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Peanut Jar Mixers Development 12

Scene Description: South Park, woods, night. Six boys look at a tree stump surrounded by litter. They are Jimmy, Token, Craig, Clyde, Kyle, and Cartman. Kyle is carrying a black trash bag. On the stump is a marijuana joint and some paper. Kyle: [thrusts the bag at Clyde] Throw it away, Clyde! Clyde: I'm not gonna touch it. You throw it away. Stan: [arriving] What's going on? Kyle: [points at the joint] Some high schoolers left their marijuana cigarette behind. Uh we have to throw it away before some kids find it or something. Stan: So throw it away. Clyde: Nobody wants to touch it. Kyle: What if the residue gets on our hands and it leads to harder drugs like those commercials say? Craig: Yeah, didn't you see that commercial where it says that if you have pot you could become a terrorist? Clyde: And the commercial where the two kids have pot and the one kids shoots the other. Harmless? Stan: You guys, those commercials are just exaggerations. Token: How do you know? None of us had ever had any drugs before. Jimmy: Well, I did Ecstasy once. [the other boys look at him] Me and my girlfriend took it and we stayed up all night having... sex. [the other boys just stare] Kyle: ...Where did you have sex with her? Jimmy: In her... va-vagina. [smiles, but the other boys remain silent] Thank you, thank you. What a terrific audience. Stan: [annoyed at his friends' skittishness] It's just a stupid plant that makes you dumb. Touching it won't hurt you. Cartman: [takes the bag from Kyle and offers it to Stan] Then you throw it away, smartass. [Stan walked into that one] Stan: Fine, I will. [takes the bag and walks over to the stump, faces the boys, and tosses the joint into the bag] There, see? I touched marijuana. I'm not a terrorist, I didn't shoot anybody, and I don't feel like doing more drugs now. No big deal. Scene Description: South Park, night. To the sound of dramatic music, lightning relentlessly flashes all over town. Stan's house is shown as lightning strikes it. In the living room Stan watches "The Osbournes" with his grandfather. Ozzy is shown in his living room talking to his kids. Ozzy: You kids fucking don't fuck around with your fucking mom! Jack: Dad, we fucking can't! It's a big flick a fuck! Sharon: [enters scolding] Stan, what did I tell you about watching The Osbournes? Stan: Aw, come on, Mom. Sharon: It's going to make you retarded! [starts flipping channels, then settles on a news report, then walks away] Stan: It's just a show! It doesn't have any fucking effect on me, for fuck's sake! Grandpa Marvin: Oh goody. Now we can watch the news. Tom: In other news, South Park police are still looking for a craaazy man who terrorized the town one hour ago. [a silhouette of a man running is behind the words "CRAZY MAN" and a question mark is on the silhouette] The man claimed to be from the future and ran naked through the city streets screaming "The past! The past! Oh my God, it's the past!" Which is what one would expect someone from the future to yell. [a knock is heard on the front door, Sharon goes to answer it. Before her stands a disheveled man with long brown hair and stubbly beard. He's wrapped in a large towel and wears a blue cap with red piping and puff, like Stan does] Naked Man: [slurring his voice] Oh my God, it's the past! [looks at Sharon] Oh, whoa man, it's you! Sharon: Who are you? Naked Man: It's me, Mom, your son Stan. [Sharon looks shocked, and the camera zooms in on that. Behind her, still watching TV, are Stan and Marvin. Stan looks over] Randy: [joining Sharon at the door] Who is it, Sharon? Naked Man: Dad! Randy: Dad?? Look! We don't know you and you don't know us! Just go away before we call the police! Stan: [rises from the sofa and walks over] Who the fuck is it, Mom and Dad? Naked Man: No way, it's me from the past! [looks quite relieved] Stan: I'm me from the past? Future Stan: [genuflects to Stan, who leans back a bit] No, I'm you from the future! [rises, and Randy helps him up] Oh man, this is so messed up. Randy: [pushing the man out the door] Okay, we've had enough! Future Stan: Your name's Randy Marsh, you're a geologist, and you don't like chicken. Mom, your maiden name is Kimble and you have a scar on your left knee from when you slipped in the swimming pool. Sharon: [in hushed tones] Randy, what's going on? Randy: [in hushed tones] I don't know. Future Stan: Dude, just let me talk to you for like, five minutes. After that I'll bail. Scene Description: The Marsh dining room. The naked man is now dressed in street clothes and seated at the head of the table. He's enjoying a beer and regular cigarette. The others look dazed and confused at the man as he recounts his memories. Future Stan: I can still remember when I was five and you both found that squirrel I'd been keeping in the closet and, you let me keep it for another week and then it ran away but... I know that's just what you told me. I know that Mom had actually let it out. Randy: How could he possibly know all that unless... he is our son from the future. Sharon: But why are you back in this time with us, son? Future Stan: I have no idea, man. I was just about to go asleep in an alley behind the crackhouse, [Stan is aghast at what he would become] and I shot up a little heroin, and then this electrical storm started. Next thing I knew I was running around in my own past, man. I thought... I was just tripping, but then I came down and I was still here. Oh, dude, it's so bizarre! Stan: Oh dude, I should have never touched that marijuana! Randy: [laying hands on the man's shoulder] Stan, whatever's happened, we going to help you. Sharon: [reaching out] That's right. We're a family no matter what time shift. Future Stan: Thanks. Can I get another beer? Sharon: You must be exhausted. Why don't you get some sleep? Future Stan: That'd be killer. Where can I crash? Sharon: Well I'm sure Stan wouldn't mind sharing his room, would you, Stan? Stan: What?? I have to share my room with my future self?? Oh no! [squeezes his eyes shut and buries them in his right hand] Singer: Here we are, face to face, "My Future Self -n- Me" [Stan and Future Stan stroll down a road. Future Stan has a beer] Stan: [right at the camera] Stop it. Singer: So much alike, and yet so different Stan: [Stan's future self joins him in bed after freshening up in the bathroom] No. Singer: One of them's messy, the other one's clean! [Stan's future self turns off the light while Stan looks pissed off] Gettin' along isn't always easy, sometimes we disagree [Stan's future self brushes his teeth as Stan stands next to him, avoiding him. Future Stan spits his frothy toothpaste into the sink] Stan: Quit it. Singer: But in the end we know we're good for each other [both Stans eat cereal, but the future Stan has trouble pouring milk into his bowl. It splashes out of the bowl along with some cereal. Stan just buries his face in his hands in frustration] Two peas in a pod, Future Self -n- MeFuture Self -n- Me, Future Self -n- [Now they have separate beds. Stan turns the light off and tries to sleep. Future Stan reaches over to turn it on. Stan moves to turn it off, and they fight over the switch until one of them sleeps] Me Scene Description: Bus stop, next day. Stan arrives with future Stan. Stan: Hey guys. Kyle, Cartman: Hey. Future Stan: Whoa, Kyle and Cartman! It's so cool to see you guys. Cartman: Who's this asshole? Stan: This is my future self. He came during the electrical storm last night and is caught in a time matrix. He's me when I'm 32. Kyle: Wow. That's pretty cool. Cartman: Then how does he know our names? Kyle: 'Cause, r-tard, he's Stan from the future. He knows everything Stan knows. Cartman: Ohhh. Wait. Stan becomes this douchebag? Future Stan: Yeah, I spent a lot of my teenage years on a slow downward spiral experimenting with drugs and alcohol. [Cartman has a hearty laugh] Stan: Shut up, Cartman! Cartman: That is so awesome!! Thank you God! [bows deeply] Oh praise God! Kyle: Hey, what happens to me in the future? Future Stan: Oh, I don't know. You guys stayed away from drugs, so you're okay. I just lost touch with you after I was sent to Juvi Hall in 2006. Cartman: [pats Stan on the back] Juvi Hall! [laughs heartily, then gloats] Stan's a loser! Stan's a loser! [laughs heartily] Stan: [under his breath] God-damnit! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, after school, Garrison's classroom. Stan and Butters are seated next to each other, and there are no other kids around. Stan: Thanks for staying after school and tutoring me, Butters. Butters: Uh well, sure thing, Stan. Eh, how come you care about schoolwork all of a sudden? Stan: I told you, I can't stand my future self. I have to do whatever I can to not become a loser like him. Butters: Well, studying is the golden key to the imposing door of success. Stan: I just can't stand having my future self around all the time! It's driving me crazy! [gets off his seat and starts pacing the floor] Maybe if I get smarter I won't become him and I won't have to share my room! Butters: I know what you mean. I hate having my future self around, too. Stan: Yeah, it's like everything I do, he... [stops and then looks at Butters] Wait a minute, what'd you say? Butters: I said, I know how you feel. My life has gone completely downhill ever since my future self moved in. I hate him! All he ever wants to do is watch Becker. And that show is so stupid. [Stan is surprised by this account] Stan: [after a moment] Dude, how long has your future self been around? Butters: Oh. I guess it's been about four months now. Stan: Four months?? And you never told anybody that you were living with yourself from the future?? Butters: Nobody asked. Stan: Where is he now? Butters: Probably watching Becker. Scene Description: Butters' house, afternoon. A future Butters is watching TV and eating chips at the sofa. Becker: My name is T. Becker. The T stand for Terrific. [laughs. Future Butters finds this quite funny. Stan and Butters enter the house to meet future Butters.] Butters: See, here he is. Future Butters. Future self, this is my good friend,- Future Butters: Stan! Sure I remember you. Yep. Wearing that puff-ball hat like always. Linda: [walks in with a plate holding a glass of water and a bottle] Oh, hello boys. Future Butters, it's time to take your liver medicine. Stan: Liver medicine? Butters: Yeah. My future self has a bad kidney from all the drinkin' he did in high school. [an air of determination appears] I need to learn to behave myself! [Stan crosses his arms and gets mad, then bolts for the door] Hey! Where are you going, Stan? [follows Stan out.] Scene Description: Stan's house, moments later. Stan rushes into his room with Butters in tow. Stan: Alright, where is that son-of-a-bitch's wallet?! Butters: Wha-, what are you lookin' for, huh Stan? Stan: Butters, don't you think it's a little bit of a coincidence that both your future self and my future self got caught in a mexterdexed time plane? [starts rifling through future Stan's clothes] Butters: Well we both got the same teacher for homeroom, too, but you didn't say anything then. Stan: Here it is. [pulls out a wallet and reads the license. It's from the future, with LOSER printed in large letters on it and an expiration date of 10-19-2043] It has to be something eh... Wait, what's this? [pulls out a Motivation Corp. key card, expiring on 12/26/02] This expires in two thousand two. Why would he have this in his wallet? Butters: I don't follow. Stan: [flips the card over to see the info on the other side] Three four five one Colfax Avenue. Come on, Butters. [heads out the door.] Butters: [excitedly] Oh! Are we out for an adventure? [follows Stan out] Scene Description: Denver, night. A bus drives up to a curb on the seedy street, then takes off. Stan and Butters walk down the street. Stan: Here it is. Motivation Corp. [the camera pans up to show the name of the building. Stan puts the card into the reader next to the door. The door opens and Stan heads in.] Butters: [turns away. Stan stops right at the entrance] I don't think we're supposed to go in there, Stan. Maybe we should go adventurin' somewhere else. Stan: [walks up to Butters] Butters, part of being on an adventure is you go places you're not supposed to go. [heads in] Butters: Oh. Well, you're good at adventurin', huh Stan? [follows Stan in and closes the door.] Scene Description: Motivation Corp., interior. Stan and Butters look down a long hallway. Stan notices a window and looks in. Several workers are at their computers matching kids up with actors who are to portray their futures selves. Stan: What the hell is going on here? A Voice: It should take about a month to achieve the results you want. [Stan hears the voice and pulls Butters behind some bushes underneath the window. Stan peeks out over the bushes. The director appears with a couple ] Well, Mr. and Mrs. Brooks, I think you're going to be very pleased with the results. Mr. Brooks: We sure hope so. We just don't know how to talk to our son about drugs. Director: Well now you won't have to! Ah, here he is. This is Josh Casher. He'll be playing the role of your future son. Josh: Nice to meet you, "Mom and Dad." [they all laugh heartily] Mrs. Brooks: My goodness, he does look a little like Kevin. Director: Yes, and he knows all your family history and every detail of your house. And he's worked up quite a future for your son. Josh: I'm going to tell him that I dropped out of school and went to prison for eight years, where I was sodomized. In the ass. Mrs. Brooks: Woohoo, that should get Kevin to stay clear of drugs. Mr. Brooks: Heh it sure should, heh. Director: Alright, so we'll put the fake news report out on Tuesday night. Make sure your son is watching the Channel 4 News. Mr. Brooks: Oh, and that's when uh you'll fake the electrical storm as well? Director: Motivation Corp. takes care of everything. [hands out some stapled sheets of paper] Just follow these simple scripts when your actor arrives. Mrs. Brooks: [reads from her script] "Listen to me, you crazy person, there's no way you can be from the future." Oh this is going to be fun. Scene Description: Motivation Corp., interior. Stan hurries out of there with Butters close behind. Stan: I can't believe it! It's all a scam! Butters: Yeah, I can't believe it! Stan: They've all been lying to us this whole time! Butters: This whole time! I wonder if my future self knows anything about this? [thinks about this a minute. Stan lowers his eyelids to half-closed as he realizes Butters is still clueless] Hey, maybe my future self remembers this happening, a-and can shed some light on this subject. Stan: [closes his eyes a bit, then] Butters, don't you get it?! Those assholes aren't our future selves! Our parents hired them to make us more motivated! Butters: Eh, but then why did they come back to the past. Stan: They didn't come back to the past, you dumbass, they're actors! Butters: Oh... Oohhhh. [Stan rolls his eyes] But that's like they're lyin'. Stan: It is lying, Butters. Your parents lied to you and my parents lied to me! Get it! Butters: Ohhh, that makes me angry! Why, if Professor Chaos were here he'd make everyone pay! Stan: Who's that? Butters: You know, Professor Chaos, bringer of destruction and disorder! Stan: What? Butters: Follow me back home, Stan. It's time I let you in on a horrible s-secret! [heads off. This time, Stan follows] Scene Description: Butters' house, later. An upper light is on. Butters leads Stan into his bedroom. Butters: Wait right here, Stan. I warn you: you may not like what you're about to see. [slides his closet door open, steps inside the closet, and slides the door shut] Stan: We have to teach our parents a lesson! Show them they can't just play with our emotions like that! Butters: [jumps out of the closet and cackles] Now you know my terrible secret! Stan: ...You're gay? [Butters loses his moment] It's fine if you're gay, Butters. I don't care. Butters: Huh? Naw, I'm Professor Chaos, Stan. Stan: But we have to teach our parents a lesson, Butters! We're running away! Help me find the perfect place to run away to! [walks off] Butters: [walks downtrodden to the mirror and looks at himself] Mm. Uhm, maybe I used a little too much silver. Scene Description: Stan's room, next day. Stan and Butters are on the floor. Butters is reading the newspaper as Stan watches on. Butters: How about this? Winter Park. It looks kinda nice. Stan: No, we gotta run away somewhere warm. Butters: Wow, look at this, Stan. [reads from the paper] "Are you sick of your parents? Do you want revenge for something they've done to you? Call the Parental Revenge Center of Western America for a free con-sul-ta-tion. Results guaranteed." Stan: [heading for the phone] Dude, I didn't know there was such a thing. [picks up the phone receiver and starts punching in the numbers] Butters: Hey look, somebody lost their cat. Stan: Uh, hi, is this the Parental Revenge Center of Western America? [listens for the answer] Ah I'm really pissed off at my parents and I wanna impose swift and horrible revenge upon them? Butters: Look, you can make your wiener bigger in just three weeks. Stan: [still on the phone] Oh really? Oh, okay, uh where are you located, please? [listens and writes down the address] Great, uumm, can I come by tomorrow? Butters: This lady'll massage your wiener for ninety-five dollars. Well that's a pretty good deal. Stan: Eleven o'clock is great. Thank you. [hangs up] That was easy! I just have to go to their office and they'll help me figure out how to get back at my parents! Butters: [rises on his knees] Hah-hey, I wanna get revenge on my douchebag parents, too. Stan: Fine, then you can come with me. [heads out the door] Butters: Hooray! [follows him out] And then we can make our wieners bigger, and have the lady massage them. Scene Description: South Park, commercial district. Stan and Butters run down the street and turn the corner into an alley. Stan checks the address. Stan: I guess this is it. Scene Description: Parental Revenge Center of Western America. The headquarters are quite shabby. What looks like computers and monitors are just cardboard boxes with crude drawings on them. Stan and Butters enter. They look around as they approach the main desk. Stan: Uh hello, we're here about the revenge on our parents? Cartman: [an egg-shaped chair is seen, with its back to the boys] Yes, come in, please. [the chair turns around, and Cartman appears seated on it.] Stan: Cartman?? Cartman: Oh, Stan, Butters, I didn't know it was you guys. Stan: What the hell are you doing here?! Cartman: I'm running a business, Stan. Are you my eleven o'clock? Butters: You're the Parental Revenge Center of Western America?? Stan: God-damnit, I knew this was too good to be true! Come on, Butters, let's go. [both boys turn and walk towards the door] Cartman: Eh, so, you don't want to make your parents suffer and pay for mistreating you, then? [Stan and Butters stop in their tracks] Look, ah, I don't know what your parents did to you, but if you're here, I take it they pissed you off pretty good. Maybe you should at least ...hear what I have to offer? Stan: [turns around] Oh, sorry. I thought this was a legitimate business! Cartman: That it is, I assure you. I started this business over three months ago from the ground up. I've been helping children get back at their parents ever since. Stan: How many parents have you exacted revenge upon?! Cartman: Craig's. a-and Clyde's. Oh and and Kyle's, but that was a freebie. Look, I run a legitimate business here with state-of-the-art computers, charts, and technology. Look around you. I know how it feels to be really, really pissed off at your parents. And I will work hard, for you. [Stan and Butters think a moment, then take seats before Cartman] Stan: Our moms and dads lied to us about those future selves! It was just a trick to get us to not wanna try drugs or alcohol. Cartman: [lets out a heavy sigh] God-damnit! See? This is exactly why I started this business. If a parent can't respect their child, than who can they respect, huh? Butters: Yeah! Cartman: Listen! Parents understand one thing, and that's consequences. They need to see consequences from their actions, or else they'll never learn. What my company does is inflicts those consequences upon the parents in a very real and very direct way. Stan: How much is this going to cost us? Cartman: Eighteen thousand dollars. [Stan looks angry, Butters looks to him for guidance] How about just... three hundred and eighty seven easy payments of a hundred ninety nine, ninety five. [Stan still looks angry, Butters follows] How about five bucks? Scene Description: Motivation Corp., day. Director: So, everything is working out with your future actor? Your son seems to be responding. Randy: I think he's pretty scared alright. Sharon: It's just a little weird having people lying to our boy like this. Director: Well, you know what us ultra-liberals say, when it comes to children and drugs, lies are OK. The ends justify the means. We'll take smoking, for instance. The truth is there's no hard evidence that second-hand smoke can kill but, we believe it's okay to lie about it as long as it gets people to stop smoking. Sharon: Well that makes sense. Director: So it is with everything here at Motivation Corp. It's okay for us to lie and tell kids that all marijuana supports terrorism. [a shot of a marijuana leaf superimposed over the burning World Trade Center] Or that... one pill of Ecstasy is gonna kill them. It's not necessarily true, but the ends justify the means. Randy: Well I think when this is all over, our son is gonna thank us. Scene Description: Parental Revenge Center of Western America. Cartman prepares to lay out his plans for Stan and Butters. His cap is gone, as is the egg-shell chair. Cartman: Okay, Butters, let's start with you. I think I've found a great way to get revenge on your parents. Just... tell me if I'm going in the right direction here. [displays a few brochures and opens one] What we're going to do, Butters, is we're going to wait for your parents to leave the house, and then, smear all the walls... with poop. Butters: Hwuhh. That'll make them awful sore. Cartman: Now, I want you to take a look at some of these poop swatches. [displays some swatches with poop samples on them] Butters: Poop- poop swatches? Cartman: Poop comes in a lot of varieties, Butters. I wanna find the perfect one, tailored to your revenge on your parents. Butters: Hey, that's neato, huh, Stan? Cartman: Now, personally, I like the baby green. [switches to a new swatch] But I also think the classic brown would go nicely with your house. Butters: Wow, Eh eh you sure are a p-professional, Eric! I don't know which swatch I like best. Cartman: Well, y-you know what we could do, uh, uh Butters, is go with the baby green in the living room, and then maybe a classic brown, or even a nut-n-corn crunch in your parents' bedroom. Butters: Well that sounds good. Cartman: Okay, well let's do that then. That looks nice. Butters: Hooray! Cartman: Alright, now, Stan. For you I've put together a really nice design. I feel your parents were a bit more cocky about lying to you and your revenge needs to reflect that. So what I wanna to is put a note on your parents' door, telling them I'm the counselor from the school. Stan: [brightly] Yeah. Cartman: The note will inform them that a problem has come up and they need to see me right-away, back at my office. Stan: Yeah. Cartman: Your parents will drive all the way out to the school discovering that no meeting is actually taking place. Stan: Yeah! Cartman: And while they're gone, we're gonna smear all their walls with poop. [Stan's excitement vanishes] Butters: Wow! Neato! Stan: That's not neato, that sucks. Cartman: What? Stan: You're gonna smear Butters' parent's walls with poop. I thought each revenge was unique and customized! Cartman: Poop-smearing is the hot ticket right now, Stan, and... have you seen the poop swatches. Stan: Dude, that's not extreme enough! My parents aren't gonna learn their lesson from having some crap smeared on their walls! I want them to see what they did was wrong! I want them to have to admit that they lied to me! Cartman: Okay, okay, fine. I I just, I just, ...my first idea. That's why we have these consultations. [throws the brochure away and gets some paper from inside the desk] Okay, okay, lemme, lemme see here. Uh. Oh wait, oh this is nice. How about this: uh, we'll lure your parents out of the house, and then we'll kill them. Uh, we'll cut them up into little pieces and feed them to the dog. Stan: Dude! Cartman: Extreme enough for you? How's Wednesday? Stan: No, that's too extreme! Cartman: [sighs] Well first it's not extreme enough and then it's too extreme; where do you want it? Stan: Just forget it, Cartman! You don't know what you're doing! [leaves his seat and heads for the door.] Cartman: I am a professional, suh! [watches Stan leave] Don't worry, Butters. You're gonna be a hundred percent satisfied. Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. All the Marshes are at the dining room table eating tacos and chips. Stan: Hey future self. Future Stan: Yes, former self? Stan: You know that thing that I kept hidden in the hole in the wall for two years that I've never told anybody about? [future Stan looks at Stan as if the boy were crazy] You know, the thing that I take out of the shoebox every night before I go to sleep? Future Stan: Oh, uh... Stan: You must know what I'm talking about. Future Stan: Sure uh, uh, [quickly rises from the table and walks toward the dining room entrance] oh man, could you all excuse me for a second? I think I'm gonna crap my pants. [leaves. Stan crosses his arms, quite annoyed] Sharon: Uh, Stan, [Randy stops eating his taco and looks at Stan] don't you think you're upsetting your future self a little? Randy: Yeah, Stan, don't be so hard on yourself. Stan: Mom, Dad, I don't think that guy is from the future. [Sharon and Randy shift in their chairs] Randy: Oh. You. You don't? Stan: No. [plants his hands along the table's edge] You know what I think? I think this is all an elaborate hoax! [crosses his arms again] And I think that whoever is doing it doesn't have very much respect for me! [uncrosses his arms] See, the best way to try to motivate somebody is by being direct with them, to be honest with them. I think the whole future self thing is a lie, and lies are never the right way to get your message across. Randy: Well, you know what I think, Stan? Stan: What? Randy: I think he IS from the future. Sharon: Yeah, he must be. [Stan looks at them with eyebrows knitting] It's like, I just feel he's our son, you know? Randy: Right. That's mother's intuition; you can't argue with that. No, Stan, I think the only way you're gonna get rid of him is by staying clear of drugs and alcohol. Sharon: Right. [Stan looks at them with anger, then looks forward with anger] Scene Description: Butters' house, day. There's a Hispanic crew in the house painting the walls with two kinds of poop colors. The furniture is covered. Cartman enters and walks around the living room. Cartman: Okay, very nice, very nice. Oh wait, uh, God-damnit! Felipe! [a painter descends from the small ladder he's on] The classic brown poop is supposed to go in the parents' bedroom! The living room is supposed to be all baby green poop! Felipe: ¿Qué? ¿La caca no esta aquí? ["What? The poop isn't here?"] Cartman: ¡La caca de moreno no es aquí! ¡Aquí es verde, señor! ¡Es verde! ¡Arriba arriba! Felipe: ¡Sí, sí señor! ["Yes, yes sir!"] Cartman: Sí, gracias. ¿Y tú? [looks in another part of the living room] ¡Carlos! ¡Carlos, no! We want a textured effect on the nut-n-corn crunch poop. That's why we [sees a sponge on the floor and picks it up] spackle with the sponge. [dips the sponge into a poop tray and spackles the wall with it] See? Spackle gently. Lo marrado. Gently, see? Marrado. Carlos: Sí. Marrado. ["Yes. Gently"] Cartman: Marrado. Spectacularrr. Carlos: Sí. [takes the sponge from Cartman and begins spackling] Cartman: God, it's so hard to find good help. [runs into Butters, who has just entered the house] Ah! Butters, like what you're seeing so far? Butters: Boy, it sure is stinky in here! Cartman: Yearh, well, three hundred gallons of poop isn't gonna smell like a garden, Butters. But I think it's coming together real nice. Butters: Look, eh, Eric, I've been thinkin', my parents are gonna be awful sore and I don't think- Cartman: Yes, well, I've done my job, haven't I? [notices another worker] ¡Pepite, Pepite, no! ¡No come la taco la trabajar! Scene Description: The Marsh house, night. Randy and Sharon talk with the future Stan. Future Stan: Yes, well, it's hard to find work in commercials, so I ended up- [the front door opens] Randy: Oh, Stan! [Sharon and Future Stan look. Stan enters the dining room] Future Stan: Oh, dude, how's it goin', man? Ey, you wanna go upstairs and play hide and go seek? Stan: [takes a seat at the table] Hide and go seek, huh?! Randy: Yeah, Stan, why don't you go upstairs and play with yourself? Stan: I don't believe that he's my future self! Randy: Yeah, but we can't be sure, so we'd better assume he is and never try that first marijuana cigarette, huh? Stan: No, I actually have a way to be sure. [whips out a meat cleaver in his right hand and places his left wrist on the table] I'm going to cut off my hand. If he is my future self, then his hand will disappear. Sharon: [rises frantically] S-stanley you don't need to do that. He-he is your future self. Stan: But I have to know for sure. [readies the cleaver] Randy: [stammers] Don't be silly, Stan. You don't wanna go through life without one of your hands. [Sharon is fearful] Stan: Maybe it's the hand I smoked that first joint with. Here I go. I'm gonna do it. Randy: Stan... Stan: Yes? Randy: Uh... nothing. Go ahead. Sharon: Randy! Stan: [lowers the cleaver onto his wrist. The left hand falls away, and he lifts his left arm] AAAH! [a red area marks where the left hand was] Sharon: [Low-Pitched Scream, Shrieks Loudly] AAAHHH! Randy: Oh my God! Look! [points. Stan looks behind his seat. Randy moves quickly to Future Stan and chops off his left hand. Blood spurts out. Stan faces the adults again as Future Stan screams in pain] What? His hand did disappear! He is you from the future! Future Stan: Oh, Jesus Christ! Help me! Stan: That's weird, because I really didn't cut off my hand. It was fake. Randy: Uh.. [tries to put Future Stan's back in place] Look, it was fake in the future, too. [Future Stan passes out in shock] Sharon: Looks like you'd better really watch out for marijuana, huh Stan? Scene Description: Butters' house. Cartman stands with his crew behind him, their work finished. Cartman: Well Butters, I hope you like the work. I'm sure your parents will be plenty pissed off. Butters: Uh, and after my parents get angry, uh how do we get the poop off the walls? Cartman: Ooo, ah, that's a different company. [the doorbell rings] Oh! Someone's here! We'd better run out the back! Pepite! Carlos! ¡Vamonos! Butters: Uh but Cartman! Wait! [once Cartman and crew leave, Butters faces the front door] Oh Christmas! [the door opens and Stan enters] Stan: Butters! Butters: Oh, Stan! Stan: Butters, we've go-! Oh, God, it smells in here. Butters: Yeah, well, three hundred gallons of poop isn't gonna smell like a garden. Stan: Butters, we're running away! Butters: We are? Stan: Our parents are never gonna admit what they did was wrong, and they're never gonna change! [Stephen, Linda, and future Butters enter with groceries] Stephen: What the hell is this?! Linda: Oh my God, our house! Butters: [squeezes his eyes shut and buries his face in his hands] Oh Geez, ah, I'm gonna get it now. Stephen: [both parents approach with hands on hips] Butters! Do you have an explanation for this?! Butters: Oh, not really sir, I just uh... Linda: Wait a minute. Chris, don't you see? This might be our fault. Stephen: What, uh-? My God. You're right, Linda. This is what we get for deceiving our son. Stan: [watching his words fall apart] Huh? Stephen: Butters, listen. The whole future self thing, well, it was a dirty fib. Linda: We just so desperately wanted you to never try drugs that we used a big scare tactic instead of ...telling you the truth. Stephen: We thought the ends justified the means, but they don't. They just... don't, son! [starts crying as he and Linda hug Butters] Linda: We're sorry, baby. [starts crying also. Butters, feeling the love, smiles, then grins.] Stan: Get the fuck out of here. [Randy and Sharon rush into the house] Randy: Stan! Stan! Oh. Okay, uh, you you might be wondering why Butters has a future self, too. Sharon: Yes, well, eh you see, son, the time matrix pulled in more people from the future. Stan: Aw, stop it, you guys! I know all about Motivation Corp.! All I've been trying to get you guys to do is admit that you lied to me! Randy: Oh... Well... Son, we've just been trying to make sure you know how dangerous drugs like pot are. Stan: I've been told a lot of things about pot, but I've come to find out a lot of those things aren't true! So I don't know what to believe! Randy: Well, Stan, the truth is marijuana probably isn't gonna make you kill people, and ...it most likely isn't gonna fund terrorists, but... Well son, pot makes you feel fine with being bored and... It's when you're bored that you should be learning some new skill or discovering some new science or... being creative. If you smoke pot you may grow up to find out that you aren't good at anything. Stan: I really, really wish you just would have told me that from the beginning. Sharon: He's right. If we use lies and exaggerations to keep kids off drugs, then they're never gonna believe anything we tell them. Randy: Well, there's only one person I can blame. Motivation Corp.! Scene Description: Outside Motivation Corp., day. Randy, Sharon, Stan, and Cartman look at the building and listen at the voices coming out of it. Director: Oh God, who smeared crap all over our walls?! Oh Jesus, it smells! Oh! Randy: You really did a nice job, Eric. [Sharon holds a box of cookies] Stan: Yeah, I gotta admit. You really came through. Cartman: Thank you. I thought the hangover black went really nice in the lobby. Sharon: Well here, Eric, I cooked you a huge box of cookies as a present. Cartman: Thanks. But you know, all this talk about future selves has made me think, maybe I should ...take better care of myself. I mean, maybe I should think about who I'm going to become. Future Cartman: [Future Cartman walks into the scene. His appearance is tall, fit, clean, handsome, and wearing a suit] Atta boy, Eric. You've made the right choice. Cartman: Who the hell are you? Future Cartman: Haha, it's me, Cartman! You from the future. [genuflects] I came back to tell you that this is the day you turn it all around. You stop eating junk food and you start studying harder, you stay away from drugs and alcohol and you become CEO of your own time-travel company! Cartman: [sets the box of cookies down] Oh wow, really? That's so awesome! Now I'll really work to be successful! Future Cartman: Right on! Cartman: Go have sex with yourself, asshole! I'm not that stupid! Just for that, I'm gonna spend my whole childhood eating what I want, and doin' drugs when I want! [The Marshes leave. He joins them] Whatevuh! I'll do what I want! Future Cartman: No, wait! [flashes of electricity runs through his body. His form becomes obese, dirty, and disheveled. His suit becomes an dirty open blue shirt over a dirty white shirt with a name tag. He also holds a tool box and a wrench] Oh, God-damnit!

Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. In his room, Cartman has Kyle's cousin, Kyle Schwartz, tally up his good and bad deeds to see where he will end up this year. Kyle Schwartz is seated at Cartman's desk with piles of paper to go through and an adding machine to keep it all current. Kyle Schwartz: Ah-a-a-alright, I'm done. Cartman: You're done? Kyle Schwartz: Ye-yes, I-I've tallied up all the times you've been naughty and deducted the times you've been nice. Cartman: Yeah, so how's it look? Kyle Schwartz: It doesn't look good, Eric. It doesn't look good. Cartman: But I'll still be getting presents this year, right? Kyle Schwartz: A-a-aactually it looks like this year you're gonna owe Santa three hundred and six presents. Cartman: What?! Kyle Schwartz: Four thousand three hundred and twelve instances of being naughty against three deductions of being nice, is, is bad. Cartman: Three?? You didn't deduct all my nice invoices! Look look! What about this one? [lifts up a sheet from the desk] Kyle Schwartz: Yes, wa-a-I didn't think "hitting Clyde in the balls with slingshot" really counted as nice. Cartman: It was nice for Token; he laughed for like 20 minutes. Kyle Schwartz: Ye you can't deduct things like that, Eric. Santa will know and then he'll come after you. Cartman: [lunges at Kyle Schwartz and grabs him by the left arm] God-damnit I have to get that Haibo robot doll, you sonofabitch! Kyle Schwartz: Hey hey, [Cartman lets go] I'm just your naughty-and-nice accountant! Don't blame me for the numbers! Cartman: Haven't you seen the Haibo doll? It's like a pet, a robot pet. You have to feed it and pet it or else it dies, and it's the coolest thing ever! Santa has to bring me one! Kyle Schwartz: But what, look, aren't there any other nice things you've done recently we can write off here? Cartman: [thinks a minute] Uh... Oh! I brushed my teeth last night! Kyle Schwartz: Eh... brushing your teeth isn't naughty or nice... Eric, it just, it falls more into the category of... brushing your teeth. Cartman: Well there's still time before Christmas! Can't I still make up for it? Kyle Schwartz: If you cured cancer... and AIDS next week, you would still owe two presents. Cartman: Jesus Christ! Kyle Schwartz: Ah I'm afraid you're gonna have to find a way to do... the nicest, greaatest thing anyone has ever done. Ever. [sets his glasses right] Scene Description: South Park city hall, outside, night. A decorated Christmas tree stands at one side of the entrance as the Mayor stands at the dais. Mayor McDaniels: Good evening, everyone. In a moment we'll be lighting the South Park Christmas Tree to kick off the holidays! Townsfolk: Hooray!! Christmas Tree! Christmas Tree! [Everyone in town is there, and some out of towners too. Seen in the crowd are Mr. and Mrs. Stotch, Mr. and Mrs. Marsh, Shelly, Mr. Mackey, Principal Victoria, Chef and his parents, Mr. and Mrs. Broflovski, Skeeter, Dr. Mephesto and Kevin, a Visitor, Fr. Maxi, Big-Gay Al, Mr. Adler, The Thompsons, a freak, Lolly, Mr. and Mrs. McCormick, and Kevin McCormick] Christmas Tree! Cartman: [walks up to Stan and Kyle, who are holding candy canes] Hi guys! ["Christmas Tree!" Cartman is feeling quite cheerful. He hugs both Stan and Kyle] A very Merry Christmas to you. God bless us, everyone! [he lets go] Kyle: [naturally weary of Cartman's cheer] What are you doing, Cartman? Cartman: I'm just letting you guys know how special you are to me. Mayor McDaniels: But now, before we light the tree, I think we should all reflect for a moment on those who are less fortunate than us. [That gets the boys' attention] Right now in Iraq there are children who fear us and what we might do to their country. The threat of war touches us all, but over in Iraq, there is no Christmas. They have nothing. Jimbo: [to Ned] Ah I hate when the Mayor uses Christmas for her own political agenda. [uses his hands to make a megaphone and yells] Light the damn tree! Townsfolk: YEAH! Christmas Tree! Christmas Tree! Cartman: Oh my God, that's it! Kyle: What's it? Cartman: Don't you see? This time of year we should be bringing Christmas to the less fortunates! Follow me! [leaves in high spirits, then returns] You guys, come on! Right now! [Stan and Kyle shrug, then follow Cartman.] Mayor McDaniels: Ahalright, here to light the Christmas Tree is a very special young man who shows us all the true meaning of Christmas. Jimmy. [aide 2 sets up a small mic for Jimmy to sing into. The crowd cheers as Jimmy approaches the mic.] Jimmy: Wow, what a terrific audience. Thank you for giving me this great honor, Mayor. B-before I l, l.. light the tree, I was wondering if I could sing... my favorite ...Christmas song, real quick. Townsfolk: [sympathizing] Awww. Mayor McDaniels: Well, we'd love a Christmas song, wouldn't we, folks? Townsfolk: Christmas songs! Christmas songs! Christmas songs! Jimmy: Alright, h-here it goes. On the first day of C-...c...c.. chrih.. stmas my tr... t-tru-true love g-geh... g-g-geh... gave... to... m..m-m-m...m-mm-m-m... me... a pa... a pa... pah... Mr. Garrison: Oh no. [Mr. Slave, dressed in Santa bondage suit, stands next to him] Scene Description: Cartman's house, night. Cartman is rushing out of his house with all sorts of presents. Stan and Kyle just stand there looking at him run around. Cartman: [breathlessly, comes out with the box and sets it down near the driveway] ...and here's some old toys that I don't need anymore. [rushes back inside] And here! Here's some Christmas cookies! [comes out with the box of cookies and sets it down] And some holly and mistletoe! [rushes in to get it, then comes out with the box, setting it next to the box of toys] Oh, this'll be the happiest Christmas the Middle East has ever seen! Guys, get those lights down from the door. We'll give them to the needy Iraqis, too. Stan: Cartman, why are you doing this? Cartman: They don't have Christmas there, guys. We have to give it to them. Kyle: That's a retarded idea that won't work. Why are you really doing this? A Voice: [the boys look up and to their right] Hoooowwwwdy ho! [Mr. Hankey skips into view, from a house rooftop, to a garage rooftop, to hovering in front of the boys. Magic dust accompanies him] Kyle: Mr. Hankey! [an instrumental of Mr. Hankey's theme song plays] Cartman: [annoyed, softly] Oh I hate this stupid Christmas poo. [in normal voice] Hello, Mr. Hankey! A Merry Christmas to you! Mr. Hankey: Gee whiz, things sure look Christmasy out here. What are you boys doin'? Kyle: Cartman is trying to bring Christmas to Iraq. Cartman: The people of Iraq deserve a good Christmas just like everyone else. Mr. Hankey: Well, gosh, Eric, looks like you really have the Christmas spirit! [Cartman bounces around joyously] I know someone who can help. Santa Claus! Cartman: Really? Stan, Kyle: Really? Mr. Hankey: Sure. We should take this stuff to him right away! Kyle: But how are we gonna get to the North Pole? Mr. Hankey: Oh, that's no problem! We just need a little Christmas magic. [raises his little arms and stirs up some magic dust. He unleashes it on a manhole cover in the middle of the street, which begins to rumble. The sewer underneath the manhole cover bubbles up and blows the cover off, and the poo spread and swirls around. A small tornado moves from side to side, then clears away, revealing a small train made of poo.] All aboard the Poo Choo Express! Cartman: Wow! Stan: Wuh, that smells. [lifts the front of his jacket over his nose] Kyle: Yeah. [does the same] Mr. Hankey: Next stop, the North Pole! Cartman: [grabs the box of holly and mistletoe and heads for the train] Get the rest of the stuff you guys! Stan: Uh, I don't really wanna get on there. [Cartman stops] Kyle: Me neither. Cartman: You guys, we have to bring Christmas to those less fortunates! [moves on] Now come on! Mr. Hankey: Let's go, Poo Choo Train! [pulls on the whistle cord] Whistle: Poo Choo! [the trains lurches forward and leaves a train of poo behind. Soon it's running smoothly] Mr. Hankey: Poo Choo Train's layin' down its tracks with a Whistle: Poo Choo! Mr. Hankey: All the way and back! Cartman: Poo Poo Train is my favorite thing, spreading Christmas joy as we ride and sing! Kyle: Dude, what the hell has gotten into Cartman?? Stan: I don't know. Mr. Hankey: Christmastime wouldn't be the same without hugs and kisses and a Poo Choo Train. [from a view in space, the train is seen making its way to the North Pole] Scene Description: South Park. Jimmy is still singing. Jimmy: ...and a par-tridge in a... p...pear t...t...tree. On the third day of C...Chrihhh...Chriiii... Scene Description: The North Pole. The Poo Choo Train pulls into view, then stops. Mr. Hankey: Here we are, kids. The North Pole. [Stan and Kyle run off the train and put some distance between it and themselves] Stan: Awww! [both of them release their breath and start coughing] Kyle: Finally! Stan: God, it took forever! Cartman: Wow, is that where Santa lives? Mr. Hankey: That's it. Santa's Fortress of Solitude. [The fortress is shown in all its icy glory. The boys and Mr. Hankey head for the entrance. Two icy door slide apart and a gnome appears] Gnome 1: Mr. Hankey! Mr. Hankey: We need to see Santa right away on urgent Christmas business. Gnome 1: Sure thing! Scene Description: The workshop. The group enters. Gnomes are busy everywhere, moving gifts around, decorating Christmas trees. Kyle: Hey. Aren't you guys the underpants gnomes? Gnome 1: Ten months out of the year. But this time of year we help Santa! [leads the group out of the workshop] Here he is! [the group comes across Santa at his desk reading a list of names] Santa: [turns around] Ho ho hoo! Merry Christmas! Stan, Kyle, Cartman: [impressed] Wow! Mr. Hankey: Howdy ho, Santa! Santa: [with open arms, approaches] Mr. Hankey, how are you? Mr. Hankey: All ready for Christmas? Santa: I was just starting to look over the new naughty and nice list the gnomes prepared for me. Cartman: Oh, heh. Are the uh tabulations all closed up then? Santa: Oh no, they keep it open until midnight of Christmas Eve. Some kids actually try to cram in a lot of niceness right at the end. Cartman: [brushes it off] Oh, that's so lame of them. [Stan looks at him] Mr. Hankey: Santa, my friends are trying to do something very special this Christmas. Tell him, Eric. Cartman: [with hands behind his back] Well Santa, it's just that... I was thinking about the people in Iraq who are afraid that we might bomb them and I just thought, well, maybe it wouldn't hurt to send them a little bit of our Christmas spirit as well. Santa: You know you're right. Santa hasn't been to that of the world in a looong time. Perhaps Santa could bring peace to this whole situation. Cartman: That's what I thought. Santa: Gnomes! [the gnomes gather around him] Load up the sleigh with toys! Santa's going to make a special run! Mr. Hankey: All right! Santa: And you boys can all watch me from our flight control room. Cartman: Hooray! Scene Description: South Park. Jimmy is still singing. Jimmy: ...and a par-tridge in a... p...pear tree. On the ...fourth day of C...C...Ca...Chriiiistmas my t-true love g-ge-gave to me-mee... Scene Description: The North Pole Flight Control Room. The gnomes and boys enter the room, which is fully decorated in Christmas cheer. Gnome 1: This is Santa's flight control center. From here, we can monitor Santa from satellite as he travels the globe delivering presents. Kyle: Wow, cool! Mr. Hankey: Hey, it looks like Santa has already made it to Baghdad. [four camera angles show Santa arriving in Baghdad: two side angles, one overhead, one front] Scene Description: Baghdad, Iraq. Santa sails over the city. Santa: Ho ho hoo! Merry Christmas, everyone! [the Iraqi adults stop and look up. Two presents drop down before a house, the door opens, and two kids look at the gifts with saucer eyes. They come out and pick up the gifts, grinning brightly. They glance up at Santa, then look back at their gifts] Ho ho hoo! A Merry Christmas to all! Iraqi man 1: [black beard] Paka klakalaka. Iraqi man 2: [white beard] Anah kakadakadaka. Santa: Merry Christmas! [An Iraqi man shows up with a shoulder-mounted bazooka, aims at Santa, and fires the rocket. The sleigh is hit and Santa loses control of it.] I'm hit! I'm hit! [switch to North Pole] Gnome 1: Sleigh is hit! I repeat! Sleigh is hit! [switch to Baghdad] Gnome 2: Ultimate failure at o-sixhundred feet! [the sleigh swings around violently, tossing Santa off. Santa holds on to one of the skids] Santa: Hold on! [climbs up to the sleigh cab] Sleigh is going down! [switch to North Pole] Gnome 1: Sleigh is going down! I repeat! Sleigh is going down! Stan: Hang on, Santa! [switch to Baghdad] Gnome 3: [heard on the sleigh's radio] Sleigh 1 is going down! We are going down! [more chatter is heard as the sleigh heads for a crash landing. The sleigh strikes the edge of a building's rooftop and knocks away some of the façade] Gnome 4: [on the sleigh's radio] Don't look down! Don't look down! Repeat! Don't look down! [the sleigh crashes and everyone who's on the ground looks for a place to hide. Presents are spilled all over. The area is soon empty save for Santa and the sleigh. Color vanishes. Switch to North Pole] Gnome 1: [on the sleigh's radio] We got a red sleigh down. We got a red sleigh down. [Arabic music is heard as the boys look at the devastation] Red Sleigh 1, this is North Pole. [no response. The boys are in shock] Red Sleigh 1, this is North Pole. [no response] Mr. Kringle? [after a moment, turns around] Gnome 5: Jesus Christ, they killed him! Cartman: No! Santa Claus can't be dead. He... He can't. Stan: Why would Iraqis do that? Why? Mr. Hankey: It certainly doesn't seem very Christmasy of them. Santa: [over the radio] North Pole. This is Santa. Mr. Hankey: Santa! Are you alright? Gnome 2: What is your status? Santa: [on screen] Sleigh is down. Reindeer... all dead. Both Santa's legs are broken. Santa's... very sad. Santa will have to... oh no. They're coming for me! [the other gnomes begin to stream into the control room] Stay back, you bastards! Stay back! [the communications link is lost] Stan: Oh no. Cartman: Well what are you gnomes sitting there for?! You have to go rescue him! Gnome 5: What the hell are we supposed to do?! We're like nine inches tall! Cartman: [blubbering] Now I'm never gonna get my Haibo robot doll! Kyle: Is that what this is all about?! [Stan shoots a quizzical stare] You came up with this whole idea so you could get a stupid toy?! [Stan is angry now] Cartman: It's not stupid! It's a toy that you can starve! If you don't feed it, it dies. It's sooo cool. Stan: Well good going, asshole! Thanks to you, there's not gonna be any Christmas, and there's no one left to help us! Cartman: Oh, Christ. Stan, Kyle, Cartman: [gasp] Jesus! Mr. Hankey: Hey, that's right. Jesus can save anybody. Gnome 2: Follow me. You can take Santa's backup sleigh. [walks off. Mr. Hankey, the other gnomes, and the boys follow him] Scene Description: South Park City Hall. Jimmy is still singing Twelve Days of Christmas. Jimmy: On the fifth... day... day of... Christmas, [the townsfolk have begun to fall asleep] ...my t-true love gave to... uh... me. Five g-g-g... golden ruh-ring... rings. [one of the mayor's aides falls asleep on her shoulder] Fuhgom... don... t-t... don... four cal...ling buh-irr... Scene Description: The North Pole, Fortress of Solitude. Gnome 2: We fed Jesus Christ's data into the autopilot. This sleigh should be able to take you right to him. Stan: I hope so, or else Santa Claus is as good as dead. Gnome 2: Here it is. Red Sleigh 2. [shown with its own team of reindeer] Cartman: Come on, gang, it's up to us to save Christmas! Mr. Hankey: Tell Santa's workers to keep making toys. We'll have Santa back in no time! Kyle: Uhhh, how d- how do we start this thing? Gnome 2: You just have to call out the reindeer's names. Cartman: Oh yeah! On Dasher, on Prancer, on Comet- Gnome 2: No, no, they're all dead. You have to call out the new ones. [each reindeer is highlighted as its name is called] On Steven, on Fluffy, on Horace, on Chantel. On Skippy, on Rainbow, on Patches, on Montel. [the reindeer move forward and the sleigh soon rises into the sky] Good luck finding Jesus! [waves goodbye after them] Scene Description: The night sky. The boys sail along the winds. Cartman: Wow, look, you guys! We're riding in Santa's sleigh! Mr. Hankey: We should be able to find Jesus in no time! Cartman: I'm riding in Santa's sleigh. So high above the trees at Christmastime. With candy-cane wishes and smiles- Kyle: What are you doing? Cartman: [looks at Kyle, then lowers his eyelids a bit] I'm having a precious Christmastime moment, Kyle, if you don't mind. Kyle: Singing a Christmas song isn't gonna get you nice deductions, Cartman! Don't forget: it's because of you that Santa's sleigh got shot down! Cartman: [draws close to Kyle] Hey, it isn't my fault that Iraqis are filled with hate! Kyle: All I'm saying is that it's gonna take a lot of singing to make up for that! Cartman: [resumes his position in back of the sleigh and speeds up his song] It's Christmas magic time, inside the sleigh, so high in the sky, eh with candy canes and chimney smiles, eh... Scene Description: South Park City Hall. Jimmy is still singing Twelve Days of Christmas. The townsfolk get sleepier. Jimmy: Six geese are laying... fu...five go-oldenh ...uhrings. Fodom... dom... du...du...t...du... Four calling biiirds... Scene Description: Baghdad. Santa is being hauled down a hall by three Iraqi soldiers. He's got bruises here and there, a bloody nose, a black eye. They enter a room. Santa: Where are you taking me?? [one soldier seems to order the other two to strap Santa into a chair] You are all being very naughty. [a general enters] Iraqi general: [soft-spoken] Why you come to Iraq, my main man? Santa: [a soldier ladles some water onto Santa] To bring happiness and joy to the children. Iraqi general: And this is...? [carries a toy train and dangles a car in front of Santa] This is what you think brings happy? [walks behind Santa] This is material... [thrusts the toy train at Santa over the shoulder] This is commercialism! Your country is sick. Sick! [throws the toy train onto Santa's body and walks away] Santa: No, your country has just lost all its Christmas spirit. [a soldier approaches and opens Santa's pants.] What's going on here?! Iraqi general: America wants to bomb my house, my main man. They want to kill my wife and children. We need to know... what is their plan? Santa: I don't know, I live in the North Pole. [the general leaves, then soon returns with two rods attached to cables. A soldier cranks up the device they're connected to] What are you doing?? Iraqi general: They say that the Chinese were the first to experiment with an electroshock to the testicles. Santa: Oh no. Not Santa's balls! [The general descends on Santa's balls and makes them glow. This part is not shown, save for a shot of Santa's back and a glow coming from the front side. A few seconds later the general removes the rods and rises, and the glow fades. Santa coughs] Iraqi general: What else is America planning?! Santa: [coughs some more, spits, and faces the general] I'm gonna fucking kill you! Iraqi general: You're not in a position to kill anyone, my main man! I just want you to tell me America's plan! Santa: Then we're in for a long night, because I don't know shit! [the general glances at the soldier, who ratchets the charger up higher. Santa screams in pain] Scene Description: An Italian church. Jesus stands at the altar receiving parishioners, blessing them for one thing or another. Jesus: [blessing an elderly man with a few drops of wine] In nome del mio padre, siete guarito. ["In the name of my Father, you are healed."] Elderly Man: [as he is led away] Benedicali! Benedicali! ["Bless you! Bless you!"] Woman: Jesus, mio bambino no puoi sentirsi. ["Jesus, my son can't feel himself." (he's numb)] Jesus: [blesses the infant] Il vostro bambino se arguisto. ["Your son ..."] Woman: Bene, Benedicali! ["Bless, bless you!" The boys' voices are now heard inside the church and the congregants look around. The sleigh crashes though a window and glass showers down over Jesus and the other people present] La morte rossa! ["The red death!" The sleigh alights and stops] Mr. Hankey: Hooowdy ho! [the churchgoers panic and run out of the church.] Cartman: Jesus! Jesus: Stan, Kyle, Mr. Hankey and Eric Cartman. What are you doing here, my children? Stan: Jesus, Santa's sleigh was shot down over Iraq! Jesus: Santa? Is he alright? Kyle: We don't know. They lost all contact with him. Jesus: We have to get him out of there. Mr. Hankey: Do you know a way? Jesus: Yes. Yes, I think I do. [approaches an ornate cabinet] We need a little Christmas miracle. [slides the door open to reveal an armory. He starts taking out an Uzi] Lock and load! We're goin' in! Scene Description: South Park City Hall. Jimmy is still singing Twelve Days of Christmas. The townsfolk get sleepier. Jimmy: On the s...seventh day of Christmas my t...true love... Scene Description: The interrogation room. The general continues shock treatment on Santa's balls. Iraqi general: You're a sick capitalist dog, my main man! [jabs the balls again, and Santa howls in pain] Scene Description: Baghdad. Jesus, Mr. Hankey, and the boys arrive and sail over the city. Cartman: This is Baghdad? God, what a shithole! [Jesus looks over, Cartman notices] I mean, oh wow, these poor unfortunate people. Gnome: Red Sleigh 2, come in. Stan: We're here. Gnome: You're coming up on the source of the signal. You're right on top of him! Jesus: He must be in that building below us. Land it on the roof, Mr. Hankey. Mr. Hankey: Howdy ho, Jesus. [the sleigh lands and a rooftop door opens.] Soldier 1: [clean-shaven] Gankueda! Jesus: [steps off the sleigh and holds his arms up] Wait here, I can handle this. Soldier 2: [bearded] Kinkeda? Kinkakueda! Jesus: Yay, look upon me, and know me. Soldier 1: Halak balah! Soldier 2: Kli malah! Jesus: My children, you should know something. [a dagger shoots out and gets into position by his left arm] I'm packing. [quickly jabs the clean-shaven soldier in the throat, and the soldier gags to death. A gun with silencer descends along Jesus' right arm. He takes that and quickly kills the bearded soldier. He calls out to the others on the sleigh] Let's go! [Mr. Hankey and the boys leave the sleigh] Cartman: This is such a magical Christmas adventure, you guys. Scene Description: South Park City Hall. Jimmy is still singing Twelve Days of Christmas. The townsfolk get sleepier. Jimmy: On the el- el- el- eleventh day of C- Christmas my t...true love gave to me, e-eleven p-p-pipers p-pu-p-piping... Scene Description: The interrogation room. The general is now making Santa swallow a can of oil. Iraqi general: Drink it! Drink the oil! This is all you Western capitalists want! [Jesus bursts through the door.] Santa: Jesus Christ! [Jesus kills the soldier at the charging station, then the other soldier. The general holds up his hands. Jesus shoots him on the left know and he falls.] Iraqi general: Ach! Santa: Oh! Thank! Thank God for you, Jesus! [Jesus walks up to Santa and unties him] Jesus: Here. [hands him a gun] Can you walk? Santa: Santa's legs are broken. [Jesus moves his hands over them, then steps back] Jesus: They are healed. [walks off. Santa follows, but turns around to face the general, who is cowering now. Santa fixes his gaze on the general and aims the gun. After a few intense moments Santa moves the gun off and fires twice. Jesus comes up behind Santa] Santa... Santa: I just couldn't do it. [Santa didn't miss after all. The general got one bullet to the brain, another one that split his head open] I just couldn't let him live. He shocked Santa's balls! [sirens go off] Mr. Hankey: More soldiers are coming! Jesus: Let's move. Move! Scene Description: South Park City Hall. Jimmy is still singing Twelve Days of Christmas. Jimmy: Eight... maids are... milking... Scene Description: A hallway. Jesus leads the others out. Jesus: [stops at the foot of a stairway and turns around] Get up the stairs! The sleigh is on the roof! [a soldier comes down the stairs] Kyle: Jesus, behind you! [Jesus looks at the boys. The soldier shoots Jesus in the back] Stan, Kyle, Cartman: [in slow motion] Jesus! [in slow motion, Jesus wobbles a bit and then falls] Santa: [in slow motion] No! [fires away with his gun, killing the soldier. He then approaches Jesus and holds him] Jesus. Jesus! [Jesus stammers, but nothing comes out of his mouth] No... don't worry, Jesus, it's nothing. It's just a scratch. Jesus: You're a... bad liar. [the boys are speechless] Hey. B-but we sure gave them one hell of a fight, huh? Santa: We sure did, Jesus. Stan: [finding his voice] Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here. Jesus: Uh Santa? Santa: [quickly answers] I'm here, Jesus. Jesus: Don't... don't ever... let them take away... our... Christmas spirit. [Jesus takes his last breath and expires. His halo disappears] Stan: Oh my God. Iraqis killed Jesus. Kyle: You bastards. [behind them, soldiers mass at the other end of the hall] Santa: [with a gun on each arm] Come on, kids! [turns around and rushes up the stairs. The kids follow] Scene Description: The building's rooftop. Santa leads the boys out while firing at the pursuing Iraqi soldiers. Santa: Get to the sleigh! Get to the sleigh! [the boys run by screaming as Santa mows the soldiers down with both semiautomatics. More soldiers pour out, more bodies pile up. The boys sit down in the sleigh, and Stan and Kyle take the reins] Mr. Hankey: Start the sleigh! Stan: Uh, on Steven, on Fluffy, on Horace, on Chantel. Uhh... Kyle: On Skippy, on Rainbow, on Patches, on Montel. [the sleigh begins to move forward and Santa runs out of ammo. He drops the guns and heads for the moving sleigh. He hops in and the remaining soldiers fire at the departing sleigh. The sleigh goes up and away] Cartman: Look at me, I'm riding high in Santa's sleigh. It's Christmas special time for me- Kyle: Oh shut up, Cartman! Your Sweet Christmas act isn't fooling anybody! Cartman: Eh, it's not an act, Kyle! All I wanted was for these people to understand what Christmas means. Santa: You're right, kid. [turns the sleigh around] Mr. Hankey: What are you doin', Santa? Santa: I came to bring Christmas to Iraq and by God I'm gonna do it! [presses a button on his dashboard.] Scene Description: Panels on either side of the sleigh body open up to reveal bombs and a controller rises up in front of Santa. He releases the reins and fires a rocket. It heads for a building and Iraqis move out of the way. It hits its target, but instead of destroying it, the bomb decorates the building in Christmas cheer. Strings of lights decorate the windows and a Christmas tree appears at the door. "Joy To The World" plays as snow comes down from the sky. The Iraqis approach in wonder. Santa: Hohoho! Merry Christmas! [the sleigh sails above a street and Santa strafes the buildings on either side with more bombs. Each of the buildings is decorated with lights and Christmas trees, and presents appear under the trees. The sleigh goes down another street and bombs another building. It too is decorated] Soldier: [directing another soldier with a bazooka ready to fire] Dakadaka! Stan: RPG, four o'clock! Scene Description: Santa activates a laser, which rises over the boys and fires at the soldier's bazooka. It becomes a giant candy cane. The soldiers are surprised. Santa fires at a group of people holding baskets of bread and a woman holding a chicken. The baskets become gifts, while the chicken becomes a large gingerbread man. A rifle in one man's hands becomes a Christmas wreath. Mr. Hankey: Boy, things are starting to look Christmasy now! Santa: Merry Christmas! Hohoho! Scene Description: Santa makes another pass down a decorated street and drops five more bombs. They leave behind five snowmen. The Iraqis are surprised and confused by all these presents. The kids are terribly pleased with theirs. Santa: Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! Hohohohoho! Scene Description: South Park City Hall. Jimmy is still singing Twelve Days of Christmas. The mayor's assistants are asleep and the mayor is getting sleepy. Jimmy: And a p-p-par-tridge in a p-peeeaaar treeee. [a moment of silence follows. No more is heard from Jimmy] Mayor McDaniels: That's it? That's it! The song's over! We can light the tree! [heads for the dais. Her aides follow. The townsfolk rouse themselves.] Townsfolk: [cheering heartily] Hurrah! Woohoo! Yay! Jimbo: Oh, finally! Mayor McDaniels: Go on, Jimmy! There's only five more seconds until Christmas! [hands him the detonator by which to light the tree. The townsfolk are glad with anticipation, making fists. Jimmy lowers the trigger, the tree lights up and goes dark, and then a bulb explodes] Townsfolk: Awwww! Randy: Christmas is ruined again! [they begin to disperse, but jingle bells stop them in their tracks] Santa: [heard over the jingle bells] Ho ho ho! [Santa flies over the gathering and drops a bomb on the tree. It blazes forth with bright lights] Townsfolk: WOW!!! [cheering and applause follow. The sleigh lands and the occupants disboard] Randy: Stan! Sheila: Kyle! Kyle: [runs up to his parents] Mom! Dad! We rode on Santa's sleigh! Stan: [runs up to his parents] We brought Christmas to Iraq! Santa: [approaches the dais] Everyone! Everyone, can I please have your attention? [Cartman approaches his mom; they hug each other] Christmas is a very special time of year, but... this year it almost didn't happen. There's a man named Jesus who gave his life to save me. And so I declare that every year on Christmas Day, we should remember Jesus for what he did, and thank him for it. From now on, Christmas will be a day for remembering a brave man named Jesus. Townsfolk: [cheering heartily] Hooray! Santa: Now, if you'll all excuse me, I've got a lot of work to do. [leaves the dais] Mr. Hankey: I'll help you, Santa! Santa: [gets into his sleigh and looks over at the boys] Oh, and boys, you might want to check under the Christmas tree. [the boys are surprised, then happy. Stan leads them to the presents. Santa takes the sleigh off the ground and away] Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas! [the boys reach their presents and check them over. For a moment they look like the Iraqi kids. Their looks change back to normal as they rip off the wrapping. They all get the same gift] Stan: Wow! Look, you guys! Santa got us all Haibo dolls! [Cartman's joy vanishes] Cartman: Oh, God-damnit! Kyle: Cartman, I thought all you wanted was a Haibo doll! Cartman: Yeah, but not if you guys have one, too! Now it's worthless and gay! God-damnit I'll never try to be nice again! [kicks the toy away. The camera zooms out enough for a fourth person to walk into the shot] Stan: Well, all in all, I have to say this was a pretty special Christmas. [Kenny walks into the frame.] Kenny: (Hey guys. What's goin' on?) Stan: Oh, hey Kenny. Kyle: Dude, where have you been? Kenny: (Oh, I've just been hanging out.) Kyle: Well come on! We gotta tell you what happened. I'm sure glad it's over with. [walks away with his Haibo doll. Stan follows with his Haibo doll, and Cartman follows with an angry look] Stan: Yeah, but I feel like things are finally back to normal. Kenny: (Yeah.)

Scene Description: At the bus stop, day. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny wait. Ike hops into view The boys: School days, school days, teacher's golden rule day... Kyle: Ah, damn it! Cartman: What? Kyle: My God-damned little brother's trying to follow me to school, again! Ike: Suck my balls. Kyle: No, Ike! You can't come to school with me. [Ike chortles] Cartman: Yeah! Go home, you little dildo! Kyle: Dude, for the last time, don't call my brother a dildo! Cartman: Alright, go home, you little semen-puking asshole dickhead! [the boys laugh, Kyle picks up Ike and swings him towards Cartman. Ike smacks Cartman in the face and Cartman falls on his back] Ow! Stan: Dude, sweet! [Ike stands up] Kyle: Yeah. Check it out. [sets up Ike and prepares for a kick] Ready Ike? Kick the baby! Ike: Don't kick the goddamn baby! Kyle: Kick the baby! Ike: Waaaah- [flies across the street and lands in some snow on the other side] Ow. Cartman: [gets up and yawns] Uuugh. Kyle: Whoa Cartman. Looks like you didn't get much sleep last night. Cartman: That's because I was having these bogus nightmares all night long. Kyle: Really? What about? Cartman: Well, I dreamt that I was lying in my bed... [the dream sequence begins] in the dark. When all of a sudden this bright blue light filled the room [his window flies open and a bright beam blinds him as he rises to see what it is]. Then slowly my bedroom door begin to open [a glow appears around the door as an alien peeks inside] and the next thing I remember I was being drug through a hallway. [This hallway has specimens on either side of it. "Weeaak!"] Then these scary hands wanted to operate on me. [four aliens hover over him and lower his pajama pants as a robot arm nearby gets to work on his ass] And they had big heads and big black eyes... Stan: Dude! Visitors! Kyle: Totally! Cartman: What? Stan: That wasn't a dream Cartman, those were visitors! Cartman: No, it was just a dream, [crosses his arms] my mom said so. Stan: Visitors are real. They... [lowers his left eyebrow and thinks, looking down] Wait a minute. This has all happened before. Kyle: Yeah. This does seem really familiar. Cartman: What the Funk & Wagnalls are you talkin' about? Kyle: Cartman, don't you remember the last time you had this dream? Cartman: Eh... shut up you guys, you're just tryin' to scare me. Stan: No, dude, this happened before! Aliens put some device in you and then we tied you up to a tree and you went up on their ship! You don't remember that? Cartman: No I don't remember that! Kyle: You don't? Cartman: No, because the aliens erased my memory! Stan: I remember this whole thing. [to Kyle] Ike tried to follow you to school. You kicked him, then Cartman told us about his alien dream. Kyle: Yeah, and then Chef pulled up in his car. [the sound of wheels approaching] Chef: [pulling up in his station wagon, steps out] Hello there, children! [silence] Kyle: [to Stan] And then you said Stan: What's gonna be for lunch today, Chef? Chef: Well, today it's Salisbury steak with hot buttered noodles All: and a choice of green bean salad or vegetable medley. Kyle: Weird Chef: Say, did any of you children All: see the alien space ship last night? Chef: What the? Stan: Chef, we're in a repeat. Chef: A repeat?? Kyle: Cartman was visited by aliens again last night. And now it's like we're living a repeat of a previous day. Cartman: Aw dude, I hate repeats! Chef: [walks around and stands behind the boys] I've been feelin' Déjà vu all mornin', children. I knew somethin' strange was goin' on! Stan: It all started when Cartman got an anal probe. Chef: We have to get Eric to a proctologist right away. Scene Description: South Park Medical Clinic. Inside, Chef and the boys wait on chairs as Cartman lies face down on a proctologist's table. Kyle: What is a proc-tologist, Chef? Chef: He's a doctor that specializes in your asshole, children. Stan: You mean, at some point in this doctor's life he decided he wanted to work on people's buttholes. Chef: That's right. Kyle: What a dick! Proctologist: [entering] Hello everyone! [walks towards Cartman] Chef: Hello Doctor. Thanks for seein' Eric on such short notice. Proctologist: What seems to be the problem? Chef: We just want you to take a look and tell us if you see anything abnormal. Kyle: Other than his monstrous size. Cartman: [whips an angry look at him] SHUT UP, KYLE! SHUT YOUR GOD-DAMNED MOUTH! [pulls his head back and rests it on his left hand] Proctologist: All right, let's see here. [raises the blanket and looks down] Oh my God!! Cartman: What? Proctologist: Why, there's a huge crack goin' right down the middle! [beat. The doctor begins to laugh] Cartman: [displeased] Haha, very funny. Stan: Yeah, like we haven't heard that one a zillion times. Proctologist: [chuckles] All right, let's take a look. [snaps on a yellow latex glove and plunges a finger into the butthole] Cartman: Heey, just what the hell do you think you're doing? Chef: Eric, the doctor has to feel inside your rectum. Kyle: And afterwards, he'll probably have to burn his hand and bury it. Cartman: Kyle, I swear, if I didn't have a guy's hand up my ass right now, I'd leap across the room and kick you in the nuts. Eh. Oohh. Oww. Proctologist: Well the prostate seems to be normal. No swelling of the hemorrhoidal gland... Cartman: Eh- Aaaaah. Ooooo-ah. Uuuuu aaaaa. Proctologist: Wait, what's this? [the anal probe appears once again and the doctor jumps out of the way. The probe stretches out and clears away part of the clinic on its way to full height. A large hole is left on the building as the satellite dish juts out from it.] Kyle: Are you okay? Cartman: [with a dreamy, relieved look] Dude. You know that feeling when you take a huuuge dump? Awesome! [smiles] Chef: Well, doctor? Proctologist: [slowly] I've never quite seen this before, uh... Perhaps he just needs some hemorrhoid cream. Cartman: [the probe collapses and sinks back into his ass] Aaaaaa aaaaaa ooagh! Stan: You all right? Cartman: You know the feeling when the huge dump you just took shoots back up inside your ass? NO I"M NOT ALL RIGHT!! Proctologist: I've never seen a hemorrhoid react this way. Chef: That wasn't no hemorrhoid, it was an alien hoobajoob! Come on, children! We've got to get Eric to some real help! Stan: Where to now, Chef? Chef: That thing inside Eric's asshole looked like some kinda alien satellite dish. We need to see my friend down at the Space Center now! [as they leave the clinic they pass the receptionist's window. A receptionist with a weird white face and yellow hair looks on as they leave. She then removes her wig and shows that she's a Visitor.] Scene Description: The space center. Lots of satellite dishes dot the premises. Inside Chef leads the children to a scientist. Chef: And you're the only person I could think of who might be able to help us, Jeff. Jeff: How do we uh, make it come out? Chef: Someone just has to activate it like the proctologist did. Cartman: [crosses his arms] Ohhh no no nonono! Nobody is putting their finger in my ass again! Unless it's Kyle. [grins] Kyle: What? No way! [looks to his left and points] You do it, Kenny! Cartman: Nope! It has to be Kyle! Stan: Go on. Kyle: I'm not putting my finger up Cartman's butt! Chef: Kyle, the fate of the world may be at stake. Cartman: [lowers his pants and moons Kyle] Come, Kyle. Do hurry. [Kyle moves tentatively toward Cartman and bares his left arm] Go ahead, it won't bite. [Kyle raises his arm and move in. Cartman farts and Kyle angrily lowers his arm. Cartman and Kenny laugh] Kyle: God-damnit Cartman! Cartman: [laughing] I couldn't resist. I'm sorry. [Kyle raises his hand and moves his finger towards the butthole. Cartman farts again and laughs. Kenny joins in. and Kyle angrily lowers his arm.] Kyle: Stop it Cartman! Cartman: [laughing] Okay. Okay okay. [Kyle raises his hand and moves his finger towards the butthole. Cartman farts