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126qdrw

aita for not wanting to take out a mortgage for my immigrant parents?

my parents are leaving a totalitarian country to come closer to me here in us. instead of renting out, they'd like to take out a mortgage and pay into their own place. half way into looking for an apartment the country they are from gets flagged as sanctioned and they no longer take any loan out. they want me to take out a mortgage on my name instead (im a citizen, my credit is great so it works out to a better rate after all). the plan is - they have enough for 25% down payment and funds to last through three years of mortgage payments. during that time they are planning to learn the language and get a job to continue keeping up with payments. i originally said ye wanting to truly help them. the more i look into taking out my first mortgage for a place im not even living in (meaning im still gonna be renting in a state where my job is) the more it scares me. i help my parents for months now with everything- real estate search, agents, broker, translating everything etc etc. its like im immigrating all over again, and yet i help everywhere i can because i love them and they never did me wrong in life. now looking into mortgage, i have doubts (a month after saying yes ill do it) so of course i wrote everything down for them and after a week of sleepless nights trying to wrestle with not offending them, i sent my questions out. my debt to income ratio will be maxed out, how would i later get a mortgage of my own place? you both are at your 50s, if anything happens im stuck with a payment for years and years? if nothing happens hopefully, are you planing to work till you are 80yo to keep up with payments? to my shock, i got a big message from my dad (that doesn't speak that much usually) on how they've always been so great to me, they did their job as parents and now its time for me to do my job as a kid. he brought up my moms breast cancer saying he doesn't know how much she has left and he wants her to live a happy remainder of her life in their own place (that one really struck me deep, i felt truly terrible for even bringing anything up). i took a couple days to distance and digest what actually happened. i do not think mortgage like that is the right decision for me (im 25 and just started feel ok financially after immigrating myself). but i love them so much and would die for them tomorrow if asked. im shocked they try to guilt me into taking out so much debt, but im not sure if i would forgive myself if anything happens to them and i didn't give them a good home when i could. am i the asshole for thinking it's all a bad idea?

nta

nta but learn this phrase: parents are supposed to support their kids; it is not the kid’s responsibility to support the parents. you are an adult. if you don’t set up healthy boundaries now, they will run all over you later. financial abuse can happen to anyone so protect yourself and your future first, ok?

nta you will be left holding that bag and it will drown you.

126qium

aita for telling my friend she can't bring her dog to my apartment

hi all bear with me here. my partner and i are planning into a 3 bedroom loft style apartment in june. we signed the lease and everything. only down side is that it's a no dogs building. which is fine for my partner and i since we aren't planning to get a dog just yet. my friend who has the sweetest golden retriever ever is pushing me about letting her dog still come over to hang out when she comes over. this is fine in my current apartment since dogs are allowed. i told her the dog can't come over anymore since it's a no dogs allowed building. and she kept saying that she doesn't know of any apartment complexes that are against a dog just visiting for a a short time and it's fine if they aren't staying long term. i told her no because i'm not willing to risk getting kicked out of this place. (its a besutiful apartment thay is perfect for my partner and i). and my thinking if that yes this apartment company is dog friendly but only certain buildings. so people are obviously choosing this building to be away from dogs and people could have severe allergies or fears or anything else. note: the apartment is going to be on the third floor so it would be quite hard to hide an 80 lb dog while getting to said apartment. but she got fairly mad at me that i don't want him to come over once we move. and i told her it's not like i don't want to see him (the dog) anymore and i'll come over or we can go on walks or go to the dog park. but he can't come into my new place. so am i the asshole? (i don't think i am but just want to see if there could be another side i'm not seeing) new note: this dog is going to be 11 by the way. so he is an elderly dog.

nta

nta. why is she being so insistent about this? it's bizarre.

hell no you are nta. why do dog owners feel that no dog rule’s don’t apply to them

126qnrx

wibta for not replacing my bfs phone?

we share a single bed at my place due to space and it is against the wall. he likes to sleep on the open end so i have to crawl over him to get out of bed. he sets alarms for hours that dont wake him up but they wake me up so i get out of bed before him, this usually involves taking off the duvet from my side and climbing over him. well, he turned off his alarm and put his phone onto the duvet between us and when i took the duvet off of just myself the phone slid off the bed and cracked. its an iphone, they suck, but its expensive and he pays monthly and i don't know about insurance yet since it just happened, but wibita if i dont pay to replace it? if i didnt get out of bed it wouldn't have broken, but who leaves their phone on the duvet and goes to sleep???? hes literally still asleep now he doesn't care. he used to use a phone case but took it off to clean the charging port a week or more ago and didn't bother putting it back on. honestly i think hes careless but i can see why if it was me i'd be upset and want him to contribute, but i also wouldn't put a caseless phone on a duvet next to someone else who might move.

nta

nta. you could maybe help him out if you can and want to. he is mainly at fault though because who sleeps with their phone in the bed.

nta, for 2 reasons. you had no idea it was there, if you knew about the phone i'm sure your actions would have been different. he placed was careless and left it in a spot where it was likely for something to happen. if he had placed his phone on the bedside table this situation would have been avoided.

126qtxj

aita for verbally saying a plasma donation hurt?

i donate plasma regularly. in my experience, regardless of how many years someone has been doing it, some people know how to poke an arm and some don't. i've had painless and i've had jump out of your seat 'ya-ouch!" last night was the worst ya-ouch i've ever had. it was awful going in, hurt the entire time i donated and awful as it came out. now i do not blame people for poking my arm and it hurts. it's a needle, i get it. but when i expressed that wow does this hurt, the response from the person who poked me was sort of shitty imo. no "i'm sorry" or show of remorse. all i got was "well it is a needle so..." in a passive aggressive tone. and after i said that it really hurt i immediately could tell they were legit mad at me. like went dead silent, stone cold facial expression, and just felt cold and off putting. i felt bad because i didn't mean to insult them, even saying to them "i'm sorry that just really hurt was all" but more i thought about it the more i started to resent the person as why should i feel sorry for being hurt and being resented in turn for saying so? i didn't say anything mean, i still said thank you and i'm not going to report anybody or any bullshit like that. but aita for resenting them for being upset and for me expressing that yeah that needle to the arm friggen hurt a lot?

nta

nta, their response was enough to show you that you weren't the first complaint they've had.

nta. as a lifelong blood donor i've had exactly the same experiences. as you say, some people have the knack, others don't. eta, i also apparently have "lovely, prominent veins" which make my donation very easy. but on the least pleasant experience i left a sizable donation on the floor as well.

126r0ko

wibta for skipping my own surprise party?

i’m raging, but i realize i need some perspective. my (25f) birthday is today. i’ve never been a big surprise/party person, i like to celebrate my birthday by usually doing something a bit quieter that i know i’ll really enjoy. in light of this, i bought tickets for this friday to see my favorite band. bought them almost a full year ago. when i say favorite band, i mean #1 played artist on my spotify for the past 5 years, cry to in the shower, know the lyrics to every song favorite band. but i’ve never seen them live! and i’ve had a year to plan. even got myself a cute little concert outfit. skip to three weeks ago, i mentioned something to my flatmate about how excited i am for the 31st & long story short she spills the beans that my friend planned/paid for “something” for that day, and said i should cancel my plans. the first issue here is, i’m worried what they have planned. the friend who apparently “paid for” this “surprise birthday thing” is big into getting tables at these london clubs, and that’s very sweet but i’m just not that kind of girl. and i was waiting for a year for this concert. when i expressed my concerns (just politely saying that i wished someone had asked if i was free) i was met with a surprising lack of sympathy, and again told to cancel “whatever i had going on.” the second issue… because i still did want to do something (small) with my friends for my birthday, i made dinner reservations weeks ago for the day after the concert (saturday). i told them all and they all said they were looking forward to it. and i mentioned it more than once, even talked to one of them about it two days ago. i found out today that all three of them made plans without me for saturday. they’re going to a game together. everyone forgot about the dinner, no one invited me. no one’s doing anything tonight for me either. not that i needed anything… but, you know, who wants to spend their 25th birthday alone? i’d really rather go to the concert and say screw them. would i be the asshole if i just ghosted them and ditched my own birthday surprise?

nta

nta. enjoy the concert!

who plans a party for someone without checking to see if they are free first?!?! nta. that is straight up crazy. go to your concert. but don't ghost them. tell them exactly why you're not going to be there, because nobody even thought to check with you first.

126r6d7

aita for calling out my partner’s gross habit?

so my partner (46 m) has this weird habit of making spit bubbles and sort of playing with his spit. like, he will blow saliva bubbles and spit onto his own lip and suck it back into his mouth repeatedly. it both looks and sounds disgusting. i realize that he could have some sort of sensory compulsion… but the thing is—it seems he only does it when i’m trying to talk to him about serious issues. he never does it when he’s doing anything else, nor when he’s talking to anyone else. he has some other severely narcissistic tendencies, so maybe i’m biased about this, but it feels like he’s doing purposefully to make me uncomfortable and disrespect me, or get me distracted from the issue i’m discussing. i’ve ignored it for a long time, but it’s honestly so gross and upsetting, i can’t take it anymore. when i call him out, he either acts like i’m crazy and he wasn’t doing it, or he claims that he “has mucus” and says i’m making him feel bad about having mucus. it’s just that, plenty of people have mucus but they don’t spit it onto their lips and suck it back in like a kid with bubble gum. so am i crazy to believe he’s doing it on purpose to be disrespectful? or could this be some sort of compulsion he doesn’t realize and nah? or is it like he said and i’m ta for “making fun of him for having mucus”?

nta

nta. that's gross. when you say "46m" do you mean "46 months old" because that would actually make sense.

nta that’s what babies and toddlers do. he’s 100% being disrespectful and not wanting to hear you out. i would set up a camera recording him doing it next time he wants to deny it.

126r8xl

aita for kicking him out and then telling everyone?

quick background first: moved alone to the country i'm currently living in a few years back in my early 20's, received financial help from my parents since then, and couple years ago received a diagnose that, unbeknownst to my knowledge, allowed me the state's financial aid and participation in a bunch of activities that have since helped me greatly. i'm considerably more independent than i ever was, and i hold a job for almost a year now at a rehabilitation center. ​ i met my roommate in one of those government projects. great, charismatic guy that came from a less-than-favorable childhood (his birth dad is currently in prison) and got adopted to some pretty great step-parents (amazing mom, father passed away recently). i went through some pretty bad trauma too, so we bonded fast, quickly going to each other's houses and talking every other day. ​ he had money problems though. an ex-wife and a child, and huge debts from the time with her. recently, discovered they all came from loans he used to take to pay for present and trips for both of them. ​ before we moved in, he told me this story about this inheritance he had, and that he just needed to pay some taxes and very soon he would have all the money that he needed. he would be able to pay all his debts, all the money he borrowed from his parents, yada yada. i believed him, being the pushover i was (and still am sometimes, gotta be careful of that!), and lent him money. i took loans just to help him, and emptied all of my bank account. ​ last month or so, after i had recovered from all this financial mess and just wanted to finish the contract i had and get out, i checked my bank account to see it was almost empty. i quickly glanced through, and found out three checks that were deposited, to my roommate's account, without my permission. craziest thing was, because they were deposited through the bank app, i had pictures of them. and they were written by him. with a signature that wasn't mine. ​ oh, i got mad. started yelling and crying, said i was gonna call the police, his mom, the landlords, and i-don't-know-what. he didn't want any of that. said he would lose his daughters custody, and would hurt himself if i did anything. so, a made a deal with him. ​ i made him sign a check, for me, with all the money he had taken and i had lent him, up to this point. i told him he was gonna leave the house until the month's end, and i was gonna deposit the check, and no one would know anything. but i don't want that. i want him to leave, and instead of depositing his check, i want to call the cops, tell his mom about everything, and inform the landlords, not before switching the house locks and keys. ​ so, aita? for not honoring the deal i made with him, and instead of being quiet and getting my money, telling everyone about everything? honestly i don't even know if he's gonna leave, so worst comes to worse i'll just leave myself...

nta

"i took loans just to help him, and emptied all of my bank account." friends don't do that for friends. hell family doesn't do that for each other. taking loans is a severe financial risk especially if your bank account is drained at the same time. "said i was gonna call the police, his mom, the landlords, and i-don't-know-what. he didn't want any of that. said he would lose his daughters custody, and would hurt himself if i did anything." you're being bamboozled by a master manipulator who robbed you of all you got and you're on the brink of letting him go scot free. i do not expect this person to pay a single dime before he vanishes with all your money. nta but you are horribly naïve and you need to get the authorities involved. he committed *fraud*.

nta this man stole money by writing fraudulent checks. that is a serious crime and any consequences he faces is not your responsibility. you absolutely should not let him get away with this, especially considering how generous you were in taking loans to help him. he sees you as an easy source of money and you have no reason to believe he won’t do the same or worse if you let him stay. even if he returns your money, he can still be arrested and charged. cops, landlords, changing locks after he’s gone, all good options. protect yourself, you don’t owe him anything. past trauma is no excuse for stealing from the person helping you and he does not deserve sympathy.

126ronb

aita for not being a very present uncle?

my (23m) brother (26m) has a baby. he and i are not close at all, never have been. i've never been invited to his house before or after my nephew was born. never once to babysit or visit or anything. i would see them anytime we had a big family even still, during christmases or just get togethers. i would also see my nephew at my parents sometimes when my brother wasn't there. we didn't have beef, we were just different people with different lives. i've never been a family man, i dont want children at all and he always did. i didn't obsess about seeing my nephew like my parents are. my brother didn't seem to have a problem with me not coming over on my own (like i said, never an invite) but my parents had a huge issue with it. they'd bring it up any time i saw them that "we're all we got". seemed like they needed me to be this perfect uncle and that i should just go over whenever because we're family but that's not how i see it. cut to over a week ago and for three days straight it's the same lecture, this time in a group text with my dad and brother. and he was saying how we both should make more effort to see each other and i explain why we don't. we both work full time, both have houses now and i'm not a family guy. i didnt mention how i was never invited over cause they knew that but didn't care. after saying this i get a call from pops getting big time screamed at and saying i'm a "grown ass man and can make my own choices" and talking about "all the stuff he does for me". last i checked i dont owe him to be the uncle he wants me to be, my brother didn't say anything. i didnt get a chance to talk in the call and he hung up after his yell fest. he called back hours later with the most half assed "apology" i ever heard and said how i "made my point clear". havent heard anything since and it feels like an irreparable rift was made. i don't mind cause i've gotten criticism for every big or small thing i've done. i don't feel bad at all for what i said or how i am, but should i?

nta

nta, another case of parents projecting on their children and creating an issue when there is none present. ignore it or block them.

nta i would block them all lol bye felicia i don't need nor want the headache

126s1tl

aita for correcting my coworker in front of our supervisor?

background information: i work for a fairly small company that sends a couple employees and a supervisor to each site, there is no real chain of command or hierarchy outside of the supervisor. that being said my (26m) coworker (30?m) likes to act as an expert and has taken up showing our new supervisor around and explaining everything to her. also relevant is that i am autistic and very low verbal, i can sometimes talk but not very often and essentially never at work. (we receive a list of tasks on our tablets each day so we don't really need to talk unless there is an issue). i also have fairly significant scarring from an accident when i was young including a very large one across the side of my throat. now the actual incident: i was walking past my coworker and our supervisor and i heard him tell her that i was mute and brain damaged due to a car accident and was here mostly just for tax reasons. this bothered me enough that i stopped to say that i am not brain damaged and then returned to my work. i didn't think about it a whole lot beyond being annoyed by it until my coworker came to me later extremely upset about it. he said that i had humiliated him in front of our supervisor and threatened to report me for faking a disability for work benefits. i found this a little funny because there is not a single job i can think of that gives you any benefits for being disabled and it is something i actively avoid mentioning unless necessary to avoid the negatives but either way i just told him that i am autistic, not brain damaged and my scars are completely unrelated. he was still very upset and said i was ruining his career but left it at that. now i didn't really think i did anything wrong but i am also aware that small things can really hurt your job so i am concerned that maybe this was a lot worse than i thought. so am i the asshole for correcting his assumptions in front of the supervisor?

nta

nta. report him to hr. he is sharing false information about you with your supervisor!

nta. if your coworker is speaking about your health conditions, he's speaking out of turn. his humiliation is of his own making. he made an ass of himself, remember that if this goes to a "round two." and have a go to response for him, like "please do not speak of my health or well-being without my direct consent. you don't know my history, and it's not yours to tell or invent."

126s6ip

wibta for not giving my friend adderall and hiding it?

hello i (20f) am hanging out with my friend today. i recently started taking adderall and i’m worried that when i tell my friend they might ask me for some. the thing about my friend is that they’ve substance issues in the past. i’m worried that if i were to give it to them they would get addicted to it because they have an addictive personality. they are usually super understanding of my boundaries but when it comes to substances i’m not sure how understanding they’ll be. i’m afraid they also might try to steal it because i know they’ve stolen their nephews adderall before. i’m also thinking about hiding it. i feel bad for not trusting them with this but i honestly can’t; especially because they’re going through a hard time right now. wibta?

nta

your, (presumably prescription), drug use is *none of your friends business*. do not mention your adderall at all. of course you should “hide” your pills. it’s called *being discrete*, and if you think your friend would steal them, its called being *smart*. nta

nta- your rx is for you only. its not a matter of not trusting them, keeping an rx med away from someone who might abuse it is a responsible thing to do.

126s6lo

aita for not remembering my grandmothers birthday when everyone forgets that i even exist.

my birthday was last week (turned 26) and for the past 7 or 8 years ive spent it alone. my grandmother told me the week before that they were having a party for my great grandmother (whos been dead for a really really long time) whos birthday is the day after mine. i decided to go to the party and while i was there i ask my grandmother when my birthday was and she got it correct but add "i was gonna call but i decided not too" she also asked when her birthday was and i always get the month and the day wrong but the year right she also gave me $20 and my boyfriend saw her give another kid (who was like a distant cousin) $50. about 5 years ago i stopped celebrating everyones birthdays except my little sisters and my sons.

nta

nta why would you care about people who don't care enough about you? if they don't want to aknowldege your birthday - you have the right to do the same. but the money thing is ridiculous, why are you angry over a kid getting more money from the grandma than you... a 26 year old

they throw a birthday party for the dead but not for the living (you)? it sounds as though you're right to be lc with them. don't extend yourself anymore. let them figure it out. nta.

126sc75

aita for taking my step-daughter to the doctor?

so a couple months ago my step-daughter came home with a nasty infection under her eye the covered a decent amount of her face. it was so bad it looked like it had blistered. her mother told us that she had it for almost a week and that when her "nurse" mother-in-law came to visit looked at it and said it was fine and she should just cover it with a bandaid. the next day was monday and my my step-daughter developed a small fever. because of the infection i was worried that it was causing the fever and she could get much worse really fast if we didn't do anything. i do have permission from her father my fiance to take her to the doctor. took her to the doctor, where we found out that it was a very serious and contagious infection, that could have lead to serious complications especially since it was located in the death zone of her face. i made the comment that step-daughters grandma (mom's mother-in-law) is not a doctor. this got back to her mom, mom messages fiance telling him i'm a cow, tells him to keep his dog in her cage, claims i had no right to take her to the doctor, since mother in law looked at it and said it was fine. she since then has blocked me and refuses to talk to me. it's nice not gunna lie. but aita for saying the mother-in-law isn't a doctor and taking my step-daughter to the doctor when she was sick and her father was at work?

nta

absolutely nta. you may have saved your stepdaughter's life. your fiancé needs to go to court and challenge bio mom's fitness. his daughter's life isn't worth sacrificing for her grandma's ego. kudos to you.

nta. if she talks to you ever, ask her to adress you as" mrs cow who saved my daughter from a nasty infection "

126scvq

wibta for letting my teenage kids keep sharing their bedroom?

i (39f) have two adopted children, danny (15f) and caleb (13m). i also have two biological children, liam (19m) and jules (17f.) danny and caleb have been with us for about a year and a half. they’re biological siblings who came from a very bad living situation, so there’s a lot of trauma and other things we’ve had to learn how to help with. they’re both doing so much better now and i’m very proud of them. danny is extremely protective of caleb. she’s loosened up quite a bit, but they’re still very close and she still protects him if she feels she has to. when they first came to us, they didn’t want separate bedrooms- danny absolutely refused to leave caleb every night. danny and caleb have shared the biggest room ever since, and we’ve used the room that was going to be caleb’s room as an office. everyone seems fine with this. recently, my husband (43m) has brought up to me that he thinks caleb should move out of danny’s room. caleb will be fourteen soon, and in my husband’s own words “teenage boys are gonna do teenage boy things, and teenage girls are gonna do teenage girl things, and they’re both going to need their space.” he brought up that liam and jules shared a room when they were younger too, but they got their own rooms when jules turned ten, and they were both happy about it. i disagree- while they’ve both made incredible progress, i don’t think danny is ready for that. from what i understand, she took the brunt of their bad situation in order to protect caleb, and that’s still affecting how much she protects him now. she’s all right with caleb being separated from her at school, but she’s with him all the time at home. they do sometimes need space from each other, and that does happen, but the majority of the time they’re in the same room. caleb is also very attached to danny, and they both seem perfectly fine sharing their room. i feel like we should bring the idea up to them and ask them if they want to have separate rooms, instead of just deciding that it’s time. my husband disagrees and says that it’s past time and we just need to do it- his idea is to remodel the office room in time for caleb’s birthday, and have that be his main gift. my husband and i have been arguing over this for about a week. he thinks danny and caleb need their own rooms, i don’t think danny is ready for that yet. the kids are both healing well, but they’re just not ready for this step. my husband pointed out yesterday that i may be focusing too much on helping with their trauma instead of trying to help them move past it, and now i can’t help but feel that maybe he’s right. i believe my husband is the asshole for trying to rush the kids into something i don’t think they’re ready for. he believes i’m the asshole for preventing the kids from having their own space and dealing with the past. so i’m asking for help here: would i be the asshole for letting danny and caleb continue to share their room?

nta

nta the children, *foster* children, should have a say in their living arrangements. if they’re not bothered, you and your husband shouldn’t be nor should they be forced i highly doubt so has experienced what danny and caleb have, do not disturb their peace because so thinks it’s “right” — what do danny and caleb think? all i read are assumptions and conversations between the adults and nothing being discussed with those actually impacted

nta, so far. please bring this up to their counselors first, to get a professional assessment. then, ask each kid separately. not together! separately. dad will have to give up his idea of "surprise" and be educated on how people who have had trauma do not like surprise. dad shows he lacks understanding of the kids' trauma and current diagnoses. dad also shows that he prioritizes his own feelings over the actual needs of the actual kids. put dad in counseling, too. you are torn between the kids' emotional realities and their age-appropriate needs. seek guidance from the counselors before approaching kids, then approach the older one first, by herself. take her answer back to the counselor and move forward from there.

