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I feel like my heart has been pierced by the tiniest , sharpest knife in the arsenal of someone very close to me . And it hurts . A lot . There 's shopping , wrapping , baking , planning , and explaining to the kid who Santa Claus really is . But more on that later . The kid 's teacher needs yet another mug ( everyone always gets the teacher a mug , right ? that 's the rule , isn 't it ? ) , my grandmother needs yet another sweater that she 'll never wear , and my cousin needs yet another set of pretty jammies ( I know she wear regular clothes , but I 've only ever seen her wear the jammies I give her ) . I managed to find what I think are the most expensive girls panties on the Eastern Seaboard , but though I got a great bargain because they were buy 4 , get 2 free . I went to buy the kid a winter coat and instead bought her a faux fur leopard skin jacket . Yeah , because faux fur leopard skin is just the thing to keep you warm in a blizzard . . . NOT ! ! ! I bought all sorts of cookies , but didn 't really have anyone to give them to , and since my mom is the Christmas Cookie Baking Nazi , I really had some nerve BUYING cookies . When she saw what I was buying , she gave me a frumpy look and then marched off to plan my accidental death by way of the Kitchen - Aid mixer . Ex and I sat down with the kid last week and explained the story of St . Nicholas and that a jolly man in a red suit is not coming through the patio door with presents ( hey , I don 't have a chimney , I had to be creative with the architectural design of my house , ok ? ) . She was really bummed , but then told us she figured it out last year . That little stinker ! ! Ex and I proceeded to tell her that she was now a guardian of the story , that she had to keep her knowledge about who brings the presents to herself and not repeat it under any circumstances . That 's when she got the devilish grin on her face . I 'm missing my maternal grandparents . I always do around this time of year . We made a HUGE Italian fish dinner every Christmas Eve and it just hasn 't been the same since they passed away . It was the one day of the year that Grandma let Grandpa use her kitchen . They taught me to de - vein shrimp when I was 5 years old and by 8 years old , I was the reigning de - veining queen . Grandma would pour me a cup of coffee and I 'd happily clean shrimp for hours . Then , there was the Christmas I got Terry , my wire fox terrier . He was the greatest Christmas present I ever got , hands down . He cemented in me a love of dogs that is still with me today . Then there was the first Christmas Ex and I lived together . We got this great tree and I cooked Christmas dinner . The boy I sat next to in 7th grade math class accepted my Facebook friend request . I still have the mark on my leg from when he stabbed me with a pencil . I can 't remember what prompted such an attack . I might have been making fun of how short he was . Maybe . Remember this is 7th grade . . . the girls were all getting used to wearing their bras every day , yet all the boys hadn 't quite hit their growth spurts . I 'm friends with lots of people with whom I went to school . Too Tall K , who lived down the hall from me . MID , who carries on the tradition of her mother 's chicken and potatoes . RB , who is still the social butterfly and who is still one of the coolest people on the planet . G , who still carries her camera everywhere she goes . And all those beautiful girls with whom I went to an all - girls Catholic high school . Seriously , these were some of the most stunning girls on the planet . I like to look their pictures . Invariably there are the kid pictures ( if they are parents ) , the pet pictures ( if they have dogs / cats / whatever ) . . . and there are the pictures of our youth . Brooklyn is exactly like you see in the movies . The scene where John Travolta walking down the street in Saturday Night Fever is so typical . I could be watching a home movie . My uncle looked just like that , only he was blond . The hair , the strut , the working class mentality . . . that was Uncle J , to a tee . Brooklyn takes the idea of " 6 degrees of separation " very seriously . And it 's usually less than 6 degrees . The wife of one of my ex boyfriends went to a rival all girls Catholic high school with one of my summer sisters . And conversely , this man 's mother used to be the administrator of one of my co - workers when she worked at another hospital . And on a totally separate note , I used to be a cashier in the same supermarket as Too Tall K 's wife and her sister , waaaaaay before Too Tall K ever met her . Although Brooklyn could never be considered a small town , each neighborhood had a small town feel . Each neighborhood had its playground , its alley to sneak smokes you swiped from someone 's parents , its own park where you first let the icy waterslide of a Calvin cooler or a Budweiser slosh down your throat in your first effort to be a bad ass , its dark streets perfect for making out with that dreamy guy on a Saturday night , its own dive bar when you first started drinking ( always before we were 21 , but they didn 't card back then ) and that crazy ole lady who 'd call the cops if you so much as sneezed outside her house past 7 : 30pm . As I look at those sweet faces of my youth , I can 't help but get nostalgic . Tis this season , I suppose . I think of family members who have passed on , the innocence I was in such a rush to get rid of and of all those lost chances . I let these memories wash over me , not pushing them away , but welcoming their visit . I know my own daughter will experience all these things for herself in due course and I hope the innocence will be cherished on her part , I hope the chances will not taken for granted and the rush of a first beer / kiss / ride in the cool guy 's car will always be remembered . The craziness and anger that is my life now will one day be in the past and when it creeps up on me , I 'll remember this time in my life for what it taught me about patience , my inner peace and for fighting for what I believed in . And I will be proud of the way I handled myself . My friends and I all met at the diner that was the backdrop of our childhood and adolescence . The Kings Plaza Diner ( KPD ) is closing at the end of the month and we all decided to have a mini - reunion . There were 13 of us , including the 14 month old son of a friend . ( Sidenote : this little boy is just too freakin ' cute ! ! ) Anyway , there were burgers ( some with cheese , some without and one veggie burger ) , about 24 , 000 french fries , buckets of brown gravy ( KPD 's gravy tastes EXACTLY the same as it did when I tasted it when I was 14 ) and about a million laughs . Oh heavens , did we laugh ! ! We reminisced about the old neighborhood , friends who couldn 't join us , the weird stunts we pulled when we were fearless teenagers and the chocolate covered cheesecake . The coffee still tastes the same and no matter which waitress we get , they never seem to bring enough half - and - half . I 'm thankful for this group . With all the mental and emotional chaos that 's been going on right now , I needed this night more than ever . I needed to laugh . I needed to be accepted for who I am . We took pictures of the fries with melted cheese and we stole a menu . A friend who lives in North Carolina will get that . He couldn 't drive 12 hours just for a cheeseburger deluxe , but he was with us in spirit . The KPD is closing by the end of the month . Not to sound all corny and shit , but it really will live on in our hearts and memories together . When I couldn 't agree with my mother about anything , we could agree on eating at the KPD . I went there to eat and drink coffee with just about everyone I 've ever loved . As we all split up to go to our separate cars , we promised to get together again soon . Maybe for a little pre - Christmas celebration . Maybe in the depths of January when there 's not much to do . Whatever we do , we 'll have to find a new place to meet . It 'll be ok . We 're all aware that many things change , but this one thing made us all so nostalgic that we really wish that it could be one of those things that never change . I was on the phone with my 86 year old grandmother yesterday . This woman was raised on a farm in the South during the Great Depression , met and married my grandfather , converted religions , bore and raised her children in New York City ( far from her own family ) , and lived a sometimes difficult life . Now , she is in the twilight years and she 's made peace with all that has happened to her . She 's still a force to be reckoned with , and loves to spend time with her family . She understands her limitations and isn 't afraid to show her fears . She 's intensely devout in her religion and still finds ways to laugh every day . Case in point : I was looking for some very important paperwork last night and I just couldn 't find it . I even asked The Kid to help me look , that 's how desperate I was . I prayed to God and to St . Anthony ( patron saint of all things lost ) , asking for help . I wandered from room to room , doing the calculations about how much money it would cost to replace this paperwork . Then , I walked into my kitchen and there it was , staring at me , laughing its head off , pointing out my " blindness . " I needed that paperwork for today and I prayed . And then , God and St . Anthony delivered . I have been incredibly blessed in my life and the only way to honor those blessings is to smile , remain positive and pray for what I need . Once I have all that I need , what I want will fall into place . Now what kind of an attitude is that , these things happen ? They only happen because this whole country is just full of people , who when these things happen , they just say these things happen , and that 's why they happen ! We gotta have control of what happens to us . This is a quote by a character played by Ethel Merman in It 's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World . I swear , I crack up EVERY SINGLE TIME I watch that movie . I 'm usually not a person who just lets things happen . I try to remain pro - active and positive . I do unto others as I would like done unto me . I respect everyone until I 'm given a reason not to respect them . I try not to judge others . I try to plan ahead : packing lunches the night before , starting Christmas shopping in September or October , buying clothing on clearance to wear the following year . I try not to just LET THINGS HAPPEN . There is someone in my life who never acts , this person only reacts . And this person always reacts badly . This person always looks like an idiot and when this person tries to do the right thing , there is failure , in epic proportions . I thought I was going to be able to reason with this person , but alas , this is not ordinary person . . . this is someone who is so spiteful and so angry and so bitter that cutting off the nose to spite the face seems like a logical idea . What this idiot doesn 't seem to understand is that tickling sleeping dragons is NEVER a good idea . That 's a lyrical way of explaining that pissing off someone who has dealt with a lot of BS is stupid . At some point , the dragon will wake up and be really really angry . Sometimes the status quo is supposed to be just that , the status quo . I 've made some pretty tough decisions lately . I 've had the help and support of my family and friends but in the end , I am responsible for these decisions . I am a dragon . So , if you see me sleeping , leave me the hell alone . I tell you this for your own good , not mine . I 'm in the middle of some ugly emotional chaos and I have to keep it together in front of a very intuitive 8 year old . The kid seems to know when I 'm sad or in turmoil and responds by getting cuddly or letting me nap or refilling my water bottle for me . She senses what others feel . For example , my mom had MAJOR dental surgery last week and when we got home , the kid went to get her Grandma an afghan to keep her warm and offered to rub her feet . So , it 's hard to keep things from her . You don 't have to verbalize what you 're feeling , because she feels it too . The emotional crap I 'm wading through has to do with her father , my ex - husband . He seems hell - bent on making things as difficult as possible , not just for me , but for the kid . That 's what really gets to me the most . He never learned that the biggest part of being a parent is accepting that nothing will ever be just about you . . . it 's ALWAYS about the kid . I learned that lesson the moment they put her in my arms . I knew that nothing would ever be the same . Nothing would ever be straight - forward . Nothing would ever be all about me ever again . I 'm trying to do the right thing and work it out , be the better person . It 's hard to try to do the right thing and be the better person when I 'm already sure that I 've done the right thing all along and that I am the better parent . But I get credit for at least trying to work it out , right ? When I adopted / rescued my standard poodle , Rosie , she was so traumatized that she wouldn 't leave her kennel / crate . I let her eat in there for a few weeks , then gradually moved her dish toward the kitchen , about a foot a week . For a few weeks , she ate in the middle of the living room floor , but eventually , she got her own corner of the kitchen and she was OK . I should interject here for a minute to tell you that Rosie was named Gracie when I got her , but the kid decided she liked Rosie better . Rosie and Gracie end in the same sound and the transition was seamless . So , back to my story . It took MONTHS , I mean at least 3 WHOLE MONTHS , for her to let my father pet her . We deduced that she was afraid of tall men . Rosie was most definitely neglected , but rather quickly it became apparent that she was abused too . Rosie quivered and leaked droplets of urine all over the place whenever my father came into the room . Dad 's over 6 feet tall and I guess her former owner , if you could call him that , was tall too . Once she calmed down enough , they went on their nightly jaunts around the block . I had a trainer come to my house to help a bit . We taught Rosie to lie down , to wait , to " go get it , " meaning her toys . If we said , " GrandmaGrandpa , " she stopped in front of my parents ' door . She 's totally house - trained . But we couldn 't get her to sit . You 'd put a treat near her face , to attempt her back into a sitting position , and she 'd turn her head . You 'd attempt it again and you could actually see the dark clouds swoop into her eyes and she get up and walk away to a quiet corner and lie down , staring at you in fear . That was April of 2009 . In the meantime , we tried to get her to allow being touched by strangers . It took 16 months before she 'd let a stranger on the street touch her . Before that , a neighbor would hold their hand out and she recoil in fear and hide behind me . Finally , she let someone touch her and I swear , I cried and I told the man what a break - through it was to have her let him scratch her chin . He didn 't seem impressed becaPosted by My ex - boyfriends , that 's what 's coming out of the woodwork . I wish winning lottery tickets were coming out of the woodwork , but alas , I don 't have that kind of luck . About 3 weeks ago , I was in Dunkin Donuts , buying myself a Strawberry Coolatta ( ahhh , icy liquid candy , that stuff is ! ! ) and I had my sunglasses on . Thank heavens , because when I turned around away from the counter , I saw A , the first of my 2 boyfriends that I had when I was in college . This is not a person I want to see , so I pretended not to see A . Yeah , I know it was immature , but then again , I did have a Coolatta in my hand , so I couldn 't necessarily be seen as mature . A wasn 't a bad guy , just not the one for me . He was 7 years older than I was , with a shady past . He served hard time , but I won 't go into details about what . He was ready to get married . I know this because I heard him tell one of his friends , " Well , since she 's an only child , her parents will pay for the wedding , so I guess that means I 'll have to pay for the engagement party . " Ummm . . . ok . I was so pissed off . HE & I NEVER TALKED ABOUT GETTING MARRIED AND HE ' S ALREADY DECIDED WHO ' S PAYING FOR WHAT ! ! ! Not cool . I moved on . And never regretted it . . . not ever , not once . Then : Last Thursday , I 'm driving home from my mother 's retirement party and as I happened to glance to the side , there he was , T , the 2nd of my college boyfriends . The one who showed me that men really can love women . The one I fell for waaaaaay before he fell for me . The one that when my mother found out we broke up , she was so freakin ' angry . Honestly , the woman still hasn 't forgiven me . T was also a lot older than me , 6 years . He was getting serious and I was only 21 . I didn 't know what " getting serious " really meant . I broke T 's heart . . . and broke my own in the process . Many years later , about 2 years ago in fact , I wondered what it would have been like being married to T instead of to the Ex . Very different . Difficult , sure , I 'm a strong believer in the fact that all marriages are difficult . But I think I would have been Posted by Since I started blogging way back when , I 've come to 2 very important and not at all related conclusions . One is that I like blog entries that are actually lists . I REALLY like lists . They make my world make sense . I like things in numbered order and honestly , when it 's a to - do list , I get a high - inducing adrenaline rush from tearing the sheet of paper with the list , balling it up and doing a basketball - type slam dunk in the kitchen garbage . The other thing I 've learned is that I use other people 's ideas . I guess I 've run out of ideas , so I blatantly steal them from others . This entry 's idea came from Melissa Clark . So , here it goes . . . 5 Things I Eat When I 'm Alone1 - Chicken Parm . When my daughter is at her father 's for an overnight visit or having a sleepover at her friend 's house , I go to Nino 's and get a chicken parm plate , complete with a little wedge of Italian bread and a wax envelope with a plastic fork and knife , salt , pepper and a small packet of grated Parmesan cheese . That Parmesan is different from this Parm . Parm is short for parmigiana . . . which is translated from the Italian to mean " lovingly smothered in marinara sauce and with divinely melted mozzarella on top . " Anyway , the kid rarely eats anything in sauce and I get 3 meals out of a dinner from Nino 's but if she ever gets the urge to try " pizza chicken " again , there are always leftovers in the fridge . 2 - BLT 's from the bagel store around the corner from my house . There are 2 bagel stores near where I live ; one is great for egg sammies and cold cuts , but the other is great for BLT 's . The bagels from the latter are more like rolls with a hole in the middle , so sandwiches aren 't so messy to eat . I always get my BLT 's on a toasted everything bagel . I bring a book with me and sit in a stool by the window and eat . I usually only read about 3 pages when I decide that I can stare out the window and relax and eat my sandwich without any interruptions . 3 - Margaritas in the bathtub . Yes , I 'm fully aware that margaritas aren 't food , per se , but I only have them at hPosted by I 'm praying like the Dickens today . A dear online friend is battling for her life . In March , she was diagnosed with breast cancer after feeling a lump during a self exam . She and her doctors immediately began planning her treatment . She went through chemotherapy but it didn 't work . Not discouraged , she went back the planning stage and began a new round of treatment , but it was discovered that she had tumors growing in the lungs . Now , it seems that she has a brain tumor that has been deemed inoperable . My heart is breaking for S . She has a toddler who many never get the chance to know how rockin ' his mama really is . She 's got a husband who is so devoted to her , it 's probably best described by Janet ( Chandler Bing 's irritating ex - girlfriend from the sitcom Friends ) who once said , " What we have is movie love , we 're what Lionel Ritchie 's been singing about . " They say the power of prayer is a very VERY powerful force . Man , I hope so . I feel sorry for all those damned cancer cells . They have the power of about 812 bajillion prayers to contend with today . S is not going to go without a fight and we won 't let her go with doing the only thing we can . So if you believe in the power of prayer , please PLEASE , pray for S . . . she could really use it . I had such a simple weekend . My daughter had 2 little girlfriends for a sleepover on Friday . These 2 gals are sisters and are just too sweet . They 're well behaved and the older one and my daughter have known one another since their early day care days . They decorated t - shirts with fabric markers , watched movies , ate pizza ( but not the crust ) and then all four of us cuddled up on the couch like a litter of newborn puppies to watch Harry Potter and the Sorcerer 's Stone . On a side - note , the movie simply never gets old . When the Sorting Hat speaks for the first time , I always long for an admissions letter to Hogwarts ; it doesn 't matter that I 'm no longer 11 and can 't be accepted or that I 'm 100 % Muggle , I still want to go ! Anyway , on Saturday morning , we all walked the dog at 6am and then we all went to the library . The gals were noticeably upset when they were dropped off at home , but I promised we could do it again soon . The day ran a muck with errands . We needed to get the car washed , we bought the dog a new collar , we had lunch in a restaurant that I started eating in when I was 6 years old and then we just took a nice drive with the windows rolled down . Sunday dawned bright and we decided to head to the beach . I packed up some sunscreen , a few cold drinks , my beach chair and then wiggled my way into my new green tankini . I got what FRU and I call " rock star parking . " That 's when you find a fabulous parking spot mere steps from your destination . FRU frolicked around at the water 's edge and quickly made friends with a little girl who was playing just a few feet away . The sky turned overcast just a hour or so later so we dashed to the car , just making it before the deluge hit . We ate a late breakfast at McDonald 's and I showed FRU the house where I grew up . We went home , showered and simply hung out all afternoon . Sometimes a weekend doesn 't have to be crammed full of activities in order to be deemed great . Sometimes just hanging out with a cool kid is enough ( you get extra points is your are the parent of the aforementiPosted by I swiped this from my friend Jaxie , who is quite a bit younger than me , but is such an old soul , and a kindred spirit . 1 ) What is your personal style like ? I 've blogged about my obsession with make - up , but somehow , I don 't think that this is what this question is about . I wear lots of jeans ; man , how I wish I could wear them everyday . I work in an office , so I 'm business casual when I 'm at work . Brooklyn ( and most of the Eastern seaboard of the US ) is in a cycle of HOT and HUMID right now so I 've been wearing little smock dresses and sandals or white khakis and a tank / cardigan sweater set combo most of the time . On the weekends , I wear Bermuda shorts ( sure , they 're stylish but to be honest , they cover up my one - day - shy - of - 40 - year - old thighs ) and a cotton tank top . I do adore the cooler / colder weather though . I love sweaters , boots ( both super casual Uggs and my knee high leathers ) all brought together by the perfect pair of jeans . See , I 'm back to jeans again . 2 ) How did you meet your best friend ? I have several besties that fit in different categories . I met M on the first day of first grade . We lost touch after high school ; big girl jobs do get in the way of having a proper social life sometimes . We reconnected on Facebook and when we got on the phone for the first time in over 10 years , an hour and a half flew by * SNAP * just like that . I met L at summer camp . We were summer sisters for about 5 years . She 's living out in Colorado and when I see photos of her son , I see that mischievous grin that L wore all those years ago when we were out and about , running around camp after lights out . I met A when she looked at the apartment on the first floor of my parents ' house . It was so fabulous to have your bestie in the same house . We used to have breakfast together on weekend mornings and we didn 't even need to get out of our jammies to do it . 3 ) Describe your family . I come from a long line of crazy people . There was an episode of Designing Women where the character of Julia Sugarbaker explained that in the South , peoPosted by I got this idea from another blog , but that writer 's whole blog is about obsessions and I 'm going to write about obsessions once . Well , maybe twice , but I promise to not write about obsessions until I 'm over the things with which I 'm currently obsessed , deal ? 1 - Books . I can 't seem to stop buying books . My mom is a librarian so let 's face it , this is a hard habit to justify . But hey , I only buy them with they 're on the clearance tables , which is how I came to be in the possession of some really REALLY weird books . Ya know what , I 'm not even going to try to justify this . I like books , just deal with it , k ? 2 - Mineral Makeup . I have horrible skin ( and for those of you who have read old posts , I still occasionally break out with cystic acne ) and the mineral makeup really helps stem the amount of crap that seeps into my pores on a daily basis . I have a few colors for when I 'm pale and for when I 'm tan . I think maybe I just really like the feeling of those fluffy brushes on my face . 3 - Who Am I Kidding , I 'm Obsessed With All Makeup . No really , I am . I ain 't gonna try to justify this either . 4 - Lindsay Lohan 's Dying Career . She 's like a car wreck , I can 't help but gawk and point her ridiculousness out to others . How did such a promising talent get to the point where she had " Fuck You " painted on her middle finger for a court appearance ? 5 - The Duggars . OMG , seriously , Jim Bob / Bobby Earl or whatever your name is , you NEED to wear a condom occasionally . Don 't hand me this line of crap about waiting until God has declared your quota . There 's no way two parents can nurture the amount of children is takes to fill TWO baseball teams and it isn 't the job of the older ones to take care of the little ones . Maybe Jim Bob / Bobby Earl or whatever his name is and his lovely wife with the badly grown out mullet are trying to not make up a sports team , but they 're going for filling an ENTIRE stadium with their spawn . 6 - My Mother 's Retirement . Seriously , without exaggeration , we started talking about when my mother was going to retire in 19Posted by I had an amazing experience last weekend and felt compelled to write . I guess it helped that I was with two friends who are both writers . So here it goes : . Healing from Blue EyesSometimes , I get so worn down that I just get used to it . It becomes my new " normal . " I go from task to task with no recollection of how or if I finished anything . Laundry gets washed folded and put away , groceries are purchased , beds get made … but there 's no joy or even conscious knowledge that these things are complete . Then , one day , the sun shines again . This time , for me , it arrived the in the shape of Melissa and Jenee . These women are 2 of the Ya Ya group that I met through that online book club / message board 5 years ago . We met up in the home city of one of the group for 3 years running and then the recession hit , some of us got divorced , some of us moved … in other words , life got in the way . Anyway , back to sunshine 's arrival . They rolled into town on a Wednesday night and time seemed to be suspended for 4 whole days . The clocks didn 't tick . The only sign that time was passing were the pictures Jenee took of the view from my porch . There was one with the sun shining and one with a risen moon . You must understand one thing about Ya Ya 's . When they hug your body , they hug your soul too . You don 't want them to let you go because it feels good and honest and safe when they 're hugging you . You just know they will help you slay any dragons that have the audacity to show their faces at the party and then will pour you a cool cocktail and hand you a cool compress for your forehead . And for me , on this trip , the fellow dragon slayers had blue eyes . Jenee 's bright , almost turquoise , blues dance with mischief . They help you get the eccentricities of her family . They share her joy of her soulmate / husband and they share her sadness of being without children . They glow when she 's talking about her writing . They even cross a little when she 's had too much whiskey . Melissa 's blues remind of that beloved pair of jeans thaBrooklyn Belle |
One Saturday in January , a few weeks after coming back from Japan , I 'm sitting in the mall finishing my lunch when Lia , my lead girlfriend , returns from the rest rooms with another girl . I smile , because it 's like Lia to make new friends . Lia is giving me a sweet smile while they walk over , so I know I 'm in for some sort of trouble . She nods at her new friend , saying , " This is Meredith , you 're taking her to her high - school dance in three weeks ' time . But you have to ask her father for permission first . She 'll take you to where he is so you can ask him this afternoon . " I glance at Meredith , and notice she 's a bit concerned about all this . I sometimes wonder if my life would be better without a girlfriend , and this is one of those times . Knowing the way of the world I take the simple way out . I stand up , smile at Lia , and give her a nod . I look at Meredith , and raise an eyebrow . She gives me a lopsided grin in reply , and starts to walk off - with me following . Lia calls out , " Kira will catch up with you there . " Which leaves me wondering why she will . I just wave to Lia , and the bulk of my entourage , while I leave them . Two of the security guards go with me , while the rest stay with Lia and the rest of my ladies going to the hairdresser today . The ladies go in two or three groups , now ; it varies with how many staff the hairdresser has at work . The rest of the ladies will be getting their hair done tomorrow . The five of us stand to watch while two of the club members finish a match on the special mats they have . I try not to laugh at the way the two men look in their safety gear with cords running out the back . The staff member tells me the suits they 're wearing have sensors in them to feed the information on contacts back to the umpire to assess when they score a point . This is literally a case of touché , where a single touch with the sword scores a hit to win the point for that bout in the match , regardless of it being a good enough hit to hurt or kill , or not . A few minutes later the one nearest us scores a hit , and the match is over with his five hits to his opponents three . I guess the match was the first to five . They lower their swords , remove their masks , and shake hands before returning to their end of the mat to be unplugged . A little more work to disconnect , and the man at this end walks over to us . The man hugs Meredith while he nods at the staff member , who leaves us . I guess visitors must be with a member or staff while in the club . The man glances at me while he says , " Good to see you here , Meredith . I thought you were shopping ! Who is this young man with you ? " He shakes my hand , and says , " Well , you 've passed the first test I set for anyone to take her to the dance : to politely ask me for permission to do so . That leaves only two more . Let 's get the last one out of the way first . Will you get her a corsage , and go in a nice car ? " I smile , " Certainly . A nice stretch limousine with driver . I 'll even buy her a nice dress to wear , if she wants a new one . " She spins around to look at me in surprise . I don 't think Lia told her much about me . That leaves me wondering about what did they talk about in the ladies . He smiles back , " I 'm forgetting my manners . I 'm Joseph Martin , Professor of History at Hood College . Please call me Joe . Your accent gives away your country of birth . How long have you been a student at Frederick High School , how old are you , and how long have you known Meredith , my daughter ? " I grin at him , and say , " I don 't go to Frederick High School . I 'm seventeen years old . I 've known Meredith about half an hour . " " Well , actually , Meredith has told me nothing . She and my number one girlfriend , Lia , had a long talk a little while ago . Then Lia told me I was taking Meredith to the dance , and I had to come here to formally ask you for permission to take her . So , here I am , as commanded . " He glances at a very red faced Meredith , and starts to laugh . After a minute , or so , he calms down , and asks , " How do you feel about swords ? Do you know how to use one ? " Now I know why Kira will be meeting me here , she 'll probably be bringing my swords here to me . " Swords are good tools that have their uses . Not only do I know how to use one , I own a couple . I suspect Lia arranged for someone to bring mine to me , here . " He grins , and so do many of the members . I laugh , and shake my head . " Do I have to score against you within a set number of scores on me by you ? " He shakes his head no . " Good ! As I 've never used a suit like you use . I 'd find it restrictive . " I stop when I see a staff member escorting Nadia , Kira , Tora , and two guards in . They have my sword case , Tora 's sword , and my suit - bag with my combat gear . Joe is giving me an odd look , so are most of the club members . " Good , here 's my swords , now . Is there a table I can put the case on ? " The staff member showing the girls in changes direction to head to a table against the wall . Tora had carried her sword in a blanket , and she 's unwrapping it while she crosses the room . She now places the blanket on the table , and Nadia places my sword case on it . " Yes , it would be fun to find out . The only trouble is your blades are blunted for safety reasons , this is a fighting blade , and is razor sharp . " His eyes go wide , and he waves to another man . I know his game , and it 's clear he knows nothing about real Japanese swords . I nod , and say , " Yes . I know how very fine silk is hard to cut . But all these fighting blades are kept honed to a razor edge that 's sharp enough to do the job . " I smile , and nod at Tora and Kira . Tora has also taken her sword out to show them , and Kira is standing beside the case . The man with the cloth grins , and he tosses the cloth in the air . I let it rise , and when it starts to open up while it falls I step forward as I swing my blade at it in an upward stroke . They all gasp when I cut the cloth clean in half , then step back . When I do Tora steps forward to slice across one half to cut it in half again . Turning while Tora strikes I hand Kira my sword when I draw my wakizashi she 's holding out for me . After cutting one half Tora steps back , and I 've room to step up again to cut the other half with the shorter sword . All the members are shocked to see we carry three swords that are sharp enough to cut fine silk in the air . The man who owns the cloth looks at me , saying , " I 've tossed that cloth out , and had hundreds of swords try , but not put a mark on it . And you just slice it to pieces . How can you do that ? " I hold the sword up , " These are true combat swords , and are made in a special way with an extra hard cutting edge . It takes a lot of work to keep them in good order , but they are , literally , razor sharp , as sharp as medical scalpels . You won 't find a sharper edge anywhere . " I return the wakizashi to its sheath , and take my katana back from Kira . Moving out toward the centre of the room I nod at Tora , and she smiles while she follows me out . We take up positions a few metres apart , and bow to each other . I say , " Standard training rules . " She nods . For a moment we stand still , then Tora attacks me . For over a minute she attacks using the range of moves she knows , while I defend myself . After giving her a chance to demonstrate each attack I respond with some attack moves , as well , and we 've a nice bout . At one point I 'm just starting a new attack when Tora calls , " Still . " We both stop . " Master , I 'd noticed a pattern in your last several moves , and got set to deal with the next expected move in the pattern . However , I moved too early . You saw I was ready for it , and changed your attack to one I couldn 't move to deal with . I saw my error , so I called a halt . " " Good . Tora , that error 's worth four points . However , you gain two bonus points by calling a halt to admit the error so fast . A lot of the students at your level would try to adjust instead of admitting an error . Good , let us try two blades . You take my wakizashi , and go through the attack moves while I use my tanto as the second blade to block you . " She nods , and we get the other weapons . When I do this I notice most of the members have shocked looks , but Joe is smiling . " No , most training is done with wooden or bamboo swords . But we do some training with live blades to fine tune control , since the practice swords don 't move exactly the same as a real sword . " He nods . After a few moves I call a halt , and we move to the sword case . We both put our second blade down on the case , and remove a sharpening stone from amongst the ones in pockets in the case . When Tora and I start to run the stones along the edge of our blades , to ensure they 've a sharp edge , Nadia picks up the wakizashi and the third stone , to hone it as well . While we return the fine edge to the swords I look at Joe , and say , " As you can see , from the demonstration , the way I use a sword is very different to what you do here . Your fencing is based on a touch anywhere on the torso , while I train to kill . Many blows that would win me a match in my art would lose me a match in fencing , as I can , and will , accept a mild cut to the arm or side to create an opening for a killing blow . The mild cut would register first on your system , and I 'd be denied having killed you in reply . " Joe laughs , and nods his agreement . " In a real fight I 'll use hand blows and kicks to gain me an advantage , as well . " I turn to her , " Yes , it can be dangerous . However , Tora trusts me to not let her harm me , and if I let her harm me I deserve the cut for being so slack . She also trusts me to stop any attack from actually hitting her . She 's my student , and still has a lot to learn , but she 's doing well . There are many more strikes which we didn 't demonstrate , since she hasn 't been taught them , yet . " " Although I 'm physically younger , and we both started training at the same young age , I 'm a bit better physically , and my training 's been much more intense than hers was . Thus , I 've reached a point where I can train her , and others . So I do , because it helps in their protection . " " That should be OK . Let 's look at what you 've got , but let me finish this first , please . " He smiles , and nods , then he watches us put the fine edge back on the weapons before we oil them . It only takes me a few more minutes to do my katana . While the girls take a little longer , because they aren 't as experienced with sharpening swords as I am . I hand the stone I have over to Kira , and she starts sharpening my tanto . Leaving the girls Joe and I go to look in the other rooms for suitable swords to use in our match . They 've a very nice collection of swords from across all the ages and cultures , including some fair US copies of Japanese swords . We settle on the use of a pair of Roman short swords for our match , mainly because they 're nothing like what we used in today 's sword work . One of the staff promises to bring them from the display case for us . Of course these are high quality copies , and not originals . We return to the first room to get ready for the match . A few minutes later we both don slightly different suits to those they use for the main fencing matches . These use a wireless unit stored in the protective helmet to send signals to the umpire . Also , they cover the chest and back in a set of zones , so the umpire can see where the strike is . Ground rules are agreed upon , and we get set . I 'm allowed to be athletic in avoiding hits , but can 't use my feet to kick or strike with . The girls have the swords packed away , so Nadia holds the case while Tora holds the unopened suit bag . The umpire gives us the command to start , and we both stand there waiting for the other to attack so we can assess them . After a minute we both laugh at the situation . Since I 'm technically the supplicant here I decide to start the attack , and am careful to keep my balance on my back foot while I take small sliding steps toward Joe . He smiles when I move forward . I swing my sword in front of me before we get close , and turn my wrist to make a powerful swing back across my body when we close . He has no choice , he has to bring his sword up between us to protect himself . My move forces his sword back at his torso , but he holds the strike from making contact with him . When we break I move back , and turn my wrist to flick the tip of my sword back across his stomach before he can react to block it . The point touches his left side before he can knock my sword out of contact . The umpire calls a halt to assess the contact in light of our ground rules ; they 're enough different he has to check them with care . He declares a no score touch to me : a nick but not restrictive . Joe nods , and we get set . This time Joe is more aggressive , and attacks . I settle for countering the first few strikes , then step forward when he 's expecting a retreat by me . I use my left arm to block his forearm , because his sword is now behind me , and I turn my right side a little away so I can have enough space between my right shoulder and his body to bring my sword in to make contact just above his heart with a thrust . The umpire calls a halt , and we part . He soon declares a death stroke by me . Joe nods again . The restart has us both move around in a circle while we look for an opportunity . Joe has ceased underestimating my ability while I now know he 's very skilled , and able to adjust to new situations . The circle tightens , and we clash blades several times while we continue to move . Then Joe uses a fancy little twisted wrist move that catches my sword near the tip to push it aside , leaving him with an inside track . He lunges . I can 't avoid the hit , so I dive down , and to the side , to minimise the contact while I toss my sword from my right hand across to my left hand . I catch it , and reach up to stab at his chest . Both swords make contact just before I hit the floor near his left foot , and roll away . The umpire declares I gave Joe a severe cut while he gave me a disabling blow . If the fight had been real , and back in Roman times , we both would likely have died from the wounds . As it is , I get my two touches while he gets one . We smile at each other while we start to take the gear off . I bow , and say , " I 'll pick Meredith up to go have dinner at Pat 's Place before the dance on the night . " He nods his agreement , so I turn to Meredith . " You have Lia 's phone number ? " A nod ' yes . ' " Good , call her to arrange to go get you a new dress at my expense . Choose well , I can afford it . " She looks surprised when she nods her agreement . I can see Joe giving me an odd look while I finish wiping the sweat off , and hand the towel to one of the staff . With my clothes straightened I go to shake hands with Joe , then turn , and start to leave . I 'm facing the door , in mid - step toward it , when it opens to let Mr Benson walk in wearing a set of fencing clothes . I didn 't think fencing was that popular here in the USA , but I must be mistaken . He stops , looks at me , blinks , and smiles . He walks toward me while holding out his hand , " Mister Adams , I 'm glad I finally get a chance to meet you in person . Please accept my apologies for the problem with that quote , and your visit to my office . Things have changed . And thank you for allowing Small and Little to sub - contract all that work to us . " I smile while I shake his hand . " I never held you or your company responsible for the problem , and you should thank Mister Little for the sub - contracting work . I 've not checked , but I think he currently has some sort of work sub - contracted out to just about everyone working in the industry in the county . " " Yes , there is that . However , it 's all your work , and work that 's well needed at this time . Most of us were reviewing who we 'd have to lay off , not if we had to , but who to lay off . Then , bang , you have us all working at a good pace for some months . It also looks like you 've shamed the County Commissioners into getting a lot of their overdue work done , too . So we should be right for a few years , after your work ends . " " I know the delays with the county work were due to funding . But the work I 'm paying for is generating a lot of income , and thus taxes , so they now have the money to get on with the work . I struck a deal with them to not get billed for increases for ten years if I paid ten years in advance , plus the back taxes on the land I bought . They worked out an estimate for the land as developed , and gave me a bill for ten years , so I paid it . I think we almost lost a couple of commissioners when I did that . They were very shocked to see it all paid as a cash transfer . But it 's given them the funds to get some things done that needed doing , and kept many local businesses in good shape , too . " He smiles , and moves past me to his appointment for fencing . The whole room is quiet while we talk . When we part a voice I don 't know asks , " Construction work ! But the only major construction work is that big job out on Etzler Road . Are you involved with that ? " He nods , " If what I 've heard is right you killed an evil man in a sword fight to win it . " I nod ' yes . ' " So killing with the sword isn 't new to you , is it ? " I sense there 's something else behind this line of questions , it 's as if he 's testing me for something , but I can 't tell what for . I decide to be brutally honest , " No , it 's not . I 've killed several people with a sword , a few with a knife , some by hand , and even shot a couple who needed killing . In all cases it was a matter of defending myself , or someone else , against a bad guy on everyone 's ' better dead ' list . " A few in the room are shocked a person as young as I am had killed a number of people , but Joe nods , while his smile grows a bit wider . The morning of the second Saturday in February everyone is getting ready to go out , except me . I 'm staying put , because Lia asked me to have the morning off to meet with someone . I wonder who it is . Last night was the Frederick High School Junior Dance I took Meredith to , so it can 't be Joe to tell me to behave myself . Which I did , anyway , since Meredith was very new to going out with boys . She looked great in the outfit my ladies helped her organise at my expense . We went to Pat 's for a great meal , then on to the dance . We spent the night talking and dancing . Both of us saw how surprised a lot of the other girls were to see Meredith there in such a nice dress with a lovely orchid corsage . A lot of the boys seemed surprised at how well she dressed up . I don 't think she 'll have much trouble with boys being interested in taking her to the senior 's dance when she 's old enough for that one . All the ladies leave to do some shopping , and I sit at my computer working on the next book . Twenty minutes later one of the guards tells me a visitor is on his way up . I finish the sentence I 'm writing , and close the file before heading for the lounge room . I smile when I walk in to see Joe . I wonder why he 's here while I walk over to shake his hand . He holds up a small bag , and says , " I 'm told I need to ask for a special dispensation so we can talk in the spa for privacy , and you 'll be relaxed . " I nod , smile , and wave him toward one of the rooms to get changed . When he walks into the room I head to my room to find a pair of swimmers : I have them , but rarely use them . " Since we met , a few weeks back , I 've been seeing what I can find out about you , and it 's all good , very good . I 've a proposition you may be interested in . It involves dangerous work , but helps people out . You face danger , and run a real risk of being killed , but the weapons are limited to those in use around the middle ages . A crossbow is the most complex weapon they have available to them . " " Because you 're a perfect fit for the job , that 's why . Also , you 'll be helping out lots of people on two planets . " Now that really gets my attention , two planets ? I must have shown some interest , since he smiles at me . " Yes , two planets , and neither is Earth . You also get to spend a lot of time making love to some lovely ladies . " I raise my eyebrows at him . Joe takes a deep breath , " OK , here 's the deal . There 's been this odd arrangement going on for centuries that links some planets . A long time ago a planet had a major war , and now has a problem with the males on their planet not being up to repopulating the planet . There 's a system where they import human DNA in a semi - controlled manner by having Earth Heroes rescue Damsels in Distress . His reward is he gets to have sex with her until she shows up pregnant , and her reward is she gets to have a very healthy baby , plus bragging rights about the father . " I 've a real issue taking this in , since it 's like a fantasy . " There 's an intermediate planet , or station , called Crossroads where the operation is coordinated . Women from Cassandra enter lotteries to be able to take part . Once selected they go to this medieval planet called Chaos , and are soon in a situation where they need to be rescued . The Heroes go to Chaos to save them . Some of the women aren 't saved in time , and die . Some of the Heroes aren 't up to the task , thus they die . There are very real dangers for all parties . No one knows what the distress situation will be until the woman is in trouble . Some can be on Chaos for years before they qualify as being in distress , while some others only stay free for a few minutes after arrival . There are rules and other aspects , but I won 't go into those unless you 're really interested in becoming involved . On Crossroads you 'll have an assistant called a Caretaker , and her job is to find suitable rescue operations that are within your resources , skills , and abilities to manage . Also , part of your job is to have sex with the Caretaker to keep her happy and on the job . They get bragging rights as well . They brag about the Hero they serve , and they can only serve the one Hero . If he dies their career is over . Once you go to Crossroads you can 't return to Earth without completing a rescue . Once you make your rescue you return to Crossroads where they can fix anything , as long as you reach them alivThe whole thing sounds like a teenage boy 's fantasy game . But Joe is dead serious , and seems real concerned I believe him . I lean back to relax while I think about all this . If it 's true it sounds very interesting - but is it true ? I know I 'd enjoy the fighting , and such , but I 'm concerned for my family , now I 've found a new family . " Joe , that all sounds good , but I 'd have to talk it over with my family , because I 'll be running a risk . To do that I 'll have to lay it all out for them . Can you give me the other rules about the place , now ? " He sits , and thinks for a few minutes . " OK , I 'll lay out the other basic rules . Heck , I can even take you with me on a mission as a Companion , so you can see what it 's like for yourself . " I nod for him to continue . " You will need to build a portal of your own , but I can let you use mine for a while . If you decide to be fully involved you 'll need to select your own Caretaker , as well . Then you need to see about organising a base of operations on Chaos , so you can develop some resources and back up . The rules : no weapons can be taken from here , nor metal items , no explosives work there , for an unknown reason . Not even Chaos made gunpowder . They 've some metal , so you can make swords and the like , so they 're common weapons , mostly European style swords . They 've a form of currency , but most day to day stuff is done by barter . The cash is a clear disc with gold dust in it called a pinch . Then four pinches to a quad , with four quads to a shell , and fifty shells to a conch . A shell is about a normal day 's work , and two quads will pay for a room and meals , breakfast and dinner . A pinch will usually buy a meal or a jug of watered wine . " I think on this while he speaks , it sure sounds like someone has been putting some modern concepts into an old society , and changed a few things to make it work . " Your Earth portal will take you to Crossroads , and your Caretaker will brief you on a mission . They 've a portal that 'll take you to Chaos , where you 'll arrive in a bank . You also leave there through the bank portals . But you can 't leave without the Damsel you went to rescue . You can take a Companion , but they can 't directly help in the rescue of the Damsel . You can 't just attack someone , you have to act as a Hero , within a code very like the Knights of the Round Table . When you defeat , or kill , someone all they have is now yours . So strip them of what you want or can use . You can 't have sex with anyone on Chaos , except a Companion - if you have one . You can 't have sex with your Companion on We both take a moment for a drink and a bite to eat . He adds , " You don 't have to have a Companion , but they can watch your back and do work to make the camping on the road easier . At the bank you can rent a storage box to store any weapons and things you win in it , that 'll make them available to you on your next visit . But don 't put anything alive in the box , I 'm told it 's messy . If you have a box closing it triggers the return portal to open . Don 't even think about attacking someone for a criminal reason , that 'll get you banned . That 's about all I can think of , except , Chaos is truly a society of might makes right . " " Yes , you can . Animals are deemed to be Companions , for some odd reason , but you can take them to leave them there . Due to the time rate difference they 'll age faster than you do , so will the locals . A good Hero will set up a strong base of operations , and be treated as a local lord . Due to the time rate changes a Hero will be served by generations from the same family . At my own bases I 've set up a nice operation to make better quality steel weapons , and to improve crop management . It all helps to make the people who work for me have a better life . " We spend the next couple of hours just talking while we snack and drink . Most of the time Joe is talking about his adventures on Chaos , and they do sound very interesting . Toward the end of our chat , about when we 're expecting the ladies back , he says , " Just after we first met I mentioned you to my Caretaker , since we 're always looking for Heroes . She told the higher ups , and they were worried about your age . On my next visit they were anxious to recruit you . It seems you come from some interesting stock that 's supplied many great Heroes in the past . And they 'd like to have you involved . They even managed to get information on some of your security people , and would like to see some of them recruited , as well . They 'll leave that up to you to organise , after you 're set up and operating properly . " I think on all this for some time , then we get out to shower , because the ladies are due back . We 're back in the lounge room when they arrive home from their shopping trip , and Meredith is with them . My ladies put their things away , and come back into the main room . I turn to ask Lia about lunch , and she smiles while she points to the door . Almost as if by magic , which means someone gave her a sign it was time , the door opens for the hotel staff to bring in trolleys of food . It takes just a few minutes for them to set up the round table , and serve our lunch . There are times I feel over organised , but there are times like this when I appreciate all the work my girls put in to keep things going . We all sit down to eat . Just after we start Sharon gives a brief on the new residence . Everything is ready , and we 'll be moving in next week . The main shift of gear will be while I 'm at school on Monday . The hotel will be vacated by Wednesday , allowing her a couple of days to move everything and clean up . The people to install the heliport will start on Thursday , and expect to be finished in a fortnight . Which is good , since the bookings for the high security penthouse with its own heliport are high , despite the charges being four times what they were before . The first of the new tenants will be moving in two days after the heliport is set to be finished , so the work crews better be on schedule . Some work is still to be done inside the main residence , mainly because we haven 't yet said what we want in those areas , and some of the outbuildings are still under construction . The other major buildings are done . So is the special garden . On that note : all my ladies were invited to be involved , and are happy helping out in the creation of the huge domed garden . Lia gets everyone 's attention , and says , " I don 't know the full details , but Joe has a proposition for Al that 'll require him to undertake some high risks , but will also allow him to help a great deal of people while he gets his adrenalin rushes catered to at the same time . He does run a real risk of dying , but won 't be hurt , otherwise . Al 's skills with weapons and combat greatly improve his chances of survival . He 'll also be saving the lives of many people while improving the living conditions of many others , and doing away with bad people . Joe isn 't allowed to say more to me , due to security concerns . Joe has been talking to Al about this today , and we now have to think about how we feel about Al taking the risks involved . I 'd like to be able to give them both an answer today . " I now learn Joe is a lot smarter than I thought , because he 'd spoken to Lia about this a couple of weeks back , and she 's been talking to the rest of my ladies about it . Lia hands out papers for people to vote , and they all make a vote . I smile when the unanimous vote is for me to take on the work Joe is proposing . Lia counts the votes , and says , " Al , I don 't see this work as being any less important or more dangerous than the stuff you do for John . So please do it for Joe . " I see a frown cross Joe 's face at the mention of my other dangerous work . He turns to me , and I give him a small smile with a little shake of the head ' no , ' so he won 't ask about it . Looking around the table at my group I smile , and thank them for their vote of confidence in my ability to stay alive in bad circumstances . Taking a small plate of sliced fruit I go to my office , and shut the door . I sit down , and call John . While I do I wonder if he ever leaves the place , because he 's always there when I call . He answers the phone , " Al , it 's a good thing you called . What the hell are you getting involved in now ? I 've had a couple of dozen people asking about you , from both here and overseas . It 's a very odd mix of people to be asking about anyone . " I smile , because I now know what some of the checking up has been . " John , I 've been asked to get involved in a special project . There are some high risks involved , but it 'll help a lot of people , and will have great rewards . One aspect of it is there will be times I 'll be totally out of contact for about fifteen to twenty minutes at a time . High security meetings , you know what they 're like . They should only be one every week or two , not sure of the frequency or how often , because they 'll depend on many other factors that 'll vary with other events . " I can hear him tapping his fingers on the table while I talk . I almost die of shock when he says , " Hmm , well that shouldn 't cause me any Chaos , but it 's amazing where we end up on life 's Crossroads , isn 't it ? " I can hear the capitals in his voice . " OK , I think that explains a few of the odd inquiries , but it makes some of the others even odder . A very interesting situation . Well , whatever you get involved in with this , make sure you examine and plan things well before you act the Hero , OK ! I need you , as well , and so do your ladies . " " Thanks , John . Your support for this is much appreciated . " I hang up , and think hard while I sit there for a moment , before returning to the table , lunch , and my family . When I sit down I look around at my people , and say , " John wishes me well in this endeavour , whatever it is , and supports it . I get a feeling he knows a lot more about this than I do . But his support speaks well of it . " Joe is surprised at my comments , and my ladies smile . After lunch I take Joe into my office , and we talk about a few things . I make appointments to see him to practice with the sort of swords they use on Chaos , and for him to brief me on what Chaos is like . He also gives me the details of the sort of clothes to wear , because I want to get my own made up to take with me . In three weeks ' time I 'll go with him on a trip as a companion . Soon after our talk he leaves to go home , taking Meredith , plus her shopping , with him . In the afternoon I ring the lady who made my formal Japanese clothes , and ask her if she knows of any people who can make certain types of old clothes . She offers to bring them around to see me , and we agree on tomorrow in the afternoon . Next is to hit the Internet , and the history books , to study some things , and think . I resurface about dinner time , after sending out many emails asking about getting things made for me . I 'm very sure I 've found a number of ways to make things a lot safer for me to do this work . The next three weeks pass with a lot of teaching by Joe , and a lot of learning and training by me . Also , the many items I want made for this trip are completed in plenty of time , too . I 've other items I know will take longer to make , and they should be ready for my second or third trip . |
Dear Gavin , Today I want to talk to you about cats . I do not understand why Gramma has cats , do you ? I am way more cuddly and look at Gremlin . . . . . . . . . he even looks snooty . Gramma says that Gremlin has always been high maintenance . I am not sure what that means , but it doesn 't sound good . He has been sleeping outside at night . You will never believe what that cat did ! He went into Gramma 's bedroom and pooped ! ! In the middle of the night ! ! Boy , was Gramma mad . She went to get a WalMart bag to get it up with , but Oscar jumped down and got it first . She got mad at Oscar , too . I must confess that I was a little upset that I didn 't see it first . . . . . . I would have rolled in it . I guess Oscar saved me from getting into trouble . Gramma took the cat out of the bedroom and I heard the front door open and then I heard " yoooooowwwwwll " . When she came back Papa asked her , " What was that ? " She said , " Oh , nothing , Gremlin is learning to fly . " Boy , was I confused . I thought only birds could fly . Did you know that cats can learn to fly ? I asked Oscar and he told me to be quiet and go back to sleep . I dreamed about that cat flying . It was scary , let me tell you ! This cat is called Spooky . She never comes into the house . She pretty much leaves us dogs alone . She will go up to Emmy , but not us guy dogs . I know , I know , everybody likes Emmy . It is true , she is nice to every body . Look at that face and tell me this cat does not scare you ! this is what he looked like in my dream ! When I finally woke up I was afraid to go back to sleep . I love you , my boy . . . . . . . . . don 't forget . Your dog , Wall - E Dear Gavin , It has been a long weekend . Us dogs spent a lot of time alone , but now Gramma and I are writing you . I am thinking about the adventures we will have when you get here . . . . . . . . . . Gramma is asking me what I would like to write about tonight . She tells me I must not linger over the keyboard because she is tired and longing for sleep . Why does she say these things ? Why can 't she just say , " Dude , hurry up , I 'm tired . " ? If she is so tired that would be a lot faster , cause I had to ask Oscar what she meant . I thought you should see a picture of Cody . He is coloring on the table in the store . He was a little sunburned from being in the pool . He hangs out with Gramma sometimes . Gramma told him to look at the camera and smile . She tells me that too . Sometimes I just jump up on her and then she says , " Okay , I give up . " Then she puts the camera away . It rained and rained last night . I wanted to go out to do my business , but decided I could wait until morning . When there was light in the sky I woke Gramma up again and it was still raining ! Oscar and I went out in the rain cause we could wait no longer . We were wet when we came in and Gramma wrinkled her nose and told us that we smelled like wet dogs . We are dogs and we were wet , so what did she mean by that ? I still get so confused sometimes . Gramma says to wrap it up , as she is fading fast . Sleepy is what I think that means . Good night my boy , don 't forget I love you . Your dog , Wall - E Dear Gavin , I am having a great weekend ! Do you see those girls in the picture ? They have been up here at Gramma 's store playing with me . I was trying to hide my face from Gramma and her camera . I get all shy around theses girls . They think I am so cute . They told Gramma that . Gramma was teasing me about it . The girl with the glasses is Teresa . She is Alyssa 's friend and came camping with her . I think I like girls . Do you ? Oscar was jealous , so Alyssa gave him a treat to make him feel better . She likes me the best , though . Gramma said we should just keep that between us . Oscar can be kind of cranky , you know . Teresa is giving me a treat . Look at me standing so pretty ! I am getting much better at balancing . Gramma says to look at the table she made for the store with a stump from a tree . Your Gramma is so clever , don 't you think ? Papa says it is sometimes annoying when she decides to do theses things , cause she makes him do the heavy part . Look how happy the girls are to be holding me ! I gave them each a kiss and they liked it . I think I am quite handsome in this picture , don 't you ? Alyssa has a brother , his name is Cody . He wants you to hurry and get here so he can play with you . Gramma said she is happy that you will have a friend to play with . Cody is pretty cool . I think you will like him . . . . . . . . . . . just don 't forget that you are my boy . I will be so happy to see you and show you all my new tricks and all my new friends . I love you . Your dog , Wall - E Dear Gavin , Here is my rubber chicken . Well , what 's left of it . Gramma took it away from me so she could take a picture , then she gave it back to me . She has to stay in the store today and I would not like it if she took my rubber chicken away with her . Any how , this is what I have left of it . I have really enjoyed chewing it up . I left little bits of it all over the floor and she had to sweep it all up , but she said it was good for the development of my teeth . What ? What is development ? I know what my teeth are , I use them all the time . But this development , I do not know . Here I am . I am sitting on the back of the sofa waiting for Papa to come home . I wait right here every night until he gets home . I have stopped barking when I hear him come to the door . Gramma said I would have to stay in my kennel if I kept it up . I know the sound of Papa 's truck . When I hear it come into the drive I know that Papa will open the door with those things he calls keys . Then Papa will take me outside one last time and we go to bed after that . Oscar and Emmy go to bed with Gramma . Some times that cat Gremlin will lay on the sofa while I am waiting for Papa . I think he might like me a little , but he doesn 't want the others to know this . He still sticks his nose in the air when they are around . I just do not understand this cat . I rolled in the fresh grass today . Gramma mowed again . She sure does do that a lot . We have to go inside when she mows . She said we might get hurt if we stay outside . That is fine by me , that mower is too loud . It has these things called blades that CUT . I do not want Gramma to mow me ! Gramma said I would need a bath tonight . It is very hot outside . She told me to stay in the shade . Emmy told me that is where the sun isn 't shining . Emmy likes to sit in the sun . She said she likes to be hot . Her hair is black and mine is white . Gramma told me that . I am going to go have a nap now . I will be seeing you very soon . I am glad because you are my boy . Don 't forget . . . . I love you ! Your dog , Wall - E Posted by Dear Gavin , You know that big blue thing they call the pool ? Well , Papa is putting water in it . These guys came and cleaned and scraped it and now they are going to fill it with water . Emmy says that now Gramma will be even busier in the store . I am not sure I will like this . I think that Gramma should just play with me all day . I like it best when she is in here with us dogs . Gramma was very happy today . Remember I told you about those tax papers , well they were everywhere . I got in trouble cause I ate one of them , but that 's another story . Today Gramma was putting all the papers together and using this thing called a calculator . All of a sudden she jumped up and did this crazy dance while she sang , " I 'm done , I 'm done , I 'm so happy that I am done ! " Then she put all those papers up . I was hoping to spend a quiet afternoon in her lap , but that didn 't happen . Gramma started taking everything in the living room down and dusting it . She didn 't go get that vacuum cleaner , though , and I was glad about that . But , then she started moving all the furniture ! Why does she do this ? I thought it was all fine before , but she started moving this big thing called an entertainment center . She took all the stuff off of it and there was a lot of stuff , let me tell you ! . Then she was moving it across the floor . It made a lot of noise and it was the time that I usually have a nice nap . Well , that was ruined . I was on the couch , awake , thanks to her , when she moved the couch . It felt like an earthquake ! Gee , I don 't know why I said that , I have never been in an earthquake . ( I watch a lot of TV ) . I thought she would never be done with all this moving stuff , but she finally stopped and now we are sitting here writing to you . We went into the store for awhile tonight while she helped a customer . He petted me . Oscar growled at him . Oscar has been grouchy all day . I accidentally bit his ear again . I am still a puppy , you know , I bite things . He is so sensitive . He was a puppy once and Gramma told me that he did his share of biting and chewingPosted by Dear Gavin , Gramma is feeling a little better . She still says she feels dizzy and sometimes she accidentally steps on us . We are all trying to stay out of her way . She was going to mow today , but she said she might fall , then mow herself . I thought that would look so funny . I was laughing about it until Emmy told me to shut up . She said that if the mower went over Gramma it would cut her all up . Boy , did I feel dumb . I wouldn 't want Gramma to get hurt . Who would love me and take care of me ? So , since Gramma can 't go outside , she has been working on tax papers . I do not know what these taxes are , but it sure does make every body crabby . Oscar says that when Gramma and Papa start talking about the tax papers it would be best to get in my kennel and stay out of sight . What ever taxes are , I know this one thing - - taxes do not make people happy ! Papa was outside working in the park and he came in to wash blood off of his hand ! ! Gramma said , " What did you do ? " . And Papa said , " I jammed a screwdriver almost all the way through my hand . " Gramma watched him wash it . She wanted to bandage it , but he went back out to work . Gramma said it made the arches of her feet hurt just to think about it . I looked at her with one ear up and one ear down . She said that she was hurting because she felt bad for Papa 's pain . People sure are funny . Gramma bought me a new toy . She tried to take a picture of it , but I kept grabbing it and running under the table with it . She said , " I give up . " It is . . . or , I guess I should say was . . . a rubber chicken . I kind of chewed it up and now it doesn 't have any feet . Oscar chewed on it , too . We played tag and tug of war with it . We had a great time , we really did . Only now the chicken doesn 't have a head . Gramma laughed and laughed when she saw it . At first I was afraid that we might all be in trouble . But Gramma told me that she got it for me to chew and that she expected me to chew it up . She told me that I could chew up my toys , but not Papa 's shoes . Gosh , I thought that maybe she had forgotten about thatPosted by Dear Gavin , It has been a strange day here ! Papa didn 't go to work at the station ! He had to take Gramma away in her car . She was sick and she fell down in her office . She told Papa she was going to pass out . At first I thought she might be going to pass out some treats to us dogs , but instead , all of a sudden she was on the floor ! Papa tried to pick her up , but she told him to stop before he hurt himself . Why did she say that ? He picks us dogs up all the time and he has never hurt himself . But , anyway he called the doctor 's office and took her there . She said that she would be fine if we would all get out of her face . . . . . I was kind of licking her and Emmy was standing on her arm . She is back now and she has some new medicine to take . She told us dogs that she would be better in no time and not to try any of our shenanigans , cause she is not that sick . I knew she would be okay when she said that . She does not like shenanigans ! That is when we do things like chew up Papa 's shoes or the rugs or her plants . I will not be doing that tonight , I tell you . I was glad to see Gramma come back home . I jumped really high into the air when she came in the door . She laughed at me and then she let me give her a kiss . There were lots of people here at the campground this weekend . Oscar and Emmy said I might as well get used to it , because it will be this way until the weather turns cold . But you will be here soon , won 't you ? Gramma says just a few weeks . Oscar kept getting up last night to go outside . Gramma wasn 't feeling good then either . Oscar was licking some rocks and he must have accidentally eaten some because he threw up and there were rocks in his throw - up ! ! ! He messed up two of Gramma 's rugs and she had to wash them . I don 't know why , but she really likes rugs and she will get mad if you pee on her rugs . That cat Gremlin did and now he is living outside . I think that is pretty funny , cause he said I should be living outside with that other cat because I don 't have a pedigree . They must cost a lot of money , those pedigreesPosted by Dear Gavin , Gramma figured out how to use her new camera . She took this picture of me . . . . . see my blue eyes ? Gramma is so busy everyday now and I have been trying to be very good . I play with Oscar and Emmy . I am glad they are here , cause I would not like being alone while Gramma works . Papa is hardly ever here except at night when we all go to sleep . He told me to be patient because my boy will be here before I know it . That seems weird . How can you be here before I know it . I think I will know it when you are here , won 't I ? Sometimes I wonder about the things Papa and Gramma say , don 't you ? I am going to bed now . Gramma says we have lots of reservations tomorrow . I don 't know what that means , but I guess Gramma needs to sleep . Oscar says to just do whatever she says and to quit wondering so much . I can 't help it . Gramma says I am curious and that maybe my name should be George . See what I mean ; why did she say that and who is George ? I love you , don 't forget . . . you are my boy . Your dog , Wall - E I am a small white dog with goofy ears that stand up when I am happy . I used to live with my boy , Gavin , in a place called Minnesota . Three years ago I came to live with Gramma and Papa in Missouri . I wrote letters to my boy to tell him abot my life here at the campground . Not too long ago , Gramma found a little white puppy that looked a lot like me when I was a pup . This new pup was named Max by my boy and now Max lives with my boy in Minnesota . Max needs my advice and sage wisdom to keep him out of trouble . |
I 've never been big on " New Year 's " as a holiday . It seems rather silly to me to ' celebrate ' the passage of time . . . and for most of my life , the ' new year ' really occurred in fall with the new school year anyway . That said , I 'm finding myself doing quite a bit of reflecting on the past year and planning for the new one . I think this is partly due to all the turmoil of the past year ( the economy , the rise and fall of gas / oil prices , the election , etc . ) and the foreboding of what may still like ahead for us all . I generally don 't make resolutions , but I guess the change from 2008 to 2009 is as good a time as any to take stock on how much we have accomplished on a more personal level and what we want to plan for the next year . So , here goes . 2008 was a year of massive change for my husband and me . A year ago , we were just starting to put into motion all the steps that led to the huge lifestyle shift we experienced in 2008 . As the calendar changed to 2008 , I was 10 days out from my first flight to Oregon to interview with my current company . We were also wrapping up some home projects and generally preparing to put our house on the market in the next couple of weeks . I had already traded in my beloved Mini Cooper on my Prius , so at the time , I 'd felt like major changes were already taking place . I was really apprehensive about what 2008 would hold in store for us , but I was excited none - the - less . So by the end of January , our house was on the market . In early February , both my husband and I were accepting jobs with new companies . In mid - February , we made our first trip out here together to look at homes . By the end of February , we had our cars packed and we were heading across the country . In early March , we both started new jobs while we moved into an apartment . By April , our home search was in full swing - weekends upon weekends searching for a place to set up our little homestead . By the end of April , we 'd made an offer on a short sale but having heard nothing from the bank in three weeks , we kept looking . By May , wPosted by ' Chocolava ' cookies in our holiday cookie jarFor the past couple of weeks , I 've kind of had to force myself into the holiday mood . First I started with decorating the house . That helped . Then I worked on baking some cookies . For whatever reason , I was not inspired to make the cookies we traditionally make in our family , so I decided to try some new ones . I pulled out my favorite cookie cookbook and flipped through it for inspiration . We bought this cookbook from a little gift shop in Banff Springs when we were on our honeymoon . The woman in the bookstore couldn 't stop raving about this book - and she knew the author personally because she was from the area . I figured " hey ! kind of like local cuisine ! " so we bought it . It 's easily the best thing I brought back from that trip besides my new husband ! It 's called " One Smart Cookie " and I have a little blurb about it in my sidebar . It has nothing to do with homesteading or saving money or being green or living sustainably . . . but everyone needs a good cookie now and again . So , I start with the cookies pictured above . My mom used to make them and called them chocolate crinkles , but in this book they are called chocolava cookies . They turned out beautiful and absolutely delicious . Super chocolatey without being too sweet . YUM ! Cornmeal Maple Pecan Twists - delicious ! Next I opted for ' Cornmeal Maple Pecan Twists ' . . . but I made ' C 's ' insead of twists . Again , yum ! Very chewy and full of texture and flavor . These were the first ones to be gobbled up of the three varieties I made . Gingerbread Snowmen - prior to decorating . Lastly , at the request of my husband , I made gingerbread men . Well . . . gingerbread snowmen since that was the only cookie cutter I had that even came close . Again , another success . Crunchy and very , very flavorful . These things are wonderful with coffee ! All in all , a success . I think my favorites were the chocolava cookies . I 've also made oatmeal chocolate chip cookies from this book ( called " Everyone 's Favorite Cookie " ) and they are wonderful . Oh , and did I mentiPosted by The view out my back door this morning . . . I never thought I 'd say this , but ENOUGH ALREADY ! Holy cow . . . I can 't get over the amounts of snow we are getting ! We haven 't seen the ground since last Sunday - over a week now . The photo above was taken out my back door this morning . That little round black thing on the table is our mini - charcoal grill . On top of it is a frisbee that my H took out there to play with the dogs yesterday afternoon ( since it would stay on top of the snow so they could find it ! ) . Last night when we went to bed , it was clear of snow . I guess that when you mix the typical rainy PNW weather with below - freezing temps . . . you get this disaster . It 's beautiful , but messy , dangerous and a pain in the butt ! This was the view across the street taken after one of the ice - rains we had last week . I had to shovel out the chicken run this morning so that the chickens could 1 ) get out of the coop and 2 ) get water . Their waterer , which is suspended above the ground by a few inches and which is about a foot tall , was almost completely covered in snow . When I walk outside of the paths we 've made , the snow is up to my knees . Neither of the goats will leave their shed . I used to occasionally see them strolling around in between snow showers . . . but we had some freezing rain Saturday night and since then , neither of them are too sure of the crust of ice they have to step through . Even the dogs are not fans of it . In fact , I think that the snow is finally getting too deep for them , too ! Maggie out in the snow before the ice - crust formed . She loved it ! Luckily , our power and internet is holding out . With both of those , I am able to work from home and save my PTO for real needs . My H does the same thing on a regular basis , anyway . He is going to have to cancel a trip to visit a customer this week , but he can reschedule . Driving is treacherous . I grew up in northern states , so to me , driving on snow is no big deal . What I didn 't take into consideration is that when you live in a place where snow is common , they have the insfPosted by Free - range chickens lay eggs with dark yolks ! So as I mentioned last week , the chickens have started laying eggs for us . We are seeing a distinct pattern , too . So far , we are getting two white eggs and one brown egg each day . This means that since we only have two chickens who lay white eggs , they are laying an egg a day . This is pretty unusual for this time of year ( dark days generally mean less eggs ) , but the white leghorns are supposed to be the most prolific layers of our group ( the reason we got them ) . . . so it does make sense . We are getting one brown egg a day , but we are fairly certain that they are not all coming from the same RIR . In fact , based on shell pattern , it 's obvious that we have at least two different RIR 's a - laying at the moment . It 's possible that three of them are in the game since we do occasionally get two brown eggs in one day . We know for certain that none of the ' easter egg ' birds are laying yet . These are mixed breed birds with Americana / Arucana characteristics . They will lay blue - green eggs once they start laying , so we will know when they are of ' age ' . The roosters seemed to have calmed down a bit . There was quite a bit of agression from one of them right as the laying began , but they seemed to have either put their fighting on hold in the interest of staying warm , or the ' lesser ' rooster has learned that he does not get to procreate ( which used to piss off the head rooster and cause fights ) . It is supposed to warm back up to normal winter temps next week , so we 'll keep an eye on them . I think we 've decided to put the big guy into the pot . . . but we 'll make the final decision when it 's time to make the cut . Funny thing happened last weekend when the chickens were free - ranging in the goat pen . We put them in with the goats so that we can go and do other things and not worry about them . It 's possible they could still be taken by large birds of prey , but at least in the pen they are safe from our neighbor 's dogs . . . which are definitely the most immediate threat . Anyway , when they are in the penPosted by Kitty in his new favorite resting spot - under our Christmas tree ! So , Christmas is just around the corner . This year , my H and I decided to scale back in a big way . We have decided to buy one gift for both of us ( something we 've both been wanting for awhile ) and then put a strict spending limit on individual gifts for each other . We also got small gifts for each of our family members and will be including some home - made items with each package . We can 't include everything that we 'd like since all our family members live far away and we can 't exactly mail goats milk butter or apple cider . . . but we are making due . I 'd really , really wanted to hand make all the gifts this year , but as usual , time ran out on me . I 'm not going to share what my plans were though , since I know who is reading ths blog and some of those ideas will just be used for next year ! We partly wanted to reduce our spending this year for financial reasons , partly for my continued desire to reject consumerism and partly from our efforts to be more earth friendly . Reusing things or giving edible items is a simple way of being more sustainable and reducing the impact on landfills . Personally , I also think homemade things mean more , especially when they are from the heart . For our main gift , my H and I hemmed and hawed a little about what to get . There are so many things that we still need , but in most cases , one of us wants ( or will use ) the item more than the other person . We wanted to come up with something that would benefit both of us equally . So , we finally decided on a greenhouse ! We have ordered a greenhouse kit from an online dealer and we were hoping that it would ship to arrive before Christmas . Of course , with the weather the way it 's been . . . it 's probably better that it 's not here yet . With all the snow , artic temps , freezing rain and general winter mess , we wouldn 't really be able to get it put up for awhile anyway . We ordered a 6x8 greenhouse that is modular in that we can buy expansions as we decide we need them . We figure that 6x8 is enoughPosted by Early morning snow on the homestead . Here you can see the coop with one rooster out looking for scratch . Behind the coop , you can see a big apple tree and a slightly smaller pear tree . On the far right , one row of blackberry brambles are visable . So , aparently , snow is an oddity here . Actually , I guess we do get the occasional snow dusting . . . it 's the week long temps that won 't break the freezing mark that has everyone baffled around here . Personally , I LOVE it ! I was so afraid that our move to the PNW wouldn 't afford me days like today - snow on the ground ( that squeaks underfoot when you step on it ) , temps in the 20 's and crystal clear sunlight . Ah . . . the beauty that is winter . . . The view across the street as the sun was rising - and the iceslick that we call a road . I could do without the 2 inch thick ice coating all the roadways though . It took me over an hour to drive the 19 miles to work today . And if you count the time it took to warm up the car and remove all the snow ( our garage is not in use as a garage at the moment ) , then it probably would have been faster to bike here . Of course , that would probably mean certain death with the way people handle driving in this weather . . . so there really is no winning . Ah well , I made it here safe and sound eventually . So this weekend , in anticipation of this cold snap , we took a few cold weather precautions . The first is that we installed the temporary floor in the chicken coop and sealed up all the cracks . I 'd cut a floor out of heavy cardboard ( gotta love those ' dish pack ' boxes from the moving company ! ) a couple of weekends ago . I installed in on Saturday and covered it with pine shaving bedding . While I did that , my H used that expandable foam sealant to seal all the openings along the corners where the boards meet . These two tasks now ensure that our chicken coop is warm and comfy . Snow just beginning to fall on Sunday morning . You can kind of see the foam sealant oozing out of the corners of the chicken coop . In prep for the cold temps , we also fired up our oil furnaPosted by About 12 to 15 years ago , I was neck deep in a retail managment career . I kind of fell into that particular career path by accident . Wait a minute , let me step back futher . As a child , I wanted to be a number of things . Doctor , vetrinarian , oceanographer , lawyer , etc . I ruled out oceanographer pretty quickly when I discovered my tendency to get motion sickness . The doctor / vet idea got thrown out when I dropped Chemistry my freshman year in college ( don 't ask ) . I kept lawyer in the back of my mind , ( even taking quite a few criminology classes as part of my sociology BA ) , but never really pursued it . Somehow , I thought I 'd follow in my father 's footsteps and get an MBA . Toward that end , I entered the ' Executive Training Program ' at Jordan Marsh after graduation . I worked as a department manager for Jordan Marsh . Then as an assistant buyer ( in training ) at Bradlees . Then I went back to store - line and worked as an assistant manager , then an associate store manager and then a store manager for Gap and then Old Navy . Then I left Gap , Inc . to work as a store manager for Polo Ralph Lauren . I ran one of their large volume factory stores for three years . I was located in the Poconos of Pennsylvania and this is where I first discovered my personnal disconnect . Here I was , runing a large volume store in the midst of a complex of factory outlets . Consumerism at it 's most glaring . I was afforded the ability to dress to the nines and to outfit my home in only the BEST . I was making good money and living where the cost of living was extremely low . I also got a 50 % discount on everything I bought . I learned to appreciate amazing quality in my shoes , my clothing , my bedding , my china . . . yes , we even sold china . My wardrobe alone would have put some rich , prep school girls to shame . Two things were wrong with this . . . 1 ) I didn 't concern myself with credit card debt and 2 ) I didn 't NEED all that stuff . I lived alone and yet I had a three bedroom apartment because it was so cheap . I drove an SUV . . . but to be fair , I lived on the top of a Posted by Big economic snowball headed our way - this one is being pushed along by bailout after bailout , too ( I think I see seven ' bailouts ' in this photo ) ; - ) . On Facebook , I likened what 's happening in the economy as a big ass snowball , rolling down a massive hill , picking up size and speed as it heads right for us . . . . This came to mind this morning when I heard an interview on NPR about a guy who supplies clothing to department stores . He was saying that his company was barely hanging on by a thread ( no pun intended ) because all his major accounts ( large department stores , mostly ) had cancelled December orders . He said that he was doing everything he could to hold out ( including laying off employees ) until the new year when things would pick up . This got me thinking about my own company . I work in a group that handles products for network solutions ( like laptops , WLAN basestations , etc ) . Our largest customer pushed out most of their 4th quarter orders . Everyone expected this , but what no one is talking about is how all the smaller customers are also pushing out orders . Yeah , 4th quarter is when everyone cuts back to make the budget for the year , but I think it 's way more than that , this time around . I kept thinking : What happens in January when the orders don 't renew ? What happens when the department stores , or the network builders realize that they had a crappy 4th quarter and now they can 't afford to get back into these businesses in the volumes they had planned ? Then what ? Yes . . . this snowballs . . . Anyway , instead of letting the stress of this eat away at my ability to sleep ( a common occurance for me ) , I 'm going to get more proactive in my little way . How ? Working on the pantry ! Our pantry ( but not our food - this photo was from the listing for our home ) . It looks a little different now that we are filling it with the types of things we eat . We haven 't had time to get to the grocery store in a couple of days , so we are completely out of veggies . For dinner , I 've been looking to our pantry ( such as it is ) . Last night , wePosted by Our first egg is the one on the bottom . The one on the top is a grocery store " large " egg for comparison . I 'm so excited ! The roosters have been ' violating ' the chickens for about a week and a half now , so we knew it must be close to laying time . In fact , today we had to separate the roosters for the first time because they were fighting so badly . We put the smaller one into the goat paddock for the day so that he could free - range . The others we left in the coop / run since it was rainy anyway . When my H went to put the rooster back in , he saw the egg sitting there in one of the nesting box ! Thank goodness we got those boxes done last week ! This is an egg from one of the two white leghorns . They are supposed to be the most prolific layers of the group , so it makes sense that they 'd be the first to lay for us . This was a busy weekend as usual . We did get the chicken coop waterproofed yesterday . It had been clear for a few days , so the coop was nice and dry and it was supposed to be sunny yesterday and warm enough ( barely ) to apply the water seal . By the time we 'd put the chickens back in , it was dry enough that the fumes were mostly gone . Today , it rained and we could see the water beading up on the coop . Excellent ! We also skimmed more milk and ate the last of the carrots from our garden . And we tried one of the pints of canned carrots with our dinner one night . . . they were surprizingly good ! Not mushy at all . . . which I was totally expecting . Next weekend I hope to can a batch of something else ( I did no canning this weekend ) . We did get some big beef bones from our CSA , so maybe I 'll use those to make some beef stock . Today we managed to get in a 20 mile ride . It was pouring rain the whole time , but all of our gear served us well and we stayed dry and comfortable . I was actually kind of glad that I got a chance to test everything out ( including my fenders ) before I have to ride to work one day in the rain . We are both also working on getting back into shape , so a 20 mile ride was a nice workout towards that end . Lastly , Posted by The sun broke through and sent us a gorgeous , bright rainbow across our backyard ! More often than not , the weather can make or break my mood . This has always been the case for me , so I was fearful that moving to a place where it rained from October to June was going to do me in . So far , I 've been wrong . Today is the first day of December , so now I can say that I have been in Oregon for every month of the year . I came here for my interview in January of 2008 . We traveled here for a week in Feburary 2008 to look for a place to live . We moved here in March 2008 and have been here ever since . Up until today , December was the only month I hadn 't yet experienced at all in Oregon . Now , I 'm not clamining that one day in December , a weekend in January and a week in February is enough to determine how the long rainy winter will affect me . . . but it 's a milestone , none - the - less ! Anyway , what I 've come to realize is that while yes , it rains virtually daily in the winter , it 's often not a long drawn out downpour . In fact , it 's mostly just cloudy and drizzly with occasional breaks in the clouds . . . sometimes even lasting a whole afternoon ( like yesterday ) . And then June / July hits and someone turns off the water . It didn 't rain much at all in July or August of last year . In fact , it was very arid . . . cool , dry and beautiful . Anyway , my point is that while it would be hard to plan a week of camping in these winter conditions , it 's easy enough to get things done ( when it 's not dark ! ) and to work around the rain showers . So far , the minor sun breaks are enough to keep my spirts up . Rainbows help , in this regard , too . Let 's see how I do with the rest of the winter ! Posted by First order of business was to skim some more milk . We now do about 8 quarts at a time as I just don 't have the storage containers for more than that . We moved the separator from the workbench in the basement up to the ' desk ' in the kitchen . This made a HUGE difference in the ' dread factor ' as the process is MUCH easier when it 's in the kitchen and I won 't be dreading the next batch when the time comes . Bascially , we have to warm the milk up to 100F . I do this while my H assembles the unit . Then while he 's turning the crank , I pour 4 quarts of HOT water into the feed bowl . As H turns the crank , this water flows through the unit to heat up all the machinery . Then , once all the water is out , I pour the warmed milk into the feed bowl . When the crank is turned at a consistant speed , we get cream out one spout and skimmed milk out the other . While this is going on , I have to keep track of how full each contatiner is getting so that we don 't overflow anything . We end up with 2 half gallon ball jars of skimmed milk , one half gallon pitcher and a little more than a quart of milk to freeze . We also get about 2 cups of fresh cream . The last batch went towards making butter ( which is delicious ) and this batch will go towards making ice cream later this week . We also had ' working on the chicken coop ' on our list for today . While I cut a pattern for a light floor out of cardboard , my H began work on building nesting boxes . We have 12 chickens , so we need 3 boxes ( 4 per box ) . We suspended the boxes in the coop so that they were essentially using ' wasted ' space . We are also going to put down a heavy duty cardboard floor next weekend . We are waiting because we are still ' collecting ' the chicken poop for the garden . Once we move it off the garden , we 'll install the floor and fill it with shavings . This will allow the coop to get a little warmer now that winter is moving in quickly . The floors will not be permanent , so come next spring , we can remove them and start the rotation around the yard once again . Lastly , I continued work on winterizing our row garden area . We 've already covered the entire area with quite a bit of chicken poop by methodically moving the coop across it , one week at a time . Then we covered each poop - laden area with either soiled hay from the goat shed , or with leaves from the apple trees . Lastly , we are laying cardboard over everything . We figure that this will allow moisture to soak in , but it will retard the growth of grass and weeds . In the spring , we 'll remove the cardboard and get to planting . Row garden area : back left is covered with black plastic from last summer ( to kill weeds ) , back right ( near white posts ) is garlic planted under pine straw mulch . The front left is where the coop was last - still needing straw or leaves before we cover with cardboard . Right front is the area that we covered today . My new All - American pressure canner ! My new canner arrived the day before Thanksgiving . I managed to hold off on putting it into use right away by making myself read the entire user manual before I was allowed to use it . I 'd bought a big bag of carrots at Costco earlier in the week , so I knew that was the first item I was going to work with . I used the ' raw pack ' method where I basically just packed raw carrots into the jars , poured boiling water over them , and then processed them in the canner . They look great . . . I have no idea yet how they taste , but I hope to try the first jar sometime this week . There are now 9 pints of baby carrots sitting quietly in our pantry . The first home - canned vegetable to grace our shelves ! After we enjoyed our turkey on Thanksgiving , I decided that I wanted to use the carcass to make turkey stock . I found a recipe using the carcass after it was roasted further in a hot oven . I had my H chop it into manageable sized pieces , and then I roasted it until it was nice and browned . It then went into a pot with the drippings from the bird , carrots , celery , spices and water . After a few hours of boiling this , I strained out all the ' stuff ' and then let the broth cool . Once the broth was cool , I skimmed off the fat and then prepared to can it . This involved simply bringing it back up to boiling and then ladeling it into quart jars . After processing it in the pressure canner , I now have 6 quarts of rich smelling turkey stock . I actually had about a pint of extra , so I have that in the fridge and I 'll be using it to make rice later this week . The roasted carcass turkey stock - canned and headed to storage . I wanted to make a point of including something about this book , and this is as good a place as any . A few weeks ago , while I was in search of the Ball Blue Book of food preservation , I came across this book . I bought the Ball Blue Book used at Powell 's for like $ 8 , and this one was also there for only $ 5 . This was a very , very good use of $ 5 ! ! This book was published in 1981 and it is chock fullPosted by We found our dinning room under a mound of boxes and promptly set a table for two . My husband and I spent thanksgiving with just the two of us . My brother and his wife went on a cruise and my parents couldn 't make the trip from Florida this year . We were invited to head down there , but with all the animals to care for , it really wasn 't going to be practical . So , I reserved a free - range local turkey and planned on cooking dinner for the two of us . I got up at a reasonable hour and began preparations . I had planned to cook our pumpkin pie using the two pumpkins that we got from our garden . I wasn 't sure they 'd be big enough ( we planted late ) , so I had a can of pumpkin as a backup . Turns out , I did need some . . . so I 'm glad that I planned ahead . I then dressed up the turkey and stuffing and put it into the oven . We spent some time outside . We free - ranged the chickens , fed the goats , took a few pictures and generally gave our thanks for the happy heathy animals that reside on our land . Me with seven in my arms . After a few hours doing a little cleaning around the house ( including digging out the dinning room from under boxes and ' stuff ' ) , we were ready to have our dinner . I served sweet potato souffle ( using three different types of sweet potatoes ) , garlic butter french green beans , turkey , sage laced bread stuffing , cranberry jelly ( in the shape of a can ! ) and parker house rolls with home canned blackberry jam . For desert we had pumpkin pie made from 2 / 3rds home - raised pumpkins . Everything turned out wonderful ! The ' bird ' - roasted and ready ! We are both very thankful for the opportunies afforded us in life that allow us to build this homestead in this wonderful place where the only negative is that my family is so far away . Maple - almost full - grown ! I 've been back for a few days , but haven 't had the brain power to update . I will post about the China trip ( with pictures ) in the next couple of days , but I need to get some of the photos from my boss 's camera first . Until then , you 'll have to be content with an update about life on the farm ! I actually got home on Thursday afternoon , but I had to work on Friday , so there isn 't much to report about last week . Both goats and all the chickens are doing fine . Starting last weekend ( while I was gone ) , my H started saving the milk once again . By the time I returned home , the fridge was full again ! Good thing too . . . since we received our cream separator last week . That was Sunday 's adventure . But , first things first . On Saturday , we had a nice long to do list ( as usual ) . We started with free - ranging the chickens . This allowed us to do some updating to the coop . We moved it to a new location . I cleaned out all the poop on the inside and raised the perches up a few inches ( the birds are getting big ! ) . My H set about enlarging their door . He made the opening wider and taller , and he redesigned the door so that it works better and is more secure than it was before . When we put the chickens back in the coop , we put Seven in there with them . After a few squabbles , they all settled down well enough . She 's now been in there with them all for a few days , and everything seems to be fine . Phew ! We were worried that we were going to have to find her a new home and since she 's the only chicken who lets us pick her up , we didn 't want to ! It 's funny to watch them use the new door . . . some of the chickens still squat down to go through it like they had to when it was small ! I think that they 'll eventually realize that squatting is no longer necessary ! The next projects will be to weather - proof the outside and to add the nesting boxes . We also cleaned out the goat shed . We used the soiled hay to cover the row garden area where the coop has already been . This way , the chicken poop and hay ( and leaves , which we also added ) can work into the soPosted by Our little ' greenhouse ' I 'm almost embarassed to post this as it 's so pathetically ugly . . . but whatever . We don 't have a true greenhouse . I really should add it to my side bar ( perhaps I will before anyone even reads this ! ) , but our plans do include buying a kit and building one ourselves . It won 't be big . . . we certainly don 't need big . But it would be nice to have a real one with vents , and doors and such . In the meantime , I wanted to try something so that we could see how growing in the winter would work in our climate . I got this idea from the Square Foot Gardening book and I modified it a little to suit my needs . This is one of our garden boxes with a temporary greenhouse installed over it . I made sure that both ends opened so that I could reach all the plants easily enough . The inside where you can see the duct tape , the top bar and how the ends go into the soil . This is how it went : 1 ) remove all dead debris from boxes ( including acorns . . . where did they come from ? ? ) 2 ) bend 2 10ft 1 / 2 inch PVC pipes in arches over the ends and stick them in the dirt3 ) cut a 4 ft piece of pipe to be the top crossbar for stability and screw it in place4 ) cover the ends with 3mil plastic , securing it with duct tape to avoid cutting / tearing it5 ) cover the rest of it with the same plastic and secure the base with 4ft leftover ' grid ' boards and nails6 ) spend a week trying to decide how to best secure the top plastic to the end pieces7 ) find plastic spring loaded clamps at ACE and use those to secure the plastic in place8 ) mix compost into each square prior to planting to add more nutrients9 ) plant ! Here it is all closed up . You can see the plastic clamps holding the plastic to the pipe . We have mostly leafy greens planted . I did add a couple of onions , leeks , and one broccoli plant , but I have no illusions that those will actually work with our temps the way they are now . It does get to 60 during the day still , but with not much sun , I think the soil is too cold to sprout most things . Hopefully the lettuces , spinach , kale and chard willPosted by Roasted veggies - half from our garden , half from the organic groceryAnother busy weekend under the belt ! This weekend I wanted to remain as on top of things as I could be . This is mostly due to the fact that this will be my last weekend open to do things for a few weeks . Next Saturday morning , I leave for China , for a week , so anything that was falling behind on the schedule needed to be addressed right away . The first thing on this list was to put up the gutter that has been down since we had the work done on the front entryway . Without it up there , rain water comes down the roof and dumps in the mud to the left of the door . We were afraid that if this continues , it would eventually soak into the basement ! So , we got that up this weekend and we changed the flow direction so that it empties to the side of the house were eventually a rain barrel will go . I had to make a crisp to take to dinner with friends on Saturday night . I wanted to make something I 'd made before , but I didn 't have time this past week to try out something new . I had a recipe for an apple - blackberry crisp , so I thought I 'd give it a shot . One ingredient appeared to be missing and the topping was only flour and I tend to like ones with oatmeal in them . So I made the exective decision to experiment even though it was for ' company ' . I went with the filling from one recipe and the topping from another ( cutting out a little of the sugar ) and luckily , it was delicious ! I 'll definitely be making that one again - particularly when the occasion calls for guests ! The evening out was really fun . Good food , good company , good conversations . . . and a nice break from ' farm life ' for a few hours . It was well needed . Sunday was one of our busiest days yet , so having a ' civilized ' break on Saturday night was well timed . On Sunday , we had to clean out and move the chicken coop . That happened during breaks in the rain . We moved the coop to it 's next location in the row garden area . This spot was FULL of weeds and grass for the chickens to devour , so I think it 's a Posted by Canned apple pie filing heated up and served over pancakes - YUM ! I don 't have anything earth shattering to share , but I thought I 'd throw a few updates out . First of all , Sasafras is doing much better . She is back to eating her full amount and her milk production seems to be back to normal levels ( which means she 's well hydrated again ) . We are still milking her , but we are throwing out the milk . Right now , the milk is sort of yellow due to one of her medications . Tomorrow she gets her last penicillin injection , so we figure we 'll wait at least a week after that before we start drinking it again . Lastly , I think I 'm going to give her the de - wormer injection tomorrow as well , so that gives us until next Saturday before we should start drinking the milk again . Not having new milk coming in is actually a good thing as it 's allowing us to catch up on the back log in the fridge ! I also discovered that getting goat medication on your hands is something to avoid at all costs . I spilled a little on myself last night and my hands STILL stink . I 've washed the hell out of them in the past 12 hours , too ! Ick ! The weekend to do list : pick up CSA share of beef & porkmake apple blackberry crispreprocess grape jamcan apples and apple pie fillingclean out goat shedenlarge chicken doorstart work on chicken runmake soap and / or cheeseHappy Halloween , everyone ! Our tiny plot of land is essentially a square . It was once part of the playground of an old school . After the school was closed ( in the late 50s ) , the land was divided into three lots . The lot we have is the middle one . The one to our north is our neighbors ' lot where they have a house similiar in age and style to ours . The lot to our south is about half the size of ours and still houses the original school house . We are bounded on one side by the road on which we live . The last side ( the back ) is backed up against a much larger plot of land . This land actually surrounds all of the land that originally belonged to the school house . The owners of this land use it to house a herd of buffalo ( American Bison , to be exact ) . The first time we saw the bison , they freaked out our goats . Now our dogs continue to bark at them in the early morning , but somehow learn to live with them as the day wears on . My H has taken up feeding them apples . He will fill a plastic bin with the windfall apples and toss them to whichever bison feel brave enough to approach . There was always one bison who kept apart from the rest of the herd . It was a big one , and clearly had been around for awhile . This bison had an injured leg ( slight limp ) and horns that looked like they 'd seen some fighting . We made the assumption that this was an older male bison who was no longer ( or maybe never was ) the dominant one of the herd . It was a bit thinner than many of it 's herdmates , but we figured that was due to age . This bison had a strong affection for apples and would come right up to my husband to get them . Eventually , it got to the point where it would take them from his hand . Last weekend , it took one from my hand ! We even got to see this bison nose to nose with one of our dogs - with no aggression or fear from either party . This particular bison got used to hanging around . On Sunday , it brought a friend with it on it 's visit . H fed them both apples but the ' friend ' was obviously wary . He dumped a pile of apples there so that they could eat them while Posted by Lady apple tree - this is the tree before we started picking the apples . Over the weekend , we picked over 300 lbs of apples . I know it was this much , because I weighed just one of the many boxes we picked and it was over 55 lbs . We picked six of these for apple cider and a few more smaller boxes for eating , storage , giving away and baking . Red delicious on the tree On Monday , I left work early to pick up the rented cider mill / press at a home brew supply store on the other side of Portland . The press is clearly homemade by someone , and it 's got a mill on one side of the frame ( where the apples get pulverized ) and a press on the other side of the frame . It came with two ' barrels ' so that we could be milling and pressing at the same time . Set up to start milling ( the second barrel was sitting to the side ) Apples being washedWe started by washing all the apples . We had 4 varieties that were going to go into this cider , so I tried to make sure that each batch had some of each . This turned out to be more important than I had originally thought because as it turns out , a variety of apple sizes in each load helped keep the mill working smoothly ( I faced a few jams prior to figuring this out ) . The hopper loaded up - this did not work , apples had to be fed in a group of 3 - 4 with only one going in at a time or the mill would jam . Basically , I was feeding the mill and my H was doing the pressing . He also washed the apples , ran the used pulp to the compost pile and filled the containers ( using a strainer ) with cider in between pressing loads . It took a lot longer to mill one barrel worth of apples than it did to press it , so his undying movement kept the process running smoothly . The mill had a wooden box with a round hole cut in the top that fit over the top of the hopper . My original plan was to skip this box so that I could put the apples in faster than just one at a time . Yeah , not gonna happen . This mill spit apple guts EVERYWHERE ! Seriously ! Without that box , I would have been inches thick in apple guts . As it was , I had itCat Older book filled with tons of helpful information about setting up a working pantry including the best ways to store food ( root celler , freezer , dehydration , canning , etc ) . Tons of recipes about how to use those foods providing multiple ways to increase nutrition and save money . I believe that this book is out of print , but if you can find a used copy somewhere , it 's highly useful . |
We stood in the snow , flakes speckling our faces with moisture , and absorbed the howling yelps of the sled dogs . Most were still in their cages when our van pulled into the yard . Empty leads lay neatly in the snow , stretching out from the wooden sleds like red and purple vines . Noses peaked from the dog trailers , puffing out steam in the cold air , and the dogs ' yowling grew louder as they sensed their future passengers approaching . We watched , bundled completely and still unused to the extra space we were taking up in our massive snowsuits . We 'd brush up against each other by accident , or get thrown off by how our ankles kept knocking into each other due to the thickness of the Velcro bottoms of the legs . We absorbed the smell of the dogs . Most of it was their breath and fur , filling the air with earthiness , sharp and sweet . Later you could smell their waste as they relieved themselves before the trip , but it was all quickly swept away by the wind and snow . A line of dogs was already out of the trailers , stakes down in their leads so they couldn 't run off with the sled , passengerless . As soon as we 'd been told that we could indeed give the dogs as much love as we wanted , we 'd all fallen to our knees to obey . I tore off my mittens and sunk my fingers into the furry chests , after offering my hand , palm up under panting noses , to smell . They were all friendly , all desperate to run but also longing to rub their heads into human chests and hands . Nudging faces pushed up to be scratched on the forehead . I could sense when one of them longed to get closer and would move my face to be licked and nuzzled . Pure joy filled me , with a nagging drop of homesickness and longing for my Keeta , my Gaffer , my Diesel . Peace was the one I spent more time with , and she loved the " rubbies " - scrubbing her head into my nails and licking my face frantically . One of the men working there had begun to pull more dogs from their trailer homes and brought them , straining at their harnesses , to their place on the sled leads . The dogs bucked and kicked like racehorses , so eager to run it seemed like they 'd strain so much that their muscles would burst out of their skins and furs and go running off without them . They howled . In the suit I felt invincible . The cold that was writhing around me in the wind did not so much as brush my ribs . My boots were sturdy and thick , gripping the snow with confidence . I had a hat , a buff , and a scarf keeping me warm , and thick tough mittens . I was overwhelmed with the knowledge that yes , sure , I could do anything he needed me to . I was used to dogs . I was used to working in snow . Dragging hay off of a tractor . Hacking ice apart with an axe . Dragging a sick sheep to her feet . In that moment I was full of cockiness and pride at my experience . And looking back at it , I don 't blame myself for that . If you can 't be proud of roots like that , and if you can 't be thrilled to use that experience for something else , what 's the point ? " You 're going to help me bring out one of the dogs . He 's a strong one , and likes to twist . Don 't let go of him . " He pulled the gray and white beast , about half the size of my Keeta , out of the trailer and pulled his wiry forelegs through the harness . The dog panted , chest heaving with excitement and sound pouring from between his canines like drool . I hung onto the dog , feeling him pull against me . I 'd rooted myself , as if I was walking Keeta and realized she 'd seen some potential prey scuttling through the trees . He tried to pull me towards his companions already howling ahead of us on the road , but I stayed grounded . He twisted around , as I 'd been warned , but I didn 't let go even when his harness pulled my mitten into a knot and crushed my fingers . I ended up having to spin myself around , not wanting to risk trying to transfer the harness loop from the twisted mitten to my free one . After only a minute or so , the guide had harnessed another dog and we walked together up to the sled that was second from the front . The man held a dog in each hand and walked quickly up the slight slope , not being dragged , but not pulling back on them either . I slid and stumbled several times as my beastie pulled and tried to gallop off to his spot on the line . It was hard , and I worried I 'd face plant before we got there . But we got the three of them hooked up without problems and then turned to get more . At that moment the man who would be my sled driver in the adventure to follow asked if I could hold the lead dogs while they go the rest of the team . Otherwise , he explained , they 'll turn around and tangle the harnesses . The sound was incredible , standing between the two leaders , holding the connecting strap with a mitten hand . They screamed their pleasure and excitement . Every so often one of them would jump up , and scramble up my stomach and side , begging me to release her . The suit meant that I didn 't feel her claws , just the pressure of her big snow - shoe paws . At one point of the lead dogs jumped over the other , triggering a deep growl that is always a cue for any human around to remove any appendages from interfering with the power struggle that was to come . However , these were well - behaved workers . They each wanted the same thing , each were willing to forgive the other for invading their personal space . As long as they could run . I waited there in the howling darkness . I was blinded every so often by the glare of the guides ' headlamps . Looking back towards the vans and trailers I could see my friends waiting to the side , lit up by the headlights of a truck idling in the snow . More dogs were brought to their sleds . I was warm from having wrestled the bucking dog from before . I 'd taken off my hat and buff and one of my mittens , trying not to overheat , but still I felt sweat beginning to form on my sides . Not a good sign . Sweat freezes and then you 're in trouble . Finally the dogs were all in place , and the students were too - stacked together four to a sled . Everyone quivered with excitement . I was relieved from my post and was waved forward to the leading sled where I squeezed myself in at the back , my knees up around the hips of the person in front of me , my boots pressed into the wooden runners . I could feel the sled at my back , nudging gently at my spine . I was already beaming even before we set off , so stupidly happy at being chosen to help . We sat in thrilled silence , as there was no point to try to talk over the tirade of sound coming from the dogs all around us . I thought we could probably leave then and be happy , just from having doted on the dogs for half an hour or so . I had re - bundled , and later would be thankful that I 'd thought to bring my buff with me to the north . Sudden silence . Every dog had stopped barking at once . Every dog had leapt forward and as one power sped us along the snow and into the trails that spread out through the woods . Our team was at the front , so nothing was ahead of us except the stain of light cast by our driver 's headlamp , and snowy forest . I peered around the backs of my friends and saw the dogs running ahead as if we weighted nothing . The ride was smooth and silent . The padding of the paws ahead of us , the whoosh of the wind and snow of the blizzard that had just begun , and the occasional scrape of the metal break of the sled were the only noises besides our occasional questions and chatter with our driver . The only thing I can compare that feeling to is sailing . There was no jolting or bumping , aside from a couple humps in the trail that the dogs skillfully . It felt like going over the wake of a motorboat in my smooth sweet sailboat back in Maine . At the same time as the ride felt relaxing and meditative , it was also just so so so fun . Not fast enough to be scary , not slow enough to be boring , but a speed that made our hearts race with pleasure and utter contentment . I could feel the joy radiating from my companions through their blue and red suits , flying back to me in the air , mixed with the snow . We could breathe easy . We stopped a couple times as our guide looked back to see if the four other sleds were still behind us . Responsibility came with leading . We took the moment to look around even more , through the hills and trees of the arctic landscape . Our driver said he 'd often see moose walking through the woods , and often got spooked by the huge beasts . At one point we saw a sparkling reflector through the trees , and he thought that it could be light blinking from the large brown eye of a moose . We didn 't see another living thing , but we saw the tracks and there was no sense of emptiness as one might have thought . I could feel that the woods were full of energies , full of creatures besides our furry companions . The dogs could smell them , but none of us could see them . I tried to take a video , but eventually put my camera back in the baggy chest of the suit , and let it sit against my ribs for the rest of the ride . I wanted to consume every second of this . Plus my camera skills on a moving dogsled were nonexistent , right along with my nonexistent low - light photography skills … The snow looked like the animated trails of white dots that appeared in Christmas specials . The blizzard pushed against our sides and faces and was illuminated by the headlamps . My face stayed warm under my scarf and buff , but my eyes occasionally had to blink away a stinking snowflake that had pelted through my eyelashes to freeze my irises . What a thrill to be our on a dog sled as the wind rose and the snow got thicker . It still ended too soon . We weren 't ready to leave , and were relieved when our driver said we could thank the dogs after we dismounted . We collapsed once more at their panting feet . This time they were quiet , exhausted with the thrill of the run and the fatigue that pulling us up the slopes of the trail had caused . They were affectionate still , but let it be more one sided this time . We planted kisses on their heads . We rubbed the folds of skin between their shoulders and necks . We worshipped them for the magic they 'd provided us . I thanked our driver and then found the man that had let me help at the beginning . He had his own team of students working for him now , and they staggered with their own dogs to bring them back to the kennel trailer . We shook hands and he said to have a good stay . He called me " farmer girl " and I beamed . A word about Skansen in general , before I describe my experience . This " museum " is a must see if you are living in or visiting Stockholm . It is a unique and immersive journey through Sweden 's past . You walk along cobble - stone roads past preserved houses from hundreds of years ago . You can walk into the shops and old houses of wealthy merchants or rugged farmers . For those of you who have been to Connecticut , it is very reminiscent of Mystic Seaport - though while Mystic has captured the maritime culture of New England , Skansen focuses more on the farming culture in Sweden I would say , though it 's hard to simplify it that much . There is even a section of this massive outdoor museum that is a small zoo of Scandinavian animals . You can try to spot the wolves , watch the wolverines play and compete , and see the lynx jump for proffered meat . I went to Skansen that day knowing I wouldn 't be able to see everything in only one afternoon . So I took my time and dedicated myself to the animals . I particularly wanted to listen to a talk about the reindeer that would be in English . I wandered through the place , getting turned around a couple times , and slowly began to get chilly . It was a cold , harsh day , but walking made it bearable , and I was happily distracted by what was around me . The best part was that it had started to snow . Not a snow that was impeding . It wasn 't even sticking or building up to grab at my boots . It was simply there , landing on my lashes occasionally and lulling me into pure contentment as I walked through the past . Just as it is meditative for me to look down through thick ice and count the cracks , it is also a lesson in calm to look up into a snowy sky and try to follow individual snowflakes . The deer were wandering around their paddock when I got there , and they all crowded the woman who came to feed them . I listened to the woman but watched the deer eat the lichen that she had brought them . Her talk was interesting , but I didn 't learn anything new ( that 's what happens when you grow up with a biologist for a dad ) . No matter , I could watch and learn from the deer themselves . As they walked , I listened for the clicking sounds their ankles made . I tried to imagine how they could possibly tell one set of clicking ankles from another . Somehow they do , and that is how calves can find their mothers again if they get lost , or how a lone reindeer can find its way through a blizzard back to the herd . As the talk was ending , a voice suddenly range out from over the ridge to our left . Someone was singing , or playing music very loudly , and all of our attention was caught by it . The woman informed us that this was Sami music , which was timed perfectly to follow her description of how the Sami people had tamed reindeer long ago and were the only ones allow to hunt them in Sweden . I thanked her quickly and strode ahead of the rest of the crowd to get to the crest of the hill . There I found the celebration . A couple dozen people were gathered around the traditional Sami dwellings that are part of Skansen . A booth of food and some merchandise was set up and the air smelled like reindeer meat , mushrooms , and lingonberry . It was absolute heaven . But at first I didn 't see this - I wanted to see the singer and approached the performance with my camera filming . I will need to find her name as soon as I finish writing , because for the life of me I can 't remember it right now . The type of singing she performed is Sami traditional yoik and it was impossibly beautiful . You will have to watch the video I took , though the quality is quite low ( a new camera is coming soon ! ) , to really understand . Here it is . When she finished singing her " Peace song " I turned to see what they were selling at this booth . It was covered in bright fabric and reindeer skins and the smells was literally mouthwateringly good . I bought one of each of the meals being sold so that I could try both . I was not disappointed . The singer 's songs continued for ten more minutes or so and we all gathered to eat and watch , some of us standing , some of us perched on random boulders . We were absolutely mesmerized and could ignore the persistent pressure of the cold on our toes . After I finished eating I ducked into the laavu and joined a woman who was talking to a group of teenage girls about traditional Sami folklore . I let her know I was American , again imposing my language on others , but I was desperate to learn . They didn 't seem to mind . We listened and leaned closer to the fire in the stove between us . We breathed in the scent of the balsam fir and reindeer hide we sat on . Slowly our hands began to thaw , but others wanted to see what it was like inside , and there was only so much scooting closer to each other that we could do in the space . I left to give my patch of reindeer fur to a father and daughter . Before leaving the area of celebration , I thanked the singer . She smiled warmly and was glad to talk with me for a few minutes . I was disappointed to learn she didn 't yet have a CD , but hopefully one day she will make one . I think I will come back to this post and add more later , because for some reason that afternoon seems to be escaping me now . Maybe it is because today was so blue and warm . It 's started to smell like spring through the February cold and I don 't know how to feel about that . There was so much more to that afternoon than I can seem to express . But hopefully the pictures will bring you a bit closer to what I saw . My host family took me skating last weekend . The place looked like cold . Thick and reassuring , the ice stretched from one side of this narrow lake to the other . White lines , flat perfect planes of crystal , stretched down through the gray ice . They looked like veins of a crystal . Staring at the ice beneath my feet was like getting hypnotized by a crackling fire . It was almost a meditation to stare down there as I hobbled along . There were no ice sounds here , as there would have been if we were skating on the ocean , and everything was muffled through the hat I wore under my padded helmet . But my attention wasn 't held by the ice for very long . I hadn 't skated since I was maybe ten years old , and even then I had only skated maybe twice . Now I was in a whole new world , with long lake skates on my feet that felt like mini skis and a lake that wasn 't much like the smooth groomed surface of a skating rink . Maybe the Bambi metaphor is over - used , but I really did feel like a baby deer out there . My ankles felt like twigs , my knees shook , and all my muscles clenched to keep balance . I ended up doing pretty well I think . Well , I was at least able to slide along using the poles . Didn 't quite master the strokes of actually moving my feet to push me along - you know , actual skating - but I was going places . The wind was so strong along that lake that we could actually sail with our bodies and fly downwind . However , Anna wisely fetched us back before we went too far . Getting back upwind at that rate would have proven to be a nightmare . She was right . It was like trying to push myself through mud . My whole body felt weak and it was far more of a struggle than I 'd expected . When I finally sat down to take a break , one of my legs started shaking so much it was jumping up and down on the ice . We all laughed at my exhausted muscles and I contented myself to sitting with my thermos of tea while the others did a couple loops around the lake . My fingers were red as I fumbled with my phone to take pictures . My host family really looked like they were flying . They used the ice as an engine , and sped anywhere they wanted to go . I thought to myself that maybe , just maybe , I 'll eventually be able to do that , if I really put the effort into learning . My feet and hands began to get cold . The pulsing burn that is the feeling when ones toes start to freeze is a very interesting kind of pain . It 's quite bearable if you don 't think about it too much . It becomes simply a pressure on your feet that isn 't usually there - if you distract yourself , the pain disappears . Later I paid attention as my feet thawed slowly . My big toe was the last to get warm , and it was so so nice to get the feeling back . We had a picnic on the other side of the lake . We all sat on a dock out of the wind and had hot chocolate and egg sandwiches . It was so delicious after what had been for me and exhausting morning . Eating food after such a morning is always the best - anything tastes good because you feel you 've earned it . As you can see below , my family was impossible to get a photo of without someone blinking or moving ! Oh I love them so much . When we headed home , I wasn 't feeling the best . My whole body ached and I was surprised that my muscles were that sensitive to a new activity . I hadn 't fallen once while on the ice , and there didn 't seem to be reason for certain muscles to be paining me now . Well , if you have read my last post , you 'll know why I was feeling so wiped out and cruddy . I had the flu … But somehow , it didn 't manage to ruin such a magical experience . I can 't wait to go back with healthy strong legs and skate down that lake with birches leaning over it like nursemaids . The ice like quartz crystal . The wind a power to be harnessed and used to fly on tiny splinters of metal . I 'll be back . Yes , I know how stylish I look . The orange things around my neck were spikes that I could pull out if I fell in , and use to pull myself out of the water . I was also equipped with a helmet and knee pads . Thankfully I didn 't end up needing to use any of these things . Photo credit to Elias ( my host brother ) . As a couple of my program - mates and I got off of the metro after having a beautiful brunch at one of their apartments , we ran into a protest just outside the station . They evidently were beginning there to later join the larger march at 2 . Immediately I felt a warm emptiness to see how many people , american or no , were being affected by this election . The entire world has been thrown into a whirlwind of confusion and fear . We arrived at the main square to see that a couple thousand people had gathered there . People of all genders were standing with signs , babies , backpacks , coffee , pink hats , all talking to each other and trying to figure out the world , together . I stood with my friends , and later my amazing roommate from Hamilton ( also in Sweden for semester ) , with my back to a restaurant in this square . We were stuck behind a large evergreen tree which blocked the view of the stage , but eventually I made my way through the mush of people to see through the branches . The speakers , I assume , were incredible . There was just one tiny problem . The speeches , of course , were all in Swedish . I had had exactly two one hour lessons in swedish before that . I could hear the passion and love and power in each of these women 's voices . I could tell that they were eloquent speakers , by the silence in the audience and the speed and fluidity of their words . I could feel the rush of emotion and agreement every time the speaker was interrupted with a cheer , and I did my best to join in with the screaming love every time . But it was hard . I so wanted to hear the perspective the women of this country have on the recent events . I wanted words of comfort and advice and power . I was able to catch the meanings of random words : abortion , Trump , misogyny , racism , Trump , transgender , etc . I felt part of this but also apart . However , when we all started moving , it was a different story . We spread out to form this long line , and I looked behind me to see just how many people there were . I couldn 't see the end of the line as it curled around the block and who knows how far . We walked along the beautiful waterfront . I could see the island of museums , Djurgården I believe , in the distance across the water . The lane where we walked was lined with old trees . The water was half ice . My fingers were cold but my face was flushed with pride to be among these people . The art of resistance all around me . The march ended outside the US Embassy . Soon after movement stopped my friends and I , tired and chilly , wandered away . We went exploring to clear our heads and warm up , but many many many people stayed . Though we couldn 't quite join in on the chanting , as most of it was in Swedish , we could still hear it as we left the line of people behind . We could have stayed there all night I suppose . Maybe some people did . But it was past four and food was much needed . I could not help reporting my marching as often as I could after that . Almost bragging . I was so filled with pride , especially reading about the marches all over the world . Seeing the signs . The pussy hats . The passion and love and bravery of every person who identifies as woman and who wants equality . I hope these photos inspire you . Even if you couldn 't march , that doesn 't mean you did nothing . There is still so much more to be done , so much to resist . So do it . By Petra Elfströmin sweden , TravelJanuary 29 , 2017January 29 , 2017752 Words1 Comment A Warm Winter The line of ice that used to stretch like a speed bump right in front of our driveway has slowly dwindled over this past week . Now only a thin line of it clings to the pavement , and the snow in the garden is completely gone . I suppose it 's been a warm winter across the globe ( which makes sense because climate change is in fact real ) but seeing photos from up north in Sweden makes me want to follow the cold . It 's not that I like being cold , it 's more that everything seems better and closer and calmer when there is snow . However , the warmth means that walking around Stockholm is a little easier , and my nose doesn 't get runny quite as quickly . I 've stopped putting on blush though , because there is still enough crispness in the air to make my cheeks pink . It still however , is unmistakably Scandinavian winter . The sun rises at around 8 : 10 these days , and that 's only when it begins to rise . It 's not all that different from home in the evening , or so it seems to me … But somehow the morning seems so vastly different . Every time my alarm goes off I think of those times when I was little that my family had to catch an early plane at the airport , so we all had to get up at 5am . But this time there is no sleeping in the car . I have to be up and showered in time to get to the train , even if in the end I get to school a little early . That 's the price of my amazing peaceful suburban home : trains leave every 25 minutes or so , and that could potentially make me late to class . ( I might add that our professor of Swedish makes us sing to the whole class if we are late … ) I am sitting in tiny café down a thin alley in Gamla Stan . The place is cramped and small but still has five big flags pointing out where it is . The ceiling is rounded like a hobbit hole , and one wall is all brick . A set of armor , probably fake , stands guard there in the corner , and an old - fashioned radio plays dreadful top 20 music . It is so full of static that I thought maybe the coffee grinder was just on all the time . But no , it was just that ancient radio next to the empty knight near the wall . I ordered a cup of hot chocolate before sitting down to write , and it came to me in a small tea cup and cost 50 krona ! For those americans out there , that 's more than 5 US dollars … And it was tiny ! Plus it came out of a machine like it does in my college dining hall . But no matter . I honestly like any and all hot chocolate , so I was content . The white noise of the static - y radio and people chatting in the sweet language that is Swedish serve as a good background for my writing . My typewriter keyboard adds to the atmosphere I think , blends in , even . I 've gotten several compliments today , the Swedes seem to like my hipster writing set - up . I just hope the tapping of the keys doesn 't annoy anyone , because I know people would be too polite to tell me . I 'm not sure if I will come back here . I need a cheaper cup of cocoa , but now that I 'm here I can make it my writing space just fine . The whole morning and afternoon was spent wandering . I found that café and another lovely art café ( I will post a link once I remember the name ) in which I mistakingly ordered four swedish pancakes instead of two … I ate them all anyway , they were heaven . I definitely recommend swedish pancakes ( a breakfast food I actually grew up with ) with powdered sugar and cloudberry jam . Absolute heaven I tell you . Yes … those are indeed multiple shelves of Terry Pratchett 's books … In english ! And then I spent too much money at both a strangely wonderful clothing store , and my favorite book shop in the world ( besides R . J , Julia of course ) : Science Fiction Bokhandeln . It is a magical place full of temptation … I 've already bought three comic books there … Imagine a beautiful , organized bookstore , but it doesn 't feel like a chain of any kind , and it 's literally ALL science fiction and fantasy books . Plus all the nerdy tv shows ever . Plus comic books . Plus tons of fantasy - sci - fi merchandise . Plus all the gaming ( board and cards , not so much video games ) supplies one could ever hope for . Let 's just say I got a frequent shopper card from them right away . So yes , the freedom of being near a city and having many fewer hours of class than usual is beginning to set in . I realized I could spend as much time in that place as I wanted , and it was quite overwhelming . I wrote 2000 ( ish ) words of my book … And that too started to overwhelm me . I felt the edge of writer 's block begin to surface when I sat in that little café . So , I left , and headed back to the train . I 'm home now , but now have the knowledge that it takes only about 10 minutes to get to Gamla Stan from my school . I have a feeling my book is going to have a complete draft by the end of this semester . If I start to fade from that goal , promise that you folks reading this ( family and friends , I love you for reading this ) will leave some comments yelling at me to get back on track . Photos by me , and the top one is of the Tintin section of a wonderful stationary store … I love Tintin … Though I 've written many a discussion / criticism of the racist and disgusting themes that show it 's the product of its time … But I won 't get into that here . I arrived just outside of Stockholm about a week and a half ago . Now , on a windy Wednesday , I find that though I have done absolutely nothing but make tea , watch tv , and write all morning , I am exhausted . The many subtle adjustments that one 's body and mind have to make when entering a new place , especially one in which you will be staying for an extended period of time , do add up . I am learning how to live in a city , and operate with public transport . My ears are drinking in the language all around me , but my head understands very little of it . My desk is covered with lists of museums I want to go to and things I want to buy or see . My journal sits on my desk with one measly entry , and my sketchbook is still in the back I packed it in . And now , I don 't have class until 3 in the afternoon , and all I want to do is sit around my new home , maybe watch some Netflix , but mostly drink tea and cuddle up with a book . And do homework . Can you believe that I am in one of the most beautiful and richly historical places in Europe , the place much of my family has called home for hundreds of years , and all I want to do is finish all my homework . I suppose maybe I am more of a hermit than I 'd previously thought , but I know really that it is just culture shock . Culture shock doesn 't need to be obvious . It often isn 't . We think the United States and Sweden aren 't all that different , and that 's true if you think of other countries that would contrast more with the two … But again , all the changes , the shifts in vibes and everyday - ness , it adds up . I feel safe and comfortable in this house , the home of my wonderful host family who could not be more lovely , relaxed , eager , and loving . It is a blustery day on the top of this hill in the suburbs . The birch trees with long willow - like branches have been swaying this whole time , and gusts of wind sound like trains going by outside the windows . I need to give myself a break . There is no reason I shouldn 't be content to stay here while my mind and heart catches up with the new place and people and adventures . Writing this all down here is important . Though my moleskin may feel abandoned , here I can pair words with my photographs , and with videos I hope to take as soon as my new camera makes it through customs … And I hope that some of you will get an idea about what it 's like to be in Sweden - to study there , live there , and explore as much as possible while still finding roots in the mossy frozen ground . I find myself forgetting that this isn 't just a city filled with crowds and too much cigarette smoke - it is so unique and ancient and beautiful and surrounded but such life , especially the sea . It is an island city , and that to me means freedom and clarity . I am so excited to embrace it all . |
I 'm thankful for Master , and how wonderful he is , how much our lives have blossomed since he became my owner . I 'm thankful to have two good kids , and our health , and a family that is close and loving , with hardly any family feuds . I 'm thankful for snow ( maybe ) and sun and not having to shovel the driveway again today . I 'm thankful for all my friends , and also for all the readers that comment or lurk here ! Last night we were snuggling in bed watching a movie , as he gradually took all my clothes off , feeling me all over . It turned into pussy spanking and light punching , then he began to work his fingers inside me . I had come and squirted from the smacking , so I felt soaking wet , and yet he told me to hand him the lube . We keep a large bottle on the nightstand . He squirted some on me ( cold ! ) and then began working more fingers in . It felt really good and stretched out , and left me with a pleasant soreness . After the movie , later on , he watched porn while I sucked his cock and he fucked me , which I wasn 't really getting into . Sometimes I am just his hole to get off , though , and I deal with it . For some reason I was having a hard time being that for him without feeling kind of bad . A little sad , I guess , I don 't know . Disconnected . Really just a hole , but not in the hot objectification way . When he asked what was wrong I told him this . He told me I was his hole , his cunt , his slave . But then he reached for the leather strap and put it around my neck . All my distanced feeling was forgotten in the ecstasy of his pulling on the strap , it tightened . . . just for a minute . . . ohhhh ! and then he put it in my mouth like a gag or reins . He pulled it tight again and told me to come , while wrenching my head to the side , THAT was a big one ! He let me use the magic wand also , and I pretty well soaked the blankets . I asked afterward how much of his hand made it inside me , but it wasn 't that close to his whole fist , yet it was still feeling quite full with all his fingers up to the last knuckle . Quite full and very delicious , in fact . at Yeah , we fucked more than a few times this weekend , and it was okay . The last time ksst wore her big butt plug , and it felt so good bumping against my cock as I fucked her that I almost went for anal . Ass sex . But that reminded me of my Civ V game where I 'm playing the Aztecs , so I came , and went back down to play . In Civ V you can choose different countries to play , and I mostly choose the Aztecs because they sound like ass sex . They 're really not a good power ; the special unit is weak , the special building is only a minor improvement over the standard watermill , and the special power sounds way better than it is . If you really want to go for policies , you should choose the French , or another power that gets steady and reliable Culture Boosts . If you want to wage war , you should pick a country with a better unit , like the Mongols . Probably the best power in Civ V , for my style of play , is the Persians , who have a great power , a good unit , and a great building . However , when I play the Persians , I tend to tortoise up and not fight anyone . I 've spent entire games without a single war . I won them , of course , but seriously , why bother ? Same with the Egyptians and the French . The Aztecs , on the other hand , pick fights all the time . Units in the water are just free culture for me . My caravels and frigates roam the oceans running over any unit they come across , just for the culture . It makes for an interesting game , constantly fighting the entire world , but unable to pull off any really big conquests because at level 6 , where I usually play , you can 't conquer people and stay happy . I 'm usually happy if I can keep my empire 's happiness above - 10 . I love the Mongols even more than the Aztecs . Their powers of conquest are unsurpassed , but on the high levels the unhappiness quickly kills you , with your cities ' production at almost zero , units fighting at half strength at best , and zero population growth . Even razing cities to the ground , a common Mongol tactic , can 't stem the flood of unhappiness . I sometimes sell conquered cities to other civilizations with which I am not yet at war , but then I end up having to reconquer them . So , ass sex , or Aztecs . I 've won with all the other civilizations at at least level 5 , except for the Greeks , who should really be the Macedonians , as their leader is Al the Great , and Ramaramadingdang of the at Bedtime . I have removed my robe and am wearing only my leather collar and a thin shirt with lace edging around the neck . " You are so beautiful " . He tosses it out there like a fact . Just a statement , not a flattery , not designed to make me feel anything or do anything . And in that moment , his words create my reality . What I am in his eyes is all that matters . I am . at A new one : I was sitting here in my computer chair , when he beckoned me upstairs . I followed him to our room , where he told me what he wanted . I dropped to my knees in front of him . His cock still tasted of me ; that was only a few hours earlier , actually . Before his shower he wanted me once more . He was already hard as he thrust to the back of my throat . He grabbed my hair and began pumping into my face . I started to orgasm . In that second he saw it and told me to come , but I 'd already started anyway . He told me where to put my hands and what to do , then another few minutes of sucking and he pulled me back off and shoved me on to all fours . He kicked me in the ass a couple of times , then positioned himself behind me . Throwing my robe up over my back and ripping ( almost literally ) my pants down , he took me so violently I gasped at the tightness and dryness despite my orgasm ( it was not a squirty one ) . I realized I kind of had to pee then , but the feeling of him deep inside me and pounding up against my full bladder made it even more intensely delicious . Is this supposed to happen ? I thought sex when you had to pee was not supposed to feel this great ? Or maybe it always does ? These thoughts flittered through my head before all thought abandoned me , leaving only the feeling of him roughly fucking me like a bitch on the floor . I felt every inch his bitch . He used my robe sash for leverage , driving in deep and hard . Then he suddenly stopped and my greedy little cunt was like " Heyyyyy " but then my mouth , just as greedy , was filled again , his cock now tasting strongly of myself . I had thoughts of damp panties being shoved into my mouth as a gag . Maybe they 'd be mine , or maybe someone else 's . . . at Last night , for the first time in a few years , Master let me go out to a dinner at a restaurant with some kinky folks without him . I went with Mystique and we had a fun time chatting and eating , seeing friends and meeting people . Master stayed home to relax with the kids after he 'd had a long day of work and then getting hay with me . He said beforehand that since he was letting me go out alone I was going to owe him big time . Now , this is kind of a joke since he already gets everything he asks for from me , but still , the idea of owing him more than that , well , it made me a bit worried . Can I owe him big time and yet not owe him at all at the same time ? Or is he just messing with my head ? Knowing him , it is the second one . Some of the things he talks about would have been hard limits for me if I were allowed to have any of those . Years ago I tried protesting " Don 't say those things ! " , which didn 't work . At all . I am a big fan of force and not having any say in this ( which you may have realized if you read more than one or two days of my blog ) so I got over it , rather than continue to protest . His corrections to me generally went along the lines of " You are my property . You will do as I want , and I will do as I want to you . " That is paraphrased . It was at least a couple of years ago , maybe three , so I don 't remember exactly what he said . Most of the sort of talk I didn 't like at first I really find hot now , and if I don 't , well , he does what he wants , right ? And that is good for me . I got tied down to the bed last night , and had a serious long beating with the misery stick , and the paddle . I was humping the blanket in delight and agony before he let me come . After that there was some delicious sex , the dessert . : ) This was my reward for doing a certain task for him yesterday , one that was difficult for me . And , surprising me , it turned out he was saving my punishment for this morning . It was quick and painful , a lot more painful than the " fun beating " of the night before . This is how punishments go , of course , with no time for warm up or enjoying it . I 'm having a pretty awesome day today , with my butt all sore and everything . I helped that along by wearing my butt plug for a while . It has a string on it now , thanks to all the people that worried me with stories of butt plugs vanishing up their rectums . I had this delightful fantasy going on while I wore it . I imagined that Master and I were shopping together , and I was wearing the plug with the string , and also a longish coat . He had his hand under the coat , holding the string and tugging at it to guide me around the store , or just to remind me that he was holding my leash . at " It 's not just in your mind " I said lustfully , not trying to be insolent , because he knew everything , what I wanted and how I didn 't want it , as my hips strained upward to meet him . I can feel a cut still on my lip where my face felt his hand then . Three times . Then I came , again . Earlier I had to give him many confessions of things I had not done , or done wrong , or thoughts I had which were the wrong ones , the thoughts which led to me avoiding him and pouting last night . I know I should not do this and I do it anyway . There were so many confessions to make that every time I thought I 'd finished I 'd think of one more . I 'd had a hard couple of days , and frankly everything was finally catching up to me , things that I didn 't want to admit or even think about . Punishment is still an option , but one that he doesn 't use this time . He has many reasons to punish me ; he says I should be punished , he even asks if I need to be punished . I have a hard time squeaking out a yes , finally , and yet he doesn 't , because I guess he doesn 't want to . I don 't feel it as a grace though . It would be nice if I did feel that way , or even felt a little grateful , but I don 't . I do feel grateful that he has torn all these confessions out of me , even though it makes me cry in agony . This is how he owns me , even the bad parts , the parts I wish were not me . He still uses the paddle on me , reminding that it is only for his pleasure , not because I want it or don 't want it or deserve it or don 't deserve it . I finally give a right answer , surprising him , when he asks if I want to be beaten more . " It doesn 't matter what I want " . Punishment or not , it still hurts like the devil , and I cry . I fight with my own hands to keep them from rising up in self protection when he works on my chest with the small wood paddle . Finally I am wrung out limp . He 's struck out all my pain , absolved me and we can sleep . at This all started a couple of years ago , when I told her that while she and my dad were watching the kids we were going to a friend 's cabin for a picnic . And she said " Well , are you going to be running around naked in the woods then ? " totally out of the blue . It caught me so completely off guard , that I blushed and stammered , " Well , actually , yes " . She told me to make sure to wear sunscreen . I didn 't tell her that her son in law was going to be beating me after I got naked in the woods . My mom is unique , I suppose . What you might call " a character " . She thinks all this is more humorous than scandalous . No reason to worry as long as I 'm keeping my sunscreen on . Now , she knows we go camping every year with friends , and the kids don 't get to go . So that makes her absolutely sure that we are nudists going to hang out with our nudist buddies . Because what other reason would there be for going camping without kids ? Last time we spoke I made a comment about their weeks of keeping the kids in August being Master 's and my time to " frolic " . She said she wasn 't sure she wanted to contribute to the delinquency of a " major " ( she almost said minor , but remembered in time , I 'm old ! ) I just laughed and then she said " I always knew that man was leading you into naughty things ! You can tell just by looking at him . " Oh , I was so unbelievably tempted to deliver up to her curiosity a hint of the naughty things . But I didn 't , just bit my tongue and changed subjects . at Yesterday I was flirting heavily with some people that are going to be staying with us in a few weeks . I was telling Master all about it , and normally he doesn 't get upset about this behavior , he doesn 't really care if I flirt . But one particular thing I said caused him to say that I really was being too naughty . I teased that I deserved a spanking . He said , " Even worse , you get NO spanking " . And so , sadly , I didn 't get any . It doesn 't even matter that one spot of my ass is still sore from Sunday . I have massive cravings . at I don 't have any piercings , not even my ears anymore . I originally got my ears pierced because Master wanted to be able to buy me earrings , but the infections kept bothering me for a long time so I let them close up after a year or more . That was back when I was a teenager . I 'm pro - piercing , if my Master wants to have it done . He has been talking about getting labia rings , and also a clitoral hood piercing for me . It would be all about what he wants , not what I want . I have heard that the new jewelry is far better than the old cheap stuff I had in my ears , so hopefully I would not face the same problems again . What is it about them that makes them a " kink " as opposed to just decoration ? I would be doing it because my Master thinks it is hot . I do also , but without him desiring it , I won 't do it . I think it would be especially exciting to do it as a scene , where he organized the whole thing without consulting me , then had me tied up during the piercing . We know some piercers who would enjoy doing it this way . . . I haven 't done it , so I don 't know . I think whether I like the sensation or not ( I 'm thinking NOT ) wouldn 't matter ; it would be more about the symbolism it holds for ownership and belonging to him , and him making the decision to have it done . That is the part that gets me . See above ^ : ) . Also , I think rings are really pretty and would be fun to play with after they are healed up . Master is keen on getting a locking mechanism on my cunt somehow , just for the hotness factor for him . He has also been talking about doing some stapling , but that is a slightly different thing , as it is only for the play , not for permanent decoration . If you a lover of piercings on other people ( but not yourself ) what is it about them that turns you on ? I like the way they look . I didn 't use to , but now that I 've seen a lot more I find them attractive , at least sometimes . I don 't love facial piercing as much as nipple and cunt jewelry , but I 'm not really sure why . The thought of belly button piercing being done is the most frightening . I don 't think I 'd like that at all . We had visitors this weekend , small children we were sitting for . Which led to 24 hours of seeming chaos - - between the dogs ( one of which could not stop barking any time anybody moved ) and the kids it all led to me feeling totally run down . As soon as they left though , and ours too off to a friends house , Master caught me in the bedroom with laundry . Serendipitous , eh ? He pulled down my pants and shoved me to the floor . The belt and whip were liberally applied as I moaned and tried not to squiggle , then some cocksucking and the misery stick . The butt plug . A whole lot of fucking and orgasms . My batteries are feeling recharged , and Master is making dinner , too , some bean soup . Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh . at My Master likes me to put up a bit of a fight sometimes , just for fun . I hate it when he blows on my tummy . He could just order me to lie still and not put my arms in the way , but sometimes he lets me fight and wiggle first . This morning I thought he was going to do it , and went to protect my stomach and he let me struggle a little bit before ordering " hands above your head " . Then he almost did it , but not quite , but then seemed to change his mind as he told me to get up and make biscuits . He said the fleeting emotions in my face - disbelief followed by relief - as I started to get up and then he pushed me back down and did it anyway were just sweet . This was after I 'd been spanked with the misery stick , so I have no explanation why it so much worse than a stick that actually hurts A LOT , but it is . at The day collar obviously passes well in vanilla situations , the night one , not so much . I have two other day time collars , but they look very similar to that one , so I 'll just post the one I wear most frequently . I have some pendants also that I can wear with them . I have one other , besides those , which is a rhinestone studded pet collar , and is for more dressy kink occasions . I don 't really wear it at home . I 'm on top . Riding him . He likes to talk during sex . I 'm more of a moaner and groaner , but sometimes he 'll force me to talk too . He says " You 'd like her to be here too , wouldn 't you , slut ? " " Yes , Master " . I always answer " Yes , Master . " It is the safest thing . Well , I almost always answer that way . Other times I live on the edge . " Yes , Master " . I smile at his endearments . I look into his eyes and feel lost and found in his ownership of me . " You 'd like to lick my come out of her ass , wouldn 't you ? " My insides go squelchy squelchy flip flop at that , and I hide my face from him but still say " Yes , Master " . He 's pushed me to the edge now , and he cradles my face with one hand . I flinch prematurely because I know what is coming and I love - dread it . Slap ! Then the other cheek gets it . Slap ! He tells me to COME , and I do . He makes me flip over and takes me from behind . Pulling my collar tight around my neck , he rides me until his finish . I would like it that way , just as he says . at But not in the normal way . I did come , but it did not go the way I planned . I am allowed to masturbate once a day when Master is gone . Yesterday I decided to give myself a little more involved self loving session and really draw it out for maximum pleasure . I put the butt plug in after applying a little lube and manual stimulation . Then I put in a dildo as well . That wasn 't going to stay in my pussy on its own , so I pulled up my jeans to hold it . I planned to walk around the house , do some cleaning , enjoy the sensations of being all filled up for a while . Or . . . . I could just use the magic wand for a second or two , and then walk around the house . Standing in the middle of the bedroom , I touched the wand to the outside of my jeans . Just a second . Ok , just for two seconds . Maybe just one more second . Damn that is good . Now I 'm just going to turn it off . . . any second now . . . Then I came , still standing up . And that 's it . Fun over . I guess I could have tried for more , but you know how you sometimes just get that " Ok , I 'm done " feeling when no one else is there to push you on for more ? That is what I had . Master enjoyed hearing me describe it to him last night . at Last night I hurried upstairs after finishing up a few things , threw off my clothes in a flurry , changed from day collar to night collar and flung myself down into position . I had barely waited a minute when Master came in and told me to get into bed . We did our little ritual , then he picked up a cane , a couple of which are stored right by the bed , handily enough . He stopped to rub and fondle my ass . I humped the bed a little bit , or tried to anyway , but he shoved me down hard and flat again , then resumed the cane work . He paused to grip me by the throat , with his other hand in my mouth , and told me to COME ! More caning . After a short while I got a slightly floaty feeling , slipping away into subspace . He punched me in the ass with his fist quite a few times . Then he was done and told me to thank him while sucking his cock , which I did very gratefully . Sleep came easily after that . at This was something I wrote on Fet in answer to a question about how much intimacy is shared in D / s relationships . I am putting it here , honestly only because every time I think about what I wrote it gives me the warm fuzzy happy feeling , not to try to say that this is how it should be , or how it is for everyone in a D / s or M / s relationship . Are there limits to your intimacy ? We don 't have a line on intimacies , generally . He calls me Pumpkin . I sometimes call him Sweetie on the messenger ( or I just call him M ) . He rarely puts a restriction on whether I can touch him ( basically only We are married , to each other , and we are romantically in love , in addition to being Master / slave . I don 't feel it makes me less submissive or less of a slave in any way to have those intimacies . The Ready for Master I 'm ready for him to come back now . He was gone overnight out of town , and instead of staying up late fiddling on the internet I went to bed at 8 : 00 . I woke up a couple times , but not for long , and just to do a couple late night things , like give myself the extra orgasm he had generously allowed me , but basically I slept for 11 hours . It was SO good . Ah , wonderful sleep . There was a 24 hours in O / p thread in one of my groups this week , but I thought I 'd expand it to forty eight hours so you can see the good , bad , ugly , ordinary , but mostly good aspects of our days . Tuesday , about 4 : 30 , I was boiling chicken for stock , and making pizzas . The first pizza got done at about 5 ( then the dough had to rise for next pizza ) . The second pizza got done at 8 : 00 pm . So in between then we had some salad and watched a show ( Archer ) on DVD . Then we ate more pizza and watched another episode . Master put kids to bed . I let dogs out and back in , fed them , washed dishes and then it was about time for bed . I waited for Master to come up in my usual spot , kneeling head down on the floor , then when he told me I could get into bed we did , and went to sleep right away . 5 : 30 . I got up and made breakfast - sausage burrito for Master , bacon for the kids and Cheerios for me . He told me I had to make a fire and I explained my fears about doing that , so he said just get it ready . I build the fire and waited for him to light it . He came down and said " Ok , now light it . " Which I did , no problem . Sneaky Master ! The problem with the fire is a bit complicated to go into here . Master left about 7 for work , dropping the older kid off at school . I was on the computer some , until time for second kid to catch the bus . Got him on the bus , then did some laundry and cleaning , read some things on the computer , put a butt plug in , masturbated , took it out , had a shower , washed dishes and so forth . About 12 I got ready for Master to get home , as he had a half day of work today . When he got home he ate a quick lunch , then kinda threw me over the couch for some . . . fun . He told me to put on something else , something " cut - able " so I did . I waited for him in our room . He began caning me a bit , then he watched porn for a long time while I sucked his cock . Then he tied me up , caned me , fiddled with the video camera a bunch , made some movies in this and that position of the caning , which didn 't really turn out . Have to try again later I guesFor dinner I made chicken , salad , and fettuccine with pesto ( that I made tues . morning ) and pine nuts . After washing up and getting kids to take baths , do homework , and go to bed , I did all the dog chores like every night . I can 't remember what then , I fell asleep or something after folding the laundry . Master woke me up later and we did our little ritual where we discuss my service for the day , which he said was very good , even though I didn 't get my outside chores done because it was raining . I also hadn 't waited for him in my spot because I 'd gone to sleep so early . A good fucking makes up for some things . : ) Then it is morning again , bright and shiny 5 : 30 , ok , I lie , it was nasty sleeting icky at 5 : 30 but I got up and made breakfast after Master had cuddled me and told me to get up . The morning routine was pretty much like the day before except that I did not make a fire . Make food . Let dogs out . Drink coffee . Check the internet sites . While Master was getting dressed I knelt in front of him and kissed his feet , but he didn 't have time for any fooling around . After getting the youngest kid off to school I cleaned up the dog poop from the yard , then picked the rest of the carrots from the garden and set them to dry on the kitchen table . I vacuumed and straightened up the house some . Then I put the butt plug in again , masturbated quickly ( takes like 10 seconds ) then had a shower . I searched for some jobs online , printed an application and my resume and agonized about filling it out . When it was done I would have to take it down to the company and drop it off . At this point I was wishing I could be a lot more normal and relaxed about everything because my anxiety was through the roof about doing all this . I can 't even figure out what causes it , I just feel sick all over . Insecurity , self doubt , worries about not getting a job , worries about disappointing Master , worries about getting a job and hating it and being unable to keep up with my jobs at home . . . . all those sorts of things . Anyway , I promised myself a reward of a Halloween Kit Kat after dropping off the application . I left it there on the passenger seat of my car . By the time I finished doing that little task I was feeling too sick to my stomach to actually it eat . For a while . Then I got stuck waiting for a train to cross the road and I calmed down eventually and ate the candy bar . When I got home about 1 : 00 , I went for a walk with Ben ( the dog of the day ) . We walked two miles and it felt really good , not so cold that it was unpleasant , just brisk ( about 37 degrees , no sleet ) . I jogged part of the way . I tried really hard to focus on positives and get the negative junk out of my mind . I got home , checked Facebook , and a friend from the local community had posted that his company was hiring , so I filled out an application for that , luckily this one was all on line and I could attach a resume also . I think they only have 2nd shift right now , so that is probably a bust . Master doesn 't want me to work evening hours because he 'd never see me . I cleaned and put away the carrots that were resting on the counter . With the chicken stock from the day before I made a chicken matzo ball soup with carrots and celery . The kids were home , and the littlest one helped me chop carrots . When Master got home we ate ( the soup was delicious ) and then headed over to Mystique 's for Thursday night TV watching . The kids chattered away pleasantly in the car and I really appreciated what good kids they are . It was getting late when we got home , but Master had to work on household finances , so I took care of dogs and kids , then I huddled up in bed with my book for a while until I fell asleep . Master came up at about 10 : 30 , and was ready for fun , which I was not really expecting . I had to let in and feed one more dog , brush my teeth and hurry back . First we talked and I let on what an emotional mess I was about this whole job search thing . He reassured me again that I was not useless , not failing him and encouraged me to keep trying . I labeled the following sexual escapade " Round the world in 40 minutes " . He pretended that he was some stranger who was going to pay my Master $ 50 for me giving him a blowjob . Then he proceed to " rape " my other holes and stiff me my Master 's $ 50 . It was hot . I cried . It was a good emotional release because when he was all done I was smiling . He told me to come out to keep him company , and to help . I asked if I could finish what I was doing first . He said yes , and he waited for a bit , then went out . I finally got done , put all my warm clothes on , got outside and immediately realized I should have made a pit stop first . I told him I needed to pee . He was already breaking some smaller sticks . He sighed and said , " Really ? " And then he added " Right there , right now " , pointing at the ground below my feet . I squatted , lifted my skirt and obeyed . I helped by holding the logs down for him while he cut them with the chainsaw , and then picking up the cut pieces , loading them in the wheelbarrow and carting them to the back porch . More firewood is good ! This was the tree that fell across the driveway a few weeks back . And look , I still have all my limbs ! at It sounds so mysterious , and it was getting spooky , because on the way there Master and our friend who rode with us were talking about the Walking Dead ( they are both fans - I am not ) and I got all creeped out about driving through the wilderness . Everything took on that not - at - all - familiar look that it does in the dark . Just when I was ready to panic , we arrived safely ( no zombies ! ) . I only shrieked a little bit when the car hit a stick . There was much fun , and many bruises acquired . Master organized a scene lasting nearly two hours with multiple people , bottoms and tops , involved . A commercial break You have just looked up at the clock to realize it is 7 : 30 pm , and none of your assigned tasks for the day have been done . The bed is unmade , laundry undone , dishes all over the kitchen , no dinner cooked , body unexercised . . . and Master 's headlights are coming up the driveway too . You have been sitting at the computer for 10 hours ! You look down . You are still in a ratty old bathrobe ! How awful ! You try to run a brush through your hair and accidentally dump over a half full dish of soup over yourself and the kitchen floor . Master walks in and sees you and the dogs scrambling over the floor trying to clean up the mess . He looks at Fetlife . " Two hundred and thirty seven comments you made today and I don 't have any hot dinner ! " Master chides . He takes you upstairs . He pushes you to your knees and opens his fly . You catch strong smell of cunt . He rubs your face in it , tells you his 22 year old secretary is so much younger and hotter . He makes you suck her scent off his dick . Wouldn 't this be a good time for a piece of rhubarb pie ? Nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like Beep Bop Ba Ree Bop Rhubarb pie . Serve it up ! Nice and hot ! Maybe things aren 't as bad as you thought . Master 's little slavey loves rhubarb , rhubarb , Beep Bop Ba Ree Bop Rhubarb pie . Every time I try to write something , I sit here staring at a blank blogger page . For three days now . It is not that we haven 't been doing things . Perhaps I 'm just overwhelmed by all the things , and this cold in my head isn 't allowing me to think straight enough to write . Anyway , Master made some porn videos of me and had me post one on Fet . I was getting caned while tied to the rafters in our bedroom . It was just a short clip , but I was stomach churningly nervous about it being posted . I worried that I wasn 't attractive and that people would see it and think bad things about the way I look , the way the fat jiggles , erk . Master chided me for thinking this way , as HE finds me attractive and that is the most important thing of course . At the same time , watching the video brings back all the memories of how hot that night was and how much I enjoyed it . I worried that people would watch it . I worried that people wouldn 't watch it ( gah , attention whore tendencies ! ) . Mostly I just worried . It was the same way when I first posted still naked pictures on the internet . Sigh . Much worry over nothing , really . Thursday night started with punishment because Wednesday I had done a few things wrong ( being disobedient ) and royally pissed off Master , who already had a headache , so he was mad enough that he wouldn 't punish me . He waited until he had a cool attitude the next day and then punished me . When that was over , the " fun caning " was on , and that was when he took the videos . at 1 . If happiness was a currency , what kind of work would make you rich ? Sex , intimacy and bdsm . 2 . Are you doing what you believe in , o . . . I am an owned slave . I am married to my Master , and have been since 1993 . The addition of a M / s relationship to our marriage is relatively recent ( 2011 ) , and if you 'd like to read more about how it developed , see the first two blog entries " Beginnings " and " The next chapter " . We live on a small farm in Wisconsin and have two kids . A list of my favorite posts can be found here , if you are looking for the " meaty " topics , they are here : http : / / slavetomasterblog . blogspot . com / 2015 / 01 / favorite - topics . html |
Hmm … it 's new years eve . In less than two hours it will be 2009 . 2008 seemed to flash by in a blur , right ? It seems like it was just yesterday that I was getting ready to go to Jons house and party it up with my best friend , Fran , my girlfriend , Brittany , and my favorite bunny lovin ' buddy , Jenny . Last new years eve was awesome . It was my first time just doing whatever and partying . I didn 't stay home with my family , nor did I go to someone 's house and just chill . January : the only thing that sticks out in my mind from January 2008 was Hairspray . Brittany got us tickets for Christmas and it was my favorite gift ever . I loved that show . So much . February : the second month was the Spice Girls concert . Fran and I went to see our favorite British girl band in the world . Nothing will compete with that … maybe not even Britney Spears 's concert this march . March : march was march . That was it . April : Jenny 's birthday . Sleepovers , and lovin . May : may . May may may . What happened in may ? I don 't remember * shifty eyes * um … the end of classes and the start of summer break . June : birthday week . Car stereo , going to a bar for the first time , the start of the best summer . July : Six flags ! Taking Brittany to the city for her interview with the police academy and walking around and riding the subways for the first time with bffl . Meeting family , drinking , laying around and doing nothing . August : I cut my hair . Everything started to change . New semester , Brittany started the academy , Fran got a new roommate , Jen stopped working at KB as much , but life was still good . September : started getting discounts on hairdye again ( thanks Bffl ) , skipping class to go to the mall . October : Halloween , distance , parties , hospital , change . November : November , fuck November . Thanksgiving , black Friday , heart break . Then it all went still . December : here I am , sitting at Frans dinning room table , on my laptop that I just got for Christmas … Christmas that just passed but doesn 't feel like it . New years is a blur . I 'm stuck in the past . I canPosted by Today . Today was pretty freaking cool . My brothers had hockey practice , so I was able to sleep in fo real real . Like one oclock real . I woke up and called my poppy because it was his birthday . I got dressed , and was going to go to the park , but decided , after driving there , that I didn 't want to , so I drove home , got changed , and drove over to my nanny and poppys house . Before going there I stopped at shop rite and picked up a carvel ice cream cake , and some candles . My nanny , poppy , and I went to chilis for dinner and I got really really good chicken tacos . Like REALLY good . Maybe my new favorite dish there . After dinner , we ate cake ( which I recorded on my webcam for fun ) , then I hung out with them for a while . Next I went to Best buy and bought The Office : season four . Jen and I decided that we were going to hang out and I was going to give her her gifts . So I went home , cleaned my room a bit , and then Jenny came on over . For Christmas I published one of Jens books , and I think she really liked it ^_^ I mean , she was speachless … which is more of a response than I thought of . I 'm really glad she was happy with it . I also threw in The House Bunny because it was such a good movie . Next we went to Starbucks , and got yummy fraps and then I curled her hair with her new curling iron which comes with its own glove because that 's how hot it gets … seriously . I could feel the heat even with the glove on . We talked a bit and then decided we wanted to have a sleepover … I believe the conversation went like this : Jen : Andrew , I wish you were a girl , so we can have sleepoversMe : please jen , like I haven 't had a girl sleep over beforeJen : I 'm not allowed to sleep over boys houses … Me : but how come you can sleep over jons ? Jen : because my mom knows I 'm fucking him * laughs * Me : so tell her you 're sleeping over Frans … or we can sleep at FransThen we drove over to Frans , without telling her we were sleeping over … * giggle * At Frans we wanted to stay up and talk and work on the webshow we want to start , but we played SinPosted by I had a really good day . I woke up , didn 't have a hangover , and then went to work . Work was dead , so I drew most of my shift . After work I went out with Sam . She 's never been to the Outback , so I took her there . While there we talked . Like really talked and my level of respect for her increased tremendously . Sam is one of those people that you can tell anything to , and you know she won 't judge you no matter what . And she 's one of those people that can tell you anything and you still have the same outlook on her . After Outback we went back to her house and played Life : twist and turn edition . That game is sooo awesome ! It 's all electronic so there is no money ; you have a visa card . I need that game . I really want to start having game nights . I think it would be really fun . Like twice a month everyone gets together and plays a board game . That would be really cool . Anyway , I want to start a web show . About what ? I don 't know , but I think it would be fun to just record myself and see what people think about it . Of course I wouldn 't be alone ; Fran and Jenny ( and whoever wants to help ) will be on it too . I think that Jen can record herself singing and then we can post it on youtube and then we 'll all get famous ^_^ That 's about it . Peace . Stop . . . drop . . . roll . . . pop bitch I 'm cold . . . . I Ain 't used to being told stop So I could never be your robot i am a few things : 1 ) drunk2 ) lonely3 ) horny ( but you didn 't need to know that ) 4 ) amazing5 ) sexy6 ) adorable7 ) adorqable8 ) crazy9 ) ready to play Singstar10 ) Drunk . 11 ) happy12 ) texting Angie13 ) Fraqn and Ryan are habing sex upstairs right now14 ) i 'm in the basement waiting for Bffl because we ; re going to play singstar15 ) going to regret posting this tomorrow morning . . . . . . . speaking of which ; I have work tomorrow from 12 - 5 . lalala . I miss having someone to cuddle with . i miss cuddles . blah . peace out . i have off . on a saturday . weird , huh ? i don 't know what to do with myself . i think i want to get another tattoo today , but i don 't want to spend money ( tehe ) . i really should go to the bank because i have a check i have to deposit , and the bank closes in 40 minutes , and if i don 't go today i have to wait til monday . . . eek . i should get dressed and go , but my bed is really comfortable . i 'm sitting in bed with Joanie ( my laptop ) , and we 're just chillin . i had a weird dream last night / this morning . i dreamed that i stole a car and was being chased my the police , and i drove the car into an adult shop to hide , and somehow they found me . . . then i made " friends " with them , and i went to a piercing place to get my penis pierced ( which is something i might do . . . one day , but it 's another one of those " i don 't know " things ) . then i drove to some one 's house and talked to them for a little then got kicked out because i was " unwelcome there " but my dad was there because he and his friend was hunting on their lawn . fucking crazy , huh ? anyway , Christmas was two days ago . i had fun , but i wished that i had something else to do . Christmas here is always the same , and it would have been nice not to be home , but at someone elses house . i got my laptop , and money , and new bed sheets , and cologne , and The house bunny dvd , and um . . . an awesome robot lamp from Fran , and a new sketchbook , and markers , and a few gift cards and such . Iiiight , i really should get to the bank * sulk * . peace out . so watch me strike a match on all my wasted timeas far as i 'm concernedyou 're just another picture to burn I cannot believe that it is Christmas eve . It does not feel like it at all . I 'm seriously like " wooah " Shopping is a therapy for me . Seriously . I always feel better after I spend money . Tonight , after work I went to target . I bought myself : - two Taylor swift Cds - a t shirt - two lamps - a small silver bedside lamp with a white shade ( that I might draw on ) - a tall , black stand up lamp with three heads . - bottled waters - a new feather pillow - orange sheets - blue sheets - a brown bed skirt - car air fresheners - face wash - deodorant - 100 calorie packs - cheetos - chex mix - gum - peach detox teaI think that 's it . I spent $ 200 and I felt really good . Sometimes I feel guilty for spending money , but not tonight . I felt really really happy . When I got home I cleaned my room , remade my bed ( with blue sheets ) and am going to use my new pillow tonight . I needed a change . My old sheets and pillows were … old , and boring , and dull . ^_^ I love me . Two things that I never thought I 'd do : Number one : become addicted to a video game . Melany went out and bought Singstar the other night . It 's a karaoke game for Playstation , and it 's fucking awesome . I mean AWESOME ! It 's so addicting . Mel , Fran and I stayed up for hours singing our hearts out and making it into a drinking game . Seven shots later Mel and I were on the floor . I never ever sung in front of either of them the way that that game makes me sing . My voice went horse from belting my favorite songs . The game is so addicting that Fran went out and bought another version of it yesterday . So Fran , Ryan and I played last night , and naturally , we made it into a drinking game again . Two nights in a row I toasted to losing a game to Fran , that fuck face magee . Number two : have a celebrity crush . Fran has Prince William , Jen has what 's his face ( spike from Buffy ) , my mom has Toby Keith , and I have Taylor swift . I thought she was cute when she first became popular , and I will admit that Teardrops on my Guitar was a little annoying when it came out , but listening to her more and more her voice makes me week in the knees . I 'm not a big fan of country music , but I 'd listen to it with her . Okay , okay , she dated a Jonas brother , but whatever . Don 't judge . Posted by I am so full . Not even normal full , but I ate too much , I can feel it in the back of my throat kind of full . I feel like a giant ball . I am not eating tomorrow . It is going to take a full 24 hours to digest all this food that is in me . I feel absolutely disgusting . It 's gross … Anyway , I went shopping with Jenny today ^_^ I love shopping with her because she never tells me not to buy something . Instead of " Andrew , you don 't need that " she says " Ooo … they 're on sale … buy both " . That is what I need to hear sometimes . Shopping for me is a medicine . It makes me feel good . It numbs everything . But unfortunately it doesn 't have a permanent affect ; once the medicine wears off you are ill again , and you need more . I wish I had an unlimited supply of money and I could just shop all the time . You can never buy too much ; that 's my philosophy . KB is closing . It 's sad , but I 'm kind of happy . I see it as a chance for all of us to move on . It feels like a graduation . A KB school graduation . I 've wanted to leave for a while , but I always found a reason to stay . The store just sucks you in . Fran and Brittany left . It seems like they were the only ones who can resist the bug light that is KB toys . Jen and I talked a little about it today ; we 're going to miss the people the most . The store itself is whatever . The customers can fuck themselves , but the people we met there we 'll miss . It 's going to be weird texting Karen or Dave … or LINDA just to hang out , and we can 't just hang out with them alone , we need to hang out all together . We 've become some weird family and it 's kind of like our parents are getting a divorce and we 're all being separated . I am happy though . I think by closing we 're all going to be doing something a lot better with our lives . Dave can finally get a teaching job , Linda might actually make Randy get a job , I will somehow find what I want to do in life , and Karen will have more time to herself . I think she needs it the most . She works way too hard , and it 's time for Posted by I think I 'm addicted to writing blogs since I have no life . It seems like all I do is work , then come home and write a blog . Well tonight Jen and I went to how may and then went to see Bolt ! That movie was fucking adorable . I remember seeing a preview for it a few months ago and not wanting to see it . I thought it looked really stupid … but I guess it 's the movies that you don 't have any expectations for are the best , huh ? Well … this movie was so cute ! ! ! ! I need to have it on dvd ! While in the theater , we watched a very slowly blinking screen with the words " up next : your feature presentation " for about a half an hour and sung along to the Christmas music that was playing … the best part of it was when Jen turns to me and says " What if I have a case of really slowly active epilepsy and I start having a seizure " ? I almost peed myself . It came out of nowhere and was the funniest thing I 've ever heard . That is all for now . Night . Look at my title . Have you ever had one of them ? I have . I hate them . They are a dream so good that when you wake up , and realize that they 're not real , you feel awful . I 've been getting them a lot , and they suck . Clouds filled with stars cover your skiesAnd I hope it rainsYou 're the perfect lullabyWhat kinda dream is this I 'm going to kill my hamster . She is pissing me off . All I hear is her trying to escape from her cage , and somehow she does it . There is even a lock on the damn thing , but Olive has to be a fucking ninja doesn 't she ? Annnywaaay … I should really be getting to bed ; it 's 1 : 03 in the morning , and I have to be up in like six hours . I 'm going to drive Frannycakes back to ye ol Hofstra , then I gots me some work at 10 . This new kid , Dennis stabbed himself with Jens epi pen and had to go to the hospital … so I 'm starting an hour earlier tomorrow to pick up the slack of tonight . Oh new kids . There is noone * that * attractive on okcupid . It must be so much easier being a girl on that site … I bet every ( slutty ) girl on there had tons of messages each day … because men are pigs , and will message anything with tits . Sigh . I have Miley cyrus 's new song stuck in my head . I hate liking bad songs , it just irritates me . * shakes head * I ' ma gonna go read now . Peace . Don 't you wish that you could be a fly on the wall ? A creepy little sneaky little fly on the wall ? All my precious secrets , yeah , you 'd know them allDon 't you wish that you could be a fly on the wall ? So Okcupid is addicting . Fuck you , Fran , and your ability to start trends . I keep reloading my page just to see who 's stalking me or sending me messages or who submitted a new test and what not . I 'm not really on there to find someone or anything , but it is fun to see how many people look at your profile and shit . Right now I 'm in the middle of a message conversation with some girl from Lake Grove about the Twilight series . I know , right ? Anyway , she seems cool , but she is in no way my dating material . Fo realz . I don 't want to sound mean , but I have standards . Anyways … all I do is work . Work . Work . Work . Work . Work . I went to the bagel store for Linda and Erin today ( because they wanted hot chocolate and I had no problem leaving work to stand on line for them ) . On the way I passed Payless . I walked in and said hi to this girl Janelle ( who actually has an okcupid account … and is pretty cute … and knows my friend Rebecca [ whom I hung out with the other night and it was super fun … more to come later ] ^_^ ) and she said " Andrew , don 't you have a life " ? to which I answered " no " and " anything to get out of that store . I seriously don 't like the new kids " we talked for a little then I actually went to the bagel store . Like I said earlier : I hung out with Rebecca the other night . It was super fun . I had work till 7 : 30 so I just drove over to her house after . We just talked and watched Old school and But I 'm a cheerleader and laughed and stuff . We made pizza and ate brownies out of the pan with forks . It was really nice to see her . I seriously think it was a year since we last hung out , but it felt like we hang out all the time . There are just some friends that you don 't need to see all the time to feel like you do , and Rebecca is one of those friends . I 've known her for like fourteen years and it never gets boring when we chill ( regardless it 's like twice a year , but still ) . HOLY FUCK ! How could I let this stay in for so long ? I got tickets to the CIRCUS ( brought to you by Britney Spears ) Andrew . I love showering . I love washing myself and feeling clean . I love stepping out of the tub and drying myself off and feeling the coolness of the post shower hit my skin . I love running a towel through my hair and watching it curl . I hate the way it dries most of the time , but u like it wet . I love going to bed after a shower even more . Especially if you have new sheets ! I love the way the cotton feels against my bare skin . It 's like … I don 't know … awesome . I hate feeling clean and shiny and walking into a dirty room though . My room isn 't dirty , but it needs to be vacuumed pretty badly , and our vacuum is a piece of shit and doesn 't pick up anything at the moment . I also love texting . I love feeling my phone vibrate in my pocket because I know that someone is talking to me . I love my ipod , and family guy , and ugly betty . I love a lot of things right now . And grape soda . I love grape soda with pizza ( which is what I had for dinner tonight ) . I have a lot of love to give away . CUDDLES ! I love cuddles and I want to cuddle right now ! ! RIGHT NOW DAMNIT ! ! Tehe . I 'm going to go read now . Peace . I feel the adrenaline moving through my veins Spotlight on me and i 'm ready to break I 'm like a performer , the dancefloor is my stage Better be ready , hope that ya feel the same Posted by Listen , I 'm not going to sugarcoat this , so deal , k ? I 've been in a rut for almost three weeks now , and I 'm sick of it . I just want to be myself again . I 've been trying to occupy myself and not let myself be home or anywhere alone . I 'm trying really hard to keep myself from thinking . Thank god it is the Christmas season or I wouldn 't be working so much . Work is the only place I can be 100 % distracted , and I don 't want to leave it . I hate when my shift 's over ( and I 've been working non stop 10 + hour shifts ) . I hate going home because when I 'm here I know I can think ; I know I can go over things in my mind that I don 't want to go over but I do anyway . I 'm not going to lie , I 'm hurt . Really hurt . There is still a hole inside of me that I don 't know if it 'll be fixed anytime soon . I know that she 'll read this , but I don 't care right now . I loved Brittany , and I know she loved me too , and yes , it sucks that we broke up , but if it wasn 't going to work out why should we stay ? The thing that gets me the worst is that we 're supposed to be friends . Friends . Something that I want to be with her . I hate not talking to her , I hate not seeing her . I hate not getting responds to texts I sent her ( but hey , she doesn 't respond to anyone ) , and I hate not knowing anything that 's happening . Now I know how Jen and Fran feel ; they lived their friendship with her through me . They 'd ask me how she was doing because they didn 't talk to her for weeks at a time . If Brittany wants to just be friends with me I 'm going to deal with that . I would rather have her just as a friend than not have her at all . I 'm slowly getting over everything , but the lack of not hearing from her isn 't helping . Out of sight out of mind , right ? Well … healing with no sight sucks because eventually we 'll forget about each other and not care about each other . I 've been trying really hard to see her but I 'm being ignored . I don 't want pity or anything , and I know I shouldn 't be posting this , but I don 't waPosted by So … today is thanksgiving . What did I do ? Well … I woke up at 11 : 30 or so because my family was sitting around and talking ( very loudly ) while they watched the Macy 's day parade . So , I got up , ate some bacon and watched the last half hour of the parade . After that I went online for a while then got dressed . I must say , I looked fucking adorable today . I sent out a mass text wishing everyone a happy thanksgiving and headed towards my nanny 's house . We got to my nanny 's house and greeted everyone . When my Aunt dawn and uncle Mike came over I ran to 7 - 11 to pick up Smirnoffs ( because all we had was beer and a bottle of jack ) . I drank yummy smirnoffs ( because I 'm a real man ) and ate yummy turkey . What did I do after that ? Well , like any other male specimen I sat on the couch and fell asleep . Nice , huh ? When I woke up ( not by choice ; my brother was playing drums annoyingly loud ) I sat in the kitchen and doodled a little . My poppy sat down next to me and had a talk about … stuff * grin * . He 's such a funny guy ; he told me not to be " Chingaga " about it ( * shrugs * I don 't know what it means either ) . It was nice to actually laugh . I had no clue what he was talking about , but it put a smile on my face . So , now I 'm home and writing this . I guess I had a good night , but I wish I celebrated with more people * grimace * . I must go now . I have work in … three hours . Wish me luck . Peace . Now put your hands upUp in the club , we just broke upI 'm doing my own little thingDecided to dip but now you wanna tripCuz another brother noticed me I 'm so blank . I have nothing to do . I haven 't drawn lately . I finished my book . I 've been living at work for the past week . It 's winter so I 'll be there all the time , which I guess helps , but I 'm getting sick of looking at the same things . I 'm tired of being broke because I want to just go out . I want to get in my car and just leave . I can 't ! next week when I get paid I can 't just leave ; it 's black Friday . I 'm working a twelve hour shift that day ( and probably that Wednesday and Friday as well ) . I feel very empty . I 've been trying to occupy myself , but nothing is working . I 've been trying to watch the sex and the city movie , but I can never just sit down in the living room and watch it , and I can 't watch it in my room because my dvd player is retarded . My room is a mess ( the worst it 's ever been in a while ) , I haven 't thought about anything to wear , my hair has seen better days , I haven 't worn contacts in the past five days , my bed is unmade , I 've been forgetting things . I 'm sick of it . Why the fuck can 't I just get over it and go on with my life ? Because I don 't want to . Maybe I like feeling like this . Maybe I think I deserve to feel empty and lonely . Maybe I like sulking because I want attention or affection ( but I shake them off when I 'm given it ) . I just want to be held . I want someone to hug me and tell me it 'll be okay . I want someone to kiss my cheek and put their fingers through my hair and lay with me until I stop being such an ass hole . I 'm a happy person , but I just can 't feel happy right now . I thought I was a fool for no - one Oh baby I 'm a fool for you You 're the queen of the superficial And how long before you tell the truth Posted by These are the lyrics to that really stupid song that i wrote a while ago and didn 't let anyone see . i figured it wouldn 't matter is everyone saw them now . . . whatever . it 's done in the G chord , btw . Woke up this morning got out of bedThe ghosts of my dreams dance in my headI pour me some coffee or a good glass of wineI say to myself " self today will be fine " I look in the mirror and what do I seeA thousand white lies staring back at meBoy you can do this man you 'll be fineQuit being foolish straighten your spineDance to your music sing to your songMaking this happen is taking too longI want it to finish unravel it selfJust another hobby to sit on my shelfI want it so simple I want it so toughWord can 't describe that you 're more than enoughStop being stupid boy make up your mindPut it on paper you 're wasting my timeSometimes I wonder is this right to doFights crash like thunder but somehow we come thruIt 's noiseless I can confess what I 'm about to doEvery kiss I give is a silent love youIt 's not easy putting it into wordsI try but It seems like it 's all gone unheardLet me show you exactly how I feelLet me prove that this eternal flame is realDance to your music sing to your songMaking this happen is taking too longI want it to finish unravel it selfJust another hobby to sit on my shelfI want it so simple I want it so toughWord can 't describe that you 're more than enoughStop being stupid boy make up your mindPut it on paper you 're wasting my timeI 'm trying and searching for something I can 't sayI 'm worried I 'll lose you in the worst possible wayI 'm growing into something I 've never beenThank you for bringing out the man that was withinDance to your music sing to your songMaking this happen is taking too longI want it to finish unravel it selfJust another hobby to sit on my shelfI want it so simple I want it so toughWord can 't describe that you 're more than enoughStop being stupid boy make up your mindPut it on paper you 're wasting my timePut it on paper you 're wasting my tiPosted by What can I say ? I 'm depressed . I feel like I should cry , but I 'm not . There is something inside of me that is holding me together and telling me that it will all be okay , all we need is a few days to clear the water . I don 't think what has happened should have , and I don 't think we meant it to ; it was just words being said that shouldn 't have . Everyone can see that it wasn 't supposed to happen … not yet anyway . I forgot my name I forgot my telephone number If he wanna see me He don 't even know it I forgot my address Damsel in distress I 'm in a horrible mood . And I can 't tell you why . Well , I can , but I 'm not going to . All I will say is that I 'm very sick of never feeling like I 'm special . With everything , and it 's gotten to the point where third , fourth , fifth parties see this as well . I 'm sick of worrying . I 'm sick of crying when I shouldn 't . I 'm sick of never feeling loved enough . I always feel like I 'm second best , and it 's really hurting me now . I am supposed to get a laptop for Christmas . I also am supposed to pay my car insurance every month . I asked my dad if instead of the laptop , would he be able to pay my car insurance for the rest of the year because I never have money on me ( and it kills me ) . I want to do Christmas shopping , I want to pay off my credit card , I want to fucking take my girlfriend out for dinner and buy her things . He told me he would pay my car insurance and that I didn 't have to worry about Christmas . I guess I 'm still getting the laptop ? I really don 't even want it anymore . I 'm sick of being a bad son . I 'm sick of always feeling like I disappoint everyone , when really I 'm the one who 's hurt , and I have no clue how to fix it without getting more hurt . I cried . I hugged my dad for the first time in … a year and I cried on his shoulder . I 'm crying now . Jen wrote a blog a few weeks ago saying that she wished she could go back to sleep where is doesn 't hurt as much . Today I found out , first hand how that feels . I woke up and from the minute my eyes opened my heart hurt . I wanted to go back to sleep . I wanted to be happy like I was in my dream . I wanted to roll over and curl up next to Brittany and fucking feel safe and loved and wanted , but I couldn 't because she wasn 't next to me like she should have been . Fran is the only person I can / did talk to . She 's the only one who can make me feel better , not even Brittany at this point . She won 't understand . I just wanted my weekend . The only time I have off all weekend and I 'm home , alone , crying because I 'm too much of a pussPosted by I cried on the way home today . I cried because my mind was overflowing with too many thoughts . I drove away and thought about my life ; who I am ; how people treat me ; how others act around me . I thought about my dad , actually . For the first time ever I sympathized with my dad . He and I never had a good relationship , but I think that it 's gotten a little bit better the past year or so , but tonight I told my self that he isn 't a bad guy . My father works two full time jobs to support my family and I don 't blame him for coming home grumpy all the time . It just dawned on me that he works 80 + hours a week , and only runs on 3 - 5 hours of sleep a night . Sometimes no sleep at all . I don 't blame him for coming home and wanting to kiss my mom and have dinner and just relax . But no , he can 't ; something is always going on in my house . I use to think that he was being stupid when he 'd come home and yell because the house was " a mess " , or when we had friends over , or when my mom didn 't say hello to him or kiss him when he walked through the door . Within the past year I fell in love and I know for a fact that if I worked two jobs and was sleep deprived that the only thing that I looked forward to was coming home to Brittany and kissing her and spending my nights off with her , and I want to ; I want to spend every night off with her . I want to come home to her after work and let any stress melt away as soon as my lips touch hers . My dad doesn 't get that ; he sometimes doesn 't even get a " hi " from my mom . And it 's really sad . I always thought that when my parents fought , it was always my dad 's fault because he was ' mean ' and ' didn 't treat mom right ' but it 's sad to say that it 's the opposite . My mom can be very mean . I don 't want to say it , but she can be a bitch when she wants to . You attach yourself to someone and want to give them everything and want to make them happy and will do anything to make that other person happy . My dad does that for us . I know that I 'm wrong when I spend too Posted by This week has been nothing but perfect . I 'm going to give you a quick warning and going to tell you that the following blog is chock full of gay . ; ) So , anyway , this week has been perfect . Let me start with Thursday , when this all started : Thursday : Thursday started like any other day , but I was in much anticipation for that night ; Brittany 's whole family went away to South Carolina for nine or ten days , and I was told , by Mrs . Palma , to stay with her all week because she didn 't want her coming home to an empty house . Brittany and I planned on this anyway , but it was cool to have her mom 's approval . So Thursday I went to school , like I usually do , no wait - I didn 't have school Thursday ; it was some Jewish holiday . . . and I didn 't have work either . That 's right ! I slept til noon then hung out with Christina . I made her Halloween costume for her and we went to Joanne for some fabric . That was fun , but the entire day all I kept saying was " I can 't wait for tonight ! " . after Christina left I packed some stuff ( that I didn 't pack the previous days ) and waited impatiently for Brittany to get home . For the past two weeks I 've been waiting for her outside her house . I bring my book with me and just sit in my car until she arrives . Thursday night , however , I was staying over . I only slept over her house once so it was all new to me to be staying over her house , rather than her sleeping at my place . Anyway , I got there , and she beat me home , which was a first . I did stop and got coffee , but I still should have bet her here . Whatever . That night all we really did was say hi , and then went to bed . Friday : I woke up next to Brittany , which is always nice . There is something about waking up next to someone you love that makes you feel that nothing else in the world matters . We both work up at noon , so we rushed to get ready . Brittany usually leaves her house around 1 : 20 , and I had work at 1 : 30 . We got dressed , ate breakfast and left . I went to work , big deal , and then went to Melany 's house . Jenny crashed and Posted by Okay , so I 've become a little obsessed with the Twilight series , kill me . I seriously want to be a vampire , like fo real real . Like any other fan girl I 've been researching the series and fanart and stuff online . I just came across a website with pictures of the release party from Breaking Dawn , the fourth book in the series , and the pictures were creepy . There were millions of girls in wedding dresses , and yellow porches , and guys trying to look hot , and ' Team Edward ' shirts , etc … I rolled my eyes and called them stupid . Then I realized ' Hey , I 'm one of them ' : I dressed up for the release party for the last Harry Potter movie / book , and now I want to be a vampire . I 'm no better than them . Sigh . Life has come to this . In other stuff , I borrowed Wondershowzen from Brittany ( well , technically Devon … thanks dev ) and I watched the first disc with my brothers tonight . Hehehe . That show is awesome on so many levels . Oooo it 's one in the morning . Must go to Brittany 's now . Yeah , we have the house to ourselves all week ; ) be jealous . i want twizzlers . I 'm just looking for the easy way outBut I 'm stuck in the cloudsAnd it 's pouring in hereDon 't say that I 'm doubting them nowI 'm just looking for ways for this not to go southOoooh , I 'm nowhere near . I 'm a jealous person , I can admit it , but I 'd never thought I 'd be jealous of my friends . Ever . I got paid today , a whopping $ 316 . What did I do with that money ? I gave $ 100 to my dad for my car insurance , $ 60 to my mom , because I owed it to her , and then I went to wal - mart . I bought hair dye ( $ 6 ) , hamster food ( $ 5 ) , bottled water , makeup for Halloween , and pencils . I then went to the book store and bought Melany a birthday present , leaving me with a total of $ 65 to last me two weeks . ( I also filled up my gas tank ) . I have off this weekend , and Brittany 's family is going away to visit Devon at school . I wanted to plan this really romantic weekend for the two of us ( maybe a museum , or just dinner and a movie ) but I can 't because I 'm fucking broke . I 'm always broke , even when I don 't buy myself things . I 'm so sick of never having money . I 'm sick of never being able to buy Brittany things , or take her out ( I mean I do when I can , but I want to do it more often ) . Honestly , I 'm mostly jealous of her . She 's a cop , and I know that she works her ass off , but I 'm envious of her paychecks . What I made in two weeks , she made in overtime . That 's sick . I feel like a child . I feel like I go to KB ( as a hang out spot ) and then I get an allowance every two weeks . KB isn 't the most stressful place to work , but I work more than most of the other people there . I 'm next to be an assistant manager , I guess you can call me the lead associate ? I 've been working there for three years , and I don 't even make $ 8 an hour . That 's retarded . Melany just got her old job back at the photo department in CVS , and she 's starting at $ 9 , and in three months she gets a raise . Regardless , it was a pay cut for her compared to Hawkeye , but still , $ 9 an hour to start ? I 'm so jealous . I wish I was making that . I wish I was making $ 8 an hour . I need to leave KB , I need to find a better job , where I will be working the same amount of hours , but double the pay . I 'm sick of people I know who do nothing , and they havePosted by I started the Twilight series , and they 're fucking amazing . I can 't even describe it . Christina was the first person I know to read them . I was all " oh cool , yeah , they sound interesting " then Melany got into them , the Mel got Jen into them , then I had to read them . If Jen says it 's good , it 's good . Within the first three chapters I was hooked . I felt the words going through my veins , making me want , need more . I forced myself to read it in three days . It would have been two , but I fell asleep one night . Fucking tiredness . -_ - anyway , I looooove the series so much , so far . One thing though ( caution ! Spoiler ) [ In book two , Edward breaks up with Belle ] After reading that one part , that one page , like four sentences , I wanted to cry . I felt Bella 's pain ; I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest and trampled over by a million fat women in tube tops . I sat in the backroom of KB toys , and sulked . I continued to sulk throughout the rest of the night until I started reading it again … The only downfall of this book is one thing : it makes me miss my fucking girlfriend like woah ! * snicker * every time Bella and Edward are together my heart bursts with giddy gayness and I want to grab Brittany and dance . I . Am . Such . A . girl . Seriously , I 'm a full grown male , reading a teenage love story and instead of blowing it off to watch a football game , I 'm cuddled under my sheets , with a Jesus mug of hot chocolate , giggling and squirming around , wishing I had a cuddle buddy . I miss Brittany soo much , it 's not funny . Sunday was too long ago . Even though I see her Saturday , I want her now . Jen and I were walking in the hall after our Harry Potter class , and she got a text from Jon saying " I just wanted to tell you I love you " of something like that . Jen cooed , smiled and said " Best boyfriend award " with a giggle . I was silver and green with envy at her , because I can 't talk to Brittany throughout the day , I can 't just randomly text her with an " I love you " and have her respond . No , I can senAndrew . I just wasted an hour and a half of my time doing surveys on myspace . I 'm redonk , I know but there was nothing else to do . Almost every single survey had " what would you eat right now " and I kept saying nothing , then what do I do ? I make mashed potatoes . I 'm such a butter beast ^_________^ BUTTER BEAST ! I miss being called that . I was thinking about this today : this time last year I was in my first semester at college , and Brittany , Jen and I got really close . This time last year We started writing The Store at my house almost every night . This time last year we bought each other Starbucks every meeting , or we 'd just go late at night to the 24 hour one and sit in the car and talk , or go stalking . This time last year we WENT STALKING ! ! ! Yeah ! This time last year Brittany was still working at KB and we tried on all the Halloween costumes one night when we were dead . We didn 't do anything when we worked with each other . This time last year we were hiring seasonals , getting ready for black Friday . This time last year I was throwing up on Fran 's rug because I drank too much . This time last year Fran and Jen made fun of Brittany and me and swore we liked each other . This time last year I kissed Brittany 's neck and told her she was mine . This time last year I only drew in charcoal . This time last year I was eighteen . This time last year I was a red head , I had ' hazel ' eyes , I was a seasonal manager . It 's weird how fast time flies by . I can 't believe it 's been almost a year since Brittany and I started dating . Weird . This was kind of pointless , but whatever . Hey there sugar babySaw you twice at the pop showYou taste just like glitterMixed with rock and roll . I am losing my mind right now . I can 't sit still , I can 't eat . I am not a very happy boy . I keep pacing around my house trying to distract myself but it isn 't working . My head is going to explode . Express yourself , dont repress yourselfExpress yourself , dont repress yourselfExpress yourself , dont repress yourselfExpress yourself , dont repress yourself I 'm having serious Brittany withdrawal ! It 's literally killing me not seeing her and I haaaaate it ! I 've been checking my phone nonstop for the past two days waiting for a text message . Call me crazy , but I miss her like woah . It 's raining out . Yay ! Today at work Linda kept hinting that if we do get this huge storm that we 're supposed to get tomorrow I might get called out from work . I really hope this happens , but I really doubt it will . You know weather people , always predicting the wrong things . All weather people should have the last name Trelwaney , right ? What else is knew in my life ? Nothing . Today I worked a 12 - 9 : 30 shift because Erin went home early because she didn 't feel well , so I came in 2 hours early . Sigh . I would really really love for a 5 ' blonde cop would text me right now and tell me she loves me . I really need to hear / read it . I hate being the girl in the relationship , why do I always over think everything ? Shout when you wanna get off the ride ' Cause you crossed my mind , you crossed my mindMade my blood thump 7 - 8 - 9Make my heart beat double time Ugh . What to write ? I have like three blogs written out in a notebook but I don 't want to type them out . I think I 'll just ramble on about shit until my fingers are sick of typing ( which will be soon ) . School started again . I really like this semester so far . My harry potter class is awesome ! ! ! Besides it being a harry potter class , jenny is in it with me , which makes it even better . Someone who I can argue with and laugh about it with later . The first class was the sorting ritual . I was super excited about it because I was trying to slytherin my answers up a bit , so I can join Jen in the green and silver group . But I had to open my fucking mouth and be knowledgeable , and get stuck in Ravenclaw . The question I answered wasn 't even my question , it was a class question and I just happened to shoot my hand up and say the answer , like a typical Ravenclaw . We had our first model in my life drawing class yesterday . Our model , Dennis , is an older , dirty , man with a midget arm for a penis , and a few missing teeth . The class was an hour and forty - five minutes of drawing Dennis . It was fun , and the time went by pretty quickly . What else to write ? ? My fingers keep hitting the wrong keys , and adding new letters into the word , making my page fill up with those annoying red squiggly lines . I 'm trying to talk to Brittany right now , but it 's taking her forever to respond back to me because " nuttin " takes forever to do apparently . * eyes droop * I 'm getting sleepy , it is about 3 : 20 in the morning . I should probably go to bed soon but I feel like there is more that I want to say . I think there are a bunch of things that want to burst out of my fingers and onto this page , but I can 't think of any right now . I 'm sorry this was such a boring post . Forgive me father for I have sinned . Posted by It 's been a while sine I wrote a blog , and you know what ? I don 't feel like writing one right now . So you all will have to wait . Muahahahahahah ! Sucka . Yeah , that 's right - it 's sneaker night . Hmm … I 'm going to try to write something less depressing than my last few blogs . Today I went to the park . It was really really nice to walk the track again . I could only do four laps though because global warming was making me sweat . I , being the insecure ass I am , wore two shirts to the track and was drenched in sweat by the time I was on my second lap . If I were to walk into a strip club , I would have won the wet t - shirt contest with no doubt . What else is new ? Well , after the park I came home , showered , and fell asleep . While I was asleep I had an awful dream . I woke up ready to kill a bitch . Even though it was a bad dream , I was glad I had it . It made me really happy that I woke up so mad . I don 't know , it kind of made me feel more manly in a way … weird . Speaking of being manly , I was very unmanly tonight . Fran text me , waking me up from the dream , and she asked if I wanted to hang out . She came over , and we went to blockbuster . We rented 27 dresses . I 've been wanting to see it , but I was going to wait for it to go on tv or order it online or something . I didn 't have much faith in it … but man was I wrong . I have no clue if Fran liked it , nor do I care , but I loved it . I am seriously the gayest straight man I know . I felt so bad for Jane ( the main character ) , then I was so happy for her . I was starting to yell at the screen at some points . I squirmed in my seat out of happiness at one point . I laughed , didn 't cry , and I wanted to drive over to Brittany 's house and kiss her when the movie was over . I must own this movie now … hint hint . Anyone wanna surprise me with it ? Heheh … I 'm so gay . I guess that 's all . Peace . There is an empty flower pot inside my chest , under the hair , under the skin , the muscle , bone , waiting to bloom , and no matter what I do it can 't . I can sometimes feel it start to bud , but nothing . It 's empty . No soil , no water , no sunlight . I need there to be flowers , bushes , weeds even ( I like them ) . It is the saddest thing I have ever felt . I can 't even feel my heart beat anymore , it 's like there is nothing there . I think that if I were to cut my chest open I could have a party in the empty space . No blood , no organs , just a blank canvas of muscle and skin , waiting to be painted . My body is sick of staring at these white walls . I 'm so empty that I can 't even draw properly . I left my sketch book in the backseat of my car for about a week , and I didn 't even care . I don 't want this feeling anymore . I feel blank , empty , and incomplete . I don 't know why … well , I might but I don 't want that to be the reason . I feel … like I 'm second best . In everything . I feel like I 'm just there , whatever , it 's only Andrew , who cares about him ? I feel myself getting hurt . I feel myself working , trying to get passed this , but I can 't . Every touch feels meaningless , every hug is empty . I feel myself getting dragged out to sea , to be lost , floating in water for the rest of my life . I don 't even care about school anymore . The bank that we used last year for my loan no longer does loans , so now we need to find another , and if we can 't I really don 't care . I don 't care if I go back . I want to just go away . I want to move away , far away , from everybody , and just lay in an all white room , in a big fluffy bed , under a white down comforter , with Brittany as dawn slowly hits us , and there 's nothing we can do but waste the day away . I can 't do that though , I only see her once a week , and it 's tearing me apart . I was so use to waking up , and hanging out , texting all day , thinking nothing of staying in and watching endless movies because tomorrow we can do the same exact thing . I feel so hollow , like a Posted by Do you know what I love ? I love driving down Woodside ave , behind a car and Ooo that car in front of me is turning down the same street I am . And then OOOOoo ! ! He 's turning down that street too , and the next one , and fuck , son , he 's turning down my block . I love that feeling where even though I 'm not , but I feel like a stalker because the person in front of me is going in the same direction I am … and they kind of speed up because in my mind I think that they 're shitting themselves because they think I 'm following them , going to follow them home , park my car across the street , and murder them when they get out of their car … muahahahahahaha ! I 'm funny . And tired . Shit , I 'm tired , and I don 't know why . All I 've been doing is sleeping . I got this rash and all I want to do is sleep , it 's sick . Today , all I did was sit around my house until 8 and did nothing . Wanna know what else I love ? Sam 's club . The other day I went there for the first time in like two years and I basically peed myself around each corner . Croissants ? Boom ! Pee . Meat ? boom ! Piss . Books ? Boom ! URIN ! I was like daaaaaaaaaaaamn … hmm … I don 't know what I 'm saying . Good night . That whip don 't make you a big man That chain don 't make you a big man I know you think you 're a big man But really you 're just a waste , man I love Amy Winehouse . She 's so , I don 't know … soulful . I 'm all like " sing it sista " when she comes on my computer . Hmm … it 's been a while since I wrote in here , huh ? Let 's see , what 's new with me ? ? ? Well , I cut my hair . I was bored one night and decided that I needed a trim so I went into my bathroom , wet my hair , and started cutting . I ended up trimming it , then cutting it again . I now have a much outgrown mohawkish haircut . Do I like it ? I fucking love it . I 've never liked me with short hair , but for some reason I like the way this came out . Why ? Maybe because I did it ? I don 't know . I 've been thinking about going back and taking hair classes . Maybe I am " missing my calling " . I cut my moms bangs today and fixed the angles in the front of her face , and she loves them . The thing is I know I 'm good at it , especially for being self taught , but I don 't know if I want that to be my carrier . Is that a real job ? I guess it is , but it pays shit unless you 're like really , really fucking well at it and become famous . Can you imagine a line of women paying over $ 250 for a haircut by me ? That would be awesome . I don 't know . I 'm pretty much done with school . I mean , I like it and want to go back , but I want to just do it because I want to go , not because I need to , you know ? Anyway … I want to move out of my house . I really want to be living in a studio apartment in the city right now . I want to wake up and look out my window and have an awesome view of the city , crowded , loud , and never really boring . Brittany and I had this discussion last night on how we would decorate our apartment or house . The funny thing is I never thought that we 'd disagree on anything ; I figured that it 'd be a mishmash of both of us , but we had two very different opinions on how it should be furnished : she wants a Christmas tree that is exploded with an assortment of different ornaments collected over the years , colored lights , ext … me , I want white lights , white ornaments , very fancy . I bet she wants a stPosted by * don 't hold any of this against me . please . Honesty : I don 't know what 's wrong with me . I 've turned into this big emotional ball of mess … Today I had a fight with my mom . A really big one about something really stupid . All I ask for from my family is for them not to go in my room , but none of them listen . Today I had it . I came home from work and started yelling at my mom because her sunglasses were in my room . I know I shouldn 't feel bad about it , but I do . I feel like I 'm a disappointment . Not just with my family though . Everywhere I go I feel like I 'm the one everyone looks down on . At home I feel like I 'm left out from everything . I feel like no matter what I say it isn 't important . I feel like no matter how hard I try no one accepts me . With friends I feel like I 'm stupid . Sometimes I feel like I 'm just the third , fourth , fifth wheel of the group . I feel like I say things that are just there for comical relief , just things that everyone can laugh at because that 's what I 'm there for . Let me get started : The other night I went over to Fran 's house to celebrate my birthday . I was really looking forward to it . We did it for Fran 's birthday , and for Brittany 's birthday . It was my turn and I was really pumped for it . The entire day at work I kept talking about it . I was really excited because it was my day . One day where I am the center of attention , one day where everyone has to be nice to me . I know it 's really childish but I can 't help it . So we get to Fran 's house but Jen can 't drink yet because she had to pick up her brother from work . Understandable . So we waited for her to get back . For starters , I said something really stupid and really disrespectful which brought my mood down because I couldn 't believe I said it . I was really mad at myself . While Jen was gone Melany , Brittany and I played Sonic on the play station two . Melany went , and then died . Then I went . Of course Brittany was picking on me because that 's how she shows affection , and I know that , but that nighPosted by Last night was another Palma party except this time instead of a few Palmas sitting in a back yard , sharing a bottle of wine ; it was a few more Palmas , on a dance floor , drunk . Alyssa Palma turned 16 yesterday and I had the pleasure of crashing her birthday party . The day started with Brittany and me going shopping for clothes to wear to the sweet 16 . I woke up around noon , took a shower , got dressed , and picked Brittany up . The first stop was Khols , but there was nothing there . Next was Mandee 's , but again nothing . I decided to take a trip to the mall since we were in ' the same area ' and hopefully find something in there . Brittany and I park , look in Macy 's , nothing . We then look in H & M , and the one dress Brittany did like was a little too casual for a sweet 16 . By this time Brittany was getting mad , so I got a pretzel , a slushie , and told her we 're trying one more store . An hour and a half and a numb arm later , Brittany was in XXI trying on eight different dresses . The one dress we both really liked was a cream baby doll dress , that buttoned to the neck , had a little poof sleeve , and sat just above her knees . It was fucking adorable . The only problem was it was completely shear . Brittany called me over to the dressing room , opened her curtain and said " Guess what color underwear I 'm wearing " . I then got yelled at for being in the dressing room because no one with a penis is allowed in , which is stupid because what if I had something to try on ? That wouldn 't be fair to not let me try something on because XXI doesn 't have a guy 's dressing room … . Anyway , it 's now 4 : 30 and I drop Brittany home . I get back to my house , get dressed and head back out the door . For all of you who don 't know , I bought a vest for this party two weeks ago . I gave myself a 15lb limit to lose . I , for some reason , could not do it . I decided not to wear the vest , but go with a black long sleeve hidden button shirt , black pin striped pants , black pointed toe shoes , and a hot pink tie . I looked fucking smashing . I get tPosted by |
When I was pregnant , I loved reading birth stories and couldn 't get enough of them . It was great to hear detailed , first hand experiences of other moms out there . They really helped me gain a better understanding of the reality of labor and delivery . I decided that once my baby arrived I would be sure to share my story too . I originally intended to post this as the first blog entry but at the time I was unsure about the best way to share it , and I 'm actually glad I waited a while because I 've gained so much perspective since then . The birth of my baby girl did not go as planned at all and I was a bit disillusioned by the whole experience at first , focusing on everything that went wrong . Since then a few other people I know personally either as a friend or friend of a friend , have experienced similar complications as I did , and unfortunately for two of them this ended up in a pregnancy loss or stillbirth . It was a big wake up call for me , and made me realize how truly blessed we are to have our healthy little baby despite all that went wrong . Although I tried my best to summarize it , I didn 't want to leave out too many details so it ended up being quite a long birth story and this is only part 1 ! ! I decided to break it up into chapters for easy reference : I guess the best place to start would be my due date which was Sunday April 15th . I always knew the due date was just a rough estimate so I tried not to be too hopeful , but as the date approached I honestly couldn 't help wondering if the baby would come right on time . She didn 't . My due date came and passed and nothing happened . I consoled myself with the fact that my due date was actually a day off since it was a leap year and there was one additional day on the calendar . My husband and I went to the mall , specifically so I could get a lot of walking done ; walking supposedly helps to induce labor . I walked up and down the entire mall to no avail . I went to bed that night hoping I might go into labor before morning , but again nothing happened . Monday morning rolled around and I dragged myself in to work . I sat at my desk all day rubbing my belly and every tiny twinge or cramp would get me excited . My male coworkers kept nervously asking me about it , as though I secretly knew the exact moment I would go into labor and was purposely withholding that information . The same thing happened on tuesday and then wednesday ; lots of anxious excitement but no action ! Every time I woke up at night to use the bathroom my husband would jump out of bed and ask " is the baby coming ? " and each time I would flash him the look of death because I had already told him several times that I would definitely let him know if I was in labor ! ! By the time Thursday finally rolled around I felt as though I had been due forever . I had a routine doctors appointment that day , and I was glad to go see the doctor and check up on the baby . I was 40weeks and 4 days pregnant by this time . Thursday I woke up and thought it would be another uneventful day . I had no idea what lay ahead of me ; I firmly believe that God placed everything neatly in place to ensure the events unfolded with precise timing for my baby to be born healthy . I went into work as usual to the shock and horror of my colleagues . Around 2pm I left for my doctors appointment . I usually go for my appointments around 4pm or later , but this particular day they insisted I come in earlier . I didn 't think much of it at the time . Just as I was leaving the office my husband called and said he wanted to come with me , this surprised me because he usually works till around 6pm . I told him it was just a routine checkup so I could go by myself . Much to my annoyance he insisted he wanted to be there , I grumbled a little because we didn 't want to go in two seperate cars so that meant I had to go get him , which might make me a little late . . . . The appointment with my OB seemed to go well at first . Everything seemed fine , she checked my cervix and it was still closed but effaced , so I was a bit happier that there was a teeny bit of progress . We went over my birth plan and she confirmed that I didn 't want to be induced and would wait til I was at least 41 weeks + to discuss anything further . She checked my blood pressure and it was a bit higher than usual , but I wasn 't too worried because I 've had high pressure readings throughout my pregnancy . She waited a while and checked the pressure again and it was still quite high , again I wasn 't worried , I was convinced it was because I was so anxious about when I would go into labor . She measured my belly and thought it seemed smaller than last time , but said it could be because the baby had dropped lower . She suggested we do an ultrasound just to make sure everything was okay . I rolled my eyes thinking she was being overly cautious as usual . I was starving by this time because I didn 't really have lunch at work , I had planned to eat after the appointment . I even had a pair of delicious donuts waiting for me in the car . All I wanted to do as this point was go home and stuff my face with as much food as possible . But my doctor had other plans . She asked me to go next door for an ultrasound , but her ultrasound tech had already left . I suggested I could do the ultrasound the next week when I had my next check - up but she insisted we get it done sooner just to clear our minds . She asked if I was available early the next day but I had work the next day so I said I would have to check my schedule and call back . She then looked at the time and said since it wasn 't 5pm yet I could go to the hospital across the street for the ultrasound , they have better equipment in their perinatal department anyway . I thought to myself is this woman kidding me ? , Is she really going to make me go to the hospital for this unnecessary ultrasound , as hungry as I am ? I didn 't see what the big deal was because we had heard the heartbeat , and I She called in to the hospital and tried to book an appointment for me to have an ultrasound done right away . They told her they were too busy , short staffed and it was nearly time to close so I would have to come in next week . I smiled to my husband , because it looked like things were going my way and we could go home . But my doctor wasnt taking no for an answer , she got back on the phone and called Labor and Delivery department ( L & D ) . She told them she really needed an ultrasound for a patient but the Perinatal department claimed to be fully booked . She asked if the L & D would admit me as if I was already in Labor and then wheel me over to the Perinatal department because she really didn 't want to send me home without knowing for sure that everything was ok since I was past my due date . . At this point I was 100 % annoyed . Pregnancy and hunger don 't go well together . I thought all this was unnecessary and prior to this I had many other " scares " during the pregnancy ranging from possible kidney issues , high blood pressure and genetic counselling . And everything always turned out to be okay and more of a false alarm than anything else so I wasn 't at all concerned at this point . The doctor told me to hurry over to the hospital before that department closed and check in to the L & D . So my husband and I walked on over and after being sent to the wrong desk twice we finally got to the right place just on time . There was no one there at the L & D front desk ! It took us a while to get buzzed in . We couldn 't see or hear anyone , just the eerie sound of fetal heartbeats emanating from a few open doors . My husband and I stood at at the desk for at least 10 minutes before a tired but friendly nurse showed up . She made me get into a gown , and then put me in a wheel chair and pushed me over to the ultrasound room . At this point I was smiling again . This was familiar territory , I always kinda liked ultrasounds , and I was starting to enjoy this little test run of what actual labor might be like . I got on the table and lay down excited to see the baby on the screen . I had done most of my ultrasounds at this hospital so I was very familiar with all the techs and perinatologists there . They were all really friendly and professional . But this time a new trainee ultrasound tech walked in . I disliked her immediately . She seemed to have no tact at all . She walked up to me and said " can 't you walk ? why are you in a wheel chair ? " I was like woah what a horrible attitude . But I smiled and responded that I could walk but was asked to get in the wheel chair by the nurse due to my high pressure . Unlike the other ultrasound techs , she didn 't turn the big screen on for me to see what she was doing . I had to strain to see on the small screen which is located behind my head so I just gave up and lay back and waited for her commentsAs she began the ultrasound , she started making faces like she couldn 't believe her eyes , she kept saying " uh - uh " " no - way " " this baby 's gotta get out now " in a really unprofessional manner . She then ran out of the room looking very flustered and came back with her supervisor . She said to the supervisor " by my measurements this lady got no fluid at all , am I doing it wrong ? " The supervisor didn 't address me at all . She worriedly looked at the screen , rubbed the doppler over my belly and did her own calculations . She was very silent the whole time , while the trainee kept spitting out annoying and inconsiderate side comments . I was really hoping that the supervisor would figure out that the loud mouth trainee was wrong and everything was ok , but all I got was a long silence . Finally the supervisor said one short line to the trainee " you are right , it is what it is , we have to call her doctor " and she walked out . At this point I was really angry again . No one was telling me what was going on . Thanks to loud mouth trainee lady , I knew there was an issue with not enough fluid but I wasn 't sure what that actually meant . I just sat there looking at my husband wondering what the heck was going on . Was I free to go now ? Someone showed up and told me to get back into the wheel chair and they wheeled me over to " my room " in L & D . I was so confused at this point . What was going on ? I decided to take off the hospital gown and put my regular clothes back on . I just wanted to go home and pretend everything was okay . At this point the nurse came back in and I asked her what was going on . She told me she had just gotten off the phone with my doctor and that I wasnt allowed to go home , my doctor would be coming in shortly to explain everything in more detail , but she believed I would need to be induced . I was devastated . Induced ? For what reason ? All beacuse loud mouth trainee couldn 't find any fluid on the screen ? I didn 't want to be induced , because I knew how easily that could lead to a c - section and I wanted to avoid that at all costs . She asked me to get back into the hospital gown , she put a tag on my wrist and then brought in a lot of paperwork for me to fill out . . She also brought a heploc , some IV fluid and then hooked me up to a fetal monitor and a contraction monitor . All of these were things I expressly wanted to avoid . I didn 't want to be connected to an IV and stuck on the bed , and I definitely didn 't want the fetal monitor strapped to my belly . I tried to tell her this and she seemed a little irritated and impatient with me . I asked her if I could just hold off on everything until my doctor showed up . She said no the doctor was already in the hospital and really wanted me to be monitored and I needed the fluids since I hadn 't eaten most of the day , she assured me there was no medication in it yet . When she hooked me up to the monitor , she looked at me strangely and asked " don 't you feel that ? " Apparently I was having smallAfter all this , they left us alone for what seemed like a long time . My husband and I talked for quite a bit about how crazy and unexpected it all was and how we couldn 't wait for the doctor to show up . I was so grateful to have him there at this point . It would have really sucked to go through all this alone . After what seemed like hours we still had not seen the doctor , I was confused about this since they had told me a while ago that she was in the hospital already . I asked a nurse about this and they told me she was in the OR . . I nodded as if I understood and later came to find out that OR means Operating Room . Finally after waiting what seemed like a lifetime my doctor walked in the room . It was so comforting to finally see a familiar face ! She apologized for the delay and sat down to talk things through . Induction or else . . . My doctor explained that my fluid levels were dangerously low and that it posed a high risk to the baby . She told me that usually in a case like this they would immediately do a c - section but because she understood and respected my wishes to avoid a c - section , she was willing to try an induction since the baby 's heartbeat was steady and they would play it by ear from there . I asked her what my chances were if I just went home and didn 't induce because I still didn 't really know what the low fluid meant and she looked at me and said very quietly that it could lead to a pregnancy loss . She was very encouraging and told me that the induction might still end up in a semi - natural vaginal birth and that I shouldn 't give up hope yet . Due to the low fluid she didn 't want to do anything to distress the baby so she decided to go with a two - part induction . Starting off with Cervidil and then following up the next day with Pitocin if necessary . She started off by placing the Cervidil which is like a mini tampon , on my cervix , and we all hoped that this would kick start labor and everything would progress naturally from there . By this time my worried parents had arrived in time to see my doctor leaving . My mom brought me food and magazines to read and my dad said a prayer for us all and then they were on their way since it was already about 8pm by now . My husband ran downstairs to get my hospital bag from the car ; I was so glad I had put it in my trunk a week earlier and we just hung out for a while watching tv and hoping for the best . They brought me a tray of food , but by this time , all my hunger had vanished , my stomach was in knots with worry and I couldn 't swallow much of it . So I decided to hold on to the food and eat it later . Big mistake . Last night alone . . . Around midnight since nothing was happening , my husband decided to go home , shower , eat , get some sleep , pack his stuff , get the camera and then come back in the morning . Right at that point a nurse came and cheerfully announced that I wasn 't going to be allowed anymore food . I didn 't pay much attention to her , because I wasn 't really hungry then . I was finally alone with my thoughts and just kept worrying about how everything would play out . I lay there on the bed trying to get comfortable with the belts strapped to my belly listening to the sounds of my baby 's heartbeat and watching meaningless comedies on tv . This was not in anyway how I had envisioned my labor to be ; strapped to machine waiting for some drugs to take effect . It just seemed so passive like I wasn 't doing anything . The monitor continued to show small contractions , I didn 't feel any of them , so I was still hopeful , that tonight would be the night the baby would come . Annoyingly I kept needing to go to the bathroom thanks to all the fluids they were pumping through the IV . This particular hospital has all private rooms , with ensuite bathroom so that was great but it was still very awkward getting to the bathroom with the IV attached . I had to push the entire contraption that holds the bag of IV fluid with me to the bathroom and then maneuver it around . It was hard falling asleep lying on my back . My entire pregnancy I had been told to avoid sleeping on my back and only sleep on my sides , but it was really hard to sleep on my side with the monitor belts strapped to my belly and everytime I got comfortable a nurse would come and tell me that the heartbeat readings were too unreliable in that position . I finally fell asleep around 1 am only to be rudely awakened by a horrible beeping noise . It seemed to be coming from the IV machine . I blinked at it in confusion , what now ? I buzzed for a nurse and she came and said it was because the battery was low . She said it was because I probably forgot to plug it back in when I went to the bathroom . What ? It wThe nurse started the shower running and told me it might take a while to warm up . This was a major understatement because it never warmed up . I basically had a cold shower but it was nice to shower all the same . I was glad I brought my own shower gel , it reminded me of home and made me feel a little more human . A different nurse came in with a bag of Pitocin and said it was time for me to start the next phase of my induction . I told her I was waiting for my doctor to check my progress first and see how dilated I was first . She said we didn 't have to wait for the doctor because she could check me , which she proceeded to do and then told me I wasn 't dilated at all . I was devastated . Not even a little bit ? Then my doctor came with a scary looking hook and said as soon as I started to dilate they would manually break my water . She checked me as well and confirmed that despite the contractions I was having , my cervix was still closed . The cervidil had basically done nothing for me . She was very positive and encouraging and said I should remain hopeful , maybe the pitocin would have more of an effect on me . She started me on a very low dose of pitocin , she wanted to proceed cautiously ; not wanting to distress the baby any further . As the day progressed they very carefully and very gradually increased the amount of pitocin . They explained to me that Pitocin is notorious for causing contractions that are stronger , more frequent and more aggressive to the baby than natural contractions . Because of the low fluid complication they didn 't want to risk the baby getting too distressed as this would have further adverse effects . I patiently nodded to everything they said , I already knew all the side effects of Pitocin , thats the whole reason I never wanted to be induced in the first place ! ! By this time my husband was there , we watched tv , took pictures , talked and laughed the day away , but all I could think of was food ! I was starving and all they would let me eat was tiny cup full of ice chips False alarm . . . By mid day I was having very regular contractions , one contraction every 15 minutes or so , then they came even closer together , every 7 to 10 minutes . I was really excited that things were finally moving along ! They were painful but nothing unbearable yet , I could talk through them normally . I got even more excited when I saw the contractions spiking on the monitor , It was finally happening , I was really in labor ! But as this happened , the baby 's heartbeat sped up and slowed down , so they came in and turned down the pitocin and everything went downhill from there . The contractions slowed down to 1 every 30 minutes and then 1 every hour and then nothing at all . I was back to the mini contractions that I couldn 't even feel . Disappointing to say the least . As the day drew to a close , the baby 's heart rate continute to deccelerate gradually . Then a nurse ran in and turned the pitocin off altogether . She told me the baby 's heart rate was still steady but was getting way too slow and they didn 't want me on pitocin any longer . She told me they had contacted my doctor but the main doctor in charge was recommending an immediate c - section . Shortly after this I got a call from my doctor . She told me they were officially calling it a failed induction . She informed me her recommendation at this point was for a c - section but it was still my decision and I could try and wait one more day and repeat the entire induction all over again , starting with cervidil , however she did state that the longer we waited around the higher the risks to the baby were . At this point my husband and I agreed to have the c - section . The nurse ran into my room again and said she didn 't want to worry me but with the way the baby 's heart rate was bouncing all over the place they were going to go ahead with the c - section as per my doctors instructions . She called it a semi - emergency c - section . Once I agreed to it and signed the papers all hell broke lose . It was like being backstage of a major theatrical production . Everything was fast paced , everyone was rushing around me and somehow I was the star of the show but didn 't know my lines . It felt like so many people were trying to talk to me at the same time ; all very overwhelming . An anesthesiologist came and spoke to me about the spinal injection I was about to receive , at the same time a nurse was shaving and prepping my lower abdomen where they would make the incision , a resident doctor was also trying to ask me some questions and a different nurse was telling my husband to change into scrubs . My doctor also stopped by to talk with me . . . I was overwhelmed and really terrified . For some reason the c - section scared me more than labor or natural birth . I 've had surgeries before so I 'm not sure why this freaked me out so much . My husband and I got a brief moment alone . He kept reassuring me that everything would be fine and then they come and asked me to follow them to the operating room . My husband had to stay behind until after I had my spinal injection placed . My legs felt like rubber as I walked towards the surgical theatre , It felt so dramatic as though I was walking to the gallows or something . I nearly burst out laughing hysterically just out of sheer nervous anxiety , but I didn 't want them to think I was insane so I bit my lip and prayed to God to give me the strength to get through it all I walked into the room and looked around at all the bright lights and medical instruments and I thought wow this is it . This is the room thats gonna witness my transition into motherhood . Firstly I had to sit on the bed for the spinal shot . It 's similar to an epidural but not the same thing . They tried to explain the difference to me , but I didn 't really follow . All I could think of was the fact that I was about to get stabbed in the back with several needles . I 'm glad I didn 't look at the needles because I later discoverd how huge they are ! That would have terrified me even more . Look at the size of that needle ! ! They had me sit on the egde of the bed and then hunch over and cave my back as if I was trying to impersonate the hunchback of Notre Dame so they could give me the spinal shot . They told me to stay really still but it is hard to hunch over like that with a large pregnant belly in the way . I gave it my best shot , but once I felt the first set of needles I instinctively arched my back and everyone yelled " woah woah stay still . " I immediately felt a mild burning sensation all over my lower back and it was really hard to cave my back , I just really wanted to arch my back and scratch the burning sensation away . This time a nurse came and stood in front of me and held my shoulders down in the " hunch back of notre dame position . " This time I stayed still for the remainder of the shots . Then they had me lie down on my back and I immediately felt exremely nauseaous and light headed . Everything was suddenly moving at a fast pace again , as though it was a race to the finish line . One person was hooking me up to oxygen whilst another was cleaning my belly and a third was placing a catheter . Ugh that catheter . I didn 't feel it at first thanks to the spinal but boy oh boy did I hate it later . Another person was putting compression boots on my legs . At this point my head was spinning and I couldn 't breathe , my mouth was extremely dry too . I started panicking , I thought I can 't do this . I need to get up off this table . I told one nurse that I couldn 't breathe and I needed water and wanted to throw up . She smiled and told me I could go ahead an throw up and I wouldn 't be the first to do so . She had someone adjust the table a little bit so my head wasn 't tipped back so much and they adjusted my oxygen too . Within minutes I felt much better . Then a different nurse came to do the test to make sure the spinal was really working . They kept assuring me I would feel pressure but no pain . He wiped my chest with an alcohol wipe and asked if it was hot or cold , I responded cold of course . Then he wiped my belly and asked hot or cold . I staA child is born . . . It was great to see him , I 'd been wondering when they would let him in . He came and sat behind me and I was happy to see he had the camera ready . My doctor soon walked in with another doctor , they spoke to me briefly and then began the surgery . Just like they promised , I felt a lot of pressure but no pain . After about 15 minutes , they told me they were about to get the baby out so I would feel even more pressure . It felt as though they were all taking turns sitting on my chest or punching me in the gut , to the point that I was gasping for air . I heard them say , " a few more pushes " . . and then the next thing I heard my baby crying . It was the most beautiful sound in all the world . Tears poured down my face and I kept saying over and over " my baby " I thought she would be quiet when she was born , but was glad to hear her cry . My doctor later told me that her eyes were wide open as soon as she was born and that she immediately pooped all over my belly They quickly took her to another room to clean her and told my husband to go with them . He was so excited to go with them . I hated what followed . I had to lie there as they finished the surgery which took atleast another 30 minutes . All I wanted to do was hold my baby in my arms , but I had to lie down and have the placenta removed , get stitched up and then be cleaned up . It felt like an eternity . My husband brought her to me , he had a tag on his wrist and they put one on me too . I couldn 't see her properly because of how I was laying down , but I knew she was the most beautiful baby in the world . She had thick curly hair and really long thin wispy nails . She was pretty much dry when she was born , they had been 100 % right about the dangerously low fluid . I started this blog as a first time momma on a mission to document my experiences on my awesome journey into motherhood with my daughter . Now as a mother of two , my sweet son and daughter truly are a blessing from above and this blog is a labor of love for them both . One day they will be old enough to read it and understand what a wonderful adventure it has been for us all . |
Man , I hate to admit it , but I just lost it . . . Twice . Earlier today we were running late and it just seemed like we were never going to get out the door . Logan hadn 't gotten ANY homework done in the 2 hours he had been home . He " couldn 't find " his Cub Scout uniform , which was hanging up neatly in the closet where it should be . And he lost his neckerchief slide because he just drops his clothes wherever the # { || he feels like it when he takes them off . I held it in until I was trying to get them all out the door and all four of them just decided they didn 't speak English . Fast forward to bedtime . Yes , we all know how irritable I get at bed time . Add to that the fact that it is a Monday so we don 't get home until past bedtime as it is and it 's already the set of for holy terror time . Then add to that Logan having to stay up late now so he can get some homework done and Wyatt being his usual non - stop pain in my butt that rubs off on the baby . Thank God for CJ . Out cold with out a fight , just hugs and kisses after quick tucks . To think , he used to be such a pain to get to sleep . I hope every day that when Wyatt turns 4 he will hit the turning point like CJ did when he turned 4 . I swear , terrible twos my butt . Tremendously tumultuous threes is much more accurate . After 9pm and still only one asleep . One in time out on the wall . Another doing homework . The last rolling around " sleeping " on the floor . And me , just sitting in the middle of it trying not to lose it . Posted by Holy cow ! I don 't even know what day I am on . . . Or if I have even made it with out yelling . I suppose if I had it would be memorable right ? This past week has just been such a blur ! It started on Sunday when I worked my regular Sunday job at a church nursery for 4 or so hours . Then on Monday I started my long term sub job . Thankfully this was a short week , no school on Friday , so it was a helpful transition to working so much . 6 day work weeks start tomorrow . I wish I could say that I had a nice relaxing long weekend where I slept in and did nothing all day Friday and Saturday but instead we had a yard sale . That meant getting up and pulling out loads of stuff and stressing over people wanting everything for a dime . On the plus side ; we had our most profitable yard sale ever ! Mind you , this busy week is just the basics . This run down doesn 't include extra curriculars and all the other stuff that I was doing after work every day . . . Pretty much every day this week I didn 't sit down to relax until about 9 : 30pm and I was then in bed asleep by 10pm . LAME . It also makes this bedtime junk even more stressful . I am so tired and want to sleep . Sitting here while the boys don 't sleep makes me really irritable and that makes it hard not to yell . . . . Then that makes me bottle it up . . . And that makes it even harder not to just blow up . Usually when I get to that point I find myself kind of growling at them . I guess it 's better than screaming at them . So here is to day . . . Whatever it is . . . The boys aren 't asleep but I 'm about to be . Good night . Posted by Does today even count as a day of not yelling ? I hardly even saw my kids ! I didn 't even get home from work until almost 4 : 30 so I saw them about 3 1 / 2 hours . We did , however , spend about half of that time with them acting insane in the grocery store . And I did have to yell TO them several times as they bolted down the isles not paying any attention to anything . Boy , did they stress my husband out . At one point , at the end , I sent him alone to go get in a check out line and I held onto the boys . Er . . . . I tried to at least . They were being weirdos and I just did my best to keep them close to me and away from other people . But by that time it was already their bed time so it was completely understandable that they were acting like little nut - cases . I was so busy getting groceries put away and making lunches for tomorrow I didn 't even get to tell them all good night . : ( I was pretty bummed when I realized they were all asleep . It was nice having my husband home to help get them to bed though . I love his days off . Now here I sit , dozing off on the couch I have been on for less than 30 minutes . 10pm . Bed time . Wow . When did I become such a loser ? Well , at least I 'm a loser who hasn 't yelled at her kids in 2 weeks ! Yes people , that is 14 days ! Cheers to me ! What a wonderful way to get some affirmation ! Wyatt was screaming . . . And screaming . . . And just being a noisy butt ( and mean too ) . So when we got to CJ 's tball practice I didn 't unbuckle Wyatt right away and we had a little chat . PERFECT ! This is a big part of what I was going for . And the best is that my 3 year old told me that I hadn 't been yelling . That means even when I am talking sternly to him he isn 't viewing it as yelling . I spent the day working today . When I got home it was already about 3 : 30 so I didn 't have much time with them . It was nice to just play with them , make dinner , and then chill out at practice . Seriously , if I could just get this bed time thing under control I would be SO happy ! Trying a different tactic today . I can 't get the babies to stay in bed so they are sitting on the wall . Maybe I can get them to sit still and quiet long enough to get sleepy . I don 't know . I am at such a loss . Give me other people 's kids and I can work great with them . Give me my own and I can 't figure them out for the life of me ! At least I had a good time working today . I really love teaching , and I tell ya , pre - k is just so much fun ! Seriously , one of these days bedtime is going to get easier , right ? We 've barely even started and I want to pull my hair out . I try to read a story and I have one yelling and covering his ears . Another one not staying in his bed . And the others whining they can 't hear the story . Monster spray . Hugs and kisses . Tucks . And goodnights . Then . . . . Still talking , screaming , and not staying in bed . It 's just SO STRESSFUL . I seriously HATE bedtime . If I could just say goodnight and go down stairs and do what I need to do it would be so nice . But it 's even worse if I try to walk away . Then it 's more screaming and following me . My husband has it a little easier , they at least will stay in bed and be quiet for him until they fall asleep . He still has to sit outside their door until then though . This time of day just makes my blood boil . I could have a fantastic day and come 7 : 30 I am ready to jump out of the second story window . I will not yell . I will not scream . I will not yell . I will not scream . I . Will . Not . Yell . I . WILL . NOT . SCREAM . Here 's to day # 12 ! Now I start being a full time working parent . These next few weeks should be interesting . I hope we can get bedtime figured out so that I still have a little quiet alone time before I have to get to bed since I will be getting up and out early to work . Posted by So it 's bedtime . . . Well , actually , it 's past bedtime , and we just sat down for a movie ! I have my fingers crossed that I am not kicking myself later . Maybe I will get lucky and they will just fall asleep during the movie ! This morning was no picnic either . I was trying to sleep in since this is the last day I will be able to do so for a while . Starting tomorrow I am working 6 days a week for as least the next 5 weeks . ( Although technically this week I will have an extra day since there is no school Friday so I won 't be working , but I think working every other day during the week for the first time is going to wear me out ) Where was I ? Oh , yes . I was trying to sleep in but the boys had other plans for me and were in and out of my room all morning . Then CJ had a tball game which started INCREDIBLY rough . I had to get VERY stern with him , on the brink of a yell , but that is the ONLY way to get him out of a funk when he starts acting the way he does about his games . So he sat in the dugout until the second inning ( they only play 4 innings ) when I gave him my final ultimatum . You get out and bat like you mean it , or you sit in the dugout the rest of the game , AND can take a nap when we get home . And wouldn 't you know it ? He went out and hit like he meant it and ran like a champ ! A small snag again when they swapped to go to the outfield again though . However , that was partly due to the fact that coach had mentioned CJ playing 1st base and didn 't put him there either time . He doesn 't do well with that kind of stuff . Fortunately coach let him cover 1st and all was well with the world again . After I took the boys out for lunch ( and ended up spending more than I planned ) . They were awesome for me in the restaurant , very rare for all 4 of them when I am alone with them . One thing I have been sure to do lately is ALWAYS tell them how much I appreciate it when they are well behaved for me . Positive reinforcement is very important , I know that . I can admit that I am not diligent about it all of the time . It is something that Posted by Right now , this past week , has been a very tragic time for America , and Boston , MA in particular . Being so far away it 's hard to really grasp all the horror and I feel so blessed that my boys are safe tonight in our home . Both of the Boston Marathon bombing suspects are either dead or in police custody so that is two less insane and dangerous people off the streets . It 's times like these that make it easier not to yell at my boys . I look at them with different colored lenses . Yes , they can make me nuts but they are mine , and they are here , and they love me with all that they are . So after a fun filled day at the park with good friends and tasty snacks we snuggle up on couch with some popcorn and a movie and just . . . Be . There is nothing more important that the time that we have with our loved ones . You never truly know how much time you will have together . Tomorrow may not come so we must live for the moment . We mustn 't dwell on the negative in the day , but instead look to the positive . Look into the eyes of our little ones and see that undying love and affection . And most importantly , we must reciprocate . Our babies aren 't babies for long , time goes so fast and in a blink they are grown . Don 't spend these days wondering if your kids know how much you love them . Make sure that you do everything you can each and every day to SHOW them , to TELL them , to ENVELOP them in your love . Cuddle them . Kiss them . Tell them those short , but oh so meaningful words , " I love you " . Every day . They need it . You need it . And it is the most important thing you can ever do for them . So here I sit . Up past bedtime with my four amazing little boys . I know they will fight me going to sleep tonight , but who cares ? I love them and they love me . And in the end , that 's all that really matters . Posted by After talking with some friends about my dilemma yesterday we decided that whatever level I was at it didn 't merit going back to 0 . I am happy with this decision ! Today was another great day . I don 't even find myself raising my voice as much . How do I do it ? I have become more diligent about getting up to talk to the boys when I need to . I have been lazy and created a bad habit of " hollering " to them from another room . Not just as a means of yelling when they are misbehaving , just in general when I need them I don 't seek them out , I call out . Now I am trying to go find them or grab the closest child and send him on a manhunt for the brother of his that I need . Ok , so that is still kind of lazy , but at least I am finding more ways to keep my voice level down . I am also stopping to just take deep breathes when I feel like I can 't talk to them and want to yell . This actually usually prompts them to ask " Mommy , what are you doing ? " To which I respond , honestly , " trying not to yell at you " and I keep breathing until I am ready to talk to them in a calm manner . I have , however , discovered I need a whistle or something . When they are all playing together they get VERY loud and if I need their attention it is impossible to get , even if I try to go up to them they just run and think I 'm playing . Not that yelling even works most of the time but it was my default , I think a whistle would be an amazing help . Now . . . If I could figure out a way to get the babies to lay quiet in bed I 'd be golden ! Posted by Honestly , I 'm not even sure what level I was at but I think I have to reset to 0 and I 'm a TOTALLY bummed . It almost ruined my whole day since it happened early but I decided even if the rest of today won 't count I still have to stick with it . Everything was going great . I got up , took Logan to school , came home and was working out , and then IT happened . I was doing my Xbox Zumba and the boys were in and out being irritating instead of working out with me or playing like they are supposed to . Then came Jameson , he had to go poop . That one was an emergency , he can 't go himself and so I had to rush over and help him . Shortly after Wyatt started pestering me . I had told him to go take his pull up off and get dressed and so he needed help getting his shirt off , then he needed help with his underwear and then he needed help with his pants . I couldn 't get the stupid Xbox game to pause like it 's supposed to so I was missing out on a lot of steps and thrown off my rhythm . I kept telling him to just go play and I would help him when I was done . . . Then he started telling me he needed me to put his socks on . I told him no , he didn 't need socks and I would do it after , I was done helping him until my work out was done . So here is where I get confused . I wasn 't really at a level 3 because I could tell that I was angrier than what that level calls for . A level 3 according to theorangerhino . com is The firm voice ( potentially raised ) . This is the I am starting - to - mean business voice accompanied with occasional raised eye brows and introduction of idle threats . Signs : you are still calm and there are no hurt feelings , but you 're wondering when ( not if ) you 're gonna snap and you are growing impatient , quickly . And I definitely was NOT feeling calm . But it also wasn 't a level 4 which says The " oopsie " snap . Stop ! Alright ! Ouch ! This snap is starting to get nasty , but hasn 't gotten there yet . It isn 't a long tirade , it 's just a quick sharp voice where you stop yourself … it 's just enough to make the kids stop what thBecause it was longer it seems to be more fitting as a level 5 . A level 5 is The nasty snap . Darnit ! Knock it off ! Cut it out ! This snap might be short , but it 's filled with venom . Signs : blood is starting to boil inside ; vocal chords are warming up , preparing for a long tirade ; you think to yourself " oh sh * t " was that a nasty snap ? If you think it , it was . At the same time I don 't think it was actually a NASTY snap , it felt , to me , in between a 4 and 5 . It was an oopsie in the way that I really didn 't mean to do it but it came out in several sentences . I would just hate to start back at zero if it is a level 3 / 4 but I just don 't think it was a nasty snap either . But ! BUT ! With all their obnoxious little boyness ( yes , I know it isn 't a word ) I managed to keep my voice calm and not yell at them . Let me tell you , that was REALLY TOUGH with the way CJ acted at tball practice and even harder when he gave me attitude when we went to cub scouts for Logan . When we got to cub scouts the boys wanted to get a drink and Logan walked over to the room and so did CJ . . . . I thought . . . When I had made my way with the littles to the room I looked all over and couldn 't find CJ ! He is normally very good about going straight in so I started to panic a little . As it turns out he had gone into the bathroom , but not the ones that I had checked in the room , the ones out in the hall . When I told him he had to tell me when he goes somewhere other than where I expect him to be his response was " NO ! " Uhm , I am pretty sure I did NOT ask a question . He got to spend the better part of the night next to me until he could apologize . Which , if you know CJ at all , is a nearly impossible task . But he did and he got to go play finally . So of course cub scouts ran late and in stead of getting home around 8 : 30 we didn 't even leave the building until then . So here it almost 10pm and I 'm only about 20 minutes into bed time . Only . 20 . minutes ! ! I 've been averaging an hour and a half so . . . . This pretty much is going to suck . At least the older two are quiet . . . Hey , they may even be sleeping already , although how they can sleep through all this noise is beyond me . Bottom line is that I am really proud of myself . I have to raise my voice a little still , they don 't listen to me 99 % of the time , and I want to pull my hair out of my head at bed time , but I have done really well and for that , I am proud . Here is to day # 6 ! I am determined to make tomorrow a full week of no yelling ! Posted by Wow , I thought it was a trying day yesterday . WRONG ! They are wearing on me hard right now . I am taking a breather before I lose it . It 's my own fault though , and I know it . I let them , and myself , have a lazy day . The TV was on all day and I didn 't enforce going out to run around ( and I really should have , it was gorgeous out today ) and then I had the brilliant idea for a movie and popcorn before bed , ya know , because they were so well behaved today . : / Of course they got really restless and I eventually had to turn the movie off and send them to bed . I gave them more warnings than I probably should have too before enforcing . I really need to get better about that . So we sprayed for monsters , got hugs and kisses and tucks , and no one is in bed . I closed the door so I could breathe . Then I hear them spitting , a HUGE no - no in our house . I stormed in there and it took everything in me not to loose it . I just went right up to them , starting with the oldest , and told them they needed to stop . Now they have stopped spitting but I can hear ALL 4 playing . This is when I am really at a loss . What do I do ? ! Telling them it 's bed time doesn 't work . Tucking them in again doesn 't work . I know screaming and yelling at them doesn 't work but at least that gets them moving and into bed for a few minutes . It 's a school night and they need to go to sleep ! Do I just leave the door shut and let them scream and play around ? Hope they finally go to sleep on their own ? The past few nights have been going so well ! What a trying day ! But . . . I did it ! Today it was CJ pushing me . He had a game today and I was so excited that his daddy could be there to watch him today . His game on Thursday was AMAZING ! He told me that he was going to he great again today . He started out a little rough by not paying attention the first inning when he was in the outfield but nothing too major . . . Then came their turn for batting . . . I don 't know WHAT happened in the dugout but somehow CJ got skipped . Honestly , from what I could see and CJ 's account , it was completely the adults fault . Either way . . . When it comes to CJ all it takes is one thing to set him off and the activity is ruined . He was a miserable little brat the next inning in the field and even worse the next time at bat . He finally hit but hardly ran and of course lost his mind when he got tagged out . I was so huffy we left very quickly and I got an email from his coach that he had wanted to talk to me about what to do in those types of situations . If only I had the answer . Even more amazing . . . The boys have destroyed , yet again , the toy room . The floors are covered in Legos . . . Guess they climbed up and some how got them down off the top shelf to " play " with . : : sigh : : I am really starting to hate Legos . So they were given the task of cleaning the up mess , just the oldest two since they were the two to make the mess . You would think at 5 and 8 years old they would be fairly capable of this task . They are , in fact , not . Or at least they aren 't unless I sit there and watch them and remind them every 2 seconds they are supposed to be picking them . Luckily we had a party in the evening so that saved the day . They seem to be really awesome when we are out at certain places and this was one of those places . Then we came home , snacked on some of their goody bag treats and then had a movie and popcorn ! Unfortunately all the jumping and running around didn 't wear them out enough . Now Wyatt is really testing me with his screaming . At least the monster spray seems to be working and he isn 't crying about being scared of the monsters climbing out of his wall . It really is the little things . Posted by So here we are on the Orange Rhino Day # 3 ! I did it ! I did it ! Today was pretty easy since it was Friday and after school we go straight to the park and spend the majority of our day with friends and eating snacks . Here I am again though , probably posting my win too early . All 4 boys are still awake so there is always a potential for yelling , but I think I can get through it since we took care of the monsters . Ah , yes , the horrible monsters that plague Wyatt and have spread to torturing the other boys at bedtime as well . I promised Wyatt last night that I would get some monster spray to keep the monsters from coming out of his wall . I had seen ( on SuperNanny ) that if you put some water and some lavender oil in a spray bottle it was a great monster spray . Well , I don 't have an lavender oil but I did have some lavender scented fabric softener so I put a tiny drop of that in with some water . After our story I tucked the boys and let them spray a few sprays around their bed while they said a little spell . They loved it . Monster Spell : Yeah , kinda lame but it 's what came to me lol Hopefully the monster spray will keep those mean monsters at bay and work for a while . Now if I could just get these boogers to SLEEP ! Posted by Wow ! Did I really make it ? ! ? I guess maybe I am calling it a little early as I am still sitting here ( at 9pm ) struggling to get the 2 littles to quiet down to sleep , but so far I only yelled at the tball game and that was to cheer on my awesome baseball player ! I didn 't yell at Logan when I noticed that he had cut holes in his jeans . I didn 't yell at Logan when he lied that he couldn 't find his homework and had in fact hidden it in the closet . And I 'm not yelling now . For now I sit outside the boys room listening as the 2 little boys alternate between discussing and acting like monsters . And then racing to go potty . I know typical bedtime suggestions are to not let them go once they have been tucked and you have taken care of that before bed ( which we do ) but when you have a potty training 2 year old and a 3 year old bed wetter we like to encourage always going when we need to . Granted , they are in pull ups just in case , but I 'd rather them go in the potty then sleep in pee . Anyway . . . Enough with the potty tangent ! Here I am , an hour after I tucked the boys into bed and 2 still awake and I haven 't done more than raise my voice slightly ! YAY me ! I have actually found that this has helped me stay calmer . I just have to keep it in check and not let the desire to scream at the top of my lungs get to me . I think the boys were happier today too , evidenced by the way CJ did such an amazing job at tball ( another HUGE struggle ) . I really have to make this work , I just have to ! Not just for the boys well being but for my sanity ! There has to be a better way and I am finding it . Posted by Well , day # 1 of making it with no yelling ! Yay me ! But I don 't know if it counts since I wasn 't even home most of the day . I worked so I didn 't really even see the boys until after 3 : 30pm . Then again , bedtime is my worst time and even though they were ridiculous tonight I held it together . Tonights bedtime show consisted of the following : The 3 year old was all over , as usual , making silly noises , rolling around in his bed and dangling his head over the edge . His antics prompted the 2 year old to roll around and get out of his bed and apparently he had the need to act like a monster , or maybe he was an angry gorilla ? He was squat stomping in the middle of the room alternating arms in the air and making some strange noises . I wanted to laugh but had to tell him to get back in bed . . . the rest of the night he wasn 't so funny . Just getting out of bed and running around and racing back to bed when he realized I was looking at him . But I didn 't yell . So I guess that 's a start . Tomorrow will be the real test . The hubs will be at school and then work so I 'm alone all day . Add to that carting the boys to a tball game alone too and I might be nuts before bedtime even rolls around . So here 's to hoping that I make it to day # 2 ! Maybe you have heard of it , maybe not , but it is all the rage in the stay - at - home - mommy world ( do I count as a SAHM anymore ? ? ) ! The Orange Rhino Challenge is a challenge to stop yelling . I have heard about it through several people posting on Facebook and decided today to really check into it . I 'm a yeller , I can admit it . I hate it , but I do it and as hard as I try I can 't seem to stop . Fortunately , I am not the only one ! It feels so good knowing there are other parents out there that really struggle with this . I feel like you hear and see about these perfect parents with their perfect kids who never yell and I want to be one of them . Well , maybe not perfect . . . Where 's the fun in that ? So here I go , starting tonight hopefully but officially tomorrow . I actually have a lot of things starting tomorrow . We are kicking it into high gear and getting things figured out ( my husband and myself ) and on a schedule . The kids need it , and we do too . Tomorrow is a new day in our home . I am excited and incredibly nervous ! I am a mommy to * 4 * gorgeous little boys . I just finished working on my masters degree in special education . My family is my everything and I love to cook and bake and just spend lots of time with my 5 loves of my life ! |
Wu Rong Tai was baptized and confirmed a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints on Christmas Eve , and Day . It was a wonderful experience . He 's got a lot of faith , and even though it was hard , he quit smoking . we had to role play with him about how to reject his boss at work when he gets offered cigarettes . He 's progressing well , and the ward is working with him ! He was baptized by our new member Huang Yi Li who was baptized two weeks before . Huang Yi Li says he has a testimony of the Word of Wisdom now , because not drinking tea and coffee has made him cough a lot less . He also has read through most of the Doctrine and Covenants , Pearl of Great Price , Book of Mormon , and goes to institute every week . He came to the baptism prepared with the baptismal prayer already written down to memorize . I asked him where he found it and he said , " It 's in the scriptures ! " Today we went to the Temple in Taipei . It was really fun . I was the " bus captain " so I would speak to the missionaries on the bus microphone . I could also pick which movies we watched on the bus . So today we watched the John Tanner Movie , Only a Stone - cutter , The Joseph Smith Movie , Mountain of the Lord , The Pump , The Test , and How Rare a possession . Whew . The Temple was really special . I hadn 't been for over a year . There were so many things I forgot . I think I 'll go a lot as soon as I get home . Go Go Go ! Love , Elder Vernon Posted by Dear Friends and Family , At this time of year , we remember our Savior , His birth , life , and above all , His atonement . We are grateful to Him . We are privileged to be able to serve Him at this time , in this way . We wish all of you a Merry Christmas . We hope that all of you will be filled with joy as you remember Him and His gift to all of us . Love , Taiwan Taichung MissionariesFor this video Christmas Message from all of us , go to this linkhttp : / / www . youtube . com / watch ? v = ekfCYIbEnn0 Sorry today will be a brief letter , I accidentally forgot to save my email to President Bishop again and it got erased . : / We 're going to eat lunch today with our recent convert Huang Yi Li . He 's absolutely wonderful . We 're bringing a copy of the Liahona with a bunch of pictures of the temple , and we 're going to help him get excited to go to the temple ! He still reminds me of Dad . I can 't wait till the battle that ensues after each meal with him about who pays . I 'm determined to get him this time . : ) I 'm a little bit sad that so many other new members aren 't coming . I was really surprised to hear that Trevor 's mission president in the phillipines officially came out and said the focus of their mission is no longer baptizing , but rescuing . I 'm glad we 're a baptizing mission ! But I also like rescuing too . Both are good . I 'm excited for christmas . I 'm even more excited that on christmas eve we have an investigator that 's getting baptized ! His name is Wu Rong Tai . He 's super cool . The poor guy lives in a mental hospital . But he seems completely normal . We took a member there to teach with us , and the member was able to make good friends with him . Afterward the member told us that Brother Wu probably works there . We 've had him interview with the bishop as well , so the Bishop could get to know him , and the Bishop says he seems great and was really willing to announce his baptism this saturday . ( This morning we played tennis again with the Bishop , ward mission leader , and 1st counselor in the stake presidency . It 's so fun ! and we have a great relationship with the Bishop and his family ) . We 're worried Brother Wu will struggle with smoking . he has so much faith . He had smoked one cigarette the day before , but after the interview he was really determined not to smoke . I noticed he was acting a little funny in church yesterday , and asked him what was up . He said he was going through major withdrawals . haha , poor guy . But there 's nowhere better to be than sacrament meeting . He went and washed his face a couple times , and prI 'm also excited for christmas because I get to play prelude music with Elder Ammon Chung at the Christmas activity again . I 'm excited for that ! Guess what else happened this week ? President Bishop called us up and told us that one of the best cellists in Taiwan knew our Area seventy , Elder Gong , and when Elder Gong came to Taiwan , he introduced the Bishops to this Cellist , Evelyn Huang . She invited President Bishop to come and be interviewed on her radio station . President Bishop invited Elder Chung and I to play violin and viola on the radio ! So we prepared a couple songs , and played on taiwan radio . It was awesome ! She was surprised that we wanted to play , and probably didn 't think we would be very good . But it sounded great , it was really blessed . We played " how great thou art " and also a traditional taiwanese song about a flower that everybody loves . Mo li hua . I guess it would translate to . . . Jasmine . Elder Zhong plays the viola so well . He 's amazing ! I thought it was really really fun . I think my favorite part , however , was when she asked about Family home evening . President and Sister Bishop happened to have made a song they sing every monday night , so they sang their family home evening song to the tune of The Spirit of God . " The Bishop family home evening is starting . . . It truly helped me feel once again the importance of family home evening , and family and marriage . It 's something that I really haven 't had a lot of experiences with in Taiwan . Not a lot of people do family home evening . I think I will focus on families more and more until the end of my mission . The zone is doing well . We 're really going to need a push this week to find some prepared people and drop them in this week if we 're to hit our goal of 11 . But I know we can do it ! ! ! to me Huang Yi Li was baptized ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Wow , he was so prepared . We taught him tithing , that was a real toughy for him , but he agreed to keep it . His biggest worry was still his family . But as we invited him to keep praying about the Book of Mormon , he kept having dreams . He dreamed he was eating with his family , but then when they left , he felt like he had lost something that he needed to look for , so he went back and looked , looked , looked , but couldn 't find what he was looking for . Finally he looked over and in his dream he found the chapel , but his family had disappeared . He felt like the dream was telling him that he might have to decide to join the church without his family . He has such faith ! I don 't know why but I felt like he needed to be baptized , that he was ready . The original plan was to have a baptismal interview on thursday , and then maybe wait till next week to baptize . But as we were riding to English class I felt the impression that he was ready , and needed to get baptized as soon as possible . The spirit was working really really hard on him and we could feel it . So that night we pulled him out of English class , and prepared him for an interview . We went through all the questions , and said , " Is there anything that you don 't understand , or have questions about ? " Guess what his question was , he said , " Elder Wen , what are the three great keys revealed to Joseph Smith about how to tell the difference between good and evil messengers ? I don 't get that part . " haha . I 've never had an investigator ask me that before . I loved the moment when he agreed to be baptized on saturday . He committed , and we helped him hit that goal . I feel like he 'll make a very solid new member if we can get the ward members all over him with the new member lessons . he 's like a sponge when it comes to learning new things from the scriptures . What a cool experience ! At the beginning I had almost no faith that he would be baptized . But I guess we never know who 's prepared or not . He was baptized by this big halfway - active guy thaMom Merrrrry Christmas ! ! ! ! I love Christmas season ! ! ! ! I still wear a short sleeve white shirt , and people think I 'm crazy . The only bad thing is right when I wanted to start listening to christmas music , my CD player broke , and my companion didn 't have one either ! ! ! NOOOO ! ! ! ! ! the good news is we had met an investigator once who worked at an electronics store , that could repair it . We used it as a way to share the gospel with them again . The wife started reading the book of Mormon every day , and has a desire , and then said she had a dream where she saw angels , and a pillar of light . They 're taking forever to fix my CD player though . we had three investigators to church yesterday . Huang Yi Li is so good . I called him last night and asked him if he could get baptized , he said " Baptism sounds good , if I don 't run into any problems , it 's OK . " So we set a goal for this saturday . We haven 't taught him tithing yet . . . or done a baptismal interview . Well , the news for today is Elder Zhuang got called up to be the mission recorder . I was real sad to see him go , he was a great companion . I 'm also really excited about my new companion Elder Petters . He 's such an amazing missionary . He is one transfer below me , and we were pretty close in the mtc . we 're going to be doing great , and having a lot of fun . He 's a really humorous , but focused missionary . I 've learned a lot recently . I think I 've become more humble . I know the Lord can help us baptize and retain , and rescue in the month of december . Love , Elder Vernon p . s . have a good christmas season . Make sure to play lots of racky and sit in the hot tub . And do tradition . Yesterday the two wang kids didn 't come to church , I was really sad . We went to their door in the morning to get them , and there was a note saying they weren 't there . That night we went to find them and the uncle said they weren 't there , but they probably were . I think the uncle is starting to have second thoughts about them getting baptized in another church . So please please pray pray pray for the Wang Kids . Wang Posted by one of these is with the tailor that made my new shiny suit ! The other guy is Huang2 Yi4 Li4 our investigator . Aunt Mim would really like this place . A whole village of selling potted trees and flowers and SHRUBBERIES ! to put in your house . Posted by We met with Zhang Yu Cheng the other day . He said he didn 't feel like he was ready to get baptized . To tell the truth , I didn 't feel like he was ready to be baptized either . He isn 't really focused on joining the church at all recently . He is testing , and hasn 't been reading , and doesn 't have any good friends at church yet . So we moved his goal back a couple weeks . I believe he 'll still be able to be baptized in December though . He said himself he has a " rather big desire to be baptized . " He didn 't come to church on sunday because of school . The Wang Family didn 't come to church on sunday , because they went and visited their mom in Nantou . I thought that was a good thing for them to see their mom . I was sad they didn 't come to church either . We had to move their goal back as well . I think they 'll probably end up being baptized on christmas eve . Because I want to make sure the older one has good friends in church . They 're really similar to the two Shi Brothers we baptized last christmas . When the older one stopped going to church , the younger one disappeared as well . But , we saw a big miracle yesterday . We were going to go home to eat dinner , but we felt we should first visit them . I walked in , and only the uncle was there with one other guy . The uncle said it was his friend . So I was about to take off , but then I looked a little closer , and the " friend " looked a lot like the oldest kid . I realized it was their DAD ! ! ! He had heard the kids went back to visit their mom , and got mad and came back to see what was going on . He was drunk too . But , he was actually a really really good person . Super humble . He told us how Jesus Christ had truly helped him many times in the past . He really had a strong testimony of Jesus Christ . I played a hymn on my violin for them . And then we shared the message of the restoration with him . And then we asked if he would allow his children to get baptized and join the church . He agreed ! ! ! Haha , right when he was about to sign the paper , he stopped , and asked us like 5 times whether or noMom Hello , So , church was great ! we had 4 investigators come . And now I 'm really excited to be helping some of these investigators progress towards baptism ! It 's been a long long time since I had a baptism , and now we 're looking like we might have some in december . Yesterday was a day of miracles . One of our investigators is a wonderful young man named Zhang Yu Cheng , We met with him friday at his parents noodle shop . Then he left to school . We were riding off to the next appointment when I got the feeling that something wasn 't right . But I didn 't know what . So we rode back , and a pulled out the strength of Youth pamphlet and talked to his mom for a couple minutes about what we were teaching her son . We also asked if he could come to church this sunday . She appreciated it , but said the family already had plans this sunday and he couldn 't go . Then on sunday morning , we got a call from Yu Cheng , and he said , " I 'm here at the chapel ! " He took the bus 20 minutes by himself to get to church ! HIs birthday is the 3rd of december . We 'll have to move fast , but I think he might be able to get baptized on his birthday ! We also brought the Wang Family to church ! We went over to their house sunday morning , and they were all sleeping . We yelled and hollered till we woke up some random girl that was at their house . ? ? ? And she let us in and we chased down the rest of the kids and rounded them up and stuck them on a member 's scooter and hustled them off to church . ( We found out later there are two orphan girls there that the uncle lets live there because they don 't have anywhere else , that 's who the girl was . I bet she gets baptized too . At least least the sisters won 't have to worry about parent opposition while teaching her , hahahaha . okay that wasn 't a funny joke ) . We made the oldest ride bikes with us though , and he rode really really slow . It was stressful , we ended up a little bit late , but it was worth it ! next week we 'll go do it all over again , but earlier . Getting kids to church isn 't easy . I can 't wait till I have 13 kids Posted by Things are good . Sorry today is a little late in e - mailing . Turns out we had a zone activity today . Luckily we all live decently close together , except for the Elders in Xihu who had to ride a bus for half an hour or so . But we got everybody in the zone ( except for the Elders out on the Island of Magong ) together and took a picture in front of the big buddha on Bagua shan . The funny thing is , last week we were eating dinner , and there was this really really old grandpa , grandpa Zhang sitting next to us . We started talking to him and he was so funny . He told us that he was actually the architect / designer of the big buddha ! That 's one of the biggest landmarks of Taiwan . It was really fun . we all got together and said a prayer that the people of zhanghua could be prepared , and then ordered pizza and took a lot of pictures . Our zone 's doing pretty well . We had two baptisms and confirmations in the zone last week , and we 're working hard to hit our goal for 10 this month . Even cooler , we had one of the best recent convert turnouts at church I 've seen so far , we got 51 percent of the recent converts to sacrament meeting yesterday . Yay ! I 've been having a lot of fun working hard with the recent converts and investigators in our ward last week . We 've found quite a few new investigators recently , and we 're also trying to go find lots of old ones . I also have really been having fun bringing back less actives . It 's kind of hard though , because when they come back to church , the ward likes it , and is nice to them . But there 's still nobody that will actually be their good friend , and so they eventually don 't stay active for the first reason they left in the first place . I think if by the time I leave this ward , there are a couple more recent converts active , less actives come back , and have started home teaching and new member lessons , I feel like I will have done my job . But I still want to baptize more than anything else . I don 't know why it 's not happening . However , I found a family that I really want to baptize . Two days Posted by Hellow Yellow bottoms ! Is Yellow Bottoms still alive at Fraziers ? I actually totally forgot about Halloween . Oh well . Halloween was never my favorite anyways . The zone is doing well . Our weekly report showed we all had an average of 3 investigators at church , which was an improvement . Sister Bray and Watterson had a baptism last week , and it was a really really fun experience . Her name is Jojo , and I was able to do her baptismal interview , and then play violin at her baptism , and then baptize her . But I felt like everybody should be involved , so our district all sang love at home while I played violin . Last minute performances are so fun on a mission . Right after the baptismal I had an interesting experience . I looked into the mirror and realized I wasn 't a boy anymore . I guess I grew up a little bit on my mission . I don 't think it was necessarily physical growth , but probably spiritual , social , and intellectual growth . I think the biggest thing I 've learned on my mission is the attribute of Humility . I haven 't even scratched the surface of knowing how to actually be humble . I 'm still really selfish , and not a super polite person . I seem to always think of myself in any situation , and find it really hard to put others feelings thoughts or opinions on the same plane of importance as mine . But at least coming on my mission has helped me realize where I need to improve . At first I thought humility meant feeling like I wasn 't that great , or not taking pride in things I 've done . But I 've learned that humility is actually confidence . Think of the most humble person you 've ever met . I think of my bishops , and stake presidents . And maybe uncle David or some other people from Idaho . Or best think of Jesus Christ . These people are never ever insecure or self deprecating , but they never take the glory for anything . They are confident , because they know that Heavenly Father is on their side , and they tie everything back to Him . They never compare , never envy . I like the way President Uchtdorf said it best . He said Humility is Posted by Hello Everybody ! My new companion is Elder Zhuang , from Taibei City , the xinzhuang district . He 's so amazing ! ! ! ! I feel so good about my new companion . If mom could pick a companion for Elder Vernon , she 'd probably pick Elder Zhuang . You just don 't meet people much nicer . Anyways , I 've always wanted a Native companion my whole mission , Elder Chen I guess partly counts , but he was born and raised in Utah . So I 've never had one until now . Things are always much more interesting with a native companion . I 've always heard stories of missionaries who their hardest companion was a native . ( maybe it was just Parley and Elizabeth ) . So I was a little nervous that he wouldn 't be as diligent , or as focused . But I 've met few missionaries so far that are as hard working and diligent and accountable as Elder Zhuang . It might help that he graduated from College , went to the army for a year , worked for two more years , and then came on a mission . So now he 's a lot more mature than the average 19 year old kid . I think he 's 27 right now . He 's parents and family members are Yi Guan Dao . A religion where they believe a lot of different Gods . Including Buddhist , Daoist , Christ , and some others . They 're always the hardest to teach . He joined the church when he was in college at age 21 , and when he said he wanted to go on a mission , His parents said that he might as well not come home , basically kicked him out . His Girlfriend also opposed him leaving . So if you want to , maybe mom or Dad could write Elder Zhuang a letter because I don 't think he gets a lot of mail from home . I 'm always more and more impressed with the Taiwanese people , and my love grows for them more and more daily . Just little experiences every day make me so grateful to be serving in this mission among these people . I 'm also having a lot of fun working with my zone right now to help us all work harder and more effectively . For example , I remember one little thing , when I accidentally went up to contact a family and then realized they were doing some sort of religious fPosted by Hello ! That makes me so happy that Andrew , Mariah , and Rachel are now members of the church . How exciting ! I am so glad for them and the big blessings that they 'll now all be ale to receive . Things are going pretty well . We found out last night that Elder Wheeler is going to move , and train a new missionary next week . So I 'll stay here in Zhanghua , and welcome in my new companion . Things have been going well lately . Yesterday at church we didn 't have any investigators , the first time in my whole mission that I 've blanked at church . But I was surprised that I didn 't feel as bad as I would have earlier . Because that day we had 5 less active brethren come to church with us . The mission is changing . We 're focused a lot more on enduring conversion now , and establishing the church . I never heard the word establish the church , and I don 't remember once visiting or caring about a less active from my first area . But we baptized more . I realize now I 've been so blessed . I love each of my recent converts so much . Some of them are struggling , some are completely less less active , and some are really active . But I lvoe each of them so much and realize what a gift and blessing from the Lord it was to be able to baptize those people . I 'm still looking really hard for baptisms here in zhanghua , but can 't seem to find any . The zone is doing really well . The sisters are on fire , as usual . Sister Bray is training the old mission President 's daughter , Sister Watterson , who is one of the most prepared , ready to work missionaries I 've ever heard of . I was able to do a baptismal interview for one of their investigators who was absolutely golden . The other sisters in the zone , Sister Cooper and Pomeroy ( Sister cooper was one below us in the MTC , and now she 's going home next week . aaaaah ! ) whitewashed an area in the zone and they already had a baptism last saturday and there were so many people there attending , it was great . The entire zone seems to be on the uphill , and we 're all working hard to accomplish our goals . I 've had a lot of Posted by Hi ! Today 's just another week in Taiwan , not many changes . I loved conference so much ! There were so many talks about missionary work , and about the spirit . I especially love listening to President Monson . But I always look forward to Elder Christofferson and Elder Anderson 's talks the most . Theirs always seem to be amongst my favorites . But I think I would have to agree that President Packer 's was probably my favorite . On of the seventy 's talks on sunday really touched me , with his story about finding a quarter to buy a piece of chicken , and how we should pray . I feel like in my life that 's how I 've seen the hand and mercy of the Lord the most , is by very little tender mercies , that mean so much to me , but maybe not much to anybody else . The picture I attached is our ward mission leader and us , at the steakhouse he took us too . It was a little tender mercy . The very night before we had seen that place and wanted to go there , but knew that we probably shouldn 't spend that much on one meal , and then the next day he called us and wanted to take us out to eat . He somehow picked the one restaurant we had been wanting to go eat at . Well , Elder Willi is learning a lot . A lot about patience , love and " waiting on the Lord . " wasn 't that just a beautiful talk by Elder Hales . It almost made me cry , because that 's what I feel like I need to do just now in my area . I 'm so glad that we have such humble , experienced brethren leading the church . But I 'm so so grateful that I 'm able to be a missionary at this time . I don 't think there is anything more exciting or compelling than serving the Lord right now . Thank you for all of your support ! I 'm so excited for all the successes that you are having at home . I 'll continue to pray for all of you . Add oil ! Elder Vernon Posted by I can 't believe the Provo tabernacle is going to turn into a temple . Right there on the opposite side of BYU . Oh that 'll be so nice , the provo temple was always too busy . Everything is going well here . I tracted into a family that was really accepting of our message . The father seems genuinely interested , and really willing . He has two children 11 and 8 who are real cute and like to get visits from us . the wife hasn 't really been willing to meet with us yet though , and we don 't think she has a lot of interest . Their last name is Peng , and their about our only real promising investigators at this point , so we would really appreciate any prayers for the Peng Family to keep accepting to gospel message , be able to keep their commitments and progress towards baptism and eternal life ! In personal study today I read in the Book of 3 Nephi , chapters 22 - 25 . And I was so touched by the words of Isaiah . I felt like I had never read such beautiful scripture that applied so well to me . The Lord comforts zion , and says he is the " maker " and the " husband " and that zion 's shame would be forgotten , and that the Lord will remember them , and have mercy on them , and partake of his " Everlasting Kindness . " It was just the scripture I needed because I have really had a desire lately to gain a Stronger testimony of Jesus Christ . I felt so strongly the Savior 's love for me . I felt strongly that as long as we are repenting daily , and turning toward him , he would always love and be merciful to me . I know better now how the Book of Mormon can help us understand and get to know Jesus Christ . Yesterday was not a good turnout at church . For a variety of reasons , our recent converts were all unable to come , and then our family that was planning on coming , the wife got sick , and we only had 1 investigator at church . Once again , I 'm feeling humbled in zhanghua where all we can do yields little results . But , we just focus on the input , and leave the output to the Lord . I feel a lot of new strength and help from the other side of the veil today . I dPosted by Do you want to know a funny story . We have this old old man in our ward , who has a big long white beard , that walks real slow with a little walker . I didn 't think he could really talk until last sunday when I sat down next to him for a little while and talked . He told me that he was in his 60 's ! ! ! ! ! Aaaaaaaaah ! i just about died , because who knows what my Parents will be like when I finally get home ? I just imagined Daddy with a straggly beard and using a little walker thing . hahaha . And Mom can be one of the old old taiwanese ladies that doesn 't speak chinese , and rides around real slow on her scooter picking up garbage . haha . I 'm just kidding . I 'm grateful that I have such healthy parents . It has been a real big eye - opener though , because all the old people here look older than they really are . Well , things are going okay in Zhanghua . We 're all a little frustrated because we can 't find any investigators . I guess that 's not true , we have some . But we don 't have any that really want to get baptized . I just feel really really bad because Elder Geddes and I had some really good investigators that were progressing , but then he left , and I think I just gave them too much pressure , and they didn 't feel as much love , and they lost interest . This week we were contacting on the street , and then this funny looking guy with big teeth on an old rusty bike with a huge old water jug on the back was riding past . Right as he was passing us his bungee cord snapped and his big ol water jug flew off his bike . hahaha . we ran and helped him put it back on , and then he welcomed us over to his house to meet with him . He seemed to be interested in the message . We took him over to help paint a recent converts house , and I think he enjoyed that . But then on sunday we asked if he could come to church , and he said he was too busy , he had to go read the newspapers . Bah . There 's also a chubby little kid that hangs out at the Elementary school . Sometimes we go find him and sit down and teach him about the Book of Mormon . But the church is tooPosted by William Preston Vernon I don 't have much to report this week . sorry . But I can tell a couple stories if you want me too . we went to visit a part member family that has three cute little kids , they were really rowdy and I just loved it . Their dad was there but he had no interest in the gospel . I relate to people like that so much moer now that I have Rod got baptized . I have a lot more faith for all of those husbands that aren 't baptized yet . I didn 't know how to control the kids , so we just started singing a song . We sang I am a child of God , the kids just sat and listened . Then when we were done , they asked us to sing it again , and again . It was a really fun experience . The other day we contacted a guy on the street , that turned out that was our member . He said he got baptized about four years ago . The other thing was that he was really crazy . I think . He talked about a lot of conspiracies and stuff that I don 't think was true . And we just listened . He wasn 't willing to come back to church , but he was really grateful that we listened to him . I got the feeling that nobody had actually listened to him in a long long time . I went on exchanges with one of our district leaders , and we visited an old man that had the melchizedek priesthood , and was really active . He never quite could bring himself to pay a full tithing though . He ran into a lot of hard times , and then he prayed and prayed for god to help him come out of his financial circumstances , and there was no answer , so he stopped believing in God , and now he claims that he is atheist . We bore a lot of strong pure testimony but we couldn 't change him at all . It was sad . So keep the commandments ! i love you all ! Goodbye , Elder Vernon William Preston Vernon Today 's mid - autumn festival . Families in Taiwan are returning to their parents homes , eating moon cakes , and barbequeing together ! Preparation days come and go really fast . Last week I bought some new belts , ties and three new shirts that are really white and shiny . All of my shirts were yellowish gray . Today we are going to the ward barbeque out in our secondary area of Hua tan . I have a question for Prenten , I found a former investigator family that said they used to meet once a week and read the book of mormon with an Elder Fei . Did Prenten ever serve in Zhanghua ? The guy 's name is Liang Zheng Dong . I 'm still concerned , our zone is struggling right now , and I 'm struggling right now . But , the Lord continues to bless us . I just wish he 'd bless us with some more baptisms ! We met a couple new investigators though . One is a really cool college student named Vincent Chen . I contacted him while I had my violin on my back , turns out he plays the violin as well , and he seems genuinely interested in the gospel . The other new investigator is a mr . Wang who I contacted on exchanges the other day . He 's got some problems . He 's not one of those people that are really quick , and understand everything you say to them . He 's a little bit weird . But for some reason I love investigators like that . Sometimes you just run into some really funny , really weird , really sad , or really crazy ( like truly crazy ) people on your mission . I think Taiwan has a lot of these people . I guess I never talked to every person on the streets in america either , I guess there 's weirdies everywhere . Anyways , He said he was a former and went to church before , so we invited him to be baptized as soon as possible . And told him to come to church on sunday . Both his numbers were wrong so we figured he wouldn 't . vincent couldn 't come this week he said , and nobody else was coming . We thought we were going to have no investigators in church . I prayed really hard , then we got a blessing . Brother Wang walked in during the last of sacrament mPosted by Mom , I love you so much . That is such a fun story about you pushing subart half a mile in the middle of nowhere . Hahaha . I think I have the coolest mom in the whole world . I am also grateful that everything worked out and that good people are looking out for and taking care of you . I 'm so glad that Rod is able to get the priesthood , and soon Andrew as well . That 's an amazing thing for the ward there in Washington . What a great new family for them to take care of and learn from . I truly love Sarah and Rod , I wish I could be there . I can 't wait to see pictures of the baptism , and especially of the kids ' baptism too . This decision of Rod 's will literally affect generations upon generations of faithful people . What a turning point ! I pray for him and for each of you every day recently . sometimes I forget to . Well , nothing much is happening here on the mission . Our zone 's numbers are looking pretty low . We have a goal of baptizing 10 this month . I think we can definitely do it , but we 'll have to think up some good ways to help the missionaries in the zone feel fired up and ready to baptize . I feel like being a zone leader has really humbled me . Right now our investigators aren 't many . We 're still waiting and praying for Zheng xiang cheng to get baptized . But I think he had such a good relationship with Elder Geddes , that when Elder Geddes left some of Zheng xiang cheng 's desire to be baptized disappeared . That 's too bad . That 's okay , we 'll still dunk ' im ba . I can 't think of much else to say , except for I 'm excited to work hard the fourth quarter of my mission . The mission is going through a lot of changes right now . President Bishop changed it now to counting new investigators the same way as every other mission , and also changed the way our entire mission contacted . We 're used to contacting separately , but now we are encouraged to proselyte together with our companions . Keep up the good work ! I 'm so excited for Rod and Sarah and Family . And for everybody else . Goodbye ! Elder Vernon I don 't really know what to say today . Not much is happening right now on my mission except that I 'm going through a lot of changes . Elder Wheeler is really amazing . He 's from Idaho Falls , he 's 22 years old , and a convert to the church ! He joined the church when he was 18 , and turned his life around . None of his family has been baptized yet , but I bet they will as soon as he gets home . He 's a really diligent , amazing missionary , or else he probably wouldn 't be a zone leader , and he 's teaching me a lot . Because our backgrounds are pretty much polar opposites , and our personalities are really different as well , there 's a lot of things I can learn . The way he does missionary work is really down to earth , and cares about each person , because he knows how they feel as a convert , and knows how to treat part member families . These are things I just don 't have . He 's also a little bit like Scott , pretty outspoken , and not one to hold things in if there 's something wrong . I think if I had this companionship earlier in my mission there might have been a lot of problems , but now that I 'm more humble than I 've ever been before , and he is really humble as well , we just learn from each other 's differences and strengths . It 's really great . I learned that Elder Wheeler originally wasn 't even planning on going on a mission , He was already 21 , owned his own company , had a huge nice truck , and a fiancee , and then felt like he needed to serve a mission . I 'm so glad he did , He 's blessing the lives of many many children of Heavenly Father over here in Taiwan . Things are going well . I 'm excited for the last stretch of my mission , I can push hard , and try to hit all my goals before I have to come home . Good luck , Elder Vernon 1 . Elder Geddes at the train station this morning . Three weeks wasn 't long , but I learned so much from him . It was a really good time . 2 . This morning saying goodbye to Zheng Xiang Cheng , and his Mom . That 's a great family . I 'll see what I can do to baptize the mom . p . s . Elder Geddes moved ! in the middle of the move call , he moved down to Jia Yi to be zone leader down there and spread his goodness . My new companion is now Elder Wheeler . He was also in the same group of missionaries that came to taiwan the same time as us ! Cool huh ? He 's great , humble , really strong , and a convert to the church ! ! ! Amazing . I have so much to learn from him . He got baptized not long ago and it 's a really fun thing to serve with him and learn things more from his point of view . I 'll tell you more about him next week . Posted by Rod 's getting baptized ! ! ! ! ! ( Rod is Elder Vernon 's brother - in - law , He and Sarah have 7 children ) That 's so exciting . I 'm so happy . I 'm really really really happy . I 'm so excited that you all have a baptism this week . I need to see pictures ! ! ! I want to see a picture of Rod in white with all those little kids surrounding him . I 'm really so happy , I don 't even know what to say . That 's amazing . And so fast ! I thought if he set a goal he would set one a long ways down the road . The last time I talked to Rod is when we went to renew Sarah 's reccomend . I said , " Rod , when are you getting baptized ? " He said when he was 63 or some other number like that . crazy . Either I 've been gone for longer than two years or else this is a miracle . Congratulations to Rod . Remember though that there 's always big opposition before something great like this can happen . So don 't be surprised if like the dryer breaks , and everything seems like it 's giong wrong . It 's not that baptism isn 't right , it 's that Satan doesn 't want you to get baptized . Or even better I think I 'll just e - mail them and tell them congratuations by myself . That would be good . I 'm so excited . This builds my faith a lot . I feel like going out and challenging everybody I see to get baptized . A baptism in the family is something really really exciting . That 's a lot of baptisms for Mom in the last month . Enoch , and Rod , and then Mariah and Andrew and everybody else that 's over the age of eight . That completes it ! Then we just set goals and make plans to go to the temple . I love Elizabeth 's little song " We 're going to the temple , all dressed in white " forgot the words . I listened to the little CD , it was so good ! I loved it . Enoch sounded just as good as the other little kids , if not better . he 's so great . I thought it was so cute , especially the General Conference song . Our baptism fell through . The day before the mom called us , and said , " Sorry , I talked to his Father , and we think it would be better if he waits until he 's older to get baptized , so , cancel the baptism . " we sPosted by We are seeing miracles in Zhanghua . I was really excited to present a Combined district training meeting with Elder Geddes . I felt like that went really well and was very inspired . Our focus on planning and reviewing plans before each lesson should hopefully increase our number of progressing investigators . We had a wonderful miracle a couple nights ago . Last week Elder Geddes and I fasted for a young man named Zheng Xiang Cheng . Xiang Cheng is a wonderful teacher age young man that was introduced to the church by his friend who was just baptized a couple weeks ago . He loves coming to church , prays every day , and has already read through the bible dictionary section of the Book of Mormon . His mom just hadn 't agreed to let him get baptized yet . So we fasted , and prayed . That 's not a big deal for me , because I need to cut a little fat anyways , I like fasting . But Elder Geddes with his diabetes had probably had a little harder time fasting . I think he still ate a little bit , but just the bare minimum to keep his blood sugar OK . Anyways , after the fast nothing happened . We tried to find the kid 's mom , but we couldn 't , and she was always busy , and it seemed like nothing was going to progress for a couple days . Then on friday night as we were riding home , we stopped at a stoplight and the kid , and his mom just happened to ride up next to us on their scooter at the same stoplight . What a coincidence ! and then to make things even more weird , one of our church members walks across the street and runs into us at exactly the same time . Weird ! It was almost like it was planned . But it wasn 't us doing the planning . We talked to the mom about how great her child was and bore testimony that he was ready to get baptized , and the member said how joining the church was a good decision , and the mom was touched . We asked her for permission for her son to be baptized and she said yes ! And then I pulled a baptismal record out and had her sign it right then and there . So we should be baptizing this kid next saturday morning , we set up This xiang cheng kid is really really sincere , and great . He 'll be such an amazing missionary , and he really establishes the young men 's program here in Zhanghua . Yesterday was a really fun day . we had some good investigators at church , and then the highlight was when we went on exchanges with our ward members . I was able to go with the Young Men 's President of the ward , and we went to bless the sacrament for some ward members . It was one of the sweetest experiences I 've had on my mission , because I usually wouldn 't be able to bless the sacrament . It 's the first time I 've done it in Chinese . One member had some mental problems , so we had to ride all the way up a big big hill ( the member was on his scooter while I rode my bike ) to this quiet little community / hospital place where there were a lot of people with mental illnesses . They all seemed completely normal though , I guess it was a good day , and they all vary in level of disability . When I got up there , I had a feeling to contact the man smoking over by a table , and as I went over , to my surprise , the book he was reading was a book of Mormon . The member had been sharing the gospel with her friends . The member came and we had a sweet little sacrament meeting on the top of the mountain at the mental illness place . We sang songs , and as I was playing my violin , about four more people that wanted to attend came out and sat with us . We blessed the sacrament , and it felt almost a little bit more like the first time the sacrament was introduced , around the table with our friends . Anyways , I was glad I brought my violin . We visited a couple other less active or part member families and strengthened them , and I felt so much closer and a part of the ward by doing that activity . Thanks to Elder Geddes for that great idea of missionaries going on exchanges with members once a week . I 'm more and more impressed with my companion Elder Geddes . He 's increased my vision so much . There 's a lot of things that set Elder Geddes apart from the average missionary , like his testimonPosted by 1 . My new companion Elder Geddes . I learn so much from him every day . He 's really a leader , and I 'm really content just following him around and learning for now because he does a great job and is really diligent . The only companion I 've had like him was Elder Farr . I 've been really really blessed on my mission to have great companions . It 's great to be with Elder Geddes , we get along really well , and I think we 'll be seeing a lot of miracle in the zhanghua zone . 2 . This is my recent convert Chen Hao Feng from back in my days in fengyuan . It was a tender mercy to be able to run into him on the day I moved up to zhanghua . He had come to the mission office to say goodbye to Elder Kossman , who I was with at the time , and we were able to all see each other again . Some of my converts from fengyuan aren 't active , but this kid is really solid , and says he wants to serve a mission really bad . He may be going on a short term mission soon ! My other solid convert from fengyuan , Wang yu li , actually is going on a mission soon ! Last I heard he just pulled out his wisdom teeth , and is getting his papers in . 3 . I miss my trainee Elder Harper , we got really close in Lingya . We were both really surprised when they closed that area . the bishop called president Bishop and told him that he wanted us to stay , and that we had done an excellent job in the ward . But I moved . 4 . Elder Kossman went home . Elder Adams went home a couple transfers ago . I am almost beginning to feel like an old missionary . It 's weird . Being a zone leader is really really fun . Zhanghua has been struggling with baptizing for a long time . We go by months now , and our goal for this month is TEN BAPTISMS ! ! ! It 's a really realistic , hittable goal that all the missionaries have faith in . Right now the place that 's on fire is the place I just came from . The two zones in gaoxiong are baptizing about 16 or 17 per month , but hopefully we 'll see this area get motivated . It 's really fun to be able to be in charge of a zone , put my own inspirations and ideas into practice . Elder Vernon I moved ! I have now moved from my third area into my fourth . I was trained in Fengyuan , moved to Gaoxiong , moved to another part of Gaoxiong for another three transfers , and now I moved up to right under Taizhong , a nice little place named Zhang1hua4 . I 'm really excited for a couple reasons . the first , President Bishop called and asked me to be a Zone Leader in Zhanghua , and guess who my companion is ? It is Elder Geddes from my same MTC group . He 's the most amazing missionary ever ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 11love you ! bubyesorry this email is so short . It 's because I had to take the train , and move and stuff , and now we didn 't have much time to e - mail . I love my new companion , his family lives in Washington , I love you ! ! ! ! ! Hoooooooobye ! 1 . Today we went to a really yummy buffet , and they had watermelon ! And they also had marshmallows and sausages that we could roast , it was the closest thing to a cook out that I 've done in Taiwan ! 2 . This is Brother Wang2 , our handicapped investigator from across the street . He has about every health problem you can think of , and he still smokes over a pack a day . We always run into him at random places throughout the city . On Saturday , I noticed him wearing this hat , and asked if I could borrow it for the night . He was happy to loan it to me , so that was a little tender mercy , I got to wear a big hat to our pioneer activity ! 3 . Last week after e - mailing we went to visit Zeng Wei Zhe , my recent convert . He was so happy that I came and visited him that he kissed me on the cheek . Turns out that his mom just took off , and nobody knows if she 'll come back or not . So his dad 's in prison , his mom ran away , and he just lives with his aunt . He reads his scriptures every day , and reminds me a lot of Enoch , he 's really really smart . He says he 's read through the whole book of Mormon , but I don 't know if I believe it . Some kids that age can 't even read Chinese . But I was glad I got a chance to visit him . His aunt has now been to church , and his little cousin in the picture goes eery week and is preparing to get baptized . 4 . Here 's a picture of him with his standard works . 5 . Me on the random toilet in the middle of Gaoxiong . 6 7 and 8 , playing basketball this morning with Li3 Li4 wei3 and Elder Harper . The Li kid was way better than us . He loves playing basketball . After about six months in Taiwan I finally figured out that about half of the boys in Taiwan choose an English name based on a NBA player . hahaha . Posted by |
I heard a story on NPR a few weeks ( days ? months ? ) ago , about how Compton is not really as bad as , you know , COMPTON . How people use " South Central " , or " Compton " as a euphemism for the worst , of the worst . People will be looking at a house in say , oh I don 't know , MY neighborhood , and say , " I mean , it 's not COMPTON ! " . The story was about how there 's actually a large agricultural center there , with horses , and goats , and people making their own cheese . IN COMPTON . The point is , Nipper and I find , that when we tell people outside of LA , that we are from LA , often , they bring up the LA Riots , or NWA , or some other thing that has absolutely nothing to do with our life here . I want to say " yeah , we get shot at all the time , but you know , the weather is like , so , so , great . " But really this is the LA most people know . Admittedly it is a city divided , just like any big city . There is incredible wealth , and devastating poverty . I 've seen things here on both ends of the spectrum that have knocked me out . Stuff like , people throwing a $ 50 , 000 birthday party for their 1 year old ; and two grown women fighting in the middle of a street , one of them wearing nothing , but a make - shift diaper . We live somewhere in the middle of that , but definitely closer to the diaper than the party . I feel extremely fortunate , to live and work in a city that allows us to enjoy so many great things , the ocean , the mountains , one of the country 's largest city parks ( Griffith ) , beautiful local canyons for hiking , skiing an hour away from the beach , outdoor malls in December , Night blooming jasmine in winter , Orange blossoms , and the Disney Symphony hall , Zankou chicken , the movies ( I mean it , I love them ) , spooky old theaters in a downtown that looks half like NYC , and half like Mexico City , gourmet food trucks that make everything from waffles to portuguese sushi tacos , and Scientologists in their natural habitat ! And this is like the worst list , of the best stuff . How can you top that ? I know that many , many , people are born and raised here and never see the good parts of LA . I knew a guy in college , who had grown up on Portrero Hill in San Francisco . He had never seen the ocean . San Francisco is 7 miles wide at it 's widest . He had never crossed those seven miles , because of poverty , not apathy . But there are a lot of people who move here from other places that never see the good stuff either . These people make me crazy . The transplants who endlessly feel the need to talk about how much they hate LA . Nipper Knapp and I have one word advice for these people " leave " . No one is begging you to stay , and frankly , you 're just making traffic worse . No other city in the world is such an easy target for people 's disdain , people looooove , to hate LA . It 's like the anti - Paris . People who have spent 3 days here , like to expound on all the terribleness that they encountered in their travels . " It 's not for me " , they 'll say . Fine , then go , back to wherever it was you escaped to come here and complain . I 'm sure they 've been missing you . But I 'm not gonna lie , LA is vast , and I think it takes a long time to get to know . A long time to be able to take a deep breath and call it home . My first year here , I didn 't know anyone , for A YEAR . I didn 't know how to begin to meet anyone . I spent looooong days walking in the Hollywood Hills , smelling the canyon air , getting dusty , seeking shade , reaching the top , staring incredulous at the grid , hoping there was a life for me somewhere out there . Some weeks , there were days when I didn 't speak to anyone except the checkout girl at the grocery store . It can be a lonely town , until you find your place , your people , your way . But it 's that loneliness that alienated me in the beginning that has held me here for so long . You can be anonymous in this town . You can do anything you want , any way you want , and be sure that while you may be doing it differently , you are not doing it alone . I used to hate that . I wanted someone to tell me what the rules of life were . The older I get the more I love that LA lets you make your own . It 's a sleepy town hidden under a crazy traffic jam . It 's shy , and stubborn , and it has a funny face . You could very easily write it off as city gone wrong . But you 'd be wrong . There are a million different ways to live in this town , and if you can 't find one that fits you , you haven 't looked hard enough . But for some reason , it 's more acceptable to hate it , than to love it . I LOVE LA . I might as well have just shouted " I love syphilis " . That 's how much people love to hate LA . The street I lived on when I first moved here . That stearn love note was a long preamble to what happened here two nights ago . You guys know my mom moved here a few weeks ago to help with the kids . She is not in the " LA haters " club , as a matter of fact , she gets around really well . In her visits over the years , she has found her favorite places , and sometimes goes off on her own to get " that salad from that place we went that one time " . She is making a nice little life for herself down here . My mom is bold , brave , different , and generally dives head first into most things . In many ways , she 's a born Angeleno . I like to think I got a lot of my courage from her . She is however , a mom . So you know , she worries . Sometimes she expresses her worries out loud . And because I 'm you know , her kid , I roll my eyes , and say " ok WHATEVER " . Then I make a note to myself that when Jack and Charlie are grown , I will still feel the way I do about them as babies , and they , being grown men will roll their eyes , and say " ok , WHATEVER " , and that 's the way it should be . All moms have the crazy crazy . All of us . When we bought our house , I 'm sure our entire family was worried . Is that neighborhood " ok ? " , ( mezzo mezzo ) , is that mortgage " too high ? " ( YES ) , will they be " ok ? " ( sure ) . But it 's a mom 's job to say these things out loud , and sometimes to say them with a little added color , that makes their children want to scream , kick their mother in the shin , and then take a nap ( see it never changes ) . So for years , my mom would ask about the neighbors " pit bull " , ( a chow mix ) , and about the tagging ( it was tagging ) , and gangs ( closest thing we have around here , are these really pushy Waldorf moms , " Oh you are raising little Azalea without screens ? How brave " . You know stuff that living in a city , we ignore , don 't see , don 't think about , because you can 't . You have to keep your eyes on the prize , and live your life , because oh my god couldn 't you get lost fast . Louis C . K . has a bit on bringing a girl from a small town into NYC through Port Authority for the first time . She sees a homeless man in a terrible state , she bends down to see if he 's ok , and Louis and his friend , grab her and say " oh NO , we don 't do that " . As if she 's wrong . But when he tells it , it 's funny . Jesus , I 've just made Louis C . K . unfunny . Now I want to die . So for years , I 've just rolled my eyes when my mom talks about all the dangerous or terrible things she sees in and around LA , because hey , I live in my pink man cave , with my macbook , and my eames rocker , and my organic yogurt , and my kids wear bamboo socks that don 't chafe , and you know , WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ? ! LOOK AT ME ! I ' VE MADE HEAVEN RIGHT INSIDE OF HELL AND YOU CAN ' T EVEN SEE IT ! My friend Paul told me about moving here from Rhode Island . He was going to stay with a friend . When he got in from the airport , the friend wasn 't home , so he waited on his front porch . I can 't remember exactly where it was , Beverly Hills , Brentwood ? Somewhere swanky . While he waited he called his mom . He told her what he was doing , and she said , in a concerned tone " well don 't be a target " . Oh god , this is going to happen to me someday . I 'll be saying something like that to Jack or Charlie . They 'll be having lunch with someone in the Hamptons , and I 'll say " watch out for land mines ! " Two nights ago , Nipper and I went on a date . Well , we went to see a movie , that 's a date , right ? We came home , and my mom was upstairs in Charlie 's room . He had just woken up , and she was rocking him . Jack was asleep . Awesome . My mom gave me a kiss on the cheek , passed me the baby , and said good night . I was thinking " see how well this whole arrangement is working ? ! I might even get a little time to make out with my husband on the couch . We have kids people . The window for getting lucky is very , very , very , ( very ) small . But when I came down after nursing Charlie , my mom was still there in the living room , watching a movie . Uh . . . mom please don 't read this next sentence . Goodbye lady boner . Uh . . . I 'd like to take back that last sentence . Ick . But seriously , nothing makes you want to have sex with your husband , less , than your own mother watching Tangled in your living room . It 's true , you can wikipedia that shit , because it 's a fact . Night time babysitters need to make like a tree and leave as soon as people get home . But she 's my mom , so how do you say that ? ( you write a blog for 2 years , and then slip it in casually ) I decided I 'd curl my hair , so I wouldn 't have to do it in the morning . Back to reality . 20 minutes later , the movie ended and she headed home . Good Night and Good Luck . Three minutes after leaving our house , my mom was in a traffic altercation with several young men , who tried to ram her car , then jumped out and waved a gun at her . Right in front of my house . Good . Night . I watched the whole thing happening out my front window , where I was standing curling my hair . We live on a curvy hill street . Only one car can go up or down at a time . There are impasses 20 times a day . Someone backs up to let the other past , and life goes on . At first I thought this was what was happening . I heard them rev their engine , she was going down , they were coming up . I said " ok , easy , she 's an old lady " ( sorry mom ) . But then they revved the engine again , and again , and squealed the tires . As I pulled back the curtain , I saw a man emerge from the car and run at her , his arms in the air . OH SHIT . Buy the time I got out the front door , shouting at Nipper Knapp to call 911 , she had driven down the dead end below our house , and they had ( I thought ) , trapped her , in her car , I heard a crash . OH MY GOD THEY ARE TRYING TO KILL MY MOTHER . This is what my brain must have thought . I don 't know , because I was too busy saying " oh fuck , oh fuck , oh fuck " and calling the police , to know what I was thinking . I called the police too , because sometimes they don 't pick up 911 from a cell phone for a very long time . I ran out into the street , the men were still in front of the house , but then , I couldn 't see what was happening , as they followed my mom down the hill , below our garden wall . I knew one of them was out of the car , and so I started shouting " THE POLICE ARE ON THEIR WAY " , over and over . I guess I wanted them to leave , to drive off . I wanted to get them away from my mom . When I got past the wall , I saw that my mom had pulled into a tiny driveway , and the men had driven past her and were now blocked in by a big grey truck . A good samaritan ? My mom was getting out of her car . wtf . " RUN ! " I yelled at her . " GET BACK IN THE HOUSE ! " she yelled at me . Nipper said that when she came into the house she said " he has a gun " . I didn 't hear this because I was too busy being nonsensical to the 911 operator . She kept asking for my address and I kept saying " please send them , they have my mom " . Oh , I hope Jim Rome doesn 't play that tape ever . Mortifying . Miraculously , both my and Nipper Knapp 's 911 calls went through , and the police arrived within minutes . For reasons unknown to us at the time , the men stayed down in the dead end , out of their cars . As if they hadn 't done anything wrong . We could see them down there . What was going on ? ! Well , it turns out they were suuuuuuuuper stoned . The guy with the gun , had waved it in the face of another neighbor as he ran past , and shouted at him to get back in his house . This neighbor , a young guy , asked the police if they were on pcp or something . " Nope , just pot " . REALLY ? Who gets high and acts like that ? And you make fun of us for pms ? Testosterone is a bitch . Ok , so the police come , they interview everyone . They arrest the guys for attempted carjacking , and assault with a vehicle . Are you kidding me ? As soon as I could ascertain that my mom was ok , once she was in the house , once the police where there , here is what I thought : " I am NEVER going to hear the end of this " . That 's how fast it happened . Within 5 minutes of being TERRIFIED , that some guys were trying to kill my mom , I was rolling my eyes , saying " ok WHATEVER " . I was still shaking . My bones were shaking , a sign from my body that it was time to run , but my brain had gained back control , and that 's when the shit show really began . Carjacking ? Meh , throw down between me and my mom ? ATOMIC . Nipper went down to get my mother 's car . She was watching out the window , and I was pacing back and forth babbling like an idiot . Don 't you wish you could tell me to shut up right now ? She was telling me what happened , but I couldn 't even really hear what she was saying , because all I was thinking was " how can I keep her from what just happened ? " " How can I minimize this , so that I don 't have to hear about how this city isn 't safe FOREVER . " " Why did this happen to HER ? Why couldn 't it have happened to me ? " I would have taken it as a secret to my grave . " Nothing bad EVER happens here ! " " We live in PARADISE ! LOOK AT MY BAMBOO SOCKS ! " " Of course it 's not safe ! " I was shouting in my own head , " it 's a city ! " But this is what came out of my mouth : " in 14 years of living here I have never had anything like this happen ! Nothing ! " And then : " I just find it amazing that you are here 1 week , and of course this happens to YOU " . She walked right out the front door . Nothing like blaming the victim , while their still at the scene of the crime . Don 't worry , Nipper Knapp informed me immediately that I am in fact the world 's biggest asshole , and I apologized . But you know I was in fight or flight baby ! I had to excise my demons ! Had to dump the adrenaline on someone ! Had to try to shape the current events to match my world view . Had to keep my mom from saying " I told you so " AT ALL COSTS . Whoopsy tootsie ! In the last 24 hours , my mother has heard every different side of the story from several neighbors . My neighborhood is super gossipy , I can 't imagine what they say about us , and I give them NOTHING . I 'm convinced , we 'll never know what really happened . One side says that the guys had smashed into the guy in the grey truck on their way up the hill and they were trying to escape his wrath , when they met my mother 's car coming down the hill . Which explains the engine revving , tires squealing , panicked escape from vehicle , and gun waving ( no it doesn 't explain that , but . . . ) . They weren 't trying to car jack my mom , they were trying to get past my mom . But then why 'd they follow her into the dead end ? They were super stoned . The crash we heard was not them smashing into her car . They smashed into something else . I don 't actually know what . Or maybe the grey truck crashed into them . They were super high . Did they even see my mom ? Apparently when the cops asked them in they were high , they were just like " uh yeeeeah " . Again this from a game of telephone amongst my neighbors . When I ran out on the street shouting " the police are on their way " the grey truck apparently drove off , maybe had something to hide . But today , the other neighbor who called 911 , said the driver of the truck pounded on his door and said to call 911 , so why then , did he leave before they got there . I didn 't see him drive off , because I was in my dining room , hugging my mom , shaking , and about to say something really regrettable . So that happened . But then I had a glass of wine , and the next morning , the neighbors who also called the police , brought my mom a very nice bottle of Cuban Rum , with a note reminding her that " LA has lots of nice people " . My mom and Charlie went for a long walk , they had a swing in the breezeway . We 've turned the whole thing over and over , pulling out every detail to debate it 's merit . I 'm ready to let it pass . Our life is busy , and I have things to do . Everything keeps going , the sky is so blue , and the mountains are so clear . Why are some of the most beautiful days the ones before or after disaster . So yeah , someone waved a gun at my mom , the neighbors talk about you behind your back , and there 's a T - mobile billboard at the bottom of the hill that just says " SIN " in big pink letters because it 's en español . But hey , say it with me " IT ' S NOT COMPTON ! A little bit ago I mentioned a website called The Man Repeller . It 's a cute girl who works in fashion , whose clothes choices , are all things that girls LOVE , and men hate . You have to go to the site to see what I 'm talking about , but I experience this with Nipper Knapp all the time . The first " infraction " , I incurred was wearing uggs with mini skirts when we were first married . " This makes no sense ! " he would exclaim . " It 's warm enough for a skirt , but then you 're wearing big wooly muckalucks . You think this looks cute . It doesn 't . " He can pry my uggs from my cold dead feet . Motherhood has gone ahead and taken my mini skirts . They 're still in the closet , because I can 't bear to think I 'm * gasp * too old for them , but , they haven 't been touched in years . Then came the Luke Skywalker boots . I actually had these in two iterations . The first was a cheap pair from Target . They were sandy suede mid calf boots with a zipper , and had suede buckle straps all around them . I also wore these with mini skirts . For this infraction he 'd greet me at the door with a " Hi honey , how was your trip to Tatooine today ? " Stupid man . For my birthday three years ago Nipper 's mother upgraded my Tatooine boots to a pair of Fiorentini and Baker boots from Barney 's . ( I love this woman ) I don 't get to wear these enough because I have kids , and you actually have to buckle the buckles ( 3 per boot ) and who has time to do that , or the flexibility to bend over while holding Andre the Giant baby . I know there are other fashion things I do that make Nipper roll his eyes . There was a beautiful cream YA - YA trench coat I got at a sample sale at the house of the Billion Dollar Babes founder . It had a giant cowl neck , and all kind of complicated buttons and a belt . GORGEOUS . It made me feel like Diane Keaton in a Nancy Meyers movie . He hates it . Ok , I blocked their faces to protect identities , but these two beauties are an example of the difference between men and women . One is a man repeller , and one is not . The other day we were waiting at an audition space in Santa Monica . This girl walked in , and as she passes in front of us , both staring I say " oh COME ON " . To which he says " you see ? ! " She was gorgeous . She looked like Naomi Watts , all wind tousled , and wearing some drapey outfit with a short skirt , and layered tops , and suede knee boots , and a big boho bag . She was the effortless beauty every girl aspires too . That 's what my " oh come on " meant , like , she 's perfect , stop looking . But Nipper 's " you see ? ! " meant something entirely different . He thought she looked RIDICULOUS . He was like why 'd she have to ruin being cute , with that horrible outfit . And then he asked where she was hiding her light saber , and if she left the window cracked for the Jawas she left in the car . DUDES ! About 5 minutes later another girl walked by . This time we both just stared . Her legs were 14 feet tall . She was the closest thing to a giraffe I 've ever seen in person . She was wearing shorts , a simple blouse , and great shoes . On this we can agree , if you have legs like that , you can wear whatever you want . Sigh . The other day I saw these jackets at American Rag . The first one is amazing . Perfectly broken in , buttery soft . Ironic patches , nehru collar . I had one just like it in high school . I think it had a Misfits skull painted on the back . It 's a terrible picture , and you can 't really see , but the second one is navy blue . You also can 't see that it 's $ 2000 . They were both $ 2000 . I think this would be the perfect thing to remind me that I was once cool , and can still be , if only I had $ 2000 laying around to spend on a jacket , I 'd be embarrassed to wear to pre - k drop off . . . with my mini skirt and skywalker boots . That 's all I 've got for today . Oh except this . I got these gold safety pin earrings made for me last year , by the a goldsmith , who is a friend of a stylist we work witPosted by Ok , here 's MY book club proposal . Only mom 's and singles with very little energy can be asked to join . No go - getters , or people with " big plans " . The meetings will rotate from each persons house each month , meet at a park , coffee house , or pre - school parking lot . The meetings will last anywhere from 15 minutes to 3 hours depending on nap time . No new books will be read . As a matter of fact no reading will be required at all . At the beginning of each meeting someone will start by saying " hey did you ever read ______ " and name a book they read in college / high school / before death and taxes were everything . Then people will either say yes , or no . Everyone can say " I loved that book , it really changed my view of ________ " or " oh I always meant to read that , but never got around to it " , or " I picked it up 5 times over the last 15 years , but can 't get past page 7 . " Then we 'd all order a round of drinks , and move on to complaining about the following topics : Kids , schools , husbands , sex , other moms , other kids , in - laws , own mother , fat , vaccines , and most importantly " those people " . After that people can quietly excuse themselves as their ability to put together any more thoughts or sentences for the day are exhausted . The host will be left feeling edified , and a tiny bit triumphant , and will sleep like a baby . . . when they get a minute I was telling Nipper Knapp that I don 't like some of the things Jack has been doing lately . Not behaviors , he 's great . Activities . The usual mom complaints . Too much tv , too much ipad , mostly just too much time inside . He asked what I 'd rather he be doing , to which I replied immediately , " read a book , ride a bike , play in his tree house , run outside and not come back until I call for dinner , get dirty , CATCH FROGS ! " He said " ok " . But before he could mock me I said " I know , I want him to be a boy in 1953 , I get it . " I have no illusions about the world we live in . I have my nose buried in an iphone , ipad , imac , half the time . I write a mom blog . I make a living selling things on tv . The irony is not lost on me . But sometimes I wish I could just take my boys to a compound near the sea and raise them , just like they do in the wild . You 'll notice I didn 't say the country . I don 't want to live in the country . Because you know , there 's other people in " the country " . People with opinions about things . What I want is a solitary life where they can climb rocks , and swim in the ocean , and ponder the vastness of the universe without some local crumb bum filling their mind with thoughts about stuff . I want my boys to be filled with curiousity and wanderlust , oh and an undying love for their mama . is that too much to ask ? I used to be a single girl in San Francisco , and after that , a single girl in LA , before that I was a baby in Michigan . But then I met Nipper Knapp . We played guitars and smoked cigarettes ( me for real , Nipper Knapp not so much ) , and listened to Wilco , and took pictures , and laughed at each others jokes , and travelled all over , and then we had a BABY . After the initial shock of our lives being rocked like a Scorpion song , we 've settled into a new set of wildly entertaining endeavors , that I think the world needs to know about . So who is Mrs . Nipper Knapp ? A photographer , an actor , a dancer , a dreamer , a doer , a butcher , a baker , a candlestick maker . Actually I 'm a really sarcastic shell of a person , who can barely contain my disdain for my fellow man . I 'm a real people person . I sell stuff on tv . I love weddings . I like to embroider pillowcases , and grow corn in my backyard , and eat tacos . I 'm obsessed with midcentury design , and lots of other things that white people are into . I 'm a midwesterner living in Los Angeles , and I 'm never going back . Except Christmas and Summer . I 'm a Christmas and Easter midwesterner . Did I mention I grow corn . . . |
Wondering about a pay site before you join ? The Editor dives head first into the sea of spanking web pages and gives an honest review of each one he comes across . Do they deliver what they promise ? READ MORE ! During my university years I lived in a house shared with four other people . Myself and four girls . I know to some this may sound like a young guy 's dream come true , but trust me when I tell you this , sometimes it wasn 't . I quickly found out that girls can sometimes be very difficult to live with . Who would have thought ? Girls are neat , more mature , and don 't cause any trouble right ? Wrong ! Some are and some aren 't . Unfortunately I wound up with a couple that would sometimes put the rest of the house through hell . But before I go on , let me give you a little bit of background to this story . My parents owned the house , and although some might think it must have been a small mansion to have five bedrooms , it was really quite small . It was originally a 3 bedroom house with a fourth bedroom added above the attached garage by the previous owners , which I took as my room . The fifth bedroom was actually just a small den , or " sewing room " as my mom used to call it , that my dad expanded slightly to put in a closet . It did have a big living room and a good size kitchen , and thankfully it had two full bathrooms . My parents were close to retiring , so they bought a small condo by the lake and decided to keep this house and rent it out for some extra income . Since it was close to the university I attended , I convinced them to let me rent out the rooms , and in turn they would get more money than if they tried to rent out the whole house . My parents warned me not to rent out the rooms to a bunch of guys that just wanted to party because they were afraid they would wreck the place . So after my best friend Josh moved in , I put up an ad advertising the remaining rooms for females only . Problem solved ! I received lots of calls the first week , and in no time had all the remaining rooms rented to three young females : Judy , a Psychology Major , and Robin and Stephanie who were both studying Business / Finance . Things went great at the beginning . Everyone kept the place clean , we shared the cooking , no one got drunk and did anything stupid , and we all got along perfectly fine from day one . I was hesitant at first because I was leaning towards getting another guy to move in instead . Someone I could drink beer with , play video games with , and talk about guy shit with . I figured having three girls in the house was enough already , but four might be too much and leave me feeling a little alienated if you know what I mean . However Robin kept insisting that her friend would be perfect , and the real deal clincher came when she told me Tracy loved video games ! I thought that was close enough to being a guy to me , so I told her to bring Tracy by so everyone could meet her , and if we all thought she would be a good fit she could have the room . A few days later we were introduced to Tracy and everyone instantly took a liking to her . Like Robin , she was very petite standing at just 5 ft tall , and had the most beautiful hair I had ever seen . It was long , black and a little wild looking . . like a mix between something a model in a magazine would have , and rock & roll type hair . After a quick meeting we all agreed she was cool , and I told her she could move in as soon as she wanted . Things went well for the first couple months , and it turned out Tracy also loved to cook and would make us the most amazing dinners on occasion . She would also kick my ass on a regular basis playing video games , and she liked the same type of music I did . Often we would find ourselves staying up late quietly listening to Pink Floyd while the others slept . However after several months passed a few problems started to come up . Robin and Tracy started getting into little fights . At first the fights were over stupid girl things , like using the other one 's makeup , borrowing clothes , and taking too long in the bathroom . What started out as a few loud words exchanged , quickly turned into all out screaming matches . The fights never came to actual blows , but sometimes they would pick things up and slam them down hard to make their point . This left everyone else in the house extremely frustrated , since the fights would usually occur when I was not home to break them up , leaving Judy and Stephanie to suffer in silence . At first I sat them both down and discussed the situation with them in a calm , cool manner . That would settle things down temporarily and things would return to normal with everyone happy . Remember that these two were actually best friends ! But then a few weeks would pass and there would be another fight , and I would sit down and talk with them again . A few weeks or a month later there would be another , and I quickly found myself losing patience . The calm talks I used to have turned into me screaming at both of them . Finally it got to the point where I told them that if this crap continued , both of them would have to find a new place to live . I didn 't want to have to give this ultimatum , yet I had to think of the other girls living in the house too . They were making our lives a living hell , and it was approaching finals so we all had some major studying to do which became impossible when these two went on the warpath . I thought my final talk with them did the trick and things were peaceful for a little over a month . . until one afternoon when I walked in the door , a full blown fight was in progress . Judy and Stephanie both sighed and told me Robin and Tracy had been at it for the past half hour . My heart sunk as I knew I had an important decision to make . " Well it 's not like you didn 't warn them or anything . " Judy said , " I mean they 've both been given lots of chances . I just really wish there was some other way . " " That 's not what I meant , Jake . I said beat their asses . That 's what my mom used to do when my sister and I would get into big fights . If I was still living at home I bet she wouldn 't hesitate to put us over her knee . " " You mean spank them ? " I asked , " Yea no thanks , I don 't want to go to jail and be locked up for being a creep . And besides , Tracy may be tiny , but I bet it would take three strong guys to be able to spank that girl . She 's a tough little thing ! " " Yes Jake , believe it or not I was spanked . True I hated it at the time , not so much because of the pain but because I felt like I let my parents down . It was also very embarrassing having to go over my mom or dad 's knee . " " Well look , I don 't know what to do . " I said , " I love these girls to death and I don 't want to see them go , but at the same time if I spank them , I am the one that is going to look like a creep . Everyone will think I did it for a cheap thrill or something . " " Jake , believe it or not these girls look up to you and trust you . " Stephanie said , " I trust you too . If that was me in their position I would understand why you were doing it and take my licks . " " Really ? OK how about this . . I will go and talk to them and give them two options : Either they have to move out , or take a spanking . . from you ! " I said as I pointed directly at Stephanie , " I 'll wait in another room while you . . " " No way Jake . " she replied , " It has to be done by you . It 's your house , your rules , you are the man and the head of this household . And besides , I don 't want to spank another girl 's bare butt . " " She 's right " Stephanie said , " A few weeks ago it was my friends birthday , and we all took turns giving her birthday spankings over her jeans . She was laughing the whole time ! You have to make this a punishment they will remember , so it needs to be felt . Getting it on their bare ass will be embarrassing , but at least they will know you mean business . " With all these thoughts flowing through my head it felt like my brain was going to explode . How did I get myself into this mess ? Maybe I should just give them one final chance , that would solve everything . . kinda . Well at least temporary until they got into another fight . No ! I have to do something . It 's not fair to everyone else living here . What should I do ? I need to do something ! Suddenly it dawned on me . Maybe I was getting a little ahead of myself . What if I give them the choice and they both decide to leave ? I would be sad to see them go , but at least I won 't have to spank them . " OK " I said , " I will go talk to them and give them the ultimatum . They will probably tell me to fuck off and choose to leave , but . . in the odd chance they decide to take a spanking , how do I do it ? I mean I 've never spanked anyone before . " " Jake relax ! " Stephanie said , " You look so nervous and your turning this into a bigger deal than it really is . It 's not like your going to chop off their hands or something . Just put them over your knee and spank them . It 's not rocket science ! " " Just make it straight to the point . Say , ' Let 's get this over with ' , and then tell her to take down her pants and underwear and get over your knee . " Judy calmly explained . " No not take off , take down ! " Stephanie said , " There 's a difference . If you tell her to take to them off , that will seem creepy and she might think you are doing this just to see her naked . So instead just tell her to take her pants and panties down to her knees . Oh , and when she 's doing so , sort of look the other way to give her a little privacy instead of staring at her girly parts . " " Because she will be going over you right knee and you will be spanking her with your right hand . Don 't worry it will all make sense in a moment . Stephanie , you play the part of the spanked girl . " " He needs to know what to expect , Stephanie . How about you just take down your jeans ? C ' mon it 's not like Jake hasn 't seen all of us in some form of undress before . " " Fine . . Jake you owe us both dinner for the help were giving you on this one ! " , Stephanie said as she unbuttoned her jeans and slid them down to her knees , revealing a skimpy red thong . She went to place herself over my lap when Judy stopped her . " Will you guys get on with it . I almost forgot how embarrassing it is to be over a knee with my ass up in the air ! " Stephanie pleaded . " Alright Steph . " Judy replied . " Jake place your left hand on Stephanie 's back to keep her in place . You don 't have to grab her , just rest it on her back . " " Perfect . " Judy continued , " Now , this would be the time to give her one last lecture if that is something you want to do . You know . . the old , ' I 'm sorry I have to do this . . this will hurt me more than you . ' blah blah blah . My parents would always give me a lecture right before they spanked me . " " Great , now let 's move on to the spanking . So what you want to do is just raise your hand up with your fingers together and bring it down on Stephanie 's bottom . Use a little bit of force but not as hard as you can . " " Don 't worry Jake , " Judy said , " Girls have plenty of padding back there . We 're not as delicate as you might think . Remember this is a punishment , so you have to make sure she feels it or you will just be wasting your time . " " Now give her about 5 more to practice . Don 't just hit the same cheek . Try to alternate so her whole butt gets equal attention . " Judy said . I was quickly understanding the concept . . and Judy was right , it wasn 't rocket science . I had to be firm but not cruel . Hard enough to get the girls attention so they would feel it , but not so hard that they would need ice packs on their bums for the rest of the day . What would they think after it was over ? Would they hate me ? Probably . But maybe I am getting a little ahead of myself again . When I give them the choice they will probably choose to leave , right ? No they won 't . I saw the looks in their eyes after the last fight when I told them they would be kicked out if they fought again . They knew I was serious and I could tell it would be devastating for each of them if they had to leave . It 's not that I would force them out on to the street . I would never do that no matter what . I would give them time to find a new place , and there were lots of other rooms for rent in town , just not as close to the university . They both could also move back in with their parents , but again they lived further away . I just want to make it clear that they would not be homeless and forced to live under a bridge . I was angry at both of them . Not just for the fighting , but for forcing me to make this decision . Forcing me to do something that will probably destroy our friendship . It should never have come to this and it 's their fault that it did . Why did they have to be so selfish , and why couldn 't they just grow up and put their differences aside ? Stephanie got up off my lap and pulled up her jeans , and I told her and Judy that I was ready to talk to the girls and tell them the choice they have to make . Either move out , or a spanking . I asked if they could both be present if the girls chose the spanking , as I figured Robin and Tracy would probably feel more comfortable with other women present compared to me being alone with them in the bedroom . They agreed and said they would wait in the living room while I talked with the girls . " I said not one word ! Both of you will be quiet and both of you will listen . I don 't care who started the fight , who did what to who or any other bullshit . It takes two to argue and each of you are to blame . I can honestly say the rest of us in this house have been extremely patient with you guys . I 've tried talking to you , reasoning with you , screaming at you , and finally warning you that if there was one more fight both of you would have to leave . And what did you do ? You took my kindness and the kindness of Judy and Stephanie , and threw it right back in our face . Enough is enough ! " As they sat on the bed I could see tears starting to swell up in Robin 's eyes , while Tracy had her head down the whole time looking ashamed . This was it . Judgment day . The day something needed to be done , and it needed to be done now . " Here 's the deal . You two have a choice to make and it will probably be a difficult one . First I want to say that I love both of you to death , and there is nothing I want more than for both of you to stay living here . I consider you great friends , and in the short time I 've known you we 've been through a lot together . A lot of good times , some not so go , but for the most part you are two great girls . " " Here are your choices . Choice number one . Both of you will have to find a new place to stay , and I will give you a month to do so . I 'm not going to kick you out in the middle of the night , and I will offer you any help I can in finding you a new place . You might not be able to find a place this close to the university , but I checked online and there are lots of rooms for rent just a little further away . " " Choice number two . I will put each of you over my knee , with your pants and underwear taken down , and give you the spanking of your young lives . Not some playing around fun spanking either . A real spanking , on your bare ass , and it will hurt . If you choose this option it can be done in front of the other girls so you don 't think I 'm doing this for my kicks . And before I go on , I just wanted to say that if I didn 't care about both of you so much I wouldn 't even give you the second option , I would have just kicked you out without a second thought . " " Me too . " Robin added , " I want to stay here , Jake . I 'm sorry for all the trouble we caused . I 'm sorry for letting you down and acting like a bitch sometimes . " she said , as a tear rolled down her cheek . " I 'm sorry too , Jake . " Tracy said , " I bet this has been really hard on you , and you didn 't deserve it . You 've always been very fair when it comes to everything . We weren 't taking advantage of your kindness . . we were just acting like two stupid idiots . " I didn 't know what to say at first . In a way I was shocked , not so much because the agreed to be spanked but more because it seemed they understood things from my point of view . I didn 't want to spank them because I was angry or wanted to hurt them or get back at them for all the grief they caused . I needed to spank them so they could stay . " I 'll take my spanking now if it 's OK " Tracy said , " I would just like to get it over with . But please . . please Jake . . don 't spank me in front of everyone ! It would be so humiliating to be spanked in from of the other girls , especially on my bare ass . " " OK I won 't do it in front of the other girls , we can do it here . But I will leave the door open . Deal ? " " Until you think they learned a lesson , honey . " Judy whispered back , " Their butts should be red . . actually more like a dark pink . And they might cry but don 't let that stop you . Spank them for at least a couple minutes . " Once back in the room I wasted no time in getting things started . I figured the longer we dragged things on , the worse it would be on all of us . The girls were still sitting on the bed quietly and just stared at me with big sad eyes as I entered . Robin looked the most nervous , so I thought it would be best to start with her first to spare her the dread of what was to come . She hesitated for a moment and then began to unbutton her jeans and unzip her fly . As she went to slide her pants down , I remembered Judy telling me not to stare as the girls bared their butts , so I casually looked away until I knew she had taken them down and was ready to go over my knee . Thankfully Robin was wearing a long t - shirt that covered her front when I looked back at her . Robin was petite at a little over 5 feet tall and couldn 't have weighed more than 95 pounds , so she had a small little ass . I thought about giving her the quick lecture like Judy and Stephanie had advised , but things were moving so quickly that I had no idea what to say . So without any warning I began the spanking . The first smack made a nice sound but I noticed her bottom barely moved from the swat . Thinking back to my lesson with Stephanie , I decided to spank her a little harder for the second one . There was still barely any movement but Robin did let out a little yelp in pain . Again I spanked her a little harder , but again her bottom hardly moved . It was the same slight jiggle . I kept increasing the severity until the 7th or 8th swat until it finally dawned on me . . Robin is very fit , takes dancing classes and is a former ballerina . . she is not going to have a lot of jiggle ! Oops ! I almost felt like apologizing for spanking her harder than I should have , but I didn 't want it to seem like I had no idea what I was doing so I just adjusted the severity and continued to spank at a steady pace . Robin 's yelps turned to cries after about twenty spanks , and I began to second guess myself again . Her little butt was already turning a darker shade of pink , but I had only been spanking her for under a minute . Should I stop ? No ! This is a punishment and it is supposed to hurt , right ? I did try to even out the placement of the spanks however , so I wasn 't hitting the exact same spot twice in a row , but if there was a difference Robin wasn 't showing it . At the one minute mark , her cries from each swat had now changed to non - stop bawling . I told myself I would just give her another 20 or so and that would be it . This was a lot tougher than I thought it would be . I had prepared myself for the spanking , but was not prepared for all the tears and crying . When it was finally over I expected Robin to jump up and rub her little behind , but instead she continued to cry while laying completely limp over my lap . I felt terrible but at the same time I knew it was something that had to be done . Her bottom looked like it was glowing and I was so tempted to rub it , not to be a creep but to make her feel a little better . Instead I just rubbed her back while she sobbed and waited until she was ready to get up without rushing her . After Robin had pulled up her jeans she went over to the bed and instead of sitting , laid face down across it . Now it was Tracy 's turn , and I was hoping things would be a little easier with her . I looked in Tracy 's direction , and without being told she stood up and came to my side and began to take down her jeans . Again without being told Tracy went over my lap , but in a slightly different way than Robin . She place her hands on my left thigh and then gently lowered herself down . I am not going to lie . In front of me was the most beautiful ass I had ever seen in my young life . Coupled with the way she touched my thigh and the fact that she was basically laying over my manhood did not help matters either . My dick instantly sprung to life without giving me a say in the matter , and my thoughts quickly turned to what Tracy would think of me if I didn 't bring him under control , and fast . An old trick I learned to get my mind off of something arousing and to subdue an erection was to think about hockey . It worked , at least for now , and I was able to concentrate on the matter at hand . Tracy was petite like Robin , yet definitely had stronger curves and her bottom was way more rounded . I had always been attracted to her , and I knew she had a nice ass , but I was used to seeing her in tight jeans and yoga pants . . not bare over my lap ! I resisted the urge to stare at the beauty before me , even though I knew I wouldn 't be caught since Robin was still face down on the bed with her head buried into a pillow , while Tracy 's eyes were focused on the floor in front of her . I wanted to go easier on Tracy not because I was a little closer to her than Robin , but mainly because I knew most of the fights were actually started by Robin . Then again that wouldn 't be right . Since I was punishing both girls for their actions , both should be punished equally and fairly . Placing my left hand on Tracy 's black lace top , I raised my right and brought it down firmly on her behind . There was no need to make any adjustments this time , as a sharp clap was heard and her bottom danced under my palm . As I continued the spanking Tracy made no sound , not even a peep , but I didn 't second guess myself . She was trying to show me how tough she was by not crying like a baby , but I knew she was feeling it . Each time my hand connected with her bare bottom , her whole body shook like she had just received a small jolt of electricity . After ten swats a faint pinkness started to appear on both cheeks , and after twenty firm spanks the color darkened considerably . My emotions started to get the better of me again . Even though Tracy was not crying like Robin did , it didn 't change the fact that I knew I was making a friend suffer through pain . My friend that I played video games with was over the knee getting spanked . . by me . Would she ever forgive me for this ? Would we now be enemies or no longer as close ? Probably . There was nothing I could do about that now . The one minute mark had passed and I continued spanking without missing a beat . Her silence was now broken , for with each spank she let out a hiss between her clenched teeth . Tracy 's beautiful bare bottom was now matching the dark pink that Robin 's ass had just displayed moments earlier . The way it jiggled with each firm smack was almost hypnotizing , and I couldn 't draw my eyes away from it even for a second . Like Robin , she didn 't quickly leap off my lap , but instead just exhaled a long breath . . sort of like a sigh of relief . She laid there appearing exhausted , with her fiery bottom on display begging to be soothed , and it took all my willpower to resist the temptation of rubbing it . I felt like I needed to say something , but I couldn 't think of the words . We had all been through quite the experience together , and at this point I didn 't think it was right to say any more about the subject . They have both been punished and now it 's over . No more needs to be said . After about 30 seconds , Tracy got up off my lap like a film being played in reverse , with her hands placed on my thighs and pushing up . She was in no rush to pull up her pants , first taking a few seconds to move her long hair away from her face , and then looking over at Robin still face down on the bed . I casually glanced away again as she bent over and pulled up her thong and jeans that had made their way down almost to her ankles . " Because I feel terrible . " I said , " It hurt me that I had to spank both of you . It was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life . I hope you guys understand . " " Honestly Jake " Tracy said , " I have way more respect for you now than I ever did . And trust me when I tell you this , I had a lot of respect for you before . We both got something we probably have been needing for a long time . Please forgive me . " " She 's right . " Robin said , " We have ourself to blame , not you . You spanked us because you cared , and I don 't hate you for that . " We all exchanged a group hug , and I had the two girls hug each other and promise never to fight again . If they ever have a disagreement again they can sit down and talk about it like adults , or just leave each other alone until they both calm down and then talk about it . Amazingly enough that event had brought us all closer together , not pushed us apart . We started doing things together more often and were more like a tight - knit family than just a bunch of friends sharing a home . A month later I came down with a very bad case of the flu and was bedridden for almost a week , and it was Tracy and Robin who looked after me constantly during that time . Tracy would bring me her home made soup , and often I would fall asleep on the sofa with my head in her lap . And Robin would tutor me in bed so I would pass some important assignments during that time . Judy and Stephanie used to joked with me that if I would have spanked them as well , they would probably received better grades at school . I never did of course , but I sometimes wonder if they were serious . Even after we finished school , and years later after we moved on our separate ways , I still see all the girls on a semi - regular basis . In fact we all got together recently at my new home for dinner this past weekend , and my wife made a very nice dinner for all of us . My wife Tracy is still an excellent cook , and still kicks my ass playing video games . |
Can you believe that 2007 is almost over ? ! What an incredible journey we experienced this year through adoption . It is amazing to me to think about what all we did in 2007 . We had a wonderful year and we are planning on another great year in 2008 . The boys and I sang " It 's going to be great in 2008 ! " as we strolled through our favorite mall , Discover Mills , today . I clearly remember us spending our first day in 2007 at that mall , so we decided that there couldn 't be a better way to spend the last day 2007 . When we were there on the first day of the year I clearly remember CJ and I just still in the " talking stage " of adoption . And today we were living out our dream as we enjoyed all THREE of our kids enjoying the day hanging out together . Shelby was playing a " kissing " game with the boys tonight and really showing out playing with them finally nicely in the living room . CJ said can you believe that this would have been possible one month ago ? Remember that just one month ago Shelby would hit or pinch or bite the boys if they were in swiping range of her . And then tonight she was so giggly and just begging for more and more attention from the boys . She has changed so much in such a short time . She is adjusting so well and has begun really attaching to us . Oh how I love our family ! Wanted to send out a special wish to my boss today who is in New York getting married . You can check out his wedding site here . I wish I could have been there , but considering that Shelby would of had to have gone with us , the costs involved just didn 't make sense . I am sure they had a lovely wedding and I wish them well . Vince deserves all the happiness He can dish out . If it weren 't for all of his support this past year during our adoption process , Shelby being here would have not been possible . I am truly grateful to him for being such a great boss and giving me such a great job . Yeah , it sounds like I am sucking up , but I really do mean all of that ! So Happy Wedding Day to the Vinman : ) We have been busy around here just trying out some of the indoor play places around for the last few days . We started out on Thursday hanging out at Gymboree with Sheridan . Kim was nice enough to invite my 3 to join them for their free open house on Thursday - FUN and FREE what a great combination . We then went to Monkey Joes on Friday for some play time . It was so much fun watching Shelby run around with the boys acting like she had been on those jumpy things her whole life . It is so hard to believe that this kid was on the other side of the world just 2 months ago . She acts like she has been one of my kids forever . She absolutely loved playing on all that stuff . So since she had so much fun yesterday , we went over to Kangaroo Bobs today for some play time . Again she enjoyed every minute . The boys love to go too so it looks like we have found the perfect thing to do on cold or rainy days to get some of that energy out of my 3 . I spent Friday morning at the Social Security office since I recently received that wonderful COC ( Certificate of Citizenship ) . It wasn 't too bad , I only waited about an hour . The procedure was pretty painless actually . We are going to be very excited to get that little number that will give us back alot of money on our taxes . You see we will get back a reimbursement of $ 11 , 390 for our adoption expenses . T1 comments We had the best Christmas ever . We had a busy Christmas Eve that started with breakfast at McDs with our favorite boy - Sheridan , and of course his parents too ; ) Then we were off to Granny 's for a big Christmas luncheon , then home to bake our traditional Christmas Eve dinner - lasagna . CJ 's parents joined us here at home for the lasagna and of course the presents ! We let the kids all open up one gift from us . Caleb got the infamous MP3 player or as he would like to call it his iPod . Travis got a CD player too and Shelby got the fanciest little pink trike in the neighborhood ( courtesy of her daddy who obviously doesn 't have a Christmas budget to adhere too ! ) We all had a great Christmas Eve . Then of course the next day we woke up to a living room full of toys from that big guy in the red suit . The kids must of been really good this year : ) We were soon visited by the breakfast fairy ( Nana ) and had a great morning at home playing with all the good stuff . Best of all we were visited by lots of people who love us . . . Nana , my aunt Julia , Betty , Frank , Sheila , Scott , Blake , and Austin . I can 't think of a better way to spend Christmas morning that surrounded by my family and friends ! We finished up the day with Christmas dinner at my dad 's where we were showered with more and more presents and more and more family and friends . Travis picked up a new big kid bicycle , Caleb got the long awaited for Guitar Hero III , and Shelby received a fancy pink PowerWheel ( now what else did you expect Papa and Grandma to get her ) . I received lots and lots of photo albums to finally have a place to put all our China pics . And CJ got a gift card to his favorite man store - Harbor Freight . We had lots of fun and needless to say the kids were jumping for joy all day with excitement ( or maybe it was the sugar ) , fun fun fun ! Once we were back at home and settling down for bed , I received the best present of the day . I always lay down in Shelby 's bed with her at night until she falls asleep . Well last night as she was settling down and covering herself2 " While they were there , the time came for the baby to be born , and she gave birth to her first born , a son . She wrapped Him in cloths and placed Him in a manger , because there was no room for them in the inn . And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby , keeping watch over their flocks at night . An angel of the Lord appeared to them , and they were terrified . But the angel said to them , " Do not be afraid . I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all people . Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you ; he is Christ the Lord . " - Luke 2 : 6 - 11 Shelby let us all experience our first little tea party today . She was so cute getting out all her little cups and saucers and of course the tea kettle to pour us all our pretend tea . It was really sweet and something that this house full of boys has never experienced . I am sure this was the first of many many more tea parties to come . I welcome them all ! I will have to whip out the camera for our next one though - I completely forgot to take pics as I was enjoying my tea too much . So here is a quick pic of a happy little family of FIVE ! ! We have been in full Christmas Spirit enjoying our friends and family this time of year . Yesterday the kids and I headed out to 3rd Friday early in the day so we would miss the traffic . We went to our favorite mall Discover Mills to hang out until 3rd Friday was to begin . Well it turned out that my friend Lucy was nice enough to call me as soon as she discovered that 3rd Friday had been cancelled . Oh well here is where good friends pay off . . . Lucy invited us on over to her house to enjoy a visit with her family and Ellen even joined us with little Frannie . This was a nice surprise visit for Lucy to accommodate us all on such short notice . She has a beautiful home that is all decked out for Christmas . She even served us snacks and fresh baked cookies . Who knew she was an undiscovered Martha Stewart ? ! Needless to say if was a great ending to a fun day I got to spend with my kids and friends . Oh and by the way , I managed great with all 3 kids yesterday at the mall , etc . all by myself . I finally broke down a bought a new ( or gently used ) stroller so that I could manage a little better in the stores . It worked perfectly and the boys really did well so that I didn 't even have to yell or beat any of them at all the whole day ; ) Today I hosted our family Christmas party for my mom 's side of the family at my house . We had a great time and really got to enjoy my newly expanded living room ; ) Shelby did great considering that her house was filled with about 40 " strangers " in it . She even managed a little nap in the middle of the chaos . Everyone seemed to have a good time and enjoy our family get together . I know the kids really loved getting to play with all their cousins today . I am so excited that Shelby just seems to feel right at home and a part of her new family . Amazing that we are so blessed with all of children and family surrounding us . We wrapped up the evening with a little Mexican with my sister 's family at the local Mexican restaurant . I am loving the fact that Shelby loves to eat Mexican already . She can eat chees1 comments I just finally get the feeling that Shelby has accepted her new family . We have had a terrific week and I get the sense that Shelby is actually enjoying being home ! Well when I say home , I mean home with us . Not really being " home " because we are never at home ; ) Mom and Shelby are on the go all the time . She fits in perfectly with us ready to go anytime anywhere . I don 't like just sitting at home , so we are out and about all the time . Shelby seems to really enjoy being out and about as well , so that is a good thing . We had a playdate yesterday with Sheridan and Michelle at Hobby Town . Big fun ! As you can see from the pics , Sheridan is finally learning how to put Shelby in her place ; therefore , Shelby is learning how to play nicely more often ; ) Little Miss Shelby has had her own way for quite a while , and she is now learning that she doesn 't always get what she wants all the time . She is actually transitioning very well and starting to share much better now . She doesn 't even fight with her brothers as often now . She of course loves to pester them , but she doesn 't just hit for no reason anymore . Speaking of Shelby and her brothers , she hasn 't really become " attached " to them now . I can see a complete shift in her behavior and interaction with them . I think she might even really love them now ! She has been doing the sweetest little things this week when we are out shopping . If she sees something she wants , she will get one and then she always gets 2 more and says Caleb . . . Travis . Too cute ! When she pulled a boy toy off the shelf , I assumed she was getting that for her brothers too , but when I asked if it was for Caleb - she said no . Then I asked if it was for Travis - she said no . I asked her again what she was saying , and finally realized she was saying - Hong Hong . I said oh this is for Shelby , and she was so excited that I figured out what she was saying shaking her head a definite yes for Hong Hong . Too cute ! Shelby must have received presents of some sort in China , because she definitely knows how to unwrap them at 3 I am just loving all these cute little Christmas dresses I get to deck Shelby out in everyday . Needed to catch up on a showing you all some new pics . Oh I threw in one of Scott 's van that was totalled the other day . Amazing that he is alive and well ! Kim and I spent the other day visiting the Asian grocery stores and having another playdate . They posted some great pics of the event on their blog , click here to take a peek . We are actually having another playdate tomorrow since we have so much fun together . Lily and Michelle are going to be there too , yeah for friends ! We had a wonderful time today with all of our " Digit Friends " . We finally had 6 , 7 , 8 , and 9 together in person today at the mall . It was great seeing all of these girls who have come from across the world to now be all together with their forever families . We were quite a sight to see with these 4 little cutie pies running around at the mall . We even managed an awesome pic with Santa today . Thanks to Hope for Children for bringing these 4 babies home and bringing together 4 great families ! Here is our official Cyber Christmas Card for everyone . Merry Christmas to you all and wishing you the best year of your life . We have certainly had ours this year ! Thank you to everyone for all of your support and prayers for our family . We are truly blessed . Have a wonderful Christmas celebrating the birth of our Savior . Happy Birthday Jesus ! Shelby and I are getting in the groove of communication . She used some of her signs today to help me understand what she wants . This was the first time she has used the signs without me first prompting her to do so . I wish I could remember more signs as she really catches on quickly . I found this great site to help teach me more signs to use with her . She used the more sign and she can also say more , and she used the drink sign for me today . We had a good day again today , and she even seemed to like me the whole day ; ) We did a little shopping this morning and then she joined me at my company year end Christmas Luncheon . She was a perfect little companion during the entire meeting . Oh and she was too cute today in her little Christmas dress and hair bows . Have I mentioned about how much I am enjoying playing real life " dress - up " with my daughter ! ? ! I failed to take a pic today of her styling in her Christmas clothes , but I will get some tomorrow . The boys are going tomorrow with the Boy Scout group to sing at a local nursing home . This should be fun and festive and help show the boys what Christmas is all about - loving and helping others just as Christ does for us everyday . We hope to give out a few smiles tomorrow singing Christmas Carols for some people who may not get to see all of their own kids and grandkids singing this holiday season . I am sure Miss Shelby will be a big hit as well showing out her rockin dancing moves to the music : ) Have I mentioned lately how lucky I am to have my entire family surrounding us everyday ? ! I was just about brought to tears tonight as I sat in my chair holding all 3 of my fresh cleaned sweet smelling babies in my lap . My life is truly wonderful and I thank Him everyday for another day with my family . How did I ever get so blessed ? The Lord has done great things for us , and we are filled with JOY . - Psalm 126 : 3 It appears that our happy fun loving girl is back today ! Shelby is feeling much better and I am so happy to see her little personality back to normal . We had a busy day hanging out with Kim and Sheridan visiting the Asian markets looking for Wahahas . Unfortunately we did not find them , but we did get some cool snacks and noodles for the kids to enjoy . My little Shelby will just have to learn to live without those cool little drinks . Oh well , we tried . Kim and I enjoyed a lovely Mexican lunch while the kids enjoyed some true authentic Chinese that we picked up to go from the Asian market . Fun had by all . Hoping for some pics from Kim soon as I forgot my camera on this outing today . Enjoy the pics here as I knew it wouldn 't take long to turn my Chinese Princess into a cute little Southern Belle as she now really enjoys 4 - wheelin , YooHoos , and of course Collards ! ( yes , I said collard greens : ) I wrapped up tonight by enjoying a night out celebrating with my life long friend , Jen , as she has just graduated from college . Yes , I was childless for the event - woohoo . Shelby and the boys stayed with my mom for almost 3 hours tonight without any tears from any of them . . . progress for sure . PS - Update on the man that was in the accident with Scott yesterday . The final results of the investigation was that he had a heart attack and that is what caused the accident . Scott and Sheila met with some of his family members today and found out that he was only 52 . Very sad that his family will have to go on without him . Fortunately Scott came through with only a few minor injuries . We are counting our blessings for sure this holiday ! My brother in law was involved in a very serious car accident today that unfortunately ended another man 's life . The other man suddenly crossed the yellow line and hit Scott head on . Fortunately Scott is alive and generally doing OK . He was released from the hospital to see more docs tomorrow for his leg and shoulder . Scott of course , was way more concerned about the other person during this ordeal . As Scott was pinned inside his van , he had no choice but to witness first hand the end of the other man 's life . No one understands why this person suddenly lost control of his vehicle and crossed the yellow line , but they are going to try to figure that out . Scott did nothing wrong and unfortunately this will probably change him forever . However , I hope that he understands that we are all so very glad that he is OK and alive . So I go back to my title today . Stop right now and listen to your hearts and figure out who it is that you love today . Spend time with those people and be sure to let them know how much they mean to you . For no one knows what tomorrow might bring , live your life everyday thankful to have each person you love around you . We are so grateful to have Uncle Scott in our lives and we love him very much : ) I know I know , I have been slacking on the blogger end . However , my social life is busier than ever ! Shelby and I have just been having playdates after playdates and hanging out and really enjoying Mom 's time off from work ; ) We even attending our first Christmas party at Chris and Greg 's house on Saturday night . We did the norm church stuff on Sunday . Then we went Monday to this new cool place called The Coffee Park . We met with Lily , Sheridan , and Michelle for our big playdate . Unfortunately , Shelby still wasn 't feeling well so she slept through most of the playdate . But Mom had a great time chit chatting and socializing with these great women . So we left there and were off to the doctor where we received much needed antibiotics for Shelby 's whatever kind of cold thing she has . The doc also explained to me that until Shelby 's surgery to close her palate that I needed to understand that she would be sick alot more than " regular " kids . And for me to know that when she is sick with something that it will typically last double the amount of time than someone with a closed palate . So that let me feel better about the last week we have had ( I will explain in detail below ) . Anyway after the dr visit , we met up again with Sheridan at ChicFil @ and had another quick playdate and lunch . So fun had by all hanging out together all day . Today Shelby and I went shopping with her Aunt Sheila most of the day . We started at the mall , then Target , then Costco . Then we were off to Chinese lunch again ( Shelby is refusing most American food these days ) with my dad . Next we had Travis ' school conference where we learned that Travis is one smart 4 year old ! He is doing wonderfully at school and believe it or not is not even the " class clown " as his mother originally predicted ; ) Then we were off to Carol 's where Shelby actually got down and played with Carol for about an hour today - yeah ! Carol is going to be Shelby 's caretaker when I go back to work , so we are easing her into going to Carol 's house all this week . She will stay a few ho5 As you can see , Miss Shelby has finally come to trust her brother Travis . Even enough to let him cruize around the yard with her on his motorcycle . I think I will definately need to have a talk with her about who she just hops on a bike with in her future ; ) Well tonight we had the privilege of attending our First Friday group with Shelby finally able to attend in person instead of on a photo button ! We started the evening off sharing dinner with alot of the families that I feel like have become such a special part of this journey . Dinner was great and especially the part where we got to see pics of the new babies that will soon be joining our group . Bruce and Karen were finally matched with their new little one . Yeah another 2 year old to add to the group . Sheridan will soon have a little boy to play with since they are getting a BOY . It is so amazing to witness another family being able to have their dreams come true right before you . I can so remember how I felt to finally hold a picture of Shelby in my hands and be able to show her off to everyone . Next I finally got to see pics of Tymm and Laura 's ebaby - what a sweet little baby face ! He is only a month old and already has such a sparkle in his eyes . I can 't wait to get to squeeze on a LITTLE little one soon when they bring home this baby . It was a great dinner and fun to share such an exciting time with these families . We left from dinner and made it to First Friday . Shelby was of course dressed in her cute little Christmas dress for the big debut . Everyone was happy to see her finally home . We are so thankful to all the people from the group who have ever sent up a special prayer for our family . Dan said that it looks like we " won the lottery " - you bet we did ! Shelby is so perfect for our family and we would have never been united with her without all the connections that we made through this group . I have always spoken of the First Friday High that I would leave with every month , and this month it must of been the Ultimate High for me . There is just something about joining together with people who understand the need or urge or push or obsession or calling or whatever you want to call it - to adopt from China . I am so thankful to have this resource and be surrounded by these people who really " get it " . I titled t6 That 's right , can you believe that today we celebrate Shelby being officially in our family for one whole month . We are so blessed to have this precious human being in our family . Unfortunately she wasn 't feeling well today as she is having some ill effects from the shots she received this week . I felt so sorry for her all day since she was pitiful and not feeling herself . She is such a happy little girl and so fun to be with , I hope she gets back to her cheery self soon : ) Our lives changed forever 30 days ago - forever for the BETTER ! It 's Here - First Fridays China Adoption Website First Fridays - China Adoption JourneyA perfect fit for any family thinking about adopting , in the process of adopting , or who has already adopted a child from China . A Child is Worth " The Wait " Vision StatementOur vision is to make sure that every family who wants to adopt embrace the thought that " every child is worth the wait ! " It 's Here ! Our New Website , thanks for your patience . We are excited about our new website and hope this provides you with valuable information . If you have suggestions as to what you would like to see on First Friday 's China Adoption Journey 's website , please do not hesitate to let us know . Sincerely , Dan and Susan Chapmanhttp : / / www . firstfridayschina . com / Next Meeting : December 7 , 2007 @ 7 : 00 pmPlease join us at First Friday for Shelby 's big official 1st appearance LIVE and in person : ) Finally I have a free moment to do some real blogging . I have been laying down with Shelby at night to get her to sleep and keep saying that I will wait until she falls asleep and then get up and do some computer time . Well needless to say the last few nights I have fallen asleep as well ! So tonight Shelby was wiped out and she fell asleep quickly and earlier than normal . My little sweetie suffered through 6 shots today at the pediatrician - YUCK . I was going to just go the tithers route and my pediatrician talked me out of it . Considering that Shelby is going to need a few surgeries in her lifetime , he said that he strongly recommended getting revaccinated on everything . He said that you don 't know if they had the correct dosages and series of shots by just doing the tithers . So anyway I am going to trust his recommendations and get her revaccinated . I would love to hear from anyone who wants to throw their 2 cents in on this issue : ) All in all , Shelby has been a little trooper and has handled the last 3 days of docs very well . I felt so sorry for her today during the shots as she was in pain and crying those huge crocodile tears . I couldn 't help but tear up myself to know that she may be thinking this is going to be a regular event . It is so hard to know what is going on in her little head . I so wish she could understand English so she would hear me reassuring her that she is Ok and how much I love her and only do this to protect her . I need to really really work on my " pain or heartbreak " tolerance before we experience her palate surgery : ( I know all of this is for her well being , but it is still hard to put your new little one in pain on purpose . On a lighter note , we did get to start the day off with a fun playdate with Sheridan ! We had a great time at the mall doing a little lunch and some play time . They were doing so well , we even left the mall and continued our play adventure at Chic Fil @ . Sheridan and Shelby played great together considering they both have some " sharing " issues . It is heart warming to se3 Sorry I haven 't had a free chance to post in the past few days . We have been on the go and busy busy having fun . Shelby is doing great and adjusting well . We are off to a playdate today with Sheridan ! We had fun at the skate park this weekend where Caleb braved getting out there with the " big kids " . This was his birthday present since we were in the air flying home from China on his actual birthday . So he had fun with his friends , Austin and Alex , at the Discover Mills skate park . Little Frannie even came to meet Shelby while we were there : ) Oh and the best progress of all is that Shelby finally lets CJ hold her ! ! She even ran and jumped in his lap at Austin 's basketball game the other day . WOOHOO ! Well it was certainly a long day yesterday spent down at Scottish Rite . However , it was a good day overall as it was the best it could have been . Shelby did great enduring all the exams . She of course wasn 't happy about each doctor poking on her , but she recovered quickly after each exam . She even had her teeth cleaned by the dentist as a last torture ; ) So the final results are that Shelby looks great and it is obvious that she was taken care of very well in China . Her teeth look great and she has all of them without any decay . Her palate is wide ; however , it does not appear to need to be lengthened ( which is a good thing ) . Her speech is obviously where we have alot of work to do with her . So we will start doing some speech exercises with her so she can start learning how to speak properly . We visit the ENT on Monday and after that we can plan her surgery . I really want to plan it for the week of Spring Break if I can get on the schedule for that week . I think it would help the healing process if she had her brothers around to distract her during that tough recovery first week . The surgery will have us in the hospital for a couple of nights and then we will be home . So all in all , the visit went even better than expected . Thanks for all the prayers , as they seem to be working for us . Shelby and I had a good day and good night as well : ) Or as I would like to say , the miracles from Heaven . I was blessed again by Grace - Hope and given over 100 pics of Shelby 's life before us . We are so happy to have these pictures so that we can see her whole life and that she will have these shots to help answer questions later . As you can see they did a wonderful job repairing her lip and we hope that we will have the same results with her palate repair . Shelby sees the doctors at Scottish Rite today so that we can draft out her treatment plan . Please pray for her to be comforted today during her 3 hour visit with several docs today . I hope it goes well and that she is not scared to death . My mom is going to be able to go with us so hopefully between the 2 of us we can keep her comfortable . Shelby and I had a rough night last night after we got home . She is really testing my love to see if she can push me away . Of course she will not succeed but it is SO HARD to witness . This little girl is really struggling in her head about allowing me to love her . Since Shelby is doing so well in public and playing , I kind of forget that she is not attached to us yet . I guess that is why I am struggling so much when she rejects me at home . Thankfully I have some great resources and friends to help us get through this time of bonding together . Please keep us in your prayers . No , no , not to my house . . . but to Tymm and Laura 's house ! Congrats to some of my First Friday friends for the referral of their new son currently residing in Ethiopia . Click here for their blog . I am very excited for them . They are doing this adoption first while they await their next little one from China . There is always something extra special about a couple who is expecting their first baby . Oh if they only realized how much free time they are currently using up now . Hoping their lives ( and free times ) are filled with as much happiness and adventure as mine is ! Here is the blog of my adoption agency contact , Aisha - click here . She has posted lots of pics of the families from Hope for Children that are all currently in China . Here is one of all the families still there . I am a little jealous that they have so many friends to hang out with there , but I am also glad that we were an easy group of a family of one . So I guess there were pros and cons to that . Anyway , I thought you all might enjoy checking on those families there . Here is Darcy 's blog - click here , and here is the Millers blog - click here . Oh and if I do say so myself . . . I was a GREAT blogger while we were in China ! I am so glad I was able to blog and let you all feel a part of our trip . It would not have been the same without all of you following along : ) We have had a few busy days visiting everyone and just plain livin life here at the Straight 's . I have to say that I think I have made the transition from 2 to 3 quite well . I have even been to the grocery store and shopping without any major meltdowns from any of us . I can remember when the grocery store was off limits unless CJ was home with the boys or with us in the store . And now here I am taking all 3 with me by myself . Impressive , I think ; ) Anyway , we had a great Thanksgiving and alot of fun visiting everyone . Shelby does great playing and being comfortable as long as no one tries to pick her up . So please continue to give her space as she gets more comfortable . I am sure you all will get a squeeze pretty soon . We also went and had a so called playdate with Sheridan yesterday . As you can see these 2 weren 't too happy about sharing toys . Just something we still need to work on . But all in all , we are doing great ! " I prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him " 1 Samuel 1 : 27What a wonderful Thanksgiving we have planned today spending it with friends and family . I have so much to be thankful for ! ! Happy Thanksgiving to you all . And of course , Happy 1st Thanksgiving to my sweetie pie : ) 2 Woohoo ! Shelby and I had a whole night of sleep last night ! ! She woke up a couple of times , but went right back to sleep instead of insisting on getting up . We did not get up until 6am - progress : ) We did some visiting yesterday at my sister 's work and then on to my work and then off to McD 's for a playdate with Emily - FUN ! Shelby loves to play on the playgrounds at McD 's ( a true Straight ) . We are having a wonderful time learning more and more about each other everyday . Wanted to send out a special Happy Birthday wish to my nephew Austin today ! ! Happy Birthday and thank you for being such a great cousin . You are definately my kids HERO ! Well today we are up at 3 : 30am , but that isn 't too bad since we went to sleep at 8PM . So that is 7 hours of sleep - which is a good thing . Yesterday was close to a normal day as the boys went to school and CJ went off to work . Shelby and I did a whole lot of running around here and there most of the day . We took Caleb to school , then Travis to school . Then we had to go get the cupcakes for Caleb 's school birthday celebration ( that I forgot to make ) and delivered them back to Caleb 's school . We made a napping visit to my dad 's house , and then we were back off to Travis ' school for Thanksgiving luncheon . Finally we were headed home and got a call from the school nurse that Caleb was sick and throwing up . Yeah ! So we went back to his school to pick him up ( I think just more jet lag ) . Finally we picked Travis up from Carol and we were home . So we all crashed early at 8PM : ) Oh and we got a call from Caleb 's teacher last night to have Caleb bring in a picture of Shelby and where his Chinese big brother shirt because he is going to get to be on the big school TV in the morning to show her off and talk about his trip to China . So he is very excited about the big event for him . I wanted to update everyone on our " work in progress " with Shelby and her attaching to us . She still will not look me directly in the eyes when I am holding her . She also still won 't let CJ hold her yet . She has started to play more and more with CJ and she does go up and touch him on her own . She loves to run from him and giggles and giggles when he chases her . She is doing much better with Travis and even plays with him alot now . She was too cute yesterday when we arrived at his school and all the kids were sitting in circle time , she jumped out of my arms and ran right over to Travis and sat down in his lap . She doesn 't even swat him " every " time she sees him - just maybe half the time ; ) She still loves on Caleb and lets him do things for her most of the time . To the outside world , she looks very attached to me and I am grateful that she does want 6 Shelby spent yesterday trying to be as normal as possible on this side of the world . We started the day off at church and then we came home to play outside . This was Shelby 's first experiences outside at home . She enjoyed the trampoline , her new toys , and of course the next door neighbor 's house . She met alot of new people in her life . Everyone at church was so happy to finally meet the little one that we had all been praying for for so long . She was a big hit of course ! I tried to get her on a regular schedule by only giving her one nap yesterday . Well I didn 't quite succeed as she was very hard keep awake after her afternoon nap . So we only did so - so . We finished the evening up at Awana and then Stevi - Bs . She was so tired that she would not eat and she finally fell asleep at the table . So needless to say we are up again now at 2am . Hoping to get her back down soon as I am getting up early to take the boys to school today . CJ is also going back to work today . We are all going to back in the real world today . . . I hope : ) PS - For those of you who wanted to know more about the family who suffered the loss in China , you can click here to read about it We had a good day of " firsts " yesterday here at home . We started the morning off at 3AM and the boys woke up around 5am . So all the kids had breakfast together in MY kitchen for the " first " time . Then we decided to get out and about and went to Lori 's house for the " first " time . It was really a neat moment for me to look in my rear view mirror and finally see all 3 of my children in MY car for the " first " time . It was so real and a moment I had been picturing in my head for a year ! After playing at Lori 's we of course all had to go to McDonald 's ( our local hangout ) . Shelby acted like she had been going there her whole life , even though this was another " first " for her . She ate chicken nuggets and even dipped like a pro : ) Then she was off and running to play at the playground and sliding down the big slide for the " first " time . It was perfect ! We then dropped by to see my dad and Sandy to get Caleb 's birthday presents and Shelby walked around checking out all the Thanksgiving decorations at his house . She even walked outside with Grandma and touched the huge blown up turkey they have . Shelby is fearless it seems at times . So needless to say she enjoyed her " first " trip to Papa and Grandma 's house . So we managed to keep her awake until 1PM and then we all went home for a much needed nap . All of us except for CJ slept until 5PM when CJ was finally dragging us out of bed . We literally did have to drag all the kids up and out of the house to get them up . We ventured out to our Walm @ rt for the " first " time and kept entertaining the kids there just to keep them awake . Once everyone was fully awake , we went to meet my sister and family at the ( of course ) Mexican restaurant for Shelby 's " first " taste of mexican . She wasn 't too crazy about it , but she did eat a little bit of the rice . We finished the evening up at Nana 's house for the " first " time where Shelby really enjoyed all the great toys . She even played the piano for the " first " time and got to experience dancing with Nana for her " first " of many dances to come . PS : 2 Well we are finally home ! We made it home after a total of 24 hours of traveling on 3 planes . Fortunately we did not encounter any problems on the way home . The boys were GREAT on this long hard trip . They slept some and played their Gameboys and really did well entertaining themselves . Shelby had a hard time falling asleep a few times but no major meltdowns - yeah ! We arrived to the ATL airport with a wonderful reception of friends and family : ) It was great to finally be home and let everyone see our angel in person . Thanks to everyone who fought the Friday evening Atlanta traffic to welcome us home - it was very special . My sister drove us home as CJ was too tired to drive and I assumed Shelby would throw a fit when we put her in a carseat . Thankfully I was wrong ! She was a perfect angel all the way home without complaint . We stopped by Taco Bell on the way home . I can 't believe I survived 3 weeks without Mexican food . We were then welcomed home in a big way at the house with balloons , banners and more friends and family . We had a big " party " at home and Shelby was loving all the kids and the playing around . You would think she has been a Straight forever . We wrapped up the evening with a special birthday cake for Caleb since yesterday was his birthday ! Can you believe my baby is already 8 years old ? ! ? It was a great evening and we all managed to stay awake until 10PM . Shelby slept until 3AM and as you can see we are still up . We will have some time adjustment to work through , but we will manage . We are so happy to be home ! ! PS : I would like to remind you all to visit this helpful link - click here . I know everyone is very excited to meet Shelby and that you all love her very much . However , please be patient as Shelby will take time to return your love and she first needs to understand who her immediate family is and how we operate . We need to do what we feel is best for her as her parents , so we are asking that you please do not reach out to her and ask to hold her . If she feels comfortable enough to approach you an8 We are all packed up and ready to come home ! We spent our last day here in China sight seeing and finishing up some shopping . Thanks to all who followed us on this wonderful journey . Off to bed now since we leave the hotel at 5 : 30am . No pics today you all will have to wait for the real thing IN PERSON : ) We finished up all the official paperwork and had the official swearing in ceremony today . Shelby Ann Kunhong is ours forever ! She was dressed of course in red white and blue for the US Consulate Appointment today . She is just cute as pie : ) PS : Great night of sleep for everyone here ! We wanted to take the famous red couch photos today and our little princess must have thought the red couch had poison on it ! As soon as she sat on it she freaked out and threw a fit . I think she is related to Sheridan - when the shoes get kicked off , watch out for the Shelby wrath ; ) Anyway , I finally got a couple of good photos to show off our China Doll . She looked absolutely adorable and she loved her new squeaky shoes she had on too . We all have on our matching shirts today and the Chinese people here love it and just point and laugh when they see us today . Yes , we look like true tourist but we stick out like sore thumbs anyway so we might as well have fun with it : ) The Miller 's finally met little Sara Beth today and we stopped by their room for a quick visit . We have a shot here of their last photo as a family of 5 this morning before they left for Gotcha . We were priveledged enough to get to see Sara Beth in person in their room a little while ago and they are doing great . We managed just one shot of her before we left . I am sure we will snap more tomorrow . CJ made a big breakthrough with Shelby today . We were in Starbuck 's and he was playing peek a boo with her and she walked right up to him and started touching his face . After that she even let him pick her up and flip her over and over . He was big smiles and she was just giggling . She finally sees that he is not so bad after all : ) We just ordered in Papa John 's to the room and I went in to put Shelby down for a nap . This time she grieved HARD . She started calling for Ahmu over and over again and this time she wanted nothing to do with me . She threw a fit away from me and hit , pinched , and kicked at me to leave her alone . I simply stayed there by her side and let her grieve . Little by little she would get closer and closer to me . Finally she looked at me with such a sad little face and crawled up into my lap on her own ! She went limp and finally fell asleep in my arms . My heart breaks for her when I can so feel her pain when she is missing her Ahmu . I re6 We had a busy busy day shopping with Ann from http : / / www . redthreadchina . com / ! She is wonderful and really knows how to get you great deals . It was also a very different world out there in all the wholesale markets . We went to the pearl market and the shopping mall here . Needless to say we were exhausted by noon ! So we decided to not meet our guide for the additional sight seeing that was originally planned for the afternoon . Instead we stayed here on the island and finally did some of our own bargaining for some of the items we could not get off the island . That in itself is an adventure and a mind draining experience . But we completed all of our shopping so we don 't need to deal with that anymore . We of course had to buy a new suitcase to add all of our treasures . Later in the evening , we finally met the Miller 's in person . Our kids were thrilled to have new friends to play with that speak English ! We all had dinner together at Lucy 's and enjoyed a night out at the park . They get their little girl tomorrow morning at 10 : 30am . I am so excited for them : ) We would have had more pics , but I thought I left the camera and then CJ pulled it out when we were headed back to the hotel . That 's OK as I am sure to get a completed family pic of them tomorrow ! It was great remembering all the feelings we had just one week ago . Their kids loved " practicing " being big brothers and sister on Shelby . Oh and just wanted to mention that Shelby absolutely loves the bathtub . She cries when you get her out . Well I am off to bed and CJ is headed out for his nightly massage ( I 'm jealous but who can blame him at $ 20 for 2 hours ! ) Here are some pics from the day . . . We are definitely ready to come home soon ! PS : We were unable to get an update on the family from the Swan . We hope to get some info tomorrow . Keep praying for them . Shelby and the boys are still all fun and games , while mom and dad fret the loss of mom 's wallet ! Yep that 's right , I managed to leave my wallet in the last taxi / van ride home from shopping . I was able to quickly cancel my credit card and ATM and yes I am out about $ 300 ! CJ said I am no longer allowed to have anything on me of importance . Good thing our passports are still in the safe ; ) Oh well , at least my kids still know how to have a good time ! - tried to upload a video of the kids dancing here but not sure it will show up And here are a few more pics from the day . Shelby is in full stock of a whopping $ 6 . 25 worth of hair bow accessories ! PS - Please send up some extra prayers for a family staying at the White Swan . The adopting father went into a diabetic coma today and they were performing CPR on him as they were leaving the Swan . The mom went to the hospital obviously and had to leave their new daughter with another family that we spoke to on the island . They said that he was clinically dead when leaving the hotel . I am going to try to get an update tomorrow . The couple has been married for 19 years and this is their first child . Makes me so grateful that all I have lost here is a mere wallet . I am a crazy , loud mouth , hold nothing back , fun with my kiddos kind of gal . This blog shows only a glimpse into my life . I use it for a keepsake to my kids of what life was like as they grew up . So yes , it is my blog and I will do with it what I want ; ) Proverbs 24 : 12 " A hundred years from now it will not matter what my bank account was , the sort of house I lived in , or the kind of car I drove . But the world may be different because , I was important in the life of a child . " My Blog List We had three gorgeous ports of call on our cruise . Our first stop was Grand Cayman . Christi and I had been there two years before and had visited Stingr . . . My shirt . My boxers . My slippers . My CRAZY mini - me ! She is usually Laura 's mini - me . . . but when Mommy is out of the country - she has to fall in li . . . Wow , where has the time gone ? Chances are , no one will even see this . But just in case , I wanted to share what 's up ! ! Remember me ? ! Believe it or not , . . . * This post was written on the day I dropped Jack off at what is now his new school . His 2nd new school in one school year . I was proud of him then . I a . . . My sweet friend Tracy Mihnovich shared this on fb and it has be shared MORE AND MORE ! ! ! We are the hands and feet of Jesus … It is up to us NOT TO QUIT … . . . Jennifer has hit the big time ! ! If you want tickets to Jennifer 's next performance , you will need to go to Ticketmaster for tickets . That just amazes me ! . . . Two years ! It 's been SO long since I have updated ! It just seems that I mean to , and then , well it just doesn 't happen . You know the old saying " no news is . . . Hope everyone reading has enjoyed a beautiful Sunday . Here it is sunny and clear , blue skies ! I got the honor of cleaning the only working bath this mornin . . . My friend Jaime Kinser created a blog for February , with a different heart baby 's story for each day . NiNi 's story is the 15th . As I looked through pictur . . . We ALL had a great Prom Weekend ! Our dear friends , the Millers , drove all the way from Orlando so that Sara and Josh could go to prom together ! Despite a . . . Lily is 5 and she 's so excited ! For weeks now she 's been asking " Who 's birthday is next ? " " How old will I be ? " " Why am I going to be 5 and Michael is stil . . . |