again and laughs. Kenny joins in. and Kyle angrily lowers his arm.] Kenny: [laughing] (Gaaahaha, he got you again!) Kyle: God Dammit! Cartman: [laughing] Haha. Oh man, that was great. Okay, go ahead. I'm all out of farts now. [Kyle raises his hand and moves his finger towards the butthole. Cartman farts again and laughs. Kyle angrily lowers his arm, looking at the other guys.] Gahaaa! Derrr! Kenny: [laughs, then echoes Cartman] (Derrr!) Cartman: Okaay, okay. It's not funny anymore. [Kyle raises his hand and moves his finger towards the butthole. Cartman farts again and laughs. Kyle angrily lowers his arm.] Oh yes it is! [swats the odor towards Kyle.] Kenny: [laughs, then echoes Cartman] (Yes it is!) Chef: Eric, that's enough! Cartman: Okay, okay. [Kyle raises his hand and moves his finger towards the butthole. Cartman farts again and laughs. Kyle angrily lowers his arm.] Ohh, double psych! Kyle: That's it! [walks off] I don't care about the fate of the world! Screw it! Stan: Oh, nice going, Cartman! Cartman: All right, all right, I'm sorry. Go ahead, Kyle. Kyle: No! Cartman: No, go ahead. I'm dry. Kyle: You're lying! Chef: It stopped being funny forty seconds ago, boy! Let's just get this over with! Cartman: But it was one of the best times I've ever had. Jeff: Can I see this thing, please? Cartman: Okay. [Kyle raises his hand and moves his finger towards the butthole. Cartman farts again and laughs. Kyle angrily lowers his arm.] Ohhh! God-dammit! [Cartman, Kenny, and Chef laugh] Chef: Okay. Now it's funny again. Cartman: This is so awesome. I don't think I made it out of that proctologist's office, guys. I think I died and went to heaven. Kyle: That does it! CHARGE! [drives his finger into Cartman's butthole. Cartman farts and screams as the anal probe shoot out of his ass. The probe opens up into the satellite dish and the dish sends a beam into outer space. Part of the space center is destroyed in the process] Chef: What's it doing? Jeff: It, it's sending a transmission of some kind. [sits at a console and types away] Got it! [on several screen above the keyboard, images from around the planet pop up and change every second or so.] Kyle: It's just sending images of cities and people and stuff. Chef: Where is the signal being sent to? [the signal cuts off and the anal probe shrinks back into Cartman's ass. Cartman screams as it does so.] Cartman: Ugh. I don't wanna play anymore, you guys. Kyle: We went through all that just for some gay video of Earth? Stan: We wanted to see an alien planet or something. Jeff: Whoever they are, if they're receiving messages, they might be sending them, too. Wait a minute. c-candy bars. Kyle: Candy bars? Jeff: You-you know. Candy bars. They usually come in a wrapper. Just like you... wrap a Christmas present. Christmas happens when it's cold. Cold, as in Alaska - that's... with polar bears. Polar bears... pola... polarity! I can switch the polarity to see what transmissions are coming from the location this one is being sent to! [turns around and types away on the console. The power cuts out and the center goes dark.] What the heck? [the sound of heavy ships is heard, and two bright beams light up the room. Everyone looks towards a window. Outside, a visitor walks up and looks in through one end window. A second one looks through the other end window. The windows shatter] They're coming in! [a glow appears outside a door and permeates it. The door shuts and two visitors enter. The other two come in through the window and the four of them converge on the boys, Chef, and Jeff.] Stan: What do we do??? Cartman: [steps forward and points to Jeff] It's that guy you want! He's trying to reverse your polarities! Jeff: What?? [the visitors go after Jeff, and the others make their escape] Chef: Help! Kyle: Aaaah! Runrunruuun! [the group makes it outside] Stan: Let's go! Chef: Get in the car, children! Get in the car! [they all scramble in and Chef peels away from the center. He drives down the road towards South Park. Another car appears behind then and throws up its headlights. Its horn honks a few times] Stan: [startled] What is that? Chef: Can you see anything, children? [Kyle looks back] Kyle: [turns back] The aliens are chasing us! [a close-up of the four aliens in the car behind Chef. A passenger-side visitor leans out and draws a revolver, shooting at Chef. A bullet strikes the rear window and the boys jump] Chef: God damned aliens! [the two cars move down the road with the visitors still shooting] Stan: Chef! End of the road! [several barricades are up, with STOP signs hanging on the, and one sign saying "ROAD CLOSED"] Chef: Hold on, children! [Cartman looks at the visitors] We have to ditch them! [steps on the gas pedal] Cartman: What are you doing, man?! [Chef drives towards the barricade and goes up a wooden ramp, into the air.] Narrator: [some backwoods music plays in the background in freeze-frame] Looks like them boys are gettin' a little fresh air. [the wagon lands on the other side of a pothole and continues. The visitors try the same jump, but they launch into the air and off the road, towards a chicken coop. They crash through the roof and land right in the middle of the coop. Chickens ] Kyle: [looks out and back] I think we ditched them. Chef: I don't think we're outta the woods yet. [they pass a sign saying "eat BIG PIG'S BBQ" with a pig in a white Southern suit. Behind the billboard, a police car pulls out and pursues Chef. There are two visitors in the car] Visitor Driver: Coop coop. Stan: It's the police! Chef: That ain't no police! [for some reason, two workers are moving a large glass pane across the road. Chef heads on down and crashes through it. The police cruiser follows] Cartman: When do we get to eat. I'm hungry. Stan: Chef!! [Chef sees yet another barricade and goes towards it, forcing the worker guarding it to jump out of the way/ Chef launches into the air once again. "Dixie" is heard from the car's horn. The aliens catch up to Chef and the boys and try the same jump. They end up upside down and unable to move. Chef spins the car a bit and looks back at the police cruiser] Chef: [jumps out and approaches the police car] HA! God-damned aliens! I beat you! [a beam lights up the car] Where'd you learn to drive, aliens?! Chinese auto school?! [the car begins to rise slowly] The boys: Chef! Chef! They've got us! Chef: You're lucky I didn't just turn around and beat your white skinny alien asses anyway! Maybe next time you'll remember to... [notices the weird sounds behind him and turns] Huh? [looks up to see the station wagon hovering near the entrance to the ship] Aw crap! Children! The boys: Cheeeeeeef! Narrator: [the picture freezes] Well, it looks like the boys are in more trouble than a June bug in molasses. And it's pretty thick molasses, too. Scene Description: A chamber. Stan is tied up in some green alien pod, asleep. Stan: Uh. [stirs and opens his eyes] Wugh. You guys. Wake up! [the other boys are in pods of their own] Kyle: [stirs in his own pod] What the? Where are, where are we? Stan: We're in the alien ship. Cartman: Ah. Uh! I'm trapped inside Helen Hunt's ass! [panics] Oh God, help me you guys! Kyle: It's not Helen Hunt's ass. It's an alien space ship. Cartman: [looks down] ...Oh, thank God! Well then, thank you Lord. Stan: [out of his pod] Guys. Look. [the others get out of theirs and walk towards Stan] Kyle, Cartman: Wow. [they face a massive window, through which they get a good view of Earth getting farther and farther away] Stan: My God, do you guys realize? This is only the second time we've ever been in outer space. Kyle: Yeah. Kenny: (Awesome) Cartman: This is like my fifth time. [the room brightens and two doors open at the other end of the room. The boys turn and face it] Stan: Uh oh. This must be the head alien guy. Kenny: (Oh no!) [tightens the hood on his face. The man enters... it appears to be Stan's father.] Alien: Hello boys. Stan: Dad? Alien: No, not really. I just read your mind and thought this form might be more pleasing to you. Kyle: Aw dude, don't do that. That's gay. Stan: Yeah, that's like that stupid movie, Contact. Cartman: Aw God, that movie pissed me off. Alien: Very well, I shall show my true form. [a quick transformation into a hideous monster] Rah rah rah rah rah. Rah rah rah rah. The boys: [shielding their eyes] AAAAH! Stan: Okay okay, take the form of something else! Alien: [transforms again] How's this? [the boys move their arms off their eyes to behold Santa] Cartman: Santa! Stan: Nno, that's stupid too. [Cartman looks at Stan, deflated] Alien: How about this? [transforms into Michael Jordan, Bulls form] Stan, Kyle, Cartman: No. [the alien turns into Don King] No! [then into Mr. Roarke and Tattoo] Cartman: [impressed] Oooo, very nice. Stan: No! [the alien turns into George Burns] Kyle: No! [the alien turns into J.J. Walker] Alien: Dy-no-mite! The boys: No! Scene Description: Back at the space center, day. Jeff is cleaning up after the destruction left behind by the visitors Chef: [with flashlight] Jeff!! The aliens took the children up on their ship. Jeff: Oh no! Chef: Did you find out what the aliens were up to? Jeff: When I reversed the polarities, I found this: [sits at the console and starts pressing keys. 1s and 0s flash across a screen] It's a message that the aliens are broadcasting throughout the entire universe. But I have no idea what it says. Chef: They took the children, Jeff! I have to know what those aliens are up to! Jeff: [spins around] Wait a minute! Butt sex! Chef: Butt sex? Jeff: Butt sex requires a lot of lubrication, right? Lubrication. Lubruh... Chupuh... Chupacabra's the, the goat killer of Mexican folklore. Folklore is stories from the past that are often fictionalized. Fictionalized to heighten drama. Drama students! Students at colleges usually have bicycles! Bi, bian, binary. It's binary code! [spins back and works on decoding it] Chef: Who's havin' butt sex? Scene Description: Back on the alien ship Alien: [prances as Saddam] Hello my honey, hello my baby, hello my ragtime gal! [ends on his knees, arms wide open] The boys: [getting bored] No! Alien: [transforms into Missy Elliot] Lemme search ya, gonna work ya, hepsunudupunubuh huh. The boys: No! [Stan is irritated] Alien: [transforms into Frank Sinatra] Don't piss on the moon, babe. The boys: NO! Alien: All right, earthlings, what form do you want me to take? [the boys fall silent] Cartman: How about a taco, that craps ice cream? [the alien transforms into the taco. A wad of ice cream falls out of him] Guys? Stan: I like it. Kenny: (Me too.) [the boys clap] Alien: All right, then we can get back to business. Follow me this way, earthlings. [leads the boys into another room, leaving scoops of ice cream behind, in various flavors] I want to apologize to you boys for all the spooky, scary stuff. We just needed to get to the malfunctioning uplink relay. Stan: You mean, the thing in Cartman's ass? Alien: That's right. See, there are dishes in over fifty thousand earthlings' rectums. Your friend's has been malfunctioning. Kyle: Why do you put them into people's asses? Are you planning some kind of alien takeover? Alien: Oh, heavens no! We're a production company. We make intergalactic television programs that the whole universe watches. [enters the next room] Stan: [looks back at his friends] Television? [the boys enter the next room. In that room visitors are all over the place manning the various aspects of a production company] Alien: We at Nerzod Productions started twenty billion years ago with one philosophy: the best universal television isn't scripted, it's real. [Stan and Kyle look at each other] We started with great shows like, "Who Wants To Marry A Gelgamek?" and "Antares 6 Millionaire". And then we had a big hit with "Get Me Outta Here, I'm a Klingnanian". But then of course, there's our signature show. The greatest universal reality show of all time. [he looks at a giant screen on which Earth is shown] Kyle: Earth? Alien: A few billion years ago we realized, "what if we took species from all different planets in the universe, and put them together, on the same planet?" Great TV, right? Asians, bears, ducks, Jews, deer and Hispanics, all trying to live side by side on one planet! It's great! [the boys are stunned at what they're hearing] Stan: Our planet is just a reality-TV show? Alien: Well, you don't think the whole universe works the way Earth does, do you? No! One species, one planet! There's a planet of deer, a planet of Asians, and so on! We put them all together on Earth and the whole universe tunes in to watch the fun! Kyle: You mean that you aliens actually enjoy sitting around and watching us fight and kill each other? Dude, that's messed up. Alien: Why? Stan: Why?? Because you're playing with people's lives! You're turning people's problems into entertainment! Cartman: Yeah! We'd never do that on Earth! [the boys just look at each other] Scene Description: The Convention Center, day. Jeff: Ladies and Gentleman, we have recently come across an alien transmission that is being beamed throughout the entire universe. [murmurs rise up in the audience] When decoded, it looks like this. [he begins the transmission and graphics sweep by. First, the binary code appears, then a dazzling sun behind the Earth, then a tracking shot leading to Earth, then an undernourished boy, then a caravan walking across a desert, people putting on protective glasses, an atomic blast, deer running, a couple, a time-lapse night scene, the Eiffel Tower, two men hammering at something, an ethnic festival. The sound is garbled] Man: [rising] What does it mean? Jeff: It's simple mathematical language that can be understood throughout the solar system. Translated into our language, it looks like this. [replays the transmission, this time in English] Announcer: This jannemon at eight o'clock, it's everyone's favorite show! Earth! It's been one hundred Gelganighs since we first took species from seventeen different planets and put them all together, on the same planet! Oo-derp! They've fought and fallen in love! What will happen this Galgamog? Tune in jannemon at eight to find out. It's... Earth! On Fognl! Jeff: I'm afraid that Earth, a-all of Earth, is nothing but an intergalactic reality-TV show. Man 2: My God. We're famous! [everyone stands and whoops it up] Jeff: Waaaait, you don't understand! Man 3: [giddy blond] I'm on TV! I'm on TV! Man 4: This is so awesome! [everyone clear out, cheering] Others: Woo! Yeah! Woohoo!! [Jeff is left all alone] Scene Description: Back at Nerzod Productions. Cartman is bent over once more, with his pants down. The visitors have finished working on him Alien: That should get the relay working again. [begins to walk off. The boys follow] All right, Earthlings, if you'll step over this way we'll erase your memories and get you back to Earth. [a visitor brings him a ringing phone] Oh, excuse me. [picks up the receiver] This is Nagix. Uh huh. Oh no. Oh no, really? And it's, it's for sure? All right, I'll break the news to everyone. No, no I, I understand. Thanks. [hangs up the phone and walks back to the boys] Well, you kids can go back to Earth if you want, but I'm afraid it won't be there for long. The show's been cancelled. Kyle: What?? Who cancelled us? Najix: The universal network heads. They say the Earthlings have become aware of the show, so it won't be funny anymore. [walks off to address the rest of the staff] Stan: Oh shit, did we do that? Najix: Everyone, can I have your attention real quick? Uuh, look, I just got a call from the network and I'm afraid Earth has been cancelled Staff: Awww. Najix: Now, now, it was a great run and I think we should all be really proud. [a smattering of applause] Let's call in a demolition crew to strike the Earth for resources. Stan: Wait! Wait, they they can't do this! Uh, let us talk to the network heads! Najix: Wouldn't do any good. Kyle: Dude, we have to try! Stan: Please, take us to them! Please! Najix: All right, kids, we'll take you to the network heads. But I warn you: nobody has ever gotten the executives to uncancel a show once the call has been made. Nobody. [the boys look at each other, and several more scoops of ice cream falls out of the alien's taco ass] Scene Description: Earth. A view of it from outer space. A few seconds later, an immense crane floats towards Earth with wrecking ball ready and beeper going. It stops. Two alien laborers sit inside and the driver activates the crane arm. The wrecking ball moves and strikes western Africa. A shot of people running across a bridge. The whole planet moves as if by an earthquake. Chef almost loses his balance at the space center as the ground undulates. Chef: What the hell is that?! Jeff: There's a huge ship of some kind in Earth's orbit! [schematics of the ship and of Earth appear on screen, and the impact point is shown as well] But why? Wait a minute! Chaos theory! Chef: Chaos theory?? Jeff: Chaos theory, it was, it was first thought of in the sixties. Sixty. That's the number of episodes they made of Punky Brewster before it was cancelled. Cancelled... Chef: Huh? Jeff: Don't you see? The show is over! The aliens are canceling Earth! Chef: Oh my God! We have to stop them! Scene Description: The boys walk down a futuristic sidewalk on a strange planet. Voice: Welcome to Planet Fognl, home of the Joozians, who control all media in the universe. [the boys enter the universal network headquarters] Receptionist: Can I help you? Stan: Oh, uh... we have a three o'clock meeting with the network heads? Receptionist: Where are you visiting from? Stan: Uh, Earth? Receptionist: Oooo, I watch that show all the time. [opens another set of doors and shows the boys in] Joozian 1: Gaaahahaha. [notices the boys come in] Oh, sure, come on in, Earthlings. We're just checking out our new show. Joozian 2: We took a hundred beings from the planet Marklar and put them on an asteroid with sentient beings from the Horsehead Nebula. It-it's a riot! Joozian 1: They hate each other! Joozian 2: Gah, why? [Stan nudges Kyle, who pulls a letter out from his pocket and reads] Kyle: Mighty powerful network executives Joozian 1: Oooo, I'm starving! You Earthlings have haglar yet? Joozian 2: Oh yeah, let's do haglar. Joozian 1: Where do you wanna go? Meroni's? Joozian 2: Not on a Flakmar. Too crowded. Ohhh, Blackafelch! Joozian 1: Oh, Blackafelch. Perfect. Scene Description: Blackafelch Restaurant, later. Aliens of all kinds sit and enjoy their meals. Joozian 2: This place is fantastic! Stan: Look, we just want to talk to you about the show. Kyle: Please don't cancel us. Please. Joozian 1: Oh I'm sorry, Earthlings, but you have to realize the universe is a business. Joozian 2: You've made it to a hundred episodes, you should be proud! Joozian 1: Yeah, a show should never go past a hundred episodes, or else it starts to get stale with ridiculously stupid plotlines and settings. Waitress: [another Joozian] Here's your order of gespahtgaplachfenachenblah. [sets a large platter before the executives and lifts the cover. The executives dig in] Stan: But sirs, we think our show is just getting good. [Kyle thinks about the food, then decides to taste it] I mean, we're just now starting to see people get really pissed off at each other. Kyle: Oh my God, this is great! Joozian 1: You must have some Joozian ancestry. Cartman: [miffed at the link, rests his head on his left hand] Tell us about it! Stan: Look, there's five billion people on our show. You just can't up and cancel on us. Joozian 1: Oh my God! Would you look at the heglars on that joozinek? Stan: Dude, we're trying to save our planet here?! Joozian 1: Let's take the Earthlings to a hekmubah! Joozian 2: Oh, yeah! Scene Description: A hekmabah, a Joozian strip club. A Joozinek slithers around a dance pole Joozian 1: Oh yeah, let's see those heglars! Stan: Sirs, uh, if you'll just let- Joozian 1: Oh, man, I am so wasted! [holds up a little box] Hey, do you Earthlings wanna try a little glach? [takes the box and pours out a line of purple powder. The other Joozian snorts it right up. The boys look on, saying nothing. Another line of purple powder and the first Joozian snorts up, then suddenly turns around] Agh-oh yeah!! [turns back] Oh, gluck yeah!! [Kenny begins snorting up at the other end of the line] Kyle: Kenny! [Kenny stops] Joozian 1: Meeh, screw this place! Let's go get a hotel room and a hooker! Joozian 2: Oh yeah! Joozian 1: Yeah! [they leave their chairs] Scene Description: Back on earth, the massive cranes swings at Earth again. More quakes follow and the space center is damaged some more Chef: We have to find a way to stop those aliens! Jeff: [begins pacing] Oh, their ship is massive! There's no way to stop it! [stops] Wait a minute, jackets! Chef: [smacks his hand onto his head] Oh no. Jeff: If people don't wear jackets they could get cold. A cold is caused by a virus. A viru- a computer virus! We could make a computer virus and send it to their ships to disable their computers! Chef: [thinks, then angrily] That doesn't make any God-damned sense! Scene Description: An adult hotel. The Joozians are in bed with a hooker and they begin to disrobe. Joozian 2: Ogh. Joozian 1: Oh yeah! Joozian 2: Good. Joozian 1: Oh yeah! Yeah!! [goes to take another snort of purple powder. With his shirt off, one can see two small appendages, one on each shoulder] Joozian 2: Woohoohoo! Yeah! Joozian 1: Booyagh! Boy, Earthlings, is this a party or what?? [the boys sit on a couch looking on, bored.] Joozian 2: Oh! Oh, that's it baby! You're getting my jagon hard! [the appendage on his right shoulder stiffens and lengthens] Joozian 1: [returns to the side of the bed, by the second Joozian] Wohh. Yeah, let's party! [begins to suck on the Joozian's jagon] Joozian 2: Yeah, suck my jagon! Joozian 1: [stops and releases] Yeah! Now you suck on my jagon! [the second Joozian begins to suck on his jagon] Oh yeah!! Stick your finger in my thrusher! [the second Joozian begins putting his finger into some openings above the first Joozian's waist] Oh yeah, suck it. Suck that jagon! [the boys show more interest and some astonishment] Stan: Dude, I have no idea what we're seeing right now, but I have a feeling it's really, really wrong. [Kenny whips out a camera and takes a picture] Joozian 1: [the other Joozian continues sucking on his jagon] Oh yes!! Oh yeah yeahyeah! Oh yeah! Scene Description: Back at universal network headquarters. The Joozians have ice packs on their heads, recovering from the raunch they experienced the night before Joozian 2: Oh, God. Eh eh, my head. [the four boys look on] What did we do? Joozian 1: Oh man, I can't believe I sucked your jagon. Joozian 2: Oh God, we did suck each other's jagons! You kids won't tell anybody about this, right?? Cartman: No. Stan: [glances at Cartman and quickly thinks] No, wait. We won't tell anybody, if you don't cancel our show! Joozian 1: Oooo, I knew that was coming. Joozian 2: They really got us by the nezmins. Kyle: The Earth show can still be good. Just erase everyone's memory so we don't know we're a show. Stan: I'm sure you'll see that if you give our world time, it will become even more outrageous and violent. Cartman: There's even World War Three to look forward to. Kyle: And then we won't have to show anybody the picture Kenny has of you guys sucking each other's jagons. Joozian 1: He-all right, all right Earthlings! Ya, you win! The show can stay on. The boys: All right! Joozian 1: Just be sure to keep up the wars and violence. Joozian 2: Well, we've got a five o'clock with the Yurka producers. [still disheveled, he hops off his chair and goes to a lever] Nice meeting you Earthlings. Bye! [pulls the lever down and in an instant the boys are back at the bus stop] Scene Description: The bus stop, day. Kenny is missing. Cartman: [yawns] Uuugh. Kyle: Whoa Cartman. Looks like you didn't get much sleep last night. Cartman: That's because I was having these bogus nightmares all night long. Kenny: [walks up with something in his hand] (Hey you guys, look.) [the other boys look] Kyle: What the hell is that? Kenny: (I don't know.) Chef: [drives up in his station wagon and steps out] Hello there, children! The boys: Hey Chef. [Chef steps behind the boys] Stan: Chef, Kenny has a picture of two green things sucking each other's shoulders. [Chef takes a look at the picture of the two Joozians sucking each other's jagons] Cartman: What is it, Chef? Chef: I don't know. But something tells me this picture might be very important, children. [hands the picture back to Kenny] You should hang on to it. Scene Description: TV spot Announcer: Attention universe! Be sure to tune in next week for another exciting episode of... Earth! The Asians [crowd scene] are reeeally steamed at the Russians [crossing a bridge]. The zebras try to get along with the buffalo. [composite shot] And Americans [walking the dog] and Iraqis [dancing] have an all-out brawl. [Saddam is shown] It's outrageous fun and it's all new! Earth! On Fognl.