126see7

aita i (30f) told my best friend (29f) that she was changing her goals to fit the new guy she's "not" trying to date. she hung up on me and we haven't spoken since.

hi reddit! my (30f) best friend (29f), we'll call her a, had a horrible breakup a couple years ago. she, obviously, had trouble adjusting to her new life. for instance, she got a new job at the same company as her ex (31m) and his affair partner. then wondered why she felt outcasted... she finally left that job for a different one to reset her social life. a found a hottie (26m) to bang at her new job and was seeming really stable and emotionally intelligent. she would tell me she's not ready to date, so it is super casual. but also that she was setting boundaries around newhottie's interactions with other ladies at work. (exclusive doesn't sound casual to me...) he works in a parallel department, adjacent to her desired field. and told him as such on one of their dates. "yes that position works for you, but i have a different plan in mind". and then she starts using time at work to learn his field and switch to his department. a sudden change of heart is allowed, so i don't mention anything about it then. a went back to school and got a degree in her field. she worked really hard and completed something for her own personal gain and ambition. i'm so proud of her. i get some time off from work so i drive out to visit her to celebrate her new degree! it is around the time of year she got dumped by her cheating ex, and she wasn't sure she'd be up for anything grand. but i said i would come and have whatever style of weekend she wanted. meanwhile, newhottie said the "l" word and a absolutely could not cope. their dynamic changed and she refuses to acknowledge it. in desperate attempts to re-establish a connection with him she starts making huge, expensive, elaborate plans to coax him into joining us while i'm in town. he doesn't come (because why would you meet your fling's best friend? i thought it was casual) and she spends every evening sulking on her phone or crying upstairs. whatever, it's a weird situation. i love her no matter what. so, applications for newhottie's department come up last weekend and she's down on herself because she's not ready to apply (she's new to the skills, there was some pressure from her current boss to not apply. lots of factors). and i say fuck that job, then! a says to me, "why is it so bad that i want this?" it caught me off guard. so i said, "it's not bad. you're awesome no matter what and you didn't want that job til you met newhottie anyway." and she flips out and says, "oh so now i have no drive and it's just boys for me then??!!" and hangs up. i sent her texts that i adore her, how proud of her i am, and that she will have so many opportunities in her field. that if she wants to talk about it i'll listen without inserting my opinion. crickets ever since. am i the asshole?

yta

yta. instead of being supportive, you accused her of being shallow and unmotivated in her career. she finally saw you for who you really are and decided to cut you off. good riddance.

soft yta - you sound like you were trying to be supportive, but really fumbled in your delivery. yes, maybe she had no interest in this particular area of work before meeting the new guy, but found that it was challenging and exciting once she was introduced to it… that’s how people discover new passions and hobbies. just because she only started showing interest in this area of work after hooking up with a guy doesn’t mean that she is/was driven to get into that line of work because of him - you suggesting that makes it seem like the guy has power over her/line she isn’t capable of making decisions on her likes/dislikes and future career prospects on her own.

126sfos

aita for interupting a basketball game

i go to the gym several times a week at 6 am. i've got a tight schedule to do the things i want. 15 minutes to wake up and go to the gym. 15 minutes of cardio, 15 minutes of shooting hoops, and 15 minutes of lifting. 15 minutes to go home. home by 7:15 to help with the kids then go to work. 99 out of 100 times when i shoot hoops at that time of day i am the only one or there is one other person. shooting hoops is possibly my favorite things to do. the court at my gym is half court with one hoop. this morning when i go, a couple guys were playing one on one. i put my bag down, take out my ball and start shooting. one guy checks up and the score is like 2-1. so they just started and i don't have time wait for them to finish. well they get mad at me for disrupting their game. i'm like hey man, i'm just trying to get some shots up. they tell me they were here first and they just started so i should wait. i told them i don't have time to wait and just kept shooting. they got mad and left. was i the asshole?

yta

yta let's say you're on the treadmill, doing your thing when someone comes and gets on with you because "they don't have time to wait."

yta. you think you're the only person with a schedule? the only person who enjoys basketball? everyone pays to go to that gym, right? what makes you any more superior to them? you knew they just started. you knew you were ta.

126sixi

aita for pointing out that my friend doesn't walk their dog?

to preface, this is a throwaway since my friends know my usual account. i (m23) live with two other roommates in a house. my friend alex (m26) lives with his partner paul (25m) in an apartment: just the two of them and their dog harley, who is a lab shepherd mix. i've been looking into adopting a dog, with the ok from my roommates, landlord, and other applicable parties (roommates' partners, etc). i fell in love with a shepherd mix and eagerly told alex that soon harley will have a playmate, as i am in the adoption process currently (meeting the dog, trial periods, etc). alex kinda frowned and asked me if it was a good idea for me to get a dog, since i work 9-5 and go to the gym daily for 1-2 hours. he asked if i'd have time, and that it would be unfair since dogs need attention and walks - all of which are true! i asked him why he would think i wouldn't have time for a dog, and he just shrugged and said that owning a dog isn't all rainbow and sunshines and they need lots of time, attention, and activity, especially for the breed i was looking at. i responded back that it was funny he was saying that, seeing as he and paul don't walk harley at all. harley is walked once, maybe twice a week if he's lucky, and is really only brought downstairs to use the bathroom. alex got offended and said that he and paul don't have time since alex works a 9-5 and paul works upwards of twelve hours a day, and they do the best they can for harley. since then, alex has kept making remarks about the shepherd mix, each kind of getting more passive-aggressive than the last. i asked my sister and she said that it was rude to have pointed out harley and the walks, since i know that alex and paul are hard workers providing everything that harley needs, and the dog is by no means mistreated or neglected. she thinks i should've accepted alex's comment and reassured that i would have/make the time for a dog. aita?

esh

esh. sounds like none of you should have high energy dogs.

esh and none of you should have or get a dog, especially not a high energy breed

126slwq

aita for not taking a loan my other needs

long story short: my mother and sister need a 10k loan to avoid a cascade of events that will likely ends up with them in prison. neither of them can get a loan. my mother, who lives with me completely for free because she has no money nor pension for now (long story) asked me to get the money and give them to her. i don't want to. i am sorry for them i truly am, and it is killing me a little, but i have already taken a loan to help in the past and i am done. still paying for it. i told my mother i would cover what the sales of their car wouldn't cover, and she went off on me. i understand most people may not consider this an asshole move, but she is my mother and it is prison. i talked with some friends and some agreed with me, others told me i should have because it is my family and i am the ah. so reddit, i know it may seem simple for you but am i?

nta

nta. you have loaned her money that she hasn't paid back. do not go further into debt. the fact that she might go to prison means this isn't just credit card debt getting out of hand. you should keep yourself out of it and stop enabling her apparently criminal behavior

nta... there's obviously a lot of information being left out, but if the result of not getting a loan is *prison*, then i can only imagine they're in a situation due to poor decisions that shouldn't be enabled by putting you at financial risk (especially if you've already done so in the past).

126sttq

aita for not wanting my husband's parents in our home?

ok i'm still figuring how to post and i'm not the best writer. definitely let me know if there are spelling errors or if something needs calified. i'm going to do my best to give you guys all the relevant information. in order to know if i'm truly the asshole, i've got to be honest. i hate my inlaws. i think they are disgusting people who's abusive/neglectful tendencies have harmed all three of thier children. with that said i have been nothing but polite to them for my husband's sake. now i love having people over at our apartment. infact my mom stayed with me for a week when my husband's work took him put of state for over a month. but the idea of my inlaws being in my space makes my skin crawl. i've even converted the second bedroom into a over crowded office, so that they can't stay over. it's not just because i dont like my inlaws, but they are full on hoarders with bedbugs. they've had bedbugs for years but their house is so filthy that the treatmentsdont work and they gave up.because of this, my husband will not let me into thier house when we visit. bedbugs are not even the only bug infestation they have. i mean i had lice once as a kid and it was horrible. all my things had to be bagged up or thrown out. i can't even imagine what that would be like with bedbugs. on top of that, if we were to get bedbugs, our apartment would fine us $4,000. that is money we just don't have and i know for damn sure my inlaws couldn't pay that fine. my husband says thier bedbug problem isn't as bad as it used to be, but to me bedbugs are bedbugs. they still have them. just last week we saw a roach crawl over his mom while on face time. she saw but didn't seem to care. i'm just so grossed out by them and don't even want them on my couch. i mean they can visit us; i just dont want them in my apartment. am i the asshole for not wanting them in my home at all?

nta

nta. keep those filthy hoarders out of your nice clean space.

nta… one bedbug leads to many… don’t let them stay with you… i’m sorry for you husband that he can’t see this… i used to work in hotels and they are awful to get rid of.. protect yourself

126sv8h

aita? girlfriend upset i follow a female comedian who happens to be attractive

i follow a social media comedian that sometimes does skits and other things with cherdlys. they do that "vine" style humor. the comedian happens to be good looking. i wake up this morning to a random text from my girlfriend saying "is this your new crush?", and beneath that a screenshot of amanda's profile with my ig handle listed after the "followed by:" line. i'll admit- i have followed model profiles in the past- around 5 years ago, but my girlfriend calmly brought it up to me and i unfollowed these accounts so as to not hurt her feelings. i should also include that despite my girlfriend being extremely attractive, she suffers from body dysmorphia. i'm unsure if this causes insecurity and jealousy issues, but i'm looking for an outside perspective.

nta

nta- has she ever watched this comedian? maybe watch together.

nta. she has trust issues. if you scrub your entire social media of any attractive girl, she’ll worry you’re hiding it. or she’ll get upset when you glance at girls in real life. this doesn’t get solved until she deals with her issues.

126t1qh

aita for refusing to organize bachelorette for a friend who didn't invite me to her weeding?

my friend (26f), let's call her savvanah is getting married late this month in a different city. i (26f) and three of our other girl friends won't be able to attend the wedding. savvanah didn't even invite us, probably because she thought since we wouldn't be able to make it, why even invite them? she just told us about the wedding and other functions leading up to it. it is an indian wedding, so yeah, there will be a lot of pre- and post-wedding functions, most of which will be in the other town, but some will be in our hometown (where we all are living now). she didn't even invite us to those functions that will be in the home town. today she called me and asked about her bachelorette. in all honesty, i totally forgot about it, and none of our other girlfriends mentioned it even once, so i told her i'd get in touch with other girls and see what we could do. when i contacted our other friends, all of them refused. everyone is saying that if she can't even invite us to one of our pre-wedding functions or any function, why should we organise anything for her? call me dumb, but i didn't even think about this, but when they mentioned it, i realised she should at least invite us. i don't know what is wrong or right. i mean, i understand social protocol, and technically she should invite us to her wedding or any other functions, but at the same time, i don't want her to be sad because all her girlfriends refused to organise her bachelorette. what am i supposed to do? i cannot organise a whole party on my own. my other friends will think of me as a traitor. aita for refusing to organise the bachelorette? ​ edit 1: after reading all the comments, i have decided to meet with her tomorrow. i was going to meet my boyfriend tomorrow so i'll ask her to join us too. since this will be the last time we are meeting, i just want to send her off properly! will update you guys, if anything interesting happens

nta

nta if you were invited but couldn't make it to the ceremony but wanted to take part in the bachelorette that's one thing. but that's not the case. also, my understanding is "traditional" indian weddings are huge, and its kinda a smack in the face not to get invited.

nta. her moh and bridesmaids job. not even a guest the bride has nerve.

126t5cg

aita for stepping over a dog to go to the restroom

i went out to eat with some friends at a local brewery. we sat on the patio and had a corner spot. i had to pee, there are 2 routes. one way had a dog laying flat in the middle of the aisle, the other had a larger group and the waiter had a tray out serving. i had to go and couldn't wait so stepped over the dog . as i stepped over the dog lifted its head and barked at me. i'm just like what the hell and kept moving toward the restroom. i come back and the other path is open and went back that way to my seat. as i go to sit down, the owner comes over and says to me don't step over my dog like that. i tell him he shouldn't have his dog laying out in the aisle then. he gets mad and i just tell him to go away. my friends and i cash out and leave and the guy took the opportunity to talk more shit to me as i left. a buddy said i should have waited till the other path was clear and not stepped over the dog.

nta

nta, but for your own safety, i wouldn’t recommend stepping over an animal. next time, i recommend talking to the owner. a simple “i need to get thru and i don’t want to step over your dog” should be enough to ensure the situation is not repeated

nta, a dog should not be in the aisle, and us dog owners should do better. it's like having children in that regard: if you can't have them not be an annoyance to others, you shouldn't bring them to restaurants, pubs etc. your buddy however is right in the respect that stepping over an unknown dog is not the safest approach. dogs tend to hate it and you don't know if it has behavioural issues and will bite, or not.

126t6ev

aita for not cleaning after my girlfriend when she rushes to work everyday?

my(m29) girlfriend (f28) is a nurse. she has rotative shifts. that means one week she has the morning shift, the next the afternoon shift and then the night shift. as the morning shift comes straight after the night shift, she usually has trouble waking up on time to get to work during most of those days she needs to get up early. we live together in a rather small apartment, she has a 30 minutes drive to get to work from home. i work every weekday from 9 to 5. she has to be in the hospital by 6am, so she usually wakes up at around 4:30 or 5 to be able to have breakfast before leaving. she likes to have a big breakfast as she doesn't often get to eat anything else until around 2pm when her shifts are over (this depends on the day, sometimes she has free time and other times she doesn't). picture some coffee, orange juice, bacon, eggs, pancakes (or waffles) and maybe something else like another fruit, cereal or something else. she leaves a big mess every morning with different kitchen utensils dirty, she doesn't get to clean them up because she's running late. we moved in together into her apartment when the pandemic started. back then i didn't had to work (neither go to the office or work from home) for a while, but she had to continue working obviously. so i cleaned up after her when she left. then i started working from home but the workload was much less then usual, so as i had lots of free time before she got home i cleaned up too. however, now i have to go back to work at the office (have been doing so since the lockdown was lifted). i now wake up around 7 when she has already left. i don't like to eat a lot early in the morning so i usually just have coffee for breakfast, maybe a cookie or some pancakes if my gf left any, but nothing else. i don't clean my girlfriend's breakfast mess anymore, i just clean my cup and plate if i even use any. we don't have a dishwasher. so my girlfriend complained about me not cleaning after her a while ago, like half a year ago or so. she told me it's very discouraging to come home and see every pan dirty because i didn't clean them up when i could easily do it. at the time, i told her that i had to go to work too, so now it's not fair that she just doesn't clean after herself. ever since, this has been an ongoing conflict between us. this week we had an argument about this again. i came home early because of some accident that happened in my office building. around 1pm. then my girlfriend got home and she complained about the dishes still being dirty when i was home. i told her that my cup (i only had coffee that day) was clean and that all of the dirty things were hers. she got very angry and claimed i never help around, which is false. i'm tired of always arguing about the same thing over and over again. am i really wrong here?

nta

you are nta. if she’s able to build sufficient time into her schedule to prepare an elaborate breakfast, then she needs to build 10 or 15 extra minutes into that routine to take care of her mess. it was one thing when you were pitching in more because you didn’t have as many responsibilities outside the house, but she can’t expect you to pull more weight because she can’t manage the demands of her schedule. this is probably part of a larger discussion, however. it might be time to sit down and map out how much each of you contributes to the balance of household labor (to include the mental/emotional labor of managing it). who does the laundry? who does the shopping (grocery or otherwise)? who does any apartment maintenance? imbalances in one area can be offset by one of you pulling more weight in another area, but it’s in your best interest to figure out who does what (and how much that contributes to the overall workload of the house). good luck!

nta. being a nurse is a demanding job and i'm sure she's running on fumes but you're her boyfriend, not her maid. not only is she not pulling her weight but she acts entitled and like it is your job to clean up after her. if she lived alone, she would have to do her own dishes like every other adult. having a job does not absolve you of household duties. you could stop being sorta petty about it though, communicate with her and come to an agreement.

126ta8m

aita for asking my girlfriend to move states with me and leave her disabled mother behind?

my girlfriend and i are in our mid twenties and have been together for over four years. we have both dreamed of moving out of state for the entire time we’ve been together, and now we are in the stage of our life where we want to move forward with that. however, a few years ago, her mom suddenly developed epilepsy. she has severe seizures that leave her disoriented and unable to control her body. they happen every three months or so. when she has a seizure, she needs to be monitored and supervised for about a week afterwards because she has bouts of short term memory loss and is very confused. not to mention she needs doctors appointments with head scans and sometimes stitches because the seizures usually involve falling. the painful part is that she is a perfectly healthy and mentally present middle aged woman most of the time, but someone needs to check on her daily in case she had a seizure. my girlfriend is an only child and her mother has never been married. the only family that can help are my girlfriends three aunts. the aunts claim they want to be the mother’s caretakers, and even go so far as to insist that my girlfriend is too young and not mature enough to be dealing with her mothers medical issues on her own. however, they are completely incompetent as caretakers. they don’t know any of her medical history or prescriptions, so they end up calling my girlfriend to ask for all that information every time a seizure happens and they take her to a hospital. at one point, they left the country on vacation and took the mother along with them. she had a seizure while left alone outside, and the mother was found on the street and brought to the hospital by a passing stranger. after this, they left her mother alone in the hotel room, completely disoriented, for the rest of the vacation. my girlfriend and i were appalled at this behavior and began rethinking the aunts’ responsibility as caretakers. my girlfriend is torn about what to do. on one hand, she wants freedom in her life to not be tied down at such a young age. but in the other hand, she feels guilty leaving her mother behind with sub-standard care. my stance is that her mother isn’t her responsibility, and if she takes on that responsibility now, she will never be able to live her own life. similarly, her aunts’ belittling attitude towards her will always lead to frustrating relationship dynamics in the family. i am not making the decision for her at all, but when she asks for my opinion, i tell her that i dont think she has a reason to feel guilty for leaving. aita for asking her to move away? just a note to answer questions: her mom is mentally capable most of the time. she doesn’t remember the seizures and how bad they are. therefore she thinks she doesn’t need help. it makes it impossible to get a professional care team involved. the ideal solution would be for the mom to move with us but she won’t leave the house where she feels comfortable.

yta

yta. it's not your choice to make for your girlfriend and saying her mother is "not her responsibility" is very odd. to be honest, you sound like you're being selfish here and not thinking about what will be best for your girlfriend, but rather what will make you happy. your girlfriend should stay with her mother until she finds someone who she trusts to care for her. i'd look into in-house caregivers first as it sounds like that's what will be best. but whatever your girlfriend chooses, it should be solely her decision and you need to support her.

yta not an ah for asking, but you can't decide this for her. if she's uncomfortable leaving her mother for fear of what could happen, she isn't wrong for staying nearby. you're an ah for being insensitive to your gf's dilemma. you can choose to stay with her or move on your own and wouldn't be wrong to leave. your gf needs to do what's best for her, which may be staying near her mom for now.

126tf5l

aita for picking a dish to eat and cooking for my gf even though i knew one of the ingredients wasn't to her liking?

hey there, me (21) and my gf (23) are chilling at her place rn and today she needed to go to college for some classes, in the meantime i cleaned the floor at her apartment and picked a dish to cook for us. it has minced meat in it and she isn't keen on it but also loves other dishes with it. she was pretty exhausted and fed up today from some issues during the lectures and didn't really say no to the dish (shephard pie) i picked, and we met up at the shop around the corner to pick up the ingredients. she seemed kinda weird and i asked her if she'd be alright with the food, we could cook something else. she said that she "hates" minced meat and that she hates mashed potatoes to which said, that we can easily do something else. she said no it's fine, and after asking again and being told it's fine i just picked up the food and went home with her. i paid for everything and also told her that she can relax and i'll do the cooking. when i started cooking she couldn't stand me doing somethings my way and to me telling her i'm just sticking to the recipe, she got even more distant. she also was hungry at that point and i forgot to tell her that it might take like 2h to cook everything up. now that i was pretty much done preparing everything and put the dish in the oven, i asked her she'd be alright. she said that, i didn't care at all that she doesn't like minced meat and that i already decided on it bc i wrote a shopping list that i asked her b4 going if there were things that she already has. now in the end she told me that she really liked the dish and i don't know what to think of this situation. she never had shephard pie and i was trying to be considerate infront by asking multiple times if she'd be alright and still trying to do my best to get good food on the table and in the end i feel unappreciated.

nta

nta. she didn’t communicate clearly about this and therefore shouldn’t complain. her behavior was pretty unkind, and i would be on the lookout for similar hyper-critical behavior in the future. tbh this sounds a lot like what my father would often do to my mother growing up. she would pick a dish that maybe wasn’t his absolute favorite but that he had always eaten before, and he would declare he “hated” it, or micromanage her cooking, throw a fit and criticize everything…. then eat a large helping and sometimes even say it was good. he has always shown many signs of narcissism, and this behavior was very unkind and upsetting to my mom. so i’d say let this one slide, but like i said before, watch for undue criticism and attempts to make you feel bad over small things.

nta. maybe she was hangry?

126tmeo

wibta for refusing invitations from my religious coworkers?

i (30m) work in a relatively small office space that is part of a bigger operation. our team is ~11 people. 2 people in our office space (~60f) and (~25m) are outwardly religious. no real problem there as i don't see it interfering with work or imposing upon others. however, every month or two, one or both of them will drop off some sort of invitation to a religious event to everyone in the office. i have been here a year less than her and a year longer than him and have never gone to the events. i am not a religious person. would it be rude to refuse to accept and ask them not to hand me any more religious material? it feels like when someone is loitering outside a store and you have to awkwardly dodge it. and i don't want that environment at work. but i also don't want to make things awkward them. while they are the most vocally religious, i know two of the supervisors are also religious and just don't mention it at work as much. my former supervisor says i should just accept and throw away later.

nta

nta, but it might be best to just not say anything. religious people tend to see refusals as a challenge, and can also get into a victim mentality.

nta. the easiest thing would be to just ask them to leave it on your desk and just put it straight in the trash as soon as they’re out of sight. i get that you shouldn’t have to do this, but to stop this your hr may need to stop all non work related stuff of this nature. which may just create a general level of grumbling.

126to10

aita for not wanting to stop vaping when my (18m) boyfriend wants me to

so i (17f) have seizures, and nicotine helps them a lot. i usally have 10 a day but after i’ve started vaping it’s gone down 70%. i have rules for myself about vaping. and i make sure i’m not doing it to much. my boyfriend doesn’t like it and wants me to stop. i feel like i’m the a-hole for not wanting to stop.

yta

yta. you shouldn't quit because your boyfriend wants you too, but it's not good for you. [in a study about seizures and e-cigarette usage, researchers reported that 62% of reported seizures occur within 30 minutes of vaping, which suggests that seizures are caused by nicotine toxicity, as the level of inhaled nicotine is at its highest within this timeframe [15].aug 2, 2022](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/pmc9433810/#:~:text=in%20a%20study%20about%20seizures,within%20this%20timeframe%20%5b15%5d.)

this is coping. nicotine doesn’t help with your seizures. go talk to a doctor about vaping instead of trying to get confirmation from internet strangers. yta for destroying your health while perpetuating a nationwide crisis and lying to yourself.

126try1

aita? warring with neighbour over garbage bins

i live in a townhouse and my neighbour puts their garbage bins right beside their front door, which results in the garbage bins being right in front of my front door. i asked them to move them to another spot as i find it unpleasant to walk by to get into my home and the bins are constantly blowing over into my entrance. the townhouses do not have the best space for garbage bin management, yet nobody on the street puts their garbage bins at the front door like my neighbour (mine are next to my car). when i asked my neighbour if they could please move their bins they seemed quite irate, told me i just moved in and they lived there for three years and nobody has complained before, therefore i am the problem. during a really heavy snow storm i asked if they would remove it for snow removal (no other place to shove the mountains of snow). they responded losing their minds, insulting me as a bad neighbour and problematic when they don’t know me, etc and ultimately claimed me asking for them to move their garbage is putting their new born child in danger (it’s like 8 months old). now this has become a massive source of tension and i really dislike them. i find myself wanting to blast music at odd hours and stomp up and down stairs. aita?

nta

nta. they're free to smell their own garbage and risk a pest problem if they want but it shouldn't be your problem. frankly when it's windy i'd just sweep the garbage back onto their side. also, anyone saying that op is complaining about nothing, it's not just an eyesore; it's a health hazard for everyone including the neighbors and an open invitation for rodents/raccoons/roaches etc to make a permanent home. and op has to smell it every time they enter/exit their home. i have no idea how anyone could not see that this is nasty.

just start moving the bins to directly in front of their door every time. if it’s not a problem for you it shouldn’t be a problem for them right? nta

126tw4j

wibta if i asked my grandfather to walk me down the aisle?

longtime lurker and after much consideration, decided to make an account to help with this topic i've been debating. on mobile so i'm sorry is there's any weird formatting. my boyfriend and i have been talking about getting engaged, and we're thinking that it'll fall into the next couple years. since i was younger, i always expected to have my grandfather walk me down the aisle, because my father and i don't have a good relationship. even if this were voted yta, i wouldn't consider him. however, i have two aunts who are unmarried as of now, and don't seem to be wanting to for several years down the line. for various reasons, but they are in committed relationships. i worry that if i asked my grandfather to walk me, in a year or so when its planned, that i'd be "stealing" his first time doing so from either of my aunts. is this is a valid concern? one aunt in particular is very bonded to him, and it's pretty unspoken that it will absolutely be him to walk her down the aisle, versus my other aunt, whom isn't as close to him. also must be noted that my grandfather does have some health issues that may be more apparent later in life, sadly. so if my aunts never plan on marrying, i do wish to show my appreciation to him being such a impressionable father figure to me known by giving him that chance. he's made mention of it several times before. (not about me specifically) i mostly fear that this worry would cause me to walk alone (my only alternative), and making him feel forgotten in this. thank you for any replies.

nta

nta you get to decide who walks you down the aisle. perhaps i am missing something here, but i am not sure why being “1st” has anything to do with it. as a grandfather myself, i can think of no better compliment to be chosen. congratulations btw

nta first, last, doesn't matter. talk to your grandfather about it, if you are concerned. i think he will think it is as wonderful as i would. if either of your aunts have a problem, they should get cracking with their own engagement. there is nothing wrong with being first (or last) down the aisle. congratulations and be blessed.