So after goofing around awhile ( and crocheting … I 'll admit , I 've been busy crocheting lol ) , I figured I 'd get back into things , so I wrote three and a half chapters of P10 , thinking that I 'd be awesome and shock my beta , Greta , with 10 chapters at once . Of course , I really should have known better , all things considered . Because I thought I 'd do such a dumb thing , karma kicked me , and my computer crashed . I do mean CRASHED . It was sad . There was smoke . There were tears . There was CUSSING . Especially when I realized that , because I thought I 'd be smart and dump on my poor beta , I never actually emailed the chapters , which meant they 're gone . Totally gone . Poof . More tears . Stupid computer L ( Yes , I 'm going to blame it on my computer , absolutely ) . So at the moment , I 'm still trying to save up the money to replace my old , dead laptop , but life keeps emptying my pockets , which brings me to … Shortly after that , one of our cats got really sick . He was puking up everything ( literally ) that he ate , to the point that he just stopped eating . I won 't bore you all with the details except to say that he had to be force fed from a syringe , had to go in constantly for B12 shots because his liver was failing , and in the end ( and after about 500 bucks , all totaled ) , we had to let him go , which broke our hearts . He 's missed every day , and the ache he left behind is horrible . If you 're friends with me on Facebook , you 're probably tired of hearing about it . Even so , that was the hard part . Well , it 's almost healed now ( thank GOD ) but it was pretty scary . A week ago last Thursday , I was sitting here ( actually writing … I know , it 's a sign ! ) when I suddenly felt like I got something in my eye . It felt like one tiny grain of sand . That 's the best way to describe it . So I thought that it 'd come out on it 's own . It usually does . Except that by Saturday night , around 10 , I couldn 't take it anymore . It was driving me insane , and I finally broke down and went to the emergency room ( feeling entirely retarded for going in for a speck of dirt in my eye ) . At least I felt slightly better when the ER doc ( who was named Michael Myers , I shit you not ) told me that the regular doctor would have just sent me in to the ER anyway since they don 't have the equipment to diagnose my eye there , anyway . So they dye my eye bright freaking yellow ( IKR ? Totally wanted it to stay in my eye so I could freak out my kids , but it wore out too fast , unfortunately ) and took a look , and you know , it wasn 't dirt in my eye at all . Nope . I had a corneal ulcer / hemorrhage ( google it . The pics are scary as hell ) . I needed 150 dollar eye drops ( yeah , I about died , too ) , and I needed to go to the eye doctor . So I go to my regular doctor on Monday ( being on the anti - biotic eye drops for a little over 24 hours at that point , not to mention the antibacterial ointment I have to use before I go to bed that 's like putting Vaseline in my eye . Yeah , it 's GROSS . The doctor gives me a referral to a specialist but tells the nurse to arrange the appointment for - and I quote - a non - healing corneal ulcer which freaks me out entirely ! The eye doctor has been great , though , but she said that she thinks that my ridiculously dry eyes caused this , that my cornea tore when I blinked because my eyes are that dry . So now I have trusty moisturizing eye drops and my eyes feel much better . When I went in on Friday , she started me on steroid eye drops ( O . o ) and said it should be healed completely by the time I go in next Friday . Another thing I found out ( not about my eye or anything ) is that they finally remade the forum on media miner , and the only reason THAT matters is because I was finally able to bark at them about the messed up emails for updates . They re - enabled those today , but he said that they 're only doing what amounts to a daily digest sort of email instead of real time emails like they used to . Figures , but better than nothing , right ? As of now , P10 is still on hiatus , and to be honest , I 'm not entirely sure that it 'll get written . It 's not that I don 't like Mikio ( I do ) but it 's just not as exciting to me to write a story when I already know from start to finish what 's happening . It 's hard for it to keep my attention , and I know that sounds terrible , but in my head , the story has already been told , so it 's hard to make myself sit down and write it out , especially when other things that have to do with it but are also kind of separate ( it 's a long story ) have the ability to hurt me , too . I have explained it to some people who have asked , but … Lol Ok , so that 's kind of just me , being overly dramatic … Seriously , though , I just realized that my last blog post put me offline for awhile , but … I 'm back ( well , yanno ! ) Anyway , if you don 't know , Purity 9 : Subterfuge is now complete . IKR ? Never , ever thought it 'd get done ; I know … But now it is . It makes me so sad . I 'm really going to miss writing about Evan . A lot . Also complete are the Purity edits I promised . It has a bit of a different feel , I think , so do download the new version of it , too . You can get both of those off Ao3 . Just select the " Entire Work " button at the top of the chapter you 're on . Purity loads pretty quickly , but don 't be surprised if Subterfuge takes a bit to load in it 's entirety . It 's HUUUUUUGE … . But once it does load , just hit ' Download ' and select the format you want . I know that the PDF version works for them - that 's what I downloaded . I can 't account for the others , though . But I hope you enjoy anyway . So now , I 'm just kind of sitting here , trying to figure out where I go from here . I could work on Purity 10 : Anomaly , sure , but … I just don 't know . Let me know if there 's something in particular that you 're looking forward to ? Help me out here . I 'm feeling kind of lonely , after all ! Mikio rolled his eyes and tried not to smile as his niece , Jillian Jamison clasped her hands and held them up in front of her chest . " I don 't know . . . Doesn 't his firm have a corporate attorney ? " Jillian wrinkled her nose and glanced at the milling crowd enjoying the wedding reception . " Sure they do , but he 's entirely lazy . Spends too much time getting paid for doing nothing , and now that they actually need him , he 's proving to be completely useless . I 'm starting to wonder if he went to law school at all , really . . . " She sighed , pale blue eyes widening as her lips turned down in a pretty moue . " Gavin needs you , Mikio . . . You can 't let him get in trouble for something he didn 't do ! " " It 'll be fine , " she assured him , waving off his concern with a flutter of her hand . " Uncle Toga loves Gavvie ! Everyone loves him ; you know that ! " Mikio rolled his eyes , but grinned . He doubted that Toga would have a problem with it , either , but he didn 't like to make promises before he checked into the possibilities . Maybe it was the lawyer ingrained in him . " Let me go talk to him , " he told her again . Jillian pressed an extremely loud kiss on his cheek and grinned . " You can stay with us , if you want . We 've got room to spare . " " Actually , " Mikio said with a scowl , " if I stay to represent Jamison - san , then it 's probably a good idea if I don 't stay with you . Conflict of interest , you know . Anyway , I 'm sure I can find a place of my own . Don 't worry about me . " " You have no idea how happy you 've made me , " Jillian went on with a giggle . " Thank you , thank you , thank you , thank you . . . You get a thousand hero points for this ! " He chuckled , stuffing his hands into his pockets as Jillian hurried away to find ' her Gavvie ' . Gazing over the assembled guests , Mikio shook his head . Evan hadn 't invited many of his rock star buddies since few of them knew who he really was , let alone what he really was , but he had invited a few : namely the head of his security team - a hulking buffalo - youkai with the unfortunate nickname of ' Bone ' - his manager , Michael Murphy along with his mate and daughter , and Bugs , a very flamboyant and very gay rabbit - youkai who had spent the better part of the reception literally sobbing over the idea that Zel Roka , a . k . a . Evan Zelig , was officially off the market . There were a couple others , milling in the crowd , but Mikio hadn 't been properly introduced to them , and , to be honest , he wasn 't entirely sure who they were . It wouldn 't have been so conspicuous , Mikio figured , if Bone weren 't wearing a ragged t - shirt from Evan 's last tour that proclaimed , " I did V with Zel Roka " on the back along with skin - tight leather pants . Mike , at least , was dressed decently , but Bugs had opted to wear all black to ' celebrate ' the occasion . Mikio winced . Bugs ' eyeliner and mascara were smudged all over his eyes , and the streaks on his cheeks were quite noticeable , and that the waif - like Bugs was currently standing right next to Sesshoumaru Inutaisho , the current Inu no Taisho ? Mikio coughed and quickly hid his amusement as his uncle 's golden gaze lit on him . Nope , the irony in that was just not something that was lost on Mikio at all . . . Mikio wandered over , tugging on his slacks as he knelt before the three year - old child . The boy tugged on the tie he had obviously been forced to wear . " Something wrong , Bailey ? " He nodded , his dejection growing by leaps and bounds in an instant . " And they 're not . They 're boring , and Daddy won 't let me climb my tree . " Bailey 's frown darkened , and Mikio blinked in surprise . Sometimes it amazed him , just how much Bailey looked like his father . Maybe it was the scowl . . . " He said I would hit people . I don 't hit people , honest ! Not even Livvy , even when I wanna ! " There actually was a chance he would . Gin had enlisted the help of all the women other than the bride - to - be and Madison , since she was busy helping Valerie with last minute things , and Nezumi , who couldn 't cook a single thing unless it came in a box and was stuck straight into the microwave oven , but Ryomaru had stepped in to help in her place , and together they had baked the groom 's cake . Rumor had it that Cain had helped Gin decorate it , and Mikio had to admit that he wouldn 't have known the cake was homemade if he hadn 't been shooed out of the kitchen when he 'd gone in there to get a bottle of water while the assembled cooks were working . Bailey sighed , too , but slipped his hand into Mikio 's , following him through the crowd as they made their way to the refreshment table . Kagome hurried over and took the cake plates from Mikio with a bright smile . " Let me carry those for you , " she said . Kagome nodded and tweaked Bailey 's nose before hurrying away to get the boy something to drink . " Where do babies come from ? " Bailey suddenly asked , turning his questioning gaze on Mikio , who , unfortunately , had just taken a bite of cake . Bailey shrugged as though it were the simplest thing in the world . " I figured it out myself ! " he announced proudly . " I came from Daddy , and Olivia came from Mama - I remember . " Mikio cleared his throat and gratefully accepted the bottle of water Kagome offered him . She poked a straw into the apple juice pouch she 'd brought for Bailey and handed it over . " Are you all right , Mikio ? " she asked when he coughed once more . " I see . . . " Kagome murmured , a small smile surfacing as she stared at Mikio for a moment . " Come on , Bailey . Let 's go see what Jii - chan is doing , shall we ? " Maybe staying in the States for awhile would be a good thing for him . The time away from his parents ' scrutiny couldn 't be all bad , could it ? True enough , InuYasha never gave him grief , but his brand of concern was just as stifling as Kagome 's , even if it was in an entirely different kind of way . Where Kagome would hover over him all the time , Mikio couldn 't help but feel that InuYasha was somehow disappointed in him ; as though he thought that Mikio 's shortcomings were his fault . Morio told him regularly that he was imagining things . InuYasha had never been disappointed in Mikio , and while he couldn 't say that InuYasha had ever really acted as though he were , Mikio also knew how much stock his father put into physical strength and the ability to fight to protect those he loved . Because of his balance problems , Mikio had never , ever been taught to fight . The closest thing to actual training he 'd had was learning how to shoot a bow and arrow , courtesy of his mother , because he could do that while standing still , and later , he 'd learned how to shoot guns at his father 's insistence . Mikio blinked , leaning back in his chair as he stared . InuYasha unlocked the box and carefully pushed the lid back . Mikio shook his head . " Papa . . . " Mikio had wanted to argue with InuYasha , but the stubborn set of his father 's jaw dissuaded him . " A - A - All right , " he agreed reluctantly . " I will . " And he did . The head of Inutaisho Industries ' security team had trained him , and while Mikio might not be a gunslinger , he was quite accurate . Though his mentor , Yasuaki - sensei was youkai , Mikio had never been able to shake off the feeling that he wasn 't quite as good as his brothers or even Gin , really . They 'd all been trained to fight , and despite his father 's insistence that it was just a means to an end , he found the training to be quite embarrassing . He 'd heard it said more than once - never by his family once he had started his training : there was no honor in shooting someone , no matter what the provocation . Add to that the weight of being the son of the hanyou of legend , and , well , Mikio couldn 't help but feel as though he were a huge disappointment . He 'd tried not to let it bother him , and strangely , he wasn 't teased by his nephews or Gunnar for it . Mikio sat up straight and glanced around slowly , stumbling to his feet when he finally saw Madison standing behind him . She smiled , brushing off the ankle - length skirt of the pale lilac dress . " C - Cartham - san . . . Hello . " She waved off his greeting with a flick of her wrist . " Just Madison or Maddy 's fine , " she assured him . " What should I call you ? " She seemed pleased by his answer , and her smile brightened a few more degrees , putting it on par with the afternoon sunshine in Mikio 's estimation . . . " You looked like you were thinking about something pretty serious , " she commented . " Is something wrong ? " " Nope , " he replied , brushing away the memory as he offered her a shy little grin . " Just . . . having some cake . Do you want some ? I could get it for you . . . " " You 're sure ? Don 't you like cake ? I . . . I like cake . . . or , uh , maybe I could get you something to drink ? I 'm drinking water . . . " She shook her head and slipped into the chair Bailey had vacated . " That 's all right , " she replied . " I thought I 'd make the rounds , you know ? " Her laughter was soft , gentle , and he blinked at the surge of warmth that shot through him . " I 'm teasing , " she told him , her gaze flittering away as she spotted the couple in question . " They look happy , all things considered . " Mikio nodded , scowling thoughtfully as he glanced from the couple to another pair close by . Bas and Cain stood off to the side , both looking somewhat disgruntled . Closely resembling freshly shorn sheep , Mikio didn 't have to be brilliant to know that the obvious irritation was very likely due to the fact that neither man had chosen to have his hair cut off before the wedding , either . " Evan 's always liked to be different , " Mikio mused quietly , " but why did Cain and Bas cut their hair ? " Mikio grimaced . He 'd heard about ' The Talk ' earlier . Cain and Bas had sat Valerie down and told her about many of Evan 's more colorful escapades to warn her about what she was getting into in agreeing to marry Evan . Evan hadn 't reacted well to the idea that his father and brother - all the men in the family , actually - were trying to meddle , but Mikio had to wonder if the entire affair hadn 't been a more calculated effort to relive some of Evan 's more interesting moments without having to admit out loud that they were amused and even a little proud of Evan 's outrageous antics . " Well , I 'd heard about that , " he admitted . He hadn 't sat in on the impromptu - conference , though . No , he 'd spent his time , lying in bed and blinking into the darkness , trying to put the image of Madison , bathed in moonlight , out of his mind . . . Mikio 's amusement died away , and he cleared his throat , fighting down the urge to blush . " Dance ? Me ? I , uh . . . no . . . " ' Wonderful , Mikio . . . You 're losing points , you know . . . You 're about to end up in the red if you 're not careful , and then where will we be ? ' Maddy giggled as she peered up into the leader of Evan 's security team 's smiling face . " What 's that ? Slumming , are you ? " Bone snorted , rubbing his bald head and shifting his weight from one leg to the other in a lazy , yet calculated stance - one that Mikio couldn 't even hope to accomplish . " Hardly . You 're the classiest chick I 've tried to pick up today . " She started to stand up . Mikio stood up , too . Reacting on impulse , the only cognizant thought in his head was that he didn 't want to see Madison dancing with anyone else , especially someone nicknamed for a state of constant sexual arousal . . . " I - I was going to dance with her , " he blurted . Bone blinked and stepped back , holding up his hands in a good - natured show of deference . " No worries , man . I didn 't realize you 'd already asked her . " Madison didn 't gainsay Mikio . He avoided her gaze as he slipped his hand under her elbow and led the way to the center of the lawn that had been fitted with a portable wooden platform for the wedding reception . She stepped into his arms , one hand resting on his shoulder as he grasped her free hand , mimicking the stance he 'd seen in movies before . Madison smiled up at him , and he could feel heat infusing his cheeks . " So you do dance , " she murmured quietly . He stiffened as she moved in closer . If she noticed , she didn 't react . Relaxing just the tiniest bit , he grinned self - consciously and inhaled the lightly floral scent of Madison 's shampoo . The baser scent of her was a little spicier , reminding Mikio of the little custom tea shop that he frequented back home in Tokyo . The array of exotic blends always lent a certain sense of mystery , at least in his mind . ' Cinnamon and cloves . . . and a hint of something a little wilder . . . ' Snapping out of his reverie , Mikio blinked and slowly followed the direction of Madison 's gaze . Staring at his nephew , Morio and his mate Meara , Madison 's smile turned a little wistful as Morio held Meara close and leaned down to whisper something in her ear . Meara blushed prettily but smiled at her mate , and the affection in Morio 's expression was apparent to anyone who was looking . " Sort of . " He grinned . " Evan used to run off and hide at Kichiro - nii - san 's house instead of training whenever he came to Japan . . . Nii - san taught him how to play the piano . I mean , he learned what he needed to learn from my father , but he never was a fighter like Bas always was . " Blanket disclaimer for this fanfic ( will apply to this and all other chapters in Anomaly ) : I do not claim any rights to InuYasha or the characters associated with the anime / manga . Those rights belong to Rumiko Takahashi , et al . I do offer my thanks to her for creating such vivid characters for me to terrorize . Madison sighed as she hurried up the wide stone steps onto the Zelig family 's front porch . If she had been thinking a little more clearly earlier , she would have remembered that she 'd left her cell phone on Valerie 's nightstand . As it was , she 'd been home in the middle of cleaning guns with her father when Shar , one of the girls at her main salon , had called her parents ' house phone , grumbling about being out of a certain brand of conditioner , and just why wasn 't Madison answering her cell ? Wrinkling her nose at her youkai voice , Madison shook her head and squared her shoulders before raising her hand to knock . ' Don 't be ridiculous . What other reason could there possibly be ? ' Madison could feel her cheeks heat up as she shrugged . ' That 's just ludicrous . I don 't even know him ; at least , not really . ' She didn 't get a chance to do it . The door swung open , and she stepped back just in time to avoid colliding with a very angry looking Mikio , who didn 't seem to have noticed her standing there . Realizing a little too late , he jerked back and pulled himself up short , using his hand on the door to steady himself . He seemed taken aback at her question , and he blinked in relative confusion for a moment before opening and closing his mouth a few times , as though he were at a loss for words . " What ? Oh . . . yeah . . . fine . " Biting her lip , Madison wondered if she hadn 't overstepped her boundaries , if she weren 't being just a little too intrusive for his liking . " I 'm sorry . You just looked a little . . . upset . " She wasn 't entirely convinced , but she didn 't push it , either . Reminding herself that she really didn 't know him well enough to ask such personal questions , Madison shrugged and nodded toward the doorway he was blocking . " So . . . may I get my cell phone ? " Mikio 's cheeks pinked as he realized that he was in her way , and he quickly stepped back . Grimacing as his face lost much of its color , he caught hold of the doorframe again , so tightly that his knuckles turned white . Madison didn 't think . Stepping toward him , steadying his elbow , it was her turn to blink in surprise when he shot her a weary , shy smile - wan at best , but so completely endearing that , for a moment , she couldn 't think of a single thing - not even her own name . It took her a moment to interpret his reply . Then she recalled Evan mentioning before that Mikio tended to have more trouble than the rest of them in coping with the strains of air travel - something to do with the rapidly changing air pressure , and it made sense . " The airplane ? Oh . . . I 'm sorry . . . " Even so , she also couldn 't help but sympathize with him , too . Of course he would want to be here for his nephew 's wedding , but if traveling affected him so badly . . . Well , it had to be frustrating , to say the least . . . " Maybe you should go for a walk or something ? Fresh air . . . I could go find Gin . . . or your mother . . . she 's here , right ? " Mikio grabbed her wrist as Madison whipped around to find Kagome . " Not her , " he hissed , his whisper imploring as his eyes met hers . " Not Mama . " He grimaced and let go of Madison 's wrist . " Please . " Swallowing hard , he squeezed his eyes closed for a second before managing another weak smile . " You 're right . Fresh air . I think that 'd help . " He pushed himself away from the wall , his movements stilted , almost mechanical . He took a few steps onto the porch but stopped suddenly and glanced over his shoulder . " You . . . would you come with me ? " Madison nodded as the pebbly ground gave way to the finer sand near the ocean . " There 's nothing wrong with that , " she pointed out with a gentle smile . " Granted , I don 't have much room to talk , given that Evan is one of my best friends , but I have to admit that there are things I wish hadn 't happened - and most of those were his idea . I just went along for the ride . " She smiled to herself at perceived cuteness in the way that Mikio referred to his brothers . " Too bad those are some of the best stories , " she went on to say . " Don 't tell Evan I said that , though . " " Understood , " he said with a curt nod and an overly - serious expression . Then he sighed and shook his head . " I guess sometimes I wish . . . I wish I was more like them . . . " He uttered a short chuckle that was almost sad . " Well , sometimes , anyway . . . I don 't think I 'd want to get into trouble like they did . . . " Mikio took a few more steps before sinking down to stare at the sky over the water . Something about him seemed so . . . almost melancholy that Madison bit her lip and frowned . For some reason , she didn 't really feel like she could ask him why he seemed so upset , so she figured that the next - best course of action would be to see if she could make him laugh , instead . . . " If it makes you feel any better , the first time Evan took me out on his motorcycle , I ended up puking off the Brooklyn Bridge . " She made a face as she sat , cross legged , beside him . " Might have been because he insisted on seeing just how fast he could make the thing go . I thought he was going to kill himself or me - maybe both . He 's sort of an ass that way . " She laughed as she considered that question . Easy enough to say that she 'd known Evan for so long that she didn 't really remember not knowing him , but everything had to start somewhere , didn 't it ? And she 'd heard the stories often enough , even if she was a little young at the time and didn 't rightfully remember it completely anymore . " Mom brought me over . I was three , I think . . . he threw my doll into a tree and got stuck when he climbed up after it . " Mikio started to say something but stopped , as though something had just occurred to him , and he slowly shook his head . " Wait . . . you 're the one he was telling me about , right ? The one he set the dog loose with ? " Madison groaned . In one of his moments of bored inspiration , Evan had rigged up a harness for his dog , Fugly , and he 'd gotten Madison to sit on the little sled , strapped in so that she wouldn 't fall out , just before he 'd set off a string of fire crackers to galvanize the animal into action . It had taken almost an hour to get Fugly to stop running - and yipping - and to this day , Madison wasn 't quite sure how Evan had ever talked her into that stunt . . . Taking his time as he slowly rolled up the cuffs of his long sleeved white dress shirt , Mikio didn 't speak . Madison smiled , noting the deliberateness of his movements , the almost lethargic sense that surrounded him . Even the shadows that fell on him in the darkness of the night didn 't quite seem to affect him in a normal way . Maybe it was simply because , dressed in khaki slacks and the white shirt with his silvery hair and pale skin , he almost seemed to glow . Snorting at her own whimsical thoughts , Madison shook her head and sighed . ' He 's just a guy . . . just like every other guy , right ? He 's wrapped up in a nice package , sure , but in the end , he 's just the same , isn 't he ? ' Blinking as she cleared her mind and stole a glance back at Mikio only to find him staring off in the same direction she had been just moments before , Madison cleared her throat . " My mom and dad do . I normally live in New York City . " She giggled . " They say lawyers are boring , is all . Then again , Valerie 's a lawyer , and she 's not boring . . . of course , that might be because I try to save her from herself , but I 'm not sure . . . " Madison could have kicked herself for having said that . The easy laughter died away , and he cleared his throat as his gaze fell to the sand around his feet . The random twitching in his ear hadn 't gone away though it had diminished somewhat . He checked his watch , holding down the little switch that made the front glow in a pleasant aqua color , and winced . " It 's nearly midnight , " he told her . Madison frowned as she stared at the hanyou . " Why don 't you have a concealment on ? " she blurted before she could think about it . True , when youkai gathered , concealments weren 't necessary , but since the wedding would involve some humans - mostly Valerie 's guests - everyone would have to remember to hide their youkai attributes before the guests arrived . " The stairs , " she admitted as he stood up and brushed himself off before offering her a hand to help her to her feet . Ordinarily she 'd ignore such an archaic gesture of chivalry . She slipped her hand into his and let him help her . Something about his quiet admission made Madison stop for a moment . He seemed almost angry . . . or was he more . . . resigned ? ' Strange , ' she thought . ' Strange , indeed . . . ' " Of course not . I told V there 's no way he 'd give up so easily . She 's probably upstairs laughing at him . I would be . . . " " He was here earlier , " Mikio supplied , stopping to watch the entertainment . Cain was standing on Valerie 's balcony , leaning over the railing to watch as Bas and Gavin tackled Evan to keep him from trying to climb up . Gunnar ran around the side of the house , hollering something about impatient grooms with Morio close on his heels . Mikio laughed . Madison laughed and reluctantly made a face . " Thanks for the walk , Mikio . I think I 'll check on Valerie , grab my phone , and head home . I 'll see you tomorrow , right ? " Madison turned to leave but stopped when the resistance in her arm brought her up short . She was still holding Mikio 's hand . Letting go with a mumbled apology , she crossed her arms over her chest and hurried toward the mansion , willing herself not to blush as she stepped into the light spilling through the windows from the great glass doors . Drawing a deep breath , she pushed the doors open and strolled into the house , unaware of the bright golden eyes that watched her hasty retreat . " I almost feel sorry for Evan , " Valerie commented without turning away from the window when Madison slipped into her room . Staring down at the spectacle that resembled a football game , she was smiling as she shook her head and sighed . " Almost . " " Uh oh . . . looks like they 've gotten caught , " Madison mused as InuYasha , with Toga and Ryomaru in tow , stomped into view . The hanyou reached down to yank someone to his feet . He got pulled into the fray , too . Minutes later , the mass of dogs in the pile had grown . Madison caught sight of Cain on the balcony . The youkai shook his head and sat back in a plastic lawn chair , kicking his feet up on the railing as he knotted his hands together behind his neck . If she didn 't know better , she 'd swear he was grinning , though it was impossible to tell for certain . " I am not . You 're just crazy . I think your wedding dress is a little too tight . It 's been cutting off the oxygen supply to your brain . " Scowling as she strode down the hallway to the staircase , she sighed . ' No , ' she agreed , smiling sadly at the memory of the way he 'd looked , sitting on the beach in the moonlight . ' He 's really not my type at all . . . ' " So . . . I noticed you were talking to that girl . . . umm . . . " Morio asked , rolling his hand in an effort to remember the name in question then snapping his fingers when it apparently came to him . " Madison , wasn 't it ? " Morio nodded . " Nope . . . Don 't worry . . . In all the chaos , I 'm pretty sure that no one else saw the two of you together . They were kind of busy at the time . " " I see . " He tugged a handful of grass and watched as the blades slipped through his fingers only to fall softly back to earth again . " She 's . . . pretty . . . don 't you think ? " Morio sighed . " You 'd be hard - pressed to find a virgin in this day and age , especially among youkai . Thank your brother for that , I guess . . . " Scowling at the rapidly clouding sky , Mikio nodded . " I know . It 's not . . . I 'm not interested ; I just . . . " He trailed off with a wince . " Yeah . " Morio chuckled . " Mikio , it 's okay be interested . Any single man with a pulse would be interested in a girl who looks like Madison Cartham . " That comment didn 't actually comfort Mikio ; not at all . The first droplets of rain hit his face , his bared arms . " It doesn 't matter . I 'm going back home in a couple days , anyway . " Blanket disclaimer for this fanfic ( will apply to this and all other chapters in Anomaly ) : I do not claim any rights to InuYasha or the characters associated with the anime / manga . Those rights belong to Rumiko Takahashi , et al . I do offer my thanks to her for creating such vivid characters for me to terrorize . " Well , I wouldn 't do any such thing , " Valerie protested , feigning a hurt expression that was completely ruined by the soft giggle that slipped from her . " Then again , would it be so bad ? Just think about it - a steady man to do all those things for you that you hate doing , coming home to the same person every night - someone who knows you and adores you . . . worships the ground you walk on . . . " Valerie laughed as she pulled her notebook and pen from the table and idly tapped the pen 's cap against her lips . " You make it sound like your father 's stockpiling for a hostile takeover , " she pointed out idly then quickly shook her head . " Let 's see . . . I double checked the caterers , called the florist to make sure everything was set , had the final fitting for my dress this morning . . . Did I forget anything ? " Rolling her eyes , Madison snorted indelicately . " Yup . I went in to have my habit fitted while you were stuffing yourself into that sausage casing you like to call a wedding dress . " Valerie choked on a giggle since she was the one who had aptly dubbed the dress she 'd chosen as the sausage casing from hell . Skin tight to the hips where the skirt flared out around her in a billowing mass of silk and chiffon , she had grumbled more than once that she wasn 't sure what she was thinking when she 'd bought the dress just weeks before . Well , that wasn 't exactly true . Her mother liked the dress , too . . . " Figured I 'd make Evan work for it . " Valerie sighed . " His father said that he had to take them out for the wedding since the generals are going to be there , but you know Evan . . . I wouldn 't be surprised if he leaves at least one or two in , just to irritate Cain . " Madison giggled . " Damn right . Unfortunately , Evan knows that , too . So why did you think I 'd know ? " She shrugged , securing the last curler in place before dropping the comb onto the table top and brushing her hands together . " Nope . . . he 's being uncharacteristically stubborn about this . " Madison stepped back , satisfied with the task of setting Valerie 's hair . " I 'll be over tomorrow to take those out and arrange your hair . Touch it and die , woman - understand ? " Madison grinned , mostly because baby that Valerie was referencing wasn 't even born yet . Cartham hadn 't said as much , but Kelly had remarked to her earlier that her father had been absolutely thrilled when he had found out that they were expecting a boy - Madison 's as - yet unseen brother . " No , but I 'm sure it 's coming soon , even if Mom objects on principle . " It was something that most people really didn 't understand , she supposed . Closing the bedroom door behind herself as she paused in the dim hallway long enough to allow her eyes time to adjust , Madison figured that for folks who didn 't know Deke Cartham , it would be hard to explain . Her earliest memories were of standing by her father 's knee while he slowly , methodically cleaned and oiled his guns . At least he 'd waited until she could walk before taking her outside and lining up soda cans along the fence . He slipped earphones over her tiny head , pulled her into his arms , helped her steady the small pistol , and he 'd taught her how to fire the weapon . " Girls don 't learn how to fight . Protection is a man 's job , " he 'd told her . " But I 'd be worthless , wouldn 't I , if I didn 't teach you how to survive . " A whoosh of breath , a grunt escaped her as she barreled into a solid chest . The scream that welled in her throat slipped out but was bit off as sinewy arms locked around her . She tumbled down the stairs with the stranger , unable to see more than a flash of silver , the blur of motion . They smacked into the banister on the middle landing , and the unseen face of the man she 'd run down finally came into focus . Madison grimaced as she pushed herself up on her elbows , curiously eyeing him , unable to stop her blatant perusal . Golden eyes . . . silver hair . . . little white hanyou ears . . . He was unmistakably Izayoi , and dizzily , headily , she felt her heart skip a beat only to hammer hard against her ribcage like a wild thing trying to escape its confines . The man had yet to let go of her , not that she really minded . Still , propriety reared its ugly head , and she blushed . " I 'm so sorry , " she blurted , trying to wiggle out of his grasp . Madison blinked and tried not to let her blush darken . " No , really . . . it was mine . . . I wasn 't watching where I was going , and I didn 't realize you were coming upstairs . . . " He shrugged , rubbing the back of his neck self - consciously . " I - I 'm Izayoi Mikio , " he said with a low bow . " H - Hajimemashite douzo yoroshiku . " " Oh , " she breathed with a little nod . " I know . I 'm Madison - Madison Cartham . . . maid of honor , I suppose . " She giggled suddenly , and Mikio 's frown deepened . Waving her wrist , she covered her mouth with her free hand . " I met you before , a long , long time ago . I was just a child , though . . . " He looked confused for a few seconds , then he shot her an uncertain little smile that was gone about as quickly as it had appeared . " Hmm , yeah . . . Evan 's friend ? " Heat lightning illuminated the cloudy skies as Madison strode to her car . Pausing with her hand poised on the door handle , she lifted her face up to the heavens and frowned . The past few days had been hideously hot , almost humid , and she hoped that it would rain . ' V 's wedding needs to be perfect . Sweating on your big day is bad form , after all . . . ' Letting her gaze fall away from the sky , Madison gasped , her heart lurching wildly in her chest as she caught sight of the lone form in the second story window - the window she knew was at the end of the hallway . She wasn 't sure if Mikio could see her staring back at him or not . Slowly , hesitantly , she waved . His silhouette straightened , and he lifted his hand to return the gesture . Mikio stared up at the starry , inky sky and heaved a sigh as his right ear flattened against his head . The left one twitched madly - the aftereffects of the dizzy spell that landed him flat on his back . He grimaced , willing the appendage to still . The twitch worsened . Mikio made a face . " You can stay out of her room for one night , can 't you ? " he asked , waving his limp hand in the vague direction of the third story balcony that Evan had been trying to reach . The grin widened . " The hell you say ! Bad luck would be me , standing at the altar with a boner . I think the neighbors would gossip about that . . . " Mikio rolled his eyes and started to sit up only to flop back when the stars started spinning overhead . He sighed , willing the dizziness to pass . " You don 't possess even a modicum of shame , do you ? " Mikio shifted his eyes to the side , catching sight of Evan 's older brother as Sebastian rounded the corner of the mansion . Spotting Mikio lying on the ground , Bas stopped for a moment and shook his head before loping over to them and slapping Evan across the back of the head before sinking down between Evan and Mikio . " Trying to sneak in Valerie 's window , were you ? " Bas snorted . " Pfft ! I knew you would . I just didn 't think you 'd sabotage me . You 've reached new lows , Evan . " " You mean Evan has even lower lows ? " Gunnar Inutaisho drawled as he and Gavin Jamison slipped out of the shadows on the other side of the assembled men . Gunnar sat down , too , and Gavin knelt , leaning his weight on his forearms placed on his knees . Gunnar whistled . " Yep , that 's low , all right , " he agreed . " Low enough that I 'd slap you across the back of the head if I were Bas . " " If we beat the hell out of him tonight , do you think that he 'd make it to his wedding tomorrow ? " Gunnar mused . " After all , it 's not like he hasn 't already had sex , so it wouldn 't really be anything new to him . . . " Evan rolled his eyes as Bas turned thoughtful . " You know , that 's not a bad idea . . . " Bas mused slowly , scratching his chin as he stared at his sibling . " There will be no beating on your brother , Bas , " Cain stated as he stepped out of the glass doors from the living room and glanced over his shoulder to ascertain exactly where his mate was . She must have been well out of earshot for his next comment , though . " But if you do , don 't leave any marks where your mother might see them . " He appreciated their understated show of support , of course . Ever since he could remember , they 'd all sat down whenever he 'd ended up flat on his back . Lately , however , it had begun to grate on his nerves . They shouldn 't have had to do such a thing , should they ? Mikio sighed . Best not to think about it , he decided . ' Damn it . . . ' " Yeah , well , he mentioned something before , " Gunnar went on , turning his gaze skyward . " Said that Gome - oba - chan and Yasha - jiji used to argue about that a lot . I think he just stopped talking about it to keep them from fighting . " " Not exactly . I don 't remember . . . I wasn 't very old then , myself . I remember that Gome - oba - chan brought Mikio over , and we were playing with Kubrick while she talked to Mother . . . He had some sort of testing done , and Yasha - jiji made them stop when Mikio got scared , or so I seem to recall hearing . . . I was about three , I think , so Mikio was about five , I guess . . . " " Oh , yeah . . . I remember that , " Morio added as he stared up at the stars high overhead . " Mama and the old man used to talk about that some . Guess everyone was disagreeing about it at the time . " Morio shrugged . " Actually , no . Oyaji said that baa - chan was right . It 'd be better to see if something could be done while Mikio was still young . " " The MRI , " Cain agreed absently . Kagome had called to talk to Gin about the entire ordeal . He remembered the sadness on Gin 's face as she recounted the tale for him later . Mikio hadn 't reacted well when faced with the machine that he was supposed to lie in for an hour or more while the doctors got a good look at his ears , and InuYasha , who had never been fond of anyone messing with his ears , had apparently broken the door down in his haste to get to his son , to save Mikio from the evil machine . . . Cain sighed . He didn 't blame InuYasha , actually . Had it been one of his pups , he probably would have done the same thing . The instinct to protect was a fierce thing ; a difficult thing to ignore , and with InuYasha 's background of fighting , of being an outcast , it wasn 't surprising that the desire to protect his own was so strong . Ear twitching as he made slow work of swallowing a few gulps of water , Mikio couldn 't quite meet Gin 's pointed stare , either . " With all due respect , I hardly think that it 's really that important . I 'm not a pup anymore . " " Will you get off it , wench ? The last thing the pup needs is you hanging all over him , " InuYasha grumbled as he stomped into the kitchen , repeating the process that Kagome had just done , but his target was his only daughter . Gin giggled softly and kissed her father 's cheek . " I 'm not hanging all over him , " Kagome shot back before turning her deep brown eyes on Mikio once more . Her expression registered obvious concern , and Mikio braced himself for whatever his mother had on her mind . " You look peaked , Mikio . Maybe you should go on to bed . " " I 'm sure that everyone will understand . You really hated the airplane ride , didn 't you ? " Kagome went on , fussing idly with Mikio 's bangs . He couldn 't remember a time when it wasn 't like that . It seemed to him that his mother and father spent far too much time at odds with each other over him than they did getting along . Gin had always maintained that InuYasha and Kagome seemed to enjoy arguing . Still , Mikio couldn 't quite shake the feeling that the raised voices , the tension . . . it was completely his fault . If Mikio sneezed , Kagome was convinced that he needed to be lying in bed with a mountain of blankets and lots of soup . InuYasha , on the other hand , would tell his wife to stop being a mother hen and to let Mikio have room to breathe , and it always - always - ended up in one of those arguments . Hajimemashite douzo yoroshiku : " Pleased to meet you . Please take care of me " , basically . The standard greeting when one first meets someone . In this case , Mikio doesn 't realize that he has met Madison before , and even then , he was never formally introduced to her , either . Baa - chan : Grandma . All of the Japanese children would call Kagome this ( her grandchildren , anyway ) . Gunnar takes after Toga and calls her Gome - oba - chan ( Aunt Gome ) . Note : Gunnar addresses his mother as " Mother " because she 's American and that 's what he was taught . Yasha - jiji : Gunnar 's address for InuYasha , basically , he 's calling him ' old man ' . InuYasha 's grandsons address him as ' jiijii ' ( really old man lol ) . This is also considered a rude way to address and older man . Oyaji : There is some debate on this term as some people will translate it as ' dad ' or ' pops ' . Many , however , would actually translate this more as ' old man ' in reference to one 's father . Considered to be fairly rude , one would not use this address for more formal family settings . For example , Toga would never , ever call Sesshoumaru this , and for that matter , Gunnar would not use this for Toga , either . Ryomaru , Kichiro , and Morio would use this form of address for their respective fathers . Blanket disclaimer for this fanfic ( will apply to this and all other chapters in Anomaly ) : I do not claim any rights to InuYasha or the characters associated with the anime / manga . Those rights belong to Rumiko Takahashi , et al . I do offer my thanks to her for creating such vivid characters for me to terrorize . Ah , it 's that time of year again … time for snow and carolers and all that happy crap … Around here ? Well , I 've been pretty busy . Those who have been on the forum know that I have been having some things going on with my family , namely my daddy . He 's been in the hospital since before Thanksgiving , and he seems to be doing a little better every day , so thank you to everyone who has taken a moment to send up a little prayer for him ! I wanted to give a few updates as to what , exactly , I 've been doing with writing . As many of you know , I 've been heavily editing the existing chapters of Desideratum ( yes , Desideratum ) . I 've got a chapter done and in beta at present ( look for it in the next few days ) . I 've decided that I really like the premise of this story , so I 'm going to continue it as a divergence instead of the usual continuation . Originally , I stopped posting to see what Ms . Takahashi was going to do to my beloved characters as the manga seemed to be winding down . After she finished it , however , I thought that I couldn 't continue because she 'd wrapped everything up so wonderfully already . It was one of those rare moments when I felt as though everything I 'd hoped for came to pass . But because of that , I wasn 't entirely sure I could do anything with Desideratum because , I 'll be honest , I don 't LIKE non - canon and am a firm believer that the original author must be respected . It is , after all , her work . That said , I spent the Thanksgiving weekend re - reading Chronicles . And I thoroughly enjoyed it . I will confess , I 'd forgotten a lot of it , so it was like reading a story I 'd never read before ( seriously ) , and I was so thirsty for more InuYasha / Kagome fluff that I did what I never , ever thought I 'd do : I re - read Metamorphosis - and I was able to do so without the negative feelings that had followed me around for so long with that story . I was able to look at it the way I 'd wanted to all along , and , yes , I actually felt a bit proud of what I 'd managed to accomplish with it . Yes , I know , it needs some editing here and there , and maybe I 'll get to that eventually , however . . As I was reading those stories , this thought kept nagging at me . I kept thinking , ' I miss those two . I miss writing those two . I miss the distinctive relationship they have , and no matter what the circumstances , they always - always - make me laugh . ' Then I started to consider the parts of the story that cannot work , given the framework of Takahashi 's original and completed work . Well , I realized that with some minor tweaking and one major divergence , it could still work . I tried to figure out if I actually could use the rest of the manga and just re - write to be a real continuation , buuuuuuut … So bearing in mind that the divergence occurs within Desideratum just after the fight with Naraku and before Kagome gets sucked into the Shikon no Tama , I 've decided to do what makes ME happy … and continue this story , after all . Now , the plan at present is to finish Purity 9 : Subterfuge ( there really isn 't a lot left … . Not sure if people realize this or not ) , and then I 'm going to take a ( gasp ! ! ) Purity break long enough to devote my time to telling the story of Desideratum before I go back to pick up where I left off with Purity 10 : Anomaly , Purity 11 ( the enigma lol ) , and Purity 12 : Rebirth . I also plan on working the rest of the original Purity rewrites into the scheme of things , as well but that 's secondary . I feel compelled to work on Desideratum right now . ( I know ; I know … never say ' never ' , right ? ) Sooooo … is there anything I can tell you about Desideratum ? Firstly and most importantly , please do take the time to read the edits . There have been a number of changes to make the story fit into canon as well as some other things that I changed … just because . Not as important but noteworthy is that InuYasha 's last name in present day has been changed to something more befitting : Akamori ( red forest ) , and , because I didn 't like the name Renzomori , his name is now " Sora " , which means sky . It was almost Kuro but that sounded odd , given his looks lol . I 'm pretty sure that Sora will be a character that no one expects - I hope . I think you 'll be surprised when you learn who he really is … maybe . Another thing worth noting is that , starting with Purity 10 ( I haven 't decided on whether or not to do so with Desideratum ) , new chapters will appear here in my blog a day or two before being posted on Media Miner . The reason for this is because of some site issues that keep popping up there , and no one seems to be willing or able to fix them , so I 'm not entirely sure how long that site will be around . So saying , I am trying to encourage people to read the site instead . Comments should be easy to leave here , too . I believe that the site here is set up to require registration , and the first comment you post will be monitored to keep from allowing spam bots and stuff to post freely . After your first comment is approved , however , I THINK that any future comments will post automatically . I think . Lol , I 'll have to check into that … Thanks for those who helped pay for the server costs . With my dad 's health and my husband 's cut hours at work , we simply don 't have the money to pay for them . We 're still accepting donations because there 's a third server as well as some domain renewals to pay , but the main site is paid for already . |
I write because so many people have told me to write a book about my life , but I have always felt no one would believe this " stranger than fiction " life if I did write it all down . However , after my Dad died , I was continually plagued with his last requests - write your story , Cindy . God has given it to you for a reason . You can help people by showing them what God has done for you through the trials and tribulations of your life . And so this blog . . . because I don 't know how to write a book . I write just like I talk . So just expect stories where God has been protecting me , teaching me , molding me , refining me and that means through fire ! I never know what to expect next nor should you . Seek the Lord while He may be found . I can 't begin to do justice to this passage . It is so deep with meaning in different directions - but I am following just one today early as I read it and tonight before I sleep as I read it again . Key verses for me are if you really knew me , you would know my Father as well . From now on , you do know him and have seen him . Philip said , " Lord , show us the Father and that will be enough for us . " . Jesus answered " don 't you know me , Philip , even after I have been among you such a long time ? Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father . How can you say ' Show us the Father ? ' Don 't you believe that I am in the Father and that the Father is in me ? The Words I say to you are not just my own . rather it is the Father , living in me , who is doing his work . Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me ; or at least believe on the evidence of the miracles themselves . I tell you the truth , anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing . He will do even greater things than these , because I am going to the Father . And I will do whatever you ask in my name so the Son may bring glory to the Father . You may ask me for anything in my name and I will do it . So for me , the parts that made the Holy Spirit in me stand up and shout were : I am in the Father and He is in me . And that seeing Jesus is seeing the Father , knowing Jesus is knowing the Father . This is a huge concept even today ! We get up every morning and go through our days and pay some attention hopefully to the Lord in some way , shape or form - we have dinner , play with the kids , bath routine , bed routine , and tomorrow it starts all over again . What for ? We know Jesus . We claim to . He says that knowing him is knowing the Father . The Father , Our creator of heaven and earth , who by His very thought keeps everything together and in motion . So what ? Well , if you plan to go to heaven instead of hell you might give some thought to getting to know the God of the Universe , King of all Kings . He is a BIG GOD . He is not a benevolent old man up there administrating heaven ! He is a HOLY God and He says we should be HOLY as HE is HOLY . How can we do that ? That 's like telling me to quit drinking water . I can 't talk without it . How do I be Holy ? And then there is the final part of that passage . the Son wants to bring glory to the Father , period and as long as what you ask is going to bring glory , he says you may ask me for ANYTHING in my name and I WILL DO IT . This is where you find out what brings Him glory - sometimes its the smallest thing , because it pleases Him to please us / me . This is where you learn trust . Because you believe that He will do what He says He will do . For me this was a harder road than I would have ever believed . I thought I trusted . But I didn 't . God knew I didn 't . He told me so . And then He said … but you will . I would tell you it is so much easier to do it His way in the beginning than your own way . You will find in searching for that peace and trustworthiness in every other place but God 's House , that it was right here waiting for you all the time . One other thought - when we answer that door and invite Him in . the Holy Spirit comes in to stay . This is where again , you trust , because your mind can 't get around the idea of the Trinity . But this is what I know . the Holy Spirit is God also . So just as the Father was in Jesus and Jesus was in the Father , so is the Father in the Holy Spirit and the Holy Spirit in Him . And like Jesus , all things are said and done to glorify the Father who sits on the throne of the Godhead . Now think about this , don 't miss it ; the Holy Spirit which is in the Father and the Father is in Him is also in You . That means that the Father is also in YOU . This is truly the greatest of all gifts that the God of the Universe , the King of Kings and Lord of Lords , our Creator of all things could give , He is IN YOU . He makes you able , Jesus says to do things even greater than He did . I am not talking about those things this morning - just His indwelling and the miracle of it all - but do you see now why He would say Be Holy as I am Holy ? You are my Righteousness ? Your body is the Temple of God ? this is all why . There are so many other important parts in this particular passage , but these spoke to me today . How long do I have to have those quiet times with my Lord in the morning ? either because He has come for me , or persecution has - and I 'll be the first to go . Because we are so close - on the very edge of eternity . I am so ready for this and then I think of beloved friends and family that I know don 't know my Lord Jesus and I think , tarry , just a little while more … surely they will come . if you are that person , don 't wait another day , another hour , another minute . Don 't take the chance . He 's standing at the door and knocking still , may I come in ? ? ? From Romans 3 : 2 - 3 ( Paul had just asked what what advantage was there to being a Jew ) Much in every way ! FIRST OF ALL , they have been entrusted with the very words of God ! What if some did not have faith ? Will their lack of faith nullify God 's faithfulness ? Not at all ! Let God be true , and every man a liar . The scripture I have chosen may seem a little strange to you . But to me it says that regardless of whether people have faith , God is faithful . This was especially important in regards to my brother in law . Those were praying with me for him to agree to go to Moffit for a 2nd opinion , will remember my concerns for his fatalistic attitude . Our first appointment was 2 weeks ago last Thursday . They took a lot of blood for their own testing and talked with him about possible treatments . When we went back last Wednesday for more blood tests and a review of what they had found , we were shocked . After thinking that he had CLL Leukemia for 3 years , he doesn 't ! He has splenic B cell marginal zone lymphoma . This is a totally different blood cancer than the leukemia ; which of course means that the chemo for the leukemia would be far different that what will be needed for the lymphoma . On Tuesday this coming week , he will have a bone marrow biopsy as well as a blood transfusion . ( He has gotten severely anemic ) Then we will all go back on the 12th . We are to get final results , which means for sure the name of what he has ! They are still freaked ! They will tell us what the latest blood results are , what the bone marrow biopsy showed and finally what treatment is recommended and hopefully everything they know about the lymphoma . The doctor we 've been talking to and who has been ordering his tests is a CLL Leukemia Doc and we hope to be moved to a Splenic B Cell marginal zone lymphoma doc . So again , all I can say is that I am so very thankful to our Lord for HIS faithfulness . I was reading earlier today in Isaiah - yes , my favorite book ! and there it said The Lord has NEVER broken a covenant with His people , but His people have broken every covenant with Him . So this week I ask you my friends and fellow believers to pray again for him - for that breakthru - to - for the right doctor , for all of the remaining tests to go well . Yes I have been nominated yet once more …… for the Illuminating Blogger Award . This time I was nominated by Diane http : / / writerwannbe232 . wordpress . com / Diane is one of the sweetest , most caring people that I know . She and I have have had some similar experiences in out lives in that God drew us to Him by our physical problems which didn 't have any answers . From the start , we 've talked on the phone and shared so much . I am proud to call her my friend . thank you Diane for all of the gifting , the teaching , the editing , the getting my site straight , " just because you thought I had something to share and wanted to make it easier for others to find " . If there were a Queen of Bloggers award , you should get it ! I hear you helping so many others as well . If you have not checked out Diane 's sites writerwannabe ( she is one ! ! ) or hometogo232 you should just for the privilge of connecting with her . 1 . Momentum of Joy - http : / / momentumofjoy . wordpress . com Jo , I watch for your posts , because I know I am going to get a laugh out loud moment ! You are the only one with the consistently happy , joyous look at the world despite the circumstances . I am pretty sure you already have this one . Now you can balance your page with lights ! The past 2 days God has really been speaking to me , guiding , and confirming that guidance . I wish I had all the time in the world to relate to everyone all the details - except to say , I am going to take everyone at their word , that what I have written should be shared with hurting people everywhere . I don 't know whether He is going to do that sharing exclusively through books or speaking , but I have said " I will do whatever You want me to do . " I wasn 't " there " until today . I still have no details , no understanding of how God intends for any of this to happen . But I know that He needed me to first be available to Him and His leading . I may ask many times in the future what you think of this vs that ? Because y ' all are the first people who believed in me and encouraged me to write . I may try out chapter titles on you , I may even have you trying out book titles . . From talking with others I have found that this is a long drawn out process . So don 't expect me to come up with something overnight unless the Lord does it . His Ways are not my Ways , His Thoughts are not my Thoughts and His Time is not my Time . I may not talk about it all the time , but it 's going on in the back room . I am writing these days instead of reading for pleasure . But I believe that God will honor what He is calling me to do and make it successful somehow . In the meantime , here is a little more praise from me to the Father . I think , by the way , that amazing and incredible should be reserved to be used ONLY when talking about Him and everything He does . For those who knew it was my birthday on Wednesday , thank you for those good wishes , for those who didn 't know , don 't worry about it . When I was younger and until this year , I have only celebrated my birthdays on the decade . But as the last 2 yrs have been a little more dicey than the previous years , I have decided to celebrate every year and when I feel like it any day of any month that needs celebrating ! What should I not celebrate ? I am a child of the king of the universe ! The very creator of all things , the one who has always been and will always be ; who is mighty and powerful , yet so personal and compassionate , there is no one like my Father which is in heaven . Holy , holy , holy be your name ! I am so filled with wonder that you called me by name , that you wanted me to be your own . So important that you sent your own Son to die for my sins to make perfect to enter your heaven … that you planned this out from before the world was even made . Oh yes , You are too wonderous to behold , to understand , to do anything but worship You . You are amazing God . Amazing should be strictly a word reserved for describing You . Incredible would be another word that would be used to describe You and the things that you do . Oh , Holy , holy , holy be your name . Righteousness , I am your Righteousness , I must stay clean and pure for the Lord God of Heaven and Earth that I am never tarnished Righteousness , but bright shining as the Sun . I am the Temple of the Holy Spirit , my body is no longer my own . It should reflect the Son . My name is Cynthia - which is the moon in reflection of the sun , but in my case the reflection of the Son . Oh Holy , holy , holy be your name . I just want to praise you O Lord for all that You have done in the last few weeks . The people I have met , the validations I have received , the new friends , the new knowledge , and confidence , oh Lord God , all of these are from you ! How I praise You ! How I love You ! OH Holy , holy , holy be your name . Oh Father tonight I bring a new name before you to call to you . His precious wife is a new friend , my Lord . It seems that he is a good man and they have a daughter together and he tolerates her faith . But oh Lord , my God how wonderful it is to pray with your husband , to know that your husband is praying to the alive and real God of the Universe for you instead of a long dead god who is really no god at all . O my Lord , grant her this desire of her heart to see her husband come to know you too . Pray with me all of you out there that I love back . Now you too are part of my family , my sphere . And as I told a man that wants me to work with him to place this is the way I work , I have to be free to pray for you - God is the one who gives the guidance for each person I work with . Thankfully it was ok . So many to pray for - that 's why I am praying and talking to the Father all day long - otherwise my quiet time would be all day long ! ! LOL - For all those who have said it 's like He is sitting right there with you . He is . I couldn 't do it otherwise . He knows it all . Oh Holy , Holy Holy is the Lord God Almighty and greatly to be praised . I am Cynthia , soon nicknamed Cindy , the first born of the Hungerford clan . I was the first girl in several generations in the family and so a big surprise for everyone . My dad cared for me in those first months of my life as he was finishing his PHD and my mom was working as a designer in Knoxville . I 've carefully read my baby book and believe that for the first time in his life my Dad experienced unconditional love with me . He wouldn 't have characterized it as such , because he didn 't know what it was nor had he experienced it aside from my mother 's love . But as I grew up and until he went to be with Jesus , Daddy and I had an understanding and a special relationship . I believed everything he said and tried - until my teens anyway - to do everything he wanted me to . In first grade , I told my teacher that my dad said the moon was made of green cheese . She said absolutely not ! But I argued with her and got sent to the principal 's office . I explained that my dad said it - so it was true ! Poor Daddy , he had to go down to the principal 's office and explain and apologize ! When Dad died , I had all these flashbacks of him and me . At six , my first Christmas I remember the handmade doll furniture for my doll . My first bike and teaching me to ride without training wheels . A Halloween parade where he made me the most a awesome tail that curled and pitchfork for my devil costume - this was before we knew any better ! Of course in my teens things changed a lot ! I wanted to be a part of the crowd . Dad didn 't want me out there at all . I seemed to get grounded all the time . When I was 15 , I was grounded and had to ask him to please let me go with my boyfriend to his prom - he relented and let me go . But I had to be home by 1am and couldn 't go to the beach with everybody or have breakfast with them . I didn 't understand why ? When I was 16 and had my birthday party at home and the kids started dancing - he shut it down . I was mad at him for a long time . I didn 't care that our church preached against dancing and he was a deacon - and needed to adhere to the church 's doctrines . But that was Dad - at that point in his life he was still about works and earning his salvation . Life with my dad was not easy as a teen , but after I married my Dennis at 29 , I seemed to finally grow up and when we moved toTampa in 1984 , I purposed to have a closer relationship with both my parents . This led to much visiting and really getting to know my father as a person . For this , I really have to thank my husband . Because it was to him that my dad opened up . Dennis is a little older than I and studied and read quite a bit about World War II . I guess he encouraged my dad to talk , because talk he did ! I would be around for some of it , but I would use that time to take my mom out to shop , do her hair , nails , etc . So Dennis would fill me in when I questioned him about the rest of the stories ! For the first time , I heard about his early life and his war years . I finally understood why he was the way he was - military straight , absolutes because of his nuclear physics education and lack of love in his home growing up . When he stood at my mom 's funeral and said that she was the first person to love him unconditionally - he was being truthful . I am glad that I had come to love him unconditionally long ago . First in obedience to God 's word , but then simply because I loved my dad and could never stay mad at him long ! After mom 's funeral , he came to stay with Dennis and me for three weeks . It was a precious time I am so thankful for now . We talked about his salvation experience and his great regrets in his life . How very much he loved his children , but couldn 't express it . How proud he was of everyone for their teaching their own children about Jesus . That we , his children were believers . That was his greatest legacy . I was sent a card by one of my staff at work . It said " Remember that your father left the world a legacy in the good and caring person that you have grown to be . And in this time of sadness may it help comfort you to know that he is still a part of all you are and do . I had thought to write a Father 's Day tribute , but this one which I tweaked a little from the eulogy for him is the best one I could have ever written for him . The Bible has a lot to say about Fathers . They are to honored . We are to heed their instruction . In fact it says several times to honor and to heed . At least in the last years of his life , my dad knew I loved him - even on the day that he thought that he would lose my love if he told me his story . All I cared about was that he had a story ! The day that we cleaned out his apartment and we were on our way home coming across I - 4 . I was crying and praying . I asked the Lord for a sign that Mom and Dad were up there with Him and singing and dancing … I knew ( or thought I knew , I was wrong ) that God didn 't give signs but please God give me a sign . I need a sign so much . And just a minute or two later , here comes a little red plane buzzing by our car and then up in the sky he goes and begins to draw … a … smiley face … and then he is writing … Jesus … loves … you ! well , there was my sign . How else could an airplane draw up by our car , then do draw a smiley face and write Jesus love you - right after I have asked for the sign ? to read a sign in the sky , you have to be in just the right place as we were . I called all my sibs and told them . I think they were just as happy to hear this as I was to see it ! There have been a lot of changes in the family since Daddy died . My youngest sister has had 2 little boys a year apart . My oldest granddaughter has accepted the Lord Jesus into her heart . And she has a new sister who is now 3 . A couple of my brothers kids have graduated high school and started college and he and wife Lesley had one more little girl and my sister 's kids - Anna graduated college this year and Beau started this year and made DEAN 's list . Dad would have been proud . He would have been thrilled with all the babies ! He might have had a hard time interacting with children especially as he got older and couldn 't hear , but there was no one that loved having his family around more than he did . I am better with my grieving now of course than I was even a year ago . But I still cry and I still miss him - and my momma too of course . I had no idea that they were so much my foundation - but in losing them , I found my God who said He would now be my father . He would be my Rock and my Foundation . He would provide for me , protect me , care for me , teach me all things - including trusting him implictly . Hard lesson to learn but wonderful peace to have . Not that He was not there before , but now it is only Him . I love you , Daddy . I began to look for my daily " surprise " and yet apparently , I wasn 't taking things seriously enough . I had met a man at a networking meeting last month . He was very nice and polite and waited patiently until he was the last one in the group for me to speak with . I was very honest with him and told him I didn 't think I could help him … he 's a specialty engineer - who owned his own company - but it was just him . He was willing to be an engineer on any project , move anywhere - He just needed some direction and someone to be honest with him about his resume - which I didn 't see until later . He sent it , but did not follow - up until Thursday asking me for just a few minutes of my time . I emailed him back asking him to call me on Friday afternoon . And of course he called and so did everyone else ! even my boss ! Finally I had to tell him I 'd call him right back and once I got everyone off the phone , I did call back . We had gone through his resume and I had pretty much ripped it up and taken all of the ownership and principle wording out - Leaving his great accomplishments on projects , his accreditation 's , all the things that were important . Then I told him what we were going to do to market him and how I was to work with . What I do is thank the Lord for him and the job that He has for him . Ask him that my time would be profitable . And then I explained too that I pray for my candidates . I asked him if he had any problems with any of that ? He said , " Cindy , I was raised a Hindu , but I am empty and searching " . I told him he had come to the right place and thanked him for his persistence ! ! I said why don 't we start at the beginning . That 's how you build correctly is starting there - again , God inspired ! - I told him I wanted him to get an NIV Study Bible . I wanted him to start in Genesis , and to read it like it is - God 's story . I ready the first few verses to him and said do you see the Spirit of God there as well as God , and Do you see Jesus as well ? Yes , he did . What a wonderful beginning . I told him I was sure that God will start teaching him even as he is reading the story . and you know why ? Because he is seeking and the Lord said if you seek me you will find me . And to think that I was almost too busy ! ! ! Thankfully the Lord saves me from myself most of the time . I can 't wait to see what He is going to do with this man and his family . Jesus is speaking to His disciples : But when they arrest you , do not worry about what to say or how to say it . At that time you will be given what to say , for it will not be you speaking , but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you . . How can you possibly stay so close that the Spirit will speak ? How do we have the fruits of the Spirit - of which self - control , patience , relying on Him is so key ? Look at John 15 : 1 - 4 This is how we do it . This would have been a much better answer to my two new lady friends . But I 'll catch up to them and share . And you know how I got some of these verses and thoughts ? Today 's service which was just for me ! I need to learn another lesson . I am the true vine and my Father is the gardener . He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit , while every branch that does bear fruit , he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful . You are already clear because of the word I have spoken to you . Remain in me , and I will remain in you . No branch can bear fruit by itself ; it must remain in the vine . Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me . actually going out and endangering my life all the while making a difference in someone else 's . I do stand in awe of you ladies ! I am privileged to call you friends Well , you could really knock me over with a feather tonight when I saw this new award . I really , really appreciate and treasure each award . For me it is telling that I am on the right track saying and doing exactly what my Father wants me to do . This week has been full of those validations . I didn 't realize that I needed them so much ! But my Father knew - and made sure that I got just what I needed - just as He always does . Last night I spoke with one of my candidates . His father had passed from this life to eternity on Saturday . I spoke with him very briefly Sunday and he had mentioned that he had thought of me when he was with his father in his last half hour of life . I didn 't quite know what to make of that . But then when we spoke yesterday he explained . You see , often when you are speaking of someone 's hopes and dreams , you speak of faith as well if it is important to the person and to him it was important . So we had exchanged a few stories over the last 2 - 3 months we 've been talking - one of them was about my dad who has also passed on . It seems our dads were alike . We commiserated with each other a bit , but I also had told him about how I had found out 1 week before he died exactly what my dad 's story was . I asked because I was afraid that he had not story at all . Instead he had quite a story - a brilliant mind ( he was a nuclear physicist ) regardless of what the Bible said , he still thought he needed to earn his way into heaven - he tried for over 60 years ! When I finally got him to tell me about it . He said , " I 'll tell you , but you won 't love me anymore " . You see my Dad still didn 't understand unconditional love or grace . Even after he " gave it all up " as he called it and knew that at that moment the Holy Spirit truly came into his heart - He still had a very difficult time believing that anyone would love him unless he behaved a certain way , or acted a certain - even me . I , of course , simply put my arms around him and told him how much I loved him - that I had always loved him even when I was mad at him . I didn 't stop loving him . He still asked me if I was sure that I still loved him - because his life had been a lie and he had been a hypocrite . I just looked at him through my tears and said , " that 's why Jesus came , Daddy . " A little over a week later , he was gone , gone to be with my mom and Jesus in heaven . So somehow in sharing my story and maybe other stories - I never know later what we 've talked about - just that we 've connected . I know my candidate a little better , they know me a little better . So whatever I had shared apparently helped this young man make absolutely sure that his dad was going to make it to heaven as well . I am in awe of a great and mighty God that puts people together to help one another - sometimes when you don 't even know you are helping - but God knows - because He knows the future and everything that is going to touch me in any way , shape or form and it 's got to be filtered through His fingers . I am comforted by that knowledge . The " Mrs . Sparkly 's Ten Commandments Award " has to do with a woman of the same name , known for being very elegant and having high expectations , and who is committed to maintaining integrity , good manners and behavior , as well as a rich sense of humor . I have been told that I am elegant . I have been told that I have too high expectations of me and others . I have been told that I have integrity , good manners , and good behavior ( thank you , Mama ) But I don 't know about the rich sense of humor . I often don 't get the jokes . I do take things too seriously even when people are trying to ' lighten up ' . But I am trying to be better and ' lighter about everything ' . So again , I am grateful for the award and will try to live up to its name and keep its commandments . the best - is reading what God puts into the minds and hearts of others that so reasonates with me , that you form true bonds , friendship , love and caring for these people you haven 't physically met , but that doesn 't matter because you KNOW them . the worst thing is not having enough time to read all the blogs I want to read . I could read 24 / 7 for a week I think and still only mabe make a dent . 10 . She is absolutely so loving and giving . She is always concerned about the other person - not herself . I am not surprised that she is constantly be awarded because she is such a dear , sweet , giving person . She listens , if she can help fix something she does - she 's the best editor I 've ever had . I love her . She 's Diane and would you all join with me in tell her to put up the website called writerwannabe … because she already is , right ? ? ? He is the Image of the invisible God , the firstborn over all creation . For by him all things were created : things in heaven and on earth , visible and invisible , whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities ; all things were created by him and for him . He is before all things and in him all things hold together . I read this passage and if you read it in sections so that you might try to get your mind around it , the first thing I see is that He is the Image of the invisible God - God the Father , Our Creator . In Genesis , it says that God created man in His own image , so it would stand that Jesus also would be the Image of God . He said in John 14 : 9 That anyone who has seen Him has seen the Father and just before that He had said that if you know me , you would know the Father as well . Image means the exact representation of the likeness . He is saying here that if you have seen me , you have seen God . I am God . Then we have this little section that says the firstborn of creation ! Does this mean that Jesus was a created being ? No ! He is the firstborn , only Son of God , which is speaking to his priority . Number 1 . He also was the firstborn to die a total death and burial of 3 days only to rise again . He was there in the beginning with God the Father and God the Holy Spirit when things were being created . Genesis 1 : 1 - 2 God created the heavens and the earth . Now the earth was formless and empty , darkness was over the surface of the deep and the Spirit of God was hovering ( vibrating , literally ) over the waters . And for the next few days , God was very busy creating till finally the sixth day came . First he created the creatures of the land , livestock and animals of every kind . And He saw that it was good . The God said , " Let us make man in our image , in our likeness . " Man was to rule over the fish , the birds , the livestock , over all the earth and all the creatures that move upon the ground . So God created man in His own Image . He created them male and female . Now after Adam and Eve sinned and were thrown out of the Garden and then began to populate the world according to the scriptures , even back to the beginning there was always someone who had to be in charge ! So they had kings and rulers , princes and authorities . And although we can not see them , angels had been created as well . hundreds of thousands of angels . And somebody wanted to be in charge of them also . In fact , he wanted to be in charge of heaven as well . But GOD IS GOD ! There is NO ONE GREATER , NOT ONE WITH MORE POWER , and so that revolt got put down very quickly . And Hell was prepared for the ANGEL of LIGHT who is SATAN and His angels . Jesus was there and watched him fall . Again , it repeats all things were created by Him and for Him . And He is before all things . So with every gospel I have read , God was saying this is my Beloved Son , Whom I Love And With Whom I Am Well Pleased . Wonder what all the people around this baptism thought when they heard those words coming from Heaven ? Because here was Jesus Christ , the Son of God coming to John the Baptist to be baptized , why ? You know that John asked his cousin ? Why , YOU are the SON of GOD . He knew ! He said he wasn 't worthy to untie his sandal laces . But Jesus knew why . First it was an example for all of those who would come after him . It was Him showing that the Son of God was here to participate in as much as possible as a holy man can . He was also validating John 's ministry . Again , he was the first in all things , just like at creation , or with Jonah in the whale , or David hiding from Saul , HE was always there . And the last little section maybe the most important section to some - because it says that by Him all things are held together . Think about that statement ! that means that 's how the atoms are held together , your body is held together , our universe is held together by His very thought . And yet , some would say - there is no God . I would hate to be that person if God decided not to think about me being " together " - but it is that basic . Some say why doesn 't He take care of us in America better , like He used to ? Well honestly , if it were me , being kicked out of every school , every government building , no one could honor my name in public with a prayer of praise or thanksgiving , and the President of the country said that we are not a Christian country ? I would be calling down the hurricanes and tornadoes and snow and rain and floods , because I am not good and compassionate and long - suffering like He is . I don 't keep hoping day after day that you will wake up and want me back as your God . If I were Him , I would have zapped ME a long time ago . But I am so grateful that my God is so kind and caring and loving and compassionaRelated articles Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
An ebook containing contemporary accounts of the first major battle fought by British troops in the First World War at Mons in 1914 . Complete with explanatory glossary and background . Britain had not fought a major war for 99 years when its army went into action in Belgium in 1914 . Nobody was certain how well the British army would fare in the face of the professional German Army that had fought recent several wars , nor how the British would compare with their French Allies . At the little town of Mons the answer would come in bloody , violent and emphatic fashion . Here contemporary accounts of the British deployment and of the fighting is given in its full original condition , along with an introductory note and an explanatory glossary by historian Leonard James . This ebook is a must for anyone seeking to understand more about the First World War . Contents Written by a key insider and UKIP activist , this book takes a look at the rise of this ground breaking political party that threatens to overthrow the conventional face of British Politics . This book covers both the history of UKIP from its birth amid the turbulent Parliamentary debates over the Maastricht Treaty in the 1990s and an analysis of the party 's current mass appeal . In 1997 , four years after forming the United Kingdom Independence Party , Alan Sked resigned as it 's Party leader claiming that they were " doomed to remain on the political fringes . " Having been formed to focus 2012 became the year when UKIP grew to become the third most supported Political Party in Britain . In 2013 UKIP came close to capturing its first parliamentary seat in a by - election and topped the opinion polls for the first time . As the European elections of 2014 loom CHAPTER SIX - SAM AT HOMESam had been home for a week and it wasn 't getting much better . He was glad to be out of hospital and trying to live a normal life again - but it wasn 't normal and it would never be again . He was a cripple - they told him not to say that word , but that was what he was . A cripple . He could not run , nor even walk nor stand up and his world was full of barriers now that were not barriers before , and weren 't barriers to other people . Stairs , steps , narrow doorways , rough steep ground - and cobbles - bloody cobbles and bloody high kerbs . Everything took more effort and more time ; even getting up and going to bed . And worst of all , most of the boys he had thought were his friends simply couldn 't be bothered to wait for him or help him . People had simply changed , mostly for the worse . Not his sister Sophie though . She was great . A year older than him , she used to be just silly or bossy and never thought about anything except girl things , but now she made time for him . She noticed when he needed help and did things without saying or making a fuss . Sophie was good . But his mother hadn 't changed . He could never forgive her for leaving his father and he had always hoped she would go back home - to their real home with his father - but now she never could . Somehow she seemed sort of mechanical , Sam thought . She looked after him , got his meals and helped him with his clothes , but she didn 't seem to understand he was fourteen and didn 't want his mother dressing him . Anyway , he would have to learn to do things for himself and though it had been embarrassing at first , he would really rather ask Sophie for help if he needed it . As for George - he had been a real surprise . He hadn 't liked George . He had stolen Sam 's mother from his father and broken up their home . And he was a teacher . And he was boring . Yet it was George who had fixed things . He seemed to understand what Sam needed . The house where they lived was quite old and a bit higgledy - piggeldy and George had always hafrom " Ben 's Story " by Norman Tebbit NEW EBOOK - First Battles 1914 First Battles 1914 An ebook containing contemporary accounts of the first battles of the war , fought when the Austro - Hungarian Empire invade Serbia in August 1914 . Complete with explanatory glossary and background . The First World War broke out in the Balkans . When a Serb terrorist murdered Archduke Franz Ferdinand , heir to the Imperial Austro - Hungarian throne , the Austrians saw it as an ideal opportunity to crush the Kingdom of Serbia . The Austrian invasion would spark the outbreak of a general European war , but is itself usually ignored by historians . Here contemporary accounts of the Austrian invasion are reproduced , along with an introductory note and an explanatory glossary by historian Leonard James . This ebook is a must for anyone seeking to understand more about the First World War . ContentsIntroductory note by Leonard JamesChapter 1 BackgroundChapter 2 The Austrian OffensiveGlossaryAbout the AuthorLeonard James has written dozens of books , mostly on history or military subjects for a wide audience . He is uniquely placed to analyse and comment upon the accounts used in the " Eyewitness World War 1 " series . Get your copy HERE CHAPTER SIXTEEN - THE TRAP IS MADE AND BAITEDSam was pleased with his mobile ' phone , even if - as his mother had guessed - Ben was a bit put out that he couldn 't use it . However , it helped to keep Sam from thinking too much about the visit to his father 's flat . Ben , being a dog - even if a very smart dog - found it quite hard to think about things several days ahead in the future and simply got on with his job of looking after Sam . Between them they had most things quite well sorted out . Ben had learned the school routine very well and made sure that Sam had his school bag on the back of his chair and that no - one mucked it about . One or two boys had tried that and backed off pretty smartly when Ben grabbed them firmly by their jacket , trousers or even their hand . Alice was also thinking hard , not just about the visit to the flat , but how to trap Sir John and deliver him to the police , so she had plenty to do . Jack Riley had spent a day with his old friends in the Drugs Squad at Scotland Yard . To his relief he found that although the Squad had been reorganised he knew several of the people in charge of hunting down the drug racketeers . As he told Alice that evening , it was just like old times . " We are in luck " he explained . " They know quite a lot about Sir John and a bit about how he uses the legal company that imports and exports wheat and barley and that sort of stuff as a cover for the drugs business , but they don 't know enough to arrest him , get him convicted and sent to prison for the drugs offences , let alone for murder and they certainly don 't know enough to pick up the people who work for him . In fact they have not listed Sam 's father 's death as murder - let alone that Sir John was the killer . What 's more - the people who work for him are too scared to talk to the police , especially the ones who do know what happened to Sam 's father . Anyway , the police are pretty keen to help us , but they dare not take part in fooling him into giving himself away . You remember what it is like . from " Ben 's Story " by Norman Tebbit EBOOK - Time To Jump - A Positive Vision of a Britain Out of the EU and In EEA Lite [ Kindle Edition ] Product DescriptionForeword by Norman Lamont - former Chancellor of the ExchequerA timely , populist and controversial book that explains in an easy to understand and chatty style what problems face Britain in the UK and how they can be solved . In this book , controversial Member of the European Parliament David Campbell Bannerman puts forward a radical and creative alternative to UK membership of the European Union . Unlike many dry political tracts , this book takes a lively and engaging look at the awkward and dangerous position Britain has got itself into . Drawing on his background in the real world outside of politics - as a leading communications strategist across industry , commerce and government - Campbell Bannerman explains in easy to understand terms and with a chatty writing style exactly how it is possible to leave the EU , why the UK must leave and what we would do instead and what the benefits and freedoms outside the EU are . With the help of carefully gathered facts , figures , quotes and opinions , Campbell Bannerman argues it is time for Britain to Jump out of the EU and into a position that he has dubbed " EEA Lite " . This is a groundbreaking proposal positioned between the EEA Agreement that Norway enjoys and Swiss bilateral trade arrangements . He charts how Britain could take the EEA as a working basis and lighten it up to suit Britain 's unique strengths and needs . He sees the UK leaving the EU Single Market , but retain full access to it for UK exporters for the 8 % of the UK economy trading with the EU . The 92 % of the UK economy has nothing to do with EU trade , but is still forced to apply its laws will be liberated from billions in red tape . EEA Lite will allow the UK to bring in Swiss - style tougher visa - based immigration controls for EU national and to negotiate its own UK trade deals and to re - embrace the Commonwealth . David paints a picture of the UK as a new Singapore sitting off Europe , Get your kindle copy HERE CHAPTER FOUR - CANINE PARTNERSAt 8 o ' clock the next morning Clive Baker was turning out of his drive and heading for Exeter grumbling to himself about the rush hour traffic . However much he tried not to keep asking himself why a lost dog in Exeter had his name on his collar his mind kept coming back to that question . What was it the police officer had said - he was " a very smart dog . " Well , thought Clive , if he is , then wherever he has come from , perhaps he could be trained as a " canine partner . " There was never a shortage of disabled people of all kinds who needed a trained dog to help them , and now his old friend , Shah , the senior consultant at the Stoke Mandeville spinal injuries hospital had asked if he could find a dog for Sam Pearson . Sam was fourteen years old . His parents had parted and Shah had told him that as if that was not bad enough , his father had been killed in a car crash which had left Sam paralysed from his waist down . " He needs a friend - a real friend that he can always trust , " Shah had said . " The people in his life have let him down . He needs a dog - one of your dogs - and he needs it now because he is leaving hospital very soon and he feels very lost and lonely . " It was all very well for Shah to say the boy needed a dog , but dogs take time to train and every dog at Canine Partners anywhere near ready to start work was already allocated to someone . But perhaps if Ben really was smart , he was the answer . After all , what had the old lady , Miss Hanson , told him ? That the dog had come from Russia to Exeter , met up with an old lady and landed up as a lost dog in the police station ? After a while Clive Baker gave up asking himself questions he could not possibly answer and got on with his journey to Exeter . It was not quite 11 o ' clock as he turned off the A30 into Exeter and followed the signs to the police station . For some reason he felt slightly nervous as he walked up to the desk and asked for PC Hudson . " Yes , " said the clerk . " Can I tell him what it is about ? " " Of from " Ben 's Story " By Norman Tebbit Written by a key insider and UKIP activist , this book takes a look at the rise of this ground breaking political party that threatens to overthrow the conventional face of British Politics . This book covers both the history of UKIP from its birth amid the turbulent Parliamentary debates over the Maastricht Treaty in the 1990s and an analysis of the party 's current mass appeal . In 1997 , four years after forming the United Kingdom Independence Party , Alan Sked resigned as it 's Party leader claiming that they were " doomed to remain on the political fringes . " Having been formed to focus 2012 became the year when UKIP grew to become the third most supported Political Party in Britain . In 2013 UKIP came close to capturing its first parliamentary seat in a by - election and topped the opinion polls for the first time . As the European elections of 2014 loom CHAPTER SEVENTEEN - THE WAITINGFor Sam the next few days dragged slowly by and there was little Ben could do to help him , except to make sure he was up , dressed , had breakfast , got to school on time and paid attention in class . Ben could always tell when Sam 's mind drifted away from a lesson in class to begin to worry about what might happen at the flat on Saturday . When that happened he would give Sam a nudge and whisper very quietly , " Pay attention Sam . " It was very different for Alice and Jack . Jack had to go into Islington in North London on Monday to visit the dodgy car dealer at Water 's Autos to make sure he would be well out of the way before Jack told Sir John that his car had not been destroyed . That did not take long . Jack soon found Water 's Autos and started to look at the second hand cars , and it was not very many moments before the dealer , John Waters , was at his side . " Looking for anything special ? " he asked . " Well yes , " replied Jack . " How about a silver 2009 BMW with a bit of damage on the nearside ? One that used to be owned by International Grain Transport and Trading . . . ? " Waters , the car dealer , looked around as if to make sure no one was in earshot before turning back to Jack . " No , I ain 't - nothing like that . . . " but Jack cut him short . " But Sir John thinks you have . That 's why I 'm asking you . He thinks you didn 't burn it and get it crushed for scrap . He thinks you might try to blackmail him . And I think he will be coming to see you - or perhaps he might send one of his friends to see you . . . " By now Waters was white with anger and fear . " What the Hell has any of that got to do with you - and anyway , who the Hell are you ? " Jack smiled . " Just call me Jack . I could be your friend and I 've got some friendly advice for you . Don 't contact Sir John . That would be very dangerous for you . I know all about the car and about Sir John . And I know quite a lot about you , but I don 't want anything unpleasant to happen to you - or your girl friend . So I 've brofrom " Ben 's Story " by Norman Tebbit The battle also marked the death of Richard de la Pole , nephew of King Richard III of England and the last Yorkist pretender to the English throne . This battle fought in Italy therefore marked the true end to the Wars of the Roses . A Spanish - Imperial army under the nominal command of Charles de Lannoy ( and working in conjunction with the garrison of Pavia , commanded by Antonio de Leyva ) attacked the French army under the personal command of Francis I of France in the great hunting preserve of Mirabello outside the city walls . In the four - hour battle , the French army was split and defeated in detail . The French suffered massive casualties , including many of the chief nobles of France ; Francis himself , captured by the Spanish troops , was imprisoned by Charles V and CHAPTER ONE - STOKE MANDEVILLE HOSPITALThe boy lay awake in his hospital bed in the spinal injuries unit at Stoke Mandeville . It is never quite dark in hospital wards and he could see the humps in the beds where other patients were sleeping , and the clock on his bedside locker . It was still only 3 am . Time always dragged in the hospital , especially at night . Before long it would be different . After six months Sam knew he would soon be going home again - but nothing at home would be the same . He was not the same . He would never walk again . Nor would he ever see his father again . His father was dead . His life - everything - had all changed in those moments when the car swerved off the road , down the bank and hit the tree . And now nothing could ever change things back again . What had happened had happened . That was that . Sam could not remember much about the crash , until he found himself in the hospital bed with tubes in his mouth and nose and bottles of blood hanging on frames over his head . It had been a terrible nightmare of people shouting , blue lights flashing , stretchers , fire engines , the ambulance men lifting him out of the wrecked car . He remembered asking , " Where 's my father ? What happened to him ? " but no - one had told him then that his father was dead . It had been bad enough when his mother and father had parted . He worked very late and sometimes he was away for days at a time . She said he was never at home . He said that was what it was like if you wanted to be a top crime reporter on TV . Then one day his mother took Sam and his sister and they left to live in George 's house a couple of miles away . Sam 's mother thought he was great , but Sam and his sister were not so sure . Being a teacher was bad enough , but he was well , just boring and their father had been well , not always there , but when he was , anything but boring . He was fun . Now it would be far worse . Sam 's father would never again be there to take them out to fun things like films and concerts and football , or even museums . On the nifrom " Ben 's Story " by Norman TebbitGet your copy HERE rally to their cause the rebels were expecting help from the King of France , but it was Prince Edward ( later King EdwardI ) who got there first with a royal army . The resulting battle began in the fields south of the town , but moved into the streets of the town and ended in the churchyard where the last rebels surrendered . This book follows the standard pattern set by others in the Bretwalda Battles series . The reasons for and course of the war in question are outlined , then detailed analyses of weapons , tactics and strategies are given with particular reference to this battle . The course of the battleis then followed , with comment on what there is to see at the site today . Short biographies of the commanders are also given . The aftermath of the battle , its effects and importance to the progress of the war are then described . ContentsIntroductionChapter 1 The March to ChesterfieldChapter 2 Leaders at ChesterfieldChapter 3 Men , Weapons and TacticsChapter 4 The Battle of ChesterfieldChapter 5 AftermathAbout the AuthorRupert The Sassenach 's Escape Manual : A ( Mostly ) Impartial Guide to Scottish Identity & Independence [ Kindle Edition ] So , you 're trying to explain to a Sassenach the issues around Scottish Independence and Devolution . Or you 're anEnglishman stuck in a pub in Glasgow faced by irate locals . Will Scotland remain a member of the EU ? What currency will you spend in Scottish shops ? What will happen to cross border trade between England and Scotland ? What if the Shetlands want to rejoin Norway ? And just how will the Loch Ness Monster survive ( if she exists ) ? This wee tome gives the answers in a lively and easy to understand fashion while drawing on Scottish history and tradition . A joint venture between a Sassenach , seeking to understand , a Highlander keen to explain and a Glaswegian who sees both sides , this book explains in wry terms the issues confronting Scotland today . The politicians and pundits are obsessed on the debate about where Scotland fits into the national jigsaw called the United Kingdom - and on Scotland 's place in the world . But far too often the debate is couched in jargon or assumes the reader knows the background to issues that can be complex , involved and demand specialist knowledge . And if Scotland does vote for independence the reverberations will be felt not only across Britain , but also across the EU and the world . It is time people woke up to the potential problems , opportunities and pitfalls . Get your Kindle version HERE CHAPTER EIGHT - BEN JOINS SAMSam 's mother , to his great relief , seemed pleased when he told her that evening . Then , as mothers do , she began to organise things ready for Ben . Sam had been afraid she really did not want him to have a dog , but she seemed happy enough even suggesting ( to Sam 's delight ) that Ben should sleep in his room . " But , not on your bed . We 'll get him one of his own tomorrow morning . And you , Sam , will be responsible for feeding him and taking him for walks . And if he makes a mess - you will have to clear it up - even if you are in a wheelchair . " Sam was almost too happy to hear what she was saying . He hardly noticed what he was eating for dinner or what was on the TV for thinking about bringing Ben home . He was up early next morning waiting for George to take him to the pet shop to buy everything Ben would need before going to fetch him from Canine Partners . Being a Labrador , Ben ate his dinner as usual and had no trouble in falling asleep . Although his dreams were about Boris and his life in Russia , once he was awake , Ben began to think about his new life . Most important of all , Clive Baker had not told anyone his secret . Should he tell Sam ? He really would have to , but suppose Sam told other people ? What then ? It was all rather difficult , so Ben did what dogs are good at doing . He simply put it to the back of his mind and thought about breakfast instead . So much had happened since Boris had told him he had to come to England less than a month ago and despite his worries , Ben just hoped that after all his adventures life would settle down . Whenever he did think about his journey , he thought most of all about the little old lady , Alice Hanson . It was she who had helped him when he had felt really alone and lost . It was odd , he often thought , but she was a bit like Boris . She had an air of authority about her and people did what she said . Strangely enough , although Ben could not have known , the little old lady , Alice Hanson , had been thinking about him too . It was more than two weeks from " Ben 's Story " by Norman Tebbit the rescue . This is the story of the rescue mission , including the search for bodies that followed . The story of the tragic sinking of RMS Titanic is well known , but less well known today are the frantic efforts made by more than a dozen ships to get to her to rescue her passengers and crew . Although the Cunard liner " Carpathia " was first on the scene , she was joined by three other ships within a couple of hours , and others were on their way . We read about the Russian cook preparing vast gallons of vegetable soup for survivors , the rescue ship that nearly hit an iceberg itself and the confusion over the radio waves as messages were sent , lost or misinterpreted . Above all we read of the gallant efforts of hundreds of seamen desperate to obey the rules of the sea and go to the rescue . Oliver Hayes has gone back to contemporary newspaper reports , personal letters and the official inquiries held on both sides of the Atlantic to research this book . The result is a meticulously researched volume detailing the exciting story of the rescue mission to save the Titanic . The original painting " Carpathia to the Rescue " featured on the cover is available as a print signed by the artist . That evening as Jack and Alice finished dinner , Alice put her hands flat on the table and said , " Well , Jack . We 've got a really interesting problem here . What do you think ? " " I suppose the first thought that came to my mind was why not hand over the whole thing to the police . . . ? " said Jack . " And why not ? " interrupted Alice . " We don 't have to be involved do we ? " " No - but what evidence do we have ? " Jack continued . " Let 's think what we do know . Sir John did behave oddly at the prizegiving . He is the boss of International Grain Transport & Trading . A car belonging to his firm followed Sam 's father 's car from London out to Brent Cross , and another followed it to somewhere past Watford . And we know that the second car was sold just after that to a dodgy dealer who said it caught fire and was a write - off . We can 't prove the smash wasn 't an accident . We can 't prove Sir John had anything to do with it - or with drug smuggling . " " That 's a very good summary , " said Alice . " But either with the police or without them , I think we will have to set a trap for Sir John and let him drop himself right in it . There is no real rush . Sir John is not fool enough to do anything to the boy . He thinks he has got away with it . In the morning I 'll go home and perhaps I 'll call on poor Clive Baker again . " " And why would you do that Alice ? " asked Jack . " Just what is it about that dog that you need to discuss with Clive Baker ? " Alice smiled , yawned and said , " I think it 's time for my bed . Goodnight Jack - thank you for dinner , " as she got up and headed for the stairs . A book dedicated to the four sieges of Newark during the English Civil War , the last of which marked the collapse of Royalist power in the Midlands . In 1642 King Charles I summoned Newark to support him , which it did with men , money and munitions . The city and castle where thereafter a loyal bastion of Royalist support on the edge of Parliamentarian territory . A roundhead attackin 1643 was driven off , as was a desultory siege in 1644 . In 1645 the Roundheads arrived in large numbers , with heavy cannon and great determination . The Royalist garrison fougth back with imagination and courage , turning this into a text book example of 17th century seigework . After seven months garrison then detailed analyses of weapons , tactics and strategies are given with particular reference to this battle . The course of the battleis then followed , with comment on what there is to see at the site today . Short biographies of the commanders are also given . The aftermath of the Clive Baker was wide awake well before his alarm was due to sound at 6 . 30 . " God , " he thought as he woke . " What a weird dream that was about a talking dog . " And then he realised he hadn 't been dreaming . He swung out of bed , slipped on a dressing gown and went down to the kitchen to make tea as usual - half hoping that it had been a dream and that he wouldn 't find a dog down there . But he did . Ben , still curled up by the big Aga cooker , opened an eye , but kept his head down waiting to see what would happen next . Clive , playing the same game , ignored the dog , filled the kettle , put a teacup , saucer and jug of milk on the tray and turned on the radio . Perhaps because they remain closer to their past thousands of years ago when they were hunters than man does to his hunting days , dogs are usually more patient than humans and Ben won the waiting game . Clive gave in and spoke first . " Good morning Ben . Did you sleep well ? " Ben sighed . Humans did sometimes ask silly questions . Why on earth should a Labrador not sleep well ? If there is nothing better to do , then a Labrador will simply close his eyes and take a nap . " Yes thank you , " he replied politely . " But I would like to go out for a moment - and could I have some breakfast please ? " Clive opened the door and as Ben sniffed the air before strolling down the garden , he thought there is no doubt about it . Ben might be a very unusual Labrador , but he certainly was a Labrador . Clive found the dog food , poured some into a bowl and put it down beside the water bowl on the floor , then watched Ben exploring the garden , head down , tail up wagging confidently , sniffing around the plants . A few minutes later whilst Clive was making his breakfast toast , a sharp bark told him that Ben was waiting to come in . In moments he hoovered up his breakfast and curled up under the table as Clive buttered his toast . The waiting game continued . To anyone watching it would have looked like any well mannered dog at his master 's feet waiting to see what the day would bring . ButAn extract from " Ben 's Story " by Norman Tebbit Written by a key insider and UKIP MEP , this book takes a look at the rise of this ground breaking political party that threatens to overthrow the conventional face of British Politics . This book covers both the history of UKIP from its birth amid the turbulent Parliamentary debates over the Maastricht Treaty in the 1990s and an analysis of the party 's current mass appeal . In 1997 , four years after forming the United Kingdom Independence Party , Alan Sked resigned as it 's Party leader claiming that they were " doomed to remain on the political fringes . " Having been formed to focus 2012 became the year when UKIP grew to become the third most supported Political Party in Britain . In 2013 UKIP came close to capturing its first parliamentary seat in a by - election and topped the opinion polls for the first time . As the European elections of 2014 loom CHAPTER NINE - BEN VISITS HIS FATHER ' S FLAT - ALICE GOES TO TRINGAs Ben and Sam were getting up on Monday morning to go to Sam 's father 's flat , Alice Hanson was already up drinking her first cup of tea , wondering if she should telephone Clive Baker to enquire about Ben . She tried to forget about it and get on with her breakfast , but it was no good . Eventually , she pushed aside her breakfast toast and folded shut her newspaper . She was irritated with herself . It was less than three weeks , she told herself , since she had taken the lost Labrador dog , Ben , to the police station in Exeter . She knew that Clive Baker had collected him because the police had told her so when she enquired . But what had happened since ? It was no good - her curiosity was getting the better of her . She knew that she had not imagined it all . Well , she really couldn 't have done , could she - she thought . But every now and again she had begun to doubt herself . After all , dogs can 't talk - but then , Ben had talked to her . She just had to know . The question was how to find out without making a fool of herself . However , she looked at it , the answer was always the same . Her only contact with Ben was through Clive Baker at Canine Partners , so somehow without looking plain silly , she would have to ' phone him and ask after the dog . She hesitated time and time again . She half read the morning paper - hesitated again , then pulled herself together . " Come on , " she thought . " Come on - it is going 9 . 30 am , so Clive Baker will be in his office . The number is still on my mobile ' phone - I 'll give him a call . " Moments later the ' phone rang on Clive Baker 's desk . " It 's the old lady , " Clive 's secretary , Jean , told him . " The one who rang about Ben . Do you remember ? " Clive groaned . " Not her - the one who said the police would ring . What does she want ? " " Just to ask if Ben is alright I think , " said Jean . " Shall I put her through ? " Clive took a deep breath . " Alright - I can 't really avoid talking tofrom " Ben 's Story " by Norman Tebbit believe they might have been abducted by aliens , back in 1966 when the first book detailing the Hill case " The Interrupted Journey " was first published , the New England couple 's claims of alien contact were almost unheard of . There had been the famous Contactees of the 1950s , men and women who claimed they had been visited by the human looking occupants of flying saucers with warnings about nuclear war and environmental concerns . But the experiences of the Hills were completely different , reporting beings that were obviously not human , and had no such messages . Richard Thomas is a writer of non - fiction books , magazine articles and newspaper columns . He has written articles on a wide range of subjects for the South Wales Evening Post , Alien Worlds , UFO Matrix , Mindscape , Paranormal Magazine and many other publications . Visit his website at www . richardthomas . eu . demonstrated . It 's an emotive subject in Bigfoot 's home territory of North America , anyhow . The strongest reason for believing in something is having seen it with your own eyes . . . and thousands of Americans say they 've done just that . People who haven 't seen Bigfoot - and that includes most people on this side of the Atlantic - are more likely to be skeptical : " If you can 't produce physical evidence , then it doesn 't exist . " Personally , though , I prefer to keep an open mind . " An ebook containing contemporary accounts of the first major battle fought by British troops in the First World War at Mons in 1914 . Complete with explanatory glossary and background . Britain had not fought a major war for 99 years when its army went into action in Belgium in 1914 . Nobody was certain how well the British army would fare in the face of the professional German Army that had fought recent several wars , nor how the British would compare with their French Allies . At the little town of Mons the answer would come in bloody , violent and emphatic fashion . Here contemporary accounts of the British deployment and of the fighting is given in its full original condition , along with an introductory note and an explanatory glossary by historian Leonard James . This ebook is a must for anyone seeking to understand more about the First World War . ContentsIntroductory note by Leonard JamesChapter 1 Moltke 's StrategyChapter 2 The British Arrive at MonsChapter 3 The German Tidal WaveGlossaryAbout the AuthorLeonard James has written dozens of books , mostly on history or military subjects for a wide audience . He is uniquely placed to analyse and comment upon the accounts used in the " Eyewitness World War 1 " series . |
My blog has never been so much about my son as it is about me and infertility , then pregnancy and then motherhood and all the emotions that go with it . But , this post is a little different as it is about a little boy who turned 9 months old this week and turned into a , well . . . here is what happened : By about 8 months old , little N was a crawling machine and we knew that it was time to get the house baby proof . We did a few little projects which we thought was enough to protect the man and keep cleaning protects and electronics out of his reach . We thought that was enough and life went along fairly normal . Turns out this Thanks . giving we woke up to a mouse in the house ! As C tried to catch it and restore our home to a mouse free environment , I worked to keep N away from traps and the general den area until we could get things cleaned up . In an effort to keep him safe we let him play in another room , one where I had done a project with a staple gun months ago . Since we are often in there , and I had run a vacuum at least a dozen times since my project , I never thought there might be hazards in the form of a few stray staples . Of course , in the span of 5 minutes of crawling around supervised , N looks up at us with a little shiny thing hanging out of the corner of his mouth . Immediately , we jump up and find that it is indeed a staple and then see a few more on the carpet . The immediate thought is How Many Did He Eat ? ? When you think about it , it seemed unlikely that he would have swallowed a staple and not coughed or cried or otherwise let us know , but since 9 month olds are not great at communicating , the general consensus was to take him to the emergency room . After my baby 's first x - ray and the swallow test , he got the all clear and we came back home . We were slightly shaken but grateful all was just fine . And after vowing to keep the house even cleaner , life went back to normal . Normal lasted one day . We have family in town and had everybody over for lunch yesterday . While my SIL and I sat on the floor and talked , Amy So , I 'm feeling like my last couple of posts have been kind of sad . A little edgy too . And in all honesty , it is not a great representation of how I am feeling the majority of the time . I wake up with a full heart , happy to change the diaper of the smiliest baby I could ever be so lucky to have . I cuddle his warm body , vowing to always remember how his soft , cubby thighs feel when I am holding him and how he never hesitates to try to dive headfirst off my lap when he finishes his bottle . I 'm so grateful for how sweet natured he is . When he was born , the nurses called him a cuddle bug . My MIL said she just got the feeling he was going to take everything in stride . How , without fail , someone will tell me how he made their day or go out of their way to want to interact with my happy boy . I don 't mean to sound braggy . I 'm in Love . I 'm still human too though and I much prefer my son 's 8am wake up cry to his 6am ( or even 4am . . . ) wake up calls . I 'm smiling at him through squinty eyes every morning until I can get one or two cups of coffee pumping through my veins . I get concerned with my own energy level and how if I 'm tired now and he isn 't even walking yet , how on earth am I going to keep up with a toddler ? I 'm concerned about all the Hersh . ey 's nuggets I have eaten in the last few days and stressed that I can 't seem to find the motivation to keep my good eating plan on track . I am very aware that my sensitivity meter is way up . I firmly believe I have less room in my brain for some of the things I used to worry about , but I also feel like I 'm extra sensitive to dramatic stories about strangers or even fictional characters . Sometimes shows feel too real , laugh tracks feel too loud , and stories about real people are too stressful to hear . My mom was telling me a story about something she saw on tv ( like that show , " I Shouldn 't Be Alive " or something ) and I could almost feel my breath getting short , like I was running out of air and wanted to change the subject as quickly as possible . What is that feeling ? I never acknoAmy The holiday season is always a bundle of mixed emotions for me . When I was a kid , our family didn 't have huge traditions , but the ones we had were special and sweet . As a newlywed , holidays were wonderful opportunities to celebrate three Thanksgivings and Christmases traveling up and down the east coast to be with the ones we love . As an infertile , it was a time to hide out and stay low key . To skip the pitying faces and kids screaming with glee . It was also a time to be in the stirrups . Thanksgiving 2009 , I 'm talking to you . And now , with an 8 ( ! ) month old , holidays feel a little overwhelming . There is some guilt I feel about wanting to start our own traditions here at home . We want our son 's first Christmas to be all about him waking up early and finding his stocking full and cinnamon buns in the oven . Fire burning in the fireplace and feetie pajamas keeping him warm . That picture makes me so happy , since it is a picture I have been dreaming of for years . The guilt comes in with relatives who aren 't able ( willing ? ) to come our way to celebrate with us . Should we head up their way ? Should we sacrifice our vision and dream so everyone can be together ? As anonymous as my blog is , I still feel like I am being very vague and so this is not necessarily me asking for advice as much as it is me venting . I would love to wake up with C and N and run down the stairs to see a beautiful tree and Christmas the way I always wanted it to be . I want to have a beautiful dinner with an open door to whatever family is nearby . I want those things , but I grew up in a house where really only immediate family were welcome . I want to be more open than the way my own mom was , but the bigger the group the more stressed I get . I say that I want a big house full of people , but by the middle of it , I am tired and overwhelmed and stressed and guilty . Maybe those relatives can sense it , maybe that is why they don 't want to come this year . Maybe it is my fault . When everybody else is annoying , the annoying one is You , right ? I know it is not rPosted by Or , when your insides don 't match your outsides . Or something like that . C , Baby N and I went to an acquaintances son 's ( 4 years old ) birthday party tonight . Since I haven 't been to very many of those , I think it was pretty typical . Fun enough , but mostly watching the kids playing and attempting to make conversation with people we just met . It was a nice night , but on our way home , as baby N slept in the car seat and C and I recapped the party we realized we had very similar experiences . We knew the hosts of the party through C 's job , but pretty much everyone else was a stranger , friendly enough , but still strangers . We had each attempted conversations and jokes , some worked and some fell flat , but no matter the outcome we both found ourselves struggling with what does or should ( ? ) come naturally to most people . Just the art of small talk . Maybe we need to take a class ? Or maybe we just need to get out and be more social ? We laughed when we realized maybe we spend too much time with family in that we were disappointed when people gave Baby N a quick smile and wave instead of the endless hugs and kisses and glowing compliments that he gets from our extended families . There was a sense of " why aren 't you gushing about how awesome my baby is ? ? " . That seems kind of silly to type out right now , but it is what it is . We got so used to our families gushing with little to no effort on our part that to us , this felt like a little letdown . Don 't get me wrong , everyone was nice . It is just that so many times in public my insides feel 12 years old , even though my outward gray rooted appearance says 35 and this party was no different . I sometimes carry baby N on my hip and when I see someone else doing that , I wonder if I look as grown up as they do . I wonder if I will ever feel as grown up as I look . Do those two things ever catch up with each other ? Posted by Moving + not having a job = not too many friends for me . I have been feeling like I need something more for myself for a while now . My sweet N is the greatest , but C has been working crazy hours and I feel a little nuts after spending long periods of time talking to myself or talking to a little boy who can 't talk back . My parents are the next closest and while they are great people who only want the best for me , it gets exhausting because I feel a little like I have three kids to take care of when they are over ( they are both in their late 60 's and have some minor medical issues ) . I was in the baby section of Tar . get and quickly bonded with someone over our glee that formula was on sale this week . She mentioned that she has an 8 month old boy ( only 2 months older than mine ) and that we live in the same town ( so our boys would likely be in the same class when they start school ) . She was sweet and open and the whole time we talked I felt like my desperation to have a friend was so obvious . I suggested we get coffee sometime and we exchanged email addresses . I don 't know what will come of our meeting . Sometimes your life crosses paths with someone and it is not meant to be anything more than a fleeting moment . Or , we could have a nice friendship . I hope it is the latter . I need a friend . Posted by When I wrote that last post , I had no idea I would have an opportunity just a few days later to put it into action . Without going into a whole bunch of detail , family ( inlaws ) have been in town for a few days . C has a new work schedule and wasn 't available at the moment my protective mom arms reached out and took care of a situation . For something as simple as my feeling like the television was way too loud for the little baby ears working some time in the bouncy seat and I requested a reasonable volume , it escalated into frustration and anger from all sides . I felt alone in my battle and trapped in my house . I don 't think I have ever felt so angry in my 35 years on this planet . I come from a family of throwers , never throwing things at people , but there are a few of us who have been known to throw a book or a box or a plate ( or a vacuum , Grandma ! ) in anger and frustration . I threw my cell phone ( and broke the case ) . Baby N was well out of way of any yelling or throwing , in fact , happily bouncing away in another room oblivious to anything other than a happy hippo hanging off what we call the " bouncy house " . I was furious and furiously trying to find a place to put my feelings . I started making food for DH 's overnight work shift and got halfway through before I started pacing again . If it was possible for smoke to come out of the top of my head , it would have poured out and set the fire alarm off . I paced for 20 minutes white knuckling what was left of my cell phone case . When half of my problem went up to bed , I approached the other half in the hopes for a reasonable discussion . My sweet boy still needed one more bottle before bed , but he was still happy in the seat , so I took the opportunity to try to clear the air . I 'm one who has trouble sleeping until a problem is resolved . I feel like I am being a little lame withholding details , so hopefully this is not too confusing to follow , I just wanted to get it off my chest . Fortunately ( or unfortunately depending on the kind of person you are ) , one of my inlaws is aAmy diapers in the back seat of my car in the 98 degree heat of summer is brutal . But , then my little guy smiles at me as he sticks his little heel in the poopy diaper that I haven 't moved out of the way fast enough and I laugh and I remember worrying that I would never experience this . To be honest , I never really pictured myself changing a diaper in the back seat of my car , or on a folding chair in the bathroom of my car dealer or on a big flat rock at the river 's edge . But I have and I do and I laugh . IVF gave me a little edge . It took away some of my modesty and shyness . But , it gave me the strength to be a mom now . The kind of mom who does what she has to do . IVF makes you do what you have to do , stick a needle in your own thigh in the bathroom at work , put your legs up in stirrups for a room full of doctors and nurses and take hormones that bring you to the brink of edginess and tears and then push you right over . And now , the things I have to do are not as physically painful , but they require new effort on my part . If I have questions about my sweet boy , I have to be proactive ( even more than I am for myself ) to get my questions answered and " take care of business " as my Dad would say . I am extra aware of my surroundings and if someone is yelling or smoking ( for example ) , I need to be strong enough to get my baby out of there and either say something or just get up and move . It is not that I wouldn 't have done those things to protect myself , it is just different with my baby because it feels more urgent and I feel more protective ( of course , the new goal is not to become over - protective . . . . but that is another story ) . Blogging has been taking a back seat lately , but life has been equally joyful and exhausting . I have been finding tiny moments to pluck my eyebrows and catch up on emails and even think about something other than changing diapers and washing bottles . Working on my hobbies still doesn 't last more than 20 minutes at a time , but I 'll take what I can get . Posted by Talking to myself has long been a habit of mine . Especially while driving in my car . Years ago , I had a long commute and used the time to work things out while talking out loud . It was my own brand of therapy . Now that 3 and 1 / 2 months have gone by since my sweet boy was born , I continue to get flashes of myself and my own needs coming into focus . Like back in April ( my last post ) , I all of a sudden felt frumpy and gross . I needed an overhaul and took care of it . I got my teeth cleaned , my hair cut and colored and started going back to the gym , I even found a pretty top that made me look good while still hiding the belly jiggle . It was nice to wear something new that wasn 't a stretched out maternity top . Then , at the end of May I realized it was time to get my weight back down for good , and I wanted not only to be my pre - pregnancy weight , but I really wanted to be my pre - IVF weight . Which meant I had about 50 pounds to lose . 22 to get back down to pre - pregnancy , plus 30 to get down to my favorite weight ( the one where I felt great and got lots of compliments ) . It is funny to be pregnant and everybody tells you how great you look as you continue to expand . . . now that I 'm not pregnant anymore , those compliments have stopped for obvious reasons . So , I started ( not a diet ) but a way of life change in my eating habits . Sugar is OUT . No more sugar in my coffee ( I 'm getting used to it ) , no more maple syrup in my oatmeal ( dried apples cut up instead for a touch of sweetness ) and no more ice cream on the regular . Dark chocolate ( 70 % ) is a decent substitute when I need something sweet . No more white bread , rice and pasta ( substituting rye bread , quinoa and lots of fruit , veggies and nuts ) . So far I am down 7 pounds ! I know that the weight loss will slow down , but I already feel so much better and while I can 't get to the gym as much as I would like ( and taking my boy for walks in 100 degree heat is not my idea of a good time ) , I do feel really good about eating so much better . Lifting a 14 pound baby and going up and down tAmy Oh yeah . I forgot to do that . It was so easy to forget . To rather spend the time taking care of my baby . To sleep . To make dinner . To just get through the day . Then I caught a look at myself in the mirror . Black maternity shirt all stretched out and hanging off me . Dull skin and tea stained teeth . The eyebrows of my youth ( before Mom taught me about plucking ) slowing earning back their caterpillar status . Ratty , frizzy hair streaked with more grays than ever before . I realized all I needed was a black , pointy hat and my Hallo . ween wi . tch costume would be complete . After two months of taking care of my sweet , smiley boy I caught a glimmer of the woman I left behind and I missed her . It is time to take some time for me . Posted by File this under things nobody tells you . . . Amazingly , Wednesday marked the one month birthday of our amazing little boy ! One month already . And here I thought my pregnancy went fast . Sometimes I get choked up with how much I love our son . I get a lump in my throat staring at him in his bassinet and my stomach gets butterflies when I think about how grateful I am that he is here . I reflect on our infertility and realize that if we had gotten pregnant 6 years ago or 1 year ago or one cycle ago or one second sooner it wouldn 't be him . Him . The little boy who sleeps with his arms above his head like he just got caught with his hands in the cookie jar . The little boy who wakes up with the sweetest little cat stretches and gigantic noises that seem to come from deep in his throat . The little boy who smiled at me a few days ago . A huge smile , all gums , that lasted a split second and now I will do anything to get him to do it again . I now can 't imagine life without him , his goofy noises or his uncanny ability to need another diaper change 3 minutes after I just changed it . People told me how much I would love him ( true ) , how I would fall in love with my husband all over again watching him with the baby ( totally true ) and how I wouldn 't be able to picture time without him ( completely true ) . What they didn 't tell me about were all the pads . Seriously , between the overnight maxi pads I 've been wearing for 4 weeks and the breast pads ( just finished my first box of disposables ) , I feel like I am constantly leaking from somewhere . Wouldn 't trade it for the world . One week to the day of the great pee in my pants story , I again found myself with liquid running down my legs . . . Tuesday February 22nd was my 35th birthday . On Monday night , we went out with my parents for a nice birthday dinner and my mom remarked how uncomfortable I seemed . To me , that felt like an understatement . At that point I was exactly 37 weeks pregnant ( full term ! ) and getting more uncomfortable by the day . I had extreme hip pain , especially on my right side which made putting on pants uncomfortable at best and excruciating at worst . Restless legs were my enemy every night and heartburn was my arch nemesis all day long . But , dinner was fun and we took some pictures of me and my belly never realizing that I was soon to meet the little boy that had been making me so uncomfortable . On Tuesday , we didn 't have a whole lot planned for my birthday . In fact , that was the only day the pediatrician could meet with us for an interview , so we had that and dinner planned . The interview went fine , the pediatrician 's office was very clean and bright and the doctor seemed gentle and straightforward . After that , I picked my favorite steak place for dinner and we set off . Halfway through dinner I really didn 't feel good . I lost my appetite and ended up spending more than a few minutes in the restaurant bathroom with a stomachache . I had a lingering backache all day too , but chalked it up to another symptom of my ever growing belly . We packed up my leftovers and headed home , never knowing that that would be the last time we would go to that restaurant as a party of 2 . When we got home , I saw that I had missed a birthday call from a close friend and so I called her back and we chatted for almost an hour . She has an 18 month old baby and was giving me tips and advice with what to do with my last three weeks before I was due . Little did any of us know what was coming next . . . The Saturday before my birthday was part 1 of the childbirth class that C and I signed up for . In it , I got a few helpful tips ( one of which being don 't Amy These are the exact words I said to my husband last night . In all my 36 week pregnant glory while trying to shove something into a box it didn 't fit into , I knew I had to pee . I knew I shouldn 't try and hold it , but it was such a weird moment . I stood there knowing full well I had to pee , fighting a box that was too small and the tears started to well up in my eyes . C jumped up to rid me of the box stress and gave me a hug . It was a nice , warm hubby hug and I must have relaxed enough , or maybe it was a swift kick from the inside or a combination of the two , but it sent the pee running right down my legs . Not just a trickle . . . straight up pee . And then I started to laugh at the sheer absurdity of what was happening and couldn 't say the words , " Let me go , I 'm peeing in my pants . " And finally , when my pants were fully soaked and I got my voice back , while I stripped for the laundry and the shower , a thought crossed my mind . . . Did my water just break ? ? I haven 't peed my pants in 30 years and I have no idea what water breaking feels like . Logic said it was too early for it to be my water , I haven 't had any contractions either and I knew I was going to see my OB this morning , so I just asked her about it at my appointment . I do have to say it is so nice to pee your pants and have such an understanding husband and doctor . Nobody laughed at me ( I mean we all did have a good laugh about it after ) , but the fact that this is such a normal thing during pregnancy is so comforting in its absurdity . My OB did a check and it was just me peeing my pants last night . I am dilated to 2 cm , 70 % effaced and - 3 station . I am 36 weeks , 3 days and measuring 37 weeks . My blood pressure is normal , I 'm even down 4 lbs from last week ( for some reason I was seriously bloated last visit ) . We still have a ways to go , but this is certainly the closest we have ever been . As I put sheets on the crib and laid down a waterproof mattress pad I thought , " maybe it is time to start thinking about a waterproof mattress pad for me too ? ? ? ? " I 've been doing a lot of research lately about pregnancy fears . Most of the information I have found is all about fears of delivering a baby . Don 't get me wrong , I have plenty running through my head about what could happen in the delivery room . I can picture myself going into labor and getting to the hospital and then I can picture myself with a beautiful baby laying on my chest after delivery . It is just the actual delivery that I can 't seem to picture . But , that isn 't even what I am worried about . I 'm not afraid of labor ( at least not today ) . The part I am nervous about is how life will change after labor . After those first few crazy weeks of adjusting to life with a newborn . After C goes back to work and I settle into a daily routine . It is the being a good mom part that has me worried . * * * * * * * * * * When I was younger , I lived and breathed Nancy Dr . ew books . My grandmother and Dad scoured church fairs and thrift shops for the yellow spine hardcovers that were released in the 1960 's . I spent hours devouring those books . Absorbing every word . As I grew older and found other books to read and other things to occupy my time , I can 't remember the actual day I put the Nancy Dr . ew books away . I don 't remember the last one I read , although read them all many times , I don 't remember the last one I finished before I put it on the shelf for the last time . * * * * * * * * * * I have had a few moments of stress and physical pain in my life . As a young girl , I used to walk pigeon toed and tripped over my own feet all the time . There are several photos of me with big scrapes on my face from falling down on gravel . As a teenager , I took Kara . te and had my share of bumps and bruises and sore muscles . When I was 15 , I cut my thumbprint half off trying to cut a stale bagel . When I was 16 , I sprained my wrist while roller skating . And as a 25 year old , I forgot I wasn 't Hu . ck Finn and attempted to swing from rope tied to a tree to jump into a lake . I fell and ended up with a concussion and a bruised tailbone . I had the typical stresses of hPosted by Oh , wait . What ? What was I going to write about ? First , pregnancy brain ? Totally real . Back pain ? Definitely . The fact that my den is a half a flight of stairs down from my kitchen and I am more comfortable sitting on the steps to eat and watch tv than go all the way down and sit on the couch . All the way . All 6 steps ! I 'm exhausted , jiggly , crampy and achy . I want my body back . I told C that I wake up with the intention of not complaining , there are just so many feelings I am having both physically and mentally I can 't help but start to moan about one thing or another . During IVF I knew I would be so grateful to be pregnant . And I totally was . As I crossed over several pregnancy milestones I knew I would become more comfortable with being successfully pregnant . And I was . As I rode smoothly into the second trimester ( truly the honeymoon phase ) I told everyone within earshot that I loved being pregnant . And I truly do . There are just some things going on now that I didn 't anticipate . I didn 't realize there would be a moment where I really wanted my body back ( C likes to say that our baby boy is renting my body right now ) , feeling frustrated with back pain and instant reflux when I bend down to pick something up . I didn 't realize the struggle I would have with s . ex . That I would want to and then get so wrapped up in my head and my jiggly body that I can 't get very far . C is sweet and understanding , but I 'm feeling pretty confused . I didn 't know that I would feel so protective of my newly growing family that I would get stressed about the plan for visitors after our baby boy arrives . C and I are on the same page about how to deal with visitors , I just get wrapped up in my own head and start having imaginary arguments in my head ( tell me I am not the only one who does this . . . ) . On the other side of 5 weeks , my baby boy is thriving and rolling and pushing and loved the milkshake I had with lunch today . Soon , I am going to meet the little man who has kept me company all day every day for the past 35 weeks . C and I havAmy The secret to the perfect BLT taco is the cilantro . One of my and C 's favorite places to go back home is a tiny , hole in the wall mexic . an restaurant . There about 12 stools spread around 3 counters and if you can 't get a seat you will either be eating while walking down a picturesque street filled with small shops and people walking their dogs or driving home to eat in the comfort of your living room . We have been the couple eating while walking down the street . We have also been the ones who ran in to get the food while the car is double parked out front . But , our favorite spot are the two stools right in front of the huge window , where we could people watch and pour fresh salsa on top of our tacos and take huge bites and smile at each other relishing in the deliciousness . This description makes these tacos seem pretty amazing and maybe it is just because the place has such a special place in our hearts , but I think it has a lot to do with the cilantro . Back in my first trimester , I had a craving for these tacos and since we weren 't making the drive to NY anytime soon , I walked into the grocery store and starting thinking and making a mental list of everything in those delicious bites . . . Tortillas Bacon Monterey Jack cheese Tomatoes Red cabbage Onion Cilantro Mayo Then I got home and got to work , chopping up the tomato , red cabbage , sweet onion , cilantro and a touch of olive oil and salt and pepper to marinate in a big bowl together . Then I fried up the bacon and crumbled it up into pieces . When we were ready to eat , I warmed up the tortillas and spread mayo down the center , dropping the crumbled bacon on top of that and then layering the vegetables and cheese on top of that . When I rolled up the tortillas they were so thick I needed toothpicks to keep them closed , but it wasn 't really necessary since we were both hungry and these reminded us of home . So that 's it . . . if you make them , let me know how you like them . If it wasn 't 1am and I had the ingredients in the house , I would be making a few right now . I guessAmy As time moves faster and the little elephant on my page gets ever closer to the 40 week mark and my to - do list grows ever longer , I find myself reflective . I am also finding opportunities to talk to C about what we both are thinking about and hoping for ourselves as parents . During our years of IUIs and IVFs we often found ourselves noticing families and children who may be misbehaving and asking ourselves what we would do and even judging other parents , knowing we would do it better . But , as my due date gets closer , all that knowing becomes very real . What do we know really ? Nothing . I have a very close friend who has an 18 month old and both of them came to stay with us for the weekend . It was a great time and we had a lot of fun , but there were moments where the baby absolutely wore me out . I imagine part of it is because I am 34 weeks pregnant and exhausted enough just by getting through the day , never mind spending it chasing a baby , walking around parks and getting up early and staying up late . By the end of the weekend , I found myself very grateful they were leaving and that made me feel bad . Here was one of my closest friends with her son and all I could think of was that this preview of things to come was more stressful and anxiety inducing than fun . We live far away from each other and the past few nights I have gotten a few emails from her about her son 's struggles with sleep and her and her hubby 's difficulty with agreeing how to handle it . I don 't really have good advice for her and I 'm finding that I don 't want to hear about it . It scares me . I spoke to C about it tonight . I told him that her stories were troublesome to me for a few reasons , and that I hope and pray that our sweet boy is a good sleeper , that the two of us are together on how we handle it ( and don 't turn on each other ) and that I am strong enough to let the baby cry if that is what he needs to learn how to sleep . It is exhausting to try and figure out right now what we will do if we have a similar problem a year and a half from now . Amy I was cleaning out my cabinet and found a box of 6 brand new ovula . tion test sticks ( they expire May 2011 ) that go with the CBE digital ovula . tion test . I just have the test sticks ( not the digital test holder ) , but would be happy to mail them out to the first person who lets me know . Just drop a comment and I 'll message you for your address . I 'll cover the shipping cost , I just want to give them to someone who can use them . I 've written posts about how my brain felt like it was all over the place . Like I had so many things I wanted to do before I was due . And now , that due date is the closest it has ever been . Amazingly enough , a day that I never thought I would get to have came this past weekend . My baby shower . My own . Mine . It was so surreal . As I walked in the door , the host of the party , a fairly new friend of mine asked me if I was going to cry . I wasn 't . And I 'm a crier . I was just too happy to cry and made my way around her house to appreciate every detail of the party . I didn 't want to forget a thing . From the small table by the door overflowing with favors to the fabric alphabet blocks hanging from the ceiling . Then from the big bowl of fruit punch on the counter to the cake made to look EXACTLY like the baby quilt I picked out . And then there was the clothesline filled with baby clothes and socks and hats and blankets hanging across the dining room . I didn 't want to forget a single detail . I 'm not usually one to post a lot of pictures . . . but this cake was outrageous ! It was a very small group . I recently moved and most of of my family and friends are 7 + hours away , never mind trying to travel during this endless winter that some are experiencing . But that small group was perfect . Me , feeling especially round and bloaty , surrounded by the people who are closest to me . This day clicked into place like so many moments of this pregnancy so far . The first time I POAS and it was positive , the first time I walked into my OB 's office , the first time a food ( steak ) made me dry heave , our first class at the hospital , the first time I walked into a maternity store to shop for myself , the day my belly popped and I looked officially pregnant , the first time a stranger noticed and commented on my pregnancy , the first time I realized an orange makes our little guy dance in my belly and the first ( of many ) times I finished off a bottle of Tu . ms . And now , at exactly 33 weeks pregnant , surrounded by the baby stuff quickly filling up every cAmy March 2010 marked our first IVF cycle . Considering all the time we have been spending in the doctors office I found myself very grateful for wi - fi and passed the time in the stirrups playing with my iP . od touch . One time , on a whim , I googled " stirrups " . I found this site : http : / / www . stirrup - queens . com / and quickly learned how valuable reading others blogs were . I was touched by what I read , the heart and soul that went into writing and the support that came back from the readers . I was inspired to write my own . Thank you so much for reading . A little background . . . I 'm 36 years old and have been dealing with unexplained fertility since I was 29 . In 2009 , DH and I had 3 failed IUIs . In 2010 , I had a laparoscopy , DH had a kidney stone , and we had one failed IVF . Our second IVF in June resulted in a first time ever BFP and as of February 23rd 2011 ( three weeks early ) , we have a beautiful little boy who now holds my heart in his tight little fist . It doesn 't go away . I thought it would . I thought after N was born , and I was lucky enough to be a mom that I was done getting my hope . . . |
I was really , really grateful on Friday . Thankful , relieved , and lots of other happy and positive words . I did really enjoy the # D & DGOP thing , but for the most part I don 't have a lot of room for Schadenfreude , if that even counts , because for once more room is being take up by happiness , gratitude , thankfulness , etc . I don 't have access to healthcare through my employer , so I have a plan I purchased from the marketplace . I know for a fact that I need a scan that will run thousands of dollars , at least once a year , for the forseeable future . Annually , I have a PET or CT scan done to check my body for cancer , in addition to blood work and labs every six months . My deductible is currently $ 500 , and my co - insurance after that is 20 % , so that means that I 'm not going to be completely on the hook for a procedure that is $ 5000 or more . A lot of people don 't really understand healthcare . At least one of my parents voted for Trump , which I do have feelings about as at least one of the things he had said often on the campaign trail was that he would make the repeal of the ACA a priority , so I felt like either this parent did not understand that health care is a priority for me , or thinks my cancer will never come back and nothing else will ever happen to me so it won 't be a problem , or maybe since Oregon is a pretty blue state , I 'll be okay regardless of what the rest of the country does . One of my parents said " Do you really think the state of Oregon is going to just let people die of cancer ? " I mean … I don 't know ? I know that lots of times people don 't go to the doctor to find out what 's wrong with them because it 's too expensive . I was one of those people . Both of my sisters have said things to me along the lines of " Oh , but most insurance just Is Bad and expensive , so I don 't really think it matters . " 4 : The number of denials I got from various insurance companies when I tried to find affordable insurance in my gap months - insurance from my old job ended in August of 2013 , and insurance at my new job wasn 't available until November . I had been treated for anxiety , which was a pre - existing condition , so they weren 't going to take me . I ended up getting useless gap coverage just so that my new insurance couldn 't refuse to cover pre - existing conditions as well . The lumps hadn 't been diagnosed , and they also hadn 't gone away . It was before " Pre - Existing Condition " part of the ACA kicked in . 13 : The number of dollars I was making per hour . Sometimes , you simply can 't afford to have cancer . You can 't afford to go to the doctors , so that they can rule it out . So you just tell yourself you 're fine . That 's free . 3 again : The number of lumps that I had to feel on my neck before I finally decided that I had to find out what it was , even if it meant I had to be in debt for the ret of my life . The third one was on the right side and the other two were on the left . I 'd been able to tell myself that maybe something was just wrong with some muscle or joint when it was on one side , but when it was on both sides I knew there was a problem . The ENT did , too . He knew as soon as he felt them . He told me not to leave without scheduling the biopsy . There was definitely a very cool surprise later on when I looked at the first PET scan of my body and saw the mass that had been growing right next to and above my heart for at least two years , maybe three . 3 , 000 : My deductible , which was part of the reason I waited , part of the reason I put off even going to an ENT ( Ear , Nose , and Throat specialist ) as long as I could . A deductible is that amount that you have to pay before your insurance will begin to contribute . If you have 20 % co - insurance after your deductible of $ 3000 , that means you have to pay $ 3000 before they start to help you . 5000 : My out - of - pocket max . After I hit $ 3000 , my insurance paid 80 % , and I was responsible for 20 % , until I hit $ 5000 , after which point , mercifully , I would have no more costs that year aside from copays . The timing of my diagnosis and treatment actually was pretty lucky , as my plan year had just started and I was able to get treated and cured within that year . You are absolutely going to hit your out - of - pocket max if you have cancer , no matter what it is . 100 , 000 : How much it would have cost me without insurance . That 's more than my grad school tuition . And even though I wish I had better insurance , of course $ 5 , 000 is a lot better than $ 100 , 000 . It was slightly more than $ 100 , 000 , but I like tidy numbers , and inside that particular tidy number were three surgeries , two ultrasounds , an EKG , lots and lots of lab work , at least four PET scans , 8 rounds of chemo , and various other things I can 't remember or have blocked out . My favorite test was the one that checked to make sure my lungs were in good shape before chemo ( bleomycin fucks them up ) because when I looked over the bill I got from my insurance , it was listed as " Explanation of Wheezing , " If I have a point , it 's that cancer is expensive , and it 's hard , and it 's especially hard if you don 't make very much and you don 't have very good insurance , and a lot of people in America don 't make very much and they don 't have very good insurance , and a lot of them don 't get diagnosed with cancer until it 's too late . I became friends with one , via a mutual friend . ( My poor best friend . Two friends with the same kind of cancer at the same time . ) He was stage 4 before he even saw a doctor , because he didn 't have health care . He didn 't make it . He very likely could have if he 'd been treated sooner , because Hodgkins ' has a 95 % cure rate if you catch it in stage 1 or 2 . His wife is now one of the youngest widows I 've ever known . It shouldn 't be that way . He should be here . He should have been able to treat it . I didn 't write the number of times I 've been terrified that it would come back or that I 'd have a worse kind than Hodgkin 's as a result of the chemo and radiation , because that has happened far , far more times than I could begin to imagine . Like daily . Sometimes several times a day . Currently , because it 's been a couple of years and because my next scan is still several months away , when the thought rears up I push it back down with a " Not right now . You can worry about that later . " I might as well kick that can down the road as much as I can . I have been doing better with each day and month and year that passes , gotten more efficient at telling those thoughts " Nope . Not today . " I try to Arya Stark the shit out of them . My biggest fear , since the election , has been that the ACA would be repealed and replaced with nothing , that I 'd have cancer a second time , that no insurance company would touch me , and that I 'd have to ask other people for money or take on massive amounts of debt or … just not , I guess . And my parents would probably say " That 's ridiculous . We would never let that happen to you . No matter what . " I believe their intentions . But they aren 't made of money . It was $ 100 , 000 for an easily treatable type of cancer that went away quickly . I can 't even say what that might look like if it happened a second time . I 'm privileged to have that be my biggest fear . I 'm white , straight , and cis - gendered . Increasingly afraid that " The Handmaid 's Tale " is about to be real life , but there are many , many things that I do not have to worry about happening to me personally . That 's privilege . I 'm not always very good at wrapping up , or at having a point . I 'm really good at talking and talking and talking and spinning my wheels in the mud . I started this post out very positive and happy . Because even though I know those who oppose ACA will be back , probably empowered by the dark side of The Force , for now I feel much safer . For now , I can begin to imagine a 2018 in which I might have health care that I can afford . Someone I love and who loves me dearly chose to share with me , recently , a fairly horrific dream that involved that person going to heaven and me going to hell . This person meant well . Truly . And that 's the thing . That 's what makes it worse . I did not go skipping away from the church and throw my hat into the air . I didn 't stop because I wanted to devote my life to some bacchanalian orgy . I left because I got hurt , a lot , usually by people who meant extremely well . My faith was the seed that fell on the stony ground . It grew initially , but there was no depth . Or it just wasn 't for me . There are a lot of ways to look at what happened depending on your worldview . I am so weary of people trying , at best , to bring me back around by repeating theological points that I already know - I fully understand the concept of Christ being the son of God who was sent to earth to die for our sins , I can easily recite various verses from the Gospels - and at worst , talking to me about Hell . I know about Hell . I began learning about Hell at a very young age . It was the reason I got " saved " in the first place . It was , if I 'm being honest , the only reason . I am very afraid of fire . That 's it ? That 's your argument ? Fear ? That 's what you want to use ? Why do you need to use fear ? Is that stronger than talking about who Jesus is to you and what you believe he stands for ? It must be . Nobody opens with " The greatest of these is love . " Nobody closes with it . Not to me . Not ever . Not EVER . If you 're reading this and you do use that in your presentation , good . Great . Please keep doing it . Maybe you 're reading this and thinking " I 've never once tried to frighten her about being hell - bound , who is she talking about ? " Other Christians who are not you . So maybe you can talk to them . Maybe you can let them know that they make agnostics like me want to run screaming into the desert to eat locusts and figure it out on our own terms . Robin is this high school girl who is poor . She is a good dancer . Remember that . She has a rich boyfriend . She is super insecure about going to the prom with him because she doesn 't have anything nice to wear . She 's an after - school caretaker for an old woman named Miss Catherine who is scarred because of the time her deformed sister threw acid on her . She tells Robin that she 's welcome to go upstairs and check out all her beautiful vintage dresses and borrow one for the prom . Just not , you know , the ONE dress . You can see where this is going . " The dress was made of deep scallops of creamy lace . It had long sleeves and a high lace collar . Like the flame colored dress , it had a dropped waistline , but the two dresses were worlds apart . While the red one called out blatantly for excitement and dancing the braying of horns , the lace one spoke softly of elegance and muted music and romance . " Robin steals it . " Borrows " it . Whatever . It 's important to note that when she holds it up to admire it in the mirror , she thinks she sees some sort of shadow on her face . But then . BUT THEN . She and her boyfriend are crowned king and queen of the prom and The Dress makes the Prom Throne fall on her legs and then it smashes them and she has to be rushed to the emergency room and she might never dance again ! But : this is also important : The dress has no blood on it whatsoever . Next , we meet Felicia . She 's Robin 's nurse . She 's dating a divinity student named Mark who sounds real fun at parties . In fact , she has to go to an EXTREMELY fun - sounding party that very night where she 'll meet the dean of Mark 's department , and if he doesn 't like her or think she 's good enough , apparently he 'll need to break up with her . This is quite a predicament for Felicia because all her dresses are slutty whore dresses , meaning they have bare backs or spaghetti straps . It 's just like a really hard situation because apparently she 's unable to go shopping for a different dress . Felicia asks Robin if she can borrow the dress , and obviously Robin says no , and also , Felicia is bad at her job because it 's maybe not a good time ? ! You already know she is absolutely going to borrow this dress . She holds it up to see how gloriously puritanical it will look on her and , like Robin , sees a smudge or shadow on her face in the mirror . The Dress is really consistent about telling you that it is going to fuck you up . You guys . The next thing that happens is : the dress starts choking her . It keeps getting tighter and tighter and she feels like she can 't breathe ! So she runs upstairs to steal some clothes to change into , and then steals a bag to take the dress back to Robin at the hospital , not realizing this bag has a string of expensive pearls in it . She runs out of the house and is obviously seen by Mark and various other people at the party . She tries to get on a bus but is apprehended almost immediately and comes up with some story about a sexual deviant apprehending her at the party , forcing her to strip , etc , and I don 't know what I 'd expect her to say but the whole thing is just - " She wondered if he 'd mind if she went to college after their marriage . Very likely he 'd insist on it . Maybe he 'd go back for more graduate work . Maybe they 'd both go to college . " I 'm very pro - college but Nicole is dumb and gross in the way that she thinks about relationships . So then . SO THEN . Nicole has a big fancy Debate Team Smart People Event she needs to look swellegant for , so she steals The Dress and puts it on and looks great in it , because the thing about this Satan dress is that it really conforms to whoever is wearing it , it 's like one of those expensive mattresses or whatever . So Nicole looks mature and not like the twerp she is - I totally picture her looking like Mallory Pike , who even Ann M . Martin does not care for - and her adult teacher starts flirting with her ! Even I think this is getting tedious . The cops show up , following whatever bizarro lead Felicia gave them , and are about to come talk to Nicole . She gets freaked out , runs away , runs straight into a pillar , and essentially smashes her brain and will have amnesia forever . Everybody at that town 's lone hospital is probably like : Robin 's boyfriend apparently also plays the piano . He and Gabby are practicing a very complicated song to welcome Robin home from the hospital . I just don 't feel like that would help me feel better in the situation if I were Robin . But I don 't know their family . Regardless , Gabby is trash because she and Robin 's Boyfriend have been practicing so mush that they now have a job playing the piano together . Robin has the bag with the dress in it , which she wheels on over to Miss Catherine so that she can return it and come clean . Miss Catherine loves this . Because Miss Catherine is not Miss Catherine . Miss Catherine is Rowena . Rowena explains that she thought some guy named Michael was going to ask her to prom back in the day , but he didn 't . He asked her sister instead - Catherine , who had no birthmark , and was beautiful . Rowena started making the dress for herself , and ended up giving it to Catherine to wear to the prom , and when Catherine got home , Rowena threw acid on her face . She made sure to do it while Catherine was still wearing the cloak , though , because Rowena didn 't want the dress to get ruined . This is very dramatic : Gabby is about to go off to the Boyfriend - Stealing Piano Event with Robin 's Boyfriend . Robin arrives at the house just in time to see her leave . WEARING THE DRESS . Robin has a very Jude Law in " Gattaca " moment and forces herself out of the chair and drags herself to the car to prevent Gabby from driving away , because obviously they will get in a car accident and Gabby 's fingers will get smashed forever . Robin passes out from the pain but does manage to prevent The Dress from ruining Gabby 's life as well . The book ends with a young woman who is an aspiring actress with a really great voice discovering the dress in a thrift store . It is too much for her so she steals it . She 's really excited to wear it the next day . The end . I was sixteen . I found the whole thing so embarrassing that I hoped I would just die . And then about seventeen years later I got cancer . GOD WAS LISTENING . The thing is , I did say that I wanted to go to the purity seminar . I remember the day I saw a one - sheet about it in the church bulletin and shot my mouth off to my mother . And then about a month later , there I was , slouching and scowling my way into what counts as a mega - church in Visalia , wishing I hadn 't chosen a semi - goth look for the day because I could tell immediately that I was going to be regarded as a wayward youth . I didn 't think about this before . But I thought about it all during The Purity Seminar . I know exactly why I said I wanted to go to the Purity Seminar . It was the same reason that I borrowed a friend 's copy of " I Kissed Dating Goodbye " later that year . There were no takers and I wanted to feel better about it . I always really liked the idea of being able to talk to Mary . Mary had periods . Mary seemed like she might Get It . Also Catholics were cool with drinking and I heard rumors that they learned science very differently than I did . The grass is always greener . The Purity Seminar was very pink . Lots of pastel decorations . Run by well - meaning people . The only moment that sticks out clearly , all these years later , is the moment during the anonymous Q & A toward the end where one of the questions was " What if you feel like God has a Princess for you to meet instead of a Prince ? " The answer wasn 't so much about the sinfulness of being gay , but how that was probably not the case because if you just look at the human body , God obviously designed us to fit together in that particular heterosexual missionary way . Several people looked my way , even though I hadn 't even asked a question and it was supposed to be anonymous . The Semi - Goth look made a real splash . I don 't look back and hate the people who ran the purity seminary . I grew up in that culture and I understand where they 're coming from even if I no longer agree with it at all , even a little bit . I was pretty mad at them for co - opting Shakespeare 's Ophelia as an example of why you shouldn 't Do It outside of marriage , because the theatre kid was ready to stand up and scream " She went crazy and drowned because Hamlet broke her heart and she had to SHOW HIM , not because he broke her hymen ! " I didn 't stand up and scream that . The Semi - Goth look was saying enough . I remember surveying the girls there and being sad that some of them were so young . They had enough time ahead of them to be told what to do and what not do with their bodies , and it was one of the first nice days we 'd had all winter . They should have been out playing with their friends , not in some room where a lot of grown women were talking about flowers and petals because of course we couldn 't just come right out and say " vagina . " I can 't pick a specific moment in time when I started to become a feminist - maybe when I read " The Awakening " in college , because I 'm all about owning my Basic properties these days - but I think that day at the seminar day might have contributed a lot . I 'd heard a lot of my friends talk about wanting their husbands to have had some experience on their wedding night so that " someone would know what was going on . " And I didn 't think that was exactly fair , for a few reasons - one , I thought the people saying things like that would hate whichever girl or girls their future husbands " practiced " with , even if they didn 't know them . The idea that other women could exist simply for " practice " with our theoretical future husbands was disturbing , all alone . But there was also this idea that I began to have , which was that I didn 't think I would really care if the guy I ended up marrying had sex before he met me . Even then , I was more concerned about , was he the kind of person who would pressure a girl into having sex ? Would he be the kind of person who would make a girl seem like a slut when he talked about it afterward ? And if I didn 't care if the guy I ended up with had had sex before , it didn 't seem like it was fair for him to care about if I had . As long as everybody was safe . As long as everything was consensual . I told my mom I 'd go to the seminar , and I borrowed " I Kissed Dating Goodbye " because at the decrepit age of sixteen , I 'd come to believe that I would never find a guy who - it wasn 't that he couldn 't be into sports , he just couldn 't care that I wasn 't into them . And he didn 't have to be into theatre , he just had to think it was cool for me to be into it . I would want for him to read books . I would want for him to be nice to me . I would want for him to not act like he was in charge just because of being a dude . I knew for a fact I wouldn 't say " obey " in my wedding vows because that just never made sense to me as a thing that adults do for one another . Dogs obey . And then I grew up and moved to New York and became a liberal and lost every single one of my morals that I 'd never held particularly close to begin with . That 's not actually true . But I did start to figure out what I actually valued and what I did not . I was afraid of sex , because of an incident that had happened when I was a child . But I 'd only ever thought that it was wrong outside of marriage in the way that I thought anything I wasn 't allowed to do was wrong - I knew it was supposed to be wrong , but didn 't quite understand the reasoning . It was like not being able to do " Halloween " or watch " The Simpsons . " Because I 'm Christian . My reasoning went no deeper than that . And even I don 't wish to go in - depth into my personal sexual history on a blog , but it didn 't take me very long to learn that " sleeping around " was applied to a whole lot of situations that were nowhere near as exciting as they were made out to be . A friend of mine mentioned that his sister would stay at her boyfriend 's house more often than not . Another friend made a comment about him being fine with his sister " sleeping around . " Earlier this evening I finished listening to the latest episode of the Savage Lovecast , which routinely features many examples of callers who are " sleeping around . " And a lot of that wouldn 't be a great way for me to be , because it wouldn 't make me happy , but it 's not important for other people 's sex and dating lives to make me happy . It 's actually not important at all . I wonder how the Savage Lovecast might have sounded to me when I was sixteen and in the Purity Seminar . Probably quite interesting . I am sure Purity Seminars still happen . I am sure those creepy Purity Balls do . I am sure the focus continues to be on " Don 't do it ! " as opposed to " Basics in how to respect other people . " And I chose to leave the church so it 's not like I have any right to influence how they do things . I wish I could time travel to the day of the Purity Seminar . I would tell myself " Don 't do a goth look today . Don 't wish for cancer . And when you have your realization about what you think would actually make you happy in a guy ? You 're actually right . And you 'll meet him in about twelve years . You won 't get married right away . You might not get married at all . But you 'll be really happy with him . You 'll love him a lot and he 'll love you a lot . You 'll enjoy watching soccer together and you 'll also got to plays together . He 'll be so proud of you when you finish the play it takes you years to write . He 'll be next to you at your first chemo and he 'll be next to you at your six month scan and he 'll be just as overjoyed that it 's clean as you are . He 'll love you and try to make you feel beautiful even when you are bald . " Reading / listening to the Bible is an odd thing for me to be doing , primarily because I 'm not a Christian . I 'm not anything , really , other than a person who wishes The Force was real . But I did grow up going to a very conservative Evangelical church . It 's called Calvary Chapel . People who go there seem to really like claiming that it is non - denominational . Calvary Chapel has a big focus on Hell , and The Rapture , and The End times , and other things that I 'm still terrified of if I 'm being completely honest , even though there is sadly little else about the faith I was raised with that has stayed with me . It 's not rational for me to be afraid of those things after leaving the faith because I decided it didn 't make sense for me . But I 'm also somewhat afraid of zombies , and I hold my breath on bridges and in tunnels so that things won 't collapse . Being afraid of The Eternal Fires of Hell is different than being superstitious , sure . But maybe they 're somehow related . I reached out to a handful of Christians in my life in the days after the election . I wanted to let them know that I saw them responding compassion and grace to all kinds of angry people , and that while I didn 't share their faith anymore , the picture of it that they were presenting to the world was something really beautiful , and something that I respected , and something that I was glad for them to have . These are Christians who - I mean , I don 't know for sure who they voted for . I just know for sure that they don 't discriminate , that they display seemingly endless generosity , patience , and kindness , that they are the kind of people who sacrifice for others often and sometimes in big ways . My heart was very hard in those days after the election , and these the people who made me want to figure out how to stop being so angry . Look at me . " My heart was hard . " Still using Christianese . And then there I was , on Christmas Day , making a pie and deciding to listen to Mark . And I 'm sure that some people would say " Oh , God was leading you . " I 'm not interested in arguing with them . For me it was more that I realized how angry and vindictive I 'd been feeling towards Christians across the board , in particular because I decided that they were a bunch of hypocrites who were misinterpreting and cherry - picking their own holy book . And then inner me was like " Okay , you haven 't read the whole thing , either . Be able to back up what you say if you feel that way about it . " And so I listened to the whole thing from start to finish . It was only about an hour and a half . I was astounded to discover that I wasn 't bored . Making a pie might have been part of it . I 'm ADHD . I hate doing one thing at a time . But I could not have been more surprised that I thought it was interesting , that I thought it had a pretty good structure , and that I thought several of the characters were fairly well defined . Jesus is … kind of funny . At least the way Mark tells it . So I 'm give Luke a try next , because I 'm interested to see if I 'm interested . I was never all that interested before . Just afraid . Which , it turns out , was not a great base for a deep and enduring faith . I 've been called an " angry atheist , " which is untrue , because I 'm not an atheist . I 'm just not that confident . That was another one of the problems I had with the faith I was raised it . When I started learning a bit about what it meant to be Catholic , Mormon , Jewish , Muslim , etc . - as soon as the concept of faith as something you could chose made sense to me , it made sense to me that you could choose wrong . You could absolutely believe something , and just … Be Wrong . |
Posted on April 6 , 2017 by whyteaugust She told me her name was Anna . The big bonfire , on the lawn behind the old house , burned in her eyes . I was dazzled . She had long hennaed curls and a dress sense somewhere between hippie and goth . She didn 't like alcohol , and had only drunk a concoction made from lemonade , lime , soda water and ice - a ' Bugger Me ' , she called it . When some of the party - goers became boorishly drunk , she took my hand and led me away , over the lawn to the hedge , where we sidled through a gap into the trees beyond . We walked through rattling darkness , her hand still in mine , her tall figure moving gracefully ahead of me . Eventually we came to a road on the other side of the spinney , which we followed until we arrived at a brick - built building , a stable block I thought . She squeezed my hand and led me up wooden steps , at the top of which was a wooden plank door that she unlocked with a key she shook from her shoulder bag . As she went through the door , she slapped a dimmer switch on the wall . The light revealed a large , one - roomed , studio flat . Kitchen units lined the far wall . The bare floorboards were painted blue , and dotted with rugs stained with tea and paint . A bed , neatly made , was pushed against one wall . There was a small dining table , empty but for a bowl of fruit in its centre . The washing - up was done and stacked in the drainer . Chaos only began as we moved closer to the centre of the room , past an old and worn bed - settee and a walnut coffee table - stained with tea - cup rings , and oils and turps and white spirits - on which sat paints and brushes . Unemptied ashtrays spilled their grey , white and brown contents onto the table and the arm of a ripped leather armchair . At the centre of the room , beneath a skylight , stood an easel . On the floor around it bloomed the tiny flower heads of dripped paint . Finished and half - finished canvases lined one wall . On the floor , on tables , on chairs , lay pieces and pads of paper of all sizes , some containing dabs of watercolour , some pen and ink , others charcoal . She flopped into the leather armchair and lit a cigarette . She threw the match towards an ashtray and missed . The match joined others on the floor under her chair . She crossed long legs encased in horizontally - striped black and beige tights . She looked around . ' It will do for now , ' she said . ' I would like better light , but I can 't afford a studio that provides it . ' I tried my best to draw her , but her essence kept slipping away . Her tartan miniskirt and a tie - dyed , strappy top that she wore over her unconstrained , small breasts I rendered almost successfully . Her pale oval face and brown eyes had escaped me entirely . I frowned at the paper . ' It looks like a child 's drawing , ' she mused . ' More sophisticated , perhaps , than a child . But still … ' She looked up at me . ' You don 't mind me saying this ? ' ' Everything has thick black lines . You draw like a child , ' she repeated . ' You shouldn 't rely on the lines . Here , I 'll draw you . ' She stubbed out her cigarette , and picked up a stick of charcoal and a pad . I could hear the black stick scratching on the paper . She was quiet for a few moments , occasionally smudging the charcoal with her fingers . Then , she flipped the pad around with a smile . It was me , all right . My wide mouth , narrow eyes , sticky - out ears . Her drawing had light lines that defined the shapes , but the form was provided by her shading , by the way she had represented light and shadow . That night we drank Earl Grey , smoked cigarettes , and talked until the morning . I fell in love with her . I hoped that , one day , she could love me too , even though I knew that , in my Levis , trainers , and Fred Perry , I was far too straight for her . We were now friends , at least , and whenever I saw her I tried to draw her . There was no doubt that , with her help , I was getting better . One day , while she was making a pot of Earl Grey for us , I stole a photo of her from a photo album so that I could practice drawing her at home . I came to love that picture . I studied it day after day as I tried to get the shapes and shades right , cross - hatching here and there , smudging my heavy pencil lines , learning to leave spaces where light should be . In the photograph she sat in the battered leather armchair , nursing a mug that I guessed was full of her favourite Earl Grey . A smile played about her lips , a smile just in the process of forming or dying - I couldn 't work out which - and her brown eyes seemed to throw out a challenge . I struggled with my drawing . I returned to it whenever I could , applying what I learned from her . I filled pads with attempts that weren 't quite right . Sometimes I would fill a page with only the shapes of her eyes or her lips , or the fall of her curls to her shoulders . Page after page contained my attempts at shapes and textures , light and shadow . But I was getting closer to her . With each improvement , I was shaping a whole . My drawing , when complete , would be an emblem of my love . Finally , struggle turned to success . I could see it . The image on the page was her , I was sure of it . I was so happy to have captured her at last . I was eager for her to know that I too was now an artist . I ran up the steps to the studio on a cool , grey October afternoon filled with swirling brown leaves . She was alone , as usual . She put the kettle on the hob , laughing at my enthusiasm . Then she sat me in the leather armchair and kneeled on the floor in front of me . She took the pad , and flipped it open . In my excitement , I had torn - out out my drawing and placed it at the very front of the pad , so that she would see it sooner . She studied the drawing for some time . The kettle whistled but she made no move to get it . Posted on October 29 , 2016 by whyteaugust As the copse finally came into view over the brow of the hill , it looked dark , forbidding . David now felt unable to enter it . His progress slowed . Then he stopped , and sat down on the damp grass with the copse behind him . He no longer wanted to see it . A skylark piped somewhere above him in the fading light of an October afternoon . He lay down on his back and looked up into the pale autumn blue , searching for the source of the song until spots formed before his eyes . But the copse still waited for him , a brooding darkness , and he knew he could put it off no longer . He stood , thrust his hands deep into his slate - blue fleece , and resumed his walk towards the trees . Why , he wondered , did the copse so intrigue , so enthral , yet so appal him ? David had only moved to Dereham recently . It was a small town that flowed around the downs and hangings of Salisbury Plain . Whenever he arrived in a new town - which he perhaps did too often , he had always been restless - he read books on the local folklore . David knew such tales were mixtures of legends and myths , exaggerations and untruths . But he couldn 't help being intrigued by them , couldn 't help wanting to believe them . Halter Copse had once been the site of the Dereham gibbet , and was also home to the kinds of supernatural phenomena that always intrigued him . The copse was said to have an elf - tree , from which the elves spilled at night to dance and gambol and beguile unwary travellers on the old Dereham Road . Not that travellers slowed to pass through the copse , anyway , as they hurried on to avoid a meeting with the Black Dog of Halter Copse , as big as a foal , that was said to trot through the trees with its fangs bared and its eyes burning like hot coals . And then , of course , there was Laughing Jack , the ghost of a shepherd who once lived in a mud house - a hut really , long since fallen down - at the edge of the copse . Jack had cursed the farmer who had thrown him out of the house for drinking and letting the sheep run away , saying he would come back haunt the farmer for ever , although the current farmer was brave enough to leave his sheep in the care of the drunken ghost shepherd . Folk tales being what they were , Laughing Jack shared his time between the copse and Red Post Farm , two miles back down Lavington Road track , for it was there had lived the farmer who had evicted him . David wondered why Laughing Jack would still haunt the farm when that farmer had long since died . Indeed , why would he continue to haunt this copse , when his mud house could no longer be seen ? Yet there must be something to these tales of haunting . After all , the books insisted that no other shepherd had dared live in Jack 's hut , believing his laugh would drive them mad . Once you hear Jack laugh , one book had said , your life will never again be the same . David at last , and not without some trepidation , walked between the grey trunks and into the centre of the copse . He was relieved to find it not as dark as he 'd feared . A murky light filtered through the curling , cracking , yellow and brown leaves . He looked for evidence of the old Dereham gibbet , even though he knew it would have long since rotted away . He found nothing but trees and weeds . Grass , gorse and brambles tangled together , snagged his trousers and snared his feet . He was , he knew , nervous and fanciful by nature , saw things when others didn 't , heard noises others couldn 't . Yet this had never stopped him exploring these places . And this copse wasn 't really so bad now he was here . Why was I so frightened ? David walked out of the copse , and almost tripped over something hidden among the vines and briars . He kicked the tangled weeds apart with the toe of his baseball boot , ready to believe he had found the stump of the gibbet . Instead , he found a platform of red clay raised an inch or two above the ground . Laughing Jack had lived in a mud hut , cob David supposed , and he knew that untended cob not so much fell as melted away , leaving only the line of a wall , and perhaps a floor , raised above the ground , a memory trace that would in time also be erased , leaving nothing except legends and the name of Laughing Jack . Twilight was falling across the fields . David had no desire to be here when darkness fell , but the walk had taken longer than expected . His nerves thrilled . He walked away from the copse and sat atop the grassy bank at the side of the path . Laughing Jack 's crime - if crime it had been - of being drunk in charge of sheep hardly warranted eviction , David thought . He tried to remember the name of the farmer who had thrown Jack out of the house . The name was on the tip of his tongue . David started . A chill ran down his back . He looked towards the copse . A figure slowly materialised from between the trees , taking shape from the shadows as if coalescing from leaves and mist and twilight . How did he know - for it was a man , old , with a white beard , David noticed - what I was thinking ? David wanted to run , but his legs were too weak to do so . " Because , " David said , his voice breaking , " You 're Laughing Jack . And , " he continued with a nervous giggle , " you 're a ghost . " At that , Laughing Jack unleashed a long peal of laughter . The hairs on the back of David 's neck and on his arms stood up . But he couldn 't run , nor could he scream . He felt that , if he tried to scream , the result would be like one of the dreams he sometimes had where dark things happened , but instead of a scream erupting only a thin , frustrated whimper was caught forever in his throat . He remained trapped on his grassy bank , talking to a ghost . " I was a drinker , I cannot deny that . That 's why I laughed so much . I was a dancer too ! I was also known as Dancing Jack . " He shimmied across the grass at the edge of the copse , fluid in the twilight , and laughed . " What do you think of that ? " " Ah , Black Danny . Queer that he should be forgotten , and I should be remembered . " Jack was quiet for a moment , and then laughed again . " Do you wonder why I call him Black Danny , Danny Death ? " " I suppose the tales of my hauntings are much more interesting than stories about Black Danny . But I could tell you tales of Danny , oh yes . He liked to beat everybody . Did you know that ? With a rod , a hammer , a spade … Whatever he could find . And if there was nothing to hand , why , he would use his fists . He beat his workers , his children , his wife . " Jack looked at me . " What do you think about that , lad ? " " Do you think he threw me off the land simply because I was a drunk ? I 'd always been drunk . We were all drunk . You couldn 't drink the water in those days . " " Because I saw him beating his wife and tried to stop him . Because I loved Annie , too . And I did stop him . But then he came to the house … " Jack looked down at his feet " To this mud hovel , with two of his farm - hands , and beat me . Then he threw me off his land . He spread stories about me , about my drinking , that would have stopped me ever working in these parts again . " " No lad , no . " Jack wasn 't laughing anymore , not even smiling . " The world was wider in those days . I could have walked across the border into Somerset , walked down to Wells or Glastonbury , found myself a job there . Danny Black 's words didn 't travel that far . " " I wish . " Jack gave a bitter laugh . " I drank myself to stupidity . Then I began the walk back to Danny 's farm to give him a good thrashing . But as I passed … here … " He looked down again , spread his arms wide . " Yes , here … I found Danny Boy smashing the few possessions I 'd left behind . I came in to stop him , and we started fighting . I may have bested him once , when I was protecting Annie , but now I was drunk , and tired … " The sun had dipped below the Plain , and the sky was silver behind the copse . The light was failing . Laughing Jack was a dark figure , standing at the edge of the copse where the one room of his hut would have been . His voice was sombre now . " Who was the last person to die on the gibbet here ? Do your books tell you that ? " " Hung for a sheep . " Jack laughed , but even in the twilight , David could see that Jack was shaking his head . " Ah , well . I knew Bill . He 'd been hungry the week he stole that sheep , with no work on the land available . ' Jack shook his head . ' However , poor Bill was not the last to be hung here . " He paused . " I was the last hung here . " " Nothing , laddie . Except cross Dark Danny . Danny Boy bested me , of course he did . I was a drunken old fool . And I 'd made Danny angry that day . He decided he wanted rid of me for good . There was rope and twine aplenty in my hut . He hog - tied me and dragged me to the gibbet . Danny was strong … He was very strong . " Jack 's voice was fading . " I should have walked on to Glaston that day , instead of drinking that flagon of ale . " " Danny hauled me up the gibbet , then watched me swing , and swing , watched the life leaving me . He knew my other nickname , and called out to me , ' How do you like dancing now , Jack ? ' Aye , Black Danny was dark all right . " Life then had been hard , David knew that . You could be hung for a sheep , the water was undrinkable , children worked the fields . But , it seemed , Danny Boy Black had been very dark , even in those dark times . " I 'll be leaving you soon , " Jack said . " But one more thing . Danny Boy buried me here , deep in the ground . Can you find my bones and place them in a churchyard for me ? " The next day , David returned to the copse with a spade , cleared away briars and vines , and began to dig into the red clay floor between the old cob walls . He dug down three or four feet , but never found any bones . The following day , he returned and dug outside the fallen walls and again found nothing . David returned many times . He dug the floor again and again , dug all over and around the copse , always battling the vines and briars , the heat and rain , the sticky red clay and the thick tree roots . When he had first started on his mission , friends had sometimes accompanied him . But now , five years later , he had no friends . He came to the copse alone . To those who passed him as they walked the path from Dereham towards the Plain , David was something of an eccentric . To the farmer - who David had once chased with a spade , shouting ' Away with you , Danny Black ' - he was a nuisance to be tolerated . Sometimes , David would want to give up . But then he would see a dark shape dancing through the trees , and hear Jack 's voice saying , " Find my bones , David . Find my bones , " in an exaggeratedly pitiful , cracked old voice . And then Jack would laugh , and laugh , and laugh . Posted on October 18 , 2014 by whyteaugust I surfed the Web , randomly entering into Google the words I found in the notepads that were scattered on the desk . The desk was a mess , I noted . Scraps of paper contained notes and doodles , yellow Post - it notes yelled imperatives and reminders , and the rings from coffee mugs stained A4 sheets and the desktop . The ashtray was full to overflowing . The bottle of scotch was empty . Had it all been downed in one sitting ? I worked around the chaos , carried on entering words . Pages were displayed . I scrolled and followed links . What I was discovering , what I was creating , was like a picture , a map , a simulation , a metaframework , of a mind . I displayed pages about Devon , train timetables to Leeds , a Google map of Bristol . I zoomed in , found Montpelier . A page in one notepad contained only the words Flickr and Wiltshire . I searched Flickr for tags , looked at pages of photographs of beautiful , soft , green , Wiltshire hills . I read essays about reality , quantum physics , red rain , ghosts , and post - structuralism . As I worked , I saved all the pages to a folder on the computer . I printed out pictures and texts that took my fancy , and placed some of them in a physical folder . Other pages I placed on the cream walls of the office using the pins and Blu - Tac I found in the desk drawers . I made connections between the pages using the coloured ribbons I had also found in the desk . I used as clues the scribbles I had found , the Web pages I had read , and my own intuitions . A ribbon linked a Google map of Dereham to a photo of a UFO , then a Google map of Roswell . One blue ribbon stretched from a map of Banbury to a picture of Leeds University . The link was one made from intuition , as Banbury had been a station my train had stopped at on a railway trip I had once made from Reading to Leeds . From that picture , a yellow ribbon stretched across the wall to a photograph of Middlesex University . The ribbon was pinned and then turned 90 degrees , ending at a picture of Meg Ryan . I believe that Middlesex University once had a performance arts course , and Meg is , of course , an actor . It made sense . It made sense . Of course it did . I felt it in my gut . I searched around the desk , the Web , for another link , looked in the notebooks , at the scraps of paper and Post - It notes . Soon , I had found the connection and pinned it to the wall . It was , of course , Jim Morrison . I printed the photo and placed it on the wall , added more ribbon from Meg to Jim . I continued to do this for half a day . I trailed ribbons around the walls of the office , connecting by inference and reference , induction and deduction , intuition and knowledge . I stood back and looked at the walls , at my fully - realised network , my wall Web . At that moment I should have been proud of that Web . I wanted to be . I wanted to admire its utility , its coherence , its completeness . But all I could do was shake my head in dismay . I sat down heavily in the black leather office chair , rested my arms on its leather arms , and continued to look at the wall . It was obvious to me now . I had been such a fool . I should have used the colours of the ribbons to also present information , to indicate particular types of connections and relationships . Although dismayed , I am by nature , dogged , persistent ; some might say obsessive , although I think that is too strong a word . It didn 't take me long to work out a system I could use that would could convey the additional information . The ribbons were only available in a limited range of colours - less ROYGBIV , more RGBY . I made a note of the colours and the information each colour would represent on a scrap of paper , and then set to work again , stringing the ribbons from photo to map to document . I hardly needed to refer to the key I had devised . Unsurprising , I suppose , when you have a mind like mine . I sat down again , leaned back in the leather chair , my hands behind my head , satisfied , proud at last of my labours . I lit a cigarette . It was a shame the whiskey bottle was empty ; my throat was dry . Researching , making connections , following trails through the evidence , was thirsty work . I thought about making myself a mug of tea , but I didn 't really want to leave the room . For a moment , my world , the world I was constructing , the world I would shore against my ruins , was in this room , and only in this room . The picture was not yet complete . That much I knew . I closed my eyes and relaxed . Now , I open my eyes and turn to the computer on the desk . My attention is drawn to the photograph on the wall above the monitor . She is a pretty woman , there 's no doubt . Blonde , slight , laughing , her arms outstretched in front of her , ready to catch something , it seems . A ball , perhaps , or a frisbee ? There is blue sky behind her , and trees , heavy with full , fresh , green leaf , lean into the photograph from the side of the frame . Her summer dress , long , maroon , has been arrested by the act of photography , but I can imagine its movement continuing , twisting the dress around her . I wonder what she would think if she knew that I was still here , in her house ? The house was quiet . I knew she wouldn 't be coming into this room today . I am going to enter into a database all the Web pages I have so far saved to the computer . I shall also scan the documents and photographs and also enter those into the database . I can then cross - reference all these motes of information programmatically . The database will not be as visual as the map on the wall , will not so instantly conjure for me fragments of memory . Yet , in time , the database will offer up more interconnections , intersections and permutations . I will add more documents to the wall , more ribbons that show the all - important connections . My hands are warm inside the latex gloves . I remember this - I had found these gloves , earlier in the day , today I think , in a drawer in the kitchen . I allow myself to turn my head and glance through the open door to the hallway . I will later clear away the bodies that still lie there so obscenely . Death has created a vacuum in my head . I am blanked , black , blocked , all empty , nothing . First , I must reconnect these fragments from my notebooks , my desk , My Favourites , My Documents , rebuild my world , rebuild my self , rebuild my identity , rebuild , rebuild , restructure , reframe , cross - reference - reconstruct me . Posted on September 5 , 2014 by whyteaugust [ Simon and Julie is intended to be a long short story ( perhaps a novella ) , involving various characters from the two as yet unpublished novels The Ethical Hitman and Raven of Dispersion . The story ( and those novels ) are set in and around the long , hot summer of 1976 . The protagonists and antagonists are at that happy stage between A - levels and Uni ( or A - levels and work ) - technically young adults , but these are not YA stories . As I work on this story , I will throw odd fragments here in the blog . ] Simon walked along Goldfinch Drive towards home . The sun was hot , the sky cloudless , a pale hazy blue , pearly towards the sun . The road was inclined slightly , and at the brow there was a shimmer above the asphalt . On both sides of the shimmering road were neat , semi - detached houses with well - tended front gardens . He had left Nick and Mark at The White Lion , sitting in the beer garden . Simon couldn 't afford another drink , and found sitting in the hot sun stifling . He had wanted to move , to stretch his limbs , so decided to walk home , where he would read a book , perhaps , in the shade . At the top of Goldfinch Drive , just before he would turn into Magpie Road where he lived , Simon found Chris and Gray leaning against the front wing of a mustard - yellow , 1968 Triumph Vitesse . The car was Gray 's , and was in the drive of his parent 's large detached house . Chris saluted as Simon approached . Chris nodded along the road . " It 's Julie , " he said . Simon and Gray turned to look . A young woman approached them along the road . Her hair was shoulder - length , blonde , straight , parted in the middle . She wore jeans , jesus boots and a tee - shirt . Julie blew smoke into the blue , tilted her head back , smiled . " Don 't pretend to be interested . I 'll talk to Sarah about it later . " " Thank god for that , " Chris said . " We have important matters to think about . So how much have we got between us ? Si , you said you had about fifty pence . Julie , you want join us ? Put your twenty - eight pence in the pot ? " " Well , yes , we can . Simon , that is brilliant . If you smoked , I 'd give you a fag . Julie , give him a kiss . " Julie dropped her cigarette on the floor and scraped it across the asphalt of the driveway beneath her sandal . She leaned over and kissed Simon on the cheek . She smelled of tobacco , scent , soap and sunshine . Posted on August 19 , 2014 by whyteaugust Simon and Julie is intended to be a long short story ( perhaps a novella ) , involving various characters from the two as yet unpublished novels The Ethical Hitman and Raven of Dispersion . The story ( and those novels ) are set in and around the long , hot summer of 1976 . The protagonists and antagonists are at that happy stage between A - levels and Uni ( or A - levels and work ) - technically young adults , but these are not YA stories . As I work on this story , I will throw odd fragments here in the blog . In this section , Simon and Julie have been out for a walk . As usual , for that summer , the night is warm , the sky is practically cloudless . They are lying on a patch of brown , dried grass at the edge of a housing estate , only dimly lit by streetlights , and looking at the sky . They have been talking about a mutual friend , Sarah . " To be honest , " Simon said , " I 've never really noticed your breasts . I mean I 've looked at them , don 't get me wrong . I don 't think you 're a boy or anything . " " But . . and there is a but … your eyes shine . They coruscate . I like to make you smile , because then the light dances and dazzles in your eyes . " " Really ? " Julie smiled , and light danced and dazzled in her eyes . Simon fell for a moment , a giddying moment in which the Earth lifted and spun and itself danced . And just in that moment there was not enough breath in the whole world . And then Julie punched him lightly on the arm . " You great big enormous flirt , " she said . She brushed some strands of his long fair hair away from his face . " I 've always liked your eyes , too . A deep blue . And flirty , like you . " They were silent for a few moments . Simon rolled over on his back . He tipped his head and saw long stalks of grass . He slowly pulled one from its sheath , and put the moist green end of it in his mouth . " Arrr , " he said . " You know , we also call her the Coventry Climax . " " Yes . Indeed . Anyway , they have fork lift trucks there . That 's their name . The make and model . The Coventry Climax . Pneumatic Sarah , the Coventry Climax . " Simon rolled over onto his side . He wanted to see Julie 's eyes . Julie was already on her side , her head leaning against her hand , looking at him . " Take that piece of grass out of your mouth , Si , " she said . " It is not cool . " Julie smiled again . The world tilted slightly , then Julie looked at her watch and righted it again . " We have to go Si , " she said . " You 're a lazy - arse student , but I have to be in the shop at 8 . 30 . " Simon could barely get the words out . " Yes , of course . " He stood , and then offered his hand to Julie . He pulled her up . She smiled . If only she would stop smiling the world might successfully and uninterruptedly spin and orbit , and he might walk her home securely attached to its surface . |
I was just musing last week in this post about how the cats are fascinated with the bathtub . Well , a few days later , it turned out to be not so funny . After a few days of Maow vomiting , not eating , hiding , and being lethargic , Joe took her to two vets . To cut to the chase , she had surgery this morning . The vet wasn 't sure if she 'd survive because she 's so small . But good news - she lived ! It turns out there was a piece of Theo 's rubber bath toy lodged , obstructing her bowels . Theo has rubber cars and buses that stick to the tub wall , and the cats like to chew them . We always tried to stop them , of course . But for some reason we were stupid and didn 't get rid of the toys . We also didn 't have pet insurance . But the important thing is for my little girl to come home safely . She 'll need to recover at the vet a couple more days . I won 't be fully relieved until she 's bugging me by trying to climb on the table , or purring on my lap . I love you , Maow . Come home safe to your brothers , they miss you . Each visit to Theo 's preschool brings mixed emotions to me , but my most recent was the best visit yet . Previously , I had been there in the mornings during breakfast and the afternoon at lunch , so this time I wanted to observe the time in the middle . I got there at about 11 , and when I walked in , the kids were all seated around the tables , which had been pushed together . They were about to start an art project . When Theo saw me , his face lit up . " Hi , mommy ! " he waved . " Hi , Theo 's mommy , " the class chimed in . I said hello to all the kids and told them how Theo talks about them all the time , and sings about them . Because of this , I know their names well and felt like I knew the kids . I sat next to Theo at the table and listened to his teacher , Grace , give instructions on how to build a gingerbread house . Each kid had a mini empty milk carton on a plate in front of him . She showed how to take icing and spread it on the house , and put on graham crackers to make a roof and walls . Then more icing . She decorated her house with all sorts of candy to make windows and doors . The kids watched her , enthralled . Many shouted out suggestions of what color and candy to use next . Now it was time for the kids to build their houses . Theo enjoyed the project thoroughly , although he was the only kid who didn 't understand that he was making a house . As other children chirped about their windows and how they 're building two doors , or uh oh their roof broke , Theo just liked spreading the icing and putting candy on the house . His was the only house without a roof . But he had a good time , and responded well to the help he got from me and one of the TAs . ( There are three assistants in the class . ) Grace had instructed the class not to eat the candy . I giggled , figuring it 'd be like telling a cat not to play with the ball in front of him . But they really obeyed ! I was very impressed by Theo 's class . Sure , a kid or two snuck a piece . Including mine , who couldn 't hide the evidence - icing on his face . But even the teacherPosted by Grandma Joanne took Theo , Joe , and me to see Disney On Ice . Theo had a great time , but who are we kidding , this was Elyse heaven . Each prince / princess duo did a skating dance to their respective love song , all in a row . I almost cried . It was the most beautiful thing ever . Joe reenacted my face for me later ; I looked like SUCH a dork watching . Lots of people brought their daughters dressed up as princesses . I had multiple heart attacks . The boys were cute in their crowns and shark hats , too . And there was lots of great boy stuff in the show . Theo loved it . He was jumping in his seat , dancing , clapping , cheering . Toy soldiers , Mulan warriors , the Incredibles . . . boy stuff . He especially got a kick out of the tech stuff , however . For a Finding Nemo sequence , bubbles came out of an overhead machine . Theo 's reaction was , " uh oh ! " Toward the end of the second half , Theo fell asleep . But Joe woke him up for the Circle Of Life finale , which included every Disney character you can think of . Theo got to shake Minnie Mouse 's hand , which pleased him almost as much as the popcorn he consumed . He had been looking forward to the popcorn all day . After the show , grandma took us to Outback Steakhouse . For the first time , Theo ordered steak . He didn 't want mac and cheese or a hot dog . " Steak , " he insisted . He ate steak and broccoli . But he washed it down with chocolate milk , so he 's not completely an adult yet . ( And neither is his mommy who stole a sip of his chocolate milk . ) Michelle taught Theo the Spanish word " beso , " which means kiss . ( I don 't think anyone reading this doesn 't know that , but whatever . ) So when I took Theo to visit Nonny and Aunt Donny this weekend , I had him impress them with his Spanish . I told him to give them a beso , and he did . They think he 's a genius . Especially because he also read letters upside down on his shirt . Yesterday Melanie came over for our " Evil Dead " date . We had seen the musical , so we wanted to watch the cult movie . For the occasion I served Zombie Meatloaf , as seen here . Even though the eyeball eggs were perfectly edible , no one wanted to eat them . Luckily , I was able to count on Theo . He had no problem eating eyeballs and shoved them down . Also thought I 'd throw in a picture of my stepson ( giggle ) , who joined us for dinner . Ain 't he handsome ? Photo of Melanie pending . Lisandra was over on Friday night . We baked brownies , which Theo simply called chocolate . " Gimme chocolate peese . " After a bit , I told Theo it was bedtime . This was his response : " No bedtime . Isa ! " ( He calls her Aunt Lisa , but often just says " Isa . " ) He ran over to her , and she rocked him into sleepyland . Thanks , Isa ! It 's so wonderful having Theo so loved by the people dearest to me . Bruce and Maow aren 't normal cats . They are fascinated when someone 's in the bath , and always hang out . They get even closer than this . As you can see , Theo gets a kick out if it , too . Here 's Theo excited about his new robe . When I was buying this robe , it came with booties . The set was 4T , and came with pjs too . The pjs fit , the robe fit , but of course , the booties did not fit . As always , Theo 's feet are much bigger than what designers imagine a boy his age 's to be . It was a case of deja vu that made me smile . Even when he was a baby and got little sets that came with booties , the booties were always too small . Well , Joe had the camera in his hand already , and he couldn 't resist . . . Theo just loves to help sweep . Any time something spills he runs and grabs the broom and the other thing . You know , the thing you sweep stuff into . What 's that called ? For instance , the other day we were taking down the Christmas Tree , and he rushed to sweep up the pine needles . He is hysterical trying to sweep . Joe and Theo have worked out a pretty good system where Theo holds the thingamabob and Joe sweeps into it . I take no part , because I 'm awful at sweeping . Theo has officially surpassed my sweeping abilities . This picture is from a few months ago , when Theo ripped up a paper towel just so he could clean it up . Congrats to Jodi and my mom - in - law for the new house in Ringwood . They 're moving on up to the country . We all took a trip out on Saturday to see the house , and it is truly fantastic . Not only is the house beautiful and enormous , but there are four miles of woods in the backyard , and a stream . It 's a lake community , so there 's a nearby lake for summer fun . Nice for Jod ; she won 't have to maintain a pool anymore . Instead , they 're installing Joanne 's hot tub ! Even better . The boys were in little boy heaven over there . We went post - rain , and so the woods were damp and fresh with dew . I was brought right back to my childhood in Alleypond Park . My woods were two blocks away instead of two feet away , which was fine with me . My mom didn 't have to worry about maintaining the park . . . worked out for everyone ! I 'm glad Theo is as much a nature boy as he is a city boy . I like giving him both worlds . He loves running through the woods and walking on logs . He also loves people - observing on crowded blocks and enjoys the action of our city . Between Central Park outings and visiting our family in Jersey , Theo will grow up in the best of both worlds . Except for the school system , but that 's another story . Our schools will never match suburban schools , but a true New Yorker 's education is unmatched . There 's a to - die - for Argentinian Steakhouse a few blocks from my house called Moment 's . It 's one block past the playground . Yesterday , before we walked there to meet mom , Ell and Glo , I told Joe how we should brace ourselves for the tantrum we 'll get when we walk past the park and Theo realizes he 's not going in . So , we set out for the steakhouse , telling Theo we 're going for rice and beans . If only you could have seen the excitement that ensued for the next four blocks ! Walking past the park proved to be no problem . The hungry monkey was focused only on the rice and beans he was about to chow down on . The meal went off without a Theo - hitch . He was well - behaved , ate a bunch , and drew pictures with Grandma and Aunt Gloria . By the way . . . thanks for the yummy feast , mom ! Theo 's a little Spanish - foodguy . Rice and beans , flan . . . he 's definitely a product of Sunnyside ! It is with great pride that I write these words : Theo has learned to deal with his own boogers . He gets a tissue or napkin ( apkin ) or toilet paper and rolls the corner of it to make it thicker , then puts it in his nostril to collect the booger . He then holds up the tissue triumphantly and tells us , " Look ! Boo - gah ! " Accent on the " boo " ( not buh , like we say ) . I am fascinated that nature teaches little boys to show off their boogers . It is not learned . It is an inherent little boy trait . The booger - showing - off gene associated only with Y chromosomes . I feel the urge to spend a blog entry celebrating the joy my son brings to my life . Theo Jack is an amazing child . There are so many things about him that I say not just as a mother , because everyone says it . Primarily , that he 's the most loving boy . He really is . He is the sweetest , most loving guy . He has a huge smile , hug , and kiss ready for those who want it . He gets excited by anyone who talks to him or pays attention to him . He 's just a giant sponge of affection and reciprocates . As a baby , many people called him the happiest baby they 'd ever seen . He was always smiling . In fact , that 's what landed him his K - mart catalogue gig at 5 months old . The woman auditioning him was overwhelmed by how much he smiled at her as she took his jacket off - - this wan 't even the audition , she was just prepping him ! And Joe and I were always remarking at how many people Theo would choose to randomly smile at on the subway . He would target a person and crack a smile so large that they 'd always inevitably melt and smile back - - even the thugs and bums and cranky old people . Next , he 's stunning to look at . Again , I am not just a mother saying this . I 've heard it too much for it to be untrue . His nose is a work of art . His hair has an amazing silky texture and vibrant blonde color . He has never been chubby . Even as a baby he was long and slender . Now , he is tall , firm , and muscular . He has giant feet for his age - - always did . He has an elegant neck and a full face , with the smooth skin of a cherub . He has baby - red lips . He has long , long eyelashes and a killer tush . He has big eyes that get very focused when he concentrates on a drawing or TV show , or when he gets lost in thought . So often I wonder what he 's thinking about . And his face , my god , his face . Whether it 's his fantastic laugh , his gigantic smile , his hysterical sad face , his heart - shattering pained face , his maddening mad face - - he 's gorgeous . And he wears all outfits well . He looks killer dressed up in a suit , or sporty t - shirt and jeans , or sweatpants , or preppiePosted by Theo has been Jekyll and Hyde lately . One minute he 's the sweetest , most darling little boy . The next , he 's pushing , biting , and throwing . Joe wrote to Grace asking if he is aggressive at school . ( Because his precious angel had to have picked that behavior up at school , of course ! ) Grace wrote back saying that yes , lately he has been aggressive at school , and that he doesn 't seem to understand what he 's doing when he pushes someone . At home , he understands , all right . He 's got the devil face going when he pushes . Usually it 's a pay - attention - to - me - now face . But I can see what Grace means . There are plenty of times when I see him pushing without knowing it 's wrong . At the playground the other day , there was a kid sitting on a bench , and Theo wanted to sit there and so he tried to remove the kid from the bench . He wasn 't being mean , and he saw no reason not to do that . But I don 't really worry about that , he 's still only 3 , and kids do that stuff . He just happens to be enormous , and so it 's easy to forget how young he still is . There 's nothing like global warming to promote mother - son bonding . Theo and I spent a decadent , lazy , balmy Saturday going to parks and snoozing . First , we went to our local park . We came home and fell asleep on my bed ; he was in my arms , with his head on my chest . When I woke up I had a pool of drool on my shirt . Later , we met up with daddy to take an unexpected January stroll through Central Park . Theo finally attempted to climb the spider web at the playground , and he got very good at it . He can be very coordinated , my little spider . That night , we headed to Joisey for Maryann 's Christmas party . Maryann 's husband collects pinball machines , so there were 4 there for all the kids to play with . After inhaling about 12 meatballs ( they were small , but still ) Theo pulled a chair up to the pinball machine , and that 's where he stayed until we left . He was at the machine a good 4 hours . Only he wasn 't actually playing pinball . His only interest was in pulling the lever to get the ball out , and then watching the ball do its thing and inevitably fall through the hole . He had no desire to use the flippers . Every time the ball went into the " gutter " he peered over the machine and into the hole to try to see where the ball went . The party guests were getting a big kick out of it . When other people , like Uncle Jimmy , wanted to play pinball they just stood behind Theo and let him pull the lever . It was a team effort . One woman had Theo practicing all his colors with the machine . He was so sweet and charmed everyone , as usual . Justin , a friend of Jodi 's boys , told Joe he couldn 't play matchbox cars with them because he was wearing a " man suit . " We laughed about that all night . I 'm still laughing about it . I can 't wait for Theo to say things like that . Theo opened up 4 cans of new , unused play dough yesterday ( thanks , Grandma , for the xmas present ) . Theo has a star cutter that cuts stars - duh - into the dough from the set we already have , where the colors are all mangled up by now . He took the clay and played while , ironically , Clay was visiting . Theo made red stars , blue stars , white stars , and yellow stars . He was so funny , he always gave me the leftover clay and had me roll that for him . Anyway , after playing a while I joined Joe , Clay , and his sister , Rachel , for a game of Scattegories . After a round or two I looked over at Theo and I couldn 't believe what I saw ! There on the ground were a bunch of fantastic , beautiful stars just bursting with intricate color patterns and lovely designs . We all agreed that when we mixed clay colors as kids , it always just turned brown . So how was it that Theo pulled off this magnificent display ? I so wish I had a picture to post . Joe and I stole two stars to dry and keep before Theo squished them all back into balls , so I will photograph them when I get my camera back from repairs . But you won 't really get what I mean until you see what it looks like . Even Clay and Rachel , the artists , were amazed at how cool Theo 's stars were . Kids typically learn " no " before " yes . " Big surprise . I made it my New Years Resolution to get the bug saying " yes . " He has certainly got the word " no " down to a science . So far , only 5 days into the year , things are going well . He has said it a few times now , as well as " yeah . " I think it was just a matter of working very hard to cram it into his head . I 've been saying yes to everything and reinforcing everything with yes . I should have done it a long time ago . I emphasized the rest of the sentence and not the yes . Before : Theo - Look ! Eggs are cooking ! Mommy - Yes , right , the eggs are cooking ! Now : Theo - Look ! Eggs are cooking ! Mommy - Yes ! Yes , that 's right ! YES ! Eggs are cooking . Yes . Theo , are the eggs cooking ? Yes ! Yes , Theo , yes , the eggs are cooking ! OK , it might sound obnoxious to you , but you already know the word . He has gotten it quickly , using it functionally . Do you want milk ? No . Water ? No . Soup ? " Yes . " That was my first yes from him , it happened some time last week ( I made the resolution before Jan 1 ) . Yesterday I asked Theo to practice singing Happy Birthday as we got ready to call Cousin Jo ( Happy B ' day , big ' tiv . . . a milestone ! ) He sang it all right . . . Happy Birthday dear Grinch , Happy Birthday to youSo far he is still attached to his stuffed Grinch ! This lovey is lasting a while , a long with two other teddy bears . He now calls the Grinch " Teddy Bear Grinch . " Over the vacation Theo talked quite a bit . Aunt Pia commented on his progress . Let 's just say it 's been very encouraging for mommy . Ell and Glo gave Theo a Magna Doodle , and so lately he 's been making us sit with him to draw him picture after picture . It 's so cute - he looks around the room and names something for us to draw . Chair , TV , table , piano . . . the most common request is cat . At first I was drawing elaborate cats who were licking themselves but now I draw stick figure cats , because he 's satisfied either way ! The second most common is to draw a " presents tree . " I know , I know , awwwwww ! Sometimes he randomly thinks of someone to draw . Classmates from school , Grace , Grandma , Mimi , Gigi . Mommy and Daddy of course . And he asks me to draw Theo , too ! He played said drawing game at Stacy 's house the other day and went from being wild and rambunctious to still and focused . She was amazed at the transition . She said he 's going to be an artist . Great , another artist in the family . . . ahhhhh ! His drawing is still mostly scribbles but sometimes he produces something good . Of course , no matter what it is , it warrants a place on the fridge or in his scrapbook . A couple of days ago I brought some work home and he stole a paper and drew on it . He brought it to me and said , " look ! " I hope my boss finds it acceptable when I hand in what looks like a pencil drawing of an amoeba . Happy New Year . The holiday week was a wonderful one . As usual , everyone was incredibly generous - an understatement - at Christmas , especially with Theo . I still have wrapped presents for him under the tree . We 're trying to go little by little so he can appreciate each present more , and because he is not yet of the age where he begs to open the gifts . Still , the living room is littered with toys ! Theo enjoyed unwrapping presents . My favorite reaction of his was to the batteries Aunt Gloria wrapped up to accompany several of her gifts . He opened them and said , " oooooh ! " She and I cracked up . |
Sorry if you were misled . I am not a " hotmom " I am a " hotmom " as in a pissed off mom . Join me on a journey from " super religious " mom to " anarchist " mom . I hope everyone is enjoying this the last day of the year . We are at 81 degrees with a cool breeze . I always have trouble with that one . I freeze with the slightest breeze on my skin so therefore I have on shorts , flip flops and a long sleeve t - shirt . Tricky one for sure , but I will take it over sweats and a down jacket . Today we will be grilling with my daughters family and drinking Yerba Mate to stay awake until New Years . Usually we celebrate at 9 : 00 and call it good , but we all feel like celebrating and so will take a few more hours to savor this year . It has been a very eventful year for our family and I give pause to give thanks for all the blessings we have received , as well as the trials we have learned and grown from . For those who know me you know family is # 1 on the list of important people and events in my life . My life revolves around my family and for that reason they are the top of my list of things to be thankful for this year . When we talked with our daughters the other evening to write down goals for the New Year the first one we all agreed on was a trip to the U . S . again in Oct to visit kids and grandkids there . It is constantly amazing to me that we can live here , and talk to my kids in the states everyday and see them a couple of times a year . It is like the best of both worlds and I am very thankful for this in my life . I hope everyone takes a chance to really reflect on the year past and by tomorrow come up with some ways they would like the New Year to be better , different and just really exciting ! Have fun , be safe and enjoy the people you love . When my kids were younger , I mean when the majority of my kids were younger , I used to make all of our own granola . I have not done it in years , but had some stuff I wanted to use up and made a batch today . This made my hubby very happy , he loves homade granola . My Mom gave me the recipe and it makes a good pan full of granola . It is best to keep it in an airtight container so that it stays really fresh . Mine usually does not even make it to the container . I had to include in the pic our raw milk that we get from the milk man three days a week . He delivers it to our house and it is sooo good . I have recently started taking the half inch of cream off the top as Rick has kind of high cholestral . Kind of defeats the purpose of the granola to pour cream on it I guess , but sure sounds good : ) In a large bowl measure 4 cups of oats . You can use quick , or old fashioned depending on how chewy you like it . Add one cup of dried coconut , one cup of raisins , and one cup of coarsely chopped nuts . In a saucepan melt one stick of butter and 1 / 2 cup of honey just until melted . Add one teaspoon of vanilla and stir into the dry ingredients . Bake in a 300 oven for about 40 minutes or until golden brown , stirring every 10 minutes to keep from burning . You can add any other dried fruits or nuts you like and use 1 cup of brown sugar mixed into the dry ingredients instead of the honey if desired . Posted by My sinuses are revolting , it has not rained for three days and I am getting all dried out . I think I start to grow gills in my nose at the end of rainy season and they have to dry up and fall up . The girls went swimming today and enjoyed the great weather . We will be doing a cook out for New Years day and are looking forward to that . Rainy season begins in May and works up to a climax around October . That would be the month we leave the country . After October it starts wanning and by Dec . we are dry again . We have " winter " in Dec . It gets down to 60 at night and everyone gets out the scarves , hats and gloves , we may wear them with shorts but hey it 's the thought that counts . Here baby is enjoying his time in the sun ! Wow what a bash ! We were not sure if the friends we have here in Costa Rica would understand the concept of a pot - luck , guess they did ! We had to take three rounds to finish off the food , and there was still enough left for every family to take plates home to share with family that could not make it . We sang Christmas songs in Spanish and then had another round of food . Then we put on some Cumba music , danced and ate another round . We are already on plans for next year , gotta add the fireworks ! Merry Christmas to all and Happy New Year ! If you think I am crazy about flowers you are exactly right ! We live in Heredia , which is the " City of Flowers " . I sent my husband to the flower lady to get me a centerpiece for our Christmas Party tonight . He brought these home , not quite what I had in mind , but beautiful for sure . Since we moved here to Costa Rica I have a thing about having fresh flowers on my table at all times . For under ten bucks you can 't pass it up . Since I cannot invite all of you , my blog friends to our Christmas Party tonight I will take lots of pics and fill you all in tomorrow . It is starting to sprinkle , which is rare this time of year , but with all the snow slamming to the north of us it is to be expected . I will take my sprinkly 80 degree weather any time . We lived through 14 winters in Flagstaff Arizona , there is a ski area there if that tells you how much snow we got . And I don 't ski ! I did the cookie excange a couple of weeks ago that one of the gals had on her blog site . One of the recipes was for cake balls . They looked great and we decided to give them a try . The bad news is did you know dipping chocolate can have a seizure ? Well it can and ours did . Our chocolate actually siezed up just like all of the sudden it stopped moving it literally siezed up . Well we are working on reviving it and trying to bring it back to life so that we can finish up our cake balls . This is the recipe we used , you can experiment like my daughter and come up with lots of fun ways to make the cake balls , then you will be a real life baller ! Bake one cake . Let it cool and stir it in with one can of frosting . We used carrot cake and white frosting . Form them into balls and freeze . I made some into snowmen . Melt your dipping chocolate , just not too much or it will seize , I guarantee that . Dip your balls and cool . For the snowmen I used a lemon cake mix and white frosting and dipped in white chocolate . We have also made some chocolate ones we are going to dip in a chocolate mint dip . You can get really imaginative and make some fun ones . I do believe people have forgotten how to write letters . Actually I think some of the younger generation never learned how to write a letter , address the envelope , buy a stamp and mail the letter . We got two letters in our mail today and it made my day . The only problem was one of them was from me : ) I had ordered our Christmas cards to be printed up , and delivered through a card company and wanted to see what they looked like . I ordered one to be sent to my daughters family through us so I could see it . We have a mail box in Miami so that we can mail stuff , and letters that otherwise will not mail to a PO box . Mostly it is for online shopping , but hey we also like mail . The other letter was from my son in Flagstaff . He has been in jail for six months and is just now figuring out how to do the whole mail process . He asked me last week on the phone if he just addressed it to our Miami address and how many stamps he should put on it ! OK son it is just going to Miami , one stamp will suffice . Hopefully now that he has seen how easy it is to mail a letter he will get fired up and send more , they are great to save in his scrapbook . One of those fun activites he can spend a nice family night with his family going over some day . As he constantly reminds me " this is just an experience for me to put into my life . " I would challenge you all to write a letter this week . Just take a few minutes to write to someone you have not written to in a long time . Not an email , a real live letter . I read the book , " Wednesdays Letters " , and it was great . A handwritten note is priceless . By the way I am in no way promoting the Post Office , my husband quit there about one and a half years ago ! When we lived in Flagstaff about a decade ago when movies were still affordable , Rick and I went to a movie . Once it started we realized it was in Italian with English subtitles . Rick wanted to leave and I said no let 's stay . That was one of the good choices I made . It turned out to be my all time favorite movie and made for a great evening out . I have recommended this movie to everyone I know and will continue to do so . We rented it at a later date so the kids could watch it , but it was not near as good in English . Something got lost in the translation so to speak . This is one of those movies that makes you determine to be a better , more positive person in all walks of life . Rent it or buy it , just try it ! One would think with all the new inventions to make it easier to communicate we would be a closer more communicative society . I think though that it is quite the opposite and we have only superficial communication and no real communication . You know the kind where you hang out for an afternoon and bake , or just sit on the porch and shoot the bull . We have a skype phone in our house so that we can make business calls to the U . S , and around the world . It works ok , unless you both want to talk at the same time , in which case you just have to wait for the darn thing to catch up with real time . Then we have a cell phone to use here in Costa Rica . Right now our daughter is using it until they get their own line from Ice . We also use that number for our business number . Of course we have our home phone . That one we rarely use , or get calls on . We are all shocked if someone calls us on it , and especially if we get a voice mail on it . It is very expensive to make international calls on it so we do not use it for that very often . Can 't forget the voip phone . That one has a U . S . number that forwards to our house so that we can get calls from the U . S . and talk to our kids still living there . Our son who is in jail is the victim of a really stupid set up they do in the jails , kind of a racket actually . There is a phone company that takes over the phone lines in the jail and you have to go through them to call out . Well Costa Rica will not accept calls from them , because they do not give Costa Rica enough money , so we have a voip phone . Then there is the internet . There are days when we don 't even have to talk here , we just instant message each other and keep up with what is going on . Pretty funny especially when we are sitting in the same room . So do we know each other any better , or have any better communication with all of these devices ? Of course not , I can 't even remember all my numbers half of the time ! I much prefer a nice slow afternoon of sitting and talking and watching the people walk by my house , that is the way to reallPosted by Can you imagine singing a solo in front of about 150 people ? I can 't either but my 14 year old did tonight . Now imagine doing it in another language . That too ! She sang a song in Spanish at a special program for young girls . I was very proud of her . One man asked her in broken English if she was the next Hannah Montanna ! We were always very commited to having the kids learn at least one instrument or some kind of music . She chose childrens choir and has been singing every since she was 8 . When she sang her solo she did not use the mike because she has a very loud voice . One man asked us if she took after her mother . I had to tell him all of our children play or sing , I listen , and my husband said he pays ! So far it has gotten one scholarship and hopefully made lots of happy memories for my children . I still remember the night we went to pick up one son from Juvy because he and his violin buddies had tried to steal a decoy deer out of the front of someones house , oh yeah good times . I found an awesome blog site yesterday and would highly recommend it to anybody who has , will or is adopting a child . It is A4everFamily . org . I learned a lot from it about some of Maleahs behaviors , as well as my reactions . After raising six children you would like to think you have it somewhat figured out . Guess what , I just keep being amazed at how much I do not have figured out ! Just when I think I have it figured out the rules change , or the kid changes , or the world changes , or I change ! You get the idea , there are no rules , there are no constants except the values and principals we live by . The real trick I guess is learning to apply our principals on every situation we run into with our children as well as ourselves . A good example of this is the belief I have that it really does matter who your friends are and who you hang out with . My daughter is just starting to believe me on this one , but it is really difficult to learn . She would like to believe that as long as she is doing what she knows is ok it is all good . Unfortunately it is not like that anymore . She has an older brother who is going to be in prison for at least five years because he did not believe this concept . He thought and actually still thinks that it is ok to go along with the group , as long as you don 't " inhale " so to speak . Not true as he has very painfully been made aware of . I guess this is my soap box for the week , and why I love blogging ! I get to choose who I check out and who I hang out with ! There are so many blogs and so little time . I have a great new word for friends who blog " frogs " ! This is our first graduate of the full 500 hour massage program . We were thrilled to work with her and enjoyed her very much . She is going to be an awesome massage therapist , ah heck she is already an awesome massage therapist ! We wish her the best and hope all our students continue to be as smart and make us look as good as she does . It was a long six months for her but she worked through a lot of obstacles to get her certificate . She had to travel from Jaco beach every week to do her hands on work . She was also our first student who completed her book work online . It worked out great for all involved and she feels very ready to take and pass her national exam . We will be begining another class in just five short weeks . I am looking forward to getting to work with more than one person as it will be easier to have them practise when they have each other . Massage is great and it is even more fun to teach it and see people really enjoy it , I guess that is true of anything you teach . I have been thinking all day about the miracle of the internet . For the two years that we lived in Costa Rica we had to do all of our internet business at the internet store . It is really cheap here , but it was a real hassle . When we bought our house the first thing we wanted to do was get hooked up to the internet . We started the process . The first thing you have to do here is get on a waiting list with ICE . After six months of waiting we were ready to go . My husband went with my son - in - law to talk to the people , after waiting in line for 2 hours of course . They were told that because here in Costa Rica the original owner of the home also owns the phone line we could not get the internet without the original owners permission . Enter Darwin , the original owner of our house . He was also a gringo and gave us a smokin deal on our house . He is a decent enough guy and we figured we would have no problems with him . Well he was not the problem , his wife was . For some reason unknown to us she did not want to give permission for us to get the internet . Enter our good friend Jens . We told him the whole story and he went to ICE with my husband and went to a different office , with no waiting by the way . They met with a guy who told them pretty much the same story we had heard the first time around . This time Jens told them the truth , he did not know where the heck the owner was and he could not be reached by us . The next week we had the internet . That is the perfect example of the way things work here in Costa Rica , kind of weird . We love having the internet in our home , and because of having the internet we can now get a voip phone , which makes it possible for us to keep in contact with our kids everywhere . Just one of the many things we have come to appreciate on our adventure here in Costa Rica ! If the first and best way to get into the Christmas spirit is service , then making cookies is a shoe in for second place . Of course that is coming from a true " cookie monster " . I love cookies . They are my number one comfort food and I turn to them frequently these days . When I went into labor with all my kids I always made a batch of oatmeal cookies . My thinking was that the kids and hubby would have a somewhat healthy snack for a few days until I was back up and around . I don 't know why buying a box of granola bars never really entered my mind ! These cookies have a history . I learned to cook when I was nine years old . My mother put me into 4H and there I learned to cook and sew . The first thing I ever cooked was this cookie , snickerdoodles . They bring back fond memories and they are fun to make with the kids . I just have to relax and not worry about them being symetrical ! SNICKERDOODLES : 2 cups sugar3 eggs1 / 2 tsp . baking soda1 cup butter4 cups flour1 / 4 tsp . almond flavoringMix everything into a stiff dough . Roll into balls . Roll in a mixture of 1 / 2 cup sugar and 1Tbls . of cinamon . Place on a cookie sheet 2 " apart . Bake 8 - 10 minutes at 375 degrees until lightly browned . Cool on a paper towel and enjoy ! They passed this test for sure ! She was a little disappointed though because when she saw me put them on the pretty plate and get the milk she thought it was for Santa ! Soon enough . I find the best way to get into the true spirit of Christmas is to do something for someone else . Today we took part in the fundraiser to raise money for an orphanage here in Costa Rica for handicapped children . Many volunteers pitched in time , money and energy to make it happen . We were glad to just take our crowd and eat the spagetti and listen to the band . Jim was the serving guy . He was kind enough to even specialize plates for the kids ! Harmony Roads was the name of the band there to entertain us with their great music . Like I said we were just happy to be there and enjoy the food to do our part ! Believe it or not the girlies waited all week to see Santa ! Don 't they just look thrilled ? After I took the picture I told them that at least Santa was smiling . My younger sister has cancer . She has had cancer for almost 20 years . When she was nine years old they took half of her stomach out . Six years later they took out the rest of her stomach . Presently she is at the doc . most days for pain management or chemo , or ct scans , mri 's , or you name it . The latest was kidney stones . I had not seen my sister for about four years and got a chance to see her when we were in the U . S . in Oct . It was quite a shock . I would not have recognized her if I had not known I was in her house . I think she was happy with the shock effect because she is just like that . She has a four year old son , a dumb ex husband and a great mom that takes care of her . My mom lives with her and takes care of her , makes sure she takes all her meds , gets to all of her appts , and eats really good , mom is a great cook . Every day when I run or work out I do it for my sister . I thank God that I have a strong body and am healthy and able to go out for a run . I talk to my sister while I run and tell her I am doing this because she can 't , and I want to do something for her that she can 't do for herself . Of course if she had her choice of what she would do if she could I don 't think running would be on the list ! Sorry Sarah I can 't dance . My daughter is 14 , it is very painful to be that age I do believe and remember . She has been doing swim workouts every day and doing very well with that . Now the trick is to teach her to incorporate her school work into her day . I have tried to convince her that she can do more than one project a day . I guess study habits are something that are learned and developed . My son in law is trying to finish up some school and having trouble with the whole study habit idea . His wife also is taking internet classes and dealing with once again , study habits . With our students at our massage school we try to keep up with them so that they do not fall behind . The ones who do the best ? The ones with good study habits . Good study habits really are nothing more than not procastinating ! It is important to keep up with the info as you receive it and learn the important points before moving on to a new concept . With our internet massage classes we try and make sure with reviews as well as tests that our students are caught up and learning the material . I have always been the " over achiever " in class and tried to be one step ahead . It did make it easier to actually graduate and finish classes and projects that I start . I recently completed an online course for Ayurvedic medicine . I had it done the first two weeks and it took the online instructor six months to complete all the checking and feedback , frustration ! Do you get caught up in the Christmas Rush ? I used to but gave it up for good a few , actually quite a few years ago . I believe it was a midnight on Christmas eve , after we had taken goodie plates to all the neighbors and friends and relatives , and I was working frantically to finish sewing the dress I had made for my daughter . At that point I took a serious reflection moment and said never again ! And fortunately for my sanity I have stuck with that resolution . The next year we started inviting all our neighbors , friends and relatives over for an evening of christmas goodies and visiting . Wow , what a change . That one change in and of itself made my Christmas so much more enjoyable . I also quite sewing for Christmas . I love to sew , but found it was just too busy around the holidays to even try it . With all the recitals and family activities it was just better to sew other times of the year . In other words if I wanted to make a Christmas dress for my daughter , better get it done by Nov . Well I never did that , so I just bought or skipped it . The last year we were living in Flagstaff we did our annual Christmas party with the neighbors and I actually ordered pizza ! That was getting way lazy , but hey I was working a ton and there was a lot going on ! Actually I believe we all had just as much fun and enjoyed the evening as much if not more . Try to think of one holiday tradition that you can modify or maybe just dump . Maybe it is something you started when the kids were young , but really does not apply anymore . Just kind of reassess your holidays and make you leave the cheer ! I love Manuel Antonio beach ! It is my favorite beach so far in Costa Rica , and believe me we have been checking them out . We even took our christmas card picture there this weekend . It was beautiful at the beach and we enjoyed teaching and just hanging out . There are many beaches here in Costa Rica and we have checked out many . We also like Puerto Viejo , which is on the Caribean side of the country . It is very laid back and a little bit more affordable . On the Pacific side we have visited Jaco , Punteranus , Samara , as well as Osa Peninsula . We did not care for them as much as MA . They are a little more crowded and more expensive . There are as many beaches as places people are coming from to choose from though so there is lots to pick from . If you would like more info or help planning a vacation feel free to contact us , we love to share Costa Rica with all ! |
JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . Shandra opened her eyes . It only took a moment to remember where she was . After Tyrus left with the rest of the group the night before , Killashandra had gone with Elandra back to her place for safety . Slightly embarrassed , she pulled herself away from the Elf . Elandra laughed . " What I recall is Tyrus ' face ; he didn 't like that one bit . But we 'd best be getting up . It 's probably mid - morning up there , and you 've got to get ready for your date . " The Elf lit a small lamp . The women were in a lavishly furnished room . Only one thing seemed out of place : a ladder which led up to a trap door . Elandra had bought a small cottage in Fallerun , then had a secret basement constructed . She was vague on the details , but Shandra suspected that those who did the work had taken the secret of the house to their graves . The top level of the cottage was a very normal , typical residence . The trap door to the basement was cleverly concealed , and Elandra left enough wealth upstairs in jewelery and coins to deceive any visitors . When alone , she would sleep in the basement room for safety . The last night 's incident with Grosh had encouraged the women to spend the night in hiding . As predicted , it was already ten o ' clock in the morning . After breakfast , Elandra coached Shandra on how nobles expected a lady to behave so she could leave a good impression on the mayor . She also gave some miscellaneous information about the mayor . Elandra had avoided any personal encounters with Renferell on the off chance that information would lead back to Riker , but she had plenty of good information . Apparently Renferell had never wed , and he considered that a blemish against his status as a noble . Since being appointed mayor of Fallerun he had a few mistresses , but none would marry him . Not very surprising , Shandra thought . Money can only get you so far . Who would want to be with him ? In the afternoon , Elandra took Shandra to a tailor . They had selected one of Elandra 's slinky dresses for the date , but it had to be altered to fit . Once the dress was ready , Shandra borrowed some modest jewelery from Elandra to complete the outfit . She chose a necklace and bracelets that went with her own Earrings of Suggestion . With everything prepared , the women headed over to the Blue Drake to wait for the mayor 's courier . While they waited , Elandra flirted with some of the merchants . Shandra sat watching the door , waiting with slightly nervous anticipation . She knew she needed to carefully manipulate Renferell with this date . The encounter could turn dangerous , especially if Grosh interfered . Soon an exotic - looking man entered . He had striking facial features , black hair , tan skin , and dark brown eyes . He saw Shandra and gave her a charming smile ; she responded with a cautious half - smile . The man then walked over to the bar and started speaking with the innkeeper . It was hard to hear what he was asking , but Shandra thought she heard him ask something about his grandmother . " I have to go . Now . " Elandra sounded slightly panicked . " That young man who just entered … I think I recognize him from Riker 's manor . Good luck with the date . Be careful ! " Before Shandra could respond , Elandra was out the door . Not long thereafter , the mayor 's courier arrived with a guard . The courier was wearing fine attire as before , and the guard 's armor looked like it had been polished . They greeted Shandra politely and escorted her out to a carriage . The courier spoke practically non - stop during the journey about how the mayor would be so pleased and how lovely Shandra looked this evening . The carriage took them out the North gate of town , then over the bridge , and finally on a smaller path toward the old fort . The gates of the fort opened to admit them . " Oh , I 'm so delighted - uh , I mean … Welcome to the center of government of Fallerun ! " the mayor began , already stammering . " I 'm so delighted that you 've come ! Thanks for com - for accepting the invitation . " What name would Shandra have given to the courier ? Her own name or another ? How will Shandra act ? What topics will she bring up for discussion ? Is there anything specific she will try to accomplish ? Unless you specify otherwise , I 'm assuming that Shandra has her whip and dagger carefully concealed on her person . She also has her earrings , ring , and Dueling Cloak . The rest of her gear ( including armor ) is at Elandra 's . Asmodeus would probably start to give Shandra instructions , she would probably interrupt him and tell him that she would handle the date , and he would realize that she was right and he should back off , but would reiterate getting the entire group in good with the mayor before dropping it . And remember that Asmodeus is from the town . It might even be possible that Renferell knows who he is , since there probably hasn 't been anybody else that 's gone to the University from Fallerun . And can I just say I 'm sad I won 't see you and the DM having this conversation over the table . Ah well . The limitations of this way of doing DnD . Whipblade , I think the mayor himself doesn 't pose much of a threat . But I 'd be wary of anyone else you may meet who 's close to Renferell : the courier , healers , advisors , etc . Just because Renferell is a stammering fool doesn 't mean someone much more shrewd isn 't pulling his strings . You might seduce the mayor , but I doubt he 's the real power in Fallerun . You 'll have to worm your way into the good graces of everyone you meet , or at least look fairly innocent and harmless . Shandra introduces herself as the Lady Enjelica Amberly . She is the epitome of ladiness . She is polite , and demure throughout the night . She curtsies where appropriate , and will act tastefully flirty toward Renferrel . If he 's too forward she will back off . She 's setting the stage for a slow courtship so she can see him more . She will not allow him to kiss her , as " a lady never kisses on a first date . " That 's right . If he gets too friendly , Shandra can always jab the mayor 's recent wound . Nock would appreciate it , I 'm sure . " Ah , yes . Well , I recall seeing you during my speech before I … well , that is , perhaps let 's not bring up that disturbing incident now . I believe that our meal is ready . " The courier led them into a large dining room . The table was long enough to seat a dozen comfortably , but there were only two chairs . Shandra was seated on one end of the table , and Renferell sat on the other side . Fine china was set at her place . Candles and flowers were set decoratively along the table . As dinner was served , ' Enjelica ' asked Renferell about his background and how he became mayor of Fallerun . It did not take much prompting to get him talking . He was eager to tell of his family and successes , no doubt trying to impress his guest . Renferell started with his claim to nobility : his uncle Bernard Isley . Apparently Isley was very close to his sister , Renferell 's mother . When Renferell was only a few years old , his father passed away and his uncle took them in . They lived with his uncle for many years . " My uncle recognized my good , ah that is cunning intellect . He knew I was a born leader , so one day he gave me some soldiers and instructed me to come to Fallerun . The little town was so disorganized ! It needed help . Did you know it wasn 't even part of the Kingdom at that time ? " Shandra listened politely as the mayor babbled on for over an hour . She asked questions occasionally to steer the conversation into areas that might yield information . He talked often about his famous and powerful uncle who had ties to the King . He talked about his mother fondly ; she was still living with Isley in Lysidia . He talked about how successful he has been as the mayor of Fallerun , and all the ways he 's improved and ' civilized ' the place . When asked about the assassination attempt , he was flustered . " I have no idea why anybody would want to kill me ! I am respected , well you might even say loved by the people ! That 's why I harbor suspects , er , suspicions that the Corbain family was involved ! They have always been at odds with Uncle Bernard . But my advisers are convinced that it was some random anarchist . " He wouldn 't talk about it long , instead focusing on how lovely it was to have Lady Amberly to dinner . By that time their fine meal had been fully served . The cook had just brought out some wine and desert . As he pressed the subject , Shandra evaded his questions . This seemed to pique his curiosity . She had prepared an elaborate cover story , but to ensure that he would buy it she questioned if she could really trust him . " Of course , my lady ! Certainly , I am the best , or most trustworthy person in Fallerun ! As you know , there are certain disrespectful persons in this town despite my best efforts . And they … well , I can be trusted implicitly ! " was his response . " I don 't remember much about my childhood , but I remember my name . That is the one thing that is truly mine . My father … he was a pearl trader . We had the most beautiful ships and … I think we were quite wealthy . I can 't remember for sure , but I know that our family owned several ships , and I know that our house was quite large … How he loved diving ! Papa Rolos really was quite good at it . He could hold his breath for hours ! At least it seemed like hours … Please excuse my rambling . " " Anyway … I remember the day clearly because it was launch day . The first day of the pearl hunt . Many ships leave before … but it isn 't safe due to the winter storms along the southern coast of Cypur , where I grew up . Papa let me come along as a special treat that day even though it was bitter cold . He couldn 't keep us inside . When the ships set forth , papa held me tight as I clung to the railing with the sea - spray splashing on my face . I held onto the railing a long time , watching the hundreds of ships set out in different directions with their different colored sails - it was like a rainbow of wind , moving out in all directions . I remember feeling very lucky . Many children wanted to be on the ships when they set out , but hardly any were allowed . I was … I was really lucky . At least I thought so . I don 't remember which direction we sailed , just that the ships got smaller and smaller on the horizon until they disappeared and we were alone . I fell asleep with the gentle rocking of the ship . " I woke up … to a sound I will never forget . It sounded like … the sound of a whip cracking against water . But loud . Louder than you can possibly imagine . I remember the yells and screams . I was … I was the darling of the crew , but in a panic they had all but forgotten me . Even my father . They were all pointing at something on the horizon . I remember … " I remember the ship the first time I saw it . It was a black silhouette against the setting sun , with a glowing red nimbus . The cracking sound emanated from it . The ship got closer , and as it got closer , the crew grew more panicked , and as they became more panicked , the more scared I became . I always bit my fingernails as a child when I was nervous . I think in those moments I chewed them all off . The black ship was far away . So far away … then suddenly it reared up on top of us . My father finally found me and took me below decks , but I could hear the cannon fire . It seemed to go on forever . One long thunderous echo . I heard sounds of fighting . That 's when my father left me . He made me promise . Made me promise that I wouldn 't leave that spot , hiding under the … I 'm sure it has some fancy name , but - it was basically just a pile of rigging . " It was loud for a long time before it got quiet . I heard … footsteps . I knew … you know how when you grow up someplace , you learn the sounds of a place ? How it creaks ? How it settles ? You can tell when someone comes home even though they haven 't spoken ? . . . That 's the way I knew that ship . I knew the sound and feel of it . That 's how I knew they were all gone . The sound of the ship had changed . It sounded different . " He called me out of my hiding place . He said , ' I can see you . Come out of there . ' I 've never heard a voice like that before . Nor shall I again . Hypnotic . Like a pleasant echo . I knew I couldn 't hide , so I didn 't try . I wasn 't scared then . Just … empty . My father was gone . I knew it , but for some reason I couldn 't cry … . so I stepped out of hiding and saw him for the first time . At the mention of this name Renferell 's eyes went wide . Shandra repressed a smile . Her story was taking effect , and he was familiar with the infamous pirate . " You can grin and laugh if you want to . I would . I grew up on stories of Captain Tharis that my fathers crew would tell me . I thought they were exciting … I … It was him . I … I was taken by his crew back to his ship . I saw the bodies . They burned the ship . I was the only one left alive . I never saw my father again . I was six . " " I was taken to an island . Lockstone Reach . A cavernous city of ships and cliffs and tunnels . I grew up there , in Blackwater Keep , Tharis ' cliffside fortress . I couldn 't escape , there was no where to go . It has a drawbridge that opens to the sea . The only time it opened was when The Lash , Tharis ' ship returned . " I was raised by my Nan - an beautiful woman and the bravest person I know . She was the only one I ever saw stand up to Tharis and live … besides Tyrus . But I 'm getting ahead of myself . " My mother died in childbirth , and I grew up with my father . Nan was the mother I never knew . She taught me how to be a lady . How to sew and play the harpsichord , and dozens of other things that … I guess are useful for women to know . There were many women there . Prizes that the men would bring home . But the best were for Tharis . My … Nan was the best . She … she didn 't like to talk about it . There were times she wouldn 't give into him . His eyes really do burn like fire you know ? Most of the time their dim , but when he 's angry … which can happen a lot … they burn . You learn not to look him in the eyes . I remember feeling like they would burn me up . But most of the time he was gone . He would always bring us all gifts when he came home . The gifts were always lavish and interesting , but I 'll never forget when Tyrus stepped off his ship . " He was a young man that Tharis had taken as a toy for the rest of the crew . A living whipping post . I 've never seen a skinnier young man with more willpower . He was skin and bones and blood when we were first told to care for him . We did our best to heal his wounds with the week we had , but … after that he was taken back to the ship . In the months after , each time he returned a little less bloody . He proved … a little tougher than the crew expected . " Oh , no ! " the mayor responded with vigor . " You haven 't bored me at all ! You are very interesting … ah , that is your story , of course . What a life you must have lived ! What hardships ! Please continue … I want to know more about you . " " Perhaps another time , " she replied . Then putting on a mournful expression she added , " It 's a difficult story to tell . I only tell it to those who I 'm close to , or want to be close to . " At this she looked up coyly at Renferell . " Suffice to say , my friends - especially Tyrus - rescued me . " The courier left the letter with Renferell who looked at it distractedly . He was still mulling over Shandra 's story . She was curious to know what was in the letter , so eventually she asked politely if he was going to read it . " How delightful , " he said at last . " My mother is coming to visit ! She 's already on her way , and should be here in ten days time . " Then looking up at Enjelica he continued , " I very much hope that you 'll consent to spending time with mother and me … uh mother and I . I 'm sure she 'd be delighted to meet someone so interesting as yourself . " Shandra smiled broadly . " I 'd be honored . It 's been a delightful evening , and I 'd love to return . But dear me ! It 's gotten so late ! I really should get going . Thank you so much for dinner . " Renferell sat up in his chair . " Oh ? Yes , you 're right . It is rather late . But you can 't , er , are you sure ? I would be sorry to make you travel so late . You are welcome to spend the night here . We have a guest room that you could be very comfortable in . " Then after an awkward pause he added , " My carriage will take you back to town if you desire , of course . But I hope you 'll stay . " Shandra is hesitant to reply . She tells Renferrel that she needs to get back , but is afraid for her safety : Recently some friends of hers were attacked by a local gang known as the Darkrunners , who were being led by some half - orc . She asks if Renferrel 's guards can adequately protect her . Shandra needs to decline this initial invitation to keep Renferrel 's interest strong . She also wants to get back to Elandra to talk about what she has learned - especially about this Corbain family . Additionally … is there any way we can use his mothers visit to our advantage ? Kidnapping ? Extortion ? Hmmm … I think we should kidnap Renferrel 's mother and frame some of the townspeople . Maybe place her , bound and gagged , in the cellar of MacArthur 's house . Possibly forge a ransom note . We have to incite the townspeople to riot , not just scare them about outside threats . Shandra hesitated in her reply . " That 's so sweet of you , but I really should return to town . I am a little nervous though , because my friends were attacked yesterday by some brutes calling themselves the Outcasts ! There was this terrible half - orc leading them ! Could you send some guards to protect me ? " " I know just the ones you 're talking about , " he replied . " They are troublemakers , ah that is , they cause a little trouble for some people . They never bother me , of course . Rather they try to sell me useful information . Why just today I think that same half - orc was here talking to the Captain of the Guard … " " But in any case , have no fear ! Those ruffians are not as strong , ah , are no match for my guards ! " The mayor beamed with pride . " I 'll send for the guards at once ! You 'll make it home safely darli - my dear . " After many thanks , goodbyes , and a promise to return , Shandra was escorted by three guards back to the carriage which returned her to the Blue Drake Inn . Once the carriage had left , she headed straight back to Elandra 's cottage . The Elf welcomed her inside . Shandra recounted the events of the evening , taking special note to ask about the Corbain family . Elandra explained that the Corbain family was also an influential noble family , but they butted heads with Isley . The two families often could be found trying to undercut , back - stab , and get ahead of the other family in the eyes of the King . Elandra was especially interested in the upcoming visit of Renferell 's mother . " I 'll bet Asmodeus will be thrilled to hear about that . There 's so many possibilities ! Isley has always been very close to her . If word gets out that she 's missing and that Gnolls are harassing the town … oh yes , that will make him mad . And better still , if other nobles hear about it , Isley will lose face because of his incompetent nephew . " Over the next few days , Shandra visited Renferell at his fort several more times . She was treated to lunch , saw the Mayor 's library , and walked around the courtyard and battlements of the fort . She discretely kept track of the guards and the layout . All the while she carefully flirted with Renferell . He was obviously interested in her , but she kept her distance and never let him get too close . He constantly tried to impress her with his notions of nobility and position as mayor . Shandra also learned about Renferell 's people . He had one courier ( the same one Shandra met before ) that always stayed in town . He also had a few others who would come and go with news , letters , and other information . She met cooks and maids and others , but one figure was elusive : Jorn Braithwaite . The mayor 's personal healer was often found standing around nearby , but he never spoke a word to ' Lady Amberly ' . Shandra avoided speaking to the guards , and only saw the Captain of the Guards once . Meanwhile , Elandra kept a low profile . She was still worried about that man tied somehow to Riker . Discretely she tried to keep track of him , and sent Shandra out to watch him occasionally . The man was called Dustin , and was apparently in town searching for family . He 'd find them faster if he didn 't spend so much time in the taverns , Shandra thought . The days turned into a week . Tyrus and the others had not yet returned . Shandra worried about them , but Elandra assured her that it could easily take 2 weeks for them to deal with the guards properly . Renferell had invited her to another dinner that night . But this time there would be a gathering of important and prominent people whom the mayor had invited . No doubt he wants to impress them by having me on his arm , Shandra scoffed . I 'll pause here . How does Shandra want to handle the mayor 's little party ? Anything specific ? You may be able to slip away from Renferell 's attention and explore a bit . Also you 're confident that you could spend any night at the fort if you just ask . Good call on Jorn . Shandra suspects he may have already cast a clerical scrying spell ( detect evil ) allowing him to see her aura , if not her intentions . She 'll be wary around him . As for the party , Shandra is interested in meeting the notable people and making powerful friends and potential allies . Additionally , she 'll want to drop a clue to Renferrel about Tyrus , Asmodeus and the others looking for work in the ' security ' department … very lightly . She doesn 't want to push it until it 's discovered that the guards who went gnoll hunting won 't be coming back . That evening the mayor 's carriage picked up ' Lady Amberly ' at the Blue Drake Inn ; it was becoming usual . As they rode toward the fort , Shandra looked out at the wilderness . The weather had turned sharply cold the last day or two - October was asserting its independence from September . She huddled in the coat she 'd borrowed from Elandra and hoped that Tyrus was okay out there . Renferell greeted his date as she arrived , and quickly led her off to the parlor to meet the guests that had already arrived . She was introduced to a pair of rich merchants who based their operations out of Fallerun . Apparently they had sucked up to the mayor enough to convince him to give them a tax break . Next she met the editor of the Fallerun Gazette , a local newsletter . Renferell explained that he was a friend from Lysidia which he 'd brought here to help inform the citizens of all his wonderful policies and successes . Shandra thought he was an obvious sycophant , but held her tongue . Someone standing off in the corner caught her attention . It was Jorn , silently observing the party . She watched him briefly while attempting to be discrete . Renferell pulled on her arm . Shandra turned to see the Dwarven paladin . When he saw her a slight look of confusion crossed his face . Shandra quickly curtsied and greeted him saying , " It 's a pleasure to meet you . I 've never met a Knight Justicar before . It 's such an honor , you do such a service to King and country ! " Her bluff seemed to work ; the Dwarf 's face turned to a smile . " Well , that 's awfully kind of ye , " Bejic replied . " I dunna know how much I 've been helpful , but perhaps a bit . " He smiled . " I 've always been proud of bein ' part of the order , ever since I was young I wanted to be a Justicar . I 'm glad to meet ye as well . " Over the next hour , a few other merchants and a banker from Kessler and Sons arrived . Then the mayor 's courier came in and whispered something to Renferell . He looked nervous , but the mayor replied , " Let me come see him . " Upon standing up and turning toward the door , both men stopped in their tracks . A figure stood in the doorway . Renferell looked curious and the courier was pale with shock . " I didn 't let him past the front gate , sir ! " the courier whispered . " Mayor Renferell , it 's such an honor ! " the figured called out as he stepped into the room . Shandra was taken aback as she recognized his distinctive features . It was Dustin Ashe ! He was wearing fine looking clothing , though Shandra wasn 't sure she 'd ever seen such a style . " I am terribly sorry , your mayorship , for coming uninvited and unannounced . But I couldn 't pass up the opportunity to meet Isley 's famous nephew . I 've only just arrived in Fallerun this last week , and I 've already heard so much about you . I knew that I must greet you and your friends in person ! " " Of course , of course ! You know my uncle ? Er , well , I suppose just about everyone does . Naturally . Not personally , for most that is . Come in , Mr . uh … " Dustin reached out , grabbed Shandra 's hand and kissed it . " You are a breath of fresh air , lady . " He gave her a knowing look - Shandra was sure he recognized her . Dustin then proceeded to talk with the mayor and his guests . The mayor was quick to tell of his ' successes ' and ' wonderful policies ' . Dustin subtly mocked him at each turn , but the mayor did not seem to realize it . Two of the merchants chuckled at each unnoticed jab , but the banker seemed offended . The editor was quickly jotting down notes . Dustin may end up the talk of the town , Shandra thought . Dustin will freely partake of the wine and hors d ' oeuvres . He hasn 't eaten all day and he misses finer boozes . He 'll be very conversational . He wants to discover anything he can about Renferell 's connections and hear the talk about noblemen in other cities . He 'll also gather all the information he can on all the local events and tragedies he 's been hearing about in town . Also , at the most soonest opportunity , Dustin will pull Shandra aside and slyly observe , " So the ' Lady Amberly ' likes her men blubberous and bald . Strange , I would 've pegged your match to be something more of a warrior . " EDIT : Dustin will also casually ask about dragon activity , both local and remote , recent and past history . He has a habit of doing this in whatever company he happens to be with . He 'll just take 10 ( + 4 Cha modifier ) on skill checks for Gathering Information about nobility , local events , and dragon lore , unless you ( DM ) want me to roll for them . Dustin intrigues Shandra . It seems he knows who she is , or he 's just a very good player . She wants to find out which . At the earliest opportunity , she 'll chat him up so they can speak without being overheard too much . As for Dustin 's comment about her men , she wants to know if he knows Tyrus , so she 'll respond with , ' You don 't seem much of a warrior . ' " And you don 't seem much of a noblewoman , " Dustin replies with a smile . " But perhaps looks can be deceiving ? Like the way true warriors can have clean fingernails and noblewomen can spend time in run - down taverns with disreputable company . Whipblade , will Shandra take Dustin up on the offer to sneak off and look around the fort ? Although this is slight meta - gaming , I want the party to tend to trust Dustin ; as if you made a really great Sense Motive roll . If you don 't post , I 'll roll a die to decide how Shandra will respond . " I guess the life of a noble can be somewhat … boring at times . " Shandra replied to Dustin 's comment . " You could say I aspire to higher things than being a mere noblewoman . " Shandra sipped at her wine , glancing in Renferrel 's direction as Dustin offered to escort her elsewhere . After a moments consideration , she nodded her assent , and followed him to the periphery of the party . " So , what do you aspire to ? " she queried encouragingly . " One thousand gold reward ? " Dustin asked with a slightly suppressed smile . " That 's a hefty bounty ! Surely that 's generated quite a bit of interest … it 's hard to believe that the villain hasn 't been apprehended ! " " Sadly , no , " Renferell replied . " I 'm afraid that hasn 't … the reward hasn 't been the motivation that I had hoped . The only person , er , uh , the only one who 's asked about it is that half - Orc . He says that some Gnome is conspiring with some , uh , other people or something like that . My Captain of the Guard thinks his - that is to say the half - Orc 's - information is worth following up on , but I 'm not so sure . " " Exactly my point . With that character , who knows what he 'd say for so much money ! I wish that some more respectable fol - uh , persons would come with the assassin arrested ! " " Of course , " Dustin answered . " Please do forget I mentioned such a preposterous notion . " Having said this , he took a drink from his glass . Shandra thought she noticed a gleam in his eye and a slightly obscured smile . After some time , Shandra realized that she had been left alone on a couch . The mayor was so engrossed in the conversation stirred up by Mr . Ashe that he hadn 't doted on her for nearly half and hour . She wasn 't sure whether to be grateful for the reprieve or angry at being upstaged . Then Dustin sat down next to her . " So the ' Lady Amberly ' likes her men blubberous and bald . Strange , I would 've pegged your match to be something more of a warrior . " He emphasized the word warrior by placing a hand to his chest . Her remark was met with a melodramatic gesture of pretended offense . Then with a smile he responded , " And you don 't seem much of a noblewoman . But perhaps looks can be deceiving ? Like the way true warriors can have clean fingernails and noblewomen can spend time in run - down taverns with disreputable company . " I aspire to spending time with beautiful women , such as yourself , " he quipped . " Ideally in much more private , intimate encounters . But since you seem to be attached to a dangerous sounding fellow who wears black plate , perhaps you can tell me about your lovely Elf friend . She doesn 't seem the shy type , but she 's disappeared every time I get a glimpse of her . " " Well , my lady , since you insist , " he said . Suddenly his tone became very serious . " I want to kill a certain Lysidian nobleman , but first I need to find the right man . " There was a brief but awkward pause . Then Dustin 's jesting tone returned . " If I 'm not mistaken , you and your friends are working some kind of scheme against the poor fool of a mayor . I happen to dislike incompetent leaders and their corrupt uncles , so we have common goals . Is that not the case ? " Shandra smiled . " Over the last week I 've been acquainting myself with the layout of the fort . I haven 't seen the treasury , but I 'm pretty sure it 's this way . " The two headed down the long hallways that ran parallel to the main outer walls of the fort . They dodged past several guards , a busy kitchen , and a pair of open doors . Shandra led them to a door in the back of the fort where Renferell had never taken her . No light could be seen from under the door , so Dustin cautiously opened it . A small room with stairs descending into darkness was revealed . The two looked at each other questioningly . Naturally , Dustin will want to descend . If Shandra doesn 't want to , he won 't press it . If she agrees , he 'll pull out a candlestick from his pocket and , instead of lighting it , cast light on it before proceeding . As soon as he nears the bottom of the staircase , he 'll cast detect magic and get a good look at his surroundings . Shandra 's natural inclination is to show this guy she 's not afraid and go first down the steps : no problem . Being kept captive for great length has taught her a measure of reserve though . She 's going to look warily around , to see if they were followed . Specifically , for Jorn or some other too curious individual : After that , she thinks a moment about what she knows about this Dustin Ashe . She 's known him for a very slight amount of time . Could he be an agent of Renferrel , trying to learn more about her ? She dismisses the idea . He doesn 't seem the ' official ' type , but basically this amounts to a Sense Motive check - just to see if he seems ' legit ' . Once she determines he 's on the up and up and that the coast is clear , she 'll smile winningly at him , and gesture into the dark : " After you . " " Care to descend into the darkened depths ? If you 're frightened , we can hold hands . " Afraid ? I 'll show this guy . She nearly stepped forward , but then discarded that first thought . The long time she spent imprisoned at the Order of Scions University had taught her a measure of reserve that fought against her free spirit . So instead , she looked warily around for signs of Jorn or anyone else . What do I know about this Dustin Ashe anyway ? Is it possible that he 's an agent of Renferell trying to learn more about me ? Or maybe Elandra is right and he 's connected to Riker or Isley ? She stared briefly at Dustin who had cocked his head to the side with a curious look . Then she dismissed the idea , deciding there was no way he could be an official anything . No , he 's definitely someone like us . Dustin smiled back and reached into his pocket , pulling out a small candlestick . But instead of lighting it with fire , he cast a Light spell on it . Holding it aloft , he started down the stairs . The air was stale as they descended . Obviously it wasn 't a high traffic area . Soon they reached the bottom . Dustin paused , blocking the way . Before she could protest , he raised his hand indicating that she should wait . After a brief pause , he stumbled backward slightly . " Nothing . Sorry . I just didn 't expect to detect such a powerful magical aura . Hopefully it 's just a gigantic pile of magic items … but be careful just in case . " As Dustin stepped forward , Shandra got her first glimpse into the chamber . They had entered a vaulted hall lined with statues . There were five smaller statues on either side , and one large one blocking the end of the hallway . Behind the large statue , Shandra thought she saw a door . What 's your next move ? None of the statues have moved . The large statue is on the other side of the hall , roughly 50 feet away . You may make Knowledge , Spellcraft , and / or Sense Motive checks to gain more information . Based on your good Knowledge checks , both characters realize that the large statue is a stone golem . The rest of the statues appear to be ordinary statues . Both characters also know that it is an extremely dangerous opponent . The presence of a golem describes why Dustin felt a powerful magical aura . Based on your checks , Dustin knows / remembers that golems are mindless . They just carry out orders from their master as best they can . Without knowing its current orders , it 's hard to say what it will do . Shandra is more curious about the treasury and magical defenses than anything else . She has no real need to get in , and thus , is relatively unconcerned . So , she simply has a thoughtful look , and no clear ' ideas ' to voice at the moment . She 'll instead query Dustin about how he knows Renferrel and his desire to gain entry and what his motives are . Does he dislike Renferrel ? If so , why ? " Since you ask , Renferrel means nothing to me personally . That said , just a few days here and I realized the whole town is a living testament to his incompetence and mismanagement . Before tonight , I 'd never met him , but I 've run into friends of his family . He 's a nobody , unfit to rule . " " What worries me is this golem here . Only a very powerful mage or cleric can work the magicks to construct one . Someone in Renferrel 's inner circle is very powerful . " " Now might I suggest we make it back to the party before we 're missed ? I believe the mayor was just about to tell us how to rob him blind under his very nose . " Shandra froze in place , her muscles tensed and ready for flight back up the stairs . She watched the statues closely , but nothing moved . She quickly assessed the situation . Dustin finally stopped looking at the statues and turned back to face Shandra . With a gleam in his eye he answered , " Probably stacks and stacks of cold , hard coin . But the golem is a problem that even your boyfriend would be hard - put to put down . " Dustin nodded . " What did you have in mind ? If we can trick him into divulging the exact command given to the golem , we may be able to find away past without it flattening us . " After a few moments she changed the topic with a new set of questions . " How do you know Renferell ? Why do you want to get into the treasury ? Do you dislike the mayor ? " Dustin seemed a bit taken aback . " Since you ask , Renferell means nothing to me personally . That said , just a few days here and I realized the whole town is a living testament to his incompetence and mismanagement . Before tonight , I 'd never met him , but I 've run into friends of his family . He 's a nobody , unfit to rule . " This golem here worries me though . Only a very powerful mage or cleric can work the magicks to construct one . Someone in Renferell 's inner circle is very powerful . " " True . Now might I suggest we make it back to the party before we 're missed ? I believe the mayor was just about to tell us how to rob him blind under his very nose . " Shandra agreed . Waiting down in the dark wouldn 't help them , especially if they were discovered . So they headed back up the stairs . A glance backward revealed that as they moved away from the statues , the golem eyes went dark again . Along the way the rogue became lost in thought . Where does Renferell get his actual money from , and how is it transported ? Who places it in the treasury ? Probably not the mayor himself . When and how often does that happen ? Who made the golem ? How can I ask Renferell about it without raising suspicions ? Is there something I could give him for ' safe - keeping ' which he would place in the treasury , and how could I take advantage of that ? The voice startled Shandra . Taking in her surroundings , she realized that she had blindly followed Dustin up the stairs and down the hall . They were standing near the kitchen . Turning around she saw Jorn Braithwaite standing with arms folded . Dustin answers dismissively as one might speak to a servant : " No , not lost . This poor girl took violently ill and had to be seen to . But since you 're here , be a good man and point us in the direction of the party . " Dustin didn 't lose a beat in responding , " No , not lost . This poor girl took violently ill and had to be seen to . But since you 're here , be a good man and point us in the direction of the party . " " Of course , " he answered tersely . Then in an official tone he added , " I must ask you to refrain from wandering around the fort without a guide . Please follow me . " The cleric led them back to the party . On entering the room , Shandra immediately noticed that a few of the guests had left . Apparently the party was winding down . Seeing them enter , Renferell rushed up . The reddish color of the mayor 's face faded . " Are you all right ? How are you feeling ? Shall I have your carriage take you home ? Or no , wait , we 'll have Jorn take care of you here . Yes , that 's it ! We have a room you can stay in , obviously . The Braithwaite family has served the Isley family for years , they are quite good - that is to say - excellent clerics ! " Then turning to Dustin , the mayor continued , " Thank you so much for helping Lady Amberly . That is so thoughtful of you ! You are quite the ma , uh , quite the gentleman ! " How will Shandra respond , and what would the group like to do next ? It appears that the party won 't last much longer anyway . There is still time to try to get some information out of Renferell - in fact , you 're pretty sure that he 'd spend time with you two after the other guests have left ( especially Shandra ) . In re - reading your posts for this chapter , I saw that I had neglected Karasu 's interest in dragon lore . During the party Dustin asked about it and learned that there was tradition in town that a red dragon lived in the mountains to the north . It is generally accepted as true , though few people have ever claimed to have seen the dragon . " While the lady here recomposes herself , regale us with stories . The Breathmints . I 'd love to here more about this illustrious , pious family . " Dustin leans in closer to Renferell , " Just how good is this Jorn ? " And Eryx , I hear you , but I haven 't been able to burn anything at the party and certainly not going to use magic in the same room with a golem . If there are any candles in the room , Dustin will play with the little flames as the conversation goes on , but that 's about all he can do for now . Can 't burn Renferel to a cinder with Jorn in the room . Well , I 'm not the DM but I did get the impression that this might not be the last big event that happens in this chapter . Maybe it will be . However , there are other buildings to burn down in the city . ; ) " While the lady here recomposes herself , regale us with stories , " Dustin suggested . " The Breathmints . I 'd love to here more about this illustrious , pious family . " " As I said , the Braithwaites have served the Isley family for years . Ever since the days of my uncle 's grandfather , which is , uh , three or was it four generations of clerics ? I can 't quite - I forget . " About six years ago , Uncle Isley sent Jorn to me . To help the townspeople as well , naturally . I have quite the constitution , you know . My uncle said that Jorn had the family talent , just like his father and brother . " He 's very good . Why , when that horrible assassin tried to kill me - I can 't imagine why - it was Jorn who took care of me . I 'm sure he 'll nurse our Lady Amberly back to health in - oh my ! " While the mayor had been droning on , Shandra decided to fake a faint . The mayor fussed over her , patting her hand in his . Not wanting to give Jorn a chance for a closer inspection , she only waited a moment before opening her eyes . At this point Renferell insisted that she stay overnight . She argued a little bit to play the part before giving in . Once she accepted , she was immediately led to a guest room . Dustin helped out by letting her lean on him , but on arrival at the room Renferell shooed himself and Dustin out . As he exited , the mayor promised to check on her in a while . " Amberlyn here will help you get comfortable . You need your rest . For your own health and safety , please do not leave this room . I will check in on you later . " The maidservant helped Shandra change into a nightgown . The rogue had concealed her dagger and whip under her dress , so she quickly hid the weapons under the bed covers while the girl was distracted . But it had been luck alone that saved her tail from being noticed by the maidservant . That bit of her heritage was usually kept secret by her long cloak , but this lacy white nightgown was not full length . She wondered if Renferell had selected it for her . She sat down on the bed and pulled over a pillow onto her lap . Before leaving , Amberlyn lit a candle and placed it by the bedside . Then she touched a rune on a wall - mounted sconce . All the sconces around the room went dark . I guess not all of the money went into the treasury , Shandra thought as she considered the magical lighting . Shandra is alone now . Things moved quickly after she agreed to stay the night . What will she do next ? Will she try to sneak out while no one is watching ? Will she wait for Renferell or Jorn to return ? Meanwhile , what will Dustin do ? Will he try to hang around ? Will he try to get some time with Renferell ? Or will he just leave with the last of the guests ? Shandra was nervous . It had been luck alone that had saved her from the maid - servant seeing her tail as she had changed into the lacy white nightgown . The nightwear was not full length . Shandra had hastily climbed into the bed in order to conceal herself . Now that Amberlyn had departed , Shandra took a deep breath to calm herself , taking in the pleasant scent of the room . It came from a well - wrought glass vase filled with lavender that rested next to the candle , which continued to burn on her bedside table . She rose from the bed , tapped the magical sconce once for illumination , and paced once around the room in examination . ( How large is this room ? What is it 's proximity to Renferrel 's chambers ? To Jorn 's ? Does it have any chairs or creature comforts ? What are the restroom arrangements ? Is there a desk ? A mirror ? Windows ? Fancy rugs ? A closet ? Are there clothes in the closet ? Is there a robe she can use to cover herself better ? Books or pictures on shelves ? What floor is this room on ? ) Shandra 's mind touched briefly on the treasury , but came to rest on the stern cleric , Jorn . He didn 't like her , that much was obvious . As a cleric , she knew that he had the power to see auras - to detect the rudiments of a person 's nature . In this respect , Shandra was certain that to an extent , she had been unmasked to him . She returned to her bed , pulled back the sheets and climbed in . She took pleasure in the smooth , clean feeling of the luxurious bedding , wiggling her bare toes before returning to her present thought . She pondered deeply , trying to think of a way to outwit the cleric . She had the habit of biting the ends of her hair whenever she contemplated something intensely . She did so now . If Jorn knew her base nature , he must know that she was not being completely honest , and that she wasn 't the innocent person she claimed to be . Given that information , he would be watching her carefully to discover what she was really after , and why she was courting Renferell . Shandra had fooled clerics detection abilities before , but it was deviously difficult work , and she didn 't think appealing to Jorn 's baser instincts would prove effective . No , Jorn was looking for the truth beneath the lie . She decided to give him that . Not the truth exactly , but a glimmer of it that would hopefully throw him off . It was time for a confrontation . Time to show their cards . She leaned her head back , sighing pleasantly as her long reddish - blonde hair cascaded over the fleecy cushion and awaited the cleric 's return . Dustin 's not tired . He 'll offer to pop into the kitchen for a bottle of wine and have a private drink and audience with Renferell . He 'll act his friendliest and most persuasive . Shandra took a deep breath to calm her nerves . The room had a pleasant scent . It came from a well - wrought glass vase filled with lavender that rested next to the candle , which continued to burn on her bedside table . She rose from the bed , tapped the magical sconce once for illumination , and paced once around the room in examination . The room was a decent size and had a dresser topped with a large mirror . A cushy chair sat nearby the bed . Her bare feet were caressed by the soft rug on the floor . She wished there were a window in the room , but the thick fort walls prevented that . But the stone walls were adorned with a few framed pieces of art . She thought about the layout of the fort . She wasn 't sure where Jorn 's chambers were , but Renferell 's room was just down the hall . How long do I have until one of them shows up ? She also wondered about what Dustin Ashe would do now . There hadn 't been time to speak further with him , so they missed the opportunity to formulate the next step in their newfound alliance . Shandra 's mind touched briefly on the treasury , but came to rest on the stern cleric , Jorn . He didn 't like her , that much was obvious . As a cleric , she knew that he had the power to sense people 's auras ; to know whether their natures are good or evil . In this respect , Shandra was certain that to an extent she had been unmasked to him . She touched the magical rune to turn the lights back off . Then she returned to her bed , pulled back the sheets and climbed in . She took pleasure in the smooth , clean feeling of the luxurious bedding , wiggling her bare toes before returning to her present thought . She pondered deeply , trying to think of a way to outwit the cleric . She had the habit of biting the ends of her hair whenever she contemplated something intensely . She did so now . If Jorn knew her base nature , he must know that she was not being completely honest and that she wasn 't the innocent person she claimed to be . Given that information , he would be watching her carefully to discover what she was really after , and why she was courting Renferell . Shandra had fooled clerics ' detection abilities before , but it was deviously difficult work , and she didn 't think appealing to Jorn 's baser instincts would prove effective . No , Jorn is looking for the truth beneath the lie . She decided to give him that - not the truth exactly , but a glimmer of it that would hopefully throw him off . It was time for a confrontation . Time to show their cards . She leaned her head back , sighing pleasantly as her long reddish - blonde hair cascaded over the fleecy cushion and awaited the cleric 's return . Shandra awoke to the sound of the door opening . She cursed as she realized that she had dozed off . But it wasn 't Jorn . Renferell 's face peeked into the room . When Renferell opened the door all the way , Shandra saw Dustin following behind him . They turned on the lights and asked how Lady Amberly was doing . She assured them that she was feeling somewhat better and thanked Renferell again for allowing her to stay . Renferell seemed delighted . He also seemed a little bit inebriated . Dustin explained that he had spent the last hour in private conversation over a fine bottle of wine . " The treasury , yes . I don 't worry about that you know . Uncle Isley sent me a guardian . It 's a statue . No , that 's not right . It 's a goa - , er , goleem ? Something like that . In any case , no one can get past it . Not in once piece ! They 'd be smashed flat as a … flat thing . " The room is about 20 × 15 feet . I didn 't mention it above , but there is a chamberpot under the bed for restroom arrangements . The room is on the ground level of the fort . After Dustin and Shandra were separated , Dustin kept close to the mayor . They said farewell to the other guests , and then Dustin made his suggestion to visit the kitchen for wine and conversation . The mayor seems pretty taken with Dustin . Shandra 's green eyes took on a steely look and her brow furrowed . " I thought a gentleman knocked first . " she said , directing the comment at Dustin . Despite his insensitive barging in , Shandra was impressed with this ' Mr . Ashe ' . She hadn 't thought of being quite so direct , but this might just work out … as long as Jorn didn 't come along at some point . She wondered if he had already gone to bed . She decided to ask Dustin about the cleric as he was on his way out . Dustin 's eyes glanced at Jacob suggestively . She turned her attention to the mayor , speaking in an innocent tone . " Did you come to say goodnight to me before you retired ? That 's so sweet . " Shandra assumed a look of affection , then suddenly seemed to realize that she had interrupted . " I 'm sorry , what were you saying ? You 're golem will smash anyone who tries to get past ? But Jacob … you don 't look like you 've been smashed flat . " I do love the stuff you post , don 't get me wrong . You usually add a lot of detail and emotion that I would have missed or glossed over . I feel bad that in Chapter 7 some of your best posts were not incorporated into the narration because the chapter was written from Asmodeus ' point of view rather than Tyrus ' . But one thing I often miss from your posts is a concise description of what Shandra will do next . Your post above could be summarized as , " Shandra will ask Renferell how he gets past without being smashed flat . If he mentions a passphrase , she 'll ask what it is . She 'll also ask about what is in the treasury . " Additionally , in this particular case , I feel like much of what you wrote above doesn 't mesh with what I already said happened . First of all , she doesn 't really know if they did knock or not because she was asleep . And secondly , the mayor coming to say goodnight really would have been part of the initial checking up on Shandra . To have her mention it now seems anachronistic . This leads me into a related thought : it seems like all of you have a tendency to be very reactive in your posts . You usually react to the immediate situation , but don 't give me any clues to what overall direction you want to go . Reaction is all well and good , but we also need more active responses ; especially with your skills , abilities , magic , and items . But on the other side of the spectrum , sometimes you guys get carried away with your active posts and you go too far ahead . Eryx did this a lot at first ( he 's gotten much better over time ) . But it still happens … like in Ch . 7 when you guys posted about what you 'd do back at camp before you had looted ! That was a bit too far ahead … you didn 't give me a chance to tell you what you 'd find in your searching / looting . " Shandra will try to get the mayor to take them down to the treasury now . " " Shandra will try to whisper to Dustin to meet her at the Blue Drake tomorrow . " " Shandra will try to ask about the passphrase , but she won 't act on the information tonight . " And of course , you can always have a discussion between yourselves . In fact , I 'd recommend it . Some " I think we should try this , what do you think ? " is always good for a campaign . Anyway , I 'm getting down from my rant soapbox now . I still love you all ( platonically , of course ) , the campaign is running well , I 'm excited for your posts , and all that good stuff . I just wanted to get that out there to help direct things a bit . Carry on . You can narrate as much as you want , I am not stopping you . I was actually surprised you didn 't change more on the last post . All your changes were great ! If Karasu wants to edit my post and change anything , that 's just fine . That 's why I keep anything that other characters do as succinct as possible . This is just the way that play by post has to work unless you want each player waiting on one another each time you say something . If Dustin 's ' suggestive glancing ' is so story changing , then maybe we should go back and let Tyrus actually attack Grosh like he would have . That would be silly . We know the characters in this story to a degree and can make guesses about what they would do and say . If that 's not what they would do , fine . Speak up and say something . I love the stuff I post as well . Writing it in story form gets me excited about it . Writing it as ' I do this . ' is boring . If you are somehow missing what Shandra will do next , I thought I was quite concise : " Expecting Jacob to explain about the magical passphrase , she prepared to ask what it was " ie . ' What is the passphrase ? ' " . . . she thought that this might be an opportune time to find out if there was more than gold in the treasury " ie ' Is there anything else in the treasury ? ' I do not see how this is complicated . I merely leave it to you to narrate how she does this . Both actions seem inappropriate to how you would treat a ' lady ' like the supposedly noble character I have created . If she doesn 't answer , then that means she 's asleep and thus , should not be disturbed . Barging in is exactly what they did . Her response was appropriate . However . You are also right . You had already written that " She sat up in the bed , yawned for effect , then answered , ' Yes . Come in , ' in a sleepy tone . " I guess this was my way of saying that she doesn 't like other people walking in on her . You know the character though , so you made guesses as to how she would react , which is fine . So , I can retract that bit . This part , you are totally correct on . I was trying to set tone ( indicating that she is going into bluffing mode ) rather than indicate that she is surprised that he came to check up on her . I can go back and change that . Okay . If I have to spell it out : I am going to wait for Jorn to come back , try and use my Bluff skill to learn more about him and throw him off my trail , get the passphrase out of Renferrel , team up with Dustin , and go check out the treasury once I know that everyone is asleep and the coast is clear . However , this won 't be possible because Dustin has to leave now at Jorn 's behest . My character does not know this though , so I was waiting for his character to tell me rather than just take control of him . Once he tells me he has to leave , then yeah , I will say , ' Okay , let 's meet up later . ' Whipblade , thanks your response . It 's very helpful . Also , I wanted to apologize if my post came off kind of harsh … I didn 't mean it to . But now I feel like I understand your position a little bit better . I 'm glad to know that you aren 't expecting me to keep much ( if any ) narration you write , and that others should be ready to jump in and speak up if they don 't like what you wrote for their characters . You are totally correct in your point that play - by - post will be painfully slow if we stop at every juncture to have long discussions . ( Of course , in that same vein , as the DM I often need to guess what your characters will do and it becomes canon unless you speak up . Sort of a " speak now or forever hold your peace . " ) I want you to be interested and engaged in the story process . I don 't want you to be limited to the boring " I do this , " stuff . In your two examples your narration was fairly clear about what she would immediately ask ( about the passphrase and the contents of the treasury ) , but was not clear ( to me ) about what you wanted to do beyond that . When you spelled it out you gave me some solid information that I would have had to guess from your earlier post , namely that Shandra wants to team up with Dustin and get into the treasury . From your earlier posts I had some inklings that you wanted to head in that direction , but you never overtly said it . I try to avoid making decisions for you guys that will endanger your characters , and none of your posts have been clear enough to tell me that she 'd actually act on the treasury . For all I knew , she was just going to gather information to pass back to the rest of the party when they returned . So I guess I just really need you ( and the rest of the players ; not trying to single you out or anything ) to include an explicit statement of the characters ' next moves . Please feel free to add whatever narration you want - I love getting it . Just please add the overt statement in addition . That should also help the other characters realize what you want them to do . If we were playing this at a table then you 'd have lots of back - and - forth conversation between players ( not just between characters ) and I want to preserve that in this campaign . Ah . Gotcha . I follow what you mean . Okay . In that case , I will just leave some quick bullet points at the end of each of my posts that are straight forward and try to broadcast where I am going a little better . " Jacob , my man , I won 't be needing a carriage . I 've got my horse tied up just outside the fort and she 's a jealous one . Unfortunately , I fear I 've overdone it with the wine and couldn 't ride in a straight line if I tried . Might I impose upon your generosity once again and ask for accommodations for the night ? " The fact of the matter is that Dustin has purposely not had much wine , but he 's faking a drunken swagger . Hopefully , he 'll bluff his way into securing a bedroom for himself , then , as Whipblade suggests , he can sneak out when the fort is asleep , team up with Shandra , and make their way back to the treasury . In the next few moments , he 'll try to wrestle the golem 's passphrase out of Renferrel or some information about the golem that might be of use . A direct " What 's the passphrase ? " might just work on the inebriated Renferrel so we 'll try that . In spite of the surprise , her look immediately softened in light of the present situation . Shandra was impressed with this ' Mr . Ashe ' . She hadn 't thought of being quite so direct , but this might just work out … as long as Jorn didn 't come along at some point . She wondered if he had already gone to bed . She decided to ask Dustin about the cleric as he was on his way out . Dustin 's eyes glanced at Jacob suggestively . She turned her attention to the mayor , speaking in an innocent tone . " Jacob . Dustin . I almost thought you weren 't going to come visit me and began to drift off . " " Sorry to barge in here , m ' lady , " Dustin apologizes . " I believe Jake here and I had too much to drink and it wears on our good manners . " Shandra assumed a look of affection toward Jacob , then suddenly seemed to realize that she had interrupted . " I 'm sorry , what were you saying ? Your golem will smash anyone who tries to get past ? But Jacob … you don 't look like you 've been smashed flat . " Expecting Jacob to explain about the magical passphrase , she prepared to ask what it was . Additionally , she thought that this might be an opportune time to find out if there was more than gold in the treasury . - Shandra will try to coax the passphrase out of Jacob . I feel I should remind everybody that Dustin does have a lizard familiar , which may prove useful when trying to avoid detection and for looking out for folks like Jorn . I know that I 've forgotten character creation details like that . ( Gaimon 's dog comes specifically to mind . ) The mayor smiled at hearing his name from her lips . Then he looked down at himself briefly before answering , " No . I suppose not . " An awkward silence followed . " Treasure , of course ! " he said with a giggle . " That 's why they call it treasure , er , a treasury . Gold , and um , gems , artwork . All that kind of , uh , sort of thing . Lots of it . Jorn takes it past the gol - statue . " The mayor was quickly succumbing to his weariness . His speech was getting more and more slurred , and he had taken to the chair next to the bed . Shandra considered the situation and decided she couldn 't pass up the opportunity . She moved over to the side of the bed , leaned in very close to Renferell and asked in a soft , pleasing tone , " Jacob , will you tell me the secret word ? " " So … you need the name of a mother . His mother ? " Shandra pondered aloud . " I wish I knew it . He 's talked enough about her coming to town in a few days . " Dustin smiled broadly . " His mother 's name is Elizabeth Isley . And I do believe you 're on the right track . Now , if I can just convince them to let me stay the night , then we could investigate while our hosts are asleep . " " I see the mayor is ready for bed , " he said with a heavy sigh . Then in a matter - of - fact tone he continued , " Mr . Ashe . I 'll have to ask you to leave now . If you 'll just follow James here - " " Actually , " Dustin interrupted , " The good mayor has allowed me to impose on his generosity once again . Unfortunately , I fear I 've overdone it with the wine and couldn 't ride in a straight line if I tried . Seeing this , Renferell graciously offered me a room for the night . " Jorn looked deflated . Shandra realized he had completely bought the lie , no doubt assuming the mayor would have freely made such an offer . It does sound like something he 'd do , after all . He rolled his eyes and said , " Very well . " Jorn closed the door behind the servant , leaving himself alone with Shandra . " Well , Lady Amberly , you seem to be doing better . Are you feeling quite well ? " " Lady Amberly … I have been meaning to ask you what your intentions are regarding Mayor Renferell . Why are you so interested in him ? Do not labor under the assumption that I am as ignorant as he in these matters . I know that the poor devil has but his money to attract women , and even then … " Besides that , I have other powers in my arsenal . " Here he turned back to Shandra and looked her right in the eyes . " I can sense the aura of evil in you . Frankly , I do not trust you one bit . Your wiles may have lulled the mayor into a false sense of security , but not I ! Meanwhile , Dustin has been led to a room . He feels confident that he can make his way back to Shandra 's room when the time is right . I assume that once everyone is asleep and the coast is clear he 'll try to meet up with Shandra and head down to the treasury . Dustin may be a little too headstrong and impatient , for he sits down on his bed for no more than ten minutes before getting restless . He pulls his lizard familiar from an inner pocket in his shirt . The lizard 's tongue flicks restlessly . He opens the door as quietly as he can , and traces the steps back to Lady Amberly 's room . If caught , he 'll say he refuses to use the bedpan provided . He stops just short of the hallway where Shandra 's room is , then waits till Jorn leaves . He then creeps into her room just as quietly as he exited his own . Shandra took a deep breath . She hadn 't expected Jorn to be so direct . She had prepared a few different partial truths to tell him , but none of them would be a match for this line of questioning . There was only one thing left for her to do , and it was risky . " All I want … all I want is a place to belong , " she began in the most pitiful tone she could muster . " A place where I could live a normal life . My kind are persecuted and hunted . I thought that maybe here in this remote little town I could find some peace . " The aura of evil you sense is from my unfortunate heritage . I … I 'm trying to be good despite my nature . You see … I 'm a Tiefling . " Jorn was flabbergasted . He stood there with mouth agape for a long moment as he stammered trying to find something to say . Shandra could see indecision in his eyes . I 've played my ace . Now let 's see his hand . He knows his master likes me and that just might tip the scales here . Finally Jorn relaxed and spoke . " I 'm sorry . I never would have guessed … I have misjudged you . Please excuse me . " The cleric turned round and left the room , closing the door behind him . Shandra fell back into the bed with a heavy sigh . Jorn was hard to read , but the revelation had shocked him . She had feared for a moment that he would attack her on the spot . She had concealed weapons , but no armor . Seems like luck is on my side tonight , she thought . Her thoughts turned to the next step . What would Jorn do now that he knew she was a Tiefling ? Would he tell Renferell ? The stakes had been raised in this dangerous game . Shandra hoped that Tyrus would return soon . " What are you doing here already ? " she demanded in a hushed tone . " It hasn 't been an hour ! Jorn was just here - he would have seen you ! " Dustin just grinned . " I guess I 'm just a little impatient . I did see Jorn come out of our room , but he didn 't turn around to see me behind him . He looked terribly pale … what did you say to him ? " " Don 't want to say , eh ? That 's fine . Aside from Jorn , I think everyone else has gone to sleep . The fort is quiet as a tomb . " Shandra forced Dustin to watch at the door while she changed back into her dress . It wasn 't the ideal outfit , but it was better than the stupid nightgown . Once ready they dowsed the lights and crept down the corridors . Although unsettling , Dustin 's analogy had been accurate . The fort was extremely silent and dark . The usual hustling and bustling sounds from the kitchen were absent as they passed the darkened door . A few moments later , they entered the small antechamber above the treasury . Without torchlight from the hallway , Shandra couldn 't see the stairwell , but she knew it was just across the darkened room . Karasu , the decisions about this treasury are up to you alone now . What will you do ? You can probably make your way down the stairs without any light , but eventually you 'll need light to see the treasure ( if not the golem ) . " Wait ! I can 't see ! " Shandra protested , but his soft footsteps on the did not halt . The rogue sighed and carefully pursued . Without any light , the staircase seemed longer than before . " Oof , " Dustin exclaimed . " I guess this is the bottom , so watch out . " Shandra was disappointed that he didn 't stop . Is he crazy ? Does he really intend to try to get past that Golem without any light ? ! Shandra felt for the last stair and found herself at the bottom . She stepped out away from the guiding walls into the room . A pair of glowing eyes lit up at the far end of the hallway . Dustin continued toward it . Shandra followed leaving ample space behind her . She kept her arms out , feeling for statues . The eyes began to move . Light tremors vibrated the floor . Shandra took a half step back , ready to run . But the eyes turned and the golem soon stopped moving . Shandra wasn 't sure if she also needed to speak the passphrase , but she did just to be safe . The golems eyes continued to glow as she approached . Ahead Dustin was scuffling against the door . A clang of a metal latch was heard , along with a chuckle from that reckless man . " You know , I would have preferred a little light , " Shandra said coyly . " I wish I had Tyrus ' Darkvision cloak with me . I can 't see a thing in here . " Dustin will take a single coin from his pocket and cast Light on it . ( He wants something small in case he needs to quickly douse the light without interrupting the spell . ) He 'll take a good look around . Knowing that Shandra is somewhat of a deceiving rogue , he 'll ask her to check for any additional traps . Shandra suspected he was referring to romantic encounters rather than thievery . She heard a slight rustle from him and then the soft chanting of a spell . A light shone forth from his hand causing Shandra to shield her eyes . After a moment Shandra was able to see . Dustin was holding up a single coin upon which he had cast a Light spell . They were standing in a small hallway which opened up into a large room . Shandra couldn 't see anyone with her quick glance around , but it was immediately apparent that this was indeed the treasury . She nodded then carefully examined the floor and walls . Slowly she crept forward , but no traps could be found . Soon she decided that the area was safe . For the next few minutes they examined the treasure strewn about the room . There were large piles of coins overflowing from leather sacks . Most were Validran , but some bore the symbols of other nations . Gold and silver bars were stacked up on shelves along one wall . Several framed paintings hung on the walls . Statuettes and miscellaneous art objects were surrounded by gems atop a large stone dais . Bolts of fine textiles were propped up in a corner . Various other items were scattered about the room . " Somehow I doubt that these ever entered circulation , despite his ' impressive ' claim to nobility , " Dustin said . " But he 's sure got ambition to be like his uncle . See ; here are some of Lord Isley . He 's been honored by the King more than once , I believe . " " Why do you suppose these paintings are hung down here instead of being displayed prominently upstairs ? Look , these three all have ' Uncle Bernard ' in them . There are different women in each though , maybe that 's why . " Dustin walked up to inspect the paintings . As he drew close he halted rigidly and dropped his shining coin in surprise . He stared for a moment at the picture of a woman with exotic features . What will you do now ? There are no apparent exits other than the door you came in from . If you plan to partake of the riches , remember that neither of you have your packs . Dustin 's pockets ( and perhaps belt pouches or the like ) are all that you have by way of containers . Shandra 's dress has no way of concealing any loot . Dustin intends to come back with larger pockets and a few spare hands . He might be able to make off with a little gold tonight , but to really take Jake for all he 's worth , it 's going to have to be a different time . He 's friends with the mayor , in cahoots with the mayor 's love interest , and knows the golem password . No , he leaves everything exactly as he found it . Before he leaves , he takes one last longing look around the room , simultaneously casting Detect Magic to determine what is of less obvious value . Shandra was curious at this reaction , but decided not to ask about it . He doesn 't seem to enjoy personal , probing questions , she thought . Instead she continued examining the room while Dustin stooped down to pick up the coin . " As if you cared ! " Shandra said , throwing up her hands . Then she let out a long sigh . " I guess you 're right though . This dress doesn 't exactly conceal much . I don 't see how we 'd take even part of this stuff , and we 'd risk being caught . " " Once Tyrus and the others return , we can tell them what we 've found . I hope they get back before Renferell 's mother arrives though … I 'm sure they 'd want to kidn - " Shandra stopped short , worried that she might have revealed too much . It was a little too easy to trust Dustin . Perhaps his charms were not completely lost on her . I need him now , but who knows how far he 'll be willing to go against Renferell and Valadras . Better play it safe for now . Dustin looked at her with a cocked eyebrow , then shrugged slightly . He took a long look around the room , muttering something under his breath . Then he turned to the door . They exited with care , repeating the password to the golem for safety . It moved back into its previous position once they had passed and it 's eyes went dark after they passed the statues . On reaching the stairs , Dustin doused the light of his coin and the two ascended in darkness . The rogue silently changed her clothes once again and slipped into the bed . She reflected on how interesting and productive the evening had been . She had found a new ally , discovered how to enter the treasury , and was closer now to Renferell than ever . Tired from the events of the evening , she fell asleep . Shandra 's sleep was interrupted once more ; this time as strong arms grabbed at her ! A hand covered her mouth to muffle any scream she might make . The room was still dark so she couldn 't see her attackers . She struggled briefly , but found she was completely at their mercy . As the magical sconces were lit , Shandra found four cloaked figures were holding her down . A fifth was at the foot of the bed . Her mind raced over her possibilities . Her earrings of Suggestion wouldn 't work on the entire group . She still had her ring for now , but no chance to use it at the moment . She 'd have to wait for an opportunity . Who are these people ? What 's going on ? " If you struggle , we 'll have to kill you , " the woman instructed . " You 're not worth as much dead as alive , but I 'd prefer less money and no trouble . Understand ? " They didn 't give Shandra a chance to respond . She was forcibly pulled out of the bed and bound with rope . A gag was put in her mouth . Then the figures relaxed a bit and pulled away from the bed . As they moved away Shandra caught sight of Jorn standing at the door . The cleric saw her looking at him . He turned his head away and said , " The mayor will be depressed when you 're gone . But it 's for his own good . " |
Last evening I thought for a minute that I was actually going to have a little nap in my recliner . The house was quiet . I felt myself fading so I grabbed a blanket , took off my glasses and snuggled down . For some reason Bode had to stop chewing and watch my napping attempts . He just kept staring at me with his toy in his mouth . I felt I had no choice but to reach for the camera . He 's just such a dopey dog ! OK , I admit it . He is also very , very lovable . at I ended my post yesterday trying to lead you into thinking about how you should define yourself by good memories , quit holding on to ( treasuring ) bad memories . So , I started trying to sort out exactly how I define who I am . Here are my top three : Ok , that 's not news . I tried then to think of memories linked to that statement . One of those memories was from before I started school . We lived in Commerce City , Colorado . I remember waiting out in our car , ready to head for church . I had a pen . I had a Bible . I wrote my name in the front of that Bible . That is a pretty defining memory , I think . I spent quite a bit of time looking for that old Bible . I really think I still have it somewhere but maybe not . I do have two of my old childhood Bibles , though . This first one was given to me by my Dad in 1968 . It had been his and I think he gave it to me when I was baptized . I was 10 years old . A lot of things seemed more simple then . He had written notes in it and later , so did I . There are two $ 1 bills tucked in the front . I have no idea why but I would guess I forgot to put them in a Sunday School offering the last time I used the Bible . I think I should put them in the offering plate now , don 't you ? This second Bible was given to me by my parents on June 12 , 1971 . I don 't know why or for what occasion . As far as I know they just thought I needed a new Bible . Well , look at the one in the above photo . You can only ask just so much of masking tape , I suppose . Anyway , I loved that little Bible . I was easy to pack around and really , it was flat out cute . That 's important in a Bible when you are 13 years old . Again , not news if you 've read my blog at all . We aren 't perfect but we love each other . I have roles as a sister , daughter , wife , mother , and now grandmother . I am also an aunt , daughter and sister - in - law , etc . You get the picture . The first time I moved away from home I went to Moorhead , MN . I worked as a real estate secretary and one day at work I realized it was the first time in my life that the people I spent the most time with did not even know my family . My boss and co - workers did not know my family . Even my roommate never met my family . It was such a weird feeling to me . How could these people ever really know me without knowing my family ? It was a new experience to see myself as separate from my family in such an ongoing way . I didn 't really like that . I haven 't always been a nurse and someday I will retire from nursing . I will still be me . However , even if it is not professionally , I think I strongly define myself with my need to feel like I am helpful and caring in some way . My earliest childhood memories of this part of my character revolve around my little sister , Tina . You can get to know Tina here . My sister has cerebral palsy and her handicap likely has something to do with why I became a nurse in the first place . When we were young and I walked anywhere with her , I learned to grab a wad of the shirt / dress / coat on her back . This was to help stop her from falling if she tripped . As her older sister , that need to nurture and care for her was pretty strong when we were little . Tina did fall a lot as a little kid . I seemed to think it was my job , when she fell and cut her head , to run get a damp cloth . Mom would press and hold the wound , which in itself is pretty amazing if you know Mom . She has a little problem with blood . In fact , even as she is reading my post here , she 's probably getting woozy , right , Mom ? Two of my friends are leading a Bible Study at our church . It is a short ( 6 week ) course . I purchased the book and said I would be a part of the class but knew I would miss the first class as it began the week we were in Arizona . Well , it turned out the second class was on an evening when I had a another meeting . The third week ? I got sick and couldn 't go . Beth Moore has a way of looking at scripture , pointing out things that I maybe would have read over without much thought . Reading from Deuteronomy 26 she was pointing out one such event . Oh , I forgot to explain that we watch a video of Beth Moore going over the lesson for probably the first hour of class . OK , so she was pointing out how the Israelites would recite the story of their Jewish history , particularly their escape from slavery . She said it may have been their most treasured memory . Beth Moore asked the question , " What is your most treasured memory ? " I started pondering all the possibilities . The birth of our children came to mind . Maybe it was a special time with Mike . Perhaps my most treasured memory is a childhood memory with my Mom . A story of slavery and a scary escape would not necessarily be a happy memory . Beth pointed out that our most treasured memory may not be a happy memory either . Her thought is that your most treasury memory is the one you cling to , the one that defines who you are in this life . She said it may be a very horrible thing but you are treasuring it if you cling to that memory and give a lot of energy to it . I don 't think I exactly have something like that , but I maybe once did . I thought of something that really hurt me . I had someone who should have protected my childhood but tarnished that role . I had quite a few years in my life where I kept the hurt from my disappointment in my treasure box . I thought about it all the time . I took it out during quiet moments and cried over it . When I wanted to feel sorry for myself that memory became the tool I used to open up wounds . In a perverse way , I was treasuring it . I won 't be sharing much more about that . Don 't worry about me . I have shared it with plenty of people . Mike helped me a lot through those years . I no longer feel wounded by it and I don 't have a need to talk about it on my blog . I only bring it up now , because maybe someone reading this blog knows what that is like . Maybe someone else is now realizing they 've been treasuring something unworthy of that kind of dedication . I guess I just want to encourage you to let it go . If you can 't do it on your own , please seek assistance . I 'm not a professional in such matters but maybe the first thing is to simply limit the amount of time you spend thinking about that which hurts you . Put that treasured memory up and take some of your lovely memories down from the shelf . Define yourself by the worthy memories , rather than the unworthy . at I just had the best day yesterday . I got to sing with our Worship Team , sit with two beautiful granddaughters at church , enjoyed a potluck with friends after church . I love potlucks ! It 's not really just the food , though . I love that time of fellowship with church friends . People seemed to linger longer today . It was just good to be together . After the potluck I went directly to meet one of my favorite collection of women for a fun get - together . We are a group who all used to work together caring for cancer patients . We no longer all work together but our friendship has been sustained . It is not always easy to find a group of women who work together as well as did the five of us . Circumstances kept that from being a permanent situation but we remain grateful for the years it did last . I 'm so happy that we have maintained our friendship . I always feel happy after time with these beautiful ladies ! That wasn 't the end of it , though . Our daughter and her family arrived moments after I got home . We have developed a tradition of getting together on most Sunday nights for dinner . Ten years from now we likely won 't be able to distinguish memories of one Sunday night from another , but we are accumulating a host of blended memories . I love it ! How weird ! It is after 9 : 00 a . m . and I just remembered I am a daily blogger . I hope that lapse doesn 't happen again , but it likely will . This morning I was awakened to Mike 's announcement that our furnace wasn 't working . It still isn 't , but help is on the way . Luckily , we are having unseasonably warm weather so long sleeves with an added sweater is working for the moment . I know there are others with furnace problems and below - freezing temperatures ( Hi , Pam ! ) so I 'd better not complain too much . While it is annoying to have our furnace not working , it made me think of how nice I have it . Our home is not fancy but it is more than adequate for our needs . While there are people living 10 to a room , I now have an entire room dedicated to sewing / crocheting / jewelry - making / whatever - strikes - my - fancy - making . While there are millions hauling water for their everyday needs , I just turn on a faucet and that life - sustaining liquid flows freely . While some are scavenging for anything at all to eat , I 'm trying to decide what appeals to me from the many options in my kitchen . The inequality of all that is rather disturbing , isn 't it ? I 've done nothing to deserve having better living conditions than so many others . I pray that my eyes will be opened to better ways to help those in need . Anyway , those are kind of solemn thoughts for a Saturday morning I suppose . I will leave you with these photos from our Arizona trip . I am thinking that hole is where a bird lives . It looks rather hostile but perhaps the inside of a cactus is a splendid place for a home . I suppose the Wyoming birds who are trying to keep a nest in a tree during 60 mph winds would love to have such a place to hide away . Well , mother nature had another plan . We had horrible winds so shooting outside became a bad idea . Well , no problem . We managed . Maria was a great sport , very patient with me and my camera . I shot a great deal of photographs with a big smear on my lens so many of my photos had to be thrown out . I was able to save some , though . Isn 't she beautiful ? Thanks . I grew her myself . In between taking photos of Maria , while she was changing , I entertained myself taking photos of the little girls as well . Of course , I will share them with you . . . My Mom told me it is time for more pictures of the little girls . I 've always minded my mother ! The first one was just taken during one of our Sunday evening dinners together . I do not know what was so fascinating with Cordelia 's hand . I just thought she looked rather adorable in her hat . Saturday I said I would take Cordelia swimming . The first photo was just her cute little self being all anticipatory and happy . She was so delighted to be going swimming with me . Elise is smiles most of the time now . . . . AND she says " Momma " when reaching for Maria ! Yep , and she is only 6 months old . That girl must have a lot of things she is getting ready to tell us ! I am feeling pretty good about myself this month . You see , I HATE to make appointments , medical or otherwise . I don 't know why but I hate making the phone calls almost more than going to the appointments . I decided , though , that this month I was going to get all my maintenance work done before I turned " double nickels " as Sam calls it . For my day off last week I had my teeth cleaned and got a great report from my dentist . That same morning I went for my yearly physical and later in the day I even went to the DMV to renew my driver 's license . Getting those three things done in one day was pretty awesome . I felt very self - righteous . Yesterday , for my day off , I went to the eye doctor , got my mammogram done and threw in an ultrasound of my gallbladder just for good times . I only took photos from the vision center . You understand . I snapped this photo before the doctor walked in . I think I would have been mortified had he caught me ! Since I started blogging I 've become pretty weird about pictures . Everything now needs photographed just in case I need to blog about it later . Anyway , all that was done by 11 : 00 a . m . ! After a delightful mall lunch with Mike , Sam , Maria , Elise and Cordelia I went back to the eye doctor 's office to pick out new glasses . Mike came along , which he has never done before . That was interesting . . . in a good way , actually . You see , he 's still the person I want most to like how I look . On the way there I thought to myself that I 'd try to go with his choice , no matter what . Now , ladies , don 't panic . He was kidding . Actually , they don 't look so bad in the photo , do they ? In real life they made me look a bit like a bug . Luckily , though , we seemed to like pretty much the same glasses so it wasn 't all that hard . The pair we chose did not have a price tag on them but I didn 't think they were the expensive ones . I was wrong . It turns out we have expensive taste . If you know me , though , you know I am frugal in such things . Extreme frugality and expensive taste is a sad mixture of attributes . Well , you will be glad to know that Mike encouraged me to go with the expensive ones so I could feel good in them . Had he not been there , I 'd have just brought in some Walmart sunglasses and asked them to pop out the dark lenses and put my corrective lenses in them . Not really . . . that of course never crossed my mind . . . ok , it did . . . but do you think that could work ? M a y b e n e x t t i m e . . . So , I did take a photo of the chosen glasses before I left . Of course they won 't arrive for a week or so . They are really just an ordinary basic black as that blended with my hair better . Apparently it was the shape of them that we liked , and it must have been the shape of them that cost extra . What will I remember about the day ? I will remember my sweet man encouraging me to spend a little extra money on myself for no other reason than to feel good about how I look . That leaves me all warm and happy inside . I woke up shortly after midnight yesterday morning . I knew right away that something was wrong . I am not too shy to tell you all about how I got sick ( stomach bug ) but I realize some people may not want all the yucky details so I will spare you . By 5 : 00 a . m . I knew I had to call in sick for work . I HATE to do that but I could not have gone to work in my condition . In fact , I spent the entire day in bed ! It wasn 't all bad . I watched enough of Wild at Heart to need a break from it . Have you heard of it ? Wild at Heart is a British TV show that apparently ran for 7 seasons . It is about a veterinarian who moved from London to Africa with his family . It 's a pleasant show to watch . I am loving the African scenery and the African animals as it was all filmed on location at an animal reserve there . It is really stunning ! I almost feel as though I 've traveled there now . I enjoy Netflix . I find it is fun to pick a TV show and watch it for sometimes a couple of months straight . Yesterday , though , I got through an entire season ! Admittedly I fell asleep through some of it but it was easy to back it up to pick up where I dozed off . Do any of you watch Netflix or any of those types of services much ? What shows would you recommend ? Do you feel sad when you finish a series ? I sometimes do . at Do you all have a Pinterest Account ? If you do , follow Only the Manager ( me ) if you 'd like . I 'm finding I really enjoy peeking in on Pinterest more than I thought I would . There are such cool ideas there ! It 's funny , really . Pinterest uses modern technology and concepts that would not have ever crossed my mind before . Yet , the more I see on it , the more I long for simpler days . I want to try every cool Do It Yourself project I see ! And the recipes . . . there are some really wonderful ideas ! I think maybe I could even be a reasonably good cook if I just had the time to try out some of those delicious recipes . I 'm also finding lots and lots of crocheting ideas that I wish to do . If only I had more time ! This week - end , though , I did try out one of the simpler recipes I saw on Pinterest . I made cinnamon rolls on our little waffle maker . I 'm not kidding ! It was tasty AND easy . . . just my kind of recipe . It was so delightful I decided I needed to share the joy with my readers . To start I bought a tube of pre - made cinnamon rolls . I sprayed my waffle iron with an oil spray and heated it up . I chose caramel rolls but any would be yummy . Now , the thing is , I make really good cinnamon rolls the old fashioned way . Someday I will share that recipe as well . This way , however , is pretty wonderful when you are in a hurry and not feeding too many people at once . It tastes even better than it looks ! I do believe I 've mentioned how our yard catches everything the wind blows around our neighborhood . Our street is long and our house is situated where the road bends . Add to that the fact that THE WIND IS ALWAYS BLOWING IN WYOMING and the result is , our yard is kind of a collection area . Remember when I told you we bagged up over 60 bags of leaves this Fall ? Most people in the neighborhood just had a few bags sitting on the curb the day the city collected them . It was a bit embarrassing , really . Do you remember the week we found a crutch in our front yard ? Could the wind be strong enough to do that ? The answer is YES ! The gusts that week were up to 90 mph ! This week we received boxes in our yard . They were empty . Either someone told everybody that we were going to do the cardboard recycling for everyone or the Wyoming Wind has been leaving treats for us once again . Apparently someone in our neighborhood got a new table . Someone else must have received a new red wagon , maybe for Christmas ? The weirdest thing I found in our yard remains a bit mysterious . I thought I had already written a post about this but when I looked for it this morning I couldn 't find it . So , sorry if I am repeating myself . Some time back I found this driver 's license . It just suddenly appeared in my flowers one day . It is pretty old as it was to expire in 2007 . It was a provisional license as the young lady was underage at the time . She would now be 26 years old . The weirdest part was that it is a California license . Why would that show up in our yard years later ? Sisters Our granddaughter , Elise , is 6 months old now . She is delighted to get more involved in play with her big sister , Cordelia . Cordelia is also thrilled that Elise can do a bit more with her now . She has been planning all the fun they can have together ! The other day Cordelia wanted me to tell her a story about three little girls . She wanted the little girls to be named Cordelia , Sadie ( Cordy 's best friend ) and Elise . I thought it was sweet that she included Elise . Last time the girls were at our house Mike was showing Cordelia how to ride in a boat ( box ) around the kitchen floor . Cordy quickly requested that her sister ride along . Finally , Elise is big enough to be included in such play ! My photos did not turn out that great but they do give you a sense of the bond of love these little sisters already share . We did not randomly choose to visit Arizona . We all met there so that we could not only see Ben and Sara but so that we could see Mike 's Mom , Carol . She cheerfully hosted our whole family . We were really grateful to all have the chance to gather there . I know it would be appropriate to send her a thank - you card but it is a new age and I am bad at sending cards . So , thank - you , Carol ! We appreciate you ! Carol 's middle name is Ione . I probably shouldn 't tell you that as she once told me she wasn 't crazy about her middle name . However , I think she likes her middle name now , because she shares it with her beautiful baby great - granddaughter , Elise Ione . I want to say something to my little sister , Tina . . . I 'm getting a lot better at cake - decorating , aren 't I ( wink , wink ) ? OK , . . . |
In the mid - ' 60s , I was a student in Montreal . One year , my schedule made it impossible for me to leave for home before December 24 so there I was , deciding whether I should spend much of Christmas in a little room in residence or whether I should spend it on the train . I decided in favour of the train . I was very familiar with Montreal 's Central Station and always looked forward to the atmosphere there in the few days leading up to Christmas . There would always be a big raucous crowd at the far end of the station . Mostly everyone would be carrying shopping bags filled with wrapped gifts ; there would usually be a couple of people with guitars and there 'd be lots of excited children . When that big white - on - black sign was rolled into place listing the destinations - Trois Rivières , Québec City , Montmagny , Rivière du Loup , Rimouski , Mont Joli , Campbellton , Bathurst , Newcastle , Moncton , Amherst , Truro , Halifax and Sydney - there was a cheer and a good - natured crush as we all prepared to go down the stairs and board the Ocean Limited . These were eastern Quebecers and Maritimers going home for Christmas . It wasn 't like that on that Christmas Eve . The station was dim and quiet , the way airports are late at night . There was a straggling handful of us waiting to board ; we were subdued and cheerless . It was late evening when we got on the train but even still , most of us gravitated toward the club car and soon began to talk . We exchanged stories of who we were , where we were going , why we were travelling on Christmas Eve . Some people were in my situation - they had worked up until that afternoon . One young couple had planned to stay in Montreal for Christmas and had decided at the last minute that they couldn 't bear not being home . When we congregated in the morning - a sunny Christmas morning - in CN 's dining car , we were already rolling through the impossibly white snowy Québec countryside along the St . Lawrence River . It was then that we began to lose some of our crowd and we established an instant tradition : at each station , as someone was leaving the train , all the rest of us would gather around the door to wave to the family on the platform and to sing a rousing chorus or two of " We Wish You A Merry Christmas . " We just kept waving and singing until the train pulled out . By mid - afternoon , our numbers had dwindled and as we approached the broad sweep of the Miramichi River valley , I began gathering my stuff together to be the next one to go . At the Newcastle station , I was waved and sung off the train by fewer people than there 'd been earlier but with no less enthusiasm . My mother and father and I stood on the platform watching the train out of sight as it continued on toward Moncton . There was one more surprise . Although both towns had the quiet empty streets and the unmistakeable atmosphere of Christmas Day , in our own house , the calendar had been set back . They didn 't want me to miss the special feeling of Christmas eve so the presents remained wrapped under the tree , the mince pies were on the counter ready to be baked , and the turkey was still in the bottom of the fridge , ready to be roasted with all its trimmings on Boxing Day . When I 'd left Montreal the night before , I had resigned myself to having no Christmas at all . I ended up having two Christmases - which turned out to be much more satisfactory . ( This piece was written and published a number of years ago . When the late Peter Gzowski was hosting Morningside on CBC Radio , he asked listeners to send him something about Christmas for his Christmas Eve program . I sent this and he read it to end his program that day . Years later , I read it myself on Christmas Eve , on the CBC Radio Mainstreet program that covered the Maritimes . I was hoping to give you a link to hear me reading it but I couldn 't find it so I 'm afraid you 'll have to read it yourself . I hope you enjoy it and I wish you all the best of the Christmas season . ) I made it into a little joke but it 's well - known that Christmas is a hard time for many people and in many households , there 's no shortage of anger . It can bring out the worst in families . If it 's a hard time for you , I hope there will be some redeeming factors and some part of it for you to enjoy . I have a nostalgic fantasy about pre - Christmas activities . The baking and decorating and shopping are all very well but I also always insist on Christmas music and theatre performances , usually in the week before Christmas . Back in September , when Christmas is still a twinkle in our eyes , I make sure plans are in place and tickets are acquired . Otherwise , you can be pretty sure it would get shuffled off as we 'd find other more essential things to do . As we 're in Halifax , it 's not always like this . It 's sometimes raining and we get let out at the theatre door and rush in with plastic rain gear dripping . Once in the lobby though , the scene is the way I like it : small excited children , little girls in velvet dresses , little boys in white shirts and sweater vests , Mum and Dad glad to be out of the house and enjoying the little ones ' fascination with it all . Last weekend , we went to Neptune Theatre to see A Year with Frog and Toad . It 's a musical written by brothers Robert and Willie Reale , based on the Frog and Toad children 's stories written and illustrated by Arnold Lobel . It had a successful run off - Broadway and a short run on Broadway . We had the children 's books when William was little . Because he 's a good sport , William came with us . I told him it is , after all , a Christmas family tradition to go to the theatre at Christmas . We had a good time - the show was light and frothy ; it had some catchy tunes and cute situations and it was fun watching and listening as the little kids enjoyed their first experience with live theatre . Last year , we had tickets for Messiah . We don 't go every year but we do try to go every two or three years . When the day came last year , I had been in bed for several days with some kind of elusive virus . I gamely got out of bed and thought I might make it but I couldn 't do it . I went back to bed and Dan traded in our tickets for another show . ( We went to see David Myles in concert with Symphony NS in February ! ) I had spent a couple of days in bed this past week with what seems to be my traditional pre - Christmas elusive virus - no describable symptoms but just generally feeling rotten . I had no intentions of missing Messiah again though . Our tickets were for last night and I fixed myself up in my Christmas finery and off we went . It will , without doubt , count as one of the highlights of Christmas 2015 . I 'll now check traditional - family - Christmas - theatrical - experience off my list and get back to the reality of cranberries and mincemeat . Both are essential ! One day in the late Fall of 2011 , I reached into the lower cupboard , next to the sink , to pull something out . In the process , I knocked the cast - iron frying pan off the upper shelf and it crashed down to the next level . I heard a discouraging sound and my heart sank . When I inspected the damage , I found the upper part - the insert - of my Pyrex double boiler was broken . I felt so bad . I used my double boiler but also , it had been given to me by my mother way back when I was in one of my early apartments . I was quite sentimentally attached to it . One of the first things I remember using it for was to make the pastry cream to fill my very first batch of cream puffs . Yes , I made the pâte à choux also and it turned out perfectly . The puffs looked like this : I also used it to make a lovely cooked salad dressing that my mother used to make . She called it " mayonnaise " but it wasn 't the classic mayo that 's made from egg yolks , lemon juice , vinegar and oil added in a thin stream while you whisk until it thickens . Mum 's " mayonnaise " had both vinegar and sugar and has a lovely tart / sweet taste that 's very good in a potato salad . Congratulations , the item is yours ! Hi Dan , Congratulations on winning this item ! The next step is to pay the seller . Check out and pay with PayPal to get your item as soon as possible . Vintage TOP POT ONLY of PYREX Flameware 1 1 / 2 Qt Double Boiler # 6283 - U Sale price : US $ 19 . 99 Estimated delivery : Varies Shipping & Handling : USPS Parcel Post 0 Seller : acjake423 [ contact seller ] Seller Information : Gail Nargiso West Milford , NJ 07480 United States It didn 't take long to arrive and it was a perfect fit . I couldn 't tell the difference from the piece that had broken and , once again , I marvelled at the world we live in . Internet , eBay , PayPal , UPS two - day - delivery - makes my head spin . I felt grateful and I decided to write to Gail in West Milford NJ to tell her it had arrived and to explain the circumstances around my search . I told her it was a gift from my late mother and how much of what I cooked in it was what she used to cook in it . I said it was kind of a sentimental piece of cookware and I was so glad to have been able to replace it . It was this time of year so I wrote something like this : " Thank you for selling this piece and you can be sure it will be well - used during this season . If it 's appropriate , I would like to wish you a ' Merry Christmas . ' " Gail wrote back , so happy to hear from me and happy the piece had arrived intact . She was glad it had found a good home as it had belonged to her late mother . Her mother had died recently and she had found the piece while clearing out her mother 's house . She almost threw it away , it being part of a set and all , but at the last minute , she decided to put it on eBay . She said she felt a little teary when she read my note because her mother had used it for the same type of cooking . Her reason was simple : I didn 't want to write this review because I 'm tired of writing about white people . I 'm tired of fantasy worlds where people of color don 't exist . Where even the made up - excuse me - composite characters are white . It gets really disheartening to see yourself written out of popular culture , written out of history time and time again . As a person of color , I 've heard time and time again similar excuses for why people of color have not been represented , especially in history . But the truth is , we are not a recent invention . . . There 's photographic evidence that there were . . . women of color in the suffrage movement . But the written record is primarily white . Neither Oluo nor the director , Sarah Gavron , used the words " historical accuracy " but that 's what I heard and that 's why this article resonated with me so strongly . I can 't count the number of times that I 've fought with men about women being " written out of history " in what was explained away as " historical accuracy " - in science , in music , in war and other distasteful activities . Australian author / feminist Dale Spender wrote a whole book called Women of Ideas and What Men Have Done to Them to show what has happened to women in literature . Suffragette was getting mixed reviews and I was having mixed feelings about whether to see it or not . When I finally decided I would go see it , I looked it up for time and place of showing . I discovered it was no longer playing here . I 'll have to wait for it in some other medium . And guess what ? In these big American movies , made by and starring high - profile actors , there are no people of colour and not a whisper of criticism about this omission . All the criticism on this subject has been reserved for a woman - centred movie , made by women , starring women , about a series of events that changed women 's lives . Suffragette was set in 1911 . I 'm not sure what the multi - cultural demographics in England looked like in 1911 but I 'll tell you this : there were plenty of black Americans around in the 1950s when Trumbo was set and there were also plenty in the 2000s when Spotlight was set . None of them however ( with the exception of a black police officer in a short scene in Spotlight ) made an appearance in these two films . The movies have certain similarities . They both deal with big events of recent history , events that affected many people , caused untold pain and ruined lives . As movies , they did it differently but the stories they told had the same profound effect . Trumbo tells the story of Dalton Trumbo , an acclaimed Hollywood screenwriter who was one of the Hollywood 10 blacklisted for his Communist affiliations . The House Un - American Activities Committee conducted hearings beginning in the late 1940s and continuing through the ' 50s into the ' 60s . The House Un - American Activities Committee was charged with investigating allegations of communist influence and subversion in the U . S . during the early years of the Cold War . Committee members quickly settled their gaze on the Hollywood film industry , which was seen as a hotbed of communist activity . This reputation originated in the 1930s , when the economic difficulties of the Great Depression increased the appeal of leftist organizations for many struggling actors and studio workers . There is a much larger story than is told in this movie but this is the story of Dalton Trumbo and its strength is in its narrower focus . Bryan Cranston deserves all his recent acclaim as an actor ( I remember him as a guest - Dr . Tim Whatley , the dentist , on Seinfeld in the mid - ' 90s ) and he will , without doubt , be on the list for best actor at the Oscars next year . If you look at the work he 's done over the years , you will acknowledge that he 's an actor who 's paid his dues . In this case , it is an ensemble cast . It 's not possible to pick one of them and say , " This one is the star . " Mark Ruffalo had the top billing but I guess someone had to have it . Maybe he has the best agent . In Cheryl 's note , they were called hearts of cattails which made them sound quite elegant . In a note to my friend , I said , " I cooked some last night - sliced as I would a leek . I sautéed them and added some carrots and asparagus ( both parboiled ) and some herbs for a vegetable mélange . They were really good and you could definitely get a distinctive taste . " . . . cattails - you may know of them as bulrushes - have been appearing on highbrow menus across the globe . At Rene Redzepi 's Noma in Copenhagen , diners were presented with whole raw cattail stalks , their tender hearts exposed and ready for hand - held munching . Meanwhile , the Los Angeles " culinary think tank " the Amalur Project served its cooked cattails with yogurt and a fine powder of rye and cumin at its four - week - long spring pop - up series . Mix them with pungent mustard greens to balance their mildness . Added to soup towards the end of cooking , they retain a refreshing crunchiness . They 're superb in stir - fry dishes . Roll in a thin slice of prosciutto or smoked salmon . We went through customs in Montreal and , fortunately enough , we got to deal with a very pleasant fellow . He listened to our story , took in all the details , examined the receipts and decided our best bet was to declare the purchases so there would be a record of them if and when they made their way to Canada . That part of it felt good anyway . The day after we got home , we began our campaign by going to the Louvre website . I think we just went to " Louvre shops " and clicked on " contact us . " We thought it would be smooth sailing from there . On Monday August 29 I bought four items of jewelry at the Louvre book store and gift shop , but mistakenly did not collect them after I paid at the caisse . Because the museum and shop were closed on mardi , I could not return to collect the items before my flight back to Canada . The four tags for the items of jewelry and the receipt from the caisse are attached . Can you ship these items to me in Canada , please ? And please advise what I need to do to pay for the shipping . On September 2 , he sent this one , to a different address : We are very disappointed and discouraged as we have sent this note so many times and we cannot get any response . It wouldn 't be such an issue if it didn 't involve a lot of money . Please read and respond ! This day we received an email about jewelery you have forgotten in August 2011 at the Louvre store . I 'm a little embarassed because we sent to you two mails on the 7th october 2011 and the 27th october 2011 without any response of you , with the following adress mail [ the email address was my brother - in - law 's workplace address in Antwerp - long story but he didn 't get it ] . It was the only adress mail in our possession received in our store at the end of september 2011 . Your items are still available in our shop and you may come to recover it when you want . Don 't hesitate to write to us for any further questions to the following mail : virginie . picano @ rmn . fr . I send you files attached . Hoping this response can bring you any satisfaction . I 'll spare you all the details of how we finally made the arrangements to get the packages but in my second last note from Florence , she had a couple of questions about one of the pieces , then she said : " Thank you to give us your preference . In return we 'll send you gifts and purchases , and the references to follow this sending on the internet . Sorry for the waiting . All the best . Florence " Paris was the last stop on our European trip in 2011 . We got there by way of Rome , Florence , Munich and Antwerp . We did all our travelling by train so we saw a lot as we made our way from city to city . We got to the Louvre quite early - for us . ( When we 're on a trip , Dan would like to get our days underway by 7 : 00 a . m . William and I are a little harder to get moving in the morning . I 'd like to think we 've compromised but I doubt if Dan is really happy with our start - times . If there 's something he really wants to see , he 'll often take off early and then come back to get us . That works . ) But we got to the Louvre at a pretty decent hour and began our walk - around . The Louvre is , of course , huge . We knew we 'd only be able to see a fraction of the art there and we tried to make some choices of both well - known and less - well - known exhibits . We saw both the Venus de Milo and the Mona Lisa . Well , you sort of have to , don 't you ? I 'm glad we did . But we saw a lot more and really made the most of our limited time . At a certain point , we decided to have some lunch . It was good - I had a curry - type dish and a salad . As we were leaving the restaurant , a wave of weakness and light - headedness and just general awful - feelingness swept over me . I thought I was going to collapse . We were just off the lobby and there were chairs and tables - all occupied - but I found some kind of uncomfortable little ledge to sit on . I sent Dan and William off to see more stuff and said I 'd be fine ; they should check on me in a while . I didn 't get any better . I felt worse and worse . Fortunately , a table became vacant and I was able to get off the little ledge and sit in a proper chair . I wanted to lay my head on the table but I didn 't want to attract attention to myself . I put my sunglasses on so I wouldn 't have to make eye contact with anyone . When Dan and William came back , I told them I had to go back to the hotel and they 're so nice and I was so sick , they didn 't just put me into a taxi . They came with me , all the way and tucked me into bed . I insisted I could manage from there and they should return to the Louvre . Which they did . They saw a lot more and took lots of photos . I looked at them when we got home but it wasn 't the same . When you buy something at the Louvre shops , you give it to the sales person , pay her / him , and get your receipt . On your way out , you go to a different counter , produce your receipt and you 're given your purchases . As Dan was packing that evening , he realized he was missing something . He had some of his purchases but he soon figured out that some had been left behind . He looked quickly to see what time the Museum opened in the morning , assuming there 'd be time to make a dash there and pick up the packages before we headed to the airport . And what did he find ? Tuesday is the only day of the week the Louvre and all its shops are closed . He checked with the desk at our hotel , got a few phone numbers where someone might know what to do - the Louvre is publicly - owned and it 's directly administered by a government department . Its employees are , in effect , civil servants . We pretty much knew though , at this point , that we were going to Canada without some of our purchases . It wouldn 't have been a huge problem except we weren 't talking about a few souvenirs . There was some very nice jewellery in those packages . All paid for and receipted . It got me thinking about child care though . When I started in journalism in a community newspaper back in the ' 70s , writing about day - care centres was considered radical . I would regularly hear from readers about children in the USSR who were separated from their parents when they were very young , the better to indoctrinate them into evil Communist ways . I was warned that this was the direction our society was taking - godless , unprincipled governments wanting to get their hands on our little ones and turn them against their parents and their parents ' ways . The other common misconception about day care is that it 's in demand from women who want to go out to work to buy extras and luxuries . They have husbands who are perfectly capable of supporting their families but these women want more - new curtains , new rugs , new dishes . Got to keep up with the neighbours and if that means shipping the kids to God - knows - where , well that 's life . And the kids . . . oh dear . We all know the stories of the sweet little face pressed against the window , sobbing hysterically as Mama waves goodbye . How could she ? What kind of heartless mother is she ? These are myths , of course , and views of day care have changed a bit over the years . It 's still not considered a service that we should be pursuing for the good of the community . It 's still a struggle for many families and it 's still misunderstood by the more privileged who don 't understand what all the fuss is about . I remember back about 25 years ago , there was a local day - care centre which announced it would be placing children in the hands of the police if their parents were late picking them up . Some of the conversations I had at that time made clear to me that there were those who just didn 't understand how many people live their daily lives . People said , " Well , you can 't blame them . Why can 't parents get there on time ? It 's not really fair . If you 're held up , you should should just get someone else to run down and pick them up . " Yes , this makes great sense for a young single mother , on her own , working as a waitress , who has a table of eight lingering over their meal and her replacement hasn 't shown up . No , she can 't just walk out and leave them . That 's just one example but not unrealistic . The Liberals spent many years promising universal child care and never delivered although they spent a long time in power within the range of those promises . They made it a very loud talking point during the recent campaign to disparage the NDP 's plan for universal child care in that special Liberal language : " We don 't have a child care plan but the NDP 's plan is worse than ours . " ( See what I did there ? Liberal - speak . ) That 's part of the reason why it 's an issue . No one would say the PM 's family doesn 't need child care . Of course they do . What about all the other families who need child care ? Here 's my complaint : I 've noticed , over the last few years , that cutlery in restaurants is getting bigger and bigger . And heavier . I find it not only ugly but difficult to handle and not at all pleasant to eat with . I really dislike those gigantic forks . Who likes those ? The one in the photo looks too wide but it doesn 't look thick enough or heavy enough to be as annoying as they are in real life . Last year , I had some major dental work done . My dentist told me ( other dentists have also told me ) I have a very small mouth . Maybe that has something to do with my cutlery choices . At home , there are no worries about cutlery . Dan usually sets the table and sometimes , if William 's around , Dan will say , as he 's putting plates on , something like , " Grab the cutlery on your way by . " Neither one of them even has to think about it now : Mama 's fork and knife choices are very specific and they 're happy to oblige . If , by chance I sit down and see that my lovely small fork has mistakenly been placed in someone else 's place setting , I do a dramatic and very audible gasp . It 's such a recognizable gasp that the error is quickly corrected . They 're both very easy - going and they don 't seem to mind . Spoons are a whole other story . I use three different spoons for ice cream , fruit salad and soft - boiled eggs . To me , the choice of these spoons makes a lot of sense but I suspect to others , it seems beyond quirky and verging on neurotic . I do have minor control issues but so far , I think my cutlery preoccupation is under control . I haven 't yet started to take my own fork in my purse when I go out for dinner . It might be a good way to make a point though . There are two amazing things about this dishpan . The first is that I even have it , after many moves over the years . Somehow , it has stuck with me . The second is that it even still exists , almost as good as new . Imagine something that would normally be considered temporary turning out to be almost permanent . About 20 years ago , our single Christmas poinsettia was still green and fresh - looking well into the springtime . It was still so lovely in April , I decided it should be saved . I filled some pots with soil and I cut it back quite ruthlessly . I dipped the cuttings into a little rooting hormone and stuck them into the extra pots . ( As always , my reminder : click on the photos to enlarge . ) They lived and grew . Every spring , I kept cutting back , adding new pots , looking for nooks and crannies in the house where they could reside all winter . For the first few years , I followed book rules and covered them every night so they 'd have a period of complete darkness . I used dark garbage bags . Then , for awhile , I started stashing them under the table and hung blankets around the sides to block any light . I got tired of that though so I began to treat them like all the other plants . It 's been many years since I 've worried about them getting light overnight . After they 're cut back , I put them outdoors for the summer . They love being outdoors and stay out well into October . They grow lush and green and they thrive . All these photos were taken this past summer so some of these are just a few months old . There are 17 plants at this point - there have been more and there have been fewer . In the photo below , the one in the top left corner is the Mother of them all . Her main stem is woody , like a small tree trunk . Long may she live . When William was about this age , I wrote an article about him and , among other things , I said , " From the beginning , William was - and remains - a good sleeper , a good eater , a little fellow who seems to enjoy life . " That why I love this picture . It expresses his love of life so openly . He was an exuberant child . If I had a nickel - as they say - for every time a teacher called me from the school to tell me William had been sent to the office , I 'd be rich . His crime was always the same : he was rough - housing . He and Sebastian were wrestling . He body - checked Rhett in the hall on the way to the gym . The teachers always made a point of acknowledging that William was not mean or malicious - he was high - spirited . But rules were rules and the rule that seemed to be at the top of the rule - book was the no - touching rule . William broke that rule on a regular basis . I confess , there came a day when I got tired of the phone calls though . I respect teachers beyond most other professional people and you couldn 't pay me enough to do their job . But the day the teacher called and said , " William won 't stay in his seat ! " was the day I answered back . In retrospect , I 'm sure she was having a bad day and had just had it up to here but at the time , I guess I 'd had it too . " What do you want me to do , Madame ? " I asked . " Do you want me to come down there and tell William to stay in his seat ? " I think she quite quickly realized that it must have sounded a little silly to me because she quickly answered , " No , but I thought you should know . " I thanked her for that and then , because I felt bad for her , I said , " You know what ? You can tell William that if he doesn 't stay in his seat , I 'm coming down there . I think that will help . " I don 't know if she did . When he was in grade three or four - can 't remember which - he had a little assignment which was to write 10 facts about his mother . He was in French Immersion so his facts were all in French . He started with the obvious : he said I was a good cook and , quite endearingly , he said I took good care of him . He said I was a writer and editor . At about number four , he wrote , " Elle est une communiste . " I swear , to this day , I wonder what the teacher must have thought when she read that . I didn 't see it until the end of term so I think I saw her several times between when he wrote it and when I saw it . It was never an issue , as far as I know . William still takes a huge interest in politics , in how the world works and in all current events . He keeps a closer eye on much of it than I do and he loves to talk about issues , from local to international , from US presidential candidates to Putin and Turkey . He enjoys hearing a historical perspective and making connections . Dan has worked in politics most of his adult life and William loves hearing what happens on the inside of politics . He and Dan actively worked together on two recent election campaigns . He also loves to talk about sports - basketball mostly - and music and movies and other aspects of pop culture . He has kept Dan and me interested in things that we might have missed . Over the years , William has willingly gone with Dan and me to the theatre , to Symphony concerts , to movies that he probably wouldn 't choose on his own . He always appreciates them and is always glad he went . One day , not too long ago , I told him I had got him a ticket for some show or other . I said , " I think you 'll enjoy it . " He said , " I enjoy pretty much everything , Mama . " We get our turkey from our farmer - she takes orders and we pick it up a couple of days before we need it . Her turkeys have lived a good life ; they 've eaten well , had some freedom , were never treated badly or cruelly . They 've never had antibiotics or steroids - or any medication . They 've grown up less than an hour from where we live . The day before we 're going to roast it , we brine it . If it 's really big , we use the big cooler and just put the whole thing right in there . Dan does the brining and he 's used different things at different times : kosher salt , brown sugar , maybe some herbs . The turkey stays in the brine overnight and in the morning , it 's drained and dried . Before the roasting begins , I like to put some nice fragrant additions into the cavity : wedges of orange or lemon , lots of onion , garlic , handfuls of mixed herbs - sage , thyme , rosemary . Sometimes , I take some of those same flavours and use them under the skin . I slide my hand between skin and breast to make a nice pocket and slip in some thin slices of lemon , garlic and whole sage leaves . I know most people swear by butter rubbed all over the outside of the turkey and I like that too . Who wouldn 't ? But sometimes , if I 've got the lemon fever , I rub the skin all over with olive oil , then with a cut lemon , then I zest some lemon peel all over . I sprinkle with coarse salt and roughly ground pepper and Bob 's your uncle ! You can see that with this barbecue , I could put the drip pan under the rack so the turkey sat directly on the rack . I liked that . This picture is from Christmas 2009 . The turkey 's almost done . You can tell by its lovely colour and also by the fact that I 'm already fixed up and ready for our dinner guests to arrive . P . S . Of course , I make dressing ! I make it in a baking dish . Bread crumbs , onions , garlic , summer savoury , salt , pepper , chicken stock - and some of the turkey drippings drizzled over it for extra taste at the end . As we were leaving , some people sitting around us said , in our general direction , " If you ever get a chance , tell us what that was all about ! " They were laughing but they seemed to imply they 'd had a hard time following it . Dan and I enjoyed it . I had a short text exchange with William during intermission and he said , " How 's the play , Mum ? " I said , " It 's intense Shakespeare . " if you think it is early days and clear out bag and baggage , if you think it is high time and that is the long and short of it , if you believe that the game is up and that truth will out even if it involves your own flesh and blood , if you lie low ' till the crack of doom because you suspect foul play , if you have your teeth set on edge ( at one fell swoop ) without rhyme or reason , then - to give the devil his due - if the truth were known ( for surely you have a tongue in your head ) you are quoting Shakespeare ; even if you bid me good riddance and send me packing , if you wish I was dead as a door - nail , if you think I am an eyesore , a laughing stock , the devil incarnate , a stony - hearted villain , bloody - minded or a blinking idiot , then - by Jove ! O Lord ! Tut tut ! For goodness ' sake ! What the dickens ! But me no buts ! - it is all one to me , for you are quoting Shakespeare . |
Yesterday . . . oh , yesterday . Shiloh had a poopy explosion blow - out to rival all others . ( ( She was expected to hold out and do it at the Ped 's office , but this was such a mess I am glad she was home ! ) ) She was in her exersaucer when I suddenly got a whiff that signaled my afternoon had just taken a sudden slant to the dark side . The diaper didn 't even have a chance . . . because of her being in the saucer at the time I don 't think even a larger diaper would have helped . Shiloh got hosed off in the big tub for the first time ( she was brave ! ) and then TWO baths after that . I was afraid she might have a tummy bug or something , it was sooo bad , so I tossed some bleach around the tubs afterwards , just in case . She seems fine though , and a little rice cereal was her only solid that entire day so I don 't know what the deal was . Shiloh has also started . . . when she isn 't interested in a food or wants to let me know she 's finished eating . She 'll blow into her food ! ! ! I have learned that pears fly very far and peas don 't fly quite that far . . . in case you were wondering ! She thinks that 's a lot funnier than just clenching her lips shut or turning her head away when she 's done . It 's seriously making me reconsider giving her solids the next time we are at a restaurant . . . . I 'm sure the neighboring diners don 't want to end up wearing peas ! ! The other night I had a dream that my DH was working right next door to our house . Then he hung upside - down like Spiderman from the top story and was waving through the window at me , and I thought " what a goofball ! " and that was the end of my dream . I actually had about 3 small dreams . . . all completely and totally different that night . When I put them all together though , I just really have too much on my mind and not enough time to sort through my thoughts . In the morning I asked my DH if he could re - enact my dream because . . . truthfully it was pretty cool ! He said he could but then he would be crippled the rest of his life . . . and so on , and so on . Whatever . . . he has bigger muscles than Tobey Macguire anyday , so he 's Posted by Okay , so I about died when I read my sister 's blog this morning ! Too cute and too funny ! : D ! Now . . . my husband and I are just too much like my parents . Though in my parents case it 's Dad 's hearing ( or lack thereof ) in our case it 's a bit of language barrier . For example . . . My brother hit a deer the other day . . . he 's okay , the deer is presumably okay . . . and after major surgery and some time in ICU , the car should be okay as well . So when my husband calls me on his lunchbreak and asks me how my day is going , I update him on the accident . Our conversation goes something like this . . . Me : My brother hit a deer this morning , he 's okay though . DH : He hit a bear ? ! Me : No , a deer ! he hit a deer ! DH hears ( no dear ! he hit a beer ! ) : Um . . . a beer ? a beer ? how did he do that ? Me : A deer jumped out in front of him . DH : A bear ? Me : No a deer , you know , you see them on the side of the road . . . . " D " as in dog ( now I am thinking he probably thinks Jon hit a dog ) E - E - R . DH : D - E - E - R , D - E - E - R , ohhhhh a deer ! ! Me : YES ! ! ! Both of us start cracking up . . . when we go over our conversation later than evening we are laughing so hard at my DH 's trying to figure out how Jon hit a beer can and why that was a big deal at all ! Okay anyways . . . my garbage can died . I bet you didn 't think they would do that , did you ? Well if the poopy diapers are stinky enough . . . aparently they do ! There 's only so much a trashcan can take after all . We have one of those cans with the step , step on the step and the lid opens up . . . not anymore . This plastic rod inside broke , so I have to go shopping for a new trashcan . The step is so handy with a baby or with baking . . . step and drop the diaper or eggshells without making a mess . I made Shiloh some sweet potatoes last night , but she wasn 't too interested . No biggie since I love them ! ! : ) I saved some to try at a later date and I 'll probably be making some more this week . She 's been eating more fruit too so that is good though she still makes funky faces . I just called and her pictures are ready , so hopefully we can get those picked up this weekendPosted by So we watched " The Holiday " it just came out this month on DVD . It has Cameron Diaz , Jack Black , Kate Winslet , & Jude Law in it . I thought Cameron Diaz 's acting or her promiscuous character . . . which ever or maybe both , were horrible , but Jude Law was really good . I have never seen him in a movie before , that I can recall . I think the movie is worth watching just to see him when Cameron Diaz 's character runs into the house towards the end of the movie . ( I am trying not to spoil the movie for those who haven 't seen it ) We did end up watching it twice . . . and we still laughed and I got teary - eyed . . . twice . It was supposed to be my " girly movie " that my husband would fall asleep instantly during , but he actually watched the entire thing . . . twice . Wanted to see more Jack Black , I liked him in " Nacho Libre " . . . oh , crud . . . now I 'll be singing that stupid song all day . . I 've been snacking on dark chocolate M & M 's . . . . Brilliant ! yum - yum - yum ! ! ! Definitely buy some . . . and bring them to me ! : ) Shiloh keeps trying to eat her diapers . Not the ones she is wearing , but any loose ones that she can get her hands on , she 'll start eating . We 've had to find new places to keep them so they are still available for a quick change . I think it goes along with her likeness for magazine pages and chewing on denim . It might just be because she was born in the year of the dog ? now she must chew everything in sight ? It 's more of a pain to put a bib on her than not , it seems . When she has a bib she has to chew on it ! Then I have to take the bib out of her mouth , put in a spoonful of food and repeat . I 'm not sure how much food goes onto the bib and how much goes into her tummy . When I try to hold the bib down . . . . she eats my hand instead . She has started liking small bits of food , so I fed her some Rice Crispies ( she still can 't pick them up ) and she gummed those for a long time so they kept her happy for quite awhile . She 's been very cautious and slow about eating pieces of food so I have felt more confident trying a bit more . But no toys at the same time . . . and no DPosted by It 's a gorgeous day ! About 56 degrees right now . I had Shiloh wearing a long - sleeved onesie , a sweater , and a hoodie . . . she was pretty warm ! I am usually colder , and they say to dress your baby the same as you . . . well , Shiloh is a hot baby ! Probably could have done without the hoodie . Took her Aldi 's this morning , she sat in the seat part with her new seat protector in place . . . . of course the tiny section that ISN ' T covered by the protector is where she places her hand ! ! ! There is a pillow thing that I didn 't grab out of the truck that attaches to it , and she really did need it as she 's not sitting perfectly yet . I think with that I wouldn 't have to hold onto her so much . She was so good and quiet too , just observing everything and enjoying her new view . Picked up some sweet potatoes . I think she 'll like those , she 's been preferring bites of food that I place into her mouth vs . on a spoon so I thought I could dice those micro - tiny and she 'd like that . She doesn 't have the pincher grasp yet , I try about once a week offering her rice crispies to see if she can pick them up yet . . . . she prefers to smash them with her spoon that she flings around . That way , the WHOLE kitchen is crispy ! ; ) I wish it was warm enough to open the windows , and do some spring cleaning . I have things that I want to wash and hang out on the line . . . get that fresh air / sunshine smell going . . . and chase the dust bunnies outside . I was thinking how very different a newborn is from a 6 month old . I didn 't get much sleep when Shiloh was little , but when I did , I was woken up it was by a mewling cry . . . . this morning I was woken up by tiny fingers being stuck up my nose . Newborns won 't even look at toys . . . 6 month olds have some how opened their own Toys ' R Us in your living room . I used to carry burp clothes , bottles , and pacifiers in my diaper bag . . . now its toys , sippycups , and jars of babyfood . ( Still * very * heavy ! ! ) You know that " Whack a Mole " game ? The little moles pop up and you try to hit them with the mallet . Try putting socks on the little moles instead . . . . that is what I feel like trying to get Shiloh dressed each morning . So much time spent on getting tiny socks on . . . when she 'll just pull one off the second she can and kick the other off later . We 're getting to the " throw & pick - up " stage . She throws , and I pick - up . . . repeated multiple times a day . I don 't think I could keep track of how often , even if I wanted to . Good exercise I guess . Occasionally it 's purposeful throwing and she looks to see where it landed , but more often than not it just fumbled through her fingers . Shiloh is doing very well with drinking out of regular cups . . . she has a couple of sippy cups but I 'm trying to keep those reserved for when we are out , and teach her to drink out of a regular cup at home . She does soo well already , when she 's had enough , she 'll start to let the water dribble out . . . She 's started doing this funny laugh when I nurse her . . . particularly when she 's tired or hungry . It 's this " heh - heh - heh " laugh , all I can think of is a kid that got what they wanted but weren 't supposed to have . It 's so funny . Shiloh has always been very good and still during her bathtime . But last night she started kicking away in the water , she even splashed water onto her face . . . but she just gasped and started kicking harder ! : D Even handing her the rubber duckie did nothing to distract her . I am still using her baby bathtub that I bring into our bedroom as it is warmer there and it 's easier on my back . I finally had to make her sit in the bottom instead of on the reclining seat . . . . by that time the walls had a bath , oh . . . and the floor . . . and me . . . . Today she ate her cereal in the morning , later had some peaches but wasn 't too thrilled with those so I gave her small pieces of the banana I was eating . She liked that ! She refused the mashed banana ( yesterday ) but small pieces she liked ? ! This evening she had a hold - me time . She didn 't want her saucer , didn 't want to play on her mat . . . . definitely didn 't want to sit . She stretched her arms to me and wailed " mama " just as clear as day * each time * ! I wanted to get the camcorder out it was so clear , but I had a crying baby so in order of importance . . . ; PSo then she sat on my lap , and pooped . yep . After I got that cleaned up , she ate and is napping now . Guess sometimes a Momma 's lap is good for a variety of things . . . aparently mine makes a good potty . Wow , I did it ! ! ! I finished a " tag " blankie ! ! ! It only took the afternoon , and that was with Shiloh not being exactly helpful . I wanted a funky kind of print , and had a zebra pattern on hand . I think I would have liked it better with a bit of hot pink ribbon , but I didn 't feel like waiting until I could get to the store to make it . I also had a pretty lavender ribbon that I wish I could have used , but it was wired and that wouldn 't have been good for this particular project . I actually ended up doing the hand - stitching one - handed while I nursed Shiloh in the other arm because I was impatient to get it finished since I was soo close to completion , and Shiloh was doing one of her long . . . refuse to nap without Mommy things . I 'm actually very happy with how it turned out ! ( Here are some pics ) Shiloh slept another 7 solid hours last night . That was a nice surprise , and I actually got to enjoy it and wasn 't up every second checking on her . But then she was awake an hour before it was time . . . so that was tiring again . She 's interested in faces now , and keeps touching mine and sticking her fingers in my mouth . . . she thinks it 's sooo funny ! She 's saying " Mama " and " mom - mom - mom - mom " though she doesn 't know what it means yet , it does seem like she makes that noise a lot when she wants me . Or maybe it 's just that she always makes the noise , and always wants me ? : D ! Well , I gotta go . . . me and my little protege are going to make cookies . She said she wants double chocolate - chip , so Daddy is out - voted ! Lol ! Hmm . . . I may end up making Shiloh a " tag " blanket first instead of the dress . Similar to these . She 's just started playing with the tags on the backs of her stuffed animals . The blankets are pretty basic and I have a beautiful ribbon assortment so that should be a fun and simple project . Just don 't know what material I will use . For some reason she is in love with my denim jeans . . . she likes to touch them , scrunch them up . . . attempt to eat them . ( As I am typing this , she creeped over to me and started chewing on my ( denim covered ) leg . . . Aww , my little puppy ! Lol ) But denim is very difficult to work with . . . so I 'm not sure , I may just look at what materials I already have on hand first . I went to DD 's for an iced coffee this afternoon , then a quick trip to the DollarTree . They had a really nice selection of artificial flowers . . . I was so tempted but I think I have enough . . . it 's getting to be an addiction of sorts . I love having flowers all year round though , and they 've started making them look pretty realistic , and as yet I haven 't killed one ! : ) Even when the blooms and leaves fall off you can just put them back together . ta da ! I keep getting all these crafty ideas , then I really think about it and it would look too cluttery . Ah , well . . . It was nice to enjoy a sunny day . . . cold , but sunny anyways ! Just getting hard to lug the carseat around . If it was warmer I could just carry her into the store but with the weather I prefer to keep her covered under the blankets in her carseat . Just a little bit longer now , I keep telling myself ! Shiloh 's cheek is already less red today , but now it 's rough looking , so I 'm applying her cream even more frequently . I love this cream though , I 'm tempted to use it myself if it could get my face as soft and rosy as hers ! It 's " Gentle Naturals Baby Eczema Cream " , and it 's been working pretty well for Shiloh . Okay , I 'm hungry . . . time for lunch . Er . . . it 's 3pm , already ? ! Guess , that 's part of my Mommy diet ! ; ) ( ( Edited to add : Aparently this Blogger doesn 't adjust for the new Daylight savings time . . . ' cPosted by Here are some photos of my completed legwarmers projects ( on my cute model ) . I found a basic pattern on another blog actually , but I had to change it since the original was for a 3yr . old to go just above the knee . . . and also I didn 't have the correct ( circular ) needles so I kinda did my own thing . Shiloh 's holding her toes , she 's discovered them and likes to pull off her socks now . ; ) They tend to fall down a bit though , despite the ribbing on the top , so I may put them over tights or something for awhile . I made them longer so that I can use them to cover her feet too . Not too bad . . . I didn 't do things exactly as I wanted but I had the baby to care for and would forget specific details I wanted to do . My next project will likely be sewing , I bought a pretty purple patterned material for Shiloh that I 'd like to make her a summer dress out of . But I 'll either have to make it large now or wait a bit so I 'll be sure the measurements will be correct for summer . Shiloh has a tiny spot ( less than dime size ) of ezcema on her cheek , next to her mouth . It was such a bright pink this a . m . , but doesn 't feel too rough , so hopefully I can get it taken care of and it won 't spread any farther . For some reason she 's not been to enthusiastic about eating solids this week , if I wait until I know she 'll have an empty tummy . . . she eat a few spoonfuls eagerly , then she clamps her lips shut . I 've only been able to get her to eat a decent meal by alternating foods , spoonful of this , spoonful of that . . . and only when she really hasn 't eaten in a bit . Don 't know what this is . . . . but she 's certainly not losing any weight over it ! : ) Okay I have a bunch of baking to do . Just got the baby down for a nap ( again ! ) , after some people rang the doorbell and startled her awake . . . I didn 't bother with the people at the door . I had the baby in my arms and was trying to get her back to sleep , and waiting for my phone to ring if it was someone I knew at the door . When I did look out the window as they walked to the next house , I was glad I hadn 't bothered to Posted by I think I fell in love with my family all over again yesterday . : ) ( LONG POST ) It was an extremely hectic and busy day ! We decided to head to a local mall and after much discussion we decided to have photos taken at the Sears Portrait Studio . I really wanted to wait to do some Wal - Mart ones during the week sometime because they are much less busy , less $ , and with them being less busy I could make sure the baby was happy at photo time . My husband won though because he wanted to see her get pictures , wanted family pictures , and thought Sears would be a better quality . Sears was packed ! ! ! Aparently one of the photographers had a flat tire , and they quickly backed up with toddlers in various stages of temper - tantrums . We came back at our appt . time , and I took Shiloh to the bathroom and changed her diaper and put her hairbow in . 15 minutes later , Shiloh is rubbing her eyes . Another 15 minutes , her face is turning red , her eyes bleary . . . my watch & my body are telling me she 's hungry . . . and we have to keep fending away curious 2 yr . olds that want to touch the " Ba - bee 's " face ! I give her a sippy cup of water , and my husband says 10 more minutes maxium , then we 'll leave . We 're next though , they start with family photos . Not too bad though the draping looks like it 's seen better days . They don 't pose the baby at all . . . which is fine , she still smiles . Then the baby 's turn , the photographer pulls the chosen backdrop down across the floor and wants us to lay the baby on her belly on it . . . then stand behind the camera with the her . Shiloh is tired and hungry , and on the floor in the middle of a strange room , with a strange lady shaking a dirty , dirty , stuffed clown at her . Her face just drops . I scoop her up and she 's instantly fine . So the photographer snaps a few shots with Shiloh over my shoulder . The rest of the photos we take with Daddy on one side and Mommy on the other side , and Shiloh is fine smiling at the camera and not constantly looking at us . She 's pretty outgoing and smiley at strangers but like any baby , she just wants Posted by Happy St . Patrick 's Day ! I spent the day knitting , and I just now finished the 2nd pair of legwarmers for Shiloh . I want to try them on her and see how they look and fit ! But . . . my model is asleep ! : ( Now I have to patiently wait , how ironic that I was trying to get her to nap so that I could get the knitting done , and now when I am done . . . she 's napping ! While knitting I watched some episodes of " Man vs . Wild " , pretty interesting stuff . You learn a lot , like should you ever be lost in Kenya ( you know how frequently that happens ! ) that if you are desperately thirsty you can drink water out of elephant poo . Makes you kissable too . . . : PPPPOkay , quite frankly . . . my face would look like one of those dried - apple faces before I would take that step . The host always dives right in too , never just explaining . . " if " I were that desperate . I kept wanting him to hold out before he eats the snake or bug , or finds that certainly un - appeasing way to keep his head cool in the desert heat . Surely you can last longer man . . . don 't drink the poo ! don 't drink the poo ! What can I say it certainly is entertaining television . It has begun . MORE snow is falling . . . and sticking . They are saying another 8 - 14 " From nearly 50 degree temps to 1 - 2 ' of snow , it 's crazy March weather ! We 're popping vitamins and going to run the vaporizer tonight to attempt to ward away the sickness that tends to fall when the weather so rapidly changes like this . A vaporizer sounds like a weapon on StarTrek , hmm . . . Shiloh is resisting a nap . . . I think she needs it because she started losing her temper at her toys ( usually a good sign that it 's sandman time ) I have tried rocking , bouncing , nursing , nursing in bed , and even letting her fuss in her crib . Actually I have her in her pack n ' play at the moment , but she 's just destroying it right now . Flinging diapers and toys and blankets everywhere . . . . she 's quiet and happy at it too ! : ) She keeps lifting her head to see if I am watching and then just beams at me . Such a ham ! She 's also rolling back and forth , looks like she 's just figured out how to roll both ways now . Shiloh is commando crawling around now , mostly in a circle . . . but she did back herself under the pack n ' play this morning . She lifts her feet high in the air and her arms do all the work , she 's pretty good at backing her self to where she wants to go . : ) I got my hair cut , and then I colored and highlighted it myself . Shiloh was nice enough to nap during the highlighting which was great since that took awhile to do . I really like the highlights and I think I 'll do them again someday . I 'm also knitting another pair of legwarmers for Shiloh , I made her a fuzzy white pair and I like them so much ! I am now making her a larger pair but these are multi - colored stripes . Too cute . . . and very modern too . I guess legwarmers are the " in " thing in baby clothes . Who would have thought ? I guess you can make some with cutting regular adult socks etc . but these are warmer and I like their more finished look . They 're really nice for when she 's in her exersaucer and her pants tend to ride up and her little legs are cold . Also with crawling time coming soon , they 'll be nice on her knePosted by My little , teeny , tiny , itsy , bitsy ( you get the point ) baby is 6 months old today ! Half a year old ! Wow ! ! Sometimes I wish we took more pictures of those first days . . . but really that is just insane since the child already has a cd of pictures of just her first 6 weeks ! ! I do like to look at them , but I think I take even more pictures of her now , after all when they are newborns they don 't do much more than sleep . Then you just have pictures of them sleeping in different places . : DOh , I definitely take more pictures now . In just 2 days alone I had over 100 + pictures on my camera and would have kept taking more but the battery died ! Unfortunately it 's impossible but any future siblings of hers will have photo - envy . It would be very difficult ( to say the least ) to keep up this level of photo - taking with more than one subject . . . I 'm going to get some type of carpal - tunnel syndrome of the shutter - pressing finger . Probably no such thing and I will be the first documented case . At this point , I doubt Tom Cruise has been photographed as much as my daughter . : D ! She sat up today for nearly 15 minutes without toppling over ! Then she looked at me , saw I was behind her and leaned back on me . But I think after sitting that long for the first time is pretty tiring . Yesterday as soon as her Daddy came home from work she started laughing hysterically at him . He wasn 't really doing anything but she thinks her Daddy is the best comedian around and whatever he does is hilarious ! She slept for 6 hours last night , which I think is the record for her . She still eats a couple times at night . . . which at this age can be a sign of a growth spurt . But I think for Shiloh it has been a never - ending growth spurt since birth to get her from a tiny 5lbs . to her current 15lbs ! And I 'm used to it , I don 't miss the sleep much and if she actually delays a feeding I tend to be up , worried , and checking on her . I stopped feeding Shiloh solids for a couple of days . She tried a new food . . . oatmeal baby cereal , and then was extremely cranky & whiny . . . had bm 's all day & night long and instant diaper rash ! So even though , those are symptoms you 'd have to search to associate with a food reaction , I decided it was the only thing that had changed and to treat it as such . Also she started screaming as soon as I put her in her highchair which could have multiple reasons . . . she hates fruit , and I was trying to sneak that into her foods to soften her bm 's . This morning , I fed her plain rice cereal and then squash . . . not mixed like she likes . She was so happy it was like a different baby ! She opened her mouth eagerly , cooed while eating , happily kicked her legs . . . and that was despite the fact that she was a bit sleepy . Also , already her diaper rash is almost gone ! : ) Had my birthday party yesterday , it was a good time and Shiloh enjoyed watching us play with the balloons . She liked the whole singing " Happy Birthday " and candles and clapping too . Lol , okay I gotta go . Shiloh is playing on her tummy with some toys and she keeps frowning and laying her head down . Diaper change time ! I just rotated the extra toys that I place on Shiloh 's exersaucer . . . put away some and brought out some others . She thinks it 's Christmas . . . she was so excited and chewing on this and that . Then she jumped all around and flung her teething ring over her head ! I laughed and handed it back to her and she did it again . Okay . . . guess that 's how she plays with that toy ? ! It 's a cloudy , icy , rainy day here . I need to mop the floor but it will take forever to dry on a day like this . That is my excuse for writing on here instead ! Shiloh has just started laughing at tickling . She now thinks it 's funny and doesn 't scream . . . just cute giggles . Much better . I think she has my smile . It looks like some of my baby pictures . . . . She can sit up very well as long as she stays focused . If someone walks in the room , when she looks at them she will topple over . She can 't really look to the side and still remain sitting upright . My birthday was yesterday , had a small cake with three candles . Since I like my frosting un - melted . I think 3 candles are more than adequate . . . 3 wishes etc . I 'll just say it 's my 3rd anniversary of turning . . . um , 21 . And those who know my real age , just hush ! Shiloh kept me up the other night . . . so I was exhausted on my b ' day . We both took a 2 hour nap together . That didn 't help me feel any younger ! I actually felt like I woke up and had become an entire year older in just one night ! ! My husband was asking where the candles were , and I was so sleepy I thought he was talking about having candles out in case of power outage from the ice storm . So I told him , I had some large Yankee candles that I 'd put out . Yeah , when I realized that would have been some mushed cake with a giant Yankee candle on top ! Ok , my daughter is too funny ! ! She has a moveable toy attached to her exersaucer , but instead of trying to grab it with her hands she is trying to chase it with her mouth , with her tongue sticking out licking it . : - D ! |
I 've spent the last few weeks really trying to figure out how not to be so angry at my sister . I think the biggest thing for me is that she didn 't listen to my side ( via the letter ) . I don 't know why , but when that letter was out there in the wind , being read or not , it didn 't bother me because there was a chance she would read it . Now that I know it hurts . I 've been writing a lot and keeping all those thoughts to myself , so it can be my work . I 'm been going to a lot of Bikram Yoga . I 'm still seeing my therapist . I 'm also spending more time with friends , making sure to call people I love and check in and meeting girlfriends for lunch and shopping . I need those " sisters " in my life , because I 'm never really going to have that with my own related sister . So I am making those connections elsewhere . I also have to keep reminding myself that my sister paid for about 400 books to be published and she was screwed over by her publishing house and they only published about 40 books . So in the entire world of almost 7 billion people , there are only 40 copies of her book . Maybe 75 people have read it in the entire world . So that is something . The last I heard she was going to try and sue her publisher and agent . So 75 people read things about me . I have to remember that that and then let it go . I 've always told myself I don 't care what people think . And I really don 't , but I obviously did care what my sister thought and I was hurt that she thought so little of me . There is one other thing that has helped me through , and that is making sure I work every day to get the anger out of me until it 's all gone . I 've been writing , painting , singing , and there is a song that I heard about two weeks ago that makes me cry every time I hear it . It has become my mantra , of sorts , during this time in my life . I don 't normally subscribe to pop - rock and the young girl singers , like Miley , etc . , but I heard " Skyscaper " by Demi Lovato . My daughter loves this girl and I read some about her and she 's been through a lot shit . The words to the song are amazing and they remind me everyday that though that book tore me down , I 'm going to get over it . Words are just words . They are not me , they do not define me and I know my life and my story and I will hold my own truth and I will honor that . You can take everything I have It 's been a couple weeks ( almost ) since my mom fell and the hoopla happened . I called my mom a few times the weekend after it happened and left her messages . Then I called her last weekend and she answered . I asked her how she was and she said things have been crazy and she hasn 't been doing very well , but she 's better now . " A few days ago , but your sister came over and checked on me and took me to the hospital . They ran some tests , but I 'm fine . " She says . It finally hit me in that moment - this the beginning of her dementia . We all knew my mom was forgetful , she forgot where she parked her car in the mall parking lot and security would drive her around until she found it . If you told me mom a story about something that happened , she would tell it back to you ( incredibly embellished ) the next day like it happened to someone else . When you said , " yea , I told you this yesterday " she would reply " No you didn 't . I heard this from so and so . " And that was that . I found it easier to just listen that to argue . She had a brain hemorrhage two years ago and spent some time in the neuro Intensive Care Unit , for surgery and recovery . And now my mom 's memory is bad , and she tells wildly crazy versions of simple events that I mentioned to her , and she goes on and on and will argue to the bitter end that she is right . Her memories of things that happened 20 years ago are so twisted up that when she talks about them , I can 't make any sense of what she 's talking about . Sometimes , it makes me feel like I 'm the forgetful one , like I just don 't have any clear memories of growing up . I mean , my mom talks about this stuff like it is Gospel truth and when I question it , she gets upset . And then we argue , because she really wants me to remember and I just don 't . Not the way that she does and then my mom says things that hurt my feelings . Yet , I keep calling because she is my mom . I realized today that the woman I knew as my mom is gone . I can talk to her now and tell her things , listen to her and laugh with her but as soon as the she hangs up the phone she 's either forgotten I called her or refashioned our conversation into another story entirely . I will never be able to sit on the couch and talk with her for hours ( because I get too frustrated and she gets too tired ) , I will never take her to Ireland to see her family there , and someday I will call her and she won 't even know who I am . This is the part that sucks . So my Facebook posting resulted in a private message from someone who is a good friend of my sister 's . She told me that my sister told everyone on FB who asked why we weren 't friends anymore that I was upset with her because she and her family were too financially strapped to come to my wedding . Really ? So now there will always be that who - said - what thing going on . My sister made me look petty and cruel , when I was actually relieved that she wasn 't coming to my wedding . It has been difficult for me to even be around her in the last two years and I 've been swallowing down my anger every time I see her . I knew her family was having some financial difficulties , though I had no idea how bad . She had told me they might not make it to my wedding and I asked that she give me as much notice as possible so I could re - arrange . She told me three months before . I suppose the fact that I never replied to her message and then unfriended her on Facebook led her to assume that I was upset that she wasn 't coming to the wedding , when in reality , I was just relieved that I didn 't have to swallow down more anger while she was around . But as usual , she spins her own story , much like her memoir , and lies about the people who don 't hover around her in orbit . I tried to hover , I really did , but I 'm so glad I don 't anymore . The biggest issue today for me is that my mom fell a couple times last week . My sister sent the message to me through my kids ( way to be like my ex - husband ) , and so I called my mom and checked in and then sent an email message to all three of my kids letting them know that they don 't need to pass on messages anymore . I told them that I don 't want them to be in the middle of another battle . I told them I would call my mom a couple of times a week and keep myself informed about her health and her life . And not a single one of my kids even replied to my email . So today , I 'm pissed , I 'm tired , I 'm lonely and I 'm wondering why I put myself out there to anyone . Really ? I guess I have to admit that subconsciously I wanted to hear soemthing from my kids . Maybe a thanks ! Or a " we stand by you , Mom , no matter what . " But I got nothing . Today is one of those days where I would tell my therapist that I 'm feeling so out - of - sorts that I want to buy a plane ticket to a far away country and just drop off the map of everyone 's lives . Then they can go " hey , where is Rory ? " And wonder why I left . I put far too much of my life in other people hands and hearts . It 's time to stop doing that with everybody . Regret hung from the hem of everyone 's lives , a rip cord reminder that what you want is not always what you get . At some time or another , everyone was failed by this world . Disappointment was the one thing humans had in common . Taken this way [ I don 't ] feel quite so alone . Trapped in the whirlpool of what might have been , you might not be able to drag yourself out - but you could be saved by someone else who reached in . - from Second Glance by Jodi Picoult I think that feeling will change as the days go by , as I talk it all out with my therapist and as my mom continues to try and talk about my sister like I 'm feeling bad that I missed out on all her life 's juicy gossip . I 've tried asking my mom not to talk about her , but she still does . Do I have regrets ? About some things in my life certainly , about this . . . . I don 't know yet . I guess I should have said something to my sister before her book was even published . But I 've spent the better part of my adult life not speaking to her and so I suppose , I didn 't want to say anything to her because I figured she would get mad at me again and quit talking to me again . My experience with " sisterhood " has been incredibly disappointing . I know friends of mine have great relationships with their sisters , they can say anything and there is still love and support and hugs and laughter . I sometimes wish I could have had that with my sister , but instead I just remind myself that I have that kind of relationship with dear friends of mine and that is enough . I posted my sister 's cruel note to me on Facebook and I 've received a lot of support , some from people I never expected . And , as always , My Baby B has been so wonderful . I know he wonders why it has to be like this and he really wants to know why my sister is so mad at me , but he 'll never get those answers . I also think that he feels badly that he won 't ever see my sister 's husband again . They liked each other and they got along really well . With no reason to visit anymore , that is a friendship he 'll let go of . My sister wrote a memoir and it was published in November of 2009 . She put her real name on the cover and my real name and the real names of my mom and dad in the book . To say the least , it has fragmented our family . The story of how we ( my sister and I ) got to this post - it note today is long . I think it starts with me not calling her right after I read her book and apologizing for my actions that led to her oh - so - difficult life , because . . . hey . . . my life hasn 't been a cake walk and no one is reaching out to apologize to me , mainly because I 'm taking responsibility for my life and my choices . But my sister wrote about people we went to high school with and she changed the names ; ya know , Brook became Becky and that sort of thing . And apparently , those ladies have called my sister after reading the book and they have apologized for their actions that led to her oh - so - difficult life . Good for them . I didn 't . Because I was , honestly , too shocked at the crap in the book about me . She made me and my mom and dad look small , weak , and sheep - like . She made terrible fun of us and she was most hard on my mom . Poor thing . And I mean that . My dad and I did not call and apologize . I don 't feel like I need to . I have enough crap in my life to handle without apologizing for someone else 's crap . Any who . My sister sent my dad and email and " relieved him of his parental obligation . " She told him she didn 't need a father anymore and she never wanted to hear from him again . But I had spent the time between November 2009 and this last April 2011 just sort of humming along . I talked to my sister less , I texted her less and I stopped commenting on anything she wrote on Facebook about her book . In fact , when her book first came out , I got some gnarly private messages from people , so I dropped off the FB for a few months . I suppose , I could have called my sister and said some things , things like " I am deeply hurt by the book and the lies about me in the book and I don 't think I can ever forgive you for writing it , much less printing it with my real name in it . And most importantly , I will never be able to forget that the book is out there and that you thought so little of me that you wrote about me like I was less than . . . . And so our relationship is forever changed . " I didn 't say that . I didn 't say anything . And it affected us . So in April of this year , my sister sent me a private message on Facebook . Among the highlights , she and her family decided not to come to my wedding . But the best part - the part that pissed me off : I hope you can understand this message . I am not trying to hurt you back - - I love you very much and I would never want to do that . All that I ask is that you not send me a flaming message back . . . please take the time to think about what I have said and look at this from my point of view . Really ? She wrote a book and published it ! I 'm pretty sure I 've read her point of view . So after some thinking , I unfriended her on Facebook . Not terribly cool , I know , but I didn 't feel comfortable with her reading my posts anymore . In turn , she blocked My Baby B and I . And then I wrote about 10 letters back to her . The last of which I sent home with my mom , when she flew back to my sister 's house from the wedding . My final letter was about five pages long , in it I said : My initial reaction to your message on FB was to not reply at all ever . It was actually this line right here : " please take the time to think about what I have said and look at this from my point of view " that turned me off entirely . As I see it , the book you published was your point of view , and in all honesty , I 'm quite sick of your point of view and how it has affected my life . The purpose of this long letter is to tell you how I feel and to let you know if we are to ever try to act like sisters , there is a lot that has to change . And . . . While I never told you outright , I have had great difficultly talking to you , seeing you and interacting with you since the book came out . It has caused enough emotional upset for me that I don 't think I can move to a place in my life where I won 't feel upset about the book and won 't feel upset at you for so carelessly publishing it . Our relationship is broken and there are aspects of it that will never be fixed , because I won 't ever be able to forget the things you wrote . And . . . I don 't understand why you had to greatly embellish the truth to make yourself look better than everyone else . Your " epilogue " that you wanted everyone to read , saying that that would make everyone feel better about your book : Did you actually read your epilogue ? Your epilogue painted your family as Mormon brainwashed idiots who followed your greatness out of the Mormon church . I know , right ? I 'm getting a little more sarcastic here , but finally I try to end with . . . If we are ever to have a relationship , you will have to take full responsibility for your part in damaging it . You will have to accept that I will not ever fully forget what you have written and that the memoir has forever tainted our relationship . You will need to stop asking me to see things from your point of view and understand that I read your point of view and I have my own point of view , which deserves just as much credibility , despite that it was never printed or published . So there was roughly three months between her message to me and my reply and I guess , now I 'm printing my point of view now . Today in the mail , roughly two months since I sent my letter home to her , I received a package . In it were two books I had loaned my sister and my letter with her post - it on the front . And that , my dear readers and friends , is the most hypocritical thing I 've ever witnessed / read / seen . And I was married to a hypocritical man , so that 's saying a whole hell of a lot . I address my feelings , I answer my sister 's message when she wrote " all that I ask is that you not send me a flaming message back . . . please take the time to think about what I have said . " I didn 't send a flaming message and I took some time to think about it and what does she say . . . . " fuck you ! " And so that is that . I don 't have any qualms now writing about my problems with her book and I will no longer hold down my own voice about this . We will never mend this and I 'll spend the rest of my life sister - less , but it 's better this way . There is truly now NOTHING that can be said tPosted by Every generation of people have their big event . For my parents it was the assassination of John F . Kennedy . For My Baby B 's grandma , it was the Great Depression . For me it was 9 / 11 . ( And I say this with the caveat : so far it is 9 / 11 . I hope it remains that way , but you never know ) Ten years ago today , I had just moved to Oregon from Utah and my husband ( now my ex ) and I were working as apartment managers / maintenance crew for a medium - sized community in SE Portland , Oregon . I hated the job , and more importantly I really hated being back in Oregon . It was a cloudy summer , it rained a lot and I missed the sun . I had managed to quit smoking again that summer and my kidlets had started school the week before . That morning I walked down the sidewalk from my apartment to the manager 's office and I opened at 9 AM . I had not watched any TV that morning , or listened to the radio , and that was my normal routine . Once I got the kids off to school , I wanted the house quiet , so I could get ready for work and be alone with my thoughts . Mostly my thoughts were about how much I didn 't like where I lived and how much I disliked Oregon . When I got to the office , I checked the mail slot , checked the voicemail , opened the blinds and flipped on the radio on top of the filing cabinet . It was always set to Z100 , the local pop / rock station . There wasn 't any music playing , just some people talking . I didn 't pay much attention to them and started going through the rent checks and writing out the late rent notices . We lived in a crappy place that needed a heavy hand , so there was always a lot of late rent . I guess it was an hour into writing out all these forms and balancing the ledger that I realized there was still no music playing and that news reporters were talking about something . I caught a reference to San Franscisco and the towers coming down and so I started to listen . Most of my mom 's family lived ( and still lives ) in the San Fransisco area , so I wanted to know what was going on . I called my mom and she didn 't answer , so I closMan , we lit up your world like the fourth of July . Tonight I attended my son 's water polo game . I 've never been to a game before , because when he played a couple years ago , I worked and couldn 't get time off to see him . But now that I 'm among the unemployed of America , I have time to sit in a swim center , chat with my other kidlets and watch the matches . It was fun and yes , my son 's team won their game . The diss , such as it was , came when the game was over when CP 's wife , LP , said " Hi , Rory . " She says it with this tone , it 's some sort of a condescending tone , mixed with uncertainty . I 'm not her biggest fan , and she doesn 't know me from Adam ( or Eve ) , though she thinks she does because she married my ex , and of course , he only tells the whole truth and nothing but , cause he 's a good , tithe paying , temple attending Mormon man . Oh , see , I can 't even keep the sarcasm out of my writing . It 's the diss . It was fun . And though I want to feel badly , it just isn 't there . So LP said hi and I quickly said " Hi " back and looked away and started to walk out chatting with my other kids . I looked back quickly and saw LP roll her eyes and shake her head to her friend . It was sort of a " what the hell was that about and why did I deserve such rude treatment ? " Hmmmm . . . . I 'll tell you why . My last interaction with LP came via my son 's text messages back in May . I 'd just returned from a trip with My Baby B and my boys came over to visit . Well , even though LP gave her approval for my son 's visit , she decided that very same night to ( at the last minute ) shop for my son 's prom attire . Well , I didn 't know there was a prom , I didn 't know my son was going , and LP decides that I should take my son out shopping because he wasn 't at home with her . No problem , but at 8 PM at night , I wasn 't really set up to run out and rent a freaking suit . So I said , " give me some more notice and I 'm happy to help . " Her reply , " Oh , this is a perfect opportunity for you to finally act like a mom . " Excuse me ! I pushed three babies out my vagina , so I 'm pretty sure I 'm a mother . Oh wait , you mean a mom . Well , I 'd love to be a mom , LP , but you and CP rarely let my son come over , you mock the parenting plan , you sent him to military school and didn 't even list me as his mother on the paperwork , up until recently , he hadn 't spent the night in a year because you and CP didn 't let him and when he does come over you ground him for some un - Godly reason when he gets home . You rarely let him see me , yet you find the time , less than 48 hours before his prom , to chastise me for not doing more ? LP , you are just a complicit as CP in keeping my kids from me and pretending like it 's in their best interest that they weren 't around me . I mean , I am a non - Mormon after all . I 'm of the devil and going to hell and all that other crap you feed them . So I did diss you , LP . And you deserved it . You deserved a whole lot more than that , but my kids were around , and I wasn 't going to say anything within their earshot . I know , NOT trash talking someone is a foreign concept to you , LP , but it 's how I roll . Today My Baby B and I and some friends went to the Portland Pirate Festival in St . Helens , Oregon . I cannot tell you how many times we said " aaarrrgghhhhh ! " For a small town festival ( and they 'd probably dislike me calling it that ) it was a great time and the people involved really take their pirate lives seriously . The people involved set off cannons , shot old pistols , there was sword fighting and more corsets than I could shake a stick at . There was even a pirate wedding . The costumes were great , the music reminded me of The Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland , and the food was incredibly well - priced . By way of comparison , B and I went to the Oregon State Fair last weekend and paid over $ 125 on entrance , food and other stuff . Today at the Pirate Festival we paid just under $ 45 for everything . We had a great time ! Would I go again ? I would , if my kids went along , because I know they 'd enjoy it . But would B and I go on our own ? Probably not . Posted by I watched the movie The Help last night . I don 't know if I can find the words to express how that movie made me feel , but I 'll try . The story all the way around is wonderful and touching , but what got me was the very end when Aibileen hugged Mae Mobley , the two - year - old little girl she 'd been taking care of , and walked out the door . I sat there in the theater and cried my eyes out . First of all , I have to say seeing this movie in a crowded theater and listening to other people cry and sniffle is a powerful thing . I had tears falling down my cheeks on and off throughout the film , and found myself laughing and crying at the same time in many places . As a woman , my own journey has been fraught with challenges , especially around my writing , so I identified with that part of the movie . But second , and more deeply felt for me , was the mother aspect of this movie . These black women raised other people 's children and loved them so very much . I think in a way , they were hoping if they raised those children to be loving , caring and compassionate adults , they would in turn grow up to adulthood and treat their maids ( the very same women who raised them ) with that same compassion . After all , during the time period of the movie the Civil Rights movement was just a pipe dream . No one thought that in just a few short years so much about white / black life in the South would change . Which brings me to the last few mintues of the movie . At the very end Aibileen goes to work as usual and is called to the carpet , by her white bosses and fired for stealing silver , and rather than fight it , which she certainly could have , she gets ready to leave . She bends down to Mae Mobley and gives her a hugs and says , " Do you remember what I taught you ? " Mae Mobley nods and says " You is kind . You is smart . You is important . " But in her little girl world , Aibileen is her mom , and her own birth mother is a stranger to her . She doesn 't want Aibileen to leave her , but Aibileen explains that she has to . She has to go . And she does . She walks out the door to her new life and a freedom she 's never known before , and poor Mae Mobley bangs on the window screaming for her " Mama Aibi . " It took everything I had not to break down in the theater . I was frozen in sadness at my own loss , my own child who I had been separated from and I just wanted to see Aibileen turn around and run back to the house and scoop up Mae Mobley and promise to stay . As a mother to three wonderful , almost - grown children , parenting has been the hardest thing I 've ever done . Watching them grow and get jobs and drive cars and move into their own apartments ( my oldest ) , has been difficult , because in some way , I always think of them as my little kids . But like Aibileen , I 've had to let go . And I 've had to let go much sooner than I thought I would . I count my blessings Rory Kearn Since I restarted this blog , I 've decided to change some things . I will still blog about life , choices , people , etc , but with more care , because real - life people I know will read this , and I will also post about the business , work , automated income , travel , web development things I have going on in my life . I love writing , and I love writing about personal things and issues , but I also feel that there is so much going on in my life that it doesn 't make sense not to write about the more functional , practical things I do with my life . About 18 months ago , My Baby B and I started reading the book , The 4 - Hour Workweek , and we were blown away . It has pretty much changed how we work , how we answer our email , how we travel , and how we look at money and our businesses . Right now we have three businesses : One makes money , one is in development , and one was an experiment in cash - flow business that was not successful . The unsuccessful business is however , built on a fully functioning web site with payment processing . So eventually it will be recycled with a new idea . The first business : My Baby B owns a small niche business that he started on eBay as a hobby over six years ago and three years ago he turned it into a small business corporation . The trouble is that even though it meets the niche criteria for a cash - flow business , there are time - consuming aspects of the work that need to be " hands on . " We have to pick orders , package them and ship them and when new product comes in , we have to break it down , tag it , photograph it , list it on the web site and put it in the warehouse . Thanks to travel tips from lots of different books , we travel more now , but we have to have people run the business while we 're gone . So with that said , My Baby B and I have been brainstorming other cash - flow businesses that can be automated . The second business in development : We have one we 've recently started and with the right advertising and networking , it could bring in some high dollars . We 'll just have to wait and see . It is a niche business and though I have to create the web site and set up the product listings , once that is done , another company processes payments , prints the products on demand , ships them out , emails the customers and handles the customer service . One of the tips to creating a cash - flow business is that it 's easier to create a new product than to resell another product . With this business , the products are ours , and we 've found someone to make them on demand , meaning the product is made when someone orders it . We don 't need a warehouse and we don ' tThe failed third business : I created an auto - income business last year that has had zero sales . In theory it was a great niche business idea and the products were warehoused somewhere else and shipping , customer service , and emails were handled by the outsourced company . My problem was that I knew nothing about the niche . I knew enough to create the web site , list the product and hope for the best , but without a knowledge base and the ability to relate to potential customers on their level , I couldn 't market the product on forum boards , on Craigslist , or via email . I can still try paying for marketing on Google or Facebook or StumbleUpon , but this niche product was better marketed via forum boards , which is free marketing . Lesson learned . Tim Ferriss says you have to position yourself as an expert and I was certainly no expert at this niche industry . So now My Baby B and I are on to brainstorming a new idea . We know a lot about a lot , so we just have to do some research on our ideas , find out if it can be automated and once again , I can build the web site and set up the back end . By the way , my web development skills have saved us thousands of dollars already , because I can create a web site and ordering system for our ideas without spending a penny . Posted by First , we had an amazing honeymoon on the Big Island of Hawaii ( more on that in later posts ) . And it 's a shame it ended on a sour note , but Alaska Airlines and the customer service people I came into contact with today were nasty , demeaning people , and if they represent Alaska Airlines and just how much they * care ( insert sarcasm here ) for their customers , then it 'll be a cold day in hell when I willingly fly Alaska again . The main problem : We bought our plane tickets together , paid with the same credit card , and when we checked into our flight 21 hours before , using the online Alaska web site , we were given seats apart from each other . When I tried to change seats , there were no seats together . Now first of all , I find it hard to believe that everyone but me and My Baby B checked in online to select every single seat on the plane . And second , shouldn 't an airline just knowingly put people who paid together and are part of the same traveling group seated together on the plane ? Can 't someone write a computer program to make that happen ? If not , I 'm currently looking for web development work . Hint Hint Alaska . The reason this irritates me so much is that it keeps happening to us over and over again . And every time we get the same story . . . " the computer just randomly assigns seats " .... " we have no control " .... " you can ask people on the plane to switch . " And asking someone to switch usually has worked , but not today , even though my husband was wearing his " Groom " t - shirt . Our problem this time was that he and I were assigned middle seats . And the guy we asked to switch with us said no , because he didn 't want to sit in the middle . Nice . And for the entire six hour flight , he glared at me every chance he got . With his beady little eyes . So when we landed in Seattle , I went and talked to an Alaska Airlines person and asked why people who buy tickets together , don 't get seated together . And he proceeded to tell me that when I buy a plane ticket , I 'm not actually paying for a seat ! Really ! If I 'm not paying for a seatRory Kearn It 's been over three years since I 've used this blog , but I 've been putting the pieces of it back together . I re - posted most of my 2004 posts and I 'm moving on to the next years . I 've been reading them as I go and find myself amazed at the common thread in most of my early posts . . . . the Mormon church and my divorce . I 'm long past the divorce now , I 'm still an active Ex - Mormon , and I 'm happy , working for myself and best of all newly married to My Baby B . We made it through a lot of shit and were recently married . We are leaving on our honeymoon in a few days and I 'm so ready to begin this new phase of my life . My kids are practically grown . My oldest is 21 and buying beer at every restaurant we go to . My next is 18 and with a lot of help and a term at military school , will be graduating high school in January of next year . And my daughter is 17 and has just recently resurfaced in my life . We are taking it slow , talking about little things and getting re - acquainted . Life is precious . Time is precious . I started this blog seven years ago , and in looking back I realize life and time take us in wild directions , and things change and swirl in ways we never thought they would . When I read my early posts on this blog , it seems like another person wrote them and seven years seems like 700 years . What an amazing change . Posted by I am a woman , a mother , a daughter , a friend , and a wife . I work hard , I play equally as hard . I practice Bikram Yoga , I write , here and elsewhere , and I paint on rare occasion . I am an ex - Mormon , though that is not the sole purpose for this blog . I am on a journey and I have no idea where it will take me . . . . but here I go ! |