Scene Description: South Park, day. Now showing at the South Park Community Theatre. Fanfare begins with a drumroll, a spotlight hits its mark on stage and an announcer speaks Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, give it up for JIMMY! [the curtains part and Jimmy walks forward wearing a tuxedo] Thank you! Wow. What a terrific audience. [the curtains close behind him] I know what most of you are thinking. "Hey, uh-that guy stole my show..." [long pause] Wow, what a great audience. And how about this Michael Jackson guy, huh? I mean, come on... [long pause] Wow, what a great audience. [the soft sound of one person clapping is heard] Uh... l... lights, please? [the house lights click on and only one person is seen in the seats: Butters] Butters: Hey Jimmy. Jimmy: Butters, w-where is everybody? Butters: Oh yeah, well, about that... Christopher Reeve came to town to do some kind of show, and everyone went to see him. Jimmy: Christopher Reeve? Christopher Reeve?! Butters: You know, Christopher Reeve, the guy who played Superman. Jimmy: I know who he is! But why is everyone ditching my comedy show to see him?! Butters: Ww-well, because he got crippled, but now he can move his finger. He is an inspiration to us all. That's why everyone ditched on your show. Jimmy: So then, how come you came? Butters: Well, because I said I would. Oh, I'm a dork, huh? [Jimmy stews on stage] Scene Description: Kenny McCormick Memorial Town Square. Mayor McDaniels is on stage with her aides. Above them a banner reads "STEM CELL RESEARCH." A crowd of people has formed in front of the stage Mayor McDaniels: And so without further ado, here's the most courageous, most amazing man on the planet, Christopher Reeve. [everyone claps and the curtains open. The mayor and her aides step aside. Christopher Reeve rolls out towards the mic. Jimmy shows up to watch.] Reeve: Thank you, thank you, wow, what a great audience. [stops to catch his breath with a fixed smile in place] I just flew into South Park. [catches his breath] Used to be I didn't need an airplane. Townspeople: Awwwww. [a smattering of applause] Reeve: As most of you know, [catches his breath] I am a strong supporter of stem-cell research. Jimmy: Say, fellas! Thanks a lot for goin' to my ...c-comedy show! ["It is a proven fact that stem-cell research"] Cartman: We didn't go to your comedy show. Jimmy: I know that, I was being f-f-f-fa...cetious! ["can add many years to the lives of people who have been disabled by accidents"] Stan: Look, dude. Christopher Reeve, dude. ["or other ways."] Jimmy: Ooh, Christopher Reeve! Whoop-de-freakin-do! Kyle: Dude, that's not cool. You shouldn't make fun of Christopher Reeve. Stan: Yeah dude, not cool. Reeve: Though it is controversial, [catches his breath] stem cell research is critical [catches his breath] in the quest for helping [catches his breath] the disabled. Jimmy: I put together a comedy show and I was crippled from BIRTH! [waddles off in a huff] Stan: Uh, hoo. Guys, I think we'd better stay out of this one. Kyle: Yeah, this is starting to look like something we shouldn't be any part of. Let's go play with trucks or something. [they turn right and trot off] Timmy: Ha-a-aaa-haaa-a. Jimmy: [approaching] Can you believe this asswipe, Timmy? Timmy: Timmeh!! Jimmy: Why is a celebrity who became crippled more important than us that were born that way, very much. Timmy: Rrruh Timmeh! Reeve: In the coming days [catches his breath] I will prove to the world [catches his breath] that stem-cell research is a miracle. Scene Description: The bus stop, day. The boys are on the snow playing with their trucks.] Cartman: Beep beep beep. Move it, Kenny! Beep. Jimmy: Hey there fellas. Stan: Oh hey Jimmy, hey Timmy. Timmy: Timmih!! Jimmy: Say, would you guys like to join our club? Oh, I'm sorry. You can't. You aren't crippled. [start laughing. The boys go back to playing with their trucks.] Kyle: What? Jimmy: To be in our club, not only do you have to be c-c-crippled, but you have to have been born that way. Do you know what that means? No butthole Superman asswipe Christopher Reeve! Stan: That's nice, guys. We're just gonna stay out of this one. [Jimmy and Timmy turn and walk away] Cartman: [jumps up and catches up to them] Hey, wait a minute! [Timmy and Jimmy stop] You guys can't just start a club and tell me I can't be in it! Jimmy: Sorry, able-bodied, you can't join. Cartman: Can too! Jimmy: [turns to Timmy] Hey Timmy. How many able-bodied people does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. [begins to laugh. Timmy begins to laugh as well] You know what you call an able-bodied guy on the doorstep? Whatever his name is. [Jimmy and Timmy laugh, and walk away laughing] Cartman: Oh God-damnit!! Kyle: Cartman, just stay out of it. Cartman: But they say I can't be in their club!! Stan: Cartman, trust me. [Kenny pushes his own truck away] We don't want any part in this one. Scene Description: "The T-shirt Factory", later. Timmy and Jimmy walk up to it and enter Jimmy: Hello, Mr. McGillicuuhuhuhh... Mr. McGillicuddy. [Timmy has a box on his lap] McGillicuddy: Hello, boys. What can I do for you? Jimmy: [takes the box from Timmy] Timmy and I made a ...T-shirt design for our new club. [Timmy beams with delight] We just came up with a name this morning. [McGillicuddy opens the box, pulls out the shirt, and his jaw drops. The shirt reads, "THE CRIPS"] McGillicuddy: Uh... boys, I don't think you wanna wear these shirts Jimmy: Why not? McGillicuddy: Well, because there already is a group that calls themselves the Crips, and I don't think they'd like it too much. Jimmy: [stunned] ...There's already a Crips?! McGillicuddy: Well, sure, they're all over at Five Points area in Denver. You've never heard of them? Jimmy: No, we never have. Are they crippled from birth or are they cripple wannabes like Christopher Reeve? McGillicuddy: ...Oh, I am stayin' out of this one. [leaves the counter] Scene Description: "The T-shirt Factory", outside. The doors open and Jimmy and Timmy exit Jimmy: Can you believe it, Timmy? All this time there was a group for truly crippled people like ourselves, and we didn't know it. Timmy: [excited] Timmmeh! Jimmy: Come on. We have to take the bus to Five Points in Denver. Scene Description: The Larry King Show on HNN, on air. King: My guest tonight is the brilliant star of stage and screen, Mr. Christopher Reeve, who, with the help of stem-cell research, is now able to move his arms. Reeve: Thanks for having me on again, Larry. King: All right. Chris, the whole world is waiting. Why don't you show us what stem-cell research has done for you. [with that fixed grin, Reeve strains to lift his right arm a few inches, then sets it down again.] Amazing. Isn't that amazing, folks? Now, Chris, there're some people who say stem-cell research is wrong, that taking cells from a fetus is... unethical. Reeve: Well, it just proves that the public needs to be educated [catches his breath] about stem-cell research. See, the stem cells from a fetus like this one [pulls a dead fetus up from an unseen container] can form into whatever cells of the body are damaged. They are the most powerful thing on the planet. King: And how does someone like yourself make use of the stem cells, Chris? Reeve: Well, it's very simple. [takes the fetus and cracks it open like a coconut, then sucks out its contents and tosses it aside] And now you can see, my arms have better movement. King: Wow. [begins clapping] Wow. Scene Description: Five Points, Denver. A bum pushes a cart full of his belongings past Denver Meat Packing, a rundown warehouse. Sirens, gunshots, and a woman's screams are heard. Jimmy: Excuse me, sir. [the bum stops, startled] we're looking for a group of people called the Crips. Bum: You are? Jimmy: Do you know where they meet? We've already tried the rec center and the library. Bum: The Crips hang out at that old warehouse down there, [points to the building he just passed] but ...nobody goes in there. Jimmy: [moves forward] Oh, it's okay. We're Crips ourselves. Come on, Tim-Tim. Timmy: Timmmih! [follows] Scene Description: Denver Meat Packing, inside. The music is thumping, there's gambling and general conversation going on. Jimmy and Timmy walks in. Jimmy: Well hello everyone. [music abruptly stops] I'm Jim Swanson, and this is my friend Timmy. Timmy: Timmmih! [awkward silence, then softly] Tih... ti-timmih. Jimmy: [to a friend at left, as he points to the duo] Well, let us tell you a little bit about ourselves. Timmy and I are both true Crips, born and raised. We're the only Crips in South Park, where we live, and we would love to join your fa-fa-fabtasitc Denver chapter. Large Crip: Is they for real, manh? Jimmy: We just have one question before we join your c-club. Do you think it's better to be born a Crip, or to become a Crip later by accident? Braided Crip: The only Crips is born Crips, dawg. Tall Crip: Yeah, you can't become a Crip by accident, fool! Jimmy: I agree. I mean, it's like [enunciates] "come on"! Why do these people who become crippled later in life think they're such great pot-potatuhs? Timmy: Timmih! [silence] Jimmy: Well, we're glad you see it our way, fellas. So can we join your g... group? Buff Crip: All right, you wanna thug with the Five Point Crips? Bitches, all you gotta do is pop some punk-ass Bloods. Jimmy: Well, sure. Tim and I would love to pop some punk-ass Bloods. We're terrific at it. Timmy: Timmih? Jimmy: [turns and answers softly] I don't know, Timmy, just play along. Timmy: Uh-tu-Timmih! Buff Crip: So you sayin' yuh down? Jimmy: Down like a clown, Charlie Br... Down like a clown, Charlie B-broooowww... Down like a clown, Charlie Browh... Bro-uh-own. Down like a clown, Charlie Br-Brown. [music starts up again, and Timmy and Jimmy leave. As they walk down the street a rap song plays] Jimmy: Say Timmy, did you notice that all the crippled people in that club are negros? Timmy: Timmih! Jimmy: That's an amm-mmazing coincidence. I mean, there's not one crippled colored person in South Park. [as they walk, a police car rolls up and the passenger-side officer calls out] Officer: Hey you kids. Jimmy: [stops and looks] Well hello, officers. Officer: What the hell do you think you're doin'? Jimmy: We're goin' to pop some punk-ass Bloods. Timmy: Timmih! [the officers simply look at each other and drive off.] Jimmy: [sees something] Look, Timmy. There's a convenience store. ["Ribs N Gass." A lot of gang members are milling around in front of the store] That must be what the fellas meant by "pop some punk-ass Bloods." They want us to get them some soda pop and treats. [the gang members notice them coming and stop to look. They cross the street] Let's buy them ginger ale and marshmallows. Then they'll let us in the club for sure. Timmy: Oh, Timmih. [a truck appears in the distance and comes up fast.] Driver: [noticing almost too late] Oh shit! [swerves to avoid the duo and slams into the convenience store they were trying to reach. The store and truck go up in a ball of flames while Jimmy and Timmy stop in their tracks] Jimmy: Suh, suh, suh, suh, Sssunday driver! Scene Description: Back at Denver Meat Packing, night. Jimmy and Timmy are back at the warehouse. Buff Crip: Yo yo, listen up y'all! Let me tell you about my little Gs, Roller and 4 Legs here. They just smoked thirteen Bloods in one night! Crip 1: One night? Crip 2: You're kiddin'? You're kiddin'? One night? Buff Crip: That ain't never been done before! 58 Crip: And they got us marshmallows and ginger ale. Crips: [chattering] Uh huh. Cool. He's right. Jimmy: So does that mean we can join the c-c...club? Buff Crip: You're not just in, you're the baddest mofo Crips in town! Cipac! [a Crip steps forward] Turn up the beat so we can celebrate our new Gs Five-Points style! Cipac: All right. [hobbles off] Jimmy: Wow, these guys really are crippled. [the music starts up and the Crips start dancing] Timmy, I have a feeling that this is the start of something b-b-b-b...b-b-brilliant. Timmy: Timmih! Scene Description: Jimmy's home. A car drives up and drops off Timmy and Jimmy. The occupants are Crips. Jimmy: Thanks for the ride home, fellas. We sure had a ...terrific time. Cipac: Alrighty. Keep it real, dawg. Jimmy: You dawgs keep it real, too. [Cipac flashes the Crips signs for "West Coast Crips" and the boys return the gesture] Timmy: Timmih! [the Crips drive off] Jimmy: Well, that sure was a terrific time. Let's go all around tomorrow and show everyone our new outfits, Timmy. Timmy: Timmih! [Jimmy goes on home as Timmy rolls off] Scene Description: Jimmy's house, inside. His parents sit before the TV, his mom worried. Mom: [jumps up] There you are, Jimmy! Jimmy: Whatup, Mazie? Ye-yo, Pops? Pops: Jimmy, your mother was gettin' worried about you. Jimmy: No need to worry about me. I'm cool like a fool in a swimming ppp-ppp-pp-pp-pool. [turns and hobbles off] Scene Description: Outside, somewhere, day. A reporter begins speaking to the camera. Reporter: Tom, I'm standing out front of the Stem Cell Research Facility with terrific news. Christopher Reeve, who was once paralyzed, claims that he can now stand. Reeve: [flanked by two doctors, one of them carrying a medical organ cooler] Thank you everyone. [pulls out a fetus from the cooler and holds it in his left hand] To most people, this is just an ordinary fetus. But to people like me, [lifts it into the air] it's hope. [snaps it open as before and sucks out its juices.] Crowd: Uugh. Scene Description: Reeve tosses the carcass away, then he drops his feet to the floor, then he slowly rises from his wheelchair and raises his arms in victory. The crowd oooos and ahhhs. Mr. Garrison: [arm around Mr. Slave] What an inspiration. Reporter: Tom, many celebrities have spoken out in protest of stem-cell research, but, after seeing this, how can they protest now? [Reeve takes out another fetus and sucks it dry. Stan and the boys walk by] Stan: [admonishing] Stay clear, guys, stay clear. Kyle: Yup. I'm not seeing anything. Scene Description: City Wok, day. Mr. Kim is wiping the counter down. Timmy and Jimmy enter dressed in their Crip outfits. Mr. Kim: Hey [studies the boys before him, then holds up his arms] Hey, I don't want no trouble! Jimmy: Hello. We'd like two orders of Kung... Pao Chicken, please. Mr. Kim: I don't want no trouble! You just... take what you want and leave! Timmy: Timmih! Mr. Kim: [as if Timmy had barked an order] OH! Okay, okay! [steps to the cash register and opens it] I open register Timmy: Timmih! Jimmy: What's that? Oh, and one medium lemonade, please. Timmy: Timmih. Mr. Kim: [pulls out a stack of bills and sets them on the counter, then holds his arms up again] Here. Here one hundred twelve dorrar! It's all I have. Yeh take! Jimmy: [confused] Huh? Mr. Kim: You take! Uh one hundred twelve dorrar! Jimmy: Ah- are you sure? Mr. Kim: I no want no trouble. Just take it and leave! Jimmy: [approaches the counter. Mr. Kim goes about preparing the food order] Well gee, that's really nice of you, Mr. ...Chinese person. [gets the money and shows it to Timmy] Look Tim-Tim, we got a cash prize. We must be the ...one hundredth customer or something. Mr. Kim: Here! Here two order of Kung Pao Chicken, and small ice tea! Jimmy: Actually, it was a regular lemonade. Mr. Kim: [mortified at his error] AAAAAGH-agh!! [bows] I sorry! I sorry! I no want no trouble. [reaches for a cup and prepares a regular lemonade] Here. Remonade. [sets it on the counter. Jimmy reaches for it] Now go, just go! Jimmy: Gee, thanks a lot. See you next time. Timmy: [smiles] Timmih! Mr. Kim: [soon lowers his arms and places a call] Hello! Police? I've just been robbed by two gang members! Scene Description: Jimmy's house, later. His parents are standing by the kitchen's breakfast nook sipping coffee. A door opens in the living room, then closes. Pops: Jimmy? Jimmy, could you come into the kitchen please? Jimmy: [enters] Yo, Mamsie. What's up, Pops? Pops: Uh have a seat, Jim. Your mother and I need to talk to you. [Jimmy approaches a chair and struggles to climb up on it. He gets no help from his parents. He succeeds in climbing the chair, then in sitting upright. He settles down.] Son, your mother and I have noticed a change in your behavior. And... we're worried that you might be involved in a gang. Jimmy: A what? Oh, you mean the fellas. Well sure. But I can't talk about the club on account of its sssuper secret, dawg. Mamsie: Then it's true! Oh, Ryan, it's true! [buries her face in Ryan's chest and sobs uncontrollably] Jimmy: Why you be trippin', Mom? I mean [enunciates the nest two words] come on. I'm finally a part of something, very much. Ryan: Jimmy, those people you're hanging out with are no good. Jimmy: Yo, don't be dissing my n***as, dawg. They're my f-friends. Mamsie: And what about your standup comedy, Jim, huh? Are you just giving up on that, too? Jimmy: [now naturally] Nobody cared about my standup comedy! All that hard work just to be outshined by C-Christopher Reeve the super b-butthole! Ryan: Uh Jimmy, we've told you before. God made you the way he did for a reason! Jimmy: Right. Because you and Mom used to make fun of crippled kids in high school. Ryan: That's right. You were sent here through the vengeful and angry hand of God to teach your mother and I a lesson. And that's a big responsibility, son. Jimmy: Look! My gang, which I can't talk about because it's super secret, is the most important thing to me now! And if you two don't like it, you can just pass the blunt to the n***a on your left. [hops off the chair and ambles off. His mom sobs again. Ryan holds her] Scene Description: A darkened lab. Christopher Reeve is pacing back and forth, having a headache. Reeve: Where's that delivery of new fetuses?! Feeling weak again. Aide: [rushes in with a fresh delivery] Here's the new shipment, sir. [Reeve lunges for the box and rips it out of the aide's hands, pushing the aide away] Hey! [Reeve tears into the box, opens the cooler, grabs a fetus, and starts sucking its juices out. A few seconds later, a door at the far wall opens] Man: Hello there, Christopher. [Reeve is upset that he's been disturbed, but turns around and turns pleasant] Reeve: Well, well, Gene Hackman, my nemesis from the movies. How are you? Hackman: I'm good. You? Reeve: I am better with each passing day. [turns around and pulls out another fetus] Stronger and more agile. [sucks its juices out as Hackman looks on] Hackman: Christopher, I've come to ask you to stop what you're doing? Reeve: [with fetus still on his lips] What? Hackman: Using stem cells is like playing God. You should leave nature alone. Reeve: And go back to the way I was? Is that what you're saying, Hackman? Hackman: I'm saying that sometimes you need to just live with the cards you're dealt, Christopher. Reeve: [raises his arms in a fit of rage, then turns away] Stop calling me Christopher! That name no longer has meaning to me! Christopher was someone who lived in a wheelchair! Always being pushed around by others! The old Christopher Reeve is dead! From now on, I am... [looks back menacingly] Chris! Scene Description: Jimmy's house, night, living room. He sits on the floor between the couch and the coffee table working on a jigsaw puzzle. Jimmy: Sixty-five... bottles of... beer on the wall. Six- [outside, a car rolls up to the house slowly. Four Bloods look at the house, all of them with masks on] Blood: [front passenger side] Payback time, mothafucka! [the Bloods starts spraying the house with bullets] Jimmy: [looks around as the bullets tear up the windows] Jesus Christ! [dives to the floor and crawls to the other side of the table, then rises up.] Holy G...guacamole! [the bullets start tearing up the couch and the front door. Jimmy dives to the floor, then rises up a few seconds later.] Freakin' Frijoles! [dives to the floor again. The front door is gone and the couch's stuffing is all over the place. Its springs pop out. The right-side portrait next to the door falls. The bullets stop, and Jimmy rises once again] Leapin' L-langosta. [the left-side portrait falls] Blood: East Side Bloods! [the Bloods drop back into their car and peel off. Some time later, Officer Barbrady and his men show up to take reports and check out the crime scene. Timmy has returned to be with Jimmy. Two people walk up to the Swansons] Hyde: We're Detectives Hyde and Richardson from the Special Gang unit in Denver. Jimmy: Any word on who shot up me and Timmy's houses, officer? Richardson: Word on the street is it was a retaliation hit by the Bloods. Jimmy: The... B-Bloods? Hyde: You know, smart-mouth! Your rival gang! The Bloods are at war with the Crips, they kill each other all the time! Jimmy: The-they do?? Richardson: Don't act like you don't know, you lil' punk! The Crips and Bloods hate each other, and if you stay in that gang, you're gonna end up dead too. Jimmy: But... but why do they hate each other? Hyde: Look kid, I used to be a Crip myself, but I'm not anymore! Jimmy: Oh, so you used ssstemm cells like Christopher Reeve? Hyde: [realizes this conversation is fruitless] Come on. The only way these kids are gonna get out of their gang is get killed. [the detectives leave. Jim's mom begins to sob and then runs into the house.] Ryan: [follows her in] Sarah! Jimmy: [begins to pace before Timmy] Oh boy, Timmy, we should have never started a gang for people crippled from birth. Now they're at war with the people who are crippled from an accident. Boy were we wrong. Timmy: [agreeing] Tim-mih. Jimmy: Wow, w-we've got to do something, Timmy. We've gotta get the Crips and Bloods to s-stop fighting. I bet if we could just get them together... but how? Wu-wait a minute! I've got it! A lock-in at the rec center! We did it for our church once. All we do is rent out the rec center overnight. They lock the doors so nobody can leave, and then everyone has the whole night to play in the swimming pool and laugh and talk. Timmy: Timmih!! Jimmy: You get all the Crips you can to the rec center tomorrow night, Timmy. And I'll try to get all the ...Bloods there. Timmy: Timmih!! Jimmy: This is gonna be t-terrific! Scene Description: South Park, next day, in front of Tom's Rhinoplasty. Reporter: [same as before] Tom, several years ago, actor Christopher Reeve had a horrible accident and was paralyzed. The irony, of course, is that the man who played Superman could no longer walk. America watched in wonder as he managed to move one of his fingers, then his arms. And now, seen for the first time on HBC, Christopher Reeve is going to lift a truck up over his head. [Christopher walks over to a green truck and lifts the front end up over his head. The crowd oohs and claps for him] Randy: Oh, what a fighter. Gerald: That brave, brave man. Liane: He's an inspiration to us all. Reporter: Tom, the irony is even more irony-y as it appears that the stem cells have given Christopher Reeve almost superhuman strength. Hackman: [appears with a crowd of people] Chris, that's enough! Reeve: [looks at Hackman and drops the truck] Hello, Gene! So good to see you! Hackman: You're cured, Chris. It's time to stop using stem cells. Reeve: Stem-cell research has made me stronger than I ever thought possible! Why stop now?! Reporter: Uh Tom, apparently, Gene Hackman, the man who played Superman's enemy Lex Luthor in the movies, has now shown up as a celebrity protester of stem-cell research. If that isn't ironic, Tom, I don't know what is. Hackman: They're affecting your mind, Chris. If you won't stop using stem cells, then we'll stop you! Reeve: Stop me?! Stop me?! HA!! [reaches over, picks up the truck clear over his head, and throws it at Hackman. Hackman and his crowd jump clear of the truck's path, screaming. The truck lands upside down where the crown stood. Reeve then runs down the street and onto a car] You won't stop me, Hack Man! [runs off the truck and jumps away maniacally] Ha HA! Ha HA! Ha haa haa! [jumps higher and higher until he clears buildings with each jump] Ya ha ha! Yaa haha! Reporter: Tom, if irony were made of strawberries, we'd all be drinking a lot of smoothies right now. Scene Description: Denver Recreation Center, night. Gang members file through the doors. Jimmy and Timmy greet everyone at the door. Timmy is disguised as Groucho Marx, Jimmy wears a ten-gallon hat. Jimmy: Come on in, everybody. Lots of su-surprises and t-treats inside. [the last of the guests enter] Great to see you all. What a terrific audience. Janitor: [an elderly man soon exits] Are you sure you got everything you need, young man? Jimmy: We sure do. Thanks, Mr. Apple...b-by. Mr. Appleby: Just remember to make sure the kids play safe in the pool area. Jimmy: You bet. [he and Timmy move around him and into the center] Mr. Appleby: I'll be back at seven to let you out. You kids have a good time. Jimmy: Oh, we will. [Mr. Appleby closes the door and locks it.] Scene Description: Denver Recreation Center, inside. A group of Bloods enter the gym and stop in their tracks. At the other end of the gym is a group of Crips, seated on some bleachers behind a basketball hoop. The Crips stand in reply. Buff Crip: The Bloods! Blood 1: Oh shit! It's a trap! Blood 2: Muthafuckin Crips tryin' to smoke us all out! Crip: What the hell is goin' on here? [Jimmy and Timmy step into the middle ground between the two gangs] Jimmy: It's called a lock-in at the rec center. We can use all the rec center facilities. We can play basketball, go swimming, or even just kick it in the lounge area with some games and ...p-puzzles. Timmy: Timmih! Jimmy: But nobody can leave until it's seven a.m., so if you wanna have a good time, you're all just gonna have to learn to get along. [immediately, both sides draw weapons and aim them at each other. Once all the weapons are out...] Theeerrre's pizzaaa. Scene Description: Nighttime, near the city. The reporter stands next to a man-made lake. Reporter: Tom, over five years ago, doctors told Christopher Reeve that he would never walk again, but the resilient actor fought back, struggled against all odds, and has now built his very own Legion of Doom! [Its headquarters now appears behind him] The once immobile Mr. Reeve's new organization will be committed to world domination and evil. What an inspirational story, Tom. Scene Description: Legion of Doom Headquarters, inside. Christopher Reeve is standing before a group of villains, both real and imagined. Reeve: I have chosen each member of this elite group of supervillains for their outstanding treachery, [Osama bin Laden and Dr. Doom are shown, then Blank Manta and Saddam Hussein] Their desire for world conquest, [Cheetah, Kim Jong-il, and David Blaine are shown] and their hatred of all things good! [Professor Chaos is shown] And I've assembled this group for one purpose! To once and for all find a way to... [the picture behind him changes from a fist smashing Earth to a picture of Gene Hackman] get rid of Hack Man!! [laughs maniacally for effect, but no other villain moves] Dr. Doom: Uhhh, how about domination of the world? Saddam Hussein: Yeah. Or uh, death to the infidels? Reeve: Silence! OUR job is to see to it that Hack Man is put out of commission. Professor Chaos: Oh boy, General Disarray, may- maybe we just oughtta stay outta this one. Hackman: [bursts through the doors with his supporters] Not so fast, Chris! Reeve: [sucking on yet another fetus] Hack Man! Hackman: We just helped pass a ban on stem-cell research. Your fetus-sucking days are over! Reeve: No... [grabs his head in frustration] NOOOO! Hackman: And now we're going to put you somewhere where you can never touch another fetus again! Scene Description: Denver Recreation Center, inside. The Bloods and Crips challenge each other. Buff Crip: You stupid mofos are dead! Blood 3: Make the first shot, punk! Jimmy: Hold it! Don't you see? It doesn't matter if we were crippled from birth, or crippled in an accident. We're all brothers. Blood 4: Save it, fool! Crips ain't our brothers! [the atmosphere grows tense] Jimmy: Look, we have the whole rec room to ourselves. Can't we all just try having some fun together? 58 Crip: You talkin' crazy, dawg. Blood 5: Yeah, we ain't playin', sucka! Jimmy: Why don't we at least give it a chance? I mean, [enunciates] Come on! [several tense seconds pass] Buff Crip: Wait a minute. What did you say? Jimmy: I said, "I mean, [enunciates] Come on!" Blood 4: You know, maybe he's right. I mean, [enunciates] Come on! Jimmy: [enunciates] Come on. Buff Crip: I guess we could at least give havin' fun together a try. It's like [enunciates] Come on. Blood 6: Yeah. Come on. Crip 2: Yeah, that's right. Come on. Jimmy: Come on. Someone: Come on. All: [in agreement] Yeah, that's right. Come on. [moments later rap music is playing, gang members gather in the pool and one prepares for a dive. In the gym gang members play basketball without arguing. One of them dances along the foul line. In another room gang members play pool. The camera stops at Jimmy and three members - two Crips and one Blood] Buff Crip: I've gotta give you two dawgs props for puttin' an end to all this hate. Jimmy: I told you, lock-ins at the rec center always work. And you know, I've learned something, too. I was player-hatin' Christopher Butthole Reeve because he got more attention than me. But just like... y-you guys, I need to learn to control my a... anger. Blood: Right on! Crip: [walks up to Timmy] Hey little roller, try some of this chronic shit. Timmy: Timmih! [takes a hit. Both Crips and Bloods laugh] Jimmy: I guess we all learned that trying to get along is way better than p... player hatin'. [a song begins, and Jimmy approaches the camera] The gang wrote a song about it. Why don't we listen in? Gang Members: It used to be that Crips and Bloods didn't get along, But now we're all a family, so we wrote this song. Naaa na naaa, Crips and Bloods. Naaa na naaa, hope and love. Naaa na naaa, friendly thugs. Scene Description: Outer space. Christopher Reeve is flung into space in a pane of glass. Reeve: You haven't seen the last of me, Hack Man! I will be back!! Scene Description: The woods near South Park, night. Stan and friends watch the celestial spectacle. Stan: Dude, I am so glad we stayed out of that one. Kyle: Me too.

Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. A new classroom. As the camera follows a new teacher around, the following kids are seen working with clay. Clyde presses the pottery wheel pedal as Bebe molds a vase on the wheel. Wendy watches. Tweek, Red, and Pip work on clay on the table near the wall. In the foreground, Token presses the pottery wheel pedal as Annie molds a vase. Butters, Kevin, and Francis work on their own projects. Kenny, Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are laughing at their project, which didn't require the use of the pottery wheel. Teacher: [walks through the class] Okay. Good, children, good. Remember to feel the clay. Be one with the clay. Nice. Uh huh. [the boys still laugh at their monument] Cartman: [laughing] Put more clay on the balls. Teacher: [noticing] Boys! [they stop laughing as she points] What is that? Kyle: A reindeer? Teacher: You know, I've had it! You four boys never take art class seriously! Cartman: [retorts] What a crime. [the three others chuckle, then laugh out loud] Teacher: [displeased, with arms crossed] You think art is not important? Stan: Weelll, art is just kinda... for gaywads. Butters: [pipes up] I love art class! Stan: See? Teacher: [reaches for their creation and grabs it by the shaft] Do you think this is funny?! [shakes it around for effect] Do you think this is funny, huh?! [ends up looking at the head, as if she's about to suck on it. The boys cover their mouths to hold their laughter, knowing how she looks with their creation like that, but soon they burst out laughing. The teacher now cradles the project] Well, you four can just spend your afternoon after school here making new pottery! [the laughter stops and the boys' jaws drop.] Cartman: You can't do that! Teacher: I certainly can! I'm your teacher! Cartman: You're an art teacher! Teacher: Make it two hours! Scene Description: Cut to after school. The art teacher sits at her desk watching the boys work on a proper vase on the pottery wheel. Kyle is pressing the pedal. The boys are angry at their teacher Stan: Mrs. Streibel thinks she's so cool! Kyle: How dare she talk to us like that?! Kenny: (Yeah, how the fuck is that?!) Cartman: We can't let her get away with this! [voicing dropping to almost a whisper] I think tonight we need to do something drastic. Stan: Like what? Cartman: Like find out where Mrs. Streibel lives, and go over there, and... TP her house. Kenny: (Yeah!) Kyle: TP her house? Cartman: Toilet paper! Cover her house in toilet paper. Kyle: Oh. Cartman: [sensing Kyle's reluctance] What's the matter, Kyle? You chicken? [begins strutting like a chicken and making chicken noises. Kyle kicks Cartman in the balls in anger] Ugh! [drops to his knees, then gets one leg up] Teacher: Quiet, boys. This isn't playtime, you're being punished! Stan: [glares back at her, then softly] Fine! But we'll have the last laugh tonight, artwhore! Cartman: [in pain] Yeah! Payback time, you ugly skank! Scene Description: Henry's Supermarket, day. A woman watches her son ride in a coin-operated ride outside the store. Inside, the four boys approach checkout line 3 with two carts stacked high with packages of Kush Tush toilet paper. Stan: D'you think that's enough? Cartman: Should be fine. Kyle: Don't you guys think this is a little suspicious? We should buy something else so it doesn't look obvious. Cartman: Okay. [reaches behind the other boys and grabs something] Here we go, pack of chewing gum. [tosses it into the first cart. They approach the cash register] Cashier: Hello boys. Find everything you need? Cartman: Yep. All set. Cashier: [begins scanning the packages] Mkay', let's see here. Toilet paper ["beep" $1.50 for a four-pack] Toilet paper ["beep"] Toilet paper ["beep"] Toilet paper ["beep"] Toilet paper ["beep"] So, what are you kids up to tonight? ["beep"] Cartman: Oh, we're just gonna watch some TV, maybe play a board game. Cashier: Nice relaxing night at home, huh? Toilet paper ["beep"] Toilet paper ["beep"] Aaand toilet paper ["beep." He picks up the gum] Eh, hey. [holds up the gum] Now you kids be careful with this chewing gum. Don't go sticking it under tables. Stan: Okay Cashier: Okay. Toilet paper ["beep"] Toilet paper ["beep"] Toilet paper ["beep."] You know, son, I remember you comin' in last week and buying this much toilet paper. ["beep"] Cartman: Heh yeah, that that's right. Cashier: ... Toilet paper ["beep"] Toilet paper ["beep"] Kyle: You TP'ed a house last week, Cartman? Cartman: No. Last Thursday night was fajitas night. Kyle: Oh. [flashes disgust] Uuugh. Scene Description: Mrs. Streibel's house, later, that night. The boys walk up to the house carrying black trash bags of toilet paper. Stan: Is this the right house? Cartman: It's the right address-wait! Look there! [the teacher prepares the dining-room table] There's Mrs. Streibel! This is the place. [loosens the drawstring on his back and lets the sides fall away. In the dining room, a boy and girl arrive and sit at table] Kyle: Oh wait, wait, there's kids inside. Cartman: So? Kyle: So we're not TP'ing a house with kids inside it! Stan: Kyle, we all agreed to do this! Kyle: We didn't say nothin' about no kids, man! Cartman: Kyle, you're being an asshole! Now let's do this thing and get out of m'yeah. [takes out a roll and advances a bit] Here's what I think of your art class, you God-damned bitch! [unleashes the first roll] Kenny: (Yeah! Fuck you!) Scene Description: Majestic music plays as Kenny unleashes his roll. Stan unleashes a roll. Cartman tosses off another one and grins. More rolls of paper fly onto the roof. Kyle tosses up a roll, unsure of doing so. Stan unleashes another one, and his glee is unabashed. Kenny tosses off another one. More and more rolls fly over the roof. Kyle freezes in awe of their vandalism. Toilet paper covers the house, the garage, and the trees around the house. The boys head for the sidewalk. Cartman: Come on, let's go! [he and Kenny cross the road and drop down to a ditch on the other side. Stan follows] Kyle: What have we done? [Stan looks back and gets Kyle] Stan: Let's go, Kyle! [drags him off. Kyle is transfixed for a bit, then turns to follow Stan. A last shot of the house, and then the boys reach their bus stop gasping for air.] Scene Description: The bus stop Kyle: We're, we're in trouble. We're in sooo much trouble. Cartman: Aw man, that was sooo awesome! [smiles] Kyle: How can you say that? Did you see what we did to their house?! It'll take them days to clean that up! Cartman: Who cares?? Kyle: Well, YOU don't, because you're a non-caring asshole, Cartman! Cartman: Me?? [takes a couple steps forward] There's toilet paper on your hands, too, Kyle. [Kyle blanches] Stan: Cartman's right, Kyle. We're all in this together. Scene Description: Kyle's house, after bedtime. Kyle's room. He is asleep, but begins to have nightmares. Kyle: Noo! No. [visions of flying toilet paper fill his head.] Noo! [an image of Mrs. Streibel's house being vandalized further, then of Mrs. Streibel running in horror.] Mrs. Streibel: AAAAAAAAA! Mr. Streibel: Honey, what is it?? Oh, Jesus no! Our house! Streibel daughters: [crying] Mommy! Mommy! Mr. Streibel: [with her family around her] Whyyy? Whyyy? Kyle: [wakes up, startled] Ah! Oh God! Oh God! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. The kids are in their regular classroom chatting, waiting for class to begin. Butters: Hey, uh, you guys here what happened last night? Mrs. Streibel's house got covered with toilet paper. Clyde: Yeah. They say it's gonna take three weeks to get it all down. Cartman: Yeah? Well, Ol' Mrs. Streibel probably had it comin' to her. Butters: I don't know. I don't think anybody deserves that kind of brutality. Cartman: Well, I understand the people who did it weren't caught, so-o... Looks like nobody will ever know the geniuses who masterminded that perfect crime. [the bell rings and Mr. Garrison enters with some books.] Mr. Garrison: Okay children, let's take our seats. Oh, uh, Stan, Kyle, Eric, and Kenny, the counselor wants to see you in his office, now. Cartman: [snaps his fingers] Damn! Kyle: Oh God! Scene Description: Outside the counselor's office. The boys sit on chairs next to the door - the bench is gone. Kyle looks around nervously. Kyle: How the hell did they find out it was us that TP'ed that house? Cartman: Will you relax, Kyle?! They have nothing on us! As long as we all stick to our story, we'll be fine. Stan: We'd better go over our story again so we don't screw it up. Cartman: Okay. Last night, all four of us were at the bowling alley until about 7:30, at which time we noticed Ally Sheedy, the Goth chick from the Breakfast Club, was bowling in the lane next to us, and we asked her for her autograph, but she didn't have a pen, so we followed her out to her car, but on the way we were accosted by five Scientologists who wanted to give us all personality tests, which were administered at the Scientology Center in Denver until 10:45, at which time we accidentally boarded the wrong bus home and ended up in Rancho de Burritos Rojos, south of Castle Rock, and finally got a ride home with a man who was missing his left index finger, named Gary Bushwell, arriving home at 11:46. Kyle: I'm confused. Did Ally Sheedy take that personality Stan: Yes, dude! Cartman: Kyle, it's very simple: we followed Ally Sheedy out to her car, but on the way we were accosted by five Scientologists who wanted to give us all personality tests, which were administered at the Scientology Center in Denver until 10:45, at which time we accidentally boarded the wrong bus home and ended up in Rancho de Burritos Rojos, south of Castle Rock, and finally got a ride home with a man who was missing his left index finger, named Gary Bushwell, arriving home at 11:46, you got it?? Kyle: Ah, Ah I, ah I thought... Cartman: [exasperated] Oh, for Christ's sake! Stan: Look, Kyle, just let Cartman do all the talking, okay? He's better at being in trouble than anybody. Cartman: Thank you, Stan. [the doorknow begins to turn] Sh sh, here they come, here they come. [the door opens and Mr. Mackey appears] "And so I said, 'That's a terrific joke, Wendy. Tell us another one.'" Oh, hello, Mr. Mackey. Are you ready to see us now? Mr. Mackey: We're gonna talk to you one at a time, boys, m'kay? Kenny, will you step into my office, please? Kenny: (Me??) Mr. Mackey: Come on, Kenny, let's go, 'k? [Kenny hops off and enters the office, and Mr. Mackey closes the door. The other boys' jaws drop a bit.] Cartman: Touchй, Mr. Mackey, touchй. Kyle: Why are they doing us one at a time? Cartman: They want to see if we mix the story up, and see if someone will rat out the other three for a better deal. Kyle: [brightens up] I can get a better deal? Cartman: Kyle, so help me God, if you Jew us out on this one, I will fucking kill you! Scene Description: The Streibel house. Mr. Streibel is removing the toilet paper from the trees and house with a broom. He's already filled two trash bags of toilet paper and is filling a third. Mr. Streibel: There we go. That should be about the last of it. [Officer Barbrady passes by with police tape, stretching it out from tree to tree. The camera pulls back to show the house is also covered in police tape] Ex- excuse me, uh, wha-what are you doing? Officer Barbrady: Crime scene investigation! [pulls out a small tape recorder and starts speaking into it] There are several footprints in the snow. Perhaps more than one perpetrator? [turns it off] Mr. Streibel: Ah... look, we really don't wanna make a big deal out of this. Officer Barbrady: [noticing the trash bags] Is that the toilet paper there? I'll need to take those bags as evidence. Mr. Streibel: Look it's just not that big a deal, I mean, I toilet-papered houses myself when I was a kid. Officer Barbrady: You?! So where were you last night at around 9?! Mr. Streibel: I was here. Officer Barbrady: Aha!! Got you! Mr. Streibel: Officer, why would I TP my own house? Officer Barbrady: Insurance? Mr. Streibel: It wasn't me, okay? Now, if you don't mind, I just wanna get my yard back to normal. Officer Barbrady: [grabs him by the collar] Now you listen to me! Whoever TP'ed your house is still out there roaming the streets. It's only a matter of time before another house and another family is victimized! I have to stop that from happening. Mr. Streibel: You really have nothing better to do, do you? Officer Barbrady: No I do not. Scene Description: Kyle's house, after bedtime. Kyle's room. He is asleep, but the nightmares return. Kyle: Noo! No. [visions of flying toilet paper fill his head.] Noo! [an image of Mrs. Streibel's house being vandalized further, then of Mrs. Streibel running in horror.] Mrs. Streibel: AAAAAAAAA! Mr. Streibel: Oh, Jesus no! Our house! Streibel daughters: [crying] Mommy! Mommy! Nancy Kerrigan: [being treated on the ice rink] Whyyy? Whyyy? Whyyy? Kyle: [wakes up, startled] Oh God! Oh God! I have to tell the truth! [hops off the bed and runs to the bedroom door] Mooooomm! [opens the door and finds Cartman in the hallway] Cartman: [in rave tones] Hello, Kyle. Going somewhere? Kyle: I was... I was just going to get a drink of water. Cartman: No need. I have one for you right here. [presents a glass of water to him] Kyle: [takes the glass] Oh. Okay. Thanks. Cartman: Is there anything else I can get for you? Kyle: Noo, I'll just... be... going back to bed now. Cartman: You do that. Goodnight, Kyle. [closes the door] Scene Description: Park County Juvenile Hall, day. Inside, the warden leads Officer Barbrady to Cell Block 4. Warden: Josh Meyers TP'ed over six hundred houses in less than a year. [fumbles for his keys.] He's a real monster. Officer Barbrady: I just need to talk to someone who knows how toilet paperers think. Warden: Just remember: he'd toilet-paper you in a second if he had the chance. [finally opens the door] He's the last cell on your left. [Barbrady enters and finds himself in an old part of the Hall. He walks past the prisoners and arrives at Josh's cell. It is a brick cell with a thick glass wall where prison bars would normally be. Holes in the glass allow for conversation. Josh has paintings of toilet paper around the cell.] Officer Barbrady: Hello, Josh. My name is Officer Barbrady. I'm with the South Park police. Josh: [affecting a Hopkins accent] That's a terrible cologne you're wearing, officer. You should try something more... casual. Officer Barbrady: I was hoping you could help me solve a toilet-papering case? Josh: And why would I do that? Because I'm such a charming fella? Officer Barbrady: Uh please, I need your help. What would you want in return? Josh: [turns away] Due to the harsh nature of my crimes they don't allow me to have toilet paper in my cell. You can imagine how bothersome that becomes. Officer Barbrady: You... know I can't give you toilet paper, Josh. Josh: [turns back] No, but it was worth a try, wasn't it? [a closeup of Josh's face] Tell me something, officer: why is it that you police such a small town. You must have had larger inspirations. What happened to those... big-city dreams? Officer Barbrady: [reflecting] Well, that's kind of personal. Josh: [extreme closeup] Quid pro quo, officer. Tell me what I want to know. And I'll help you catch whoever toilet-papered that house. Officer Barbrady: Look kid, I have very little time to catch whoever toilet-papered that house. Tell me what you know. Josh: Are those the crime scene photos? Let me see them. [approaches the drop slot as Barbrady slides the packet of photos in, then walks back and takes them out for review.] Yes. Yes. Not bad work, not bad at all. These toilet-paperers are professionals...at least one of them is. Officer Barbrady: So you think there was more than one. Why? Josh: [puts the photos behind his back] Tell me something first. When you went to the academy you had something to prove. You wanted to protect and serve, but mostly you wanted to protect yourself. Who were you protecting yourself from, Officer Barbrady? Officer Barbrady: Oh all right, all right, my uncle Charles used to hit me with a belt! [cries uncontrollably] Josh: [closes his eyes, satisfied.] Thank you. Your toilet-paperers are most like males between the ages of 8 and 10 and probably virgins. Parents notice that much toilet paper missing, so they would have to have bought it themselves. Find out where the toilet paper came from, officer, and you just might catch your man. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Kids are moving towards their classes, passing each other in the process. Stan and Kenny are talking with Clyde, Craig, and Kevin. Cartman: Stan, Kenny, can I talk to you guys for a second? [Stan waves bye to Clyde, Craig, and Kevin, and they leave. He and Kenny approach Cartman talks in hushed tones] I think we have the counselor and the principal fooled, but we need to talk about Kyle. Stan: What about him? Cartman: Come on, you know. He's losing it. He's gonna crack. Kenny: (I think so too.) Cartman: Kyle can't take the heat; he's gonna sing like a canary. Then we're all gonna take the fall for what we did. Butters: [walks up] Ha-ey fellas. [Cartman and Kenny avoid eye contact with Butters] Stan: Butters. [looks down, then away, then sniffs, then clears his throat. After a while, Butters just walks off] Cartman: [a few seconds later] Look you guys, all it takes is for one of us to crack, and we all know who the weakest link is! Stan: So what should we do? Cartman: We have no choice. We have to kill Kyle. Stan: [just looks at Cartman] ... Dude, we're not killing Kyle! Kenny: (Yeah!) Cartman: Why not? Stan: Kyle's not gonna say anything, alright? Cartman: He almost spilled the beans in the counselor's office! He can't even keep the story straight! I'm telling you guys, he's weak. He's weak, and he'll be the end of all of us. [walks off] Scene Description: South Park Police Department. Cashier: You wanted to see me, Officer Barbrady? Officer Barbrady: Yes, thanks for coming, Mr. Bell. A house was TP'ed in South Park and I need to see if you can identify the toilet paper I recovered from the scene. [walks up to a body bag] I'm... sorry I have to do this. [unzips the bag and recoils with Bell at the apparent foul odor. They both cough] Mr. Bell: Oh my God. Officer Barbrady: Is this toilet paper from your store? Mr. Bell: It's... difficult to tell, it's... so decayed, I... wait a minute, yes. Yes, I recognize the floral pattern now. Officer Barbrady: [takes out the tape recorder, turns it on, and speaks into it] Positive ID on the toilet paper. [turns it off and puts it away] Mr. Bell: Who would... do this to toilet paper? Who? Officer Barbrady: Mr. Bell, do you remember anyone suspicious buying toilet paper in the last few days? Mr. Bell: Suspicious like how? Officer Barbrady: Well, like someone who was black or Mexican or Middle Eastern. Mr. Bell: Nnoo, the only Mexican guy I recall bought toasted tarts and chips and... we don't allow Middle Eastern people in the store. [arrives at a realization] Oh my God! [vomits] Scene Description: Stark's Pond, night. A low fog moves over the surface of the water. Kyle: What's this all about, Cartman? Cartman: I just wanted to see how you're doing, Kyle. Why don't we go out for a little boat ride? Kyle: A boat ride? Cartman: I just thought we should find a private place to... talk. Kyle: Well, okay. Cartman: Could you help me put this cement block and chain in the boat? [Kyle walks over and helps Cartman load the block and chain onto the boat. Kyle then hops in. Cartman retrieves a bat, loads it onto the boat, and hops in. The boat begins to float away from the shore.] Okay, let's go. [starts to row. The boat heads for the middle of the pond, and eerie music plays] So how are things, Kyle? Kyle: Terrible. Every time I close my eyes I see the house we TP'ed. I see the tears of our art teacher and hear the screams of her daughters. Cartman: And you feel like you have to confess. Kyle: I don't know what to do. [Cartman reaches for the bat while Kyle has his back to him] Part of me feels like I wanna end it all now. [Cartman takes aim] Tell people what heppened. You know, I never knew how beautiful this pond was before. [Cartman moves the bat around, measuring Kyle] So cold. The world can feel like that. [Cartman moves forward, ready to whack him] So calm on the outside, as if nothing bad ever happens. [Cartman takes a whack at Kyle's head, but all Kyle does is blink] Ow. [rubs his head and turns around] What the hell are you doing, Cartman?! Cartman: I'm killing you. But unfortunately I could only afford a wiffle ball bat, so it's gonna take a while. [whacks him again] Kyle: Cartman! Cartman: Don't fight it, Kyle, it will only take longer. Just slip into sweet unconsciousness. [whacks him twice more] Kyle: You wanna kill me?! Fine! [turns around and crosses his arms] I can't live like this anymore! Go ahead! Do it! [Cartman lowers the bat and thinks a bit, then resumes whacking Kyle. Once. Then eight more times.] Cartman: Won't be long, Kyle. [whacks him three more times.] Scene Description: Juvenile Hall, day. Barbrady returns to Cell Block 4. Officer Barbrady: Josh, I need your help. Josh: The answer is right in front of you, but you can't see it. Officer Barbrady: How do you mean? Josh: Tell me, the toilet paper. Was it quilted? Officer Barbrady: Yes. Josh: Single-sheet? Officer Barbrady: No, two-ply. [Josh closes his eyes and thinks hard] What? What does that tell you? Josh: Why does one toilet-paper houses Officer Barbrady: To get revenge. Josh: No, that is incidental. Your toilet-paperers wanted to transform the art teacher's house, thus transforming her entire occupation. Officer Barbrady: What do you mean? Josh: Your uncle, who hit you with a belt. Was he a large man? Officer Barbrady: I don't have time for this, kid. Josh: Did he stink like bayer when he came home from work all powoor from playin' down at the pool house? Officer Barbrady: Alright alright my dad dressed me up like a little girl on poker nights and he made me sit on all my uncles' laps! [cries uncontrollably] Josh: Whoa. Uh, oh. Thank you. Your toilet-paperers are most likely students in the art teacher's class, students who aren't very good at art. Officer Barbrady: Oh. Of course! One of her students! Josh: Fly along now, Officer Barbrady. You've got some arrests to make. [turns around and whispers to himself] Fly fly flyyy. Fly fly flyyy. Warden: [arrives at Josh's cell] Josh, [the smile vanishes from Josh's face] were you doing the silly voice for the policeman again? Josh: [normal voice] No, sir. Scene Description: Stark's pond, night. Cartman is still whacking away at Kyle, in vain. Stan and Kenny come up in a pedal-powered boat. Both of them are pedaling. Stan looks over. Stan: Cartman, what are you doing? Cartman: I'm getting rid of our problem. Kyle will be dead in a matter of hours. Stan: You don't have to kill Kyle, dude. The police made an arrest. And the person confessed! Cartman: They did? Kyle: They did? Stan: They say they got the guy that did it down at the police station. Kyle: Who confessed? That doesn't make any sense. Cartman: But can I still kill Kyyyle? Scene Description: South Park Police Department, day. The boys head for the station and enter. Officer Barbrady: Hello boys. How are you? Stan: We heard that you have the person who TP'ed the art teacher's house? Is that true? Officer Barbrady: It sure is! Cartman: Uh, can we see them-him-her? Officer Barbrady: Right over here. [takes the boys over to the one jail cell] Yeah, we interrogated the suspect for over forty hours, and he finally cracked. [the boys turn right to see the suspect] Butters: Hey fellas! Stan: Butters? Butters: Yep. I'm in jail. Kyle: You con-fessed? Butters: Uh huh. Unh, they said I TP'ed the art teacher's house. [thoughtful] I don't seem to remember it, [normal] but they're pretty sure it was me. [approaches the bars and grabs them] I just can't get my behavior under control! !Officer Barbrady: His parents are on their way down now. Butters: Yeah. And boy, are they gonna uh let me have it! Just wait till my father gets here! Kyle: [turns away, and the other boys huddle around him] You guys, we can't let him do this! Cartman: What are you talking about? This is a gift from God. An early Easter present all wrapped up in a pretty ribbon from Jesus Christ himself! Butters: Well I'm just a little asshole, is what I am. When God made me, he must have not been payin' very close attention, 'cause I turned out wrong! Just plain wrong! Kyle: Officer Barbrady, Butters didn't TP that house. Officer Barbrady: Why do you say that? Kyle: Because it was- Cartman: [rushes up and intervenes] Wiffle ball, anyone? [glares at Kyle] Anyone care for a nice game of Wiffle ball? Butters: You know, it's not my parents I'm worried about. It's my girlfriend, Carrie. Why, she lives in Michigan. But when she finds out about this, woooo smokey, is she gonna be sore! She might even break up with me. And it would serve me right, too. Officer Barbrady: All right, boys, visiting time is over. Thanks for stopping by. Scene Description: South Park Police Department, outside. The boys leave the station. Cartman: You see guys, it all worked itself out. Tadow, tadow, how you like me now? Feel a little silly now, Kyle? Tadow, how you like me now? Kyle: I still feel bad, Cartman Cartman: What? Hu- How can you feel bad? Somebody else is gonna pay for our crime. Kyle: Yeah. That makes it even worse. Cartman: Bu... ...eh... Kyle, you don't seem to understand. We're we're not gonna get punished for this. Ever. Kyle: I know. Cartman: So... so then, how can you feel bad? Stan: He feels guilty for doing it and for letting someone else pay for it. Cartman: ...But he's not gonna get in trouble. Stan: It doesn't matter if you get in trouble of not, you can still feel bad. [to Kyle] I think you're right, Kyle. Maybe we should confess. Kenny: (Yeah, maybe we should.) Cartman: What?? Eh... [tries to be upbeat] hey you guys! There's nothing to feel bad about! We're, we're off scot-free! Kyle: We feel bad for other people. Cartman: [looks at the other boys in disbelief] For oth-er... [winces] Uh. Oww. ...Ih ...Ih, ih, is it that ...you think you might get in trouble later? Stan: Tomorrow in school we'll all tell the teacher it was us, and let her decide what to do. [points an accusing finger at Cartman] And Cartman, if you had any thread of a conscience at all, you'll do the same! [He, Kyle, and Kenny leave] Cartman: Eh buh... eh... eh... Freakin' weirdos, man! Scene Description: South Park Police Department. The Stotches arrive at the police station and charge in. Stephen: Well well well! I had to see it to believe it! [approaches the jail cell] Butters: Hi, Dad. Stephen: Don't you "Hi, Dad" me! Look at you! Standing behind prison bars! Again! Butters: Yeah. Linda: What fibs have you been telling this policeman, Butters?! You know damn well you didn't toilet-paper that house! Officer Barbrady: Huh?? Stephen: Butters was with us all night, Officer Barbrady. Linda: Butters, what have we told you about confessing to crimes you didn't commit?! We have had it, mister! Butters: Well, he kept accusin' me for hours, and then he shot me up with sodium pentathol. Stephen: And that's your excuse?! Officer Barbrady: Well, looks like I made a mistake. I... guess I'd better let you out now. [goes to the cell door and opens it] Stephen: Just wait till we get you home, you little fibber! Butters: [steps back from the door] Officer, can I stay in jail, please? Scene Description: The woods near Stark's Pond, evening. Eric appears and calls out to people behind him. Cartman: Come on, you guys! Hurry! [steps forward and looks back to his friends] Guys, hurry! Stan: [appears] What is it, Cartman? [Kyle and Kenny trail Stan] Cartman: It's over this way! Come on! Scene Description: Stark's Pond, later. Cartman rows the small boat to the middle of the lake, as he did before with Kyle. Lonely music plays, as before. Cartman: So how are things, guys? Stan: Cartman, we're confessing tomorrow in school, and that's final. Cartman: I'm afraid I can't let that happen. Kyle: You can't kill all three of us, Cartman! Cartman: Can't I? [pulls out the Wiffle ball bat and starts whacking the other three. They just look at each other.] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. Officer Barbrady enters the principal's office. Officer Barbrady: Excuse me, everyone. [Mr. Mackey and Mrs. Streibel turn around. Principal Victoria sits at her desk] I have someone with me who can tell us all who toilet-papered the art teacher's house! [the door opens and Josh is rolled in tied up to a dolly by a policeman. He quickly looks to his left] Josh insisted he be able to tell you the names of the toilet paperers in person. [on top of a file cabinet near the door is a roll of toilet paper. Josh smiles] Mr. Mackey: Uh, that's nice, Officer Barbrady, but we actually don't need to know- Kyle: [rushes in] Hold it! [Stan and Kenny rush in behind him] Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, Mrs. Streibel. We have something we need to tell you. Principal Victoria: All right. Will you people stop barging into my office, please? Josh: What's the matter, Principal Victoria? Was your mother abusive? Did she spank your thighs with cold cuts and stick umbrellas up your ass? Principal Victoria: [pointing] Get him out of here! Officer Barbrady: Uh, Policeman Brown, will you take Josh outside, please? Josh: [being rolled out] Ooh, Policeman Brown, never quite made officer. Why is that, Policeman Brown? [the roll of toilet paper is now gone...] Kyle: We have to confess that we were the ones that- Mr. Mackey: It's too late, boys, m'kay? We already know everything. Stan: You, you do? How? Cartman: [steps forward from the back of the room] Hi guys. Kyle: Cartman?? Cartman: I told them everything, you guys. It's over. Principal Victoria: Luckily for us, one of you had enough of a conscience to come forward. Cartman: My consciences just caught up with me. Kyle: That's not fair! Mr. Mackey: You all get two weeks of detention, except Eric, who gets one week for being brave. Kyle: But, but he's lying! He doesn't have a conscience! Officer Barbrady: Well, I guess my work here is done. After all this, I'm gonna need a long vacation. [turns and exits the room] Kyle: This was supposed to be my story! My coming to terms with a guilty conscience! This isn't fair! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway outside the principal's office. Officer Barbrady: Okay, Josh, time to go back to the... [sees Policeman Brown covered in toilet paper and Josh's dolly empty] Oh no! Policeman Brown: He... He was too fast for me. He ran out the door! Officer Barbrady: Couldn't you have gone after him? Policeman Brown: Well, ah I'm covered in toilet paper. I'd look silly. Scene Description: South Park Elementary cafeteria, after school. Mr. Mackey addresses the detained. The boys are there, as well as two of the sixth graders, and Craig and Bebe. Mr. Mackey: Welcome to detention. You will be here till five o'clock, so make good study use of your time. M'kay? Stan: Wugh! Two weeks of this! Kyle: Yeah. But I have to say, I feel a lot better now. Cartman: I know what you mean, Kyle. I realize now that even though you might not get caught doing something bad, you can still get caught later. Kyle: Oh Jesus! [buries his face in his hands, then raises it as Cartman talks] Cartman: I didn't feel bad before, but now I just feel terrible. Kyle: You just feel bad for yourself that you're in detention! Cartman: Right. I guess I learned today that sometimes you- Kyle: Oh, stop it, Cartman! You didn't learn anything! Not a God-damned thing! Cartman: Hm. Scene Description: South Park Police Department, afternoon. Barbrady stands at his desk. The phone rings and he answers it. Officer Barbrady: Police station. Josh: [over the earpiece] Hello Officer Barbrady. Officer Barbrady: Josh? Josh, where are you?! Scene Description: An undisclosed location, day. Josh: I'm afraid that giving away my location might be harmful to my freedom, officer. I just wanted to thank you for helping me get out of that dingy cell. Scene Description: South Park Police Department. Officer Barbrady: Josh, you have to go back to Juvenile Hall. You only have a three-week sentence. Scene Description: Washington DC, day. Josh: Sorry, officer, gotta run. There's something I've been meaning to do for quite some time. Ciao. [hangs up. Next to him are two boxes full of toilet paper. He picks them up and leaves the phone. The camera zooms out to reveal the location to be a park across the street from the White House. Josh heads for the White House, but stops at the curb to gaze at it.]

Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The bell rings. The fourth graders are still chatting as Mr. Garrison enters. Mr. Garrison: Okay, children, let's take our seats. Did you take attendance, Mr. Slave? Mr. Slave: [at his own little desk off to the side] All donesy wunsy. [has a clipboard to prove it] Mr. Garrison: Okay, let's all take out our math homework and go over the problem. Cartman: [searching his notebook] Math homework, Math homework. Where did I file that? Mr. Garrison: [about to write on the board, but turns around] Oh, and by the way, children, there's a walkout scheduled today to protest the war in Iraq. So, uh, if you're against the war, run along outside, and if you're for the war, uh, stay here and we'll do math problems. [the kids quickly stare at each other] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, front entrance. The door open and all the kids run out. A cloud of paper signals their exit. Some of them twirl with delight. The boys come out singing. The Boys: We got out of schoo-l! No more school toda-ay! Kyle: What should we do? Stan: Let's go see a movie! [they stop in their tracks as they hear "No war! No war!"] Protesters: No war! No war! [a sea of them mill around on South Park Avenue waving various signs around] No war! No war! [One man wields an American flag. He lowers it while another reaches for a lighter and set the flag aflame.] No war! No war! [three men break into Tele's through its large window and steal various TVs] No war! No war! No war! Mr. Mackey: [walks up to the boys with several signs in his hands] No war, m'kay?! No war, m'kay?! Oh uh, here you go, boys. [hands each of them a sign] These will help you protest. It's good to see that you care about peace, boys, m'kay? No war, m'kay?! A voice: Excuse me, boys. [the boys look and the adult is shown] Tom Stansel, HBC news. Can you kids tell me why you marched out of school today? [behind him is the cameraman and an assistant, and behind her, the news van] Stan: [pause] Uh... war? Tom: Right. What about the war? Kyle: [pause] Ih ih ih-t's g-gay? Tom: Uh huh, and what aspect of it do you think is most gay? Kyle: [looks at his sign] Uuuh, n-no blood for oil. Stan: Yeah. [the mic moves back to him as he looks at his sign] War is not my voice. Cartman: [reading Kenny's sign] Bush is a Naizi Skeeter: [arrives with a crowd] Hey all you un-American bastards! If you don't like America, why don't you git out?! [moves his right thumb in front of his shoulder and to his right. With him are Jimbo, Ned, Stuart, and Craig's father Tom] Mr. Mackey: Don't you call us un-American! This country was founded on the right to protest! M'kay? Protesters: Yeah! Right! Stuart: If the Founding Fathers saw you burning your flag an' callin' the President a Nazi, they'd roll over in their grave! Supporters: Yeah! Right! Randy: The Founding Fathers would agree with our right to protest! Skeeter: Foundin' Fathers would kick all your asses! Tom: Boys, what do you think the Founding Fathers would say? Cartman: ...Eh the... Founding who? [seconds later, both sides rush each other and attack] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Garrison's classroom. He stares at the children angrily, his arms crossed. Mr. Garrison: [drops his arm, putting his right hand on his hip] Well, I hope you little Commies are pretty pleased with yourselves! [crosses his arms again] Going out there and protesting America, and then saying on national television that you don't even know who the Founding Fathers are! You kids don't know squat about America, do you?! Butters: Mmuh well, not really, no. Mr. Garrison: Well that's just jingles! Because I'm assigning all you little flag-burners a full report on seventeen seventy-siyix, and the Founding Fathers! Class: Awwwwww! Mr. Garrison: SHUT UP! I want you all in your study groups of four, and if you can't give an outstanding report on what the Founding Fathers would have to say about all this protesting, then it's Fs for you! [walks off] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Garrison's classroom, moments later. The class has separated in groups of four and five. Group 1: Jimmy, Red, Clyde, Bebe, Wendy. Group 2: Butters, Jordan, Kevin, Token. Group 3: Cartman, Kenny, Stan, Kyle. Group 4: Tweek, Pip, blond boy, Craig, another boy. All are studying quietly. Camera angle moves from the front of the room to the side of the room opposite the door. Cartman: [beginning to slack off] Ugh. Ughuh. [tries to resume studying, but his eyes grow heavy. He panics] I can't do it! This is waaay too much material for a nine-year-old! [yawns loudly and promptly sleeps on his book] Kyle: [smacks Cartman] Oh no you don't, Cartman! Every time we get put in a study group, you sit on your ass while the rest of us do all the work! Cartman: But you guys are such better studiers than me. I know you can pull it off. Stan: [pointing] You're gonna read this stuff and study like the rest of us! Cartman: Maaaa. M-maaaa. Kyle: [annoyed] SHUT UP AND STUDY! Cartman: Maaaa. Mah mah mh. [reluctantly returns to reading. He begins to fidget, then reads more, then fidgets again, turns the page, fidgets once more, then just thinks] Hmmm, 1776. When our Founding Fathers created America. I wonder what it used to be like in those days? [repeats the question, his voice fading at each repetition] In those days? In those days? In those days? Kyle: [noticing] What are you doing? Cartman: I'm trying to have a flashback. Kenny: (A what?) Cartman: You know. If I have a flashback, then I can see what 1776 was like first-hand! Stan: No, you just have to study. Cartman: No. I've seen this work before. Just give me a second. [thinks] Oh okay, okay. How about this: Say guys, 1776 was so long ago. I wonder what life would have been like back then? [repeats the last two words, his voice fading at each repetition] Back then? Back then? Back then? [nothing happens. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny look at him] Um... Oh waitwait, I know, I know! Heheh, you know guys, I don't even care about 1776. It was so long ago, that I don't think it has anything to do with me. [his voice begins to fade and he begins moving his hands around like a pantomime. The camera closes in] With me. With... anything to do with me. With me. Kyle: That isn't gonna work, dumbass! Mr. Slave: Kids, let's keep it down for study group, or else Mr. Garrison is going to punish me. Stan: [from behind his book] Just face it, Cartman. You're gonna have to study! Cartman: [throws a fit] Maaaaa. Meh mameh, Maaaaa! Scene Description: South Park Avenue. The opposing groups face each other in front of the tallest building in town. Skeeter paints a line across the span of the street and looks up. Skeeter: There! All finished. From now on, this is the pro-war side of town, and that's the unpatriotic side. [the war supporters begin to clamor] Randy: How about we call this the rational side of town, and that the redneck side?! Protesters: Hahahaha, yeah. Jimbo: You just keep all your flag burnin' and your hippie-rock protest songs on YOUR side of the town! Protester: Hey wait a minute, your side of town has the post office. Stuart: Well your side has the grocery store. Jimbo: Well you can come to our side of town to use the post office and we can go to your side to use the grocery store. Gerald: Aaah, can we cross the line to take our kids to school? Jimbo: W-hell, naturally you could cross the line for that. Just like ...we could cross the line for hardware, supplies, gas, and pharmaceutical needs. Townsfolk: Yup, yes sir, yeah, right, uh huh. Skeeter: Hey everybody, this is never going to work. Don't you see? All this dividin' up the town, it's just ridiculous. What we really should be doing, is just beatin' the hell out of each other like we were. Randy: He's right. [looks at Sheila] Boy, do I feel like a fool. [moments later, both sides attack each other again. Among the skirmishes: Kenny's mom attacks Gerald, Sheila attacks Ned] Scene Description: Cartman's house, upstairs. The boys walk down the hallway and reach Cartman's room. He's rigged up a way to ... knock himself out. Three pulley wheels and a nail guide a string tied to the door across the entrance, up the wall, and back to the top of the door entrance. At the other end of the string is a big rock. Kyle: Cartman, what the hell are you doing?! You're supposed to be studying! [the boys stop at the entrance to Cartman's room] Cartman: That's what I'm doing. I'm about to find out all about what happened back in 1776. [tests the tautness of the string] Stan: How?! Cartman: All I have to do is be thinking about American history when I walk through this doorway. I'll trip the rope, causing the rock to fall on my head. And then I will have a flashback to the times of our Founding Fathers! Kyle: Cartman, you are hereby declared a full-fledged retard! Cartman: Haha, make fun of me all you want, Kyle! But I will have the last laugh. Gentlemen, if you will clear the doorway, please? [Stan and Kyle look at each other, Kenny looks at them. They clear the doorway. Kyle stands on one side, Stan and Kenny on the other. Cartman backs up, clears his throat, then begins to walk with purpose] Oh Gee. I wonder what it used to be like in the year 1776. [trips the string. The rock immediately falls on his head, knocking him out. He moans a few times.] Kyle: Cartman? Cartman?? [the boys gather around Cartman. Kyle turns him over.] Cartman: Benjamin Franklin? Kyle: No, turdpants, it's Kyle! Cartman: [touches Kyle, then in a weak raspy voice] Kyle! Get out of my flashback, you God-damned Jew! Scene Description: City Hall, day. Both sides of the war issue are in the office. Townsfolk: Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Mayor McDaniels: Okay, people. What are we rambling about now? Randy: [steps forward] Mayor, our peace rally has always been set for this Saturday! Now, these pro-war bastards are suddenly trying to say they get the town square. Skeeter: [steps forward, past a few war supporters] That's bullcrap, Mayor! Our rally to support the war was set up months ago! Gerald: There was no war months ago! Skeeter: Hey, if you don't like America, then you can git out! Randy: Look, nobody wants to hear a bunch of twangy country music propaganda! Stuart: Well nobody wants to hear a bunch o' rock protest songs! [both side begin to clamor again] Mr. Mackey: Well up yours, rednecks! Townsfolk: Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Mayor McDaniels: Quiet people! The town square is public space. That means if neither group will nicely and maturely move the day of its rally, I'll just have to give the town square to both groups. Jimbo: All right, that's fine! Because our war support songs will be a thousand times better! Randy: Oh, you think so? Bring the shizzle! Skeeter: We'll trizzle the shizzle all over the hizzle! Gerald: Yeah?! See you Saturday, makizzer shanna sharilla shaz biuznatch gazizzah! Scene Description: Cartman's house, night. The front door opens and in walk the boys. Stan: Cartman? Kyle: Cartman? You'd better be studying, God-damnit! [there's debris all over the living room. The boys arrive at Cartman hanging from a candy-cane colored swing set with the swings removed. Beneath him is a tub of water. Cartman has it rigged so that he pulls a string, which releases him and at the same time triggers a sledgehammer, which hits a box, which is supposed to land in the tub with him.] Cartman: Ah, Stan, Kyle, Kenny, you're just in time. Stan: Oh no... Cartman: Oh yes! I am just about to flash back to the days of our Founding Fathers! Kyle: Cartman, you're supposed to be studying! What the hell is all this?! Cartman: I have programmed TiVo to record over fifty hours of the History channel. When TiVo is full, both TiVo and I will be dropped into the water, combining our electrowhatever fields and sending me into a flashback of history! Stan: Uh Cartman, I think that's a really bad idea. Cartman: Or a really sweet one. [a bell is heard] TV OH: Your Tivo is full. Cartman: Whoa, here it goes! [triggers the sledgehammer as he falls. Both he and the TiVo land in the tub, and the house shorts out. Cartman is electrocuted as he lands in the water. The boys spend a few seconds in the darkness looking at Cartman, wondering if he'll come to. Kenny turns and walks away slowly] Kyle: Cartman? [no response] Cartman?? Stan: Aww crap. Scene Description: The flashback. Cartman is seen in period dress, face down on a dirt road. He comes to, looks up, sits up and looks around, then notices his clothes. He quickly rises and looks at Philadelphia in the distance. Cartman: Ohhh awesome!!! [a horse-drawn carriage approaches, driven by a teenage boy.] Official messenger boy: Worthy young lad, are you all right? Cartman: Yeah yeah. Can you tell me what year it is? Official messenger boy: This year? Why it's 1776, it is. Cartman: Oho yes! I did it I did it! Official messenger boy: Would you like a ride into town? I'm on my way to Master Thomas Jefferson's house to get a very important document, I am. Cartman: Oho kick fucking ass, dude! [approaches the carriage and climbs up to sit alongside the driver] Official messenger boy: Never seen you around here, friend. Might you be from up North? Cartman: No, I'm not from here at all. I'm having a flashback. Official messenger boy: A flashback? Why, what is that? Cartman: Well you know, it's a... [points at something] H-ho, awesome! [they've entered the town and Cartman begins to sing.] Look at me, I'm back in time, in 1776. With gaslight corners, cobblestone streets, and humble houses made of bricks. What a special magic time, and it's all alive for me I'm so glad Stan and Kyle aren't here. I hate those guys, seriously. Seriously hate those guys. Hate Stan and Kyle. Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day, Cartman's recovery room. Cartman's mom sits by his bed as Stan and Kyle look on. Dr. Doctor enters. Liane: [jumps up worried] Is he going to be all right, doctor?? Dr. Doctor: Your son tried to kill himself in a ritualistic fashion I've never seen before. His chances of surviving are very slim. I'm so sorry. Liane: [quickly returns to embrace him, with emotion in her voice.] Oh baby baby, you can't die. Kyle: Yeah. We have a report to do, asshole! Get up! Get up!! [shakes him hard] Liane: Whoa. Easy, Kyle. Kyle: But it's not fair! We have to do a full report on the Founding Fathers, and Cartman got out of helping us again! Stan: I guess we're just gonna have to do it with the three of us! Come on, guys! Liane: I know you're in a very dark place now, sweetie. But you must come toward the light! Come toward the light! Scene Description: Flashback, night. The driver and Cartman approach Jefferson's house. Official messenger boy: Here we are, then. The current residence of Master Thomas Jefferson. Cartman: Super neato! [both driver and Cartman disboard and walk towards the door] Official messenger boy: [stops and turns] I'm afraid you'll have to wait here. Cartman: But, I need to talk to the Founding Fathers to do my report. Official messenger boy: Sorry. Only the official messenger boy is allowed to talk to Mister Jefferson Cartman: Oh, okay.I guess I understand. [the driver walks off. Cartman notices some firewood and picks up a log of it, then follows the driver while singing to himself] I don't wanna wait for our life to be over...[he quickly assaults the driver and beats him with the log, then drags the body away and returns to the Jefferson residence, knocking on the door] I don't wanna wait for our life to be over... Jefferson: Hello. I am Thomas Jefferson. Cartman: And I am the official messenger boy, I am. Jefferson: [holding a document] Very well. Take this document to the Continental Congress. [hands it to Cartman] Cartman: [beholding it] Wow, the Declaration of Independence Day. Jefferson: Some favor going to war with England and others want to avoid war at all cost. Cartman: It's a bitch, ain't it? Jefferson: Perhaps this document will make the reasons for war obvious to all. Good luck, young messenger! [Cartman turns and heads for the carriage] Now make haste! Scene Description: Stan's house, day. Kyle, Stan, and Kenny study at the coffee table in the living room. Stan: Okay, so Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence, then the Continental Congress- Protesters: [first heard, then seen as they enter from screen left] No war! No war! No war! Kyle: Oh, Jesus... Randy: Uh, boys, would you mind clearing the living room. We have to practice our big war protest song. Stan: Dad, we have to study. Mr. Garrison is making us do a presentation on what the Founding Fathers would say about the war. Mr. Mackey: Hey... That's a terrific idea! Gerald: Yeah! We could have the boys do their presentation as part of our peace rally on Saturday! Stan: Oh, no, nononono. Supporters: [first heard, then they enter through the front door] Support our troops! Support our troops! Support our troops! Skeeter: See? I told you they had your son. Stuart: Kenny. What are you doing over here with all these un-American traitors?! Kenny: (I'm doing my homework.) Randy: The boys are going to give a presentation at our rally about how the Founding Fathers would agree with our right to protest! [the war supporters clamor against Randy] Stan: Actually, we hadn't really come to a decision- Stuart: Look! My son is a patriot and LOVES his country! [grabs Kenny's jacket] Come on, Kenny! Kenny: (But Dad, I-) Stuart: NOW! Skeeter: Yeah! Supporters: Support our troops! Support our troops! Support our troops! Support our troops! [they walk out the front door. Kenny follows his dad out. Stan follows him ] Stan: [stops at the open door] Kenny, no- ohhh! Awww. [turns around and returns to the table] Awww, now we lost two in our study group! Kyle: [shoves his book off the table] God damnit! Randy: Can you believe those hick sons of bitches? Manipulating those kids to be on their side. Gerald: Disgraceful! Stan and Kyle, it's up to you to show all those war-mongerers that the Founding Fathers agree with us! Protester 1: Yeah, that's right! Protester 2: Come on, guys! Protester 3: Get back to work! Kyle: Do you think kids in every town have to deal with this crap? Scene Description: Philadelphia, day. Independence Hall is shown. Cartman enters and finds the Congress room. The doors open before him. A voice: Enter, young messenger. [Cartman enters the room, awed by the people he sees around him, and approaches the main desk. He hands the document to the man waiting there] I am John Hancock, President of the Congress. Cartman: Wow. Hancock: Mr. John Adams? Adams: Aye. [rises and approaches the table] Hancock: Will you do the honors of reading the document to Congress, please? [Cartman takes an empty chair nearby] Adams: [reading from the Declaration] WHEN in the Course of human Events, it becomes necessary for one Penis to rise up- [cut to the end of the Declaration] -we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.P.S. - Every Thursday should be Free Ice Cream Day. [rolls up the Declaration. Cartman looks around] A Congressman: Excuse me, but does this Declaration actually suggest that we should go to go war with England? Adams: We have no choice, Mr. Dickinson. [chatter erupts] Scene Description: South Park, day. The town square stage. On stage are decorations for the two sides. On the left is a large peace sign on a green curtain surrounded by peace signs and protest signs, on the right is a large eagle surrounded by yellow ribbons. Both groups are on stage. Mr. Mackey: All right everyone, thank you all for comin' out to protest the war, m'kay? [people within the crowd clap. Randy comes out dressed in an Elvis outfit]. Skeeter: Don't kid yourselves. These people have come out to support our troops, right?! [raises a fist. Other people within the crowd clap] Mr. Mackey: And now, Randy Marsh is gonna sing a protest song he wrote about the war. Skeeter: Oh no you don't! We're doing our pro-war song first! Jimbo: Yeah! The last thing these people want is a bleedin'-heart rock protest song! Mayor McDaniels: [intervenes] People, I told you, you have to share the stage. Randy: Nobody wants to here another pro-war country song! Skeeter: Well excuse me if... I'm a little bit country. Randy: Well I'm a little bit rock-n-roll-AH! Skeeter: I'm a little for supportin' our troops. Randy: And I'm a little for bringin' 'em home. Skeeter: I believe freedom isn't free. Randy: No, but war shouldn't be our goal. Skeeter: We must defend our country. Randy: If it means war, then we say NO! Somebody: Yeehaw! Skeeter: [walks to the edge of the stage in front of the war support crowd, then sits on the edge] Did you forget them towers in New York? Did you forget how it made you feel To see them towers come down? Were you like me? Did you think it weren't real? Randy: I like