126tw8x

aita for ratting out a group member?

so i, 19f, am very conflicted. i've always had social anxiety and am a very deep and analytical thinker and tend to be very hard on myself. i need an outside opinion. yesterday, we had a scheduled major group presentation at 11 am. we had about 2 1/2 months to work on said project. me and one other member (4 members total, 3 girls 1 guy) were the only ones who contributed to our powerpoint. it was extremely stressful since it was such a big grade. the guy did not contribute to the powerpoint, but was willing to present a large majority which i felt was fair. but the last girl, let's call her s, did not even log into it. we all had access to the powerpoint and had decided who was doing what slides prior, but anyone could've hopped on any slide and edited it at any time. not only did s not do this, but she did not tell us she would not be here for the presentation until 2 hours before we had to present, after our slides were already turned into the teacher. s is an athlete, so she had a calendar that would've shown her. i would've been understanding if she had said something sooner. we scrambled that morning deciding who was going to pick up her assigned presentation slides and how we would best present with 3 people. i know the other girl had major anxiety because she is graduating soon and was now threatened with a failure. the teacher spoke to us before we presented and said that s had emailed him and claimed to do her part of the powerpoint. not only that, but that he had offered our entire group to reschedule until she was back with us, but she insisted we go ahead. upon hearing this, i openly said, "no, she didn't." i exposed her for her lack of contribution and responsibility. the teacher immediately changed his tune, apologizing to us and saying he would change the rules so that we would be graded individually instead of as a group. all 3 of us got a 97, i don't know what s got. now, i don't necessarily regret ratting her out. while i wonder if i should've covered for her and just sucked it up, my only regret is that i did it in front of the class. i sent her a lengthy text this morning apologizing for my behavior but telling her that she did let the group down and that i hoped she would understand where i'm coming from. the guy worked hard to make it up and present well. me and the other girl worked hard on the entire powerpoint. what did s do? she didn't even tell us we had the option to reschedule, so she was fine with letting us take the heat if it went south, which it would've if i hadn't said anything. still, i wonder if i'm the asshole. if this was really that deep. i know how important it was for the other group members and that i benefited 3 people instead of letting 4 sink, but i still have the gnawing anxious feeling in my tummy. aita? another

nta

nta. she told the teacher that she claimed to do part of the presentation and hoped to leech off your work. plus, you 3 did the actual work and presented it. you’re 19 so this is a college setting right? people need to learn to be professional and she definitely wasn’t.

nta here. this student could of benefited by helping the group, they did not. what you did was more than fair. i've been in that situation before and it sucks. nothing worse having a group project and one or more fails to help you. congrats on the grade op.

126txst

aita for eating around my family while they fast

looking for advice here. my family is muslim. once i became a young adult, i decided that i don’t believe in the religion but i will continue participating in cultural activities to stay close to my family. my parents and sisters understood my beliefs and were ok with it during ramadan, my family fasted. i decided not to. our home was pretty small (my dad and i co-owned the home). i would make myself lunch in the kitchen and eat away from my family. not locked up in my room but not directly in front of them so that they don’t have to smell the food/watch me eat it. aita for eating around my family while they fast? my sister thinks i’m the asshole and i should have eaten out for the month so they don’t have to see me eat. i didn’t want to waste my money & i prefer to cook for myself so that i eat healthy foods. curious if i was the asshole

nta

nta. you co-own the house. you have a right to cook food and eat. and you’re not eating in front of them. you are doing the best you can. it is unreasonable to ask you to eat out for an entire month.

nta i've worked with folks who fast during ramadan. they didn't ask any non-muslim coworkers to skip lunch or not eat in the breakroom. your sister is being dramatic. it's her choice to practice the custom of fasting. it's considerate of you to not eat directly in front of them, but her suggestion of you eating out for an entire month is not only expensive, but probably unhealthy.

126u3h8

aita for telling my sister that we can’t have my mom’s birthday party at her house because of her dog?

throwaway account. my mom’s 50th birthday is coming up, and we’re having a party for her. my sister volunteered her house for the party, and i immediately shot it down because of her dog. she has a large dog, some kind of lab mix, and it is awful. it’s about 3 years old and probably weighs 70 pounds. it jumps all over people constantly, won’t stop licking your hands and legs, constantly paws at your legs for attention and scratches your legs because she doesn’t trim its nails, just annoys tf out of everyone the whole time and she thinks it’s cute and doesn’t do anything about it. it literally will not settle down the entire time you’re there. this is not just happening when you first arrive. christmas at her house this year, her dog jumped on my dad and knocked his plate down and jumped on my 1 y.o from behind and knocked her over so hard that it busted her lip. and my sister’s response was that “i should have just been holding my baby”. she does not train this dog at all and he’s an absolute nightmare to be around. i told her that we couldn’t have mom’s party at her house unless she kept her dog in the other room or crated him if he started acting up because he made everyone else uncomfortable. she got offended, but my parents and brother agreed with me. aita.

nta

nta whatsoever. owners are responsible for their pets and if she can't bother to train it or crate it/put it in another room during social gatherings then that's absolutely on her. at an important family function no one should be worrying about the dog causing a ruckus. \-- someone who hates bad dog owners

nta. a responsible pet owner seeks training or other avenues for this type of behavior. god forbid something worse happened.

126u3no

aita for ignoring my mil’s passive-aggressive easter card?

my husband and i have 3 kids, ages 11-15. my mil has never been an involved grandma. she’s met all 3 kids, but we don’t live in the same state and she doesn’t do phone calls, video chats, texts, cards, gifts, or anything with them. she used to talk to my husband sporadically and would just ask him to “pass on her love.” that’s all fine, our kids understand that an interested grandma would be really cool, but we just don’t have that with mil and that’s not their fault. in 2021 mil had a huge falling out with my husband. she asked him to bring the kids to visit her during a big covid wave. our youngest was too young for a vaccine so our family all vaxxed and masked to keep her safe. mil and her husband were anti-vax, anti-mask, vacationing in an rv park, posting to fb about boat parties, bars, karaoke, bingo, etc. my husband kept it simple - it would be too risky for our little girl to visit right now. mil said it wouldn’t be risky because she always stayed home and didn’t go out around other people. my husband didn’t call her on the lie, but just stuck to it would be too risky. mil ended up yelling at him about being selfish, unloving, and mis-informed and ended with “i can’t even talk to you anymore, i’ll call you when i want to talk” and hung up. my husband and i talked about it after and thought that she should call and apologize if she wants to restore some sort of relationship. she hasn’t called since. our cell phone number is posted on our business website homepage. every few months mil comments on our business social media: “i tried calling but i don’t have your new number so guess you’ll have to call me!” then “god gave us family and you’re missing it!” then “gee i sure would love to be able to call and wish my grandson a happy birthday!” when my husband’s dad (mil’s ex-husband) passed away a few months ago, mil texted a copy of a fb post from my husband’s sister to my husband’s aunt and asked her to text it to my husband to “let him know.” (another member of the family had already contacted my husband directly.) then a few days ago there was a card in the mailbox addressed to our youngest. when she opened it, it was an easter card with a $35 check enclosed that said, “dear <ourdaughter>, this is our mailing address and phone number. we hope you’ll want to call or write us sometime, love you so much, <mil and herhusband>” (we asked our daughter if she wanted to write back and she said “no, just put it in the trash, please, i don’t even care about the money.” so we did, though we did give her the $35 to replace the trashed check.) so it definitely seems like mil thinks any problem is on our side, and we’ve had some people say “you should just talk to her, that’s family, etc.” so aita for ignoring these attempts unless she actually calls?

nta

nta. she clearly knows where you live even if she didn't have the not new cell number that's on the family business website. surely, she can't say you letting your landline go means she can't drive a car anymore. \*eyeroll\* she seems exhausting. i would definitely just keep it right where it is at with this lev el of interaction. as in, none from you and passive-aggression from her.

nta. 3 kids and she only sent one card and one check? yeah no don't acknowledge that petty and troublesome card. if she actually wanted to repair the relationship she has with her son and you, should would actually reach out and make that clear. instead its messenger pigeons and a card to your youngest. keep ignoring her.

126ubjf

aita for making my daughter go somewhere with a girl she’s not friends with?

my (38f) daughter, melody is 10 years old. she goes to an after school program which is where she met, leah (also 10). i know leah’s mom, daniella, somewhat well as we had older kids in class together a few years back. melody has told me several times that leah is too loud, doesn’t understand personal space, asks rude questions, etc. i’ve told her they don’t have to be friends, but to still be polite. daniella later confided in me that leah is on the spectrum, which i already suspected. recently, the kids had a day off. daniella called and asked if melody wanted to go to the aquarium with her and leah. i said sure. when i hung up and told melody, she got upset and said she didn’t want to go. i said i already told daniella she’d go and it’d be fun. i pointed out that leah doesn’t have a ton of friends and maybe if more people took the time to know her, they’d realize she’s nice. melody grumbled but finally agreed. about a half hour after they left, i get a call from my sil. turns out she had taken her son to the aquarium and was leaving as melody, leah and daniella walked in. melody instantly said she wanted to leave with her aunt. my sil didn’t want to just take her. i was super embarrassed, feeling bad for leah. i asked to speak to melody, telling sil to take her aside and out of earshot. i told melody she was being extremely rude. i asked her how poor leah felt after she went with her and instantly wanted to leave. melody kept saying she didn’t want to be there and started whining. i finally told sil to bring her home. as rude as i found this, i realized it’d be even worse for daniella and leah to deal with my grumpy, whiny child. sil dropped melody off. i told my daughter she was very rude and it wouldn’t have killed her to spend one afternoon doing something nice for someone. melody said she doesn’t want to be leah’s friend and went to her room. i called daniella to apologize. she was gracious, but did admit leah cried and they ended up leaving early because she wasn’t having fun. she assured me that she hadn’t paid yet for my daughter before this incident so at least no money was wasted. i did venmo her money for their passes as i felt bad they were unable to enjoy it due to melody. when my husband found out, te flipped out on me. telling me i violated our child’s autonomy and that it’s my fault all this happened. i felt this was an extreme overreaction. especially when he basically coddled melody and took her to dinner just them. i feel a valuable lesson was missed yesterday. aita?11

yta

yta. leah's mom asked if your daughter wanted to go with them. **your daughter *didn't* want to.** you made her go anyway. your husband is right. you absolutely bulldozed over your daughter's autonomy, and this whole scene *is* your fault. you didn't ask your daughter if she wanted to go. you didn't listen to her when she *told* you she didn't want to go. if you have any care to how your daughter feels about the situation, this mess would have never happened.

yta i have friends on the spectrum. i myself fall into being neurodivergent. and no one needs a pity friend. your daughter expressly told you she didn't like this girl. and you even told her, they didn't need to be friends. if they don't need to be friends, they don't need to hangout outside of this activity. and you never should have agreed without even asking her. and when she told you no, you should have respected it. children are humans to. she has her own thoughts and feelings. she deserves a say in her life and who she spends her time with. why would you push your daughter to do this? why would you do that to your daughter? why would you do that to the other girl? like, do you think that girl only deserves friends who don't actually like her? your daughter spends enough time with this girl to know she doesn't like her. don't push it.

126uszh

aita for refusing to stop eating dinner in front of my fasting muslim housemates?

i live in a flatshare in a large european city. there are 4 rooms in the flat and we each rent them individually from the landlord. there is a common kitchen, living room, bathrooms etc. two of my housemates are muslim and fasting for ramadan. i'm an atheist, but i'm a firm believer of religious freedom and i don't care what anyone believes unless they are hurting others. i mostly work from home and therefore tend to eat a little earlier than others as they all have to commute home. my two muslim flatmates have asked me to stop having dinner so 'early' because they smell it, see me eat it and apparently it makes them even more hungry, making ramadan harder for them. i initially said no and they then asked if i would at least eat dinner in my room so they didn't have to see it. i feel torn. on one hand, there is no massive harm to me waiting another 30/45 mins to have my dinner, so i could do a small thing to help them. on the other hand, it is their religious choice and i don't really see why i should change my behaviour. reddit, am i the asshole for refusing to eat later to make life easier for my muslim housemates?

nta

as a muslim myself, nta. like other people have said, the point of ramadan is to not give into temptation. when i'm not able to fast, i still eat even if my family members are around to see it. it doesn't make me an ah nor should you feel like one. heck, my dad even said just looking at food a few minutes before you can break your fast is rewarding 🤣

nta ramadan is about resisting temptation not about making other people change their lifestyle.

126uue1

aita for buying my parents an expensive car?

i recently purchased a car for my parents and now my wife is pissed at me. i (30s m) am married to my wife (30s f) for roughly 10 years. i am for a very poor background. my parents (late 50s) both work blue collar jobs and are finally stable financially after roughly 30+ years of work. growing up we were often living hand to mouth. my parents both worked roughly 50-60 hours a week to provide for us. while they made smart financial decisions, it took them a long time to be stable and plan for their future. i worked my butt off and got a full scholarship, initially in undergrad and finally to law school. after graduating law school summa cum laude, i have a very lucrative offer at a prestigious law firm. i started working and instead of spending it all, i spent it smartly. i purchased a house, which is almost paid off and invested a good amount for our retirement and our daughter's education. after things became stable and secure, i started spending money on things i was not able to enjoy growing up and as a young adult. for example, i took my wife on a helicopter trip to niagara falls for our wedding anniversary, something she wanted for a long time. i purchased myself a gaming pc. etc. despite the additional expenses, i had a strict budget and never spent more than planned. i decided to give something back to my parents. they have loved and cared for me and i have never able to do something grand for them. i purchased my dad's dream car, a range rover. i planned for this purchase about 6 months ahead of time. i discussed this with my wife before purchasing it. i explained my reason to her and she seemed at first okay with it. after buying them this vehicle, they were very excited, to the point where my dad started crying. i have never seen him cry in my life. i was ecstatic. when we returned home, my wife started yelling and screaming at me. telling me, i don't care about her or prioritize her in my life. i was a bit shocked. i tried to calm her down but she wasn't having any off. she was pissed that i would even think about purchasing my parents a car. according to her, only her and my daughter are my family. i should be there to help or support my parents, but not do something so exuberant for them. it just hurts me, that she would react this way. i have never to my knowledge given her the short end of the stick. she has been the most important person in my life since we married. aita?

nta

i was team nta even before i saw that your wife keeps all of her paycheck to herself and doesn't contribute at all to your day to days costs respectfully she can piss off with this temper tantrum. you didn't go into debt. your bills will not be affected. you gave her plenty of notice and got her approval. you did nothing wrong, but you may want to consider whether you really want to stay with someone who only takes and never gives.

nta you discussed it in advance. you are not taking any money away from your wife. she should be proud that you want to be good to your parents. she doesn't have to be the only recipient of your generosity. sounds like she wants all your money or at least to control it. bad sign.

126uw7p

aita for making my daughter leave the house?

i (47m) have 2 daughters (20f and 12f) with my first wife (52f), we divorced 9 years ago. i met my current wife (40f) about 6 months after the divorce finalized and we’ve been married for 6 years. my wife has 3 kids from her previous marriage (17m, 13m and 10f) and we have 6 month old infants (boy/girl) together. my oldest currently lives with us, she took a gap year after she graduated, went to college this year before dropping out, we are currently helping her figure out what she wants to do next but for now she’s been helping our nanny with the infants. my middle stepson is currently dating a girl from his school, my stepson and his friends will often stay at our house to play with our sporting equipment, and my stepson’s girlfriend is also an athlete, so she’ll play as well. the boys and her also play video games together and do other normal teen stuff. my stepson’s girlfriend also has adhd, my stepson and his friends are high energy teens, but his girlfriend is the most energetic person i’ve met, she’s a sweet kid and is fidgety, talks a lot and can be forgetful. my wife and i don’t mind this, my brother’s son (14m) also has adhd and he’s such a good boy and my stepson’s gf reminds me of him. his girlfriend will sometimes use fidget toys to regulate, will go on about a topic for a while, ect. my oldest has picked up on this and has been making rude remarks to her and my stepson. she’s called her a blabbermouth, has asked mean questions like if she has dementia and has got into fights like when she was being “too aggressive” while playing basketball with the boys. my stepson and the boys have always defended her and my wife and i have tried talking to her, telling her to keep her remarks to herself. a few days ago, two of the boys came up to me and said that my daughter was ruining the vibes and they didn’t want to hang out if the remarks didn’t stop. i went to talk to my daughter once again and she dismissed it as the boys being sensitive and a difference between “older and younger gen z”. at that point, i told her that she needed to leave and to go to her mom’s house. she said i was being ridiculous but i made her go. my ex called me and said that i was being unfair to her and that this could cause trouble with her step kids (10f, 8f and 7f) and that i should just take her back and i’m only sympathetic bc of my brother’s son. my wife also expressed concern, saying while she loves her son/our stepson she doesn’t want to cause a rift and thought i was being a bit harsh. my stepson though is happy and has asked us not to invite her back, and has even started talking about how i’m such a great stepdad, we’ve always bonded but he’s being nicer than usual (he’s a nice kid normally though). my parents are also upset at me. aita?

nta

nta. good for you for not allowing your daughter to be a bully in your home!!!!

nta your 20yo hasn’t yet learned not to bully children and is trying to figure out her future? well, there’s a great lesson to start her path. yes, maybe making it a teaching moment with a warning might be good but a 20 year old should not be making young teens uncomfortable repeatedly

126ux5i

aita for not helping my wife in the specific way she wanted help

my wife was cooking dinner yesterday and i came down to help. she said i could help her by washing the rice/ removing the starch. i went to get a specific pot i usually use to do that when i make rice and she stopped me. she told me that i’m supposed to use the pot that was on the stove to wash it in. i asked her to let me wash the rice the way i intended to. this ended up in some bickering between us and she told me that she no longer wanted my help so i exited the kitchen. i’m asking if i’m the asshole because my wife is saying that when people ask for help you’re supposed to help in the specific way they asked. my feelings are that there was no harm in me being allowed to complete the task in the way i’m most comfortable. i don’t understand why she couldn’t let me complete the task in my own way. the only disadvantage to me doing it my way is was creating an extra pot to wash but i already wash the dishes.

nta

this is fairly petty but nta. you were doing the task she asked you to do but that wasn't good enough. when you ask for help, you don't nitpick how the task gets done.

hahah this is how i am in the kitchen. you are nta. i (and probably your wife) don’t mean to be bossy and controlling like this (sorry), but it’s just something about my kitchen i can’t help it. i am happiest when i’m all alone in the kitchen most of the time, and can cook best in the kitchen with only my best friend or my brother because they know how to ‘take orders’ from me and ask all the right questions. i’m not always like this but it takes effort for me to control myself, i guess the way my brain works i just think of a specific way to do things and get irritated when the people around me don’t have the same ideas. still tho it’s probably best that you offered to help than not at all, hopefully you guys can figure out better communication for cooking together.

126v1vo

aita for refusing to go on a family vacation because my stepmoms kids are coming?

i (16f) recently got news from my dad that we're taking a trip to hawaii this summer for my birthday. when i first found out, i was obviously super excited, since we have never taken a trip this big before...until i found out that my step mom and her kids were also coming along with us. me and my stepmom get along fine, but her kids and i really don't like eachother. they're younger than me (12 and 14) and are super obnoxious and immature, and ignore my dad like 80% of the time when he tries to talk to them or do things with them. my dad hasn't been mean to them or anything, so it really irks me that they act like that. and they aren't much nicer to me, either. i get the feeling that they talk about me behind my back, and one of the worst experiences ive had with them is when i walked downstairs for breakfast without makeup on and they wouldn't stop staring at me (pretty sure they were intentionally being rude). i don't think i look that different without it, but now i feel really self concious around them and try to avoid being in the same room together. anyways, i don't want to go on vacation with them. i feel like they would ruin the experience for all of us, and i'd rather just spend time with my dad and stepmom. i told my dad this and he said it's more important that we learn to spend time together and that i should be happy that we're going. so i feel kind of selfish for not wanting to go, and maybe im being overdramatic, but i was super excited to go and now i really, really don't want to go on the trip with them. i'm also worried that my stepmom will find out that i don't want to go with her kids and she'll get mad at me and it'll start unecessary drama. am i making a big deal out of this??

nta

nta talk to your dad. mention their behaviour, don’t demand that they don’t go. just simply say you are not comfortable going on holiday with them so will be saying thanks but no thanks. you will lose if you demand they don’t go. you got told it was for your birthday but it sounds more like a family holiday. say you would like to do an activity with just your dad for your birthday. something local.

nta. if this is for your birthday but your dad insists on bringing people you don’t like than is it really for your birthday?

126v46f

aita for becoming “that parent” by causing a stink at my daughter’s school?

my daughter, cleo (11) is very active outside of school. she plays soccer, takes swim lessons and will play outside a lot with neighborhood kids. she’s very social. most of her friends are from outside of school. at school, however, she struggles making friends. cleo has adhd and was bullied in 3rd and 4th grade for some of that. while it was brought under control by 5th (current grade), these kids still don’t play with her and pretty much ice her out. while i don’t think they have to play with her, it also means that she doesn’t socialize a lot at school. she’s okay with this. her teacher says our daughter often plays alone at recess or reads. my wife and i were not very concerned and explained she’s very social and active afterwards. cleo is a huge reader. she’s currently reading her way through my wife’s collection of books from her childhood. she loves them and treasures them, knowing they were her mama’s and wants to take great care of them. she came home on tuesday, very upset and worried her mom would be upset with her. i asked why and she said her teacher took her book away and won’t give it back until tomorrow. when pressed for more information , she said she was reading at recess. her teacher walked over, took the book and told her to go play. my daughter begged for her book back and the teacher refused. i quickly assured cleo that she wasn’t in trouble and even called my wife at work to have her back me up. it was quite concerning that she was so afraid, as my wife isn’t one to fly off the handle. she’s always gentle with cleo. as suspected, my wife assured her she wasn’t upset and that cleo did zero wrong. the next day, i brought cleo to school early and walked her to class, no one but the teacher was there. i told the teacher to give me the book. she obliged and tried to defend herself. i told her to save it and she had no right. there is no rule that cleo *has* to do physical activity at recess and we expressed no concern. the teacher said she was allowed to set boundaries for her class but i pointed out recess was free time. it’s not like cleo is reading during math. we went back and forth, and finally i said i’d be reaching out to the principal. the issue was resolved quickly. i don’t know the particulars, except the principal told me that cleo is allowed to read at recess and unless she is actively harming someone or reading during a non-designated time, she wouldn’t have any more books confiscated. my wife and i were pleased. cleo even more so. my cousin is a teacher at this school, just a different grade. she says what i did is “hot gossip” in the teacher’s lounge and that i have been marked as “one of those parents”. she says the teacher isn’t paid enough and i should’ve just accepted the rule. when i pointed out we only have 2 more months left at this school (cleo is our only and starts junior high in august), that’s not a concern. my wife and i feel justified, but we are wondering if i’m an asshole?

nta

nta. i did find the bit about 'the teacher isn't paid enough and i should've just accepted the rule' pretty comical. your child should not be mistreated at school because a teacher isn't paid enough. you did the right thing. the teacher was strangely out of line and lacking in compassion. even if well-intentioned, she effectively punished chloe which was wildly inappropriate.

nta and how does a teacher's pay have to do with her overstepping her bounds? one would think if she wasn't paid enough that she'd actually want to relax at recess instead of harassing children.