Working graveyards in a gas station seems a small price for Cory to pay to get her degree and get the hell out of her tiny town . She 's terrified of disappearing into the aimless masses of the lost and the young who haunt her neck of the woods . Until the night she actually stops looking at her books and looks up . What awaits her is a world she has only read about - one filled with fantastical creatures that she 's sure she could never be . And then Adrian walks in , bearing a wealth of pain , an agonizing secret , and a hundred and fifty years with a lover he 's afraid she won 't understand . In one breathless kiss , her entire understanding of her own worth and destiny is turned completely upside down . When her newfound world explodes into violence and Adrian 's lover - and prince - walks into the picture , she 's forced to explore feelings and abilities she 's never dreamed of . The first thing she discovers is that love doesn 't fit into nice neat little boxes . The second thing is that risking your life is nothing compared to facing who you really are - and who you 'll kill to protect . But I kept writing . And after a little bit of time , I had a book . I sent it out - - and it is probably holding up a couple of desks ( if it hasn 't been long since incinerated ) in some agent 's office , because the original manuscript was in heinous shape . There 's a lot of reasons I didn 't know how to punctuate a sentence of dialog back then - - I won 't go into them now , but they seemed perfectly reasonable then . My husband was impressed with me - - Goddess , so very impressed . " Let 's publish it ourselves ! We 'll get free copies , give one to the relatives - - it 'll be great ! " Well , it was , until that first , " Holy God , what idiot wrote THIS crap ? " review , and then suddenly I realized I 'd brazenly walked out into the literary world with my dress shoved up my pantyhose , and then I 'd bent over to pick up my wallet . The last ten years have been a struggle and a fight to get better . When Lynn and Elizabeth offered me a chance to re - publish Vulnerable and the entire Little Goddess series under DSP Productions , I cried . Oh , Goddess - - a chance to see my girl gussied up and made ready for company ? I was happy and apprehensive and proud and embarrassed - - Anne Bradstreet had it right . Setting your brainchild loose on the world is a terrifying thing , and it 's never the fault of the father , but of the mother who forgot to smooth its hair and button the pinafore and buckle the shoes . This is my first baby . She has her flaws , but I still think she 's beautiful . I am so proud . This book has a fandom already - - and the people who love it are fierce and wonderful . Jennifer Morris , who runs the Coastal Magic convention is sharing in my cover reveal . Mary Calmes and Damon Suede wrote an introduction for it that made me cry . They 're proud of me too . You can find Vulnerable : The First Book of the Little Goddess on presale at DSP Publications - - and it will be available on amazon . com on March 3rd . Especially because I 'm writing the 5th one in the series right now - - like I promised years ago . It 's been a long time coming - - bless you all for waiting . And for folks new to the idea ? Welcome to Green 's Hill . It 's everywhere I 've ever wanted to be . Black John John Carey is just out of rehab and dying inside when he gets word that Tory , the guy who loved him and broke him , has removed himself from the world in the most bitter way possible - and left John to clean up his mess . Forced back to his hometown in Florida , John 's craving a hit with every memory when he meets Tory 's neighbor . Spacey and judgmental , Galen Henderson has been rotting in his crappy apartment since a motorcycle accident robbed him of his mobility , his looks , and his boyfriend all in one mistake . Galen 's been hiding at the bottom of an oxy bottle , but when John shows up , he feels obligated to help wade through the wreckage of Tory 's life . The last thing John needs is another relationship with an addict , and the last thing Galen wants is a conscience . Both of them are shocked when they find that their battered souls can learn from and heal one another . It doesn 't hurt that they 're both getting a crash course on how growing up and getting past your worst mistakes sure beats the alternative - and that true love is something to fight to keep if your lover is fighting to love you back . Well , sort of is . There 's no escaping the fact that this book was spawned by a side character who screwed our heroes over - - he was going to have a long road to redemption . It 's hard to find a redeeming quality in someone who has done something unquestionably douchey - - until we remember our own douchey behavior in the past . Because yes - - everybody has felt spiteful , or has lashed out in pain , or has said something or done something out of pettiness . When we 're young , the action very rarely has lasting consequences . As we get older … well , the stakes are higher . When we 've built something , and have something to lose - - and something for everybody we know to lose , well , that 's a huge mistake indeed . When we last see John Carey in the Johnnies series , he 's completely undone . He 's a noseful of blow from flushing his company down the toilet , and he 's betrayed his best friend and crush pretty badly . Dex ( said best friend ) is wheeling him into rehab and he pathetically begs for Dex to stay his friend . This one isn 't for the weak , folks . John Carey is one obscenely fucked up guy , and the ex - lover he 's cleaning up was even worse than John . And the new lover looming on the horizon is getting there . But that being said , I have to admit … There were some profoundly funny moments in this book . Some moments that are still catching me by surprise . Galen - - when he 's not stoned - - is bright , funny , and just as sarcastic as John himself . John is actually extremely vulnerable , but he 's been strong all his life and letting Galen in - - especially when Galen 's an addict too - - is one of the scariest things he 's ever done in his life . These guys aren 't young . There 's no adolescent beating - down - the - door pain here . But there 's quiet bravery , surprising strength , and two characters who are well aware that you only get so many chances - - and they may both be on their last go . This felt like a slightly more grownup book than the other Johnnies books . But I hope I proved the older 30 set can have their own sort of desperate yearning - - it 's just squashed down a little more under scar tissue and fear . I like to think that means that the sunshine at the end - - and there IS a HEA , even if it doesn 't sound like there could possibly be - - shines a little brighter . John was obsessed with gum . Currently he had sixteen different packs of eight different flavors - kiwi strawberry , mint , strawberry mint , melon , green apple , fruit punch , sour cherry , and bubblegum . Dex had sent him all of it , over the past twenty - six days , by the caseload , along with his mail and the financial and personnel reports of the business John had founded from scratch . But Dex owned part of the company now , and he and his boyfriend weren 't breaking up , and their hard - earned little family wasn 't going away . And Dex seemed willing to forgive and forget , which was damned human of him , so maybe John could take a deep breath and see it through . Maybe he could salvage something of the life he 'd built in the unlikely city of Sacramento , and maybe he could keep his company in the black in spite of his best efforts to shove the whole damned thing up his nose . You know how your father and I still feel about your business and your lifestyle . We don 't forgive you , and we don 't think God will forgive you , so don 't get your hopes up . But Vanessa Petrelli asked me to tell you that Vittorio took his own life last week , and that the service will be at the end of March . He left a will that asked for you to release the ashes into the sea , and since he can 't be buried in consecrated ground , his mother said that 's fine . Nobody is going to the funeral , so you don 't need to worry about people you 'll run into . As far as the families are concerned , it 's good riddance to bad rubbish . Should you ever repent , Jesus has a place for you , but we do not . John closed his eyes and tried to block out the memory . Tory , brown hair long and hanging in his eyes a little , warm chocolate eyes laughing and hurt at the same time . How old had they been ? Twelve ? Seventh grade ? When boys had started talking about jerking off like it was both horrible and gross and the pinnacle of life as they knew it ? And John couldn 't even be mad . Because before Dex , who hadn 't loved him back , there 'd been Tory , who had . Maybe . He 'd loved John and John had loved him , John hoped , and they 'd made porn together - gorgeous , aching , sexy porn - but it hadn 't been enough . It hadn 't been enough that John had worshipped him , hadn 't been enough that John had placed him in the sun and let the world worship him . No . " I 'm not hitting on you , " John muttered , helpless and not able to fix it . God , Dex 's blond hair looked perfect , he was dressed in a slick , formfitting leather jacket and high - end jeans . John had barely gotten out of his pajamas . But he needed … . " I 'm just … . " He closed his eyes and rested his chin on the cheap laminate table . Well , it was a decent place but not the Hilton . " I … my first boyfriend died , " he said baldly . Dex 's jerk was more startled than trying to get away , so he went on . Eight years they 'd known each other , three as business partners . John had watched Dex date girl after girl while putting out for guys on camera like a born cocksucker . He 'd watched Dex have his first bitter , abusive relationship with a man , and sat there , the good friend , the confidant , full of sympathy and cookies , and the whole time he 'd been thinking , I love him . If I 'm just here like this , listening and being a good friend , he will look up and see me , and finally I 'll fill that void , that missing place where Tory used to be . John hadn 't even seen the end of that dream when it had come on camera . A gorilla with a soul patch had moved into Dex 's house right when Dex broke up with his douche bag boyfriend , who happened to be John 's dealer . John didn 't see it coming , even when Dex told him . " I … . " John closed his eyes . " I need your help . I need to figure out how to get him cremated and have his ashes dumped out at sea . " John 's lower lip quivered , and he remembered the past nearly four weeks in which he 'd been a giant oozy hole , sobbing on groups and shrinks and groups with shrinks . He 'd bought the Kool - Aid , he really had . He 'd nearly flushed his hard - forged life down the toilet - and very nearly lost his only true friend , losing himself to the thing he hated most . He was getting clean - he 'd promised himself he 'd do anything it took . He 'd told himself getting clean was a matter of mind over habit , really . The coke habit had started to keep him awake through college . Tory had succumbed because he 'd been weak and sad , and the other drugs had given him solace and dreams , but John was smarter than that . He 'd been able to just use it , just use it , just use it … . " What do you need ? " he asked seriously . " I 'm sorry about your boyfriend , John . I 'll do what I can , you know that , right ? " " I need to stay here until the day the trip is booked , " John said , knowing it was true . " I need the house in Orlando , with grocery service and maid service , and a car for as long as it takes to get this job done . " John closed his eyes and tried to organize himself . " I need plane tickets , and I need you to keep looking after my house a little longer - is that okay ? " " He 's doing good , " Dex said , smiling sincerely . Oh God - he had dimples . That was the first thought John 'd had when Dex showed up at his house to interview . Blond hair , blue eyes , and dimples . John 's stomach clenched at those dimples , even now . " Yeah . He worried us all . But Tommy says the medication is worth it , and they 're going to work hard . " Dex looked away , and John remembered that everybody had their demons . John hadn 't told Dex about Tory , and Dex hadn 't told John why he 'd picked Dex as his name and why he hadn 't faced up to being gay when he 'd spent six years fucking guys for cash . John tried really hard not to be a self - involved douche bag and squeezed Dex 's hand like he meant it . " You 'll help , " he said sincerely . " You 're good at that . " He sighed and rubbed his face with his free hand . His whiskers rasped at his palm , and given that he had red - blond stubble that didn 't grow in well or quickly , that was saying something . Dex jerked on his hand - not to break the touch but to get John 's attention , because he still wasn 't making eye contact , and they both knew that was bullshit . " You can 't , " Dex said honestly , and John thought Tory might have had the right idea . " You can 't fix it . But you might mend it . " There was a pause during which John actually ached . " You were my friend for years , John . Do you really think I can just give that up ? " So naked . Maybe the most honest thing John had said in the past year , really , since his cocaine use had gone up and his interest in any other guy had gone down . Sad , so sad , when you were surrounded by porn stars , some of them willing and happy to give a fuck - and - suck on the side , and you spent your time at home getting high and wishing for something you couldn 't have . " That you had told me , " Dex snapped bitterly . " Oh my God , John . We were friends . Do you know who I just fell in love with ? My friend . Do you think maybe it could have happened between us ? Hell , I don 't know . For a year I thought I was in love with Scott . And before that - " " I was lonely ! " Dex snarled right back , the wounded expression on his face sharp enough to dig a trench in John 's soul . " Do you think maybe I could have used someone saying they cared like that ? Do you think maybe knowing my friend thought I was gay might have helped me figure things out a little ? Jesus , John , aren 't you supposed to learn how to be honest in rehab ? We could have meant something to each other , and you just sat there and watched me eat my heart out ! You 're pissed because Kane came and picked me up from under your nose ? I was drowning under your nose , and you couldn 't have told me you loved me to save my life . So I 'm not gonna feel sorry I fell in love with someone else . I 'm not saying we would have been happy , or even that it would have been forever , but you 're damned right it could have been you . " Something held you back . And John wasn 't strong enough to do it . He wasn 't strong enough to apologize and pull back into his shell , which is what he would have done before rehab . He buried his face in his arm and just stayed there , shoulders shaking , until Dex moved . Good . He 'd driven Dex away . Great - way to go , John - Dex wrapped his arm around John 's shoulders , and John took a deep breath and cried some more . The storm shook him - not as bad as the day before , but pretty bad . When it was over , Dex kissed his temple . John smiled into his arm , feeling marginally better . " Help me get to Florida and take care of the funeral , and that 'll be my solid , " he said softly . " Thanks , David . It 's more than I deserve . " Dex shook his head and took his place across the table again . That was it . That was all John got . Now it was business as usual . " I 'm saying you 're a good guy , " Dex said patiently , and then grimaced . " Just don 't tell Kane I said that . But you are good . And you 've been watching guys fuck for years through a camera lens and not reaching for nearly enough of ' em . Maybe it 's time you thought you deserved to get some too , right ? " " Look , " he sighed , running his hand through his hair . " John , I know what it 's like to lose someone . Whatever it is about this old boyfriend that 's got you tied up in knots , maybe going away is what you need to do to untie those knots , you think ? " John blinked at him , so completely exhausted that he was willing to be led anywhere . " Sure , " he said . But in his head , he 'd already lost . He honestly didn 't think he had the strength to go back and confront Tory 's ghost alone . Tonight , Mate and I were in Chili 's for important dinner eating purposes , and there was a wait . I tapped Mate and said , " Look ! Isn 't that our post office guy ? " Now Mate gives me a ration of crap because I go into the post office and all the people know me . I 've had enough giveaways and know enough people who are out of state to send packages to , that they tell me what the best way to send my stuff is , and they 're polite , and we talk . I know who has kids , and how to make the sort of shy German fellow smile ( he has a delightful sense of humor , and is always kind , but he 's very reserved ) . The last time I was in there with Mate , this man - - in his early sixties - - chatted at me happily . They 're my people , right ? Part of it is that I 'm noticeable . I 'm a big girl , my hair is usually bright red with or without the skunk stripe , and I often wear knitwear . And part of it is that I 'm approachable . Eighteen years of teaching gave me the " I sweartagod I don 't bite ! " smile . And it 's cool . It makes me feel like I 'm home wherever I go . And I always ( don 't judge me ! ) harbor a secret hope ( it 's so douche - matic ! ) that someday , someone will recognize me from my promo - pic , and will want me to sign a book or a placemat or a napkin or something . I like to think it 'll happen . But in the meantime , I 'll just enjoy the big surprise of the people who wander into my life and talk to me . It really is a delightful part of any day ! So , the kids were home from school yesterday . I took the opportunity to take Squish shopping , and we both got our hair cut ( wherein my hair went from long and poofy and unmanageable to slightly less long and poofy and unmanageable ) and I generally spent my day doing things I put off for later . ( Including catch a tremendous sale at Bath and Bodyworks , which will leave me eyeballs deep in pleasant smelling body wash for what I hope will be another six months . ) And the thing is , it 's not a bad grind . I frequently get asked in interviews , " What 's your writing day like ? " I 'm not sure what people want to hear with that . Do they want to hear , " Well , I wake up , pump out three hours straight brilliant work , social media for a bit , and then spend my day with my personal trainer and beautify myself up for my next public appearance ? " ( Excuse me while I clean up my keyboard - - I spit up water while typing that . ) The fact is , while I am considered mildly successful in my field , my daily grind is much the same as it was when I was teaching . I spend part of my day getting my kids off to school . I spend part of my weeks making sure they participate in activities to become useful and talented human beings . I spend part of my day struggling with things like diet and exercise so that I might not become a human solid . I spend part of my day watching television with my kids , so that we can all be in the same room together , comment during the commercials , and occasionally snuggle . I try for one night a week with my Mate , and he makes it a point to go with me when I walk the dogs , so that we might continue to be Mates and not just roomMates , and I cherish those times . I carry my phone with me , so I can reply to any urgent social media , and I check my e - mail like I breathe : automatically . I cannot go to the bathroom without a cat , or a dog , or a kid following me to get my attention . Sometimes it 's a parade . But in all of this , there are few of the trappings of success I always imagined - - and we all always imagine when we hear the words " success " . There is no PA to deal with bothersome things like e - mail or guest blog posts or the whopping 60 % of accrued e - mail in my G - mail account . ( My husband is boggled by this . He doesn 't understand things like , " I don 't want to get rid of that ! " He says it explains a lot about the house . ) I still have to do my own laundry , pick up my own kids , do my own shopping , and pick up my own dry - cleaning . ( Which would be more impressive if I did dry - cleaning more than once or twice a year . ) There is no limo service , and if I was going to hire someone to clean my closets ( ala Sex in the City ) they would first have to hire a contractor to fix my bathrooms , because after years of bitching about them , they are still death traps . Yes , the whole " porn " brouhaha had blown over , as had the suffocatingly bigoted political climate that spawned the entire fiasco in the first place . I suffered a slap on the wrist suspension for what amounted to leaving a note on the board telling the students to be good for the sub . I shit you not - - when all was said and done , letting the student read the story was never mentioned . It all came down to me telling the kids I was in the doghouse and making sure they knew their grades would be held accountable to the sub . That 's what I did wrong . Yes , I missed the students . I missed talking about my subject at length . I missed not having my ass spread in measurable increments because I was living a sedentary life instead of actively teaching . But for three years , I 'd taken the kids to school , come back to my desk , and weighed the work on my laptop with an assessing eye . When I needed to turn something in for my publisher , I worked on that . When it was time to blog , I worked on that . When people asked me to blog for them , I used my own judgement for whether or not to accept the work or whether to turn it down . And then I decided what to blog about . I chose whether to visit on social media , and how to promote myself , and what project to write next . And I haven 't done a bad job of it , really . Yeah , my writing sometimes takes a left turn with projects that appeal to a limited audience , but since those projects sort of feed my writers soul , I 'm not gonna whine about that . That was my decision . Sometimes I social media too much , and sometimes I hide in my writing hole too much , but you now what ? I did what I felt I 'd be most productive with at the time . I didn 't listen to anyone who ripped me apart and disparaged me and made fun of the things I loved and said my work wasn 't good enough because not enough people hated me . I didn 't hate myself for not fitting in . I stopped being embarrassed that I could actually create the kind of writing I loved to read . I started to trust my judgement for how I spent my time and trust that the decisions I made on my own , without a band of pissy , judgey men who managed to run off every other female in the department telling me my decisions were bad just because they weren 't what those men would have done . Because , you know , those earlier behaviors were unproductive , and I got enough of that in the staff room . So , yes . I think I 've found success . It 's not income ( although I 'm humbly grateful for the ability to put my children through college and to go to conventions where I get to meet fans and fellow authors ) and it 's not visibility . And it 's not limos or PA 's or BMW 's or new shoes every week ( which I don 't have ) or a chance to go to a play more than once every five years ( which I do ) . It 's not even the occasional pedicure . It 's the ability to trust myself . It 's the ability to stand free of the soul - rotting Greek Chorus of " You can 't ! " and " Different is bad ! " and " Kindness is weakness ! " and " Being mean is being strong ! " and " Don 't work outside the herd ! " that made sitting with my students so much easier than sitting with my peers . It 's independence and self - acceptance , and a genuine joy in the thing I do , and a belief that it matters to people , and that it makes a positive difference in the world . So , it 's a little scary , answering that question , " What does your average day look like ? " . Sometimes , my average day looks like I 'm staring into space and computer surfing a lot . But after nearly four and a half years of choosing my own adventure on a daily basis , I can honestly say , I am choosing wisely . Even if a particular book doesn 't do smashingly , it was my decision to write it how I wrote it , and my work gave me joy , so I am choosing well . Each one of us wrote a novella about , of all things , a curious cookbook of which only five copies were made . Each copy was passed down and sideways through the families , and there was something … special about this cookbook . Here - - this is the blurb for the collective paperback , and it explains it all : Not much is known about the cookbook , except that years ago , the mysterious Granny B collected a set of magical recipes and wrote them down . Over the years , each book has been modified , corrected , added to , and passed down through the generations to accumulate its own unique history . The secrets behind these very special recipes are about to find their way into new hands and new lives , just when they 're needed the most . So that 's the premise each of us took - - and ran with . Now , the books in the banner are in order to how they 're going to be released - - in e - book - - in April , starting with RJ 's on April 1st , and then mine on the 8th , and Marie 's on the 13th , Amber 's on the 20th , and Mary 's on the 27th . You 'll be able to buy the novellas separately , but in case you 're a lover of the printed book , they will be available anthologized together in paperback form , under Tales of the Curious Cookbook . And , uh , for the record ? Everybody 's story is AWESOME . Here 's the blurb for mine : Fortunately for Emmett , his best friend 's mom has a cookbook that promises to give Emmett insight and good food , and Emmett is intrigued . After the cookbook follows him home , Emmett and Keegan decide to make the recipe " For Clarity " and what ensues is both very clear - and a little surprising , especially to Emmett 's girlfriend . Emmett is going to have to think hard about his past and the really important thing he forgot to tell his father if he wants to get the recipe for love just right . I love this story . It 's got a dash of sad , a helping of sugar , and it hearkens back to an unfortunate moment in my own cooking history when I swear to God , I made beet porridge . And it tasted delicious . So there you go - - ta - da ! My cover has been revealed ! And boy , I hope you enjoy the stories - - because I have to tell you , I sure did enjoy the project ! ( Do you notice that my icon is a cat and not food ? That 's because I can 't cook for crap ! Putting food on my picture felt like a big lie - - enjoy the stories , but replicate my recipes at your own risk ! ) So in the past month , we have had the following mechanical things go kablooey : the washing machine , the car , my iPod , Chicken 's laptop , Mate 's old phone . The refrigerator , the drier , and the bathroom plumbing are hanging on by a thread , and you know ? That was bad enough . But when I got the new Odyssey , it hit me : Cars - - and most machines - - have become a lot fucking smarter in the past decade . My car is smarter than me now - - mostly - - and occasionally we butt heads on certain matters , such as whether it 's polite to interrupt someone in a perfectly restful driving coma with a phone call from a telephone vendor . ( No . However , Cortana is a whore and has no shame . ) And , as the car and I are having our disputes , and my car is threatening to either drive itself or sell itself off to someone who is not as apparently inept as I am , it has occurred to me that I am either A . Not particularly savvy , technology wise , or B . Fucking cursed . I mean , I have a car and a phone and a tablet and a faithful laptop , but every day something shows up to either amaze me or piss me off . My family thinks this is hilarious - - and I have to tell you , I am fast becoming the toast of the technology helplines in a variety of fields . Heh heh … yeah . You probably think I 'm kidding . The following conversations ( or something close to them ) have occurred in the past week between myself and the nice people at … Cortana : Sure . ( And don 't you just love how condescending that is . Sure ? Like , you know , it 's MY fault , but she 'll help me out with it . ) What would you like it to say ? Me : Yes - - say , ' Is it the one for Beneath the Stain ? And should I put it on the blog ? What is Dream Readers ? ' ( Notice how I now speak Cortana , right ? ) - - SEE ? Not just me , right ? That heifer led me down the garden path , and right when I was thinking I was going to have a good conversation , BLAMMO . The " Are you texting from Mars or Lars ? " text . Uhm hm … not my fault , right ? Now , the new points system is baffling to me , but last time , I depended on the calculator on my web dash , and I was planning to do the same thing this time - - except it 's not showing up . And I 've had a moderate breakfast , and a moderate lunch , but if I don 't start writing down my menu , I 'm going to forget I 've eaten at all and try to make up for lost time . ( You think this doesn 't happen ? LOOK AT ME and find another explanation ! ) And I need a snack . Like , need some protein , because my little Patrick - ADHD brain is spinning at frog speed , and is about to jump the track . And the 20 minute conversation with tech support went something like this : Me : ( Internally ) Bird ! STring ! Spot on the ceiling ! Dog ! Dog ! Dog ! Aw … doggie … scratch the doggie … pretty doggie … love the - - Me : " No , literally - - there you are . I forgot what we were doing . Wait . No . I 've got it now . No . It 's not working . " Me : ( internally ) Brush ! Paper towels ! Do we need paper towels ? Will my concern for the environment be cheapened if I buy paper towels ? Is it worse to buy paper towels and recycle than it is to buy cloth towels and accidentally use the one you were using to wipe something off the floor as a hot pad for your husband 's soup ? Wait - - have I ever actually done that , or did I catch it in time ? Me : " Funny ? I 'm starving ! I need a snack and if I didn 't log it in , I was going to eat a pound of chocolate and call it good ! " - - So you see ? Me and tech support ? We get along , yo ? Which is good . Because there are even more sensitive moments for tech support than Weight Watchers . Like , uhm , say , when you 're trying to log into Corbin Fisher . For my non - porn watching friends , let 's just say there 's a lot of sweaty naked things going on at this website . For my straight male friends ( not sure I have any ) just stay away . You 'll sleep better at night . Now , for those of you who don 't follow me a lot online , you may want to know that I often work with a Chiwhowhat and a Shitzu napping in my sweatshirt . It 's important . I swear . - - So there you go . My adventures in tech support - - the good , the bad , and the absurd . And here I was , writing this blog , when I get a text from Chicken about her broken laptop . She needed cheering up . She posed for the camera all on her own , and I love the shot - - also , it showcases her brand new hat in all its rainbow glory : - ) We have since added a bright red pom - pom to the top , and she is working on a pair of fingerless mittens all on her own - - can I say proud again ? Yup . Doing that . Also , I am absurdly * wipes tear * touched by the image of my two daughters working side by side with knitting . I can say I gave them that : - ) Speaking of which , Chicken has gone back to her new apartment far away from everything without an hour of public transportation . Mate keeps trying to remind me that I took the bus from San Carlos to Daly City during a period of time when Daly City was scary as hell , but I seem to recall more maturity on our part at that point . Mate says I 'm imagining things , but no . I 'm sure she 's too young to be on her own . What 's the going age these days - - 25 ? 30 ? Yeah . Then . Then I won 't worry , okay ? But that worry aside , I do very much like her hair . Anyway - - on to blogging injuries and mummy dogs . So , it 's safe to say that I 'm a big girl . I mean , a BIG girl . And for the last week I 've been fighting a couple of deadlines - - editing , yes , but also guest blogs etc . , and when I get really into a groove , I lean forward in my chair and put my toes behind me , which puts an enormous amount of strain on my achilles tendon . Which , after three days of no sleep and doing that barefoot resulted in … well , a lot of frickin ' pain . And a fever . So I woke up last night , teeth chattering , barely able to walk to the bathroom , and soaked in sweat from pain . I tried to go back to sleep , but the dogs were screwing around , and one of them landed on my ankle one too many times , so I shoved the biggest one off the bed . Where he stayed . About a half - an - hour later , I couldn 't take it anymore . I use Motrin sparingly because , in fact , it makes my intestines bleed ( TMI , I 'm sorry - - also , yes . I 'm falling apart ) but I couldn 't go on like this . I asked a very patient , caring mate to go get me some Motrin and water , and he did - - leaving me in the dark , because who likes to laser - bolt their eyes . So I took the Motrin , and as Mate and I made ourselves comfy once more , I realized Johnnie hadn 't gotten back on the bed , and I felt bad . I called him up , and we heard him jump , and his feet scrabble up , and then he fell back down . He did that a few more times , and Mate was like , " Is he hurt ? " ( Cue guilt . Oh God ! One moment of irritation and I killed the frickin ' dog ! ) He was wrapped in an entire fleece blanket . One of the old ones . The edging had become separated from the blanket itself , and he had gotten wrapped inside - - probably on the ground after I pushed him off the bed . And then , when I called , he jumped on the bed mummified in an entire adult sized blanket . So this is a belated * Kermit Flail , and it 's for a writer I have been wanting to read for a while - - in a genre I haven 't seen from him yet ! John Inman is known for books like Shy ! and The Poodle Apocalypse , and both of those are known for their comedy . But John 's next endeavor comes from DSP Publications , which is all about the serious genre fiction and not quite so much about the romance or the m / m - - which makes the fact that it 's a mystery / suspense / thriller just oh so very delicious . I very much look forward to seeing this book take on the mystery genre , because the blurb sounds decadent , and any man who can write a story titled The Poodle Apocalypse has got to be able to pen one hell of a story . Everybody give it up for Mr . John Inman with Willow Man ! ! ! YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Woody Stiles has sung his country songs in every city on the map . His life is one long road trip in a never - ending quest for fame and fortune . But when his agent books him into a club in his hometown , a place he swore he would never set foot again , Woody comes face to face with a few old demons . One in particular . With memories of his childhood bombarding him from every angle , Woody must accept the fact that his old enemy , Willow Man , was not just a figment of childish imagination . With his friends at his side , now all grown up just like he is , Woody goes to battle with the killer that stole his childhood lover . Woody also learns Willow Man has been busy while he was away , destroying even more of Woody 's past . And in the midst of all this drama , Woody is stunned to find himself falling in love - something he never thought he would do again . I felt so bad when I realized what I 'd done , by the way - - but Mr . Inman graciously said that next - day ( or , in this case , next blog ) service would be okay with him . A good egg , Mr . Inman - - I 'm so hoping this book explodes off the frickin ' charts . ( And yes . Bought my copy . Will I have time to read it ? Mmmm … but I have the HOPE that I will have time to read it . Hope is everything , right ? ) Well , I 've been sort of eyeballs deep in work , including three projects I didn 't push myself to complete over winter break , when the kids were home and I got NO time to myself , and are now jumping up in my face like jack - in - the - boxes going " HEY ! HELLO ! YOU ' RE FRICKIN ' LATE ! " to which I respond " AUUUUUUGHHHHHHH ! ! ! ! Why would you DO that ? " and continue to work on the OTHER late thing that was absorbing my interest before the fuckin ' jack - in - the - box . But Chicken is only here for a couple more days , and I have spent some time watching television and movies with my family , and the following happened the other night and we 're still laughing about it . The dogs sit with me as I watch television . Yes , it makes knitting more difficult than necessary , but I soldier on . They usually fall into the gap between my ass and the chair , Johnnie on the bottom and Goeffie ( who weights a whole four pounds right now ) on the top . The other night , after a long , cold , walk , Johnnie wormed his way out and onto the ground , leaving Geoffie to fall into the black hole right behind my behind . Squish came over ask if she could hold Geoffie , and I reached behind me and handed Geoffie over , and Chicken almost fell out of her chair laughing . Then there was this - - I posted an article about how hard it was to get research and details down , especially when you 're not predisposed to notice details anyway . * Sheepishly raises hand * . For the most part , people took the article in the spirit for which it was intended - - that we 'd never stop trying to get things right , but that we had to forgive ourselves for basic human error or we 'd never keep writing . But one of the commenters sort of , well , latched onto a detail and I thought I should explain . No . I have not eaten with my family at my kitchen table for around five years - - ever since the writing got really involved . My computer is here , the printer , the scanner , basically my office is here . For some gatherings , I clean off my office , put all my stuff on one chair , and put chips , dip , and parts of a potluck on the table - - but the fact remains , all the stuff that was on the table is on a chair , and we still can 't gather round to eat . We eat in the living room , which does explain why my children sometime have the table manners of Chimpanzees on Sugar Day at the zoo . I have a friend - - Roxie - - at Sannasbag . blogspot . com - - who routinely sets a beautiful table with personalized china and napkins with individual napkin rings , each setting gleaned from garage sales and estate sales , and she shows pictures . They are so lovely - - so gracious . I admire them to the depths of my soul . I am , in fact , the person who almost wet myself when Chicken came in having just completed this hat as a present for a friend . " See mom , it 's … oh my God ! It looks like a penis ! " Well , not when it 's on . When it 's on , it looks just like the had Double Dee from Ed , Edd , and Eddie had , which is exactly what she was going for . Good job , Chicken ! And that 's where I 'll sign off - - it 's been a rough transition back to school , the kids have been late every day but one so far , and the puppy has decided that every day is crap day ! ( We have no idea where she craps , either , until we step in it . Puppies - - there 's a reason they 're lumped in with snips and snails , that 's for sure . ) I am finally getting work done - - but unfortunately , very little of it is fiction . But when I am writing fiction ? I 'm sorry - - I should have done this a while ago , but time got away from me . I had to withdraw from GRL this year . I had an opportunity . . . So , today was sort of a day of rest . The fam has been going balls out , and seriously - - a day to just chill was needed . But that didn 't s . . . I am creative , distracted , and terribly weird . I love my children to distraction , and I love my hobbies even when they piss me off . I come from a double line of extremely creative , intelligent people who hated authority so much they dodged higher education , and I married a wonderful man who is quiet , conservative , devestatingly funny , and perfect . Our children are constant reminders that God and Goddess have a profound sense of humor , and that all of the things you dislike most about yourself but pretend don 't exist really do come back on the karmic wheel to kick your ass when you least expect it . My family keeps me young and humble and I try every day to make them proud . I 've written a LOT of books - - I can 't even count anymore , most of them for Dreamspinner Press and Riptide Press , but some of them published on my own . I write to placate the voices in my head , profanity is the element I swim in , and knitting socks at stoplights has become my twitch . |
The run up to this exclusive began when I was a young child . I have never forgotten my beloved dad once telling me that the Queen , when out on royal visits , has a very special member of her household who always accompanies her and always walks just a little behind Her Majesty . My dad then went on to tell me that , should the Queen ever " do a frump " , ( his word for fart ) , she would never have to be embarrassed by it as this chap had the job of apologising loudly and claiming that it was him what did it . Extending on his theme , my dad also told the gullible daughter , ( me ) , that there was , employed at Buckingham Palace , an official , ( trying to be delicate here ) , Royal " botty wiper " to the Queen . In other words , ( in case you didn 't catch on ) , Her Majesty didn 't have to do this base task herself . This is the answer I was given : My dad lied to me about there being a Royal Botty Wiper . I have to say that I was strangely " relieved " to hear this ! Now onto burning issue " number two " , ( sorry , I just can 't help myself ) , the chap who walks behind the Queen just in case . Guess what ? Apparently my dad lied to me again . In fact , now I 'm thinking about it , isn 't Prince Phillip the chap who always walks behind the Queen ? ? ? ? Anyway , there 's more . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Much to my absolute delight , my inner circle source went on to share the following , s / he alleged that the Queen often " frumps " at the dinner table ! As a small additional insight into my life I thought I would just add that although I have never been to Buckingham Palace , I have been to a social gathering at Number 10 when Tony Blair was P . M . During the evening Cherie Blair came over to tell me how much she liked my frock ( I was pleased , the damn thing cost a fortune ) . The first thing that struck me was what an attractive woman she is in real life , stunning ! . Anyway , we got chatting and , me being me , I told her that my mum had asked me to report back on what colour the curtains were . Whilst I thought my mum 's request was totally bizarre , Cherie immediately seemed to understand my mother 's need and happily told me to wander around various rooms which we were using that evening and also advised me to get hold of the curtains and feel the weight of them ! She also identified which windows in what room looked out over the garden and apologised for the mess created by the children 's garden play things , she also told me where to look to see the snowman Tony had built for his youngest that day . I really think that this delightful and vivacious lady would have got on fabulously with my mum ! Assuming she hasn 't already be deported back to England , my mother is in Paris . She will be easy to recognise by any Parisian , she is accompanied by my amazingly tolerant step - father who I can honestly say is one of the most naturally intelligent people I have met ( yet he still married my mum ? ? ? ! ! ? ) . With them is my sister - in - law and my brother . Mum is in her early 70 's and is the one speaking the world 's worst French and being absolutely certain it is just the people of Paris who are being bloody minded when they act as though they don 't understand a word . My brother is the caveman with the broad Yorkshire accent which has quite likely become even broader just for the sheer hell of it . My sister - in - law is that woman who keeps trying to walk off in the other direction without them noticing and my step - father is the one who is simply nodding and smiling at mostly everything due to the fact that he won 't admit he is deaf . Either that or he and my mum will be engaged in bickering and arguing but neither really listening to the other due to the fact that my mother will also not admit she is deaf . This is mum 's first time abroad and she was panicking about leaving England behind for weeks in advance . She also decided that the French would go on strike anyway so there would be delays in the journey and she was never going to set foot outside England again ( once more , this being weeks before the actual trip ) . You may wonder why on earth are they in Paris at all ? Well , my step - dad persuaded my mum somehow that it would be a wonderful gift for my brother and sister - in - law 's 25th wedding anniversary . Of course , once everything was booked , paid and confirmed , that 's when my mum and step - dad found out they were two years early . My brother and sister - in - law had simply kept quiet on that one ! Obviously , one of the precursors to this whole thing was my mum , after all these years , having to get a passport . It took months ! Her advice to me ? I decided to close the French Windows leading onto our garden . It also matters that you know that I still had the door to another room , which also leads onto the garden but from a different direction , open . As it had been all day . Harmony ( the farting chicken ) and I have been giving the wildlife pond it 's spring clean today . This entails me fishing around in the pond with my kiddies fishing net scooping out any leaf fall , loose algae , twigs , chicken feathers , bark chippings kicked into the pond by the chickens etc . At the same time , every net full has to be carefully gone through by myself in order to rescue any pond life I have accidentally caught , but primarily to make sure I return any of the too many newts which live there . Not an easy task when the newts like to hide in the same crap I am scooping out and range from the fully grown right down to babies mere millimetre 's in length . Harmony 's task ( self imposed ) is to stay by my feet and wait for me to check my net then occasionally throw the contents down for her so that she can double check . Course , she doesn 't do much in the way of throwing any pond life back . She 's more of the eat it , eat it now brigade . If she thinks I am placing too many net fulls in the trug and not enough down her way , she reminds me by either pecking at my feet or tapping on the side of the trug three times . This " three taps " signal is one which I taught her when she joined us last year and which she soon learnt meant I was indicating I had found something tasty for her , such as a worm . Three taps and she 's there like a shot ! Bit of a shock , though , when she started using it back at me . Three taps on the side of the trug from her roughly translates into , " Oi . Don 't forget I 'm here . I want some . It 's my turn . Stop chucking it all in the trug . " Being a relative newcomer to having pet chickens , I have to assume that other people 's pet chickens also make their wishes known in this kind of way ? Yes ? . . . No ? . . . It can 't possibly just be my lot , that would be daft ! Anyway , the highlight of this morning 's labours for Harmony was when I dredged up a full Hydrangea head from the bottom of the pond , ( just to clarify , we haven 't got any Hydrangeas in this garden ) . The whole thing was chock full of " greeblies " ( bottom of the foPosted by Sure enough , it 's been a couple of months and he has now been to the optician 's . On his return he walked into the house with a cry of " I 'm blind ! " For a while when I asked what the optician had said I simply got a repeat of " I 'm blind , " but now he added in things like " Please pour me a coffee , I 'm blind you know " . " Give me a kiss , ' cos I 'm blind . " , etc . . Turns out that what he actually meant was that he did indeed need reading glasses , but he actually needed the lowest strength possible . Not that this has deterred him from trying to use his supposed " blindness " to get me to do things for him . Obviously , it doesn 't work . As always his distance vision was described as " exceptional " , but this time the optician added the killer line " considering your age " . I thought it was funny , the hubby not so sure . ( Please allow me to hurriedly clarify that both of us have a long long way to go before we become pensioners ) . Personally I have been short - sighted since age 9 but never managed to get used to wearing glasses , I can 't shake the feeling that everyone is staring at me simply because I have glasses on . Thank God for contact lenses . Given his recent blindness and me laughing at him , the hubby kindly reminded me of one occasion prior to us getting married when I was not registered with an optician and was way overdue for an eye test . I knew I needed one because the glasses I had were no longer working as well as they should . So , whilst on a shopping trip with the hubby , when I noticed an opticians , I decided to pop in and book an eye test . Walking ahead of the hubby , I gaily opened the door to the opticians and , as the two receptionists looked up to see who had entered , I tripped up the step just inside the doorway which I had not noticed , fell full length and ended up laid flat on the floor in front of the reception desk . From where I lay I looked up at the two women and said , " I need to book an eye test . " All I heard then were peels of hysterical laughter from the receptionists . Totally embarrassed I scrambled upright , turned to leave , pulled at the door although the sign said push and wondered where the hell the hubby had gone . Needless to say I didn 't register with that particular optician 's . I recall that I didn 't talk to the hubby for a while either , not that he was in any fit state to talk to . He just kept bursting into laughter and telling me which of our friends he was going to ring in order to share my misfortune . One night , initially without my knowledge , our toothless cat brought a mouse into the house . Obviously , due to Fey 's lack of teeth the mouse was alive and undamaged , just soggy . A few days later when said mouse was spotted , I put down a humane trap and caught it . I deposited it back in the garden near where I knew there were three little field mice nesting . I think that what must have happened from there is that " Gary " ( as I had named him ) , then told all his pals about this nice warm place to live where the kind humans had even provided a lovely , dry , fluffy bed area safely out of reach of the cat or the dogs ( and Harmony when she is in the house ) . So , Gary and his mates moved in . So far I have caught one a day for the last five days . Of course , I am assuming these were five different mice and not just Gary determinedly coming home every time I throw him out . Trixi has stuck with the view that this is her role in life much to the amusement of the hubby and myself . Trixi is bigger now , dwarfing even Harmony our ex - battery chicken . She is now twice the size of her self proclaimed mother , Drew our bantam silky . Not that this has stopped Drew from putting Trixi in her place when she thinks Trixi needs it . Drew gives Trixi a good couple of sharp pecks to the legs by way of telling her off , ( really by now Trixi 's legs are all Drew can reach ) . Despite the size difference , Trixi continues to defer to Drew and she is still very wary of our younger dog , Myka . Anything else though has to watch out . I have noticed that our cat , Fey , tends to begin to walk slowly , her belly close to the ground , her eyes never leaving Trixi as Fey carefully walks in another direction . I 'm not sure if this is because Trixi has already begun to chase her , or whether Fey just thinks she might ! Whenever the three " ladies " are having their freedom of the whole garden times , Trixi always , at some point , manages to sneak away from Drew 's watchful gaze and head over to the wildlife pond area . This is where you will usually find Harmony when she is not in our house sat on the sofa or asleep in one of the dog 's beds , ( a couple of days ago whilst my mum and step - dad were visiting she appeared from nowhere and flew up onto the top of the cooker . My step - dad asked if that was what the hubby and I were having for our evening meal ) . The hubby and I have now noticed that when Trixi is pottering around the pond , the doves appear . They then seem to take it in turns to land on the opposite side of the pond to wherever Trixi is and wait . Obviously Trixi spots them , she immediately puts her head down like a charging bull and races around the pond towards them . Just before she reaches them , the doves fly across the pond and land so they are at the opposite side to Trixi again . Undeterred Trix puts her head down and sets of again at mac 9 ( this is one very high speed chicken ) and the doves once again wait until the last moment then fly back over the pond , land and wait for Trixi to have another go . This game can go on for quite a while and poor old Trixi hasn 't yet learnt to know when she is beaten . More recently the doves appear to have added another element of frustration for Trixi into the game which I think highlights what an evil sense of humour doves can have . Like all garden wildlife ponds , mine has a " deep " end and a shallow end which becomes almost a cobble beach . This allows any wildlife to safely use the pond for drinking or bathing and provided an escape route for anything accidentally falling into the pond ( unless it 's Harmony who was the one that confirmed chicken 's can 't swim ) . I have also placed a couple of small rock " islands " that most of the birds often use as a landing point when they want a drink . If Trixi wanted to stand on this little island she would either have to paddle a distance of 15cm or take two flaps to fly onto it . No way is she going to paddle and the doves seem to know this , so to add to their game they sometimes land on the island . Trixi races around to that side of the pond , then grinds to a halt and gives the kind of confused look that only a chicken can give when the doves don 't fly away , they simply look at her as though daring her to enter the water . Yesterday one of the doves waited for Trixi to run round , then casually turned it 's back on her and began to have a drink . I would say this was a clear dove two Posted by Until January this year I was a Blog Virgin . It 's the Hubby who kept saying " why don 't you have a go at blogging ? I think you 'll enjoy it . " ( Personally I think he was just looking for ways to give his own ears a rest from my constant verbal diarrhoea ) . So that 's how this wee page started ; but I got to thinking during writing my last post that , once again , I am way behind the times and totally not trendy . Whilst I 've only just begun to Blog , the rest of the world is Twittering ( or is it Tweeting ? ) and Facebooking . I have actually tried Facebooking , simply because all the people we know kept saying they had tried to contact us by Facebook and we were getting loads of emails also telling us that such - a - bod wanted to add us to their Friend 's list . GOD , it was sooooo boring ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! I just didn 't get it . Why did people think I wanted to know what they had for dinner that day ? Why was it important to tell me what film they were planning to watch on TV that night ? Or that they had just had the car MOT 'd ? Why the hell were perfectly sane ( to a point ) people taking the time to log on in order to amaze me with these kinds of revelations ? I did put a post up asking them all whether this was how it usually was and did I myself have to tell them things like I had got out of bed that day ? The answer was yes ( apart from one mate who asked what colour my navel fluff was - I told him purple , just like everyone else 's ) . So , finally deciding that I really didn 't care who was having sausage for tea , I gave up . I have now decided that maybe the other methods are for people who either have very little happen in their day to day lives , or they simply have a need to feel " connected " . I tell myself , however , that those who still blog are those people of a slightly higher intellect and who have interesting things to share but don 't need to feel the world is looking at them . This being the case I ended my ponderings with the final thought of " so why on earth do I " blog " ? ? ? ! ! ! ? I mentioned in a previous blog that my dog , Bryn , had undergone surgery ( yet again ) on one of his hind knees . For a couple of days after he refused to eat or drink . Then came the fight to get tablets down him every day , closely followed by the mystery of how he was able to vomit out much more than he was taking in . Being pretty much experts in Bryn nursing , I took him off his post - op painkiller and back on to his pre - op ones . Vomiting ceased and Bryn began to show interest in food and water . he made it clear in the evenings that he wanted to play , ( even though he still had to lay down so we made up lots of laying down games ) . He has had visits from his favorite ( human ) Aunt and Uncles and , more recently , has taken himself outside to sit in the garden . It 's still uncertain how much mobility he will regain and he faces yet more surgery in the near future but , however old my boy is , whilst he is happy and playful and interested we will consider whatever treatment is necessary . The hubby says that in choosing to have a dog you and the dog are entering into a life - time contract . The dog will be devoted to you , loyal , protective , a comfort and your best friend . You 're end of the bargain is to ensure all the dog 's needs are met and to love him . Sadly for dogs , whilst they try to uphold their end of the bargain no matter how their human treats them , too many dogs ( and other animals ) end up with sub - humans / dicks / morons ( insert derogatory word of your own choice ) as their owners . As the saying goes , there is no such thing as a bad dog . . . . . . Usually when considering something new or a change within the home , one of us raises it , we then discuss it and put forward each of our views , the Hubby then steps back and lets me have my way . There has been the rare occasion when I have either given in or graciously said " You choose Darling . " For example , I have always wanted a Rowen tree both to remind me of Scotland and because I love the way their berries seem to glow in the Autumn sun . Finally we went to buy one . It came down to two , one of which I preferred , the other of which the Hubby liked . Both were slightly different species of Rowen . Feeling generous I agreed to go with the Hubby 's preference , even though I had pointed out to him that there were no signs of his preferred choice having had blossom on it and , therefore , it may not produce berries . Same thing with our house . When were looking round at properties he kept showing me a picture of a house in another town and I kept refusing to go look at it , pointing out the brick box nature of it ( as well as the town it is in ) . You have to bear in mind that we were moving on from our first house , a 150 year old cottage which I loved with all my heart . I wanted either something very similar or at least a house with some character . Eventually I gave in and we went to view the place we now live in . Although the house was a brick box , the garden was a very good size and had lots of potential due to the fact that it was just grass and cheap pebbles at that time . One side looked over open fields ( as has every home I have ever lived in ) and there was even a walker 's trail running past the back of it . The ( then ) owners told us about the trail leading to woodland and the river which runs nearby . The hubby pointed out that we would simply treat it as a short term stepping stone for a couple of years , then we would move back to an older property ( house prices at that time were always going up ) . Thinking of the garden , our dog Bryn and the cats , I agreed . Seven years on , still here . Waiting for some kind of long term house market recovery but with a new government in situ who have only ever previously evidenced massive rises in interest rates and so in mortgage rates , vast numbers of homes re - possessed , increased employment insecurity etc . I would love to trust it will be different this time , but the signs aren 't there yet so it seems we 're still stuck here . So now we are looking for a chicken and Trixi is presented to us . I had been very clear that I did not want either a black or a white chicken . The Hubby and the seller pointed out her lovely black markings amongst her dark grey ( I wasn 't as impressed as they appeared to be ) . My main concern was that our new family member should be a breed that is known to be placid , friendly and to quickly become tame . Back to the present . . . . . Trixi is growing , boy is she growing . I don 't know how old chickens are when they stop growing , but I hope it 's soon . I swear she is some kind of chicken / emu cross - breed . She is being willful and sometimes refuses to play the role of Drew 's baby , leaving little Drew frustrated and upset . Even worse , she keeps wandering off with our ex - battery chicken , Harmony . Drew visibly becomes anxious when she can 't see where Trixi is . Trixi is also a sprinter , she has long powerful legs and she can really motivate . Very recently she has added in wing flapping and when she takes off she actually looks like she 's flying , unlike normal chickens . I have also noticed that Trixi likes to be high up , sitting on logs and branches which put her much higher than Harmony and Drew , again worrying little Drew . She does not like having to spend time in the chicken run , she thinks she should always be allowed the free run of the whole garden . When I go to get the girls up in a morning , she has now begun to barge past the other two to be first out of the hen house . On top of all this , she seems to have become very territorial . She has decided that she has no wish to share her garden with the wild birds who regularly come to feed and also nest there so the majority of her garden time is devoted to racing towards any wild bird who dares to try to land anywhere at all in the garden . She doesn 't just take them on in one 's either , not our Trixi . Bring on the flock , she 'll have ' em all ! For the dozens of birds from a wide range of varieties who visit daily it has definitely become a case of " Bugger the Sparrowhawk , watch out for that bloody chicken . . . " I blame the Hubby ( and obviously myself for stupidly letting him decide ) . I also blame Trixi herself for not reading and complying with the rules of her breed . What placid and friendly nature ? ? Tell that to the Yellowhammers . . In my working life I am a child mental health specialist , although I am also a qualified General Nurse ( something I usually don 't admit to ) . In my career I have worked with ages spanning birth to grave and in a wide variety of fields ; I am also a professional trainer and a semi professional artist and photographer . I am into vintage jewellery and clothes ( my wardrobe is like a second hand shop ) . I totally love collecting pebbles and rocks ; everyone I know has been trained to bring me back a pebble or a shell from wherever they go on holiday and that has lead to some amazing things . I can spend happy hours on a beach fossil hunting . I mess around at golf ( I only go to drive the buggy really ) . Obviously I love animals and wildlife , however , I don 't like things that fall into my category of " having no feet " . This generally involves arachnids and most insects . Some people try to tell me they have feet . No they don 't . Their multitude of legs tend to end in pointy bits and I 've never yet seen any of them wearing shoes . That 's because they can 't , due to having no feet . Things that simply don 't bother with legs either , such as snakes , I quite like . Oh , and by the way , spiders , no . . . . . they are not more afraid of me than I am of them , otherwise they would run in the opposite direction instead of always racing towards me ! What else ? ? ? Oh yes , I have my nerdy side , I like D & D , I watch & read Sci - fi and fantasy and , even worse , I am a regular LARPer . There , I said it ! Of course , me being me I have to go ahead and have every symptom possible and even one or two that were a surprise to my specialist . I have to say , getting to see a specialist when I first realised what was actually going on with my body , ( thank you Discovery channel ) , was fun . I 'm pretty sure I 'm not the only one who 's gone to see their GP and found themselves having to patiently explain to the Doc the difference between some of your symptoms and those of Schizophrenia in order to reassure them that you are not suffering the latter ! Things have been a tad hectic of late for everyone , beginning with the arrival of Trixi . Trixi is the new girl on the block who has joined the ladies , Harmony and Drew . Although only 16 weeks old , she was already as big as Harmony . Harmony however took but a split second to launch in to teaching the upstart just who wears the tiara around here . Three days . Three whole days . Drew , who had straight away decided that Trixi must be her new baby ( despite Drew being a bantam and already smaller than Trixi ) desperately tried to herd young Trixi into the hen house for safety . Trixi , of course , had only just landed so the hen house was not yet familiar to her . When Trixi failed to understand Drew 's intent ( probably due to being distracted by Harmony sitting on Trixi 's back and plucking her - yes , P , for plucking ) Drew began to tell Harmony off , very loudly and for a good long while . Trixi , meantime , found a small corner into which she stuck her head so that Harmony could only pluck at Trixi 's behind . I think bed time was a relief for all concerned . Finally the girls have now got the pecking order sorted , including Trixi accepting her role as Drew 's baby . Two weeks on and this has become quite comical as Trixi is now nearly twice Drew 's size , taller than Harmony and appears to have the legs ( and certainly the running style ) of an ostrich . As my hubby commented , " we 're gonna need a bigger hen house . . . " All three of the ladies were having their free run of the garden time . As usual Drew and Trixi were pottering together whilst Harmony was off by her second favorite area , around the wildlife pond . ( This used to be her favorite area , but that honour now belongs to the kitchen and lounge ) . I was indoors when the peace was shattered by Drew 's tantrum as she kicked off squawking and clucking in her " Eeek , warning , warning , everybody take cover ! " voice . When I looked out of the window Drew and Trixi had withdrawn into the chicken run ( although Drew was keeping up her alarm call ) . Harmony was stood motionless at the base of our large spruce and , out in the open , sat as bold as you like on one of the decking posts was a very handsome male Sparrowhawk . He was completely unconcerned about Drew 's noise and simply sat preening himself in the sun . . . . . for about half an hour ! Eventually he swooped onto one of the branches of the spruce which took him out of Drew 's view , at which point she shut up thankfully . Of course , poor old Harm now had a Sparrowhawk sat not far above her head . She quietly moved herself further back under the tree . In total the sparrowhawk stayed around an hour and seemed chilled and relaxed . I did have the opportunity to check for signs of a ring or anything around his legs but there were none , this is a wild bird . Since then he has visited more or less daily , never bothering to show any interest in the chickens , I assume this is because they are roughly the same size . He has helpfully posed for the odd photo and seems simply happy to sit and relax for a while . All our other garden visitors quietly disappear whilst he is around but don 't take long to return once he has gone on his way . He 's starting to become quite a common sight and we treat him as just another of our regular wild bird visitors . From being a foundling pup and suffering from long bone disease ( he initially grew too quickly for the joints in his legs to keep up ) we were warned he would suffer arthritis in later life . This was compounded when he suffered a traumatic injury whilst spinning to get away from a smaller dog who had decided to have a go . Bryn needed major surgery to the cruciate ligaments of one hind leg . Three years later the cruciate in his other hind leg finally gave way needing further surgery . Eventually the second surgical intervention became weakened and so he has just had his third cruciate op , with plans for more surgery in the near future as he also has a slipped disc , ( Thank God for Petplan ) . Since the surgery earlier this week he has really not shown an interest in much at all . More worryingly he refused to drink for two days and has only managed 3 small meals . He would simply not move from his bed if we allowed it . For my boy to be so uninterested in anything is totally out of character for him and extremely upsetting . Fortunately I took leave from work so I am with him all day at the moment . I have found that he likes me to lay alongside him and gently groom him . Obviously myself and my hubby are keeping a close eye and he is being monitored by his vet Louise . Updates as they occur . Signing off to go have a minor tearful moment now . Myka , the youngest of our two dogs , came to live with us from an animal rescue centre as a 12 week old puppy who had clearly been removed from her mother too young , had by that point had two further addresses before ending up left at the centre and had clearly suffered some abuse . We wanted an older dog , something the same age as Bryn but the rescue centre simply took us " round the back " to introduce us to the pup they wanted us to have despite my protests of " But I never ever want a puppy again ! " . ( This was because when Bryn ended up coming to live with us after being dumped in a bin at around 8 weeks old he was my first dog , I much preferred cats . I have never forgotten the 3 months of Post Natal Depression which I went through with Bryn ) . Anyway , we ended up with this scraggy sorry looking little thing who 's heritage was questionable . She 's now 7 and turned out to be a natural born comic , completely unladylike and a totally stinky muck magnet . Good job we love her ( so does Bryn by the way ) . When we first took her to our vet for her vaccinations , Louise looked at her trotting along at the side of us and said " Ooo . Designer shabby chique ! " had always assumed he was a little dog and had never figured out that his teeth were for anything other than eating dinner and tearing chewy toys apart . This is the boy who was chased up the lane by a chauwawa ( or however you spell it ) . The same boy who seemed to firmly believe that if he sat behind a Daffodil , you couldn 't see him , the same boy who frequently had me chewing my knuckles in frustration whenever he decided to be an adolescent and the same boy who spends his evenings sat on the floor of the lounge staring at me . . . . . . all evening . . . . . . . every evening ! It is Myka who finally , ( and unfortunately ) taught Bryn that a dog 's job is to bark furiously if anyone dares to walk past the house or use the public pathway at the side of the house , or chat as they stroll along the Trans Pennine route running along the back of the garden or if any other dog is walked past our house . Bryn is nearly 12 but after all these years I still damn near have heart failure when he barks unexpectedly . As big as he is , his bark is even bigger . It is because of Myka that Bryn discovered what his teeth can be used for . Despite both my dogs being on leads Myka was targeted and attacked by a ( oh God , I wish I could spell ) Wiemeraner ( tall , good looking grey thing ) and a collie when she was around 20 weeks old . Somehow and whilst still on the lead with me trying to get my dogs away and " politely " advising the other dogs ' ( male ) owner to take control of his pair ; Myka simply flipped the , by now astonished , Wiemerama straight onto it 's back . I felt a tug , dropped Myka 's lead and , very luckily , managed to grab Bryn 's collar in one hand and use his lead in the other to haul Bryn 's head back as he suddenly went full on for the attacking dog 's throat . He missed by a hairsbreadth . Both the other dog 's realised their mistake and ran whilst they could . From that point on Bryn seemed to realise that he wasn 't actually a pint sized pup and that , if needs be , he didn 't necessarily have to run away like he had before if another dog glared at him . Thanks a bundle Myka ! Last weekend I decided enough is enough , Myka was just going to have to learn to behave , that chasing or attacking the chickens is not acceptable and that everyone can be in the garden together if she follows these rules . So I went for it . I was in the garden working & I had let the chicken out to wander free . I then took a deep breath and opened the French windows where Myka was , as usual , sat staring at the chickens like they were dog TV . Luckily Myka is very responsive to commands and tone of voice , so I made sure that I knew , ( and that Myka knew I knew ) , where she was in relation to the chickens . I kept saying things like " Steady Myka , leave it , good girl , settle , no etc etc . My Bantam Drew was a little uppity and avoided being in the same space as Myka ( which obviously made Myka more interested in her than in Harmony ) . Harmony remained cool and casual , although she did get a tad " huffy " whenever Myka tried to sniff Harmony 's bum . Currently Harmony is sat asleep in the kitchen where she has discovered the central heating radiator and apparently it 's just the best thing ever and it 's lovely and warm and it 's everything a chicken could desire and she 's finally inside the place where the Big Chicken ( me ) goes . Myka , meanwhile , is very happily sat in the chicken run . Ho hum . Drucilla is my bantam Silky chiken . Anyone who knows chickens will know that Silky 's hold the world record for broodiness . Drew can spend up to 6 weeks at a time sitting on an imaginary egg . These periods call for special attention , otherwise she would not move to eat or drink . I think we 've been quite creative in our methods of shaking her out of it . For example , taking her for a run around the block in the car seems to work . Throwing her out of the hen house and shutting everything so she can 't get back in has some effect , as does not letting her go to bed until after dark . Last weekend we decided to have a move around in Drew and Harmony 's enclosure , including changing the position of the chicken house . Harmony was truely facinated and extremely ( un ) helpful as ever . Drew though was in mid brood on her usual imaginary egg and had no intention of leaving the house . We figured we might as well leave her in there whilst we spring cleaned , so we closed the chicken house door and carefully moved it with her still inside . Oops . Now Drew does regularly feel it is her task to take on the role of cockeral on Sunday mornings . She climbs up onto a rock in the enclosure and starts to give it her best cockadoodledoo , ( strange from a chicken but she 's actually not bad at it ) . I know from this that little Drew can kick up a volume , but really . . . . . . . who knew chickens could shriek their way through the sound barrier ? ? ? When we were done I encouraged to come out of the house . She got to the door way , slowley looked around and the shrieking began ! All my attempts to get her to shut up failed . Harmony ran into a corner and there she stayed looking from Drew to me and back . The volume was enough to bring one of the neighbours across the road out to see what on earth was happening . Drew by now had stomped down the new gangplank to her doorway and was inspecting every edge of the enclosure , checking where her rock was , having a quick peck in various bowls to check the whereabouts of her food , grit and water , staring into the dirt bath bowl and sharpening her beak on each of the logs that are around for them to climb up and perch on . My husband 's favorite saying is " I 'll promise not to try to fix my car if the mechanic promises not to do therapy . " ( After all , this is the man who couldn 't get the car to start so called the AA who suggested that petrol might be helpful ) . Despite this I thought that even he could block out a draft coming from near the base of the kitchen sink unit . He set to work and pronounced the job completed and I admit I could no longer feel a floor level cold draft . The following day I was filling the washing machine and spotted an item of clothing I had missed . I reached to pick it up and found myself pulling a pair of hubby 's jogging bottems out from under the sink unit ! On closer inspection I could also see what looked like one of his jumpers and another unidentified item of his clothing . He admitted that stuffing these under the sink unit was his answer to the draft . As I sat down laughing he protested " but it worked ! " And so it did . . . until he washed the pots and I noticed a speading patch of water from under the unit . Yup , he 's cured the draft in his own inventive way , but now we have a flood every time the sink is emptied because , I assume , he has knocked something loose . Trouble is , he can 't figure out what . Anyone who lives with ex - battery hens will know how super inquisative , tame and entertaining they are . Mine is called Harmony . Amongst her other attributes she has an Attachment Disorder , she thinks I 'm her " Big Chicken " . She follows me wherever I go . In fact she follows me very very closely . She hasn 't learnt to back off , despite being stood on a number of times . If I appear whilst she is out and about in the garden instead of inside her run with my bantam Drew , she races towards me and boy can she get a speed up ! She is always there to " help " when I am cleaning out the chicken house and the run . I fill the trug with the old bedding , she kicks it out again . She gets depressed if she doesn 't see me and stops laying . She starts again as soon as I spend time with her . She recognises the sound of the car , answers to her name and knows which window to stare through if I am indoors . More spookily , we have a communication system which we both use to attract each other 's attention - welcome to my world ! Harmony loves hanging around by my small wildlife pond , especially if I am there keeping it tidy . Even when I am indoors , she generally makes her way to the pond to potter around . This year is Harmony 's first winter with us . On the day she discovered the pond frozen . I glanced out of the window to see her gaily skating all over it , occasionally having a good peck at the pond plant leaves that poked up through the solid ice . Plants she had never been able to access previously . She was having loads of fun . Sometimes we can all see into the future . I actually said to my hubby " when that ice finally starts to melt again , there 'll be trouble " . It happened a few days later when the day was milder , the sun was out and the ice on one side of the pond had melted . Unfortunately Harmony hopped onto the still icy side . It was possibly not such a good move on my part to dive out of the kitchen door to try to shoo her back to the bank , because she set off skating toward me . . . and ran out of ice . She squawked , flapped and began to sink like the proverbial stone . Luckily she was within reach and I hauled her out . Actually she didn 't seem to mind at all being brought indoors and wrapped in a fluffly towel to be dried off . She simply stuck her head under my chin and started making happy little cooing noises . She was much more upset at being put out again once she was warm and dry and she kept knocking at the kitchen door to come back in . My hubby was at work during this little drama . I sent him a short text . It simply said " Chickens can 't swim " . I feed the wild birds every day and often at the same time . Because of this I 've got to know my regulars and in some cases how many use our feeders . Handy when it comes to not counting visitors twice over . But I 'm blessed with a large flock of sparrows who all suffer ADHD . Myself and my hubby have tried before to figure how many there are in the flock , we 've managed to get the number anywhere between 12 and 17 . Trouble is , being so hyperactive , they won 't sit still and be counted . Because for the sake of the great garden bird watch it matters how many we see today , I 've just devoted a large chunk of my hour ignoring all the other birds and doing a very passable exorcist head spinning impression counting and re - counting the bloody sparrows . It 's not helped that we have now got three teeny field mice who 've set up home near one of the feeders and keep popping out to grab bits of food between the bird crowds . Five times have I mistakenly included one or more mice in my sparrow count . I have now decided to settle on the number " many " ! ( Only very rarely have people then asked how I can work with children when I don 't have any of my own ? I generally point out that I am also a qualified general nurse , but I don 't have to personally have any particular illness in order to be able to care for those that have . I also wouldn 't need to own a bus in order to be qualified to drive one ) . My tiny wildlife pond was created in August 2008 , by January 2009 I spotted my first dollop of frogspawn . At first I was excited and made my hubby get out of his nice warm Saturday morning bed to come look . Then came panic . . . . It 's only January ! What if there 's a sudden freezing cold period ? My fogspawn would turn into a lump of ice and all the eggs would die . A rescue plan was needed . My baffled husband was despatched to the loft to bring down a small all in one fish tank that for some reason was still up there . Off outside I went with my pink kid 's fishing net and into the tank plopped the frogspawn . In answer to my husband 's curious , " So now you 've done that , where do you plan to keep it ? " the coffee maker was re - located to accommodate the tank 's appearance on a kitchen work surface . The following morning though the spawn just didn 't look right . I guess in must have been the warmth of the kitchen that conned it , but the whole bloody thing had hatched ! My husband is really good at those kinds of looks that say " You 've done it again haven 't you ? " Of course I went from the oh no moment to laughter to ahh look at the babies and on to trying to count them and then wondering if I could name them all . Anyway , I was right , a period of big freeze came . The tadpoles lived with us until the end of February then were returned healthy and happy to the pond where , at a later date , I came across the problem of how I could help as many little froglets to migrate as safely as possible : especially when my hubby thought mowing the lawn regularly was important ! |
You know how when you sleep all day and you wake up the next day and you don 't really know what day it is ? I 'm in that place . I went to bed at about 11pm on Tuesday , slept until 7pm Wednesday , went back to sleep about an hour and a half later , and got up this morning around 9 : 30am . Tuesday night I 'd been trying to read my Mom 's diaries and appointment books starting from 2000 . I got about three years in and I just couldn 't read any more . . . I felt like my heart was going to break , reading about her appointments and her hospitalizations and shock therapies and different doctor 's appointments . I started crying uncontrollably and even though I stopped reading I didn 't stop crying , so I took an Ativan . And then I slept . Unfortunately , I lack the skills to cope with that kind of uncontrollable crying : taking Ativan works but it isn 't a long - term solution . I hope to learn some new skills through one or another therapy . I also think that maybe it isn 't time to read my Mom 's diaries , that maybe I should give myself some time to grieve before reading them so that they don 't affect me as powerfully . My sisters and I had a great afternoon shopping and hanging out . Who knew that a fur vest could give rise to so many giggles ? It was so nice to just be with my sisters and laugh and talk . After our shopping adventure we had our counseling session . We 're going to a few counseling sessions together to help us develop a stronger relationship between us . We 've always had our parents in common but we want to have a relationship based on more than the fact that we 're related . Our mom often played two against one and would say things about any of us behind our backs to the other two . If she had an issue with one of us she never just talked to that person about what was going on , instead talking to anyone and everyone but that person . My dad mostly stayed out of things or would relay messages for our mom . Add to that the fact that when we were vulnerable around our mom , she would poke at that vulnerability and hurt us , and you can see where we might need some help being close to each other . As a result of the way we were raised , my sisters and I don 't know how to talk to each other like normal people do , especially when we get upset or we 're angry . I 've really enjoyed our sessions and they 've definitely given me things to think about . We 'll have at least one more session next week and possibly others over the phone or skype or something . I 'll be seeing an individual counselor when I get back to Ontario . I know I need help with some things but I 'm not sure exactly what I 'm going to do when I get there . I know that I have some behaviours I don 't like and it would be good to get those under control , but I also think I could use some help processing my upbringing . It 's hard to know exactly where to start . It 's also hard to think about where to start because my thoughts slide around the most painful and vulnerable areas without looking too deeply at them . Maybe the counselor can help me figure out where to start . I 'll definitely be spending more time with my sisters while I 'm here . I 'm excited at the prospect of being closer to them and to be more aware of and involved in their lives . There 's just us now and it 's important to me that we forge strong , healthy bonds between us so as to not lose the connection we have to each other . Yesterday flight from Toronto to Edmonton was definitely an adventure . This is the first year I 've flown anywhere on Boxing Day and I think it 'll be the last . I didn 't really think that a lot of families would be flying but of course it makes sense that they would be traveling that day since Christmas is over . On my flight were four children under two years old and so none of them had their own seat . that 's really not a big deal but the worst - behaved was sitting directly behind me . For some reason , his parents thought that bringing the fire truck with sirens and speeding sounds was a great idea . I had no idea how disruptive it is to have said firetruck run sideways across the back of my seat but I know now . I was surprised at how great an arm the kid had , too . He threw a container full of candies or lego or other small pieces right at the back of my seat , breaking it open and startling me . Then he started kicking my seat . All of this happened before the flight even took off and I knew that I couldn 't handle that child for four more hours so I changed seats . There were free seats in the emergency row because they don 't recline and I sat on the aisle there . I know that I probably shouldn 't be in an emergency row but I figured that I was the last line of defence there and that it would be ok . After I moved I ended up sitting next to a fellow who was coming home to Edmonton after visiting his family in Ontario . I 'd planned on sleeping through the flight but it seems that he needed to talk . So I listened to him until he got tired and then I was able to read and doze off . I hope he feels better . He was actually the third person that seemed to need to talk or reach out to me : the other two were in the airport and were also pre - boarders . The one woman had been going since noon in Halifax and she was diabetic but didn 't have any food and her insulin was packed ( I don 't think she 'll do that again ) . I had some trail mix that was in my Christmas stocking and I gave it to her because I figured she needed it . Every time I talked to someone there was this voice in the back of my head saying , " Look at me being all normal . I 'm talking and I 'm not telling them that my mom killed herself ! " Weird , I know . I like the hotel where I 'm staying : it 's right downtown above a mall so I have easy access to things without having to go outside . There 's a grocery store only about three blocks away that can be almost completely reached without setting foot outside . My room faces outside due north so it 's fairly quiet . The tub is also deep enough for soaking and has jets ( which I doubt I 'll use ) . I have a mini - fridge and I think I could get a microwave if I wanted - we 'll see about that . I can make hot water for tea and oatmeal and I don 't have a freezer so I don 't know that a microwave will help that much . We 'll see . I do wish there was another chair and maybe a coffee table in the room , and there is a pillar kind of in the middle of it . The room could also probably use a fresh coat of paint . Even with those drawbacks I like the room and I think it 'll be a comfortable place to spend the next two weeks . I hope that this Christmas is full of peace and love for all of you and that Santa was generous to you . Santa gave me exactly what I wanted : a low - key Christmas with lots of time to myself to read , have a bath , nap , or surf the internet . My day has felt a lot like a normal day to me except that we 're at Ian 's parents ' house . I feel completely at home here so being here hasn 't been at all stressful for me . Tomorrow I 'm heading back to Edmonton for Christmas and to see my family and friends . Traveling is inherently stressful for me because I 'm not sleeping n my own bed or eating my own food . This year I 've got grief on top of the travel stress and between the two I won 't have a lot of energy left for other people . In past years I would try and cram as much as I could into each day that I was there but I can 't afford to do that this time . I 'm thinking that instead of doing two or more activities each day I 'll start with one and see how it goes . I can 't emotionally afford to come back from Edmonton needing a vacation ! : ) That 's not to say that I won 't have any fun while I 'm in Edmonton . I expect to be mourning some of the time but mourning doesn 't mean that I can 't enjoy myself . It means that my fun might be more on the low - key side but the fun will still be there . Speaking of fun , I gave myself a Christmas present : a class in basic silversmithing . I 've wanted to learn how to solder and make rings and whatnot for a while and when I saw that the course is starting in January , I signed up . I 'm excited about learning something new and about the prospect of getting back into making some jewelry when I get back . My port is a little finicky to access . When I first got it , the nurses had trouble accessing it because it would slide around and the needle would end up going alongside the port . Thankfully , scar tissue has grown up around the port and now holds it in place . Now the port finicky because it 's set a little deeper than most ports which stick out so much that you can clearly see them underneath clothes . Because I 'll have my port forever I didn 't want it showing that much so the doctor put it in a fleshier area and set it a little deeper than usual . My finicky port has given even experienced nurses trouble and yesterday 's nurse wasn 't experienced : she had accessed and flushed exactly one port before mine . She ended up poking me with the access needle six or seven times . She even managed to get the needle only half - way in , which I didn 't think was possible and is something I 'd never seen before . In addition to the multiple needle sticks , there was something about the way she was holding the port that made the experience even more painful . I think she was actually pushing the port down instead of fixing it in place and pushing it up , if that makes sense . The area around the port is now very tender and I know it 'll be a while before the access holes heal up . I don 't usually mind when new nurses access my port because it 's good experience for them but it 's not usually so painful . If I 'd known that she 'd never accessed any ports before yesterday I would have asked for one of the more experienced people to come with her and show her how to handle a tricky port like mine . I ended up giving her tips on accessing my port which finally led to success . She was grateful for the experience because she learned a lot and got to see the process through to the end . At least the port has been accessed and flushed and I 'm all set to go . I guess I can think of the experience as my gift to the nurse . The pain will fade away soon enough and she did learn a lot about dealing with finicky ports . And it 's not like I can access the port myself : I don 't have what it takes to stick a needle in my own skin and since I 'm a bit squeamish , I have no desire to learn how to do it . So Merry Christmas , nurse ! So there 's one gift done . It 's not the kind of thing I usually expect to give but it worked out fine in the end . As long as no one else expects to get this kind of gift from me , I think I 'll be good to go . I loved Netflix since it was first available on the PS3 . I could watch movie after movie after documentary after movie - no wonder I thought it was the greatest thing since sliced bread . Sadly , things have changed . Apparently Netflix tests user interfaces ( UI ) all the time , so at any given moment a subscriber might be faced with a new UI . Yesterday we were switched from this regular UI : In the old UI , I navigated through a menu system to find the genre of movie I wanted to see and then I 'd browse through those titles . The titles in a genre were arranged in rows of five and I 'd scroll up and down through the rows . If the cursor paused on one of the titles , the description would show up below . This UI was easy to use and fairly intuitive . There 's no menu system in the test UI . I scroll down through the rows to find the genre I want and then I scroll sideways to find a title . Pausing on a title brings up the description in the right - hand third of the screen . Some of the genres have 250 titles in them and I just don 't have the patience to scroll through them . Plus at least one other genre is shown above or below the one that I 'm looking at , cluttering up the screen . I know that some people would like this new UI but I don 't : I find it harder to navigate through the titles and I have a very hard time browsing to find something to watch . The end result is that I 'm not watching anything on netflix and that leaves me feeling unhappy . I like watching movies and I used to like watching them on netflix . Of course I called them today to tell them that I was very unhappy about this because I 'm vocal about things I don 't like . I told them that if the menu system doesn 't change back we 'll cancel the service . I can 't justify paying every month for a service that is almost impossible for me to use . Since this is a test they should be able to switch the UI back to the old one or one of the two others being tested . I love the idea of netflix and the fact that I can watch so much stuff . But if I can 't find stuff to watch because they 're messing with the UI , it 's not the great product I thought it was . If you 're ok with being a guinea pig for netflix , you don 't care about a product 's ease - of - use , and you like watching movies streamed through your PS3 , netflix on the PS3 might be the product for you . Posted by Ian and I went to see the Wonders of Winter this evening . I had the car to run some errands and since the Wonders are near Ian 's workplace it made sense to see them when I picked him up . Each one of these Wonders is a scene or animal or cartoon character made out of different colours of rope lights . Most of these scenes are sponsored by different companies in the region . We hadn 't been to this event in a few years and it was interesting to see all of the new scenes that have been set up . There are a lot more of these scenes than there used to be so there 's a longer walk to see all of them . Because we got there just after dark , we shared our time with a lot of kids . As much as we enjoyed it , it was funny to hear the little kids all excited over the scenes . I had a bit of time today between appointments and spent some time wandering through the drugstore . I 've been on the hunt for a good eyebrow pencil for a long time . My eyebrows are so sparse and light as to be nonexistent and I 'd like to be able to darken them . The problem is that most eyebrow pencils for brunettes have a lot of red in them which looks awful on me . My natural hair colour is ash brown with streaks of grey and not a red highlight to be found . Luckily for me , I managed to find a non - red brown eyebrow pencil today : Quo Cashmere Brows in Brunette . It 's perfect ! One end is sharp for drawing lines and the other is soft for filling in and smudging a whole area . I tried it out and it looked great . I think I 'm going to be very happy with this eyebrow pencil - hopefully I get a chance to use it soon . I was having a hard time this morning thinking about my Mom and how I didn 't do everything that I could have done to reach out to her . It 's going to take some time for me to learn how to deal with that guilt and with the guilt that comes with the knowledge that I 'm free to not be like her anymore . Before , I couldn 't fundamentally change the way I behaved because I learned it from my family and doing anything else felt like a betrayal to them . Fortunately , the social worker from the cancer center called while I was feeling this way and we had a good talk . She 's happy that I have a plan in place to get some counseling in the new year and she understands how shocking it is when someone commits suicide . She did give me some ideas that have stuck with me : first , that my Mom was an adult who made her own choices and no one can take those choices away from her ; and second , that she knew both how to kill herself and how to ask for help ( in the past she had called the crisis line ) and she made her choice . Hearing from someone else that my Mom 's death was her own choice helps to deal with it . It isn 't a choice I wanted her to make or one that I approve of but it wasn 't my choice to make . This is a very freeing concept . The person I talked to today felt that I didn 't need to see her again because I have a plan in place to deal with my grief and the aftermath of my Mom 's death . I can always call her or her replacement ( or other people ) if I need to talk again . I 'm so lucky and grateful to have all of this support around me . It turned out to be really fun , and we stayed a bit longer than I thought we would . There weren 't many people there when we first arrived so we had a chance to talk to our friends and catch up . We also ate too mnuch of the yummy things they had . This was the first time I 've been out among people since my Mom died and although I was a little nervous about going at first , I 'm happy that I went . It was good to get out and be amongst people . Our friThat 's a big sends knew about my Mom , of course , but it didn 't come up in discussion at all because we were all too busy talking about their moving and job adventures . We 'd planned to go to a friend 's place tonight to see a movie but I just wasn 't feeling up to it . I 'm feeling quite lethargic most of the time and I 'm impatient when anything deviates from whatever I 'd planned . It seems that I 'm also feeling quite a bit of anger that I 'm so far controlling but that I don 't like . The anger stems from the uncertainty around some stuff related to my mom 's estate . She died without a will and without appointing anyone as her executor . Her estate 's pretty small so my sisters and I are trying to figure out the best way to do something . All of the uncertainty and the pressure to make decisions - and no clear decisions to be made - leaves me feeling flustered and upset and I handle those best when they 're plain old anger . At least I have an appointment to see an individual counselor in January . This isn 't the person I was going to talk to at the cancer center ; it 's someone else at a local counselling place . We 'll see how that goes . I figure that it can 't hurt and there are things with which I could definitely use some help . Funny how life goes on even when something bad happens . I 'd like for everything to just stand still while I deal with things and feel better but things just don 't work that way . Case in point : my oncology appointments , one of which was today . I never really look forward to my oncology appointment . Even though I 've been incredibly superlucky and not had any progression for over four years now , I know that my cancer will progress someday . So every time I see the oncologist , there 's this niggling worry in the back of my mind that today is the day I find out that my superlucky streak is over and the cancer has progressed . Speaking of my mom , I did tell my oncologist and nurse what happened . They were very sympathetic and offered to put me in touch with the therapist at the cancer center . Apparently the person currently in that position is moving on and there 's a new fellow taking over . The nurse thought it would be better if I could see the new person for continuity reasons . I haven 't heard from them yet but I hope to hear from someone tomorrow . I knew that opening the boxes would be hard but I didn 't expect it to be quite as difficult as it was . It 's the first time I 've cried like that since she died . By having these things it was clear in a way that kind of wasn 't before that my Mom was dead . Cleaning out her apartment was hard but we could have been helping her move . We didn 't have a service for my Mom at her request so I didn 't have the opportunity to get closure there . I 'd also wanted to see her body before it was cremated but I was talked out of doing that by my sisters on the advice of the funeral home . At the time one of the reasons I wanted to see her was to let her touch my soft cashmere sweater , which I 'd promised to do when I saw her . That would never have worked because of the decomposition but I also wanted to see her just to see her . I know she wouldn 't have looked like I remember her - my sisters were told that decomposition was accelerated because of the pills my she took to kill herself . There were good reasons why seeing her was a bad idea but I wish I 'd stuck to my gut and seen her anyways . I would have been able to say goodbye to her in person and I think that it might have done me some good . Since I lack a time - travel machine , I can 't go back and change things and so I need to use what I 've got to gain closure . The boxes full of Mom 's stuff is what I have and it 's what I 'll use to deal with her death and to gain the closure I need . The opened boxes are still sitting in the hallway . At least I 've looked in the boxes and know where their contents need to end up . I suspect that it 'll take a while to deal with and put it all away . That time will be a great opportunity for me to deal with my grief and if I can only put away one box a day , well , that 's better than no boxes a day . Ian talked to our next - door neighbour and explained that he wanted to clear the driveway himself , at least for a while . If he decides that it 's too much work then the neighbour will start clearing it again for a very reasonable fee . It 's really no trouble for him to do it but Ian wants the exercise . For now , anyways : ) The boxes I shipped from Edmonton have all arrived . They make quite a pile in the hall ! The dressform and rocking chair arrived yesterday and the rest came late this afternoon . I couldn 't bring myself to open them today . . . there just wouldn 't be time to properly deal with everything . I suspect that opening boxes and looking through everything again will take a lot time and space . I don 't think I mentioned this because of what happened with my Mom , but our furnace died the same morning she did . ( Yes , December 2 , 2010 was quite a day for me . ) We were meeting with the furnace people and filling out the paperwork for the new furnace when I got the call about my Mom . The next day was very busy for Ian as he booked our flights and made arrangements with people so that we could have the new furnace installed while we were away . I wasn 't able to do any of that stuff as I was too upset and couldn 't figure out how to do anything . A friend of ours watched over the furnace installation and energy audit for which I 'm very grateful . We 're very happy with the new furnace as it 's quiet - it 's so much quieter than our old furnace - and seems to work well . The energy audit helped them calibrate our furnace and means that we 'll get some money back because we 've improved energy efficiency in our home . If you 're interested , we ended up buying a dual - stage furnace which brings the fan up at about 60 % to start and then increases to 100 % . Apparently this results in more even heat than the one - stage , on - off furnace . We also got the extra - good filter that takes out smaller things than the regular filter . We have allergies and I can get sick easily ( that fateful day I also discovered that my neutrophils dropped to 1 . 1 , which means I 'm quite susceptible to infections ) so having a very good furnace filter is good for both of us . ps - I want to thank the reader of my blog who contacted my cancer support center about my Mom . I also owe that person apology , which I was going to give at the last meeting of the Book Club but I didn 't make it . Can that person please email me ? My email address is on my profile . Thanks : ) We got a bunch of snow last night . Not the 1 . 5m ( 5ft ! ) of snow that London has received this past week , but about 6in or so . It 's quite windy out there which has sculpted some interesting snow shapes in the backyard . I love just looking at the backyard and seeing the changes that come with each type of weather . It 's beautiful in the summer and fall with all of the plants and it 's gorgeous in the winter , too . now I have a reason to stare out at the backyard because Ian put up the bird feeders that his parents gave us . The birds have found it and we both enjoy watching the little chickadees come and go . There are other birds that use the feeders but we don 't yet know what they are . The front yard is lovely , too , but it 's not as peaceful or private . For some reason our neighbour - the one who put in the weeping tiles and did the landscaping - has been clearing our driveway . We haven 't asked him to do it and the last time he offered to do it for the winter I asked him to send us a quote for the work for the winter . It 's very nice of him to do the work but I 'm not comfortable getting it done for free . Nothing is really free and by accepting a free favour we open ourselves up to being asked for a favour in the future and possibly risking conflict if we say no . I don 't mind him clearing the driveway ; I just want to pay a fair price for it . For someone who usually writes here every day , it 's weird to not have been writing stuff down over the last week . It wasn 't that I was that busy every day but I had a hard time just opening the laptop , let alone writing my blog . It 's been a tough week . I still feel like I 'm in shock , like my mom didn 't die . When I 'm walking around and see someone about the size of my mom , especially in a red coat , I gasp because I think it 's her and that maybe it was all a mistake . And then I remember that she really did die and I feel sick and sad again . I grieved when my dad died but I think I feel even more grief this time , maybe because the death was unexpected or because she was my last remaining parent . My sisters , their husbands , Ian , and I all managed to get my Mom 's furniture and stuff divided up and as many loose ends tied up as we could . By " dividing stuff up " I mean " shipping a lot of stuff to Ontario " . There wasn 't much time to sort through everything at my Mom 's apartment and I couldn 't just get rid of stuff . . . so I took it for me . Fortunately , there wasn 't any overlap between what my sisters and I wanted so it was ok for me to take the stuff . I also took her wooden rocking chair because I 'd been told that it was given to my Mom when I was born and I just couldn 't part with it . I ended up shipping 11 boxes of stuff plus the wooden rocking chair ( and a dressform my sister gave me ) home . Yes , 11 boxes ! It makes me look like more of a hoarder than I already am , doesn 't it ? : ) It 's all supposed to arrive tomorrow and I have no idea where it 'll go , but I know I wanted it all . One sister and I separately talked to the maids who cleaned Mom 's apartment and apparently they really liked chatting with her and couldn 't understand why she killed herself . She was kind of ornery and all but they ( and others ) really liked her and will miss her . Mom didn 't seem to know that people cared about her or that they liked her ; in her diary she talked over and over about how sad and lonely she was without seeming to realize that people did like her and would be her friend if she wanted . That 's so sad . I 've started reading her diary beginning in January of this year and I 'm overwhelmed by how sad and lonely she was . I didn 't know , and if I did know , I brushed it off by saying that she was exaggerating it . Now I see that she was deeply unhappy and I wish I could have done something for her . Why didn 't I write her more ? Or call her once in a while ? Or send her cards that I was thinking of her ? Why did I have to be so impatient with her instead of being as kind to her as I would be to any of my friends ? I could have treated her better - no matter how she treated me or pushed me away because she was lonely and afraid - and I didn 't . I wish I could go back and change what I did and said to her . I 'm so sorry . Knowing that she was in so much internal pain , in a way I 'm relieved that her pain is over . Even feeling nothing is better than the way she was feeling before . I hope she 's at peace . A part of me still didn 't feel like my mom was really dead until I got here and saw her apartment . I 'd never seen the apartment before - she moved since I was last in Edmonton - and first I had to get used to the fact that this is where she lived and that she really was gone . Every time I looked at something and imagined my mom living her life I started crying . The Medical Examiner has confirmed that my mom killed herself . There were lots ( hundreds ) or partial pills found in her stomach , and she left a note detailing what she took . She took the pills between about 6 : 30pm and 10 : 30pm on December 1 and died sometime early in the morning on December 2 . We found her daily diary - kind of a list of what happened every day - where she talked about how she was so unhappy . I wish I 'd known how unhappy she was . . . . one of the reasons I 'm crying so much is that I can feel the sadness and desperation in her things . The tragedy of the whole situation is overwhelming . I hope that if she 's still out there that she 's out of pain and is feeling less lonely and unloved . , My mom died today . She killed herself by overdosing on some pills she 'd apparently been keeping for some time . I 'm so very sad and hurt . I feel like a little kid whose mommy is gone I don 't understand why but I must have done - or not done - something . My mom had deep - seated mental issues and was in treatment for many years in an attempt to deal with them . She could be very selfish and angry and could seem manipulative but she could also make me laugh , and I enjoyed sitting there with her and talking or watching movies ( we shared the same tastes in movies ! ) . She was such a smart , educated woman and we had many interesting talks . My happiest memories about her are from when I was a teenager and a young adult and we 'd hang out together at the mall or outside and we 'd talk and laugh . They were good times , and I missed that connection I had with her later . She was always mentally ill , we think , but it got so much worse after she hit her head about 10 years ago . Her personality fundamentally changed then and while I still loved her I didn 't really feel I knew her . We drifted apart . Her death comes as a shock because we all thought that she was getting better . I knew she was struggling , as I say , but she hadn 't tried to kill herself in a few years so I didn 't think she was on her way to suicide . Plus she was planning for events in the future , like our Christmas celebration and appointments next year . And she seemed slightly more engaged in life around her . I knew that her wedding anniversary would be a hard day for her because my dad died almost two years ago and I 'd planned to call my mom and talk to her but for some reason I thought that day was today and it was yesterday . So I didn 't get the chance to say that I loved her and knew she was having a hard time and I feel guilty about that . Even if I had called her , it might not have made any difference , and even if it did , she might have killed herself anyways another day . I wish I had been there to talk to her more over the last year . I wish I could have seen her before she died and told her that I loved her . My heart breaks not just for me being sad but also for my mom , because she felt her life wasn 't worth living . I 'm still working my way through Netflix 's movies - I can 't figure out if it 's a good thing or a bad thing that new movies are added every week - and I recently watched one that I loved : Exam . In this movie , eight candidates vying for a job are undertaking an 80 minute exam in a room . There are only a few rules : don 't spoil your own paper ; don 't choose to leave the room ; don 't communicate with the guard or anyone outside the room ; and answer the one question before them . As the exam begins , the applicants turn over their papers to discover that they are blank . This is a very good psychological thriller . It starts fairly innocuously as the applicants realize that they can talk to each other and they try to figure out where this question is located . As they fail to find the question , the applicants become more frustrated and the claws really come out . The second half of the movie is as compelling as the first half as each person tries to gain an edge over the others . Thanks for the suggestions about the leftover milk ! I think I 'm going to make pudding with the milk we have . I love tapioca pudding and we have some quick tapioca pudding stuff . I 'd be happy with a basic vanilla pudding Ian 's birthday is today so I made him a chocolate cake with icing ( I put nutella in with the icing instead of fudge sauce ) . I never thought that I would make a cake that was too rich for both me and Ian , but I succeeded with this one . We served 1 / 8 of the cake each and both of us had trouble finishing our portion . Ian had to take a break in the middle of eating the cake and even though I ate all mine at once , my tummy isn 't thanking me for it now . It may be less rich if it were kept in the fridge . Maybe . Because I was so busy with the cake I didn 't make a fancy dinner for Ian but that 's ok . He enjoyed the cake even though I didn 't do a perfect job ( I should have sifted and / or blended better ) . It 's been a long time since I 've made a cake and so I 'm happy with the job I did . Because Ian was away every evening last week I haven 't made dinner for the two of us in quite a while . So tonight I decided to experiment by making a chicken risotto . We didn 't have any white wine or garlic so I made it with chicken stock instead . I 've never made risotto before but I figured that I can 't be that hard and I was right . The hardest part is the constant stirring but aside from that it wasn 't hard . Ian helped with the stirring , too , making my job a lot easier : ) I was very pleased with the results and I 'd love to make it again with the white wine and garlic - how much yummier will it be then ? I need to figure out how to use a litre of milk because our milk expires in a couple of days and we have a lot left . I don 't want it to go to waste . Ian 's birthday is tomorrow and I 'm thinking that I might make a pudding or custard but beyond that I don 't really know what to do . If you have any yummy suggestions for that much milk , let me know . Ian 's team lost at curling yesterday afternoon , meaning that they ended up tied for third place amongst 88 teams . That 's a great showing , and the best the skip has done so far ! I was very impressed , although it has been a lot of curling for Ian . Last night we had tickets for a comedy show but I ended up going with a friend of mine instead of with Ian . Even though Ian could have gone to the show , he was very tired from all the curling and being out and about for so many days . Both Ian and my friend came to dinner which was fun - especially since Ian hadn 't met my friend before . The show was Shawn Majumder doing stand - up comedy . usually at a stand - up show there are several comedians but in this case there was only the one . Fortunately , he was funny . He was born in Newfoundland of a Caucasian mother and Indian father and much of his comedy was poking fun at racial stereotypes . There was quite a bit of adult humour as well . One of the funniest bits last night was in the way he interacted with the audience . He picked out two people : Jacob , a 14 - year - old , who he named " Pubes " on account of the fact that Jacob 's pubes should make an appearance soon ; and Vern , an 80 - year - old . Throughout the show he kept asking Pubes if he had learned anything or if he had any questions . Sometimes the comedian reassured Pubes that he would learn about certain things ( like fisting ) in grade eight . They won tonight , too , so they play again tomorrow afternoon . Ian will be curling eight days in a row when he plays in his regular league on Sunday - I 'm impressed ! Ian will need a lot of rest after this week . I was able to have a bit of a nap this evening ; in fact I got up just as Ian was coming home so I 'm still a bit groggy and dream - filled . I think I 'm still tired enough to get to sleep tonight . I hope so - the last thing I need is to be awake all hours . Today was the third day in a row that I was up early . I know that 8 : 30am is a " normal " time to be awake for most people but I usually get up around 10 : 30 or 11am and getting up earlier than that isn 't easy for me . I was up early to meet a friend of mine for coffee and a light breakfast before her appointments today . I haven 't seen her in ages so I wasn 't going to say no to seeing her even though it was early . I took the bus only partway home so that I could pick up some prescriptions and then I walked home . I wanted the exercise and it wasn 't too cold . But between the walk and being up so early , by the time I got home I was exhausted . I feel asleep in the bath , got out , and went to bed around 2 : 30pm this afternoon . I woke up when Ian called at around 5pm but fell asleep again . When Ian got home , we napped together until 7pm , when we both got up . Oh , I 'm also pleased to report that while cashmere doesn 't absorb all the sweat , it 's still very comfortable to wear even when I 'm sweating . So my sweater purchase hasn 't been all in vain . . . and I now have some lovely sweaters that I can hardly wait to wear . The prospect of wearing the same clothes all day long - and not having to change because I 've sweated through my clothes - is so exciting ! Ian 's been tired because he 's been curling in the tournament . This tournament is held in clubs all through the region and there is a 7pm and a 9pm draw at each club . Ian doesn 't get home until around midnight if he 's curling in the later draw but he doesn 't sleep in ever , so he 's still getting up at the same time as usual . Between staying up late , not sleeping in , and curling every night , no wonder Ian 's tired . His team has won every game so far so they 're playing tonight in the " A " division . They keep playing each night until they lose at which point they 're knocked out . I want for Ian 's team to win , of course , but I also hope that he 's able to make it to Saturday night 's comedy show . Saturday night is the tournament final and if they make it that far , he ( and his skip ) won 't be going to the show . So the dermatologist appointment wasn 't everything I hoped it would be . He looked at the things on my shoulder and said they weren 't anything to worry about , which is good . As for the sweating , he said that there 's really nothing that can be done . He said that my choices are : pills , a strong antiperspirant , or surgery . Surgery is out at this point because I scar so badly and I don 't want to do surgery unless it 's absolutely necessary . He described the pills as a treatment worse than the disease because they have very bad dry mouth and dry eye side effects . I already have a dry mouth and dry eyes from the lack of estrogen and I don 't need more problems here . He wasn 't selling the antiperspirant , either : he said that I would have to do it every day on my abdomen and back and that it would only work for each day . He reluctantly gave me some samples of a gel - based formulation with a 15 % concentration of the active ingredient . He said that if I wanted to try using the antiperspirant , the gel would be better than the other , stronger ( 20 % ) stuff which is alcohol - based and runnier . At least the strong antiperspirants are available over - the - counter , if I end up using them . I 'll try it and see what happens . Sigh . I went on a shopping spree and bought another bunch of sweaters today . I now have eight or nine sweaters made of acrylic , wool , or cashmere - and not all of them are black . I wore one today and while I was still sweating as much as I usually do , I didn 't feel cold or anything . Because I had to take the bus and walk outside I did have to change into a different sweater . If I wasn 't going to be outside in the cold , I wouldn 't have had to change the sweater . The waistband of my jeans was still damp but it wasn 't as wet as it usually is . So that 's something , right ? Hopefully all of my new sweaters will work as well as today 's did . I went shopping today and managed to buy some black wool sweaters and a couple of acrylic sweaters as well . There 's a lot of black out there this season and while I 'd love to buy something that 's purple or teal or red , I 'm just not finding it yet . I decided that I was better off buying what 's available so that I 'd have something I can wear that will hopefully be comfortable . It turns out that not all wool sweaters are itchy . Yay ! I 'm finding that I prefer a very lightweight wool or cashmere ; cashmere , if it 's light enough , isn 't itchy at all . So we 'll see how these sweaters work in helping me feel comfortable when I 'm sweating . I see the dermatologist tomorrow and I hope he 'll be able to help . Apparently I was supposed to confirm the appointment last week . . . oops . They called this morning to confirm - it 's a good thing , or else I 'd have shown up there for nothing ! I 'd hoped to take a book with me in which I write appointment - related things but I can 't find it . I remember seeing it to pack it but I don 't quite remember in which box it got packed . It 's got the photocopies of the sarcoidosis lab results which would be a useful thing to bring ; I guess I 'll just have to ask him to believe me while I get the results sent over to him . Hopefully it won 't be a problem . I took advantage of the time this evening to tidy up the great room and a bit of the kitchen so that I can take some pictures for you of the painting we 've done . If it 's sunny tomorrow afternoon I 'll take the pictures then . There 's still a lot to do but at least the main areas are done enough until we get more furniture and things for the walls . I 'm still a huge fan on Netflix and have been watching a lot of movies and documentaries . Most of them are interesting but kind of forgettable . One movie stayed with me : The Living and the Dead , a British horror movie . It isn 't a gory horror movie , really . . . it 's more of a psychological horror or a horrific tragedy , if that makes sense . The film focuses on three people : Daniel , his sick , bedridden wife Nancy , and their childlike , under - medicated schizophrenic son James . All three live in a run - down , huge country mansion that they are on the verge of losing because they are out of money . Because of his wife 's medical bills , Daniel must leave his wife and son and travel to the city . Normally he 'd have a nurse come in to look after Nancy and James because James can 't be trusted to even take his medication . But the nurse can 't come in the day Daniel leaves so James is left alone to take care of himself and Nancy because Daniel has to leave . Because wants to take care of his mummy and to make her better , all on his own , he locks the door against the nurse . Things fall apart afterward as James unravels completely . This is a dark film and it feels very claustrophobic at times because of the cinematography and discordant music . It 's told in a strange sort of flashback - flashforward style where events from different timelines are mixed . The only way to distinguish between the timelines is by the lighting and condition of the house which mirrors Nancy 's condition . One key theme of the film is the lack of help or care given to people who have long - term illnesses and the toll that this takes on their loved ones . James should be in a care facility because he is incapable of looking after himself . Nancy should be in a hospital because she 's clearly doing very badly . And James never should have been looking after Nancy , let alone left alone with her , but Daniel had no choice : there was no one else to do the job , and Daniel had to leave because their financial situation was dire . There 's just no way out of this situation and that 's what makes the events of this movie so horrific . That , and the knowledge that almost anyone could find themselves trapped in a similar situation where all the choices lead to very , very bad outcomes . Yippee - I 'm going to Edmonton ! I 'll be leaving just after Christmas and staying almost two weeks . I 'll even be there over New Year 's Eve this year . I haven 't been there since last October and I 've missed everyone very much . Since I moved to Ontario I 've been to Edmonton at least once per year and this is the longest I 've spent without going there . My entire immediate family is there and most of them aren 't able to come here , so the only way I can see them is if I go there . In the past I 've stayed with various members of my family - most often my mom - but this year I 've decided to stay in a hotel . One reason for that is because my mom has moved into a new place with less room for guests . While I hope to stay with her for a couple of nights , staying there the entire time would be impractical for both of us . As well , staying in a hotel means that I won 't be intruding on anyone 's time or space and I 'll be able to rest and recharge my energy as needed . When I go to conferences or meet up my friends , I find I have an easier time traveling if I stay on my own . I don 't mind sharing close quarters with someone for a couple of nights but any longer than that is difficult for me . If I don 't get enough time alone I get stressed and easily overwhelmed , making for a bad time for me and everyone around me . The hotel I 'll be staying at is right in downtown Edmonton which will be convenient for shopping , movies , and getting around the city . The price was reasonable and includes free internet so I can stay connected to everyone in and out of Edmonton . The one thing I don 't have is a cellphone . I know it sounds silly , but I haven 't bothered to replace mine since I had to give up my BlackBerry . If I 'm going to get one , buying it before I head to Edmonton makes sense . Choosing one will be the hard part . We haven 't been able to go out and buy all the stuff we wanted for the house because it 's hard to choose and I have no reason to think that choosing a cellphone will be any easier . At the end of the day it doesn 't really matter whether or not I have a cellphone or where I 'll be staying . What 's important is that I 'm going and will be spending lots of time with my family and friends . I 'm really excited and looking forward to the trip ! The other day I read an article talking about To boldly Go : A One - Way Human Mission to Mars , a paper recently published in the Journal of Cosmology . As its title suggests , it 's about sending one - way missions to Mars . The idea of the one - way mission is in direct opposition to the implicit assumption by NASA that anyone sent out comes back . Think about it . What if , this paper proposes , people who went to Mars expected to stay there ? What if we thought of colonizing Mars like our ancestors thought about colonizing the New World ( aka North America ) , where the colonists went to the new frontier and stayed there ? This idea makes perfect sense to me . There would be substantial cost savings in not carrying return fuel and having to rehabilitate the colonists upon their return to our planet if they didn 't come back . Having the colonists stay on Mars would also mean that they could establish a permanent base of operations for future space exploration . Of course I 've always thought of space exploration as a one - way trip because of the distances involved . I know that not everyone thinks that way and so such a project would require a substantial shift in thinking . The authors of the paper do list some criteria for choosing colonists : they should be past their reproductive years and with a life expectancy of 20 years or less . However , even with these selection criteria , I think it 's unlikely that the US government or NASA would construct a one - way mission to Mars . It costs money to mount any kind of mission to Mars and with NASA 's funding in doubt , I doubt that they 're going to jump at the possibility to go there . The US has rested on its laurels of going to the moon and the space station without seriously considering anything new , space - wise . It seems that they 've lost their drive to go into space . At this point , space exploration is firmly in the hands of private , very wealthy individuals and other countries like China and India . These countries and people have the money and the desire to explore this " final frontier " , especially if the missions are one - way . In fact , one - way missions make the possibility of colonizing Mars feasible . The hardest part would be finding volunteers for such a mission , but I can imagine that there are many , many people who would volunteer to go . I would . I ache to be able to go but even if I didn 't have cancer , I don 't have any of the skills that permanent colonists would need . Since my last dentist 's appointment I 've started chewing gum pretty much whenever I 'm not eating . I hadn 't been chewing gum because it used to make my jaw ache . I grind my teeth at night and wear a nightguard because of that , so my jaw gets achy easily . But for some reason , the gum hasn 't been making my jaws sore . Plus chewing gum seems to have a side benefit for me : less plaque on my teeth . I had my regular tooth cleaning appointment this morning and the hygienist had to do much less scaling than normal so that my appointment was a half hour instead of my usual 45 minutes . I know that the reduction in plaque isn 't due to increased flossing because , if anything , I 've decreased the amount of flossing that I 've been doing . I don 't think the gum I 'm chewing is taking the plaque away . Instead , I think the act of chewing gum has increased the amount of saliva I have in my mouth which is in turn decreasing the amount of plaque . A side effect of the Femara is dry mouth which tends to cause increased plaque build - up because there isn 't enough saliva to wash away the plaque . I guess the gum is helping to compensate . J is the best hygienist who 's ever worked on me , and honestly , I was not looking forward to going back to S . Don 't get me wrong : S does do a great scaling job , but she doesn 't do all those other things J does because she 's too busy talking . I was even thinking of changing dentists to avoid going back to S , which I didn 't really want to do because I 've been with this dentist for ten years . Still , now is a good time to change dentists if I 'm going to because we 've just moved and that makes a good excuse for the change . So you can imagine how thrilled I was to hear that J is staying ! Both J and S will be in the office , apparently , and the receptionist let me choose which one I wanted to see next time . Obviously I chose J ! The receptionist said that many people ( including herself and her kids ) are preferring J over S for much the same reasons I do . I figure that S can learn a lot from J , if she wants . Afterwards it occurred to me that the fleece absorbed a lot of the sweat , like wool does , which went a long way towards making me comfortable . Also , because the clothes were close - fitting , they didn 't stick and then pull away and then touch my skin again , making me feel cold . I think also by not covering my arms and legs , the sweat was able to evaporate off easily and didn 't make my clothes stick to me . While I can 't walk around with bare arms and legs , I can change what I wear during the day and when I go out . Instead of wearing ( usually over - sized ) cotton t - shirts and jeans or layers of shirts , I can wear snug acrylic or wool sweaters with wool or acrylic pants . Sweater - dresses with tights might work , too . I don 't have many of these clothes so I went out shopping today . Ian curls on Wednesday nights so I don 't have to be home as early and I figured that I 'd spend some time looking at clothes . I tried on a few sweater dresses and either my body has changed or manufacturers have better styles because some of them looked nice . The sleeves made my look twice as wide as I am but at least the body fit so there 's hope . I ended up not buying anything because nothing was quite right . I think I want to go to the other mall closer to our old place because it has an H & M and a better Winners . I 'm actually hoping to go tomorrow since I have a dentist 's appointment and will need the car for that . I had my annual mammogram today . Even though I have stage iv breast cancer with my sternal mets , I have what my oncologist considers minimal mets because only one bone is affected . My oncologist figures that if the cancer were to show up in the breast again , it would be worth treating the breast as if I didn 't have mets because treating the breast would reduce the amount of cancer in my body . So one of my annual scans is a mammogram . Today 's mammogram was the least painful I 've had . In past years they 've squished my boobs really hard and it 's been a bit painful , but this year it was painless . Then again , she had me approach the machine differently : instead of standing right against the machine , she had me stand further back and lean in , which I think probably gave a better picture . As far as tests go , the mammogram is pretty easy to do . There 's nothing to drink and no eating restrictions and you don 't have to be still for very long . I wish all my scans were this simple ! The colour is Benjamin Moore 's Rich Clay Brown ( 2164 - 30 ) . This colour had a bit more of a smell to it than the other one we used for the kitchen but the smell wasn 't bad at all . The colour is warm and inviting and we think makes the room feel so much more comfortable . The fireplace looks a lot better with the new colour and our sofa looks great , too . We 're very , very happy with it . I promise that once we 've put the furniture back later this week we 'll take some photos of it and the great room and post them . We 'd better be happy with it because painting is exhausting ! This room was particularly challenging because of the peaked wall that starts above the stairwell : Ian needed the ladder to get to that wall and its adjacent walls . Even without that part , painting is fairly physical work and it seems like every muscle has been used . We do hope to paint the ceilings in the main bathroom and the laundry room because neither are white and both feel very dark and close . We think that each job can be done in an evening . We 'll see - I very much doubt that we 'll be painting anything else this week . Who isn 't fascinated by their dreams ? I know I 'm interested in my own and so I assume that other people are interested in their own as well , although they may not be quite so interested in other people 's dreams . How many of you have started to tell somebody else about a crazy dream and watched that other person 's eyes kind of glaze over ? Just me ? For all this time I thought that people only dreamed during REM sleep . I had no idea that dreams occurred during other sleep stages . Non - REM sleep would explain night terrors , which is cool on its own , I guess . For me the idea of non - REM dreaming is personally interesting to me because I dream a lot while the alarm is snoozing . Seriously , I have these epic dreams in nine - minute blocks of time and I 'm pretty sure that I 'm not going into REM sleep then . I know that my anti - depressant and my pain medication combine to make my dreams particularly vivid , and I wonder if these medications also contribute to non - REM dreaming . Something about the medications also suppresses the paralysis most people have during REM sleep and dreams . I move a LOT then - I don 't get out of bed or anything but my hands wave and type and move around . I also talk quite often ( or try to ) , and my legs and feet move all the time . According to the documentary , this isn 't completely uncommon ; many people have this problem to even more extremes , where they get out of bed and hurt their partners . I can never learn enough about how dreams work and why people dream . This documentary has a lot of new information presented in an easy - to - understand , interesting way , so I 'm happy to have watched it . If you 're at all interested in dreams or dream research this is definitely a documentary you should see . We had the HVAC people come today to check our out furnace and gas fireplaces . It turns out that they 're all original to the house and so are all thirteen years old . They 're all in great shape considering that they appear not to have been maintained since they were installed . We 'd wanted the furnace looked at not just because we the house is new to us but also because the intake air pipe had been cut . It turns out that the furnace exhaust pipe points straight out while the furnace intake pipe points up downwind from the exhaust pipe . So the intake pipe pulls in exhaust air and the furnace doesn 't work so well . I 'm not sure how we 're going to fix this . The pipes are the old black ABS pipes . If a professional fixes them , we have to have the new white PVC pipes put in because of the new building code ( existing pipes are grandfathered in ) and that 'll cost a lot . Alternatively , we could fix the ABS pipes ourselves by getting some elbow joints and stuff . I 'm thinking that it might make sense to have the pipes changed when we get a new furnace , which will be next year or the year after . Our furnace is thirteen years old and is rated for 12 - 15 years so it 's due to be changed anyway . I 'm a little surprised that the owners just cut the pipe instead of fixing it properly . They told us that they hired " professionals " for all of their work but no professional HVAC person would have just cut that pipe : they 'd have fixed the problem . Moreover , chances are that the problem showed up during the first year or two the owners lived in the house , long before the PVC pipes had to be put in ( I think that came in around 2007 ) so it would have cost them next to nothing to fix the problem back then . Today I went out for my book club and then my flu shot and even though I brought two separate top changes ( each with two shirts ) , it wasn 't enough . I sweated through all of them - all six shirts - in the five hours I was out of the house . I should have brought pants changes , too , because my jeans were soaked on the waistband ( and the aforementioned front ) and wet throughout . Then again , I suspect that I could have lugged a suitcase full of clothes and I still would have sweated through them . I wasn 't even sweating because I was hot . No , I was a normal temperature , not even feeling the least bit warm , and when I started sweating I got cold and stayed that way , which probably caused me to sweat even more . If I do anything at all other than just sit down - and sometimes even then - I sweat . And I 'm not just sweating under the arms or on my feet : my back , shoulders , arms , abdomen , and head all sweat profusely . Sometimes I sweat less if I take percocet even if I know that I 'm not going through withdrawl from the pain patches , but that 's not a practical solution . Interestingly , I don 't sweat at night . My sheets never get soaked and I don 't wake up because of this . It 's a problem only when I 'm awake . I don 't know if I 'm actually sweating more now - that it 's become worse than it was - or if I 'm doing more and so it 's worse . Either way , it 's having a serious impact on my life . I don 't want to go anywhere because I know that I 'll need to change once I soak through the clothes I 'm wearing . When I do go out , I try to be out only a short time and then rush back home because I 'm cold and wet . We 've got a Christmas party coming up and I 'm dreading it because it 's embarrassing and uncomfortable , sweating this much . I leave a wet mark on chairs and cushions just about everywhere I go . And Ian finds it unpleasant to hug me or even hold my hand because my back and hands are almost always wet . I talked to my family doctor about this before and he said that it 's just menopause . I understand that but I just can 't live this way . My surgeon referred me to a dermatologist about the warts on my shoulders ( that have started to spread down my chest ) and I 'll talk to that doctor when I see him / her in two weeks . Maybe they can help - a dermatologist treats skin conditions , and maybe excessive sweating is a skin condition . We got our couch yesterday ! I haven 't taken pictures of it yet but I will so that you can see it . Now that we have the sofa in the great room , we 're realizing that we 're going to need even more furniture than the two chairs that are on their way . We 'll need to get some furniture to fill out the other half of the great room and we 'll need to get tables and lamps and plants and stuff in there to fill out the room . We also need to get that great room painted . Right now there isn 't much in the way of furniture in there but as we get more it 'll be harder to paint the room . We 're trying to build ourselves up to doing it this coming weekend , maybe . The other day , for example , I watched High Tension , a compelling French thriller about two friends who go to one 's family farmhouse to study for exams when all of a sudden a serial killer appears . Most of the film was in English and might have been dubbed but it was still very good . There 's some blood and gore but this movie is more than just that . It 's well worth watching . I also like documentaries . Yesterday I watched Gay Sex in the 70s , a documentary interviewing people about what life was like in the gay community in New York City between the Stonewall riots in 1969 and the beginning of the AIDS epidemic in 1981 . Those twelve years came after decades of repression and shame and so were a period of joy and celebration . . . and sex . Lots of sex . I found this documentary very poignant because the time period - just twelve years - was the beginning , middle , and end of an era . The 70s were an era unto themselves for many but for gay men it was an unprecedented time of fellowship , brotherhood , and sex . Everyone interviewed remembered that decade very fondly and had a great time . . . at least until their friends started to die from AIDS . I very much enjoyed this documentary and highly recommend it if you 're interested in this kind of recent history . There is a lot of nudity and sex and some drug use in it , of course , so be prepared for that . We aren 't just talking about tattoos here , although tattoos are part of it ; there 's scarification , implants , branding , teeth changes , hanging from hooks implanted into the skin , and sexual organ modifications . I find body modification to be quite interesting and hearing about why people do the things they do is fascinating . It 's obviously a deeply personal choice and I realize that it isn 't for everyone , but this documentary helps understand why each person featured has chosen to modify their bodies in the way they did . Although we 'd planned to go out shopping today , we ended up staying in . Ian had to do some work and we wanted to be sure that the great room was tidied up before tomorrow 's sofa delivery . Yay ! The great room won 't look so empty . I 've also been sketching out some ideas for my sewing room . I won 't be furnishing that room right away as we still need to paint and do the floor first . But I do want to get a sense of what layouts will work and what types of storage I 'll need . I 've made a decision : almost all of my fabric will be wrapped onto comic book boards ( which are acid - free , archival - quality cardboard ) and stored upright . There 's another , similar product called Mini Bolts which are plastic , slightly larger , and more expensive than comic book boards . They might be better for heavier fabrics but I 'm not sure the extra cost is worth it so I 'll probably just go with the cheaper comic book boards . I can put two or three together for heavier fabrics , if need be . The advantage to storing fabric this way is that it is neat , looks nice , takes up almost the least amount of space , and all of the fabrics are visible and easy to access . I have to check , but I think fabric stored this way can fit on bookcases which are 12 " deep instead of closet shelves which are 24 " deep . Putting doors on bookcases is no problem . Not all my fabrics can be wrapped this way , of course . I 'm not sure the jersey fabrics can be stored this way but these can be rolled or stored flat . It 's possible that some of my more upscale fabrics might be better off hanging as well , so I 'll need to make a decision about that . At least I 've made a decision about fabric storage , even if the details aren 't fully thought - out . : ) I need to make more decisions about threads and other notions as well as a home for all of my patterns . I plan on putting storage underneath the sewing and cutting tables as well as some up on the walls . I can hardly wait ! As an aside , I might be able to get a gravity - feed iron for ( comparatively ) cheap . If this opportunity comes my way , should I take advantage of it ? Or should I look for a steam iron ? Thoughts ? Both Ian and I replaced our walking shoes for the first time in I don 't know how long today . When my walking shoes lose their cushioning and absorbency , my feet and knees start to hurt . I 've noticed an uptick in my knee pain lately and when I checked my shoes I saw why . The outsole was almost completely smooth and the insole wasn 't in the right position . Ian knew it was time for new shoes because his had a hole in them . We each got the exact same model as we 'd had before without looking for anything better - why change something that works , right ? : ) Afterward , we went out for a walk in the neighbourhood to try out our shoes . My knees didn 't hurt and my feet felt really happy while walking . Yay ! I went out yesterday on my own for the first time since we 've moved here . I needed to pick up a prescription at the drugstore and I wanted to also wander through some of the other stores there . It 's about a half - hour 's walk from here and there are also a couple of buses I can take to get there , if I wasn 't feeling up to walking . I was determined to walk yesterday because I haven 't done any exercise in weeks and I 've been eating way too much candy and other bad things lately . I 'm happy that I was able to do the walk although I think I might have overdone it a bit because I was very tired when I got home . In the future I 'll either not wander through the stores or I 'll take the bus home , at least until I 've got my strength back up . Today I 'm taking it a bit easier : I hope to unpack our books and to do some laundry . The books are going into the spare room ( aka the guest room / library / computer room ) and because the books are all sorted it should be a straightforward job to put them on the shelves . Once the book boxes are cleared from that room , we 'll be able to finish setting it up and hopefully use it as a staging place for stuff from the great room . I 'll be happy to make some progress on the unpacking . Not just so that I stop freaking out about the stuff all over the place , but also so that the house will be ready for our sofa , which is on its way ! We got a call yesterday telling us that it was ready to be delivered and we have until Monday to make room for it . I can hardly wait to actually have proper furniture in the great room and a neater , tidier environment there . Last night we went out to An Evening with Kevin Smith . For those of you who don 't know of him , Kevin Smith first came to fame as director of Clerks - a classic movie , and one that made him the voice of the slacker generation - and more recently directed Cop Out and Zack and Miri Make a Porno . He also plays Silent Bob in many of his early movies . Microphones had been set up in various places throughout the theatre so that people could ask him questions . Those questions served as fodder for him to go off on a completely different tangent and tell all sorts of stories . Fortunately , the stories were compelling so it wasn 't frustrating or annoying that he wasn 't answering the questions . These rambling stories unfortunately meant that only 12 questions got asked in the four - hour show . Yes , the show was four hours with no intermission . I don 't know how all the stoners in the audience made it through the whole thing . Smith apparently started smoking a lot of weed a few years ago . Stoners have always liked his movies and they like Smith even more now because he smokes weed himself and is honest and up - front about it . Then again , he 's honest and up - front about everything . As I said before , Smith told some very compelling stories and some of them were really funny . Ian and I were both laughing so hard we couldn 't breathe while he told the story about smoking much too much weed for the first time and going poo and ordering too much food in that state . It was way too much TMI but hilarious . Don 't get me wrong : I don 't approve of making drugs funny because that doesn 't show the whole picture . I don 't like the idea that kids hear how hilarious these experiences can be without also hearing how awful some of them are , too . Apparently this particular experience did put him off of weed for quite some time and it was only later that he had more positive experiences with it and started smoking all the time . So at least he tried to make the story a little more responsible . My favourite parts of the show were when he talked about what it was like behind - the - scenes on the movie set . I love hearing about how things work and getting glimpses into these other worlds . One story that stayed with me was about his recent experience directing Cop Out and his attempts to direct Bruce Willis . Apparently the studio knew something Smith didn 't , because they repeatedly questioned whether or not he was prepared to work with Bruce Willis . That should have been a red flag , because why would they keep asking ? , but Smith had worked with Willis on another movie and he was a big fan of Bruce Willis so didn 't see any problems . Then while directing the very first scene - the one that was supposed to open the movie - Smith asked Willis to deliver his lines just a bit differently in the next take . Willis changed nothing . This set the tone for the whole time on set : in fact , Willis refused to change his interpretation of the script at all , did not respond to direction , and sometimes told Smith how to direct certain scenes . He also apparently gave Smith the " Bruce Willis look " - the one that he gives in movies when he 's angry - which started and scared Smith . Smith very charitably said that Willis behaved this way because Willis is a Movie Star , but I think Willis did it because he was ( is ? ) a Spoiled , Selfish Brat . I can easily believe that Willis would behave badly , especially if he didn 't want to do that movie or felt that the Smith wasn 't as experienced as he is . But Willis has been making movies for 25 years , so I think it 's not at all unreasonable to expect a higher level of professionalism from him on - set . I am not impressed by this kind of diva behaviour It was clear throughout the evening that Smith has recently gone through a crisis of confidence : at one point he felt that his work had no value and as a result he became despondent and angry and sank into a depression . Smith has come through that experience stronger and more focused about his life and his work . I admire his honesty about this experience and its aftermath . I think him talking honestly about what happened will help those fans of his who will go through the same thing . After all , that kind of crisis happens to almost everyone and when it happens it can seem like you 'll never get through it . It 's hard to believe that we 've been in our house now for close to two weeks because it 's still a mess . There are boxes everywhere because we have no idea where to put their contents . Clearly this is something we should have thought about before moving . For example , where should our winter boots , hats , and mittens live ? Our front closet is tiny and there 's really not enough room there for all of the winter gear we wear . At least I 've managed to put away most of our clothes although I have no idea where all my shoes should live . Our walk - in closet just isn 't that big and there isn 't really room in the bedroom . it might be possible to add some shoe - specific storage somewhere but I have no idea where that will be . The basement is marginally better although there are piles of stuff everywhere . My sewing stuff - which won 't have a home until the room is completed and that probably won 't get done until the rest of the house is livable - is piled up neatly against the wall . The DVDs are all in one place . You might be able to tell that the disorganization is starting to get to me . I can live in a mess ( for a while ) but I don 't like living in the I - can 't - find - anything mess that we 've got right now . It was better for a while but it 's bad again and I find it very stressful . I am a little overwhelmed by the mess as well because I don 't know where to start . . . mainly because I don 't know where anything needs to go . It never even occurred to me that planning out where things should go in each room - not just into which room things should go but how they would be stored in that room - would be a useful thing to do . Now I know . If I ever have to move again ( and I hope I don 't ) I 'll make sure to think about how each room will be set up in the new place and figure out how to put things away quickly so that I don 't have to live like this . I forgot to talk about one thing at the conference that I didn 't like . One of the speakers talked about nutrition and said that if we ate this one way we would prevent the breast cancer from recurring . Not " help to prevent " but " prevent " , which of course isn 't true . I disliked this because it gives people a false sense of security , that if they just eat right and eliminate sugars and refined products and whatever from their diet , they won 't get cancer again . That 's another reason why I loved Bif Naked 's talk : she kind of presented an alternate view just by being herself and talking about her own life . She 's a raw - food vegan who doesn 't drink or smoke and who got breast cancer in spite of living that way . I hope that people realized that eating right and getting lots of exercise and treating one 's body well doesn 't necessarily prevent cancer from developing in spite of what that nutritionist said . Anyways - on to happier topics , namely , Halloween ! Happily , I was home before it was time to give out candy to the kids on Sunday . Ian had bought three pumpkins and carved two of them , leaving one for me . He also put up a few lights outside and a couple of other decorations . When we met with the previous owner , we asked how many kids came around at Halloween . We love to give out candy to the kids and to see their costumes . The previous owner said that they got almost no kids here because we 're on the end of the place , so she would just buy big chocolate bars and give them to the six kids on the place . Well , we got 25 kids ! We almost ran out of candy because Ian bought only one box and I was giving out lots of the chocolate bars to each kid , figuring that we wouldn 't see any kids . I was stingier with the later kids so that everyone got some and we ended up with six left over from the box of 96 . Next year we 'll buy more . Seeing as how we got more than a few kids at our house , we wondered whether the other neighbours really did dislike the previous owner as much as the one guy said they did . It 's also possible that the previous owner didn 't really decorate much . We watched the kids as they came into and went around the place ( we can see the whole street from our dining room ) and they really only went to the houses that were decorated . They avoided our neighbour 's place completely even though their light was on . I wonder , too , if some of the people came around to see who the " new people " are . I 'd be curious to see the new neighbours if someone bought a house on my block . Who knows . At least we got lots of kids and we know that we 'll need to have lots of candy on hand for next year . The Body , Mind , Spirit conference this past weekend was fantastic and I 'm so happy that I decided to go . Unfortunately I didn 't see any of the people that I knew were going because we hadn 't made any specific plans to meet and because I didn 't know what they looked like I couldn 't pick them out of the crowd . This actually worked out ok because I was able to meet a ton of new people . Instead of sitting in the same spot all the time ( my usual M . O . ) , I sat with different people every chance I got and so was able to meet as many different people as possible . I also made sure to sit with people who were on their own at a table . I 've been that person who sits on her own because she 's too shy to sit with strangers but who 's ashamed to be alone , sure that everyone is looking at her , and who is desperately hoping that someone will sit with her . I wanted people who felt ( or appeared to feel ) that way to feel more comfortable and at ease and not so much alone . As an aside . . . I never thought I 'd see the day when I wasn 't shy or nervous around people . I have no idea what brought about the change but I 'll take it . Of course it means that I 'm now the person who 'll chat with anyone , anywhere - in line at the store , on the bus , at the mirror in the washroom , or wherever - which some might think is a bit weird , but I 'm fine with that . The conference was composed of a selection of workshops at available during six different times plus other big sessions . I went to four workshops : Creative Art for Self - Expression , Grieving Loss and Celebrating Life , Spirituality and Spiritual Health , and Living with Metastatic Cancer : Support that Works . I thoroughly enjoyed each one . I like this type of creative art class where there 's no right or wrong and where you create something person with meaning for you . Exercises like this often help me see things about myself that I hadn 't previously seen . In this case , I discovered that the amount of grief I felt for the losses associated with cancer was pretty well balanced by the emotional growth I 've seen since I found out I had mets . I had no idea that the two were balanced in this way . We got to work together in groups of four or so in the grief workshop to create a kite . We covered the kites with a collage of images and words cut out of magazine describing our vision for the future in each of our physical , mental , emotional , and spiritual lives . Here I realized that if one of those four areas is overwhelmed by loss or grief , I can focus more on the other areas to balance my life and to help move forward . If I 'm struggling physically , for example , I can do more with my emotional or mental self ; I don 't have to only focus on my physical limitations . Going to the spirituality workshop was a bit of a last - minute decision for me . I wasn 't sure I was going to attend anything in that time slot but the leader of the grief workshop had worked with the leader of the spirituality workshop to make the two groups sort of work together . Here we discussed the different ways of expressing or viewing our spirituality . She separated the ways into four types : Head , or meditating on a word or phrase ; Work , or helping others in day - to - day life ; Heart , or developing stillness through meditation ; and Imagination , which is similar to Heart but involves guided imagery . Clearly these ways overlap to some extent , but most people find it easiest to approach spirituality in one of the four ways . She said that it is best to try and develop all four methods within oneself , which made sense to me . It isn 't enough to always make myself an open vessel via a breathing meditation , for example ; I have to use other techniques and , most importantly , be spiritual in my actions . In the metastatic support workshop , the leader ( a psychiatric oncologist ) asked for a summary about ourselves and then guided an open chat about what we need support for and how we get that support . There were some non - mets people there asking how they could help their friends or loved ones with mets . What should they say ? What should they not say ? In answer to those questions , many of us agreed that we don 't like hearing about how strong we are , or how much of an inspiration we are , or how you know we 're going to beat this , or you know we 're going to live a long time , or any of that kind of cheerleading talk because it denies what we 're saying . We most want the people around us to listen to us and to give us space to talk about the things that are really important to us , whatever those things may be . We don 't want people to just do things for us but to ask if we need anything . People can always say that they 're thinking of us , or that they hope today is good for us , or anything dealing with right now in response to what we 've said . In addition to all the workshops , there was a movie on Friday night - Jonna 's Body , Please Hold - about a woman who 'd had three different cancers . In the movie , a WWII telephone operator keeps the body running optimally until the foreigners move in and set up their home , inviting all their friends over for a party . That 's a pretty good metaphor for a tumour , isn 't it ? : ) This movie is really funny and light - hearted but is also profound at the same time . It 's definitely worth watching . Saturday night , Bif Naked spoke about her cancer experience . I 'd heard of Bif Naked but I didn 't really know anything about her except that she was a punk - rock type singer . It turns out that she 's very personable and funny as anything . Her story is compelling not because it 's all that different from a " typical " young woman 's breast cancer experience but because of the way she told it . She was honest and forthright and put this light spin on this dark experience . I 'm honoured to have been able to hear her tell her story . Of course there 's more to a conference than just the conference itself , right ? Yep ! There 's the location and amenities , for example . The conference was held in downtown Toronto at the Hilton and there was a room rate for participants so almost all of us stayed there . It 's a nice hotel ( I don 't know how many stars - three or four , I guess ) decorated in an updated mid - century modern - type style . I especially liked that the blackout curtains were closest to the window and glued to the wall so no light got into the room . The hotel wasn 't without issues , however . Friday night I got to hear the kids in the room next to me ( or one over ) yelling and screaming as loudly as if they were sitting in my room . Saturday night I was woken from a deep sleep at 3am - while wearing earplugs - by the Halloween revelers on the street 12 floors below . Now , I know that the hotel can 't help the noise outside and they can 't help the way sound bounces up to the higher floors . . . . but being woken up by noise on the street ( while wearing earplugs ! ! ) means the hotel isn 't properly soundproofed . I also wasn 't all that impressed with housekeeping . We 'd received a razor in our swag so I shaved my legs Friday night during my bath . Sorry if this is TMI , but I hadn 't shaved my legs in quite a while so I left a bunch of hairs in the tub . Saturday afternoon after housekeeping had done my room , the hairs were still there . I had to rinse out my own tub before having a bath which is fine at home but not when I 'm paying to stay somewhere . . . . . . and the Hilton isn 't exactly a cheap hotel . At least the food was ok during the conference , except for Friday 's dinner . That night we had overcooked beef sliders , mini hot dogs , and a few vegetables . The only desserts were packaged ones in our swag . I think ( hope ) that Friday 's dinner was not provided by the hotel but by some other organization and if I knew who they were , I 'd recommend that none of us eat there . Overall , I had a fantastic weekend at the conference ! I 'd love to go again if it were held in another hotel . Of course now I 'm so exhausted from doing all that stuff and being woken so much that I can barely see to type this . It 'll take a couple of days to recover from the weekend but it was worth it . |
Last May , in a fit of giddiness upon hearing of a wonderful Air France airfare sale , I bought tickets for my husband , college student daughter and myself to go to Paris over February vacation week . My husband and I had just been in Paris for the same school vacation week last February , and we had managed to get bumped by Air France in both directions , with great financial success . Seemed like a good idea to have a repeat visit and try for the same deal , but it didn 't quite work out that way . Four days before we were to leave , my husband learned of a family emergency which required his attention and he could not go to Paris . After some misgivings , I decided to go with my daughter anyway . Air France appears to have learned about the Boston vacation schedule since last year . The flights , while full , were apparently not overbooked , and no volunteers were being sought . So my daughter and I flew to Paris as scheduled . The flight was uneventful and we took a cab to the apartment we had rented on rue de Lanneau in the fifth arrondissement , near the Pantheon . The apartment is listed through www . private - paris . com . There are two bedrooms , which I thought would be a good idea since there would be three of us , and the price was not much more than the one bedroom apartment my husband and I had rented on the next block last year . With just my daughter and myself , this was an absolute luxury of space , with a private bedroom and bath for each of us , a large living room , and a large , fully equipped kitchen . The entrance is a little funky . The building is very old , and the door from the street opens to a long stone corridor lit by a single bulb at one end , which , like many lights in French corridors , operates on a timer . I kept waiting to be caught in the dark , but the timer was on long enough to allow us plenty of time to get to and from the staircase . There is a narrow winding staircase up to the first floor , where the apartment is located . Inside , the apartment is newly renovated . Two huge exposed beams show the age of the building , and there are few if any right angles . There is a small step to each room , since no two rooms are on the same exact level . The two bedrooms have windows on the street overlooking the restaurant across the way , Le Petit Prince de Paris . The living room and kitchen have windows on an airshaft facing other buildings in the back . When it was dark , I looked out the living room window and was surprised to look down and see candles . It turned out that our window overlooked the restaurant underneath us , Le Coupe Chou , and we could see the romantic dining area , which must have had a glass or plastic roof . We did not try this restaurant out , but it would have been funny to look up and see our window . The apartment was provided with a wireless internet connection , which was extremely convenient . I had brought a laptop computer , which I have never done before , and it was a great help for communication . For telephone calls we had our T - Mobile phones , which have international roaming , and a prepaid phone card I bought in Paris to use from the phone in the apartment . This was by far the cheapest way of making phone calls I have found . The card cost 7 . 50 euros and was good for over forty hours of calls to the U . S . We didn 't come close to using it up , but with our family situation last week we did speak quite a bit . We decided to get out before we both fell asleep in the apartment and walked down to the market at Place Monge to look for things to bring back for lunch . I went to one of the cheese vendors and just asked him to put together an assortment of whatever he recommended . He offered me tastes , I approved , and I walked away with three cheeses ( and two containers of yogurt he threw in just for the heck of it ) . There were not as many vendors selling prepared foods as I remembered from my visit a year ago . The previous visit was on a Sunday and this one was a Friday , which might explain the difference . There was a Lebanese guy , though , selling good looking prepared things , and we walked away with stuffed eggplant , grape leaves , some filled pastries , and a bag of pita he threw in for good measure . He asked where we were from , and when we told him , he told us how he had visited Massachusetts and Rhode Island and loved it there , how he would like to live there . I guess the grass is always greener and all that . This time I thought I 'd be smart . Last year we had gone to the Caveau des Oubliettes , hoping to hear some jazz , but by the time we got there the place was filled . This year I planned to get there early , have a drink and wait for the music . So we walked down to the bar at 52 rue Galande . We arrived at 9 : 30 but learned the hard way ( by going through the bar , opening the door , heading down the stairs and hearing people shout at us ) that the club didn 't open until 10 : 00 . So much for smart . So we walked outside . Next door to the Caveau , there was an art gallery with an opening in progress . There were just a few people inside , who appeared to be the young artist and his friends , sipping drinks and talking to each other . We went in and toured the gallery , looking at the paintings overtly and the people covertly . I had spent some time before the trip trying to locate galleries showing contemporary Parisian artists and thought it would be fun to get to an opening . This one had not appeared on my radar ; we just stumbled into it . That seems to happen a lot . After thanking the artist , we left the gallery and wandered around the corner where we heard the sounds of a Chopin Polonaise coming out of the Eglise St . Julien le Pauvre . We stood there for a few minutes listening , and admiring the atmospheric street scene of the Latin Quarter , before returning to the Caveau des Oubliettes . A crowd of people in the bar was waiting for the club to open , and we joined it , leaning against ( with some trepidation ) a real guillotine sandwiched between some tables . When the door opened we followed the crowd downstairs but were too late to get seats in the room with the stage , so we grabbed seats in the room next to it , where there was a bar and a TV screen to watch the band . At 10 : 30 the folks who had been sitting next to us at the bar got up , went into the next room and started to sing . It was a vocal duo called Naturalibus , a man and a woman whose voices were in a very similar range and who were backed up by a band . They spoke too softlgomiki Saturday we took the bus to the Musee du Luxembourg , where we saw an exhibit of paintings from the Philips Collection in Washington , DC . Yes , Boston is closer to Washington than to Paris , but the exhibit was there and so were we , so why not ? There was a line waiting outside in the drizzle , so we joined it . Wonderful exhibit . Beautiful paintings and some sculpture . The most shocking moment of the trip ( well , maybe the only shocking moment of the trip ) came when I was looking at a clown sculpted by Picasso and a woman walked up and touched it . I almost jumped , expecting an alarm to sound and guards to come running , but nothing happened . She and her companion were standing there talking about it as if this were the most normal behavior in the world . I wondered whether French museum etiquette was very different from American etiquette or whether this was an aberration . I thought of my recent visit to the Museum of Natural History in New York , where I saw the Darwin exhibit . There was a piece of petrified wood there with a sign saying , " Touch " . So I did . Then I read the description . It was a piece of petrified wood that Darwin collected and brought back with him on the Beagle . So then I really touched it , grateful for the privilege . I thought of the wood of Leonard Bernstein 's childhood piano , which I touched at Brandeis University recently . So I do understand the impulse . I did resist the impulse to actually play Bernstein 's piano , but I might have been tempted had I been alone . And I have somehow always resisted any impulse to touch the Picassos . By the time we left , the sun was coming out . We didn 't know it at the time , but that was the last we 'd see of the sun all week . We walked to the Place St . Sulpice and had lunch at the Café de la Mairie . After lunch we strolled about and I went into a store to look at home decorations . My daughter has no interest in that but plenty of interest in other stores , so she left me saying , " I 'll be around somewhere . " Famous last words . I came out in five minutes and she was not there , so I waited around outside for her . No sign of her for quite some time . At least it wasn 't still raining . I tried calling her cell phone , but for some reason I couldn 't get through . Eventually I got a text message from her : " I 'm in a mall . " Aha . So I walked one block over to the Marche St . Germain and sent her a text message : " Which store ? " So we met outside the Gap . After I finished venting my frustrations ( " remember that rule about telling me where you 're going ? " ) , I was grateful for the text message technology and our international roaming feature and we moved on . We made some necessary stops at a pharmacy and an ATM and took the bus back to our apartment . Saturday night was the long - awaited message board get - together at Le Train Bleu . My daughter declined the invitation to spend the evening with me and my internet buddies , so I took the bus to the Gare de Lyon by myself . Report Abuse I wasn 't sure what to expect . I had arranged this get - together with one person ( Beatchick ) months earlier when we discovered we would have one overlapping night in Paris . The gathering had grown to about a dozen people from at least three different message boards , including several I didn 't know at all . It turned out to be an absolute hoot . I have been to three different gatherings of this sort now , the first two of which were in Cambridge , Massachusetts , and they have all been fun ( and educational ! ) . Meeting people one has known virtually for years is satisfying and eye - opening . In some ways , reading the things people write on message boards gives different insights into them than one gets by knowing somebody in the real world . Joining the two types of experience gives a more multi - dimensional impression . I had fascinating conversations with people I felt I knew pretty well from their writing as well as with some people I didn 't know at all , including people from the US , France , and Sweden . Great fun . The restaurant Le Train Bleu was an experience in itself . Located in the train station , it seemed very removed from the hectic atmosphere all around it . A grand , elegant room with walls and ceilings painted with scenes of the places one could get to on the train . Dinner was good . I ordered off the three course menu for 45 euros , and was happy with my selections : sausage studded with pistachios and served with potatoes , blanquette de veau , and a chocolate dessert that was like the chocolate sauce from an ice cream sundae with a small bit of ice cream floating in it . This was a more expensive menu than those at the restaurants I usually frequent , and the food was no better , but the setting and the company made it a great experience . We stayed until after 12 : 30 AM and I took a taxi back to the apartment . Very long taxi line at the station in the middle of the night , which moved quickly until the supply of taxis ran out . More arrived eventually and I shared a cab with Beatchick . After we dropped her off at her hotel in a maze of little streets in the Latin Quarter by the Seine , the cab driver turned down a street that turned out to be one way the wrong way , and a police car was waiting for us at the end of the block . The driver was apologetic , the gendarme let him go , and I got back home without further incident . My daughter was sleeping . She had gone out for a sandwich and a crepe on the rue Mouffetard and reported the next day that the area had been full of people her age . The neighborhood we stayed in reminded her of Cambridge , filled with students , teachers , book and record stores , political notices , and inexpensive restaurants and food stands . An environment in which we both felt comfortable . In the morning my daughter went out for croissants and bread at the Kayser bakery and brought them back to the apartment . Great stuff . Sunday afternoon we had tickets to the circus . We spent a low energy morning , which was fine with me after my very late night , and we went off in the rain when it was time to make our way to the Cirque d ' Hiver . Report Abuse The circus was fabulous . This was the last performance for the season . We had ringside seats in the front row . We were a little afraid . Let 's put it this way : if I put my feet up on the ring , the tiger could lick my toes . I resisted the impulse ; so did the tiger . The Cirque d ' Hiver is a wonderful oval theater , built as the royal circus during the reign of Napoleon III . We arrived before the doors opened and were surrounded by a crowd of children , parents , grandparents , and assorted , unencumbered adults , all of whom squeezed into the theater in a somewhat chaotic fashion . Beautiful interior and lighting effects . I had selected front row seats hoping for extra legroom but without considering the possibility of becoming part of the action . Although both my daughter and I dreaded being pulled into the ring , we avoided becoming part of the show and thoroughly enjoyed it . A guy named Bruno was sitting on the other side of the ring with his wife and kids and ended up becoming a star of the show . He was a pretty good sport , even when he fell off the little bicycle he was riding to help hoist the clown up onto the trapeze or something like that . Don 't ask . After that , they kept calling him back , but he was careful to unclip his cell phone or beeper and give it to his wife . During the opening equestrian act , one of the beautiful white horses took a dump right in front of us . Several people materialized with shovels and brooms to whisk it away . After the horses left the ring , a larger brigade came out and vacuumed and cleaned the entire carpet while the clowns and the ringmaster entertained . The reason for the cleaning appeared when the next act was a barefoot lady aerialist . I was creeped out , however , when the juggler started catching ping pong balls in his mouth after bouncing them on the floor . I commented to my daughter that it made me think of Fear Factor . She said that Fear Factor is much worse . A fairly uninformed opinion , although undoubtedly correct , since neither of us has seen the show and never will . I really enjoyed the pair of musical clowns , one of whom played a saxophone out of one side of his mouth and a clarinet out of the other . A pretty good trick . And they brought out a bar cart covered with liquor bottles and played them like chimes . I 'm thinking that wouldn 't go over well in a show for children here in the U . S . There was a trained dog act in which the trainer was dancing around the ring in toe shoes , en pointe . Multi - disciplinary studies . I thought of running away from home and joining the circus band , but the only female player , a violinist , was dressed somewhat like the aerialist , which put me off the idea . Could work for my daughter though ; she even plays the violin . On Monday we headed out toward the BHV department store . We walked and shopped our way to the Seine . I kept looking at the colorful scarves in the touristy shops but decided I had bought quite enough of those last year . This year 's object of desire seemed to be beads . I bought myself an inexpensive string of beads and some things for my daughter at a shop called Kazana at 7 , rue Lagrange . We crossed Ile de la Cite and decided the weather looked too iffy to take our planned river cruise at that time , so we passed the skaters in front of the Hotel de Ville and went into BHV . I was shopping for French books and CDs , linens , and kitchen accessories , while my daughter looked at clothing . We met up after an hour or two at the cafeteria on the top floor and had cold drinks with a nice view . We took the bus back to our apartment and had dinner across the street at Le Petit Prince de Paris . I had enjoyed this place last year and it lived up to my expectations on the repeat visit . I had a crumble of rabbit confit , with some kind of cinnamon topping as if it were apple crumble , which was unusual but which I did enjoy , and I followed that with magret in apricot sauce with potatoes au gratin , which I loved . My daughter had a fish pate ( which reminded her of the preparations made by our friends on Cape Cod ) and then a very good chicken dish . For dessert I had a molten chocolate cake with cranberries . All excellent . My daughter and I agreed that our waiter must have been moonlighting between modeling gigs while waiting for his acting career to take off . We don 't usually agree on such things , but this time the opinion was unanimous . When it took a little while to catch his eye , I figured it was because he was used to women staring at him . Tuesday morning we took the bus to the Palais de Tokyo . This large building constructed for the 1937 Exposition Universelle contains two museums . First we went to the site de creation contemporaine , which occupies one wing of the building that has been stripped down to the walls and provideI was on a mission to find a jewelry store suggested by a message board poster , and we located the tiny shop of Dona Giacometti at 6 , rue St . Sulpice . There were two customers in the store and no more people would fit inside , so we waited until one of them left and we entered . Half the closet - sized space was filled with the jeweler 's workbench , and the other half was filled with the jeweler and her customer and us . The customer , a French woman , appeared to be a regular , and the two women were chatting as if they were friends . When the customer left , I bought a pair of earrings made with glass beads for my mother , and by the time we left , we had been chatting with the proprietor as if we were friends as well . A special shopping experience . Of course I might just feel that way because the lovely lady lied and complimented me on my French . Then we made our way to the Ile de la Cite and took a river cruise at dusk on the Vedettes du Pont Neuf . There was a large Spanish school group on the boat , which detracted somewhat from the serenity of the experience . The guide was eloquent in French and English in an unintentionally humorous way , so we giggled our way up and down the Seine . As we passed under the Pont des Arts , the guide commented that the bridge linked the Louvre with the Institut de France , home of the Academie Francaise . He said that this was a bridge " between elegance and irony " , a fitting metaphor for something - or - other ( but I 'm not sure what ) in a very French sort of way . Report Abuse Thanks for the encouraging words Ruth , Faux , Tod , SuzieC , Betsy . Glad you 're enjoying it . I like writing reports for myself while it 's all still fresh in my mind ; it helps crystallize the experience . But it 's good to know that others are finding it entertaining or helpful as well and makes me want to keep at it . I just got back from Paris on Monday . . . and I let my baby crawl on the airport floor ! I know . It really is gross . But with a delayed flight and a squirming child you take your chances . I PROMISE I DID WASH HIS HANDS ! Nikki , thanks for pointing me to your post . I 'll copy it and take it with us for our visit next week . Hope a couple of late 50 year olds won 't feel out of place on Rue Mouffetard . We 're young at heart and still feel 30 , but I " m sure that first " Madame " will get me ! Can 't wait LOL - " in a fit of giddiness " - that 's my Nikki ! I love old French buildings with their lack of right angles . Room 501 at Les Degres is the attic floor room & is like that . Oh , you were near Le Coupe Chou ! That 's funny . Pixfield took photos of it & so did I ! I 've been meaning to tell the story of this place for quite some time ( in some old thread on this resto ) . According to Thirza Vallois ( Around & About Paris Vols . 1 , 2 , 3 & Romantic Paris ) during le Moyen Age a butcher had a shop here & used to kill people & make them into sausage , hence the name Le Coupe Chou . OK , I got as far as the GTG - glad you had fun as it was my 1st time going to & hosting a big GTG ! Will read more later . You 're every bit as witty & entertaining as you are in person , Nikki ! Can 't wait to read the rest . Report Abuse Marsha , As a mid - fifty - something myself , I loved the area , didn 't feel out of place at all . And everyone over thirty is Madame , so don 't let it bother you . Report Abuse Beatchick , OMG it 's Sweeney Todd ! The barber whose girlfriend made his customers into meat pies in London - just saw the wonderful Broadway production last month . And you 're telling me that my very building in Paris was used by a butcher to make human sausage . I think I 'm happy I didn 't know that before staying there . Great report . Can 't wait to hear the rest of it . One question - which phone card did you buy , I 've had good and bad luck with them so if you remember the name of it ( and where you got it ) I 'd appreciate it . Looking forward to the rest of your report . I leave for paris in 13 days ! Art , yes , I had heard that , but I wouldn 't call the waiter aloof at all . Very friendly and engaging , actually . Just busy at the one moment . I love the relaxed , casual atmosphere in this place . Isabel , I still have the phone card in my wallet . It is a carte telephonique universel . There is a logo saying 365 , tous les jours avec vous ( which is also what the recorded message says when you use it ) . I bought it at the tabac at Gare de Lyon . Report Abuse Dinner Wednesday night was at Le Pre Verre at 8 , rue Thenard , a couple of blocks from our apartment . This is a great place with creative modern French cooking . I had the menu for 25 . 50 euros , starting with crab cakes with mango sauce , then suckling pig over cabbage in some kind of milk or cream sauce with wonderful bread for soaking up the sauce . Some kind of dense chocolate torte for dessert . My daughter started with delicious coquilles Saint Jacques ( this incurred a 3 euro supplement ) and followed it with roast cod with smoked potato puree . There were cookbooks for sale , written by the chef . Thursday was our last full day in Paris . Still so many things to do , places to eat , neighborhoods to explore . So we picked things from our respective to - do lists and the rest would have to remain undone . One thing on my to - do list was a meal at the café down the street from us , La Methode , which had been recommended to me and which I had somehow overlooked last year while staying mere steps away from it . So we went there and ate outside in the enclosed patio , which had heaters over the door . It seemed warmer when we were standing and deciding whether to eat inside or outside than it did once we sat down . Heat rises , right . But we stayed outside and enjoyed the passing student and professor types while enjoying our lunch . My daughter had nice warm onion soup , a good choice . I had nice cold salad with shrimp and grapefruit , a tasty but less clever selection . I went inside to pay for lunch , mostly to warm up , and it was a nice warm atmosphere in there . Next time . We took a bus to the Bastille , a neighborhood that has been on my list to explore for some time . Lots of big stores on the rue du Faubourg St . Antoine . I noticed a Habitat store and wanted to go in to replace some glasses I had bought a couple years ago which had broken in my luggage . Yes , I know Crate and Barrel is a whole lot like Habitat and they have plenty of nice glasses there , but I had a sentimental attachment to these . They were glasses I had sought out because they were in our rental apartment three years ago and I really liked them and noticed the Habitat label . Only one survived the plane trip . This time they didn 't have them in the size I wanted , so I bought four in a smaller size , just to remind me of the apartment and the subsequent trips to find them . I walked past an alley filled with furniture showrooms and decided to take a detour down the street . There was a truck backing in with barely enough room and several guys calling out directions . I squeezed past the truck and took some pictures of the colorful old street , completely lined with furniture shops . A salesman standing by the truck called out to me in both directions , asking if I had found what I was looking for . Well yes , I guess I had . Report Abuse Nikki , we watched Point of No Return last night & I told the kids , " now this is the restaurant scene where , if it were Nikita , would be the tables we ate at . " I 've been meaning to rewatch Nikita for some time ! Nikki , Nikita . I see some play on words there . Mmm hmm . We turned onto rue de Charonne and window shopped . We passed a jewelry store that looked very appealing but it was closed for lunch until 3 : 00 , which was just about what time it was when we got there . We browsed some other stores on the street and came back fifteen minutes later , but the jewelry store was still closed . So my daughter had the excellent idea of going somewhere and sitting with a drink for a while until the store opened . We went into the bar at Les Portes , 15 rue de Charonne . The atmosphere was warm and inviting , so we had soda and hot chocolate and talked for an hour or so until the power went out . Time to leave . We walked back to the jewelry store , Metal Pointu 's , at 9 , rue de Charonne . We both really liked this store and I bought my favorite souvenir of the trip , a fascinating necklace , as well as something for each of my daughters . According to the bag there are other branches of this store at four locations around Paris . Leaving the jewelry store we wandered and shopped our way down the rue de Lappe , crossed the Boulevard Richard Lenoir and made our way into the Marais . At the Place des Vosges , there were several art galleries along the North side of the square , and we wandered in and out of them . We walked along the rue des Francs Bourgeois , with many little interesting shops , until the shops all closed at 7 : 00 , at which point we took a taxi back to our apartment , carrying our treasures and resting my feet . Supper that night was an item off my daughter 's to - do list . When we had visited Paris three years ago , she had been impressed with the Chinese food we got from takeout places near our apartment in the Marais . So we found a Chinese restaurant not far from our apartment for our final meal in Paris . This was Mirama , at 17 , rue St . Jacques . I had a great noodle soup with roast duck and then a roast pork dish . My daughter had excellent chicken and broccoli . We walked back to our apartment in the cold . Well , I walked , she ran . We watched the Olympic women 's skating finals and enjoyed for the last time the experience of watching commercial - free , personality - spotlight - free , complete Olympic events . Packed our bags and slept . Took a shuttle to the airport and flew back to Boston . Reflections after being home for a week : The more I go to a place , the more I want to go back . This makes it hard to get to new places , but it makes it easier to get to know the old places better and better . My mother , who has traveled quite a bit , always wanted to go to a place she hadn 't seen yet . I like going to new places , and I 'll go if I have a reason or even on a whim , but I miss the places I know the best . So the more I go to Paris , the more I want to explore it . I feel amazingly fortunate that I have had the opportunity to get to know so many places well , and most recently I have been extremely fortunate indeed to be able to indulge my fantasy of making Paris a place I can claim to know well . But I find that the more I know , the more I am aware of what I don 't know . The better my understanding of French becomes , the more glaringly obvious are my shortcomings . The more I read about the city , including the amazing depth of knowlege on internet message boards and the vast resources to which they have directed me , the more I realize there is to do , to experience , to know . So much to know , so little time . And that is my discourse for the day on the human condition . Nikki , your " discourse on the human condition " put into words ( wonderful words ) just how I feel about Paris . Thank you ! ! As always , I enjoy your reports . Nikki - I really enjoyed reading about your week in Paris with your daughter . I envy you her interest in artistic things . My daughter is an electrical engineer and a trip with her to Paris would be quite different . I have been able to convince my DH to visit museums with me on our trips there , however . We also ate at Le Train Bleu and loved the decor . Quite surprising for a train station . By the way , where was this circus you attended ? Sounds interesting Nikki , it sounds like you have a fabulous trip even with your husband having to stay home . I think we took advantage of the same sale on AirFrance that you did - we leave on the 14th for a week in Provence and 4 nights in Paris . I agree that the more you visit Paris the more you want to return . We also feel that way about Provence hence the split trip . Thanks for the wonderful trip report . chloer , I know I am lucky that my daughters share my interests to the extent that they do . Before I had children , I was afraid that when I did , they would become cheerleaders and we would have nothing in common . But I have gone to Paris with a friend of mine who is an environmental engineer , and we had a great time too . I even offered to go with her on the sewer tour , but she decided she didn 't need a working holiday in Paris . She enjoyed the museums and the music as much as I did . In fact , many of the people who play in the community musical groups that occupy my evenings are engineers ; there seems to be some connection . AGM and gomiki , you have much snow down there ? Thanks for the nice comments . And I 've actually taken advantage of the same May sale two years running . What are the odds it will come around again this May ? Have a great trip AGM . I love the French countryside also , but in the winter the city seems to be a more natural choice for a vacation . Report Abuse The site that kerouac directed you to , metropoleparis . com has recently been revamped and is still in the process , I believe . When it is fully operating it has great photos ( editor is cartoonist , photographer , writer ) and lots of info about Paris . They do have a " club meeting " every thursday at the Corona across the street from the Louvre . My husband and I went to a " meeting " back a few years . The " editor " then writes up a meeting report with pictures and posts it on the website . I told my family to watch for me to make sure I had arrived in Paris . Sure enough , there we were . It was an experience for sure . Report Abuse Nikki , we like Provence at this time of year because they are starting into spring . One year it was in the 70s and sunny all week - we called it ' the hard life tour ' since we were sitting in the sunshine at a cafe having wine with lunch . I just took a look at Nice weather and next Thursday the prediction is for 66 degrees . Much better than the 8 inches of snow we have here . opaldog , that sounds like it could be fun . Was the meeting basically a get - together at a cafe ? Did people mostly know each other ? Ronda , I highly recommend the mother - daughter trip . I 've done it with both daughters now on different occasions . I never wondered for a minute whether it would be the right thing , but they might have had their doubts . The gathering is pretty much the same every week with a different cast . It is just a drop - in type of thing between 3 and 5 p . m . The back area of the cafe is used for metropole . The waiter comes and takes order and you pay for what you order . The day we were there people were only drinking and it was mostly beer . There was a cafe and a wine ordered also . You could get food there if you wanted to . It is very informal . There were 3 young ( late 20 's ) couples from the DC area , 1 single man from Alaska , 1 couple from Germany that had previously lived in Paris and seem to go to meetings alot and finally a 40ish couple from NYC ( and us and the " editor " , Ric ) . Before everyone left a group shot was taken as well as a few while we were there . The club " report " is always posted the following day on the website . It was fun , but I haven 't had occasion to go back for one reason or another . I would recommend it just to see what it 's like . Nikki - Thanks for the info on the circus . When I lived in Paris my junior year in college , I had a very scary experience near Place de la Bastille . It was one of the more dangerous parts of Paris in the late ' 60 's . But I had not heard about a Circus near there . It must be relatively new in the city . By the way , my engineer daughter plays 4 instruments and loves music but has no knowledge of nor desire to know about art . It 's certainly her loss . But she 's still young . I myself discovered art only after living in Paris . Hi Carmen , the Cirque d ' Hiver is the famous place where Hemingway loved to box . One of the stories related in A Moveable Feast tells how Hem was boxing a fellow while F . Scott Fitzgerald was keeping the time . Scott became so absorbed in the fight that he forgot to call time and Hem got knocked out ! I hate when that happens . I totally overlooked Le Reminet which is just down the street from Les Degres ( probably down that one - way street our taxi friend got pulled over on ) . When I visited it this time I discovered it was closed for the " winter holiday " . Next time . Me , too . When we touched down in Cincinnati it was 25 degrees colder than Paris . And I 'm still waiting for it to warm up ! Report Abuse Chloer , I guess in Paris everything is relative when it comes to newness . The Pont Neuf ( new bridge ) , for instance , is the oldest bridge in the city . So by some measure the Cirque d ' Hiver might be new . Built during the time of Napoleon III , so newer than , say , the Louvre , but older by far than your time in Paris in the 1960 's . Beatchick , the necklace I bought at Kazana has already had an unfortunate mishap . The fastener came off when I was putting it on to wear it for only the second time . I am not at all good with crafts , but I am going to try to wire on a new fastener or something . Nikki - I had to chuckle at your reply . I understand now that the Cirque d ' Hiver is a theater whose show is a circus . I 'm sure the building has been around maybe for centuries . But my point was that what is being shown is new . chloer , I hadn 't noticed the circus much in my planning either until I read a couple of trip reports here on Fodors which mentioned it . Sounded like a great idea , so I bought tickets . The theater has apparently been used for circuses since its construction in 1852 , and has been operated by the same circus family , the Bougliones , since 1934 . It appears that the theater is used during other seasons for concerts , fashion shows , movies , and wrestling ( ! ) , but during the winter season there is a circus . We went on the closing date for this year 's season . Great pictures ! Where is " furniture alley ? " Is rue de Charonne ( sp ? ) a furniture street ? Also , enjoyed the trip report very much . I 'm anxious for my trip in June / July . The alley with all the furniture was off rue du Faubourg Saint - Antoine . I didn 't record the name , but I believe there are several similar little passages in the area . The rue de Charonne is a street with some old furniture - related businesses and some newer boutiques , bars and restaurants . Interesting mix . Thank you SO much for directing me to your delightful " Paris in winter " trip report . I thoroughly enjoyed it , and now have no doubt that this is a lovely time of year to visit . I loved your circus review . . . LOL at the horse part ! My life totally revolves around horses , and I absolutely adore them , so that wouldn 't raise an eyebrow for me . But . . . the kids crawling around filthy airports ? Yikes ! I concur . . . scary ! Pretty please , could you tell more about the tiny little jewelry store where you bought earrings for your mother ? That sounds right up my alley . Not that I would have a snowball 's chance of finding it upon my arrival in Paris though . . . I 'm not the best with directions . Belinda , I 'm glad you found this helpful and hope you don 't blame me if you go to Paris in the winter and decide it was not the right choice . There isn 't much more to say about the jewelry store , which is located at 6 , rue St . Sulpice in the 6th arrondissement . The street is not that long , so you shouldn 't have trouble finding it once you get to the street , which runs behind the St . Sulpice church . It is the workshop of Dona Giacometti . All she makes are earrings , all with colored glass balls . My mother loves them , by the way , and tells me she wears them all the time . This is my 4th trip to Paris in 8 years , and I feel there are so many things to do and see that I must not miss . My husband , who is amused by my obsessive planning , just smiles and says we 'll have to start planning the next visit already ! Report Abuse |
I 've not been a very good blogger the last week or so . Too many things to do for Christmas and too little time to do them . And then , something happened that threw me off course a bit . I received my first rejection for my novel . Not my first rejection , just the first one for the novel manuscript . I was extremely disappointed , because I sent it as an exclusive submission , since I really wanted to work with that particular editor . But it was not to be . What do you do when you get a rejection ? Seriously . Do you scream , cry , cuss , throw things , slam doors , snarl at your spouse / significant other / parent / dog / cat ? I 'm truly interested in how other writers react or respond to rejections . My husband says I 'm not in the norm . I 'm not sure how he knows this , as he is not a writer , but he claims no one else would react the way I did . So . . . what did I do ? He handed me the envelope , with my address label on both the front and as the return . Of course I knew what that meant . A rejection . I looked at it for a moment , turned it over and over , until he said , " Aren 't you going to open it ? " Without responding , I opened it , and read the very nice , personally signed , rejection letter . I handed it to him , still without speaking . He read it , gave me a hug and said he was sorry . Then he stood there and stared at me . . . like , well , are you going to fall apart or what ? No , I didn 't fall apart . I didn 't cry , throw things or cuss the dog . I shrugged , and said , " I 'm disappointed , but this probably won 't be my last rejection . " I took the letter into my study , made a file folder for it entitled " Novel rejection letters , " and put it away . Since I started writing seriously 3 1 / 2 years ago , I 've had several things published and several rejected . I 've learned that a rejection is not the end of the world . It is . . . or should be . . . the impetus to edit and revise more studiously , to write more , to learn more , and to continue to submit . I 've also learned that a rejection is not a personal affront to me . It merely says that this editor did not like the story , my wriPosted by So today is Friday , December 11th . Only two weeks until Christmas , and I just started by Christmas shopping ! Oh , boy , what a mess . Since I hadn 't even bought our Christmas cards ( I intended to order them in November , but NaNo got in the way ) , I went to the only Hallmark store within 30 miles . Not only was it crowded , but it had only a meager supply of boxed cards . Another lady and I vied for the best place to look at them on the one shelf that was left , and she won . Shoot ! She finally left , two boxes of cards in hand , and I was left with an even more sparse collection to select from . I picked up two of the best that was left , which isn 't saying much . My husband is less than impressed . My next stop was at one of our lesser stores for shopping . Perhaps I should say , one of our ONLY stores for shopping . Unfortunately , our small county was hard hit with the economic recession , and the two nicest stores went out of business . Thus , we are left with Target , Kohl 's , Wal - mart , etc . Nothing to get excited about . . . unless . . . you get as frustrated as I was today , and then you might get very excited ! First on my list was my son . Because of his profession , he doesn 't wear a uniform , but does have to wear a certain type of clothing at work . I found the kind of shirts he wanted , but they were all short sleeved , and he needs long sleeves . So I went to the next person on my list , who was my husband . Found the kind of shirts he likes , but . . . only in long sleeves , and he wants short sleeves , even in winter . G R R R ! If those two could just get together . . . The day continued along those lines . I did find some of the things my daughter - in - law wanted , so I aced that . My grandson ? Forget it , he 's a teen - ager whose tastes change as often as his vocabulary . We 're giving him two brand new $ 100 bills in a pretty wrapped box , a Starbucks card and a phone card , so he is taken care of ! My granddaughters also get money , and I 've promised my daughter a painting for her and her new husband , so at least I don 't have to shop for them . I came home tired aPosted by Our Corgi , Dylan , woke us up this morning about 5 : 30 . He was sitting up in his crate , growling low in his throat . At first , I suspected an intruder but the alarm had not gone off , so I realized it couldn 't be a person . That left a bird or an animal . My husband was too sleepy to get up , so I did . I let Dylan out of his crate and together we tiptoed out to the family room . I pulled the drape and turned on the patio light . Nothing stirred . Dylan grumbled again . He turned around and went to the front door . I couldn 't open the front door with the alarm on , and I was hesitant to turn it off . So I opened the blinds in the dining room and peered out into the darkness . The wind was blowing , and since our outdoor / indoor thermometer read 29 degrees F . , I knew it was bloody cold out there ! Besides , I didn 't see anything moving . Until . . . a rose bush moved ever so slightly . Then I saw a pair of eyes staring steadily into mine . If we had still been on the ranch , I would have thought . . . Coyote ! . . . or maybe even . . . Cougar ! But no cougars here on the outskirts of our small town . Always coyotes , but . . . it just didn 't seem right . Dylan growled again . The thick hair on the back of his neck and around his broad chest was sticking straight up . Uh oh . Whatever it was out there , he didn 't like it . It was black as a raven 's wing outside . However , my eyes were getting accustomed to the darkness , and the rose bushes were becoming slightly more distinct . I saw the one closest to the front door move again , and when it did , Dylan growled more loudly . He could smell or sense the being out there , even though the door was still closed . Okay , I had to do something . For one thing , I was freezing , and for another , my curiosity was getting the best of me . So it was either go back to bed and get warm , make Dylan stop growling ( good luck with that ) , or . . . turn off the alarm and open the darn door ! I chose the latter . I told Dylan " Quiet ! " as I carefully opened the door . His little body quivered against my leg , but he stopped growling . I stood for a moment , with Posted by Christmas is coming ! Are these words to strike terror in your heart , or do they make your heart sing ? For me , it is a combination of the two . I hate Christmas shopping ! Of course , I 'm one of the few women I know who hates shopping of any kind for any reason , and having to shop for gifts turns my blood to ice . I use the Internet to shop online as much as possible , but inevitably , children or grandchildren give me their lists with items impossible to find except in . . . STORES . I don 't like crowds , consequently my claustophobia kicks in , especially if I 'm waiting in a checker 's line with impatient and impolite people pushing and shoving behind me . I don 't like finding just exactly what someone asked for , only to discover it is the wrong size , by the wrong singer , or not Blue Ray . . . whatever that is . So . . . guess who puts it off as long as possible ? You got it ! Here it is , December 7th , and I 've yet to start . I 'll be impossible to live with by Friday . On the other hand , I love Christmas ! I love the decorations , the pagentry , the enticing smells coming from all the kitchens in the homes I visit . I love decorating our house : my husband made a 1 / 2 life size Nativity set , with angels , the three Wise Men , two camels , Mary , Joseph , Baby Jesus , and the Manger . It sits on our front lawn from the first weekend in December until the weekend after New Year 's . We have lights shining on it , and a blue light spotlighting Mary and Joseph as they knee beside the cradle holding the Baby . Every year I spend almost a week baking for my family and friends ( no writing ! ) . I paint a gift card individualized for each person , line a Christmas basket with festive paper and ribbons , and pack each one with cookies and candy . On the ranch , my husband and I would load up the saddle bags and ride our horses to each of the neighboring ranches to deliver our goodies . Now , we walk or drive to our friends ' homes . I miss riding the horses . I miss seeing them with their bridles decorated with miniature battery - run lights , and the Santa hats I made for them pePosted by I finished my NaNo novel last night . 50 , 630 words about an eleven year old precocious girl who creates more mischief than even she ever dreamed of ! But it isn 't a story I 'm really happy about , in its present form . I think once I go back and start the editing and revision process , it will come together better and I will be more satisfied . The last 5 or 6 days of the story were real work . I felt like I was batting my head against a stone wall , and was just writing to get those 50 , 000 words in , so I could say I was a winner . That 's not how I want to write . I 've said I won 't do it again . At the moment , I 'm definitely not planning on doing it again . I 'm wondering if I have the wrong idea about this whole NaNo thing ? I know that the initial idea is to get people off their duff , and get them to writing . I know that you 're supposed to use the 30 days and the 50 , 000 words to at least get the bare bones , the skeleton of the story down , and that supposedly , it is something you wouldn 't have done if it hadn 't been for NaNo . Is that true ? That 's not a rhetorical question . . . is it true ? Is it true , that IF we are writers , we actually need something like the NaNo challenge to get us up off our respective duffs and writing ? I 'm sorry , but I don 't believe that . If a person is a writer . . . really , truly committed to writing with the thought and hope of publishing . . . then why do we need something like this to get us motivated ? It 's true that for me , I had this idea about Lily Leticia rolling around in my mind for over a year . It 's true that so far , I had not written one word about her . ( Other than her name , that is . ) But . . . I 've been busy with finishing my ICL course and my novel . Then busy with final editings and getting the novel off to a publisher . But once that was done , I would have started on her story . Instead , I chose to wait until now , and do it for the NaNo challenge . To me , it 's a little like climbing Mt . Everest . . . a lifetime accomplishment that very few people in the world ever do . But once you 've done it , why do it again , whenPosted by Today I was thinking about writing ( yes , thinking about it , not doing it ) , and my mind drifted back to the very first time I wrote anything . I realized that this journey I am on today began many years ago . I was 10 years old and had three beautiful little kittens , Trouble , Mischief , and Good Boy . You guessed it , Trouble and Mischief were little girls ! One day I sat down and wrote a poem about them . It was out of the blue . I loved to read , but had never written anything except my assignments in school . My mother was a children 's book editor for a large newspaper , so she took my poem in and it was promptly published . The second time was when I was 12 . I was training a young mare for a horse show , and one day when I went out to the barn , she had suddenly gone blind . My vet said there was nothing they could do for her . Being the stubborn and persistent person I am , I refused to give up on her , and continued to train her using voice as well as foot and rein signals . I entered her in the horse show without telling the officials she was blind . We won the two classes she was in , and it was only then that they found out about her blindness . My story was written up in the newspapers , and so I wrote my own story about my mare and training her , and submitted it to a Children 's Digest magazine . ( Not the same one as today , the old one went defunct many years ago . ) It was published and I received a whole $ 10 for it ! Other than school , I didn 't write anything else until my second go - round in college , after I was married and had children . I took a cultural anthropology course , and for my final grade , wrote a short book of Haiku poetry . The college published it for their library , but I didn 't get any money for it . Again , that was it for a long time . When we lived on the ranch , I wrote articles for the Appaloosa club newsletter , and other little tidbits of horse " stuff , " but that was all . . . until one night shortly before Christmas , 1996 . My husband and I were both on our computers ; he was doing some business and I was goofing aroundPosted by It 's been a week since I wrote anything here , mostly because I 've been so wrapped up in my NaNo story that I haven 't taken the time to do anything else . I 'm up over 41 , 000 words , which is great , because now I can take the time Wednesday to cook for Thursday and not feel bad about it . But that 's the only good thing about this story ! At least , at the moment . I realized today , as I was rereading what I had written . . . I know , I know , you 're not supposed to do that , and now I wish I hadn 't . . . anyway , I realized that I don 't have one cohesive story , I have two not - so - cohesive stories ! Oh yes , Lily Leticia has gone off on a tangent , and I 'm not sure how to get her back on track . It is the tangent that made me think I have two stories . Actually , I know I have two stories , but the trick now is to get them back together to be one . . . for the moment , anyway . My husband said , " Why bother ? No one will be reading it until you 've edited and revised , so who will know ? " Always the logical one . The point is : I will know ! So , once I do get through this , instead of making Lily Leticia the MC of a full - length novel , I think I will be able to do two short - chapter books instead . I 've never written a short - chapter book , so this will be a good learning experience for me . As I was rereading this morning , it occurred to me that I didn 't really know what the theme of this story is . So I got to thinking about themes , which are almost as much a bugaboo for me as outlines are . Do you write around a theme ? I don 't . I suppose I could if someone said you have to have your theme first . But I 've always " just written , " and then have occasionally been surprised at the end when I realized what the theme of the story actually was . When I wrote The Year of the Scream , my theme was relationships . But I didn 't start out with that in mind . I was about 1 / 4 of the way through the novel when I was pleasantly surprised to see that my story DID have a theme , and I already knew what it was ! With Lily Leticia , I 'm almost through and I still don 't know what the theme is . ThePosted by My husband asked me yesterday how my NaNo novel was coming along , and I told him it was frustrating because I wasn 't supposed to ' multi - task . ' He thought I had lost my mind , and asked me how I could multi - task when I am writing . So that made me think about that term and how it applies . . . or if it really did . . . to writing . My decision was that yes , it does apply . Let 's think about that for a moment . The term means to do more than one thing at a time , right ? Well , isn 't that what you are doing , however unconsciously it might be , when you are writing ? You start with a plot . Or more correctly , perhaps , you start with an idea for a plot . You throw that idea around for awhile and then you start to write . Do you only write the plot for hours on end ? Of course not ! What comes after the plot ? Usually , characters , right ? So now you have to work on developing characterization , and fitting those characters into your plot . Sometimes they all work right in , but more often you have to change someone or even delete someone , because that character simply isn 't going to work . . . at least , not at the moment . Then there is dialogue . Your characters talk , don 't they ? So you have to give them dialogue . But wait ! That 's not as easy as it sounds ! You have to give them each a voice , too . You can 't have MC Jane Doe sounding exactly the same as Joe Blow , the secondary MC . Now you are getting into really sticky wickets . The voice has to be individual , it has to fit the character , it has to blend into the dialogue precisely , and of course , all this has to be worked into the plot . WHEW ! That was hard work ! But wait ! You 've only done all this for your MC ! What about your secondary MC , and then all the other minor characters that have suddenly appeared to take part in the plot ? Each of them speaks , right ? So each of them has to have dialogue . . . AND . . . and an individual voice . The voice has to fit the character , and it has to fit . . . well , you know . Okay , so you 've got all that down pretty well , and you 're beginning to feel good about how this is going , rigPosted by I 've been so involved with my NaNo story I haven 't even thought about blogging . I am at 19 , 000 + words , so I 'm over the daily quota for Wednesday and almost to Thursday 's quota . Guess that 's a good thing , as I 'm trying to get ahead and stay there so I can take the day before Thanksgiving off for baking , and Thanksgiving Day for eating ! The story is coming along , although I already know that I 'm going to have a lot of revisions to do . I have gone back and read what I started out with , and have created a problem that has had no resolution or follow up . It 's just hanging there , swaying in the breeze . Lily Leticia may like it , since she created it and has had no consequences resulting , but that is definitely not going to last . . . at least , not past December 1st ! The story has a lot of dialogue but not much action . I don 't like that . But , revisions are not a part of the NaNo project , so fixing it is going to have to wait . Speaking of dialogue , do you like to write it ? Some of my writer friends say they hate it . They can come up with all kinds of actions , problematic situations , and concise and realistic conclusions , but their characters ' dialogues " stink . " I like to write it . I have fun making sure that my character 's actions and body language fit her or his dialogue . Did you know that body language is as important in a story as it is in real life ? Did you know that body language can speak volumes in a story just as it does in real life ? For example , suppose you have a teen girlfriend / boyfriend situation . The boy is explaining why he can 't drive the girl home from school as he always does . The scene goes something like this : Hunter : " I 'm sorry , Lauren , but I have to go to the library and do some serious studying for my history test tomorrow . I gotta spend a couple hours there , so you 'll have to walk home today . " Sounds okay , right ? Except for the body language : Hunter has his hands in his pockets , and Lauren sees his fingers moving around like little mice caught in a trap . She looks at him , but he avoids her eyes , looking dowPosted by It 's the fourth of November , and I 'm going crazy with my NaNo story ! I 've never written anything before without editing and revising as I go along , and not doing it now is driving me up a wall . But my story is bursting out all over . . . and I do mean , all over . I have no idea where it is going to end up . At least I have a semblance of a plot , and some really neat characters , but where they are going to take me , I 'm not at all sure . I guess I 'll just wait and be surprised on the 30th of the month ! Some of my writer friends tell me they usually have a problem with point of view , so let 's talk about that a little . Do you usually write in 1st person or 3rd person ? Until I began my most recent novel , I had always written in 3rd person , which many seasoned writers recommend . But AJ 's story begged to be told from her POV , so I wrote in 1st person , but past tense . The problem with 1st person is that your MC has to be in every scene . Everything that happens has to occur , and be interpreted , through the eyes of the MC . That can place a lot of restrictions on what you are writing . What is said behind the MC 's back ? What happens when she is not present ? Sometimes these things are important to the storyline , and if so , then you really can 't write in 1st person . I believe that I did a fairly intelligent job with AJ . . . of course , that remains to be seen when the editor reads the manuscript . Because this particular novel was character driven , it wasn 't hard to have AJ in every scene . But what about those of you who have stories that are plot driven ? That 's when you have to make the decision to write in 3rd person , so all of the important characters can make their individual contributions to keep the plot active and on track . One character can 't do that . Another thing about 3rd person is that it gives you , the writer , a lot more leeway and flexibility in your writing . You can be more descriptive as the author , but more important , you can move in and out of your characters ' lives , thoughts and emotions , as well as showing their reactions Posted by Today is a better day than the last time I posted . Bruin , our Blue & Gold Macaw , is out of the hospital , taking his meds well , and is once again playing . Oh yes , and he and Shadow ( our African Gray parrot ) are arguing like they usually do . So let 's talk a little about creative non - fiction . What is creative non - fiction , you ask ? Well , let 's see . First , it 's a story . Second , it 's factual . Third , it imparts information to your readers ( kids ) without them realizing that they are actually learning something ! When I had my first creative non - fiction assignment , I wrote about the rainforest in the Amazon . I wrote from the POV of a young American boy on vacation with his parents . He was taking a tour of the rainforest , led by a young Indian boy who lived there . My MC learned all sorts of interesting things about the 4 layers of canopy in a rainforest and the different flowers and vines that grew in them . He also learned about one specific animal or bird that lived in each layer of the canopy . He learned the name of the animal or bird , what it looked like , what it ate , where it lived and why it lived in that specific part of the rainforest . This was creative non - fiction ( CNF ) because , first , it told a fictional story about the two boys , and second , because all the facts in the story were true . When we write pure non - fiction , all we are doing is putting together specific facts about something in some kind of logical and / or cohesive form . It 's usually dry , dull and boring reading , and why we all . . . but kids especially . . . hate reading it . But when we write CNF , we create a fictional story around some type of facts . CNF should have a story arc , characters , setting , details and sometimes , even conflict and resolution . Suppose , for example , you were asked to write a non - fiction piece about the origin and development of carrousels . Now , you could get all the facts available from library books , journal articles and websites , sit down , put them in chronological order , and write your article . Factual , true , correct bibliography , and . . . wPosted by There 's not too much to write about today . . . I hope . My blue and gold Macaw , Bruin , is in the hospital . Last night he started coughing and could barely breathe . Our local vet hospital is open 24 / 7 , but they don 't have avian vets , and the only two in this whole county don 't do weekend / emergency work . So we took Bruin in , and they gave him a shot of antibiotic and put him in an incubator where they could run oxygen in all night . We called this morning , and he made it through the night , but they still don 't know what 's wrong . We have to find an avian vet today , somewhere . On top of that , I have a dental appointment today , and need to get my first query letters out to editors for my novel . I 've been procrasting on that , and don 't really know why . Fear of rejection , maybe ? One of the reasons I 've been procrastinating is because I keep rewriting my query . My ICL instructor told me the first version was great , so why do I keep editing it ? I don 't know . . . every time I read something about queries , or a sample , I think . . . hmm , I don 't have that , maybe I should include it . But then , I have to leave something else out , because the letter is only supposed to be one page . I absolutely have to be satisfied with some version this week , because I 've got to send it out before NaNo begins . Speaking of which . . . so far , I have the names of my characters , who they are , what part they play in Lily Leticia 's life , and that 's it . I did issue a challenge to my fellow Writer 's Retreat members , though . I asked them how many were willing to begin their novels at 12 : 01 am on November 1st . That 's when I 'm going to start , but then , I 'm a night owl . What about you ? Are you up to beginning at 12 : 01 am on November 1st ? For all you NaNo writers , here is a schedule for the amount of words that you should be writing on a day by day basis : Day 1 : 1 , 667 words Day 15 : 25 , 005 wordsDay 2 : 2 , 334 words Day 16 : 26 , 672 wordsDay 3 : 5 , 001 words Day 17 : 28 , 338 wordsDay 4 : 6 , 668 words Day 18 : 30 , 006 wordsDay 5 : 8 , 335 words Day 19 : 31 , 673 wordsDay 6 : 10 , 002 words Day 20 : 33 , 370 wordsDay 7 : 11 , 669 words Day 21 : 35 , 007 wordsEnd of Week One ! End of Week Three ! ! ! Day 8 : 13 , 336 words Day 22 : 36 , 674 wordsDay 9 : 15 , 003 words Day 23 : 38 , 341 wordsDay 10 : 16 , 670 words Day 24 : 40 , 008 wordsDay 11 : 18 , 337 words Day 25 : 41 , 675 wordsDay 12 : 20 , 004 words Day 26 : 43 , 342 wordsDay 13 : 21 , 671 words Day 27 : 45 , 009 wordsDay 14 : 23 , 338 words Day 28 : 46 , 676 wordsEnd of Week Two ! ! Day 29 : 48 , 343 words Day 30 : 50 , 000 words End of Week Four ! ! ! ! WE DID IT ! ! ! 50 , 000 WORDS IN ONE MONTH ! WOO HOO ! ! ! ! ! ! All right , gang , see how easy it is ? Well , okay , so I 'm kidding . No one ever said it would be easy . But how about some more tips for making it as easy as possible ? 1 . Have plenty of caffeine on hand . French Vanilla is wonderful , it tastes great , has a touch of sweetness , and doesn 't need cream or sugar to dilute its ability to keep you awake . a . Don 't drink coffee ? Okay , no problem , high caffeinated tea will do just fine . Try Madagascar Cherry / Cinnamon . . . great flavor and your eyes will be wide open . . . a little dry , but wide open . 2 . At least as important as caffeine is CHOCOLATE ! Dark chocolate , milk chocolate , chocolate with caramel , mint chocolate , chocolate with almonds . . . it really doesn 't matter what kind of chocolate it is , it only matters that you have enough on hand to last for 30 days . But it 's fattening , you say ? Forget about that . Diets and healthy food must go out the window for the month of November . Only high caloric , high energy foods will suffice . You have all the rest of the year to think about healthy eating . 3 . Peanut butter and Jelly / jam / preserves . . . or almond butter , or cashew butter . . . any will be okay , as long as it 's paired with high sugar jam of some kindPosted by Panic is setting in ! What have I done ? I have signed up for NaNoWriMo for the very first time . Now why would I do that ? I have queries to write , chapters and synopses to get printed , all of these to get out to publishers , my second novel which is historical fiction already begun and 5 chapters written , and I 've signed up to write 50 , 000 words on a brand new novel in one month 's time ? ? ? And that month includes Thanksgiving , which means at least 2 - 3 days of no writing at all . I seriously think I 've lost my mind . If I 've lost my mind , perhaps some of you have , also . I can 't be the only crazy writer around here , can I ? ? So let 's talk about some ways we might be able to lessen the panic , and still get some productive work done . For those of you who outline . . . I 'm not one of you . . . doing your outline during the rest of October is a great idea . For those of you who are like me and don 't outline , here are some other suggestions . 1 . Get Organized ! I put this in red because I am NOT organized when it comes to writing . . . or anything else , my DH would say . Do you have a specific place to write ? A study , a den , your bedroom , the kitchen table ? Try to get ONE place for your computer and make it off limits for the entire month of November for anyone else in the family ! And if that means eating in the formal dining room , or on TV trays in the living room , , or making hubby and kids watch TV or do homework someplace else , so be it . After all , it 's only for a month , anyone can live with that , right ? 1a . Outline ? sticky notes ? : So okay , it 's all going to be in red . Have you outlined your novel ? I won 't talk about outlines because I hate them , and those of you who do decent outlines already know more about them than I do . And you can outline your novel this month , too . But I love sticky notes ! I have them on my computer , the window , my bookcase , three different places on my desk , one on my printer , two on the lamp shade , and I even tried to put one on Dylan last night , but he ate it . The sticky notes are ideas that come to mind in the middlePosted by I 'm back ! The storms are gone . . . for awhile . . . so I 'm able to get back on the Internet . The Central Coast of California is a beautiful place to live , with the aquamarine ocean sparkling in the sun , and the rolling hills that turn from pastoral green in the spring to brown velvet in the summer and back to green / gold in the fall . It is wonderful to watch the countryside complete its yearly fashion show , as it shows a different face each year , much like the runway models we see on television . There are just a few things on my mind today , as I get back into the realm of writing . A little bit of ' this ' and a little of ' that . ' First , let 's talk about " first lines . " This seems to be a big deal in publishing . Remember what you mothers used to tell you when you were little . . . you only get one chance to make a first impression ? That holds very true for things like query letters and fiction , when we 're either trying to get the attention of agents , editors , or our kid readers . . . or all three . Here are some of the classic first lines in children 's literature : 1 . " Where 's Papa going with that ax ? " said Fern to her mother as they were setting the table for breakfast . ( Charlotte 's Web , by E . B . White ) 2 . All children , except one , grow up . ( Peter and Wendy , by J . M Barrie ) 3 . It was a dark and storm night . ( A Wrinkle in Time , by Madeleine L ' Engle ) 4 . Mr . and Mrs . Dursley , of number four , Privet Drive , were proud to say they were perfectly normal , thank you very much . ( Harry Potter and the Philosopher 's Stone , by J . K . Rowling ) We are told we need a ' hook ' to grab the reader 's attention and draw them into the story . This hook should give an indication of what is to come , and make them want to keep reading . And this is true of both the first lines of a query letter and of fiction We want our first lines to make the reader ask questions about the story : Who is this character ? What is happening here ? How is this going to turn out ? If the reader is an agent or an editor , we also want them to say : I need to find out more about this story ; I am inPosted by Writing non - fiction seems to strike terror in the hearts of some writers ! Often it is not so much the subject of the non - fiction as it is the search for reliable , up - to - date and relevant sources that eagle - eyed editorial assistants can check out and find that they actually are reliable , up - to - date and relevant . The thing is , even when you are writing fiction , anything that you put into your story that is real must be accurate . You can 't have the location of your story be smack dab in the middle of Kansas farmland and talk about your MC living in a high - rise condominium . You need accurate descriptions of your settings and locations , characters that dress and speak appropriately for the time and place , and even dialogue that is reflective of the era and circumstances . So the bottom line is that you need to know how to do research for just about everything you write . . . non - fiction and fiction alike . We all know that a good library is probably the best research source around . . . or is it ? Today there are sources on the Internet that you can 't get in a normal city public library . But you have to be careful of what you are reading and citing . Wikipedia is an interesting site , but definitely one you do not want to use as a resouce . Editors will run screaming out of the room if they see that as one of your sources . Why ? Because a lot of what is on Wikipedia is not totally accurate , factual or up - to - date , and that is because anyone can write an article about something or someone and place it there . So the first big NO NO in research is to NOT use Wikipedia as part of your bibliography . It can be a good place to start , to see if your interest in a certain subject is justified , but let it go at that , and then start doing some real research . The Internet is both a blessing and a curse . A blessing because you can Google a word or a phrase and bring up literally thousands of sites that you can go to . But it is also a curse , because you are not always sure that your information is factual and current . What may have been accurate laPosted by When I was writing The Year of the Scream , I had a lot of decisions to make about my main character , AJ . Some of those decisions dealt with morals and ethics , yet I knew that I had to be very careful here , so that it wouldn 't seem as though I were trying to " teach " a moral lesson . I thought it might be beneficial to others if I told a little about what I ( and AJ ) went through . AJ is a wonderful , smart , sometimes funny ( humor is not my best subject ) young teen whose self - image is mostly dependent upon what others , specifically her best friends , think of her . Now this is somewhat a common problem with kids , especially those just entering their teens . They want to be popular , to " fit in , " so often they try to be something they are not . So one lesson AJ has to learn is that she can only be who she is , no matter what others think or say . She can pretend to be something she is not , but it 's only pretending . Eventually , she must learn that the only thing that really matters is what she thinks of herself , not what her friends think of her . And even though fictional , that is not easy to do . As her story goes along , she finds that she must make choices , right or wrong . We do that in real life , and we can 't always be right , so AJ can 't always be right , either . Sometimes this is harder to write than it is to live ! Since this is fiction , somewhere along the way she must find herself facing a moral dilemma , and she must show some kind of growth from the decision she makes , regardless of whether it is right or wrong . As writers , we usually learn that we must ask ourselves certain questions about our characters , and why they give us the answers they do . For me , those questions are : what does AJ love and why ? What does she hate and why ? What does she want and why ? What does she need and why ? And , what does she fear and why ? If I can answer those questions for her , then I will also know exactly what she wants out of life and what she will do ( or not do ) to meet her needs . I should also be able to know what could make her do sometPosted by |
I remember when I first learned that I 'd be blogging for The Basin Blog this month . I feared many things . What would I write about ? Would my writings be long enough ? Would anyone be interested in what I write ? Where would I even start ? I must admit that I 've really surprised myself . Particularly I 'm surprised that my grandmother came up so much in many of the blogs I 've contributed . Now as I sit here preparing my final contribution , looking out at the sunny Texas sky , I remember feeling and saying that I wanted readers to join me as I made Texas my home . And now as I say good bye , I remember that there is seldom a good bye without a hello . When we leave the nest to go on to school or our chosen future endeavors , we say good bye to our comfort zone and hello to the new world we 've made ourselves a part of . Those that know me know that I love to cook . I enjoy it to no end . Had it not been for grandma , I would have gone to culinary school . The thought of going to my own garden and picking up my vegetables and herbs is one that has seduced me for years . But I must admit , my thumb is not green , red or black maybe , but definitely not green . My sons are so tickled at the very thought of me trying to keep a plant alive , that they usually hold internal bets as to how long it will take me to kill it . My sixteen year old says that I kill everything green but money . But I 've wanted to do this for so long and the more I 've been here , in Texas , the more I 've learned that . . . I can do anything . Just like my mother and grandmother said . So keeping with the spirit of finding my heart , traveling outside of my comfort zone , and learning who I am away from all that has been around me all of my life . I realized that no matter how many plants I 've inadvertently killed in the past , I still want to master the art of actually growing something . I want to work hard at something , nurture it , and yield the fruits of my labor . . . sort to speak . I started with six landscape logs and an idea of what I wanted it to look like . That is all . But when I got home I realized that I had no way to cut the logs and I knew no one who could do it for me . So back to the chair thing that grandma instilled in me . I stood on my own and returned to the home store and purchased an electric circular saw . And so it began ! Examining my backyard for the perfect spot I remembered that I am a stickler for how things look and I wanted to make sure that if I did this project , I did it right . As you exit my back door , there is a small area that I initially thought would be perfect . Simply because it is right there and would require no work from me at all to extract herbs from it . However I was wrong . It was not the most ideal spot for the garden . One of the things about getting older is realizing that you 're not always right and more importantly , that that reality doesn 't have to be and intimidating one . So I began to really survey the yard and what I can only describe as a whisper spoke to me and said , " go to the side of the house . " I followed the whisper and it was beautiful over there . A long , wide strip of land stretching approximately twenty five feet long and ten feet wide , I knew immediately that was where the garden should go . Yet another great thing about growing older is that you also grow wiser . I felt it might be a good idea to watch and see how much sun the side of the house received . So I watched , and watched , and watched . For nearly ten hours the sun never left the side of my home . That was definitely the spot ! And I was ready ! With my spade and shovel in hand I began my work . After a while my iPod joined in , then my sun blocker , then my Off bug repellant . I hadn 't planned for any of these things to attend the garden party , but years of learning can come in handy and subconsciously when you least expect it . There is something about creating . There is something about starting from nothing and seeing , I mean really seeing what you can do . Achievement I think they call it . By the time it all started to come together I was in the backyard , dancing to Marvin Gaye , the Black Eye Peas , and Booney James . Dancing and digging , dancing and digging . And in the quiet of my own backyard I began to feel a peace unlike any I 've experienced ever . I feel good . I 'm older . I 'm wiser . I 'm secure . I 'm happier than I 've ever been . And I 'm loving every part of my life . I think about my grandmother and wonder what would she say now ? What would she say seeing me shovel dirt and haul it away in the beverage cooler ? What would she say to me coming to the yard , working , and thinking . . . " oh I can do this , " which always prompts another ride to the home store . What would she say to have seen a patch of green go from a mundane part of the yard to what is to become my herb garden ? What would she say had she seen me pick up an electric circular saw , put my two countertop stools next to each other to make a makeshift saw bench ? What would she have said when I pulled out my black and pink tool set , the one I keep hidden from my boys ? What would she have said when I sat in the grass to stain the wood so that it doesn 't turn ugly in years to come ? The beautiful thing about having had a relationship with someone is that they don 't have to be here for you to know what they would have said . I knew her and knew her well . We talked about everything . We shared everything . And as I continue to identify the fact that I no longer look for my heart , I 've found it and I learn more about it every day . I also carry my grandmother in it . She is with me . She is a part of me . She made me . And I never have to wonder what she would say . I can hear her more clearly now than I did when she sat over me as a young girl . She would look at me . Her eyes would become glassy . She would look at my tools . She would look at my gloves . She would look at my garden . Then she would look back at me and say simply , quietly , peacefully , and meaningfully . . . " my Misha . " 3 Comments » Grandmom used to always say " Camisha , every chair must stand on its own bottom . " I 'd listened to those words for more than half of my life . Sometimes she would say them when I hadn 't completed my chores and she had to remind me in her motherlove voice that not only was she not going to do them , but that I better do them before she finished her afternoon Pepsi . In that context , I never partially , let alone fully , understood what a chair had to do with the dirty dishes that I had to wash that I hadn 't completely gotten dirty all by myself . Other times she would say those words as I 'd become an adult and I called her regularly to complain about someone , most often my ex husband . And still she would say to me , " baby . . . every chair must stand on its own bottom . Again , I had no clue why my grandmother was still talking to me about chairs . I would call to cry , yell , vent , and anything else she could tolerate and all she would ever give me is something about chairs and all that . Still she never stopped repeating those words . Her entire life she 'd formed a relationship between me and these chairs yet it wasn 't until she had passed away and I needed to talk to her but couldn 't call her that I really heard the words , " every chair must stand on its own bottom . " There in my room , alone , after my divorce in 2009 , I sat on the balcony that extend from my bedroom , something I never would have been able to afford in Chicago , and I talked to my grandmother . I wondered what was I going to do . How was I going to make it in a new city , a new state , alone with three boys . She was no longer around and my mother was a good 2000 miles away . What was I going to do . For the very first time in my life , at the age of 37 I was alone . I pictured my grandmother sitting on the porch of her home on Fair street . I pictured her before the need for tanked oxygen , before the need to have someone else come in and clean the house for her because she could no longer move about from one room to the other without running out of breath or feeling tired . I pictured her younger days , when she would braid my hair as I sat between her legs . She masterfully balanced a cigarette out of the corner of her mouth while her left eye narrowed in on the fine corn roll she was planting on my head , meticulously so that not a one hair was out of place . I pictured the colorful dusters that she wore around the house , some Afrocentric , others colorful or thematic . I pictured my grandmother younger . The young Joyce Jean that had so many sayings about life that she shared with me knowing that one day I would appreciate them . One day I would understand them . And as I sat there thinking to myself , talking to my grandmommy , wondering how I was going to manage it all byself I heard her words , " baby every chair must stand on its own bottom . " And I finally understood . So in just those few minutes the seeds that she 'd planted for so many years had taken root without me even knowing . They were a part of me and knew me before I knew myself . They were actually directing my steps as I began to plan this new life ahead of me . My bottom was firmly planted , it was just waiting for me to have a seat . So I did and have been ever since . This week was no different . I decided that it was not a bad thing to be alone , that I should cherish it as a gift , because really and truly we are never ever completely alone . There is always a presence with us . Whether it is that of our elders or our God , we are never alone . As I consider what this statement means , I look back at my life and realize that this year marks the final year of my third decade . It is the end of my youth actually . I 've grown more within the last three years than I had ever allowed myself to previously . Together we went to New Orleans . That 's the wonderful thing about living in Houston . New Orleans , the very first place I ever visited , is merely a five hour car ride away . It is a relatively inexpensive get away . Two full tanks of gas , one hotel night , one night of valet parking , and all the Po Boys , oysters , gumbo , and beignets that I can comfortably afford . Initially I was scared to death . I remember calling Stan and hearing him say " Baby be careful . " I did my best to put on my brave voice and let him know that I was going to be just fine . I 'd prepared my GPS system , had my laptop and my Clear disc , had my cell phone , and knew what to do and what not to do . Most importantly , I knew to be in by 11 o ' clock . I remember looking researching the routes that it would take to get to NOLA . I must admit that I 'd never done anything like that before . My road trips were limited to traveling to Dyersburg with a car packed with family , some Church 's chicken , a few ham sandwiches and a ton of pop . My first time in New Orleans was in the year 2002 . I presented a paper there arguing that the Black Arts Movement should be written into ever literature curriculum . I 'll never forget the day before I presented my paper . I 'd never traveled outside of Chicago or Dyersburg . So to me , everything was supposed to look like one home or the other . That wasn 't the case in New Orleans . The buildings were hugged so closely together , each in its own color . Then some had balconies while others adorned shutters . It was not home . But I loved it immediately . I remember standing in the middle of Canal Street looking down Bourbon at all the buildings , the people , the bricked pavement . I was in such awe . My return years later was no different , but for very different reasons . I 'd done something that normally I never would have imaged , nor anyone who 'd known me for so many years . I 'd traveled by myself . . . and was happy . Along interstate 10 I looked at the buildings to my left , trying to remember where I should exit the expressway . To be honest I don 't remember what street I exited on , but I do remember that it felt right . It felt as if I were going in the right direction . And with a few straight traveled miles , a left here and a right there , I was back in the place that started my curiosity . I made a list of all the things I would do in the very short twenty hours that I would be away from home . Beignets and the Praline Connection were on the list of course . Then I would go to Two Sisters , the restaurant I never made it to in 2002 . But first I had to get checked in . Immediately I went to the hotel that I 'd stayed in before , the Sheraton on Canal Street . I pulled up in my Mustang , I 'd let the top down the moment at the first red light that stopped me after the expressway exit . The valets were really nice and let me go in to see if there were rooms available , which there were not . But in New Orleans fashion , the Concierge looked up a few of the hotels in the surrounding area and directed me toward the Intercontinental . I found my way with no problem at all . After checking in , my night was short but filled with excitement . I walked down St . Charles Avenue and stopped on Canal Street to watch the Gold Man perform for the corner crowd . After which many of us put a dollar or two in his bucket in exchange for a photo . He reminded us all that we could find him on Facebook . Then I headed down Canal in search of Acme Oyster Bar . Arriving there just in the nick of time before closing , I ordered a half dozen oysters on the half shell and read the wall of the Oyster Hall of Fame . I knew that I wouldn 't be making that list , for lack of trying of course . And so the night progressed . I made a few friends . A nice woman from Liberty Texas asked me to help her learn the electric slide that a crowd was doing in front of Howl at the Moon . I tried to teach her . She tried to learn . In the end I think she 'll probably stick to the Texas Two Step . But we both had a ball . I spoke to Stan a couple of times that evening , the last time I was on my way back to the hotel . Again he told me to be careful , and that he loved me . Again I thought to myself , where have you been all my life ? and told him " I will . And I love you too ! " I returned to my room , locked the door , and after the regular nightly festivities , I sunk into a luxuriously soft bed covered in the whitest sheets I 'd ever seen . Knowing that I would get up in the morning , find a great place to have an authentic New Orleans breakfast , and head back home when I felt the time was right , I began to drift off with this new sense of maturity . I 'd done it . As a grown woman I 'd planned something , didn 't make any excuses , didn 't lean on anyone else , kept my loved ones close at heart , and I 'd actually done something for me . As my eyes got heavier , my breathing slowed , my body weakened , I looked over at the hotel chair that sat near the window , the window that looked over New Orleans . I thought to myself , Good night Grandmommy . Read Full Post » " The way to a man 's heart is through his stomach . " Well I 'm no man , but that is the one characteristic I share with many of them . I love food , all kinds . From junk food to Italian food to soul food to any food , I am truly an equal opportunity foodployer ! Eating , and especially eating with those that we love , is such a seamlessly surreal experience . Many of us never bother to put into words how joyous , complete , nurturing , and inspiring it is to share a meal with the ones that we love . We merely do as we are accustomed to doing . We simply enjoy . I was raised by a wonderful group of women that believed the way to anyone 's heart was indeed through their stomach . Having an empty refrigerator was not the norm for my family . Not seeing a pot of something cooking , no matter what time of the day it happen to be , was always a sure sign that something was not right or that something needed to be tended to . We are all cooks . I , my sister , my mother , my grandmother , my aunties and my great grandmothers , we are all women that put their hearts into the meals that feed those we love . After all , when we feed others we are nurturing their souls with love from our hearts and ingredients from all of God 's gifts . It always was and still is a very interesting town . All the whites stayed to the north of the railroad tracks . Their homes were usually made of brick or some type of modest vinyl siding . All the blacks stayed to the south of the railroad tracks . Their homes were usually made of old used wood . They were small and box like . The porches often doubled for extensions of the kitchen . It was on the porch that the extra refrigerator sat alongside a table or two . There in Dyersburg , Tennesse , I first learned to love not only food , but the people who prepared it . Everything is big in Texas . This holds true for their restaurants as well . I remember when I first arrived in Houston . It was no Dyersburg , although , I 'm discovering Dyersburgish areas all the time . It was no Chicago , yet there are many areas that reminded me of home 's beauty , diversity , urbanness , and unfulfilled potential . I was blown away by the number of restaurants that surrounded this great city . Traveling along highway 59 , it is virtually impossible to count all of the restaurants waiting to feed locals and tourist alike . Still it was hard to find a great breakfast spot that was not commercial but instead was like being at home . Finding a great breakfast kitchen at home was as easy as going to 79th street , 87th street , 75th street , or anywhere on Western Avenue . I think of the smothered pork chops at Izolas , served with eggs over easy - just like I like them so that I can drown them in ground pepper and just a little salt . At Army and Lou 's I remember the enormous pancakes and homemade sausage . I was never able to finish a plate there . And on hurried mornings when mom and I had very little time , we 'd hit White Castle on 79th street to grab a great " just like grandma would make " egg sandwich , always with two strips of bacon . There is no Army and Lou 's here . No Izola 's , and definitely no White Castle . But those flavors still remain on my pallet . The aromas still tickle my nose . The remnants of fullness continue to haunt my heart . The taste of home still lingers in the private place between my tongue and my frenulum ( fancy word huh ! I googled it ) . After writing last week 's blog , I immediately began to look for a new place to experience and share . I knew that I 'd be dining alone , so I began to work early on accepting the fact that there was no mom to call , no sister to call , and no last resort friend to treat just for the company . Little did I know that I wouldn 't be alone at all . My son DeVon had flown in from Dallas and he was all too willing to go grab a free meal with his mom . So off we were to Rio Ranch on Westheimer in Houston for Sunday Brunch . Rio Ranch was technically about twenty minutes from my house . Since I 'm more familiar with where things are in Houston , but not necessarily how to get there , the trip took us about forty five minutes and a half of a quarter 's tank of gas , much more than necessary . Still , the ride was really cleansing . DeVon is approaching twenty years of age and is on his own for the first time in our lives . We 've both hit a rather rocky road towards his manhood , but we are starting to come upon the more scenic and enjoyable parts of our trip together into his own . The extra twenty minutes gave us time to talk about his new home near Dallas , the friends he 's met there so far , and his progressing plans . It was nice , talking to the son I 'd raised , the one that disappeared on me for a short time . Rio Ranch offered an enormous buffet selection . I 've had to get used to the idea of breakfast tacos since I 've been here . They 're actually pretty good , and Rio Ranch does a wonderful breakfast taco station with refried and charro beans , guacamole , salsa , huervos , pico de galo , and flour tortillas . Then there was my favorite station at any brunch buffet , the waffle and pancake station . In addition , there was the omelet selection , where the gentleman dressed in chef 's white with a black baseball cap , made whatever type of omelet one could imagine . In the middle of the breakfast area sat a vast array of sweet and ripe fruits , yogurts , cereals , potatoes , pastries , bagels with cream cheese , lox , capers , and Bermuda Onions and an assortment of meats . We sat close to each other and just like he used to do whenever we went out " cheating " on his brothers , he waited for me to go to the buffet first . I returned with just a few fruit items , my half of a waffle with strawberries , and an Activa . I really need that these days . Then it was DeVon 's turn . In true DeVon fashion , he returned with a plate full of pancakes and French toast , both drowned in berries , pecans , whipped cream , and maple syrup . His other plate contained a couture omelet full of his favorites ; bell peppers , onions , ham , jalapeno peppers , bacon , tomatoes , and chives . Then of course his meal wasn 't going to be complete without his two meat selections . He chose both sausage and bacon . I topped off my meal with a great $ 4 mimosa . As for Devon , me being the wonderful mother that I am , I ordered my growing almost man an ice tall glass of milk ! And finally . . . we talked . While the waiter cautiously , politely , and considerately monitored our table to see when we were in need of anything , I listened to the son I 'd worked nineteen years on . As the manager came and asked us if we were okay , I looked at the son I admired with all my heart . As we overheard the couple seated next to us and laughed about how nurturing the woman was being to her husband , almost motherish , I looked at my growing manchild and remembered that Dyersburg feeling . I recalled that feeling of eating collard greens cooked with smoked meat and served with garden fresh tomatoes . I remembered that feeling of watching my grandmother Joyce slowly sip on her second Pepsi of the day , before 3pm . I lingered on that feeling of knowing that while grandma kneeded her dough , I 'd have to wait until the next day to actually eat what was to become freshly prepared yeast rolls . I recalled what eating was and what it wasn 't . It 's never really about the food at all . It 's almost always about the company . Thank you Rio Ranch for a great Sunday brunch . Thank you DeVon for the great company . By now everyone has heard the old phrase " Home is where the heart is . " Generations ago , that phrase may have been quite appropriate . You see then , our hearts couldn 't be in too many different places . Beginning generations lacked the postal service . Many generations lacked the telephone . Other generations lacked television . Several generations lacked the internet , email , Facebook , MySpace , and the like . " Once upon a time " all we had was each other and what was immediately in front of us . Times have changed however . There is so much now that captures our hearts . For generations we have had the luxury of sending and receiving mail . We 've been privy to picking up the telephone and calling loved ones , no matter how far from us they may have been . During those times our only concern was ensuring that we didn 't talk too long or didn 't call too much , no matter how much we missed those that we adored . No one liked long distance phone bills , a term that my sixteen year old would contemplate with a great deal of confusion but no concrete conclusion . " Home is where the heart is . " can encompass a multitude of expressions now . Chicago was my heart , and I left it in 2007 to move to Houston . While in Houston , I remember the very first time I realized that my heart was in Chicago . I was in Walmart trying to find the bread . Their aisles were so completely different than ours in Chicago . Although I had no doubt that their Walmart had existed long before ours had , Chicago had just recently started to sprout the infamous we have everything you could ever want or need , cheap stores . The ones in Chicago , the ones at home , just seemed to make more sense . Their layout was more rational and realistic . But in Houston , everything seemed to be all over the place , except the bread . I couldn 't find the bread for the life of me . So there I stood , in the middle of some aisle crying , breaking down , because I couldn 't navigate my way around the unfamiliar familiar store to get a funky loaf of wheat bread . What did I do ? I called my mother . Together we worked through my melt down and she began to remind me of how smart I can sometimes trick people into believing I am . " Baby , where are you . " She spoke in her nurturing voice . Although she herself was going through the pain of her first born being gone for the first time ever . I began to look around and for the first time after hearing my mother 's voice I started to size up the store and actually get my footing . I noticed that the produce was in the front , yet to the side . Like many stores at home . The main difference is that the produce wasn 't along a wall like at home . It was actually its own aisle . I looked around and then decided to walk to the end of the aisle . It was then that I noticed the next few aisles were refrigerated aisles . So my assessment of the store began . I am now divorced , living with two of my sons , missing my family yet kept company by a few new and great associates , and I have a wonderful job . As I blog this month I thought it would be a great idea to find new places in Houston and tell you all about them , fixing two meals with one ingredient I like to say . I hate that saying " Killing two birds with one stone . " Now residing in Houston , Texas , writer and educator Camisha Williams , pen name Darien DeVon , is a Chicago native who completed her MFA at Chicago State University 's Gwendolyn Brooks Writing Center and holds an M . Ed from the University of Houston . A finalist of the 2002 New Millennium Competition , her work " Death Came Bearing Gifts " sparked the completion of her first manuscript , A Father 's Love , an intimate look at the role a father 's absence plays in the life of his daughter . Her works have also appeared in the journal , Reverie , the Sugar Land Magazine , and Helium . com . An avid writer of creative nonfiction , Camisha enjoys writing about the human experience . Her work digs deep into the true spirit of emotions with a raw , in - depth , and sometimes painfully truthful exploration of the motivation behind those that love , and ultimately those that also hurt . When not taking pen to paper , or fingers to keyboard , Camisha can be found spending her days teaching English at Houston Community College , learning the Houston area , cooking and writing , and spending time with the man whom she proclaims to be " the love she always should have had " and her three boys . |
Pudding is two weeks old today . Yes , she 's here ! and such a source of joy . Strangely enough , I went into labor less than three hours after I posted my previous entry . ( Erik actually read the post between my contractions , at my request . ) I was never sure I would be writing my birth experience here , but I figure I 've been so open about the rest of the pregnancy that it would be unfairly obscuring a very significant part of it if I left it out . In fact , during the earliest stages of labor , I felt compelled to record what I was feeling , so in between contractions I jotted some observations into my phone . The rest I 've filled in , in bits and pieces , in the days after birth . It 's a long account , but I 'm okay with that . There is already more silence and mystery around labor and birth than there needs to be . No pressure to read it , I won 't be offended . This was the first hour of timeable contractions , sensations that had that bell curve they told us about ( initial mild sensation building to a crest and then decreasing in intensity ) . It 's been an odd , hunkered - down day and then I had diarrhea and the contractions started not long after that , though I didn 't realize immediately what they were , as they were coming far apart and didn 't feel anything like I expected - more a strong feeling of downward pressure than encircling pain . It wasn 't until I had to stop mid - activity to lean over a chair and wait out the feeling that it occurred to me what was happening . Erik put on fresh sheets and turned on the heater and closed the curtains and I got into bed with the phone and iPad for what I expected to be a lazy quasi - nap … but then the feelings returned and we decided to try timing them just in case , and pretty soon it became clear there was actually something to time . Each contraction felt like its own thing so I was surprised when Erik reported that a pattern was already emerging . The doctor had said not to call until they were five minutes apart , lasting 45 - 60 seconds apiece , and had been going on for at least an hour . I figured we had a long way to go , but then Erik told me they 'd been coming 12 minutes apart and were lasting anywhere from 39 to 88 seconds ; I was surprised that both the 12 minute intervals , and the minute - plus duration , felt shorter than I would have expected them to . I 'd been told labor would completely skew my sense of time but I didn 't expect that to happen so soon ! Meanwhile , between the contractions Pudding was extremely active , and weirdly enough I had to pee copiously after almost every contraction . I 'm in good spirits , grateful for Erik , shockingly hungry and thirsty . Wondering when I should give people a heads - up that something is happening . 8 : 16 PM 9 : 39 PM Another snack , another poop , and more of my mucus plug ( it started to come out over the last two hours ) . Contractions now average 6 minutes apart and 40 seconds ' duration . I feel a lot of them in my lower back and I 'm achier in between , but it 's still very manageable . Erik is washing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen in short bursts between them ! He 's timing on his phone with the Full Term app ( we downloaded it after reading this incredible birth story ) and it 's extremely helpful . I kept on having contractions and eating and drinking and peeing until shortly after midnight when we phoned the office and reached the on - call doctor . We had hoped she would give us a definite answer on whether to go to the hospital - if you show up too early they 'll send you back home - but it seemed that she couldn 't say because my water hadn 't broken . She asked Erik , " Is Lisa very uncomfortable ? " which has to be the most inane question ever in this context ! But she said she would phone the hospital to let them know to expect us . I still felt that the contractions were doable , and I enjoyed the cozy atmosphere we 'd made at home , but we knew there was a balance to be struck between continuing to labor at home and leaving for the hospital before it became too uncomfortable to travel . We decided that Erik would finish packing our bags ( they needed last - minute stuff like food , phone chargers , etc ) and feed Lyapa , but take his time doing so , so we didn 't head out too soon . Erik had been helping me through the contractions but I had to do some on my own while he was loading the car ; of course I got through them but I did think at the time how grateful I was he was there for the others . It 's worth saying something here about the contractions in general . I had been told that although they would inevitably hurt , they are highly individual , so there is no way of knowing beforehand what yours will feel like . One account I read described them as feeling like the tightening of a barbed wire belt ; meanwhile , my mother said hers never hurt until we were about to come out . Probably the best preparation I did for them was in prenatal yoga , when our teacher Rosy had us hold uncomfortable poses for one minute while breathing through the sensations . When it came time for the real thing , Erik helped by supporting me physically ( I leaned on him or held his hand or arm ) , breathing or vocalizing along with me , and telling me ( in the early stages ) how many seconds had passed so that I was able to get a sense of wheThis is where my brain was by the time we stepped out our door : I had enough foresight and presence of mind to think about the weather , but not enough energy to look up the forecast or even ask Erik to do so . So I opted to wear my shoes instead of my easier - to - put - on sandals , in case it was raining when we left the hospital ( the right choice , as it turned out ! ) . I wore my favorite lounging dress , over undies but no bra , and put a comfy sweatshirt on top . I felt calm and excited , though there was a dreamlike quality to everything . As Erik locked up I had to lean over the banister and have another contraction , but afterward I remarked that it was a beautiful night , and it was : cool and clear , with that illusion of perfect stillness when the rest of the world seems to be in slumber . After I got into the car I shook uncontrollably , which is very common in labor ; it would happen again when I got to the hospital . I had another contraction as we turned onto the main road ; we both said , now that we 're in the car I can make more noise , and indeed , by the time we arrived at the hospital it seemed that the only way to get through the contractions was to moan through them : they were getting stronger . As we drove down the nearly deserted streets I said this whole journey has been surreal and now this is the most surreal part of it all , something I 've always wondered about : the " I 'm in labor " drive to the hospital . I hadn 't thought I would be so lucid during this drive but in spite of that time - standing - still quality of the late hour and the momentous occasion , I felt quite clear - headed . Also to my surprise , I didn 't notice any bumps on the road . I told Erik anyway as we left our driveway that bumps weren 't going to matter because when I was fine it was all fine , and when I was not there was nothing that would make it better . Very true . It was a very short drive with no traffic , but even so , I felt then and feel now that I passed through some kind of transition between home and the hospital . By the time we arriActive labor ( in hospital ) We found parking not too terribly far from the entrance and I said I could manage the walk . At the ticket booth I had to stop entirely and turn to Erik and hold on to him when another contraction hit . A security guard , or maybe the ticket booth attendant , was walking by - a Latino man , middle - aged - and I utterly didn 't care that he saw ; there was no hiding anything at that point and anyway I figured ( still lucid enough to think of this ) he 'd seen it many many times before . I stopped again just before the main doors for another contraction . We got inside and the Black woman at the main desk simply said , benevolently , " Third floor , " and off we went . There was a young East Asian couple sitting in the waiting area and I wondered vaguely why they weren 't having a baby and what they thought of us . I had another contraction before we got to the elevators . I also pondered using the restroom near the elevators but decided I 'd rather not go alone . We went upstairs and security pointed us to check - in , and I had another contraction while waiting to be registered . The desk staff seemed utterly unconcerned with me ; in fact we had to wait while they did something else , and though I was past much critical thinking I was simultaneously vaguely annoyed they weren 't doing everything to help me and reassured because it meant I was nothing they hadn 't seen before . The triage nurse was very nice but the triage process seemed to take forever . I peed ( another contraction in the restroom ) , got into a gown and onto the exam table , and while she asked me questions ( seemingly many and irrelevant ) I had contractions ; she told me to relax during them and not clutch at Erik , and I did so as best I could . I remember thinking her coaching was very soothing and I managed to tell her so . Finally she got around to examining my cervix and established that I was 4 - 5 cm dilated , about halfway to full dilation . Our admittance papers say it was 3 : 30 AM by this point . While the triage nurse was attempting to reach my doctor a young Asian nurse named Janelle came and fetched us and we walked to room 11 ( actually 3211 or something like that ) . I had another two or three contractions along the way . I got into the bed and she put an IV and fetal heartbeat monitors on me , checked if I needed drinks , and then mostly left us alone . I remember feeling a bit miffed at that - what was the point of being in the hospital if they were just going to abandon us ? ! - but also I remembered that when we were making our birth plan I had wanted it to be just Erik and me , with minimal hospital staff around ! And I didn 't need her , in truth ; I just felt somehow that it would be better to have a professional around . The rest of this phase is mostly a blur . The room was dim , I held onto Erik 's hand a lot , I moaned as loudly as I pleased . At one point , after a particularly intense contraction , I remarked to Erik that if my pre - labor self could have heard my moans she would have been alarmed , but she shouldn 't be ; I 'd read somewhere that mothers ' labor moans are " work noises " and I think that 's actually a very good description . They were not - at least for me - the groans of agony that I had always assumed , they were just the necessary sounds of this particular kind of work . Like tennis players ' grunts ! Janelle came in sometime to report that she 'd spoken to our doctor who was half an hour away and wanted to be called again when I was " complete " ( meaning fully dilated ) . Before three hours had passed , I was so glad to hear Janelle say sprightly after checking my cervix , " Good news ! " Soon after that our doctor called again to say she was 15 minutes away and hoped I wouldn 't have the baby before she arrived ! When our doctor finally turned up I was very glad to see her and thought , now we will soon be done . It felt like surely things would be speeding up . Our doctor examined me and noted that my bag of waters ( the amniotic sac ) hadn 't broken but said I could push if I wanted to . Janelle mentioned that her shift was ending and she hoped she 'd get to see the baby ! Also , my second dose of antibiotics ( precautionary , because I tested GBS positive ) would need to be at 7 : 15 AM and it was now 6 - the doctor said confidently that she didn 't think I would be in labor long enough to get to that . Unfortunately , though her instincts had been solid throughout my pregnancy , she was very wrong on that point . I started pushing , with the doctor and nurse and Erik helping , in a spirit of hopeful anticipation of a quick job . Pushing , though , felt counterintuitive as they instructed me to hold my breath while bearing down , and that goes so strongly against my training in yoga and Pilates and every other kind of physical work I 've ever done . It was also a weird position to be in , with my legs up and me grabbing them , but I didn 't feel I could do any squats or anything else at that point . I was feeling a lot of pressure in my rear end and the doctor said to push into that , which I tried to do , but it was hard to get the hang of . She put her fingers in there to help me know where to push , which helped but was also incredibly uncomfortable - I think my cervix was involved and if you have ever had a pap smear it was like that times a hundred plus the general pressure and the contractions . While the earlier stages of labor had felt manageable , I can only say that the pushing stage became more and more miserable . It wasn 't necessarily that the pushes hurt - I would still describe them as intense pressure rather than acute pain - but that as time went on with little progress I began to feel as if it were futile and I was just pushing the same push over and over again . And the doctor and nurses encouraged me - sometimes gently , sometimes more actively - to push harder and longer , and this was such a strain each time , to be feeling so much pressure and exert myself to the utmost to make that pressure greater . The doctor said to curl my tailbone up and my head , neck , and core too - like a cooked shrimp , really . " Curl around your baby , " she said , but I simply hadn 't the core strength anymore , even with Erik helping me hold my neck up . With each contraction they could see Pudding 's head - and I could see Erik was very excited about this - but it never seemed to descend enough in spite of the new nurses ' ( Ashley and Griselda , Janelle having finally gone off shift ) encouragement that I was so close . I continued to have no sense of time . Every time a contraction came , I pushed . Erik held my right leg and Griselda my left , and she massaged it in between , which was deeply soothing . The doctor was in and out . People ( sometimes the doctor , sometimes a nurse ) kept putting a cold compress on my forehead and then wiping my face and chest with it , which I appreciated . New nurses appeared periodically ; every time someone new came in I found it simultaneously annoying and a welcome infusion of fresh energy . I don 't know how long I 'd been pushing before they started to do more than just coach me through pushes , and I don 't remember in what order most of this happened . They had me try to pee , and when I couldn 't , they put in a catheter just long enough to empty things out . The doctor ( or Ashley ? ) said she thought once my bladder was empty Pudding would come right out . Nope . They gave me Pitocin , which I had not wanted to take because I 've heard it can make contractions much more intense , but at this point it hardly seemed to matter ; Erik says it made my pushes a little stronger , but it didn 't feel like it to me . They put a scalp electrode on Pudding to better monitor her , since the monitor on my abdomen wouldn 't stay put ; I hadn 't wanted that either but again , it no longer seemed to matter . They had me try different positions - squatting on the floor next to the bed , hands and knees on the bed - and I had wanted to do all those in theory , because gravity could only help , but in the moment I hated them all because they meant I had to support so much more of my own weight and I couldn 't simply let go in between pushes to rest . They put an oxygen mask on me and I hated it ( I hate having anything on my face ) . ( Funny thing , I completely forgot about the oxygen until I saw this more than a week later ! ) If I had been more present for all of this I might have felt more concerned by the monitoring and the various interventions but I just couldn 't . Unlike my sister during her labor , I never went to a deep - down internal place where I no longer registered my surroundings , but I was very out of it , the way one is when one is very very tired ; nothing felt real even as it all felt inescapably awful . I think I mostly kept my composure through all of this but I definitely whimpered at the end of some of the contractions . I was just so worn out and it felt as if I would be there pushing until the end of time . Eventually the doctor explained to me that as I was getting so tired and Pudding 's heart rate was getting high enough to indicate she might be getting stressed , they were going to go further with the interventions . ( I had been pushing for nearly four hours at this point . ) There was a surgeon who was expert at vacuum extraction and she was going to watch me push and evaluate whether I was a good candidate . I had really not wanted the vacuum but I remembered my mom said my cousin had it ( and he 's fine ) , and also I couldn 't care anymore . The surgeon was considerably more businesslike than everyone else and did not waste time telling me how great I was doing ; instead she offered critical feedback as I pushed . Her plan was to do the vacuum procedure in the OR , and if it didn 't take , we would go directly to c - section . Part of me was appalled that it had come to this but the majority of my thoughts were just FINE ; GET HER OUT ! Another contraction came and they told me this was my chance to avoid the OR so give it all I had - which wasn 't so much by that point , but I tried , and there was much excitement because apparently ( I only learned this from Erik afterward ) I managed to get a bit more of her head out that time and that prompted the surgeon to change gears abruptly and declare she would do the procedure in this room instead of the OR . ( Shortly after that , rather anticlimactically , a man came in and introduced himself as the anesthesiologist , and was told he was no longer needed . ) The doctors did various things at the foot of the bed - what , I can 't tell you ; I was more and more out of it with each minute - but there was a spot lamp set up and lots of people in the room . The crowd was another thing I had thought I didn 't want , but now cared nothing about . It occurs to me now that the whole experience was a perfect illustration that there is a time and place to consider optimal outcomes and then a time and place to just fucking get the thing done no matter how . And the thing did get done . I can 't tell you whether it took an hour or five minutes . They set me up with the vacuum , I don 't know how . I don 't know who was doing what or what position my limbs were in . All I remember is my doctor doing something to my cervix / vagina / where all the pressure was and me pushing through another contraction , and the doctor ( and probably everyone else ) yelling at me to push hard , and something feeling absolutely horrible , and what felt like the doctor reaching into me and moving something around , and if I didn 't entirely black out at this point I at any rate don 't remember any details . And then I realized the dreadful feeling was Pudding coming out , and the doctor was telling me to lift my head and open my eyes and look , but I couldn 't do it and I didn 't care . Next thing I knew someone was putting a slimy , bloody , very small , very warm something - someone - on my chest and I came out of whatever stupor I was in to realize this was my baby … AND I didn 't have to push anymore . Much as I was pleased to know she was fine , and feel her slippery tiny limbs under my hands , I was tremendously exhausted and honestly couldn 't really handle anything . She yelled and everyone made happy noises in response , and I asked if Erik wanted to hold her skin - to - skin because I didn 't think I was getting the most out of this important moment and I felt that someone should . The doctor said maybe a little dryly , " Well , she 's still attached , " and I was surprised and then dimly registered that I could indeed feel the cord still connecting us . The afterward is still hazy , but I remember some of it . A nurse cleaned up the baby , and the doctor helped Erik cut the umbilical cord ( instructing him to use more pressure than he might think ; he later said it was like cutting through an electrical cord ) , and he took off his shirt and they handed him the baby in a blanket and he held her next to him . For the next somewhile they were cleaning me up and doing various rather unpleasant things like massaging my uterus and getting out the placenta and stitching up what turned out to be a third - degree perineal tear ( fourth - degree is worst ; I 'm glad I didn 't know this at the time ) . I talked a little bit to the doctor or nurses and from time to time looked over at Erik on the couch murmuring to the baby and I felt so full - hearted . At some point I realized I was incredibly hungry and a nurse brought trays for Erik and me : mediocre cafeteria food that I could barely manage to eat since I could hardly hold my head up , but I ate the weird parfait dessert thing and then the weird turkey sandwich ( with squeezes of light mayo ) and much later the packet of saltines and weird tomato veg soup , and I felt better . I had thought we would not be in the room for very long and that we would be mostly left alone there but we weren 't alone and it seemed hours until we were taken to the recovery room . I didn 't care . I had a vague idea that I might prefer just to sleep but I was past having any real opinions . After they patched me up they still needed to examine the baby and I don 't recall what else . At some point they helped me to the bathroom and I was relieved that I could not only pee but that it didn 't hurt to do so . Then there were thick pads and weird mesh disposable underwear ( I came to quite like these ) - these , along with numbing spray and witch hazel pads , became part of my bathroom routine for days afterwards . Someone footprinted the baby . I signed papers . We finally had a moment to send photos to our families ; we also asked them not to visit until the next day ( a very good choice ) . Various nurses congratulated us and then we never saw them again ; much later our doctor came back , hugged us both , and said she 'd come visit the next day . And finally I got awkwardly into a wheelchair and held the baby as the two nurses wheeled us down hallways and into the elevator and up a floor to a recovery room which was perfectly spacious and had a simply lovely view beyond the parking structure to the familiar streets of Berkeley and the port of Oakland and even San Francisco Bay . It was my first glimpse of the outside since the day before and it was raining and somehow I was so glad to see the rest of the world still there ! The nurse for the room was very nice and knowledgeable . Erik had a cot next to my bed and the baby had her clear plastic bassinet on my other side . For the next two days we lived in this room as they monitored me and the baby , ran tests on her , and taught us how to breastfeed . I was brought more forgettable food - which I ate very hungrily - and snacks which I requested seemingly every time they came to check on me , while Erik made do with my leftovers and the Clif bars he 'd packed . I tried to send him out for a proper meal , or at the very least to the downstairs cafeteria , but he insisted he was fine and truth be told I was glad not to be separated . We were supposed to rest , and there was nothing I wanted to do more , but I couldn 't , somehow . It had been such a momentous time and my body was so worn out that I actually couldn 't really relax enough to sleep . The next morning I realized everything above the thighs was sore , from the obvious parts to my throat ( from vocalizing ) to even the muscles of my forehead . I was glad for the ibuprofen they were giving me every six hours . It wasn 't awful pain , at all , but it was just so everywhere . Naming We had until leaving the hospital to decide on a name ( actually we had longer but everyone said it was a pain to deal with naming after leaving the hospital ) , but we knew family would be coming and we wanted to name her before everyone else could weigh in . We had always had three primary names in mind ( with a slightly longer list of backup options ) : Ada , Amara , and Wilde . That last one started as a joke but it grew on us . After the baby was born and her birth was so different than we expected , I said to Erik , " We might really have to call her Wilde . " The trouble was that she just really didn 't look ( or act ) like a Wilde . She has a sweet , dainty face and a very calm demeanor . So we weren 't sure what to name her and we were much too tired to discuss it properly . As it turned out , by the next morning Erik and I had both decided independently that she looked most like Ada , so that was settled . Her middle name took a little more deliberation , but we eventually decided to go with our original choice for a middle name for Ada : Mirei , a more Asian as well as American play on the French name Mireille and the Spanish name Mireya . We were almost 100 % decided on Mirei when the birth certificate person showed up at our room so we said , all right , let 's do it ! And so Ada Mirei was named officially . The rest of the hospital stay ( just under 48 hours ) was quite pleasant ; I had thought , beforehand , that I might want to leave early but this was very much not the case . All the nurses were very caring and responsive , and knew so much about everything , and their breastfeeding instruction was an invaluable help - especially since there were enough of them ( and a separate lactation consultant ) that we benefited from many different perspectives . ( Not that there are so many ways to do it , but you know how teaching is - a lot can depend on how someone presents something . ) We were very fortunate in that we encountered only the normal learning curve with no significant issues , but even so , I don 't think we would have picked it up so quickly without all their advice . We rested a bit better the second night , and then the next day were discharged into a drizzly morning and a brand new life . It was a strange experience leaving the hospital because everyone congratulated us , from the staff ( which we expected ) to total strangers entering and exiting the building . I suppose new parents , and especially a new mother , are unmistakable , but it was strange and touching to be pushed through the corridors being congratulated seemingly every minute . I realize now that this is a phenomenon that occurs in our society only during major milestones , because those are the only times ( generally speaking ) when our personal achievements are instantly communicated to everyone who sees us - graduations , weddings - and are , moreover , assumed to be unequivocally joyous enough that perfect strangers feel free to comment with sincere goodwill . I felt a little like crying ; it was overwhelming . The drive home was short and my mom and youngest sister had come to help us get settled . My poor sister was immediately put to work cleaning up the surprisingly copious amount of poop Lyapa had left for us all over the apartment . Lyapa herself , strangely enough , was far less wary of Ada than we expected , and mostly just seemed really happy we were back . She has continued this way in the days since … she doesn 't seem particularly interested in Ada but she is not avoiding her either , often spending nights next to the bassinet and purring at random times . This behavior is so far from what we expected that I am honestly at a loss for how to interpret it . My nephew Teddy ( now eight months old ) has visited several times and when Lyapa sees him she skulks into the farthest corner and faceplants . So whatever she is thinking , she clearly places Ada and Teddy in different categories and acts accordingly ! And now we are home with Ada ; a nurse came two days after we got home and the doctor came two days after that , and we 've had family ( in which category I include my best friend Jackie , in town just for the occasion ) visiting every 1 - 4 days , keeping us fed and doing helpful things like the dishes and picking up groceries . Some days after our arrival home I took my first shower and since my family was here to watch Ada Erik came into the bathroom with me , in case I needed help , and we realized it was our first private time together . That was nice ; we just chatted about how we were feeling about everything that had happened ; it was our first post - baby date ! Although Ada 's birth was not what we expected , we 're very happy for how it went , and grateful to our doctor , the doctor who did the vacuuming , all the nurses , and the teachers of our birth , lactation , and prenatal yoga classes , for making such a milestone experience also a really positive one . I hope to write another post soonish about the adjustment to life with a newborn , but for now , I 'll just say that everything is going as smoothly as can be and we are all , though very tired ( and often emotional in my case ) , doing well . Ada Mirei Hsia - Lee , born 10 : 10 AM on March 9 , 2016 . 6 lbs 11 oz , 19 inches . Reply → Wow , what a wonderfully detailed account ! So impressed with your ability to make notes and remember things amidst all the madness . Hurrah for you and Erik and especially Ada - here 's to the first of many memorable times ! Reply → Lisa … what an amazing expression of your labor and delivery experience ! It read like a book that is too good to put down … and that doesn 't happen to me very often . Kind of took me right back to my pregnancies , although I definitely felt the bumps on the way to the hospital . lol ! I was shocked that they did not put you in a wheelchair when you got there and wheeled you upstairs . 😦 Maybe I missed it , but I kept waiting to hear whether your water broke spontaneously or whether they broke the amniotic sac . I was surprised that you would be able to push with the sac intact … I think labor goes a lot faster after the sac is broken . Glad you avoided the C - section … I was getting a little worried there for a while . But what a beautiful baby girl . I love her name … Ada Mirei Hsia - Lee . I also love the picture of her cousin Teddy looking at her , and it looks like she is looking at him too … so cute ! Congratulations to both of you ! She 's a lucky girl ! Reply → Thank you so much , Linda ! 🙂 I was really surprised too when I learned that a wheelchair is not standard procedure ; it seems mean to make laboring moms get upstairs on their own steam ! Although actually it was fine for us . It 's strange - there is so much I remember but I actually have no clue what happened with the amniotic sac . I 'm not sure whether the doctor broke it or it broke on its own , and I have no idea when . For awhile I was thinking it would be cool if I managed to push her out still inside of it , which is rare and considered auspicious , but after pushing went on for so long I just didn 't care about that anymore ! We are lucky to have her . Reply → Dear Lisa , thank you , thank you for sharing this . I think that I was waiting for your story . Ada is just so , so beautiful ! Big hugs to you and lots and lots of love ! But anyway , just wanted to tell you this was such a wonderful wonderful read . I read with keen interest and complete empathy . Related to everything and so much more besides . Ada - Mirei is a lovely name and I loved what you said about the feeling of loss regarding all the others . Reply → Dear Munira ! ! I 'm so glad you liked this post ! ❤ I know just that frustration of the login - erased comment - __ - I think of you often and send love to you and your family . I 'm Lisa Hsia , an independent writer and artist in Oakland , California . To see more of my work , explore the sidebar below . Or go here for my visual portfolio . I write two basic types of posts here : image - rich observations of daily life or travel or my artwork , and more essay - like musings . It 's not a blog to read in a hurry . I write long and think deep . Sit with me . Don 't be shady All text , photos , and artwork on this site are copyright Lisa Hsia ( unless otherwise noted ) . If sharing my words or images elsewhere , clearly credit Lisa Hsia and / or satsumabug . com . And don 't do it for money . Thank you . More credit where it 's due Social media icons in my sidebar courtesy of icondock . com . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
It was a crisp , sunny Sunday morning , much like today , that Elizabeth came into this world . It 's hard to believe it 's been six years . As I look back at our photos , I 'll admit that it 's hard to remember life BT ( Before Triplets . ) But when I look at her at 4 , it feels like that 's her natural age to be , and I imagine I 'll still be looking at her when she 's 16 thinking , Aren 't you still four years old ? But let 's not get ahead of ourselves . All adolescent behavior aside , she 's still got a while before we reach that point . Let 's take a moment to remember Elizabeth , one year at a time : Elizabeth has been planning her birthday for months . She wanted a " Frozen Party , " ( which only family attended , but we did have goodie bags ! ) a trip to Chuck - E - Cheese 's , and to go apple picking . Not ambitious at all , right ? It was our first trip ever to the Chuck Man 's and I was pleasantly surprised at how much fun it was . Twenty bucks for enough tokens for the kids to play games for a good two hours . Not bad at all . I think she only wanted to go to get redemption prizes . We 'd been meaning to go apple picking since fall began , but this was the first Saturday with cooperative weather and no other big plans . We went up to Penning 's Orchard in Warwick , NY . The best part for Adam and me was the drive through all the fall foliage . It was stunning . Sisters Elizabeth is growing up so fast . She loves Kindergarten and her teacher , Mrs . O ' Malley ( who lives across the street . ) She loves riding her bike , climbing trees , putting on dance performances , doing crafts , and being the little leader of her triplet minions . She 's taking ballet classes for the first time this year , but she says she doesn 't want to be a ballerina . Right now , she 's leaning towards being a " girl police . " She tries her best in everything she does . She has a very tender heart but she 's already starting to grumble when I try to smother her with kisses . * sniff * She 's learning to read , loves making herself worksheets of arithmetic problems , and is still and ever more will be a daddy 's girl . We love you , Elizabeth . Happy 6th birthday ! Charlie is our little athlete . If it involves a ball , he loves it . He 's taken an interest in soccer , which Adam is happy to encourage , so he got a tot - sized soccer ball and pop - up net for his birthday . At our family reunion in July , he even tried his hand ( and foot ) at ping - pong and hacky - sack with the adults . Charlie is also our most tender - hearted of the three . Every night as I tuck him in , I 'll say , " I love you . " He 'll respond , " I love you " back . Then I 'll say " Sweet dreams , " and he 'll say , " sweet dreams , " as he curls up into a ball under his blanket . He also has developed the habit of crying out , " How you dare ! " with the appropriate shock and indignation when his feelings are hurt , as well as shouting , " You 'll never love me anymore ! " when I get angry . ? ? ? Charlie loves swimming and developed enough skill and strength in lessons this summer to be able to swim in the deep end ( supervised . ) And he loves loves loves jumping off the diving board . He loves playing with train tracks and building blocks , as well as tea party with his big sister . We sure love our little Chuck - E - Cheese . Eddie continues to be the biggest of the three , having grown this summer to be an whole inch taller than his brother . Eddie also continues to be obsessed with all things Buzz Lightyear and now owns FOUR Buzz Lightyear dolls . He just received the big kahuna , the actual life - sized Buzz for his birthday today . He 's got it tucked under a blanket next to his bed as he sleeps tonight . Eddie is also still very independent and enjoys his alone time . When he does play with his siblings , it usually involves him being either the super hero chasing the bad guys , or being the bad guy chasing the good guys ; either way there 's a lot of chasing and shrieking and , unfortunately , fighting in the end . Speaking of chasing , there is no end to the amount of energy this kid possesses . After a full day of playing in the park , riding on his scooter , and swimming in the pool , he 'll still be running laps around the living room at 7 o ' clock at night . The only thing he does slowly is . . . everything I ask him to do he doesn 't want to do . Eddie loves mac and cheese with a passion . He loves to help me make lunch and dinner and smash the strawberries for Saturday Pancake Day . He can 't sit still long enough to draw pictures , but he 'll sit in front of a pretend drum set ( with bowls , pans , and chopsticks ) and play " rock and roll " forever . And when he 's calm enough to give them , his hugs and kisses are the sweetest . We love our Eddie Bear . We 'll often be out and about in the neighborhood , and someone will say hello to Lucy , calling her by name . She 'll ask me , " How do they know me ? " and I 'll respond , " Everyone knows who you are , Lucy . " And it 's true . Her reputation precedes her . She is a firecracker if ever there was one . When you are part of her " fravrites , " you will be showered , nay , smothered with love and affection . But if you cross her , watch out ! Lucy still loves to make people laugh . She 'll cross her eyes and stick her tongue out just so , and you can 't help but giggle . But lately , if we crack the slightest smile and something funny she does inadvertently , she 'll run and hide in grumpy embarrassment . Which , of course , only makes us laugh all the more . Lucy loves coloring . She loves it so much , she doesn 't just stop with paper , but has spread her art to walls in almost every room in our home . She 's even fallen asleep coloring . She loves to swim and moves her body in this awesome dolphin - y undulation that makes her look like a little mermaid . She LOVES dogs . She will run as fast as she can on her little legs to chase after any and all dog walkers in the park to ask them , very politely , if she can pet their dog . Then she 'll revel in the sloppy doggie kisses and beg me to get a puppy of her own . ( So not happening . ) She loves building with the Duplos , playing house with Elizabeth and her brothers , and looking at books . She 's even begun to sound out words and can read simple sentences . Oh , and she bites . Lucy BaGoosey is a cutsie for sure . Stick Pull . Can you guess who won ? President Bria taking on his first counselor . Now that 's a good way to resolve any tension in the Branch Presidency . I 'm so sad summer is ending . The weather has been so wonderfully mild and the kids are old enough to really enjoy swimming , staying up late , catching fireflies , and all the wonderful things we love about this time of year . I hope next summer is just as awesome . " When you guys walk in the gate , we 're all on high alert . " I couldn 't think anymore . The pain was too great . All I could say was , " Wow " before my throat constricted and I didn 't trust myself to speak . I turned away and I told the kids we were leaving . They flocked around me , asking me what was wrong . I waited until we were out of sight of the front gate of the pool before I stopped and let the sobbing start . " What 's wrong ? What did the pool man say ? " they asked . I didn 't even know how to explain it to them . He thinks I 'm a bad mommy . I was completely blindsided . Charlie was on a towel , trying to warm up . Elizabeth had bumped her chin so she was sitting with Adam a few feet behind me . Eddie was jumping into the water over and over , as he loves to do . And Lucy was floating around , her three favorite noodles under her arms , paddling away in her Little Mermaid swimsuit . Then I noticed the Pool Man coming up to us . " She can 't be out there with the noodles . " I was so confused . " Out where ? " I knew that toys and things weren 't allowed past the rope that marked the shallow end . But she was on our side of the rope . " Out there . In fact , I 'd prefer it if you didn 't use noodles at all , especially since you 're not in the water with her . " I was sitting on the pool steps , six or seven feet away from her . I looked at her red curls , so bright in the sun . I started to feel a terrible burning in my face but my mouth seemed frozen shut . " She can 't swim , right ? " he continued , and again told us he preferred we 'd use a life jacket or something else . Adam started to ask him about the rules about noodles . I waded out to her , a burning darkness spreading inside of me . I brought her up to the steps , took the noodles and put them on the pool deck . The Pool Man walked away . I sat on the steps for a minute . The pool was almost empty . A half an hour ago , it had been crowded with kids splashing and laughing and moms and a few dads sitting on the steps , chatting or throwing balls to the bigger kids . There were lots of kids with noodles . There were lots of moms sitting on the steps . " F * * * this . We 're leaving . " I said . I called out to the kids to get ready to go . Adam protested . He wanted to let the kids stay . I sat on the ground and cried . Eventually I left with Charlie , the cold one , my head swirling with everything I should have said and should have done . When Charlie and I got home , I felt them coming , one by one : the crying jags ; the numbness ; the desire to hide ; the ruminating thoughts . All the depression symptoms came back , familiar but no less dreadful . I didn 't want to make dinner . I didn 't want to talk to anyone . I just lay on my bed and let Adam do all the work . I pitched in to get the kids to bed , but that was it . Later that night , I talked it over with him . I talked it over with my mom . I talked it over with my friend , who 'd witnessed the scene . I knew I should use the skills I 'd learned at Crazy School , but I didn 't even want to . I could challenge my thoughts . I could act opposite of the emotion . I could do something to distract myself . Maybe I 'll just feel better in the morning , I thought . But one thing I did want to do . I wanted to talk to Pool Man again , on my terms , with my thoughts collected and my emotions under control . This morning , I took the kids on our pre - church walk . In our Sunday best , we walked through the park to the pool . I explained to the kids that I was going to talk to the man in charge of the pool and that they needed to be quiet and wait patiently . What I really meant was , please don 't act out of control . Please don 't make me look bad . When we got to the gate , I asked to speak to the Pool Man . He came out and I said I wanted to talk about what happened yesterday , to find out more about his concerns . I explained that we were happy to comply with pool rules , but that I 'd seen other children with pool noodles before , and other moms sitting on the steps watching their kids play . Why was I being singled out ? He told me he was " very concerned . " I think he used that phrase a half a dozen times . He referred to our " history " at the pool . Earlier that week , Elizabeth had been helped by a life guard . I was in the bathroom with one of the triplets . My mother 's helper was in the water with the other two and Elizabeth was further out . She 'd gone to get a ball and had cried for help . She later told me she could touch with her tippy - toes but she was too tired to swim . Neither the lifeguard nor my mother 's helper mentioned the incident to me . I didn 't find out about it until I was turning in a form at the neighborhood association office and the office worker mentioned it . " My daughter has four kids , " she 'd said to me , a look of great concern on her face . " So I know how hard it is to keep track of them all . " My mind had gone blank then , too , mostly from shock that I hadn 't even known what had happened . But hours later , the subtle condescension in her voice made me burn with shame and then anger . The Pool Man 's face wasn 't one of pity . It was steeled . His eyes were narrow and his mouth pinched . He told me he 'd seen me " rescue " Lucy a few weeks ago . She 'd gone out too far and was in distress and I 'd run to get her . The lifeguard hadn 't even noticed . He talked about how he 's seen how Adam or I will stay in the shallow end with the foPosted by Friday was a big day in our house . Elizabeth " graduated " from preschool and I " graduated " from Crazy School . So now Elizabeth is officially ready to go to kindergarten and I am officially ready to be a healthy , productive adult . Ha ! But we really are proud of our big girl . During last year 's preschool graduation , Elizabeth had terrible stage fright and spent the whole time with her head down . This year , their class was doing a beach - themed program and they practiced for weeks . Elizabeth talked all the time about wanting to be brave on stage . She even asked Adam for a father 's blessing the morning of the program . And boy , did she nail it . She shimmied , she hula - ed , she even posed for pics with her " diploma . " We were thrilled and so was she . We even got to introduce the triplets to her teacher , who will be their teacher when they 're in the program next year . And I use the term " introduce " loosely . We are talking about 3 - year - olds . If you 're dying to see it , and I know you all are , the link to the video of her group 's dance is here . So that was Friday morning . Friday afternoon I went to my outpatient program for the last time . Since they have rolling enrollment , patients start and finish at different times . When someone finishes treatment , they do a little graduation thing on their last day . And it is awesome . First , a volunteer from the group writes your name on the board and numbers 1 to 12 . Then , your fellow patients call out positive attributes they 've noticed in you during your time together ; they 're called affirmations . The last one , # 12 , is saved for you to say something positive about yourself . After this , you 're given a certificate where another group member has written all the affirmations down for you to keep . Then , the group and the clinicians give you feedback about how they experienced you . Finally , you tell the group what you 've learned , how you 've changed , and any advice you 'd like to share with the newbies . And then everyone claps . And you feel like a million bucks . It 's wonderful . I was really nervous about graduating . I felt like I 'd had this safety net for so long that was now going to be taken away from me . Plus , it came on unexpectedly and they switched the day at the last minute . Since different people attend program on different days , I was worried that some of the people I 'd grown closest to wouldn 't be there . But thankfully most of them were . Their feedback was so touching . They talked about how caring and helpful I was . One friend , my little buddy I sit next to every day in group , joked that he couldn 't talk about me or he was going to start crying . So of course I got choked up for real . After they said all their nice things , I asked if I could give everyone an affirmation in return , since I wouldn 't be there for their graduations . I 've seen so much strength and beauty and pain and growth in that group , it wasn 't hard to come up with something for each person . I guess that 's what happens when you get to see someonSo that 's some more of what I learned . But have I changed ? I look at how I interact with my kids , and I know I still have a long way to go , but I really feel like I 've made a lot of improvement . The combination of the skills I learned with the meds I 'm now on ( remember that self - control in a bottle ? ) has really helped me , well , chill out . I don 't loose it as much as I used to . I 'm not afraid I 'm going to hurt my kids or myself anymore . It may be because one of the meds makes me wicked tired all the time so I 'm just too worn out to get in a rage , but all joking aside , I don 't care . I 'd rather be gentler to my family and myself than have more energy , even if it means I won 't be throwing Pinterest - worthy parties or launching an at - home business , or , you know , mopping the floor . And I 'm not giving up . My # 12 was " tenacious , " because I 've learned now that , no matter what life throws at me , I have the strength and skills and tenacity to overcome . Booyah . At any rate , it was an emotional day for all of us . And since I was given a Red Robin gift card for my birthday ( hello , bottomless steak fries ! ) , we decided to skip the hassle of making dinner and instead celebrate our graduations by going out with the whole family . Yum ! So here 's to the grads of 2014 ! Have a great summer ! Keep in touch ! As promised , here they are . I 'd be very interested in hearing which ones resonate with you and what your reactions are . This stuff is so interesting ! Not everyone has to love me or even like me . I don 't necessarily like everyone I know so why should everyone else like me ? I enjoy being liked and being loved , but if someone doesn 't like me I will still be okay and still feel like I am an okay person . I cannot " make " someone like me any more than someone can get me to like them . I don 't need approval all the time . If someone does not approve of me , I will still be okay . Making mistakes is something we all do , and I am still a fine and worthwhile person when I make mistakes . There is no reason for me to get upset when I make a mistake . I am trying and if I make a mistake , I am going to continue trying . I can handle making a mistake . It is okay for others to make mistakes , too . I will accept mistakes in myself and also mistakes that others make . People who do things I don 't like are not necessarily bad people . They should not necessarily be punished just because I don 't like what they do or did . There is no reason why another person should be the way I want them to be and there is no reason why I should be the way someone else wants me to be . People will b whatever they want to be , and I will be whatever I want to be . I cannot control other people or change the . They are who they are ; we all deserve basic respect and reasonable treatment . I will survive if things are different than what I want them to be . I can accept things the way they are and accept myself the way I am . There is no reason to get upset if I can 't change things to fit my idea of how they ought to be . There is no reason why I should have to like everything . Even if I don 't like it , I can live with it . I am responsible for how I feel and for what I do . No one can make me feel anything . If I have a rotten day , I am the one who allowed it to be that way If I have a great day , I am the one who deserves credit for being positive . It is not the responsibility of other people to change so that I can feel better . I am the one who is in charge of my life . I don 't need to watch out for things to go wrong . things usually go just fine , and when they don 't , I can handle it . I don 't have to waste my energy worrying . The sky won 't fall in ; things will be okay . I can . Even though I may be faced with difficult tasks , it is better to try than to avoid them . Avoiding a task does not give me any opportunities for success or joy , but trying does . Things worth having are worth the effort . I might not be able to do everything , but I can do something . I don 't need someone else to take care of my problems . I am capable . I can take care of myself . I can make decisions for myself . I can think for myself . I don 't have to depend on someone else to take care of me . I don 't have to be a certain way because of what has happened in the past . Every day is a new day . it 's not true to think I can 't help being the way I am . Of course I can . I can 't solve other people 's problems for them . I don 't have to take on other people 's problems as if they were my own . I don 't need to change other people or fix up their lives . They are capable and can take care of themselves , and can solve their own problems . I can care and be of some help , but I can 't do everything for them . Sheesh ! I see myself in so many of them . But like # 9 says , I can change ! Sorry if this is too much touchy - feely stuff . More funny stories and cute kids later . Oh , and there 's no indication on the handout what this is from , but if you want to know the source , I can ask the powers that be at Crazy School . Anyone who knows me well knows that I cry easily . I see a sappy Hallmark card commercial , I cry . I hear a news report with a mom in Syria crying about her dead child , I cry . Someone flips me off for accidentally cutting them off , I cry . And then there was the time I saw a live production of West Side Story and embarrassed my date by sobbing so loudly . Yeah . If I were a Care Bear , I 'd be Tenderheart Bear . I 'm like Gus , a Sympathetic Crier . A while back in Crazy School , we were talking about distorted thinking . I talked a little about it on my post here , about cognitive distortions . Different terms , same thing . So we were talking in our class about different types of thought distortions , like catastrophizing . You know , worrying about something , making it a bigger deal in your mind than it really is . Or overgeneralization . Your husband forgets to take out the trash and you get mad because he NEVER takes out the trash ! We talked about how you can challenge these thought distortions . You can say to yourself , " Really ? He never takes out the trash ? Then why isn 't our house buried in trash ? He must take it out most of the time . I 'm glad he does that . " Or with catastrophizing , you can say , " I don 't know what the future holds . I 'm going to stay in the now . Whatever happens , I can deal with it . " One of the thought distortions I could relate a lot to was personalization . I 'll quote from the handout : " Thinking that everything people do or say is some kind of reaction to you . You also compare yourself to others , trying to determine who 's smarter , better looking , etc . " As we were working on coming up with statements that could challenge our individual distortions , the clinician gave us a handout to help . " Ten Beliefs That Will Not Cause Problems . " Weird title , I know . I read the heading of the first belief , " Everyone doesn 't have to love me . " Tears instantly sprang to my eyes . I read on , Not everyone has to love me or even like me . I enjoy being liked and being loved , but if someone doesn 't like me I will still be okay and still feel like I am an okay person . I cannot " make " someone like me any more than someone can get me to like them . I don 't need approval all the time . If someone does not approve of me , I will still be okay . " It 's hard to put into words what an impact that had on me . It 's like my mind realized three things all at once : 1 ) I 'd lived my whole life believing everyone DID need to love me ; 2 ) I never realized I 'd been operating under that belief system ; and 3 ) That it was false and was causing me pain . So that 's what my head was doing . My heart just wigged out and told my eyes to cry . It was like someone 's been carrying a backpack full of rocks around for decades and suddenly they realize that they can take it off . Maybe this seems like " duh " stuff to you all . But it was huge to me . I started to look at my life and see how this false belief has affected me . Even in group therapy , I 've noticed that I try really hard to be the helpful , happy , upbeat one . I 'm not afraid to be real and talk about my problems in group , but most days , I 'm trying to help everyone else . I 'm bringing cookies . I 'm checking in with the ones who seem most troubled . How much of it is flowing out of an inner well of love and goodness , and how much is just a desperate plea to love me ? Don 't you love my chocolate chip cookies ? You should love me , too ! I have more to say about this , but I 'll end here for now because it 's past my bedtime . But if anyone is interested , I can post the rest of the Non - Problem - Causing thoughts . Maybe your mind will be blown . Or maybe I 'm the only one having Ted - like epiphanies over here . I love mexican food and dark chocolate . I read way too many novels . I have a creative husband and no artistic skills . Oh , and I have triplets . And a kindergartener . I 'm a little crazy . |
YAY PHILLY ' S ! ! ! Still trying to quell the evening hunger . I tried more protein one day and that didn 't help . The next day I tried red meat ( since that is what I mostly ate in my fatty days ) and that didn 't help . Today I tried changing things around a little . I had my light lunch for breakfast and my heavier breakfast for lunch . This way I wasn 't hungry until later so I just had dinner about a half hour ago . I hope this helps . I have found out over the past couple of weeks that having almonds in the evenings does not affect my sleep so I am enjoying them every evening . Weather is warming up a little here . Don 't have to light the logs in the day time right now . Remember the picture I posted of one of my doggies with a red face from spaghetti ? Well , he came home today with a red face again and it wasn 't spaghetti . It was blood . I panicked at first until I realized that it wasn 't him that was bleeding . He evidently found a carcase somewhere and really enjoyed himself . He even had blood on the top of his head . That is one of the reasons I wish the hunters would stay off this mountain or at the very least clean up after themselves instead of leaving the unwanted parts laying around . I had a really hard time cleaning him off . Sure didn 't want to smell that after it warmed up on him . Later blog - buds . Gained that pesky 2 pounds back again this week . Didn 't do anything different than I did the week before , when I lost it . Average calorie count was within + / - 25 of last weeks and the week before and the week before . . . Oh well . . . Durn it was cold last night , in the low 20 's ( F ) . My heat pump never kicked off . I have fake propane logs as supplemental heat but I don 't leave them burning a night . They sure are fired up this morning though . And my computer desk is setting right near them so this is the best seat in the house right now . We got about 5 inches of snow all together . A really wet snow . And the driveway is clear if I need to get off the mountain , but I can 't for the life of me see a need . Thank goodness . Sparkpeople sent me an article on loosing tummy fat . Here 's the link to it . I know I 've read several of your posts where that is a problem for you , just like me . It 's really short and doesn 't give you any quick fixes but makes sense . Have a happy hump day . Look , it snowed last night ! ! Actually it started around 5 : 00 PM yesterday . I was really surprised . I hadn 't looked at a weather report lately and didn 't expect it . I can 't remember the last time we had snow this early . Oops , just remembered the last time . It was 2006 and my niece and nephew and I were at Snowshoe looking around on their visit . When we left home it was in the 60 's and before we left Snowshoe we were walking in a blizzard . There was no snow here on my mountain when we got home . So maybe that really doesn 't count . We 're supposed to have 2 - 6 inches at my elevation . I have a friend that I play a game with about snow . We compete to see who is the first to call and sing the song . I won yesterday ! ! I used to win all the time until she got caller ID . It 's been kinda hard since then . Apparently yesterday she was so busy cooking supper that she forgot to look at the caller ID or just forgot about why I would be calling . We usually just talk in the mornings . Guess what I won ! The satisfaction that I was first this year : o ) Isn 't that a great prize ? I have my Internet Explorer home page set to the National Weather Service and I usually don 't look at it when I get on here , but it 's about that time of year that I 'd better start checking it out . I just lucked out this time with getting to the grocery store before a snow . Wonder if this is an omen of the winter we will have this year ? While I was in town yesterday I went to the court house and voted early . I was really surprised that I had to wait in line . Didn 't expect that there 'd be so many early voters . Don 't know what I 'm going to do about my eating . I have no problems in the mornings and afternoons . I 'm usually not hungry and have to make myself eat at normal times . Then after supper , all heck breaks loose . I know I 've blogged about this before and you are probably tired of hearing about it . I don 't know what the solution is though . It 's not that I am craving junk in the evenings like I used to . I 've pretty much kicked that habit . But it seems that a few hoursPosted by Just got back from running errands in town . Not my usual day but I wanted to make a pot of Taco Soup and didn 't have the stuff so I went a few days early . It 's been pretty cold here and soup is always good on those cold days . Company didn 't come , I so sad . Actually I had put myself in the right frame of mind and was really disappointed when they called to let me know that one of them was sick and they didn 't want to bring it to me . I 'm sure they didn 't feel like traveling sick either . I was upstairs changing the linens on the bed and cleaning when they called so the bed 's clean if Y ' ALL want to stop by . Gonna go start the soup . Hope your Monday hasn 't been too rough . JC , I can tell it is a cup size because now I 'm fitting into a smaller cup size than last month . Grammy , this is gun country . Lots of hunting and I was probably the only person in the whole county that didn 't own a gun . I 've been around them most of my life and love target practicing . Hopefully I will never have to use them for anything else . I don 't hunt . I just can 't stand the thought of killing any furry creature . There have been a lot of break ins in my area and I felt that I needed to have something to defer the problem if it arises . The man that sold me the shotgun said that if I chamber a shell after I hear someone entering my home that it would be enough to scare the person off . It 's definitely a distinctive sound and one to be afraid of . Especially if it is a woman wielding the gun . ARGH , I have company coming again tomorrow . Geesh , I need a vacation . I refuse to do anything special for them . They are the friends from VA and they don 't expect anything special , thank goodness . I will have a clean bed for them and clean dishes and that 's it . I think after they leave I won 't be answering the phone or door for anyone for at least 2 weeks . So for what ever reason YOU can not come for a visit . Besides I have oodles of crocheting to do before Christmas and at this rate I won 't be finished . Oh , I had sauerkraut and fat free beef wieners for supper and it was yummy . I 've never cared for wieners in my kraut . I like kielbasa or Italian sausage , but this was really good and a whole lot healthier . Later alligator . . Okay , so I forgot . It 's no big thing anyway . As you may or may not remember , Wednesday is my official weight in day . And yesterday I lost 2 pounds . Now don 't go jumping for joy because there is no joy in it since I had gained those 2 pounds the week before . So I 'm just back to where I was 2 weeks ago . Geesh , I wish I 'd quit doing that . I know it 's my fault for not being diligent , so I gotta quit that . And then there was yesterday 's eating . I won 't even go there . It would make you sick . But my NSV for the week is : Are you ready for this ? And this I am excited about . Here goes without further hesitation . . . In the last month I 've lost 5 pounds BUT I 've also lost one inch in the waist ( YAY ) , zero inches in the hips ( oh , well ) and ( drum roll please ) two inches in the bust ( not so good since it was in the cup size but still happy ) . Now if I could just get the scales to be so accommodating I 'd be one happy old lady ( and I use the term lady loosely ) . So looking back if I would have been a good girl I could have lost 8 pounds instead of 5 . I 've already planned my eating for today and entered it on line in SparkPeople where I usually enter my foods . I decided to enter my menu for the day and see if it will keep me on track better , instead of waiting for the end of the day and just enter what I ate . I will go there this evening and add or delete what is necessary . Wish me luck on the new endeavor . I never did get in any target practice over the weekend with my new guns . Oh , I think I forgot to tell you that I bought a handgun and a shotgun . Now I really feel safe here on my secluded mountain . My biggest problem is trying to find a place to put the guns ( don 't have to worry about hiding them since I have no little ones in the house ) so they are in easy reach at night . Especially since I 'm sleeping on the couch and not in the bed . Think I will try going back up there this weekend and see if the sleeping is better now . And remember the neighbors that are up here for bow season ? Well , they must be throwing out their left over mealsPosted by I remembered to pull the blinds last evening . And I didn 't have that creepy feeling that I was being watched all evening . But I had a really restless night . This was the first night I tried the almonds . I had them about 2 hours before I went to sleep so I can 't imagine they were the cause . There must have been animals moving around outside last night because the dogs barked a couple of times . Course I was already awake when they barked so they weren 't the reason for my restless sleep . Then to beat it all I woke up to the smell of chocolate chip cookies . Where the heck did that come from ? I haven 't had them in eons and haven 't even thought about them . Sure am glad I don 't have the makings for them in the house because today I 'd be tempted to bake some . Hmmm , wonder if there is a light and healthy recipe for cookies ? I doubt it so I 'm not even going to go looking . The fall colors sure were funny this year . Most of the ones that have changed in the past couple of weeks are off the trees already and there are still a lot of green trees left . I never did see a lot of the reds this year so maybe the ones that are still green are the ones that turn red . Guess it was the lack of rain at the end of the summer that caused some to start turning early . I am hooked on Caramel Machiato ( spelling ? ) coffee . I don 't like the ones Starbucks makes . I don 't even like Starbucks coffee at all because it 's too strong . But I had an iced one several years ago and fell in love . Before I started this journey I improvised with vanilla syrup and caramel ice cream topping . Then when it ran out I just didn 't replace it . But . . . when Cara was here visiting we went to a local coffee shop and they had the syrups in sugar free ! Wow , I bought a bottle of both flavors . They are only 5 calories each for 1 tablespoon and I only use about a half tablespoon when fixing them so I am indulging myself every morning . I 'm not one of those coffee drinkers though . I only have one cup in the mornings . And once in a blue moon I have one in the evenings . But I do lookPosted by Yesterday was a really weird one for me . Don 't think this has ever happened to me since I 've been on this healthy living life style change . I couldn 't think of any thing that I wanted to eat . I was hungry at the normal time in the morning so I fixed myself my usual half can of soup and 8 crackers . Got hungry again at the regular time in the afternoon and didn 't want anything . I knew I 'd be ravenous by supper if I didn 't have lunch but I just couldn 't think of anything that sounded good . I didn 't even want bad stuff . I decided to eat a half a peanut butter sandwich which I knew would at least take care of the hunger but I really didn 't want it even though I had gotten the shakes from hunger . Then came supper time . Nada , nothing , zilch sounded even remotely appetizing . I had some bacon thawed out and even considered a bacon and tomato sandwich which I LOVE . I didn 't even want that . So out of necessity I fixed myself a salad and put some left over peas in it for filler . I even had some shrimp in the fridge but didn 't eat it . Didn 't want it ! I also MADE myself eat some fruit later in the evening . So needless to say I didn 't get all my nourishment requirements in yesterday nor my daily allotment of calories but the thought of food was just yucky to me . Gee , I wish that would happen more often . And to my surprise I 'm still up on the scales this morning . Unless something drastic happens by tomorrow 's official weigh - in I won 't show a loss this week either . Drats ! I know , I know , don 't put too much " weight " ( pun intended ) on the numbers on that stupid square thing on the floor but , really folks . I had a relaxing day with the house to myself . YAY ! I 've got neighbors up for hunting season right now and they can see right into my cabin unless I pull the shades . But if I do that I won 't be able to look outside at the beautiful colors so I didn 't pull the shades yesterday . Didn 't even think about it until it was really late last night but I didn 't give them anything x - rated to look at . Will have to remember to pull them this evPosted by Whew ! They 're gone . Let me start out by saying that I did have some enjoyable moments with the niece and nephew . I 'm a thinkin ' that maybe I 'm getting a little set in my ways . I 'm certainly not " Suzie Homemaker " by a long shot , but they really got on my nerves . I do admit that I 'm not a stickler for having a place for everything and everything in it 's place but . . . I know how they live . I 've visited them many times and they are not slobs in their home . I don 't know if it is the fact that I 'm the aunt and they feel like they can act like kids ( they are in their mid forties ) but it got ridiculous . She was worse than he was . It was so bad that last evening by dinner time I was a bear . I covered it up by saying that I was really hungry and that makes me grumpy . They had been gone on a hike and were late coming back for dinner so that excuse seemed to work . They are definitely not good guests . I just decided to say it like it was and told them when to clean up after themselves . And after I threatened to throw anything they left in the " middle " of the floor into the trash , that stopped . I thought I was lazy , but boy , she has me beat by a mile . Gonna have to ask her mom if she ever cleans her own house . Could be that he does it all . Okay , enough of that whining . But I am glad to have my home back . Eating was really good for me this weekend . I only had one day that I went over what I should have but I did it with healthy stuff so that ain 't so bad . I 've been wondering . . . My dad had trouble sleeping any evening that he ate nuts before bedtime . Do any of you have that problem ? I got myself some almonds this past week because I know how good they are for us and was thinking that I might save them for an evening snack but I wonder if it will affect me the way it did my dad . Guess the only way to find out is to give it a try . I 'm really enjoying the WW Whitman 's candy that I got . I have mint , caramel and coconut . Haven 't tried the caramel yet but the other two are yummy . I just have to remember to limit them like anything else thPosted by I 've been burning the roads for the past couple of days . My niece loves to shop so we 've been hitting her favorite places up here . I had to take her to Lewisburg today to hit some new ones and she just had to stop at Wal - Mart . I had already been there once this week and twice in one week is definitely to much for me , but you do what you gotta do for your relatives right ? Tomorrow is supposed to be a quiet day at home . Gonna go out somewhere and do some target practice and watch some movies . Then grill a steak for him and chicken for me and my niece . See , aren 't I doing good ? I opted out of the steak for chicken . She brought me some WW Whitman 's chocolate . It is really good and only one point per piece or 50 calories . I was surprised . I 'm so glad they like coming for a visit but they are slobs . They don 't pick up after themselves and I have tripped over shoes , newspapers and anything else you can imagine . Looking forward to Monday and some peace and quiet and my life back . But I 'm also enjoying them as well . Hope your weekend is a grand one . Got the soup on the stove simmering . I made an Italian meatball / vegetable soup . We shall see how it tastes . I just kinda made it up as I went along . If it 's any good I 'll put it on my recipe page later . It 's all low fat and has half the sodium . I got a phone call from the nephew this morning to remind me they were coming this weekend . At least I did remember that but I had forgotten if they were coming tonight or tomorrow night . He cleared that up for me and they are coming tonight . Sometime in the middle of the night after he gets of grave yard shift . When he asked me what I was doing I told him I was making the vegetable soup that I usually make when they come . He said yummmmm until I told him that it was going to be low fat because I want to be able to eat some too . He had the nerve to say , " in other words bland . " I assured him that it would be tasty and definitely NOT bland , just good for you . The niece is always trying to lose weight but doesn 't have the will power to stick with it . She will probably come here with several bags of potato chips . What she does is hops up and says , " Lets go for a walk . " Then when they get back she dives into the chips saying , " Now I can eat these . " I used to laugh about it before I started this new lifestyle but now I may hide the chips . She 's not obese just a little on the chunky side sometimes . And she does get down to the weight and size she wants to be from time to time . She doesn 't cook AT ALL . He does the cooking if there is ever any done . She works two jobs and they aren 't home a lot together . I will give him some recipes he can make for her that will be healthy . Oops , forgot to mention that I 'm up 2 pounds this week . : o ( But that 's okay , because I 'm wearing the smaller bra that I couldn 't get into last month . And I finally had to move my favorite ring to the middle finger . Oh , and I almost forgot . I found 4 really cute light weight sweaters at Cato 's yesterday and one of them is a large . The other three are x - large . See ya later ! First things first : Sparky , great northern beans are white beans about the size of pinto beans . They are like navy beans but larger . Don 't know if they have another name or not . In my opinion you could put any bean that you happen to like in the soup . Not much going on in my little part of the world . Gotta go to the dentist tomorrow around noon to get my last crown glued in . Gonna hit Cato 's while there to see what they have in cheap winter clothing . And of course the trip wouldn 't be complete if I didn 't hit Wal - Mart while down there . I hate to go there but it is the only place that has some of the stuff I need . Then home to get the house in order for my company . Gonna try to get most of it done tomorrow so I can put some time in on Thursday cooking . That way I won 't have to spend a lot of time in the kitchen while they are here . Thankfully I 've been sleeping on the couch since the last time I had company so the bed already has clean linens on it . So basically all I have to do is run the sweeper and dust . Do the lady bugs ( actually Japanese Beetles ) swarm where you live ? They started swarming last Friday and are still at it . This is the first year that they have swarmed for more than 2 days . I had completely forgotten about them until I was hit in the face when I went outside Friday . I have to rumple my hair and brush off my clothes before coming in the house to make sure I don 't bring any more in than can squeeze through the cracks in the eaves of the roof . At least with Orkin coming regularly they are dying after crawling through the cracks . I can usually just run the sweeper once after a few days and get them all but this year it may take more than once since they are sticking around so long . You probably won 't hear from me tomorrow unless something exciting happens that I can 't wait to tell you about . So , see ya Thursday . I 've lost one of my furry friends . Sam had been gone for over a week ( which is nothing unusual for a Tom cat , even one that 's been fixed ) . He was really skinny when he came home which isn 't unusual either . Then I noticed him limping when I started giving him some extra canned food ( which I usually don 't feed the cats ) . He had been in a fight with something that had chewed his leg pretty bad . I started treating it myself instead of heading off to the vet because it didn 't look that bad . It started healing nicely and I thought all was going to be well . Then he started worrying over it and opening up new places . He was 13 and I knew that the leg would have to be amputated at this point . I don 't feel bad about not taking him to the vet because there must have been a lot of internal damage and the vet would have probably suggested amputation or putting him to sleep when it first happened . It got so bad that I finally had to have him put down . He was just suffering too much . I 'll miss you Sam . So , today is a holiday for some . If you 're off , I sure hope you 're enjoying it . And if not , well . . . enjoy working too . It helps pay the bills , doesn 't it ? I 've already had another cup of soup today and froze the rest . Don 't want to get burnt out on it . I 've got some chicken marinating right now and will see how that does for supper . I haven 't tried marinating my chicken before . Company is coming in the middle of the night Thursday . They are my late husbands niece and nephew - in - law . They will be here through Sunday and maybe part of the day on Monday . Lets see , that is 3 days maybe 3 and a half . Hmmmm , you know what they say about company in 3 days don 't you ? Well , this will be a pleasure . They are sweet kids . She likes to run the roads a lot and hit every quaint shop in the area and he likes to go 4 - wheelin ' . My biggest problem for this visit is cooking for them . I refuse to cook all the fattening stuff that I usually cooked when they came for a visit . I am sticking to my healthy stuff . But what to fix ? Gotta decide before WednesdayPosted by OMG , I made JC 's Taco Soup today and it is to die for . Wanted to make it early so it would cool enough to freeze some . I don 't know if I 'll have enough to freeze after I get through with this pot . It makes 15 cups and I 've already had three today . One for breakfast ( as soon as it was done ) , one for lunch and one for supper . It is that good . I have had some fruit too but the soup is better . Think I will freeze some tonight just so that I won 't be tempted to finish it off and over do it . It is so surprising that it sticks to the ribs so well . Well , that 's been my day . Makin ' soup and eatin ' it . Hope your 's was more productive . Got on the road around 9 : 30 this morning and it was a beautiful morning for sure . I didn 't take any interstates just two lane mountain roads . Chester Farms in Churchville , VA is around 90 miles from here and was a glorious 2 hour drive . They had rides for the kiddies . Hay rides and pumpkin picking . ( Sorry no pictures of those . ) But a great visit with my friends . Sheep were abundant . They had booths set up selling all sorts of kool autumn stuff and I even got to spin some wool into yarn myself . Then we took a tour of the spinning room in the basement of the barn where they made this beautiful sock yarn . Yep , this is what I bought . Even got myself a pair of sheerling slippers . The wool is sooooo soft . Then I started home . The dive home was just as spectacular . So glad to be back on home soil . This is the road to my cabin . Here is the " color " on my mountain . . . And in my yard . I was pretty good food wise all day . They didn 't have anything that was within my diet so I just had one hamburger with water and one small soft serve ice cream and came home to my usual grilled chicken and veggies for supper . I 'm really tired but I so enjoyed myself . This was another step toward my adventures alone . This is the first trip I 've taken that was out of my comfort zone and I succeeded ! As to answering some concerns from the comments on my last blog . Don 't fret out there blog - buds , I ain 't quittin ' . I 've come this far and I sure as heck ain 't gonna throw all that away . After all this is a life change not a diet . I just needed to whine a little and I didn 't even have any cheese with it . Hope your weekend is a grand one . I had a horrible night . My doggies didn 't get to come home yesterday . I hadn 't realized how much company they were until last night . Durn the place was quiet and empty . Well , it 's always quiet because they rarely ever bark or make a sound for that matter , which makes it kinda weird . Guess it was just the lack of other warm bodies in the house with me . Every time I 'd walk past the door I 'd , out of habit , check to see if they were ready to come back inside . There was a problem with another dog at the groomers . An emergency frog removal . A collie had a frog stuck in its fur and they had a heck of a time getting it out . They weren 't even starting on my dogs until after 6 : 00 when I called worried to check on them . Then it would have been 10 : 00 when they would have been ready and they wanted to wait until this morning to do one of them so they wouldn 't have to work so late . So they boarded them overnight for free . I 'd say for free , since I hadn 't planned on it , I surely would have been glad to go get them at 10 : 00 if I had too . This last 30 + pounds sure is slow in coming off . It 's discouraging . I sat and looked at my weight loss chart yesterday and saw that it took me 16 weeks to get the 10 pounds off from 200 to 190 . And it 's been 11 weeks so far on this 10 pounds ( between 190 and 180 ) . At this rate it will be next October before I get to goal . That means it will have been 2 and 1 / 2 years ( 130 weeks ) to get 99 pounds off . I know , I know , the slower the better because it will most likely stay off that way , but it doesn 't keep it from being discouraging just the same . Good grief , I 'm tired of planning and calculating and trying to figure out yet another way to eat chicken and get lots of veggies in . And I 'm tired of worrying about how long it will take and when will I be there and what size will I be that I can finally buy clothes that I know I won 't be giving away soon ? And when can I finally get my rings resized or do I want to just wear them on another finger the rest of my life ? And will this weight and skin around tPosted by Sorry I 've been away for a few days . I just didn 't have anything I wanted to say and wasn 't in the mood anyway . So I will get caught up on all your happenings later this evening . My dogs are at the groomers right now and I 'm waiting for a call when they are ready so I don 't want to tie up my phone lines with this stupid dial up . I lost 1 . 5 pounds this week . Going to meet my Virginia friends half way between their house and mine Saturday at noon so I probably won 't post at all that day . There 's a sheep farm where we are meeting that raises sheep for their wool . They are having a festival and will be having their spinners out where we can watch . Going to look for some more sock yarn there . I 've been busy making lots and am starting to run a little low . I 'm really looking forward to the outing but not looking forward to the drive by myself . I 'm still a little chicken about going any where away from my beaten path by myself . I don 't mind it if I 've been there before and know where I 'm going but this place isn 't where I 'm used to being . So , this will be another step in learning to cope without a spouse . Hope your week 's been a good one . The friend that told me to quit losing weight , pulled one on me Saturday night . I had her and her husband up for supper . She was late as usual . Her husband and I had talked a couple of times that day and she was at an auction ( which ended at 4 : 00 ) . At 5 : 00 we were both getting hungry so he came on up and we went ahead and ate . She came in with two packages of homemade friendship cake . She proceeded to push one in his face and the other in mine . Her hubby had just had surgery Friday and wasn 't feeling very well and not able to eat well yet so he told her he didn 't want it right then and would have it later . ( But he ate the Watergate Salad I had for dessert though . ) I on the other hand told her that I couldn 't have it . Boy is she pushy . She kept telling me , " Yes , you can have it , it won 't hurt you . " She kept pushing it in my face for at least 20 minutes . I held out though . Then the bwitch left the stuff on my table . I know , I know , I should have just thrown it away , but it finally got the best of me last evening . Dang was it ever good . I did do well on the fried potatoes . I fried them in 2 tablespoons of olive oil and had a huge skillet full . I told them to go ahead and eat them all because they 'd be thrown out if not . I only had one spoon full of them myself . They didn 't eat them all and I threw them out instead of standing at the stove ( like I used to do ) and eat the left overs . I was rather proud of myself : : until last night : : I 've learned my lesson . They will just have to eat her cooking from now on . They aren 't going to be invited for supper for a looooonnnnnnggggggg time . With friends like that I don 't need any enemies . Sure glad I 've got you guys / gals out there to help me . It has been just beautiful here the past couple of days . Clear skies and 70 degrees . Sure wish it was that temperature year ' round . Is it just me or is there more mud slinging in this campaign than usual ? ( I think we say that every year , don 't we ? ) I 'm getting so sick of listening to it . I just wish they 'd have positive messages about themselvPosted by To comment on a few comments on yesterday 's post . You know Tony hit the nail on the head when he said , " Aren 't your friends supposed to be your support network ? " Well people , that 's why I have you . I only have one friend that supports me . And I 've got my girls and their families of course . And I agree with Candace that if looking like me is supposed to be " before " then I 'll take healthy me any ole ' day . And Grammy , yea , there sure a lot more wrinkles aren 't there ? That stuff happens to us older weight loss people and the worst part is the skin doesn 't go back to the way it was . It just loses all it 's elasticity when it gets older . Hmmm , never thought of posting a picture with my shotgun . When I get one I 'll have to have to do that . I 've got a picture of my granddaughter in her full army gear holding her " big " gun and she looks so weird . Well , here are her before and during army pictures . You be the judge . She served a tour in Iraq and thankfully made it home safely last fall . She is a tiny thing and even lost weight while in Iraq . She said they didn 't have uniforms small enough for her and she just had to keep hitching up her britches . We had frost here this morning . How about you ? Fall has fell , for sure here in the mountains . I was wrong about the leaves . They still aren 't at peak so the pictures will have to wait . Maybe just another week . So please be patient . There 's a road up here called the " Scenic Highway . " It 's about 15 - 20 miles of nothing except scenery . No houses or businesses or anything except God 's handy work . It traverses a mountain top between here and Snowshoe . The speed limit is 45 MPH the whole way and is all state forest . Most of the year there is NO traffic on this road but in the fall you can 't go one mile without passing several vehicles . They don 't even use any snow removal equipment on it in the winter and close the thing down . They keep it closed all winter for winter sports people . People can cross country ski there or take their snow mobiles on it and have some fun . That 's where the prettiestPosted by Well , I know one thing for sure . If I wasn 't afraid to live by myself before the gun class I 'm a little scared now . Not a lot because of where I live , but . . . Some of the horror stories he told to try to make a point were not pleasant . Especially home invasion stories . Think I need to get myself a shotgun to keep by my bed . Now comes the hard part of finding one that isn 't so heavy I won 't be able to lift it . While standing in line to shoot at a target ( with rubber bullets ) my friend looked at me and said , " You don 't look like yourself . I think you need to stop losing weight . " Bull hockey , I think I look like myself ! Who else would I look like ? I know she 's just jealous because she 's supposedly been trying to lose weight along with me but won 't give up desserts or sweet , sweet tea and she is the one that I finally talked into changing to olive oil and she is still using a half inch to fry in . I keep trying to tell her that she only needs 3 TBSP . at the most but she is a stubborn cuss . ( She 's lost 15 pounds in the last year and a half . ) She invites me to her house for dinner at times and I refuse to go because of that . I invite her to come here to eat and she won 't do it because she 's afraid I 'll starve her . After explaining to her what I was having one evening she was surprised and said that would probably fill her up . She still won 't come unless I have something that she thinks isn 't diet . I took out a pork roast to thaw and am going to make homemade hand pulled barbecues for supper then freeze the right portions for myself for later . I 'm going to call her today and invite her to come for those . She 's been here before and had them when Cara was visiting and I never told her that every thing they were made with was low fat and sugar free . TeeHee . Haven 't felt bad yesterday or today so it must have just been a 24 hour bug . Thanks for all the well wishes . They made me feel loved . Have a great weekend . Something crept up on me yesterday morning . At first I thought it was going to be a migraine because I started seeing flying triangles in my peripheral vision and got really sick to my stomach . I contemplated taking something but decided to wait and just lie down for a while ( even though I 'd only been up for 15 minutes or so ) . As the clock slowly turned I got slowly yuckier . Was running a fever off and on all day . Hey , that 's just no fun without someone here to fuss over you . Even had to fix my own meals and still let the dogs in and out . Good grief ! ( Can you tell I haven 't been sick since hubby died ? ) I feel better now , as in , really fine . Must have been some kind of 24 hour bug or something . Or maybe I 'm just feeling alright now and it will hit me in a little while . Either way I thought I 'd go ahead say hay , to y ' all while I feel good . So , weigh - in yesterday was a wash . I lost the pound that I 'd gained last week . Whew , that 's good . And I think I 've decided that only stepping on the scales once a week instead of the multiple times a day is the only way I 'm going to lose weight . I did some looking back at the weight losses or gains and was eating the same amount of calories both ways . The only difference was that I just couldn 't stay away from that durn scale . It must have stressed me somehow and caused the mind to not let the weight go . So now I 'm a firm believer in the once a week scale hopping . That seems to work for me , anyway . I 've got a class to go to tonight from 6 to 11 . One of my neighbors talked me into it . It 's a gun safety course . I haven 't figured out yet why I 'm doing it since I don 't even own a gun but hey , it 's something to do . I 've talked about getting one ever since hubby died and never have . Living alone was a little scary at first but I 've gotten used to it . Since we moved up here we rarely locked our doors but after his death I started battening down the hatches every night and anytime I leave the house now . The only person I see in my driveway that is uninvited is the man from the power companPosted by I live on a mountain in the beautiful state of West Virginia . I have started this weight loss journey many times before . I am now on maintenance and I feel in my heart that this time it will be for keeps . I have two beautiful daughters who inspire me and support me in everything I do . I wouldn 't be the person I am today without them . |
The Songbird 14 October , 2016 Author by Brian HeinsPosted in News During the year I 've spent writing Sirin 's dialogue , I 've gotten very attached to ( and protective of ) her . This is a weird thing to say because every time I sit down to flesh out her story , invariably something horrible happens to her . I can 't help it , I want to see how she 'll react to the terrible things I throw at her . But , to me , that 's precisely what made her such a strong person . Her life has consisted of nothing but tragedy after tragedy and she has refused to let it stop her . I have come to admire her for that . She may only be fifteen years old , but she has lived more in those few years than many people do their entire lives and she shows no signs of giving up . When I was asked to write a story , there was no question who I was going to write about and what story I was going to tell . I wanted to show exactly how powerful Sirin is . Even when she was a little girl , her power was unparalleled , and the event in The Songbird is a true demonstration of that power and is one of Sirin 's defining moments . Although you can ask her about it in - game , what she tells you is only her recollection of the events - The Songbird reveals how the whole mess actually went down . The songbird refused to behave . No matter how she tried to get it to come over to her , it simply would not obey . She whistled . She hummed . She even sang it a little song - under her breath , of course , she didn 't want her mother to hear her . Nothing she did made it land on her arm the way she wanted it to . It refused every request . Frustrated , her walking turned briefly to stomping as she followed her mother down the dirt trail . " Sirin , baby , what are you doing ? " her mother asked without turning around . She didn 't even slow down . Sirin 's frustration grew and she stomped a little harder . " That 's nice , sweetie , " her mother interrupted . She still wasn 't paying attention . Sirin grimaced , trying to decide if she should make her mother listen to what she was saying . She sighed again and continued walking , following her mother toward the village . It wouldn 't be worth the trouble she 'd get in if her mother found out , not after she was specifically warned against using her power on other people without permission . She rolled her eyes and stomped a few more time for emphasis , eyeing her mother carefully . She still didn 't know why everyone was so upset about that . It 's not like Nerek got hurt . All she did was make him her friend - they were having fun ! And he was being nice to all the other kids , too . If anything , their parents should have been happy she was helping out , not yelling at her and saying she better watch out if she tried using her power on unsuspecting people again . But that made it easier ! If the person was tired or distracted , it was so much easier to work her way into their head . She looked at her mother again and then back at the songbird . No , it definitely wouldn 't be worth it . " You 're going to be my friend , " she sang softly to the bird . " I know you want to be . Come here . Come to me . " She held out her hand . The bird just stared at her and chirped . " Why won 't you tell me what we 're doing ? " Slackjaw said petulantly to Blood Lump . He looked around at the rest of the crew Blood Lump brought with him for the job . " And why such a big group ? It 's one little girl and some farmers - we could handle these people by ourselves in our sleep ! " He looked at Blood Lump , who stood with his back to Slackjaw . He was rooting through a pack he held in front of him . " Blood Lump ! " Slackjaw raised his voice . " Killing livestock ? Digging up plants ? Is this really why we started following the Voices of Nerat ? I was promised blood ! Excitement ! Adventure ! Not backwoods sabotage ! So I 'll ask again - what are we doing here ? " " Shut up ! " Blood Lump hissed , turning around , closing the distance between them in two steps . " If anyone finds us before we 're done , this entire trip is a waste and you know what the Voices will do if we come back empty - handed . I don 't know about you , but I kind of like having my skin attached to my body . So . Shut . Your . MOUTH ! " Blood Lump pushed Slackjaw 's shoulder . " Now , you know everything you need to know and I am tired of you constantly asking me . The answer is never going to change : We are here to get the girl . But we aren 't doing anything until Marin gives us the signal . So you are going to stand here and keep your mouth shut until it 's time for us to move . Do you understand ? " Slackjaw nodded slowly , his face flushing . Blood Lump shook his head , turning again to his pack . Is this enough ? he thought , looking at the contents . If it 's not , I guess it won 't matter , will it ? " Blood Lump ? " Slackjaw asked and Blood Lump gritted his teeth , resisting the urge to spin around and punch him . For two years he 'd been subjected to the man 's incessant questions , screw ups , and all - around stupidity . Why he didn 't just kill Slackjaw and find another lackey is something he wondered so many times , but it always came around to the same thing - an idiot you know how to control is much better than an incompetent you can 't . Not that he didn 't contemplate it , fantasizing all the different ways he 'd remove this thorn from his foot . I suppose that won 't matter much after today , either , will it ? Blood Lump plastered a smile on his face and turned to Slackjaw . " Yes ? " he asked . ' This had better be worth my time , ' was implied in his tone . " What is so special about this girl ? Why does the Voices want her so bad ? " Blood Lump sighed , putting the heels of his hands over his eyes . " For the hundredth time , I don 't know . Maybe nothing . That 's why we 're here . The only way to find out is to see what happens , so keep your mouth shut and watch . We 've been working at this for a very long time and we 're about to see the payoff . It 's possible that we 're going to be very rich very soon . " At least I am , he finished internally . A quiet shuffling noise from the underbrush spurred everyone into a combat pose . Blood Lump almost laughed , but was glad they took it seriously . When he accepted the job , the Voices of Nerat told him what he was about to witness could be one of the most dangerous things he ever got himself involved in , but also the most wondrous . Who could say no to that ? " Calm down , fools , " he said to his men as Marin entered the clearing . " They 're almost here , " Marin whispered , hooking a finger over his shoulder , pointing back down the road . " People are already gathering . This might be easier than we thought . " Marin smiled and the look of it chilled Blood Lump . Not that he was squeamish at all , but Blood Lump liked to think there were some things that might still make him pause . What they were about to do could end with Marin 's daughter 's death , and he seemed happy by it . Perhaps Marin was better suited for this work than either of them realized . When it was over , he 'd suggest a meeting between him and the Voices of Nerat . The Scarlet Chorus could use more members . He shrugged and shook his head . No sense in dwelling on that now , they had to get in position . " Get ready to watch the show , " he said to Slackjaw as Marin pushed back through the bushes , walking toward the woman and child entering the village . A crowd had gathered in the street , but Sirin hardly paid attention to them . She was too busy watching the bird . It had landed on a fence across the street from the group and she was trying to come up with a new song to lure it over . Her mother slowed which made her happy , it would give her more time to finish the song and make the bird be her friend . She didn 't think anything of the crowd ; people came to greet them every time they got back from one of her trips to be the Songbird . Everyone always wanted to know what town they traveled to and what miracle she had performed this time . She let her mother tell the stories . She still didn 't understand how a simple song could make bones heal or the corn grow , but if they wanted to give her parents rings for her song , she would sing . If being the Songbird helped make them money , the she would be the Songbird . It made her mother happy and Sirin loved taking trips with her . " Sirin , stay here , " her mother commanded and the tone of her voice pulled Sirin from her concentration . She looked at the crowd and immediately knew something was different . Nothing really seemed out of the ordinary , but … yes … this was different . Why were they holding stones ? Why did they look upset ? Her mother turned and knelt in front of her . " No matter what happens , baby , stay behind me . Okay ? " Sirin opened her mouth to protest , but her mother put her hands on her shoulders and gripped them tightly . " Promise me . " Her voice allowed no room for refusal . Sirin nodded quickly . " I promise . " Her mother stood and turned as her father stepped from the crowd and approached them . Things didn 't just feel different anymore . Something was definitely wrong . Her father looked upset and anxious . " Marin , " her mother said , stepping forward to intercept him , " what is going on ? " She had lowered her voice so Sirin could barely make out what she said . She was trying to keep the others from overhearing their conversation . " Kellisandra , you know full well what 's going on . You had to know this day would come . You had to know Sirin couldn 't be our Songbird forever . We have to do something before anyone gets hurt . Well … Anyone else . " Her father smiled at that and her mother flinched from his words . His voice was … She didn 't have the word for it . When they traveled to bigger towns that had marketplaces , Sirin loved to listen to all the salesmen calling out to people , trying to get them to buy their goods . They 'd talk about how fresh the produce was , describe how sweet the fruit was , detail how perfect the bread tasted . Everyone had something to say , had a special way they 'd try to get you to listen to them . That 's what her father was doing now . He sounded like he was trying to get his mother to buy something . " Sirin is so much more than we ever imagined . There is so much power in her and it 's only a matter of time before that power causes an accident . So , the Overlord demands a demonstration of that power , Kellisandra . We need proof of what she can truly do and then maybe she 'll have a better life because of it . " He raised his hand slightly and brought it down in a quick side - to - side action . " What are you talking about , Marin ? What are you doing ? " Her mother 's voice was confused , wavering with fear . There was motion across the road and Sirin saw a group of men step from the overgrowth , watching them intently . " I told you to go along with it , Kellisandra , " her father said and backed up a couple of steps . " This could have gone differently . " He lifted his head and turned halfway to the crowd of farmers standing behind him . " I was right ! She said it was Sirin who did it all ! She just begged me not to say anything to you ! Sirin 's songs withered your crops ! Her songs killed your livestock ! Kellisandra admits that Sirin is the cause of the problems we 've seen recently in town ! " He turned the rest of the way to face the gathered crowd , holding up his hands to quell their disgruntled mumbling . " Before you say anything else , there is a way we can deal with this . There are men that can take Sirin away ! They can help her control her power ! They 're here , ready to help us ! " He made another motion at the men who had come out of the woods . They hadn 't come any closer . They were staring at Sirin . When her father pointed at them , most of them reached into their packs and pulled something out - all but one . He was looking at his friends , a confused look on his face . " Kellisandra refuses to see that this needs to be done ! She refuses to admit that no matter how much it hurts , we need to say goodbye to the Songbird ! " He turned back to them and looked directly at her mother . The look on his face made Sirin go cold . " And I need to say goodbye to my wife , " he said just to them , as angry shouts erupted from the crowd . Blood Lump saw Marin 's signal and motioned to his men to step forward . A whisper of fear snaked down his back as they emerged from cover . Do you really want to be part of this experiment ? What if your ' protection ' doesn 't protect you ? He laughed quietly at the thought . Then I guess I 'll be one extra bit of proof , won 't I ? There just won 't be anyone around to see it … He watched as Marin told his final lie , wondering if even he had any idea what was about to happen . Would Marin survive to collect the rest of the rings he was promised ? Not that he cared , but Blood Lump was curious if he 'd ever see Marin again . He saw the second signal and turned to his men . " Get ready , " he murmured . " It 's almost time . " Slackjaw looked around , an amusingly dumbfounded look on his face . Blood Lump shook his head , almost ruefully . I 'll think I 'm actually going to miss him . Well , isn 't that a surprise ! " W - what are you talking about , Blood Lump ? " Slackjaw asked , confusion almost making him stutter . " What 's going on ? " He looked around , simultaneously jumping and ducking when someone in the crowd shouted , " Get rid of her ! " " I don 't understand . " Tears started welling up in his eyes and his breathing was coming a little quicker . Don 't worry , Slackjaw , you 'll understand soon enough . Blood Lump pulled the worked wax from his pouch . Goodbye . Slackjaw stared at him , dumfounded as he put the wax in his ears , then turned and watched the rest of the men do the same . " What is this ? What are you do … " His words continued , but Blood Lump could no longer hear them . He could see Slackjaw 's lips moving , was certain his voice was raising , but he stopped paying attention to his second - in - command . Former second - in - command he reminded himself . There were more pressing things to watch at the moment . Once the show started , Slackjaw would have a very interested audience in Blood Lump . Sirin crept closer to her mother , peering around her at the angry crowd . Her breath quickened slightly , her fear fighting to take control . Singing always calmed her so she started humming , hoping the sound would dissipate some of the terror she felt building . What were these people saying ? Why did they want to get rid of her ? What did her father mean about the crops and livestock ? She had never killed anyone ! Well , except … she shook her head . But that was different . That was an accident and she had never done anything like it since ! It wasn 't working , so she raised her voice a little , making the song more insistent . " No ! " her mother hissed at her , reaching back and gripping her shoulder again , tighter this time - almost painful . Sirin cried out in pain as a rock flew by them . She couldn 't tell where it came from but someone in the crowd shouted " The little monster killed our crops ! " as she watched it sail by . It missed them , but it hit the fencepost behind them with a resounding crack , causing the songbird to take flight . Her mother jumped , a frightened " Oh ! " bursting from her lips . Her father smiled at them and turned to go , putting something in his ears as he did . The crowd , their ire focused completely on Sirin and her mother , didn 't even see him go . Or , if they did , they didn 't care . They had someone to blame for their misfortune and that was all that mattered . The terror Sirin had felt before bloomed , spreading through her and out to her hands and feet . She felt weak , sick . She pushed her face into her mother 's back , wrapping her arms around her waist . " No ! " her mother shouted back . " I will not let your fear and their lies take my daughter from me ! You all know the good she has done for us ! How can you turn your backs on us now ? This is insane ! She 's one of us ! She is our Songbird ! " Sirin could hear the fear in her mother 's voice and , knowing that even her mother felt helpless , she began to hyperventilate . As she did , her terror came out in little moans , punctuated by each ragged breath . " Uhn , uhn , uhn , uhn … " Rhythmic and melodic . " Oh , for the love of … " she heard a voice say , sounding like whoever was speaking thought they were being much quieter than they really were . She turned to look at the speaker and saw a stone sailing through the air . She knew what was about to happen . As she watched the stone , her terror overwhelmed her and she inhaled deeply , filling her tiny lungs . When the stone struck her mother 's temple , a scream of fear colored by rage ripped from her mouth and into the ears of everyone present . When the girl screamed , Slackjaw 's eyes widened in abject terror . His mouth moved , rapidly opening and closing , but Blood Lump couldn 't tell if he was actually saying anything or just going through the motions . His breathing quickened and he began rocking from foot to foot , putting his hands to his ears and screaming himself . At least , it looks like he 's screaming , Blood Lump thought absently . Slackjaw raked at his cheeks over and over , tearing gashes across them , blood pooling in the trails and quickly running down his face . He balled his hands into fists and started pounding on the sides of his head , shaking it , making it look like he was actually punching his head back and forth . And she 's not even trying , Blood Lump thought . Slackjaw stopped , head in his hands , staring at the ground , holding his hands over his ears . With a start he suddenly lifted his head , his gaze landing on Blood Lump 's other men . Blood Lump looked at them and saw they were backing up , staring across the road . In his desire to watch Sirin 's effect on Slackjaw , Blood Lump completely forgot anyone else was there . He turned to see what was happening to the villagers when a dark shape shot past him . It was Slackjaw , who charged one of the other men and bowled him over , grabbing the front of his tunic , throwing him to the ground . Before Blood Lump could process what was happening , Slackjaw 's mouth was on the man 's throat . He pulled back , a chunk of flesh between his teeth and a look of such rage on his face that it stopped Blood Lump before he could even move . Slackjaw jumped to his feet , spitting out the piece of the now - dying man 's throat and began kicking him in the side , over and over . While he kicked he began screaming something , looking around wildly at the other men . Scream . Kick . Scream . Kick . Faster and faster . More insistent . More violent . As he kicked , Blood Lump started hearing the words Slackjaw was screaming . " No ! " Kick . " You ! " Kick . " Won 't ! " Kick . " Hurt ! " Kick . " Us ! " The kicks sped up as his screaming became more frantic until he was just repeating it over and over emphasizing every word with a blow to the body at his feet . " No ! No ! You won 't hurt us ! NO ! NO ! STOP STOP STOP STOP ! " Slackjaw stopped and stared at Blood Lump , an insane glee in his eyes and Blood Lump knew he was going to charge again . He knew it and there was nothing he could do to stop it . He was going to charge and Blood Lump was going to die and he could hear the words Slackjaw was screaming and how could he hear the words Slackjaw was screaming ? And at that moment , Blood Lump realized the full extent of Sirin 's power . He had assumed there was something there , of course . The Voices of Nerat would never have sent a group into the middle of nowhere if there wasn 't something to see , but he didn 't really believe they 'd find true power . But here it was . And Blood Lump believed . When the realization hit him , a new wave of terror rushed over him . It was as though someone reached into his ears and removed the stoppers . He was frozen , staring at Slackjaw - death waiting to tear his throat and finish him off with a few good kicks . But before Slackjaw could attack , a scream caught his attention . As luck would have it , somewhere across the road someone 's death granted Blood Lump his life . Slackjaw rushed off to join the carnage now laid out before Blood Lump 's eyes . He watched , numb and terrified , unable to process what he was seeing . Shapes and motions , blurred together , everything coated in a horrible red and he couldn 't understand why he couldn 't see until he realized he was crying . Horrible , wracking sobs tore from his lungs and his breath wouldn 't come . He felt the terror crawling through him , taking over , and if he didn 't do something , he would be lost to it as well . He put his hands over his ears and screamed , running as fast and as far away as he could , hoping his feet could carry him from the slaughterhouse . Sirin woke up , dazed . Her left cheek was cold and wet and her left eye wouldn 't open . She went to sit up and realized she couldn 't move . There was a weight pressing down across her back . She grunted , opening her right eye , blinking it to try and focus on the still shape in front of her . Crying and the occasional moan cut through the air around her as the world slowly resolved itself before her and she let out a quiet yelp . She was staring into the dead eyes of her mother , who was lying over her , pressing her into the mud . The songbird had returned and was standing on her mother 's cheek , staring at her . " Hello , there , " she said , her voice thick and raw , her throat protesting in pain from the screaming and crying . The bird hopped back , its foot landing on the gash in her mother 's temple , the one made by the stone that had pushed her over the edge . She swallowed and reached out , her hand grasping for purchase anywhere , trying to extricate herself from under her mother . She found a hunk of grass and gripped it tightly , pulling with all her might , slowly working her body free , her mother 's body rolling onto its stomach , her face sinking into the mud . Sirin stood , unsteadily , and looked around at the carnage her voice had unleashed on the village . She stared at the bodies , the death , the horror , the destruction and knew that this was all her fault . She heard a light clicking noise and then a quick chirp and she turned to see the songbird back on the fence post where it had been standing when everything started . She stared at it , wondering still if there were any way she could make it be her friend and if she even dare try . It chirped , a harsh , piercing sound - admonishing her , blaming her - and then flew away , its shape quickly lost over the trees . She sat on the ground next to her mother and leaned into her , tears freely flowing down her cheeks . " I 'm sorry , Mommy , " she said , her lips pressed against her mother 's cold body , her arms finding their way around her mother 's waist . " I 'm sorry . " She laid there , repeating the words over and over until they stopped being words and turned into light sobs . She had no idea how long she laid there , listening as the world grew quiet and cold around her , but after a while , she heard a sound behind her . A quiet , furtive sound - stealthy and wrong . She stood to see what it was . Blood Lump slowly emerged from the copse of trees he 'd sequestered himself . He sat there for hours , his hands pressed tightly against his ears , humming roughly , his eyes closed . Eventually , the terror faded and he could no longer hear the screams inside his head . He stood with his ear up , listening for any indication that it was still not safe to enter the village , but none came . Sighing , he walked back toward the site of the massacre , warily looking around . When he finally arrived at the edge of town , he just stood , looking at all the dead - the villagers , his men , everyone . How quickly everyone had been overcome . Such raw emotion - utter terror . Once that terrible feeling started to spread , once her power worked its way through their defenses , they didn 't even need to hear her - they just had to know it was happening . Quiet sobs reached his ears and he looked for their source , seeing Sirin leaning over the body of her mother , hugging her . A new surge of fear wrapped itself around him as he stared at her , looking at the girl who just destroyed her entire village - and his gang - in a matter of moments . You 've still got a job to do , gang or no gang , he thought and slowly approached her , desperately trying not to attract attention . As he crept forward - nearing her , almost upon her - his foot caught the edge of a stone , turning it over and almost sending him sprawling . He stared down at it , recognizing it as the one he threw at Kellisandra , the one that actually hit her , the one that set the whole massacre in motion . Sirin stopped sobbing , her body stiffening at the sound of his foot across the rock . Blood Lump leaned over and picked it up , brandishing it like a weapon . Though , what are you doing to do with that ? She can make you do anything she wants just by asking you to do it . Sirin turned , her eyes locking with his and he knew she knew - she knew he was the one . She knew he had started it all . She also knew that there would be one more victim to her songs before the day was over . She inhaled , the hatred in her eyes burning into him as he screamed at himself Do it ! Do something ! Do ANYTHING ! HURRY ! and he was acting without thinking . He raised the rock - Hurry ! Don 't let her sing ! DON ' T LET HER SING ! and brought it down on her head , knocking her unconscious before she could make a sound . He let out his breath in an explosive gasp and bent over , trying not to vomit . That little experiment almost had a 100 % fatality rate . He stayed bent over , trying to catch his breath . When he finally felt he could move again without fainting , he crouched next to Sirin and looked at her . All that power in such a little body , how was that even possible . If he hadn 't see what her voice could do , he wouldn 't believe it . Now he wouldn 't ever be able to forget it . He picked her up and slung her over his shoulder , her head bouncing against his back . Let 's get this present to the Voices of Nerat and hope he knows what do to with it . He laughed . Well , that 's his problem now . There was a sharp chirping and he jumped . A songbird landed on the fence post in the center of the massacre . It stared at him , cocking its head to the side . He laughed , a sound devoid of any mirth . I wonder if I 'm ever going to feel safe again . The bird took wing , flying over to him , landing on Sirin 's back . It chirped again and began preening itself . |
I 've written about this before , but sometimes when you are a mother , your life ( and identity ) get sucked up by your family . Some days , it seems like everyone has something to do outside of the house besides me . My husband has work , and his group of buddies that hunts and fishes with , and he goes to football games . The Grandmother bowls and shops and basically does whatever she wants . The Grandfather hunts anything that is in season , hangs out at the local " old - guy " hang - out , and also does whatever he wants . I 'm much more limited . I can 't just get out of bed and say , I think I 'll go to the mall today . Well , I can , but everyone has to go with me , and that takes some of the joy out of it . That 's a bad example - the mall is never my destination of choice without some express purpose . I really don 't know what example I would give . I 'm not much of a shopper . I 'm not going to hunt or fish , and bowling holds about as much interest as a visit to the dentist . I often say my family should be thankful that I am as content as I am . I don 't care about shopping or running around or any of that stuff . It really doesn 't take a lot to make me happy . But that doesn 't mean I don 't need anything . For example , I love to read . Love , love , love it . I read every single day of my life without fail . But it 's a very disjointed process . I read a little while , then someone interrupts me . Then I read a little longer , and then I get interrupted again . And so it goes . No one understands why this is so irritating . Imagine watching a show that you really like , and someone hits the pause button every five minutes or so . Then you have to wait a little while and watch five more minutes . Doesn 't sound like much fun , does it ? I think this is why so many of us seem to lose ourselves over the course of every day life . We don 't really lose ourselves - we just sort of forget that we are actually people , not just moms and wives and maids and cooks . It 's nice to have friends outside of your own family . It would be great to go to lunch sometimes and talk about something besides diapers . Mostly , I think it has to do with being able to use your mind . I find that my own brain seems to be turning slightly traitor on me . I 'm forgetting things more often . Worst of all , sometimes it seems like I 'm just not as smart as I used to be . I always considered myself a reasonably intelligent person , but some days I feel like the only thing I could have a meaningful conversation with anyone about is how to wipe an ass . There is hope , though . For one thing , as I am teaching my son , I find I am also teaching myself . I am " remembering " things I used to know . I actually find that I can do quite easily the math that I used to scorn . I 'm brushing up my grammar , which is by far my favorite subject . On a more fun note , I am also increasing my yoga practice . I have just simply made up my mind that I will make time each day to do it . It 's challenging both mentally and physically , because I 'm learning the theory and history of yoga as well as actually doing it . Best of all , I 've started teaching myself how to play the guitar . My son started taking guitar lessons , and I 'm cheating off of him , plus I 'm learning out of a book . I learned to play one of my all time favorite songs by watching someone else play it on the Internet . That probably sounds silly to some people , but it is so much fun , and again , it 's working my mind . It 's not like I think I 'm going to be the next guitar superstar or anything , it 's just something I can do that is reasonably cool ( you know , as opposed to ass - wiping . ) I think that 's sort of the point . You don 't do the things that interest you because you hope to get something out of them . You do them because , well , they interest you . It keeps you in touch with yourself , and the fact you don 't just exist for the sole purpose of taking care of other people . You have to take care of yourself sometimes , too . Maybe it sounds selfish , but I think you 'll find that if you do take care of yourself , it becomes a lot more enjoyable to take care of others . Do it for yourself . Do it for that young person you were all those years ago who had a list of things she wanted to try . Do it for your family , because they will really appreciate the happier , more content you . Most of all , do it for Clapton , because Clapton is a god . I just wrote various things to him as they crossed my mind . I put current events in there and give him my thoughts , like the entries on 9 / 11 and the Oklahoma City bombing . The idea was that when he grew up , he could have it and read it , maybe even after I was gone . ( You know , like to Florida or something . ) I had a similar book for Matt that I wrote after we got engaged . I gave it to him as a wedding gift . I also have one for Evelyn , but I 'm pretty sure she 'll never read it , so it 's a lot more like a journal . Anyway , I was reading through Ian 's book , and for whatever reason , I decided to share one of the entires ( letters , whatever . ) When you 're six , it 's different . You say things and people might get mad at you or you might get in trouble . But all in all , people tend to forget the mean things little kids say . But I want you to remember something - there will come a time when you will have to be accountable not only for the things you do , but for the things you say . In a book by Stephen King called The Green Mile , he says " A man 's mouth can get him more trouble than his pecker ever could , most of the time . " That 's not trouble at school like getting your card flipped , but trouble like saying something that you can never take back . Once that cruel word comes out of your mouth , it 's out forever . You can 't " unsay " anything . Hurtful words make a brand on a person 's insides , and even if you are forgiven , even if they forget , you need to remember that the brand remains . They will always wonder why you said it - you must have had that thought in your head all along . It 's okay to say , " That makes me mad , " or " I don 't like that , " or " You did something I don 't like . " It 's never okay to say " You 're ugly , " or " stupid " or " You always do this " or " You never do that . " These things don 't just apply to your friends and loved ones . There might be a kid at school that everyone picks on . You might find yourself in a situation where you could pick on that person , too . You should imagine yourself as that person , and feel those words from the inside . You can 't imagine how badly they can hurt - and who wants to look back and see they had such a negative impact on someone else 's life ? How sad to think that what you left behind in another person 's mind is hurt . One last thing - back at the beginning of January , thirteen coal miners got trapped in a mine . Twelve of them died because they ran out of breathable air . As they sat and waited for rescue or death , they wrote notes to their families in case it wasn 't the rescuers who arrived first . Twelve of the thirteen died waiting . What must that be like ? To sit and write out all of the things you want to say to your loved ones before the end of your life , and wish so much that you had said them in person . Some of us say things that we would never want to be the last thing we said to someone , but there 's no guarantee that it won 't be . If there 's one thing your mother has learned over the years , it 's that , in this life , there are no guarantees . Remember that . Posted on October 23 , 2011 by The ( not so ) Special Mother I slipped out of the house undetected ( after a complete report on where I was going and when I 'd be back ) a couple of days ago to have lunch with my husband . Before I came home , I called to see if anyone wanted anything while I was out . No . Then I asked if everyone was ok . Here 's the conversation : Now , I have this thing where , no matter what anyone says , I can usually apply some sort of movie quote or song lyric to it . I wrote about it here . So I started thinking about what it really means to be " normal . " First of all , my brain spewed out a quote from the movie " Tombstone . " At the very end , Doc Holiday is dying , and he asks Wyatt Earp what he wants , and Wyatt says , " Just a normal life , " to which Doc responds , " There is no normal life , Wyatt , there 's just life . " Then , naturally , my mind jumped to Spongebob , and the episode where Spongebob becomes " normal . " My life definitely does not qualify as normal - at least , not to the public in general . With a sister and daughter with severe and yet very different types of disability , my days are probably not a lot like yours . And yet , they might not be as different as you think . I still have to get everyone up , get them fed , get them headed in their various directions for the day , meals are planned , bodies are washed , teeth are brushed , books read , work done , house cleaned …… you get the picture . The same things have to be done , they are just done a little differently . My life is normal , to me at least . I think maybe normal is a very subjective word , like most things , if you stop and think about it . We all just sort of do what we do , you know ? I am always amused when someone says , " I have no idea how you do what you do . I couldn 't . " I always bite my tongue and I never say what crosses my mind ( note to doubters : believe it or not , despite rumors to the contrary , I do NOT say everything that pops into my mind ) which is simply " Sure you could , if that 's what you had to do . " My dear friend is a stay - at - home mom like me , and she has a son who just turned two . He demands her attention all of the time . I mean this in a very literal sense . He won 't sleep without her , eat without her , nothing . Ever . Can I make this any clearer ? On top of that , her middle child feels compelled to compete for her attention . I am about ten years past my baby - tending prime , and I swear , I have no idea why she isn 't in a mental ward somewhere . She is either the most patient person on earth , or she has some really good drugs . Maybe a little both . My own mother is with her husband all of the time . I am not making this up . They work in the same place and they have the same schedules . They take the same vacations . They are together all of the time . Did I mention they are never apart ? I have the type of personality that completely supports the theory that you can 't really appreciate someone until you spend some time apart from them . I know another woman who isn 't a close friend , although I do see her pretty regularly . She is one of those , whaddayacallem , obedient wives , and she asks her husband 's permission before she makes decisions about the kids , the money , the house , whatever . Um , I didn 't get married because I needed support for my poor decision - making abilities . That fellow and me would last in a marriage less than twenty - four hours , I promise . I 'm not bragging - he 'd despise me probably more than I would despise him . So you see , normal really doesn 't exist , at least outside of our own walls . Everyone has their own thing going on , and it always appears kind of weird to people on the outside looking in . Before you look at my life and think , " I couldn 't do that ! " remember : you might be surprised what you could do . I guess we all just do whatever we have to . Except the obeying the husband thing . I 'm pretty sure that is way out of my reach . I mean , I 'm not even going to talk about what kind of taxes rich people have to pay . Unless of course they don 't have to pay any , and then I guess that 's ok . Oh ! And let 's not forget how difficult it is to make sure the help is all legal - let 's see those green cards , guys ! Then there 's the constant demands of the people around the rich - you know , to do something worthy with their money and make a difference in the world . And you can 't even imagine how much the insurance on a Bentley costs ! Somehow , rich people are becoming the victims . Of all of the amazing things I 've heard in the course of my life , this one has to be WAAAAAYYYYYY up there at the top of the list . I 'm not so naive that I actually believe taxing rich people will solve our economic problems - but neither am I so dumb that I think it 's okay for everyone else on Earth to pay taxes for basically everything except the air we breathe ( don 't get any ideas , Mr . President , it was just a joke ! ) and that certain other financially endowed people get a break . I find it amusing that Congress was against the increase on taxing the rich - hel - LO ! They ARE the rich ! These are the same people who get on television and gesture and tear at their hair and open small arms fire at the opposing party because of the state of our economy … . . and then vote to give themselves a cost of living raise . Now , I know this horse is long dead , and I know Rep . Fleming wasn 't really asking for sympathy when he informed us that he " only " made about $ 400 , 000 after he " fed his family " ( what the & % $ # is his family eating , anyway ? ) I still couldn 't help but to not give a shit . I 'm sure $ 400 , 000 is what the IRS sees on his personal income tax , but I 'm equally sure he 's just as big a whore as everyone else in DC . True Story : The government wanted to adjust some school lunch programs around the country to include fewer potatoes and some different , healthier vegetables from time to time . The bill was doing pretty good , until apparently it suddenly occurred to the potato producers that , " Hey ! That means they won 't be buying as many potatoes ! " So they threw some money at the right people , and that particular bill went down in flames . I hope they at least wore a condom . Even if $ 400 , 000 a year really is " all " someone earns , is that a bad thing ? I think I could stretch that out for a year . Of course , my tastes are probably not quite as exquisite . But damn ! Think of the books I could put on my Kindle with that ! And celebrities . They crack me up . Professional sports players actually going on strike . They cry and say they have no privacy and no personal lives because everything is photographed and splashed across the cover of magazines . Oh , excuse me while I get a tissue . Don 't like it ? Give up the millions and millions of dollars you make for basically playing dress - up and go to work like the rest of us . Yes , and that means Consuela has to leave and you have to take care of your own kids . Uh - oh . I thought that might be a deal - breaker . I especially love when these celebs go to foreign countries . Angelina is my favorite , by far . She goes to all of these poverty - ridden countries , and after she adopts a kid or two to tote around for the cameras , she frowns and hugs some of the ones she didn 't adopt , and gets lots of great photo - ops . She puts her skinny , vein - y arms around those little guys and it just about breaks your heart . If celebrities are so worried about those people , why don 't they realize that the opulent lifestyles they lead are a direct mockery to the image they are trying to portray ? Hey , Angie ! Why not drop a couple hundred bucks and hand out some sandwiches and DaSani ? I 'm sure somewhere out there someone is going to go on about all of the good celebrities do and how they use their fame to make issues more public so pathetic low - life losers like us can be more aware of them . Whatever . There are people all over this planet who do good - no , make that great - things every day who don 't need to have a picture of it to make it count , and furthermore , they sure as hell aren 't rich . The worst thing about all of this is that money is really just a figment of our imagination , anyway . Dave Barry says it 's like Tinkerbell - the only reason it exists is because we believe in it . Keep clapping , everyone ! First , I love pictures - especially pictures of my children . I have literally thousands of them . The dark side of that love is that I cannot stand to think that there are pictures of my kids out in the world somewhere that I don 't have . True Story : I took the kids to a portrait studio once many years ago , and my daughter cried through the whole thing . She would not pose , she would not smile , period . My son tried to cooperate , but the daughter was definitely bumming him out . So when I went back to see the packages and decide what to buy , I was confronted with a bunch of pictures of my daughter either frowning like Hank Williams Jr . on Monday night or outright crying , and my son looking like he was battling a severe toothache . So of course I did the only reasonable thing . Well , in my defense , it was a cheap ( ish ) package . I couldn 't stand it . I had to buy some . Even the picture lady sort of looked at me like maybe I 'd been spending too much time in the paint department at Lowe 's , but I just couldn 't help myself . Now , the other instinct on the line on picture day is my desire to stop wasting money . Why on earth would anyone pay good money for those pictures ? And , to make the situation even more disgusting , they no longer provide " proofs " ( remember ? ) for you to look at before you buy . You have to make your selections and have your money at school on picture day , or you don 't get any pictures . Also , the prices just keep going up . I suspect this is a key factor to our declining economy - higher prices for poorer quality . But thinking about that too much makes my head hurt . I think part of the problem is that the photographer is under a lot of pressure . Whoever that poor soul is has my sympathy . He has to snap a picture of hundreds of kids in a few short hours , and I 'm sure by the time the 100th or so kid herds through , he or she isn 't even seeing the kid . The teacher could plop , I don 't know , a hand puppet onto that little stool and the photographer would just say , " Smile , " and then click , then " Next , please . " Those poor kids are just marched through like little cows with gel in their hair . I think eventually , to raise profit margins , studios will start hiring the lady who takes your picture at the DMV . Well , I don 't know . I 'm not sure she moves fast enough . Wait ! I know ! How about if they just install a little switch on the stool , and when the kids sit down , they will activate the switch , and their picture will automatically be taken . No photographer needed ! But this year , I did it . I finally did it . I sent my daughter to school on picture day without her money or her envelope . I didn 't order pictures . There will be a school picture out there that I don 't have . I 'm fine with that . Really . I 'm sure it 's going to be a bad picture , anyway . Right ? Right ? ! Posted on October 9 , 2011 by The ( not so ) Special Mother Well , it 's that time of year again . That happy , magical time when our family leaves behind the trappings of civilization and heads to the mountains for some interaction with nature ! Usually , too much so . Our SOP is to head to the mountains twice a year - once as just a couple , and once ( in the fall ) as a married couple with two kids . The husband and I went there in July and had a great trip . This time I put my maternal foot down and reserved a cabin to stay in instead of our usual tent - based adventure . The weather is fairly chilly , especially at night , and somehow I just couldn 't get enthusiastic about shivering in a tent for three nights . So , instead , we shivered in a cabin for three nights . I feel I should define the word " cabin , " lest you become confused and imagine us lounging in a centrally heated , house - like dwelling similar to a hotel room . Oh no . In WV state park terminology , this cabin was defined as " standard , " although that term could be considered fairly loose . I mean , standard to one person could be vastly different than standard for someone else . Like , some folks are happy if a toilet is standard . I , on the other hand , have slightly higher standards , and they keep getting higher the older I get . The cabin does have a bathroom , kitchen , and some furniture , but I found this to be more troubling than I would have imagined . When we camp with our tent , it 's all our stuff - our own towels , sheets , beds - you get the point . In the cabin , not so much . Also , our tent has far less mice . This is a bad time of year for mice if you are a country dweller , and a cabin in the middle of the woods doesn 't stand a chance . The mice are thinking it 's a little too cold outside , too , so there is some fair amount of competition for space . We managed to trap one , but saw another the next night . Maybe we should have put the dead mouse outside as a warning to the others . Normally I don 't approve of animal killing of any kind , but I have to tell you , I can 't deal with mice in the house - too nasty . I usually just wash up the dishes as soon as we get there , but this time I had to wash the dishes each time right before we used them , just in case . The kids liked the cabin - especially the daughter , because I took her portable tv / dvd combo and her movies . The son thought it was the coolest thing ever , of course . For some reason , my daughter was determined to hurt herself , and her efforts finally culminated in a shocking but thankfully brief moment when she managed to fold herself up in a portable rocking chair . Having the cabin was undoubtedly better , but we became obsessed with the fire . We dared not stray too far in fear that the fire would go out , and then we 'd freeze and be forced to eat the stuffing out of the mattresses . So we fed the fire . I 'd be willing to bet that the deforestation of at least a few acres of woodland could be traced to our fire this weekend . The biggest factor in fire - having success is building one to begin with . There are critical elements of fire - building that you must master in order to have a long - lasting , heat - producing fire . These are the two biggest : If you succeed in lighting it , I must warn you , a fire is hungry . The husband and the son had tickets to WVU 's football game on Saturday , so they abandoned me and my daughter for the day to go see it . All I did was put wood on that fire . If I turned my back for more than a few minutes , the fire became jealous and began to produce copious amounts of stinky smoke instead of flame . Then for a change it would burn furiously and devour all of the wood I had just put on there . I could actually hear it chuckling when I turned my back . Once , I decided I 'd lay down with my daughter and have a nap , and I was laying there innocently trying to doze off . Through the drowsiness my nose started sending me a message . So aside from feeding the fire , it was a very relaxing time . As always , cabin or tent , there is no cell phone service up there , so it 's very quiet . The cabin area is even quieter than the campground , although the whole park was pretty busy with the leaf peepers ( people who drive from all over to see the fall colors . ) It was great to spend time together as a family , doing all of those fun family things that bring us all closer - feeding the fire , disposing of dead mice , extracting children from collapsed chairs , feeding the fire , hiking , laughing , feeding the fire , napping , feeding the fire …… . If you have your child ( or sister , as the case may be ) enrolled in any of these programs , such as the I / DD Waiver program , then paperwork becomes downright frightening . Apparently some government official somewhere decided that six thousand pounds of paperwork a month wasn 't enough , so now they have decided that anyone who works with the special needs " consumer " ( that 's their new term for the disabled individual ) has to have lots of specialized training . Since I am one of my sister 's " providers , " I am required to have this training . I technically don 't have to do the training , but then we won 't qualify for the services provided by Waiver , and that would be a major bummer . There are TONS of qualifications that have to be met , and this whole day of training is one of them . The purpose of this all day training session is to educate people like myself on how to care for people like my sister . That 's just in case I haven 't figured it out in the past twenty years or so . The largest part of the training is called " Crisis Intervention . " What that means is the government has too much time , too much money , and not enough sense . No , sorry , what that means is when a special needs person has a " crisis , " we are trained how to handle it . Now , a crisis is different for each person - some people scream , some people hurt others , and some people hurt themselves . The point is , there are certain ways they think you should handle the situation . I 'm not going to get into what the actual training consisted of . By far the most fascinating ( and infuriating ! ) part of the training was studying the people who were there , myself included . For example , I realized there is a good chance that I have that adult attention thing . I literally cannot sit still for more than twenty seconds or so . Also , one of the fluorescent lights kept blinking , and it nearly drove me batshit ! I doodled on the papers , squirmed , shifted , and glared at the blinking light for approximately seven hours . Good times . I guess the only thing that kept me from either dropping dead of a heart attack or jumping up and running screaming from the room was being able to watch the others trapped in paradise with me . I was , as I always am , fascinated by the different personality types represented in the room . Here were my favorites : The Stupid Question People : You know who they are , and you know what they do . In any group of people , there are at least of couple of these wonderful folks . Example : the instructor said , " Right now we are going to talk about how to get out of a one - handed grab . We will talk about two - handed grabs in just a minute . " One of the SQP 's responded immediately by saying , and I quote , " What if they grab you with two hands ? " The Smug Guy : Oh yes , he was there . The guy who knew it all and knew it best . Not only that , but he was incredibly convinced of his own wit . One of the first things we talked about was identifying changes or escalation in behavior , and he said , " Let 's just take a step back here . How exactly are you all defining ' behavior ' ? " He even did the air quotes thing . He knew exactly what she meant - we all did . We all have special needs people in our lives . He just had to be cute . He had some narcissistic need to show everyone how smart he was . I can observe most of these people with disdainful detachment , but I 'll be honest , this guy got to me . I think some of my neighbors were equally disgruntled . I was afraid it would escalate to the point where all of us , driven by irritation and lack of food , would rush upon the Smug Guy en masse and whack him repeatedly over the head with our Crisis Intervention handouts . Given the heft of these papers , he would have , at the very least , been put into a coma . The Late People : Isn 't it wonderful to be somewhere on time , and then have to sit and wait for people who apparently can 't tell time ? We were supposed to start at 8 : 30 sharp , and we were pre - registered , so the instructors knew there were some people missing , and they kept saying things like , " Just a few more minutes , " and " We 'll just give them another minute or two to get here . " Finally the stragglers wandered in , but two people go there at 9 : 00 , after the class had started . Not only that , but the exact same people could not grasp the concept of a fifteen minute break . The could not make it back on time , even though we never even left the building for the breaks ! The Random Thoughts Guy : Guess who was sitting beside this guy ? I 'll give you a hint : it was me . He would sit quietly for a while , then just make some random statement . From time to time he would morph into a Stupid Question Person , but really he was in a league of his own . At one point , after watching a video about infection prevention , he said ( I swear ) " Did you hear about that athlete that had AIDS ? And then they took all his blood out and cleaned it or something ? And then he didn 't have AIDS anymore ? I don 't know , they must have did it in some other country or something . Seems like a shame they can 't do that in this country , you know ? " It was a long , long day . The Martyr : Oh boy . Boy oh boy . This was a young woman who has a son with autism . I couldn 't say for sure what issues he has , because no matter what anyone said , this woman had to pipe up and tell about her son did or had the same thing . And she couldn 't stop talking during the whole session . Once , a comment was made about how the weather affects some people in a negative way , and she said , " Oh , the weather definitely has an effect on my son . " When someone mentioned hitting , she said , " Oh , my son is definitely a hitter . " Then she would nod her head sagely after each comment . I could go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on …… . but you get the picture . My first instinct was to be annoyed with this woman , like maybe she was looking for pity . Hell , I don 't know , maybe she was . All I could think was that she just wanted to be a part of the conversation , of the group even , if you can dig it . Sometimes , having a special needs child can seem very isolating , and here was a whole room full of people who knew exactly what it was like to go through the daily struggles that we go through . I get it . She was a nice woman , you know , other than the fact I wanted to stick my ink pen up her nose . In short , it really wasn 't the way I would have chosen to spend my day , but what can you do ? I did actually learn a few things , I guess , and I met some nice people . A few of us are going to get together soon , and when you read an article in the paper about a man found dead under a mountain of paperwork , I have no idea what happened . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Leaving for Albuquerque at 3 : 30 am tomorrow . I am not packed . My friend has been packed for months . We are tempermentally quite different . Cannot wait to be on my own and focused on me , myself and I . Selfish program indeed . And to meet Father Keating will be amazing . Not to mention seeing a part of the country I have never seen before . We are going to a conference entitled The Inner Room focusing on the 11th step and Centering Prayer . There will be workshops to deepen our understanding of prayer as well as seminars by Father Keating and another monk . Each evening there is a 12 Step meeting and I have a list of meetings as well . Actually I even have a contact in Albq . who was part of my online group for awhile . He left so I am uncertain if I should try to arrange to meet him at a meeting . I 'm sure he 's sober but he was unhappy with the group . I think I should . It would be cool . Conscious contact here I come ! ! ! And for Molly . . . I did get a few pics . . . . . I am sad because they are getting big and I 'm sure I 'm going to miss them leave the nest . . . . . So I 've got this box that has been sitting on my table , ( remember my dining room table ) for a few weeks now . It 's full of food , all kinds of stuff . I didn 't even have to go shopping , I had it and noone was eating it but it was good stuff . Anyway , I need to send it off to the soldier I was given . I signed up to send care packages over . He is in Iraq and my husband said the other day not to bother because the war was over and the troops came home . If only . . . . Procrastination is a five sylable word for sloth . That 's what it says in the 12 x 12 . I 've always been bad with mailing things . For some reason , putting a package together , then sealing it , then labeling it and then horror of horrors going to the post office seems to be too much for me . The same with cards . I love buying them . But I always want to write a note , then I 've got to find the address , and then see above . Geez ! I love email cards because I can just zip ' em off . And if I shop online I can send gifts directly . I can 't tell you how well this works because I haven 't completed the task . I can tell you that if you sign up they send you an email with your soldier 's name and address and when he is returning . My goal is to get this package in the mail by July 2009 ! It be nice if I did it earlier so he could maybe get more than one . They send you a three page list of suggested items and also tell you what you can 't send . Anyway , I thought if I wrote about it I could finally get this thing out of my house and my soldier could enjoy his goodies . Well , this was my attempt to outdo Molly 's husband and get a great shot of the robin feeding her babies . I 'm so competitive . There are three babies . This was from the other day . I failed . I need one of those professional cameras not a Canon Power Shot ! Its not so powerful . Do the fathers do the feeding ? That 's what it appears to me . Then the mother comes and hangs out for awhile . Or maybe its vice versa . This morning as I was on my swing the parent landed on the rail right next to me with a worm hangin ' out of its mouth and then was very suprised to see me and flew away . I realized they use the railing to launch to get to the nest . So because I was there the poor thing had to go around and through the trees and vines . Not quite as easy but he did it and the little chicks necks strained to get the worm . So fun to watch . A few years ago my husband and I sat on the swing and got to watch as the babies learned to fly . I hope we are there for that this time too . My kids cannot understand my fascination . But I love it . I woke up with a splitting headache this morning ( no , not a hangover Judith : ) Not sure the cause . Its probably my cycle , sorry guys . Or maybe I have a meeting hangover . I went to three yesterday . Or maybe its from cigarettes , yes I 've picked up that nasty habit again . On and off since Feb . I successfully quit in May but when I went to the lake with the girls I smoked with the smokers . I think it was my way of belonging since I didn 't drink . Came home and didn 't smoke for a week but then . . . . well . . . . . . maybe on my trip to Albuquerque which means I should stop today and get the patch so I 'm prepared . I clearly understand this is a substitute addiction which means I 've got some work to do . What is it that 's missing ? Maybe I 'll find it in New Mexico . Or maybe its from worry . My daughter didn 't make it home last night . She called around midnight as they got on the Hutchinson Parkway in NYC towards home . I wanted her to stay at my brother 's . She said we 're teenagers , we 're not tired and we drank coffee . I am certaPosted by Today has been a day that I typically would have reveled in alcohol . Its a beautiful summer day . My daughter has gone to NYC to see a ballet . My husband is up at bike week in Laconia . My son did community service all morning and left again for work at 3pm . I would have loved this time . Guilt free drinking . I would have probably started early or maybe I would have waited until 3 . Noone will be here for most of the night . J may or may not spend the night but if she comes home it will be in the wee hours of the morning . E will be working until 11 and my husband likely won 't be home until tomorrow . I would have started drinking and relished the fact that noone was here to witness my gluttony and nag at me for drinking during the day , having another , opening another or interfering with my drinking by making demands like dinner or a ride or a conversation . I would have wandered around the house . Probably I would be drinking my usual tumbler of red wine but I might have started with gin & tonic given its the first day of summer . Maybe done some chores so I could rationalize the drinking . When they would get home all the laundry might be done and the house might be immaculate . Or I could have blown the whole thing off . They 're all having fun so I might as well sit on the porch sipping and reading , or watching a movie . Ultimately I would pass out and would be found " sleeping " on the couch because I was " waiting up " . Usually I was unawakable and would be startled into awakeness sometime in the middle of the night . Mouth full of cotton , a pounding headache and disoriented . Then I would have tiptoed around the house and maybe looked out the window to see whose car was here . Gone up to bed to see who was home . The next morning I would say why didn 't you wake me when you came home and would be told either that they had tried and couldn 't or that I WAS awake , don 't I remember ? Or I might not have said anything to avoid just that scenario . Thank you God that is over . Instead I went to a new meeting this morning a bit away . I likedPosted by Just wanted to reflect on my experience Tuesday . I live in a seaside community and there is a meeting every Tues & Thursday on a boat that goes out to sea . I think they have been doing this for 20 or more years . Think opposite of Booze Cruise . It 's full of sober people , they get speakers and hold a meeting and then return . Last year it was announced at every meeting and in all my newness , self consciousness , and insecurity I never went . Didn 't think it could possibly be fun . Tuesday I was supposed to get my medallion from the Stepsisters but a few of the gals wanted to go on the first cruise , my sponser included . They left it to me and since to even think about going on the cruise with anticipation was such a huge example of progress to me I chose to go . It was amazing to me as well because if I had picked to stay they would have so they could see me get my medallion . I will receive it next week . It 's okay and the cruise was a blast . The boat rocked wicked , the wind was whipping but it was one of the best times in sobriety I have had . Good speakers , good company and a beautiful sunset . What more can I ask for ? ? Getting ready for the day . Just sitting on my porch swing with my coffee . Listening to the birds chattering . The neighborhood hasn 't gotten up yet though a few walkers are struggling with the hill I live on . Even the bunny that eats the dandelion stems in our unmowed lawn isn 't up yet . The wisteria has bloomed for the first time since I lived here for 6 years . The robin is sitting on her nest in the crevice . I 'll probably never see the babies as she has now it is safely snuggled between the old wisteria vines and the new growth is covering it well . But most of the time she doen 't fly away anymore when I come out to sit . There is a cool breeze and maybe a little rain in the forecast as the sun is covered . I 've got to get ready for work and have to leave early because I 've been promoted in my morning group to chairperson on Fridays . Cool . Got to wake up my son for his last day of school . My daughter will drive him and he should be able to get his license back next week allowing him more freedom ( and me and my husband . ) And the clock has chimed so I 'm off to begin the day . Looking forward to the weekend but staying in the moment . . . . . . I made my first amends this weekend to my best friend since high school . Was at her birthday party where she reminded me that the last time we saw each other was at her mother 's birthday party in the same venue and where I won drunkest party guest , woo hoo ! . She asked me if I was planning on a repeat perfomance and I told her that for just that reason I was no longer drinking . Later that night I pulled her aside and told her that I had been sober for a year , that I had finally admitted that I was an alcoholic and that part of my recovery meant that I needed to apologize to people that I had harmed . I apologized to her for being such a shitty friend and thanked her for sticking by me . She said I wasn 't a shitty friend at all . . . so I said okay , I was a good friend that did shitty things and named just a few while acknowledging that there were many and took responsibility for them . She said that was the best birthday gift she could have received and how thankful she was that I was finally " here " . I was able to thank her for being my rock and always being there for me . She was the one I called when I needed someone to check on my mother . She was the one who found my mother and called me to get my ass home . I told her that although it took me some time , my mother 's low bottom had become my high bottom . Tears were cried and we left it at that . Hopefully we 'll find a more appropriate time to talk but this was enough for now . I didn 't get a chance to make amends to the other person I wanted to . My other friends sister . She 's the one who took care of me when I got sick at my friend 's wedding . Also I didn 't show up for her own wedding mainly because I didn 't have a date and I wanted to go out to the bars instead . So I was a noshow . One of those people whose dinner you pay for because they RSVP affirmative but who don 't come . But she was way too busy Friday night working on her sister 's party and it would have been selfish and self seeking of me to talk to her . This is what I am learning about God 's time not mine . The AA meKathy Lynne The one thing about turning 50 is that there are a lot of parties . . . I didn 't have one thankfully but 2 of my friends from high school are this weekend one of whom I partied with through my 20s . One tonight and one on Saturday night . So we are going back to my home town for the parties . I am not worried about drinking . If it gets uncomfortable I 'll leave . . . these are my friends not my husbands so he should be good with that . At first I thought I 'd walk in guns blazing . . . . I 'm an Alcoholic ! I go to AA , ! need to make an amends to you ! . . . . . for that time I threw up in the centerpiece at your wedding , or that time you left me in Rhode Island without a car ( I 'm sure because I was so drunk that I was obnoxious ) or the time I made you miss Aerosmith because I threw up in the aisle before they even got on stage . I am pretty confident that people will notice that I 'm not drinking . My reputation from those days is life of the party and pounding them down ! But I realized this morning at the meeting that I just need to take a breath and slow down . Whether I tell them , whether I make amends is not in my time but in God 's time . If it happens it happens if not that 's okay too . The point is I am willing . Thank God for step meetings and sponsers . There are no meetings in the town where I went to high school . I find that amazing . Maybe its just my perception but it seemed to me that 90 % of my graduating class drank and drugged . I 've got a meeting list for the surrounding area so I 'm good but geez ! So Have a great weekend . . . . . sober ! It was wierd yesterday , I actually got butterflies going to the meeting . I kinda hoped I could walk in and it would be another day but I knew that a few people in there would make a big deal and they did . But it was nice . This is my family . The chairperson asked me if I would start the round robin so I said okay and then regretted it . Only because one of those miracles happenend and I got choked up . My gratitude list yesterday included a woman , Ruth from that meeting who I had not seen in quite some time . She had moved to another part of the state and though I didn 't know that and in the back of my mind I always wondered I had asked one of her friends who pops in and out of the meeting how she was and her response was she hadn 't seen her and to call her . I called the number I had but it had been disconnected so I just had to wonder . Yesterday she just " happened " to be in town and when she walked into the meeting I couldn 't believe it . And my eyes just welled up . I had to excuse myself during the reading of How It Works and made sure to come back with a big chunk of paper towel . She had just been so nurturing towards me and had a gentle , warmness about her . When I finally accepted my 24 hour chip the feeling was overwhelming and when we stood up to say the Lord 's Prayer that day I was weeping . She gave my hand a squeeze and said the Lord 's Prayer made her cry too and asked me if I needed a phone list from the group . I never would have done so on my own . Then she wrote her number on it and that was that . About a month or so later , she took me on my first committment . Our group goes to a local rehab facility once a month . It was her turn to lead and she had announced she needed volunteers . I approached her and asked if I was too " young " to go . And her response was , you have more sobriety than they do so come along . It was an amazing experience for me . I had to tell my story but I honestly didn 't have a story to tell yet . I was still learning what my story was . She said to start there and I did . It was good for me andPosted by So its official . . I have been sober for one whole year . Today I am grateful for : The Gift I was given one year ago today . My therapist reminded me that the last time I drank just " happened " to be Father 's Day and suggested that perhaps the Gift had come from my own father trying to finish up business left undone here on earth . His own amends so to speak . Made me cry . It was what I needed . Whether it was my own father or our Father . . . I accept . My husband who has been as supportive of my recovery as he enabled my drinking . And I don 't mean that as a backhanded compliment , just that if you stick with an alcoholic for 21 years there may be some enabling going on but through sickness and in health he is with me . My children who inspire me every day . My Mother whose low bottom became my high bottom . My sponser who has gently guided me through the steps and AA without me really even knowing it . Red headed Gal whose blog I found on Day 1 of sobriety and whose story was so like mine . Scout , Irish Friend and johno who encouraged me to go to AA in those first two weeks of exploration . The rest of my blog friends who inspire me every day ( well , almost every day : ) Archie whose post on an Easier Softer Way helped me to understand the principles of AA which finally got my ass to a meeting . The AA Beginners Yahoo Group who lurked in the background of my life for years and was there for me when I finally surrendered . Kathy V . who reached out her hand to me at my first meeting . The folks in the What 's Good About Today group for being there 6 days a week and watching me cry , laugh , holding my hand , hugging me and welcoming me . I love them . The Tuesday night Stepsisters , see above , and where I found my sponser . Chickie who encouraged me to pick up that 24 hour chip . Ruth who told me she always cried during the Lord 's Prayer too and that she slept through her entire first year of sobriety and took me on my first commitment . Bill W . and Dr . Bob , geniouses and divinely inspired . Trish from AABC , my temporary sponser until I found a face to face one . ThPosted by Today is the anniversay of my last drunk . It was a Sunday It really was no different than any other day . . . . . I assume that I had been drinking all week as usual and I think on Saturday , while I was drinking , I had decided ( yet again ) to quit FOREVER . . . . . tomorrow ! . Of course Sunday came , I woke up in the morning , sick as dog as usual but determined that today would be the day . By early afternoon , I was in my car and down to the local store to buy " groceries " for dinner . Of course it was just as easy to add the wine to my cart . You know the routine . I self justified , rationalized and in plain english BULLSHITTED my way to the store . And then I spent the afternoon pleasantly sitting on my porch swinging on my swing , reading and sipping away . Feeling better with each sip because the hangover was going away . Although I wasn 't really a sipper , I was more of a gulper . I didn 't drink my wine out of a pretty glass but usually out of a tumbler normally used for iced tea . I drank away the afternoon with no more thought to my resolve . I made dinner and later we watched the finale of the Sopranos . I remembered it . I didn 't pass out . I didn 't black out though that was usual for me . Nothing horrible happend except the next morning I was so sick I couldn 't face my job or myself . I don 't know what happened that morning or why it was different than any other morning . I know it had nothing to do with me . It was a gift . Stay in the day right ? ? If today is anything like yesterday it will be blessed . I managed to get 3 prayer sits in and boy oh boy does that make a difference . Did my morning one after the morning meeting . Then we had our 11th step meeting which is going well , first meeting 8 people , second meeting we had 11 and yesterday we had 6 . I think that 's a good start . And then the church had its Centering Prayer monthly workshop where we view a video of Thomas Keating and do a sit . ( A sit is a 20 minute period of prayer / meditation ) . Afterwards I went to dinner and movie with my husband . And in between I even managed to be productive at home . This is progress . The B12 must be kicking in because I had energy throughout the day and didn 't get tired until about 8 pm . Which I 'd say is normal for someone who gets up at 5 . And now I 'm up and ready to go . Love it ! Thanks for all the comments about the teacher . That helped and I talked to my sponser and I now feel comfortable contacting her . I know that her journey is in God 's hands , but my journey requires that I complete a 12th step by at least reaching out my hand . Posted by So here 's a situation that I share here because I am not sure I handled it very well . In fact I 'm sure I could have handled it differently and want to fix it . There are steps I can take but since I can 't always trust my instincts , I lay them out here . A woman attended our Stepsisters meeting and was clearly new . I recognized her as a teacher from the middle school . Once she settled in I approached her and welcomed her to the meeting and told her who I was . ( right there I 'm wondering if I should have just kept my big mouth shut regarding my recognizing her and identifying my children . ) She asked about my children whom she had taught . So we briefly discussed them and then I welcomed her again and took my seat . I saw her heave a big sigh of what I hoped was relief so I approached her again and asked if it was her first meeting . ( and here I 'm thinking I should have assured her that she was safe even though I had recognized her ) . She said it was her third and as we were talking another member of the group arrived with her daughter whom she regularly brings . This rattled the teacher and she told me she wasn 't expecting children and that she didn 't think she should stay for her own sake and the child 's sake . I told her I wasn 't sure this girl even attended her school so we asked the mother who replied that she did and the teacher then realized that she may very well have this girl as a student next year . She wanted to leave though we encouraged her to stay and she felt that she didn 't want to put the young girl in the position of having to protect her annonynmity even though her mother said she has been raised in AA and understands the principles . Another woman told her she should do whatever she felt most comfortable doing . The teacher chose to leave and I tried to think of another meeting she could go to but it was all too rushed . She was shook up and actually I was too . And here I think that I should have left with her to go to another meeting . Or at least walked outside with her to talk or given her my number . InsteaPosted by Today is the anniversary of the assination of Robert F . Kennedy . I was 10 years old and this was one of the first political memories I have . I remember hearing and seeing it on the Today show as I got ready for school and being devastated and angry with my friend who did not know or seem to care . As an adult I look back at that time as when our country seemed to veer away from the values and ideals that I hold dear . I am very grateful that we seem to be headed back in that direction . I was struck by this piece today in the NY Times by his daughter and particularly by her statement " that peace is not something to pray for , but something everyone has the responsibility to create every day ; " I think the same holds true for our sobriety . It is there for the asking but we must work for it . http : / / www . nytimes . com / 2008 / 06 / 05 / opinion / 05kerrykennedy . html Just a benign cyst . Thank you God . Glad You 're not quite ready for me cause I 'm not quite ready either . Must of been the lesson that I needed . By the end of the day Tuesday I was able to put the whole thing in perspective , stay in the moment and appreciate what was around me not what was ahead of me . So yesterday morning I was at peace , even when they kept me waiting for 40 minutes ! Once I was in the ultrasound room it went fast . The ultrasound tech found it right away based upon the xrays and then the doctor came in , ( it was a guy ) , to confirm . Nothing to do . Benign cysts are just that benign . They won 't develop into cancer . The plan is to just leave it alone . So I guess I won 't be buying any pretty head scarves , I won 't be making any meals to freeze before I die ( my husband 's request : ) , and if I want to lose weight I 'm going to have to do it the old fashioned way with diet and exercise . Thank you God . So I had my first B12 shot , nothing changed but I suppose it will take awhile to feel the difference . And of course now that I have a diagnosis for my fatigue , I just want to use it . I always pushed through it , at least most of the time , when I could , but now I don 't even want to try . Especially since it may go away soon . Why waste a good excuse for napping or avoiding chores ? And now for something completely different . . . . I got a call today from the xray dept that did my mammogram last week and apparently the radiologist wants to do an ultrasound . So of course , that means he ( well that 's a sexist assumption ) , I mean she saw something abnormal . I didn 't get into with the person who called because she would just tell me its routine . And I know that . But of course , I 'm off and running . Already planning my masectomy . Wondering if I could get a breast reduction out of the deal . . . . maybe it will help with weight loss . . . . planning how to tell my kids . . . . thinking about whether or not I would want a drink if I got a death sentence . I think I do . And that is not where I was just a few short weeks ago . So I need to get back in the moment , and just wait until Wednesday when I get it done . I suppose I need to call my sponser which I haven 't done lately and get cracking on my program . Speaking of amends . I had flashback to my friend 's wedding back in 1976 . We were 18 . She lives in another state and I will be attending her 50th birthday party in 2 weeks . When she got married I threw up in the centerpiece of our table . At least I wasn 't in the wedding and it wasn 't the head table . But her sister had to take me outside where I finished getting sick . Charming . And to top that off there was a bomb scare at the wedding , ( long story ) , and while I was outside in the parking lot , in my humiliation , the entire reception had to also come outside . Freaked me out . So I 'm not sure I owe my friend an amends or not . I think the bomb scare ruined her wedding not me . Not sure she was harmed by me . In fact I 'm a story she gets to tell . . . . that peopPosted by " There were in her at the moment two beings , one drawing deep breaths of freedom and exhilaration , the other gasping for air in a little black prison - house of fears . But gradually the captive 's gasps grew fainter , or the other paid less heed to them ; the horizon expanded , the air grew stronger , and the free spirit quivered for flight . " Edith Wharton |
Friday evening we took mom to Guiseppi 's Wharf for a nice seafood dinner . Here are some photos of our evening on the town . ( Isaac was with us but I decided not to flash the camera in his sleeping face . ) Here are some other random photos of Isaac , grama , and Scrubs from Friday and Saturday morning : When Isaac is in his swing , Scrubs has decided he needs to be on guard for . . . well , foxes maybe . Or maybe flies . Not sure . Scrubs in his normal position during Isaac feedings . He may look innocent , but he is hoping for a free moment that the bottle is not being properly guarded . Isaac went to run errands with Daddy and Mom K . on Friday afternoon . It was so hot that when he got home , we stripped him naked to let him cool off for a bit . He seemed to be very happy lying in his cool crib without clothes on . Mom and Isaac enjoying some cooling off time . Last night was a big night for us as we decided to move Isaac to his nursery . I had a bit more trouble with this idea than I thought , and JB willingly went into the nursery two times to talk at different levels and make sure we could hear the monitor . Overall , the night went well . Scrubs probably had the most trouble adjusting . The monitor noises and beepings and people coming and going and baby crying left him a little confused as to where he was supposed to be and if he should be sleeping . Right now it is Saturday afternoon . I have just gotten back from our church baby shower ( it was wonderful ! more details to come ! ) and we are on our way to a bbq with the care group at the beach . We also got word that our friend from Kentucky , Scott R . ( Ronnie 's cousin ) is in Destin vacationing with his four young children ! He just called to let us know so we will probably try to connect with him today or tomorrow . I 'll be sure to update you all with more photos from our weekend as it develops . Mom K . has now been here since Wednesday and keeps telling me that I need to take pictures ! I finally remembered to take my camera out . Isaac stayed at home with his Daddy this afternoon ( who is done with nights ! ) while Mom and I went to the bay and hung out with Deuce and " his person " Bobbie . One of the highlights of each day for me here in the panhandle is the 30 minutes to 1 hour I spend nearly everyday in this grassy area bordering Bobbie 's yard on the bay . Scrubs has such a good time playing with his Frisbee and with Deuce . It 's shady , and there is always a gentle breeze coming off the water . Here 's a few snaps of Scrubs and his best bud Deuce . It 's hard to see the water in the background , but I think you get the idea . In other news , we are busy working on some final details regarding Isaac 's adoption . There is a final court hearing approximately 90 days after placement . We will have to return to Fort Lauderdale for this event . We also have to get a post - placement home study done . This will include two visits by a social worker along with a myriad of other housekeeping issues . Right now , I am trying to find out who can do this for us . It 's a bit complicated , but because our agency is an international agency and technically , our first home study was done for our China daughter not for Isaac , we aren 't sure that America World can do the update . We will figure out but just need wisdom and guidance to find the best ( and cheapest ) place to do this through . We are also hoping to get the plastic surgeon to look at Isaac 's ear next week sometime . He has been out of town , but the rumor is , he is back on base . So hopefully we will get this moving soon . Our weekend promises to be a great one ! Tomorrow the church is hosting a shower for me in the morning , and in the afternoon , we are going to a cookout to celebrate Danny 's return from overseas and our good friends ' Tristan & Shannon 's departure for Turkey . Man we will miss them ! Any weekend that JB is home with us is glorious to me ! Man I have missed him the last few weeksat There isn 't one real thing to focus this blog on . So here are some minor " arrivals " in my life that I thought I would share with you . Mother - in - law arrives ! Mom K . is here , dude ! Big time happiness for me ! On my way to pick up Mom yesterday at the airport , I got stuck for about 30 minutes in bad traffic . When I passed the accident , my heart sunk . It was a mangled school bus . To read the story click here . I immediately started praying , hoping that the bus was empty when the rollover occurred as it seemed so improbable that children could have survived that accident . I was relieved when I got home to find online that none of the fourteen children were seriously injured despite the fact that the bus rolled over twice . Dinner arrives ! Megan from church brought us a delicious dinner last night ! Thanks Megan ! It was fantastic . I know Megan is busy celebrating the return of her husband Danny from deployment . We are blessed to have him home safely . We have been unbelievably blessed by all the meals from so many people . Thank you to everyone who brought appetizers , dinners , and desserts over the last few weeks . What an unbelievable blessing . I realized how precious these meals are and am going to make it a point to do it for people in the neighborhood who are having a baby , even if a list isn 't circulating . Matt arrives ! If you haven 't checked Matt 's page recently , my brother - in - law Matt has also returned home safely from overseas - - another huge answer to prayer . End of nights arrives ! JB has one more night to go ! I am so relieved ! This is it ! Nights are over . At long last ! And then , only one more rotation to go before he is done with intern year of residency . He 'll be an official second year with an intern under him ( cutting down on his workload considerably ! ) I am so excited by this ! New search engine arrives ! Do you plan to do any searching of the Inernet in the near future . Would you consider using this search engine instead of google : GOODSEARCH . If you enter " America World Adoption " into the supported charity whenever you at Here 's a few photos I took this afternoon of Scrubs and Isaac . I am really trying to take a lot of photos as I know Isaac is changing sooo fast . And here 's a video with two of my three favorite boys ! Off to pick mother - in - law up from the airport ! Yipee ! And , JB only has two more nights to go ! Double yippeeeeee ! ! ! Well , I thought my mother - in - law was coming in today . So did she . But a second look at the ticket , and Wednesday is the actual date of arrival . One more day to wait ! I 'll pick her up tomorrow afternoon instead . In the meantime , life around here is pretty ordinary . JB had a very busy day on call , but it slowed enough for me to go have dinner with him around 8pm last night . Tristan & Shannon brought us Longhorn for dinner , and we ate it with JB 's senior at the hospital . John did manage to secure a few hours of sleep very early this morning which meant , lucky for me , he was wide awake when he got home , and I got to take a 3 . 5 hour nap ! Glorious ! After I woke up , I took Scrubs to the bay . Afternoon is Isaac 's biggest sleepy time . He can go quite a few hours without need for changing or sustenance . I 'm working on convincing him that 4am is a much better time to go quite a few hours , but currently , he doesn 't seem to follow my logic . Speaking of tired , earlier this week I got a video of our tired little boy . You 'll see in the video JB 's fairly pitiful attempts to get Isaac to wake up and finish his meal . No luck there ! He was done for the night and out for the count . I also love this photo of him with his little arm free from his burrito wrap ! In wonderful honor of my awesome , relatively new , and definitely much younger than me friend Joia 's birthday , a link to a video that has nothing to do with her , but for some reason ( and maybe it has to do with blogs she 's posted like this one ) , I have a feeling she would appreciate : http : / / www . telestereo . com / Archivos / video . htmlNote : A bit of background on this video . Several years ago this woman found a sick , malnourished lion cub in the jungle . She took the cub home and fed him and brought him up until he was too big to keep anymore . Then she made arrangements with a zoo in Colombia to take the lion . Here 's a video of what happened when she went to visit him inthe zoo for the first time . The reaction of the lion when he sees her is INCREDIBLE ! I would love to say that our family is doing something to commemorate those who have given their lives for our country on a day like today . We do live on a military base after all ! They had a 4 . 4 " gate - to - gate " run where you could run from the west gate to the east gate . I would have LOVED to do this . However , JB is on nights , and I have recently learned that if you are the " night guy " on a holiday , you get lucky enough to do a 24 - hour call instead of your normal 12 hour night shift . So JB is commemorating by taking care of sick people . The good news is that this will count as one of his holiday call days . The bad news is , well , he 's at the hospital for 24 hours . Bummer . Bummer double - time as we have no company in town so it is just me here all by my lonesome . Well , I take that back . It 's me and my boys . Me and Scrubby and Isaac all by our lonesomes . Saturday night and Sunday night were our first two nights , both home together , with no one here with us since the day before we left to pick up Isaac back on May 6th ! Wow ! At one point we were both sitting by the couch , holding Isaac . Scrubs was at our feet , and he had this look on his face that said , " At last . It 's just me and my family , and you are sitting in one place ! I 'm so exhausted worrying where everyone is all day ! " He still , however , whines by the guest room looking for my Mom or Ebby each morning ! Too cute . Ebby left on Saturday morning , and JB 's mom will not be getting in until Tuesday . The weekend in the middle of two weeks of nights is always difficult for John because he has been on nights , and then it 's the weekend . So when do you sleep ? This time he opted not to nap on Saturday and just go to bed very early and sleep as long as possible . He slept 10 hours , and in return , let me take naps both days ! Hurrah ! This was very much appreciated . The nights with Isaac really go pretty well . He usually feeds around 9 - 10pm , then again around 1 - 2am . I usually get some sleep in between those times . However , once he gets up to feed at approximately 4 : 30am , the day haat It 's been a very active weekend here at my new home . On Saturday , I got to take my last nap with my " Aunt " Ebby before my Mommy had to drive her back to the airport . I heard she has other kids she misses taking naps with ( although they are not as tiny as me ! ) We had such a fun time with " Aunt " Ebby . She fed me and changed me and played with my puppy Scrubs so he wouldn 't be so mischievous . One night , I went with my Mommy to Care Group , and we left Aunt Ebby and Scrubs at home . While Ebby wasn 't looking , Scrubs ate one of my onesies . How funny was that ? Ebby didn 't seem to be laughing so hard . Anyways , while my Mommy took her to the airport , I got to hang out with Daddy and my big puppy Scrubs . Daddy had only had a few hours of sleep , but we had a great time anyways . Today was my first day to go to church . My Daddy and Mommy found something else in my closet that while still a little big , actually fits me ! This was a hand - me - down from my big cousin Nate . Thanks Nate dog ! I looked cool ! I had my parents take the photo from two different angles so you could make sure to see my cute little moccasins that my Mom 's friend Andrea gave me . They are still big , but aren 't they cool ? Church was fun . They announced me from the puplit which was uber - cool . I also sat in the back with Daddy so he could feed me and then went to the cry - room with Mommy . I wasn 't crying , but I was wide awake and talking quite a bit . I also had a pretty bad case of the hick - ups . Mommy had no idea where the cry room was ! She had to get one of the Veteran Moms to show her . Mommy keeps on saying to me , " Can you believe I am your Mommy ! " I wish she would get over it already . Apparently , I am pretty special and impressive to her . After church , my Mommy was very tired so she and I took a nap while Daddy watched a movie , and Scrubs . . . well Scrubs decided it was time to chew his rope ball into smithereens ! Check out the picture of him below . Silly Scrubs ! Unfortunately , for as much rope as you see in the photo , an equal amount often ends up in Scrubby 's belly , at When I first moved here in the summer of 2007 , I knew very few people . In addition , just two weeks after arriving , I would find out that our fourth attempt at invitro fertilization had not worked . I remember when the call came in . JB took it , and the tone of his voice as he thanked the doctor was all I needed to hear . I knelt down on the carpet in my new bedroom and began sobbing as is often the case after that call . But then , by the time I had moved to the bed to lay by JB , the deep , guttural sobs were gone . My heart had done this so many times , it just couldn 't do it anymore . We had not spoken about what we would do if we got another negative , but that night while lying there next to each other , it was obvious . I told John I could not do this again . Not now . We were committed to our remaining embryos , but I just couldn 't bear another series of shots , probing , prodding , poking , crying . He agreed . My solid rock of a husband was cracking as well . He was so tired of supporting me . Of being strong and walking on egg shells and tiptoeing around me when the hormones took over . We were done with infertility treatments for quite some time . We were ready to adopt . Just one year later , I sit at my computer . In the other room , our son Isaac is lying on his Dad 's lap , sound asleep . Our son . My son . I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that I am a parent . I do not know when it will finally sink in . Our friend Ronnie asked me on the phone to , " explain my emotions . " I can 't . I don 't know how . I truly cannot understand or put any of this into words . Every time I take the stroller out of the car , I can 't help but feel like a fraud . I know that sounds so strange , but it is totally the truth . I have tried to write this blog so many times - - to explain the way my heart is so soaring with happiness despite the fact that I still can 't wrap my mind around the fact that we are , in fact , parents . But I haven 't been able to do it . Then , this past week , I received a letter from my friend Jenny . When I moved to Eglin AFB , I had my support sysat With the change in weather comes an increase in flies around our house . Our pup has taken to trapping these in the window sills and then eating them ! Gross ! He also loves when we take out the fly swatter . It 's one of his favorite things . Check out the video of JB and Scrubs on a fly swatting mission . at Want to get a more in depth glimpse into a day in my life ? Well check out the pictures and story below . Yesterday , I took Ebby to lunch at one of my favorite restaurants : The Boathouse Landing . She loved it . We also ran a bunch of errands . Isaac slept the whole time . Here are some pictures from our afternoon jaunt : After lunch , it was time for a nap for both mom and baby : After naptime , it was time to check the mail . We got this adorable towel from Ton & Nancy G . I love this ! Thanks guys ! Nancy 's daughter Kelly ( aka " Steg family " ) gave me an adorable gift last week too ; however , since I want to steal the idea for a gift I can give my friends in the future , I won 't be showing it on the blog ! Here 's a picture of the towel : After mail time , it was time to exhaust Scrubs . My Scrubs has been a very difficult puppy the last few days . He is fantastic with Isaac but just so into everything . If you want to pray for us right now , spend the majority of your time in prayer for Mr . " Schief " ( Instead of Miss . chief we call him Mr . Schief " . ) Ebby went three rounds with him before bed . Can tell from the picture below who won ? This morning at about 6am , Ebby got up and took over for me with pup and baby . Isaac had a little rougher night just being that he woke up to eat more frequently than he has been . And during one point in the evening , Isaac just started stirring a little bit , not totally awake . However , Scrubs was concerned that I wasn 't checking on Isaac and decided to lick me in the face to tell me to get up and check on baby ! Ugh ! Anyways , I think Isaac 's rougher evening was because his first meal of the evening was a little on the small side . I 'll try to rectify that this evening ! When I got up around 8 : 30am , JB was home . He had gotten a few hours of sleep on call so he was able to spent some time with us . Our first job ? Give Mr . Isaac a bath . Today 's bath went much better than the first one . Check it out : After bathtime , it was feedtime . Here are a few snapshots from breakfast : And here 's a video of feedtime as well : Hope you enjat So my sister - in - law already broke in with a post announcing that I have aged even more . Gabbi is so sweet . She is my absolute favorite sister - in - law under 5 ' 5 " ! : ) Oh , wait , Danielle is probably under 5 ' 5 " now too . Shoot . Okay she 's my favorite sister - in - law with two adorable kids ! Anyways , I am now 31 . It 's hard to believe that last year at this time , we were just getting back from Africa . JB was graduating . We were about to go in for IVF transfer # 4 . We were packing up our condo . JB and Ronnie ( Ebby 's husband ) were getting ready to move our stuff halfway across the country . John was getting promoted to captain . What a difference a year makes . It 's been a quiet birthday around here . JB is on nights so there isn 't a lot of time to celebrate . Yesterday he asked me if I wanted to do anything special . I told him that I already got the best birthday present ever on May 7th and that it is okay to let 31 slip by quietly . I did get another one of those Willow Tree people from my awesome husband . I got one on Mother 's Day and one for my birthday . Now don 't start thinking that me , " miss anti - clutter " is starting a collection . I do not collect things . I will always be anti - knick - knacks . But having a couple of them is fun ! Here are the two I have : Willow 1 and Willow 2 . Yesterday , the wifia surprised me with a card and . . . folks , probably the best gift of all . Joia made her infamous ice cream sandwich cake for me . I LOVE THIS CAKE ! I had asked her after she made it the first time if she could decorate one ( thinking ahead to Isaac 's first birthday ! ) She jumped ahead and tried it and it looks awesome as you can tell from the photos ! I am excited because I have another piece in the freezer waiting for me to eat it today sometime . YUM ! Joia posted some more pictures on her blog yesterday . You can see those by clicking here . In other news , Isaac had his 2 week appointment today . He doesn 't mind the doctor at all except when he has to get naked . This kid does not like to be cold and tells you so emphatically . He is doing great at Hi all , it 's Gabbi , Wendi 's sister - in - law ( I 'm married to John 's brother , Ray ) , in case you didn 't already know that . Anyway , I 'm blog - jacking Wendi 's blog to give her a special shout out on her birthday . So , HAPPY BIRTHDAY WENDI ! ! We love you ! ! ! Enjoy your day with your new little addition ! Wendi had told me earlier that I should do a grandma blog but not to stress about it . My heart is so full , it 's hard to put all my feelings in writing . I 've watched Wendi and JB handle their challenges with such pride and awe . Wen was real with her pain but never got bitter . We didn 't hear as much from John but I know he was a huge part in keeping Wendi centered and balanced . Now having spent a week with them and watching them again come together in figuring things out has been so awesome to watch . They are a team - - a united front . I am proud of the people they have become . Wendi used to say it bothered her that George and I might not be grandparents . To be honest , it didn 't seem like a huge deal to me . I hated to see the pain and struggles they were going thru but it didn 't make them seem less because they didn 't have kids . I have enjoyed being a friend with my daughter . What a cool woman she has become . ( I love JB too . He is so patient with Wendi and her family and of course we love his cooking among other things . ) When this little dude named Isaac came into our arms , everything changed . I didn 't know you could love a little creature so much . I remember holding Wendi when she was a baby and didn 't think I could ever love another child so much and then I had Keith and loved him so much . I didn 't realize I had that many emotions all wrapped up inside . To see the picture of little Isaac in George 's arms and to see the love in George 's eyes and to hear him pray over and " bless " Isaac is something will always hold a special place in my heart . To hold this little boy and have him look in my eyes when I fed him a bottle is indescribable . To pick him up after he was crying hard after a diaper change and to feel him calm and snuggle into me was so special . To look at him and sing " You are so beautiful to me " ( when no one else was around ) and have him study my face and even smile ( and know it wasn 't gas or laughing at my singing ) was such a neat memory . I love my sleep but so enjoyed the couple of nights I got to have the nigat My mom is gone , but Ebby is here ! The pick - up and drop off at the airport yesterday went seamlessly , and Ebby and I returned to base to meet Brittney who had brought uf an amazing dinner from first course to dessert ! We have four dinners scheduled this week and three next week . What a blessing ! Today , my friend Sarah hosted a " meet baby Isaac " at her house a few doors down from me . What a great idea ! Joia , as always , came through for me by taking some photos . Here are a few snapshots from the party : Me with Isaac . That is Brittney behind me and her adorable daughter Jocelyn ( aka " Scrubs maniac " in the background ) My neighbor Pam holding Isaac Jodi with Brittney This was not merely a party for adults - - it was time to party for the kids too ! Some of the visitors My neighbor Jamie holding our little boy who was quite alert for most of the party ( Isaac I mean , not Jamie . . . although Jamie was alert too . . . never mind ) More snapshots . That 's Sarah 's daughter Della front and center . She 's such a little lady . And don 't you love that hair ! This little onesie says " Too little NOT to slam dunk " . It 's a bit big , but it does the trick . I think this is a hand - me - down from Cousin Nate . Is that right Gabbi ? As for us , JB did his first night of his two week rotation last night . It is a lot better with Ebby here , but man , nights still stink . I picked JB up around 8am . He had not slept a week since 6am the previous morning and was operating on fumes . He had also had quite a few " emergencies " during the night both with a newborn and a heart attack , but he said everything went well . He hung out with us for about 1 hour before turning in . Around 2pm he got up unable to sleep and just wandered back to bed at 3pm . He 'll have to be back in at 6pm ! Not only is it a bummer having him " home " but not " home " but we have to be extra quiet with baby and dog to try to allow him to sleep . The good news is that he has just nine more nights left ! More good news is that my mother - in - law is coming in next week to keep me company during the second week oat Isaac 's little belly button " thingy " finally fell off which meant no more sponge baths ! Time for submersion ! Okay , well not submersion , but time to get out that little bathtub Uncle Ray and Aunt Gabbi gave us and take a dip . You 'll have to excuse my appearance . This is after a morning run with Scrubs . JB starts nights this evening so he had the morning off to hang out with us and his yard ! I took advantage and decided to take Scrubs on his first run since we 've been home . He 's had walks and playtime with Deuce and his Frisbee and in the water at the bay . But no run until today . Here is Isaac before his adventure began : And here is a video of the adventure . I 'm sure Isaac will be ecstatic I put this up here when he is sixteen . But you know , this blog has followed our lives in detail through every IVF procedure we did . Why not show a first bath ? ! My mom is filming , while JB bathes , and I try to soothe . Isaac was not a fan of the bathtub , whatsoever , as will become quickly evident if you watch . Turn down your volume folks - - this boy has lungs . You 'll also see how much Scrubs has adjusted to his crying . If Scrubs knows we are with Isaac , he doesn 't budge . However , if Scrubs feels we aren 't paying attention to the crying , he quickly alerts us to pay attention . I think he 's getting that Isaac is a part of our pack quickly . Here are some pictures after the bath . As soon as he was out and dry , he quickly calmed downFirst baths are happy times . What is not a happy time is that my mother is going back to Ft . Lauderdale today . It has been so wonderful having her here . She has been so amazingly helpful - - not only with Scrubs and Isaac - - but around the house as well . Folks , she makes my bed ! A bed I never make . ( JB laid down the law early in our marriage , calculating all the time we waste in our lifetime taking and putting pillows on and off the bed . A few years ago , I finally completely gave in , and we only make the bed when company is coming over . Scrubs solidified that . Having pillows strewn about the room for him to chompat Well , as promised , here are some photos from Isaac 's first night " out on the town . " . He spent most of the night as pictured below . This is a hat from Philip & Joia . It has a cute little outfit that goes with it , but the outfit is way too big . The hat , however , fits perfect . We call him our little " sandman " in this hat . We went to a sushi place in Destin Commons where my mom and I could get some " real " food while JB got his temporary fill of sushi . I have tasted sushi once and will never enter that dark part of my life again . My mother , however , is an adventurous eater and gave it a try . She did like it but stuck to her curry for the long haul . Here is Isaac and me at dinner . This was a rare moment when he actually decided to open his eyes : And here is Isaac after his long night of partying . He 's a bit tuckered out from all that sleeping ! Here 's a photo of JB and me today . John said he wanted to wait one more week before bringing Isaac to church so we spent a restful day at home . I ran to the grocery store to get some stuff for JB to make french toast for breakfast and Indian for dinner . Today is another special day . Today is Scrubs ' one year birthday . Now I am not into celebrating birthdays of pets ( or keeping their teeth as one man at the dog park told me he did - - blah ! ) If you do these things , it 's okay , I just have to draw the line in my pet obsession at some point , and keeping puppy teeth is my line . Scrubs ' only birthday request was that I mention him on the blog . So that 's what I am doing . : ) My mom and I plan to take Scrubs to the bay to swim at some point today too - - one of his " favorite things . " ( Other favorites include eating peanut butter , chasing the flashlight , sniffing , eating , getting his belly scratched , stealing , and stretching . ) We thought we would have gone already , but quite honestly , our dog has slept half his birthday away . We think that all the days of excitement finally caught up to him . In recognition of Scrubs ' birthday , here 's a flashback to his early days in our family . Here 's a video at Today was the day . Today was the day that Scrubs ' backyard got grass ! JB started at the crack of dawn to make sure that he had plenty of time to complete the grass in one day . He was also incredibly blessed when our neighbor , Bobbie , and two of her kids , came over to help him ! He said that they cut significant time off of his day ( and kept him company as well . ) Here 's the finished product : While JB worked on the yard , I took Scrubs ' to the dog park while my Mom hung out with , what I later found out , was a very wide awake Isaac . ( A rarity ! ) After I got home from the park , JB got done with the sod , and Isaac got done playing with my mom , all three of my " men " decided it was time to take a nap . You can 't really see Isaac that well in his pack - n - play , but you get the idea ! ( He 's the tiny blob of blue . ) And a close up of man and dog : Tonight , we plan to get out of the house with Isaac for the first time since bringing him home . We are going to go to Destin Commons to get JB some sushi and just walk around a bit and also stop at the Pet Store to get Scrubs a few new toys . This dog tears his toys up quickly . Even the toys that say " Battle Tested " must have been tested by a poodle not a seventy pound Dalmatian . Last night he ripped the end off a rubber toy he has had since he was a puppy . When JB said I should take it from him and give him something else , I asked him what I could give the dog ! No toy was safe . We all had a good laugh when JB suggested a rock . ( And yet somewhere deep down , we all knew the rock probably didn 't stand a chance against Scrubs either ! ) At least he doesn 't tear up the house . He does a good job sticking to his own box of toys . I 'll be sure to take some photos tonight from Isaac 's very first night on the town . We are debating about taking him to church tomorrow or waiting one more week . So those of you reading from Crossway , we will see you soon , don 't worry ! Faith . Family . Farming . Any questions ? P . S . If you 'd like to read the " infertility only " section of my blog , please click here . This allows you to utilize my infertility resources without all the parenting stuff ! |