126v9nd

aita for not inviting my best friend to my birthday party?

we were a friend group and you know how in friend groups there are always those inner circles. i was best friends with one of the girls in this group and everyone knew that but there was this other girl, let's call her anne. anne was really loud, she wanted to dramatise everything, wanted the guy's attention and such. at the time she noticed that my best friend, we will call her marie, gets usually alot of looks from guys all the time. and since i was okay looking myself i would also get approached by guys often. anne knew that and was lowkey jealous. she tried to push herself in with marie and i and i was okay with it. just so you know im generally known to be really calm and kind. slowly anne would always try to get marie to go out with her after school without inviting me. yet again, it didnt matter to me. but it became worse when anne started hanging out with marie more often to the point where i dont even get to hang out with marie after school. mind you we are sophomore girls. and it became undeniably worse when we three would sit together on the same table in class and anne would ask marie to accompany her to the toilet. they would leave me all alone in class and they would stay there for like at least 15 minutes each time. not only did their toilet breaks take forever but they never included me in anything anymore. throughout all this anne was becoming meaner with me in private and pretend to be so cheerful in front of marie. after school once, i accompanied marie home and told her about what anne was doing. she told me she would talk to her and that it wasn't okay and would literally talk trash about anne with me about how she wanted attention from the guys. next day, all was same. there are so many other situations and stories to tell about how anne treated me and how she would trash talk about me with other girls from the group but marie wasn't who i thought she was. one day a fight in class happened between me and anne. everyone in class was shocked cause l'm usually a calm person. nevertheless marie was on my side but anne became everyday’s topic in a bad way. weeks later and after the fight, i discover how much marie has been really a bad influence on me, she talked about people behind their back. during the time we didnt hang out as much i felt better and energetic. months later, it was my birthday and i told marie i was going to host a party. she told me that hosting parties is for babies and there is no point in celebrating coming closer to death. after that i didn't want to host the party. i told mom what marie said and mom replied we are definitely going to host the party. marie wasn’t invited. it was a great party. marie saw everything on social media and wouldn't talk to me when we got back to school and no one from our friend group would talk to me, alta?

nta

nta at this point she is not your friend

nta. may not seems like it now, but you are better off without this girls in your life.

126vbqf

aita for refusing to take my children to be a father’s day photoshoot for my fil?

so i (23f) am expecting my 2nd baby with my partner (25m) in may, and we already have 1 child (4f). my partner’s parents want us to participate in a photoshoot with all their grandkids for father’s day which is june 18th. i love the idea of it. however, for context, i have had a very difficult pregnancy, i have insulin controlled gdm which will result in an induction, and my baby is currently breech with an anterior placenta, so a scheduled c-section may seem the more appropriate course of action but this is yet to be determined. my partner’s parents called up a few days ago on the journey back from picking up a new car, and i’ve been sat stewing about this, and whether i was in the wrong, but they asked us about this photoshoot in the car and my mil said, and i quote, “i don’t want to rush [me] into having a baby, but i want to book it for the week after she has delivered”, bearing in mind the photoshoot is a 45 minute drive away one way, and they’re expecting us to make this drive as a new family of 4, and i just snapped. they never ask us how our daughter is, how the pregnancy is going, or how their own son is. and suddenly we’re being expected to make a long trip just to take some pictures literally 1 week after i’ve given birth, whether via c-section or not? i got angry, and i told them we wouldn’t be going and it was inconsiderate of them to even ask. we always go up there for birthdays, christmas etc., they have never come down to see us where we live. we’re always expected to travel, when we can barely afford the fuel as it is. aita for snapping at them and refusing to be a part of the photoshoot?

nta

nta, does your mil even know what having a c-section means. this is going to put you out of commission for a couple of weeks, besides looking after a newborn and small child while trying to recover. nope, not going and they will have to deal with it.

nta - your inlaws sound delusional and totally self centered. you and your new family of 4 need to stay home and bond.

126vgce

aita for refusing to give my friend her cat back after i agreed to take care of him?

i, f23, have a now former friend, emma f23. we were quite close friends throughout high school and college. around 5 months ago in october, emma broke up with her boyfriend and temporarily stayed with me and my fiancé at our place until she found somewhere else to live. she stayed with us for around 2 weeks i think, i don't fully remember how long it was. when she stayed with us, emma brought her cat, ted. she adopted him during the lockdown. he's around 7 years old now. when emma left our place, she didn't bring ted with her. she didn't even say anything about it, just one morning we woke up and she and all her belongings were gone and she left a note saying she went to go stay with her parents but ted was still here. i called emma many times but didn't get an answer. she didn't respond to me for around a week and told me that she can't bring ted to her parents' house because her dad is allergic to cats, and asked if we could please look after ted until her living situation is better. i agreed at first but after a couple of weeks emma stopped responding to my messages or calls. i was honestly dumbfounded on what to do. my fiancé was really mad at emma and said that she needs to stop taking the piss and take responsibility for her own cat and i can't help but agree. we didn't hear anything from emma for another 5 months which brings us to now. after the first 2 months passed with no contact, we assumed emma no longer wanted ted as she never responded to my texts or calls. my fiancé and i have never really discussed wanting a cat, we aren't really "cat people", but ted has grown on us over time and we've become quite attached. he's a lovely natured cat and seems really happy here living with us. since then, i've gotten ted neutered, microchipped and paid all his vet bills. yesterday, emma rang me out of nowhere and said that she is coming on sunday to pick up her cat. i told her "you mean my cat?". i told her she can't just abandon him and expect me to be happy to hand him over back to her like nothing happened. emma argued with me and said that she didn't ababdon ted, she was unable to keep him due to things out of her control and that's not her fault. i said it's not my fault either and i had to take responsibility for him this whole time. she started crying and said she just wants her cat back and that i'm being cruel, and that she had other things going on. she begged me to give ted back to her. i told her no and that ted isn't her cat any more and that her actions have consequences and she should deal with it. emma hung up the phone and since then i've not heard anything from her. i've gotten a few messages from our mutual friends asking what happened and saying that emma is telling everyone that i stole her cat. im feeling guilty now and wondering if i was being too harsh on emma. i know she was going through a difficult time and everything. aita?

nta

nta. if she really was so worried about the cat, what prevented her from picking a phone? or, you know, having an actual adult convo with you about the cat and mutual expectations in the first place? she did abandon the 🐈 for those 5 months and didn't even deign to pick up the phone.

nta - she abandoned the cat and you took financial responsibility for him. she dodged messages and texts. obviously ted was not important enough to her to care for or even have a conversation with you about . enjoy your cat ❤️

126vgup

aita in a pet-sharing situation gone wrong with my ex?

\[posted with a different throwaway a while ago, got taken down for length.\] \[edited to fix name mix-up and help with the (admittedly) confusing timeline.\] my ex "tim" (34) and i (f34) were together for 7 years. we adopted 2 cats together; at adoption they were "mine" in the event of a breakup, but we split their expenses down the middle (until july 2022) and *both love them very much.* we broke up very amicably when he moved for residency in june 2021. we'd known the split was coming for a year, because by then we knew we had some fundamental incompatibilities and different life goals. i helped him move 6 hours away, in part because he agreed to take the cats while i went on a 6-month thru-hike. \[ when i came back from the thru-hike, i had a new bf (now hubby, "jake") and a new apartment \[but\] i didn't ask about taking the cats right away, because tim was in the middle of 1st year residency, the cats had just moved 6 months ago, and it felt callous to be in any kind of hurry. jake and i visited for a weekend in december 2021 \[ the next time tim and i caught up was in february 2022 \[ he (and the cats) had moved in with tess. (my response: hey, awesome, congratulations!) there was a problem: when i'd visited in december, i'd caught tim up about a mutual friend for a few minutes while we were all out together, and made tess feel excluded. so: i wasn't someone that tess wanted "in her space." tim reassured me that now that he had my side of the story \[seven months later\]—i wasn't trying to exclude her, just make conversation!—*he would go to her and see what she thought about it*. and he let me know that *he* believed i had the right to see the cats in the future. when i said something like, "thanks for the heads up?!" he said, "well, i wasn't going to ask your permission to move in with someone." &#x200b; &#x200b; my initial reaction was confusion/numbness, so i agreed with the "plan." a few days later, i sent tim $500, **told him the cats were his** \[edited to highlight; i understand i can't ask for them now and have no intention to!\] and that i was blocking his number for a while. i didn't trust him to return the cats if i asked, and couldn't face that battle; i don't see myself ever trying to visit again, obviously. months later, i feel crazy angry, and he claims my expectation to be communicated with *before* he moved (also my!) cats in with tess, specifically, was jealous and controlling. i don't care about his personal business; i think he took advantage of the fluid situation, cut me out on purpose, and thought i would just put up with weird new circumstances i didn't agree to. \[ \[last

yta

yta. you havent had the cats for 2 years. they are no longer your cats. it's your own fault for not doing anything sooner, you can't expect someone to keep your cats years after the agreed upon date and just be ok with someone potentially swooping in to take them away at any point. that's a wild expectation and unfair to the cats too. you come across as very selfish here

yta. the cats are well adjusted to living with him and you also havent looked after them for 2 years. the cats are his now. also, yta for making this post so confusing. i had to read it twice to get the entire situation.

126vobv

aita for going to prom with my ex-boyfriends best friend

my ex-boyfriend broke up with me 4 months ago. we had a relatively short but pretty serious relationship. we met each other's parents, talked about marriage, etc. he broke up with me because he said he felt too much pressure and that we were in different places. fast forward to now, his closest childhood friend asked me to senior prom. they are very close, and i can't imagine he wouldn't have asked me without my ex's permission. however i have had many people tell me i am an asshole for agreeing to go out with my ex's best friend. aita?

yta

i was going to say n t a until i saw this: >i mostly did it as revenge, not because i actually want to go with him so you are going spoil the best friend's prom because you want to get revenge on your ex? drama will happen and if it don't you'll pout because your plan did not work. don't drag innocent people into your bullshit. yta.

> i mostly did it as revenge, not because i actually want to go with him yta

126voor

aita for blaming my sister for everything i own going missing?

my (f18) little sister (f13) has been a little rebel for the past few months. she’s been stealing from me and my step mom from clothes to money to makeup, to random things and anything she can get her hands on, i’m unsure what started this but she claims it’s because i told her i “threatened” her with moving out, while in reality she has been stealing before i myself even knew i was moving out. she doesn’t seem to steal from my step mom as much as she steals from me, i’m guessing the reason why is because it’s easier to steal from me because she and i share the same room. i’ve talked to her about this and she hasn’t done anything to stop it, i even tried tough love with her but that didn’t seem to work either. i’ve asked my step mom to talk to her about it as well, and she has but i fear she hasn’t taken it seriously and stopped trying to deal with my sister. i’ve just recently wrote her a note because i was leaving for the weekend, in the note i asked for everything back. when i returned home she had wrote back saying she had only taken clothes from my closet and had returned only some of my clothes which were both, not from my closet and from my closet. i was and still am furious, because what she returned is not everything i am missing, i am still finding things missing and finding my stuff all mixed with hers. for example, the day after she returned clothes i found more in her closet including a few hair accessories, i’m missing my lighter now, and just today i found my nail polish. so, aita for blaming my sister for everything i own going missing?

nta

nta why would you be the asshole for holding your sister accountable for her actions?

nta. i hope you move out though because fck that. there’s also no way i’d want to be sharing a room with a thieving child when becoming an adult. not your problem, i’d move out, checking all known hiding spots and even beyond that for your things before you leave and take all your stuff in as little trips as possible so she won’t steal more. kid needs some serious counseling.

126vse3

aita for not wanting my mom at my wedding because it causes me stress?

my fiancé (29m) and i (26f) have been together for 6 years. we have essentially always known we were gonna get married. for a bit of backstory, he asked my mom(45 at the time 47 now) for her permission (which i believe he didn’t need to do) at about 3 years in. she said no because she wanted us to be in a better place in life. understandable but it became a deterant for him to want to ask again. i had told him the only permission he needed was mine and we moved on. last august he proposed and of course i said yes. my mom was the first person i called, which i later regretted. she essentially said over the phone that she was pissed because she wasn’t involved and that she is sure everyone knew but her. she belives that we do and tell everything to his family which he doesn’t have a great relationship with. he confronted her and said that i deserved a better reaction when i had nothing to do with the planning, that if she wanted to be mad at anyone she could be mad at him. she said she was mad at him because she should have been involved and that this fight would probably be used to further the distance between her and i. for context my mom is the reason we have distance between us. she is incredibly reactive, won’t contact me for months unless she needs something from me or to lecture me about something i’m doing wrong/she doesn’t agree with, and is very controling or at least try’s to be. anyway, we’re getting married in a week and she ghosted me for three days after telling me she was being purposefully being excluded from planning, that i’m ruining her vision for my wedding, and that i’m a bad sister because i prioritize the kids i live with (i watch said kids for work. it’s literally my job) instead of my brother at this point i can’t tell if i’m the ah or if i’m letting her manipulate me into feeling like i deserve the way she treats me. i am also 3 months pregnant and she said that because her mom was involved in every aspect of her pregnancy it should have been “common sense” for me to want to include her in: setting up the nursery, going to ultrasounds, reading about pregnancy, going shopping etc. my mom was a single parent and her mom was her only support. of course she would have been involved however, my fiancé is the father of our child and he plays a very active role in that researching, planning, and helping out. i’m also concerned that i’m just a shit daughter at this point. is it really common sense or was her experience just vastly different because of circumstances.

nta

nta. your mother sounds narcissistic. jesus it’s insane how many mother’s are but i’m in a facebook group with 75k members who are just trying to recover from their moms, myself included. if she causes you stress, is constantly negative and couldn’t be nice to save her life, skip the drama and have your wedding without her. editing to add: you are 100% being manipulated

“ruining her visions for your wedding” um, fuck that, it’s your wedding, she doesn’t get to envision shit. i would actually be leary if her purposely trying to cause drama on your wedding day and ruining it, nta

126vup1

aita for refusing to give my (27f) grandmother’s (85f) engagement ring to my aunt (65f)?

my (27f) grandmother (dad’s mom) was widowed back in the 1980s. she’s an outspoken feminist, taught me how to pour a beer when i was eight, and recently took up vaping. i talk with her frequently and we call each other “girlfriends” because she’s perpetually young at heart. uncomfortably, these acts have branded me “her favorite” within my dad’s side of the family. before i left for college (2014), my grandma gifted me a ring. she said it was “for you to take a piece of me with you to school.” apparently, this was her engagement ring and she insisted i keep it. it’s very delicate and beautiful. she told me she doesn’t wear it and wants me to have it. i was scared to wear it at first since it was so precious but eventually came into the habit. every time i called her at college, she asked if i was wearing it and got excited when i said yes. her happiness made me happy. here’s where it gets ugly. my paternal aunt (“sadie”) heard about the exchange in 2017. i received nasty messages while i was at school from sadie that i was “stealing the last remaining piece of her father” (late grandfather) and should return it. it belonged to her as the eldest daughter, not the “****ing favorite.” i received similar messages from my cousins that she was entitled to it so i asked my dad if i should return the ring. he and my grandma said no. apparently, my grandma has given sadie heirlooms over the years that she’s sold so she intentionally gave it to me. i said ok and never responded to sadie. i probably should have, but i had finals that week. it slipped my mind, but my dad and grandma made the message clear. my aunt sadie and i are not on speaking terms and recently, my grandmother isn’t doing well. she has dementia and other medical problems. while the rest of my family has banded together, my aunt sadie saw an opportunity. she is blasting me online and gaining support of her daughters to get the ring back, claiming my grandma’s dementia and that i’m a gold digging granddaughter who is cruel. she’s even blasting my dad online, who is currently in hospital with cancer, over this. my grandma is getting confused and upset. it’s heartbreaking to see her this way. sadie is exploiting her on other ends too that we are actively trying to mitigate. several people have suggested i just give the ring to my aunt to keep the peace as my grandma is likely in her last year of life. selfishly, i want to hold onto this tangible piece of her as a constant reminder of us. these friends say iata for doing this. i’m no longer sure what to do. with everything, i’ve been having a hard time and am now wondering — aita? tl;dr estranged from my aunt for years due to my grandma gifting me her engagement ring. recently, the tirade has increased due to grandma’s declining health. aita for not giving it up?

nta

nta. keep the ring. your aunt, cousins, and so-called friends are in the wrong. anyone who repeatedly bothers someone who is in the hospital because of cancer over something like this has no moral ground to stand on. your aunt is the gold digger and is clearly projecting that onto you. maybe she feels guilty for having sold the other heirlooms and has realised how short life is; maybe she wants another shiny thing to sell, who knows? either way, don’t give gollum the ring. my own paternal grandma has given me some beautiful jewellery over the years that belonged to both her and her mother. if i’d sold any one of them, she would never trust me again. your aunt doesn’t deserve to be trusted.

nta. consider getting a safe deposit box and keeping the ring there for now. if your aunt or cousins get you alone they might forcibly take it.

126vwd4

aita for bailing out taking out my nephew to the movies because of his dad?

both me (m 40) and my nephew (m 7) have been waiting for this ultra hyped movie. i wanted us to go to either 3d / 4d / imax / vip experience. i haven't buy the tickets yet. yesterday morning my nephew's dad (bil - 35) texted me asking if i knew the tickets are already on sale, then venmoed some cash and told me to go and buy the tickets for him and his son, because i probably wanted to go with them. the money covered both their tickets for regular movie, not counting taxes; and it leave alone it was not enough for my own ticket. i immediately texted back i am happy for them to go, i cannot go with them because i will be busy, and send the money back. i added half and told him to take my other niece with them as well. nephew got really angry about this, and wife said i am being selfish. bil texted back because "the money i sent doesnt cover 3 full tickets and taxes". i transferred more for taxes. conflict is still ongoing anyway, and i am feeling a little bit mad with myself because of it. little bit of background: bil has been unable to work like last 18/24 months because some shady undiagnosed medical issues, but he's healthy enough to play videogames all day and go out with his friends to play magic or something, leaving the kid under mil care the whole day. bil is living out of health insurance monthly compensation (which is like 40%-50% of a minimum wage), and whatever both us, mil and my sils can help him with. it pisses me off he wont push healthcare system to give him a diagnose and treatment, and also he wont work, but can spend his whole time either playing videogames / watching tiktoks or complaining about the healthcare system inefficiency. \-----------update----------- i have to add that in the past, bil made comments about living off public social security for life so he dont have to worry working, and also asked me a couple to times to cover up his lies for not going to work. i know i am being hard to judge undiagnosed health condition, but also both me and my wife have recommended to him legal actions to speed up his diagnosis, and paid for private health consultations. the situation does affect me because every month we are asked to buy food for the kiddo, and cover service bills (water, taxes). bil lives in mil house, with three other siblings and their respective children. \----- also, i am the one with a car. i am usually happy to take my niece and nephews out, and cover their expenses, but not bil because of said background.

nta

nta you gave them their money back plus more money for the taxes and fees. what else are they expecting?

nta. the fact that he got mad because the amount wouldn’t cover taxes shows he was expecting you to subsidize their costs. he didn’t even ask you to buy the tickets, he *told* you! i do feel bad for your nephew though. :/

126w1j8

aita for telling my sister i wished i had gotten the same chance she did?

i (21f) am the oldest of five kids (18m, 16m, 15f, 14m), and since moving out at 19, my sister and i’s relationship hasn't been the same. about a year ago, she's come out of the closet as being a lesbian, and of course, i support her (i'm demisexual). i was raised by the version of our grandparents who were conservative and religious, and was subjected to be the "perfect role model". i was never allowed to be anything other than their version of perfect. my sister is being raised by the version who, due to health conditions, have realized their errors, and have given her everything i never got. my sister and i were talking about our childhoods when she mentioned possibly being able to move out since she feels as though she can't live with our grandparents anymore. when i asked why, it was because she felt as though our grandparents made her do everything for everyone and also because she was being called different queer slurs (jokingly and not) by her peers, and sometimes family members. i understood the frustration and told her that being openly queer is very hard to be okay with when living in a small town, and that it was harder when your family wasn't supportive. i also told her that she may not be allowed to move out, since my grandparents don't feel comfortable with the person she's wanting to move in with. she got angry with me and told me that i couldn’t understand what she was going through, and to stop trying to make her not move. i was caught off guard and told her that i wasn't trying to do that at all, i was trying to help her see reason since if told no, then that would be okay, too. i had suffered growing up in a home that wasn't tolerant of being queer and still made it out okay. she took offense to this (very much so) and asked why i would even say that, asking if i wanted her to suffer the same way i did. i told her that yes, there's a part of me that's bitter because i'm seeing my sister get everything i was denied growing up, that she's getting the version of them who want her to be happy, healthy, and love herself when i was told to hate the different parts of me. i told her that i can't help but wish i had her chances growing up. i ended the conversation by telling her that i loved her and that i'm happy she was living the life i wished i had growing up. now she’s told our mom and others that i told her to suffer the same way i did growing up, and i feel so heartbroken that she took my words and spun them into something else. i want to be close, i really do, but this along with other instances has made it so difficult.

yta

yta: your sister is saying that her family and friends are being homophobic and your response is well i had it worst so you should be happy. you're seriously being jealous that your family is less homophobic

yta for not being happy she’s not going through your hell. wtf is wrong with you? are you one of those people when someone says they went on hawaii you say “oh must be nice.” instead of being happy they got to experience something cool? no shit. hawaii is paradise!!! but you can only be jealous instead of happy for someone else??

126w25x

aita for confronting my (ex)-friend about secretly dating my childhood crush?

(i'm using a burner account since my ex friend knows my reddit account) i (22) graduated college not too long ago and was preparing to get my degree with my best friend (22m) (who we’ll call parker) and my crush (who we’ll call jamie) since grade 11 (23). to be clear, i had met and become close with parker my freshman year of college in a lecture about movie physics that we bonded over. i had known jamie for longer, and all three of us became pretty close, forming a sort of friend group of four, including parker’s roommate, who we’ll call riley (22). although, i saw jamie as not only a friend, but a potential love interest, so i considered parker my best friend. after finishing our exams, i was absolutely overjoyed to finally graduate. i decided that life was too short to waste by keeping my feelings from my childhood crush hidden. a few days before graduation i decided to tell parker that i was going to finally confess to jamie after years of waiting. parker was suspiciously quiet, only responding by staring at me and taking a sip of his drink. when i asked him why he was just staring at me, he just shrugged it off before changing the topic to our friend group’s camping trip to celebrate our graduation. i was a little suspicious about how he was acting, but i let it go. // our friend group had decided to get ready for graduation together so we all met up at parker’s apartment. riley was making lunch in the kitchen and asked me to go find jamie and parker, who i hadn’t seen in a minute. as i was walking in the hallway i heard something in parker’s room, where i saw him kissing jamie. i didn’t know how to react. i could only stare in shock. it felt like hours, and it felt like there was a painful lump in my throat. i think he might have heard me gasp, because he eventually stopped to look at me, with an embarrassed look on his face. he nervously laughed before telling me that he and jamie were dating. i was just disappointed at first, but i couldn’t stop myself from asking how long. parker then revealed that they had been dating for seven months. i. was. livid. parker had known for over 3 years about how i felt about jamie, and i couldn’t believe he would betray me like this. i’m not the most outspoken person, so i was always nervous about telling jamie, which parker knew, so i couldn’t believe that my best friend would steal my crush away from me. not only this, but then would keep it a secret from me for so long! we got in a large screaming match where i said many things i regretted, such as calling him a cheating son of a b***h, a treasonous b*stard, and undeserving of love. before parker could try to lie his way out of this one and give me some flimsy excuse, i stormed off. he could’ve at least apologized for breaking my heart, or done literally anything at all to try to make things better. so, aita for freaking out on my friend?

yta

good lord. obvious yta. you don't get to call dibs on people. just because you're too afraid to shoot your shot doesn't mean no one else can play the game.

3 years? you missed your opportunity. yta

126w699

aita for naming my baby after my dad knowing my boyfriend's family hates the name.

i 17 f and my boyfriend 18 m got pregnant last december. since we are almost 5 months pregnant i thought we should start talking about names. i told my bf i wanted to name the baby after my dad who passed away a few years ago, me and my dad were really close so i thought it would be nice. when i told him that i wanted to name the baby that he got mad and said i'm not naming the baby that. i asked him why and he said it didn't concern me. i tried to bring it up to him a few more times even one of the times i said i was willing to put the name as the middle name, but he again got mad and stormed off saying if i have the name in anything he is gonna be upset and wont like the kid, he never acted like this before so that suprised me. a few weeks ago we went to one of his family members bday parties and he told them about it and now they all dont like me. so i think im gonna change it just to make them happy and they wont hate me. so aita for wanting to name my baby after my dad. okay im sorry for forgetting to put this into the paragraph but i tried to give him the option lots of times ive given him lists of names and he didnt like them. i told him to tell me names he liked and he would just say "idc", "idk", or "why does it have to by my choice"

nta

nta and you need to seriously reconsider continued involvement with that family and the boyfriend. they are trying to control you and saying they won’t like a baby because of it’s name? they sound like monsters. run away. far away

>he got mad and said i'm not naming the baby that he doesn't agree, then makes a demand and doesn't explain why? nta. you have a perfectly solid reason for wanting to name your child after your father. i'd be concerned about your boyfriend's reaction though. your situation may not be ideal but he doesn't get to make unilateral decisions like this. what other areas in your relationship is he trying to control?

126w842

aita for not letting my husband get a dog?

i 31f won’t let my husband 31m, get a dog. we have 3 boys, 13, 5 & 1.5, and our life is chaotic. my husband has had a chronic illness for the past 8 years, making him unable to work or drive. i have been the only breadwinner for this time. he does watch our 5 year old, as he’s in kindergarten half days. toddler goes to daycare. recently we have found a treatment that is giving us hope, and he is doing a lot better. he is considering looking for a job, but it has to work around our 5 year olds schooling, so he’s hoping to work from home. or we need to come up with a plan for someone to watch him before/after school, and during the summer. the search for a job has not been going well, so he has switched his attention to getting a dog. he says that he feels like that’s what he needs in his life right now. he says the dog will get him to go for daily walks, and make him clean up the house so the dog doesn’t get into anything. i suggested that he starts doing these things before he gets the dog, so he knows what to expect. he started cleaning, but the basement still had a lot of junk to throw out. he’s started signing us up to meet a few dogs, and basically shut it down, as i don’t think we’re ready. i work 48 hours a week, and have to drive the kids to various activities so i don’t have a lot of free time to help with all of this. so aita for not letting my husband get a dog, even though he feels like he needs this in his life right now?

nta

nta. he's treating a dog the way broken couples treat kids, like a magic bandaid that will fix everything. spoiler, it won't. he isn't currently in condition to care for a puppy, and the existence of said puppy will not change that. the care for this dog will fall to you.

nta. his solution to not being able to financially contribute, is to get something that costs buckets of money?

126w8sg

aita fed up with family

i love my family to death. i’m 18 years old and i’m a male. i work in a family business and we have a huge family so there’s a lot of us. a little context i’ve been having troubles with my dad for years and i don’t have a relationship with my mom they are split up. and my stepmother treats me like i’m just a burden and my dad caters to her a lot. recently they’ve been asking some things of me that i believe are too much and they have been for the last 7 years. i went through some traumatic stuff when i was younger that caused me to go through extreme grief and pain at a very young age. and when i needed help my parents always told me that i was fine. don’t get me wrong they have supported me financially my whole life and i am appreciative of that. but they spent my childhood telling me everything i do is wrong and telling me i’m not doing good enough. i have my life in order. i am booked into welding school starting my term in september, i work a full time job and do way more than full time hours. i pay for my phone bill and my car insurance. but according to them i’m a failure and they have never told me i’ve done a good job ever. my mom came back into my life but i caught her doing coke so i feel like all of her “improving” and us “being a family again” feels like a lie now. my aunt calls me to scream about her daughter (my cousin) and talk shit about her to me which feels inappropriate and crosses my boundries with what i’m ok with talking about with my family. they expect me to fix the problem too and i feel as though i shouldn’t be responsible for fixing my aunts problems with her daughter. all of these are just examples of recent situations that have been a pattern since i was in middle school. i’m now feeling like making some money and leaving and separating myself from my family cause all they do is dump thier problems on me to fix and leave me with it. i’m having a moral battle with myself trying to decide if seperating from my family makes me a shitty person. i just want to be happy and it feels like my family doesn’t want that. am i an asshole for being fed up and genuinely considering leaving thier lives for the near future. this is a really bare bones way to explain the situation but it’s enough to explain the base idea.

nta

>they have supported me financially my whole life and i am appreciative of that they're required by law to do this. you don't have to appreciate it like it's special. they literally *had* to support you financially. nta. if your relationships with them are unhealthy, by definition, the healthiest thing you can do for yourself is cut them off. gather your important documents (birth certificate, social security card, passport if you have one) and get them out of the house and keep them somewhere safe. make sure none of your family members have access to your bank accounts. then put together some savings and go.

get out. your family sucks. get a job that is not in the family business and move out. get that welding cert and get a job as a traveling welder (make the big bucks). block them all for at least 5 years and call it a day. they all are abusing you mentally and emotionally. no one should tell their child they are worthless. nta

126wj1c

wibta if i decline to attend my friends' at-home wedding reception after not being invited to their destination wedding?

my partner (39m) and i (31f) have neighbors (36m and 32f) who we have considered to be pretty close friends for about five years. these two friends were dating when we all met, and we would sometimes hang out together or go out to eat as a group. my partner and i were always the people they would rely on when they needed rides to go places or house-sitting while they went on day-trips and vacations with their other friends, sometimes for days on end (this occurred at least 10 times). while they were away, we would bring in their mail and packages and feed and clean up after their cats. when our one neighbor-friend (36m)went away for work-related duties for an entire year, my partner and i included the other friend (32f) in almost everything we did so she didn't feel lonely, and we even looked out for her while he was gone. we never asked for anything in return and also never expected anything. fast-forward: our friends got married about half a year ago and told us about every single detail of their wedding planning whenever we would see them. they wound up having a destination wedding where only their closest family and friends were invited, and my partner and i were not invited to this but we understood. they moved away and we haven't heard from them for months, but today, out of the blue, they sent us a virtual invitation to attend an at-home reception and said we must rsvp within two weeks. my partner and i have not been to many weddings and cannot distinguish if it's normal to have an additional reception for people who weren't invited to the original one. we sort of feel like they already had their "real" wedding and that what we are being invited to is a consolation event for the people who didn't make the first cut and that they might even be gift-grabbing. we both feel like we could be ta for skipping out on what is possibly a major life event for our friends, simply because we feel like an after-thought and potentially ruining the friendship we currently have. wibta if i tell my friends that my partner and i will not be coming? edit for context: i think the real reason we feel inclined not to go is because of previous feelings that haven't been addressed. we feel like when they lived near us, it was convenient to rely on us for a lot of things but they didn't generally find the time to show appreciation or reciprocate with kindness. one instance related to the wedding is when they asked us to watch their cats while they traveled and got married and still invited some of their friends. ever since they moved three months ago, we haven't heard from them. it just feels like since they don't have us next door to help them, we aren't of any use. so it just feels a little bad to be invited. personally, i am genuinely happy for them that they are married and doing well, but i feel like i don't belong there due to what i might be understanding is a one-sided friendship. also, i now understand that this is the normal and appropriate way to do destination weddings. i acknowledge that this was not a consolation event or a gift-grab attempt. thank you all for the insight.

nah

meh, nah. destination weddings are generally pretty small and it is common to have a reception closer to home for everyone to celebrate the marriage. that said, it's an invitation and not a subpoena. you can choose not to attend. it's ok.

nah. you aren’t obligated to attend the reception but your friends didn’t do anything wrong. this is how couples typically approach destination weddings: a ceremony and reception at the destination and a second reception at home a few weeks or even months later. a lot of times only very close family and friends would be invited because attending a destination wedding puts a huge financial burden on the guests and the couple knows that only certain people would make that sacrifice for them. think about it: would you spend a couple thousand dollars just to see this couple get married? they’re not having this party as a consolation. they’re doing it because they want to celebrate their marriage with all of their family and friends.

126wk65

aita for damaging my wife's car?

i got home from work tonight and my wife asked me to check the tyre pressure and oil in her vw polo. i did both. however, when opening her passenger side door, i managed to pop out the handle, making it useless and only workable from the inside handle. this has happend a few times now and i'm unlucky in that it happened to me. i was immediately accused of using too much force. i dont think i did. i messaged my mechanic and he said he can have a look tomorrow. i said i'm sick of being a dogsbody. she knows how to do both jobs, but didn't bother. i said as much... i got cross and told her to do it herself next time. aita for losing my temper at her?

nta

since it's happened before, nta it's a broken door handle that needs to be properly fixed, not simply popped back on. if it can be popped back on easily, it can pop off easily as well. seems a silly fight to be having, especially when you're doing your wife a favor.

nta you did what she asked you to do. it's happened multiple times now so we know it's already a flaw. does it suck? yeah. do you suck? no. if she was just bummed out that it happened that would be one thing but to blame you for something that has already happened a few times (presumably at other people's hands) is pretty shitty.

126wpy0

aita for wanting to limit my bil’s access to my unborn daughter because of his dating choices?

dummy account because the relevant parties are on reddit. i (31 f) am pregnant with a girl. my husband (33) has a younger brother (31) whose he's very close to. however i recently told my husband that i don't feel comfortable with the idea of his brother spending much time with my daughter once she's born. it's not because of my bil himself. we're not close but he's fine. the issue is his life choices. he's not married, has no intention of getting married or having kids, and dates only for sexual purpose. he dates multiple women and the only thing he has in common with them is that, like him, they are extremely good looking. he's highly intelligent, yet he has no interest in meaningful relationships. i spoke to him about his choices a few years ago, and after accusing me of being 'moralistic', he claims that he always uses protection and he never leads the women on. which i call bs on, as i can't imagine any woman with an increasing ticking biological clock would willingly be in a relationship which she knows doesn't have a future. not to mention, what woman would want to be with someone who may not even remember your name in a year's time? i mentioned this to my husband, however he called me an ah, and said that it was ridiculous to limit our daughter's access with her uncle just because i don't agree with his legal dating choices. aita?

yta

yes, yta. he's single not a predator. i also don't want marriage. there are a lot of us out here.

yta. and a judgmental, ignorant person. you do know that not everyone is interested in monogamy and children, right? that not every woman has an “increasing ticking biological clock?” has it not occurred to you that some women have no interest in marriage or children *and that their choices are* **just as valid** *as yours?* where the fuck do you get off talking to him about his choices? as long as all of his parters are consenting adults then he is doing nothing wrong and his choices are just as good as yours. **though he is obviously a much better person than you if he isn’t openly judging how you live your life.**

126wutf

aita for not letting my daughter compete in a cheer competition because she had the flu, running 101.2 fever.

i normally don't post anything. i'm a pretty private person. but for this, i'll make an exception...... i've taught my children to see the good in people. to have empathy for people. but, i've recently learned that not everyone has good in them nor have they the ability to show empathy. harper was recently kicked off her cheer team for having the flu and missing a competition. but even with a 101.2 fever the coaches still wanted her to compete. ugh-hummmmm......the flu is contagious, right? like really contagious. so, i made the right decision and kept her home. even though it wasn't harper's fault she was sick, they will not let her back on the team. the love she has for this sport is tremendous. she lives and breathes cheer. and she's so fucking good. her heart is in a million pieces. she's still making cards for her coaches and sends them with girls that are still on the team. now tell me, what kind of person can look at a little girl in her face knowing that her heart and soul are breaking into a million pieces and knowing you have the power to stop it? i'm not here to bash anyone. but i can't just sit quietly. the pain and anger i feel for not being able to do anything about this, is excruciating. what about second chances...what about changing the rules to not be so black and white, maybe take it case by case. that's what other gyms do, i've learned. they forbid any athlete to compete with a fever. and they can't come back until they're 24 hours fever free without meds. willful negligence. to knowingly put another person at risk? thats just not my style. you can talk about me all you want to. say what you will, think what you want to think, because i don't care. but when it comes to her, no thanks. i've apologized for making the right decision, still won't let her back on... i've apologized again, asking her from a mother to a mother. still no. i can swallow my pride. when it comes to her i will do anything. anything. but the backlash bashing from some of the other parents...ridiculous. [v] [v] [v]

nta

nta. this happened to my daughter as well in a soccer thing. she hurt her knee, like really hurt it not just a parent projecting pain onto their child. the doctor told us to keep her non active for awhile. the coach was so mad at us told us and punished her the rest of the season. benched her to the point the league threatened to punish the whole team due to rules. said real players play hurt. well i did that and will get my first knee replacement in my 40s. i wont let that be her. in the end all you can do is use this as a teaching moment. allow her to feel her emotions. but explain the importance of being healthy and safe. she probably would have felt worse if her whole team got sick!

nta and i’d honestly blast the cheer coach publicly for insisting kids cheer flu + with a fever.

126x1eo

aita for not letting my younger son's girlfriend live with us even though my older son's girlfriend did?

my younger son's (21) girlfriend is going through some things with her family, and he's asking if she can come stay with us (him, my daughter, and myself). which, absolutely not. i don't believe it's appropriate for couples to live together before marriage, and i'm certainly not going to fund it. he decided to throw in my face that my older son did at 18 for years and i "had no problem with it", which is just not true at all. when my oldest son was 18, our family was going through the worst time we've ever had. my marriage was headed for a divorce, and with how divorce law works in our state and some personal factors, a divorce would have to drag on for years, and my spouse was willing and able to drag it out for longer. it was incredibly hostile, so we both often took breaks from each other to stay with friends or family to give ourselves and the kids peace. during one of my breaks, my older son's now wife ran away from home and asked to stay with us. my ex approved her to stay. they said that they felt bad for her, but quite honestly i think it was just another opportunity for them to be the disney parent and get one over on me. i was of course the last to know. she did need a place to stay, but it was wholly inappropriate for her to live with us. my ex insisted, so my options became to either have it happen with guidance to make it as safe as possible, or have it happen with no rules whatsoever. i chose the former, because it was the only real option at the time, and was relieved that we managed to have it end with no incidents. the point is, i never actually agreed to it. my older son and his now wife took advantage of a complicated situation and the other homeowner overruled me. but it wasn't appropriate then or now. he's now accusing me of favoring his older brother, but i'm not. my values have never changed. he's going on about how much his older siblings did, but my rules aren't any different, they just snuck around and took advantage. aita?

yta

yta ...and i wouldn't expect to be hearing from your son much once he is able to move out.

yta. >have it happen with guidance to make it as safe as possible did she have a gun? >my marriage was headed for a divorce maybe if you'd lived together before marriage this could have been avoided.

126x48w

aita for voicing concerns about an unanswered email?

without giving identifying details, i am interested in becoming a member of a small non-profit organization. the group has been around for about 30 years, but it seems they have a bit of trouble keeping things updated on their website. after reading the organization’s bylaws that were posted about 5 years ago, i learned that members must follow the “procedures and policies” of the group, which were not located in that document. i personally feel more comfortable reading through these policies before actively attending meetings and seeking membership, so i searched for this document but to no avail. i asked about this in the organization’s fb group where a member gave me an email to make the request. they also mentioned that these “procedures and policies” are not located in a single document; that it’s in about 50+ documents. no big deal, i have no problem sorting through a bunch of docs. so i sent the email to request them. 3 weeks pass and i have received no response at all. just last week they did a board changeover so i can understand them not having time to get the documents together, but a basic response letting me know that my email was received would have been appreciated. since i’m finding that i’m only getting responses on fb, i made a post to the group stating that it had been over 3 weeks with no response to my email, that i understood this had been a time of transition for the board, but that i did find this a little concerning as someone actively seeking to become a member. well, people started blowing up at me. the first comment asked what the objective was of posting that, then started making guesses like i was shaming the volunteers, that i was trying to make the organization look like garbage, and that i was looking for something nefarious happening in the organization. others said that there is no membership and that the only members of the organization are the board. this confused me even more, as i’m fairly familiar with groups like this and membership is usually a prerequisite to even be nominated to become part of the board. i found myself fighting for my life in the comments, unsure of what i said to make people so upset. even the admin got mad at me and locked the comments, saying that all the answers to my question were either answered already or could not be answered at all. now i’m just left in confusion. i tried to get ahold of people and voice concerns in the ways that were available to me, but maybe i should have just stayed quiet and tried to wait? idk… aita?

nah

nah, but a little short sighted. you took it to their public facing fb. that is why they are reacting. you implied they were overwhelmed and could not do simple requests, publically. not really something that will drive up new donations. you are burnt with them. you should just move on.

nah: but you should have messaged the facebook page privately, not post publicly

126x6ml

aita for calling my father by his first name when he doesn’t use my name?

i (16ftm) came out to my parents 2 years ago. they are super supportive about my transition and care for me. unfortunately, for most of my life, my father has not been around as much as he and my mother divorced when i was very little. i do not have the greatest relationship with him either as i’ve had to raise him more then he has raised me. he has the “everything i do is wrong” “i guess i’m such a bad dad” mentality and i have never stood for it as i’ve been always super self aware since i was young and i don’t put up with his crap. when i came out i changed my name as well. my mother tries her best, but sometimes forgets. my father never tries though unless called out on it. the other day i was emptying the dishwasher when my dad called for me to come to him. but he was using my deadname so i ignored him. after a while he came down and told me he has been calling for me. “[deadname] i’ve been calling for you!” i responded with “[fathers name] that’s not my name”. i must have said it harsher then i meant as he began to tell me about how i can’t hold in responsible for it because he’s learning. i wouldn’t have a problem with this but he uses this excuse all the time, that i should be giving him time because he has always known me as his daughter and my name being [deadname]. i snapped and told him it’s been a few years and that he doesn’t even bother to try, so until he does, i’ll call him by his name because he isn’t acting like a father should. he went upstairs and stayed in his room for the night and we haven’t spoken since. i didn’t mean to upset him, but being constantly reminded that i’ll never be a real boy hurts a lot. was i to harsh?

nta

nta - and you are a real boy.

nta he isn't "learning". he is being purposeful and not respecting you or your boundaries. just continue not to respond when he calls you <deadname>. he has the choice.

126xcjs

aita for not doing anything special for my girlfriend’s birthday?

for the past three years, i (m22) have thrown her (f21) parties and bought her gifts she likes. however, she forgot my birthday twice and all she does is wishes me even though i told her it would be nice if she put in more effort. i thought maybe that birthdays simply aren’t a big event to her culturally, so i decided to not stress myself out to do anything special for her birthday this year and just take it easy. i wished her at midnight, and spent the rest of the day studying and hanging out with friends. she called me today screaming and crying to call me an awful and shitty boyfriend. aita?

nta

nta - might be time to look for a new girlfriend. she forgot 2 out of 3 of your birthdays and then threw a hissy fit when you didn't go all out for hers? find someone who appreciates you more and isn't using you.

tell her you saw from how she celebrated your *past two birthdays* that birthdays were, (quite obviously), not really that important to her. if you made that assumption in error-and she is just a selfish taker that can’t be bothered to reciprocate celebrations… well, excuuuuse you. nta

126xmvc

wibtah if i hire my sister a cleaner?

hi all. so, my youngest sister is due to have her second baby in july. she has a 3 year old son, and a full time job, as does her partner. i have been thinking about gifting her a professional cleaner for a couple of months for after the baby is born, as i know they struggle with their housework etc. show me anyone with a toddler who doesn’t. but when i’ve mentioned it to other family members, as i thought they’d be interested in chipping in; they are not keen on the idea because they think that we’d be implying that she and her partner have a dirty house and they would feel judged. i honestly don’t think she’d feel this way, but everyone else seems to think she would. my husband was surprised at the idea but he said he’d be ok with whatever i decide as i know my sister very well, we’ve always been close. but seeds of doubt grow fast. i’d love to get some outside opinions. thank you.

nta

nta, but just ask her. can go both ways.

nta but… you have to ask first. this is not something you can surprise a person with. you have to make sure she’s on board with it and it’s still some effort on her part. your sister has to be involved as she will ultimately be the one letting someone into her house, having to deal with scheduling and deal with any situations that arise. plus, she will probably have to tidy up a little bit so the cleaners can clean. (the difference between picking up and cleaning up is lost on many ) it is a very generous gift for you to give.

126xni7

aita for telling my roommate that i won’t let her borrow my dab pen?

i have a dab pen but my roommate lost hers. i let her borrow it a couple times. the first time, she took it for 3 weeks. i pretty much only smoke socially, and the people i’m with has one so it didn’t bother me too much and i didn’t ask for it back. she borrowed it again a couple weeks ago. i’m going on a trip this weekend and wanted to bring my pen, but before i could ask for it back, she went on a vacation (that i had no idea about). i told her that i wanted my pen back as soon as she got back and that i wouldn’t let her borrow it again since she takes it for such long periods of time, and at this point has smoked half of my cart. she called me an ah and said that i should have asked for it back sooner. the thing is i don’t think that if i let someone borrow something like that, that i should have to ask for it back. i sort of get that but the way i see it is that she should be returning it to me in less than a month or a couple of weeks. aita?

nta

nta but it's a good idea to set the expectation for when you want it back before you give it to her. more than a couple of days is excessive in my opinion. if she needs it for a month she should get her own

nta she is taking advantage of you and is completely rude. she should have used it when she asked to use it and immediately returned it. she’s a leach.

126xwwq

aita for locking out my neighbour from getting in the building and doing laundry?

so i live in an apartment building that requires you do have a key to the building to enter and to use the laundry room. it's pretty standard as far as i know. well my one neighbours (let's call her casey) that i share a wall with ~~gave away~~ lost her key about 4+ months ago (about the time i noticed) which means so cannot get into the laundry room unless someone lets her in and then she tapes the door so it cannot lock. well casey has also had very bad taste in men she brings home. and considering i can hear through the walls to her bedroom i'm pretty sure she is cheating on them as well. which has caused a lot of angry men in our building that makes me uncomfortable. there is one guy we call baldy who she claims is a stalker and won't leave her alone but she always lets him into the building and makes her current bf jealous. the other day baldy was outside and her bf was throwing some sort of glass down to him in the parking lot shattering glass everywhere. there was another time where one of her bf was high and thought that my apartment was casey's and ended up barging into my apartment getting angry because of something she has done. luckily my bf was there and was able to get him out and settled down but that's still not okay in my opinion. going back to the key thing, so she usually tries keeping the door propped open and unlocked so she can either a) get into the building after smoking or b) so she can do laundry. my main concern is that its been months of her not replacing her key and i don't like having her angry boyfriends around that can get into the building easily. and she is able to get a new key but she would have to go down to the strata and pay $50 for a replacement. i get that its not really casey's fault that the guys she brings over is assholes and make the place unsafe but also she invites them and causes issues to make them angry. usually when i see her tape or something that makes it so the door doesn't close i take it away so it locks behind me. but my main question is that aita for not being neighbourly and just letting her keep the doors unlocked?

nta

casey and her dating choices are not your problem. *your* problem is a lack of security with her random lovers, and who knows who else), wandering the halls *because she can’t be arsed to cough up $50 for a new key*. nta and lock the door. lock it every time. lock her out if she is out smoking instead of tending to her business.

nta. she is making your building unsafe for you and everyone else in it. keep locking the doors and start reporting her actions to the building manager.