Hmm . Well in real life the letters don 't go off the page , and FLY isn 't crooked . Scanners are so weird . Anyway . . . today I went to a friend 's house . A lady in our ward , who every single Wednesday has anybody come over to work on whatever they want while the kids play . Some were knitting , some making cards , some not doing anything at all , and me . . . scrapping . Or at least adhering a photo collage to a piece of cardstock and doing a rub on title . I didn 't bring much to work on . Plus I didn 't bring my stash of embellishments . Just rub ons . So I put this together . I know these photos have now been on my blog 3 times . Once from Matthew 's birthday , once when I learned how to do a photo collage , and now in layout form . But hey , another piece of paper that is off the top of my desk and into an album . Right now I seem to be more about getting some of these ' event ' layouts done . I don 't scrap in order , but my kids look through my albums A LOT and their favorite pages are the events that they remember doing . So I 'm kind of scrapping heavy on those right now . The best part of today is that Matthew had a blast ! His friend from preschool was there , and I honestly didn 't hear from him for 4 hours . The backyard is like a toddler haven complete with treehouse / swingset , sunken trampoline , sand box , and various ride on toys . AND I got to have some adult conversations during daylight hours ! Yay ! Can I just tell you how much I love my calling at church ? I don 't think I ever came right out and said anything on my blog , but some of you know that I am an activity days leader . Pretty much every other week I get to play and have fun with 16 8 - 11 year old girls . I was paired up with a woman who is the - be all end all - of planning . Seriously , this lady was the Daisy leader when Megan was in Daisy Scouts . She is amazing . Like today . We went to the church family history center next door to the Mesa temple . The girls all started out kind of quiet like they didn 't think it would be fun at all . I mean they just all got out of school , so how fun does it sound to go to some old library , right ? A few minutes for a talk about what the center is about , and then they were all allowed to go search on the computer for some of their ancestors . Most of the girls were able to find somebody , and they just thought that was the COOLEST thing ever . I wish we would have had more time , because as we were getting close to needing to leave , they were all wanting to look up birth certificates and marriage certificates for their great great grandparents . It really is fascinating stuff , and I wish I knew more about finding information . My mother in law used to work there , so she is an expert . It was confusing for me and the little bit of information we found , so I bet once you know what to do you can find even more incredible information . Like how a person died from the death certificate . Just amazing . So then we headed home , a caravan of three MAVs ( Mormon assault vehicles ) my car full of girls , windows down and singing along with the Hanna Montana CD . : ) I believe I am officially ' scrapped out ' for the week . I have had the sea world photo collage sitting on my desk for such a long time . It feels good to have it on a page and put away finally . Look at how little those kids are ! : ) I have been enjoying using a lot of the baby pictures that I found . I don 't really feel like I need to ' keep up ' with my scrapping , but when you get some done from so long ago I do get that sense of pride and accomplishment that Megan pointed out the other day ! LOL ! Does that mean I win ? I think you can read the journaling if you click on the picture of the layout . Unless you like to squint . ; ) The one of Megan in the bathtub ( yes that 's my 8 year old ! ) is a somewhat lift of the awesome Joanna Bolick . By the time I finished the others I wanted a no brainer scraplift . Psst . Michelle . Notice that I used the Heidi Swapp journaling blocks ! I use the manilla ledger ones all the time , who would have thought those cute pink ones would bring me so much happiness ! So now my brain hurts . It might be time to focus on painting walls upstairs for a few days now . Maybe she is practicing for the teenage years or something . Last night I asked the boys to pick up a pile of hot wheels and put them back in the bucket that they belong in . Of course there was a chorus of " Uuuuugh " complete with pouty faces and slumped shoulders . OK , if I make it FUN they 'll want to do it right ? " Let 's see who can pick up the most hot wheels ! ! ! Woohoo ! " - and they quickly start running around picking them up tossing them in the bucket . When the frenzy is over , Trevor asks , " So what do we win for picking up the most hot wheels ? ? ? What is the prize ? ! ? ! ? " Megan , who has been sitting on the couch watching the whole thing pipes up with dripping sarcasm , " A sense of PRIDE and accomplishment . " ( like . . . duh ! ) One that I have been working on during the day today . - While the little ones were watching a bit of TV . Trevor had this huge , swollen spot on his forehead . One of many bumps , bruises and scrapes and I 'm sure there will be a million more to come . Hopefully no broken bones though . ; ) Here is the journaling : " Trevor . . . meet pole . " It happens at least once a week . I pick Trevor up from school and there is a new band - aid somewhere on him . I 'm beginning to wonder if he just likes to hang out in the nurse 's office or if this is something totally normal in the life of having boys . Boys play hard . I asked Trevor why he was sporting the cool neon band - aid on his face . Like it was a badge of courage his reply was simply ( like it was no big deal ) " I was playing tag and I ran into a pole on the playground . " Ouch . - and a bit of Basic Grey for my girls Lisa and Beth . ; ) A couple of days ago I found a box with a bunch of APS canisters . I knew these were from around the time when I was pregnant with Megan , and when Trevor was a baby . I had a few of the original photos , but thought that most of them were lost forever . Can I just say how much Costco has changed my life ? ? ? I took the APS film to have them put on to disk . Now I have them digitally in my computer , where I can fix some things on the photos AND reprint them when I want ! Woohoo ! So now I have a whole slew of baby photos to work on . Maybe someday soon I 'll actually have my baby albums done . Matthew was lucky enough to be born during the digital camera age , so there are a TON of pictures of him as a baby . Poor Megan and Trevor , I tried to take a lot of pictures on the old film cameras , and I did get a lot . . . but so many were missed because I didn 't know if I had captured what I wanted to . I 'm trying to keep my baby layouts super simple , since you know , they are baby layouts . I always like simple baby layouts . These are a couple of my favorite pictures of Trevor when he was a baby . It is hard to look at these and realize that he is the six year old that I just dropped off at school this morning ! He still has those big , wide eyes . : ) I think I mentioned these two on valentine 's day . My friend Jayme was laughing the other day when she was over and watching these two play together . Missy and Isis . I figured I should write a little something about them , because really they do make me laugh every single day . Missy seemed a little sad for the couple of years that her dog friend Dixie ( our beagle ) had been gone . She was old and having health problems and had to be put to sleep . Missy , Dixie and Katie had grown up together since puppyhood . Enter : The cat . I don 't even know what it was that made me change my mind . I never liked cats . I had severe allergies to them when I was little , and even though it got ' better ' as I grew up , I still got really itchy and sneezy around them . Better meaning that I didn 't poof up and have a hard time breathing . I started to notice within the past few years that I could stand being at a house with cats in it . Maybe this allergy was getting better . So we did it . We got a cat . Can I just say now that cats are awesome ? They really are funky animals , and totally hysterical . We even added another one : Charlie Alpha Tango = CAT . We just call her Charlie . Charlie fetches , and meows when you even look at her . ( She lives upstairs , since her and Isis don 't get along at all . ) Anyway . . . I think Missy has found a new best friend . Isis . They are inseparable . They nap together , and play together . Isis will go up to Missy when she wants to play and chew on her tail , or rub up against her face and then leap back like , " OK , come chase me ! " Missy , will chase her , and even put the cats head in her mouth and make noises like she is attacking her . To somebody who doesn 't know that they are playing , you would think that they were killing each other . The only time they get annoying is when you happen to be in the middle of the chase . I swear I have almost been knocked down by these two when they go running across the house or down a hall that I happen to be in at the same time . Who would have thought that Missy the tough pig herding dog wouldPosted by In honor of Beth 's post that was in honor of my post about couches . . . Haha ! It is funny that they don 't look as enormous in the pictures as they really are . Even the delivery dudes said , " I didn 't know they made couches this big ! " That leather recliner in the corner used to dwarf our other couches . - Or the recliner that I lovingly refer to as " Fraiser 's dad 's chair . " Although this one isn 't ugly or held together with duct tape . I don 't know what a recliner ever did to me in the past , but I used to love on Fraiser how he hated his dad 's chair . We would have gotten along just fine . I promised Mike that he could have his chair when we got our house someday . He never forgot . Actually I do know . . . the recliner just throws a kink in my " must have everything line up " including furniture OCDness . BUT . I am learning to live with it , and actually do sneak sitting in it on the nights that mike is out of town . Shhhh ! I am so happy that these are HERE . I love them . These are finally ones that weren 't handed down or bought in a pinch . I picked these out , I thought about them before hand and counted down the days until delivery , just like having a baby . PLUS . . . my scrap girls are coming over tonight ! Which pretty much means that not much scrapping will be going on but more than likely eating a lot of sugary foods and holding Maddy 's new baby girl Sadie . Who is finally making an appearance tonight ! I get first dibs on holding ! Posted by I went out this morning to kill some time while my youngest was in preschool . Guess where I went ? Target . Are you all that surprised ? I found the CUTEST acrylic cups with hearts on them . OK , actually I knew the cups were there , I was just hoping that they would still be there since the valentine 's stuff went on clearance for 50 % off today . I have no idea why , but the acrylic cups that they put out for each holiday make me so happy . They feel good in your hand and I even swear that they make drinks taste better ! Even water . : pI love Craigslist . OK , not as much as Michelle even though she claims to not spend the same amount of time there anymore . I have to admit that that girl has found some AWESOME stuff from there . I have no idea how she does it , but the stuff that she has found has made her house look gorgeous . I love it though because anytime you get a wild hair you can pretty much sell anything on it . Last night Mike mentioned that our couches are coming today , so we better get rid of the old ones . He put an ad up and I am not kidding those suckers were gone in a half hour . Now my family room is bare until this afternoon ! Couch day ! Tonight I am going to bond with them , as I eat popcorn while watching people starve on Survivor , and drink out of my new heart cups . Life is so dang good . : ) happy valentines day ! I think even the dog and the cat are into it this year . This silly cat adores the dog . Follows her around , plays with her and right now is snuggled up next to her in a sunny patch out in the atrium . AND Mike is actually home for the night ! It has been a rough couple of weeks . He leaves before 6 : 00 in the morning and sometimes doesn 't get back until 10 or 11 at night . So tonight was a nice surprise . So were the roses that he brought for me , and this vase of little pink carnations for megan . She had the cutest smile on her face and was SO happy to get flowers from her daddy . She has really been having a hard time with his new hours . Really missing him . He gives her flowers every year for Valentine 's day too . ( The boys get taken care of too , they just aren 't as sentimental . ) Oh , and have I mentioned that my new couches come tomorrow ? ! ? ! ? ! Wheeee ! Happy valentines day to all ! XOXOXOXOXOXOXO ! Because * sometimes * you just want to sit down and watch an episode of CSI all to yourself , and not have to share ! ! ! ! This was a note that I found last week at the end of the stairs . Usually we watch something all together , like American Idol or something kid friendly , and have popcorn . This night the kids were in bed , it was late , and I had the munchies . Yeah , even during some graphic , bloody crime scene . . . popcorn hits the spot ! My dog was in need of a bath . Big time . The thing is , she is not fun to give a bath to because she sheds SO badly after a bath that trying to catch the hair before it goes down the drain is a job for one other person . It has been too cold to give her a bath in the yard with the hose , and the mobile grooming people that we called last week never returned our call . So . . . the other day I was in the car with Megan and Trevor . I had seen this car wash a thousand times when I passed it , and even ' thought ' I had seen a sign that said SELF SERVICE PET WASH . Huh ? Could that be right ? I turned in . I had to check this out . Sure enough , along side the stalls to wash your car , are two stalls with a huge stainless steel sink and a ramp . A menu of shampoo / conditioning / flea & tick rinse , etc . Plus a " soothing " dryer to dry your pet . If you call hurricane force winds coming out of a vacuum hose ' soothing ' to an animal I suppose . It gets the water out of their hair like those fan dryers at a car wash ! Pretty cool ! So that was our big time family fun today . Take the dog to the self service pet wash . I 'm not so sure that Missy had as much fun as the kids did , and yes , I had fun getting pictures of the whole ordeal . I highly recommend this for family home evening . ; ) And who knows . . . . maybe next week it will be the cats turn ! ! ! ( just kidding , for the animal rights people . ) ; ) I 'm sitting here waiting for Matthew to get dressed . Mike and Matthew got home after midnight last night . Matthew was hard asleep when he pulled into the garage last night . He woke up and gave me a funny look like he didn 't know where I came from ! He was so tired , and he went upstairs to go to bed . This morning I have been hearing about all of the fun that he had at Disneyland with his daddy the past couple of days . It sounds like they had a great time . I plan on having some pictures printed for him later today , and I 'll put them in a small book . I did this after we went on Thomas , and he spent hours looking through the pictures . I am craving a diet pepsi like crazy right now . Yes , this Coca Cola girl has since moved on . I needed to make a change . My body just can 't take the sugary regular soda like it used to . So I am taking steps , small that they are . . . . to better drinking health . I started drinking diet soda . ( Lots of water too , but lets face it . . . . water isn 't always that exciting . ) Believe it or not , diet pepsi tastes so much better than diet coke . It makes me kind of sad to not frequent McDonalds as much as I used to . I have noticed that now when I order something for the kids that the guy who used to work the register at the first window is now gone . Now you order and they take your money at the second window where you get your food ! Do you think that because of my $ 4 a day habit being gone that they had to let an employee go ? ! ? ! ? ! ? ; ) I 'm sure I was a big chunk of his weekly paycheck . Off to the grocery store with my little guy . It is so good to have him back home ! ! ! ! ! I finished up my valentines that I started late last night . The little boy that I was watching today took a nap and let me do a little bit of scrapping . It always feels strange to me to scrap during daylight hours . This is usually a nightime thing . ; ) Mike is also on his way home , so I am excited about that . He had been in California with Matthew since Sunday afternoon . They went to Disneyland ! When Megan and Trevor turned four , he took each one to Disneyland . Just a special trip with each child and daddy . I love how the other two still talk about going there with him , so I can 't wait to hear what matthew has to tell me later today ! Infact , Megan and Trevor were both so good about not being upset about them not going . Trevor didn 't say anything at all , and Megan said , " I know I had a special time with daddy , so it is Matthew 's turn . " Such a big girl . Truth is . . . if it were me and I was 8 years old , I would be incredibly bummed ! We have all had such a good time the past several days . I got to spend a lot of time with M & T that I don 't ususally get to spend with them since Matthew tends to monopolize my time . I really enjoyed being able to reconnect with these guys . You know what ? I have cool kids . I just love them so much . 9 more days until new couches ! Posted by I don 't know if it is the bike riding , or the painting . Which requires some moves on top of a ladder similar to ones I have seen in Cirque du Soleil . All I know is that I must be getting to dang old for this . I absolutely cannot feel my butt or my legs today . Walking hurts . Sitting hurts . On a good note though , another room painted and Matthew will get to see it tomorrow . Have I ever mentioned how much I love Target ? I went there today for underwear and tape . I was happy to come across a couple of aisles of clearance bedding ! ! Woohoo ! I had an idea in the back of my mind of what I wanted to do for Matthew 's bed . It was a yellowish quilt from the surfer guy collection . No luck finding that , but I did find a really cool Woolrich faux suede down comforter . 50 % off . Yesssss ! It is the same color as the surfer boy quilt , but this has the softest microfiber side . - and yes , I checked , and rechecked . . . . it is machine washable ! Perfect for a little boy . Then I got some cool khaki pillows little pockets in them . I also stopped by Devine Memories today and die cut some things for Megan and I to make Valentines for her class party . I 'm hoping that we get started on them tonight before I totally procrastinate and we are doing them at midnight the day before VD ! I like to think I 'm on the ball - occasionally . ; ) Can I just say that this was a great weekend ? ? On Saturday we went out in the front of our house to ride bikes and scooters . Trevor for some reason hated riding his bike after the first time he learned how . He had a bad fall and was convinced that he wasn 't going to ride it again until he was a teenager . After a little crying and coaxing , he finally got on it yesterday . Now of course , he LOVES it . ( The first thing out of him this morning was asking when we were going to go for a bike ride . ) Then yesterday I finished painting Trevor 's room ( pictures soon to follow , but blogger isn 't letting me post them for some reason . ) We got his curtains hung and moved his video game stuff into its own ' gaming center . ' Last night when he went to bed he told me how cool he thought his room was ! That felt good , and I have to admit that I like hanging out in there now too . Today Mike and Matthew went off to a super secret place . ( I know where , but I 'll reveal tomorrow . ) So I had Megan and Trevor by myself . We went out for lunch and then did a little shopping . I kind of kept hoping that Trevor would forget about bike riding , but then I realized that I didn 't have Matthew with me ! So I could actually go on a bike ride past the front of our house ! We took off on a 4 mile trip , over to a park where we played for a little bit and then rode our bikes back home . This made me realize how I can 't wait until Matthew can ride his bike and we can do this more often . It felt soooooo good to be outside . Tonight I am going to finish painting Matthew 's room , so when he gets home tomorrow he 'll be surprised that his room is done . Kind of like extreme kid room makeover . He isn 't expecting it at all . Plus I plan on going to a pilot shop tomorrow and getting this really cool plane to hang from his ceiling . It just feels SO good to have had such a nice weekend , and to have been able to have spent some really good time with the kids . : ) I admit that sometimes we get so busy on the weekends that hours can go by with them doing nothing but watching TV or playPosted by Shocker ! U2 has temporarilly been ejected from my CD player in the car . I have been listening to Chris Daughtry that Mike downloaded for me the other day . ( Thanks Mike ! ) I still think Chris was robbed . Then again it isn 't like he is suffering without having the American Idol title . ; ) Also in heavy rotation right now is Green Day , which was sparked by the U2 / Green Day song The Saints . I heard it at Chili 's the other day ( of all places ) and came home and directly put it in the CD player at home . I forgot how awesome that song is . I wish they would do a whole album together ! Mmmm . I 'm not dissing my boys , they are just getting a little break . ; ) |
About a year ago , I saw the saddest sight I have ever seen so far in my life . I talk about it a little more in depth here , but it was the sight of a friend carrying his son 's casket down the aisle at church , all by himself , tears running down his cheeks , as he carried him outside to the waiting car . My heart broke for this dad and this family , who was now facing life without their precious son . Every painful year , day , minute , and even second , they would feel the loss of this little person who had filled their lives with love and joy . But , the family said , we know we will see him again . Because of Christ , we know that he will live again . My heart went out to this father , who was so dignified , so compassionate , and yet , at times , the pain would overwhelm his features as he spoke of his little boy . I still get tears in my eyes when I think about his parting words to Morgan about his son . As his face filled with anguish , the dad said : " I will never have him again . " I can 't even write these words without crying - - the saddest words I believe I have ever heard . I will never have him again . I cannot imagine the pain of believing that your child is lost to you . I thought about this phrase all night long , wishing I could tell this father that he will see his son again . That , though his body is dead , his spirit lives . That , though he is lost to him now , Christ came that lost things may be found again . Every lost thing . I have a favorite conference talk that I share with people often . I carry a copy of it around with me , and I 've had the opportunity to hand it out several times to people who are struggling with the the loss of a loved one and share with them the most hopeful words I 've ever heard . Here 's the link if you want to read it in full , but I am going to include my favorite passage from it . Not only is it appropriate for what has happened in Newtown and for anyone who is struggling right now through unimaginable trials , but also for Christmas , when we remember the Light of the World and the great gift He gave us . And if you 're thinking : Kaylee , this post is too serious and too long and I 'm going to skip this quote . . . I get that . I know I 've had a series of kind of heavy posts , and it won 't always be this way over here , but sometimes life gets serious . And sometimes we need a reminder of hope . Those evil men who sought His life rejoiced . Now that Jesus was no more , surely those who followed Him would disperse . On that day they stood triumphant . On that Friday the Apostles were devastated . Jesus , their Savior - the man who had walked on water and raised the dead - was Himself at the mercy of wicked men . They watched helplessly as He was overcome by His enemies . Each of us will have our own Fridays - those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces . We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again . We will all have our Fridays . No matter our desperation , no matter our grief , Sunday will come . In this life or the next , Sunday will come . " - - Elder Joseph B . Wirthlin If you are a follower of my blog , it is no secret that I am a huge fan of The Bachelor ( Go Sean ! ) and I think that 's what I loved about this book . It was a unique take on the idea of The Bachelor - - with a prince as the prize . The whole book was just pure fun . I picked this one up by accident , thinking it was a different book I 'd heard a lot about , and ended up LOVING it . Once I started reading it , I could not put it down . So exciting and a love triangle that actually kept me guessing to the end . I loved Fire and I loved Graceling , so I couldn 't wait to read Bitterblue , and for me , it didn 't disappoint . I thought that Bitterblue was a great character , and I really felt for her . In fact , I thought this book was so good , that when I put it down , I wanted to pick up another fantasy , and I 'm normally not a huge fan of fantasy . Hands - down , the best contemporary I read this year . I recommend it to everyone . It 's wickedly funny . How John Green can take a book about two kids with terminal cancer who fall in love , and then make me laugh so hard throughout it , I don 't know . But it was awesome . And poignant . And heartwrenchingly beautiful . Yummy . I gained about five pounds just reading this book . . . It was a great story with the perfect amount of emotion and love and everything else that makes YA my favorite books to read . I 've dragged my heels on reading this one for some reason . I don 't know why . Maybe because of all the hype . Or maybe I 'm suspicious of books that have a ton of really high ratings . And for some reason , I was under the impression that " slammed " meant something completely different ( despite the cover , I 'm clueless , yes . ) But curiosity got the best of me , so I read it . Tonight . I finished it about ten minutes ago . And I loved it . So good . So worth the high ratings . It may not officially be a " family drama " , but hey , there was a lot of drama in Will and Layken 's families , so this is where it goes in my list . When I was about four months pregnant , I learned there was a good chance that my son would have Down Syndrome . I worried about his health . I worried about his growth . I worried about how he 'd make friends , if people would make fun of him or understand if he did strange things . I met many moms of kids with Down Syndrome while I was pregnant , and they assured me that their kids did well at school , had friends , and were well - liked for the most part . When I was growing up , all of the special needs kids were in a different classroom , clear on the other side of school . Our class would visit them once or twice a year , but I was always very uncomfortable and didn 't know what to do or say around them , so I mostly stayed quiet and helped where I was told to help . I never reached out and tried to befriend any of them on my own . I didn 't know how , to be honest . Now , the special needs kids are mainstreamed into the regular classroom , so my son is in the main class over 50 % of his day . The result of this is that most of the kids are used to Spencer 's random loud noises , the fact that he doesn 't talk much ( all of about ten words ) , that he sucks on his hands when his stomach hurts or if he 's cold , he doesn 't understand " personal space . " They also know he loves to give hi - fives and knuckles , that he loves to laugh ( and they do silly things to make his laugh , ) and that he loves to say " hello . " It was Spencer 's turn to figure out who had the button . His adult helper watched really closely and figured out who had it , and pointed at the kid . Spencer pointed to the same kid and made some noise to indicate that he was the person who had the button . When they realized he 'd guessed right , the kids all started clapping and cheering and yelling , " Good job , Spencer ! You found it , Spencer ! " Then they were holding up their hands so he could run around and give high - fives to them . He had a huge smile on his face and was so happy with the praise and attention from everyone . I so wish I could have seen it , but I had several people tell me about it after church - - including one of the kids who had been in the room with everyone . These kids are so accepting of Spencer and his differences , and not only that , but they rejoice in his small successes and milestones . They made him so happy that morning , and for that , I am so grateful . Someone said something really wise to me a little while back . He was telling my husband and I about how his son broke his arm in two places while attempting to do a 360 spin off the monkey bars and onto the slide . After two ER visits and a surgery , the boy was fine and ready to be playing again - - but his mom and dad were still a little shaken up . Everything had turned out okay - - but it might not have . A friend of mine lost her son in an accident last year around Thanksgiving . His name was Chase . I think of Chase almost every day . His death was a defining moment for me . At the funeral , my friend said , " We don 't regret one moment we had with Chase . We loved him and spent his whole life showing him that . " It made me think about my kids and how I was spending my time . If they were to die suddenly , could I say that I had no regrets ? Had I done the best I could ? Did they know how much they were loved ? A lot of defining moments are things that we have no control over . These families couldn 't control what happened to their children or the outcome of these accidents . I think we find out who we are , what we 're made of , and what we really believe in the wake of these moments and in the years that follow . When I think about who I am at the core - - I know a lot of those come from moments where I 've had to make a decision that could change everything , or moments when something has happened and I have to choose how to react . Moments that other people may move forward from , but I 'll never forget . These have been defining moments for me . 1 ) I have an extremely supportive husband . He takes the kids out of the house at least once a week on his day off so that I can get some quiet writing time in . He helps clean , wash dishes , fold laundry , give meds , so that I can have more time to write in the evenings , and he is always encouraging me to go write . 2 ) I 've had to give up some of my favorite primetime tv shows . One of the best times for me to write is in the evening after my kids go to bed . My husband has basketball in the evenings , or scout meetings ( he 's a unit or district commissioner or something like that . Don 't ask me . The scout stuff is gibberish to me . All I know is that he as meetings that he 's in charge of and he wears a uniform ) , so he 's gone a lot and I have a quiet house all to myself . I 'm usually exhausted by the end of the day , but I force myself to pull out my laptop , and after a few minutes of trudging through , I always get in the groove . 3 ) I put my three - year - old in preschool twice a week and I put the baby down for a nap , and I get almost three hours of writing time on those days . This is my sacred writing time . I won 't even answer the phone on Tuesdays and Thursdays between 8 and 11am . People can leave a message . That 's my 100 % - never - fail writing time and I LOVE it . 5 ) It takes self - disciple . When I do get those bits of time , I force myself to sit and the computer and write something . It can be a blog post or part of my outline , or story ideas , or the next scene in my wip . But if my fingers are moving over the keyboard ( and not because I 'm on Facebook or my email ) then I 'm good . We are just BUSY . It 's a lot of work to write and keep up a personal blog ( and take care of a family and work and help out in the community ) and also add one more thing . And we can 't do the blog justice when we all have so many other things on our plates . Jolene Perry and Nyrae Dawn came up with the idea for this blog about a year and a half ago and invited a few of us to join them in it . These two ladies are some of most ambitious , talented people I know . It 's been great for me to get to know everyone and see their insights on the blog . Just one - - from one of those stupid speeding cameras . I was on my way to get a Christmas present for my husband a few years ago - - and speeding to get to the store in time to get the great deal . A $ 225 speeding ticket later . . . ( BTW , everyone told me not to pay it . All that got me was a visit from the police and a $ 25 fine in addition to the ticket I had to pay before my court date . Nothing says Merry Christmas like a court date . ) 2 . Can you pitch a tent ? Yes . Kind of . I pitched on in our living room a few months ago so me and the kids could go indoor camping . When my husband got home , he informed me that it was a " creative " way to set up a tent . We went to Mission Bay in San Diego and rode these bicycle - things on the water for hours . I didn 't wear sun screen ( Rule # 1 for redheads : ALWAYS wear sunscreen . ) When we got done , I was so sunburned , I couldn 't even wear pants . And it was my fourteenth birthday . I spent the whole drive home , moaning and complaining in the back of the car . Come to think of it , it was probably my parent 's worst vacation , too . 7 . Fill in the blank : Oh my gosh ! Becky , look at her butt ! It is so big . She looks like a . . . Drawing blanks here . Ummm . . . I feel kind of bad for Becky and her bootilicious butt . . . so pass . A 2001 Daewo . Never heard of them ? That 's probably a good thing . Everything that could break , broke on that car . Including the driver 's door . It fell off one day - - while I was driving . On the freeway . I make sure they 're okay first , then laugh . Except , my husband fell of the bed a few weeks ago while he was trying to reach something , took down the rolling chair , broke his open night table drawer with his head , and hit so hard that he had a huge bump behind his ear . I was laughing so hard I couldn 't even breathe . Just last night , I did a reenactment of it for him . I 'm a good wife like that . When I 'm writing a book , I get deep into it . I try to spend all of my writing time on my book . I get so little of it , that I have to prioritize it - - and writing my next book is always my number one priority . Right now I 'm editing a wip that 's taken me about a year and a half to finish . And I 'll probably spend the next month on intense edits and rewrites . I cannot wait to get this story out to my beta readers and get some feedback . This is one of my favorite parts of writing . I 've talked before how I feel like I can do a lot of the real " art " of writing when I 'm editing . It 's just so satisfying . My story in All I Want is called Six Days of Christmas . It 's a little over 100 pages and it was a ton of fun to write . I 've never written a comedy before . All of my writing is usually so serious - - but my husband challenged me to avoid any issues that were too heavy - - and instead focus on making people smile . Jolene and I started emailing each other almost two years ago . We both belong to a writers group for LDS women ( ANWA ) and she 'd asked for someone to critique her manuscript . I volunteered to do it and we traded . I read The Next Door Boys and she read a book of mine that I 'm querying . I loved The Next Door Boys . I 'd gone through a spell of critiquing books that still needed a ton of work , and Jolene 's book was so good and so publishable - - which was awesome . In May 2011 , we both went to the LDStorymakers conference in Salt Lake City . She flew in from Alaska and I drove up from Arizona . I was really nervous about meeting her , because we 'd been emailing for months and knew a lot about each other , but didn 't really know each other , if that makes any sense at all . ( I wonder if that 's how people who date online feel . . . ) Anyway , we met up at the conference and she was just as cool and easy to talk to as it had been emailing . We spent the whole day together , going to classes and sneaking M & Ms . It was so much fun . I knew who Rachel was long before I met her . Her first book , Divinely Designed , came out several years ago , and my mom picked it up from Deseret Book and told me that I needed to read it . I was just finishing up my edits on Meg 's Melody - - so I had LDS publishers on the brain . I really liked Rachael 's book and her writing style - - and I remembered doing the whole dream thing : If I can get my book published , would I get to meet people like Rachael ? That would be so cool . ( Yes , I 'm a nerd . And for the record , it is really cool to meet people who 's books I love ) So at the same writers conference I met Jo at ( Storymakers 2011 ) , I also met Rachael . We saw each other in passing here and there in the halls , and we were both finalists for the Whitney Award in the romance category , so we set up that we 'd sit by each other at the banquet . I wasn 't going to know anyone there and was feeling pretty awkward . My husband and I sat with Rachael and her husband for dinner and the awards ceremony - - and had a great time . Both of our husbands are engineers , so they were able to talk easily to each other ( and Rachael and I both understand what it 's like to be married to an engineer . ) Rachael was so great and easy to talk to , and really made the awards banquet so much fun for me . I 'm actually not sure of how Jo and Rachael met . I 'm pretty sure they met in person at that conference as well . Maybe one of them can pipe in and let us know . Any other shoutouts from the Storymakers 2011 conference ? I know I met a few more of you there . If you 've met one of us before , tell us how it happened ! When I say my prayers , I always remember to thank God for my kids , my husband , my home , the food we eat , the talents we have , our health , my awesome friends , modern medicine , the opportunities we have , my country , etc . I repeat these things probably two or three times a day . I 'm not trying to be repetitive - - I am just abundantly grateful for the most important things that I have . 1 ) Scented candles . I have four kids - - two in diapers . Plus , with the smelly sweat of kids that love to run around outside and having three boys , I need my cinnamon candle burning all day long . 3 ) Google . How did I live without it . My son accidentally broke the Z key on my laptop , and all I had to do was search " Replacement Z keys " and found a place that sold them and got it sent out the next day . I accidentally ordered the wrong one , so it doesn 't fit , but that was my fault , not theirs . 4 ) Chocolate chip cookies . I make them about once a week . There is nothing healthy about this . ( Sometimes I add oats and call them healthy , but we all know that for the lie it is ) . But it makes my family very happy , which makes me happy , too . 5 ) My son 's iPad . He 's finally able to start communicating with us through an app that was developed for the use of people with special needs who have a hard time speaking . He 's still learning on it , but we LOVE it . 8 ) The cologne my husband wears . He 's been wearing the same kind since we were dating and he only wears it when we go out on dates . I just want to snuggle in close every time he has it on . 9 ) Unlimited minutes on my cell phone for other people that use T - Mobile . I know this is really specific , but I talk a lot on the phone and I talk a lot to my family , and this habit could cost us a fortune . I 've convinced most of my family to switch over and now I can call them any time and talk as long as I want . . . It took my mom ten years to graduate from college . In that time she had three kids , worked multiple jobs including babysitting six other kids and doing shifts as a CNA at the hospital . For most of my childhood , she took one night class a semester at the local community college , working on her pre - recs for nursing school . I was sixteen when she graduated with her nursing degree . She always had people asking her how she could just keep going with her school even though it was taking so long . Ten years is a really long time to be chasing after a dream - - especially with life just getting busier and busier as the years went on . I love what how my mom would respond to people who said this . She would say , " The time is going to pass anyway . In ten years I can have my nursing degree or I can still be taking any job I can find to make ends meet . It doesn 't matter how long it takes as long as I get there . " I think about this all the time . I was just thinking about it this morning , actually , because I still have that extra five - ish pounds left from having my baby this summer - - and I just can 't find the motivation to a ) stop eating my kids Halloween candy and b ) work out consistently . I got my rear end off the couch this morning to go for a walk , knowing that the one mile I had time for wasn 't going to make that much of a difference in my weight . But maybe one mile every day for a year might - - and I found myself saying , " A year is going to pass anyway . Am I going to make a tiny sacrifice and be five pounds thinner at the end of it ? " And I say it all the time with my writing . Some days I am really busy . Crazy busy . And time flies by and I wonder where it 's all gone ( we 're already in November , folks . This is nuts . ) And sometimes I only have a few minutes here or there to add another scene to my manuscript or another page or even just another paragraph - - and I have to remind myself : The time is going to pass anyway . In two , or three , or more years , I can have a well - written book that I love , or I can still be dreaming of one day being a writer and not be doing anything about it . It doesn 't matter how long it takes , as long as I am doing something to make sure I get there . Ranee has a new Regency out that I , ahem , got the chance to read before almost anyone . And I loved it . So now that it 's available on Amazon , I snagged Ranee for an interview so you can learn more about her book and her . The idea came from a line in a Georgette Heyer novel . I can 't remember the exact line , but I know the circumstances were that this young man had always intended to marry the heroine . They don 't end up together , but of course , it got me thinking about what if . . . and then Iris and Dersingham 's story came to be and it ended up wildly different than I imagined . I used to be mostly a pantser - - I 'd have four or five plot points to work towards and would know the ending . But , as I 've grown as a writer , I realize now that doesn 't work . My early stuff lacks good pace and I 'm ending up having to go back and rearrange stuff , which is such a pain . So now I 'm definitely more of an outliner . Right now I 'm lucky enough to have a 4yo at home who still naps about three hours every day , so that 's when I do most of my writing . I also have my desk in the kitchen , so if he 's occupied during the day , I 'll snatch 10 to 20 minutes of writing time . I know it 's not ideal , but it works for me . Evenings are for my family and my husband , so for now , I don 't write at night . And if I got up at 5 am to write , so would my 4yo , which would make for a CRAZY day ! I know someday that will have to change , but for now , where I am in my writing , it works . The best advice actually comes from my editing life rather than my writing life ( but a little of both , since I can see both sides now ) . First , find a critique partner you trust . Second , trust them . One of the things that I see a lot is me asking a question in an MS and the writer explaining to me why they don 't need to clarify . Nine times out of ten , if the question is being asked , you 're not getting the point across you thought you were . So when your CP 's and readers ask about something you think is obvious , go back and take a good hard look at it . I had to do that with your ( Kaylee 's ) questions when you did the crit on A CONTEMPTIBLE AFFECTION , as well as with what other readers thought . It was fun critiquing for you . Do you have any projects you 're working on now you 'd like to tease us with ? Right now I 'm working on something totally different for me and also very fun . It 's a contemporary LDS romance about a famous college football player ( Think Jimmer Ferdette , but football ) and the girl who goes to great lengths to win him over . I really like it , but I 've just started revisions , so who knows how long that will last ! |
Nick and Tom arrived in Roppongi close to an hour after they got the call . By that time the body had been roped off and most of the reporters lost interest . Nick recognized one from a particularly seedy gossip magazine . Usually they dealt with celebrity sex scandals and corporate shenanigans but no newspaper or magazine could resist the scent of a murder story . When most of the reputable outfits find out it was a sex worker from Roppongi they pack it in early . The people down here dying were a dime a dozen . Only upstanding citizens ; housewives , office workers , high school students , and the like made for good stories that sold copies . So the big players left these stories to the gossip rags that were more interested in client lists rather than life stories . Nick made sure to bump hard into the reporter as he passed . The whip thin man started to curse Nick when Tom knocked him to the ground with a casual nudge . Tom bowed low and offered his apologies but not a hand up . The reporter made a stumbling excuse about how he must have tripped and waved Tom off with a smile . Tom might dress like a clown on LSD but he was still seven feet tall and three hundred pounds of scary blue muscle . Tom nodded at the reporter then turned to join Nick at the police cordon . Nick was chatting with his friend that gave him the tip . The officer looked the same as most do , broad shoulders , buzz cut , neat and clean uniform , but this one had a smile in his eyes as well as his face . Most cops Nick knew would smile at someone but couldn 't hide the contempt or even outright condescension they felt . " Nice one Tom , " Nick said . He jerked his thumb in the direction of the reporter , who was busy dusting off his pants . " Have you met my friend Shin before ? " The cop bowed at Tom who returned the gesture . " Like I said , " Shin punched Nick on the arm , " I can 't remember when I drank so much or even how much I drank . But forgive me , " he bowed again , " it 's nice to see you again Tom . " Tom returned the bow and Shin responded . This set off a small feedback loop as both bowed several more times to each other before breaking out into laughter . " Did you remember to renew your license ? " Shin asked . Nick started to say something , stopped , then turned to look at Tom . Tom gave a small nod . The stairs leading up were narrow to the point of claustrophobia . Tom hit his head on the low ceilings twice . It was his only choice though , he wouldn 't fit in the elevator . Nick had wanted to take the elevator and avoid the seven flights of stairs but Tom had threatened to quit if Nick left him to climb alone . When they reached the seventh floor the door by the stairs had no markings except for three chinese characters written in the complicated traditional style . " What 's that say ? " Nick asked . He was breathing heavily through his nose though it was clear he didn 't want to let on how winded he was . " Seems they didn 't take clients of my size into consideration when they chose this place , " Tom said . He was hunched over , the ceiling too short for him to stand up straight . Shin laughed again . " Sorry Tom , " he said . Then he pointed a thumb at the door . " As for this , " he said , " It 's gibberish . ' Happy Luck Day ' or some such . Come on , let 's go in . " The massage parlor was rather typical in Nick 's opinion . Soft leather couches lined the walls underneath long plate glass windows . There was what looked to be a reception desk , papers and notebooks scattered across the surface . An office phone with multiple lines sat on one corner , the receiver dangled off the side , resting on the floor . A large TV hung on the wall . It was showing a re - run of a popular variety show . The sound was off but Nick remembered the human interest piece about a five year old kid that took the bullet train all by himself . On the opposite wall , facing the door , a security camera looked down at them . " I 'll see what I can do , " Shin then led them into the back of the parlor . Heavy curtains made of cheap fabric hung in large ovals . Some were open , revealing the flat massage beds covered in clean white towels . Nick had been in some less hygienic establishments before so this place was a step above the rest . Shin kept walking to the very rear of the massage area . There were two forensic workers standing off to the side comparing notes . " About damn time , " one of them said when Nick and the others came over to the scene . The one who spoke looked like he was about to continue his complaint when Tom coughed . It was a deep rumbling noise that sounded like a spoon in a garbage disposal . The forensic workers went back to their notes . Shin smiled . " I appreciate it , " Nick said , clapping his friend on the shoulder . Nick turned to look at the body . It was already in a bag , resting on one of the tables . A softer pillow and heavier blankets than are typical for a customer were crumpled on the floor next to the bed . " We think she was in here sleeping off her shift , waiting for the trains to start running , " Shin said . " Other than the bag , we found her pretty much just as she is now , flat on the bed , no signs of injury . " Nick unzipped the bag and looked at the corpse for a few moments . He zipped the bag up again . " No , " Nick said . He stopped then , thinking . " Give me a light . " Shin handed Nick his flashlight . Nick unzipped the bag again and flicked on the light . " That fox we found the other day . She worked for this one , " Shin said . Nick said nothing as he continued to look at the corpse , trying to find a hint of familiarity in the features swollen by death . What he did notice , however , was the same yellow discoloration as his friend the fox had . It was harder to pick out on human flesh than white fox fur , but it was there . " Did you get the results from the lab on what killed Lin , I mean , the fox ? " Nick asked . Shin raised an eyebrow . Tom looked anywhere but the corpse . He had a weak stomach for death . " Funny thing that , " Shin said , " Toxicology said she died of acute nicotine poisoning . " Nick sniffed the air . Out of the ordinary actions are just as contagious in yokai as they are in humans . Soon both Tom and Shin were sniffing the air and even the forensic guys started as well . Shin shrugged his shoulders . " I can smell tobacco smoke though , " Tom said , " Even over that . " He waved a hand in the general direction of the corpse . Nick could smell it too . He had just given up cigarettes . Two months clean after seventeen years at a pack a day . People told him often that the sense of smell was the first thing to come back . Shin still smoked , however . " I smell it too , " Nick said , " which is odd . They usually don 't let customers smoke in a place like this . At least , not in the rooms . " Nick saw the forensic team writing down new notes at a furious pace . They avoided his gaze when he caught their eye . Nick was used to it , the incompetence of your average crime scene investigator in this area of town . " I 'll try , " Shin said with a small laugh , " but you 're going to owe me a beer or two if I come through on this . " Nick just smiled and followed Shin back to the exit . At the elevator Shin turned to Tom . " Exactly , " Nick said patting Tom on the arm , he couldn 't reach high enough to get his shoulder , " we 'll take the elevator and meet you down there . " Tom stomped off down the stairs muttering about " yokai discrimination " . After he disappeared around the corner of the stairwell Nick hit the elevator call button . " I know you and Lin were close , " he said . Nick shoved his hands in his pockets and began shifting his weight from foot to foot . His eyes locked onto the lights above the elevator signaling which floor it was on . " And I know you had a falling out , " Shin said . Nick threw a sharp glance at Shin then went back to the elevator . He reached out and stabbed the call button a few more times . " A suspect ? " Nick said . His outburst echoed down the stairwell . The elevator arrived and Nick immediately stomped inside the car . Shin grabbed the door as Nick was pressing the button for the first floor . " No seriously , " he said , " Thank you . I know you 're trying to help . " Shin smiled . He stepped out of the way of the door . " Slow elevator , should have taken the stairs , " Nick said . He paused to take a small flask from his coat . He opened it then took a long drink . He offered it to Tom who took it . " I saved his life once , " Nick said . He had another long drink on the flask then put it away . " Come on , " he said , " let 's go talk to the kappa . " Well it 's Christmas in Japan . So I 'm feeling a little nostalgic . As you can tell from the title I 'd like to talk about what is one of my favorite pieces of creative property , let alone favorite comic strip . It 's a little known fact that I can not be friends with any American male of around the same age as myself if they do not agree that Calvin & Hobbes is the best newspaper comic strip ever created . Rather specific requirements but it 's that serious . Well , if they never heard of it for some reason I suppose to can 't blame them for such a deprivation . For the uninitiated , and those of you that didn 't bother to click the link to Wikipedia up there , Calvin & Hobbes was a newspaper comic strip about a young boy and his stuffed tiger / best friend . Both characters were named after medieval aged thinkers so already the bar is set rather high . I 'll be including some visual examples because that makes for a more entertaining piece . However , I want to be clear , I am not taking credit in any way , shape , or form . Calvin & Hobbes is the sole property of Bill Watterson and perhaps his newspaper syndicate . I don 't know the rules . What I know is they certainly aren 't mine and that statement is a whole lot more than some of the sites I pulled these images from will acknowledge . So with all of that out of the way on to why I love this comic . Bill Watterson left behind a legacy about how popularity and quality can defeat entrenched rules and traditions in a creative medium . The strip above is a color Sunday strip . What I didn 't know at the time ( being a young child of course ) but Calvin & Hobbes broke from the standard format on Sunday allowing Watterson to create strips the way he wanted on Sunday 's . Without delving too much into the details ( because it 's kind of boring ) Sunday comics were a big deal and newspapers liked to cram in as many as they could and so there needed to be a certain standard . Watterson got an exception for C & H which allowed him to do some really magnificent things with the format . I love the subtlety of the interactions between Calvin and Hobbes here . I always imagined that Hobbes really came to life in the world of these strips . It 's never explicitly stated but that 's the charm . This strip kicked off a long arc about the terrible haircut , hiding it from his parents , and trying to cover it up ( with a yellow marker of all things ! ) . I like the comedic timing that Hobbes displays in the last frame and have included it in a lot of jokes I make with friends . Still makes me laugh to this day . There is so much story between the third and fourth panel there . This is something I try to put into my own work . Usually there 's always something lying there underneath the surface that I 'll absolutely refuse to point out directly . I think it comes from a desire to be as good at it as this . This duality really made me feel better about the fact that I really didn 't enjoy school . Like ever , at all . Plus it developed a love of language in me just trying to figure out what the hell he was saying . This one I 'm maybe not so proud of . Calvin 's view of his parents ( whom are never named in the comic other than Mom & Dad ) is fairly detached and aloof at times . This says a lot about the late 80s and 90s and about my own situation which was objectively fucked up , though , not the worst thing ever that 's for sure . But I liked Calvin 's parents . They always seemed like a couple that had been trapped into their relationship by their ( unplanned ? ) child but stuck it out in a dysfunctional yet loving way . Guess I gravitated to that dynamic . This still chokes me up a bit when I read it . If you 're a fan then you know there can only be one thing that 's coming . If not , I apologize in advance but hopefully you 'll thank me later . That 's a strange thing to say perhaps . I think C & H was about a certain demographic to be sure . Suburban white kids that liked to play outside . That was me and everyone I knew growing up . That 's just how it was . However , my best friend 's father would cut out the strips and hang them on the refrigerator . I owned every single book that they put out but almost never read it in the newspaper . Later you would see crazy things like car stickers of Calvin pissing on various things . Those were not officially sanctioned by the way . And that is one of the reasons why I think C & H didn 't dominate the popular culture and also why it stayed so good . Bill Watterson wouldn 't let it . I can tell you , if you bought anything Calvin & Hobbes related that wasn 't just a book of the strips then you were paying a grifter . Calvin and Hobbes was never licensed for merchandise because the creator didn 't believe in it . Today we would call something like that hipsterish but back then it was golden . Would Calvin and Hobbes have become crap and derivative if it hadn 't ended when it did ? I 'm torn of course . On the one hand I remember how sad I was to learn there would never be any more C & H and how much trouble I put my mother through to find the last book on offer . Which was just a collection of old strips with commentary from Watterson , like a DVD commentary before that was even a thing . I admit I was disappointed . I didn 't want it to ever end . Looking back , perhaps it 's for the best that Calvin and Hobbes remained pure . All I know for certain is that I can not read a single strip without grinning like an idiot from ear to ear . I remember the first time a saw a collection was in the dorm room of my Big Sister . She let me keep it and started my love of the comic . The first time I can remember throwing up in the car on a family vacation was while I was reading Calvin and Hobbes . I kept that book despite the vomit stains crinkling the bottom half . Pretty much there is nothing else so integral to my childhood . Someday I can see this as being the proverbial " back in my day " story that all adults seem to collect somewhere along the way . Though , for what it 's worth , I hope that someday I can have children that I can introduce to Calvin and his best friend Hobbes . And then to my grandchildren . Did I win ? Well if you mean write 50K words then no . If you mean getting in to the habit of writing everyday , however , then … still no . Writing more ? Yes , a little . Fooling myself into thinking I could make this a career and claw my way out of the depths of English teaching ? ( Which really isn 't that bad to be honest , my schedule is sooooo slack . ) Well yes and no . I did learn this kind of thing [ Writing ] is a slow pot to boil and you have to heat it with book matches you picked up from a scummy bar on the bad side of town . And you have to do it one at at time . Forever . It 's enough to make a person go insane . Anyway , how far did I get ? Just over 25 , 000 words . Which is more than I 've ever put down about anything . For comparison the novel I started last year for NaNoWriMo currently sits at about 9000 words . And I 'm thinking of putting a bullet it its metaphorical head and sweep it away . No sir , I don 't like it . But this one I like and think I could finish it . I just committed an ultimate sin by letting other entertainment take precedent over writing . This is because I wrote myself somewhere that just made my motivation go limp like over cooked spaghetti . Anyway , to boost my own ego somewhat ( and provide a little meat to this pity party ) I 'll attach the second ' chapter ' to my novella down here at the bottom . You might remember the first part , if not here . Look at it ! Just a warning . I still haven 't edited any of this so it could be crap . Especially since it 's completely new . The first chapter was about a third old material . This one … is not . Well anyway , enjoy . Tom smacked the side of the printer with one giant blue fist . A small panel on the side of the printer said " Built Oni Tough ! " Tom cracked it a few more times before it resumed spewing out paper . The hulking blue figure , dressed in the latest color vomit Harajuku calls fashion , nodded once at the offending computer equipment . " That 'll teach you , " he said . Tom gave it another light thwack for good measure . When he turned back to his desk he saw Nick standing in the doorway , sipping a can of vending machine coffee . Tom looked back at the printer , then to Nick . " Since about three smacks ago , " Nick said . Tom turned back to the printer and narrowed his eyes at it . The bangs of his spiked , bleached - blond perm dipped low over his plucked eyebrows . " And how long have we had it ? " Nick said . He sat down in his chair with a small grunt . He reached down to open the lowest desk drawer . The sound of shuffling papers and cursing soon followed . " Damnit , you 're right , " he said , standing up . Nick pointed a finger at Tom . " Just make sure when you do break it , it 's still within warranty unlike last time . " Tom started to say something but Nick cut him off . " And no more about how you forgot it was a national holiday or whatever . You had the day off for a reason . " Nick scanned the room looking for more whiskey . " Actually I was going to ask if you 'd like me to go to the liquor store for you , " Tom grinned at Nick , showing off two rows of perfectly white , pointy teeth . " Because we 're out of whiskey . " Nick dropped back into his chair . Nick stumbled awake when Tom came back to the office . He gave his head a vigorous shake to scatter the dreams of pencil thin metal claws . Tom pulled out several bottles of whiskey , a large one for general use and guests , two smaller ones of higher quality for Nick 's personal stash , and two cans of cold beer . " To take the edge off the afternoon , " Tom said , gesturing to the beer . Nick glanced at his watch . It was already after three in the afternoon . " Didn 't sleep well , woke up late , " Nick said . He grabbed one of the beers , cracked it , then took a few hearty swigs . A satisfied sigh , straight out of a commercial , escaped his lips . " Also , " he took another sip of beer , " I had to stop by the local police box to return something . " " That file on the massage fox ? " Tom said . He opened his beer . Nick looked at Tom , eyes sharp . He 'd assumed both beers were for him . Tom either failed to notice or chose not to react so Nick let it go . " She the one you were always talking about ? " Tom said , " The one that 'd let you sleep it off at her place for the minimum fee ? " Nick nodded . He didn 't want to say anything at the moment so he just drank his beer to avoid it . " Yeah , " Nick said between sips of his beer . It was almost half empty by now . He would have to switch to whiskey soon . The sat there for awhile in silence , drinking . Outside several emergency vehicles drove by , sirens at full volume . Nick liked to try and guess which kind they were just by the sound ; police , ambulance , or firetruck . He was never very good . Even after all of these years he had trouble telling the difference . The variations between them were more subtle than back home . Tom finished his beer and crumpled it in one great hand . He took aim at the recycle bin from where he was standing like he was about to shoot a free - throw . Nick could almost hear the crowds cheering in Tom 's head from the serious look on his face . Tom let the can fly . Nick watched it arc perfectly and land two feet short of the bin . Nick laughed . " Your form is great but you have to work on your range , " he said . Tom stomped over to the can . He picked it up then stomped back to Nick . " Think you can do better ? " he said , offering the can to Nick . Nick took it with an exaggerated bow . He leaned back in his chair and raised his arm . A casual flick of the wrist and a second later the can hit the bottom of the bin with a solid clunk . Nick raised both arms over his head , hands balled into victory fists , and looked at Tom . His face was deadpan , no expression except the light of success flashing behind his eyes . Tom shrugged his knotty shoulders then went back to his desk . " Lucky shot , " he said over his shoulder . Nick put his arms down and picked up his beer . He finished it with a smile . Crushed the can between both hands then took aim again . " You 're on , " Nick said . He took the time to calm his nerves . Every beer can that went from full to empty because of Nick ended up getting tossed at the recycle bucket . He usually made more than he missed but that was always at night after Tom had gone home . " Either shoot or get off the bowl , " Tom said . He still had trouble with some English idioms . Nick flicked his wrist and let the can fly . This one too found its home in the bottom of the bin . Nick left his shooting arm in the air , slowly raised his other above his head , and then swiveled his chair around to face Tom . Nick 's face was the same expressionless mask . Tom looked like he had just tasted a sour milk and fermented soybean smoothie . Nick lowered one hand and made the time honored , hand over the money gesture . Tom walked over to Nick , muttering and cursing in Japanese as he pulled out his wallet . When Nick tried to take the bill Tom offered the big blue ogre clenched it in his fingers . " So what 's with the interest in this fox ? " Tom asked once he was back behind his desk . Nick reached for one of the smaller bottles of whiskey . He looked around but the only things on his desk were random papers of a long forgotten nature and wrappers from various quick and unhealthy food type products . " I 'll tell you if you bring me a glass with some ice in it , " Nick said . Tom stopped typing on his comically large keyboard . Nick saw Tom roll his eyes but let it slide since the brute was getting him what he 'd asked for . When Tom came back with a glass dotted with water spots and three weak looking ice cubes , Nick accepted it in an overly polite manner . Tom chuckled a little at Nick 's antics . Nick poured about two shots worth of whiskey into the glass and swirled it around to chill . He took a slow sip , savoring the burn on his lips and tongue . Nick sank back into his chair . It was then that he noticed Tom sitting on the edge of his desk , looking not unlike a child waiting to be read a bedtime story . " So , " Tom said , " You and the fox ? Did you … ? " He made a rude gesture with his thumb and pinky . Nick tried not to rise to the bait but his denial didn 't sound honest enough for Tom . The Oni slapped his knee and laughed . " Need I remind you that whatever our relationship was , she 's dead now ? " Nick said . He sipped his drink . Tom 's smile came crashing back to Earth and he apologized . Nick shook his head . " Didn 't appear so . From the photos I saw the stain wasn 't covering her fur , it had seeped in right down to the root . The officers at the scene seemed to agree with me . " Tom crossed his arms in thought . " You 'll have to get your own glass , " Nick said , smiling . Tom lumbered off to the kitchen area once again , cursing under his breath . While Tom was in the kitchen the phone rang . Nick checked his watch , almost four o ' clock . Technically he was still open . He swirled his glass again and decided to let it go to the machine . " Answering machine 's broke , remember ? " Tom yelled from the kitchen . Nick cursed and answered the phone . It was his friend from the station . Another stained fox had turned up in Roppongi . Nick thanked his friend and hung up . I can 't count the number of times that I 've been out eating with friends and when the bill comes it 's something on the order of 5000 yen . Worth it , usually , if it was a nomihodai ( all you can drink ) at least . But even after all this time I 'm just now starting to pay closer attention to the cash that flees my wallet as if it were on fire . Americans just aren 't equipped to deal with monetary transactions involving this many zeros on a daily basis . There is nothing greater for a drunk than to have a safe , cheap , and convenient way to return home after a night 's libations . Problem is you only have two choices as to departure time . Sometime around midnight or well after 5am . Trains don 't run in the wee hours so if you miss your " last train " then you 're stuck sleeping in a gutter ( or manga cafe ) or punishing your liver for another five hours . You don 't have to own a car or even learn how to drive period . The train system is so complex and extensive that you can get pretty much anywhere in under an hour if you know what you 're doing . Of course , so does most of the population . The jokes and horror stories of crowded trains are all too true . I 've been there … I know … In reality it 's just the one street . Everyone that 's been there knows which one . If you haven 't , go there . It 'll be obvious what I 'm talking about . I 'm tearing down a lot of my own false bravado by saying this but every earthquake still freaks me out . There was a noticeable tremor on the East Coast not too long ago and folks reacted like they should have . Being freaked out . Sorry California , there 's nothing yawn inducing about the very ground beneath your feet moving around of its own free will in my humble , quivering with fear , opinion . Come back to me when you imagine earthquakes even when there are none , like I have for the past 6 months . Earthquake sickness I think it 's called . Except for about two or three weeks in late spring and early autumn ( like it 's been recently ) , the weather in Tokyo blows isn 't that great . It 's either way , way too hot . Raining . Way too hot and raining . Or it 's cold . And raining . Good luck trying to plan an outdoor event by the way . Just might get a typhoon up your backside . @ danharmon I 'm excited for tonight 's Harmontown ! I came all the way from Japan to see it before I catch my train home to North Carolina . 1 year ago |
Dear friends , Sometimes I 'm completely befuddled by the way events can smack you hard , and make you lose your footing . You would think that living for a while with the precarious nature of life on planet earth , one would get used to its hellish turns . But one doesn 't . I learned tonite that the 50 year old brother of a very dear friend died suddenly of heart failure . His elderly parents are left to sort out the whys of this disaster , as they bury their firstborn son . This scenario repeats itself in a thousand places . If any of us are looking for security here , we can forget it . I may sound kind of pessimistic , but I don 't believe I am . It 's a reality I have experienced , as have many of you . The question is not , " will I be faced with something that shakes my foundations ? " , but when . And when I am , how do I make sense of it ? Big questions , which I 'm way too small to answer . Steve had an ultrasound today by his PT , to see if anything shows up to give some insight into his knee pain . She couldn 't see anything on the scan , so we may just have to take it to Dr . Bagchi for a look - see . Those blasted bones of his broke in a bunch of pieces right around the knee joint , so it 's not strange that he 's experiencing pain . He never complains , but I know . Let 's put it this way : the man won 't be trying out for the US gymnastics team , or for a part as the pratfall person in the latest goofy comedy . But it would be nice if he could lie on his side in bed without an ouch every time he turns . On a lighter note , we bought our kids their Easter candy today . We have cut back greatly on the amount of chocolate , but the quality is now through the roof . Each child is getting a Lindt bunny and some lambs . Really , too much of that stuff is no good for them . But the good chocolate is so delicious , and they will each get a gift card to go with the yummies . The guy who sold us the chocolate was such a peach . We had a nice little conversation with him , and I wished I could cross his path again in life . It would be entirely inappropriate to invite hiPosted by Dear friends , I was working at Albany Med tonite , when Nurse Joyce approached me . I had known her a little bit , but tonite I got to know her alot better when she told me a story you all know from a different point of view . On November 8 , Joyce was shadowing in the Emergency Room . The hospital does this sometimes to give nurses who work on other floors a feel for what goes on down there . Joyce got more experience than she ever bargained for that particular Sunday night . Her emotions while detailing what she saw were plain to see . She was shaken . She was moved by scenes of love and mercy . And she was relieved to know that almost 5 months later , Stephen and Hannah are recovering well . From her perspective , a father of three was rocketed into trauma room A2 , and his little girl was already next door in room A1 . She recalled to me some of her memories . The ER nurse told her that Steve couldn 't take the preferred painkillers , because they impacted blood pressure and his was already in the danger zone . She told Joyce they would give him a certain opiate that would be less dangerous , but would make him feel like he was having a " bad trip " . She recollected the nurses squeezing the blood units to get blood in faster than it drained out . She herself kept fetching more and more pads , which soaked through with blood as soon as they were put on Smitty 's legs . When he was put in the CT scanner , there was a great fear he wouldn 't make it out because his pressure was so tenuous . She said he was just a " mass of broken , exposed bones " . And she recalled how his feet had begun to turn black from lack of circulation , putting him in danger of gangrene and amputation . Unbelievable , isn 't it ? Let 's face it , we have all witnessed a miracle . The Great One simply put up His hand and said , " this far and no farther " . She reminded me of some things I said which I didn 't remember . And then she said the sweetest thing : " I remember your older son coming in to sing to Hannah " . And I told her , " that wasn 't my son , that was our Youth Pastor . But I wouldPosted by Dear friends , It was positively surreal this evening , back at work at Albany Med , on a Sunday . My excellent friend Jackie was sitting across from me , much as it was 19 weeks ago . So many memories came rushing back , some of them painful but most of them good . I thought of the noble , hardworking people who rescued Stephen and Hannah from the wreck . I remembered the trauma team in the ER , painstakingly stitching Hannah 's cuts and lacerations . My dear Pastors , Pastor Dave and Pastor Greg , and Sisters Laurie and Lisa absorbing all the hard news with me . I can still see the faces in the waiting room , so many faces , sharing our suffering , praying like there was no tomorrow . Steve 's family , travelling in the middle of the night from far away places to be here in case Stephen died . And on , and on , and on . Then , winter was closing in . Now , winter is trekking out . I guess our lives will always have an invisible dividing line on November 8 , 2009 . I 'm not far enough out to know for sure . But from my present , limited perspective I would gamble on it . The Great One deserves mountains of praise for all He has done during these intense weeks . Stephen is not only walking , he 's working . And this morning , my sweet Miss Rejoice played keyboard and sang back up during worship at church . ( Our youth " Generation Church " , executed the entire service this Palm Sunday ) . I was the human sponge watching her there , able to experience life and worship and God . No , everything is not perfect , but it never will be this side of heaven . Still , it is beyond all I could have hoped . And time will continue to show the work of God in the lives of my loved ones . Stunning . I think you will find my posts on Sundays , Tuesdays and Thursdays will be getting shorter . I 'm a working girl again , and I don 't get home until 11 : 15 , so something 's got to give . But I have a commitment to write a blog entry every night , whether anyone ever reads it or not . ( I do so appreciate all of you who do read . I continue to be flabbergasted by the folks who approach me to tell me thePosted by Dear friends , Houston , we have liftoff . Stephen Smith now has his own car once again . It 's charming little Honda Civic , and will transport him very nicely back and forth to work . If you follow this blog , you know we purchased it from Steve 's cousin , the great Peggy Ann , who is as kind and caring a soul as you 'll find on God 's green earth . Here is a photo of P . A . , Sharon the Cheerful , Aunt Peggy ( who is not 87 , by the way , she 's 88 ! ) , and the man himself . We met them in Newburgh , NY and had a little visit at a restaurant there . A total pleasure ! P . A . put so much into that car before selling it to us , she most certainly lost money on the deal . Please disregard her Yankees sweatshirt . Even the best of them have their flaws . . . On the way home I popped in an older CD by Point of Grace , and played my favorite song by them , " Steady On " . Listen to these lyrics : " Steady me , when the road ahead gets rockyReady me , for the fears I cannot seeLord won 't you let me be a witness to your promiseWon 't you steady me . . . Lead me , Steady On . . . " I have been a witness to His promise , and He has steadied me on the rocky road . I was living the high life driving home in my Dodge Caravan , feeling a joy money can 't buy , looking at deer on the side of the road made golden by the 6 : 30 sun , and knowing that no worldly pleasures can match the absolute jubilation of living life with God . Believe me , I don 't say this arrogantly . I say it full of gratitude , because I know myself far too well . This very morning , I woke up with fear coursing through my veins . I run some nasty specials . It 's only the Great One who can lift us up beyond our normal responses . I know I 'll struggle with stuff til the day I die , but I also know He 'll be there to lead me steady on . Later on in the song the lyrics say : " As the narrow road gets crowded , Lord , won 't you lead me steady on . . . " I love that the narrow road can be crowded . And that when I start veering off , folks like you grab me by the collar and pull me back on . Thanks for having my back . Your friend on the pilgrim Posted by Dear friends , Judy the Good reminded me today that I never published any photos of my beautiful Adirondack bedroom for the Bloggies to see . So here they are . Thank you again to all of you who made this happen ! It 's a lovely , restful place for us to be . Steve is on the couch , with his legs on pillow mountain . They 're bothering him a little today . I can see that Shrek foot from here , and his ankles do look swollen . Amazing , after all this time there is still lots of healing to go . His legs got mightily beat up . His lymphatic network and blood vessels are all being rebuilt by his body , cell by cell , protein by protein , little by little . He 's doing many things now , like bringing the rubbish to the transfer station , but everything takes longer . So what ? I 'm so happy to have him home . We 're learning how to slow down and be okay with it . Miss Rejoice is out with Miss Lauren and Miss Heather tonite , seeing Columbia High 's production of " Aida " . Hannah says she would like to be in a play herself next year . She continues to mend , and I continue to stand in awe of all the Great One has done for her , and for Stephen , and for all of us . Hallelujah ! This road is winding , with curves ahead no one can see around . It 's true for all of us . God stands outside of it all and knows . He 's all set up to be our " ever present help in times of trouble " . Or our protector from the dangers of prosperity and pride . Nothing takes Him by surprise . Joe is at band practice , David is playing some Super Mario something or other , Stephen is talking to his mom ( who , by the way , has called him every day he has been conscious since November 8 ) , and we are about to watch " A Hole in the Head " , directed by the great Frank Capra . It stars Frank Sinatra . I told you , we are pretty boring around here , especially on Friday evenings . I most likely will fall asleep on the couch , if I can find any room around all the pillows . Tomorrow we drive south to get our new car from cousin Peggy Ann . And apparently Steve 's Aunt Peggy , a spry young lady at age 87 , is coming for Steve and Hannah Dear friends , Tickets to premiere movie at Crossgates Cinemas : $ 0Night out with the girls : pricelessThe Book says " A merry heart doeth good like medicine " . How true it is ! I had the privilege of the company of Nancy the Nice , Kind Karen and Effervescent Arleen for dinner and a sneak preview of the new Nicholas Sparks movie " The Last Song " . ( Thank you to Nancy 's daughter Erica for the free tix ! ) Erica and her friend joined us for the movie viewing , which of course , has a story attached . As for my movie review . . . well , this one is for the Twilight set . I 'm the wrong person to ask anyway . I rarely see a movie post 1950 , so my taste is a bit skewed . End of review . Now for the ridiculous part : When I am out of the house , I keep my cell phone strapped to my person at all times . I guess I 'm a bit gun shy , what with the unpredictability of life kind of dropping itself into my lap . Also , I 've got a partially crippled guy at home with 3 kids . So I put the thing on vibrate , thinking I was being ever so polite , and stuck it in my coat pocket . Well , about half way through the film I feel the phone buzz . So I discreetly lift it out of my coat and check to make sure Smitty isn 't calling . Zoom . Up the stairs like a flash comes the movie police . He called me Sweety , was very nice , and asked me to turn off my phone . I told him it was on vibrate , and thinking we were both okay with that , returned the offending technology to my pocket . Some 20 minutes later , another buzz . Again I open the phone , only this time the movie cop isn 't calling me Sweety . This time he starts talking about " either I turn the thing off or I can present my license and have a chat with the FBI . I 'm a little miffed , thinking this is over the top , when Karen the Kind leans over and ever so sweetly says to me " It 's because it 's a premiere and they think you 're trying to tape the movie " . So I tell the gentleman I will turn it off , wanting like mad to tell him why I had it on in the first place , but you can 't have a conference in the middle of a movie . Meanwhile , EffePosted by Dear friends , I have a definite opinion about jello . Capable Carol brought some over tonite for our cell group meeting . Now Carol is a fabulous cook . Her ham dinners are the stuff of legend . But jello is bad stuff . It has a slimy consistency , it slides off the spoon , and it comes in colors not ever found in nature . Jello is the Edsel of the food world . It simply was a mistake to invent it . Now I hope I 'm not offending anyone , but you know honesty is my policy . Jello must go . It 's too unpredictable , too slippery , and too . . . jelloey . Smitty ( who is also in the anti jello camp ) , had therapy today at the aptly named Sunnyview Rehabilitation Hospital . We 've been connected to them for so long now , it will be kind of sad when it 's time to finally go . God bless those dear people who work in that place of hope . No doubt about it , the Great One put us there for our good , from November 18 , when Hannah was first an inpatient in the Brain Injury Unit , to the present , where Stephen receives the very best in outpatient physical and occupational therapy . I remember arriving there with my little girl , wondering what in the world I was doing in the TBI unit of a rehab hospital . She was still a very sick little pup when we first got there . I remember getting down on the floor and crying out to God to bring her out of the flat , emotionless bubble she was trapped in . He answered in His mercy , and Hannah continues to amaze everyone with the long strides of her recovery . A number of her teachers ( outstanding is the adjective for these folks , who have been foot soldiers in the day to day of helping our daughter climb her mountain ) emailed me today in response to some questions I had . Imagine the joy to my heart to hear how hard Hannah is working , and how superbly she is doing , especially in light of the past 4 plus months ! I pray the Great One will multiply back to Hannah 's teachers a thousand times all the love and care they have put into her . We are mightily blessed to have them . I read a passage from scripture today from " The Message " tPosted by Well , hello there fellow travelers ! This is Stephen tonight , filling in for Loriann because she has a splitting headache and I 'm afraid the booming of the keys under her fingers would be too much for her . Instead she is lying down and watching ( quietly ) the wonderful 1938 film ' The Adventures of Robin Hood ' with Errol Flynn , Olivia de Haviland and Basil Rathbone . I remember when the children were small they would always call this " the real Robin Hood " , so as not to confuse it with the animated Disney film , which was their first experience with the story . And a great story it is , too , of good triumphing over evil and love winning out in the end . The pictures above are of our precious David John , who was working tonight at his school at their pasta dinner / fundraiser . He ( and all the rest of the children there ) worked hard and did a great job . Above you can see him working the drink counter , and then sitting down with his good buddy Josh when they had a chance to feed themselves in between the five o ' clock and six o ' clock seatings . He 's the third and last of our children to work this fundraiser at Our Savior 's Lutheran School , and it was a blessing to see . The food was terrific too - David especially loved the garlic bread that was served with the meal ! Today was my second day back at work in an office , and like yesterday it went well and there was plenty of work for me to do . Yesterday on the way home from work I realized that it was March 22nd - three months to the day that I came home from Sunnyview , just in time for Christmas . I thought of how I was feeling then - still in my wheelchair and thinking I was at least two months away from even starting to put weight on my right leg . Now , three months later , I was well enough to be walking around with a cane for my support and to begin working out of my new office at my new job . As I said on my Facebook page yesterday , " GOD IS GOOD ! ! ! " And yes , those capital letters are appropriate and practically demanded ! Loriann had another productive day with me out of the house , buPosted by Dear friends , Well , the man went to work today , in an office , for the first time since early November . Doesn 't he look dapper ? Apparently he was very busy too , getting up to speed and setting up his office . He goes back tomorrow , but Wednesday is a therapy day . He 'll be on 3 days a week for a while yet ( probably another 3 weeks to a month or so ) . Dr . Samaio doesn 't want him going too fast . There 's still lots of healing going on , and that will continue . The Dynasplint was taken off in the middle of the night last night . It was just too uncomfortable , and Smitty needed his shut eye before the first day at work . Between the mountain of additional pillows , the Dynasplint and the cat , there 's not much room on the bed . It could be alot worse . I could be there all by myself . So I 'll be thankful for the extras , while looking forward to the day they aren 't needed anymore . It was a bit strange , being alone in the house most of the day . I was the white tornado , though , in my kitchen . I 'm still not done , but I sanitized that room with elbow grease and Clorox ! Then I hit the bathroom . Then I put my feet up for a while and read a little more of my book about poison in the early 20th century . During Prohibition , the rate of alcoholism actually skyrocketed , as did alcohol deaths . People were drinking methyl alcohol and killing themselves at an alarming rate . Once cars became affordable , drunk driving was in full swing . People were killed like animals in the street by intoxicated drivers , many of whom died themselves in cars without any safety equipment at all . Things change , but how they stay the same . . . So now it 's time for me to get to work on my victim impact statement for the sentencing of Oscar Lewis toward the end of April . I actually have to get it written by mid April . I 've been putting off the whole thing , partly out of laziness , and partly because I really don 't look forward to thinking too much about the impact all of this has had on our lives . We really are moving ahead , thanks to the Great One , whose " mercies are new evPosted by Dear friends , 18 weeks ago , normal came crashing down with the sounds of a medevac helicopter on the roof of Albany Med , and an army of loving people praying in the ER waiting room ( and in places near and far ) for the lives of my husband and daughter . It still seems like something I read in a book , and not something that actually happened . But my memory is filled with beautiful vignettes : police , emergency rescue folks , and medical personnel working feverishly to keep my family alive , person after person sitting with Hannah as she emerged from the early stages of brain injury , mountains of food brought to the Ronald McDonald room on the 7th floor of the E building at Albany Med , phone calls , emails , cards , money , errands , chores - every time I turned around someone was waiting to help . Those are memories I will forever cherish . It 's hard to even put into words , actually , the feelings that arise within me when I recall the everlasting arms of God around me through the whole experience . And the compassionate working hands of incredibly kind people . . . Normal became different , and it 's about to change again . It keeps doing that ! And the Great One continues to show us how to make like a tree in the wind . And bend . Tomorrow Smitty goes to work at his new office for the first time . As you know , he 's been working for this new company from home since January . Now he goes in and meets lots of new people , sets up his office and dives in . Please pray for him ! The new job thing is enough for anyone to manage , never mind with a recovery still ongoing . We are so very blessed by the new firm he is working for ! They have been understanding of his limitations , and they are looking forward to working with him . I know they will love him . He 's a hard working man , and his attitude is excellent . I 'm so glad for this slice of normal for him . He 'll only be working 3 days a week for now . And though I 'm glad he 's out and about , I will truly miss him . I 'll adjust to my new normal ( again ! ) , and it will be alright . I 'm a little worried about hisPosted by Dear friends , Stephen took 2 walks today , partly to enjoy the outstanding spring weather , and partly to " grease " that stiff right knee . I walked with him the second time , and we met up with many of our neighbors , some who we haven 't seen since the fall . Lexi the dog even came out and I threw her a stick to fetch . I couldn 't have been more content . I 've been learning the thing the Great One really wants me to get : enjoy life today , while everything isn 't fixed , because there will always be problems . Some days I get it and some days I forget it . Two steps forward , one step back . Such is life . I spent lots of time in the car today . Joseph did some driving ( he 's doing a really good job ! ) , and there were errands and the " teenage limo service " many parents find themselves running when their kids are in this time of life . I wouldn 't trade a second of it . I loved when they were babies , and toddlers , and elementary school age and now . There were times when they were little that I wished it away - ( when I was pulling 3 of them out of car seats in a two door car ) , but looking back I can also say there were many moments I savored . I can picture Joseph in his diaper and cowboy boots ( he insisted on wearing them to bed ) , and Hannah with the pigtails sticking out and following her big brother everywhere , and David John sucking on those two fingers . Even then , God was reminding me to live in the moment . It takes a lot of living to learn what living is about . If there is anything good that came out of that terrible car accident , it 's the ever present reminder of the fragile nature of life . How I want to get this ! Every day . Hannah Rejoice , Lauren and the beautiful Jessica did hair coloring today . My daughter is way more gutsy than I ever was as a teenager . The red streaks are wild ! She 's stepping out a little bit , and I 'm saying to myself " why not ? " . I mean , it 's only hair , right ? With all she 's been through , and continues to grow through ( ouch ) , a little levity with hair seems appropriately frivolous . How I wish I could make everytPosted by Dear friends , Holy smoke , what a day ! Warm , sunny , mild - and the crocuses are going mad in the front of my house . It was a day you wanted to get up in the morning . It almost made you forget there ever was a winter , ( till you saw the old , filthy snowbanks still holding out in the Walmart parking lot ) . We attended a wonderful bonfire at the home of Jon Michael the Kind and Marcia the Tender Hearted . ( By the way , a perfect quote from Brother Bob : " Everything burns " ) . And he means it . . . It was a day that was like a kiss from heaven , a reminder that nothing ever stays the same . The ice melts , the leaves grow back , the world recovers from it 's annual near death experience . Praise God , who does all things well . Even when we don 't understand it all . So I 'm thinking about that funny quote " Everything burns " , and as usual I 'm thinking it to death . But it is so true in so many ways . We 're here on planet earth for our 5 minutes , and then we 're gone . And all the " stuff " - it 's all gonna burn . The bed you 're sleeping on tonite will most likely be in the landfill in 50 years , and the tv you 're watching will be obsolete , and your shoes will be out of style . And I pondered what it always comes back down to in the end : relationship . Relationship with God and man . The only thing that 's going to last are the eternal things the Great One made to last . And that 's you . And me . So let 's not value what is worthless and devalue what is precious . Once again , it 's me I 'm talking to . You just hear me thinking out loud . . . Smitty may need a trip to Dr . Bagchi 's office next week if his knee doesn 't improve . He says it feels like it 's not in the joint properly . When he had the fixator removed , Dr . B . did try to readjust his joint , but said it wasn 't in perfectly . The injuries to Steve 's legs were really bad . They took a sound beating . And the perfection of joint design , though not easily upset , is definitely hammered by 6600 pounds of metal hurtling at you at 70 miles per hour . The fact that he can walk at all is miraculous . Let 's just keep prayinPosted by Dear friends , I was sitting on my front stoop this morning , and it occurred to me that the car crash lives in my head every day , whether I like it or not . I guess it 's one of those things that actually changes your paradigm permanently . Of course it is still so evident before me : Stephen 's injuries , family relationship changes since November 8 , paperwork , court dates , insurance notifications , etc . , etc . . . But even if all of these things were invisible , I think somehow the thing would still reside in my psyche . I wonder if it will always be that way ? I talked to the Great One alot today about the whole thing . And after a good cry in the car ( ever had one of those ? ) , I felt comforted , hopeful and reassured . The pilgrim road is indeed a rocky one . And steep at times . But it is never solitary . The One and Only is always on the spot . Always . Smitty and I took a little break today ( he 's been working very hard on studying for his license exam , and he 's actually taking the practice exams ! ) , and we walked at the Corning Preserve . It was much different from the last time we walked down there , when we covered about 4 miles in 40 minutes . This time we covered about a half mile in the same amount of time . What can I say ? We were happy to be there , glad for the sunshine , delighted that we have life and hope , and sad for what has been lost . Stephen is so convinced about miracles now , that he really believes God could grow his leg back to the original length . I admit I don 't have faith for that right now , he does , but regardless we keep moving forward , one step at a time . This drunk driving thing is really bothering me today . Our dear friend Terrific Tracy told us about a 26 year old man ( her coworker 's best friend ) , who died today at Albany Med , after being hit by an intoxicated driver . And it seems everyone I talk to knows someone who has been injured or killed by the tragic decision someone made to drink and drive . I 'm frankly fed up with the whole thing . I 'm not smart enough to figure out all the details of getting this thing Posted by Dear friends , Happy St . Patrick 's Day ! We wore the green today and got our 50 cent ice cream cones from Stewart 's . And of course , every March 17 involves the viewing of John Ford 's classic , " The Quiet Man " with John Wayne and Maureen O ' Hara . The story of the real St . Patrick is packed with more drama and pathos than any work of fiction . Turns out Patrick was actually a citizen of what was then Britain , was kidnapped by Irish raiders ( at around 16 years old ) , sold into slavery in Ireland , escaped back to Britain , and later returned to the place of his captivity . There , with pity in his heart for the emptiness and superstition of a race oppressed and steeped in paganism , Patrick brought the gospel of Jesus Christ to the Irish people . This was good news , great news ( despite man 's tendency to corrupt the truth ) for the people of Ireland . Light was proclaimed over the deep darkness . And the great Irish people have revered Patrick ever since . Of course there 's more to the story , and some of the legends seem a little far fetched to me , but who knows ? It was a long time ago , and none of us can really completely unravel the mystery of the past . One thing is for certain : the Great One always has , and always will love the Irish people . Like all the rest of the world , His big heart is for them to see Him as He truly is - the lover of their souls . St . Patrick was a messenger of that " life that is truly life . " God bless him for his willingness to put the needs of others over his own ! He was a missionary with vision and abiding love , even for those who had persecuted him . Stephen had therapy today , and I went with him to get instructed on the care and feeding of the Dyna Splint ( ha ! ) He will eventually wear the flextion brace for 8 straight hours , and the extension brace for 8 hours the next day . The hope is he can wear them while sleeping , but if not , he 'll have to endure them during the day . Of course then it 's more of a cumbersome thing because it gets in the way of daily function . We 'll just have to see how it goes . In the meaPosted by Dear friends , The Dynasplint is in hand . This high tech elbow bender ( and straightener ) is the invention of someone who carted their extra brains around in a wheelbarrow and used them for some good . This thing is supposed to stretch the tendons and ligaments in Steve 's elbow , much the same way a rubber band on your visor stretches if you leave it there all summer . It 's an attempt to get the elbow stretched enough so it doesn 't automatically " bounce back " to its resting position . The ideal : Wear it 8 hours while sleeping . The reality : Do the best you can . It 's on the lowest setting right now , and as Smitty tolerates it with time , we 'll crank it up a notch to extend the stretch . He 's got it til May , so let 's see how it goes . Now you knew I was going to find some kind of allegory here , right ? I 'm thinking , I need a Dynasplint for my spiritual tendons ! Gotta get the old , stiff , " religious " ways behind me , and stretch out to the pure freedom of an authentic relationship with my Great Father . To walk with Him every hour of every day . To see Him in every person , and to treat every person as I would Him . Jesus promised to send the Holy Spirit to give us true power for living this life , and there 's no one more vested in stretching us to our greatest measure of abundant life . Now . Not when everything is " ok " . Not when we get the right job or our kids do this or that , or we get the new house , or we go on vacation . The abundant life is about today ! It 's an inside job . May the Great One help us to live it . . . I 'm first on the needy list ! David had a rough go today . Rotten cold , loose brace , trip to the orthodontist . On the bright side , he really wanted me to read him a Dr . Seuss book . You know happiness when your 12 year old snuggles with you while you read really silly rhymes . My favorite Seuss is of course , Green Eggs and Ham . There are great intellectual debates that rage every day over which book is the pinnacle of Seussdom . What do you think ? David 's favorite : There 's a Wocket in My Pocket " . Smitty 's favorite : Yertle the TuPosted by Dear friends , Smitty and I had a sweet , sad moment this morning . Sweet because we shared it , sad because it was the sharing of heartbreak . Every now and then the waves of the fallout from the crash coming rolling over us , especially in regards to our princess . As you know , there are some things I simply cannot bring out in this public forum because of the tenderness of the issues and the need to protect the privacy of those involved . But I can freely tell you about our coping , and the power of love through everything . The suddenness of the emotions came on both of us , and we leaned on each other . And we leaned hard on the Great One . There 's a solid rock on which to place your staggering feet . " He heals the broken hearted , binding up their wounds . . . " It doesn 't happen all at once . But what great comfort that it 's real ! It 's been over 4 months since all this happened . But we are where we are . There are still sorrows and challenges to face . I wish we were through it . I knew a while ago that 6 months down the road we would still need the understanding of our friends and family for quite a while . And you 've stuck it out with us . No one has said to me " get over it . " Believe me , I would if I could . But I won 't lie about it . It still hurts . All is not gloom and doom , however ! There have been countless miracles and multiple blessings to unpack . Who could have guessed that Hercules would be up on a cane at this point , driving , working part time , folding laundry ( hurray ! ) and purchasing shoes . By the way , I don 't know who put that money in Steve 's hands to aquire new shoes on Sunday . But whoever you are , thank you . Yes , he does have to buy 2 pairs of shoes ( different sizes ) . We did find one place that only charges half for the second shoe , after you pay full price for the first . But that place is more pricey , so it comes out about even . Anyway , how cool is it that someone actually thought about Stephen 's feet ? I remind you , that right foot really does look like Sasquatch 's . And with the skin graft in plain sight , his whole loPosted by Dear friends , I managed to yell at all three of my kids today , proving that despite all I 've learned , I have miles to go . I 'm not saying kids don 't need to be corrected , but yelling is definitely not the productive way to go . So I handed out a few apologies , but I have another one to go . I struggle with feeling doubly guilty about how I handle problems with my kids , because I know it hasn 't been an easy road for them either these past 17 weeks . All three have been affected by the trauma of November 8 . No doubt about it , we 've had incredible grace and support through it all . But kids feel things deeply , only they express their feelings differently than adults do . To be perfectly honest , I haven 't sorted it out yet . I 'm not sure I ever will . Add adolescence into the mix , and the brightest bulb in the club ( of which I 'm not a member ) might find theirself baffled . So once again I pick myself up from the mess , ask forgiveness , and move on . Real life is messy business . David 's school had their learning fair today . Stephen and David built a catapult for the medieval time period the sixth grade is studying . ( All the kids built them - they were all different - and fantastic ! ) Father and son competed for who could hit the ping pong ball closest to Albert Einstein 's head . My baby boy won . Of course , Stephen did have a cane , so I 'm sure it would have been a tie . . . Our guest speaker at church this morning made the point that focus on what matters , matters . Just what I blogged about yesterday . Not getting sidetracked by the inconsequential details of this temporary life . I knew I liked the guy when he quoted C . S . Lewis : ( I paraphrase ) " Aim for heaven , and you get earth thrown in . Aim for earth , and you get neither . " Think about William Wilberforce . For years in English parliament he fought for the abolition of slavery . He would not be distracted . He would not be deterred . Precisely because he understood the great truth that man is made for more than 70 years on this fallen rock spinning through time . The value of human beings goesPosted by Dear friends , I made a lasagna to beat the band tonite . No kidding , it was delicious . My lasagna is like my hair ; you never know from one time to the next how it will come out . It was a good night for a home run too , since my nephews , my brothers and my sweet sister in law Kathy were all here for dinner . Sarge also stayed , after Joe worked for him this afternoon . Joe drove home in Sarge 's car . Earlier today I took him on the highway for the first time . After all the hoopla of the past 4 months , I think I should have gotten a gold star for bravery ! Sixteen years old , father and sister nearly died in a car wreck , and mom is the copilot for speeds of 65 mph . Good thing all my trust is in God ! ( He did a terrific job , by the way . I think the events of our recent past have permanently impacted him as a defensive driver . I hope so . ) The early morning was so wonderfully quiet today . Stephen went to a men 's breakfast with the excellent fellows at DFG , and I was home , puttering around , drinking coffee , reading and enjoying the absolute peace of sleeping children and solitude . Solitude . It was something the people of our distant past came by much more easily . Don 't get me wrong . I am not in the camp of those who want the Little House on the Prairie days . I like indoor plumbing , electric blankets and polio vaccines . But there was something about the intrusion of the industrial and technological world that made it harder to find the quiet place where the Great One is found . A million distractions , even in our own homes , can take us away from the peace of fellowship with our Creator , or even from the discomfort of self examination ; both of which are necessary to what the true life is all about . So I was grateful for the hour of gentle silence that came as a gift I didn 't anticipate . The real discipline is to enforce a space for that same solitude every day . To breathe the air of what 's truly lasting instead of checking facebook , or watching the news , or forwarding a text . None of these things are wrong ! But they can actually bSteve and Hannah Dear friends , The gulf between who I am and who I wish I were is a wide one . I still find myself wasting mental energy on stupid , mundane and even ugly thoughts , when there is a world of healthy , positive and right things to think about . The worst is when I take myself too seriously . What a relief to laugh at ourselves ! Fortunately for me , I am married to a man who has a basically sunny disposition , and is quick with a joke . If I 've figured anything out over these past few months , it is that attitude is king . Look at the circumstances with the right point of view and the whole thing turns on its axis from dark to light . Or at least to OK . Even if the thing isn 't at all OK , we can still be OK . Unfortunately my attitude hasn 't always been good . That 's why I 'm so glad to have a Savior who does not " change like shifting shadows " . He 's some kind of dependable ! Unlike His creation . Shakespeare put it this way " For man is a giddy thing , and this is my conclusion . . . " What an honor to meet Jim W . today , one of the firemen at the scene of the accident back , well you know when . We were at the transfer station ( I was wearing my new high heels by the way ) , and the great Transfer Station Supervisor Joe started pulling our trash out of the back of the car . He and Smitty always chat away . Like I 've said before , I love those guys down at the dump . They 're the salt of the earth . Anyway , Jim ( not Joe ) looked at Steve and asked if he remembered him . Steve said yes , thinking he had seen him there at the transfer station before . But I figured out what Jim was talking about ! He helped get my darlings out of that car ! He helped pull the thing apart to get the dashboard off of Stephen 's lap . I gave him a big hug , and Hercules was able to shake the hand of a man who helped save his life . Jim was so happy , thrilled to see Smitty doing so well . Amazing , isn 't it ? There are heroes all around us . Ordinary people who simply are too stubborn to allow darkness to swallow up light . May the Great One repay them for their work . And like I said beforPosted by Dear friends , It 's a bit late . Here 's why : The man won the tickets on the radio in June . They cancelled in July . He almost died in November . They rescheduled for December . ( Stephen was a bit tied up in December ) . They cancelled in December . They rescheduled for March . So tonite , we went to the Elton John / Billy Joel concert and Smitty didn 't need handicapped seating . As far as I 'm concerned , all those people ( and there were many ) , should have clapped for Steve ! Even though he 's not well known for his musical talents . . . As for me , well , all I needed to hear was " New York State of Mind " . ( " Me , I 'm takin ' a Greyhound , on that Hudson River line . . . ) But the real nostalgia was when Elton John played " Crocodile Rock " . I was transported back to 8th grade , in my friend 's room , listening to the 45 ! That was a very difficult time in my life , and it was then I really began to wonder about all the big questions . Why am I here ? Will God help me ? Will I survive in high school . It 's sort of good to remember what that age felt like . I want to be an understanding mama , and not dismiss the undeveloped but powerful feelings of my teenagers . So the Great One even uses " Crocodile Rock " for my good . He 's ever surprising me . Here 's some news to rock the funhouse : Northeast Health came today and took away the wheelchair . I get kind of misty thinking about it actually . I remember Stephen struggling just to get into the thing at Sunnyview , and the night we both were up at 2am , so thankful that it was only temporary for him . But I will not , can not , forget those who will continue to live in their chair . I will always look at them in an entirely new light , with respect in my heart and a prayer on my tongue . That is not the road Hercules has to walk down . He has his own limitations , but they pale in comparison . I am again humbled by the profound mercy . We finished watching an old Jimmy Stewart picture , Destry Rides Again . How I rooted for young Tom Destry , struggling to bring justice to a corrupt wild west town ! Marlene Dietrich is the tough saloonPosted by Dear friends , This poem is dedicated to my friend , Alma D . She has been squeezed , and everyone else had gotten the wine . She has experienced the long winter of a difficult trial , but brings spring into every cold , lonely place . The Great One displays His splendor through her well lived life . Hold on to the good , hold on stubbornly , by dear Bloggies . The One and Only specializes in thawing out the frozen heart and bringing life to your internal " tundra . " Restless SpringFlocks of robins eat what 's left of frozen berries . Weathermen predict a wet and melting snow . Trucks leave marks in mud where cold has lost the battle . Winter blows its horn , with little time to go . Gardeners read the catalogs with hopeful dreaming . Dirty mudrooms irritate with worn out rugs . Little boys dig out their nerf guns from the closet . Shoppers pass the discount boots with careless shrugs . The winter weary soul finds strength in small hopes , And most of all his fellows make him stronger . Winds may beat against his tired frame with vigor , But winter of the spirit has dominion hardly longer . Up from the frozen heart emerges a surprise ! Not strangled by what winter once entombed . Restless hope makes way from places long thought dead . Reckless joy , refusing to be doomed . As on the earth , the sleeping mammal rises , So leap up all living , growing things . A resurrection speaks of color , wild gladness . Darkness must declare defeat , Spring springs ! We continue to heal , we continue to climb our mountain , and darkness must declare defeat . The little green things poking out of the ground are the allegory . Because of our dear Jesus , LIFE has the final word . It 's true for me - and for all pilgrims who have longed for His appearing . . . Your friend on the pilgrim road , LoriannSorry once again for the format problem . Seems it doesn 't like centered verse either ! Dear friends , Stephen can officially sit down low enough to take a bath ! Here he is practicing in a Sunnyview tub . Above he 's getting his knee cranked by Able Mary , and here he is riding the exercise bike in the Sunnyview gym . What a guy ! I was floored by the tremendous response to my " sensible shoes " post yesterday . I 'm thinking there are some major opinions out there about shoes ! You were all so encouraging , some recommending the " go for it " approach , some saying " give it a trial run " , some saying " stick with those comfy old friends your hoofs have grown to love " . I actually did purchase some black , heeled ( not too high , not too skinny ) , buckled shoes and it was a gas to wear them ! I will keep you all informed on the evolution of my life with shoes . What an absolute blast you are ! Went to bible study this morning with some of theworld 's finest folks at DFG . I haven 't been to a bible study in a dog 's age . Beth Moore 's message today was her usual first rate teaching , hitting on the subject of the true source of satisfaction . I love the company of people of faith ! It 's like brick and mortar to my own . I dare say no one can successfully navigate the pilgrim road without the strength and encouragement our fellow travellers provide . The Great One never made a single one of us to go it alone . And it wouldn 't be any fun that way either ! I continue to find there is always something more the Great One wants me to understand . About His grace , about forgiveness , about some of my own wrong mindsets . He 's always after something more for us . More freedom , more joy , more wisdom . The thing with God is , He never has a dark motive : " God is light ; in Him there is no darkness at all . . . " So He can always be trusted to do the right thing in our lives . Even when it 's painful . There 's no way God purposed the agony of a horrible car wreck for my family . That 's the difficult price of living in a fallen world where God must allow free will lest we all be puppets on some cosmic string . At the same time , He is sovereign . And He can take all thePosted by Dear friends , I am a woman who wears sensible shoes . Brown loafers , black loafers , sneakers for athletic activities , comfortable , ordinary sandals in the summer . My sensible black shoes finally wore out , and I find myself looking for another pair without much heart in the matter . You see , somehow , deep inside , I am rebelling against sensible shoes . And I don 't know why . As I look at the nice , flat , plain kind of shoes I have always worn , I pause . I see in the corner of my eye a pair of high heeled , kind of pointy ( I NEVER did pointy ) shoes with no back and a buckle . I see red shoes , and shiny shoes , and strappy shoes . I have never looked at those kind of shoes before . Those are for the non - sensible shoe ladies . Those are for the ladies who wear big necklaces and carry teeny little pocketbooks . What is happening to me ? Is it a mid life crisis , or a celebration of being alive ? I mean , I 'm not interested in buying a Corvette and driving to Santa Monica with my girlfriends . Perhaps I 'm making a mountain out of a molehill . This is the first time in 4 months I have even thought about shoes . ( The holes in the bottom of the black loafers got me on the subject ) . What do you think ? Should I let this wild thing pass , or seize the day ? My friend Joanne , the Queen of Knowing What Not to Wear , would tell me to get the pointy shoes . And a new pair of jeans while I 'm at it . But , I gotta be me . . . I 'm conflicted ! This morning the front yard was awash in turkeys . Boy turkeys fluffing out their feathers , girl turkeys playing hard to get , turkeys , turkeys everywhere . Of course when I opened the window to take their pictures they ran . I really wanted to show you , there had to be 25 birds out there . It 's really getting to be spring ! Everything is beginning to wake up . The One who keeps it all humming deserves a hand . I for one am happy to applaud . Hannah is going to have to put up with discomfort and adjustments with her partial until she is 18 . That 's the age she can begin the implant process on her 4 front teeth . She went for a tune up Posted by Dear friends , The pork chops were tough tonite , but the day was tender ! And did you notice at 5 : 45 it was still light outside ? Absolutely inspiring . Sixteen weeks ago it was dark at 5 : 17 pm when Steve and Hannah were in a catastrophic car wreck . At that time , the days were getting shorter . The darkness was closing in . Now the curtain is rising on the spring equinox , and the days are getting blessedly longer . It 's all so allegorical for me . Darkness continues to turn to light , a few minutes at a time . We still have many miles to go in this recovery . But alot of ground has been covered . Hercules walked the neighborhood again today , chatting with our neighbors who are coming out of their winter hibernation just like we are . And Hannah Mary Rejoice went shopping for eye makeup to brighten her up for spring . Sixteen weeks ago her eye was being stitched and her orbital bone was broken . Praise the Great One for all His mighty works ! In church today we sang one of my favorite hymns , " Before the Throne of God Above " . Look for it on YouTube if you 've never heard it . ( As an aside , our Youth Pastor and worship leader Greg Falco is not only an amazing human being , he is some kick - butt musician ! That piano sounds like musical chocolate when he plays ! ) Here 's my favorite part : " Because a sinless Savior died , My sinful soul is counted freeFor God the Just is satisfiedTo look on Him and pardon me , To look on Him and pardon me . " The old hymns are packed with doctrine and stand as beautiful reminders of the great truths of the word of God . It 's been said that during the dark ages the hymns held the church together . So many people were unable to read , and great superstition and error abounded . But the common folk would sing the hymns and be reminded of the reality of the gospel . God always finds a way , doesn 't He ? Nothing can stop him from reaching the human heart with the hope of forgiveness and pardon . Given my own track record , I am beyond grateful that " my sinful soul is counted free ! " God is just and merciful at the same time . Too aPosted by On Sunday , November 8th , Steve and Hannah Smith were involved in a very serious head - on collision with a drunk driver . This blog was created to provide a central source to communicate information and the Smith family 's needs . Smith Family Thanks You Dessert Night |
A dear friend of mine celebrated his birthday a week or two ago , and I offered him a quick short story as an impromptu present . As usual , it took me a little longer than I would have liked to finish it up , but here it is ! Crux is preparing for a nice , quiet birthday celebration ; however , one of his friends has different plans in motion and he doesn 't really take no for an answer . The knock on Crux 's door threatened to bounce it off its hinges . The blue - furred labrador startled on the couch he was sitting in , nearly dropping his phone . It had taken him longer than expected to respond to all of his birthday wishes . He must have lost track of the time . He shut down his texting app and checked the time - 7 : 00 PM . It was about the right time for dinner , but he wasn 't expecting anyone to show up at his apartment ; everyone knew the restaurant the quiet party had been reserved at . He chose it because it was nice and open and quiet , a relaxed spot where his … variable - sized friends could lounge and would be encouraged to behave reasonably well . After all the … excitement of the last few months , Crux could use a break . The door rattled in its frame more violently this time . Crux could feel the entire apartment tremble from the force of the knocking . He frowned ; anyone big enough to do that would probably have a hard time fitting in the narrow halls of his apartment building . It 'd be best to answer the door and walk to the restaurant as soon as possible . He didn 't want to cause any more of a scene with the neighbors , after all . " I 'm not comin ' in , pipsqueak . We 're goin ' out ! " With surprising speed for his size , Hux slipped an arm around the back of the smaller blue dog and gathered him in against his bulk . " You know how cramped these little shoeboxes you like to live in make me feel . " Crux squirmed as he was lifted off his feet and hugged against Hux 's broad chest , but it was no use . The forearm against his back was a steel beam wrapped in velvet ; that chest might as well be a moving brick wall . He wasn 't going anywhere . " Well , the apartment 's only rated for citizens eight feet tall and smaller . It 's not meant to handle someone of your size . " The giant snorted and rose as much as he could before his head crunched the ceiling . The cheap material dented easily , dusting a small shower of plaster and paint over Hux 's shoulders and Crux 's head . " Humph . ' S discrimination if ya ask me . Can 't help it if I 'm studly . Don 't you worry none , though . I know the perfect place ta go - you can get one of them sweet drinks you like and I 'll have room to really stretch out . " Crux could have sworn he felt that massive chest stretch a little wider , saw the giant 's broad shoulders push towards either wall in the hallway . The whole apartment rattled as he stomped his way towards the front door . " I … actually have reservations at another restaurant , 30 minutes from now . " " Awww , and ya didn 't invite me , little man ? I 'm hurt ! " Hux squeezed the smaller male against him and slowly , carefully hunched down low . One shoulder pushed out of the front door , and then the other . Even still , it was a tight squeeze . Crux was almost buried against the much larger torso , unable to respond for several heart - stopping moments . Even being as ginger as he was with the door , the frame still warped around the giant 's body . He ground his rear and package before slipping out onto the street with a grunt , rising to his full height with a satisfied groan . " There . Much better ! " Crux squirmed more as soon as he was able to . Hux had grown in the short jaunt from his apartment to the street ; the canine had to be at least 15 feet tall now , maybe more . " I tried to reach you ! You 're not an easy guy to get a hold of . " Hux chuckled good naturedly as he stomped his way down the block . He took up the entire sidewalk now ; other animals were brushed aside even as they scurried to flatten themselves against buildings or parked cars . " I guess that 's true . You don 't mind me tagging along , do ya ? I 'll be your plus one ! " " Of course not . " Crux allowed himself to nuzzle Hux 's chest as he was carried along . " You 're going to have to scrunch down a bit though . " Hux glanced down , an incredulous eye visible through that shaggy headfur . " Awww c ' mon , pipsqueak ! Yer killing me here ! Don 't they have rooftop service or something ? Can 't ye help a little old pup celebrate your birthday ? " " Heh . Damn right ! " Hux rumbled as he leapt over a car to move into the street . Much more room there . " We 'll go to your little dinner party , and then I 'll take you someplace where we can have some REAL fun ! " As part of the process of setting my priority , I thought I 'd make a quick note of the projects I 'm currently actively working on and where they sit on my to - do list . Of course , I 'd appreciate any feedback you have to offer on this list . Do one of these projects excite you more than the others ? Think I should be working on x instead of y ? Let me know . This is the big one : the first project for the Jackalope Serial Company has been a bumpy one so far , and I 've only managed to post thirteen parts in the first 24 weeks of the year . Making sure I make good on my promise to post weekly installments of this story until it 's done is my top priority . That means putting more work into plotting out the story , making sure I have a good handle on the settings and really solidifying how the supernatural elements of the world work . More than that , I really want to double back and edit previous chapters to " smarten " them up for posting elsewhere . By the way , this doubles as a reminder that I have a Patreon for erotic serial stories . They feature M / M content , muscle growth , giants and some violent content . If you 're interested , go here to sign up ! I definitely want to make sure that this blog is updated at least three times a week , and I 've been managing a good pace with that so far . Really , it 's just a matter of making sure I have ideas for articles ready to go when there isn 't anything more pressing to talk about , and doing my best to keep up with Friday Fiction . That 's the feature I 'm most excited about here , even if it ends up being my least - read post most weeks . Hopefully , as I get better at flash fiction , that will change . I would really love to write and submit short stories to all kinds of publications - there is a booming market for POC voices in science - fiction and fantasy , and I think that I have a unique perspective and voice to contribute to that conversation . Right now , I think writing stories to their completion , workshopping and editing them , then putting up polished work online is my best play - but there are still places I would love to submit to . For the time being , working through commissions and requests is the priority here . " A Stable Love " is draft - complete , but needs an edit ; and the poor fellow who won my short story prize during last year 's Write - A - Thon is * still * waiting for even a draft . It 's time to get my shit together here . Admittedly , I feel a little guilty about this being so low on the list . If you haven 't heard of New Fables , it 's a wonderful annual publication that features anthropomorphic characters helping us understand the human condition a little bit better . The last issue was published in 2012 , and the process of putting up the next one has been filled with stops and starts . It is * well * past time I get on the stick about doing the necessaries to get this next issue published . After that , the plan for the future of the title needs to be solidified . I ran a Pathfinder game for several friends some time ago ; due to the fact that I had much less idea what I was doing with the system than I thought I did and the fact that I needed to actually plot ahead a lot more than I did , it 's been on hiatus for a little while . However , we 're getting the band back together on July 30th ; that means I have a ticking clock to revamp characters and plot out the next phase of the story . There 's certainly work to do , and it can 't be underestimated . Today 's post is a little bit late ; sorry about that . It feels like I 've been playing catch - up since the year started ! I 'll be working double - time for a little while to try and get ahead of things . " On behalf of everyone at GBI , I 'd like to welcome you back to the fold . " Horace Bolton smiled at Gregg across his shabby particle - board desk , leaning forward to indicate his sincerity . Underneath the smile , there was a distinct nervousness that Gregg had learned to detect by scent . His boss was doing a very good job of hiding it through body language , though . The woman standing next to Horace was also nervous , but kept her emotions hidden under an impassive expression . Joyce was the office manager , and she kept the office managed to within an inch of its life . Once you understood her rules and followed them to the letter , you couldn 't have a better friend at work . She was here to translate Gregg 's sign language to the manager ; he found it wholly unnecessary , but they had insisted on providing the accommodation for him to prove how dedicated they were to keeping him employed and comfortable . Gregg signed at the expectant look Horace fixed him with , and Joyce turned to him with exacting precision . He found himself wondering if there was something about her Korean background that made her so detail - oriented , then banished the thought . " Thank you , " she said . " You 've been a vital part of GBI 's success , and I just want you to know that you have a place here as long as you want it . We 're committed to providing a comfortable , friendly environment for everyone , no matter their race , religion or species . We 're a family here . " Horace slipped into his familiar pitch . Gregg had heard it countless times at meetings and functions . He was what you would call a " true believer " . And to be fair , Horace walked the walk . He worked hard ( mostly through Joyce ) to build a culture of informal , easy - going labor . GBI was a little internet service provider that gave dial - up and high - speed access to people who had never heard of cable - or simply couldn 't afford it . Despite the marketplace the company had done well enough to establish itself in the city . They didn 't offer quite the same perks that a big corporation would , but the people were solid here . Gregg loved his job , and who he worked with . Horace smiled , letting a silence creep into the conversation for just a beat . That was the end of the introduction , apparently . He put on his glasses ; that was usually the sign that it was time to get down to business . " Now , as you 're aware , I 'm sure , there aren 't any laws on the books offering legal protections against discrimination for you … uhm , what would you prefer to be called ? " Gregg detected a tightening in Joyce . He could hear the way her suit jacket shifted around heightened shoulders . He wasn 't sure if she noticed his ear swiveling in her direction , but he signed . She relaxed when she spoke . " Br ' ers is fine as a term . " Both of Gregg 's ears swiveled forward as he signed . He wasn 't sure if he was hoping to catch his boss in something inappropriate or if he was genuinely curious . Joyce hesitated before leaning in . " He wants to know what other terms you had heard . " Alarm flashed behind Horace 's eyes . He shifted uncomfortably for just a second . " I … well , you know … . never mind , it doesn 't matter . What matters is what you prefer to call yourself . Br ' ers it is . " Horace cleared his throat and began speaking immediately to bury the moment . " As I was saying , there aren 't any laws protecting you , but I spoke with legal to make sure we added anti - discrimination clauses to the company conduct policy . I can guarantee you that you will not be paid less , looked over for a promotion or raise , or experience any hinderances to your career because of what you are . Anyone who uses slurs or engages in inappropriate behavior will be called in for a disciplinary review . If you hear or experience anything , I want you to come to me or Joyce first thing , OK ? " Gregg nodded . He wasn 't sure what to say to that , but he was sure that Horace was serious about it . It warmed him to know that someone had his back , even after all this , and was dedicated to at least trying to make sure he could live a normal life . Or as normal as it could be , anyway . " Good . Now … is there anything you need to do your job efficiently ? Some accommodation that would make you more comfortable ? I 've given it some thought … " Gregg 's nose twitched a bit more rapidly now , and one of his ears flicked towards Joyce . Her nervousness was a lot more apparent now , the stone - faced mask slipping at last . He felt that sensation transfer to him , as if he should be readying himself for something bad . This was the other shoe , he realized , and his heart sank . " … and maybe we can convert part of the storage room into a personal office . With those ears and that nose , I can only imagine how distracting sounds and smells must be for you . " Horace leaned in , a look of grave concern on his face . " It 's not too overwhelming in here , is it ? " Horace relaxed . " Ah , good . I can 't imagine what it must be like , having those senses that you do . It must be kind of like being a superhero , right ? " He chuckled . " He says that no , it 's not like being a superhero . He has good hearing , and smell , but it 's not like everything 's louder or stinkier than before . It 's just different . " " Oh really ? That 's interesting . Good to know ! " Horace smiled with the pre - emptive satisfaction of being able to correct someone else later on down the line . " And , as far as … well … using the facilities … " " … are you going to need space close to the bathroom ? My niece has a rabbit , and that thing just goes wherever it wants . I remember hearing somewhere that rabbits can 't hold it when they 've got to go , so we want to make sure you can avoid any potential accidents . " Gregg was stunned . It took him a moment to understand what was being insinuated here , and when he did his ears swept back . He looked at Horace as if he was insane , but was pretty sure the man couldn 't read his expression . Joyce frowned at him ; he was sure it was a look of sympathy . " I 'm not a rabbit , though . I 'm a man . Just different , like I said . I 've never had an accident , and I don 't plan to start now . " Horace laughed at that , long and loud . Gregg felt that initial flash of annoyance melting away , and allowed his ears to swing upright . Joyce even smiled , and just like that the moment passed . " Well , good to know . Listen , Gregg , it 's so good to have you back , I really mean that . If there 's anything you need , just ask . " Horace stood up and offered his hand . Reflexively , Gregg stood up and shook it . He allowed himself to relax . The meeting was over . It wasn 't as bad as it could have been , and now he could go back to work . This month for Fiction Friday , I 'll be giving the Br ' er scenario another try . I 'm not sure what people thought of the couple fragments I posted last month , but I wasn 't really happy with them - I think they came across far too " woe is me , poor special snowflake " and less " these are some things that folks like me have to deal with " . Not my best look , fam ; sorry about that . I 'm writing a little about what I 'd like to do with the idea here , not to prime you to read the upcoming bits of fiction in a certain way , but to hopefully solidify my intentions and use this as a guidepost to look back on at the end of the month when I want to know how I did with them . I know it 's important to let the work speak for itself , right ? But this is the first tentative step to more involved and more ambitious stories , and this writing desk here is going to be my workshop for now . I 'm writing Br ' ers as a way to dig into my experience as a black man on the fringes of black society . In a lot of ways , my folks can tell there 's something different about me just by looking - either it 's the clothes I wear , or the way I carry myself , or how I speak . There 's this impression that I give off almost immediately that codes me as " other " , and that feeling only deepens once I start talking . At the same time , I am undeniably black and the rest of the world sees me that way . I 'm lumped in with a community that has distanced me from itself by the dominant culture , and there 's not much I can do about that . I occupy this border between the world of black America and the wider one , maybe not by choice , but by simply being who I am . And here , my options are somewhat limited ; no one thing is going to be wholly satisfying . I could forsake the black community entirely and step out into the wider world in search of an adopted people . That 's what I 've done for most of my life ; in my senior year of high school I found Dungeons & Dragons , Changeling : the Dreaming and the furry fandom . I didn 't look back for 15 years . These are the people who understood me , who 've accepted me as one of their own , whose excitement I 've shared . I 've been a geek for about 20 years now ; it 's an enormous part of my identity . But over the past couple of years I 've felt a calling back " home " . Maybe it 's being in touch with my family again , learning about the first deaths that will signal many more for my older relatives , getting to talk to my nephews on the phone . Maybe it 's knowing that I had an aunt who was a lesbian and never reaching out to her ; now she 's gone and it 's too late . Maybe it 's seeing this awful parade of abuse and death to our young black men and women and thinking that it could have been my sister 's children on the news , or even my sister . Either way , something within me told me it was time to reassume this part of my identity , and I 've been working out how ever since . Learning about the black geek community has been a wonderful thing for that . These are people who 've grown up in ways that I recognize , who have experiences that I share , who love the same things I do . What they haven 't done is given up their racial and cultural identity the way I did ; they 've stayed on that border and made a settlement there . They 're influenced by both worlds - the black American culture that I 've found so difficult to deal with and the bigger , whiter space of science - fiction and fantasy . Their space looks like nothing else , this fusion of a long , painful history combined with wild and unbridled imagination . The concept of Br ' er came to me as I was thinking about how to marry my furry identity with the larger world of black geekdom . I like the idea that someone waking up one day as markedly different forces them to the fringes anywhere they go ; no matter where they are , chances are they 're the only one of their kind in the room . A new species borne out of the antagonistic relationship we have with our planet is an idea I couldn 't let go of . Br ' ers , just by being who they are , remind us of the awful things we 've done and force us to deal with that on some level . I imagine that Br ' ers were a sudden and immediate phenomenon . One day , one in twenty people - mostly in the most blighted urban areas - woke up to find themselves some weird combination of human and animal . Because the change seemed to be based on a type of environment , it disproportionately affected minorities and the poor . You know , the kind of people who tend to live in areas of urban blight . What these animal - human hybrids are called varies depending on the culture naming them ; in black circles , they 're named Br ' ers . Those who 've undergone the change feel like strangers in their own skin , even after the six months to a year has passed where our story picks up . They have to rediscover their own bodies , wrestle with strange and different appetites , move through a world that simply has no idea what to make of them . Because of the vastly different shape of their faces , they have no idea how to speak up . They 're voiceless , and any method of communication they can use as an alternative probably won 't really capture what is they 're feeling , what it is they want to say . It 's a frustrating and lonely existence , even if they know that they 're not alone , that there are other people out there like them . Their families and neighbors are weirded out by them ; this is something beyond their experience and they have no idea how to relate to them . The world at large might be more accepting , but there are trade - offs . Chances are they come from minority or low - income backgrounds , without a lot of social or political power ; they 're kind of exotic , but kind of dangerous , objects of fascination more than living breathing people . Folks will stop them on the street and ask to touch their fur , or wonder how they manage to do things with their claws , or - only when they 're drunk or feeling REALLY comfortable - ask them if what they 've heard about their sexual characteristics are true . The world of the Br ' er is one where there is almost no safe space ; your neighborhood holds you at arm 's length , anything beyond that might be well - meaning but ignorant at best and downright abusive at worst , and there 's no guarantee even among your own kind that you 'll find kinship for a whole host of reasons . On top of that , it 's a long and arduous process to find peace about yourself and who you are . You may never truly fit in anywhere , and you have to be OK with that . That 's the experience I want to capture here . It 'll take me a little while to get it right ; I 'm still a novice at writing fiction and working with subtext is something I 'm going to have to learn . But it 's an idea I believe in , and I 'll keep trying to express it until I get it right . So thanks in advance for being patient with me on this . Any feedback is welcome - even if it 's critical , even if you don 't believe in the idea in the first place . I want to hear from you . I know the first passes are going to be rough , but I sacrifice my ego to the altar of story . I will crash and burn publicly , because I want to forge myself . And here 's the next little bit . Still figuring out the setting while trying to make connections between Greggory 's experience and experiences I 've had being a " black face in a white space " . This one stems from SO MANY TIMES being the only black guy with the feeling of " you don 't belong here " heavy in the air . Oliver 's Cafe had a strawberry and cheese danish that made Gregg salivate just thinking about it . In the long weeks and months that followed his transformation , it was one of the things on a small list that he brought to mind whenever he needed something to look forward to . Under quarantine , his diet was restricted to little more than hay and various vegetables - he could eat them , but they weren 't very appetizing . The doctors and scientists discovered that it wasn 't just the features that were a mixture of animal and man ; his palate and nutritional needs had changed as well . He was technically still an omnivore , but his stomach frequently revolted a meat - rich meal and he found the smell of cooked flesh alarming , almost disgusting . Over time , once the shock of his new body had worn off , he found he preferred vegetables and fruits ; a little bit of dairy here and there ; and a powerful craving for sugar . Six months ago , Greggory had never been one for sweets . Now , he couldn 't get enough of the stuff . The cafe was on Calvert St . , right on the way to work . Greggory would stop there every morning to pick up a large cup of coffee and a danish , and this was his first day back . As he squeezed out of his small coupe and made his way across the small parking lot towards the little row of shops Oliver 's was nestled between , he felt himself tensing . This was supposed to be a small step towards normalcy , the first brick placed to put his life back in order . When he opened the door , he realized it simply wouldn 't be that simple . A sea of faces turned to stare at him . The room went quiet except for the folk - rock playing over tinny speakers . Greggory felt the burn of thirty pairs of eyes all centered on him ; half the expressions were surprise , even shock - the other half looked vaguely displeased . He had to imagine all of them were wondering what he was doing here . Greggory smiled and lifted a hand . He waved clawed fingers at the gathered , and made his way in . He had no idea how he looked , but he wished more than anything people would stop staring at him . He was used to being the only man of his kind in one of these spaces , or so he thought ; here , the difference burned at him , seeped into his skin in a way that made him feel acutely self - conscious . He felt like a foreign element contaminating the purity of a scene . He pulled out the tablet tucked under an arm and opened his writing app . His pointer claw acted as a natural stylus , but it still felt strange dragging the point of it over his screen . It wasn 't something he thought he could ever get used to , even though his doctor swore he would . At least , until he relearned how to speak . Her eyes flashed with recognition , surprise , and sympathy in the span of a second . " Oh ! Greggory , hey ! ! It 's so good to see you ! " Other workers behind the counter glanced in his direction when they heard the name . Some smiled weakly and nodded , some went quickly back to work , their expressions unreadable . " I 'm so sorry about … " Her voice trailed off , suddenly unsure . " Oh yeah , I 'm good ! It 's gotten a lot busier here since they finally finished the construction . " The barista glanced behind him , and her smile faded . " What can I get you ? " Greggory flicked an ear behind him and heard one … three … four people shuffling in line . He couldn 't see their expressions , but he didn 't need to . His chest felt tighter . He wiped his app and started writing quickly . He tried to ignore that as he wrote , flattening his ears against his head to keep from hearing any more . << I 'd like a large coffee , two sugar , three cream . And a strawberry danish . >> The barista - her name was Karen , according to her name tag , and Greggory felt a small pang of shame for not remembering - smiled at him , glanced at the line , and nodded . " I got you . Is that for here or to go ? " Greggory 's ear flicked up of its own accord , and his nervousness soured into anger . He was tempted to tell her that it would be for here , damned being late for work , and then sit in the middle of the cafe . He 'd pour his coffee into a saucer and lick it up like a God - damned animal , lift up his shirt to scratch his furry belly , pluck out loose hairs and let them flow in the air … Karen gave him a friendly and sympathetic smile , and it lightened his mood a little . " OK . Just hang on and your order will be waiting for you at the end of the bar . " Greggory stepped out of line and waited near the condiments . He could feel the eyes of people in line on him , saw people look up from where they were seated as he passed by . He did his best to ignore them , kept his ears folded , but he couldn 't help but hear the conversation of the next person in line . " So you 're serving those animals in here now , huh ? " The man was tall and white , with grey hair and blue eyes that looked down a strong , proud nose . Greggory imagined himself punching it . " He 's a paying customer here , just like you are . " Karen 's voice had a hard edge that he had never heard before . " What do you want ? " " Nothing , with that attitude . I 'll get my coffee somewhere else . " The man turned to leave . " Your manager will be getting a call from me . " " Here 's your coffee dude . " Another barista slipped a cup towards him , along with his pastry . " I gave you two pastries because … you know . Welcome back . " Something in Greggory 's heart broke open . He perked his ears , stared at the young , skinny Indian man across the counter , and nodded . He couldn 't say how much he appreciated it , but he hoped the other man knew it just the same . He walked briskly to his car , opened the door and tossed his pastries into the passenger seat . He barely managed to fumble the keys into the ignition before tears started to flow . It took him ten minutes before his vision cleared enough that he trusted himself leaving the parking lot . I wanted to find a way to marry two of my interests , and came up with this setting . I 'm still figuring things out , so the snippets will be a little rough for the next two weeks , but I thought it was time to share it . Greggory looked in the mirror and saw an alien staring back at him . There were big brown eyes spaced too far apart . There was a broad flat nose with nostrils he didn 't recognize . There were those strange lips , those big ears , features that couldn 't possibly reflect the way he saw himself . He opened his mouth wide and saw prominent incisors - four on the top , four on the bottom , stacked two deep . There were large gaps on either side , and past those he could dimly see his cheek teeth ; premolars and molars that were strange and sharp . His canine teeth were gone . It had been six months since the shift . One day , Greggory woke up and he realized he was different . His brown skin was replaced with a thick pelt of cinnamon fur ; his fingernails thickened into digger 's claws ; his features had taken on leporine traits . He was the same size , just under six feet tall , but his enormous ears extended his height by a foot or so and when he stood on the toes of long , broad , powerful feet he could tower over most anyone . A lot of good it did him . Despite the strangeness of his look , people weren 't frightened of a six - foot rabbit . One in ten people in his neighborhood had undergone the same transformation . Some had turned into raccoons , hares , squirrels - he had even heard that there were birds that hadn 't been released from the CDC just yet . Others had become something fiercer - dogs of various breeds , black bears , cougars . He had even heard of a lion or two , though he hadn 't seen them for himself . Not for the first time he wondered how he would react if he spotted one walking down the street . Would some alien instinct take over ? Would something lodged deep within his new brain leap up and take over , force him into running before he could stop himself ? A shiver raced up his spine , and he watched the fur of his reflection puff out . He sighed and brushed his chest , his arms , his shoulders . Six months with this fur coat and it still hadn 't gotten too much faster to groom himself . There were many days where he would have given anything for his pelt to simply fall away , but chances are that would make him look even funnier than he already did . " You done in there ? " A voice popped from just behind the closed door of the bathroom . It was followed immediately by a series of knocks . " Some of us have to get ready for work too , you know . " Greggory grunted his response . He swiped his tongue over the strange shape of his mouth , feeling the contours of his jaw , his palate , his gums . He had been told that he would have to re - learn how to speak ; according to the many , many doctors and scientists he had seen he should be able to do it , but it would be an uphill climb . Just one of those things he would have to do in order to re - integrate himself into society . But for now , he was voiceless . " What 's that supposed to mean ? " The voice was annoyed and confused . " Is that a ' yes I 'm coming out ' grunt or a ' leave me alone ' grunt ? " He looked at the long ear in his reflection swing towards the door . He saw that odd face crease in consternation . It was expressive , but in so many different ways . His mood has moved from the curve of his cheeks and knit of his brow towards the bounce of his whiskers , the twitch of his nose , the movement of his ears . He had learned how it all worked , but his family was still figuring everything out . " Looks like you 're almost finished . " She was trying to keep her voice even , he could tell . " I don 't know why you have to spend so long brushing yourself . Ain 't nobody going to see you . " Greggory simply grunted . He couldn 't easily tell her that it wasn 't about what other people could see , it was about how he would feel . It was bad enough that he had to go back out into the world before he felt ready ; he didn 't want to do it feeling disheveled and slovenly , too . Something must have passed through , because her expression softened . She reached up and brushed her hand through his whiskers , set it on his cheek . He flinched ; those fingers brought an explosion of sensation through him and he was still trying to figure out how to deal with that . He only relaxed when she stood on her toes and kissed his chin . It felt weird to him ; he could only imagine how it must have felt to her . " You look fine , son . Breakfast is on the table . I … didn 't have what the paper said to feed you , but I didn 't think it would matter . You 're still my boy , right ? Ain 't nothing changed . " She smiled , then pushed beside him to slip into the bathroom . He glanced at the clock ; he 'd need to be out the door in ten minutes if he wanted to have a prayer of making it into work on time . His clothes went on fast ; a loose polo shirt that didn 't aggravate his fur too much and a pair of shorts that fit a bit snug around his thighs . The sandals took the longest time ; he still wasn 't quick working those leather straps with his clawed fingers . Breakfast was not going to happen . He smelled the stench of bacon and eggs before he even got to the dining room , and his eyes glanced over the plate in vain for a piece of fruit or a vegetable . Greggory left a note next to the plate before grabbing his things and slipping out of the door . If he left now , he hoped , he might be able to pick up something on the way . Another Rainfurrest has come and gone , and I really loved the convention this year . The panels were fun and interesting , but more importantly I got to hang and chat with a bunch of people I had only known online - JM Horse , Phil Geusz , Makyo and others in the [ adjective ] [ species ] crew . There were a lot of folks from the Furry Writers ' Guild there as well , and they 're almost always delightful ! Mary and Daniel Lowd I like more and more every time I get to meet them , and seeing Munchkin , MrMandolino , Dwale and others ( too numerous to name ! ) was really excellent . I 'm so happy to see a community of writers forming and networking , talking about their craft and helping each other take their writing to the next level . These are really exciting times to be a furry writer , I feel , and I 'm lucky to be a part of that . Ryan 's books debuted over the course of the convention , and he had his book launch party on Saturday . He read the first scene from Koa of the Drowned Kingdom , an action - packed encounter with a huge , hungry crocodile that also happens to be a wonderful introduction to the characters and the unique world . He also read a scene from Forest Gods , with Doto and Clay traveling through the savannah and reflecting on the situation they 've found themselves in . Koa 's scene was great , but this scene from Forest Gods is brilliant , and it just reminded me all over again how amazing this book is . I know that I 'm his husband and I might be just a little biased , but please trust me when I say that the Fire - Bearers series is simply excellent work and I wholeheartedly , unreservedly recommend that you pick up both God of Clay and Forest Gods as soon as possible . I 'm tremendously proud of my husband for what he 's accomplished , and I 'm so excited that people get to read what he 's been pouring himself into for the past few years . I also picked up the Coyotl Award - winning Huntress by Renee Carter Hall so I could introduce myself to her writing properly , as well as the new anthology Inhuman Acts . It 's a set of furry noir stories that I 'm rather excited about ; I got to hear a snippet of one story from the FurPlanet book launch that made me buy it as soon as I could . Watts Martin , a member of my writing group , workshopped one of the stories with us , and I 'm really glad to see it found a home in the anthology . It is so good , and I 'm really glad to see Watts popping up in anthologies again , as well as working on novellas and his first novel . Which is going to be a doozy , you guys . I can 't wait for you to read it ! The reason I love conventions these days is to immerse myself in the community of folks who love furry fandom as much as I do , to have conversations about their experiences and passions , to compare notes about our work and divide the burdens we feel amongst ourselves . I also get to settle in with old friends , renewing and deepening friendships that can be stretched thin over long distances ; I get to put faces to names , and imagine tweets and blog posts spoken in the manner of their writers . I can geek out to folks I 've admired from afar for a long time . I can buy drinks for folks in exchange for a few minutes of their time . Typically , I get depressed BEFORE the convention . Usually I 've offered to be on a panel or made plans to hook up with someone , and I always worry about the panel or the meeting going terribly . What if I 'm awkward ? What if what I have to say comes out as a jumbled and confusing mess ? What if I don 't hit it off with the people I really like ? I almost never sleep well the night before a convention ; making sure that I 've remembered my clothes and my medication , worrying about how I will deal with my scatter - brain and anxiety , takes the place of a good night 's rest . Then I arrive , and almost always hit the ground running . I meet people . We talk . I laugh a lot . I connect and understand them a lot better . I feel myself becoming more entrenched in this community that I love . I feel a part of things . Happiness sinks into the core of my being , enriches into joy , grows roots that become contentment . I 'm floating by the time the convention is over , excited and rejuvenated to go back into my daily life . There is so much I want to do . There 's a certainty I feel , that I 'm on the right track , I 'm doing the right things , and I 'm resolved to keep on keeping on . I 'm so excited about my writing , guys . I 'm really looking forward to polishing my work and putting it out there . I can 't wait to see my name in anthologies , to sit in on more panels , to connect with more people . By the time Rainfurrest 2016 rolls around , I sincerely hope that people will be able to talk about the stories I have for sale at the convention - even if they have problems with them , or are curious about certain choices that I 've made . |
I will switch the subject a bit . I came across this photo on the Internet . Sadly , I don 't know who it belongs to , but I find it intriguing : I have always loved my backside caressed , groped , touched , and , of course , spanked . I love this photo , but I don 't think that we could reproduce it in real life , with both my guy and I not having strong backs . I also feel that it would work better if I were a shorter girl . Anyway , when we are standing up , he does wrap his arms around me and hold my buttocks similar to what you see in this photo . It 's nice . It 's affectionate . It also turns me on . My guy also likes when I grope his butt , too . It primarily happens when we are intimate , but sometimes I will grope him in the office where it 's not advertised to the world . He loves it a lot . I then read the fine print after I had signed up and I need to offer an individual prize . Well , I am a huge Starbucks fan , so it is only fitting that I offer a $ 25 CAD gift card . It is the perfect gift , even if you aren 't a coffee lover . I fit the mould in that I like coffee - flavoured drinks , but I can 't do coffee with cream and sugar . Starbucks has a variety of non - coffee drinks and yummy food . I am a writer by trade . Today , I had my performance review at work . Well , my manager and I ran out of time because I had a meeting to attend . He had asked our team on Monday to spend an hour indicating how we achieved our various goals . It took me less than an hour to fill out my form and send it to him . He told me that I wrote a ton . I had to remind him that it 's normal for me to write that volume in point form . He nodded in agreement . It has been a busy couple of weeks at work . Last week consisted of packing up my desk contents into a box . We have officially moved office locations as of this Monday . It wasn 't packing my stuff that made things hectic . We also had a bigwig executive who wanted an all - employee meeting at a hotel on our last day at the office . The sad part about his talk was that he didn 't use a microphone , so you couldn 't hear him for at least half the time . We also had last - team - lunch - at - the - old - office outings and such . I have spent nearly four years working in that office building . It has come to an end and a new era has begun . I have to tack on an extra ten minutes to my commute to get to the new office . It 's not bad now , but I am sure that it will feel chaotic when students go back to school next week . I am not looking forward to the new school year , but I 'll be okay once I get used to the sluggish rush hour traffic again . Last week , my guy ( MG ) was in India on business . Last Monday , I drove into work . It wasn 't until I was in the office that I got my guy 's Skype message . I wrote back to him . MG : Tried to call you this morning ( last night your time ) , but you were offline . You know that you should be online all the time , right ? Me : I tend to leave home just before 08 : 00 . Am I in trouble again ? My data connection wasn 't on . MG : Your problem , not mine . And yes , you 're in big trouble . MG : I 've warned you of being offline when I want you . You know what happens when you upset me this way . . . Me : But , it 's your fault for wanting to contact me while I am driving to work . I can 't be distracted while I drive , right ? Me : I am a good girl , so I shouldn 't be in trouble . MG : You can always pull over and tend to my needs . MG : It 's never my fault . MG : It 's your fault and your bottom will get really sore when I see you . Me : Yes , you have a point there . Me : True , but for now , by bottom is safe from Mr Meanie . MG : Not for too long . I 'll make it really red and achy . Sure enough , my guy came up to my cubicle to see me just before 17 : 00 last Monday . He needed to print out a number of documents to get across the American border and didn 't have his printer settings on his laptop . I suggested that he send me his documents and I would print them out from my laptop . I tease my guy often because he needs my help , which requires me to do more work . I say that he is slave - driving , which fits more in our role - playing scenarios than in real life . I frankly don 't mind helping him out , but I like to joke and point out that he owes me something in return . He often replies by saying that he will pay me in services , which is always nice . My guy was happy that he had all his paperwork . He told me that he had to stay at a hotel close by the airport . He would try flying out first thing the next day , which meant that he had to get up at 03 : 00 . So , we both looked for a hotel room close by for him to stay at . He selected one across from another one that I had stayed at months ago . He asked me out for dinner and said that I could choose the restaurant . I went with an Afghani restaurant that we both haven 't been to for a while . He had to head back to the training room and asked that I stop by . It was probably 18 : 30 by the time that we left work and headed in our cars to have dinner . Dinner was fabulous . My guy learned something from me . Instead of getting the huge dinner deal like he normally does , he ordered what I did , which cuts out the huge serving of rice . We had a good conversation about our career paths . We are sort of in the same boat in the sense that we both possess the most knowledge out of our colleagues in our respective departments . It 's a question of growth that we are seeking . After dinner , my guy knew that I would probably be good at guiding us to his hotel without a GPS . I was glad that I remembered how to get there for the most part . He was impressed . I didn 't want to stay there too long , for he had to get up early . He was tired , but wanted me to be there . He got himself ready for bed . We then got into bed and cuddled . I enjoy caressing his head , hugging him , and kissing his forehead . He often falls asleep in my arms , which I love . He wasn 't sleepy yet . Instead , he wanted me to jerk him off . It is rare these days that I make him ejaculate a couple of times in a day . He was horny , though . So , I helped him out . We cleaned up afterward , which is the beauty of having lots of towels in a hotel room . We cuddled some more . He lightly patted my right buttock . He continued to play with my buttocks , to the point where he was pleasuring me . It was a well - calculated climax by him , which took me by surprise and made it even more special . I snuggled up to him for a bit afterwards . I could tell that he was slowly drifting off to sleep . I told him that I would let me get some sleep , pulled the comforter over him , and tucked him into bed by giving him a goodnight kiss . He told me to drive safely home . I wished him sweet dreams and let myself out . It was around noon last Monday and my phone at work rang . I looked at the display and the call came from the training room . I knew that this phone call was both good and bad . " Hello ? " " Hey , there ! " Yep , it was my guy on the other end . " That 's not a good sign . What happened ? " I asked him . " There was an issue with my paperwork , so I was denied going through immigration , " he explained . " I " m sorry . " " Don 't be . Have you had lunch ? If not , did you want to join me across the street ? " " How about we go to our usual place ? " I suggested , as I could sense a bit of sadness in his voice . " I don 't feel like driving , " he admitted , confirming that he was disappointed . " I can drive , " I said without hesitation . " Okay . I will meet you downstairs . " I apologized to my colleagues for leaving them . We were supposed to have a team lunch , but I really wanted to make sure that my guy was okay . They were understanding . I got downstairs and my guy was looking at his phone . I told him to get off Facebook ( he can get addicted to it ) . He smiled and immediately put it away . We got into my car and drove off to our usual lunch place . We got to the restaurant and walked in . We ordered and talked . My guy 's mood improved as we continued to talk and eat . He looked at me lovingly for the longest time and said that I looked beautiful . He then changed the topic a tad . " I haven 't spanked you for a week , haven 't I ? " he asked rhetorically . " That 's because I was a good girl all last week , " I replied . " No , you are never good . I need to spank you hard , " he insisted . " No , you don 't have to , " I said with a slight smile . " Yes , I do . You are making me hard and I want you , " he said . " That 's not my fault , " I tried to explain . " Sure it is , " he insisted . " I am not sure how I am going to leave this restaurant with a hard - on ! " So , we needed to attend to our horniness . He told me that he couldn 't wait till after work . So , I drove us to our regular parking spot . We then got into the treehouse . I went over his lap again . He scolded me by saying that I am always a bad girl and slapped each buttock hard . He was tormenting me by playing with my crotch , which was turning me on . More smacks landed hard and in rapid succession . I could feel the heat generated from every smack . My butt was getting achy . I loved every moment of it . Finally , he played with me . Several minutes later , I reached orgasm . It was intense . It was a wonderful feeling . I sat up , thanked him , gave him a kiss , and rested against his chest . Once I was nearly back to my normal self , I gave my guy a handjob . He was extremely horny . He ejaculated quickly . Cum was practically covering my entire hand . He felt so good . I kissed him again as he continued to thank me . Luckily , I had enough paper towel to clean up in the treehouse . My guy actually took a brief nap because the handjob was that intense . Once he came out of his sleepy state , he was glad that he wasn 't driving . I drove us back into the office . My guy had to take care of some paperwork . He advised that he 'd come and see me about printing some documents . I looked forward to seeing him , as usual . There is a silver lining to a failed business trip . Last Monday was the day that my guy was to fly off to Charlotte , NC on a business trip . I had offered to drive him to the airport , which he accepted . We both like the fact that it gives us time to chat and to send him off on his trip on a good note . My guy said that he would leave at 11 : 30 am . I had misinterpreted that fact by thinking that he would get to the office by that time . Instead , he called me just after 09 : 00 . It 's a good thing that I tend to get to work on Mondays by 08 : 30 . " Man , you are early , " I said . " I know , " he admitted . " You can still take me across the street , right ? If not , I can take a taxi . " " Yes , I can . I will be there in a couple of minutes . " Sure enough , he was parked next to my car and was beginning to transfer his luggage from his car 's trunk . It was good to see him . He had a huge smile on his face as our eyes met . He moved his goods into my car 's trunk and we got in my car . I showed him the Magic Mount that I got for my car , which holds your cell phone securely with magnets . To make a long story short , he had debated whether to get the Magic Mount Window for his car . He has a curved cell phone , which doesn 't sit flush against the Magic Mount Window . I encouraged him to bend the magnet and knew that my guy was creative enough to do it . He actually took the encouragement to heart and did it . I was impressed and proud of him . Anyway , he liked the version that I had , but told me that it was his job to get me it . I told him that I still wanted the Magic Mount Window for my GPS , so he could still get me that . He seemed fine with that response . He 's like a sweet boy sometimes . We talked and joked as I drove him to the departures level of the terminal that he needed . I found a decent spot to park . I asked him if I could kiss him . He didn 't hesitate and we did . I also got to caress his head . He told me after we unlocked lips that it was the best way to start his day . We got out of my car and got his belongings from my car 's trunk . We hugged . I wished him a safe flight . He told me that he 'd call me , he thanked me , and walked into the terminal . We enjoyed lunch , each other 's company , and the food , like we normally do . When we were finished eating , my guy and I headed to the front and he paid for our meal . I thanked him , as usual . At lunch , you get these green melon candies . My guy has been cutting back on sugar , so he has been giving me his candy . The woman at the register is the nosier one out of the entire staff at the restaurant . She chimed in , whether we wanted her to be a part of our conversation or not . He is sweet that way . I am a couple of inches shorter than my guy , but we can wear each other 's clothes . He fits fine in my jeans . I once wore his blazer . The length of his blazer 's sleeves was fine on me . I remarked that if I didn 't have breasts that I could probably button it up properly . He told me that he was glad that I had boobs . Anyway , my guy wanted us to have some quality time after work . Once again , he 'd be on the road , heading to the United States and India within the next couple of weeks . He said that he 'd try to finish by 16 : 30 . I got there a bit later than he did . I had to change into a pair of navy shorts , which were kind of lacy . He liked them , looking at them on me as I got into the treehouse . We kissed . It 's always enjoyable . He touched my bare thighs . He didn 't waste any time to take my shorts off , followed by my panties . Sure enough , he was working on me with his magical fingers , making me reach orgasm a couple of times and feel euphoric afterward . It was great and I was dopey for a while . My guy wanted to take pictures of my giving him a handjob . He loves my hands . He finds them pretty . Of course , being dopey , it took longer for me to unlock my phone and get to my camera . Luckily , I managed to figure that out . We don 't take pictures often , but we like to now and again . We both take pictures , but we don 't have too many intimate ones of us . We rested for a bit before we chatted . My guy was flying off to the States on Monday morning . I offered to be his chauffeuse to the airport . He liked that a lot . It gives us a bit of time to kiss and hug , and I can send him properly off on his trip . Depression is an illness . My guy has been talking about his battle with depression often , which I welcome . It does worry me when he doesn 't open up , because it is difficult to tell how he is feeling . However , we talk often and he knows that I am there for him whenever he needs a good listener . I was in high school when this movie came out . My closest friends and I hit the movie theatre to watch it . We all loved it . It was inspiring , moving , tragic , funny , and more . I actually have Robert Sean Leonard 's autograph , who went on to star in House . I could identify with Ethan Hawke 's character in the movie , for I was a fairly quiet person who didn 't enjoy public speaking back then . These days , I can 't shut up ! Of course , this movie has a paddling scene . I secretly wanted to be paddled . I never told anyone that I liked this scene . Now , you all do . I own this movie on VHS . Yes , I even have a dual VHS player , thanks to living in the States and watching QVC . I don 't even know if GoVideo is still kicking around , but my double - decker VHS system still works . As agreed , I met him in a conference room on the seventh floor just after 16 : 30 . The floor was completely deserted , as expected . I had brought my short grey skirt . I decided to change out of my three - quarter - length jeans and into my skirt in this room . " Hey , you made it , " I said . " Where 's your laptop bag ? " " I left it in the training room , " he responded . " I couldn 't wait to see you . " My guy wrapped his arms around me from behind and groped my breasts . I love when he does that . He kissed the right side of my neck . It was both affectionate and passionate . I swivelled my chair around to see him . He bend down to kiss me . The kisses were long and loving . He has the softest lips . They are wonderful to kiss . I felt like melting while gently holding his face in the palms of my hands . My guy sat down in another office chair . We embraced for a good five minutes . It felt good . He gives the best hugs and I love being in them . He wanted to feel my bare legs , so my right one rested across his lap . My thighs eventually parted while my guy was feeling me up , ultimately rubbing against the crotch of my lacy black panties . He caressed my right hip , noting how smooth my skin was . He had enough room to grope my right buttock , which made me instantly wet . Moments later , I reached orgasm and came . I rested in my chair and hugged him . He was standing next to me . I reached over and put my hand on his crotch . His member was hard in his pants . I kissed his erect penis from the shaft all the way to its tip . I then licked the tip for a bit before I started sucking him . I could tell that he was enjoying it . Then , the unexpected happened . His cell phone rang . It was one of his guests from his seminar . He felt obligated to answer the phone . It was funny , but the guy on the other end was asking about the other restaurant that we had recommended at lunch . I could tell that my guy wanted to get rid of that guy on the phone . " I thought that it was something urgent , " he explained , after he had hung up the phone . " He wanted the name of the Afghani restaurant that we love ? " I asked him . " Yes . I had to quickly end the call . He was interrupting a perfectly good blowjob ! " I continued on . He was enjoying every moment of it . Normally , my guy is either lying down or reclining when I give him a blowjob . His standing up was a first . I could tell that he was about to ejaculate . I pulled his fully erect penis out of my mouth and jerked him off . He came all over my chest and his juices oozed down the right cup of my black bra . We were both happy and dopey . We both sat down . His cock was still jutting out of his pants . I was there with cum all over me . When we decided to call it a day , he sweetly kissed me on his forehead . We both went to freshen up before we headed to our cars . My guy showed me his Magic Mount Window for his cell phone . I asked him if he could get me one . He agreed . We both kissed . I caressed his head , which we both love . We then blew each other kisses as he drove off and I headed back to my car . I love music . I played various musical instruments in elementary school until my last year of high school . I don 't do it as much , but am an avid music lover . I continue to listen to a lot of music . It takes a bit of coordination to transfer a baker 's dozen of people to a restaurant . We did it . They were nice to chat with for the hour or so . The restaurant that my guy and I frequent were happy to see us . I joked to one of the nice staff there that we had brought them business on a holiday . They like the fact that we love being there and eating their yummy food dishes . My guy was kind to pay for lunch . He does it all the time and I appreciate it . We sat down and talked as the rest of the people were paying for their lunch that they were going to expense . I told my guy that I would hang out at my cubicle . We are moving to a new office in a few weeks , so I thought that doing a bit of packing would be good . I don 't exactly have much to pack , but I do have a lot of tea at work . It would be best to bring most of my stash home . I decided to watch some Web episodes of Live ! with Kelly and Michael on my laptop . I heard the door open . I knew that it was my guy , for we were the only ones in the building who had access to the top floor . " Hey , there ! " he said to me , standing at my cubicle . " Hey ! Let me pause my show . I 'm watching TV , " I explained . " It is a holiday . You can certainly do that , " he said , approving my TV - watching at work , which I don 't normally do . " It 's nice to see you . Are you taking a break ? " I asked him . " Yes , " he replied . " I thought that I 'd come up and see how good you look to me . " " You 're so sweet . " " I can 't wait till after work , " he said , looking straight at my face , chest , and further down . " Me , too . " " Let 's try the conference room on the seventh floor , " he said . " That would be wonderful , " I said . We blew each other kisses . Unfortunately , my cubicle is by the security camera . I was sitting down , so I could discretely blow him a kiss . I then stood up and my guy walked away . He did turn around when he was just under the camera and blew me a kiss in return . There are guys in Texas who monitor the footage from those cameras . It wouldn 't be right to put on an affection show for them . That show is strictly for us . My guy and I were having quality time in the treehouse . He wanted my bare legs over his lap . I was sitting and just draped them over his thighs . My position soon changed a bit . My legs remained over his lap , but I was on my back , being well - pleasured by my guy . When it came time to reciprocate , he unfastened his belt , and unbuttoned and unzipped his pants . His hard cock greeted me immediately . It was poking straight at me . Why am I mentioning this incident now ? It happened again today , except that my legs weren 't over his lap . Instead , he had plenty of opportunity to touch them . More about that soon . By soon , I mean this week ! It is a long weekend for most of us in Canada . In Ontario , we have Civic Holiday on Monday . Unfortunately , my guy does not have the day off . He wrote to me yesterday , indicating that he is back home from his camping adventure . It sounded like he needs another vacation to recover from this vacation . I can relate , especially when you cram so many activities that you want to do that you don 't feel like you have done any relaxing . My guy has a seminar at work on Monday , which is only several hours from now . Since there aren 't any restaurants open in our office area , he has to take his guest someplace for lunch . I offered to help drive some of them , as I am sure that there will be more than four people in his group . My guy 's car can 't hold everyone . He told me that he looks forward to seeing me . I do , too . I can 't wait to hear about his vacation adventures . He has also told me that I break up his day nicely . He enjoys eye candy now and again , especially after camping with a bunch of guys . My guy has a fuzzy backside , which I absolutely love . I can 't explain exactly why I feel that way , other than the fact that he has been the first guy that I have been with who does . It 's not like he is so hairy that he needs to shave his butt often , but it 's fuzzy and nice to the touch . My guy has always said that I am an affectionate person . I love to kiss and hug . I enjoy holding hands with my guy when we are walking to a store or into a restaurant . When we are sitting next to each other , I squeeze his thigh or I caress his back . I am a touchy - feely girl . My guy is equally as affectionate . He will tenderly kiss my forehead now and again if he is walking by me while I am reading or watching TV . He will reach for my hand and kiss it . He loves to hold me in his arms . I love all of that . From time to time , after a bare - bottomed spanking , he will caress my sore bottom . He will go one step further and either kiss my hip area or a bit lower . It 's sweet . He is the first person who has ever done that . It doesn 't happen too often . When it does , it 's meaningful and special to me . Not every guy would . Then again , I have no qualitative or quantitative data to back me up . Maybe I should consider such a study one of these days . It would be fun and fascinating , especially when my guy is a participant and skews the results ! Thursday Bear had to go for a 12 month check up at his eye specialist . Can 't believe its already that long since his first operation . Anyway as you all k . . . I 've seen Terps ' fun , " one word answer " meme going around lately . Sadly , I 've been more of a lurker , than a blogger in more recent days . I have enjoyed . . . Do you ever feel like putting a worm on a piece of paper and circling it with big red sharpie ? The past week has been like that for me . There has been so . . . The votes for the Spanking Romance Reviews Reader 's Poll Best of 2016 are In ! Drumroll please … . Best Overall Spanking Romance Jewel 's Gems by Maggie Ryan . . . It had been one of those few days . Nothing either of us could do seemed right to the other . We were rubbing each other up the wrong way . Well H was annoyin . . . Well , it has been a long time since I have been blogging . I would like to say , the delay has been caused by being busy , but that is not the reason . Most . . . A good friend of mine wrote this sci - fi sex story and I thought some of my friends here might enjoy it . It 's free on smashwords ! " Blink to Share " is fun ro . . . So , I 'm ' officially ' all better . The doctor said the autoimmune stuff is in remission , the surgery I had last year is all healed up and better . I can do al . . . " I want you to bend over the chair and get a good grip on the seat . " Gloria 's eyes widened at her girlfriend 's demand . Over the last few days , Jennifer had . . . My hotel room is fancy . It has a nice shoe - shining kit . I looked at the shoehorn and thought that it would make a nice spanking implement . . . . My guy has meetings with a client all week . These meetings end at 15 : 00 . It was wonderful seeing him with a blue long - sleeved shirt on today . . . My guy tends to ask me what I want when he wants to give me a gift . He 's sweet . I don 't need anything , but he insists . My birthday . . . I am finally done packing . I leave in roughly twelve hours . I am officially on vacation and it feels great . I have the sweetest co - op stud . . . The other night , I went to see a concert . I had a fabulous time ! I used to work downtown . I have a particular parking lot where I park and . . . |
Mom and Dad got a new camera , upgrading from their old Canon PowerShot A40 2 . 0 megapixel camera to a PowerShot A720 8 . 0 megapixel camera . Quite a leap from 40 to 720 . . . it means that Mom and Dad are now following us around the house taking all kinds of pictures of us just to take pictures to see what the camera can do in this light , or that light , or this mode . This was Dad 's first cat picture he took on the new camera . He was really excited about it . I like how it focused on my eye . . . good depth of field in the macro setting . I just hope they let us relax since it is Easy Like Sunday and all , and don 't flash us with the camera too much . It 's raining today , which is perfect napping weather ! [ Laurence Simon is hosting his final go at the Carnival of Cats before passing it off in the new year . I 've never participated in the carnival of cats , although I linked to Is Full of Crap years ago . My Uncle Doug pointed me to Is Full of Crap and I would visit it infrequently and randomly , but I just wanted to acknowledge what he did for us cat bloggers . I know he 's stepping away from the cat blogging , but he did a lot to pave the way for a lot of us cat bloggers , and it 's important to send head bumps and purrs to cat blogging pioneers like him . Thanks , Laurence , for all you 've done for us blogging cats ! ] I missed the PhotoHunt last week because Mom and Dad left the computer off when they went out of town , but we 're back . Today 's theme is messy and I think Maggie is going to take the lead in these photos . . . Most of you probably remember this picture of Maggie making a big ol ' mess of the toilet paper in the guest bathroom ( now stored in the cabinet ) , but I think this picture fits the theme best . But Maggie isn 't always messy , either . She takes a lot of pride in her cat stroller . Here she is doing some maintenance on her cat stroller so that it doesn 't get messy and break down on us during a walk . She 's checking the tires , looking for pebbles that may have gotten stuck in the tread that may make the ride rough , which can make a mess of a good stroll . We 've been waiting , as patiently as cats can , for Mom and Dad to come back home , and guess what . . . they finally came home ! They said they went way far away to Mississippi and Alabama and saw the Gulf of Mexico . I don 't think I 'll ever go to any of those places , they sound too far away for me to ride in the car , and Mom and Dad came back tired , so obviously you can 't catnap in those places so it 's no place for me . You can see here Josie did a great job watching for Mom and Dad . She said if she ever went to the Gulf of Mexico she 'd have to stay in one of those houses with a widow 's watch so she could watch over everything because that 's what she does best . ( We need to tell everyone that Mom and Dad 's friend Tish has been promoted to Aunt Tish status after checking in on us the whole time . She freshened our litter boxes , gave us treats and water and food , and even vacuumed before Mom and Dad came home - - no evidence of any parties - - don 't tell Mom . Aunt Tish is a superstar ! ) We are all sitting , eagering awaiting Santa . Huggy Bear keeps watching the tree . I tried to tell him Santa won 't come until he goes to sleep , and that that is why I keep going to the closet and sleeping under Dad 's pants that hang low and make a warm spot for me . We hope Santa brings you everything you asked for and more ! Merry Christmas to all , and to all a good night ! PS . I think Dragonheart 's little brother is just the cutest Christmas present I 've seen all year ( not that I 'm asking for a kitten or anything . . . ) . Huggy was a big helper the other day . Mom and Dad were gathering up the gifts from under the tree ( and pretty much emptying the tree of gifts ) so they could mail them out to the nieces and nephews . Huggy Bear thought it was best to go ahead an make sure there was plenty of room for all the gifts , and to ensure that the box could withstand the weight of the gifts . I did caution Huggy Bear to be sure to get out of the box before Mom got it all taped up and ready to mail ( he did ) or there would be another Christmas present in Knoxville . . . Well , as you may have noticed , we have not been visiting your blogs and commenting on all the amazing and adventurous things that are going on in your lives as much lately . It 's all Mom and Dad 's fault . So here are Mom and Dad 's 13 lame - o excuses why they haven 't been letting us go visiting . 1 . Christmas shopping - - really ? Because we all know they did the majority of the shopping on the Friday after Thanksgiving . 2 . Wrapping gifts - - OK , Mom did go to Dad 's work and wrap a bunch of gifts for everyone there so they didn 't have to do it at home , but what was that , three days ? Not a convincing excuse . 3 . Holiday baking - - sure , Mom did some baking , but she was up into the wee hours of the night . What was she doing for the rest of the day ? We could have used her thumbs to help us visit blogs ! 4 . Company - - their friend Chris visited on Sunday through Tuesday , and he did have Mom busy . He was nice , although he did accidentally lock HB and Maggie in the dark garage for about 15 minutes . So maybe this one is OK . . . maybe . 5 . Cleaning house for visitors - - honestly , Mom and Dad keep a neat house , but they haven 't been doing any hardcore cleaning . 6 . Working on their own blog - - fat chance of that . . . they have been behind on the human blogging for a while now with very random and haphazard posting . 7 . Dad 's working on the cars - - after poking under the hood of the VW ( have you ever looked at the engine of a VW - - it 's encased in plastic and you can 't really do a darned thing , but anyway . . . ) after looking under the hood of the VW Dad realized something for sure - - he 's no mechanic . He checked the oil in the Maxima , but has no idea where the coolant is leaking from in the VW . Yeah , so after 15 minutes he still knows nothing . That leaves plenty of time to get back in here and help us blog . 8 . Christmas cards - - sounds like a good excuse for sure , but reality is the cards just went out this week ( a little late by Mom 's standard ) , so this one doesn 't really fly . 9 . Time going by at double - time - - well , time is going by faster . My naPosted by Maggie loves being under the tree ( and in the tree . . . ) and she has been camping out under the tree and tucked in amongst the presents a lot . Since it has cooled down I think she 's under the tree even more , probably because it is nice and warm . This is one of Mom and Dad 's favorite recent tree pictures of her . She 's all tucked in as far back and under the tree as she can be , and peeking through the branches like a jungle cat . But don 't worry , unless you 're getting treats or crushed ice , there 's little chance of her bounding out from under the tree any time soon . Huggy Bear can be such a challenge to get good pictures of because he 's such a house panther . But every now and then , when the lighting is just right and he 's sitting just still enough we manage to get a good shot of him . Here , HB is sitting in front of the fireplace screen . He likes to sit on the black marble against the black fireplace screen and disappear into a shadow where he can watch everything go on and not be seen . Today 's Photo Hunters theme is small . There were several options for small and , since I featured myself last time , I didn 't want to leave anyone out this week . So here goes . . . For starters , I like to get in small things . . . small boxes , small spaces , or in this case a small basket . Believe it or not , although I look uncomfortable and about to tip over , I actually was really happy here . When Josie came into our family , she was really small . Her collar could barely stay on . She 's grown up , but Mom and Dad say she 's still small compared to us big boys . Huggy Bear was once small too . . . I have proof . Here he is with Josie . When they were kittens they used to nap together . Here 's more proof that Huggy Bear was small . You can actually see under his belly without having to push back all his floofy hair ! And of course what would be a small PhotoHunt without small Maggie . We had so many small pictures of her , but when I hunted past this one Dad chuckled a little at the contrast of Maggie and me . ( I did have a small picture of myself , but since I ended up in half these pictures I figured you 'll see more of me again soon . . . ) Thanks Abby and Boo for the wonderful Secret Paws gift ! I can 't tell you how excited we were when Dad came in from hunting and brought the box in . Mom had been feeling run down and sniffelly and this brightened her day too . Maggie and Josie were so excited when Dad put the box down for us . Maggie started clawing and headbutting the box right away , while Josie investigated carefully , as she always does . Josie read us the card from Abby and Boo ( Mom taught her to always read the card first . . . ) . Mom helped lay everything out for us so we could investigate and pick our favorites . It 's a tough call to pick a favorite . Huggy Bear and Josie decided to share the gold glittery ball , but Huggy called it first and played first . He was nice though and let Josie play with it shortly thereafter . Of course the Temptations were a hit ! ( This is me " resisting Temptation " - - hehe ) Thanks again Abby and Boo for this excellent Secret Paws gift ! We 'll be enjoying it for a long time . And we helped Mom pack up our Secret Paws package to go out . . . just one more thing to complete it and it 'll be in the mail Saturday . The other day Maggie was sticking out her tongue at us . Huggy Bear , Josie and I have discussed why we think she 'd be sticking out her tongue . These are our guesses . . . 1 . She 's a sassy little girl and is showing us all . 2 . I called her " naughty " and showed pictures of her in her naughty t - shirt last week and she 's not happy with me . 3 . : : raspberry : : 4 . She was sleeping in front of the space heater ( before it turned hot outside ) . 5 . She thinks she needed some pink in the picture to offset her fur . 6 . Dad used day - old milk in his cereal and she drank some . 7 . Tired of the same old treats . 8 . She 's expressing her disappointment that all those new toys and treats coming into the house are for Secret Paws and not for her . 9 . She 's really a snake . 10 . Girls just like to razz boys any way they can . 11 . She 's the youngest so she knows she can get away with bad behavior . 12 . She told a joke and we didn 't laugh so she suck her tongue out at us . 13 . She didn 't think Santa Claws was looking so she had to get the " bad " out of her system real quick by sticking her tongue out at me . I 'll just roll overOriginally uploaded by jenianddean Josie loves the guest bed , especially when it 's made and the morning sun is shining in . She will curl up , stretch out or just roll around on it . I think she was begging Mom for some tummy rubs here . And , really , how could Mom resist ? We are big helpers ! Originally uploaded by jenianddean Some cats may say it 's not very Mancatly to play with your sister and fold laundry , but I disagree . Mom and Dad were fluffing the sheet up to fold it and I did a complete cannonball into the middle of the sheet . Josie thought it looked so fun that she joined in . Mom and Dad even had fun with it watching us pounce the sheet and chase the wrinkles . I have been wanting to start doing some PhotoHunting but just hadn 't gotten around to it , what with all the napping and decorating to do , but today 's PhotoHunt theme was just too appropriate to pass up . I knew I had a perfect long picture , me stretched out on Mom and Dad 's bed ! Huggy Bear had requested that I use a picture of him stretching on the kitchen floor , because he does that a lot ( and Dad keeps taking the picture like it 's something new he 's doing ) , but I don 't think I 'm being rude by telling HB that for the first one I want it to be me since I to the work on the blog , and they just get the glory . I promised him that he 'll get a turn soon . Oh Maggie , Maggie , Maggie ! : : shakes head : : You see , Maggie has this thing for the toilet paper roll , but it seems to only be the one in the hall bathroom . The other day Dad found it on the floor , so he thought he 'd be bright and put it on backward ( backward to him is rolling under , not over ) so when Maggie tried to unroll it it would just spin instead . Well , Maggie showed him ! As you can see , Maggie went into shred mode , making TP confetti instead of just unrolling it . She even put the toothy death on the roll ! I like the paper hanging from her mouth . . . nothing quite says caught - in - the - act like that ! And of course the finished product . . . Maggie managed to knock the entire roll in the trash can , where it belongs after her work . PS Mom finally posted the raspberry almond cake on her kitchen blog . Mom loves to get pictures of me all stretched out especially on my back . Well the other night she and dad were downstairs watching TV ( and trying to keep Maggie out of the Christmas tree ) , I went upstairs and snuggled in for my evening nap in mom and dad 's bed . I love having that big bed all to myself . No Maggie , Josie , and no Huggy Bear - just me , me , me . I was enjoying my dreams of crunchy treats and chasing orange fuzzy ball , then all of sudden FLASH in my eyes . There was mom saying things like " Awwww . . . he 's so cute " " Look at his question mark tail " " I love his white spot - remember when he was a kitten " " Gosh he really is very floofy . " I tried to ignore her , but she decided to take a squillion pictures . I have to admit , I did do a little posing for her , but I was annoyed while I was doing it . Then she gave me tons of tummy rubs and kisses , so I forgave her for waking me up . Mom and Dad insist on buying t - shirts for Maggie . I hope this trend remains a " Maggie thing " because I don 't want to have to put a hairball in their shoes anytime soon . As it goes , I think Maggie gets the shirts because they fit her , and she 's starting to get used to it . She 's no fashionista like Daisy , but she tries her best . Mom tried to bribe Maggie with treats , but Maggie was a little unsettled by the t - shirt on her back and just sniffed them . You may notice this is no ordinary t - shirt , though , it is a " Naughty " t - shirt , so maybe that 's why Maggie is wearing it . They must have known that she 'd be playing with the tree and the ornaments , so they got her a naughty Christmas t - shirt so everyone knew . Despite her naughtiness , she tried her best to be a good model . ( And later she did admit that she thought it was cuter than her other shirt that fits her more snugly . ) Peek - a - booOriginally uploaded by jenianddean Huggy Bear just loves to poke around the corner and keep tabs on things . His favorite spot is in the upstairs hall bathroom , half on the cool floor , half on the carpet , peeking around corner where he can monitor both Mom in the office and the activity from the top of the stairs . This is his second favorite spot , in the space between the garage door and the kitchen , waiting for treats or a piece of ice to chase and play with . Mom and Dad worked hard today to get the Christmas tree up in the living room . To Mom and Dad , it is a Christmas tree . . . to Maggie , it is her favorite toy that she only gets to play with one month out of the year . Even before all the balls were on the tree , Maggie had climbed more than halfway up , knocked a few balls off , and been sprayed with the squirt bottle . Huggy Bear is trying real hard to teach her that you can lay under the tree and enjoy the tree without getting into trouble , but right now Maggie isn 't listening . Thank goodness for Martha Stewart 's shatterproof ornaments or we might have a pretty bare tree . Question : Do all moms think they are funny ? My mom sure thinks she 's funny . Look what she did to my beautiful fur . I was up in bed with her , and she was giving me my morning brushes , and then all of a sudden she was brushing me the wrong way ! And then she started laughing and taking pictures . Let me tell you something , I was not happy , not happy at all ! My beautiful ginger fur sticking up all over the place like that . What will kittens think ? ? ? Well she did brush it back down and gave me lots of snuggles afterwards , but that 's not the point . So I 'll ask again , do all moms think they are funny ? Let me know . We got so many great comments and questions about Josie 's Wordless Wednesday yesterday that I thought I 'd to a Thursday Thirteen of answers ( and a few thoughts , too ) . . . 1 . Josie was helping Mom bake a cake for Thanksgiving at Dad 's work . 2 . This is an old Williams - Sonoma recipe from one of the cookbooks that Mom has been making for about 14 years now . 3 . It 's one of those recipes where when you go to open the cookbook it opens straight to that page . 4 . Josie didn 't get to eat any of the cake , but Mom did let us taste the icing and let 's just say YUM ! 5 . The cake didn 't last long enough to share , but I 'll ask Mom to post it on her kitchen blog soon , because I know she took pictures of it . 6 . Dad said it was one of the best ones she 's ever made , and the raspberries were some of the best raspberries we 've found since moving to South Carolina . 7 . The cake has raspberry jelly between the layers , which brings me to a funny story . . . 8 . . . . Once , when Mom was first making this cake , before we were around , Mom had another cat named Fluffy who was helping in the kitchen . . . 9 . . . . Mom was melting the jelly for the in - between layers when she touched some metal on the pan and burned her hand . . . 10 . . . . as she burned her hand , she dropped the pan and melted raspberry jelly went all over the place , and all over Fluffy . . . 11 . . . . fortunately , Fluffy was very fluffy and did not get burned , but Mom rushed him to the bathroom and he licked and licked and licked the jelly off before Mom could get him cleaned . 12 . ( I bet it tasted good , but I don 't know if I want jelly splattered on me . . . ) 13 . And a totally random thought . . . Mom and Dad watch Lost , and really enjoyed reading Hurley 's blog ( OK , the actor 's blog ) . . . it 's very fun , and there 's a post about them feeding the cats that they find in a parking lot near Roy 's . PS We got our Secret Paws ' names ! We are so excited ! ! And as always . . . Thank you , thank you , thank you to DKM ! Warming Tracey and Clay 's bedOriginally uploaded by jenianddean When company comes it means we have increased responsibility . Maggie 's job was one of the high - demand jobs around the house - - warming up the guest bed . Mom and Dad try to stop us from doing this when Aunt Tiff comes ( something about allergies ) but Maggie was all over this job before Tracey and Clay and Garrett came for Thanksgiving . You can see how hard she 's concentrating on her nap here . That 's dedication . So whatcha thinking about Huggy Bear ? Originally uploaded by jenianddean We had company for Thanksgiving . Mom and Dad 's friends Tracey and Clay flew in from Iowa and brought their two - and - a - half - year - old son Garrett with them . Garrett was fascinated with us , but Huggy Bear ( Huddy Bear to Garrett , whose nose was stuffed up ) was the one who was Mancat enough to dare to be near Garrett . Maybe it was because HB weighed the draw of the turkey scent over the fear of sticky fingers , maybe he was drawn in by someone who wanted to play feathers - on - a - stick with him , but by the end of the weekend Garrett was sitting in Dad 's lap watching Conjunction Junction over and over again ( he liked trains a lot ) and HB was laying pressed up against Dad 's leg letting Garrett gently pat him . Although we were a little out of sorts with the little guy around , it 's only been a day and we miss him already . Thanksgiving means getting a little extra down time around the house , but it also means company and the oh so wonderful smell of turkey wafting through the house . We have friends of Mom and Dad 's visiting from frozen Iowa ( our windows are open right now . . . ) and their little soon - to - be - three - years - old son Garrett visiting . Garrett has been playing with us a lot ( and wearing us out so we will sleep hard , and hide under beds ) . ( The smell of turkey is currently overriding Huggy Bear 's misgivings about Garrett and he 's spending a lot of time snoopervising in the kitchen . . . ) Since this is Thanksgiving , it is time for us to give thanks . Maggie said she is thankful for her orange blanket that she loves to sleep on and nuzzle , for treats , and her high napping spot in the garage . Huggy Bear is thankful for morning treats when Dad first goes downstairs , for Maggie who always wants to hang out with him , and for not getting fussed at when he begs for turkey . Josie is thankful for brushes under her chin , and the coat closet hiding place , and special Mom time when Josie gets under the covers and snuggles against Mom 's leg at night . I am thankful for my sink to nap in , my catstand to nap in , and brushes on the corner of my mouth . We are all thankful for our family , our wonderful blogging friends and the good health of everyone . Have a Happy Thanksgiving and I hope everyone gets some turkey today ! Since mom was so rudely gone all day Monday and I didn 't get to post a Mancat Monday picture , I decided to do a two for one today . Here is a picture of my giant mancat paw on my mom 's leg . I 'm giving her the business for not being home all day yesterday . Please note my winter floof coming out from between my toes . Here is a side of my giant paw . Look at all that winter toesie floof ! We all nap like pros , but Maggie has been the big cuddler . We suspect that Mom and Dad are keeping the heat set low so that we 'll be more apt to snuggle with them . So far , it 's working with Maggie who has been sleeping pressed up against Mom all night , every night . Here she 's tucked deep into the comforter that Mom was resting under downstairs while watching some football . Mom and Dad just love how she rests her chin on her little paw . I guess as sisters go I could have done worse . . . Dad says we are starting to get our winter floof . What do you all think ? Is anyone else getting their winter floof ? I have tons of extra floof between my toesies . I guess I 'm supposed to go outside in the snow or something . I don 't think so . We are indoor cats . It 's nice and cozy in here . ( Also we don 't get much , if any , snow here in South Carolina . ) PS Aunt Tiffy - I will trim my toesies before you come and visit for Christmas . I know how my toesie floof bothers you . But if I trim my toesie floof for you , what are you going to do for me ? I hope whatever it is it comes in the shape of catnip or a new mousie . Thanks ! ! Well I unfortunately don 't have time to give all the details , but dad locked Maggie in the linen closet all night . He says it was an accident . Maggie is fine . The funny thing is I don 't think she cried or anything to get out . I 'll tell the rest of the story this afternoon . As Paul Harvey would say , and now for the rest of the story . . . You see , Mom and Dad have company coming for Thanksgiving ( well , I guess technically we all have company coming , but Mom and Dad are doing all the prep work for the visitors ) , and Dad was putting the towels away last night . As he did this , Huggy Bear rushed into the linen closet and curled up in the bottom . Well , Dad saw HB there and left the linen closet open until HB decided he was done . It was late and Dad did a quick check ( obviously too quick ) and thought the closet was empty and shut the door and went to sleep . There were no audible protests from Maggie , and Mom and Dad didn 't even notice us come to her rescue and camp out at the door as we sometimes do when one of us is locked in somewhere . Fast forward to morning , to top things off , Dad overslept by almost an hour . So poor Maggie wasn 't just stuck in the linen closet , she was stuck in the linen closet for an extra hour . Dad woke to realize that his carpool ride was sitting in the driveway . He called her to say to go on without him and he went to the linen closet to get a clean towel and wash cloth ( good thing he 's dirty and showers every day ! ) and when he opened the linen closet there was little Maggie , curled up in the bottom of the linen closet in a nest of wash clothes she had pulled down . She had picked at the carpet some like she had tried to dig her way out , but there were no " accidents " ( although Dad may get an " accident " on his pillow if he does this again . . . ) . Maggie got some " we 're so sorry " treats from Mom and now she 's acting OK , hanging out with Mom and cleaning her a little . peek - a - booOriginally uploaded by jenianddean Maggie loves to smack her toys under the couch . The way she tells mom and dad that her favorites are under there is she gets down really low , and stares under the couch like there is a bug under there . Then dad or mom gets down and looks under the couch . It 's really hard to tell what you are going to find under there . This day it was a green crinkle ball , an orange ball , a green mouse , and a Dots candy box from Halloween . Maggie loves to play with candy wrappers . Silly sister ! What began as stories about me quickly became stories about we . . . I 'm Jasper ( orange ) . I live with Josie ( tuxedo ) , Huggy Bear ( house panther ) and Maggie ( tabby ) . |
Category : Mental Health I 'm Free This is a journey that changed me on every level . I am stronger now , wiser and confidence is abounding from me every day . I have found peace . June 13 , 2017June 15 , 2017 FreedomWithin : My Journey through Domestic Violence and PTSD1 Comment " This is a disturbing case of violence against a woman and her children occurring over the course of a 13 year relationship . The three children of the relationship witnessed being physically assaulted and humiliated by there father . The youngest child was subjected to physical abuse starting at the age of 16 months . The father desires access with the children . He will have no access " 31 days ago I received the best Mothers Day present ever ! I received the Judgement on my Divorce & Custody Trial . Just over a year ago I went back to Court for the final time . It was to have my divorce granted and for the Judge to decide on the custody of my three beautiful children . My now ex husband decided not to participate in the trial . We waited over an hour for him to appear , called what contact numbers the Court had with no answer . So the Court proceeded . At the end of the first day he called the Court room and spoke to the clerk . He said he would not be attending the trial , that he had to work and he was refusing to participate in this trial . The Clerk told him that we would then proceed without him . Over three days Expert Witnesses were brought forward ; our long time Family Doctor , my children 's Counsellor and the Custody & Access Assessor . All testified to the mental health of the children , what they had endured while with their father and since as they have been recovering . I also testified , giving light to what it was like in our abusive home . How I was abused when pregnant , physically assaulted & humiliated in front of the children . I told her how my son had been physically abused by my ex starting at the young age of 16 months . The Judge heard how most of us have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a result of the abuse . Judge J Wilson concluded that due to the extreme level of violence in my marriage that having the children in the presence of their father again would be damaging to their health and well being . She feared for their safety . In a country where Joint Custody is normally granted , even when there has been abuse , the best we have had to hope for was supervised visits , but Judge J Wilson broke new ground . I was awarded sole custody and he will not be granted any access and I have been granted a lifetime restraining order against him . We . Are . Finally . Safe . ❤ Yesterday was my last day as Mrs G . My ex had also received the Judgement and had contested nothing so it was the end and a day of reflection for me . I married him with so much love , but there was also so much denial . There were red flags that I ignored . I believed we would love each other enough and it would be ok . Every one said I was so amazing for him , that I was the best thing that ever happened to him so how could we not be ok ? But we weren 't . Past blogs will tell you that . It was a marriage full of violence , fear and pain . These are all things that I can now leave behind me . I can finally close that door and live a new peaceful life with my children and my fiancé . I have had some amazing people support me on this journey . Family , friends and many Professionals . People who supported me when I wanted to give up , who listened and cheered me on whenever I faced another Court date . I am so grateful for each and everyone of them . This is a journey that changed me on every level . I am stronger now , wiser and confidence is abounding from me every day . I have found peace . A friend shared a song with me yesterday called " Free " by Jann Arden It is so fitting . I am finally free . I leave you with this song . Peace be with you . I love writing for free , but with three kids it can get tight . So if you like what I write feel free to make a donation towards my work . Please click on this Paypal link ; PayPal . Me / JanetBrownlee to make your donation . Thanks ! Share this : TwitterPrintFacebookGooglePinterestEmailPocketLinkedInTumblrRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted in domestic violence , Mental Health , recovery from abuse , UncategorizedTagged Abuse , breaking free , child abuse , Confidence , Court , domestic violence , Family , family court , healing , Mental Health , Moving Forward , recovery , support , survivor Victim Blaming and the Lies they tell you June 5 , 2017 FreedomWithin : My Journey through Domestic Violence and PTSD1 Comment The first time my ex was arrested for assaulting me was July 2009 . He was actually arrested for assaulting myself and our toddler son . Like so many other abusive relationships the abuse had been escalating prior to his arrest . He was relentless at screaming at me , at abusing our young son and physically abusing me . Our oldest daughter , who was 7 , was telling me that she wished we would get divorced , that she was scared of her dad and wanted all of this to stop . I wanted it to stop too . I would ask him to stop , I would raise my voice , I would stand in between his fist and our son , I kicked him out and he would just come back . It was horrible and there seemed to be nothing within my power that could make it all stop . I felt helpless . So one evening I dropped our daughters off at a Vacation Bible School and I pushed my stroller , with my young son in it , and walked into our local RCMP detachment . I was met by some officers . I looked at them point blank and said , " You need to help me . My husband is hurting us . " I was taken into a back room and just started talking . I did not know what they needed to know or what I was supposed to say I just started letting it all out , telling the officer every detail of what had been happening at home . I was shaking as I left . I could not believe I had told everything I had told . Perhaps now the kids and I would find peace . I went and picked my daughters up at the Vacation Bible School and then wondered , " Where do I go ? " I had no idea . For the longest time I sat with the kids on that church lawn not knowing what to do next . I could not go to my in laws , I did not have a close friend in town to call on , where could I go ? I called a friend who lived in the next town over . We hadn 't seen each other in awhile but hopefully she would be ok with us coming to her home . Thankfully she was and soon I was sharing my story with her and her husband in their living room waiting for the RCMP to call . It was not until 10 : 00pm that I received a call that it was ok to come home . I was told that he had been arrested , then allowed to leave in our van and that his plan was to go to his moms in a city nearby . I breathed a sigh a relief . It was over . Or so I thought . It really was not over . I came home to a ransacked house . There were things all over the floor , it was obvious to me that my ex had not gone easily . My friends husband made sure the house was secure and I put my kids to bed . After my friend and her husband left I sat on my couch for hours in silence , just staring at the wall . I was literally stunned . The silence stunned me . I was so used to his endless screaming I almost did not know what to do in the silence . So I just sat there for hours doing nothing . At about 2 : 00am I wrote an email to my family telling them of the abuse and the arrest . I had kept them in the dark for over a decade . I then finally went to bed . I had a Lawyer tell me , " They will blame you . A lot . But you did not get him arrested . His actions did and in Canada the Crown charges him not you . You did the right thing . " I knew in my heart that I had done the right thing . I knew that I had begged him to stop so many times . I started to tell those who blamed me ; " I didn 't get him arrested . All I did was tell them what he was doing . The RCMP and the Crown decided that was he was doing was illegal . If it was not illegal they would not have arrested him . " Victim blaming happens by the perpetrator to deflect what they have done so that they do have to take responsibility . It is done by their supporters so that they too can deflect and not admit what really happened . For some people it is easier to keep lying to themselves then face the truth . Unfortunately this behaviour only continues to abuse the victim . If you have been subject to victim blaming I want you to know that what happened is NOT your fault . It is the abusers . It is highly unlikely that they will ever take responsibility for what they have done . To take responsibility they have to want to change and abusers like the power abusing others gives . In their head , why would they change ? I want you to know that no matter what those blamers say you are not what they say . You are not the nasty names they may call you . They may try to say that it is your fault too , that it takes " two to tango " in a relationship for there to be problems . The thing is that when it is an abusive relationship you are not having regular arguments . It is about one person wanting power and control over another and they are achieving that through fear and intimidation . They are overpowering you , not arguing about what is for supper that night . What they are doing is completely and absolutely wrong and illegal . The abuser is the one who needs to take responsibility not you . Period . The victim blaming that happened after my relationship continues to this day , but I have walked away from it . I no longer care what any of his supporters say about me because I know it is not the truth and I am confident in who I am and that I did nothing to deserve the abuse that happened to me . It is a freeing feeling to walk away from it all . I encourage you to do the same if you are caught in it . If you are thinking of leaving your abusive relationship I encourage you to create a Safety Plan . Like a how a fire drill helps you safely escape a fire , a Safety Plan helps you safely leave an abusive relationship . Please check out this link ; http : / / verbalabusejournals . com / how - stop - abuse / safety - planning / Scroll down the page it opens to download it for free . I love writing for free , but with three kids it can get tight . So if you like what I write feel free to make a donation towards my work . Please click on this Paypal link ; PayPal . Me / JanetBrownlee to make your donation . Thanks ! Share this : TwitterPrintFacebookGooglePinterestEmailPocketLinkedInTumblrRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted in domestic violence , Mental Health , recovery from abuse , UncategorizedTagged Abuse , domestic violence , Mental Health , Moving Forward , recovery , support , victim blaming Trolls and other such things March 9 , 2017March 9 , 2017 FreedomWithin : My Journey through Domestic Violence and PTSD6 Comments So a " troll " or perhaps she is someone connected to my ex , commented on my facebook page today . It was in regards to my last post regarding the child support , or lack thereof , that I received from my ex . In it she educated me on how Maintenance Enforcement works in Canada , all things I already knew , and proceed to tell me how negative I am on my page , my blog and to the people in my life . She was banned from the page . I don 't like trolls . I don 't think anyone does . I reflected on her comments for a bit . Criticism is always a good time to reflect and see if there is room for personal growth . I asked myself if I am negative , is the page or my blog negative and the answer that kept coming back to me was , no . I share my journey , hence the name of my page and my blog , both good and bad . There are definitely things WITHIN my journey that are negative because I and my children were abused by my ex and their father , but I nor my page or my blog is negative . It is the abuse that is negative . Now it is very possible that this person is somehow connected to my ex . Obviously she would only hear one side of the story , his . Being he is an abuser , and abusers will lie , not take responsibility for their actions and will smear their victims name it would be no surprise that she would see me as negative . I get that . Unfortunately for Survivors of abuse , her opinions are so common when abuse is exposed . There will be people who will want to keep the Survivor quiet and believe the lies that the abuser tells them . This could be because they have only ever seen the " Mr . Nice Guy " that is in all abusers . The one who plays thePeace , Janet Share this : TwitterPrintFacebookGooglePinterestEmailPocketLinkedInTumblrRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted in domestic violence , Mental Health , recovery from abuse , UncategorizedTagged Abuse , manipulation , recovery , smear , trolls I 'll just be over here laughing December 31 , 2016December 31 , 2016 FreedomWithin : My Journey through Domestic Violence and PTSD2 Comments As I head into the New Year I am realizing there is a shift in my healing from my abusive marriage . What is the shift ? I am laughing at my ex . Yes you read that correctly , I am laughing at my ex . I used to live in a world that was full of fear . My ex enjoyed terrorizing me , raping me , physically abusing me and our son and abusing my daughters in ways that I cannot put into words . I feared him . A lot . He liked that I was afraid and that I was hurting . Even my Lawyer , from talking to him , noted that my ex really enjoyed knowing I was in pain over what he had done . As our family doctor put it in Court , my ex is mentally unwell and is an undiagnosed Sociopath . So yes I have had every right to fear him . So why am I laughing ? Well I am laughing because my ex can no longer hurt me . His only contact is his pathetic bashing of me online . I will admit when I first found out he was attacking me on - line my PTSD kicked in and I was …… well unsettled . Knowing he reads my facebook page or this blog used to bug me . I did not want him to be able to touch any part of my life . Now though …… well now I really do not care . I see what he says online and I see it as pathetic and extremely predictable . Abusers will do this when you leave . They will trash your name ( see my blog The Smear Campaign ) to deflect from what they have done and they will watch you online because they still think of you as their property and something they own . This is what they do . Now that you know that and I know that it almost makes what they are doing pathetic don 't you think ? There is nothing special in their actions , they are simply like every other hum drum abuser ( is that too crass ? ? ! ! ) It kind of takes away their power doesn 't it ? Well it certainly has for me . So to my ex , and all of his minions who also follow me online , read away . I hope you have fun going over what I write , how I share what he did and in turn empower other Survivors to break free . Please enjoy my work . I 'll just be over here in the corner laughing at your predictability . Share this : TwitterPrintFacebookGooglePinterestEmailPocketLinkedInTumblrRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted in domestic violence , Mental Health , recovery from abuse , UncategorizedTagged Abuse , Confidence , Mental Health , recovery , survivor Holidays , PTSD & …… . tears ? December 27 , 2016 FreedomWithin : My Journey through Domestic Violence and PTSD1 Comment It 's Boxing Day and I don 't know about you , but I am Exhausted . Another Christmas Day has come and gone . For me the day was a busy and overall a good day . It was the first year that my 7am alarm was what woke my family up ! I was surprised , but then again my youngest is now 10 years old so perhaps the 4 am - creeping - into - my - room - to - see - if - I - am - awake - and - can - we - open - presents moments have come to an end . Sigh . Anyways my day started with our little family opening our gifts , followed by prepping for Christmas supper , a nap , feeding my horse and then supper with my fiancé 's sister and family . It sounds pretty nice doesn 't it ? It was , but then why did I end the day quietly crying in the dark in the quiet of my living room ? Recovery from abuse sucks and it 's suckiness can creep up on you at the most inopportune times . For me it was late on Christmas Day night . I find when holidays come memories of the past creep into my mind . This year they were not as powerful as they had been in the past . I did not have any full blown flashbacks or panic attacks . They were more like an annoying tap on my shoulder saying , " hey do you remember me ? " My response was , " yes I remember , but you will not have a hold on me today " and I just kept swatting them away . I was pretty proud of myself , yet still I ended up in tears . PTSD is not an easy road . You are constantly on high alert . Adrenaline is pumping through your body as your whole being prepares to fight or flee . Your heart is always racing , as are your thoughts and it is bloody exhausting . You are constantly on the lookout for danger . I need to remember that all of that was happening to me underneath the Christmas supper prepping and present opening . I often forget that in my recovery . I carry forward like I do not have PTSD and think that I should be able to function like I don 't have any disabilities , but I do have them . They are often unseen to the outside world but they are there . So really , is it any surprise that before my guests had left I had collapsed on my couch and was later crying in the dark ? I think not . My nervous system had a lot to process yesterday ; extra people in my house which would result in my whole being subconsciously assessing whether I was safe . I also had those annoying memories tapping me on the shoulder . I will be honest I was also trying really hard not to let anyone know I was going through all of this . So yes I do understand why in the end I ended up in tears . I love my family , both extended and non extended . They are a huge part of my life and I would not change having these gatherings . I am glad I was able to see everyone yesterday . Upon reflection I just have to be mindful of my disabilities and perhaps be more open with my family as to what I am going through . Save myself from collapsing at the end of the night . Communication with loved ones is key as you recover from abuse and battle PTSD . You need a good support system to make it through the good and bad times . At the end of the night , as I cried , I was grateful for two people in my support system ; my fiancé and my oldest daughter . My daughter heard me crying and came into the living room to see if I was ok . At that point I could not put it into words so we just sat together and then my fiancé joined us . They both held my hands and we chatted about everything and nothing all in one . It was a blessed moment . My fiancé reminded me that in this family we always have each others backs and that I am loved . I will get through this battle and my friends so will you . Share this : TwitterPrintFacebookGooglePinterestEmailPocketLinkedInTumblrRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted in domestic violence , Mental Health , recovery from abuse , UncategorizedTagged Abuse , Family , Holidays , Mental Health , PTSD , recovery , support , trauma , triggers What having an Invisible Illness means to me . September 26 , 2016September 26 , 2016 FreedomWithin : My Journey through Domestic Violence and PTSD7 Comments Tomorrow , September 26th to October 2nd , is the start of Invisible Awareness Week . This week is to bring to light the many invisible illnesses out there , the mental illnesses that we do not see . As a person who battles Post Traumatic Stress Disorder ( PTSD ) and Deep Depressive Disorder I felt it might be right to for me to talk about what having an invisible illness is like for me . I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression when I was 19 years old . This was following the tragic death of my mother at age 11 . I was later diagnosed with Chronic PTSD and Deep Depressive Disorder after being in an abusive marriage for 15 years . I can never assume someone will make an accommodation for me . I have to be my own advocate for what I need . If you can 't see the ailment often you may not know or will forget what someone is fighting . As a result I have to be really aware of what I need and tell others . There are times when I have to back out of engagements . I have to put my health first and sometimes that means turning down helping at the Christmas Tea or Bake Sale . It also means there may be people who do not understand why I am not there , but I have to look after me . I make less money . Before my diagnosis of PTSD and Deep Depressive Disorder I worked in the Corporate World and made a good living for my family . Since my diagnosis my doctors have taken me off of work permanently and I live on Disability . This has meant a considerably lower income and ironically a loss in benefits ( just when I needed them most ) . At the end of the day these are the cards I have been dealt and so I deal with them . It 's not completely the end of the world . I have learned how to cope during the bad days and to speak up for what I need . This battle is not how I envisioned my life to be at 43 years old , but I still have air in my lungs and a beat to my heart so there is a silver lining . During this week I encourage you to join a worldwide event in support of Invisible Illness Awareness Week . Look up your illness online . Each one has an awareness ribbon in a certain colour . Take your colour and paint or marker a happy face on your hand , wrist or arm . Bring awareness to your invisible fight ! # IIWK16 # InvisibleFight # InvisibleAwarenessWeek Share this : TwitterPrintFacebookGooglePinterestEmailPocketLinkedInTumblrRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted in Mental Health , UncategorizedTagged Depression , Invisible Illness Awareness Week , Mental Illness , PTSD My battle with PTSD June 26 , 2016June 26 , 2016 FreedomWithin : My Journey through Domestic Violence and PTSD1 Comment June is PTSD Awareness Month . In November 2011 I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder ( PTSD ) . I am not a soldier of war . I am a Survivor of Domestic Violence . My battle was 15 years of abuse at the hands of a man I loved . PTSD changed how my brain functions . My amygdala ( controls emotional response and our survival instinct ) has increased in size and my hippocampus ( controls memory moving from short term to long term ) has shrunk . Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is not a Mental Illness ( which it is often referred to as ) , but a Psychiatric Injury that happens after threatening experience . It could be from being in combat , watching a family member die , a car or plane crash , a natural disaster or sexual assault and abuse . One in ten survivors of Domestic Violence will be diagnosed with PTSD . I left my abusive marriage almost six years ago . Wow … . what a six years it has been ! There have been pitfalls followed by many joys . It has not been an easy journey but it has made me who I am today and for that I am grateful . Let me tell you how I have changed and grown . How I have healed . When I walked away from my marriage I was so empty . So broken . The night that ended my marriage was Sept 26th 2010 . During the previous nine months my ex had been continually raping me . We had not been sharing a room during that time , but he would come into my room during the early hours and sexually assault me . In order to survive I convinced myself that he did not know what he was doing . Like all of the forms of abuse he did to me ; the verbal assaults , the emotional and mental games he played , I had believed he did not know what he was doing . That he was out of control when it happened . It was easier to deal with the abuse if I believed he did not mean it . To realize that he knew exactly what he was doing , that it was purposeful on his part was too much for me to acknowledge . Then Sept 26th 2010 happened . My now ex was standing at our kitchen sink doing the dishes . Understandably I was not coping well with these continual rapes . Being assaulted in my own bed in the wee hours of the morning and then having to swallow it all down and get up and make breakfast for my children was becoming too much to bear . Something broke in me that night and I reached deep down inside of myself and confronted my ex . I walked up to him , stood beside him and asked him point blank why was he raping me . I expected him to deny it and to say that he had no idea he was doing that . That response would fit into the level of denial I was living in . I then somehow thought we could calmly sit down and talk this out as I explained his out of control behaviour and would then ask him one more time to get help , but it did not work out that way . Instead …… instead he admitted that he knew exactly what he was doing to me when he raped me . That he knew he was hurting me . I remember watching his face as he stared out of the kitchen window . There was no remorse in his voice , no sadness , no regret , there was just a sense of calm around him . It was then that my world shattered . It was then that I realized everything he had ever done to hurt me or our children had been intentional . He was never out of control . Every lie that I had told myself to survive no longer had any standing power and I started to let out a blood curtailing scream . I started to scream , " It 's Over ! It 's Over ! " ( our marriage ) and I started to walk around the house taking down every wedding photo or memento and I threw them into my bedroom closet sobbing uncontrollably . My " fairytale " was over . Oddly enough my ex followed me around saying " No ' . Saying that it wasn 't over and begging me to stop taking our wedding things down . Perhaps this was his own level of denial where he seemed to believe that no matter how bad he treated me I would stay . At first things were ok . I was happy and I was free . I was no longer suffering daily abuse . I no longer had a knot in my stomach wondering when the next explosion would be . My children and I no longer walked on eggshells . They ran around and played and made NOISE ! ! It was wonderful . No one had to worry that they were going to wake the monster and suffer as a result . Life was good . Then I fell into a darkness . I was not sleeping well at night . I was starting to suffer horrible nightmares and I would wake at 4am unable to sleep anymore . I struggled to focus on the simplest of tasks . I felt like I was losing my mind . I was lost . It was then that I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder . I was put on meds that made me very groggy and I spent a lot of time in bed . I struggled to function , but I kept trying everyday to be a mom and to go to my job . I tried to be human , but the flashbacks and night terrors were all too powerful . Soon I was put on long term disability . I still struggled . I still spent a lot of time in bed as my whole system detoxed from 15 years of abuse . I had uncontrollable outbursts and was living in a world of fear . I was afraid to leave my home . A trip to the grocery store often sent me into a panic attack . I was lucky that through darkness I had a great support system . My sister , my amazing fiancé and many professionals . I reached out for support wherever I could find it . Slowly with that support I picked myself up off of the floor . Slowly I broke my isolation and made friends . Slowly I was able to function as a mum . I could make meals and interact with my family . God also became a driving force in my life . I started to live again . The battle with PTSD is a tough one . I admire anyone who battles it , no matter how they got it . Whether it be from a war or a car crash they are all hero 's to me . We all face terror on a daily basis and that takes an amazing amount of strength to survive . We are warriors . Warriors who have good days and bad . I am better than I was but I am still not healed . I believe this battle will be a life long one for me so I take it all one moment at a time . I trust that God has got me and I will survive . I am also starting the journey of receiving a PTSD Service Dog . I believe she will bring more peace to my life . As June comes to an end I ask that your awareness of PTSD continues past June 30th 2016 . If you have a loved one with PTSD learn the symptoms . Listen to what they need and support them . It 's not an easy role to be in , but they do need you even if they say they can do it all on their own . PTSD is scary and often you feel that isolating yourself is best , but let me tell you that it isn 't . We need to know that we are loved . That we are safe and that the bad moments will led to good moments . We need to know that to survive this battle . Share this : TwitterPrintFacebookGooglePinterestEmailPocketLinkedInTumblrRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted in Mental HealthTagged healing , PTSD , Ptsdawarenessmonth Boundaries : drawing a firm line in the sand in abusive relationships . April 16 , 2016April 16 , 2016 FreedomWithin : My Journey through Domestic Violence and PTSD4 Comments Boundaries . We make them . We sometimes break them or perhaps someone we know breaks ours . What is a boundary ? According to Google it is " a line that marks the limits of an area ; a dividing line . " That could be a fence or wall if we were talking about property lines or it could be a border line for a country . In a relationship a boundary tells the other person what you will and will not accept in the relationship . When I think of boundaries in relationships I think of the saying , " I am drawing a line in the sand . " We say that when we reach our limit on something and will not accept it anymore . Having boundaries is healthy in a relationship and they should be respected . In abusive relationships boundaries are not respected . A basic human right to live a life free of abuse is a boundary and it is broken continually in abusive relationships . An abuser can break a boundary by calling you a terrible name , scream at you or physically or sexually hurt you . Abusers do not respect boundaries because they want to have all of the control in the relationship and if they respect their victims boundaries then they cannot continue to abuse them . Also the continual trampling of your boundaries weakens you as a person and that in turn makes it easier for the abuser to control you . I have run into a lack of respect for my boundaries many times in my life . I continually had my boundaries trampled in my abusive marriage . I have also had them trampled in other relationships . As a young adult I had to set boundaries with a family member who had abusive tendencies . Their behaviour was causing me anxiety . We did not live together , but because the relationship was difficult for me I asked that this person call me before they came over to my house , just so I was not caught off guard . I felt safer that way . Unfortunately this person did not respect my request . In the end I had to cut contact with them . We did not renew our relationship until they realised what they were doing to me and made a conscious effort to change their behaviour . Sometimes a lack of respect for your boundaries is huge as in physical abuse or sometimes it may be small as in a Birthday card . I have another relative that is very toxic for me . I have recognised the dysfunction , named it to this person and told them what I need in order to have a relationship with them . I told them my boundaries . I also told them that until I can see that they actively respect what I need for a healthy relationship that we are to have no contact . I blocked them on all social media and they do not know my phone number . I drew a firm line in the sand . Since that line was made this person has started to mail me and my family Christmas and Birthday cards . You may say , " Well is that really so bad ? " Yes it is . You see this person in the 40 odd years I have known them has never sent me or my family Birthday or Christmas cards . Yet when I said no contact until you work on yourself and look at why you are abusive to me , the cards started . It is one small way that they are still not respecting my boundaries and are trying to trample them . This is what abusive people do though . The trampling of boundaries is often not a big event like a slap across the face . It is often done in small acts and you barely even notice that your boundaries are being trampled until they are " slapping you in the face " . It is a way to slowly break you down so that they can abuse you some more . It 's important to recognise even the little trampling 's on your boundaries and respect yourself by speaking up . I have started doing a " Return to Sender " on the cards . As I end this blog I encourage you to set your boundaries and stick to them . They tell the world what you will and will not accept in your life and that is important . I know it can be hard to set boundaries after an abusive relationship . It may even feel foreign to set a boundary since you have lived in a world where boundaries are non existent , but in a healthy relationship they are so important . Not only for you , but for the people in your life . If someone does something that you cannot accept , I encourage you to tell them . It can be as straight forward as saying , " I don 't like it when you speak that way to me , please stop . " Go for it . You can do it . I believe in you ! Share this : TwitterPrintFacebookGooglePinterestEmailPocketLinkedInTumblrRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted in domestic violence , Mental Health , UncategorizedTagged Abuse , abusive relationships , boundaries , domestic violence , respect The overwhelming effects of verbal abuse March 22 , 2016 FreedomWithin : My Journey through Domestic Violence and PTSD9 Comments Recently I was reminded about the lasting effects of verbal abuse . My fiancé and I were visiting friends in another city . We have not been to their place too much and got a bit lost on our way home . It was late , we were all tired and somehow ended up in some industrial area . Wrong turns were made and tensions rose . No name calling happened between us but suddenly I was being verbally abused . I could hear my ex in my head telling me how stupid I was , that I was an idiot . I had flashbacks to times he would give me a map and tell me to navigate ( usually in a strange city while we sped down some freeway ) and I would fail at it . This is of course what he wanted to happen so then he could justify yelling at me for a 1 / 2 hour or more . It was horrible and damaging to my self worth . Last night , as I quietly cried , I was a reminded of the damage done . Many verbal abuse Survivors will tell you that they would take getting hit over one more minute of being verbally abused . I remember saying to my ex more than once , " just hit me already ! " My thinking was that if I was hit then the abuse was over and I could heal from a bruise whereas verbal abuse cuts you to your soul . Verbal abuse changes how you think of yourself . Verbal abuse is crazy making . Often the victim feels like it is all just in their head , maybe they aren 't being abused , maybe they are just going crazy . If this is how you feel after suffering verbal abuse let me tell you that you are NOT crazy . You have been abused . Well I am still working that , its a journey of ups and downs . If you have to remain in contact with your verbal abuser it is important to set boundaries with them . Telling them to " Stop it ! " or saying , " You aren 't allowed to talk to me that way ! " are two statements you can use to bring your abuser up short . If possible cut all ties with your abuser . I know this is not always easy to do . Some verbal abusers are family members , a boss or your spouse , but you are worth more than what they are giving you . You cannot properly heal until there is closure . Another important point is that most verbal abuse will escalate over time and it WILL lead to physical abuse . No one deserves that . It 's important to seek support as you recover from the abuse . A counsellor can be a great confident who can give you insight as a third party . Unlike a family member or close friend they are able to give you professional advice without the overshadowing of family dynamics or friendships . This does not mean support from family and friends is not valid , it defiantly is . You might even find yourself reconnecting with family and friends once you leave the relationship . Abusers often isolate their victim from family and friends as it is then easier to control them . So reach out to them . They can help you remember who you are rather than what the abuser tells you , you are . Social support is also another support system . There are many groups on facebook , twitter or domestic violence hotlines that can help you . It is easier to move forward when you have a positive support system around you . As for me , well we did find our way home . Today my fiancé and I sorted through what the effects of my verbally abusive past had on me last night . It is a two steps forward , one step back sort of journey . I am just glad that I keep moving forward . Share this : TwitterPrintFacebookGooglePinterestEmailPocketLinkedInTumblrRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted in domestic violence , Mental HealthTagged Abuse , abusive relationships , domestic violence , healing , recovery , trauma , verbal abuse To the Man I love ; I am sorry I have PTSD February 24 , 2016February 24 , 2016 FreedomWithin : My Journey through Domestic Violence and PTSD4 Comments Today has been rough . Who am I kidding ; the last six years have been rough . I am sure none of it is what you expected . Sure you thought there would be rough spots , but I don 't think you banked on days , weeks and months . We reconnected six years ago , you and I . We were high school sweethearts who drifted apart only to reconnect 20 years later . I had called you for help . I was in a horrible marriage and he was abusing me . I asked you to help me get out and you did just that . You stood by me and supported me while I safely got away . You listened and held me while I cried . You were amazing . Strange things started to happen . You know what I mean . I couldn 't sleep through the night . I had horrible night terrors and woke screaming with tears running down my face . I was scared to leave my house . I couldn 't work . I had flashbacks that made me yell . I couldn 't seem to get away from the memories of what my ex had done . I could no longer function . We went to the doctor and found out I had PTSD ( Post Traumatic Stress Disorder ) with Deep Depressive Disorder . As PTSD and Depression took over I lived in a fog of terrible memories , a lack of focus and fear . Deep shadows formed under my eyes , I was edgy . Every sound made me jump . We vowed to stay by each other 's side . We would get through this . We knew what it was like to live without each other , we did not want to let go now . So I saw more doctors and was put on medication to help me cope . They were the wrong ones at first so we suffered through the side effects and kept marching on . We were a team . I know you were scared ; scared to leave me alone so you started to miss work . You said that I came first . My health needed to be number one . I told you that I would be fine , go to work , I will make it through . So you did , only to come to see me still in my pajamas , the dishes weren 't done and the laundry was piling up . I told you I was sorry and you told me not to worry . I am sorry you have had to pull double duty ; run the house plus your job . Please know that I see how burnt out you are . Please know how much I love you . I never know what each day will bring . If I will get triggered by a smell or sound and end up hiding in our room or perhaps that day it will be like old days . I will get out for a walk and we will smile and laugh . I do not know and neither do you , for that I am sorry . Thank you for riding this journey with me . Thank you for holding me when I cry or wake at night in fear . Thank you for pushing me to try new therapies and to never give up . PTSD and Depression may be debilitating , but with you by my side I can fight this battle . I thank you from the bottom of my heart . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
and two friends took my girlfriend and me out to dinner at a fairly posh restaurant . It looked to be a very pleasant evening , with food and wine and good company . I had my cell phone with me - an admittedly crappy bit of work which had no vibrate mode that I ever found , and no way of silencing it when someone called . Unfortunately this was during the Bad Times in the divorce process , so I had to keep it on in case the kids called with an emergency . But if it started to ring , I had a folded napkin handy to muffle the sound to a whisper if it was a non - emergency call . As luck would have it , of course , everyone I knew was trying to call me that night . After the fourth or fifth call that I immediately muffled under the napkin , a guy at the table across the aisle and down one snarled " Answer your goddam phone ! " " I 'm sorry , " I said in my gentlest voice , " I have to keep in on in case my kids need me . I 'll try to keep it quiet . " " Well then call your kids ! " " Ummm . . . look , I 'm only keeping it on in case of an emergency . If they call I 'll answer them ; otherwise I 'm covering it with this napkin - " " Just answer your fucking phone ! " he yelled . The woman next to him and the couple across from them were looking increasingly uncomfortable through this . I tried again to apologize and explain , but he kept getting louder and angrier . His friends looked like they were ready to crawl away under the tables , and his woman was telling him loudly to shut up . My friends tried to intervene , but he started in on them as well . Finally I used my most stentorian Brian Blessed voice , the drill sergeant tone that makes people jump , and announced , " Sir , you are drunk . Please take your friends ' advice and quiet down . " I said this with the most scorn I could muster . The result was immediate , of course . He surged to his feet and his friends grabbed him and dragged him out the door , bellowing as he went . The waitress approached with a look of terror in her eyes . " Sir , I 'm so sorry ! We could hear it all the way up at the front ! " I smiled up at her . " No worries . You ( The Resident Loon Not a demographic . Do not measure . , Thu 18 Oct 2012 , 16 : 16 , I was driving out of Bristol on the M32 some years ago when a prat in a white van came up behind me and flashed . I ignore him . He flashed again . I ignored him . He cut the gap to a couple of feet and flashed vigorously . I ignored him , and continued to pootle along at 50mph in the middle lane . At this point he decided to be a clever clogs and overtake me on the inside . If he had been a little less hasty and a little more observant , he might have noticed the road markings showing that it was about to diverge , which is why I was in the middle lane . If he had been even more observant he might have noticed that the trailer I was towing had a glider in it , and was just over thirty feet long . Add the length of the VW Camper Van I was driving and he was now in a diverging lane , next to a wall of metal . He tried to speed up , but there were other cars ahead of him and he couldn 't get past me . He tried to slow down and I , looking carefully straight ahead , slowed down to match him . White van next to me ? Really ? Can 't say I noticed . I considered waving as he headed off down the slip road to gawd knows where , but thought he might get cross . TL ; DR : Prat tried to undertake long vehicle , gets forced off motorway by other prat . An " annoyatron " is a small circuitboard with a magnet on it that makes random beeping noises like a digital watch . I didnt know I needed one of these things until I spotted them for sale on a site in the US . I clearly did need them so I bought a batch . The first one I stuck onto the back of a work colleagues ( and good friend ) desk , after everyone had left for the evening and promptly forgot about it . 3 weeks later I happen to be in that part of the office to find my friend literally shouting at the guy on the desk next to him , " its your fucking phone man , get rid of it or Ill get rid of you ! ! " , " fuck off its not me ! " , situation had clearly got to a boiling point and violence was about to occur between these 2 large men . I ask them whats going on and am told there is a random beeping noise getting on everyones nerves . they have already swapped out 2 of the PCs and had the smoke detector replaced . . lol , oops . At this point I admitted it was me and showed them the circuit board - they were actually more thankful that the mystery was resolved than anything else . Am still good friends with him . The second went home with another work colleague on his last day , slipped into the bag he used to take his stuff home with him . I expected him to take it home and wonder wtf is that sound and eventually find it so I wrote my name on the back of it , thinking we could have a good laugh about it when he found itbut no . The bag got left in his car for a week , then got quickly emptied and was used to take his stuff to glastonbury ( yes the big festival ) . So the bag was in his tent in a field beeping away . there were a few pissed off people - eventually ending up with a gang shaking his tent telling him to stop it or he will be set fire to . In words that are not that nice . he did find it after a thorough search , not having realised it was him . We dont talk anymore . I still have some left though , just waiting for the right time . I have two friends who are just LOVELY . He is a big bloke , tall , bald , thick specs , not the prettiest of fellas . She is a tiny lady , very girly and innocent looking . They went out for drinks one night and the bar was packed to the rafters . After finally fighting their way to the bar , they were served just as she let out a rather large guff , one of those ones that are hot as it comes out , and you just KNOW it 's going to stink like rotten corpses . As they sipped their drinks he looked at her and whispered ' Have you just fucking farted , it STINKS ' As she moved away , she looked at him laughing , and mouthed ' Yep . But everyone here is going to think that it 's YOU ' The street , shiny with slippery rain , was watched over by a thousand cyclopic cameras , silently observing the wretched scenes that played out every day . The rain eroded more than the concrete facades . People shrank , horrified , at that most perverse terror of all : the destruction of the human spirit . Night and day had little to distinguish them . The continual deluge from a sky bruised with thunderheads that never broke kept the sun out ; neon signs , blinking , reflected from every surface like a disco ball in a fairground hall of mirrors . Distorted , debased , advertisements shone and re - shone , the message becoming both fainter and more pronounced with each reflection . Shuffling like cattle , people trudged , heads down , silent . Cars drove past in a constant stream , pausing only to acknowledge red lights and allow the flow of humanity to move from one capillary to another . And still the rain came . Rising like a belch , a single man lifted his head and lifted his fists , shaking them in fury against the flickering neon . He screamed for eight full seconds , his throat becoming raw and his breathing ragged . Somewhere , a silent alarm sounded , and men employed to protect the property of the state began to assemble . The screamer sunk back into the crowd as the police cars arrived . With an almost imperceptible gesture , he told the gathered officers that the man standing next to him was guilty of the disturbance . A policeman placed his gloved hand on the accused , gripping tightly , making escape impossible . The crowd dispersed , their trudging slightly faster than before . Gloved hands wrought with the might of justice pulled the man away as he screamed in terror . The screams convinced the police that they had their man ; a swift dig to the abdomen soon stopped his noise . The screamer was , by now , long gone . The rain continued as the police cars disappeared as quickly as they came . We were all smoking quite a lot of cannabis in those days . A group of about 8 of us , and he wanted to become a naval officer . He was keen , but he also liked smoking cannabis , which , as eny fule no , does not mix with a career in the military . So when he finally got his offer of an interview for six months hence , he vowed to us all that he was going to get his shit together . After this smoke . And maybe another toke . Who 's hungry ? One more toke , then that 's it - the straight and narrow for him from then on . On the day of the interview , we put him onto the train stoned off his gourd , where , we assured him , he 'd straighten out during the three - hour journey . He walked in to a panel of 10 officers featuring various amounts of fruit salad on their tits , and was invited to sit in the small seat in the middle of the room . The first question was " What do you think the Prime Minister should do to increase relations with the president of ( whatever bumblefuck country it was ) ? " He stood up , apologized in the vague manner of the stoner he was , instructed them that he was wasting their time and his , and walked out . Epilogue : He 's now done two tours of Iraq as a commissioned officer in the army , and I believe is about to be promoted to Colonel . after leaving uni i worked in a factory packing towbars for about 6 months . most days i would end up walking through the welding shop to fetch boxes or jigs or to look for someone . to make things interesting as i was walking past everyone beavering away welding towbars i would often push out the biggest farts possible safe in the knowledge that nobody could hear me over the sound of welding and that everyone was too engrossed in their work to see the strained look on my face . i would then return back the way i came just in time to see 2 or 3 men arguing over who dropped one and to register my own disgust and inquire " which of you fucking gypos did that ? " back then i had a range of one end of a warehouse to the other with a single trouser eruption after a night at the local brewery I work as a fridge engineer . The company I used to work for had trackers on all the company vehicles , so big brother could make sure you weren 't sat in a cafe / pub / at home watching TV . I can understand why because most of the people there were workshy numpties who spend more time trying to get as much as possible for the least amount of effort . One of said ' numpties ' was John . . . John was a real obnoxious bastard . And often mistook being a downright cunt as ' banter ' . Such gems as " your daughter is going to be fit when she 's older . . . " Said daughter is in primary school . John always boasted that he could disable his vehicle tracker so he could use the van for personal use when he wasn 't working . We all know how to do it , but choose not to as its not worth the hastle if we got caught . Anyway , John did . . . And he was keen to let us all know that he was doing work on the side , using the companys van and tools and how much money he was making from doing it . One weekend , he had finished fitting a unit in a butchers and drove off in his usual style ( like a maniac ) . However one of the countless people he had pissed off had decided to exercise their own justice for Johns relentless cuntiness and attached a one side or a chain to his axle and the other side to a lampost . As it pulled tight it swung his van into a parked car . I 'm sure he would have drove away had he not been padlocked to the post . Whoever did it has never fessed ( to me anyway ) . I 'd have loved to have seen his fat face when it happened . When I was a courier long ago my controller once got me into loads of shit by sending me out to the darkest depths of west London , where my bike attracted the unwelcome attention of a couple of wankers . I only noticed they were after me once I got back into Fitzrovia , when the chase really began . It resulted in me going for it through all the roads and ally ways I could think of , and at one point weaving in and out of on coming cars the wrong way on Harley street . Dramatic stuff , and they really must have wanted my bike . Fortunately for me , when I pulled them out of Duchess Street onto Portland Place , I spotted one of my colleagues at the end of the road waiting to pull out . This was ' Croc ' an Aussie biker , over here for some reason , who was both huge and a bit mental . Talk about a ' and breathe moment . ' My two potential robbers suddenly stood down at the other end of the street . The oddest , and ironic bit to this memory , is the two fuckers actually still bothered to follow us back to the office in Foley Street , and my controller , Rob , went ballistic when I told him of my close encounter , and the fact they were outside . He was a small guy , but hard as nails ; and old school when it comes to looking after your own ; such as me . When I pointed out one of the wankers he calmly removed his watch , got up and went outside and beat the living shit out of one them , with such sudden violence his mate recoiled in terror . I watched that bit from where Rob should have been sat out the window , and remember seeing Croc laughing his head off as Rob punched the living shit out of this bloke . And that was a beating you seldom see . At no point did he give the cunt any opportunity to disengage , the bombardment was simply breathtaking . Nice one Rob : ) When I was 17 , I started going to raves and during my ' honeymoon period ' of ecstatic appreciation , I would do anything i could to get down to the local rave pit , and get amongst it . One weekend , I really wanted to go and see this certain DJ , but had little to no money to fund my evening of entertainment . I started looking around the house for things to sell , this being my mum 's house . . . I found a mobile phone with a Winnie the Pooh cover on it . My little sisters phone ( she was 10 , so I somehow managed to convince myself that this was just ) . I took her phone down to the local crack converters , and got £ 22 for it . Then spent that money on drugs . After a few days , my mum asked me if I had seen it , and I said that I hadn 't . So she developed a theory that this guy ( a known rogue ) who had been doing some manual work in the house had stolen it . Obviously I didn 't disagree with her . Needless to say , he wasn 't invited back to do any work . One day I will confess to this . But , maybe when I 'm older . A baby bird was sat by the side of the road one sunny day and was enjoying the feel of the sun warming its wings . Unfortunately a passing carriage went by and the horses drawing it chose that moment to unload their bowels . The baby bird found itself buried in horse shit and just about managed to shake its head free and get enough height to breathe easy above the surface of the horse crap . After a while the sun hardened the poo and the bird realised it would probably just have to wait until the sun dried up the manure and cracked open , letting it escape . So , apart from the actual inconvenience of being immobilised , it was still a nice sunny day with a fresh breeze carrying away the smell of the ordure , and thanking his lucky stars , the baby bird began to sing . The tweeting from a low level attracted the attention of a passing hungry fox . The fox wandered up and enquired of the bird " What makes you so happy , my fine feathered friend , what with you being buried in horse crap ? " The naive bird replied " Oh , but Mr Fox , the day is lovely , the breeze is refreshing and I shall soon be free of this scatological prison , why be anything other than grateful ? " The fox thought about this and asked the baby bird " But what if I set you free from your unfortunate trap right now ? " Considering the offer for a moment , the innocent bird exclaimed " Oh Mr Fox , that would be simply wonderful ! Please , yes , I would love for you to help me escape ! " . So the fox pawed at the muck until he had broken the crust and the baby bird was able to struggle free . " Oh Mr Fox , " the baby bird twittered , " You have done me such a service , how ever can I repay you ? " in earnest . " Well , " said the fox grinning evilly , " This is where you find out " and gobbled him up in an instant . So there are morals to the story : - 1 . Not everyone who shits on you from a great height is your enemy2 . Not everyone who gets you out of the shit is your friend . 3 . If you 're up to your neck in shit , shut the fuck up . As a student , I had a job in Uncle Sam 's Hamburger Express in West Street , Brighton . I worked for a while with another guy , Paul , who was from Haywards Heath , and had been transferred down to Brighton for the busy Christmas / New Year period . I was constantly short of time and cash , trying to work full time there and study full time at ( what was then ) Brighton Poly ( Pharmacy , which was 35 hours a week at college , plus study time ) . I shared in a grotty , woodlouse - infested shithole of a ground floor flat in Whitehawk Road , and could barely afford that . My dad died that January , so I had to go home for the funeral etc . , for about three weeks in the end . Three weeks of not working . I was already overdrawn , and poor old Paul took pity on my sob story and lent me £ 50 so I could make that month 's rent ; this was 1989 so that was a lot more than one night 's beer money , even for Brighton . Paul got transferred back to his home store in HH in about March , and I struggled through the rest of the year , flunked my degree and went home permanently with what was at the time a ludicrously high overdraft ( about £ 1500 - barely a term 's student loan by the standards or not very much later , and bugger all these days ) . By the time I was in a position to be able to pay Paul back , I had completely lost touch with him . Then last year I got back in touch with another ex - Sammer on Facebook , who worked with Paul at the time . Apparently , lending me £ 50 put him on the breadline himself , and about six months later he lost his flat because he 'd fallen behind on his own rent , and slept on the streets for a while . Neither of us knew what happened to him after that . It could have been a wind - up on FB , but I have the horrible sense that my Good Samaritan put himself on the streets so I wouldn 't have to be there . Thanks Paul . If you ever read this , get in touch ; I wouldn 't say I 'm flush , but I can certainly afford to pay you back with interest . we had a neo - nazi PE teacher . You know the type . . . Anyway , he decided that our double PE would be spent swimming or playing water polo . Those of us without costumes that day , 3 of s , were to spend the time running around the field . Whoever finished last would have to do 20 pushups / 50 squats etc and then catch up while running with a tyre - continue for 2 hours . Quickly on I came up with a plan . If we all took turns and synced our run up then we could all do the punishment without anyone unduly suffering . We 'd all take turns coming last . So , the first run went to plan , but when it came to my turn to take the punishment I sped up slighty and didn 't come last . The guys were not amused , but I said I was nervous and would do it properly next time . For 2 hours I sped up just at the end while the other 2 guys got hammered . They were not happy when they caught up with me after the class . Aah school days . . . between school and college . I was lucky enough to help out on the costume side of the original Star Trek series , although I didn 't get to do the costumes for the stars ( I said " Hi " to Leonard Nimoy once or twice , though ) I did work with a lot of the supporting cast . This included the ones dressed as aliens and so on , and occasionally the puppeteers who worked some of the less " humanoid " characters . Some of their costumes or puppets were so tight - fitting that it took two of us to help / zip / sew them into them , and it could be a bit of a rush on a tight filming schedule , too . Yes , I used to get people into Tribbles . Many years back my brother got an Amiga 500 which was his pride and joy I was told I was not allowed near it . I used to get home earlier from school than him and would sneak into his room and play on it , he caught me once and as a result was subjected to an evening of torture , continous wedgies ( or melvins ) , held over the top floor bannister etc etc . At the time there was a lad who I didn 't really like who was always trying to hang around with me , so being a crafty bastard I invited him over after school , put him in front of the Amiga and left the room when I heard my brother arrive home . Unfortunately the plan back fired as my brother wasn 't about to start bullying someone else 's child , as a result I took the full punishment while my victim sat and laughed at me . The End No particular reason , I 'm just not very fond of it . So when me and a group of classmates were eating lunch in the canteen of Essex University ( we were on a school trip there ) I had eaten my panini and left the side salad alone . As Mr D our physics teacher strolled up I , quick as a flash , shovelled the spare salad from my plate onto my friend Dan 's ( clean ) plate while his back was turned . Mr D : " Dan , you should really learn to eat your salad like MatJ has " . Dan : " But . . . but . . . but . . . " ( Mr D strolls off again ) Dan : " You bastard " To my shame , we were both 18 at the time . One summer my mates and I decided to build a den in a haystack . We totally aced this one . It had secret rooms , tunnels and all the mod - cons that a hay - den can have . Proud of our achievements we invited a few of the outsiders to have a look at our handiwork but they weren 't skilled in the stealthy ways of den building and we soon got rumbled by a farmhand . I watched from the safety of one of the secret rooms as my friends were lined up against a wall and given a good talking - to . Something was muttered , one of my ' friends ' pointed at the barn . " And you can come out too you little shit . If you don 't come out immediately this will end badly . " Said the farmhand looking directly at my hidey - hole . I held firm for at least 5 seconds before shamefully joining the ass - kicking line . I 'm not proud of the next bit but she told us that we 'd have to wait until the farmer came back for a proper kicking as we 'd caused a lot of money 's worth of damage to the bales . This would be very bad news as the farmer knew my dad . There was only one thing for it . I cried , begged and pleaded - tears so convincing that the farmhand took pity and let us scarper . " Nice one Airman Gabber ! Great acting . " " It was easy . I 'm good at drama lessons . " I wasn 't acting . While driving back to his house few christmas 's ago with family in the car with him a prat in his done up shopping cart starts tailgating him down the road . Now my uncle was doing the speed limit ( well maybe a bit above ) and it was near on impossible to overtake at this stretch of road . My uncle ( still young at heart ) knew this road pretty well and knew there was s straight coming up where the road widened that cops would always be at with their speed cameras . So just after coming on to that section he waves prat ahead and they floor it . 2 minutes later my uncle sees the blue flashing lights of a cop car with the prat looking exceptionally sheepish as he sails past . I know its not really his fault for the prat getting caught but i 'm bored at work . It did kinda backfire though as my young cousin ( his daughter ) burst into tears that her daddy would allow something like that to happen to the poor man . Length ? 5 or 6km of a staright and 200 or so of a blubbering kid Years ago in my very first proper office job , I was pottering along happily and ineffectively working for catalogue that sold ' innovative ' products , with another young lad called Kerry who had even less idea than me . He had got the job by virtue of being the son of the owner 's best mate , and to give nepotism its due , was the only way he would ever have got a job of any description . Pleasant , but thick . He was also South African , which spawns an even more special kind of thick . We used to have all sorts of fun making prank phone calls to him as he would believe pretty much anything , until one day I called to tell him I was from UK Immigration and that I was aware that he was working without a permit and liable for deportation . I swear I had no idea that he really was working without a permit and liable for deportation . When I came back from the payphone , the place was in lockdown , office doors shut , and people looking very serious . He had rushed and told the big boss man , who had immediately mobilised his very expensive lawyers . Oops . Kerry eventually reappeared looking ashen and muttering ' ohgodbru , thisisbadmun ' over and over . I dragged him into the stairwell and explained that it was a wind up and begged him not to grass . He didn 't . Good lad . That was the second closest I have come to shitting myself at work . Had relatives living in the same village as my brother and sister - and - law . Gatting as you might remember is a typical , if not exemplary , Essex Boy , and his family were the same . They would all sit in their ample back garden in the summer evenings getting loudly drunk , even the Gatting matriarch , a feisty old crone who liked her tipple . One time I was just walking past when I saw the mother stand up , clutching a glass of a double gin and tonic . The silly old biddy was so drunk that she slipped , knocking her spectacles into her brimming glass . It was Gatting Mother 's peepers into doubles . Fare evasion , giving false details , abusive language , criminal damage , trespass . All sorts of stuff . Hang on , no . That 's people being stupid and me helping them to a natural conclusion . Fuck em . I get overtime for being a witness in prosecutions and I 'm a massive cunt . I spent most of my school career blending in with the crowd . If naughtiness happened I was usually the idiot who got the blame rather than the instigator . Except once . Let me tell you about it . One lunchbreak , during the early years of the Thatcher administration a group of bored young boys - 6 or 7 of us - were lurking at one end of the playgound - and somehow I came up with the idea of playing Stukas . The iconic WW2 divebomber is famous for two things . The crooked wings and the bowel - loosening howl that came from the underwing sirens every time it went into an attack dive . ( And being hacked out of the sky by Spitfires , obviously ) Over on the other side of the playground a small group of girls were minding their own business unaware that the next few minutes were about to get very , very unpleasant . Suddenly a small boy sprinted past , arms outstretched - but slightly bent - and on his way past he let out an unearthly howl at the top of his lungs . EEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIOOOOOWWWWW Before the startled young ladies could react the next had started his attack run . EEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIOOOOOWWWWWAnd the next . And the next , and the next , each one screaming as he went past . We may have gone back and done a bit of strafing , memory is unclear . The point is , when the last Stuka trotted off round the bikesheds we left a gaggle of slightly deafened girls having a hysterical sobbing fit . Retribution came as soon as we arrived back at the classroom . As our homeroom teacher looked on with harsh , icy eyes , our victims picked out their tormentors and they joined the shamefaced parade at the front of the class . " Was anybody else involved in this affair . " thundered the teacher , a man reputed to have put pupils in hospital . The girls took one long look around the classroom , but utterly failed to notice the specky kid sat right at the front desperately trying to look innocent . My fellow Stukas were led away to punishment and humiliation , and I watched them go thinking " Thank fuck for that . " The Stuka Squadron flew no more after that and I spent t ( Big D , Fri 19 Oct 2012 , 18 : 51 , |
Those were Connor 's stats at his 2 month pediatric appointment on the 17th . I can 't believe how big he is already ! Some miles stones are he has learned how to get his hand in his mouth whenever he likes , not just by accident . He is also figuring out how to grasp on to things . One of his favorite toys is his firefly , he has grasped the rings that hang off the bottom and pulled on them numerous times . Sleeping has been getting better too . He goes from about 9 pm till 2 or 3 am , then he wakes up again around 5 or 6 am . I hope that it won 't be too much longer till he sleeps all night , but for now 5 to 6 hours is a good stretch . Connor sitting up with the hick - upsOur trip to San Francisco went really well . Connor slept almost the whole plane ride out to the west cost , and then on the way back was awake more since it was day time , but still did really well . Our fellow passengers commented that they hardly knew a baby was sitting so close to them . Everyone things traveling with an infant would be hard , but I think it would be harder if he was older . We got to skip the long security line on the way back since we were traveling with a little one , and the good folks of United Airlines really did a great job accommodating our little family and making it all that much easier on us . On our first full day Connor and I went to Pier 39 where there are a lot of tourist shops , restaurants , and best of all Sea Lions ! Then I hiked up the steep hills to see Lombard Street . It was cool to see the street that I had seen on TV and photos so many times in real life . The only problem is we had to go back down the hills to get a cab back to the apartment we were staying at , and that scared the crap out of me with Connor in the stroller . I wish I could have seen more , but it was hard getting around the city by myself , perhaps if there is a next time and Connor is older it will be easier . Sea LionsWell I am down to only 2 more weeks at home till I have to head back to work . I now wish that I could extend my leave till the new year , but I am afPosted by Connor 's second month of life has been very busy ! Since our last post we all went down to Connecticut to attend our good friends Chris and Val 's wedding , and Auntie Marci , Nick , and Grandpa Chagnon hosted a party for everyone from Greg 's family to meet Connor ! We also celebrated two more birthdays : Uncle Ham Bone ( Tom ) turned 22 , and Sophia Sauk turned 1 year old ! Connor attended the rehearsal dinner so he could meet Uncle Chris and Aunt Val before there big day ! He was not even the youngest baby there , Val 's friend and bridesmaid brought her daughter who was only 11 days old ! Connor did not appreciate Mr . Gonzales trying to use him as an example , he let out a loud cry when he was pointed out to the bride and groom as an example of what the parents would like for their next big gift , a grandchild of their own . Connor wailed in protest , I think he was trying to say , " They will create a new friend for me when they are good and ready , lets all let the nice Aunt and Uncle enjoy their wedding day first . " The wedding was wonderful , Chris and Val both looked so happy ! Greg was finally able to relax once his best man speech was done , and it was a wonderful party . Connor stayed home with Grandpa Jim and company during the wedding . I came back to check on him and feed him between the ceremony and reception , however he was in good hands with Great Aunt Sandy to help out , so I was able to relax myself and have a good time at the reception , and Daddy only called once to check in on him , not bad since this was the first time I was away from Connor for more than an hour or two . Groomsmen feeding the Groom some beer The next day Connor got to meet his Daddy 's families , and some more friends . Auntie Marci deserves the most credit for making the day so great with her cooking and hosting ! We are so glad so many family members from both near and far were able to join us and got to meet Connor while he is still a little guy . This week Auntie Marci is going to come and visit for a few days and spend some quality time with Connor ! This coming weekend we will be back in CT again for Nikki P . 's Baby Shower and to celebrate yet another birthday Grandpa Changon is going to be 59 . Then we are off on our big adventure to San Francisco ! We will be sure to take lots of photos and report back on our trip , the day we get back Connor will be 2 months old ! Posted by Connor 's first two weeks were hard on Greg and me , but since then things have gotten easier every day . I was having trouble with breastfeeding at first , and Connor had dropped a little more weight than we would have like to see initially , however with the help of the lactation consultants and supplementing in some formula into his diet we were able to get him back up to his birth weight by his 2 week appointment with the pediatrician . She then gave us the go ahead to let him sleep as long as he likes at night , no more waking him up to feed every two hours ! Now he will sleep anywhere from 3 . 5 to 5 hours a stretch when we first put him down for the night , then he wakes up every 2 - 3 hours after that . During the day he really only takes small cat naps if we stay home , but will fall asleep for longer ones if we go for a walk in the stroller or go for a car ride . When he is awake he is very alert . I love watching him find new things every day like his hand or the toy hanging down from his jungle mat . He does give out smiles , but is still very stingy with them . He seams to save them for people he has not seen in a little while , such as Daddy when he gets home from work , or Gramie and Gramps when they come by and visit . I am trying to keep us busy and not necessarily at home in the house all day every day . On Tuesdays we go to a Mom 's group and meet up with lots of other babies 0 - 3 months old . Most of the Mom 's then go out to lunch after the meeting , it is so great to get to talk to other new Mom 's and get to learn and share our experiences . Most I walk away thankful I have such an easy baby , and wonderful helpful Husband ! Speaking of Greg , what would I do without him ! After I feed Connor first thing in the morning , Greg takes over and lets me get in a nice long shower and time to get dressed and ready for the day . Then when he gets home from work he can hardly wait to get his hands on Connor ! We both just love this baby ! We will be very busy in this 2nd month of Connor 's life . This past weekend he attended a big family birthday party , and had some special visitors from up North his Aunties Brooke & Sarah , and Cousin Eliot . This weekend we are heading to CT to attend Chris and Val 's wedding , as well as to have a get together with Greg 's family so they can all meet Connor . Connor 's good friend Sophia is tuning 1 on the 31st ! Then it will be back to CT again for Grandpa Chagnon 's birthday and a baby shower for Baby Girl Pisarsky . Then the big adventure to San Francisco , CA ! Greg has to go out there for work , and we got the OK to come out with him ! Here is a video for your viewing pleasure of one those hard to get smiles ! Connor James Chagnon 's Birth Story My last day of work was my due date Friday September 11th 2009 . At my last two appointments the doctors said I was 2 - 3 cm dilated . I was still convinced that I was going to be at least a week late and would be sitting around playing the waiting game and would have one less week at home with the baby . To my surprise Saturday afternoon ( September 12th ) I went to lie down just before 3 pm and to try to take a nap . After a few minutes I felt a trickle , then another , at which point I quickly got off the bed since I was pretty sure my water broke . I called Greg who was upstairs on his computer , and went to the bathroom . We called the weekend answering service , and the midwife on call returned my call , she told us to head right over to labor and delivery . The hospital is only 5 minutes from our house , so we finished packing up our bags , and called my parents to tell them we would not be coming over for dinner that night after all . I was slightly shocked , as I never expected my water to break and could not believe that in less than 24 hours we would have a baby . I was not leaking a lot while we were getting ready to leave , but when I went to get in the car I felt another gush , I told Greg to go back inside and get a towel , I went back inside and changed the pad I put on . We made it to the hospital before once again another huge gush , by the time we got to L & D my pants were soaked to the knees . At this point I still have not felt any contractions yet . I was put on the monitors , and then the OB on call came in and checked me , he said I was ~ 4 cm dilated . After the exam the contractions started . I was taken off the monitors and the nurse suggested that we order food if we wanted dinner that night . We then went to for a walk to help get things started , by the time we got back and the food arrived my contractions were coming regularly and food was the last thing I wanted . I asked the nurse to put the IV line in so I could get an epidural as soon as I wanted it . The nurse called IV therapyJill Connor James Chagnon made his big arrival into this world Sunday August 13th at 2 : 46 am , he weighed 8 lbs , 9 oz , and was 20 inches long . We are so in love with the little guy it is a feeling that is impossible to describe . I will try to write a longer post with more detials soon when things calm down and we get in a better routine . For now if you would like to see more photos here is a link to a photo album : http : / / picasaweb . google . com / JillChalifour / BabyConnor ? feat = directlink These last few weeks , as I have gotten more and more uncomfortable , sleep has become harder to come by ( the cold did not help either ) , also when I am home I spend more time just sitting on the couch with my feet up . Besides my wonderful husband who is always asking if I need anything and always willing to get me anything I need / want there is another guy in this house almost always keeping an eye on me , and that would be Trotman . When I am awake in the middle of the night Trotman is always with me , if I get up off the couch 9 times out of 10 he will follow me wherever I go , and then when I return he won 't curl up into a ball to sleep until it appears that I am settled in my spot and not going anywhere . I believe that he knows something is going on and that it is his job to keep an eye out on me . Something tells me when the baby comes home Trotman will adjust quickly , and even be a great kitty big brother . He was so good the other week when a 10 month old Sophia came to visit , WALKING all over the place , and eager to give kitty a pet , he would just lay still and let her pet him . So here is to my furry protector , thanks for the head butts , the company , and the love you give me . Posted by We had our weekly visit to the OB on Tuesday . I saw a different doctor than usual , as mine had to be in surgery . He was very nice , but kept talking to me like I have been his patient for the last nine months ! I wanted to keep telling him he has never laid eyes on me before , so he could drop the act that he knew who I was , even though I am sure it his only intentions were to make me feel comfortable . I gained 5 pounds in a week , what is going on ! ? That took me by surprise , I have not change any eating habits , but needless to say I skipped my nightly treat of ice cream that night out of guilt . Blood pressure was up a little ( forgot the exact reading ) but nothing to be concerned about , and everything else is a - ok too . I am still 2 - 3 cm dilated , so no change there either . The only notable change is over the long weekend I have either developed a cold or are suffering from allergies . Since last night I have been coughing up a storm and I must say I am not at all a happy camper . I am lucky that I hardly ever get sick , but the timing right now just could not be worse . I am more than uncomfortable enough that adding this to the mix is making me quite miserable . Well here is to hoping it will clear up soon . Friday when we hit the big 40 week mark , it will also signal my last day of work till December ! I am so done with the commute , being at work is not bad , it is just the getting back and forth . I think my co - workers will also feel better when I am home , the great ladies I work with check in on me all day long , and give me this I can 't believe you are still here look a lot . A woman from HR that is ~ 35 weeks pregnant , " yelled " at me today to " go home " , can 't say I was not tempted to do so . Here is also to hoping that the little guy will soon make his appearance ! 39 Weeks Good news from the OB today , we have made progress ! I am 2 - 3 cm dilated ! Even though this means very little as to when we can expect Baby C . to make his appearance it does means things are moving along in that direction ! Everything else was good too , I gained 2 pounds this past week ( I blame the amazing food at the Gonzalez / Baldizon Jack & Jill party on Saturday , LOL ) . Blood pressure was almost the same as last week , 126 / 74 , and all the other things they check were all good . The Nurse & OB ask if I have any swelling , I tell them every time YES , and then all they say is that is normal . My feet have been huge for a while now , but goodness the hands hurt now too , just writing out a little note hurts ! At least typing does not seam to bother them as much . So today is September 1st - we will have a baby before this month is over ! WOW ! Greg and I have no more social obligations , so we are just playing the waiting game . I don 't think we need to do anything else before he makes his big arrival . At work we hired another member to our group , and she started last week . The days have been flying by as I train her to fill in for me while I am gone . I am glad I had time to get her up to speed before I left , I won 't have to worry about what is going on here while I am gone . I can 't believe I only have 7 . 5 days left in the office ! If no baby post due date , you will find me walking the streets of North Beverly , and swimming at the gym , or chilling out at home with my feet up watching bad daytime TV . So don 't be afraid to give me a call for a chat , I will welcome the distraction . Lastly my huge self in my 38 week photo : I know a few of you have not gotten to see how we have set up Baby C . 's Nursery . It is not 100 % done , but close enough for me to share with all of you what it looks like now . We just need a few more decor items for the walls , and I got some wood letters that spell out his name that will go over the changing table after he is here ( still trying to keep his name a surprise ) . I am working on some cross - stitch needlework that will go up once it is done , but since it will also have his name , and birthday on it , it won 't be ready to be hung up till he arrives either . The glider rocker is also still in the living room since we both love sitting in it so much , so that will also move into his room once he gets here . A lot of work when into transforming this room , and we are so happy with the results ! Below I am going to post the evolution of this room since we have moved in , and then two videos , the before ( empty room ) , and after ( what is looks like today ) . Here we are standing in the kitchen looking at the landing to the 3rd floor ( door and stairs leading up are on the left ) , and you will note there is no door to the guest room / Jill 's office , that is why there is a curtain there , so when guest came they could close it for some privacy . It was painted yellow when we moved in . This is looking in the room from the entryway , the closet is on the left , as is the nice built in book shelf , and my old small desk . The guest bed is in the only corner of the room that does not have door , etc . In February 2008 I had enough of the yellow , it was too bright , so I painted the room blue , changed the position of the bed , and got a new and bigger desk . I put an Ikea dresser that was in the attic in the room for storage of craft type things . Now to see the room cleaned out an empty ! I had a lot of stuff in the large closet , it took a lot of work to clean out this room and find a new home for everything . The bed went to my parents house , the rest went up to the now shared office space on the 3rd floor , that also went though a lot of redecoratJill Baby Boy is fully cooked ! I can 't believe that after counting down his arrival in months , we now are counting weeks ! He could decided to make his appearance any day in the next 3 - 4 weeks ! Greg is of the opinion he will come early now , I am still planning in my head for him being over due . I admit I am getting frustrated that the simplest of thing have become so difficult . I can 't do much , and I hate seeing things around the house that I should be able to clean , but just can 't reach . Greg does so much already I am not going to make him scrub some spot on the carpet just because it is driving me nuts . As I type Greg is working hard on some house projects , mostly working on trim work on the 3rd floor window , and in the new hallway between the baby 's room and our bed room . We got a lot of work done a few months ago , then we got busy and some finishing projects got put on the back burner . Good thing we ( aka Greg ) got so much of the hard work done long ago before it got so darn HOT , he is not enjoying working so hard this weekend with the heat and humidity . On Friday work had a baby shower for me and another woman who is about a month behind me . I knew it was coming , and was glad that I had someone to share the spotlight with . Greg came in with me , the whole company got hot breakfast served , and they presented us with big baskets full of clothes , blankets , stuffed animals and more . I am so lucky to work at such a great company ! After I emptied out the basket to wash all the clothes , etc I put it on top of the changing table . We had the door open and were letting the cats explore the room a bit , when I came in later in the day to find that Maverick found the basket , and decided it was a great place for a cat nap ! The Mosses Basket A few of the things that came in the basketMaverick likes the basket37 Weeks ! Getting big ! As promised later today I will do a post of the baby 's room , with video ! Or if you want to get real technical today is 36 weeks , and 5 days . We had our weekly apt yesterday afternoon , this week I saw the midwife , same one we saw our very first apt back in February , since my OB is on vacation this week . Nancy is great , and it now I know for sure that next baby we are going to see one of the midwifes vs . the OB for our check - ups . My OB is great , but I think I bore her with my average , normal pregnancy , and I feel a bit rushed each appointment , and really with such a great pregnancy I would like to work with someone who is a little more on the warm and fuzzy side , and all the midwifes I have talked to / worked with at the practice give me that warm and fuzzy feeling . Nancy was happy with my " sample " , as she could plainly see I have been keeping myself well hydrated in all this heat . I have gained 1 pound since last week ( right on target ) , she did not say out loud my BP only that it was good . Baby 's heat beat sound nice and strong at ~ 155 bpm . She tested me for Group B Strep , which if I test positive for means I will need to have antibiotics ( via IV ) when I do go into labor . So let 's hope that comes back negative ! She said the baby 's head is down nice a low too . I think he has been for some time as whenever he gets the hic - ups I feel them down low . Come this Friday when we hit 37 weeks Baby Boy C . is considered FULL TERM ! Yes after Friday he is welcome to make his entrance any day now ! I won 't get my hopes up for an early baby . I am going to go with the mindset that he won 't come till he is overdue at 41 weeks and that way if he does come early it will be a pleasant surprise . We have everything we need for his arrival , except we have not packed bags to be ready to go to the hospital yet . Greg seams more concerned about this than I , as I figure we live only a few miles from the hospital , he or anyone else in my family can gather up anything we forgot or find we need and bring it over to us . This weekend I promise we will have photos up of the nursery , maybe even a before and after video Jill At our baby shower my Mom presented me with the knitted sweater , booties , and hat that my Grandmother ( Mimi ) had knitted for me . It was the outfit I wore home from the hospital on May 7 , 1978 . Since in 1978 ultrasounds were not commonly used , it was unknown if I was to be a boy or a girl , so my Mimi used yellow and white yarn to knit my outfit . Now Baby Boy C . will wear the same outfit home from the hospital that I did ! Yes he will look a little gender neutral , but we don 't care , I am excited to have something so special for him to wear . Here is the sweater set today : And here is what I looked like wearing it back in 1978 ! Not the clearest photos , they are Polaroids and 31 years old : click on the photos to make it bigger and easier to see . We made it to 35 weeks ! Only 5 - 6 more weeks ( or less ) to go ! We are now going to the OB every week until D - Day ! Yesterday 's appointment was still a whole lot more of the same : blood pressure was 124 / 76 , sugar and protein levels are fine , and I have now gained 23 pounds . So let 's talk about what I don 't like about being 35 weeks pregnant in August : SWELLING ! My feet have been swollen for some time now , and it is rather painful to stand for long periods of time or sit in a chair to too long as well . I almost lost it during a breastfeeding class we took at the hospital last week , it stated at 6 : 30 and ran till 8 : 30 , my feet were killing me so bad I wanted to just get up and walk out of the room , but rather than be rude , and in the hopes of learning something we stuck it out . However my 2 cents , that class could have been an hour long and gotten all that info to us in half the time . Then just late last week the swelling moved to my hands in a big way , they were swollen enough already that I had to take my rings off a few weeks ago , but now carpel tunnel has set in on my left hand with a vengeance . I wake up and it takes me a few tries to be able to make a fist . I knew I needed to get a brace , but waited till after my check - up yesterday to do so . OB agreed , and told me to head over to CVS and pick one up . I will say that after just one night of sleeping with the brace I do see some improvement . Sorry for all the complaining , when it does come right down to it , I would put up with all this and so much more for our little guy . I can 't believe we are finally in the home stretch and will get to meet him soon ! His nursery ( photo to come soon ) is just about done ( just decorating to finish ) , and we have everything we need for when he gets here . Greg and I talk about it a lot the excitement of getting to meet him , and how we wish it was sooner . I think once we hit that 38 week mark I am going to do all the things they say can get labor started : lots of walks , spicy food , etc . Strange thing is I am not worried / scared about labor , see I know it is going to hurt , so what is the use of worrying about it now ? Greg is ready to help me the best he can , and I will do what I can to manage the pain , its not going to be fun , but we get a BABY when it is all over ! Here are the latest belly photos : 34 Weeks35 WeeksOn Friday afternoon Greg and I are meeting with a photographer to take some photos of the two of us and the belly ! He is a friend of Tom 's from college and just getting started out , so he gave us a great price ! We are going to have them done at Lynch Park just like we did with our engagement photos . I can 't wait to share them with you all . We had our bi - weekly check up today , and as always everything is great . I only gained 1 lb these past two weeks , blood pressure is good ( 120 / 47 I think ) , baby 's heart beat was around 123 - 130 bpm . We had a few questions to ask this visit : I have concert tickets and Greg wanted me to check that it was OK to go , OB say yes . I asked her how long she would let me go before she would want to induce labor if all signs are still showing healthy baby and Mom , she said 1 - 1 . 5 weeks ( I sure hope we can get things stated naturally and won 't need any medical intervention ) . We also heard that the hospital is now letting patients have a self - medicating epidurals ( meaning I would have a push button to up the baseline level of medication when I see fit , you can 't over medicate the machine won 't let you ) , and the answer was yes again . We were told studies find that when woman can self medicate , they tend to use less medication than if just given the highest dosage possible , and Greg and I agree the more control we have , the better . Then my last question was when for baby boys they preform a circumcision , she said they do this the day after the baby is born , and neither Mom or Dad are present for the quick procedure . Poor little dude , as if being born was not traumatic enough for him we are going to send him off the next day alone with the nurse , to well . . . I don 't need to spell this out for you . Anywho on to a more fun topic . Last night I had my belly casted in plaster ! Our friend Carla is a newly trained Doula ( don 't know what a Doula is - click here ) , and she was looking for someone to try this out on , so it can be something she can offer future clients on top of her superior services and a birth Doula . Greg and I made the decision after much discussion to give this birth thing a shot on our own , but if you are someone who may be interested in having a Doula help you though the process of giving birth ( especially if you hope to go completely natural - aka no pain medication ) we both highly recommend her ! She is very knowledgeable , Posted by I knew that as soon as my Mom found she was going to be a grandmother back in January she got right down to knitting some special things for baby boy C . My Dad and brothers were all sworn under the punishment of the wrath of Mom to not to let Greg or I know what she was working on until the baby shower . Just as I expected the last gift we opened at the shower was a basket of homemade goodies by Mom . Well I hope everyone else in the room was just as amazed by the results ! On top of two blankets , and three very cute sweater sets , there was a knitted hat and booties that will be his first Halloween costume to make him look like a pumpkin , and a huge assortment of stuffed animals that will be his first toys ! I think my brother put the work that went into all these gifts in his description of a typical night at home with Mom best : " Every night Mom would sit down , listen to the Red Sox game on the TV , and would knit with the speed , and efficiency of a Chinese sweat shop worker ! " Then there was one last very special gift , my Mom presented me with the yellow sweater , hat , and booties that my Mimi had made for me ( her 1st grandchild ) and I had worn home from the hospital . Now my Mom 's first grandchild will also wear it home from the hospital ! I will scan the photos for this post that my Mom gave me of myself in the outfit getting ready to head home as soon as Greg reconnects the printer / scanner . Here are the close up photos of Mom 's hard work ( not sure why some photos are not turned right , I fixed them before I upload them ) : Big Blanketsmaller cotton blanketSanta hat for ChristmasPumpkin Halloween costumeSweater set oneSweater set twoSweater set 3The FishThe OctopusThe DuckThe Black CatThe Siamese CatThe Bunny BlanketThe MouseThe BunnyThe SheepThe CaterpillarThe Puppy |
June 14 , 2016February 12 , 2017 Jessica Macbeth4 Comments God / dess was quietly sipping Hir chamomile tea and thinking S / He would like to dream another new world , a better world . S / He liked to challenge Hirself to make each world better than the one before . That was what S / He did to comfort Hirself when things got difficult . It had been another rough week . It was , of course , the Earthlings still at it . It seemed such a shame . They made so many sweet babies ( too many really ) , but things just kept getting worse there . You had to give them credit - wrecking the climate worldwide while simultaneously making global war based purely on bigotry and greed had taken a lot of ingenuity . But you had to deduct all those points and more because they had actually done exactly that . God / dess knew that poor Earthmother was doing the best she could , but everyone was realizing that something had gone seriously amiss there . Giving them total freedom to develop had seemed like a good idea - after all , it had worked well in so many other worlds . Didn 't they realize that they needed to fix things for themselves ? That freedom included responsibility for themselves ? Just then the computer alarm went off - again . Prayers were flooding in at an unprecedented rate . S / He shifted Hir focus of awareness and found the office and courtyard outside full of doves , with an occasional cuckoo scattered among them . S / He held out a finger to the closest bird and it hopped on . Fluttering , it gasped out , " Florida , nightclub , 50 plus shot dead , more inj - " and fainted dead away . " I 'm on it , " S / He whispered grimly . Thousands , possibly millions of birds immediately disappeared , their message delivered . There were still thousands more . Possibly millions . Each one carried a message of unnecessary death and sorrow . S / He took a message from one of the cuckoos . " Please , we need a complete reset . This is just getting worse . " God / dess almost smiled . Trust a pagan to say " please " . They did like to keep up the old traditions - when they remembered them . The keyboard clicked > Earth > Humans >… . Hmmm . S / He thought about it for a full millisecond in all dimensions simultaneously , flipping through the possibilities far faster than light could move . DNA ? No … it was so flawed - complexity upon complexity . Healers ? Too few . Purge guns from the world ? That might help temporarily , but not enough . There were so many parts of this , but it boiled down to a fundamental double - sided flaw in so very many humans - believing that they mattered more than other people and thinking that it was their right to do whatever they wanted to others . No empathy ; no compassion , no true feeling for the community of all earth . A few more keys clicked . The big green key went down and stayed there . Throughout the multiverse , the Powers converged on Earth . Within three milliseconds , they had checked all life forms and deleted those lacking empathy or compassion . God / dess was pleased to note that the population problem was immediately eliminated . But there needed to be healing as well . This would require finesse … As dawn rolled around the planet , people woke and were astonished to find the world so still , rather like that silence that falls with the snow . Only this stillness had a crystalline quality as if everything were waiting to burst into song . And there was a subliminal sound of something - of comfort , of joy , of loving - a subdued and mellow rumble and roar . Nearly everywhere there were people missing . The U . S . Congress , the various Houses of Parliament all over the world , and many other governing bodies and bureaucracies were decimated . Some were empty but for the tea ladies and floor sweepers . Rulers - kings , dictators , generalissimos - had all vanished . Armed forces were left almost without officers and some of their men had vanished - and those who were left were happily using the bombers to dump explosives into volcanoes and cheering at the fireworks . Some pulpits were empty . God / dess hesitated a moment here . Grinning , S / He set up a subroutine that would instantly stamp the word LIAR in flashing florescent letters on the forehead of anyone misusing Hir Word out of insanity or for personal power . S / He thought of a certain comb - over and Hir grin grew wider . The presses of the big newspapers were nearly silent . Among the smaller news distributors , some were buzzing busily and in others the computers and presses had melted into a stinking , smoking heap of slag . In many businesses , some offices were empty , especially the bigger and more luxurious ones on the higher floors . Wall Street and other stock exchanges were less populated than the moon . Banks … well , we don 't want to even think about the bigger banks . No , not at all . It was that way everywhere - the people who cared about others survived , even the ones who needed a lot of improvement and had foolishly followed false " leaders " . In the place of each and every missing person , there was a small ginger and cream cat . Fluffy . With big eyes and very endearing ways . And the tiny cats purred . Everywhere . Their purr was bigger than they were - that was the rumble heard around the world . And the purr made all hearts beat together - that was the soft roar in everyone 's ears . People just stood around , blissfully smiling at the sky , at the trees , at each other . Smiling . It would be hours before they realized that they wanted breakfast . And they wanted breakfast together . May 22 , 2016 Jessica Macbeth4 Comments Sometimes when I have had a very busy day , thinking hard and taking things seriously , I can 't sleep . The windmill fronds in my mind are still turning , even with no wind to impel them . Then the faeries take a hand . They think it is very odd that I continue to take things so seriously even when there is nothing left to take . ( Truth to tell , they think I take things too seriously , period . They think I should be called Jessica Sirius Macbeth so I could take my black dog with me everywhere - seriously mixed mythical metaphors . ) So I sit up , switch the computer on , and write . I do not claim responsibility for what comes out , but I don 't deny it either . Here are some small poems ( of sorts ) written while the windmill unwinds … March 31 , 2016 Jessica Macbeth3 Comments The Universe is trying to spiral up and out . Light wishes to expand . It 's what light does . It shines . It spreads . It moves . When and why did saying ' please ' and ' thank you ' go out of fashion ? I notice on the internet , especially Facebook , that people who want to share something someone else has posted like to say that they are ' stealing ' it - and yet in most cases it was put there to be shared . So what is the big difficulty in using words like ' please ' and ' thank you ' and ' sharing ' that is so hard that people would rather say they are ' stealing ' something ? Sometimes others say that they are not going to ' beg ' for something , meaning that they are not going to say ' please ' . When and why did a small courtesy become a humiliation in their minds ? When did snatching something away from someone become a better thing than saying , ' May I please have … ? ' When I ask people about this , they laugh and say , " I want to be a pirate . " Oh . Or , " I think it 's cute . " Really ? ( Another of the things the Fae like to say is , " You become what you pretend to be . " But we [ perhaps ] will talk about that some other time . ) Yet … the Fae keep telling me that saying ' thank you ' is very important . It gives energy back , keeps that energy from stagnating , dying . To keep it alive , keep it moving . If we say ' thank you ' and ' you 're welcome ' appropriately , we keep circulating that kind of energy . We channel energy into words and actions , and if that energy is " plus " ( charged ) , it is re - energized and becomes stronger in each of us . Each time we stop , everyone is drained a bit . People who want to grab it all and hold on are just holding onto something that is dying . The only way to keep it charged , to keep ourselves full and overflowing is to keep passing it on . Now , every healer knows that when you channel energy it fills you as well as filling the person you 're trying to channel it to - unless , of course , you 're being silly and using your own energy for the healing ( more about that some other time ) . There is a lot of energy in O Universe - more than we can imagine , more than we can use in a sesquillion lifetimes . And , if we handle it right , the energy we use becomes stronger - and it circulates . So I have to ask myself what am I doing to put energy back into the circuit of kindness ? Of courtesy ? Of healing ? Of compassion ? The energy that propels the universe - look at a galaxy - it moves . And all the galaxies together move . They comprise the universe - and all the universes together are the multiverse , which ( you guessed it ) moves . We are always doing something . Even doing " nothing " is letting the energy become stagnant , leak out . What puts the " charge " or " plus " or " energy " into the system ? What keeps it all from running down ? What kind of energy are we moving , you and I ? Shall I tell you what the Fae say ? They say that the way we add to the creative , healing , compassionate , joyful energy in the universe is by feeling joy or gratitude or kindness . Can you believe that it 's that simple ? Every time you generate a truly good feeling in yourself it puts a stronger positive spin on the energy of the universe . It adds that spin to the non - local consciousness of O Universe . It changes the Multiverse . Every single honest smile changes the Multiverse . p . s . I just looked up at Marzipan . She smiles . Partly , it 's the markings on her face that give her a smiling look . But it 's also the slight pucker of her mouth that pulls her whiskers forward in true cat 's smile . It 's the way her ears perk up , listening for a friendly word , and her head tilts slightly as she gives that cat 's slow blink of affection as she sits erect , paws neatly together , attentive , waiting for a loving response . Utterly charming . You really can 't not smile back . And the Multiverse grows . March 8 , 2016 Jessica Macbeth15 Comments Once upon a time I made a Journey to the Isle of Iona in Scotland . In fact I made a lot of trips there because Iona is one of my heart 's homes . But this journey was special , though short , partly because it was a particularly Interesting Time in my life and partly because it seemed improbable that I 'd ever get to go back to Iona again . So , it seemed that I needed something I could carry with me for a memento , though I 'm in no danger of forgetting the sacred isle . While there I looked at all the pebbles on the beaches ( well , nearly all ) . None felt right . The summer flowers were considered and some seeds falling from the tiny purple ones on the nunnery wall were gathered to plant at home , but that wasn 't it either . After looking in all the gift shops at everything , the right choice seemed to be a ring - a silver Celtic ring with endless knotwork on it . Good symbolism . It was a typical touristy bit of jewelry , nothing special , inexpensive , but it breathed " Iona … " And it fit . I was so pleased to have found it ! Goal achieved ! I wore the ring as I left the island . Ferry to Mull , bus to Craignure , ferry to Oban … and then rebellion set in . No more public transport for now ! I wanted to savor the back country roads on the way back to town . So , I walked up the hill and out on the back road from Oban , a light pack with just a change of clothes on my back , some fruit and water , and a heavy heart . I 'd driven it before but I wanted to walk it this time . There were plenty of back roads to get me to Balloch at the foot of Loch Lomand and then back to Glasgow by bus through all the industrial and crowded area . I 'd decided to accept rides if offered and to hitchhike when it got late in the long summer day , but to walk as much as possible while still getting back on time . Walking felt good . Resting when needed and munching apples bought in Oban , I made my way along single track roads peacefully and happily . This part of Scotland has an abundance of ancient stones and monuments - cairns , standing stones , many and varied stone circles . My route took me past a small circle that I 'd never seen before . These stones were smallish and low in the grass , the circle not more than nine feet or so across , and not very visible from the road unless one happened to be walking slowly and looking at everything . It seemed to be radiating a strong call to come closer , to linger in the circle for a while . I don 't turn down enticements like that . Over the knee - high drystone wall I went , and stopped just outside the circle , waiting until certain that I was truly welcome into the center . At last , sitting in the circle 's center I began to feel a subtle pressure to do something . There was , without words , a request - not for something for the Powers of the circle , but to do something that would be helpful to me . I sat and listened meditatively . Reluctantly , but bit by bit , I got it that it would be appropriate and healing for me to put all my past , especially including my time on Iona , into my ring - and bury it in the center of the circle , a small place of power in the network of light that runs from circles to megaliths , to cairns , to standing stones , to whatever else has been rooted in Earthmother with healing intentions . Just leaving without gifting anything to the circle seemed quite impossible . Nothing else I had seemed really acceptable . There were disgraceful tears and pleadings . Now I am older and far more experienced , but then , in my forties , I hadn 't fully learned that the only sacrifice that matters is oneself , from the heart . It wasn 't about the ring ; it was about me - the ring was only a holder of energy - and I didn 't know that . Finally , I let myself be aware of how much love there was in this asking . It felt unbounded . This was all intended to help me , to strengthen me . I needed for the ring to be there , just there and nowhere else . Not on my finger but in the earth . I can 't say that I believed this or that it made any sense , but it felt right so I dug a small hole at the center of hard - packed earth of the circle . It wasn 't very deep , but there was nothing around to use to help in digging . It was only a couple of inches down . With a trickle of tears , the ring went into the earth from which it had once come , was covered over , and the earth tamped well down above it so the digging left no mark . Left to my own devices I 'd probably have piled a cairn of large stones over it , but that was gently refused . Someone smiled at the idea , but I wasn 't in an appreciative nor grateful mood . Back on the road , I turned back once to say a small and wordless prayer for what I 'd done to be right . It felt like the light had gone out of the day , though the sun still shone . I 'd had enough . It was easy to walk to the nearest main road and hitch a lift to Balloch . There I had a fish and chips supper while looking out over Loch Lomand . Walking toward the nearest bus stop to catch the bus to Glasgow , the sun was in my eyes . I almost ignored the glitter of something in the gutter , but the second or third time it sparkled , I became curious and stepped into the street to fish it out of the mud . Wiping off the mud , I stood there transfixed . Silver gleamed and there in my grubby hand was a muddy silver ring - out of the earth and cobblestones of the road . The muddy ring was the right size and slid easily onto my finger , but the design was different from the Iona ring . Instead of the typical Celtic pattern of endless knots , this ring had stars and moons raised from a dark bed , like a night sky . I had a vague thought of turning it in at the local police station , but though it had gone on so easily it wouldn 't come off my finger . This woke me up out of my shocked daze enough to realize that this ring was for me . With stars and moons in the night sky - something that connects all the sacred spaces of the world , wherever we may be . ( Now , of course , I 'm seeing that as a symbol of non - local consciousness as well as of faery , but then I only saw the faery sky . ) Some years after receiving the ring but many years ago now , I sat in a barrow in England a few miles from Bath . Sitting there , wearing my faery ring , I made an inner journey to see what was wanted of me at that time . Instead of being asked for things , I was shown gifts . One of them came to me then , but others were in reserve for later . One of the " later on " gifts was a small ginger cat , who was described as " the firecat " . The sword I was given then was placed in my spine , the hilt across the hips . Invisible . Mysterious . Strengthening . The cat stayed asleep in a small curl in a niche in the barrow wall . Then , years later I learned about Richard 's ring . I was telling the story of my ring on Facebook and Richard , a real life friend as well as a Facebook friend , said , " You won 't believe this … Oh , I guess you will . I think I have a ring just like that . " He took a photo and posted it on Facebook . And , yes , it 's like mine . Of course , I asked him how he got it . I 'd never seen another one anywhere . Now I wonder how many people have them and how they happened to get them ? It seems that he was in college at the time , having a difficult time figuring out where he was going in life and why . Especially in question was his spiritual path . One day he was lying on his back on the grass in the sunshine . He felt something under his back , poking at him . When he looked to see what it was , it was the silver ring , deep in the grass . It , too , was a gift from EarthMother , and of course , it fit him perfectly . The same stars and moons on the night sky . Earthmother and the fae . This was the message he needed about his spiritual path . At that time , I 'd just recently found my ring among some old jewelry that had been packed away for several years - this was why I was writing about it and thinking about what it meant to me now . Richard hadn 't been wearing his either at that point . We both wondered , really , what were we thinking ? We wanted to have them on all of the time . I 've been wearing mine since . Today , sitting here writing , my miniature ginger cat , Marzipan , is on my knee . She watches me type , her eyes wise and wide and deep - like moons . Marzipan was born to be a star . Everyone who meets her knows that she is a natural star , a tiny , fiery cat of creativity and wisdom and mischief . Right now , she is sitting on my knee , but sometimes when I 'm typing , she puts one paw on my hand . It 's probably not a co - incidence that she usually puts it right on my faery ring of moons and stars , is it ? January 1 , 2016 Jessica Macbeth9 Comments Okay , a New Year 's Eve story from several years ago . Don 't know why I haven 't told it before , but I haven 't . It 's kind of long for the internet . It was a bitterly cold night . There had been quite a bit of snow , a brief thaw , and now there was a mixture of slick ice , rough re - frozen lumps of snow here and there , and the freezing cold of the air . It wasn 't late - maybe 7 pm - and I 'd suddenly realized that all the shops would be closed on the morrow and I was out of cat food - not mention various important bits of human food . Poor , but I had enough to get cat food and a bit of people food . Dear heavy old Volvo - there was no stopping her once gravity took hold . She slid toward the ditch between street and house and started inexorably down toward the bottom four feet away , nose - first . I slammed the brakes on hard - unwise tactics on ice , but there was nothing to lose at that point . She stopped halfway into the ditch , badly tilted , and with the front wheels in the cold , thin air of open space . The car frame under me resting on the ground , and the back wheels loosely touching - no traction at all , but gently kissing the earth . Balanced . Just . My foot stayed as hard on the brakes as it could go and the car trembled on her balance point with my every movement , every breath . I hung on . The stars looked down as stars do at such moments with apparent total disinterest . No one was outside - not in that cold . I waited . And waited , all of my focus on that brake pedal . Eventually an old car pulled up across the street where I knew an elderly woman lived . A pile of men and boys got out . Noticing my strangely precarious parking spot , the eldest in the lead as a string of others followed , all strolled ponderously across the icy street toward me , almost like a herd of peaceful elephants drifting across the veldt toward an interesting but not threatening curiosity . How had they all gotten into that ordinary - sized car ? I rolled down my window and Eldest stated matter - of - factly , " Hey , you got a problem here . " He nodded . They ambled around the car , quietly discussing the problem . I sat with my foot hard on the brake . The parking brake never was worth much , but I had pulled it , slowly and carefully , on all the way on as well . Eldest , gray hair shining in the faint light like a halo , gently drifted back to the window and announced , " Some of the boys sit on the back , bring her rear end down to ground , some push her up and back from the front , and some pull her backwards with ropes up on the parking lot while you give her a little gas . Not much or she just slip . We do it . " I wish I could do a Samoan accent here , but I can 't so you 'll have to do the best you can with making it yourself . And did you know that some Samoans are BIG people ? These were tall and sturdy . I couldn 't count them , milling around in the dark as they were , but the grown ones were massive and both they and the boys were enthusiastic . Yes , it might be possible . It wasn 't . Even several large Samoans in bulky , heavy winter coats didn 't seem to outweigh the engine and strongly - built front end hanging out in space . ( Old Volvos were famous for their strength and toughness . ) I wound up six inches farther into the ditch in spite of the vein - pounding , strong pushing and pulling . I was seriously frightened for the ones in the front , who seemed not willing to give up . I jammed the brakes back on . Eldest came back to the window . I mentioned , not really hopeful , that it might be a good idea to call a tow truck . Eldest shook his head . " New Year 's Eve , all this ice - tow truck busy everywhere . Not come for hours , if come ever . And if tow truck do come , he call cops and report . " He slowly shook his head . All of them shook their heads like big tree tops waving in a strong wind . " Not wanting cops . Just trouble , cops . Big fines , maybe jail . You not want cops . " I agreed . I didn 't want cops . Really , I couldn 't pay for a tow truck anyway . I sat with my both of my feet jammed on the brake , one on top of the other - the first leg had long since started to quiver with the strain and needed its mate to help . ( It occurs to me now , as it didn 't then , that with the back wheels off the ground the brakes probably weren 't doing any good at all , but even if I 'd thought of that at the time , nothing could have made me release them . Opening a window was okay , opening a heavy door , letting it swing its weight forward as it opened was unthinkable in that precarious position . ) Considering things slowly with my near - frozen brain , I said , " We could do it with a heavy truck . With chains on its tires . And a big chain to pull the car . Because an ordinary rope just isn 't going to do this . But … we don 't have any of this . " He said , " Yeah , we don 't got , but maybe I know where we get . " He sent several men off in their car on incomprehensible errands and went with them . He left two of the sturdiest to stand guard over me . I don 't know what they could have done if the car decided to tip another inch and go down nose - first into that steep , deep ditch . Then I noticed that two more of the biggest had quietly gone to the back and were sitting on it again . I don 't know if that really helped , but it was comforting . And what to my wondering eyes did appear but a huge behemoth of a truck lumbering down the road ? Looking about to fall apart , but certainly meeting the criteria of big , it pulled ponderously into place behind me with gentle mutterings and rattles . There was still plenty of room in the parking lot . The driver , sized to fit his truck , gazed at the car calmly , considered , nodded once , smiled at me , went to the back of the truck , and began pulling chains out , letting them clank and clatter to the ground . There was a rattle of tire chains as they struggled with these fairly foreign - to - us - coastal - Washingtonians objects . At last , the tire chains seemed in order , and they began rattling and tugging at a much more mammoth chain , stretching it out on the ground . It looked a lot like a massive boat 's anchor chain . They hooked it on to the truck and wrapped it thoroughly onto and around the strongest points under the back of my car ( whatever they were ) and looped it back to the truck . It certainly wasn 't hitched to the wee metal loop meant for hooking things onto . Nor to the rusted back bumper . With a final jerk and a tug that jolted the car and made my stomach somersault , they stood back . Eldest checked the chain and nodded . The truck driver checked it and nodded . The nods ran through the rest of the watching forest . Back at my window again , Eldest said to me . " Truck pull , you feel her moving back , take foot off brake and give her little gas . In reverse , " he stressed , looking at me intently to be sure I understood . Feet still pushing hard on the brake , I restarted the engine , let her idle , and put her gently almost into reverse . He grinned and patted the window frame . I nodded , thoroughly rejecting a sneaky , scared inner vision of the chain breaking under the stress , the truck plummeting into and through the houses on the other side of the parking lot , and the Volvo and I diving down into the hole ahead . Even in the snow , the ditch looked hard and dangerous . I knew from personal observation that it had big rocks in the bottom , and by now that ditch yawned fifteen feet deep in my mind . Or maybe even bottomless . I knew it was three or four , but it felt like fifteen . Or bottomless . " We do , lady , we do . " Deep voice at the window . Very reassuring . I believed him - by then I couldn 't imagine him not doing anything he was determined to do . The truck rattled , coughed a few times , and revved up with an uncertain rumble . I noticed that all my other neighbors had silently disappeared . I hoped they were not all in the house right in front of the truck . The chain tightened and the Volvo quivered . I could feel every link in the chain go taut . Go , baby , go ! Be a real Volvo ! We began to move very slowly , inching backwards , the car 's undercarriage scraping along the gravelly ground . I took my foot off of the brakes , put her into reverse , and gave her a little touch more gas . The front end started to rise as the wheels began to touch the edge of the ditch . Finally , they were back up on terra firma . Another two slow feet back . Eldest slapped the side of the car and shouted once . A word I didn 't know . The truck stopped . I put on the parking brakes and turned the ignition off . As I climbed out of the car on trembling and shaky legs - I had been holding the brake down as hard as I could for over an hour with both feet and every bit of strength I had and I might have been afloat on a sea of adrenaline . I was surrounded by huge grins and happy murmurs of approval . There may have been the patting of backs and shaking of hands amid the clank of chains being removed . I reached back in the car for my purse , but Eldest put his hand on my arm , and shook his head " no " . Fiat ! I began babbling , " Thank you thank you thank you thank you " over and over . I hugged Eldest and he hugged me back . I hugged all of them , I think , there in the dark and cold , still babbling . Samoans , these Samoans , my neighbors did great hugs . I needed all of them , giving and receiving in the only currency that met the need of that moment . He laughed and slapped the car again . " You go ! She good car ! You go ! " There was a chorus of quiet laughter and approving " you go ! " and I went . I must have been crazy - the snow plows had been along the main streets but hadn 't done much good there and had not even attempted anything in the supermarket 's parking lot . But I got the cat food and with the rest of my money I bought the biggest cake , the most lavish cake I could find . It said ' Happy New Year ' on it in Spanish . That seemed appropriate - good will expressed mutually incomprehensibly . When I got home again , I fed the cats and went across the road to where the Samoan grandmother lived by herself , though I 'd noticed before that she was rarely truly by herself - family was always popping in and out . I knocked on her door , and it was answered by Grandmother herself , matriarch of the clan . I 'm far from young , and I 've my share of wrinkles , but she had wrinkles from here to forever . They got even crinklier and wrinklier as she smiled her eyes into shiny slits and nodded . She knew the whole story from a viewpoint I 'd never know . I handed her the cake and said several more fervent thank yous . We couldn 't speak a intelligible word to each other , but we both got it . She hugged me and gestured for me to come in . I could hear a boisterous family party of all ages going on behind her . I was overcome by a fit of unusual shyness and with a final " thank you , " I bolted for home . It was my best New Year 's Eve ever . I don 't know how many New Year 's Eve parties I 'd disrupted that evening , but everyone seemed to think their evening all the better for the disruption . A rescue ! What fun ! It might have been a lot better still had I been a little braver and less of a hermit . It might have changed my life then and changed my entire perception of my neighborhood . It did change it some , but it might have been a lot more . A revelation . Still , it was no longer seemed a totally unfriendly place of strangers to me . After that , when I went out and daughters were sitting in the sun watching grandchildren play , the daughters and I smiled and said hello . Tall , bulky young men passing on the street waved and lit up with a smile . A gift . A precious gift . It is now 4 AM on January 1st , anno domini 2016 . All of us now still breathing have made it into yet another year . My adventures have been " interesting " in this year past as well and taught me much about community and family , I 'm grateful for what this and all of the years before have taught me about what makes people strong , what makes people weak , about family , about community , about people who have it and people who don 't . If we stand on the solid ground of a cohesive family , a sharing community , it is far easier to reach out to others in need . If our foundations rest on the shifting sands of casual friends who are here today and gone tomorrow , it is much harder to realize that " everyone for themselves " and " look out for number one " are just nonsense , both impossible and foolish . We need each other . At unexpected moments and impossible - to - predict times , we need each other . We can 't just turn our backs and walk away . I wanted to share this journey with you because this is unlike my usual inner journeys in that it doesn 't have a set format . Those of you who have been in my classes and / or read my book Sun over Mountain may remember that we use guided imagery for many purposes . There were a lot of questions for the person journeying to help them understand the images that arose for them . This time , instead , we find me wandering around , looking for my path , and simply allowing it to open before me . This process is more structured than a daydream and less so than guided imagery with a set pattern - and I wanted you to see how it might work for you . Before beginning the journey , the first thing I did was to draw a card from my personal oracle - a blend of the Faeries ' Oracle and my unfinished Faery Wisdom Journey Oracle : I usually begin these journeys by entering a cave , but that doesn 't feel right tonight . I let my mind wander , looking for a way in , allowing impressions to simply arise in my mind . I gradually realize that I 'm surrounded by mist and darkness . I don 't see a way at all . But then a thought drifts by that the theme here is probably about trusting the process . As soon as that dawns ( O , the fae are such punsters ) , I sense myself standing in misty moonlight . Pale in the western sky is the setting Moon . She looks about five days old - more than a slim new crescent but less than a quarter - She is young , full of hopes and dreams and creative energy , and closely following the Sun . Barely , I see the darkness of Glastonbury Tor outlined against the lighter , but darkening sky . Walking towards the crest of the Tor is easy walking - far easier for me than climbing it in the so - called " real " world - just a gentle upward slope . ( Or I 'm stronger here , which is something to think about later . ) Barefoot , the grass tenderly caresses my soles . Lightly moving upward , I begin to see the silhouette of St . Michael 's Tower against the starless sky . As always , from a distance , there are faint lights moving around the tower as the energy fountains up from the many ley lines here . No one else seems to be there - no faery , no people , no ancestors , no winds - just silence , so I simply sit on the grass , patiently still . After a while a small , white , short - haired kitten , hight Gwenhwyfar , comes and sits precariously on my knee . She is so young , she is still wobbly . I ask her if she is my guide , and she nods her head vigorously , nearly falling over . She has long tufts on her ears , and they are very charming , waving in the moonlit air . She hops down onto the grass , regains her balance , and skitters off , racing around the tower - one , two , three circuits deasil , followed by three circles widdershins . She then dashes into the tower , and squeaks loudly to call me . I get up . ( Getting up from the ground is also much easier than I 'm accustomed to in " real " life as well - perhaps I should come here to live ! ) Following Gwenhwyfar into the tower , I expect it to be dark - and it is as dark as it can possibly be . My toes bump against stone . Bending over and feeling the stone with my hand I find stone steps , which I 've never seen in the tower before . They stick out from the wall , with spaces between them , like the spiral steps in a round tower . Since St . Michael 's tower is square , it provides a larger step at every corner . It 's probably just as well that I can 't see their worn , irregular shapes . Above my head , Gwenhwyfar mews loudly , her voice echoing up and down the tower like an full choir of kittens . It seems that the easiest thing to do is to go up on all fours as she did . But it isn 't - I hadn 't realized I was wearing a robe , which is now tangling under my feet . Carefully standing erect again with my left hand on the wall and lifting the robe with my right , I can creep up the stones without stumbling . Gwenhwyfar startles me by racing down and brushing around my ankles , saying " Mrrr , mrrrrrr ! " which clearly means " Hurry up ! " After several more steps , I feel a soft pressure on the top of my head as if I were pushing against a light balloon . Suddenly , with a pop the pressure disappears and my head pokes through … something . Now my eyes are in the light , but below them everything is still in darkness . The light is silvery - clear and there is something floating in it - dust motes ? Faery glitter ? Tiny , they are , yet intensely bright . Carefully , but a bit lighter and faster , I continue up the stairs until my feet also enter the light . I 'd like to sit down there , but Gwenhwyfar is hooking her tiny claws into the hem of my robe , tugging so hard I 'm afraid that she will tumble off the steps . It feels like a very long way down . Hmmm … if she is a spirit cat or a faery cat or even an imaginary cat , would the fall hurt her ? Or would she simply levitate up and bat me on the nose for recalcitrance ? Best not to find out any of those things , best just to go to the top and hope for a place to rest there . Climbing up , the light changes - first to a gentle red , then to pale peach , then a light but warmly sunny yellow , a clear cool sea green , a dreamy blue , crystalline amethyst , and then the purest white I can imagine . We are at the top , no doors , no windows , the narrow openings to the outside are below us , and although I know there is no roof above us , there is a pearlescent something - a mist ? An out - of - focus ceiling ? It glows . It was a long ascent upward . I sit on the top step and Gwenhwyfar leans against me . I feel her purring . She climbs up my robe , vibrating busily . Kitten - like , she wants to be on top of my head . Her purr resonates in my skull , echos in my mouth . The air gradually fills with a wordless musical hum , at first barely audible , then becoming more clear as we listen . It sounds like antiphonal plainsong without words . The high notes are almost the chime of small silver bells , the rich low tones make the tower tremble , the notes between all reverberate , resounding from my bones , from all of the rigid or taut places within me . As they sound the muscles go soft , the notes going through the bones like a hollow flute , hallowed by their song . September 20 , 2015 Jessica Macbeth7 Comments I want to understand my sister . I have this deeply ingrained belief that understanding leads to being able to help . BUT ! Without a medical miracle this wish will never come true . Dementia is cruel that way . Understanding depends on things having a reason , but dementia reduces everything to fragments , disconnected from any reason , free - floating in a destroyed brain . " NO ! " she replies indignantly . " You 're not listening . I didn 't say cats - I said bats ! Those black things that fly . " About three this morning she came into my room to wake me . I was already awake , of course - the cats tell me immediately when she is up and roaming . She was amused and wanted to tell me about the man and the two little boys who had just come into her room . One of the boys was looking for a dog , but the father told him that the dog wasn 't there , and they left . She thought this was quite funny and asked , " What would I be doing with a dog ? Shall I fix you your breakfast ? " ( She can find the kitchen now , but as for fixing breakfast , no . She spent twenty minutes the other day trying to bring me a glass of water that she had offered to get for me . I usually say , " No , thank you . " This time I said , " Yes , please " just to see what would happen . The kitchen was ten feet from where I was sitting . She often can 't get that far before forgetting why she has gone there . It took 20 minutes of restarts before the glass of water wound up on the table beside me . ) " O , that would be all right , " she responded glumly . She had visions of I - don 't - know - what - and never will know . She went back to bed and was sleep before I could get the toaster going , so I left the snack on the tray beside her bed . She 'll eat it when she wakes up again in the night . She won 't know or need to know where it came from , and she won 't remember it in the morning . She might ask me why a plate is in her bed , but probably not . It may be inside the pillow case with the pillow . But the food will be gone . It is a bit like making offerings to a capricious god - they are almost always taken , but one is never sure by whom or what . Our days and our nights have little consistency . Her viewpoint is chaotic , without order , most things forgotten very rapidly and things remembered that never happened . But it 's quite remarkable how much chaos can be created in a house by one elderly , exceedingly slow - moving woman , unsteady on her feet , who cannot remember where she was going or why or what she picked up along the way nor where she put it down . I yearn for order , for reason , for understanding , for a way to make things better - for her and for me . Even for the cats who are bewildered by her and wary of her slow fumbling traverses of the house . They watch her with perplexed and concerned eyes . So do I . I want to understand her , but it isn 't going to happen . It 's like living with a natural force - a storm , a tidal wave , a fire . Things don 't have to have any reason why - at least not a reason within the scale of human comprehension . September 17 , 2015 Jessica Macbeth4 Comments I have to tell you the bad news first . I 've just realized that I know where Ol ' Mama Karma lives . Not for her the big marble palace in the sky equipped with golden thrones and swift - flying horses and an armory full of thunder bolts . No . Not for her all that Sturm und Drang of traveling at a breakneck pace around the world to smite the sinner with her lightning ( along with a hapless shepherd or two up in the high summer pastures with his dogs and sheep ) . No . These days it would drive her wild to have to keep up with all of our iniquitous behavior . She has it all worked out in the simplest , most economical , most comfortable way - for her . Ol ' Mama Karma lives in the center of every and each heart , where she putters around quite happily as long as all is well . It isn 't our making an error that brings her into action . No . She forgives mistakes - as long as we learn from them and don 't make them again . But the second time , when we know ( or at least suspect that we know ) better … ah , then ! An error repeated darkens our heart , making it colder , and so for the sake of comfort , she reaches out with her broom , and gives a firm whack on the tender , vulnerable wall of the heart . This reminder sends a quiver and a shiver , a palpitation and a pulsation undulating through body , mind , and spirit . We know when we 've done wrong . All the denial , all the self - justification , the rationalization , the self - vindication , and the outright whitewashing we do cannot hide us from ourselves successfully . See how neat it is ? She scarcely has to do a thing . And speaking of punishing , not only do we recognize our own wrong - doing , but we instigate our own chastisement as well . We know just exactly how guilty we are , and we put ourselves in the way of our own penance . She might prefer that we simply learn something so we 'd actually do better next time , but by her own rules , she sits and watches , knitting and nodding ( or shaking her head ) , often with a tiny smile on her beautiful , ageless face , as she practices the natural magic of letting things happen with just the least little nudge . It 's a system that has worked nearly effortlessly ( for her ) for eons - possibly as far back as the first amoeba , perhaps right back to the hearts of the miniscule molecules of the precursors of life . She is in our own hearts , as much a part of us as the beat of them and of the breath that keeps them going . She simply lives in our hearts . Just that . August 22 , 2015 Jessica Macbeth2 Comments I wrote this story a number of years ago when I still lived in Scotland . It is based on an old Celtic legend . I wanted to post something here today , but none of the three things I 've been working on are quite ready , and this is one of my favorites . I hope you enjoy it as much as I do . Do you know the Celtic legend of the cuckoo ? As I write this at the end of June , the cuckoo is calling in my back garden . The West of Scotland is magical country , suitable for a magical bird , and we hear the cuckoo 's call to tell us that spring is truly here , regardless of what the weather may be doing . It seems that the gods decided ( for godly reasons , no doubt ) that they wanted to stop the to - ing and fro - ing between Tir - nan - Og ( the Land of Eternal Youth ) and the mundane world . Probably having so many mortals ( heroes and druids and suchlike ) rollicking about lowered the property values . Anyway , they told everyone in Tir - nan - Og , including all of the animals and all of the birds , that they would have to choose which world they wanted to live in - the world of immortality and stasis or the world of mortality and seasons , of growth and decay . They forgot to tell the bees who , ever since , have simply ignored the whole thing and done as they pleased , but that 's another story . Everyone made their choice except Cuckoo . She thought and she thought , but she couldn 't decide . The gods probably said , ' Come on ! Hurry up ! ' They probably tapped their toes impatiently . I don 't know for sure , because I wasn 't there , and she who reported what happened didn 't say , but I expect that they did . It would be just like them . And I most definitely wouldn 't like them tapping their toes like that at me . Poor old undecided Cuckoo just couldn 't make up her mind . At last she told the gods that she couldn 't bear to live without the beauty and magic of Tir - nan - Og , but neither could she give up growing and changing , living and bearing and someday , but please not too soon thank you very much , dying . She begged and she pleaded and she argued . She just wouldn 't give up or give in . The gods got fed up with this and put their heads together ( gods can do these things ; the rest of us would probably get our brains all mixed and mushed up ) . After a certain amount of argument and cogitation , they made a decision . They said to Cuckoo , ' Right . You can continue to travel between the worlds . But there are conditions . ' ' You must never build a nest in either world . You must lay your eggs in the nests of other birds to be hatched or not hatched by them , as they will . For this you will be castigated and vilified and blamed . If ever you build a nest in either world , you will be confined to that world evermore . ' Cuckoo thought and she thought . Her wings drooped sadly , and her heart felt as though it would crack forever in two . At last , she asked , ' But does it also mean that my children will have the freedom of both worlds , forever and evermore ? So that is how cuckoo became a career woman with an important job to do . For this she paid the huge price of never knowing her own children , never being able to feed them and cuddle them warm , never feeling the pride of watching their first flight , never … never … never … But in exchange for the things she lost , she gained them free entry to the Land of the Forever Young . This is also why it is important to listen , listen , listen with all your senses , inner and outer , when you hear the song of the cuckoo . There is always a message from the gods in it for you . And as exasperating as they can be at times , it 's just as well to pay attention to the gods when they deign to speak to us . |
ORIGINAL LANGUAGE The Following is an excerpt from Vražji prolaz / Devil 's Passage ( Studio TiM , 2014 , Croatia ) . In Devil 's Passage , Franka , after her divorce , starts her new life with next to nothing . When she pulls some strings to get a job as a night receptionist at a classy hotel , she expects a quiet time . Instead , she is immersed in an urban legend , a horror story that takes her on an intense psycological journey through her own fragmented psyche . Call me Zaza , Cerise , Nina , Canelle , Lola , Clochette , Felice , Ficelle , Anice , Mimosa , Fleur , Lisi . In fact , don 't call me any of that . They 're just names of silly cats from a T - shirt he bought me . That T - shirt was the last thing he got me . He 'd spent an incredible 10 . 90 euros ( with a fifty - percent discount included ) on it because I reminded him of those dumb , small , round , fluffy , adorable kittens . Kitties . Pussycats . Any of those stupid pet names . Call me Franka . Neither Zaza nor Cerise nor Nina , least of all Clochette . What a bunch of shit ! I mean the marriage , not the T - shirt . The T - shirt is actually cute , and I can 't get rid of it . It 's one of the few things I can 't get rid of . It seems to smell of him . Whatever they tell you the worst thing about divorce is , nothing sat that awfully with me until his leaving . And that 's not when he left home , saying we would divorce . No , no , that was still a soft landing . I mean his leaving after the divorce when he came home to get his things . My home , his things . Because the apartment is mine , even if I am going to sell it . I 'm simply disgusted with that apartment : I 'm disgusted with the doorknobs , the dishwasher , the wardrobes , and the bed in which I 've not slept in a while . I 'm disgusted with all of it . Which is why I 'm selling the place . Besides , I need the money . Work isn 't going well , and my income is too small . In this global crisis , who needs translations from French or Italian ? How many translations a month does it take to pay for the food , the bills , the pantyhose , the cosmetics ? Many , very many . And no one is commissioning any because we 're in a recession . So , I 'm selling the apartment I inherited from my parents so I 'd have a little something for a new beginning . I can even joke about it now : What a stupid expression , new beginning ! Okay , I can talk about it now . I don 't feel nauseous . I 'm not wailing or crying . I 've no need for another man . I 've no need for sex at all . The marriage killed the need anyhow , and now it 's completely gone . I 've barely even reacquired the need for food . I don 't need to love anyone . Even less do I want someone to love me . I know it 's a defense mechanism ; there 's always a chance of someone letting me down again . That 's the stuff of teenage soaps , but not far from the truth . I know it wasn 't about another woman . No other woman was involved , even I know that . Women , whatever they 're like , know when their man is with another . We know it one and all - the dumb , the smart , the beautiful , the educated , country girls , city girls , all of us . We can feel it . We know . I know about several vapid mommies who were making eyes at him . I know about the bimbos he 'd occasionally worked with , too . But he 'd fallen for a trap of a different kind - that of apathy and his own business . ( Literally his own , because the firm was his . ) I even think it would be comforting if he 'd left for another woman . I 'd hate him , and I 'd hate her even more . This way I hate only him . I hate work . I hate earning . I hate - well , I don 't hate anything , really . It 's more that I have these moments . I 'm confused , but not so much anymore that I can 't talk about it . I feel abandoned . That 's the easiest way to put it . " Can 't you see I 'm burning out ? " was his catchphrase . And as he burned out , there was less and less of him at home . Even when he was at home , he wasn 't there . Always in e - mails , always in texts , always in talks , always in negotiations , always stressed . He took Xanax . Lots of Xanax . He was having a hard time , but he couldn 't see me . He didn 't care . He had numbness in his arm if he didn 't take Xanax . I know Xanax fries the brain , but I thought even that was better than his being stressed . Stupid . As it turned out , Xanax couldn 't solve his problem , which was that he was always burning out . I got used to it in time and thought I didn 't care either . I did my job . We pretended at having spare time . We even loved each other sometimes . Made love . Sometimes . Still , the work was always there . He was burdened . He was threatened . Everyone had abandoned him . We didn 't have children . Incredible but true - he was the one who couldn 't have children . I don 't know if it troubled him , but he didn 't do anything to address the issue . He saw no connection between Xanax , burning out , and not having children . Or he pretended not to see it . It was as if he 'd given up on everything . I know I 'm being tedious about how he left me . Full of bitterness , an abandoned woman . There 's nothing I find worse than identifying with something so sad , pitiful , and disgusting as the notion of abandoned woman . They even have support groups for harpies who console each other in these situations . I don 't feel like being around their type . There 's nothing I want to share with them . No moments , either good or bad . I don 't want to talk to anyone about my marriage . My ex - husband isn 't even the subject of this story . He 's merely the beginning . He said he was leaving and wouldn 't be coming back . He went to his mom 's . As always , his mom waited for him with a made bed . She 'd kept his bed made for years , waiting for him to return , because the stars had said so . After all these years of marriage , she had her moment at last . She believed in horoscopes , and in the end it happened . He went back to her . We didn 't even bother rescuing our marriage . We knew it wasn 't working . I gave up . We didn 't see each other for a month , then we had this casual meeting in a patio café downtown and had coffee together while I had cake . I didn 't feel at all , like , anxious , butterflies - in - the - stomach , sweet , in love , whatever you want to call it . I merely waited for it to be over . I 'd had enough . I didn 't even like him . I 'd never found him that ugly , but I had the thought then he was very ugly . I could smell his bad breath . He said we 'd see . In the end we saw nothing . After six months , he came with a proposal that we divorce formally . Two months later , he came to get his things . His shirts , trousers , ties , jackets , underwear , silver coins ( okay , so he was fair and didn 't take those few silvers dollars and some Austrian and Yugoslav coins that belonged to me ; those were left to me by my grandma who said I never knew when I might need them ) , his stupid little knickknacks I couldn 't stand to look at anymore . That broke me . That 's why I can 't talk about that moment even now . It was the worst moment , as I 've already said . Everything else , I can talk about for hours . I can expound on it , blog about it , put it on Facebook , cackle and giggle at his silly habits , make fun of the little things that used to be my life . About the moment he left , I can 't . Absolutely can 't . Interesting , while we 're there : He didn 't take his books . Not one of them . He never even mentioned them afterwards . In fact , I 'm not sure I 've even seen him more than twice after he left , although Rijeka isn 't that big a city . Still , it 's large enough that I never see him . Not ever . Which is why I took his silence on the matter of the books as a sign . Although I don 't throw away books , I dumped his stupid books in a recycling bin . It took me months to gather the strength . It took me months to get over that moment . The day I chucked his books , I watched a movie I didn 't understand on some godforsaken TV channel . It made me cry buckets . Later , whenever the theme song came on , it reminded me of how fragile everything was . " Mad World . " Mad world , indeed . Marriage , health , life , work , even those things that used to seem permanent , like this apartment I inherited - not even it is forever . After all these years , I 'm selling the apartment . I 'm starting anew . That 's what I 've decided . No moaning , no crying . No unnecessary drama . God , now I even remind myself of the way he philosophized . He always made speeches , always sought refuge in theory . Well , never mind that . Enough . I 've been through the stage of grief , the stage of self - pity , the stage of personality breakdown , the stage of being agitated , the stage of being depressed , and the stage in which I was incoherent and confused , as my therapist said , who prescribed some meds I took for a short period of time , then didn 't . It 's been almost a year now . I 'm thirty - four . It 's enough . I 'm young . If I were a mom , I 'd be a MILF , as my nephew puts it . The little clod . A mommy in her prime . This way , nothing doing . 5 . All things considered , I had to be happy about being hired . After so many months of agony , disintegration , extremity , dregs , misery , and total solitude , here was my new beginning . Such as it was , but still new . It was no occasion for grand celebrations , but it deserved to be noted over dinner and a glass of wine , and as I had no one else to do that with , I invited Henrik . I organized a small dinner party in my apartment - the one I was selling without any success - just for him and me . I didn 't invite my sister . In fact , I didn 't even tell her about the dramatic new turn of events . I didn 't tell anyone because I didn 't think anyone needed to know the news . I was going to be a receptionist , albeit at night , and not just anywhere , but in one of the fanciest hotels in town . Four stars . Bottom line was , I was happy . Not ecstatic , but happy enough . I felt a kind of prickling excitement in anticipation of a new experience . Work was starting in ten days . Now , when I line up the events of my life , it 's clear to me I was always prone to loneliness . I 'd lost my parents when I was twenty . Dad went first , then Mom . They were gone in a wink of an eye . My sister and I were on different planets , though we 're physically alike . She 's older than me , and her world had been formed by the time our parents died . I was practically still a child . Still , I dealt with the loss on my own . Without anyone close by . Okay , not entirely : There were aunts and cousins and relatives close by , and I could rely on them . After all , my sister was there , too . But I did live on my own . Until , before long , he entered my sparsely populated world . He moved in with me fresh from graduation , first as a colleague from another town ( same university , different study group ) , then a friend , lover , boyfriend , husband . The place he took in the inventory of my life seemed to have always been his . He repaired installations in the apartment and changed fuses . Soon , we changed furniture and redecorated the place , creating a proper little love nest . In the evenings , we watched television and yammered . He tickled my feet . Sometimes we made love ; sometimes , though it wasn 't any kind of peak experience for me . All that , we called our lair . Our hidey - hole . The time to mourn my parents had somehow slipped past . They 'd departed quickly and left me the apartment , and with it came limitless freedom to make decisions . The decision I made was to turn it into a nest . At first I had an indescribably lovely time there , then indescribably rotten . Henrik had told me the management had great expectations for me . I 'd surprised them , though I wasn 't sure with what . The way I looked ? The fact I spoke four languages ? Big deal . He also told me my salary wouldn 't be more than 3 , 800 kunas with all the extras included , which was a pittance . Perhaps I 'd surprised them by not asking any unnecessary questions . I didn 't care at all . I was making a game stew with dumplings . It was still early in the spring , and the rich , heavy dish seemed appropriate . Henrik would love it , I expected . Everyone loved it . In point of fact , not everyone did , but he did , so I imagined Henrik would , too . Around half - past seven , someone - Henrik , I thought - rang the doorbell . I opened the door , and there he was , accompanied by a girl . She was tall , blonde , classy , youthfully dressed , and younger than me by good seven or eight years . Six , as it turned out . " Hey , I 've brought company . Dora is your future coworker . We all wanted to come , but it 's a bit complicated . Dora and I were in the morning shift , and everyone else is working . Anyway , they … . " I wasn 't particularly fond of flowers , but now they made me happier than I could say . On one special occasion , a celebration of some kind , my ex - husband had brought me some very expensive flowers . Our standard of living wasn 't that high , but sometimes he 'd have a bout of gallantry and a bouquet of orchids would show up , like that time . They 'd shocked - angered - moved me so much I didn 't know what came over me . I threw them on the floor and began crying . He couldn 't figure out what was wrong with me , but what was wrong was hysteria . People of old were right to ascribe it to women - the female madness . Once I was able to explain , he hugged me , and we had tea and continued as before . Still , there 's no doubt he thought me unhinged . He never bought me flowers again . He bought me perfumes , necklaces , bracelets . Flowers , no . Though I 'd expected to dine with Henrik alone , I wasn 't hoping for anything romantic . I 'd just imagined he would tell me about his fifteen - odd years since high school - which would make for a brief , amusing tale - then we 'd move on to a meatier subject , and I 'd learn all of the hotel 's little secrets . Who was with whom , who gossiped about whom - dirty tidbits of that kind . It seemed to me those meant a lot if you wanted to know your immediate surroundings . I 'd lived in my cocoon for a long time and had a significant lack of experience with complex human relationships people formed at work . The relationship I 'd had with my clients had been different . More precisely , nonexistent . What we 'd had was a virtual experience . Everything I knew about work relationships , I 'd learned from books and other people 's tales , which meant I knew nothing . But since Dora and Henrik weren 't romantically involved with each other , they were happy to feed my curiosity above all expectations . Together they could talk to infinity and beyond . It turned out Henrik didn 't eat meat . I hastily pulled out some ravioli from the fridge and prepared them for him . Dora ate for two . Though she was hardly a petite girl , I was surprised with the amount of food she could put away . She didn 't restrict herself in regard to the wine , either . Of the five bottles we 'd had by that point ( it was a California red in small bottles , which my husband had brought from a trip , claiming it had changed his perspective on wine - God , what a pompous jerk ! ) , she 'd had at least three . By herself . She was tipsy , but not drunk . Henrik 's eyes were glassy . I hated that wine , but I drank it with glee , precisely to spite my jerk of a husband who might one day ask for it back . The dinner unfolded with pleasant predictability . Henrik gossiped about some hotel character or another - all the different names meant nothing to me - and Dora cackled . She seemed keen on him , though it was apparently something that she has never said . Henrik was getting married to a Renata , and as I didn 't know her , the story meant absolutely nothing to me . Dora , for her part , was involved with a guy who didn 't quite understand her ; that is , they were in an intense relationship , but something was lacking . None of it meant more to me than empty chatter . Unnecessary information . After all , I didn 't even know Dora before that night . And Henrik getting married ? Well , I was already divorced . I had taken the next step . I couldn 't care less if someone was getting married . It certainly wasn 't something I 'd consider any time soon . They didn 't seem particularly interested in my marriage , either . No veiled references . Not a single malicious word . Dora merely noticed the bracelet I was wearing , made from a silver tea - spoon . I wasn 't even sure why I was wearing it . He got it for me abroad . I liked it , though it very much reminded me of him . Perhaps I wanted to prove to myself some trace of our years together still survived . Or maybe there was no need for psychoanalysis . I just liked the thing . " Of course I 'm sure . I 'm sick of it . " I was intoxicated with that California wine , which was really quite good . " I know it 's gorgeous , but it 's from my ex - husband . I don 't need to feel sentimental about that . Here , take it . " Women feel the absurd male - female chemistry so much more acutely than do men . Dora was flaunting her little trophy for the benefit of her star - crossed target who was - there 's no way of putting it kindly - completely indifferent . He was the old Henrik I knew , the man without qualities . Dora , however , was lovely . Very lovely , even when drunk . And yet , she was just a child . I felt like I was looking at myself all those many years ago . Lovely , slightly drunk , slightly foolish with youth . Inexperienced was the word . It was almost incredible how much effort she put into charming Henrik , while he didn 't show any interest in her . That didn 't matter , though . Screw them both . After all , I hadn 't seen him in fifteen years , and I had only met her today . We sat around the table . Henrik looked as if it was time to go home . In fact , it was . I 'd already missed all my TV shows and wouldn 't even be able to read in bed . " Ha , and what is that ? " I held , rather drunkenly now , a pretty crystal glass half - filled with the California wine . " Don 't tell me Henrik is screwing someone ? " That was nasty of me . Terribly , terribly nasty . A display of complete arrogance . Luckily , no one took it that way . Dora cackled . Henrik did , too . We were a drunken party . " Get this , " Dora said . " So far , not a single night receptionist has managed to stay with us for more than two months . Actually , several didn 't even last that long . " " Yes , well , we hired some tricky characters . I mean , three out of five were caught with their hands in the cash register . Nothing mysterious about that , " Henrik said . I opened the sixth and last bottle of the California wine and topped their glasses . Henrik wavered a bit , but accepted the wine . Dora was thoroughly juiced anyhow . I had a feeling she had no upper limit . " Listen , the story goes like this . A woman came to the hotel late one night . This was before the latest revamp , " Dora said . " You weren 't there yet , either , were you , Henrik ? " " The woman took the room that 's now room 616 . I don 't know what the number was back then . I think it was different , only two digits . " Dora continued , " A guy came right after her and asked the receptionist - was it old Sale ? " She turned to Henrik again . " Sale died a few years ago , " Dora said . " I never knew him . In any case , he gave this type another key because the guy asked for his wife 's room number and said he wanted to join her . Nothing odd about that . Seemed legit . Only , the guy checked out in the morning , and the woman never did . The guy gave the morning receptionist some excuse , like , his wife left earlier . He picked up both of their IDs , settled the bill , and that was it . Gone . " Now Henrik picked up . " No one would even remember it if sometime later Sale hadn 't started spreading stories . Of course , the thing with Sale was that he drank . He was caught hammered on the job more than once . At first he didn 't say anything , but after a while he began insisting there was banging coming from the room , sometimes even screams . " " Interesting , " I said . " Couldn 't the woman have left by the back door ? Or by the elevator , or sneaking past the front desk , or whatever ? " " Okay , so when construction workers removed the furniture and began tearing up the room , they found a piece of paper under the carpeting . It said - " Henrik paused here , then made a very spooky face and cried , " Help me ! A maniac is cutting me to pieces ! " Dora and I screamed . The atmosphere . The drinking . Too much drinking . The California wine . The whole thing felt like an absurd undergraduate initiation . Or a bit of everyday undergraduate fun . I knew the story would be sketchy , but the last bit was like a bad theatrical performance . I began clapping my hands . " Bravo ! A great urban legend . Reminds me of the one about the woman in the Učka Tunnel . Or the one about the hitchhiker girl in Portugal . Have I passed my trial ? " Soon , the entertainment ended . I don 't know how the two of them made it home . I asked them if they wanted a cab . She took a cab . Henrik said he would drive . Supposedly he hadn 't had that much to drink . We said goodbye . I thought about the evening for a while . I was happy . Even with that ridiculous ghost story . After so many days , months - hell , after so many years - I felt weariness slip away . I turned on the water and drew myself a bath . |
I 've been pretty quiet lately . I finished up my season with an 8K Turkey Trot , ending my racing 5 out of 6 consecutive weekends or something odd like that ( Black Mountain Madness , Iron Horse Half , off , Detroit Half , Iceman , LSC Half , and then Turkey Trot ) . Ok , that is 6 out of 7 weekends . You can see why I took a break from updates ! I took a break from about everything . I even took some strength training classes at the Y , and got my YMCA Group Fitness Instructor certification . However , I have a huge announcement to make ! See , my name is on there ! Wow ! I still can 't believe it is real . I LOVE what Coeur represents as a brand . They represent the heart and courage that it takes for us as athletes to get out there and do what we do . You can read about them here . I am so amazed and grateful to be a part of this team . Everyone is so amazing . I am so inspired by everyone , and hope that I can do the same for others . You will also notice that Amy is on there . She was on one of my first active . com teams , Team Stayput . She is still recovering , and working hard at her therapy . I know one day she will be back at the level she was , but until then , she will inspire everyone around her to be better . I know she has been an inspiration to me for a long time , and I am honored to be her teammate again . Also , here is the elite team . I am so excited for 2014 ! ! ! ! It 's going to be a great year . The Boston Marathon is 16 weeks from tomorrow ( Monday ) and I got a jump start on my plan due to the holidays . I expect I may need to miss a workout or two with all of our traveling . I 'm doing the Run Less Run Faster Plan again , except I 'm attempting the 3 : 25 plan . So far I completed the first 2 workouts , but I still have the tempo run left to try from the first week . The tempo runs always seem to give me problems . I may end up doing a combo of the 3 : 25 and the 3 : 30 plan , since the chart 's barely have me at completing a 3 : 30 marathon based on my recent half marathon times . Merry Christmas and Happy New Year ! Wow , what a great fall I have had . I am beyond pleased with the way these past 6 weekends have gone . On October 5th , I did the 70 mile Black Mountain Madness Ride to the Summit , followed by a stellar performance at Iron Horse , with my fastest time in over 2 years ( 1 : 40 : 45 ) , Detroit International Half Marathon ( 1 : 42 : 28 - course PR for me ) , a week off , then my first Iceman Cometh finish , followed by the Louisville Sports Commission Half . It ended up being 3 half marathons in 30 days , plus one mountain bike race thrown in there . I love running . I was feeling pretty worked over after Iceman , and took Sunday and Monday off everything . I did a light run on Tuesday , and still felt tired . Wednesday was another day off , and then I had a much better run on Thursday . Since the race was another Sunday race , I figured I could go ahead and have a short 1000y swim on Friday , and Saturday would be a rest day . I went down to packet pick up on Friday after my swim to pick up my bib and shirt . There really wasn 't an expo . I got my number , shirt , and a fall runathon poster . I forgot pins . Sheesh . You 'd think I 'd never done this before . Thankfully , I have a bag of pins at home . The shirt was a really bright blue color . I thought , hmm , maybe I will break my rule of not racing the " race shirt " on race day and use it as an undershirt with my Team Aquaphor tank . It didn 't look right , though , once I got it home and put them together . Then , I had the dilemma of selecting an undershirt . Usually I will wear my short sleeve Aquaphor tee with white removable sleeves , but if I am fully committed to long sleeves , then I wouldn 't need to deal with add on sleeves . I liked wearing a long sleeve tee in Detroit , and thought I could do it again . The Detroit shirt was red this year , and I had a blue one from 2011 , as well as my Boston shirt that was blue . I had lots of choices . I finally decided to wear the blue Detroit shirt , because I thought I might want to wear shorts , and red sleeves would look bad with pink tall socks . You 'd think after all this racing , it wouldn 't be so complicated to figure out what to wear , but the temps were really different for each event . I like to be at races early , and with the race being on a Sunday , I knew that there would be free on street parking available . I ended up parking on 3rd , between Main and Market , which was a great spot . The start line was on Main , at 2nd , and the finish was also on Main , but at 5th . I was glad I was between the start and finish . It was funny , from my car at a meter , I could see a sign on a lot that said $ 10 event parking . Street parking is such a score ! ! ! When I did the race in 2011 , I parked further east of the staring line , and with the finish more to the west , I had a pretty decent walk back to the car ( also , the start and finish with further apart that year ) . I was so glad that I would be parked so close to the start , because I could easily put all of my things into my car fI met up with the Louisville Landsharks on the steps of the YUM Center . Here I am with Rhonda ( and my charity blanket ) Landshark Group Picture : Then , I realized I had to go the bathroom one last time . Goodness ! How on earth do I arrive at a race over an hour early and then get 15 minutes or so away from the start time and NEED to go to the bathroom ! Ugh ! I ran over to the porto potty area and it was a mess . Huge lines everywhere . I could not wait in those lines . I needed another option . I ran off in search of something , but I wasn 't exactly sure what . I ran into one of the mom 's from Soren 's preschool , and explained my predicament . She said that across one of the nearby parking lots , there was a lone construction site port o potty . I didn 't exactly know where it was , but I took off , and amazingly found it ! It was fenced off , but not locked , and I was able to slip between two parts of the fence . Yay ! I ran back up to Main street and approached the start from the course side , which meant I was right in the front of the starting area . I found my friend Lisa 's husband , John because he is super fast . We got a quick picture and I chatted with him for a couple minutes . I also ran into a friend Mike , who I met at the Derby Marathon earlier in the year , and met his girlfriend Carrie . They had both just run a full in Indy , and none of us were sure how today was going to go . This is not a flat course , so I was just hoping to be ahead of 1 : 45 and beat my 2011 time ( 1 : 44 : 55ish ) . The unofficial 1 : 45 pacer was the same guy that did it in 2011 . They had the bugler from Churchill Downs , and he played My Old Kentucky Home . A previous time I had heard this song before a race , I was jumping into the Ohio River , so I got a bit emotional upon hearing it . They played the National Anthem leading up to the start . They played part of Avici 's " Wake Me Up " , which I first heard before Muncie , and we were off shortly after that . Here 's the map and elevation : I started off feeling awesome . We were running straight into the sun ( which is why most of my pictures with my visor are completely obstructing my eyes ) , but had some shade from buildings . I had studied the elevation profile of this race , and I knew that the middle third , miles 4 - 8ish , would have most of the hills . It would be flattish until Mile 4 , and hit Cherokee Park for 2 big hills , and then enter a cemetery for another 2 hills , and then at mile 9 , things would flatten out . Sort of like Detroit ( bridge at 4 , tunnel at 8 , and then a non exciting yet painful 9 - 13 ) . I was going to fast , and I knew it for the first mile . I slowed it down a bit for the second and third , but I still thought I was going too fast . Just as I was starting mile 4 , a guy running near me said we were on pace to go under 1 : 40 . Haha ! He was pacing off of me . I told him that yes , we were , for now . . . I would hit the hills and need to slow down , so please , don 't mind me . Let me blow up in Cherokee and don 't hold me responsible ! I have run those hills before and know they are hard . I definitely slowed down a bit going up the two big hills , but similar to Iron Horse , I felt like I was able to recover well on the downhills . I hit the halfway point with a slower time than Detroit , which was a good thing . I was just over 50 minutes , which was still great . I was wondering how much slower my second half would be . We went into the cemetery . It had some hills there too , but I hadn 't ever been in it before . I came upon Mike , who was struggling with a pulled muscle , but I kept plowing on . It felt tough , but I kept up with my GU every 5 miles and by mile 9 , we were on the flattish parts . It was windy going into the city , and it felt like we should be done sooner , because of the course being two loops in opposite directions . At mile 10 , I was at 1 : 16 : xx , and I still felt pretty good . I though , wow , if I can get the last 5K done in 23 or 24 minutes , I just might be able to go under 1 : 40 ! I can 't remember what point I passed the man who I spoke with before I couldn 't stick around long . I went through the food line and then circled back and found someone with a paper copy of the results . I was 5th , so again , a fabulous time , and no podium . However , I am still thrilled with how I did . I was amazed that I had the strength to pull out such a fantastic run . Here is my hardware from the last 30 days . I can 't decide which is my favorite . I LOVED the Iron Horse because it was just so cool , and it was my second fastest time . Well , I LOVE fleur de lis , and this one is NOW my second fastest time . I don 't know if I can decide ! I have thought for a couple years now that Detroit was ready for a refresh in their design . They did update the ribbon , which was great , but now I have 3 almost identical medals from 2011 - 13 , with the Mustang medal being my favorite of those . I cannot believe how blessed I am that I was able to have such a strong race season . I am very thankful for the Louisville Sports Commission allowing me to share my stories in exchange for running their race . It was a great event , and I 'm happy I could participate in it . I did some amazing things over the last month . I am very sore today , but I feel like I did a good job resting and cross training between my events that allowed me to perform as well as I did . Plus , I might have a new pre - race meal . I think I had Papa John 's pizza before the Iron Horse race , and I did it again before this race . I definitely feel more confident about my running and my desire to have a great marathon in April . Two 1 : 40s show that it is not a fluke . I still have no idea how to get back to a 1 : 38 , but I 'm just glad to be under 1 : 42 , where I seemed to be stuck for a while . I have an 8k turkey trot race to do , but then I am done with racing for a while . I don 't race much while training for a full marathon because I like to go all out for my races , and I just don 't feel like that is helpful for me when marathon training . Iceman Cometh is a huge , if not the biggest , mountain bike race in the US . It takes place in northern Michigan , and goes from Kalkaska to Traverse City . It is 30 miles , and follows a combination of dirt roads , double track , and single track . It 's been on my " must do " list for a while , pretty much ever since I raced my mountain bike in 2007 . With it being 30 miles long , it was something that I would need to work up to doing . Also , since mountain biking is really Ryan 's strength , I wouldn 't do it without him . It 's one thing to drive up to SE MI and do my girls Tree Farm Relay that is 10 miles of trails with a bunch of hanging out , but Iceman is three times as long , and it isn 't really very easy for us to get to now that we are in KY . It sells out crazy fast , so you have to be decided before registration opens , or else spend a fortune on a bib transfer as the race draws nearer . Ryan had never seemed really interested in doing the race . In 2010 , when I sprained my ankle and had to stop training for the Detroit Marathon , we opted to Crystal Mountain and Ryan raced in the Peak to Peak race . It is sort of a warm up race for the Iceman . It was a different style of racing than what Ryan loves . He really enjoys very tight technical turns , and this race was steep and fast . There were guys that did this ride with fully rigid frames that were lighter and faster than his full suspension bike . I thought he did great , but he did not . It took some of the allure of Iceman away for him . I had always just been threatened by the distance . However , Kent , Ryan 's road cycling partner in crime , won a mountain bike in a contest a year or so ago , and despite struggling with it ( see video here ) , really wanted to do it . We have lots of friends that do this race every year and do really well . I knew Ryan would want to do it if Kent was doing it , and that was my ticket to get to do it . You can actually read my post about the whole decision and registration process here . So , here we are . The race has been on the calendar since March . I crashed spectacularly on the road in May . I recovered and did several races over the summer , including the Tree Farm Relay mountain bike race after the crash . I raced back to back half marathons in Oct . I 'm training for a third half marathon ( this weekend ) , and trying to fit my mountain bike training in . We did the Black Mountain Madness ride , and I have been riding my mountain bike on the hills of the IMKY course . With fall upon us , it is too dark for me to ride after Ryan gets home from work , and it is too far for me to drive to trails while Soren is at school . Also , I don 't have anyone who can go with me , and I just don 't feel comfortable on the trails by myself here yet . I 'm fine going to Maybury or Tree Farm on my own , but that is because I know I can 't get lost and there aren 't any sketchy parts . The trails here make me nervous because they aren 't well marked and there are steep drop offs . Also , most people said that the trail portion isn 't terribly technical , and road fitness would be helpful . I missed a bit of riding on account of the late addition of the Detroit Half , but I prepared as best as I could . Besides , I am NEVER prepared properly for cycling events . I plan to be on the " underprepared " side . I just like running too much to devote the time to cycling that I should . I had two of my team TUTU ladies bail on this ride for being underprepared . They did it last year , and had a rough time of it . I knew it was going to be hard , but I knew I had the fitness ad the willpower to do it . Since the race is so far away from KY , it meant we had to miss Halloween . This was a bit of a bummer . I love Halloween , but we did take the kids to two trick or treating events earlier . Also , my parents would be staying with them and getting to enjoy the fun . The weather was horrible in KY for Halloween , so they actually moved trick or treating to Friday , which in a way , made me feel less bad about leaving on the 31st . Part of me felt like we should have gotten up at the crack of dawn on Friday morning and made the drive all the way up , but since we didn 't miss anything by leaving Thursday , it was fine the way we did it . We drove up through Canton , MI , and stayed with Ryan 's parents . We only stayed the night , and then got up in the morning , made a quick stop into Town and Country in Northville for some last minute items , and then were on our way up north ! The weather was less than promising . It had been raining or misting almost all day , and the weather wasn 't looking great for the race either . Cold and raining . Ugh . Not really what I wanted for my first Iceman . On our way to the expo , in Traverse City , we drove through Kalkaska , and there was this banner hanging over the road . I got super excited as we drove under it . Ryan was excited too because he was glad I took the picture . Usually I take too many pictures , but it was OK to stick my arms out the sunroof trying to capture this . We arrived at the expo shortly after . Kent arrived just a few minutes before we did , and we met up inside . It was a huge expo . We got our number plates and then bought jerseys . We talked with a lot of friends that were there . Since it was our first time doing this event , we were in the " unseeded " category of waves . That meant that it was pretty well sure that we wouldn 't be winning any awards this year , no matter how prepared or unprepared we felt . Since there were 5300 riders , there would be a lot of waves . We knew a couple people starting in Wave 1 and earlier waves . We had to wait a while to start , which meant that we would be just Here is our fun picture . I actually joked with the guys that I wanted the tutu for the ride tomorrow , since it would act as a mud flap . I had sort of wished I had brought one of my own , but none of my other tutu girls were racing . We checked into our hotel next . It would be a cool place to stay in the summer . It had its own beach on Traverse Bay . We would stay here again for sure . We had a little trouble figuring out our prerace dinner . We found what we thought would be a cool Italian place , but once we got there , it was a bit pricey , and not exactly what Ryan and I were looking for . Kent was starving , but we got back in the car and drove a few minutes away to Olive Garden . I feel bad eating there without the kids because it is their favorite , and Ryan and I could take or leave it . We found a table in the bar area so that we could be seated immediately , and had a good meal that served its purpose . Probably the best thing is that the weather was looking marginally better for the morning . The chance of rain was dropping . We turned in pretty early , but since we didn 't start super early , we didn 't need to get up too crazy early . The next morning , we woke up at 6 : 30 , and got breakfast at the hotel . Everyone was asking us if we were starting really early since we were there . Um , no , Kent and I were just in charge of when we were leaving , and neither of us can be too early to a race . Here is Kent in his throwaway coat purchased at Goodwill for $ 10 . With the race being a point to point , the logistics weren 't as simple . We needed to load all three bikes into / onto our car and follow Kent over to the parking area for the finish , at Rasho farm . Here is what the back of our truck looked like before Kent 's 29in front wheel was put in the back . Two bikes were on the roof . Mine got to ride inside because it was the smallest and fit the easiest . We each had a bike bag and hydration pack , plus the two dry clothes bags to be checked ; one for Kent and one that Ryan and I shared . Additionally , we had a pump and a park tool set . Then , Kent got into our truck and we headed over to the start area . Thankfully , it wasn 't raining . We had dry clothes bags for the finish area that we dropped off at the start , and then got ready to ride . We took a few pictures while we were all at the truck , but it was a short ride from there to get to the start . Ryan before his start : Ryan headed off first . Kent and I finished up a few minutes later . I wished we had been ready to go just a few minutes earlier , because right as we rolled over there , Ryan 's wave went off . We had just missed him . Kent got lined up and was gone next . Kent giving me the thumbs up ! While I was waiting on my own , I met up with Michelle , who was there to support her husband . He started close to Ryan , so she had time to wait with me before I started . I also met up with Kari , who is the wife of one my Aquaphor teammates . We had met earlier at the Triceratops Tri and she zipped me into my wetsuit that day . I literally ran into her . Like , when I was walking to find Michelle , our bikes clipped each other in the tent . That 's how I found her ! I also found Janelle , who was on Ryan 's tree farm team . I gave her a big hug and wished her luck . She started in the wave ahead of me . Then , it was my turn . I got to the front of my wave , just because it sounded like the really fast people should have already started , unless it was their first time . It was Kari 's first iceman too . I really didn 't need to be up front though . The first section of the race was on road / dirt road and very wide , so there was plenty of room to pass . I wish I could really remember exactly how the course went , in terms of where the climbs were , where it was two track , and where it was single track , but I remembered that I am glad that I know how to mountain bike . I also felt like the training I did with the mountain bike on the road bike was paying off for the climbs . There were lots of short sandy steep climbs . There were a few people that would fly by me on the flats on their 29ers that were not able to climb up the steep stuff . I actually went back and forth with Kari a couple times because of this and other backups that we would encounter . I took the single track sections a bit conservatively on the downhills , just because I didn 't want to crash . I didn 't have a chance to preride any of the sections to know what to expect . Also , no one starting in my wave or behind me was going to be winning any awards this year , so everyone should just chill . For the most part , everyone was . There were a few guys bombing through bushes here and there to cut corners to pass , but for the majority of the race , there weren 't really any problems . I did get stuck at one point when a lady in front of me tipped over , and I stopped . Then , there was such a huge backup behind me that I couldn 't jump back in . I was running alongside the trail trying to find a break in the " train " . I made a horrible failed attempt at a flying mount , and ended up back in the bushes , but no crashes . I also had a really loud guy behind me for a while . As much as I wanted to be faster than him , I was really happy when he finally did pass me because I just could not tolerate his commentary on EVERYTHING . He was just so loud ! He wasn 't offensive , just annoying . There She did great , and got 4th in her ( our ) AG ! Eric was 3rd in his too ! One of her friends gave me a sweatshirt to wear while I tried to track down Ryan . I texted him , and he was with Kent taking their bikes to the van . He had taken his things out of the gear bag and put the bag back into the gear check under my number , so I could grab it myself . Mindy was about to receive her award , so we headed over towards that area . After she received her award , I grabbed my gear and headed to the showers . The men had shower trucks , but the women were able to use the shower building . It was warm inside and the wait was short . The water was surprisingly warm and I felt a million times better after having a shower and putting on dry clothes . Taking a tip from Mindy , I did not get my hair wet since neither of us thought to bring our hair dryer ( Mindy said she saw a lady that did , and it was a genius idea ) . By the time I was done , Ryan and Kent were back , and had met up with Mindy , Eric , Adam , and a few others . I didn 't see Kari after the race , or Janelle . Mindy told me Janelle wasn 't feeling well after her race , and I think was in medical . She had flipped over on a crash , and had an upset stomach . She still finished very well for her first Iceman . Ryan and I , Kent , Ryan , and I We hung out for a little bit . They had a lot of food available for purchase there , but since we love the town of Traverse City , we had planned to go out for a nice dinner there after we got all the bikes and vehicles back to the hotel . I grabbed my bike from the bike check and we took a bus back to the van at Rasho Farm , and then drove back to Kalkaska to pick up the truck , and then back to Traverse City . I was exhausted and starving afterwards . It really took a lot out of me . It was so fun though ! We had dinner in downtown Traverse City at North Peak , a microbrewery . We had to wait a bit for a table , and it took everything I had in me to NOT lay down on this coffee table / bench they had in their waiting area . I was feeling really rough . Right as I was about to go to the bar to order a Coke or something with sugar in it , we were finally seated . After a Cherry Coke and dinner , I felt human again . The online results had just come and , and I didn 't do stellar in my age group . I didn 't think I would , plus I have a super tough AG . Ryan and Kent recognized many friends from the Wolverine Sports Club and Racing Greyhounds that they rode with on road rides in top slots . We need to get a few more Iceman races under our belts and get better starting positions ( and 29ers ) before we will anywhere near contention for awards . However , finishing in itself is an achievement . I would love to do this race again . Hopefully we can continue to get registered as well as line up childcare for this race . I would love to come back with the kids and have them do the Snow Cone race . Soren would eat it up ! Plus , I know I will be able to finish before it starts now , since it is at 3pm . They had some great race photos posted . Once I decide which ones I want and get them ordered , I will post an action shot . Also , Eric actually filmed his entire race . So , if you want to spend 2 hours watching what the first wave looks like , you can find it here . Now I am home and recovering , and looking forward to the LSC Half on Sunday . Whew , what a season . My legs don 't feel terrible , but I can tell I haven 't spend enough time on trails . My upper body seemed thrashed . I ran yesterday , and while I was slow , I don 't really have any lingering problems aside from just fatigue . Hopefully I can rest up and have a great half marathon this weekend . Posted by Sorry this is late . This past week was Oldham County 's fall break . We never had fall break in Michigan , so it is a cool concept to me . We didn 't bring the computer with us . While we weren 't entirely unplugged for the week , I just didn 't get a blog post done . We were plenty busy . The Detroit International Half Marathon was a late addition to my schedule , because I won it the entry in a drawing . It worked out nicely because it was during fall break , and we didn 't really have any plans set in stone . If anything , it helped us figure out our fall break . I love this race , and have done the half 5 times now , and the full once . I 'm really glad I was able to have this opportunity to do it . Since it was a late addition , it didn 't really fit well into my schedule . Aside from being an open weekend , that was about the best that it fit . I had the Iron Horse Half Marathon the previous weekend . I have done back to back halves once before , and I love the half marathon , so I figured it wasn 't a terrible idea . With the Indianapolis Monumental Marathon ( and Half ) coming up this weekend , and then the LSC Half Marathon coming up next weekend , there is a good opportunity to try it . I did this combo in 2011 . There are a few ways to look at the combo , and I thought about it a little ( not a ton ) in advance of the Iron Horse . First , I could use Iron Horse as a training run , and race Detroit full out , Second , I could race Iron Horse , and do Detroit as a recovery race , taking it easy , third , I could take them both easy ( this would be useful if I was training for a full marathon down the line and just needed lots of mileage ) , or 4th , race them both and see what happens . Well , going into Iron Horse , the plan was to race it . I had it on my schedule since June , and had been training specifically for it . Racing it hard would still allow me to do the rest of my races ( Iceman , LSC ) with no problems . It just might make Detroit a little tougher . Its a unique course with large crowds , so PRs aren 't super easy to come by there . Plus , with the border crossings there is always the remote chance that you will get stopped . So , the plan would be to take Detroit easy , and just have fun and enjoy the sights . The sunrise over the bridge is pretty cool , and the skyline in Detroit from Canada is great too . Plus , they break up the courseWe went to the expo early on Saturday morning . It was busy , as expected for a huge race . I got a mediocre picture from the person behind me . Keira was hanging out with her cousin for the morning , so Ryan was with me and Soren . We were running out of time at the expo before we needed to pick up Keira , and Soren NEEDED a Talmer Bank shopping bag . My kids love expo swag . We thought he could spin a wheel over there , so I told them to check it out while I got my picture taken . It was a bad call . The picture wasn 't the best , and there was no wheel to spin . However , Soren did get his tote bag and I did get two white cowbells . Also , I wasn 't able to find everyone I wanted at the expo , but we did find Janelle from Ryan 's tree farm team at the Level Multisport booth , Randy from Running Fit , and Dave from New Balance . Dave entered me into the contest , and is a very experienced runner and coach . I told him how well the Iron Horse went , and then he thought I should be able to beat my Iron Horse time . What ? NO NO NO ! I was super tired still . Yikes . However , I have known Dave for a long time and really trusted what he said . If he thought I could do , well , maybe I could ? I did some math on the way home and realized that a 7 : 38 pace would get me under 1 : 40 , which is what Dave thought . Eek . But , it was only a couple seconds per mile faster than what I did at Iron Horse . Not a ton . I got nervous for the first time for this race . The race bibs were MASSIVE for this race . They were made to look like a license plate , and about the same size ! I am small , so figuring a way to pin it was tricky . I had taped my passport inside a ziplock to the back of it . I did it last year , and it worked just fine . I trusted that better than trying to put it in a pouch . I like my spibelt , and didn 't want to try a new belt for the race . I struggle with chaffing around my midsection from belts , and I know where I need my Aquaphor for what I currently use . I didn 't want to experiment with this . I was happy to be in corral B . That meant that I would at least have the 1 : 40 pacer available to me if I felt like it . This was Detroit , and to quote Eminem , " Life 's too short to not go for broke " . I was going to go for it . I went to bed early , and then got up crazy early on Sunday . I texted our friend Austin from the parking garage ( I actually got into my first choice garage this year for the first time ever ! ! ! ) . Turns out , he was still at home ! Lol ! I like being to races early . I crashed my friend Randy 's party at Cobo Joe 's for his running class . Running Fit offers a couple classes , and they typically have someplace reserved for the class participants and their families to hang out that is indoors , warm , close to the start , and with flush toilets . I have been fortunate to take advantage this the past 3 Detroit races . Its been a lifesaver . I even took advantage of the " gear check " there , despite the fact that my truck was next door . I hung out there and had my picture taken , plus took advantage of the restrooms . Before leaving Cobo Joe 's , I wrapped up in an old mylar race blanket for the walk to the start . I planned to throw it away before the race started so that no one behind me would get caught in it . It was 39 degrees at the start , and would stay cold for the less than 2 hours that I would be running . I opted for tights , my Detroit race shirt from LAST year ( never wear the race shirt from the current race in the race ) , and my Aquaphor singlet on top . The nice thing about being in Corral B is that I have pretty clear view of the start line from the front of it . I got this picture , which is also not so stellar , at the start , before moving back to a better position . I did meet a Swirlgear teammate , Angela , so that was fun . She went on to have a killer marathon time , and was ahead of me the entire race . I couldn 't find Austin in my corral before starting . Since I am short , I 'm not the easiest to find or the best at finding people in crowds . I heard them play Eminem 's Lose Yourself , and the Kiss 's Detroit Rock City and we were off , crossing the start line . I felt great ! It was still very dark , with the race starting at 7am and sunrise not being until 7 : 48am . They had helicopters with searchlights shining on us ( probably for border security ) and it was hard to read my Garmin . I clicked off a couple miles in the 7 : 30s , and then started to head up the incline to the Ambassador Bridge . One of the highlights of this race is that the sun starts to rise over the Detroit River while most people are on the bridge . I arrived a bit early for it , but the sky still looked pretty . My college friend Fred Felter took several awesome pictures during the race . He gave me the OK to use his photos . I had considered running with my camera until I spoke to Dave at the expo , so I am especially thankful that he took these and allowed me to use them . I got a chill looking at the bridge picture . Its crazy to come around the turn and get ready to run up it ! ! ! The tunnel is hard , but not terrible . The worse thing about it is that you go from the cold to warm , and then you have a long uphill out . People have asked if I felt claustrophobic in it before . Um , no , not until you mention it ! I guess I have run this race so many times before I had the idea to be freaked out about running UNDERWATER for a MILE that it is no big deal . Its cool ! You do have to take the autopause feature off your Garmin , otherwise you lose a mile of data . You don 't get pace in the tunnel , but since it is pretty much a straight line , you come out and it picks up the difference where you lost signal . Going into the tunnel ( from Fred still ) Coming back into the USA ! This is such a great feeling . I saw some guys wearing IMKY finisher gear on the side , cheering , and they saw me notice ( I had my IM visor on ) , and got some cheers . Then , you are out of the tunnel and run around a bit . This is where I really started to feel slow and heavy . I lost the 3 : 20 / 1 : 40 pace group here . I just looked forward to seeing friends , Amy and Anna , at the finish . I knew I had them waiting for me , because they are volunteering . Anna has volunteered with her mom for years . This year she was bringing Amy with her to volunteer . Last year , when I ran this race , I ran it with Amy in my heart because we still didn 't know much about her condition . Now , a year later she was going to give me my medal . Its crazy what can happen in a year . I also know that every start is a blessing . Its such a gift to be out there racing and doing what I love . Mile 11 had some Rage Against the Machine playing at the DMC medical station with water bottles . I drank a water and it helped a little . But by 12 , it was starting to get really hard . I was just wanting to be done . Then I heard someone call me . I looked back and I saw an Aquaphor teammate behind me . Then , I looked next to me , and saw someone who shouldn 't have been there . Needless to say , it kind of shocked me , and we chatted a bit about how I was almost done and why talking to Dave is dangerous before a race . He 'll have you trying very hard . I said my goodbyes with a fist bump to this runner at the marathon / half split . I was able to bring my pace back down to where it should be for the last mile , but I had done enough damage during miles 10 - 12 that I finished with a course record for me , 1 : 42 : 28 , by 7 seconds from 2011 . It seems like I end up in the 1 : 42s quite often . Upon crossing the finish line , I immediately stopped and gave Anna 's mom a huge hug . I saw her first . She directed me to Anna , who got another hug , and I asked for Amy , who got a third hug . Anna and Amy together gave me my medal , and I got a quick picture with them before walking into the actual finisher 's chute . Last year I kept getting asked to move down as I looked for friends finishing up . This year I tried to avoid that . It was colder and I needed my foil blanket too . I lost the teammate in the finish area . I looked and looked , and he probably passed me during my stop right at the line . I did find Austin ! Yay ! He finished about 4 minutes ahead of me , and said he passed me in the tunnel , which looking at our splits , was right . He was able to hold his pace better and even pick up speed at the end , where I faded the last 3 - 4 miles . Very typical me , but I was still very pleased with the way I did based on the fact that I didn 't train specifically for this race , and I had raced my heart out the week prior . I did try to find my teammate one more time , and instead found teammate Kevin ! I initially thought that lost teammate was Tim , but looking at results , that doesn 't seem possible . I have no idea who I was looking for now ! I 'm really glad I went for it on this race . Last year , I was more conservative to start , and finished worse here , and I really thought that I might be able to have a better race on a flatter course . Since it was a late addition with little expectations , it was fun to just go out there and have a great time . I felt strong in the early miles , and I always feel good knowing I left it all out there and did the best I could . The medals were pretty much the same as they have been for the past three years . In fact , the fact that they had a Camaro on them was initially a deterrent for me to sign up , yet as the race grew closer , I wanted to do it more and more , but the price had gotten insane , and I already had Iron Horse . When this contest came around , I just knew I had to enter it , and that I would win an entry . I 'm so thankful for this opportunity to run my heart out in Detroit . Since I waited so long to do this post , the professional race pictures are available . I don 't typically copy the professional photos from their site to use here , but this one was just too funny to not share . Since it is funny , I 'm not going to be buying it though . The poor dude has the worst expression . Then there 's me . Super happy and smiling , as usual , when I see the finish line . Now , to give this man the benefit of the doubt , I did have one pic where I was in a blink and looked funny too , but the contrast in expressions is what made it so funny . When I was first looking at the photos , I wondered why this one was in " my " photos , but then realized that it was hysterical . The folks at finisherpix must have a sense of humor . They did do a really nice job with the pictures , though . I 'm not going to steal the good ones . If I buy them , I will post them . Also , I want to offer you a peek a the medal for the LSC Half Marathon ! It is AWESOME ! I just love Fleur de lis , and I even hand cut my own vinyl stickers to decorate my aero box on my Trek Speed Concept for IM with them . This medal is made for me . I just can 't wait to earn it , and I hope to see you there ! Hopefully I live through Iceman first . Eek ! This race was a big deal to me . I have been training specifically with this race in mind , and despite doing the Black Mountain Madness ride last weekend , I had been really focused on having this be a great half marathon . Thinking about it , it was my first half marathon of the year , which is unusual for me . The past several years , I have run a half marathon in the spring in addition to the fall . I did one 70 . 3 this year , but that doesn 't really count because aside from my fueling strategy , the pacing is completely different , and my run mileage is typically lower because my bike mileage is higher . Also , this was my opportunity to return to the same county ( although not same road ) , where my crash had occurred earlier in the year at the Horsey Hundred . At the Derby Marathon , I received an advertisement for this race in my goody bag , and when I rode through the town of Midway in the first part of the Horsey Hundred , I recognized the town name and put the two together . It was beautiful out there , and I told my friends that there was a half marathon in this location , and that I wanted to do it . This was before my crash . After my crash , I knew I had to do this race . I asked around a bit , and from everything I had heard , it sounded like a great race . It is small ( 1500 runners ) , due to the fact the area cannot handle a lot of runners , and I was able to get signed up when it was about halfway full . It sold out fairly quickly after I registered , but a friend from MI , who was my partner coaching a Girls on the Run team in Novi , was able to get signed up as well . Race day was approaching , and I made sure to get rested up from my ride . I did a couple short light runs , and no more cycling . I had one swim , and that was it . The weather was looking great too . I opted to wear my yellow Swirlgear top instead of my Aquaphor tee . One of the perks of this race was unlimited downloads of race pictures , so I thought it would be nice to have some in my new tee . It was also warm enough for short sleeves and shorts . The race pics are not up The course was two out and backs , running through Midway in the middle and the finish . It would be rolling , and with the two out and backs , you would sort of get to preview the hills for the way back . I usually start out a little too quick , and slow down a tad , so I figured I would go with the same strategy , but just start a little slower than a PR pace , but not too fast . Looking back at previous race times , I can usually hit 1 : 42 fairly consistently . I thought this might be a little slower , because of the hills , but then I had trained really well , so I just thought I would try to stay between 7 : 30 and 8s . That should get me in below 1 : 45 I figured , and we would just see how fast I could do . I felt great , and just tried to keep an even pace . It was just really beautiful running through this area . I recognized it from the Horsey Hundred . Running by the horse farms was fabulous . They loved us . There were points when the horses ran along with us , inside their fences . At the first turn around , I could see that I was around 20 ladies back . I got passed by one lady heading back towards midway , but I felt like my pace was holding ok . It was nice to be able to see my friends out on the course too . I hit the halfway point in around 50 minutes , just a little over . I really felt like I could hold onto the pace too , depending on what the second half of the race would have in store . I wasn 't on PR pace , but since I haven 't had a PR at this distance in over 2 years , I was still on pace to have a really great time . I also felt like the downhill portions let me speed up while recovering my legs . I felt like I could push on the uphills because of the downhills . On the second half , I felt like there was this huge downhill on the way out of town . I was worried a bit about having to run back up into the city , and felt like I needed to save a little . However , it was great running through the city . There was tons of crowd support . I saw an ambulance ahead . It was the one I rode in , driven by the paramedic that tended to me on the sideI must say I was a bit bummed to see that I was only 6th in my age group with such a stellar time . What ? My age group is so dang hard ! What the heck ! I was the 19th female , which meant my counting was about right . This is a prime example how having a goal based on other people 's performance is not always the best . I was still thrilled with my performance . Ron finished a few minutes after I did , and we went back to Darlin Jean 's and the car for the camera . We got a few pictures , and I stocked up on Honey Stinger Waffles and a custom 13 . 1 sticker . I didn 't win a cool mug , so I bought a cup . I should have bought one beforehand , because they were sold out of the ones that looked like the awards , but I got a slightly different style . I had to head back home pretty quickly since it was Sunday , and Ryan had a meeting before church at 11 : 30 . I was pretty confident that I could be home in time for this . It was also the Primary Sacrament Program Sunday , which meant that my children had speaking parts in the service . It 's pretty much the best Sunday all year to hear the children , because they have generally written the parts themselves . I arrived home just in time for Ryan to head out , and the kids were super happy to see me . I had told Soren that I would bring him a poster , ( we had gone to the train festival in La Grange on Saturday , and come home empty handed ) , so that was the first thing he asked to see . The medal for this race was awesome . It is HUGE , and I love the logo . They have the logo for next year already posted on their facebook page . I must say , I am partial to this year 's logo . There were so many positives to this race . It was just beautiful . The course was fantastic . Seeing the horses and the pretty fall colors in the countryside was breathtaking . It was a nice size . I don 't always need to do the huge races , and this was a nice middle ground . The swag was great . The shirts were gender specific , with the race logo on the front and no other logos . I know I will wear this one . It was quiet out there . I like quiet . It really helped me focus on my running and having a good race . The medal was great , and they had ice cream at the finish ! There were only a couple things that I thought were missing . The first was that I couldn 't find any bagels or cookies at the finish . They did have the Honey Stinger waffles , though , and those are amazing . Also , I always carry my ownLooking ahead , I won a free entry into the Detroit Marathon that is next weekend already , and chose to do the International Half Marathon . I 'm all signed up , and I just raced a great half marathon . This week I did one hard cycling workout , because Iceman is my next really important race . Detroit will be for fun , but I still want to do well . I 'll take Wednesday off , and then on Thursday , do a short run , and that will be it I think until Sunday so that I can rest up . Hopefully that is enough rest . Detroit is very high energy , and so I think even if I am going slow , I will still have a great time . I love that race , it feels like coming home . I 'll have lots of support from friends out there . My friend Anna and her mom always volunteer at the finish , and they are bringing Amy too ! Yay ! I am also officially registered for the LSC Half Marathon too . Its going to be a busy fall for sure , but it should be a blast . The LSC half is a week after Iceman , so I will likely do a similar plan for the week between them as I am this week , except I won 't mountain bike , but maybe the time trial bike outside or a spin on the trainer . |