126xxks

aita for taking no interest in my stepmother’s pregnancy or my future half-sibling?

my (15f) mom died when i was born. my dad dated, but none of them stuck until recently. i do think that i might have been part of the reason in some cases, as i know one was upset that i never “warmed up” to her. i don’t remember ever treating any of them badly, but i was usually not very interested in them. i feel like i don’t need a mom figure and i am happiest doing my own thing. that’s all for context, because i am trying to understand why everyone is upset and it seems possibly relevant to the current situation. i might be missing a pattern. my dad started dating helen 3 years ago and they married a year ago. things were difficult at first because it took some time for her to really understand that i do not need mothering and she will not fill that role for me. we finally arrived at a compromise in that she agreed to route all concerns through my dad instead of trying to parent me directly and in return i would spend a reasonable amount of time with her and my dad around schoolwork. that was working well until she became pregnant several months ago. my dad has said that the medical situation is a little stressful, so i might need to be more understanding of helen than usual for awhile. helen seems to be absolutely obsessed with the baby. it’s all that she talks about lately. i don’t have an interest in the subject, but i let her talk. because i skipped two grades, i am also graduating high school this year and preparing for college, so i have a lot of other things on my mind. the schrodinger’s ah situation happened this last week at dinner when she was talking about what it’s going to be like once the baby was born. in retrospect, she may have just been looking for validation, but she asked if i was excited about having a baby brother. i’m not, so i said that i wasn’t. she asked why and i said that 1) i will be at college by then and very busy, so that will be my focus; 2) i am not fond of babies in general; and 3) even if siblings were something that i wanted, i do not expect to be involved much with a half sibling that will have a nearly 16 year age difference. helen started crying and said that she doesn’t understand why i’m so cold all the time and she thought that at least i would be happy about the baby and loosen up some. she also asked if it would kill me to show some emotion and concern with how hard this is. my dad stepped in then, but later told me that i really hurt helen’s feelings and not caring about helen or the baby is cruel. he said that even if i don’t like helen, i should not take it out on my soon to be brother by denying him a big sister that loves him. i don’t really understand the problem to be completely honest and no one here seems to be willing or able to explain. i feel like the answer i gave was reasonable. so, aita?

nta

nta. that may not be a popular opinion, but your 15 and starting college. lots of people your age whose parents are still together and having a kid don’t look forward to it. i had cousins who are annoyed that their parents were having more children. that said, you probably could’ve worded it a little bit differently, and it would not have killed you to show a little bit of kindness. you’ll learn as you get older that you can be truthful while also wording things in such a way to minimize hurt feelings. you are still part of the family and she’s still your fathers wife and you should choose your words more carefully. good luck.

nta i really don't understand people asking questions and then not being prepared for the full range of answers. i get expecting one, but really? there's a reason lawyers only ask questions they already know the answers to. the surprise answer happens a lot more than people think. also, being pregnant doesn't automatically make a woman more desirable as a mom to someone else. it's super strange to think that op would all of a sudden develop son-like feelings towards her and the kid growing in her. the kid, to most kids, isn't really a concrete person yet. i would hold out hope that maybe down the line feelings about the half-sibling might change. but it could also not. also, i think telling the truth trumps being an asshole. sometimes, the truth isn't pleasant. it's not being an asshole to tell the truth. i personally feel it's more os an asshole thing to lie to not tell the truth.

126y1rs

aita for "avoiding my feelings"?

here’s the situation described as briefly as possible; i had a friend who meant a lot to me, yet at the same time he and his forgetfulness caused me a lot of rsd before and rsd really makes me impulsive. when i have a bad rsd episode i will not listen to anyone other than my father and my brother, other people talking to me then just makes it worse tbh. if in such a situation anyone else tries to reason with me and says i mean something to them i’ll just think it’s a lie and feel insulted because they can’t even admit that they hate me and if someone actually affirms my rsd in such a moment it’s like gasoline. i already did dangerous and stupid things because of it. a few weeks ago he unintentionally did something that caused me to have the probably worst rsd of my existence. looking back i see how dangerous that was for me, especially because it was on a class trip in a foreign country. but it made something in my brain click, and then i decided to just not speak to him anymore. having people like him emotionally close to me is just a risk for me. yes, he didn’t want to cause this, i don’t even blame him, but for my own good i should just not be around people. when he asked why i ignored him after the incident i explained to him that my safety and keeping myself from having rsd episodes all the time is my priority now. he then just said i’m not worth his time. now comes the interesting part; recently he had a presentation. he didn’t once look into my direction druing it, only when during the analysis part he mentioned that the protagonist of his topic is avoiding his feelings he did. but why is it wrong for me to push everyone away to avoid rsd? there’s nothing i can do against it, my meds are helping with it already, but when it gets too extreme it gets too extreme. i can’t endure the extremes of it just like that and i also can’t drag my brother along everywhere i go just so he can look out for me, he’s not my babysitter. having friends simply is not worth the risk it brings. i prefer being alone over constantly feeling like shit and then doing stupid and potentially dangerous things. so, aita for avoiding my rsd? (also please do not get here and just be like „just go to therapy“ it doesn’t work for me. don’t tell me to just try, i already did, often and long enough now. i mean it when i say that.) (rsd stands for rejection sensitivity disphoria)

yta

yta your expectations are unreasonable because of mental health issues. you would not be ta except you refuse to deal with your issues and instead act as if your issues are someone else's problem to manage if they want to have any relationship with you.

sorry but yta. you have a disorder that is true but it is no ones responsibility to handle your issues but you. you chose not to deal with it for whatever reason but you can’t expect other people to understand it and just be fine with you deciding on a whim that you do not want anything yo do with them anymore because of your problems. that is not how friendships or any interpersonal relationships work.

126y8rz

aita for taking my best friends spot on the cheer squad

for context me and my best friend are entering freshman year of high school (yes we’re young i know) and there were cheer tryouts before school starts so you can go to camps before hand. so my best friend let’s call her m was on cheer for our 8th grade year and has done tumbling for years. and i can’t even do a round off (aka never cheered in my life). she was nervous to tryout and i offered to tryout with her so she wouldn’t look dumb compared to me. there were three days of tryouts and i did ok but m was alot better then me (obviously). but she has this really big ego on people she sees as less then her. she was super mean to this one girl trying out saying she was doing everything wrong . laughed when girls messed up etc. after the tryouts the list was posted 2 weeks before school starts. i went and checked if i had made it and i was really shocked when i found out i did. i went home really excited because it’s a new opportunity and i could do it with my best friend. but i get a call from m and she was so mad at me. she said i took her spot and didn’t deserve it. i thought she had made it because i didn’t look at any other name but my own, and since she was really good i just figured. she said her mom called the coach and the coach said she had seen m be really mean to the girls and that’s not the kind of attitude they wanted. she called me a goody two shoes and said they were taking pitty on me. she told me if we wanted to stay friends i would have to quit. she’s been my bff for 11 years and i don’t want to lose her and i know she deserved it more and that she’s better. i have like 1 week to quit and i want to know before if it would be the right thing to do.

nta

nta!! ok. i can't do a round off either. but your coach saw something in you that she wants to work with and cultivate. if you're interested in the activity and not just because your friend was? participate! your friend is going to have to absorb the fact that being an asshole, once in a blue moon, will actually cost her something. (don't worry. when she graduates from college, she can always go into finance.) but in the meantime? you cheer. you did it. you made the team. congratulations. and if your friend wants to dump you for this? you know about that, right? not your friend. you did not take her spot. you merely made the team. and if you decide to keep her as a friend and don't do cheerleading to keep the peace? your world is going to keep getting smaller. because she's a small person right now. cheer and allow her to grow. nta

nta. do you really want a best friend who puts you down when they don’t make it for things you do? or someone whose mean to other people for no reason? you’ll be seen as mean as default just for being around her when she acts like that.

126yf4p

aita for telling my sister to stop pushing her insecurities on me?

some background information: my sister has always been on the more curvy side, while i was always more slim. i never did any workouts and ate like shit so it was 100% genetic. after i hit the age of 13 i gained weight till i was 70kg. after that my mom and sister always told me i was fat on the daily basis (they both still weighted more). after my 14th birthday i lost weight again dropping to 60kg and where i am today. completely normal for 165cm. i've started trying to lose weight and be more active for my mental health, because after 1 year of being called fat you just never feel comfortable in your body again. now my sister told my mom i had an eating disorder, which i do not. my mother confronted me and i told her that's bs. everytime my sister sees me she says: "you're not skinny enough" etc as in a way to mock me trying to be slimmer. today i've had it. when she said again: "maybe u should stop eating, you'll lose weight!", i told her that she should stop being immature and that i just want to do my thing i peace. just because she's insecure, doesn't mean i'm not allowed to lose weight. well my mom now makes me seem like a total jerk. so,, am i really the asshole or we both are?

nta

nta. i had very similar experience at your age. best advice is to ignore it bc sister is being petty and your mom is favoring her. there’s no winning here. trying to prove you’re right will just be tiresome and will probably fall on deaf ears.

nta. what your mum is doing is detrimental. and your sister seems jealous. however your weight is perfect for your current height, and assuming you're 14, you are still growing. so i would put the losing weight to the side a bit, as your body needs all the nutrients it can get. get sporty, get fit, but try to not mess with your food. i say this as someone who has had a severe ed growing up, and if there's one thing i could change about my life back then, it would be the relationship i cultivated with food in my early teens.

126yifv

aita in my marriage for adopting a cat 5 years ago?

my husband and i have been married for 2 years but lived together for 6. 5 years ago, i heard about a cat (lets call him og cat) with a visual impairment at my local shelter. i have experience caring for senior cats and cats with disabilities, so i went with my then-boyfriend to go visit this cat. he was against adopting it, i was for it, we argued, and in the end we drove to the shelter to pick him up. he never explicitly said he was ok with adopting it. i admit to forcing his hand here. since we lived together i should have given more weight to what we wanted. i have told him many times that i am sorry over the years for not listening and that it is a big regret of mine. the cat turned out just fine aside from its visual struggles and anxiety around people. &#x200b; one year later i got cancer. i was very depressed, stressed as i was working a ton trying to get us a larger apartment while partner was in school. the cat we had seemed lonely. someone mentioned that there was a cat with the same eye issue my cat had up for adoption. i told my partner, we talked it over, and once i was approved for the cat's adoption we decided to make a cheer-up trip out of it. this time, partner was on-board and it was an easy choice. this cat is extremely friendly, well-behaved and he loves her. i recovered from the cancer shortly after. &#x200b; fast-forward: i bought us a townhouse, we get married, i sell the og house so we can upgrade to a neighborhood my now-husband really wanted. the home we bought has beautiful hardwood floors. in the last week we have uncovered that the og cat has a new peeing problem. we throw away what og cat pees on, which i know is a pain for my husband - so far he has had to dispose of a sofa chair/cushion, a laundry basket, a paper shredder, and a plastic play tube. it has happened twice on the hardwood and i have found hydrogen peroxide is a great way of removing the stains. i immediately booked a vet appointment and got sedatives for og cat for monday, bc it seems like a possible uti issue. husband found the second pee puddle and said "i'm stressed because i'm dealing with a cat that isn't even mine that i didn't even want and its ruining our house." i responded with the point that the stain isn't forever, i am quick to fix the stain (as good as i can - it does strip the stain on the wood a bit) and the vet appointment is booked asap. i also mentioned other measures we could take to limit this cat's access to the rest of the home while he was ill. &#x200b; i also mentioned that when we got married i assumed that we would approach the cat situation as a team - getting married meant he accepted that i came with a cat. he didn't really acknowledge this so i sat with him but just felt hurt as i've always felt guilty over adopting this cat our entire relationship and tried many times to apologize, and taken over as much responsibility for the cats as possible. i still feel like this is my fault. aita?

nta

it's been five years. the cat is part of your family. is your husband going to decide, years after you have a baby or make some other big life choice, that it's not "his responsibility" because he wasn't 100% onboard at the time. seriously. there is some kind of expiration date for adoption remorse, and he's now well past it. but this is bigger. your husband/so has been guilt-throwing for five years, and you sold your house, and bought a townhome in *his preferred neighborhood*, you've worked hard (even when you had cancer) so that you could afford a house, and somehow you feel guilty for adopting a cat five years ago. you are nta, but boy did you marry one.

nta it's been five years. husband has a right to be upset about pee and is probably just griping but he shouldn't be griping about stuff that happened 5 years ago. that's not healthy. good luck with your kitty; i hope it feels better soon.

126ys2v

aita for seeing gay smut on my sisters computer and not telling her?

so for background, i mainly took care of my sister growing up. my mom passed away, and my dad would be gone for weeks at a time. so it was my responsibility to cook for us, to make sure she was doing her homework, get her to and from school, and also pay a portion of the bills and all of that. so after that, we are closer than most siblings i’d imagine. when i was 17, my sister was 14 and we shared a room but had different beds. she didn’t like sleeping alone. we also shared a phone and laptop. she fell asleep one night, playing on her computer, and when i got up in the morning i grabbed the laptop off her bed to do school work. i opened the computer and was immediately hit with text talking about sucking cock. it was from a fanfiction website, so like basically word porn. i went to go exit out but i noticed that it wasn’t straight porn, but gay porn. that surprised me. i was wondering why would she be looking at gay porn. i’m bi, and i had a boyfriend at the time, which i had recently told her about. so i was sitting there, wondering if she looked it up because of me, which made me feel super weird. i don’t know why it made me feel that way, but the stuff was super graphic and sexual and i was hoping she didn’t think that was how gay couples really are. i also was her surrogate parent figure, and was wondering if i should have a talk with her about it. i decided not to, though. i must have been on there for a minute before i exited out the page. i got over it, and didn’t mention it to her. but recently we were having a conversation (and i mean 6 years in the future) where my sisters friend was talking about his one-night stand with a guy he met to me and my sister. he said, “i won’t go into details. i know a girl wouldn’t want to hear about what men do with each other, i don’t want to gross you out, but i had a great time.” she said, “please, there is nothing you could tell me that’s worse or more graphic than some of the smut i’ve read online.” i snorted and muttered like, “i believe it.” thinking in my head i had first hand experience there. by this point i knew a lot of women read m/m smut online, so i got it now, where i didn’t before. she ended up questioning me about what i said later, and i told her how i found it on her computer at 14. her whole face turned red and she said, “wtf, why did you stick around enough to realize it was gay porn? why didn’t you immediately exit out the page? and how am i just hearing this now?” i was like, “dude, i was on the page for a minute max. i was also surprised, i wasn’t expecting to see that on my 14 year old sisters computer. i wasn’t snooping, and it was obvious it was gay porn. it took like five seconds for me to realize.” she was horrified and locked herself away for the night. aita? it was right in front of my face, how was i not suppose to not notice?

nah

lots and lotsa straight women love their slash fic! nah people are complicated. we all like what we like. it's not a big deal. like walt whitman said, i contain multitudes... she feels exposed. it would be cool of you to go to her and let her know that you're not judging her. if you are? that sucks. but i don't think you are.

nah! your sister is just embarrassed.

126ywlm

aita for wanting to book an airbnb to avoid my mother in law?

i (26f) work two jobs and i'm a full time student. i work from 08:00 until 20:30. my bf (26m) mom is coming over for a visit next week and honestly, i don't want to be here then. it's a very small apartment and his mom is a witch. i will be working whilst she's here and i must have a quiet working environment for my job. i'm an online teacher, so a quiet environment is essential for my job. wibta if i book into an airbnb for the duration of her visit? my bf says it'll be rude if i get an airbnb for myself when his mom comes for a visit.

nta

nta. this sounds like a bf problem even more than a bf’s mom problem. how is he so oblivious to the fact that you don’t have time to play host to his mother?

nta. she should be the one staying at the air bnb. it's your home *and* workplace. tell him to take his mother to work with him if he doesn't think she'd be a distraction.

126yy5i

aita for not sending my brother a wedding gift?

here’s the context. my brother (36) and his partner have gotten engaged after being together for 10 years. i never thought it was going to happen. when he called to tell me i was over the moon excited for him. right after telling me he’s getting married he informs me that me and my family are not invited to the wedding. his justification is that his partner comes from a large family and they don’t want to spend the money on a wedding to accommodate family, as such they are only inviting their parents and grand parents (my grandmother is 96 years old and she is not willing to fly to take an 8 hour car ride to go, so she won’t be attending). while i respect their ability to make this choice as adults, i don’t agree with it. a wedding can be as cheap as you want it to be and should be a celebration with your family. i find this choice to be very self centred and says allot to me about how they see my family and their extended family. my wife keeps trying to convince me that we need to get them a gift or money. i don’t even want to get them a card let alone a gift. aita?

nta

nta. nope, no gift required. i am sure your brother and future sister-in-law will understand 😉

nta for not wanting to give them a gift. your brother probably isn’t expecting one. he might have just wanted to give you a heads up about his plans so you didn’t feel blindsided. i do think your attitude regarding his wedding is a little unfair. they’re basically eloping and bringing their parents and grandparents along as witnesses. after 10 years together it’s understandable that they don’t want have a big wedding. they probably see themselves as married already so they might feel there’s no point in having an expensive party to celebrate their commitment being legally recognized. you’re correct that there are ways to have a wedding without spending a lot of money but it’s their money that they would be spending, not yours. they shouldn’t have to pay for something they don’t want. if your brother didn’t value his relationship with you and your family he wouldn’t have been so transparent about his plans. you shouldn’t need him to throw a party in order to be assured that you’re an important part of his life.

126z19h

aita for asking my partner to cut back on playing video games?

my partner(26m) and i(24x) are both video game nerds and aside from anime it’s our second most common interest. we’ve been together 2yrs, living together for a year and a half. my partner has always played more games than myself but within the last 3mo he’s been staying up til 4-5am the night before every day off. i go to a lot of concerts with friends so a 6am bedtime is no stranger to me. normally i wouldn’t have an issue with him being a night owl, however his days off are during the week and i’m a light sleeper. he’s crawling into bed and waking me up when i have to be up for work in an hour. aita for asking him to come to bed before 3am?

nta

nta, it’s affecting your sleep and work. he could either go to sleep at a reasonable time, stay up that last hour until you’re up, or sleep on the couch until you start to get ready. there are plenty of decent options that don’t ruin your night of sleep. i understand that he is tired by that time, but his actions his consequences.

nta for asking your partner to come to bed before 3am. sleep is important for both physical and mental health, and being constantly woken up by your partner can have a negative impact on your sleep quality and overall well-being. it's understandable that your partner wants to spend time playing video games, but it's important to find a balance that works for both of you. you can try having a conversation with your partner about the impact his late nights are having on your sleep, and see if you can come up with a compromise that works for both of you. perhaps he can set a specific time limit for his gaming sessions, or he can move his gaming setup to another room to avoid waking you up. alternatively, you could invest in some earplugs or a white noise machine to help you sleep through any noise. ultimately, it's important to communicate your needs and concerns to your partner in a respectful way, and work together to find a solution that works for both of you.

126zldv

aita for giving away my (25f) friends (26f) concert ticket?

about 6 weeks or so ago i bought gig tickets for myself (25f) and my friend (26f). the gig is 3 months away. it has sold out now. she asked if i could buy them and she'd pay me back the week after for hers. it was around £50. i'm quite patient and i trusted my friend. i have asked (nicely) for her to pay me back every week since i bought the tickets. i wasn't necessarily in a rush for the money or anything, but when i saw her getting tattoos, getting her nails and hair done and paying out for other things, it rubbed me up the wrong way. at one point she even won £400 gambling. every single time, she can't afford to pay me back just yet. i decided i'd give her another few weeks to pay me back, and if she didn't then i'd give away her ticket. i didn't tell her this. well, last night she messaged me out of the blue to tell me i should sell her ticket as she's not going to be able to afford it. i asked if she needed another few weeks. she said no, she wants me to sell it or give it away. so i did. tonight she has messaged me saying that she has the money for her ticket. when i explained that i've already given it to another friend, she lost it with me. she called me a horrible friend, told me i was selfish to do that to her and now won't talk to me. aita for giving away her ticket when she asked me to? tldr; my friend owed me money for a concert ticket, i gave her almost 2 months to pay me back but it wasn't a priority to her. she asked me to sell her ticket as she can't afford it. i sold it and now she's angry with me.

nta

nta. your friend sounds delusional. friend: “sell the ticket.” you: *sells the ticket.* friend: “i can pay for the ticket now.” you: “i sold it because you told me to sell it.” friend: *surprised pikachu face*

nta. you literally did what she told you to do!

126znh8

aita for turning my sister into the school for a fight she was involved in?

okay so i(15f) am a triplet. my two sisters are named hope and hannah(not really). i am super close with hope, she is my best friend in the world. i was very close with hannah as a kid but in middle school she fell in with a group of girls who have been a horrible influence on her and she’s completely changed who she is to fit in with them. she got her nose and belly button pierced without telling us, she smokes in the school bathrooms, sneaks out to go to parties, says racial slurs(we’re white) and she’s become incredibly homophobic. last year i came out to my family as a lesbian and everyone except her was supportive. she thinks it’s a trend and a phase. in the beginning of the school year my girlfriend and i walked past her and her friends while holding hands and they all started laughing. my parents have punished her countless times for how she treats me and her bigotry in general but she never changes and their convinced she’ll grow out of it. anyways, there’s been a “scandal” at our school because it came out that one of the really popular football guys was secretly hooking up with this gay kid at parties while he was dating hannah’s best friend. this all happened in january/february but since then it’s come out that hannah’s friend was cheating on him too and he knew about it. but hannah and her friends have gone out of their way to harrass him and make feel horrible. he’s now dating the same boy and they take pictures of them together and post it on their private stories just to make fun of them and other stuff like that. well anyways after a party hannah her friends went to this kids house and spray painted a slur on his lawn(apparently it was only the boys in the group that did it but she was still there cheering them on) the boy was outed to his parents and they’ve pressed charges for vandalism. hannah told us about it when she got home and i yelled at her and my parents yelled at her but she showed no remorse. at school many kids got called to the office and my sister wasn’t one of them. our principal said if we know anything to bring information to him so i went and reported her for what she did. now she’s being suspended with her friends when she “had a plan” to let the boys take the fall. my parents are mad because they claim they have it handled and it was a family matter. my friends at school all agree that i did the right thing. and it’s not like she had already learned her lesson from my parents so i wanted her to understand that her actions have consequences but aita here?

nta

nta. your sister needs serious therapy. whatever your parents are doing is not changing anything and for them to be mad because it'd been handled "in family" is ridiculous. they are enabling her by trying to protect her from this suspension/school punishment.

nta. calling it a family matter doesn't work when she's out committing crimes against other people. your parents should be glad it's only being escalated at the school level and not the legal system level. they very clearly do not have it handled.