Ok , guys . I 've not posted lately because I 've been trying to decide whether or not I wanted to blog about my most recent major incident with Brody . I struggled with the decision to post or not to post , because of the pure humiliation and embarrassment of what happened over two weeks ago . Plus , I needed a little time to try to begin to forgive myself . As parents , we are all bound to make mistakes . We are only human and aren 't perfect , no matter how hard we try . So before you read this , I want to express how embarrassed I am to share my story . However , I chose to write about this incident because I have some dedicated readers out there ( and on my best day , I had nearly 260 views on my blog from all over the world ) and I do feel an obligation - - - a good obligation - - - to write about my trials and triumphs as I explore my new life as mommy . I started this blog so people can read , laugh and share our journeys as parents . But I also decided to start this blog , because I wanted people to really learn from my mistakes . So , here it goes . . . About two weeks ago , Klay and I met my mom at Walmart to buy flowers for our garden . We are no experts on plants , so we inquired mom 's help . We were about to check out when Brody got fussy ; it was time for him to eat . Klay told me to just head out to the truck and feed him because we had to get home ASAP to drop of the plants before heading out to Dallas for my doctor appointment . I complied and took Brody out to the truck . I unlocked the door , put his car seat in the truck ( but not in the base ) facing toward the driver 's side passenger door because I was going to walk to the other side to feed him . I 'd forgotten that Klay 's new truck has an autostart . So proud of myself that I remembered , I started it up to get the truck to cool down a bit faster . I grabbed my bags and sat them in the truck and shut the door . Uh - oh , I thought and started yanking on the handle to the LOCKED door . Ok , so I 've NEVER once locked my keys in my car , and the first time I do it , my three - month - old is in the backseat . I immPosted by Yesterday , was a rough one for Brody and mommy . Brody woke up earlier than normal , around 5 : 45 a . m . His nose was pretty stopped up and he kept snorting a lot . He apparently had a hard time breathing through his nose , so I think that 's why he woke up so early . His stuffy nose is still causing him to have a blocked tear duct , so we are still having issues with his eye . It 's continuously producing a lot of white to yellowish goop and hasn 't stopped since his two - month doctor visit . I 've tried everything ( vaporizers , baby aspirators , saline drops , vapor bath bubble stuff , antibiotic eye drops , propping him up when he sleeps ) , but nothing has worked . I can 't get his tear duct clear this time . ( The photo to the left was from a few weeks ago , right after he woke up so it was pretty matted and gross . This was when his eye was really bad , now it 's not even close to that and it 's mostly white and clear fluid . ) Tired of the goop and waiting for this to get better , I called the doctor yesterday and they squeezed us in that afternoon . My pediatrician prescribed me a different kind of eye drops , that she wants me to put in both eyes ( even though we are only having trouble with one ) . She also took a swab of the goop ( not sure what she 's testing for ) . So , hopefully , these drops work and we get some results soon . In other Brody news , he is showing symptoms of teething . He 's been producing lots of little spit bubbles , crying , had several inconsolable fits and he is starting to gnaw on things - - rags , fingers , etc . I 've been putting some teething gel on his gums and using teething tablets here and there when he 's fussy and nothing else works . But I haven 't felt any teeth come up yet . The doctor said that the teeth are moving under his gums , which will produce symptoms of teething , but he probably won 't produce teeth for a while . So , I guess every new stage , brings new challenges ! All in all , yesterday was exhausting . Brody wouldn 't stop crying all day and didn 't go to sleep the entire day . I had to constantly hold him and when we were in Posted by Although I was extremely excited about my first Mother 's Day , it wasn 't an amazing , relaxing day like I 'd thought it would be . Saturday night , I , along with a few others , planned a surprise spa party for my sister . We spent the entire night enjoying mini mani 's and pedi 's , food , desserts , wine , gifts and massages . It was relaxing , fun and we laughed all night , telling stories and enjoying our time free of men , kids and work ! ( What perfect timing with it being Mother 's Day weekend and all ! ) Everyone even got a party gift / favor ( see picture ) . The next morning , I woke up not feeling so great . It wasn 't the wine or anything ; I 'd only had two glasses . Apparently a few other girls woke up with upset tummies too . So , unfortunately , I spent majority of Mother 's Day sleeping , sick and in the bathroom . I did , however , get a beautiful card from my two favorite men - - Brody and Klay . Brody signed this card with his foot - and handprint ( which was a little smudged , but that was ok cause it was perfect ! ) . I also got a gift card for a pedicure from them ! It was so sweet . We went over to my mom 's for a bit to celebrate , and Brody spent most of his time outside . He absolutely loves it . He 's so alert now and constantly looking around at everything . He hardly ever wants to be held in a cradling position any more . SAD FACE . He wants to sit , facing outward so he can get a good look at what 's going on around him . Already so grown up ! He 's really starting to turn his head when someone talks and especially when his daddy walks into the room . He hears Klay and his eyes widen while he tries to find him . We 're enjoying every moment of this , because before I know it , he 'll be sitting up on his own , crawling and then graduating high school . Ok , maybe it 's too early for that , but these past 12 weeks have gone by so fast . Everyday this gets more and more fun . He 's always doing something new and smiling is an everyday deal now . We 're just loving every moment with our little angel ! = ) Hope all other mommies had a wonderful Mother 's Day and are enjoying ePosted by Lets start with how the day began , shall we ! ? I had a hair appointment early this morning in Rockwall . Mom offered to watch Brody for a few hours while I spent some time relaxing and getting my hair done , so I started the day early . I got up to a not so fun monthly gift from mother nature , got dressed , make - up on , got Brody up , dressed and fed ( with some of Klay 's help - - he had his final exam and had to head off to school ) , baby bags ready and in the car , a big poopy from Brody ( woo hoo ! ) , my son in the carseat with no fuss , and finally we both made it inside my vehicle , strapped in tight and ready to meet mom at Starbucks in Terrell . I was right on time , actually a little early , I was pretty proud of myself - - should 've seen that as a sign . I get to Starbucks without a hitch , hand my kid off to mom , take some tylenol she gave me ( cramps ! ) , kiss him goodbye , run through the drive thru , grab a white chocolate mocha - - yum - - a breakfast sandwich and head toward Rockwall . Making great time , I thought proudly , I 'll even be there a little early ! Getting to somewhere early , instead of running a few minutes or extremely late , was something I haven 't done in a really long time . Having a kid changes my success in arriving early or on time anywhere . Something always goes wrong ( he spits up and you have to change outfits , he has an extreme , over - the - top hissy fit and I have to calm him down , or you run in and out of the car three times because you forgot your cell phone , purse or a pacifier ; it 's always something ) . Needless to say , I arrived to Rockwall in one piece , 20 minutes before my appointment . Well , I walk in and see my stylist with a client , and I thought , That 's odd thought I was the first of the day . I decided to walk to the bathroom to waste some time and I notice that my stylist was starting the client 's color . RED FLAG . See I 'd called yesterday asking her to confirm my appointment time for tomorrow . She was with a client , naturally , so she responded at 10 , but I 'm pretty sure she didn 't say Friday . Anywho , it doesn 't matter . It could be my mommy - mushy - brain . . . So , I had to turn around and leave , hair ugly and not beautified , only to have to return and do the same thing in the morning . The good thing was I was able to get a few , could - have - been - timed - better errands done . Once I left and my pride of arriving early went out the window ( cause chances of that happening tomorrow are slim to none ) , I eventually started heading back toward home . Klay , who was still in Mesquite , heard all about my frustrations on the phone , and he also knew I needed to go home and get some stuff done for work , so he offered to go out to mom 's to pick up Brody . I got home and the dogs went nuts , as usual , wagging their tails , barking , jumping at me , like they haven 't seen me in weeks . I headed to the back door to let them out when Billie knocks over his food bowl , which is right next to the door , spilling little tiny bits of dried food all over the floor . He then stepped in the water bowl , making it tip over , and got water all over my feet and again all over the floor . I 'd gotten something to eat on the way home , it was around noon then , and I was pretty hungry , but that had to wait . I had to wipe up the water , scrape up the dog food , and then as I proceeded to walk over to the sink with the dripping wet water bowl , spilled the rest of the tiny bit of water on me . Angry at the bowl , I threw it in the stink , and said not - so - nice things . I only got more frustrated as I ate my cold burger and fries . I finally walked in the office and started working . Once Klay got home , I went and checked on Brody . He was just starting to wake up - - go figure . But honestly , I was really happy to see his blue eyes pop open and look at me ! He started whining , so I picked him up . I realized I needed to go to the bathroom , so I passed Bro off to Klay . While I 'm in the potty , I hear Brody crying hysterically . Meanwhile , Klay runs in and shows me a chewed up plastic bottle that looked familiar . There wasn 't much liquid left in Brody 's Tylenol bottle , apparently Klay found Billie chewing on it . ( He also chewed up a baby aspirator , the syringe to the tylenol bottle , a medicine - bottle - dispenser thingy and almost empty bottle of gas drops the day before . ) I called a friend of mine who works for a vet and she told me I needed to feed Billie a little hydrogen peroxide to make him puke it up . So I tried to handle Brody , who was practically inconsolable , while Klay tried to make sure our dog wouldn 't die or have to go the pet ER . Billie finally got sick , a few times , and he was fine . Brody however decided to cry and not sleep the rest of the day . My cramping and crying kid got the best of me , and I was wiped out . Klay made me go take a little nap . The rest of the night was luckily uneventful . But all of the things I wanted to get done today , didn 't happen . My whole day was thrown for a loop and tomorrow now too . I should probably go to sleep while I can ; it 's past midnight . Hopefully , tomorrow will be a bit better . . . Finally , at a little over two months old , I think we have arrived at the " getting better " part . For the past couple of weeks , he 's been sleeping consistently - - about 7 - 8 or more hours at night . I may have to get up once or twice in the middle of the night when he starts squirming to give him his pacifier , but he 's been sleeping pretty well ! So mama 's happy ! = ) And with him sleeping more , we 've been sleeping better ( obviously ) , but now we are sleeping even better , thanks to my amazing friend Cami ! She got us a crazy deal on a king size bed . For only $ 65 , we got a brand new king size bed and box spring ! It was perfect timing cause Klay had just ordered a new king size bed frame from my dad 's friend for only like $ 25 or $ 30 ! Klay and my brother - in - law went and got it Sunday from the store . We 've been sleeping amazing since we have so much room ! Thanks , Cami ! We went to his two month check - up last Wednesday , and Brody is growing nicely according to our pediatrician ! He 's 10 lbs 4 oz and 21 3 / 4 inches long . We told the doctor about his constipation issues and she recommended that we give him an ounce of water mixed with an ounce of apple juice every day to see if that helps . We 've been doing that , but he seems to be having really watery stools after he drinks it , so I 've been cutting it down a little each time to find the right consistency - - and only giving it to him when he really needs it . He also had his two month shots . That was sad and hard for mommy and daddy to watch , but he was a trooper ! He barely cried and as soon as she was done , he was fine . But the shots wore him out ; he was pretty lethargic and slept more than he ate . He stayed like that for about two and a half days , just extremely worn out . Luckily , he didn 't run a fever and wasn 't the least bit cranky . He was just exhausted ! The pediatrician did however notice that he had a little cradle cap . I noticed his head was dry , but I didn 't see too much to be concerned . She told us to use a little head and shoulders every other day on him and that should help . Now Posted by Before I was pregnant I would have never thought I 'd be excited to see a poopy diaper . But when my baby goes a couple of days without a BM , mommy starts to worry . Last Saturday was one of those days . Brody went two and half days with out pooping , and he was hurting because of it . His sad , quivering cries were extremely tough to watch . After Brody finally passed a hard brown nugget , Klay spent the majority of that morning massaging Brody 's stomach , pushing his legs in a bicycle motion and finally inserting a vaseline - soiled q - tip in his rectum to stimulate Brody to push . Luckily , Brody obliged and we finally got some poop ! Although he 's gotten a little relief , he 's still whimpered in pain majority of the day indicating he still had more to pass . We 've had multiple days like that since . He hasn 't been pooping regularly , and it 's been frustrating . The bicycling exercises and tummy massages have become a part of a daily routine , it seems . We 've even added a little prune juice , and given him water , to try to help . But recently , we started giving him Karo syrup in his formula . Only putting a few drops in his bottle , and it seems to be helping . He actually started passing more than little nuggets ( which is what he mostly passed the last week or so ) . These are the days that make me wish I was still mostly breastfeeding or feeding him breast mik . I still have a couple of bags of frozen breast milk , and we decided to dive into the last bit of our supply . Breast milk is always my " golden " solution , and it 's hard knowing our supply is slowly dwindling down . Constipation is by far one of the worst things parents can witness . I hate that we can only use so many tactics to try and get him to go , and I worry that if we continue to use theses same tactics , eventually they will stop working . Here 's the scoop on baby poopy issues / problems , according to Similac 's website : Bowel movementsThe normal range for bowel movements in babies is vast . Infant stool varies from baby to baby , and from day to day . Stool can be yellow , green , or brown aPosted by After introducing Brody to Similac Soy Isomil , he seems to be doing a lot better . The past two nights he 's slept 7 - 8 hours , he hasn 't been near as fussy and we 've gotten back to having more of our smiling sessions again ! Soon after posting my last blog , I logged on to Similac 's website to do a little research . I ended up registering for Strong Moms , to get free samples , information , etc . I got a two - month baby update from them ( as Brody 's almost two months old ; I can 't believe it ) , and I saw this : Signs of milk - protein sensitivity in babiesAll babies are fussy and gassy at times , but if it seems your baby has more frequent fussiness and gas , he could have milk - protein sensitivity . Reactions can include : Skin rashes Watery stools IrritabilityIf you are formula feeding your baby , these reactions could be due to milk - protein sensitivity . Your health care provider can determine whether your baby should be fed a special formula such as Similac ® Soy Isomil ® . I couldn 't believe what I read . What I 've forgotten to mention in my previous posts is that Brody 's had these little bumps around his mouth and on his chin , neck and shoulders . I knew it was from formula spillage during his feedings . I 'd even mentioned to my mom that I thought he may be allergic to the formula or something . He 's had watery stools and everyone knows he 's been more irritable than normal . I was so excited to learn that we 'd finally put him on a formula that looks like it should be the perfect match for him . I ran into the bedroom eager to tell Klay what I read , only to discover him on his phone googling ( of course ) about the formula too . I guess our parenting intuition is in full gear now . We are both always constantly researching anything relating to babies and parenting . I don 't want to get my hopes up , but I 'm just glad to see my Brody get some relief and become more at ease . My smiling and happy baby boy is back again . Don 't get me wrong , I know every baby cries and has his / her bad days , but he seemed like he was hurting and in pain all the time . ThePosted by First off , I 'm so sorry I haven 't been able to post some new blogs lately . This past week has been extremely challenging , exhausting and frustrating . Brody 's sleeping and eating hasn 't been the least bit consistent , and it 's completely worn me out . Due to some recommendations and Brody 's tummy issues , we switched formulas AGAIN . Because a lot of people who 've used Enfamil Nutramigen said it solved all of their child 's tummy problems , we decided to give this formula a try . This brand is the most expensive brand of formula on the shelves , at least that we 've seen . We weren 't happy about the price , but if it works we 'd be happy to foot the bill and bring peace to Brody 's formula issues . It seemed to be working fine at first , and Brody was having a bowel movement everyday or every other day , so I was pretty excited . Eventually , his stools became a bit more watery than I liked and his spit up resurfaced again . I 'm thinking he may have a little bit of reflux , but we called the doctor and they 've recommended that we try a soy - based formula , like Enfamil ProSobee or Similac Soy Isomil . Klay bought Similac Soy Isomil , so we 're starting that tonight . I 'm just hoping we get a handle on this formula thing pretty soon . I don 't know if I can take any more of this . Even though today and last night was rough , Sunday night into Monday morning we managed to get a record 11 hours of sleep . We went to Klay 's parents for Easter on Sunday and everyone was excited to see and hold Brody . Everyone had their turn holding him and for the five hours we were there , I don 't think anyone sat him down once . It was nice to see our family so excited about our new addition . I think after being held the whole time , Brody never managed to get a deep sleep so by the time we got home , he was completely wiped out ( and we somehow managed to get 11 hours of sleep ) . This was a good night for us obviously . But with the good , comes the bad . One good night for us normally means a rough night the next and then an even uglier day / night after that . So for every good Posted by Sorry I haven 't posted for a few days . It 's been chaotic around here , and I 've been extremely busy taking care of Brody ! Of course , as many of you know , north Texas was hit by a dozen tornadoes Tuesday afternoon . A tornado hit in Forney , only a few miles from our home . Luckily , we are all safe and there was no damage to our house . Brody experienced his first storm and tornado warning yesterday . When the sirens went off , Brody , Stretch , Billie and I took " cover " in the tub . Klay stayed out and watched the TV to see what was happening in our area . I 'm the first to admit I have an extreme fear of tornadoes ( I have nightmares about them all the time ) , and now that we have Brody , tornadoes are even scarier than before . Our first priority is making sure our child is safe , and the fact that he may be in danger is pretty frightening . Thankfully , through it all , Brody never knew anything abnormal was going on . There was major damage all over north Texas , and in Forney , and I 'm so happy to hear there were no casualties . The north Texas storm that wreaked havoc yesterday wasn 't the only storm that caused an uproar at our house ; the high - pitched , loud , screeching sounds of our baby boy crying kept us up into the wee hours . Needless to say , we had a rough , rough night . Brody was awake for seven hours , two of which , he was screaming at the top of his lungs . Nothing , and I mean NOTHING , would soothe him . He was squirming , fussing , burping and farting nonstop . I know he was gassy , had a tummy ache and needed a good BM , even though he had one Monday or Tuesday . ( I can 't remember which day it was because my days and nights are running together , so now I 'm creating a calendar to keep track . ) Of course , seeing him in pain and not being able to fix it caused me to cry . On top of that , it was frustrating that we couldn 't calm him down and get him quiet ( I 'm surprised he didn 't wake the neighbors ) . That may sound bad , but let 's face it , no one really wants to hear the deafening sound of a baby screaming at the top of his lungs . But more than Posted by Last night one of my oldest friends came over for some mommy and baby time ( oldest meaning I 've known her all my life ) ! Brittany brought her three month old son , Grayden , over to visit and spend time with me and Brody . It was a lot of fun sharing stories about our trials and triumphs of being a mommy ! We decided to cook dinner ( she brought the food ; thanks , Britt ! ) and it was pretty interesting trying to cook with crying babies in our arms . It took a lot of teamwork and time , but we managed to make a delicious dinner ! After they left , it took several hours for Brody to fall asleep . My poor baby is a little constipated , and although I gave him breast milk before which made him have a BM almost instantly , the past few times I 've given it to him , it didn 't work . So instead of taking care of my normal deep - sleeping baby , where rarely any sound make him wake up , Brody has been extremely sensitive to sound and movement . Last night , I became extremely frustrated when the dogs would bark at nothing or I 'd accidentally hit something or make a noise that 'd wake him up . Since we moved into our new house , we 've had issues with our microwave ; it 'll randomly beep and won 't stop until you unplug it ( apparently the keypad is going out ) . And of course by the time I finally get Brody down , the microwave starts going off , waking him up . This was at 3 a . m . ! I don 't know why things like that always happen at the worst time ! Needless to say , I had to call my mom this morning to see if she 'd come over to let me get an extra hour or two of sleep . Luckily , she did . Thanks , Mom ! The past two days and nights Brody has been a little more irritable than normal , and it 's hurts me to not be able to make him feel better ! So , I 'm praying we get a good poopy pretty soon ! Ok as a proud aunt , I have to mention this ! Brody and I went to watch his cousin Presley ( my sister 's daughter ) at her first t - ball game today ! Here 's a pic of Presley ( left ) and Emma ( right ) , Staci and Mark 's beautiful little girl . Aren 't they adorable ? It was a lot of fun watching themPosted by I 'm not so happy to say that our seven - hour sleeping record was short lived . Last night , Brody fell asleep around 1 : 30 a . m . , woke up at 3 : 30 , went back to sleep around 4 : 30 and back up at 7 a . m . Truthfully , I didn 't think the longer sleep was going to last too long . I 'm still hoping that this was just an " off " night and was only just a little " bump " in our road to sleeping success . I imagine his sleeping pattern won 't become incredibly consistent just yet , but I hope we can get some sort of consistency going soon . But I 'm still hoping for the best for the many nights to come ! Amidst all the restless nights and exasperation , there are joys of waking up in the middle of the night with Brody . Lately , we get to see , what I like to call , little Brody " smile sessions . " Seeing my little baby smile is not only one of the many precious moments that make me feel like I 'm doing something right , but his beautiful grins never fail to put a smile on my face . I think this is one of the many trade - offs of being a mom . Through the fatigue , exhaustion and many breakdowns , come these sweet amazing moments that let you know that it was all worth it . By far one of my favorite things is watching him smile when I sing . He 's the only person in the world who likes to hear me sing ! Watching him smile because he likes to hear my voice , not only makes me an extremely happy mom , but it also helps keep me sane . Here 's a little peek at one of our singing / smile sessions : [ youtube http : / / www . youtube . com / watch ? v = Jmi7gVkzQaY & w = 420 & h = 315 ] I know many moms are struggling with sleep deprivation and feel like they might " lose it , " and one of the things that 's hard for me to do is admit when I needed help . I 'm not really one to ask for help ( or admit that I need it ) because I like to prove that I can do it myself . Pediatricians and nurses will constantly tell you to sleep while your baby is asleep . But how are you supposed to do that when you need to clean , wash bottles , do laundry , shower and make you something to eat ? My exhaustion took priority over all ofPosted by I 'm so excited and happy to announce . . . we had another night of 7 hours of sleep ! Woo hoo ! Sorry , had to get that out there . I honestly think that the sleeping longer all stems from switching formulas . I 've learned that one of the toughest things about formula is finding the right kind that suits your child . This is one of the main reasons I 'm still pumping . We started using Similac Advance , which was one of the samples given by our pediatrician . This seemed to be working fine , and we had absolutely no constipation with it ( Brody was producing at least 5 - 7 soiled diapers a day ) . We did , however , have absignificant amount of spit up with this brand . The number of stool - filled diapers Brody was producing a day seemed normal to me because that 's how much he 'd been pooping since he was born . However , I was having a major issue with his diaper rash ( and also tiny bleeding under his scrotum from irritation ) and diaper creams really weren 't cutting it . My expert googler of a husband , researched and thought we weren 't leaving diapers off long enough to air out the irritated area . So , we were tried everything to fix it . We left his diapers off for an hour at a time ( after his nightly bath ) and kept him wrapped in a towel , we 'd tried Butt Paste , Butt Aid , Desitin ( not a recommendation by the way ) , Baby Powder , Vaseline and even corn starch ( this usually works according to my sister and grandma and there is even baby powder with corn starch in it apparently ) . But nothing seemed to completely heal it ; they 'd make it appear like it was getting better for a few diaper changes , and then it 'd be red , irritated and bleeding again . Anyway , because of his spit up we decided to switch to Similac Sensitive for Spit - Up . Within the first day of using this formula , Brody went 12 plus hours without a bowel movement . Being the worrier I am , I began to fret that he 'd get a tummy ache and the constipation would worsen . Although I figured the formula switch might constipate him until his body got used to it , the drastic change from 5 - 7 soiled diapPosted by Brody is now one month old , and Klay and I both still feel extremely sleep deprived . Our constant exhaustion turns into frustration and the frustration has caused serious damage to my normal " sane " mind . I 'm only left with bits and pieces of my brain causing an inability for me to function properly . So now this mushy thing that I used to call a brain causes never - ending forgetfulness ( trying to remember " did I put one scoop of formula in the bottle or two ? " ) , lots of expecting Klay to know exactly what I 'm thinking or wanting without saying anything ( " are you going to make him more to eat ? " and getting a response of " I didn 't know you wanted me to " ) , trying to recall times he ate , pooped and how long he 's been asleep ( " wait am I thinking of last night or today or two days ago ? " ) and not understanding why or how I do certain things ( marking my breast milk freezer bags with a date two weeks before Brody was even born ) . So , needless to say this morning was extremely exciting because we woke up with a solid seven hours of sleep ! ! ! ( Well almost . . . I sort of woke up with an allergic reaction from something that bit me . Not sure what it was but I 'm ok ! ) . Now , I 'm hoping this is the " getting better part " and Brody will start sleeping 6 - 7 hours at night . This would truly be amazing . My only concern is that he tends to sleep longer in his boppy on our bed . I know pediatricians don 't advise this , but in his first few weeks of life , as a new mom and dad , we 'd do anything to get some sleep . There were several late night feedings where the only way to get more that an hour was to let him fall asleep on my chest . Every time he 's not sleeping with us , he doesn 't sleep any longer than four hours . Although four hours may seem like a decent time frame to some people , my little man is a grunter and loves to squirm . So every time he moves or makes a sound , I hear it and wake up . But it can 't all get better can it ? Though my sleep may have been long and enjoyable , my day got pretty chaotic rather quickly . Klay and I woke with Brody and bPosted by During my pregnancy , many women often asked me if I wanted to breastfeed . Before I got pregnant , the answer was originally " hell no . " I 'd heard horror stories about what it does to your boobs and how horrible they are after , but then I got pregnant and my answer changed rather quickly . After seeing the effect pregnancy had on my body , my boobs were the least of my concern . But more than that , feeling my little nudger kick and squirm around in me changed things . I wanted what 's best and most natural for my child , but I didn 't want to become obsessed about breastfeeding . " I 'm going to try , " I 'd respond to the inquiries . That was the truth , I had every intention of trying , but I told myself and everyone else that I wouldn 't get my hopes up and become some crazy mom who would cry and get upset if it didn 't work out . But by day two of breastfeeding , I 'd become a liar . Let 's be honest . . . breastfeeding is no joke . It 's tough and in the beginning the odds are really against you . A 2008 report from Brigham Young University shows " while three out of four mothers start breastfeeding , only 36 percent of them continue for at least six months , " according to a NY Times blog . So naturally I didn 't think breastfeeding would actually work out for me for several reasons . I didn 't think I 'd like or enjoy it . The thought of a baby on your boob is weird to some people , and I thought I might feel the same way . People told stories of how it would solidify the bond between mother and child , but I didn 't buy it . I 'd been surrounded by formula feeding moms and babies who seemed to have a great bond . So , I never truly believed or understood how it really could breastfeeding could create an essential , powerful and stronger bond than a non - breastfed child . The baby may not take to it and learn to latch on . It 's a fact that sometimes babies don 't learn to latch properly or struggle with the whole breastfeeding process . I didn 't want to get my hopes up . People told me I 'd have to watch what I eat and couldn 't eat / drink certain things . If anyone knPosted by The morning sickness , the stretch marks and the many late night trips to the bathroom all led up to this moment - - becoming a parent . Going through labor and actually seeing your child for the first time is truly the most amazing ( and painful ) experiences ever . As a first - time mom , I was unsure what I 'd feel or how I 'd react at that exact moment , but the feeling is absolutely overwhelming . Holding this tiny person that you created for the first time is powerful , moving and indescribable . But along with the happiness and joy of having my new baby boy , Brody , now comes the trials and triumphs of parenthood . During one of my restless nights , I put my son down praying he 'd sleep for three to four hours and it hit me - - I wanted to blog again . And what better thing to write about than my new experiences of being a mom ? So I created this blog to communicate and talk to other moms , share my experiences with other first - time mommies , and encourage and try to relate to parents during this , sometimes hard , exhausting and trying time ! I hope many of you will enjoy and relate to my experiences ! We all need to stick together and learn from each other . No one truly knows how it feels to experience all the emotions , joys , struggles and frustrations of parenthood than my fellow mommies ! Hope everyone is enjoying your role as mom ! I 'm wishing everyone great success , patience and many hours of sleep ! Best , Cassidy |
I 'm opening up my arms and letting go of a life I can 't control . While the idea can be a little bit scary , I 'm willing to hold my breath and take a leap , knowing I will not drown . With apologies to C . S . Lewis and one of my favorite books , " The Lion , the Witch and the Wardrobe : " God isn 't safe . But He 's good . Ethan Meets " Fake News " A few weeks ago Ethan asked to play on my phone for a few minutes before school . This is a sometimes - privilege granted when he 's completely ready for school , chores done , good attitude , etc . He nearly always goes to YouTube and looks up videos about Minecraft . This day seemed different , however . And while I 'd like to say I monitor every moment my child is online ( because God knows what 's out there ! ) I don 't always see everything he 's doing , especially if he 's on for a brief period of time . It wasn 't until we were walking to school that he sighed , " My greatest wish in the world is to be able to fly . " This isn 't the first time he 's said this , along with sharing his love of bald eagles and how he wants to be a bald eagle - - so he can fly , of course . But this time there was more . " Mamma , do you know there IS a way you can fly ? For real ? " " And what 's that ? " I asked slowly , suspiciously . " Well , I saw it on this video . . . " Warning bells went off . Loudly . " What video ? " I asked , my voice rising . " On YouTube . " " Is that what you were just doing ? ? " " Yes . There are these videos , and the people said if you do it you really will be able to fly , and they weren 't lying . And they even showed them flying . I swear ! " I didn 't even know where to begin with this . " Ethan , what did they say to do ? " " Well , one said you had to think really hard about being able to fly , and drink a lot of water , and then say these words and spin around , and you would really start flying . " Again I was left speechless , and yet it was almost time to see him off to school . How to start a discussion with a very literal child about the evils of the internet , about not everything you see online being true , about special effects and people who will say anything to get followers and about when someone is kidding or doing a little " spoof " versus real life ? All I could think about was when I used to work for the hospital full time , and they had the " Safe Kids " program that was dedicated to child safety and educating people on issues like drowninDeb I love when kids try out words . Chloe , lately , is trying to figure out time ( not how to tell it , but rather what the different time terms mean ) . And so she 'll randomly throw out things like , " When I was at Grammy 's house , five years ago . . . " which is rather funny , since she 's not yet three . Or : " When Anna comes home at 46 . " Forty - six is definitely her favorite number . And no , it 's not because I or her dad are 46 ( but that number is starting to look closer and closer ) . Ethan tries out words , too , with a few slip - ups along the way . His speech is fantastic . He has come a LONG way from the days when he was delayed at age 2 and 3 . His pragmatic language ( using speech in the correct context ) is really quite good as well , but he has his moments . He tends to use the more formal term for certain things , sometimes . So instead of being hurt , he might say , " I 'm injured ! " Sometimes I wonder if he gets this from football , They have the injury report , after all , and are always talking about having " an injured player on the field . " Thanks to Master Chef he likes to say things like , " Yay , it 's time for our entrees ! " when we 're at a restaurant . These type of things make me smile and Anna cringe . It 's so hard to explain to Ethan that the words he 's using aren 't technically wrong . They 're just not typically used - - especially by a nine - year - old . The other day he asked me what " e . g . " meant . He 'd seen it in a book . I told him it was like saying , " for example . " Honestly , I don 't know what e . g . really means . Does it stand for something Latin ? Yeah , I was an English major but I don 't know . So the next day in conversation he said something like , " So , if we 're going to do something active , e . g . , basketball or football . . . " " Ethan ? " I asked . " Did you just say e . g . ? " " Yeah . " " Um . " I tried to think of how to phrase this . " I know it means for example , but it 's not something people use in conversation . Usually it 's just written in books . " " Why ? " " Why ? " I repeated . Darned . Stumped again . " I don 't know why , " I admitted . " It just sounds weird . " " But what about a . k . a . ? People say that ? And for example ? Isn 't it all the same thing ? " Acck . The kid is too smart . " Well , yes . . . . " I conceded . Why ? I asked inwardly , shaking my fist at the English language . Why is aka alright but eg is not ? " I love e . g . It 's my new favorite word , " he said happily . Since then he has started using it all of the time . Well , in context . But I swear he 's looking for examples of times he can say for example , via e . g . " Do you say that at school , to other kids ? " I asked him , wondering if they would know what he 's talking about . " No , " he said , but he wouldn 't say why . That made me wonder if maybe he 's making a mental note of the " right " way to say things , if there really is such a thing . But he feels comfortable to say them however he pleases at home . And that 's the way it should be . Family , e . g . , the place where you can be yourself . And say the words that sound silly . Even if none of us really know why . Posted by So Ethan has this new interest in people in charge and " authority . " In some ways it 's distain ( he came out of Sunday school a few weeks ago after a lesson on the authority figures in his life and declared " I HATE your authority " ) . I get this . Sometimes for a kid it feels like life is all about many , many different people telling you what to do . And of course this interest in bosses and being the one in charge has everything to do with power - - which is really appealing to a just - turned nine - year - old boy . Those who wield the most power ( aside from parents , who are asking him to do things he doesn 't want to do ) are to be admired . Gaining an understanding about authority happens when you begin to see that there is a structure and reporting system or chain of command in all of the entities in this life that either directly or indirectly affect him - - school , government , even church . This may have begun when we were talking about the superintendent of schools and how he visited Ethan 's school one day . I remember our superintendent when I was in elementary school . A stern man with a big balding head , he terrified me . " Do you know Craig Cooke is in charge of all of your teachers ? " I asked him . " I thought the principal was in charge , " he replied . " Well yes , but Craig Cooke is HER boss , " I said . This gave him pause . " Who is Craig Cooke 's boss , then ? " he asked . As often happens in these situations , I didn 't quite know , which had me tossing around answers without really knowing what I was talking about . This seems to happen often , as a parent . " Umm , the state education commissioner ? " I pondered . " No , the Board of Education ! " Ethan replied , as I wondered where he gotten that from ( some book , apparently ) . I wondered : was he right ? and then lamented I didn 't pay attention more in that State & Local Government course in college . Despite not receiving true resolution on Craig Cooke 's boss , Ethan felt confident enough about the matter to discuss the whole thing with his principal a few days later . Apparently the principal filled in one afternoon for whoever takes the students who walk home from school over to the crossing guard . She and Ethan got to chatting , and , Ethan announced proudly , " I told her Craig Cooke was her boss . But not the crossing guards ' boss . " ( We 'd talked about that , too ) . I don 't know how many times Ethan has asked me who 's in charge of the police ; the firefighters ; the people in a hospital . Of course when the election came around there were ample opportunities to talk about the way government works ( or doesn 't ) and who reports to whom . Once again he stymied me as we talked about our town 's mayor and town 's manager . Wait a minute ? What 's the difference ? I 'm still wondering , and realizing even now how incredibly dumb and uniformed children 's questions can make you feel . Trying to explain " checks and balances " and the three major branches of government is a bit much for a third grader ( and my somewhat lacking store of knowledge ) . But I 've made an attempt , several times . One day he asked me about the Supreme Court . He loved to hear that it was " the highest court in the land . " Even better - - that the president even could not overrule something the Supreme Court decided . " The Supreme Court , " I heard him saying to himself , smiling . Oh , the power ! Another time recently he asked , " Is the United Nations the boss of the president ? " " No ! " I answered , probably too vehe " God . " And well , that was that . He has a point . Even when it doesn 't feel like it . It 's great when kids make you think , and when kids make you learn , and when they help you remember things that were once more difficult , and yet easier to understand . " In the Lord 's hand the king 's heart is a stream of water that he channels toward all who please him . " - Proverbs 21 : 1 The moment I realized I was crying - - outwardly weeping - - because I could not find my sunglasses and I needed to go outside and get Ethan from school and didn 't want people to actually SEE I 'd been crying was when I acknowledged that yes , it had been a very bad afternoon . What 's worse than a toddler who doesn 't feel like napping but rather engaging in destructive practices ? A toddler who doesn 't feel like napping but being destructive , WHILE mom is trying to do work . I do have another job , right now , even though I 've tried to keep it to a minimum , working primarily around naps and early in the morning . Sometimes this all goes splendidly and I 'm living the balanced life of being at home while still using my brain in a different way , and all is good . Other times ? Well . What happened that afternoon ? The question should probably be what DIDN ' T happen . I desperately needed to be on the phone scheduling things , while Chloe desperately wanted to stay up and wreak havoc . In every room . She left no stone unturned . Books off shelves ? DVDs on floor ? File folders emptied out and spread randomly all over the dining room ? Sure , why not . I could not SEE her bedroom floor . Then , there was the potty no - so - much - of - an - accident . Things get really , really ugly when they don 't have a diaper on . The horror ! And all of this while I was attempting to reach people who ignored deadlines and were infuriatingly unreachable . Good times . I always have to add a disclaimer , when people ask what I " do " for a career , and I tell them I mostly stay at home with my kids , but that I 'm a freelance writer / editor as well . " It 's not as glamorous as you might think . I mostly write health care articles , " I sometimes say , in case their idea of a freelancer is that I 'm dashing off magazine articles or possibly novels . Or , maybe they are like my eighth grade self , who figured it just might be possible to stay at home all day , keep an eye on my children , and become fabulously rich writing about young adult characters . I had stacks and stacks of my " books " lying around my room - - stories about " Jessica " and " Tiffany " and the trials and tribulations of middle school . That vision lasted a few years until career day in high school , when I attended a session with quite possibly the most depressed journalist on the planet . " Don 't do this , " he essentially told us , which I thought was rather strange on a day designated for kids to explore their dream careers . His demoralized attitude got me thinking , and before I knew it I 'd decided to pursue psychology in college instead of journalism . Only , after a year I was disillusioned with too many crackpot theories , and particularly by psych professors who seemed more depressed and disillusioned than that journalist back in high school . So after winning the freshman essay contest , I decided to switch to an English major , which led to everyone in the world asking me , " Oh , are you going to teach ? " " No , I want to write , " I 'd tell people , which they thought was rather hysterical . Even my advisor , well - meaning as she was , suggested I pursue a health career . That 's where the jobs were , she reiterated , and asked if I 'd consider becoming a nutritionist . Which - - to this day - - is so laughable I 'm not sure how I respectfully exited her office . Yet somehow I DID become a writer ( with some video producing thrown in for good measure ) , and wouldn 't you know , a writer on health care topics , after taking a last - semester internship in Marketing and Public Relations for a large local health system . A year later I was hired , and when I left seven years after that when Anna was a baby , I began taking on projects on a freelance basis . Which is where we are today , and I am immensely grateful to have a chance to be home with my kids and get to write , and get paid for it ( even if I 'm not writing books but rather articles about medical procedures ) . I 've learned a few things on this 10 - year plus journey through freelancing and mothering . Sometimes , unfortunately , I forget what I 've learned , which leads to days like above . But in my more wise moments , I remember : 1 ) There are days you just have to turn on the TV for a little while for your child so you can get your Deb A Visit to Room 2 I 'm convinced teachers have one of the most entertaining jobs in the world . The other day Ethan 's class invited parents to come in and hear some of the writing pieces they 'd been working on . Wouldn 't you know , Ethan was completely fine with this UNTIL we were walking down the street that morning and I was about to say goodbye . " I don 't want to do this . I don 't want to read in front of everyone , " he said , literally standing at the stoplight waiting to cross the street . Nothing like procrastinating about your fears . " Ethan , it 's okay . You 're going to do great . " " My writing is awful ! Ask her if this can just be optional ! " Now he was really upset . First , I straightened him out about his writing . It 's not awful . Of course , as his parent , I wouldn 't tell him straight out if it was , but Ethan writes surprisingly well . His teacher was really amused by some of his stories last year . But that out of the way , I felt the conundrum again . I think every parent feels this . How do you know when you 're pushing your kids too far ? You don 't want them to think saying " no " to difficult things is always an option . But you don 't want them to be tormented with fear , either . He had to cross the street , so I just called out something about emailing his teacher and tried to act upbeat to cheer him up . When I wrote to her , I said what I always end up saying : that we push Ethan to stretch himself sometimes , and will make accommodations for him , but it shouldn 't be the first option . She said she was fine with having him come up front and if he was still too nervous she would read with him standing next to him . That sounded like a good plan . And so we arrived at 2 : 15 . Chloe had christened herself with green glitter glue just before we left that would only partially come out of her face and hands . Lovely . We traipsed into the classroom and sat down to hear what was on the minds of 20 third graders . I love , love , love this age . They are still too innocent to criticize each other 's stories or to roll their eyes . They each wrote Deb Lately Ethan has discovered more than ever before that there are very real differences between himself and other people - - and I 've found myself quoting all of those parental clichés that are annoying to hear when you 're a child . Let me be clear - - I don 't mean differences that have anything to do with autism , but rather Ethan is noticing that different kids have different rules , different talents , different strengths and weaknesses . A lot of this has come out , ironically , due to another kid in Ethan 's class who is on the spectrum ( I believe he too shared this information with his classmates last year ) . We 'll call him George . Apparently they get along well enough in real life , but for some reason Ethan is often commenting on George . First it was the Doritos . Ethan was furious because George gets Doritos every day for a snack . Doritos are Ethan 's all - time favorite food . If we had them in the house all of the time , they wouldn 't last long . We try to save them for parties or other special occasions . Ethan was perfectly fine having fruit snacks at school - - until he had to sit there and watch George tantalizingly crunch into Doritos every day . One afternoon after a particularly rough day that also involved an unsuccessful Minecraft venture Ethan started yelling about how unfair it was , that every day George ate Doritos , that I gave him horrible food , and that I was yes , a " Meanie . " I wonder if I should consider that a badge of honor . He also gave me an earful about another friend who had a TV in his room , and a friend that got to play Wii before school . " I 'm sorry you 're upset , " I told him , " but that 's the way it goes sometimes . Different families have different rules . " I may have also thrown in the " life isn 't always fair " line , trying to break some kind of record for the most clichés packed into one sentence . The thing is : it 's true , and there 's no way around it . We 're not putting a TV in his room ; if he plays Wii in the morning we 'll never make it to school ; he doesn 't need Doritos every day . Although I did go oDeb Ethan , almost 3 , with one of his therapists , Amber Back when Ethan was almost exactly the age Chloe is now , before he started preschool and when he was still receiving therapy at home , we decided it would be a good idea to have him begin attending one of the playgroups held each morning in the town 's schools . It would be good preparation for preschool , his therapists suggested , and one group was in the actual school he 'd be attending , which would help familiarize him with it . Yes , all of us thought this would be a great idea - - except Ethan . Ethan wanted nothing to do with the playgroup . The set - up was simple : moms or other caregivers and their babies and kids up to age 5 would come play for about a half - hour . Then everyone would pick up , have circle time , do a craft , eat a snack and leave . Simple was not in our vocabulary those days . The first week it took 15 minutes to get him in the door . Once he finally inched inside , Ethan wanted nothing to do with the toys . The sink , microwave and light switches were much more appealing . When I 'd convinced him he could NOT play with any of the above , he eased his stress by smushing his entire body onto the floor and pushing himself along , like a snake . I looked at other parents actually able to converse while their kids occupied themselves , playing contentedly at a table with blocks , and getting up eagerly to go sit for circle time , and told myself I was never going to take small moments like that for granted again . This playgroup thing was HARD . I was drenched in sweat from the effort of helping him keep it together and not run out of the room . The next week I came with reinforcements . One of Ethan 's therapists , Amber , attended the group with us and was able to give me some pointers and help Ethan calm down a little . He was just ever - so - slightly better . Another godsend was the playgroup leader , " Ms . Betsy " ( a legend in town to this day ! ) . I 'll never forget her own patience and understanding , from her warm smile and greetings to Ethan ( which would often go ignored ) to the lEvery week for the two months leading up to him starting school went on like this . Playgroup was , well , work . Ethan paid no attention to other kids . He would rarely play with toys except for Play - Doh and puzzles . We got him to ease closer to the circle but never fully participate . Pushing his body against the floor ( now understood as a definite sensory - seeking behavior ) was still a preferred activity . I wondered how in the world he was going to do in school when he 'd be ask to sit and focus for much longer . Of course over time Ethan did start school and did do well . The next year when he switched to afternoon pre - K we returned to a few of the playgroups and he coped markedly better . By then I had a better handle on the areas where therapy and school had really helped him mature ( self - regulation ; focus ) and which areas would most likely always be a struggle ( creative play ; initiating social interaction ) . Ethan went on to graduate from the playgroups and start full - time school , as all kids do , and we left them behind until Chloe and I began attending together last year . One of the groups we attend regularly is at Ethan 's new school this year , and when he found out that kids can earn tickets for good behavior and have a chance to read books during story time to the playgroup kids , he was on a mission . There was nothing he wanted to do more than read to his little sister . Last week , less than two months into the school year , Ethan earned enough tickets to be a playgroup reader . He brought two books about pumpkins home to practice . I talked to him about remembering to turn the book around and read loudly so the littles ones could see and hear the story . And on Monday morning , Ethan arrived in the room with the books in hand and a big grin on his face . And yes , I may be biased , but I have to say he did a pretty darned good job . An amazing job . I couldn 't stop smiling . " Ms . Jen , " the playgroup leader , mentioned that it was the first time she 'd ever had a child who 'd once attended her playgroup come back and read to the Posted by " Mamma , do we have a funnel anywhere in this house ? " We 'd just finished dinner . Ethan 's soccer practiced had been cancelled and he had a gleam in his eye . The request piqued my interest . " Why do you want a funnel , Ethan ? " " Because I want to do a prank . " He 'd just been reading a Captain Underpants book . Don 't ask , but apparently Captain Underpants is big with boys his age . . . and also provides plenty of fodder for kids interested in pranking others . I 'm not so sure this is a good thing . " We don 't have a funnel anymore , Ethan . Or maybe there 's one somewhere in the garage . You 're not going out there to look for that now . " It was almost dark . I heard him rummaging around but was focused on cleaning up the dinner dishes . A few minutes later , he called me . " Okay , I 'm ready to do my prank ! " " Um , Eeth . Usually you don 't TELL someone before doing a prank . It kind of ruins it . " He ignored me . " Walk past the closet door ! " " Okay , " I sighed . " Here I am . . . " He burst out of the door . Something wet that smelled exceedingly of fake pumpkin hit my face . Febreeze . " Agggckkkkhhh ! " I yelled . The small headache I 'd already had grew exponentially . " What are you DOING ? " I tried to calm down as he stood there looking at me serenly . " Ethan , if you 're going to do a prank like that , you can 't spray something with chemicals in it in someone 's face . That 's dangerous . You have to spray water . Pranks are supposed to be harmless . " He put away the Febreeze and was suddenly outside in the growing darkness , looking for something . " I wanna do that ! " Chloe yelled . Chloe 's always yelling that . A few minutes later he was back , with Chloe , in the bathroom with the door closed . Water was running . I had just cleaned the bathroom a few hours before . " Guys , you need to get out of there ! " I urged . " But I 'm doing my prank ! " he yelled . A few minutes later , he commissioned me to walk by the closet again . This time he accosted me with two water guns . . . the big kinds , that release a whole gush of water . " Hahahah , gotcha ! " He grinned . I looked down at my clothes , still damp with Febreeze ; now with water . In the bathroom the sink was half - full with clogged water and bits of dirt and mud from outside . My clean bathroom . Sigh . . . " I wanna fill that with water ! " Chloe was yelling . " No , these are DONE for the night , " I ordered , asking Ethan to put them back outside . When he got back in , I told him he needed to do his nightly reading . I was about done with pranks for the night . " BUT . . . I was wondering . Do we have a long , thick rope ? " Here we go again . I shook my head . " How about a short , thick rope ? " Anna appeared . " Let me help you Ethan . I know how frustrating it can be to have an idea but not be able to find the products around the house . " Which I thought was quite charitable of her . Except I didn 't even want to think about what he 'd be using the rope for . She pulled out the proverbial " junk drawer " in the kitchen , which then almost crashed to the floor . Something is wrong with the drawer , most likely because so often children are digging in there looking for treasures like thick ropes . Alas for Ethan , there was no rope to be found . He got working on something else in the other room . There was more suspicious silence . Silence and children never go together , unless they 're reading . " Mamma , come see my magic trick ! " He held out his hand , hiding his thumb . " See my thumb is missing , and I will make it appear . Something was poking into his brand new shirt , under the sleeve . " See how this screw is going right through my hand . . . " He was pressing a very sharp screw right into his shirt . " STOP ! " I cried . " That 's a brand new shirt ! " " AND HERE ' S MY THUMB ! IT APPEARED ! " I think he was looking for applause . I tried to be enthusiastic while simultaneously cautioning him that he could not do tricks that involved sharp items . " I 'm painting , I 'm painting , " I heard from the other room . Chloe had searched through the craft supplies and was dolloping brown paint all over a paper . At least she had remembered to paint paper instead of the table . Somehow an incredible amount of paint was smeared into her hair . Deep breaths . " Ethan , you need to do your reading . Now . Tricks are done for the night . " A part of me felt bad . We ARE always encouraging him to leave his screens behind and try new things . But I was DONE . Into the bath went Chloe , after I attempted to wash off some of the paint in the sink . Brown flecks danced with the dirt from the squirt guns . In the bath , too . Brown paint everywhere . My nice clean bathroom . Well , for two hours clean . Ethan went to read . Chloe got clean . And I remembered why I always feel so tired once we hit about 7 or 8pm . And then I had to laugh . Posted by This incident happened a few weeks ago , so I 've had a little time to , I guess you could say , recover . This is what happened : After Ethan finished his soccer game two Saturdays ago we headed to Target ( along with Chloe ) to pick up a few things . Dan and Anna had other plans that morning . After we walked in , Ethan clumping with his soccer cleats , and took our first turn towards toiletries , Ethan asked if he could go to the toy section . During the summer , I would let Ethan and Anna go off without me for a little while and head to that part of the store . I 'd wind around and meet up with them a few minutes later . Ethan would always , and I mean always , head over to the WiiU console they have set up over there and start playing , with Anna just a few aisles away . There have been a few times Anna hasn 't been with us when Ethan asked to head over there on his own . With trepidation , I said yes - - and tried to make sure we hurried over there even more quickly than usual . The few times he 'd done that , he was , of course , at the WiiU playing . So Ethan headed off to the toy section , as I called out , " Don 't leave that area ! " It was the very last thing I said to him . You can see where this is going . Chloe and I picked up some of the things we needed at the front of the store . Only , we were moving more slowly than usual , because now Chloe has decided she doesn 't like to ride in the cart . She 's pretty good in the store , but she is a dawdling toddler . As a result , getting back over to the toy section took a bit longer than I would have liked . Side note : I realize there are some people who will not approve of my decision to leave Ethan alone in the store at any time . I understand that ; it 's one of many reasons I wasn 't particularly eager to write this . But I also know that lately we 've been trying to extend his " leash " ( for lack of a better word ) just a little . He 's been great in supermarkets , finding food for me and promptly returning . We 've had many talks about strangers or " tricky people " to the point of almost scaring him . And he ' sThe bathroom . I wondered if he 'd decided to walk down to the restrooms near the store 's entrance . Normally he uses the family restroom . It was empty . I knocked on the door to the men 's room and called his name . Nothing . Well , maybe I missed him and he 's already back at the toys , I told myself , walking faster and faster . Chloe kept protesting , so finally I plopped her into the cart . She started screaming as we pushed way faster than normal through the aisles . People were starting to stare . The toy area was Ethan - less . I wondered if he went to look at the Halloween costumes , so we whizzed over there . Nope . I pushed randomly down aisles , calling him . Chloe joined in , too . There are times when I wish I was one of those people who could maintain calm , give off a little chuckle , and just think , " Well , the kid 's got to turn up SOMEWHERE around here . " But no . No , I am the one whose favorite book throughout high school was The Year Without Michael , an acclaimed young - adult novel about a 14 - year - old boy who just disappeared one Sunday afternoon walking to his friend 's house . They never found him . Wouldn 't you know , I had just come across that book , plunked high on a shelf , a few days before . The scenes ran through my head . In retrospect what I should have done next was probably calm down and take a very careful walk through every aisle of the store , calling Ethan 's name constantly . But no . I suddenly had The Year Without Michael drilled into my mind . Flyers on telephone polls . TV news . Police interviews . This is what they call , in the behavioral health world , " all or nothing thinking . " It 's not healthy obviously . It 's also a very hard habit to break . Especially if you 've been doing it for nearly 40 years . We pushed past about half of the store as I called Ethan with of course , no response . My next thought was to go to customer service and tell them I couldn 't find my son . I figured ( silly me ! ) that maybe they would overhead page him , tell him his mom was looking for him and to report to the front of the store or something . " You can 't find him ? " the woman at the desk asked again , to be sure . Then she took out her walkie - talkie and started radioing someone . " Hey , we have a Code Yellow . " I have never seen the team members of Target act with such military precision . " Post someone at the doors ! " I heard the radio crackle , and two employees appeared out of nowhere , blocking the exits . Several others took up posts all along the front of the store , near the Starbucks café and bathrooms . " What does your son look like ? " someone asked . I can 't believe this is happening , I thought , as I stuttered that he had dark blond hair and was wearing his soccer uniform . Cleats . I wondered if the police were going to appear . I saw myself being interviewed by the news ( " And the last I saw of him , he was still wearing his soccer uniform " . . . ) . Two other employees appeared and said they wThere is a Bible verse that talks about taking every thought captive and making them obedient to Christ . Basically it relates in a very real way to learning how to train your mind to not immediately chase down rabbit trails . It 's the antithesis of " all or nothing thinking . " It also is a discipline . And for some of us who have trails well - worn with bad habits , it 's not as simple as quoting a Bible verse and going on your way . It 's as hard as training for a marathon , in some respects . Sometimes anxiety really just does feel easier . But I knew , in that moment . I had to stop . This was completely out of my control . I whispered a prayer , staring at the scores of people unloading carts , pushing their way through the aisles . I prayed and prayed because I knew there was nothing else I could DO . And then , for a few moments , something happened . The pounding of my heart and of my thoughts faded to something dull and almost unrecognizable . I felt it . Peace . A few minutes later the two employees who 'd taken off to search appeared in the distance , with Ethan walking between them . He was completely oblivious , meaning he had no idea how worried I was or that the store was up in arms looking for him . Where had he gone , by the way ? To look for Minecraft books . " But I told you not to leave that section ! " I exclaimed . " I thought the books WERE still in the toy section , " he said , maybe because sometimes Anna went to look at them . I thanked the Target team profusely , and everyone went back to their regularly scheduled Saturday morning . But I was bothered . I felt provoked . My nerves felt jittery for hours after . And after catching a glimpse , even momentarily , of what it felt like to have peace in the midst of a storm , I knew I wanted more . This is not so much a story about losing your child in Target . This is a story about working on overcoming anxiety . . . or maybe , learning how to better respond to life 's curveballs . I stepped back and realized : There were things I could have done better , but at least I was trying . Any parent would have had at least some level of freak - out . This is what we must keep doing : we must be kind to ourselves , and we must keep trying . God knows : we 're fallible ; we 're mere dust . I 'm thankful , as the verse says , that we have a high priest that sympathizes with our weaknesses , because this one 's a doozy . But I 'm not giving up . Posted by Little Victories We were having a rough morning . It all started when Ethan got extremely frustrated when we told him to turn off the WiiU the day before and lost his temper . Badly . Every time I see something like that happen , warning bells go off in my head . I think of all of the articles online that tell us that too many video games are turning our kids into monsters . Then I also think about the fact that Ethan isn 't every kid and he may need them a little more than average . Finding that middle ground is always a dance . But being out of control just can 't be acceptable , because a lost temper at age 8 can morph into something much scarier at age 16 . So Ethan knows if he has big trouble transitioning there will be consequences . The worst consequence of all , of course , is no Wii the next day - - which is exactly what had happened , and exactly why the next morning Ethan was having trouble getting out the door . " I can 't go to school . There 's nothing good about this day , " he kept telling me . He asked me if I 'd change my mind . He insisted he had to have Wii or he couldn 't get through the day . He begged , if we wouldn 't give him Wii , if we would at least tell him the screensaver password for the computer . He 's always trying to figure that out so he can sneak onto it when we 're not looking . The answer , of course , was no . The questions and demands kept coming , and we were starting to border on being late . These days Chloe and I walk Ethan down to a major intersection where Ethan crosses and heads over to the school . The process takes five minutes . If we could ever get out the door . " Ethan , you 're letting Rock Brain win , " I told him , bringing up a character he 's learned a lot about from the Social Thinking curriculum in social skills group . Part of the Social Thinking approach introduces a cast of characters ( think superheroes and villains ) called the Unthinkables that , according to Social Thinking 's website , work to " distract , disengage , and otherwise detour children in their efforts to think about others and use their sociHe turned at the last minute . " Okay , " he said slowly with a sigh . " I 'm Ethan again ! " Then he gave me a hug before he had to cross . And even though I knew we would fight these battles all over again , that we all will fight these battles again and again and again , there was no denying : that morning , we 'd had a victory . For reference , these are the original Unthinkables : Posted by The day Ethan was diagnosed with autism , I had a brief urge to - - despite her kind , warm , thoughtful demeanor - - slap the developmental pediatrician across the face . That sounds awful , I know . But until then , perhaps , I didn 't know how much of control freak I truly was . I wanted , I desperately needed to be in control , and the thing was , she wouldn 't tell me how this was all going to turn out . I wanted to know , immediately : Would he talk more ? Become conversational ? Attend regular classes in school ? Make friends ? Find a job ? Go to college ? Get married ? And of course she couldn 't tell me that . She could only speak in careful , measured terms about there being no way to know this early on what the future held , to bring him back in a year to evaluate , to get him started on therapies , and that he had some good early skills that kept him , at that time , out of the " severely autistic " category . This infuriated me . I felt as if I was being given platitudes , when as I look back seven years later I see it was simple truth . Every child is different . Every strain of autism is different . Everyone responds differently to therapy . Some kids regress and others soar ahead . She didn 't really know , and giving me any sort of detailed prediction would have been doing us all a disservice . What every parent wants when they get a special needs diagnosis for their child is to know that this is all going to somehow work out . What every parent wants is hope . I was going to title this " The Power of Hope , " but realized that wasn 't completely accurate . Yes , having no hope is a tragedy . One of the worst things you can do is rip hope away from a parent early on in a diagnosis . But blind hope in these situations can be unhelpful as well . Hope with disregard to any facts can lead to false hope and living in denial . And desperate hope can lead down the path of " I must do everything in my power to cure my child . " No . . . hope isn 't quite it . What I 've found over time ( and am learning every day , in all sorts of circumstances that have nothing to do with Ethan ) is that there is actually power in not knowing how things are going to turn out . There is power in maybe . Maybe my child isn 't a typical kid . . . but maybe he can make great strides and surprise us . Maybe my child will have trouble making friends . . . but maybe with effort we can help him learn to better relate to others and develop relationships . Maybe my child will go to college . . . maybe he 'll do something else completely amazing . Maybe he won 't amaze us but he 'll be happy , and we 'll learn more about ourselves than we ever thought possible . Maybe we 'll discover more deeply an unconditional love not based on what our child ever accomplishes or doesn 't accomplish . Maybe we 'll try this therapy or that plan and it will help . . . maybe there 's something else . Maybe there 's no one answer in this autism puzzle , but thousands upon thousands . Maybe it 's okay to admit we don 't know what 's going to happen , because really , whether our child has special needs or not , we were never fully in control anyway . What I would whisper to my self of seven years ago , sitting in the hall outside Dr . Milanese 's office as she flipped through papers and spoke in clinical terms , is to not give in to rage or desperation . By avoiding prognostication she was not playing a game or toying with me . She was admitting she is a doctor , yes , but human as well , and that autism is in no way a condition of absolutes , that it has never been I would tell parents who are new to this that , yes , unbelievably , there is power in not knowing . Not knowing relinquishes you from the weight of fixing everything . Not knowing allows you to simultaneously dream and grieve . Not knowing how this is all going to turn out forces you almost by default back into the present . The future is too murky to dabble in for long . When their child is older , when they are years into a diagnosis and therapies and school and successes and dreams still not reached , this will all become more clear . There will be a time to plan ; to fully accept . But the time is not in the doctor 's office , five minutes into this whole thing . No . That 's the time to let go . Posted by The other afternoon I looked out and saw Ethan running through our backyard with two other boys who live in neighboring houses . They were all chasing each other with giant sticks , yelling like wild men . I felt as if I was back in my childhood , back momentarily in a time when kids more readily ran through each other 's yards , stayed out until twilight , and dirtied themselves in the woods . At one point ( before my chiding ) the hose came out . Then they were apparently throwing Pokeballs at each other . This went on for what had to be close to two hours . In addition to the backyard shenanigans , Ethan has been begging me for weeks to set up playdates with two OTHER boys , close friends he 's known since preschool . Now that school has started up again he tells me the sports on the playground have , too . Some days at recess he and a small group of boys find something to play . Right now it 's football . These are the moments I can never take for granted . We all know the social piece is hard for people with autism . More than that , sometimes hanging out with other kids isn 't something a kid on the spectrum wants to do . They 're happy playing alone , and in those times it can be harder on the parents . Or worse , I think , is when a child really WANTS to play with others but doesn 't have the skills to get along appropriately without being teased or misunderstood . For a long time Ethan fell squarely in the category of not really caring about playing with other kids . While he didn 't exhibit the kinds of behaviors that really make a kid stand out , he saw no problem with just going up and down a slide over and over again . I learned you cannot make a child care about playing with other kids . Ethan , over time , learned that he really liked his two buddies from preschool . I 'm sure it helped that both are a bit unflappable and forgiving . . . happy - go - lucky types that weren 't about to throw in the towel because Ethan didn 't always want to play THEIR game . For two solid years we spent many , many afternoons on the playground after school . And somewhere along the way we realized Ethan was a more social person than we had given him credit for . He just needed time . He needed us to stop pushing . And he needed playmates ( and parents ! ) who could sometimes be as flexible as we often demanded him to be . I don 't know what friendships will look like , as he grows older . I don 't know how the social piece will pan out . I just know that right now , there is no sweeter sound than hearing a gaggle of boys yelling and laughing . I look outside and feel incredibly blessed . When we moved into this neighborhood , almost all of the houses were filled with older people . Now there are boys his age right next to us . And I think - - how blessed has he been to be placed with two awesome little guys with two wonderful families , year after year , class after class in school ? They 're not always together , but even if they are not in class , they remain close , even as thDeb When Your Kids Become Actual People I don 't write on this blog as often as I used to , and for that there are many reasons . We are no longer in the early days when things were changing so constantly for Ethan . There was always a new challenge , a new milestone , even a new therapy technique or idea . Now we 're kind of staying the course , slow and steady , and while it 's not all rainbows and butterflies , he 's certainly doing very well . For that I am very thankful . There 's always just , well , life . . . and I guess I 'd say priorities . I do my best writing in the early morning . But I like to save my devotional time for the early morning . And if I have freelance work , I often write then . Add that to the everyday business of marriage , three kids , and trying to connect with friends and fit in a few other hobbies when I can , and yeah , the blog gets pushed aside . But the biggest reason ironically is one I never considered , when I started this blog . How I wish I did . When I began writing about Ethan 's experiences almost seven years ago , I have to admit I was still very naïve about the internet , security , privacy , and sharing personal information online . Social media was just becoming a part of my life . I didn 't even get a smart phone until about three or four years ago , and that was only because my other one died . I would have done this all differently . I would have given Ethan an alias . You know , the whole " names have been changed to protect the innocent " deal . Or I wouldn 't have shared publicly . I would have kept a journal just for me , for my family , to look back at sometime down the road . I guess what happened is that I stumbled upon some other autism blogs that I found to be very moving , and helpful . And I thought - - I 'm a writer . Why don 't I blog , too ? It 'll be a great outlet . Maybe I 'll help someone else , or help someone else better understand Ethan . And as with most human endeavors , there was that mixture of pure vs . more self - seeking motives . Who doesn 't like to receive good feedback and validation ? For the longest time , IDeb The sun is setting earlier in the evenings now and the mornings have that dewy , cool , earthy smell that reminds me of a hundred early fall mornings when I tramped to school as a kid , metal lunchbox banging against my kneees . We 've gotten the school supplies and I 've broken up 3 , 742 arguments about minutiae ( " Anna is blocking the air conditioner vent ! " " Ethan is doing that weird things in his throat to irritate me ! " ) . We consumed what had to be more than 30 ice cream cones and jumped off the dock into cool Maine water twice that . We aaaahed at sunsets and slapped at mosquitoes and licked melted marshmallows from our fingers . I love , love , LOVE summer . And fall . Spring . And I even have a soft spot for winter , when it doesn 't drag on endlessly . The seasons are beautiful . It 's one of my favorite things about living in New England . The seasons set the pace of our lives ; they clearly delineate times of change . They are especially sweet because they don 't last . Summer ending , school starting , leaves every parent I know with mixed emotions . We can 't wait to usher them out the door and still want to hold them tight . I 'm no exception . Whoever said , about parenting , that the days are long but the years are short was exceptionally wise . Sometimes the only way to get through a day when the house looks as if it 's been bombed and everyone 's crying is to remember to see life not always through a microscope but rather a telescope . These " long days " with kids and scrapes and tears and homework papers seem bigger than they really are , but the days that feel so far from our grasp , the college dorms and quieter homes and little people turned actual adults are just in front of us , not galaxies removed . New is exciting . New is scary . This year Ethan is starting a new school . This is his first year as a child who is not a special education student in the school system . Anna is going into seventh grade . That is two years removed from high school . High school ! Chloe just missed the cut - off for preschool this year . But this time a year from now she could be going to school every day , too . There are days , yes , that I wish she was . Then of course , there are moments when that seems frightfully close , and I want to keep her right by my side . The littlest . Every year at this time I smile when someone on social media talks about how they can 't believe their baby is an actual preschooler , or is feeling melancholy and amazed that they have a second grader and kindergartner . And while I 'd like to think I 'm so wise , smiling to myself that their kids really are still so small and they don 't even see it , I know someone is looking at me lamenting that my oldest is in MIDDLE SCHOOL and smiling because they just sent their child off to college , or just watched them get married . The school year starts and there are times I have to fight the fear that I 'm sending my kids off to the wolves . There is so much out there ! There are moments I won 't see . There are times I can 't be there to fight every battle ; to Deb I know when it 's about to begin because I hear the rummaging in one of our toy bins . Then , often , the cardboard block towers going up . There are grunts , groans , and various other guttural sounds . And the music , of course , that sounds a little bit like a movie sound track , during the fight scene . Even Chloe knows . The other day as she came down the stairs and stopped to listen to what was happening in the playroom , she said matter - of - factly , " Ethan 's doing a battle again . " Yes , Ethan and his battles , his epic fights between little superhero figurines or whatever he finds ( this includes kitchen utensils like cheese graters or slotted spoons ) . They are the same almost every single time , and I absolutely love them . When Ethan was little , he had an extremely difficult time with pretend play . This is no surprise , as it 's often a challenge with people on the autism spectrum . But even compared to kids with autism , Ethan had very , very limited pretend play skills . We would try . I did , his therapists did , Anna did . We knew part of this was all about introducing ideas and possibilities . I 've written about this before : the way we 'd take out the farm and the animals , or build something very simple with Legos and put some people inside , or try to push around cars . He just . didn 't . like . to . play . Not in that way . Ethan loved to run and jump and climb through tunnels ; he loved music ; he enjoyed books and puzzles ; he was of course especially fond of anything with buttons or a screen . And over time I realized that while in many ways Ethan showed quite mild symptoms of autism , in these two respects : lack of play skills and an absolute inability to become interested in something that did not interest him , he was very much autistic . We made our peace with that . We had to , because there is nothing worse than trying to make a child play and making a child miserable . It 's just wrong . So while other boys his age built up huge arsenals of those Matchbox cars or trains or superhero guys with the little sets , Ethan did other things . He became Deb Last night seemed very , very long . We 've been plagued by a stretch of oppressively hot , humid weather that 's been punctuated by thunderstorms . Last night we got the worst of them so far . At first Chloe and Ethan ( who has a robust fear of lightning and particularly power outages that might affect his time on Wii ) slept through it . But when a crash shook our house I heard both of them stirring and saw Ethan cowering in bed , shielding his eyes . We 're not used to bad storms here . Dan and I have an ongoing joke that thunderstorms seem to purposely miss our part of town , so the kids haven 't had much practice coping with them . This storm was decidedly NOT passing us by . I can 't remember the last time I saw so much lightning . For a little while I just sat in the dark and watched night momentarily become day , over and over and over . Then I tried to urge them to go back to sleep . " Mommy , mommy , mommy ! " I heard from the hallway , where Chloe was standing forlornly , clutching a book . Dan caved first . " Would you like to come in our bed ? " he asked . She haphazardly climbed up next to us and sprawled out . A few minutes later Ethan was standing over us . He in particular had not liked the way thunder had crashed , then the power had gone out for a half - second before surging back on . For a while he just hung out at the foot of the bed , his head half - slumping . I could see how tired he was . " Do you want to come up ? " I asked . I knew he was especially enjoying the coolness of the room , as the kids only had a fan , not an air conditioner and most of the house felt like a sauna . He climbed to the foot of the bed . Before I knew it , he had managed to stretch out width - wise across the foot of the bed , just below our feet . He was out cold . Chloe kept twisting and turning and performing near acrobatics . Was this what this girl always did in order to fall asleep ? She kept mumbling about last week , and the thunder we 'd encountered on top of a mountain in Maine . " The thunder is going to the mountain , " she said , as it started to die down . Somehow asYes , John Denver running through my head at midnight . . . that and I kept plunging in and out of a dream that involved , for some reason , moving to Seattle . It was a fitful night 's sleep , and I wanted to be annoyed . I wanted to be annoyed because of the heat and humidity and the kids bickering all week and about rarely getting a good night 's sleep . I wanted to , but I couldn 't . I was thinking of Jacob . Jacob , my friend 's son , has been fighting a very aggressive type of brain cancer . His parents have been so strong . His fight seems to be becoming more and more difficult . His mom has been very diligent about providing many updates about what Jacob is going through on Facebook , these past four months . And I 'll always remember - - I can 't forget - - something she wrote early on , when all of this had just started . She talked about how she remembered just a little while before Jacob was diagnosed , they were having a real issue with him climbing into his parents ' bed at night . Maybe it was more than one kid ; I 'm not sure . She said they 'd really been cracking down on that , that she had been concerned about it becoming a bad habit . She was writing and looking back to the time when THAT had been her biggest concern . And she said how much she was longing to have that time back , how much she was looking forward to a time of just snuggling with her kids in bed . She reminded us to hold onto our kids , to enjoy them , to spend time with them , to remember those times that sometimes feel draining are also so precious . I was thinking of Jacob . And so I scrunched myself up to avoid falling off the bed and looked at their peaceful little selves as they slept , remembering they are fearfully and wonderfully made . I remembered that a night of thunderstorms really would be over in just a blink . And eventually , I fell asleep . Please , friends . . . pray for Jacob and his family . Posted by I need to start this post by just saying how much I love the word conundrum . Say it slowly . . . isn 't it beautiful ? ? Okay , now that I 've gotten that off my chest . . . here we are , smack dab in the middle of summer , and Ethan 's been driving me up a wall begging for a playdate with a friend from school . This in itself is awesome . He has a friend ( several , actually ) ! He misses him ! For years Ethan seemed to only tolerate kids other than Anna or his cousins . Okay , so he wants the friend to come over so they can play Wii together , but still . We 'll call him " Bob , " since that 's the random boy name Anna assigns to male creatures . Ethan 's known Bob since kindergarten . He 's attended his birthday parties . He was on Ethan 's baseball team a few times . I 've chatted with his mom , in that polite , classroom - moms - chatting sort of way . For the last weeks of school , Ethan kept asking for Bob to come over , and I kept forgetting about it . When I saw Bob 's mom at a school event I knew I HAD to get her contact information so I could set something up over the summer . She sheepishly admitted she wasn 't really a computer person and the best way to reach her was to call . She gave me a number . I made sure to enter it into my phone instead of scribbling it on a random wrapper and losing it in my purse , the way I usually do . Then we went away for two different weeks and Ethan had VBS and swimming lessons and finally this week he remembered Bob and insisted he HAD to have a playdate this week , that it wasn 't fair , that Anna had seen her friends several times this summer . I knew he was right . I said I 'd call the next day . " Why not now ? " he demanded . " It 's past nine o ' clock . I don 't like to call people much past eight . " The next morning , he bounded down the stairs at 6 a . m . and wanted to know if I 'd called yet . " You can 't call people this early . It 's not polite . " I realized we had to have a little chat about appropriate phone usage . More than that , we really need to sit down with Ethan and practice having him dial and talk on the phone . That afternoon " . . . But what about MY playdate ? " " But his mom 's not responding to my messages . What about another friend ? " " No . I only want THIS friend . " " . . . then you can 't have a playdate . " " Then it 's not fair ! " That 's the conundrum . Ahhh , how I love that word . Posted by It 's summer , it 's July , and that means as it has for the past who - know - how - many years , it 's time for the kids to take swimming lessons . Every year since both Anna and Ethan have taken lessons , it 's been the same : they never seem to have classes at the same time , so for two weeks we spend two hours at the town pool nearly every day . For the last two years , we had Chloe with us , too , of course , and those first years it was fairly easy to distract her with the playground nearby so she really didn 't notice big brother and sister were swimming . I knew this year that would NOT be the case . I knew I 'd need to sign her up for a class , too ( Parent - Tot , which goes through age 3 ) . That meant . . . sigh . . . I knew I ' D need to go to swimming lessons , too . Okay , so let 's just cut to the chase here . I 've never been one of those people to walk around in a bikini . I 've never been stunningly slim . I 've never really rocked a bathing suit , and for the most part , I haven 't really cared . But . . . yeah . The last few years I 've put on some weight . Having a baby in your late thirties will do that . Who am I kidding ? I 'm not going to blame Chloe . Loving food too much and exercise too little will do that . I KNOW I need to lose weight . I have a number of wonderful , were - overweight - but - are - now - fit friends who I know would be happy to help me . I realize this , and I realize I have to do something about my love affair with food ( darned Italian genes ! ) but that 's a story for another day . The point is , I was going to have to suit up and bring Chloe to swimming lessons . First I had to ditch my plain black , threadbare , I 'll - wear - this - boring - thing - and - try - to - be - inconspicuous bathing suit and actually get some new suits . After wildly contorting myself to squeeze into a few in a tiny dressing room with Chloe , I was happy to find two I liked , and on sale at that ! ( Sometimes I look at the price of bathing suits and want to pass out . One hundred bucks ! ? For something I 'll wear for a few months each summer ? ! Craziness ! ) . I tried to think about all of those articles that have been floating around online . Okay , I 'll be honest . I haven 't even read the articles . I 've seen so many now half the time I skim the intro and get the general point . You know what I 'm talking about ? The one about overcoming your aversion to putting on a bathing suit and putting one on so you can spend precious moments with your kids ? Or the one about not being afraid to be photographed ? Or about reaching your forties and saying , " Who cares ? ! " about so many things you used to care about ? Yeah , I tried to think about all of that . But as the week for swimming lessons drew closer I also thought about the pool . I thought about the fact that the way things were set up , if you went in to change you had to walk RIGHT PAST the gate entrance where all of the kids and parents of all ages were standing waiting for their respective lessons . And the way the Parent - Tot class was right in the shallow edge of the pool where other parents set up their chairs and look at their phones or read or possibly judge how crappy you look in a bathing suit . Did I mention I refuse to wear one of those skirty old - lady bathing suits ? To me , the only way to rock one of those is to spend more Deb I love tea , baseball , deep conversations , long drives on strange roads , curling up with a good book , and my family , of course . Autism has been a part of my life for a long time . My brother was diagnosed when we were kids . In 2009 we learned our little boy was also on the autism spectrum . This is his story . And my story . And God 's story . |
This is another one of those things I have learned about Bahrain . First , you never notice when women here are pregnant , at least not most of the time . Many women here where the abaya ( long back robe ) , and it 's very loose , so if the ladies are pregnant , you really don 't know , unless they don 't where one . Even if they don 't wear the abaya , most of the Muslim women where looser , more flowy - type clothes , so it can still be hard to tell they are pregnant until they are 8 or so months along . So , that 's one of the things about pregnancy here that is interesting . In America , you know pretty quickly when someone is pregnant , and many women usually flaunt it . So here is the other crazy thing about pregnant people . Whenever many women discover that they are pregnant ( not all women , though ) , it is pretty much like telling them they have been diagnosed with some terminal illness and that they won 't make it to see next month . When I say this , what I mean is that when the women are told , most of them immediately quit there job , and feel as though they need to be on bed rest , or something of that sort . This maybe be understandable at 8 or 9 months , but at 2 or 3 months , or any months under 8 , seems just a little silly to me . I mean , other than potential morning sickness , I don 't know what could be stopping you from working when you are 3 months along , especially at simple jobs like paper filing . Yes , I made that one up all on my own ! So , my birthday fell on a Friday this year , and it was the first birthday away from home , but I didn 't let that stop me from the fun I deserve . However , partying had to begin on a Thursday , starting at school . For once , my kids did something sweet . During homeroom , one of the girls stop me and told me to stand in front of the board . Then , she signaled for all of the other kids to stand up . She counted to 3 and they all sang happy birthday to me , twice . It was really cute and sweet , and put a smile on my face and made me laugh . Of course the rest of the day afterwards was total madness . But , my kids did enjoy the cake I brought in for the class party . The location of choice was the Intercontinental Hotel , where there is a South African band , and ladies night of course . We arrived , got ourselves a table and some cocktails , and joined in on the dancing . As the night went on , more friends joined , which made me happy , because I loved surrounding myself with my friends , and I 'm so happy that I have made such good friends since I have been here . Anyways , on top of the free drinks , there were many other awesome things that occurred during the evening . First , the band did a whole Happy birthday thing for me . They took me out of the crowd , brought me up on stage , and brought me a cake with a candle , and sang to me , and had me dance on the stage . ( I will have to get these pics from Rachel , or however took them , and then post them ) . After the cake and singing , I returned to our table to have a lovely bottle of champagne , compliments of Rachel 's friend , Tom . Around the time of the champagne consumption , our eyes seemed to have shifted to a very large display martini glass . It was about 1 . 5 - 2 ft . tall , and Rachel felt that this would be a nice addition to our apartment , and would be nice for having large drinks with crazy straws . Needless to say , this glass made it 's way back to our apartment . Continuing onward , Rachel , Alana , and I left the hotel , and went back to Alana 's house , where we hung out for a short while . At this point , I was feeling very tired , and was being convinced into staying there . However , Rachel and her boyfriend Michael rescued me , telling me that this may not have been the best place for me to be staying , especially in " my condition " . So , where was the best place for me to stay ? On a small couch at their hotel room . I woke up a bit achy from sleeping in a ball , and not to mention a headache that felt as though my head had been squashed by the wheels of a truck . Fortunately , Rachel and Mike let me into the bed where I spend a bit more time resting , before heading back to the apartment . I figured the title might be " attention grabbing " . By no means did I mean that I was stripping down to nothing ! ( it 's way too cold here right now for that ) What I meant , as you can see , was stripping my classroom down to nothing . I figured I don 't write a whole lot about school or my classroom , considering that I am teaching and all . But , this is one of those new year , new beginning type things . So , why did I remove all of the tables and chairs from the classroom ? If you haven 't seen the pictures of the room in my earlier blogs , there are 4 groups , with 2 tables together making a hexagon for each group , and 6 - 7 kids at each table . Anyways , I have been constantly telling my students about how important it is for them to keep the room clean , and how the classroom is not a garbage can . Despite my plea 's to keep the room tidy , the kids continue to leave their pencils , erasers , and other trash on the floor daily , and it 's been really getting on my nerves that the kids could be so sloppy and inconsiderate . Not to mention I have to constantly apologize to the cleaning people when they come in to clean the desks and vacuum the floor . They spend a good amount of time scrubbing the pencil and marker marks the kids put on the tables , and have to pick up big trash and vacuum the small trash which is all over the floor . Really , it 's kind of embarrassing . By the end of the week , I had been feeling completely and utterly fed up with the mess the kids were making . So , on Thursday , after the kids left , and before the cleaning people arrived , I decided to do a garbage inventory of the floor ( and mind you , that the floor wasn 't even that bad on Thursday , it 's seen far worse ) . As I counted the things I found on the floor , I wrote the list on the whiteboard . It read as follows : 12 pencils , 7 erasers , 2 bottles , 2 tissues , 3 crayons , and 37 other countable pieces of miscellaneous paper , pieces of tissue , plastic wrappers , and things of that sort , totaling about 63 things I found on the floor that should not have been there . This of course didn 't count the other items that were too small to count , such as very tiny pieces of torn up tissue crumbled into little balls and shreds , or the pencils shavings that the kids often dump on the floor . After counting the mess , the cleaning people came and did their thing . Then it was my turn to do mine , which was the stripping down part . I closed the door , blasted some screaming death metaWhen all was said and done , I was able to put half of the tables against the back wall , with all chairs underneath ( which prevents kids from trying to crawl underneath the tables ) . The remaining tables were placed throughout the room , most being used to put papers or books on . Now , there was just empty space in the middle . This was looking good , and I was feeling pretty amped about the change . So today ( Sunday ) , finally arrived . Prior to the kids coming , many teachers often come in and say good morning , and many were very shocked with my room , and asked me why I did it . But once I explained , they understood ( I think ) . Then , it was time to get the kids and bring them up . When they walked in the classroom , they were definitely shocked , and immediately were asking questions . Some had already guessed that it was because the class is so messy . Once everyone was settled , I explained to them that if they are going to make sure a mess of the room , and write all over the desks , then they will have no desks or chairs to make a mess of . And the more mess that was on the floor , the more mess they were going to have to sit on daily , and that they would have to " earn " the tables and chairs back . Well , I think that the kids might want to earn their class back , because I had many students that were uncomfortable from having to sit on the floor for so long , with out laying down or anything . Good torture if you ask me . So this was the exciting event to kick off the week . I really am hoping to see improvement in the classroom neatness , which I feel I have already seen today . Now , with no tables or chairs to block the view , it is very easy for the kids to see the mess they make , and easier for them to clean it up . Ahhhhh , brunch . What a wonderful event , and great way to start your weekend . So , 2 weekends ago , a group of us went to brunch to celebrate my roommate Rachel 's boyfriends ' ( Mike ) birthday . Although there are many hotels that host brunch in Bahrain , they chose the Movenpick hotel . The hotel is very big and very nice . We got all dressed up in dresses and heels for this occasion . Brunch cost 25BD , and is all you can eat , and all you can drink ! Now , as opposed to many brunches where the food is mediocre and there usually isn 't all you can drink ( at least not in the states at most places ) , this was an amazing brunch . There was tons of different styles and types of food to chose from , and it was all very delicious . They even had sushi and fresh sashimi ! In addition , the servers kept refilling your glass with champagne ( without you having to ask ) , and there was a mojito station , in which the bartender would put as much rum as you would like into the glass . The other interesting thing about brunch is that it lasts about 4 - 5 hours , which is much longer than U . S . brunch . And , let 's not forget that there was a band , a balloon man , an ice cream stand , and a cotton candy maker ! This brunch truly had it all . After spending about 4 and a half hours eating and drinking inside the hotel , we decided to relocate ourselves to the outside seating area near the pool , where the men were able to enjoy their cigars , and the ladies were able to smoke some sheesha . This went on until about 7pm or so , and then we once again made our way back inside to the bar lounge area , and continued to hang out and have a few beverages . Around 9 or 9 : 30pm , after being at the hotel for 9 hours , we decided it was time to go out dancing and burn off the food and drinks we just indulged in . The rest of the night was needless to say , rather interesting and strange , as I found myself towards the end of the night , with a group of people I didn 't really know . ( You may inquire further for details ) . Regardless , if you ever find yourself visiting Bahrain , I highly recommend making your way to brunch at one of the many hotels that hosts brunch . It is very much worth it . Charmaine , and many other people here always say , " you wouldn 't believe the things you see or have happen here , unless you are here experiencing it " . Let me tell you , that is the truth . There are days where I am pretty sure I am living in the twilight zone . Example : One day , I have a student come up to me with a paper in his hand . He shows me the paper , which was one that we had just completed in class , and says to me , " Miss Jamie , I found this on the floor . I don 't know whose paper it is . " I look at the paper , and yes , it has a name on it . And whose name is on the paper ? The boy who is standing there asking whose it is ! I look back at him , trying not to laugh , and say , " Well , it looks like your name is on here , so I 'm pretty sure it must be yours . " He takes the paper back , looks at it and says , " Oh , that 's my paper ! " , and goes back to his seat . This left me shocked and not fully sure of what had just happened . You see , strange things like this happen daily , and the kids really do say some " out there " things . Anyways , back to the doctors visit . So , yesterday , I had to go to the hospital . I was experiencing a flare - up in my low back , so there was a lot of pain and a really bothersome nerve . I wasn 't able to go to school because it was very painful , and trying to deal with 25 kids while being in pain is not easy . So , Charmaine came and took me to the hospital so that we could get it looked at , get me some medicine , and a doctor 's note . Just like any other hospital in the world , the wait was long . We sat for quite some time , 4 hours I believe . I must say , I do give the doctor credit for being creative in saying what the problem " could " be . This doctor seemed to think that maybe I have Arthritis in my back and hip . Yeah , way to make me feel like an old lady ! After this Arthritis assumption , the doctor sent me to x - ray so he could have a better look at my back . So , we get to x - ray , and the lady gives me a gown to change in to . At least this gown wasn 't a used gown like at the first clinic I went to . So , on the door of the changing room , and to the x - ray room , was this absolutely hysterical cartoon of a baby inside the uterus saying , " Please mum , tell them I 'm here ! " . Charmaine and I say this and were laughing so hard that we were in tears . Something about this poster really struck us funny . Moving onward . Here is one of those other twilight - zone type things about Bahrain . So , I finally get into the x - ray room , and the technician is standing inside . Now , in the U . S . , before you ever get an x - ray , the technicians MUST ask you if you are pregnant , or if there is a possibility that you are . In the States , they probably start asking this around the age of 12 , because you just never know when someone is going to be pregnant , and with many girls , it probably a possibility . This has to be asked because the x - ray can be harmful to the fetus . Now , do you think they ask you if you might be pregnant here in Bahrain ? Of course not ! Here , the only thing they ask you is , " Are you married ? " And if you say no , then apparently you automatically are not pregnant . Amazing , right ? Now , of course , I am not pregnant , but I just couldn 't believe that the people here assume that if you aren 't married , then you aren 't pregnant ! I can 't even imagine what it would be like if they assumed such a thing back at home . Obviously , lots of girls would be getting x - rays when they aren 't supposed to . I understand that the culture is totally different , and here , they REALLY don 't believe in sex before marriage , but honestly , this is 2012 , and it seems like there are more girls having babies before marriage than there are girls having babies that are married . So when all was said and done , I was finally able to leave the hospital with some Arthritis medicines and cream . I even got lucky enough to get medicine that isn 't approved by the FDA ! Scary right ? Really , if something ever happens to me here where I need serious medical attention , I 've already told my mom to have someone fly me home on a jet , because the medical practices here are just get a bit scary for me . People always say the New Year is for new beginnings . I would like to think that applies to my life and is true . I came back to Bahrain ready for a new beginning . Time to wipe the slate clean and start fresh . Although many things would not be new , I was hoping for improvements , mainly in the area of school . Of course , school would still be there and the rules would be the same , but I was very hopeful that my students would come back rested and ready for a new beginning as well . I hoped this beginning meant them behaving and sitting quietly when they 're supposed to , following directions , and just not frustrating me too much in general . Well , I must say , the first day knocked my socks off and I felt as though God had answered my prayers . The kids came back , and they actually sat quietly during lessons , and weren 't shouting in the halls , and just being good overall . This was just thrilling and I couldn 't believe it ! Well , I guess I should have gone with my gut instinct and not believed it . Like my mom always quotes , " all good things must come to an end . " After about 2 or 3 days , the kids were back to their usual selves mostly . Although I do feel that it is still a bit better than before , it is by no means perfect , or even close , but I guess that 's just asking for too much . This is the first new years since high school where I have not had to work . For once in my life , I was not stuck working at a restaurant / bar on New Year 's Eve . However , I still didn 't get to enjoy a home celebration . After flying from Pittsburgh to Chicago , I then flew from Chicago to Jordan , where I then had an 18 and a half hour layover . Due to such a long layover , I was once again put in a hotel by Royal Jordanian . And again , I stayed at the Golden Tulip . Upon arrival , I was relieved to see a sign in the lobby announcing that the hotel would be hosting a New Year 's Eve event that evening . So , I immediately bought a ticket . I figured I would much rather attend this even than sit in my room feeling lonely and sad that I 'm by myself . When I got to my room , I had to take a nap , since I had just spent a very long time traveling , and was looking pretty bad , with bloodshot eyes and washed - out skin . I woke up from the nap and got ready for the party . The event was very nice . The dining hall was decorated and held about 200 or so people . The party would include dinner buffet , a d . j . , a band , and a belly dancer . Of course , I didn 't know a single soul , but I did make my way to a table of 3 people , sat down , and introduced myself . The others at the table ( 1 girl , 2 guys ) , were there by themselves as well , so we all had that in common . Although I do not remember the names of the guys at the table , the girl I sat with was Amy , and she was very nice company for the evening . The dinner buffet was very nice , and had a big variety of food . The only part that wasn 't so good about it was that alcohol was not included , not even for a champagne toast at midnight . We enjoyed our food , and ordered drinks from the bar . The band and d . j . were pretty good too . After a while , Amy and I were ready to dance . We immediately noticed a creepy Arab man dressed up as Santa , dancing out on the floor . I felt obligated to take a photo with such a creepy character . However , this photo op caused me to be stuck with Arab Santa for much of the evening . After taking the photo , he wanted to dance with me the WHOLE night . After the midnight countdown , and some more dancing , the belly dancer came to the floor . I must say , I was very disappointed . She did not do a good job at all . There was not much enthusiasm put into her dance , and she seemed to barely move . I believe I could have done a better job . After about 3 or 4 minutes , the belly dancer left the dance floor , and began to dance around the room . During this time , Arab Santa pulled me out to the dance floor , so it was just the 2 of us dancing ! At one point he got down and stopped dancing , and wanted me to dance by myself and belly dance in front of the entire crowd of 200 people . Now , although I am not a shy person , this was a bit too intimidating for me to be put on the spot like this , so I told him to get up and dance with me , until I could dance my way off the dance floor . I don 't like bFinally , around 3am the party came to a close . I was exhausted and so ready to sleep . I said my goodbyes to the table and Amy , and headed to sleep . There 's no place like home ! Coming home for the holiday 's had been something I had been anticipation for quite some time . Although Bahrain is warm and sunny , I was ready to take on the cold winter climates just to come and see the people that I had been missing dearly . I left Bahrain on a Thursday evening , after school . I felt like the school day couldn 't happen fast enough , and I was so antsy to get going . When the day finally ended , I couldn 't help but have a massive smile on my face . Getting to the place I call home was the challenge . My trip began by me flying from Bahrain into Jordan , where I had to stay overnight due to my 11 hour layover . Fortunately , Royal Jordanian put me in a hotel for the night , at the Golden Tulip . I got some rest , and was ready bright and early to get on the plane to fly into Chicago . Now , going to Chicago is where the painful part of the travel home was . We boarded the plane a bit later than expected . Then , because they had to wait for people who were in transit from other flights , we had to just sit on the plane and wait for an hour before the other passengers arrived . The flight was already a 14 hour flight , and now it was 15 hours I would have to actually sit on this plane . When we finally took off , I was happy we were in motion , but not happy about the delay . The flight was full , so I was stuck in the same seat the whole time . As you can imagine , 15 hours in the same spot is a real challenge . I was very uncomfortable and my butt and legs and back were killing me from sitting , even though I was getting up to stretch and move around . When we began the descent into Chicago , I could feel myself getting happier by the second . I had a 4 hour layover , so I grabbed some soup and stopped at a bar while I waited . When the time to go to Pittsburgh came , I felt like singing and dancing though the airport , knowing that home was only and hour and a half away . This was my long journey to the wonderful city of Pittsburgh . Driving home from the airport , and coming through the tunnels to see the city was so amazing . Even though it was a cold and cloudy night , the city was still equally magnificent . Everything felt surreal , like a dream . My time home was so full of many emotions . It had its moments of happiness , and sadness as well . Smiles and frowns , heartbreak and joy . So many things were the same as when I left , and yet things were different as well . I had so many mixed emotions , and felt ways that I hadn 't even anticipated . Nonetheless , I got to come home to the people and places I know and love dearly . I got to see so many friends and family . I loved being able to share my crazy Bahrain stories with everyone , and watch their expressions and see them laugh . Having people laugh at me and my stories is by far one of my favorite things . I really do love to entertain . And its funny , because most of the stories I tell are ones that were not funny when they happened , so I 'm glad that I can look back and laugh . The holiday break ended so quickly . Time always flies when your having fun . It was painful to leave everyone behind , again . Fortunately , I had been preparing for leaving again for a long time , so it made it a little easier since I was ready for it . My parents made it through saying goodbye without crying ( at least not in front of me ) , and of course my brothers didn 't cry ( they never do ) . I even made it most of the time without crying , until I was on the plane in Chicago , getting ready to take off for Jordan . That 's when the emotions began to build up inside . I actually had tears pouring down my face while I was on the airplane waiting for takeoff . The lady across the aisle was staring at me like I was crazy . Finally , after about 20 minutes , I pulled it together and got a hold of myself . I remembered that although I was sad about leaving the States , I have some amazing friends in Bahrain who will be just as happy to see me as I am happy to see them . Here is a little bit about me if you don 't know me , or don 't know me that well . My name is Jamie , and since September 2 , 2011 , I have been living in Bahrain . I came here to teach English at an international , bilingual school , where I will be teaching 1st grade . This is my first time living outside of the U . S . , and so far from everything and everyone I know . I created this blog so my friends and family can keep updated with my life , and so that other 's can learn a little about what it is like to live in Bahrain . I want people to hear about life here through some means other than the news . Hopefully everyone enjoys ! |
Yesterday morning I went to get my bottom braces . The first thing he did was smooth out that band that was slicing my tongue to pieces . A nice gesture , but a week late . Apparently the dentist that put that crown on did not shape it correctly . It is not shaped anatomically correct which means a band does not fit around it . It is very frustrating for everyone . I left there today without a band . He put a spacer back in on side of the tooth and a piece of brass wire wrapped around on the other side . I 'm really not sure how this is going to help because he said that space wasn 't the issue . The issue is the shape of that crown . Not a huge difference . I 'm not sure Andrew would not have noticed if I hadn 't pointed it out . But it still bothers me enough that I requested my next appointment as soon as possible so that I can change the bottom ones to match the top . Also it is just uncomfortable and slightly painful to have your mouth stretched open beyond its limit for a solid hour . But my bottom teeth is where I needed the most work done . They are the teeth that are crowded which is definitely accentuated by my bottom brackets . They are right on top of each other . Sometimes it feels like I 've had them forever , yet it hasn 't even been a month . One thing is for sure . I 'm ready for my husband to start this process . His extraction will take place in less than a month . A week after that he will get his braces . I 'm glad we are doing this together . I think it will make it a little more bearable . 1 . Eating with braces is pretty much the most disgusting thing ever . EVERYTHING seems to get trapped somewhere in the braces . 2 . It may just be me but I find myself to be more self - conscious about my braces around my family . I haven 't even thought about them when facing my husband , students , or co - workers . But in the past few days I 've been around family for the first time since getting braces . I found myself wanting to hold back laughs and say very little . I didn 't want them to see my braces or my gaps . 4 . Since starting the conversation about getting braces I find that I notice people 's teeth a lot more . It has become the first thing I notice about people - not just strangers but everyone . Next weekend we are having a yard sale . When we moved into our house we acquired A LOT of stuff . As we were unpacking and organizing I was sorting and pricing items for this yard sale . Most everything is priced and ready to go . However , I still need to go through our clothes and a few other things . My goal is to get rid of A LOT of stuff and maybe even make a little money . I have my bracket all filled out and I am enjoying March Madness . I 'm excited about our little family competition especially since there are more family members joining in on the fun this year . To make it even better I 'm not the only girl this year . I have a feeling the boys , who actually know what they are doing , have a good laugh whenever they look at my bracket and who I have winning it all . Maybe I 'll get lucky . { four } I had my second orthodontist appointment this morning where I received three out of my four bands , my top wire , and top power chain . Sadly , I didn 't have my trusty photographer with me today to take pictures of the whole process . Thankfully Dr . Lay gave me a mirror so I could watch what was happening . But since I don 't have pictures , I thought I 'd share my video of how the appointment went . And though I 'm pretty sure I haven 't had the pain that most people have thanks to my extractions and the fact that those teeth have space to move into , they haven 't exactly been enjoyable . It has been excruciatingly painful to chew on those back teeth the past couple of days . I assume that is because the spacers are doing their job . I 'm ready to have them removed tomorrow morning even though it means a new kind of pain with the bands and wires that I will receive . On a more fun note my sweet concert - loving husband bought us tickets to see James Taylor this summer . I can 't wait . We saw him a few years ago and it was an amazing show . The concert is the night before we leave for vacation so it will be a great way to kick off a week of relaxation and fun in the sun . Today is Selection Sunday . I have filled out my bracket and am now waiting not so patiently for other family members to complete theirs and for games to begin . I feel like my bracket is ridiculous which is ridiculous because I have no idea what I 'm doing . It 's fun though . My goal is always to not come in last place and to beat Andrew . { four } They make homemade cheese dip and guacamole . Andrew declared their guacamole the best in town . The food was delicious and the service was incredibly friendly . We will definitely be eating there again and probably in the near future . Friday morning I drug out some of my spring clothes in search of my Pi Day shirt . It made me ready for skirts and flowery prints . Don 't get me wrong . I love my boots and my scarves , but I 'm over them . I 'm ready for beautiful spring weather that last longer than a day or two . Posted by Today was the first of what will be many orthodontist appointments . I was actually looking forward to this appointment . See . No shirt clenching . Nice and relaxed . The extractions are over . I 'm thinking that was hard part . Now that it is over I 'm ready to get the braces on and start closing these gaps . Unfortunately Dr . Lay said that closing those gaps was one of the last steps of this long journey . The first step today was learning about all the things I can 't eat . Being a picky eater has never come so in handy before . There wasn 't anything on the list today that I 'm sad about not eating . Then the assistant cleaned my teeth and they pried my mouth open with this crazy blue contraption . You see a few of my brackets in this picture . Dr . Lay glued all the top ones on today . They use this blue light to seal them in place . The last part of the appointment was a tiny bit painful . The assistant put four spacers in on bottom and four on top . They really weren 't too bad except one of the top ones hurt when she put it in . It is basically like a rubber band that goes between my teeth . It was a quick and easy appointment . I will go back on Monday to get my wire and bands on the top brackets . My students are most excited about this . This is the part where I get to pick a color . They all have opinion on what color I should get . I 'm torn between something less obvious like silver or a fun color . I will also have my spacers removed at this appointment . Then I will have my third appointment the last Friday of this month . That is when they will put my bottom brackets and wires on . Then I will be set for awhile . Posted by 1 . I was finally able to go back to work . Between field trips , snow weeks , and pain meds making me sick it has been TEN days since I 've been in my classroom . I have definitely missed those sweet kiddos . 2 . My 6th graders began studying integers and coordinate planes today . NO MORE FRACTIONS ! ! We may have stopped to do a happy dance today . 3 . My teeth aren 't quite as sore anymore and I was able to eat a donut using my back teeth . Victory for me ! ! 4 . Because of my teeth not being sore anymore I was able to have chicken for dinner ! Enough said ! 6 . The LBs thought so too . They did not want to come in when I got home today despite the fact that they had been outside all day . We opened the windows and they watched and waited patiently for Andrew to get home from work . Posted by I woke up this morning after a good night 's sleep . I was pleasantly surprised at just how well I slept . I was even able to sleep on my side which helped . I got out of bed and begin to get ready for the day . I was able to get jeans out of the closet and walk into the kitchen before I got sick . I felt very nauseous . I got back in bed and let the feeling pass . At that point it was time to take more pain meds so I go back up and went back to the kitchen . It was at that point I realized I wasn 't going to be able to go to work today . I was really bummed . Today was the first day school was in session this week and I couldn 't go . I wasn 't in any pain , but the meds were making me sick . Andrew worked in LR today so I was home alone all day . He brought me breakfast before he left . I managed to eat a piece of toast and eat a tiny bit of milkshake from Sonic . It took me thirty minutes to eat the piece of toast . I still can 't really chew in the back of my mouth so I was tearing it into tiny pieces . I was having to force myself to eat because I was feeling sick the entire time . I have pretty much slept all day . Every time I was awake and tried sitting up I felt sick . This girl has been right by my side all day . She can tell I haven 't felt well . Andrew text me this morning to see how I was feeling . I told him I was just trying not to throw up . Even though I felt like I would feel better if I did , I was scared of unlodging a blood clot and getting a dry socket . We decided I would skip my next round of pain meds and see what happened . I woke up around four this afternoon feeling much better . I still don 't feel great , but now it is more of a weak from hunger kind of bad . Eating is a chore . I tried to eat more mashed potatoes earlier for lunch but it just wasn 't happening . I thought maybe I could eat some chicken nuggets and french fries tonight . It just sounded good . I managed to eat 2 nuggets and 4 or 5 fries . Eating is a lot of work right now . More trouble than it is worth it seems . I probably could have eaten more but I kept feeling like food was getting stuck in those holes and it was grossing me out . Several people sent me text messages today checking on me . Thank you all for those . On a completely different note , today is my sweet niece 's second birthday . Before I end this post I want to ask you to join me in prayer . This morning one of my school 's buses was rear - ended by a van . Our bus driver and students were not harmed thankfully , but one of the people in the van didn 't make it . I don 't really know any more details than that . You can read the news story here . This story breaks my heart . Please join me in prayer for our students and bus driver , but especially for the family members of the people in the van . Posted by My sweet and amazingly talented friend Miranda gave my blog a makeover . I absolutely love how it turned out ! She captured my vision perfectly . Simple and feminine . I can 't say enough good things about her and the work she does . It was a great surprise to come home from extractions to discover she had installed everything . Extractions . Glad those are over . I slept really well last night which was a complete answer to prayer . I woke up this morning feeling pretty good about everything . I went through my normal routine of having toast followed by my quiet time . My quiet time was an exceptionally sweet time this morning . God knew I needed to feel his sweet spirit surrounding me this morning . I showered and got ready for the day and then sat down to eat again . I wasn 't sure if I would feel like eating at all for the rest of the day so I wanted to eat while I could . So yes I enjoyed pizza at 10AM . The thought of trying to eat later scares me a little . The thought of removing my gauze later scares me . Right now I can 't tell that there are teeth missing because I have a mouth full of gauze . After I ate I took my anxiety pills and tried to read a little bit in my book . Anything to take my mind off things . When I couldn 't stand it any longer I went into Andrew 's office and asked if we could go . I was ready to get it all over with . I think I 'm hiding how terrified I am pretty well in this picture . You would never know I was just crying . Plus can I just say good hair day ! It 's the little things . Everyone in the office knew how nervous I was about today . They were so incredibly sweet from the moment I walked in the door . I could not ask for a better dentist and staff . They asked if I thought the anxiety meds were helping and I when I said no I was still incredibly nervous they immediately made the decision to give me the gas as well . I was so incredibly thankful for that . It helped put me to ease . I asked Andrew to come back with me . He didn 't really want to watch the procedure since he is having a tooth pulled next month . I can 't say that I blame him . I wouldn 't want to watch it either . I asked him to come back long enough to be with me while they numbed me up . I needed him to document the process . He ended up staying the entire time . I can 't even tell you how thankful I was to have him there . He and Dr . Arnett talked about their boats while we waited on me to become completely numb . It was a nice distraction . That 's actually how we came to choose Dr . Arnett as our new dentist when we moved . He and his family have a boat just a few slips down from ours . My brother had a tooth pulled several years ago . He told me that for him the worst part was the sound . Because of that I had myself all worked up over the sound . I was probably more worried about that than anything else . It didn 't help when Dr . Arnett told me I would feel a lot of pressure and hear a lot of noises . He started with the top right tooth . He wasn 't joking about that pressure . It felt like he was trying to relocate my skull . I may have moaned a little at the pressure . But Dr Arnett , his assistant , and Andrew kept assuring me that I was doing a good job . I 'm a shirt clincher . I love that Andrew captured this picture . I do this even when I 'm just having my teeth cleaned . Andrew said he also noticed that I would draw my feet up and kind of curl my toes when the pressure was the strongest . The top teeth were the hardest to get out . Those are the two where I heard a noise . It sounded like he was cracking my teeth . The top ones have two roots instead of one like the bottom . When he pulled the top ones out one of the roots came out with the tooth , but the other broke off and stayed in the bone . They had to take the drill and drill out the bone to pull out the root . Apparently the cracking sound was the tooth breaking off the root . I wish he would have told me when the first tooth was out . I thought I knew but it was hard to tell . I had no idea what he was doing with the drill at the time . I 've had so many cavities filled that that part didn 't bother me . I also kind of wish I could have kept my teeth . I 'm sure they would have let me , but I didn 't think about it before and I couldn 't really talk afterwards . Twice during the process his assistant squirted water in my mouth and told me to swish it around . I have no idea how to do that when your mouth is completely numb . I 've never had work done on both sides of my mouth where everything was numb before . They would tell me to bite down or open and close my mouth . I had no idea if I was doing what they asked or not . At one point I reached up to touch my mouth to see if my lips were closed or open . I couldn 't tell . I 'm going to have to send them a thank you card . I felt bad at the end because I wanted to smile at them and say thank you , but I couldn 't do either . They are such a phenomenal staff . Andrew brought me home and helped me into bed before going to pick up my pain meds . Taking pain meds wasn 't easy . I have to really work to swallow and I have never taken pills very well anyway . Andrew broke it in half for me and I attempted to take a drink of water . The second half took some work to get down , but I knew I needed to take them . Overall it wasn 't too bad and I 'm certain that is because I was being covered in prayer by family and friends . Thank you everyone for the prayers and the encouragement . I loved receiving this text right before Dr . Arnett started working . I 'm currently laying in bed resting and watching Friends . The perfect way to heal . Ready for healing to take place and braces to go on and start to close up these gaps . Speaking of tomorrow - I think we might actually get to go back to school tomorrow . A little nervous about that . I have lesson plans made that won 't require much from me so I 'm hoping I will make it through the day okay . Oh one other thing . I can 't use mouth wash for the next two or three days and I 'm not supposed to brush anywhere near those gaps . So if you see me and I have bad breath , I apologize in advance . I 'm going to do the best I can . Posted by I will be having four teeth extracted . I 'm scared . Yet at the same time I feel like I 'm making it a bigger deal than it really is . I love my dentist and know he will take good care of me . I plan to take an anxiety pill before my appointment . I 've never taken anything like that before . I 'm hoping it will help me relax . I 'm documenting this journey through adult braces in every way possible . I 'm posting pictures on Instagram , I 'm blogging about it , and I 'm even keeping a video diary . My first video is up on Youtube now . Somehow documenting everything with the hope that it will help someone else with the decision to get adult braces helps make everything a little easier . Today is the last day I will have this smile and all of these teeth . Tomorrow I lose the fourth tooth from the front on both sides top and bottom . ( Disclaimer : I was wearing a hat . They made me take it off ) It 's another snow / ice day at the Weaver house . All four of are still laying in bed at almost 9 : 30 . I 'll have to get up soon and let the LBs out but right now I 'm enjoying the warm comfort of my bed . Andrew has been sick since yesterday . I 'm thankful the weather will keep him at home today so that he can continue to rest and get better . I 'm not nearly as good of a nurse as he is . Apparently there is a virus going around disguising itself as the flu . Not fun ! Laundry is piled high and will easily keep me busy for most of the day . But in between those loads of laundry I hope to get a little crafting in . I bought stuff to make a spring wreath for our front door Saturday . I would like to get that made and do a little organizing in my scrapbook room . Of course there are also lesson plans to be made and papers to be graded . It 's the never ending story of a teacher . I 've also started to think about next school year and how I will decorate my classroom . I 'm saying goodbye to the owls and moving on to something else . I 'm just not sure what yet . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Continued at 5 : 30 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - It 's been a great snow day . Andrew is feeling much better . Whatever this virus is it doesn 't seem to last long . For that we are thankful . I just got the call that tomorrow is another snow day . Posted by Tuesday night I went to Zumba for the first time in about a month . I love it but man is it hard after you 've been out for awhile . We did so many squats I thought I might die . Thankfully I had a sweet friend there suffering with me . That always makes it a little easier . It must have been too much for my body to handle because I ended up sick Wednesday . I woke up not feeling to great that morning but went to work because I had meetings for half the day Around 9 : 30 though things took a turn for the worse . I had a fever and was feeling dizzy . I ended up going home at lunch and skipping my meetings . I had sent Andrew a text telling him I felt horrible and was coming home . When I got home he had made me some sweet tea and had the bedroom all ready for me to sleep off this sickness . It was so sweet . He went and picked up lunch for me and gave me some NyQuil . Then I was gone . I slept for most of the night , but I woke up feeling much better . Thursday night brought talk of a beach vacation with the entire Weaver family . The timing of the trip isn 't exactly the most convenient for us since I 'm a teacher , but I was able to get permission from my principal to miss Open House . I 'm going to have to make up some workshops and have my classroom ready a week early but our beach vacation is booked . . . . with the ENTIRE Weaver clan . We can 't wait to spend a week in the sun with family . I helped take our Elementary Quiz Bowl team to the regional tournament Friday . They didn 't walk away with a trophy , but they played hard and had fun . We ended the trip with a visit to GiGi 's Cupcakes . A first for me . Yesterday we bought a new chair for the chimney bedroom upstairs . I love it ! It makes me want a new bedspread for that room though . I also got a sneak peak at my new blog design this weekend . It is almost finished . I can not wait to share it with you . I 'm loving it ! Miranda is incredibly talented and great to work with . Posted by |
Dear Santa , Is there something in between Valentine 's and St . Patrick 's Day ? Do you think the Tooth Fairy could squeeze us in ? We were upstairs doing laundry this morning and the twins went downstairs to look for a certain toy . When they didn 't come back I went to check on them . Camden had been up in the pantry again . She had already fallen from the top earlier in the day . She is one determined kid ! This time I found a bag of almonds and a bag of chocolate covered toffee baking bits spread all over the table and scattered across the floor . What am I going to do ? Dear Santa , Please hurry ! I 'm not sure I can wait for the Easter Bunny . Do you think the Leprechauns can squeeze me in ? This afternoon I was upstairs for about 10 minutes getting things ready to leave the house to pick up the older kids from school . When I came downstairs I entered a disaster zone . The twins had been in the cupboards again . This time I said good - bye to my Dill Seed , Cayenne Pepper , Montreal Steak Seasoning , and Bay Leaves . Along with that they dumped out a box of matches ( a BIG box . Good thing they don 't know what to do with them ) that the dog was trying to eat , all the brown paper sacks for the big girls ' lunches , a box of disposable bibs , and they both had butter knives and were trying to cut open pieces of cornbread . Is nothing safe in this house ? Dear Santa , I know it 's early in the year , but I wanted to make sure I got my request in . You see , Camden got into the medicine cupboard again yesterday and ate a bunch of Sucrets . I really need some more magnetic locks for my cupboards . Not everything in there is in a child proof container . I shudder to think about her eating birth control pills or something else that looks like candy . I 'm sure it won 't be long before she can open those too . Plus , I 'm loosing spices left and right ! I had to move my knives off the counter months ago to keep them out of the twins ' reach . Today I found Cadi pulling them out of the cupboard . Since we don 't believe in human sacrifice in this house I really need those locks ! I could also really use some more door knob covers . They climbed into the linen closet in my bathroom yesterday and got into my make - up . Let me tell you lipstick does not equal chap stick . I have the baby 's door , and the front door covered , but now they can open the door leading into the garage and Cadence can reach the garage door opener , and Camden has figured out how to get into the van and use the opener in the car . I really hate to think of them getting out into the road without me knowing . The street on the north side or our house is kind of busy . It 's a bus route for the schools . My pantry has also become fair game as of late . Camden climbs up and up until she finds something she wants . The latest conquest was the cereal . Also , if you can figure a way for me to be able to lock the back sliding door that would be great ! When it 's wet and muddy , or snowy outside I can 't seem to keep them in the house . In addition , I need another gate for the laundry room . Wrigley will be crawling soon and I need to keep her out of the dog food . That or a dog door big enough for the dog , but too small for the baby . That might be hard because I think they 're about the same size . An additional gate for the top of the stairs would be appreciated ! I finally noticed that the water / ice dispenser in my freezer door has locking capabilitiesPosted by Camden and Cadence 's latest interest has been my spice cupboard . Only now they 're being a little more stealthy in their mischief . Earlier this week I walked into my living room and found sesame seeds sprinkled all over the floor . The whole bottle was empty . Another day I went upstairs just long enough to get some wipes . Upon my return the twins were dumping the cinnamon and sugar all over the counter . Yup . They emptied it . The next day Chloe walked in on Cadi pouring the salt on the living room floor . I was so excited . Inbetween all this they went outside to jump on the trampoline while I did dishes . When I checked on them I discovered their clothes and diapers at the base of the slide . They were jumping commando ! I 'm sure all the neighbors got a kick out of it . I took pictures , but decided against posting them because this is still a public site and a ) I don 't want the porn czar tracking me down and b ) I don 't want any sick - o 's out there flagging my blog and oogeling my girls perhaps tracking down where I live . Call me crazy . What will they dish out next ? The twins were busy last night . It made me have to concentrate really hard on why I 'm trying to limit their television viewing pleasure ( Cadi constantly reminds me , " You rude , Mommy ! You mean ! " ) . After I pulled them out of the laundry room for unauthorized spelunking , it was time for me to take the baby upstairs for her evening catnap . I wasn 't gone long . I 'm slowly learning that un - mesmorized twins should not be left unsupervised for any length of time . I returned to the kitchen quickly , but didn 't see the twins . I could hear them , but they were not in my immediate line of sight . A little probing revealed their hideout , and their mess . They were hiding under the counter , behind the bar chairs with a now unwrapped box of butter . I had left butter on the counter to soften for my first attempt at honey butter ( YUM , by the way ) . Now it was in the grasp of grubby little hands , being gnawed on by tiny teeth , and the dog trying to get his licks in as well . It was a whole pound of sweet cream ! The wrappers , licked clean by the dog , were spread all about , giving the floors a new sheen . Blah . What a mess . It made for some fun pictures . Unfortunately I think the twins are starting to do naughty things just so I 'll take pictures of them ! After I cleaned up this mess , Camden climbed to the top of the pantry and found a chocolate bar while I was showing Cadi some pictures . We have tall ceilings . She could get hurt . One of these days I 'll catch her in the act with my camera in hand so I have proof of her monkey - ing . I 've discovered in my attempts to limit the amount of television my children watch , that if their brains are not glued to flashing colorful images projected on the screen then they must find something else to occupy their cerebral activities . While this is in fact the point of restricting the amount of face time the kids get with our electronic baby - sitter , " creativity " does not always have the grandest of results . Thomas Edison had what , 1000 attempts at the light bulb before it worked ? Anyhoo . . . while making dinner this evening the twins were finding ways to occupy their time . When Cadi wasn 't screaming at me for something to eat they actually seemed to be having fun . At one point they were spiders crawling on the ground . Another time they had pop - beads on their fingers and they were monsters trying to eat me ( that was great fun until one of them actually bit me on the bum ) . I was thinking , " This is great ! Terrific to see them interacting and playing make believe . This is why I turned the TV off . " While searching cookbooks for a honey butter recipe ( Alton Brown has one that is delicious on foodnetwork . com ) the twins wandered into the laundry room just off the kitchen . They often do so I didn 't think anything of it . After a few minutes it got quiet and their voices seems far away or muffled . I thought maybe they 'd gone into the bathroom , so I went to fetch them out . Upon entering the laundry room I saw Cadence , but no Cami . " Where 's Camden , " I asked ? I 'd never have guessed where I found her . Who climbs in the washer ? And who shuts the door on someone who climbs in the washer ! I know we bought a large capacity washing machine , but really . Really ? My first instinct was to get her out of there as quickly as possible . As she was first climbing out I thought , " Where 's my camera ? " So I had her stay in for a moment while I found my tool of photographic evidence . We closed the door and I had Cadi reenact the moment of discovery , all the while reinforcing the idea that we don 't hide in the washing machine . It 's not safe . YPosted by Last night I left the baby sitting in her room while I went to get her bath ready . When I went back to get her this is the scene I happened upon : Powder was everywhere ! The floor , the baby , the rocking chair , toys , in Camden 's hair . . . EVERYWHERE ! It was a new bottle too . I was not happy . Fortunately my sweet 9 year old was there to help clean up the mess while I bathed the baby . I didn 't get a picture , but imagine my surprise when I went back to the bathroom to turn the water off and found Cadi standing in the now half full tub in her jammies and snow boots that were now full of water . Good grief ! Posted by I may have to start a new series just for Camden . She 's starting to create stories , like this one , without her accomplice . Yesterday while I was wasting away on the computer and Stuart was sitting on the sofa doing something or other Camden found a new place to explore . She got into our bathroom and climbed the shelves to the top of the linen closet where she found a bottle of Gentian Violet . What 's that you say ? If you or your nursing baby has ever had thrush you may be familiar with it . Long story short its a dye that kills yeast . The older girls discovered her with now purple hands . Fortunately the house was spared except for a small dot at the top of the stairs . Hardly noticeable . Unfortunately the big girls wanted to be helpful and tried to clean up the mess while we washed Camden 's hands . The tiny purple dot quickly became a large mass of shocking violet that will require us to re carpet our house if we ever want to sell it . I guess I can count myself lucky that we made it 4 . 5 years without much for the carpet to complain about . February 3 , 2009 Another title for this one could be " Camden Flies Solo " because Cadence had nothing to do with it . A couple days ago I was upstairs getting dressed when Camden came into our room showing Stuart her hands that were now covered in black paint . When we asked her what she painted she said , " It 's on Shocker , on the black . " Huh ? Shocker is a white dog with large black spots on his back . So I went downstairs to find the dog sitting by the front door . He didn 't look like he had paint on him , but closer examination revealed that what Camden said was true . There were globs of paint on his black spots . Since he 'd been scratching it , the paint was also on his paws . There was a trail of puppy prints from the front door to the back . Fortunately I don 't have a lot of carpet on the main floor of my house , so it was easily cleaned up , but there was nothing that could be done about the curtains the dog had brushed up against , or the rug by the front door . I don 't feel too bad about the mat , but oh ! my beautiful curtains ! I would like it noted that I was not on the computer at the time of this happening . I decided that Shocker was the priority in the disaster clean up to prevent more messes from occurring . This necessitated a bath . I hauled the dog to the basement , where I got a good soak as well . My sweet husband , got up off his sick bed and took care of Camden and the floor . I have to say that even though this came at a less than opportune time ( baby was hungry ) , I kept my cool , and for that I 'm proud of myself . Now if I can just find a safe place for everything . . . At what point does one start to like their children ? I know everyone LOVES their children . It 's what keeps them alive . That or the fear of the person in the cell next to you . I want to know when you start to LIKE your children . When you LIKE someone you want to be around them . When does that happen , because today I am not feelin ' it . My twins were sitting up to the counter eating the lunch I had just prepared for them when I sat down to read the news ( via Yahoo ! of course , because everything happens when I 'm on the computer ) . After a few minutes I noticed them run off to the front living room . I finished the article I was reading and decided to check on them . What did I find ? Desitin covered hands caressing the fabric of my formal living room sofa ! It was caked on everywhere , complimenting the blue ink treasure map they left me last week . I was so mad . I popped one of them on the head with the now less than full tube . What is it with desitin ? Neither of my older girls did this . I grabbed them and took them upstairs to the bathroom to wash their hands . Of course while washing the second pair of hands the clean pair found a bottle of soap and smeared it all over herself . Back to the sink for Thing One . As punishment I had them sit on their beds in for a time out while I went off to clean the sofa . BIG mistake . Not five minutes of scrubbing had gone by when I heard water running in the tub . I laid down my rag to check it out . Two year - olds in a bathroom by themselves is never a good thing . I discovered naked twins standing in the tub and poop smeared all over the side of the tub ! One had taken a messy diaper off , mashed the cow pile into the carpet of their bedroom and they both decided it was time for a bath . I pulled them out and took them back to the bedroom for re diapering , clothing and a good angry tongue lashing . Once the twins were clean and dressed I abandoned the creamy couch cushions for poopy cut pile nylon . I think everyone can agree that human excrement trumps zinc oxide when prioritizing . I scooped and sPosted by I should be grounded from the computer . I really should . Everything happens when I 'm on the computer or feeding the baby . Since I can 't really do anything about feeding the baby , I should rid myself from some of the mischeif by giving up the computer . Given that I have no self control whatsoever , that is unlikely to happen ( maybe I should block my husband from seeing this before he gets any ideas ) . Yesterday afternoon I was happily chatting away with a friend , via facebook of course , about her current love interest , totally oblivious to the world around me . During my present yet absent state the twins raided the pantry . They ate gobs of candy . In fact I found Camden eating a sucker at the same time a big wad of taffy was happily stuck to the roof of her mouth . And even though the sugar rush was a bit annoying , it was nothing compared the other booty they snagged : Instant Cream of Wheat . Omigosh ! Not very many people even like the stuff . They had torn open several packets and scattered their contents all over the kitchen . That would have been messy enough , but easily swept up , but that would be too easy . They moved on in their voyage to the family room carpet and the sofa , with the dog following behind doing his best to lick it up . You 'd think that having a dog would be a good thing at this point . Let me tell you something else , Cream of Wheat + dog spit = super glue . I scrubbed and scraped as best I could . I was a laborious task . Cream of Wheat does not vacuum well either . I tried the various vacuums that I have sitting around my house . None of which had enough suction ( do Dysons really work ? ) to get the dry stuff out of the carpet and off my sofa . All of which just blew it around more . With a full arsenal of cleaning supplies and the twins in the brigg , I eventually got it cleaned up only to find that they 'd also come across a pen in the pantry and left me a " map " for their next adventure all over my yellow sofa in the formal living room while being detained ! I think I 'm going to have to hitch a ride on the next sPosted by I tried to change things a little today . I tried to keep the kids near me while doing the chores , but folding laundry and watching the finale of " The Biggest Looser " via the DVR can only hold a two year - old 's interest so long . They wandered off to bigger and better things . After a short while I noticed that it was awfully quiet . I went off to check on the only to discover that while I was being inspired to throw away the cookies leftover from Chloe 's Christmas party at the dance studio , they had climbed up to the medicine cupboard , had pulled out a number of pill bottles ( thank heavens for child proof caps ) , liquid band - aid , the dog 's heart worm " treats " , a bottle of hand sanitizer , the contents of which was now all over the counters , and they were sitting in it painting their toes with sparkly nail polish . As far as messes go it wasn 't so bad , at least my counters and their backsides were now 99 . 99 % germ free , however it was enough that my resolve to be sugar free quickly crumbled . Waste or waist right ? I cleaned up the mess and sent them on their way with a stern warning not to get in the cupboards again ( did I really think that would work ? ) . By now it was time to feed the baby . I even tried taking the twins with me , giving them little tasks to keep them otherwise occupied , but how much can you really control when you 're a dairy cow ? They left again after not too long . Once I finished I hurried to check on the little devils . Cadi had occupied herself with cartoons ( not the best way to occupy one 's brain , but safe , and clean ) , but Camden had gotten into the medicine cupboard again ! No nail polish this time . This time she found the one pill bottle that doesn 't have a child proof cap on it ( your Echinacea is looking less and less appealing , hon . ) Fortunately it was yucky and she spit little pieces all over the counter . I don 't think she ate any . She says she didn 't . Good grief ! Santa , I need another set of locks for the upper cabinets ! December 17 , 2008 My big girls share a room , so do my little girls . The only one who doesn 't share a room is the baby ( lucky girl ) . So what happens when the room that already offers little or no privacy is invaded by the girls across the hall ? I was happily exploring the blogosphere this evening while my husband was getting his Monday evening dose of pigskin when a naked twin appeared at the bottom of the stairs . " Where are your clothes ? " I should have known better . It had been quiet for sometime ( except for the TV , and the " I hate math ! " coming from the kitchen . That 's pretty good in our house ) . These things almost always happen during moments of lazy parenting ( although I justify it because I got a GREAT idea for Webelos while surfing ) . You 'd think I 'd clue in . After a few queries and some exploration I discovered that Camden and Cadence had unleashed their curiosity on the big girls ' room . They dumped the contents of Madilyn 's piggy bank all over the floor . They scaled the bunk beds and retrieved Chloe 's deoderant , digging their little nails into it and leaving balls of invisible solid scattered amongst the carpet threads , leaving my nylon broadloom with a glossy white coating and an overwhelming scent of " Afrikan Violet " . Next I remind you of the fact that the little girls had been running around in the buff , their clothes and diapers strewn about the room . They 're not potty trained by the way ( duh , I just mentioned their diapers . Whoops ! ) so that means the pee went somewhere else . Namely the floor , which would be bad enough on its own , but since the big girls are not very tidy themselves , a book and a pillow also enjoyed the royal treatment . Little sisters can be the biggest pests ! I can totally sympathize . This is why I never wanted my little sister in my room ( sorry Jackie ) . Fortunately for me my little sister is 22 and doesn 't pee in my bed anymore . December 15 , 2008 Have you ever had one of those days where you just can 't quite make yourself do anything ? For me , today is one of those days ( which isn 't good because I have lots to do ) . When it came time for the baby 's late morning feeding I set myself up on my bed in front of the TV to try and break up the endless monotony of the day . Whilst nursing said baby I became involved with a movie ( " The Other Side of Heaven " in case you were wondering . ) . Rather than going on with my day after baby 's brunch was over I stayed holed up in my room rocking my sick baby and watching what was turning out to be a good flick . After some time had passed a very colorful child appeared in my doorway . I 'm ashamed to admit it had been long enough that it was time to put the baby back to bed . I did so and reluctantly followed my rainbow child down the stairs to see what awaited me . Some monkey of a kid ( namely Camden ) had climbed up to the highest cupboard and gotten the markers out . They were scattered all over the table . Artwork was everywhere ! They 'd colored on themselves , the walls , the baby walker , the moldings , they 'd drawn down the creases of all the baseboards and door frames , and of course the table . Arg ! When will I find a safe haven for the art supplies ? It doesn 't stop with the markers . That would be too obvious a crime . We go for spectacular in this house . To offset the bright colors of the markers they had taken baking soda , and baking powder and emptied the boxes all over the sofas , the carpet , the kitchen , you name it , it was covered . Kind of gives a new meaning to the phrase " White Christmas " . Now that my house was freshly powder coated , it felt more like walking on the beach ( not the gritty beaches of California , think Florida ) than wood floors . You 'd think this would be enough . I guess it wasn 't textural enough for them . Going down the basement stairs to retrieve the vacuum I felt an uncharacteristic crunch beneath my feet . I looked down to discover dog food trailing down the stairs ! I guess if you don 't give your kids something tPosted by We had a lazy morning . Mostly because we stayed up late watching a movie . Once I put the baby down for her morning nap I crawled back into bed ( the one Stuart hadn 't left yet ) to try and make up for lost Z 's . I laid there for a long time with no luck . I should have stayed up . Around 10 : 30 Stuart crawled out of bed and made his way downstairs to receive a very colorful wake - up call . With their new , much taller recruits having made an acquisition of markers they colored the walls , the tables , their clothes , and themselves - - oh and some paper . So called " magic " Mr . Clean only smeared the color around on the walls . Cadi has a purple tummy . This will make for an artful presentation at church on Sunday . I tried to take pictures , but my camera was dead . I 'll make another attempt later . November 28 , 2008 I was happily munching away on my lunch this afternoon while typing up my review of " Twilight " ( which was less than I hoped for , but worth seeing ) when I got a call from my neighbor thanking me for this afternoon 's offering of comic relief . I looked out the back window and there were the twins streaking through the back yard with nary a garment to be seen . Diapers were strewn about the north side of the yard , pants were scattered at the base of the slide and under the trampoline , shirts were nowhere to be found . One was pushing a stroller through the garden , while the other was being chased by the dog ( who had chewed up the previously discarded diapers ) . At least it wasn 't snowing right ? November 25 , 2008 So last night while I was folding laundry I heard the distressed calls of my husband lilting up the stairs . In our short absence the twins came across a stray tube of Desitin . It was in the diaper bag , which in most houses is a perfectly acceptable place to put it . In our house it must be kept in the tallest shelf of the tallest cupboard . Of course if you read our last episode you know that is no longer a safe place either . Back to the point , the desitin was now all over the carpet , both sofas , Stuart 's laptop , stuffed animals , all over their clothing , in their hair , the throw pillows . . . it was everywhere ! Stuart was very unhappy . It didn 't happen , but I suggested he take pictures : ) November 25 , 2008 What can happen in 20 minutes ? As every mother knows , a LOT can happen in 20 minutes . I came downstairs after feeding my baby to discover Camden standing on the counters . She had spent the last little while scaling the upper cabinets and bringing various things down with her from each little expedition . One of which was food coloring ( along with muffin cups , leftover Valentine 's cards and other treasures ) , which was now all over my kitchen and all over my children ( who of course were wearing new clothes , jackets and all ) . I was so shocked I didn 't even know where to start . Not to mention I had left a naked baby laying on the bed upstairs ( I 'll spare you the details of why she was naked , but as parents I 'm sure you can guess ) . What to do first ? I called my husband to share my shock and disbelief at what I was seeing . I 've learned that calling someone can save my children from sudden angry outbursts . He thought it was hilarious . I didn 't . And try as he might to help me find the positive and see the humor in the situation , I wasn 't having any of it . In his wisdom he suggested that I take pictures for posterity 's sake , and in my stubborn anger I didn 't do it . Why would anyone want to see pictures of Moon Sand ( which will NEVER enter this house again ) and Barbie Valentine cards from last year soaked in food coloring ( which , may I remind you is a DYE ) plastered all over my kitchen and dining room . I hung up with him unconsoled and a bit irritated that he was handling it so well . Easy to do when you 're not there if you ask me . Next I called my sister - in - law and my mother who both shared in my frustration . Thank you ladies . I sent the twins outside so they couldn 't touch anything else , quickly diapered the baby , set her down to play and started sweeping up the Moon Sand so that I could get to the floors , table , and counters . Thankfully the dye wiped off all the hard surfaces . On to cleaning of the children . I washed as much color off of their hands and face as I could before tossing them in the tub . They just kept bleediPosted by I 'm a mom of five girls who recently decided that blogging can count as journaling , as long as I make a hard copy of it . After all , the purpose of journaling is for future generations right ? Without a hard copy its just thoughts floating around in cyberspace . |
Some of you may be wondering : What the heck are these posts about a craft room remodel ? I thought you were making your daughter a wedding dress ? Remember ? Knitting it ? Last year ? ! Jo and I went back and forth on the wedding dress . She declared that her figure was changing every day and she didn 't think she 'd be able to wear the knitted dress . I found another dress pattern - - one that could be sewn instead of knitted - - for the sake of speed , and the style even had a charming history of being made famous by Josephine Bonaparte during the Regency Era , which was , of course , Jane Austen 's time . Rumor has it that Empress Bonaparte created the empire waist style to hide a pregnant figure ; and it became all the rage . In the meantime - - and for practicality - - Jo purchased a dress at Nordstrom ( actually two dresses , in case the first one didn 't fit by the wedding , then the second one would stand in ! ) . In the picture above , she is also wearing an antique necklace that belongs to Andrew 's grandmother . ( And isn 't Andrew handsome ? ) They are now cozily situated in their first home in the Seattle , Washington area and loving being parents ! And I am loving being a grandma . Who can argue with this little face ? These pails on the the craft room wall were a Pinterest find ( You can find my own Craft Room Remodel board here ) . In fact , I will be posting my projects to Pinterest when I am done with these DIY posts , just to add to the plethora of similar projects already posted there . For the pails , I used " 50 Clever Craft Room Organizatoin Ideas , " found on the DIYJOY website , found on Pinterest . It turned out to be a jumping off point , really . On one of our multiple trips to IKEA ( As many of you are painfully aware , you are obligated to make multiple trips when you are building a lot of IKEA furniture , whether you want to or not ; turns out there are often missing parts in the furniture kits . IKEA even has a department for missing parts ! ! I think it 's a ploy to get you back - - and back - - into the store ! ) we noticed the SOCKER " plantpots " for . 99 . These were a lot like the pails I had seen on the DIYJOY site and thought these were a steal ! We then set out to find a rail and something to hang the pails on , so they could be filled with adorable crafty items ! After spending quite a bit already , we were feeling pretty cheap at that point in our week - long craft room remodel . Some of the rails and hook systems , when added up , were a bit much , we thought . We walked around more and wandered into the kitchen section where there are a lot of little things in bins , maybe not even on the website , as is the case with our rail . I cannot find it on IKEA 's site , but they were only $ 2 . 50 / rail . Not kidding ! So , we purchased 2 rails , a package of S - hooks ( again , these were kitchen area finds and not found on the site ! They were $ 2 . 50 for a set of 10 ! ) and 8 SOCKER plant pots at . 99 / pail for a grand total of $ 15 . 42 . I thought that was a pretty good deal . It pays to wander around . I still didn 't have a way to hang my pots onto the S - hooks . I thought about drilling a hole in each pot , but then decided against that . I don 't have the right tools for the job . Instead , I chose to use some scrap yarns in bright colors to wrap the tops of each pail . CanPutting S - hooks into a single strand of yarn And there you go ! Hanging pails - - with no plants in them ! I love these little guys so much that I bought 7 extra ones to organize tiny things when making projects ! I keep my swatches in them . They double as coasters for hot coffee mugs in the craft room ! In the interest of catching up , I have decided to try and finish up the posts on the craft room remodel this week . So here is an extra post ! I hope you all don 't mind ! I have a lot of weird things given to me - - sewing notions , old yarn , old pieces of upholstery fabric . Once , I even received an offer to take a partially made afghan . The woman 's sister had died and she didn 't know what to do with it . She thought maybe I could finish it ? She produced some painfully old and dusty crocheted strips ( Incidentally , they were very nice work ) in purple and green . My crochet skills are not to that level , I was able to say , plus I didn 't have the heart to tell her that an afghan takes an incredible amount of time to complete ! While I did not take the afghan project , the truth is that most of the time , I do not refuse items such as these . You never know what you might do with them . The possibilities seem endless . Plus , I grew up with an old Finnish farmer for a father who lived through the Great Depression . He does not throw ANYTHING away . That man has old boards - - older than me - - on his covered patio that he refuses to get rid of . And there is so much more : old nails , pails , bricks , nails stuck in wood , garden spikes , old tomato cages and anything else he is secretly holding . Oh , and let 's not forget the circa 1960 's water skiing boat on the side of his house neatly stored on a poured concrete pad . It has been outside , on a trailer and with no cover - - all of my life . Once he had a wife , then kids , the skiing went out the window . Apparently this was too frivolous for a serious baptist family . He is now 85 and the boat is a lost cause , which he will not give up on . No intentions of restoration , either . " Someone will pay a lot of money for that boat ! " He says . Then I say , " Yes , me . To have is hauled away . " I say this only to myself . At work recently , a patient brought me 2 huge old tins of sewing notions left to her by a great aunt who had recently passed : pins , hat pins ( some rusty with tetanus ) , trimmings and buttons . Oh ! How I love old buttons ! Some were strange and some were lovely and antiquated , some were antiquated , but useless due to damage . All were slightly scratched or tarnished by rubbing against each other for years in those tins . And when you washed them , a curious green film came off onto your hands . I hope it was from tarnished copper buttons living in the tins with the other buttons . . . I happen to also have some button tins of my own , left to me by my grandmother , Grandma Susanna Miller , who died at 92 years of age when I was 25 . That was in 1995 . I usually don 't even dare to think of using my buttons for fear that once I do , they will be gone forever . I generally can 't bear the thought . It 's like losing her all over again . After looking and looking , and handling and examining the buttons from my patient - - and washing my hands with Boraxo - - I had an idea . The old , crappy corkboard I had in the closet could be made over . I was keeping this for a few years after Alex left home and moved to Bend . Like my father , I thought I could use it . The cork seemed a little dry , if that is possible , and there was kid writing all over the board . I popped over to the fabric store , got a little piece of clearance fabric with a sewing theme . I had a little bit of batting . To the two old tins from my patient , I added some old broken jewelry I had , along with some old jewelry and beads given to me by my daughter 's mother - in - law , and yes , a few of my grandmother 's buttons . I measured the stinky teenage boy bulletin board , just the cork part . Then , I used a cutting wheel to cut out a piece of batting . I drew a rectangle on the paper , with a small seam allowance for the fabric . I thought it would be a nicer finish if I hemmed it and I added the biased tape to the hem for stability . The scotty dog was my favorite brooch as a child . I used to wear it on my coat . His back broke off long ago , but I couldn 't bear to part with him . All done ! I feel like there should be a list of things to find on this thing ! Can you find : I had not really planned out how I was going to secure my cover for the ugly bulletin board , so I thought about how cute upholstery pins are . I went to the local hardware store and found some odd yellow thumbtacks . They matched my fabric , why not ? So I brought those home and pinned them all around the board , securing it to the corkboard . It didn 't look quite right , so I measured out little boxes with a clear quilting ruler ( I don 't quilt , but I love their useful supplies ! ) and put the yellow tack on the board , " quilting " it . Then , came the hot glue ; tons and tons of hot glue . I enlisted my patient daughter , Annie , who is a student at the Vancouver School of Arts and Academics ( VSAA ) to help with placing and gluing all the tiny items onto the frame of the bulletin board . She has a good eye for composition ! This part took quite a while . I even had to buy a new hot glue gun - - plus a lot more glue sticks . Mine had never seen so much action in all its years with me combined and it got so sticky that it became unusable . When it was done , it looked more like a walk down memory lane - - my memories plus the memories of others . It doesn 't totally match my craft room concept , and maybe someday I 'll pass this project to my daughter Jo , who longs for a room of her own and make a bulletin board that more matches my 50 's kitchen concept . Or maybe I 'll change the fabric and add more red to the frame - - there is room . After all the coats of paint were dry - - including all the Q - tip dots I made with white paint all over the ceiling to cover the red splatters - - it was time to build some furniture . Months earlier - - when we were working all this out - - I purchased a large , adjustable , white craft table at IKEA and I really liked it . So we were planning to match everything to that . Plus , I loved the clean lines and the white energy against the brightly - colored walls of the room . Something about white in a craft room always makes me happy ! These shelves were our best fit - - and price . We used a 4 - unit bookcase stacked on an 8 - unit one . Fit just right . And it left enough room between bookcase and ceiling to store little photo boxes on the top . We also took the time to secure these to the walls , of course ! The finished product is about 8ft / 2 . 4meters high . With this set , I was able to store my fabric , books and binders easily . . . until I buy more books , that is . And yes , I got sucked into buying those little black folding chairs , too . They are so cute ! The table was called GALANT but now has another name . I had it for two years before we even did the rest of the room - - how time flies . I love the corner workstation and desk ! I had to watch out for the left / right thing on the desk . Got a little confusing . My hubby and I headed to IKEA to get the furniture we had planned for 2 years earlier : a corner desk for the computer , a sewing table / desk , and some book cases for one wall . For the bookcases , we went with the KALLAX series . ( Why does IKEA do everything in ALL CAPS ? It always feels like they are shouting at you , even from the freeway as you see their sign ! ) In case you are thinking of bookcases for craft storage , consider this : a while back , we found a huge set of the BILLY series on Craig 's List ( for pretty cheap ! ) , and thought we had struck gold . That is , until we looked at the dimensions . Be careful that your bookcases are deep enough to actually hold books , binders and craft supplies , or anything else you plan to store . Do you want to fold fabrics on the shelves ? Stack boxes ? Measure your stuff ! I was surprised by how deep my books were compared to the bookcases . The little ALEX chest of drawers can be found here . It turned out hold a lot of notions , trims and extra crafting supplies . I even have a knitting drawer in it ! As you see , a lot still needed to be done . The BILLY series is only 11 " / 28cm deep , which was not going to be enough room for my supplies , at least not comfortably . A little shopping early on revealed that KALLAX was going to be the best price for us , as well as 15 3 / 8 " / 38cm deep , with plenty of storage room . I know this is sounding like a commercial for IKEA , but it was so easy to make everything fit ! Plus , we made a day of shopping ! There 's a Starbucks nearby at Cascade Station . This was made more exciting by the fact that we spotted Trailblazer Lebron James - - though we had no nerve to approach him ! This is normally the time of year where I talk about how I have failed to post , what I have done , etc . Well , this year is mostly no different . However , quite a bit has happened over the last year , and while I usually gloss over past events and focus on only the current ones , I will not be doing that this time . Instead , I intend to take some time to catch up on the blog . There are a lot of things I 'd like to share , and I hope you will feel it is worth it , dear readers . Along with life / knitting events , one additional thing I intend to continue is The Sock Project . ( You will be able to single out those posts as that name will be in the title ) . But for today , let 's start at nearly the beginning : what I did over last Spring Break . It turns out that Virginia Woolf was right : having a room of one 's own truly is amazing and wonderful ; and it is all the more glorious when you have waited 28 years for it . We now ( finally ! ) have only 3 of our 6 children living at home , leaving one bedroom free . A guest room , you say ? I think not . A craft room it was . So , last April - - after many months of discussing how to do it - - my husband and I set out for real to create a special room for me in our home . Oh , I had been using the room for a little while already , but with weird , odd and end furniture . Not to mention that the room had a strange , musty feel , as though it was always dusk in there . Now it was going to really feel like my room . My new room has been a marvelous getaway in my own home , the place I go after work and waaaaaayyyyyyyy too much intense human interaction . In fact , it sometimes feels like a vacation when I am in here ! ( Of course , I am in the craft room right now . . . ) To begin with , the room we used had survived two teenagers . It first belonged to our oldest daughter , Jolene , who is an artist . She is our free spirit , with a BFA in dance and a love of visual art as well . Back about 14 years ago , she painted a mural on one of the bedroom walls . It took her several weeks to complete and meant a lot to her ; in fact , it took me quite a while to finally make the decision that it would not truly be MY space if I left it up . So , I took some nice photos of the mural and intend to put them into a special book for Jo . Then I had the daunting task of covering multiple layers of acrylic / latex and some oil paints , along with a healthy dose of teenage angst . When my son Alex inherited the room once Jolene left for college , he hated that red wall ( mostly because my daughter had painted the outline of a girlfriend on it , and it was just plain creepy ) . Alex requested that it , along with the non - mural walls be painted white . Now , those white walls were dirty with years of stinky teenage boy . In the early morning of the day after the KILZ completion , I contemplated . Colors , themes . . . I realized that my hubby and I had not really done a very complete job of planning the room . We really had a rough sketch for IKEA furniture and a budget , but had not gone much farther than that . I thought about how drab the room was . . . like an old office space lost in time ( except for the red splatter here and there ) . It even had an old , dead taupe - colored filing cabinet , given to me by my mother - in - law . It was so useful . . . and so plain . Home Depot . I had recently been doing a little research into the 50 's era for another project , and had been charmed anew by the decor and clothes of the time . I decided to use 50 's kitchen colors as a jumping off point , as weird as it may sound for a craft room . but I love the robin egg blue and the cherry reds of the time , so I decided to go for it . I continue to work on the Wendy Johnson socks - - the heel has me slightly confounded at the moment . Truthfully , I was confounded about 3 weeks ago and put them down " for a minute , " and have not picked them up just yet . They are sitting next to me right now , keeping me company . Nagging me , really . The live stitches on them have been moved , however , from my addi turbo circulars to some Knitter 's Pride Dreamz circulars . I was irritated with the tiny needles and blunt tips . And when a girl wants some stilettos , where does she go ? The yarn shop , of course . On a very rainy Sunday afternoon , exactly one week following my last blog post , I headed to the fabric store . ( I know - - I said the yarn shop . I will get there . Promise . ) I needed Easter dress patterns and fabrics for me and my daughters and oh , WOW were there some serious coupons that day ! I took Amy Rose , my 7 - year - old with me to occupy her while daddy worked on the car in the garage . The garage , complete with a " Tailgater " radio , loads of tools and shop towels all over the place and one swearing daddy is no place for a first grader . We set out on our fabric adventure . Amy Rose and I spent over an hour at the magical fabric store . Just like newly dyed yarn , there is something about the smell of new fabric that calls to me . Mesmerized , I follow it all over the store , my nose leading the way . With each new colorful , fragrant row , there are new enchantments . If the Pied Piper were made of new fabric , I 'd follow him to the ends of the earth . At the fabric store , this fantastical journey with the piper always ends in paying him . I gave my due to the young lady at the cash register and the spell was broken . I suppose that this created some sort of a letdown , coming off the fabric store high , because I mentally - - and somewhat unconsciously - - began looking for another fix . I lingered in my running car for a moment . It slowly occurred to me that Blizzard Yarn and Fiber , one of two newer shops here in Vancouver , was close by . I knew they had an excellent needle selection , and it was on the way home . I needed some pointier needles , after all - - some stilettos ! Yes , of course ! I couldn 't continue my Wendy Johnson socks another minute without better needles . Another reason for another lovely nose - enchanting high ! Amy Rose protested in the back seat , " I just wanna go hoooooomme ! ! MOM ! I 'm so tired . . . . " some familiar little kid whimpering followed , as if extra noise created needed and convincing emphasis on the statement . It was a mix of fake crying and moaning . It was accompanied by some deep leaning to one side in the car seat to be sure I saw the exhaustion . " Honey , it will only be a minute . Then we 'll head straight home . Promise . " More whimpering . I was unmoved . I was following the Piper again . This time he just had a different instrument . The 10 - minute drive felt longer than ten minutes to both of us . As I parked in the spot right by the And there she was . I thought . Betsy . The woman herself . I knew it was her . I was pretty sure it was her . I had never seen her in real life , though , never heard her voice , never watched her knit as this woman was doing now . Maybe it wasn 't her . Maybe I just wished it . I stared too long . Nervously laughing and chatting momentarily with the other women as the saleswoman who was working that day stood to help me with my needles . I welcomed the escape and we walked back to the front of the store where the needles were kept . She has no idea , I thought . She doesn 't even see me stealing glances back over around the corner . I nervously bought my needles and was poised to walk out of the store , never knowing the truth . " Mommy , can we stay ? " Amy Rose shook me , " Let 's look around . Maybe can we sit down at that table and have a rest ? " She said this so everyone heard . Stunned and horrified at the idea of lingering and the possibility of being found out as the stalker I truly was , I stammered , " S - s - s - ure , honey . Let 's look over here . " Still glancing back at the table , I dragged Amy Rose to the back left corner of the store , as far from the rectangular table as I could get . I feigned shopping for yarn . Everyone at the table had gone back to the business of knitting and visiting , they had no idea of my obsession ! Okay , I thought , there 's no option . We have to pass back by the table . We 'll have to sit down . I asked the women unnecessarily , " Mind if we join you ? " They are gave an energetic " Sure ! " and invited us to a couple of chairs . I inconspicuously pulled out my Betsy McCarthy " Starter Stockinette " socks ( seen in the last post ) and began working on them . After too many minutes of small talk , asking the other women questions and trying - - but failing - - to listen to their warm and interesting responses , I decided to strike . I addressed Betsy . I told her I felt silly , but had to ask if she was who I thought she was . And , after all that self - imposed stress , turns out it was hardly a big deal . Turns out she is the most approachable , humble and sweetest - natured person you could ever hope to meet . I confessed I was knitting her sock right in front of her , and she just smiled . Of course , she likely knew it all along . Then , she told me about her life here in Vancouver , how she takes walks with a mutual friend of ours ( who still lives in her building , in case you were wondering ! ) and how they take walks through downtown - - and knit at the same time . Once , she told me , it took several blocks for her to realize that her yarn ball had fallen and been trailing behind her , unwinding all the way ! That last story did it for me : Betsy McCarthy was a kindred spirit to me in some ways . So , I guess , when you meet your heroes , sometimes it turns out okay . Sometimes they are more than you may have imagined , and maybe you even will have something to talk about . Sometimes , they may even let you take a picture with them at the local yarn shop , where it turns out you both buy yarn . |
Last night , as I was driving , I heard George Strait 's " The Breath You Take " and I was brought to tears . It 's not the first time I 've heard the song based off the quote but after the hardships of this year , it struck a chord . I remember when I first heard the quote , before the song , I assumed it was talking about the good times . That in our living we should be focused on those beautiful moments in our lives , our wedding day , the birth of our children , certain milestones , good memories and while those sentiments are true there are equally bad moments that take our breath away . That thought clicked in my mind as the song came through my radio . The struggle has been real and while the birth of a child nearly 9 months ago was breathtaking in a beautiful , miraculous way , the loss of a child three months ago was breathtaking too , in the gut wrenching , heartbreaking way . Both moments have equal value in my life . One good , one bad . Both moments shape and define my life , who I am and who I 'll be in the future . Yes , breathing indicates life . If we weren 't breathing we 'd be dead . But the proof that you 're truly alive is in the moments that define us , however breathtaking they may be . In the midst of grief , it is hard to see the good . And I for one , am annoyed when people gloss over your pain with trivial statements , however well meaning they may be . Yes , life goes on . Yes , you will get through it . Yes , you can try for another baby . But when your breath has been taken away by pain and loss , those words can seem heartless and cruel . In these moments in life , people just need a listening ear , a good deed , an assurance that they are not alone in their suffering . When the burden begins to lighten and they begin to breathe again the memory of that pain won 't be an oppressive darkness . There will be light there and in times of remembering that pain , they will see that they didn 't walk alone . And that breathtaking moment won 't be so hard to bear . I find myself in this place . I realized recently that had my baby been able to live , I would know the sex , possibly have a name picked out . I would be planning and buying and rejoicing . But those things aren 't happening . Yes , it 's incredibly sad . There are days when grief sneaks up and slaps me around but I can look back on that breathtaking moment and know that I 'm alive and I didn 't walk alone and that gives me joy amidst the pain . The physical results that I 'm seeing are wonderful . It 's tough not knowing what the scale says but feeling and seeing the results are just as good . Clothes that were fitting tightly and were almost unwearable a couple of weeks ago fit well or are loose now . While my stomach has a LONG way to go before it 's truly flat , it is much flatter today . My skin looks great . I 've always had pretty good skin , on my face at least , but over the past couple of months I had been having pimples and patches of dry skin near my mouth and chin . This was something I 've never really experienced before . As a teenager , I had the occasional pimple but nothing when any sort of regularity . I 'm pretty confident this was due to the poor eating habits I was following . The sleep is amazing ! I 'm a person who constantly battles insomnia or if I do fall asleep quickly , I have a problem staying asleep . I either wake up a dozen times during the night or wake up and stay awake for a couple hours before being able to fall back asleep again . Not so since I started the Whole 30 . It 's amazing that foods can affect your sleep patterns so much . I never would have guessed . I 'm sleepy by 9 PM and fall asleep quickly . I was strictly a 11 to 12 PM girl , every night . I still wake up once , but it 's usually not long after I 've fallen asleep . I 'm not sure why I 'm doing this but it happens almost every night . I have no problem going back to sleep and then I 'm dead weight until morning or the baby cries . The sleep just might be my favorite change so far . The second week was much easier than the first . The first was hard because I was just learning what things to eat and trying to figure out how to make meals that didn 't include dairy or beans or grains . I had bad detox headaches and struggled to eat enough some days . We are enjoying all the meals we eat . We are eating good foods . It seems hard to cut out so many things that are staples in much of our diet but once you get the hang of it , you find yourself not missing them . Well at least not too bad . For example I made Paleo chili last night for supper . My normal chili includes lots of beans and then is topped with cheese and sour cream . We eat Doritos along with our chili . I was unsure of how I was going to like this chili as it had no beans and I couldn 't include my favorite toppings . Holy cow ! It was amazing and I 've found a new favorite chili topping . . . diced avocado ! Seriously , it 's so good ! I will say that of everything I can 't eat , I still miss cheese the most . I have to restart week 2 of C25K as I did not finish it this week . I 'm disappointed but there were several things that happened out of my control , one of which was a thunderstorm during my normal run time . I don 't want to do what I normally do and give up all together , so I 'm hoping for a better week and being able to get my runs in like I 'm supposed to . I enjoy running in the evening by myself , I absolutely HATE using the jogging stroller but I may have to switch to mornings after my oldest gets on the bus . The jogging stroller needs some work done , so I need to get the hubby on that . Speaking of the hubby , he cheated ! Last week he had . . . PIZZA ! ! ! I literally wanted to cry when he told me . Not because I was upset that he hadn 't been able to truly finish the Whole 30 but I was jealous ! Ha ! I love pizza ! Like , I could eat it three times a week and not get tired of it . In his defense , with his job there are times he is unable to come home for lunch and he had already had to compromise for breakfast because he was busy . I normally make us eggs of some sort but because he wasn 't able to wait for me to make them he had a Larabar and almonds that morning . No one he works with was able to leave for lunch and someone ordered pizzas for everyone . I kid him that he could have scraped the toppings off and not eaten the bread and cheese . He 's not beating himself up about it because he was really doing this to support me . He isn 't starting over as the Whole 30 says you should but he is continuing to eat the way I eat and trying his best to not have to cheat again . The one thing that I forgot to do that I wish I had of done at the beginning was to take my measurements . I had every intention of doing them and just forgot but just looking at the way my body is now , I know the measurements would show a pretty good loss . So , if you are thinking about doing the Whole 30 yourself , please take your measurements on day one , you 're going to want to know the difference . Has the Whole 30 been hard ? Yes . It takes a lot of preparation both physically and mentally . It does get easier and it 's so worth it . I honestly can 't believe that it 's already been 7 days since I officially started my journey . You know sometimes , how you start a diet , and it 's horrible and you 're miserable and time just seems to drag on ? Well , the Whole 30 is not like that . You are filling your body with good food , with good fuel , and it feels good . The first week went by so fast ! Yesterday was the last day of my Jillian Michaels detox drink . The combination of the Whole 30 with the drink was great for my body . I can already notice some subtle changes and I like it . Today is the first day of just drinking plain water and I actually miss the detox drink . I think I 'm going to continue to add a bit of the pure cranberry juice and lemon juice to my daily water . I really liked that . My husband " cheated " and weighed himself yesterday . In one week he was down 7 . 5 pounds . I thought that was pretty awesome . I 'm not going to lie , the scales tempt me . They are in our downstairs bathroom and I have to see them multiple times a day . I should take my friends advice and just lock them in a closet . I came very close to weighing today . I know I can see and feel results but I want a number ! Ha ! I also finished week one of C25K and started week two yesterday . Last night 's run was hard . Mainly because at 8 PM it was still 93 degrees outside . Also because the amount of running increased with the new week . I saw today that there is going to be a 5K at Fort Polk the beginning of September . I 'm thinking about signing up even though I won 't be completely finished with the C25K program . I 'll run what I can and walk the rest . The week went by fast but not without some challenges . Number one was the detox headache . Pretty much since I started on the Whole 30 , I 've woken up each morning with a pounding headache . It usually lasts for a few hours . About day 3 , I had a terrible headache that lasted all day . At one point , I went outside and couldn 't hold my eyes open because the pain was so bad . I 'm honestly not sure if the morning headaches are due to detox or because I am sleeping incredibly hard at night . I 've been going to sleep a bit earlier at night , not by much , but earlier is earlier , right ? Normally , I can 't fall asleep and once I do , I can 't stay asleep . This week , however , once I 'm asleep , I 'm practically dead ! That 's how hard I 'm sleeping at night . Love the sleep , not the headache so much . Secondly , I found it hard to eat enough some days . There were a couple of days where I ate really small amounts and just felt like I was full and just had no desire to eat . I 'm not sure if that 's a mental block I was putting up or what was going on but I know to get the most out of the Whole 30 I need to eat and eat well . Lastly , I took my daughter to a birthday party last night . It didn 't start until 5 PM and since that 's close to dinner time , I figured that it would be better to cook our dinner meal earlier in day . I had planned a steak dinner for us that night , so we instead had a late steak lunch . I figured I 'd cook up a quick meal of scrambled eggs or something for dinner when we got home . I took a baggie of raw cashews with me in case I got hungry and so I would have some sort of defense against all the foods I knew would be there and would derail my progress . As soon as we walked in the door , the smell hit me . I knew it was going to be hard but I also knew that I hadn 't done all this work for nothing . Luckily the mom is a friend and knew from my Facebook that I was doing a " diet " of some sort . I was glad for that because I felt like I would be offending her by not eating any of the food she had taken the time to prepare . I actually felt strong up until it was cake time . Birthday cake is my absolute favorite . I love regular birthday cake and vanilla ice cream ! But the kicker wasn 't the birthday cake . After the cake was brought out and the candles blown out and happy birthday sang , I heard these words , " hand me the other cake . " WHAT ? There were two cakes ? ? ? ? This one was chocolate with chocolate icing and what looked to be chocolate ganache . OH . MY . GOTCH ! I quickly texted my BFF and was like , " There are TWO cakes ! ! ! I need to get out of here ! " I also told her that I really wanted to put my face in that cake and wallow around in it for a bit ! Hilarity by text ensued and I got a few weird looks , especially when I snorted really loud . Oh well ! Thank you Stephanie for helping me keep my sanity and my diet in tact ! I love you ! That was the first time I felt a real craving or temptation during the week . I felt awesome sticking to my plan and not getting derailed when I so easily could have . We didn 't get home until 7 : 30 . I was hungry even though I ate my cashews . I also hadn 't done my run for the day . I can 't eat after I run . Even an hour and a half later is pushing it . I almost lost my supper a few nights ago doing that . I knew that if I didn 't go run first , I wouldn 't run at all . Begrudgingly , I changed clothes and headed out . I was glad I did . After a quick shower , I made a fast egg salad thanks to my hubby boiling some eggs for me while we were at the party . I basically mashed up three eggs , added a bit of salt , pepper , smoked paprika , hot sauce , and mustard . I scarfed it down along with the last of my detox water and crashed on the couch . Tomorrow starts week two . I 'm excited . I did my grocery shopping yesterday and I feel prepared for the week . Abigail goes back to school on Tuesday and so starts the getting up early . I am not a morning person , so please be kind to me if you see me this week . I will probably be struggling ! I 've started trying to make a few small changes leading up to tomorrow when I officially start day one of my Whole30 challenge . The last few days have been filled with research , planning , grocery shopping , prepping , writing out my goals etc . For the past week , I 've been eating smaller meals , not necessarily focusing on nutrition , but portion size . So from the get go , I 'm already down a few pounds . Yesterday , I started day one of the Couch to 5K running plan . For those of you who have been following my blog for the last few years will know that this is not my first time doing the plan . I have successfully completed it twice and have stopped and started it several other times . I wish I could say that I 've been a constant runner since finishing the program but for some reason , I haven 't stuck with running at all . But I am a believer in it , because I know it works . This time , I downloaded the free C25K app which still tells me when to start and stop running but allows me to access my own playlists on my phone . I won 't be blogging much about the running since I 've already done that in the past . I will say this though . . . man , is it ever disappointing to struggle at doing something that your body used to be able to accomplish with no problem . I felt like I was dying yesterday doing day one . I wanted to beat myself up mentally because of it but negative self talk wont help me in any way so I 'm just going to let it go and continue on . Today , I 'm implementing one other part of my Project Me plan . . . the Jillian Michaels Detox Drink . The purpose of the drink is to help you shed extra water weight which we all know means more frequent trips to the bathroom . From what I 've read , you can lose up to five pounds in the seven days . My initial plan was to do this drink last week , a week before I started the Whole30 but because one of the ingredients is a little hard to find and I ended up having to order it online , I didn 't receive it in the mail until Friday . Since I had already bought the stuff , I figured I would do it anyway . You are not supposed to weigh in after the first day of the Whole30 until it 's over , so I won 't be able to tell you if I lost the 5 pounds the first week or not but I 'm sure I 'll be able to tell you more about how it worked for me and what it was like . I posted a picture of my jug of water over on Facebook this morning and have already had several of you ask for the recipe so here it is . . . The dandelion root tea was the ingredient that was hard to find . I 'm sure if you have a local health food store or a nice supermarket you may not have the problem I did finding it . I ordered mine from Amazon . To make the drink , fix your tea according to the package . Once it has cooled pour it in your container . Add the cranberry and lemon juice and top with remaining water . I made my drink last night so that it had time to be completely cool before consuming it today . That 's it . Now , you drink one 64 oz container of your drink every day for seven days . I made two jugs last night and my hubby and I are both drinking on them today . He 's along for the ride too . He 's supposed to let me post his results at the end of the 30 days as well . You may be wondering how it tastes . It tastes like tangy lemon water to me . Not bad at all . You don 't have to be on a restrictive " diet " to do the detox drink but it makes sense to eat as well as you can and to exercise along with it to get the most out of it . Tomorrow starts my " official " journey . I 'm excited to be focusing on not just losing weight but my health again as well . You 'll find me here on my blog for most of the 30 days , staying accountable and letting you all know how it 's going . Join me ? I am a giver by nature . My mom used to say , that I 'd give someone my last dollar and she 's right . I totally would . If you 're family or friend , you 've probably at some point , been the recipient of a gift that didn 't come on your birthday or holiday . I most likely saw something that reminded me of you and couldn 't resist buying it . Giving in a tangible sense , hasn 't always been an option due to our financial circumstances at times , but when it is , I seriously cannot help myself . It drives my husband nuts but it 's part of who I am . But I 'm not someone who just gives presents , I like to think that I give my time and " talents " when I can . I often put other people first before myself . It 's not that I think that I don 't matter but I just naturally find myself concerned for the well - being and care of others and like to do what I can when I can . As wonderful as this all is , it means that I put myself on a back burner many of times . I don 't even realize that I 'm doing it . Mostly that 's because I truly receive more of a blessing as a giver . The thing about back burners is that they are hardly used and when they are it 's for the less important part of the meal or for something that doesn 't need much attention . It 's often forgotten and when it 's finally remembered , the results aren 't always pleasant . I 've been on the back burner too long . Sometimes being on that back burner is intentional . It comes from a place of not wanting to be noticed or not wanting to deal with things in your life . That 's why I 've been there lately . It 's mostly been survival mode . If I can say one thing about 2014 , is that it 's been full of some hard times . It 's been much easier to focus on other things and other people than myself . If you 've read my blog at all in the last few months you 'll know what I 'm talking about . From being alone with two kids waiting for my husband to return from Afghanistan to essentially having to abort my child due to an ectopic pregnancy , things have not been easy . I 've had to deal with the emotions that come from these hard times . The easiest way to feel some sort of normalcy was to eat my feelings . I found myself slipping back into old eating habits that I thought I had finally conquered . One of the worst being waiting till my family was all in bed to indulge in junk food without having to feel guilty , at least for the time being . Guilt from over - indulging always comes . I blogged for a while after my surgery but I could never get over this nagging feeling that people just wanted me to suck it up and get over it already . So I tried that . I didn 't really get over it . I 'm still not over it . I just pretend to be . The truth is , I 've got so many dang emotions bottled up inside right now , that I hope no one lights my fuse because it won 't be pretty . But I 'm trying to deal . In the midst of all of this , I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror . Of course , I see myself at some point , in a mirror everyday but that doesn 't mean I 'm always really looking and when I am , I put on my denial glasses or I say that I 'll deal with it later . Well , later came in the glimpse and it was like a sucker punch to the gut . The disgusting , over - sized gut that hadn 't been there just a couple months ago . The heartbreaking truth was that I had done it to myself , again . I had no one else to blame . I had put myself on the back burner , intentional or not , it was the way that I have survived the last couple of months . It 's the way I survived most of last year . By putting everyone else above myself . Because , if I thought of me , I 'd have to deal with the heartbreak of my husband being overseas , of being alone when my daughter arrived by c - section , of moving back to a place with no friends or family , of having my baby and part of myself taken from me . Dealing with me meant truly dealing with all of the hardness of life of late and it was easier to focus on everyone else than to do that . But that glimpse made me focus in on myself and I didn 't like what I saw . The last few days have been especially hard as I 've had to take a close look at myself , deal with the pains of life , and try to put things behind me so that I can move on and become a better me . I have a lot of work to do physically but it 's not just that . I have a lot of work to do mentally and spiritually for myself as well . I 'm taking back control of my life . At least the parts that I have control over . I 'm moving myself to the front burner . Don 't get me wrong . It 's OK to be on the back burner every now and then , as long as your mindful of the pot , keep it stirred , and take it off when it needs to be moved . It 's not OK to put yourself on the back burner and leave yourself there until you no longer recognize who you are . That 's where I feel like I 've been so I 'm moving myself forward . The rest of this year is about a better me and taking care of myself so that I can continue to be there for my family and those in my life . Today , I wrote down my goals and a game plan to achieve them . I 'll write more about those later . If you 're struggling with being on the back burner or life has been hard lately , take a glimpse whether that be physically , mentally , or spiritually . Really take the time to look at yourself . Have you lost control ? Have you allowed your circumstances to define you instead of dealing with them ? There 's always time for a change . Give it all to God and make a plan . Start small . Do the things you know to do and do them well . We can do this . For the past few weeks my home has been filled with people I love . As our friends were packing for their move , the kitchen was one of the first things to be put away . Once I discovered they planned on eating sandwiches for their remaining time , I was having none of it . There was no way that I was going to toss out food on a regular basis while they ate poorly for a few weeks . It was decided that I would cook each evening and they would come have dinner with us . What was designed to be a blessing to them turned out to be the greater blessing for me . I enjoyed every minute of it . I enjoyed the planning and cooking . I enjoyed the conversations over dinner . I enjoyed it when they lingered after dinner was finished and the kitchen was clean and we played games or goofed around . I enjoyed having my home filled with love and laughter . Everything seems so quiet now . So empty . The rest of my family seems to be taking it pretty well but I 'm struggling . Much more so than I ever imagined . It actually feels a lot like grief . I look around and see things left behind or things that remind me of them and the tears come unbidden . Yesterday morning as we drove to church , we passed by their old apartment , only a few away from ours . My heart was sad . I felt alone . You don 't realize how much you need other people in your life . I was used to being alone and not having any friends . Now it sucks going back to that . My husband has people that he works with . After lunch he went out with a few to shoot his bow . I 'm glad for him but it makes my loneliness feel sharper . I think the thing that bothers me the most is the feeling of being alone . Of course I have my own family but knowing that there were others who would be there for you , to have your back , made living here away from our own families much , much easier . I know it 's part of life , especially military life , but as I 've said before , knowing something and actually experiencing it are two totally different things . I know it will get easier . Abigail starts back to school in a few weeks and our lives will be back on a routine . Once they are settled I fully expect FaceTime to be a huge part of our lives . And we are planning a trip to see them just after Christmas . Five months feels like a really long time but life has away of passing by in a hurry so it will be here before we know it . One of the best ways of getting over things is to immerse yourself into a project . This time the project is me . I 've neglected myself long enough . Since my hubby has been home and I lost the baby , I 've slipped back into some really old and bad habits , mostly emotional eating which equals weight gain . I 'm thoroughly disgusted with myself . I worked so hard to lose weight and get my life on track only to allow circumstances to control me instead of the other way around . So today , I 'm getting back to the basics . I 'm setting goals and writing them down . Starting with the larger goals and then smaller ones to help me attain the bigger ones . It 's time to find myself again , to feel better . My posts will most likely be more frequent and more about weight loss and healthy living again . Those posts are more for me than anything else . I find that I need that accountability to stay on track . I hope you 'll join me on my journey . Either by starting one of your own or by reading through mine . There 's a lot of things they don 't tell you about military life when your spouse is being recruited . They give you the highlight reel and tell you that having watched Army Wives on tv doesn 't matter because it 's nothing like that . And about that they are right . People will tell you that every post is different . Every unit is different . And your personal experience with the military really depends on where you land . Everyone 's experience is not the same . Disappointed is not strong enough a word to describe my feelings when I learned that we were headed back to the state of Louisiana for Ryan 's first duty station . I mean when you join the military you imagine getting to go places you 've never been . We had just spent the last two years living and mostly being miserable in Louisiana . And as I researched Fort Polk it was very hard to find anyone who said anything good about it . But getting my husband back after being gone to training most of the year , I would have went to Timbuktu , gladly . So , we found ourselves in a new place surrounded by new people being newbies to the army life . The unit my husband was stationed with had been rumored to be deploying later that year and my worst fear was confirmed . We spent the majority of our first six months here with my husband being in the field , working late nights , and rarely seeing him except for the weekends . I remember being angry because I distinctly remember the recruiter stressing that " family " was a main priority for the army . As far as I could see , it wasn 't . They didn 't care that I had cooked dinner and kept it warm for over two hours . They didn 't care that my husband had only been home a few minutes before being called back in to work . It was all very frustrating . Add in the fact that I didn 't know anyone and it could be pretty miserable . They also tell you how many friends you 'll make . Maybe things were different in the military of yesteryear but most people aren 't very nice or friendly . I seriously have a neighbor whom I always smile and speak to when I see her and all I get are icy glares and a mumbled reply . I 've never had a full conversation with her so I can 't imagine why she 's like that . In those first 6 months , I was utterly alone . It wasn 't until I returned to Fort Polk in anticipation of my husbands return from Afghanistan that I made any friends . You can read more about that here . They aren 't the only ones but they are my closest and dearest friends here . In the words of my six year old , " they 're are our friends but more like family . " It 's a running joke about how quickly and how closely Stephanie and I became friends but there are just some people you click with , some people you are just meant to be friends with . These are my people . This is their last week here . I 'm an emotional being . I feel everything in a big way no matter what the emotion . So , today , I find myself on the verge of tears . I 'm not ready to say goodbye . It 's so completely selfish . They 've done their time in this hole and they are getting to go to a place closer to home . It 's a good move . So I really just feel sorry for myself . It 's hard to imagine people taking up so much room in your heart when you haven 't known them that long but it 's just the way it is . Military life may not be everything I imagined it would be but for the most part it 's been a blessing . Had we not gotten those orders to Fort Polk , I would have missed out on making some lifelong friends . So in the words of Winnie the Pooh . . . It 's been a couple of months since my surgery for the removal of my tube including my baby . I haven 't updated lately because there really hasn 't been much to say . It 's taken this long for me to begin to feel like myself again , to feel the dark cloud of anger and depression begin to lift . The thing with grief is that it can suck you back in at any time , without any warning . Today has been one of those days . Maybe it 's the fact that I haven 't felt well all week or maybe it 's because I finally had the last part of this madness done this week but I 've felt overwhelmed today . I 've felt anxious , tired , and emotional . I 've caught myself thinking about our baby and how far along I should be . I 've been over thinking about over thinking . It 's a vicious cycle . The last part of the madness was my HSG test . Basically a catheter was inserted into my cervix and dye was ran through my remaining tube to check for any blockages or problems that could cause infertility or another ectopic pregnancy . I was nervous and alone for this test . I was prepared for intense pain and bad results . But astonishingly enough there was neither . I haven 't heard official word from my OBGYN yet but according to the doctor that did my test , my remaining tube is clear and I am good to go if we want to try for another baby . That 's the million dollar question . Do we want to try again ? Part of me says no . Part of me doesn 't want to risk the heart ache and grief a second time . Part of me just wants to move on . The other part of me , the one that 's always wanted three kids says yes . Go for it . I 'm not sure which part will win out . Only time will tell . I know that I will live with this wound the rest of my life . It 's a part of me . It 's a part of who I am now . I 'm still struggling to reconcile the person I was before the surgery with the person I am now . I know that somewhere there is a happy medium . One that will allow me to love and miss the baby that is no longer with us but not be a person tied down to her grief and pain . Someone who can live life to the fullest even when her arms are empty of a life she thought would be there . This week has been one of the better ones that I 've had in a month . Some of the weight I 've been carrying around has felt like its been lifted or at least lightened a little . Until today . Today , I have felt irritated and angry . The slightest things set me off . I recognize that these emotions are irrational but I cannot seem to control them . I began to wonder , " why today ? " And then I remembered that tomorrow I have my post - op follow up appointment . Tomorrow , I have to relive one of the worst days of my life . Tomorrow , I have to look at pictures from my surgery and ask questions that I need answers to because I was too groggy from anesthesia when the doctor came in and talked to me after surgery . Tomorrow , I have to discuss further testing and my body 's ability to carry future children . I 'm angry today because I wonder if my world will come crashing down again tomorrow . Technically , it 's already tomorrow . I have a lot to do before my appointment . First of which is sleep ! I 'm going to keep my mind occupied until then and no matter the outcome , I 'm going to spend tomorrow evening with my family and friends , being thankful for the life I have even if it 's not the life I imagined a month ago . Every night I go to bed with a pit in my stomach , a deep , dark abyss of anxiety mixed with grief and depression and every morning I wake up to the same thing . During the day , when my mind and attention is focused on something else I don 't notice it as much but it 's still there . It 's a physical ache constantly reminding me of all that I 've lost , all that I 've been through . I feel at war with my emotions . I wish the pit would go away but I don 't want to forget . I wonder . I wonder what gender my baby would have been . I wonder if this might have been the baby that looked a little more like me and a little less like Ryan . I wonder what we would have named him or her . I wonder what Christmas would have been like with me being only a couple of days away from a c - section . I wonder what the new year would have looked like being a family of five . I wonder who this child would have grown up to be . I wonder . I had a bad day today . I had a bad day yesterday . Neither incident had anything to do with my ectopic pregnancy or surgery . It 's just that once something really awful happens to you , even minor inconveniences seem like major problems . I don 't want to keep score but I find myself counting the crappy things that have happened to me since my surgery . I could list five right now . I know what your thinking . Jessica , count your blessings . Don 't focus on the negative , focus on the positive . You have so much to be thankful for . You want the truth ? All I hear is blah , blah , blah . Literally , right now , the thought of someone saying that to me is making my heart race and I want to hit something . It 's not that you 're wrong . I do have so much to be thankful for and I probably should be counting my blessings . I just can 't . Not right now , not in this moment , anyway . What kid on the planet isn 't obsessed with Frozen right now ? I know that my Abigail is . I hear a rendition of " Let it Go " several times a day . She sings it with such conviction . I want to be Elsa . I want to freaking let it go but I can 't . Maybe it 's because it 's too soon or maybe it 's because I 'm stubborn . I don 't know . There isn 't really a step by step guide on how to go about this . I just know that I want to shake the oppression but I 'm not really ready to let go of it , just yet . I don 't want to feel bad anymore but I don 't know how to feel anything else right now . Writing / blogging let 's me breathe . It helps me to deal with and better understand what I 'm feeling . I 'm usually unaware of what I 'm going to say . It 's when I feel " heavy " emotionally that I turn to the computer and my fingers fly across the keyboard . When I 'm finished , I feel a little lighter and I sleep a little better . Maybe one day , you 'll come to my blog and find a recipe or a more uplifting post but for the time being , I can 't promise anything more than what I 've been giving you . This is real . This is me . This is who I am at this moment in time . I 'm surviving only by the grace of God and my words on a screen . Posted by I 've never been what you would call a people person . Even in high school I preferred to stay at home , put on my pj 's , and watch TV rather than going to the movies or dinner with friends . I 'm not saying that I didn 't do those things but there were just as many times as I turned down offers as times that I accepted them . I thought of myself as an extrovert but the older I get the more introverted I realize that I am . Being a stay at home mom has only made it worse . My oldest is going to be 7 later this year . Once I had her , I stayed home and pretty much had no social life . My husband worked weird hours so it was mostly me and Abba all the time . When the opportunity to be in a social situation arose , I found it hard to communicate with others . My brain felt mushy and I realized that I didn 't have a lot in common with most of the people I found myself around . These awkward situations , pushed me further into my shell , so to speak , and it truly became difficult to make friends . The amount of effort it required to make a friend and be a friend just wasn 't worth it in my opinion and I wasn 't a people person . As a teenager and young adult , I was self - confident . I felt like I knew who I was and I was OK with that person . I honestly didn 't care about what people thought of me . Now , at 31 , I feel more insecure than ever . I still feel awkward in most social situations , I still find it difficult to make and maintain friendships , and I have to fight hard against the urge to stay cooped up at home and never go anywhere other than the grocery store . I find myself wondering what people think of me and actually caring . I 'm no longer sure if I like me . I constantly feel like a failure as a mother . That feeling is exacerbated by my ectopic pregnancy . I struggle with feeling like I failed the child that was taken from me . Rationally , I realize that I can 't control everything that happens in my body but a lot of our feelings are irrational , right ? People keep telling me to grieve . But how can I ? I have two other children who depend on me and are always around . My husband works a job where I may only see him a couple hours total during the day . I 'm responsible for everything and everyone in my house . If I cry , my oldest constantly asks if I 'm crying and why I 'm crying . It 's just a rough situation all around . These last two weeks have felt like hell and it doesn 't seem like that feeling is going to let up anytime soon . Before my husband returned from deployment and I moved back to Fort Polk he suggested that I send a Facebook friend request to the wife of another soldier in his unit that lived on our street . I had only met her once before and while she seemed nice , I didn 't really know her . Being the introverted , non - people person that I am , I cringed at the thought . It would be so weird , right ? To receive a friend request from someone you met once and probably don 't even remember . He had to convince me to do it but I did . I typed a short message to go along with it , trying to be as un - weird ( is that a word ? ) as possible . I felt sick . Why are things like that so hard for me ? Anyway , being the nice person that she was , she accepted my request and sent a nice message back . Whew ! Maybe she didn 't think I was as creepery as I felt . What I didn 't know or even expect was that friend request would change my life . We hit it off after a few awkward moments when we first met in person . Our husbands came back from deployment and I figured that it would kind of be the end of things . Maybe we 'd get together once in a while on our own but I doubted that the husbands would be involved . Truth is , it 's very rare for Ryan and I to actually like the same people . Ha . I know that sounds bad but it is what it is . I was wrong and I 'm really glad . I 'm thankful for all the texts , Facebook messages , and so forth that I 've received from family and friends since my surgery but nothing beats having a physical presence in your life that helps you out , comforts you , lets you sob uncontrollably on your living room sofa without judgement , and after seeing you ugly cry , still wants to be your friend ! I can 't imagine having gone through this without the extra support and care of our friends . Whether you 're a people person or not , one thing that I 've learned is , people are important . You may not always like everyone you meet . There are some people out there that make me want to stay in my shell and not take the chance . But without taking a chance on people , you risk never having your life changed by others . No matter where life takes us or where we end up , I will never be able to reflect upon this time in my life without thinking about the friends who made it easier . I 'm sure they don 't even realize they are doing it . Half the time when my heart is hurting and I 'm feeling sorry for myself , my phone goes off with a text to see how I 'm feeling , or a funny picture that makes me laugh , or a well - timed friendly " insult " . And most evenings , four lounge chairs at the end of a driveway are healing my heart and nobody knows it but me . I remember when I was in first grade , maybe kindergarten , my best friends house was robbed . I went home with her after school to spend the night and when we walked into her house it was immediately evident that someone had broken in and stolen things . I remember being so scared . It wasn 't my house or my things but I still felt a sense of discomfort and paranoia . Their privacy had been invaded and even as a small child it felt gross and shameful . Not that they had anything to be shameful about but it just felt wrong . I feel those same feelings today . Except it isn 't my home that 's been invaded it 's my body . It 's my heart . I wish that I would have had a miscarriage . That I could 've understood . It would have been hard and painful and I 'm sure I would be feeling some of the same things that I 'm feeling right now . But this , this feels wrong , and shameful . I was forced to do something I would have never done under other circumstances . My body didn 't reject my baby and dispel of it . I was robbed . My baby was taken from me . Stolen . At least it feels that way . I know that my baby couldn 't survive in my Fallopian tube and I know had the pregnancy continued much further then I may not have survived either but the whole situation just feels wrong . The pain comes in waves . I think I 'm doing fine and out of know where I 'm drowning or it feels that way . One summer when I was a kid , my family rented some motel rooms or something on Tybee Island . I grew up in a small town about an hour south west of there . My dad had rented us some " boogie boards " and he would push us off on a wave and my brother and I would ride the wave to the shore and then swim back out with our boards to meet my dad for another round . We had been at it for a while and the waves were getting bigger . My dad said this was the last wave for the day . I don 't remember being pushed into the wave by my dad but I do remember the wave overtaking me and me and my board tumbling over and over beneath the water . I desperately wanted air . I needed to reach the surface . I began to panic and then my face made contact with the ocean floor . I was now in shallow water near the shore . My mouth and nose were filled with sand and I was bleeding mostly from scratches from the sand and probably my face hitting so hard . That was the end of that beach day for us . I don 't remember a lot else about that vacation , just some snippets here and there but I remember that moment like it was yesterday . The grief and pain over this unexpected loss is much like that . Most days I 'm coasting the waves but on others I 'm tumbling beneath the surface unable to breath . Unlike the bloody face and the sand in my mouth and nose , I have no physical evidence of my loss , at least not by outward appearance . I don 't go around with my stomach hanging out so very few have seen my physical scars . It 's a very private pain . People ask how I 'm doing and I say I 'm fine or I 'm ok because I don 't think people really want to hear that I feel like I 'm drowning on dry land . I mean , life goes on right ? Should I be over this by now ? I don 't know how I 'll ever really get over it . I know one day the pain will lessen , I just don 't know when that day will come . My mind constantly feels like it 's moving in a hundred different directions at once . It makes it hard to sleep at night . And it 's at night , when I 'm completely alone with my thoughts that it hurts the worst . Even thought my pregnancy was still in the beginning stages , between 7 and 8 weeks , plans had already began to form in my mind and heart . It 's hard thinking about Christmas to come when just a couple of weeks ago , I thought we 'd be getting ready for a new arrival by then . Then I begin to blame myself . Is it because I wasn 't excited enough when I found out ? It was a complete shock after it taking so long to get pregnant with our two girls . I had only been not pregnant for 5 months . It started out like any Saturday morning with Charlotte playing and making noises and me not wanting to get up yet . A quick trip to the bathroom and the beginning of my terrible , horrible , no good , very bad day began . Anyone remember that book ? Well the title definitely fits . What most of you wont know is that about 3 weeks ago I found out that I was pregnant . It came as a shock considering that Charlotte is only 5 months old and it took me significant amounts of time to get pregnant with both girls . I never expected it to happen so fast . It took me a few days to get over my shock but we were happy and hoping for a boy this go around considering that I was planning on having my tubes tied after the c - section with this baby . Having two sections so close together and it being my third , I figured that my body couldn 't handle much more . At this point , I 'd only had blood work at the hospital lab to confirm the pregnancy . I hadn 't seen a doctor yet as the military has their own way of doing things . So when I noticed blood while I was in the bathroom I woke up my husband to take me to the emergency room and called my friend to watch our girls . After the girls were taken care of , off we went . The ER doctor explained that the bleeding could be cause by numerous things including miscarriage but at that point it would be hard to tell and most likely I would be sent home and come back on Monday to have repeat blood work to test my hormone levels . They needed to do several test there though including an ultrasound to rule out ectopic pregnancy . I had this done with Charlotte due to intense pain in my left ovary region which turned out to be a pretty large cyst on my ovary that went away by 20 weeks . So , I was sure that because I was having no pain that ectopic was most likely not the cause . The ultrasound took much longer than I anticipated and the only info the tech gave me was very cryptic in nature . I knew then that something was wrong . Once I was back in my room the nurse came in to recheck my vitals and I could tell by the way she acted that it wasn 't good news . Finally the ER doctor came in and confirmed my fears . It did indeed look like there was a mass near my right ovary and there was no evidence of anything in my uterus . They were calling the OB on call to come in and confirm and I would most likely be having surgery to remove my tube and my baby . The news was devastating and heart breaking . I never expected for my world to be rocked and turned upside down that Saturday morning . As a side note , I want to say that I am so thankful for the friendships in my life but this weekend confirmed for me that , it isn 't who you 've known the longest or how long you 've even known someone at all , there are just some people you meet that invest in your life and love you from the get - go . I 've only known Stephanie since February of this year and didn 't know her husband until Ryan 's unit came back from Afghanistan but these two are the best friends a girl could have . They took my girls in like their own and when things went south Stephanie left the kids in Bart 's hands and came and sat with me and Ryan until they took me back for surgery . They cooked us dinner and kept my girls overnight . I 'm not one to usually make friends quickly much less trust someone besides family to take care of my girls overnight but they love my girls like their own and I couldn 't ask for more . Thank you Stephanie and Bart . You made my horrible day a little less sucky and I 'll never forget that . The surgery went well , I guess you can say . The doctor came in and talked to me after I woke up in recovery but I don 't remember much . I should be having a follow up on Monday and I need to have another test since there seemed to be scarring on my left tube . We do not want a repeat of what happened yesterday . So I 'm resting and dealing the best I can . Right now everything seems surreal and I haven really felt the depth of what has happened to me . I 'm sure when that day comes it won 't be very pleasant . In the meantime my husband is taking good care of me and my friends are filling in for the family who can 't be here . At this point , our friends are our family and I 'm so grateful . In June , we will have been married for 11 years ! What ? It doesn 't seem possible when I think about it . I was a baby when I got married . I was only 20 years old and full of preconceived notions and fairytale dreams about marriage and what it was like . It didn 't matter how many marriage books my parent 's made me read or how many times my dad told me that " love is blind but marriage is an eye opener , " I still went in to marriage with the wrong idea , that somehow it was easy . The , " and they lived happily ever after , " is a big pile of cow manure if you ask me . I 'm sure there is not one married couple out there that will say they 've been happy every day that they 've been married . If they do , I say they are lying and you can 't change my mind . Ha ! Our marriage has had it 's fair share of dark days . Days where I wondered if it was really worth it at all . I 'm sure he would tell you the same thing . I am not an easy person to live with . I 'll admit it . I can be negative and moody . I speak without thinking . I 'm selfish and think only of my own needs and wants . I 'm not proud of it . I 'm ashamed really . In the last couple of years , I have really begun to see and try and change the negative things in my life . I 'm not saying I 've figured it out completely but half the battle is recognizing it , right ? Marriage is hard and if you really want it to work , you have to WORK ! It 's not in our nature to put other people 's needs above our own . We are born with an innate ability to look out for number one . Some people are better at it than others , I guess , but I 'm not one of those people . It 's sinful and shameful but it 's the truth . One sure fire way to turn things around in a marriage that is lacking is to start putting your spouse above yourself . Sometimes that means doing things that you do not want to do . At first , it will be hard and you may find yourself bitter about the situation but I promise , if you keep WORKING at it , one day you 'll find yourself doing something that you used to hate and realize that you are enjoying it . Not because it 's your thing but because you are doing it with your spouse and making them happy makes you happy . Funny how that works . Once you have the hang of that , you 'll find yourself looking for ways to make your spouse happy and can I just say , happy spouse , happy marriage . And my friends , they will reciprocate . Maybe not at first . They may wonder what you 're up to in the beginning ! If things have been difficult , you 've been difficult , they may be gun - shy but you keep it up , they 'll come around . Trust me , I know . In the beginning , when my husband joined the Army , people asked me all the time how I felt about it or why now ? He was 30 after all . If you graduated from a Christian college designed to prepare you for ministry and you join the military and not as a chaplain , you get weird looks and awkward silences . At first , it was hard to answer . It caught most people by surprise but the truth is , we 'd fought about him joining the military for years . It was just a mostly private war that few people knew about . I was completely against it . You can read all about my thoughts on him joining the Army and me becoming and Army wife here . But in the end , it was the right thing for him and the right thing for us . I know I 've posted a lot lately about my anxiety and depression over the last month waiting for him to come home from deployment . Yes , this past month has been particularly tough but I will still tell you that this was the right decision for our family . I have had more peace , more stability , more love for my husband in this season of life than any previously before . I came across this quote on Pinterest a while back and it sums up how I feel about him being in the Army , " you know you 've made the right decision when there is peace in your heart . " Peace ? Really ? Isn 't your husband in a war zone where people want to kill him ? Yes , yes he is but that still hasn 't erased the peace in my heart . I may be a mess right now but it 's not so much worry about him but just the all consuming need for him to be home and for our family to be whole again . Because you see , right now , this is not a dark day of marriage . The sun is shining , I 'm a better person , my husband is loving what he does , and we are truly best friends . It 's taken a lot of work to get us to this place and it will continue to take work , really hard work . But it 's worth it . It is SO WORTH IT ! I want to enjoy this season of our marriage together , not apart . At the end of this week , I 'll have been back in Louisiana for a month . On the days where both girls are crying , I 'm tired , and there are a million things to get done , I feel like I 've been here forever . I feel like there is no end in sight . On other days when the sun is shining ( a rare thing since we 've been back ) , everything is quiet , my girls are smiling and happy , and I feel OK , I 'm amazed at the length of time that has passed . I 'm amazed that I 've done it on my own . I knew coming back without my husband being home would be hard but there was just really no good time to come home and get our lives on a schedule before he comes back so we bit the bullet and just did it . It 's been good for us . I 've gotten things done and the house mostly in order . Abigail has gotten acclimated in a new school and Charlotte is finally comfortable in a new place and on a good routine . So now we are just waiting . Waiting is truly the hard part . Nearly three years ago , when we were in a different situation , we were in a waiting period and I was having a hard time . You can read about that here . Waiting has never been my strong suit . I get frustrated , irritated , and upset . I just want what I want and I want it now . It 's not a very Godly attitude and it 's something I constantly have to work on and pray about . I try and distract myself or find something else to do when the wait seems excessive . But when you are a stay at home mom ( which I wouldn 't trade for the world ) there is only so much cleaning , cooking , diaper changing you can do . So , I find myself sometimes with empty moments and in those moments my mind and heart are at war with each other . My mind tells me the facts , things I know to be true but my heart , it likes to ignore my mind and tell me something completely different . It makes me worry and feel frustrated . It reminds me that I 'm lonely and anxious . I then try and remind myself of the facts and let my mind be in charge but it 's easier said than done . I 'm ready , beyond ready , for this season of life to be over . I 'm ready for the elephant to get off my chest and for the rock in my stomach to disappear . I know , that we may find ourselves in a similar season again and maybe next time I 'll be stronger and more ready for what 's to come but for now , the end is near and I am extremely glad . One of the things that I 've been waiting on recently finally happened . I had thought all along , once this one things happens , I 'll feel better for sure . But I don 't . Not really . Now , I just have a new set of things to worry about and stress over . I guess in life , there are always things , no matter what your situation , that can drag you down , make you worry , fill mind and heart with stress and it 's what you do in those situations that matter . I 'm not proud of all my moments . There are times when I let it all control me instead of surrendering it and letting it go . But today , today is a new day . Today is a new chance to let it go and focus on the good . There is an old adage that when I 'm in the middle of letting the stress and anxiety control me , irritates me to no end but when I 'm thinking clearly , it 's a good reminder that better things are still to come . . . " This too shall pass . " And it shall . There will come a moment in time , when deployment will be officially over . My husband will be home and our family will be whole again . Maybe then , I 'll be able to look back over this time and see some good in it , instead of all the heartache , loneliness , sleepless nights , and anxiety that come at me from all sides now . So , for now , on this day , I 'm choosing to breathe deeply , finish my coffee , and focus on the good . Like the beautiful baby sleeping away in her swing . Today , I am sitting here , wishing my hubby would get online so I could talk with him . I really , honestly , do not know how wives did it back in the day when the only form of communication was handwritten letters . I cannot imagine , going weeks without hearing anything from my husband . I would have gone crazy ! Well , crazier than I already am . Ha ! Say what you will about technology , but I , for one , am extremely grateful for how far it 's come . Earlier this week , when I made my first post , I was feeling really down and anxious but after being able to Skype with my husband , see his face , and hear his voice , I felt refreshed and restored . I felt like I could make it through the rest of this deployment , however long we may still have . I never knew that the end of deployment would feel worse than the beginning . Yes , the beginning was heartbreaking . I remember sobbing in my vehicle as we drove away from him and Fort Polk , headed to spend deployment with my family . It was so hard to get myself under control but I knew that for mine and Abigail 's safety that it was necessary . I would be fine for an hour or so and then my mind would take me back to that moment , of walking away , not knowing when or if I 'd see him again and my heart would break all over and the tears would come . Also , the dumb radio stations I was listening to kept playing songs like " American Solider " and " Courtesy of the Red , White , and Blue " which did NOT help matters . It was probably because it was only a few days away from the fourth of July but it felt like torture . Here we are , nearing the end , and I feel worse than in the beginning . Not so much sad as anxious , irritated , and stressed out . I met with a photographer yesterday , who is a fellow Army wife , and she said it 's always the same with her . The beginning sucks but you 're figuring out how to live your life without your spouse and there is so much to be responsible for and take care of and so you do it . The end is different . The anticipation is suffocating . You are just ready for it to be over . It 's so close you can almost taste it but yet it 's still so far because there are so many Army protocols and rules and regulations . All there to protect you and your solider , of course , but infuriating none the less . Did I mention the photographer ? She 's amazing and she 's going to be taking pictures at the homecoming ceremony ! I am beyond EXCITED ! ! ! I really wanted to have someone else be in charge of the picture taking , because , well , I want to be in the moment ! I haven 't physically touched my husband in almost 8 months ! Abigail has not hugged her daddy in almost 8 months ! We have an almost 3 month old that has never been held by her daddy . I want to BE in that moment but I want the pictures , the proof that the moment happened , raw emotions and all . I am so thankful that she is going to be there to record this amazing moment in our lives . Today , I 'm going shopping for a homecoming outfit . I know that my husband could probably care less what I 'm wearing and probably won 't even notice but it matters to me . As I 'm sure it 's mattered to all military wives who 've been in this situation . I sort of had an idea in mind with some clothes I already had but when I actually tried the combo on together , it didn 't work out how I imagined so now I 'm back at square one . At least the kids outfits are taken care of . It 's funny how I never really felt the need to blog this whole time but now , I 'm so full of emotions and words that I just need to get them out . Thanks for listening . Thanks for caring . I leave you with the motto that I 've said to myself over and over this whole deployment and will continue to say because it 's the truth . . . " It is what it is ! " I know that . So , when I feel myself stressing or being overly anxious , I have to remind myself of that and remember that worrying won 't change anything . " 25 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life ? 26 If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that , why are you anxious about the rest ? " Luke 12 : 25 - 26 The last few days , I 've found my emotions full to the brim and nearly spilling over . I am weighed down by them . Just when I think I have things under control , the giant elephant of emotions flops down on my chest again and I can barely breathe . So much has happened since I last blogged back in August of last year . My husband had been gone to war for a little over a month . I was getting adjusted to living with my parents , my kid going to kindergarten , and being pregnant . The months sort of flew by . I am incredibly thankful for that . It seemed there was something to look forward to each month , which kept my mind off the fact that my husband was a million miles away and I had no clue when I 'd see him again . With the passing of time came November , Abigail turned six and our sweet Charlotte was born . The anxiety I felt then was huge . How was I going to go through a c - section without my husband physically there to hold my hand ? I had a lot of " what ifs " that ran through my mind the last few days leading up to her birth . Thankfully , technology , saved the day and with my mother by my side holding my iPad , I got to look into my handsome husband 's face , on the other side of the world , while my doctor and her team , took care of Charlotte . Being able to see and talk to him , calmed me greater than any of the medication they pumped into my IV . After a few days in the hospital , it was Thanksgiving day and time to bring Charlotte home . But really , it wasn 't her home . Our home was sitting empty in Louisiana . I am so thankful for my parent 's and all they have done for me during this deployment . Being there for us leading up to and after Charlotte 's birth is something I 'll never be able to repay . We celebrated Thanksgiving and then looked forward to Christmas . In the month between Charlotte 's birth and Christmas , I experienced some health issues . None of them super major but they left me feeling like I 'd never be the same again . We traveled to Georgia for Christmas and while it was a joy to be with my extended family , I never felt more alone than I did on Christmas day . I held it together most days . There was the occasional day that my emotions would sneak up on me , leaving me in tears , with no explanation other than , I was pregnant and I missed my husband . I didn 't break down during the birth of my daughter or the days afterward . I kept my mind on her and what she needed but Christmas day wore me down and knocked me out . That morning we were able to Skype with Ryan but instead of it bringing me joy , it made the pain I kept pushed down even more real . All of the emotions and realities of what we were going through came to the surface . I was miserable . I tried to control it the best I could during the call because I knew it wasn 't fair to him for me to break down and fall apart but once the call was over , I did . I never could muster much enthusiasm for the rest of the day . Once Christmas was over and we were back in Florida , time sped up again . Plans began to be made for the girls and I to return to Louisiana . Deployment was going to be over soon . Sooner than I 'd anticipated . Thankful that my husband would be returning soon but sad to leave behind my parent 's and my support system , we loaded up a u - haul with the things we had brought with us and the things we had accumulated over the past 8 months and made our way back to Fort Polk . But not on the day we had planned . The freak ice storm the day before left I - 10 closed for more than 24 hours . But soon we were on the road and on the way home . Because of our delay , my parent 's were unable to stay and help us get settled . My dad helped me unload the u - haul while my mom kept the girls occupied . The next morning , after breakfast and grocery shopping , they were on their way back to Florida and I once again found myself alone . Alone , with not one but two children . Solely responsible for their well - being . I had much to do to get my house in order so I focused on that and willed the tears to stay put . A day or so later , I had one of my health issues reoccur sending me to the emergency room , with two kids , alone . I struggled greatly with my emotions . But my mom reminded me that I am strong and that God is still in control . So I forged ahead taking care of the things that needed to be done . We 've been back nearly a month now and things have not been easy . Actually , it seems like it 's one thing after another that leaves me feeling broken , run down , tired , anxious , and lonely . I am so amazed at the military wives who have done it all alone the entire time . You , my friends , are some seriously strong and courageous people ! You deserve a medal ! I am in awe of you . Because , if you 've felt like this these last 8 months then I don 't know how you are holding it all together . I feel on the verge of breaking down at least twice a day . That 's where the elephant comes in . I know my husband is coming home soon . There is nothing else to look forward to , other than that , and the anticipation of it feels like it might kill me . I 'm not kidding . My chest is tight , tears are constantly in the corners of my eyes . I feel anxious , nervous , excited all at once . I just wish he could be home now because even though I know it 's close it still feels like it 's never really going to happen . I know you mean well and I thank you for your words but saying , " it 's almost over . Hang in there . You can do this , " actually does not help . Because until you 've actually walked in my shoes , you don 't know how I feel and telling me things that I already know only makes it feel worse . I 'm sorry if that seems mean or cruel but I need you to know . And yes , we chose this life , we knew deployment would be a part of our journey , but saying that doesn 't help either . You don 't really have to say anything just pray for me . I 'm only keeping it together by the grace of God and He 's the only one who can calm my heart and steady my emotions . Just because we chose this journey doesn 't mean I 'm not ready for this part to be over . Part of me is missing and I won 't feel whole until I have him back , safe , in my arms again ! Just typing it all out has relieved some of the weight of my emotions . Thank you for listening . Please pray for me , our girls , and my husbands safe return . Love to you all ! |
It took just over an hour to get there . I dutifully ignored the satnav and followed the brown rocket signs around the ring road , as advised on the website . Satnav was adamant that we should go throught the city centre . I rather wish we had , as it was a lot quicker going home this route ! Thankfully the carpark is only a short walk from the entrance to the Space Centre , but you do have to pay £ 2 to park . I would definitely advise booking tickets online in advance . When we got there , we didn 't have to queue at all , as we could just go straight to the pre - booked ticket collection desk to get our tickets . Booking online also means that you can choose which showing of the planetarium show you want to see , rather than getting given whatever is left when you get there . It worked perfectly for us , as we had a little look around when we got there before going in for our showing , and then had lunch when we came out , so no hanging around waiting for a late show . It was £ 13 for an adult and under - 5s were free , so both my boys went in for free ( W is 5 and a bit , but shhhh don 't tell anyone ! ) Once in , you needed to keep your tickets handy , as there are lots of interactive exhibits that you can scan your ticket on and it then stored information on your ticket . For example , in the Tranquility Base section , you could untertake lots of different astronaut training activities such as moonwalk practise . At the end , you scanned your ticket and it brought up all the tasks you had completed and then produced a crew card and postcard of your moonwalk that you could have emailed to you to print at home . Great fun ! The ground level had all the usual space stuff - info on being an astronaut , all about the planets , stars , black holes , space exploration etc . There was also an area with people giving talks at various times during the day . For half term , the topic was Women in Science . We listened to a bit about the first woman in space ( Valentina Tereshkova , if you 're interested ) , and a bit of the Horrible History of Women in Science . Both were very interesting and well presented , but my two are a little too young and got bored after a few minutes . Throughout the ground level are various dressing - up points aimed at the under - 5s , where they can dress up as an astronaut , a star , an alien or a scientist . My two loved it ! There were also lots of those things you stand behind and put your face through a hole to have a photo taken , which was also a bit hit with my two ! Upstairs is all about rockets . They have a Thor missile on display , which is very impressive . You can take a glass lift up alongside it to various viewing platforms , to get a better look and learn more about rockets , missiles and the space race . We did this just before we left , and the queue for the lift was not bad at all . There is a large self - service cafe serving soup and a large range of sandwiches and baguettes , cakes , crisps e c . I 'd brought a packed lunch each for the boys , but got myself a sandwich from the ca e . I was impressed with how much seating they had for the cafe and how clean and well - serviced it w s . In fact , the whole centre was very clean and well - staff d . The boys particularly liked the toilets , which were space themed , with automatic washbasins built into the walls which automatically squirted soap , water and hot a The planetarium show was called " We Are Aliens " and was all about the possiblity of there being life on other planets . It was a great show , but I would have liked a more traditional planetarium experience of the planets and stars . There was a later showing like that , but the queues were enormous , as it was not bookable in advance . Considering it is halfterm , I was amazed at how quiet it was . I was expecting the place to be packed and huge queues for all the interactive exhibits , but it wasn 't , which was great ! I did notice that there were far more little boys there than little girls . I guess space is something that must appeal more to boys than girls ! All in all , a very enjoyable day out . G wants to go back again , and said we can go for my birthday next week . When I said I didn 't want to do that for my birthday , he had a huge tantrum ! So I have promised we can go back for his birthday next year ! There was the usual whining and fighting over whose turn it was to press buttons / have their photo taken / look through a telescope / whose feet were hurting most / whose legs were aching etc * ( * delete as appropriate ) which always drives me potty , but that seems to be par for the course on days out ! W was extremely excited to be going to see Epic in 3D . We have been avoiding watching anything in 3D of late , due to the extra expense and the fact that G spends most of the film with the glasses off ( like today ! ) . I think W was actually a little disappointed with the 3D experience today , and spent the first half hour of the film complaining loudly to me that his glasses weren 't working as " nothing is popping out of the screen at me " ! The novelty of 3D does seem to wear off after a few minutes , as your eyes and brain just adjust to watching it that way , and it ceases to amaze or enthrall you . The adverts you see in the cinema for 3D films are always way more 3D than the film is in reality - things flying out of the screen towards you , and the feeling that you could reach out and touch it ! I think that 's what W was expecting , and although I found it was lovely to watch in 3D , I can see why he was disappointed . The film itself felt vaguely familiar . It was a bit of a cross between " The Spiderwick Chronicles " and " Tinkerbell and the Great Fairy Rescue " . Many , many similarities in plot between the three films ! Despite this dejavu , I enjoyed the film ( despite the trials and tribulations of having 2 children with me ! ) . But I pretty much enjoy any film at the cinema to be honest - I just love the whole experience , especially the enormous popcorn and fizzy drink ! G was a little underwhelmed by the whole thing though . He took his glasses off after about 10 minutes , and then dropped them twice on the floor - cue lots of rummaging and scrabbling around under the seats looking for them , as despite not wanting to wear them , he still wanted them , and I think the whole cinema knew it too ! He also managed to tip his popcorn over twice . Those cinema cleaners certainly had their work cut out for them cleaning our row of seats today ! Then there was his usual figeting - up and down in his seat , wanting to sit on my lap , then wanting to sit in his seat , then on his knees etc etc . Thankfully there was no - one sat in front of us , as the seats got a lot of kicking and pulling ! G 's antics coupled with W 's repeated toilet trips ( where we all have to go with him ) , meant I missed some of the crucial plot twists . But as it was certificate U , the plot wasn 't so complicated that I couldn 't follow it , even for me ! During term time ( and a lot of the rest of the time too to be honest ! ) , I find myself constantly shouting " QUICKLY ! " , " COME ON ! " , " HURRY UP ! " and " WE ' LL BE LATE ! " . But these phrases seem to mean very little to a 3 year old , as he completely ignores me and carries on with whatever he is doing at his usual snail 's pace . It is one of the things that drives us mad the most - being ignored by our children ! Getting to school on time requires lots of use of these phrases . Even more so on the days when I do 2 drop offs at different places - G to nursery at 8 . 45am and W to school for 8 . 55am . Every second counts on these mornings , as leaving even a minute late means having to park further away which means it takes longer to get back to my car which means we are late getting W to school ! So holidays at least means we don 't have all the mad dashing around . It 's also nice not to have days that end at 3pm . My whole day revolves around school timings , so once 3pm arrives , that 's pretty much it for the day - downhill through supper , school reading and bathtime . This week , we have had a bank holiday , and also husband has Friday off , so we actually only have 3 days to fill . I managed to last until midday today before giving in to the pester - power of getting the paints out ! W is a prolific creater of art , and we are constantly having to clear out his ' masterpieces ' into the recyle bin under the cover of darkness . After 10 minutes , and about 10 pictures , he decided he wanted to do glueing and sticking instead ! I 'm now left with a sink full of paint pots , brushes etc to clear up . Isn 't this what they go to school for - to paint , glue , chalk to their hearts delight , so that their poor parents no longer have to put up with the mess at home ? ? ? Thankfully G , the little one , is not so bothered about arts and crafts , and was having his nap at the time , as he is a total liability with the glue and paint , and seems to apply it to every surface and orifice other than the paper ! We spent the afternoon under a blanket on the sofa ( where 's the sun gone ? ) , with popcorn , watching " Annie " on DVD . G kept telling me he couldn 't hear the telly as I was singing too loud ! Tomorrow we have a trip to the cinema planned to see Epic . I splashed out and booked us 3D tickets , purely because that was the viewing time that suited us best . W loves a bit of 3D , but G is not so bothered and last time didn 't even wear the glasses for most of the film ! So tomorrow will be mostly taken up with eating our body weights in popcorn and fizzy pop . First stop was the food hall in the old stabl s . Although there were only a few stands , I think they were much better than at the show yesterd y . We practically bought half their sto k ! We came away from there with 3 pounds of sausages ( buy 2lb get 1free ! ) , 2 bags of fudge ( one of which was sea salt tablet - to die for ! ) , 2 slabs of rocky road , more pork scratchings ( can 't enough of those salty , crunchy morsels - my secret snack shame ! ) , 2 bunches of fresh British asparagus , 2 dozen eggs , and for our lunch 2 sausage rolls , a game pie , a bacon & cheese pasty , 4 caramel slices and 4 flapjack ! ! Ph w ! Lucky we had the buggy with us to carry all our purchas The rest of the stables was full of antique & craft stalls , so we gave these a quick peruse before heading out to the rest of the show . There were loads of vintage cars , steam engines , tractors , motorbikes , army vehicles etc etc as well as many traditional crafts such as blacksmiths , wood turners , rope makers , bee - keepers etc . W in a Messerschmitt Again , the boys were pretty well behaved , despite being cold ( after yesterday , they had shorts and t - shirts on again , but it was much cooler today and very wind ! ) We are very lucky that G still has an afternoon nap , and so with only a little encouragement he climbed back into the buggy with his muslin and went to sleep for an ho r . It makes it a whole lot easier when you only have one child to entertain and keep track of whilst walking around these plac Having grown up on a farm in the Welsh countryside , I have been to many , many agricultural and country shows in my time ! I love browsing the stalls , especially the food tents which usually have plenty of samples on offer . The boys have been to a fair few too in their short lives , as every August we head down to my parents ' in Pembrokeshire to the Pembrokeshire Agricultural Show ( a 3 day extravaganza , second only to the Royal Welsh Show in Wales ! ) The show is on for two days - today ( Sunday ) , and bank holiday Monday . I have to say , they are very lucky with the weather , as if the weather was anything like it was here on Friday , it would have been a total washout . Instead , we had a lovely few hours strolling around in the warm sun , but with a nice cool breeze so that we never felt too hot . The boys were exceptionally well behaved , which made a huge difference to our enjoyment of the day . So often , one or both of them have a tantrum about something or start whining which in turn puts husband and me in a bad mood too . But even when we said they couldn 't go on the fair rides until we had had a look around , they were as good as gold , and patiently waited until we were on the way back to the car . It probably helped that we fed them with lots of treats all the way around ( hot sugary donuts , pick ' n ' mix sweets & pork scrachings ! ) - probably the worst things a child can eat in terms of sugar , salt & fat content , but hey , it worked a dream on their behaviour ! I have to say , I have never seen so many dogs in one place before ! Practically every person had a dog or two in tow ! Not great when one of your children is scared of dogs . And these weren 't small dogs either - many were taller than the children and seemed to want to give them a good sniff . I 'm not a big dog - lover either - I don 't mind them , but I definitely don 't fawn over them like a lot of people do ! All in all , a lovely day in beautiful surroundings . They boys finally got their fair rides - W on the trapese trampoline , and G on the swing seats . We finished off the day with a quick stroll around Stamford ( beautiful , picturesque town , well worth a visit ) and supper at McDonald 's ! Finally ! No more light streaming in our bedroom at the crack of dawn every day . No more freezing cold bedroom ( hopefully ! ) . No more baby black - out blind suckered to our window . We finally have curtains ! A roman blind and a curtain with covered pelmet to be precise ! When we moved in , our bedroom had some rather hideous curtains up . A dark maroon coloured brocade fabric , with a fringed pelmet ( ! ) , that finished about 6 inches short of the floor , thereby completely failing at their intended job of shutting out the morning light , and keep the warm air in ! Unfortunately ( or fortunately ! ) I don 't have a photo of them . As soon as we started having the bedroom re - done last August ( new built - in cupboards , coving and redecoration ) those nasty curtains came down , and the baby black - out blind went up . It 's one of those travel blinds , that have suction pads to stick to the window , so that you can make baby 's bedroom dark wherever you may be . Little did I know how useful it would be long - term , and that it would be used non - stop for 9 months ! After Christmas , I finally got around to visiting the interiors shop in our local town to look at curtain fabric . They came out to measure - up and give advice on what sort of fabric and colours they thought might work in our room , which is painted in " Elephant Breath " . If you 've ever wondered what colour an elephant 's breath is , I can tell you that it is a kind of greige - in some lights it is a warm grey , and in others is almost brown . ( You 've gotta love those funny folk over at Farrow & Ball who think up the colour names ! ) . I collected a few fabric books from them to take home to look at . Which I did . . . . repeatedly . . . for weeks on end ! Finally , I decided on two fabrics ( with the help of husband ) - one for the blind and a different one for the curtains . I 'm a little scared of prints and patterns , as I always worry that I will soon get bored of them . The fabric books showed pictures of beautiful curtains and blinds in mix and match patterns , but I decided that as they were going to be pretty expensive , I didn 't want something that would date or that I might get bored of , or anything that would make it difficult to change the decor of the rest of room . I had in mind some sumptuous curtains , so chose a taffeta fabric in a browny grey - not too shiny , but shiny enough to give a bit of glamour to the room . We went for some pattern for the blind - a geometric shape ( almost a giraffe print ) with a slight trim of bright pink to match some of the colour in our rugs in the room , and to brighten the colour scheme of the room a little . They also made a fabric covered pelmet , using the taffeta curtain fabric and trimming it with the blind fabric . Both the blind and curtains are lined with very thick interlining , so we 're hoping this will make a huge difference in the winter , as our bedroom was one of the coldest rooms in the house last winter ! The finished result is lovely . It adds the perfect finish to the room . It 's hard to get a good picture to do them justice , due to the light from the window and my lack of camera skills ! For husband 's birthday this week , we had a special birthday supper of steak , garlic mushroom and asparagus . I saw a recipe for this asparagus somewhere , and gave it a go . I love asparagus , and the addition of lemon zest , parmesan and breadcrumbs took it to another dimension . I generally keep a bag of breadcrumbs in the freezer ( made from leftover stale bread ) for topping pasta dishes etc . I think this lemony , cheesy breadcrumb mixture could be used for loads of dishes - coating a piece of chicken breast , topping some fish etc , so I will be making up a bag of this for the freezer ! 4 . Dunk the asparagus in the egg , a few at a time , and then into the breadcrumb mixture . Make sure they are coated all over before putting in the roasting tin . The first time it happened , G was about 7 months old , and we were at a ' Music with Mummy ' class . While I was putting my coat on , he suddenly leaned back ( thinking I was still sat on the floor behind him ) and hit his head on the floor . It was carpet , and I knew he hadn 't seriously hurt himself , but he screamed and then went silent . After a second or two of him being silent and floppy , he suddenly started crying again and was then fine . I didn 't think too much of it until a few weeks later when it happened again . He was sitting on his bedroom floor playing while I put his clothes away . He overreached for a toy and toppled over sideways . Again , he screamed and then after a few seconds went silent . This time I was watching him carefully . He screamed , and then at the point where a child would normally take a deep breath to give another bellow , he didn 't or couldn 't take a breath . His face was frozen in a silent scream , his eyes looked panicked and then he went deathly pale , floppy and seemingly unconscious . An eternity later ( but actually only a few seconds ) , with me shouting his name , blowing in his face , pinching his cheeks etc , he opened his eyes and started crying again . He was then VERY drowsy and pale for a good half hour , before the colour started to come back . I mentioned it to the health visitor , who just said it was " breath holding " and he would grow out of it . After another couple of episodes over the next few months , the big one happened . He was about 13months old , and still showing no signs of moving at all . We 'd dropped big brother at nursery at 8am and come home . He was sitting on the sofa with some books . As I leaned over to pick him up to take him into the kitchen for breakfast , he leapt towards me and did a kind of forward roll off the sofa onto the mat on the floor . I swept him up quickly and he went into a breath - holding episode . Except this time he didn 't regain consciousness after a couple of seconds . About a minute went by of me trying to bring him round and I knew something was wrong , so I lay him on the floor and dialled 999 . The ambulance came within 5 minutes , by which time he had come round . The 999 operator had transferred me to a paramedic who had kept me talking the whole time , talking me through putting him in the recovery position etc . When the ambulance crew arrived at the door , they had a camera - crew in tow ( something they had omitted to tell me on the phone ! ) . They were filming for emergency rescue or one of those sort of real - life docu - dramas , and did I mind being filmed ? Well apart from the fact that I 'd thought my baby was dead , I hadn 't yet had a shower and looked like a greasy scarecrow ! I was told to pack a bag with nappies , food , milk etc for him , as he would need to be taken to hospital to be checked over . They got it into their heads that it was a head injury due to the fall and didn 't seem to be listening to me about the breath - holding thing . By the time I had run around gathering a few things , G was fine and beaming at all the camera crew , paramedics etc . I phoned husband quickly to let him know what was happening , leaving a message on his mobile ( he later arrived at the hospital in a major panic , as he had only listened to the first part of my message which said " G fallen off sofa , unconscious , called an ambulance , on our way to hG has been fine ever since , but it was still a frightening experience . I usually leave him a few seconds when he falls or hurts himself , until I hear him take another breath after the first cry , as it seems to be the sweeping him up mid - cry that shocks him . On this most recent occasion , in my haste to get them upstairs for their bath , I wasn 't really thinking . I really hope he grows out of this soon , as it is not an experience I want to repeat any time soon . So far today I have made a batch of Peanut Butter Cup , Pretzel and Chocolate Chip cookies , and a batch of Double Chocolate Chip Oaty Cookies . Both of these are for husband to take in to work tomorrow for his birthday . I will also be making a few Smarties choc chip cookies later - some for husband to take to work , and some for a cake sale at school . I 'll post some recipes up this week , if I remember ! Cookies seems to be my latest bake - cra e . They are very rewarding to make , as they are quick , easy , make a lot and the Aga bakes them fairly well ( no worrying about them rising / sinking / soggy bottom et ) . Also , EVERYONE likes a cookie , even if they don 't much like ca e . And of course , you can 't beat a bit of uncooked cookie dough to nibble on - I reckon I could eat the whole bowl without ever cooking I found out yesterday that an old school friend has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer . She is the same age as me ( 37 ) , has 3 small children under 6 which have all been breastfed , and has no family history of it . She went to the doctor about a back problem , and mentioned in passing that one of her breasts fell a bit hard . The doctor referred her for tests to be on the safe side , and they found a very large lump , which had been there for a while . She is shortly to start chemo . She seems to be dealing with it all exceedingly well , and has a very positive attitude , so fingers crossed all will be well eventually . This news totally shocked me , as I do have a family history of breast cancer . My granny died of it , and two of my aunts have recently been treated for it ( and succesfully fought it so far ) . It seems to be late - onset breast cancer as all three have not developed it until their 70s and early 80s . Here is my dilemma . Do I keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best , and deal with it if and when it comes ( most likely not for a few decades yet ) ? Or do I try and get one of those genetic tests done that tells you the likelihood of you developing it ? Angelina Jolie has been all over the media this week , regarding her decision to have a double mascectomy . I think she is an inspiration . For someone so keenly in the public eye , whose career is largely based on the way she looks , I think it is an immenely brave thing to do . By writing about it , she has single - handedly brought breast cancer awareness to the masses . Isn 't it amazing how entrenched the Internet has become in our everyday lives ? No - one seems untouched by it . Every newsworthy event in every part of the world seems to be accompanied by mobile - phone footage , tweets etc . I truly don 't know how I would survive without the Internet these days . I buy pretty much everything online , apart from groceries ( I do the occasional online order , but generally prefer to browse the supermarket shelves myself ) . This week it is a friend 's birthday , so I went online and ordered her a present to be delivered straight to her , and then ordered a personalised card to be delivered straight to her too . So much easier than trekking to the shops , parking , traipsing around the shops to find a present and card , taking it home , wrapping it , then traipsing to the post office to post it , by which time it is already the day before the person 's birthday , and Royal Mail 1st Class is unlikely to get it there on time , so I end up having to pay for Special Delivery ! ! Before children , when I was working full - time , the only time I could get to the shops was on a Saturday when they were rammed , so I used to do a lot of Internet shopping ( especially at Christmas ) . Once I had children , I realised that shopping was now one of those tasks that you avoided doing at all costs with baby / small child in tow , as the window of opportunity in a day was so small - timing had to be absolutely perfect in order to make sure baby / child wasn 't tired / hungry / bored / needed a poo etc . So I shopped online even more . Internet shopping is definitely the friend of the busy parent ! I find buying online is usually cheaper too . I know that I have probably had a hand in the death of the high street , but when I know I can get the same goods online for a fraction of the cost , and don 't have to brave the one - way systems and extortionate parking prices of the town centres , then I know which one I am always going to choose ! If I can 't get it on Amazon or eBay , then it 's just not worth having ! Since we moved house , online shopping has become even more important to me . I suddenly find myself 20 minutes from the nearest supermarket rather than 5 minutes . The local large towns all take about 20 - 30 minutes to get into the centre , and are pretty big sh * t holes if I 'm honest - very run down with wall to wall charity shops and pound lands . Don 't get me wrong - I LOVE a pound shop , but it 's nice to have a few other shops to choose from too ! Our local small town ( walking distance from our village ) has a few small shops ( butcher , baker , post office , greetings card shop , newsagent ) but not great for finding a last minute birthday present . Thankfully a new independent toy shop has just opened , so at least children 's birthday presents will be sorted from now on ! But the Internet is not just about online shopping . The communication it has enabled is just phenomenal . Families on opposite sides of the world can have daily face - to - face chats using Skype . Facebook enables you to show your holiday snaps to all those old school friends that you haven 't seen or spoken to for 30 years ! Twitter allows you to know what your favourite celebrity is eating for breakfast ! Life seems to be broadcast live via social media these days . When I was at university ( many moons ago . . . well the mid to late 90 's ) , I remember having to go to the " email lab " to send and receive emails . It was a strange , formidable place full of hardcore geeks . I had no idea what to do , and only went there to accompany an American friend who was on an exchange visit and who regularly sent emails to her family back home . It 's amazing to think that that was only 18 years ago . The Internet has basically taken off in the last 18 years . With the rise of smart phones and tablets , the Internet is constantly at our finger tips , any time of night or day . We don 't even have to wait for the PC or laptop to start up in order to google how old Tom Jones is whilst watching The Voice on a Saturday night - we just reach over , pick up the ipad / iphone / other device and tippity tap , the answer is there . I manage ALL of our finances online . I can check credit card balances , bank transactions , ISA performances etc at the touch of a button . I can view our electricity tarif and usage and submit meter readings online . I can get quotes for car or home insurance after a couple of minutes of form filling instead of the endless phoning around and answering the same questions over and over . I can see at a glance what the best savings account / mortgage / credit card is . All of these things used to take a long time to manage before the Internet . * I no longer phone my friends very often . I already know the ins outs of their daily lives , places they 've visited , funny things their child has said this week etc etc from facebook . If we 're lucky , we may exchange emails ! * Pinterest is bad for my health . I have pinned so many things that I would like to cook / make / sew that if I were to do all of them , I would be fully employed for the rest of my life . Some of the stuff on there makes me feels seriously inadequate ! * Online fraud . No matter how stringent virus protection and security is , there are people out there able to manipulate it , and there always will be . We have been victims of credit card fraud in the past , but thankfully I picked it up almost immediately due to being able to check our accounts online ! The positive impacts far outweigh the negatives though ! Our children are growing up , never having known a world without the Internet . Our 3 year old has been using my iphone and ipad since he was 1 . He is fully competent at using BBC iplayer to watch a particular cbeebies programme . The older one , is addicted to youtube , where he watches lots of clips about moshi monsters . It seems to be intuitive to them . This is their world . A world where they have everything at their fingertips . Posted by We hired the village hall ( at the bargain price of £ 8 per hour ) as we didn 't fancy 20 - 30 kids aged 3 - 5 , plus a few parents , rampaging around the house . However , as the event drew nearer , and we had had only a few acceptances , we started to wonder if it was worth bothering with the hall after all . I am astounded at how many people didn 't bother to reply to the invitation at all , leaving me in limbo as to how many to cater for , how many party bags to do etc . I 'd invited all of the children who are in the same 2 sessions as our little one at nursery , but I don 't even know who most of them are or who the parents are . I guess that if the parents don 't know who we are , then they don 't bother to come to the party . Such a shame , as I was really hoping it would enable us to meet some more families from the village . Oh well . . . If you are ever stuck for a party theme for a 3 + year old , then Superheroes is a winner . I found SO much stuff on the internet for cake ideas , party games , party bag filler etc . Due to the all the recent films and the ones being released soon ( Spiderman , Ironman , Batman , The Avengers , Superman ) , there is tons of branded party stuff around . For the cake , I thought I 'd keep it simple with a Superman logo . However , my icing skills are not up to much , and I was rushing too much . The finished result was ok , but not my finest creation ! Where possible I tried to theme the party food too ! I 'd ordered a Batman cookie cutter from Ebay ages ago , but when it arrived it was way too big to make biscuits with , so I decided to cut the sandwiches out with it instead . It worked brilliantly ! The 3 year olds didn 't really get the party games , but bumbled along with it all . The older ones however , showed steely determination to win each game ! We did the following games : Musical Superheroes - I printed some superhero logos ( spiderman , Superman , Batman and Wonder Woman ) and laminated them . They were scattered around the floor , and when the music stopped they had to find a logo to stand on . The one with no logo to stand on was out ( a bit like musical chairs ) . The laminating turned out to be a bad idea , as the first round or two saw a couple of them almost breaking a limb as they leapt onto the logo and the thing skidded off across the floor ! Pass the Kryptonite - a managed to find a giant green glowstick for 99p ( bargain ! ) . This was passed around the circle . When the music stopped , whoever was holding the kryptonite was out . A kind of reverse pass - the - parcel . It took a little while for the children to grasp that they DIDN 't want to be holding the kryptonite when the music stopped ! Destroy the Bombs - lots of balloons blown up , including some black ones . Some had a sweet inside the balloon . The superheroes have to detonate all the bombs that an evil villain has dropped . They loved this game - being allowed to jump on balloons to burst them , and get sweets ! Chase the Baddie - a baddie ( the older brother of one of the guests who was happy to relieve husband of this role ! ) had stolen the bag of sweets and the superheroes had to chase him to catch him . When the music stopped , the first one to touch the baddie got a sweet from his stolen loot ! This was our little one 's favourite game ! We played it after the food , and it really helped wear them all out and get rid of the sugar rush ! All in all , we had a fun time . The two boys loved it , and that was why I went to the trouble . Sometimes I wonder why I go to all the effort ( and expense ) of doing themed parties every year , but the boys love it and I love the planning ! I 'm already planning the Moshi Monster party our eldest has requested for September ! So , my cover as Wilfing Mum has been blown ! I have been found out by husband ! Although it was never my attention to keep this blog a secret , as I am just starting out with it , I thought I would just see how I got on with blogging before telling anyone about it . However , husband was having a discussion with a work colleague about the term " Wilfing " and they googled it . Up popped a picture of our son linking to my blog ! Husband got the shock of his life ! ! So a big hello to my husband ( who is now an avid reader of my blog ! ) and his work colleagues . Hope you enjoy what you have read so far and continue to read my future posts . You never know , I may divulge some juicy gossip about husband one day ! ! The title of this post says it all really . I LOVE my converse ( all 4 pairs of them ! ) , and am a little addicted to wearing them . They are like wearing slippers for me , with the added bonus of being able to leave the house in them without people looking at me strangely ! The boys both have at least one pair too . Theirs are the boot version ( Chuck Taylor hi - tops ) , whereas mine are the shoe variety ( Ox lace ) . The two boys have recently become as obsessed as me with their cons , ever since they spotted Doctor Who wearing a pair ( David Tennant 's Doctor rather than Matt Smith ) . Since then , they have spotted Mr Maker in a pair , Sid from CBeebies and Dracula 's daughter Mavis in Hotel Transylvannia , to name but a few ! My love for my cons grew recently when I discovered they can be machine - washed to come out looking like new ! My first two pairs ( green and red ) were looking decidedly shabby , and I feared I would have to retire them off . But then I stumbled upon a pin on Pinterest ( of course ! ) about how to clean Converse and similar canvas shoes . So I gave it a try , thinking I had nothing to lose if they came out totally unwearable . Method : 2 . Wipe any mud from the rubber trim of the shoes and wash on a cool wash ( I did mine at 30 degrees ) with some towels . Don 't use the spin cycle . Husband has always been very anti - Converse . He doesn 't mind the rest of his family wearing them , but he point - blank refused to get any himself . Until recently ! I convinced him to try on a pair of mine ( sadly , we have the same size feet - mine are very large for a woman and his are pretty small for a man ! ) , and he could not believe how comfortable they were ! ! He has now said that he would wear a pair if he were to receive some for his birthday . So , the search is on for a green pair of Chuck Taylors for his 40th birthday next week ! It 's back ! It seems to have snuck up really slowly and quietly before bursting out over the top of my jeans this morning ! It 's the dreaded muffin - top ! ! I first developed a major problem with the muffin - top after having my second child . I was still able to wear all my pre - pregancy clothes , I just had a nasty overhang of flesh around the top of waistbands . I tried a bigger size , but that was too big ( which I was VERY glad about , as it was pretty de - moralising having to take a size 16 off the rack to the changing room ! ) I tried a looser belt hole , but my jeans kept slipping down , and a baggy backside is not a good look ! While I was still breastfeeding through the autumn and winter , it was fairly easy to hide the muffin - top under loose - fitting tops and jumpers . Once Spring approached , and my brother 's wedding in the July , I knew something had to be done to banish the nasty muffin - top . So I started going to Zumba classes with a couple of friends and ate sensibly by keeping a food diary . I managed to shift a few pounds , but still really needed to lose half a stone . Then I discovered the 30 day shred and the Dukan Diet . The combination of these two really kicked the muffin - top into touch . All my clothes fitted better , and I even fit into some size 12 stuff ! I relaxed a little over what I was eating , and the exercise ( other than Zumba ) tailed off . But I wasn 't putting weight on , so was happy . Then we moved house . . . ! No more Zumba with my friends . A freezing cold house with an aga , which made me want to eat stodge and casseroles all the time . To get used to the aga , I practised making lots of different cakes ( and eating them ! ) I no longer walk to school every day as the walk is a good bit further , so only do it a few times a week . Recently , I seem to crave sugar , and binge on chocolate , biscuits , cake and bread . Generally I have been comfort eating , which started to ease the stress of the move . ( I blame Pinterest a little bit too , as I keep seeing amazing looking cake and sweet - stuff recipes which I just can 't resist trying ! ) I 've felt a need to address my eating habits for a little while , especially since Spring finally arrived . Putting my jeans back on this morning after a couple of days of wearing loose fitting skirts & tops in the sunny weather , was a bit of a shock . The muffin - top seems to have won the battle . But the war is not over yet . Time to attack my muffin - top . . . Over the winter , our house is so cold , that in the evenings all we want to do is snuggle down in front of the fire to keep warm and avoid leaving the room at all costs ! I 've tried to sit at my sewing machine which is in a different part of the house , but after only a few minutes I lose all feeling in my fingers and toes due to the cold ! So evening productivity ( after the boys are in bed ) reduces to pretty much zero . So last night ( Monday ) was to be our first night . But we hit an early stumbling block in our new regime - the snooker finals and Stoke v Sunderland ! So some caveats have had to be added : UPDATE 8th May 2013 - more football on last night , so husband still not had a TV free night . He did turn it off after the football had finished and we both had an early night ! I got lots of party planning done for 3yr old 's birthday party on Saturday . We always thought ( my husband and I ) that once we started a family , I would stop work to bring up the children . I worked long hours in a senior position in a small company and I couldn 't see how I could give my full attention to both my work and my baby . Fate gave me a helping hand , and around the time I found out I was pregnant , I was also made redundant ( something that we had known was coming at some point as the company was up for sale ) . I temped in London for another 6 months before the baby was born , but knew that I wouldn 't be going to back to work for the foreseeable future . The guilt started to kick in once the friends I had made , through the NCT ante - natal group , went back to work . A couple of them went back full - time and the rest negotiated part - time hours . I was the only one being a SAHM . I watched them struggle with their guilt about leaving their babies with childminders and nurseries , and their constant juggling of work and home - life , and felt immense guilt . There was also the feeling of getting to the end of day and feeling like I had achieved nothing . The house was a tip and the cupboards bare - what had I been doing all day ( and I 'm sure husband thought the same thing when he came home at night ! ) . Not having the structure of work and the sense of having achieved something tangible was very difficult . The fact that I was feeding and nurturing a small person seemed to illude me ! As my boys get older and more independent , the guilt changes . My husband picked me up on the something the other day - he asked why I was brushing our 5yr old 's teeth , why wasn 't he doing it himself . I replied that he may not clean them thoroughly enough . His response was " if you keep doing it for him then he never will learn how to do them properly " . He was right of course . I 've thought long and hard about it and have come to the conclusion that I have continued to do things like brush their teeth , put their shoes on , get them dressed etc ( all things a 5yr should definitely be doing , if not a 3yr old ! ) , because I 've always seen these things as my " job " and if I no longer do them , what should I be doing instead ? So I was feeling guilty if I didn 't carry out these day - to - day caring duties , but now feel guilty that I haven 't been teaching the boys how to be independent and not lazy lumps ! Our youngest starts pre - school in September and will be doing 3 full days a week . A few family and friends have asked what I will do with myself . And it 's a good question . Part of me is relishing the idea of some time to myself to get stuck in to some craft project , sewing or decorating around the house . But a big part of me feels guilt . I 'd like another baby ( husband not so keen though ! ) , but is that desire driven by the need to try to assuage my guilt - if I have a new baby to look after I won 't feel guilty about being at home every day ! Re - reading this now , I 've come to the conclusion that my guilt is owed largely to having given up my career . I studied for 3 years for my degree , then for another 4 years to get my chartered accountancy qualification . A little voice in my head says " what a waste " ! I feel that as I 've stopped work to be at home full - time I should be filling every minute of my day with household and childcare duties , and when I 'm not , that is when the quilt kicks in . I am so much happier being a home - maker that I ever was at work . I was never hugely ambitious , but went through the paces of getting a professional qualification because I was academic and that 's what was expected of me . Going back to work is still not a realistic alternative at the moment , as the boys are still young . Even when they are both at school , there is the nightmare of school holidays , sickness etc to cover , when we have no family anywhere near us to help out . But everyone still asks me when I am going back to work ! Women seem to feel this kind of guilt far more than men . I 've never heard a dad express their guilt over going to work every day and leaving their baby in daycare . I never see my husband feeling guilty because he hasn 't played football in the garden with the boys all week due to working late every night . Men see it as their duty to go to work and provide for the families , and therefore work often takes priority . Women seem to be caught in the middle of careers and family , and whichever they opt for or any compromises they make to accommodate both , make them feel some form of guilt . For now , I need to try to enjoy my position as a full - time mum to my two boys and stop feeling so guilty about everything . My husband enjoys the fact that he doesn 't have to lift a finger around the house , something that would have to change drastically if I ever did go back to work ! |
I know that I have been down right horrible about posting on any kind of regular basis here lately . I 've been horrible about picking up my camera on a regular basis which I 'm sure is helping to keep me from posting . Anyway , it has been a year of so many things I 'm not sure that I could sum it all up in just a quick posting , so I will pass on trying to . I do hope that everyone has a great start to 2010 . Stay safe , enjoy and maybe I 'll find the motivation to pick up my camera and start shooting again here soon . Happy New Year ! Bring on 2010 ! Christmas eve , originally uploaded by torri _ g . We are at one hour and ten minutes till Christmas day , and I figured any picture and post was better than nothing at all . It has been a very busy week here with shopping , baking , and just a little of everything else that can be thought of , but finally there is slow down time . I suppose if I wasn 't so tired I could maybe come up with more than I 've had a wonderful day , but I am very tired . I do have just enough energy to say this though . . . I love Todd and our girls so very much and they have made today just one of those perfect busy days , and I can 't wait for tomorrow morning and the terrific Christmas that I know is waiting to be had . So with that said . . . Merry Christmas Everyone ! I hope that the day is filled with lots of laughter , and time spent with those that you love . See you again after Christmas ! Snow , originally uploaded by torri _ g . We have snow here in Arizona ! Well not for to much longer though . The storm clouds that brought the snow have cleared off and the sun is shinning very brightly so it is melting and just about gone . However , I did make sure that I woke the girls up so that they could see the snow on the ground and see it for a few minutes while it was still falling . Two of the three said that was nice and went right back to bed , and my Sweetpea stood there watching if for a little bit because she loves snow at Christmas time . I hope that everyone is having a great week and is ready for the holiday . Mia , originally uploaded by torri _ g . Mia 's Christmas wish ? Please let them all be for me and please let them all have yummy things for me to eat ! Oh and Santa you should probably make sure that I 'm up to let you in because little Mia doesn 't care for anyone just thinking they can walk in the house . Everyone have a great weekend ! Self , originally uploaded by torri _ g . I 'm sitting here tonight and thinking about the day and figured that a self portrait would be most fitting for this entry . There aren 't to many of those on my computer but I had shot one on my cell phone earlier in the day for some reason . Oh wait it was when I was trying to not think about other stuff which I will share here tonight . Back in October 2008 I found a couple of lumps while doing my monthly self examine . Mammogram and then a second . . . oh and then a third one just because they couldn 't seem to figure out just how to get all the angles done the first two times . . . and then the words I wanted to hear . Test results " Negative " . Leap forward to April and suddenly there is another issue and I wasted no time getting in to see the doctor . After several months of frustration finally the referral arrived and in June I was able to be seen by the breast specialist . An exam , an ultrasound and finally the diagnosis and the words I had wanted to hear that all was well and just need to keep an eye on things . Well today was the next appointment , and man in the last 6 months things have been added to the list of issues and there was a very short time of worry today while waiting for test results . . . but once again the words " Test results Negative " were the best words I would ever want to hear . Things have changed yet again and my doctor isn 't sure just how soon she wants to see me again because of the rapid changes that are going on , but for today and right now my mind is at peace that I got to hear the wonderful word " Negative " . I may hurt like heck tonight because of all of the testing and exam and I 'll be the first to say that a mammogram hurts like hell , but I will be in for my next one whether it is 6 months from today or one year from today , and I will go in to see the doctor as told to also . Tonight I would like for that to be at least 6 months from now , but I won 't know exactly when she wants me back till next week sometime . She wants to be able to look at everything that was done tPosted by Sunrise , originally uploaded by torri _ g . I 've been so busy the last couple of weeks that it didn 't hit me till this morning that I hadn 't picked up my camera since Thanksgiving day ! The cell phone camera has been with me at all points in time and has been the only one that has gotten used . . . how very sad really . I did get a good work out with the canon camera today taking pictures at a birthday party for a friend and I 'm looking forward to sitting down tomorrow and checking out the photo 's . Tonight 's picture was taken at sunrise Monday morning and I kept thinking about posting it but since you can look at the blog and see that I never did get around to it . I 'm debating if I 'm going to get around to doing the yearly countdown to Christmas on the blog . Heck I 'm debating if I 'm ever going to get any baking done early this year or be spending lots of time the day before baking as much as I can stand . Good news is that all things are starting to slow down around here as we get closer to the holiday and I am really looking forward to the slow down . Alright , I think that is enough of a ramble from me for one post . I hope that everyone has had wonderful Saturday and that there is a very relaxing Sunday in store for all of us . Gypsy Rose , originally uploaded by torri _ g . I 've been so busy this week I almost forgot about Feline Friday ! Thank goodness I always have a ton of pictures in archive to pull from , because I think if I tried to take a photo of any of the animals today they would be nothing but huge blurs . This picture though was shot with my cell phone so not the best as far as quality but I love it because it show a happy Binky Sue with her girl Gypsy Rose . I 'm a little rushed here so just going to keep this short . . . if you want to join in and play along just post your own and leave a link in comments . Enjoy a wonderful weekend and hopefully I will get some time to post more this coming week . IMG00292 , originally uploaded by torri _ g . Before anyone should ask . . . no we didn 't get another dog . This little guy is Midnight . Midnight has an owner that doesn 't seem to care if he is out running on the streets or not . The neighborhood children do care though and seem to think that every time they find Midnight out running the streets , that they need to bring him here to my house . Midnight actually had to come in the house this week for a short time because of the weather and me having to wait for his owner to get home . Guess what though , Midnight was right back out running the streets the very next day . I 'm going to say once again here . . . if people don 't want to take care of their animals then why do they get them ? ? I 'm sure yet again this afternoon the kids of the neighborhood will bring Midnight back here and I 'm pretty sure they are hoping that I will just keep him for good at this point in time . I can 't though and I 'm hoping that enough times of having to deal with me that his owner will get a clue in their head . I 'm not going to hold my breath for that one though . Alright so it is Friday again and that means time for all of the great felines , furballs , and feathers to come out and show off . If you want to play along all you have to do is post your own and leave a link in comments by next Friday . Have a great Friday ! image , originally uploaded by torri _ g . Well here is it Tuesday already and it just hit me that I haven 't posted anything since Saturday . So not the best picture but it is at least a quick can post photo or the mountains and the weather we had here yesterday . Pretty busy week going on here but will at least try to post new photos even if it is a return to wordless posting . Oh and yes the picture was taken with the camera phone and I still have no idea why it changes size settings seemingly on its own . I hope that everyone is having a good week so far . Plucky , originally uploaded by torri _ g . Wow this holiday weekend is going very quickly ! So before it is over I feel I must post at least one last picture of the holiday and it should be of Plucky the unlucky turkey . It has been a very good holiday weekend here , but I 'm starting to look forward to Monday coming . I hope that everyone had a wonderful Saturday and I 'm going to try to make sure I get a new picture shot of the girls for Sibling Sunday tomorrow . Mia and Angel , originally uploaded by torri _ g . Mia and Angel just chilling out . I forgot all about this picture till today . It was taken a couple of weeks ago and just really kind of fits for the day after thanksgiving . Just a bunch of chilling out going on around here for most of the family . Only bad thing is that Trinity is sick and it has been a very long day for her and trying to get her stomach back to a calm level . I 'm not sure just what has triggered this for Trinity but I have a guess that maybe someone got a hold of something in the yard that she shouldn 't have Wednesday night . Trinity is doing better for the most part , she did eat this after noon and was able to hold it down for several hours . She has kept drinking and just laying around giving me her killer pitiful looks for most of the day . Hopefully tomorrow will bring the real turning the corner on this for her . Anyway , it is time again for Feline , Furball and Feathers Friday . If you want to play along just post your own and leave a link in comments by next Friday . I hope that everyone had a great Thanksgiving and have a wonderful weekend . Plucky Happy Thanksgiving , originally uploaded by torri _ g . No guest poster for tonight . I know I 'm late in the day for posting this but I hope that everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving ! Since it is my favorite holiday I have to of course share the now traditional naming of the turkey and my own list of what I 'm thankful for . I think everyone knows about the girls tradition of naming the turkey and this year it was Binky Sues turn to name the bird . Mr . Gibbles was discussed but last year it was Gibby so that name didn 't last long . Chip was tossed out there and kicked around for about 30 seconds , but then the name came to her . . . Plucky ! So last night as Plucky was pulled out of the fridge to be checked he got his name . For something that used to bother me I think now the thought of cooking a turkey for Thanksgiving without a name would just be wrong . Plucky wasn 't very lucky and probably isn 't going to last all that long in this house , but he was very tasty ! I am getting to the point tonight though that if I hear the " Bird is the Word " song one more time I very well may scream . Binky Sue and Little Bug felt that art work was needed to honor poor Plucky . If you cant guess today was a day filled with silliness , laughter and all those great things that make this my favorite holiday . Which now moves me into my list of what I 'm thankful for this year . I 'm thankful always for my silly girls who make me laugh till my sides hurt . I 'm thankful for my Retired Army Guy , the 20 years that we have spent together , the laughter and even the tears that we have shared , and all of the silly holiday memories that we have created over the years . I 'm thankful for the health of my family . I 'm thankful for prayers that have been answered in the course of the past year . I 'm thankful for family , and for friends who are there when I need them . I 'm thankful for being found by friends this past year that I thought I would never hear from again and the pleasant journey of catching up that has gone on . The list of things could go on longer but I 'm Posted by IMG _ 7830 , originally uploaded by torri _ g . Oh here it is the night before Thanksgiving and boy are things busy in the house with the baking and cleaning . So here is Sweetpea to share with everyone what she is thankful for . Hello , I guess for this year I 'll say that I am thankful for my family for being with me all my life . I am also thankful that I do not have school for two days , and have more time to stay at home and get some extra sleep . I 'm thankful for being able to enjoy the holiday with the people I know and love , and be able to do some more cooking . I am thankful for all those things , plus the fact that I have a four day weekend to finish my projects that are due December . Okay , well thanks for reading ( * gasp * an other thing I 'm thankful for ) , and have a Happy Thanks Giving . Sweetpea IMG _ 7877 , originally uploaded by torri _ g . Continuing with the " What I 'm thankful for " and Binky Sue is tonights guest blogger . Yo ! Dis is Binky Sue in the hizhouse ! Wat up dawg ? No , just kidding . So what am I thankful for ? Hmm , good question . Actually there are tons of things I 'm thankful for . But I 'm sure you the readers want to stare at a bunch of words that never end so I will try to remember to keep this sweet and simple . Like PIE ! Well . I 'm thankful for my family who are always there for me and there to make fun of me whenever I have a blond moment . I am also thankful for all of my buddies out there who are more than willing to drag me out out of my house and do something " fun . " Lets see . There is more . I 'm grateful for having scholarships for me to be able to go to college to better educate me and make me a more well rounded being ( before the holidays ! ) I 'm grateful that my teachers are the cool ones that you actually learn something from than the ones that make you work , work , work and not understand a thing ! I 'm also grateful that I am able to see different spectrum 's of where my future career will be at . I am also thankful to be in the Lions club where I can make a difference in the community . Even more stuff . Wow . Don 't worry I think this is the last of it ! I 'm also grateful that I have such an awesome job ! Sure the pay is minimum wage and 1 % tip of what the house makes . But I think this is a job where I am more than happy to work at . The people there are great and funny ! I have wonderful bosses . One of them , she 's sweet and awesome and loves peanut butter - applesauce cookies ! The other manager likes to poke fun of me . Seriously , is there the words , " TARGET " or " EASY PREY " on top of my forehead ? And the final one . . . . well he doesn 't talk much , he does help me out when the place of my work does get busy . Hey ! At least he is not the type who likes to yell and scream . Okay I call it quits . your brains have probably has had enough ! Thanks for reading . BYE ! BYE ! Binky Sue OUT ! IMG _ 7686 , originally uploaded by torri _ g . Going with guest posters this week and a set topic . . . What I 'm thankful for . So I 'm going to hand the keyboard over to Little Bug and let her share with you . Hiya 's Little Bug is here today . This year I am thankful for many things . 1 . Family that cares and loves me even with all my dizty clumsy like moments . 2 . Friends , because what are we with out over protective caring friends at school every day . 3 . CHOCOLATE & BUTTERMILK PIE ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Whats life like with out these things . O . O ( I want some now ) These are just some of the things I am thankful for . Thanks for your time . Babye . Fall Festival of Color 2009 - 1 , originally uploaded by torri _ g . I 'm just not keeping up here as well as I would like to the last couple of weeks . I 'm going to try this week though and I have a good amount of new photo 's to share even . I 've been trying to get myself and my camera out for short bursts of time to relax and the never ending attempt to get my mind to settle some . Anyway this is sibling day not about me time . The Fall Festival of Color was this weekend and I have to say that the girls and I were a little bit more than disappointed . We do understand that the wind played a huge roll with this weekend and why they couldn 't do a lot of the things , but this morning was perfect and to only have two balloons show up for the early morning ascension was just sad . Sweetpea and Little Bug went out with me for the Saturday night glow , which wasn 't to bad . . . it was just cut short due to the winds . We wandered around the park and listened to some pretty good music , and bought some to expensive treats , but it was for a good fund raiser so that is good . Yes Little Bug is still on those crutches ! No I didn 't make her go and walk all over creation with those , she wanted to go ! Tuesday we finally have an appointment for her to be seen now that everything Tricare has been straightened out . I 'm guessing x - rays are something that is needed , and that she is going to have even more time on the crutches since she still can 't put any weight of any kind on it . Sweetpea had a good week and says it is really feeling like her senior year now . Of course what could help make it feel real finally ? The order for the cap , gown , and announcements was turned in Friday . Hold on let me get my best happy going on here . . . . woohoo . Nope not working , oh well maybe later . I am excited for Sweetpea and this being her year , it is the cost of everything that leaves me less than thrilled . We went with a smaller package this year and are not far below what was spent last year . Oh yeah and they increased the sales tax which was just wonderful ! It is done thoPosted by Waiting for the phone to ring , originally uploaded by torri _ g . The most pitiful look of the week goes to Angel ! I 'm not sure who she is waiting on to call her , but at least her and the blue tooth device are ready . So it is time again for all of the animal friends to come out and play . If you want to play along just post your own and leave a link in comments by next Friday . IMG00160 , originally uploaded by torri _ g . I would love to have just one clear thought this week . Heck I would love to be able to type one word without having to hit the back space key ! I know it is only Tuesday and there is still so much left to this week , but I 've already had enough ! Dealing with Triwest has left me this way , and the joy of all of it is I still need to get an appointment made for Little Bug this week , and still can 't get anyone to deal with me . JOY ! ! This morning was a couple hours of my life either on the phone or in the local office that left me with the feeling of I 'm just not speaking the same language or the right one . Of course I 'm not sure what would be the right one . I do keep hearing the following words though . . . " Well you do have coverage it just isn 't the one that you paid for , but the good news is that we will retro - activate it to the first of November ! " Oh and that is great , wonderful and any other number of things but . . . we paid for prime coverage and I expect prime coverage and the difference is that until that retro - activation happens we have standard coverage and that means deductibles to pay and that pesky extra 20 % , and then pray that you will reimburse for it after the retro takes place . Hmm . . . and we bothered making sure that we took care of all of this before why ? ? ? ? Little Bug is still in pain and can 't put any weight on her ankle and I still can 't get anyone to set an appointment with her till this is all fixed ! Great ! ! Yep I 'm a bit on the pissed off side of life here this week . I 'm actually having thoughts of bad things that can be done with a set of crutches . . . to bad Little Bug needs those to be able to get around with ! My next thought is that come Thursday morning I 'm taking Little Bug to the MTF and just walking in to see the Dr . that she saw last week . It is Dr . R who Little Bug has seen for the last 5 years , and I 'm sure hearing the tale she would be more than willing to share a few choice words with some people about all of this . Alright , I 'm done venting for now . I hopPosted by Mia , originally uploaded by torri _ g . I know this should have gone up last night , but I just didn 't get around to it . Mia was finally willing to let me kind of take a picture of her . I had to be fast because she just doesn 't seem to care for the camera pointing at her recently . Short entry , but if you want to play along all you have to do is post your own and leave a link in comments . I hope that everyone has a great weekend . IMG00140 , originally uploaded by torri _ g . It is turning out to be one of those kinds of weeks here . ( Yet again , like always ) I 'm finding that every time I think about trying to get out with my camera for a couple of hours that something comes up and but an end to that real quick . This week has been a sudden fluctuating schedule with Binky Sue , tons of other stuff , and oh yeah Little Bug . Little Bug is in a partial cast as of yesterday . No she didn 't suffer yet another injury , it is because of the ankle injury from two weeks ago . She finally got off of the crutches last week and moved to using the air splint when she felt she needed it . Well , yesterday was her first day back in PE and after just a couple of steps of jogging she knew something was wrong . Her pain was horrible , and she lost the ability to put any weight of any kind on it . So off we went . . . well after a couple of phone calls to see if anyone could tell us where " it " was that we needed to go to . Luck was on my side and we got to see Dr . R who has been Little Bugs doctor for the last 5 years . Little Bug is now wearing a removable cast on the leg . It is molded to the shape of the foot and the back of her leg and kept on with ace bandage wraps . She is back on the crutches , and will have to be seen again next week . Without being able to see anything , due to the instant new bruising on the foot and swelling Dr . R believes that it is very possible that Little Bug has a very fine stress fracture , which of course will take a little longer to heal up right . Little Bug is not happy about any of this . She has the note for PE that says nothing until further notice now . She also has the coveted key for the elevator at the high school . Well , she doesn 't want it but trust me there are other that would want it . So busy week and already know that there is another busy week for next week . I still need to spend some time finding out just who we are supposed to take Chey to see , probably going to involve lots of phone calls and time being on hold . I 'm kind of wondering if soPosted by Out to dinner , originally uploaded by torri _ g . Tonight we went out for dinner as a family to MBFG . It was something that all of us really enjoyed . Tons of laughing went on while there tonight and we were all so full the thought of needing to be rolled out to the car to go home was actually talked about . I can say that Binky Sue works at a great place , and all of the people that waited on us tonight were wonderful ! Our server now has a best friend named Little Bug because with that NY style cheese cake with baklava , our sweet server brought out a small cup of very rich chocolate to drizzle over it . OMG ! ! Trust me rich isn 't even a word that comes close to describing it . WOW . . . oh so good , but only something that I could have one bite of . The reason for dinner out tonight ? Well , the girls wanted to celebrate their Daddies retirement from the Army . Only about 3 more hours left of him being active duty . When he wakes up in the morning he will be part of the retired Army ranks . I know it really has been twenty years , just like us being married for twenty years this year . It just seems like it passed so quickly . Which sitting here thinking about some of the years just doesn 't seem like they could have passed quickly at all . There is a new journey about to get started here , and I look forward to making every new step not only with my Army Guy , but with all of our girls . I hope that everyone has had a great and safe Halloween ! IMG _ 7554 , originally uploaded by torri _ g . Last Friday Miss Gypsy Rose crossed yet another major milestone since she came to live here with us . She spent six straight hours out in living areas of the house not only with the people , but with the dogs too ! Now as soon as Binky Sue had to leave for work she hid for a bit behind and under the couch , but she eventually came back out and joined me on the couch . Because if you are a scared kitty cat who isn 't used to spending that amount of time out of your comfort zone you really want to be next to the person who can offer the most protection from those big dogs and Mom of the house is the best one . Of course Gypsy had to have a bit more of a fort built up around her to make her really comfortable , oh and the laptop to lay on for extra warmth . Once again it was a happy moment on the path to healing this kitty cat . So time for all of the great animals that fill our hearts with love and bring smiles to our faces to stop by . If you want to play along , all you have to do is post your own and leave a link in comments by next Friday . Everyone have a great weekend . This week is getting away from me and before I forget to post , I 'm just going to do this real quick . SIX weeks ! I 'm at six weeks of being a non smoker as of today ! I really am feeling good , and am sure that come the end of this box of medicine that I 'm going to be ending the medicine . I need to see what life is like without it again , and hopefully it will mean the end to some real upset stomach issues that I have been having lately . So you only have two more weeks of this post on Thursday . I really need to start working on getting out and getting new pictures to post on a regular basis . Sorry for so short with no picture , but I hope that everyone has a great Thursday ! IMG _ 7572 , originally uploaded by torri _ g . Sunday 's sunrise was beautiful ! The same can not be said for this morning however . I would have to say that this morning sunrise was more of gray , green , yellowish . A very stormy looking sky for sunrise today . Of course we were expecting this for today and after the high winds that tore through the area last night taking out power , I 'm really kind of surprised that we have a roof on the house . You know you have a really good wind going when it can make the whole house vibrate and sound like there is a train running just outside the walls . No kidding while I was trying to fall asleep last night , I put my hand on the wall which is an outside wall , and could feel the thing vibrating with the roaring wind . The power for what I 'm guessing would have been at least most of base was knocked out by the wind last night , but they were quick to get it back up and going again . Only about 2 hours from power outage to power back up . It should be interesting taking Binky Sue out for class this morning and seeing just what damage was done and what debris is laying on the roads . Oh and if the weather men are right there may be the season first opportunity for pictures of snow on the mountain tops , and our high is going to be 30 degrees less than yesterday . I 'm not going to whine about being cold though . . . not yet anyway . : ) Anyway , I hope that everyone has a great Wednesday ! IMG _ 7566 , originally uploaded by torri _ g . The Arizona broom bushes started making their change last week and sure enough we have much cooler temperatures . Oh and as of today we have a return of the gusting blowing winds too so sometime in the next couple of days I 'm pretty sure that the tree in the back yard will lose all of its leaves and the broom bushes will make it look like it is snowing . I 'm hoping to get with the camera and see what fall colors I can find , and if that doesn 't work then at least I have the colors of the hot air balloons to look forward to here soon . I hope that everyone is having a good week so far . Oh it is Sunday again and here I am with no picture of any of the siblings . Well , that is not completely true . I have tons of photos of them in archive but not on this hard drive . . . and I 'm being pretty lazy here today . . . and don 't feel like moving to get to a hard drive where I might find a picture or a hundred that could be used . Yes that is my excuse and I 'm goind to stick with it ! Anyway for some news about the siblings : Binky Sue is steadily learning to juggle school , work , Lions Club , home work , and new for this week . . . class room observation . She is starting at her old middle school , and when they remember you by your voice I think it can be said that you made an impact in their memory . Great for Binky Sue is that it was good memories . So she start working on getting her ten hours of middle school observation done . She also has set up with a friend who is getting private tutoring due to back surgey to get her two hours of alternate done . Binky Sue this week also got that first pay check and that feeling comes with the very first one . So all in all things are going pretty well for Binky Sue right now . Sweetpea this week was just pretty calm life wise for the most part . Well at least until report card was put in Mom 's hand on Friday . I don 't think I 'm going to get into that one here at all other than to say we talked . Photography class for Sweetpea this week had her developing her first roll of film and with mistakes made good lessons were learned . I haven 't seen any of the pictures , but I am hoping to see some soon since I love seeing how she views the world . Oh and that dreaded announcement order stuff landed in my house for this year ! Good grief just so not sure I 'm ready for all the fun of that order of announcements , caps , and gowns brings with the school . Before Thanksgiving break is the due date though , and I 'm going to have to be ready no matter what . Littlebug was pure clumsy Littlebug this week . Crutches for the 5th time in her 14 years . It is the 4th time injuring her left ankle and I 'm wondering if it iTheresa Gypsy Rose , originally uploaded by torri _ g . Gypsy Rose has finally laid claim to a favorite spot out side of Binky Sue 's room ! This is a great thing to celebrate ! Gypsy has been spending more and more time out of Binky Sue 's bedroom recently and with her laying claim to a favorite spot brings her willingness to stand up against any other animal that tries to move her from it . We still haven 't had her spend to much time with the dogs , but we have had to do really tiny baby kitty steps with Miss Gypsy . By the way her spot is right in front of the corner section chair , just a little off of center for watching the television on the carpet . Don 't walk there while she is out or she will have to chase your foot . Friday again means it is time for Feline , Furball , and Feather 's Friday . So time for all of the great animal friends to come out and show off how wonderful they are . If you want to play along all you have to do is post your own picture and story , and then stop by here and leave a link in comments by next Friday . I hope that everyone has had a good week and have a wonderful and safe weekend ! IMG00044 , originally uploaded by torri _ g . I didn 't forget about this last week . It 's just that Little Bugs birthday took center stage , like any birthday should . Last Thursday I hit the one full month mark of no smoking . Which mean as of today I 'm at the month plus . Excuse me for just a minute . . . YAY ! ! ! . Alright now that I got that out of my system . I 'm starting to notice that at some point in time during the 9 weeks that I must have learned something , because even with all of the stress of life here lately I haven 't wanted that cigarette . That is the best thing of all really . Learning other ways of dealing with things . Anyway , I 'm going to keep doing the Thursday posts for at least the next 3 weeks . Which is how many more weeks I have to take the medicine before it becomes my choice for maintenance . I hope that everyone is having a good week and have a great Thursday . Clouds , originally uploaded by torri _ g . Mondays aren 't always the best kind of day anyway , but add a couple of hours with Little Bug in the clinic waiting to get x - rays of a swollen , bruised up ankle and it is less of a great day . Little Bug is on crutches for the next couple of weeks because of a level 2 sprain to her left ankle . I was happy that we didn 't have to head to the ER today , but the urgent clinic was insanely busy . She is doing okay tonight after napping for a while once we finally got home . Tomorrow should be interesting for her out at the high school though . I 'm thinking for the next couple of weeks till she can drop the crutches she is going to be exhausted every day coming home . I 'm not sure how this picture is going to look , but since the only camera I have had handy the last couple of days is my cell phone camera , it is just going to have to do . I hope that everyone had a good Monday , and that tomorrow is an even better day . IMG _ 7488 , originally uploaded by torri _ g . Ah Sunday ! I 'm so glad to see you on the calendar today . This last week was one of those crazy busy weeks and I still have the feeling of needing more sleep . Little Bug and Sweetpea were on fall break , which I thought would have made for a calmer week but boy was that thought wrong . Binky Sue had a week of juggling classes , work , home work , making calls for getting observation hours done for a class ( hopefully she has also remembered to e - mail her teacher about needing a letter for the base middle school ) . Little Bug wanted her birthday portraits done , had a friend that came to stay for a couple of days , and then the whole birthday party . Which I now know that 7 14 / 15 year olds are louder than just about anything I can think of . It all went well though and Sweetpea and Mom just sat hiding out for a little bit till they all seemed to have enough sugar in them to balance out their already naturally hyper . No joke they got quieter and calmer with the more sugar they ate . I swear sometimes watching the kids at the parties is like watching a science experiment unfold , but Sweetpea and I enjoyed watching it . Alright , I think that is going to be about it for this week since I need to get going here soon . I hope that everyone has had a great weekend , and that today there is lots of time spent with those you care about the most . Have a wonderful Sunday ! Angel and Gypsy , originally uploaded by torri _ g . Just a real quick for tonight and a promise to come back either later or first thing tomorrow to add links to Carly and Dylan . Angel and Gypsy are currently hiding from the 7 extra 14 year old that have taken over the house tonight . After the current noise level drops down to just 2 extra 14 year olds I might be able to coax them out of hiding again , but I 'm not going to make any bets on that . They know the noise level that has happened to the house tonight . I hope that everyone has a great weekend , and remember if you want to play along just post your own and leave a link in comments by next Friday . Update : Yes I know it has taken me all day to get back but I have been very busy . As promised though here is the link to Dylan over at Carly 's . He was busy with yarn , and keeping his Mom amused while she was sick . Super cute pictures so click and check them out . Little Bug , originally uploaded by torri _ g . I have only thought about sitting down and getting this posted a million times today , but before I run out of time I 'm going to say . . . Happy Birthday to my Little Bug ! Of course I 've actually said it do her about a million times since it rolled over to the 15th , but one more time with a post all about her . Or maybe it will be all about me and the fact that I 'm oh so very tired right now after this insane busy day . I will try to get Little Bugs portrait shots posted for family and friends to be able to see in the next couple of days or as soon as I have enough time to sit and finish working on them . I hope that everyone enjoyed a great day , and join me with yet another Happy Birthday Little Bug ! ! Little Bug and Sweetpea , originally uploaded by torri _ g . I 'm glad that I caught this picture late Friday night when there was some goofing around going on , because Little Bug really has lost her happy this weekend . Friday marked the end of the first quarter and for these two it means Fall Break Time ! They will be off this whole week , and Little Bug was very happy about that because her birthday is this week . She very skillfully negotiated her way into having a boy / girl party , and the invitations were delivered Friday . Sweetpea is just happy to be done with projects and have the whole week to do nothing . This last week saw the arrival of the ever dreaded cap , gown , and announcements order stuff . November is the deadline once again to have it all ordered and I 'm so happy that they not only raised their prices , but the shipping and handling fees , and the taxes ! Gosh we are so lucky ! Speaking of things senior year related . . . I 'm going to need family and friends to start giving thought to what portraits you want of Sweetpea . If I missed sending you a link to them let me know and I will correct that . I really would like to see her senior portraits go out sooner than what I did last year . Binky Sue . . . well she is done with her math class and couldn 't be happier about that if she tried . I think next term she may make sure that the math class she is in isn 't accelerated . She worked her first shift this past Friday and was exhausted when I got there to pick her up . She is happy with her schedule for the next week though and looking forward to getting that first pay check . Other than that there really isn 't to much else about the siblings , but that is way more than I 've really had in a while about each of them . I hope that everyone enjoys a wonderful Sunday surrounded by those you care the most about . 100 _ 8653 , originally uploaded by torri _ g . This morning brought a major shock to the house and has left everyone pretty upset . When I uncovered the birds this morning I didn 't see Puff in her cage . Which of course lead to a frantic search , and then a sudden stop by me to think and go back over to her cage and look . Puff I 'm very sad to say has passed away . Looking at everything it looks as if she for some reason tried to curl herself up in a food dish , and possibly smothered herself once getting stuck . There were lots of instant tears in the house since all the girls were out helping to locate her since I had first thought she had gotten out of her cage . Little Bug is taking it very hard since Puff was her little buddy . The girls are going to take the day to deal with the shock of what has happened , and figure just where they would like to take Puff to bury her . Tomorrow may not be much better for girls because I would like to have Puff laid to rest by then . It is an odd day for me since I keep expecting to hear her scream at the other birds about their noise , or to hear the sound of her bells as she chirped into them . Of all of the animals in the house , Puff was the one that was happiest making you smile because of her never ending antics . I 've debated with myself today about putting the link to Carly and Dylan for this week , and I 'm going to hold off till next week to post it . It will be a fun post for next Friday to go with the pictures that I was going to use today until the day just went bad . So everyone try to have a good weekend and hopefully things will go better this coming week and I will get back to a normal Feline , Furball , and Feathers Friday post with links . Posted by I 'm sorry but there is just going to be a short delay for Feline , Furball and Feather 's Friday . I promise by tomorrow night I will have it posted . Today has just gotten away from me because of Army Guy having a bone marrow biopsy done , which meant up very early and on the road because just about everyone likes it an hour and a half away from here . Then trip back and local errand running , oh yeah and talking to girls about what is going on and when we will get preliminary diagnosis . Which means for anyone who might be waiting to hear from me that there where no results other than blood work and the bone marrow biopsy will tell the whole story . Since this is turning into a post about Army Guy anyway , just let me tell everyone that he did great . I 'm sure that he was , is , and is going to continue to be in a good deal of pain . . . but he had that doctor and nurse trying so hard not to laugh and then finally giving into laughter . Yes I was in the room with him for the procedure and really pray that is not something that he ever has to do again . For that matter no one I know needs to ever have that test done . I was in awe of Army Guy today , oh and I managed to not cry for him during it . Anyway , I will get a picture of one of the many animals and get the Friday post up tomorrow . Tonight I 'm just to tired , and probably have to many thoughts running through my mind . I hope that everyone has had a wonderful Friday , and this weekend I hope there is lots of time spent with those you love and remember to laugh lots . Update : As of Tuesday October 27th all but one of the bone marrow test had come back normal . Meaning no cancer cells , and no myeloproliferative disorders . Just don 't ask me to explain what it is that is going on with Army Guy 's blood . Posted by IMG _ 5791 , originally uploaded by torri _ g . Another week done , and I 'm now at 3 weeks of not smoking . I saw Ms . K . A . for what will be my last time and got my month 3 of medicine . After the third month it is up to me if I want to stay on the medicine or not and does not require having to see her to get it because there are refills on this one . She was very happy with my progress and said I should just be counting it as a 5 weeks of not smoking . I pointed out to her that just wouldn 't be honest because there is that one day in there . Next Thursday will be the start of the third month pack of medicine and I can honestly say that I may not continue with it much past that . The good thing is that once I 'm done with the third month , I can choose to drop the dosage that I take daily after that or just drop it entirely . Thinking down the road has me debating dropping to just one pill a day and see if any of those sneaky urges come back , and then drop from there . I 'm getting to far ahead of myself on that though and it is better to stay focused on just one day at a time . So three weeks and I 'm going to give myself a great big YAY ME ! Next week will be my big milestone . . . the first time to ever reach the one month mark . Heck I may have to throw a party or something . . . oh wait that is Little Bugs birthday so there will be a party already . : ) I hope that everyone is having a good week , and I 'm sorry about the lack of brand new photo 's and spars posting but there have been lots of things going on which I may or may not post about at some point in time . Have a wonderful Thursday and hopefully I will get busy working on a photo for Feline and Furball Friday before midnight tomorrow . Artwork by Sweetpea , originally uploaded by torri _ g . Yet again the weekend passed to quickly . Of course having all but one person sick with flu I really would have liked for this weekend to take a little extra time and give everyone the possibility of feeling better . Sweetpea is the only one not being taken down by the bug in right now . I was doing a good job of out running it till late Friday night . Saturday I tried to keep going , but come Saturday night that was it for me . Binky Sue and Little Bug seem to be feeling better , but like said I would really like for them to have a little bit more of a weekend to rest . It is Monday though and time for heading back to the school that had 21 % of the student body out last week because of flu and flu like symptoms . So I 'm just going to cross my fingers , hope and pray that we can be done with the flu in this house . Now with that said excuse me while my body tries to make up it 's mind if I 'm going to have a hot flash or a case of the chills . I hope everyone has a good day , and try to avoid the germs that are flying around early this year . Angel , originally uploaded by torri _ g . Just real quick for today since the crud that has been making its rounds through the house is finally winning and taking me down for the count too . Angel isn 't worried though because her girl Sweetpea is only fighting with allergy issues . Only thing Angel needs Mom for is to either remind someone to do something for her , or to get those blinds open at the right time for prime bird watching . So the rest of us can feel free to sneeze , cough , and blow our noses as much as we want . Heck she doesn 't mind if we run a fever , just as long as she can get access to us to curl up on whoever is running the fever , because it would be a crime for all the heat to just go to waste . Don 't bother complaining about body aches to her though , because she just doesn 't have time to listen to that , there are toy balls in the back hallway to bat around and tease the heck out of those furballs with . Angel was kind to me though and actually sat still for a change for me to get a picture of her , so any blur to it is because of me and having a chill or two while trying to get the camera as steady as possible . So it is time again for the all the great felines , furballs , and feathers . If you want to play along just post your own and leave a link in comments by next Friday . I hope that everyone has a great weekend , and look of for the the crud because it is super fast moving . IMG _ 6781 , originally uploaded by torri _ g . Please excuse me this morning while I 'm a bit of a smarty pants with my choice of picture for my new weekly Thursday post . I had the thought go through my head that I was zooming along with the stop smoking journey and for some reason this picture that I shot earlier in the month of Army Guy 's bike came to mind . So just why would I think about his bike and this picture and my stopping smoking ? Well , I guess because of the thought it may not look like all that much , but some times looks are deceiving . It might not look like it is going very quickly but when I stop and take a look at the over all it really is . I am again at the two full weeks without smoking a cigarette . When I take a look at the bigger picture though since August 31st I have smoked 5 cigarettes . Wait a minute five , just five ? Yeah for someone who has never smoked that number is way to high , but for me and how much I was smoking per day , this is huge ! So here I am at week six since starting the medication , 5 weeks since the quit date and I can say that in the last 4 weeks I have had one day with 5 cigarettes . I think I 'm doing great ! Alright I will stop with all of the week counts and other crazy number things . . . oh wait there is still one more number I want to share . That 1 cigarette in the pack . . . it is still sitting in that pack . I think when I finally hit the full month count I 'm going to celebrate by throwing it away . Until then though it is going to continue to sit and be my reminder . I hope that everyone is having a good week and see you again next week for hopefully a post that will make more sense than this one . Thinking , originally uploaded by torri _ g . I should probably make sure and put wedding anniversary in the title . Oh wait , you know which 20th anniversary comes first . So many miles since this day all those years ago . I know I used a picture of you on here and you hate that , but it is one of my favorites and it is my blog . For the last week I have in my mind tried to figure out just the perfect thing to type here , and it has just lead me to thinking about so many things . The tiny apartments when it was just you and me at the start of the traveling the world with the military . The look on your face when each one of our daughters were born . The tickling , teasing , tormenting Daddy that you were just bound to be . I 've thought about all the laughter that has been shared between us , all of the tears and oh so many other emotions . I know I loved you then , but I 'm sure that I love you even more now . So what do you say to we renew for another 20 years ? ( Umm . . . you better be nodding your head yes for that one sweetheart . ) I love you Army Guy and do look forward to seeing just what new adventures we will face together . Happy Anniversary Sweetheart ! IMG _ 7102 , originally uploaded by torri _ g . Just doesn 't seem like it should be Monday morning again already . The weekend had slow feel but just to quickly was done and I 'm not ready for it to be Monday again . There are lots of things going on this week , and hopefully I will find a little bit of time to get out with my camera . Would like to see about getting back up into the canyon area 's one more time before all of the butterflies are gone . I hope that everyone has a good start to the week . IMG _ 7039 , originally uploaded by torri _ g . Finally a picture of one of the siblings . This entry will probably not be all that long of one , but since Binky Sue had such a happy week it really needs to be shared . Binky Sue got a job ! So needless to say that after spending the whole summer looking and hoping to get one she is very thrilled . Monday she walked into open interview times and she walked out being hired . She will be hostess at a soon new to be opened restaurant . The name of the new restaurant ? My Big Fat Greek Restaurant . She did her orientation Thursday and this Tuesday starts her training . They are not officially open till the 5th of October , but do have some events starting next weekend . Binky Sue has her black , on black , with black uniform all set , and really can not wait to get started . She is also getting close to being done with her first term math class , which I think she is happy about because doing the 8 week version versus the 16 week course has been pretty insane on the homework side . Sweetpea , and Little Bug continue to be just settled in for the quarter which is quickly nearing an end here . Little Bug has been keeping Mom busy with the seemingly never ending " Mom can I go here ? " or " Can I go do this ? " . This weekend was her first football game with friends and I can say that she and her friend had way to much sugar and made it feel as if there was something wrong with my car because of the bouncing around . I got them home though and at some point in time in the wee hours of the morning they both actually finally slept . Alright that is it for this week . I know I could probably do more but instead I 'm going to get back to sitting chilling out watching a football game with Army Guy here tonight . I hope that everyone has had a wonderful weekend spent with those that you care the most about . Kiki , originally uploaded by torri _ g . I love taking pictures of Kiki ! Unlike the lovebirds , Kiki just likes to take her time walking from place to place . Probably because her flying skills are horrible ! Actually her flying isn 't the biggest issue that Kiki has , it is the landing or in her case the crash landings that are the huge issue . Never seems to fail that Kiki will find the trash can to land in , or the water dish for one of the four legged animals , or even worse . . . the walls ! So unless she is trying to escape me and the water bottle for spritzing her for bath time . Kiki is very happy to keep both her feet and all her feather 's on the ground , which makes for a much easier photograph to be taken of her . So it is Friday and time for all the felines , furballs and feathers to shine . No pouting pictures this week because they were so pouty that it would break hearts to see them . ( This is actually not a joke since Trinity was in her " poor me " routine just about all week long . ) This week Carly stopped by with Hendrix showing off a new perspective of the world . Great pictures of a wonderful cat ! So now time for how to play along . Grab your camera and take a picture of your feline , furball or feather friend , post the picture and then stop by here and leave a link in comments . It doesn 't have to be done today , just by next Friday . I hope that everyone enjoys a great weekend and see you next week . IMG _ 7068 , originally uploaded by torri _ g . YAY ME ! I 'm right back at one full week of not smoking . Hmm . . . I feel as if I have been here before already . Oh yeah , I have been ! I 'm going to celebrate anyway because it was easier to get through this week one than it was the first week one . I 've had less urges and thoughts about smoking this week than I did before last Wednesday . So maybe this is getting easier to do . I 'm really happy with myself for not having the feeling of needing to give up on this journey . I 'm happy that slowly but surely I 'm learning new ways of dealing with stress feelings , urges , and the boredom feelings that used to mean time to smoke . So one week down again and the goal of hitting week two next Thursday and going even further this time . So there is still the lonely one cigarette sitting in the pack from a month ago , and the thought of throwing it away has crossed my mind a couple of times , but I 'm not ready to do that yet . Maybe right now that is my security blanket , or just a way for me to visually remind myself of what I want to achieve . So goal for the next week , just once again take it one day at a time and learn to deal with whatever gets thrown my way . IMG _ 7109 , originally uploaded by torri _ g . Yesterday while driving Binky Sue out to the college I noticed that the park was filling with trailers , and figured I would drive through and check it out on my way heading back home . The trailers are all pulling in because it is time again for the Fun Festival in town . Today we drove through because they are doing the some assembly required to . . . well to everything . All the trailers with " City of Fun Shows " on them and my thought today was a lot of the people out there working don 't look like they are seeing the fun with this whole thing . Wait that is because they are working on the some assembly required part of the show , and I don 't imagine that climbing the outside ring of the Fire Ball ride is all that much fun on a pretty wind day . I also can not imagine that trying to get the 70x30 canopy tents set up would be all that much fun either . By this weekend no one will think twice about those things though because everything will be up and running and there will be real fun to be had , and lots of yummy carnival food to eat . While I do hope to get out and get some night photo 's of everything all lit up , I will once again be skipping on heading over to the carnival though . When what will seem like the whole town converges into Veteran 's Memorial Park , I would rather be anywhere else . IMG _ 7069 , originally uploaded by torri _ g . I 'm happy because I was able to get out of the house this morning with my camera , and headed out to Huachuca Canyon after dropping Binky Sue off at school . Some flowers , some butterflies , and tons of bees . Hiked about a half mile up the canyon looking for the butterflies and whatever else I could find , and then hiked back down to the car . Wasn 't going for anything to long because of needing to get back into practice with the knee , but was very enjoyable . I hope that everyone has had a great Tuesday . |
I was pretty sure I could manage that , barring any major problems . The cutoffs aren 't easy at Leadville , but I 'm in a lot better shape and I weigh a lot less than for my Bighorn attempt several years ago . We spent a couple weeks in Silverton on the Hardrock course in June / July and then lived at the Leadville RV Corral for the month of August , so we were about as acclimated as we could get this summer . We trained on the Leadville course and I saw over 90 % of it more than twice , on foot or on bike . On the other hand , I also wondered if I might be able to go faster than I thought I could . I ran well at the GTA last year and Bandera in January and this course seemed ( on paper ) to play to my strengths - varying from flat - ish to long climbs , with lots of runnable sections . But I was concerned I might start out too fast and cause myself large problems later . I finally decided to go 50 miles just " for me , " running how I feel , and then figure out if I might be able to push competitively after that . Race morning was beautiful - around 40 degrees and clear . My kind of weather ! The forecast was for sun and higher temperatures during the day , which wasn 't so great . But we were so happy that it probably wouldn 't hail , pour , and thunder / lightning on us ( like at last year 's Leadville 100 ) that we couldn 't begin to complain about a little sun . After all , we 're Texans . . . albeit the most non - heat - acclimated Texans around . At 4 a . m . a huge crowd of 500 + runners surged down 6th Street toward the valley . I ran easily , gently moving ahead of people as my momentum carried me downhill . I joined most everyone around me in walking the slight uphill before sliding down another slope toward the end of the street . It was pavement , but it was over with quickly and soon we were moseying down the dirt road called The Boulevard . All the headlamps around me lit up the night and the road , so I kept my light off until I got close to the first railroad track crossing . After riding my bike up this road countless times , I had a pretty good idea where the potholes and rocks begin . I used my little Coast handheld to light the ground in front of me , easily clearing the slight obstacles . The road started rising , and eventually I saw the gate where the steep rocky section started . I already knew I wanted to stay to the left down this section , which worked well because I was also passing people as I flew down the somewhat technical little hill . I believe I saw Markus nearby , but I was paying too much attention to my feet to be sure . At the bottom the road made a sharp right and turned into a gently - uphill rutted jeep road . I ran / walked this section and watched lights bouncing off trees up ahead . Back to pavement - another short section - and I used the time to pull off my gloves and stuff them into my jacket pocket . I kept my Buff on my head but adjusted it off and on my ears as I got warmer and then cooler whenever we hit a cold spot near a creek . I ran with a hand bottle in one hand and the light in the other , which worked fine until I had to do something that required a hand . I didn 't want to stop and walk , because then I would lose my place in the pack . I love running singletrack ( coming up around the lake ) and I didn 't want to get behind too many slower people before then . Finally situated again , I started down the bumpy dirt road and watched for the turn - off up ahead . This road seemed to take awhile , and I was getting a little tired of running on roads . A bit later I saw lights heading to the right and soon I followed people onto the short steep " mini Powerline " section . With a few short , quick steps , and then a few more , I found the top . One more landmark down , many more to go . Some guy in an orange jacket had his heart rate monitor on " audible " mode , I guess so he could hear how fast his heart was beating ? Well , that was rather irritating , so I ran ahead of him to get onto the lake trail . Ah , nice trail ! I got in a line with some runners who were going the perfect pace - gliding down the trail , speed - walking up the little inclines , easy running for me but still moving well . We crossed a big parking lot and I veered off to fill my Spiz baggie with water from a spigot we had scouted . But there was now a hose hooked up to it - d ' oh ! A camp host trailer was parked where there was nothing last week . I should have checked the bathrooms for running water , but instead I just clung to the baggie in my bottle hand and continued onward , trying to work out an alternative . Running on , through the pines and the campgrounds , I followed runners and pondered . Finally we heard some noise up ahead as we approached the Tabor boat ramp and a bunch of crew folk . A woman behind me muttered , " What is that ? " It was a boisterous spectacle in the middle of the darkness . I ran through the receiving line , asking if anyone had water . When I spotted a large water jug on the ground , I asked if they could spare some , and they were happy to oblige , so I filled my Spiz baggie . Thank you so much , random crew people ! It took a minute or two to walk , mix the Spiz , drink it down , and get situated again ( including re - zipping my jacket in order to stabilize the waistpack that was sliding around ) . I was disappointed at losing my place in the running line , but I had already decided it was much more important not to get behind on calories and drink . Starting up again , I immediately passed several people who seemed to be picking their way over easy trail . The trail was still wide enough to get around , so I took advantage of that . Once it narrowed down considerably , I was mostly happy again with where I was . The next 5 miles passed rather quickly . I couldn 't go as fast as I wanted , but everyone in front of me was ( mostly ) running the flats and downhills , and I was slightly slower on the uphills anyway . We had a few pauses for the more technical sections , but I settled in and got comfortable . My breathing dropped to almost inaudible , and I stole a couple glances around at the dark lake and the runners ' bobbing lights around the edges of it . There were plenty of people behind me , and plenty of trail to go , so I was fine . Still , I couldn 't resist when the trail made a split for about 20 feet . Everyone was taking the high road ( slightly easier ) but I veered left to drop down and back up , passed a few people for the heck of it . Must be the adventure racer instinct in me . I knew a couple of landmarks along here , mostly mining - related plus a bridge or two . The sky lightened as I approached the end of the trail . I guessed I would be able to leave my light at the May Queen aid station . John was faster ( quite a bit faster ! ) and had to use his micro - LED light for the first part of the next section . Slower is sometimes a tiny advantage . Someone nearby was watching his GPS and figured we had 2 miles to go , but another guy and I knew better . Soon we reached the trailhead and the paved road through the campground . I jogged along , taking a very short shortcut next to the restroom . Approaching the aid station , I saw crew milling around everywhere . Someone yelled , " Go ladies ! " as I followed a woman up the grass to the aid station tent . " Drop bag ? Drop bag ? " I asked as I moved through the large tent . Someone helped me locate my bag and I found a quiet corner to work with it . I dropped off my light , picked up a second hand bottle , drank an Ensure , filled the water bottles with water , returned the drop bag for later , and walked out the door . There was a lot going on around me , but I was focused on getting back to the quiet of the trail . Up the road and back into the woods , ahh . . . I followed several guys onto the Colorado Trail and up a short incline . When we reached a flatter but rocky section , my dancing feet took over . Several guys were kind enough to get out of my way when they heard me coming . I passed a couple more as the trail made several gentle drops . This is MY trail , I said to myself , and I was enjoying it quite a bit . Too soon , the trail turned sharply upward and the climb toward Sugarloaf started for real . With a hearty upward march , I made my way toward the road , passing and greeting Markus on the way . Once on Hagerman Road , I started a run / walk pattern and counted paces ( 30 run , 10 walk , at this point ) to keep my mind occupied and my body moving . I noticed all sorts of various speeds in other runners - some motoring quickly , others walking slowly , and everything in between . Some runners were all dressed up for cold weather , but then there was the guy with his shirt off already . After turning onto the jeep road , I eased back into a fast walk and enjoyed the scenery . A couple switchbacks later and we were nearing the top . I stopped to fill a Spiz baggie from one of my hand bottles , and consolidated the rest of my water into the other so I could stash an empty bottle into my waist pack . I was glad to finally have one hand free ! The waist pack was still giving me issues , but I tried to be happy that at least I didn 't have a backpack on my shoulders yet . I walked , mixed the Spiz , and stopped to drink it . Time to move ! A short downhill stretch made my legs happy . Soon I was over the top and moving downhill in earnest . The sun was out , the air was cool , I was feeling good . I stopped for a quick pee so I could focus on the downhill without a bouncing bladder . Then I motored on down , passing passels of people as I went . It was fun ! I tried to memorize a few landmarks for the return trip ( since I had seen the top section only once a couple weeks ago ) while still focusing on my feet . Then I reached the part that I knew well from hill repeat training , and I could turn my brain off again . Too soon I found the bottom and the paved road . All good things eventually come to the pavement . Turning right to a few cheers from spectators , I followed some runners up the road . Around the corner someone had put up a sign reading " More whisky and fresh horses for my men " - something to ponder ! A bit more pavement and it was time for another aid station . The aid station building was all the way to the back of the Fish Hatchery , requiring an uphill climb that was rather surprising , but soon I was inside with my drop bag . I dropped off a hand bottle , drank an Ensure , got some water , and took off back down the hill . This next section had a lot of pavement , plus a reroute due to an Army helicopter crash on Mount Massive . I was hoping to get it over with quickly . I tried to run most of the pavement , and found some gravel on the shoulder more to my liking , so it ended up not being too bad but I still didn 't enjoy it . We were out in the open and even though it was still early in the day , temperatures were heating up and I looked forward to getting back into the woods . A bit of walking here and there , more running , across a field and onto the dirt road , yadda yadda yadda . I noticed a group of guys and thought one of them was Kirk Apt , but he turned out to be Les Jones , I think from Memphis . The detour started at the pipeline cut where we turned left and climbed a small hill . Crews and cars were lined up all along a field , waiting for their runners and cheering people onward . I wished for a bike handlebar bell so I could just go " ding ding " to acknowledge people 's cheers , like some riders last weekend in the bike race . I had been thinking about stopping at a porta - potty , but each time I passed one ( Fish Hatchery , at the pipeline , Box Creek ) I no longer needed to go . Not a quarter of a mile later I was again looking for a porta - potty - what 's up with that ? The course ran along the pipeline for a ways and then turned right onto a forest road . I continued a run / walk pattern , focusing on speed - walking whenever I wasn 't running . It started to feel like maybe I was pushing too hard , especially since I was still passing people and at the same time I was getting warm . My legs gave me a warning at the next little uphill , telling me that I needed to be careful not to push them too hard for too long . I remembered something similar at Bighorn , which turned into a huge issue . That was enough to get me to chill out and slow down this time . So finally I eased up a bit and bided my time to the next aid station , focusing on learning the intersections for the way back . We started to get a bit of cover from trees here and there . I also tried to appreciate that we weren 't on Halfmoon Road with cars and dust and stuff . But it took a rather long time to get to the aid station , and I had to ration the water in my one bottle . Finally I saw a small tent up ahead and I heard some kids asking runners if they wanted their drop bag - cool ! I ordered up my bag , they radioed ahead , and as soon as I walked into the aid station a guy handed it to me . Very nice . It only took a couple minutes to pick up a second bottle and a SPIZ baggie , fill both bottles , and drink an Ensure . The next section started out long and slow . I could see Mount Elbert in the distance and it seemed such a long way away . The road was slowly climbing and I was slowly slowing down . Guys around me seemed to be doing OK and they started slowly passing me . I had a major low point in here , questioning for the only time why the heck I was doing this . The road running had put me in a funk , and now I didn 't know where we were going or how long it would take to get there . It seemed like forever , but finally we passed by some aspens so I knew we must be getting up to a higher elevation . Then the flagging led away from the road and up a small trail , under some downed aspens and across a short spot of mud to a trail intersection . I was excited to get back to the normal course , back on the Colorado Trail . I knew exactly where I was , finally , and I was happy to be back in the shade of the trees . The rest of this section went much better , up and down and through the trees . I ran relaxed , which didn 't happen much during this race , and I really enjoyed it . I filled and drank a Spiz along the way , believing I was getting enough calories and electrolytes from it plus the Ensures . Starting along the downhill side , I was once again passing people . Descending was still working well . At the bottom I navigated the last , short and very steep descent into the aid station ( commenting to myself that it was pretty much the hardest part of that section , and I 'd sure like to NOT fall on my butt in front of a hundred people . . . ) . It took me a bit longer to get through this aid station because I switched from a waist pack to a backpack and poles with a Camelbak bottle system . I got ready as quickly as I could and then asked about a porta - potty . A lady directed me in the right direction and I finally left the aid station feeling a lot better . I also felt very comfortable with the backpack and poles . I made my way around the long - ish field and over to the creek crossing . The water was knee - deep and felt absolutely great . I ran part of the way to the trees and the start of the biggest climb of the course . I was ready with my trekking poles , ready to tackle the next big obstacle . However , not all of me was quite ready . When I started putting forth climbing effort , my legs didn 't quite react as I had hoped . OK , no problem , I decided to just find a pace that I could sustain , and I 'd get there eventually . It was an acceptable , but not very speedy , climb up the mountain . I figured I would see a lot of people as they passed by me . It actually took a little while for runners to start catching me , but eventually quite a few did . Well , that 's the way it goes . I had also hoped it would get cooler as we climbed , but that didn 't seem to be the case either . I started wondering if I should be taking some extra electrolytes , and in hindsight I think that would have helped . I wasn 't very motivated , though , because my throat was pretty dry , the salt tablets I carried are rather rough in texture , and I have trouble swallowing pills on a good day . I drank a serving of Spiz that I had been carrying , and hoped that would be enough . Partway up , I heard someone calling down the hill and saw Anton and his pacer running quickly down toward us . The pacer was letting everyone know he was coming , which I thought was a great idea . It certainly made it easy to get out of the way when many people were climbing with their heads down . I saw a couple more runners coming toward me as I made my way up above the trees and into a big field where a bunch of llamas were hanging out near some tents . I walked into the aid station , asking for some water to fill a Spiz baggie . The woman didn 't seem to know what to do about that , so I located an actual water jug that worked . Continuing on , there were a couple more runners coming down from the pass , but mostly I saw a long line of people going uphill . It became more of a struggle to climb , even with the help of the poles . I started having a strange problem where any exertion caused my stomach to knot up and threaten to cause problems . So I had to ease off some more , though my legs were holding up OK . I was glad that every time I felt like burping , it actually came out as a burp instead of something more solid . Turning up one of the last switchbacks , I paused for a second to prepare for the steep steps in front of me . One last big push and I was finally at the top - yay ! That was a relief . I started down the other side , using the poles to help with the steeper parts . Occasionally I had to move aside a bit for runners coming up , but mostly I demanded at least a partial part of the trail so I could continue without waiting for them to make their way past me . As I started seeing more people , I looked for ways to hop rocks and take the " high road " around them on the narrow trail . I heard a " whoop ! " and looked down to see John heading uphill toward me . Go John ! He looked a bit tired , and he was having climbing difficulties of his own . I was moving fast downhill and unfortunately didn 't have much time for a greeting . Good luck , see you at the finish , love ya ! The rest of the downhill went great and passed pretty quickly . At the bottom I turned right onto the dirt road and immediately knew that the next 5 miles out and back to Winfield were going to suck . Crew cars were going back and forth , and no matter how careful they were , they kicked up quite a bit of dust . I ran / walked up the road and checked my watch so I 'd have some idea when I might see the aid station . This was one spot that I had not scouted so I would just have to keep going until the aid station showed up . Finally I saw tents and cars off to the left - almost there ! I made my way into the aid station and was told to remove my pack for a weighing . The digital scale wouldn 't work very well , and it turns out that I was moving around too much - I told the guy I was just trying to breathe ! Finally it gave a reading , 4 pounds down from check - in . I was good to go . I found my drop bag and sat in a chair for some quick work . I went looking for some water for my bottles , and ended up waiting in line at the coolers . The place was loud , crowded , hot , and not at all appealing . I was so ready to get out of there , even with another 2 . 5 miles of dusty dirt road ahead of me . I checked out , gave a quick wave to Brandi , and got moving again . Back on the sucky road , at least I was going downhill and somewhat faster on the way back . I passed ( and smelled ) a couple campers sitting near the road smoking , which also sucked but was over with quickly . The fun part was seeing runners going the other way , cheering each other on , and especially greeting a few people that I knew - Ted and his girlfriend , Hans and Jean - Jacques , Markus , Ryan , John S . , Jamie from Austin , Larry and Beth , Allan , Liz , and I 'm sure I 'm missing a few . Partway down the road I glanced at my watch and happened to see it reset itself ( I 've been having problems with it lately ) . Amazingly , it happened at very close to 4 pm , or 12 hours into the race , so I let it be since the time was now about 4 minutes off from race time . I knew I was doing fine vs . the cutoffs , and that 's pretty much all I needed to know at that point . I wasn 't going to set any records ! The climb back up to Hope Pass was steep and a lot of work . I knew it wasn 't as long as the other side , but it was definitely tough . Every time a runner came downhill toward me I was perfectly happy finding a tree to lean on to get out of the way and try to catch my breath . My stomach problems continued , so I was moving dang slowly , and various people came up behind me as well . I worked on being patient , knowing I had plenty of time and that this was the biggest climb of the remaining course . It was nice to be in the trees , and partway up we also got some shadows as the sun started to drop behind the peaks . The cooler air was quite a relief . I wasn 't too far from the top when it was time to put together another Spiz . I debated waiting for the aid station on the other side , but decided to sit on a rock next to the trail instead . Better to give my stomach a few minutes for digestion before starting to run downhill . Markus came by me while I was working on the Spiz - Hi Markus ! A bunch of other people did too , including at least one female runner , maybe two . There was not a thing I could do about that . I had not seen many women near me ( besides pacers now accompanying many racers ) up until now . Time for some downhilling magic ! I was pretty excited that my legs were still working well as long as I didn 't have to exert myself . I pulled out my own version of vitamin I - my iPod . It was set for the best part of my playlist , so I had Anastacia to accompany me as I bopped and boogied down the mountain . Running fast over rocks and past runners was highly enjoyable , and I didn 't get tired of it the whole way down . It turns out that one other runner ( plus pacer ) kept up with me down the hill , and we stayed together across the field . The creek crossing felt great again , very nice . The pacer got on the phone with their crew , letting them know they were coming and ordering some green olives ( interesting ) . We had a nice chat and soon we were back at Twin Lakes . Kelly snapped my picture on the way into the aid station - Hi Kelly ! Brandi appeared right outside the aid station building , asking if I could use any help . Well , come on it , let 's find out ! We found my bag and I sat to change shoes while Brandi handed me things , emptied the Camelbak bottles for storage , and filled my hand bottles . One of my feet cramped up when it hit fresh air , so I had to sit for just a second before I could put a fresh sock back on . Brandi ran to get a cup of Coke so I could take one ibuprofen , then we put poles and stuff back in the drop bag ( Brandi even handled my wet shoes - that 's a real adventure racer right there ) and I was finally ready to go . It was a long stop , but totally worth it . I ( and my feet ) felt a lot better walking out of there . Thanks for the help , Brandi ! Another climb . Let 's do it . I was feeling better in the evening air , ready to get back on the Colorado Trail ( can you tell I really like that trail ? ) . The first little steep rise was a rude reintroduction to climbing uphill , but then the dirt road turned out to be half - decent and not too tough . Music in my ears helped me maintain an acceptable pace , and I enjoyed being mostly alone for the first time all race . This climb happens in pieces , with a nice traverse in the middle . It was also getting on towards dark , another thing to make me happy . Partway along the singletrack traverse I turned around to make sure there wasn 't someone right behind me waiting to pass . When I turned back forward I suddenly got dizzy . That was strange ! I instituted a policy of holding a hand in front of me to focus on when I turned back around , and that helped me maintain balance . The course met up with the Colorado Trail and I noticed a whole bunch of flagging across the " wrong way " split - that hadn 't been there before and I wondered what had caused someone to climb up to put it in place . Hopefully no one had gotten too lost ! More climbing , more climbing , but I was ready for this section so I had some patience for it . Near the top I stopped to drink a Spiz and take a bathroom break . Several people passed me in the growing darkness . I got out my handheld Fenix light to get a visual on the trail and then followed a couple runner / pacer pairs across a bridge without steps ( you would have to see it to understand what that means ) . They let me pass , as I started moving well along the singletrack once it leveled out . The trail did a bit of up and down , and I gained momentum . I was again most comfortable in this section , loving the soft surface , the weaving through the trees , the gentle swaying of the aspen trees . Not to mention the start of some longer downhills . I passed a couple runners , pushed to stay ahead of them up a long - ish hill , and then took off down the next long hill . Whoopee ! I went flying down , passing anyone I could get my hands on . The handheld light worked great , lighting up any rocks or roots , although the trail was mostly smooth and very runnable . I crossed a creek , went up one last short climb , then headed down toward the turn - off from the Colorado Trail . It was sad , but it was time for the detour onto forest service roads again . I continued my ( relatively ) fast descent , passing a couple more runners on the way to the Box Creek aid station . The route eventually leveled out and then made a slight climb . I reverted to speed - walking and focused on what I would need at the aid station . Again a group of kids asked if I wanted my drop bag - yes , thank you ! That was very cool . I was most impressed with the Box Creek people overall . After a quick stop for an Ensure and some Powerade ( for a change from the water diet I had been keeping ) , I was back on the road . I didn 't know this section beyond what I had seen earlier in the day , but I knew it was rather long . I was pretty patient about it , even passing a runner or two along the way , until I found the power line . At that point I felt slow and it seemed to take forever to reach the crew access parking lot . Probably because I could see car lights a long way before I got to them - but I got to them eventually . Someone was yelling racer numbers out to the long row of crew people . I tried to explain that I didn 't have a crew , but that didn 't seem to matter to them . Whatever , maybe they were tracking people . Moving on , down a little hill and up to the road . Here was the part I wasn 't looking forward to . I saw lightning in the distance and was glad it didn 't appear to be getting closer . I ran / walked along the dirt road and onto the field . Finally I had to face the pavement again , argh . I looked north to see cars moving toward Fish Hatchery - wow , they looked a long way away ! I sighed and started along the road . I found a few places I could run / walk on the side of the road on the dirt , so it wasn 't completely terrible . While I was walking ( which was more and more of the time ) , a runner came by carrying a stick . He turned out to be the actual Kirk Apt , and I went back and forth with him for most of the rest of the race . He was faster while he was moving , but I passed him in the aid stations . Eventually ( finally ! ) I made it to the Fish Hatchery aid station . It was a lot quieter this time through . I walked into the building and immediately found the first aid table and some Vaseline . My butt cheeks had a chafing problem that I was aware of but didn 't treat quickly enough . One of the things about getting tired is that you don 't feel like finding the med kit in the pack you are carrying . . . Next I sat in a chair and met a pacer from Texas . He turned out to be John Sharp 's pacer , so I was able to give him a bit of info about John and where I had seen him on the road to Winfield . He in turn got my drop bag for me and filled my water bottles - awesome , thanks ! I got out as quickly as I could and continued up the road . More pavement . And some music . . . what ? Up ahead I heard Air Supply blaring from a house . " I 'm all out of love , I 'm so lost without you " . . . what ? A pacer up ahead started singing and I couldn 't help but join in . Too strange ! I was pretty happy to reach the turn - off onto the trail toward Sugarloaf . Of course , that was before I started actually climbing up the mountain . Once that happened , I wasn 't quite so happy . But the first steep climb had a finite distance and I knew when I had reached the top of that , so even though I was moving slowly , at least it didn 't last too long . Next I ran down a short section and started a long climb through the trees . I thought I knew this section well enough , and I counted the number of times I crossed under the power lines ( I could hear them buzzing above me ) . That was all good , but then the trail continued up . . . and up . . . and I kept waiting for one of the two short drops , but it seemed to take forever to get there . I finally stopped to drink a Spiz and take a break . Here and there a runner and usually a pacer walked quickly past me . I was moving at a lethargic crawl , just trying to hold onto some semblance of uphill pace to keep my pride from completely disappearing . The longer it took , the slower I got , trying to keep my legs moving and my stomach intact . Les and the Gang hiked by , and I remarked that I wasn 't climbing worth a ( insert expletive here ) today . They told me they would see me on the downhill side , but I wasn 't so sure . After stopping a couple more times , maybe to pee or whatever , I finally caught sight of the big stump with the stone face on top that I had been looking for . If I had been hanging glow sticks , I would have definitely put one on that ! But no , you had to be looking for it . Or maybe you thought you were hallucinating . Anyway , it 's a neat landmark . And then finally , finally I reached some open space , I passed by the Colorado Trail turnoff , and I could start moving faster again . Phew . Even though it was more of a traverse with an uphill slant , at least I could speed - walk again . I could see May Queen lights and Turquoise Lake below me - very pretty in the darkness . An Asian man who had just passed me started running down the hill , so I jumped on the 2 - person train and followed . He had good downhill speed that I was able to match but not improve upon , so I stayed off his tail and focused on being nimble over the rockier sections . We ran rather swiftly downward , and as we made a sharp turn I saw more lights above us at the top of the mountain . Not as many below us , but we might have passed someone along the way , I 'm not sure . I lost track of the guy in front of me just before reaching Hagerman Road , but I kept running on the gentler downhill . No sense in giving up what little speed I had left . No cars , no dust , no noise except my feet padding along the nice dirt road . The turnoff onto the Colorado Trail was very well marked , and I was still feeling fine ( albeit a tad stiffer ) down the rocky technical descent . I came across Les and the Gang again - if only the race ended on a downhill , I might have had a chance to beat that group . I actually saw a whole slew of guys in this section of woods and they all graciously stepped aside to let me by . I was on a Mission to May Queen . I also knew that it wasn 't all downhill from here . In fact , there were a bunch of little uphills , now that I was tired enough to notice them . No wonder this part takes so much longer in this direction . I tried my best to get to the top of each rise before my stomach noticed I was exerting myself , and for the most part that worked OK . Finally the trail started back downhill , across a creek , and onto the road . I took the turn wide to pass a woman that I believe was a runner and not a pacer , not that it mattered to me . I could only do what I could do , I should reach my goal ( to finish ) , and I couldn 't help it if other people finished slower or faster than me . Brandi was hanging out at May Queen - hey , great to see you again , Brandi ! She was once again a huge help , especially since I was thinking and moving slower now , plus I had three extra items to think about that weren 't on my pre - written list ( and I have no idea now what they were ) . She told me that I had tons of time , and I told her that I 'd sure like to finish before it got hot out again . Motivation to keep moving ! I saw Kirk eating some soup , but that was about all I saw besides Brandi and my drop bag for the next couple minutes . Last drop bag , last Ensure , last aid station - yay ! Time to go . I walked out and made my way through the campground , looking toward the lights of Leadville . I started slowly on the singletrack trail , glad to be back in the woods but still having issues with the smallest of uphills . My forte ( downhills ) was done , now I just had to get through the last 13 miles to finish this thing up . The first landmark was an old mine ( with a neat pile of tailings in the water next to the shoreline ) , and that came quickly enough . A couple runners passed me , including Kirk and his pacer . Later I saw another small mine . A couple more runners passed me , but slower now . I was still able to speed - walk . I drank the Spiz I had been carrying . A couple more miles to the boat ramp . Yep , I was getting tired ! At least it was still dark and cool , and I was closer to home . A small , muted crowd of crew folks was hanging out at the boat ramp and I passed silently by . The next section of lake trail turns flatter and easier , which by now wasn 't quite what I needed - I preferred the more technical previous section for keeping me awake and alert . Ah well , must keep moving forward , always forward . Trying to follow the glow sticks was the most challenging part of this section . Some seemed to be hidden under leaves and a lot fainter than they must have been at the start of the night . Someone passed me going the other direction and I wondered if he was checking on the glow sticks . I had to stop a couple times and look for the next little light , but I didn 't lose too much time . After crossing the big boat ramp I got pretty sleepy and slow . After a bathroom break , I finally hit the road crossing and passed a jeep with a blinking light attached to it . The short , steep mini - powerline downhill woke me up again , and I jumped into a small group of runners who were talking a bit . We traveled along the dirt road together for a short ways and I enjoyed listening to a snippet of conversation . Then I was able to turn on the " run / walk " again along the railroad tracks , knowing that this was basically the last of the non - uphill section and I should try to make the most of it . I was alone when I turned left up the last steep climb , so I didn 't feel quite so slow since I wasn 't getting passed right and left . It was still dark but getting closer to dawn , and once I got to the dirt road on top I was able to turn off my light . It didn 't take long for other lights to pop up the hill behind me , and since the next 3 miles go gently uphill , I was pretty sure they would all pass me soon . Sure enough , Les and the Gang came jogging by ! It was fun to see them again , even if I couldn 't keep up with them . I watched another guy run by , grunting and gasping . He slowed to a walk and started weaving back and forth . However , he was staying ahead of me so all I could do was watch in amazement . Then someone came running strong behind me , and it turned out to be Markus ! Wow , he was running uphill , and it looked like he was going to do that all the way to the finish . Way to go , Markus . I speed - walked , feeling fine and not wanting to risk any strange or unnatural effort for no good reason that might cause cramps or something stupid so close to the finish . What would that get me ? A few minutes off my time , which really didn 't mean much to me . Instead , I continued a solid forward pace and hoped John wasn 't getting cold waiting for me . I turned onto a paved road , stayed on the dirt shoulder until I had to cross , and then took a deep breath to help me up the last little steep - ish rise . A couple spectators cheered me onward . I crested the hill , saw the finish line ahead , and was still able to run down the other side ( although by now it probably didn 't look all that much like running ) . Then I walked it in the rest of the way , except for a quick stop to give John a kiss when I saw him a block from the end . Thanks John ! He told me I could run across the finish line , but it just didn 't seem like the thing to do , so I celebrated my excellent speed - walking by continuing it across the finish line . I broke the " tape " at 26 hours , 39 minutes after starting - sweet ! And I got flowers at the finish line , that was also sweet . Plus a really nice necklace at the awards ceremony AND a set of prizes for finishing 3rd in my age group . That was a really nice surprise , but I was even more shocked to find out later that I was the 10th place female . Hey , I didn 't tell you that I had a secret goal of placing in the top 10 women ! I had given up on that early on in the race , especially when there was no way of knowing where I stood at any point . But it was a nice way to finish it off , just over 5 minutes ahead of the next woman . |
Again and again these words bounced through my head but why ? Conversations in a dark smoky room behind a heavy steel door . Had I been drunk ? The memories are hazy . A man in a suit sitting behind a desk . This is important , he said , write this down , he said . Rings of thick cigar smoke float through the air masking all features in this dismal light . The cigar smoking man just sits on the corner of the desk and he just … stares at me . Sometimes the smoke is in my face and I want to cough . I remember the needle , the van . The bearded man had asked me for directions and suddenly I was staring into it . The sun . Some people say look up if you have to sneeze . Sunday … Sunday … Sunday ? Easter Sunday … but … no . Easter Tuesday . This had been important . But I can 't remember why . Was it the Tuesday before or after Easter ? What did any of this have to do with me ? I 'm just some nobody . I awoke about an hour ago to the sound of screeching tires and I saw that white van speeding away . My head pounded and I tasted copper . I sat up to find myself in some alley in the factory district . All decaying cobblestones and filthy smokestacks spewing black poison into the air . No one lived down here anymore , not even bums . My nostrils burned and my head ached as I struggled to my feet , leaning against a crumbling brick wall . No sooner than I had stood up , I was doubled over by a twisting knot in my stomach . I heaved twice but nothing came out . The copper taste , the wrenching gut , the swimming head . The needle . … and the smokestacks billowed in rings that the sun could hardly pierce . It was strange , at first . Strange and terrifying . If there 's one thing I 've learned through this it 's that us humans are capable of adapting to just about anything . I always wanted to believe in a god or the God or ghosts or aliens or anything really … anything more than just … this . I 've always been too much of a skeptic . I can 't believe in something I can 't see or feel or touch . The funny thing is that nothing has really changed . We all still just go about our daily business like so many insects . Hell , even more so , now . But what are you supposed to do ? You and your family still need to eat . You still need to go to work . You still go bowling . You still hang out with your friends or catch a movie . You still take that trip to the shore . Things are just … a little more unpredictable now . No one ever really wants to think about what it would be like to no longer be at the top of the food chain . No one wants to think that maybe aliens or gods or ghosts are somehow innately superior to us . In this day and age half of us believed we were our own gods … we worshipped only man and our skyscrapers , our cities , our technology were a living testament to our own narcissistic self - devotion . I 've never considered myself the arrogant type , but it 's hard not take a little bit of pride in being the pinnacle of what creation has to offer . How we fall . Maybe we are a bit more than ants to them , but certainly no more than dogs : occasionally amusing pets that sometimes need to be punished . The violent and the unreal . The smell of electricity and the sound of the rushing wave . The calm at the center of a nightmare storm . The heat and glow of molten rock . With all of these things I was now familiar . When I was a kid , I remember looking at a globe and thinking , ' so this is what the world looks like , ' with a sense of concrete permanence . Something stable , something true . Something not open to interpretation . The world map has been redrawn 3 or 4 times since then . Valleys are forged and rivers are cut . Tectonic plates shift and collide and the continents draw closer together . A massive mountain spirals towards the heavens in the middle of the Atlantic . " They " call it Olympus II . No one really knows what happened . They certainly aren 't telling us and our scientists are baffled . One day they just … woke up . I was 22 when it happened . I don 't know if it was fate or luck or maybe the opposite of both , but I found myself at ground zero . Some friends of mine wanted to go see Wrestlemania in Miami and we had flown out for the weekend . In retrospect , they must have been watching us for a while … why there ? Why then ? We were walking through the woods near our village and a caterpillar caught my eye . It was an ugly bastard . Green and red with spiky parts poking out and my mother told me to stay away from it because it was poison . My mother said that this caterpillar , this worm , was unique . She spent her whole life wishing she could be something else and then , after emerging from her cocoon , she spread her gorgeous painted wings to fly , but there was a price . During the transition from poison worm to fluttering butterfly , an irreversible and catastrophic change had taken place . She wanted to wait until the egg hatched , so she could tell her sons or daughters about their fate . She wanted to tell them that maybe it 's ok to be a worm . She wanted to tell them not to spend their whole lives running towards a light that burns when you finally reach it . The jungle got denser as I went on . Even if there had been a path it would have been impossible to find it . No moon , no visibility . No smell . I 'm running now . Full speed ahead . Skip a root , duck a branch . A thorn bush tears at my leg and I can feel little beads of blood dripping down . Keep moving . Maybe if I run fast enough they will cease to follow . Maybe if the future can become a blur , the past can too . Maybe if the lights become a streak instead of a point , the point can disappear . I leap to a crouch and pull my knife from belt and see I am surrounded by unfamiliar faces . They are afraid . They shield each other with their arms , pushed back against their tents . I look at them and they look at me and the forest behind me bursts open with my kin that had given chase . " Go . " I say . " I am no leader and I have no use for you . As you have cast me out , so will I to you . Go , before I change my mind . " I stop for a long while , examining the amulet in my hand and Oddr 's corpse . Is it possible that I was less alone than I was always made to feel ? Is it possible that I can be regarded by other feelings aside fear and disgust ? These people , they don 't know what to think . A girl comes up to me and offers me something in a waterskin . It smells foul . It tastes foul . Roger wore a large gold ring and I took it as proof of his death while my men finished off the rest of the guests and similarly robbed their belongings . I looked the ring over and I realized that I had never truly looked at gold before and the vibrancy of it astonished me . I was keenly aware of the ever - so - slight fluctuations of shade I assumed had been created by whatever the metal had been combined with to increase its strength . I turned back to look at the blaze to see that the shades of gold stood out among the infinitely minute reds and blues and greens , and it was beautiful . I found that it reminded me of a time once that I had been talking to my father and as I looked at him , I was overcome with the feeling that I was seeing him in such a way as I had never seen him before . There had been no profound change in him and nothing out of the ordinary had happened . It was like I was simply seeing him from an angle I hadn 't encountered before , or with a light that never shone before . I thought to ask him if he had experienced this … if he could relate to me . I thought to ask him if there were two sides to every man as there are two sides to every story . As I wondered if this was some skill I had somehow accidentally discovered the feeling faded as quickly as it had come on and , though I tried , I could never regain it , and I was again locked in my singular view , unable to escape . The trees swayed and swerved and melted and whispered , and in my mind I could see myself running the other way … away from walls . Away from Brand . Away from Edwin and Marie . I am suddenly aware of the tear in my armor … the tear in my flesh … where the neck meets the breast . This divergence becomes obvious to me . Becomes plain to me . I can trace every path backward , but the one ahead is more difficult . I can see a choice . The same choices we all have . Maybe Fate is not just one path . Maybe everything is not decided . Maybe each of the Norns has a separate plan for us , or maybe I 've just slipped through the cracks . I pull the ivory coffin out from under my shirt , where it has again made its home , and roll it between my thumb and forefinger . Am I bound by this fate or are other fates bound to me ? Do I cut through this sea with my dragon 's head spewing fire before me or do I simply follow in its wake , drawn by a power greater than myself ? I continue through the forest and before long a breeze carries with it the familiar scents of the city . The coal and wood burning . The sex and the sweat . The blood and the alcohol . Even at night I can feel the warmth emanating from the thick stone walls . I can smell a baby crying and a mother 's tears … and I laugh . I stop and I laugh . A long , howling laugh from somewhere deep in my gut and I 'm doubled over with tears of my own streaming down my face and I can taste them in the corners of my broken grin . By this time I was exhausted . My body felt ready for collapse yet strangely kinetic . I made my way as far as the stable where I had gutted the Fool and stopped a while to rest . I walked into the usual dismal light of The Troll to find Brand upstairs , standing over a table where a man I hadn 't seen before was seated . He was pointing and yelling but I couldn 't make out what he had said and he stopped when he saw me come through the door . " We 'll finish this later , " he said to the man who had now turned to look at me , his eyes squinting in the darkness . Brand walked over to me saying , " You look like shit , Warlock . Sit down . Have a … have a drink . " There was a nervous note in his voice that I wasn 't accustomed to hearing . He was usually brimming with confidence . " You 're doing good , Kol … doin good … doin good , " Brand said as he patted me on the back . " This was … uh … this was an important job . That guy over there ? He thinks I should dispose of you . Kill you in your sleep . Poison your mead . Something like that . " I glanced at the drink in my hand and he chuckled , " Haha … don 't worry . I think he 's wrong . Those people you killed ? You said you wanted to know right ? That guy Roger ? He was the leader of the Turtannus Merchant 's Guild , which is just a fancy name for more crooks and thieves . My competition … that 's all . Only they paid enough to the guards and kings and dukes or whatever to become officially sanctioned . Just more thieves in prettier clothes . That bastard Reynard 'll be here any minute I 'm sure . Better hide you somewhere before he shows up . " The door opens to an empty room . The chandelier has only one candle lit and it casts a dim light over the room . The empty chairs , the scarred table cast shadows across the old salt and blood stains . Water drips down from a crack in the ceiling . I can hear the door open upstairs followed by raised voices . The ceiling between us makes it impossible to hear what is being said . A minute later and he door at the top of the stairs opens and people come scrambling down and I swallow Roger 's ring . A second after that the door bursts open . Reynard says , " I know that 's not true . I know you were outside of the city . You think a little bit of gold will buy your way out of this , you 're seriously fucking mistaken . " Reynard turns to look at him and then back to me . " What ? This piece of shit ? " He brings his hand back to punch me and I stand up , and he shrinks back . " I fell . I was walking through the woods and I tripped over a stump . It wasn 't healed yet and it tore open . That 's all . " After our battle with the Koli , the ones that were left were as terrified of me as my kin were . We walked into their villages and they came out of their homes , offering us their jewels and gold , their daughters and sons . We razed one village to the ground with the people trapped inside because they didn 't give us enough . We herded them into the largest hut and shut the door and set it ablaze . Then we watched the screaming fire turn to ash and some of the men were laughing and drinking . A woman tried to escape , her hair wild forked tongues of orange and red . She broke through one of the walls and ran and then there was an arrow through her leg and she was pushed back into the fire . Her horrified eyes met mine for a split second before she became one with the flames . And I felt nothing at all . Not happy , not sad , neither unrepentant nor remorseful . Just … vacant . Matter - of - fact . A way of life , nothing more . I began to wonder if there would come a time when I would no longer be able to distinguish the lines between when I should and shouldn 't care . When I could and could not . When the hut was nearly demolished I noticed , for the first time , that the image of a serpent consuming itself had been etched into one of the eaves . I recognized the symbol as that of Jormungandr , the world serpent , and wondered if he protected this place . If so , we were surely doing the work of Thor , and that was enough to make me happy for a moment . I smiled as the walls made their final collapse and some charred bones poked up out of the rubble . I was in the boat with the elder this time and as we went up the river the Koli started to appear on the banks again . They wore their masks and face paint and waved their spears . They beat on drums and danced an evil dance . After a time , their numbers began to thin out and eventually there was just one and he stood on an island in the middle of the river , naked except at the waist and with a short stick in his hand . He didn 't watch as the boats in front of ours passed , he just looked straight ahead . Straight at me it seemed , or straight through me . A boat full of slaves passed by him , pleading and crying and he did not waver . As our boat neared , the rhythmic , wave - like drums began again , from players unseen . The beat quickened and soon it became a frenzied rush of noise . Our boat passed and the single man turned to follow us with his gaze . When we were about five boat lengths away , he put the stick to his mouth and the drums stopped . A moment later , the elder put a hand to his neck and pulled out a tiny arrow , and the man disappeared into the brush . A boat was lined with sticks and reeds and a bed of furs was made in it . Someone had begun sewing the elder new clothes for the afterlife , but the elder 's son feared attack and procured some relatively untarnished ones for him . The elder 's nails were cut close , lest Naglfar find us soon , and his beard and hair were trimmed . The boat was loaded with gold and riches and a saddle and stirrups and all the elder 's weapons and armor . Two of the new slave girls were made to drink mead until they were drunk and led to sit in the boat and finally the elder was laid on the furs , his hands folded across his chest . A bonfire raged on the shore and the sparks and embers floated into the night as the boat was pushed out . Three men lined up behind the fire with their bows drawn , and when the boat had floated about three lengths out , they fired their resin - soaked arrows through the bonfire and lit the funeral boat ablaze . I was awoken in the pre - dawn by a commotion and I opened my eyes to see that a group of my kinsmen surrounded me . They all talked at once until the elder 's son , the new chief , stepped forward saying , " Both our fathers are dead , and you are to blame . That dart that killed my father was meant for you , and we don 't want you here anymore . Go , now , before you bring more bad luck upon us . " I contemplated destroying them all … but I knew that was not the answer , and I knew they were no threat to me . They were afraid of the consequences that killing me might entail . They were afraid of the demon 's black blood that supposedly burned in my veins . I owned nothing more than my implements of war . A sword , an axe , some mismatched armor . I looked over the armor and kept only the chainmail shirt I sometimes wore , and the weathered shield I rarely used . Teetering on the edge of collapse … spinning through the void . Somewhere , there 's a foothold … somewhere there 's a handhold . Something to grab on to if only for a little while . Something to calm the vibration . Something to soothe the catastrophe . The feeling ebbs for a second and I become aware of where I am … what I 'm doing . Staring down this hill staring at my sword and thinking this nonsense , while my three soldiers stare at me . Focus , Kol . Control . Breathe . Control . I arrive at a gate and the guards don 't know what to make of me . They try to talk to me . They think I 'm just some crazy person . The next thing I know the gate is open and I 'm swinging and this time it isn 't at air . I find truth in the definitive . I find truth in the tangible . And if there 's one thing I know it 's truth … truth . Truth . Truth … . truth ? If you say any word enough times it starts to lose its meaning and just like that , ' truth ' becomes a lie . Screams now , from the other guests and they 're backing into the corners and their heading for the doors and one , two , three , find my truth . None can escape . I am too obvious and they would end my life just as I have ended these and maybe it would be for the best . And the screams echo through my head and the cries for help and the pleadings for mercy . Cattle and I slaughter you . Bleating like sheep . Bleeding like cattle . Where 's the one I came for ? Roger … what a stupid name . Where is he ? Tell me or you die . And you tell me and you die . And the blood blossoms on the floor like a caterpillar from its cocoon . Beautiful and metamorphic . And your hateful soul scratches at me and tears , and the look in your eyes … the feeling of your final choking breath . And the smell … My world is upside down and right side up and side side down and what has changed ? I 'm hurt , I can feel it and this … this … armor … it 's tearing my skin off . My neck is a gaping wound where the flesh has separated from itself like a piece of old fabric leaving the muscle underneath exposed and I can feel it , but there is no pain . A spear flies through the air and the man with the net comes tumbling down on top of me with crushing weight . There is no pain but there should be . There is no feeling except loss . Will I ever feel again ? Is this the end of my ' life ? ' Does truth destroy life ? Now someone 's cutting the net and saying boss , get up , we can 't do this without you and I 'm standing up and I 'm squinting through the blood in my eyes . No , not the blood haze , it abandoned me . Not the rage , this is … too sterile . And as he turns to face me I say " Roger ? " and he says , " Yes , and you can tell … " and I run him through . I don 't care , Roger . I don 't care . You think I don 't know you but I know me . And I am you and you are me and there is no beginning or end . One cataclysm after another or maybe all at once . I spent the trip home fading in and out of consciousness . When he wasn 't yelling at me to hold on , he was filling my head with spoken knowledge of swordplay . When to strike and when to defend , what to do against an opponent bigger or stronger than you and against one faster . When to run . When to hold fast . How to flank a unit of archers and how to beat an opponent on horseback . So many things I hadn 't ever even considered and I wondered if I could ever master them all . My strength , he said , my determination and my abandon might be enough to beat most opponents but not all . Skill trumps strength . Skill trumps speed and aggression . I had the potential to be a great warrior … among the best , but I had to learn to temper my energy with skill and knowledge . When I had recovered , we did it again . And again . And again . Each time I got a little bit better . A little bit closer to victory . Each time I learned from my mistakes and I didn 't repeat them . The rage and the blood haze … each time I learned a little bit more control . A rampaging beast is of no use to anyone . An angry bull will occasionally turn on the cows it aims to protect and have to be put down . Slowly … a little bit at a time … I transformed from a liability into an asset and my body transformed into a tangle of old scars and fresh wounds . After a month I was able to stumble home on my own . After three I could jog . There came a day when I was sure my skill had surpassed my master 's . I ran to meet him in the field of blood flowers and he was nowhere to be found . I waited and waited and waited until the sun began to set and still there was no sign of him . I went home sullenly and found that he had been by my house while I was gone and left a note with my father . The spring came quickly after that and the men began preparing for another raid . This time we were headed south along the big river to find the brown men , the Koli , that lived in the deserts . It was said they had towers of gold that reached the clouds and their women were strong and beautiful . We sailed out into the ocean , and then turned east to meet the mouth of the big river . This far north the water was still freezing cold and off in the distance ice floes could be seen shifting here and there . We reached the big river and one by one our ships turned south . As we passed through the mouth a red spot appeared on the ice along the bank and it grew as we watched , its tiny tendrils creeping along in crystalline patterns . After it grew to a certain point , about as big as a wagon , the center started to melt and cave in and we all watched in awe as it crumbled into itself . We picked up speed as we caught the prevailing wind and the river opened up and the men started to talk a little bit more . One of them , Oddr , said that a Koli had come to the village and tipped us off about the tower of gold ; that he had sold out his own people and that he hadn 't wanted anything in return . He said he guessed it was about a woman and laughed and the rest of the men laughed too , but I noticed as he glanced back towards the mouth of the river that there was no joy in his face . Our eyes met for a second and he turned away , spitting into the water . A week down the river and the weather was getting warmer and the grass was getting greener . We saw a few of the Koli here and there and it looked to me like they wouldn 't have any gold at all . The ones we saw were old and hobbled and barely wore any clothes or jewelry or even shoes . Some gathered on the river banks as we passed by and yelled things I couldn 't understand . Oddr said that they were telling us to go home and threatening us with curses . He couldn 't understand them either , he said , except for a few words . The further down river we went , the more of them appeared , and the quieter they became . Some of them had painted faces at first and then some of them had masks and shields and spears . The men started to pull on their armor and shields and I did the same . Not five minutes later , the lead boat sounded a horn and the boats began to dock along the eastern bank of the river in a clearing . Some of the Koli had gathered here and they moved only far enough to allow the boats to dock without being run over . A second later a spear whizzed through the air , impaling one of the men , and then they were just everywhere . We were surrounded and I leapt to my feet , and the blood haze crept in and my toes and fingertips boiled . I meant to run to them but they ran to us . I cut them down like the reeds along the river bank and they bent and crumpled all around me . I had gotten separated from my father and I as I tried to find him , one of them tried to sneak up behind me . I heard his breath , I smelled his blood . I felt his bare footsteps in the sodden earth and I turned to strike , Thursbanr coming down across his shoulder and cutting through to his sternum as the top half of his torso kind of peeled away . I turned again and just as I did so I saw one of the Koli driving an axe through my father 's face . I watched as his eyes went dim and the blood poured out of his nose and mouth . Instantly , reflexively , I threw my own axe and the Koli that had taken him suffered the same fate , but I felt the same . Devastated ? Relieved ? Free ? Right now , angry would serve me best , and so I embraced it , and I became that raging beast . As the corpses piled up around me , I eventually became aware that none of my people were even fighting anymore . They were just watching me slaughter these poor brown men … one by one , or three by three , or ten by ten . It didn 't matter . Some of them tried to throw their spears , some of them threw rocks or shot darts . One of them blew a sparkling dust in my face … and there was just no way I was ever going to stop . My heart felt ready to burst and my veins burned and I breathed like a raging bear and I had suffered countless wounds , but I maintained control , and they just kept dying . No challenge , here . None at all , and I spit and threw away my weapons . And still they kept coming and I broke their bones and I shattered their skulls and I cracked their ribs . Some that lay moaning on the ground beneath me tried to trip me and I ground their hands into bloody chunks of bone . Eventually one came , and he had no weapons , and he had no armor . His face was painted and his hair stood on end in a crazy spiral . He entered into my pit of death and he nodded to me and then he came at me . He was fast , but I was faster . He was strong , but I was stronger . He drew blood , but I drew life , and I watched as he coughed his final cough and bled out into the soil , atop the bodies of his friends and family . |
My sister had said that the exploratory procedure would likely be done first thing in the morning . The GI specialist said , no , because my mom was still so bloated that they might damage the colon . By noon , they had gotten the swelling down far enough for the procedure and . . . The GI doctor utterly disagrees with the " other " doctor - - sorry , I don 't know what the " other " doctor is . First , he is not convinced that what they see on the CT scan is , in fact , a mass . He thinks it is most likely a kink in the colon . Second , he really doesn 't think that it involves the ovaries . The GI doctor recommends an immediate laparoscopy , with possible removal of the affected area of the colon . My sister asked when that would be done ; he couldn 't tell her . Today ? I really don 't know . What does immediate mean in the world of hospitals , if it 's not going to be done as soon as possible ? I know what it means : The disagreeing doctors have to get together and figure out how to cover their respective asses while deciding what to do about my poor mother . The good news is that she has finally allowed them to give her morphine , so she 's resting more quietly . The bad news is that . . . we have no news . ( GI = gastrointestinal ) I have had several posts written in my mind over the last several days . I might as well put them all here . Post # 1 : TuesdayMy mom is in the hospital , and I 'm worried . She hasn 't been feeling well for a week or so , and Jane says she has been refusing to eat or drink for 4 days now . Mother says it hurts , it 's just her usual GI problems , and it will get better . Well , it hasn 't gotten better , so Jane has taken her to the ER ; there is clearly some intestinal blockage because she is bloated and in pain . Initial blood tests have ruled out an infection , so the three likely candidates , in ascending order of severity , are - - 1 . Acute constipation2 . A kink in the colon3 . A tumorMy sense of likelihood : 3 , 2 , 1 . With any luck we 'll have a diagnosis tomorrow afternoon . The not knowing is terrible . The gut feeling is worse . I really hate this : Hold us in your prayers . Post # 2 : WednesdayPart 1 . The diagnosis is in : Constipation with an attitude . That 's what the nurse told my sister . They will do an endoscopy on Friday to rule out other problems , but right now the doctor 's concern is to - - ahem - - clear the way for that procedure . Part 2 . I 've been talking with God a lot the last 24 hours . I told him that he would have one pissed - off widow to deal with if he wasn 't careful . And one thing is very clear : DON ' T PISS OFF THE WIDOW . Of course , I had to back off : My mother 's health is not about me . It is not about me . When Jane got sick earlier this year , I realized that I had reached the stage that the widow board refers to as Beyond Active Grieving . I don 't see everything through the lens of my grief ; widowhood is no longer central to my identity ; the world is NOT ABOUT ME . I could look beyond my sadness and really be there for Jane , not see her illness as yet another thing happening to me . But when it was MOTHER . . . that was a different story . Dammit , God ! I need her . Don 't you do this to me ! Whoa . Back off , Pentha . This isn 't about you , remember . Okay , you 're right . But , jeez , you really had me scared there . " Constipation with an attitude " : I Whoop , Whoop The Magnolia Spa Pedicure : This treatment is designed to address the concerns of dry and rough skin on feet and lower legs . In addition to our regular pedicure , this service includes treatment with an orange peeling cream containing natural silica beads ( a gentle exfoliation scrub ) , a seaweed masque , relaxing foot massage with a nourishing beauty spa cream and an essential oil , and a paraffin treatment . The description neglects to mention that one is seated in a full - size electric massage chair while all these wonders are being worked on the feet . Bliss . Thanks for coming with me , Beata ! Well its official . . . I get the keys to my new house tomorrow . Now all i have to worry about is moving all my stuff , which will be Fridays problem : ) Really looking forward to moving though , because now to get to work all i have to do is walk 100m down the road and I 'm knocking on my office door . In turn this means i now only have to get out of bed at about 8 : 45 to get to work by around 9 : 00 ish . Also no longer will i have to sit in the traffic in the morning . I will post some pics of the new place so you can all see . In other news . . . . . I will no longer be trekking down to durbz for the long weekend , as i found out today that Rhain will be out the country and that was my lift down . so will have to see if i can make another plan for another time . Anyway Hope you all well . . . Baz Mary and her husband have been attending my parish for 4 or 5 years . ( I say " attending , " because they haven 't joined and they don 't participate in any of the events outside of liturgy . ) She came up to me during coffee hour this morning and said , I 'm so sorry about your husband . I can only imagine the confused expression that must have covered my face . Your husband , who died 3 years ago . Oh , yes . Thank you . What the hey ? I mean I always saw you with your kids and I knew that a deacon had died , but I didn 't know he was your husband . And I wanted to tell you how sorry I am . And she 's smiling , like she 's so proud of herself for figuring it out . Ohhh - kaaaayyyy . Thank you . I smiled back at her and continued on my search for Rock . This woman has been standing one row behind me and the boys for 4 or 5 years , and she 's only now realized that Deacon Nicholas was my husband ? Good grief . Actually , to borrow a line from a friend , There 's nothing good about grief , and this woman really got under my skin this morning . Lots of my blogging friends are on weight - loss programs , but I don 't want to be accountable to y ' all . I don 't want to publish a goal and have to report back . So I 'll just say that I 'm trying to - - wish me luck . Ron has returned to his blog ; so I 've put his name back on my link list . Is anyone in touch with Sandy ? I know why she closed her blog , and I would so like to know how things are , how she is . I am . . . MerlotSmooth , confident , and popular - I 'm the type most likely to order wine for the whole group . I seem to breeze through life on my intuition and wit . And no one seems to mind ! I 'm comfortable in any social situation I find myself in , and I never feel outclassed . And while I live a charmed life [ ed : Yeah , right ! ] , I never let it go to my head . I am truly down to earth and a great friend . Deep down I am : Balanced and mature . My partying style : Surprisingly wild . . . when I let loose , I really let loose . My company is enjoyed best with : Some greasy pizza . What Kind of Wine Are You ? A few of my IRL friends are facing the imminent deaths of parents and parent - figures ; I want to be supportive , but really - - " At least his / her suffering is over . . . she / he lived a full life . . . his / her work on earth was done . . . she / he is always with you in spirit . . . call me , anytime , whatever you need , really , let me know how I can help . " Our parish food festival is next weekend . . . and I really don 't want to help . I barely even want to go . The food festival is always Labor Day weekend , and I want to do SOMETHING ELSE . Ugh , the guilt . School starts in 2 days , 16 hours , and 17 minutes . Yesterday IFolded all the laundryScrubbed all the bathrooms ( 3 . 5 ) Cleaned the laundry roomScrubbed the laundry room floor and the hall from the garage to the family roomEntered ALL the receipts from our summer travels into Quicken - - that took more than 3 hours ! Got the boys to pick up and vacuum the family roomDang , I 'm good ! Today I will reconcile the summer 's credit card statements . Blyeah . Then I 'll put away all the laundry I folded yesterday ( actually , Rock has already put his own away . . . now to get HardPlace to do the same ) . HardPlace got into rocks this summer , totally into them . He got ( either as gifts , or with his own money , or from his own scavenging ) quartz , amethyst , hematite , turquoise , limestone , shale , petrified wood , coral , mica , granite , pumice , pyrite , malachite . Rocks , rocks , rocks . Back home in Maryland , he found a big ol ' rock in the back yard and hammered it in two with a chisel . Surprise : Quartz ! First , he shaped a few arrowheads . Then he smoothed a few chunks into interesting shapes . The he attached one of his arrowheads to a nice straight stick and made a bona fide arrow . Then he wrapped picture wire around a few pieces with a little loop on top to make pendants . Then he set up shop : He built a table with stray wood pieces . He wrote prices for everything . He hauled it all to the sidewalk . And Rock started calling out to passing cars and pedestrians , " Rocks for sale ! Rocks for sale ! " Thank goodness for generous neighbors : I think HardPlace earned $ 1 . 50 for his efforts . That success brought forth an entrepeneurial spirit . HardPlace and the boy across the street started coming up with ideas for earning money . Neighbor # 1 gave them 25 cents for each trash / recycling container they dragged from the curb to the house . Neighbor # 2 gave them 50 cents for each grocery bag of pine cones . Then they raked and bagged all of Neighbor # 2 's leaves and each earned $ 5 . HardPlace 's business partner is out of town this week , so he 's turning elsewhere for amusement . He and Rock are actually learning how to be brothers : Rock is growing up enough that the two of them can share interests and work together on projects . They can sit together playing Matchbox cars on the computer or building Legos side - by - side . One day last week , I heard HardPlace say something I never ever thought I would hear : " Please come outside and play with me , Rock . PLEASE . " School starts in 6 days , 22 hours , and 43 minutes . Not that I 'm counting , mind you . Of course , I cannot wait to have breathing space for myself . But I am also going to miss the boys ' sweetness around thSea level I have now been tagged for this meme three times ( Trish the cheater , Michelle the plagiarist , and Marsha who has yet to earn an appellation ) . I guess I 'd better do it . Eight Random Facts About MeThe first poem I ever memorized was A certain slant of light by Emily Dickinson . I was in 6th grade and had never read anything so beautiful ; it still brings shivers to my soul . ( Neither the reading nor the memorizing was a school assignment , btw . ) When I was 12 , I did a handstand against the front door - - and put my heel right through the door . I fulfilled my language requirement at Northwestern with the highest score ever recorded on the Latin placement exam . Ten years later , it made Nick crazy that I couldn 't translate half the Latin we encountered in books , movies , monuments , museums , etc . I was totally done with , through , finished with , and out of menopause by the time I was 34 . I attended my first Melkite Divine Liturgy in 1984 in Ibillin . I was staying in the home of now - Bishop Elias Chacour for 3 weeks , helping him prepare for summer camp for hundreds of children . Ten years later , Nick and I started attending our local Melkite parish regularly ; we switched rites in 1998 , before HardPlace was baptized . I am the reigning Queen of Cherry - Stem Tying - - that is , tying the stem with your tongue ( mine is on the right ) . Having delayed doing this meme means that there are precious few folks out there who haven 't been tagged . I 'll be wicked and tag eight of my NON - blogging readers - - Aliene , Taina , Beata , NJN , Ron , ElizabethP , and my unidentified ( but known to SiteMeter ) readers in Fayetteville ( Arkansas ) and Durham ( North Carolina ) . Since you don 't keep a blog , post a comment and tell us about yourselves ! and when we looked down from the top of the 99 steps , this is what we saw . Later in the day , Katie and me walked the full length of the furthest pier . The last bit can be quite scary , especially if there is any wind , but I was ok because Katie held my hand . Yesterday , one of my favorite Washington Post columnists posted a link to an amazing article written by a woman whose father had killed himself . The article was written in 1996 , 20 years after her father 's suicide . Of course , reading it brought to mind all my widowed friends whose spouses killed themselves . I wanted to send the link to every one of them . But why ? What possible purpose could doing so serve ? What could they possibly gain from the article ? More important , what was my motive in sending it ? Did I think it would " help " them in some way ? Did sending it show how sincere and compassionate I am ? Did sending it prove that I " get it " ? I agonized . My SOS readers know that I didn 't send the link to everyone . I did send it to one person , and my angst grew as I wrote to her . Good grief : Her husband shot himself in front of her . How could reading this article not rouse visceral reactions , images she would rather forget and never will ? I wound up writing her the most convoluted , tortuous note I 've ever written , telling her to read it or not and asking her to forgive me if sending her the link was the wrong thing to do . Ugh . She responded very quietly , making no reference to her own responses to the article : Thanks for sending the article . It is a good one , in my opinion . You might want to consider posting the link on the board . She didn 't hate me ; she wasn 't angry ; she approved of the article ; she suggested sharing it more broadly . But I 'm still anxiety - ridden . Ugh . Ahhhh , yes . I was regaling you with tales of my adventures in the great Southwest . I 'd mentioned that I was going to have a rendezvous with my MIL from hell . Everything was fine . Isn 't she a nice - looking lady ? ( God , I 'm evil . Really I am . ) We met near Sedona and browsed a line of Navajo vendors . One woman asked where we were from . Me : My boys and I are from Maryland ; my mother - in - law and nephews are from Kansas . Vendor : Oh , the boys aren 't all yours ? MIL : No . These two [ drawing them to her ] are my grandsons . [ heartbeat . . . heartbeat . . . heartbeat ] Oh ! I guess they all are . Yeah . I guess they all are . I really hate that woman . But on the way home , HardPlace said that he was glad to spend time with his cousins , so I was glad I 'd made the effort to get them together . The last road trip we made before heading back to Maryland was to Santa Fe and nearby places . One of my favorite places in the world is Bandeleir National Monument . The boys were suitably impressed by the canyon , the cliff dwellings , the ladders . We had a great time with perfect weather . We also went up to Taos Pueblo . When I visited there as a child , it was dirty and depressing , but still important to see - - the oldest continuously inhabited community in the United States . Now , they provide knowledgeable tour guides , who speak from the heart about the people and the place . The town of Taos , on the other hand is unutterably tacky and awful - - but that didn 't bother the boys . That 's enough for now . . . I 'll continue the travelogue next time . Have mercy on us , O God , in your great mercy , hearken and have mercy . We lit candles for you today . As we have so often these last three years . Three years . Again and again let us pray for the repose of the soul of the departed servant of God the Deacon Nicholas , that to him may be remitted every transgression , both deliberate and indeliberate , and that the Lord God may establish his soul where the just repose . First I lit one of the big vigil candles . I stood in front of the icon of St . Nicholas , and I offered you my love and my thanksgiving as I have from our beginning . Then Rock and HardPlace charged in and grabbed the sweet beeswax candles . We placed them in the sand at the feet of the icon of the crucifixion ; three candles asking God to watch over you and hold you in tender mercy . The mercy of God , the Kingdom of heaven , the remission of his sins we ask of you , O Christ , our immortal King and God . I missed being in church this summer ; I missed singing the praises of God ; I missed seeing you in the Holy Place . " Seeing " you . " Hearing " you . Feeling you surround the boys and me as surely as if your body were still with us . Oh how I have missed you . For You are the Resurrection and the Life and the Repose of your departed servant the Deacon Nicholas , O Christ our God , and we render glory to You and to your Eternal Father , and to your all - holy , good , and life - giving Spirit , now and ever and unto the ages of ages . Amen . Three years . Miss Lisa made the blessed wheat for you again , as she always has and always will . I know how much you loved her and she , you . She places the candles in the wheat with such tenderness . Candles for the indwelling light , three candles for the Father , Son , and Holy Spirit . O God of all spirits and of all flesh , who have destroyed death , overcome the devil , and given life to the world : Grant O Lord , to the soul of your servant the Deacon Nicholas , who has left this life , to rest in a place of light , in a place of happiness , in a place of peace , where there is no pain , no grief , no sighing . HardPlaMore of the same 1 bird and 2 views , I 'm spoiling you now . The bird is of course a Herring Gull , which you may recall seeing a little while ago . The views are of Robin Hood 's Bay and May Beck . Good morning , HardPlace . Morning , Mom . Sweetheart , I have something terrible to tell you . [ long pause ] Daddy died last night . Oh yeah ! ? Well , if he 's really dead , when is the funeral ? Huh ? Wednesday or Thursday , probably Thursday . Oh . [ long pause ] Well , who 's going to be my next daddy ? Nobody , baby . Why not ? Because daddies are very special people , and nobody will ever love you as much as your Daddy loved you and still loves you . The days between Nick 's death and funeral were surreal , at best . How could I be choosing a burial plot for my husband ? And buying a double plot so that I could one day lie down with him again ? Is Subdeacon David really shopping for a better casket price online ? Why am I filing claims for Social Security ? and Life Insurance ? The Wednesday afternoon viewing was pretty low - key , and I was actually able to talk with people who came to the funeral home . When I arrived at the funeral home , Fr . Joseph was waiting to walk to the casket with me . I was scared and sick to my stomach , until I looked down : Oh ! Okay - - I can do this . He 's not there . He really isn 't there . I can do this . Okay . That 's right , said Fr . Joseph , holding me while I regrouped . In one of life 's brutal ironies , my brother - in - law Pierre drove me to the evening viewing . My family had gone to the afternoon viewing , and there was no reason for them to be there in the evening as well . As we drove the short distance , I said to Pierre , You know , you really shouldn 't be driving me tonight . Why not ? You drove me to meet Nick at the church on our wedding day . You shouldn 't be taking me to see him now . I know . . . I know . I don 't remember much of the evening , but one moment stands out : At the end of the Trisaghion prayers , Memory Eternal is sung three times in a key to break your heart . At the first strain , I turned to Cathy Baroody , wailed , and buried my head in her hair . I have been told that the funeral was packed , but I never turned around to look . I know that the hall was crowded for the mercy meal after the service , and around 50 people came from NBeen a while The bird is a young Dipper and the main reason why I got the new camera ( to take pictures of birds ) . The sheep are for those of you who don 't like birds . For those of you who don 't like sheep or birds , come back tomorrow . The night kept in vigil with Nick was probably one of the most prayerful and painful of my life . Bob and Jeanne and I took turns sleeping on the floor of the waiting room and sitting with Nick . I sang to him the favorite hymns of our church and the lullabies loved by the boys . I chanted psalms and I sang the Wachet Auf to him - - " Our Cantata , " which we sang to each other during our courtship and which was the opening and closing music at our wedding . I prayed that God would be merciful to him , begged tender compassion for him . I wept tears of love and goodbye . And always , I sang to him . And as I sang , I could watch the pressure in his brain subside . If I had to stop singing to drink or rest , the number on the machine would slowly , inexorably creep up toward the " danger zone . " But when I sang to him , it went down to " normal . " Somewhere , even though his brain had been destroyed by the monster within , he was there , hearing me call to him , feeling my love reaching through the darkness to him . How I hated that monster ! I have said elsewhere that I knew this was not " God 's will " for Nick , that this is not what Nick was created for . I lay my hands on Nick , and I cried out to all the heavenly powers to help me . And I summoned all the courage and strength and faith I had , and I commanded that demon in Nick 's brain to return straight the bowels of hell from whence it came . I tried , I really tried . And failed . And wept . Deacon David came back from his wife 's family reunion late Saturday night and came to the hospital right away , and again before going to church in the morning . When he came in the morning , as he walked in , I told him he had to help me sing , and I turned to the evlogetaria from orthros . It 's one of our favorite parts of the liturgy , and I had been trying to sing it all night , and I simply couldn 't find the right notes . Sometime in the midmorning , the neurology team came to evaluate Nick before the organ donation . Unbelievably , they couldn 't do the donation , because his heart was too strong . Yes , too strong . As I uSaturday , August 7 , 2004 Mother had arrived Friday night , and I was so glad to see her . This may sound selfish , but I wanted someone who was there for ME . Paola was acting as " my family " until she got there , but everyone else at the hospital was Nick 's family . I needed Mother be there for ME . Saturday morning , she and I spent a little time with the boys at the Black 's house before going to the hospital . It was so important for them to have me around , and for me to be around them . They were pretty shaken and disoriented by everything that was going on , especially Rock . I think they went to the zoo again , but I really don 't remember . When I arrived at the ICU , Nick 's mother told me the doctor was waiting for me . There are some decisions to be made . There are NO decisions to be made ! I will NOT allow that man to suffer . Alicia , there are decisions to be made . Nick still had no brain activity ; they had to keep a steady stream of drugs to keep the brain pressure down , but it was clear that he was not going to regain consciousness . The doctor presented us with the option of donating Nick 's organs . Nick 's parents were strongly against it , but I was in favor of it , because I knew it was something he believed in . Nick 's siblings also supported the idea , as a way for some good to come from his death . Matthew really stepped forward and spoke with dignity and clarity , allowing me to make the decisions without fear of sibling reprisal . To help settle the matter , I called Beata and asked her to go to our house and look at his drivers license - did it say he wanted to be an organ donor ? Why do you want to know that ? Beata , I just need to know . Why ? Alicia , there has to be some mistake . The implication was too much for her . When I told his folks that his license said yes , they were accepting but upset . They kept pressing Fr . Joseph and Fr . Charles for the church 's teaching on it - When does life end ? Is there some teaching against it ? They felt that since the body isn 't quite dead , organ donation is depriving God of a chance to work a last - mFriday , August 6 , 2004 The email Paola sent to my friends Friday morning : Here 's the latest . Yesterday afternoon the pressure in Nick 's brain came down to normal levels ( the best scenario the doctor had outlined ) , so starting at midday today they will stop the " coma - inducing " level of drugs . They will then be able to do tests of neurological function , etc . Pray that Nick regains consciousness without any neurological damage . Alicia was able to get a night 's sleep in a bed and spend some time with the boys this morning . Her mother flies in late tonight and her sister tomorrow afternoon . Nick 's parents spent the night on the hard chairs outside the ICU . His mother noticed this morning that today is the Feast of the Holy Transfiguration , in which Christ reveals his deity to his followers and for which their parish is named . paola I spent some time with the boys in the morning ; they were so glad to see me . Then they went to the zoo with Mr . Black and Oliver ( or was it David ? ) . It was such a relief for me to have them close at hand , to know that they were being taken care of by our friends . The news from the doctors was grim . The pressure in Nick 's brain had come down and stabilized , so they took him off the coma - inducing drugs . But he didn 't regain consciousness , and there was no brain activity . All we could do was wait and see what would happen . Visitors started streaming in on Friday . Fr . Joseph and Fr . Charles had been there every day , as had Deacon David Baroody . Reader Romanos came , with Subdeacon Joseph and Seminarian Mark Miller ; Lisa Dean and Gregory Dale both came as well , and were shocked and teary when I told them there was very little hope . Nick 's local family also started coming to see him : a steady stream of aunts and cousins . Nick 's sister Suzy came in from Dallas on Thursday night ; Matthew brought her directly from the airport to the hospital . There was nothing anybody could do but wait and watch and pray . Fr . Charles said one of the most important things anyone said to me that week : This is not what God created him for , Abouna . NThursday , August 5 , 2004 Nick was alive ; I couldn 't believe he had made it through the night , but he was alive . The day was really a blur . Shock , horror , fear , lack of sleep . What will I tell the boys ? Paola , my best friend from college , came to the hospital midmorning . She had emailed me earlier in the week to let me know she was in town on business . As it turned out , she wrapped things up earlier than expected and was able to be with me at the hospital all day Thursday and Friday : I was so glad for her presence . I don 't remember too much of the next few days . Countless hours with Nick , singing to him and stroking his arm and face , kissing him tenderly and telling him how much I love him , how much the boys and I still need him . The doctors worked to bring the brain pressure down ; they gave him lots of different drugs and put him in a cooling blanket to lower his body temperature . They wanted to slow the brain functioning enough to keep the tumor from being active . Was it working ? What would I tell the boys ? - Sometime in the midafternoon , I went to Christy 's to take a shower and crash for a while . As soon as I lay down , a bulldozer started digging a swimming pool next door , right outside her bedroom window . It was pretty ridiculous , but I must have slept a little . I made sure that people woke me up so I would be in time to pick the boys up from daycare . Paola drove our car , because I really wasn 't capable at that point . We stopped by the house first , so I could gather things for the boys . I needed to move them into the District , so that they wouldn 't be so far away from me . I couldn 't take having my heart torn in two : I needed to be with my husband , but my children needed me to be with them . Thank God for Paola ! She helped me focus on things the boys needed ; I wandered from room to room , not really sure what to do . Does Rock need diapers ? Does HardPlace have a favorite toy ? Do you want a change of clothes ? Clean underwear ? I didn 't know how long we would be staying with the Blacks in DC , and I didn 't want food to spoil in the refrigJulie came by the house about 8 : 30 ; she took the boys in her car and followed me to the hospital . I told HardPlace that Daddy wanted to see him before his surgery . The doctors found something inside Daddy 's head that doesn 't belong there , but they aren 't quite sure what it is . They 're going to drill a tiny hole in his skull and stick a needle into his brain to bring a little piece of it out . Rock was scared of the hospital room and didn 't want to get too close to Dad ; HardPlace was intimidated by everything , but asked a few questions about the equipment . After a few minutes , Julie took Rock to the courtyard , and HardPlace climbed onto the bed so Dad could read The Hobbit to him ; doing that was so important to Nick ! After a while though , Nick 's head started hurting him again , so it was time for the boys to leave . Rock did allow Nick to kiss him and hug him , and I think HardPlace both got and gave a good hug . Julie then took the boys to child care for the day . I will be forever grateful to Julie for helping me get the boys to Nick . I don 't think I 'd have ever forgiven myself if he had not had that time with them . I had arranged for Przemek to pick the boys up , because I knew that I wouldn 't be home in time . So I made sure they knew that he would pick them up and that they would go out to dinner with Przemek and Beata , but that I would be home as soon as I could . Subdeacon David and Linda came by around 10 : 00 a . m . Nick was so glad to see them . ( He had particularly asked Linda to come by . David is nice and all , but a visit from Linda would be so lovely . ) Then Matthew and Cornelia arrived with Bob and Jeanne ( Nick 's parents ) . Nick was in the bathroom when they arrived , so he was actually standing and able to greet everyone with hugs . I watched him hug everyone and then said that I wanted one , too - - we hadn 't hugged since before he went to church on Sunday morning . That was the last hug I ever had from him , and it was a good one . I could hardly bear to let go . The Blacks left after a short while , allowinTuesday , August 3 , 2004 The doctors found something in Daddy 's brain , and that 's what 's giving him the headaches . What is it ? They aren 't exactly sure . Tomorrow , they 're going to do a kind of surgery called a biopsy , to take a little bit of it out so they can see what it is . How did it get there ? Nobody knows . I think it crawled in his ear . Maybe , sweetie , maybe . I took the boys to daycare in the morning ( Rock was in the toddler class 2 days a week ; HardPlace was in summer camp those same 2 days ) ; I told Miss Cheryl what the diagnosis was , and I mouthed it to Miss Susan , who just started crying . Then I went down to the hospital . Nick said he wanted the boys to visit him before his biopsy . I wasn 't sure that was a good idea , because I was afraid it would be too traumatic . Hospitals are scary places , and Nick had a roommate who was moaning and writhing in pain . There will be plenty of time for trauma , I said . But Nick was insistent ; he wanted to read HardPlace some more of The Hobbit . His cousin Christy told me that I really needed to do this for Nick , that when she had her cancer surgery , she would have strangled anybody who kept her boys from seeing her beforehand . So I started making arrangements with Julie ( one of Nick 's colleagues ) to bring the boys downtown on Wednesday morning . Nick had more tests on Tuesday : lots of blood work , a bone scan to see if the cancer was anywhere else , another MRI . The cancer was nowhere else in his body : That 's a good thing , right ? The doctor hemmed and hawed a bit : Well , it depends . . . I didn 't know then what I know now about primary brain tumors versus secondary tumors , etc . , etc . The anesthesiologist came by to talk with Nick about the biopsy ; we were particularly concerned about the hypokalemic periodic paralysis . Christy had had a bad experience with the anesthesia because of it , so we were really cautious and worried . It was a relatively low - key day , and I left in time to pick up the boys from child care . Matthew and Cornelia ( Nick 's brother and his wife ) went to the hospital that evening , and Christy brouMonday , August 2 , 2004 The email I sent to our friends Monday morning : Dear friends , If ever I needed the prayers of the faithful , it is now ( and I have faithful of many different persuasions on this list ) . Nick is in the hospital . He 'd been having dizzy spells and headaches ; he blacked out momentarily at church last Sunday and again yesterday morning . So I took him to the ER . The CT scan shows a brain tumor . They haven 't done all the tests needed to say what kind , how big , what treatment , what prognosis ( he 'll be in the hospital several more days while they gather all that information ) . But it 's big and it 's right in the middle of his brain . There 's nothing else to tell you right now . Just keep us all in your prayers . Alicia After checking with the nurses to see how Nick 's night had gone , I took the boys to Fr . Ephrem and Khouriya Judy 's home . Tono and HardPlace play together very well , and I knew that Judy would be able to handle Rock , especially with Cyril 's help . With all the shuttling around and the awful traffic into the city , it was 11 : 00 a . m . before I got to the hospital . I 'd missed visits from Fr . Joseph and Fr . Charles and from the neurosurgeon , Dr . Levine . The initial blood tests showed that the cancer was malignant . Dr . Levine had told Nick that IF they did a biopsy it would be on Friday . When they took Nick down for more tests ( MRI , etc . ) , I called Cousin Christy . Matthew had reminded us that she had experience with cancer and contacts in high - up places . Nick had actually left her a message earlier in the morning , so she was already on alert when I called . She came straight to the hospital and spent as much time there over the next several days as she could . She had terrific energy and was so encouraging , and she brought good food . It was impossible not to feel hopeful after talking with her and being around her . She had a game plan of whom to call , questions to ask , where to go for second opinions , where to go for treatment , everything all lined up as neatly as could be . I hung around the hospital as long as I could beforeSunday , August 1 , 2004 Nick got a ride to church with Fr . Ephrem , because the blue car had been totaled , and Nick needed to be there early for sacristan duties . I was getting the boys ready for church , when Deacon David ( Baroody ) called . He said that Nick had " had another episode " and that I needed to come to church to take him home . I immediately called Beata and Przemek , making arrangements to take HardPlace and Rock to their house . I wanted to take Nick directly to the hospital , and I knew it would be easier for me to do that if the boys weren 't with me . HardPlace , you and Rock are going to Auntie Beata and Uncle Przemek 's house , so I can take Daddy to the hospital . Why ? You know those headaches Daddy has been having ? Yeah . I want the doctors to find out what is causing them . Okay . On the way down to church , I called Linda Black , begging her prayers . She was in New York City for the weekend , but I needed to tell her what was happening . When I got to church , Deacon David and Fr . Joseph both urged me to take Nick to the hospital . I told them that was my plan ; Fr . Joseph helped me get Nick to the car , and as he turned to go back to the church , I asked him for a blessing . Nick , of course , tried to talk me out of going to the hospital : " Let me just go home and sleep it off . " But I was determined . We tried to contact our new doctor to find out if he had a hospital preference , but we couldn 't reach him . I went straight to Shady Grove Hospital , 5 minutes from our home . After several hours in the ER , with Nick in a lot of pain most of the time , the doctor came back into the ER unit . Is that the only chair ? looking at my stuff on the single chair by Nick 's bed . Oh ! Let me get you another one , looking around for one to magically appear . No , it 's for you . You should sit down . Oh , okay . Your husband has a brain tumor . I don 't know what kind it is , but it 's big and it 's right in the middle of his brain . [ long pause ] I 'm sorry . He showed me the film and pointed to a dark area right in the middle . It actually looks like there might be two separate mNewer Posts |