126zw4d

aita for turning in a friend that cheated on a test

i (15f) and my friend (15f) are in hot water because of something that i just did, and i'm starting to panic and consider that i was the asshole here. background: our school is pretty strict regarding academic integrity, and prosecute people who both send and receive restricted information about tests; this is explicitly stated all the time. my friend, who i'll call madison, has had a couple of instances where she asks me for potential test answers and i refuse to give them to her, we have had many conversations where i have stressed that i don't want to be involved in any form of cheating, even just telling her what all is on the test (i understand how this can be annoying, but she could ask someone else if she really wants this info) so, today madison and i had a test in english class, which is our 5th period and that teacher is probably the most strict about integrity and cheating. as i open my computer to take the test, i see that in our class group chat (about 10 ppl), madison has sent a list of specific answers to some questions on the test and follows up with: "don't snitch tho yall". i see this, ignore it, and take the test (answers are hidden upon submission), and while waiting for the period to end i'm texting my other friends and we collectively decide that i should let the teacher know that she cheated. so, after class, i spoke with our teacher and showed her the text conversation in question, she was not happy. a couple of periods after this, madison texts me asking why the fuck i would do that to her, saying that i breached her trust and ruined her future, she also told me this would go on her permanent record. i felt pretty bad, considering first of all i never wanted her to know it was me, i didn't want to hurt her feelings. i can't tell if i did the right thing turning her in or not, and now the test grades won't come out until after break (this all is happening the day before spring break) and the violation is being taken very seriously. i never intended for it to go this far. aita? &#x200b; &#x200b;

yta

look, i mean this in the nicest way possible, but you need to learn to mind your business before someone’s had enough of the moral police getting them into trouble and actually starts causing you trouble. you’re only 15 so it’s understandable you think you’ve done the right thing, and theoretically yes you have, but ratting on people for no good reason generally doesn’t get you very far. she wasn’t hurting anyone and none of your other mates volunteered to tell the teacher, i’d generally advise you to steer clear of being the moral representative of justice in cases like this where no one’s being hurt… soft yta.

i honestly dont understand how seeing possible answers to a test you havent taken (and which you dont know the questions) would be cheating. i would call it studying. i mean if you stydy trying to answer possible questions which were asked by the teacher before. and it happens to be the same questions in your actual exam how is that cheating? she is not copying right there she knows that stuff. it is not her fault the teacher is lazy enough to come up with other questions. if that is the case and it is not like she got the exam beforehand ...yta honestly she didnt really cheated and you jeopardized her future...to your supposedly "friend"

12702c9

aita for not wanting to match with my friends in our graduation photos?

i am graduating college this may. i did a combined program so i am earning both my masters and bachelors degree. because of my masters degree, i get a different color cap and gown than my friends who are just earning a bachelors degree. it is very common for friend groups to get professional pictures together for graduation. my group consists of five girls (including me). we are all wearing white dresses. 3 of the girls wanted to wear nude heels, and me and another one of the girls in the group wanted to wear red heels as we find the color more flattering on ourselves. i said we could all wear what shoes we wanted since it does not matter a whole lot, but the other girls in the group told us that we all had to match and go out and buy nude heels since they already owned a pair. next, they insist that they do not want me to wear my different color cap and gown in the pictures because they want us to all look the same and my gown would take away from their accomplishments. this is upsetting as i earned my gown and must now take pictures wearing the gown i will not graduate in, and shoes that do not flatter me, and still must pay for the pricy photos. i do not own the other gown, and must either buy one (on top of nude shoes) or go out of my way yo find a friends to borrow. am i the asshole for not wanting to match with my friends for graduation photos?

nta

nta…..wear whatever the hell you want. it’s your graduation. congrats btw 🎉

the fact you keep using the word ‘must’ kind of says to me you seem to think you don’t have a choice in the matter. you don’t have to do any of these things if you don’t want to. you can simply say, hey i appreciate your intention, but i’d really like to wear what i feel most comfortable in. i mean, why would you want to match anyway? why wouldn’t you all want to wear what you want and express yourselves the way you want to and celebrate each other’s achievements whilst all feeling comfortable with yourselves? your friends sound boring and jealous of your achievements. nta but i think you need better friends.

1270e5h

aita for not defending my brother

i have a middle school brother (11) we go to the same school (it’s a high school/middle school in the same building) we both get picked up by our mom because of his after school activities. my brothers hates one of my good friends she’s a cool person but called him a b.tch once and it’s created a life long hatred. we were all standing outside after school waiting to be picked up i was talking to my friend and a few other people she’s friend's with and my friend and i are taking selfies and she goes to take a 0.5 of me and he walks over and tries to push me out of the photo so he can be in it she tells him that she’s taking a photo of me not him and he starts getting aggressive then he says “i was going to say something really mean but i won’t” and she told him to do it around this time another friend of mine walked over and me and her started talking but the whole time i could hear my little brother screaming at her calling her “a rich bitch” “a hot chetto girl” “an asshole” eventually i turned around and told him to stop because she had stopped engaging with him and i could tell she was trying to continue her conversation with her other friends after i told him to stop he turned on my and started screaming at me saying a should defend him and back him up but honestly idk how i was supposed to defend him when he was just spewing insults at her and she was trying to walk away when my mom came to pick us up my brother told her my friend was bullying my older sister who’s finishing high school online was in the car and screamed at me she called me a mean girl and a bitch and that i was a terrible person when i told her what actually happened she said i was i liar and should have defended him anyways became he’s family but i feel like if i did that it would just fuel his habit of trying to start fights with people my mom and sister now say that i shouldn’t stand with my friends after school and that i should stand by my brother and make sure he’s happy. am i the asshole should i have defended

nta

nta you were (rightfully) defending your friend after your brother was being a jerk and your mom took your brothers side. you didn't do anything wrong and from what i gathered you weren't even mean about it to your brother you just told him to stop. so yeah your brother needs to work on anger management and your mom needs to realize that your brother was being and ah not you.

too hard to follow. there is no punctuation. but i’m going to take a guess and say nta.

1270es2

aita for not wanting to make my future brother-in-law a groomsman?

my fiancé \[25f\] and i \[29m\] are from the same hometown, but we never went to school together. i graduated high school the year before she started at the same high school. i did, however, go to school with her older brother \[30m\]. her brother was a bully to my during our entire school careers. he made fun of me for being fat and nerdy, he would call me racist names (they're italian and i'm indian, so he had a lot to say about that), and he was just overall terrible to me. i figured once we graduated, i'd never see him again, and for the most part, i was right. i went off to college out of state, and then ended up going to graduate school as well. during my first year in grad school, i was a ta for a class, and i noticed one of the girls who i thought was very smart and very pretty, but obviously i couldn't go out with her because of our positions. well, right after the semester ended, i ran into her at a coffee shop off campus and we chatted for a bit. she ended up asking me for my number, and then she actually asked me out a few weeks later. we've been together ever since. at the start of our relationship, i had no idea who her brother was. they have a very common american last name, so it's not like that was going to do anything. eventually, we figured out we were from the same town and we went to the same high school, at which point she asked me if i knew her brother and i said i knew of him, but not well. i probably should've told her what her brother had done to me at that point, but i was too embarrassed, so i kept it hidden. things really came to a head when she introduced me to her family a year later. her brother actually called me by the same nickname he liked to use to bully me, and then made a few semi-insulting remarks towards me again. my fiancé (girlfriend at the time) noticed and called him out on it, and he just explained that that was how we always talked before. i told her it wasn't a big deal since i didn't want to cause any drama. we got engaged three months ago. recently, we were talking about wedding plans and stuff with her family, and he asked me when i was going to ask him to be a groomsman and if i was doing anything special. i deflected, and after the call i asked her about it. she explained that her brother expected to be made a groomsman, since she was making my little sister and her sil bridesmaids and he made her a bridesmaid in his wedding. i told her about why i didn't like her brother, and she said that she understood, but it was still right to make him a groomsman. i said no again, and she got pretty upset about it and said her parents were going to be mad. i was also annoyed, so i texted her family group chat to say that he wasn't going to be one under any circumstance, and now they're all made at me. aita? ** **edit 2:** so i showed my fiancé this post and she had an actual panic attack reading through the comments. she kept repeatedly asking me if i was going to break up with her and then she kept saying sorry. i think the comments telling me to reconsider the relationship and consider whether or not i wanted to actually have a future with her really got to her. she's yelling at her parents on the phone right now. i have no idea whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. **edit 3:** so my fiancé's parents decided they wanted to talk to me after my fiancé yelled at them. her mom apologized straight away and said that she had no idea we had such a history, and although she believed his comments had always been wrong, she thought i was okay with it. her dad also apologized but tried to talk about how family was more important and i should let this all be in the past. i said i couldn't, and he started getting really angry at me, and now all three of them are yelling at each other again (well mostly my fiancé and her mom vs her dad) and i'm starting to feel really guilty about this whole thing.

nta

i can’t believe that your fiancée wants you to have your bully as a groomsman, especially considering that he still acts like an ah towards you. it also sounds like he’s a racist. you are the groom, you get to choose your groomsmen. nta. stick to your decision and tell your fiancée and her family that the decision is final.

groomsmen are your choice. they are representatives of you. you dont owe him anything. nta.

1270k98

aita? only willing to sell company to co-founder for $x

back story: biz partner (let’s call him joe) and i started a company a year ago. we barely made any money from it and decided we’d sell it. joe did not want to sell but came around to the idea eventually. i listed it online for $10,000. we received only one legitimate offer for $10,000 but joe said “no, the minimum i would ever sell it for is $15,000”. we were able to negotiate a higher offer from the buyer for $15,000 but it’s been a few weeks and they are still waiting for their company approval to buy at that price. they say their offer is firm but right now we’re only actually able to accept the $10,000 offer online. joe has now offered me $5,000 to buy me out and has said that if the buyer gets approval for $15,000 that he will match their offer and pay me the additional $2,500. i don’t think it’s fair to string the buyer along and wait for them to get approval. also, since joe was the one who said he wouldn’t sell it for any less than $15,000, i believe that’s what i’m owed. (half of 15k). i told joe i would only accept $7,500 and if he wants to wait to see the buyer’s approved offer then we have to sell to them. aita for not taking his offer? tldr: cofounder doesn’t want to sell business, won’t buy it for 15,000 to match our current potential offer. wants to pay 10k which is the current confirmed offer. we don’t have any other offers other than the 10k (which could potentially turn into 15k if they get it approved). so i’m telling him i’ll only sell it to him for 15k (7.5k to me). he’s offering to buy it for 15k if they get it approved. but right now only 10k as that’s the current approved offer.

nta

nta you're entitled to pursue the best deal for your own interests, but i'm confused because if your co-funder is willing to pay you $10,000 for your 50% of the business, that's more than you would receive from this third-party buyer ($15,000 / 2 = $7,500 for your 50%). also, stringing people along is the norm in these kinds of transactions. both sides do it to each other, and that should have zero influence on your ultimate decision.

nta. you meant that joe was offering $5,000 for your share of the business, yeah? and he agreed to give you $2,500 more when he finally sold it for $15,000? what happens if the buyer doesn't get approval for the $15,000? does joe keep the business? if he is going to sell it for $15,000, then the minimum you should accept from him is $7,500. it just isn't adding up; based on your description of joe, i think he would stop attempts to sell the company after you have left the picture. the best move would be to get joe to sign a contract that promises you your remaining funds for 50% of the company's value upon sale, so if he manages to sell it for $20,000, you would get $5,000. best of luck, mate.

1270leb

aita for refusing to tell my wife that she’s skinny?

my wife (f31) has some sort of obsession with being skinny even though she’s clinically and visibly obese. she already is seeing her therapist and doctor about it so she learns to accept her body. i find her beautiful either way, but she keeps asking me whether i think she’s skinny or not. i tell her that she is not skinny but she is still beautiful, because i’m not going to support a delusional idea and enable her dysmorphia. today we were at the mall and she tried on this dress and was really excited and told me that she thinks it made her look slim and asked me if i agreed. i told her she looked great in the dress but it doesn’t make her look skinny if that’s what she was going for. she started crying and screamed at me for body shaming her and never supporting her. aita?

nta

nta. i used to ask stupid shit like that but like whether i looked fat or not or if i’d lost weight etc etc. instead of answering and being truthful, my partner at the time straight up refused to indulge the question and would not answer. would tell me they were not going to answer and enable the behaviour. sounds harsh but it actually really helped, i knew i wouldn’t get any feedback from asking the questions, and i stopped asking. eventually my desire to soothe my anxiety or seek a dopamine hit from asking the question faded away. edit spelling

nta. it doesn't sound like you're being nasty to her, just answering her questions honestly and telling her that to you, beautiful /= slim. i do hope her therapist can help because she obviously needs it, but it's not right for her to set traps for you.

1270qiu

aita for not buying my friend a good enough house gift for letting me stay there?

so this is a current dispute between myself and my best friend (known eachother for over 15 years now). i’ve moved countries and told him i was flying back to london for a week or so for work. he said i could stay in his place since he’ll be travelling in egypt at the time, which i thought was a super nicer offer (otherwise my plan was to stay at my parents which is no biggie, that was my original plan). he mentioned it was fine, and said “just buy me a house present or something”. cool, so i stayed there for the week, before i left i bought him some artisan beers (he’s really into beer), some premium chocolates and some posh pastry things. essentially just a little bundle of treats. my initial idea was to get him a new plant but i was so busy with work i didn’t really get a chance to find a place. the other things to note is he’d washed some fresh sheets for me in the washing machine which was thoughtful so i could make the spare bed (although the sheets were still damp when i got there so had to spend the first night with no sheets etc whilst they dried - but that’s not his fault, that was very thoughtful). also, i left the flat in the same state i arrived, although i tidied up some of surfaces (that’s just my ocd), but i didn’t do a deep clean of the place. i guess my thinking here was when i arrived there were dirty dishes and cups in the sink, nothing was super super freshly clean, was just a general “lived in” vibe. i put everything in the dishwasher before i left. i did want to empty the bins before i left but they were only half full and he was coming back a few days later so i didn’t want to waste the empty space - so i left that. so, it’s been a few weeks and we’ve been chatting about other stuff, i’d already sent him a message saying thankyou and did you like the beer etc. he messaged me tonight saying “by the way, i think you were very out of place with your gifts. i said i wanted a house gift so your beers were not well received. i think i’m going to buy a mirror and you can transfer me £150”. to me this is insanely presumptuous. for one, i never asked him to stay there, he offered and i said sure, why not. it’s not like i was begging him to stay there. two, expecting me to pay him £150?! to me that’s quite rude considering how close we are. if he ever needed to crash at mine i’d never think to charge him, or expect him to buy me a mirror?! bottle of wine, sure. chocolates and a card, sure. am i the asshole here?

nta

nta it's not really a gift if you are telling the person what you want and forcing them to buy it.

nta. your reply should be, "i considered charging you for house-sitting, but decided to let it slide because we're friends. sorry, my mistake. because we were friends."

1270wtj

aita for hating a certain game after being somewhat ignored?

alright, this might be super stupid but i gotta know if i am the asshole here. about 2 years ago, my friend group start playing league of legends. at the time i did not have a computer that could run the game(yes, my laptop was very old dont sue me) but i saved some money and got myself a small gaming laptop that could play it. now, i might have not been the greatest fan of the game, but i was not totally unintrested. the problem however started in the time between me getting my new laptop, and my friends starting the game, which was around 3 months. in those 3 months, our entire friend group(and one friend in particular) played nothing else anymore and basically got everyone hooked on the game that was willing to join. now im not talking about 1 or 2 hour sessions on the weekend, i am talking about 12 hours a day. he got home, made something to eat, start the game and would not do anything else. during this time, i was pratically sidelined from the friend group, since there was nothing else happening anymore. not on weekends, not during someones vacation, nothing. i was not even able to have a proper conversation with them, because this game needs a certain amount of concentration and coordination, so whenever i tried to strike up a topic i was quickly talked over. i understand that it is hard to concentrate on 2 things at the same time but it still sucked. the only time i got to talk about anything with them anymore was between the games. there were about 5 minutes between rounds. i offered to do something else on the weekends, watch some series or do literally anything else. and while there were the very rare times i got to do something with them, it got less and less witch each passing week. then i got the new laptop and i simply did not want to play the game anymore. it was ruined for me. don´t get me wrong, the game itself was fine. but everytime i was thinking about downloading it i got a weird feeling in my stomache and just delayed it further and further. this is the part where i would probably be the asshole. i wanted to play the game and now i could as well, but something stopped me. i simply couldn´t. things did not get better after that. at one point i started to make some passive aggressive comments about the game, which is not something i usually do. i was also not very friendly anymore in general. at one point i just stopped coming in and took a break with the group and returned a few months later, when they got bored of the game. things are a somewhat better now and i tried to clear the air with a friend which went fine, but i am still very bitter about the whole ordeal. i am also afraid that history could repeats itself, because they recently started talking about the "good times" again and want to try the game out sometime in the future again. maybe i should´ve communicated my problems a bit clearer, but to be honest, i would never behave like they did either. so reddit, am i the asshole here?

nta

i'm between nta and nah. i get the feeling that when you offered to do something else you didn't bring up your concerns on being ignored/left out of the group? but friendship is two way street. maybe you should talk about this with your friends if it is something that bothers you.

nta, never tell anyone to play league of legends, it's a cancer for the brain. avoid it like the plague, that crippling addiction is not worth it. unfortunately, it may be too late for your friends, and you're not really going to be able to stop them. i suggest you try to find new friends who do not play league of legends.

127134n

aita for telling my (20f) grandmother (76f) that it's none of her business?

my grandmother has always been known to be extremely nosy, and she's also been known to talk about people my whole life. i used to talk to my grandma about things that bothered me because we work together, but as she started calling my dad and talking about the things i spoke about, i learned to stop. i knew i couldn't trust her. every single time i tell her i'm going to the doctor, i say i'm going to x doctor. general doctor, neurologist, anything. she knows where all these places are. when i go to therapy however i tell her i'm going to "the doctor" especially in front of other people. i'm not stigmatizing going to therapy, it's just i'm around nosy people and i don't want people knowing my business. she talks badly about my mom and dad, a main reason why i go to therapy, to random people, using what i've told her without using my name. i've learned from being around my grandma to not talk about much to my family since everyone is a blabbermouth. the only people i can trust to not repeat what i say are my boyfriend and therapist. when you see people talk about others, you know to keep your mouth shut. well i haven't been to therapy in like 4 months. i told my grandmother this afternoon i was going to "the doctor." she asked what doctor. i said the doctor. she jokingly asked me if i was pregnant, but you could tell she was getting irritated i wouldn't tell her what doctor. i told her i was actually on my period and i could prove it if she was genuinely asking. halfway through my appointment she calls me and i ignore it. i know she's calling to ask me what "the doctor" said (about why i'm there). i don't answer. she calls back after while i'm on the way home. she asks what the doctor said, i said nothing. she asks again. i told her it was none of her business, and she was extremely insulted. she practically hung up on me. i had to call her back about 20 minutes later over something else, and she hopped right back on the subject. she said that she was not asking me to be nosy, she was asking because if something happened, like a wreck, she wanted to know where i was. she also said if i was injured she needed to know what doctor i went to. i called bs on this mentally because "what did the doctor say?" does not have anything to do with those two situations. she started off those statements by saying "i told \*coworker\* that.." so she already was talking about our disagreement. good way to get someone to tell you their business, right? she is not my emergency contact on anything. also as far as i know, if i was in an accident she would not be the first person called at all. my mom and dad would be, and my dad always picks up. i do tell my parents where i'm going, because i do agree someone needs to know where i am. my boyfriend also has my location. it's just she doesn't need to know because she's nosy as hell. i basically reiterated that it wasn't her business, and she again sounded incredibly offended. aita?

nta

nta. sorry you have to deal with that. she can play mad if it makes her happy, but she's old enough to be aware on some level that she's trying to gaslight you into wondering if you \*should\* tell her things that you absolutely shouldn't.

let me start with an analogy. when you work with classified documents, and you want to talk about them with somebody, there are two necessary criteria. first, does this person have the security clearance appropriate to the document. but that's not enough. second, does this person have a *need to know* what's in it. onto your problem... you're entitled to your privacy. grandmother would like to know details beyond your comfort level (for satisfaction and to gossip about them). the thing is, she has no need to know the details. if fact, she has no need to know as much as you're giving her. "where are you going?" "out." or "errands." that's really all she needs to know. satisfying her curiosity, e.g.: "to the doctor." just makes her want more. if you cut back what you tell her, she has fewer points to pry at. you're nta for telling her it's none of her business, but maybe you should set the boundary even lower. you already know she'll blab about whatever you tell her. she needs to be put on an information diet.

12716dw

aita if i don’t want my roommate to get a dog

my roommate just called me and asked if we could get a dog. i don’t like that pets don’t really care about things so i’d have to be more careful about where i put things and make sure my door is closed. i’m also allergic to dogs and my roommate knows this, and out complex charges out the ass for having a pet. i also don’t want to be responsible for taking care of their animal which i will have to do because they are lazy. so i just said no. now they are thinking of moving out. i’m a push over in a lot of things but in this i am adamant on. so i’m this case, aita?

nta

nta for all the reasons you cite, especially being allergic.

nta. >i’m also allergic to dogs and my roommate knows this why would they ask for a dog if they know you’re allergic to them?

127173v

aita for ignoring my friend's texts after she blew me off?

my friend and i had been talking about going out for weeks. we were both excited to catch up and spend some quality time together. we had made plans to meet at a restaurant at 7 pm on a friday night. i arrived on time and waited for her for half an hour, but she didn't show up. i tried calling her, but she didn't answer. i sent her a text message, but i didn't get a response. i was frustrated and disappointed, but i decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and assumed that something had come up. the next day, i saw on social media that she had gone out with some other friends. i was hurt and angry. i felt like she had disrespected me and wasted my time. so, i decided not to respond to her messages or calls. now, she's texting me non-stop, asking me what's wrong and why i'm not talking to her. she says that she's sorry for missing our plans and that she didn't mean to hurt me. but i'm still upset and don't feel like talking to her. so, aita for ignoring her texts?

nta

nta at all. but, i would honestly respond, saying that your feelings are very hurt that she completely ditched you without notice, and that you need some time away from your friendship. ask her to not contact you again until you are ready.

nta but tell her straight up that she disrespected you, wasted your time, and that you're still upset and need some space. ditching you to hang with different people and not even giving you a courtesy text is really inconsiderate.

1271d66

aita for refusing to give into the cat's demands?

my boyfriend and i recently moved halfway across the country for his job. we've been here for a little less than two weeks. my cat is *struggling*. he's 6 years old and up until this point, had lived his whole life in my old apartment. the drive, the new apartment, the louder city - it's been hard for him and he's been acting out some. he's generally a very sweet, laid back cat. the biggest thing is that with us being in a new time zone, his internal food clock is all messed up and he's been demanding breakfast at 4am by screaming at us. i have refused to cave to this. i am *not* getting him into that habit, it's horrible in the long term and means we'll be up feeding him at 4am for the rest of his life. yeah, it sucks that our sleep is being interrupted but he will adjust soon and we just have to wait it out. my boyfriend has been very short and snappy with me these last few days and is insisting it's my fault that his sleep has been poor because i know how i can make the cat quiet down and thinks i am refusing for "no reason". today he got mad and told me i need to get "my cat" under control before leaving for work and texting me about how selfish and assholeish i'm being over this. &#x200b; edited to add - he does have dry food left out for him overnight but it doesn't solve the problem - he wants his wet food.

nta

nta. you cat will get on the new schedule soon. he will adapt. your bf on the other hand, i would consider rehoming him.

nta. absolutely don’t cave to kitty noises at night unless you suspect something bad has happened. might be worth checking it’s not another issue - yowling/night crying can be a way of expressing other stresses, not just food. make sure the litter box is always clean, ensure that kitty has enough vertical space to climb up and some nice safe snuggly dens. make sure you’re playing with kitty lots, keeping them mentally and physically stimulated. feliway can help some cats, others aren’t too bothered by it. if you’re doing all those and it’s still happening, could be worth a trip to vets to make sure that that he’s not suffering an undiagnosed issue. sometimes night noises can be them expressing they’re not well. i hope that helps. i also hope that your partner works with you on this, it can be stressful for everyone when you’re sleep deprived and it’s tough to work out why it’s happening. good luck! give your cat a scritch from me!

1271neb

aitah for not agreeing with my mom?

im 14 and hispanic.as you can imagine i'm having a sweet 15 soon or a quince. i was always excited for it but slowly my mom has killed my wanting. i picked my theme candy land and all the colors and all that. i'm more on the childish said so i asked if there could be games(since the last quinces i've been to have been so boring) my mom yelled at me and got all upset and angry and told me i wasn't getting one anymore. i simply shrugged and said ok and she called me ungrateful. i knew that if i had my quince i'd be very unsatisfied and unhappy and it would anger her so i'd rather not have all that money spent. later i reconsidered since she said there will be a 360 photo thing and a massive candy bar. she then informed me that she chose things i was meant to, such as my damas and their outfits who was carrying what. i felt upset but didn't say anything. then she tells me that there will be no music since we're christian. i ask her if we could have a dj playing clean music instead and she said no that only christian music or no music at all. that sorta ticked me off a bit i have no problem with christian music but it's my quince at least let me pick some songs. she also got all upset when i didn't want to do a dance to entertain the audience. over all it's stressing me out i don't want one anymore and if i have one i'll let her do whatever she wants then. everytime the topic comes up she gets super angry if i make a suggestion saying that all she got was a cake and that i need to be more grateful. it also doesn't help that i'm her only girl. i feel stuck and like a bad person.

nta

nta- sounds like she is living her 15th birthday through you, as its all about what she wants to do. and what no pinata?

nta your mom needs to let you decide what you want regardless of religion or tradition. a quince should be fun. you only get one in your whole life. you aren’t ungrateful you just have different opinions.