Sy 5 , 1019 - Sy 7 , 1019 This entry is part 2 of 2 in the series Death BloomsI 've carved the hellish pieces out of wicked men until they begged for death . Certainly , I was meant for this . Had I the ability , I 'd catch all of them . I 'd go back and get the ones before me and I 'd flay the evil from their bodies . I feel just and right in dismantling their bodies and minds . But I do not do it for some bastard god . Saren would be in my chair next if I could put him there . No , I do this for myself , because evil needs to be punished , and there is no one who understands that better than I do . Kalen sat in a foyer before the duke 's chamber . Sweat fell down his temples and back , whether from nerves or the blistering heat of summer , he could not tell . He knew he was anxious , but how much of what had happened did he feel at fault for ? How much would Lord Dargon blame him for ? Last night , Jayko Faas , a torturer , murderer , and cannibal , had escaped from the Old Guard House . Aerimon , Kalen 's friend and mentor in the art of self - defense , had gone after the bastard , only to come back empty - handed , claiming to have not found any clue of his whereabouts , although he had been gone for a while . Had he really been searching that whole time ? Or had he found something and just didn 't want to tell Kalen ? Kalen disliked the mistrust that bubbled up inside him when he thought of Aerimon . Part of it stemmed from Aerimon 's alibi when it came to the gang that had tried to extort him for payment . However , much of it was a result of Jayko 's doing . That man had put Kalen on edge , and he 'd likely forced many others to teetering on a thin rope , compromising their trust in others . The duke had been informed about what Jayko had done and how he had escaped . Kalen could only speculate the level of the duke 's displeasure . This very morning Kalen had received a summons from the duke that called on his presence immediately . Such a thing did not bode well . " Straight , " Kalen mumbled as he rose and walked to the boy , the satchel slung around his shoulder slapping his side . He was ushered from the small foyer and into the Clifton 's chambers . Potted plants stood here and there , in corners and along walls . High shutters were open , allowing sunlight to stream in and reflect off the polished , marble floor . Crimson curtains of thick silk sheltered those within from the scorching heat . Duke Clifton sat behind a desk , his personal guard standing against the wall at attention to either side of him . Impulsively , Kalen looked over to the duke 's left arm , or the lack thereof . His sleeve , pinned at the elbow , hid the stump . Otherwise , Clifton Dargon II was a healthy , honest - looking man . The hard line of his mouth showed that he found no pleasure in what Kalen was here to speak with him about . " No , all is not well . " That simple statement made Kalen want to wince . He wasn 't sure what to say . He merely waited in silence for the duke to continue . Clifton rubbed his eyes with his one hand then said , " Kalen , I 've heard a lot about this Jayko person . Let 's not dance around this . He was caught murdering someone . And now he has escaped from * your * guard station . " The import that Clifton put on the word " your " was not lost on Kalen . He felt the sting of accusation and knew that the blame was well placed with him . There was something terrible , something that Kalen had never seen before . Kalen decided on more careful words as he said , " Yes , milord . I went out to a house last night , sent there by Jayko on a promise that I 'd find more people like him : cannibals and torturers . I didn 't find that though . Well , we found one man . And we found this . " Slowly , Kalen removed the satchel from his shoulder and set it on the table . He carefully unfolded it , doing his best not to touch the evil within . Once the satchel was sprawled open , both Kalen and Lord Dargon were staring down upon a dagger , the blade slightly curved with a hitch near the hilt . What struck Kalen more than the layout of the blade , was the stark color of it . Although he had seen it several times , the jet black steel was still dazzling . " I 've spoken with the Esoterics . I know , I didn 't let them have it for long or do much with it . They told me that it was made by evil magic . Do you see this ? " Kalen pointed to the hilt where two words had been inscribed . " This seems to be the name of the blade . Cerebral Syndicate . The Esoterics have never heard of it . This dagger kills , but its victims don 't stay dead . Clifton Dargon finally tore his gaze away from the blade and looked up into Kalen 's eyes . " What do you mean , Kalen ? " There was fear in the duke 's voice . " Did you see it used ? " Kalen had to steady himself , lest he let any of his emotions show through , before he spoke . " Yes . Garay . We got to the house . It must have been used for their terrible rituals as well . Someone came out and slammed this into Garay 's skull . My men killed him in a moment . But then … Garay got back up and starting sawing through the side of another guard . We finally stopped him by pulling the blade from his skull . He just became this torturous … thing . " Words couldn 't explain exactly what had become of Garay 's corpse . " Gods , " Lord Dargon whispered , certainly feeling the sting of a good man 's death . " An artifact of such evil and power here in Dargon . Garay was a good man . He 'd served you well over the years , hadn 't he ? " That felt like a little too much , even given the idea that this mess could be blamed on Kalen . Of course Garay had served the Town Guard well . Why was Lord Dargon making this such a personal matter ? Kalen merely nodded in agreement , his eyes threatening to betray his emotion . " And there 's more . Jayko wanted to get Aerimon Clyde involved . When Jayko sent me to that house , he told me to bring Aerimon . It seems like he 's important to Jayko for some reason . " " Aerimon hates the vile - hearted . To my knowledge , that 's all that would tie him to this ; he would be Jayko 's ultimate enemy . In fact , I would think that Jayko would want Aerimon left out of this . You recall when his house was burned to the ground ? I watched as he lost himself to fury and killed several of them . The way he did Garrity … " Kalen trailed off as he imagined Aerimon smashing the life from Garrity with his heel . Duke Clifton nodded his head and then said , " Straight . I 've trained with him before . He is quite good . Deadly efficient . I hear he 's done good things for the Guard . But you will need to watch him . Coincidences are not always just that , Kalen . " Kalen nodded , thinking for the hundredth time that it must have been Aerimon who had killed those thugs those few months ago . Aerimon had a good alibi at the time though . He seemed truthful when he denied having anything to do with that night . Still , doubt sucked at his soul . " People understand that the God of Suffering plays a role in their lives . We don 't worship Saren in the sense that we pray for his wrath upon others . We simply ask that he allow us the strength to endure suffering , and to know that it is a normal part of life that all people go through . Jayko , however , thinks he 's pleasing Saren by torturing others . He believes that the pain and torment he causes makes him special to Saren . And he claimed that he has a ' family ' that are of like mind . " " If what he 's saying is truth , then yes . I know that he must have at least some followers . If there 's a cult , he 's certainly the leader of it . " Duke Dargon suddenly looked away from Kalen . He was contemplating something , but his anger was readily apparent . Without looking back , he said , " So now there 's a band of these whoresons hiding in the shadows of Dargon , kidnapping good people , torturing them , raping them , * eating them * ! " Kalen 's throat suddenly closed . He felt as though he was to blame for this . Why hadn 't the Guard caught onto this sooner ? Why hadn 't their precautions been enough to keep Jayko locked away ? Clifton sighed then said , " You know , Kalen , sometimes I 'd like to pull the few horrid people infesting Dargon out and drop them in a hole . It would make our town so much better . We wouldn 't have those bad parts of New Town . No more Liriss , no more damn Jayko or anyone else . " Kalen nodded and said , " I know , milord . " But he didn 't know . He hadn 't gone that far in his thinking . He hadn 't been driven that far yet . When Kalen dealt with these kinds of things , he set his entire focus on fixing them . When Lord Dargon was made aware of them , he expected those entrusted with the city 's safety to handle it . He wasn 't at the front lines , taking care of things . It was probably worse for him , sitting behind a desk and hearing about it all , just waiting to learn that it had been dealt with . Duke Dargon looked back to Kalen , fire in his eyes . " You do better , Kalen . You find Jayko , and anyone involved in his thrice damned cult , anyone who is torturing my people , and you farking kill them . When Jayko got out , you failed me , and you failed this city . Above all else , Kalen , do not fail me again . Is that clear ? " Nodding was all Kalen could manage for a moment . His whole body had gone cold , shocked by his lord 's vehemence and ashamed by his shortcomings thus far . Jayko would not be the one to take him down . Jayko would die , and Kalen would be damned before his city fell prey to that lunatic . The walk home and the ferry ride across the Coldwell left Kalen dripping with sweat , the heat of the day pasting his shirt to his skin . His journey also gave Kalen too much time to think . He began to doubt his work , to lose faith in the effectiveness of the Guard , to agonize over the idea of losing his position because Lord Dargon saw him as being incompetent . He was able to stem his self - pity though , devoting his effort instead to scanning every inch of the streets he passed . If something presented itself , he 'd find it . His eyes would be open wide until Jayko was a dead man . " Kalen , is that you ? " It was Ilona , her voice coming from their room . His eyebrows rose , conveying his confusion ; she was supposed to be on duty today . " What are you doing home , hun ? " Kalen asked as he lazily walked to their room . He came in to find her sitting on their bed , an open book to the side of her . Her sweet eyes seemed so happy , and Kalen just had to kiss her . He crossed the room and planted a soft one on her , taking those thoughts plaguing him and stowing them for the time being . She moved her book and patted the bed , beckoning him to lie down . " You 're going to be responsible for putting me to sleep . I have to go back to work in a mene , " Kalen protested . Despite his weak defiance , he still lay down with his wife , placing his head on her shoulder . Ilona smiled ear to ear and Kalen was certain that there was some other reason entirely for her staying home . " Kalen , I feel fantastic . I saw a midwife today . I 'm pregnant . " A sudden surge of vitality popped Kalen up onto his knees . " You are ? " he hollered . He leaned down and hugged her with measured force , blanketing her in his love . She giggled with joy . Kalen was drunk with joy , but Ilona 's words suddenly sobered him ever so slightly , removing from him the smallest iota of his elation . They 'd be bringing a baby into their world , a place where innocent people were snatched away by murderers and cannibals . Not unless Kalen could do something about it . The urge to destroy this cult and every ounce of evil in Dargon suddenly overflowed from Kalen . Anger threatened to drown his happiness as he thought of how Jayko had already tarnished this most precious moment . If not for that bastard , he 'd be gleaming with happiness and nothing else . Three days had passed since Jayko had watched Aerimon dismantle Aban . Aerimon had done well , utilizing tools and techniques he 'd never attempted before as he flayed skin and muscle and drove spikes through bone until Aban begged for his own death . Saren had been quite pleased , he knew . For the second time today , Jayko had caught his reflection in a pool of water . He could scarcely make out color but certainly noticed his bright , blonde hair , recently dyed to help keep him from the clutches of the Town Guard . He spat at the water in disgust , but knew the disguise was a necessity . A guard stood on a corner that Jayko would soon pass by , eyeing the populace suspiciously . It was amusing to him that he had caused such an uproar in Dargon . Not only had he forced the Town Guard to work ceaselessly , but soldiers had been sent by the duke as well . They meant to lockdown Dargon tightly until he and his family were found . Dargon wanted to end their worship of Saren , but they wouldn 't allow such a thing . There was still more to be done . The guard suddenly locked eyes with Jayko , his face becoming a mess of hard lines . Had the guard figured out who he was despite his new appearance ? A cold pang of excitement ran through him and he considered running . He 'd probably be able to outrun the guard , but then his new hair color would become fact . He 'd also be unable to continue with his job this day . He took a knee and messed with the laces of his boots as if he needed to tie them . Jayko was very aware of the dagger pressed against his ankle from inside his boot , so very close to his hand and such a sharp weapon . It was meant for death , not torture . Its blade had been enchanted in a way far different than Cerebral Syndicate had been . Cerebral Syndicate had been used against Kalen 's men then taken by the Captain . It had killed one of his men then restructured his mind , flooding it with life and setting it upon a path of torture . Jayko berated himself for the loss of the blade for a brief moment , only to reaffirm his intent for doing so . By allowing the blade to leave his hand and enter into the grasp of those who were good , righteous men , he 'd planted a seed within them . The power of Cerebral Syndicate was great , and its ability would draw people to it , even if only to sell it for a handsome profit . It would cause strife and upheaval amongst the ranks of the guard , and someone would use it for its wicked purpose , of that he was sure . Besides , Jayko didn 't plan to inhabit this world for much longer . His legacy would continue after him though , and Saren would be grateful for it . Now , Jayko had a dagger he called Blood Keen . As the dagger cut into flesh , it feasted on the blood within , sharpening it to a razor edge . Since the dagger 's creation , it had never once grown dull . The opportunity was present , as was his ability , but the rationale was not . Killing only made sense when someone wanted death to release them from the agony of the world . And Jayko would get that satisfaction this very day , if he was patient . Jayko finished retying his laces then stood to find that the guard was no longer eyeing him and hustled on his way . The tavern he was headed to wasn 't too far away . He found the Shattered Spear in a few menes , its business thriving in the daytime . Several guards and soldiers walked along the street outside the tavern , observing the people . Jayko bypassed them with a disarming smile and entered the Shattered Spear . The raucous noises of inebriated people even during the middle of the day shook the floorboards and caused Jayko to want to stab someone in the neck . He knew that the sound would double if not triple once night fell . Impatience began causing him to shake as he scanned the room . Shortly , he found the man he sought , and calmness flooded him , ensuring him that he would have his reward soon enough if he only waited and played his part well . A burly looking fellow with a sleeveless shirt and a bald head sat at a small table , his wide arms resting on the tabletop . Jayko hailed the man then walked over to him . " Good day , Leesan , " Jayko said as they shook hands . While they walked the streets of Dargon to the docks , Leesan said , " All these guards for one team of madmen . You put them in a room with my mates and we 'd smash ' em all up . They 're all good with a blade ; I taught them myself . And I beat to a pulp those that don 't got enough discipline . Hard men ride the waves aboard the Island . It might be the only piece of solid ground they need , but it ain 't all fun the whole time . I run an efficient ship above all else . " Jayko let Leesan prattle on , let him speak the very reasons why he was going to die this day . They made it to the docks after a few menes of mostly Leesan talking . Aboard , only two men could be seen , lounging on the deck of the Island in the shade of the main mast . Leesan led Jayko below deck , the latter 's heart beginning to pound harder with anticipation . Jayko ducked a low opening and was in the belly of the ship , a good - sized , barren area before him . At its back , was a door chained shut by a lock . A pile of hammocks lay in the corner . " You 'd just be using a hammock like the others . Not the fanciest sleeping but it works on the sea . What has you going to Quinnat ? " Slowly , Leesan turned around and peered at Jayko . He was certainly surprised but more angry than anything . Jayko felt his anger , felt the pain that he knew would soon suffuse the air . " What did you say ? You must be out of your damn mind , you whoreson . I 'm going to make sure this hurts . And just in time . " Jayko cast a glance over his shoulder to see the two men who were up top descending the steps . He knew them already , of course . Treras and Clenstine were their names . Jayko turned his back on them , sure that they were his men , and not Leesan 's . Treras and Clenstine stopped next to Jayko , and the former said , " Like you taught us , Leesan ? You never should have beat us the way you did . You don 't know how vengeful that can make a man . " Leesan suddenly turned white and he was unable to hide the despair that claimed his face . " Treras , what is this ? Clenstine , you can 't turn on me too . " Jayko decided to divulge his identity . He said , " Leesan , they found a new family . One that understands their wants . You see , I am Jayko , and I found them at the right time . " Jayko enjoyed that look . " You don 't have anything to say that will get you out of this , Leesan . " He began moving towards the big man , gliding across the wooden floor slowly . Leesan backed away looking from Jayko then to his men . He pulled a blade from his belt then lunged forward , stabbing at Jayko 's stomach . Jayko leapt backwards , crouched down , and pulled Blood Keen from the sheath within his boot . He lunged forward and slashed upwards , slicing into Leesan 's wrist . Leesan hissed and Jayko backed away , saying , " Perfect . " Blood gushed from the wound on Leesan 's wrist , splashing onto the floor . Jayko then pulled from the well of magic within himself and called to the crimson life flowing from Leesan . More blood leapt from his severed veins and came crawling across the floorboards towards Jayko . Leesan was immediately wobbling on his feet as if the Island were crashing over choppy waves . Soon after , he collapsed , already pale , but still mildly coherent . Jayko bent down and sheathed his blade , ending his spell while doing so to keep him from a quick death . " I 'm going to watch while both of you get your revenge on Leesan . Then , you are a hand of Saren . Do your best work , gentlemen . You deserve this . " Jayko grabbed his case , opened it , then set it on the floor . He pressed the hidden buttons that popped the inside of the case free then slid the boards out , revealing a plethora of torture devices . Treras and Clenstine shot each other a determined look then moved to the case to select their tools . Footsteps sounded behind Jayko and he turned to see two sailors hustling down the steps . They were new faces to him , and likely loyal to Leesan . Both of them had knives in their hands and certainly had a mind to use them . Both sailors came to rest their eyes on the carnage within and they pulled back their arms in the same instant . They tossed their knives at the same time that Jayko took hold of the blood . It leapt from the floor then flowed through the air and intercepted the knives , knocking one completely off line . The other continued through the veil of blood , obviously slowed and slightly off course now . Jayko hesitated in his casting as the knife spearing through the blood sliced into his torso , sliding along the ribs on his right side then clattering to the floor behind him . He accepted the pain , allowed it to be a part of him without controlling him , and he continued his spell . He pulled more blood from the floor , from himself even , and guided it towards the sailors . Blood whipped through the air , bearing down on one of them . The sailor staggered backward as blood rushed into his mouth , nose , and eyes . Leesan 's blood choked the sailor , sitting in his throat and blocking the air from finding its way into his lungs . The other sailor was stunned for a moment before he began to reach for a longer , thicker knife tucked into a belt circling his waist . The other sailor hesitated a moment when his fellow crashed to the floor . Jayko threw Blood Keen at him as he pulled his blade from his belt . He looked up just in time to see the dagger cutting through the air for him . The dagger bit deep into the other sailor 's chest , slicing neatly through flesh and bone . Jayko redirected the focus of his spell and the sailor fell to a knee , losing strength terribly fast , then ended up on his side . Blood flowed from him , sucked away from his extremities at great speed . It slid through the air then pooled around Jayko 's hand , an orb of crimson liquid surging in spirals , defying physics . Jayko released his spell and the twisting sphere lost its shape and splashed to the floor . He stumbled to Blood Keen and then pulled the dagger from the dead man , wincing as each step caused a surge of pain in his side . A dozen stitches and he 'd be alright . It was nothing more than pain and Jayko had come to accept it as part of life . He relished in the fact that Saren would be glad he was hurt . " Is Leesan still alive ? " he croaked , his voice ragged , surprising even him . Perhaps his use of magic had drained him more than he anticipated . The spell he used would leave him tired for quite some time , but the toll it would take on his body would be worse . Each time Jayko used his magic , pollution infected his body . He knew that he wouldn 't live a long life and he had accepted that . These things came with a price , but when he died , Saren would welcome him into the afterlife for the things he had done and the ways he had done them . He wondered what kind of pain the pollution would inflict on him this time : black ichor that he would vomit , swaths of skin decaying to leave open sores in their wake , the loss of all his fingernails and teeth . Aerimon and Helena walked home together , hand in hand . Instructing had been especially difficult today as he had tried teaching how to effectively fight a mage . Given Jayko 's ability , Aerimon thought it a good idea . Although Aerimon tried his best to train the men and women of the guard and the military properly , he wasn 't sure if his tactics were sound . He had even consulted with Arvyn and Tanbry , the Town Guard wizards , on how to effectively combat magic with blades . They had told him that magic would have the advantage from a distance but using too much or something too powerful would tax the user so much they 'd most certainly end up out of the fight . The two shared a smile then walked in silence for a moment , simply enjoying each other 's company . Aerimon looked around the streets , his eyes passing by the guards and soldiers keeping Dargon under close watch . They all sought Jayko 's head , but Aerimon knew that they wouldn 't do enough to him if they did find him . They wouldn 't hurt him in the way he deserved . As if she had read his thoughts , Helena said , " Jayko put this town in quite a stir . I 'm glad you found that man who helped him . Aban , right ? " Aerimon nodded his head , recalling the man who had pleaded for death . Aban 's terror - stricken eyes , blood - shot from screaming and rattling around in his head , came to life in Aerimon 's mind . " He got exactly what he deserved . " " You just might . You hear things in the Town Guard , Aerimon . You know Kalen well enough for him to tell you things . Jayko needs to suffer for what he 's done . " The bonecrusher would certainly do terrible things to Jayko . Aerimon , though , had done well with Aban . He could do better . He could hurt Jayko much more and much longer than the bonecrusher could . He continued , " Repackage it if any of the blood starts to leak through . I wrapped it well though , and not even a smell should come through . Just keep an eye on it . " " You have nothing to worry about , Jayko . This will be done right . " Tamora squared her shoulders , drawing herself up to her full height , as she spoke . It was time to force Kalen to retire for a while . Killing him would be difficult , and would piss off the Town Guard and Lord Dargon to such a degree that they 'd rip this city apart . It wasn 't time for that yet . Kalen needed to be removed from the situation , and accomplishing such a thing required tact and patience . Information about Kalen and Ilona had been gathered by Jayko 's family and now he was going to put that knowledge to good use . He looked to the mask hanging there upon the wall , Saren 's Guise . It was fabled to provide communion between the god and the wearer . While it never had done so directly , however , Jayko believed that those moments of solitude in the mask , devoting himself to absolutely nothing other than discovering the will of Saren , had given him the clarity to discern his meaning . Aerimon was perfectly cooperative . Had circumstances been different , he believed that he could have coerced the man into joining his family . Along Aerimon 's path to apprehending Jayko , there would be much blood and even more suffering . Saren would be saturated with it and pleased beyond his content . Kalen would be difficult . He wouldn 't ever fall into the scheme smoothly . Jayko would need to keep himself one step ahead of that man while Aerimon would fall into his hand so very easily each and every time . Proper planning would keep Kalen too distracted and rattled for Jayko to have to worry about being caught . Satisfied in his plan and success , Jayko stood from his chair . He glided around the desk he sat at and walked for the door . A gnarled wooden staff suspended by brackets along the wall to his right caught his attention before he left . Often , Jayko had found his thoughts commandeered by the memories of the man who had possessed that staff . That old man had taught him how to find a new high in life by inflicting pain on others . He explained how Saren was the breeder of that lifestyle and the god that made all pain possible . Jayko recalled waking up one morning away from his home , in a strange place with no recollection of how he had wound up there . He then felt the pain of so many torturous things , both magical and physical . He begged for life , pleading that he would do anything to live . That was when Jayko 's teacher had released him , and forced him to exact the same tortures on another man to buy his life back . He remembered how his own pain had suddenly vanished as he drove spikes and blades into flesh and bone . He was only fourteen then . The memory was bittersweet , providing him with a feeling of good for knowing that his teacher would be proud of his achievements thus far , but also one of disdain for the hard life he had been drafted into while leaving his family behind to memory . Jayko was in the middle of a roaring river that would not release him from its grip . He 'd been stuck on its current for such a time as to no longer be able to see the forgiving shore , nor did he long to find it . He had ago accepted his new role in life years ago , and would be damned before he would stray from it , regardless of the difficulties it brought upon him . Still , a fondness swelled in him as he thought of his master . He walked to the staff and put his forehead against it , feeling some of the latent magic still left in it . " Saren will be fed the suffering souls of Makdiar . He will wolf down the pain of every life . And that agony shall be great . " Jayko violently slid his head along the staff and a rough corner of it sliced his forehead open . The shallow cut began to bleed and Jayko felt thin lines of blood roll down his temples and nose . He turned and walked from his room to come to a landing atop a flight of stairs . Below were the sounds of invigorated voices . In Jayko 's travels across Baranur , he had come into contact with several people that he was able to sway to his method of thinking . Those that learned of what he did and were not receptive , he killed . He and his family had only been in Dargon for a short time . With such a rich history and large population , it was a good place to corrupt . His family grew very slowly , of that he made sure . Someone had to be perfect to join . Otherwise , he 'd risk letting the weak into his fold and eventually be discovered . Nearly a dozen pairs of eyes turned to look up at Jayko and his bleeding face , the voices falling silent . They smiled at him , marveled at what he represented to them . The stinging pain left his forehead and Jayko said , " Dargon will know the pain we have all suffered . We will live in the highest state as we spill its blood . " Kalen woke earlier than normal , the sun 's rays not yet gracing Dargon this morning . He attempted to fall back into sleep , but it eluded him , much like it had done since his meeting with the duke . He consigned himself to another day with poor rest and swung himself out of his bed , doing his best not to disturb Ilona as she slept , carrying their baby within her womb . Kalen dressed quickly , planted a light kiss on Ilona 's forehead , then left his home . He walked with purpose as he made his way to the Old Guard House , casting greetings to the few townsfolk who were awake at this time . Kalen found himself inside the Old Guard House then immediately felt his stomach protest . He hadn 't eaten this morning , the need for food forgotten in his need to apprehend Jayko . He decided that he would see if anything notable had happened since he had gone home last night then make his way to a nearby bakery . The guard stationed behind the desk was asleep . Kalen stopped in his tracks , his eyes stuck to the sleeping man . He whispered , " Ol 's balls . Incompetent . " Kalen suddenly smacked his hand down on the sturdy desk and the man jolted awake , crying out in surprise . " Good morning ! I 'm sorry if I woke you but I just thought you 'd like to * do your farking job today ! * " Kalen waited in place , his arm stretched out as the man ran over . The parcel came down on Kalen 's palm and he gripped it . It was slightly bigger than his hand but still with considerable weight . He took it and left , not looking at the guard again . Kalen undid the knot quickly and unwrapped the parcel to find a wooden box , a simple clasp keeping it closed . He began to think of who would be sending him any kind of package and couldn 't place a single person . He suddenly felt the need to proceed with caution , a terrible worm of trepidation gnawing its way into his guts . Kalen opened the box slowly , and within , sat more folds of thick parchment and a small note . An odd , tangy odor came from the package , but it was quite faint . Kalen lifted the note from the box and the pit eating into his stomach suddenly sent a shockwave of the same stuff through his body , turning his fingers cold . One edge of the note was soaked in blood . Slowly , avoiding the blood on the note , Kalen opened it . Neat words had been scribed onto the piece of paper . " You would have been a good father , but I 'm still hungry . " The shockwave of cold turned into a phantom of terror and hellish things that possessed his entire body , setting his skin to crawling . He whispered , " Ilona , " then bolted from his seat . His knees crashed into the desk and knocked the entire thing over , spilling the rest of the contents of the box onto the floor . A half - eaten human heart rolled across Kalen 's floor and he gawked at it for a brief moment . He then burst into motion , leaping over the toppled desk and sprinting from his office . He screamed for help as he ran , intent on running faster than ever he had done before to make it home . Ilona recalled her husband kissing her lightly . She even remembered him leaving , the sound of their closing door coming to her as she fell back to sleep . She reassured herself that he would have woken her had she needed to get up as well . But then , he did awaken her . He was behind her in their bed , his arm draped over her and his hand on her stomach , cradling their unborn child . He would not have come back just to lie with her . Not after he had already left for the Old Guard House . The hand on her stomach suddenly felt too small and delicate to be Kalen 's strong , calloused hand . The breath hitting her neck smelled too rancid to be his , even after waking . The feeling of the body pressing against hers was simply wrong . She wrenched herself around , hoping to find her husband , hoping that her fears were irrational . Dark , menacing eyes looked upon her , seeming so very smug and satisfied to not be her husband 's . Short , smooth , blond hair fell across the man 's forehead , a red line crossing it . Ilona began to scream and fight when the man 's fist suddenly cracked against her jaw , stalling her resistance . Next , a hand closed on her throat and she could not make a noise . Ilona struggled violently against the man , tearing flesh from his arm with her nails , slamming the heel of her palm into his face twice . He rolled atop her and her strikes lost their strength . Blood flowed from his arm and his lower lip had split open but he did not relinquish her . In fact , through the blur of the attack , she saw him smiling despite the wounds . " I have never tried the flesh of a pregnant woman . Perhaps it is different . Perhaps even , I can have more than just you , but also what is inside you . " Renewed strength surged through Ilona . She thrashed against the control of the hand and raged . The man atop her lurched forward as she bucked and his head hit the wall above the bed . Still though , he kept his perch . She believed with every fiber of her being that her resistance would prevail and that she would kill this man . His hand , however , never slipped from her neck . His wounds and the pounding he took never deterred him . He brought his other hand towards her face and Ilona saw shadows , living and swirling in his palm . Kalen came upon his home and seeing it caused the burning pain in his legs to flee . The three men behind him tried and failed to match his speed but stayed near nonetheless . Kalen barely slowed as he came to his door and slammed his foot into it . The door swung open , the lock holding it shut bursting through the frame . Blood painted the floor of the hallway to his bedroom and he knew that he would lose his mind if he found his wife dead to that bastard Jayko . The blood caused him to slip and crash down on the floor hard . He rolled to all fours and tried using the walls to help himself stand but they too were coated in blood . He struggled but eventually rose , seeing more crimson slicking the floor at the door of his room . He burst into his room and came upon a world of crimson and glistening wetness . Toppled jugs were here and there , not belonging to Kalen . A figure covered in blood stood on the other side of the room , arms held in an awkward position . Kalen recognized eyes , crazed and scared , within the mess of blood that coated the person but struggled to understand much else . He was still deciding whether he needed to run a blade through whoever was walking towards him or help them when a muffled scream came from their mouth . Kalen immediately knew it was Ilona , soaked in blood , gagged , and with hands bound , stumbling towards him . He lunged for her and grabbed her in hands shaking beyond control . His tremors were multiplied by her own and he began frantically tearing away the gag and bonds . Ilona screamed and sobbed once she could and said Kalen 's name over and over again . Kalen grabbed her face and used his thumbs to futilely wipe the blood from her cheeks . Ilona barely managed through her shakes , " There were shadows , Kalen ! They went inside my mind ! He touched me , covered me in all this ! There 's so much ! How can there be this much ? I don 't know whose blood this is , Kalen ! I need it off of me ! " She screamed then tore herself away from his grip to begin beating at herself . She grabbed their blanket , turned it around to find the underside dry and began frantically wiping herself with it . Kalen leapt forward and began to help , sobbing just as she did . Kalen looked into his wife 's eyes as she cleaned herself and he saw a permanent stain there . She looked as though she had left her body and had yet to return fully . Suddenly , she blurted , " Aerimon ! He said he was going to Aerimon next , Kalen ! " Aerimon pulled a shirt over his head then began fussing with the strings at its neck . Helena came behind him and grabbed his hands , stopping his progress . " Don 't you try to keep me home now . I just might give in . " Helena giggled then kissed his neck . She slid around him and began tying his shirt for him . " I know you would . That 's why I won 't ask you to . " She smiled back , such admiration and sincerity in her eyes . " I love you too , Aerimon . " This was happiness . Aerimon was doing what he loved with his career and he was lucky enough to spend his days with a wonderful woman . " Now come and eat before you end up being late . Kalen has a lot to deal with this day and all the others until Jayko and his family are caught . He 'll be busy and he 'll need your help . " A chord of dissonance struck within Aerimon . It was as if someone had been playing a lovely song on a violin then suddenly hit a wrong note . " What did you say ? " he asked . Aerimon wasn 't even sure of what he had meant when he first asked . Now he understood what had seemed so odd . " You said ' his family ' . Why would you call it that ? It 's a cult . " Her surprised visage changed to one of brooding . What was she thinking ? Why did Aerimon suddenly feel uneasy ? It was like he was in the presence of the gang that had tried to extort him before he killed them . " Aerimon , " she began after a long moment , " that 's what you called them . Remember , when you told me about Aban . You said that he called them his ' family ' or whatever . You look so worked up . What is it ? " She moved to him and placed a hand on his stomach . Was it ? He thought back to that night and tried to remember if Aban had ever said that word . All he could remember was the blood , the screams , the torture . Maybe he had . Aerimon shook his head then looked into Helena 's eyes . There was nothing in her eyes to make him uneasy . " Sorry . I 'm just paranoid I guess . I 'm just worried that something will happen soon . He 's been out long enough to try something . " " It 's okay . " She raised herself up onto her toes and kissed his cheek . " Now come on before you 're late . " She led him out of the room and into the kitchen . A plate of bread and dried meat was set up on the table for him . A cup of something steaming was next to the plate . Aerimon sat before it then said , " Thank you , Helena . " " Oh , that isn 't even all of it , Aerimon . There 's more I have for you . Smell the tea and tell me what you think . " Aerimon looked up to her and found that she had her back turned to him , her hands working at something . He imagined that it was some other food and grabbed the cup before him . He put his nose to it and sniffed the concoction . He suddenly felt as though his nose must be in disrepair . There was no odor . He frowned and looked down into the cup to find clear water . A terrible woman stared at him with eyes too far apart and too low , a nose split in two right down the middle and pulled back against her cheeks , a gaping mouth twisted in pain , and all of it stark white . This wasn 't Helena . Something had taken her place . As he tried to lunge away from her , hands closed on his shoulders and stopped him . Next , a gloved hand full of writhing shadows fell upon Aerimon . Before they completely enshrouded his face and vision , Aerimon looked over his shoulder to see the bearer of those shadows . It was Jayko . Realization dawned . The suspicions he 'd had earlier became a reality even worse than he had imagined . This woman that he had come to love had been planted in his life . She had never loved him . She was a part of that godsdamned cult . She was Jayko 's . She 'd be responsible for the worst of his suffering since Gerald 's death . Every fiber of his being begged him to get up and rip them both to pieces but the shadows fell over him . He felt the thick tendrils of darkness engulf him , blurring his mind . Before he fell into unconsciousness he thought of how he wanted nothing more than to plant Helena deep beneath the soil . Before he killed her though , he 'd make that whore suffer worse than she ever thought possible . Dargon ThingsThings are Dargon - specific characters , places , or items unique to the world of Dargon . The Things below appear in this story . You may click on one to see its definition and the stories in which it appears : AbanArvynBaranurBlood KeenCepero , Sergeant RomanCerebral SyndicateColdwellDargon , Clifton IIDarklen , KalenEsotericsGarayHelenaIslandJayko FaasLeesanLirissMakdiarOl 's ballsOld Guard HouseOlean PantheonSaren 's GuiseShattered SpearTamoraTanbryTown Guard Search Avatars by Sterling Adventures DargonZine is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution - NoDerivs - NonCommercial License . Reproduction of issues or any portions thereof for profit is forbidden . We welcome new readers and writers interested in joining the project . Please address all correspondence to [ dargon @ dargonzine . org ] . |
What would a week be without a small reaction . lol I 'm perfectly ok , and this time I 'm chuckling while I write this , but this morning I had a small encounter with the snow in my backyard . I took the dogs outside about 8 a . m . to do their morning business . I always hook up Cubby to her line when I let her out ( we have no fence ) as she has a tendancy to run after anything that moves . I for one , am not chasing a crazed australian shephard through the neighborhood ( especially without hair . . . now that WOULD get some strange looks ) . I remember standing at the edge of my patio watching Frankie do his buisness ( which takes him forever by the way ) and all of a sudden a familiar light headed feeling started in my head . I looked over at one of the snow covered patio chairs and thought , " I should sit down . " Instead , I reached out to hold onto something until my head cleared and I grabbed the tree trunk on the side of the house . The next thing I knew , I was waking up lying face down in the snow ! I had fainted ! I couldn 't have been down for long though , as my faithful canine companion Frankie was still nearby . I picked myself up , brushed off the snow , and carefully walked back into the house . I climbed upstairs to find Steve ( he always seems to be UPstairs when these things happen ) and told him what had just occurred . He was very concerned but I assured him that I felt alright and I would just lie down for awhile . . . which I did . I realized a short time later that I had a gash at the base of my right thumb , which must have happened when my hand slid down the tree as I fell . I can only imagine what this scene must have looked like . Bald woman in red scottie dog pajamas faints dead away in her own backyard into the melting snow only to be totally ignored by her four legged friends . So much for being man 's best friend . And I 'm still hanging in there ! No news is good news . . . that 's what I have to say today . I went in for my Monday " shot " yesterday , and so far so good . I 'm actually feeling pretty good this morning . Could it be that my body is getting used to its toxic intake by now ? ! Three out of four A / C chemo treatments done , and only one more to go ( 2 weeks from now ) . Then I will get switched to a different drug and hopefully that one will go as smoothly as this one . I 've been occupying my time quietly at home , and running any errands I need in the late morning to early afternoon . I still get pretty pooped out by late afternoon / early evening and by the time Steve gets home from work I 'm pretty glassy eyed . lolOn the food front , I 've been trying to stick to simple foods lately . Fruit , yogurt , eggs have all been working for me . I had some yummy chicken soup dropped off at my house the other day and that was tasty too . I also received a wonderful new cookbook from a friend of my sister in Dallas , " Betty Crocker 's Living with Cancer Cookbook . " I 've been looking it over and there are quite a few recipes that I 'd like to try . Thanks so much for the book Nita ! : - ) Now , if we could just get some of that Dallas weather . . . we 'd be in GREAT shape ! Nothing much else to report on the last few days , isn 't THAT good news ! Carly will be coming home Thursday night from Chicago . She is working on a documentary film for one of her classesthis semester , and guess who is the topic of the documentary ? ! ! My elementary school has decided to honor me and the theme of their March Reading Month this year is " Read for a Cure . " Carly will be home to attend and film the assembly for her documentary . More about this later in the week though . . . so stay tuned . Hope all of you are having a good week , I 'm looking forward to the temps here in Michigan rising into the 40 's this week . And see what happens when I recommend a movie ( Slum Dog Millionaire ) it winds up winning LOTS of Academy Awards . lol Hope you all get a chance to see it . xoxoJoanne ( currently drinking RubPosted by This morning was my third round of chemo . So far so good . Everything went as it should . My blood counts were good and the drugs were administered accordingly . I was lucky to have a wonderful friend , Terry , help me pass the time while " lounging in the chair , " and the time really did zoom right by . We chatted , shared pictures , and laughed quite a bit . It seems that whenever I 'm at camp , the nurses always seem to come by to tell me that " someone is having way too much fun over here . " ( Who me ? ? Imagine that ! lol ) Well , it sure beats sitting there for THREE HOURS and having a miserable time . Right ? Might as well make the best of it , is what I say . ( Not to mention getting it over with as soon as possible . . . only one more A / C chemo treatment left . Then I get switched to a different chemo drug called Taxol which is given once a week for twelve long weeks . ) I really am hoping that the stomach medication I 've been taking this past week leading up to chemo day will really do the trick and eliminate that nasty reaction I had last week . Keep your fingers crossed ( or any other body parts that you think will work ) that it 's doing what it 's supposed to ! Yesterday afternoon I had a wonderful time at the public library . I met two Riverside families there ( it was planned ) and I even ran into two other Riverside students while I was there . I had lots of hugs and well wishes , and it was wonderful to see familiar faces . It seems like such a long time since I 've been at school , and I really am missing my students and all of the other boys and girls that I 'm used to seeing on a daily basis . I 'm constantly asked , " When are you coming back ? " and yesterday was no exception . I just tell everyone the same thing . . . I 'm doing everything that the doctors and nurses tell me to do so I can get better and come back to school . I 'm just not exactly sure when that will be . We are expecting a snow storm tonight in Michigan , but I 'll believe it when I see it . I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend . If you are in a warm climate , soak up a few rays for me . xoPosted by Everything about this cancer journey is strange and different . However , the strangest thing of all has got to be my ever changing taste buds . From day to day I never know how anything will taste . In desperation I searched the internet for a common food that cancer patients may have some luck in actually tasting good . I came across a post from a woman that said that her mother enjoyed taco bell during her chemo , and in fact , it was the only food that she enjoyed . That was enough for me . It was time to " make a run for the border . " I didn 't want to get carried away ( in case I couldn 't taste anything ) so I ordered two chicken soft tacos with regular hot sauce and pulled out of the drive - thru . I parked in the lot , unwrapped the taco , and squirted out the sauce . I was doubtful as I took the first bite , but let me tell you that I heard a choir of heavenly angels singing the Hallelujah Chorus ! Not only could I taste it , but it tasted good ! ( OK I realize that " good " may not be a word that you and I would normally associate with Taco Bell . . . but let 's consider the situation here ! ) I think I inhaled those two tacos in record time . It wasn 't so much the taco , but the SAUCE ! I think it was the first thing that I could truly taste in weeks . I 'm embarrassed to say this , but I licked the rest of the sauce out of the packets . ( Yes , I have no shame when it comes to being able to taste ) I was so excited at my new taste sensation , that I decided to try and find something similar while I was at the grocery store . ( Or else I was going to be making regular visits to pilfer the taco sauce from inside at the counter ) To my amazement , I found this at the grocery store ! ( more angels singing ) To my utter amazement , I have continued to " taste " this sauce . I have used it sparingly , as I don 't want to over do it , and have it lose it 's taste . It came in quite handy however , last night , when friends from my school , Jenni , and her sons Zach and Logan stopped by with chicken enchiladas and rice for dinner . YUM ! ( Thanks Rossignol family ) I opened thPosted by Monday morning . Back to work for some ( sorry Jess ) and day off for others ( enjoy the week off my Riverside friends ) . For me , time to catch up on the blog . Physically , I 've been feeling alright , so all is well on that front . I 'm now taking yet another pill , as this is the week of chemo ( sigh ) and hopefully this pill will prevent that nasty little side effect I experienced last Wednesday . Mentally , well , let 's just say that most days I 'm fine , but once in awhile I do get overwhelmed with everythingand I 'm told that this is normal . Considering that it has now been 9 weeks since I received the " news " I 'd like to think I 'm handling everything to the best of my abilities , but let 's face it , we ALL have bad days with or without cancer . I wanted to share the beautiful flowers that my daughters sent me . They arrived on " wig day " and most certainly brightened up my day . The message on the card said it all . Jess , Carly , and Rach , I love you SO much . Thanks for loving me with or without hair . . . but if it 's alright with the three of you , I 'm looking forward to the day that you can love me WITH my hair again . : - ) ( They are so beautiful , they deserved a close - up too ! ) I also received a t - shirt and hoodie that I had to share with all of you . Both made me laugh out loud and I 'm sure you will too . The t - shirt was sent from my wonderful friend , Lisa , in Texas . She 's really my sister 's best friend , but if it 's ok , I 'm going to claim her too . Thanks so much Lisa , I just love the shirt ! I 'm sure it will get many many comments when I wear it outside of the house . lolAnd if the t - shirt isn 't funny enough , look at the hoodie was sister sent me for Valentine 's Day . If this doesn 't make you laugh , you need an attitude check . Who ever said that cancer doesn 't have a humorous side ! ; - ) Last , but not least , I wanted to share a good movie tip with all of you . Steve and I watched " SlumDog Millionaire " yesterday afternoon . I really had no idea what to expect but I have to tell you that I was pleasantly surprised . I REALLY enjoyed this movie . I 'm not oPosted by I 'm ready to back track now . Let 's return to Tuesday and the infamous wig day . My dear friends , Deb and Michelle , went along with me for moral support . I was SO glad they were there . After all , it 's not every day that a girl loses her hair in under 5 minutes flat ! After my shower that morning , it was quite evident that the doctors and nurses did know exactly what they were talking about . ( I was hoping that just maybe they 'd be wrong . . . but no such luck ) After the second chemo treatment your hair DEFINITELY falls out . What a weird feeling that was . I can 't even really put it into words . All I can say , is one second there is hair on your head , right where it 's always been , and the next thing you know , it 's lying in your hand in VERY large clumps . It made the decision for wig day very easy . The rest of the hair needed to go . We arrived at " Advanced Hair Solutions " ( very fancy name for wig place . . . but sure does sound better ) and I was ready for MY solution ! My last visit there had culminated in two finalists , and they were ready and waiting for me to try on . One wig was chin length , the other extended a bit past my shoulders . You can see them over my shoulder next to the mirror . They are even labeled with my name so no one else could claim them as their " solution . " I had arrived with my pink bandana tied tightly around my head for fear I would be shedding hair all over Deb 's car . As good as a friend as she is , I didn 't feel that it would be polite ( call me crazy ) for her to have to vacum up my hair from her car after she took me home . This is what I looked like when we arrived . Fairly easy to recognize me . I told Pam , the wonderful stylist that was helping me , that her first job was to get rid of the remaining hair . She had told me on my last visit that she could do this for me and that I would also know " when it was time . " She was very kind and turned me away from the mirror so I couldn 't watch . I had brought my camera to document everything , and Deb had brought hers as well , so Michelle and Deb snapped pics of the ePosted by Where to begin with today 's blog ? I left off two days ago with heading to the wig shop , but sometimes " stuff " happens . I was all set yesterday morning to update with some pics from the wig outing and to let you know how everything went . Unfortunately I had another chemo reaction , and all I can say is thank goodness that it was Steve 's day off and he was at home to help . Chemo affects everyone differently and there is no rhyme or reason when it will strike . I became very light headed and broke out in a cold sweat . I was also experiencing some pretty bad stomach cramps to say the least . I realized pretty quickly that I needed " help " and somehow managed to get upstairs to where Steve was still sleeping . I told him to call the doctor right away . The office said to come by immediately . I don 't really recall the trip over there , I was pretty out of it . They checked my blood counts , which I 'm happy to say were fine , but my blood pressure was very low and I needed fluids . I was also given some other medications to immediately stop the cramps and stomach problems . I was also told to drink , drink , and drink fluids all day , and if there were any other problems later in the day , I 'd have to head to the E . R . Steve went out and came back with assorted gatorades and juice for me to drink , which I consumed the rest of the day so there would be no need to head back to the hospital . There was no way I wanted to go back over there . I took it easy the rest of the day and ate toast and cream of wheat . How yummy does that sound . lol I figured better safe than sorry . I have to admit that the whole thing was a bit scary and made me realize how little control I have over all of this . I 'm going to be taking additional meds now the day of chemo and the days following to hopefully avoid this type of reaction again . The one good thing about yesterday . . . I didn 't think once about the fact that I no longer have hair ! : - ) I 'll come back later this afternoon and tell you all about the wig trip . I 'll even share some pics with you . . . if you can standPosted by Today I 'll be getting my wig . I have mixed feelings about this , as you can imagine . I know it 's just hair , and it will grow back , but it 's official now . After my second chemo treatment this past Friday , my hair is slowly but surely falling out . Just as they told me it would . Couple that with the fact that the last two days I 've felt extremely tired , and my taste buds have gone hay - wire , I haven 't been a very happy camper . There is a constant and unusual taste in my mouth that is hard to describe , and even though I know how something should taste , it tastes nothing like that when I put it into my mouth . Even water tastes strange . I 've tried some of the suggestions I 've read about as well as some that the nurses have told me about to try and negate this weird taste in my mouth , but nothing really works that great . I just have to hope that it will come and go , and hopefully go soon . I 'll check back in later with news from the wig trip today , I 'm sure there will be a good story to tell . xoxoJoanneA . M . update before I leave to get my wig . It seems that " everything does happen for a reason . " This morning my head must have just known where it was going . After my shower , my hair decided that it was time to depart , in a BIG way . I was left with huge handfuls of hair everywhere , and yes , I did shed the proverbial tears . I knew this day was coming , but I can honestly say that I don 't think anyone is really prepared for it , including me . After all , I 've had good hair days and bad hair days for many years now , but at least I 've had hair . So , before I get fitted for my wig , there will just one more small detail to take care of . . . the rest of my hair will get shaved off . It will surely beat watching it slowly shed day after day . I 'll be ok , after all , the hair I 'll be leaving the shop with is going to be a drastic improvement on what I 've got left now . The trouble with reading cookbooks , is that you want to immediately run into the kitchen and whip up everything that you 've just read about . Now that would be humanly impossible ( but I would be willing to give it the old college try ) so I have to try things that I know Steve and I might eat . But that turns out to be tricky too . He doesn 't like nuts , I do . He doesn 't like fruit or berries , and I do . I can 't even turn old bananas into bread or muffins because he doesn 't like them either . What 's a baker to do ? I decided to make a cake just for him that I knew he would like ( and wouldn 't be horrible for me to choke down a few pieces either ! ) I found a recipe for his favorite cake , Boston Cream Pie . ( yes , it 's a cake and not a pie ) . It is yellow layers , filled with vanilla custard , and topped with chocolate . What 's not to love here ! I found the recipe in a book I checked out from the library , " All Butter Fresh Cream Sugar - Packed Baking Book . " With a title like that , how could I go wrong . The cake was delicious , Steve loved it , and it is slowly disappearing in the frig . No , the two of us have not eaten the entire thing ourselves , Carly has helped to eat a few slices too . I thought you 'd like to see a picture of it in it 's four layer goodness . On another baking front . Before Carly came home for the weekend , she called and asked " if I wasn 't too busy . . . . " LOL I do seem to have a fair amount of time of my hands these days , so I asked her what she wanted . It seems a friend of hers was getting married and of course , she wanted to make some wedding cookies for him and his bride . Could I please bake the cookies for her before she came home , and she would decorate them on Saturday . Who am I to turn down making cookies ! Of course I told her that I would . We tag teamed on the cookies . I made the dough , cut them out , and baked them . She put on the base coat of icing , and I finished up with the decorating . We were both happy with the results , and she delivered them to the reception hall yesterday to the groom . Best of luck to the hPosted by Today 's round went smoothly . It took longer this time due to the fact that I had to have my blood drawn and analyzed before they could administer the drugs . My counts were good , so they hooked me up . I thought you would interested to see what it is exactly that is being pumped into my body , so I had Steve take a pic of it all . The red syringes ( Yes , there are three and they are BIG ) is adriamycin which the nurse has to push slowly into my IV herself . The bag is cytoxan ( see how closely the spelling resembles toxic ! ) and that is dripped slowly by IV . I do have to tell you that today we entertained the entire chemo room . ( You know me , never a dull moment , even in chemo ) I had taken the huge stack of get well cards sent from my elementary school to help me pass the time , and we read and shared them out loud . All of the nurses stopped by to read some , and even the woman sitting next to me was laughing . The cards were WONDERFUL . Thank you so much to the teachers at Riverside Elementary and all of the students that took the time to send me get well wishes . Those cards were the best medicine I could have received . Another " fun " thing that happened today ( it 's not all bad there ) was my nurse , Lisa , decided I needed some bubbles . You know , the wand kind . While I was hooked up , she blew bubbles my way and it sure did put a smile on MY face . I thought you 'd also like to see that as bad as chemo sounds , the nurses are fabulous , and they go out of their way to make you feel good . I also saw another patient today bringing the nurses baked goods . . . . UH OH . . . . you know what that means . . . I now have a REASON to bake ! ( We all know that I don 't really need a reason , but it sounds good anyway ) If you look closely , you can see my trying to pop the bubbles . I thought I 'd also post a pic of Carly hanging out with me . I took one of Steve too , but he told me to delete it . . . so no Steve . See how happy she is to do nothing with me for three hours ! : - ) Steve was happy too , I just can 't show you happy he was ! Rach , look closely at the table next toPosted by My bag is packed . I have reading material , my ipod ( thanks again Rach ) , get well cards from my elementary school , my pink blanket , my cancer sucks bear , and of course a water bottle . I 'm ready for my second visit to camp chemo this morning . Hopefully all will go as smoothly as the first time . Steve and Carly are going with me to keep me company . ( Carly drove home from Chicago last night ) I 'll check back later today to let you know how things went . Hope everyone has a great day . xoxoJoanne ( I actually drank a cup of tea this morning , and it didn 't taste too bad ! ) A special welcome to Rickey and Eve : - ) I 'm SO happy to have you following my journey ! xoxo I 'm sorry it 's taken me this long to say thank you to the many many friends and family that have been sending me gifts and cards . If you know me , then you already know that I 'm a computer idiot . . . plain and simple . At school , I rely on Suzie Crawford ( care to make a home visit Suz ? ) to get me through the world of computers . I 've been known to barge into her room at a moment 's notice because I can 't even get my computer attendance to print out ! And without Carly at home either to " do it for me , " I 've been trying to figure out how to do everything myself , and it just takes me awhile . ( awhile could mean days in my case ) So , I 've got the pics loaded , re - sized , and ready to go . Are you impressed yet ? ( OK , I did have to put in one long distance call to Carly in Chicago and she helped via the phone ! Thanks Carly ! ) I 'm going to try and add in my two cents along with each pic , but I 'm not sure if I 'll be able to swing that . Let 's see what happens . . . Riverside Racer PlantThis came from my school family . Thanks Racers ! The plant is sitting in my family room where it reminds me of all of you every day . It is a privilege to work with each and every one of you , and I can 't wait until I 'm back at school . I 'm sure things are quiet there without any " orange incidents " but don 't worry because . . . I 'll be back ! : - ) Tulip BulbsThis lovely basket was a gift from my dear friend Nancy that retired at the end of last school year . She is currently spending her free time in Florida soaking up the warm rays with her husband Bill . Nancy , the bulbs just bloomed YESTERDAY ! ! Aren 't they beautiful ! Thanks so much for sending a little bit of Spring my way ! Cancer Sucks ! ( why yes , it does ! ) This arrived last week from my lovely daughter Rachel . She is busy at Butler University being a conscientious freshman who is studying hard to become a teacher ( like her dear old mom ) , and is spending countless hours as a Kappa Kappa Gamma pledge . Yet , she found time to send me this adorable bear that echoes my sentiments exactly ! Thanks Rach . . . I love you lots and lotsPosted by Today is my first official day of being alone . Mom is back in New Jersey now and Steve is off at work , so it 's just me and my two perpetual four legged shadows . ( So I guess in reality , I 'm not really alone ! ) The sun is shining and it 's a balmy 40 degrees in Michigan , almost makes me want to break out the short sleeved t shirts ! This is my drug free week , and I 'm excited . No meds to take ( unless I feel side effects coming on ) and no doctor visits . : - ) Gee , I feel kind of normal ! I 'm going to enjoy it while it lasts . I 've finally found a beverage to drink that tastes " normal " to me . . . apple juice ! I 've already finished an entire bottle of " Simply Apple " and it was . . . simply deeelicious ! I drank so much however , that I was having visions of the famous Willy Wonka line ( OK , I am kind of obsessed with the old version of this movie , so I can relate anything to it ) " Violet , you 're turning violet ! " Only in my head , I was turning into a giant apple ! So , I 'll wait a day or two before buying some more . Back to the water . sigh . I 'm working on the pics to post for all of my many thank yous . They should be ready by tomorrow to post . ( sorry , I 'm a computer idiot and it takes me three times as long as a normal person to do anything ) I have been baking a little , and sent Steve off to work this morning with chocolate chip cookies . Today I made some carrot cake muffins which are cooling , so I haven 't tried them yet . Believe it or not , I 'm really not eating what I bake , I just like reading new recipes and then trying them out . I picked up a few new cookbooks from the library today , so I 'm sure there will more baking to come this week . I want to say a special HELLO to Linday P . who I saw is now following my blog ! : - ) Linday , I can 't believe you are 14 now ! It seems like only yesterday that you were sitting in my third grade classroom ! You are a beautiful young lady ! Please give my best to your Mom and to Michael . Have a great day , I 'll be here drinking my apple juice ! : - ) xoxoJoanne |
On August 4 , 2010 our hearts broke as we heard the Dr . say " she has anencephaly . . . these babies don 't live " at our 19 wk ultrasound . The Dr . is wrong . Our precious daughter 's time on earth may be short , but she will live for eternity with our Lord in heaven . During the few months we have her here with us , we intend to make the most of every second of it . Our hope is that she will leave behind more than a few short memories , but that she will leave a legacy of what it means to hope in Jesus . I 've been at a loss for words lately . I keep thinking I should write , but have no idea what to write . Never a good sign for a writer like me . . . . It 's been a hard week . Had my 6 wk check yesterday and it was a total sob session . Through this whole journey all I wanted to do was prove to people that carrying Rachel to term wasn 't a mistake . . . that having another baby soon after her death wasn 't a mistake . . . and that my God planned it and is capable to carry me through all of this , good and bad . . . . And I feel like I am failing miserably at all three . The doctors ( among others ) probably think I 've made my own struggles with these choices . I know they think I can 't make it through on God alone . And I 'm not even convinced they are wrong anymore . . . . well , that 's not true . . . I KNOW they are wrong , I just don 't always FEEL like they are . And so I 'm struggling to not feel like I 've been overcome . . . . by my sorrow , by my circumstances , by the ways of the world . It 's about to be 2012 and my sweet girl was born in 2010 . . . . the distance in time is making her feel further and further away . I want to just stop the world and get off . But then there is my other beautiful children . . . . waiting patiently to get their mama back . . . I look at them and know that I 'm missing it . I 'm missing their lives . I know I will look back with regrets over how emotionally and physically unavailable I have been for them . . . and I can tell myself that kids are resilient and they will be ok . But kids NEED their mamas . They need their mamas around physically , but they need them emotionally too . A while back , my kids were learning a lot about leaning on God through hard trials by watching me and so while it was tough , I know it wasn 't bad for them . But lately , they aren 't seeing me with a whole lot of hope . And that is not what I want for them . Knowing this is one thing , but I have no idea how to do anything about it . I 've tried to make myself feel , think , act , be different . I 've tried to be pro - active in my healing . I 've tried waiting on God and just holding on by a thread . . . but time is not my friend here . The minutes in my grief feel like decades , while the rest of my life flies by me . And I 'm stuck in the middle of this all , paralyzed with heartache . Oh Dear Lord , I was not prepared for how this would hurt . Please restore my soul and bring me back to a place of Hope and Comfort . Help me to not miss out on the blessings I 've been allowed to keep . In the midst of my pain , God bring me joy . John 16 : 33I have said these things to you , that in me you may have peace . In the world you will have tribulation . But take heart ; I have overcome the world See where I 'm going with this ? I would never ask you to vote my way for elections or anything , but could you go to this link and click on Asa wearing his owl hat and " like " it ? The photo with the most " likes " wins ! The week leading up to Christmas went fairly well . I felt the joy of the Christmas season and was , for the first time in I don 't know how long , actually looking forward to seeing people . I even took the first step at getting a couple of the relationships that have been hurting since last year back to good , as the Holy Spirit was leading me to . On Christmas eve , My mom , sister & her kids came over to open gifts together . . . . we were in the living room and I mentioned that the one thing I wanted to buy still that I didn 't was a sled ornament for Asa . I told them how my friend Ruth had bought one for each of the kids last year , including Rachel and I wanted Asa to have a matching one . ( I have one from 1981 that my Nana bought me too ) . After they left , I sat down to eat lunch and saw a package on the table that Matt had just brought in while I was visiting with my mom & meg . . . I saw Ruth 's name on it and I knew . . . . She remembered . Thanks , Ruth ♥ She sent Asa 's sled and a beautiful card remembering Rachel . Christmas eve service went okay - I hardly shed a tear ( thanks to my anxiety medicine . . . ) I was really feeling like Christmas was going to be easy this year . That night , Asa threw up on his blanket as we were getting ready for bed . I put it in the washer around midnight . He was laying in his little hammock sleeper next to the couch . I walked in to the living room and sat down next to him . As I sat there staring at him , it hit me like a ton of bricks . . . . She was my Christmas baby . . . . It 's Christmas and she 's not here . I picked up my boy and laid him on my chest . I covered him with her blanket and cried myself to sleep . I woke up Christmas morning so thankful to hear my boys playing in the kitchen . Des was still asleep and I laid there to nurse Asa , who was still wrapped in Rachel 's blanket . The morning went pretty well . I managed to make my quiche ( a tradition that I wasn 't able to get myself to do last year ) and we opened presents and had a good morning . I only got 2 letters ( random acts of kindness ) for her stocking and so I read them to everyone . . . . but keeping anyone 's attention for things like that is hard and it just left me feeling alone in missing her . So I guess it was a blessing in disguise that I didn 't get more . I had come up with the idea of driving up north 2 1 / 2 hours to see Matt 's family Christmas day . ( a result of the week before going well cause that day , it was the last thing I wanted to do . ) Before we went , I took a ride to the cemetery by myself . It would have been too much to drag the kids 20 minutes in the opposite direction and then for the long car ride , so again , I was alone in missing her . I tried to tell myself it would be okay to go another day . . . . that I should just focus on our plans with my living family . . . . but I just couldn 't leave this area without stopping there first . I needed to go . I cried on the phone to my mother the whole way there over the fact that Rachel 's gone and how hard this journey has been on my marriage . I hung up as I pulled up to her grave . I flopped on the cold hard ground in front of our stone . . . . the grave next to ours newly dug and occupied . . . I looked at the fresh dirt next to me and the dying flowers from the top of his casket . . . I looked at Rachel 's name . . . . Is this seriously my life ? Did this really happen ? I could have cried the day away sitting right there , but there was traveling to do and in - laws to visit . . . . I cried harder and longer than I have in quite a while , but my times of grieving are always cut short by my obligations . I went home and got ready . We left the house 2 hours late . Drove forever , visited for a couple hours and made the drive home . Got home at I wish I could write something about all the places I see God in this . For the first 6 months after she died , I used to have a million stories like that . . . I wish I could tell you how raw my emotions are and then follow it up with a truth about God that will fill my emptiness . . . . that used to come automatically . I wish I wasn 't finding myself angry so often . . . I wish this pain would go away . I wish I was still honestly praising God for all of this . But the truth is that I wish this wasn 't my life - and I wish I wasn 't so alone in missing her . And honestly , I 'm more disappointed with His plan now than ever before . I want her back - and I 'm struggling to understand what I even believe anymore . I realized that while I thought I was making it easier on me with this stupid blog , I haven 't . What I did was throw myself into helping everyone else right from Rachel 's diagnosis . . . . answering hundreds of emails every week about other people 's struggles and losses and their questions about faith . I stayed up almost all night for months after she died answering emails . . . I felt like that was what I was being called to - and still do really , I don 't regret it . I 'm honored that so many people opened up their hearts to share with me . . . But at the time when it would have been totally ' normal and acceptable ' to not want to be around anyone and to not talk to anyone and to cry all the time , I was going to other baby 's funerals and answering emails and phone calls to support everyone I could . I was building a playground that I never step foot on cause it 's too painful to look at now and organizing a walk to raise money in Rachel 's memory for other people 's benefit and shopping for other babies on Rachel 's birthday instead of her . The result ? Now , when I ' should ' be feeling better . . . when I ' should ' be crying less . . . when I ' should ' be wanting to be around people again , most of the requests for support from others has dissipated ( when I would love to be able to focus on others too ) and it feels like I 'm stuck at square one in my griefI 'm trying to remember that I was walking in the way I felt led at the time and that God was in those decisions . . . and I 'm trying to remember that I did just have a baby and am not sleeping much so things can feel bigger than they are at times like this . . . . I know how hormones affect me after every baby ( never mind with grief mixed in ) and I try to not underestimate them . I 'm trying to be patient and trust God for my healing . . . . but I 've got to be honest , I 'm starting to really feel like something is wrong with me . I can 't handle feeling like this much longer . And while it 's all good to say " you have every right to grieve however you need to " ( which I SO appreciate from all of you ) I 'm still sick of feeling like this and wondering if I 'm EVER going to get any better ? ? I wrote all this and decided I wasn 't going to post it . . . . I told my sister that I feel like at this point people are expecting something from me that I can 't give . . . they want me to be better . I feel like I 'm a mess and because I 'm a mess openly , people tend to like to analyze what they think I could be doing differently to feel better . You know , how they would do it . . . . Admit it , you 've probably thought it too . . . . and quite honestly , I 'm tired of feeling like I am a failure . My sister 's response to my concern was this : " You didn 't start writing your blog for the people who judge you . You started it for the people who need to know they aren 't alone if they feel like you do - even if that 's just one person . Helping people is what Rachel 's life was all about . _ ( beep ) _ the people who judge you " So I 'm reluctantly posting this . . . . if you 're that one person tonight that no longer feels alone in your grief , could you send me your email address or something cause so far , I 've yet to find a friend who really gets me and can help me not feel alone . And I am so tired of being alone in my grief and in missing my girl . I don 't want to hear another " don 't worry , it will get better and some day you 'll be good like I am " I need to hear " I 'm there too and you 're not alone " I can write out all my feelings on this keyboard , but at the end of the day if all it does is bring out the critics , what good is it ? If all I get is sympathetic notes and cyber - hugs and " you 'll see her again someday " what 's the purpose ? I want to see her NOW . And I can 't . Heaven is too far away to make me feel any less of a loss now . I want to be that girl that I was back in the beginning . . . . so full of hope and with complete trust in God 's plan . But right now I 'm not . I 'm sorry . I have no doubt that God will eventually lead me out of this pit , but right now I 'm in the thick of it . The timing sucks , it doesn 't seem to line up with what people think ' should ' happen ( and I 'm not just talking about the ones who say so . . . I 'm talking about the people who say nothing and silently judge as well ) and believe me , I 'm not sitting in this because I like the smell of poop . I want out more than you want me out . I want to just think of her and smile more than anyone on the planet could possibly begin to understand . She is my daughter . I HATE the fact that when I think of her I want to scream because I 'm totally pissed that she 's dead . Can somebody , anybody , please tell me I 'm not the only one ? The Aube 's have all been hit with these bad chest colds the last couple of weeks . Asa 's been fighting it too and so on Christmas I didn 't let anyone hold him . I really don 't let anyone hold him usually anyway , but was more adamant about it and I 'm so thankful I was because last night he started having trouble breathing . Today I brought him to the doctors and he 's now on a steroid nebulizer twice a day and albuterol nebulizer 3 - 4 times a day . Too bad I can 't give him breathing treatments while nursing cause I don 't know how much I can do if I 'm always sitting on the couch nursing or medicating my baby boy . I 'm not overly worried about him ( thank God ) because Sam is on both of those medicines daily for his asthma so I 'm comfortable with this stuff , but I 'm hoping he 'll be breathing easier in a day , because if not he 'll probably needs an antibiotic . Please pray that he 'll get better fast . It 's nerve wracking to watch him struggle to breathe and I am nervous that if it doesn 't clear up quickly , it could turn into something worse . He 's too little for this : o ( Asa had his cardiologist appointment today . They did an EKG and then a really long ultrasound of his heart that took over 45 minutes . He was so good , he laid there staring into my eyes the whole time nice and still . The appointment was well over 2 hours all together , but uninterrupted time with my boy is hard to come by around here so it was nice to hang out , just me & him . I can 't get enough of him . His murmur looks harmless , but they did see that he has " PFO " which is short for a really long name that basically means his flap between the right and left side of his heart that should have closed after birth , didn 't . The doctor said that is most likely why he turns so blue when he cries . ( blood goes through the opening , which it 's not supposed to do because it should be closed , but pressure from crying hard could cause that ) He also recommended I not google it because there was a school of thought a while back that PFO 's caused strokes , which he said is not correct - UNLESS he goes scuba diving . No joke . . . if he ever wants to scuba dive , he needs to get another EKG first . Strange , but I think that buys us some time . Strokes run in Matt 's side of the family so this isn 't the best news I 've ever gotten , but it 's not the worst either . . . and although I really didn 't think they would find anything , there were moments during that visit as I waited - and I watched her scan his little heart - that I thought ; what if today is the day that I get HIS diagnosis ? ? What if I 'm sitting here thinking it 's all fine and not taking it seriously enough when he is actually really sick and I just don 't know it yet . . . . like the day I had Rachel 's ultrasound . . . . What if the doctor reads this and tells me he has heart problems ? What if this is the first of many appointments here and he dies from a bad heart ? How could I handle that ? ? Please God , let me keep him . . . . A nurse held him for me while I went to the bathroom . I asked her if she minded and she said " are you kidding , this is my Christmas present ! " To which I replied : " He 's my Christmas present , too " - if only she knew . I 'm not going to google it . . . . yet . Tonight I 'm just taking it all in . . . . and I do have confidence that a doctor from Boston Children 's Hospital isn 't going to misguide me on this . But someday I may dare to see what Dr . Google says about it . ( if you feel the need to look it up , please don 't tell me about it - good or bad ) For now , I 'm counting my blessings . . . . I bought this picture frame set on sale on Black Friday when I went to Kmart . It was marked down to $ 6 and really nice , so although I had no idea who I would give it to , I decided it made a good gift and picked it up for " someone " . Soon after I bought it , I redecorated my living room and started thinking it would look good on my wall . so here is the problem . . . It only has 4 frames . . . I have lamented over this for days . Every time I sit down to nurse , I 've looked at it and thought ; I can 't put everyone but Rachel in it . . . Or maybe I should do family pics - but I will never again have a family pic that has my whole family in it , or I could use pics of me & Matt . . . This isn 't our " home " anyway , our real home is in heaven , which is where Rachel is . Ugh . . . Maybe I should just give it away . . . The other day we went to Kohl 's . These metal picture frames with flower accents caught my eye and I stopped to look . ( can you tell I have a picture / frame addiction ? ) It was a set of frames that all matched and the first one I saw was a sign with the " life is not measured " saying . . . . my heart sunk . . . ( icky feeling from the recent comment ) . I looked down at the next shelf and saw one that had a spot for two photos ( you can 't see them in this pic , but there is one on each side ) and metal flowers ( daisies ? ) in the middle and it said : Life brings us to unexpected places . Love brings us home " I turned around a tried to tell Matt what I was thinking and started bawling . I could not stop . . . I walked away at an attempt at changing my thoughts . I continued through the crowded store crying , covered in tears . Desirae reached out and held my hand . I knew that this frame had a different meaning for me . I knew all of my staring at the " HOME " frame , contemplating heaven and earth and how I 'm supposed to love so deeply in both places , was God preparing me for yet another reminder of how real He is . Her life brought us to unexpected places . . . and God 's love brought her HOME . I turned around and went back to get the frame . I never expected I would ever lose a child of mine . That hospital room with empty arms was the last place I ever expected to be . But , because of Jesus and the Father 's love for her , she 's home . My little man was born 5 weeks ago today . I can hardly believe that much time has gone by . He 's growing way too fast for my liking and I have LOVED every second of being this sweet baby 's Mama . I can feel the healing part of having a baby to hold that everyone told me would happen . . . and yet when I hold him , my heart aches all the more for Rachel . Today I had him laying on my lap . . . he smiles at me and his eyes sparkle when he looks into mine . He loves me almost as much as I love him : o ) But as he went in and out of sleep , his little hands kept going up into the air and back down . I noticed that I was playing with his tiny fingers , which he had straight out . He 's so soft , so little , so perfect . I put his hand on my wrist next to Rachel 's hand print and tried to remember what it was like to hold her soft , little , perfect hands . . . . On the changing table tonight , I played with Asa 's little feet . He kicked them around and I kissed them and touched them to my face . I thanked God for him , his tiny toes and asked Him to be with him wherever his little feet take him . But as I stood there with his feet on my cheeks ( I know it sounds weird ) I wished I would have played with Rachel 's feet more . . . I hate the fact that I don 't remember her feet that well . I can picture them ( and yes , her hands and feet both looked just like Asa 's ) but I don 't remember how it felt to touch them . Last night as we snuggled on the couch , I kissed his warm cheeks and cozy neck . He was all scrunched up on me , legs curled up as if he was pretending he was still in my womb . When I put his head on my chest , the beating of my heart puts him right to sleep and I listen to him breathe and watch him squirm around and grunt . I could live in these moments forever . . . . and yet as I feel the immeasurable joy and gratitude that comes from being able to love my Asa , I can 't help but remember the cold cheeks , straight legs , the stillness of her body and the silent night that I had with my Rachel . And as I write this post , I 'm typing one - handed because Asa is on my lap nursing . . . . I do everything with this baby and love it . I don 't take one second with him for granted and appreciate every demand he puts on me , every inconvenience he causes , every hour of sleep I lose to be able to care for his needs . I love being his Mama - and I love being Rachel 's Mama . And I know that my role as Rachel 's Mama is different , but still important . . . but I 'd be lying if I said I didn 't wish it could be the same . I would give anything to be able to be so inconvenienced by her demands on me . But until the day I see her again , I will continue to love her the only way I humanly know how - and hold her little brother a little bit tighter and love him a little bit deeper than I ever have held and loved before . We finally got her grave all set up - Matt went with me to help me and the kids ran around & played . It was freezing out , but we got it done - and hopefully it will hold up in the weather . I wanted to show you a pic when her lights came on , but we weren 't there that late . I 'll get one of those later . . . And as we went to leave , I found this on the ground next to the van ( it 's fake , and yes , my hands were that red from the cold ! ) I put it on her stone under the " live " stone we have there . And in the same week that we set up a Christmas tree for our daughter 's grave , we sent out the announcement for our son 's birth . . . . And here 's a more recent pic since those are from when he was just 5 days old ! I mean , seriously , do they come much cuter ? I love this kid ! All my kids , except Rachel have worn these jammies . . . they have orange lines and we got them at my baby shower for Desirae . I wish I would have remembered to bring them to the hospital to put on Rachel too . : o ( Asa has almost grown out of them now . And since everyone asks , all my babies have had MORE hair than Asa , even Rachel : o ) And so daily my heart continues to try to walk this tightrope of beauty and pain . . . . love and hurt . . . . hello and goodbye . . . . a baby in a grave and one in a cradle . . . . and it still is more complicated emotionally than my words can describe , but I 'm starting to think that maybe that 's k . Some people will never be able to understand no matter how well I explain . . . . and honestly , that 's a good thi g . Because my heart breaks again and again for the people who read this post and know what I me On Friday , I had spent a bunch of time stringing up lights on my fence . . . are you ready for this . . . KNOWING they weren 't working . I had convinced myself that I just needed to go look at the fuse box cause ALL the lights couldn 't possibly be broken . Well , after they were all up , I figured out that the lights were , in fact , all broken . ( or at least that one of them was ruining it for the rest ! ) I feel like this is the story of my life lately . . . I try to get something done , feel like it 's going really well , and then get stopped in my tracks . It happened with Rachel 's grave , the lights on my fence , my plan for Christmas cards . . . the list goes on and on . . . . So anyway , I was out looking for lights and I found a little Christmas tree and a small strand of lights for just $ 2 . 75 . I know , NOT what I was supposed to be looking for , but Desirae had just told me that she wanted one for her room and this was perfect for her . But the store had a $ 5 minimum on credit cards and so I kept looking for something else to buy so I could get the tree for her . I was looking for a solution for Rachel 's grave . But what I came across was this sign : Why don 't I leave things up to God ? Do I not believe He can handle it ? Why couldn 't I just take the ' high road ' and keep my mouth ( fingers ) shut ( off the keyboard ) ? Why can 't I just let Him be my defender ? . . . . when am I going to learn ? It 's like I can 't get out of my own way . I put it in the cart and headed for the check out . My mind kept going . . . I should have just ignored it . . . I know the truth . . . . I mean , why can 't she ( they ) see into my aching heart ? Why do I hide behind anger instead of behind God ? Does it ever really do me any good ? It feels safer to defend myself and be angry , but would it hurt any less if I waited on Him . . . well , He might not have done anything . . . . and what good has my ' solution ' brought ? She ( they ) probably just feels all the more justified in her harsh opinion of me . How can I be so misunderstood , even in my darkest valley ? Why do I let people 's words cut so deep and bring me further down ? I looked at the sign again as I placed it on the counter . . . . God is faithful . . . . I knew right where it would go in my house - it 's going to replace the " Life is not measured " saying that I have next to Rachel 's picture since " Ms . J " officially added a negative slant to it in my heart , using it to criticize me - and I wasn 't even convinced it brought me much comfort before that anyway . I thought about how much I desperately need the reminder of my faithful God right now . Just past Rachel 's 1st birthday and about to celebrate Christmas without her and our first Christmas with Asa . . . . being pulled in a million directions physically and emotionally - and this added stress on top of it all . As she rung me up , I looked over at a box on the counter . It was filled with rocks that all had a word on them . I looked through it while she messed with the card machine , which didn 't want to take my card ! I looked at them just out of curiosity as I waited . . . . Health . . . Peace . . . Joy . . . Forgive . . . I looked away , but couldn 't shake it . . . I felt it in my heart . . . . forgive . . . . He is Faithful and Just and He can handle it . I need to let him . I need to forgive and let this all go . Not for them - I 'm not sure they really care since they obviously think I was the one that was wrong - but for me , for my kids , for Rachel . . . I need to because God forgave me . She finally got my card to work . . . " oh wait , can I add one more thing ? " I placed the rock on the counter and felt my heart take a big step towards God . . . . Towards believing . . . . He is faithful . And because He is faithful , I can forgive and know that He has it all under control . He won 't let my enemies triumph over me . { I also feel like I should apologize for dragging you all through that junk with me . . . especially at Christmas . I know many of you will tell me you don 't mind walking through that stuff with me , but I really don 't want you to feel ' icky ' too as we celebrate the birth of our Savior . I 'm sorry : o ( Thank you for loving me just as I am though . And sorry " Ms J " for lashing back in anger and with sarcasm . . . to avoid any more hurt , I won 't open any more emails from you } He is ever reminding me that He is in every single detail - and once again bringing me back to the very lesson I learned through my sweet Rachel . . . there is blessing in humble obedience . How is he faithful to me ? He is always with me , patiently teaching me how to obey and leading me . . . He is with Rachel . . . He makes all things new . And as He revealed this to my heart , I could see that while I was busy trying to find something in that store to make Rachel 's grave look prettier . . . . He was busy trying to show me that He already had a ' solution for her grave ' . . . . Him . He made her new . I can trust Him . OK , and here 's one for you . . . I just looked up the verse we buried Rachel with so I could post it . Desirae had only written " I make all things new " on Rachel 's drawing - I didn 't remember the rest , but check out the end of this verse . . . . I mean , seriously , you think He 's trying to get a point across ? Today is the day I was due with our 3rd baby who we lost to miscarriage . I miscarried at 8 weeks along in May , just a few days before Mother 's Day . It was horrible pain . And even though I 'm no longer in a place where I cry over that baby , last night I felt the disappointment of that loss heavy on my heart . Even 4 years later . I had mentioned to Matt that tomorrow was my due date with that baby . . . He stopped to listen . I looked up at the picture of Rachel hanging on the wall above me . . . " I guess December just wasn 't my month " I said as I started crying . I think this is what my doctor was talking about a while back when he asked me if I had forgiven myself for having a baby with Anencephaly . The truth is that I feel like I failed both of my sweet December babies . And I just want them back . For Rachel 's birthday , my friend Lisa made up these cards to hand out to people that she blessed with a Random Act of Kindness ( RAOK ) in Rachel 's memory . Then a couple of days ago , my friend Nat ( Sweet Sebastian 's Mama - see link on side ) from Australia sent me an email asking us to do a RAOK in Seb 's memory for Christmas . She asked everyone to email or mail her what they did and / or a letter to her family or to Seb and they are going to put them all in his stocking and then read them together on Christmas morning . Here 's his , if you can find a moment to bless someone in his memory too . I love this idea but didn 't think I had time before Christmas to do it . However , then it dawned on me , that even one RAOK in Rachel 's memory would be better than none - and so I 'm asking you ( feel free to ignore this Ms . J or her supporters - cause here comes another ' request ' ) to join me in this . Print up the card above and keep it on you . Then , sometime over this next week , take a moment to help someone else . . . . lift something heavy for an elderly woman , let a busy mom with young kids go in front of you in the check out , pay for the person behind you to go through the toll . . . . and when you do , hand them the card with Rachel ( or Sebastian 's ) name on it - and if you 're comfortable and time permits , tell them about her and our God who created her . Then comment here , or email my home address if you have it ( NOT my blog email address cause I 'm not checking that one right now ) or , dare I say it . . . send a card or a note . . . with what you did for someone else with her in your heart and we 'll print them , put them in her stocking and read how she continues to touch people this Christmas season . I 've officially started my second year of Friday 's at Rachel 's grave . I can 't believe it 's been this long . I pulled up today with a few more decorations for Christmas and ornaments for her tree - and everything I put there on Sunday looked bad . The lights had started to fall onto the front of her stone and her tree was tipping over . The wind was blowing so hard today that everything I tried to set up , failed . I 'll have to go back tomorrow better prepared with rocks and floral wire in hand . I hate that I 'm learning the tricks of this trade . . . I thought having her stone in this year was going to take the sting out of trying to make her spot look pretty in the winter . No such luck . It still stings . Was I ignorant enough to think that a stone was going to make this hurt less ? Yes , yes I was . Some times ignorance is bliss . As I was driving over there this morning , I was talking to my friend Louise on the phone when I had one of those " do I have everyone with me ? " scares . I looked in the rear view mirror and counted . . . 1 - 2 - 3 . . . and Desirae is at Art . . . . My mind drifted to thoughts of this happening multiple times in the past 2 weeks as I have ventured out more and more with all 4 of them . I 've even had to ask Desirae " do we have everyone " because I count and feel like I 'm miscounting . Four kids should feel like a lot , why does it feel like I 'm skipping a number ? Last night I tried to get caught up on my blog emails . . . . I apologize if you 've sent me one and I haven 't responded yet , I will , I promise - at this point it won 't be till after Christmas . Things are very busy around here and I need to guard my heart and mind . So , I went back & forth over whether or not to share this because - I 'm going to be honest - I think this lady , we 'll call her " Ms . J " , is actually going to get a kick out of the fact that I 'm talking about it . I could be wrong . . . { shrug } So she sent this to me on Rachel 's birthday . . . no doubt she was well aware of her timing . ( sorry , am I not supposed to judge motives . . . oops ) The subject line is " Thinking of you . . . . " and the first paragraph is all about how she can 't begin to understand the kind of pain I feel after losing Rachel . ( she 's right on that ) Then she goes into this . . . . " I 've noticed over the past several months that your increasingly negative blog posts tend to highlight the wrong or " faults " of others because they might not respond with just the right words . At other times I 've noticed general negativity surrounding your lack of blog readers / followers or implying the lack of financial / physical support expected for your family . I must admit what many others may have not said to you before now . . . . your blog entries imply that you don 't appear grateful for the abundance of support you have been given . I use the word " imply " and " appear " because I truly don 't believe you are ungrateful , I just think it comes across that way at least until you receive a large shipment of gifts or cards . I don 't believe judging people 's responses to a clearly impossible situation makes for a positive resolution , nor does complaining about the lack of readers following your blog . People cant be expected to have all the perfect words or be able to offer their unlimited support . I understand it must be difficult to hear that some people have moved on from your blog but it also should be humbling that so many peoples lives were ultimately touched by Rachel 's legacy in the first place . Which I believe was the sole intent of your blog from the beginning . I know you are familiar with the saying , " Life is not measured by how many breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away " . Well the same goes for loving support and prayer . Its not measured by the physical gifts we receive but with the sincere love and prayers we are given . Thinking of you always and hoping you receive this email graciously and that it gives you the strength to humbly accept EACH of the " gifts " you have been given in this life . " My response to her , which I honestly question if she even is who she says she is . . . ( yep , had that one happen before too ) was brief and I basically just said I thought her words were unnecessary and linked two of my blog posts for her to review . . . From August and From May . But today , her words are still bothering me . . . and although she thinks she can tell me what my " sole intent of my blog from the beginning " is - which by the way , is for me to decide - the purpose of this blog as of now is for me to have a space where I can lay down my burdens and the people who love me will come along side of me and HELP ME CARRY THEM - if just through prayer and encouragement . And referred repeatedly to the " financial and physical support " that I " expect " for my family , as well as the " lack of readers " I have , I 'm going to address these two things . I have never expected anything from people I know through my blog . I have been very fortunate to meet some of my very best friends through my journey with Rachel and my blog and yes , through their offers - not my requests - to help me in my time of need . I have cried tears of gratitude a million times in the past year and a half over unexpected blessings both financial and physical from my friends , family , church family , and blog readers . Rachel 's birthday was an example of that . Not because I received the " large shipment of gifts and cards " as " Ms . J " suggests , although my girl getting birthday cards was huge for my heart ( is that wrong ? ) . . . but it was because I pulled into the cemetery and saw the cars lined up all over the place . It is the presence of my God , my friends , family , church family and blog readers that lifts my heart in my weakest moments . Hugs . . . I love hugs . . . I didn 't know what to expect for people that day since I did an open invite on my blog - and I was blown away . The same is true of the gift cards for the pregnant woman . " People cant be expected to have all the perfect words or be able to offer their unlimited support . " If you read back to the very beginning of my blog and went all the way through , you will see that I have never expected anyone to have all the right words . I 've actually repeatedly told people that there aren 't any . The only thing I have ever asked is that if I let you know that something bothers me , just please be receptive to that . If that is too much to ask , that says more about the people who feel they have so much to offer in their words than it says about me and quite honestly , that 's PRIDE . People hurt me daily with their words , usually unintentionally - sometimes with their lack of words or thought . I offer the grace that has been freely given to me by God every single day . ( the fact that anyone would think I don 't based on a few " negative blog posts " shows that they don 't have any idea what this journey has actually entailed for me ) Am I too sensitive ? Probably . But I do believe that there are times when my experiences and my pain can serve as a way for people to learn how to support their loved ones through a loss . I don 't blog it all - the things I have blogged were always because I have tried to tell that person how I feel and they have refused to look at it . Those are the times when my heart is ripped apart . . . and back to MY purpose for this blog . . . I dump it here . And people with compassion , pray for me and write to me and encourage me . In case you 're not aware , YOU don 't need to read MY blog . Nobody forces you to come here . You can go find something else to read , and someone else to criticize if you don 't like what I write - and especially if you feel that I am asking too much of people . This is not the place for you . My trial is not over and you are bound to see a few negative posts , sorry to be the bearer of bad news . . . . but again , I can 't avoid the harsh emails because they come to me . . . so please remember you make a choice to read this that I don 't get that luxury of making in emails I get - so if you don 't have anything nice to say , don 't email me . I welcome constructive exhortation from people who have a clue where I 'm at , who I am and love me . . . but I still prefer that to be in person , thanks . Here 's another one of MY purposes for this blog . . . to let other grieving mothers know they are not alone or crazy for feeling some of these same things , for struggling with these same things . If you think it 's just people I talk to that say insensitive things or are let down by family & friends , it 's not . . . hurting mothers EVERYWHERE have to endure " knowledgeable " people and distant & self - centered family constantly . They do the same thing I do , go away and cry alone . But I refuse to let them think they are alone . Obviously " Ms . J " hasn 't lost a child - and obviously she hasn 't read the comments from other mothers who are thankful for my willingness to share the hard topics . But that 's right , I forgot , the " sole purpose " for this blog is for me to be " humbled by how many people were touched by Rachel 's life in the first place " - which by the way , I am . Pretty sure I 've said that a thousand times . But let 's get one thing straight . . . . don 't throw my daughter 's name around as if she isn 't my own flesh & blood or feel you need to remind ME of how precious her life was or like you just came up with the idea that how God has used her " should " humble me . Have you read anything I 've written ? Or does Ms . Positive just like to focus on the negative ? ? ( and I 'm sarcastic too . . . bad Stacy ) People are still being touched by her life , even in all my imperfection . I ' M leaving her legacy . It 's my story of my love for her and pain in the loss of her and God 's provision ( at times through His people ! ! ) along the way . But I have never twisted anyone 's arm to be a part of this . They do it because they happen to believe in what I 'm doing in her memory for other people . " Ms . J " is acting as if I kept the gift cards for myself . " I 'm only happy when a ' large shipment of cards come in ' ? " that 's right I was happy , are you kidding ? ? Because of those cards , I was able to bless two mothers ( and counting ) in Rachel 's memory . I shared my story with them - her legacy - and about our Great God . Of course that makes me happy . Not because I 'm money hAnd as far as my expectations with " physical support " - I 'm not sure exactly what fits under this category ? ? The only thing I expect physically is that our family shows up . . . and THAT " Ms . J " is yet again , something you don 't know about . . . . For well over a year ( until very recently ) , any time our families have let us down , I have generalized so as not to single anyone out . But the truth is , I 'm referring to a select few people who ABSOLUTELY should be offering us " unlimited support " . If expecting my own family and Matt 's own family to acknowledge their granddaughter or niece 's birthday - if even just to say " hey , I know things are tough right now " ( or maybe call once in a while and ask how we 're doing ) is expecting " unlimited support " and wrong - well then , you got me . I expect too much and am totally unfair . If hoping that the same people , who were laying over Rachel 's casket last December 9th at the cemetery dramatically crying like they had lost their own child , show up or send a card a year later on her anniversary " implies that I don 't appear grateful for the abundance of support I have been given . " by others - well , all I can say is that looks aren 't everything . the people who know me , know that 's not true . But see , yet again , you assumed you knew what I was talking about when you didn 't . You know what they say happens when you assume , don 't you ? On the topic of " lack of readers " - I 'm not lacking readers . . . There are close to 300 people every day " reading . " When I speak , or " complain " as " Ms J " calls it , of people not reading my blog , I 'm not talking about the people across the country who I don 't know . . . or even people I do know who are moving on , although that does hurt more . I 'm not stupid , I know that people are not going to read my day to day life forever . But see , " Ms . J " wasn 't around to hear my dad say he didn 't read it because " it was too hard for him " or my MIL say she didn 't read it because " it 's all about Stacy and the baby " while I was STILL pregnant with Rachel . ( there you have it , do you feel better about my desire yet ? Does that make sense to you ? Is that an acceptable reason to be hurt , Ms . J ? ) Hello ? ? Do you seriously think I 'm just looking for a big audience ? Give me a break . The only other thing that drives me crazy is when people stop reading and then expect me to fill them in on " how I 'm feeling " only to debate with me why that 's wrong . With my blog , they know where I 'm at without me having to explain and then endure their input since , like " Ms . J " most people think I simply can 't survive if they don 't fill me in on the " correct " way to look at things . " I know you are familiar with the saying , " Life is not measured by how many breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away " . Well the same goes for loving support and prayer . Its not measured by the physical gifts we receive but with the sincere love and prayers we are given . " I have to wonder . . . is she insinuating that somehow I am putting physical gifts at the same level of importance as my baby BREATHING ? Yes , I 'm " aware of the saying " not sure how that ties in with your attempt at calling me ungrateful and negative . I 've heard it all now . . . wow . Listen " Ms . J " . . . and anyone who agrees with her opinion of me . . . please don 't do me any favors . . . . I will not be heartbroken if I don 't see that extra number on my daily readers count , if I don 't ever get a card or gift from you , if you never offer to come help me , and I certainly won 't mind never getting another email from you - and you can actually stop offering me your " sincere love and prayers " cause your sincerity is mean and has caused me more hurt and my guess is that you don 't care because you think you 're right and you probably don 't actually pray for me - but it does sound real nice , doesn 't it ? Oooh , this one is good : Let me just make sure that there is no confusion here . . . this email didn 't give me " strength " to humbly accept anything . This email was pretty much useless . ( oh gosh , I 'm receiving this so ungraciously , aren 't I ? ) I 'm sorry , " Ms . J " but I 'm going to be blunt . . . You are full of yourself to think that YOU need to clarify to ME that " gifts " aren 't just gift cards . Remember me , I 'm the one who carried my baby until she DIED IN MY ARMS . I am well aware what my " gifts " are and your " sincere love " isn 't one of them . " I don 't believe judging people 's responses to a clearly impossible situation makes for a positive resolution " Well , ain 't that the pot calling the kettle black . I suppose you don 't think that 's exactly what you 're doing to me ? I guess if I added " I 'm not judging you " before I wrote my judgement , like you did , it would be completely different ? The kids & I decorated the tree tonight . . . we made sugar cookies and had them with egg nog while we put the ornaments on . It was a nice end to a crazy day , with 2 doctor 's appt 's , a dentist appt , gym class and groceries - and nursing every 2 hours on the dot . . . . I am glad to finally be sitting and to have my sweet baby boy asleep on my lap . I love this kid . ( funny side note , Asa totally peed all over the place at his appt today - this boy can pee . . . it went half way across the room , on me , the floor and all over the mat they had him on . The kids thought it was hilarious ! ) As we pulled out the ornaments , Rachel was everywhere . You all sent so many precious ornaments last year since she had just died and her due date was the 25th . I 've had many of them hanging around my house all year as decor , but it was nice to have her remain such a big part of our family during our favorite holiday . I also decided to change up the stuff on top of her hope chest . . . Harlee gave me this candle holder for Rachel 's birthday - it says : Loved you yesterday , Love you still , Always have and Always will . The willow tree is the " blessings " figurine and the sleigh , which has beautiful pink and white pearls on it was something I got last year as a gift for Rachel ( I can 't believe this , but I cannot remember where I got this , so if it was from you , please remind me ! ) I put all these things around the picture I have up of Rachel 's feet in my hands , in Matt 's hand and our wedding rings around her toes . It wasn 't until I looked at the picture on my camera that I noticed the reflection of the candles in our picture . . . . There is a light reflecting from the candles in the palm of each of our hands . Two things immediately came to mind . On our wedding favors , we had the verse from Matthew 5 : 16 : There is not a single day that goes by that I don 't share about my little light with someone . I tell people everywhere I go , in everything I do of the precious baby girl I was blessed to spend 9 months and 43 minutes with . And I 'm convinced when I share my heart with these complete strangers . . . . they see her light shining in it . Last Christmas eve I brought Rachel a little Christmas tree . The lights on it were battery operated and when I showed up on Christmas night ( the day she was due ) , not only were they not working anymore but the battery pack was frozen into the ground . I stood there in the pitch black , still healing from my c - section , trying to chip away at the frozen dirt so I could replace the batteries and sobbing . It was so heart wrenching . . . . This year , I determined that she would not spend the winter - and especially Christmas - in the dark ( as if there is any dark at all where she is ! ) and ordered solar powered Christmas lights . I ordered two sets and me & my friend Kim went out for the afternoon to decorate Rachel 's grave and her sister 's grave together . For as much as that may sound like a less than desirable way to spend the day , I was glad to have someone to go with who understood . I do so much cemetery stuff alone . Sometimes that is good for me and sometimes it 's really hard . ( pictures coming soon ! ) I was getting ready to go and decided to check my email . My good friend 's daughter was born 3 weeks after Rachel and there it was . . . . her first birthday party invitation . We had talked about these types of moments while we were both still pregnant and I 'm so thankful that we have the kind of relationship where we can be open with each other . I knew moments like this would happen . . . . the ones that made me remember that Rachel wouldn 't still be that little baby I see in the photos all over my house - she would be growing . . . she would be a 1 year old . Sounds obvious , but on the days when it feels like she just died yesterday , it 's easy to forget that she would probably be walking by now . When I came home last night , I opened it . The idea of going to her birthday actually doesn 't bother me . I 'm really kind of excited about it . She is such a precious girl , just like her mama and I 'm glad to be able to celebrate her turning one . Here is where the ' problem ' arose . . . Even still , sometimes this all seems like it can 't be real . And when I hear myself struggling so much over something that should be so simple , reality feels so harsh . I looked at the other rsvp 's . . . 2 adults , 1 kid . . . 2 adults 2 kids . . . I wondered how long it took them to figure out what to enter in that box . 2 seconds ? I wanted the answer to be simple . I wanted to be able to just enter how many kids I have - and that I would be bringing them all . Or just to feel fine writing I 'd be bringing 4 . But I couldn 't do it . I so wished there was a way to type in " I have 5 , but can only bring 4 " . . . but the space only allowed for a one number answer . I felt wrong writing 4 and stupid writing 5 since after all , I wasn 't bringing 5 and everyone knows that an rsvp is all about who is going to the party , not who you wish you could bring . I tried to come up with some witty reply I could write in the comment section if I was to write 5 . . . how does " only 2 of them will be eating cake " sound ? I stared at the blinking cursor some more . At this point Matt was standing beside me with his hand on my shoulder as I cried and fought with myself over typing 4 or 5 . I remember when we had Rachel 's baby shower people were so unsure of what to get for a card . She was still alive then and I got a bunch of sympathy cards . We were calling it her " Celebration of Life " party so sympathy seemed a bit premature - although I totally get why people would go that route . I was so thankful for the people who bought regular old baby shower cards . . . you know , the kind you get when you 're about to have a baby you can keep . . . . Nothing hurt more than when my sister - in - law came up to me and told me she " put a check in the basket because there were no cards for this " as she shook her head and stuck her tongue out like she just ate something that tasted bad . ( we were asking for donations for Rachel 's memorial playground at her shower and were blessed with $ 1600 that day ! ) But money was supposed to be the added blessing - not the purpose - of the day . The purpose was to acknowledge the life inside me and celebrate her . I wanted to say , " try a blank one . . . a baby shower one . . . a congratulations on your baby girl . . . . there are lots of options " but I decided to be " polite " and nod and smile as if I actually agreed - and then I felt guilty that I didn 't stand up for my girl better . Immediately following Rachel 's funeral ( two days later ! ) I started getting Christmas cards that mentioned nothing of our loss . . . . we were " moving on " . . . . next in line ? Christmas . yeah , let 's talk about Christmas . . . . Hallmark has cards for that . . . . ( and you may even find Jesus in some of them ! ) First , before I get into this , I want you all to know that I am NOT writing this to make anyone feel bad , to put anyone down or make you feel like you have to run out and buy a card - or apologize to me for saying Hallmark failed here . PLEASE believe me when I say that . And PLEASE do not go send me a card or make me endure an uncomfortable apology because you feel guilty . That 's not what I am looking for or desire . I am writing this post because I know that this won 't be the last time that there is a situation in the life of someone you love that Hallmark doesn 't say perfectly - especially when a child dies . And because being on the receiving end can be so painful even when the motivation is pure . I 'm hoping by sharing this , you will be able to love others better through their trials . But let me be honest about how the statement that Hallmark doesn 't make cards for " this " makes me feel . . . . It feels lonely . It feels like my reality and Rachel 's life ( or the way I 'm celebrating / grieving ) is too unusual for words . It feels like an excuse to not put effort into it . It shows me your complete discomfort around the topic of my baby . It 's discouraging , disappointing and leaves me feeling like Rachel isn 't loved . It feels like you would be happier if we just didn 't talk about her any more and we could move on . . . . Christmas anyone ? ? And I understand that those are just feelings but I 'm just being honest . So , I 've compiled some examples of my favorite cards to help in this admittedly awkward thing to maneuver through . Let 's start with one I got from Harlee on August 4th ( anniversary of Rachel 's diagnosis ) And then she wrote about how she remembered talking to me the night I got Rachel 's diagnosis and how , while she was scared and sad and upset . . . . I still had hope . That is something I would not remember about that night , if she didn 't dare to share it with me . I 'll admit , this card gets 5stars , but what she wrote in it meant more . She took the chance of reminding me about my pain ( you know that I don 't need reminding , I always remember it all by myself . . . so don 't be afraid you 're going to remind someone about their loss ! They haven 't forgotten and are glad to know you haven 't either ! ! ) and she let me know that she was remembering that hard day with me and that she thinks I 've done good for my girl . It doesn 't say Happy Birthday . It doesn 't say sorry your daughter died . It doesn 't say " be happy " . It says I love you just the way you are . . . exactly where you 're at . . . and I 'm here for you through it all - for as long as it takes . Oh , and even though it is hard for her , it doesn 't say " I lost a baby too , this is just as hard for me too you know , you should be supporting me too " - Oh yeah , that 's what the other side of the family says and thinks ; they lost a baby too . . . the ones who didn 't bother to send cards or even call - except the one who called on her bday and never mentioned it - cause they forgot all about her day - but it was SO hard for them , exactly like my pain for sure - I can tell . sorry , sarcasm . . . and yes , they actually think that and have said that , even recently . They can 't be here for us cause they 're too concerned with how her death and our grief affects them . ( which is how ? since they don 't even think about her on her birthday / day she died ? ) this is what I refer to as diarrhea of the mouth . shut up Stacy . ( insert smiley face with foot in mouth here ) Then we have the others that although they don 't make Rachel 's death about them , they refuse to acknowledge our loss at all . Truth is , I hide behind sarcasm or anger where this topic is concerned - but what I really am is hurt and even though I 've tried to address my hurt with them , they don 't care . So anyway . . . totally getting sidetracked here and not making any friends . . . more comfortable topic . . . Next card . . . No , it 's not a birthday card , but it recognizes that she LIVED and that we miss her . On the inside she crossed off sympathy and put " thoughts and prayers " and then she crossed off " during this sad time " and left it like that . LOVE it . The next one was from the place that we got Rachel 's casket . This place was amazing . . . caskets hand made by monks who pray over it while carving it and for every casket that someone is buried in , they plant a tree as a memorial for that person . . . including Rachel . But seriously , even they sent a card - not our parents , but hey at least the monks care . Fr . Kenneth wrote : Dear Stacy , I LOVE that last line . . . THEY REMAIN with us in faith and prayer . A year later . . . they remain . Not our parents or the majority of our families . . . but we 've always got the monks in Iowa . This is what I mean about how thankful I am for all of you . We got so many cards , emails , messages from all over the country . Your support helps me more than you 'll ever know And this one . . . . blank . When Hallmark doesn 't make a card that " works for this " , go blank . Share your heart . Tell them you 're thinking of them and praying for them . Sign your name . Something . Anything . ( preferrably focusing on them - just sayin ' ) But if you absolutely hate blank cards and prefer for Hallmark to do the writing , PLEASE don 't tell them that you went without a card because their situation wasn 't under one of the usual categories in the card isle . Stacy , How can it be a year since your sweet Rachel was in your arms ? Happy Birthday to your little princess . . . you love well Stacy and I know your heart is bursting with so many different emotions as you hold your Asa and grieve Rachel at the same time . Be gentle with yourself during this season and don 't be afraid to borrow hope from those around you . I will be looking for pink balloons in the Colorado Sky on Saturday . . . I will be praying for your heart to be comforted with each breath you take . May you be surrounded with amazing peace and sweet friends who love you and your family so much . Sending love , L . This one paragraph said Happy Birthday to Rachel , acknowledges that it would be a hard day , showed me that she is walking the journey along with me since she knew details from my blog , said it was ok to take it easy and not expect too much of myself right now and encouraged me all at the same time . No , Hallmark didn 't write it . . . . but she didn 't choose to say nothing because what she wanted to say wasn 't already in print with a $ 4 price tag . I might also add that this is not a person I have talked to before , she is a fellow baby loss mama who follows my blog and has been a big support through this entire journey . Ok and for those of you who hate blank cards . . . or have no words to write in one . . there is always the option of buying a card like this : These are just a few of some very nice cards I got last week . I guess what I hope to get across here is that life doesn 't always follow Hallmark 's idea of how things will go . And when it doesn 't , the people who find themselves in a " this " situation still need to know that somebody cares . . . . that they aren 't alone . And if you go to the card isle and after looking around decide that there is in fact " no card for this " , please just keep that to yourself and give your loved one a big hug and tell them you care . That 's all . I understand they don 't make a card that says " Happy Birthday to your dead baby " but there are many other ways to say " I know it 's your daughter 's first birthday and I 'm praying for you since she isn 't with you and that hurts your heart " You just have to think outside the box and be willing to step out of your comfort zone in order to comfort the one who 's hurting , without expecting to be able to fix them - and knowing that 's okay . Asa had another breath holding scare this morning , so I had to rearrange my entire day to bring him to the doctors . They think he is fine , but have referred us to a cardiologist to check his heart murmur , mostly to relieve my fears . As the topic of discussion changed from Asa , to me and my anxiety , I started crying . She is really supportive and encouraged me to bring him in as often as I need to in order to get peace of mind , reassuring me that she doesn 't think I 'm crazy , but she doesn 't want me to lose sleep over my fears because of Rachel . ( LOVE that she calls her Rachel and not a " situation " ) I decided not to tell her the part where I sat up until 2 : 30 staring at him last night convinced he was going to die in his sleep . . . . I wish it was as easy as saying I 'm going to choose to think positive - but right now , that 's just not where I am at . I am scared that he won 't stay with me . Last night I had to just turn it over to God and as I closed my eyes , I begged him to let me keep him . And for today , He did . As I walked down the hall to leave the doctors , the song by Sarah McLachlan " I will remember you " was playing . . . I heard the lyrics and my tears started again . I couldn 't separate whether I was crying over Rachel or my fears about having Asa taken from me - both rip my heart apart . They tend to intertwine . It was so hard to have to bring Asa to the doctor on the same day Rachel was buried . It 's a lot at once for this hurting , tired heart of mine . I 'm so tired but I can 't sleep Standin ' on the edge of something much to deep It 's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a wordWe are screaming inside , but we can 't be heard I 'm so afraid to love you But more afraid to lose Clinging to a past that doesn 't let me choose Once there was a darkness Deep and endless night You gave me everything you had , oh you gave me life I will remember you , will you remember me ? Don 't let your life pass you by Weep not for the memories I left there crying and cried the whole way to Options for Women . . . and as I was walking in , baby in hand . . . I fell down - again . I came through their door all upset , crying " I can 't even walk ! " And they do what they do best . . . loved this woman : o ) thanks girls . But the reason I was at Options was because all of you were so unbelievably generous for Rachel 's Birthday , that we received $ 843 in gift cards ! And yes , that number ends in $ 43 because someone sent a card in the amount of $ 43 , which was so thoughtful . ( you didn 't tell me your name , which I would like to know ! ! ) So , not only was I able to get the girl I told you about everything she still needed , but I also sponsored another girl through Options . She is a young , hard working mother due in January . AND I have money left over to sponsor another person , but God hasn 't shown me who that is yet so I will hold onto it until He does and I 'll let you know ! Thank you for making this all possible . You are such a blessing . I knew this day would be hard and so I planned to donate these gifts today . There is only one way to help my heavy heart on days like this , and that is to do something for my girl . Rachel Alice Aube gave me an intense desire to do things to bless others in her memory . She is my gift who keeps me giving . And so today , I went down and ate lunch at her grave . . . . just me & Asa ( mom was babysitting so that I could go to his appt alone ) . . . brought her some fresh flowers and cried as I remembered standing there one year ago today as we said goodbye . Then I went to Asa 's appt and then to Options . We filled a bassinet that they donated towards this with over $ 500 in clothes ( a few each of size newborn to 12 months ! ! ) , diapers , wipes , blankets , sheets , toys , towels , etc ! I even got the mom and big sister a little something to encourage them . Along the way , I was able to share Rachel 's story and all your love for her with the cashiers who wondered why I was buying so much stuff : o ) and I wrote the mom a letter as well . I wish the picture showed how much is actually in this , but it doesn 't do it justice ! My original plan for the day had to be changed because of Asa 's appt , and so ironically , I ended up at Rachel 's grave at just before 1pm - the same time we were there last year - and I got back home around 4pm - the same time I got home after our gathering last year . The timing was hard , so many things reminding me , even the weather . And so I sit here tonight , I 'll admit , in a much better place than I was last year on this night - and at the same time , I had no idea it would still hurt this much a year later . Tonight , I would still like to go get her and bring her home . . . . but it 's not quite so hard to get my body to stay here . So , I guess that 's progress . Thank you for a year of wiping my tears and crying along with me . I am so thankful for all of you . I don 't know how I would have gotten through some of these last 365 days without you . Your encouragement , your prayers , your support of all my projects for Rachel : o ) - thank you for loving me through this - for walking this journey with me and being a part of Sweet Baby Rachel 's Legacy . Some day we will know the extent to which she truly changed hearts for God 's kingdom . I 'm honored to be her mama and humbled that so many people still care . thank you ♥ Tough night tonight . should be sleeping , but my mind won 't shut off . My heart is so heavy . Tomorrow ( today ) is a year since we buried my girl . And it 's also a Friday . I 'll need extra prayers to get through this day . This day , unlike her birthday , holds nothing but deep sorrow and heart wrenching pain in my memory . Her service was beautiful and I made it through the day alive , but that night I had to force myself to stay home . . . I just wanted to go back and dig her up . It felt so wrong to put my baby in the ground . I filled in the funeral home book like it was a baby book , obsessing over every detail as if she would someday read it . And I cried all night long . And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God . Not only so , but we also rejoice in our sufferings , because we know that suffering produces perseverance ; perseverance , character ; and character , hope . And hope does not disappoint us , because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit , whom He has given us . |
Last weekend , my sweet youngest boy was confirmed . Here is our group after church . My sister - in - laws and my husband , kids and I . It was a great day and my sweet boy looked so handsome . I am taking care of a woman who has cancer . We knew each other in a different stage of our lives . She is starting to have more pain . Late last week , I called her to check on her . She told me she was hurting more and " we have to do something . " I did what I do , figured out what would help her and got the medications ordered . I decided that even though she was probably fine , I wanted to go see her . I went on Friday . I walked into her house and she was moving well . I sat at her table and looked at her . . . her eyes were a shiny blue and just twinkling . She had started the new medications the night before . " So you feel better today , huh ? " She said she did and we talked about the medications that she started , what they were supposed to do and her instructions . She then said , " I am so sorry for complaining , but I just couldn 't take it anymore . " I looked at her and then said the weirdest thing , " You are really good at this hospice thing . " She thanked me and asked me what I meant . " Well " , I said , " you are so strong and positive . You 've made your choices and while I sense you wish things were different , you seem so at peace with those choices . " She smiled at me and we talked about all kinds of other things . We talked about the events that lead to to this and the choices that she made . While we talked , I did my " nursey " things and then we were done . I got in my car and thought about the visit . How would I handle living with a diagnosis that could not have any treatment ? Would I be able to be so warm and loving and tolerant of people if I knew I was on my way out ? I don 't know for sure but I don 't think so . This woman is a hero , a person who is living well when things are not what she wants . Yesterday evening , my husband , son and I went to packing night for our trip to Nicaragua . We are going in June and I am the head of the medical team . My son and I packed the medications and dreamed of saving the world with ibuprofen , tylenol and antibiotics . I wish it was that easy . This morning , as I was waking up , my husband crawled back into bed and snuggled me . " What do you want to do today ? " he asked . " I want to be outside , in the dirt , planting and weeding and getting ready for summer . " So that is what we did . We cleaned off the patio , weeded , and got the grill ready . Spent the day outside doing things . It was good . When it was time for dinner , I threw brats and burgers on the grill and ate at the table . We talked about what we are thankful for while we sat and ate . We were all thankful for different things but thankful , nonetheless . After dinner , the teenagers picked up the guitars and ukelele and began to play in the livingroom . I came up to blog and heard them singing . Talk about feeling thankful . . . I am constantly humbled by the people I meet and get to care f r . I am learning every day that nothing is guarante d . Nothi g . As my husband says , " you could cross the street and get run over by a beer truc . " I in my case , it probably would be a white zinfandel wine truck . . . but you get the poi t . And , having the honor to care for this woman . . . the one who is " good " at hospice , at dying . . . that is humbli g . It is also a lesson in coura e . She makes good on every moment that she can . . . and is thankf l . " What 's the point of complaining " she said . . . " It 's a waste of my precious tim I am sitting in my office , my husband is doing Soduko and the dogs are farting . The room stinks . . . and I am still thankful . I am thankful for the usual . . . the stinky dogs , the husband that isn 't interested in me at all , the guitars in the living room . . . for not having to deal with the end of life today but of just regular life . That , my friends , are things to be thankful for . . . . It 's confirmation weekend in our house . My youngest is being confirmed or as we call the service , Affirmation of Baptism , tommorrow . I remember being confirmed in the catholic church . We had just moved to Hernando Beach and my mother didn 't have the patience to wait until my class at St . Teresa 's was being confirmed . She was sick of all of it . She took me to Tampa , I don 't go to the catholic church any more . I go to the Lutheran church . I decided , when I got married , that since my husband was a faithful churchgoer , we could go to his church . I wasn 't as tied to the catholic church as he was to the Lutheran church . We got married in Denver at Prince of Peace Lutheran Church . Since I was married in the Lutheran church , my mother said I wasn 't married " in the eyes of God " . Thanks mom ! Jim and I moved to the mountains and made it to church on Christmas and Easter for a couple of years . After the Queen was born , we have been an every Sunday family since then . Tommorrow is " Confirmation Sunday " at our church . I have been teaching 8th graders about finding their own faith for about 15 years . I took a year off when the Queen was in 8th grade because I felt like I was in the way . Later , she told me she wished I had taught her class too . This class of kids are amazing . They are smart , funny , silly and inquisitive . They all have really big hearts . They also know what is good , right and holy . Do they believe everything I told them ? I am sure they don 't . Sometimes , I have trouble believing everything that I profess to believe . But , they will continue to question . . . I know that for sure . They will ask the hard questions and find the answers they need to find . At the end of the day , I am sure the God that I believe in doesn 't mind the questions because we are seeking something beyond us . . . Tonight , we gather at church with the confirmands and their families and share a meal served to us by the other kids . They will set the tables and decorate the fellowship hall and then we will watch a slide show of how the kids have changed . They have spent three years in service to others , to each other and learning about using their gifts to look beyond themselves . They have done well . I get to make a speech and tell them how much they mean to me and what they have done to change my life . I hope they know I mean it . My youngest has a huge heart . Tommorrow , he will stand before the church and tell them what he thinks . . . what he thinks about God , faith , sevice and love . He wrote his speech without help from me . I think I know how he feels but I am curious to see what he says . Like I told him when he asked me what he should write , " This is your deal . . . not mine . You know what I think about God and faith and how much service means to me . . . it 's your life , your faith and your relationship with God . " Whatever he writes or says or thinks , my guess is that it will change over the years . He will figure out what is important in his life and who is important in his life as well . All I know is , whatever he comes up with , he knows what is good , right and holy and it may or may not be associated with a church . I also know that I am so proud of who he is right now and how he conducts his teenage life . My husband and I are on the rollercoaster and let 's just say , we are on the top of the big hill screaming . . . at each other . It 's been an interesting spring in the relationship arena and hopefully the rollercoaster will pull into the station and we will get off . Not that this is new to us , but we have been so good for such a long time . . . it feels really weird . Needless to say , I have been spending time thinking about relationships and real love . What is real love ? Is it the volitile love of a spouse after 20 years , or is that just surviving ? How do we know what we have is the real thing ? Today , I had the chance to witness what I consider " the real thing " . It wasn 't planned but it just was . . . the love between an older couple facing the near future without each other . I thought to myself . . . I am sure this is what enduring love is . I showed up at this lovely house in the mountains . . . decorated with lots of wall paper and color , antiques and knick naks . All in their place . . . sort of . When she answered the back door , I could see from the crease in her brow and the trembling chin that it hadn 't been a good night . " How are you today ? " I asked . . . she said " I 'm fine . . . just a long night . " Usually he meets me in the sitting room watching TV in his jeans , flannel shirt and hair combed back . Today , he was upstairs . . . in bed . I called up and he told me to come on up . . . he wasn 't quite ready to get up . He was sitting up on the bed , hair sticking straight up and I could tell , he was not feeling good . He is an unbelievable handsome man , older of course , but so handsome . And smart . . . sharp as a tac . He is totally aware and running the show . He is the boss of these last days and don 't let anyone stand in his way . " How are ya feeling today ? " I asked . " Good now , but I had terrible pain last night , different than I have had before . " We talked about his medication and how to take it , along with all my knowledge that I thought could help keep him comfortable . All the while , his wife stood at the end of the bed watching and holding back tears . She is a beautiful woman and they are devoted to each other . She has had some problems in the past and he stood by her , cared for her and loved her . She is now doing the same for him . I mentioned something about him being handsome and getting attention from her and she lit up and said , " He is the most wonderful man . . . he can have attention any time he wants . " Then he looked at her like she was an angel and this knowing look passed between them . He is fading . . . and he knows it . He is willing to try things that I suggest for comfort and he wants to talk to me about " following him through until the end . " " Of course " , I say . . . " It will be an honor to be with you and your girl . " And it will . . . . There is all kinds of love . I love food , drink . . . I love my kids and even my husband . I love to see my son marching on the field with the band or my other son behind the plate with his catcher gear on . But this love I experienced today . . . deep , rich and comforting . I can imagine that this love has endured much . They have had children , jobs , illness and pain . They have endured and have loved each other through it all . Now this love is enduring the march to death . . . to final separation . These two adore each other . When they talk about this illness . . . the future , they are strong but they both talk to me privately how they worry about each other . . . then they sigh , wipe the tears and accept . Today was love at it 's finest , in it 's most tender and pure definition . As pure as I have seen in life and now get to witness with the end of life . Love is patient , Love is kind . . . love is enduring , through sickness and in health . . . til death do us part . Just a quick addition to the week . . . our beloved Spot , the leopard gecko , passed away last Saturday . He is waiting in an evelope in the garage for us to have a proper burial . . . . We figured he was about 10ish . I wonder what that is in leopard gecko years ? Anyway , may he have all the live crickets in his final place of rest along with the love of a good companion . . . So along with our birthday party for my middle son , we will have a burial outside next to Shelly . The hole is ready , we just need to give him a proper send off . Plus , the garage is starting to have a strange smell . . . The phone rang at 6 : 15 this morning . . . it was the other baseball coach from the city wondering if it was sunny up here in the mountains . . . Yes . . . and it is gonna be cold . 6 : 15 . . . on Saturday . . . after the week I had . Thanks so much for calling and good luck . . . Not ! I have been living at what feels like , the speed of light . . . and my old , peri - pre - what the frick - brain can 't seem to catalog it all . I can 't find words . . . simple ones . The other day , Jim asked me , " Where is that meeting you are going to ? " I looked at him like he was stupid . . . " Its at . . . the restaurant " . . . " Which one ? " he said . " Oh , you know , the one by the , oh , you know the bridge , the gas station " . . . again , I look him like he is the stupid one , " THEY SERVE ITALIAN FOOD ! " " Oh , OK , you mean JJ Madwells ? " " Of course I say . " Come to find out , I missed the meeting totally . . . it was on a different night . Funny thing is , I have the nerve to look at Jim like he is the one with the word finding problems ! I haven 't had time to write . . . or , if I was to be honest . . . the energy to write . But , with my brain in the state that it is , I better start ! ! ! So here goes . . . Last weekend , I went to Canyon City for the Blossom Festival with my youngest . The 8th grade band and orchestra played . They sounded good and I would have some pictures but I FORGOT my camera . See what I mean ? Then we went to the Royal Gorge and spent the afternoon herding cats . . . no , I mean 8th graders that were given freedom . Needless to say , I came home and had a glass of wine and went to bed . Exhausted , old , swollen and sunburned . It was a great time . Really . . . Sunday was Mother 's day and the Queen is home from college until she goes to work at a camp . We went to church , then to the grocery store , where I had my eye on some lawn furniture . Jim and I walked by it , looked at it and I hinted and hinted that I liked it . " Yeah , we do need something for the patio " He said and then moved on and asked " and what else do we need from here ? " I finally said , " I want to buy this table and chairs for the patio . " " Ohhhh , you want that . . . Ok . . . Ok then , you do , then lets ask about it . . . " he said . We are getting better and better at communicating , huh ? We bought it and then brought it home . My youngest asked , " Is this a Mother 's day present or something for the family ? " " Of course , it 's mine and you guys can 't use it . . . what do you think ? " The typical " present " but at least it wasn 't a vacuum or something like that ! It had to be put together so the men of the family got to work . . . The group decided that a friendly game on whiffle ball in the driveway was the next fun thing to do for mother 's day . After about a 15 minute spirited discussion , read fight , throw down , yell at each other including Jim and I , in an effort to have family peace . . . we went outside . Here 's a few pictures from the effort . . . After a few minutes of making the rules which seemed to change when my oldest and his father decided , we started . The game lasted until I was drilled with the whiffle ball on third for the second time in my chest by my youngest . In my true . . . " It 's mother 's day and I should be able to do what I want " fashion , I started to cry and said " I 'm done " , walked off the field / driveway , and slammed the door to the house . I left them all shaking their heads at my fine acting skills . Maturity at its finest . But , in true Ritter fashion , we fought it out and had a great dinner that the Queen made and all was well . Monday came and went in a flash with visiting hospice patients , and a baseball game for the youngest . We met over there and watched him . I sat between my two omnipotent teenagers . . . and whenever I said something to cheer , I was told to be quiet . . . I mean , not in a disrespectful way but as if I didn 't know the rules of baseball and sons . I finally told them both off , not in " mean mother " way but in a " I 'm almost 47 years old and I can do whatever I want " way . It was like a comedy show on the bleachers . Anyway , my youngest caught an outstanding game and hit the ball as well . When he would jump up to threaten the runner on a base . . . my heart sang . . . because he was so cute . Wednesday was kick boxing , a doctors appointment for the Queen 's camp physical and shopping to get ready for camp . Let me just say , I hate shopping . I just do . Its not that I don 't want stuff but I just hate stuff . Its kind of a weird head thing about having too much and wanting stuff I don 't need but buying tons of stuff anyway . Regardless of my hate for shopping , we shopped . The Queen and I finished in time to go to church for my last confirmation class . My 8th graders were in rare form . I love them . So cool yet so uncool at the same time but aware of it . It has been a wonderful year with them and I am going to miss them . Thursday morning , I went to one more Hospice training . It was very different than what I have experienced in the past ( this is my third training ) . I left with a new look at what it must be like to be planning your death and saying good bye . I can 't even imagine really but I did learn alot about myself and what I would want the person taking care of me to be aware of . Hard but really good stuff to learn . Then it was Friday . I didn 't have a patient to visit until 1 so I decided to go to one of my favorite consulting jobs and do a little work . The woman who owns the house is from Indonesia and she is just a hoot . I got to the house and started to work , things looked great . As I was finishing up , in she comes . . . like a worldwind . . . her usual behavior . In her broken english . . . she says hello , comes and gives me a hug . Then she backs away , looks at me and says , " Oooohhh , Terry , you got fat ! " . . . There wasn 't anything I could do but laugh . " Yes , I have gotten fat , about 15 pounds " I say and " I hate it . " She keeps talking , " I can see it in your face . . . " At that point , I realized that was the perfect way to end this week and move on . Talk about just saying what is on your mind ! ! ! ! Yesterday was my middle childs 17th birthday . . . I cannot believe it . To write about him is a whole other post but I will say that he is a gem . He wasn 't home for his birthday so we will celebrate it later today . I have a cake in the oven and the decorations are almost taped up . I will try to take pictures this time . Time , time , time . . . My usual lecture includes such points as having 24 hours in a day . . . all of us and how we use it , etc , etc . My lectures seem to always come back and haunt me . . . the time one , the diet one , the eating good one , even the money one . But . . . usually I forget I did the lecture to so I start again . The lectures always sound so good to me like I am doing it for the first time . Not really . . . but , have I told you what a crazy week it has been ? We 'll tawk soon , I love you all , Terry My youngest son saved enough money for a Xbox360 . He saved almost 300 . 00 and wanted to buy one . Initially , I said no . " You don 't need one of those so you can sit on the couch all summer and work your thumbs " . . . but then , he got straight A 's . He didn 't even need me to harp on him to do his homework . . . he just did it . So , after that , I started to soften . I told him we could talk about it . Then I told him he needed to talk to his dad . The night came when he talked to his dad . We were laying in bed and he came in and asked . . . " Dad , I have enough money and I want to buy an Xbox 360 . Can I buy one ? " Immediately , Jim said no . He didn 't even flinch . . . no . . . no working your thumbs on the couch all summer . I looked at my son 's face and tears sprung to his eyes . He stood there and looked at me . My husband said to me , " Okay , honey , help me with this . . . be the voice of reason . " I looked at my boy and knew I was getting ready to buckle . . . I finally said , " He did get straight A 's without me bugging him , and he saved the money to buy . . . . " before I finished , Jim said , " OK , he can buy it . " Today , we went and bought the Xbox . . . my boy had it all organized and knew exactly what he wanted . We walked in , he went to the case and picked it out . Then , it was time to buy a game . We looked and looked and they all were rated " M " . " No way " , I said , " No killing games and no bad stuff . " Of course , there is no such thing as a video game that you don 't kill things or have naked people . . . so I am learning . We spent a long time looking . . . Finally , I started to read the back of the " M " rated video games . I found one with Zombies in it . . . and it was rated " M " . But . . . it only contains " Blood and Gore , Intense violence and language " . . . so I turned to the salesman and said , " Oh , we 'll take that one , we experience that every night at our house . " Plus . . . you only kill Zombies , its not real life . My oldest son let me know that in this particular Zombie game . . . I happen to sound exactly like the witch ! My son is ecstatic . . . he finally has a Xbox 360 . He bought it with his own money and is setting it up for some serious video games this weekend . I , of course , have set myself up to be the bad guy . . . the witch , if you will . But , I at times , I make a great witch . . . just ask my husband . Yesterday was one of those days . It was supposed to be cold and snowy but turned out to be cloudy and cool . After baseball , my youngest son went to a buddies house and my oldest son went to have dinner with his girl . Jim and I were going to be alone ! As I was driving back from the ball game , I called him on his cell phone and set up the night . " Guess what ? We are going to be home alone later . . . I have an idea . " " What do you have in mind " he asked . I could hear the anticipation in his voice . . . " Let 's get the tractor out and put rocks all around the dogs pen so they don 't run away and then while we are at it , let 's spread the horse manure and put out the grass seed on the front yard . " Not exactly the romantic night but when you gotta make hay when the sun shines or there is a chance of moisture . I got home and got ready to do some tractor driving . First , Jim drove the tractor around and he and I picked up boulders and rocks to put by the pen . We put the rocks on both sides of the fence so the dogs can try to dig under them but will never get out . Take that , you three mutts ! Then we got the rake , I found the grass seed and the wildflower mix and Jim brought me the first load of manure . It was old and black . . . perfect . My neighbor has a mule and a horse and when the corrals get full of horse poop , she just brings a load over and dumps it in our yard by the driveway . Yep . . . but oh , it makes for great soil after some time . Anyway , I raked the manure around the front yard , load after load , until about 12 tractor loads of manure were spread . I had a huge blister on my thumb and I was ready to be done . Then I got the seed spreader and mixed a nice batch of grass for high altitude and wildflowers and walked all over the front yard . I was very proud of myself . Jim and I came in , announced to each other that it was beer - thirty and I pulled out some left overs for dinner . That was about 6 : 30 . We ate , drank our beer and decided that we were grown ups and if we wanted to go upstairs and watch TV in bed . . . it is a free country . The Rockies were playing and before I knew it . . . I was dozing off to sleep . It was around 8 pm . In walks my son . . . calling for us from the kitchen . He walks upstairs and starts to laugh . . . " What is this , the old folks home ? It 's not even dark and you two are in bed ! " I thought to myself , he is right . . . we are so old . " By the way , Mom , you might be a redneck when a date for you and dad is driving the tractor and spreading manure . " He is oh so right and I didn 't know how to reply to because we are who we are . I woke up this morning to a blanket of clean , white snow . My manure and seed were getting the moisture to start off a good grow . I looked out the front door at my work and was so pleased . In about a month , there will be sprigs of green and maybe some bright colored wildflowers mixed through . . . |
I use the word " random " pretty loosely on this blog . My acts aren 't always random in the typical sense of the word , but rather in the way that teenage girls who love One Direction use it . As in , if you saw somebody hugging random people on the street , you 'd say " That 's so random . . . " or if you saw a person you didn 't know show up to a charity event , you 'd say " Who is this random over here ? " I 've gotten emails and messages from people critiquing me about not sticking to the traditional definition of the word , and while I will readily admit that some of my acts are planned out , most of the time they are chosen at random either when I wake up in the morning or when I see the opportunity . The reason that I bring up how random my acts are was because today 's is DEFINITELY not random at all . I had planned on doing this for months , I knew who I wanted to do it for , and hopefully , nothing random actually does happen in regards to it . So to anyone who was going to email entries from Webster 's dictionary , no need . I already know . On February 19th ( two days after Michael Jordan 's 59th birthday ) , I sat on a roof in the freezing cold . 5 months later , I joined a cross country walk in the blistering heat . I did both of these random acts because of and with Pastor Corey Brooks . For those that have just started reading this blog , Pastor Brooks lived on top of the roof of an abandoned , crime infested hotel for 90 days in order to raise the funds to have it torn down . Months later , he walked across the entire country to help raise funds in order to build a community center on the grounds of the old hotel . He did both of these crazy things because he is sick and tired of having to speak at the funerals of youth killed by gun violence here in Chicago . He has inspired a great number of people both here in Chicago and across the country , myself included . Since he has been someone who has been inspiring to me and my acts , and I feel so strongly about his mission to stop violence , I wanted to do something to raise money for his movement , Project H . O . O . D . On October 1st , I had a goal to raise $ 1000 for Project H . O . O . D . , but was unable to ( thank you to those of you that did donate though ! I will be giving the donations to Pastor Corey soon ) . So today , for my random act of kindness , I am throwing a benefit party to raise money for Project H . O . O . D . It is also a way to get many of the people who have been involved in 366 Random Acts together in the same place . I want to thank people , meet people for the first time , and share a beer with them . To anyone reading this blog right now : you are invited and so is anyone that you know . Please join us tonight from 7 - 10 at FatPour , 2005 W . Division here in Chicago . Enjoy a little Beastie Boys to get hyped . When I grow up , I want to be Santa Claus . I know that A . I am supposedly already grown up and B . the job is already fill , but a guy can have hope can 't he ? The biggest reason why I want to be Santa Claus ( outside of the free cookies ) is the fact that I really enjoy secretly giving gifts and surprising people . Since I am still a ways away from manning the North Pole , I decided to try to emulate Mr . Claus today for my random act . I spend almost all of my days in doctor 's offices for my job at ZocDoc ( yet another shameless plug ) , and usually they aren 't the most fun places to be for people . I guess I understand since most of the people in these offices are sick with one malady or another , but I wanted to try to change the mood and vibe of one office I stopped in . What better way to do that than with an impromptu drop in from a man who desperately wants to pretend to be Santa ? A woman was checking out from their doctor 's appointment when they stepped away from the desk for a moment . So today , for my random act of kindness , I secretly paid for a stranger 's co - pay . Instead of a gift under the tree , the woman received a " Paid For " receipt in her hand . I must now reward myself with cookies . One of the coolest and most unexpected aspects to this year has been the opportunity to meet with or interact with classrooms around the country . I try to oblige any request to speak to classes because one of my core beliefs is that if we are going to change the world , it has to start by making a positive impact on the next generation . It is extremely humbling to have the chance to talk about my story and the mission of 366 Random Acts , and I am still taken aback that people want to hear me speak ( although many of my friends say that I love the sound of my own voice ) . Whether it is going in person to speak to the kids at Kelly High School here in Chicago , or sending an email to the students at Challenger Intermediate School in Goddard , Kansas , I will do it . In late September , I received an email from Katie Netland , a school teacher at East Junior High in Mankato , Minnesota and she had a request for me . Mrs . Netland , a communications teacher for 7th and 8th graders at East Junior High , has started " Good People Friday " where she highlights generosity and kindness in the world so that her students can see how much of it is out there . She told me that each Friday , she spends 3 - 5 minutes on topics relating to kindness , and asked me if I would be interested in doing a random act for her by recording a video to show the kids . In the video , I would highlight the story of 366 Random Acts and challenge her students to perform their own kindness , be it once a day , once a week , once a quarter , whatever . So today , for my random act of kindness , I recorded a video and sent it over to Mrs . Netland so that she can show her students on an upcoming " Good People Friday . " And if any of the students from East Junior High are reading this , I expect my inbox ( 366RandomActs @ gmail . com ) to be flooded with random acts ! This picture came up in a random Google Search and made me laugh . Before I get into the random act , I want to remind everyone in the Chicagoland area ( or those that will be here this weekend ) , you are all invited to the 366 Random Acts party this Friday . The party will be at FatPour at 2005 W Division in Chicago , and a portion of each drink package ( packages are $ 35 ) will go towards Project H . O . O . D . You don 't have to pay for a package either . If you want to come hang out and have some fun , you are more than welcome ! It should be really cool . Speaking of really cool , the temperature here in Chicago has dropped to the point where my wife has started her annual " We have to move back to California " diatribes . When I left to go to work today , the wind hit me like a smack to the face , and I started thinking " Hmmm maybe she 's right . " I went back into my house and got a thicker coat , scarf , and gloves because I knew I was going to have to walk around in the cold . It is difficult to find the right balance between dressing warm and being overdressed , especially when I am going in and out of buildings . A quick aside : why haven 't malls figured out that they don 't have to have the heat cranked to 3000 degrees during winter months . When you go shopping , you always see people who are sweating even though they just came in from subzero temperatures . I appreciate a respite from the cold , but I don 't need to be cooked like a Christmas ham . I will now step off my soapbox . . . . Back to the act . I was walking around having just exited a really hot building , and found myself sweating . I am someone who , when they start to sweat just keeps sweating , so I was dreading my current situation . That is when I saw a man sitting under the EL tracks asking for change . I immediately thought back to Sunday , and how cold I was sitting on that street corner and wanted to help him out . So today , for my random act of kindness , I gave away my mittens to the man because his hands looked like they were freezing . I could always get another pair , but that man might not have had the same opportunity . Posted by Powerball is up to $ 425 million dollars , so I thought that I would swing by and buy a lottery ticket like millions of other people . Lottery madness is hilarious to me because people will buy a ticket when it gets up to hundreds of millions of dollars , but won 't be bothered with a " mere " $ 8 million jackpot . I guess I can 't really throw stones because I am definitely one of those people . I spend way too much time daydreaming what I would do with the money even though in my heart of hearts , I know I won 't win . However , it doesn 't hurt to dream a little . After taxes , I would take home about $ 194 million which is way more than I will ever need . The first thing I would do is give $ 1 million to my friend Matt to pay off a bet that we made in college ( I still can 't believe I didn 't know Mickey Rourke was in the Enrique Iglesias " Hero " video ) . I would then take at least $ 50 million dollars , find 50 different charities , and donate $ 1 million a piece . Then I would put a ton of money in savings for Isla , treat friends and family to a great trip ( possibly to space or at a minimum , Tahiti ) , build a cul - de - sac of houses so that my friends and family can all live near one another , and buy myself a championship belt , Batmobile , and a painting of the final scene from Rocky 3 . I will also always remember that the reason I was able to win was because of the " Take A Penny , Leave A Penny " jar at the 7 - 11 I went to . I rarely carry cash on me , but I had a bunch of change and wanted to use it to buy my lottery ticket ( unbeknownst to me before today , you can 't buy lottery tickets with a debit card ) . However , I only had a single and 97 cents on me . Luckily , there were like 10 cents worth of pennies in the jar , so I utilized it to get my ticket . When I got back to my car , I realized that I had a roll of pennies from a previous random act in my glove box . So today , for my random act of kindness , I took a penny and left 50 pennies for someone else to use . If I can 't be the one to win the lottery , maybe a person will use my pennies and buy me Posted by " You never really know a man until you understand things from his point of view , until you climb into his skin and walk around in it . " That quote is from the classic book " To Kill A Mockingbird " and it is what inspired my random act for today . I 've tried to do random acts to support the homeless throughout the year because I always imagine myself in that scenario and hold out hope that others would help if it was me . While I think I have a basic understanding of how rough life is for them , I didn 't think I could fully appreciate what they go through without experiencing it first hand . So today , for my random act of kindness , I walked in someone else 's shoes by posing as a homeless man on one of the busiest corners in the city . I would then give all of the money collected to a person in need . I am 6 ' 3 " and 200 lbs . , but today I felt no bigger than Isla . Hundreds upon hundreds of people walked by me without looking at or even acting as though I was invisible . People whispered about me as they walked by , and some even snickered at me . It actually got me pretty down and depressed . However , every once in a while , someone would come up to me , ask me how I was doing , and put something into my tattered pink Solo cup . Just having someone give me a quick smile and acknowledge my existence as a human being raised my spirits so much . One man came over and tried to give me half of a deep dish pizza , so I had to let him in on what I was doing . The one thing I kept noticing over and over again was that children kept asking their parents if they could give me something . Sometimes the parents obliged , sometimes they didn 't . A child saw a penny on the ground , picked it up , and rather than keep it , came over to put it in my cup . I told him to keep it for good luck . A lot of people stopped to read the above sign , and I truly think that people gave me change because I had that Aesop quote rather than asking for something . After a few hours , I noticed that I had collected nearly $ 20 , mostly because , unbeknownst to me , a person had put in a $ 10 bill wrapped in a $ 1 bill . Near the end of my time on the corner , a woman came up asking the dozens of people huddled there if they could spare any change for a meal . No one gave her the time of day , so I got up , walked over to her and told her she could take everything that had been donated to me that day . The looks on the people 's faces as they saw a " homeless " man give all of his money to another homeless person were unforgettable . My hope is that at least one person saw this exchange and put some thought into giving to others this holiday season . I know that many people don 't feel comfortable giving cash or change to homeless people because " they 'll spend it on booze and drugs . " However , the kindness comes in the act of giving . Whatever the person does with the money is on them . Ryan This morning , my family headed out like The Griswolds to pick out our Christmas tree . Rather than driving out to the middle of nowhere like in the movie , we instead went to Home Depot ( really traditional right ? ) . It only took us a few seconds to find the perfect tree for our house , and after a little bit of trimming , we got it in the car . Isla sat in the back seat with the tree and spent the whole car ride staring at it . She was probably plotting out which branches she would be stealing ornaments off of . She has become quite the hoarder / thief lately . We went through her toy wagon yesterday and found socks , wipes , a box of rice , a DVD , assorted dog toys , and a maternity book . I am sure there is stuff hidden all throughout the house that we think is lost , but is simply where Isla wants it . She just went down for a nap , but when she wakes up , she is going to help Lindsey and I decorate our Christmas tree . It is tradition for us to go pick out our tree early in the morning , and then spend the day decorating , watching football , and drinking mulled wine ( Don 't worry , Isla will have almond milk ) . Another tradition that is more my wife 's thing is baking delicious cookies that I spend all day nibbling on . That tradition is still happening , but today it won 't just be me sampling her baked goodness . In September , for one of my random acts , I washed a dog for the annual dog wash event put on by C . A . R . E . Animal Shelter in Evanston . I met a lot of great people that day , and have kept in contact with Karey , one of the most enthusiastic , enjoyable people I have met during my random acts . Karey let me know of a Holiday Faire fundraiser that the shelter was having where people could buy arts and crafts , participate in a silent auction , take your animal 's picture with Santa , and purchase assorted baked goods on their Cookie Walk . I mentioned to Karey that I would be more than happy to help , and that my wife was a tremendous amateur chef . However , since I have to be involved in the random acts , I needed to help . So today , for my ranPosted by A while back on this journey , I met ( via the internet ) a man name Todd . Todd and his son started 500 Kindnesses , a charity bike ride from Toronto to New York City . In lieu of pledging money , Todd asked people to pledge an act of kindness instead , and for each act of kindness , he would donate $ 1 . Todd is actually going to do another bike ride next year from Toronto to Mobile , Alabama ! A few weeks ago , I received a message from Todd where he mentioned that he was launching an event for Black Friday called " Share Something Day . " Rather than a day of crazy shopping , Todd asked that people share something with another person ( donate blood , share a cab , etc . ) . I let him know that I would be willing to participate in " Share Something Day " for my random act today . I 'm pretty sure I have mentioned on this blog before that I am not the most handy person in the world . I am trying to become more of a Mr . Fix - It , but it is a slow process . Many times , I need help when things run amok in my house , and luckily I have a couple of guys I can always look to . Reggie and Artur are my building 's engineers , and they , along with our building manager Jennifer , make sure that our building always runs smoothly . Whether it is fixing something , coordinating building initiatives , or , like today , decorating the building for the holidays , Jennifer , Reggie , and Artur are always on top of things . As I said , today is the day that they decorate our building for the holidays , and it is always one that stands out on our block . Unfortunately , the crazy Chicago weather has dropped 30 degrees and kicked up to 30 + MPH winds . They are still out there chugging along though . When Lindsey , Isla , and I got back from shopping , we were super cold , so we planned on making some hot chocolate . We thought that we should definitely share some with Jennifer , Reggie , Artur , and a resident of our building , Cindy . So today , for my random act of kindness , I shared hot chocolate with people working in the cold ! Happy Thanksgiving to everyone ! ! I hope everyone is having a tremendous day and evening with their families , although I am sure that is pretty tough in households that cheer for the Dallas Cowboys ! I want to be sure to give a special Thanksgiving greeting ( and Thank You ) to all of the soldiers serving overseas who can 't be home with their families this holiday season . We just got home from Thanksgiving dinner at my parent 's house , and I must say that I am quite proud of myself . I held myself to only one plate and only 1 biscuit ( 2 plates and a hoard of biscuits are my usual M . O . ) . Since their were only 6 of us at Thanksgiving and my wife and mom cook for 20 , there were a bunch of leftovers . Typically this results in a week 's worth of turkey sandwiches with rewarmed mashed potatoes but this year we decided to do something a little different . We all really appreciate all of the things we are afforded in life , and understand that there are many people out there less fortunate than us . There are people who tonight , rather than sharing a holiday with their family , are spending the night on the street in search of a meal . For a few folks , my family and I hope to change that . So today , for a Thanksgiving random act of kindness , my family put together turkey dinners and I am about to go pass them out to homeless people . Rather than eat that second plate of food , maybe put one together and join me in finding someone who truly needs it . If every person who reads this passed up on a leftover meal , and instead handed one out to someone in need , think of all the people we could help tonight . I am so thankful for what I have in life : my family , my friends , my job , and all of you who read this . Posted by Grocery stores the night before Thanksgiving is a terrifying place to be . Not only is it packed to the doors with people , but the shelves look like the entire city of Chicago were stocking up for Y2K . My wife sent me out to the store for 3 items : coffee , 2 sweet potatoes , and eggs ( thankfully not for the same dish ) . I figured I could navigate the masses , grab my items and bang out of there with ease . Not the case . I was able to get my items rather quickly ( the only set back was my indecisiveness selecting the coffee ) , but when I got to checkout , the lines looked like people were waiting for the new roller coaster at Six Flags . However , the long line gave me the opportunity to observe my surroundings . I saw a father and daughter discussing the intricacies of making a perfect turkey . There was a teenage girl and her little brother who were doing the grocery shopping for their family . I saw an older man buying beer and wine , all while letting the teller know how much he and his brothers were going to be enjoying those libations tomorrow . Seeing all of these interactions reminded me of just why I loved Thanksgiving so much . . . family . I love being able to get together , celebrate our traditions ( typically revolving around which food to eat and which poker games to play ) , and being comfortable enough to unbutton my pants when I ate too much . I got so excited that I wanted to utilize my excitement for kindness . I saw that the grocery store had a promotion going where you were able to pay for the Thanksgiving dinner for a less fortunate family in the area . So today , for my random act of kindness , I bought someone 's Thanksgiving dinner . Posted by As the holidays start to approach , so starts my usual holiday blues . Don 't get me wrong , I love Thanksgiving and Christmas as much as anyone else , but it also makes me think . It makes me think about all of the people out there who are struggling financially , emotionally , etc . and how I don 't have the power to help them all . One thing that really strikes me is that on days like Thanksgiving , when we destroy copious amounts of food , there are many others out there that are simply looking for something . . . anything to eat . My wife is pretty diligent about her grocery shopping . On Sundays , she plans exactly what we are going to be eating for the whole week , writes it on her chalkboard menu , and goes and buys the exact groceries she will need . When he have family get - togethers like Thanksgiving , she becomes uber prepared and buys all of the items she needs well in advance . Well I started thinking about what I wanted to do on different days this week , and one thing that I have wanted to do all year was donate food to a local food depository . My wife has done all of our grocery shopping for everything that we are going to make for Thanksgiving , so our pantry is all stocked . So when I asked my wife if we could donate many of the Thanksgiving staples ( cranberry sauce , pumpkin , corn ) and other foods , I was expecting a wee little bit of push back . Not because she didn 't want to give up those items , but because my wife is a planner to the utmost degree ( anyone out there married to a teacher can understand what I mean ) . However , I was definitely wrong because my wife was more than willing to give up those items . So today , for my random act of kindness , my family donated food to the Greater Chicago Food Depository near our house . Hopefully another family out there can forget about having to worry about putting food on the table and just enjoy one another 's company . For those in Chicago , if you would like to donate to the Greater Chicago Food Depository , you can find the nearest location here . Today was one of those days where I didn 't have anything in mind for my random act and wanted to see if an opportunity for kindness reared its ' head . I got kind of scared because I had such a hectic , heads down work day that I hadn 't come across anything that I could do . I went to physical therapy for my back after work , and the entire time I was wracking my brain trying to think of what I could do . It actually made my normally relaxing post PT massage quite anxiety filled . I left physical therapy thinking that it had finally happened : I was going to go a day without doing a random act . But then . . . it happened . On my way home , I was walking past Treasure Island grocery story when I saw a young woman carrying WAY too many groceries to her car . Before I had the opportunity to offer to carry them , she spilled the bags on the ground and all of the groceries spilled out . So today , for my random act of kindness , I helped a woman pick up spilled groceries , put them back into her bag , and the load them into her car . I think I kind of creeped her out because after she thanked me I said , " No . Thank you . You have helped me more than you know . " It didn 't hit me until I was halfway down the block how insanely oddball that sounded . I should have explained what I meant and how she helped my random acts , but now I am sitting here wondering if this girl is sitting at home telling her friends about the creep who picked up her groceries . I hope this doesn 't negate my act . Although it was nearly a month ago now , the effects of Hurricane Sandy are still being felt by millions of people on the East Coast . So many families lost everything that they had , and will have to start putting their lives together piece by piece . My friend and former boss , Bryan , posted a few weeks ago about how his mother lost her entire home in the storm . In his post , he said he wasn 't bringing up his mother to bring attention to her specific situation , but used her as an example of how , even in the fact of a terrible tragedy , the kindness of others helped so many people . Near the end of the post Bryan issued a " challenge ' of sorts . He said if we knew of anyone affected by the storm to do something for them : send a meal , some clothes , etc . He then specifically referenced a couple with 3 young children who lost their home and every possession they had . Even though I didn 't know this family , I knew that I wanted to do something to help them out , mostly because of how inspiring Bryan 's call to action was . So today , for my random act of kindness , my family and I got some belongings from around our house ( clothes , baby stuff , etc . ) and sent it to a family in need . There are many other people in the same situation as this family , so if you have anything that you could give , please take some time to do so . I also wanted to take this opportunity to shed light on something that Bryan is doing in the near future . In September of next year , Bryan will be competing in the Ironman Lake Tahoe to raise money for wounded veterans returning home from overseas . If you get a chance , you can read more about it at his blog here . The year of weddings continues ! Later this afternoon , Lindsey and I are going to have the honor of performing a reading at the wedding of our friends Chas and Liz . A number of my fraternity brothers are in town for it , so I know it will be a blast with this solid group of guys . Now that my back is feeling 198 % better , I can finally perform on the dance floor like I used to . There will be plenty of Gangnam Style in my future . Although I am super excited to attend the wedding today , unfortunately , another one of my great friends is getting married across the country in California . I met Waseem back in 2005 right after I moved to California and we quickly became friends after that . If you didn 't know Waseem and I knew each other , you would actually probably think we couldn 't stand one other if you saw us interacting . Reason being , we argue about sports about 90 % of the time that we are together . One time at a Bears - 49ers preseason game at Candlestick Park , security was almost called to our section because people thought an actual fight was going to break out . When I see Waseem and his soon to be bride Erica , it reminds me a whole lot of my relationship with Lindsey . In the same way that Lindsey helped me to mature a little , I see that Erica does the same for The Fahms . Well , since we couldn 't be there for their nuptials , I wanted to do something special for the couple . Waseem is a gigantic fan of Bay Area sports , and more specifically , the 49ers . Through my friend Joe , I was able to get in contact with Super Bowl Champion and 49er great , Roger Craig to see if he might be able to help me . Instead of sending a run of the mill wedding card for Waseem and Erica , Roger offered to send a congratulatory message on our behalf . . . on a football . So today , for my random act of kindness , I sent a special wedding congrats to the happy couple from my family and Roger Craig . I hope it makes Waseem happy on his special day because I know come Monday , when the Bears beat the 49ers without our starting quarterback , he will be kind of Posted by One of my favorite random acts this year was way back on Day 33 when I took Army Staff Sergeant John La Giglia and his family to a Northwestern basketball game . Lindsey and I had a great time with them , and I have been in contact with the La Giglia 's on and off this year . Recently , Mel ( John 's wife ) , reached out to me with a suggestion for a random act of kindness for a neighborhood friend of theirs . In February of this year , the father of their friend , Martin McGarry , was diagnosed with an extremely rare and fatal disease called Familial Amyloidosis . Familial Amyloidosis , which has already taken the life of Martin 's mother and two brothers , is a hereditary disease which causes the liver to create misfolded protiens and leads to pain , lack of mobility , heart deterioration , and impairment of the nervous system . As of now , there is only one drug , Tafamidis , available that slows down the progression of the disease , but it isn 't available here in the United States due to a lack of FDA approval . For the family to get the drug , they would have to go through overseas manufacturers which is quite expensive and not covered by insurance companies . The drug is currently in the process of being approved by the FDA , but for Martin and many others , time is of the essence . Martin 's family has put together a petition at Change . org to try to get the FDA to speed up the approval process . So today , for my random act of kindness , I tried to get the FDA to approve a drug by signing a petition on behalf of the McGarry family . The petition only needs less than 90 signatures , so if you have a couple of seconds , please go to this link and sign the petition . Stinky hair and clothes . Yellow teeth . Bad breath . Wrinkles . Cancer . Oh , and death . SMOKING IS AWESOME ! ! ! ! ! It seems to me that there really aren 't any benefits to smoking ( well , unless you consider looking like Keith Richards a positive thing ) . Before Isla was born , Lindsey and I let our parents know that if they wanted to hold her , they couldn 't have any cigarettes beforehand , and they would have to wash their hands profusely to get any smell / residue off of themselves . We had hoped that this tactic would make them quit smoking altogether , but alas , it has not . I completely understand and appreciate that it is a difficult addiction to kick , but I want them to get healthy . There are nearly 500 , 000 deaths per year from smoking related illnesses , and I don 't want to see them become a statistic . In the past , my ways of trying to get them to stop smoking has ranged from stealing and destroying their cigarettes to being extremely sarcastic about their smoking to just being downright rude about it . As I have gotten more mature ( on a relative basis to my own levels of maturity ) , I 've realized that I was going about this the wrong way . If my random acts have taught me anything , it is that I need to be more of a support system for them since quitting an addiction has got to be tough . The American Cancer Society Great American Smoke Out is today , and it gave me the inspiration to help my mom , stepdad and mother - in - law all quit smoking . So today , for my random act of kindness , I am going to start encouraging ( in a positive way ) my parents on their mission to quit smoking . I am going to stay on top of them in their attempts to kick this nasty habit , but rather than just be rude about it , I am going to realize it is a tough process . Hell , I might even start bugging my friends who smoke about quitting too . When I was a kid , I messed up my knee playing football and had to spend 36 hours at the hospital ( I was a klutzy , injury prone kid . My mom tells the story best , but she arrived a little late to the game , saw an ambulance on the field and jokingly said " I bet it 's Ryan . " It was ) . My memories of my stay are pretty foggy , but there are a few things that I remember distinctly . I remember how I was on a steady diet of Jell - O and how I can 't eat the stuff to this day ( this does not include the occasional tailgate Jell - O shot ) . I remember how hard it was to go to the bathroom when you had to wheel around the IV stand wherever you went . I also remember how great it felt to receive " Get Well Soon " wishes from friends and family . My mom was there with me the whole time , but on the occasions where she went to go eat , talk to nurses , etc . I realized just how lonely of a place hospital rooms can be . That is why when I received those calls , it was really uplifting . A couple of weeks ago , I mentioned my " sista from another mista , " Angela , and how she helped me in planning a surprise visit to see my sister , Tiffany , in Florida . Well yesterday , Angela 's father , Mike , had to undergo surgery to replace his knee , and is set to spend the next 3 days in the hospital for recovery . When I heard " hospital " and " knee , " I instantly started to think about my injury and remembered how great it felt to hear from people . So today , for my random act of kindness , I wrote a Get Well Soon message to Mike using the hospitals Email - A - Patient feature . I didn 't know that hospitals had this , but it is an awesome tool to take advantage of should you know anybody who is laid up eating Jell - O and Salisbury Steak while recovering from something . Today at 12 : 47 PM , I am officially 31 years of age . Wow . I am an old man . It seems like just yesterday that I was sitting on the floor coloring with crayons and watching cartoons . Well , I guess I was doing those things yesterday , but it was while playing with my daughter . Ah , who am I kidding ? Isla went off to bed and I continued coloring and watching cartoons . Either way , lack of maturity not withstanding , it is insane to me when I think about where my life is right now . I have a gorgeous , caring wife , a beautiful , hilarious daughter , a loving family , and great friends . There are things in life that I still wish to achieve , but if I took a snapshot of my life right now , in 50 years I could look back and say I was a pretty lucky guy . I wouldn 't have been able to get to this point without the help of all those people , and for that help , I say am truly thankful . I wanted to do something for my birthday that would incorporate my age ( 31 ) and also the random acts of kindness . 31 is the number of flavors at Baskin Robbins , but it is too cold to hand out 31 ice cream cones to people . So today , for my random act of kindness , I decided to drop the " L " from flavors and do 31 favors for people . Tonight , I will try to update my favors here on the blog . Favors Update : Thus far , I have held the door open for at least 5 people , held a woman who was texting on her phone back from crossing the street when a car was coming , gave change to 2 homeless men , gave my daughter a kiss from my mom ( her request ) , let 3 people go ahead of me in line at a coffee place , and was a reference for a friend looking for a job . By my calculations , I still have to remember / perform 18 more favors . Oh man , not a lot of time ! ! ! Posted by Yesterday was Veteran 's Day here in the United States , but since it fell on a Sunday , it was widely observed as a holiday . I have many friends , family members , fraternity brothers , and acquaintances that have served in the Armed Forces , so it is really important to me that these heroes see their due . I wish I could go around and buy them all a beer or a meal , but that isn 't possible because of distance and financial constraints . However , I did feel it was important to let them know that every single day of the year , not just on Veteran 's Day , I am thankful for the sacrifices they have made . So today , for my random act of kindness , I thanked the veterans that I know for their service and for making the world a safer place for my family . Since I don 't know every veteran out there , and I think there might be a few who read this blog , I want to say " Thank you " to all of you as well . You all personify courage and what it really means to be a hero . Last Tuesday , I asked all of you to vote via Facebook and email on which random act I would perform for Day 316 . You had your choice between having me dance like a fool in a public venue or sing random , improvisational songs to strangers . By an overwhelming margin , you chose for me to sing to people . When I was in high school , I aspired to be a part of a boy band , but I came to the eventual realization that I have a pretty awful singing voice . That awful singing voice wasn 't going to stop me from keeping my word though . So today , for my random act of kindness , I serenade strangers on a street corner . My wife and daughter helped out by holding the sign up for me , and I was excited by the amount of people who actually stopped for a song . I was making up the words as I went along and the songs ranged from ballads to rap songs to " I 'll Make Love To You " by Boyz II Men . Everyone seemed pretty pleased even though they would have probably been better off listening the screaming newborn pterodactyls . Luckily , my pupa stage mustache for Movember didn 't scare too many people away . I have been to many different sporting events in my life . You name it : baseball , basketball , football , hockey , soccer , cycling ( Little 500 ! ! ! ) . I save the ticket from each of these events and keep them in a box as a memory . Each on of these games was memorable for one reason or another , and when I look at the tickets , it always makes me think about who I went with , what happened , etc . Today , I went to a sporting event , and although I didn 't get a ticket to put into my box , I was left with some memories I will cherish for the rest of my life . This morning / afternoon , I volunteered for the state floor hockey finals for Special Olympics Illinois . Teams from all around the state came together to show off their impressive floor hockey skills , and I was lucky enough to be tasked with helping man the awards table . Throughout the day , I was able to watch the best example of sportsmanship that I think I have ever seen . The athletes were so excited , so talented , and so dedicated to their sport . After each round of individual and team events , medals and trophies were handed out to the athletes . So today , for my random act of kindness , I had the honor of awarding medals at the Special Olympics . My wife and daughter joined me at the festivities and got to enjoy themselves at some of the matches . I also wanted to give a special shout out to Ms . Kirsten Corbett and her Girl Scout troop who I joined in passing out the medals . A few times this year , I have done random acts for animal shelters around the Chicagoland area . Truth be told , I sometimes have trouble going to the shelters because I want to take all the animals home with me . However , living in a small condo in a mid - rise building really doesn 't lend itself to housing more than a 9 lb . Peke - A - Poo ( Vinny ) and a bouncing off the walls feline ( Karen ) . Even though I can 't bring in all of these animals to my own home , I thought that maybe I could do something to at least help at least one of the animals find A home . In an effort to not turn into a crazy cat lady , I decided to utilize the power of social media and this blog to help one of the little guys at P . A . W . S . Chicago find a family that will take them in and love them . So today , for my random act of kindness , I tried to help a puppy find a home . The little bundle of big eared joy you see above is Archie , a 4 month old Chihuahua puppy . Archie is a bouncy little chap who would be so excited to go home with a family that appreciates his Will Smith - esque ears . For more information about Archie , you can visit his profile page ( and my other furry friends ' pages ) on the P . A . W . S . Chicago website . Tonight also happens to be the P . A . W . S . Chicago 2012 Fur Ball , a gala event where you can " walk the red carpet with your furry friend " with all proceeds going to saving homeless cats and dogs . Today was one of the more stressful driving days I have had in a while . For some reason , every single route that I took throughout the course of my day , it seemed that there was construction or fender benders holding up traffic . Due to the fact that there is so much concurrent construction , there was a severe lack of parking spaces in the places I worked today . I was running slightly behind for an appointment and couldn 't find parking . I had circled the area 3 or 4 times when I spotted a car pulling away out of the corner of my eye . I instantly beelined it to the parking spot and pulled right in . As I got out of my car to pay for my parking , I noticed there was a guy in his car who looked terribly stressed out and seemed to be looking for a spot as well . I took a look at the clock on my phone and realized I still had some time to spare . So today , for my random act of kindness , I gave up my parking spot to the man . I found out right after that the man had a number of packages that he was bringing in to the building nearby , so he was super thankful . Lucky for me , it surprisingly didn 't take me too long to find a spot and I made my appointment on time . Posted by I am always one who enjoys a great party , so I thought to myself , " Self , why not , for one of your random acts , throw a party to thank all of the people who have followed / helped with your random acts . Also Self , maybe you should make it so that all the proceeds from that party will go towards a great cause . " So that is what I have decided to do . With help from Chicago Beers Geeks and The Chicago Photobooth Company , on November 30th , for Day 335 , I am going to be throwing a party at FatPour in Chicago for my friends , family , strangers , random act recipients , random acts readers , and anyone else who wants to come join the fun . You can read more about the party here , but I look forward to having a blast with you . Posted by 366 Random Acts was created as a way for me to set a positive example for my daughter and as a way for her to put others before herself . I want Isla to grow up as someone who lives by the Golden Rule and treats each and every person she meets in her life with the utmost love and respect . One of ways that I am going to best be able to raise Isla in this way is to look back through my own life , see mistakes I have made and teach her to avoid and learn from them . As I 've said on here before , I 've always been pretty positive and good - natured , and that was true even going back to my childhood . However , after doing some pretty serious introspection , I realized that there were instances where I didn 't act in a way that I want Isla to act . Maybe it had to do with my own insecurities or maybe it was my own ( albeit terrible ) way of dealing with the anger that I had from my parents divorcing , but in looking back at myself in elementary school , I was sometimes a verbal bully . I 'd join in or even lead groups of people in lobbing insults and horrible nicknames at fellow classmates who weren 't in my " clique " of friends . I was really Jekyll and Hyde because when I wasn 't among a group of my peers , I would never think to act that way . My mom always raised me to treat others respectfully and looking back , it seems as though I let her down from time to time . Now I could chalk it up to youthful ignorance , but I know that I won 't take that excuse from Isla when she is older . When I watch the news and I keep seeing story after story of these kids who turn to suicide from being bullied , I am thankful that my words never lead to that but am saddened that it even could have happened . I wanted to let the people that I tormented know that I was extremely sorry for the way that I acted . So today , for my random act of kindness , I apologized to them for being a bully as a child . If you or anyone that you know is affected by bullying ( or is the bully themselves ) , please visit one of the following sites for help , advice , outlets to help . It is Election Day here in the United States , and it is a day that I always get super excited about . I truly appreciate the ability to vote and exercise that right whenever I have the chance . I always think about the men and women of the armed forces and everything they have sacrificed in order to give every American this right . Regardless of political affiliation , one should take a ton of pride in the fact that they have the ability to vote for the leaders of our country . This morning , I headed over to my local polling place to vote . Luckily , there wasn 't too long of a line , so I knew that I would be able to get my voting done and not cut in to my work day at all . I quickly made my way up to show my voter registration card and collect my ballot , and then the line stopped moving . That is because the man in front of me had was berating the volunteer worker because his ballot was not in the master booklet . She was so sweet to him , and offered to call the other nearby precincts to ensure that he was not at the wrong polling place . However , this did not pacify the man , and he kept pouring it on by calling the woman inept and saying she didn 't know what she was doing . It got to the point where the entire room had stopped voting and were just staring at the interaction . Finally I had enough of seeing this woman being shouted at by the man . So today , for my random act of kindness , I stood up for the woman and told the man he needed to calm down . I sarcastically told the man that the woman had a vendetta against him and manufactured the booklet so that he couldn 't vote . I told him that this woman had taken time out of her day to volunteer here , and she didn 't sign up to be verbally harassed by someone . The man left the polling place , and the woman thanked me for stepping in . Within 1 minute of a phone call ( a phone call the man said not to make ) , she found out that he was in the wrong location and could have told him the correct one to go to if he had just settled down . There is way too much misplaced anger in this world , and people need to stop , take a breath , and put themselves in others ' shoes before losing their mind . Before I go today , and in the spirit of Election Day , please go to the 366 Random Acts Facebook Page and vote on what Day 316 should be ! Thanks ! About 7 years ago , after moving to California , I was still in the process of looking for my first job out of college . Since I didn 't have much to do during the days that I didn 't have interviews , I pretty much sat at home watching TV . It was only a few weeks after I had moved to California that Hurricane Katrina ravaged the Gulf Coast . I watched the television coverage of the storm and aftermath non - stop in those days after Katrina hit . I wanted so badly to go to New Orleans and help those who had been affected by the storm , but didn 't have the means or funds to do so . It really shook me because I chose moving to California over moving to New Orleans with another friend of mine . We took a road trip there in college and I had fallen in love with the city . I was lucky that I picked California , but I was so saddened by what I was seeing . I sat there in my apartment watching these people who had lost everything , loved ones , homes , etc . , and I was powerless to truly help them . I was reminded of those feelings this past week when I watched the devastation that Hurricane Sandy brought on the East Coast . People killed , homes destroyed , lives changed forever . I have many friends that live in the areas that were directly impacted by Sandy like my friend Pat and all of my co - workers from ZocDoc . Fortunately , everyone that I know is accounted for , safe , and for the most part unaffected by the destruction . However , this isn 't the case for so many out there . 7 years after Katrina , I am in a better place financially than I was as a fresh college grad , so I can at least do my small part to help . So today , for my random act of kindness , I texted REDCROSS to 90999 to donate $ 10 to the relief efforts on the East Coast . I want to do more . I hope to do more . I need to do more . After a hectic plane ride home due to a very exhausted , screaming 14 - month old , we finally were able to make it home . . . only to find that someone had parked their car in our spot leaving us unable to park and enter our house . Luckily , a woman in our building was able to find the owner of the car so they could move it and we could put Isla to sleep ( FINALLY ! ! ) and relax a little bit before our work week begins tomorrow . When we stepped outside from the airport , we quickly noticed that we were no longer in Florida . It was pretty chilly before we left to go visit my sister , but I think being in 80 degree weather the past three days made me notice the cold even more . Whenever it gets super cold out , I am reminded of the peril that homeless people go through during the Chicago winters . I get really saddened that I don 't own a high rise that would allow me to take everyone in off the streets . On our drive home , we got off the highway at our exit and as per usual , a homeless man was waiting at the stop light at the end of the exit holding a sign asking for some change . I usually don 't carry cash or change on me , so most of the time I have to drive by the man who waits there ( unless I have lunch or a snack ) . However , I remembered that we had to make change earlier in the day for parking meters . So today , for my random act of kindness , I spared some change for the man . Posted by I had a bunch of help planning the surprise visit for my sister from her roommate and best friend , Angela . Angela , who I have known my whole life and is " my sister from another mister " , set up the logistics of getting Tiffany to the airport , making sure she didn 't have plans or leave town , and making sure everyone around her didn 't let Tiffany know the secret . Without her , the surprise wouldn 't have gone off without a hitch . I felt the need to thank her , but I wasn 't sure exactly what to do . A thank you card ? A hug and handshake ? Nah . Then I realized that I should find a way to do a random act for her . Earlier today , Angela was talking about how her kitchen faucet kept leaking . I thought I would find a way to fix the leaky faucet for her as my random act . However , within 1 minute of trying to fix it , I realized that there was a zero percent chance that I was going to be able to . Luckily , Angela had also mentioned that she needed to trim the palm tree in her front yard . I 've never trimmed a palm tree ( or any tree for that matter ) before , but I thought I would give it a go . So today , for my random act of kindness , I trimmed a tree in Angela 's front yard . I 'm pretty confident that it still needs work from a lawn care professional , but she was happy that I at least got it started . Posted by This one has to be pretty brief because we are about to go out to dinner . I couldn 't type it earlier because I had to keep the surprise factor going . My sister has lived in Tampa for almost 2 years now , and we haven 't had the opportunity to go down as a family to see her . Well it has been far too long and that needed to change . So today , for my random act of kindness , I , along with my wife and daughter , made a surprise visit down to see my sister in Florida . She was completely shocked and it took her a while before she fully realized that we were here . To the children that read this blog ( and to their parents ) , I apologize for just how creepy the above picture is . I joined a group of fraternities brothers in growing gnarly staches way back in 2005 for the annual Little 500 at Indiana University ( The World 's Greatest College Weekend for those that don 't know . Also for those that don 't know , the mighty Hoosiers are the # 1 team in the nation ) . While I would love to take full credit for just how glorious that mustache looks , I must admit that due to the prepubescent way that my face grows hair , it was colored in by a girl 's mascara . Tom Selleck I am not . Since then , I haven 't attempted to grow any lip spinach both because I work in a job where I have to meet face to face with people , and because I knew that I could never grow a respectable stache . Well that changes starting today . Since 2004 , The Movember Foundation ( or Mo Bros ) have raised funds for and brought about awareness to men 's issues such as testicular and prostate cancer through their annual Movember campaign . Movember requires participating men to grow the most handsome and stylish mustache possible by adhering to the following rules : So today , for my random act of kindness , I am starting grow a mustache for the entire month of November . If you would like to be a part of the Random Acts Movember Team ( 366 Random Staches ) , please feel free to do so and join us in all of our mustachioed glory . Posted by |
Every Friday I choose to join with a bunch of ladies who write for five minutes on one topic . We try really hard not to over - think it , or edit , or get really worked up about our writing . We just set our clock , use the prompt that she provides , and write from the heart for five minutes . Her only rule is to visit the person who linked up just before you and offer her some encouragement . So here we go . This week the word is Choose . Someone recently asked me how long I was going to continue to do this . ' This ' meaning , keep Richard at home and take care of him . Yes , it is the hardest job I have ever had . But I made this choice . And I made this choice for many reasons , but most of all because it is a promise I made to him , in front of God , at the side of a beautiful lake , in the great state of Colorado . That promise included these words : " to love and to cherish , in sickness and in health , for richer or poorer , for better or for worse . " This is what I chose to do . It IS what I choose . It 's not easy , that 's for sure . But when you marry someone do you really think the rest of the days of your life , until death do you part , are going to be easy . Our life , leading up to the day , when we repeated those vows to each other , had already been difficult . I had been to nursing school . All the while working , as many hours , at whatever jobs I could find , to help support us . We put up with all the trials and tribulations that come with raising two boys . We purchased a house together and many cars . We were already like a married couple . Yet we hadn 't made any promises to each other . In front of God . So when I stood there in that field of wildflowers , at the edge of Lake Isabel , near Rye , Colorado , with my best friend at my side , and made these promises , it is what I chose to do . I did not know he would be sick someday . I did not know he would get Parkinson 's disease or have a stroke . I did not know I would choose to keep him home with us . But it is what we have done . And I would choose it all over again . Outside my window . . . the sky is dark but clear . The stars are twinkling so close that I feel I could reach up and pluck down a few . I would drop them into a mason jar and sit them next to my bed and watch the twinkling all night long . But it is cold . As it often is in the winter when the sky is so clear . I am thinking . . . How really short our lives are . I am not usually this deep . I like to keep it light most of the time . But today is the birthday of one of our granddaughters , Piper , and it seems like she was only just born . So time flies by so fast . And yet it seems so short . I am thankful . . . for everything that I have . I think of those without a roof over their head tonight . Out in the cold . Without a warm blanket . Or maybe even without a coat . And I think how un - grateful I sometimes seem to be . In the kitchen . . . I have done well this week with following my menu plan . Tonight we had chili . I make it just like my mom used to make for us . It is my favorite chili and it is easy . And I love to have crackers and butter with my chili . And a big glass of cold milk . I am wearing . . . my new Vera Wang ( yeah , right ) knit pajama top . But since I don 't like just tops I have on a pair of khaki Capri pants . Ha ! Ha ! I 'll be you wish I 'd share a picture . Well , don 't hold your breath . I am creating . . . Truly I am . I am making a St . Patrick 's Day banner to take the place of the lacy red hearts that still adorn the mantle . I need to find some green things to decorate with too . Maybe a trip to the Dollar Store is in the works . I am going . . . to bed soon . This is my favorite time of the night . I have the kids in their beds . They have both taken to sleeping with their doors closed . Gads , I think they are growing up . And Richard is tucked in and I hear the humming of the oxygen concentrator in the background . I am wondering . . . will I be able to finish this job that I have started . I don 't know why I have been thinking about this a lot lately . Will I be able to keep Richard at home until the end ? Will I make it parenting these kids until they won 't need me anymore ? Things to ponder . I am reading . . . the Bible . I started it at the beginning of the year . I have read the Bible through a time or two in my life . But this is the first time I am reading it through in chronological order and plan to just take a year . Some parts of the Bible bother me . And make me think a lot . And wonder . I hope that is a good thing . I am hoping . . . Hoping is something I do well . Hope is my word for 2014 . I hope for salvation . I hope for sanity . I hope for peace . I hope for time . I hope for love . I have hopes for all of you , as well . I am looking forward to . . . Spring . Who isn 't ? I am learning . . . This is where I wish I could say patience . But I am not learning patience . Richard has been coughing a lot lately . And coughing is just my button . You know the one . That one that causes irritation . And I don 't like that . The Hospice nurse wonders about congestive heart failure . So we started a diuretic . So far the coughing continues . Around the house . . . There is so much that needs done around this house . I can only do things that are in Richard 's sight . He gets worried when he can 't see me . So if I am in the kitchen I have to keep popping in to see him . And cleaning in the back part of the house is out of the question . So that leaves the living room , the dining room , and the bathroom ( while he is in there ) . I need a good spring cleaning . I am pondering . . . so many things today . I am thinking about getting some quotes to have the outside of the house painted . It 's looking a bit shabby . A few plans for the rest of the week : Justin and Paige will be here on Friday and Saturday this week . The kids are going to Winter Jam , a Christian music concert , on Saturday . I might plan a little time away from home to do something with myself . Tomorrow ends the third quarter of school for the kids . Only 7 weeks to go . It has gone by so fast this year . It has been awhile since I have done a Simple Woman 's Daybook . I used to try to fill this out on the first of every month . Maybe I will try to do it monthly once again . Won 't you join me ? I would love to read your . I haven 't done a Quote Me Thursday yet this year . So when I ran across this quote today , I knew that I had to jump in and link up with Daily Mayo and share my quote . Her theme this month is LOVE I am almost 63 years old . And I am ' mom ' to two teenage kids . How on earth did this happen ? I was supposed to be sitting in my recliner enjoying my golden years . I was supposed to be planning another cruise with my happy , healthy husband . This was the plan I had for myself . I wasn 't supposed to be doing this parenting thing again . I wanted to be a grandma . I couldn 't wait to be a grandma . I wanted to read to them , sing to them , spoil them rotten and send them home . This isn 't fair . I hear my mother whispering in my ear . . . " life isn 't fair . " No it isn 't fair . But it is what it is . Tonight I went with Harley to enroll in high school . HIGH SCHOOL , I am silently screaming in my head . This cannot be possible . She cannot be going to high school . We walk into a packed auditorium and find our way down the aisle to somewhere near the front . I look around at all the parents . Those parents with their fresh - faced almost freshman kiddos . Those parents who are just getting off work . Those parents who are probably somewhere closer to 40 than to 63 . And I cry silently inside , thinking " I cannot do this again . " But of course I will . Darian is going to be a junior . What ? ? ? A junior . Oh man , I have just got to quit typing and go lie down . How on earth did these two little tykes get to where they are now . And why can 't I just spoil them and send them home . Why can 't I proudly show up at the high school and watch their activities and performances like all the other proud granny 's ? This just isn 't fair . But what would happen to them if they didn 't have me ? That is a question I can ask myself . And I do ask it . Often ! They would have a grandma . But where would they have ended up ? The foster system . Adopted by people who would not have wanted me to stay involved . I couldn 't have that , could I ? So here I am being the grandma / mom . And getting ready to do the high school thing with a girl ! For the first time around . The weekend is over and it was a good one . I did a pretty good job of sticking to the menu plan this past week . Those Crispy Southwestern Chicken Wraps , that I made on Monday , were super easy and very , very good . I did not use cilantro and I grilled them on my new Cuisinart Grill we got for Christmas . I actually ended up with more than the recipe said and we ate them during the week for lunch and snacks . Both Richard and the kids loved them , so this is a keeper . On Tuesday we did have the sloppy joes with the Pasta Salad and it too was another big hit . I will make it again as well . When the kids went to church on Wednesday night , I loaded Papa into the car , we drove through the car wash and then went through KFC drive - thru , because he has been craving fried chicken . Yummy ! Thursday we did the White Trash Casserole . This is one of my kiddo 's favorite and it always is a winner . Friday we had leftovers from the week . On Saturday we went with spaghetti and today for dinner I made the Pork Chop Suey . I served it with both rice and chow mein noodles . It was a big hit with all but the granddaughters . They ate mini corn dogs . Thanks Wendy for that easy recipe . I will do that again as well . Fifteen MemeWhat was your first job like ? I babysit around the age of 12 . And my first real job as a waitress . It 's a typical Sunday , how are you spending it ? Like every other day of the week . Sunday 's are no different . What was the happiest day of your life ? The day that I graduated from nursing school . It had been a long , hard battle . What was the best decision you ever made ? To marry RichardTell your go - to " pretend " game as a child ( who was your alter - ego ? ) I don 't remember ever playing make - believe as a child . What email service do you use ? CoxWhat fandoms would you consider yourself a part of ? The Good WifeDo you use anything on your lips ? ( eg . Chapstick , gloss , balm , lipstick ) nothing on a regular basis . . . chapstick or balm if neededHow many devices do you own which can access the internet ? 3Last strong smell you can remember smelling ? We had a skunk near the other night . Smell was really bad . I put Vicks in my nose to get rid of the skunk smell . If you had to move your birthday to another date , which one would you choose and why ? I can 't think of a reason to change the day that it is . Inspiration behind your blog title ? It used to be Paula 's Place and i shared smidgens , snippets , and bits of my life , so I just changed the name to that . If you could spend a rainy day with anyone in the world , who would you choose and why ? Richard , because he needs me . Is there a foreign culture that you love ? There are several that fascinate me : French , Italian , SpanishDo you have a favorite soft drink ? Pepsi or coke ! On a Facebook page that I follow a question was recently posted on ' giving some ideas for teenage boys to romantically ask their dates to the prom ' . This kind of stuff makes me flip out . I wonder how many boys out there really want to find out a romantic way to ask a girl to the prom . Most of them don 't even want to find an un - romantic way to ask . They are scared to death to ask . They hope the girl will ask them . And take away all that fear of rejection . This got me to thinking about who is it that is putting so much pressure on teenagers today . I read a lot in the media about this being the generation of kids that are so stressed . I recently read somewhere that parenting is the most competitive adult sport in today 's world . Wow ! That says it all right there . It is the parents who are pushing kids so hard that they have such stress in their lives . I think back to when I was raising my own sons and it was a " keep up with the Joneses generation " , but it was nothing compared to today . I have heard that it is called hyper - parenting . Kids are just not allowed to be kids . It starts when they are very , very young . At birth parents start to worry about what pre - school their child is going to get into . For crying out loud , it is pre - school ; not college . But it seems to matter . And I know of parents who send their children at the age of 3 ( whether they can really afford it or not ) so the kid goes to 2 - 3 years of pre - school before they ever enroll them in kindergarten . Why is it that a child needs to know how to read at age 4 ? If they learn at 6 , they will still know how to read for a lot of years before they die . Who is the parent really concerned about at this age . Their child ? I think not . I think they are much more concerned about how they will look in front of the other parents in their circle . And now we can talk about sports . Little , tiny basketball and soccer players who are being pushed by their parents . They have barely learned how to walk , let alone learned and know the rules of sports games . I sincerely doubt that any of these tykes asked their parents to ' please , pretty please sign me up for basketball . ' And then there are those parents who sign their kids up for private lessons in soccer , wrestling , basketball , etc . Seriously ? Have we really lost the ability to let our kids just get out there and play . And figure it out for themselves . Have you attended any middle - school or high school sporting events where the parents coach from the side - lines ? It is sad to watch . I feel for the child whose mom or dad is constantly screaming at them on how to play the game . The child seems so confused on whether to listen to their parents or the coach . Often times the coach has told them to do something else . And there is always the ' ball - hog ' , who is not a team player , because mom or dad want him to be the star of the team . Parents work tirelessly to promote their kid in a sport their kids might not even want to play . I have heard parents talking around me , as I sit in the stands watching a grandchild play at a sport , ( of their choosing , because for the most part I don 't even like to attend these events ) worrying and talking about what college their child will go to . What the child will be when they grow up . Who is the best guy for a boyfriend ! Are you kidding me ? Let the kids figure this out . When my granddaughters were in elementary school there was a teacher 's aid , who had a son their age , and she made it her job to try to get them to be her son 's girlfriend . That is a bit over involved don 't you think ? I happen to be one of those old - fashioned ladies who believes kids in grade school ( or even middle - school , for that matter ) should NOT be ' dating ' . Period ! Plenty of time for finding Mr . Or Miss Right much later down the road . Let them be kids ! ! Parents , stop pushing your child to be what you want them to be . Encourage them , yes . Help them make decisions that are the best decisions for them , yes . But otherwise stay out of their business . Don 't be a hyper - parent . Don 't be pushy . Quit putting so much stress on your kids . A 's and B 's are great grades . Hell , even a C is considered average . What is wrong with having an average child ? Of course you can encourage them to do better , if they are capable , but screaming at them because they got a B ! ! That is a bit over the top . You don 't want to be the reason they are some day , laying on the therapist couch , trying to work through why " they just don 't feel they are good enough . " On Friday 's I join with Lisa - Jo and others for a writing exercise . She provides the prompt and we write for five minutes . We try not to over - think the prompt . Just write from our hearts . We don 't edit ( I do , a bit I will admit . It is my feelings of perfectionism ) . The only rule is to visit the person before us and offer them a word or two of encouragement . I try to visit them all . Sometimes I make it and sometimes I don 't . So here we go ! In this big , wide world that I live in , I feel small . Most of the time the things I do are small . When I help Richard reach for his cup or the Kleenex box that are right next to his chair . Those are small things . To him they are big , because his extremities don 't work like they used to . There are not many things he can do for himself any longer . When I give a hug to a teen who has arrived home from school , that is a small gesture to let them know I am glad they are home and I love them . They are out working all day in a tough world . A much tougher world than the one that I grew up in . My family life was different than their 's , but the outside world , for the most part , was kinder . When I smile and talk with the cashier at the grocery store , that is small . Think of all the grouchy people she has to deal with on a daily basis . That is big compared to who I deal with . Although there are days I am one of those grouchy people . I often have to remind myself compared to a lot of others in the world my problems are small . My life could be so much worse . I have many , many things to be thankful for . I moan and groan but really my problems are small . I thank God that he watches over all of our small problems and helps me not to fall off that path he has chosen for me . Does anyone else find it really hard to believe that we are only a week away from the end of February ? Weren 't we all just writing about Christmas ? I swear time just keeps speeding up and speeding up . We are not even slowing down for the curves in the road . Dear Mother Nature : Thank you so very much for the brief respite you gave us this week . To actually have a day where it was almost 70 * gave me so much HOPE . I am not crazy enough to believe that you are through with throwing some winter our way , but it really helped to have a couple of days of beautiful sunshine and no snow ! All of the 14 inches are gone . And thank goodness so are the ice dams . Dear Sochi 2014 Winter Olympics : What a week this has been . It was awesome to see Ted Ligety win the men 's giant slalom . The first time a non - European wins Gold in this sport . My heart melted as Meryl Davis and Charlie White won ice dance gold . Skating together for 17 years ! The deserved it . And I was so proud for Adelina Sotnikova from Russia as she skated beautifully to become the first Russian to win gold in women 's figure skating . Her emotional reaction touched my heart . I would have loved to have seen an American victory but Adelina deserved the medal . I felt the pain of the American women as they lost in hockey today to the Canadians . But those Canadian women have much to be proud of . Dear NBC TV : I don 't like that you are not showing the medal ceremonies this year . At least air the ones that America wins . You are , after - all an American TV station . That was always a highlight for me to watch the medal ceremonies . Dear Dean at Cox TV : Thank you for listening to my complaints about my cable bill and helping me find a way to make it a bit less . I won 't save tons of money , but every little bit helps . And you are right , you aren 't a bit like Verizon . Verizon didn 't give a hoot about my circumstances when I tried to lower my bill . I have been in a slump lately and just haven 't felt much like " putting it all out there " if you know what I mean ! But I like doing Finish This cause I don 't have to think very hard and I can just let the prompts lead me . So here goes : 1 . I plan on buying . . . my current list of what I plan on buying includes : an electric blanket for Richard 's hospital bed . I am tired of putting 6 blankets on him ( and he is particular about how they are put on ) so I am going to try an electric blanket . I also need to get something called " Outgrow " to put on Richard 's toenail and some more Epsom Salts to soak his foot . The Hospice nurse is going to bring along some powder that is called arglaes powder . We 'll see if this will cure the infected toe . So far nothing else has worked . I think we are experimenting . Nothing much else that I am planning on buying . Boring , huh ? 2 . I give myself five stars because : I feel like it . Sometimes I don 't give myself enough credit for what I do . Taking care of Richard as well as two teenage grands is not an easy job . So here you go self : * * * * * 3 . I felt courageous when . . . I do something I haven 't done before and it turns out okay . When I hear noises in the night that jerk me out of my sleep and a cold chill spreads across my body I am the one who gets up to see what caused the noise . That is courageous . I used to make Richard go check it out . I have even been known to grab my big , black flashlight and go outside in the middle of the night . I walk around the house and see what is going on . Yes , might be crazy , but I have done it a few times . And I wouldn 't be afraid to slug someone with this thing . 4 . I feel about swimsuit shopping like I do . . . about picking out a casket . Not only is that something that I don 't want to do , but it is something that I am not going to do ! Got swimsuit shopping or pick out a casket ! Richard and I both want to be cremated and scattered so there will not even be a urn sitting around this house . Just not my thing . And if I should find myself needing a swimsuit I will buy one on - line and pray that it fits . I have NO delusions that I will look like the person who models it . My word for this year is Hope ! I was wandering around the internet today and discovered that right here , in my home state of Kansas , there is Hope . That 's right . Hope , Kansas . The population is 361 so it is tiny . And the town 's motto is " There Will Always Be Hope in Kansas . " This little Town was founded in 1871 . It is located close to the town of Abilene . The Dwight D . Eisenhower Presidential Library is located in Abilene . I love that we have Hope in Kansas . The ' sweet ' old man who lives at my house has been cooped up too long . I can 't remember the last time that I took him out for a drive . So he was starting to look like the gent off to the left here . Today , here in Kansas , we reached temperatures in the upper 60 's . I think it was 69 * actually . So after Harley came home from school we loaded Papa into the car ( no small feat ) and took him out for a ride . Now , I am pretty sure there isn 't anything in ' bloom ' or any dust hanging around in the air , but ever since we got back home he has coughed , hacked , and sneezed until I am having day - dreams about smothering him . Not really ! I am just kidding . Don 't call the police on me . It 's a joke . He really enjoyed the ride . But I can 't figure out what has brought on this allergy - like attack . I have him medicated up really good and he is in his chair snoring right now . Think I will just cover him up good and leave him be for the night . . . . . . Sometimes when you cure one thing ( cabin fever ) you end up with something else . Posted by Well not really cleaning house ! That would just take too much energy . But I am going to do some cleaning . I use Feedly as my blog reader and every single day of the year I read 126 Blogs ( if they made an entry for the day ) . And today for some reason I just decided that it is time for me to clean house . Why ? Because sometimes reading other women 's blogs ( and two gents ) makes me feel sick . Inferior . Un - worthy . Sad . Incapable . Ugly . Lazy . Slow . Behind - the - times . Are you getting the picture ? I am going to delete everyone of those blogs that makes me feel that way ! I don 't want to see anymore pictures of perfectly designed and decorated homes . If I need inspiration , I will check on Pinterest . There are plenty of ideas there . So good - bye to all blogs related to decorating . ( Except for one . She is my ex - daughter - in - law and I love to read what she is doing to make a home more beautiful for my granddaughter . ) I will keep all of the cooking blogs because that is where I get inspiration to fix meals that are not the same over and over and over - again foods that we usually have . I don 't get any answers to " what do you want to have to eat ? " anymore , so I need some inspiration from somewhere . I also love Pinterest for this as well . Mommy - blogs are making me want to puke . ( Sorry mommy - blogs , but I speak bluntly ) . I am a grandmother . I am raising two of my grand kids . And I don 't need any motherly advice from a generation of women who want to smother and coddle their kids . If I read one more self - righteous post entitled something like " I saw you today on your cell phone while your daughter was trying so hard to get your attention " I think I will seek you out and choke the life from your blog . You are not perfect . And I am not perfect . And you should not be sitting in judgement of other mothers . We should support each other . There isn 't a book to teach you how to be a mom . And no matter how hard you try , or how right you think you are , sometimes they grow up and become criminals or drug addicts anyway . And I sure don 't need to feel like I did something wrong along the way . So good - bye all you mommy know - it - all 's . And I will keep blogs that make me laugh . Cause , only God knows , how much I need to laugh . Humor in a post once in awhile is good for all of us . Right ? I feel like sometimes all I do is whine and cry about how hard my life is and I want to go out there and find others who feel the same way that I do . Life is hard . And I need to seek out you gals who think so too , but make me laugh about it . I am going to keep all of my friends . So don 't worry Cristy , Wendy , Lisa , Allison , Elaine , Goodnight Gram , Myra , Lisa , and Elena . I hope I didn 't leave anyone out . I need you guys . You lift me up and keep me going . Even if you didn 't realize it ! Also you two guys Mr . Snowbrush and Mr . My Daily Disaster I am keeping you guys too . Just because I haven 't found too many ' guy ' blogs that I enjoy like I do you two . There will be a couple of others that I will leave . . . . just because . But I am ready to clean house . Do you ever feel this way ? I think if you want to make yourself feel better than sometimes you just need to clean house ! I wonder how I ever raised two sons to full adulthood . We did not have car seats for them to be buckled into . Heck our cars didn 't even have seat belts installed . Sometimes I even held my infant baby on my lap while I drove the car . Can you imagine that ! More often than not , one of the boys sat on my lap and the other sat in the passenger seat next to me . He usually stood and chattered away at me as I drove . If I had to brake suddenly , I always threw my arm out to keep him from slamming into the front window . I still do that . Even though the person next to me is firmly belted into a shoulder harness . My boys walked or rode their bikes to school . We lived approximately a mile from their school . There was one really , busy street they had to cross . There was always a ' student ' school crossing guard at that corner . I worked night shift and my husband worked days . Many times he left before I got home and they had to get themselves off to school . It was the way most of the people in my generation did things . And I never heard of too many problems . Sure , once in awhile a kid would give himself a haircut before he went to school . Or there were a few brotherly fistfights that took place over breakfast . But otherwise all went okay . We only had one telephone in our house . And it was connected to the wall . If someone called you could stand next to the phone and talk . Later on we purchased a really long curly cord so that I could walk into the kitchen or the bathroom . Or even into the bedroom to break - up a battle over whose race car belonged to who . The kids didn 't get to talk on the phone . Or it was rare . They talked to grandma occasionally , but they both lived in the same town where we lived . So mostly we just visited them . Around the age of 12 my oldest son began to get phone calls from girls at school . They usually came during our supper time . So he always told them he couldn 't talk now . Never in a million years did I ever dream that one of my boys needed a cellphone . They hadn 't even been invented back then . From 1990 to 2011 world wide phone use grew from 12 . 4 million to 6 billion users . That is too much for me to even fathom . In 1990 my oldest son was 19 and he moved away from home . And had not yet been bitten by the cell - phone craze . My younger son purchased his own cell phone ( it was a pay as you go kind ) in his last year of high school . Now people are equipping their kindergartners with cell - phones ! What if they need to get a hold of mommy during the day ? Can you imagine . Or their 8 year old is spending the night next door and mom needs to ask her something . Viola . . . get her a cell phone . My boys rode bikes and skateboards and played soccer . They didn 't own helmets or shin guards . No one did ! The fell and hit their head . The skinned their knees . My youngest one even fell off the monkey bar and broke his arm . But he mended . We all mended . A band aid fixed everything . Kids are so over - protected now . I hear people who say " the world is so much worse than it was back then . " I don 't know if I really believe that . I think we just hear more about how bad the world is because we now have 24 - hour news available . And to fill all those hours the media needs to sensationalize everything . Kids have been walking to school or riding their bikes around town since like forever . I wonder what is going to happen to these kids when they leave home ? Will they know how to take care of themselves ? Will they be able to make a decision without calling mom on their cellphone ? Will they know what to do when something goes wrong ? Because right now mom and dad interfere with everything to make sure little Bobby or Susie are being treated fairly . My mom used to tell me when I was growing up : LIFE ISN ' T FAIR ! And she was right . It isn 't . Sometimes we just have to figure it out all by ourselves . I am not sitting here , in my ivory tower , trying to tell you that I know everything . Or that things were better back in the ' olden days ' ( even if I think it WAS simpler ) . And I sure did not raise two perfect kids . And both of my grandchildren have cell - phones so I can always get in contact with them . And I worry about them . And sometimes I interfere and try to make sure they are being treated fairly . But I tell myself almost daily to " lighten up . Let them figure it out . " I haven 't done a menu plan for a couple of weeks and it sure does make a difference in how our week goes . I hate having to come up with an idea for supper at the last minute . So I have my plan all ready to go . And . as usual , I will link up with The Organizing Junkie 's Menu Plan Monday . I get so many great ideas by browsing around other people 's posts . So here goes : I have a new blogging friend who blogs at Goodnight Gram 's Blog . Tonight I was at her blog reading some old posts of hers ( I like to do that to better get to know my new friends ) when I came across a post that referred to this You Tube Video . I can guarantee you that a tear or two might have fallen from my eyes . And Wendy , my friend from A Day in the Life on the Farm , I thought about you and your mom . Sometimes these lessons can come back to haunt us . Tonight Richard will get some extra good - night kisses . . . . . . It is time for Five Minute Friday . I will link up with Lisa - Jo . I am not feeling much today . Just tired . Heavy . Sad . So I don 't promise much . Our Word this week is : Garden Today my garden lies covered in snow . My garden is much like my heart feels today . Heavy and dead . I don 't know why I almost always feel this way on Valentine 's Day . The weather is gray and so is my mood . I try to be light . Light like a feather blowing on the cold wind that promises spring is around the corner . I cannot find a light . It is just that tiny speck at the end of a very long tunnel . I don 't feel much like hearts and flowers today . I had all of that in my much younger years . Those years before I really knew what love was all about . Those years when my garden was busy growing kids and relationships . When my hope was still filled with romance and the days to come . This is nothing new to me . I have these days . I know , though , that spring will come . And my garden will be filled with blooms and today will be forgotten . The ' crazies ' are here I never know what will bring about the night ' crazies ' , as I call them . Our day can go along beautifully . Richard can be oriented and peaceful and then WHAM . . . the crazies come out . Tonight is one of those nights . We went through the entire routine leading up to bedtime . We soaked his foot . His toe doesn 't look like it is getting any better . We will see what the Hospice nurse thinks on Friday . She was supposed to come today but I had to cancel . A certain teenage girl , who lives here , forgot to tell me she had a detention ( for being late to class ) and would miss her bus ride home . This meant that grandma had to pick her up . Right at the same time that we had scheduled our Hospice visit . Anyway , I am a bit off track . He had his ice cream and then his sleeping pill and other bedtime pills . Got him all tucked into bed and kissed good - night . Then . . . . . . . . . . " honey , my pants are up the crack of my ass . " This from a man , who before his stroke , never said any cuss words . So I went and fixed his pj 's for him . And kissed him good night ! Then . . . . . . . . . . " honey , that tube has come out of my penis . " So I get up and check and reassure him that the catheter is right where it needs to be . And kissed him good - night . Then . . . . . . . . . " honey , I know I am being a pain but why is that white car in the driveway ? " Now we haven 't had any kind of car in our driveway for more than a week because we have about 13 inches of wet , heavy snow in that driveway . And it is pitch black outside . And there is NOT a white car in the driveway . And I reassured him and kissed him good night . Please , dear Lord , don 't let this go on all night . I have to get to bed now . And kiss him good night . . . . again ! So What . . . We love the Olympics . Don 't you ? I can 't decide which is my favorite , the summer or the winter ? But we always watch . Especially opening and closing nights . This year in Sochi , Russia was awesome , even though if the announcers had not been explaining what was going on I am sure that I wouldn 't have had a clue . So What . . . If Shaun White didn 't win another Gold Medal . He is still going to be known as the greatest snow boarder of his era . And didn 't that Russian - born , Iouri , look fabulous on the Pike ? Congrats go to Iouri ! So What . . . Would it make me less American if I really want to see Tatiana Volosozhar Maxim Trankov win . They are mesmerizing to watch . I love Americans Chalie White and Merly Davis . But secretly I am rooting for the Russians . So tell me do you love the Olympics ? Do you have any favorites . With all that has been going on here I have forgotten to share Harley 's Birthday pictures . Her birthday was last Tuesday . The day of our big snow . School was canceled and she was devastated . Middle school girls make a ' big deal ' out of other girls birthdays at school . School was also out on Wednesday . So by the time she went back to school the girls ( who all have short attention spans ) had forgotten about her birthday . Then on Saturday , when her Uncle and cousin came we celebrated again . This time she invited another friend and they had a sleep - over . I am not sure why they call it that . There isn 't much sleeping going on . They played Rock Band and watched movies and played the Wii . They ate and ate . And had Blind Makeovers ( where the person putting the make - up on the other person wears a blindfold . ) They had a good time . |
Frankly , I really don 't have anything to write about . I mean , I do , but they are all uninteresting . Like when a guy in the institute building said " Howdy , howdy ! " to me as he walked by and I was caught off guard so I was just like " Guh - - " ( Thinking he was going to ask " how are you " and being sadly surprised and mistaken ) or just now when I unplugged my head phones and Tech N9ne was blasting in the silent computer lab at a slightly profane part . Or maybe that I discovered that you can see through a crevice of my window into my room from outside , making me very fearful that some innocent bystanders have seen some of my underwear dance parties . But other than that , literally I got nothing . But I want to write . So here I am . This week has been rough . Filled with voluntary 2 hour work outs ( say what you will about my time management but I have kissed 8 pounds of fat away in the past month so . . . ha ! ) , social welfare agency visits ( That I procrastinated badly considering next week is the last week of school ) , having strangers text me incessantly to accompany on such visits since we all procrastinated , writing papers , doing work sheets , discussion readings and posts , a talk for sacrament meeting , cramming in early morning grocery store trips via public transportation and a sociology final . I 've just wanted to crawl into a hole . ( Preferably one filled with these protein bars that trick me into thinking I 'm eating candy ) . Or like , go home . Home - home . To G - town . But , I miss him really a lot . So what else can I do after I have watched Letters to Juliet , The Lucky One , Dear John , Footloose and Safe Haven all within the past week and want my own Charlie , Logan , John , Ren and Alex ? ( And you all wondered why I didn 't have a social life . Actually , that probably never even crossed your mind . ) But anyways , I want to write about Chase because really struck gold when it comes to him . ( and I wasn 't even digging because I kind of planned on being a little bit of a slut my freshman year of college ) . For those of you who don 't know , we 've basically in a long distance relationship for our entire relationship . The only times we 've really been together while being " together " were my breaks from school and like a month of summer beforehand . And that 's it . We 've talked every single day , without fail , my entire 2 semesters at school . And when everyone says , " that sucks that you 're in a long distance relationship " . However , whenever anyone says that , I think the opposite . I mean , what is more cool than a guy being 800 miles away from you for months at a time and stays completely loyal , who talks to you every day , is there to call when you 're sad , or calls you when he knows you are sad but are being too stubborn to ask for help , make you laugh or smile and anything else . This kid actually likes me ! And that is mega weird for the girl who before going to school contemplated majoring in " Third - wheeling " . ( seriously though , I am the best if you need a cop out or a tag along for a pity date . I may have an actual business plan for this . ) He is my best friend in every sense of the word and continues to inspire me and encourage me everyday , while also being my number one distraction from all school work . ( It 's all about balance right ? ) Anyways , he came into my life right when I needed it most and nothing makes me more joyful and grateful than that . He keeps me grounded with his always reliable , sometimes semi - brutal honesty , while I continue to set up camp on Cloud 9 . 2 . ) I lived in an apartment , connected to a dentist office with Korean people living above and below me who love to cook weird foods and sing Taylor Swift while in the shower . ( I hear it from my kitchen ) . As well as some creepy dude who takes his morning smokes . I lived with a psycho druggie roommate and a Korean and then ended up living in a empty apartment all to myself . 7 . ) I think I have only ever opened my text books while studying for an exam . Like the week before . Or night before . Or day of . Or on my way to that class . 8 . ) I had to go to the computer lab in the harsh winter nights of December . I decided against it and missed ^ online assignments . # whoops # arizonagirlstruggles 15 . ) I never made friends sitting next to people in class , but my boxercise class has made me a lot of good friends that I get to act stupid with . For example , dance around the gym acting like seals and sky dancers ( if you remember that 90 's toy I applaude you ) with kick - catching mitt thingies . ( There is no maturity ) . All in all , it has been one . . . . interesting year to say the least . Things definitely didn 't go as planned , but I know that at the very least , I had a few things ( Particularly 4 , 16 , and 23 ) that turned out better than I ever would have expected . That doesn 't go to say that I will miss it here , because valley winds , cold , long distance relationships and being lonely for a better part of my time , is not my cup of chocolate milk . ( chocolate milk in my favorite . Tea sucks . ) So , um , when is Utah going to stop pranking me ? April fools is over and so is winter . Officially even so WHY is it literally storming outside with fluffy white sadness falling from the sky ? Yes , I did refer to snow as sadness . I am sad . So very sad . Being in 70 degree weather in Arizona really threw me off . So , I haven 't blogged in a while because I am too busy enjoying life ! Took a 2 week long spring break ( which was THE BEST BREAK YET ) , missed a good 9 class periods , and then spent the next few weeks catching up , preparing for exams , taking exams , missing an exam on accident , going to a ballet by myself and almost being stranded at the theater and oh so much more . You can skip through if you really want to get to the better parts , but I 'm going to break down the highlights into sections . Enjoy ! ( or not . you are free person . if you are reading this while in America at least ) Alright , so here I am bragging again , but um , how can I not ? I nabbed a real gem and I am proud of it . My boy , Chase Gilmore , is the greatest , moral of the story . The moral doesn 't typically come first , but this will prepare you . I flew home from Salt Lake on a Tuesday night . It was my first time ever flying by myself , so that was an adventure in and of itself . I can 't tell you how many time I had to ask for help , despite flying about 10 times beforehand . But I somehow made it Phoenix unscathed and ready for my break . I called Chase ( who was picking me up from the airport ) and I got that familiar feeling of my heart racing and getting excited to see him again . But that was kind of ruined by this psycho lady who was controlling the traffic and the curb pick up . Really , she was an ornery , cranky woman who just waddled around waving and yelling at people , while putting herself in danger by putting herself in front of cars . I was intrigued and entertained by this to no end , until he rolled up with that huge " Sundown Audio " decal on his windshield . He picked me up and we immediately went out to eat at a restaurant in Phoenix . ( we are suh fancy ) Right as we were seated , I noticed this cute see - through box on the table that had the salt and pepper inside it . I made a comment about how cute it was and how I wanted to steal it so I had a place to put my salt and pepper . Chase then grabbed it , took out the things inside of it and slide it onto his lap underneath the table . I just figured he was going along with my joke and laughed , but then he slid it back to me . I kind of pushed it away since I didn 't want our waiter to think I was going to actually steal it or anything , but Chase pushed it towards me again . I kind of pushed it back again , but as I did , I saw something inside it . A deck of cards . " You got it ! " I was so happy . A couple days before I had sent him a deck of cards , each one saying something on it that I loved about him . 52 things I love about Chase . He had never told me he had got it , so I was so excited that it showed up in the mail before I had gotten into town . He told me to look again . Around the deck , holding it together were these elastic bracelets that he had had his brother make for me that I was really excited about . But uponSo break went on , and although Chase worked most days , I saw him EVERY SINGLE DAY . We went out to eat , ate at home , went to Jesters , watched the finale of Breaking Bad ( it was our thing that bonded us over summer ) , took naps upon naps , worked on his car , watched movies , got froyo , got scared out of our pants by some freaks on the road while we were trying enjoy said froyo and more . I actually got to see a few girl friends this time and get my nails done , go tanning , go shopping , which I hadn 't done in months so that was fun , too . Arizona is just the place to be , man ! I am never excited to come back to Logan , and this time was not an exception . But this time I kept the tears in until I was in my apartment because I was took busy holding on for dear life on that flight to Ogden . Seriously , we were on a sketchy plane ( flying Allegiant ) and the wind was blowing like I was landing in the eye of a tornado in Kansas . Okay , not really , but turbulence was something I had never experienced and me being terrified by airplanes as it is , I was not a fan . I also was not a fan of this puny little airport that had no food except vending machines . So my nutritious meal was a Reese 's peanut butter cup until I got home at 7 that night . ( my flight was at 1 ) . So , once I got back to the old grind , I spent two weeks catching up . Doing all things school related and spending the weekends playing my guitar in solitude or watching movies on my own . It sounds depressing . . . but its not because I 'm used to it ! Haha college has destroyed my ability to be social . But I am not kidding . Here is an example . My friend Jess had called me earlier in the week for my to accompany her at her boyfriend 's band concert ( performance ? idk ) . ( By the way , the band 's name is the Immodest Socks and her boyfriend plays the banjo . Which is awesome ) Anyways , before the show , we met some up with some of her boyfriend 's friends which she had already known , but I hadn 't met before . They got on the topic of only coming to Logan to go on Tinder dates . Which , started mine and Jessica 's mocking of Tinder for the entire night . It was basically the theme of giving this one guy a hard time about his Tinder dates . Tinder , for some of you older folk , is an app that shows you people in your area and you decide if you think they are attractive or not . If you do , and that goes through a list of people and find you attractive as well , you get a " match " . If you get a match , then you can start a conversation with this person . But only if you both find each other attractive does that make sense ? Anyway , it 's supposed to be like online dating , but college students use it as a tool to meet girls and make out with them , yada , yada , yada . It has that stigma to it , and almost everyone has a bad , strange , funny or scary experience with it . EVERYONE . Including me . But , I 'll get to that later . So , we had been with one of Jessica 's boyfriend Steve 's friends before the show , because the other one was with a girl he was on a date with . So after the show we were all together talking , and someone brought up something about Tinder . So , I went off making fun of it again . Dancing around and singing " It 's going down , I 'm yelling TINDERRRR " . Well , apparently the guy who we hadn 't been with for the majority of the night , ( the one who was currently on a date with a girl ) had found her on TINDER . So I wasn 't paying attention , but I guess the guy had motioned to Jess that he had met this girl on Tinder as we started to make fun of it in front of the both of them , so she stopped . But no , not me , I just kept going . Completely clueless . Poor girl . How 's that for an attention grabbing title ? But it actually fit the situation . Now , I never wrote about this , because A . ) I felt like an idiot B . ) it was embarrassing C . ) it was so stupid of me and D . ) I hadn 't fully recovered from when I had to tell Chase about it , even though at the time we weren 't " officially official " . But it is a good story nonetheless , so I will share . So , this was around Halloween time . It had been weeks since I had seen Chase , and still about a month before I would see him again . So , that was depressing in itself , but I also had zero friends . No one to call when I was bored and no one to really talk to . I had my crazy roommate , but I kind of avoided her at all costs , and my Korean roommate was always gone anyways until like 1 in the morning . So there is the back story of my desperation for any human contact besides my brother 's friends whom I was convinced only ever invited me because Chet made them . So fast forward to the Howl . this huuuuge party we have on campus for Halloween . Costumes , dancing , a live band , the whole shabang . College students come from all over Utah to come to this apparently . I had bought tickets to go with my brother 's / my friends , but it was still hours away . So I got ready . ( which was me dressing up , looking like the lamest cowgirl you had ever seen since my costume was so last minute ) . So I got ready and was just sitting around my apartment waiting fro the time to pass . As I was laying on my couch , I was on my iPod just going about my social media , when I had remembered hearing a lot about an app called Tinder . I had never heard of it until I got to college . So I went to the app store and got it . I figured it out , put a picture of myself and started scrolling through the people . I wasn 't looking for anyone to date , but I was just wanting to know what everyone was talking about . I liked some people , disliked others , with no intention of meeting people or anything . So I passed the time and went to the Howl . Afterwards , I came home ready for and I saw that I had a notification from a match on Tinder . I messaged back ( the second mistake , the first being that I made an account in the first place ) and had a short conversation with the guy , that we will call " S " . S went to Utah State as well , so we talked about school , majors , where he lived in proximity to campus , where I lived , where he was from , whether or not he went to the Howl , what weSO . We got inside and I sat down on the couch , expecting him to do the same . He looked around at my kitchen and my ugly apartment , before he said " I want to see your room " and darted down the hallway before I could say a word . ( REDFLAG ! REDFLAG ! REDFLAG ! ) I chased after him . " Which bed is yours ? " I didn 't even answer , I just said " Okay , you 've seen my room , now GET OUT ! " He sits down on my bed and makes himself at home . I was PISSED . I started to be extremely rude and sassy . He tried to ask me questions , but I was like " I 'm not saying anything until you leave my room . " He didn 't budge . So I continued to be snarky to him and unbelievably sarcastic . Not even phased . He sat on my bed and talked to me while I stood in the doorway , arms folded glaring at him . He started to tell me about his life fro the next half hour or so , so I let my guard down and started thinking that he wasn 't so bad after all . Laura was in the next room , the door was wide open , and Christine should be back ANY minute . So , I warmed up enough to him that I sat down on the bed on the opposite side . My back was against the wall , my arms were folded as he continued to tell me about moving a lot since his dad was in the military , him serving a mission in South America for 6 months , then coming home early because he didn 't believe in the church anymore . It was interesting , so I mellowed out even more . I told him about my life , my boyfriend ( which I was VERY clear about ) and my crappy college experience . I lightened up and started to have a good time with my new friend but that came to an abrupt stop when out of nowhere , he put his hand up the leg of my pants to see if I had hairy legs . ( Which I did , but that is besides the point . ) I went to go push his hand away but he grabbed my wrist , I looked at him , half puzzled half angry , when he grabbed my other one . I tried to pull away but he was just looking me in the eyes saying : " Cortney , you 're so adorable . I have had a great time tonight , and I know I said that I wouldn 't try anything , but I feel like we have a real connection . And I feel like you want to kiss me as much as I want to kiss you . " Me : ( in my head ) ' where the freak is Christine ! ? ! ? ! ' Me : " YES " ( remember , he is still holding both of my wrists so I am almost defenseless . In an AWFUL position . I didn 't know if I should scream for Laura or what . I was freaking out . ) He kissed me mid - sentence . Tried to even go for the make out . I pulled out my Napoleon Dynamite techniques of " breaking the wrist and walking away " , except I broke the wrist and jumped off my bed . On his way out , he tries to apologize saying things like " I 'm sorry ! it 's been over a year since I kissed anyone ! " and other stupid excuses , and I " m just like " I don 't care . You 're a rapist ! You 're disgusting , LEAVE ! " He keeps trying to defend himself as I am shooing him out the door , but I would have none of it . I probably overreacted but , I was mad . I just wanted a friend . So there you have boys and girls ! Tinder is no bueno unless you want stories and horrific experiences ! So it can be fun ! Its all up to you ! I only had mine for a total of 5 hours ! The possibilities are endless ! Lately , my life has been rather un - bland . Which is good . However , reading this may make you feel like I am bland . Proceed with caution . Let me start off wayyy back to February 14 . Aka , the completely adorable side to my life . Because let me tell , most of it is not . I am a walking train wreck most days of the week . True story . But this day is particular was so cute so I must brag . It was the day Chase was to arrive in Utah . I was sitting at the second floor of the student center , right next to the windows , looking downward at where the Salt Lake Express would drop him off , literally on the verge of pooping my pants . That 's gross , but for real , I was freaking the crap out . My heart was beating a million times a minute and I 'm pretty sure I was sweating gallons . After what felt like a decade , the big red van with rainbow colored stars pulled up and I leaped off the chair , opened the nearest door and ran down those steps like an Olympian . He was the first one out the door and I didn 't know whether to full on sprint or just calm myself down and only jog . I slow jogged right to that curly - headed , brightly grinning boy and attacked him with the biggest bear hug and ( mom don 't look ) kiss you ever did see . JUST LIKE A MOVIE . ( Because PDA doesn 't matter on Valentine 's Day . Or in movies ) . As I was in the midst of it all , I heard people behind me " awh " ing and " that is so cute " ing . I loved every minute of it . And that was just the VERY beginning of the 4ish days we had together . Which were equally as great since we filled it with lots of good ( some even incredible food ) food , a trip to the temple , movies in my apartment , a basketball game , a picnic , long walks through Logan , and all the cute stuff couples do . ( Minus all the snow stuff I wanted to do because Utah ruined those for me ) . I didn 't want it to end . The next weekend though , I was down in Salt Lake enjoying time with friends watching the extended version of all the Lord of the Rings movies in Jess 's home theater , eating sweets out the wahzoo . It was so much fun . just hanging out and NOT being in Logan . It was supposed to be a weekend long event , but Chet and I had to dip early for our cousin 's farewell that Sunday . Chet , being the meanie he had been all that weekend ( volunteering me for things I didn 't want to do and saying / showing people things to make me look stupid ) continued to be a poop and when we were getting in the car to leave with the guy who we barely knew who was driving us back , he " so graciously " gave me the front seat so I would have converse with the driver and make the 2 hour drive as un - awkward as possible . Freaking kid . The next day Nicole 's farewell was bright and early . We were being picked up at 8 : 30 , and it wasn 't until I woke up to my alarm that morning just how bad of an idea it was to leave the party at Midnight . And to eat my body weight in popcorn . Man , I was feeling it . Chet ended up NOT waking up ( shocker ) so I flew solo with our Uncle Nolan to the church . The meeting was going as normal until the youth speaker spoke . Which , from the beginning was normal . It wasn 't until he turned pale and eyes rolled back that I realized there was a problem . He fainted . He straight up fainted right at the pulpit . People caught the poor kid who was either 14 or 15 ) but the roar of gasps that came from the congregation came over me like a wave and it almost made me literally crack up . Which is awful , because at this point , we had no idea if he was okay . SO , as he fell , some dude came running up ( I learned later on that he was a doctor ) and literally picked the kid up like a baby and ran out of the chapel with him in his arms . And then it was Nicole 's turn to take the microphone . It was a tough act to follow , so luckily she did such a good job . My life went back to its bland reality of paying a dollar a pop for laundry , my teacher overhearing my groups ' plans to ditch class , playing my guitar or with my iPad instead of studying , giving the wrong answers to study group questions , and not getting ready for the day . Until today I took a step back to realize things I hadn 't before . People in Utah are NICE . Like , extremely . Early on , I was so weirded out by the people and how different they were in the ways they dressed , acted , jokes they made , etc . But , it wasn 't until I stopped noticing those things that I realized how genuinely kind they are . For example , I can 't tell you how many times in the day I say thank you to someone opening the door for me , or students offering other students scantrons THE WE HAVE TO PAY FOR on the exam day when other students forget , or a random girl at the grocery store today who saw me walking to the bus and offered me a ride home . ( Yeah , I got in the car with a stranger . Something people probably advise strongly against at ASU or anywhere else I would have gone if I had stayed in Utah ) . It 's amazing . People write each other notes ( in my ward ) , ask you how you are doing AND CARE to know the answer . I talked to so many people today and learned so much about them and told them so much about me , and I absolutely loved it . I 'm just mad it took me this long to realize this . I think it may be the high density of LDS people at this place , and I can say that I have never been so proud to be a member of something as I was today thinking about this . These things can really brightens up someone 's day , and they are the LITTLEST things but are done so consistently . Utah State finally takes a well - deserved win in that department . So this week has been weird . Like , what else is new , right ? So , Friday I come back to my apartment in between classes to make myself lunch or whatever , and there 's a note on my counter . I looked it over and it said something about being in town and getting Laura 's stuff . I just had skimmed the practically illegible handwriting , So I just assumed Laura still had her key and that her and her boyfriend had rented a car and came back to pick up her stuff ! like she told me she was going to . Well , after I came back a couple hours later , and expected to see Laura around , she wasn 't . I retread the note and realized it was written by Laura 's grandma who didn 't have a key to our apartment . So , she just let herself in , instead of leaving the note on my front door . Granted , I should have probably not left my door unlocked but it still freaked me out . The next day there was knock on my door and it was Laura 's grandpa , grandma , aunt and uncle . Her grandma came up and gave me a big hug and before I even told everyone to come in , they helped the , sleeves and started cleaning up her room and taking her stuff out . So I just stayed in my room until they were leaving . As they were about to go , they commented on my shopping cart and were laughing saying " who stole the shopping cart ? It was Christine wasn 't it ( my old Korean roommate ) ? " I kind of scoffed and was like " uh , no , that would be Laura " . They were astonished . " She pushed that thing all the way up the hill ! ? ! ? " Then her grandpa made comments like " that girl is so strange " her grandma was defending Laura but I had to leave the room to keep from laughing . So they took he shopping cart back for me and now I am completely alone , with no evidence of a roommate other than the strange aroma of her room and the red hair dye on her carpet . So , Monday rolled around and I embarrassed myself being the fool I am . In sociology that day , a guy had come into class late , sat down right next to me ( since I was in he seat nearest to the aisle ) and immediately pulled out his laptop and earbuds and watched the Olympics . No notes . No attention paid anywhere elsewhere . Just on the Olympics . I was taking notes feverishly , since we had a lot of information to cover , but I kept getting distracted watching the skiers . 15 minutes before class ended , he got up and left . So , later on that night , I went to a study group that a TA has for our class to study he material for our exam this coming Friday . Pat one point , we started to talk about alignment actions ( excuses , justification , aplogys , disclaimers ) and one is called motive talk , where you basically say why you do something . ( Ex : I go snowboarding because it 's fun ) we had to come up with one to share with the person next to us . So I turned to the guy next to me and said " I have a real life one from class today ! I couldn 't pay attention , because the guy next to me was watching the Olympics all hour so I was distracted " but then as he laughed I went in and said " and then he left early ! I couldn 't even figure out why he went to class in the first place ! " My have a big mouth and a loud voice , so the guy 2 rows in front of me turns around and was like " hey , that was me ! You were sitting next to me ! " I froze . I felt my face heat up , but I tried to play it off and be like " oh my gosh , I 'm talking crap about you literally behind your back ! " I laughed but there is no way people didn 't see the embarrassment that flushed my skin and then turned it redder than my lifeguard hoodie I had on . Moral of the story : I have a big mouth not only physically , but metaphorically as well . Yesterday , yet another strange and terrifying thing happened . I went to class , came home after Zumba to shower and get ready for my next class . After my shower , I was walking to my room , and noticed my roommate 's door was shut . I had had it wide open for the past few days , I opened it and relaized that gye beds that had once been pushed next tie another by the closet doors , we 're not separated against the opposite wall . I FREAKED . I didn 't know if Laura 's grandma had come back to clean up or if I had gotten a new roommate or if the bank came in to clean up the stuff since she wasn 't living there , I STILL don 't know . So I RAN TO my room , and locked the door behind me . I was so scared luckily I wouldn 't be alone that night in case it was demons that moved my bed or something . Yesterday I had a rather fortunate turn in events , as I got a random texts from my good friend Ashlee who goes to BYUI . She was heading to Logan with a friend for something and asked if she could spend the night at my apartment . So , she did . We partied from 7 to 2 in the morning talking about how much we both hate college , about old memories , her missionary and my boyfriend and then about people we had a mutual dislike for , and then got froyo late at night at it was just awesome . It 's probably one of my favorite memories from college thus far . We laughed until our cheeks hurt and until I snorted and made people give us strange looks . I needed that . In just over a week , my boyfriend Chase is coming up to Logan to spend Valentine 's Day with me and not even I can fathom how excited I am for this . So , in celebration of this , ( since I have been waiting for an entire agonizing month for this ) I wrote a song . Which , is a miracle . Honestly . I have sat down and tried with all my might to try and write songs before this , and nothing happened . Yet when I was studying , and picked up my guitar during one of my breaks , the song just flowed wonderfully and I kicked out an entire song . Though it 's nothing special , I 'm really proud of myself for finally being able to do this and I wanted to share it . Besides , what kind of typical white girl would I be if I didn 't post a singing / guitar playing video ? Perhaps what makes me less basic is that I look like a total slob and that I put the camera at an angle that makes me look even worse . But it was late at night . Also I am aware that I suck at guitar , but in my defense I just learned how to play it last semester . And don 't mind all these disclaimers . I wanted to post it in the safest environment possibile for my self conscious tendencies , and I figure that they only people who read my blog are people that actually like me so I 'd be safe from all the HATERS . ( Tho h8rs R my motiv8rz ! Lulz ) So without any further adu : Here We Go by yours truly ! So , I feel like I need to give a little back story to this so you understand the song in its true essence . This summer , Chase and I had what I guess you could call a " fling " but I knew I was going off to college as well as he did , so I didn 't expect much to come from it . But things just fell into place , even though our first kiss was HORRENDOUS ( I take the blame for that . In my defense , I was caught off guard and hadn 't kissed anyone in a year and a half sooo ) . So anyways , the day came that I was to leave , and as Chase drive me to my house , I was looking out the window trying to hold in tears and not succeeding . I was partially excited to start my college adventure , but leaving was hard because I really liked him . REALLY . I expected things to fall apart , but they didn 't . They actually improved , since separation makes you really appreciate someone and everything they have done for you . Things got better and better . I was surprised since we were 800 miles apart and people always claim that long distance doesn 't work . But we were constantly proving that wrong . I have been living alone for 2 weeks exactly right now . . . I was apprehensive at first , a little scared , ( the first night even the tiniest of noises were so spooky to me ) but now , I absolutely love it . Everything is cleaner , quieter , and just all around better . No one to bug me with the noise of watching " I Love Lucy " in the front room , no scratching my DVDs , dirtying my grill , NOTHING . And I don 't have to wear pants . Do you understand me ? I DO NOT EVER have to wear pants if I don 't want to . WHAT COLLEGE AGE PERSON HAS THIS FREEDOM ? Very few , folks , very few . I am taking advantage of it . It 's too much information , but there 's just something liberating about being able to walk from room to room STARK naked . It 's too wonderful for words . The only downfall of it all is I don 't feel the need to keep things clean for other people , so I leave my things all over the house . Backpack on the couch , iPod on the table , shoes in the front room , clothes on the bathroom floor . It never gets too bad , but no one comes over anyways so even if it did , it still wouldn 't be a problem . I still also struggle with my bus rides . ALL I WANTED was to go to walgreens to pick up photo prints , um , I ended up in Idaho . Okay , not really , but almost . The walgreens is maybe 2 mikes or so from where I live , but I took the wrong bus ( amateur mistake ) and went so far up north that is took me OVER AN HOUR to get back to the transit center from where I walked to walgreens . It was bitter cold , too , as always . Also , today , I needed DESPERATELY to get food . My class was cancelled so I took a 9 : 00 bus trip to the grocery store and bought $ 80 worth of food . I crammed my backpack to the very top but my bags were still uncomfortably heavy . I left the store and realized it was snow storming outside . Luckily the bus was outside waiting for me so I hoped on instantly . But , I had never been in the bus this early in the morning . And it got PACKED . I 'm talking standing room only type stuff . So I crammed my groceries under my seat to be courteous to others , but as I got up , my bag got caught and ripped a huge gash in my bag . I got off the bus and maneuvered the bag in such a way that the contents wouldn 't fall out . So here I am , walking a fourth mile to my apartment in the snow , while it 's currently snowing , trying to avoid slipping on ice and keep my food inside the ripped bags which are HEAVY , with sore arms from my work out the day prior . Not a good way to start my day . But then I made healthy muffins that were tasty so it brought my day back up . So , my exercise classes that are just as interesting as my life gets nowadays . And I haven 't talked about them yet . Sooooo here we go ! Monday and Wednesday I signed up for kickboxing , but got BOXERCISE . Our teacher is this short guy ( I 'm talking 5 ' 3 " ) with gray hair and crazy eye brows who looks Asian but I guess isn 't , and told us today that he used to be able to do wall splits . So there 's that . Anyways , it 's basically , boxing and karate mixed together , and instead of the aerobic exercise class I planned for , it 's basically combat lessons . The first day we even pulled out the boxing gloves . A lot of girls dropped since it obviously wasn 't the aerobic kick boxing class we were all expecting , but it decided to stick it out . I mean , I get to punch people and learn roundhouse kicks so I 'm not complaining . Even though I look so stupid doing all of it . It 's so funny because our teacher is always saying " so if you get in a street fight . . . " No . We are in Logan , Utah . The only fight you 're going to get into is fight the ice while scraping it off your windshield . But even funnier is people watching in that class . It is FULL of odd balls that take it soooo seriously . I just laugh at them . Openly . My other exercise class is Zumba . Oh mama . That kicks my butt . First of all , my instructor is this cute little tan girl and is THE typical white girl . Always wears PINK by Victoria Secret , leggings , and Uggs until she changes into her bright Nike 's . And I have a total girl crush on her . But more in the " I want to be her " kind of way . But anyways , she is always late . It 's hilarious . One time she came in and was like " class is cancelled today because I 'm going to the hospital right now " her face was all puffy because she was having an allergic reaction . She found out it was to the glue from her eyelash extensions . Haha . Then a couple days later she got pulled over on her way to teach class and was just about 15 minutes late . But she teaches all us Momos to dance provocatively , so it 's chill . I 'm Cortney with no " u " . I 'm 20 years old , trying to live in my parents house and be independent at the same time . I attended Utah State University as a freshman , but came back to Arizona because my heart is here . I 'm your typical white girl , a froyo addict , wanna - be fitness junkie , basshead 's girlfriend , Spongebob quoter , and professional laugher . And , of course , I am a Mormon . View my complete profile |
Happy birthday ! Hard to believe you 're a teenager today . Though now that you are taller than me , maybe it shouldn 't be that hard to believe . As I look back on your life so far , I am filled with immense pride and joy . After all , it is somewhat ironic . For the first part of our marriage , Mom and I never really considered having kids . It wasn 't for us . Or so we thought . Thankfully , over time , our opinions changed . And , while there was definitely a time when we couldn 't imagine ourselves as parents , it 's certainly safe to say now that we couldn 't imagine ourselves not as parents . We are so thankful and blessed for the joy you and Erin have brought into our lives . And it 's those moments , Aidan , or at least some of them , that I 'd like to share with you for your birthday . For the next few minutes , I want you to read about moments in your life that I remember well - for whatever reason . And , I 'll try to tell you what those reasons are as we go through the list . Sometimes the reasons are obvious . Sometimes not so much . In honor of you reaching the teenage years , I 've got 13 things to share with you . It certainly could have been a longer list . So many options ! But , alas , because you turn 13 today , I thought that was a good number to start with . Here goes ! I saw an ad in the paper today for the " Day out with Thomas " event down in Essex . It brought me back to your early years so quickly ! How you loved Thomas the Tank Engine ! We watched the show all the time ! We took you to Essex to see Thomas years ago . And , Aidan , you loved to build tracks . We had so many of the engines and so much track . ( We still have them , in fact , because Mom refuses to let them go ! ) You would take such good care of those engines , lining them all up in so many different ways . Just like you would build tracks . You would always try to use all the pieces we have ( and you usually did ! ) . There was a period of time where track was set up in our living room for months on end . And , to be honest , sometimes I wish we could take out the track and build one - just like we used to do all the time . When you weren 't building tracks and running engines , you were working on puzzles . If the floor wasn 't covered with track , it was covered with puzzles ( and sometimes both ! ) . Sometimes you would have 10 or 12 puzzles out , completed and decorating the floor . The ones I remember vividly were the state puzzles . You learned your states by doing puzzles . That was always fun to watch . Even now , when you work on a puzzle , your brain just works differently than mine ( in a good way ! ) You may not know this , but I 've always been envious of your ability to solve puzzles . I love the holidays with you . And one of the main reasons why is our manger set . You know the significance of that in our family , the fact that it 's more than 50 years old . You know how much it meant to me when I would work with my Dad on putting it together every Christmas . For the past few years , you 've always been a great helper - especially bringing the wise men closer each day . However , this year , you really took to it in your own way , setting up so much of it with me just watching . You knew what you wanted to do , and it looked great . How could I complain ? You never met your Papa O . That frustrates me so much . But , what makes me happy are little things like working on the manger that help to establish that family connection . Speaking of family connections … . I 'll never forget how much you used to protect your sister when she was a newborn . No matter where we went , you had your big brother radar on - in a big way . You 'd be walking with Mom and me and someone would come up to the stroller to get a peak at your sister . You had other plans for those people . That 's because you would cover Erin in the stroller and not let anyone see her . Yes , it was rude , and we had to work around that , much to your chagrin . But , despite that , as I think back on it , those moments , for me , really show how much you cared about your sister then - and still care for her now . I know you don 't like to show emotion ( if at all ) , but you have started to show her more respect and love through your actions . And for that , we are grateful . Staying with the family connections theme for a bit , I used to smile so much when you 'd come to the cemetery with me when you were younger . You were so good there . Not only would you help me set up baskets at family graves , but you would also often fix the flags on the graves of veterans . And , you would also straighten up memorial baskets on other graves , too . I think you know the importance of the cemetery to me , so it gives me great pride when you help now , and when I think back of you fixing flags and baskets when you were much younger . Music has become such a part of your life . In fact , I think it 's appropriate that you 're playing in a concert tonight on your birthday . That trumpet is such a part of you , and I so love to hear you play . It 's been a pretty amazing journey to watch you progress so quickly in such a short period of time . I 'll never forget your first solo , Aidan . It was during the Christmas concert held at St . Pat 's . You performed When the Saints Go Marching In . And you were flawless . What you don 't know about that night is how much stress I was under - first of all because of the strike situation at work and secondly because my godfather was dying . It was a very hard time for me . But in that moment , at St . Pat 's , I was beaming with absolute pride and could forget about all the negative going on around me when you stood up and absolutely nailed your first solo ! The next two memories are about music , too . That 's what happens when it takes up so much of your life . The next solo you conquered was at the school Flag Day ceremony later that year . Sister Regina asked you to play during the ceremony organized by your fourth grade class . And play you did ! You did five songs , all while being the center of attention as the entire school population stood around you . It was an absolutely amazing moment for you , Aidan , one I still think about quite a bit as you continue this journey with band . Fast forward to seventh grade , and we are absolutely amazed ( and proud ! ) when you are asked to join the high school marching band . Mom and I didn 't know what to expect , and we 're not sure you did either . This was new to all of us , but you took it and made it such an important part of your life . You practiced so hard , and we were introduced to an amazing new culture , so much so that I can 't imagine not having band in our lives . I remember the moment from this year that made me the most proud . I bet it will surprise you because , in fact , it was a time when you weren 't even playing your instrument . At your home competition , you were chosen , as a seventh grader , to be one of the escorts for a visiting band . You did so with such pride and confidence . I know , I got to see you up close when I was working the gate and you brought the band to the field area . Nobody would have known you were in seventh grade . That 's part of what I 'll always remember , that and how you carried yourself that night . So impressed . And while you are already getting yourself familiar with life in high school , you know how important your time is at Sacred Heart School . When I think of you at SHS , I often think of Sister Regina . I know how special you were to her - and I know how special she was to you . She relied on your help so much . And you were always there to help her in any way possible . That 's such a commendable thing . When she needed something done , she came to you , just as many still do , but it was Sister Regina who first , I think , really got you focused on school pride . I know it was sad for you when she died , but I also know she made such an impression on you . I have no doubt you will always carry a part of her legacy with you . Because of all the work you did for Sister Regina , it has led me to jokingly refer to you as the Mayor of Sacred Heart from time to time . Obviously our whole family is involved with the school , but it 's clear how much the teachers rely on you for help . Mom and I hear this all the time , but we also see it when we are at events and you are always one of the last kids there . You are always focused on finding a way to help clean up or do something to make the school a better place . St . Michael 's was such an important part of my life , Aidan , that it gives me great pleasure to know you care so much for Sacred Heart . Sending you there was probably one of the best decisions Mom and I have ever made . Speaking of Sacred Heart , it 's been fun to see you involved as an altar server at church . You have become the go to man when it comes to this ! You seem to serve all the school masses , and you always do such a great job at regular Sunday masses . It 's clear to Mom and me that you take great pride in your work . You 've trained your sister and helped others learn more about it , too . We love hearing your interest in serving special masses like First Communion and Graduation . And your knowledge has paid off a few times when you 've known where some things are at church that Mom and I didn 't even know existed ! You are valued and respected there , and it makes us very proud . Things haven 't always been easy for you when it comes to health stuff . While you have been blessed with overall good health , you 've endured so many appointments surrounding your allergies and asthma . You 've had more ear infections and cases of bronchitis than anyone should ever have . You 've had two sets of stitches and an operation that you don 't remember . And , a few years ago , you were incredibly sick during the Easter season that required a not so pleasant trip to the ER and your first experience with a suppository . Through all of that , no tears . Just one tough kid . Tears , however , are the focus of this last memory , Aidan . You probably are thinking I 'm crazy to end this with a memory of you crying . But , I can 't help it . I have never been as proud of you as I was during that moment . It was just about a year ago . Mimi O passed away . She had been sick for a while . You knew that , and I think you understood it . I can remember you sitting next to her on her couch and helping her with iPad . She loved you so much . I 'll never forget , before you were born , Mimi O and Aunt Lynn drove to Backus in the middle of the night because they were so excited for your impending arrival . They ended up going home for the night and then coming back the next morning . Mimi O was so excited to meet you . And , when she passed , you were strong - until the funeral . As you know , I was a mess , crying virtually all the way through the service . I was so thankful that you cried . I felt you had been holding things in . You weren 't letting go any of your emotions in any way . And then , at the funeral , you were overcome . I was so proud of you . That took great strength to show that side of you . To show that your feelings were real . We tried to talk to you a few times about how you felt . You were never interested . But , at that moment , you showed us . And I 'm so glad you did . Don 't ever shy from your emotions , Aidan . They help determine who you are . That 's the thing about this , Aidan . You aren 't a kid any more . You are an incredible young man that gives us great pride every day . Sure , you give us frustration , too . That 's part of being a teenager . We understand that . You 've asked a lot lately why Mom and I are interested in certain aspects of your life , and why we care about certain things . As we 've told you , it 's because we care about you and we love you . All of these moments , all of these experiences , help build not just who you are , but who you will be . So much is ahead of you . So many experiences await you . So many opportunities . I can 't help but be excited for you and whatever adventure lies ahead . It 's been three weeks since " the real Jackie O " died . I knew I would get here eventually . Heck , based on some of the comments I 've had from a few of you , you knew I 'd get her eventually . I just didn 't think it would take this long . And , now that I 'm here , I 'm not sure I know exactly what to say . So for those of you looking forward to reading this , I hope I 'm not going to disappoint you . But then again , this isn 't about you . Or about me . In this case , it 's about her . And that 's what matters most . So that 's what I 'll talk about - at least for now . There will be plenty of time in the future for me to talk about other things . Stuff like , you know , how I 'm now a member of the " no living parent " club . Trust me , it 's not a club you want to join . I 'm not sure there 's one person who is happy to be a member of that club . I suppose you expected me to be here sooner because of all my previous writings about death . Afterall , I 've gotten to be pretty good at it . Again , not something I 'm proud of or something I 'm excited to be good at . It just means I 've had my fair share ( well , clearly fair isn 't the right word here ) of it to deal with . And this is how I 've dealt with it . Here . In this space . So why change now ? I guess that 's my point . Maybe I thought things had changed when Mom died . Maybe I didn 't need to be in this space . Well , doesn 't matter . Because here I am . And , well , here you are , too . And , by the way , thanks for that . When my Dad died 16 years ago , I wasn 't there . Renee and I were living in Vermont at the time . It was Super Bowl Sunday when my brother Tom called and said things " didn 't look good " and that we " should come home " as soon as possible . Dad had been sick . Hospice was involved . We knew we were getting close , but this happened fast . I had planned to go home that weekend , but he actually told me not to . So much for listening to your parents . We got things together as quickly as we could and got in the car for the drive home . We didn 't make it in time . Rather than be home with everyone else , I found out that my Dad died while in a phone booth in Greenfield , MA . We stopped for gas , and I called home to let them know our status . It was too late , my brother Tim said . Not being there floored me . Catholic guilt to the hilt . It took a long , long time for me to get over that . Therapy played a big part in that , too . It just really affected me - more than I would let on or acknowledge . The other thing that really bothered me - and had my head spinning for years - was something we learned after Dad died . One of the nurses told us that Dad wanted to write letters to each of us . Again , floored . I wish I hadn 't heard that . Because then I wouldn 't have spent so much time wondering what would have been in that letter . Never have I wanted so desperately to receive a letter . I wish , in hindsight , that I never knew he wanted to do that . First , I wasn 't there when Mom died . And I 'm OK with it . Honest . Here 's the thing . My sister and brother weren 't there either . Once we got hospice involved , we started a basically round - the - clock watch in her room . We had great support of family and friends , but of the three of us , we tried to be there as often as possible - ' just in case . ' In fact , in her last few days , those of us not there got the call to come down twice as ' things were close . ' But , the real Jackie O had other ideas . Despite there being times when I sat and prayed in her room and told her it was OK to go , that we were going to be OK , nothing . In fact , the last time I told her that was on Monday , June 13 , just before I left after covering the overnight shift . A few hours later , I was at work when my sister called . " It 's over , " she said . And three minutes later I was in the car en route to the nursing home . Even though my sister called me from there , she wasn 't there when Mom passed . And either was my brother . Mom had a plan . And it was clearly for none of us to be present when she passed . She wasn 't alone . She was with her best friend , who said the end was simple and peaceful . But after hearing stories and talking to people about these moments , I am absolutely convinced this was my Mom 's plan . My sister was en route . But she passed right before she got there . She spent her whole life trying never to burden her children with anything . And this was the last example of that . Not burdening us with being there in her final moments . Not having one of us there or two of us there . She did it her way . And would you really expect any different ? The other thing … . and this is what completely slayed me . The real Jackie O had everything set and ready for us . We knew what songs she wanted at the funeral . We knew if there was a wake ( " you can have one , but nobody will come , " she wrote ) , what she wanted . We knew so much because she left a book for us . A book filled with logistical things about the arrangements , but also a book filled with memories , important moments and a host of other things she wanted to share with us . It was an absolute treasure and unbelievable gift for her to leave us . The cover had a note on it that said , " To be opened immediately upon my demise …… Mumsie . " Can 't make this up . But here 's where it gets incredible . Remember the letters my father wanted to write ? Well , guess what ? Yup , Jackie O wrote them . One for Tom . One for Lynn . One for me . What a gift . Part of me wanted to open it right away . But I waited . I waited until we were home later that night . The kids were in bed . Renee was doing some work . I just took the letter into the living room , opened it up , and was immediately overcome with emotion reading her words . We have never been a verbal family . We just weren 't . So this was perfect . So very perfect . In three pages of her best handwriting , she praised me , scolded me , apologized to me and taught me . It was an unbelievable act of parenting . One last time . In her words . In her voice . I 've read that letter no less than 25 times now . I hear her voice as I read along . I suppose that will always be the case . Renee has read it . And that 'll be it . I won 't share it with my siblings . We 've shared themes and what not , but we won 't share the letters . Far too personal . We don 't know when she wrote them . She referenced Timmy dying , so they had to be done in the last nine years . And her writing is pristine , so I 'm thinking they were written at least four to five years ago . There 's no date or any other indicator of timing . Not that that matters . It 's just curiosity . I 'm guessing she wrote them shortly after Timmy 's death . Again , we weren 't a very verbal family . I 'm guessing there were things she wanted to say to each of us and wanted to make sure we knew certain things , and , well , rather than tell us directly ( so not her style ) , she left us the letters to leave no mistake . There 's a part of me that is hugely frustrated that there are some things in the letter that were never said to me in person . However , there 's a hugely satisfied part of me that knows I have this letter for good . And I can open it anytime I want and not just read her words - but hear her words . It is quite simply my most treasured possession . You know , I 'm not sure I knew what that was before Mom died . Probably some piece of sports memorabilia . But now , it 's the letter and nothing else comes close . Mom was a teacher by trade . And she lived that all the way til the end - leaving us - or at least me - with one last lesson . I hope I can complete it . It 's not an easy one for me . And , it 's even a struggle I have in my own way of parenting . Is it earth shattering ? No , it 's not . But if I follow through , it 'll make me a better person , and be it as a teacher or as a parent , isn 't that really what Mom always tried to do - make me / us better ? I 'm really good at writing eulogies . I 'm just not really good at giving them . And there was no better example than today at Mom 's funeral . I tried something completely different , in part as a tribute to her , and in part as a way I thought might help get me through it . So much for that idea . There will be more to come about Mom 's passing . Many have asked certain questions and I can answer a lot of that here at once over time . Stand by for that . Meantime , I had a request to post what 's below , so here it is . The background story is this , Mom taught at St . Michael School in Pawcatuck . Every year , at the last faculty gathering , she would read a poem that recapped the entire year . A lot of you know that I lost someone dear to me recently . My cousin , who is also my godfather , lost a five year battle with cancer last Tuesday . It 's an immeasurable loss not just for me , but for anyone who knew him . What made this situation unique is that four years ago , Michael asked me to do something for him . He asked me to give his eulogy . But there was a catch . A big catch . He wanted to read it . So , even though he died last week , I wrote his eulogy , per his request , four years ago . I gave it to him four years ago . And his closest friends and family heard it Saturday when I spoke at the funeral . Or , at least , I tried to speak . I probably read one - third of it . Renee , thankfully , was strong enough to help with the rest because I was such a wreck . You may think it strange for me to post it here . But I don 't . He was such an influence on me . He is a big part of who I am . So , if you know me , then you know Michael . By sharing this , I just want you to know him a little better . Writing a eulogy isn 't really a difficult thing . It 's simply an expression of feelings . Delivering it , however , is usually the challenging part . At least for me . But what makes this eulogy unique is that Michael actually knows what I 'm going to say . Yup . He 's heard it already . or , I should say , he 's read it already . That was his request . And how could I deny it ? Even though there 's an obvious discomfort in writing a eulogy for someone when that someone is , well , still alive . Know , please , that part of the way Michael and I dealt with his sickness was with humor . So much , in fact , that when he first asked me to do this , it was election season . You all remember the radio and TV ads that we hear during an election season . Well , Michael , in his own way , wanted to put a special touch on this . While you can rest assured that we didn 't in fact do this , we laughed for quite a while at his idea of him recording a message that I would play at the end of this that says , " I 'm Michael Keane , and I approved this message . " Because he has read it , I know that he did approve it . And , honestly , I can 't tell you how much that means to me . Because , for most of my life , I have sought Michael 's approval on so many levels . I don 't know if he realized that or not , but it 's true . Not only are we cousins , he 's my godfather . He 's my accountant . He 's my friend . He 's my travel agent . He 's who I go to for pretty much anything . In short , he 's my guy . He 's heard me deliver eulogies to my brother and to my father - and he knows now , only because he 's read this - that neither of those are as difficult for me as this one . There simply has been no greater male influence in my life than Michael Keane . I don 't make that statement lightly . Yet , it 's true . He 's been all of what I mentioned earlier . He 's been a big brother . He 's been a father figure . And he 's been so much more . So much that I can 't always find the right words . He 's taught me more about the Red Sox , Patriots , Celtics , BlackJack , Rotisserie Baseball , Vegas and good steak - among other things - than anyone . One time , I was at his house , admiring his new man cave in the basement and dreaming about the day I 'd have the same set up . A week later , the phone rings . " Michael , " He said . Well , it seems Mr . Keane has taken care of this for you . After the shock wore off , and I got things home and hooked up , I called to thank him . Don 't thank me , he said . Just enjoy it . Needless to say , that wasn 't going to be a problem . That was just his way . He didn 't need thanks . Knowing that someone would enjoy his generosity - at any level - was enough for him . As I said , he was my guy . For everything . Trips , steak , Disney advice , financial advice . Anything . He was the first call I 'd make . And he always made sense . Always pointed me in the right direction . He taught me so much . About everything . About life . And along the way , he would always kid . He 'd say , You know , I wouldn 't have to buy you stuff if you were an accounting major in school . Yup , that was one of his favorites . I 'm a PR man by trade and Michael couldn 't understand why I 'd want to work with words instead of numbers . Ironically , I 'm standing here because he finally understood why . As I mentioned , Michael heard me deliver two eulogies - first my Dad 's and most recently my brother 's . After Tim 's funeral , family was gathering outside the church . I was still a wreck . Michael hugged me . Well , not really , but he put his arm around me to comfort me and for us , well , i think that was a hug . Whatever it was , it worked for me . That wasn 't the most important part . It was what he said that I 'll never forget . He said , " Now I understand why you do what you do . You have a gift . " Not that I was seeking his approval , but it sure felt good to get it . Whom I kidding ? Of course , I was seeking his approval . Which leads me to his request that I write his eulogy - before he died . No pressure or anything . Not to sound weird , but normally , there wouldn 't be . It 's not like the person being eulogized typically knows what is being said about him . He asked me to do this and he wanted to read it . Once I gave it to him , in a sealed envelope , I couldn 't help but think - What if I disappointed him ? How could it possibly be good enough compared to all he 's done for me ? After all , these are just words . Well , I 'm here , so I have to assume that it was good enough for him . In fact , as strange as it seems , maybe writing a eulogy for someone before they die isn 't such a bad idea . After all , in an Irish - Catholic family like ours , it 's not like we make a habit of actually sharing our feelings . Whatever it is , it 's got me thinking back . I do it a lot , I suppose . Probably more than you do . Maybe not . But probably . Sometimes I do it even more than I realize . But , really , it 's a good thing to look back . Why ? Simple , I think . Looking back helps you figure out where you came from . Knowing where you came from can help you figure out where you 're going . At least I think it can . Or , at least I think it should . The friends I had then ( many of whom I still have ) helped build who I am . They ( you ) must have done something right , because I have always been blessed with an amazing group of friends - new or old . But , I credit that to the friends I grew up with . Those relationships , some of which remain so strong , no doubt have an impact on relationships I have today . Today , for example , I had lunch with a friend . A ' newer ' friend , I suppose . Kids went to preschool together . Ran into each other from time to time . Never really hung out , but just good people . Then , this friend becomes friends with another friend . The circle expands . And , at least in this case , as the overall circle gets bigger , the bond gets tighter . And when that happens , it 's fabulous . I work with amazing people , too . Not just for what they do . But for who they are . Some of them , I believe , are lifelong friends - even though I 've only known them for a couple years . Is this because of sharing a common bond at work ? Maybe . Is it because of me ? Well , you 'd have a hard time convincing me of that . Rather , I think it has to do with people I grew up with . People I shared the early years with . People that let me be who I am . Having that core , I think , is what makes the cycle continuous . I guess my point is , if I hadn 't had such a great group of friends early on , would I have had great friends in high school ? If I hadn 't had great friends in high school , would I have had them in college ? If I didn 't have them in college , would I have them now ? Or , more importantly , would I have the ability to have them now ? Thankfully , I don 't have to worry about that too much . Because , for whatever reason , I do have them . And I 'm crazy blessed to say I 've always had them . And to say that I 've been able to keep them . Not all of them . But the strongest ones . The most important ones . I don 't always understand why many of them are female , but I guess that 's a blog for another day . And wouldn 't that be nice , like if I actually came back to this on a regular basis . I digress … . Some of it , too , is about not just people , but shared experiences . You don 't necessarily have to be super tight with someone right away . But , when you discover a shared experience or theme , that can often times strengthen the bond to one that you 'll never want to end . Why ? Because of that connection . I can think of two people in particular that way for me . The point is , there are a number of ways that a friendship can be strong - new or old . And , there are a number of ways a friendship can grow - new or old . I guess that 's the point of this . And , from there , the most important thing , at least to me , is knowing how to maintain the friendships that have those bonds - or shared experiences - that are so strong . But , come on , you 've had those moments , too . Moments where you hear an old song , see an old picture , anything . Anything that brings you back - often times right to a particular person or a particular moment . And it doesn 't always have to be about that type of ' relationship ' - it can be about anything . It just has to connect you back . It has to bring back good memories and good thoughts . Of good people . With good people . Just tonight , while I was writing this , in fact , a Facebook friend made a comment on a picture of my Dad . That brought me back - instantly - to a certain place . A certain time . And , more importantly , to certain people . Am I still tight with all of them ? No . But I am with some . Shared experiences . Great bonds . Great friends . For Halloween , we typically take our kids trick - or - treating where I went as a kid . I 'm really happy for the kids to get out and have a great experience . But , with every step , I 'm thinking back to when I went to those same houses and , in some cases , to the same people in the same houses . I would try to explain this during the walk , but the kids are too focused on candy . But , again , brought back to a certain place . A certain time . And , more importantly , to certain people . A couple of weeks ago , someone I used to work with sent a Facebook message to me and another colleague . In the message , she talked about being sentimental and thinking back to our time working together . Could we get together , she asked . I certainly hope so . Because , if we do , we go back to a certain place . A certain time . With certain people . I saw another post on Facebook . From a friend I 've known since first grade . We went to grade school together , but not the same high school . It doesn 't matter . It 's the strength of the bond . He 's going to be home for Thanksgiving . We 've talked about maybe grabbing a beer with a couple of others . I hope we do . Because if it works , we go back to a certain place . A certain time . With certain people . That same weekend , there 's a casual 25th class reunion happening . That 's put me in touch with a lot of people . A few of whom are some of my dearest friends . Do we see each other all the time ? No . Do we have to ? No . That 's part of the beauty of it . The bond growing up was so strong - it sort of transcends the need for that . I 'm beyond looking forward to spending time with these people in a few days . Why ? Because we go back to a certain place . A certain time . With certain people . There 's another person who is going to read this blog and thank me for writing . This person is going to tell me that he loves reading what I write . He 's going to tell me that it helped him - or someone . He 's going to tell me I should keep writing . Now , I worked with this person - sort of - for a while . We weren 't overly connected - until we discovered a shared experience . An experience neither of us would wish on anyone . But , we 've got it . And that 's what matters . Does that take me back to a certain place ? A certain time ? Sure it does . It 's different , but the fact is , the impact is the same . And that 's what 's important . Strong and impactful relationships . I haven 't seen this person in I can 't even remember how many years . Five ? Six ? More ? And I don 't have any plans to see him in the future either . Point is , there 's a bond and a friendship that 's not going away - regardless of anything . I just think that 's cool . Every Thanksgiving , I think back to high school . Our school was full of tradition . It was such a special time . I am truly grateful for having been part of the experience . But , it 's an experience that I went through with special people . That 's what makes it even better . That 's what takes me back . So , with this reunion thing coming up , I 'm a little more sensitive to it than usual . Then , add in the fact that I 'm at a Cheap Trick concert the other night and they play The Flame . Well , that came out during high school . And , one of my friends , sends a message about it just as they start playing it . It was kind of weird . But good weird . Why ? Because it brought me back to a certain place . A certain time . With certain people . A friend I 've know for only a few years is having a hard time dealing with something . I 've dealt with the same thing . So it helps . I can share some thoughts . Help give some perspective . Be a good friend . There 's no doubt I have good friends . Being a good friend ? Well , that 's something I take very seriously . And I guess I take it so seriously to let people I know how much I appreciate their friendship and what they 've done for me . ( The real thanks goes to those of you who actually made it to the end of this ! Haven 't blogged in forever . Maybe this gets me going … . ) It was Christmas morning . The presents were open . The kids were ecstatic . The tree looked awesome . Renee and I were amazed that it was ' over ' so quickly , but still enjoying the joy coming from Aidan and Erin . We were in church , waiting for Mass to begin . My phone buzzed in my pocket . Yes , I checked it . Guilty as charged . But , I was glad I did . Because this is the message I found sent to me via Facebook : Hope you are having a great Christmas with you and your family ! Just thought you should know … . the cap on my tooth from your baseball throw many years ago in your backyard fell off today ! While eating twizzlers - just brought back a memory of a good time in my life . Instant smile . Instant flashback . The message , obviously , was from someone that I 've known most of my life . For so long , in fact , I 'm not even sure when he and I first met . Probably when we were seven or eight ? I 'm not really sure . And it doesn 't really matter . Fact is , it was a message from a lifelong friend . Sure , we are nowhere near as close as those days of playing together every day . Basketball , bikes , swimming , baseball cards , touch football . Every thing . Bonds like that never go away , right ? Sure , sometimes you may lose touch with someone over time . But it doesn 't mean you aren 't friends anymore . Maybe sometimes it does . But not in this case . Too much history - most all of it good - to change anything . Friends for life . Maybe not every day friends like in the past . But friends for life . Nothing changes there . We 've all got friends like that - on multiple levels , based on whenever we first encounter those friends . While this friend and I go way back , probably 35 years , I 've got new friends within the past five years that I would also proudly call friends for life . Make sense ? So , this all got me thinking . First , how cool it was to just get that message . That this friend thought enough to send it along . Something to simple now , but such an issue back then . Something that is just another way we are connected . Always a story . He shared it because he knew I 'd appreciate it . And he was right . And , it was a good time in my life , too . A much simpler , a much easier time . I remember those ages - and , more importantly , I remember the people I knew then , some of whom are still very dear friends . I mean , there are people I 've known since kindergarten ( Erin 's class ) that I 'm still friends with . There are kids from third grade ( Aidan 's class ) that I 'm still tight with , and there are some that I 'm ' Facebook ' friends with . Fact is , the friendship is still there - to some degree . So , as I look at the kids today and see how they interact with their friends , I can 't help but wonder . In 30 years , will Aidan still be close to some of the kids he 's friends with now ? What about Erin ? I think , honestly , that there are some friends they have now that will be with them for a while . And part of that is because they go to a Catholic school , like I did . When you are with a group of people for so long , you can 't help but establish a bond - right Amy , Amy , Mark , Luke and Patrick ? And , then if someone new comes in , you establish a bond quickly with them , too , - right Amy , Andrea and Erin ? And , if someone starts with you and leaves for another place , you are also still connected , right Ryan , Laura and Michele ? What 's my point ? I 'm not really sure . I guess I just hope that my kids are blessed with the same type of friendships that I 'm beyond blessed with . Despite what some people think , I don 't ' know everyone . ' I 've always been guarded with my friendship . Not letting people in , per se , until I 'm comfortable enough to share . It 's not about quantity , it 's about quality . I said it before , I 'm probably one of the shyest people you 'll ever meet - until I 'm comfortable . Then I open up . That 's like Aidan . He 's so reserved and so quiet . Not one to jump right into a situation , but once he does , he 's often fine and with no trouble at all . Erin , on the other hand , is much more of a free spirit . I guess I have that in me , too . So , it seems right that I am their father ! And , in 30 years or so , I hope Aidan or Erin get the same type of Christmas morning message that I got . From a friend . A lifelong friend . And I hope that message is like mine was - that it was a good time , for both of us . But , more importantly , that we are still friends , to this day . So here it is , our anniversary . Our 18th anniversary . And she 's not here . She and the kids are still in Florida , finishing up a visit with her family . Not sure what to give her for a present then . I 've always got words and thoughts inside me . Always . In some of our most challenging moments , I told Renee that I needed to work harder to make sure that she didn 't learn new things about me on this blog . In my darkest times , this was the place where I could come and just say anything . It still is . But you get my point . I hope . You might find this hard to believe , but I 'm not an easy person to live with . For a lot of reasons . I 'm stubborn beyond all measure . I 'm set in my ways ( same thing ? ) . I 'm crazy opinionated . I believe my way is the right way . And , my biggest challenge , I 'm not always open . That 's why Renee did learn things here . Because I had a hard time opening up as much as I should . I don 't know why . But it 's true . A few years ago , I went through the darkest part of my life - dealing with the loss of my brother and finally - truly - dealing with the loss of my father . This has been well documented here . But the person who dealt with this the most ? Yeah , Renee . She dealt with me pulling back . She dealt with my doubts . About a lot of things . And , all the while , she kept doing everything that she does that makes us better . And , by that , I mean makes me better . You might think I 'm the most open person in the world . Sometimes I am . And sometimes I pull back - or hold back . I 'm trying to change that . |
On Thursday August 19 , 2010 we found out that our precious little girl has an inoperable brain tumor in her brain stem . The overwhelming amount of love we have received from our families and friends is a testament to God 's grace and provision in the darkest of hours . To help keep all our loved ones informed , as well as , process everything we are experiencing , we decided to create this blog . We adore our sweet Nina and we need a miracle ! ! ! Today was an excellent day . The sun was shinning brilliant in Beverly Hills and Nina was more comfortable in her new surroundings . We started off the morning by going to the farmer 's market , which Nina LOVED ! In fact , she had been asking to go to a market from the moment we arrived . She chose some apples , oranges , carrots , and a couple of peaches . Then Linda introduced to the kettle corn and Nina was in heaven ! We had a relaxing lunch at the Marbans . Nina especially loved Linda 's dance routine ! She was in stitches and I was so happy that the Marbans could spend such a wonderful day with our girl , hearing her recount stories of her childhood ( her favorite thing to do these days ) and hear her infectious laugh . Unfortunately , they had never met Nina prior to her diagnosis . When we were first at Cedars , Nina was a fraction of who she was . Since radiation she had grown in strength and most of her personality has returned . That is a huge blessing ! No I stand corrected , that is a MIRACLE and we are soooo very thankful ! After lunch , Linda , I and the girls were off to the American Girl Store . Eduardo had surprised us all and made a reservation for us to go have tea there . How precious ! As we drove to the store , Nina and Cristina began to sing along to the Miley Cyrus song on the radio . I looked back and saw the biggest smiles on both of the girls . Immediately , the lump that I hate so much returned in a flash . I quickly looked away , staring at the passing cars , willing my tears back in ! Linda just grabbed my hand and held it tightly ! Words were not necessary ! She knew what was going through my mind because it was going through hers ! Upon arriving , each of the girls got to chose a doll . If you are a girlie girl and you have never been to this store , you need to go ! Linda and I enjoyed it just as much as the girls ! The store is covered in beautiful dolls , and there is one just like you ! However , the icing on the cake is the myriad of outfits , pets , and accessories you can chose for you doll . Holy smoke . . . . Linda and I could have spent the entire afternoon picking out the perfect outfit for our own baby - dolls : ) Once the girls chose their dolls , we went upstairs and had a light lunch . The dolls sat with us of course , which the girls found to be hysterical ! We ate , laughed , and had a great time in an amazing pink - drenched restaurant ! It is not uncommon for Nina to fuss at food these days if it doesn 't meet her exact expectations . This is what she did when the cheese pizza arrived . " I don 't like this pizza ! " she howled at me ! However , I 've learned that if I don 't make a big deal and just wait her out , eventually she will succumb to the enticing smells of the surrounding grub and dig in . Within 2 minutes , she was munching on her cheese pizza and her chocolate milkshake . She just likes to keep her mama constantly on her toes ! Our American Girl excursion left us all tired so we spent the rest of the evening hanging out the Marbans . We were now officially staying in their guest house , which Nina sweetly referred to as the " new hotel " : ) Nina and Cristina played with their new dolls and we joined them for a round of Pretty Pretty Princess . As we sat by the fireplace , the girls laughing and having a good time , that damn lump began to return . Linda saw it . She knew what I was thinking . She was lamenting it herself . Our girls could have been wonderful friends ! God willing . . . they will be life - long friends . Once the girls were asleep , Linda joined me in the living room . It was dark and the evening had turned windy . I sat on the large couch with my friend and wept . The trip had been incredible so far but I couldn 't contain it any longer . Each happy memory I had made was still covered by a sense of sadness . Linda did what she does best . . . she held me like a loving sister would and reminded me she loved me ! My soul ached but it helped to have love poured into me ! Nina and I both slept in ! We slept and slept and slept and by the time we woke up it was 10am ! ! It felt great ! We soaked in the ginormous bathtub ( Nina was very impressed ! ) and then our friend Jimmy joined us for breakfast . Soon after , Linda came over and we all worked on a Sponge Bob puzzle . Puzzles have become one of Nina 's favorite pass - times . They are stimulating but don 't require a ton of physical activity : ( In general , Nina has become very weary and nervous around less familiar people . To her , someone that she doesn 't see on a regular basis is more than likely someone who is going to poke her with something sharp , draw blood , or make her swallow something nasty . My poor sweet girl ! Consequently , all of our friends have learned to be extremely soft spoken and gentle with Nina . This is different for everyone because Nina was our easy - going , friendly , and social - butterfly child . Our friends could be animated with her and she would love it ! When we 'd go to Christmas Day with my Portuguese family , Todd and Teddy would inevitably end up finding a quiet corner to hang out in while Nina immersed herself in the crowd of kids within seconds of arriving . What is noteworthy about this is that Nina would see this extended family ( and cousins ) once a year ! She had no problem leaving us and being independently social : ) Oh , how things have changed . Now , she is super scared and easily made anxious . Most of all , she wants me by her side at all times . It is hard to see her so scared because no matter how hard I reassure her , someone in a set of scrubs is going to show up and scare her all over again ! After finishing our puzzle , we said goodbye to Jimmy and went home with Linda . As we waited in the lobby of the Four Sessions , Nina pointed out the chandelier . She loved it . She 's always had an eye for interesting things , always been super observant ; I love that this hasn 't changed , even though so many other things have . We then joined Eduardo and Cristina for delicious ice - cream . Nina chose one scoop of bubblegum and one of vanilla . Sometimes as adults we plan these huge events and activities thinking that they will delight our children when the simplest of things ( i . e . , getting ice cream with a friend ) is far more meaningful ! Although Nina did great at the new ice cream shop , by the time we arrived at the Marbans she was overwhelmed again . I explained that is was a frequent experience now and that the best thing was to just give her space , so that is exactly what we did . While the Marbans went inside , Nina and I waited in the car . I told her there was no pressure . That we could go in as soon as she was ready . She in turn explained that she was scared but couldn 't elaborate why . My heart broke for her . I knew why . . . . " new " in of itself meant more than likely " bad " or at least " painful " . I was happy we had an opportunity this weekend to show her that " new " didn 't always mean scary . About 10 minutes later , Eduardo came out with their doggie Paco . Nina loves dogs so after petting Paco and watching him run back into the house , she unbuckled and followed him in ; motivation baby ! ! ! We all need it ! The rest of the afternoon was delightful . We went and watched Secretariat . Great movie but not really fast enough for kids ; about 1 / 2 way through Nina proclaimed she was done so Linda and Cristina joined us at Borders while Eduardo finished the movie . After the movie , we did what all ladies love doing . . . . shopping ! We went to Nordies and Nina picked out a pair of Ugg boots . Her feet have been really sensitive lately and none of her shoes are comfortable . In fact , she walks around in socks most of the time . Linda had suggested Uggs and to my delight Nina had agreed that they made her feet feel good . Picking movie snacks with Cristina With our new Uggs on , we followed Cristina to the pet store where I was shocked to find out that they had puppies in display for adoption . I haven 't seen a pet store like this since my adolescence . The fact that one exists in LA baffles me . . . . how has PETA not shut this down ? ? ? Not that I 'm suggesting that the store should be shut down , it was lovely . Just couldn 't believe that in LA of all places you 'd see such a store . I could see one of these existing in the Central Valley , say Bakersfield , but snooty / progressive LA . It made me laugh and Nina loved tapping the windows of all the cute puppies : ) We had a lovely Cuban dinner back at the Marbans ; Eduardo 's version of chicken and rice . Fabulous ! ! ! To top it all off , Eduardo made the most amazing mojitos ! I love mojitos but I can sincerely say that Eduardo 's is the best I have EVER had ! I guess it takes a Cuban to make a killer Cuban drink : ) Not only are the Marbans brilliant researchers and physicians . . . . but boy , oh boy . . . . can they throw a party : ) now ? " The excitement in her voice and the enthusiasm in her eyes were scrumptious ! I was so glad the idea of flying into LAX had popped into my head . For the longest time Nina has been looking forward to a Mommy - and - Me plane trip . In fact , we originally had one planned for Boston this coming January during the Martin Luther King holiday . This trip would be just the correct length of time and the Marbans had planned an extraordinary weekend for us ! How blessed we are to have them in our lives ! ! I explained to Nina that we had a few things to do before our trip and that we would leave after dinner . She moaned with disappointment . I love how kids want things to happen right then and there ! The reality is that we all operate that way . . . we 've just learned that it 's not socially appropriate to moan when we don 't get our way immediately ( at least some of us have learned this adaptive skill ) . Before long , Larisa arrived to hang out with Nina . When Nina saw Larisa she said , " Awww . . . can 't Mario babysit ? " Larisa and I burst into laughter . I guess our theory was true ! Nina Fredeen ! ! ! Larisa is such a good friend , the most precious of friends . She sat down next to Nina and stroked her hair while saying , " I can 't blame you . . . . we 'd all prefer Mario to babysit . " Nina 's cheeks actually flushed pink ! It was the sweetest thing ever ! ! Larisa and Nina proceeded to play Wii . Nina is an incredible Wii player ; totally competitive but equally skilled . I went to my meetings . All in all , despite being incredibly worried , all my meetings went well . For the majority of my adult life I have made most of my decisions out of fear . Fear has pretty much dominated my life in one capacity or another . My Fear Warden is not one about being afraid to try things , work hard , take on responsibilities . My Fear Warden is about disappointing people . I have a terrible fear about disappointing others and I am now realizing that for the most part these fears are completely inappropriate and misplaced . I have spent the majority of my life trying to work harder , do more , be smarter , be more patient , all in the hope that I could earn love and appreciation . However , this nightmare with Nina has forced me to wake up and realize that it does not matter how hard I work , how much I take on , how long I am patient for , if people don 't love and appreciate me , there is nothing I can do to earn that ! It is not me . . . . it is them ! ! Sometimes , you need to be knocked down completely before you realize what has been holding you captive and what is truly a blessing in life . When I returned , I found Larisa and Nina still playing Wii . Larisa laughed as she explained how ruthless Nina was and how she 'd practically won every game . Nina smugly smiled ! Ohh , how I love that girl ! While Larisa played one last game with Nina , I secretly put together Nina 's snack container for the plane trip . Above all else , what Nina was looking most forward to about the plane ride was pulling down her tray and getting a platter of snacks to eat : ) Unfortunately , the flight from SB to LAX did not offer snacks but I knew I could convince the stewardess to help me out . Who wouldn 't want to bring a smile out our honey - girl ? So . . . I packed up a cute pink box with a juice container , crackers , cheetos , string - cheese , etc . I knew she 'd get a kick out of this and I couldn 't wait to see her smile . We hugged Larisa good bye and thanked her for all her help . We finished packing and then enjoyed dinner with Teddy and Dada . Nina was so excited she could barely concentrate on eating , which rarely ever happens . Then it was time to leave . I grabbed our suitcases and went to help Nina put her socks on but she was no longer in the living room . . . she had actually already climbed into the car ! The entire car ride to the airport ( all 10 minutes ) Nina beamed . Teddy told her all about the cool things about going on a plane , and explained in his best " big brother " voice , how important it was to tighten the lap belt ( only our Teddy would do this ! ) . We pulled up to the terminal and Todd unloaded our suitcases . We hugged the boys goodbye and were off on our adventure ! As we walked to the terminal , I noticed Nina lingering behind . I looked back and saw that she was crying . I knelt beside her and asked what was wrong . She wiped her precious tears and told me she was scared to go on the plane and that she was going to miss Dada and Teddy . We sat on the bench beside us and I just rubbed her sweet back , explaining what would happen on the plane ride . We talked about how of course we would miss Dada and Teddy but that we would see them soon and would talk to them on the phone whenever she wanted to . Before long , she was ready to go in . Who knew that going thru the terminal security was exciting , but with Nina it was ! New adventures and experiences with our kids was always exciting . Each of their new experiences was a joy to go through with them ; seeing the expression on their sweet faces , getting to relive things , such a pleasure , such a gift ! Once we were thru security , we didn 't have long to wait . We sat down and then . . . . . . I realized we had forgotten the stroller ! ! ! Yikes ! ! I called Todd and asked him to bring it to us . Luckily we don 't live very far so he was able to get it to me in a jiff , just as the flight attendant announced that it was time board ! We boarded the plane and buckled in . To say that Nina was excited , happy , elated , thrilled . . . simply does not do it justice ! She was in stitches . She couldn 't stop smiling . She looked out the plane , attentively listen to the flight attendant , looked around , everything was perfect for her . As Nina was distracted with watching the crew outside load the luggage , I sneakily asked the flight attendant if she could lend me a helping hand and pretend she was passing out snacks to everyone and give Nina her special pink snack container . The flight attendant , a bubbly blond from Clovis with beautiful blue eyes named Brittany , smiled and agreed ! Yahoo ! ! ! As the plane started to move forward , I held Nina 's hand . She was so happy , so excited ! When we actually took off and were in the air , her little mouth dropped ! She asked me how it was possible for us to be in the sky . . . dang it . . . kids always ask complicated questions : ) I explained that it was magic . . . . no . . . I didn 't ! I gave her the simplest of explanations but she lost interest and instead looked out the window and pointed out the ocean and the hills : ) That 's my girl ! After the captain announced we could walk around in the cabin , I told Nina she could pull down her tray . I might as well have told her that Santa Claus was going to live with us forever . . . . she was wildly happy ! ! She proudly pulled down her tray just as the flight attendant came by with her snack container . Brittany played her part perfectly and Nina happily accepted the snacks . When she opened the container , it was as if she 'd been given the greatest treasure on earth . . . as if she had never seen crackers , cheetos , apple juice , or string cheese . I couldn 't help but beam myself ! ! I was helping my honey - girl 's dreams come true and there was no other greater feeling ! We arrived and were greeted by the most darling limo driver . The Marbans had arranged for us to have a chauffeur drive us to the Four Seasons . What a treat ! They just spoil us ! As we drove through classic LA traffic , Eduardo texted me saying : I 'll be here waiting at 4S . See you soon ! I texted back asking if 4S was our room number to which Eduardo replied No silly . . . it 's the Four Seasons . I 'll wait for you at the front entrance . I could just hear his laugh ! When we pulled up at the Four Seasons ( 4S ) , both Nina and I were speechless . We hugged Eduardo hello , were greeted by the hotel manager ( fancy - fancy . . . we are VERY IMPORTANT PEOPLE . . . hee - hee ! ) and then went up to our suite ! Holy Smoke ! ! Our suite was spectacular . Nina was blown - away ! She even called me into the bathroom twice to show me the shower and the tv ! The living room was covered in treats : fruit , crackers , and a cookie decorating tray from our friends Mendy and Damien . Eduardo helped us prepare for room service then was off to their back - to - school party . Nina and I spent the rest of the evening hanging out in the absolute coolest hotel ever ! We had room service and watched Nanny McPhee 2 in bed ! ! Nina 's favorite part of the movie was when the piggies danced ; I was fond of the annoying city - cousin and would periodically turn to Nina and speak like him ( in an awful English accent ) making her crack up . No better sound in the world ! Nina has ALWAYS loved hotels and this hotel was the poshest , coolest , most amazing treat ever ! ! Thank you Marbans for making our Nina 's dream come true ! ! ! What an incredible start to the best ever Mommy - and - Daughter weekend get - away ! ! This morning started off rocky ! ! ! Teddy did not want to go to school . I knew he was tired but he needed to return . He had missed a week and when we went to Disneyland he was going to miss more . Consequently , he needed to go . Nina and I spent the morning unpacking and then repacking for our upcoming adventure . Friday afternoon , she and I were leaving for Beverly Hills for our much anticipated " Plane - Mommy - and - Me " trip . Nina was beyond excited . She insisted on packing her own bags and making sure she had all the right socks ( go figure ! ) . We picked up Teddy from school at 1 : 55 since it was early dismissal and then went to get a smoothie at Blenders in the Grass . The kids love smoothies from there and it allows me to sneakily put in stool softener into a drink Nina is willing to take . The beach house trip had been a dream come true , especially for Nina . However , for one I was glad to be home even if it was just for a mere 24 hours . Somehow , although all of the trips we had planned were exciting they were also all tainted by grief . . . . because we were doing them to build memories . At least doing things like going to Blenders was normal and not just occurring for the sake of memory building . However . . . . as I stood there in line , watching Teddy and Nina talk to each other as they sat on the store bench , I realized that even here we were building memories . In our normal , every day activities we were building memories ! We went home where my friend Mario was waiting to hang out with the kids while I ran a few errands . Nina was delighted to see Mario . My friends and I had started to joke that she had a massive crush on him , which made Mario bashful : ) Teddy was ecstatic to play Xbox with Mario , however , I reminded Mario that Nina hadn 't really climbed up the stairs since we had returned from Cedars . I suggested that they play Wii downstairs and Mario gave me the Remember I work with kids . . . I can handle yours : ) look so I said good - bye and left . When I returned , I heard a commotion coming from upstairs . I looked around downstairs and did not see Nina . As I walked upstairs , I heard her laughter erupting . She has the most contagious laughter . . . . it literally could light up an entire town ! I then heard Teddy scream his I 'm a maniac scream . As I rounded the corner , the kids and Mario were head down the hall . Teddy was a ball of sweat . Apparently he and Mario had not only played Xbox but wrestled like nuts ! Mario was super pleased with himself and Nina just laughed as she walked down the stairs . I asked Mario how he had convinced Nina to go upstairs . The punk just shrugged his shoulders and said , " I didn 't have to convince her . Teddy wanted to go upstairs so I invited her . She initially said no but then when she saw me go upstairs she got up and came with me . " Motivation . . . pure and simple : ) I asked Nina if she had a good time and she smiled . She seemed super proud of herself . I didn 't blame her ; I was proud of her ! Sometimes the best memories are those that you don 't plan for ! We were so lucky . . . . the weather was a bit chilly but otherwise perfect . We spent the walking on the beach with Papa and Nana . Teddy found one carcass after another . . . first a sting - ray then several sea lions . I have a younger brother and work with tons of boys but I have never quite understood the fascination that boys have with poking dead stuff ! ! It 's just weird . Nina was very tired today . In fact , I had noticed a growing fatigue over the fast several days and bit of drooling today . This morning , Todd and I both noticed her mouthing things ( e . g . , putting her hair and clothing into her mouth ) . We didn 't say a word to her . . . just looked at each other with growing sadness . . . symptoms were coming back ! After lunch , Todd finished loading the car . We played a few games . Teddy invented a ball - toss game where Nina sat at the top of the stairs and threw balls down to him , trying to get the balls into a myriad of hats he had accumulated . He was so sweet to her . . . it choked me up ! ! ! Finally , it was time to go . We hugged Papa and Nana goodbye and loaded up into the car . As soon as she buckled , Nina asked that I turn the dvd player on . I did as she asked . She did not say a word about leaving the beach house . She simply put on her headphones and watched the previews on the video . We drove down the long path to the front exit . I looked back and saw Teddy crying . He looked at me but turned his face away when I tried to reach for his hand . I asked him what he was thinking about but he ignored me , instead putting his head phones on and turning his attention to the dvd screen . I then looked at Todd , who was also crying . I reached for his hand but unlike Teddy he didn 't take it away . I asked him if he wanted to talk about it but he declined . We stopped at the front gate and waited for the door to open . It was dark and windy . Ominous . I rubbed Todd 's back . He put both hands on the steering wheel and we drove to the gas station . Once there , I climbed into the back seat with the kids . I sat between them and tickled their arms the way they love it . Once back on the road , Beauty and Beast came on . It was my favorite movie as an adolescent and I still had all of the lyrics memorized . I started to sing along with Belle , however , Nina turned to me and said , " Mama . . . please don 't sing . " I laughed ! We had left late a night because we had hoped the kids would fall asleep . Did they ? ? ? ? NOPE ! ! ! Not for a single second . We arrived in Santa Babara at 11pm . We all climbed into bed , grateful for a wonderful trip but equally grateful for being back home ! Then . . . we passed out ! ! ! Nothing like sleeping in your own bed ! ! ! Today was all about clean up ! The only draw back to staying at a house versus a hotel for vacations is that you have to clean up the mess you make before you leave . Fortunately , over the years we have become more creative and efficient so that the last day isn 't as overwhelming ( I guess I should check with Gordy before I make that declaration . . . hee - hee ! ) For example , we do laundry on a daily basis instead of waiting to do it all on the last day . For the most part , Joe and Todd supervised the kids while Gordy , Sharon and I ran to and fro , sometimes with a plan , most of the time not : ) Although no one said a word , a growing amount of tension had accumulated . The adults ( and Sosie and Addie ) were keenly aware that this " might " be the last beach house vacation we take as a complete family . I did everything I could to avoid thinking about that . . . . instantly I would have tears accumulate if I allowed myself to . How could we ever be complete ? ? It is not possible ! ! Pure and simple . . . . if Nina is not healed we will never be complete . . . . ever again ! ! ! As Joe finished loading up his car , Sosie and Adelae got into a terrible fight . The fact was that the girls had been on excellent behavior the entire trip and really had gotten along . Now , the fatigue from the week - long adventures , the anxiety about returning to school , and the tension all around created the perfect petri - dish for a sisterly argument . . . . . . about . . . . oh no . . . . who could use the hair brush ! ! ! How stereotypically girlie and sisterly can you get ! ! I tried to redirect but they would not listen . . . so what did I do . . . . I started to cry . . . not hysterically . . . quietly . I knelt next to them and told them I needed them to listen to me carefully . I proceeded to thank them for being so great during the entire vacation and especially for loving Nina so tenderly . I told them their devotion to her was one of the greatest gifts of my life . I then thanked them for being so brave , that many adults in their shoes would have avoided being so close to Nina because of how much it hurts . I took each of their hands and asked them to look at me . . . then I reminded them that unfortunately they carried a heavy burden , one that I wished no kid ever had to carry , the prospect of losing someone so dear , their sweet cousin , to cancer . Then I changed my tone to a bit more serious and explained that with this burden came a serious responsibility and that was to savour life and have a grateful heart for all the blessings that we have in our lives , including each other ! Both the girls looked slightly piqued . I squeezed their hands and told them that they were so blessed to have each other as sisters and should fiercely guard that blessing with all of their strength and that fighting over who could use the hair brush was bull - shit . . . . pure and nasty bull - shit and that I expected better from them . I hugged them and told them I loved them ! Then I walked out . I found Gordy in the other room and he thanked me for having that conversation with them . I smiled and agreed . The girls got along beautifully the rest of the morning . After lunch , Joe and the kids finished loading the car . We all hugged goodbye ! After hugging Adelae for a third time , Nina walked back into the house . She didn 't stay to wave goodbye to their car . I didn 't blame her ! It was too hard . Once Joe and the kids were gone , Teddy joined Nina to play some Xbox before we left . I packed a few final bags and brought them downstairs where Todd loaded them in the car . I stood in front of the house , staring at the looming dark clouds . . . rain was coming our way . I stood there , watching Todd load the final bags into our car . Secretly , I had hoped all day that he would suggest us staying for another day or two . As he walked fast me , I stopped him and asked what he thought about staying overnight and leaving the following day after dinner . To my relief , he thought it was a great idea . We told the kids and my in - laws and everyone was delighted ! ! ! For dinner , Gordy went to Phil 's Fish market and brought back some incredible food . I had the shrimp scampi . . . . do die for ! ! Real scampi , fresh and authentic ! Gordy had a shrimp po ' boy which was super tasty and Sharon had a fish salad . Todd and the kids had burgers : ) After dinner , we all cuddled up on the couch and watched the Karate Kid . All in all , what had started off as a touch - and - go day , ended peacefully ! Today was Thanksgiving and Todd 's family ( parents , brother , kids and ex - sister - in - law ) came over to my parent 's home along with my brother and Michelle for a feast ! Each year we alternate Thanksgiving between the Fredeen 's and the Matos ' so that we can always be together . This year was incredibly bitter - sweet . We were all more thankful than ever before , but it was all sprinkled by a tiny bit of sadness . Everything about today was lovely . Everyone behaved , the food was incredible ( my mom and dad are amazing chefs ! ! ) , the pies were delicious ( Todd and Sharon always bake the best home - made pies ! ! ) and the conversations were happy and marked by a refreshed sense of gratitude . Nina had a hard time sleeping last night and was up this morning from 2 - 5am . As I lay beside her , tickling her back , I began to think about all the things I am thankful for . There are so many things . . . the list could go on forever , but I 've decided to narrow it down to my top 10 . 10 . The amazing love and support of family and friends . Without this , we would have not survived all the trials we have been through and may have to go through even more . 9 . The kindness and generosity of acquaintances and strangers . We expect love and support from our friends and family but sometimes what we get is more like cruelty and betrayal . What is more astounding is when mere acquaintances and even strangers step in and show a level of compassion that one would have expected from the closest of friends . I am so thankful for all our new friends and for all of our deepened relationships ! 7 . The love that Todd has for our children . Todd was made to be a father and our children are beyond blessed to have him as their dada ! ! I am beyond blessed that he is their dada ! ! 6 . My children 's disruptive behavior . Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine I would be thankful for their tantrums but I am ! ! ! I am thankful for all the " stink - eyes " I have gotten and each and every tantrum , fussy , and melt - down . I know this sounds strange and trust me . . . when I am living through one , gratitude is NOT what is flowing through my mind ! But once it is over and we have come to a resolution I have found myself lately thanking God for these opportunities to shape my children 's lives and for the " normalcy " that disruptive behavior is . Fatigue , silence , unresponsiveness is not normal for a 5 year old . . . . talking back , crying , pouting , and the all encompassing " stink - eye " is and I am thankful ! 5 . Adelae , Silas , Teague & Sosie . No one brings more joy and happiness into Teddy and Nina 's lives than their cousins and I praise God for the love they pour into each other ! It is awe - inspiring and breathtaking ! Tonight , when it was bed time , Addie lay next to Nina and tickled her little cousin 's back , arms , and face for over 10 minutes until Nina was sound asleep . That is love ! ! Pure and simple ! ! 4 . Laughter ! ! ! Nothing is more precious than the laughter of my children . I have always appreciated their laughter but now it has a magnificence about it that is indescribable . When I hear their laughter , happiness pulsates through my veins . When I hear their laughter , I swear I can feel Heaven 's blessings pouring over me . When I hear their laughter , everything is right in the world . . . even if it is only for a millisecond ! 3 . A most precious friend 's reminder that everything else in my life can stay in limbo for now . . . that the only thing that matters is being with my family and memorizing every breath , smell , touch , freckle , laughterr , stink - eye , smile , movement , word that is my honey - girl ! My life is completely falling apart all around me . . . . every aspect is being decimated ! However , I felt the most amazing peace and liberation when I was told this because it is true . Every time Teddy hugs me or kisses me I find myself memorizing the sweetness of his face . Every time Nina reaches for me in the middle of the night and nuzzles her chubby face tightly up against mine , I find myself memorizing the cadence of her beating heart and the rhythm of her breathing . Each of these little things are miracles and I am so , so very thankful ! ! 2 . Forgiveness ! I am incredibly thankful for " Forgiveness " ! ! I struggle with doing the right thing on a daily basis , hourly basis , sometimes second by second basis and I would have to say that perhaps one of my biggest struggles and sins in life has been arrogance . This journey with Nina has taught me many things , however , one of the greatest lessons I have learned so far is the astounding and humbling experience of forgiveness . Today , as I hugged my former sister - in - law Shannon goodbye when she left Thanksgiving lunch , I was overcome by the amazingness of forgiveness ! ! ! I fall short every day of my life but God is always ready to forgive me and love me , just the way that I am , faults and all ! ! ! If God is willing to do this for me , why shouldn 't I be willing to do this for others ? ? ? Consequently , this year I am beyond thankful for the gift of forgiveness ! ! Yesterday there was rain . Today there was sunshine and no one loved it more than our kids ! Children love the sunshine . It beckons them , nourishes them , inspires them . When you 're a child , everything seems possible in sunshine . I remember being a little girl , Teddy 's age , and running through the beach with my cousin Elsa , thinking that life couldn 't get better than being with your best friend , having fun , and being in the sunshine ! Teddy was the last one to get up . He has the hardest time falling asleep but he can also sleep in , like none of the other kids . In fact , all of the other kids , with the exception of Nina , Teddy and Inga : ) , got up at 6am and went on a sunrise hike with Dan and Joe ! Dan is the embodiment of energy ! I thought I had a lot of energy but that man surpasses all of my capacity and then some : ) When Teddy came out of the bedroom in the morning , he crawled up onto the couch next to Silas who was playing on the iPad . He lifted the blanket that was covering Silas and draped it over his scrawny legs : ) I watched as Silas looked at him and smiled . Those two love each other so sincerely ! They are such little puppies . . . totally savage and wild one second and then soft and precious the next . Silas is built for bigness . Everything about him is stereotypically masculine , his strong shoulders , loud voice , athletic ability . But his heart is that of a soft poet , tender and loving , a contradiction to his rough and tumble exterior . He is such a blessing for Teddy and you can see in Teddy 's eyes that Silas is one of his heroes ! I pray that they will always bless each other , like my cousin Elsa and I have for all our lives , no matter how far we are from each other or how long it has been between seeing one another , we bless each other 's lives ! The boys played on the iPad and waited for a grown up to be ready to go out to the beach while the girls played with Inga . That little Inga has brought such joy to our family . I love babies ! I always have ! I am just like my mom ; she loves babies ! Nina is just like me and my mom ! So funny to see those personality traits in different generations . The three of us ( my mom , me , and Nina ) all get the same smile when we see a baby . . . we get the " Awww . . . . baby love " smile . Some people are nervous about the baby phase or get stressed around babies . Not me and my mom . We love , love , love babies . My favorite phase with my kids ( okay each phase is my favorite . . . so precious . . . but this one is especially a favorite ) was the first couple months of life . Many of my friends couldn 't wait until their babies got bigger , more solid , more interactive , but me . . . . I loved how preciously pure and angelic they were during those first couple of months . I can still hear their little sounds and even feel their tender fingers on the small of my back as I nursed them in the middle of the night . I clearly remember feeling like I was in a sacred moment . . . something no one else on earth had the privilege of experiencing ! Now . . . . I totally know those moments were sacred . . . . every moment is sacred . . . we just get wrapped up in nonsense and fail to recognize the miracles right before us ! ! Teddy working away on the latest fort Mid morning my friend Kristin came for a visit and helped us take photos as we played on the beach . Nina was in her element ! She laughed , ran , played , dug in sand , screeched in delight . To the passer - by , nothing was wrong . We were just a large family having a perfect day on the beach ! I watched Nina walk with her dada . Todd seemed happy , almost like the weight of his sadness and grief was removed for a bit . He was present in the moment , and I thanked God for it ! Teddy and the boys had dug a fabulous fort . The had spent hours on this vacation digging , searching for shells , poking stuff , just enjoying being together and being boys . As we all searched for the perfect shell , Nina bent down and explained that she had found something . Adelae and I turned to look at what she had found and to our amusement , she said , " It 's an egg . " Sure enough . . . it was a chicken egg . No idea how it got buried in the sand but Nina was super proud that she had found it . Silas , Teddy & Henry . . . . so determined ! After finding the egg , Nina and Inga put their little toes in the water . The water here is freezing . . . but it has never stopped any of our kids from getting in . I remember being a child and being impervious to the freezing temperature of the water . Now , you couldn 't pay me enough to get in : ) As Nina and Inga played in the water , I noticed how we were all watching Nina . We had all been doing that the entire weekend . We all knew how blessed we were to be together , to have this time to laugh and play , however , there was a constant unspoken dark cloud , looming just over the horizon . No one wanted to say a word about it , we all tried to just be present in each moment . If we were moved by sadness , no one was angry or bothered , we just went with it . But we were also super cognizant about the happiness that we were being given and I think that for every adult present this weekend we can genuinely say it was probably the first time in all of our lives that we literally did not take one second for granted ! This in of itself was miraculous too ! The beach was a blast but soon it was time for lunch . The kids filed in and we dished up some more yummy grub . Gordy and Sharon are our clean - up crew and we so appreciate their fastidious neatness . . . . the Spycher 's would probably never let us return if it weren 't for our " tidy " Gordy 's clean - up routine is : ) As Gordy and Sharon tried to restore the kitchen from the A - bomb that had exploded during the lunch brigade , Brandi , Inga , Nina , Adelae , Sosie and I went on a walk . By now , the weather had turned again and it was cold . We bundled the girls up and went for a nice walk / stroller ride . Nothing brightens Nina up like that little Inga ! ! The rest of the afternoon was spent playing Majong on the iPad , playing Xbox , corralling the boys to the beach right in front of the house so we wouldn 't have to spend hours walking back and forth from their many distant forts : ) , and just hanging out . Todd 's cousin Shelly and her family joined us for dinner . It was so much fun to see the Jerners . Per , their oldest son , had been a huge part of our lives for the past several years while he lived in Santa Barbara and went to City College . In fact , aside from Kyle , he had been our primary babysitter and Nina adored him . I was relieved that Per came out to visit . Nina used to call him her " Bear " because she couldn 't quite get " Per " out . I knew that Per had been avoiding seeing us , that the pain was daunting for him , but I was so thankful that he had come . He is so young and full of life and it overcame me to see the deep sadness in his eyes . Nina & Per in April 2010 The reality is that none of us can avoid the awful tragedies of life . They are all around us but we often blind ourselves to them because they do not intensely impact us . Nina . . . she is impacting everyone she has ever touched and she is impacting thousands of others whom have never met her . My hope is that through this nightmare , everyone who is walking it with us , praying for us , supporting us , learns that life boils down to two simple things : Being grateful for the blessings in our lives and , Figuring out how we can bless those around us ! The kids and Dan had spent all day collecting fire wood so we had a wondrous campfire . Of course . . . we were missing ingredients for smores so off to the store I went again ( my 20th trip for the day ~ ) . The smores and fire were awesome . . . Teddy and Silas must have repeated that about 50 times . We said goodbye to the Jerners and then goodbye to the Fliflets . Our vacation was coming to an end . It had been tremendous and had allowed us to create incredible memories ! On this vacation , life was good and we were thankful ! |
Hmmm . Where to start . Our awesome , free spirit , intense Mack is now 8 ! We celebrated her birthday with a party at the local rock climbing wall . It was a huge hit with all of the kids . I loved that we had 2 hours to climb the walls , and the two employees were fantastic with the kids . Sorry , no pictures because our camera is MIA . We 've spent the month decorating , singing Christmas carols , baking cookies and visiting with family and friends . Shayna is home for winter break , and it 's always wonderful to have her here . She got her first car this month too ! Thanks to a friend , she now has a 97 Nissan Sentra , and seems very happy with it . And , now Christmas is a mere 2 days away . The shopping is done . The stockings are hung by the stairs . Requests have been made to Santa . Although , neither Mack or Jack will go anywhere near the mall Santa 's , so we rely on letters to him . Jack has been carrying the " Back to Basics " toy catalog around for a month , and is adamant that he wants the ride on excavator - he shows anyone who will look at the picture . He has also asked for , " More friends . new friends . and better friends . Oh yeah , that and more toys ! " Mack 's list consists of batteries and pistachio nuts . My Christmas wish is for health and happiness for those I love . Oh yeah - that and a bunch of Tri gear ! - Peace . Yesterday was Thanksgiving , and I planned to start my day off by running the 1st Annual Bethlehem Turkey Trot . The goal was to take at least 4 minutes off the time of may last race , since I was really sucking wind that day . Well , I didn 't meet my goal . In fact , I added 4 minutes to my last race time . But , I don 't care . No , really , I 'm happy to have been slower than I was a month ago . Now , I know all you runners are scratching your heads , trying to figure out what the heck has gotten into me . I can answer that in one word . . . Mackenzie ! That 's right . Mack ran the race with me ! My seven year old finished her first ever 5k ! With no official training . When I woke up yesterday morning , she said she wanted to go with me to the race . I explained to her how far the run would be , and she decided to give it a try ! So , off we went , to register and get our numbers ! She worked really hard to do her best . Here she is in the 3rd mile ! She finished strong , and was happy to see Kevin , Shayna and Jack there to cheer her on ! Here we are in our post race excitement . It was a great morning , an I 'm so proud of her for running the race with me . She says she wants to do another one ! I 'm trying to keep my glee in check , but it 's exciting to think she might be my future running partner ! I am a Diet Coke Fiend . I have been since I was 18 . Over the years , it has become almost exclusively , the only thing I drink . I accept no substitutes . If there is no soda in the house when I wake up in the morning , I run to the local Mobile to get some before Kevin leaves for the day . Sure , I have water after a workout . And , occasionally I have a glass of wine . Rarely do I touch milk . And , I never drink juice . So , probably 98 % of all fluid intake is Diet Coke . Over the years , I 've tried to cut back every once in a while , but it never works for longer than a few weeks . At most . Well , last Saturday , I decided that I 'm done with Diet Coke . I bought a 20 ounce bottle around lunch time , and by the end of the day , still had about 8 ounces left . I haven 't had any soda since . Has it been hard ? Not too bad . Only in the middle of the night when I wake up thirsty . Only during the work day when I hear the vending machine calling my name from the other end of the building . If the office is quiet , I am sure that I can hear those cans spinning around in their slots , waiting for me to come and liberate them from their prison . And it 's only a little hard when I 'm standing in line at the store , and the person behind me puts a 2 liter on the counter . I thought briefly of offering her $ 5 for her bottle . But honestly , by today , it was okay . I only thought of DC 3 or 4 times . But , once I 'm home from work , I 'm safe . There 's no soda here , and I don 't want to go out to get any . So , I 've made it a whole week ! Will I make it longer ? I think so . I don 't like to fail at things . And , I did find a delicious tea that has been saving my butt every afternoon . When I think about getting a soda , I remember what a friend in recovery said to me , " You don 't have to commit to the rest of your life . You just have to decide for today that you won 't drink . " It 's very much like a strategy I use for biking : I don 't have to promise to ride up every hill , I only have to commit to the one directly in front of me at the moment . How bout you ? Have you tackled any personPosted by Once again , the stars align and things in my life fall into place . In early October , a high school friend and fellow triathlete , asked me if I have any interest in training for a marathon with her . My immediate response was , " well , YEAH ! " I looked at the website of the race she is planning to run , an realized that it seems to be a for profit race . Now , that 's fine for some , but if I 'm going to enter a race , I want my money to go toward making the world a better place . At the same time , these conversations were occurring , I have been following this blog . Ed Peck is a former teacher of mine , who had a significant impact on my life . Since hearing of his battle with Multiple Myeloma Cancer , I have been feeling the need to do something related to this disease in Ed 's honor . And , the stars align . My friend and I talked about running the marathon in Ed 's honor , and using it as a fund raiser . But , guess what ? That 's sort of frowned upon , if the race isn 't alreay identified as a fund raiser for the cause . That left me with one option : Create a half marathon in Ed 's honor . I put the idea out on facebook , and within an hour , had several Tamarac Alumni voicing support and enthusiasm for the idea ! I then contacted the Pecks for their approval of the idea , and they gave me their blessings to pursue the idea ! The next step was to develop an avenue to organize the event through . So , The Dragonfly Adventure was established . So much work has gone into organizing this event , it 's incredible . The half marathon has evolved into a half marathon , a 10k and a community walk ! Ed has identified the Capital District Cancer Resource Foundation as the organization that will receive all proceeds from the day . We met with the Brunswick Town Board last night , and were given preliminary approval to have the race on town roads . The Peck 's are choosing a name for the race , and Tamarac teachers and staff have been told of the events . Stay tuned for more information as this process unfolds . On Saturday Oct 30th , I ran the 5th annual Troy YMCA 's Monster Madness 5k . Kevin and our friend Ryder joined us . Actually , Ryder roped me into this one . She hadn 't run a 5k in 20 years , and wanted some one to plan to run with . Hmmm . Great idea . Except that she kicked my butt and left me in the dust ! She really did fantastic . The first half of this race is mostly uphill , with a few areas of flat grade . Ryder was smart and trained on the course , which paid off for her . Kevin also did fantastic ! He ran sub 9 minute miles , finishing in just over 27 minutes . As for me , let 's just say that I am motivated to run another 5k before the end of 2010 . Because I really can 't let my time in this race be my best time of the year . The uphills wreaked havoc on my ankle . On several of the hills , I had to walk , because it was locking up on me . When I heard my time at the 2 mile marker , I had to do some serious adjustments to my goals for the day . The good news is , that I found a first annual Turkey Trot to take part in on Thanksgiving morning . The course is flat , and the flyer welcomes walkers , so I think it won 't be super competitive . Last night I drove over to Bethlehem after work and ran the course . I had the map in my pocket and had to stop twice to be sure I was going in the right direction . I truly have minimal sense of direction and was starting to convince my self I was going the wrong way , when another runner came by , saw the map , and assured me I was heading the right way . Even after all of that , I took 1 : 20 minutes off of my time from Saturdays 5k ! I 'm feeling better already . It 's amazing what a flat course can do for me . In other news , I 've been working diligently to organize a half marathon in my home town . I 've been asked to present my ideas at the Town meeting next week , and once I have approval to go ahead with the plans , I 'll give more details ! For now , wish me luck . Since I broke my foot last March , my running has suffered . I 've been hesitant to push too hard . I 've allowed the slightest twinge of pain to be reason to stop and evaluate the situation . In short , I have lost my mojo . Well , mojo or not , I 'm being prodded to get my butt in gear . First , my closest friend in life has asked me to do a 5k with her . She hasn 't done one in about 20 years , but she wants to do one on October 30 . Of course , I said yes ! Kevin is going to run it with us also . Let me clarify that : Kevin will be at the starting line with us . He will be eating his third banana by the time we cross the finish line . Last week , my high school friend that does tri 's , Andrea , Face Booked me and asked if I 'd be interested in training for a marathon with her . At first I said yes , but upon further thought , I 've decided to train for a Half Marathon instead . This has sort of taken on a life of it 's own , since a few Tamarac alumni and I have discussed the possibility of organizing a 1 / 2 Mary as a fund raiser for a former teacher of ours , who is battling Myeloma Cancer . I completed week one of the training program for the 1 / 2 marathon , this past Saturday . Week 2 is a repeat of the first week . Sun - rest / or bikeMonday - 30 minute runTues - bikeWeds - 30 minute pool jogging ( to prevent injury ) Thurs - 30 min runFri - restSat - 60 minute run . That 's not so hard . This seems like an obtainable goal . Well , I thought the winds of change were blowing in my life , and I was hopeful . But , it turned out to be more of a slight summer breeze , rather than the major change in weather pattern that I was hoping for . I have learned a great deal in the past couple of weeks . About myself , my husband , and life in general . I did meet with the man from the company I wrote a letter to , and I walked away believing it was a great meeting . We seemed to have similar visions for where things could go in this venture . He said that he had to meet with his accountant and put together some numbers . He said that he 'd get back to me soon with the next steps in the process . I walked away from the meeting energized and excited . I came home and shared the news with Kevin . As excited and enthusiastic as I was , he was equally anxious and fearful . There were too many unknowns for him , and he couldn 't get comfortable with the idea of believing it will all be okay . As we were talking all of this out over a few days , I also had a job offer from my former employer . Herein lied my dilemma : The company I used to work for wanted an acceptance or denial of the position by this past Weds . I hadn 't heard from the other company by Wednesday night . And , I was faced with some difficult decisions at the last minute . Do I accept the sure thing , or take the chance ? Continue to listen to my heart , or play it safe ? Do I chose My goals and dreams at the expense of my husbands comfort level ? Ultimately , I chose to accept the job offer from my previous employer . It is a job I know and like . I 'm good at it . In today 's economy , I was lucky to have three agencies to choose from . So , I chose the one I am most comfortable with . The dust is still settling from the decision I 've made and the events leading up to it . I 'm not sure yet what the long term results will be from my decisions . I do know that I 'll still pursue getting my USAT Tri Coaching certification . In the spring , I may look to start up another running club for girls , although I don 't think it will be through Girls IPosted by Well , I 'm not really going to give a report . I did terribly . It was the Worst race I 've ever had . I 've been in a bad mood all day because of it - beating myself up ; thinking I shouldn 't have even bothered to go . And then , I got a big slice of humble pie , courtesy of this man . I woke up this morning , and I felt sick . My husband and kids didn 't come to cheer me on . My leg and foot went numb during the bike ride ( and stayed that way for most of the run ) , and I was ridiculously slow in every leg of the race . But , I am healthy enough to be out there . My injuries and illnesses are not life threatening , and even though I woke up sick and injured , I chose to go to the race . So , I 'm working on changing the tapes that have been running in my head all day . I 'm working to reframe the experience into something positive . And , I 'm working on figuring out how to bounce back to race times that I can be happier with . Then , I thought of my baby dragonfly . Early in the race , I looked down at my handle bars , and noticed a baby dragonfly hanging out for the ride . He hung on for the entire 10 miles . Some one said , " Hey - they 're good luck ! " and now I realize , I finished a race under less than ideal physical conditions . I didn 't drown , fall off my bike or twist my ankle on the run . Maybe he did bring me good luck . Maybe that was the best I could hope for today . This Saturday is the second annual DACC Tri in Duanesburg . This is the race I did last fall , and the water was so cold , the race organizers would only say " Last week the water temp was about 55 " . I hope it 's warmer this year . I will also note , that my training has been spotty and pathetic . So , although I 'll post a race report , please do not expect any thing spectacular . The good news is , the distances are completely manageable , so I should have fun ! Last night I had a dream that I was facing a tornado . The funnel cloud was completely black and filled most of the sky . As I watched it come closer , there was an ominous feeling in the air . I stood in the window and watched it coming right toward me . My mom was there . So were Mack , Jack , and our Dog . Kevin and Shayna were not there , but intuitively , I knew they were safe . In this dream , I was starting to panic . How will I keep my babies safe ? What will we do if the tornado hits ? Every thing will change , and life as we know it will never be the same . And then my Mom took my arm and said , " take care of right now . It 's scary , but every thing will be okay . " And , I knew she was right . Well , it doesn 't take a dream expert to figure this one out . I 've been facing some big changes in my life , and I 'll fill you in . First ; work . And , this is a big one . As many of you know , I came to my current job over two years ago . I was recruited by the company to start the department up . Until recently , I loved my job . I felt that the company was working hard to become clinically sound , and to truly put people first in all decisions . I felt that upper management was working to shift the perspective of the company , and I was happy to be part of the shift . I loved going to work . I loved the team that I was working with . Then , sometime this spring , we got a new regional manager . He replaced our office manager with one of his golf buddies . They made it very clear that they see no value in my job - because it doesn 't make enough of a profit for the company . They said it loudly , and in front of the entire office . The RM said , he 'd like to eliminate the position in every office across the state . Well , that was the gust of wind , that set the stage for the impending Tornado . Things progressed in a downward spiral from that day on . Finally , 3 weeks ago , I realized that the office I 'm in , is the most unhealthy work environment I have ever been in . So , I resigned . I wanted to walk out immediately , but forced myself to be responsible , and gave a notice . APosted by First , a disclaimer : The entry for my parent 50th anniversary is coming . I 've had some challenges with the photos . Race report : August 8th was the 6th annual Northern Columbia Tri . It was the second year in a row that I competed . I knew that I was grossly unprepared for the run leg , but the race is for such a great cause , I couldn 't resist entering . All proceeds from this race go to research for a cure for Cystic Fibrosis . Every one who works on this event volunteers 100 % of their time . I got to the lake at about 7 : 30 , with a race start time of 8AM . I was in the first wave of swimmers - so all men and women from 35 to 44 . That 's a huge group of fast swimmers . The lake is pretty , and there aren 't a lot of weeds until the end . Good news : I didn 't get kicked in the head this year , and my time was a whopping 9 seconds faster than in 2009 ! I knew what to expect in the transition this year . And I 've learned how much a slow transition can affect your overall time . In this race , there is not transition times . Both swim to bike and bike to run transitions are included in the overall bike time . This year I had a few successes on the bike . First , I took 8 minutes off my bike time from last year ! Second , last year there were 3 hills that I had to walk a portion of . This year , I didn 't walk any portion of the bike leg . I climbed all three hills . The only problem I had on the bike was that on the first major hill , my foot came out of my pedal as I was switching gears ( about a 100 yards from the top ) . It threw me off the bike , and I lost about 3 minutes catching my breath and checking my foot that got twisted in the fall . The run : YUCK ! This is the part of this race that always makes me question my sanity . Most sprint Tri 's end with a 3 . 1 mile run . Not this one ! Oh no ! That would be much to easy ! The NCT finishes with a hilly 4 . 5 mile run ! I knew that I was not prepared to run this whole race . I knew I 'd need to take a few walk breaks . Really , the first 3 miles of this run are uphill . Part of it is a 7 % grade . Because of my foot injuriPosted by My brother in law is in town for a week . He brought his bike with him . Kevin , Paul and I took a great ride this morning . He took some great photos , so I 'll let him give you a ride report . But , I used the ride as a training session for the tri . Here is the ride we did today : 08 / 16 / 2009 Route - Kevin 's 20 milerFind more Bike Rides in Albany , New YorkIn contrast , here is the bike course for the Columbia Tri ! northern Columbia TriFind more Bike Rides in Canaan , New YorkI think I 'll be okay . We rented a cabin on Lewey Lake in the Adirondacks this past week . One of the amazing things about where we live , is that we are less than 2 hours away from the Adirondack Park . Lewey is a small lake just south of Indian Lake . I had some trepidation about this vacation , because in my snobbery , I was worried that it couldn 't compare to a week on the Cape . It was not a week on the Cape , but it was great in it 's own right . First , was the fact that we were able to bring Cammie with us . She had a fantastic time . She joined us for almost every outing and adventure that we took for the week . She spent hours on the beach with us , and nights by the fire . We had opportunities to kayak and canoe several times . Mack and Jack both love to kayak , as do I . They both put a great deal of effort into learning how to paddle and steer this week . I think that Mack is almost ready to tackle a single kayak in calm water . Shayna was with us for a few days . The cabin sat on top of a hill . We walked across a beautiful field and were at the small sandy beach . The kids were able to play with a tube in the water , and they loved it ! On Thursday , we went for a short hike to Auger Falls . This is listed in several hiking books a s a child friendly hike , and it proved to be worth the walk . After our trip to the falls , we were lead back to the car by our Forest Ninjas . All together , it was a great week ! On a side a note , not much training happened this week ! Last night Kevin and I went to the Opening night of Melissa Etheridge 's " Fearless Love " tour . Let me preface this post by saying that I 'm not a musician . I 'm just a huge fan who has some thoughts about the show . Here in Albany , Melissa fans will ask each other , " What 's the first show you went to ? " If you answer , " Saratoga Winners " , You are considered a true fan . I 'm not saying I agree with it , but it is what it is . And , I can proudly tell you that I was at Saratoga Winners that night in 1987 ! I 've seen her half a dozen times since then , but have skipped her shows the last few times she 's been in town . Kevin has never been to a Melissa Show . And , in fact , hasn 't been to any " rock concert " ( as he endearingly referred to it ) since about 1990 . Okay - the show . I love the Palace . I love that there were more men than ever at this show , and that they weren 't getting vibed out by most of the women . Which is amazing , since the first show I went to , there were about 3 guys there , and one of them almost got beat up for bumping into someone . She didn 't have an opening act . Just had some really funky music playing , with video of nature scenes in the background . It didn 't really cut it for me . And it didn 't get any one in the balcony up and on their feet by the time she hit the stage . She opened with Fearless Love and went to Miss California . I have to admit , that if I hadn 't heard an interview with her on NPR , I would never have realized that Miss California is a political statement . She played through most of the Fearless Love album . She completely rocked the house with " Indiana " , and I 'm not sure she anticipated the audience response to that song . It was one of the few times during the show that I felt she was really connected to us , and completely in the moment . She told us a few times that she 's okay . I didn 't particularly believe her . She was not her usual playful self . She didn 't have stories between the songs , to keep us connected and engaged . It seemed that she was just moving through the set list . On one of her older songs ( goinPosted by My little guy turned four today ! It 's been a super fun day for all of us . I 'll tell the story primarily through pictures . 6 : 30 AM - Gift opening time . Shayna gave him a singing card , that started the day off with all of us laughing . Mack gave him a baseball bat and glove . 11 AM - Taking part in the 9th annual Hospice Community Walk . 12 PM - The Refrigerators were on stage entertaining the walkers . The kids were thrilled to see Daddy play . 4PM - friends were over for birthday cake and ice cream . It 's been a great day . Jack was asleep by 6 : 30 tonight . Tomorrow we have part two of the celebrations planned . We 're heading up to the lake for the day . Stay tuned for more photos . I met almost all of last weeks goals ! I missed the third bike ride due to weather and the need for new brakes on my van . So , here 's the break down of how my week went : Sunday : Bike 25 minutes - DoneMonday : Swim 17 minutes . Pool run 15 minutes - Done - did a 17 min swim / 20 min pool run / 30 min walkTuesday : walk / run 20 minutes - done . 22 min walkWednesday : Bike - Krumkill rd ( hills ) - rained all day . SO I did 30 minutes on the trainer . Thursday : Swim 20 minutes - Made Thursday a rest day . On friday I did 15 min swim and a 20 min pool run . Saturday : Bike Long ride . Missed . . Rain and car issues prevented this ride . Over all , I 'm pretty happy with the effort of last week . I have no way of gauging if I 'm made much progress . Every time I want to slow down , I think of the first hill on the NC bike course . That usually keeps me going . Looking ahead , here 's the plan for this coming week : 3 Rides : 1 trainer , 1 hills , 1 long2 pool runs2 swimsI 'm not quite sure how I 'll fit it all in , because Kevin is gigging on 3 nights this week . But I 'll try my best . - Peace . I 've been on the fence about my tri goals for this year . I 've been hesitant to sign up for anything , because of the foot issues . Usually , by this time of the year , I 've signed up for at least one race , and have been actively following a training plan . Well , it 's June 7th , and not a single race organization has got a dime out of me . Fleet Feet of Albany hasn 't made any profit off me in months . No new shoes . No new tri shorts , no Chocolate GU 's . . . . nothing . It 's time for me to do my part and help our economy along . I was out for a walk this morning . Yes , I 've become one of those early morning walker women . been reduced to morning walks . I miss my morning runs . But , I digress . I was walking this morning . Thinking about the races I 've been considering . Thinking about what I really want my goal to be . And , I realized , I don 't want to sit on the bench this season . I want to be on the course . Specifically , I want to be on the course for the Northern Columbia Tri . How do I make that happen ? The answer is amazingly simple . I focus on the bike leg . It 's so simple , I don 't know why I didn 't think of it before . I 've been so focused on getting the clearance to run , that I neglected the biking option . Focusing on the bike leg is a beautiful thing ! So , starting this week I 'll be biking 3 times a week . My training week will be built around the 3 bikes : 1 long , 1 Hill workout , and 1 random with no focus but to build time in the saddle . As of yesterday , there are 8 weeks until the race . Here is this weeks plan : Sunday : Bike 25 minutesMonday : Swim 17 minutes . Pool run 15 minutesTuesday : walk / run 20 minutesWednesday : Bike - Krumkill rd ( hills ) Thursday : Swim 20 minutesFriday : RestSaturday : Bike Long rideGet ready for some Tri focused posts ! So , what has kept me away from the blog ? Hmmm . First , there is end of the school year chaos to be contended with . Shayna came home from New Paltz a couple of weeks ago . We love that she is home , but the transition always requires some time and attention . Mack has had field trips and concerts , and still has homework . Jack is lovable Jack , rolling along with everything that comes his way . Then , there is the weather ! We 've had gorgeous weather here ! The pool has been open since the first week of May , and we 've been using it . The kids have been in almost daily for the past 2 weeks ! Third , Kevin 's schedule and the affects that has on the rest of the family . His school year hasn 't ended yet . SO , he continues to have teaching responsibilities . On top of that , he 's been gigging extensively . Sometimes 3 or 4 gigs a week . That 's a lot of time to be out of the house . And , a huge amount of tasks thrown on to my list , in addition to all the things I do in a normal week . Finally , my foot . Geeze Louise , will this ever get resolved ! I had an MRI done 2 weeks ago , and met with Doc H . this past Friday . The stress fracture has healed . However , the MRI found a second issue that neither of us were expecting . I have bruising of the Talus bone , with significant swelling . I didn 't associate the pain as radiating from that point , but once Doc H . saw the report , he indicated it makes sense that the nerve pain is stemming from that swelling . So , I was instructed to go buy new shoes for work - most of mine have a strap across the top of the foot that is probably irritating everything . And , again I was told no running ( except in the pool ) for 2 weeks . Frustrating , to say the least . But hey . . . . I still have AQUA JOGGING ! I try to say it with enthusiasm . . . sort of the AA philosophy of " fake it til you make it . " I 'll let you know if it works . 1 . Reading the Sunday paper on my back porch . 2 . Celebrating birthdays . 3 . Gardening with Mack and Jack . 4 . Finding a great new children 's book . 5 . Talking to my sister . 6 . An outside bike ride . 7 . Hearing Mack say , " Mommy , will you go for a bike ride with me ? " 8 . Hearing Jack say , " Mommy , will you go for a run with me ? " 9 . Hearing Shayna say , " I 'm coming home this weekend . " 10 . Watching my Dad play with his grandchildren . 11 . Hearing Kevin play his sax . 12 . A walk with my Mom . 13 . A trip to the flower market - with my closest friend . I have to admit , it 's been a pretty awesome weekend . How about you ? I went to the Y tonight with the intention of swimming and doing 20 minutes on the elliptical . But , when I got there , they were having a synchronized swim practice . Ughh ! that is the most annoying thing to have to deal with . So , I opted out of the swim . Went straight upstairs to the elliptical and did that for 15 minutes . I stopped to take a minute and assess how my foot was feeling . It felt great . At that point , my determination kicked in , and I moved to a treadmill . You guessed it . . . I ran ! Okay , it was a 5 minute warm up walk . 4 minute run . 3 min walk . 3 minute run . 3 min walk 2 min run . Then a 2 minute cool down . 22 minutes all together . 9 minutes of running . Which is just under a mile at the pace I was going ! This morning , I feel great ! A few weeks ago Kevin took the kids down to New Paltz to see Shayna . Here are a few of my favorite pictures from the day . And , here 's one . Just to see if Shayna is actually reading the blog ! Well , there 's good news and not - so - good news . Isn 't that the way it usually is ? The not - so - good news : Let 's get that out of the way first . I still do not have clearance to run . It 's going to be at least a couple of more weeks . This is extremely frustrating for me . At this point , I 'm having to rethink my ability to race the Northern Columbia Tri in early August . I 'm not sure how ready I 'll be . The good news : I have clearance to bike , and have been taking advantage of the opportunity . I loaned my Coda to a friend , so I put the Fuji on the trainer . It 's been great ! It is a fairly different feel from the Coda , and I 'm using leg muscles in a different way than I do with the Coda . The waterproof case for the IPod has been a life saver ! It works great , and it makes my pool running much more palatable . So , a couple of times a week , I 've been hitting 25 minute pool running sessions . My swim is improving . Last night , I hit 2 : 30 / 100 yard for a 600 yard swim . That 's about 10 seconds / 100 faster than my usual times . It 's not even close to competitive - but really ? Who am I kidding ? I 'm lucky to not need arm floaties ! So , in the now immortal words of Dorie : I 'll " Just keep swimming " Last night was the meeting of " Bookin ' Feet " . We had a pretty big group of girls this week , and the weather was beautiful . The challenge for me was to find a place where they could run for some distance , and I could stand in the middle and see both ends . We found a hill in the park that is about . 10 of a mile long . The goal for them was to run down and back as many times as possible . We started with some warm up exercises , and two of the girls seemed very uninterested in participating . They were dancing and being fairly inappropriate for being in a park . So , I called them on it pretty quickly . I asked the one girl flat out , " Why are you here ? " She didn 't have much of an answer , but her whole attitude changed . Girl # 2 tends to follow the first girl . When girl # 1 isn 't at the group , girl 2 , is a great runner . SO , I told her that . She came around pretty quickly too . Then the real run ! Those two girls both ran a mile ! Another girl ran 1 . 2 , and another did 1 . 4 ! ! There were 2 other girls , who each ran about . 5 of a mile , but I don 't think either one was feeling well . At the end of the run , I pulled out 4x6 note cards and wrote : 4 / 13 / 2010 [ name ] ran 1 mile today ! And , half of it was uphill ! It was such a little thing . But , you know what : Each of those girls held onto those cards for the rest of the day . They showed their parents when they were picked up , and 2 said they were taking them in to show their PE teachers . Sometimes , it 's the little things that make all the difference . - Peace My foot is still kicking my Arse ! I have clearance to swim and do pool running . Let me tell ya , pool running is about as fun as going to the dentist . Okay , it 's not quite that bad . But , it 's not so great . I did purchase a waterproof case for my I - pod and sprang for the 2 day shipping . So , that will be here on Tuesday , and it should make the whole thing better . I 'll let you know how it works . In the work world , I 've had a great week . It started with a three day NYS TBI conference for all the clinical directors and Program Managers in the state . We were joined by our state director , three regional directors and the VP of clinical services in the northeast . The information covered during the conference was fantastic . I felt like it was the best , most productive conference I 've been to in a long time . My colleague and I returned to our office with some great ideas for how to improve the quality of care that we offer . We met yesterday and developed our list of goals and our plans to address them . This afternoon I forwarded the list to my office mates and our 4 supervisors who had organized the conference . Within 15 minutes , all 4 supervisors responded to the email with incredibly positive feedback . Within 30 minutes , the VP of the company had been sent the email , and responded to our office ! I 'm so proud of this . In a national organization that provides health care services , it 's pretty amazing to realize that we 've put together some plans that are being recognized as " Stellar " by the VP . It was a great way to end the week ! A few weeks I wrote about Bookin Feet , the group I created for Girls , Inc . in town . I think it 's time for an update . We 've been meeting weekly , and it 's been awesome ! We 've been continuing to read " Sahara 's Special " and the girls seem to enjoy it . The group can be as big as 7 girls on some weeks , but there are 4 girls that are there every time , and seem to really love running and reading . The fluctuation of attendance has made the reading a little difficult . The books stay at Girl 's Inc for the week , so if some one misses a week , they 've missed at least a chapter . I 'd love to find a sponsor to purchase a book for each of the girls . Then , they could have it when we 're done with the group . They can now run . 8 of a mile with out walking ! Since we only meet once a week , I think that 's pretty good . Many of the girls live in area 's of the city that prohibit them from going out to play and run around safely . That means , they only get to exercise at school and during our sessions . As the weather is getting nicer , we 'll be able to spend more time outside . That should help us improve our distances . I love the enthusiasm these girls show . This past week it was raining , windy , and about 40 degrees out . As soon as I walked in the door , they were begging to go outside and run ! So we did ! Well , they ran . My foot is still broken , so I cheered them on , and kept time for them . This week , I 'm researching some area 5k 's that are scheduled for around the end of our session . Next step , for me to contact a few of the races , and see if they will let the girls run for free . Wish me luck on that ! I 've created a Facebook group . In the hopes of branching out and finding some people who might want to volunteer time , or purchase books , or help cover the cost of T - shirts for the race . Check it out and join ! Hey - it never hurts to dream ! I 've been spending time trying to pull some positives out of this forced time off from training . It hasn 't been easy , and I 'm not finding a lot of positives . But , I am learning some things about myself . Here are a few of those things : 1 . My lifestyle is pretty darned active . In contrast , Most people my age are not as active as me . Therefore , they don 't get why this is a big deal . 2 . My kids are pretty darn active . But , they are content to hang with me and watch a movie in the evening . 3 . I have a hard time sitting down to watch a movie . Even with my kids . when I 'm not injured , I never actually sit when a movie is on . 4 . I like coaching / working with preteen girls . I 've continued to work with the Girl 's Inc group that I started . And , it 's been great . The girls are fun , and like pushing themselves to run a little better every week . 5 . I am not a patient person , when the patience is needed for myself . I want my foot to be better . Non . I want to be running and biking . Now . In contrast , I am very patient with the people I work with . 6 . I think like a runner / biker . When I 'm driving , I am generally assessing my route in reference to what type of run / bike course it would be . I never really noticed this until now . Probably because it 's coupled with the frustration of knowing that I can 't run or bike . That 's it for now . - Heidi Saturday I did a scheduled bike ride . It was a high intensity workout to get a sense of lactation thresh hold - meaning that the purpose of the workout was to go so hard that I wanted to hurl . It was awesome ! I averaged 5mph faster than my normal workout - and maintained it for 30 minutes . By the time I finished , I could barely walk . My quads were screaming for a break . My knees ached . My feet throbbed . Even Jack and Mack thought I looked and smelled disgusting : ) I showered , and got dressed to go to my Great Uncle Pete 's memorial service ( More on that later ) I popped a few ibuprofen and went on my way . Then , later that night , I was sitting on the couch with the kids . I flexed my foot , and something snapped . It sent my foot into immediate muscle spasms , with swelling and a bruise . I iced it , took ibuprofen and elevated it right away . But , I ended up crying myself to sleep with the pain . Sunday morning the pain and swelling were worse . I waited for urgent care to open , and headed over there for some Xrays . Those showed nothing . The Dr . thought I probably ruptured a tendon . So , she wrapped my foot , gave me crutches and a post - op shoe and instructions to follow up with Ortho . I woke up this morning , and again the swelling and pain were worse . Despite the fact that my drill sarg . . . I mean really supportive husband made sure that I iced every 20 minutes , and didn 't get off the couch all day . I managed to get in to ortho this afternoon . This is one of the Dr 's who consults with the NY Giants when they are in town for spring training . So , I know he 's good . Before I even let him look at my foot , we talked about my lifestyle . I told him that it 's important he understands that I 'm not a 40 year old soccer mom , who 's main goals are to wear cute shoes , and shop in the mall all day . More xrays ensued . Then a diagnosis . Stress fracture with possible tendon damage . Now , I am in this lovely piece of DME : I 'm looking at 2 weeks in this beautiful piece of hardware . I can try swimming in a week , but nothing before that . When I looked frustratePosted by No foot injury is ever straight forward for me . I 've been having some pretty extreme foot pain for the past 3 weeks . Wakes me up in the middle of the night sometimes , and if I touch the top of my foot in the right spots ; Well , it 's excruciating ! But , it doesn 't hurt when I run . ( Figure that out ) . So , I finally went to the Dr yesterday . Of course , he took one look at it and said , " hmmm . This is weird , and way out of my league . I 'm sending you to a specialist . " He sent me for some xrays to rule out an occult fracture . . . results still pending . Hopefully , I 'll get in to see the Podiatrist this week . In the meantime , my running volume is going to be cut way down . Oh well , if it was straight forward , it wouldn 't be my foot : ) First , I got 5 days of training in ! That 's the first time I 've done that in a long time . I hit 199 minutes of training . The goal was 318 minutes , so I 'm still not close , but I 'm okay with that , and I 'll explain why in a little while . I did increase volume by 62 minutes from the previous week , which is significant . I have 2 concerns when I look at the week . First , I didn 't swim at all . It 's not a huge deal in terms of the long term goal , but I should be getting in the pool at least once a week . Second , I experienced some sensitivity to touch on the top of my foot . It doesn 't hurt to walk , run or bike . But , if even the sheets brushed over the top of my foot , I woke up in pain . And , the last time I did swim , the water pressure hurt during kicks . I 'm hoping that it is related to some shoe issues , and will easily resolve itself . Now , why aren 't I worried about missing my training minute goals ? 2 reasons . First , I made conscious decisions through out this week , to put my family first on several occasions . It 's what I needed / wanted to do . So instead of scrambling to try to make up the missed minutes , I let them go . Second , I am loosely following a Beginner Triathlete 20 week plan for an Oly distance . But for the swim and run , that is over training for what I need . My " A - list " race is the Northern Columbia Sprint Tri . However , this is not a traditional sprint distance race . The swim is a 1 / 4 mile . That 's standard for a sprint . But the bike is 19 . 5 miles , which is closer to Oly distance . And the run . . . The run is a grueling 4 . 5 with about 3 of it all uphill . Last year , the run killed me ! So , given that the bike and run are in between sprint / Oly distances , there is no real training plan specific to me . If I chose a sprint distance training plan , I will be woefully under prepared . If I follow the oly plan , I have room to not make all my planned minutes each week . What 's up for this week ? 3 runs totaling 11 miles . That should be about 110 minutes . 2 bikes , totaling 155 minutes . 1 swim , totaling 30 minutes . That 's it . Peace . I 've been keeping a secret . Now I 'm pretty sure my sister is jumping up and down , shouting , " YOU ' RE PREGNANT ! " NO ! That 's not it . I 've been working on a project for a few months now , and it 's finally up and running ! In my career , I often work with women who have really had a rough life . Many times , I 've met a woman and realized that she has had so much trauma in her life , prior to her injury , that the recovery process is going to be long and difficult . It makes me angry . As I get to know these women , I realize that from the time they were little girls they 've been belittled , put down , demoralized , and some times horrifically abused . That 's a lot for any woman to get through . Now , add in all the cognitive and behavioral challenges that can occur with a brain injury , and the struggles can seem almost insurmountable . Often I think , " if some one had paid attention when she was a kid , Maybe she 'd have a chance now . " It 's a thought that has haunted me for a long time . A feeling that we need to invest more energy on our children . Then , back in the early summer , I started to develop an idea . A concept that combines two things I love . Two things that helped me get through tough times in my life . Reading and running . I started to try to figure out how I could work with young girls , combining those 2 activities , to help girls build their self esteem , find a voice , and increase their self confidence . The idea : To meet weekly with a group of girls , in 4th through 6th grade . We would use a book with a strong girl as the main character . Each week , our time would be broken into 3 segments . Warm up games / discussion focusing on a specific theme in the book . Training - some running and walking . Focusing on getting stronger with the ultimate goal of running a 5K . Cool down / discussion of how our lives are similar to the characters , or how the book relates to our life . I met with a woman from the local chapter of " Girls Inc " last fall , and pitched my loosely formed idea to her . She loved it . And " Bookin ' Feet " was born ! I spent time scouring the Posted by Man , I 've been struggling with getting all my workouts in ! Last week , I was scheduled to do 2 bikes , 3 runs and 2 swims . For a total of 288 minutes of training . I managed : 2 runs , 1 bike and 1 swim . for a total of 137 minutes . OUCH ! Geez Louise - that 's not good . So , I took a look at what happened , and here is what I discovered : 1 . In the training plan I 'm following , Sunday is a long day , with a bike and a swim . I missed both last week . 2 . The long swim was scheduled to be 40 minutes . There 's no way I can do 40 minutes of swimming right now . I 'm just not there . 3 . I missed a run . No excuses - I just didn 't commit to it . This is what I 'm thinking : 1 . I 'm following an oly plan right now . But , this might not be the year to tackle that . I might have to drop back to sprint training , because of time commitments and constraints . 2 . If I do follow through with the Oly training , I will have to accept that I will always be under the scheduled training minutes , because of the swim issue . 3 . Unlike most people , the weekends don 't work for my long training sessions . Kevin is much too busy on the weekends , and I just cant fit in a 2 hour training session . 4 . Even though I only did 137 minutes last week , it 's still more than I 've done in the past month . So , from a perspective of injury prevention , jumping to 288 minutes last week would have been foolish . 5 . Not related to tri training - but it looks like the 1 / 2 mary I heard was going to be organized for April , isn 't going to happen . So , that makes things a bit easier . I 'll see how this week goes , and if I can identify other trends , then make a decision about how to proceed . And , Once Kevin gets settled into the new band , life should get easier . The " Hope for Hannah " black tie affair that I attended with Kevin the other night was fantastic . This was a fund raising event to support research looking for a cure for GAN . Which is a rare genetic neurological disorder . Almost nothing is known about this disease . Hannah 's parents started this organization to fund research looking for treatment . We took separate cars , because he had a second gig later in the night , which I chose not to go to . The preparations for the evening were almost as much fun as the event itself . Shayna came home for the weekend to help me get ready , and to babysit . We went dress shopping , and I had great luck finding this little black dress and the shoes to go with it : On Saturday , I spent much time pulling all the little details of the outfit together . Shayna did my hair for me . It was much more refined than I generally wear it . This was Kevin 's second official gig with the Refrigerators . All I can say , is what an awesome band ! They sound great and have fantastic attitudes . I met several of the wives , and they were all very welcoming to me . And , at the end of the night , Dexter joined in the fun . He looked quite handsome wearing my bracelet as a crown . Sitting in our freezing office , I had this exchange with my coworker : Me : " If you really want to get warm , go use the ladies room on the next floor . It 's like 85 degrees in there . " " How do you know that ? " " Sometimes I use that bathroom so that I can run up a flight of stairs to get my heart rate going . " " You need help . " With a look of total disbelief on her face . Update time : After three auditions , Kevin was offered the job I mentioned a couple of weeks ago . Now that he is officially in , i can tell you that he 'll be playing with The Refrigerators ! These guys are awesome ! And it will be a fun opportunity for him . This Saturday I am going with him to the black tie fundraiser that is on their home page . I 'm not gonna lie , I 'm a little nervous about going to a black tie event . I mean really , what the heck am I supposed to wear ? Shay is back at school , safe and having fun . The kids miss her . Especially Jack , and in the past he hasn 't missed her very much . But , every day he tells me the story of when he was " Borning " and he was crying and cold and the only person at the hospital with him was Shayna , and she held him and kissed him and he stopped crying . Because she loves him the best . That 's his story , and he 's sticking to it . Mack just received 2 " Student of Character " awards at school . The assembly was today , and my mom was able to go . My trip to Tampa was fun . I learned quite a bit about the company : it 's history and the vision of our new management team . Plus , I got to play beach volleyball for an afternoon ! Although I haven 't chosen a half marathon yet , I 've started the training this week . Hopefully I 'll find something nearby . That 's it for now . More to tell , but I 'm tired . So , it 'll wait for another day . Peace . ~ Heidi Back in November I received a copy of " The Essential Triathlon Swimming " DVD from Tri swim coach Kevin Koskella . I 've finally had time to really watch the video a couple of times , and get in the pool to try out the drills . Last night I went to the Y with the kids . It was the perfect time to try a few things out . I 'm here to tell ya - I expect to see some serious improvement in my swim , if I work my way through the video . Thanks Kevin ! Stay tuned for an update in a couple of weeks . A few big things have been happening around here . Let me see if I can bring y ' all up to speed . First , Kevin has been asked to audition with a premiere funk band in the area . His audition is this Wednesday , so he 's been crankin on the tunes - getting ready . Not to mention , he 's spent some time improving his stage image . Shhhh . . . don 't tell him I told you , but he even got his eyebrows waxed ! He looks Fantastic ! Stay tuned for the results of the audition . Shay has been getting ready to head back to school this weekend . So , she and the kids have been spending every possible minute together . She 's pretty psyched to be going back . Plus , I have a conference in Tampa that I have to go to from this Thursday through Sunday . It 's amazing how much effort it takes to go out of town . We had a conference call today , during which we were told to dress Business casual for the whole weekend . Well , that 's a problem for me . I 'm supposed to dress that way all the time , but I definately push the envelope into " casual " often . I mean , I 'm doing home visits all week long . Sometimes in not so great neighborhoods . So , I 'm not kidding when I say that I have to wear shoes and clothes that I can run in if I need to . It 's only happened twice in the past 10 years , I promise Mom ! Anyway , this meant that I had to go buy some new clothes . I 'm never great at buying new clothes , especially when it 's under pressure . But , I had great luck today ! I found the best dress ! And some awesome black boots ! I love black boots . I 'd have 5 pairs if it wouldn 't give poor Kev a heart attack . Finally : training . I got in the pool last week for the first time since October . I 'm hoping I 'll be able to swim while in Florida . The hotel web site says their outdoor pool is heated - so we 'll see . I 've been running 3 times a week pretty consistently . And . . And this is exciting . . . I 'm seriously considering running a 1 / 2 marathon in April ! I 'm spending some time looking at some training plans and seeing if I can make the time commitment , and make them work with my tri training . The gPosted by " you 're fat ! " That is what one of the boys in Mack 's class told her on friday . I found out this morning , because she didn 't want to go to school today . All children are teased at some point , so I 've been preparing myself for the day that I would have to console her and help her through something hurtful that some one has said . To be honest , I expected her to be teased about the way she dresses , or her hair . That would make sense . I mean , she wears boys underwear , for goodness sake ! Yet , she has never been teased about her clothes . In fact , the whole class came to her defense earlier this year when a substitute teacher was unkind to her . How do 6 and 7 year old boys get so mean about weight ? How do they know that it is one of the surest ways to cut someone down ? So , here is my skinny ( and I mean I can count her ribs through her shirt skinny ) , little 7 year old standing in front of a mirror , questioning her body image . Ultimately , I guess I 'm glad it happened at such a young age , when what her family thinks and says is still more important than what that boy thinks . Now , I know the reality of what girls are up against . Somehow , I was hoping it had changed in the past 10 years . But it hasn 't . Now , we can tackle this head on , and we will . The first thing I did , was send an email to her teacher . He is fantastic , and I 'm sure that he will address the issue with the class in a gentle and nonjudgmental way . At home , we will continue to talk about healthy choices , and how to deal with meanness in general . The alternate title for this post is : " Hey , All you Clueless New Years Resolutionists : Learn some Gym Etiquette ! " Let me start by saying , I understand and accept that the gym is going to be extremely busy in January . I try to be patient with all the new people . After all , at some point in the past most of us started working out because of a resolution we made to ourselves . I joined the gym several years ago to use the pool . My foot had a chronic injury and I needed to find a new type of exercise that I could do . I am very aware that I was clueless about pool etiquette at that time . But , I asked questions . OF every one ! I asked lifeguards , and other swimmers , and general staff . You get the point . I wish my gym would have a letter or post basic etiquette up for beginners to read . This is where I would start : In the Locker room : 1 . There is one bench for 20 lockers . Therefore , it would stand to reason , that said bench is not there for your use exclusively . Please share . 2 . If you drag hair on the shower walls , clean it up when you leave the shower . 3 . Put some clothes on ! There is really no need to blow dry your hair completely naked . 4 . If you track mud into the locker room , grab a paper towel and clean it up . 5 . The sign that says , " Children are not allowed in the Woman 's changing room . " Is referring to all children . Your " adorable " 7 year old son does not belong in the woman 's locker room . The Pool : 1 . Children do not belong in the lap lanes . I don 't care how adorable you think they are . 2 . Look at yourself in the mirror before you leave the locker room . If your bathing suit is see through - we don 't want to see you ! 3 . Please don 't dive into my lap lane from the deep end . There 's no guarantee that I saw you enter my lane . 4 . That sign that says " Please shower before entering the pool " Means YOU ! The Fitness Center : 1 . Cell phones don 't belong in the gym . 2 . If you are standing on a treadmill , Use the treadmill . 3 . This one is for your own safety : If you are so out of breath that you have to jump onto the side bars of Posted by It has been an incredibly busy few weeks for me . Getting ready for , and celebrating Christmas is a whirlwind of activity . I love it , but it has kept me away from blogging ; both writing one and reading others . Now that it 's January 2nd , things should begin to quiet down . Christmas was fantastic ! Santa brought the family a great gift . Well , it 's really for Kevin , Mack and Jack . I have fun watching and listening to them ! We also have a new firefighter in the house ! And of course , while the drums were being put together , Mack and Jack played with the box the set came in ; despite having many new toys unwrapped and waiting for them . As for me , the kids and Kevin gave me a beautiful silver bracelet , a gift certificate for a massage , and swim lessons at my " Y " ! I also got new slippers from Shayna - I love new slippers ! Now , it 's time to think about 2010 and perhaps setting a few goals for the new year ! ~ Peace . Heidi |
Walls . White walls . White padded walls . Day in . Day out . White padded walls . Let me tell you why I see these white padded walls day in and day out . I am , or at least according to several doctors , certifiably insane . Hallucinations , paranoia , schizophrenia , multiple - personality disorder , the list goes on . I was a normal , working class man , living the American dream . I had a wife . I had two children . My income was high and my debt was low . I had it all . Then things started to go wrong . They started to go in a direction I couldn 't even fathom . My wife and I had always wanted to go to the British Isles , but for the longest time , t he money wasn 't there . It took seven years and two promotions before we could even begin to think realistically . Anyway , after months of careful planning and preparation , we were on a plane flying over the Atlantic Ocean . Just me and her . No kids . No job . Nothing but beautiful scenery and relaxation for twenty - four straight days . Fast forward a week . Having taken in many of the big city sights , we decided to see some of the smaller places out in the countryside . We packed a small bag of essentials and took a cab into the rural side of England . This is where things started to go wrong . Not ' the whole world is coming to an end ' wrong , but it sure felt like it . We came across an old tailor in a moderately decorated cabin . he said he had been making suits for over sixty - five years . My interest was piqued . I decided to splurge a little bit and buy one . Nothing beats the craftsmanship of a home - tailored suit . After playing for it and calling for a cab , a picture on a wall caught my eye . It was old . Black and white . Mid 50s . It was a very tall and very slim suited man standing on a grassy plain . His face appeared to be smudged out . It was old . I didn 't think much of it . Even so , something about this picture was unnerving . It gave me an odd vibe . It felt almost . . . menacing . I inquired about the photo , but the old man refused to talk about it . That just added fuel to my mental fire . Days upon days had passed , and my wife and I took in every sight , every castle , every grassy knoll we possibly could but , alas , eventually we had to go home . Part of us wanted to stay , but we were exhausted . There was no way we could spend any longer there . Our flight back home was vague as we were both asleep most of the time ; the drive back home was hazy . We just wanted to relax . As I pulled into the driveway , something was off . Something didn 't feel right . I got the same feeling I had when I saw the picture inside the tailor 's home . It was a feeling of dread and curiosity . I didn 't want to continue , but my mind forced me to . I stepped out of my car and when I stood onto the concrete , my legs suddenly gave out . I fell to the ground onto my right house and found myself able to force myself up . I must be more tired than I thought . My wife helped me up and supported me to the bedroom . I was going to be asleep for a very long time . That night , I was plagued by nightmares of the suited man on the grassy plain . It wasn 't really a bad dream as much as it was his presence haunting me in my subconscious . Just standing there , unnaturally tall , unnaturally thin . Standing there without a face , an identity . No matter how hard I tried , his face never focused . It was as though the picture had come alive in my thoughts but remained unchanged . This went on until I had been abruptly woken up by the sound of a smashing of a lap . I raced down the two flights of stairs leading from the bedroom to the living room . Armed with only a brick we used as a doorstop , I slowly crept to where the only lamp in our house used to be . I knelt down to pick up a piece to examine when I felt a slight blow of wind from behind me , like a person running past . I shot up faster than a startled cat . I s [ pun around to see who or what that was . My eyes had still not adjusted , so surrounding me was nothing but darkness . My next thought was to listen . Nothing . Not a single thing . Not even the sound of a house settling . Maybe it was my nightmare , or fatigue playing tricks on me . Maybe we had a slight tremor that caused the lamp to inch off the table . Regardless , I was tired and I sorely wanted to get some nightmare - free sleep . Throughout the rest of the night , the " slender " man was everywhere within my dreams . He was a bit curious though . He only ever seemed to cautiously hide behind trees . Only in the original photo was he completely exposed . Even subconsciously I wished I hadn 't moved next to a forest knowing he could be lurking . Watching me . Analyzing me . It didn 't take long to force myself awake . I looked to my left . 10 : 46 AM . I looked to my right . My wife was calmly sleeping . Lucky her . I dragged myself out of bed and slowly made my way downstairs . I half expected the TV to be blaring with my kids ' eyes glued to the screen but then I realized that they were at their Grandma 's house . They were due back that day . I was going to miss the quiet , but it was alright - I missed my kids even more . I continued down the stairs , hoping to get a game of Solitaire in on the computer , when something made me feel very weak and hollow . The lamp . It wasn 't broken . But it wasn 't brand new either . Someone took the pieces and shoddily glued them back together . And the glue wasn 't glue . it was black and rubbery , like tar . I would have tasted it for origin , but that 's never a good idea . My wife needed to wake up . Soon . I was starting to panic . I explained what had happened the night before , about the lamp and the nightmares and such . She just rolled her eyes and told me I was on something . Wives . Sometimes I think they do it on purpose . Anyway , still feeling uneasy from this morning , I managed to force myself to look out into the forest behind our house . it was very calm . Nothing out of the ordinary . it wasn 't completely dark , so it didn 't look nearly as ominous as it usually did at night . I was badly lamenting this night , in particular . Suddenly , I saw a light out of the corner of my eye that caused me to nearly jump out of my skin . It was just the kids getting dropped off . i swear I was thinking too much into this . I couldn 't keep my nerves steady half the time . Hours passed . We played with the children . We put them to bed . We relaxed on the couch . My wife was asleep on my chest . I was nodding off . I slowly closed my eyes . It wasn 't long before the quiet was broken and my wife and I were woken up . A window broke upstairs . In a panicked flurry , we ran up the stairs as fast as we could . Our eldest son , scared out of his mind said it came from his brother 's room . Without even thinking , I kicked the door in . Only the night light int he far corner brought light into the pitch black room . And there he was . The man from my dreams . The slender man . Hovering over my son 's bed . Having seen him , I acted without even knowing what was going on . Punches were thrown . Long black tendrils whipped all around . The last thing I remember was being held tightly above the ground and thrown against a wall . That 's when I blacked out . When i came to , my wife was in tears . I had three cracked ribs . My son was gone . The slender man had my son and there was nothing I could do . But I knew he was going to come back , and that was when I would get him . The rest of the day was full of emotion . My wife could hardly stop crying . My other son was in a constant state of shock . I could barely think straight . I did , however , manage to call the police . I told them my son had been abducted by a man in a long black suit . I kept the detail of the tendrils to myself in fear they wouldn 't believe me . But that was the least of my worries . I needed to figure out when he would return . The police showed up and took each of our statements . They examined my son 's room . They did a quick scour of the forest outside . it seemed not a single piece of evidence was found . They began to leave when something hanging from a very high up branch caught their eye . It was a piece of material . Black . Pinstriped . Much like the suit I bought while I was on vacation . I pointed this out to the police and they inquired to see my suit . I gladly showed them the way . When they opened the closet door , what they found was beyond belief . Wrapped in my now tattered suit was my son . Completely drenched in blood . He didn 't look conscious . Both myself and the police were shocked and disgusted . That 's when I blacked out . When I came to , I was in an unfamiliar place . Grey painted walls . Small windows on one of them . One exceptionally bland table . Great , I was in an interrogation room . I sat there , alone , for the good part of an hour before actual human life entered the room with me . Now , my memory is a bit hazy at this point so I 'll try to sum up the conversation as best as possible . Your son is dead . Deepest sympathies to you and your family . I 'm not fully guilty , but the evidence leans toward it . A further investigation must be held . You will be brought back home but you will be under constant supervision . And so on and so forth . I was driven home in the back of a police cruiser . Last time I was there was in high school when vandalism was the cool thing to do . I was welcomed with open arms from my still sobbing wife and my emotionless son . Going back wasn 't easy . Thankfully , we didn 't have to stay very long . The police explained that we were going to stay at a hotel for a few days . We gathered our things when a picture from our fridge caught my eye . It was a picture my late son drew . When I saw it , my heart nearly stopped . In the cutest drawing style you can imagine was my son standing next to a tall , faceless man in a black suit . I made sure no one was around to see me stuff the picture into my pocket . The hotel was what you would normally expect . Simple wallpaper . Two twin beds . One TV . Cheap flowery design on everything else . It would have to do since we were stuck there . We settled in , placing our stuff and lying down . I , on the other hand , went into the bathroom , the only place I knew was private . I locked the door and took the picture out of my pocket . I scoured the page for clues but to no avail . All that was there was the crude drawing and his name scribbled into the bottom corner . The thing that unnerved me most was the fact that the slender man had no face . No identity . Not a single outstanding feature . It rattled me to the core . But I had enough stress from today . I needed sleep . Badly . The night was rough but I managed to sleep . Not a single dream with the slender man , either . Then , a banging came from the door . Being half asleep the whole time , it scared the shit out of me . I turned to my right . 5 : 14 AM . Heads were going to roll . I dragged myself out of bed and very slowly opened the door . It was the police officer that drove us here . He had a look of panic on his face . He said my son was missing . Nothing clicked . It took me a good minute to wake up and grasp reality again . My son was missing again . Snatched right from the hospital . But this time , I knew where he was . I had to get back to the forest . I had to find the remains of my suit . It was the only way to stop the slender man . But I knew it wasn 't going to be easy . I asked the police officer if he could drive me back to my house as I had forgotten something . He pondered a moment and obliged . This time , I had been allowed to sit in the passenger seat . The ride there was quiet . I tried to get some sleep . He didn 't start any conversation . When we got there , I was careful to make sure no one else saw me . I entered the house through the front door and quickly escaped out the back and headed for the forest . It was still very dark out so traversing the heavily wooded area was not easy . The only light that came through was that of the moon . So I walked , almost blind , hoping to find some scrap of my suit . It seemed to be impossible until amidst the darkness , I saw a scrap of paper . The white of it stood out like a sore thumb . I leaned down to pick it up and when I turned it around , what I saw completely horrified me . It was another drawing by my son , with both him and the slender man . But this one was different . There were three other people . A boy the same height as him , an older looking girl , and another boy as big as the girl . Then it dawned on me . It was us . My family . My son drew us in with the slender man . Then , from me behind me , heard branches snap and footsteps of a single man . I was terrified . I knew for sure it was the slender man . Then I saw a beam of light . It was the police officer . I ran up to him and showed him the picture . I explained that my family was in great danger . All he told me was that there was nothing he could do . He said I should go back to the car and we would go back to the hotel . A million thoughts ran through my head . Should I concede ? Should I resist ? What I did next is peanuts compared to what was about to unfold , but I didn 't know , and looking back , I didn 't want to . I gave into the police officer 's request and began to head back to the car . While he had his back towards me , I picked up a fair - sized stone and brought it down upon his head . He staggered a bit and fell to the ground . I took the car keys off of him and ran towards the car . It was still dark . I needed to get back to the hotel . I screeched to an immediate halt in the hotel parking lot and ran towards the door where we were staying . I swung open the door to behold the one thing I was trying to prevent . Amidst all the blood that painted the room were three bodies making a circle around the slender man . He turned and looked at me . His hollow , nonexistent eyes stared deep into me . Emotions I had never felt before , emotions without names , filled my brain and body . It was like he was making me feel everything he ever had . And with an outstretched hand , he said only one thing . One thing that would be burned into the back of my mind forever . Sirens came from behind me . I turned around to see the police cruisers pull into the parking lot and watched them get out . Using car doors as shields with their guns aimed at me , I raised my hands above my head . I slowly looked behind myself to see the slender man fade to nothing , leaving only a tattered suit in a heap on the floor . He killed my family . My life would never be the same . And yet , something told me I was never going to see him again . I would never be able to exact revenge , even if I figured out how to . Everything up until the white padded walls isn 't exactly clear to me . I 've been told that after they saw me at the hotel with my DNA on the suit , I was made the primary culprit . After they arrested me and subjected me to frivolous testing to which they got nothing more than unintelligible noises , I was submitted to this place . The white padded walls . The same white padded walls I see all day , every day . No one will know what happened to me and my family . The emotions that were broadcast to me caused me to lose my ability of speech . Now , all I can do is write and draw . I write out the emotions that the slender man felt . I draw the things he has seen . They are what keeps me here . I am a victim of another man 's emotion . Sometimes , I feel like I have become him . Like we were the same being . That day , I learned something . AnonymousSeptember 13 , 2010 at 9 : 11 AM " He said my son was missing . " The older son ? Or is the younger son 's body missing ? Either way , why is only one cop involved in this new search , and why does he allow the murder suspect to come along , leaving his wife ( and maybe older son ) alone with no police protection ? Wait . The officer tells him they 're going back to the hotel . Our guy then beans the cop and steals his keys . . . so that he can go back to the hotel . Huh ? Also , Slender Man has eyes now ? And talks ? B + up until they get to the hotel and it all gets stupid . ReplyDeleteInunahSeptember 14 , 2010 at 2 : 03 AMYou know , instead of your analysis , I was half - expecting " slendormun " and " THEN WHO WAS SLENDER " comments . ReplyDeleteAnonymousSeptember 14 , 2010 at 8 : 51 AMYour site is too awesome for that : DI just get annoyed when junk gets mixed in with really great stories and content . Then again , I guess sorting through to find the gems is half the fun . ReplyDeleteAnonymousOctober 8 , 2010 at 4 : 07 AMTHEN WHO WAS SLENDERReplyDeleteRepliesmercilesscuttlefishApril 18 , 2012 at 10 : 49 PMHe was both of them and neither of them . I think that what this story is trying to say is that that there is a Slender Man in all of us . He is our fear and our doubt . He is our repressed emotion and desire . He is our best friend and our worst enemy . He is our darkest self . This story is a metaphor for that . DeleteReplyAnonymousNovember 5 , 2010 at 9 : 31 PMWas Slender Phone ? ReplyDeleteAnonymousSeptember 21 , 2011 at 8 : 29 PMWait . . . so is the husband really crazy ? Did he really kill his family ? I don 't understand the last sentence . ReplyDeleteAnonymousJanuary 1 , 2012 at 7 : 36 PMI don 't understand this story at all . If the guy really was crazy , why would they let him post this on the internet ? Even if they just thought he was crazy , why would they let him go online and tell his story ? And since when does slender man have eyes , talk and kidnap in that fashion ? They is obviously fake , and even I don 't believe in slender man anymore , I know this is a total hoax . - PicNewer Post Hello there . I am a single father of two three - year old boys . Their favorite show is Barney and Friends . . . . well , it used to be . . . until las . . . |
Life has dealt some heavy blows to Mackenzie Tillar . Bullied as a child , and no one to turn to , the one person , who was meant to protect her , to raise her , and surround her with unconditional love , had let her down . Kenzie learnt to deal with life in her own promiscuous way . Until that one fateful night when she met Sam , now she was contemplating breaking the very rules she had instigated . For Samuel Edwards , being orphaned at a very young age meant that he found his own way in life . He lives it as he pleases , no room for relationships , no belief in love . It was never a part of his life . He 'd never craved it , and never missed it . Until one night when he meets his match with Kenzie , she has the same rules , same fears . They are both void of love , both not even searching for anything else . Fate brings them together , and thirty - six questions ignite a spark in them both . Could thirty - six questions lead to love ? It was an experiment worth exploring . Delicate Love is an adult contemporary romance , with just a touch of anguish . It 's real life , mixed with angst and romance . The story revolves around 36 questions that were originally written as an experiment by Arthur Aron , 41 years ago . His aim at the time was to have a couple fall in love within his laboratory , to prove that intimacy could be encouraged . The laboratory part sounds romantic doesn 't it ? Chasing Butterflies was Jo 's debut novel , and is a story she decided she wanted to tell after her own experience with breast cancer . In July 2012 , Jo decided that a Bilateral Mastectomy was the best option for her after being diagnosed . Thankfully she was given the all clear after her surgery . It is a story based loosely on her own breast cancer journey , a story of a young woman who faces decisions that no one should have to and finds love along the way . 10 stories , 10 supernatural races who must join a pivotal hunt to save their kind . . . and their hearts . Readers say Supernatural Chronicles : The New Orleans Collection " has it all - love , intrigue , suspense , action and a whole host of supernatural beings ! " and " Get Ready for a Smart Sexy Thrill Ride ! " in the French Quarter . Download the entire set now at 90 % off the individual book prices . Beneath the brow of Bourbon and French architecture , the iris of New Orleans swirls with flecks of worlds and beings unknown to mankind . Come with us as we chronicle their journey - each supernatural race must hunt for an offering in hopes of saving their own . Skinwalkers , Wolves , Vampires , Dragons , Succubi , Witches , Necromancers , Cupids , and Asgardians are all in danger of losing control as an uprising darkness threatens to rip the veil that protects them all from the great beyond . Ten original novellas , following each supernatural race as they fight an elusive enemy , are written by New Adult authors Lila Felix , Kristie Cook , Brenda Pandos , Delphina Henley , Julia Crane , Jamie Magee , Morgan Wylie , Kallie Ross , S . T . Bende , and Rebecca Ethington During a routine assignment in Oklahoma , Seth carries out the hit of an arms smuggler , David Bloom . But after the job is done , Seth can 't shake the feeling something is very wrong . He 's left haunted by the memory , but what made Bloom so different than Seth 's other targets ? After a coveted promotion , Seth becomes an Expult agent - an assassin with the freedom and rights to eliminate specific targets . For his first official hit with the new job title , he 's ordered to kill animal activist Terra Bloom , daughter of David Boom . Regardless of Seth 's guilt over killing her father , she 's just another target . . . or is she ? Seth tore the hotel room apart looking for anything to numb the pain . The bottle of pills he found under the sink didn 't cut it ; neither did the bottle of vodka he boosted from the bodega down the road . Despite the promise of a bone crunching headache in the morning , he tilted his head and tipped the liquid into his empty gut . From his position on the bed , he sneered at the bible on the table , forcing a half - assed laugh . The book cruelly reminded him that he had no right to ask for retribution from anyone . He was the last man to redeem himself . Trix was dead because of him . Was this punishment for choosing Terra over her ? Spencer did the one thing he 'd vowed he would never do : kill an agent 's loved one . For his act of treason , Seth was expecting some sort of rebuttal , but not this . The hotel room door opened and Terra entered , cradling a paper bag of groceries against her chest . " Are you still nursing that bottle ? Why don 't you take a shower ? It will make you feel better . " " Come on , " she cajoled . " You 've always told me to move on . I 'm sorry about Trix but maybe it was for the - " " You can 't blame me for that , " Terra shot back , gathering the fallen items back into the bag . " I 'm sorry for her death , but you saved me for a reason . That little voice in your head decided to make a decision that ultimately changed your life . You 're a good man , Seth , and for what it 's worth , I trust you . Somewhere deep inside me , I know I 'm safe around you . " " When I lost my father , I didn 't understand the pain I was feeling . He and I never got along when I was growing up , we were polar opposites . As a teenager , I made his life hell and my mother was at her wit 's end . When I turned sixteen , I moved out and never looked back . I did love him , of course , and it hurts that we never got to resolve our issues . I moved on . " Her lips formed a thin line and she turned her back on him . " You 're hurting so I 'm going to let that one slide . I knew my dad . He was a good man , despite our history . " " The best revenge is to live , Seth . Spencer hasn 't tracked us down yet . We left the park before his men could find us . Would Trix want you to cower in fear all your life ? " She drew lazy circles in his shirt , her eyes burrowing into his . " You need to relax and let loose . You 're too uptight . We sat in that stinky state train for two days to Richmond and you of all people need to unwind . I know a place . " I sip my decaf coffee - which totally defeats the purpose of coffee , I understand that , but regular coffee gives me worse migraines than I already get - and stare a hole into my monitor . Yeah , I 'm still one of those people who have a monitor . I have a desktop , a keyboard , a computer chair , and the whole mid - 2000s thing going on in my bedroom / office . It 's the one room in the apartment where I can get away from everything . My place to shut the door , turn up the music , and dance if I want to dance . And I do want to dance . Nineties ' music is my specialty , and I use that word very loosely . Every morning for the past week , it 's the same routine . I get up and rub my throat , because it hurts like a mother from all the screaming I apparently do in my sleep . As a side note , this is why I try not to sleep now when Sam 's here . Which means I don 't get a whole lot of sleep , but what 's sleep when you are eighteen ? Eighteen year olds don 't need sleep . We need parties and friends and boyfriends to not think we are crazy . Kellie wrote her first fiction fantasy novel called Giblin the Conquer , an X Files fan fiction and a military fiction while in high school . After finishing school , Kellie moved to the sunny Northern Beaches and carved a successful career in the media / advertising industry writing for numerous Sydney based publications . But that didn 't stop Kellie 's love to write . An aspiring novelist , she fulfilled a dream in 2008 having her first book All She Ever Wanted published at the age of 22 years old Suspicions arise when the red - haired beauty - who calls herself Sparrow - withholds the story of how she came to be in the woods . All Bill knows is she 's headed for Cricket Bend , where his brother was murdered a year earlier . Though he vowed to steer clear of that dusty town , he can 't let her run straight into bandit country with no protection . First , they have to make it through the cattle drive - and the mysterious woman is going with them . " This life - the drives - it ain 't the future . Folks are buying land . Soon there won 't be open land , maybe there won 't even be cattlemen . If I 'm being honest , this is likely the last drive we 'll ever do . " " Is it ? " " Cattle travels by trains now , mostly . And folks are switching over to stockier breeds of cows that are easier to raise than longhorns . Things are changing . My mama says it 's progress . There 'll always be ranches , and folks 'll always eat beef , but life sure won 't be like this much longer . " A hawk swooped overhead , and Bill pointed at it . Sparrow watched the bird fly off into the open sky that stretched on for miles and miles , a blanket of blue as far as the eye could see . He watched her as she took in everything around her , even the stomping cows trailing behind them . Finally , she spoke . " That 'll be a sad day , I suppose . The end of something simple and beautiful . " " A man 's gotta keep moving . " " Amen . " " Speaking of moving , " he began . " Where will you go once you 've caught up to the man you 're seeking ? I 'm guessing it 's a man . Correct me if I 'm wrong . " " He is . " " He hurt you ? " " No , " she said . " He stole from from me . " " What are you going to do ? " " I 'm going to get it back . " " How ? " " I haven 't quite figured that out yet . " " What will you do after you get it back ? " " After ? I … don 't know , honestly . " " Between not knowing how you 're going to get back your money , and what you 're going to do after , I have to say your plan might not be too well laid - out . " " My plan also didn 't involve cattlemen . " Watching Andrew 's cocky smirk as he dealt a hand , she knew he wasn 't expecting much of her abilities . But she could also tell the moment he cheated . With what he thought was skill , he slipped a card up into the sleeve of his shirt . It was a basic cheat . Emma had pulled it herself and seen it done a hundred times . Over her shoulder , she knew Appie watched as he cooked . Maybe Andrew needed to be brought down a notch , faced head - on and left in the dust . She intended to do just that , and was happy when Pete arrived to witness the action . She would take Andrew down , and it would be a show . The cards she held weren 't bad , though Andrew had obviously cheated with the intention of giving himself better cards . Had she been a less skilled player , he 'd have been able to win instantly . It was a good trick . Whoever had taught him how to cheat had been pretty good . Emma , however , had been taught to cheat by the very best . Poker face , Emma . That voice came to her mind once again , spurring her to sit up tall . It was time to be The Sparrow . She adjusted the cards in her hand as she spoke . " You ever planning to play that queen ? " " Pardon me ? " " The queen . " " Which queen ? " " The one in your sleeve . " She lay down a pair of jacks and waved a finger absent - mindedly toward his arm . " Saw you tuck it . The left sleeve . Queen of diamonds , I 'd wager . " " What would you wager ? " Emma looked across the table with a flat expression . " More than you 've got , cowboy . " Pete whistled , and Andrew glared at him . Emma kept her face unreadable , though she felt like giggling and clapping . Nothing was as much fun as busting a bad cheater . " The card . " " You 're crazy . " Emma set down her cards . " Am I ? Show me what 's in your left sleeve . " " Show her , " Pete said . " You wouldn 't cheat a lady , would you ? " Andrew reached into his sleeve and pulled out a card . It was , indeed , a queen of diamonds . " Woo ! " Pete exclaimed in triumph . " She schooled you . " " Shut up , " Andrew grumbled , grabbing his car " Will you dance with me ? " Hope shone in her lovely eyes . " Here ? " " Right here . " Accompanied by the soft music , Bill reached out a hand and set it on Emma 's waist . Gently , half afraid she 'd startle and run off , he stepped closer . She lay one hand in his waiting palm , the other on his shoulder . They began to move . They danced simply but well , two people who fit together . For a large cowboy , Bill knew how to lead , and she allowed him to do just that . Thinking of her foot , he lifted her a little , which allowed her to lean her weight on him so as to keep it off her injury . The dance turned into two bodies swaying together . He became vividly aware of how she pressed her whole body to his . " You dance quite well , " she whispered . " I 'll admit I 'm surprised . " " My mama insisted we boys all learn , " he replied . " Said it was a good way to woo the ladies . " " And was she right ? " " Why don 't you tell me ? " " Consider me thoroughly wooed . " Bill took his hand from her waist and let it slide lower to rest on the curve of her hip . Once it was there , he dragged his fingers over the bare skin just below the hem of the shirt . Emma pressed herself tighter against him . Knowing that only a little fabric separated them charged Bill with desire he could barely restrain . He wanted to know her in whatever way he could . Emma brought her arms up and draped them around his neck , urging him closer to her . Bill moved his hands to her waist and took a hard grip of the fabric of the shirt . " Your lips are a little blue , " he said . " I 'm soaked through , " she replied . " I am a bit cold . " " Someone should warm you up . " " Someone should . If only there were someone near who was up for the chore . " " It 'd hardly be a chore . " Even if kissing her was a stupid thing to do , it was the only thing in the world that seemed right at that moment , and he was going to do it , and he wasn 't going to stop there unless she told him to . He knew she wouldn 't . Wanting each other wasn 't a crime . The lean mTwitter : @ mariepiperbooks Victoria rode her horse Gregory toward the village at a steady pace . She was looking forward to seeing Ethan , and Gregory was glad to be out of the barn . As she got close to the village , she could sense something was wrong . She could hear the faint sound of a woman crying . Sorrow seemed to hang on the air . As she got closer , she could see a few people moving about quickly and quietly . Some were boarding up their windows ; others were reinforcing their animal enclosures . Riding through the town , the usually cold people looked at her with disgust . In one house , she saw a little child pointing at her until the mother came up to close the drapes . A group of older women gathering firewood stopped and mumbled as she got closer . She dismounted at the blacksmith 's and greeted the man with a smile , but he did not repay her in kind . " I have just as much right to be here as any of you , " she thought to herself as she held her head up high . She felt herself getting mad , but she wasn 't sure why . Why were the people staring and pointing at her ? Why would the blacksmith say she didn 't belong there ? What had she done to any of them ? She decided to go to her future home and see if Ethan was there . She tied her horse to the hitching post at the end of the walk . She approached the house and ran her fingers through what looked like claw marks on the oak front door . She did not remember seeing them there before . " Hello ? " she called inside as she opened the door . A small fire was going in the fireplace , telling her Ethan had been there and most likely would return . She felt herself calm down and her anger at the people melt away . The room was warm and safe . She closed the door and looked around the cottage . It already looked so homey , fully furnished with curtains on the windows and rugs on the floors . She ascended the wooden steps to the second floor and opened the first door to a room on the left . It was small with equally small furniture - most likely a child 's room . She imagined that one day , her and Ethan 's children would be playing on that floor looking up at her with wide - eyed wonderment . Then their eyes reflected fear , and she thought of how the townspeople reacted to her today and how , even now , she was an outcast . She sighed , frowned , and shut the door on the frightened children she imagined were there . She opened a door on her right and found the master bedroom . She entered the room , took off her cape , and hung it on a hook by the door . She walked over and placed her small hand on the large pine spindles of the bed . She walked to the far side of the bed , running her fingers over the covers . A multi - colored crotched blanket overlaid a beautiful pink and ecru quilt . She folded the blanket back so it only covered the foot of the bed and the quilt could be more fully seen . The quilt was so soft to the touch . She bent down and put her cheek to the fabric . She sighed in delight . She looked at the door and listened to see if anyone was there . When she only heard silence , she took off her shoes , climbed up onto the bed and laid long ways across it . It was a large bed . She stretched her hands way above her head and still could barely touch the other end . She laughed at herself and how she found such delight in such a simple thing . Ethan began to laugh as he put the wooden club he was carrying by the door . " You should see yourself , " he said . " Why were you so afraid ? I did not mean to scare you . " " Oh , I do not know , " she replied , settling herself down . " Everyone was just acting so strange when I got here . I guess I am just on edge . . . " she trailed off , noticing the club . " What is that for ? " " Oh , well , do not worry about that , " he said , taking off his coat and sitting on the other side of the bed . " Everyone is a little nervous . Some wolves came into town on Sunday night and killed a man . " " Wait ! " she said , sitting straight up again . " You said ' wolves ' as in many of them ? Is that what clawed the front door ? " she asked . " I know , " Ethan said . " The whole town is worried about the next full moon . Everyone is boarding up their windows and reinforcing their doors . I 'm sure they are overreacting , though . Werewolves . How silly . They were just normal wolves . This cold weather probably has them desperate for food . " " You actually saw them ? " she asked . " My God , are you all right ? You were not injured , were you ? " She crawled over to him and put her hand on his face . " No , no , I 'm fine , " he said , chuckling over the fuss she was making . He liked how much she cared for him . " I 'm fine , " he whispered , looking at her beautiful face . His face turned stone serious and he exhaled slowly . She could tell by the way he was looking at her he wanted something . He turned his body to face her , reached up and pulled her toward him . She closed her eyes and let him kiss her . He stood up to kick off his shoes . She lay on the bed with her head on a pillow . He crawled up next to her and just looked at her for a moment . She pulled her feet up under her gown in a fetal position and put her hands under her cheek on the pillow . Ethan reached over and took the pins out of her hair , letting it frame her face . She looked so innocent , so pure . Her white skin was flawless and her dark eyes were glossy . She was not evil . If anything she was godly , angelic . He leaned over to kiss her , but she pulled back . " Ethan , " she said . " Do you … would you mind if … maybe we … " She didn 't want to hurt his feelings , but she needed to ask him something . " It 's … maybe we could not do that today . I still have not confessed from last time , and it has been a bad couple of days . Things have not gone well at home . I don 't need any more sin on my conscience right now . " " Oh , sweetie . That 's all right , " he said . " Don 't worry about it . I don 't want to do anything you 're not comfortable with . " " Oh , yes . I did speak to him … " He didn 't want to tell her what Father James had said , but he did not want to lie to her , either . " He was not happy , as expected , " he said . " He still wants me to go to Rome , of course . " " He is still upset ; I doubt he would absolve you of anything right now . Or me for that matter . I actually never confessed after last time either . Don 't worry , though , I am sure that in a few days , he will calm down and see that we are doing the right thing . " " No , I have not been feeling well ; I have not even seen him since Sunday . I think my nerves are making me tense . It has only been a couple of days ; there is still plenty of time . " " We have all the time in the world , " he said and smiled . His tone and happy demeanor calmed her so much she almost forgot about the wolves , and the priest , and the way the people in town were acting , and the women back home . All she wanted was to be with him forever . She leaned over and gave him an enticing kiss . " No , I suppose it doesn 't ! " he said , climbing onto her , wrapping his arms all the way around her , holding her just as close and tight as he could . He rolled over and let her lay on his chest as they kissed . She straddled him to keep from falling over . She ran her tongue down his neck and kissed his chest . He reached down , pulled up her dress and caressed both of her legs . He ran his hands up to the top of her thigh - high stockings and touched her soft skin . She put the full weight of her body on top of him and he kissed her forehead . He slowly removed one of her stockings , feeling her bare , exposed skin from her thigh to her toes . He then removed the other stocking , a little more quickly this time . Victoria breathed heavily ; the room was hot . Ethan was burning for her . Ethan 's hot breath on her skin was almost more than she could handle . She reached a hand under his shirt and touched the skin of his rigid stomach . The sensation of her cold touch on his skin made Ethan gasp , but he took it as a sign that the shirt needed to be removed . He sat up and removed it while she still straddled his lap . He suckled and bit her neck and chest and caressed her thighs while she ran her fingers through his hair . The way his muscles had a slightly moist sheen in the subdued light filtering in from the window dressings excited her . She reached around her back to try to find the many buttons that ran from her neckline to her waist . Ethan 's hands followed hers and realized what she was trying to do . He laughed a little , out of surprise and joy . He had an easier time removing the buttons from their loops than she did . He only got about halfway down when he thought the dress would be loose enough to take off . They both got up on their knees and he helped pull the heavy gown over her head . His face sank for a moment when he saw the full - length shift she was wearing underneath a fully laced corset . She laughed when she saw his expression . She felt relieved ; she could breathe better and she felt lighter with the gown off . Ethan kissed her while she ran her fingers down his naked back . He reached around her and began pulling at the laces on her corset . She did not protest . She did not care if Helena noticed the lacings or not . She did not care if her father found out . What could he do about it after it was already done ? If she gave herself to Ethan , let him have her most prized possession , it was hers to give . Ethan removed the corset and laid himself fully on top of her . She undid the top button on his pants . She moved her fingers deeper inside his pants to undo the next one and he groaned in anticipation . " Victoria , " he said , propping himself up and looking at her . " Victoria . I love you so much . " He reached up and brushed some stray hairs away from her face . " Are you sure this is what you want ? " He leaned back down and sucked on her neck . She held him tightly to her . He moved both of his hands to her legs and pulled her chemise up almost to her waist . He kissed her so strongly and his tongue prodded her mouth so deeply he almost gagged her , but she did not dare protest for fear he would stop . Her breath quickened . He did not want to go too quickly . This was the first time for both of them . He wanted to make sure it was perfect . She was about to tell him to take her when a terrible feeling flooded over her . It was as if someone inside her head told her to run . She froze , trying to listen to the voice . " Shhhhh ! " she said , holding up a hand to silence him . Her harsh tone shocked him . She did not mean to sound cruel , but something was certainly wrong . He saw a disturbed look on her face . All of her senses seemed to come alive - she could see and hear everything around her . Hushed tones , the light clang of weapons , the smell of the cold air wafting in through an open door . " Ethan ! " she said , letting go of him and sitting straight up . " Someone is in the house ! " She had a feeling it was more than someone simply looking for them - they were in danger . " What ? " he asked as he got up , closed his pants , and moved toward the door . She stood on the far side of the bed , pulled down her undergarment , and looked around for something she might be able to use to defend herself , but there was no time . As Ethan reached for the door , an unimaginable sense of danger overwhelmed her . Leigh Anderson is an American author and editor living and traveling in Asia . She has a master 's degree in English and her thesis was on Gothic imagery in vampire literature . You can learn more about her at her website LeighAndersonRomance . com . Gabriella Crawford has been best friends with Logan since the 2nd grade , but that 's all they 'd ever been … friends . Suddenly after 20 years , Gabbie starts to notice Logan in a different light . But sex has never been something Gabbie thought was great and it 's certainly not something worth risking a friendship over . Or is it ? Logan Reeves should not be looking at his best friend 's breasts . Not even when he sees her modeling lingerie . But try as he might to stay in the ' friend zone ' Logan can 't stop fantasizing about Gabbie . And when a business trip forces them to sleep in the same bed , all bets are off . Especially once Logan finds out Gabbie needs to be shown how good sex can be … I really enjoyed this one , all the peeks into each story ! ! ! All fine on there own and all work in the collection . Each are on their own level of hotness . Some I felt more connected to and shared with my hubby : ) I would suggest a read th . . . |
I gazed out the window as the city slowly merged into something more suburban , finally giving way into rural and forested . The rain had stopped , leaving the morning looking clean , fresh , but still cloudy . It would be good hunting weather - a thought that caused me to grimace . I hadn 't hunted animals in over sixty years . I hoped I could do it again . I had to - for her . I looked over at Bella as she shifted gears and changed lanes . My mate . It was something I could barely grasp , considering all that had happened in the last twenty - four hours . I 'd found my reason for existence , my freedom from Italy , and had been welcomed back into my sire 's - my father 's - arms . Not one of those things had seemed remotely possible before I 'd left Volterra . We 'd been quiet since Carlisle left her apartment , even more so since she 'd suggested that we drive out of the city . Bella 's thoughts were shielded , and despite the fact that I wanted to hear what she was thinking , it didn 't really bother me all that much . The mental silence was a relief after almost a hundred years of white noise chaos in my head , but the pull to her , the electricity that generated between us had not abated . In fact , it had only increased , tripling into something I wasn 't sure I truly understood , which only reminded me of the first thoughts Carlisle had given me as a warning . As I 'd dressed in her room , I 'd listened to him greet Bella with so much love and compassion . . . and quiet hope - the hope that centered around seeing me , completing his family , and at his youngest " child " for finally finding her happiness . When I 'd emerged from Bella 's room , my worries , my fears of seeing nothing but disappointment on his features were immediately assuaged . He 'd only shown what he 'd always shown - the pure , unadulterated , unconditional love . Edward , it 's good to see you , and there is nothing that you have done or will do in the future that I can 't accept or forgive . However , if you hurt Isabella . . . He shook his head minutely , but his eyes were hard , his mind showing me that to hurt Bella would be unforgivable in his eyes . He loved her like his own daughter . . . like he still loved me . She 's your mate , son . I can see how you love her already . You can 't leave her ; I won 't allow it . It would kill you both . You 've already bonded with her . . . His eyes fell briefly to the mark on my bare shoulder - Bella 's mark . " I know . " I stated firmly , giving Bella a glance . She was so fucking beautiful , she was mine , and the pull to go to her again was strong , almost overwhelming . " I won 't . I can 't , Carlisle . I just don 't know how to fix it . " Being in his presence again was so fucking comforting , so damned easy , because he 'd never judged me on anything , but I silently begged him to help me . I felt like the seventeen - year - old boy I once was , the one that had leaned on the man in front of me for everything from learning to hunt , to acclimating myself to being around humans , to focusing on how to touch a piano again without destroying it . My eighty years were stripped from me , my immortality was insignificant , because I was simply a young man in love with his girl , and he just wanted to know how he could keep her , looking to the only person that could help . I snapped back to the present when the car slowed down , Bella pulling it over to the side of the road . She had amazing taste in cars , I mentally noted as the Audi came to a complete stop . Her shield was lifted and her mind wide open . She was worried for me , concerned about whether or not I was truly ready to change my diet . " I have to , " I murmured , gazing around at the trees surrounding us , finally meeting her amber gaze . " It 's the right thing . It 's what I should 've been doing all along , despite who I was . . . working for . Carlisle did it when he was with the Volturi . I should have done the same thing . " My list of regrets was endless , detailed , and disturbing . Carlisle had never once asked for an apology , and somehow , I knew he 'd never bring it up again . Bella , however , was a completely different road I 'd have to travel . Her mind was calm and easy , asking me for nothing other than my presence , but I wanted - no , I needed - to prove myself worthy of her . She loved being a Cullen , loved living amongst humans , and she wanted me to share in that . I had no choice . If I loved her , if we were bound to one another , then I had to face the tough parts - learning to hunt animals again , meeting a now much larger family , and facing the one person that I 'd probably hurt the most by my leaving . Esme . " It 's not easy , " Bella sighed , her finger tracing the edge of the car 's center console . " Going back , I mean . " Her nose wrinkling adorably , and I could fight the pull to touch her no longer , so I picked up her hand , linking our fingers together . " I hated that I slipped , but I hated even more just how much I 'd liked it . " She smiled , nodded , and slipped her hand from mine in order to exit the car . I joined her , taking a deep breath . Closing my eyes , I let my instincts take over , my senses sharpening to everything that was around me . There wasn 't a human around for many miles , but I could hear heartbeats close by - the rapid flutter of a fox off to the left just under a fir , the heavy thumps of a few deer about five miles straight ahead , and the rustle of feathers as an owl settled on a branch after his long night . Underneath all of that was the sound of beetles rumbling through the grasses , the hum of the electric lines above our heads , and Bella 's slow , calm breathing . She giggled . " Carlisle says you 're fast . Very fast . I can 't chase you down if you catch a human scent , Edward , but I can shield a large area , okay ? " " No . . . Well , this is the Appalachian Mountains . There are people scattered out here . I tried to bring you to the remotest area , " she explained , tugging me toward the edge of the woods , " but just in case , I 'll stop you if I have to . " " Hey , I know hikers taste better than deer , so . . . " She giggled , biting her bottom lip . " Unfortunately , there aren 't any mountain lions out here . . . " " I know , Esme told me , " she chuckled . " They 're my favorite , too , but I haven 't had any since we left the Pacific Northwest . Out here , though , there are bears . We can totally rub it in Emmett 's face , so let 's go . " Like a shot , she was off , but I could also sense when her shield settled over the forest . It wasn 't a small area , either . It seemed to move with her in a large circumference like a dome , cutting off half the sounds and smells . But somehow , that relaxed me , because I could trust that she was here to help . She wouldn 't let me fail . I 'd been alone for so long that it took a second for that to sink in . Instead of the expected feelings of annoyance or frustration , all I found was comfort . Maybe it was my new freedom , maybe it was the major changes I 'd just gone through , or maybe it was simply because I wanted it , but the three deer and one bear that I took down didn 't taste as disgusting as I 'd remembered . They were nowhere as sweet as a human 's blood , the deer much more bland and muddy , but the bear was damned close . And if the bear was close , then I knew my old favorite of lions would still satisfy me like they once had . As I dropped the bear 's body to the forest floor , I stood up straight with a smile on my face . I could do this again . I found Bella in a clearing , perched on a large rock , her knees drawn up to her chin with her arms wrapped around them . Her mind flickered flashes of several memories - past , present , human . It was like she was searching for a specific one or coming to some sort of conclusion , because it was like rifling through a filing cabinet . The faces of the immortals from the club took precedence at the forefront of her mind , as well as Carlisle and Esme . " Yeah , you smell like me , too , " she chuckled , gazing down at me warmly with now lighter , honey - colored eyes when I knelt in front of her . " And bear . . . and deer . . . How 'd it go ? " I shrugged a shoulder , gathering her in my arms so that I could lean back against the rock with her on my lap . " It was a means to an end , Bella . Turning a page , if you will . " Cupping her face and caressing her cheeks with my thumbs , I asked , " You hunted ? " " Yeah , two deer , " she answered softly . " I left the other bear . When I got to her , I realized she was off limits . Carlisle 's rules haven 't changed . " " Twins . " I nodded and chuckled , but it trailed off , because I felt the need to clarify things with her . " I had my own rules for hunting , " I told her , tapping my temple . " Never innocents . Only criminals . I kept the list of sexual predators on me . I 'd hunt them , watch them , take them . Aro hated it , but I refused to hunt any other way . Human monsters only . I never joined them at the castle . They 're more the monsters than they 're willing to admit , nor are they as civilized as they like to portray themselves . Tourists , families , people drawn in by our beauty . I 'd leave the castle at feeding time , though I didn 't stay there very often anyway . I was . . . " " A nomad , " she whispered , tracing my face with her fingers as I nodded slowly . " Yes , we 've run into a few since I 've been with the family . Three in particular gave us trouble . One tried to . . . Well , he wanted me . His mate . . . or at least that 's what she called herself . . . wasn 't happy that she was cast aside for someone new . " " They are . . . no more , " Bella stated with finality , her eyes dark . " Alice saw what he planned , Jasper used their emotions against them , I trapped them , and Emmett , Carlisle , and Rose destroyed them . It was over within a day . " Bella snorted , shaking her head . " No , Edward . We are what we are . It 's hard to fight that sometimes . Hell , you probably saved more lives than you took , " she stated firmly , her voice almost nonchalant . The urge to touch her , pull her closer , claim her again was roaring through me like a tidal wave at her simple acceptance of me . " Is it supposed to feel this way ? " I asked her almost in a whisper , because I didn 't know . She nodded . " Yes , the first several years , especially . And if you 're Rose and Emmett , then always , " she laughed . " I 'm probably an expert on an outsider 's view of mated vampire couples . " Bella cast a glance at the rock behind me , letting out a long , deep breath . " I was . . . It was . . . Yes and no , " she finally settled on as her answer with a shrug of one shoulder . " My first years as a newborn were rough , because I found out why I was changed . Not only to save me , but for you - which I was okay with , but then when you didn 't show and didn 't show , I was angry . I felt like this extra person in the family . A fifth wheel . I 'd lost my human family , because we 'd had to fake my death after the van collided into me . To my parents , I 'd died during my transport to the hospital ; my femoral artery had been severed . My mother is still around , living with my stepfather , Phil , in St . Louis . My dad . . . " I pulled Bella closer to me , hugging her tightly , because a tremor wracked her frame . She didn 't need to tell me about her father . I could see it all in her mind . Her father had blamed himself for her death because he was in charge of her well being at the time , and apparently his guilt coupled with his poor health had caused too much stress on his heart . " Carlisle tried his best , but there was no bringing him back . I was a newborn at the time , hiding out at the family home , so I didn 't know until it was all over . After that , we left Forks , " she sighed , tilting her beautiful head at me . " For a few years , my anger was . . . a hair trigger away . Jasper told me that it was all a part of being a newborn , but I think he was just trying to make me feel better , especially after the hiker incident . " Don 't get me wrong , Edward , " she gushed , cupping my face . " I love them all . Immensely . I have brothers and sisters that I never thought I 'd have , and Esme is the mother that my own never was . I don 't know what I 'd have done without her . And her love for you . . . " Bella shook her head slowly but never finished that sentence . " He wouldn 't give in , " she finished with a laugh . " Drove me crazy . If I wanted a fight , I had to pick it with Emmett . He never lost his newborn strength , you see , so he was perfect . " Chuckling , I shook my head at the memory in her mind . This Emmett was a big bastard , but she 'd apparently held her own . . . or he loved her enough not to break her . After just observing her for the past week , never mind my last twenty - four hours with her , I 'd be willing to bet it was the latter . Bella was damned easy to love . " Me , too , " she replied softly , smiling sweetly . " We 've got this whole . . . never gonna die thing in our favor , Edward . I think we 've got time , " she teased , biting her bottom lip . " Somehow , I 'm okay with that , " I chuckled , but my laughter trailed off . " This feels so . . . backwards . In my time , we wouldn 't have jumped into things , but . . . " " In my time , it 's a normal occurrence , " she countered , wearing a silly grin . " We aren 't human anymore . We are essentially selfish creatures , so acting on impulse - or in this case , instinct - isn 't wrong . I can 't feel badly about wanting to keep you . Not when I finally got you . " Slipping my hands into her hair , I pulled her face to mine . I wanted to consume her , lose myself in her , but she was right . We 'd promised Carlisle we 'd come to his home after our hunt , but that didn 't mean I couldn 't satisfy my craving for a small taste of her . I knew it was playing with fire , because we didn 't have time . We couldn 't give in to any of it , but the need to kiss her was killing me . Grabbing a fistful of her hair , I pulled her mouth to mine . The need to continuously claim her worried me , but it didn 't seem to bother Bella . She leaned into me , turning her head to deepen the kiss as her fingers threaded into my hair . Tongues danced , hands gripped , and hips rolled heavily and lazily against each other . Giving her hair a sharp tug , I pulled her head to the side , leaving long , slow , open mouth kisses down her neck . I smiled when she released a low , feline sounding purr , only to change to a growl when I nipped at her skin . I couldn 't wait to find all the places that caused her make those sounds , because I was quite sure I hadn 't found them all yet . Though , I 'd tried my damnedest at her apartment . " I 've met Alice , " I whispered just before suckling her earlobe . I cupped her ass , grinding her slowly over my erection . " I was there when Rosalie was changed , " I told her softly , dragging my lips across her throat , only to start all over on the other side of her neck . " Fuck . . . You taste so good . . . right here , " I mused aloud , swirling my tongue along the soft spot right behind her ear . " Not with you , " I countered honestly . " It must be your shield . You soften the level of it . I feel almost normal . I think that 's how you caught me on the rooftop . " " No problem , " she chirped , grinning as she stood up from my lap . " Come on . I promise . . . No barbecue pits , and no one hates you . . . not even Rose . They 've kinda been looking forward to this . " Shoving my hands into my front pockets to keep from grabbing her again , I shook my head . " That doesn 't make me any less nervous . Esme was really hurt when I left . " Carlisle had explained to me once how the Volturi operated , the things they governed , the role they played in the immortal world . He 'd told me they made sure that the one fast rule was never broken - that we stay a secret from the humans . He 'd spent many years with them , so he knew more than just their laws ; he knew the three brothers . Caius , cold and calculating . Marcus , seemingly emotionless , with the ability to see the bonds between relationships . And Aro , probably the most frightening of all , because despite his outer demeanor of civility and good manners , he was ruthless , listening to every thought in your mind if he got the chance to touch you . If he wanted something , he had no shame in taking it . And Aro always wanted talents . Carlisle protected me , Alice , and Jasper for that very reason , especially when Alice saw a pending war on the family . I shook my head . " You 'll have to ask her . I told you she saw you whenever your name was mentioned , but I stopped asking after a few years . I made her promise that she would let me know when you decided to come home , but anything other than that , I didn 't want to know . " " I think Carlisle knew , " he stated softly , his eyes and fingers focused on a nonexistent piece of lint on his jeans . " When I was telling him what happened , he didn 't seem all that surprised . " He sighed , shaking his head . " My talent saved my life , but it also kept me prisoner . " " Scouts , " he replied , looking over at me . " He reads every mind that comes through his chamber . If someone you knew visited Italy , it 's quite possible that he saw you . My place was not to ask the how . . . I merely was told where and to bring them back . " Edward huffed a humorless laugh . " No . I couldn 't run . The first decade , I was watched like a hawk . Aro told me that if I ran , he 'd track me , and he could . He 's got trackers that can hunt anyone down . I should know . . . I gave him one of them . So even if I had gotten free , I couldn 't have just come home . I would have led them straight to Carlisle . " Edward 's deep red eyes softened at my line of thinking , and he picked up my hand and kissed my palm , sending sparks of electricity throughout my entire being . " I didn 't know you , Bella . But I saw it as an opportunity to cut a deal with him , to end my time with them . He wanted you above all others , so I used that against him to come here . It all changed when I saw you . I 'd never been so conflicted . " I don 't have to read minds to know what they 're all thinking , I thought to him , grinning when he spun his gaze my way . Alice is just happy to have another " mind freak " in the family . Her words , not mine . Rose is Rose . Nothing has changed when it comes to her , so her thoughts will be centered on how this affects her . Jasper will be curious , but protective . He 's an empath , so he 'll read everything you 're giving off , but he 's sweet and kind , too - which means that he 'll calm you if he thinks you need it . Emmett will be guarded . . . for about five seconds . Believe me , he 's happy another man is joining the family . He 's tired of being outnumbered . It really was that simple , though I knew he was still nervous . Hell , if the roles had been reversed , I 'd have been terrified . I also knew he had to resolve his leaving with Esme . He nodded , his brow furrowing just a bit before I opened the door . I wanted to roll my eyes at the welcoming committee that was in front of me . The entire family was in the living room . Thank God , though , Carlisle stepped forward . " Excellent ! " Carlisle praised , turning to face the room . " Edward , our family has grown a bit . Let me introduce you to those that you don 't know . " He gestured to Emmett . " This is Emmett . He joined us not long after you left . He 's Rosalie 's mate . " The two boys nodded once at each other , and Emmett was trying to keep a fierce gaze on his face with his huge arms crossed over his chest , but he failed miserably , breaking out into his usual carefree , dimply grin . " ' Sup ? " he asked with a wave . " Maybe now Bells won 't be so cranky . . . " " Emmett , shut it ! " Alice warned , rolling her eyes as she stepped forward . She didn 't bother with a handshake , but hugged Edward , who was a little taken aback . " Finally , a civilized brother , " she giggled , sticking her tongue out to a scoffing Emmett . " Nice to see you again , Edward . Glad you made the right decisions . " " This is Jasper , her mate , " Carlisle continued with an amused smile on his face . " You two have a lot in common . He and Alice joined us in the fifties . " " You , too . " Edward visibly relaxed when he took Jasper 's hand , until his head spun toward Rosalie , who was sitting next to Emmett on the loveseat . " Yes , I can , Rose , " he said with almost a growl . " I see you haven 't changed one bit . And no , I hadn 't thought that far ahead . " He huffed a noise , but his eyes landed on the far side of the room where Esme was standing . His fists clenched and unclenched over and over . We all shut up , because we knew just how much our mother had missed her " firstborn " son . She carried no anger at his leaving , just simply a mother 's worry . She was the sole reason I 'd kept my sanity all these years , because she had faith that Edward would come home . " My sweet boy , " she whispered , cupping his face and standing up on her toes in order to kiss his cheek . " I 'm so glad you 're home . I 've missed you . My family is whole again . " She had to have said something to him silently , because he suddenly chuckled . " Yes , ma ' am . Absolutely . And no , I promise . " Once again , he looked like a sweet teen boy . " Yes . It 'll take getting used to again , but . . . " His voice trailed off , because there wasn 't a person in the room that didn 't understand , except maybe Rose . She 'd never fallen off of our diet . Ever . " I have faith in you , son , " Carlisle stated firmly . " I 'm sure it 's not easy , and we 're all here for you . But your mother and I would like to talk to you alone , if you don 't mind . " " And boy , oh boy . . . " He huffed a laugh , draping an arm around my shoulders . " Does he have it bad for you , darlin ' . That 's a lot of lust he 's pushing . However , he 's not the only one , " he chuckled , raising an eyebrow at me . I tried to give Jasper a stern look , but the laughter in the room was contagious . And I couldn 't deny it , either , because after hunting with Edward , after he kissed me stupid as we sat against that rock , I still wanted him . Badly . He was so beautiful - more beautiful than any picture Carlisle had ever shown me - but it was more than that . It was his sweet acceptance of everything , the fact that he needed me , and just how comforted and loved I felt in his presence . And it had all happened the second we 'd spoken to each other , the moment we 'd touched . I 'd never been so grateful for Alice 's visions as I was in that moment . " You , on the other hand . . . There 's a calmness to you now that wasn 't there before , " Jasper whispered , his brow furrowing . " No more anger just under the surface . " Laugh it up , Edward , I thought to him , grinning when he snorted again , trying his best to shut up . Just wait . You 'll get cornered , too . Welcome to the world of siblings . With that last thought , I dropped my shield down over the room . No need to embarrass him with mine or the girls ' thoughts , because I was pretty sure I was about to take the brunt of it for both of us . Alice and Rose were ruthless when it came to girl talk , something that I was never comfortable with as a human and even less so as a vampire . My personal life was practically nil as a human , which only made my sisters that much more meddlesome , especially after I 'd discovered Edward 's picture and what the Cullen family truly was . They 'd wanted me to find a human boy , someone I could date , but it had been impossible . I 'd tried , but failed miserably - it was fumbling , awkward , and unappealing . Once I was changed , my personal life bottomed out to zero , nothing , nada . I was an angry newborn , waiting for the mate that I wasn 't sure would ever show . I gazed around the bedroom I rarely used . It was classic , yet with a touch of modern here and there . I wasn 't her frilly girl , so Esme kept the feminine things to a minimum . She always set it up exactly the same , using the things from my human room at my dad 's , my things in perfect order , but after we 'd " graduated " from the last school , I 'd begged for a break . I 'd wanted my own place , separate from the family , away from perfect couples . I didn 't want school again - at least , not quite yet . So when we 'd moved to New York , I 'd found an apartment of my own . " You 'll have to stay here again , " Alice said knowingly as she sat on my bed . " Edward will need to feed more and more as his cravings change . That 's what Carlisle is discussing with him now . " Rose snickered as she slowly walked around my room , her eyes on my endless collection of books . She reached up and tugged one down . " May I ? " " Edward is pretty tenacious and a perfectionist . . . a deadly combination , " she said , sitting next to Alice on the bed , my copy of the latest Anne Rice in her lap . " It 's how he left in the first place . He was determined to prove his point to Carlisle . If he 's set his mind , then he 'll bust his ass to get it right , to control his thirst for human blood . He was damned good at it before he left . " I adored my sister , but Rose wasn 't exactly a member of the Edward fan club , simply because he 'd never really understood why Carlisle changed her . They 'd told me he was vocal about it . Carlisle had merely been trying to give Edward company , hopefully a mate , and to save Rosalie , but it had backfired . They were just simply two very different personalities . " I never said I didn 't like him . I just always assumed he 'd left because of me . I 'd only been changed a year . . . " Her voice trailed off . " We argued constantly . " Rose 's eyes narrowed on me , and she stood up to join me on the window seat . She reached up to the collar of my shirt , jerking it gently to the side to reveal Edward 's mark where my neck met my shoulder . She grinned , shaking her head . " Nothing I say at this point will matter , will it ? " she asked with a laugh . " You 'd kick my ass for any wrong word against him . You mated . " I laughed , waving them off , but it was useless ; they 'd never leave me be unless I gave them something . I looked to Rose . " It was like you said it was with Em . . . instant , electrical shock the first time we touched . We couldn 't stop it if we tried . " " You can 't stop it . It was meant to be . Just like I told you ages ago , " Alice stated , wearing a silly as hell grin . " Now , aren 't you glad I made you come to the club ? " " He changed his mind there , didn 't he ? At least , that 's what he told me . " I looked to her , but she was already nodding . " Thank you , " I mouthed to her , because I had absolutely no doubt that her approaching him that night had changed everything . " Come on , Bells . Tell us . . . Has he got a big - " Rose started with a wicked look on her face , but she was interrupted before she could get another word out . " Rosalie Hale Cullen , don 't you dare finish that sentence . You 're becoming more like Emmett every day , " we heard from the doorway . Esme 's amusement could barely be contained , but she was a mother to her very core , so she tried her best to keep us all in line . " Alice , I need you to - " " Well , go get something for now , and take the boys with you , " she told her , smiling evilly when Jasper and Emmett groaned like children from the living room . " Go ! Scoot ! Edward will need everything , so stock up well . And you might as well stock Bella up , too . Carlisle says they 'll have to move back in . " I couldn 't help but giggle at her . Her voice was just stating facts , but her face screamed happiness at the prospect of all her children back under one roof . She also wasn 't fooling anyone . She wanted me alone . I lifted my shield , letting my sisters out and my mother in . We waited silently as we listened to the argument downstairs . The boys didn 't want to go , but they wouldn 't dare go against Esme 's wishes . The only way to placate them was for Alice and Rose to promise they could get a new video game . " You don 't have to get rid of it , sweetheart , " she chuckled . " God knows , you 'll need an escape . You and Edward are more alike than you know . " Grinning , I looked out my window over the vast expanse of forest that surrounded the Cullen home . While I chose to push my control limits by living in the city with humans all around , Carlisle always picked a wooded area , so upstate New York worked better for him . It gave them the freedom to be normal . Esme cupped my cheek , much like she had Edward 's . " You look . . . You 're glowing , Bella , " she whispered , her eyes falling to the mark on my neck . Smiling , I pulled my collar up a bit . " He 's . . . beautiful , " I whispered back , unable to articulate what I truly wanted to say . Finally , I just opted for , " He was worth the wait . " Esme tilted her head at me . " I 'm glad . You both deserve happiness . And now you 'll have it . Always . " She sighed , curling her legs underneath her . " Edward was always a good boy . He helped when he could when Carlisle found me . He got lost in the world , probably saw things no one ever should have , but I 'm glad that things happened this way . There 's something to be said for uninhibited love . " " I know what I 'm talking about , Isabella Marie . " She tried to sound reprimanding , but really , she could only laugh with me . " Fine , so I love a good love story . Sue me . " We were quiet for a moment . I gazed back out the window as she picked up my hand . Esme was my security blanket , my safe haven from everyone else . We could practically talk about anything , and she always knew if she should just let me be quiet . " You know what I think ? " she asked , and I shook my head no , meeting her eyes . They were warm , sweet , and comforting . " I think that this was how it was supposed to happen . That Edward was supposed to meet a strong , immortal girl , not a human like Alice theorizes . How heartbreaking it would 've been if you 'd been human and he couldn 't love you like he wanted , like you 'd have wanted to love him ? Mated to a human would be misery , because you already worry enough when your mate is unbreakable . Imagine all the things that could happen to a human . " And Edward was . . . intense back then , " she continued . " He was fiercely loyal , protective of the family , and had the ability to love with his whole being . He would 've gone insane if his mate was a fragile human girl . " Her love for her " oldest " son had never wavered . Carlisle had told me that the minute Esme opened her immortal eyes , she assumed the role of Edward 's mother , simply because he had been changed so young . He said Edward had needed it , protected it , and developed a bond with Esme instantly . But like all vampires , after a few years of never aging , always moving , and constant thirst , Edward starting questioning . . . well , everything . He questioned whether there was a God and if he had a soul . He wondered why we needed to restrain what we truly were , when he obviously had the capability to see into the minds of evil . And he wanted to stretch his wings and fly . I 'd asked all those same things . However , I never flew as far away as Edward had . Carlisle and Esme never blamed , nor thought less of any of us for any of it . Esme was right on one point . Edward loved with his entire heart and soul , whether he believed he had them or not . I could see that from the second we met . His eyes , despite their harsh color , told it all - his instant acceptance of us , his remorse for all that he 'd done , and his hope that Carlisle could fix his situation , because he couldn 't turn me over to the Volturi for the freedom he 'd waited so long to have . " Come on , " she said , patting my hand . " Let 's get this room ready . I think it 's time to get rid of the purple . I 've got just the thing to change it . And I think Edward and Carlisle will be a minute . " With a laugh , I nodded and stood up , suddenly wishing Edward was in the room , but I think Esme understood that , so I followed her lead . It felt strange needing him like that after being independent for so damn long , even as a human . As Esme and I stripped the bed , I smiled , wondering just what other changes were in our future . |
Posted on January 24 , 2016 by justicefornicoblog 2 By the morning of my eye operation I was so excited by the prospect of being able to see again I practically skipped into the hospital . No - that 's not true . But I was desperate to be able to function again as a seeing person , absolutely desperate . If they had told me the surgeon was ill and his dog was going to be operating instead I would have agreed gladly . Apart from the initial funny of the nurses trying to stop me going in , convinced I was confused and in the wrong department , it was all very straightforward . I had already had a few experiences of what it 's like when you have an " early onset " condition . Medical staff are confused by your being there at all and the other patients regard you with a deep suspicion as you are clearly not like them and therefore " faking " in some way . High - backed chairs were arranged around a room the size of a large sitting room , each with a lower backed chair next to it for your companion . I was probably the youngest person in the room by 30 years ( not counting the medical staff ) and the majority of people sat in silence , a few chatted a little to each other . We soon realised it was something of a conveyor belt as a nurse came in to check your details , do your basic health checks and talk you through the procedure . Then I had a brief chat with the surgeon and then we waited . And waited . And waited . After 3 hours of watching people go out to theatre and come back I realised that I was going to be the final person to be seen . Three albums on the iPod later and many conversations with the MN , it was finally my turn . I walked into the anaesthesia room . I was so full of excitement and anticipation . But I think it was in there that reality hit and the wheels of excitement came off a bit . You know that thing where they say " you 'll feel a little scratch " ? They lie . You feel a needle being inserted into the back of your hand . You start to feel anxious and a bit dopey and a bit sick . Then they started putting special drops into my eye . They had to use a lot of drops because it wasn 't working properly . Apparently I have " enlarged tear ducts " ( well , they have had a lot of practice ) so the anaesthesia for my eye kept going down my throat and into my stomach . They tried a double dose but in the end had to settle on a double dose x 2 . It really wasn 't that great . Then they wheel you through to surgery and by now I was in that state where you think you 're normal , but in fact you 're high as a kite . I 'm not going to tell you about the hour I spent in surgery because so far anyone I 've told begs me to stop , I 'm making them feel ill . All I will say is that having two surgeons in the back of your eye while you 're awake is not great . I had to dig very deep to get through it , as did they . It really , really wasn 't nothing . It was an hour long operation inside your eye while you 're awake . It was pretty bloody awful and immediately afterwards I could see nothing . I was ill for the rest of the day and everyone who doesn 't get on with anaesthesia and so throws up mightily after their operation will know the total misery I 'm talking about . Plus I could see less than I could before I had the op . Four days after the operation my sight started to clear and today ( 8 days after ) is the first day that I 've felt pretty much normal . I have a regime of meds and eye drops to follow for the next few weeks and I have an eye guard ( in a particularly flattering shade of NHS plastic ) to wear to reduce the risk of getting anything in my eye . I 'm very aware that I now have a permanent implant in my eye and that seems plain weird . I am the bionic woman , only a size 16 . I will see the surgeon again on 10 February and we 'll set the date for my next operation . I think the next one will be more stressful , because now I know what I 'm in for . However , there 's a very strong chance that by the start of summer I will be seeing clearly , out of both eyes , for the first time in years and I could have many more years of sight before I need more operations . I am so lucky . Only a few years ago this operation didn 't even exist and now I can have hours of painstaking , skilled eye surgery to give me back my sight for free . Just after Christmas I got up and found I could no longer see across the room . I couldn 't read the clock , couldn 't read the paper or a book and I couldn 't read my emails . The faces of my family had become pale featureless blobs . A fog had descended around me . I felt vulnerable and scared . The pressure of hiding how I felt from my family and trying to manage the most simple of day to day tasks was exhausting . I didn 't feel like me anymore and I didn 't much like this new version . I phoned the hospital and my operation date was brought forward to 16 January . There could hardly have been a worse time for this with the Southern Health scandal continuing to break around me . I could only read emails and tweets with the greatest difficulty and the concentration needed for this task was immensely tiring and seemed to make my sight worse . It felt as if the rest of the world continued to fight for justice for our precious young people , while I was just standing on the side - lines , wearing dark glasses ( quite literally ) and unable to contribute . I was afraid that people would think I had just stopped caring . I wrote a short tweet , explaining that my sight had become worse and so I was taking some time away from tweeting and blogging . I had some very nice supportive replies , wishing me well in with the operation and I was grateful for these , but I still felt cut off from the fight and alone in a very foggy place . The end of 2015 slid away without me really even noticing . I was woken in the middle of the night . Nico was calling me . I lay very still and forced myself not to jump up and run next door to his room , as I have done a thousand times . I refused to go . I refused to put myself through that torture . I knew that I would fling the door open to find a silent room and an empty bed . I had done it too many times before and I wouldn 't let myself do it again . I lay there with my heart thumping until I went back to sleep . A couple of hours later it happened again . Nico shouted to me and I woke with a jump . I lay there , again refusing to go , refusing to let myself buy into the fantasy that I would somehow find him there . The next day was hard . I felt under the shadow of what had happened in the night all day . I told no - one what had happened . I think part of me was scared they 'd say that they had heard it too . My daughter was staying with us over the New Year . The MN was still on holiday from work and using the time to see friends and let his hair down a little . Looking back , I can see that having my daughter there was a god - send . Someone to talk to , laugh with and there was also some fairly hilarious nail painting . I went to bed pretty tired that night but in the middle of the night I woke with a jump . Nico was calling me . I could hardly believe it was happening again . I would not run to his room because I realised I was afraid that I would find him there . I was afraid that somehow I would open that " low door in the wall " and cross over into a separate reality . Eventually I went back to sleep but it happened one more time that night and I said out loud " No , I can 't come " , but saying those words made me shake and weep . The next day I was alone for most of the day . I wanted to tell someone what was happening at night , but there was no - one to tell . At least no - one who I felt would understand and yet not be upset . I didn 't want to take my feelings and this story and then force someone else who loved him to know about it , talk about it and have to feel this way too . Night three . It happened again . This time I kept myself awake for the rest of the night , waiting to see what would happen . I don 't know which thought frightened me more ; the thought of not finding him there or the thought of finding him there . By night four I didn 't want to go to bed . I stayed up till almost 3 . 00pm , hoping to trick whatever was happening . It didn 't work and Nico called me in the cold grey dawn . It was driving me to the edge . By night five I was going to bed telling myself it wasn 't going to happen that night . It did . By night six I realised that I wanted it to . I wanted to hear his voice . I wanted to answer him . I wanted to feel that link between us . On night seven I was woken out of a deep sleep by Nico calling out . I woke up instantly , completely clear headed and finally I knew why he was calling me . He was telling me he needed me to keep going - that there was still so much more to be uncovered in our fight for justice . He reminded me that I wasn 't just fighting for me - I was fighting for him and he wanted everyone to know what had happened . He was telling me to get back out there and keep on fighting . So I promised him I would . The next day Beverley Dawkins called me to tell me that some interesting information had been brought to her attention . Using the Freedom of Information act , paperwork between Ridgeway Partnership and Southern Health specifically talking about Nico 's death had been found and read . It opened up a whole new area which we hadn 't even known about before . I was instantly back in the fight . Posted on December 24 , 2015 by justicefornicoblog 12 For a long time I did really well . I kept myself so incredibly busy and so stressed that I didn 't have time to think about it . But eventually of course I ran out of things to do and that day was today , Christmas Eve . I kept myself so busy and stressed in the weeks leading up to today it made me ill . But I thought it would work . We had so little time to decorate the house and I had to do it in such a rush that there was no time to think about it , I just had to get it done . It was the same thing for the presents , same thing for the cards and for the wrapping . It was just an exhausting battle with no time to think , just trying to get it all done . I was absolutely determined that this Christmas would be better . Somehow I just so desperately needed it not to be the awful misery of every Christmas we have had since Nico died . We called him " Mr Christmas " , he loved it so , and the pain of every Christmas since we lost him has been just unbearable . Except that now , on Christmas Eve I find myself exhausted , stressed and alone . My thoughts and emotions cannot be ignored . In time honoured Reed family tradition , Nico 's dad is in the pub and I ought to be watching " Carols from Kings " with Nico while we wrap up presents . I ought to be singing loudly and Nico was always so proud and amazed that I seemed to know every song ( I never told him that if I didn 't know I just read the words off the screen and sang them - he never rumbled me ) . We ought to be sitting in a scene of happy , ribbon and paper strewn chaos and singing our hearts out in front of a roaring fire ( no matter what the weather , the fire was obligatory ) as Mr Reed comes home . But I 'm never going to do those things again . Perhaps in the end what I need to do is to invent a whole new set of Christmas traditions , rather than try to bury my misery in activities so stressful I can 't think , eat or sleep . There is probably only one way forward and that is to find a new type of Merry Christmas . To be honest I owe it not only to my daughter and my partner , but also to Nico . It 's still a work in progress . I tried something different this year and it hasn 't really worked . But one thing I have realised is that I am not alone in this . In fact I am one of hundreds of thousands . We are all desperately trying to ; if not beat the Christmas misery , not let ourselves drown in it . At this time you year you feel so alone , but the truth is really very different . I am thinking of all of you now . I 'm thinking of every mother who will never need to hang up a stocking up again for the much loved child . Every child and every adult who aches to be held by that much loved parent they will never see again . The agony of a Christmas without the partner you thought you would love forever and grow old with . The pain of a Christmas without that so longed for baby , when everyone else you know seems to have theirs . The empty dull pain of the marriage which can 't be made to work when it seems everyone else 's can . The argument which can 't be healed . The desperate last visits to the hospice . The knowledge that this will definitely be your last Christmas and your fear for the family you leave behind . In fact , when we look at the truth at the heart of it all , Christmas for most people isn 't very merry at all . It calls into sharp focus who is missing and what we have lost . It reminds us of how far our lives are from what we wish they were . Posted on December 20 , 2015 by justicefornicoblog 3 After the " hell of a week " I decided that I 'd take yesterday off . Of course that didn 't really work out . Thanks to my mother I 've been brainwashed to think that if someone writes to you and you don 't write back promptly , that 's rude . Unfortunately my mother 's brainwashing was in a world before Twitter , so the idea of taking a day off really didn 't work out that well ! After spending several hours on Twitter ( attempting to reply promptly to everyone who had written to me ) I decided that it was now or never for " operation deck the halls " . We 've never decorated the house for Christmas this late . The pressure is so on and once we began we realised the extent of the pressure . Buy a tree , decorate a tree , clean the house , decorate the house , write cards and send , buy presents , wrap presents . Buy food . Buy a lot of batteries . Because on a very primal level , my dear MN actually wants to just go and live in his man - cave till it 's all over , where he can drink and cry for his boy alone ; he is distinctly lacking in the ho - ho - ho . He announced quite curtly that he was off to get the tree and even that was loaded with symbolism . We always went as a family to choose the tree and Nico always did the actual choosing . That is why , inevitably , we ended up with the lop - sided tree , the tree with the missing top branch , the bald tree , the droopy tree - the tree that no - one wanted , which most needed a home . Nico had an uncanny instinct for spotting the person or the thing that most needed love , and then giving it . As a consequence , through the years we have had to be extremely creative in using lighting and glittery things to cover up tree defects . But this year the MN made sure he went out alone to buy a tree quickly and without fuss or even very much " choosing " . Just before he went out the tension ramped up as he started reading some of the tweets sent to me yesterday morning . Because we still find it hard to tell each other when it 's just all got too much , instead our distress became a ridiculous argument about batteries . After he left I decided that this was not going to be the theme of my day . I made a large cup of tea and scrolled down to " Christmas " on the iPod . With carols blaring out I started cleaning with a will . Tree and MN ( and many , many batteries ) came home and there was hugging and some tears . The rest of the day was me on tree decorating and music choice , him on lighting in all downstairs rooms . I then turned my attention to cards . I 've made a list for this year and I also found last year 's list . I used to be a huge card sender . I loved picking the right card for the right person and each of my messages were individual and carefully thought out . But last Christmas was the first year after Nico 's death that I even sent . It was hard . I made no attempt at words really . I just put their name at the top and " from the Reed family " at the bottom . It was the most I could manage . This year I 've done better I think . For a start I bought all my cards from Mencap because I wanted to give something back to a charity which did so much for us last year . I 've also written individual messages and perhaps most significantly , for the first time - I also wrote our names at the bottom . This is significant because it 's very much the reason why I stopped writing Christmas cards . Christmas 2012 was less than 3 months after Nico died . I sat with my pile of cards and I realised I couldn 't write a single one . I simply could not bring myself to write our all names at the bottom as I had for over 20 years , and miss one of those names off . We wrote our four family names , with love . Now suddenly to write just three and leave a gap was more than I could bear . I didn 't know how to write the word Merry or even the word Hope . I just sat for one utterly miserable afternoon just looking at a pile of cards I couldn 't write on and I couldn 't bear to touch . In the end I just picked them all up and put them back in the box . We sent no Christmas cards that year . The following year my MN wrote the cards and it was he who came up with the idea of writing the slightly less painful " Reed family " at the bottom , so last year I did the same . I don 't know how he feels , but I still want so very badly to put Nico 's name on as well . He hasn 't stopped being a member of this family . He 's still my son . This year I 've also done something I haven 't done since Nico died . I actually read some of the cards that were sent to us . A few have thoughtful messages full of love and remembrance . Others are dashed off , obviously with the same words that were written to all on their list . As I read them I wondered how many of the writers had thought about us when writing those cards , really thought about us when they had that flash of memory and remembered not to add on Nico 's name . In the week before that terrible Christmas of 2012 I received a card from a lady called Sarah . Although we always exchanged cards I hadn 't seen her that year . So she wrote the card she had always sent - with all our names including Nico 's and all 4 kisses below . I loved that card so much . I held that card to my chest and I could hardly breathe . In the sea of misery which was our first Christmas without Nico , I loved that one card because it was ordinary - a card from simpler , happier times . A card written to a normal , happy , loving family at Christmas . I still have that card and I still put it out . Thank you Sarah . Posted on December 18 , 2015 by justicefornicoblog 5 I 've asked a lot of different people and everyone gives me a slightly different answer . Is it pronounced Mazaar or Mazzer ? I 've decided that I 'm going to settle on Mazar - as in rhyming with far . At least for the length of this blog . Then a few weeks later I received another , very similar phone call . I told them the same thing again . I wanted to be very clear about this . With Nico 's independent investigation coming up I wanted to make sure that we didn 't somehow get joined onto something that wasn 't anything to do with us . Plus I didn 't really know very much at all about the Mazars report . A couple of weeks ago I became aware of a lot of talk on Twitter about how Southern Health was attempting to delay the publication of the Mazars report . They were questioning the way it had been put together and basically trying to kick it into the long grass where they hoped it might lie , forgotten . It was then that I thought for the first time that there must be a lot in it that Southern Health feared for them to do that . Then on Wednesday 9 December everything changed . The Mazars report was leaked to the BBC who ran with the leaked report as the headline piece on the main news . The immediate effect on my family I 've already written about in other blogs this month , so I won 't say it all over again here . But I 've since thought how slender is the difference between what actually happened to us and what so nearly could have happened . What could have been our story . If we hadn 't been told to ring Beverley Dawkins at Mencap in June 2013 we would have been sitting in front of the TV that night as a family who received no support following Nico 's death . We would have been a family who were steamrollered by Southern Health at a quickie inquest and sent on our way with a verdict of natural causes . We would have spent 2 anguished years before we happened to be sitting down in front of the TV on the night of 9 December . From Wednesday night on my life has been in turmoil . My house isn 't decked . Few presents bought and none are wrapped . My normal life as I knew it has gone on hold . I am ill and yet I 'm too busy to be ill . It 's like taking a seat on a crazy carousel that I am scared to stay on and scared to get off . Since Wednesday I 've been blogging about the Mazars report a lot - mainly because I thought that was the only thing I could do . I could throw my small voice into the tumult . But within a few days the BBC were talking to me . They wanted interviews . I didn 't really understand why they wanted interviews with me , when Nico wasn 't included in the Mazars report . A week after the report was leaked to the BBC , Michael Buchanan , principal journalist of the BBC investigation into the report , spent the day at my house . He interviewed me over several hours . They 've only shown a minute so far of the interview , but I 'm guessing that some of the rest may surface at some point . Towards the end of his time with me he asked me a very curious question . He asked me if I had seen the report . I told him I hadn 't - of course I hadn 't , when would I have seen it ? He told me that he was going to show me a section of the report and then he was going to ask me who it was about . He then said to me " and it 's very important that you answer truthfully " . I just looked at him . Why on earth would I lie ? I really didn 't understand what was going on . A whole section about Nico . A whole section about how Katrina Percy had written to us to tell us that they 'd held an in - house check into why Nico had died but they had decided not to tell us they 'd done so , or what the findings were because they had decided that we would we 'd find knowing it too upsetting . Then some stuff about how that had made us feel . Not Nico 's or our names of course - but you don 't need names when you 're as familiar with the words you 're reading as you are when reading your own address . Thursday night it was me on the TV . I chose that outfit with care so they 'd be somewhere to put the microphone . Pity about the rest of me , but in my defence , it was all pretty horrible . It was no flippant and polished talk show . I found out at 10 . 30pm last night that I wasn 't being picked up and taken to London to appear on BBC Breakfast time this morning , which meant I had time to fit in a live radio interview with Howard Bentham on BBC Radio Oxford . Considering it was still dark and for me very early , I was remarkably feisty . This was put together by the other driver of this investigation , the rather wonderful Serena Martin , who has stuck like a bloodhound with glue on his nose to both mine and Sara Ryan 's stories since the get - go . Serena - I like you . This morning I had an early meeting with ( top woman ) Jan Sunman ( Oxfordshire Family support network ) and one of the commissioners of the Mazars Report and some of the NHS England team based at Jubilee House , Oxford . Jan and I did rather put the others on the spot , but to give them their due - if we had the questions , they had the answers . It 's has been very hard to me to suddenly enter this world and yes , I spent quite a lot of time saying " what does that word mean ? " and " what do you mean by that ? " , but the difference is , I 'm no longer embarrassed to ask this . It 's how you find out , after all . At the end of this meeting I stayed on in Jubilee House . Most of the others , including Jan Sunman , also stayed on and got stuck in with the " Transforming Care " meeting that was taking place there - which I bet was some pretty hot and strong stuff between the Mazars report and the new round of ghastly , almost joke - like cuts to social care announced by Oxfordshire County Council today . If people like Jan and her work partner Gail Hanrahan are anything to go by though , there will be some pretty good and real transformations to care taking place and the people behind the cuts will find out they have taken on some tigers of disability rights . Me , I went into a " Making Families Count " steering group meeting . I had a lot to say . I know I was loud , I know I was passionate and opinionated . Looking at the support given to families after an unexpected death by Southern Health has galvanised not only me but the whole team in a most remarkable way . We have a lot of work scheduled for next year and never has it seemed more relevant or more important to get the work done . Training NHS Trusts on what " good " looks like , on transparency , candour and best practice in supporting families after an unexpected death . Unsurprisingly , Southern Health has not yet signed up for one of our training days . I later found out that while we were having our meeting there had been a demonstration going on outside , with people protesting about the deaths of so many of Oxfordshire 's precious young people in the " care " of Southern Health . I don 't know much about it because by the time I left the building it had ended . But the irony wasn 't lost on me that while outside people were shouting about the deaths and the need for change , inside the building exactly the same thing was going on at the same time . So that is my Mazars - so far . And perhaps it will be the whole of my Mazars experience . My time in the media spotlight may be over for now . Posted on December 13 , 2015 by justicefornicoblog 5 Since the Mazars Report on deaths in the care of Southern Health NHS Trust was leaked to the BBC on Wednesday it has burst out of our TV screens almost without ceasing . For families like ours , families both featured in the report and affected by the reporting , it has been incredibly hard . We had no warning , the first we knew about it was quite literally when we were seeing it on television for the first time . It has been shocking . But we are families still living with the shock , the pain and the heartbreak of losing family members , so watching every report is almost an extension of this . These are emotions which every single family involved are used to dealing with . Most of us have already experienced years of anguish at the hands of Southern Health . Now seeing it being discussed in the House of Commons , on the television and in the papers , seems almost surreal . Even more bizarre are the people in the pub , in the shop and in street who suddenly want to talk about it . They 've had no interest in talking to us about it for 3 years , but now they do . Perhaps the clue is in an email we received yesterday . I won 't say who sent it because it might embarrass him and I 'm the last person who would ever want to cause embarrassment or suffering . I know suffering . Part of the email reads : " All the things you were saying , Rosi , when we were talking , were true - and it is terrible that it has taken all this time to bring it to light . I admire both of you enormously for your strength and for the way you have held things together in the face of such grief - and such injustice " Never at any stage since Nico died has it occurred to me , till now , that anyone might think that what I was saying wasn 't completely true . Now I realise that perhaps one of the reasons why we have been distinctly lacking support from family and friends is because they ( at worst ) doubted the truth of what we were saying and ( at best ) thought it possible that our pain and grief was causing us to look for wrongdoing where there was none , or exaggerate what had happened to us . The focus seems to be so much on the number of deaths and of course that 's completely right . But in the last few days I 've been thinking a lot about the fact that before there were 1 , 000 deaths , there were 1 , 000 lives . Before these people became death statistics , they had lives . They were real people . My son Nico had a life . He lived to be 23 years old . He died very young it 's true and many , many years before he should have . He should have outlived me . But nevertheless , he did have a life . He was the centre of our family . The bossy little Aires in a family of Libras and Pisces . We all danced to his tune and we did it happily . Nico liked a lot of attention and he liked to be the centre of attention ( can 't think where he got it from ! ) . Growing up in a wacky household like ours suited him perfectly . We really didn 't do " can 't " and so neither did he . When he was really small I was still dancing professionally and he often came to the theatre , or the club or the party , wherever I was performing . By the time he was 5 his older sister had started to dance professionally too and so he was completely at home backstage in a theatre , in the rehearsal studio , in a TV studio - he thought all families were like us and because we always acted as if Nico was just , well Nico , everyone around him did so too . He loved sailing , so we took him sailing . He loved animals , so we took him riding . He loved mountains and dangerous , precarious paths - so that was where we went too . His father was utterly fearless with him , so Nico had no fear . I taught Nico to love all types of music - there was no " cool " music , just great music . So Nico loved Flamenco , Faithless and Sean Paul with equal devotion . Nico was never surprised when people flocked around him adoringly . He more or less expected it ! He knew how to play a crowd though . He had this neat little trick which absolutely never failed to work ( particularly on pretty women ) of dropping his head and then looking up at them through his very long eyelashes with a little coy smile which would widen and widen into a great big grin when he saw how utterly they had fallen under his charms . Nico had his " special " people . People who knew how much he loved them and their shared love could fill a room with the joy it brought to both him and to them . I 'm so lucky ; I was on that list of special people . Posted on December 12 , 2015 by justicefornicoblog 11 Katrina Percy was almost genetically designed to be the CEO of a large health trust . She 's the product of a GP father and a physiotherapist mother , who actually worked for Southern Health for a while . Born and brought up by health professionals , from a young age Katrina Percy would have been included in conversations about the importance of good care , transparency and honesty within the NHS . Her background may be the reason why she 's climbed so fast , so high . She 's young to be the CEO of a vast health organisation . She 's young to be in charge of over 9 , 000 employees . She 's driven and tirelessly working to promote herself and her organisation . She never misses an opportunity to tell the world about how fantastic her staff are and how good her management team are . Of course they are Katrina ; you must have trained them to be just like you . In 2013 , in the same month that Katrina Percy won the Health Service Journal 's chief executive of the year award she wrote to us . If you read this blog regularly you 'll be familiar with certain parts of her letter in which she rubbished and rebuked all our complaints and questions regarding our son 's death and instead told us : " Although a Root Cause Analysis had been completed , you weren 't informed that this had taken place . You weren 't informed as it was thought this would be distressing for you . " Now I know that she 'd just been awarded HSJ chief executive of the year in the same week she wrote to us , I can see why she felt completely confident to say this to me . Top of her game , untouchable , Teflon coated , ambition almost completely fulfilled . Next stop for her - who knows , top government health advisor ? The world at her feet . No wonder she had little trouble stepping over our annoying , moany little letter . She really wasn 't going to let the death of our son ripple in her world . Now social media and national media are full of outraged people asking why she won 't step down . One answer is that she doesn 't want to . Like a lot of deeply ambitious people , she is vain . Now that the wheels of her career are starting to come off she isn 't ready to jump out . She wants to stay and fight . But not because she thinks she is right . She wants to stay because she refuses to relinquish all that hard work , all that sacrifice and ladder climbing . She cannot let it all be in vain . She refuses to admit that her name could ever become a by - word for callous mismanagement . That was never part of the plan . Luckily she doesn 't have to go because the board of directors at Southern Health still need to keep her in place . To let her go would be admitting they are in the wrong and they are still a very long way from doing that . Letting Katrina Percy go would be like admitting that there is a reason she should go and that 's completely at odds with their current position , where they tell us that far from Southern Health being the monsters portrayed by the Mazars Report they are actually only guilty of the deaths of 700 people at most . They are fond of " natural causes " as a reason for death . Possibly fond because after such a death they find it all so much easier to wash off their hands and pop the paperwork in a high , dusty drawer . Southern Health said that young Connor Sparrowhawk died of natural causes when he drowned alone and unsupervised with the staff who could have saved him literally just feet away . They told the coroner at Nico 's inquest that he died of natural causes . Their solicitor told the inquest that there really was no reason for them to be there at all because ; " Sad as it is , we have to expect such deaths in young people with profound disabilities " . In both cases the coroner didn 't agree , thank god . In both cases " natural causes " was found not to be the cause of death . Posted on December 11 , 2015 by justicefornicoblog 9 My mother was a very wise woman . She told me once that the mark of maturity is understanding how and why to apologise . She said that you should never be afraid to be wrong and to admit you are wrong . She told me it takes 3 steps . Step one was to admit to the person that you were wrong . Step two is to apologise , but the apology only works if you understand why you 're apologising and what you 're apologising for . The third and final step is to offer to make amends in a real and lasting way and this has to be something done not on your terms , but on the terms of what the person you 're apologising to . It has to be what they want and need . This means that a successful apology requires a certain degree of humility . You need to sufficiently comfortable in your own skin to be able to do this without feeling it diminishes you . You actually need to care more about getting it right to the other person , than about how you appear . I was speaking at an NHS Ethics conference in Coventry 2 weeks ago and at the end of my speech I asked if anyone had any questions . A senior surgeon raised his hand and asked me if Southern Health have ever apologised to me . I actually laughed - I couldn 't stop myself , as the thought of them apologising just seemed so ludicrous . I replied " No , we 've never had an apology and I know now we never will because in order to apologise they would first have to admit they were in the wrong " . I watched Katrina Percy , the CEO of Southern Health being " door stepped " by BBC 's Michael Buchanan this morning on the national news . She looked haggard , dishevelled and certainly not in command of her own wardrobe , let alone a large NHS health Trust . However , she had clearly never met my mother , or been given any good advice in her life around apologising as she had this to say : Did I blink and miss it ? Was there an apology there at all ? I didn 't actually even hear a reference to the actual events which are unfolding as we speak - I heard no acknowledgment that people 's beloved sons and daughters have died on her watch . Died and then she tried to just sweep them into the corner , unnoticed . Hmmm … . . Close Mr Hunt , but not quite right . Let me take you through those apology rules again Jezza and while I have your attention , I think you should be listening to this too , Katrina Percy : Rule 1 . " Admit to the person you were wrong " . That means actually people - not some blanket , all family apology . Ms Percy you definitely know my son 's name and you know my name too . You can tell Jezza what it is if you want to . You can use our names to remind everyone that those thousand people who died in your care all had names and faces . They all had loving , now grieving families . Rule 2 . " Understand why you 're apologising and what you 're apologising for . " I don 't think I need to elaborate on this one , but frankly Ms Percy as no - one has even mentioned the " hard working doctors and nurses " in your company , so it sounds very much to me as if you 're really not sure why you 're apologising to and what it 's for . Rule 3 . " Offer to make amends in a real and lasting way and this has to be something done not on your terms , but on the terms of what the person you 're apologising to . It has to be what they want and need . " I 'm waiting . I 'm happy to wait until you 're interested in even asking me what I want and need . I 'm also very happy to tell you - you really just have to ask . And so it seems that sorry really is the hardest word . Or maybe it 's just so very hard to say when you don 't mean it and then it just becomes another sound - bite echoing through the air . Blowing away in the wind . Until it just becomes nothing . Posted on December 10 , 2015 by justicefornicoblog 7 " A failure of leadership at Southern Health . A lack of transparency , missed opportunities , raising the prospect that some deaths could have been avoided if earlier incidents had been properly investigated " So said Michael Buchanan in his damming BBC headlining report on Southern Health NHS yesterday . But I can 't be sure at his point if Nico would have been living , safe and well today if " earlier incidents " had been investigated , or in fact if his death was one of those earlier incidents . Death as " incident " . When you describe it like that you can almost see how easily a culture of non - investigation could thrive in a large NHS Trust . After all , investigation takes , time , money , resources and a willingness to be thorough and painstaking . It also requires you to believe that such an investigation is important and necessary . Nico was disabled , non - verbal and needed 24 hour care . The fact that he was funny and bright , loving , friendly and kind was irrelevant to Southern Health when he died . His death was so unimportant to them that they decided that only a " Root Cause Analysis " was necessary . Not a full investigation . Just a quick who , what , where and why . Conducted in house of course , no need to bother outsiders . So Katrina Percy , CEO of Southern Health finally wrote us a letter to shut us up and get rid of us . 6 months after Nico died . 6 months of me making a fuss . In this letter she told us : " Although a Root Cause Analysis had been completed , you weren 't informed that this had taken place . You weren 't informed as it was thought this would be distressing for you , but had you been provided with this information , it would have helped you to understand that the Trust was looking to learn from any issues surrounding your son 's death . I am sorry that we did not keep you informed and appreciate that this must have caused you additional distress . " Southern Health said in their statement to the BBC that " they have been learning from deaths " . At Nico 's inquest , over 2 . 5 years after he died rather than show us just how much " learning " they had been doing , Southern Health demonstrated a sharp desire to crush us . They had spent a considerable amount of public money bringing in a " ringer " a top solicitor well known for his excellent work in winning high profile inquests for public sector organisations . They lied at the inquest , they mislead the coroner . They showed us that actually what they had " learnt " was to crush us hard and mercilessly . Close down our campaign as quickly as they could . There was absolutely no sense whatsoever that they regretted what had been done . Now it seems almost inevitable that Katrina Percy will be forced to step down from her job as CEO . Quite rightly . I cannot comprehend why she didn 't do this herself as soon as she found out that precious young people had died horrible , needless deaths on her watch . But will she be cast out from Southern Health as the sacrificial lamb ? After her demise as CEO will it just be business as usual for Southern Health and is it possible for us all to stop that from happening ? To what extend should the work of large NHS Trusts be monitored and perhaps more importantly , how can we make sure that they even understand what " doing well " looks like ? Southern Health took over Ridgeway Partnership in Oxfordshire . They took over the running of the house where my son died and every other home , house , hospital and ATU unit that Ridgeway Partnership ran in Oxfordshire . They changed nothing , staff were re - graded so they could pay them less , but otherwise nothing changed . Now Southern Health wants to blame poor practices in Ridgeway Partnership for many of these deaths . " It 's not our fault - it was them ! " But the truth is that when you take over another business , if you are good at what you do , you look closely at current practices and where you feel they are weak or dangerous , you make urgent changes . If Southern Health didn 't like the way that Ridgeway did things , they had ample opportunity to instigate sweeping changes - but they chose not to . They even kept on the same staff in their same jobs and just gave them snappy new Southern Health style titles . It was all business as usual . This suggests to me that they had no real grasp on what excellent practice is and that simply cannot be blamed on the CEO alone . The instigation and continuation of excellent practice can be found at any level . All it takes is good , well trained managers at all levels , put into place by a board of directors - all of whom know what good looks like and are absolutely determined to deliver it . Good care costs no more than poor care but what it does require is for the top down of an organisation to want it . When these huge and damming reports sweep across the media it 's very easy to forget to include the families affected and I 'm not even talking now about us or the family of the most high profile victim of Southern Health , Connor Sparrowhawk . I 'm talking about the frantic , traumatised families who have their beloved sons and daughters in the care of Southern Health right now . How do you think they are feeling today ? How do you think they felt when they turned on their TVs last night ? If these families are going to sleep at night they need to absolutely know their children are safe and will stay safe and that means more than just sacking the CEO and maybe a couple of expendable board members . They have already had a bellyful of slogans , jargon and rhetoric from Southern Health - now they want to see good care . So I suggest that when the dead wood has been pruned from Southern Health , we all do our best to help them become worthy of the people in their care . But we really shouldn 't kid ourselves - Southern Health are not the only NHS Trust caring for disabled people who have blood on their hands . I strongly suspect that the true figures for unexplained deaths " Death by Indifference " as my friend Beverley Dawkins put it in her 2007 Mencap report , would be so high that you would be staggered . 12 . 000 unexplained deaths in the hands of Southern Health - how many deaths would that be across the UK if all the NHS Trusts were added together ? Exactly this time and this day last year , Nico 's inquest was beginning . I wish with all my heart that I could be sure there will never be another family who will suffer as we do . But for that to happen we need to look at more than just changing one bad CEO of one Trust . We need to look at what is happening to the care of our young people nationwide , and urgently . Posted on November 29 , 2015 by justicefornicoblog 7 On Thursday I was listening to the radio . Recently I 've had the radio on in the house in the afternoons . I used to pass my days at home in silence . I like to work in silence and I find background noise distracting , but it also means that I can spend over 8 hours a day in complete silence , which sometimes seems to make me just too thoughtful , too introspective . Yesterday I was listening to the radio and a song came on that make me literally shake and made tears run silently down my face . That song was " Eternal Flame " by The Bangles . Not everyone 's first choice for a song to move you to tears but for me this song is very special . When I was pregnant with Nico I determined to have the " good birth experience " . The one I didn 't have with my daughter . When I was in labour with her I asked the midwife for pain relief and she replied " no , you should suffer , you wicked sinful girl " So the MN and I made elaborate plans for our perfect home birth . By incredible luck our midwife lived a few houses away on the same side of our road and she agreed with the plan about having the baby in our bedroom surrounded by everything familiar and with our specially made music playlist so that our baby would be born to the sound of lovely music . I bought a new nightie , new bed linen , I made a playlist tape ( oh yes , those were the days of mixed tapes ! ) and the MN worked hard to finish off all the DIY to the bedroom . Everything was going to be just as perfect as we wanted it to be . But life so seldom is interested in our plans is it ? Two weeks before my due date the hospital discovered that they had made a mistake and given me someone else 's blood sugar results . So when a few weeks earlier I was told that my blood sugar levels were great , they actually should have told me was that I had incredibly high ( almost off the scale ) level gestational diabetes and needed a total diet change and monitoring . But I had spent almost my whole pregnancy in blissful ignorance of this . So all our plans were off and instead I was booked in for an induced hospital birth on my due date . Bum ! However , we arranged with the hospital that we could use their " family room " which was then a very new idea . A hospital room in the maternity ward , but laid out like a normal bedroom with wallpaper , pictures , a bed of normal width and height , arm chairs with cushions etc . We thought it would do . It was a non - scary room and owing to my previous birth experience I was already having the heebie - jeebies , so I needed there to be a lot of non - scary around . Again , things didn 't go quite as planned . After the initial injection I had a few contractions which gradually faded away to nothing . By that evening the midwives conceded nothing was going to happen that day and I sat up in bed eating toast very unhappily by 9 . 00pm and the MN went home . Bright and early , on the dot of 8 . 00am we were once again a sea of activity . The midwives arrived , the MN arrived and they tried again . I knew it was 8 . 00am exactly because we had turned our cassette player over to " radio " and were listening to the news . As I had my inducing injection again it was announced that the UK was accepting applications from Britons wanting to train as astronauts . I strapped on my TENS machine and we got stuck in . Most of the next 3 hours I don 't really remember . The 10 metre long corridor between the room and the loo became like an endless frozen wasteland , with me clinging to the walls when things got bad , but we also had lots of giggles along the way . Yesterday , it was the first time that I had heard that song again in many years . Suddenly the words took on a whole new meaning " Is this burning an eternal flame ? " I know the answer now . Yes it is - it really is . |
It all began around June of 1945 and delivery was made promptly on 3 / 26 / 1946 . I 'm told it was a sunny day but where I had been hanging out it was pretty cramped . Then things went from bad to worse as I was removed physically from my little place and stuff into what felt like a straight jacket and squeezed down what turned out to be a birth canal . That 's a heck of a way to start life but I persevered . As luck would have it , I was born into the wrong family but no one would listen ! " I don 't belong here , " I kept telling them but they smiled and indicated I 'd get used to it . I didn 't . My mother screamed a lot , not just at me but everyone . One older brother tortured me when no one was around and denied everything when I complained . He was a " pincher , " but only in places that wouldn 't show . He was also an arm twister . He was 3 years my senior and always a head taller . He told his friends to beat me up and then watched as they did . My father never talked or said much of anything . He was just " there ! " We weren 't allowed to play with my younger brother , as he was too fragile and might get hurt . See , wrong family ! The next thing I knew , they were sending me off to a parochial kindergarten for training in a foreign language , forced to drink curdled milk out of a tiny bottle that had been sitting on a radiator for a couple of hours , watched other kids my age just cry their eyes out until they vomited , then bused home . I don 't recall saying a word at school for the entire time , about 5 months . Hated it ! One day and it was winter time , I missed the bus going home and didn 't know what to do , I was 5 and alone . I walked over to the nearest tree and pushed the brim of my hat into the tree and just cried . Seemed appropriate ! The next thing I knew , the bus was back for me , evidently the driver took a head count and came up short ! I was saved to return to the wrong family . . . First grade was at a different school , Marshal Elementary School , about 85 % African American and obviously White kids were the minority and because of our ethnicity , were victimized horribly . I was forced to hold my older brother 's hand all the way there and all the way home , unless I was being beaten up , then he would act like he didn 't know me . At age 9 , We all moved to the suburbs , after my mother yelled at my father enough , he borrowed money from my grandmother to put a down payment on a house . A small 3 bedroom that we thought was the lap of luxury , it was . We were used to all three of we brothers sleeping in the same bedroom in a rather poor neighborhood in Chicago , where my mom and dad slept on a Murphy bed in the only other room besides the kitchen . . . I suddenly had a life , friends , baseball , football and basketball . Even hockey ! Kids ringing the bell and asking if I could come out to play . I even had a best friend ! Life began ! I don 't think I 've ever told this to anyone , pretty much because I just realized it , but I never had my own place to sleep growing up , ever ! That 's probably why I tended to sleep around for a long time until I got married . Ever since my earliest memories started , I always had to share a space with someone . First it was because we lived in a one bedroom apartment on Chicago 's West side , where I was the middle child of 3 boys and my parents slept on a Murphy bed in the living room . By the way , I managed to light that one bedroom on fire , but that 's a whole other story . We were poor by anyone 's standards , but then , when I was 9 , in 1955 , my father accepted a gift from his mother , who lived in the lap of luxury , who vacationed in CA every winter , after my mother SCREAMING about it everyday , forever ! We were Skokie bound , where I learned a new word from my mother in referring to houses . " Matchboxes " . Everyone else 's house looked like a matchbox except ours that truly was a matchbox ! But , it had 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms and a full basement with plumbing for a 3rd bathroom ! For us it was heaven . If you do the math , there were 3 bedrooms and my parents for some reason wanted one of them , the master bedroom , leaving 2 others for 3 boys . My kid brother got one , because he hadn 't started school yet . My older brother got one out of respect for position , being the eldest and he needed his own , leaving me to sleep where I could . My younger brother 's room had a sliding door closet , meaning a double , so I was allowed to keep my clothes there , while my older brother 's room had only a single . My parents put a cot downstairs in the unfinished basement for me . Can you imagine the message that a young boys gets from this ? Nobody has room for me ! At some point when my grandfather passed away , my Bubbe came to live with us and my older brother was asked to move in with my younger brother and I was required to sleep with this 80 plus year old woman that didn 't speak a word of English , just Yiddish . I listened to moans and groans and snoring of this woman , that really had no identity to me , other than occasionally she 'd suck my entire cheek into her mouth while smiling , so I figured I was okay . To me the living situation was torture ! Finally , when Bubbe couldn 't stand my mother anymore and visa versa , Bubbe moved in with an aunt , but did I get the room ? Nope , it was back to the damp basement , but at least privacy . My older brother got the room because truly it was always his ! That 's not even the reason that I moved out of that place at 18 , but I got a job and never really looked back . Why did this thought come to mind after so many years ? My son is in Chicago on business and asked me for the address of where I grew up and he 's going to send me a picture . A picture would be nice , but it 's already emblazened into my memory , not necessarily in a good way . . . In my humble opinion , the tastiest way to eat pork chops or chicken breasts is to bread it and fry it . It 's really a lot of work but with a reward and many detriments , such as clogged arteries . Having had multiple heart surgeries , I should know better but once in a great while I splurge . About once a year , I cave and buy thin pork chops while keeping my eyes closed . On Tuesday of this week , I defrosted a package of hamburger meat and made a huge meatloaf . The recipe was handed down to me from a reliable source , the Internet ! I cooked it , I ate it and I awakened about 2 AM feeling strange and puked . After , I laid in bed wondering what could have caused this stomach upset when suddenly I leaped out of bed at about 3 AM and started checking the expiration dates on my Costco bulk purchases within my freezer , only to see that some of the stuff was about to have a one year birthday . Having just heaved my guts , was enough motivation to toss everything ! Wednesday after returning from the gym , I did my usual recuperation of about an hour in my recliner watching the news . Hunger rose it 's ugly had and notified me it was time to eat . Doing a mental inventory of what I had in the house , it came down to peanut butter and jelly or fried pork chops . The pork chops won , hands down ! I changed out of my gym clothes and into my frying clothes and began the tedious task of cooking , ugh ! I 'm a fan of double dipping , applying the egg wash and bread crumbs twice . Today with only 4 pork chops , I did a triple dip . I poured expensive virgin olive oil into my pan and heated it to the desired temperature and cooked 2 while applying breading to the second 2 , being extra careful not to splash the hot boiling grease , even moving the handle to the 90 degree position , so there would be zero chance of accidentally hitting it . I lined a plate with paper towels and carefully removed the first 2 chops from the oil and I don 't even know how it happened , but I hit the handle and as if in slow motion , I watched the oil form a spout and a huge stream of it came flying out of the pan , towards me . Thank God for something called reflexes because I jumped back and didn 't feel any pain and thought that evidently the oil missed me , until I looked and saw the my green shirt and gold shorts were ruined with oil , even my underwear , it turned out . Yet it didn 't burn me in the least . I looked up and you know who I thanked ! ( I 'm becoming quite a fan of his . ) I finished cooking the second 2 chops while I changed into something a little less greasy , sprayed WD - 40 onto the oil spots and let it soak for 30 minutes , then pour liquid dish washing soap onto the whole mess and let it sit for another 30 minutes , then washed the soiled clothes in HOT water in the machine . Guess what ? It worked ! Stains completely gone . By the time I was through with the entire process , I wasn 't the least bit hungry but nibbled through the smallest one and waited for the laundry to finish . . . And that 's why fried food is soooo bad for you ! This has been a miserable day ! Several things lately haven 't been going the way I 'd prefer them , but that 's just life . My job as an active member of society is to live my life in accordance with the experience that I have gathered over the years . Some call it being judgmental , but isn 't that how you learned to cross a busy street ? Using judgment ? My new insurance company , Health Choice , although trying , hasn 't been doing the job they represented to me , thus far . I inquired about getting a cataract removed and they referred me to The first optical company where the young girl was just plain rude to me when trying to schedule an appointment . I decided that rather than defame her , I 'd just hang up and use a different optical company , enter Southwestern Eye Center . The young lady at the insurance company set up an appointment for me but at a location that was pretty far away . Upon entering their Scottsdale location , about 12 miles away , I was asked to fill out a ton of paperwork . You know the routine . After a time , I was called in and examined by a young , perhaps 20 years old , girl that was short and quite plump , but that has nothing to do with my story . In advance , I was asked to bring a list of the medications I was taking and I did . One of the meds is a soda pill that I take 3 times a week to make life for my distressed kidneys a little better . She notes the meds I supplied her with , into the computer , then asks me if I use any other caffeine besides soda . I ask how she knew I occasionally drank soda and she replies that I listed it under my meds ! I laugh and explain that the soda is a pill and I certainly wouldn 't list soda under medications . More importantly , I realized she wasn 't smart enough to be doing this job . ( Judgmental ) I skipped it , as it was now time to look through their apparatus . She would tell me not to blink , but would then push the gizmo against my eye lashes which causes a spontaneous blink . It 's a human reflex , try it . Each time she 'd touch my eye lashes with the machine , although I really tried , I found myself doing a reflex blink and she got mad , displaying her frustration and anger . Although I didn 't say anything except it was a reflex that I have no control over , she showed her anger . I realized she had no business trying to do this job with her limited intelligence and wondered who hired her knowing this . I finally completed this pLast night , thinking about how uncomfortable I am driving after having my eyes dilated , I texted my son to see if he was free to come with me , just in case . He called me back and told me he 'd have to rearrange a few things but would certainly come to my aid . Perfect ! We are both quite punctual and everything went perfectly with his arriving about 10 : 25 AM and we laughed all of the way to the Scottsdale location . As we entered , there were about 5 girls behind the counter , all laughing and having a good time . They seemed shocked to have company and one asked if she could help me . I said , yes I 'm here for my dance lesson ! They all laughed and I told the young lady that offered to help I was there to see Dr . Palmer for my 11 AM appointment . Her face kind of dropped as she reluctantly told me it was his day off ! Then she told me I was probably confused and that Dr . Siemi is at the Bell Rd . office when I stopped her and explained in detail exactly how I know I 'm not confused and that I need to speak to the manager immediately ! ! ! The manager another youthful girl came out of hiding , listened to what the first girl had told her and left , not wanting to speak with me . I insisted that she get her . She came out and didn 't say a word . I pretty politely explained that I don 't really need Dr . Palmer , I can see whatever doctor is working today . She explained that Dr . Siemi will not accept anyone 's work except Dr . Palmer . That message is , that the other doctors aren 't any good , right ? I realized I had chosen the absolute wrong company to do business with and politely ( only because my son was there ) asked how much cataract surgery costs . She said she couldn 't tell me that . Then I ventured a low ball guess and said , $ 5000 , $ 10 , 000 ? That 's how much your company just lost today . . . Brad and I left and he didn 't even yell at me ! We were almost to Portillo 's for lunch when my phone rang and it was this youthful office manager calling and begging me to reconsider . Telling me of the great doctor that 's been with the company for 25 years . Posted by Several years ago , I was browsing along on Facebook when suddenly I caught the name of my little next door neighbor in a discussion . Although I referred to him as little , it was because I was 9 and he was 7 , just a little kid , right ? I learned that he had passed away many years ago and I joined the discussion to express my condolences . At some point I started a private conversation with a lady and quickly looked up her profile online . She was cute and we got to know one another . Our online relationship quickly moved to telephones and then to Facetime , where we spent many content hours just passing stories of past times . She told me she wanted to get out of the Chicago area for retirement and was considering several places . I 've always been gung ho Arizona since I moved here many years ago . I described the small town atmosphere when I first arrived in 1974 and how we only had one freeway in town , the I - 17 . The most amazing sunsets of anywhere in the world , the pleasant attitude of the people , seeing a horse and rider just walking down the street . In general , life the way it was meant to be . I described our cleaner environment . I describe how you could actually blow your nose and have it come out clear like water ! Months moved along and in October of 2015 Zelda finally moved here . We continued our communications , either seeing each other or speaking on Facetime at least 5 or 6 times a week . Last week we went to Portillo 's to enjoy their Italian beef sandwiches and the other patrons with their Chicago accents when suddenly Zelda blurted out , " Hey , you lied to me ! " Shocked I replied , " What ? " You told me that when I 'd blow my nose it would come out clear ! She was just outraged . I looked at her and replied , " Yours doesn 't ? " She said , " NO , " rather emphatically . I said , " Have you had it checked ? " A few years ago I got a call from my son Brad , asking if I 'd like to join he and Max , my grandson , at the Salt Cellar in Tempe for dinner . Sure , I replied , what 's the occasion ? Nothing special , he just wanted to expose Max to oysters , Brad 's favorite . Of course I wanted to go , anytime with my son and grandson is a good time . He picked me up and we took the 20 minute ride to the Salt Cellar . When we walked in the front door after descending the stairs , it instantly became dark , a night time setting and we approached the hostess desk . That 's when it happened ! The young girl looked past me and at my son and said , " How many ? " My mouth fell open when the realization came to me that I was no longer the head of the household , a job that I 'd held for many years and thought I did well ! I was suddenly an old man just along for the ride . As she lead us to our table and seated us , I didn 't say a word , but was reveling in my conclusion in somewhat of a shock . We made small talk , discussing the fact that you either loved of hated oysters . Personally , I was a hater ! Brad is a lover and thus far , Max didn 't know . As we waited to ordered it happened again ! The waiter approached , looked directly at my son and asked , " Ready to order ? " Well , it was now confirmed . I had unknowingly passed the baton to my son . Max made a horrible face when he tasted oysters , I ordered the Shrimp Scampi and duplicated Max 's face when offered an oyster . Brad had a steak and lots of oysters ! Life is either getting stranger or I 'm getting too old to keep up . Here is the latest of many fiascoes that just occurred . I declared today , " self improvement day " and made a dental appointment for a cleaning and then I thought of the little bump in my left ear lobe that has been bothering me for about 60 years . I was in the 5th grade when a classmate told me at lunch hour that he had a bump in his ear lobe and I searched mine and found I had the same thing . It 's never bothered me enough to do anything about it , but today being SELF IMPROVEMENT DAY , why not ? I called United Healthcare and the first doctor they gave me was a guy that I lived with his ex - wife for about a year . Probably not a good idea to see him under these circumstances , I could lose an ear , huh ? The next 2 were disconnected , so I asked the nice young lady to do my footwork and try some more for me . She starts telling me that I need a referral from my primary care physician and I explain that I 've never needed this in the past and she didn 't have an answer . By the way , she sounded about 18 years old . I decided this was a wild goose chase and begged off and hung up . While driving to run some errands , I got a call from a doctor 's office . I asked which doctor 's office she was calling from and she didn 't know , explaining there were 15 doctors that she worked for . I had to blow her off , as I was driving and she wanted my insurance ID number . An hour later I returned her call , but she said she couldn 't speak with me to schedule anything without a referral . What the . . . . . ? Now I call my Primary Care Physician who will from this point forward be referred to as PCP . A voice answered that frankly I could not identify as to gender . I told " it " I needed a referral from Dr . Taxin . " It " asked , had I seen Dr . Taxin before and I replied , yes . Then , did you see him for the reason you want a referral ? I knew if I answered no , he would tell me that I needed to make an appointment with him , for the issue . I replied , I think so . ( not good enough ) . " It " answered , if youI do need to ask one question . Who is paying for 2 appointments , because it 's not me . I have Medicare thankfully , so all of you and I are paying for this ridiculous system ! As I laid in bed last night trying to fall asleep , a thought entered my mind that immediately made me bust out laughing ! Kind of unusual for a man sleeping alone . I 'll try to pass that thought on to you . Do not try this at home ! The year was 1958 and I was 12 years old . My parents , not loaded with money , decided that in order for me to accomplish my Bar Mitzvah at age 13 , they 'd better send me to Hebrew school to at least learn the letters of the Hebrew language prior to that event , although it turned out not to be necessary . But it did expand my life to more than baseball , football and basketball , which were the grand total of my interests . I remember being older than all of the other kids in my beginners class which made it pretty uncomfortable for me , but minding my own business helped a lot . After class , we went out to a playground to wait for our respective rides home , either parents or a van that drove me , as my mother didn 't drive . Standing around waiting for my van to pick us up , I noticed a girl chatting with her friends and there was an immediate magnetism . My first attraction ! I didn 't know what it was , but I couldn 't take my eyes off of her and didn 't know why . Eventually I walked over and said , hello . Her name was Karen Feldman and I soon learned that her father was the president of the temples men 's club and remember a short stout man off in the distance that she pointed to . Aha , royalty ! I realized that I really liked Karen and waited for her after class daily . She was 10 and I was 12 , but she was very mature for her age . We exchanged telephone numbers and I made dates with her to meet her at the school on days when we didn 't have class , like Saturday afternoons and Sundays . We 'd go to Sam and Hy 's and split an order of fries and a chocolate phosphate and listen to the waitress that knew both of our families tease us . We were an item ! One Saturday afternoon we made a date to go to the movies in downtown Evanston and took the bus there . Karen brought her birth certificate along to prove her age of 10 years , so she could get into the movie for the child 's price of 25 cents to save me money . Being 12 , mine was 50 Cents . After , when I was taking her home , she gave me a kiss on my cheek and I literally floated all of the way home . After putting up with that long story , you are now entitled to the part that literally broke me up last night , when the thought passed through my aged mind . It was a late Saturday afternoon and it was summer . Karen and I were hanging out on the teeter - tauter , but we were weren 't using it the way it was designed to be used . We were laying on two of them , next to one another with our respective feet on the handles and laying backwards on them just chatting away . One of the things that 's cool to do when you 're 12 is to hock up a loogie from deep in your throat and spit it as far as you can . So I did precisely that , but I didn 't allow for the strong wind that was blowing rather aggressively towards us . This baby was a real winner , I mean huge ! I let her fly while lying back on the inclined board , when suddenly panic struck ! I let go of that loogie and realized it was coming right back down at me and likely to hit me right across my face ! It did ! ! ! I crashed to the ground , rubbing my face in the nearby grass with Karen asking me , what 's wrong ? Oh , nothing I said , just got something in my eye ! I don 't think I ever saw Karen again . It became fall and school began and I dropped out of Hebrew School to begin my Bar Mitzvah lessons . If you read my post about having a tooth extracted on 10 / 19 / 15 , let me explain the aftermath . Today is now 83 days later and . . . . . On 11 / 5 / 15 I went to the ER complaining of pain and the inability to open my mouth more than a 1 / 4 inch . They took a CT scan , charged my insurance company $ 4500 and told me to see a dentist , then referred me to a dentist in the ghetto . It felt like I 'd gone full circle . Next was a visit to my cardiologist and he was good enough , after our scheduled visit to walk me next door to a friend of his in dentistry . He talked to me and explained that my dentist may have hit a nerve with her multiple injections and who I needed was an oral surgeon that specialized in the jaw . My next attempt was to contact my insurance company to locate for me , an oral surgeon that knew about the human jaw . They personally contact a Dr . Mavadi , but the earliest appointment that I could get was 2 weeks into the future . I agreed to waiting that long and keep in mind that the appointment was made with me on the phone in a conference call . A lady friend said she wanted to go with me and I was all for that . Time went by slowly as it does when you are in pain , but the ER supplied me with 20 Percocet pills to assist in sleeping , being careful not to take too many realizing they are addictive . Eventually 12 / 15 came around and my friend came to pick me up . We drove to my appointment and the office was completely empty of patients . I approached the counter and introduced myself to the Hispanic girl behind and said , " Hi , I 'm Mel Fisher , your next victim . " She laughed and that was my ice breaker . I pulled out my insurance card and and her face fell , explaining that they don 't accept my insurance ! Flabbergasted and not knowing what to say , I ask her to check with her superior . Timidly the doctor came out , a short Middle Eastern woman and told the girl to call the insurance company . While the girl was double checking , the doctor explained that the only way she would see me was on a cash basis . The Hispanic girl returned fromUpon finally leaving , a million thoughts went through my head about what had just transpired when my lady friend , who we will call Karen , because that 's her name , explains that she needs a bowl of chicken soup with a matzo ball and to pull into Chompies . I do as she asks and we are seated shoulder to shoulder with all of the other dining people devouring corned beef sandwiches . That 's when Karen dicided to start screaming at me ! Although she probably thought she was keeping her voice down , the man next to us removed his hearing aid ! She was yelling at me , when you go to a doctor 's office you don 't make jokes ! You act like you 're in pain , that way the doctor will see you ! I determine all of this to be insane and try to determine why she 's really yelling , but at the same time I need to diffuse her . I simply look at her and ask if she thinks we 're married and smile ? That seemed to work , because my response confused her . I realized that she only knew how to express herself in a parent / child relationship and I refused to be the child ! She finally shut up and people stopped looking at us with the corner of their eyes . She asked me for the telephone number of the insurance company and began her salvation of my jaw and also trying to show me her power . At some point she was able to schedule an appointment but not for about 3 hours later . We ran her errands for that amount of time and arrived at the doctor 's office about 90 minutes early . Time dragged on , as we read magazines silently when suddenly a man enters wearing sweat pants . He 's an obese fellow and 5 ' 7 " with a huge belly and younger than me , but with skinny legs , I 'd guess about 60 . While he was schmoozing with the receptionist , his pants fell down and I couldn 't believe my eyes ! In almost 70 years , I 'd never seen that happen to anyone ! All I could do was gently nudge Karen with my elbow and watch her mouth fall open and whip out her iPhone ! Now I was embarrassed that she wanted to film the event . The funny thing was , the man was making no immediate attempt to piThe following day , Karen had asked me to drive her to the airport and was exceedingly rude to me for the entire morning , when I finally screaming at her in the car to SHUT THE FUCK UP ! She did and never said another word to me and thankfully didn 't call me for a ride to pick her up from the airport , which was good because I would have decline Back to flying solo , I called my irresponsible , United Health Care , but this time I asked for a supervisor . You would have thought that I 'd asked for a pint of blood . They ask what it is about . I explain , that what I want to talk to a supervisor about . Finally they attempt to connect me and get a voice mailbox . I leave a message and try again , no luck , Shanicia is not picking up . About 4 hours later , Shanicia returns my call and I explain my dilemma for about 30 minutes . she 's a good listener ( I think ) but when her return call comes , it 's from a subordinate and she 's schedule an appointment with an oral surgeon , finally . The appointment that I actually called and arranged was quite a distance and it turned out to be in a rather poor neighborhood and few of the people waiting used English as their first language . After waiting for about 30 minutes , I was called in and x - rayed and escorted to a dentist 's chair . In walks this dude that looks like he just came from the gym about 40 years old . I explain why I 'm there and he laughs . He puts his fingers in my mouth and tries to pry it opened . I 'm in pain , so I grab his arm and stop him . He laughs again and asks , how can you eat ? I immediately know I 'm in the wrong place again and tell him so . He says , he doesn 't know anything about the jaw , that what I need is an ENT surgeon and leaves . Disgusted and frustrated , I go home and call Shanicia and naturally get voicemail . I leave a message and then 2 more in the following days , but nothing . Now another 10 days go by as I get pisster and pisster and I leave a message that says I 'm giving her until the close of business tomorrow to return my call or I 'm going to go over her head to explaPosted by Over the years , not by choice mostly , I have found myself single and seeking members of the opposite sex for companionship . I 've belonged to Matchmaker , Plenty of Fish , Match . com , something called Seniors Meet for about 2 days and finally , Zoosk . I learned that most of the smaller dating services are owned and operated by Apple . After 2 days on Seniors Meet , I learned that the people that I was seeing belonged to other dating services and that Seniors Meet didn 't even have it 's own client base . On day 3 , they no longer recognized me as a customer and I was declined access , rejected by the site , so I contacted my bank and was credited my payment of about $ 75 back . Then I joined Zoosk and paid them about $ 85 for that membership . As a member , I discovered that it was only the beginning and they wanted MORE money to contact other members ! To write to a lady , you had to pay coins that were available only from Zoosk for 100 more dollars for 2000 of them . Slapping my forehead , I dialed the , now memorized , number of my bank to get me out of this . They explained that the dating service was owned by Apple and Apple would not contest any request for a refund , but would not allow me access to any other Apple sites . I agreed without question as Apple seemed pretty illegitimate at this point . I was happy to be off Zoosk , but suddenly I was no longer allowed to update my iPhone ! Holy crap , talk about holding a corporate grudge ! I contacted a friend in Chicago that worked for a company that had an IT person who knew an employee at Apple and told me to call her . I did and she reversed everything . I could now update my iPhone and was allowed FREE access to Zoosk ! HA ! So I was a member of Zoosk for 6 months for free , but as it turned out , this was not a good thing . I 've never experienced a more dishonest website in all of my years . I learned that you could earn " coins " by saying whether or not you liked a woman 's appearance and could accumulate 40 coins a day . I used these coins to write to contact perspective members and learned that they only charge the men . Women have a free ride . Zoosk also contacts me in the form of a text message or email , both , to tell me that so and so wants to chat . When you contact so and so , she knows nothing about it and acts accordingly . ( how embarrassing ) . Since it 's all free , I did my share of complaining to other members , but put up with it . Everyone I spoke with agreed with me , it was awful . My membership was over 1 / 1 / 16 and I worried the entire time that they would do an automatic renewal to my credit card even though I declined that option , which took a team of attorneys about 3 days to decipher how to do it . Now because there is a God and I wholeheartedly believe in him , about 2 weeks ago , my credit card was hacked and my bank stopped all charges to it and issued me a new card and number . Sure enough , 3 or 4 days ago , Zoosk contacted me and told me that there may be an interruption in my service because they cannot get an approval on my credit card . HOORAY ! ! ! Even though I had declined renewal , they still tried to hammer my card ! That phase of my life is over and I 'll be just fine on my own . |
Yohan licked his dry lips and sighed . Although he and Jessica have been friends for three years now , it suddenly wasn 't easy to say yes to her request . He 's not particularly busy on anything ; in fact , he could even stay at home all day doing nothing without being judged . However , many things trouble and sadden him , and he lost energy to do many things , especially hang out with someone who knew Jinwon , his closest friend . For the past few weeks , he had been drowning in a sea of desolation . He did not have many responsibilities and that slowly drove him crazy . His parents were currently somewhat in a financial crisis , and all they could send to college for now was his older sister . So at the moment college was far from his mind . The only thing that made him anxious was that he was required to enlist for the military this winter . He was happy with the fact that he was enlisted while nothing was particularly happening in his life and that he was still very youthful , but being physically weak made him little nervous . He may have a build that seemed firm and steady , but looks can deceive for he was not tough at all . He wanted to gain a bit more muscles before doing so but it 's hard to exercise when he has no energy to do anything at all . But at this time when nothing ever happens , what was he to do ? He has to use his time on something productive somehow . He felt so useless not being able to do anything at all . To add to that , after Jinwon woke up to the time that his family moved away , he became distant from the friend he loved so dearly - Jessica . Since she became Stephanie 's caretaker 24 / 7 and almost abandoned every feeling that didn 't relate to her , Yohan felt like he was thrown out of her life . There were times when he called her just like this afternoon to ward away the loneliness Jinwon left , but she was too engulfed in many other things . Many times he tried to understand her situation , but after she declined his request too many times , he felt like he was nothing to her anymore . He only needed at least a day to be with her but she never made time for him . Now the tables have turned and she was the one personally trying to make time for him . He had the urge to give into her again as he had always done because of his undeniable feelings for her since day one , but the hurt he had gone through was finally warning him . Through rejection , manipulation , and insincerity throughout their friendship , he didn 't know whether it was okay to let her win this time . It was wearing his heart out trying to grant everything she wanted . Even though he was finally needed for something , being needed was not what he wanted their friendship to be about , at least not anymore . Trying to convince himself that she 's harmful was not easy though . Every time he puts the phone down after making excuses , his heart burns up like hell more than all of the things she did to him combined . It just wasn 't like him to turn her down . He could never deny that although she was cold as ice and had amazing control over her feelings , her heart was timid and warm , and she was actually very affectionate towards those close to her . Even though she was sometimes careless of his feelings , he cannot brush off all the times she made him feel special . He cannot deny all the times they enjoyed being together , all the sweet nothings they said to each other , and all the affectionate touches they timidly drew to . They once indirectly confessed their feelings to each other and both wished they could be something more if only Jinwon and Stephanie 's relationship did not scare them . They were almost more than friends - and that 's why everything hurts even more . The moment he heard her call him John with a timid , trembling voice , his own stubbornness annoyed him . John was the English nickname Jessica had given to him and he loved hearing that name from her . She doesn 't always use it , but when she does , it was a name that carried so much affection . And whenever Jessica claims she misses someone , he knew she gravely missed them . He ended the call , grabbed his coat and planned to run to Jessica 's house as fast as he could . However , when he opened the door to his house , Haneul was there about to press the doorbell . She was flustered for a moment but her pretty face and almond - shaped eyes dazzled at the sight of him . It was as if she saw the sunshine for the first time . Haneul was a girl he met a few weeks ago at a nearby seven - eleven . He was purchasing a cup of Shin - Ramyun only to realize he as short in money . He told the cashier that he 'll run to his house and comeback to pay for it , but Haneul , who was waiting in line with the same cup of noodles , stopped him and paid for both of them . Flustered by what she did , Yohan conversed with her and they both ended up bonding over eating Shin - Ramyun . As they ate on the tables outside the store , Haneul told him she was just staying at her grandparent 's house , which was right beside his own house . They also discovered that they both didn 't want to go home at that moment because they both felt useless to their families . Being able to sympathize with each other , they drew close after that day . Since they were neighbors , it was easy to meet up and hang out . In less than a week , their hearts drew closer together , and their days grew brighter being together . Haneul is a very petite and quirky girl , carefree as a cloud , with her name meaning " sky . " With those captivating large eyes and a wide cheerful smile often plastered around her face , she was bound to be bit of an energy pill . And even though her jokes were awful , the corniness of it all made her even funnier . Everything she does made Yohan feel so alive . Without knowledge of Jinwon or any of his friends , nothing about her made him sad at all . It was as if the atmosphere of his life started fresh again . No more grieving and confusion - just Haneul as clear as the deep blue sky . Usually , a big smile naturally comes out every time he sees Haneul , but this time , only confusion and hesitancy painted his canvas . Suddenly he is in a crossroad he didn 't even know existed . Two girls suddenly wanted him at the same time . Who was he to choose ? Should he forget about Jessica and spend time again with his new friend , Haneul , who might possibly leave soon since she doesn 't exactly live here , or should he give in to the girl he has been in - love with for the past three years one last time ? " What 's wrong ? You seem a bit uneasy , " she said , taking out her hand from her orange cardigan 's pocket to touch his cheek . Whenever Yohan worried over something , Yohan would find comfort in her hand 's warmth , but apparently not today . He managed to grip her wrist before her fingers even touched his skin . Haneul was slightly taken aback by how swift and tight his grip was since Yohan had always been soft on her . Now he was just acting unusual . When he was about to bang on the door , it swung open . Surprised that someone was in front of her , Jessica looked up only to find that the boy standing right on her house was none other than the one who hung her up a literally minute ago . She didn 't expect him to be there , turning her heart to ice without a clue in the world what to do or say . She was only planning on having some fresh air since Yohan rejected her request but now look who 's here . Yohan quickly pulled her into his warmth and embraced her like there was no tomorrow . Seeing her after all these dark weeks was a breakthrough of relief . Now there was nothing he 'd rather question . He was now in her presence and he 'll stay on it for as long as he could . Jessica didn 't seem to share the same thought , though . She squeezed her arms between her and his chest and gently pushed him away . A ragged sigh escaped her lips as she tried to calm her beating heart . Did Yohan expect her to accept his warmth so easily after abandoning her on her loneliest times ? Did he think she 's an easy girl to obtain just because they 've been friends for a few years ? She does love him , but not like this when he 's hurt her unknowingly . " You come marching here and start hugging me after all this time ? Are you really sorry or what ? " Jessica angrily spat . Yohan was taken aback by her stubbornness and couldn 't really find any words to say . He thought they 'd be in good terms as long as he 's finally come over , but seeing as she 's not smiling , he must 've come too late . He chose not to talk back for now , trying to understand Jessica 's sensitive temper . " Where were you ? " Jessica breathed out . She was about to cry but she didn 't let her tears fall - not in front of Yohan . " I 've tried to call you so many times , pleaded for you to come , and all you always say is you can 't ? You didn 't even give me reasons ! I could 've gone along with any silly excuse but you just kept on leaving me questioning our friendship . " I 'm sorry ' ? " Jessica scoffed . " Do you know how painful it was to keep on waiting for you ? Jinwon left , Fany left , and all of my other friends have given me space because they think that 's what I want . But you know me more than anyone else - even more than Fany sometimes do - and that I need someone like you . Why did you never come to see me ? I was having such a hard time but you never bothered to care how I was holding up after Jinwon and Stephanie went away . " Yohan suddenly raised his voice , feeling hurt that Jessica thinks she was the only one who suffered . " You think you 're the only one having a hard time ? You 're talking as if Jinwon and Stephanie weren 't my friends too . Don 't you realize that I 've felt all of those things you said even before you did ? I was so depressed I couldn 't even look at Hyungsoo since I 'm always reminded of Jinwon when I 'm with him . In the end , you were the only friend I hoped I could go to , so I kept on asking and waiting for you , but it 's like I was nothing to you . Now , you 're suddenly so desperate for me ? Do you really just run to me when you need me ? Back then I always ran to you without delay , but when I finally needed you , you didn 't do the same . I tried calling for you on the first months after Jinwon got into a coma , right ? But what ? You basically made Fany your first priority as if she 's the only one who was affected . " " Stephanie was pregnant with Jinwon 's child ! " Jessica tried to argue . " How else would I act ? Should I have just left her when she needed me the most or did you want me to go ahead and be there for you instead because you 're crying about not being able to spend any more time with Jinwon ? " " That 's not what I meant , " Yohan pouted . " I get that you care for Fany . If I was in your place , I would 've done the same . But if anything , you could 've made time to meet me at least once or twice a week . Not knowing what the future holds makes it hard to live . It 's becoming more painful day by day , but being with you could 've healed all that pain . You know that . " " Well then I should 've just written it down on my schedule to satisfy your aching little heart , " Jessica scoffed . " At least you don 't have much problems of your own but a simple heartache . I on the other hand have to watch out for Jinwon and Fany , and make sure that both of them will never cross paths ever again until they 're ready . I also have to watch out for Fany 's child and support them with all that I 've got - " " Since when did you decide that you 'd be their guardian angel ? " Yohan interrupted . " Fany is with her family now . Why are you worrying too much about her ? You 're not the child 's parent or grandparent . You 're not entitled to protect her and her child . " " And neither am I entitled to care about you , " Jessica said carelessly without meaning it . She immediately regretted saying them knowing how harsh those words sounded coming from her . She turned her back and gripped on the door knob , having the urge to shut the door but can 't . If she slammed the door on his face , it would only be the end of their friendship … well , as if it 's not already ending . " So this is what we are - friends who don 't care , " Yohan said , making Jessica bite her lip . The tears were already falling , but she tried wiping it every time it dropped . How could she face him crying after all that tough façade ? " You 're really cruel , you know that . I thought we were in - love . You confessed once and I did too . I thought the only reason holding us back from being more than friends is the fear of ending up just like Jinwon and Stephanie , but I guess it 's more than that . Nothing is ever clear between us and your heart is always on someone else . Everything is always on bad timing . Maybe we 're both just not right for each other . " " Please don 't say that , " Jessica swiftly turned around . " I - I don 't want to lose you and I 'm sorry for not caring about you enough . I didn 't mean what I - " " Are you trying to save yourself ? " Yohan interrupted . He sighed and said , " How many times must I give into you ? Don 't you realize how tired I am trying to let you win ? You already won getting me here , but it 's like you didn 't even want to see me . " Jessica 's head dropped and her whole body stood there without knowing how to respond . All her efforts on trying to build this broken house were useless now . They 're both in the rubbles . It 's too late and it 's all her fault . When Yohan tried to walk away , Jessica grabbed his wrist in a panic . " Can 't we at least stay friends ? I 've lost so many people . I don 't want to lose you , too . " Yohan didn 't want to lose her , too . He wanted to hold her more than ever , but all of the pride that took over them held him back from doing so . He tried his hardest not to look at her fearing that he 'd see stories in her eyes , stories that would make him sit down to listen - stories that would make him stay forever . He gently pried away her hand and said , " I loved you , and you hurt me . " Jessica zoned out for a moment trying to process what just happened . When reality finally took its toll on her , she fell on the couch and started to cry . Her nose swelled up and her eyes overflowed with tears . Another part of her body has been chipped away from her . Just how many more bruises did she need to have before going to college ? She didn 't know whether she could take any more . And sure , she 'll have some new friends in America , but it was no lie that Yohan will be one friend she 'll never forget . Strangers . That 's one thing she feared a lot in her life , especially strangers who were once close friends . She wanted to stay friends with Yohan . She didn 't want the both of them to end in bad terms , yet what happened now ? The man who made her heart thump , the man who made her believe that friends were much more precious than diamonds , and the man that made her cry because of a masked farewell … After a few minutes , there was a knock on the door . Was it Yohan ? Did he come back ? She wiped her tears away as fast as she could and opened the door . It was Hyungsoo . " H - hey … It 's been a while . Wanna hang out for a bit ? I feel kind of lone … ly , " Hyungsoo seemed rather shy to say his request but trailed off noticing Jessica 's puffy eyes and red nose . She had obviously been crying . It was a once in a lifetime event Hyungsoo thought he would never see . " Woah , what happened ? Are you okay ? " Jessica bursts into tears and hugged Hyungsoo tightly . Hyungsoo didn 't know what was going on but hugged her back anyway . It was the first time he has ever seen her messed up . " What ? What are you talking about ? I just asked you to hang out right now so why would I leave ? Where 'd you think I 'd go ? I have nowhere to go … " When Yohan hung his coat on the coat rack and took off his shoes so that his feet would glide through the warm , heated floors , he noticed guests were here by the number of shoes in the shoe rack . He walked to the living room only to find Haneul 's aunt and uncle sitting on the couch chatting with his parents . Haneul was sitting on one of the chairs and waved at him to which he joyfully waved back . " Future ? What is this about ? Marriage ? " he thought . Caught up in the " break - up " a while ago with Jessica , his mind flooded with topics of love . Now the idea of marriage popped up in his head - marriage plans with Haneul . He was too young to make the ultimate tie with a girl he barely met just a few weeks ago . He still had a lot of things he wanted to do before he gets married . Marriage should be the least of his problems right now . " Since I know you 're not as manly as you should be , " his father sighed and Yohan clicked his teeth at his father 's remark . " How about joining the Goo family back to their farm and help out ? It 'd be a good thing to build a few muscles before you join the army . " " Um … me ? " Yohan pointed to himself in confusion . Even though he was relieved that marriage was out of the picture , he was still baffled at the opportunity . " Isn 't this a bit too soon ? " " You 're eighteen , " his mother said . " It 's not too soon . You 've been living a laid back life . You don 't have much responsibility these days . You need to start doing something about your life . Honestly , we have been discussing about this with them for some time now . " " Besides , we need some able young men around to work the fields , " Haneul 's uncle said . " One of the most hardworking elders just died and we need someone who can work just as hard yet fresh without emotional ties with the man . The old folks there are still grieving about him so work is hardly getting done quicker . " " Grow up , kid . It will be a nice experience . At least we 're not pressuring you into hurrying up to go to the army . Whenever you 're ready , son . Just don 't take too long . " " And we don 't hire just because someone we know is able , " Haneul 's aunt said . " The folks back there are very picky when it comes to the workers . If they don 't know your background , they might not even welcome you there . " " Alright … I guess that 's fine . As long as you stay beside me , I think I 'll be alright , " Yohan said , making Hara chuckle . " I 'll take it . " " Now , go pack up , " Yohan 's father said . " You 're leaving next thing in the afternoon tomorrow . It may be too soon but hey , you can always give us a call . " " Wait , what ? Tomorrow ? I 'm leaving that soon ? " That only meant there is one more day to spend before he could say goodbye to Jessica … maybe no time to do that at all . " I can help you pack , " Haneul said . Yohan stared into her eyes and wondered if he should make any more fuss about this . The only reason holding him back was Jessica . He didn 't know if he could just leave her without an urgent discussion of what happened earlier . " Wow , you sound awfully grumpy , " Hyungsoo scoffed . " Can 't I be here ? We haven 't hung out in a while . Aren 't you at least a bit happy to see me ? " " What ? Why ? When ? " Hyungsoo didn 't want him to leave . Just like anyone else in their small little band that was left , he didn 't want any more to go away . And though he may have had this weird love - hate relationship with Yohan back in the day , he sure can 't deny that Yohan was the only friend that could understand him . He still had a lot of friends around but Yohan was different . Yohan was like a brother - a brother who was his competition and rival . He can 't really do without him , because without him , life would be duller than it already was . It would be like Red without Blue in the Pokémon games . Boring , right ? Hyungsoo wanted to protest and make him stay , but he didn 't want to sound as if he wanted him around . " How about Jessica ? She seemed pretty heartbroken yesterday night . I 'm assuming you 're the one who made her like that . " " Woah , hey , she didn 't tell me anything , dude , " Hyungsoo said . " She just mentioned your name and that was it . I didn 't really push her on anything . She didn 't want to tell me what happened anyway . " " But it 's just a photo of Sica . Why would you need it ? You claimed you didn 't need it three times , man . That 's like Peter denying Jesus . I guess this photo is now mine . " " What ! ? No , give it back ! " Yohan stomped towards Hyungsoo and tried to reach for his hand . Hyungsoo stood up and held up the photo high enough so Yohan won 't be able to reach it . " It 's not for me , but for Sica . Promise me you 'll say sorry to her someday . I hate seeing her cry . I don 't even think I 've ever seen her cry ever at all until yesterday , and she was crying a waterfall , man . " " Cry ? When did she … , " Yohan fell on his bed as he realized what SooYoung was doing . He felt extremely bad to know that he made Jessica cry . He didn 't see her cry yesterday , but he should 've expected it to happen . " It 's a favor I 'm asking you Hyungsoo . I still love her and all that , but I think there 's no hope for us . I don 't know when I 'll be back or when I 'll ever see her again . " Hyungsoo avoided his gaze and scratched his head awkwardly . He didn 't really want to accept reality this quickly . He was still eighteen years old . Technically , that 's still considered a " teenager , " right ? He definitely didn 't want to fast forward the time and " grow up . " He still wanted to hang out with the same friends and laugh like there were no problems in the world . He still simply didn 't want to " move on " with life . Oh well , he can 't really do anything to stop time from ticking away , can he ? Afternoon came and it was time to go . He said his farewell to his parents and hopped into the Goo 's hatchback . Though it should be an exciting day as Haneul was right there beside him , his mind kept drifting off to Jessica , wishing he had woken up a little early and snuck out of the house to slip a note on Jessica 's doorstep . Regrets … how he wished he didn 't raise his voice when sensitive Sica was obviously on . Oh how he wished he just kissed her yesterday under the dimming sky of 6 PM . Maybe it would 've caused less drama . Of course ! It made sense now . Farm , pregnant woman who lost her baby 's father at an accident - yes , the Heavens have appointed to him an important job . He told Hara everything , from what relations he had with Stephanie and what had happened to her ( but he did say Jinwon really died to keep Haneul from asking more ) . He was so thankful that he had accepted this job . Taking care of Stephanie was a very serious matter . On the ride , he also told her about the painful and dark times he had been through and how everybody started leaving . He even mentioned Jessica and their fight yesterday . Haneul understood him and compassionately tried to comfort him in any way she can . However , even after letting all his troubles out , the thought of Jessica still lingered deep within his heart . He wanted to forget her but it was nearly impossible to do so . It was like tearing off a poisoned limb . He had to cut it off but he sure knew it will hurt as hell . What do I write ? Family , romance , angst , and mystery are the stories I go for . In my stories , I battle through vehement emotions , try to heal scars , and put into words the reality before us . Most of the stories I write are fan - fictions of Girls ' Generation and other musicians in the K - Pop industry , but my stance is not merely to please the OTPs . I desire so much more than just sexual dealings , pursuit of happiness , and fulfillment of one 's desires . |
" Scarlett ! Open the door ! " David Bradford shouted through the door , this time loud enough to attract attention from the old lady waiting for the elevator . This was not how he had planned to spend this morning , but he 'd been trying to reach Scarlett for several days and nothing . Not that it was unusual . Like most of his clients , Scarlett was a free spirit and would often just go off the grid for days or weeks at a time . Of course , unlike most of his clients , Scarlett was a loose cannon . Behind the door , it was just as likely that she would be lying in a pool of her own vomit having overdosed on pills as it was that she was standing in front of a canvas with her iPod blasting in her ears . David smirked , bending down and retrieving the key . When he pushed it into the doorknob and opened the door , there was a discouraging silence . He peered inside a little , but the chain was still latched . He had to push his shoulder against it a few times to break the chain lock and heave it open . " Goddamnit , Scarlett . Gay boys shouldn 't have to break into women 's apartments , " he called into the room . No response . He could smell the scent of alcohol all over the ruined apartment . Empty wine bottles , newspapers , books and food dishes were strewn everywhere and the air was thick . David shook his head , stepping carefully around the debris as he made his way into the living area . Stacks of canvases , some painted , some still white , blocked the windows making it dark in the room despite the early morning sun . Her obsession was evident everywhere . She was surrendering to her own madness , it seemed . The dark angel , staring down at the world below . Even if he wasn 't the subject , he was always there . The paintings had grown in scale and twisted beauty in the last couple of months . And though they were like nothing he 'd ever seen , David began to fear that the art world would be disturbed by them . And that meant that she would be written off as a kook and never sell another piece . Not while she was alive , at least . He walked around the couch and saw Scarlett lying on the floor at the foot of an unfinished canvas . " Scarlett ! " he exclaimed , rushing around the clutter to kneel beside her . He touched her face , feeling that it was still warm and seeing the gentle rise and fall of her chest calmed him somewhat . " Scarlett , honey , wake up , " he sighed , hooking his arms under hers and trying to pull her to a sitting position . " Leave me … " she slurred , her head lolling to one side as David propped her against the front of the couch . Her eyes opened and focused on him briefly and he could see that her pupils were shrunken and unresponsive . " David … " she said before closing her eyes again . He slapped her lightly on each cheek , trying to get her awake enough to stand on her own , but she only groaned . He sighed again , pulling her into his arms and lifting her body . " Bitch , if you puke on this suit … " he murmured . Sadly , this was not uncommon in his dealings with Scarlett . Carrying her through a maze of wine bottles , he finally made it to the bathroom . Setting her down in the large porcelain tub , he turned the shower on , letting the cool water rain down on her , uncaring that she was still fully clothed . When she got like this it was the only thing that would work . With a heavy sigh he sat down beside the tub . He could only hope that the cold water from the shower would bring her around and he wouldn 't have to resort to the emergency room . Scarlett Munro was an up and coming artist - the last thing he needed right now was her unconscious face slapped on newsprint . " Jimi Hendrix said that too , I think , " David mused , putting a hand on her arm to pull her forward a bit . " Come on . Let 's get you out of these clothes and wash you off a little bit . You look like hell . " Scarlett stared at him , her eyes still bleary with the after - effects of her latest bender . He pulled his suit jacket from around his shoulders and threw it over the toilet . " Don 't look at me like that . It 's ok . I 'm gay , " he said as he rolled up his sleeves . After a few moments , she allowed him to help her out of the soaked tee - shirt and jeans . David knelt by the tub , using a washcloth to rinse warm water over her body , washing it clean of what was at least a few days ' worth of stink . Scarlett was silent , letting her friend cleanse her as the effects of the alcohol and pills slipped from her brain , leaving only a dull ache behind . " How long was I out ? " " No idea , darling . But I 've been trying to reach you for three days . " Leaning over her , he pulled the shower nozzle down and began running warm water over her hair . " When your voicemail box was full , I decided I 'd better come check on you . " He nudged her shoulder , pushing her forward and scrubbing her shoulders and neck with the loofah . " So when were you planning on stopping this ? " " Doing this to yourself . I mean , I get the whole ' I must suffer for my art , ' bullshit , but honey this is a bit extreme . Even for you . One of these days you aren 't going to wake up from this . " " Don 't talk like that , " David said , picking up her hand and holding it in his . He tried to smile , but he caught sight of something strange . Thin streaks of red snaked over the top of her thigh . Some of the scars were fresher than others and some were quite deep . When Scarlett noticed him looking , she pulled away , trying to hide . " What happened ? " " The hell you don 't , " he said angrily . " You 've been cutting yourself too , huh ? Is this something new in your repertoire of self - destruction or is this just the first time I 've seen it ? " " Look , David … you 're my agent . I don 't see why you even care , " she sighed , pulling away and standing up . " It 's my body . I 'll do whatever I damn well want . " As she stepped over the side of the tub , she stumbled , nearly falling to the tile floor before David caught her . " I hate being like this . " She looked up at him , her eyes glistening with tears . " You think I like feeling this way ? " Suddenly her façade of stoic indifference melted and the tears tumbled over her cheeks . David embraced her tightly , letting her cry against his shoulder . She had cried many times . It seemed to be a symptom of her addiction , but never had she felt so cold . " Alright , sweetie , " he said , pulling a towel down off of the rack and wrapping it around her . David walked her clumsily into the next room , sitting down beside her on the bed and holding her tightly against him as her sobs came in shaking heaves . He rocked her back and forth , letting her tears wet the light cotton of his shirt . " No , " she barked , sitting up quickly and backing away , wiping her tears with the back of her hand . " They can 't help me . Nothing will help me . " He stared down at her silently , his heart feeling heavy and sore . Scarlett obviously believed that she was just a damaged person and that nothing would ever make her right again . Her art , which had always seemed to work as some kind of salve for her mind , had become dark , reflecting the storm of unstable emotions going on in her head . He just didn 't know what to say to her anymore . David had been Scarlett 's friend when she was still scribbling graffiti on the sides of buildings . It was rare that she ever opened up about her childhood traumas . A few details here and there about a drunken mother and a handsy stepfather were as far as she ever went . He 'd always been able to talk her down from the ledge but these days it was getting harder and harder . Worse yet , lately her behavior had become erratic . At first he 'd just assumed that she was high , and being an art agent , he was used to dealing with cokeheads , meth - addicts and junkies , but this was very different . Her actions were self - destructive and near - suicidal . As if she were just waiting for someone to show up and save her . " Anyway . I guess I was looking for an escape . Maybe I wanted to die . Whatever it was , I had been drinking wine laced with morphine or something and then some guy gave me a syringe full of heroin . " Scarlett pulled the towel tight around her body as she lay down across the bed . " It was first and last time I ever shot up . Have you ever done it , David ? " She smiled . " At first it feels so good . Like you 'll never be sad or hurt again . God , I remember that feeling . I was floating , a spirit looking down on my physical body . I didn 't want to go back , I just wanted to stay there . Floating high above and watching . The world was just this beautiful thing , all colors and wonder and light . And then I saw him . This form appeared , shadow and smoke in front of me . At first I thought it was just a hallucination or a dream . There was a man kind of just … floating in the air above me . At least , I thought he was a man . He had these wings … God I know it sounds crazy , but he had these wings that just furled out behind him , kind of ghost - like . He was all dressed in black , even his blonde hair seemed completely devoid of color , but his eyes . His eyes had this silvery light . I thought he probably just knew everything about me in that split second that our eyes met . And I felt so sad that he was seeing me this way , this broken little girl , and I wanted to cry and beg his forgiveness . But he looked at me and sort of smiled and I knew then he was an angel . " " He kissed me . And then he was gone . Next thing I remember I was waking up in a hospital bed . My mom was standing over me crying . I didn 't even care , I just kept looking for the angel . Praying he hadn 't been a dream . Of course , he wasn 't , but I kept waiting . Peeking around corners , staring at the ceiling at night . I thought that maybe after seeing what I 'd done , he 'd just decided not to bother . So I tried to make up for it . I thought that maybe if I was a better person that the angel would come back . He 'd save me this time . I quit using , I actually went to school , I tried to play the part of the perfect daughter . Hell , my pervert of a stepdad even left us . And for a while everything was better and I just knew my prayers had been answered . But my mother went back to the bottle . My stepfather came back and was the worst he 'd ever been . So then I thought , maybe if I was bad , really bad and put myself in situations like before , that he 'd come back . I mean , that 's how he came before , right ? " She paused and pulled the blanket over her shoulder , snuggling against the pillow sleepily . " But he never did . " " Maybe you need to , " David sighed , standing up with an exasperated sigh . " If you 've got a guardian angel that 's standing by and watching you kill yourself with drugs , booze and cutting , then he 's not a very good one . " Scarlett rolled over , turning her back on David and the conversation . Spying her cell phone sitting on the nightstand , he grabbed it and programmed an alarm . " Look , I 'm setting your alarm to wake you up in a few hours . I 've been trying to get in touch with you for the last three days to tell you that I 've found a rather unusual patron . Assuming my continued procrastination at setting up a meeting hasn 't scared him away . " Scarlett leaped out of bed , nearly losing her towel in a comic fashion . " Raze Constantine is probably the richest guy in Europe , nay the entire world ! What in hell does he want with me ? " " I would think he wants you to do some kind of painting for him . All I know is that he tracked me down and called me personally to find you . His exact words were , ' Miss Munro or no one ' . " David went into his breast pocket and pulled out a plane ticket . " He also sent this for you . " Scarlett jerked it out of his hand and examined it carefully . David braced himself for the exclamation that was surely coming . " I can 't possibly go to … " She paused , looking for the destination on the ticket . " Does this say London ? As in London , England ? Like … in Europe ? " " That 's the one . " David wandered over to the closet and began pulling things out . He pulled out a dark sweater and threw it aside , wrinkling his nose . " Everything in your closet is so dark . You need some color . " " Why not ? It 's not as if you have some pressing engagement . You 're an artist for God 's sake . " He pulled a suitcase out of her closet and began tossing things into it carelessly . " Well … I 'm … " She stammered . " I just don 't think I 'm up for this , David . " He turned to see her reach for a small pill bottle on her nightstand . " And I 'm in the middle of a project right now . You know I don 't like to stop in the middle of a painting . " With a lunge , he knocked the bottle from her hand , scattering tiny white pills over the hardwood floor beneath her bed . " You don 't like to stop when you 're in the middle of a bender , " David snapped . " I 'm your friend , Scarlett , but I 'm also your agent . And if you keep going on like this you won 't sell anymore paintings … " " I 'm saying that if you don 't get your ass on that plane this afternoon and leave all this … " He indicated the mess in which they currently stood . " I just can 't represent you anymore , Scarlett . It 's too much of a risk . " " I can assure you that I 'm quite serious , love . " He picked up the wastebasket in the corner of the room and swept the amateur pharmacy off of her nightstand into it . She followed him around the apartment , watching him pitch pill boxes , wine and liquor bottles into the trash . " I know . By my watch you have about four hours to get packed and to the airport . Do something with your hair . You look like hell . Oh … " He reached into his pocket again and found a slip of paper with the address of a hotel in London . " I 've already made your reservation and paid in advance . Just go in and tell them your name . " " I 'm afraid I can 't go on such short notice . I do have other clients . " He bent down and continued picking up trash , holding it carefully between two fingertips as if it were a disgusting bug . " I don 't have time to go running off to London playing nursemaid to you . " David looked at her with a comic twist of his lip . " It 's my lot in life . I 'll be back in a few hours to take you to the airport , " he said , making his way to the door with his load of garbage . The Phoenix Rising series is a supernatural spy thriller with a romantic thread . It follows the adventures of Macijah " Cage " St . John and his plucky partner and librarian , Phoebe Addison . Think James Bond meets Romancing the Stone … with vampires and zombies . I 've always been a lover of spy novels and movies . I think the first movie I was ever just crazy about was A View to a Kill , the quintessential 80s Bond film ( Fun fact : Cage St . John is named after Bond 's alias in that movie - James St . John Smythe ! ) . So I 've always wanted to write a book that had an Ian Fleming , espionage - y feel to it . The only problem is , you have to know stuff to make it authentic . And trust me , anyone who has ever met me knows that I 'm not cut out to be a spy . I 'm loud , clumsy , and I giggle too easily when I lie . So needless to say I had to do some research . And boy was it interesting . Both for me and The Powers That Be watching my internet usage at work . So here are some sites I found … Wikipedia is always good for a few hours of procrastination . You can follow links there forever . BUT , make sure you check them out before taking their words as gospel . Use those footnotes ! ! Your source for all things James Bond . This site is just fun if you 're a fan of the Bond universe . Plus it has links to great source material . Spywriter : http : / / www . spywriter . com / terms . html These are just a few of the sites and articles online that I used ( we won 't even talk about all the stuff about different types of guns and the physics of firing a bullet ) , but there are tons . So even if you aren 't a writer , you can sound really cool on your next date … CLICK to PREORDER ! Following a brutal act of vengeance , MI : 6 agent Macijah St . John is left grieving for his slaughtered family and agrees to participate in a secret government experiment that gives him a magnificent and terrible power . Now he 's a mercenary spy that solves problems for the right price . His latest job puts him in the path of the greatest catastrophe yet - a librarian . Phoebe Addison 's life is a disaster . Crippling debt , a non - existent social life , and being the town librarian is hardly the glamorous existence she 'd always dreamed of . But when her sister Jessica , an interplanetary archeologist , gets herself involved with a psychotic billionaire bent on world domination , Phoe is about to get more excitement than she bargained for . In the process of trying to be better about my blog , I 've decided to start a serial novel that is exclusive to the blog . Just for you , my faithful readers . I hope it 's as entertaining for you guys to read as it is for me writing it . Now , fair warning - this is NOT , I repeat , NOT a final draft . At some point in the future , I 'll be doing a full edit and collecting it into a single volume for publication . But I hope it will be fun for you anyway ! I was first visited by the angel shortly after my twenty - first birthday . At first I 'd thought he was just a wisp of my cigarette smoke , swirling through the room like the rest of the phantoms that haunted me in the alcohol haze . Once a princess , then spoiled and fallen , I had given up on living so young . Drowning my guilt and sorrow in a bottle of wine before the first twinges of puberty . He came closer and his ethereal body lacked substance . I reached out to touch him , but he faded . Only the cool breath of wind left in his wake , but the silhouette of his iron colored eyes remained . Every time I closed my eyes they were there until I began to believe in his reality . I rose from the couch , frantic as I looked around , wanting to see him again . " The man , " was all I could muster , pointing into the darkness . There was nothing there of course . Only a dingy little room littered with trash and human wreckage . We were all young and soulless , taking in reefer , opium , cocaine - anything that made us feel alive . Poor little rich kids , desperately afraid of not being misunderstood , we took comfort in our emptiness . " Jace , that 's your name , right ? " I slurred , watching him with detached indifference when he stood over me disrobing . His skin was pale , his frame so thin and frail . " You 're pretty , " I chuckled . " Yeah , " he grunted , pushing his jeans down , his erect penis popping out and pointing at me like an icepick . When I saw it I laughed . I couldn 't help it . I had never seen one up close before and it seemed to be this strange being with a consciousness of its own . When I saw his face melt with humiliation , it only made me laugh harder . " See something funny ? " he said , his voice crackling with feigned severity . His expression softened and he climbed into the messy bed on which I lay . It was little more than a mattress on the floor , stained and tattered with a few blankets and pillows tossed on top . His curly hair was dark and messy , falling over his beady eyes . He thought it made him look mysterious , but it was really just to hide the beaky nose in the middle of his face . " Just relax , baby , " he said . " Let 's get you out of these clothes . " I started to hesitate , shaking my head , dazzled by the way the lights seemed to shiver with every movement . And then he showed me the syringe . My eyes locked on it , wanting the anesthetic relaxation . " But don 't you want to try some of this ? " Jace held it up in front of me , just out of reach so that I had to sit up , crawling towards him as he beckoned me forward . Just as I reached him , he put his arm around my waist , pulling me into him . I could feel his cock , hard between my legs when he kissed me . But all I wanted was the blissful retreat he held poised between his fingertips . His tongue sneaked between my lips , probing clumsily . He tasted of beer and weed . I wrinkled my nose , pulling back a bit . " How about we try some of that , " I whispered . He smiled and obliged me , pulling my arm straight and tapping the vein with his fingertips . My heart beat fast in my chest . I had never done anything so hardcore and I was almost afraid , but at the same time fascinated . I turned my eyes away as he slipped the needle under my skin . At first it was cold , then hot . So hot it burned as the drug rushed through my veins , leaving a numb sort of bliss in its wake . I sighed , relaxing against Jace . My body was limp as he undressed me , his grin fading in and out . The cold air rushed in as my body was exposed , the nipples that capped each breast bristling and swelling uncomfortably . As I watched him , he moved in slow motion , his hands running over the sharp angles of my ribcage . I closed my eyes , feeling disconnected from my body and hovering just above . I just lay there , completely unaware , until I saw him again . The iron eyes of the angel seemed to materialize before me , just out of Jace 's line of vision . I picked my head up , willing my eyes to focus . " Do you see him ? " I whispered , pointing over his shoulder and shifting out of his grasp . The angel materialized , perched on an empty shelf behind Jace , his body formed in a shimmer of smoke from the cigarette poised between his fingertips . I squinted , not believing what I was seeing . He didn 't look like any angel I 'd ever seen before . Not that I 'd seen all that many , but I was pretty sure none of them wore black denim and leather . He stared at me with a bit of indifference and then looked away , taking another draw on his cigarette and blowing the smoke in a smoke ring that circled around his skeletal wings . The angel offered a smug grin and flicked the dying ember to the floor where both the flame and his form disappeared . " He was there … " I whispered , the drugs working themselves through my system and pulling me farther into their blurry embrace . " Just relax , girl … nobody 's around to see , " Jace said . I could feel his hands everywhere , sliding over my thighs and dipping between them to grope sloppily at my sex . Poor thing . He was trying to arouse me , but I barely even felt him . My body could only respond to the random flashes of light and sensation that managed to break through the fog . " Goddamn , girl . You feel good . " His voice sounded so far away . I was drifting further into darkness , feeling my body slipping away faster and faster . Oddly enough I didn 't care . I was floating high above , looking down . Maybe if I flew high enough I could touch the dark angel . I hovered there , for how long I couldn 't fathom , until I heard Jace 's voice again . He was screaming . I looked down and he was crouched over me . He pulled my body to a sitting position , shaking me and slapping at my face . " Wake up , Scarlett ! " he shouted , still sounding so small . His voice tickled lightly at my ear , but I paid it no mind . I was becoming intoxicated with the freedom that had suddenly been thrust upon me . " Turn back . " A low voice caressed my senses and I knew it was him . The dark angel from my hallucination . Only he wasn 't a hallucination . He couldn 't be . Now as I lay there on the edge of consciousness I could feel the warm humidity of his breath on my neck . I reached out for him , but my arms were so heavy . I blinked my eyes slowly and saw Jace run from the room . He screamed for help , but he would be too late . My life was slipping from my veins . In another moment it would be gone . I closed my eyes , floundering between consciousness and oblivion . I could hear my heart beating , the slow cadence beginning to fade along with the shallow breath that pushed out of my lungs . I couldn 't breathe , but I chose not to fight . I wanted to die . Death would be a sweet release from all the pain of living . " Open your eyes , " the angel commanded , his voice sharp , almost angry . I struggled to open them , staring sightlessly into amber pools of fire . " I will not take you , " he whispered , then covered my mouth with his own . I could feel his lips , powerful but gentle , moving against mine , teasing them open with gentle sweeps of his tongue . I resisted , but he was relentless and finally I felt his fingers grip my jaw , holding my mouth open as he breathed into me . My soul began to descend , floating back to my body with a dizzying rush . I gasped , my lungs swelling with the precious life force , given back to me by the angel . My heart began to pound , beating so hard in my chest that I wanted to cry with the dull ache . " Stay with me , " he beckoned , holding me close for another moment . And then he was gone . I nearly died that night , just after my twenty - first birthday . No doctor could explain how an overdose of morphine and heroin had just disappeared from my blood . They wrote it off as a seizure , watched me overnight and sent me back to the atrocity that was my reality . See y ' all , I am doing better on this blog post thing ! I am trying to be a better hostess . The topic today is about free stuff . We all love free stuff , right ? I mean , who doesn 't like getting something for nothing ? And I don 't mind giving stuff away . For example , all of my work with Little Red Hen Romance is available on Kindle Unlimited for free . We also do a lot of free promotions on those books too . It 's good way to thank your readers and entice new ones . This month , I decided to try something new with Instafreebie . I 'm trying to grow my newsletter to keep all you Belles informed about my new releases plus keep you up to date on appearances , what I 'm reading , and all sorts of other shenanigans . The newsletter is called The Hell 's Belles and it comes out at the beginning of each month . In every issue , I 'll feature news , my recommendations in " What Is Lexx Reading ? , " writing tips , and hopefully share some questions and answers from all of YOU ! I 'd also like to feature some free reads that you can download straight to your device to help you escape on your lunch breaks and commutes . So if you 'd like to sign up , just follow this link : https : / / www . instafreebie . com / free / bfwiS It will take you to the sign - up page where you can get on my mailing list AND it will give you a copy of my erotic short , " Unmasked " in whatever format you like ( pdf , mobi , epub ) . So what have you got to lose ? I promise your info won 't be sold and you won 't be bombarded with " buy my shit " messages in your inbox every day . ICYMI , this winter I became part of the # BoroughsPublishingGroup family ! After so many years of trying desperately to find a home for my paranormal espionage series , Phoenix Rising , the folks at Boroughs decided to give it a chance ! I 'm oh - so - excited for you guys to meet shapeshifting superspy Cage St . John and his partner and librarian Phoebe Addison . This book is a cross - genre adventure that combines elements of romance , suspense , espionage , and the paranormal . I 've described it as James Bond meets Romancing the Stone … with vampires . And zombies . And dragons . You just have to read it to believe it ! Following a brutal act of vengeance , MI : 6 agent Macijah St . John is left grieving for his slaughtered family and agrees to participate in a secret government experiment that gives him a magnificent and terrible power . Now he 's a mercenary spy that solves problems for the right price . His latest job puts him in the path of the greatest catastrophe yet - a librarian . Phoebe Addison 's life is a disaster . Crippling debt , a non - existent social life , and being the town librarian is hardly the glamorous existence she 'd always dreamed of . But when her sister Jessica , an interplanetary archeologist , gets herself involved with a psychotic billionaire bent on world domination , Phoe is about to get more excitement than she bargained for . They 're on the run with no one but each other . Totally NAKED . COMING TO AN ONLINE BOOKSELLER NEAR YOU ON APRIL 13 , 2017 ! ! Pre - order it 3 / 3o ! ! Share the love . . . . TwitterPinterestEmailFacebookGoogleLinkedInLike this : Like Loading . . . Boroughs Publishingcover revealespionagenew releasenovelparanormal romanceromanceseriesthriller What 's Going On With Lexx ? March 14 , 2017Lexxx Christian Leave a comment Greetings everyone ! It 's been quite some time since we talked . See what happened was , I normally updated my blog at work when there was nothing else going on . Then , several months ago , " The Powers That Be " decided that we needed to lock down the internet to save bandwidth . They nixed WordPress , Twitter , Facebook , and lots of other sites . Hence , my blog fell by the wayside . But don 't worry , I 've resolved to fix it and get myself back on a schedule . In the meantime , I 'd love for you all to visit my new website at : It has news , appearances , book info , and you can sign up for my newsletter , " The Hell 's Belles . " Each month I 'll feature authors , give updates on events , share writing tips , and give away free books ! So basically , I 'm leaving my blog here to be my heart and my website to be my head . So what 's been going on ? A lot ! As you guys who read the blog regularly know , I 've been trying to sell my book about the shapeshifting superspy for YEARS . Well guess what ? I just signed a 4 book deal with Boroughs Publishing Group to release my new series , Phoenix Rising , starring the incredibly sexy spy , Cage St . John . The first book , NAKED , will release on April 13 , 2017 ! Also , y ' all know about my obsession with Sherlock Holmes right ? Well it finally paid off ! I 've just signed a contract with Falstaff Books to produce 4 novellas starring Dr . John Watson . In the novellas , Watson will find himself in situations most dire where he 'll need to rely on his wits to escape monsters lurking in the underbelly of Victorian London . And he might even get a little help from his friend , Sherlock Holmes . My post is late . It isn 't surprising . I 'm always late . I 'm one of the world 's greatest procrastinators , but this time it really isn 't my fault . You see , I had a really tough time coming up with something to write for the # HoldOntoTheLight campaign . I don 't identify myself as mentally ill . Nor am I a survivor of domestic abuse , severe bullying , or sexual assault . In fact , friends in college used to tease that I was so well - adjusted that that in and of itself was neurotic . I even have imposter syndrome ABOUT having imposter syndrome . I 'm always afraid that I am inadvertently inflating my own little issues and thereby cheapening someone else 's struggles . " I ' M FINE " is a particularly favorite mantra . Then something happened on Sunday morning and this post hit me like a lightning bolt . Sunday morning I was having a perfectly normal conversation about my niece with my sister . Apparently , there 's some conflict between the teacher and some grading policy - blah blah blah - it doesn 't matter . Being a former classroom teacher , I was offering suggestions as to why the grading policy worked out that way and perhaps everyone should just calm down . " It 'll all work out in the end . " Then the conversation took a more aggressive turn and my devils ' advocate position started to close in until I felt that I was two feet tall and being pummeled with sticks . So I just stopped talking . I was irrationally angry and nauseated at the same time . Then later , I was depressed . I spent the whole day either sleeping or being weepy - completely wasting my Sunday . Bummer . I always get the question , " Why don 't you teach anymore ? " And I always make up some long , noble answer about not believing in the education system anymore . Or sometimes I say something joking and flippant like , " I like being able to go to the bathroom whenever I want . " But the truth is , and it 's really hard to admit , I was bullied out of it . Don 't get me wrong , I never really felt that teaching was a permanent career for me . I got my teaching certificate because my mom and dad wanted me to " have something to fall back on . " So I 'd been considering getting out of it for a long time , but in my last year , some things happened that made up my mind for me . At the very first open house I should have known this person was going to be a problem all year . She flat out told me at this first meeting that she wanted her child in another person 's class . I 'm not sure why : my test scores were good , my students had always been happy , I was tech - savvy , and my class was heavily arts - integrated . But she had been told that this other teacher was the bee 's knees with all the best students ( they did tend to give me rowdier kids because my classroom was more active ) and it was a smaller class and she wanted her child in that class , NOT MINE . Remember , this was the first time this woman met me . But I reassured her that her kid would be happy in my class , went over all my policies , and I thought she left happily . Weeks go by . Her child is a delight , but talkative . I mean , she 's seven - all seven year olds are talkative . She 's a smart little girl , but not a prodigy or anything . I think we 're all having a great year . Then when the first mid - semester report comes out , this woman blows into my room like a hurricane , complaining that her child got an S instead of an E ( in primary school we gave Es ( excellent ) , Ss ( Satisfactory ) , and Ns ( Needs improvement ) ! ! ! An S ! ! ! Her child wasn 't an S ! Her child got all Es in 1st grade ! ! I spoke to her calmly , showed her all of her child 's work and explained the grading policy AGAIN . I also said that if it would make her feel better , I 'd send her child 's work home weekly instead of bi - weekly as I had been doing for the last TWELVE YEARS of my career . Again , she was grudgingly satisfied and left . All was well until just after Christmas . I remember it extremely well . It was the Wednesday after we 'd come back from Christmas break . I was happily walking down the hall to the ladies ' room when my principal caught me . She asked me about the student with the nutty mom . How was she doing ? What was her reading level ? I answered her questions , still oblivious to any problem . She went on to say that nutty mom had been to see her and was very unhappy with me as a teacher . That I never sent home any graded work and that her child was failing and it was all my fault . I was flabbergasted and caught off guard . I explained that I was sending home graded work regularly and that the only reason I hadn 't in the last couple of weeks was that it was Christmas vacation ! The principal , nodded and said that 's what she thought ( at this point I assumed she was still on my side ) . A few mornings later , I come into the office to sign in and the principal catches me , beckoning me into her office . She then proceeds to rake me over the coals ( with the door to her office open with teachers and students rushing by ) about this child 's work . The nutty mom had faxed her copies of all of this graded work ( I might add that she had picked and chosen the things that served her case ) where the child had made a grade less than what she thought it should be . There was also a math test from before Christmas that had I had mistakenly left out of their graded papers before Christmas ( the child had made what equated to an A ) . Apparently , I should have just thrown the test away rather than sharing it with parents because this was all the evidence she needed to determine that I wasn 't grading papers and keeping track of progress . At any rate , the principal scolded me like a child in her office for about twenty minutes over a policy that was GRADE LEVEL - WIDE and neglecting to consider that I was a TWELVE YEAR VETERAN TEACHER . But apparently my judgment didn 't matter . I was then told that she " just didn 't know how to defend me " on this aFast forward a week or two . Nothing else had been said about the incident , no contact had been made from nutty parent , so I 'm hoping that it 's all blown over . I 'm walking down the hall after having taken my students to P . E . class . The school secretary rushes up to me and says , " You have to get up to the office RIGHT NOW for your conference ! " Naturally I 'm surprised . I didn 't have any conferences scheduled that day and no one had told me about any meeting . The secretary notices my stunned expression and says , " that nutty woman is up there and Ms . So and So wants you to bring the kid 's portfolio and your grade book . " I almost threw up right there . I was blindsided . No one had said anything to me about this meeting . At all . I go into the meeting alone , sitting on one side of the table where nutty mom and her husband and my principal are all facing me . What transpired was a forty - five minute session wherein my principal scolded me in front of these people . I wasn 't allowed to defend myself , so I just sat there silently . Feeling about two feet tall and like I was being pummeled with sticks . When it was over , I picked up my class from P . E . and tried to pretend nothing was wrong . Another week later , the principal came in during my planning period to tell me that she was moving the kid out of my class . That I had made her parents feel that I didn 't care about their child 's education and moving the child would be in her best interest . All I could say was , " Whatever you think is best . " For the rest of the year , I avoided the office . I made copies after school when I knew the principal would be gone . Every time I saw her in the hallway , I 'd keep my head down and pray she didn 't stop me . I started getting sick before school . I cried often . The kid that got moved from my class came to see me every day , hugging me and saying she wished she could come back . I hid in my classroom . Every time I had to go to the office , my heart would pound in my chest and I 'd break out in chills . Meanwhile , I asked the new teacher how my former student was doing and her comments were exactly the same as mine . I began counting down the days until I never had to darken the doorway of the school again . I left my twelve year career with no plan whatsoever ( not wise , btw ) . I thought about applying at another school , but the thought of going into the classroom again was sickening . And still is . I miss the children . I miss my old friends and the community that I just don 't feel part of anymore . But I still dream about sitting at that conference room table , alone and feeling worthless . I don 't miss that . And I 'll never be in that position again . I never considered the fact that I had PTSD from that experience . Isn 't PTSD something that only happens to soldiers and abuse survivors ? It never occurred to me that well - adjusted , boisterous , always in control Lexx would have PTSD from being bullied by two small - minded idiots . As an adult . And I think that if I had actually done anything wrong in that situation , I 'd be over it now . Sometimes I second guess myself and think that maybe I did . Maybe I wasn 't doing enough for that child . Maybe I should have tried harder . Maybe I was just overly - sensitive . Maybe . But one thing 's for sure . I 'm still shaking while I write this . I still cry when I try to tell someone about it . I still feel like a failure sometimes when I think about it . And the other day when I was talking to my sister about her child 's teacher , I was right back there . Feeling just as small and powerless as I did that day . Will it ever go away ? Will I ever just forget about it ? I don 't know . But maybe me telling you all about it is the first step to getting over it . # HoldOntoTheLight is a blog campaign encompassing blog posts by fantasy and science fiction authors around the world in an effort to raise awareness around treatment for depression , suicide prevention , domestic violence intervention , PTSD initiatives , bullying prevention and other mental health - related issues . We believe fandom should be supportive , welcoming and inclusive , in the long tradition of fandom taking care of its own . We encourage readers and fans to seek the help they or their loved ones need without shame or embarrassment . Please consider donating to or volunteering for organizations dedicated to treatment and prevention such as : American Foundation for Suicide Prevention , Home for the Warriors ( PTSD ) , National Alliance on Mental Illness ( NAMI ) , Canadian Mental Health Association , MIND ( UK ) , SANE ( UK ) , BeyondBlue ( Australia ) , To Write Love On Her Arms and the National Suicide Prevention Hotline . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
UNDAUNTEDFor a few very hard years this word was my mantra . The word means - undismayed ; not discouraged ; not forced to abandon purpose or effort - undiminished in courage or valor ; not giving way to fearBut the truth is , I was often dismayed by everything that had taken place , and I did battle discouragement . I battled fear and doubts . I hurt and was angry , and sometimes " undaunted " sounded more like a mockery than a mantra , and I was determined to be real about all of it in these posts , thus the name , Undaunted Reality . More than that , though , I was determined to live undaunted , not because I 'm so great or strong , but because my God is , and no matter what this world looks like , He is the only reality that matters . I pray I live the reality of Him beautifully undaunted . One of my very precious friends lost his dad over the weekend . He posted late last night that this was his first night withput a parent . Tears fell as I read his words and understood the emotional and mental altering of the world he must be experiencing . In response , I wrote the short piece below . A friend of mine broke her wrist . A small break . Didn 't need a cast , just one of those wrist braces . A month later , she had almost all function back . Another friend of mine was in a car wreck . The airbag hit her wrist the wrong way , and her wrist shattered . It took surgery and a couple of months to heal . When she went to see the doctor , he would x - ray , see how it was progressing , make sure there were indicators of healing there . She went from one kind of cast to another finally to a brace and eventually nothing . Her ability to use her wrist and hand went from nothing to pinching with fingertips to gripping with fingers to full functionality . A lot of strength had to be regained . It seemed like the healing would never be complete , but eventually it was . Now her wrist is fine , but wow , did it take time to reach " fine " . From the outside , the injuries look the same . However , they were very different breaks . While the small break took only six weeks for full recovery , no one would expect that of the second break . There were just too many things involved in the healing process . Emotional healing works the same way . Sadly too many people think healing is controlled by calendar pages , not personal pain . They think recovering from divorce , a death , or a given loss works in a pre - packaged time frame . If only . The truth is the second year can be harder than the first . Circumstances play a roll as well . This year a friend of mine had her fourth year divorced . It was her worst for reasons few can understand . The first year my mom was gone was drowned by the marital collapse and death of my husband . It wasn 't until I had found my way through the loss of marriage and my children 's dad that the reality hit - - my mom was gone . That was a breath - snatching Christmas . I know a precious lady whose marriage split up after 15 years . Her sweetheart since high school , only man she had ever dated , ever kissed , ever believed loved her walked out of their home and into the bed of a woman nearly fifteen years younger than she or her husband are . I couldn 't imagine what that was like , and a mutual friend and I were discussing it one day because we were concerned , and the mutual friend said , " I 'll be glad when she is done with the first year . She 'll be fine then . " That is how long it has been since everything began for us . When the path we were on became obvious , I made a list . It was my " Other Side " list . It was my criteria for what " the other side " looked like . I would know we had made it through once I saw these things active in our lives . About a month ago I realized we are living that list . We are on " the other side " . They had no time frame for when we should be past the anger or when birthdays shouldn 't hurt . They didn 't have the expectation that " the first year is the hardest but the second year will be so much easier . " They were simply in , for as long as it took , until our feet were on solid ground again and life didn 't hurt so much . They understood healing isn 't about the amount of time that has passed . It is about the progress that is made . Healing is not about getting through the first year or beyond the milestone anniversary . It is not about ticks of time or flipping of calendar pages . Healing is about reaching a place that is better than what it used to be . Healing is progressing from where one is to a place where life hurts less and hope leads more . And that takes time . Asking for help because I don 't have the physical ability or knowledge to use a tool or fix something is one thing . Needing help because my mind or emotions have turned against me . . . not acceptable . To have someone who notices when I 'm too quiet on FB , haven 't texted in a few days , am not picking up my phone , or particular things I say about working in the flowerbeds , turning in paperwork at the court house ( where I had to file the divorce petition ) , or writing thank you notes for those who sent flowers to the funeral . . . those things are priceless . As nice as it would be for people to tell us exactly what they need and let us do it , they don 't . People don 't want others to see their insanity . They don 't want people to see them at their worst . So they push through to the best of their ability or shut down when they simply can 't go on , and people are too afraid to make them mad or make them cry that they say and do nothing because they are waiting for that " any time you need me " clause to be activated . Except , no one is going to activate it . So how do you let the person know you are serious about your willingness to be there . . . even when it is insane ? I hated evenings after 8 : 00 pm . The house is quiet . The lack of companionship was a nightmare . I would have loved for someone to show up with a game or a movie and said , " I 'm just here to be here . " I 'm not saying people need to do that every night , but being alone night after night after a day of being the only parent / counselor / teacher / disciplinarian / social - planner / budget - meeter / order - keeper is mentally and emotionally battering . Someone with coffee and a movie who is willing to just be there with you . . . gold . Your job isn 't to get them out of their rut or to make them see life isn 't so bad . If you do that , they aren 't going to want you . I wouldn 't want you . That is about you , your opinions , and your comfort zones . This is about them . Sometimes they don 't know how to ask you to be there . Sometimes they don 't know what they really even need . They just know they need something . . . someone . . . because the demands are too many . . . the load is too large . I can 't list all the possibilities , but if you take a little time , ask a few questions , you can figure some things out . If you ask about favorite memories or traditions or what they did every spring or fall , you may be surprised at how much you can find out . People like to tell stories . They like to remember . They like that people want to hear . It is a heart - lifting surprise when someone gives you room to remember instead of telling you to forget . Maybe it is a trip to see fall leaves every year . Maybe it is putting in the flowers or a trip to the beach or opening day of movies . Maybe it is putting up lights for Christmas or tailgating at a football game or visiting a flea market . " I know you and ( the person you love ) did ( this thing ) . I was wondering , would you like some company ? Would you like someone to do that with you ? If not , would you like to do something totally different ? I know it must be hard to do by yourself . I 'll do it with you , or we can do something else . Just tell me what you need . " 1 . Being in pain is exhausting . Simply trying to get the kids and myself through the day . . . especially on days when I really needed someone to step in and help me breathe . . . just doing what had to be done took all my energy . I couldn 't think of what I needed or how anyone could help . Even when people asked what I needed , I had no answer . 2 . I had asked for help , for company , for simple presence , and the responses had hurt . I was already drained . I refused to risk inflicting more mental or emotional pain on myself . I thank God for those I never had to ask . My husband had moved out . My mom was dying of cancer . My kids were trying to find their way through the rage and pain . I was tired on every level . " I can 't put two thoughts together . " A few minutes later my phone rang . John asked me a few questions , told me to get pen and paper , and gave me the plan to get me through the weekend . I had to think about nothing . It was a Godsend . Valentine 's Day is hard . Rob died around 12 : 30 am on February 15th . We associate it with Valentine 's . The emotional tsunami that hit last year felt suffocating . My kids were in unbelievable pain . I was trying to get through the day as a woman who had not been single in nearly 24 years . . . . as a wife who was still trying to figure out what had gone wrong with her marriage . . . and as a person whose friend had died . I hurt . Dear Lord in heaven , how I hurt . And that day people texted and emailed . Told me they were praying . Confessed they had no idea how hard it must be but they were standing with me in their hearts , thoughts , and prayers . And then there were the flowers and the DVD . My friend Kristi had been praying for a month about how to love me on Valentine 's Day , and the Lord had answered . She gave me a beautiful bouquet and the Courageous DVD . I have never loved cut flowers so much . I watched Courageous and cried . It was more than a movie . It was an answer to prayer . I had asked the Lord how I 'm supposed to be a mom and a dad , and He showed me all He wanted was for me to be courageous , to fight the good fight , to be a good example . If I could instill His character , the kids would come through okay . He is the answer . I simply had to live courageously in Him . Kristi had no idea about my prayer or my heart . . . or how hard it can be to be a mom and dad . She only knew her friend was facing Valentine 's alone , and she wanted to help . So she prayed and asked the Counselor , the peace Prince . . . the One who is with me constantly . . . and she put love into action . Birthdays are hard , whether it be having a birthday without someone . . . or finding the way through the birthday of the one lost . When our friend Lonnie died , multiple friends graced his wife with her favorite flowers on her birthday , just like he did . Sure she cried , but it was a good cry . Anniversaries are hard . I 've spent the last two anniversaries doing vulnteer work . It kept me busy all day , and I was so exhausted when I got home I showered and fell asleep . Some events are hard . Watching WonderGirl be Willie Wonka , the character her dad had always wanted to be , tested my ability to keep breathing . Thank the Lord we were surrounded by a few dozen friends who held my hand , offered a shoulder , and gave a standing ovation for WonderGirl 's courage . The way to be present varies from person to person because the empty places , the hurting spots , vary with each relationship and with each life . It doesn 't take a huge presence to make a huge difference , though . Some courage to invade space , a bit of time , and the willingness to see beyond the platitudes hurting people so often dole out will speak love greater than you can imagine . It was a horrible day . The kind of day you wish you could do over , take things back , handle everything differently . My son was angry and screaming . And in the midst of all the horrible , Mary Kate was coming over to help me paint my son 's room . A student of mine a handful of years ago . Now a young woman . Instead of a student , she was now a friend . . . but how far into horrible will friends go ? How much horrible does one want their friends to see ? When I turned off my phone , she had agreed to turn around and go home . I knelt on the floor and sobbed so hard I ached . I don 't know how long I sat there . I can 't tell you what went through my mind . All I know is when I picked my phone and asked , " Where are you ? " , she answered , " Two minutes away sitting in the parking lot wondering how angry you 'll be when I just show up at your door anyway . " She was also there when I spent a damp morning walking through the rain dripping grass pulling up ragweed that had taken over my yard . The week before I had worked in the yard , cleared some flowerbeds . . . cried the whole time . My husband and I had done the yardwork together . It was my first year to do it alone , and oh what I would have given for someone to just sit in a lawn chair near me , sip sweet tea , and talk . I didn 't expect anyone to get on their knees or sacrifice their backs . I just wanted a presence . It is amazing the comfort a simple presence can offer when all the heart can see is the empty . She wandered the yard in boots , pajamas , and a jacket with me while we filled three large outside trashcans with milkweed . We talked some . I don 't know what about . I remember what I kept thinking . It took months for me to be able to think of writing thank you notes , and when I finally decided I was ready , I pulled out the notes , suddenly couldn 't breathe , and walked away from the notes . I mentioned this to some friends , and four of them offered to come and sit with me while I wrote the notes , offered to make me sweet tea , address envelopes , write the notes for me if I needed . What did I need ? They were in . I didn 't want people to see me trying to sort through the emotions and thoughts of a marriage gone wrong , a husband who didn 't want to be here , and a life gone away . I couldn 't explain how I could go from anger to sobbing in seconds , and I didn 't trust people to understand . I was wrong . I should have let them come . I should have trusted their strength more . I should have . . . allowed them to comfort me with their presence . " I know birthdays will get easier . I know a time will come when we get through the day without memories , without fighting tears . It isn 't today . " Almost before I had finished asking , " Lord , give me your heart , " I heard the words , " The Missing Answer - - When a Baby is Aborted . " My heart ached , and I knew it is because His heart aches . I felt sadness and compassion of such magnitude it was almost as though I would disappear into it , and I thought I understood . I 've never been there either , but I understand making mistakes I wish I could undo . I understand the shame I felt , the shame that kept me from telling , from feeling like I had a right to feel anything other than horrible . I understand feeling like I not only deserved to feel wretched but by all that was right , should feel wretched . I understand hating myself and what I 'd done . I understand feeling wholly undeserving of compassion and having no hope of forgiveness . I understand grief and guilt that suffocates and drowns . I also understand my God looks at the person not the choice , heals the pain not judges the person , and loves where a person is and not where other thinks she should have been . I understand that my God 's heart is to heal the brokenhearted , set captives free , proclaim release for prisoners in darkness , forgive sins , and restore lives . I understand my Bible says with God the old is done and a new life is available , and I understand the Bible says those promises are for everyone , not " everyone except women who have had abortions . " And I understand these mommas watch due dates slip by that rip at their hearts but they have to pretend all is fine because how do you tell ? Who do you tell ? You have not forfeited your right to hurt as a mom who aches for her child . You are a mom . You have the right to grieve as one . If you know someone who has had an abortion , instead of thinking about the act , think about the person living with the ramifications . Instead of being angry a life was lost , open your heart to seek the life still here to save . Listen , and if you can think of nothing else to say , say , " I love you . " Instead of imprisoning them to what they 've done , seek God 's wisdom to set them free to who He desires them to be . He doesn 't desire them to live in pain and self - hatred for the rest of their lives . That isn 't how our God works . His heart for them is love , peace , joy , and forgiveness . . . from Him and themselves . Live His heart . please visit my profile . You can find my email there . I 'm not a counselor . I 'm just a woman . . . who has hurt horribly . . . and who knows a God who loves madly . He is all I have , but He is all you need . As I write this , I 'm looking out my window . Here in Texas , we 've been in drought conditions for . . . a long time . Today . . . this CHRISTMAS day . . . the day of hope . . . we are walking in mud . The rain has fallen all night , and now it has given way . . . to snow . There are so many I know this Christmas who are waiting for the promise . I believe the Lord wants you to know He remembers you . He knows your name . He knows His promise to you . He knows your heart 's desire . He knows you are waiting . . . and wondering . . . He has not forgotten you . He has not forgotten the promise . His word is not void or empty . It is no accident that the long prayed for rain and snow have come on this Christmas Day . It is no accident you reading this post . It doesn 't matter if you found it on your own , subscribe to it , like it on Facebook , or someone sent it to you because you came to mind . This is in your hands because God knows YOU need it . YOU . He knows He need to be encouraged . He knows you need to be assured . He is the strength in weakness . He 's not ashamed if you 've begun to wane . He 's the Lion of Judah stepping in to safe your faith , to lift you up , to re - establish your footing . I don 't know what drought you are in . I don 't know what promises seem dead . All I know is the ground is a soggy mess covered over by a few inches of snow in this drought hardened area of Texas . Promises are soaking in , germinating , preparing to blossom even as I type this to you . Just as it would be impossible for such blessing to fall from heaven and have no affect . . . even more impossible . . . is the ability of our God to speak . . . and accomplish nothing . This is the second white Christmas in our area in about 90 years . This . . . never happens . . . and yet it did . It 's Christmas morning , about 10 : 00 am . My kids are sound asleep . There are no gifts under the tree . The stockings are lying in a pile on the coffee table . And I 'm sitting here with my computer wondering what happened to Christmas . Is it just that we haven 't done what we always do ? Am I missing tradition ? Am I missing the familiar ? Surely after the last 2 1 / 2 years I don 't suffer from that . Christmas isn 't about a baby come to save or a " life everlasting " . The mass of the Christ is about relationship . It 's not about an aloof King who took time to walk among the vagrants , set a good example , and make promises about when this life is over . It 's about a Creator who had tried every way He could to get involved in life HERE and NOW . The mass of the Christ isn 't about God offering us life in heaven . It 's about His stepping into our lives here on earth . It 's about a God who couldn 't reach us through others , so He stepped right into the mess and the ugly and the pain and the craziness and the ways we miss Him so He wouldn 't miss us . The mass of the Christ isn 't about what He wants us to be for Him . It 's about what He needed to be for us . The entire mass of the Christ is about a God who isn 't fascinated with pretty wrapping of perfect lives but is drawn in by the desperate need of the broken . The Christ - mass has everything to do with the people - mess , and it wasn 't about making them perfect . It was about finding them in their imperfection . It was never about getting people to follow a religion . It was all about opening a door to build a relationship . In my last post , I offered my " wisdom " on how to love someone who has lost a baby . I have never lost a child , so I was offering what I 've learned from parents who have taken time to share their hearts with me . But we need more . We need a light on the path , not the blind leading the blind hoping we won 't step on anyone while fumbling through . Moms and Dads , Please , we don 't know what to say or do . We are walking in the dark . If you 've suffered this loss , will you be a light to our paths ? Will you share hearts with us ? First , I cried with her . She called me , told me about the loss , and we cried together . I think I muttered , " I 'm just stunned . I 'm so sorry , " a dozen times or more . They had tried so long to get pregnant and were so excited . . . I just cried . Second , I also sent her a card on her due dates . I know that might odd , but I 've learned moms do not forget their due dates , and those days are very hard for a lot moms . Often they feel like they are alone because no one remembers , and by then , they are supposed to be " past it " , so they try not to say anything . Society is really cruel with what we expect folks to sweep under the rug . I chose to jerk the rug up . I wanted her to know I remembered these precious lives that had been part of her . Most folks either forget those dates or try to let them slip by unnoticed . I wrote in the cards if they were the wrong thing I was sorry , but I wanted her to know I remembered these precious gifts . For probably 2 or 3 years after that , I would call or email and say , " I know this would have been a birthday . How are you ? " It was so non - glorious . I had NOTHING . BUT , she said the fact I remembered was precious , and I remembered the names they gave the babies . She thanked me who knows how many times . She said it felt good to know her babies were remembered . . . that SHE was remembered . Along those lines , I also checked in at Christmas , especially the first Christmas because this was their first child , and they had been trying for a couple of years to get pregnant . That year they lost their son but two nephews were born well and healthy . Can you imagine how hard Christmas was ? I confess I couldn 't . BUT , I wanted her to know I knew she must be hurting . Something I did for another friend was take her to lunch or coffee or something . . . and coincidentally , our plans always fell at the same times as baby showers for other friends of hers . She knew I understood if she wanted to go to those showers , but she always chose time with me . . . after all , we already had plans , she wanted to keep her word , and she knew I was really looking forward to that time . A few times , our plans conflicted with first birthday parties . Oddest thing how that happened . It was like they planned those things just to make it so she couldn 't go . I think the key is to let the person know you realize they have lost someone , someone very real . I hate that garbage about , " Well , at least you never held that baby and learned to love it . " I loved my babies from the second I saw those two pink lines . When I was 9 weeks pregnant with my son , I started spotting and cramping . A beating heart has never looked so beautiful as his did on that monitor that day in the ER . Losing a baby is heart - shredding stuff . There is no " at least " , and the whole , " God needed that baby more than you . . . " If I were on a jury and a parent were being tried for violence comitted by him or her against someone thoughtless enough to say that , I would send that parent home without so much as a reprimand . In fact , I might pat the parent on the back and thank her for educating the masses on the result spewing obviously thoughtless comments . Just saying . I think in some ways losing a baby during pregnancy can be harder because folks don 't realize how hard it is . I 've never experienced it , but from conversations I 've had , the feeling no one understands or gets that YOUR CHILD HAS DIED is horrificly painful . I think a good guiding principle is to remember that baby was a person , and those who lost that baby lost a valuable life . Treating that life as valuable , demonstrating to those grieving that you know this is a life - shaped hole in their hearts , showing the lost baby is precious and those dealing with the loss are precious . . . that is where our compassion and comforting abilities has to pour from . That is honestly all we have to give . And as always , I 'm a big proponent of asking what the person needs . Instead of just saying , " Call me if you need me , " you make the call . Say something like , " You were on my mind today , and I am concerned about you . I don 't know what I can do , but I know this is incredibly hard and painful , and is there anything I can offer you ? Do you just need to talk ? You need to cry ? You need me to make dinner ? Want me to take your other kids so you can just have some rest ? " Honestly , this person may not be able to think of a way you can help because thinking is not a strength when one is grieving . Do a bit of thinking for this person . Toss out some ideas . Give the person a chance to pick something instead of having to expend the energy to create an answer . And if you aren 't close enough for physical presence , ask the same questions via phone or computer . " How are you ? I 'm praying for you . You 've been on my mind . The holidays are coming up . I am concerned about you . I know these can be hard , and some folks feel they just have to push through as happy as possible . Are you alright ? Need to talk ? " Sometimes I just say , " I can understand feeling like something is missing . . . a friend of mine dealt with a lot of anger during the holidays the year she lost her son . . . I think Mother 's Day would be hard . . . " I 'm amazed at how making an effort to empathize opens doors for conversation and offering comfort . I 've also asked frankly , " How do you need me to be on this road with you ? I want to be here , and I don 't know how . Tell me what I need to be for you . " I think the greatest thing anyone can do is acknoweldge the loss and the pain . A gift from God has been lost . Yes , that baby is in His hands , but a momma and daddy have empty arms . Empty arms hurt . The size of the baby doesn 't matter . The loss is still heart - size . Parents need to know someone else knows that , too . Posted by It is late , and I should be sleeping . Instead , I 've been lying here in the dark staring at the ceiling I can 't see as the day ambles back through my mind . My mind is so awed , and my heart is so full . Sleep cannot find its way in . Every year I pray for a " word " for the year . It might be an actual one word thing , or it might be a phrase . I 've had years when God gave me a whole chapter . This year He gave me one word - - " fulfill " . I will tell you straight up that the Lord has fulfilled a LOT this year . My children and I are in great places spiritually , mentally , and emotionally . It has been a very good year . However . . . There are areas of my life that don 't feel fullfilled . In my mind and heart , there are some things lacking and there is space for a few other things . In fact , there are some things He has promised that have not arrived . And there are only 9 days left in the year , and I 'm getting a bit . . . antsy . This morning as I was praying , I confessed my weaknesses . In my weakness , He is strong . I need His strength to keep my faith boosted . I need Him to strengthen me because this is an area where I am still maturing . Instead of trying to cover it up , I took it to Him , laid it at His feet , and asked Him to handle it . Then I went on and prayed about other things . In fact , He is so crazy deep concerned about me personally I often find myself lost in the awe of it . He is so personal . I lose my keys , look until I am convinced I tossed them in the trash somehow , ask Him to show me , minutes later keys are in my hand . REALLY , He is totally all about me . My neighbor is Vietnamese . She makes the best eggrolls I have ever had . I could eat these things until I was sick . In the past , she brought them over fairly regularly . However , it has been over 2 1 / 2 years since the last time she has blessed us with egg rolls . I was thinking about that this morning while considering what to bake for everyone in the neighborhood for Christmas , something we used to do every year but haven 't as we 've been healing . A few hours later , someone knocked on our door . Yes . It was Pham . Yes . In her hand was a bag of eggrolls . In the other hand was homemade sauce . Such delights ! Inconsequential to the world , but so good for my heart . Desire of my heart ? Maybe . Who am I to say what importance God puts on desires ? I enjoy these eggrolls immensely , and I missed them . Perhaps when an Almighty God is totally all about showing you His promises do not fail , that is desire enough . Tuesday night I was doing some much needed shopping . While looking for winter clothes , I prayed about jewelry . In a clear answer , I heard , " I will handle that . " When Pham was here , she said she had something for the kids and me . She went home and returned with a beautiful set of candles ( also a WAY amazing story ) and a bag of stuff . I know . You know what it is , but not just jewelry . Try EIGHT earring / necklace sets , and they are lovely . Then my Christmas plans took a hit . My brother , whom I think very highly of and enjoy greatly , was going to be here Christmas Day . However , he is driving in from an area with a good chance of rough winter weather . He can 't stay the night , and I don 't want him to risk driving into ice and freezing stuff , so I suggested we reschedule . And that was hard because I know his life schedule , and he is genuinely busy . His schedule is not forgiving or agreeable . Until a few days ago , we weren 't even sure he was scheduled off for Christmas , so I knew if I gave up Christmas Day the chances of Christmas with him at any point plummeted . Still , I would prefer he be safe , so I told him I thought it would be better if he stay home and tried to psych myself up to cooking a " big " Christmas dinner for three of us . " I have off Christmas Eve . Want to do Christmas then ? " There were other things . Other prayers answered , kindnesses received , and just overwhelming personal attention . Things I would think of or wonder about or wish I knew . . . and within hours , they were put in my hands . I won 't lie , and I won 't wax poetic . The honest fact is I know things that hurt her here are no longer hurting her . I know the cancer isn 't ravaging her body , and I know she can smile for the first time in months . She had so missed her smile since the cancer had paralyzed her face , and her smile was so beautiful . I know all that . I also know I keep looking at her blog . . . wishing to see a new entry . I know I saw a rock in a stream yesterday , and it looked like a heart . I almost texted her a picture . I know the package of goodies that she always sends at Christmas isn 't coming this year , and I have never craved peanut brittle like I do now . Not just ANY peanut brittle either . SHARILYN ' S peanut brittle . Around 10 : 00 last night , I called my friend Scott and told him Sharilyn was gone . He told me he didn 't know what to say . Trying not to sound like I was crying really hard , I said , " Just talk to me about anything . Tell me about your day . . . your plans for the weekend . . . " I 've been spending some time considering our accomplishments and progress of the last year . Really , I am very happy with it all . We 've come so far . We are doing great , and we are excited about where we are and where we are going . Really , it 's good . Now I am looking forward to next year and thinking about where I want us to get , what I want us to do , and the how of it all . I have a lot of ideas . Most of it is pretty typical or at least low key . Challenging but probably nothing that will make its way here . I keep hearing people say we need to get prayer back into schools . However , prayer in school has always been an option , just ask any child facing a test . Prayer in school is as pointless as prayer in church . . . unless it is taken home . We need to get prayer back into homes - - around kitchen tables , around a family altar ( and I don 't mean the TV during a football game ) , and by beds at night . If we want to see America change , we do from our homes out . The question is whether we are willing to be responsible to make the hard choices required to be the change we keep saying we want to see . We need to do more than pray FOR our kids . We need to pray in front of our kids and pray WITH our kids . To say we need to put prayer back in schools takes the responsibility from the leaders who are preventing it to the kids who aren 't getting to do it . What these kids need is for parents to stop dumping the responsibility on everyone else , get on their knees , and do the job themselves like they are supposed to . When I finished writing that last post , I sat here awhile and thought about Jesus finding people . I just kept thinking about the woman at the well ( story below ) . She was a Samaritan , which meant the Jews thought she was trash , and she shacked up with a list of men , so her people thought she was trash . This woman who was the community gossip column . She was so tired of the stares and jeers and cutting comments that she waited until all other women had come to the well and gone home before she snuck up there by herself . I doubt she strolled up there , whistling a happy toon . I think she probably walked with her eyes down , her body rolled in trying to make herself small , trying to be as small a target as possible . I think in many ways she was a shell , numb , empty . She had given the best of her , and now she was simply a person trying to get through the day until . . . she didn 't know what . Things were never going to get better . Then this Jewish man shows up at the well one day and asks her for a drink , and her world is rocked . Not only does He not care that she is a Samaritan , He doesn 't care that she has lived with multiple men and is living with one now . In fact , He is unconcerned with her past or her present circumstance . His only concern . . . she is empty . . . and He has what it takes to fill her . Because He wanted her to know He knew her . He wanted her to know He already knew the worst and darkest . He already knew the ugly . . . and it had no relevancy at all . He told her right up front , " I already know everything , and I want you anyway . I knew all that when I started walking toward you , and I came here just for you . I know how empty you are . I know how life has drained you . I know what you have given away , and instead of making me turn the other direction , it made me walk right straight to you . " We are strange critters , we humans . We go to doctors when we are sick because they are doctors and we are sick . Their whole purpose is to make sick people well . It is what they want to do , so when we go to them sick , we never expect them to berate us , " You know it is flu season . You didn 't have the sense to get a flu shot ? Then , honey , you are on your own . I don 't have time to deal with idiots who know better than to skip a flu shot and then get sick because they are dumb . I only take care of people who do all the right things - - like wash their hands , wear masks , get immunizations , take vitamin C , exercise daily , eat right - - and don 't even get me started on that number on that scale out there . YOU have obviously not gotten it right or you wouldn 't be sick , so no , I have no desire to help you . " Sure . We expect them to mention the blood pressure , the weight , the option of a flu shot , but good grief , they are here to help us . Even if it a lifelong smoker battling lung cancer , we expect the doctor to try to help us . But when the Great Physician shows up , we get ashamed of the fact we are sick because we didn 't take the flu shot . We 're ashamed of the cancer our lifestyle has caused . We are ashamed of how sick we are , and surely , if He knows . . . 4 Now he had to go through Samaria . 5 So he came to a town in Samaria called Sychar , near the plot of ground Jacob had given to his son Joseph . 6 Jacob 's well was there , and Jesus , tired as he was from the journey , sat down by the well . It was about noon . 9 The Samaritan woman said to him , " You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman . How can you ask me for a drink ? " ( For Jews do not associate with Samaritans . ) 11 " Sir , " the woman said , " you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep . Where can you get this living water ? 12 Are you greater than our father Jacob , who gave us the well and drank from it himself , as did also his sons and his livestock ? " Jesus said to her , " You are right when you say you have no husband . 18 The fact is , you have had five husbands , and the man you now have is not your husband . What you have just said is quite true . " 21 " Woman , " Jesus replied , " believe me , a time is coming when you will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem . 22 You Samaritans worship what you do not know ; we worship what we do know , for salvation is from the Jews . 23 Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in the Spirit and in truth , for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks . 24 God is spirit , and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth . " 39 Many of the Samaritans from that town believed in him because of the woman 's testimony , " He told me everything I ever did . " 40 So when the Samaritans came to him , they urged him to stay with them , and he stayed two days . 41 And because of his words many more became believers . fight their way through this unfathomable void to life again . I know right now they feel the oppression of death . Father , only you can get them through this dark place and to a place of life again . Send your angels in heavenly and earthly form to lead and aid as these people need . I pray for your warriors to come along these hurting people and help them battle I have just finished scheduling part eleven - - ELEVEN - - of a series about grief and helping and support and . . . there is so much more running through my mind , but there are already ELEVEN posts . Is it really smart to write MORE ? ! Seems sort of hyperfocused to me . Not my idea of a topic to read a large audience , and surely God wants to reach a large audience . He wants His word out , right ? And yet , every time I sit down - - or just try to sleep - - this topic about grief and helping others in the midst of loss or trauma sits right in the forefront of my mind . . . so I keep writing . . . and I 'm wondering . . . My mind worries . What if in the next 11 scheduled posts people find me depressing or babble - some ? What if readers begin to suspect my closest neighbor has a perpetual cloud over him and has a hard time keeping up with his tail ? What if people decide I am wholly NOT undaunted ? What if people see no reason to keep reading ? What He keeps speaking to me is that numbers are not relevant . The Lord sometimes feeds multitudes , but it wasn 't a crowd standing around a well at happy hour that had His heart . It was one woman who walked up when the sun was hot so no one would see . I agree . In HER world where her husband who is wonderful comes home from work , her mom lives close enough to drop by for dinner , she is successful in her career , and she thinks she has control of time it would be extremely abnormal for her to cry for three days . Anyone who has a life like hers and cries a lot would be concerning . However , I wasn 't living her life . I was living a life that included children grieving their dad with the anger , sadness , and insomnia that includes , a family that had disintegrated , the attempt to figure out what was real in 19 years of marriage , being alone ALL THE TIME , working through an estate , and a whole slew of other things . AND I was trying to do it by myself because I was infinitely tired of the suggestion of counseling and drugs to make me happy enough for public acceptance . In MY world , grief and all that it entails was normal . Crying on any given day over any given thing was normal . However , it did not fit into HER world , and she didn 't take time to understand mine . She never asked what made me sad . She never asked how she could help . She never offered to listen . Instead , she demanded I do whatever it took to fit back into her world and her comfort zone . What she did not seem to realize is I had no way to fit into her comfort zone because I no longer lived in her world . Imagine if life as you knew it were gone forever . Imagine if your routine , the key people in your life , the way you lived , the security you had , even the idea you actually controlled what would happen tomorrow or later today were gone . Imagine if your reality . . . was a vague memory covered in the dust of major devestation . Need I go on ? Insert your own imaginations . Whether it be a spouse , a child , a parent , a sibling , a best friend . . . the person ( s ) who makes your lifescape what it is . Do you think you would be happy ? Do you think you could face each day with a smile ? Do you really think you could walk in a closet where your spouse 's clothes used to hang or down the hall where your child 's laughter used to come through the door . . . and be " normal " ? Or do you think you might be angry ? You might be confused ? You might have questions ? You might just want to go to bed and not get up ? That particular songs , clothing , or days would send you tumbling into the reality that nothing can ever be " normal " again ? How do you think you would feel if someone told you not to cry , to get over it , move on , or focus on what you have ? How do you think you would feel if someone suggested the children that are still living should make you feel less loss about the one who has died ? How would you feel if someone quoted scripture about not having a right to be angry , not having the right to ask questions , not having a right to be sad ? What if you had the flu and someone told you the Bible says to be joyful in all trials because trials produce all those good things , therefore , you should be joyful you have the flu ? Or what if you are to give thanks in all things , so you should give thanks for being worthy to have the flu ? What if someone told you to not whine about the aches or fever or vomiting that makes every muscle in your body hurt ? What if they told you to get out of bed and act like all was fine because really , this is so inconvenient for everyone else ? Would you think they really understood what it meant to have the flu ? Would it cross your mind that if you sneezed their direction , a small case of the flu might help them understand YOUR reality ? Or would you want them to understand your misery , understand the pain , understand that in the midst of aching all over physically and mentally you feel like it is never going to get better ? Would you want them to understand that you hate that this has happened to you and you might be angry or confused by how intense the suffering is ? Would you possibly just want someone to understand ? The goal is not to help them find their way back to your reality because they can 't . It will never happen . The goal is to help them through the grief so they can build life in theirs . When people ask me how to help others , they are asking what to do or say , especially what to say , that will give comfort to someone who is hurting . They sincerely want to extend a tender touch and envelop the person with kindness and love . This is beautiful , and taking time to learn to do it better shows me deep wisdom and honest love . As I 've said before , we would all love exact words to say . A script would be so nice , wouldn 't it ? Unfortunately , there isn 't one , so I 'm trying to give you some things to consider , and I hope if you understand the reality of someone going through trauma or deep loss , it will help you speak wisely . Sometimes , helping isn 't about what you say , though . It is about what you don 't say . I don 't often give hard and fast rules , but in this case , I 'm going to do just that . If you really , honestly want to express empathy and concern for someone . . . My husband died . He was 42 . Massive heart attack . His last words to me were , " Jerri , you 're a great mom . See you tomorrow . " I almost let the words slip out , " Rob , I love you , " but I didn 't . How pathetic would that be ? We were a month from the divorce being final . He had made it clear he no longer loved me but wanted to move into his new life . I said nothing . I don 't know anyone who has experienced those circumstances . Can you really tell me you understand the guilt of not saying those words , the shock of his being dead at 42 , the anger at burying someone who didn 't want me , the absolutely absurd accusations by his parents , and the children 's reactions ? Oh , and by the way , this happend 4 1 / 2 months after my mom died , my stepdad quit speaking to us , close friends took sides , and . . . . Really . You want to tell me you understand that ? I have known or met several women whose husbands have died . In one instance , a wife watched for nearly a year as cancer stole her husband 's mind . I cannot imagine . I cannot imagine knowing it will be the last anniversary or the last birthday or the last . . . day . In another instance , her husband died on Christmas . He took a nap and didn 't wake up . I cannot imagine trying to celebrate Christmas . I cannot imagine seeing the world celebrate when the heart aches so badly . Another friend lost her husband to a drunk driver . For the one you love to die from causes no one can control is one thing . To lose your loved one because someone is selfish and irresponsible . . . I cannot wrap my mind around that . And then there are the men I know who have lost wives . It is a whole different thing . I 've met men raising children alone , men who are single after losing the love of over 50 years , and a few in between . I have no clue what their experience is . I don 't understand what it is like for a man to suddenly have to figure out girl 's hair , menstrual cycles , and house keeping . I cannot imagine a lifetime of being and becoming one . . . only to have the one who made you whole ripped away . Sure . We all lost our spouses , and I can relate to their loss , but I don 't understand . There are simply too many factors . I don 't understand my friend who is now raising three stepchildren in their teens and a son under five all by herself . I don 't understand the young man with the baby only a few months old trying to figure out life without his wife who died of an aneurysm in his arms . I don 't understand the stress of finances or family relations or social relations or emotional demands . I don 't understand trying to balance jobs or helping children who had to walk right back into public school . I don 't understand having the opportunity to end with closure . I don 't understand the peace of knowing everything that needed to be said was . I just don 't understand . Honestly , I think when people say they understand , really , they want to feel like someone understands them , like someone gets it . I think they want validation for their experience and reality . However , the truth is no one can fully understand because every experience , every reality of loss is personal . It is customized to that person and that situation . It is impossible to truly understand someone else 's pain . Believe it or not , one of the best ways you can help is to fess up and tell the truth . Look the person in the eye and say , " I don 't understand what you are going through , but I understand pain . I understand feeling lonely . I understand how life changes in ways I don 't expect or want , and I understand the confusion and pain . How can I help you with yours ? " Your willingness to tell me you don 't remotely understand tells me you at least understand the magnitude of the effect on me . It tells me you know this is heart crushing . Your telling me you can 't imagine the pain , confusion , and shock validates my looking around at the remains of what used to be trying to get a grasp on what happened . . . and trying to figure out where life goes from here . It 's a lie . That whole idea that the first year is the hardest . It 's shocking , and it 's raw and in your face and heart shredding . . . " I hate Sundays . I can 't do another one . I don 't know what you can do about it , but really , God , I cannot do another Sunday . & qu . . . More than once I 've been asked how my marriage ended . People usually mean am I widow or divorced ? Well , legally speaking , it ended when . . . |
It 's Friday at last . My work - place is going through a slow period right now ( it often does following Christmas ) , so I was given an unscheduled holiday on Wednesday - unpaid , of course . It 's nice having a day off in the middle of the week , but I 'll feel it when I receive my pay - cheque today . But regardless , I 'm glad it 's the weekend . I am looking forward to it , even though I had Wednesday off . I 'll be watching a movie , reading , writing , listening to music , spending time with cats ( probably not in that order ) and doing some of what my Chubs is doing here - except in a different position . Ouch . It 's funny what some cats develop as habits . Renn , for instance , is no different than other cats in that he likes to knead when he is happy . But he does it only in one condition . He will sometimes paw the air , swimming , like Kola does , but actually kneading an object is done only in one place and to one thing . Unfortunately , that thing is me . I sit in a corner of the sitting room couch when I relax . I like the armchair , but there is little room for cats , so it gets used less than the couch . Whenever I sit on the couch , my big boy , whose hearing must be as mighty as his sense of smell , comes in from wherever he may be and joins me . Sometimes , he lies down in the other corner ; sometimes , he lies next to me . But sooner or later , he will start to knead . He will sit beside me , put his forepaws against me and push and push . He is not a light animal . His weight is not insubstantial . And he is healthy so his claws grow rapidly , and always seem to be sharp . He doesn 't mean for them to come out when he kneads but of course that action extrudes those little rapiers . Straight into me . I usually have a swath of puncture marks along the right side of my torso . Often , it resembles a rash , and I 'm waiting for the time a doctor questions whether I have been to the tropics recently or am allergic to arugula . And I 'm sure my starboard kidney resembles a professional boxer 's after a tough fight . It 's my own fault ; I should be more current in cutting Renn 's claws . But I forget , and then am reminded when my big boy kneads me . The hairball is , I believe , defeated . There are no positive signs of its conquest but , as with Josie 's similar condition some time ago , it 's what I don 't see or find that persuades me that she is finished with it . Cammie hasn 't thrown up for days and her appetite is better . But now , she has a cold . Her eyes are leaking and her nose is clogged . She periodically relieves this by shaking her head . She also sneezes . At first , watching her shake her head , I thought there may be an itch in her ears , an infection , perhaps . But she hasn 't scratched her ears , her head or anything else . She is just trying to clear her nostrils . I think there may be something in her system that comes to the fore when she is stressed . She had what was reportedly a cold when she was in Regina - and that situation must have been the most stressful she 's been in for years . The hairball probably created some ill feelings emotionally , which was undoubtedly exacerbated by my necessarily forcing hairball remedy into her . So now the Camster looks sadder than ever . And Cammie does come upstairs , even in her misery , benefitting from the warmed cat - bed in the sitting room . And she makes time to lie on my lap at least once a day , and still purrs at the attention I give her , now and then spewing snot over me . Nonetheless , I am confident that though what she is experiencing may be making her feel badly , it is not serious . Even better than continued lap - time is Cammie 's continued appetite . It 's less than I 'd like , but she is still eating . She consumes a little at the usual meal - times , but I give her some soft - food whenever she sits on the food mat . I see that she is eating some hard - food , as well : she throws about debris from the bowl whenever she chooses kernels from it . As long as my princess is getting nutrition , and is spirited enough for some affection , I 'm not very worried about her . But I think she 's had enough bad luck recently . And the other cats are complaining that a certain Siamese royal is hogging the blog . Kola is an expressive cat . He 's talkative , and there isn 't much about him that he keeps hidden . For instance , when annoyed ( such as when a human tries to comb out matted hair near his rear ) , he will bleat like one of the Billy Goats Gruff . But usually , he is in a good mood . The Floof King loves to have the back of his neck rubbed , and then all the way down his spine , with a firm but not intrusive touch . He also likes a chest - rub , a chin - rub and of course a face - rub . I noticed early on in our acquaintance that he will knead the air very quickly upon being given something he likes . His purr comes second . It is still a secondary means of showing his pleasure . I find that strange , since most cats I know resort to kneading second . It comes between purring and drooling in terms of demonstration . But never mind . Kola wants to show his enjoyment , and he does it by kneading the air , which looks to me like swimming . So join him , won 't you ? Come on in , the water 's fine ! Kola continues to spend the night locked in the parlour due to Tucker 's periodic bullying , so I was able to monitor the Floof King 's waste management . This morning , his poop was firmer and more formed than it has been over the previous few days . The troubles with poop being softer or even liquidy seem to come and go with different cats , and though Kola is clean in his habits , even he cannot get everything on extreme occasions . So I am glad for his well - being , and my furniture , that he is improved . Cammie too spent another day in isolation , so I could monitor her habits . She is eating once more , with a good appetite that had her consuming both hard - and soft - food in decent quantities . She was playful last night , battling with both a string - toy and a laser - pointer , and was using her usual spots for snoozing . I am astonished at Cammie 's progress in trust . I gave her a hairball remedy for three days . Last night was the final dose . It is horrible stuff , to judge from my beasts ' reactions , and Cammie growled and hissed during the ordeal of its delivery . But last night , her resistance was much reduced . Perhaps she connected its provision with feeling better ; perhaps she knew now that the treatment is over in a minute . I don 't know the reason , but she was much easier to handle . Immediately afterward , she let me pet her , and less than a minute subsequent , she was on my lap , purring . The best thing about this , I think , is that if I ever need to force - feed her , I know I will be able to . Putting food into a cat by syringe is sometimes a regrettable necessity , as many cat - fanciers have come to know . I was afraid that I was going to have to do this with my Siamese princess in another day . I couldn 't have had her go without food for much longer . I did not have to resort to that drastic action , but I now know that , though Cammie will put up resistance , it won 't be either complete or dangerous . She is more trusting and I am more confident . She has been feeling poorly for a few days , and eating less and less . Yesterday , she ate hardly anything at all , and was growing lethargic . Tempting her with different flavours of her preferred soft - food was failing , and she was eating very little hard - food . She had been spitting up clear foam , and then pinkish foam , so , having taken counsel with the rescue - group of which I am a member , it was decided to treat her for a hairball . I was reluctant to do so . Cammie has just reached the stage at which she will not fight being picked up , as long as she doesn 't remain too long off the floor . Now , I had to pick her up and shoot hairball remedy into her . This is a viscous goop which manufacturers and veterinarians say has a flavour that cats love . Manufacturers and veterinarians are wrong . I treat Renn and Josie regularly with it , and they act as though they are being given their last meal before execution , and the cook ruined the main course . I ambushed Cammie yesterday by picking her up off the dining room chair where she was squatting and taking her to the bathroom . She was stunned by the swiftness of the action and I was able to use a syringe to put the proper amount of goop into her . This morning , she was ready to fight . And yet , she did not . The character of this cat astonishes me . She screamed as though I were cutting her in two . She twisted and turned and pulled . But she didn 't scratch or bite . She could have . Her claws need cutting again and I could have been flayed alive . But once again , I got the required amount of goop into her . After which I carried her - still screaming - to the bedroom where she was placed in isolation . I did it yesterday , too , in order to determine if she ate anything . She is alone in there with a litter - box , food and water . I will be able to tell if she takes anything in at one end or gets rid of it from the other . It may be wishful thinking on my part , but my Siamese princess seemed better this morning than yesterday evening . She was hungrier - though not hungry enough for my liking - and was grooming herself . The day before yesterday , in my first and unsuccessful attempt to give her hairball goop , much of it got on her fur . She was too apathetic to clean it off . This morning , I saw her trying to wash herself . When I left her , she was lying on a cat - tree , and consented to let me stroke her fuzzy head . What a good cat she is . Kola has been experiencing runny poop . I didn 't know it was his until this morning . He is a very clean animal , especially considering his long , airy fur . But this morning , his bum was matted with … unpleasantness . So it was his turn in the bathroom - right into the tub , actually , where I could use a wet cloth and scissors more freely . He fought me more than had Cammie . A tailed animal has a human at a disadvantage , using it to keep their rears covered . I had to keep Kola down with my elbow , use that arm 's hand to hold up the tail and the other hand to clean . Even then , it was tough going - for both of us . Yet after this , the Floof King lie down on the ottoman in the parlour and purred while I stroked his back . I was preparing to go to work . Cammie has been coming into the bathroom to look at the water dribbling from the tap and , periodically , to get a drink from it . She was finished with that chore and jumped down to the rim of the bathtub , over which I habitually drape the bathmat . That was when the action began . Cammie started gagging , the usual hacking , choking sound of an impending vomit . When the other cats commence their little routine , I do one of two things . If I am too far away to affect matters , I let circumstances dictate the results . If near , I try to remove them from upholstery to hardwood or linoleum . I formerly attempted to do this no matter where I was . It merely led to the cats thinking that I was about to murder them for trying to toss a hairball ; so much so , that if I do this now , they cower in fear . That 's not what I want . Besides , I often ended up causing them to run , and throw up as they go . Also not what I want . But I was standing very close to Cammie , so I picked her up to remove her to the floor . My Siamese princess has come a long way in building her trust of people . She will allow me to pick her up without the hissing and growling that once accompanied the action . She still clearly dislikes being handled , and this is demonstrated in the immediate fixing of her claws in whatever material is directly beneath her . In this case , it was the bathmat . On the bathmat was a small ceramic bowl , used to contain water and placed in the bathroom basin at night or when I am absent . It provides water for Tungsten , who may come up onto the counter to drink water from the basin . The bathmat now rose at the same speed as Cammie , while the little bowl went flying off at an angle . This distracted me , and Cammie dropped to the floor . The Camster refused to move forward because not only was Tungsten in the bathroom , bent over the heating vent , but Kola had trotted to the door to see what the matter was . Turning after seeing the bowl break against the bottom of the tub , I didn 't notice that Cammie hadn 't budged , so my foot struck her in the bum . I imagine she thought I had kicked her and she ran out of the room , cursing all and sundry , to throw up on several of the steps down to the basement . Though I was going to be late for work now , I wanted to make sure my princess was all right . She consented to let me spend some time petting her and , later that evening , was on my lap as usual , purring contentedly . Though she looks sad in these pictures , she was , in fact , happy in most of them . She doesn 't hold grudges and understands that things happen . He doesn 't do it all the time . He 's eleven years old and , though that means a certain stateliness begins to be seen in cats , there is plenty of activity left in the Floof King yet . He enjoys the string toy most of all . He will wrestle and roll about with it , trying to bite it . He knows he has no claws in his forepaws , so he uses his feet to pull the toy to his mouth , where he can teach it a lesson . That is his favourite activity but recently , I 've seen another . He is braving the sitting room more , even in the presence of Tucker , and likes a romp with some of the fuzzy mice there . There are several of these in the parlour , too ; I can tell he picks on them because they keep disappearing . I find them when I clean the room and move the furniture . But now Kola has found the fun of a ball . The simple globe , whether a rubbery yellow one or a smaller fuzzy one ( with most of the fuzz chewed off ) , gives him some novel delight . Why a cat will roll a ball into a tight corner where a human must be called upon to rescue it , I don 't know . It 's probably instinctive , like throwing up on upholstered surfaces . Kola doesn 't chase the ball , as Cammie or Tucker will , but will fight with it when on his own , or wait for it to be propelled gently into his long fur , if a human is handy to help in this . The floofy one is an excellent example of how a cat whom veterinarians call ' senior ' can be just as active as a youngster . It 's true that he isn 't tearing up the floorboards with his speed all the time . But there is a vitality about him that has nothing to do with seniority . Kola often thinks like a youngster . I hope to take some pictures of him waiting impatiently to box with me , or excitedly hiding behind the nylon tunnel daring Josie to come and get him . For now , take my word - and these photographs - for it : this is one senior who is not ready for retirement . Tucker has always been timid . He will often come over to me and rub his fuzzy head against my leg , just to tell me he likes me . But if I move as he is approaching - I sometimes don 't see him coming - he will take fright and retreat . Noises startle most cats - except Tungsten - but they scare Tucker and send him seeking cover . Because of Tucker 's physical condition , I check his nether regions now and then , to clean him so as to prevent infection . Naturally , he dislikes this . Last night , I took him into the bathroom to do the necessary chore . He was nervous enough to begin with . Then , I knocked a plastic cup onto the floor . This made the roly poly one scramble for the door . I caught him between my shins , but as I did so , I elbowed a roll of toilet paper off the counter . It struck Tucker on the bum and made him squirm out of my hold . As I turned to grab him , my knee caught the toilet - seat lid , lifted it briefly and dropped it . The bang that resulted shot Tucker out of the bathroom and into the corridor beyond . I managed to seize him , inadvertently taking hold only of his tail . Fortunately , it 's a strong one but it nevertheless caused a squeal . By this time , Cammie and Kola had come to see what the fuss was about . Cammie , who detests any sounds of struggle , was hissing at all and sundry , while Kola appeared to be enjoying the discomfort of his enemy . The others were hiding on the bed in anxiety - except for Tungsten , who was sleeping . A few minutes later , the uproar was forgotten . The cats were settled peacefully again and the roly poly sausage looked like this . Take a bow , Tucker . I can 't remember why I decided that Josie might be a good choice for a second cat . I initially met her in neutral territory : she was brought to the house of a member of the rescue - group of which I am now a member , and I visited her there . I was impressed by her lively and friendly nature . She went from one person to another head - bumping , and purring tremendously . She struck me as a cat who demonstrated her feelings openly and readily . In my home , she was much more subdued . That was not the effect of being introduced to a new environment . That was how she was . Josie has never been unfriendly ; in fact , she has always been very amiable . She enjoys meeting new people and often acts as a greeter to my guests . She likes being petted and fussed over , but her purring was quiet , and I often had to feel her throat to determine if she was happy . She had misled me as to her exuberance . It was lucky for her that I already was too fond of her to return her for another model . In the six and a half years that my Chubs has been with me , she has changed . She has always had an active purr but , as I mentioned , one had to search for it . The affection she may have had for me was demonstrated in a low key . I felt that she was content with her life . Now , things are quite different . Now , Josie will ask for attention as soon as I walk into a room . She will stand , amble about in a circle then flop over on her side . If one didn 't know her , one would conclude that this fat cat had just had a stroke . But no , this is the Great White asking for pets , especially a chin - rub . She previously did not care for chest - rubs , but now submits to them for short periods . She will waddle over to me periodically and rub against me , a relatively new development . And her purr starts quickly , when the top of her bristly head is scratched , and will build in strength and volume , becoming a strong , two - tone thrumming , a deep bass providing a background for a tenor . Has it taken Josie this long to feel secure ? Or is it merely a matter of a cat changing with age , mellowing , as a young adult human might as he advances into his middle years ? Josie will be twelve this summer , which I think is a good age for a cat . She is confident of her place in the household , unafraid of the foster - cats , respectful of Tungsten 's top position , holding her own in disagreements with Renn over the nylon tunnel and even playful now and then with Tucker . At last , when I pet my Chubs , I see again that enthusiastic cat I met for the first time long ago . I 'm happy that she has returned . But then , she had never really been away , had she ? I 've published pictures of Kola sitting in a box , but they don 't convey how comfortable he can become in his cardboard container . His latest piece of furniture is the lid from a mandarin orange box . This one , in keeping with the continual cheapening of everything provided to consumers , is as thin as it can be without being called paper . Therefore , it is relatively pliable . This quality may contribute to its popularity with the Floof King . He will lie in his box in preference to the heated towels with which the comfy couch in the parlour is provided , though he may resort to them in the chill of a night . During the day , however , he enjoys his box , not minding at all that his face is resting on a nearly knife - like edge . I don 't know if he actually sleeps in this position , but he may , perhaps when left undisturbed while I am absent and the other cats excluded from the parlour . He certainly rests in it for extended periods , and clearly suffers no discomfort . The other beasts will examine the box - lid , and Cammie periodically steps into it and sits , a little self - consciously . It is , however , to Kola that the box belongs , and he takes full advantage of it . I think if I were to provide it with soft sides and a downy bottom , he would abandon it . Sometimes a mancat just likes to rough it . Cats are very expressive , as we all know , and have a thousand ways of telling us what they are feeling . Despite this , I , at least , am at a loss as to their desires half the time . But I am aware of the slowly whapping tail and what it means . Kola , for instance , loves being petted , having my fingers run firmly down his spine . But when he 's had enough , his floofy tail starts slapping the surface on which he is lying . It 's time for me to stop . Yet this indication of annoyance is not universal . Cats are individuals and Josie is no exception . She enjoys being fussed over , and receiving chin rubs more than most other attention . She has an interesting tail ; I call it a rat - tail because it is so wide at the base and is short , relative to her body . It 's thick and strong . And she whaps it when she is enjoying her attention . At first I thought I was doing something wrong . But stopping led to unmistakeable protests , while resumption returned the tail to whapping . My Chubs will lie on my lap for quite a while , almost still , and bask in the good feelings of a chin - rub . All the time , her tail is slowly whapping . Her complaints are more vocal than visual , and why she uses her tail the way she does , I don 't know . If I were less acquainted with her , it would be misleading . It simply goes to show that cats are indeed individuals and , though we can generalise about them , to be fully aware of each , we must learn about each . The same may be written about people . As an addendum , another interesting thing about Josie 's tail is its pattern and colour . It is ringed , black and what I call ' tabby grey ' , with a black stripe down the length of its top . I recently saw a picture of another cat who had Josie 's body colouring ( white with ' tabby grey ' patches ) and a very similar tail . This little beast lived two thousand miles away , so a family resemblance was most unlikely . I wonder if the pattern of tail accompanies the type of body colouring . I think I may have mentioned previously that Tungsten will warm herself over the heating vents . Her favourite spot for this has become the bathroom . This is due to an unusual reason . In order to keep her weight up , she is offered a hard - food that appeals to her more than the other hard - food I give her roommates . It 's tasty , and therefore appeals to the other beasts , as well , but I don 't want them eating as much of it as Tungsten should . So she is fed her meals , whenever she likes , in splendid isolation - in the bathroom . While there , she discovered the heating vent , that , she undoubtedly reasoned , was similar to the one in the bedroom , which she frequented last winter . She now may be found in the bathroom enjoying the warm air , or waiting to enjoy it . She has her heated cat - bed , of course , and that 's for extended periods . It does its job admirably , and I am glad to have it . But there is something extra pleasant about a draught of warm air . It 's like a breeze from summer in the cold winter . Naturally , Tungsten wants to experience it as much as possible . But there is something pathetic about an old cat lying on a vent , waiting patiently for warmth . I think she is trying to embarrass me into keeping the heat on all the time . If she shows up with a tiny shopping cart full of tinier tin cans and bottles in bags , I may have to give in . . . Another year has begun , and that of course means another has ended . Today is the Twelfth Day of Christmas , and tomorrow is Epiphany . I took down my Christmas decorations yesterday . This is always a bit of a melancholy moment for me , as the special time that is the Yuletide is now done . I remember when I was a boy , I used to sit and look at the Christmas tree with all of its light illuminated . Last evening , I noticed someone else doing that . I tend to think of Tucker as the baby of my feline family . He 's not the youngest ; Renn is . But his shape and his behaviour , and the sounds he makes , tend to give the impression of a tubular , furry infant . It was perhaps fitting then that I saw the roly poly one gazing at the Christmas tree , just before it came down . He was not looking at it as Renn had done . My big boy stared at it as if it were interesting , intriguing . Tucker looked at it with wonder . He was probably trying to decide if there was something on it he could eat . But he looked innocent and awestruck . In a way , Noah is like his biblical namesake . Just as that Noah took it on faith that there would be a flood , so this Noah has faith that he will be adopted . Now two and a half , this black and brown tabby , described as " beautiful " by some , has been waiting for a while for his permanent home . He 's curious , and enjoys watching and exploring ; he 's active , and chases crumpled paper and fuzzy mice ; he 's loving , and will lie beside you , purring while you gently rub his neck . Like the gentleman in the Bible , our Noah has a deadline : his foster - guardians are not staying permanently in town , and when they leave , he will have nowhere to go . The rain will start falling for Noah , and he needs his safe and warm ark . Will it be your home ? If you live in Lethbridge , Alberta , and would like to meet him , contact PAW at 403 - 328 - 6700 or fill out an adoption inquiry at http : / / pawsociety . com / adoptForm . html . Oh , and if want to bring two loving animals out of the rain , Noah has a foster - brother , Spottie . Just in case we started you thinking about pairs . . . Remember |
Well fortunately no broken toys , but we did have a time rounding up everything . Because of my brother 's family move into their new home , but because of the timing , they have been busy packing and packing things . With much of their furniture and unnecessary items being put into storage , like two large storage locker 's worth . The good thing is the children are off from school so the two oldest could help their Mother pack things while the younger ones taped the boxes up or boxed the unbreakable stuff like books , CD 's and DVD 's although my Sister in law said they wasted more tape taping themselves . And of course boxing up the Summer clothing . Monica said that except for the boxes for the first time in ages the house is uncluttered . Dinner was wonderful , and with so many guests , and we had friends dropping over just in time to enjoy dessert , which fortunately I had plenty of . I thought all the children wanted to watch movies but instead they surprised me with wanting to play card games instead , like " Squeak " , " Go Fish " and " Old Maid " and other card games to match up the same sets of cards . I had Christmas music on CD 's of Christmas music boxes , played low so to not intrude , but it was nearly midnight when people began to leave , I had my brother and his family stay overnight it would be a long tiring drive back and they did not have to work the next day so it worked out very nicely . Also Monica said that by not dealing with the children during the week Monica and my brother could rotate days off while work was being done on both houses . Although some work was being done now on their old house before the new owners moved in at the end of January . Monica also told me that by having things in boxes she could go through each box and weed out old stuff or things they 've never used and donate them . It made sense to me . CONAD 's main office was based in Colorado , and back then the local branch of the Department Store Sears and Roebuck was running an ad that said Call Santa any time day or night and Santa will talk to you . Now you have to remember back in the 1950 's our telephone numbers were a combination of name exchanges and numbers such as KEllogg 2 - 5554 The Exchange being Kellogg or Neptune or Cherry Hill or something like that and followed by numbers , there was no thing as area codes back then . And everything was run through a human operator . Fortunately the commander at that time at first upset but then understanding , assigned airmen to answer the phone as Santa Claus around the clock . After that first encounter CONAD ( later NORAD in 1958 ) decided to set aside a specific phone number every Christmas Season and advertise it as a direct link to Santa 's North Pole State so various military volunteer elves could tell little children where Santa was on his travels . And from that happy accident a tradition was born . But it 's more than just it being Christmas , it 's a time to celebrate being family and friends , being there for each other in good times and in bad . Both my sister and Doyle are going to call family members today , to their children and grandchildren , I will be alone this coming weekend as they both travel to see them . But not really alone , just glad for the feeling of happiness that seems to be filling this house , and which I hope invades other houses as well . So I made the meat loaf , refrigerated it and saw that I needed more salad fixings and French bread . Sis came over for coffee as I put together a simple list , and announced " I still need to get my flu shot ! " Oh Dear I thought , she is going to be down for the count over the weekend , flu shots do that to her . And she brought over two plastic bags of things to donate to the charity shop , " I don 't want to go to the Kaiser Clinic in Oakland " she said " I want to go to the one in Alameda , then I can drop off these things " well that works for me we could go to the Trader Joe 's there as well . But by the time we left we knew that the Flu shot clinic would be closed until the afternoon , so we grabbed lunch , went to Trader Joe 's , then the clinic , afterwards we 'd stop at the charity shop . I think my sister is getting a bit fussy of late , once she got her shot she asked for a lollipop , no we don 't give lollipops " Well " she said " If I 'm going to be poked and prodded and get a painful needle in my shoulder , I want a lollipop ! " I realized she was teasing the nurse , sweet young thing that she was , but to save the young dear from further confusion I said " Come along sister dear , I 'll buy you a lollipop " and out into the rain we went . When we got into the car I turned to her and said " You just Had to give her trouble didn 't you . " and she smiled and replied " Once we get to a certain age we should be humored , we 've earned it . " And I 'm her older sister . I remarked " You 're getting as bad as me . " " Why not " she said " I 've learned from the best " and I saw she had a smile on her face . We finally turned onto the street that had the charity shops and I looked ahead at the rain clouded sky and was puzzled by such a high plume of what I thought was smoke , even Sis mentioned it . Then it dawned on my that wasn 't smoke , smoke just drifts , this was falling down , this was a high plume of water shooting at least 20 feet up ! We stood underneath the store 's overhang and watched a little bit while police directed traffic and the firemen dealt with the hydrant , but it appeared to be completely sheared off , what a waste of water I thought , even though it was raining , still it was a waste of water . Then Sis tugged at my coat sleeve and pointed out some Christmas ornaments she saw through the store window , I realized that they were old and matched perfectly the one 's that were on the family parlor tree , there were a half dozen of them , so we went back in and I immediately selected them and looked for more that were like that but that was all there was of that style . So besides having a bit of excitement I found some lovely vintage Christmas ornaments as well , and now they are on the family tree and Sis resting in the parlor on the couch curled up with a blanket for warmth with Belladonna and Weiner Dog doing guard dog duty on the couch while she naps . I 'll pop the meat loaf into the oven in a half hour , on a day like today comfort food is what is needed . Sticking a needle here and there , I almost felt like a pin cushion ! But my co - workers were happy to see me they are planning a Christmas Party tomorrow so I will drop in and most likely take the public transportation to get there . The family came over Monday afternoon and evening , to decorate the trees , the children had to first finish their homework assignments before helping out , but the teachers seem to be easing off a bit , since their school will be letting out soon . I had Chris and Coralline work on the Family Parlor tree , while the adults worked on the taller one in the formal parlor . With Sis , their Mother and I rotating between the two , finally in the end we let the twins toss the tinsel onto the trees , needless to say lighted by just the tree lights they are a glorious sight ! And everyone was hungry as well , it seems that tree decorating can build up an appetite , I microwaved plain popcorn so the children could string them up onto the family tree , but I think half of it went into their tummies or fell on the floor for Belladonna and Weiner Dog to eat and sometimes cough up . After most of the fun and silliness was over , I had the boys play a board game they were familiar with , which got most of their excess energy out ( mostly for the twins ) while Coralline preferred to play with the dogs , in a mild game of " chase the ball " . I did ask Monica if she had the twins tested for hyper - activity and she said she did and was advised to reduce as much as possible their sugar intake , and they were much better . Maybe I 'm getting old , but even she said they were still bouncing balls and thought that maybe getting them involved in more sports or something to work it off would be helpful , she didn 't want them in football and baseball would be too tame so it was suggested basketball , it 's indoors , can be played year round a lot of running and team building . I said that 's fine for the school year but what about holidays and summer , she and my brother were looking at a local boys club for that as well at the Parks and Recreation dept . offerings . Chris seems to like track and field , and he and his Dad do jogging , not too intensely but enough to burn off calories . Monica told me that they are going back to visit the house they are buying , well really the elderly lady who is currently living there . It seems she wants one last Christmas and New Years in her home before moving . " She wants to finish the old year in her home and start the new year in her son 's house but she also wants to tell us about each room , I 'm going to record what she says , and take notes , I want to be able to capture the history of the house as well . " I thought that was an excellent idea . I asked about the furniture in the house and Monica said " that 's the odd thing , all she wants to take is just her bedroom furniture and her dishware and silverware , a lot of it is very expensive and I guess she wants her son to have that , but he said he didn 't want the furniture and it really goes with the house " I asked if that was going to be extra and Monica said that from what is understood it is part of the price of the house , the son said it saves the cost of moving . Which leaves Monica with the question of her furniture and I asked about that and she gave me the " eye " . " What furniture ? After 4 children , 3 of them boys , I 'm surprised anything has survived , but it will be different in the ' new ' house " The basement will be designated the Play area and Man cave , and will be strictly enforced " Including your brother he 's just as much to blame " she said . And I laughed out loud when she said that . My brother looked sheepishly at me and said " Well you know the rules ' If Mama ain 't happy nobody 's happy ' " and I said to him " Well it went further - - - If Mama ain 't happy , nobody 's happy and if Grandma ain 't happy RUN ! ! " And I reminded him of the mischief that he and our late older brother got into and Grandma swatting them with her broom , it took a long time to get that purple paint removed and covered . That 's one story I 'm not going to get into , but Grandma never liked the color purple for a room ever again . Oh if I relayed all the scrapes we as children got into it would take a very long year to tell . We were not bad but we did get into mischief . I think that is why I like the movie " A Christmas Story " , so much of it I can relate to . We 've been taking our time putting up the lights , well really I have , I managed the family parlor tree , Doyle was called into work but he 'll be home in time to help out with the formal parlor tree , then slowly bit by bit I 've been putting the ornaments on the family tree . My team of " Merry Maids " saw the trees and I said " Just vacuum the needles and do the bathrooms , and the main hall . Everything else can be done the next time " One of my " maids " finished and then helped me unpack and dust the manger scene , remarking how old it is , and she 's right , it was my great Aunt 's , Mom and Dad 's went to my brother and he carefully has it on display in his home , none of the children do a " Mr . Bean " with the manger display . Not even the twins upon penalty of dismemberment . The children did most of their home work before they came over , then afterwards we went to a local Christmas Tree Lane and enjoyed the displays there . Finally returning to my home , where the children completed their homework around the dinning room table , followed by fresh baked cookies , courtesy of my Sister and hot chocolate . My brother said that he wanted to take in the lights before the heavy storm hits , " Gonna be a lot of damaged home displays . " he remarked . As we settled into the family parlor we chatted about our holiday plans , when Chris remarked " Going to school makes it hard to enjoy all the holiday events that 's out there . " So I said that 's why it 's best to pick and chose , rotate the events around each year . " But not the Dickens Faire ! " he exclaimed , much to both mine and his parents surprise so I said " Never the Dickens ' Faire . " and he settled back contentedly with a 2nd cup of hot chocolate . My brother said that he had battery lamps ready just in case and with having a gas stove no need to worry about cooking . The twins were saying how they hope it storms and blows things down and such and Sis said " You would not be saying that if you were in the middle of a hurricane like I was . " and she proceeded to tell them of her adventures when she was in Florida on a business trip and what happened . Seeing the children 's ' eyes get big amused me , and Coralline said " Auntie you could have been killed ! " Sis said " Right I could of been and if I have to go to Florida again I 'll choose a different time of year . " After a while we saw the eyes droop on the children so we said our goodbye 's until the weekend . But before Sis left I asked her " Was that hurricane all that bad ? You never said it was . " and she replied " I didn 't want to upset you , you would have told Mother and she 'd demand I come home ! " and she would have too . I 've been outside and with Brian 's help we 've been making sure things are secure and won 't get blown away . On the Christmas lights well we 'll just have to chance it , there has been talk by our weather man of very strong winds up to 60 miles an hour coming with the next storm front . That will make for a miserable commute . These people are not using any common sense and while the free way was jammed up a woman went into labor , a man had a heart attack and another man had a stroke , with that I do not consider those demonstrations as being peaceful but life endangering . No just no common sense at all . But then Berkeley has never been the city of common sense , not from my personal experience . I mean think of it Darklings , the Grand old man of Gothicness , and frightening films , doing Heavy Metal Christmas Carols ? How perfectly Dark ! Now if he would just record the 13 days of Halloween it would be perfect ! I was up early this morning , enjoying the fresh cold air and watching the clouds being painted with a soft baby pink with soft baby blue sky behind it , something only the very best of Victorian painters could only hope to capture . And the wonderful sense of stillness before anyone had to scurry off to work today . I enjoy moments like that . It will mean that the children are going to be changing schools , but my brother said that he will have them finish out the school year at their current schools and do the change during the Summer break , moving will be enough of a change for them , even though it means commuting to get them to school and making arrangements with their soon to be former neighbors to pick the children up and watch them after school lets out , but they and the neighbors children are good friends , it will mean that any after school events are out unless the neighbors children are also involved . And instead of them taking nearly an hour to come to my place or to go to work , it will only be 15 minutes , much closer to where my brother and sister in law work and her aunt is close by to pick up the children from school and monitor them ( mostly the two younger ones ) Coralline was just bursting with this news " It 's a Victorian Auntie ! ! ! A Victorian ! ! ! " And my brother said " And it needs work that is why we got it at such a very good price " , the good thing he said is that the foundation is earthquake resistant , because nothing is proof . But the first thing it will need is a new roof " it has a leak or two , but the whole roof will have to be replaced " The sale of their current house will cover the purchase of the new one , pay off the RV and still give them funds for some of the major work that needs to be done on the house . When is the move going to happen they don 't exactly know , but it will be as soon as the elderly owner moves into her son 's home , but it could be at least a month possibly more . In the mean time bids are coming in fast and furious on my brother 's house , " We 're going to have to store stuff for a while until we can move in " he said and I said " You can always stay with me " Sis chimed in and said that if it was too much for my house they could also split staying at her house with my brother and the boys with her and Monica and Coralline at my house . He asked if he could come with Sis , his Mom , Coralline and me to the Dickens ' fair , we were planning to do it yesterday and next weekend . I said that was fine and his face brightened up as he said " Auntie said its O . K . Mom ! " My brother gave me the evil eye and said " So I 'm stuck with the twins while we watch the Battle of the Bay ? " I said " teach them how hard it is to catch a football in the rain or cheer for one Bay Area team or the other . " It happened slowly with him asking Coralline about Victorian things , Monica told me that Coralline has been helping him and they research it together . " And the Twins ? " I asked , " Still sports nuts , rooting for the 49 ' ers , Raiders , A 's and Giants , they still bounce off the walls , of course your brother doesn 't help . " but she told me he also encourages my nephews ' new interest . I was surprised at that news because earlier when the exhibit opened we all had gone together to see it earlier in the year , of course the twins were like well like any young group of boys " Gross and neat " . " Now he wants to go to see the History section over at the Museum but without the Twins to bug them " I said I 'd be happy to take him and Coralline to see the exhibits there . Monica was grateful for that , it would take pressure off of her . After they left I talked this over with my sister and she said " He 's growing up , finding his interest , who knows where it will take him " Sunday we went to the Dickens Fair and he got hooked ! It was amusing to see his head just turning this way and that , trying to take it all in , but the presentations in Mr . Dickens ' Parlor where we saw a magic show , the Adventures Club and the one that does Jules Vern type things grabbed his attention . I think Archie the Sea Monster tickled his fancy , he was studying the displays and asking very serious questions from one of the gentlemen there who very kindly answered each and every one , he was so intrigued that at the Book Shop I found a copy of " Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea " , and surprised him with it , much to his delight . As we ate Fish and Chips I told him that in reading Vern , Doyle and Dickens he 'll get an idea of how they spoke back then , but Coralline was not left out , I bought her a cape and gloves for her as well as a purse , my nephew didn 't know how , for his age he should dress , but we did get some suggestions from the clothier , how he could build up his own costume for next weekend . Of course they had to play the children 's games and saw the characters from Dickens ' novels come to life , so I decided that I would go to Barnes and Nobel and get them each a copy of " A Christmas Carol " , they have reproductions in beautiful bindings . But by 7 p . m . it was getting late for them and with one last meal for their dinner and some roasted Chestnuts to eat on their way home , the two of them could not stop talking about what they saw . We arrived at my home where my brother , Doyle and the Twins had watched the football game , the twins talked about the game but their older brother told them about the giant squid ! Monica asked about other Victorian houses in the area where during the year they could take tours , and I mentioned a few such as the Pardee Mansion , Ardenwood Farm , and a few others and said I 'd be happy to gather up the information and we could make plans . Sunday Sis and I along with Monica and Coralline will be going to the Dickens ' Fair and try and squeeze in the Nutcracker and Dunsmuir house as well during this season . I 'm afraid this year will be missing " A Christmas Carol " but the Dickens ' Fair will cover that in a way . And I found out that this weekend will be the lighting of the Christmas Tree lane in our neighboring town , so we 'll take that in . While there has been a break in the weather Doyle and our neighbor Mellissa 's Dad has been helping Doyle put up the Christmas lights outside , Lot 's of lights . Although Doyle was able to put up some before Thanksgiving , he 's doing more on some of the fencing and such , and he bought a " live fir " wreath for the front door , very Victorian with a bright Red bow with gold trim . Sis didn 't have any clients today so we went to TJMax to shop for new luggage for her , she 's planning to visit her family but in January since there will be several birthdays to celebrate so it will be squeezed into one weekend . What I do is I take a photo of my purchases , give them a number , then if it is to go with something in particular , the item goes into my special bag to protect it and is put with the item , dress usually in question , but then the assigned number and photo goes into a master book so I 'll know exactly what I have and where it is , and what it goes with . The Kors bag and the shoes will be kept together since they will match a number of my outfits , but the vintage beaded purse will go with that vintage gown I have . It helps to have a huge closet or with the advantage of my house , a room for all of that . Yes Darklings looking fantastic , well dressed at any age takes work , but it 's worth it . just remembered I need to put postage stamps on the list . Last night we stayed up to watch Svengoolie 's presentation of " The Black Cat " 1934 with Karloff and Lugosi , perhaps one of the best Art Deco styled and Goth horror films I 've ever watched , Karloff with that sibilant evil lisp and Lugosi giving one of the best monologue performances in the end as his character is dying , it is broken up in a way , and only runs just over an hour , as I understand it the Head Office was concerned about some of the scene 's that would have really tied the movie up better but they insisted on having it re - filmed . But still in the Bright Art Deco sets , that sense of dark evil hanging over it . " The wisdom of the most sagacious ancient Greeks , the wisdom of the most perceptive rabbis of ancient Canaan , and all the parables of Christ teach us to believe not in justice , but in truth . In a world of rampant lying , where so many lies are used to inflame passions and justify false grievances , the indiscriminate pursuit of justice leads sooner of later to insanity , mass murder , and the ruin of entire civilizations . Therefore , those who wish to punish the current and future generations for the inequities of a generation long gone , and who equate justice with revenge , are the most dangerous people in the world . " I think we have had another demonstration of this hunt for alleged " justice " and it satisfies no one , it only separates things further , it does not bring things together . It only hurts those who are trying to make it in this world , it only harms those who live thousands of miles away or only 1 mile from the original " flashpoint " . I do not have any answers but I do know that change must come from within , within a community , within a family , within an individual , some people call it and I just recently heard it again , " the broken window " theory , if one window is broken then others think its o . k . to break the other windows until a house , a building , a block and eventually an entire neighborhood is broken . But if people come together to fix that broken window to turn in the evil doer who broke it , then it turns back the evil that seeks to creep into the neighborhood and into people 's souls . It 's like cancer , most cancers can be cured if caught early enough and gone after aggressively enough , I should know , I 've survived two bought 's of cancer because I suspected something and I and my doctor went after it aggressively and I 've been cancer free for 10 years . Education is the first step , encouraging children to stay in school is the second , helping people become independent is the third and a community working together to achieve that is what it takes . The holidays are tough times for many people trying to make it , and I and those I love support those organizations that help those in need . And that is a good way to give to others , because little things as imperceptible as they may be can reap huge rewards that reach out to millions . And we have to start by fixing one broken window . The house is sparkling inside and out because Doyle decided to put up the white lights outside last weekend , everything is warm and cozy and Doyle has gone to get our " go - to " Chinese Dinner which we will enjoy . Right now as we wait , Sis , Louise , her friend Carol and I are going to relax with some tea as we listen to 1920 's jazz playing on my old fashion looking radio that plays C . D 's And then we all decided that we need to watch an old - fashioned Sherlock Holmes movie , maybe two , with Basil Rathbone . It 's that kind of evening . We feel thankful for the blessings we have received , we 've had our ups and downs , our joys and grief 's , we 've been luckier than most , but we don 't take it for granted . Part of our thing is we took 4 fresh turkeys yesterday to one of the vital soup kitchens to serve food for those not so lucky , we 've donated to the Food Pantry as well , there are some charities that will be needing financial help this Holiday Season and we 'll contribute to them , Toys for Tots , a program for wounded warriors and others . But we don 't do it just during the holidays , but all year long , its just that this time of year is when things are becoming at its darkest and we must continue to shed light to drive darkness away , we must bring love to take away hate , we must give healing to take away pain , we must give courage to replace fear . His office advised that unless you had to be in the field to do your reports from home . Which he is , all of Sis 's afternoon clients today cancelled , so after the last one we went via a different route to the store to get a few last things . And we were surprised at how calm and peaceful it was in the store , people looking over the baked pies and strudel to buy for Thursday 's Thanksgiving , picking over celery , potatoes , yams ( which I bought , I completely forgot about the yams ) , even flowers . I found some scented candles in cinnamon and vanilla so I bought those . And I found the latest issue of " Guns of the Old West " winter issue , for Doyle , it talks about the history of various people outlaws and law men , recreational reading for Doyle . But it was the calmness that I found refreshing , the complete ordinariness of it all . For the people here it was as if nothing had happened , the people here have their own lives to lead , budgets to maintain , a turkey to defrost and roast . Let us be thankful for that . Sis does not have any appointments scheduled tomorrow and she would have cancelled them anyway until things settled down . I know that sounds callous and cruel but really , does anyone remember what happened after that decision ? I know I was not happy about it , I know a number of people were not happy about it , but I don 't remember any protests . Do you ? Tensions are high , riots are expected . Of course there will be marches , but there are criminal elements showing up to do harm and destruction . Already several persons from out of town were arrested in Ferguson for having weapons and bomb making or pipe bomb devises . What I do object to is how these situations give destructive , violent people access to place everyone in jeopardy . Many of the protestors that were doing destruction were from out of town . And they weakened the message of the " Occupy " movement . Doyle having been a former police officer ( retired ) knows the stresses that can happen , knows the split decision making , knows that there are a lot of good cops out there , and that there are bad one 's that should be removed . But to tar them all with the same brush ? Unless one has walked in a police officers shoes , face the dangers they face , realize the stupidity and self - entitlement the perpetrators think they have which can create a dangerous situation , then do not do a Monday morning quarter - backing . One time I and my brother ( younger ) were stopped by a police officer , we followed everything the officer said carefully , we listened carefully to what he was saying , we kept our hands out where he could see them , we did not make any false moves that could be misinterpreted . It turned out that our car was the same make , model and color of one that was just used in a robbery where someone was shot . Two white persons were involved , it was believed one was female . In the end the officers apologized to us and Thanked Us for our co - operation , and just as we were about to get into the car we heard that the actual robbers had been captured . It does not matter what color you are , always have I . D . always comply with orders because those police officers are under stress , if you are handcuffed do not resist because it is for everyone 's safety . And if you have nothing to hide , if you are telling the truth , your stories will match . But the minute you start hiding the truth , its all over . I do wish the " COPS " show was still being shown on regular broadcast T . V . because it is a learning lesson of what not to do , and WHY criminals are caught . I remember watching the show and I would cheer for the police dog . That may sound vicious , but they can go where no officer can , and they are considered officers as well . I donate to the program for police vests for police dogs . I am an aging Goth , this blog is a diary about how I grew up as an aging goth in the late 1950 's , 60 's and 70 's before being Goth became Kool or whatever it 's called now . I 'm in my 60 's having been born when UFO 's crashed into Roswell , New Mexico . If that isn 't auspiscious then I don 't know what is . I 'm going to post my thoughts about a style of Goth that I don 't see around here , what I call the Art Deco , Retro aka Corporate Goth . It 's not going to be difinitive because I 'll be talking about it from an Elderly point of view . I 'll also be posting about what is currently happening in my life , my interest 's and strange things . |
Well , it 's been months since my last post . I have to apologize for that . I really don 't have an excuse other than life got in the way . I can 't tell you how many times I sat down to write and just couldn 't focus long enough to actually finish a thought . I had so many good ideas and things I wanted to write about , but not enough time . So here I am , apologizing yet again for a long absence . I do hope that doesn 't happen again anytime soon . Now , on to other things . We have been working very hard on potty training my son . He 's done great … with exception of pooping on the potty . He still insists on pooping in a diaper . I don 't know why and he can 't explain it , but he refuses to sit on the potty to poop . It really has been a struggle and I 've tried to be patient , however I am tired of changing diapers . It 's one of the major reasons I 'm glad Mr . X is our last baby . I 'm past the point where I really want to deal with diapers and wipes . He 'll be four in a couple of weeks and I have been pushing so hard for him to be fully potty trained by then . It hasn 't worked , at all . He still puts up a good fight and ultimately I don 't want him to be afraid to poop , so I give in and he gets a diaper . The other night we had a long discussion about how he can poop on the potty and it 'll be great . I let him know how proud I 'd be if he would just try to go on the potty . He shook his head and insisted that there was " no more poop inside " . That 's been his favorite excuse lately . He swears that he 'll never need to poop again because he 's already squeezed it all out . It 's rather cute listening to him explain this . He finished explaining his lack of poop and then bounced off to his room . About an hour later he comes out of his room , stomps into the bathroom and then heads back to his room . He 's in his room for maybe ten more minutes before coming back out . As a parent I just know when they 've done something horrible . I can tell by the way they walk and the expressions on their faces . This was one of those moments . Mr . X had this look . The look that says " I did something bad and don 't want to tell you " . To further his point , he maneuvers himself into the corner between his room and the bathroom . Of course he doesn 't say a word . He just looks at me . At this point I really don 't want to get up and look . I figure if I can ask enough questions maybe my husband will get up and look . If he looks , he has to deal with the issue . Typically this tactic works , but not this round . My dear husband is completely ignoring the situation . I got up and headed toward his bedroom . In my head I 'm hearing the Imperial March ( We 've been on a Star Wars kick in my house lately ) . It feels like I 'm walking to my doom . As I get closer I can smell it . He stinks like no other . I peek into his room as he points to his floor . Right there , smack dab in the middle of the floor is a trail of poop . I kinda lost it there . I don 't really know what I said or how I managed to find the carpet cleaner and disinfectant . I do know there was a lot of slamming of cupboards and stomping of feet . I managed to get the carpet cleaned and then moved on to the boy . We marched into the bathroom and I find more mess . There , in the middle of the bathroom floor is a pile of clothes . I can tell they have been somehow tarnished by poop . I look a little closer and sure enough , there inside the underwear is a lemon sized poop squished into a chocolate kiss shape . At the time I didn 't think it was cute . Looking back now I can appreciate that he was only trying to help . He did what he thought he should do . I just wish he 'd have grabbed me before changing his own pants . Uggh . So not only did the boy poop in his pants , but he also got it on the bedroom carpet , bathroom floor and dirtied another set of clothes . Yeah , it was working out to be a great night . I pulled off his pants and got him all cleaned up and changed into pajamas . I marched him to his bedroom and tucked him in for a video before bed . I gave him snuggles and then headed off for some much needed seclusion . Sometimes you just gotta walk away to maintain your sanity . Usually the kids know to leave me alone when I 'm in the bath . That 's mommy time and they get in trouble for interrupting . Evidently , Mr . X didn 't think it applied at the time . About 20 minutes later there 's a knock at my door . How can anyone resist that ? ! Angry or not , you don 't pass up snuggles . I drained the tub , got ready for bed and headed back into my room . There on my bed , snuggled with my special blanket that Miss Lulu gave me for Christmas , was my little Mr . X . Sound asleep . I crawled in next to the guy and cuddled him . All my frustration and anger was gone . It didn 't take long for me to drift into my own poop free dreamland . If you haven 't already noticed from my posts , my life is a bit busy and somewhat chaotic at times . Okay , well most of the time . I spend 99 % of my time doing something . Whether that 's creating a project with my kids , playing a game , running errands in town or planning my next Girl Scout meeting , I am consistently busy . I rarely have downtime and when I do have a few moments , I like to spend them with my family . I love being a Mom . It 's truly the best thing I 've ever done in my life . With all this chaos in my world , there are definitely things that slip through the cracks and even those I intentionally put off . In particular , I push aside my housework . When you enter my house you won 't see an immaculate sitting room . You won 't see granite counter tops or gorgeous tile flooring . You won 't see expensive vases or sculptures . I don 't have paintings worth more than my life savings on the wall . What you will see is a lovely home . You will see my son 's snow boots kicked to the side of the door , as if he ran right out of them . My daughter has likely tossed her winter coat over the back of the couch and dropped her school bag on the floor . My dining table is cluttered with markers , crayons and construction paper . My walls hold pieces of art that are priceless only to me . The counter tops in my kitchen inevitably have remnants of jelly toast or peanut butter sandwiches . My floors ? My floors are strewn with toys . If you 're not careful you may step on a Lego . You will see my home . You will see where my children play , create and use their imaginations . You may even be lucky enough to see one of Ms . Lulu 's science experiments in progress . You will see where my son learns his alphabet and numbers . You will see where they sing and dance . You will see the blankets they use when they curl up and read their books . Is my house a spotless showroom ? Nope . Not at all . In fact , I couldn 't tell you the last time I cleared off the computer desk . However , it is a home . It is a place where my kids can just be kids . They can let their imaginations roam and create pieces of art . They can ice cupcakes without fear of a mess on the floor . They can leave a science experiment on the counter for four days hoping they grow diamonds . Is my home a complete disaster ? Of course not . It 's a clean and tidy home for my family . I just don 't come home every day and spend hour upon hour cleaning . I refuse to spend the short time I have in the evenings cleaning up the chaos . I would much rather teach my daughter to play Yahtzee or try to out roar my son who seems to think he 's a dinosaur this week . I want my kids to remember spending time together . I want them to grow up and look forward to teaching their kids what happens when you mix vinegar and baking soda . I don 't want them to be so concerned about the mess that they miss these fun moments . I don 't want to be so caught up in cleaning and organizing that I miss these moments . I refuse to worry about cleaning up the mess while they are small and still full of wonder . The mess will be there tomorrow . I can always clean it then . My children will only be children once and I will miss that when it 's gone . I certainly won 't trade that for a spotless home . My daughter started daycare at 3 months old and has been exposed to other kids her entire life . She attends public school , Girl Scouts and many other outside activities . One of the major fears I have always had as a parent was dealing with those childhood epidemics . No , not chickenpox or the flu . I can deal with the itchies and puke . I fear things like pink eye . The things that spread like wildfire . At first it 's just one child and within minutes you have an entire class infected . I know that pink eye is totally curable and really , if I think about it , it 's one of the less gross afflictions of childhood . But the whole idea of an oozy eye and having to put eye drops in my child 's eyes while they are screaming … yeah I 'll take puke any day . In prior years we 've lucked out . We had one bout of pink eye with our son when he was a year old . That was not my idea of fun , but thankfully my husband handled the majority of that . This year … we were not as lucky . While my husband was out of town , I had to combat my nemesis of childhood ailments . Well , not so much an ailment but rather an infestation . Yep . I had the pleasure of treating my daughter for head lice . Ugh ! Did you just cringe ? I know I did . The mere mention of head lice gives me the creeps . Even as I write this , my head is itching and we 've been clear for three weeks . Something about little bugs crawling around my scalp just freaks me out . That and it takes FOREVER to treat for them . I remember how long it took when we ended up with it as kids . It was awful . So when the school called me and informed me they were sending home the majority of my daughter 's class , I could have cried . Secretary : Hi , I have Alexis here in the office . It seems we 're facing our third outbreak of head lice for the second grade class . ( I was cringing at this point . My stomach had pretty much dropped and I was about halfway to a panic attack . Yes . I realized it could be worse and I was totally acting crazy . ) I 'm not certain she has lice but she does have some red marks behind her ears . Now , it could be her headband she 's been wearing all day . She 's not sure . But we just don 't want to take a chance . So there was a chance it wasn 't lice . My mind was racing . I had checked her not but two days prior . It was all part of our daily process . When we received a notice the school had the first lice outbreak , I went through the whole lecture with my daughter . " Don 't share brushes or hair ties … or hats or anything that touches your head . Do not rub heads with your friends . You really don 't want bugs in your hair do you ? ! " Of course , that totally freaked her out . I strive not to pass my crazy onto my kids , but in this case , I made an exception . My daughter 's hair is just as thick as mine is and I really did not want to have to pick through it with a nit comb . We started a daily process of looking through her hair . I could not believe I had missed it . I had failed to catch something so vital . I was in a full panic as I explained to my boss that I had to leave work . My heart was racing and I was about to have a major breakdown … in public . I raced to my car and dialed my sister . I rushed through an explanation and let her know we would be spending the afternoon decontaminating . If Lexi had it then chances were her house was contaminated too . After hanging up with her I took off toward the school . Thankfully , her school is about 10 - 15 minutes from work so I had time to calm myself . By the time I had gotten to the school I was in a much better place . I could breathe and I didn 't feel like a total failure . I was still holding out hope it was just her headband . I had a brief discussion with the secretary … Secretary : Thanks for coming to get her . I 'm just not sure if she has anything . We are just being precautions . We 've never had an outbreak this bad . This round it 's only in the second grade class thankfully . Secretary : Oh good . Also , please remember the second treatment a week later . I guess that 's a piece a lot of people skip and it 's pretty vital . Me : Oh you don 't need to worry . I take lice very seriously . She won 't be back until she 's clear and then we will treat her again later . She was very upset about that which just made me feel worse . Not only had I missed the creepy crawlies on her scalp but I had also ruined fireman day for her . Great . The rest of the trip was quiet . She was upset over firefighters and I was chastising myself for missing the little monsters . When we got home my sister had already started the process of quarantining anything that may be contaminated . We checked out Lexi 's head and sure enough , she had eggs behind her ears and at her neckline . I had failed . That 's all I could think . I had missed a live creepy crawly and it had laid its nasty little eggs all over my daughter 's head . I had ruined fireman day for her . Instead of having fun meeting the firefighters , she would be stuck getting her head treated for the next several hours . I was a bad parent . We spent the next four hours treating her . Shampoo , rinse , comb , rinse . She was such a trooper . Regardless that it took three plus hours to comb through her hair , she stayed positive . I have to say , she handled it much better than I did at her age . While I worked through her hair , my dear sister worked through mountains of laundry and stuffed animals . We cleaned and cleaned the house . Neither of us wanted to take a chance of it spreading . We were on a mission to eradicate their kind . It 's been a few weeks and so far , everyone else is clear . Looking back at it , I realize that I was a bit harsh on myself . I did what I could to keep her from getting it and that is all I could do . I don 't blame myself . It 's just one of those things that happens . I get that . I know that we did what we could to prevent an infestation . It happened and we made it through the whole mess . Of course , I still hate the buggers . They still creep me out beyond belief and I have my sister check my head daily . However , I do know that they do not want to face me again . For I am Mom . Giver of hugs , kisser of owies and executioner of lice . Today is my 8th wedding anniversary and sadly , due to work I 'm spending it without my husband . He 's been sent to Arkansas for the week . It is kind of annoying that his travel fell on this week specifically , but at the same time neither of us are the hopeless romantic type so I 'm okay with it . We 've never had any major plans on our anniversary , especially after having kids . Both of us work full - time jobs and have a very hard time sacrificing " family " time for " us " time . So while I 'm sad to be celebrating alone tonight , I also look forward to his return and our family celebration dinner this weekend . As I think about our relationship , I can 't help but laugh . We truly are a case of opposites attract . He likes Chinese food , I prefer Mexican . I love hard rock and heavy metal , he likes pop and country . I am consistently cold and he 's always overly warm . How we ended up together and stayed together , I will never know . 🙂 Especially when he 's made comments like these : One night back in college , he and his friends had a bit much to drink . We 'd all gone out for dinner to a Chinese food buffet and about midway through he decides to start calling people names . He 's calling this guy ' CRISPY ' … in a not so quiet voice . Needless to say , I left him there with his friends . Sometimes I wonder if he just spouts these things off to see my reaction . More often than not I 'm left speechless and highly entertained . Other times , like the " Crispy " incident , I 'm rather annoyed . However , no matter how obnoxious he gets , he 's always there to deal with my crazy . If you 've read my about page , you know that my neurosis has gotten increasingly bad over the years . When my husband and I first started dating it wasn 't nearly as evident . As time went by he witnessed the increasing severity and STILL married me . 🙂 I quite honestly don 't know what I would do without him . He deals with me locking the door four times before bed , double checking the closet for any intruders and my ever changing storm of emotions . I can 't thank him enough for dealing with the mess that I can be sometimes . He does his best to keep me balanced and when things end up tipping , he 's there to help even me out again . I can 't say our relationship is perfect , but who can ? We have our flaws and our battles … it wouldn 't be a marriage if we didn 't . But we love each other dearly and as long as he 's willing to : Well at the beginning of this year I mentioned my goal was to try something new each month . So far I 've managed to pull that off quite well . I 've auditioned and acted in a play , baked wedding cupcakes , grown my own garden , created new recipes , started letting my husband run through the nightly security check on his own ( Only on sometimes . I still find myself occasionally going behind him to make sure he 's locked the door … ) . Okay okay , so those of you who know me know that not all these are exactly new . I 've grown gardens before and created new recipes , but not often on my own . In this case , I 've done them without any ' adult supervision ' . My sister and I grew our garden with no guidance from our parents or grandpa . We 've created our own recipes without Mom pointing out what is wrong with it , so that counts . It 's August now - time for another ' new ' thing to add to my list . You 'll never guess what it is this round . I 'll give you a few seconds to think about it …… . No , I haven 't decided to give up sleeping with a nightlight . I said something new , not plain crazy ! We 're far from that step in life . That 's a lifelong partnership I 'm just not sure I 'm ready to give up yet . Now if you said ' oh you 're building a house of course ' - you were very right ! Yep . My family and I have taken the giant step to building a house . Yes family , not just husband and I , because this truly is a family endeavor . It impacts each of us in my household . It 's been a long time planning and jumping through hoops but we 've gotten to the groundbreaking and I have to say we couldn 't be happier . I realize it 's not always going to be easy and there may be times I want to drop an anvil on my husband , but it 's exciting none the less . The kids will have their own rooms , which my daughter is oh so excited about . My two - year old son will love the new backyard . We 'll have a bigger kitchen ! Both my sister and I are excited for that . It 'll be nice filling cake orders and actually having the counter space to stack boxes . Best of all ? We 'll be back out - of - town again ! I cannot wait to be outside of city limits and in an area with less people . I miss living in the country . It 's one of the best memories of my childhood . Growing up my summers were spent in the back of an overly warm vehicle trekking across Montana , Idaho , Wyoming and Colorado . My parents were HUGE fans of packing up for a week and venturing out on ' vacation ' . I say vacation lightly because to an adolescent girl vacation does not equate to hours couped up in a hot , stuffy car seeking out the closest ghost town only to be diverted by the ' historic site ahead ' sign leading us three hours out of our way . No . I would have liked to spend my summers with my friends at the lake or local water park . Of course my parents response to my begging and pleading was the same vacation after vacation ; ' you 'll thank us later ' . Quite honestly , I thought my parents were completely delusional . No way in hell I 'd look back at those long hours and say ' gee thanks Mom and Dad for torturing us year after year ' . This is the part where I have to do something I don 't like doing often … I have to admit , my parents were right . * gasp * I know ! It 's not something I like to do . I don 't think any of us like to admit when our parents are right . It goes against every rebellious bone in my body . But they were and I am publicly saying THANK YOU ! Thank you for dragging us all over just to show us an old fur trading post or teach us how to pan gold . As an adult , I can now appreciate just how fortunate we were to have that opportunity . Not all families are able to explore such a beautiful part of our country . Granted , at the time I really didn 't get it . I didn 't understand that in just a short time , many of the small towns we traveled through , would either die out completely or developed into larger cities . I had no idea that as we toured our little corner of the world , I was actually learning something . I studied ' Custer 's Last Stand ' while actually looking out across the Little Bighorn battlefield . My knowledge of structure fortification began as we explored every military fort along our path . But best of all , I exercised my imagination . I truly believe imagination is like a muscle , you must continually exercise it otherwise it 'll turn to nothing but flabby mush . Whether we were imagining what the buildings of a ghost town looked like ' back in the day ' or making up games to play in the twenty hour car ride , we used our imaginations . My siblings and I spent hours playing pretend or making up stories about this or that . Again , at the time this did not seem like the best way to spend summer vacation , but now I appreciate it . I use my imagination daily for one reason or another , and I have my parents to thank for that . Without the early poking and prodding and dragging here or there , I doubt I 'd have the imagination I do today . So again , many thanks go out to my parents for tormenting us all those years . Of course , you all must be wondering why the trip down memory lane ? Well this summer we took our first family vacation with my kids that did not involve a hotel or swimming pool . We didn 't head off to a theme park or some huge vacation hot spot . Instead , we rented two cabins in rural Montana . We loaded our kids , my parents and nephew into two vehicles and set out on a four - hour drive to our cabin rentals . My Mom and I took the baby in one car , while my husband and Dad took the two older kids in the other . I have to say , this was the longest time I 've spent in the car with my Mom since I was a child . It was so nice to chat and look at the scenery . Something she and I don 't get to do much with our chaotic lives . I loved it . Upon arrival I watched as my six - year - old daughter and five - year - old nephew barreled out of the car and picked their room in the first cabin . By the time we finished unloading my parents , the two monsters had set up their room and were playing some pretend game that included an over - sized rain stick . No iPad , iPhone , Nintendo DS or television . They were using their imaginations . It just made me smile . They reminded me so much of my siblings and our family vacations . The rest of our vacation went much the same . The two older kids played pretend the entire weekend . If they weren 't playing pretend , they were fishing with Poppy ( that 's what they call their Grandpa ) . It was so nice to watch them content in creating their own fun . Don 't get me wrong , there were the moments of ' I 'm bored ' or ' I 'm hot ' , but they were short - lived . The kids were easily distracted by some adventure they would create . All in all , it may not have been the long trek across Montana that we took as children , but it was a start . Well , not so much a start , but more of a continuation . It was the continuation of a long - standing family tradition that I truly hope to carry on with my children . And maybe , years down the road , my kids will thank me for tormenting them as my parents did me . Maybe … As a parent there are certain issues I 've known I would have to address at some point . The same topics I 'm sure my mom agonized over when I was young . Those touchy subjects none of us really want to address with our kids . I knew going into parenthood that I 'd have to somehow address things like sex , marriage , death , religion and whatnot . I wasn 't deluding myself , these questions would arise and I 'd have to have an answer . In society today our children are exposed to so much . I 'm not saying that 's good or bad . I would say that in some cases it 's great , in others … not so much . I love that my daughter has had the opportunity to learn about other cultures and I despise that my daughter has picked up the word " ain 't " . As with anything , today 's media exposure can be both good and bad . Recently my six - year - old daughter has been falling asleep around six each night . She 's had a busy schedule and she 's growing , this really isn 't that surprising . I would love to fall asleep at that hour if I could . It hasn 't been much of a concern except she tends to miss dinner if we don 't wake her . A few nights we 've tried to get her up and she 's basically told us she would rather sleep . Again , not a huge problem , she 's always been one to tell us if she 's hungry or not . I have never force - fed my kids . I have never worried about my daughter and food , until recently . Yesterday we were driving the two hours home from our mini - vacation . My six - year - old loves to talk . She 's a girl and she 's six , of course she loves to talk . In the midst of her latest story she pauses before saying ; " So you know why I sometimes to go bed right after daycare ? Without eating dinner ? " Both my husband and I responded with " because you 've been tired . " It seemed reasonable . She just shook her head and informed us ; " No , because I want to stay skinny . I don 't want to get fat . " My stomach dropped . As I said before , I knew I 'd have to discuss these tough topics with her at some point . I just didn 't expect to be discussing body image issues with my very healthy six - year - old . This is the same girl who prefers cucumbers over cookies , who swims at least once per week and spends most of her afternoons running around on a playground . Weekends are spent at parks or the pool . It is very rare for her to actually sit still . To say I was upset would be putting it mildly . I was truly horrified and heartbroken at the same time . We asked her why she would think something like that was a good idea . We discussed what happens to your body when you skip meals . We talked about healthy food and habits . She was her usual self and absorbed the information . I hope she did and will be keeping a close eye on her going forward . My last question to her was where she got such a notion . She wouldn 't really give us a straight answer and I understand . She 's never really been one to tattle , she doesn 't enjoy getting others in trouble . What worries me is that there is someone of influence in her life who has given her this crazy idea . Or worse , there is another girl at school who has the same thought . At least now I can monitor her and help reinforce good eating habits , I worry for others who aren 't nearly as open as my daughter . Last night after my family had gone to bed , I sat thinking about everything . Was it my fault ? Have I somehow failed her ? What can I do to fix it ? I ran from very positive to extremely negative thoughts on my parenting abilities . I did what most parents do and blamed myself for not being a better parent . It was when my thoughts turned worse that my darling daughter woke for a drink and ended up climbing on my lap . We sat in our dark living room just cuddling for several minutes before she asked me to take her back to bed . I wrapped her in her favorite blanket and tucked her back in for the night . When turning to leave she asked me to cuddle her until she fell back asleep . It was just what I needed to calm my busy mind . We cuddled and both drifted off to a deep sleep . Sitting here thinking about it today , I am much less negative . I realize that no parent is perfect , parenting is an ' on the job training ' career . We do what we can and strive for the best , but we are all human and certainly make mistakes . I am still very worried about whoever gave her this horrible idea . Could it have come from television ? Sure , except we don 't actually watch anything that focuses on that sort of topic . We don 't have cable and the movies she watches are typically cartoons . We don 't even have commercials on anything we do watch . I have run through the majority of the shows she has seen and I can 't think of one that would focus on eating habits or weight . This leaves me to those she interacts with outside of our home . Did it come from school ? Did it come from a friend of the family ? I 'm not entirely sure on either . It is absolutely possible , but the thought sickens me . Whoever gave her the idea is obviously facing body image issues and I truly hope they find help . This entire situation saddens me . Our society has gotten so focused on body image that it 's causing serious damage to younger generations . Do I agree that we have serious health issues in our country ? Definitely . But we need to focus less on the negative and more on positive reinforcement . Our children should be carefree and happy , not paranoid about what they eat or getting fat . They should be running around playing tag , not skipping meals . They should be showing each other kindness and respect , not insulting one another . It 's an epidemic of negativity and it 's causing more damage than many realize . When I see post after post on Facebook about how fat or ugly people are , it breaks my heart . I don 't want my daughter skipping meals to be skinny enough . I want her to be active and make good food choices . I don 't want my cousin to feel like she needs a breast enhancement to look pretty . I want her to realize that she is a very beautiful girl without changing a thing . Not that I have anything against breast enhancements or plastic surgery , I don 't . My problem lies with young girls who think they have to have it done in order to live up to outside expectations . It 's a terribly vain society we live in these days . The negativity is like a disease and infects so many . It may start with one person but then spreads . Rather than spreading damaging thoughts , we need to be spreading encouragement . We could all learn a lesson from Thumper - ' If you can 't say something nice , don 't ' say nothing at all . ' |
I 've been in education for twenty years . I 've taught in urban areas as well as rural towns , from districts that have money to districts where money is tight , in classes of thirty kids to classes of six , and in kindergarten classrooms to middle school . I know kids . I can sense a bad day from the way they walk in the room . Usually I can talk , joke , and relax it away . That being said , I 've also had words thrown my way , along with chairs . Teaching is not for the meek , this I know . I also know middle school kids . Even without teaching them , I have two of my own . I know the emotional roller coaster that is the brain of a middle school adolescent . Even without the middle school psychology class I had to take last summer - which was a bit ridiculous - I know this age group through my own boys , and their friends . And yet , last week , I screwed up . I know these kids by now . Out of the 75 I am currently teaching , I taught over half of them in fifth grade as well . This was one of those kids . A former student who had become a current student once again . A student not without faults - in fifth grade or in seventh grade - but a student who I dearly love . Last week this student didn 't have their homework done , a poem written . When I asked about it , anger spilled out in their voice as they mumbled under their breath . Not wanting to embarrass them in front of their classmates , I asked them to step into the hall , that I 'd check in with them in a minute . They looked at me with anger and didn 't move . Here 's where I screwed up . The late work didn 't bother me . Things happen . The angry voice when I had pointed out the late work irritated me . The blaming me for the late work really started to tick me off . Then , the blatant refusal to move got under my skin . I stopped . Looked at them . Repeated my request firmly . They went to the hall . I continued checking in with kids , but my mind was in the hall . What did they think they were doing ? They were wrong , but they were going to treat me like dirt ? After all I had done ? I thought I had calmed myself down as I took a lap around the room before going out to the hall . I hadn 't . I came out in the hall and gave a lecture worthy of my Irish Catholic ancestry . It was peppered with Irish guilt . My grandma would have been in awe . I talked about what they had done wrong , how much I loved them , but how hurt I was . My student stared at me , never uttering a word , and we came back in the room . I was steaming as I walked back to the front . Congratulating myself on not yelling , but calmly stating my case , at first I felt vindicated . My student had been wrong , after all . I had to teach them to be respectful , to own up when they didn 't do an assignment , etc . , etc . We gathered at the front of the room for our quick write next . With the lights off , I turned on a video . I was sharing a video from Prince EA - I am NOT Black , You are NOT White . I could tell the kids were hooked on the video . As soon as it ended , we all got our notebooks out , I set the timer , and we began to write . In the split second before I began , I saw my student 's face - the one from earlier . It was miserable . Guilt washed over me . I knew I hadn 't done anything wrong , I had treated them like I would my own children , and yet , I had missed one huge piece . Respect . When I went out in the hall earlier , I should have begun with asking what was going on . I normally do . I normally check in , see if something is up , let them talk . But today , for whatever reason , I was so keyed up myself , that I hadn 't asked . I hadn 't wanted to get to the bottom of their behavior , I had wanted to fix it instead . So , I wrote with my kids . I scribbled quickly , filling up a page in my notebook in those two minutes . Writing what I wished I would have done , instead of what I did . I ended with writing , " How can I fix this now ? ? ? " And my phone 's timer went off . As my students turned to talk to each other about their notebook , I watched my student . They were subdued . The end of our first period together came . Kids went into the hall to use the restroom , talk to friends , and others milled around the room , talking , waiting for our next period to begin . I waved my student to my front table . They came up and sat down . I took a breath and looked at them and said , " I 'm so sorry . I completely screwed up earlier . I was so mad that you treated me the way you did that I didn 't stop and ask if you were ok , if there was anything going on , if I could help . I 'm so sorry and I hope you will forgive me for that . Are you ok ? " I know my eyes were welling up as I spoke . I looked straight in their eyes , which were now streaming tears . They said they were so sorry too . That they had no idea what got into them this morning , but they never meant to treat me that way . They promised to get their work done . We laughed , wiped our eyes , fist bumped , and decided to start our day over . Kids can get under our skin so quickly . Our job is beyond difficult . We have to think on the fly , react on the fly . I would think , by now , that I would have this down pat , but I don 't . What I hope I never lose , however , is the ability to own up when I 'm wrong . I 'm glad I decided to start over . I 'm grateful that my student saw my sincerity in that act and met me in that place to begin again as well . From there , anything is possible . I think we have to remember that we are all human - teachers and students . We can have bad days , but that none of us is perfect . No , I don 't want my students to treat me with disrespect , but I hope I don 't climb so high up on my high horse that I forget what it is like to be thirteen . I hope I can remember to treat them with respect as well as expect it from them . I hope I can remember that they are just kids . Two great articles I read this weekend can be found HERE and HERE . Both deal with student behavior if you 'd like to read more . Have a great week ! Posted by In case you are wondering , I identify as a reader . If you aren 't new to this blog , this is no surprise . I read a lot . Less than many of my friends , but more than the average person I 'd venture to guess . I talk about books ad nauseam . To everyone . Getting my teeth cleaned , having my eyebrows waxed , taking a ride in an Uber , getting a drink from a bartender - all times in the last six months that I have recommended a book to someone . One of the reasons that I 'm so vocal about my love of books , so free with my recommendations , is that I want to be a resource for my community . There 's the saying , Bloom where you 're planted . Well , I 'm planted in the middle of some corn and soybean fields in central Illinois . Our town is tiny , around 5000 people , but most folks here know me and know my love of reading . I recommend books for gifts , suggest books to former , current , and future students struggling to find a match . I 've had a book group for friends who wanted to share a story together , run reading camps from my home , and donated more books around town than I can count . My goal is simple , I want everyone to find a book they love . I want everyone to have a reading role model in case they don 't live with one . I know the power of that role model . I know the power of a love of reading . My goal is next to impossible , but it doesn 't mean I will give up . A colleague recently teased me about my passion , telling me that I could relax and let go a bit . Yet I can 't . I believe we all have a purpose in this world . This is mine . I connect to people through books . I also connect people to books . It is the best job in the world . This week I 've had two parents kindly share with me a story that made my day . My week even . One parent texted me early in the morning . I was driving back from swimming laps at the Y in a nearby town before school began . I looked at the text message and saw that it was from a former student 's mom . I had told him to read Winger by Andrew Smith . He had just finished and told his mom that he had never cried over a book before . My heart soared . When I saw him at school I smiled and said , " Winger ? " He grinned and told me not to worry , he was already reading Stand Off . A reader and book ( and possibly author ) had made a match . Yes ! Then tonight a friend posted on Facebook the post below : ( reprinted here with her permission ) There is so much I love about this . I love that my mom read the March trilogy because when she subbed in my classroom last month , my students begged her to read it so they could talk with her about them the next time she came in . I love that she recommended them to her friend ( my friend 's mom ) as a gift for Easter for her grandchildren . I love that her grandchildren , my friend 's children , loved them so much they begged their parents to read them . And the parents recommended it to more of their family . And then the dad ( also one of my childhood friends ) went to DC . And then he met John Lewis . Tears . Seriously , I have the best job in the world . I talk about stories . I connect to kids through their reading and writing . Some days are easier than others , but every single day I feel like I 'm making a difference . Stories connect us all . I firmly believe that . And if we could just get more people to read . If we could just read about more people who are not like ourselves . If we could learn to see ourselves in others . If we could walk in their shoes , just for a bit . This world would be a better place . Flexible Seating : Student Thoughts Today I shared with my first class our plans for the day . It was to be a busy one . We needed to check off some pages of the poetry books we 're creating for the kindergarteners , read for ten minutes in our choice books , head outside for a quick write , share a book talk , have our read aloud , learn about the next two pages in our poetry book for the kids , and create those pages . Also , I needed a favor from the students . I told them I had written a loooooong blog post on Sunday about our classroom . ( You can read it HERE ) . They weren 't too interested . As one of them said , " You always write about us . " Touché . I then explained it was on the seating choices in our classroom . They perked up a bit . I told them that teachers are always trying to learn from each other . That I had wanted to share the pros and cons of our seats to help teachers who were just starting to add seating choice to their classrooms . They nodded at me , puzzled about why I was telling them this when we had so much to do . Then I explained that by writing that blog post I had received a flood of questions , messages , and comments . Most of them revolved around two things - what did my students think and how was their behavior in this environment ? Before I let them speak , I 'll try to give my thoughts . Overall , I think student behavior is excellent in our classroom . While we have our moments - for example , I 'm not a huge fan of the " spinners " that are the current fad at our school , by and large the students are respectful in our class . That being said , I 've never had a huge issue with student behavior - before or after the change to this type of seating . This could be attributed to the kids I teach , the relationships I build , or now - the age I am . I think it can be easier to get them to focus when you are the age of their parents . Yet , I 've taught in Chicago , I 've taught in districts where the free and reduced lunch rate was the school 's student body , I 've taught kindergarten ( God bless you all ) , and now middle school . My typical behavior " issue " is too much talking . However , as I pointed out years ago in a blog post , when I realized that every year I lamented that my class was chatty , I finally realized that there was one common denominator - and that was me . The truth is , I don 't love a silent class . I like my class to have the perfect balance of being on the quiet side , because I need quiet to work , but also being allowed to say something to a friend in workshop time , because this is not a prison . It 's hard to achieve that balance and I feel like I 'm constantly working at it . Here 's what I 've learned about classroom management and student behavior in a nutshell . One , students behave better when they know you care about them . Students also behave better when they know you have invested in their surroundings with purpose . Not decorate necessarily , but when they know I 've bought books for them with my own money , when they know I 've thought about the room environment to make it meet their needs , when they know I gave up my giant teacher 's desk to give more of the room back to them - those actions have consequences . The consequence I 've found is that the kids are more at ease in our room . They have less behavior problems . They tend to relax more . It 's just a good place to be . This is what I believed . I still do . But then I turned this idea over to my students today using Padlet . I told them I was sharing this with you all - what were their thoughts on our classroom ? The comments are all over the place , but hopefully , if you were one of the folks wanting to know more , this helps . As a reflection for me , it worked wonderfully . By and large , I think these seventh graders are happy in this space we share together . But , judging from my the comments from my last class ( near the top ) , some aren 't getting to sit where they 'd like . This is something to work on . One thing I absolutely believe is that we can always improve . Posted by Well , let 's be real . I didn 't read a ton this week . I did read a lot of poetry - online , in books , poems my students had written , etc . , but not a lot of books . We 're deep into a poetry unit and I spent a lot of time reading with them . Read The Highwayman poem for the first time . Whoa . That one is a bit deep . ( Side note , I wanted to play this song for them and tell them it was the same thing , but I restrained myself . Do love the song though . . . ) I was not at all cool . I might have screamed a bit . Then I curled up with the book and didn 't move for two hours . Quite simply , Wishtree by Applegate is a book we all need right now . There is a tree in a neighborhood and it can talk . Well , all trees can , we just don 't know it . This tree has been around for over 200 years and has seen generations come and go . At one point an Irish immigrant made him a wish tree . And now , years later , a young Muslim girl has a wish . She wants a friend . And so , it begins . As I read , and wept , this book found a way into my heart . I dearly wish it was out already . I want to buy it for all of my students . I want to buy copies to give away this summer when I am presenting . I want everyone to read this . Now . And yet , we have to wait until the fall . Until then , trust me , put this on your preorder list . We need to talk about this book . We need to share this book . We need to simply breathe in the goodness of this book and be reminded of the kindness that lies in all of us . And then , we need to actually do something about it . Wishtree comes out September 26 , 2017 . I 'm hoping that this post will serve two purposes . One , I answer a lot of questions about alternative , or flexible , seating in my classroom . I hope this will be a resource for teachers looking to jump into this type of arrangement . Two , this year I received a grant for several types of alternative seating arrangements . I want to report back on what worked , what didn 't , to help to pay it forward and let others learn from this year . Apologies in advance for the length of the post . To start out , some background . One , I 'm blessed with a district that has administrators who have embraced any different types of seating in our classrooms and fire codes that allow fabric . Wanted to acknowledge that up front . So , why change up student seating ? I 'm coming to middle school from the elementary world where I 've spent the last twenty years . Over those years my room became less and less traditional in furniture . I 've never been a decorator , and didn 't spend a lot of time thinking about what looks cute - no issue what that , just not my focus . What I thought about constantly was if I was a kid , would I feel comfortable in this classroom . Did kids feel an ownership in this room ? Was it my room , or ours ? As a result , my desk left the room , as did several cabinets . I tried to think of what was really necessary . In my years in fifth grade I moved from desks to tables . It began as a practical move - I never had desks by themselves or in rows , so tables were a natural fit . They took up less space . Once I did that , old furniture from my house began trickling its way in . A few floor pillows were added . Eventually a group of stools that allowed students to move . I kept tweaking the arrangements , trying to find a way to fit the needs of all students . When I decided to move to middle school last year , I knew that not all of the furniture would move with me , some belonged to the elementary school . My concern was if this type of classroom would fit at the middle school level . I turned to an expert , my thirteen year old son . I asked him about the desk / chair combination in his middle school classroom . He informed me that he hated them . At almost six feet , he didn 't fit well in them . He also told me they hurt his butt . At first , I laughed . But as I took my endorsement classes for middle school , I realized why he said this . Our middle school students , as we all know , are dealing with puberty in our years with them . Part of that development is that their bones begin to ossify , or harden , through these years . One of the last bones to undergo this transformation is the tailbone . That alone made me resolved to give my students somewhere to sit beyond a hard surface when they were in our room . Below I 'm going to share all of the options my students have for seating in our classroom . ( Click on the name of the seating to be taken to where I purchased it , if available ) . I 'll let you know the pros / cons of each . I will tell you , after surveying my students extensively throughout the year , there is not one magic seating out there . Some kids love the bungee chairs , for example , while others hate them . I think the key is offering up options and letting the kids sit where it works for them . We do have days each kid gets certain " spots " in our room . ( A chart with the spots listed and clothespins with their numbers on them , rotated daily . ) They can always turn them down and sit somewhere else , but this allows everyone to have a fair shot at each spot . One of my couches was from our house , had just outlived the purpose here . The black couch I purchased for $ 50 off of a retiring teacher in our district . Another teacher gave me a blue armchair a year or so ago . And just this week I put out the call on Facebook for TV trays , which we are decoupaging an old book to the top . The couches are , by far , the favorite spots in the classroom . Pros : Cheep when you find donors , very comfortable , kids love it Cons : Some kids like them , some really don 't like them . The soft gray part on top is easily marred by pencils . ( Still useable , just lots of impressions . ) Video Game rockers - around $ 50 I purchased these specifically for this year . At first I was worried that seventh graders would be too big for them . Wrong . These are loved by the majority of the class and used daily . Ugh . I have a love / hate relationship with these . I originally purchased two of the Big Joe bags and brought in an old one from home ( blue in the picture below , when the other two were almost flat halfway through the year . ) Pros : The kids LOVE them , they are portable Cons : the two I purchased were almost completely flat by Christmas ( less than six months ) . Now they stack all three together to use . Refills are expensive and I wonder how long they 'd last . Bungee Chairs ( around $ 40 ) / Butterfly Chairs ( around $ 30 ) The kids love these too . The bungee chairs have held up better than the butterfly , which you can kind - of tell in the photo right above . While not as portable as a video game rocker , the kids do move them around at will . Cons : Butterfly chair 's pocket to keep it secure has broken in one year . Bungee allows kids to push through so they are hanging down . Not sure if this will last well over time . I 'm not sure my students would consider the carpets " spots " , or maybe even the floor pillows , but they use them a lot . They lay down on the carpets when working more than the floor . The pillows are often added to the hard chairs to make them more comfortable . Pros : Carpets have held up extremely well . Cons : The pillows had buttons originally , but they 've all popped off . Fine other than that . Standing Desks - $ 250 each , local builder The standing desks were built by a relative of my administrator . He made them adjustable so that they could be desk height , but we just leave them up . I did bring in stools because some kids wanted to sit , but like the extra height . And the standing desk allows one of my students , who wears a brace , the comfort of standing and stretching where desks cause her pain . As I mentioned before , I don 't have your typical desk . Mine is a side table from my house . In the picture with students , it is covered with books on the right side , in front of the window . In the picture above , March is resting on it . Point being , I couldn 't give up a desk completely - I wanted a space in the classroom to meet with kids , to confer out of the way , to write during our quick writes , it just didn 't need to be big . Kids sit at it all the time , it can be one of their " spots " too , but it is perfect for me . I love it . And there you have it . I think I hit all of the seating options we currently have . When looking ahead to next year , I 'd love to get some more armchair like chairs - along with some coffee tables or side tables - and get rid of the traditional student desks completely . The kids that like the " desks " told me they like that it is their own space , not a table . They don 't want to be crowded , but actually hate the hardness of the desks . I 'm hoping this will help . I 'm also looking to get rid of the mindset ( my mindset ) that they need a spot at a table , that the couch ( or what have you ) is " extra " . I 'd like them just to be able to work at the couch . That 's why I grabbed some TV trays . We might add more of those before the end of the year . In one week they have become very popular already . I 'm beyond grateful to my district , our education foundation , and local bank , for sponsoring grants that have helped me get some of this seating in the classroom . I 'm also grateful to my husband Chris , who has help to supply the rest . It takes a village , folks ! Last year in my fifth grade class I was blessed with an advanced copy of John David Anderson 's Miss Bixby 's Last Day . My fifth graders loved the book and insisted , as I packed up my room to move to seventh grade , that Miss Bixby 's was certainly a book that needed to travel with me to seventh grade . When they had me again , as they were sure they would , they wanted to " see " their friends from the book . As a result of their connections with Anderson 's characters in Bixby , I was certain I would enjoy his new book Posted when I saw it at NCTE . I was right . I couldn 't wait to travel home from NCTE last November to begin reading it , I began the minute I got back to my hotel from a dinner . It was one of those books that I wanted to keep reading , even though I knew I needed to get some rest for sessions the following day . It was that good . Posted takes place in a middle school and follows the story of four middle school boys . Kind - of misfits , they have inexplicably found each other and formed a friendship . They each go by a nickname : Frost ( the main character ) , Bench , Wolf , and Deedee . ( You figure out the story behind their nicknames as the book goes on ) . Life at school has just got very interesting . A new girl named Rose has joined their team of four and the boys have varying opinions on her presence . Also , and most importantly to the students at school , cell phones have been banned completely from school grounds . As a result , kids begin to leave post - it notes on lockers to pass messages . While this begins as a harmless means of communication , it quickly spirals out of control and has negative consequences . When I book talked this to my seventh graders , I read several passages . Their reaction was that the kids seemed " real " , and I would agree . Anderson does a brilliant job of taking relatable characters and situations and making my students immediately want to know more . Combine that with the articles I shared with them on the post - it notes that were being left in the NYC subways after the elections ( one article here ) and we began a discussion on writing as communication , acts of kindness , acts of kindness gone wrong , friendships in middle school , bullying , and the role of the bystander . Pretty rich conversation indeed . The true test of a book , however , is what the kids think when they read it . They are just as big of fans of Posted as I am . It passes hand - to - hand in our classroom , rarely languishing on the shelf . We highly recommend you check out this book when it is released on May 2nd of this year . Posted Blog Tour We had one of those moments in class today where you have to stop the direction you were heading and discuss what happened . As we came to the front of the room for the mini - lesson , a student stopped to read the Blackout Poetry wall . She commented to another student that her poem was sad . Several kids got up to read it . It made me remember . . . Four years ago I had a similar experience with my students . I wrote about it here . So , I pulled that blog post up and shared it with my class - and then the two classes to follow . I told them how Joey 's post ( and Lexie 's reaction ) that March had inspired this post I wrote one month later , in April , when my dog Bally passed . We talked about how we can connect to others through their writing . How powerful poetry can be , because there are so few words . I shared some more of my own poems and then sent them off to write their own . I wrote one too . One inspired by this article I 'd read in the Chicago Tribune this morning . Here 's mine - unpolished , a first draft , but somewhere to start . What I know for certain is that I love the feeling of sitting in a room of 24 kids , all curled around laptops and notebooks , absentmindedly staring off into space as they contemplate what to write . The room felt alive with possibility . I teach seventh grade and have been teaching for the past nineteen years . I love reading and writing in my classroom . I am using this as a space to reflect on my teaching and hope you will join in . |
So my favorite time of year is Fall . I especially LOVE Halloween . I 've been anxiously awaiting it 's arrival , and so to pass the time I have been searching for costumes for Finnley ( lucky him ) . Now I was originally just searching for a festive collar which will probably be this one with the candy corn . . Which I think is super cute and simple . I originally saw this next costume earlier on in the summer . I thought aw Finn would definitely look cute in this . . . . but it got kinda mixed reviews and I thought he probably won 't keep it on at all . So that will just be a faded memory : P AND THEN . . . I found . . . This costume . . . . NOT ONLY . . . is this what Finnley is going to look like full grown , but THIS LOOKS HILARIOUS ! ! ! haha . . . I have to get this pooch some bat wings . . . it 's so cute I can hardly stand it . The little orange thing around the neck is kinda weird . . . the head piece is funny but I doubt Finn would keep it on . . . but those wings . . . I have to have ! hahaha . Oh man , So today we went for a walk . He walked for a good 20 mins when he decided he didn 't want to walk any more . So he started to turn around and run back in the direction of the house . He was panting really hard when we got home so I thought he 'd take a good nap . . . immediately after 10 mins of resting he went and jumped on the cat . . . ( will their shenanigans ever stop ? ! ) -_ - However , after romping around the room with my cat , he has now decided to sleep . ALSO . . . I think he has given up on trying to sleep under my bed . Last night he slept outside of it next to the edge . I think he finally realized he was too big . It 's fun to try and find him though , because he finds all sorts of new locations to nap . Any ways . . . I hope you all enjoyed the little Halloween escapade . I sure did : ] Now I definitely can 't wait for Halloween . So my little Finn is doing much better than the other day . Although he is getting rather ornery . He has discovered that the stairs going into the basement aren 't as scary as he thought . Thus , creating a whole new level of the house I will have to puppy proof - _ - Nothing is really down there except the litter box , my cat 's hideout , and my dad 's work area . He has already managed to sneak down there once yesterday and proceeding to poop on the floor . Then today , he decided to venture down and urinate . He 's getting quite stubborn too . I think he is hitting " teenager " years really fast . He does what he wants and ignores your command . I have to repeat myself a few times before he finally listens . I know he knows what I 'm saying because he used to respond to it . Now he is just a little more relaxed and does what he wants . He also is really chompy too . He has been chomping on me a lot and I think that has to do with teething . I bought him some new chewy toys hoping that will help . I don 't know what I 'm going to do with this little rascal . The other night I was looking at old baby pictures of him ( aww so sad he is getting so big now ) . I noticed that he has lightened up and is still lightening up so much . If he doesn 't stop , he will become a red corgi ! : P Just look at these pictures . . . See . . . he has receding black hair : P Anyone else find their dog lightening up a lot ? ? I find it interesting and fun to look at pictures from a while back to see how much they have changed . . . Such a fun pup though . Today after a storm rolled through , he went outside with my dad . . . and they both just kind of stood there watching as the storm rolled away . Was a precious moment . When I went to take a picture they had moved . But it was funny and I loved how Finn looked so interested in the storm . He 's my little wombat and I love him : ) Probably going to take him to the dog park tomorrow . Hopefully there will be smaller dogs there to check out ! So the other day was just what I said it was , a scare . Super scary to be exact . His blood results came back normal so my baby is fine . He must of just gotten into something he shouldn 't have . Since he hadn 't had breakfast yet , he upchucked nothing and that probably really wore him out . I heard sometimes dogs get really winded when they vomit too hard . Either way yesterday he was fine . I took him to the dog park and he wanted to play with all the big doggies , but he 's too little yet , so I leave him in the 30lbs and under . He would run around if he had another dog to play with but the little dogs rarely come to the dog park . He likes to sniff and playfully growl at the big dogs when they come up to the fence . When he 's bigger I 'll let him go over there and play , but for now he will just have to wait a little longer . What an interesting week . I hope everyone else had a good one . So I know it 's been awhile since I 've written a post , but I 've been pretty busy trying to enjoy the last few days of summer and working . I was going to write one last night , but promptly fell asleep after some time in the sun . All apologies aside , I finally have some news to write about . This morning after getting up and taking Finnley out to do his business . . . we were walking around the house . All of a sudden he takes off down the hallway and runs under a chair . We thought he was just hiding from us , then he ran behind the couch and started vomiting . Promptly after vomiting he fell over and tensed up . It was like he almost passed out . I don 't know if he just got super winded from vomiting so hard or dizzy or whatever . I was so scared and freaked out that I immediately called the vet and they squeezed in an appointment . He was acting fine after he got up and went to the vet . They said he looked normal , but they wanted to take some blood work just to be safe . I 'm all about being safe rather than sorry . After an experience with my parent 's dog , I wanted to double check . . . TRIPLE check everything : P I 'm just a worried mommy I guess . I can 't imagine what it would be like to have human children . . . because that was scary stuff for me to experience with a fur baby . Poor little guy . He had quite the morning and tuckered himself out . Any way , he seems fine now . I 'll know more tomorrow or Friday on the blood . Keep your fingers crossed that there isn 't anything seriously wrong . So , I tried to get Finnley to swim in the pool yesterday and he just didn 't enjoy it . It kinda scared him . I 'm really bummed because I was really hoping he 'd like to get wet with us . I 'm so jealous of those corgis who swim like it 's the best thing in the world . Maybe he will like it next year when he 's a little bigger . He was pretty tuckered out after we got home though . In other news , I won Finnley a coupon for a free bag of Innova food . Pretty stoked about that because I never win anything . I 'm sure he will enjoy it ! So thanks Kelly over there at Corgi Butts ! Relaxing , enjoying some t . v . when all of a sudden a horrendous smell fills the air . You glance at your boyfriend and say " Gee wiz , was that you ? ! " and they reply " Gross , no . Was that you ? " When both of you finally stop arguing who did it , you realize it was the dog . . . sleeping under the bed . Yep , as hilariously gross as it is , my little bundle of joy is a gassy one . I 'm attributing it to him eating WAY too fast . He barely takes a breath when he eats . I know that can be a cause of flatulence in a dog . I got him that Starmark bob - a - lot toy to help him slow down . I have seen improvements since I 've gotten it for him . I fed him pretty much every meal in it for about a week . Then yesterday , I gave him his food in a bowl and he seemed to slow it down a bit . I feel like it 's helped the stench a little , but I may have to switch foods . Any one have any ideas on a good food for a gassy pooch ? I may have to do some more research . With the lovely summer months , come creepy crawly bugs . My dear little Finn found himself exploring the yard tonight . I heard a buzzing noise and saw him carrying around a cicada . AW YUCK ! Puppies are so goofy . He just wanted to carry that cicada on the in the house and was very disgruntled when I declined it at the door . I think he forgave me because he is currently upside down next to me sleeping . He sleeps so funny . How can one not love him ! I just adore his little doggy stretches . AHHH he just kills me with cuteness every day ! I 'm so lucky to have him ! Hopefully I can go to Petsmart tomorrow . He really needs a bigger collar . Hope he doesn 't mind going with me . I 'm sure he won 't : P . I will leave you with one more picture . . . Hope you all have a great weekend ! Every time I 've taken Finnley out today he casually walks out , does his business , then casually explores , then out of no where I see him take off . I knew exactly what he had grabbed . Now he was making a run for it to the house . I let him munch on it for just a few minutes because I don 't think it 's smart to let him chew on it and get those tiny pieces stuck in his throat . He sure looks funny carrying it around though . Such a cutie . Let 's see what else is on my mind . . . OH ! I would like to get Finnley a buddy . I think he 'd love to have a buddy to play with and what not . I love Corgis and reading all these blogs about Corgis I see a trend . They all have 2 corgis . I really would like to get another but the cost is kind of high . It would be really awesome to have a red one or cardigan . What are some pluses to having 2 corgis ? I 'd like to really consider this . I 'm kind of a night owl . I just seem to get more done when the world is all asleep and quiet , no distractions . . . most of all a sleeping puppy . : ) A few great things to talk about for sure , and I just couldn 't wait till morning ! First up , dog park update . We went to the dog park this evening and it went better than expected . Finnley just loved exploring and sniffing . He stayed glued to my hip most of the time . He sniffed a few big dogs , but for the most part stayed close . He was very well behaved all the way there and on the way home . I think it was a little too hot for my little guy . We were only there a half hour if that and I think he got a little over heated . I didn 't really drink the water I had for him so I just took him home . We didn 't even make it out of the parking lot and he ralphed in the car . He seemed fine after I got him home and in the air conditioning . He loves to be cold he sleeps right next to the vent under my bed . I felt bad for the little guy . I think we will wait till it cools down a bit more before another visit . I can 't wait to visit again though . He needs some friends so he will stop pouncing the cat . Let 's face it I don 't think he will stop doing that for awhile : p . Second on my list I ordered some really cool bumper stickers today from our new friends Kelly and Gibson . I love Kelly 's store . If you don 't know about it you can find it here . Kelly has an adorable corgi named Gibson and a very adorable corgi store . I just loved these two graphics and can 't wait to put them on my car : ) . Can 't wait to get them in the mail ! I 'm super excited Kelly ! Last on my list I 'd like to talk about how friendly the corgi community has been so far . I feel like Finn and I have been welcomed with open arms . Lots of great people here and I can 't wait to meet more . One thing I 'd really be interested in is the Paw It Forward thing I 've seen people do . It 's so cute to see how excited those dogs get to get mail ! Let me know if any of you would be interested in participating in it or know some one who is . I 've been documenting like crazy lately . Taking the camera out constantly . Which is unusual for me . Usually I just rely on my " mental camera " and regret it later . NOT TODAY . After I saw the small selection of puppy pictures I had , and how fast my little one was growing , I decided I needed to take more pictures before he was a puppy no longer . Today , we started off with playing " towel " one of Finnley 's favorites as of late . I was folding towels the other day and he kept stealing them . When he stole an old worn out beach towel , I continued to egg him on . He just loved getting covered and " attacking " from under the towel . Silly dog . As promised here is the newest toy Finnley likes to play with . He loves water bottles and hoards them like a squirrel . When I was a Target I saw a cute skunk with a water bottle inside . I bought it because I thought it was a cute way to utilize those darn water bottles that are lying all over my floor . It 's called Pawdoodles Krinklers Skunk . It squeaks , crackles and crinkles ! It 's a Pawdoodle Krinkler ! Strong durable plush skunk dog toy with a recyclable plastic water bottle inside to make the noise . Easy to replace . Squeaker in head and tail . Finnley loves his little skunk . I 've already had to replace the bottle once since I 've gotten it , but it 's really easy to do . There is a little pouch under his tail that you can remove and replace the bottle . You can get one of these on Amazon for like $ 10 bucks . Not bad at all really . On a side note , the vet said that Finnley will be losing teeth soon which means he will be teething . I caught him chewing on a flip flop yesterday so I know it 's not far . Any good suggestions on what type of toy is good for a teething pooch ? I know Kong makes some good ones . I really need to just take him to Petsmart and see what he gravitates towards . I 'd hate to buy him toys that he has no interest in . Also , I really want to take him to the dog park now that he has all of his shots , but I 'm kinda nervous about letting him " loose . " I really want him to burn off some energy and let him run around . He loves to go nuts in the house and it would be nice to let him go . We don 't have a fenced in yard , so he is always on his leash . I 'm just a little leery of him getting into trouble while hes off the leash and then running from me . Eventually he will park it though . . . his bursts don 't last THAT long . I think he 'll be alright . I 'm going to talk him around the park before we actually go " in " it and see how he reacts . He doesn 't really mind other dogs , but I haven 't really had him around other dogs since the 4th of July . It will be a learning experience . I just really want to get him socialMichelle & Finnley Last night I got an idea to do a blog post on one of Finnley 's favorite toys . I love this toy because it keeps him entertained and slows down his eating . I don 't know if any of you have a puzzle feeder , but I saw this one on Dogs 101 and thought , this might be a great toy for my curious corgi ! I hopped on Amazon and bought it for about $ 14 . 99 . It 's called StarMark Bob - A - Lot Interactive Dog Toy and I got the small one since he is a small pup , but I plan to get him the bigger one as he grows . What really sold me on this item was another corgi owner 's comment on the item . At the bottom on the reviews she said how much her Corgis LOVED the bob - a - lot . My Corgi loves it too ! I took some pictures . Basically you fill the dog toy up . It can take up to about 1 cup of food maybe a little more depending on the size of the chunks . There are two chamber doors to adjust how much food flow comes out . I usually leave both wide open so he can get to it easier . Then put it on the floor and let your dog go to town . They will enjoy stomping it around and letting it roll around the kitchen . For example . . . In my next post , I plan to talk about this skunk water bottle toy he has . Finnley LOVES water bottles more than anything in the world and has them stashed all over the house like a little squirrel . When I went to Target I stumbled upon this adorable skunk . When I picked it up I felt a water bottle inside and knew I had to have it . Any ways , I 'll post pictures and tell ya more about the skunk in the next post . Have a good rest of the day ! If you are a Corgi enthusiast you know exactly how heartwarming it is to have a Corgi companion . I have been a Corgi mommy for about 3 months now and have been loving ALMOST every minute of it . Let me introduce you to my feisty little friend , Finnley . He is about 3 months old in this picture and munchin ' on some shower puffs . We bought new ones today and gave him the old ones . He absolutely loved them . Any ways , back to the original story : p I fell in love with the Corgi breed awhile back when I saw someone with an adorable puppy . Her name was Pheobe . So cute and my heart just melted . I never thought I 'd actually get one ( due to the price ) and the fact that I still had an amazing dog at the time named Bear . My love for them went by the way side and life kept continuing on . Until about a year ago I lost that amazing dog named Bear unexpectedly to liver cancer . It came out of no where and was never detected at his visits to the vet . He became weak all of a sudden and could hardly stand . They found a mass in his liver about the size of a softball . They tried to operate but the little sweetheart was just too weak to recover . I lost a very good friend of 7 years that day and it broke my heart . After that incident my mom and I decided it was just way too quiet in our house , but we were still heart broken from our loss . We decided to wait till I moved home from my final year at school to purchase a new family member . Fast forward a few months to April , my birthday month . I was starting to get really anxious and really wanted to have a new puppy when I moved home . Throughout the year I would look for dogs that needed homes and research breeds and what not . I just kept reading about Pembroke Welsh Corgis . I was absolutely in love with how cute their little smiles and tooshies were . I tried to talk my mom into getting one and she was not sold at first . " He 's too tiny . " We have always had larger dogs . After awhile she grew to like the breed . Then money became the issue . However , with graduation coming up , what a better way First picture of Finnley I fell in love and could not wait for this baby boy . FINALLY June came and I went to go get my beloved puppy . The breeder told me to meet her about 45 mins to her work from my house . I drove to pick him up and wouldn 't you know it . . . she FORGOT to bring the dog to work . I couldn 't believe it . I was so devastated . She felt really bad and told me she would go home after work ( about an hour away ) and pick him up and drive him to me . ( phew ) I was immediately excited / nervous again . After a rendezvous at a local McDonald 's , I met the most adorable puppy that would change my world . He was so tiny . On the way home he was so snuggled into my neck . I loved it . I brought him home and he immediately started playing in the grass . After the adventure through the house , he passed out on a donut . Ever since that first day he has been growing like a weed . He has days of ups and downs . Today he received the last of his puppy shots so now I feel safer about taking him places and introducing him to people . I can 't wait to take him to Petsmart and the dog park ! He love 's water bottles and chasing the cat ( cat doesn 't like it so much ) . It 's been extremely hot outside so I haven 't really gotten the chance to take him on long walks or anything like that . We did go for a picnic the other day and he lovvvved it . With fall approaching , I will definitely take him on more walks and adventures so please stay tuned for all that ! Also , I have plans for an adorable Halloween costume ! ( Yes I know it 's a smidge too far away , but hey ! he will be one cute puppy ! ) Michelle Matzke is a recent Illustration graduate from Columbia College . She originates from Peoria , IL . Her love for children 's books and color give her illustrations a fun , whimsical feel . She recently became the mother of an adorable Corgi puppy named Finnley . |
Posted on June 27 , 2015 by Catherine J Frompovich This is the real life story about what a Smart Meter can do to your home and your life , especially when a public utility company , a state regulatory agency and insurance company are involved . Colleen , of Yardley , Pennsylvania , has been living a Faustian nightmare and feels she has been pressed to all reasonable limits all because of PECO , an Exelon company , installing a SMART METER on her house . All surnames have been deleted because there is a lawsuit involved . No utility customer should have to go through with the devastatingly unknown problems Smart Meters cause : fires , explosions , problems with insurance companies , housing displacement , etc . - even some deaths due to Smart Meter fires . Nonetheless , it seems Pennsylvania state officials are turning totally deaf ears to consumer complaints about Smart Meters . One state legislator , Representative Robert Godshall , who chairs the Consumer Affairs Committee where Smart Meter Opt - out bills have been referred to , refuses to bring HB 394 , HB395 and HB396 up for a vote . Apparently , too many state legislators want legal opt - outs from Smart Meters for Pennsylvanians - as other states provide . What follows is a story every utility company customer EVERYWHERE should read to know what happens when a Smart Meter is retrofitted on a home 's metering panel and then malfunctions . Please take the time and learn from one family 's excruciating and unbelievable Smart Meter nightmare . Now , I defer to Colleen . I 'm Colleen of Yardley , Pennsylvania , and writing my story because the facts and truth need to be told about what my children and I have been through because of PECO , Grid One and State Farm Insurance . I 've stayed quiet , like my attorneys have told me to , but as the latest series of events have unfolded , I 'm not even sure whom I can trust anymore . My story begins on January 4 , 2013 . January 4th started off as a typical day for me . I woke up , made some coffee , filed some applications for jobs , started laundry , cleaned the kitchen and began preparing for an interview I had later in the day . I had gone upstairs to move laundry from the washer to the dryer and fold the clothes from the dryer when all the sudden the power went out . I figured no big deal , we have this happen all the time , and it will come back on . Sure enough , it came back on and then immediately went back off . I waited . It didn 't come back on . So , I decided to go downstairs . As I got to the bottom of the stairs , I could hear this noise . It sounded like feedback in stereo speakers that had a pulse to it . I stood there at the bottom of the steps trying to determine where the noise was coming from , but it sounded like it was all around me . What happened next - it happened so fast - was a flash , like lightning inside my house . I literally cradled my head and dropped to the floor , while my dogs started going crazy . I waited for the popping to stop and I opened my eyes . With that flash , every lightbulb in my house had exploded ! The old lightbulbs merely popped and shattered . Those new lightbulbs ( CFLs ) were on fire ! I could see smoke , smell burning plastic . I had no idea what happened . My first reaction was to get my dogs and myself outside . My dogs were barking furiously at the front door , so I ran up to them . I looked outside and I saw a white pickup truck with the driver - side door open in my driveway . I quickly put the dogs outside in the back yard and ran back to the front door and outside . I ran outside just in time to see a man with yellow rubber gloves up to his shoulders and carrying a yellow bag walking to his truck . I yelled at him and said , " What did you just do ? " He made eye contact with me , never answered and then ran to his truck , threw his bag in , closed the door , started the truck and left . When he had closed the door I saw acompany logo … it was Grid One . I stood in my front yard dumfounded and shaken . As I walked back to my front door , I noticed something hanging on my doorknob . It was a doorhanger that said " PECO … we have successfully installed your new meter . " I walked back inside my house . My chandelier that was on fire , no longer was on fire . I couldn 't see fire . The smoke had dissipated . I couldn 't see anything still burning , thank goodness . I looked at my computer ; it was off ; so were my printer and monitor . I walked into my kitchen - no lights and the appliances were dead , even the clock on my oven . I walked down into my basement ; the light didn 't work . I grabbed a hand light and went back down to the electrical panel . No breakers were tripped ! I put a new lightbulb in , but the fixture didn 't work . I tried turning on my computer - nothing ! Everything I looked at seemed not to be working . I was beginning to think I had no power at all until my well pump and heater kicked on . I grabbed the doorhanger and called the number on it . The number that said if you have any questions , please feel free to call . I had a ton of questions and I wanted answers ! The woman I first spoke with acted like what I was reporting was no big deal . They would send somebody out . Now , when you call this number , you think you 're calling PECO , but you 're not . You 're calling GRID ONE and they claim they are PECO . So , the woman told me someone will be out shortly . Within a few hours a man named Nelson showed up at my door . I let him in and asked him what had happened . He said he didn 't know . I said well let 's ask the guy who ran from my house . His immediate response was he has been terminated . This was a matter of hours after the incident ! I said terminated as in fired or terminated as in quit ? He smiled and said , " He 's been terminated . " I decided to drop that issue and show this gentleman everything I had found that was not working : Lights , my computer , monitor , printer , scanner , router , wireless adapters , melted surge protectors , under - cabinet lighting , and my stove . My new Keurig coffee maker was dead too . We had only been in three rooms and my basement when he stopped me . He said , " This is much more damage than what I usually see , so we will have to file a claim for someone else to handle . " I said usually see ? He said , " Oh yes ! This happens , but not this bad . " He had a camera with no batteries , so I gave him batteries since I had them out because my thermostat batteries had to be replaced after the incident . He left saying I 'd hear from someone shortly . That was Friday early afternoon . In all this chaos , I missed my interview . I had completely forgotten about it . And I couldn 't even call them because their phone number was on my dead computer . Nelson said I would hear from someone that day . I never did . By Monday , January 7 , 2013 , I still had not heard from anyone at PECO or Grid One . Over the weekend I had breakers tripping right and left . My heater breaker would trip , then my well pump , then my computer room , living room and right on down the line . The heater was running ; it never stopped not running , but it was not heating the house . The only people who returned my calls were my electrician and my heater repair guy because they get paid . My heater guy was at a loss . There was air in my system and would reset itself then shut off . He was reluctant to do anything because he was afraid he was going to get electrocuted . My electrician arrived to what I was now referring to as my electrical nightmare . He was talking about possibly thousands of dollars in repairs and that was only due to what he could see . I couldn 't afford that . I called Grid One to follow up on what Nelson had told me , only to be told they were not filing a claim that I needed to contact PECO . I contacted PECO only to be told I could file a claim but they expected me to make repairs and send receipts . That woman did NOT understand the magnitude of damage , or she assumed that I had a ton of money lying around . Not sure which . Then she started to tell me that statistically this doesn 't happen often but when it does happen , I was responsible to make repairs and then they were would review the claim . That call got me nowhere . So , I decided to call the Pennsylvania Public Utility Commission ( PUC ) and file a complaint . I really thought after that call , things would take a different turn and my house would get fixed . I was wrong . All the while I was experiencing more electrical issues and finding more damage . The craziest thing that occurred was I literally was shocked getting into the shower ! I went to grab the nozzle to direct the water down and when I grabbed it , I literally got a jolt of electricity , my hand stuck , my knees buckled and down I went . I didn 't take a shower after that , needless to say . When I came downstairs , I heard water and could hear popping . The main water line from my well had exploded and electricity was sparking from it . I dashed through the water to the main electrical panel and shut off the main breaker . I immediately called my electrician back and a plumber . Neither of them had ever seen anything like that . I paid for the plumbing repair and then my electrician told me I needed to file a homeowner 's insurance claim because the damage was escalating . And that 's why we have homeowners insurance , right ? I thought State Farm was my answer - they were going to save me . I called the claims office and began telling the very nice rep what had occurred and what was still occurring and explained that this happened when they installed my new meter - the SMART METER . That rep knew about problems with meters . She had me go outside to my meter and tell her what type , numbers , etc . Grid One had installed a Sensus meter on my home . That was the first time I had heard the term Smart Meter . She told me to Google Smart Meter information and it would corroborate all the horrors she had told me about on the phone . The first news story I saw said that PECO had investigated the meters and while they found no issues , they wouldn 't be installing Sensus meters . That story was from October 2012 , but PECO installed the meter they said they weren 't installing anymore - in January 2013 ! The State Farm rep told me I was being assigned a claim rep immediately and I would hear from someone shortly . I heard from Mike at State Farm the next day and we spoke at length about all the damage , plus scheduled a time to meet the following day . The day he was supposed to arrive , Mike called to say he was no longer my adjuster and that my claim was being forwarded to comprehensive claim status and I would hear from my new adjuster . I asked what the reasoning was and what exactly a comprehensive claim was . Mike explained that they estimate claim values , and a comprehensive claim is typically in excess of $ 50 , 000 and subrogation involves third party . My new adjuster , Edgar , called and set up a time to meet me and my electrician at my home . Edgar said not to refer to him as Edgar , call him by his nickname , which reminded me of somebody 's dog . Darren , my electrician and I weren 't quite sure what to make of him other than completely unprofessional and unprepared . Edgar only referred to me as honey and sweetheart for the first half hour or so of the walk through until I just broke down and told him to please not call me that . I found it very condescending and creepy , especially after his at - length story about root cellars , dungeons , torture , and sex slaves . I 'm completely serious . In fact , in his official reports to State Farm and his damage estimate , he refers to my basement as a " dungeon . " Edgar 's first visit to my home was at least three hours and he didn 't take a SINGLE NOTE ! When we pointed out he wasn 't taking notes , he tapped the side of his head and said , " it 's all in here . " He left saying the damage wasn 't too bad and he 'd have a check for me shortly . He told Darren to start making necessary repairs and for me to gather receipts . Edgar then proceeded a few days later to say the claim value was $ 3600 . Darren told me his repairs were going to be more than that , and that I needed to hire a private adjuster . Then , I ultimately needed to hire an attorney . On a $ 200 , 000 damage claim , State Farm wanted to settle for $ 52 , 000 . Why did they want to settle ? Well , because they are losing their court battles for reimbursement from these utility companies over smart meter damage . Look into it ; you 'll see I 'm obviously telling the truth . A few days after Edgar 's visit , he did provide a check for $ 3600 . That was for damages of what he felt were covered by my policy . It seemed as though he was picking and choosing what to pay for , and what not to pay for , at random . At that point , keep in mind , we had no consistent source of water , no electric for refrigeration or food preparation , no heat and we were flushing toilets carrying water from our pool outside . I went and purchased kerosene heaters , a propane camp stove , candles and more candles . We showered at relatives ' houses , did laundry at families ' houses or a laundromat . You do what you need to do to survive . Darren finally rerouted one breaker in my house , so we had the ability to use extension cords in order to get some amenities back and try to get back to living in normal , humane conditions . During this time , I was reminded how people lost their minds when they lost power for 3 to 7 days after Hurricane Sandy . Seven days was nothing to us at that point . It was the middle of January 2013 when my electrician and I confronted Edgar about the condition of the house and how $ 3600 wasn 't sufficient and that our living conditions were not acceptable . The confrontation occurred after reading my homeowners policy . I had one of the best policies that money could buy from State Farm ! I had coverages that I didn 't even know I had , like temporary housing ! He let us suffer in this house , never mentioning what coverages I was entitled to . Once I mentioned alternate housing and Darren kept pushing on costs of electrical repair and how unsafe this house was , then he agreed to put us up in a hotel . That was conditional on my allowing State Farm to bring in an electrical engineer . I agreed to let them bring in an engineer , if it meant running water , hot showers and heat somewhere . Darren truly felt the electrical was unsafe and wanted the entire electrical system shut down , but Edgar said all electrical must stay on for the engineer to do his job . We checked into the Marriott Residence Inn : I , my children and two dogs . Just to be able to take a shower was heaven . Just to turn on a light , watch TV , not having to worry about where we were going to charge my phone or to worry about yet another electrical issue or a fire in the house . A few days after we started staying at the hotel , I met the engineer at my house . Edgar who was supposed to be there , never showed . I went through the entire house with the engineer , explained everything , and showed him everything that was damaged . He even called and spoke with my electrician . When the engineer finished , he verbally told me he was in agreement with my electrician , the house was not safe and that , indeed , all my wiring and light fixtures need to be replaced , as the damage he could see to wires was significant . Furthermore , he believed the wires in the wall would yield further evidence . He told me his report would be given to State Farm in a day or two and I would hear back from Edgar . He assured me that it was a pretty straight forward evaluation and not to worry ; my house would be getting fixed in no time . I didn 't hear back from State Farm . Instead , I heard back from the engineer who told me that State Farm questioned his initial report and that he would need to come back for another inspection and bring a certified electrician . He said that he was just doing what he was told to do . When I questioned him , since he was contradicting himself , he said " I 'm doing what I 'm told to do . I need my job . " When I spoke to Edgar about that , he said that was customary so I allowed the second inspection . READ MORE The Final Government Objective : Enslave or Kill Us AllI asked Darren to be present along with Edgar . Darren was there . Edgar said he didn 't need to be there . That second interaction was completely different from the first . The engineer had gone from helpful and concerned to evasive and nervous , and unable to look me in the eye . He was only there for the certified electrician to complete an entire electrical inspection . It was during that inspection that Darren said , " Colleen , they aren 't focusing on damage ; they are focusing on looking at what isn 't current electrical code . " He then said , " You need to hire an adjuster and fast . " They weren 't looking for damage ; they were looking for reasons to not pay for damage . Either the next day or the day following that , Edgar called me and told me that the only damage to my electrical system they could attribute to the surge was minimal , and that he would figure the repair cost . He said temporary housing was no longer going to be provided , as the engineer said my home was safe and habitable . Furthermore , all my breakers , except a few , that could be put back on , were put back on , and we needed to vacate the hotel immediately . When I told him I didn 't feel safe going back to the house , he then told me then I didn 't have to return but I would be financially responsible for the hotel bill from that point on . The sign on the door said the suite we were staying in was almost $ 400 a night . I couldn 't afford the hotel stay . We had no option other than to pack up and leave . I 'll never forget the day we were forced to leave the hotel . Neither will my son - it was the day before his 16th birthday and his birthday was ruined . Edgar knew it was Adam 's birthday . I had explained about switching party plans to the hotel and then those plans were undone with one phone call . Adam was so upset and , ultimately , we had no party other than cake , presents and dinner out the next day . You see Adam suffers from PTSD and an anxiety disorder . Any change in his surroundings or plans is a huge adjustment for him . Edgar knew this too ; he just didn 't care . That 's the impression I was getting from the beginning and continuously from State Farm - they didn 't care . All the while , everywhere I turned I 'd see the State Farm commercial or jingle " Like a good neighbor , State Farm is there . " I asked Edgar to provide me with a statement that my home was indeed safe for us to return . He literally laughed at me and said they couldn 't do that . I asked for the copy of the second engineer 's report . He said he hadn 't received it yet . He had concluded the damage of my home and the safety of my home after having a phone conversation with the engineer . That weekend I finally listened to Darren and contacted a private adjuster . The adjuster got involved immediately and coordinated a meeting with the State Farm adjuster after surveying the damage to my home . I believe the first estimate from my private adjuster was around $ 75 , 000 . State Farm argued back and forth for weeks . My adjuster was making no headway whatsoever . While they 're arguing , we 're suffering living in a house in the middle of winter with no heat , bursting pipes , frozen pipes , etc . It was torture . If you want to torture someone , take away their heat in the dead of winter . Have you ever been so cold that you can 't sleep or are afraid to sleep because you fear you might freeze to death or your kids will freeze to death ? I have . Then , further , take away refrigeration , their ability to cook food . I cooked many meals outside in below freezing temperatures on a camp stove and grill . I cried through many meals and many nights . It was during this time living back in my home that I almost stopped sleeping all together . I was afraid to go to sleep while my children slept . I was afraid of a fire . Even though we had talking smoke detectors , I was still fearful . My kids would leave for school and I 'd catch a cat nap of an hour or two - maybe three . I couldn 't seem to sleep past three hours - honestly . Two - and - a - half years later , I still can 't sleep for more than 2 to 3 hours at a time . It was during this time back in the house Darren had rerouted an electrical circuit for us . I had four working outlets in my house . Woohoo ! I went out and bought four 100 - foot extension cords . I had a refrigerator again - such excitement - you don 't learn to appreciate something until you don 't have it . We had an extension cord to the family room , so we could watch TV ! Well that was the plan until the TV wasn 't working and we realized the DVR was damaged . Then , I soon was able to check and see that every TV and piece of Directv equipment wasn 't functioning . Only more appliances to add to the ever - growing list of things that stopped working after the meter incident . Then finally , I was able to set up a make shift kitchen - in my living room . I wouldn 't have to cook outside in freezing temperatures , rain and snow . I bought a hot plate , crockpot , toaster oven , new microwave . It was a somewhat normal kitchen under the circumstances . I was glad to have it . We still didn 't have lights , but it was more than we had before . We were surviving by heating small areas of my house with kerosene heaters and then we 'd sleep in the family room . Our bedrooms became places we just went to get clothes , either to wear or to pack up to do laundry somewhere . Things by no means were great , but it was better than it had been . Better until the night of , I believe , February 22 , 2013 . I was up in my room packing clothes and trying to decide what to throw out , as so many of my clothes smelled musty and smelled of chemicals or burnt plastic . My daughter was doing the same in her room . All of a sudden , she came running into my room to tell me she saw lights flashing outside by the front of the house - blue lights - white lights - like lightning . We ran downstairs and , through my basement door , I see my electrical panel sparking and popping , and then what little power we had , went off . I watched electricity shoot out of a copper pipe , the same well pump pipe I had already repaired . Immediately , I called PECO to report an electrical emergency and got everyone outside and waited for PECO to arrive . I frantically , and carefully , shut down the main power switch in the electrical panel . It 's a miracle I wasn 't electrocuted . Why did I shut it down ? Because the lady on the phone told me I was responsible to secure the house . Really ? That is happening and this lady is giving me a canned speech on liability . Yes ! Really ! So , I waited for PECO . And waited . Then I called PECO again and was told they were busy . I went back to the basement to check it again and still could hear electricity humming , yet we had no power in the house . Once again , water was all over my basement flooding out from the water supply and also from the heating system . I walked outside and I could hear electricity in the power line coming to my house . It was at that point I realized that the incident back in January - that noise that I couldn 't determine what it was before the flash of light - was the noise of electricity traveling . Electricity makes a sound . Who knew ? So when did PECO finally show up ? A day later . My electrician and adjuster were there and left before PECO ever got there . PECO refused to meet with either of them . The PECO technician first looked outside and said he saw nothing wrong . He then came into my house and told me my panel had arced out and kept telling me the problem wasn 't PECO 's , it was my house . He kept shining his light on my panel and said , " See all those blue sparkles . That 's what 's left behind after an electrical arcing incident . " He asked me who shut off my panel . I told him I did because I feared a fire . He asked me what all the water was from . I told him electricity came out of the pipes and that I saw it with my own eyes . He said , " Well problems in the house weren 't PECO 's problem . " I argued that PECO created this problem . I told him what had happened back in January . He knew of the problems with smart meters , fires and surges during installation . And he flat out told me PECO would deny any responsibility . He was the first honest PECO person I had spoken to . He told me to file a homeowner 's insurance claim . I told him I did . He said , " That 's the only way you 'll get things fixed , " and he left although not before denying we ever had the conversation we had about his employer . His words were , " I have bills to pay and I need my job , and people who rock the boat end up thrown overboard , if you know what I mean . " Additionally , he told me about the whistleblower about smart meters , who was an installer . He said , " That guy will never work again in the industry . " While I can understand that , how many other PECO employees remain silenced out of fear ? I 'd bet there are many . If you Google whistleblower about smart meters , you 'll find a few . You 'll even find unlawful termination lawsuits . That is when I realized this smart meter issue was way bigger than just me . Way bigger than just PECO . Surges and fires - they 're occurring worldwide . It 's not just the Sensus meters - it 's all the Smart Meters that are manufactured . Spend a few hours researching and you 'll see what I mean . So here we were again . Back to no water , no heat , no electric power again . Now it 's all out survival mode day in , day out . Everything had to be planned down to where and when we could shower . Trips made to buy ice . Trips to buy kerosene , bottled water , and more candles . Our lives turned upside down again . Homework was done by candlelight . Where to go to charge cell phones and laptops for the kids to do homework . You either adapt or you go crazy , or both . We borrowed a generator , but that was just too costly . You 'd be surprised how quickly money is spent under those circumstances . Any savings I had was now gone . Looking for a job was / is impossible , there 's no time for that - not to mention no computer access . No television . We can 't talk on the phone because you need it for an emergency . Buy more blankets , learn to layer clothes . Wear gloves , scarfs and hats - to go to sleep . My new attorney asked for a statement of habitability and safety from State Farm . That was how we were provided housing . Housing that is completely covered in my policy ! Housing that should have been provided from day one ! We checked back into the Marriott only to find out that ALE , the company who works for State Farm , paid for a hotel for us since January . Crazy ? ( Feel free to contact the Marriott for those records . ) I didn 't understand how such an outrageous error could be made . I was furious too ! Thousands of dollars paid for a hotel we were told to leave YET State Farm was refusing to reimburse me for food , appliances , meals , laundry , etc . Then all of the sudden , Edgar is abruptly changing his story that he never told us to leave . WHAT ? Yes , that was now his NEW story . Unbelievable ! But , I finally thought things were getting on track for my house to get fixed . I honestly did . While the hotel wasn 't ideal , it was the Taj Mahal compared to my house now because the hotel was warm , had electricity and water . While I finally felt safe at the hotel , the lack of sleep and nightmares were still occurring . For the first time , State Farm asked for receipts to start reimbursing my personal expenses from this ordeal , which was around $ 15 , 000 at that point . Progress ? No , just an excuse to formally deny paying them . State Farm was insisting upon restoring electrical power to the house because they could not determine damage without it . Edgar told Darren to start repairs and not to worry , he would be paid . To this day ( June 19 , 2015 ) , Darren has never been paid . When the majority of repairs were made , State Farm said they could not determine which were caused by the original electrical event in January 2013 . They refused to bring another engineer back in . I brought more contractors in to assess damage and got estimates only for State Farm to deny them and refuse payment for work to begin . You 'd be amazed how many contractors don 't want to work when they don 't know if they are getting paid . ( Sarcasm intended . ) Darren , though , tried to help . He paid for many things out of pocket , and I would gladly furnish his contact information so you can speak with him . So , now we 're living in a hotel . We 're crammed into a small hotel suite . I , my two teenagers , and two dogs were living in 800 square feet of hotel room space . At that point , I 'm in financial shambles . I 'm mentally broken but still trying to get through each day that seemed to bring more drama . It was the beginning of April 2014 , and while still arguing back and forth with State Farm , I had an attorney to handle that . Then my mother got ill - very ill . She was rushed from her nursing facility to the hospital and , even though she had many other ailments , what she now had was C - Diff . With all her other health issues , she just never recovered and she passed away a little shy of two weeks later . My mother was literally dying in the hospital and Edgar , who constantly says he can 't be contacting me because I have an attorney , is contacting me . Why ? Because he wanted access to my house again , and because if I didn 't give him access , he was closing the claim . I 'm going to say that man has a real problem with women . It started from day one and continued . I 'd even go so far to say that if I were a man , my house would have been fixed . He told some bizarre story on one visit about Eve , the temptress , and how women were the downfall of men and ultimately the world . THAT was the mentality I was dealing with . The man apparently wasn 't politically correct by the previous relaying of his intrigue over ancient cultures and fascinations with sex slaves and dungeons . Darren also was privy to those stories . So anyway , I met my attorney , Darren , and Edgar at the house - again . My time would have been better spent with my dying mother . That meeting was a waste of time . I went back to the hospital and now I was dealing with my Mother , who was thinking she was dying and didn 't want to die in the hospital , and was begging me to take her home with me , to die . I had to explain to her , as she was convinced she was dying , what 's happened to the house . She had decided she was dying and now also was devastated that the house was damaged . She was upset that we were in a hotel . She was worried about her things in the house . Her health deteriorated after that , and she did die . The doctors and nurses were hopeful until she took a turn for the worse . It was like she gave up . My mother was a fighter . She almost died several times , but like I said , this time was different . She passed away , arrangements were being made and then Edgar wanted to meet at the house again . He always picked the date . I asked my attorney to schedule it for another day , since Edgar wanted to meet the day of the funeral . Even after he knew it was my Mother 's funeral . I ended up meeting him the day after the funeral . My attorney advised me to provide State Farm with a death certificate , since my mother was listed on the deed . I did . Also , I provided him that same day with more receipts , since , per State Farm , I needed to start removing property from my house . I had to rent a POD and start packing up my house and belongings by myself so that walls and floors could be removed in order to look for damage . State Farm refused to pay for help to pack , packing supplies , etc . Par for the course . Their MO is you need to do this , you pay for it , and then we 'll determine if we 're going to pay for it at a later date . If you don 't comply with what you 're told to do , they threaten with canceling the claim . So Darren was completing some electrical work per State Farm , and State Farm was refusing to review ANY other damage estimates from contractors and my private adjuster . My private adjuster decided that State Farm wasn 't going to pay and , if they did , I wouldn 't have enough money to fix my house , having to pay them and an attorney too . They turned over everything to my attorney . My attorney tried to negotiate the estimate with State Farm . They weren 't interested in negotiating . State Farm wanted to bring in a certified State Farm contractor . A company named ServPro . So , my attorney , I , Edgar and about 7 contractors with ServPro met at my home to survey the damage and come up with an agreed upon estimate of cost for repairs . It was through that meeting that I met David and Sean . They were subcontractors for ServPro . David is an electrical engineer and a certified electrician AND a previous employee of PECO ! Sean is a General contractor , who has fixed his fair share of damaged properties or knew of several properties in the area that were damaged by - you guessed it - SMART METERS ! So , they gave me their cards in case I needed them for the future . Within days , they turn over their portion of the estimates to ServPro so ServPro can prepare a final estimate for me . That 's key here - for ME ! READ MORE US Gov 't Proves Love for ISIS as Bill to ' Stop Arming Terrorists ' Gets Only 13 SupportersEdgar made it quite clear : he could have NO interaction with them . ServPro was there on my behalf . Well , weeks went by and I 'm being told by Davita at ServPro that they are still waiting on estimates from their subcontractors . Plus now there are problems with the insurance policy and meeting code enforcement issues . You see , it 's May and at that point , I had no patience left with this entire process and my daughter was graduating from high school . I had scheduled a graduation party in my backyard in June ! I had ordered the party invitations back in December before all this happened . And I had ServPro telling me not to worry - my house will be fixed by then - if they had to work every day . Finally , I got a phone call from David , who wanted to follow up on whether I had decided to have ServPro do the work . I told him I was told they were still waiting on estimates . He told me that he turned in his engineering report and his electrical estimate within days of the meeting , , and he had talked with Sean before he called me and that Sean turned his in as well . So , what was I waiting for then ? So , David then sent me his estimate and Sean sent me his estimates , which total at that point around $ 140 , 000 . I send them to my attorney . You know what ServPro was waiting for ? They were waiting for Edgar to review the estimate ServPro prepared for me that Edgar was not even supposed to see until he got it from me . When I finally received the estimate from ServPro , it was for around $ 53 , 000 . A far cry ( $ 87 , 000 less ) from the estimates turned over by David and Sean . Interesting ? So my attorney advised this : Let State Farm cut the check , as more money can always be negotiated at a later date . So , finally State Farm issued the check ; my attorney received it ; and he called to say he received it , BUT we can 't cash the check . Why can 't we cash the check ? Because State Farm has put my deceased mother 's name on the check and dead people can 't sign checks . So , my attorney pointed out their error . State Farm says it 's not an error - that their process . My attorney returned the check and told them they were wrong and to resend a check . WE asked to have Edgar removed from my claim for his blatant errors and behavior . Then State Farm denies ANY knowledge of Mother 's death and a receipt of a death certificate . I 'm going to assume they blamed Edgar . We had to give them another death certificate and then they would re - issue the check , and they would assign another claim rep . We furnished the death certificate ; they assigned a new adjuster , Kyle , who needed to go over the ENTIRE claim - AGAIN ! They finally agreed to cut another check . By the time they finally did that , I held a graduation party at my house with porta - potties because my attorney and State Farm said if anyone were injured inside the house , State Farm wouldn 't be liable . My attorney received the check from State Farm and called me with more bad news . Now they 've removed my Mother 's name , but now it 's made payable to my mortgage company , my attorney , me and the Estate of my Mother , which State Farm says is their policy and now I 'll have to file an estate in order to obtain the funds . I believe we got the check August 28 and they allowed 60 days for repairs , but said they would stop paying for the hotel on October 28th . They kept their word . They stopped paying EXACTLY on October 28 . The check hadn 't even been cashed . Ultimately , I was able to show that State Farm was wrong and I didn 't need to establish an estate . By that time , we were back in the house , had had another fire in November of 2013 , and were living with family members and friends . We were shuffling from house to house while leaving two dogs in an uninhabitable house . Now I must digress for another back story . In May of 2014 , my mortgage company returned my mortgage payment . They claimed that I was in violation of my unemployment forbearance program because why ? Because I was not residing in the house ! They said I was not truthful to them , that State Farm told them I was residing elsewhere and I never should have been put on the program starting February 1st . So , in June 2014 , they declared me in default , removed my forbearance and filed for foreclosure . I kid you not . So remember how furious I was and couldn 't make sense WHY State Farm would continue to pay for a hotel after we 're kicked out ? Suddenly everything made sense : the mortgage company 's criterion was if I resided outside of the property for more than 90 days , I was in default . Coincidence ? I think not . Since I was not at the house when the papers were served , I actually never received the papers . I did receive , in the mail , the county conciliation paperwork and signed up to begin that program . The mediator for that program was appalled and stayed the foreclosure . I can provide that documentation . He urged my mortgage company to negotiate SOMETHING - ANYTHING - under the circumstances . They refused . In fact , THEY wanted ANY and ALL insurance monies . Now you see why the mortgage company was put on those checks that were finally dispersed . Now let me digress further about another piece to this story . Back to the PUC - that PUC , who took almost a year to do nothing about my original informal complaint . The PUC , who said they sent documents , but obviously never did . I never got them . Neither did my attorney . I contacted the PUC again to follow up on my complaint to find out that it 's been closed . I have to file a new complaint . Why ? Because all of the months there was no electric service or minimal electric , all the months we didn 't live in the house , the electric bills were outrageously high ! So now a high bill complaint had to get filed . PECO came out to investigate in August 2013 , I believe . That technician agreed I was not using the power my meter was saying I was using - it was impossible . That was before the fire . The fire was the Tuesday before Thanksgiving 2013 . PECO agreed to credit me $ 1600 then , I believe , ultimately reversed that credit . After the fire , there once again was no electric service in my house , but I ' magically ' still showed electric usage . The service panel was finally put in the end of February . That was 2014 . The PUC did nothing with that complaint - again ! I complained again to the PUC about high bills and high usage for what I had in the house . It was almost an entire year later that I received anything from the PUC . PECO came out , I believe this past March or April 2015 , and determined that my usage was correct for what they saw at the property . They listed every appliance that they saw , including my hot tub . Even though I told them the appliances were broken - not even plugged in - they were included in the use assessment . You see , according to PECO , if they are there , they have a potential for use . So , my dishwasher that 's been disconnected because it 's still sitting there damaged , according to their formula , gets added in . My hot tub , which hasn 't worked since the initial incident on January 4 , 2013 , doesn 't even have a breaker for it in my panel , but it still counts . My heating system , even though it doesn 't work , there is no breaker in my panel , it counts in their usage formula AND COUNTS against me . They compared previous years billings and they 're consistent with previous years . They don 't take into account in previous years I had a washer and dryer , dishwasher , double oven , cooktop , 5 air conditioners in the summer , a pool , a hot tub , and a working heating system . Every electronic and device of comfort you 'd have in a typical 3800 square foot house in Yardley , PA , and then some . You get my point ? Now I have a cooktop , an oven , microwave , 10 working outlets , a hot water heater ( my hot water was my oil boiler before ) , I have 1 TV instead of 5 . I have the wired electric service of a small apartment ! A formal complaint has been awaiting a hearing date , which seems like forever . That is my current situation . I finally just got a working kitchen sink . That was my excitement for the month of May 2015 . Prior to that , I had to use a 5 gallon bucket under the pipe in the kitchen , and then dump it in my ONLY functioning toilet . I don 't have people over to visit me in my home ; I 'm a hermit now . My house is in shambles , and I 'm too embarrassed to have anyone come here . One or two close friends only . Okay , so back to State Farm and their check payment . My attorney 's head at that time was spinning trying to keep up with the mess of this situation . He said our only alternative at that point was to file a lawsuit and what a mess it was going to be . He started preparing at the end of November 2013 . I believe it was officially recorded and filed in January of 2014 . While he did that he explained that litigation is a long drawn out process and I needed to file a complaint with the Pennsylvania insurance commission in the interim so that maybe we could get some quick resolve there with State Farm . I needed to get some things fixed in my house , otherwise I was going to be homeless until we got to court . There 's a complaint listed there , if anyone wants to look that up . That complaint also includes the fact that State Farm illegally canceled my auto insurance without my knowledge . Seriously , I 'm not kidding . The insurance commission was of no help at all . Once they saw a formal lawsuit , they wanted no involvement whatsoever . If you check the Philadelphia civil court docket , you will see a civil suit filed against PECO , GRID ONE and State Farm . You can read a lot more of the story in that filing . It 's public information . It 's too large of a file to attach to an email . My children and I did not live in the house from February 2013 through November 2013 . We moved back November 7 , 2013 and had another fire the Tuesday before Thanksgiving , as I mentioned previously . We moved back in permanently in March of 2014 . My home still is not repaired . Overall , the damage to my house is closer to $ 400 , 000 now . I need mold remediation , new carpets and padding throughout the house . I can 't even get full estimates from people . Damage is so extensive , they want to be paid for estimates . I live under the constant threat of my electricity being shut off . They have shut it off because I can 't afford the bills . PECO made me apply for their CAP program and then refused to process my application . They want to come back and inspect my house - again . Not for my benefit or to be helpful , probably to gather more evidence for themselves for the lawsuit . Get this … PECO claims the meter on my house , according to their records , is the original meter installed on January 4 , 2013 . They apparently are doctoring records now . They have to be . I want to tell you these last two things and I can show you pictures too . One photograph is of a meter that I found behind a box by my electrical panel in my garage . I was cleaning the garage . It hadn 't been cleaned since the Fall ( 2012 ) before this nightmare began . So I found it and started calling every contractor who had been to my house . No one is missing it . I turned that meter device over and what does it say on it . Property of PECO ! A second photograph is of a direct metering device that is attached to my transformer and the power lines to my house . A man in an unmarked van put it there . According to two fairly knowledgeable people , PECO had to have installed it since it 's attached to their equipment , but PECO has no idea what I 'm talking about . I refuse to let them on my property to evaluate usage again . I suppose this is their work around ? I 've been told it 's a computer of sorts : it talks to my smart meter . It 's a super grid device . Since PECO 's super grid isn 't complete , they do this ? If I 'm to believe what I 'm being told , that device knows I woke up to my cell phone alarm at 7 this morning , brewed myself a cup of coffee at 7 : 10 , and another at 7 : 25 , . and another at 8 . Then , I took a shower for 10 minutes and washed dishes after that . That 's an invasion of privacy - but how much ? Truth is stranger than fiction ! I won 't stay quiet any longer . I 've been pushed to limits that no human being should be pushed to . We have lived through the winters of 2013 , 2014 and 2015 without heat . The house is overrun with mold . I have numerous contractors who are willing to speak to anyone on my behalf . Two - and - a - half years later , this has been - and still is - a nightmare and an emotionally crippling time for me and my children . I need help . I need someone to listen to my story . There is much more to this story , but I feel like I have written a book already . I 'd like you to come to my house , see the conditions for yourself and hear from me and my kids . Please . All the problems stem from the PA PUC interpreting it as what the PA PUC believed the legislators wanted and implemented it as such in their implementation regulations for utility companies , which is totally illegal and what 's called over - reach . No one can make laws in Pennsylvania except the state legislative body . The PA PUC has overstepped its agency powers , and must be prosecuted for that malfeasance , rather than the PUC prosecuting utility customers for non - compliance with what both PECO and the PA PUC contend is a ' valid law ' . Utility customers - electric , gas , and water - everywhere need to know what 's going on that is impacting their safety and daily lives regarding and stemming from Smart Meters . Catherine J Frompovich ( website ) is a retired natural nutritionist who earned advanced degrees in Nutrition and Holistic Health Sciences , Certification in Orthomolecular Theory and Practice plus Paralegal Studies . Her work has been published in national and airline magazines since the early 1980s . Catherine authored numerous books on health issues along with co - authoring papers and monographs with physicians , nurses , and holistic healthcare professionals . She has been a consumer healthcare researcher 35 years and counting . |
I had dry heaves for the first time this pregnancy this morning . I would rate it below actual vomiting and higher than just plain nausea . Took me by suprize . Been very tired all day and really feel like I could vomit at any moment . Good thing I had a preggo pop left otherwise I am almost certain I would have puked walking the dogs tonight . Also feeling very weepy tonight thinking about Lucky . I 've been doing pretty good in that regard . I think maybe because we have an appointment for her second treatment tomorrow . Since she seems to be feeling and acting normal , it has been somewhat easy to think that everything is going to be okay or that nothing is really wrong . Then , the reality of another treatment comes up making me really sad all over . Nothing will ever be as bad as the initial shock though . My quad screen results are in , but I don 't have them yet . They were supposed to be faxed to Dr . D 's office , but when I called I was told they didn 't get them so I called back and asked that they get re - faxed . I have an appointment with Dr . D ( ultrasound ) tomorrow and hopefully I will get the quad screen results then . Hopefully , the baby is still alive and will cooperate so that Dr . D can finish seing what he needs to and I can find out the gender . Off to go lay down . Did I mention how tired I am today ? Had dinner with my mom and I just wanted to lay down in the booth and go to sleep . I may have to move to maternity ware soon . I 'm back to not wanting ANYTHING to touch my belly . Maybe it just seems worse today because I feel sick . There are so many things that I really should be doing , but hell , as I found out recently , life is short and I am going to blog first ! Just because I want to . In talking to friends and family about Lucky and moving forward with treatment , almost every single one of them brought up the cost . It was a reminder to me that in cases like this I am glad that I am single and the only person that has to agree on how I spend my money is me . I earned it . No one else has a say in it . So , I won 't get my house painted this year . It won 't be the first or even the second time I have pushed this off . I am used to my multi - colored walls by now that I have " tested " paint colors on . So , I won 't get a few trees removed like I have been thinking about / wanting to . So , maybe I won 't get my wooden floor that buckled in all the rains this winter repaired right now . My mom started lecture me on pet insurance . As I politely told her , last time I researched it , pet insurance would not cover this or most other treatments . Typically , at least the last time I checked ( so maybe it has changed ) it only covered routing office visits and shots . I had lunch with a good friend . We actually met through our dogs when Lucky was a puppy about 7 or 8 years ago . She basically told me I was a fool for spending the money without a guaranteed outcome and that I should " save " the money for when the baby is born because , as I will find out , I will need it then . I was surprised that she was so judgmental and so against it . She usually isn 't like that . I guess in her mind , I should just let Lucky die . She backed off when I started crying and told her that I just couldn 't let Lucky go without a fight . I couldn 't loose her in 3 months or worse have her live a few months longer and not be able to be there for her as she is dying because I am in the hospital with a new baby . I have been told that I " can get another dog " , while it won 't be Lucky , it will help . I have tried to explain that I trust implicitly the dogs I have with a baby / young chPosted by I have so many thoughts rattling around in my brain that I am not quite sure where to start and if I can get them out in any logical , coherent manner . I am up in the middle of the night again . I can 't speak for the pre - pregnancy era , but post pregnancy I have noticed that me being up in the middle of the night correlates to having a BM in the middle of the night . If I just have to pee , no problem . I 'm back to sleep quickly . If not , I 'm up for awhile . Sigh . Monday was a horrible day . I couldn 't stop crying from the shock of hearing how sick Lucky is and that I will likely loose her . I took her back to the vet for x - rays to see if her internal lymph nodes were swollen . They didn 't appear to be . Then , I came home crawled in bed sobbing for awhile while trying to uselessly take a nap . The vet called back with the x - ray results and options . I set up appointments with the Radiologist for Tuesday and the Oncologist for Wednesday . And , took the dogs to the beach . I used a whole roll of film mostly taking pictures of Lucky having a great time . On the way home , I stopped by the vets to pick up the x - rays and referral reports for both the upcoming appointments . Tuesday I tried to catch up on work and left early take Lucky to the Radiologist for an ultrasound and a biopsy of her liver and spleen to see if the cancer had invaded those organs yet . I was a tad annoyed because when I made the appointment I specifically asked how long it took to get the results back and whether I would get them back in time for the Oncologist appointment because they had a morning and an afternoon appointment available . I was told it didn 't matter , but when I talked to the dr . she said it would take 24 hours . If I would have taken the early appointment , I could have had them back in time . I would have had to re - arrange about 4 meetings for work to take the early appointment , but would have done it . Wednesday I had my staff meeting with my team and left for the Oncologist and made it back several hours later about 15 min . late for my bossPosted by I can barely stop crying . Without treatment she has 2 - 3 months to live . With treatment , maybe 6 months to 2 / 3 years . Without additional testing , they don 't know the grade or how wide spread . She needs an X - ray to see if the internal Lymph nodes are affect and testing of her liver and spleen . Then , a referral to a specialist . I can 't remember what kind . Dr . C says that we don 't really know if we caught it early because I just had her in a few weeks ago and her lymph nodes weren 't swollen then because they can go up and down within days . Treatment is estimated at $ 2K up for a 3 month period . There are no guarantees that this will put her in remission . The chemo could be oral drugs or injections . Some dogs tolerate this well and some don 't . I am still in shock and have taken today as a vacation day . Whenever I think of my family , Lucky is always a part of that . Me walking the baby and the dog that is what I picture . The baby growing up as Lucky grows old , that is what I picture . I can 't even imagine life without her . She is the best dog in the whole wide world . She is so happy and playful and good with people , especially children . We just met up with her friend Joey on the trail today and they had a grand old time playing . How can she be so sick ? Shadow is 14 and slowing down . I have mentally prepared myself as much as possible for her not living much longer . I never imagined my time with Lucky would be cut short . I am not sure if it fair to her or not , but I think I need to at least try one round of treatment and if that doesn 't work , deal with the consequences . I love her so much , I can 't just let her go yet with out a little fight . I just can 't . I just love her so much . I almost had plans , but they got cancelled at the last minute . So , I have not a darn thing that I HAVE to do today . I love days like this . They are so rare . Now , all I need is to not obsess over Lucky and whether she is okay or not . There was a mix up at the vet clinic . I asked to be called with her test results on my cell phone since I knew that I would be gone most of the day and didn 't want to miss the call , but the Dr . must not have gotten that note and called me on my home phone . I didn 't get the message until about 3 : 50 pm and called the clinic right away because they close at 4 pm on Saturday 's . They must have turned the out of office greeting on early or my clocks were behind and I didn 't get to talk to anyone . Now , I am just worrying , but trying not to panic . Dr . C just said she got the results and to call her back . This tells me that they were not normal , because in the past , if it was normal , she said so in the message . I keep telling myself it can 't be anything too bad , right ? Lucky isn 't acting like she is sick . She still wants to play and hike and get into trouble . Ugh , first thing Monday , I will find out . I hate waiting . I should have checked my messages earlier , but it just didn 't occur to me . My yearly review went just fine . Actually , better than I expected it would . I could write tons about that , but think I will go lay down and be lazy instead . I finished reading this book last night and it just pisses me off when books aren 't ended very well . This author spent 500 pages setting everything up and then rushed through the ending that isn 't even plausible . I hate that . This is the second book I have read recently that didn 't have a good ending . The other one wasn 't really bad , I just didn 't understand it . This one was just plain bad . It was not plausible and after all that work , I just felt the author didn 't know how to end it so made up some stupid implausible ending . Sigh . Maybe I will just stick to t . v for awhile . Okay , probably not . She had ANOTHER trip to the vet this morning . If anyone is counting , this is the 3rd trip this month . The reason : Eye Infection . She was in last week ( visit # 2 ) for routine shots that they couldn 't give during visit # 1 because she had an abscess in her paw and required 10 days of antibiotics . It hasn 't been her month . However , I just hope that is the least of her / our problems . While she was in today , Dr . C noticed that all of her lymph nodes were swollen and did a biopsy on 3 of them . She saw abnormal cells and is sending them to a pathologist for further analysis . We are also doing a full blood / urine work - up . Dr . C mentioned the " C " word . Got me kind of scared , but I am trying not to get myself worked up until we get the test results back . LuckyOne of these days , I am going to write a whole post on how pregnancy does make you forgetful . Case in point , on my ttc / pregnancy calendar I wrote that I have an apt . with Dr . P today ( OB ) and next Friday with Dr . D ( Perinatalogist ) . However , on my work calendar , I have next Friday for Dr . P and the Thurs . after that ( 3 / 31 ) with Dr . D . I freaked out because if I did have an appointment today it would be right at the same time as my annual performance review with my boss . This would not be a good thing . Luckily , I called and it really is next week . Too many dr . appointments for me and Lucky to keep straight right now . I am a little worried about my annual performance review . This is the first one with this boss . I have only reported to her since last May . She lives / works in Texas and I live / work in California . She is a regional manager with a lot of responsibility and I only have limited interactions with her . I guess it shouldn 't be too bad since I have gotten 2 bonuses this year , a recognition dinner , and I will still be reporting to her effective 4 / 1 with more responsibility . If she really thought I was doing a crappy job , I am sure I would have been organized out of a job and never seen anything extra . Still , my last boss I reported to for at least 7 years and IPosted by Being the good Catholic girl that I am ( or not ) , I feel the need to proclaim my sin / guilt to the world . As I type this , I am drinking a caffeinated Diet Dr . Pepper . I can 't even remember the last time I had caffeine . I think it was sometime this summer just after the miscarriage . I slept well last night falling asleep by 8 : 30 pm and waking at 6 am , except for waking up at 1 : 30 am starving and with a stuffy nose ; going to the bathroom ( # 1 ) ; blowing my nose ; drinking a glass of milk ; taking the Costco / Kirkland equivalent of Benadryl ; blowing my nose again ; vomiting ; going to the bathroom ( # 2 ) ; blowing my nose again ; and was back to sleep shortly after 2 am . However , today , I am just so tired I can 't even work . I just keep thinking I want to crawl back in bed and sleep more . I have been craving caffeine on and off for few weeks . I actually went so far as to bring a can of soda in from the garage fridge to the house fridge last week , but opted for water or other non - caffeine drinks instead . I may regret it later , but it sure tastes good ! I wonder if this means I am finally become more comfortable with the pregnancy being a happy ever after story . Back to the vomiting , it was more like the hurling early in my pregnancy where you have repeated vomit incidents / expulsions making up one vomit episode . This is unlike my puking on the neighbors lawn a few weeks ago while walking the dogs which were a 1 : 1 vomit incident = vomit episode . The odd thing about last nights " episode " was that I had just drank a glass of milk and taken a Benadryl , but the milk and Benadryl never game up . I vomited up clear liquid / flem for the first 4 or 5 explosions . Then , I vomited up what looked like a ( very , very ) few curdles of sour milk and blood mixed with the flem for the next few . Anyone think I should be concerned with vomiting up blood ? Anyone ? The thing is that when I was blowing my nose , it was bloody snot . I 'm thinking that this is what caused it and I shouldn 't really worry about it and I 'm not , but feeling guilty thinkinPosted by All is well . Baby is measuring about 2w ahead . I brought my VHS and got this ultrasound added . I also got 3 very cool pictures , 2 of which are 4d and a CD of the u / s . The baby was in breach position and face down so we didn 't get to see the gender or the details of the heart . The baby turned his / her face at the last minute so we did get to see that and Dr . D said all looks good . I go back in 2 weeks for another u / s . Yeah ! I had a nice talk with a genetics counselor . We talked about triple screen vs . quad screen . The genetics counselor said the quad screen did reduce the false positive and was 8 - 10 % more accurate that the triple screen . This was less that what I read on the internet , but still high enough that I will likely do it even if I have to pay out of pocket for it . We also talked about amnio and what it really tested for . Dr . D 's complication rate it 1 / 300 . The national average is 1 / 200 . What I didn 't know is that , this rate is for any type of complication such as leakage , etc . and not necessarily a miscarriage rate which is presumably lower . I need to deicide in the next few weeks , like probably my next visit whether or not I am going to do it or not . Still leaning towards not , but open to the possibility . I need to have blood drawn within the next day or so for the triple or quad screen so I can have those results by the next u / s . I have my next OB appointment a week from Friday . And , next L2 u / s is in just over 2 weeks . I love this extra monitoring . I really do . Too bad it won 't keep up for the rest of the pregnancy , but maybe by then I will be able to feel the baby and get daily positive reinforcement . Today is a good day . I have been taking a much needed break . I didn 't even walk into the computer room this weekend . In fact , if you saw me or spoke to me this weekend , you were one of the privileged few . I don 't think I talked to one non - SMC person the whole weekend . Saturday , I attended a local SMC meeting . It was a large group this month and they are always so much fun . I ended up getting home much later than planned . Then , I went into major hibernate mode . I had an official " lay about " for the rest of the weekend . Only left the house to walk the dogs . I moved from room to room laying on my bed , the bed in one of my spare rooms , the couch , etc . I don 't think I even turned on the T . V . I went into the land of fiction and fantasy , reading a murder mystery and starting on a family epic . It was great . I woke up this morning feeling refreshed and rejuvenated . Okay , so I 'm back to feeling tired now , but it was good while it lasted , and I am sure the Peanut M & M 's I had for breakfast didn 't help . I know I have mentioned this is in other places , but I am not sure that I have here , on my blog . March 15th was the due date for my miscarriage this summer . While I am thrilled that I am currently pregnant and in the second trimester for this pregnancy , it has been hard thinking about what might have been / could have been and that I would be almost at the end of this journey , if only … . I can 't even imagine how hard it would be if I was still trying to conceive again . I know that would be much , much worse . I have also been struggling with the fact that pregnancy isn 't what I expected it to be . I expected it to be better . I 'm not talking about the physical aspects . Truth be told , I miss the 1st Tri symptoms ( as sick as that may sound ) and have thought on more than one occasion this last week that I don 't even feel pregnant . During my little break , I realized that symptoms are still there , but they are more subtle and a bit harder to see . I expected the emotional aspects of pregnancy to be better . That I would be happier , more posPosted by I 'm feeling crabby and I feel like complaining . In general , I am ( or at least I THINK I am ) an easy going , positive person . I am not usually one to complain . The most negative I ever remember being , over the long haul , is actually with this pregnancy and whether it will ultimately work out . Over the last day or two , I have come to the conclusion that I must have turned a corner . I have come to realize that I am starting to expect that everything will be okay . I know that , in theory , things can go terribly wrong at any time , but it seems more theoretical at the moment . I find this scary . I have managed to gain almost 4 - 5 lbs the last few days bringing me back to my pre - pregnancy weight . This pisses me off . I was hoping not to be here for at least another month . I have been eating shitty junk all week . I need to be better . It is just so much harder now that the morning sickness / nausea have gone . The thought of unhealthy food those first few months was just so unappealing ; it was easy to eat healthy . I want to give the baby the proper nutrients . I don 't want to get gestational diabetes . I don 't want to have such a large child that I am forced into c - section . I am just finding it REALLY hard this week . I 'm tired . Everyone who has told me that I would feel energetic in the second trimester is a LIAR . I don 't . I 'm not the sleepy , can 't do anything else , but lay down tired like the first tri , but I am not full of energy either . Everything seems to be such an effort . I wake up groggy and have to force myself up and out of bed , which is very unusual for me . Walking / hiking the dogs is just such an effort right now . I don 't really want to do anything or see anyone ( okay , this is a slight exaggeration , but not a total one ) , but I seem to have stuff going on every day . I hurt . My knees hurt . My back hurts . I 'm still waking up at night because my back hurts . I read that I must start to train myself now at 16w to sleep on my left side and that laying flat on your back is a no - no at this point going forward bePosted by My garage is the polling place for my precinct . Too tired to tell the story about how that came about tonight , but I have been doing this for 6 + years now . Tomorrow is a Los Angeles City Election . We are voting for Mayor , City Council , and a few other things that I need to review after I find and dust off my sample ballot . I have no excuse for not voting no matter how small or few items on the ballot . No time to research the issues just doesn 't cut it in my book so I had better get on it . The inspector and poll workers can change from time to time , but surprisingly there are quite a few repeats for my location . I think one of the big draws is that I always make a nice dinner for the workers so they don 't have to worry about rushing out to get something since dinner time is always the busiest time . Chicken Enchiladas are on the menu for tomorrow . ( If any Pasadena SMC ' ers are checking in , get your taste buds ready because I made several batches and plan to take one to our meeting next week ! ) Anyway , the current inspector likes to get everything set up the night before . For City Elections , they use cardboard voting booths that you just recycle afterwards . As we were setting up , she commented that it was too bad that I didn 't have kids because they get a kick out of using them for forts , etc . once the election ( tomorrow ) and run off ( May ) are done . I agreed and told her that I have saved them for my cousins ' kids for when they visit in the summer , but that if things go well , I would have a kid to use them by the end of the year . She stopped what she was doing and said " What ? " I think trying to figure out if she heard me right . LOL . I said , I 'm 4 months pregnant and if all goes well , I should have a kid by the end of the year . She said , " Are congratulations in order ? " I responded by saying that I am very happy and it was a planned pregnancy … the first time I was able to use " my line " . It didn 't stop her cold , like I hoped it would , and she went on to ask if there was a father in the picture . Posted by I saw Dr . Dan today . He is my chiropractor . I haven 't seen him since early to mid November because late November / early December was filled with my cycle and then worrying about miscarrying . Then , my RE didn 't recommend me seeing him as a precaution . I was worried and tired enough that I took that advice and hadn 't scheduled anything . Dr . Dan 's assistant called a month or so ago to see how I was doing since I hadn 't been in so long . I told them about my pregnancy and that my dr . didn 't recommend it . They were thrilled for me , was glad that all was okay , and understood . I don 't think I have mentioned this , but my back has really been bothering me lately . I sit in front of a computer and am on the phone all day . My posture isn 't great and I tend to hold stress into my shoulders . Work has been more stressful lately . Before pregnancy , I would lift weights a few times a week in a short routine developed by Dr . Dan to strengthen , tone , and keep my upper body in alignment . While at the gym , I would also do some basic back stretches . All of that has gone by the way side and it has taken its toll in my back . The last week or so I haven 't been sleeping as well due to the back pain and have gotten more headaches than I can remember and I knew it was because of my back and neck being out of alignment and too tight . I tried to do some home stretching , which helped a little , but I let things get too far gone . I went to see my acupuncturist and she gave me a treatment and a massage , which felt great and helped a little , but not enough . Finally , I called Dr . Dan 's office earlier in the week and asked if he thought treatment would cause a problem for the pregnancy and if he could just do an upper body adjustment , since my RE specifically said lower body ones could cause problems . He said an adjustment and massage would be good and cause no problem for the pregnancy . I really trust his opinion and scheduled an appointment . It was so great to see him . He said today that his son was now 9 and I started seeing him whPosted by My icky crampy feeling went away quickly once I had dinner last night . I guess I just needed some grease and some beef in my diet . Mom and I decided to go to Chili 's . I haven 't been there in years . It is not part of our regular restaurant rotation . As I mentioned , I was looking for something different . They had this one pasta dish that I had last time I went years and years ago that I had a taste ( No , NOT a CRAVING ) for . Unfortunately , it was no longer on the menu . So , grease and beef it was . Mom and I shared an Awesome Blossom and I opted for a hamburger . It hit the spot . I managed to walk the dogs with the dinner staying in tack . Wow , it was actually quite an uneventful walk after the last few nights . I was happy to have enough leftovers to have a nice second helping today . Hmm , it was almost as good . One of these days soon , I really need to make it to the grocery store . Shoot , for that matter , one of these days soon , I really need to empty my dishwasher and water my dying indoor plants . I also should return some of the phone calls that have been coming in that I have missed or been too tired to take . What I will likely do instead is get off the computer , go walk the dogs , open and close my cupboards and fridge several times looking for something desirable to eat , settle on cereal since it is really all I have left ( using the last of the milk ) , read a chapter of this book that is very interesting , before deciding that I can 't keep my eyes open another minute and must fall asleep , wake up in the middle of the night starving and still have nothing to eat , settle on cereal with chocolate milk ( using the last of that ) , hope I fall back asleep , then start all over again tomorrow . I think tomorrow , I really MUST find the energy to get groceries . Interesting , as I write this , I realize my life might revolve around food . Hey , a pregnant lady needs to eat at regular intervals you know ! Also interesting is that while I may feel like I eat all day long and much more than I used to , I have not gained any weight to speakPosted by I was walking my dogs last night . You can see where this is going , right ? We have a couple of set routes we usually take . Lucky 's favorite route and then the others that I convince them to take for variety . Usually , Lucky tries to go on the longest possible route and used to try to pass by the house pretending it wasn 't home to try to get a longer walk . Last night , she was picking a route that would take us almost directly back home . Anyway , I digress . We are walking along on an " off " route . Shadow does her business . I go to pick it up . Gag . Barf . Drat . It is one of the busier streets in the neighborhood . Lucky , who was eating grass during all of this , gets off the grass and barfs . Walks a few steps and barfs again . Both times right on the sidewalk . At least I was considerate enough to barf on the grass . LOL . I thought about trying to pick it up , but decided to not since there was still more in my stomach and I would probably just add to the mess . Oh my ! What a sight ! I figured out why Lucky wanted a short route . After she got it out of her tummy , she has seemed to feel just fine since and changed directions to have a longer trip . I got home and had a headache that wouldn 't quit . I decided to take some Tylenol to try to take the edge off . That stayed down about 3 minutes before coming up with the rest of the contents of my stomach . I think this headache was the closest I have ever come to a migraine . I took a warm bath and then climbed in bed . Reading was out . I didn 't want TV . I just laid there in the dark quietly for awhile and it got better . Work was REALLY busy and I was in meetings or one the phone almost the entire day . I guess I just needed some peace and quite . Switching gears and moving to the here and now , I think I have been doing a good job of not obsessively worrying and keeping my paranoia in check . Currently , I have that icky , crampy , I am about to start my period feeling . It is making me worried . I don 't like it . I don 't mind the being tired , or the vomiting ( even on public streets : Posted by |