1271pid

aita for wanting to put my mil in a home?

i just want to ask this to see what everybody else says before i talk to my husband. my mil is almost 80 and has a ton of health problems. some of these include diabetes, heart failure, and artharitis in her lower body. my mil never got more than an elementary school education and doesn't want one. well now her health is going downhill really fast. to add more complications to the mix her hygiene is horrible. she has been hospitalized twice this month and i am expected to drop everything to run to her rescue despite having a five and fifteen year old to take care of. she wont wipe herself after using the bathroom, take a shower, or wear clean clothes. her clothes are always stained with blood (from picking at her skin) and feces. i am worried that this will lead to a seriously bad infection. she wont let anybody help her clean herself (including nurses and medical personnel) and doesnt see anything wrong with the way she is. i suspect that she may also suffer from dementia. i want to talk to my husband about putting her in a home for her own good and so she has access to the medical help she needs. so my question is am i the ahole for suggesting this and any advice on how to bring this up? btw i actually love my mil and am only trying to look out for her best interest and her health losing her will devastate our whole family.

nta

nta, she should definitely be evaluated by a geriatric professional. assisted living/nursing home seems like the right idea, but let the professionals make a recommendation. also, your husband (and his siblings, if any) should be taking the lead on this.

since both your post & your replies to other comments have made it apparent that you have your mil's best interest at heart, i'm voting nta. my apologies for the long reply. now, as a retired cna, i have a few suggestions: 1. be very selective. not all assisted living homes are bad, but most are only of average decency. it is a very lucky thing indeed to find an excellent home. visit them, and spend time getting to know other residents (on a volunteer basis if need be). 2. make sure they are sanitary. when entering a less than quality assisted living environment, most people who care about their loved one can "smell" (for lack of a better word) death in the air. 3. talk to the staff. learn the average staff to patient ratio. discuss how satisfying they feel like their job is. the better the environment = the happier staff is. 4. most *importantly*, pick an assisted living facility close enough that family can visit very often. however, randomly time your visits so that you do not become predictable. frequent & unpredictable visits give your loved one the best chance of getting higher quality care in case you are unable to find a top-quality place. facilities don't want bad reviews or families making complaints that cause extra state inspections. 5. if possible, be willing to pay the extra fees so that your mil can have a landline phone & cable t.v. service in her room. this way, she has access to entertainment in the privacy of her room & the ability to call family members without worrying about remembering to charge a cell phone or it getting lost/stolen. hope this helps.

1271q27

aita for spending time with my girlfriend instead of going to a fraternity event?

so i (19m) am a member of a fraternity at my university. (i will not name the university or fraternity for confidentiality. the fraternity had a bonding event for our pledges yesterday evening. our president, josh (21m) told us at our weekly meeting that pledges were required to attend, while it was optional for brothers. since i have been initiated at the end of last semester i fell into the latter category. before y'all give me flack for calling them pledges, we do not haze in any way. i experienced absolutely no hazing nor did any of the other members of my pledge class. my girlfriend, maddie (19f) has been out of town for the last few weeks due to some family issues. maddie came back into town yesterday morning, so i picked her up from the airport, helped her unpack, etc, and i decided i was going to take maddie to a nice dinner, and a movie night instead of going to the event, since she has been under so much stress lately, and i missed her while she was away. now don't get me wrong, maddie and i both love everyone in the fraternity, and both hang out there every weekend, and attend every event, but this was an event that we were not allowed a plus one, and i really just wanted to spend time with my girlfriend. i notified the guys through our primary event group chat that i would not be attending and received no response, so i just pushed it off, and at 5 pm (the same time the event started) maddie and i left campus for dinner. we had a wonderful evening and spent the night together. this morning i woke up to a phone call from our standards chair, james (20m) (basically the guy that keeps us all in line) requesting a meeting with me. i accepted and walked over to our house. when i got to the meeting james asked me why i did not come to the event. i told him the truth, and that since it was not required for brothers, i wanted to spend time with maddie, since she had been out of town for several weeks. james told me that he himself saw no issue with this, but that the other brothers (who do not hold officer positions) took issue with this fact. none of the officers are bothered by me not attending since i told them all to not expect me, but the fraternity is split between those who are angry about me not being there and those who understand and are on my side. the main reason they give for being upset is that my littles (pledges assigned to a mentorship role with a brother) were required to attend but i have contacted both of my mentees and neither one of them is upset. so reddit, aita?

nta

nta i get why they'd want you to be there, but its a frat. your priorities should be: family/gf > schooling > frat.

nta and i would just let it go. don’t even mention it or think about it unless forced.

1271sur

aita for being "ungrateful" on my birthday?

today is my birthday, and my (16f) mom (45f) came back from a business trip this afternoon. almost every year, we go to dave and busters or some arcade for my birthday, much to mom's dismay. (she likes more classy things like orchestras or fancy restaurants). a few days ago, there was a fight at the dinner table because she was complaining about how "we always go to dave & buster's! can't we have some variety? don't you guys want to experience something great?" i wasn't leaning toward anything too much, so i didn't mind not going. after the fight between her and my stepdad, we were unsure what to do, so we decided to wait til she gets back (today) to ask her about it. when she came back today, i asked her what we should do for tonight, and she said "we should go to a fancy restaurant." and i got a little annoyed, because it was obvious it was what she wanted to do. so i said "why do you always suggest something you want to do?" in annoyance, and she replied by "then we can go to some orchestra or violin/piano concert/symphony." this made me even more annoyed because i thought she would know how much i disliked symphonies after the times i've complained about going to them. the cherry on the top was when she said "i bought chocolate at the airport for your birthday." this might be controversial but i've made it clear chocolate is one of my least favorite foods, so i blew up at her a little, saying "why do you never know what i like! i don't even care about the stuff but it's like you don't even know me!" to which she became furious at and started yelling that she was tired from her business trip and i had asked her for suggestions on places to go, so she gave them to me. i feel like i was the asshole for complaining about a gift (when she had good intentions) and causing drama after her business trip. but at the same time i just felt so sad and angry that she barely knew me, and any interests of mine and considered not good enough in her eyes. i then went to my room and i can now hear her loudly complaining to my stepdad about me and the whole scenario, from her point of view. since i know i can't go out and defend myself because it will just cause another argument, i'm here on reddit to ask—am i the asshole? and if i was, what can i do to fix it?

nta

honey you are so very nta. your mom is making your birthday about herself. you always go to dave and buster’s?? does she mean that you always go on your birthday- once a year??!! she is right to encourage culture in your life, but dead wrong to guilt you about where you want to eat dinner on your own birthday.

nta. as a dad of a kid who enjoyed many things i did not, i happily took them and did what they wanted...because seeing them happy was all i really wanted. if your mom is too selfish to do that then she is the ah and needs to do better.

1271x7h

aita for insisting my bf take the motorcycle safety course if he wants to ride the bike i plan to buy

i 38f and my bf 40m are currently arguing because i insisted if he wants to ride the motorcycle i plan to purchase he will need to take the motorcycle safety course. background info we’ve been together for five years and in that time i have talked a lot about how i miss having a motorcycle and how the one regret i have was selling my 500 ninja without plans to get a new bike. before the world went to hell in a hand basket i was even making plans for taking the motorcycle safety course because it’s been a long time since i’ve ridden it would be a good refresher and it’ll help with insurance. i asked at that time if he wanted to join and he said no which is entirely his choice. now i am back in a place where i can afford a bike and we’re in an area that is better for riding so i’m back on the get a bike train. i ordered some gear that arrived today and he asked what was in the boxes so i told him and that i was planning on taking the safety course in may and getting a bike. que questions about which bike and then if it would be a bike that he could fit. he has his motorcycle license but has never ridden on the road and has not ridden since we have been together and while he is a safe driver riding a motorcycle out on the road is very different. so i thought now is a good time to cover boundaries with regards to the bike before i get it and he wants to ride so i said if he wanted to ride my bike he would need to take the safety course. now he’s pissed at me telling me i’m being rude and acting like an a-hole and that i’m making him jump through hoops. my side is he’s an adult and if he doesn’t want to take the course that’s fine but he’s not entitled to my bike. riding is dangerous and i’m taking all of the safety precautions that i can and i expect him to as well if he wants to ride the motorcycle i buy.

nta

not only is this a very sensible requirement, but i would be inclined to *never* let someone ride my bike who thinks a safety course is beneath them, just on principle. because that is not the attitude of someone who is going to be safe on a bike regardless, even if he does the course because you make him. he's *never* ridden on the road and he thinks no one can tell him anything about safety? man's gonna find himself losing some skin to the asphalt, at very best. nta

nta. it's perfectly reasonable for you to ask him to take the course if he wants to ride your bike, because you're applying the same rules to yourself! you're taking the refresher before you get back to riding. he can get over himself.

12720ft

aita for saying no to going out with friends

i haven't posted in 6 months, so i'm hoping this post doesn't get taken down. so, for context, i 16 male (trans male) got asked by my best friend if i'd like to see the new john wick movie with her and her boyfriend because her other friend said no, and i turned down the offer politely saying that i don't like movies like that. when i told her this, she got a bit annoyed in her tone of voice and explained that i don't know that because i've never seen the movie, so in reply i told her she explained it to be and so do others but i wished her to have fun when she goes and she aggressively told me that she can't go because i'm not going, which she has strict parents that wouldn't let her go alone with a boy, which i did know this but i didn't like how she was acting towards me so i asked if she was mad at me and she goes "no i'm just irritated" which i told her that i understand the disappointment but i was curious if i was why and she was like "well ya you're the reason" and continues to tell me that her and her friends planned this but they weren't able to go so i was her last hope pretty much to be able to hang out with her boyfriend and that she wouldn't have asked me if someone else went because she knew i wouldn't like the movie and when i got upset at her she said she's leaving and hasn't talked to me since. another thing to keep in mind is that she's already watched this movie and is using me to be able to watch it with her boyfriend.

nta

nta. the subject of your post should be “a i t a for saying no to being used”. you’re supposed to be their friend, not their chaperone. your best friend isn’t treating you that well and they’re getting what they deserve. you did the right thing standing up by yourself. good job

nta. it's ok to not want to go out to a movie. your "friend" wasn't using it as a way to spend time with you, she had her own agenda. she wanted you as a chaperone, but she wasn't giving you something in return (such as a movie you wanted to see). there's likely a good reason her other friends also said no.

1272ctk

aita for buying doordash only for me?

i (22f) buy doordash or ubereats sometimes and i still live with my family and i’m still in college i’m living here cause it’s better for me to do so while getting my degree. i work part time and try to give my mom as much money as i can for bills and such. (this is a separate issue that i may talk about another time) but anyway sometimes when i don’t feel like cooking or like hearing her mouth about people cooking in her kitchen and not cleaning up after themselves (this is my brother (28) doing that shit and i refuse to clean after him) and whatever. but anyway when i do buy doordash she complains and just says i’ll get fatter than i already am. which i think is fucked up but i’m used to her comments like that. i just don’t understand how me buying myself doordash is selfish and such because i have a younger sister and a nephew that live here too. and she always says i should buy them food? and like i will once in a while but it’s not my responsibility to feed them. and when i tell her this she says it’s not her responsibility to feed me which i completely agree with!! however she does recieve food stamps for me soooo…idk i guess i just want a second opinion?

nta

" i just don’t understand how me buying myself doordash is selfish and such because i have a younger sister and a nephew that live here too. " by very definition it is "selfish" because other people live there and you are only thinking of yourself. however, it is your money and you're entitled to use it how you like so nta. i would double check on that food stamp thing. usually children get cut off at 22.

wait... she gets food stamps in your name? does she spend them on herself and others? does she also get stamps for the other people in the house? nta she sounds truly terrible. calling you names, berating you for cooking in her kitchen, yelling at you when you order food for yourself... it sounds like she just wants to verbally abuse you whenever she feels like it. hang in there. get out when you can.

1272mbp

aita for not wanting to host my in-laws?

my husband (43m) and i (38f) both work full-time and have 2 young children (8 & 3). my fil has a milestone birthday coming up in july (70!) and recently my husband and his extended family have been discussing the possibility of a party for him via group text. my husband’s extended family lives on the west coast and i like spending time with them when they visit (we live on the east coast). his family always stays with us when they visit. 3 years ago we moved to a larger house so space wise it makes sense for them to stay with us as well. a little back story: two years ago we hosted a family reunion at our home for my husband’s side of the family. it was a decent sized party in our backyard (50-60 people) and we also hosted 5 of his extended family in our home (with pandemic precautions as much as possible). i handled most of the party planning (food, tent, drinks, etc), and cooked for those staying with us. it was a lot of work especially with hosting people in our home, the party, and our regular household stuff. i also note here that i have a big family too and they also visit/ stay with us for a week or so once a year (2-4 people at a time). anyway, my in laws looking to do something similar for fil’s birthday. husband was discussing with his family and essentially 7 people including an infant may be staying with us for 4-5 days. we’ll also be hosting the party because it’s july and we have a pool. the plans haven’t been finalized yet, and husband asked me if i was okay with his family staying with us. i told him i was open to it, but wanted to point out that it would be a lot of work that would fall squarely on us to manage. i asked if it would be possible for one of the groups (1- a couple and their adult child, 2 - single adult 3- a couple and their 1 year old) could stay with someone else to lessen the load on us (his dad, his brother and an uncle live 30- 45min from us and all would be willing) because we are also hosting the party. my husband was really upset because he didn’t want to tell his family that some of them would need to stay somewhere else. he said i was being un-welcoming and that instead of forcing his family to choose among themselves who was going to stay with us he was going to go back to the group claiming i had a work trip scheduled (i don’t) or some other excuse with my new job to cancel the entire trip. i never said they couldn’t stay, just that 7 people was a lot to host in addition to the party. honestly i’m just tired thinking about taking on all of the hosting duties. we’ve had a lot going on recently and while i’d love to spend time with his family i’d also love to spread hosting duties around to other family members too. aita for not wanting to have that many people stay with us?

nta

nta. so instead of him taking on hosting, his solution is to cancel the whole thing and blame it on you?

nta 7 people is a lot to host. if they're going to help out a lot and not put the entire weight on you and your husband (or mostly you) this is different. but realistically its gonna be a lot of work for 5 days. having one of the groups to stay with someone else who lives not too far away shouldnt be a big deal.

1272nsa

aita for telling my brothers he’s eating too much?

my brother,(11) (150 lb) is a very great kid and has a lot of respect for other people. lately he has been coming into the kitchen and grabbing sodas out of the fridge, at first i didn’t mind until i caught him making a sandwich at 2:00 am. i asked him what he was doing and he said he was making a sandwich and i told him that if he keeps eating as much he is right now it might be unhealthy. after that the next day i saw him eating a bunch of things from the house and candy. so i told him that he’s going to hurt himself if he keeps going like this and he called me a bully and a fat-shamer i told him that i love him but that he’s eating way out of proportion and he went to his room and hasn’t talked to me since. i feel like i was being really rude towards and would like to know if i was being an a-hole.

yta

yta 1. if you have genuine concern for your brother’s health, speak to your parents privately and let them decide what to do. you are not his parent and your comments on his eating will be seen by him as fat-shaming or food-shaming...which is also not healthy. 2. your brother may be preparing for a growth spurt—lots of kids around his age experience an increase in appetite and get chunky. (one of mine would ‘stock up’ by out-eating their very tall, big dad, and then suddenly their pants would all be too short and their legs would hurt from growing. if you’re really interested, you can read up on the wide range of norms in adolescent growth and appetite.) a doctor can assess if that’s what’s going on, but you can’t. 3. you can always invite your kid brother to come do active things with you.

yta the kid is 11 he is growing. you neglected to put in his height or physical activity level. so… it sounds like you are fat shaming a growing child imo. my brother was chunky from about 11 till 14, then he grew 6 inches in about 4 weeks (seriously over summer vacation) and was fit the rest of high school and until he was in his mid/late 20’s and his metabolism started to slow down.

1272o6q

aita? wife wants to invite her parents to stay with us for 6 months. i am not ok with this.

we have been happily married for 7 years, with a 4 year old daughter. we rarely have disagreements, much less major arguments. she was born and raised in china, moved to the us in 2011, naturalized, and has no intention or desire to return. her family, including her parents, live in china. she is currently a stay at home mom. i was born in japan but was raised in the us. i am the family breadwinner and handle all our finances, etc. when our daughter was born, my wife's parents stayed with us for a whole year. i had apprehension about this. but we had a new baby, my wife was still working, and i didn't want them to feel unappreciated. they are objectively not bad people. they love our daughter and were helpful in supporting my wife. but there is a huge cultural and language divide that i'm not sure can be overcome. i realize it's normal in many other cultures for the inlaws/parents to basically live with the family and grandchildren. but this certainly wasn't the case with me. my in-laws have been to the us all of 3 times. they don't speak english. they are not really aware of western social boundaries and norms. they are of also the age where they aren't really interested in learning these norms. we live in an outer suburb that is not accessible by any other way than private vehicle, so they are essentially housebound the entire time they are here. when they came to stay with us the first time, i was initially happy to have them. but after a few months, that happiness started to turn into near resentment. we had no privacy. they had behaviors that to them were maybe normal/innocent, but i found bothersome/disrespectful. due to language, i was unable to directly communicate and ask them to change their behavior. the same coming from my wife was not effective due to cultural norms and, "we're your parents, we raised you, so you don't really get to tell us what to do." this placed an emotional and relational divide between me and my wife. i was also the "fng" at work and working harder and longer than i am now. i started to dread going home. i stayed at work long after my shifts had finished. it was the only way i could get away to have time for myself. i became more withdrawn, and it was obvious. i felt trapped. i genuinely feared for our marriage at one point. fast forward 4 years later. she wants to invite them over so they can spend time with our daughter. i am not opposed to this. she wants them to come for 6 months. i would be ok with maybe 2 or 3. she keeps coming up with reasons why it has to be 6. i am simply not ok with this, especially how it affected our relationship last time. i also don't want our daughter to see me like i was 4 years ago. once again i feel like what i think doesn't matter. and if i don't go along, then it's because i don't like my inlaws, or i don't want them to spend time with our daughter. neither of which are the case. aita here?

nta

nta. a stay over that long needs both parties to buy in. you shouldn't feel trapped at work because you don't want to go home. two months is plenty. one month would be plenty. btw, the bigger issue brewing here is that eventually she is going to want them to stay forever.

nta. repeat to your wife everything you’ve stated here. you are not being unreasonable. you and your wife should be able to compromise. 2-3 months seems very fair. honestly, i wouldn’t be able to have my in-laws stay for longer than a week!

1272oh4

aita for asking for more money for my car?

so, i (28 m) offered to sell my rav4 that has 100,000 miles on it in january to my brother and his wife. they have a baby and a beat up honda civic as well as a scion with way too many miles on it. they shared they’d be car hunting this year. i offered to sell it to them for what carvana offered (which was $14,500) and they agreed to it right away. the problem was that my wife and i still hadn’t picked out our replacement car. so, they’d check in every week or so but we weren’t ready. in the end, we decided to hold onto the car until our trip to disney this past week. i checked carvana again and they offered me more. this time $16,500. i texted my brother telling him he could have it but he would need to match carvana’s new offer. he responded saying that they’re not haggling and they’ve been putting off buying a car for months because they thought we had an agreement and were just waiting on us. they called me an ah for stringing them along for 3 months and then asking for $2000 more. i’m just trying to do what is right by my two kids and one on the way. aita?

yta

"i’m just trying to do what is right by my two kids and one on the way." and to hell with my brother, his wife, and their baby. yta.

yta. you offered a specific price and they agreed and were waiting on you. that’s a terrible thing to do to your family. you just did a trip to disney so it’s not like that extra $2000 was going to be the difference between your family being homeless or starving to death, so get that ”trying to do right by my two kids” garbage outta here if the roles had been reversed and the car lost value, would you want them to do the same? would you want them to be “oh sorry i know you were counting on that extra $2k we agreed to for your new car, but we’re going back on that because carvana would buy it for less?” it would be pretty douchey right? go apologize and ask for a check for $14,000, call that extra $500 off a “sorry for being an awful brother” tax

1272wp6

aita for wanting my own bank card?

just a little backstory to this since i was just having a conversation with my gf about this and she thought it sounded strange, so, basically my mam 44f won’t let me 18f have my bank card or have access to my own bank account, i made the account when i was 16, and haven’t had access to it at all, i’ll be 19 this year, i don’t have a job but i do get a disability allowance since i have autism/adhd and severe anxiety, i have asked many times could i have said bank card and access to my bank details, but every time i ask, my mam says no, my girlfriend 19f said to me earlier that she thinks it may be some form of financial abuse, and is suggesting we go to the bank and say the card is stolen, but i’m not sure if that’s the best idea because it would cause a lot of issues at home, i only get half of what my disability allowance is every week, and just over half of that goes to paying for my loan horse (and a few psychologists/therapists have said that he helps my mental health a lot hence why i loan him) i understand if some of the money i get would be to go towards food/rent etc, i just don’t understand why i can’t have access to it myself, every time i have asked for my bank card/access to my bank account it’s turned into my mam and i having a massive argument, i have no idea what the other half of my disability allowance is being used for, sorry if there’s any formatting issues since i’m typing this on my phone, i just honestly don’t know what to do and i had no idea it was something bad, i just thought it was just my mam being weird, anyway, thank you for reading, any advice would be greatly appreciated

nta

you're over 18; you're an adult and have every right to have full oversight of your finances. nta - whether your mother is funding herself a bit from your disability allowance, or simply being excessively controlling, as mentioned - you are an adult now and she has no right to do that.

nta. you're an adult and these disability payments are going to you, not your mother. what she is doing is illegal. maybe she's claiming it as rent and food or something, but still not letting you control it is financial abuse of you. she shouldn't even have access to your account or your disability payments - the government would be interested to know this is going on (and not in a way that works out well for your mother). so this is ultimately your threat - if she doesn't relinquish control, you can report her.

12731ep

aita for wanting to control my wife spending

hello, first of all apologize for grammar, i am not native english speaker. here goes: i (m 42) work from home, i make about 7k-10k € per month after taxes, she (f 35) is a stay at home mom, we live with her 3 kids and a 1 year old baby of our own. i pay for everything, mortgage, food, bills, school, clothes, etc. i also gave her a debit card which she uses mostly for her personal stuff. this card had an initial limit of 700€ monthly, but with each passing month i need to add more money to the account because those 700€ arent enough for her and ends up spending over 1200€. this is like a full month salary here where we live. most of it she spends on clothes for her, accesories for her, less so in clothes for the kids and me. ocassionally a small amount grocieres spend. sometimes she withdraws 100€ from atm which goes unaccounted. i sometimes spend on stuff for me but at most its 200€ / month. she is mad of why there should be a limit to her card, because sometimes close to the end of the month the store rejects the card due to reaching this limit, she knowing whats the monthly limit is. i often say that money is not infinite and iam afraid that raising the limit will also raise the spending, entering in a neverending issue. she buys brand clothes which she rarely wears or just one-time, many clothes are still with the store ticket, which means she never wore them. i tried to talk to her many times, but always end up in an argument, her argument is that she can't get a job due to the kids responsability, she says she financially slave, she does all the house chores and she deserves to spend what she wants. &#x200b; she complaints that she wishes that she has a job so that she would financially independent. i believe she uses that as a leverage for making me feel guilty of limiting the card. but i told her that she can get a job if she wants to. the thing is that her getting a job, she wont be able to spend that much, because i think would be unfair for me to spend for everything and she gets to use her wage to do what she wants unnaccounted. if she gets a job, then i would need to get a housekeeper to take care of kids, since even if i stay home i need time to work. then i would ask her to use her salary to buy for her personal clothes and her kids clothes, including her kid soccer practices which i am currently paying.

nta

nta her spending 1200 pounds per month\* on *herself* is excessive, even for your very high salary. to me, sounds like she's really not financially responsible, and just wants money to blow and you're not enabling her to go waste a ton of money just because you make good money.

nta. and i feel i may be downvoted for my comment, but here it goes… she’s using you my dude. it sounds very much like she just wants the money. yes you have a child together, but i’ve read of many instances that sound similar to yours. having a child together can work as leverage. i’m sorry that this is something that you’re having to deal with, and if you truly love this woman, and she loves you, this is a serious focus that may be better aimed at a therapist or someone along those lines.