A Typical South Louisiana Girl 's Life . . . . NOT ! Join me on this journey that I like to call " life " . It 's a world of friends , family , laughter , crafts , sports , books , and anything goes ! Sunday , December 27 , 2009 Christmas eve , thankfully , was pretty much as it always is for our family . Although the day did start out very doubtful ! Here , in South Louisiana , we awoke to torrential downpours of rain and tornado warnings . It was a great day to sit on the couch and catch up on all recorded shows on the DVR ! I also baked a sweet potato pie . Homemade ! It is for Christmas dinner . I 've done one before , last year , but I was still a little nervous about baking this one . It " appears " to have come out ok . This year , it is my dad , my sister and I . My mom is still in Omaha with my grandparents . Pretty much snowed in . My dad , sister and I went to mass at 4 pm . Then home for our traditional gumbo dinner . It was quite yummy ! Then Dad had us open our gift from our mom . Mom bought us these gorgeous tiger fleur - de - lis silver pendent necklaces . Then we all settled in to watch " Four Christmases " with Vince Vaughn and Reese Weatherspoon . Christmas It has been a good Christmas day . My sister and I must have been on " Santa 's " nice list because we did get some really nice things . I got a radio / cd player for my apartment . Various books . The Bon Jovi CD ( LOVE THEM ! ) . Some sweaters . Snow White DVD and Dirty Dancing DVD . Duke had a good day . He had a stocking full of new toys and bones for him ! He was even decked out in his " Feliz Navidog " shirt ! He was given a huge beef rib bone to gnaw on . That kep him quiet for about an hour ! ! ! Duke tearing into his stocking . He got 2 new toys and a bunch of rawhide bones ! For those who can 't see , his shirt says " Feliz Navidog " . Spoke to my niece and nephew . They were so excited about Christmas . I love hearing kids talk about Christmas ! Marly was up at 2 am ! ! ! Parker was up at 5 : 45 am ! ! ! However , they were both warned they couldn 't come down till 7 am or they couldn 't open present till 6 pm ! ! ! LOL ! ! ! They managed to keep themselves occupied in their rooms till 7 ! They absolutely loved everything they received . Spoke to all the family members . They were all figuring out how to get to my grandparents for Christmas . There is so much snow on the ground that church services were cancelled ! I think my mom said the temperature was 9 degrees ! Last time we spoke , everyone had made it to my grandmother 's for dinner ! Had an opportunity to speak to my friend Jason today . He is a good friend from college . This is his first Christmas as a married man although he and his wife are not together . He went home to Tennessee to be with his dad and she was out of vacation time ! So sad . However , I think Jason has given me the best news today ! I am going to be an Aunt again ! He and Johana are expecting a baby this summer . I can 't wait ! ! ! We saw " Sherlock Holmes " this year for our Christmas movie . I adore Robert Downey Jr . so I LOVED the movie ! ! It is dark but does have many numerous funny spots in it . Saturday was an 8 hour shopping marathon with my sister . I was exhausted . We shopped 2 malls and one outdoor shopping center . While we traveled less than 20 miles , I felt like we had traveled the state ! But it was a great day ! Shopping and lunch with my little sister . Dinner with my dad . It was an overall great day ! ! ! We did get some good deals . Plus we " had " to start spending our gift cards ! They were burning holes in our wallets ! ! ! Dad sent me home shortly after dinner because he said I was " looking bad . " LOL Leave it to Dad to be so blunt ! These are two of the goodies I bought myself for Christmas . They were my holiday retail therapy ! ! ! : ) My pretty new Coach purse ! ! ! When I got home , my new radio / cd player was set up and ready to go . Dad had come over to walk Duke while I was out and just couldn 't resist putting it together for me and testing it out ! LOL I was just so tired the night before that I hadn 't put it together . But now I can listen to my new Bon Jovi CD ! Yay ! ! ! ! I always dread the holidays because it reminds me of how alone I am . But this holiday , I had a great time ! I had a great 4 days with my little sister ! Dad was wonderful . We did miss Mom but we know she was having a good time with her parents and shoveling snow ( she 's currently in the midwest where they are snowed in ! ) . I am not looking forward to this week . But the bright side is that I only have to work 3 days then off for 4 days ! I 'm thinking those 4 days are going to be a lot more quiet than the 4 days of Christmas ! ! ! Posted by At this moment , it is quite peaceful in my home . Duke is sleeping on the couch . No tv . No radio . Just the sound of me pecking away at the keys on the keyboard . This weekend was hectic . Hmmm . Hectic may not be the word . Stressful . Stressful is more descriptive . Two of my friends ( may have to rethink that after this weekend ) decided that it was time for me to get a cat again . I had a cat for 10 years and he passed away a little over a year ago on the day Hurricane Ike decided to come through . Anyway , so it has just been Duke and I since that time . We 've adjusted well . Duke has especially liked being an only child and getting all the attention . My friends were at the Farmer 's Market on Saturday morning and saw a rescue group showing cats . One of the cats was a flamepoint himalayan . He was beautiful . Very laid back . Declawed . Neutered . 1 1 / 2 years old . Sounds pretty good , huh ? They instantly thought of me . So they both chipped in on the adoption cost with the condition that if I didn 't like the cat , I could return him . So , thus I became an owner , rather reluctant one , to a cat . He really was a good cat . Didn 't come out from under the bed for almost two whole days , but when he did , he made his presence known . He loved to talk . Meow , meow , meow , meow ! ! ! ! And did I mention he was 13 pounds ? 13 pounds of pure love ! ! He had a way of making his presence known ! On the second night , as I was trying to sleep , he came out of no where and landed on my chest . All 13 pounds of him . Duke was ok with him . As long as he didn 't get too close to me or his toys . And other times , he enjoyed chasing him as he attempted to hump the cat . You would think I 'd never had him neutered ! ! ! How do you explain to the dog that the cat is not his sex toy ? But the 2 main problems I had with the cat was I just am not ready to have another cat . I actually think I will never want another cat again . And the second was that , my mother is right , I am allergic to cats . I 've had this nagging cough for weeks now ( and according to the doctor could last a few more weeks ) , then add a long haired cat who liked to sit very close to my nose . I thought I couldn 't breathe before , I really couldn 't now . It was very hard to do but I returned him to his foster mom . He really was a sweet loving cat and I think that Duke liked having a companion around . Maybe in 2010 I 'll get another minature poodle or a poodle mix dog . But for now , no more cats ! And yet again , we have turnover in our office . One of the newest employees has been offered a position that she just couldn 't refuse . I completely understand . More flexible hours , a little bit more money , Friday afternoons off , and able to wear jeans or scrubs to work . Awesome ! ! Just really sucks because she was really good at her position . She will be missed . I better rest up ! This means more work for me ! ! ! This seemed to be the year for changes and for people to come and go in my life . I guess that happens . Each person serves a purpose and when it is time to move on , poof ! ! ! There they go . I think that as a person I 've grown a lot this year because with the latest departure of a friend , I 'm not " devastated " . I am definitely learning to " roll with the punches . " Makes life much easier ! ! ! I worry enough as it is , don 't need to worry more than is necessary ! But as friends leave , others come to replace them . Or rather swap out ? An acquaintance from the past has reached out to me . Twice this month . Indicating that a visit is coming at the end of the month . I 'm typically not a skeptic but I am not going to hold my breath . I will believe it when it happens but I have to say , I 'm looking forward to it and hope it happens . There 's also been a re - connection with friends with whom I 've grown apart from . We 'll see how that goes . Can 't assume that it will be just as it always was in the past but it 's nice to know that something is completely lost ! I was out Christmas shopping on Saturday morning . I am terrible at trying to figure out what to get someone . Especially if I don 't know what they already have or what is on their list . Anyway , I have a friend who doesn 't really like horror or vampires or supernatural but she adores zombies . Go figure . Anyway , there is a book out " Pride and Prejudice and Zombies " . Yes , that is correct . Zombies . How perfect ? She loves Pride and Prejudice and add the additional element of zombies to it . I hope she enjoys it . I finally finished Parker 's present this weekend . It is a scrapbook which I covered and added the Buzz Lightyear crossstitch to . It 's the first time I 've ever finished a cross stitch project any other way but framed . Saturday was a nasty day , weather - wise . But despite that , I went and had my hair colored and then treated myself to a manicure . I went short with my nails this time . I can 't tell you the last time I went short . I feel naked ! I also can 't seem to pick up things now ! But it has made typing and stitching so much easier . I did go trendy with the polish though . I went super dark . Not black . I belive the color was OPI Black Cherry Chutney . I also bought myself a pair of new black boots . I needed a pair with high heels . Amazingly , they are quite comfy as I wore them to a Christmas party that night . Now I must go and finish up the laundry and get ready for the upcoming week ! Besides work I have two parties to attend and a few gifts left to pick up . Not to mention a trip to the post office ! On Friday evening it snowed . The rain started at about 4 pm and by 5 or 6 pm it was sleeting . Many people around the area were reporting snow as early as 5 : 30ish but I didn 't see any till almost 10 pm . Duke and I went for a walk and there were big fluffy snowflakes . That makes two years in a row that we 've had snow in South Louisiana . The next morning I bundled Duke up in his Harley Davidson sweatshirt and we took a walk outside . The picture below shows the tiny bit of snow that was left : Anyone who knows me , knows that I LOATHE shopping . I just don 't do it if I don 't have to . But Saturday was an exception . I had a list of gifts I needed to get and I was determined to do it . I started out at 9 : 30 am and didn 't get home till 3 : 00 pm . I was able to get everyone 's presents with the exception of my mom 's . I visited 5 locations : Bed Bath and Beyond , Petsmart , Hobby Lobby , the Outlet Mall , and the Mall . I drove all over town ! ! ! ! I can 't remember the last time I shopped for that many hours ! With most of the shopping done , it was time to wrap everything . I spent a good portion of Saturday night wrapping presents . I 'm still not done but a majority of it is done . As I was wrapping , Duke decided that he wanted to get in on the action and do some snooping around : Here is my tree loaded with presents . Most of the presents will be gone by the end of the week though as they are for friends who live out of town . But don 't forget , I still have other presents to wrap . I spoiled everyone this Christmas ! The SEC championship . What a disappointment . The one , and only time , I will ever root for Florida and they lose to Alabama . I 'm still in shock ! But not as much shock as I was over Texas ' field goal with 1 second left to beat Nebraska . I do not think that Texas deserves to go to the National Championship game but I guess we 'll all find out in the bowl selection show ! It was nice to find out though that USC is going to the Emerald Bowl . Awwww , darn , it 's their first non - BCS bowl game in 7 years . That makes me very happy ! : ) The Saints ! ! ! Woo hoo ! ! ! Can we say : UNDEFEATED ! ! ! 12 - 0 ! It was a crazy game with lots of ups and downs . Pretty exciting up to the very end . I liked what one of my colleagues posted on Facebook : " I always thought Tom Benson was the devil . Now I just think he made a deal with the devil ! " What an exciting time for us in Louisiana to have our team undefeated ! ! ! With the cold weather , I 've been wanting something warm to drink . I don 't like coffee nor tea . So that leaves things like apple cider or hot chocolate . Well , on my way home Friday , I stopped at the grocery store with the intent to purchase some hot chocolate . The shelves were EMPTY ! There was no hot chocolate left ! With the exception of Nestle 's Abuelita . What is that you ask ? Well , upon looking at the box , it said it was " mexican " hot chocolate . Now , how different can it be ? Chocolate is chocolate , right ? So I purchased a box . I have to say , I like it BETTER than normal hot chocolate . It has just a touch of cinnamon which I guess makes it mexican . If you ever get a chance to try it , I highly recommend it ! ! ! Oh , I 've been bad . No stitching update to report . Just too much going on ! I do hope to do some before the New Year but major updates will probably have to wait until 2010 ! ! ! ! Off I go ! The Bowl Selection Show is coming up . While LSU is not going to a BCS bowl game , I still want to know where they will end up and who their opponent will be ! ! ! ! I pray it isn 't Iowa , as being reported , because that means the game will turn into a family rivalry . My uncle is from Iowa and that is his favorite team . I can hear the taunts already ! LOL ! til Christmas ! ! This is what I stared at for about 5 minutes as I sat on the interstate this morning trying to make it downtown for a meeting . Like I didn 't have enough anxiety about getting everything done in time ! Thanks for the reminder billboard gods ! ! ! Hmmm , I live in South Louisiana . Something we don 't see much of is the " white stuff " . Last year we had a snow day . First time in YEARS ! ! ! Well , we are once again having snow predicted for tomorrow night . Should be an interesting night ! ! ! ! Here are some pictures from our last snow day , which happened almost one year ago ! ! ! Considering that I loathe shopping , I 'm doing ok on the shopping front . I am having some problems . I don 't know what to get some of my friends , especially the ones who say " You don 't have to get me anything . " Yeah , right . Like I 'm not going to buy gifts ? I am also looking for a waffle iron for my dad 's present . Mom said that is what he wants so I figured , that 's easy enough . NOPE ! ! ! Every place I 've been to so far has been sold out . Who knew that waffle irons were going to be a hot commodity this Christmas ? 30 - 4 I gave myself a 30 day deadline . In 30 days I hope to have established an exercise routine and have my apartment clean . Why 30 days ? To be honest , an old acquaintenance mentioned that a visit might be in the works for that time . I really want to look good . Or at least feel good because I 've been trying to do something , anything to get back into shape . I want to be " unforgettable " . LOL ! I also need to get this messy pig sty I call a home cleaned ! So embarrassed to have anyone over right now ! ! ! So , even if this visit doesn 't happen , I see the good in it . It has gotten me motivated ! ! ! And I am rolling with it ! ! ! ! The - 4 is the number of days that have passed . Today is the 4th day . I am happy to report that I have exercised for 4 days in a row now ! ! ! ! Yep , the heart hasn 't stopped yet ! ! ! ! I 've also done at least one thing each night towards getting my apartment back to the immaculateness I know that it can be ! ! ! ! I 've promised myself a little treat this weekend if I exercise 5 days in a row . One more day ! ! ! If I stick to it tomorrow , I can go and pick myself up a new book , or some girly treat ! ! ! ! I 'm going to do it ! ! ! I 've decorated my little apartment for Christmas . I put up my little tree . I have the stockings hung . Below are a few pictures of these items . Yes , that is a stocking for my dog ! Oh crap ! I forgot to put him on the list of presents I need to buy ! Yikes ! ! ! Can 't have him waking up to an empty stocking on Christmas morning ! ! ! Isn 't my new Eeyore too cute ? I 've caught Duke twice trying to pull him down to play with . He 's only succeeded once so far . I love sitting in my living room by the glow of the Christmas lights with some music on in the background . It is so soothing ! And no , the music is NOT Christmas music . I just can 't get myself to the point where I can listen to carols yet . New Experience . . . This Christmas will be a new experience for me . One that has yet to occur and well , that I am not looking forward to at all . This Christmas , my mom will not be with our family . Mom leaves on Monday to go home to be with her family ( her parents , siblings and their spouses ) this Christmas . My grandmother is having minor surgery next week so Mom is going to be with her and has decided to not come back till New Year 's . I will still have my Dad and maybe my sister if she is able to make it but we 've ( my sister and I ) have never had a Christmas without her . This is going to be so weird . I 'm not sure how I 'm feeling but I 'm leaning to the " I really don 't like this " side . Stitching Really not much to report on the stitching front . I 've been so preoccupied with everything else going on with the holidays ! I can report that I have picked up Dragon Knot again . Not sure how brief of a return it will be but I have put a few stitches into it ! ! ! I have had six days of NO work . I didn 't go anywhere . I had no plans . But it was such a relaxing time to be away from the stress of work . On Wednesday , Mom and I went to New Orleans for an afternoon of shopping , dinner and then a LSU women 's basketball game . We had a blast . We went to the Disney Store ( we no longer have one in our town ) where I bought some gifts for the kids and then bought myself a brand new Eeyore ! He is so soft and cuddly . That 's my favorite Disney character . We also visited Build - A - Bear where we picked up the Darth Vader costume for my nephew Parker 's bear . It is too cute ! ! ! Thursday was a quiet day . Just my parents and I . My sister , who lives in Austin , couldn 't make it home because she works retail and had to work on Friday . She slept in and went to her District Manager 's house for dinner and then to Old Navy for some shopping . Can you believe the number of stores that were open on Thanksgiving ? It is just plain ole ridiculous ! ! ! Friday , Black Friday , was another quiet day . I did do a little bit of shopping . I was able to get a present for my aunt since it has to be shipped . I also bought myself a few things . I 've been spoiling myself lately ! Watched the Auburn - Alabama football game . Good game . Too bad Alabama won . I also put up my Christmas tree and other decorations . Pulled out the stockings for Duke and me . Spent the evening watching tv by the glow of the Christmas lights . So peaceful ! I love it ! ! ! Friday evening was spent stitching ( yes ! stitching finally ! ) and watching episodes 1 - 3 of The Tudors . Saturday and Sunday were somewhat quiet days . Spent the time cleaning the apartment and wrapping a few presents . The LSU - Arkansas football was a close call . LSU ultimately won with a field goal in overtime but it was strangely very unsatisfying . Even after a couple of glasses of wine ! ! ! Even the new uniforms were not very impressive . Nike used Notre Dame gold for our helmets instead of the usual yellow gold . Not very impressive . I have no stitching update . I was too busy having fun and relaxing and just doing nothing that I didn 't make any significant progress on any of my projects ! ! ! : ) But that 's ok ! ! ! Returned to work today . It wasn 't so bad . But I do believe that I have an aversion to work . I was completely fine my week of vacation but at 7 pm last night I came down with a terrible headache and then woke up this morning feeling nasty . I think it is psychosomatic . LOL ! Tonight is Monday Night Football ! ! ! Saints are going for an 11 - 0 record ! Can 't wait ! Today is my first day of six straight days of no work ! I have to say , it is pretty overwhelming ! I am not used to having so much time off ! I don 't quite know what to do with myself ! I started the day off by sleeping in till 9 am ! It felt so GOOD ! Duke even participated . In fact , he was still in bed when I got out of the shower ! I guess he was feeling lazy too ! ! ! Treated myself to a movie : New Moon ! I was so excited to see it ! I know there are many people out there who do not like the Twilight series , but I am not one of them ! I adore the books and have liked the movies . I can so appreciate the depression Bella sinks into when Edward leaves her ! Although she goes on with her life , there is a hole that is left in her . Ahhhh ! ! ! ! Romance ! ! ! ! True love ! ! ! ! What a way to escape my reality ! Now on to a few household chores . It always amazes me how just me and the dog can create so much clutter ! Mostly that I loathe cleaning too so it piles up and piles up till I HAVE to do it because I can 't stand it anymore ! ! ! ! Also made the cranberry salad that I am in charge of for Thanksgiving . It tastes better when it has " sat " for a while ! This past Wednesday , my co - worker and I did our annual 2 hours of ringing the bells . For those who don 't know , this is for the Salvation Army . We stood outside one of the mall 's entrances for 2 hours and ring bells in the hopes that someone will donate some money . I have to say , people were quite generous this year ! I think that this was one of our best years ! ! ! Talked to someone this week who I hadn 't spoken to in months . Falling out , lack of communication , growing apart , misunderstandings , dishonesty - that pretty much covers what happened . Regardless , I 'm always the type that I want to talk things through . I want to know the truth . Even if it is ugly . I can honestly say that in this situation it didn 't help as much as I thought it would . It wasn 't hurtful in anyway , just didn 't end up being what I thought it would . I 'm not sure what I thought that ending would be . But I think now , I can move forward . A little more wiser , a little more wary . Fresh Market Saturday was rainy and ugly which of course was not conducive to me having to run errands . But I did ! One of my stops was to the grocery store , Fresh Market . Does anyone have one of these stores ? I ADORE this place . I rarely go because I ended up buying a bunch of stuff I don 't need ! ! ! I wanted to make myself a nice dinner for Saturday evening ( I 've been craving some red meat ! ) , so I went to buy a nice steak . I ended up with a portobello mushroom and mozzeralla cheese beef pinwheel , a double stuff potato , and a greek artichoke heart salad . Yummy ! ! ! But that wasn 't all . I bought cheese , hummus , nuts , cranberries ( fresh ! ) , cheddar cheese biscuits , dipping pretzels , pita chips , and olives . I think that is it ! LOL This place is just awesome . I love their prepared foods . I will have to honestly say that I have never been as upset and sickened by a football game as I was by LSU 's performance on Saturday night against Ole Miss . We have a quarterback who knows only how to get himself sacked and a coaching staff ( making really good money ) who do not know how to call a time out . They might as well have just handed the football to Ole Miss with a red ribbon tied around it and say " Here you go . You win . " Today , Sunday , LSU is a complete joke to the rest of the football community because they spiked the ball with one second left instead of kicking a field goal which could have won the game for us . Thankfully , the Saints had a great game on Sunday and are now 10 - 0 ! First time in franchise history ! Awesome ! ! ! It is so much fun to watch them ! I am so sad ! On Sunday morning , as I was going through the parking lot , a man in a black Honda pulled out of a parking spot and right into the front driver side above the tire of my car . My pretty new car ! I 've only had her 6 months ! ! ! Now she has a big ugly dent in her . I 'm ok other being so very angry ! I saw him coming right into me but there was no where for me to go and I didn 't have time to hit my horn . The other car ? A scratch . One little scratch ! I can 't even describe the sound of the car as it scrunched under from the impact of his car . Made me sick to my stomach ! That was my week . Definitely lots of downs but I haven 't let it get me down ! ! ! ! That 's the important thing ! ! ! ! I have ahead for me a VERY short work week . I only work Monday . Yay ! ! ! Then shopping , cleaning , and decorating is on the agenda ! ! ! Hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving ! Last week was Veteran 's Day . In honor of the day , our little office of 8 put together boxes for the troops . Also , one of our co - workers is the wife of a Major in the marines who has done 2 tours of duty . She knows first hand how much cheer a box from home can bring . With the help of my friend Jill and my mom , we had enough stuff to do 11 boxes ! I LOVE putting boxes together for the military . It 's a way to do a good deed for others and to feel good about yourself without a bunch of hoopla ! We all agreed that this is something we would like to do on a regular basis . Renaissance Fair Saturday was a beautiful day ! Beautiful blue skies . Sunshine . Cool weather . It was a perfect day to be outside ! I started the day out by getting my hair cut and colored . Changed up my color a bit . Went dark brown with lots of red in it . You can really see the red in it when out in the sun . I am so loving it . It was time for a change ! ! ! Celestine , Jill , Joy and I all piled up in the car and went to Hammond for the Renaissance Fair . It was a great afternoon spent outdoors looking at the different booths , watching a Birds of Prey show , a joust and the numerous people in costume . Joy and I had some fun at the hat shop trying on hats . I swear that Jill and Celestine were there with us , they are camera shy ! I 've had a few questions on why I chose to do 2 over 1 on the Mad Tea Party . I have successfully completed 2 HAEDs using 1 over 1 . I am currently stitching Dragon Knot 1 over 1 . I decided to do 2 over 1 because I am always reading about other stitchers who do that and I figured , if they can do it , I can do it ! ! ! Also , I wanted to see what the coverage would be like . I can say that so far it is very much like a tapestry . The stitches are very tight . It 's a little bit more difficult , but I am going to continue on with it ! ! ! I just wanted to share this picture with everyone . This is my niece Cassady . This picture captures her so well ! ! ! ! When she smiles , you can 't help BUT smile ! ! ! ! I look at this picture when I am feeling alone and blue . Brightens the day up INSTANTLY ! ! ! ! I have an update on two projects ! Yay me ! ! ! The first one is Mad Tea Party . This one is a HAED being stitched on 25 count , 2 over 2 , correction ! 2 over 1 . Thanks Nancy ! You are so right ! I do mean 2 over 1 . Sometimes my brain goes faster than my fingers ! This is the first time I 've done a HAED with two threads . Typically I only use one . I like the coverage but it definitely makes it a little bit more difficult . The second update is the baby quilt I am doing for my newest niece . It is stamped cross stitch . Let me say it again , for the thousandth time , I LOATHE stamped cross stitch ! ! ! It was such a lovely quiet weekend . I 've been so sick these days , it was great to stay at home and rest ! ! ! I watched the LSU game . Yes , we loss . We won 't dwell on that . I also watched the Saints ! ! ! Who Dat ! ! ! ! Yay ! They are 8 - 0 ! ! ! ! First time in the club 's history ! I also made enchiladas . Yummy ! I used my grandmother 's recipe . They aren 't hard to make but after making them this weekend , I remembered why I don 't ! My tiny apartment kitchen just does not have the counterspace to make them ! ! ! They create such a mess ! ! ! Jill came over for dinner . I always am nervous when cooking for others . But the enchiladas seemed to have been a hit with her . I even sent some home with her . And there is , of course , more for leftovers ! Yay ! No cooking for the next few days ! That 's always a plus ! A co - worker and I ventured out to a local bakery , Totally Free , today . We just thought we would see what they have . They make goods WITHOUT gluten , sugar , dairy and eggs . Yep ! What is possibly left to make a cookie or a muffin ? We got some chocolate chip cookies and snickerdoodles . I love snickerdoodles . I didn 't love these snickerdoodles . They were very thick and unusual tasting . Work Another fun , exciting week of work . Can you hear the sarcasm drip from the words ? The little man is in a mood , and not a good one either . I hope I make it through the week . My tongue may not survive as I may have to bite through it to not say any smart ass remark . Wish me luck ! I have been having such a blast lately ! I wouldn 't trade it for anything ! But there have been consequences ! Laundry is piling up ! Furniture is going undusted ! Carpet is not being vaccuumed ! Recorded television shows are piling up ! Oh well ! As Scarlett always said " Tomorrow is another day ! " Social Networking Sites ( this is completely my opinion and many may disagree ) Most people , these days , have either a Facebook profile or a MySpace page . I have both ( but have to admit , much prefer the Facebook profile ! ) . It always amazes me what people will put out there for EVERYONE to see ! I love my Facebook profile because it has allowed me to catch up with so many old friends and family who live far , far away but never has it crossed my mind to put on my profile anything that I wouldn 't normally tell any of those people or post something " inappropriate " on someone else 's profile . I have seen other profiles with sexual references or scantily clad pictures . How inappropriate is that ? Not only can the whole world see it , but some of these people have children and now their children have been exposed to this " behavior . " Not to mention the ramifications it can cause in your professional life . I think that at times people have " brain farts " or perhaps they have no brain ! ? Ok , enough of me grandstanding on my soap box . . . . . . Christmas is coming ! And as the HAED website has so graciously once again put up the countdown , we now know that it is about 51 days away ! And since I have been having so much fun , I am WAY BEHIND on getting my Christmas stitching done ! So my fingers have been flying as fast as they can the past few evenings ! ! ! To the point that I can literally say that I my blood is in the projects ! LOL ! I 've pricked my finger one time too many ! Who remembers from the 1980s the mini - series and tv show V ? About aliens who come down to Earth to co - exist " peacefully " with humans but actually looking to harvest us as food ? I do ! I was just a little kid but I remember watching it all . I 'm not one for aliens but for some reason , the lizard alien people fascinated me ! I have two questions : Who is going to watch the new pilot of V ? and Did the tv producers already run out of ideas that they are now having to re - make shows that didn 't make it before ? Ok , these were just some random thoughts that have been rambling through my brain lately ! I promise that one of my goals this week is to put up progress pictures on the things I 've been stitching / bleeding on ! Friday night started the weekend off . Jill and I went to a late dinner at Zea 's where we had some great food ! Then we were off to the 10 pm showing of Rocky Horror at the local community theatre . The production company that was putting it on is owned by a friend of mine , Chris . They did an excellent job ! We laughed and smiled so much ! ! ! Gasps of shock as the actors came out in their lingerie and laughter as the actors mingled among the audience . Saturday was a beautiful day ! Cool temperatures . Blue skies . A perfect day for Halloween . Jill and I went down to campus to spend the day . First was the baseball team 's national championship ring ceremony . The whole team was there with the exception of two players . One was in the Dominican Republic playing baseball and the other was Chad Jones , he was getting ready for the football game . After the ring ceremony , it was FOOTBALL TIME ! We made it over to the hill in time to see the band come down the hill . A great tradition everyone should see at least once ! Then on to the game . We were playing Tulane . So , while it wasn 't exactly an exciting game , it was still a great night ! A win is a win . No matter who it is against . It was a weekend of firsts for Jill . She 'd never been to Rocky Horror . Never been in the new Alex Box Stadium . Never been to an LSU football game . It was a great time ! A wonderful weekend ! Today has been a sick day . I woke up early this morning , before the alarm , with a sore throat . I did manage to get myself up out of bed and to work on time this morning . But as the morning progressed I just felt worse and worse . So , I was home by lunch time . I have been plopped on the couch all afternoon watching about a week 's worth of shows that I had recorded . I also took some time to browse through some of my favorite cross stitch websites . Below are just some of the patterns that I wish I could have ! I frequently think that thought : " When I grow up I want to be . . . . " I haven 't yet figured that out to be honest . I have two college degrees , both of which I don 't use in my present job . While I enjoy the work I do , hmmmm , I loathe my boss thus making it an uncomfortable situation . Most days I can just ignore him and do my work and put 100 % or more into it . Other days , like today , I just do the minimum to get by . This weekend , while visiting friends , I was told " You should be a wife , mother , and a teacher . " Hmmm , well , I am none of those . Do they know something I don 't ? The friend who told me I should be a wife and mother is a very dear , close friend . We 've known each other for twenty years now ! Wow ! That 's a very long time ! We know everything about each other . She said that seeing me with my niece and how we interacted , she just knows I would be a great mother . I 'm glad she thinks so . I 'm not sure . I 'm good with kids in a short span of time , but I do like to give them back ! ! ! : ) And as for the wife comment , I 'm not sure what she bases that on . Maybe it is just part of the package of being a mother . But in order to be a wife and mother , well , there needs to be a man . Hmmm , the jury is still out on that one . I 'm not sure that I want a man in my life . Yes , yes , yes . I know . I just haven 't met the right one . As my sister once said , " I think Mr . Right got hit by a bus ! " The friend who told me I should be a teacher has also known me for a long time also . Let 's see . We 've known each other for . . . . eleven or twelve years . I can 't remember exactly when I met her . I know it was before she got married in 1998 . Anyway , she tells me I should get my certification because she could see me teaching high school . I personally think she was smoking something when she said that ! I am such an impatient person . Plus my communication skills to explain things to people are not that good . Very rarely can I " think outside the box " to explain something to someone who has never been introduced to a topic . What do these friends see that I don 't ? Am I blind to my own possibilities in life ? Probably so . I don 't like change and I don 't like getting hurt . But I am learning not to sweat the small stuff and to roll with the punches . Life is much better that way . Maybe when I am least expecting it , Mr . Right will walk through the door . And if not , maybe I will become that teacher . Or find some other new exciting career . Until that time when any of those thinPosted by Friday I anxiously counted down the time to 11 : 30 ! As soon as it hit , I was out the office door ! After stopping to get some gas and cash ( hey ! that rhymes ! ) , I was on the road . It was a beautiful day for a ride ! Blue skies all the way ! Once I arrived , we were off to dinner at Gringo 's ! They have some of the best Mexican food ! I also had a apple pucker margarita . It was good to try but I probably wouldn 't have it again . It isn 't as good as say , mango or peach . Then we came home where we had a quiet evening . I was able to play with Cassady , change her , get her ready for bed , feed her , and then put her to bed . She is just too sweet ! Saturday was an awesome day ! We had so much fun at Sarah 's youngest daughter 's birthday party ! It was a great time to catch up with an old , dear friend . It was also nice to see her parents . Sarah 's dad was one of my high school teachers . He is , and always be , Mr . Paul . His wife however has become just Pam . Isn 't that funny ! ? Cassady was awesome . She was so good tempered and she just played and played . I finally had to leave because she would not lay down to nap . She had to be up and aware of all that was going on ! She was out seconds after putting her in the car ! ! ! It was an awesome trip even though I got lost twice . But what 's a road trip without getting lost at least once ? ? Sarah 's two girls are just so cute . They are total opposites . Eden , her oldest , is the spitting image of her mother , outgoing and very talkative . Zoe is more reserved and like her father . But they both cannot be mistaken for anything other than " Paul " girls . Saturday evening was a nice relaxing evening with the girls . Stacy , Cassady and I went out for Chinese , then Ben & Jerry 's ice cream , and back home to watch the LSU game . The boys finally decided to deliver a decisive victory for us ! I was on the road by 9 am on Sunday . Cassady decided that she wanted to wake up at 6 : 30 am ! ! We really thought she would sleep late as we had had such a big day on Saturday ! No such luck ! But that had me home by 1 : 30ish . I have been able to spend that time watching the Saints game , stitching , some laundry , and making some homemade cranberry sauce ( I love cranberries ! ) . Friday . Noon . Almost here ! I can 't wait ! ! ! At noon I am out of here ! Headed to Houston to see two of my favorite people ! ! ! But before then , I have to do laundry , pack , wrap a birthday present , clean the kitchen , pack Duke 's overnight bag ( he 's going to the grandparents ) , and take the trash out ! Right now though , I am blogging , listening to the rain , and the tinkle of my windchimes . The combination of the two sounds is so soothing . Thanks Jill for the windchimes ! It felt like today was going to last forever ! Thankfully the afternoon went pretty quickly . Probably because I was in fear for my life ! ! ! The boss and I had an off - site meeting with a volunteer to help us with booking speakers for an upcoming convention . He drove . He has an 1980 something crown victoria or something similar to that , which takes FOREVER to just turn over . Praying is a prerequisite to driving with this man . Whiplash ? Yep , you will suffer from that after driving with him . In the short drive to the meeting , I learned about how 2 of his pine trees are dead not because of a disease but because of a beetle . A beetle who picks and chooses which trees it will kill . I also learned that since he and his family have lived in their house they have removed about 20 trees altogether . 15 in the first year that they had lived there . On the way back to the office , I was regaled with the stories of him purchasing new vehicles for his wife and daughter but not for himself . Why should he ? This one still runs ! Even though the windshield wipers are shot , it guzzles oil and the engine sounds like it is constantly " coughing " . Not to mention that he was yawning so hard that I thought his face would split in half at the jaw joints . Which was probably why we almost got killed when he tried to turn left onto a major street from a side street . Comments like " Whoops , almost got my front end there " and " Almost had to have a conversation with my insurance agent " were made ! But I made it ! Or I wouldn 't be writing this entry ! : ) Ok , I must run ! I have things to do ! Dinner to make ! Dog to play with ! Stitching to do ! ! ! Everyone have a great weekend ! It 's Wednesday ! Yay ! ! ! Only 1 1 / 2 days of work left ! I am counting down to noon on Friday when I head off to Houston again ! Two times in one month ! How lucky am I to get to visit some of my most favorite people ! Work - work is a paycheck . While we are now fully staffed , I agreed today to take on more work . I know ! What was I thinking ? Obviously I was not ! Or , I seem to have a serious problem at saying " No " . ( My mother would disagree with that one ! ) We are currently bidding for a new client and well , it seems that it will fall onto me to service the new client , along with my current one and the other one that I am working on their annual convention . Yeah , I can do it . Now , whether my mind / sanity will survive , that 's a whole other story ! ! ! ! It just might entail some overtime which will be very welcomed ! I have been stitching some on the baby quilt . A little bit each night . But I don 't see enough significant progress to post a picture . Not sure what will be significant but you will know when you see the picture ! : ) Have you checked out Heaven and Earth 's website lately ? They 've just recently released stockings ! ! ! Hmm , I wonder how long it would take to stitch one of those ? I 've only completed two storykeeps . I 've always wanted a cross stitched stocking . I have two stocking kits in my stash . Started one , put in about 10 stitches . But now it sits , waiting for me to pick it back up . I just don 't like working on aida anymore ! ! Jill got a brochure today in the mail about the Renaissance Festival . Woo hoo ! I 've only been to this particular festival once but have been to other Renaissance Festivals . I 've always enjoyed them . More so just being outside and enjoying the fall weather , but also looking at the crazy period costumes that the normal people wear , not just the actors . This was also the first time I had ever had a fried Milky Way . Yes , they fried a candy bar . It makes it super sweet . Not really a fan of it . I 'm not very big on sweet things . This fall weather we have been having has put me into a better frame of mind . Makes me want to get up and do things ! I am so excited about seeing my BFF from high school , Sarah , this weekend . Dinner at Gringo 's with my " sister " , Stacy . Time with my two nieces , Marly and Cassady ! Then next weekend ! ! ! Woo hoo ! Halloween ! I love Halloween ! Rocky Horror on Friday night with Jill and then the Tulane game on Saturday with Jill and her hubby ! I 'm making enchiladas ! Yummy ! I know , a very halloweeny meal , don 't you think ? Mexican goes with everything ! : ) November starts the holidays ! Those are just around the corner ! I am so looking forward to my week off during Thanksgiving . Even though it means I am just sitting at home doing nothing . Well , that isn 't true . I have TONS of stitching to do . Yay ! ! ! I can 't wait ! ! ! I also can 't wait to decorate for Christmas . I am staying home in BR this year . I am refusing to travel to Austin to have Christmas with my parents and sister . So I am going to decorate my apartment . I am very excited ! No , I won 't be alone . I already have friends kindly welcoming me to join them for Christmas . I am so blessed ! ! : ) Well , Fall has finally decided to land in Southern Louisiana ! We 've had two days with tempteratures in the 60s during the day and 40s at night . Blue skies . Wind . Lots of sun ( which we 've missed the past few weeks with all the rain ) . Saturday I took a ride down to even further South Louisiana to attend a crafts fair at Oak Alley . It was a nice day to spend outside . But it was quite the adventure . Upon arriving down there , I discovered that people were being asked to park at some of the local spots ( school , parish hall ) and shuttle in . It seems that with all the rain that we have been having , the fields that were typically used at the plantation for parking were closed because they were just too wet and muddy . So , after parking my car at the parish hall , I waited for over an hour for a shuttle . You see , the shuttles they were using only fit either 12 people ( if it was a handicap shuttle ) or 24 people . In addition , only 4 shuttles were running . This is when I wish I had a truck . If I had a truck , I would have tried to park in one of the muddy lots that they proceeded to open up as the day went on . Upon arriving to the plantation , I discovered the place was packed ! I began to wander amongst the people and the booths . It amazes me the things that people come up with to sell as crafts and people actually buy them . There was one booth that was selling bikinis for dogs . Yes , you read that correctly ! Bikinis for dogs . Another booth was selling bottle caps as jewelry : necklaces and earrings . Why can 't I come up with something like that and make a living at it ? There were also some really true artists there . There was one booth that was selling LSU themed pictures ( always a hit ! ) . They also had some great food there ! Now I only sampled one item , but the aromas were irresistible . For lunch I had fried eggplant with a crawfish sauce . It was even better than it sounded ! I was good though . I avoided the funnel cake . Although it was calling my name as I walked off the grounds ! The rest of my Saturday was spent watching football , A trip to the bookstore for a birthday gift and the rest of the day was spent at home ! I worked on my balcony , getting it all cleaned up and doing some weeding . Hung up my new windchimes that was given to me as a gift from my friend , Jill . Watched some football . Saints are awesome ! Took a walk with Duke . Quick trip to Dad 's to pick up some potato soup . A nice conversation with my BFF , Jeff , and then my sister ! A very poor picture of the wind chime . Totally chopped off the jewel at the bottom ! But it is now hanging ! : ) Picture of my mexican heather . I just had to take a picture ! I can 't tell you how many times I have thought it was dead and cut it back to nothing and it came back ! One more day of work and then FREEDOM ! ! ! This upcoming weekend I have no plans ! Ok , well , let me clarify that . I have nothing scheduled . Come Friday at 4 pm , I am free from the chains of employment and can do whatever I want till Monday morning at 7 : 30 am . My mom is currently out of town visiting my cousin in Boston . He attends MIT . I know , impressive , huh ? I 've been replaced as the smartest person in the family . Boo hoo ! Today my mom , grandmother , and aunt were visiting Salem . I am so very jealous ! ! ! ! Anyway , the point I was going for was that I have no family obligation for dinner this weekend as my mom is away and my dad is golfing this weekend . You can tell it is fall time in Louisiana with all the number of festivals and fairs going on . This weekend is a crafts fair at Oak Alley Plantation . And since we are finally going to get some fall weather , temperatures only in the 60s , it will be a great time to go walk the ground of the plantation and look at some hand crafted items ! ! ! I might even be able to pick up a birthday gift for the birthday party I am going to next weekend in Houston ! That would be fantastic if I don 't have to visit a department store ! ! ! ! Other things I need to do this weekend are clean off my balcony , clean my computer desk ( I am currently staring at a pile of bills - paid - that have yet to be filed ) , stitch and read . So two of the four items on my list are my favorite things to do ! I might even do some cooking . A friend gave me a great recipe for the crock pot - Taco Soup . It is as yummy as it sounds ! But then , I think anything mexican is pretty yummy ! There is no LSU football game this weekend as it is the bye weekend . Thankfully ! They desperately need to regroup ! But there is a Saints game ! Should be a good one ! Do you have a DVR ? I do . Thought it was a good idea when I upgraded to high def cable . Yeah , not so much ! I spend a lot of my free time watching shows that I 've recorded because I wanted to watch them but couldn 't because I wasn 't home or watching another show . It is an endless , vicious cycle . My suggestion , stick to the VCR . You can only record one thing at a time and you have to make the effort to set up the VCR timer and find a tape . With the DVR , you just push a few buttons . The more effort you have to put into it , the less likely you are to do it ! I live in a one bedroom apartment . I 've been in this apartment for just over 4 years . It 's ok . It isn 't luxury living but then again , I don 't pay a " luxurious " amount . I have fairly low rent in a really central locale . But there are times when I loathe living in an apartment . Like at this moment . I know Jill is going to enjoy using this as a reason to buy a house by her ! ! ! They are currently painting the exteriors of the buildings . They needed it . About 5 years ago . Anyway , they are painting and yesterday the office called requesting that I move my plants off the balcony . I refused to bring them inside because I didn 't want the bugs in my apartment that could be on the plants ! So they said to just push them against the balcony bars because they needed to paint the walls . Ok . I understood that . I did that . Most of the plants are against the balcony anyway . When I came home today , all of the plants and my gardening chest were shoved to one corner up against the wall . Now , explain this to me . You are painting the walls so you shove everything up against the wall . Needless to say I am ticked off . My balcony area is completely wrecked with dirt everywhere . In addition to that , they have partitioned off half of the stairwell because they painted the steps . Really ? I have had to carry Duke up and down the stairs so that he doesn 't get into the paint . Work I will be back in Houston again very soon . This time for a birthday party . Another good friend of mine is having a birthday party for her youngest little girl who is turning 1 . So back to Houston I go . I never attend any of her kids ' events and I feel bad . So I am going to go and take my niece , Cassady , with me . She 's 6 months old . She 's close to 1 . I think she would have a good time ! I really can 't wait . Stitching Not much progress to report on . I 'm working on some Christmas presents . I just hope I don 't run out of time . I normally do but it 's like when I know there is a deadline , I get really lazy and lose my mojo . It 's not fun to stitch when you HAVE to finish it within a certain amount of time . Maybe if I wasn 't so busy watching all the shows I recorded , I 'd have more time to stitch ? Hmmmm . . . . something to ponder ! The highlight of my day was when I came home to walk Duke . I took him for his usual afternoon walk and when he pooped . . . . it was NORMAL ! ! ! Yippy ! I know , this sounds totally absurd but if you knew the week I 'd had with him , you would be excited too ! Weekend before last , the poor baby was boarded as I was in Houston . My mom was nice enough to pick him up on Monday so that he didn 't have to spend the entire day there as I was at work . Monday was a typical evening , him ignoring me because he was ticked that I boarded him . Hey , not my idea ! My mom won 't watch him anymore ! ! ! Tuesday night , I was awakened by gagging noises at 3 am . He then proceeded to throw up on my arm as he was sleeping on my arm . Not a big deal . Not exactly the best experience , but it wasn 't much . So I got up , cleaned off my arm and the bed . No sooner had we settled back down , turned the light off , that I hear him making noises again ! Can I say , I never knew a little poodle , who weighs less than 10 lbs , could have that much puke in him . It was everywhere ! All over the bed 's comforter and mostly , on me ! ! But can I say , he didn 't have one drop on him ! ! ! I had to change the bed sheets , my pajamas , and clean the comforter . The comforter was removed to the living room and is now at the cleaners . I figured that would be the end of it . Nope , every half hour to an hour , he was up with diarrhea . While he did not gag again till Friday evening , every night he was up at around 2 or 3 am with diarrhea that lasted till I had to wake up . I have been exhausted ! I can 't even imagine what it would be like if I had kids ! This is a dog ! ! ! ! ! At least with him , I can put him in his kennel or drop him off at the vet . I don 't think you can do that with kids ! It was a fairly good weekend . Saturday was a busy day . I woke up early to take my car in for it 's very first oil change and tire rotation . I have to say , it didn 't take them that long . I was in and out in less than an hour ! I then briefly made an appearance at my apartment to walk the dog and then off to campus to pick up Stacy and Marly Grace . We thought it would be a good idea for them to park their car early on campus for the big game that night , Florida and LSU . We were right . At 10 : 30 am , people were beginning to park on the outskirts of campus . There were people every where . I can honestly say , I cannot remember a time when there were so many people on campus . They were estimating 150 , 000 to be on campus . It was Stacy 's birthday so we went to Parrain 's for lunch . We had a great time . And for dessert , we had purple and gold cheesecake ! ! ! We then did a quick shopping trip to Walmart and then back to campus to drop them off for the game . I then proceeded home where I spent the rest of the afternoon snuggled on the couch with my dog . I 've just been so tired lately from work and late nights with the dog ( he 's been sick ) that I actually napped . Then I watched the game . I don 't know why I am upset that we lost to Florida . It was pretty much a given . But I had hope . I was holding on to the hope that the team that I know they can be would show up . Instead , they just disappointed me . Now I could strongly argue , though , that the referrees were on Florida 's payroll . I mean , really ? How many times in a row can you call offsides ? Sunday has been a semi lazy day . I have done laundry , some ironing , and that 's about it . I 've started a new cross stitch project . I am now working on a quilt for Christmas for Cassady . I hope to finish it by then . Once I 've gotten some progress made on it , I will post a progress picture . I did have dinner with my parents . My mom 's birthday is next weekend but she won 't be here so we had a dinner tonight . Dad made a yummy Mexican Stew . It was awesome . It 's like a typical beef stew but it has rotel tomatos , cinnamon , chili powder , apple juice , and granny smith apples added in . It was very yummy ! For Christmas I found this Tinker Bell pillow case for my sister . She adores Tinker Bell . Today I managed to finish it ! ! ! Yay ! I am so glad it is done because it was a stamped cross stitch and I don 't really enjoy doing those types of projects . Journal For the past couple of years I 've kept a journal of sorts for the sailor who is no longer mine . It was a way for me to let him know what was going on with me , day to day . Now that he is no longer mine , I find that I miss doing that . So today I purchased a journal for me to keep my thoughts in . I find it very therapeutic to write things down instead of letting them fester in my brain ! New Phone My cell phone recently has been giving me a lot of problems . Won 't hold a charge . Won 't charge unless the charger is held in by hand . The touchscreen was going out . Things of that nature . And I only had it for about a month as the one before it was also having problems . Well , today , I received my new phone that I purchased online the other night . It is a Blackberry Curve . Definitely a lot to learn with it . But I am already enjoying it . Took me a while to figure out how to do texts but I love the email feature on it ! I can 't wait to find out what other things it can do ! ! ! Hi ! Welcome to my crazy corner of this crazy , crazy world ! I 'll try to amuse , I 'll try to keep you entertained and I will most definitely try to keep you guessing ! View my complete profile |
That part of the grain elevator blew up last night at like 3am sending one man to Kearney with serious burns . Apparently corn dust is very combustible and it exploded . It 's just terrible b / c harvest has been so late this fall and now what do they do ? The highway is shut down and the trains must be way backed up b / c they 're going by so slowly and I 've seen constant trucks driving by . . . Terry wanted a group picture of the youth group for the 2008 - 09 year book . There 's something like 30 kids here but some didn 't get in and there 's usually about 40 . I took this from up on a stool . Terry explaining the game - lay down tag . Posted by Noah before the cut . Ever since Noah 's very first hair cut , he has HATED the whole process . And I am not exaggerating when I say HATE . I used to do all his haircuts myself , despite my lack of training and giftedness . So I would operate the clippers and Terry would hold Noah still while he cried hysterically . If anyone would have somehow heard him screaming , they would have thought we were seriously hurting our son and called the cops . Not kidding . Scream fest 101 . Once he started being able to talk he would yell , " Help you , help you ! " before he knew the proper noun " me . " We tried suckers and candy and rewards to no avail . If anything , they just made the whole process messier b / c he was unable to swallow the resulting , uh . . . yeah . So after a couple years of this , we decided that perhaps if we took him to someone else somewhere else , he might do better . The first time was back in July before we went to camp . Mary cuts my hair and most of the church 's as well since she and her family attend . She assured me that even if he freaked out it would be okay b / c she 'd dealt w / it before . He DID freak out . It was pretty much the same scene as home but in full view of customers . He 's not had a hair cut since July . I know , right ? ! I thought that since we 're going home for Thanksgiving next week that it would be nice if he looked nice . So I made an appointment for this afternoon and we all went , the whole fam . I even brought the camera to share the insanity . He did even worse , if that 's possible b / c she started out w / the scissors . What freaks him out most is when the scissors or clippers touch his skin . Otherwise , he does better . So after a bit Mary had us leave since in her experience , sometimes that helps . We came back in 10 minutes and he was almost done and semi - calm . To do some of the finer work she had him sit in my lap . What helped was to sing him Thomas songs and tell him Thomas stories . That is , they helped until the clippers touched him . When it was finally over we went and got a chocolate shake . It hadn 't helped during the Posted by These photos were taken about a week ago on a 45 - 50 degree day . . . Someone thought it was too cold to let Noah play in the water but another someone thought it was okay . I seem to remember someone saying , " He lives in town , what else is he supposed to do ? " Yeah . = ) Noah was fine and had a lot of fun throwing bucketfuls of water first at Snap , secondly at Daddy and thirdly at Mommy and Evie , who all tried to hide . Notice how soaked he is ? We noticed that he is apparently impervious to cold water - he 's kneeling in it and everything ! I think he looks like he 's in a water balloon firing line up . So . Today has been a bad day for me . I won 't go into personal details about how I messed other things up this morning and yesterday and the day before , but it seems to be one thing after another lately . And the day 's not done yet . Terry has to preach and lead music tomorrow and therefore has a lot to do . To help him out , the kids and I walked to the church to bring him a late lunch so he could get more done . When he went to pull up all his recent work on his computer , he found that somehow it didn 't save . Not everything was gone , just what he 'd done recently . Then I went to the store . My plan was to get in and out quickly b / c Evie was cran - ky and needed a nap . I grabbed my keys out of my pocket and threw them up front like I often do and then buckled Evie in and shut the door . Then I went around to the other side of the van to buckle Noah in and found that the door was locked . Yeah , my baby was locked in the car . Somehow I had hit the lock button accidentally . So I called Terry who had to run home , literally , to find the spare key - I took the van he had driven to church since we had walked there . One problem , there was no spare key . So he drove down to the store and went across the street to the police station . The police man was there quickly and so was a guy with a slim jim and they got it open right away . In all it was only like 10 - 15 minutes and she was happy playing with her feet for the most part . But the police man just happened to be the same one that wrote me up for that accident with our silver van in May . Yeah . He even said he remembered . . . How humiliating . I tell you , I really can 't do anything right today . The other day Noah was pretending to talk on this mini toy phone he found in our used couch . He was so cute , imitating how I talk on the phone , " Hello ? Okay , okay . Bye . " Then when the real phone rang , he brought it to me like a good boy . When I went to hang it up , he had put his phone in place of the real one . = ) I tried to move it and put the real one away but he wouldn 't allow it . He took it back off the hook and placed his toy phone in its place . Bet you were expecting Noah and EVIE , right ? Right ? Fooled ya ! I had taken a bath that morning to loosen up my back and I thought that I 'd throw Snap in there since he was quite doggy smelling . Noah couldn 't pass up this opportunity to get wet AND play with Snap . So , Noah and Snap came out smelling like a better smelling dog . Don 't be mad , but I 'm afraid I didn 't give Noah a cleaner bath afterwards . = ) Posted by So I don 't really have a cute little story to include with these photos , just an explanation . The first being that it was cold on Saturday so I dug out Noah 's old 6 - 9mos baby suit for Evie that he only wore once . I distinctly remember this occasion b / c of how much it made him cry , hysterically . My mom had bought it for him and since it was freezing outside I thought I 'd put him in it for the drive into town . However , it wasn 't cold in the car at all for that half hour trip that we used to have to make every single day ( barf ) . I remember white knuckling the steering wheel b / c he was screaming so much . But I digress . I wasn 't supposed to have a cute story ( HEY . I thought it was cute ) . Here 's Evie swinging in Noah 's snowsuit . We ran some errands and the poor thing was probably assumed to be a boy . Why not ? You 're right . She 's much too cute to be a boy . Sorry Noah . You 're cute too , but in a different way . Evie 's , well , pretty . My baby three - and - a - half year old ( see those legs put all the way through the leg holes ? ) . He cries when Evie 's in " his swing " too . . . Oh , and see that red " N " in the background ? I made that at MOPS last week . It 's supposed to be for the Cornhuskers but I made it N - for - Noah and wrote his name on it . He thought it was great and carried it around like he carried about Baby Snap . . . which we can 't find . Posted by FINALLY ! Noah got a new car seat FINALLY . Yes , he 'd been in the same one since he was old enough to be turned around and look forwards which was like 2 . 5 yrs ago . . . He 's a bigger boy now and it 's time he used a seat belt instead of a 5 - point harness . Well , it was way past " time . " Terry put it together on his lunch break on election day . He went ahead and put it in the car afterwards which of course led to Noah wanting to try it out . So we all went out . Once we were all out there , we might as well go for a quick drive . Once we were on the road , Terry might as well watch the kids for 10 minutes so I could vote . While it really is all neat and historic to have the first African American in office , I 'm afraid of what he will do for abortion . He said the first thing he 'd do if elected was to pass the Freedom of Choice Act . This legislation supercedes any and all pro - choice laws that are out there - waiting periods , parental notification , trained doctors performing abortions , anything that creates limits on abortions . That 's scary . It would even supercede the federal partial birth abortion ban ! A couple weekends ago we went to a garage sale . Sigh . I love garage sales and am sad the season is ending . However , this was a nice weekend and we knew the people who were selling . We picked up some black 8x10 black frames , a couple books , some glass hurricanes and this dollhouse . I loved dollhouses as a little girl and I 'm pretty sure Evie will too when she 's old enough . But right now , Noah thinks they 're pretty great for running his cars up and down the stairs , and falling up and down the stairs . It just struck me again , as it does daily , how different boys and girls are . I always sort of expected Evie to be a lot like Noah . This isn 't the case . . . at all . Already at 7 months we can tell how different they are . She is sooo much more interactive and relational than he was or is . A good word to describe Noah is FOCUS . Whatever he 's doing , he 's super - tunnel - vision - can 't - hear - anything - else FOCUSED . Evie 's all about looking at you and talking and laughing and imitating sounds . She catches on quick . They 're so different . When someone new ( or even an established relationship ) tries to talk to Noah , he either looks at them like they 're weird or he screams and runs away . Evie puts on the charm . Gotta watch out for that one . So anyway . Noah running his orange car up the stairs . Noah throwing his orange car back down the stairs . Evie watching longingly . Poor thing . She can 't wait to move . Oh . Now that I 've mentioned Evie moving , I might as well tell you that she is making progress . She can sit unassisted quite well and only occasionally falls . We laid her on her belly the other night and were shocked to see her lifting her bottom up and sort of kicking and pushing with her feet . She was moving backwards ! Since that night she 's been kind of rotating in a circle when we put her down . She won 't roll over from her stomach to her back but will from her back to her stomach . Noah was like that too though . I would put up a video of her scooting , but it 's too long or something and won 't work . Sorry ! For Halloween Gothenburg does a " Munchin Masquerade . " It 's a safe , family friendly way to take your kids trick or treating . All the little kids and their parents line up outside the Chamber of Commerce downtown and are given a bag , a list of participating businesses and some starter candy . We didn 't go last year b / c he didn 't know about it until too late . We knew about it this year but I 'm really terrible about planning ahead for these kinds of things . It 's like I wait for some cheap , easy , cute costume idea to pop into my head . This rarely happens . So Noah was " Rock Star Noah " and Evie was a frog thanks to that cute hat my mom made and a green outfit I just happened to have . I explained to Noah that he was going to be a rock star just like Sheep on Word World , who especially likes to dress up . She comes on with her hair all spiked and a guitar and says , " I 'm Rock Star Sheep . Lets rock ! " Noah has no idea what this means , but I thought it would help him understand why we were doing it . He said , " No rock star Noah , I 'm Noah ! " and went on to tell me how he wanted a video . That is his normal routine - nap and then video of his choice . But this was so much more fun that a video , if only he would get that . He seemed more hopeful when he told him it was like a parade . . . He was sullen for the longest time , through me spiking his hair , giving him his guitar and microphone , getting Evie ready and getting in the car . Daddy hopped in when were ready and we headed downtown . Noah stayed grumpy until he got we went around to a few businesses and started filling his bag . Then he was all about saying " trick out treat " and " thank you ! " It was quite cute after that . The poor guy got scared quite a bit though . I 'm sure you an imagine . There were the scary costumes of course - skeletons and the like . But the ones that frightened him the most were the ones we seemed to follow the whole time - Spiderman and The Incredible Hulk . Whenever he saw one he would yell , " Scared ! " and try to climb my leg . Poor kid . It 's so nice to see his innocencPosted by Would you believe this guy . . . . . . bought this thing ? Well , you should . He did . His alias is Santa Claus . Seriously , he gave us that photo of himself . . Terry was introduced to him a couple weeks ago through the man that helped him fix up the van . Santa looked at the van and was interested but then we never heard from him . When Terry went to the lumber store yesterday he " randomly " ran into Santa who said he wanted to buy it . He test drove it , paid us and then gave us a picture of himself . I guess Santa wanted to upgrade his sleigh . . Woo hoo ! We sold the van ! Thank you Lord ! I missed church on Sunday b / c I totally sprained or strained my back . I worked out on Saturday and felt fine , just a little tired . The only " back " exercise I did was the stomach cruncher machine where you select the weight you want , sit and push the thing down by flexing at your middle . Anyway , just as we were about to walk out the door for church ( early , I might add ) , I went to put Snap in his kennel . I lifted him with my back , not legs , and carried him half bent over for like 8 steps . By the time I got to the kennel , my back felt like it had a little pinch in it . Ever get that ? And then it goes away ? I thought it would go away when I stood up but it got worse ! I couldn 't stand up and it hurt so bad I couldn 't hardly sit either . I like collapsed onto the fouton and inched myself back in it . It was burning like I 've never felt before , took my breath away . My mom helped me onto the floor and my dad gave me instructions b / c his back hurts him all the time ( my parents were here Tuesday through Sunday ) . So I 'm on the floor doing all these weird stretches and I 'm obviously not going to make it to church . That was a bummer b / c it was Terry 's first day with the high schoolers again for Sunday School ( or D40 as he likes to call it - Discovery 40 . . . it 's supposed to be " Discovery Hour " but we never have that much time , more like 40 minutes ) and I wanted to be able to help him . I texted him , " I really hurt my back . Can 't come . " He didn 't get it until he 'd been home for a couple hours . I read the text over his shoulder and we had a good laugh . So I had like the laziest Sunday ever of resting on the couch and gingerly walking around . Yesterday , Monday , was a little better but still a lot of pain . Today is ever better - just a little pain . I 'm already in better shape than Terry 's foot . = ) We were just hanging out in the back yard when Noah took the lid off his turtle sandbox and started playing underneath it . It was quite funny b / c when he was completely under it , you seriously could not tell he was there . So what fun are any shots of a seemingly innocent turtle lid ? I only took ones of him looking out from under it . . . In Terry 's senior year of high school he chipped his foot in a motorcycle accident on the ranch - something about jumping a big hill . Consequently he was on crutches for 6 weeks and couldn 't finish out his football season . He came home 2 Saturday 's ago limping . He had been playing basketball with a high school student , his dad and a teacher / coach . He went to do a layup and planted his left foot on the dad 's foot and rolled it . When he told me he rolled it , I assumed it was his ankle . No , it was his foot . . . somehow . He wasn 't sure if this was the same foot injured in high school , but we kinda bet it was . I suggested , with all of my nurse schooling to back me up , that he go to the doctor . = ) . Terry thought it would be fine and limped around for over a week . These shots are from a week later . Currently , he 's no longer limping , but the bone is still big and it still hurts . Perhaps we 'll make a visit to the foot clinic that 's in town once a month . . . It 's the outside of his foot and it 's way swollen . . . and below his toes are bruised . Had to wash my counter after these shots . = ) So , there haven 't been any blogs for a week . That 's kind of long , especially since I enjoy it so much . My excuse is totally legit : My dog ate our camera cord . Actually , he just chewed through it . And it 's not even our 's , it 's Shari 's . Nonetheless , it 's Snap 's fault . Thankfully Terry found a new one right away on Ebay . He ordered from Hong Kong since that was the cheapest . . . but it was also the slowest . It had to travel all the way around the world ! We just got it today and that 's what Snap 's modeling . Rest assured . I took that cord away from him ASAP and will not leave it out again . I guess that makes it my fault . I still blame the dog . Also , I got a hair cut yesterday ( but I did nothing to it here ) . . . Can you tell it 's different ? Depends if you 're male or female I suppose . She layered it up around my face like I asked her , but not quite as much as I wanted b / c she said it was starting to look like a mullet . Yeah , what do you think ? Mullet material ? I think not . Actually , she said if she took any more off it would start to look " mullety . " I disagree . Huff . This last summer Terry 's parents had quite the garden going on . We 've received tomatoes and cucumbers and sweet pickles from them . But they were especially excited to grow Noah some pumpkins . When they told me this I was expecting , I dunno , smallish pumpkins . But that 's not what we received when Terry 's aunt and uncle , JoAnn and Herb brought these back home : I thought they turned out pretty big since they came from a tiny seed ! . So here is the one that Terry carved out with Noah . . We were going to take a family shot of the finished product but Noah was too slow to jump up with Daddy before the timer went off . See him gesturing there ? Funny . . This is better . It totally wouldn 't have looked nice in the kitchen anyway . A sink for a backdrop ? I don 't think you 'll see that in any studio . . . . Noah said , " It 's glowing ! " . Random : the kids playing later that night . As of Thursday , October 30 , 2008 , at just about 8pm CST , my little brother Nathan Robert Kveene is ENGAGED ! ! ! . The funny thing is , I 've never even met the girl . Nonetheless , I like her . Her name is Ana Johnson . My dad , mom and sister have all met her and use the word " sweet " consistently to describe her . . Nathan met her at the Moody Bible Institute , where he graduated in May . Ana graduates this Spring . I think the first time he saw Ana he held the door open for her and liked her immediately . My mom said the thing that struck him about her was her smile - I can see why from the pictures = ) . So , he bid his time for a while and finally told her floormates that he liked her . They then set her up for a blind date with him . Nathan felt bad that he knew who she was and she didn 't know who she was going on this date with so the introduced himself to her - the first time he met her . He went to her table at dinner and said , " Ana ? I 'm the GYFAD [ Give Your Friend a Date ] . " She said , " Oh , I 've never seen you before ! " Stab through the heart . Yeah , Nathan had liked her for so long and she didn 't even know he was alive . = ) So , they got to know eachother after that . . . then they got together 9 months ago and it 's been going very well , obviously . Thursday was exactly 2 years ago that he introduced himself to her . = ) Nathan and Ana were originally " planning " on getting engaged at Thanksgiving when he would be visiting her for Thanksgiving in the UP of Michigan where she 's from . But Terry and I convinced him it would be much more exciting for him to do it as a real surprise . So he flew out Thursday and included her friends in the planning . He never even lied to her when she called him and asked him what he was up to that day . He had told her that he got Thursday and Friday off from work and that he was going to use the time to work on the youth group dinner he was planning for Sunday ( that he wouldn 't be attending , but he didn 't mention that to her = ) ) . He went to internet cafes at airports and updated his facebook to say true things , evPosted by After moving away from home in 2007 , I became weary of emailing recent photos of our kids to the grandparents . So I started a blog . And even though we moved back home in 2012 , I still really enjoy keeping track of our lives ! |
The sky was dark and the rain started to pound the streets . The walk to the bus station was too far when it was raining . Driving was another option , but it was something that I usually didn 't do . However , the thought of being alone in the car and not on a bus full of people , was appealing . More than anything was the fact that I wouldn 't have to walk in the rain and wait . So , it was settled that I would drive to work . It had been at least two weeks since the engine had been started , but sitting in the car and waiting for the fuel and the oil to flow through was somewhat relaxing . Once I flipped through the dials on the radio and found a good song , it was easy to sink into driving bliss . The garage door opened and I could almost taste the freedom of the open road . One thing was for certain , I was never going to wait this long to drive again . She ran to the back of the car . Since the rain was still falling , I franticly looked for an umbrella . In my rush to drive the open highway , I left it by the front door . Realizing that she wasn 't going to come back to save me from the downpour , I stepped out of the car . " What 's wrong Michelle ? " " What did I do ? " By now I was drinking my words . The rain had completely soaked my body . Michelle looked up at me as I reached the back of the car . Blood was being washed down the street by the rain . My heart sank . It was Shelly , another neighbor 's dog . She lived with a nice family , who rescued Shelly from the humane society years ago . Shelly was always letting herself in and out of the house through her dog door . When I looked back at the fence , it was open . She still didn 't stop looking at me . The rain had washed the blood from her hands . The umbrella that was keeping her dry , previously , was now making crescent moon shapes in my driveway . I was almost tempted to pick it up and use it for myself . However , this wasn 't about me . Poor Shelly was under my tire and it was my fault . Her eyes looked down at the mangled mess and back towards me . The disgust on her face was still there , but it was clear she didn 't want to be involved . Plus , I 'm sure she was missing some soap opera . Looking at what I had done was not settling . The more I stared at poor Shelly , the more I wished I would have taken the bus . It was too late now . The bus was long gone , as I too should have been . I returned to my car and drove forward . The scrapping of Shelly 's bones echoed inside the car . The sounds sent chills throughout my body . Knowing that I didn 't have much time to get to work , I grabbed a lawn bag from the garage . What was meant to hold leaves and fallen limbs was now going to hold a dead dog . A dog that I had carelessly ran over . I moved Shelly off the concrete with a shovel and placed her in the bag . Shelly was a rather large dog . Trying to pick her up , while it was raining , was difficult . I felt bad , but dragging her into the garage was my only option . What was even more stressful , was knowing that I had to be at work soon . Writing about how I ran over a dog was nerve racking . There wasn 't an easy way to put it . I worked in accounting , not the sympathetic note - writing department . However , it had to be done . It is with deep regret and ultimate sorrow , that I must give you this awful news . I , John Maxwell , your neighbor , accidentally ran over your dog . It happened this morning . Shelly is in my garage and I will be home around six . Again , I am VERY sorry . Sincerely , Honestly , I 'm not sure I could have said it any better , given the circumstances . My clothes were soaked and the clock was constantly reminding me of how late I was . Braving the rain , again , I ran next door and shoved the letter inside the mail slot . With the same amount of energy , I changed clothes and continued to work . Knowing that I was going to be late , calling was high on the priority list . Since driving wasn 't something that I did on a regular basis , talking on the phone while operating a vehicle , wasn 't my best quality . In that short time , my car ( I ) , hit another vehicle . It took a while before I actually realized what happened . Shaking off what was becoming a very bad day , I heard a disturbingly booming voice . Smoke from the broken car and sheets of rain made it difficult to see where the voice was coming from . His constant yelling did not make me want to get out of the car any faster . That 's when I found myself locking the doors . His fist found his way to my windshield and he started beating on the glass like an angry gorilla . His body was massive . He was covered in tattoos and of course , didn 't mind showing them off by wearing a shirt with ripped sleeves . The rain covered his skin and you could see the veins in his body pulsing . There was nothing that could make me get out of this car . I started to pick up my phone and call the police . The large man then looked at me as if I had committed a crime . His eyes stared deeply into mine and the look had actually distracted me from pushing the rest of the numbers . He then took his fist and slammed them into my windshield . The force sent tiny cracks across the glass . In my sudden reaction , my body left the seat , and the phone fell to the floor . My eyes were still locked on his face . The man looked at me for a few seconds longer and started walking towards his truck . Not knowing what he was about to do , I found myself frozen . ' John ! ' ' You have to snap out of it and call the police ! ' The voice in my head was loud . Quickly coming out of my hypnotized state , I searched for my phone . A car door slammed in the distance and I feared he had come back to kill me . My body 's temperature flashed in waves of heat . My palms were clammy and it was becoming difficult to grab the phone . I started shaking and was sure he was standing at the window with a gun or some other weapon . Slowly turning my head to face certain death , I heard the squealing of rubber . Quickly looking up , the man was speeding off . Why would someone drive away like that ? What would cause you to act like a psycho and then just leave ? Maybe he didn 't want any confrontation from the cops . One thing was for sure , at least I wasn 't going to be in too much trouble . That crazy gorilla left the scene of an accident and it wasn 't even his fault . Listening to the rain tap my car , I couldn 't help but think of how I should have taken the bus . After waiting in what was becoming a cold car , the police , insurance company , and the tow truck driver made their rounds . The whole time I was focused on the man who left the scene . His stature , the crazy looks , and the way he left . It didn 't seem right and the whole situation made me feel uneasy . The town wasn 't that big and if he wanted to find me , it wouldn 't be that hard . That made me feel extremely paranoid . I felt myself looking over my shoulders and constantly scanning my surroundings . The man was parked across the street , waiting in his truck . Did he really follow me over here ? What was going on ? Maybe it was just my imagination . I closed my eyes tightly and a vision of him flashed before me . When I opened my eyes , he was gone . Where did he go ? Was he even there ? " Sorry , I just thought I saw someone . " Did I see someone ? Looking over my shoulder again , he wasn 't there . This was something I had to snap out of . A headache started piercing behind my eyeballs . " Sir , are you okay ? " The look on her face was genuine , but you could tell she really wanted to get to the next customer . " Your car won 't be ready for a few days . The radiator is busted and we have to order the part . " " Do you have a rental car ? " Finishing what needed to be done at the garage , I made my way outside where it was still raining . Finding the nearest bus stop , I took a seat at the bench . It was only thirty minutes until the next bus , but the wait felt like hours . What I really wanted to do was go home and get this entire day over with . Maybe the scary guy just wanted to mess with me for hitting his truck . He obviously didn 't want to be involved with the police , and to pay me back for not paying attention , he planned to make me nervous by following me around . It was working . However strange the plan was , it was working . The bus arrived and as I took my seat , I saw him . He was parked across the street and as soon as the bus pulled out , so did he . On the verge of panicking , I franticly searched for my cell phone . Searching every pocket I had over and over , it dawned on me that I left it in my car . Wanting desperately to call the police , I asked anyone that would listen if I could borrow their phones . It was useless . They turned their backs and acted as if I were a crazy person . What was I going to do ? Knowing that I couldn 't ride this bus forever even made me more nervous . Why was this happening to me ? What was it that I did wrong ? What made my heart race more was the fact that the bus didn 't have a back window . How was I to know if he was still following me ? I didn 't , and that was scary . When the bus reached my stop , the only choice I had was to run home . It was a half mile to my house and the rain was still coming down . Not to mention , it was getting dark . Jumping off the bus , I could feel everyone looking at me . It was the story of my life , today . Everything I have done has ended with stares and glares . The unfortunate part of this day , was that it was not over . Getting myself together , I prepared to make a run for it . Certainly making the right decision this time because he was right behind me . Why doesn 't he just kill me now ? It 's dark enough that no one would know what happened . Visions of what he was going to do to me clouded my brain . That 's when I thought , what if he just wants to give me his insurance ? Maybe I was giving myself a heart attack for nothing . That thought was quickly erased when I thought of all the times he could have given me the proper documents . He was slowly driving behind me , waiting for me to enter my house , so he could kill me , or something of that nature . Finally reaching my doorstep , I fumbled for my keys while franticly looking behind me . He slowed his truck to gaze at me and drove off . What was he doing ? Was this really happening to me ? Slamming the door open , I quickly shut and locked it . Falling to the floor , tears filled my eyes as I was certain that he would come back . I jumped off the floor and ran to the phone . My hands were soaking wet and dialing three numbers started to become very difficult . Suddenly , loud knocks filled the house . I dropped the phone and it fell to pieces on the hard tile floor . It must be him . It had to be him . Who else would be knocking on my door like that ? Slowly , I walked towards the door trying not to make a sound . A hundred thoughts of how I was going to die filled my mind . What was really sad , is how none of the thoughts were how to survive . What did she want ? I did not need visitors right now . Taking a second look through the peephole , I saw Patricia Baxter . Then , I quickly remembered why she was at my door . Poor Shelly was in my garage . Opening the door , I prepared myself for the worst . Even though Patricia was soaking wet , I could still see the tears on her face . She quickly smacked me across the face . The stings of pain made me feel alive , which was better than facing death . That 's when I saw him . Instead of sitting in his truck and watching me , he was walking towards my house . In his hands I saw a shotgun . The rain bounced off the metal and I could swear that the splashes looked like glitter . Grabbing Patricia 's arm , I threw her in the house . She screamed and asked what the hell I was doing . Quickly gaining her balance , she saw what was coming and started to scream some more . It took all my strength to try and close the door behind me . He had already made his way to my porch and was pushing the door open . Patricia was yelling and asking questions that I had no answers to . My body gave up and he flung the door open . Falling backwards next to Patricia , I kept my eyes on the crazed man . He slammed the door shut and locked us in . Patricia started crying and started to plead for her life . She told the man how she was only here to get her dead dog . She told him that I ran over her beloved Shelly , and to let her get her dog so she could leave . It made me angry that Patricia had pawned me off to save her life , but I was sure I would have done the same . Instead of letting Patricia go , he stroked the barrel of his gun . He was caressing it like a woman touching her freshly shaved legs . The silence in the air was unsettling . Turning my head , I looked at Patricia . She was still sobbing , but her eyes were closed . Was she making her peace with God ? Should I be doing the same ? It wasn 't right . None of this was right . Questions of doubt and anger filled my head . The biggest one was why . Why didn 't I take the bus ? It was after looking at the man in my living room a second time , when I too started to make my peace . My life wasn 't bad , just unfulfilled . All the things I had always wanted to do were out of reach now . Camping , hiking , skiing , paragliding , the list was long and would never be finished . My funeral played out in my head . Sobs from my mother filled my ears . Her dreams of hoping I would meet a nice girl and start a family would never happen , as I was her only son . The laughter of my children around a campfire played out and I imagined sitting there , filling sticks with marshmallows . What I wanted would never be . Looking once more at Patricia , I wondered if she was thinking about her family too . Then , I looked at the man holding the gun . He was still stroking the barrel . Was he thinking about whom he wanted to kill first ? His hand grasped the barrel and he forcefully pumped the gun . The sound was horrifying . It put everything into perspective . You could hear the bullet enter the chamber . Patricia screamed and her body jumped back almost a foot . I too jumped and gasped what was sure to be my last breath . He took the shotgun and pointed it at Patricia . Her eyes shut tightly and I saw her prepare herself for the impact of the bullet . Why wasn 't he saying anything ? Couldn 't he give us , especially me , a reason as to why he was doing this ? It wasn 't fair . Watching his fingers , he pressed lightly on the trigger and the bullet left the chamber . The sound was extremely loud . Everything around me was in slow motion . Patricia fell backwards and the blood flew from her chest . It sprayed on my face and oozed all over the floor . Rage flowed through my veins . Immediately I screamed at him and asked him why . He was still silent . He pumped the shotgun , and Patricia 's bullet casing hit the floor . This man was not going to stop until he got revenge . It made me sick to think what he would have done if I had really damaged his truck . However , what was worse than death ? Knowing you were going to die was horrific . Slowly dying from old age had to be horrible too . It was essentially the same , right ? No , it wasn 't the same . I felt the bullet hit my chest . My body fell backward and my head smacked the floor . The casing hit the floor and the sound , like all of the sounds of the day , rang in my ears . It was the final sound of the man walking out of my house and shutting the door , that made me feel a slight relief . Never again did I have to worry about everyday situations . The warmth of my blood felt good against my cold body . When I looked at Patricia , my last thought was disgust about the one decision that changed this entire day . I should have taken the bus . Let Them KnowShareTweetEmailShare on TumblrPocketLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted on December 24 , 2011 , in Uncategorized . Bookmark the permalink . 16 Comments . ← Driving Just a note → Leave a comment Cindi , I hadn 't read the other comments before this and posted on The Writers Pen because I think we all benefit from what people have to say about the work . I 'll tell you that in my opinion the story was almost too long . In a short story , you focus on the point you want to make and carry that closely to the finish . It 's wonderful that people want to know more about bits and pieces and the psycho . But be careful . That 's not the story . He 's a tool . John is the story . Keep it clean . Keep it real . Keep it focused . If that includes adding or subtracting , that 's up to you to interpret as you see the story 's lifeline . Hi Annette , I have to say that I agree with you . While it would be good to elaberate , I like short stories . Although , technically , this story is too long to be a short . Thank you Randi . I apprectiate you for looking at my blog and reading this story . I 'm glad you liked it . Hope you stop by again soon . Hi - I love it . I really like your story . The atmosphere is strong and the internal dialogue kept the conflict moving . Now you know how I feel , here are some suggestions . Give a clue it 's a man sooner . It helps fill in the reader 's imagination . The mention of tears reduced his appeal . Perhaps more frustration and anger would keep us rooting for him . Shotguns don 't have bullets - its pellets . I too hope you make this a longer story . Consider his death scene - involve his senses . Here is an interesting web site you might want to bookmark . http : / / fmwriters . com / Visionback / Issue36 / writblood . htm Our TV and radio media are usually found in the entertainment part of the broadcast company . While the perception of crime and things to fear are held high by the media , we have experienced a steady drop in reported crime since 1996 . I 'll leave the possible reasons for that to other discussions . While I believe that any crime is too much to tolerate , here are the figures on the crime rate since 1980 from http : / / www . disastercenter . com / crime / uscrime . htm Year Rate Thank you for the comment . I am thrilled you like the story . I think my perception of crime here is so high because I watch too much tv that talks about it , ( the news ) , just as you stated . I also watch a show called I Survived on the Bio channel . There are some pretty gruesome stories on that show . I am glad to know that crime is not as high as it used to be . What is interesting about the supplied data , is the increase in crime during the late 80s and throughout the 90s . I did a project for school about cocanie during the 80s and 90s . It 's interesting to see those numbers . Thank you again for your wonderful comments . I will be sure to update my story with the appropriate cartridge for the shotgun , or prehaps change the weapon to my favorite gun , the Glock . Not sure which one I 'll go with though . Hmmm … Cindi , I really like this . To me it shows a good imagination and an author who can write short stories , something I am not very good at . So please don 't think me hyper critical for pointing out a few things I found it needing a little smoothing out . It 's because I like it so much I want to point these things out . This story could be almost double in legnth and it would have a bigger impact . You build tension really well but it lacks descriptive pros to cement it together . I am a little confused as to the gender of John . Sounds like a man but you write him like a female - all that crying etc . The way it reads I think John should be Anne . All that said , the storyline is sound and I really like the your style . If you have several pieces like this you might seriously consider working on them and making a collection to be published through The Story Mint . Nice one , Cindi . Thank you so much Raymond . This story is one of my favorites . I actually have been editing over time . I have been working with Suraya on some of my writing , and she is helping me out so much . I was thinking that I may be too descriptive . Like the comment you made about the dogs bones scraping on the ground . I tend to overthink things and this is what happens when I do . I agree with you when you commented about the part in the story that sounds feminine . I want to describe how he is touching the gun , but your right - I don 't want it to sound too girlie . As for the quickness between scenes , I wrote this story in a mere 30 min . Probably less . This story was written years ago and until now ( especially after the comments ) , I never really put much thought into it . However , I agree with adding more so the reader isn 't caught off guard . On a side note , I wrote this story because of a challenge . I had a person tell me that I wouldn 't be able to write about death in first person . My first draft was full of first person pronouns and I re - wrote it to where the Is and mes were sparce . I do have a hard time seperating myself from the story . That might be why John sounds like a girl . However , I wanted to portray him as a bit of a sissy . He can 't even stand up for himself , he 's jumpy , and scared of nearly everything . ( I know a few people like this ) I 'm not sure if I want that psychopath to say anything . I know he spoke when John hit his truck , but I almost like his silence . It 's like a serial killer who lures you in with words and says nothing while he kills you . You can plead and ask why all you want , but will never know the answer . I can play with it a little and see what I think . Maybe the killer can walk up to John while in his house - after he kills the neighbor - and tell him about how people like John make him sick etc . etc . That might be cool . I actually had an idea for a collection of stories . However , each story is completely different from another . They are all short . I don 't have the patience for a novel . I find that people who can write thousands of pages on the same subject are brilliant . But I guess something can also be said for people with short attention spans , like mine , and produce short , creative pieces of work . Just as you said . Thank you so much for reading . Wow . This day certainly went a completely different direction than I anticipated . My reader reactions are as follows : 1 ) I was dreading the possibility that John had hit a child at the beginning of the story and when it turned out to be a dog , I told myself that this story wasn 't going to be that dark . I was wrong . 2 ) I don 't think John should base all the degenerating circumstances on only one decision ( driving instead of taking the bus ) . John obviously has an attention span problem and probably faces several problems on a daily basis from not paying attention or focusing , especially when driving . Everything has cause and effect implementations in life . 3 ) John should have manned up more in life instead of cowering in fear . I will never understand how someone who knows they are about to be murdered will cower , hope and pray instead of fight to the death ( even if losing is inevitable ) . 4 ) Who is this maniac who follows people to their house , home invades and murders two people ? It is true that crime is ramped in American society and a lack of intelligence can pay a factor in criminal behavior , but doesn 't this guy know that their are traffic cameras that may have recorded that accident ? Possible neighborhood witnesses since the neighbors were already peeking out windows earlier in the day after a neighborhood dog was ran over … . . what about to hearing shotgun blasts ? Who does this guy think he is ? All , we the readers , are left with about this maniac are questions . Maybe he was just released from prison and is having trouble adjusting to society again ? Was that his truck , a family member 's truck , a friend 's truck or a stolen truck ? At times , until the guy actually used the shotgun … I was beginning to suspect that John was mentally unbalanced . Thank you for reading and commenting on the story . I 'm glad I could shock you . When I first wrote this story , I thought about making it a child , but thought that was too much . I do have a dog , but some people aren 't as partial to furry friends like myself . I am from the country and see " road kill " all the time . It is sad , but not as sad as small children . ( not that I see children on the road , I do not - just thought I 'd clarify ( ; ) . If I had him hit a child , the story could have ended there . The dog was just a precursor to a horriffic day . If I do not have John blame everything on his one decision , what else can I do ? You are right about John being a person who lacks in the concentration department . I think he is your typical American . He takes the bus to work . His works in an office . He barely makes any money ( one reason he takes the bus ) . His life is mundane . John is a sissy . He doesn 't know how to be brave . I could make him a bit more depressing and that might make readers understand why he just gives up . John 's responce to how he acts when faced with danger is typical . While many people will stand up for themselves , others will not . They have no survival instincts . John is this person . It is quite sad that some people will not fight for the life they were given , but the fact remains - they don 't . It 's a survival of the fittest . I am facsinated with serial killers . I study them . In fact , I am persuing my psychology degree and am finally in my core classes . My first paper ? … Serial killers . I 'm thrilled . My point is that the psychopath in this story holds many similarities of most killers . While I am not saying my killer is a serial killer , he is a psychopath . What nut gets so pissed off about his truck getting dinged , that he follows you to your house and kills you ? A psychopath . He isn 't stable . One flick of the switch and his anger hits an all time high and the next thing you now you 're getting murdered . To answer your question about American crime - yes . Crime is rampant in AmLikeLike Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
I am married to a Christian illusionist . Therefore , I travel all over the country where we perform shows that are filled with magic and a message about the saving power of Jesus Christ . I act as assistant as well as stage manager , stage hand , and many other behind the scenes jobs . Our intention for making the DVD was to use it as a video gospel tract . The DVD is called " Hidden Agenda , " so the message is slightly hidden . However , if you were searching in any way , you would find it . Plus , I trust the Holy Spirit to lead people to it . Apparently , He is already working through this DVD . An 18 year old girl purchased a DVD at the first show this summer that we had the new DVD available . Read the e - mail she sent to Brock : I saw your show at Student Life a few weeks ago in Daytona , GREAT best describes . I bought one of your DVD 's and tonight I was bored and thought I might watch it . I watched a bunch of the extra features and I came to the Puppet Master , it 's the first time I have seen it . I was amazed at how much of my life I have wasted on sin . So , at 2 : 58am , I got on my knees and prayed along with you on the DVD . It was a great message and I thank you so much for showing me the way . For when you were talking about those weird feelings , it felt like my chest was about to explode and I 've never felt that during a preacher 's sermon . In my past and at camp , I thought I was saved . I 've been baptized but never have I felt so alive and ready for Jesus to work in my life . Again , thank you so much for showing me the error of my ways . There are people that we meet on the road that the Lord points out as one that we need to minister to in some way or another . Most of the time , it is a waitress at a restuarant or a security guard at a venue or someone like that . Usually , I give them big smiles and just let them know that I see them and appreciate them as a person . Brock often times speaks with them about just anything ! He can talk with the local garbage man or a US senator with the same ease . However , we don 't always get to share the gospel with them in so many words , so we give them one of our DVD 's which contains a gospel presentation given by Brock . We have performed at the same place in Panama City nine times this summer . There was one hotel janitor that really caught my eye . On the next to last show there , I stepped out the back door and saw him watching Brock from a screen out in the hallway . He was totally engrossed by Brock . So , I knew that he would like a DVD . I decided that since we were midshow , getting him a DVD at that time was not a wise idea , so I waited until our last show . The day of our last show came about . I did not see the guy before nor did I see him walking the halls as he normally did after the show . I went up to one of the girls on staff at the camp and asked if she knew who the guy was , but I didn 't know his name . Why didn 't I just give him the DVD the week before ? After we were all packed up and we had said our goodbyes , I went out to give a DVD to another guy who had rented us chairs on the beach . He responded in a normal fashion . First , he was a little confused . Then , confusion turned to gratification . As I walked out to our truck , I decided to walk through the lobby one more time to see if this guy was present . I began praying that if the Lord wanted me to give him a DVD , that he would be there . As I reached the door to exit , I glanced back over the lobby . Just then , he came out of a side door and entered the hallway . My heart leapt for joy as I knew that the Lord wanted this guy to hear His message . DVD in hand , I ranPosted by These are the top five bad weather conditions that we were in this summer : 5 . The smoldering 99 degrees heat with about 99 % humidity of Dallas , TX . We spent that long , exhaustive day out there for the Celebrate Freedom Fest . We were there from 6 : 30am to 9pm . 4 . The hail storm in New Mexico . There were a couple of fires near our hotel where lightening had struck a building and a field . It came down hard just as we were about to drive to the outdoor venue to get things ready for the show that night . However , it only lasted about 30 minutes and then it dried up nicely for the show . 3 . The tornado in Oklahoma . We had to leave our outdoor auditorioum in the middle of the service because a tornado touched down near the camp . 2 . Tropical Storm Arlene . This was amazing simply because we were able to go right through the eye of the storm . The wind gusts were incredible ! It felt as if we were hit by another vehicle at times . 1 . Hurricane Dennis . Need I say more . We were several miles from where it hit land in Tallahassee and Brock still almost couldn 't drive due to the wind . Also , one of our Panama City shows was postponed . They actually showed our hotel in Panama City on the weather channel before Dennis hit ! Here are the top five ministry moments of the summer : 5 . Brock giving the gospel to a crowd of 20 , 000 at the Texas YEC . 4 . The family of five who all became followers of Christ after seeing Brock perform in the plaza in Mexico . 3 . The four teenagers ranging from ages 12 to 16 who were all drug addicts giving their lives to Christ that same night in Mexico . 2 . Crissy at the camp in Oklahoma praying , " God , I hated you , but now , I love you . " 1 . After Brock had already given the invitation , I was praying in the back for Arora . I knew that she needed to hear that God loved her . Just as I was praying that , Brock spoke it from the stage . Then , Arora left her seat weeping and giving into the Lord . Here are the top 5 craziest moments of the summer : 5 . Brock bit into an oyster and found a pearl ! 4 . Brock and I were riding on the motorcycle trying to get home before the rain hit . It began to sprinkle as we approached our hotel room . Then , it poured and stormed for hours . Had it began just two minutes earlier , we would have been stuck out in that ! 3 . One of the camps had fireworks and a guy was hit by one . Luckily , it only grazed his head leaving him with a small gash . I 've always wondered if that would ever happen . It did ! 2 . Brock wearing his straight jacket at an airport . 1 . When we pulled off the biggest stunt of our life ! These are the five top most beautiful places we 've visited this summer : 5 . The Ecofina Creek in Florida . We canoed down 7 miles of it . 4 . Pensacola Beach before Hurricane Dennis . ( I haven 't visited it since . ) 3 . New Mexico mountains and the Carlsbad Caverns . 2 . A gorge in Tuxtla in Mexico . We took a boatride through it . 1 . Under the water of the beautiful Emerald Springs in the panhandle of Florida . We snorkelled it . For the next 5 days , I 've decided to give you a top 5 of the summer . I know that the summer is not quite over , but our summer shows are complete . So , enjoy the Summer 's Top 5 lists . Here are the top 5 funniest moments : 5 . Brock speaking in a Minnesota accent all over Oklahoma because our rental car had Minnesota plates . The license plate said " 10 , 000 lakes . " When we went to a local lake in Oklahoma , Brock said in his northern accent , " We found 10 , 000 and we 're looking for one more ! " 4 . Two t - shirts : One was worn by a heavy - set young girl and said " I beat anorexia ! " The other was worn by a teenager in Mexico as he played the flute for a music special at the church service . It said , " One tequila , two tequila , three tequila , FLOOR . " 3 . Whenever we had somebody picked up from the airport , we would have them hold up funny signs . For example , whenever Brock 's parents were picked up , Kristin held up a sign that read , " L . Gill and her baby 's daddy ! " When we had Kristin picked up , a sign was held that read , " CRACKHEAD " because that is what Brock calls her . 2 . Visiting the alien museum in Roswell , NM . Brock yelled out the van window , " The aliens are coming ! Please , run for your lives . " 1 . Brock 's Spanish in Mexico . One time , while he was in the straight jacket , he looked at the crowd and said something in Spanish . The Mexicans began snickering . I found out from the translator that he looked at the crowd and said , " I like fish . " I purchased a lot of clothes this summer . Since I grew up in Daytona , I 've never quite shaken the beach style . I still have " sand in my shoes " as my mom says . My favorite stores are Maui Nix , Salty Dog , and Ron Jon Surf Shop . The brand names that I sport the most are Billabong , Lost , and O ' Neil . However , you can only get this stuff in beach towns . So , I save up and do most of my shopping in the summertime . For some reason , I always dressed like a surfer . I never was a surfer , because my mom would not let me . I did body surf ( that is where you catch a wave and let it bring you in all the way to the shore without a board ) . Brock dresses like a skater . He actually skates ( except not recently because his skateboard was stolen at the Celebrate Freedom Festival in Dallas ) . I tried different styles in college and when I lived in Texas . However , surfer clothes just are more me . I 'm confortable in them and I know the name brands well . Maybe the reason Brock and I are often asked if we are from California is because of the way we dress . Back in February , a fitness trainer told us how important water is to drink daily . He said that 64 ounces a day is just an estimate . Every person is unique and needs a different amount of water intake per day . He looked at me and said that I need 80 oz . per day and Brock needs 120 oz . So , we began drinking that much water a day and we have seen a huge improvement . I 've thinned out slightly in the midriff area , and Brock has thinned out immensely . Also , I feel so much better and have alot more energy ! At home , I have a water bottle that holds 24 oz . that I refill throughout the day . On the road , I 've been using bottled water . Needless to say , Brock and I have been through hundreds of bottles of water this summer . Try drinking alot of water daily for yourself . You 'll spend much of your time in the bathroom at first , but it really helps your mood and overall wellbeing . I saw someone the other day in a store . I knew that I knew him from somewhere . He looked too familiar . Where did I know him from ? Was it from a show ? He did look as if he could be a youth pastor . Was it through my parents ? I was in the area in which my parents live . Did I know him from when Brock and I lived in this area a few years ago ? My worlds were colliding as I racked my brain to try and figure out how I knew this guy . We passed each other in the aisle and not knowing what to do , I gave him an enthusiastic " Hi ! " He mumbled a hello as it was obvious that he did not recognize me . Then , I noticed his wife was on the other side of him . I was so intent on figuring out how I knew him that I totally overlooked his wife . That explains why he looked so embarrassed with my " Hi . " I can just picture that discussion between them after I left ! I never know what to do in a situation like that . There are many times when people don 't know who I am if I 'm not accompanied by Brock . He is so memorable . We have waitresses that remember waiting on Brock two years previously ! However , I 'm not quite as easy to remember . So , do I go ahead and say hello making them feel awkward because they don 't remember who I am , or do I not say anything at the risk of looking like a snob ? Help me out here . This happens to me often . " Rejoice in the Lord always and again I say : Rejoice ! Let your gentleness be evident to all . The Lord is near . Do not be anxious about anything , but in everything , by prayer and petition , with thanksgiving , present your requests to God . And the peace of God , which transcends all understanding , will guard your hearts and you minds in Christ Jesus . " Have you ever heard that saying , " If you don 't like the weather , just wait five minutes and it will change . Here in ___________ , it 's always changing . " They say that everywhere . They say it in Texas and in Illinios . They even said it in Australia . It 's funny that people feel that the weather changes quickly only where they live . We enjoy asking people how far it is to a certain city from their city . They always double or triple the amount of time it actually takes to drive to the city in question . For example , we may know that a city is a 2 hour drive from where we stop to eat . So , we ask the waiter how long it will take to drive to that city . He 'll usually tell us that it takes about 5 hours to get there . Next time you go on a road trip ask about the weather and how far the next town is . You will find that weather is weather no matter where you are . Also , people are people no matter where you are . I led a group of girls in a Disciple Now almost ten years ago in my home town . The following summer , I worked as a summer missionary in this little town . We put on Backyard Bible Clubs . I had a lot of these same girls help me lead the clubs for children . I still pray for these girls , and it is amazing to see how the Lord keeps putting them in my life . One of the girls , Brittany , died in a car accident a few years ago . I was able to attend the funeral . Brittany 's best friend , Tiffany , is such a prayer warrior . She e - mails me or comments on my blog about her prayer life . The Lord is really working in her life . We just found out that one of the girls from that same group , Jessica , had some blood clots in her lungs . It was totally God that they discovered the clots because the doctor said that you usually find this kind of physical illness upon death ! It is not very detectable . Plus , the next week , she was planning to fly to Saudi Arabia . It would be a 17 hour flight . The doctor said that because of those blood clots , that flight would have killed her . However , because they caught it in time , they were able to get rid of the clots . The same week I found out about Jessica , one of the other girls , Alisha , called me crying because her parents were getting divorced . She just wanted me to pray for her family . It 's neat to see how the Lord is placing His hand in their lives . Even though they have been through some crazy life situations , He has been there for them . I am so glad that He has allowed me to be part of their lives . I will continue to pray for these girls forever . They are so dear to me . Brock has been around such a variety of people that I hear him using lots of different lingo . For example , after being around the skater and bmx guys , he uses the words " sick " and " rough " often . Only one of those words is negative . Can you guess which one it is ? The answer is " rough . " " Sick " means so much better than cool . . . it 's awesome . Of course after going to Mexico and listening to Beck , Brock uses many Spanish terms . We walked into a Chinese restuarant the other day and Brock walked up to the hostess and said , " Hola ! " The Asian lady just smiled . Then , Brock continued , " Dos , no fumar . " The smile then became a chuckle . Many of the film crew were from England , so their accents and words were amusing . We happened to see some dolphins jumping out in the ocean while we were filming and Anna , one of the directors , said , " Crikey ! " They also use the word " brilliant " alot when complimenting person . I 've actually caught Brock saying " rubbish . " We have been onstage , driving , flying , or filming everyday except two since June 2nd . However , we are performing today , the 22nd , and the 27th in Panama City . In between these dates , we are going on vacation ! We are taking our street bike out of the trailer and using it to drive to our vacation spots . Our first break , we are meeting my parents in Destin where we have rented a condo . That will be fun ! We 'll watch out for sharks . The next break , we are going to explore these springs . One of Florida 's best kept secrets are their natural springs . They have them all over the state . They consist of crystal clear water springing up from the ground . It 's a great place to snorkel . Most of the springs that we are going to visit you can only reach by boat , so we intend to rent a canoe . If you want to see some of the springs we plan to visit , go to www . tfn . net / springs / CentralFloridaPanhandleChapter . html . Emerald Spring is the one that I 'm looking forward to the most ! During the months of June and July , we will have spent 47 nights in a hotel room somewhere . Some of them are good , others are not . It always seems that the time that we are extremely tired and just want to get into our room is the time when we have the most problems . For example , we 've been checking in and out of this hotel here in Panama City several weeks now without a problem . The other night when we didn 't arrive until 2am with a show to do the following morning , they did not have our reservations . This is how it goes ! One late night , after spending an hour trying to park in their designated " truck parking , " we went in only to try the keys in the hotel room four times unsuccessfuly . That is four times of walking back down to the desk , getting them rekeyed , and walking back up the flight of stairs and down the hall . Finally , a man opens the door with sleepy eyes and in an irratated voice said , " Wrong room . " The front desk tried to give us an occupied room ! My favorite hotel that we have stayed at this summer was the Hilton in Daytona . It used to be the Marriot when I lived there , and I always dreamed of staying there . It was the nicest hotel in Daytona Beach . My dreams came true last week . We had a really great room right on the beach . Our balcony overlooked the boardwalk and the ocean . We left the curtains open so that the morning sunlight poored into the room . It was fabulous ! I am very glad to be finished with our outdoor events . We did 10 straight shows outside . Ugh ! It started with the big stunt . Then , we performed three nights in New Mexico . All of these venues were on a black , hot parking lot . It was hot . Then , we went to Dallas for the big festival where we performed numerous shows out in the hot , blazing , Texas heat . It was sticky . In Mexico , we did two formal shows outside under a pavillion and many informal shows out in the plaza . I got bit by some funky , Mexican bug . He got me all over my legs and arms . I 'm still itching from those bites ! Luckily , our remaining shows for the summer are in nice , air conditioned buildings . We purchased the new Inhabited CD yesterday . It is sooo great ! Everyone should go to your local Christian bookstore and get a copy . The guy at the counter said that they have only been on the shelf for two days and are selling like hotcakes . Inhabited rocks ! Our new DVD 's came in ! They look so cool . I am actually excited about this DVD . For our first DVD , Brock performed close - up magic , because we thought that people would like to take home a DVD containing material that they did not see on stage . WRONG ! People want to buy exactly what they saw on the stage that night . So , this DVD is more like what we do in our shows and on the road . It shows alot of Brock 's humor as well . I think that it is entertaining . We recieved one order two shows ago and we are almost out ! If you would like to order a copy , go to our website www . brockgill . com . Also , Brock is working on writing a book on the miracles of Jesus . It will be his take on what he learned in Isreal and through research . Comment or e - mail me at aunygill @ yahoo . com if you have any questions that you would like answered concerning the miracles of Jesus . He has not begun writing it yet , so we do not know exactly what direction to take with it . Let us know if you have any suggestions . We had another flat tire yesterday . It 's become so commonplace for us that I just crawled into the back of the truck and read my book until Brock took care of the problem . A truck driver stopped and helped Brock remove the tire . The beauty of having three axles is that you can ride on just two for a short while . So , that is what we did . We took it into the shop today here in Lynchburg , VA . We happen to have some friends that live here , so we are hanging out with them until the trailer tire is replaced . I used to freak out when we had road troubles like this . However , after coming up on several fatal accidents , it puts things into perspective . We 've seen so many dead bodies on the side of the road . It definately increases your prayer life . We 're so blessed that in all the miles that we 've driven , we 've never experienced a serious accident . A flat tire every now and then is nothing in comparison . Today is a drive day . I love drive days ! Drive days are days in which we only drive to a city or home . We do not have a show on that day . Therefore , I throw my hair up and wear no make - up . Brock puts on a trucker hat and we just drive anonymously throughout the country . Usually , we drive 10 hours at the most on a drive day . All day , we sit in our rig , driving , reading , watching a dvd , listening to music , or talking on the phone . Then , we stop in random towns to eat and fuel up . There are many times when Brock says we 've stopped at this restuarant or truck stop many times before . When we are in the south , we try little home cooking places on the side of the road . In the midwest , Cracker Barrel is our restuarant of choice . The decor is not very appealing , but the food is great . Also , you can eat there often and not get tired of it because of its large selection of food . Have you ever noticed the stars on the waitresses ' aprons at Cracker Barrel ? They can have up to 4 stars . They aquire these stars by passing different " Cracker Barrel " tests . The other day , we had a waitress that didn 't have any stars yet . I knew more about the menu than she did . I wonder if I could pass those tests ? I bet that I could get at least 2 stars ! The show last night in Daytona went extremely well . The youth were very intrigued the entire show . However , it was tough for us . Yesterday 's drive from Tallahassee to Daytona was rough . Then , when we finally arrived , lots of things were missing or broken . Our trailer was full of water . Our door to the truck is broken and had some water damage . I left one of the props in Texas and we were unable to do a certain illusion . Our bike would not start even though we had taken it in to be fixed . After Brock took the whole thing apart , he realized that the shop did not fix it at all . Therefore , we could not do the motorcycle trick . We 're just a little tired . I 'm not tired of the travelling , just working . I 'm ready to play . We 're going to these wonderful vacation spots yet we are not on vacation . I find myself watching people in their swimsuit attire walking along the sidewalk and wishing that I could be them at that time . Don 't feel too sorry for me . We are taking some vacation time in between our shows in Panama City next week . I walked along the beach this morning . Daytona is the best walking beach that I have found . There are miles and miles of flat , hard packed sand . Also , I grew up in Daytona , so I had a bit of nostalgia as I walked along the ocean . I remember walking that same path as a teenager and dreaming about what my future would be like . I always wanted an adventurous life . I think that I got it ! You never dream about the bad that will come in the course of life . I 've got the adventure that I wanted but what I did not realize is that adventure means extremes . We don 't really have an average time . It 's either really good or really bad . My life is not mediocre . I guess that is what I wanted , and I need to take the good with the bad in order to really enjoy my adventure ! We had to drive from Houston to Daytona Beach , FL yesterday . However , due to all of the evacuations , I - 10 was only allowing drivers to go westbound . Therefore , we had to go north to I - 20 and go across in that direction . This added about 7 hours to our drive . Ugh ! Nothing seemed unusual yesterday . We only had a little rain in some areas . The traffic was not heavy or light . At one of the truck stops in Mississippi , Brock got on the CB and teased that he had been asleep for 10 hours . One driver replied that he probably needed the sleep . Brock came back with , " That 's okay . I don 't need to be in Pensacola until tomorrow . " Then , lots of drivers began to comment . They all told him not to go to Pensacola . When Brock pretended to be ignorant and asked why , a driver said that Brock had not been asleep but in a coma ! One driver said that he drove through Pensacola during Hurricane Ivan last year . He said in 47 years of driving he had never seen anything like that . He said that just after he passed over the bridge , it washed out . The driver behind him was not as lucky . Right now , we are staying at a truck stop in Tallahassee . In the wee hours of the morning when we arrived , Brock said that it was earrie . There were no cars on the road and hardly any trucks at the truck stop . They also informed him that this was the last place to have anymore gas . Everywhere else on I - 10 had run out ! When I woke up this morning , it was raining and very windy . The truck is shaking profusely as I type right now . I better get driving out of here to try and outrun Dennis the Menace ! I have a lot of time on the road just driving . We spend hours in our big rig . So , I created a fun bag . This is a backpack that has everything I need to keep busy while sitting in one spot without access to internet or television . Right now , my fun bag contains : A gameboyTwo journalsMy BibleThe book Don 't Waste Your Life by John PiperThe devotional from Women of Faith called A Life of WorshipA handheld game of SolitaireA handheld game of YatzeeTwo issues of " Real Simple " magazineOne " Home Companion " magazineLots of highlighters , pens , and pencils in a plastic pouchLotion ( coconut scented because it makes me think of the beach ) KleenexChocolate ( it 's kinda melted , but if i get desperate , it 's there ) Cards that I received for my birthdaySome encouraging notes that students have written meA notebookA sketchpad and charcoal pencilschapstickgum The plan for ministry consisted of starting out with some clowns and Brock performing street magic out in the plaza . This is an outside area in Tuxtla where people hang out in the evenings . Then , we would have everyone come to the show which was held at our hotel . However , we lost a lot of people between the plaza and the hotel . Also , the new church did not really know how to do an outreach . Instead of the pastor coming up and leading an invitation after Brock performed and gave a message , he preached a 30 minute sermon . Needless to say , it was not very effective . However , when Brock was speaking the first night , he used the word " hope " a lot . One of the guys on our team on the mission trip asked if Brock had heard them talking about hope earlier and if that is why he used the term . He said that they were praying that they would know the hope of Jesus . Brock said that he usually doesn 't use that word , but he felt compelled to say it that night . I love it when you know that it is God who is orchestrating things . After the service , we went back out to the plaza with some of our group . Brock performed and gave the gospel out there . He got all tied up in a straight jacket and gave his message using the straight jacket as an illustration of the bondage of sin . He said that the only way to be set free is to give your life to Jesus Christ . Then , he escaped and invited whoever wanted to become a follower of Christ to go over and speak with our leaders . The response was incredible . Several were saved including one entire family and 4 teenagers who were drug addicts . These teens wanted to meet with the local pastor . So , they were introduced . Pray for these new Christians . Also , pray for this new church in Tuxtla . Brock and I have been to various areas of Mexico about half a dozen times . I 've enjoyed myself everytime . The people are truly easy going . They do not care much about time . In fact , I rarely see any kind of clock . In America , we have clocks in every room . We didn 't eat lunch today until 3pm ! There are certain situations where time does matter . They have much less personal space than we do in the U . S . For example , on the plane , they crowd right behind each other and even touch . The Mexicans pile 5o people into a van . That 's not an exaggeration by the way . Their showers are tiny . Part of the reason may be due to their physical size . They are rather small in stature . Brock looks like a giant to them . Once , when we were getting our flippers for a snorkeling tour in Mexico , the locals began laughing at Brock . They were pointing to his feet and saying , " Grande ! " I guess they are not accustomed to size 14 feet ! Their sense of humor is great here . Brock keeps the Mexicans laughing . He knows just enough Spanish to mess with people . His favorite phrase other than " Que pasa " ( What 's up ? ) is " yo seguridado mi pantalones " ( which means " I security my pants " or something like that ) . Everyone either laughs or looks rather confused because they don 't even have the slightest idea of what he is trying to say . He also randomly yells out " Andelay hot dog , your popsickle 's melting , " which is a line from our favorite song , " Que Onda " from the new Beck CD . We are flying out today to the city of Tuxtla in Mexico . We will be performing there and giving the gospel . I don 't really know what to expect . One of the pastors that work with the people of the area tried to explain the difference between doing a show here and performing there . He said that the attention span is much greater in Mexico . He told me this story to help me understand : A couple of years ago , he flew down there a month before the crew came in order to set things in place . He told the people that they would be bringing a clown . The leaders of the local church did not know what a clown was . After they found out , word got around town that a clown was coming . A 5 year old little boy climbed on his donkey and road down a steep hill . He sat at the bottom of the hill for two days . Finally , someone asked why he was sitting there . He said that he was waiting to see the clown . They explained that the clown would be coming in 30 more days , so he packed up his things and went back up the hill . Pray that the show goes well . This will be our first experience with a translator . Also , pray for clarity . We want just the right amount of salvations . We will be helping a church get started in this city . Please pray that people that come to our show will be compelled to come to the new church . The 4th of July is one of my favorite holidays . It 's a time to be with friends and enjoy good food and sun ! Today , we are at my parents ' house in a small town outside of Houston . However , my parents are out of town . A few friends came over to spend the day with us . The friends consist of a guy and girl that grew up with Brock in Saline , LA . The girl , Michawn , brought her husband , sister - in - law , and her two children . In fact , her little four month old child is sitting in my lap as I type this . They are in the process of moving from Phoenix , AZ to Longview , TX . They will be unloading their U - Haul tomorrow . The guy , Brian , brought his wife , Stephanie , who went to college with all of us . She is pregnant with a boy . The due date is August 26th , and they still do not know what to name him . If you have any suggestions , please comment or e - mail me aunygill @ yahoo . com . Today , we perform at the Celebrate Freedom Fest in Dallas , TX . There will be lots of Christian artists perform on stages set up on a big field . It is going to be hot and crowded . The forecast says 99 degrees with a lot of humidity , and they anticipate 250 , 000 people ! We 've never done a festival of this size . I think that it will be fun . To see a list of the performers , go to www . klty . com / celebratefreedom05 / index . htm . These shows were fun . We performed three nights outdoors . The second night , it looked as if it could rain . Not only did it stay dry , but there was a rainbow ! Last night , it stormed for about 30 minutes a couple of hours before showtime . However , it dried up and was a beautiful night . Many people were saved and Artesia really enjoyed all of us . Last night was awesome ! We started out with our grand entrance . I drove the truck in honking the big horn . Then , the trailer door was let down and all of the bmxers and skaters and Brock on his dirtbike bolted out ! Later , the skate team set their rail on fire and set off fireworks under their ramps in honor of the Fourth of July . After the bmx team performed , all of the skaters and bmxers tried to do a new trick . It was cool ! Chaos on Wheels and King of Kings pulled of some incredible stuff ! Lastly , Brock escaped from the water coffin . It was an exciting night ! I don 't just want to experience life ; I want to drink it in . I am very adventurous but not a daredevil . I love the Lord . He is my everything . |
He saw Hankey 's surfer - dude blond head turn away from the computer screen at a barely perceptible velocity . Hankey blinked at him , then pulled out one of his ear buds . " Do you want to have a third coronary ? " Hankey drawled . " Chill . " The Meteorite Man 's fingers tingled like he might actually do something - he didn 't know what - to Hankey 's hair . He stuffed his hands in his pockets and sighed . " You can 't flip the coronary card every time you 're being a dipshit , Junior . " The Meteorite Man muttered and paced for another minute , and then sidled up behind Hankey 's chair , something he knew Hankey didn 't like . Hankey hunched forward and lifted his shoulders , as if the Meteorite Man might reach around and twist his nipple . Hankey 's fear wasn 't unfounded - the Meteorite Man had done this a few times . But now he yanked Hankey 's headphone cord out of the computer . Suddenly there was volume . " There ! Turn that up , " said the Meteorite Man . " That 's the sonic boom . We 're within twenty miles of the impact site . I 'd put money on it . " He clapped his hands and laughed to himself . " I already know that , " muttered Hankey , plugging the headphones back in , but pulling out the ear buds and letting them hang around his neck . " This is exactly why I have to use these . You can 't mind your own b - i - d - n - e - s - s . " Hankey occasionally spelled out words while bobbing his head like a sassy afternoon talk show host . " That 's good , right ? About the sonic boom ? " said a voice - it was the amateur astrophotographer , who stood near the sliding glass door on the other side of the room , as if he might slip behind those musty drapes . The Meteorite Man had almost forgotten about him , even though he and Hankey were in the man 's apartment . God , this apartment . A divorced man 's special - rental unit with walls the color of instant oatmeal . The only decoration was a poster of the Milky Way Galaxy thumb - tacked over a couch that looked like it came from a Motel 6 auction . He pulled his hands out of his shorts pockets and then wasn 't sure what to do with them . They were built for holding cigarettes and whisky . He smiled awkwardly at the man across the room . This guy probably lived out here in bumfuck and commuted over an hour to DC , just so he could see the sky better . These amateurs - or " amateurites , " as the Meteorite Man like to call them - were all gung ho know - it - alls until something useful actually happened . Then they became stuttering idiots . Still , the man had potentially earned the Meteorite Man his own body weight in gold - something like $ 800 a gram . The Meteorite Man studied him , really studied him . The guy wasn 't bad looking - tall , a full head of salt and pepper hair , chiseled jaw . Three different bicycles hung upside down in the entryway . And he had one honking big - ass telescope on the balcony . Celestron Edge 1400HD . Probably around $ 10 , 000 . The Meteorite Man experienced a strange little itch that was something like respect . " So , Chad , " the Meteorite Man said , moving across the room , having to reach up to put his arm around those broad shoulders . He maneuvered the man toward the balcony outside the open glass door . " An astrophotographer , huh ? And a damn good one . I can see you know your stuff . " " Well , " said the amateurite , gesturing to the telescope , " there really wasn 't any skill involved . I programmed her to take five three - minute exposures of Andromeda , and I decided at the last minute to use the video option , too . Then I sat in there and watched Letterman . I was totally bummed when I saw those streaky images . I didn 't even know it was a meteorite . If it hadn 't been for Mister . . . Mister - Alisso , I think his name was - seeing the photo on my blog - " The Meteorite Man looked at Hankey , whose head turned considerably faster this time . Hankey 's wide brown eyes - the ones women wrote about in fan letters - searched the Meteorite Man 's face , panic in them as if he were a spooked horse . Then Hankey threw his hands in the air and mouthed the words Jesus fuck me ! The Meteorite Man motioned calmly toward the floor with his palms , like a preacher easing the congregation into the seats - as if to say Shhh . I got this . " Okay , Chad , " said the Meteorite Man , working to keep his voice even . " When was this ? " Out of the corner of his eye , the Meteorite Man saw Hankey drop his head back in response to this news and study the ceiling , but the boy didn 't say anything or let out a noisy sigh . He was learning . It was easier to undo a person 's allegiance to the competition if you downplayed the stakes . " I tried to , but I could hardly get a word in edgewise , " said the amateurite , shrugging . The Meteorite Man studied the guy 's face . A word in edgewise ? This geek hadn 't said boo since they 'd arrived , just shown them to the computer and retreated to the door like a dumb , happy dog waiting to be walked . " Mr . Alisso looked at the first photo with his 10x Loupe , " Chad continued , " and then he took off . " " Ha ! " the Meteorite Man clapped his hands . " Classic Alisso ! " His rival Alisso 's impatience coupled with Chad 's reticence had probably saved the hunt , spared the Meteorite Man from making a wasted trip all the way from Arkansas with his goddamn ever - expanding entourage . He patted the amateurite on the back . " It 's all good , Chad . It 's all good . " Hankey exhaled , shooting the Meteorite Man a relieved look . Then he turned back to the desk , scribbling his calculations in his notepad . The Meteorite Man fought the urge to snatch the pencil out of Hankey 's hand . He knew he could calculate faster than anyone , but he didn 't allow himself to do the map and compass work anymore , not since he 'd had those heart attacks on two different occasions just like this one - - when he 'd been figuring a zero - degree line between a camera and a strewn field . He 'd chosen Hankey - who was good - who 'd been breathing down the Meteorite Man 's neck every time he went on a hunt in Texas . But who was also only twenty - six years old . Look at him there in those baggy shorts and the muscle shirt and barely able to grow that scraggly goatee beard . A kid . The Meteorite Man did have to admit , though , that he had earned more disposable income since Hankey had been featured on the show . And the chicks . Man , the chicks ! Somehow , the Meteorite Man 's sex appeal multiplied exponentially with the addition of a sidekick . It made him wish he still cared about getting laid by twenty - something groupies . The universe did have a sense of humor . That reminded him - goddamn Lenny out in the hallway . He 'd be pissed , yet again , that the Meteorite Man had not let them start filming . It was Lenny 's own stupid fault for bringing a new camera man . How could the Meteorite Man be sure the guy wasn 't Alisso 's mole ? Alisso wasn 't just liberal with bribes ; he wasn 't just charming . When charm didn 't work , he could be ruthless ; he had a way of getting people into his pocket one way or the other . " Okay , good . I 'll tell you what . You pretend the rest of those guys - especially Alisso - they don 't exist . These pictures , and this video - they belong to the Meteorite Man now . You do that for me , and you can come with us tonight on the hunt . " He thought about promising Chad a cut of the profits or a role on this episode of the show , but one thing the Meteorite Man had learned over the years was that amateurites didn 't care much about money or even fame . They were mostly would - be astronauts whose asthma or overbearing mothers had dashed their dreams of space travel . Which suited the Meteorite Man fine . There was no way he was letting Chad Barkley out of his sight - it would be like the frigging witness protection program - or , no , the Alisso Protection Program . That unscrupulous fuck was so out of control , it was a wonder he hadn 't taken to murdering the Chad Barkleys of the world just to cover his tracks . The Meteorite Man had once untied a retired carnival worker and his wife who he 'd found in a closet of their own home after one of Alisso 's visits . He 'd found a note taped to the man 's chest : Too slow , Chester . The Meteorite Man 's name was not Chester , but that 's the sort of character Alisso was - someone who sought to demean you by calling you Chester or Skippy or Chucky . The Meteorite Man would never understand why his own ex - wife , Marianne , had fallen for Alisso . It shouldn 't have mattered that the three of them went way back . She could have done so much better . She had been single for two years after their divorce and was so pretty - with wavy dark brown hair , a tiny waist , and feet you wanted to put in your mouth - who wouldn 't have wanted her ? Alisso had been with Marianne for three years now . The Meteorite Man pictured her kissing Alisso 's thin , chapped lips and shuddered . It must be about power . Alisso made women think that he had it . It was sleight of hand , his Houdini - like ability to flim - flam so many , that had gotten him this far . " You sure ? " said the Meteorite Man . Hankey had screwed up their last gig by putting the decimal point in the wrong place when he triangulated the possible impact zone . They had ended up at a Jack in the Box outside Houston while Alisso got the prize , forty miles away in El Cielo del Campo . It wasn 't bad enough that half his money went to Marianne , and therefore by default to Alisso ( the wise bastard was a live - in boyfriend , not Marianne 's second husband ) . But now , now Alisso also had one of the rare pieces of lunar rock from this decade , something which rightfully should have belonged to the Meteorite Man , which would have belonged to him , no question , ten years earlier . Before he needed goddamn Hankey , who would have been sixteen at the time . If that sonic boom happened when the amateurite 's video suggested it did - Shazam ! They were in the less - than - twenty - four - hour money . Not only that , but witnessed falls increased the value of meteorites exponentially . This one had not only been seen by at least a hundred people , but had also been caught on numerous cameras , including the one at the water treatment plant . And the size of the thing ! It would make El Cielo del Campo look like a rusted , lonesome pebble . Hankey gathered his equipment into his Billabong backpack . Billabong had become one of the show 's sponsors since Hankey had gotten on camera , and now Lenny was always finding excuses to film right behind the backpack as they walked . It irked the Meteorite Man a little . Ah , that was more like it . The Meteorite Man smiled the smile he knew Hankey hated , then he held - up to his forehead - three fingers in the shape of a W . " Whatever , Pretty Boy . " He made a muscle and slapped it with his other hand . It might have been true that his diet was terrible - his favorite meal was the Bacon Cheddar Melt at Arby 's - but he was still lean and wiry for a fifty - nine - year - old legend . " Like iron , kid . " " Sure , you bet , " said Chad . He had the wondering eyes of a puppy taking his first steps on grass . Just how the Meteorite Man wanted him . " Oh , man , Lenny . " He turned to the camera man as they approached the elevator . " You smell like the fucking perfume counter at Bloomingdale 's . " All the guys in the crew cracked up , but not the Meteorite Man . He studied Lenny 's face . Lenny with his art school glasses and sarcastic t - shirts . Jesus . These producers . Did they actually think TV was art ? What they did was as rigid and formulaic as an auto assembly line , which was where the Meteorite Man 's father had worked . His father had dropped dead at the plant when he was two years younger than the Meteorite Man was now . Out in the parking lot , the Meteorite Man studied the sky - a few cumulous clouds across the pinkening dusk , nothing to worry about yet , though rain was due from the south tomorrow morning . The winds that would bring it had already whipped up , and the Meteorite Man could feel the hair on his legs . " Hold still , " he said to Hankey . He reached into the side pocket of the younger man 's backpack to retrieve the detachable legs from his cargo pants , which he now zipped back onto the bottom of his shorts . While he had the backpack open , he pretended to fish his beta blocker from the bottle and then pretended to swallow it for the benefit of Hankey and Lenny , who harassed him daily to take his meds . The betas made him sluggish and surely he could skip one just this once . If they didn 't find the meteorite before twenty - four hours went by , its value would plummet . And if it rained , and the thing rusted ? " Gear up , everyone . It 's going to be a long night . " He stood up and surveyed the lot . Then he said to Lenny : " Keep that monstrosity of a van away from my car . " Just six months ago , he had persuaded Lenny to stop driving that van that said The Air and Space Channel on the side of it . Still , a huge white conversion van was anything but inconspicuous . The Meteorite Man himself always used a rental , and always a different make and model each time . At the water treatment plant , Hankey sweet talked the foreman into letting them watch the closed circuit TV tapes from the night before . That was another thing Hankey did better - he played the dopey surfer dude to a tee , and he always pointed out the TV camera waiting outside . Turned out every schmo in the USA would risk his job and his kids ' futures to have his face on the tube for five seconds . The Meteorite Man understood . He used to give two shits about being on TV , the attention it brought , the attention he thought he wanted . He liked the money ; he liked the legitimacy ; and he loved being able to lord it over Alisso . But as for possessing a face people recognized - was that really an accomplishment ? Goddamn Colonel Sanders had that . When they piled into the cramped booth to watch the tape , the Meteorite Man fought the urge to elbow Lenny , who leaned into him , pressed by the crew , the camera , and the boom . It was hard to breathe . Meteorite Man was sweating and regretted zipping those pant legs back on . The security guard pressed play , and then the Meteorite Man gasped . The footage was not black and white or grainy ; it was as sharp and colorful and clear as the high definition television he had at home . They had to watch a half an hour 's worth of footage , waiting for that one second when the meteorite would streak across darkening sky on the screen . And they couldn 't afford to blink . Fifteen minutes went by , and then another ten minutes that felt like an hour . The Meteorite Man kept wiping his face , but his hand was wet and it didn 't do any good . He was probably addicted to those damned beta blockers . The Meteorite Man had been studying the moisture on his fingertips and missed the whole thing . When he looked up , the amateurite was still pointing at the screen , where there remained a greenish glow . " Let 's see it again , " he said . The security guard hit the rewind button , and he played it again , this time in slow motion . The Meteorite Man opened his eyes wide and willed himself not to blink . But this was not the dingy gray flash he 'd seen so many times before on closed circuit TVs all over Texas and Arkansas . Instead , a colorful fireball burst across the giant screen , breaking up as it fell , sparkling like a firework . The light illuminated the faces of the open - mouthed crew . " Damn , " muttered Hankey . A trail remained for a full minute , sinuous and smoky against the purple twilight , a slight bend in it . In his whole career , the Meteorite Man had not come this close to witnessing a fall for himself . The only time he 'd seen one with his own eyes had been the time that started it all , the time when he was twelve and he 'd been standing outside the funeral home in Lutherville , Texas , his father 's hometown . When he 'd stood up to go back inside , he 'd stuffed his hands in the pockets of his new stiff dress pants and he 'd sighed and tilted his face toward the sky , and that was when he 'd seen it . Like this footage on the screen - the sparkle across the purple dusk . He had almost forgotten how bright it had been , almost like it was alive . " Perfect , " said the Meteorite Man , wondering if anyone had noticed how pallid he must look . He 'd suddenly gone from sweltering to shivering , just as he had shivered that night in his twelve - year - old body , as if the fiery sparkle in the sky were now tingling inside his kneecaps , his stomach , his fingertips . He brought his elbow to his face now and wiped it good , and then he tried to stand taller . Hankey sidled in close and showed him some numbers he had scribbled on his clipboard . They locked eyes . " Ten miles northeast , " they both said . The Meteorite Man laughed and patted Hankey on the back . Outside the booth , he drew several deep breaths . " Every hunt could be your last , " he muttered to himself , quoting something his doctor had said at a recent checkup . It was then that the Meteorite Man glanced over and noticed the amateurite had tears in his eyes . Oh Christ . He patted Barkley on the back , too . " This is getting good , Chad . With any luck , you 'll make history tonight . " By the time they 'd driven ten miles to Smoky Ordinary , population 8500 , it was 7 : 00 p . m . They had the advantage over Alisso because the TV crew gave them credibility as they slogged door - to - door . They weren 't just a couple of creepy guys trying to gain access to the backyard . In fact , when he and the crew showed up , housewives squealed and said , " My hair looks a mess ! " By 9 : 00 p . m . , they 'd canvassed nearly half the town , or at least it felt like it . " Could we have miscalculated ? " the Meteorite Man said to Hankey . His right knee hurt , as it sometimes did before a storm . Hankey stopped walking and turned to face the Meteorite Man : " We did not miscalculate . It 's here . We just have to be the ones stubborn enough to find it . " Then he gasped with exasperation : " You 're the one who taught me that , Dickhead ! " With that , Hankey marched off toward the next house . Damn it , he was right . The Meteorite Man had seen all the calculations for himself . What the hell was his problem ? Just then a woman in running clothes huffed past the Meteorite Man and grabbed Hankey 's arm . The Meteorite Man recognized her from one of the first houses they 'd visited a few hours ago - large Rottweiler , no husband in sight , tight juicy ass . " I just got off the phone with my friend Abilene . She lives over there . " The blonde pointed to the next block , one they hadn 't done yet . " I forgot until you left - she said something hit her roof last night . She thought maybe it had been a really aggressive squirrel throwing rocks from a tree or something . " The Meteorite Man and the amateurite took off running , Hankey and the hot blonde close behind . Count on Hankey to score every time . The kid was an asset . When they got to the house , the hot blonde 's friend already stood there with the front door open , silhouetted against the warm light from inside . When they got closer , they saw a giant redhead in a tight blue dress . Or no , actually , as they got closer still , they saw a man in a tight blue dress and barefoot . The Meteorite Man laughed out loud . Excellent ! Now Lenny could stop worrying about the episode , about what its hook would be . He would interview the drag queen , and leave the Meteorite Man alone . Hallelujah . The Meteorite Man hugged the drag queen in greeting and then gave her a big kiss on the cheek . " What time did I call you , Sugar ? " said the queen to the hot blonde , who didn 't seem to know the answer . They looked at each other quizzically for a moment . " Mmmm . . . . Maybe nine ? " said the queen . She then paused at the door to the attic , and flipped on the light in the stairwell . The Meteorite Man and Hankey had already begun to traipse up the steps , and suddenly saw ahead the illuminated wooden eaves of the low attic ceiling . Below , the amateurite was saying , " After you , Ma ' am . " When Lenny and Zane got to the top of the steps , they shined the powerful spotlight from the camera . And zow ! There it was , resting on top of a box marked Football trophies - a two or three gram dull black nugget with the characteristic thumbprints , the regmaglypts . Hankey picked it up and held in front of the Meteorite Man 's eyes for inspection . There were visible streamlines from the entry into Earth 's atmosphere , so there wasn 't even any point in wasting time with the diamond file and digging beneath the fusion crust to double check that it wasn 't just a rock . Jesus , the Meteorite Man 's whole scalp began to tingle like it might lift off and crawl down his face like a centipede - a feeling he hadn 't had in a long time . He and Hankey both shoved some boxes out of the way and examined the hole in the roof . Even though the hole was only about two inches in diameter , the wind whistled into it , and he could see the alarmingly fast movement of the clouds two miles up . The fragment had entered from a southeasterly direction . " I bet I can guess where the big boy is , " said the Meteorite Man , longitude lines triangulating in his head . The two of them hot - footed their way back down the stairs , fast as tap dancers , giggling all the while . Hankey moved faster , and the Meteorite Man tried to slow him by grabbing his backpack . The amateurite had regained his senses , and clomped down the stairs behind them . Just then , a red car swerved past them , tires screeching , and halted right in front , perpendicular to them like a police car ending a high speed chase . Alisso . He clambered out of the driver 's seat and trotted toward them , leaving his door wide open . Then he was rapping on the Meteorite 's window . He said : " You 're too late , Sparky . Check out this shit . " He held up a fist - sized meteorite , worth probably $ 5 , 000 . Alisso hadn 't seen the video or heard the boom , so he had no idea that the rock in his hand was not the big boy . It was all the Meteorite Man could do to keep himself from giggling again . He dared not look at Hankey . As the two of them trudged into the knee - high grass behind the school , Alisso shouted , " All you 're going to find out there is scrabble . " The Meteorite Man glanced over his shoulder and watched Alisso cup his hand up to his mouth so he could project better . " This guy , " he called , kissing the rock with a loud smack , " was two miles from here . You 're nowhere close ! " Barkley , who 'd done the polite thing and waited for Lenny , now ran to catch up , his face ashen in the bright light from Zane 's camera , which shone out onto the field . " I 'm so sorry , " he said . " I feel like this is all my fault . " If he craned his head around Barkley 's tree - like frame , he could see in the distance the silhouette of Alisso eating a Quiznos sub on the hood of the Meteorite Man 's rental car , the wrapper flapping in the wind so that he had to keep pulling it out of his mouth . There would be mustard and mayonnaise smeared on the paint job . He would leave his trash on the Meteorite Man 's seat . It was how Alisso liked to celebrated his wins whenever he got the chance . His bald head shone under the streetlight , and he was jabbering away on the phone as he ate , undoubtedly to Marianne . The Meteorite Man hated to admit to himself how comforting this was - the predictability of Alisso and also the fact that Marianne was still tied to his life , albeit indirectly . The wind carried Alisso 's weedy voice . " I 'm taking you to Vegas , " he was saying now . " Okay , well then , someplace else . Tell me where you want to go . " It had never occurred to the Meteorite Man to take Marianne anywhere when they were married . He 'd hardly ever gone home between hunts - unlike Alisso . It was nice to think that she had that now , that she wasn 't lonely like before . The streetlight way out in front of the school , beyond where Alisso lounged , cast his rival in backlit shadow . The faint warm light delineated the dark outline of his body , charted the wide arc of his beer belly . The Meteorite Man experienced a kind of double vision - he could see Alisso as he was now and also as he 'd been at Hankey 's age . Long hair in a ponytail , a baby face that wouldn 't grow a beard . Still chubby , of course , but less so - wide across the chest instead of across the midsection . They 'd both been interns for Quentin McCarthy , the best meteorite hunter of his day , before the advent of the big magnets . The Meteorite Man had played second fiddle to Alisso for the better part of a year , supplying calculations and priming Quentin McCarthy 's gear while Alisso trotted out front like an overfed hunting dog and retrieved the prizes . Alisso had been there in the office when the Meteorite Man had first asked out Marianne , McCarthy 's indispensible administrative assistant . " You bastard , " Alisso had said later , in the lab . " You knew I was going to ask her . " His baby face , those large brown eyes , looked shocked , as if the Meteorite Man had refused to carry the crew 's gear as he normally did or had failed to relinquish the last sandwich and go hungry . In fact , the Meteorite Man had not known about Alisso 's designs on Marianne , but he did know one thing . Alisso 's jealousy , the way the Meteorite Man suddenly mattered , had been exhilarating - almost as good as the first time he 'd held that meteorite fragment in his hand when he was twelve , a fragment he 'd made his mother take him to see the following night on a display table outside the fire station . Closing his fingers tightly around it , stretching his arm toward the sky as if his fist were the moon , it had been as if the knobby chunk of iron might awaken like a rocket to propel itself home , as if it might take him with it . Hankey had trudged ahead off to the right with his own flashlight and the magnetic wand , which resembled a walking stick . The amateurite shadowed Hankey , pointing at chunks of asphalt nestled in the grass , saying , " What 's that ? " If you didn 't know , you 'd think the two of them were a couple searching for seashells on a beach . The Meteorite Man paused then to straighten his back , stretching to one side and the other , hands on his hips . He massaged his neck , studying the clouds which had grown into cumulonimbus , had sunk lower in the sky . He turned his head as far as he could one way and then the other , trying to make his vertebrae pop . It was then that his eyes fixed on the abandoned school bus farther out in the weeds . And they registered the completely shattered windshield , fresh glass on the snub - nosed yellow hood . But he did not shout out , as he imagined he would . He did not crow . A meteorite of that size . One that had landed within the shelter of a bus instead of on the ground . Well , its value was beyond even his own calculations . But he did not speak . The light feeling inside his chest swelled like helium against his breastbone , and it felt like hope - the hope that if he stood very still , if he did not yet go over and tap Lenny 's shoulder and quietly wave him toward the bus , the earth would cease its relentless rotation . Nothing would change . Not a single thing . Probably if you 'd been standing in this field , you would have heard the sonic boom , like a boulder pounding on the sky 's door , and half a minute later you would have heard the rock 's first experience of air , the sound of friction , that whooshing overhead , above the fireflies , and then finally the crash through the bus glass . But if the Meteorite Man could choose between being here last night to witness that miracle of the heavens or being here tonight - he 'd choose this moment , this miracle , right now . His twenty - four hours were almost up . 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Inside we are all a little mad . . . some just more than others . Life will sometimes just introduce us to the strangest , randomest thoughts ! These are mine ! Halloween is usually one of my favorite holidays . We have spent countless years throwing killer parties and dressing up . It was fun coming up with cool costumes and exploring through all the scary decorations . My favorite part was all the crazy , creepy , gross recipes I would make every single year . Well this year - I am not in the mood . I didn 't even put out a single decoration . I waited until the last minute to get my kids costumes and the only reason I have a costume is because my husband kind of insisted . My husband on the other hand , well he went all out . The decorations - well that is just a shame . You see we have boxes upon boxes of decorations because of all the parties we have thrown . These aren 't just small decorations either . They are floating heads in balls and zombies that tear off their heads and dead zombie pirates in cages . There are also a few traditional ones like cobwebs and little ceramic pumpkins . But we have never been known to do anything simple . When we do something . . . we go all out ! This year , we didn 't even make it to the pumpkin patch to pick out pumpkins which means we also didn 't get a chance to carve the pumpkins either . So much for decorations ! The kids costumes still turned out cute . However , we went late . Nice for the wallets , not so nice if you are picky about what you wanted to be . Luckily , my kids are still young enough that they don 't care . And this is still easier than trying to come up with my own costume idea . Some of those end up costing just as much . And the make - up I have to do this year , is minimal . ( With the exception of my husband ! ) Like I said , he goes all out . Last night he spent the better part of an hour shaving his legs and his armpits . He also shaved off his goatee that he has been sporting for just about 3 years . I have never seen a female so unattractive ! But I give him props , because there probably isn 't too many men secure enough to actually go as Sookie Stackhouse from the True Blood series . I hope he wins first place at work today . If anything - he deserves the win purely for going all out . Not to mention - it is funny ! Overall , today just seems like any other day , just busier than usual . Without all the Halloween decorations up - I just don 't seem to be in the mood . I took my son to Storytime and they were all dressed up and they read Halloween themed books and even did trick or treating . I plan on leaving shortly after I get my girls from school to do something Halloween like at the mall . But mostly , I am really just hiding from the Trick or Treaters . Why ? Because I am the witch without the candy . That is right , not only am I all bah - humbug about the holiday , but I am being selfish . I am all about the take and not about the give today . . . well at least when it comes to the candy . Let me explain myself ? My kids are young yet and my husband and I take them out trick or treating . We don 't designate one person or the other to stay home and hand out candy . We go out trick or treating as a family . I want to see my kids experience it and so does he . . . although I bet he actually enjoys showing off his costume ! Therefore , because we take our kids out trick or treating and we aren 't home , we don 't invest in the candy . When we come back , we will use some of the candy from our kids trick or treating to hand out to other kids that straggle behind . But mostly , we have candy for months and months after the holiday . I just can 't see spending money on more candy that could eventually end up in the garbage . So obviously I am not in the Holiday spirit this year . I wonder what that means for Christmas . Since we aren 't even gonna be home , I am already thinking it isn 't worth it to put up all the decorations . Oh well , I guess I will start thinking about that tomorrow - after Halloween ! Now we have been to Vegas a handful of times already . Half of these times were with kids so we weren 't really able to enjoy the lifestyle Vegas has to offer , and I am not referring to gambling . This time we were going to live it up . I even went out and bought a fancy black dress to go along with these amazing sparkly shoes I absolutely had to have , and I probably won 't have many opportunities to wear in the future . Now anybody that knows me , knows I am not usually a girly girl when it comes to dresses . I just feel awkward in them . However when it comes to shoes , that is a whole different story . I have a pretty decent collection . And besides , even if I religiously wear my workout shoes and flip flops , it is nice to know I have a choice of shoes if I ever need them , which is rare . After all , I am a stay at home mom and it seems crazy to be scrubbing floors and doing laundry in high heels ! If you know me , you also know that I am incredibly stubborn . That being said , these shoes I choose to wear walking the Vegas Strip were not worn for more than 20 minutes prior to our trip to Vegas . Yet , I was determined to wear them most of the night . ( I did play it smart and used a rather large purse to carry my flip flops just in case ! ) Not even 20 minutes after putting them on , my heels were already bleeding . I mean - we barely made it out of the hotel room . I did the smart thing and bandaged them up with a few band - aids I luckily remembered to pack along . Ok - so I actually suspected that this was going to happen which is why I was prepared . I even took a break and wore my flip flops for a bit but eventually put the shoes back on . What can I say - they made me feel like a rock star . ( Not to mention I got so many compliments by complete strangers . They were definitely stroking my ego ! ) And how many times have I heard the phrase " Beauty is Pain ! " By the time we got back to the room and I was able to take my shoes off , I could feel the burn of skin , or lack of skin , that had been rubbed off . I couldn 't tell if I was barely able to walk because of my injury or just from not being used to wearing heels for long periods of time . What I ended up with was some really severe blisters that broke on my heels making it nearly impossible to wear any shoes other than flip flops for the next two weeks . Needless to say , my injuries put my workouts to a dramatic halt . Usually I do some pretty intense programs . Initially it was to get in shape and lose weight , but now it has been more because I just enjoy working out . That , and it keeps my attitude in check . So today , I was sick of being the moody bear and with my heels healed , I was ready to get my workout shoes on and brave my workout . I threw in TurboFire and got my sweat on . Now I will admit , TurboFire is a pretty hardcore workout anyway . The fact that I haven 't been working out for almost two weeks didn 't really help my situation . I almost died . So far so good though . I did make it through and my heals are feeling fine . I am not even sore yet , but I am sure tomorrow will be a different story . I will even admit that being away from my workouts for 2 weeks was also a stump on my motivation . It was hard to push play and knock it out . Even after 10 minutes , I started having those negative thoughts again telling myself I couldn 't do this and I should stop . I didn 't stop though - I am stubborn and I have pushed through much harder when I was in worse shape . It just amazes me how easy it is to lose your groove . Overall , I would like to say there was some kind of lesson learned in this . . . but really that is not the case . If I had to do it all over again , I would wear the shoes . I guess Beauty is Pain - whether it is due to the obsessive workouts ( or getting back into the habit of working out again ! ) or wearing the perfectly painful shoes ! This past weekend I got a chance to go with a friend to see the Bands of America Championships . Her son is in the High School Marching Band and they were taking part in the competition . Being a former marching band geek , I love being on the other side and watching this . I sat there and listened to these bands . These students were really good , and the show they put on would tell a story , all through their music and their marching steps . It was amazing . In fact , these kids were really , really good . Now , as a person with somewhat of a musical background , I have always enjoyed a wide variety of music . When I had kids , I also tried to expose them to the different kinds of music as well . Classical music , even with no words , has the ability to tell a story that only your imagination can come up with . For that reason , I really love that genre . My kids have also grown to love the stories that music can tell as well . When we first moved into our house last year , we set up my keyboard in hopes it would eventually become used instead of collecting dust in a closet . Well , without knowing how to play the piano , I would often catch them playing the songs on the keyboard and dancing to them . Writing can be hard work . . . in fact it can be downrightstressful at times . As a writer , we all have issues when it comes to ideas . Sometimes we just can 't get the ideas flowing and other times we just don 't have enough time to get all the ideas down on paper . It is a back and forth situation that can leave us feeling stressed and overwhelmed . When I started writing online , I focused on it being a hobby . I didn 't have deadlines and I didn 't have anything in particular that I really needed to get done . I wrote by nobody 's rules . However , once I realized I was working for pennies to the dollar , I started wondering why I was even doing it . After all , it is truly sad to realize that most freelance writer 's can 't survive off the writing . So I started stressing and realized , I really wanted to contribute more than just the written word . I wanted to pay bills . So I started brainstorming . Everything I did I wondered how I could turn into an article to make some extra cash . Then I realized with all of these ideas , I suddenly couldn 't motivate myself at all to do anything . I became stressed and I needed to stop . After all , this job wasn 't paying the bills . This situation has happened on more than a few occasions . And I am sure many other writer 's can also relate . The problem is , what do we do about it ? As writer 's we are always trying to find new ways to spread our work and make extra money . If you haven 't figured out by now - that means we are spreading ourselves thin . So what do we do ? Do we write online blogs that pay pennies , do we find a hosting site that will take our written articles for dimes ; or do we find contract jobs that will pay dollars ? Or do we take it one step further and try to write that best - selling book ? Well , while a break might be necessary , it isn 't necessarily the case . That means we have to set priorities . We have to know what are true passion is . If we aren 't making bundles of money ( or if the money isn 't needed to pay the bills ) then it is time to find what you are most passionate about . The last time I had this issue where I found I was unable to write , I opened this blog . Suddenly all the ideas started coming back to me . I could write and I have written , almost every single day . The other sites , while I still participate , have no longer been my top priority . In addition , I have decided to allocate some of my time to writing a book . The reason - because in the long run , I hope those are the things people will remember me by . If I publish a book - I will be an author . Maybe I can get my name out there so people will say , " Hey did you read that last book put out by Stacy ? I couldn 't put it down ! " Or my blog , because I have created a space that is a place for nothing more than stuff floating around in my head . So for me , it is about setting priorities . What is going to make me the happiest in the long run . Sure , the pennies and dimes and dollars do add up . But once I spend it on that donut , in years from now it will be forgotten about . So , while I may not be running at the front for the whole world to see right now , I am working hard to get there . And if all else fails and I get overwhelmed , it is important to know that there is always tomorrow and that I have the option of taking a break . As a writer - sometimes it is hard to think about those kind of things because we just want to get what we say out there ! I know , I know . I am a woman and this is something that most of us know how to do naturally . Well , I do . . . kind of . . . but flaunting naturally and actually telling a person how to do it are two completely different worlds . So , as any other smart writer would do , I did research . I searched Google for ways to " Flaunt Your Boobs " and believe me , the stuff that comes up is interesting to say at least . I just remember keeping my fingers crossed , hoping I don 't get some virus while I am doing research . I even asked my husband for some ways he may have noticed woman using to flaunt their goods . Yet , sadly , when your asking a man about boobs , they become really distracted . And needless to say , he really didn 't give me any material to work with . P . S . I have come to realize that all my Vlogs resemble " Pop - up Video " from VH1 . I kind of like that effect even if it takes me forever to edit everything ! Seriously though , this is the second time I have watched the movie and I have to say , I don 't know what all the commotion is about . Do I think it is a good movie ? Yes . But not to the point where I am falling over and drooling . And it is definitely not soft porn . ( Don 't get me wrong - it isn 't that I wish it was ! ) But I hear all these women talking about this movie and getting excited . And I hear all these men who are shying away from the movie afraid there going to see something they would rather not . Let me tell you - that is not the case . " I forgot to pick up my body wash when I went the other day and I am almost out . Can you get me some more . Something fruity . I am sick of borrowing yours ! " So my husband , being the sweet guy he is , stopped at the store on his way home from work and picked up the movie and my body wash . To me , there is one main reason I wanted this movie . I wanted to see the unrated version . After all the talk about this movie before it came to theaters , I was expecting to see something , and frankly , it showed nothing more than eye candy . So I wanted to see ( Ok - so I am looking like a pervert here ! ) if these top notch actors really bared it all . Not to mention , maybe my husband could use some tutorials on his dance moves . He totally dances like a white boy who stepped in gum . When he got home , he pulled the movie and my girly , fruity body wash from a bag . While he handed it too me , he just stood there shaking his head . I looked at him and smiled . " If anything , that would have probably made you look less gay . At least then the checkout person would have known you were buying it for a PMSing woman ! Did you have a guy check you out or a woman ? " So last night , my husband and I watched this movie . A part of me kept wanting to reassure him that this really wasn 't a bad movie ; it wasn 't even close to going to a strip club . But I don 't know why I have to justify it . The plot behind the movie was good . And frankly , the dancing was good too . Not because they were taking off their clothes but frankly , any man who can dance and sing definitely has my attention . P . S . Be forewarned . . . now that I mentioned it , my husband will probably take any and all opportunities to dance and sing to me . The last time I made a comment , something about him farting and scratching himself , he has made a point to make what I said a reality . If I happen to catch his singing and dancing on tape , I will broadcast it to the world to be seen ! Today however , I took a step in a new direction . I have committed to a task that , I would be lying if I didn 't say it , I am a little nervous about . I decided it is time to sit down and finish my book . For those who know me , I am a Libra and I take the character traits of being a Libra pretty darn seriously . That means every time I make a decision , I weigh everything over and over again so I know when the time comes , I have made the best possible decision with no regrets . About a month ago , the topic of writing books came up in a group of writers I belong to . You see , November is National Novel Writing Month and during that time , you spend 30 days writing without abandon to see if you can hit 50 , 000 words or finish your novel . I was intrigued , but wasn 't sure if I wanted to commit just yet . Then yesterday as I was cleaning , I was sorting through the newspaper so I could get it off my counter and into the recycle bin . Naturally , I can 't just throw it away , so I read the parts that were interesting and grabbed the coupons . This is when I saw my horoscope . Now sure , I realize you shouldn 't base your life off of what is said in your horoscope . However , I do still read my horoscope because I think they are interesting . . . more so than the actual news stories . This is the part that got me : Really ? How could I not take that as a sign ? Do you see " publishing opportunities " flashing me right in the face ? My first thoughts went to my book . And at the moment it was obvious to me what I had to do . I had to sign up for NaNoWriMo ! So what does this mean ? This mean it is time to stop talking and time to start taking action . I have signed up and I am committed . I was a little nervous ; I still am . But after looking at the site , I realize I don 't actually have to finish the book by November 30 , I just have to finish the story . I just need to write it out . The editing stage can come later . Which frankly was the part I was struggling with . I would write and then edit and rewrite . That is a never ending cycle where you will never get the story down . I just couldn 't finish the story . And now I was presented with NaNoWriMo where I waswondered how do I complete an entire manuscript in just 30 days . Well , obviously it can and has been done before . Now , it is my turn ! Now this book has been sitting in the depths of my mind for many years . In fact , I started writing it 4 years ago . Sadly though , I took a break . I started changing things and then I realized I hated my characters . So , the book has been scraped . Not the idea , just all the work I put into it in the past . Those I will consider notes . And now since I have been actively thinking about writing this book again , I have also figured out how it is going to end and come up with new character names . What can I say , I started off nervous and now I am just excited . So , if you are aspiring to write that book that has been floating around in your head , come join me . You can find me on my profile page on NaNoWriMo and we can help push each other through what I expect to be a fun month . I am so glad that it is Music Monday . You see , yesterday I swear I must have woke up on the wrong side of the bed and I have been humming , whistling , and even singing this song that has been stuck in my head all day . And then I woke up today - and it is still there ! Here is the funny thing though - I have only heard the song once in my entire life . Sure , it is a pretty popular song but I usually just listen to CDs or my Ipod so I don 't catch the new stuff . So when this exploded the charts and everybody was talking about it , I had to privately seek this song out to see what the big deal was ! And frankly , I didn 't really get it . I neither hated or loved the song . That was until yesterday . . . when suddenly I couldn 't get the song out of my head . Now I understand why people had such big reactions to it . It was catchy and contagious . And yes , while it will irritate some , you have to admit , it just has that beat that sticks in your head . And personally , I actually kind of like it . So here is the video " Call Me Maybe " not featuring the real Carly Rae Jepson , but Steve Kardynal in Chat Roulette . So , even if you don 't like the song , I think you will get a kick out of the video . Just check out some of the reactions of these people . I have watched it several times now ( I am doing research to see how long it takes to get out of my head ! ) and I can 't stop laughing . Hope you enjoy ! I met my husband the day after Valentine 's Day in 1999 . It didn 't take long until we were engaged and married . It was a short engagement because we were in the military , and there was always a chance one of us could be put on orders and moved without much notice . Our young minds thought marry fast - divorce later if it doesn 't work . Ok - so divorce wasn 't really on our mind . As young as we were , we believed love lasted forever . You know , the way we felt during our first relationship . . . and our second . . . . and . . . . yep . . . . love lasts forever . Well , we have already celebrated our 12 year anniversary so we are well on our way . We often joke that we have gone too far already and have too much time invested to throw in the towel now . So we are stuck with each other ! As a young woman , I was flirtatious and demanding . If you wanted my attention , you needed to work for it . And if you wanted me to stick around , you needed to show how much you loved me . It wasn 't that I was materialistic . . . just maybe a little insecure about relationships . I have had a few in the past . Some that lasted less than 24 hours and others were my heart had been pulled out of my chest and left to bleed to death . So , at the time I met my husband , I wasn 't in the mood for a relationship . I wanted to have fun and I wanted to be spoiled and I wanted nothing more than to feel wanted . This is were Sweetest Day comes in . My husband and I met in the Army . I am from Wisconsin and he was from California . Suddenly we are both shoved in New York . It took a lot of adjusting . Not only are the people different , the holidays apparently are as well . Sweetest Day has always been the 3rd Saturday in October and frankly , it is what can be coined a " Hallmark " Holiday , even though Hallmark didn 't have anything to do with it . This actually originated in Cleveland in 1921 , and at the time I was dating my husband , this was a holiday primarily celebrated in the Great Lakes Region . Gee - that includes Wisconsin and not California ! So , on that first 3rd Saturday that we were dating , my fiance showed up empty handed . I gave him the cold shoulder . How could he be so cruel ? Did I mean nothing to him ? It wasn 't as if I was asking for a dozen red roses or a box of candies . Just a little mention would have made me feel better . But nope , nothing . For all I remember , it was a typical night in my barracks room watching a movie while he farted and scratched himself . ( Ok - maybe that isn 't how it went , but can you tell I was mad ! ) So when he finally got out of me what was wrong , he gave me this strange look , almost as if I was making this holiday up as a practical joke . But I wasn 't , and I could prove it . It was even written on my calendar in the same type print that they write Yom Kippur Day and Columbus Day and Halloween and Christmas and all the other holidays as well . How could my calendar be wrong ? It was written in black and white right there staring at me . Yet , I found out the sad truth . Not everybody celebrates this holiday and not everybody has even heard of this holiday . I was in shock . But I still demanded to be treated special . After all , it only mattered that I celebrated this day ! It was a tradition from where I was from . And for the last 12 years since that first Sweetest Day when I found out he knew nothing of the holiday , I have ruthlessly reminded him of the holiday . And he has been good about not whining too much about celebrating a holiday he has never heard of ! Sure , you may be thinking this takes away the point of the holiday . Now you are forcing him to show his love , and that is something he should do on his own without being told . You may even be wondering what I am doing in return for him on this holiday . ( But that is a topic that will take a whole different blog . Like Valentine 's Day , this is for the girls . Get over it ! ) Or you too may have never even heard of this holiday , so you might think I am being downright ridiculous . But I wanted him to celebrate the holiday . To me it was like saying don 't celebrate Valentine 's Day because you should show the people you love that you love them everyday , not just because it was a holiday ! But I wanted the holiday ! And then there was today . Today I forgot it was Sweetest Day . I haven 't been hinting at it at all . In fact , I didn 't even realize it was Sweetest Day until I woke up and checked Facebook and someone else . . . from Wisconsin . . . mentioned Sweetest Day . Having one of the parents stay home is a sacrifice for everybody involved . Finances are tighter , there is less family time , and one spouse may be stuck working two jobs just to make ends meet . In 2011 , my husband was working two jobs for most of it and at other times it was just really bad hours . Unfortunately , because we only had one car , this often times made it difficult being the stay at home parent . We had to plan for everything because he almost always had the car . If I needed it , I would have to drop him off at work . Yeah - at times it sucked and it really brought a whole new meaning to " Stay at Home " since without wheels , it was hard to get anywhere ! Today for Flashback Friday , I wanted to feature something I wrote back then called Sleepy Head . Often times I dabble in poetry and during this time , I did it just to attempt to stay awake . It was times like this , when I needed the car , that I would have to make sacrifices , like staying up way past my bedtime to pick him up from work . On normal days , this wouldn 't bother me . Since we were staying with his parents at the time , I didn 't have to disturb the kids . And usually , when he worked late , I stayed up late and wrote . This particular time , I was pretty sleepy and I was struggling to stay awake . Yet , while I may sound like I am whining , I really just want to thank my husband for working so hard for our family . If it wasn 't for his willingness to work two jobs or work bad hours , I would have had to rejoin the work force . For anybody that knows me , rejoining the work force wouldn 't have been an issue . What was the issue is I am a workaholic and my job also had bad hours . I worked a lot of nights and weekends . It was the needs of the trade . I had to be available to cut hair when people needed their haircut , and frankly that isn 't something that always gets done between the hours of 9 to 5 . While I was working , I missed a lot . I missed first steps , I missed school programs , and mostly I just missed time . When I got home the kids would be heading to bed . Sure , I would see them in the morning , but it was just to send them off to school . While most families had the entire weekend , sometimes I would have to work . And frankly , that is life . I can 't complain because I loved my job and I loved my clients . My life became my job and family was falling to the sidelines . So , making the move to stay home was a big decision and not one I have regretted . However , the decision came with sacrifices . My husband had to pick up the slack and that meant long hours and odd hours of work for him . Yet , when the reality gets you down , it doesn 't hurt to have poetry to make situations a little lighter . So check out this piece that I wrote in the past . Times have changed , but this piece sure brings back memories for me . And if anything , I am sure others can relate to feeling like a Sleepy Head just like I did ! Yesterday as I was wasting time on Facebook . . . I know , surprise surprise . . . the topic of Vlogs came up . For those of you not familiar with Vlogs , they are blogging but with a video . Now , I took that as a challenge . And what it comes down to is I have a hard time backing down from a challenge . So , I sat there and I did a lot of thinking . And while I originally thought , " There is no way in HELL I can do a Vlog ! " my mind suddenly switched gears and I thought , " With that being said , there is no way in HELL I can not do a Vlog ! " Did you ever get an idea stuck in your head and suddenly that is all you could think about . Well , that is what happened . So suddenly I thought it would be a great idea to do a Vlog about all the reasons why I shouldn 't do a Vlog . I even woke up at 3 a . m . this morning tossing around the excuses in my head . The solution : If I didn 't get this Vlog finished , there was a good chance I would not sleep again tonight . So here we have it . . . my very first VLOG ! Hope you enjoy ! I have to admit , the Vlog was actually pretty fun to do ! Who knows , maybe it is something that I will continue with . But for this time , I even dressed up for the occasion . After all , it is important to make a good first impression ! My son and I have gotten into a bit of a routine . Kind of odd considering I have always struggled with being on a schedule or even being organized . I am a " fly by the seat of my pants " kind of person . However , since we have been forced back into the school routine , my son started getting upset because he wasn 't allowed to go to school with his older sisters . What can I say - the kid is in a rush to grow up . So , when they brought back preschool Storytime at the Library , let 's just say I was a little more than thrilled . In fact , I convinced him this was " his school ! " Now , it really had nothing to do with the physical act of going to the library . After all , I don 't check out books because I have so many I have yet to finish reading . . . . and since my husband got me a Kindle Fire for my birthday . . . I have even less time to put towards reading a physical library book . But my son likes going and choosing a special book for us to sit down and read together afterwards . And Storytime with a craft afterwards - that is an added bonus . Last year I attempted to take him to Storytime and realized I was one of the bad parents . Ok - not really . But they say preschool Storytime is age appropriate for 3 years old and up . My son just turned 3 recently so we were a bit on the early side last year . However , I didn 't really understand the importance of the age because I thought getting your children in front of a book , at any age , was important . After all , it was about teaching them to love books and stories ! So today as we sat in Storytime , I realized how incredibly insane it was in that very tiny room ( and how grateful I was that I was not the one leading Storytime ! ) The noise level was through the roof and this was the library . I of course blame this on all the little kids under 3 . See - that is why there is an age limit ! ! But the lady reading the story was nearly shouting at the top of her lungs just to try and be heard . My mind was swimming and I am pretty sure if Storytime was much longer , I might have gone mad ! So there is a kid over here that keeps adding there two cents into the story . . . there is a kid of here crying . . . there is a kid of here throwing a fit and a mom threatening to leave . . . and a kid over here trying to do the craft early . . . then there is my kid who refuses to participate . My mind was just spinning . But finally , after a round of " The Wheels on the Bus " and " The Hokey Pokey " ( which my son refused to partake in as well ) , it was time to move on and do a craft . Now my little boy is pretty particular about his coloring . Just a couple weeks ago he actually yelled at another child for scribbling over their entire page . Yet today , it seemed the parents were more into the craft than the kids , as they had basically taken away the paper and were coloring it themselves ! I wonder if it is because they wanted to show off the craft project their child did ? And then I wondered , when did we demand perfection on coloring from our preschool children ? So while I watch everybody around me , my son is getting down and dirty and concentrating really hard . Suddenly out of nowhere he yelled , " Holy Crap ! " I think he colored outside of the lines . As the embarrassed parent of a swearing toddler I carefully looked around to assess the damage . Luckily , the noise level had yet to drop . Phew - I was safe and it was time to go . My son , well , he growled at me and sat firmly glued to his chair when I encouraged him to participate . I am pretty sure those kids were thinking , " Who comes up with these songs ! " And then when it came to craft time , the parents were the ones doing the coloring . I wonder why ? This is a preschool craft after all and before they learn to be an artist , they need to learn to scribble . So , even though I will continue to take my child to Storytime , I realize this needs to be more about him . The more I bring him , the more he will open up and start to interact . And frankly , he is proud of his scribbles that he brings home . For him , this is his school . And while I usually leave with a stress headache , this is just something we parents occasionally have to suffer through . . . and coloring our child 's pictures will not make it go any faster ! It seems like it has been forever since the Enough campaign was launched . It was started by a brilliant writer , blogger and friend who decided she didn 't like what society kept telling us , so on her blog Life according to Julie , she started this campaign after a photo of Maria Kang that just didn 't sit right with her . I of course jumped on board because I think it is a fabulous idea and frankly , society needs something - Something to change our perspectives on how we view ourselves . Life is all about how you view yourself . And frankly , there are far too many people who are not too nice when it comes to how they talk and treat themselves . Well , it is time to change that ! We need to look at ourselves in a different light . If we don 't like what we see , how can we possibly expect others to like what they see . Each one of us is different . Each of us has our own imperfections that make us who we are . The question is how do we view these imperfections . Do we love them or do we loathe them ? I have had to think long and hard about these very questions about myself . Mainly because I have always rode the weight loss rollercoaster and I have found regardless of where I get , I am still my hardest judge . Yet , I have two young daughters I have to look after and set a good example for . If they see me hating myself , then what are they going to follow ? When my husband and I decided it was time for me to stay home with the kids , I found I entered a whole different world . I was becoming the " frumpy housewife ! " I stopped caring how I was looking because frankly , the only ones who saw me were my husband and my kids . The longer I kept this up , the more miserable I felt . Because I was out of people 's eyes , I just didn 't feel the need to put any effort into myself . It was a trap . I was falling hard into the world of hating my own imperfections . Yet , I know I am not the only one who occasionally feels this way or gets stuck in this negative mental rut . I realized it doesn 't matter what others think ; it only matters what I think . When I got my day going with a good workout , took a shower and put on my makeup , the day just seemed better . When I just put on some frumpy comfy clothes , I didn 't feel motivated to get through the day . I needed to start the day off on the right foot ! I have always hid behind the excuse that I am not a girly - girl . There were clothes I would avoid in my closet because they were reserved for when I went out somewhere or people came to my house . Yet , I realized as I started dressing up a little more , even if no one would see me , that I felt good about myself . I wasn 't the frumpy housewife and I could still turn heads . In my frumpy clothes , I often doubted myself . It wasn 't what I looked like , but it was how I presented myself . And frankly , when you feel good about yourself , it isn 't hard to feel fabulous ! So get out there . . . put on your best clothes . . . do something to your hair . . . apply the mascara you save for special occasions . . . wear those high heels . . . anything . But present yourself the way you want to be viewed . After all , you are fabulous . Now we just need to start believing it ourselves ! This past week , my age has really shown through . I can almost guarantee my younger self could have handled it without taking a week to recover . Being 33 - well , it is like having the worst hangover , but not from the actually drinking . I am just worn out ! We went to Las Vegas for a night . We are pretty fortunate because it is a pretty short drive from were we live . So , we went up there for to meet some friends from home in Wisconsin . Well , we all know Vegas is the city that never sleeps . . . too many shows . . . too many lights . . . and the allure of the winnings on the slot machines ( I haven 't graduated to the hardcore gambling yet ! ) Needless to say - we stayed out late . We didn 't even think about closing our eyes until almost 6 a . m . and we were up by 9 . . . after all . . . there were things to do , part of which was driving back home after a night of partying on the strip in Vegas . Saturday night and all day Sunday - not even close to the recovery needed . Today - Monday - I woke up still exhausted . I am getting far too old for all this ! But hey - not to old that I forgot how to have fun ! Well , what happens when you have run out of life 's sugar ? If you go ahead with your plan to make lemonade , you will end up with some pretty sour lemonade . And we all know how appetizing sour lemonade is ! I remember long ago when I got my first cell phone . I was so excited . We were quick to jump on the new technology bandwagon . It wasn 't as if we were the first to get a cell phone . My grandparents had one before me . But their cell was the kind you attached to your car and only . . . and I do mean only . . . use for emergencies . You didn 't talk long and it nearly cost an arm and a leg . When I got mine , it was at the beginning of the trend . It was when it started to become the new toy . People had them so they could be reachable at all times . And we thought - isn 't that wonderful . Now that I have been a part of the population of cell phone owners , I realize how irritating cell phones really has become . Now everybody has a cell phone . Which isn 't the reason I hate cell phones . I could care less if I hear people talking on them in public . In fact , sometimes I find it interesting what they even say . I don 't even mind that the owners of cell phones keep getting younger and younger . Pretty soon they will hand you a cell before they cut the umbilical cord . Can you imagine ? Ok , so babies can 't talk so it wouldn 't really work like that ! But if it did it would be funny ! Now your laughing because you know you painted a picture in your mind of the baby and the cell phone ! The thing is , cell phones have made it so you are constantly available . Obviously you are busy if you call the house and get the answering machine . Now we carry our phones on us . So with that responsibility comes the necessity to be available . Yet - is that really the case ? Now for me personally , I hate talking on the phone . ( My teenage self would be beating me up right now for even thinking this ! ) I also know that any kind of " work " I do revolves around home . So that means I am pretty much always available . So when I hear my phone ring , I am usually quick to run to it and quick to respond . And if I am busy , you can expect an answer in a timely matter . I guess that is what makes me annoyed with this whole cell phone era - others don 't feel the same exact way or do the same exact thing . Now I am not suggesting you should be available 24 / 7 if you have a cell phone , but there are timelines when it comes to responding . Sure , you might not be available if you are at work . You might even miss a phone call if you have company ( and I applaud you for not taking it in their presence - that would be rude ! ) And it is also appropriate to sleep - us humans need to do that . So anybody that expects you to take a phone call during normal sleeping hours is being unrealistic . We also should touch on bathrooms . . . no need to answer there either . I can wait it out ! But seriously , we know you check your phone regularly . For most of us , the phone is just like another appendage . So why is it that phone calls never get returned in a timely matter , if they get returned at all ? How can you receive a text and not respond back to a question . While an immediate response might not always be necessary , it is just common courtesy to respond back . If you don 't , the other person might assume that their message was either never received , or that you are avoiding them ! Or maybe that getting back to them just isn 't a priority . It is just funny how cell phones really have changed the world these days . We can 't seem to leave the house without them for fear that an emergency will come up when we are out . Yet , even though we all have cell phones and they are usually on us 95 percent of the time , there are so many out there who are unavailable every single time you try to get a hold of them . Don 't you find this annoying too ? Last night for dinner I decided to make spaghetti . It wasn 't anything too complicated . I usually just brown some hamburger , add some sauce from a jar , and then boil some noodles . Then - Voila - a masterpiece right in front of you ! ! Watch out all you Chef shows . . . I am on my way ! ! Well yesterday was a little different . I only used one can of jar sauce and I used a lot - and I do mean a lot - of noodles . We were planning for leftovers . To top it off , I had a couple of tomatoes sitting in the fridge that needed to be used . So , to make the sauce go further , I decided to chop up those tomatoes and add them to the sauce . Naturally , this threw the taste off so I had to add extra spices and seasonings to make it taste brilliant . And that is what I did . So naturally , after a nice romantic dinner ( with three screaming kids ! ) we decided to veg out in front of the TV and watch a nice romantic movie . Ok - so we watched the 5 Year Engagement . Nothing says romance like waiting it out ! " Well , that does smell worse ! I bet it was all the garlic I used in the spaghetti . I had to tune out the really tomatoey taste from the fresh tomatoes ! " " Yeah , it was ! Spicy too . You could really tell I used those Red Pepper Flakes . And I didn 't even use that much . Not like the garlic ! I just dumped that in ! " Music has always been a big part of my life . I had choir in school for as long as I can remember , started band in the 5th grade and currently , since my daughter has showed an active interest in music , I have attempted to pick up playing the piano , the guitar , and now the flute . I guess you could say I enjoy music ! Yet , when it comes to my musical likes - you could probably say I can 't be grouped . I often hop from type to type without a blink of an eye . Although I will admit it is really funny when I am listening to my Ipod and someone who is unaware of my musical section is around notices the jump from Bohemian Rhapsody to the Mighty Mouse Theme song . Their looks are priceless ! So today , I present you with a song that makes me very happy . I found this song one day while cruising around YouTube . My kids will actually flock to it . My husband is annoyed by it . ( which makes this song even better in my mind ! ) And whenever my son is moody , I play this song and he instantly changes his attitude . My husband says it is because I listened to it daily when I was pregnant with him . Either way , my kids love it and they find comfort in it . So today as I was feeling sick , I too listened to it too . And while it can 't take away any of the ailments . . . I hope if you are ever having a " down " day , this gives you a little lift ! : ) I have a bit of a problem . I am kind of a digital hoarder . It isn 't that it has been a big problem , but since I have been actively writing online , I find I have a pretty decent collection of groups I belong to . Now , I am not saying belonging to these groups is a bad thing . I find so much support from these groups . But as of today , I realized I belonged to about 10 . A few of them weren 't active and some I didn 't even regularly stop by to see what was going on with . But mostly what I realized is because some are so similiar , I was getting the same post several times . It was overwhelming . I was missing alot of stuff that was going on my Facebook timeline . I realized I was " grouped " out . You see , what happens is I have been getting link bombarded . Too many groups will do that . So today I did something I find completely freeing . . . . Ok , so I didn 't leave all of them . These groups are fun and definitely serve a great purpose to get my creative wheels turning . What I realized is several of the groups have repeat members . What was happening is I saw there link here , there and everywhere . Now , I love to support other people and what they do , but all the links were getting lost and I was getting overwhelmed . And eventually , I just didn 't click on any of the links . Most people who know me , know I am obsessive about working out . I just love the feeling I get from it . Not only mentally , but physically as well . I feel strong overall . However , I didn 't really know how these new found muscles would react to every day normal situations until yesterday . . . Yesterday I sat there staring at my house . It wasn 't that it was horribly dirty . I had been keeping up with the clean up , I just haven 't had the want to really - and I mean really - clean . You know - the stuff you have to do but not every single day - dusting , mopping - you know - the extras ! The kids had been dropping crumbs and I am pretty sure I spied some nacho cheese smeared on the floor from last weekends party . It was time to get down and dirty . It didn 't take long . . . like I didn 't even get one whole section of the house mopped . . . I didn 't even get a chance to dunk the mop a second time . . . before I completely bent the mop in half ! This mop isn 't even that old . So it obviously wasn 't abused and worn out . It must be nothing more than I don 't know my own strength ! With a little less might , I attempted to mop the floor with the broken mop , but with no success . I wasn 't going to get the Nacho Cheese off the floor with a floppy mop . And the frugal side of me said there was no way I could dump the nice clean bucket of Pine Sol water . It would be a waste . Today was school picture day for my kids . So , on top of the normal getting ready tasks , I took the time out to beautify my two older daughters . ( Yes , there have been rare occasions when I notice them walking out of the front door with their hair looking less than brushed . Shameful since as a trade I am a hairstylist ! ) She is only 7 years old and already , she is talking about how important it is to look on the outside . I have the tools and techniques to make her beautiful . The fact is , she really is my fashion diva . To say she loves the way she looks is just touching the surface . I often times find her staring at herself in the mirror full of admiration . My oldest daughter also commented on her looks as I was doing her hair . Now I didn 't do anything fancy . I just straightened it so it looked neat and presentable . A far cry from what it looked like this morning after waking up with a bad case of bed head ! My daughters are getting to the age where they start looking at their outside looks . As a woman who has constantly struggled with my own self - image , I want to make sure they are on the right track . This is were the Enough . campaign has stepped in . I already knew the media was a big part of the problem for women loving who they are . So as a responsible parent , I want to teach my daughters what is right . I want my daughters to know they are beautiful on the inside as well as the outside . That it doesn 't matter if they are skinny or fat or whether their hair is curly or straight . I want them to love themselves for who they are . After all , they are starting to enter a very important time frame . A place when they start judging how they look on the outside , instead of what is truly important . The beauty on the inside . I know I am teaching my kids the right lessons just based off of our conversations . The other day , my daughter was talking about how her friend was getting teased at school . Her friend had been sick for a few days and when she came back , she had a fever blister on her lip . The other kids at school teased her about it and really made her feel self - conscious about how she looked . But my daughter told me not only did she stick up for her friend , but she also reassured her she was just as beautiful as she was the day before and will continue to be tomorrow . My daughter is only 10 years old , and I found not only did this melt my heart , but it also showed how truly mature my daughter is for such a young age . She stuck up for her friend . And she also realizes beauty on the outside is only skin deep . It is what is on the inside that truly counts ! Now that is a lesson some adults have yet to even learn ! I stand by this campaign because I truly believe it is important . As adults , we too need to learn this lesson of standing up and loving ourselves for all of our imperfections . But mostly , if we learn this lesson , we can also teach it to our children . What does that mean ? Our children will grow up stronger . They will learn to love themselves . And who knows , if we all learn to love ourselves a little more , it might even make it harder for bullies to attack us for our imperfections . Together we can make a big difference . After all , one person standing in the middle of the room might be difficult to hear , but if we all start shouting together , we WILL be noticed ! Are you ready to take the stand with us ? I really wanted to write about something else today , but I have a focus problem . The problem is , once I get something in my head , I can 't focus on anything else until it gets out of my head . And gas is on my mind today . This was amusing . What wasn 't amusing was what I noticed when I was leaving storytime . Luckily for me , my drive is a short distance from my house , otherwise I am sure what I would have saw would have irritated the shit out of me even more . That is right - I am talking about the gas prices . I already knew this was coming . I got an email alert yesterday stating that there was going to be an increase . But why ? I don 't follow the news much . I follow Mickey Mouse and occasionally Spongebob ! And frankly , after discussing it with my husband ( he pays attention to this crap ! ) , he said there really isn 't much of a reason . So obviously , we must be missing something . Gas prices here in Southern California have always been a little on the high side . It has always been expected . However what happened today put me in a state of shock . I had just gotten used to thinking cheap gas was around $ 4 a gallon . I am not comfortable with it and it definitely takes away from other parts of our budget . But today what I saw was beyond ridiculous . Cheap gas ( you know - the kind you get from smaller gas stations or those that give you a discount if you pay with cash ) was hovering around $ 4 . 07 when I left for storytime . Upon driving home , I noticed something . All these attendants were outside switching around the numbers . I couldn 't see the price yet . I was nervous . I could feel the tension building up . Then I saw it . Gas was at $ 4 . 70 a gallon at one gas station . I think I puked a little . The answer is no . What can we do ? If we take a day or a weekend and refuse to buy gas , supply and demand will eat us up and spit us out and probably cause an even steeper increase ! Yet it makes me wonder . How effective can high gas prices really be for helping out an economy that is already in the trash ? Suddenly people are able to do less because they can 't afford the gas . They won 't be able to go places other then work ; they are going to have to tighten their budgets . They are going to be forced to prioritize . What do you spend your money on ? Do you buy your kids a new pair of jeans because the old ones are too small ? Can you even afford to ? After all , you need to put gas in your car to get to work ! Last week as I was grocery shopping I saw significant increases in food . I am not talking chips and soda and garbage . I am talking necessities . Things to make a meal . Coffee to keep me sane . I am not even talking increases by the pennies . . . I am talking increases by the dollars . I felt sick as I realized how much money I spent on groceries that would barely last us a week . Yet there is nothing we can do about it . Sure , we can attempt to collect coupons , but unless we have extreme couponing down and a start of a stockpile , getting to the point of saving money with coupons will end up costing us money . I know - I tried ! I got a lot of paper goods , but I also got a lot of junk I didn 't need . And food - well , I found the generic is often times cheaper than buying name brand with a coupon . Got me no where except back at the beginning ! So where does this take us ? Nowhere . We can complain but do our voices really get heard ? What happens when the banks start bouncing and people can 't get to work ? Can you really call in and say , " No I am not sick - but I can 't put gas in my car ? " My husband has a drive to get back and forth to work . This increase will make a big dent in our budget . You may shrug it off as an additional 5 to 10 dollars each time you fill up , but if you have to quench the thirst of your car a couple times a week , this increase can get very pricey . Suddenly that extra 100 dollar bill is no longer going into savings . And what if the savings was the place that lost last time . What part of the budget do you steal the 100 bucks from . Do you skimp on your food budget ? Do you skimp on your bills and try to pay them late ? Do you stop having date nights with your significant other to save a few dollars ( but not your sanity ) ? Do you cut out everything that is considered an extra ( yes - this does include cable TV and the internet as well ! ) ? Has it really come down to the majority of us working just to get to work , not to actually enjoy life ? It angers me to even think about this . When I was a teenager , I knew that I could afford a car because it would only cost me $ 10 to fill the whole tank . Long gone are those days . What will happen when my daughter starts to drive ? I can 't imagine the part time work while going to school will fill the tank up by that time . Is anybody else getting that sick feeling thinking about this ? But what I do know is the rise in gas prices will end up pushing our economy lower and lower . Business will suffer when " extras " stop being bought ( or when employees can 't afford to get there ! ) Anything considered entertainment will be out of the question . No business . . . . higher unemployment . I am not into politics but I can 't imagine this is a good way to ensure re - election come November ! Note : I am not a political person so if this in anyway " fires " you up to start a political rant , keep it polite . This is not meant to be a topic about presidential elections or debate on who should be in office . It is nothing more than an observation based off of the gas prices and wondering how we - because we are all affected - will be able to continue to get by ! The gas price I saw was $ 4 . 70 a gallon , however there were others I saw cheaper . I am sure as the gas prices spike around us , the prices will start evening out so there isn 't big differences from station to station . The average around my area as I write this seems to be about $ 4 . 50 . Posted by It is hard to believe it is already October . This year has really just flown by . Honestly , it has been busy , but I am not really sure the reason for that . Yet , as we head into October , I realized I have hit a milestone . I have been working on my blog , Ramblings of an Undiagnosed Mad Woman , for about a month now . Now , as a writer , I count my milestones because this is really just a hobby . I say hobby because I would really love to count something bigger than pennies . But counting pennies gets depressing so I have decided to count milestones instead . Therefore . . . here is my first milestone - One Month Into The Blogosphere ! So you might be wondering why this is such an important milestone ! For me , it is because I have been trying to open this blog for a few years already . I know - it is amazing how long it actually took me . I wrote a few random articles when I first found out writing online was even an option . ( And yes - I never even really considered opening a blog at the time ! ) So I just titled a few of my articles with the Ramblings headline . I figured I wanted to have a good selection of writings I could ramble about before I opened the official blog . So what happened ? My planning happened . I could never brainstorm enough ideas so I just go lost into the digital world of writing whatever I wanted on Xomba and Hubpages . In fact , I completely forgot about the blog . That is until about a month ago . I was feeling the pressure to be evergreen . I was feeling the pressure of being judged on what I was writing and internet bots not thinking they were good enough . So , my creativity took a nosedive and I got struck with a very bad case of Writer 's Block . I don 't even know why I did it . Maybe I was just playing around with the idea ; maybe it was supposed to be fate . I was doing my research and I accidentally created the blog . You are probably thinking how do you accidentally do something you have been trying to do for years ? Don 't ask - I haven 't figured that out yet ! Blogging is a hard business . I came from writing on a very busy platform to blogging . I am fortunate though because in knowing writers already , I already had a bit of a support group . I don 't know if I would want to keep writing here if I thought I was writing to nobody . Yet , the idea of writing to nobody also has some appeal . I know I have a smaller audience on Blogger so I am not afraid of any topic yet . I guess because I know I have less people to piss off ! Labels ! I know in the writing world we help people find us by using keywords . For the life of me , I couldn 't figure out how I could drive people to my blog unless I spammed both my twitter and facebook accounts . Duh - labels are the same thing ! Glad I figured that out relatively quick ! Now I just need to get myself to care more about Search Engine Optimization ! Pages are your friend . Even though I am about a month into this , I am still learning how to arrange things and get my page exactly how I like it . One day I actually hope to buy my domain name . Until then , I am still learning the road . Today , I figured out , with help from blogger friend Julie DeNeen of Life According to Julie , how to make a separate page for my " About Me " section . Now I have been seeing all these tabs on top of other blogs and for the life of me I couldn 't figure out how to do it . I must say , it is definitely nice to have a friend to help you with the beginning ropes . My next step is to use this Pages thing and get my blog organized . Better to do it now than when I have a million things floating around aimlessly ! Blogging is a freedom . I was feeling the pressure to write before and since I started blogging , that pressure has completely decreased . I am in love with writing again ! I am finding my passion all over again . Why - because I don 't have to follow a pattern . This blog is nothing more than what I want . After all , it is my ramblings . Some of it might be on things my kids do and others might just be my deep thoughts . ( Those moments when you ask the strange question - like who has the worse fate - Raisins , Grapes or Wine ! ) As a writer it is important to be able to have milestones to hit . After all , if we went through life without ever setting goals and hitting them , we would eventually get bored and lose our passion . What would happen then ? So keep track of your successes and keep moving forward . So , what kind of milestones have you hit recently ? |
Loss Through the Looking Glass is a shared blog created by three bereaved mothers who wanted to share their experiences of life after loss . The blog also plays host to bereaved parents who have found their voice but not yet the place to share it . Tuesday , 28 July 2015 Our baby , real life baby , had 80 % chance of survival , she died . Now I know it 's not real , but I used to enjoy it , now I can 't see past it . I miss watching it , the fairy tale ending of eternity . We visited a local petting farm open day in September . It was a lovely day , though I was anxiously trying to avoid touching any animals and hand washing to OCD levels . While there , we saw a man making objects from weaving willow . Without knowing I was pregnant he made a baby 's rattle and gave it to me . I also made a corn dolly - symbol of fertility . They became my good luck and were tucked up safely on Gabriel 's shelf . Of course it goes without saying that the rainbow journey is an emotional one . The inner turmoil of ' what if it all happens again ? ' is never far away . I just felt so detached I had to force myself to buy baby clothes and took 6 weeks to pack the hospital bag . Whilst I breathed a little easier after reaching certain milestones , I don 't think I really felt certain that we 'd be bring a baby home until he was in my arms . Then there are the little digs made by others . The hints that of course , everything will be fine now , because a ' replacement child ' will surely make everything right . And there are all the usual antenatal appointments that are now far from that . That innocence of pregnancy before loss now robbed . It 's not usual to cry before going for an ultrasound scan , but when you 've heard those awful words ' I can 't find a heartbeat ' each and every scan was met with trepidation and held breath until a heartbeat was found . I really do think that across the board , maternity services need to be much more aware of and sympathetic to the struggles of a rainbow pregnancy . From the stupid small talk of ' is this your first ? ' Have you taken a moment to read my notes ? Did you not see the large count the kicks loss sticker I put right beside my name ? To being told that my concerns about things that had previously happened at the time of Gabriel 's birth , that should have happened to no woman , being dismissed as ' irrational ' as they ' just don 't usually happen ' ! Err . . . hello ? They happened to me ! How do I say ' you 'll never get a sensible bp reading off me in that room , because of what happened previously ' ? Being kept waiting in triage for a ctg bringing on the tears , and when asked to explain why , being told ' Well , it 's best not to think about it ' . Really ? Are you for real ? However , in my case it was my loss of innocence I think that saved my rainbow baby this time . I kept the pressure on my consultant to not let me go over my due date . This resulted in several failed sweeps , which in turn led to a scan the day after my due date to check my fluid levels , placenta function and baby 's head position . As the sonographer placed her probe at the top of my bump , ' Well , there 's the head ! ' she said . My previously supposedly head down baby was now footling breech . This triggered a whole new birth plan . I was kept in for monitoring of my raised bp and plus protein , while they tried to get me on an elcs list - no mean feat the week before the Easter weekend . A sudden feeling of relief oddly as this meant a whole different birth form Gabriel 's . No fighting to get past the mw on the phone , or the woman in the desk at the ward . No sitting in triage ! Small things , but they 'd been massive concerns . Today , my little rainbow isn 't so little . He 's rapidly approaching 4 months already . His babyhood is passing by far too quickly and I 'm fighting against accepting the reality that he probably will be my last baby . I 'm not a young parent and I 've had truly awful SPD with all three pregnancies . I just don 't think I can put me or my family through it again . And yet , I 'd really love another . I 'd love another baby . I 'd love a little girl . I 'd love . . . . But there 's also the feeling that it wouldn 't matter how many children I had : there 'll always be one missing and so our family will just never feel complete . Once again I 'm wrapping birthday presents and feeling blessed . How many children do I have ? I have three - I have my Sunshine , my Angel and my Rainbow . I consider myself a very lucky mummy to have each of these three . Jennifer : Right Where I Am 2015 : 6 weeks Today I got out of bed just before midday , which isn 't too bad for me at the moment . I don 't feel any need to get up , whats the point ? It 's been 6 weeks since I gave birth to my precious , perfect sleeping beauty Beth at 39 + 3 weeks . She is my first born , my little lady I had been keeping comfortable and safe for 39 weeks . My little angel who liked bath times where I played her my cheesy music in exchange for her kung fu kicks , my little plum who I told stories to and whose nursery was filled to bursting with all the little dresses , baby grows and items I would need to keep her warm and happy , and bath stuff that would make her smell delicious enough to eat . I couldn 't wait to meet her . I was scared though . I am 30 and work as a paediatric nurse , so I knew how sick and poorly babies could potentially be . Even if I had to stay awake for the first week or so I would make sure she was safe and watch her every breath . That was my plan . But all that changed . I went in with reduced movements at exactly 39 weeks . . Beth was more of an evening wriggler , whilst I was watching TV she would let me know she was there . But that evening my partner and I tried all we could and she would not move , so we called and went to labour ward as advised . I thought my girl was quiet as it might be the start of labour or maybe she had turned or something . I had a scan and was told her heart had stopped beating . . I 'm sure mine did too at that moment . I wanted my baby out there and then . . . Maybe they could resuscitate her , I could help . But no . She was gone . There was nothing , no pain no bleeding . . . Just reduced movements and it was already too late . The hospital was only 5 mins from us I couldn 't have got there any quicker . A few days later I did it , I gave birth to my baby , my daughter , my Beth . One of the many worse days of my life but also one of the happiest . I finally got to meet her . To see her . Her beauty was astounding . Family and friends came to see her and said how much she looked like her daddy and how stunning she was . We stayed with her for 2 days , it would never be enough . Fast forward and here I am 6 weeks later . We have an album full of pictures , two picture frames hung in the living room , three picture frames on the sideboard and three canvasses above our bed . We have a memory box and Beth 's ashes . Her body home at last . I take her ashes up to bed with me every night , I promised her I 'd never leave her alone again at night . I had her for all of her life and she will have me for the rest of mine . The crying continues everyday , the sadness , taking over my whole body at any given moment . I try and stop these tears but I can 't . I can 't control the endless grief that has consumed my life . The endless forums and groups I 've joined are now my life . Like many bereaved mums have said … A part of me died with Beth . I want to tell all these expectant mums to be careful - they might not get to take their baby home - not to get too happy . I can 't see anything positive ever happening . I want to scream and shout , I want people to ask if I have children so I can say yes and tell them about Beth . I want everyone to know she was here and she will always be my life and my baby but I will never hold her again . I will never hold my Beth , her body is gone . I still can 't accept it . I still don 't want to believe it I wish I could be with her . I would swap places anytime if it was possible . I was always scared of death , but now if that means I 'll be with my baby then I 'm not scared . To hear Beth laugh or cry , to see her eyes open and to watch her grow is all I want . I just want to be normal again . I want to change the past . I want Beth alive and snuggled into me . I want to kiss her nose and her cheeks and never let her go . I want her body to be warm against mine and her cheeks rosy and pink . I want her so badly . As I 'm writing this it 's been 14 weeks and 1 day since I lost my daughter , Esmae . I 'm sure it 's the same for everyone , but I shouldn 't be here right now . I should be on maternity leave getting ready for my baby 's arrival . It wasn 't supposed to be like this . It 's as if everyone else around us has moved on and has already forgotten about our little girl . Meanwhile those who were pregnant alongside us are still the centre of attention . But that 's just life I suppose . I seem to be moving forward through my grief much quicker than last time . You see it 's been 1 year , 11 months and 18 days since I lost my son , Hunter . Three months on from losing Hunter we still didn 't quite believe what had happened , we still don 't believe what happened with Esmae , but it 's different this time . Grief doesn 't have a set path you can follow . You just take each day as it comes and you have to accept there will be some really dark days , when you feel as if everything has just hit you all over again . There will be good days too however , and you need to learn not to feel guilty about having a good day . This time round my grief hasn 't taken me on the same path , but it 's a familiar one , it 's easier to navigate . I 'm not suggesting for a second losing my daughter has been easier than losing my son , in many ways I feel more cheated this time . What I mean is I generally do find it easier to get through each day , to find my way . I think this is true only because I know better how to cope . I 've been learning how to cope each day for almost two years now , but at least this time around I already know how I 'm feeling is ' normal ' . The new ' normal ' . In all honesty I don 't remember what it feels like to be the old me . I 'm not the person I was two years ago , I 'm not the person I was fifteen weeks ago , before I found out my pregnancy would not go full term . I sometimes feel I 'm just a shell of the person I used to be . I 'm nearly always anxious about the most stupid of things , I 've become extremely paranoid and I have lost nearly all my confidence . I know my limits , I know what I can and cannot manage . There are times though when I think I 'm being silly by not being able to lead a full and ' normal ' life - going shopping in town on a whim , being around large groups of people I may not know well , going out for drinks to a busy bar . These are things I took for granted before and now the thought of putting myself through situations like those can bring me out in a cold sweat , sometimes it can even feel as if I 'm paralysed with anxiety . Surprisingly though things actually improved a bit whilst I was pregnant with Esmae . My husband even said he was beginning to see the old me again , but since losing her I feel like I 'm back to square one - some days I don 't even think I 'm on the board ! I sometimes feel as if I 'll only fully get that confidence back when I 'm proudly pushing a pram in front of me . Maybe that 's because I 'll finally feel like I have a purpose in life , something to live for . I have spent all the time since losing Hunter building an emotional wall . Since Esmae I 've had to build it a little higher , but it is helping me get through this all over again . I both love and hate my wall . It shelters me from most of the things in the world that I suddenly started noticing - baby adverts on TV , pregnant women , prams , toddlers , baby aisles in supermarkets , the list goes on . . . but it also blocks out a lot of the rest of my ( old ) world . I sometimes feel as if I 'm only half living . My more recent memories all seem a little dull , they 're all in the dark shadow of the wall . It 's as if everything has lost it 's colour since the wall went up . I don 't dare take it down though . I find it easy to talk to most people about my babies . I want to talk to anyone who asks and wants to listen about my babies . That there is the key point - I will talk to anyone who asks and is willing to listen . It 's not a subject everyone is thankful you bring up and then there is the odd time when I don 't want to talk . I thought after losing Esmae that I might be able to open up more to my parents about how I feel , but up until now this hasn 't been the case . This time I tried to tell them straight out that it helps me to talk about my babies , their grandchildren . At first this didn 't seem to work , they were still looking for my lead all the time , but I had long since given up as my previous attempts to let them in had failed . I assumed they wanted to protect me , but by not mentioning my babies at all they left me doubting how they felt about their grandchildren . Hopefully since writing them a letter and sending them an earlier draft of this blog , which sparked a very tearful ( on my part ) conversation with my mum , things will become easier for all of us . It had got to the point where my wall was always up around them , blocking them out , and I couldn 't work out how to let them in . I didn 't think they truly wanted to see what was the other side of my wall and although I thought I 'd tried various ways to let them in , nothing worked , perhaps I was being too subtle . I was trying to find a way of letting them know I needed more from them without causing them unnecessary pain . ( I say unnecessary pain , because there 's no magic pill that will make this painless for any of us . ) I think I still need to help them realise that pain is a natural part of the grieving process though and it can be cathartic . Exhausting , but cathartic . I don 't see feeling pain / showing your emotions as a weakness , it just demonstrates you are strong enough to endure each day , strong enough to get out of bed and try to get on with what 's left of your life . For the last couple of years I 've really needed my parents to realise this . They 've been trying so hard not to upset me , but they never fully understood that there is nothing they can do or say that will make me feel any worse . Saying nothing at all is the only thing ( for me ) which makes it worse . I 'm hopeful after talking openly with my mum that things will change . I still need to work on showing my true emotions in front of her and my dad , but I need them to not feel as if they are walking on eggshells around me and my husband all the time . Saying my babies names might bring tears to my eyes , but I love hearing people talk about them , it reminds me that they mattered . I still need to help my parents realise that it 's ok for me to cry , it 's ok for me to breakdown , to not be able to breathe because there 's a pain in my chest which takes up all the space for air . These are all natural parts of grieving , it 's not something I can suddenly switch off and get over . All those things are normal to me now . Although they 'll already know , from this blog , we 've started trying again , I think it 'll still take some time before my mum will feel comfortable discussing that with me . I want to be able to confide in my mum if I take a test and it shows up negative or tell her how depressing it feels when you don 't even get as far as taking a test . I think she feels a bit useless though because she can 't just wave a magic wand and fix everything . She has no frame of reference as she never experienced any problems during her pregnancies ( although my birth was pretty traumatic , but she took that in her stride ! ) Sometimes I just need someone to listen , even if they can 't tell me everything will work out fine in the end . Trying to conceive again after a loss is so tough . It can consume your life . We felt last month that we were ready . I think we both sometimes feel the months ticking away and although I feel guilty saying this , I do feel as if we 're another year down the line and many more months have been wasted . Unfortunately our first month of trying again didn 't work and I thought I 'd be ok with it , but during those few days last week I just felt in limbo and it brought back memories of how desperate I felt all those months after Hunter , trying without success . It just hits home again that I should be heavily pregnant right now with Esmae and getting her nursery together . Perhaps some would say if I feel this way then maybe I 'm not ready to start trying again , but it 's hard to explain the overwhelming urge to keep on trying to someone who hasn 't suffered the loss of a baby , the loss of three babies . We started trying again about three months after losing Hunter and to be honest I sometimes felt a little relieved when we didn 't conceive ( just for those first couple of months though ) . I realise now this was probably because we were still so deep in our grief that we weren 't quite ready . When we eventually did get pregnant it unfortunately didn 't last long . Finding no heartbeat at 7 weeks and then passing the baby three weeks later . The ' Little One ' , as we refer to her ( we feel she would 've been a girl ) , had given us the hope we needed , a definite sign not to give up . We were then lucky enough to conceive Esmae almost straight - away - it was like she was meant to be … We are now two and a half years further down the line from where we began and although I don 't know what the future has in store for us , I do know I 'm ready to try again . I 'm ready to let it consume me again , to become my life again . It 's the only way I can keep getting out of bed each morning trying to move forward . Sometimes I feel like the last couple of years have been a dream ; so much has happened it 's hard to believe it 's real . This time two years ago I was happily pregnant with my first baby . We were excited for the future and could never for one second have imagined the outcome . There was no possible way to know that in around six weeks time from that point we would go for our anomaly scan and our world would fall apart as we were told our baby was too sick to survive . On 20th July 2013 we held our beautiful tiny baby son , Findlay , in our arms . He never breathed our air but even at that point I knew I would never be the same person I was before . Now , almost two years later , the pain is still there , maybe not as raw as it was in the beginning but it never goes away . Somehow , with a lot of help ( special thanks to my counsellor Jeni at SANDS Lothians for this one ) I have learned to live with it . The absolute best healing has , however , come from my beautiful rainbow baby , Cameron , who has made me smile like I never thought I would ever again . Born three days before his big brother 's 1st birthday , the last 10 and a half months have been the happiest of my life . Yet , with everything , bittersweet . It 's hard not to wish that Cameron had a big brother who was here physically that he could play with and giggle with . It 's hard not to look at Cameron and wonder if his big brother would have the same big bright blue eyes and blonde hair which is starting to develop the sweetest little curls . I am a mother of two but only hold one baby in my arms . I have lost count of the number of times I 've been asked that oh so innocent question ' is he your first ? ' . At first I wanted the ground to swallow me up not wanting the other person to feel awkward , however , slowly I am learning to respond with honesty and tell them that my first baby died . I am sorry if this makes the other person feel awkward but that is the reality I have to live with every day of my life and I will never deny either of my children . I love them equally and they have both enriched my life in so many ways . I feel blessed to have had the pleasure of spending even the shortest of times with Findlay and having the chance to create so many precious memories . He is and always will be my true inspiration . I feel blessed to have the chance to watch his little brother , Cameron , grow and develop every day , he is and always will be my world . I wasn 't going to write a post this year . I 've been thinking and thinking and just couldn 't find the words . I didn 't really know where to start . I still don 't but I was at the girls ' grave today and felt I had to come home and write . Just some musings . . . no literary greatness . . . just some thoughts . Just sounds ridiculous . Sad . Stupid . Depressing . Honestly ? I still can 't believe that it is my story , that it all happened to me . I think I lived in a daze for a long time . I struggled with the lead up to the girls ' birthdays this year , much more so than ever before . A few days before Molly 's birthday I opened an app on my phone : Timehop , 4 years ago today . . . my status was about a day we spent in St Andrew 's . Great start to the holidays I said . I remember it clearly right down to the clothes we were both wearing . It was a beautiful warm day , we walked along the beach , I felt Molly moving . We were so full of hopes and dreams and so very happy . Two days later she was gone and was then born on the 14th . Just reading that gave me a great big slap and I felt it right in my guts again . I struggled to keep it together for the next few days . I was such a different person then . I 'll never be that girl again . I can see myself in my head on that day , so happy and so carefree . That day I just felt that it was all just shit . Those two little girls will always be missing . People just don 't get that . And then of course came the guilt . After all the loss , I was now in the position where I was a mummy to a living , breathing child . The most amazing little girl who has brought so much joy , laughter and healing into our lives . And here I was in a crying mess . What good does that do for the little miracle now here ? So I guess where I am right now is balancing the juggling act that is mothering 3 children in 2 entirely different ways : 1 who is here and 2 who are not . And realising that it is okay to still have days when I am sad . Mostly I am incredibly grateful , as always , for my little rainbow and for the support around us from friends and family . I am incredibly blessed . I 'm a mix of so many emotions and thoughts , but I have to lock them all away for the day as best as I can . If I cry Logan cries . So I have to hide everything until all those feelings creep up on me once I 'm in bed at night . I don 't feel like I 've moved on much since last year . I could copy and paste my entry and it still be relevant now . I suppose that is where I am . I don 't know if I will ever feel any different . I 'm in a place that although I still cry I don 't do so often and afterwards I 'm so good at hiding it that no one would ever know I 'd cried . Then sometimes I feel guilty for this . Like I 'm wiping away her memory with my tears . It 's not ok that she has gone but I 'm ok . Bereaved but not broken . I wish I knew how to move forward as it is a strange and somewhat ( looking for the right word , bitter ? no ) begrudging and resentful acceptance I feel . Maybe next year will be different but I doubt it . Maybe how I feel it the end of the rollercoaster of emotions and I 'll feel like this the rest of my life ? The life of a loss mum is not one anyone wants or is even willing to think about in their happy world but I live it . Sometimes with a heavy heart or sometimes with happy memories depending on my mood . I 've come a long way since those early days . Life moves on , the world keeps turning but a part of me longs to go back . As time goes on I feel like I 'm leaving her behind . My baby died . But I 've come so far that it surprises me . 4 years and 8 months feels like lifetime . I can 't remember the early days of loss . Like I was a robot , the lights off and wandering through shadows . My brain adjusting to the pain . Occasionally I have moments of ' what if . . . . . . ? ' But I try not to . My rainbow was born 5 days before my angels first birthday and I find it hard to wish for her back knowing that had she lived I wouldn 't have my boy now 3 . I wouldn 't swap , I couldn 't choose between them . My youngest boy , nearly 2 , still looks like her . I want them all . We 've decided to try again next year and the thought of a little brother or sister joining her is putting me off ordering her headstone as I 'd want them buried together . I 'm not superstitious or usually so pessimistic but I can 't shake the feel of dread . I 've lost the naivety . I am fed up . Fed up of all these months of just wanting my husband for his sperm . Fed up of two week waits and then the tantalising ' am I ? ' when Aunt Flo decides to torment me & come a few hours or days later than expected . I am fed up of getting that exciting BFP and the subsequent nervous breakdowns I feel wondering if it will continue . I am fed up of seeing my wee bean wriggling on the ultrasound screen only for it to be snatched away from me within weeks . I am fed up looking at countless announcements on Facebook of people I know & of celebrity pregnancies , and I am fed up by passing three due dates and nearing due date number four with no baby to show & no pregnancy underway . Anyone get the impression that I am ' fed up ' ? I have been diagnosed as having an under active thyroid with antibodies in January and I am on treatment now for this . My body more than likely had been attacking my wee babies and this is horrible . I am totally to blame . Nobody else . I am piling on the weight which is probably a lot down to the fact my thyroid is screwed , but also because I am eating as I am sad . I need to get a grip . If I was pregnant I would be putting myself & my baby at risk of all sorts being so overweight . I know how lucky I am to have my gorgeous daughter who is six . I hear all the time how I should appreciate how lucky I am . I DO ! ! ! I would actually be lost without her . I hear should we not just give up & accept what we have . My daughter has kept me from spiralling into despair , but it does not take away the need I have to extend my family . I am not ready to give up . I do not want to let this beat me . I have spent money getting a uterine biopsy to check I do not have high uterine killer cells and , as far as I know , the only issue I am dealing with now is my thyroid which is under control . The main problem now is getting my husband and I in the same place at the right time . I am not ready to give up ! Should I ? Should I accept I am only meant to be a mummy to one & four angels ? I don 't think so , but can I go through more heartache ? Is my head going to be able to deal with another loss ? I 'm getting older now . Am I too old at 36 ? Physically I know it 's possible . I am a midwife , I see it every day , but will it be possible for me ? So while this is a ' fed up ' post & I am sorry for bringing anyone down , I feel I need to continue . I think I will know when enough is enough . I am hoping that I won 't get to that stage though . Is my rainbow take home baby out there for me ? I hope so . I need to believe it . Our beautiful girl , Eilish died in September 2014 , aged 9 months and 24 days . She seemed a healthy , normal baby at first and then struggled with severe reflux , struggled with feeding and putting on weight . At 5 months old she was diagnosed with an incurable enzyme deficiency called Krabbe Leukodystrophy . We were told on average babies with this genetic condition life for 13 months but most die before aged 2 . We didn 't even get 10 months with our darling girl . Time is not healing . Time is making me miss Eilish more . My whole life since Eilish 's diagnosis has been turned on its head . I no longer have the optimistic , everything will turn out fine attitude that I used to have because - well it didn 't turn out alright , my little girl died . I am carrying a heavy weight around that I can never put down . It did seem to ' not get any heavier ' for a few weeks but it 's heavier again . It just seems like every day since the first anniversary of Eilish being admitted to hospital is ingrained in my head . I started a blog a year ago last week and from then until the day EIlish died - exactly 4 months - there is at least one entry for each day . All I know is that I can function normally , for the most part , but the pain I feel at times is so acute and worse than it 's ever been . I have been thinking about this a lot and I 've come to the conclusion that it will never get better or easier to be without Eilish , but that I am getting used to it and it is part of me and my new life . So although I still have bad days / weeks , I feel it 's more predictable . There are still things , situations that catch me off guard and hit me hard , but for the most part I know how it goes . I ' get on with ' life or , more accurately , it carries me on , then an anniversary comes or a particular memory hits and I have a few bad days - it 's a release to let it all out - and then I go back to life for a few weeks . I seem to be able to hold it together until another anniversary or memory strikes again . There are times when I get longer in between these . Then there are times when I feel guilty about laughing and smiling - and all I want to say to people is that I may be laughing but there 's still a part of my heart missing , my laughter and joy is not at the same level it was before but I do still find happiness around - especially with our 2 boys ( aged 4 and 2 ) . There are times when mindless chit chat is fine but when I 'm having hard days then I can 't be bothered with it and everything seems trivial so on those days it 's eIt 's now been 8 months since Eilish died and in many senses they have passed in a flash . I am dreading when it becomes 9 months because then it will then only be a matter of days until she has been gone for longer than she lived and that fills me with such sadness , that her life seems so fleeting . However , she will never be forgotten . I find it difficult to think about happy times with her as all I can think about was the pain and suffering she went through and how awful it was to see her struggle and know she wasn 't going to win her battle but she was such a happy wee thing with a cheeky wee smile . She loved music and singing and she loved her big brothers . So I 'm here , living this new life - a life I haven 't chosen - and trying to make the best of it . I am thankful for my husband and my 2 gorgeous boys and the for the life we have . I am making plans to go back to work . Our eldest boy will start school in August and our youngest son will go start Nursery in August too . I am not moving on but I am moving forward . Part of me will always be in the past with Eilish , my heart will always have a piece missing and our life will always have an Eilish - shaped hole in it . I will always be Eilish 's Mummy and proud to be . x 17 months and 14 days ago I woke to hear my OH screaming ' Clare the baby ' . I replied what and looked . My beautiful baby Henry was unresponsive . I knew he 'd gone . I was right . SIDS had claimed another victim but why my baby ? why my boy ? Underneath it all I was obsessed - who else had lost a baby to SIDS . Which celebrities had been through this , which people I passed in the street . Who ? Why ? Luckily it happened quickly . A rainbow pregnancy . . . every scan came filling me with dread . The 20 week confirmed a girl . . . we felt strange . But I 'd lost a boy , why a girl ? Then it made sense . She couldn 't be compared . . . she 'll be her own person . Girl babies are stronger , less likely to die from SIDS . When we passed her 7 week mark things changed from when will we lose her to what if we lose her . Things suddenly weren 't so definite . A slight sense of relief . Now I just pray my angel is watching down on us and smiling . I miss him every day . I want to kiss him just once more . I hope he knows how much I love him . I 'm sure he does xxx I am in a place where I feel more confident as a person and I am a better person for losing Lilly . I am doing things now I would never have had the confidence to do before . I went back to college and graduated with a HNC , I am now a pupil support worker in a local primary school . I feel she has taught me to be more appreciative of what I have . It has been almost a year since we found out the heart of our second baby had stopped beating on 30th June 2014 at 15 weeks and 5 days gestation . We had already bonded with our baby so much in the space of just 4 weeks . . . from those four weeks , we learnt that she was a girl , she had defects , a possible severe disability , she was a rarity and a fighter for staying with us past 12 weeks . She would wave at us during scans , she was a wriggler , and was a good average size for gestation . We felt like we had got to know our unborn daughter so well in such a small space of time so when I heard no heartbeat , only eery whooshing , I covered my eyes and wished I was somewhere else . I couldn 't identify the motionless blurry image on the screen as our feisty baby , We had faith that she was going to survive . Instead of being handed an appointment card for the next scan I sat there thinking about having empty arms in December on her due date and carrying on as normal . Since then I have carried on , functioned , been busy with my son , trying to give him a good life without a sibling . I feel genuinely hurt by the word ' only child ' , I cannot identify my son with this term . I feel he carries a part of his sister , as do I . She exists in our everyday lives , in very subtle but special ways . A pretty baby dress catches my eye or a nice plaque and I instantly think of her . We miscarried our rainbow baby in January , at only 10 weeks . It was a big blow , especially so soon after Charlie 's due date . We were not ready for another loss . It has been a while since I 've blogged . I have slipped out of the habit , or the need , to blog as often as before . That doesn 't for a minute mean that I have nothing to say , but it is more a case that most people don 't listen now like they used to . I have realised now that this wasn 't my hardest day . My hardest day has been living every single day since that moment . Feeling for things , and searching for things to make my life ' worth it ' . I haven 't yet found that , I am still searching . I still know exactly how many days I have survived . Am I who I was before Haydon ? - No . I barely resemble her , in looks or values . I can 't list everything because the changes are too vast , and they hurt too much to remember . The people that know me really well see glimpses of the old me , but briefly . They love those moments , I can see it on their faces , and their body language . They hope that the old ' Me ' is finally back . But it doesn 't last for too long because then I remember . Then I feel , and I think , and I 'm the new ' me ' again . I no longer hide my grief to protect others because the hardest thing is hiding him , that boy , my son , my life and love , my heart . Haydon . I may wait to say what I have to , because not all times are appropriate , but if I feel the need to speak up and out about him , I will . That is different . His life is just as valid as anyone else 's child . His experiences count and they do matter . Hiding him hurts me . This year is bringing further change . A change that I never for one second thought I would celebrate . Or that Jim would celebrate . But , we will . We are ending our days of fertility . The advice was always that I wasn 't strong enough physically after all my losses to try for another child , but after Haydon we didn 't want another child anyway because we only wanted him . We struggled with the guilt of not wanting another , either though adoption or fostering or surrogacy . We allowed ourselves time to change our mind , but our minds are still the same . No other child would be him , so we are ending this phase permanently . We have sought advice and the wheels are turning . My health is still fragile , so Jim is getting a Vasectomy . For my entire life of being surrounded by children , and raised with so many , all I wanted was a big family of my own to love . Jim only has a brother , so for him the idea of a large family was frightening , but exciting . We hold no excitement or hope for this anymore . We are focusing on ' Us ' . Just ' Us ' . And our beautiful hearted dogs that are our ' family ' now . |
I woke up feeling disorientated and thirsty , the lovely dulcet tones of Florence and the Machine playing in my ears . I yanked my sleep mask off and pulled the headphones from my ears only to find Jessica gone and Eric in her place . He smiled when I looked at him . " So you 're apologizing for your girlfriend being an asshole ? Interesting . What else ? " I wasn 't in the mood , in all honesty , for his heart - to - heart if that 's what this was . " Thank you . For this . For this shot , and for wanting me to be the guy that played Ryan . I don 't know if I 've told you or not but I really love this script . Like , really love it . I just needed you to know I 've worked hard , trying to be what the script needs me to be and I want this shoot to go well . " " I see . Well , great . I 'm glad that when you cut your hair you lost some of your attitude along with it . Neither the hair nor the ' tude was very attractive . " " Am I attractive now ? " he asked with a cocky smile . I just ignored him and took a long sip of my bottled water . " Oh , you 're engaged ? I hadn 't noticed before , " he said , nodding to my ring . " Want to know my secret ? I take half a Xanax before I fly . Knocks me right out . I don 't think it 's worn off fully yet . " He simply nodded . I hoped he meant all his sweet talk . I prayed he did . I didn 't need him bullshitting me like he bullshitted the rest of the world . I had too much at stake here . " No . No , this is just not right ! How many times , Eric ? Really you need to listen to me . That 's not what this scene is about - " " No , it 's not . You 're half - assing it ! You look like you got lost on the way to set . This isn 't the look we 're going for . " The hotel was overbooked so half of the crew and the actors were shuttled to another hotel ten miles away from where we 'd managed to get rooms . My assistant - who had been on leave because his mother died - he still hadn 't arrived . He 'd been fucked over with his flights and ended up on the other side of the country , meaning he was still a day away . The trailers hadn 't been set up on location , so you had a crew of forty people and twelve actors and a very pissed off director baking in the sun , with nothing but tents for coverage . When they 'd finally managed to arrive - two days late - Sookie looked like she was going to explode . " Okay everyone , let 's try and get this next take , okay ? I know we 're all tired and hungry and in need of a few shots , right ? " she asked with a smile , and everyone agreed . " Switching locations tomorrow , so feel free to get as drunk as you like tonight but I want everyone on set by six a . m . on Thursday , you hear me ? " And then there was that . Northman . That 's who I was on set when she addressed me . Everyone went by their last names . Even her . Jessica was a sweet girl . She was naive but down to earth in the way that you couldn 't help but like her . She was kind and pleasant to everyone , and if I was honest , I thought she had a tiny crush on me . Not that I encouraged it or anything , but I was a natural born flirt . Flirting was fun . It was easy and it was nice to feel wanted . Who doesn 't want to feel wanted ? Especially by attractive women trying their best not to blush or swoon around you . " Hi , Jessica , " I said , unzipping the top of my mop suit finally . She looked from my face to my bare chest . Her eyes widened before she focused on my face again , the blush settling in nicely on her cheeks . " Sure thing . " I may have winked at her . Like I said , flirting was fun and in this case , totally innocent . She wasn 't my type I 'm sorry to say - she was beautiful but a little too innocent for my tastes . Speaking of tastes , I managed to walk into Sookie 's trailer just in time to see her in her underwear . " Then I 'm a bitch , whatever . " She dismissed the conversation , turning to step into her sundress . " Yes , I wanted to see you . Dude , what 's up with that today ? You were completely off your game . Do we need more dialect sessions ? " " No , we 're good . I was just … I didn 't sleep so well last night , shit that shouldn 't be getting in the way , is , and I guess it messed with my head . I 'm sorry . " " It 's fine , it is . I just , everyone has their off days . I just want to make sure it doesn 't turn into an off week , you know ? This production is already so screwed … " She ran her fingers through her hair twisting it into a high ponytail . " Just yours . Have a good night , but try not to pick up any hookers , okay ? " she said , laughing as she passed me on her way out of her trailer door . I just resigned myself to the fact that I 'd spend yet another night alone in my hotel room . The other guys had insisted that I go out with them - beyond insisted in fact . I 'd just finished showering when there was a knock on my door . " You have to come out man . Really , it 's going to be a rager . Everyone from the crew is going to be there , and that hot chick Jessica , too . You never know , you might get laid . " Did I mention he was your classic stoner hippy who decided that ' acting ' was his way to enlightenment ? Yeah , that was him . He was whacked , but he was a hell of an actor . " Stressed out , bitch . Why do you defend her ? You know I found fucking ROCKS in my duffle bag yesterday dude ? Fucking ROCKS . That shit is a prop . It 's meant to be empty . " " Sucks for you . But stop bad mouthing her , okay ? She 's doing an amazing job with the clusterfuck that is this place and the ' team . ' Cut her some slack . " " Uh , yours ? " He pulled out his iPhone and began scrolling till he got to the blog in question . There was Sandy , just ' casually ' posturing by her car , left hand a flutter in clear view of the lenses . " Uh , no , dude . I can tell you right now I didn 't give her that ring . I 'm not sure what 's happening here but I 'm not engaged . " " Weird . She 's been telling people you are . The video is there , too , " he said , handing me the phone so I could see for myself . I rolled my eyes and noted the time difference . I 'd call her in the morning and straighten this shit out . Right then , I needed a drink . A large one . " I 'm just so tired of being single , Sookie . It 's been three years for cryin ' out loud . I want a boy , no I want a MAN , but all LA has to offer is self - obsessed douchebags more into their looks than they are into their women . That , or they 're married douchebags , or they 're gay guys who just want to curl my hair ! It 's not fair ! " Jessica ranted , sitting on my large bed like a genie with her legs crossed . We 'd been on the wine since dinner , and once Laf joined us to make up for going out , we 'd hit the harder stuff with him . " Wait wait , are you sayin ' … that you 're a virgin ? " Lafayette asked and I almost spat my drink all over myself . No way was she a virgin . She was hot , she was tall , and she was awesome - sure she was a bit scatterbrained , but guys didn 't give a shit about that when you looked like her . " Horrible , right ? I mean , who the hell is a virgin at my age ? It 's SO embarrassing . But in high school , I had super strict rules to live by - my parents are seriously religious - and in college , well , I was just too damn busy with schoolwork to date … and the longer I leave it , the harder it gets and I think I 'm a freak . God ! " She buried her head in her hands and I moved her drink away from her elbow on the table next to her . " No , it 's not . It 's special and you 'll find someone just as special . And when you , do you 'll know . " Lafayette laughed . " Girl you got good taste . He 's fine , isn 't he ? Fine as fuck . Sadly … for me , he likes the ladies . But he 's a playful flirt ; I like that about him . " " Ohh , honey , you jealous ? I 've seen you two go at it with the sexually charged sparring . Personally , I think you should fuck him , Sookie . Might relax you a little bit . " I glared at him . He knew good well what my issues were right now and still he made shitty jokes like that . Plus , Lafayette could make anything ' dirty ' if he put his mind to it - even arguing . " It means , he doesn 't know what fucking side is up and she doesn 't either . Girl for real , break is just one word short of a break up . Personally , I think you both know what 's up but won 't take the steps to do it . " " It 's not that easy , Lafayette . We 've been together a long time , there 's a lot of history there . I can 't just throw that all away for nothing . " " So , you 're scared of being alone ? Is that it ? We 're all scared of being alone , sugar tits . But some of us just embrace it better than others . Do you love Alcide ? " That was the harder question to answer . We 'd been together so long , and from such a young age . I mean , before Alcide I 'd maybe had one boyfriend , and that was just a casual thing . He was my first serious relationship right through college and beyond . I knew nothing else but him . I 'd never been in love before I got with him , and I assumed that my love for him meant I was in love with him . But the more I thought about it the more I realized that maybe I was wrong . But I would , as soon as I saw him face - to - face . I would do it . It was only fair to him , and if I was honest , fair to me , too . I was drunk , there were cameras , camera phones and flashes every - fucking - where . I knew Facebook would be experiencing new uploads in the morning , but I didn 't give a shit . The crew , the cast , we were all having a blast , and my tongue was blue from all the colored shots we 'd been doing . Sookie , her producer person who 's name escaped me , Lafayette and Jessica were dancing up a storm to something vaguely pop - tastic that the DJ insisted on playing . I realized I really liked drunk Sookie . In fact , mostly everyone did . She was hilarious , honest in a funny way - instead of her usual ball busting way - and she was handsy . Not that I was complaining at all but in a way I maybe should have been . Having a hot drunk blonde with those breasts dancing with you , her gay best friend , her assistant , and rubbing said breasts all up on you - by accident or not - was making me horny as hell . Not that that was shocking ; alcohol made everyone horny and everyone seemed hot no matter what they looked like . That was a lesson I 'd learned the hard way over the years , having woken up the next morning with some very questionable choices in a fuck partner . It was one of the first reasons Sandy and I had hooked up . Possibly not the best start to a relationship I 'd imagine . " Shut up ! It 's not my fault I 'm … vertically challenged , " she giggled . " Or that you 're a freakin ' giant . " The party had served it 's purpose . It had united the cast and crew in a way that broke whatever ice might have remained between us all , and it got Sookie seen in a new light . She wasn 't just Queen Bitch now , she was Queen Bitch who was a hilarious drunk and really not that scary . Everything was going well . We 'd all been enjoying ourselves a little too much when it happened . But she started to look pissed , and closed off , clearly giving the guy the brush off as all of us expected and walked away from him . That 's when he grabbed her and pushed her against the wall . The group of guys I was standing with were on him instantly , and Sookie just looked stunned . I 'd hit him , square in the nose , a lot harder than I had intended to . There was a scuffle . Our guys , his guys , Sookie caught in the middle . Punches were thrown , blood was spilled . She 'd tried her best to break it up but got an elbow in the ribs for her troubles . I was singled out buy his buddies and they laid into me pretty hard before I got out of the corner they 'd managed to get me into . That 's when I felt her grab my hand . " GUYS , GET OUT OF HERE NOW ! Just go , " she said pointing to the back entrance of the shabby little bar . " Laf , take Jessica back to the hotel , okay ? " she said as everyone scattered to the wind . She grabbed my hand again and we went to the front of the bar . " Well , I 'm going to explain to them what happened and you can be my witness . It 'll be fine . " She was clearly not thinking straight . I didn 't argue , I just grabbed her hand and yanked her back . I began to run , and I made her run , too . The cop was old and slow and gave up pretty soon after we started running - something we didn 't realize until later - so Sookie and I kept on running , before she yanked me to stop . Her shoes , her heels . She couldn 't run any further . I stopped and pulled her shoes off , throwing them to the side of the road . What was there to understand ? It was just a fancy word for ' old as fuck ' for rich out their ass people . But no , if I wore a shirt I had for four years I was being a cheap bastard . I didn 't get it . " Well , there 's the beach , the hotel is near the beach , " she said , unsure . " Ugh … no . Too tired . I don 't even care , " she said , wandering onto the barely lit beach . The lights in place for parking and such cast very little light onto the actual sand . " Oh this is nice , " she said , walking on the cold sand in her bare feet before sitting down . " I 'm glad we ran . I mean , my dad always taught me to take responsibility for my actions or non - actions . But for right now ? The last thing I needed was getting arrested , or getting my male lead arrested . So . . Yeah , good call , " she said while yanking my hand to make me sit next to her . " I don 't need you to defend me , Eric , " she said this time with a scowl , folding her arms as she shivered . " I don 't need anyone to defend me . I can take care of myself . " Clearly , but why did that mean she should have to ? I kept quiet and gave her my jacket , which she thanked me for before laying down on the sand . I joined her not long after . " Duly noted , " she started , but stopped before she said anything else on the subject . Instead she used my jacket as a mini blanket for both of us . And before I knew it , we 'd fallen asleep . A / N : Little bit of action this chapter , and it seems right now the only person Eric is angry at - is himself . What did we think ? Reviews are more than encouraged and loved ! Or hit me up on twitter if you have any other Qs or comments lol . The joys of a diet coke addiction , it 's why the chapters keep appearing so fast ! Hope you enjoyed ! xox I woke up to the sound of waves and light snoring . I squinted as I opened my eyes , the sun was just starting to rise through the clouds . My head felt as if it was going to fall off . " Five more minutes , " he said groggily . I just stood up . My neck was really going to hurt for the next few hours at least , as well as the rest of me . I looked around and realized we were about half a mile from the hotel . Damn it . Had I not been so drunkenly disorientated last night I might have saved us both some discomfort . " Right , you don 't ' do ' actors , I know . But you know Sookie , there 's an exception to every rule ever made . Including yours . " " Just shoes ? Oh , you are such a guy . Just shoes ? First of all , they 're Chanel . Second of all , they 're vintage . " Yeah , I really needed other shopping partners besides Pam - she was wearing off on me a little too much , I realized . " You are such a … you know , I bet you 're one of those people with like six outfits total in their wardrobe lasting them years , aren 't you ? " I said , tiptoeing out of the sand and onto the sidewalk . Now that I wasn 't drunk , walking barefoot caused me a little more anxiety than it did before . I was skipping and tiptoeing my way behind him before he just stopped . I felt his hands go straight up my legs as he hoisted me onto his back . I felt as ridiculous as it probably looked . Then he stood up and wow , tall guy was tall . " Eric ! " I gripped onto his neck even tighter than before . I didn 't even care if I left fingerprints at this point ; I didn 't want to fall ! " Anytime , " he said , with an almost shy smile breaking across his face before he did something I wasn 't expecting . He reached over and tucked a piece of flyaway hair behind my ear . It was a simple gesture , but for some reason it sent shivers through me . Of course , I convinced myself it was the morning chill , the hangover , or the fact that we slept on a beach for five hours . But it wasn 't . It wasn 't any of those things . He looked at me then , before quickly looking away as we both got hit with a serious dose of awkward . " Ughhhhh , " I said , slamming my head against my pillows . Why couldn 't life just be simple ? Why did everything have to be so fucking hard ? Turns out , I didn 't know shit about hard that morning . The next two weeks of shooting were an absolute disaster and would show me exactly what hard was . Six of my ' marines ' came down with a mysterious illness . Eric wasn 't sick , but I could tell whatever they had , he 'd get eventually . He kept on shooting and we shot around the others where we could . And then , oh then … Sandy showed up , with her two photo agencies . They followed her around the hotel , to our set - and as a result , stalked the damn set and me for photos , too . Lots of questions were thrown my way . " Are you acting again ? It 's good to see you … " " What 's the movie about ? " " Are you and Eric sleeping together ? Is that why Sandy is here ? Come on Sookie , talk to us ! " I was baffled , truly . So , I did what I always did when I was nervous or freaked out - I plastered on my fakest smile and told them thank you for their interest , but that it wasn 't an interview . We managed to put up blackout gates the next day . To top things off , Eric 's assistant , Hoyt , finally arrived - the day after the bar brawl - after being delayed for days due to flight mix ups . He was tall and southern . Two things it seemed that Jessica was just on the lookout for . They struck up a conversation almost immediately , leaving Eric and I to assist ourselves most of the time . I didn 't begrudge the girl some flirting . In fact , it was too sweet to witness most of the time . They were both very innocent in that sense . Hoyt had been a friend of a friend of Eric 's in need of a job to stay in LA , so Eric hired him . He was as un - LA as a person could get . And it was like Jessica 's dream come true . She didn 't say it , but I knew she was instantly smitten . But for fear of being fired , she kept it under wraps . There was no mistaking that smile , or the look in her eyes when she saw him . It was something that I realized was missing with Alcide and myself . It had been missing for a very long time . " Pam , it 's not that easy , okay ? Everyone is sick ! The crew are starting to drop like flies with their sick days , and now , Pam , now my lead actress is this close ! " I indicated with my fingers even though I was alone pacing my hotel room , " This close to quitting , because she 's been throwing up for three days and looks like a corpse . Pam , she can barely speak and I just … do not have the time , nor the budget , to stop production and re - cast . " She wasn 't the only one . In the last number of weeks , I 'd wager I 'd lost well over fifteen pounds with the stress and lack of sleep or desire to eat large meals . " Yeah , but it 's his hallucination here , so it needs to be on location . Remember ? He gets shot and he 's dying and he sees his dead wife . It 's all very Lifetime movie . What can I say , I was PMSing when I wrote that part . But the network loved the angst of it all , so it has to be filmed here . " " It is if it 's planned , and yes it 's narcissistic and what have you - but again , only if it 's planned . This is a last minute necessity , and really Sookie you know these characters inside out . You could nail this . " " Thirteen years , blah , blah … yes , I know . But come on , you 've been acting this shit out in your head since you wrote it . You can do this . And in fact , you will do this . Because if you don 't , I quit as your manager . " " What ? I will ! So go to wardrobe , get yourself fitted and go make out with Eric Northman . Mmmkay ? Call me when it 's done , sweetie . " " Wow ! You know , you could look a little happier to see me . I did fly halfway across the damn planet , " she said dumping her many , many , many bags in my doorway . She hugged me again and I let her as I hugged her back . It was nice having spent the previous month all alone at night with nothing to do but run lines with the bare walls and listen to the never ending splash of the ocean . The distraction was a welcome one , since the production was extremely close to being shut down completely . No one knew what was going to happen in the coming days . I felt sorry for Sookie . Knowing how much this all meant to her , and how hard she and everyone else had been working to get it right . For something as stupid as actors not getting their proper shots in time for filming in a foreign location , therefore coming down with the flu - vomiting and swift exiting from every other exit on the body … it was beyond preventable . All I knew was I had scenes with Ginger tomorrow . She was playing my wife , and she was currently head first in a toilet somewhere . Making out would not be fun , that 's for sure . " I am sorry you know , about the whole ring mix - up thing . Really , it was just that it didn 't fit any other finger , and when they asked about it , I just laughed it off . Which I guess they took for an admission . " " I know , but sweetie , Bill is right , in a way . We have to keep people interested in us when the work dries up , otherwise they just forget about you . And once that happens , it 's career death ! " " Sandy … We 're not getting engaged . It 's not … the right time . And to be honest , getting engaged would be a huge mistake for us . " " What ? Why is this shocking ? Before you , I 'd been single for almost two years . Marriage isn 't something that I 'm even thinking about right now . " " Who said anything about getting married ? We get engaged , I get a ring , we get some positive press for a change , instead of them thinking you hate me . It 's a win , win . It 'll help promote this project as well . " She just rolled her eyes . " She 's so annoying by the way , all do - gooder and hardworking . I looked her up online , and you know what ? Her daddy is super rich and famous and respected for fuck 's sake , and what does she do ? Oh , spends her Thanksgivings at a homeless shelter - without telling the press , might I add - instead of accepting a dinner invite from Steven Spielberg ! She 's fucking nuts ! " " Riiight … Still weird though , just so you know . And also for the record , we 're not engaged , so please move the ring to the right hand . " " Fine , end of discussion . " She stopped touching me to sit on the other end of the bed . Clearly , now , we weren 't having sex tonight . On set call was for six a . m . I arrived at five to go over my lines in the makeup trailer . I 'd been ' shot ' yesterday . Those scenes were hard , I won 't lie - the idea of being at death 's door was the last thing ' Ryan ' wanted . He was a fighter , and he believed in his cause . But he was fucked up from the inside out . His wife had died , which led to him enlisting , which led to his issues on the field . And once he was shot , he wasn 't just thinking about her anymore . He was seeing her , too . In dreams at first , but they were so real that his reality was shifting , which led to him being sent home from war … which leads us to the second half of shooting , and ' Ryan ' attempting to deal with his life as it is now instead of running from it , and his past like he had tried to do before . Sookie had done an amazing job piecing together all his little quirks . Like when we start , it seems like he 's just this normal grieving guy , but by the end you get to see just how fucked up he really is underneath . She sighed . " My worst nightmare , that 's what 's going on . Ginger quit . She 's too ill to keep going and she 's been admitted to the hospital for dehydration . I don 't have the time , the budget or the remaining sanity to shut down and re - cast . So , here I am . I 'm your Dena . Tell me you don 't have an issue with that , please , " she pleaded . She looked terrified in all honesty . " Great . So this scene , it starts off with she … me and you just talking like it 's a dream sequence but then you realize you can touch me , which is different from the times you 'd seen ' her ' before - Before you knew you couldn 't touch ' her ' … Got it ? You know your motivation ? " I nodded . We 'd been over this scene dozens of times . She didn 't want cheesy , she wanted real . And with her in place of Ginger , I had a feeling it would be more real than either of us was ready for . Kissing Sookie , it was so … oddly wonderful . It 's the only way I can describe it . Leading up to it , our dialogue was so heated and so full of hurt and pain and sadness , and she emoted it all without effort . She was amazing . The passion in her eyes came alive and she completely embodied Dena . It gave me chills . Chills , and a rapidly increasing boner . As much as I tried to will it away , it was … hard , and there was nothing I could do about it . Sookie was seated in my lap as we confessed our love and desperate need for each other . My hands clawed at her dress , and hers nestled in my short hair as we kissed as passionately as two people could . We kissed , and we kept on kissing … I was waiting for the cue to stop , but it never came . Only when things were getting extremely uncomfortable for me down below had I to nudge her slightly - then she pulled back . " Right … cut , " she shouted out , with a blush creeping into her cheeks . Her fingers automatically went to her lips - they were swollen and red , and so fucking sexy , and oddly wonderful . I 'd thought about this ; about what it would be like to kiss her just like this . How could I not ? She was beautiful , sexual , and she didn 't take my shit . But I 'd resigned myself to the fact that it was never going to happen outside of my imagination . She was engaged , she didn 't ' do ' actors and I was in a relationship - a fucked up one , but a relationship nonetheless . But the minute her lips touched mine , it was like nothing else I remember feeling . There was electric currents running through my body , going right to my dick . I didn 't want to be unprofessional and make her uncomfortable , but for a ' fake ' kiss , nothing had felt as real in a long time . We shot it again , and again , and again for the three angles needed . All the while , I knew Sandy was on set somewhere . I just hoped she was using the desert sun to top up her tan like she 'd said she was going to . A / N : * Glares at them * * Sigh * Who else thinks Sandy sees some chemistry she wished she didn 't and gets Eric into some shit because of it ? Hmm ? Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter , I wasn 't totally feeling it before I finished it last night , but fingers crossed it didn 't suck too much ! Thank you all again so much for the alerts and the Pms and the reviews , it 's just so * grabby hands * Love it ! 😀 Chapter 6 : Chapter 6 Disaster . It 's all I could think . I 'd been close to tears four times and it was only noon . The day had gone from bad to worse , quite literally . Pam was right . By the time I flew in an alternate actress for the role of Dena , got her fitted and ready to roll , we 'd be over budget and time restricted completely . So I did it . I stepped into the role . My first in almost a small lifetime . I was shaking as the wardrobe assistant pinned me into the dress at six a . m . Jessica sat in the chair across from me , smiling like an idiot . " No , really , I think you 'll make an amazing Dena . You 're her . She 's there to guide him back , right ? It 's all so romantic , " she sighed . She nodded before she handed me back my Blackberry . Pam kept texting me , informing me I 'd be needing an agent and a PR person now that I was back in the acting world . It just served to make me ten times more nauseated . " She doesn 't seem like his type at all ! Even Hoyt says so . He doesn 't get what 's going on between them , but apparently , Eric is miserable most of the time . " " Well , he 's a big boy . He can handle his own love life , I 'm sure . If he didn 't want to be with her , he 'd break it off . So there must be something he likes … buried deep within her shallow as a teaspoon self somewhere . " I shrugged . " She keeps treating him like he 's their maid or something . He hates it . Eric keeps apologizing to him because he knows he 's a great guy but SHE on the other hand … ugh . " When I saw Eric on set in costume , my nerves just crept right back up again . I mean come on , the last time I acted was with him was … a very long time ago . We were kids for crying out loud ! And now ? Now , I had everything on the line and if I sucked at this , all my hard work and a lot of other people 's hard work would be shot to hell because of my failure ! Nervous wasn 't even a big enough word for what I was feeling . Then it dawned on me , I hadn 't kissed another guy since Alcide and I got together . That was six years of kissing the same guy . What if I didn 't know how to kiss someone else ? Never mind that that someone else was Eric Northman , for crying out loud , who was sitting looking confused and curious when I shed my robe . In that moment I was his wife . I was the love of his life , and he , the love of my apparent afterlife . Of course , it wasn 't an afterlife at all . It was his scrambled psyche playing cruel tricks on him as he lay dying . As I touched his face and brought us closer , each line of dialogue flying perfectly from his mouth , I focused in on it and his lips because as his wife - his long gone , never to return to him , dead too young wife - being with him in that moment was all I wanted . And we played it out , all the pain , all the suffering , all the angst and most importantly for that scene , all the passion that they had for each other , as we kissed . As it turns out , I hadn 't forgotten how to kiss someone for the very first time . The kiss with Eric came easily ; it felt … as natural as breathing . That was a problem . I 'd managed to go into character a little too deeply , a little too fast , and I didn 't want to break the scene because I felt their pain of having to let the other one go . I felt Eric nudge me with his thumb , and I knew we 'd gone too far . Yelling cut and pulling away from him was a lot harder than I 'd anticipated . For a moment , I didn 't know if the desire I was feeling was coming from myself , or if I was creating it for Dena . I 'd forgotten what it felt like , to embrace that side of yourself , that hidden compartment where all your characters laid in quiet slumber waiting for you to bring them out to play . It was then , right then , when I realized just how much I 'd missed that feeling . And once I had it , I wanted to feel it again and again . I was elated . " Nothing to think about . You 're here , you 're Dena - much better than that Ginger girl any day . " He grinned like a fool before pushing my hair behind my ears again . Apparently , much like flirting , this was just another quirk were he couldn 't help himself . I laughed , that was true . Hollywood was the land of make believe and fake it if you can 't make it , but chemistry was always the one thing two actors either had , or they didn 't . And apparently we had it , and then some . " Not funny , bitch ! You are a home - wrecker on the Internet . And now you have about three thousand new followers on that dreaded Twitter of yours , too . " " They saw the pictures Miss ' I don 't know if I can do it , ' and so did I . They were fucking hot . Far away and grainy , but hot . " She scoffed . " Spare time ? I don 't know the meaning of those two words , Sookie . Anyway , I just thought I 'd give you a heads up . That , and Eric is engaged . " Well that was news to me . He certainly didn 't act like someone who was engaged . But then again , did I ? Was I ? I assumed I wasn 't and I 'd been putting off talking to Alcide ever since I 'd decided I didn 't want to end a six - year relationship over the phone - thousands of miles apart . He deserved more than that , and honestly , we deserved more than that . " Hey ! If you 'd shut up and let me explain it might save you some embarrassment when you realize what a dick you sound like right now . The production is in trouble , as you know , and my actress quit . She 's too ill to act , so it left me between a rock and a hard place - " " Alcide ! Are you even hearing what I 'm saying ? I took the role . So those pictures that you 're seeing - that Pam has just this second told me about - are from that . On set , in front of dozens of people and in character . " " I expect you not to just jump to that conclusion , Alcide ! Not after all these years . Jesus ! I 've never cheated on you . Hell , I 've never even thought about it ! " " No , but I did think about it . She was just this model I knew and it would have been easy and you probably wouldn 't have ever found out , but I couldn 't do that to you . Or to us . And the thought that maybe you did , it killed me . " " But you wanted to . Isn 't that the same thing ? I mean , not physically , but in your head you 'd moved on . In your heart - " " In my heart I knew I couldn 't do it . So I didn 't . Not when I thought there was still a chance for us . But the more time we left it , the more I 've realized we 're just putting off the inevitable . " " But we 're doing it like this , aren 't we ? I mean , is this what a break - up talk sounds like … ? I wouldn 't really know . " " I didn 't either , but , Cide we don 't want the same things anymore . And that 's just not fair to either of us . You deserve someone who 's willing to give you what you need , and let you be the guy that she needs above everything else in her life . Because you 're amazing and I do love you . " " And I love you . I think I 've loved you since I knocked you over in that hallway in Brooklyn . " He laughed through what I knew to be his silent man tears . " But you 're right , we both need different things from our lives right now … I don 't really know how to live life without knowing you 'll be there for me , Sookie , " he admitted . " I 'm still here . We 're not dying , or moving to the moon , I 'm always here . Email , text , Twitter , Facebook , you 'll find me everywhere . And you know how addicted I am to my Blackberry … " I joked … well , half joked . I was a technology addict that 's for sure . " I love you too , kid , " he said with that sad tinge to his voice I knew so well . This was the end of us , our coupledom was no more . We weren 't a ' we ' anymore . We were just an ' I ' - alone . The thought was terrifying . I hung up and took a shower . I 'd been in there maybe all of five minutes when it happened . The floodgates opened and I burst into tears . The tears I 'd been holding in all day , all week , all month . " It didn 't look like acting to me . In fact , you seemed very much alive for a dying man . And she ? Oh , do not get me started on that whore . " " Oh , my actual GOD ! Listen to yourself . Yes , it was an intimate scene . Yes , we have a certain chemistry , and yes , it probably looked more … realistic than it should to some people , but isn 't that the point ? We 're trying to sell these characters and to do that we have to make it believable . I won 't apologize for doing a good job . " " Fine , if you say so . But tomorrow you 're mine , and we do what I want . I 'm tired of just waiting around for you to stop working . It 's dull and there aren 't even any designer shops here . What the hell is up with that ? " She insisted we take a walk on the beach since she 'd felt ' bloated ' after dinner . I agreed because it was a beautiful night . Being on the beach , however , only served to bring me back to Sookie - as did everything , it seemed . I couldn 't lie and say I wasn 't worried about her . She was too nervous and under too much pressure with everything that was going wrong . I didn 't know how she was handling it ; I wasn 't sure I could 've had I been in her shoes . " What the fuck ? Sandy , how 'd they know where we were ? I didn 't even tell Hoyt where I was going this morning ! " I let go of her hand almost instantly . Like hell if I was going to line a pap 's pocket even more than I probably already was , as he clicked away . " Oh , Eric don 't get mad just because I don 't like your new boss . You 're almost done with her anyway and we can just go home and get things back to the way they were . Us , hanging out and being cute together . " " She 's … you … Jesus . You know , I knew you were self - obsessed - all us actors are to a point - but this is just downright spiteful . She 's not any of those things , Sandy . She 's amazing and so talented . You can 't even see that because all you think about is yourself and your image . It 's … I 'm so … disappointed in you . " " When we met , you were so different . You were sweet and funny and real . Then we got together and you morphed into this … I don 't even know what . " " Fine , I won 't argue with you . I won 't argue with you at all . I 'm just leaving . It 'll be easier on all of us . You and your pap friends have a nice time on the beach . " She tried to protest through a smile but I just walked off , not really giving a shit what the guy with the telephoto lens thought of me at the moment . I 'd gone to the hotel bar to calm myself down . Wrong decision after wrong decision seemed to haunt me lately . I wanted to know when I 'd start making the right decisions , creating some good karma like Calvin would ramble on and on about . Calvin Norris , my manager of six years , all - around LA self - help junkie and plastic surgery addict . It was his idea to hire Compton Copy , the PR firm known mostly for being viscous and unstoppable in their attempts at getting their clients publicity . They 'd go to any means necessary to do the job . It was over the past eight months that I 'd seen just how far they 'd go to save face . It was really a little ridiculous . What was wrong with being real ? What was wrong with being approachable and attainable ? Being normal ? For so long , throughout my childhood and into my adolescence , I 'd fought ' normal ' like it was the monster under my bed . The last thing I wanted to be was some boring , normal kid from Sweden . I wanted to be loved by everyone , to entertain everyone , and as I got older , I wanted to be seen as more than just ' the cute one ' in a ensemble cast . I wanted to break the mold I 'd spent years allowing other people to put me in . But the harder I tried to be someone else , the harder it became to find a role or a studio that would take me seriously . It happened once and I 'd fucked it up . I hoped I wouldn 't fuck it up twice . " Home . I have things I have to do , and you clearly don 't want me here , so I 'm going . I got a flight out tonight , and I have to leave soon . " She sounded hurt , and for the first time in months , she sounded real . " We all do , but it 's not that easy for some of us . That town , Eric … it 's so cutthroat and if you don 't stay relevant you may as well just pack up and move back to Sweden . If you don 't stay alive in their eyes you may as well be dead . Sad , but true . I 've learned that lesson . So yeah , I fight for my attention because I deserve it . And because there are a dozen more girls coming behind me to take my roles … so I fight and I fight to win . Does that fight always remain clean ? No , but that 's life . It 's my life and it 's your life . And the sooner you drop that idealistic notion that you can be a respected actor and still remain anonymous , the better . " " No . I like you a lot , I really do , and we do have things in common . You 're a great guy when you 're not mad at me , or the world , and I 'm attracted to you - you know that much . So , had Bill not said something , I probably would have flirted with you but stayed with my ex . But he did say something and I did make a move and you responded … so I kept on making moves and you kept on responding . " " I 'm going to LA and I 'm having lunch with some friends . One of them is my ex . What happens from there , I don 't know . But as far as we 're concerned ? The bitterness stops here . I want to be with you , and I 'm giving you the time to decide if you want to be with me . " She petted down my shirt , making sure it was straight . And as it turns out I wasn 't the only one feeling the need to get drunk . I discovered , in a dive of a bar in the middle of Namibia , surrounded by old local guys with missing teeth , Sookie Stackhouse on a bar . Legitimately standing on a bar singing her heart out , drunk as a skunk , providing me with one of the most interesting nights of my life . A / N : Questions , comments , concerns ? What do you like , what do you hate ? I 'm dying to hear from you ! 😀 Chapter 7 : Chapter 7 I walked into a small bar . It was a dive but it had a sign outside for good old fashioned shots of vodka and tequila - the best memory loss tool I 'd found in my time of drinking . It was run down and shoddy . There was a barmaid about my age with long dark hair braided into a large bun on the side of her head . She looked Spanish with a mix of something else . Either way she was beautiful - too beautiful for a place like this . " Maria , you 're awesome ! Isn 't Maria awesome ? " I said to old guy number one on my left . Later , I 'd learn his name was Grandos . Maria was the barmaid 's name . By drink … eight , nine or ten , it was well after dark and I was on my way to passing out . It didn 't happen however , since I was busy hearing both Grandos and Maria 's life stories simultaneously . That 's when the karaoke started up . Where the machine had come from I 'd never know , but it had appeared as well as tiny stage in the corner of the bar . One of the old guys was clearly an Elvis fan , since he was singing Hound Dog in broken English - swiveling hips and all . My cell buzzed for the eighth time that night - Jessica , worried that I 'd just disappeared . Personally , at that moment I wanted to disappear . I wanted to be back in my tiny New York apartment with nothing to worry about other than setting up for a play rehearsal the next day , or shooting photos in the park . Instead , I was in the arse end of Nowhere , Africa with the Internet stalking me , broken up and alone after spending six years with who I assumed was the love of my life - the man I 'd marry one day and be happily ever after with . But we were both wrong and now we were both single . Starting over all alone , the terrifying prospect of that made me nauseous . Or perhaps that was all the Patrón . My actors were sick but they kept going as much as they could . I shot around them where I could , but becoming Dena was not something I 'd scheduled for . I was an actress again ? That definitely wasn 't on the agenda . To make matters worse I 'd gotten two more emails from Pam . In my drunken state I only partly understood them , but apparently footage of Eric and I and that now infamous scene had leaked onto the Internet . There was a frenzy amongst his fans , and apparently a resurgence in interest in him as a leading man . The worst part ? There was a valid interest in me as a leading lady , too . Pam had said in the three hours since the grainy footage went viral , I 'd had three script offers and one studio interested in making a deal with me regarding directing . I was baffled , but too drunk to even attempt to write back to her , unless she was good at decoding drunk - speak . Somehow I got roped into singing . Now , I wasn 't a bad singer - I had a good tone and I did love to sing - but I was drunk , so the usual freak - out reaction didn 't happen . Instead , Maria and I hopped up onto the bar top , old shoddy microphones in hand , and belted out the Robert Palmer classic , Addicted to Love . Though , with Maria 's accent and my slurred words , it was hard to tell what we were addicted to . It was like part of me knew that cutting her loose and being on my own was a good thing , just like part of me knew that being a paparazzi pet wasn 't going to help my career the way I wanted it to . I was a private person , for the most part . If someone asked me something and I wanted to share it with them then I 'd tell them of course , but did that mean that I wanted my entire life on film ? No . If I wanted that , I 'd have done the reality show Bill had suggested . But I didn 't want that . Sure it worked , it got people talking and made everyone millions of dollars and allowed that person to become what they wanted at the cost of forfeiting their name and their existence and sticking it on TV , sticking it on perfume , sticking it on chewing gum for crying out loud . But the other part of me knew , had witnessed firsthand that part of what Sandy was talking about was true . It was a sad truth , but it was still a truth . Sometimes people got lucky . They got noticed and respect and everything , right off the bat . No hassle , no fuss . Then there were some who had to fight for that respect , for that attention . Believing in yourself wasn 't easy all the time , and I realized that somewhere between exiting my teen years and entering my twenties , I 'd lost that faith in myself . More to the point , I stopped believing that I had a valid talent worth sharing , worth working on or attempting to improve . So I took the shitty movies , the two dimensional characters and teen heartthrob roles . The cash was good , staved off the boredom for a little longer and kept my brain semi - occupied . But that was the choice I had to make . Did I want the easy road of shit roles and product endorsement , did I want to be a celebrity , or did I want to be an actor ? " Well , she 's not here , and she 's not answering her phone . We came back from dinner and she wasn 't in her room either . Eric , she never turns that Blackberry off and it 's stuck to her hand or hip twenty - four seven . I 'm worried . " " Oh , Jesus ! What if she 's been kidnapped and sold into a sex slave ring ? It happens you know ! And for a young white woman in her twenties alone in a foreign country ? It 's - " " Jess … you need to calm down , " Hoyt interjected , thankfully . " Eric 's right . She 's probably just off chilling by herself for a little while , that 's all . " " I 'm worried , though . She 's been through so much lately . Between the production going all but tits up and things with her fiancé ending like it did … she 's in bits but she won 't say it . " " Um , she broke up with him . He wanted a family and the whole nine yards and well , I guess she doesn 't … so they ended things . It has to be so hard on her , on both of them . Six years is nothing to be sneezed at . " " Okay , look , I 'll go up towards the bars and the shops and see if I see her . You two try the beach and ask the other guys - if you seem them - have they seen her . Call me if you find her . " The strangled sounds of Addicted to Love were being belted out , by one Miss Sookie Stackhouse and her pretty female friend , and duet partner . They stopped and bowed and ignored the small crowds pleas for more . She spotted me and simply rolled her eyes as I walked over and offered her my hand in attempts to get her down on solid ground again . " He givin ' you trouble So - key ? " asked an old guy with white hair to her left . His dark skin betrayed his age , and his large brown eyes fixated on me . He was far older than me but something told me if he wanted to , he could kick my ass . " Well , I don 't want to talk right now , I want to sing ! So either get up here and sing with me , or leave . " She cocked her hip and raised her brow the customers in the bar all giving her their full attention . We both stood out like two big blonde sore thumbs in that bar . It was almost funny what a contrast we provided . " You 've got to be kidding me … " I mumbled as Sookie downed another shot and handed me my first . I 'd need it to kick in real fast as she started to sing . " Hey kids , shake it loose together . The spotlight 's hitting something … " She hit me on the arm laughing as I finally stood up too , my head almost hitting the roof in the process . The tiny crowd clapped and cheered and I began backing up Sookie 's out of tune singing . " You 're gonna hear electric music , solid walls of sound , " I took solo before we launched , Bennie and the Jets and according to Sookie - there was electric boobs underneath her shoes . She said it every time . And every time it caused me to crack the hell up . We were joined on our tiny ' stage ' by the barmaid who 's name I 'd learned was Maria . She had pipes , that girl . We took our bow , mine more awkward and much more sober than Sookie 's and she let me lift her off the bar . We danced to more bad karaoke , we drank more than she should have since she was already on her way to a shit - tastic hangover as it was , but we did . We danced and we drank and I enjoyed what seemed like a carefree Sookie again . She was laughing and bonding and handsy - the girl liked to touch . Not that I was complaining in the slightest , flirting insistently under the guise of just innocent dancing . It was far from innocent , at least from where I was standing . The look in her eyes when she 'd push herself up against me , or snake her hands to my sides ' accidentally ' grazing my skin as I ' accidentally ' grazed hers . Two more shots of tequila later and she was done . " I drank too much . Ha ! " she said as she leaned against the wall . " I hate shoes . I mean , I love shoes , but I hate them , too . Stupid heels . " " Just … you . Your life . It 's all one big escape . Your career was falling down but what did you do ? Nothing . Instead of trying to fix it , you just ignored it and it got worse and worse and then that sucky choice system of yours bled into your personal life , and look how good that 's been going lately . " " Of my business ? Please ! Sure , it 's not my business but it 's the business of the rest of the world ? Weird . Huh ? " It was the question I 'd been asking myself since she showed up at the hotel in LA . Where did that faith come from ? Where did the belief in me come from when I didn 't even have any in myself . " How do you know that , Sookie ? Maybe I 'm not … maybe what I had is gone . Maybe this was a huge mistake … So tell me , how do you know ? " " Because I just do , okay ? I know you . I knew you - the kid with all that talent just busting at the seams , waiting to be tapped into and explored . But you didn 't . You half - assed it . And that 's the pity about this whole thing . You bought into it . You bought into those people really loving you and wanting you and respecting you , when in reality all they were doing was using you . For their own amusement , or for profit , or for some kind of gain to help them . And you bought into the lie . You never buy the lie , you sell the lie … Sweetie , " she added . The bitterness more evident now . " And are you selling the lie or buying it ? This relationship of yours , it 's done . It 's been done since you got here but you played it up like it was the best thing that ever happened to you . " " What the hell would you know about a real honest to God relationship , Eric ? What you have with Barbie doesn 't count . It doesn 't count if it 's your agent 's or your publicist 's idea . " " I 'm going home , " she pouted , standing up shakily this time . I tried to help her but she was having none of that . " I can find my own way , thank you very much . You aren 't stealing my shoes again ! " " I think that about me , so why wouldn 't you ? I 'm just a stupid girl with ideas above her talent . I had all these big plans , Eric . And they all fell flat … the production is a wash , everything is wrong , I hate being in charge - God , I hate it so fucking much . I want help . I want someone else to worry about the shot listings and the actors and the script and if we have enough money on budget for what we 're doing , or if people will even like it . Will it even see the light of day , will all this be for nothing ? I just want to forget it all , just forget it ever existed . Can you make me forget it all , Eric ? " I couldn 't answer those questions because I didn 't know what to say . I just wanted to make her stop crying . I wanted to make her smile , but I couldn 't think of a single word to say to make that happen . So I didn 't say anything , instead I used action instead of words for once . I kissed her finally as Eric and she kissed me back as herself , as Sookie . Not Ryan and Dena . There was no pain , no tragic back story , no death . The only pain that was felt came when I began pulling away from her to breathe . There was no dialogue to remember , no crew standing around watching , no sound mics , no cameras . There was only lust , and that need to feel something real . For the first time in a long time , I did . That need radiated from both of us as I backed her up against the old brick building , falling down at it seams , lit only by that one little orange light . It provided all the heat we needed as we explored each other with our hands and with our kisses . She didn 't stop it , and neither did I . There was that underlying hunger to her kissing that spurned me on even more than before . We broke apart , briefly , awkwardly , in an attempt to get out of the street and into the hotel before either one of us talked ourselves out of what we wanted to happen . A / N : Hi there again , this daily updating thing starting to bore you yet ? I have a problem , I know ! It 's like an addiction … or can we blame the epics amounts of caffeine I consume ? Eh , who knows ! Thank you all again and again for the review love and adds ! It 's amazing and so encouraging you have no idea ! And for those of you asking , there IS a Life , Accidental sequel on the way , I just wanted to get this baby off the ground before we go back to the other two , they can be just as demanding ! 😀 Reviews are loved xoox . " Write without pay until somebody offers to pay " - Mark Twain . Welcome to the WP extension of the rambles of Chanel Addict . Poke around , stay a little while , get comfortable ! x June 2017 |
So , what 's the plan Stan ? … Ma has flown over from a wet and cold England , and she is not convinced that the 38 Deg C weather we have been having will be warm enough for her ! but , I am hoping she can relax , have the occasional glass of wine , and spend time with no pressure to anything ! … . and of course , for her to spend two weeks with her Grandson . The one thing that does hurt me about living here is being away from my family , and taking Ma 's Grandson here , but that 's life , and that 's something I have to live with . I hope that she can have fun , laughing , teaching some English and getting to know him . We will spend the first few days just at home , all of us spending time with Matej , and just relaxing and enjoying catching up , the farm , swimming and the occaisional glass of wine … On Monday we pack everything up and head to the stunning Slovak Mountains , The Tatras Mountains . It is a beautiful part of the country , very old fashioned , and we will find some old villages and what I think is the ' real ' Slovakia . Ma has never been , so we are looking forward to some walks , again relaxation , some water fun at the local pool , and . . well … you know … the occasional glass of wine . As I said in my blog a few days back , I have been travelling a fair amount for work recently . Those who have been reading my blog from the early days know that travel is a passion of mine , and I love to get on planes and head to new places . I love airports . They are normally very happy places , with family and friends heading off to new exciting places . I will often sit in a departure lounge and look at all the outgoing flights , and wishing I could choose just one of them . When my work asked me to basically act as a courier with some parts for my Customer in Illinois , I eagerly accepted . It was to be my first trip back to USA soil since my rapid , and unplanned departure a few years before . Chance for me to see a new city , Chicago , and time to have some refreshed memories of a country I really enjoyed living in . After my return home , I assumed that would be all of my travels , but as our business with CAT and my role grew and developed , I am now about to plan my 7th trip out to the USA in about 8 months . But … . Something happened on my last trip that has made life a little easier … I have accumulated enough flights with BA to become a Silver Executive Member … . Now I get a few perks that most people probably think " What a tosser " as I walk past … . With my Silver Card I get to use the Exec Lounges at Vienna , Heathrow and O ' Hare . This means free internet at every airport ( Heathrow and O ' Hare charge ) , I get quiet surroundings , peace and quiet from the masses , free food and any alcohol , coffee I want . Newspapers , waitress service , showers , private bathrooms … . . bloody lovely . This can also add up to some savings . Airports are not cheap places to eat or drink . On one recent trip via JFK , I paid over $ 10 for a beer ! Fuck that ! O ' Hare is also a shocking airport , the Int Terminal has nothing to do , one small , expensive bar , ( Where I happened to meet a Slovak working behind the bar ! ) and one shop , both BEFORE you clear security . At least now I can get through early , and still have a beer , tweet and FB rubbish … . . Another bonus for me is not having to queue when I transfer through Term 3 to Term 5 in London . I get to bypass the queues and go through the fast track immigration . I also get to board the plane first , meaning I have those few minutes to find space for my bag , unpack and get settled and have a beer before the herds of clients are pushed onto the plane … . Just the small things make flying easier . So , do I love this travel . Honestly no . I miss time away from Miska and my boy . The place I travel to I know too well now , there is no thrill of landing in that new place to see new things . It 's business , longs drives , meetings , entertaining in the evening , and of course Jet Lag … . Which I suffer from terribly going out to the USA , never on my return , but always going out . There are long days , early start to work with the company back here , then long days making the most of my time there , then often solitary night in a bar , or entertaining people you really would want to spend your free time with , but you have to … because they are your clients … He is now 22 months , and I think , although I have no idea , most little ones are jabbering away inanely by now ? … . My boy does not . He has limited vocabulary , and I can tell you his words here very quickly = Ma Ma , Da Da , Goooooal , Ta , Car … I think thats about it ! With me travelling once a month as well , I am worried that he will be getting more Slovak than English , and I really want him to be learning both right away . My Slovak is not strong enough , and also , I want him to be able to talk and understand my Mum and his Aunties and Uncles . This is so important for me . So , does anyone have experience of a dual speaking family and small child ? I have been told that they just naturally speak both , swapping from one language to the other without hesitation and with any problems . I guess his brain does not resist this , unlike mine when trying to learn Slovak , my brain comes up with its own logic , rules and sometimes pig headedness that English is the only way ! He understands both easily , If I tell him something in English , he gets it , in Slovak too . He understand , and ignores both ! I know I want him to talk , helping him , encouraging him , before long I will just be wishing he would shut up for two mins ! ! ! What makes this even harder for me what that I was away on one of my USA trips . He has been very ill because of a near fatal dog attack he had about 6 weeks ago . He went through a 3 hr operation , 40 stitches and was in a very bad way . With lots of tlc , rest he was finally though all this , the wound had healed well , and he was allowed back to play with Meg , and carry on with his adventurous little life , including escaping still ! Sadly , it was the escaping that finally laid him to rest . As a small dog , he runs through the grass , not over it , out here in Slovakia , we have lots of Tics , nasty little things , and I am regularly pulling them off him , some from Meg and even the cat . We had the most expensive collars for them both , but , there was nothing could be done for the amount he was getting . The Tics are nasty fuckers , carrying viruses , and this is what he caught . With him being very tired from the operation before , he just did not have the strength to fight this . Just before I went away , I thought he was a little quiet , but eating well , and the weather was hot , so I thought nothing of it , then , Tuesday morning , M called me in the USA , saying Bilbo wasn 't well , not eating , and she had called Domi our Vet . It was all too late , he had lots of blood in the urine , and his kidneys had failed , even as Domi put him on a drip , to see him through the night he peacefully slipped away to the doggie kennel in the sky . I came home on Saturday , our kind builder had helped bury him , but for me , it was still a shock . I left him one day he was ok , came home later , and he is just gone , no more . I didn 't even get time to think he might be ill , he just might not make it . Just am empty bowl to store away , and empty bed to put in the garage , and only one dog to feed at night . Sunday was a surprising day , in Slovakia , Father 's Day really is not celebrated , and last year , it pretty much went past with nothing doing . About a month ago , I mentioned to M that I wanted to have a Father 's Day , as I have always dreamt about having a day for me that we always recoginised and celebrated for my Dad . I honestly thought she would forget … . but … . We had a perfect day , and Matej was the perfect little boy . I was woken as always at 6 am with cries of " Ma Ma " … " Da Da " and Monkey woke and wanted to get up … . after his feed , he wandered off , and took " Ma Ma " with him , leaving me to snooze . This did not last long as I was roused from my slumber with a Red , Double Decker bus on the nose … . as you do … . We spent the morning pottering about , kicking the ball around , breakfast etc before heading off swimming . Summer is here for us , touched 33 Deg C yesterday , and the local pool has a retractable roof , and is perfect for Matej . He loves the water , and now is an age where he is more independent , and more and more fun . He spent time hanging onto the edge , and watched all the girls walking by ( thats my boy ! ) . After an hr , time to head out , and he is always good at leaving , no tantrums or tears , just a wave goodbye to the pool and into the showers . With that we headed to the shops for Miska to buy some clothes , and Matej running and giggling , me chasing after him ! Then to Tesco , and then the drive home . This is the tough part , because we really did not want him to fall asleep in the car . We like him to be in his bed for his 2 hr , afternoon snooze . He was a very tired little boy , but with window opening , tractor spotting , and finally hanging out of the sun roof , we made it home for his pm sleep . It was now very hot outside , and when he woke , all he wanted to do was play football ! , I lasted for a while , but conceded to the heat , and took him back into the cool of the house . Finally , to venture back out as M cooked . So , what do do with him now . . easy … . On these days I miss my Dad , he died of cancer when I was 19 . I was very lucky , in my eyes , I had the perfect Dad , he worked hard Mon - Fri , but weekends he always spent with us , swimming , in the garden , up to Northchurch Common , taking us places , I always remember him being around . working hard in the garden , bad DIY … never off to the pub , but around as a family . I want to do the same , to finally have a Father 's Day for me . . well , it felt like a very special , Proud day ! I am rather proud of this to be honest , I very rarely sit back and think I have achieved anything , but I think I have here . If you remember , or even care , I got this job here out of the blue . I was all ready to be a house husband , with M going back to work full time . While she was on Maternity leave , the CEO of the company called me and asked to talk to me . So , I came into to see them , and luckily I had a suit . clean shirt on ( you only ever get 1 chance to make a first impression ) and they asked me to start immediately . The company was in a lot of trouble , we had taken over one of our competitors , and quickly realised we were in a real mess , and basically , they needed semi - intelligent people to help handle angry customers , organise parts through production , and ultimately deliver the parts on time . Over the 1st 4 months , I got to grips with this relatively fast , and time here began to drag , and I found myself have far too much time free , which leaves me very bored . I approached people and asked for more work , but nothing really came up . The chance came along that they needed someone to help organise part delivery to our biggest customer , Caterpillar , in the USA … I can do that I thought … So there you go , I now run , organise , manage the whole of the project , delivery and customer expectation for our biggest customer . My people skills are my thing , that 's what I am good at , and I think people have been impressed with my ability to take on and ask for work . We have had a lot of issues in the USA , so I have always said I would go , once within 12 hrs notice , and face the music . I am not too sure many wives would get this , but with M working here as well , she understands the importance of these visits . I am due back to the USA again in 10 days time . The client loves the fact I am prepared to these things , and not hide away from problems . I like the challenge We both have huge workloads and responsibility , this week alone , M has to go for 2 days to Austria , this means I have to be away from here at 4pm for Matej . We bth try to make sure the other gets decent work times , and as she is senior management , I sacrifice certain things at work so she can attend . We both cannot attend meetings that run into the evening . The balance works , I am very pleased how this has gone from a surprise job in a industry I knew nothing about , to a proper career that I really enjoy . How I went from Credit Insurance to Off Highway Automotive parts is a mystery , but you roll with the punches and give things 110 % , you just never know where you might end up … . Vienna Airport it seems … . Life is funny sometimes ! Daily I read the news from the BBC website , mainly the sport , but also the headlines . I confess I have no real desire to hear about the US Presidential race , or the collapse of the Euro , but , I do try to read most of it . Last week , I found 2 - 3 stories I really wish I had not come across You kinda see my point here … . Now , I haven 't got my rose tinted specs on here . There are nasty crimes here , Aug 2010 a gunman killed 6 in Bratislava , the mafia still has a hold of people and money here … but , in general , the news lead story will be of a nasty car crash . Very sad for those involved , but … not the horrific news I see in other parts of the world . Where to start , well , most of the time , he has that beautiful , cheeky smile , and a giggle that makes you want to roll on the floor and laugh with him . He has his moments , what 21 month old doesn 't ! , but , it seems to pass within a few seconds . Normally because he looks up , and sees that me and Miska have just walked away from him …… He never ever just walks anywhere … why is he always in such a rush ! he has a few scars now , a couple of trips to A & E for stitches . He eats pretty well , rejects chocolate for Olives , eats cherries off the trees , and does love a drop of his father 's beer ! We are still in a strict routine with him , and it works . He naps for his 2 hrs in the afternoon , and after bath time , he dresses , feeds , and then to sleep , regular as clock work , from 7 . 30pm , to 6am every single night . He loves his bath time , seems to enjoy washing Dad 's tattoo ( no , it won 't come off Son ) , pulling his willy , weeing in the bath , flooding the floor , and giggling throughout . He is not too keen on the hair drier , but , without fail , he runs to get Dad his towel ! He is struggling to talk . I think this is because of the dual language . He understands both , but , to actually get him talking I think will take a little longer , currently is Da , Muma and Goooaaaallllllll ! ! ! He yells alot ! , but is quite a gentle child . All you other parents will all sigh , and say " I know … " but he is clever little sod . Always findings things to stand on to climb up to something he wants , it 's always dangerous when it goes quiet ! He loves the dogs , but we keep him away from Bilbo , but Meg is his soul mate , the play and play , she is so gentle with him as he tugs her ears , and tries to throw her ball . Always wary , never on their own , but it is great to watch . He is obsessed with tractors , having two farms in the village I am not surprised . They often give him a quick drive , or he is yelling , making tractor noises . He loves the pigs , goats and cows on his Aunties farm , and will " Mooooo " with the best of them ! So , as you would expect , he is my life , adorable , amazing , frustrating and a wonder . I look at him and just cannot believe how this little soul is part of my life , 99 % of the time for better . An incredible feeling , a love I can never explain , a tiredness that only parents know about , and a proudness for watching my Son ! Really am not sure why , but I think I will start to blog again . To be fair , I am not too sure why I stopped . I think with all the blogging about the house , and the arrival of Matej , things seem to get very dull , and then just naturally seemed to come to a close . Friendships . . Mine seem to be going only one way … Maybe I am just in a down mood , but I feel that my friendships always come from me . I am a person that likes to be in touch , like to keep the friends he has , and values them very highly . Apart from maybe a couple of you , and I think you know who you are , my friends communications only ever comes when I email someone . I don 't think I am being negative , but just an honest thought . I have twitter friends that only react when I send mails , I have email friends who only ever react when I email first , the same can be said of texting as well . Living remotely from all of my close friends , electronic communication and social networking site is how I continue to maintain my friendship links , but surely this should go both ways ? Maybe I should just stop , see what happens ? Maybe my friends have got used to the fact I will always start an exchange in emails or msgs ? But , somehow I doubt that . I think , if I stopped contacting people first , my communications with people would just end , and that I find sad and strange . It makes me sad that people do not value the friendship as highly as I do . I place my friends at a very high level , but maybe I am kidding myself . Maybe I am not high on their list , and they have 50 other people they do have regular contact with , and it happens I am too low on that list for them to initiate the first contact . Happy to be friendly and to respond , but never to think . . " Hmmm , wonder how Moon is getting on ? " Now , there are some exceptions , but in general , this is how I am feeling . If I didn 't bother to make the contact , see how things are in other people 's world , I am guessing they probably wouldn 't even notice … . . YAY ! ! ! … Finally , just under 1 year of removing the first brick from the wall in the attic , we have moved to our new home . It is all a bit of a mess , but it is OUR mess . As anyone who has moved will know , it takes time to unpack , then re - organise and then re - organise again , but we just don 't care . we are in our home . Our first home to own as a couple , and of course , our first home with Matej . People that have followed this story know the sweat and tears we have put into this project , and the exhaustion felt , esp over the final month of finishing things to a standard that we could move in . Unpacking was a lot of fun . You have to remember , we packed to go to the USA after only 6 months together , I packed things away that Mrs M had never seen , so to finally unpack and have things about after 4 years was great , so really nice surprises . Then , for us to unpack things we shipped back from the USA was also good fun , Matej obviously helping ! This is the view from my bedroom door , right down to the entrance . On the left are the doors and windows leading outside to the patio , with the streaming sunshine lighting up the place , and then to the right is the house … the Living Room , Dining Room and the Kitchen … all open . . We will have some comfy chairs here , so in the future we can enjoy a coffee looking out into our garden . For now , its a great runway for Matej . . ! Ok , here is the sitting room , complete with my fireplace . We have now got the grate and fire guard , and have had the fire alight for the last two evenings . Perfect end to the day ! It burns perfectly , and gives the whle room a wonderful Atmosphere . Just need a roasting pan for my chestnuts ! lots to be done here , but for now , it is what it is … my place to sit , put my feel up and have a little rest … Into the kitchen and dining room areas … We still have some doors to be fitted in the kitchen , and at some point we will be having a range cooker installed , but for now we will cook on the old cooker . We have a dishwasher , old farm sink , waste disposal unit . We love the new wooden work tops , although I am little anal when it comes to people not using coasters ! ! ! So , we are moved in , and now we will start to make it a home . I already feel relaxed here , even though the stress of trying to do all the jobs we have , get things into places we want them , having Matej quite poorly for a week … it is fun . Matej loves the space , the soft carpet , his room and the fact he can run the whole length of the house . The underfloor heating is really great , takes some time to get it right , either swealtering , or cold , but we are getting there . The dogs are happy too , They are not so keen to escape anymore , and they will settle in the sun when they are not chasing each other round the garden . We still have so much to do , but … . we are here , in our home … . . Wonderful ! So , can you believe it , because I most certainly can 't . Today is the day that we move into our cottage in the sleepy village of Medvecké . Finally . Those of you who have followed this story will know the journey we have had from 100 yr old , outdated , traditional Slovak cottage to the new home that is ours . I won 't lie , it has been very tough . We have been lucky with our builder who I cannot praise highly enough . You hear so many horror stories with builders , we have simply the best there is . We were lucky that we didn 't really uncover any major surprises along the way , but then again , we expected to knocked down , re - wire , re - plumb the whole place anyway , not too many surprises when you have plans to redevelop 90 % of the place . That said , never ever think these thiongs are easy , they put huge strain and pressure on you and a relationship . . be warned Pictures will follow once we get a little more sorted out , but we are so happy with the place . It hasn 't really hit me yet that I will not have to be sitting on a kitchen chair ( my arse is sore from two years of that chair ) to use the laptop . I can now go back to enjoying my Parents - in - laws company . Without their support , no way could this of happened so easily , and I am ashamed and angry at myself for not realising this more and thinking more before getting angry and frustrated with them . They are wonderful people , hearts as big as Slovakia , doing all they can just to help us . Sometimes they help too much , and lovely as they are , I do not want to live with them . As lovely as all my readers are , I do not want to live with you . The transformation of the old to new has been incredible . I watched an old video clip I took back in Feb , and just watched in amazement . I love the fact that when I now walk around the new place , I can still feel , smell , visualise the old walls , furniture , structure of the place . Even though we have redesigned the house , I hope we have kept its soul . It has been wonderful to open boxes we packed from our time in the USA , even more , boxes I packed that my wife has never seen , and from her storage , old things she hasn 't seen for 8 years . We are stating our new life now . Matej loves , simply LOVES the new place . He runs on the carpets , makes snow angels when he can , and it is so much safer that the PIL house for him . We have wonderful under floor heating … so so good ! … . So , now we can settle , take our time to fit into our home . Well , not too much time , my Brother and his wife arrive tomorrow for a weekend ! ! ! still , it will be wonderful to share some time with them , and invite , and all others into our home … but , just give it a week before you come over please ! * * * * * * * * UPDATE * * * * * * * * After the tough time he had of damaging his shoulder , limping about and biting me in pain , he took a nasty turn for the worst on Thursday . He was also a very lucky lad . Sometimes things just happen for a reason , good or bad , and this time it happened to occur for the good ! I had Meg on her chain , and I whistled for Bilbo to return so I could lock him up for the night in his new kennel . He slowly , decides to limp over , and with me in a huge rush , as always , I lost patience with him , so I walk over to scope him up , and give him a helping hand to his kennel . As I go to pick him up , I feel his stomach , like a football ! . . I mean , hard , swollen and big ! Well , big for the little fella anyway . I had noticed earlier , about 30mins before , he had eaten really well , that 's always a good sign after an illness or accident . I decided that his had a tummy full of food , so I chained him , and walked to the car . As I walked , I had a nagging feeling . I know dogs , I have had many of them over the years , and I just knew something was not quite right . Luckily for me , my cousin over here is a young Vet , about to qualify , so I thought I should call her . I described what had happened and she said , very quickly , " get him over to me now , that is not right " . So , I took Matej home to Grandma , loaded the limping , sad looking Bilbo into the car , and headed over to her place . After a quick examination , in the road , in the pissing rain , she quickly decided that Bilbo had to go to surgery immediately So , she dashed him off the her surgery , leaving me to just sit a wait . I had a call about 8pm , he was in a tough situation . They could not get him to vomit up enough of the food to release the swollen tummy , so they had to operate . I gave my permission , and just waited … nervously … I got the call later on to say that the operation was a success . They removed nearly 2kg of food from his stomach , and he should recover just fine . I was so relieved , and yes , I cried again . . ( yes a big girl , but he is my dog , my ickle Bilbo ) … . The issue was the fact he had eaten so much dried food , then drank a lot of water , and his system couldn 't digest it all , and the added water caused the food to swell . Interesting , this has never been an issue before , and isn 't with Meg at all . But , lesson learnt , soak the food properly first , and use less of it , to mix with wet food as well . He has not got a place inside as he recovers , needs further injections ( which he does not like ) and he will be ready , in a week , to join his beloved Meg . Meg , incidentally is a sad hound to , every time I let her off her leads , she simply rushes to Bilbo 's kennel , only to find it empty . Bilbo is a lucky boy . Lucky I went to lift him up , Lucky I decided something wasn 't right , Lucky I have a wonderful cousin who reacted immediately . If we had not of taken the action we did , She said he certainly would have died in the night . Thankfully , he is a sad , but getting better little dog ! I was bitten for the fist time by a dog . A proper , full on , ' prise the jaws of my hand ' kind of bite ! The sad thing about this , it came from my loving , softest , friendly little wandering soul of Bilbo . As normal , happens at least once a day , lead by Meg , the two little sods decided to escape and go walk about in the village . I am not to bothered by this anymore , but I feel I am responsible if my two dogs are annoying other villager 's dogs who are kept in their own gardens , so I dutifully whistle ( glad I learnt to do that when I was young ) Finally , Meg comes dashing up to me , which is strange , as Bilbo is normally the one to return first . In the distance I can now see Bilbo dashing towards me , but not in his normal bouncy style , but is a run for you life , low to floor dash . As he gets close my heart begins to break . I can see he is only on 3 legs , his front left leg dragging and flopping about . I am sure it is broken . He dashes past me , and into the large drainage channel , scared , shivering and not moving . I cannot reach him , and nothing is making he move . He was so scared , shaking , crying … . Broke my heart . I sprint Meg back home , ready to face the worst with Bilbo . I as run back to the road , he come rushing up to me , still on three legs , with the third just hanging down . He lets me scope him up , and just shakes in my arms . I take him home , sit quietly , and examine him the best I can . The good news was that the leg wasn 't broken , marked , and just painful , he just lay so still in my arms , I thought I was about to lose him . I took him to his kennel , got a blanket and just lay him down , sat with him , stroking him , and wondering what else I could do . I think he was either hit by a car , or bitten by another dog . I am not sure . He is quite a timid soul , but who knows . I took him another blanket , and as I tried to get him comfy , he suddenly snapped and locked onto my hand . For a small dog , I can assure you he has a big bite . I had to prise his jaws off me . I did swear . I left him alone to settle , he was so still , motionless , shallow breathing , in shock . I could do nothing , I sat on my house steps and cried . I could not bear the thought of him just slipping away . After a few mines of this , I decided to act my full 40 years , get up off my arse , and check him again . He was sleeping , so I left him for a couple of hrs . I returned , he wagged his tail , stood slowly , and I genuinely felt he looked sorry for biting me . Not his fault at all , if you poke anything hard enough , it will react . He ate well , and I let him off his lead , and he limped over to see Meggie . Throughout the night he was ok , and this morning , looked 10x 's stronger . I think I might over reacted , but he looked in so much pain , and so forlorn … . . Just shows how much we love our pets … . These were not your normal house stairs , these were the stairs that lead up into the attic . I have been up and down these stairs a fair amount , and admittedly had a couple of wobbles on occasions , but never took a tumble . Yesterday afternoon I certainly did . I was moving the first of our boxes from their 2 year vacation in the attic , and rather than moving the shoes from the side of the steps , I thought it would be best ( easiest ) to step aside of them . So , when I was in the Kermit position ( Where he was not at the bottom , and not at the top , about the stair where the little green fucker stops ) , maybe he tripped me , … I realised that my center of gravity was a little too far back , and that point when you just know there is no coming back . With my hands full of this bastard chest of drawers , I just knew the worst was coming … Oh fucking hell I might of yelled … At the base of these stairs , there is no room . The is a cupboard full of stuff and the hoover also lives there , not the most comfortable for my peachy arse to land on . I crashed , from about 10ft up , into said cupboard , with one foot still lodged on the Kermit step … . . bugger Ouchee … . the drawers landing on me , and stressing my knee to bend the wrong way , which , btw , it does not like . Some of my readers know I suffer from bad knees , and I was pretty sure this wasn 't going to help … . As I landed , I managed to crash through the two wardrobe draws on the cupboard , pull them off with my tracksuit bottom , now indecently ripped btw , and lodge myself in this prone position … . I might , just might of said a few colorful words at this point . My twitter friends will all know I have been painting … . sodding painting . After a days work in the office , it 's a question of dashing home , getting changed and heading to the house to paint . Not an easy job at all . Fresh plaster seems to just drink the paint , so 3 coats required all over , and of course , having those wonderful Oak Beams also means I have to take care painting between each and every one . The two bedrooms are done , the kitchen is done , but a fair few still to go . We have finished the windows and doors . It was a huge thing to be able to leave the house on Tuesday and actually shut the door behind us . In the 18 months we have owned this place , we have never closed the house off . It has always been open for people to wander in , the dogs to wander in and out and for workers to see it as a building site , now we can close the doors … it 's a house . We have removed the delightful outside toilet , and are finishing off this small roof that comes off the garage . This used to be for chooks and pigs , but will be my store for tools etc . Comes off the garage which has now had a new concrete floor to it as well . The kitchen is now half fitted … How cool is that ! We have all the appliances being stored at our builders house , we will be moving those in right away … We have my pride and joy , and about 3 weeks solid work from the builder to have this … . My Fireplace . This is an all English fireplace , Slovaks never have anything like this , and I am very proud to have designed and help create this . I have to give huge credit to Maros , the care , commitment to making this look perfect has been incredible . It looks easy to build right ? well , the guts of this has been near impossible . To cut and shape the bricks to fit around the shell of the fireplace has be slow , painfully slow … . I love it , it has always been my dream to have a house with a fireplace like I have always known at My Mum 's , and now I have my own . With a mirror , a companion set , and a few other parts , it will be just perfect ! That 's the date my brother and his lovely wife come to visit us for the third time in Slovakia . So , we must be moved in by then . The place won 't be finished , that will never happen I feel ( think about the painting of the Golden Gate Bridge … . . ) but , we will be ready for them . I am pleased that we have been set this date for them , it gives us the goal , the aim , that we have to be sorted by then . Autumn is here now , although we have stunning days , the nights are now cold , and more importantly , becoming damp and foggy . The damp will get into the house if we do not get a move on and get living there . So , what are we up to ? Well , a few things ( there 's a surprise ) … Work is manic for us both . Our company is getting stronger and busier , which leads us to be busier and busier . My role as a Program Manager for our newest , and biggest customer is challenging me , and keeping me of mischief , and Mrs M role as product development manager is running her off her socks . I have the client visiting this week , so that will involve some late nights , and then Mrs M has to go to a ' bonding ' course for managers , which takes her away until Saturday morning , leaving me to do the daddy stuff at home . Along side this , we have money to organise , more and more builders to organise and supervise , and for me , I now have a full time job working at the house . This week , any spare time I have I will be painting . Sounds easy , but when you have a whole house to paint , inside and outside , that 's a lot of painting ! Fresh plaster takes an extra coat as well , and with my wonderful beams , even more work in preparation and covering them ! I have so far spent two weeks doing this , and so far , two rooms are complete , ready for the carpet to be sorted . I will now start at the other end of the house , the kitchen . White , white and white is the order of the day here . Might change our minds later , but for now , we have no idea on what colour we would really like , need to get a feel for the place . What else this week … Well , our builder should finish all inside work . The fireplace is the key , and then a trap door for the wine cellar ( added numerous grey hairs this week as Matej toddles towards the opening ! ) … . The kitchen tiles are all down ( looks brilliant ) and the kitchen will be fitted next weekend . On Weds , we have the final doors fitted . This means , after owning the place for 15 months , we will have keys , and we can lock our doors . For 15 months , the house has been open to anyone , or indeed anything ( hate rats ) who wants to come on in . We have been very lucky over the things we have just left in the house , nothing has gone missing … . That 's why we love our village ! All in all , we are on track … just need the boiler to be moved ( like we knew you had to have it a meter from the electric box ! ) and a new door knocked through to accommodate this , the furnace is ordered , needs to be fitted , and I think that is about it … . Carpets delivered , bathroom to be finished , toilets fitted , but bacteria for the waste recycling … anything I have forgotten … probably ! 2 Comments It has been about 4 years since I left England , headed out to California , and then came to settle into Slovakia . Things have changed in my life more than they ever have before . That 's not supposed to happen to a 40 yr old right ? I mean , are we not supposed to be settled in Suburbia with the Ford in the driveway , and the 2 . 4 children running around … . I always thought that would be you know , but how different could my life be ? I don 't think I know of anyone out there who has had such a roller coaster of a ride in life . Don 't get me wrong , apart from my Dad 's death back when I was 18 , it has all be self induced . I made these choices , and I am sure most of them have been the correct choice ? After all , at 40 , I am happier than I ever have been . I have more in my life that I ever imagined possible , so that means the choices I have made have all be correct . It amazes me sometimes how easily I and Mrs M seem to take tough choices . I decided to quit my City job in a few days to follow her to the USA . With 12 hrs of me learning I had lost my job whilst in Canada , and could not return back home , we decided I would fly back to England and Mrs M would follow as soon as she could . We decided within a day or so to come to Slovakia and buy a small piece of land here , and to build a place … . . we then also took the decision with a day of buying this old cottage , change our plans of the old land , sell and rebuild the cottage we are now so close to moving into … . So , how come we can make these decisions so fast ? are we reckless ? Are we lucky they work out ? … . I would say no to both of these . I would say a couple of things , make a choice , and wholeheartedly give it a go , after all , you can always change that choice right ? … and I never ever want to die wondering …? . . I never want to look back and say ' I wonder if ' … Now , I know all of the choices we made were before Matej , and that obviously changes how reckless we can be , but I still think we will always makes choices quickly and then look forward rather than to look back . . A huge leap forward in the building of the house . This was the last major work we had to get completed . Obviously , underfloor heating effects the whole house , but also , with this complete , we have our final floor now laid as well . It is not a cheap option , and certainly not an easy option . Lots of preparation goes into laying the heating , but we are so happy now it is done . I walked around the house on Sunday Morning , and I felt like a giant ! from day 1 , until now , we have raised the floor by over 40cms . That is a huge amount of concrete , and for the first time , the ceilings were not miles above me . The windows are now at the correct height , the fireplace can be visualized properly … . . It really feels like a home now . . So , this first picture is of the hallway leading into the bathroom . I include this one because it is the only photo I have that shows the polystyrene layers before the black , pipe holding layer went down . Maros and I spent 12 long hours laying this stuff down . I HATE the ' squeaky ' sound of polystyrene , so 12 hrs of fitting , cutting , squeezing in the bloody stuff , over every inch of the house like a huge jigsaw puzzle was no fun ! It is best to do this in two layers ( 5cm each ) for better insulation , but you have to make sure the joints do not match with each layer . On top of this , goes the black , plastic layers that will hold the pipes in place . Again , fitted all over the house … . I didn 't fit this , this is where we had the experts come in . Once all the pipes have gone in , tested and fitted to the two manifolds we have , the concrete men come in . It took the guys two days to complete the pipework , they were excellent , worked long days , fast , tidy , and have done a great job . The concrete men then pumped the first layer of concrete all over the house . This is special concrete designed for this application , and after letting it set over night , the following day they came and completed the job . Again , fast , clean , good guys who have done a great job . So , where now . . well , we have the patio doors and external doors to come , they will be with us in 2 weeks . We have the fireplace to finish , and on Monday , the kitchen is starting to go in … . . On Monday , we are going to buy the paint , so I can start to paint the place from Tuesday onwards … and we have chosen carpets and tiles … . so , nearly our pain , and yours for reading this blog … is coming to end … we hope … . I have plans to be living here within a month …… Hiring workers in Slovakia are a funny thing , like all countries , you get the good , the not so good , and the bloody awful . We had a choice when we took on this project of rebuilding the Slovak cottage , in fact three choices , one of which was never gonna happen ! 1 - Get a company to do everything and hand us the key at the end 3 - Do it all myself Have a guess which was wasn 't a goer ? ? We took the option of finding all the trades ourselves , and when I say ' ourselves ' , I obviously mean Mrs M ! My Slovak is improving , but , it is not that good . We have chosen well , you all know that our builder is just fantastic , his speed , his commitment and quality of work is just great He does get paid above average for Slovakia , but I kinda believe that you get what you pay for , and the added bonus he gives us with looking after the whole project is worth every penny . We have also chosen well with Roofers , Sparks , Plumber and heating , the only mistake we made was with the fireplace , which turned out to not be a huge error . But , here is the thing I don 't quite get with Slovak trade … . When we negotiated a hourly rate with our builder ( strange in itself , normally you get a price for the job , but as we didn 't know what we were getting into , be decided an hourly rate ) it was made clear that not only did we always pay for the lunch hour ( to be fair , Maros never ever takes an Hr ) , but we were also expected to provide the lunch for the workers … . . that 's really strange for me , and fortunately , the builder agreed this was unnecessary , and didn 't push it , but it certainly is expected . We have our heating workers here at the moment , they have come from up north to do the job , the lead worker we know very well , and is a close family friend , but we have had to find and pay for their accommodation , provide lunch and dinner for them … . . I can understand paying for accommodation I guess , but I would expect this to be included in the final price , but for Mrs M to provide lunch , and for me to cook dinner ( yes , I did the cooking ) for them is strange , something I would never expect to do … . Sometimes you have to make a panic buy , you know , you have 30mins to get something you need , but you have no time … . Well , that 's what happened with these boots . We were leaving sunny California for Christmas with my sister in Vancouver , when it struck us that we only had flip flops to wear , not really what you want to stop Jack Frost nipping at your tootsies huh ! . . so we dashed of to the local Mall , and rushed into a sports shop , you know the type , we stock everything for every sport , but we haven 't got a Scooby what it all does … . . Now , I never buy specialist things from general sports shops . If you want decent walking boots , go to a Hiking shop . . simple , but , needs must . We were looking at expensive , got to the top of Everest type of walking boots when we decided , lets just get something to get us through Christmas , not a big rushed splash out on the wrong boots , so I found a pair for $ 20 , size 8 , sturdy , comfortable ( for the 10 steps I took around the shop floor ) and I was happy enough . Well , 4 years later , I am pretty sure I have had my $ 20 's worth … . They have been sensational … they have walked miles , kept my feet dry every step , and not a blister in sight . They have been walked around Big Bear , Big Sur , Death Valley , Joshua Tree , Sequoia , Hoover Dam , The Canyon , Tatras Mountains , Vancouver Island , Bear Watching and Whale watching in Canada and Alaska , Ireland , Slovakia , Northchurch Common , Portland Maine , NYC , San F , San Diego and finally , their final resting place , No 3 Medvecke … . Building our new house … . Our builder is a real rarity , he is dedicated , has never let us down , over the course of nearly a year now , he has been at our place , working in the rain , snow , sweltering heat to get us into our home . He lives in our small village , and he has become a firm friend of mine , and a builder you can trust . He never just does something to get it done , he treats our place like it was his own home . His attention to detail on this fireplace has been admirable , and if you ever want a builder … Maros is your man ! |
It would be wrong to say I felt like a bird in a gilded cage . A bird just sits there on its perch , chittering a melancholy song and pining for the blue sky beyond the golden bars , oblivious to the fact that it would likely be eaten by a cat within a matter of hours . No , I was more of a dog in an iron crate . I fumed and seethed and barked and threw myself against the walls confining me with all my might , and whenever I made enough noise I would get thrown a steak to quiet me down . I remember standing there in my office , looking down at the people in the city below me . There were so many of them . They looked so tiny , too . Like living grains of sand on a beach , carefree and without a clue that the tide was about to come in . Back then I thought myself an important person - or at least that I was living a marginally more consequential existence than the tiny people beneath me . I enjoyed the comforts of an extravagant home , a full wardrobe , and every other perk and luxury one would expect of a young man from Wall Street . I had told myself years ago that I would rather die than go back . But in reality I did not want to die , and since it was becoming increasingly clear that I could very well perish in my present situation , I decided to set my dignity aside and go to back to the one place I knew I 'd find help . It would be humiliating , certainly . But I 've always been good at holding myself together , at least on the outside . I scraped together what little I had left and made the dreaded journey back to Kansas . I didn 't send a letter to inform them of my arrival . I knew that they 'd be expecting me as soon as their daily paper arrived . Sure enough , there was an extra place set at the dinner table for me when I walked in the door . Mom was the only one who hugged me . Ted , my brother , shook my hand and smiled like we 'd just met at a church picnic . Uncle Lem said , " right on time ! " and laughed , but not in a cruel way . Aunt Margie commented on how thin I was and how lucky it was that I didn 't die in the riots and thank the shining Lord in heaven nobody slit my throat and stole the clothes off my back . From that day forward , I was an employee ( I had stopped being a son a long time ago ) . To prove myself , I worked almost twice as much land as anyone else , yet the taunts of " city boy " and " Mr . Fancypants with his edgey kayshun " persisted in full force . Everyone , everyone seemed to delight in watching me work the fields , pushing myself until my hands were blistered and bloodied . " Wheat is golden for a reason , " Uncle Lem would say . Ted and I would walk past a lush patch of growing crop and he would never fail to elbow me and ask me which greens were worth more now . I swallowed my pride and endured every humiliation . I just kept on existing , tarred and feathered , beaten and bloodied , caged and enraged , calm and collected . I 've always been good at holding myself together . I was skeptical . I had a feeling something coming . I 'd seen it before . And I was half right : I had anticipated the dropping numbers , but the dust came as a surprise . After the first storm , people couldn 't stop talking about how it was the storm of the century . ' Never in all my year have I seen anything like it ! ' ' I thought it was the end of days , I tell you ! ' ' It 'll take me all day to clean the car ! ' ' Kids , help me sweep the dirt out of the barn ! ' Everybody jabbered on about the great big dust storm and how glad they were it was over . And then the next one . And then the following one was even bigger , and the one after that made the one before look minuscule in comparison . Within a matter of months , the dust storms had become such a part of our day - to - day lives , we were habitually setting the table with the cups and plates upside - down . The dust surrounded you , got into every inch of your house , every corner , every drawer . You woke up each morning and shook the dust off your sheets . You knocked your shoes against the floor before putting them on . If you were a kid , you could draw on literally any available surface . If you were a woman , your entire existence became a blur of scrubbing , sweeping , and praying that the attic didn 't start raining down dirt into the porridge . Actually , everyone prayed the dust didn 't get into our food , because if it did we had to eat it anyway . We got by from week to week by telling ourselves this storm will be the last one and it can 't stay like this forever . It started as suicides . The papers were full of stories of people going broke , losing their farms . Losing hope . One headline told us of an elderly couple who ended their lives together after losing everything they 'd worked for . One morning I woke up to Mom and Aunt Margie wailing over the death of a friend . Gunshot to the head . She just didn 't want to deal with the dust anymore . It wasn 't long before the cattle started getting sick . You could see the dust in their noses and ears and mouths . Sometimes they 'd eat a mouthful from their trough and get more dust than they did food . Then the people started getting sick . Same thing . They called it ' dust pneumonia . ' It got so bad that if a child so much as cleared their throat , their mother 's heart would skip a beat . Cathie , Ted 's wife , made their daughter Grace wear a get - up with goggles and a mask . Grace said it was harder to breath with the mask on , but Cathie insisted that anything was better than dust pneumonia . One day I noticed Grace sitting by the front steps while Cathie was inside cleaning like her life depended on it . Mother and daughter were only a couple of yards away , and yet Cathie never noticed Grace sobbing her little eyes out beneath her dusty goggles , nor did she notice me pick her up and tell her everything would be okay . It was out of character for me , but I told her a couple of jokes . I took some of my savings and told her to get in my car . Told her I 'd take her to a picture show , and I did . I needed something to get my mind off the living nightmare my life had become , and I figured that if this kid 's own mother couldn 't bother to hear her crying , then Grace probably needed some cheering up too . It had been years since I 'd seen a picture show . It was Grace 's first one . King Kong was the title . We loved it so much we ended up watching it twice . Grace asked me afterward how they made the monkey move . I didn 't know , so I just told her they used a real one . She knew I was lying , but she smiled . I realized something on the car ride home from the theater that day . I realized I didn 't feel angry at the world anymore . Before the dust , I 'd felt alone in my misery . After the dust , I felt like everyone else was just as miserable as I was , and I 'll be honest , I took some petty joy in that . But besides that , I had gotten so complacent and comfortable in being bitter that 'd I 'd forgotten what it felt like to just let go of my cares and relax until that day . There I was , driving back to the farm with my mind full of Fay Wray and Bruce Cabot and fifty - foot monkeys , and Grace was there to share it with me . I still felt trapped , but I didn 't feel alone anymore . We went to the picture show at least a dozen times after that . We had to space it out , of course , since money was tight , and I know I spent more than I could afford , but it was the only thing that made life bearable during that time . There was a nice girl named Phyllis who took our tickets . I started flirting with her after the third or fourth show we saw . I think she was interested in me . I don 't now if Cathie ever found out about our little excursions , but if she did , she didn 't say anything . Grace told me one day that she was going to grow up to be a famous movie actor one day , and if you 'd have laid eyes on that girl you would have believed it . March 14 , 1934 . The sky was finally blue again . For the first time in recent memory , there was no wind at all . Everyone gave thanks to Jesus and celebrated with picnics and parties . We had hardly anything left at that point , but everyone still put forward what few resources they had for the sake of the occasion . It felt like ages since I 'd seen everyone so happy . Even Dad didn 't look at me with quite as much bitterness as he usually did . Our neighbor Cecil baked an enormous chocolate cake and nearly gave us all heart attacks when he said he 'd share it with our family . It was a terrific day , really . That 's why I don 't think what happened later was a punishment . If someone does something wrong , you don 't make them happy before you punish them . That blue sky and giant cake was an apology , I think . Some kind of note from God or whoever to say , you don 't deserve what you 're about to get , and I 'm so , so sorry . It was still 3 : 00 in the afternoon when we saw it coming . At first we thought it was another dust storm , but it soon became clear there was something different about this one . This was coming much quicker . The dust clouds were so huge they looked as though the mountains themselves were running toward you . It extended infinitely to the left and went on forever to the right . Nobody said anything . We knew what to do . We all ran inside the house , gathered together in a circle , and covered ourselves with blankets and clothes and anything else we could get our hands on . The storm carried on all night . You could feel and hear the house rattling on its foundation . Cathie started crying , and when Ted told her to shut up I just about knocked his head off . Besides that , nobody said anything until the storm quit the next morning . It was dead quiet when we opened the door . It was dark . Not as dark as night , but dark . Brown , too . We were used to the air being dusty , but this felt like the air was dust . We had the women stay inside while we went to inspect the damage to the property . Ted had left the barn door open and the whole thing was pretty much packed full of dirt now . Dad screamed at him . Hit him . Kicked him when he was down . He only stopped when he saw a rabbit nearby . Rabbits had been eating what little was left of the greenery , and smashing them to death was how a lot of men passed the time . But right before Dad caved its head in , we heard something that sounded for all the world like a human cry for help . Coming from the rabbit . We all looked at each other , wondering if the others heard it , too , but none of us said anything . Days passed . Nothing changed . The dust still hung over everything , blocking the sky and the sun . When Dad and Uncle Lem screamed at each other about whether or not to get back to work , I would take Grace up to her room and we would talk about the actors and actresses we liked and which stories we thought were best . Day and night grew so difficult to distinguish from each other that we eventually lost all track of how much time had passed . At some point Cecil came banging on our door , his face like he 'd seen a ghost . He gathered me , Dad , Ted , and Uncle Lem together and told us that he 'd been hearing rumors . He said Ruben Peterson down the way had hanged himself . We told him that this kind of news wasn 't surprising anymore . Then Cecil said that Ruben Peterson 's wife found his head lying on the floor , screaming , sitting five feet away from his body , dust pouring out of his neck like sawdust from a doll that 's been ripped apart . Dad called Cecil a gullible idiot and threw him out of our house . One night - I think it was night - me and most of the family were sound asleep when we heard Ted hollering outside . Uncle Lem just about died when he saw Aunt Margie way out in the distance , hobbling slowly away from us and into the dusty oblivion . He yelled at her , pleaded from a distance , begged her to come back . He tried to chase after her , but Dad and Ted held him back . I 'd never seen Uncle Lem cry before , but he just sat there in a broken puddle . We all eventually left him and went back into the house . He came back inside hours later . Told us that he only stopped crying because the dust had dried up all his tears . Nobody went back to sleep that night . I wondered if anyone else had seen a figure way off in the distance . The figure Aunt Margie had been walking toward . Food was running low . Dad said we would all starve to death if he didn 't try to drive to market . Mom begged him not to go , but he insisted . Right after he opened the door and right before he stepped outside , he looked at me and said , " g ' bye . " He didn 't look at Mom , or Ted , or Uncle Lem when he said that . He looked at me . It was quick and meaningless , but I still wonder what it meant . We never saw him again after that . Uncle Lem and Ted went next door to check if Cecil was dead . If he had food he wasn 't using , we needed it . They told me to stay behind and guard the girls . They came back empty - handed , their eyes haunted . They wouldn 't tell us what they saw , they just hugged everyone and said they loved them . We all slept together in the living room after that . Once more I awoke to a loud noise in the middle of the night , only this time the source was a gunshot . Mom was dead . I grabbed Grace and carried her upstairs , shielding her eyes , while Ted tried to wrestle the gun away from Uncle Lem . He was able to , but only after Lem had put a bullet through his own head . When I came downstairs to help clean up , I asked where all the blood had gone . Ted just looked at me and handed me a broom , and I realized that there hadn 't been any blood at all . It was just me , Ted , Cathie , and Grace after that . Cathie clutched Grace so close to her chest that I was afraid she 'd strangle the poor child . Eventually it occurred to me that might be her intention . Ted pointed out that none of us had eaten since we ran out of food the previous week . Cathie wailed that we were all on the cusp of starvation , and we 'd be dead within hours if we didn 't eat anything . I caught Cathie sitting by herself on the front porch one day . She was rubbing her fingernail along her forearm , chipping away the dust that had built on her skin . We all had dust on our skin . But as she picked away the dust bit by bit , I realized that the crater she was making in her arm was getting a little too deep . I stopped watching after that , because I knew she would keep on picking through to the other side , and all she 'd find was dust . Grace was asleep when Ted and I found Cathie lying outside , her face fluttering in the breeze , barely attached to her head by a tiny scrap of skin at the right ear . We didn 't say anything . Ted didn 't even look upset . I probably didn 't , either , but I still felt like he should have at least tried to look sad . Her face tore off and soared into the distance as Ted and I dug her grave . I walked up to Grace 's room . The stairs wobbled . I had a feeling that the only thing holding them together now was dust . Dust was all that held anything together now . Wind was blowing everywhere , even though we were indoors . Grace sat on her bed , with that calm look children have when all the adults are hopelessly upset . She 'd become pale and thin , but by God you would swear she could have been a movie star one day . I took her into my arms as the wind blew circles around us . We talked about King Kong one last time . She would have these long periods of silence between her responses , and every time she fell quiet I would think she 'd passed , but then she 'd come back and tell me she wondered if they built a giant robot monkey and had it climb the Empire State Building . We talked some more about the Empire State Building . I told her what it looked like on the inside . I told her about New York City , and what it was like to be rich and free , and how she 'd get to see it all for herself when she became a famous actress . I explored the world outside the house and found nothing . I think I 'm the last one in the world who hasn 't crumbled into dust yet . I guess I 've always been pretty good at holding myself together . Cathie 's body came back at one point and stood over Grace 's bed for an hour or so . I gave her a mask to cover where her face used to be and told her that Grace wasn 't here anymore . I put Cathie back in the ground , but she had already dug herself out again when I woke up the next day . I haven 't seen her since . I 'd lost all hope until a little black bird came flying out of the dust and into my hands . I can 't explain how I knew , but I knew it was Grace . I could feel it in the dust inside the bird inside the dust . She didn 't say anything , but she didn 't need to . In each hand I hold a cluster of strings woven around the legs of countless birds . Aunt Margie , Uncle Lem , Ted , Grace , Mom , Dad , Cecil , and even Phyllis from the theater are here , along with other folks I don 't recognize . I thank them for being kind enough to volunteer . Their wings are twitching in anticipation . I take a deep breath , allowing the dust to fill my lungs . It 's so much easier to breathe now that I just accept it . Normally this plan would seem insane and impossible , but these days the world itself is insane and impossible . Besides , I 'm so much lighter now . There 's no more anger weighing me down . No more hatred . I open the door to the gilded birdcage . The little black birds pour out and fall upward into the sky . As I feel my feet leave the ground , I stare into the beautiful brown oblivion and whisper a dusty word of gratitude for finally setting this old dog free . Click here to edit contents of this page . 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On the sixth day of Christmas , my true love sent to me Six geese a - laying , Five golden rings , Four calling birds , Three French hens , Two turtle doves , And a partridge in a pear tree . I 've never really thought about the verses of this song before , but some of them don 't make sense . Do geese really lay eggs in the winter ? The only experience I have is with the ubiquitous Canadian Geese that have taken up residence ( and have become pests ) here ; they only nest in the spring . I think it would be interesting to eat a goose egg . They 're four times bigger than a chicken egg , and according to my research the much bigger yolk is very firm , almost custard - like , and makes a richer baked product . Unfortunately , I won 't be enjoying one this year . Maybe in 2010 . Here 's a fable from Aesop about geese : THE GOOSE THAT LAID THE GOLDEN EGGSA man and his wife had the good fortune to possess a goose which laid a golden egg every day . Lucky though they were , they soon began to think they were not getting rich fast enough , and , imagining the bird must be made of gold inside , they decided to kill it in order to secure the whole store of precious metal at once . But when they cut it open they found it was just like any other goose . Thus , they neither got rich all at once , as they had hoped , nor enjoyed any longer the daily addition to their wealth . Moral : Much wants more and loses all . On the fifth day of Christmas , my true love sent to me Five golden rings , Four calling birds , Three French hens , Two turtle doves , And a partridge in a pear tree . Just like yesterday , today 's verse also has an error . Originally the fifth day 's gift of golden rings referred to ring - necked birds such as the ring - necked pheasant , not jewelery ( or napkin rings , as The Chic Chauffeur suggested ) . However , I 'd rather have gold the metal rather than more birds or napkin rings , so we 're going with that . Today I checked out gold rings , as well as other types of jewelry , when I went to a jewelry store at the mall to redeem a coupon . Last year when I signed up for this store 's loyalty program I must have given them my birthday , because somehow they knew I have one coming up . Earlier in the week they sent me an email which offered me a pair of freshwater pearl earrings . All I had to do is come into the store to collect them . I don 't really need another pair of pearl studs , but I couldn 't pass up the chance to get something for free . Son Tony came with me on the adventure . Fortunately , the Christmas frenzy was over at the mall . I scored a premium parking space in the garage , the return I made at one of the department stores went quickly , and we didn 't have to deal with hordes of crazed shoppers on our way to the jewelry store . This mall has a lot of places to buy jewelry . There are four dedicated stores , several kiosks , and three department stores offering merchandise . The store we were headed for was on the top floor at the intersection of two aisles . The entire storefront is open ; you can enter it from either side . Although one of the associates was busy , there was another one just standing there ; she immediately asked if I needed some help . I gave her the coupon , and followed her as she walked to the sales desk , admiring the shiny rings and necklaces as I walked past them . It only took her a few minutes for her to enter something into the computer , then she gave me a small drawstring jeweler 's bag and told me to have a great biPosted by On the fourth day of Christmas , my true love sent to meFour calling birds , Three French hens , Two turtle doves , And a partridge in a pear tree . I like to think that the composer of this song was a woman . Today her true love sent her more birds . . . four calling birds . However , they 're not what you might think . According to the Wikipedia entry , over the years some errors have slipped into the original version of the song ; one of them occurs in today 's verse . The four calling birds were originally four colly birds , another word for a blackbird . With that in mind , I started thinking about blackbirds . A little research revealed that the colly birds in the song ( Old World Blackbirds ) aren 't the same as New World blackbirds . They 're actually a completely different species . Although both groups contain birds of all colors , many of them are black , like the grackles , cowbirds , and occasional red - winged blackbirds I see in my area . Other information : In the nursery rhyme Sing a Song of Sixpence four and twenty of them were baked in a pie . The SR - 71 Blackbird plane was a reconnaissance aircraft used from the 1960s through the 1990s . The Blackbyrds was a rhythm and blues group in the 1970s . " Blackbird " is a Beatles song from the album The Beatles ( AKA The White Album ) . Time for a sing - along : Blackbird singing in the dead of nightTake these broken wings and learn to flyAll your lifeYou were only waiting for this moment to ariseBlack bird singing in the dead of nightTake these sunken eyes and learn to seeall your lifeyou were only waiting for this moment to be freeBlackbird fly , Blackbird flyInto the light of the dark black night . Blackbird fly , Blackbird flyInto the light of the dark black night . Blackbird singing in the dead of nightTake these broken wings and learn to flyAll your lifeYou were only waiting for this moment to arise , You were only waiting for this moment to arise , You were only waiting for this moment to arise On the third day of Christmas , my true love sent to meThree French hens , Two turtle doves , And a partridge in a pear tree . On the third day of Christmas , your true love gave you … chickens . Female chickens , or hens , to be precise . But not just any hens - - French hens . Ohh la la ! Chickens are one of the most popular domesticated animals in the world . There are hundreds of hybrids , but Wikipedia lists six types in the category " French chicken breeds " : Bresse , Crèvecœur , Faverolles , Houdan , La Flèche , and Marans . I wonder if the author of the song had a particular breed in mind ? I don 't know about you , but when I think of chicken , I think of dinner . However , I wasn 't in the mood for elaborate French food , so I decided to go with a simple Oriental - inspired meal . In honor of today 's hens I baked some frozen popcorn chicken and served it with spicy mustard , stir fried broccoli with garlic and a bit of sesame oil , and cooked some rice . Somehow I think the chickens would approve . On the second day of Christmas , my true love sent to meTwo turtle doves , And a partridge in a pear tree . What exactly is a turtle dove ? Wikipedia says : The Turtle Dove ( Streptopelia turtur ) , also known as European Turtle Dove , is a member of the bird family Columbidae , which includes the doves and pigeons . . . a New World dove of similar appearance and behavior to that of the Turtle Dove is the Mourning Dove . Oh . . . . ok . I 'm familiar with Mourning Doves . We see them year round at the bird feeder . They nest on the porch columns in the summer , and I watch the fledglings learn how to fly . I enjoy hearing their mournful call , although the whistling sound they make when they fly away can be a bit annoying . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ When I got out of bed this morning , the grass was covered with a light blanket of snow , and fluffy flakes were still flying through the air . The skylight in the kitchen was completely covered , which lent a surreal quality to the room . The snow finished an hour or so later ; there was less than an inch of snow in total , and nothing on the streets . After lunch I went out to fill the empty bird feeder on the deck , leaving a trail of footprints on the snow - covered slats . Some time later I looked at the feeder from the kitchen window and saw quite a sight : four mourning doves were perched on the feeder tray , another two were in the red bud tree next to the deck , and a seventh bird was on the deck rail . Their dark feathers were a wonderful contrast to the white snow . I grabbed my camera , but the birds were gone before I could get a picture of them . Even through the closed window , I could hear them as they flew away . On the first day of Christmas , my true love sent to meA partridge in a pear tree . In the everyday world , I 've been inundated with Christmas sights and sounds since before Thanksgiving . However , in the liturgical calendar of the church , the Christmas season is entirely different . It starts on Christmas and ends on the Feast of the Epiphany ( January 6th ) , which celebrates the visit of the three kings to the Christ Child . The twelve days in the song The Twelve Days of Christmas are the period from the day after Christmas ( December 26 ) to Epiphany . In honor of partridges and pear trees , here 's part of the present I received from my niece in our family Rob Your Neighbor game : The wonderful faux pear is more almost seven inches inches tall , and looks great on the bookshelf in the family room ( although it may find a permanent home above the kitchen cabinets after the holidays ) . Years ago I took my Christmas planning seriously ( think Martha Stewart ) . However , over the years I 've become more laid back about the whole thing . Maybe too laid back . When I woke up today , I realized the extended family will be at the house tomorrow for dinner . I 've made the menu and done the shopping , but hadn 't thought at all about what the dining room should look like . It needed attention to make it company - ready . One of my goals today was to stay out of any kind of store , so I had to decorate with what I had around the house . There 's a box of Christmas linens I 've acquired over the years , but many of them aren 't big enough for the dining room table when it 's stretched to its maximum length . After a bit of searching , I found a length of green material in my fabric stash that could pass as a tablecloth . A quick spin in the dryer removed the wrinkles . The table centerpiece was pretty simple . A friend gave me a lovely hurricane candle last month . It had a removable top , and she filled the bottom with a beautiful fall garland . I replaced it with a piece of evergreen and silver garland . I found a pair of napkins in the linen box that I 'd bought on clearance a few years ago . I refolded them and arranged them on either side of the candle . The table is set creatively but tastefully . I used the plainest set of china , which is actually two different patterns , but both have silver rims so they coordinate well . The silverware is a mashup of styles . Most of the pieces came from my parents ' set , but over the years I 've supplemented with other pieces . If you look closely ( and I hope you don 't ) , there are also several types of white napkins . I 'm almost ready for the big event , but the table will need a few last - minute details tomorrow . I 'll have to light the candle and remove the small stacks of dessert plates I 've stacked all over the empty spaces so the cats don 't decide to take a nap on the table tonight ! When I got to the gym today , there was much more action than usual . Turns out they were filming a commercial . I was there to take a group class , but I was a bit early . I went to the locker room and put my things in a locker , then sat down at a machine to do a bit of exercise while I was waiting for the instructor to arrive . A woman carrying a clipboard came up to me and asked if I was going to be there long . I explained I wasn 't , but she still had me sign a waiver form in case I showed up in the background of one of the scenes . There was a small section roped off in the middle of the main room . The object of interest seemed to be a plate machine , although they 'd also moved an abdominal machine close to the first one and perpendicular to it . A large light provided enough illumination to make the immediate area much brighter than normal . A camera mounted on a massive tripod stood next to the light . Several technicians were fiddling with the equipment while an official - looking man ordered them around . Two actresses were in chairs by the front desk having their makeup done . They were pretty normal - looking , which I think the target market this gym is going for . When the instructor for my class arrived , I moved to the group class room . It has a glass wall in the back that overlooks the main area , so I was able to occasionally look behind me to check on the progress of the filming . It wasn 't all non - stop action . The actresses would take their places , get some instruction , and " work out " for a few seconds before they stopped . This was repeated over and over . All the people in the class were feeling sorry for one of them ; it looked like she was working so hard ! Later I found out she was actually using foam free weights - - what looked like a 45 pound disk was actually just a couple of pounds . They class ended , and I headed for the locker room ( going the long way so I " accidentally " walked in the camera 's path ) . I showered , changed my clothes , and got all my stuff together . As I left the building , the crew didn 't show any signs ofPosted by Today we went to Grace Church to see a friend 's son , who was one of the drummers performing in their Christmas extravaganza , Drummer Boy 09 . Grace Church is one of the largest non - denominational churches in the area . We were told to arrive quite early , and I 'm glad we took the advice . About a block from the complex , traffic stopped . It was stop and go until we reached the entrance to the parking lot , where there were people dressed in orange jumpsuits directing cars . After we parked , we followed the crowd towards the building . The first thing we saw when we entered was people . A lot of people milling around . Standing in line at the coffee bar . Sitting at small tables eating , drinking , and chatting with their friends . It was hard for me to realize I was in a church . Again following the stream of people , we headed towards the auditorium , which had two levels - the main room and a second floor balcony which wrapped around three sides of the huge room . The area was so big that not everyone could see the stage , but there were jumbotron screens on either side of it to show the action . Although we arrived 45 minutes before the start of the program , the room was almost filled up . We grabbed a place in the second pew from the rear on the right side . Soon we heard an announcement that there was no more room in the auditorium , but " overflow seating " was available in an alternate area . Ten minutes before the hour , there was another announcement that anyone who was saving seats should release them for people who were already here . At showtime , the place was packed . We had been to a version of the show two years ago , so we knew what to expect . Right after the house lights went down , the spectacle began . The program was a little Stomp , a little Blue Man Group , and a little Trans - Siberian Orchestra with an African and Brazilian flavor . I didn 't recognize a couple of the songs ( but they conveniently put the words up on the screen ) , and they put a unique contemporary spin on the " classic " carols . The big production had dozens of percussPosted by A St . Louis teenager who was frustrated with his classmates ' lemming - like following of a popular clothing line came up with a line of parody apparel and now faces a lawsuit for trademark infringement . The South Butt was started in 2007 by Jimmy Winkelmann , who is now 18 . He wanted to poke fun at the kids at his high school who all bought the exact same North Face jackets and vests . Each year he 's made a few thousand dollars ; at first the money went back into the company , but last year he helped his parents pay for his tuition at the University of Missouri . Even though the company wasn 't very large , it still caught the attention of The North Face . In August they sent him a cease and desist request . The South Butt refused . This month The North Face filed suit . As you might imagine , all of the media coverage has dramatically increased sales of The South Butt . A couple of places around here are selling the t shirts , fleeces , and shorts . Today I saw a mom wearing the branded hoodie when she dropped her son off for preschool today . She said the first time she tried to get one , the store was out of her size , and she had to wait for another shipment to arrive . I don 't know if I 'd wear one of the shirts , but I 'm sure I 'm not the company 's target market ; I wouldn 't wear a North Face item either . Every year Tony and the boys do a great job of putting Christmas lights on the front of the house . The lights are on a timer so they go on at dark , stay illuminated for several hours , and go off by themselves . Unfortunately , I don 't see them much . They 're not lit when I leave the house in the morning , and it 's still bright when I get home from work . Unless I happen to walk out to the mailbox or run an errand after dark , I can go many lightless days . However , this is what I see from the kitchen : Several years ago my neighbor decorated her deck . I liked the idea so much I stole it . My kitchen has a bay window that overlooks the deck , so I get to admire these lights every night . It almost didn 't happen this year . We put up the lights the weekend after Thanksgiving . The strand I 've used the last few years for the deck decided to kick the bucket , so I went to the drug store to buy a new one . Instead of one 200 - light set of colored mini lights , I had to buy 2 100 - light models . I came home and after a bit of work had them wrapped around the top deck rail , then plugged them into their timer . The lights were beautiful . For about a week and a half . Right after I recycled the box and tossed the store receipt , one of the two strands stopped working . I tried tightening each of the bulbs on the offending set , but nothing worked . I added " redo the lights on the deck " to my massive holiday list . Last weekend we put up the Christmas tree . One of the sets of lights didn 't work , so Tony headed out to buy more . He was back very quickly , and told me that our local drug store was out of lights ! I 've never had that happen . I offered the working ones from the deck ; he accepted them , and I set out for the closest big - box hardware store to get something to go on the deck . The hardware store 's Christmas section was hopping . They had ornaments , decorations , artificial trees , and stands for real trees . I got to the lights section . It was pretty much bare , except for several boxes of blue rope lights and one set of white LEDs . Neither was what I waPosted by This challenge has now popped up on two different blogs in my reader , so I guess I better play . The first was Nancy 's Life in the Second Half ; the next was Emom at Life in the 2nd Half Century . Mandy at Mandy 's Life After 30 came up with the idea . Here are 25 questions to let you know more than you could possibly want to know about me . If you 're reading this post , then you must : ( a ) leave a comment and answer the 25 questions below , ( b ) write the answers to the questions below in your own blog post ( if you have a blog , that is ) or ( c ) call yourself a scrooge in the comments below and refuse to answer them . I hope you choose ( a ) or ( b ) but if you choose ( c ) then I 'll just let the ghosts of Christmas past , present and future deal with you . If you do decide to write your own blog post about it , please mention Mandy since she is the author of these important questions . ( Writers credit and all that jazz - thanks ! ) ( 1 ) What is your favorite Christmas movie ? I don 't really have one favorite . For old movies , it would be It 's a Wonderful Life . If I 'm wanting something new , The Santa Clause always makes me laugh . Even though it 's not completely about Christmas , I enjoy Meet Me In St . Louis ( imagine that ! ) , and the holidays aren 't complete without seeing at least part of A Christmas Story . ( 2 ) What is your LEAST favorite Christmas movie ? One year my boys tried to start a new family tradition on Christmas Eve - - watching holiday episodes of Family Guy and South Park . Ugh ! ( 3 ) What is your favorite Christmas song ? Too many to list . . . but I have a soft spot for Holiday Sing Along with Mitch by Mitch Miller and the Gang . My parents had the LP when I was a kid , and it was part of my collection when my kids were young . Now I have it on CD . ( 4 ) What Christmas song ( s ) drives you crazy ? Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer . However , Boudreaux 's Christmas ( Boudreaux Got Run Over by a Mudboat ) , which is basically the same thing with a Cajun spin , always makes me laugh . ( 5 ) What is your favorite Christmas drink ? ( i . e . egg nog , hot chocolate ) InstantPosted by Our parish church has been designated as one of the " hubs " for the area 's Catholic Hispanics . There is a Spanish Mass on Sunday evenings , and one of the priests works with both the English and Spanish communities . The past few years the feast has been celebrated on the Sunday closest to the actual day , but since it fell on the weekend this year they went all out . The day started with an overnight prayer vigil and a solemn procession in the afternoon . When we arrived for Mass , I heard drumbeats before we entered the building . As we picked out a place to sit , I saw a group of teenagers dressed in Indian costumes dancing to the rhythm of the drum in front of the altar . They were shaking maracas , and their costumes were covered with beads that rattled when they moved . They danced for about five more minutes , then left to assemble in the back of church . When the entrance procession started , they led the way . After the first reading , there was going to be a reading and reenactment of the Guadalupe story . However , the group wasn 't ready , so they ended up doing it after the Gospel reading . The story of Our Lady of Guadalupe , according to my program : On Saturday morning , December 9 , 1531 , he reported the following : As he was walking to church , he heard the sound of birds singing on Tepeyac hill and someone calling his name . He ran up the hill , and saw a Lady , dressed like an Aztec princess . The Lady spoke to him in Nahuatl , his native tongue . She called him " Xocoyte , " her little son . He responded by calling her " Xocoyata " , his littlest daughter . The Lady asked Juan Diego to tell the bishop of Mexico , a Franciscan named Juan de Zumárraga , that she wanted a " teocalli " , a sacred little house ( church ) , to be build on the spot where she stood , in her honor , where : and my protection to the people . I am your merciful mother , the merciful mother of all of you who live united in this land , and of all mankind , of all those who love me , of those who cry to me , of those who seek me , of those who have confidence in me . Here I will hear their weeping , their sorrow and will remedy and alleviate all their multiple sufferings , necessities and misfortunes . " Recognizing the Lady as the Virgin Mary , Juan Diego went to the bishop as instructed , but the Spanish bishop , Fray Juan de Zumárraga was doubtful and told Juan Diego he needed a sign . The Lady promised Juan Diego she would give him a sign the following day . According to Juan Diego , he returned home that night to his uncle Juan Bernardino 's house , and discovered him seriously ill . The next morning December 12 , Juan Diego decided not to meet with the Lady , but to find a priest who could administer the last rites to his dying uncle . When he tried to skirt around Tepeyac hill , the Lady stopped him , assured him his uncle would not die , and asked him to climb the hill and gather flowers . It was December , when normally nothing blooms in the cold . There he found roses from the region of Castille in Spain , former home of bishop Zumárraga . The Lady placed the roses carefully inside the folded tilma that Juan Diego wore and told him not to open it before anyone but the bishop . When Juan Diego unfolded his tilma before the Bishop roses cascaded from his tilma , and icon of Our Lady of Guadalupe was miraculously impressed on the cloth , bringing the bishop to his knees . The bishop acknowledged the miracle and within two weeks ordered a shrine to be built where the Virgin Mary had appeared . He entrusted the tilma with the image to Juan Diego , and permitted him to live in a small hermitage near the shrine , and the spot where the Virgin Mary had appeared . Juan Diego told the story to all the pilgrims who came to pray there , propagating the account of the apparitions in Mexico . Because it was a bi - lingual celebration , the priest and deacon moved back and forth between Spanish and English . All of the music was in Spanish ; I recognized some of the songs , although I couldn 't really sing along . During a couple of the prayers , we were instructed to recite in either language . It was really confusing ! After Mass everyone was invited to the school cafeteria for a meal . When we got there the line wasn 't too long , but it quickly stretched out the door ! There were taco chips and salsa on each table . We went through the cafeteria line to get our food . Each plate contained a tamale , a large spoonful of pork in green chili sauce , beans , and rice , and I picked up a bowl of excellent soup that contained meat , vegetables , and hominy . There were several tables covered with desserts , and the drink station was set up in the corner . The atmosphere was chaotic , but in a good way . A DJ set up his equipment in the corner of the cafeteria and started playing . The entire cafeteria filled up , and the extra people were directed to tables in a couple of the school classrooms . There were children running around and playing with their friends , and adults talking animatedly . After we finished our dinners , we sat for a few minutes , then decided to leave so someone else could have our seats . We said goodbye to our table mates , threw our trash away , and left . I was glad we decided to attend . The countertops , island , and desk in our kitchen still have the original Formica on them . They 're pushing 20 years old , and it 's time for an upgrade . After a lot of research , Tony and I decided on a company who will install granite for us early next year . Today I went to the granite wholesaler to pick out the slabs of stone that will be made into our new countertops . Tony and I tried to do this project last weekend . We met our designers at the warehouse , only to learn that the people who were authorized to move the stone weren 't available . Although I was disappointed I couldn 't cross the task off my list , we got a great tour of the facility while we were there . The huge warehouse had several long aisles with granite slabs of every imaginable color and pattern . They were standing on end , several deep , lining both sides of the aisles . Each type had a sign on the floor in front of it that told its name , and sometimes what country it came from . We had seen a lot of samples when we got our estimate , but the stones looked much different as complete slabs . When we got to the last aisle we saw the style we 'd chosen . The slab that was in the front of the stack had several occlusions ( large splotches of minerals ) that looked like ink stains . That 's NOT at all what we wanted , so I made an appointment to come back a second time to look at other slabs . The warehouse had been quite cold on Saturday , and I wasn 't looking forward to being there in today 's frigid weather . I was pleasantly surprised . All the truck bays were closed , and there was a heating system that was working pretty well . I still kept my coat on , but didn 't need to pull out my gloves . It was fascinating to watch the process of slab moving . It was a two person operation . One worker drove a crane with large rubber - lined tongs on the end . The second assisted him by using a crowbar to move the top of a slab forward a couple of inches - - enough to put a wedge in . That gave the tongs a chance to slip in between the two pieces . He secured a fastener on the tongs , which allPosted by ( In case the title has you stumped , try reading it backwards . ) Crazy ? No , just Google MirrorA mirror site is an exact copy of another Internet site , so that multiple sources of the same information are available . It 's usually on a different server , in case the first one gets too busy or has something go wrong . Google Mirror is a play on this idea , except instead of an exact replica , it 's a real mirror image of the site . It 's the brainchild of All Too Flat . The site uses the classic Google logo , not the alternate one that was on the official site today . It was really strange seeing all the familiar words and graphics backwards on my screen . Even the textbox is flipped , so you have to enter search queries backwards . For example , to search for " cats " you can type : stac c [ backspace ] , a [ backspace ] , t [ backspace ] , s [ backspace ] . Either way it 's a laborious process . The Google Search and I 'm Feeling Lucky buttons were also on the opposite sides of the screen than what I 'm used to . In my first couple of experiments I clicked in the incorrect place and got it wrong . Playing around with this site was a lot of fun . I don 't know that I 'd ever use it on a regular basis , but there have been several instances of people in China being able to use Google Mirror after the government blocked the official Google site . It 's amazing that something that started out as a parody has been able to be so useful ! Highway 40 is a major road through the St . Louis area . Since the beginning of 2008 , we 've been unable to take it to many of our destinations , because two different five mile sections of it have been shut down for reconstruction . Last year when the first section re - opened Tony and I attended a celebration and walked on the roadway before it opened to cars . When they announced that they were going to have another event for the second portion of the road , we knew we had to be there . The day was today . The whole thing was very well organized . Although you could enter at any of the reconstructed interchanges , we drove to the eastern end and took a shuttle bus to the highway ramp at Hampton . There were hundreds of people taking advantage of the opportunity to walk on the road before it opened to traffic ; from a distance , the highway was full of color . This year they designated the westbound lanes for pedestrians and the eastbound ones for bikes , which made the whole thing run more smoothly . The only thing I had to watch out for was a couple of piles of dog poop . There were dogs of every size , from dachshunds to Great Danes . I saw babies in strollers , toddlers being pulled in wagons , young children on tricycles and bikes with training wheels , and a few on their parent 's shoulders . A woman on a handicapped scooter was slowly making her way down the road , and a older gentleman using a cane walked deliberately by himself . One or two joggers breezed by . A group of skateboarders were taking advantage of some slight inclines in the road . When they 'd get down to the bottom of one , they were going pretty fast . Later I saw them on the bicycle side , which was probably more appropriate . Not everyone was walking on the pedestrian side . There was a dad and his son throwing a football back and forth , an group of people playing Four Square , and a collection of people on yoga mats practicing their sun salutations . ( I found out they were doing some advertising for a nearby studio . ) We walked past the area where they were going to have an ofPosted by Since I started working as a preschool teacher assistant over the summer , my schedule has been pretty much the same . I work three partial days a week ( starting at 11 : 15 ) , and one whole day ( arriving at 8 : 30 in the morning ) in Classroom A , where all the students are four or five years old . That program finishes at 2 : 00 . Most days I transition over to Classroom B , the extended day program , which has students of several ages , for an hour or so . However , everything revolves around the number of students in each classroom . Two students left the school last month , so my hours were decreased . I was no longer needed in the extended day room every afternoon , and there weren 't enough students in Classroom A to justify all the time I was there . However , I 've been able to shift gears a bit and spend additional time concentrating on two of the special - needs children who needed extra help . In Classroom A I 'm working with a child that needs more one - on - one help to meet his annual goals . I 've done things like supervising him while he sorts manipulatives into categories , helping him count sets of one , two , or three items , and playing games with him and some of the typically developing students in the classroom , who model behavior like taking turns . I also get to tag along when he has time scheduled with the Speech Pathologist or the Occupational Therapist . If there 's a downside , I 'm also doing more of the bathroom duty ; this child is still working on toileting skills . Another change in my duties is in the extended day room . There is a young boy with autism who attends one of the classrooms in the building . His mother would like him to stay for a while after his regular classroom day has ended , but he doesn 't like the open , boisterous atmosphere of the extended day program . Ideally he 'll transition into the room on a daily basis but right now he 's coming two times a week . Guess who 's helping him out ? He 's there for an hour before his mother arrives to pick him up . We always start off in the large group environment , although we stay sPosted by Today is Mr Toast 's 1st Annual Christmas Tea ! All his guests are gathering in Aspen ready for the festivities . He promises " all the goodies with none of the carb guilt " ! Having never been to a tea before , I wasn 't sure what to wear . The invitation did call for formal attire , but since the event starts in the late afternoon , I was pretty sure I didn 't need evening wear . After a lot of thought , I chose this outfit from Nordstrom 's : The eyelash knit jacket looks soft and warm , and the " Caviar Shimmer " color promises to provide a bit of shine . I hope it sparkles when I stand next to the fireplace with my cup of tea ! I don 't believe Mr . Toast would be at all offended if you 'd like to pop in on him unannounced . Although the tea itself runs from 4 : 00 - 7 : 00 MST , there 's a Pre - Tea event beginning at 3 : 00 pm , and the festivities continue for several hours at the after party . It sounds like he 's having quite a crowd . Earlier this weekend we put up the outside Christmas lights . The weather was nice , and Tony recruited the boys to help him on the front side of the house . Before he started , he tested the lights in the family room and then asked the yearly question , " How come the lights were working when we took them down , but they don 't work when it 's time to use them again ? " Last January we carefully took the strands off the house , wound them around light holders , and put them in the closet under the basement stairs . They should have been out of harm 's way there , but as always , one strand wouldn 't light this year . Tony spent a bit of time trying to find the offending bulb ( s ) , but in the end he decided it wasn 't worth his time . I was on my way to Walgreens , so I bought him a strand to replace the one that wasn 't any good . What do you do with the strands that no longer light up ? In the past I would guiltily throw them in the trash , but this year I remembered hearing about an opportunity to recycle them . A bit of research led me to the Website of stlouisgreen . com . I found out that several Wal - Marts in our area were collecting old or unworkable holiday lights for recycling ; one of the stores was only a couple of miles from the house . Today Tony and I took our discards and dropped them in the container in the garden center . I was glad to see that the large box meant to hold the discarded lights for recycling was about half full , and I 'm wasn 't the only one taking advantage of this recycling program . I know Wal - Mart 's motives aren 't completely selfless ; they 're hoping that you buy new lights there . They were really pushing the LED ones . I know that LEDs last longer and use less energy , but I don 't want to mix the two light types . I think I 'll try to buy new strands for next year when they 're on clearance after the holidays . I hope I 'll still be able to recycle the old ones ! I 've never gotten up early to shop the day after Thanksgiving , and I don 't know that I ever will . However , that doesn 't mean I don 't buy anything the first shopping weekend of the holiday season . For the last few years , it 's been a tradition at our house to do some socially responsible and conscious consumerism at ( as their advertising touts ) " the nation 's largest Fair Trade Market " at Manchester United Methodist Church . I think Fair Trade is a great concept . It ensures that producers ( usually in Third World countries ) get a fair price for their work so they can make a decent living . It prohibits child labor and forced labor , guarantees that men and women receive equal pay for equal work , and ensures safe and healthy working conditions . The MUMC market has been held for seven years . Originally , it lasted one weekend and they brought in their merchandise from one Fair Trade store in the area . Now it lasts for two weekends and this year they had six different vendors . There was clothing , jewelry , art , musical instruments , games , home décor , food , books , toys , and holiday items from more than 50 countries for sale . I think they had an even wider selection of goods this year than in previous years . I saw the all my favorites - the beautiful soapstone sculptures , the South American fabric throws and purses , the Peruvian alpaca scarves and hats , and the wide selection of Christmas ornaments . However , there were also beautiful ( microwave safe ! ) dishes from Africa , packages of yummy - looking dried fruit , and handmade body - care products . The most unique item ? Elephant dung paper journals and stationary ! Although a lot of the products at the Market were for women and children and my gift list skews more towards adult males , I didn 't come away empty - handed . Neither did Tony ! After we finished our shopping , we stopped at a small performance stage and watched some traditional dances from the country of India . If they follow their pattern , next year 's market will be held the weekend before Thanksgiving and the weekend after . If youPosted by The whole family was home for Thanksgiving , so I made sure the refrigerator and pantry were stocked with a variety of foods . Turkey and dressing are wonderful , but I figured that over the course of the weekend we 'd be ready to move on to something else . I love this French Dip for its taste and convenience . I cooked the roast and cooled it , sliced and layered it in a casserole , then poured the au jus over the top and put the whole thing in the refrigerator so everyone could help themselves to a sandwich whenever they wanted . It 's important to use bread that won 't fall apart when it 's saturated with juice ! SLOW COOKER FRENCH DIP4 pounds rump roast2 ( 10 . 5 ounce ) cans beef broth1 envelope dry French onion soup mix1 ( 12 fluid ounce ) can or bottle beerItalian bread or crusty rollsTrim excess fat from the rump roast , and place in a slow cooker . Add the beef broth , onion soup mix and beer . Cook on Low setting for 7 hours . Slice as thinly as possible against the grain of the meat . Serve on good Italian bread or crusty rolls and use the juices for dipping . A friend sent me this . I had fun coming up with the different answers . It 's harder than it looks ! Every word has to be real ; nothing can be made up . If you try it , let me know how you do . What is the first letter of your last name - - - - - G . 4 Letter Word - - - - - giveA Boy 's Name - - - - - GeorgeA Girl 's name - - - - - GailAn Occupation - - - - - garbage collectorA Color - - - - - greenSomething you wear - - - - - glassesA Beverage - - - - - GatoradeA Food - - - - - guacamoleSomething found in the bathroom - - - - - guest towelA place - - - - - GeorgiaA Reason for being late - - - - - got lostSomething you shout - - - - - Go ! What good is it having a blog if you can 't toot your own horn ? My presentation on Saturday went fantastically , thank - you - very - much . I was the last of several speakers that were presenting to a group of women from numerous churches over a three - day period . I didn 't have a lot of time to think about my presentation early on , but whenever I did I was a bit nervous . Would I make a mistake ? Would I forget what I had to say ? Would the audience like what I had to say ? At breakfast Saturday morning , several people wished me luck . It made me feel less apprehensive , knowing they were pulling for me . After breakfast we met in the conference room to get the day started . The first speaker of the day gave her awesome talk , then finished it with inspiring music that got me pumped up ; it was a signal that it was almost time for me . When her music finished I left the room to get ready . Since I was speaking after breakfast , I had originally dressed in jeans and a tee - - I didn 't want to have any spills down the front of my good shirt ! My dress clothes were in a room off the main foyer of the building , so I quickly grabbed them and changed in the bathroom . I spoke to a couple of my fellow team members for a few minutes , then got a signal that it was time to enter the conference room . I spoke for about a half - hour . The audience seemed very interested , chuckled at all the appropriate parts , and seemed to empathize with me . I stumbled over a word once or twice , but I don 't think it was too obvious . I used my printed script more than I thought I would , but since the other presenters also did , I didn 't feel too bad about it . When I was done everyone applauded . I left the room to change my clothes again , and missed most of the group discussion . However , several people who were there told me that there was some great exchanges going on , and later in the day I had people come and strike up a conversation with me about my talk . I 'm not the world 's most eager public speaker . I 'll do it , but I don 't necessarily seek it out . As part of a church event that 's happening this weekend , I 've been asked to give a presentation . In front of a group . With a microphone . When I was invited to do it over the summer I thought for a few minutes , then said " Yes " . Life is boring without challenges ! I 've been working up to the main event for a couple of months . Back in September I wrote the first draft of the talk , and presented it to a handful of people . I used their comments to make revisions , and then delivered it to a group of women I know . Again , I got feedback that I used to fine tune my thoughts . I 've read over it multiple times since then and tweaked a word or two . This week I printed it out in a large font with double - spaced paragraphs . It will serve as a script , but I 'm so familiar with the content by this point that I think I won 't have to refer to it much . In order to boost my confidence on the big day , I 've picked out a pair of pants that make me feel good and two different shirts . One is short - sleeved , in case it 's warm , and the other is a sweater . I 'll bring both and be ready for any eventuality . I 'm also putting my most comfortable shoes in the pile of things to take . I 'll be standing in front of a podium , and it 's hard to feel confident when your feet hurt ! There will be a chance to practice in the room before I give my talk . I 'll be able to check out the seating arrangement , the microphone , and the sound system . There will be about 60 people in the audience . Half of them will be friendly faces , so I 'll be able to pick them out if I need some reassurance . After all my practice I 'm confident I 'll do a good job . I 'm hoping to leave all my butterflies HERE , and not take them with me . One of my new bloggy friends is Mr . Toast of Hot Toast and Jam . Some time ago he issued an invitation for his first annual Christmas Tea on Tuesday , December 1st ; I finally got around to accepting today . I 'm not a big tea drinker , but Mr . Toast says he makes an excellent cup ; I 'm willing to give it a try . According to the invitation , I 'll need to bring some formal attire . Since we 're traveling to Aspen for the big event , I 'm thinking something in velvet or cashmere would be nice . Or maybe both . The weather here has been unseasonably warm , but our forecast calls for chilly and rainy the next few days , so I hope I can start getting acclimated to the cold . Would you like to join me ? Everyone is invited . Doors open at 2 : 00 p . m . , tea will be out from 4 : 00 - 7 : 00 pm , and the after - party will be going until 10 : 00 pm . It would be best , though , if you 'd RSVP to make sure there 's enough tea and scones for everyone . Today 's horoscope said , " You might want to do something very different . " Hmmm . . . how was I going to fit something unconventional into a very busy day ? My To Do list included inside work ( doing dishes and sweeping the kitchen floor , dusting , and picking up wads of cat hair from the wood floor in the dining room and foyer ) and yard work . At first glance , there was no time for " different " . However , I 've discovered that adventure is where you make it , so before I jumped into the chores I decided to dress up to do my housework . When I clean , I usually wear my oldest jeans and a shirt that 's already past its prime . That way I don 't have to feel bad when they get dirty . Today I pulled on an elastic - waist skirt and a short sleeved button - down shirt that wouldn 't be out of place at a nice restaurant . Instead of taking off the earrings I 'd been wearing for the morning 's activities , I left them on and added a necklace . A pair of casual flat shoes completed my look . With the inside chores done , it was time to tackle the outside . I changed into a pair of tennis shoes and got ready to start . There are cannas planted in two spots in the backyard and three spots in the front yard ; they aren 't hardy here , so the rhizomes need to get dug up and come inside until next spring . Unfortunately , the clothes that worked so well inside left something to be desired outside . The skirt kept tangling between my legs as I was digging up the canna clumps , so I went inside and put on a pair of jeans . I did keep on all the other pieces , though . As I was sitting on the ground by the driveway removing the excess dirt from a clump of cannas the neighbor across the street came out to get her mail . She said ' hello ' and gave me a funny look before she went back inside . I wonder if she was jealous of my " look " ? This week I need to produce several dozen copies of two different documents . Normally this isn 't a big deal - - all I have to do is make sure that there 's paper in the printer downstairs and hit Print - - but our printer is on the fritz . I don 't have time to quarterback the problem , so I decided to go to the local copy center and use their copy machines . One problem . . . I needed to have a good original to put on the machine ! After thinking about it for a while , I came up with an easy solution . Today I used the printing system at the local branch of the county library . I use the library 's computers for Internet access most days on my way to work . I log on using my library card number , ( which , sadly , I don 't have memorized , so I have to pull the card out of my wallet each time ) , check my e - mail , read a couple of blogs , and sign off . Although I knew there are some basic Microsoft programs installed on the computers , I 've never had to use them . They came in very handy for today 's project . My first issue was how to access the documents . I e - mailed the files to myself , so it was easy to retrieve them via the Internet . I opened the Word documents , and got ready to print them . The library 's print menu was pretty much like it would be at home , with one additional step . I had to " name " my file so I could identify it when I went to the shared printer . I downloaded both of the documents and sent them to the printer , then logged off my computer . After asking a volunteer who didn 't know what I was talking about , I found the printing station centrally located by the checkout desk . The printer was next to another computer terminal , and connected to a change machine . Fortunately , there were directions predominantly posted . The first step was to log in with your library card number ( so I had to pull out my card out of my purse again ) . That brought up a screen with a queue showing the documents I had sent to be print . I highlighted both documents , inserted the appropriate amount of money in the change machine next to the printer , then clickePosted by I 've been a Catholic all my life , but the other day on Life at Willow Manor I learned that the Pope ( along with the Holy See and the Vatican City State ) has his own official anthem . The music for the Pontifical Anthem and March was composed in 1869 by Charles Gounod for the celebration on April 11 , 1869 of Pope Pius IX 's silver jubilee . In 1949 , Pope Pius XII decided that it would become the papal anthem , and Antonio Allegra , one of the organists of St . Peter 's Basilica , wrote Italian lyrics ; in 1991 Raffaello Lavagna wrote new lyrics in Latin . If you 'd like to read both versions , you can find them on Wikipedia . Today the march is played at solemn State occasions and ceremonies in which the Pope is present . When the Vatican 's flag is ceremonially raised , only the first eight bars are played . In case , like me , your education didn 't include the Pontifical March , here 's a version : Today is Veteran 's Day , a day to honor ALL American veterans , both living and dead . Sadly , though , since the majority of American citizens has never served in uniform , it 's easy to overlook the importance of the day . Government employees had the day off , banks and financial institutions were closed for the day , but none of the other businesses or school districts around here were . As a matter of fact , it 's easy to overlook Veterans Day unless you 're in the mood to shop . It seemed like every store had special sales to " honor " the day . I have to admit I forgot the importance of the day as I was getting ready to leave the house this morning . On the way to work , though , I saw the most awesome sight that helped me to remember what Veterans Day was all about . At the entrance to a subdivision , a row of small American flags had been placed in the common ground . Someone took the time out of their day to plant those symbols of our country for everyone else to see . Seeing those flags made me thankful for all the veterans that have sacrificed for our country . One of the things the 4 - and 5 - year - olds in my preschool class do every morning is say the Pledge of Allegiance . Many of them don 't know all the words , and I don 't know how much of it they actually understand , but I stood a little straighter today when I said it . Have you ever had this happen to you ? You 're composing the best blog post ever . The one that 's going to bring you fame and fortune , and win every award in the book . You 've spent substantial time finding the perfect words to convey your meaning . Right before you 're ready to publish the post , you preview it one more time just to make sure . Looks good . You close the preview . . . AND YOUR WHOLE POST DISAPPEARS ! ! ! ! ! All that 's left is the title . Makes you want to throw the computer out the window and walk away from blogging . . . For the past few weeks I 've been having annoying sinus issues . No infections ; just intermittent pressure and headaches . Allergy medicine takes care of the problem , but I was getting tired of relying on it . An acquaintance asked me if I 'd tried using a neti pot . I hadn 't , but based on her recommendation , I thought it might be a good idea . Today I went to my local drug store , bought a neti pot , and used it for the first time . The neti pot is a small pot used for irrigating the nasal passages with saline solution . It looks like a small teapot with an extra - long spout . They can be made from many materials : ceramic , glass , stainless steel , copper , or plastic . The process has been used for hundreds of years ; historically neti pots were used in yoga to assist in clearing the nasal passages , since controlled breathing plays a central role in the discipline . You can 't breathe well if your nose is stuffed up ! The use of a neti pot requires mixing up a saline solution ( salt and water ) that gets poured through the nasal passages . I purchased a " system " that consisted of a plastic pot , packets of powdered saline solution , and a small plastic spoon to mix the solution . According to the packaging , using the system would provide relief for " . . . nasal congestion , sinus infections , allergies , dry air , post - nasal drip , and rhinitis " . Sounded encouraging . The steps : Prepare the saline solution - - a packet of powdered saline in warm water . Stand in front of the sink , bend over , and breathe through your mouth . This closes the passage from the nose to the mouth so water can 't get into your mouth or throat . Put the tip of the pot into one of your nostrils so that there 's a comfortable seal . The directions recommended starting with the right nostril ; however , since I 'm left handed I figured it would be better to start with that side . Gently bend your head forward and roll it to the left ( right for me ) side . The left ( right ) nostril should be the lowest point . Your forehead should be higher than your chin . The water will enter the upper nostril , anPosted by I love supporting local , independent businesses . Today was all about that . When I left the house , I headed east on Interstate 44 to . My first stop was Euclid Records , in Webster Groves , to pick up a CD I had ordered . We don 't have ANY real record stores left in my neighborhood , and I don 't know of many in the larger metropolitan area . In my opinion , Euclid Records is worth the drive . They have a wide variety of music , including local bands . I love going through the bins of used CDs looking for hidden gems . They also have a great selection of vinyl records , which is always fun for reminiscing . After I left , I continued east on the highway to my next stop . The best radio station in the world , KDHX is having their twice - yearly membership drive , and I volunteered to answer phones today . The station is a listener - supported community radio station that has been broadcasting for more than 20 years . I 've been a member for many years , but I only started volunteering last year . All of the on - air personalities at the station are volunteers who are passionate about the music they play . During the course of the week , you can listen to a cappella , country ( both alternative and traditional ) , folk music , blues , jazz , rock , reggae , and urban music . There are also some eclectic shows that can 't be categorized , and a few talk shows . The phone volunteer room had a large table with chairs arranged around it . There were five phones available . Each volunteer had a stack of forms to use when the phone rang ; the questions on the form acted like a script to lead us through the whole process . There were periods where the phones were quiet , then suddenly multiple lines would ring . I had a few people hang up on me ( wrong numbers ? crank calls ? ) , but the majority of the callers were very nice . The shows are broadcast on the radio and the Internet . During my shift , I took a pledges from people in all parts of the St . Louis area , and from someone in San Francisco . Another volunteer took a call from Phoenix . It was fun talking with some of the staffPosted by Want to have President Obama tell you what the weather is going to be like in your area ? Check out Obama Weather . You 'll get an avatar of the president dressed in whatever clothing is appropriate for your area . The site analyzes information from weather . com ( including the temperature , humidity , and wind ) , and then visualizes the best clothes to wear . The site 's default temperature readings are in Celsius , but it 's easy to switch over to Fahrenheit . It 's not entirely accurate , though . When I entered my city , I got a pretty nice forecast - - highs in the 70s and lows in the 50s , with chance of rain on Sunday , Monday , and Tuesday . That wasn 't exactly what I remembered hearing on the radio this morning , so I checked out my local forecast on MSN Weather . It wasn 't close to the Weatherman - In - Chief 's at all . Then I realized Obama Weather was referring to the weather in Bay St . Louis Mississippi , not St . Louis Missouri ! The site 's developers , who live in Belarus , don 't seem to have gotten around to my area yet . However , the site does have a lot of different locations throughout the world . It was fun to see how the president would dress in different weather extremes . In Anchorage , he 's wearing boots and a parka . In Miami , it 's a tank top , shorts , and flip - flops . If you don 't want Obama showing you the weather , you can have it delivered by Bender from Futurama , Dr . Gregory House from the Fox drama " House " , or Angelina Jolie . I have really thick hair , and I don 't spend a lot of time or energy on it . I wash it in the shower , let it dry naturally , then pull the crown section back and secure it with a barrette . This works well during the warm weather , but now that it 's getting cooler it 's a bit of a problem . I used to have quite a bit of time between my shower and leaving for work . Enough time for my hair to dry . However , now I have less time ; some days I go straight from the gym to work . Because my hair is so thick , the section I secure with the barrette will often still be wet when I go to bed at night ! Today I stopped by the library to check my e - mail in between the gym and work , and decided to use the bathroom on my way out of the building . As part of their " green " initiative , they 've gotten rid of paper towels and installed an energy efficient hand dryer . It 's so powerful that it dries your hands in 10 to 15 seconds , and makes the skin on your hands ripple and move around in a weird way . I 've been in this bathroom multiple times , but today , for the first time , I thought about alternate uses for this powerful hand dryer . No one else was in the room , so I decided to use it to blow my hair dry . It was quite difficult ; the nozzle doesn 't rotate to blow air up . I had to bend over at the waist , stick my head under the dryer , and get close enough to trigger the automatic motion detector . I ended up getting the underside of my hair more than the top . It did NOT get dry , but in 20 seconds the dampness was substantially gone . An added benefit - - when I stood up , my hair was fluffy and tousled like a Cosmo cover girl . Just the look I was going for as a preschool assistant teacher ! Happy El Día de los Muertos ( aka The Day of the Dead ) ! This day commemorates family members and friends who have died . It 's a holiday celebrated in Mexico , and by Latin Americans living in the United States . This afternoon I went to a Day of The Dead observance on Cherokee Street in South St . Louis . Cherokee Street runs east to west south of downtown . The section east of Jefferson is known as an antiques district . I 've shopped there many times , but have never been on the Hispanic District section of the street west of Jefferson . The district , a mixture of restaurants and stores , is five or six blocks long , but the epicenter of today 's festivities was the intersection of Cherokee and California Avenues . According to Wikipedia , Day of the Dead traditions include " building private altars honoring the deceased , using sugar skulls , marigolds , and the favorite foods and beverages of the departed , and visiting graves with these as gifts . " The ad for today 's celebration promised music , altars , and samples of traditional food . Before I commemorated in the afternoon , though , I started with Mass in the morning . November 1st is the Feast of All Saints , which celebrates all the saints - - the known ones as well as the unknown . After Mass I came home , ate lunch , and fed the cats before I got in the car to start my adventure . Cherokee Street is a half - hour drive from my house . The street was crowded , and it took a few minutes to find a parking place on a side street at the west end of the district . There wasn 't a whole lot to the festival , but it was still fun . Many of the stores had altars or shrines with offerings to the dead . Some were more elaborate than others . A fake graveyard was set up on the sidewalk at the main intersection . The " deceased " were those who died of breast cancer , the uninsured , and the immigrants who died crossing the border to the United States . The only music I heard was from some speakers in one of the building windows ( but it still sounded good ) . As I walked down the street , wonderful smells started wafting Posted by With Tony in Los Angeles , I 'm by myself this Halloween . I decided to celebrate it by staying home and handing out candy . I really enjoy seeing all the different costumes and hearing all the corny jokes the trick - or - treaters come up with . When we moved into this neighborhood 17 years ago there were a lot of young families , but as the subdivision is getting older , there are fewer kids . Last year we had about 100 come to the door ; since tonight was Saturday night , I figured we 'd get the ones from our subdivision and the other nearby ones . I wasn 't sure what time we 'd start getting trick - or - treaters , so at 5 : 00 I opened all the bags of candy , poured them into a bowl , and put the bowl by the front door . I also added a folding chair and a fleece throw ; my plan was to sit in the chair on the front porch once kids started arriving , so I wouldn 't have to keep getting up to open the door . At 5 : 30 no one had shown up yet . I was bored , so I decided to give myself a black rose spray fake facial tattoo . Later in the evening a girl told me it looked like I had a huge scar on my cheek . When 6 : 00 rolled around without anyone ringing the doorbell , I looked out the front window to see if anyone was on the street . ( There wasn 't . ) It was getting dusky , so I turned on the porch light and the foyer light inside the house . At 6 : 15 I heard a group of kids on the street behind us . I figured they 'd be coming my way soon , but the cats ( who hide upstairs at the first sign of action ) didn 't look too concerned . It turns out they were right . No trick or treaters . At 6 : 30 I started computing how many calories I 'd consume if no one came to the door all night and I had to eat all three 36 - count bags of Snack - Size Now and Later . FINALLY , at 6 : 43 the doorbell rang . A group of nine kids was arranged on the porch . After they all did their tricks ( every one of them a corny joke ) , I handed out the candy and they ran down the driveway . They were followed a few minutes later by a second group . I debated whether I should move out onto the porch , but decided to Posted by Welcome ! Thanks for visiting my blog . I live in Manchester , Missouri ( a suburb of St . Louis ) with my husband . Our three boys are all grown and out of the house . We also have two cats who keep us amused with their antics . |
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