to rock, but I don't wanna rock Iraq! The only kind of rockin' America should do, is the kind that we can all dance to, yeah! Skeeter: We got GPS, ICBMs, and good old-fashioned lead. We're gonna show Saddam what America means; that son of a bitch'll be dead. Randy: Why are we fightin' this war? There's a man in the office we didn't vote for. They didn't give me a choice. War is not my voice! Yeaaaaahhhh! Scene Description: Philadelphia, day, Independence Hall. There's plenty of argument going on. Adams: We must go to war! Dickinson: But what about the violence?! The lives lost?! If we found a country, it should be founded on peace and diplomacy. Congressman 1: England will only understand one thing: Force. Congressman 2: [rises] I must state again for the record that South Carolina, North Carolina, Pennsylvania, Maryland, and Georgia are against war! [pounds the table with his fist] Congressman 3: Yeah, because you don't care about the fate of the Colonies like we do! You're all unpatriotic! And if you don't like the Colonies, then you can get out! Dickinson: Don't you call us unpatriotic! We're protesting this war because we care so deeply for the fate of our Colonies! You are all unpatriotic for leading the Colonies into a war that half of them don't want! [the various Congressmen begin babbling with each other] Cartman: [observing] Whoa, how very very relevant. Scene Description: South Park, day, town square. The rally is still going on, and a reporter files the following report. Tom: Tom, I'm standing in the town square where the war rally has been going on for an incredible eighty-seven hours. The crowd still appears to be split right down the middle - half of them support country music, and the other half rock-n-roll. Let's listen in. Mr. Mackey: And now we'd like to bring out a couple of very special South Park students who did a report on what the Founding Fathers would have to say about the war. [Stan walks up to the mic, watching the crowd on the way there. Kyle follows. The crowd claps appreciatively] Protesters: Booooo!! Randy: [steps up] For you people who still think war is the answer, perhaps you can listen to the voices ... of the children. [shows them off and backs out of the scene. The crowd applauds and quiets down] Stan: Uh, we didn't do it. Mr. Mackey: What? Kyle: We didn't do our homework. Sharon: Boys! You were supposed to come out here and tell everyone about the Founding Fathers! Stan: Well, first we lost one study partner when Cartman put himself in the hospital, and then they took Kenny away, and then Kyle forgot to set his clock ahead for Daylight Saving, so we couldn't find anything in the history books about Iraq and then- Skeeter: That's because the Founding Fathers would have supported the war! Mr. Mackey: The Founding Fathers would have protested like us! Supporters: Support! Protesters: Protest! Supporters: Country! Protesters: Rock-n-roll! Scene Description: The two sides charge at each other on stage, then off stage. They attack each other with their signs. One man drives his "War is not my voice" sign straight down into another man's head. A man drives his "Bush is a Nazi" sign up a woman's nose after she swats him with her "Support Your Troops" sign. A woman strikes someone else down with her "No Blood for Oil" sign. Stan and Kyle just look on. Scene Description: Philadelphia, day, Independence Hall. There's plenty of argument still going on. Congressmen: Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble! Dickinson: We cannot found a country based on war! Adams: We cannot found a country that is afraid to fight! Congressman: Rabble! Congressmen: Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble! [the doors open and in walks an august figure. The boisterous voices become hushed] Oh my, it's Benjamin Franklin. It's Benjamin Franklin. It's Benjamin Franklin. [they keep murmuring this as Franklin walks towards the main desk] Cartman: Oh, it's Benjamin Franklin. It's Benjamin Franklin. It's Benjamin Franklin. Hancock: Mr. Franklin, where do you stand on the war issue? Franklin: I believe that if we are to form a new country, we cannot be a country that appears war-hungry and violent to the rest of the world. However, we also cannot be a country that appears weak and unwilling to fight to the rest of the world. So, what if we form a country that appears to want both? Jefferson: Yes. Yes of course. We go to war, and protest going to war at the same time. Dickinson: Right. If the people of our new country are allowed to do whatever they wish, then some will support the war and some will protest it. Franklin: And that means that as a nation, we could go to war with whomever we wished, but at the same time, act like we didn't want to. If we allow the people to protest what the government does, then the country will be forever blameless. Adams: [holding a slice of chocolate cake] It's like having your cake, and eating it, too. Congressman 2: Think of it: an entire nation founded on saying one thing and doing another. Hancock: And we will call that country the United States of America. Cartman: Wow, I get it now! I get it! [senses his flashback coming to an end] Whoa, here it goes. I wish I could go back to my time. To my time, to, to my time. Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day, Cartman's room. Cartman comes to and looks around. Cartman: Wow! Scene Description: South Park, town square. The townsfolk are still attacking each other and killing more of their number. One man kills another with a "PEACE NOW" sign. A war supporter runs a flag pole through a protester, then pulls it back out again. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny watch from the other end of the square, towards the stage as the carnage continues. Cartman: [appears on stage in his hospital gown, his hair disheveled] Everyone, stop! Please! [everyone stops and looks at him] Townsman: The-the child! The child, from the hospital. Cartman: If you all don't mind, I would like to do my report now. I know what the founding fathers would say. Stan: He does? [he and Kyle are shocked] Kyle: He does? Cartman: I learned somethin' today. This country was founded by some of the smartest thinkers the world has ever seen. And they knew one thing: that a truly great country can go to war, and at the same time, act like it doesn't want to. [a shot of the crowd] Cartman: You people who are for the war, you need the protesters. Because they make the country look like it's made of sane, caring individuals. And you people who are anti-war, you need these flag-wavers, because, if our whole country was made up of nothing but soft pussy protesters, we'd get taken down in a second. That's why the founding fathers decided we should have both. It's called "having your cake and eating it too." Randy: He's right. The strength of this country is the ability to do one thing and say another. Skeeter: Yeah, but... if it weren't for all you guys protesting, why everyone around the world would hate the American people instead of just the President. Gerald: And if it weren't for you people flexing your arms, America could easily get taken over by terrorists or... or China. Mr. Mackey: I guess we... owe you an apology. Stuart: Eh-ah, I guess we owe you one. Townsfolk: Awww. [amid a chorus of awwws they hug each other.] Kyle: Cartman? Cartman saved the day? Stan: Can't be Cartman: The Founding Fathers want you all to know that we can disagree all we want, as long as we agree that America kicks ass. Skeeter: Hey I'm a little bit country Randy: And I'm a little bit rock-n-roll-AH! Scene Description: Cartman takes his mic and backs out of the scene, leaving Randy and Skeeter to sing together. Skeeter: I'll be the muscle of America Randy: And me, I'll be the caring soul. Together: And when you put us together you get a nation with one goal To thrive and prosper, with a little country and rock and roll. Skeeter: Come on up here, everybody! [the crowd surges onto the stage. Stan and Kyle look dumbfounded] Everybody: We're a little bit country, and we're a little bit rock-n-roll Stuart: We can be a nation that believes in war. Mr. Mackey: And still tells the world that we don't. [moments later the back of the stage begins to rise, revealing guests from many previous episodes] Everybody: Let the flag for hypocrisy fly high from every pole Cuz we're a little bit country, and we're a little bit rock-n-roll. Randy: Well, goodnight everybody. It sure has been great bringing you a hundred episodes. Skeeter: We want to thank our guests, the pro-war people. [shown, including Halfy. Some applause is heard] And the anti-war people. [shown. Some applause is heard] Stan: What the hell are they doing now? Kyle: [covers his nose and shuts his eyes tight] I-I don't know. Everybody: For the war, against, the war, WHO CARES?? One hundred episodes! Scene Description: Randy and Skeeter perform some nifty footwork as they finish the song. Kyle: I hate this town. I-I really really do.

Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Kyle is speaking to the school in the school gym, which is nicely decorated in the flags of many nations, both on the rafters and on the small stage set up at one end of the basketball court. Kyle: [wearing an argyle sweater] ...And in conclusion, the Latino community has provided America, and indeed, the entire world with innovations that we would be lost without. And that is my presentation on the role of Hispanics in American technology. Thank you. [cheers from the school crowd before him] Principal Victoria: [approaches the mic] Okay, thank you, Kyle Broflovski. Mr. Mackey: [as Kyle approaches him] That was very good, Kyle. I think the Latino Endowment Council was very happy with your presentation. Looks like you might win. [a shot of the council, which is comprised of five Latinos. ] Kyle: Cool. Principal Victoria: All right, students, members of the school board. Our last speaker will discuss the important role of Latinos in the arts. Here is... Eric Cartman. [reads again in disbelief] Eric Cartman? [a smattering of applause from the kids in the crowd] Cartman: [approaches the mic with his left hand behind his back] Thank you. The Latino culture has been very influential on the arts in America. But you don't have to ask me. You can ask my special guest. Miss Jennifer Lopez. Kids: Jennifer Lopez? Kyle: No way. Cartman: [shows off his left hand, which is open] Miss Lopez, come on out here. [the hand closes to become a fist, and that fist has a face and hair painted on it] Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: [Cartman begins to speak in a Spanish cartoon accent and his lips form a tiny smile as his hand begins to move] Hallooo. [the hand sports a small wig and a paper cutout of a woman's body hanging down from it. The cutout wears a white top and shorts and a heavy brown coat. The cutout's right hand sports some yellow bracelets] Principal Victoria: [taken aback] Oh, Jesus Christ. Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: My name is Hennifer Lopez. I eat tacos, y burritos. Cartman: Ms. Lopez, would you like to talk about Latinos and the arts? Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh si, si. But first I would like to put on my pretty dress. Cartman: Oh, you mean this one? [whips out a doll's dress for the occasion] Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh si si si. I like it very much. Cartman: [fits the dress under his hand] There we go, Saright? Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Saright. Cartman: That's a very pretty dress. [the Latino Endowment Council is shown again] Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: It better be! I am Hennifer Lopez! Cartman: Nonono, you're Jennifer Lopez. Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: si si. [enunciating] Hennifer Lopez! Cartman: Nono, Jeh- Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Heh- Cartman: Jeh- Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Heh- Cartman: Jeh- Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Jeh- Cartman: Jennifer Lopez. Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Hennifer Lopez. [members of the council laugh and clap] A Council Member: Hahahahaha, oh my. Cartman: Ms. Lopez, could you show everyone your example of Latino arts? Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Don't be fooled by all my money. I still like to eat tacos, honey. So crispy on the outside, so super good and yummy. Cartman: And that is my presentation on Latinos in the arts. Thank you. [Much more cheer and applause for him. The school gives him a standing ovation. The members of the Latino Endowment council jump up and down with joy and pride. Stan and Kenny clap with everyone else, Kyle is just stunned.] Scene Description: South Park Mall, later. The boys walk down one side inside the mall. Cartman leads the way. Cartman: Oh-hoh man! A twenty-dollar gift certificate at the mall! I can buy whatever I want! Cultural Diversity Day kicks ass! Kyle: It isn't fair. I spent weeks preparing my speech on Latino culture. Cartman: Hey, I spent weeks preparing too, Kyle. Kyle: No you didn't, asshole! What you did was totally stupid and racist! And you only did it to screw me over! Cartman: [walks up to Kyle] Awww, I don't think Kyle likes you, Ms. Lopez. Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Aww, that makes me muy triste. Cartman: Ms. Lopez, do you like Kyle? Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh si si, very much. Cartman: Ms. Lopez, would you like to give Kyle a kiss? Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh si, si si, my kisses taste like tacos. [Cartman plants his fist on Kyle's lips and makes kissing noises, then removes the hand] Cartman: Is nice? Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Is very nice. He's so handsome. [Cartman puts the hand back on Kyle's mouth and resumes the kissing noises] Kyle: [swats Cartman's hand away]Stop it! Cartman: Hey, come one guys! We can use part of my gift certificate to buy food at the food court. Kenny: (Woohoo!) [the boys go to the food court] Scene Description: South Park Mall, later. The boys walk down the mall. Cartman's hand is finishing off a taco as he looks at it. Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Mmm, tacos! So yummy! Kyle: Stop wasting the tacos on your hand, Cartman! Cartman: Hey, Ms. Lopez has to eat, too. Kyle: She's not eating it, it's just coming out her backside! Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: When you eat a taco it comes out your backside too, cholo! Kenny: (Heheehee, heheh yeahah) Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Look look! Make your own music video! [they stop in front of a "U R Da Star", a music-video shop] Kyle: Nonono, we're not going into one of those cheesy places, Cartman! Cartman: I agree. Those places are stupid. Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: It's not stupid. I need to make music video. Stan: [to Cartman's hand] Look, we're not going in there, so just-! Wait, why the hell am I talking to your hand? [slaps Cartman's hand down] Look, we're not going in there, so just knock it off! Cartman: Hey, I'm on your guys' side. Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: [rises] Just wait one minute, let me see how much it is. [leads Cartman in. Stan and Kenny follow] Kyle: God dammit! [follows reluctantly] Michael: Welcome to Make Your Own Video. All set to rock and roll? Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: How much to make a video? Michael: Uh, well, it's nine ninety five for a three-minute tape. Cartman: Heh! We're not paying nine ninety five! Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh please! Come on, guys! Kyle: Cartman, will you stop this gayness?! Cartman: All right all right, here's ten dollars! [takes out the bill and hands it to the cashier] Kyle: That's not what I meant! Michael: All right, just come over here and stand in front of the green screen. [Cartman walks over to the screen] What kind of song do you want? Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Something hot and spicy. Scene Description: The cashier puts on various music tracks, first song is a rock song. Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Spicier. Scene Description: Next is Latin song Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Spicierrr! Scene Description: Next song is a Latin mix. This is agreeable, so the video is made. Scene Description: "Jennifer Lopez: Taco-Flavored Kisses" is shown, The hand has its costume on hanging down from it. Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Burrito. Taco taco. Burrito. Taco. Taco taco. Don't think that just because I got a lot of money I'll give you taco-flavored kisses, honey! Fulfill all your wishes with my taco-flavored kisses. Taco taco. Burrito Burri...to. Taco taco. Michael: You know, I've seen a lot of videos here at the mall, and that was by far the best! Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh, gracias, "Machel"! [the cashier's tag reads "Michael"] Michael: Hey, I've got a friend who's interning at a big record label in L.A. I'll send a copy on to him and maybe he'll get the bigwigs to see it. Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh, gracias, Machel, gracias! Kyle: Can we go now, please?! Cartman: Yeah, I wanna leave. Kyle: Stop it, Cartman! Cartman: What? Scene Description: BHI records, L.A. day. The tape is being played on a massive screen in an office. Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Fulfill all your wishes with my taco-flavored kisses.Taco taco. BHI President: She's fantastic. Who is she? [two men sit on a sofa, one sits on an armchair] Aide 1: [with brown hair] Believe it or not, her name is Jennifer Lopez. Aide 2: [in armchair] That makes sense. She reminds me of J-Lo. BHI President: Yeah, but she's younger and spicier. Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Taco taco. Burrito Burri...to. Taco taco. Aide 2: I don't think J-Lo would like it very much if we signed this new girl. BHI President: No, you're right. We're gonna have to fire J-Lo. Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. The phone rings in the kitchen and he answers it. Cartman: Hello? ...BHI records? ...Oh, it's for you, Ms. Lopez. [hands the phone to "her"] Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh, si si siiih. Allo! Cartman: What do they want? Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: [looks at Cartman] Just a second, I'm trying to hear. Cartman: S'awright? Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: S'awright. [returns to "her" call] Yes yes, this is Ms. Hrrrlopez. Uh huh. [gasps and screams "her" head off] Cartman: What? What? Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh my God I can't believe it!!! Cartman: [puts the phone to his ear] Hello, are you still there? Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: They want to sign me to the record company! Cartman: You want to sign Ms. Lopez? Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh my God, it's happening for me! Cartman: Yes! Yes, we can record an album next week! Sure we can write ten songs! We'll start tonight!! [hangs up and grins] We're gonna be rich! Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: We're gonna be famose! Cartman: Come on, we gotta get to work on some songs! [runs off] Scene Description: Cartman's house, night. Cartman is on his bed writing away on a notepad. Cartman: There. That's three more songs we've written already! Your style of music is so easy it doesn't require any thought at all! Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh, si si siiih. Cartman: [scoots back to his bedside lamp and turns it off, then settles under the covers] Okay, Ms. Lopez, time to go to sleep. [rubs off her open eyes and paints some closed lids on his hand.] Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Ohh, I'm so sleeeepyyy. Cartman: Good night, Ms. Lopez. Tomorrow is gonna be a great day. Great day tomorrow... [begins to dream of taunting Kyle] Tomorrow... Scene Description: His dream begins at the bus stop Cartman: "Kyle, you were wrong! We did do a record deal!" [in class, sitting next to each other] "You were wrong, Kyle!" [in the cafeteria, as Kyle walks by with his lunch] "Nananananaaana!" [on the bus ride home] "Hahahahahaaaha!" [images of Kyle come forth, crying] "Nananananaaana!" "Hahahahahaaaha!" [in his sleep] Awesommme. Yeeessss. Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: [has dreams of its own] Aaahhhh. Aaahhhh. Scene Description: An Oscar ceremony. Two Oscars stand guard over a red carpet. On either side of the carpet is a crowd of people. A limo pulls up and a hand floats out of it. Man 1: Ms. Lopez! Up here! Man 2: Jennifer, We love you Jennifer! Man 3: Jennifer, over here. Man 4: Jennifer! Scene Description: A concert. Her first single is thumping away, and she appears as just a hand, floating over the stage floor. Female fan: [stageside] We love you Jennifer! [roses land onstage. Shots of three magazines follow.] Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: [back to Cartman's room] Aaahhhh. Scene Description: BHI Records, Los Angeles, day. The president and his men are in a meeting when he looks up. BHI President: Ah, Ms. Lopez, come on in. Jennifer Lopez: [carrying a toy poodle takes a seat and removes her glasses] Yo, make it quick. I got a video shoot at two and a script reading at five. BHI President: Yes, well uh, Ms. Lopez, we regret to inform you that, uh... we're dropping you from the label. Jennifer Lopez: What? Oh no you di'n't! Aide 1: We wanna thank you for all your hard work and ..."talent". Jennifer Lopez: [pounds her table] You can't drop me! I'm Jennifer Lopez! How can you drop me?! BHI President: Wu-well a very talented younger singer has come to our attention and, and the truth of the matter is her name happens to be Jennifer Lopez as well. And we really can't have two here at BHI Records. Jennifer Lopez: Who the hell is this other Jennifer Lopez?! Where is she come from?! Aide 1: Well, she lives in South Park, Colorado now, but uh I believe she originally from Mexico, just like you. Jennifer Lopez: I don't come from no Mexico! I'm Puer'ah Rican! BHI President: Whatever. Look, it's nothing personal, we just think you need to move on. Aide 2: Bu- AND you're a mean-spirited bitch who spits on people who aren't rich and famous. Scene Description: A limousine, from the back seat. A small TV is on near the floor, behind the driver. Reporter: And sources say that the new film will star Ben Affleck. Ben: [sitting at the other end of the passenger cabin] Huhuhuh, that's me. [a door opens opposite him and J-Lo enters] How'd it go, baby? Jennifer Lopez: Terrible, Ben! Some girl in Colorado is trying to become the new Jennifer Lopez! [her dog begins to bark] Shut up! [a few more barks and she tosses it out the window.] Ben: What?? Who could replace you?? Jennifer Lopez: [tries to get the driver's attention] Yo driver. Stupid driver! Driver: [looks back] Yes, ma'am. Where to? Jennifer Lopez: Take me to South Park, Colorado! I'm gonna kill that bitch!! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids file in to class. Many of them are already seated. Butters is looking out the window. Cartman: [runs up] Hey everybody! Listen up! I've got something to tell Kyle! [Slience.] Kyle: [decide to answer] ...What? Cartman: [approaches him] Hahahahahaaaha! Hahahahahaaaha! Hahaha, Hahaha, Hahahahahahaha! Stan: What are you gloating about? Cartman: Oh, I'm not gloating. I just got a little call from a record company in Los Angeles and, they want Ms. Lopez to record an album next week. Kids in Class: Wow, really? Kyle: No! Cartman: [a slight gloat arises] Yup, looks like I'm gonna be rich. [nods to his hand] And famous. Mr. Garrison: Okay, children, let's take our seats. If you'll remember yesterday we were discussing state capitals. Butters: [pipes up and turns to the class] Hey, a big limousine just pulled up in front of the school! Mr. Garrison: Butters, will you pay attention, please? Butters: Holy smokes, it's Jennifer Lopez! Cartman: Jennifer Lopez? Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Yes? Butters: Holy geez wow! There's Ben Affleck, too! A boy: Wow, cool! [the kids leave their seats and head for the window] Mr. Garrison: Will you kids shut up? [puts his book away and walks to the window] Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck are not-! Oh my God, that's Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck. [the limo has pulled up. Jennifer and Ben climb out of the limo and the driver directs them to the office.] Mr. Slave: Oh Jesus, will you look at those boots? Mr. Garrison: Well what are we waiting for? Let's get outside! [rushes out and the cheering class and Mr. Slave follow] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, outside, later. Word gets around and all of the school comes out to see for itself. Principal Victoria: Is it true? Jennifer Lopez is here? Mr. Mackey: Here she comes! Here she comes! Jennifer Lopez: Okay! What smart-mouthed little punk-ass bitch has been saying they're the new Jennifer Lopez, huh?! Principal Victoria: [Mr. Adler takes a picture] J-Lo, can we get a picture of you with the kids? Jennifer Lopez: [begins pacing] No! Shut up! If I find the ho who thinks she's taken my career from me, I'm gonna wring her pretty little neck! [reaches the other end of the crowd] So, nobody want's to fess up, huh? Too scared to talk?! You'd better remember, bitch, that I'll come and take you down if you ever say anythin' again! [walks away] Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: [a few seconds later...] You can suck my culo, chica! [Cartman looks up, stunned, as Jennifer Lopez returns to the crowd] Jennifer Lopez: [looks around] Who was that?! [all the kids back away from Cartman while pointing at him] You go' a problem?! Cartman: Not me! Jennifer Lopez: Then who? [Cartman brings out his hand and points to it with the other] Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Hola, bitchola! [Cartman is looking ever more fearful] Jennifer Lopez: What the hell is that?! Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: My name is Hennifer Hlopez! And I like tacos, and burritos. Jennifer Lopez: That? That's what replaced me?! Cartman: I'm sure it was just a mistake. Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Only mistake was when this ghetto trash got signed in the first place! Cartman: Shut your God-damned mouth! Jennifer Lopez: [picks Cartman up by the scruff of his jacket] You fucking smartass, who do you think you are?! Cartman: Nobody! Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: I am Yennifer Hrlopez! I eat tacos, and burritos! Jennifer Lopez: Fuck you! [begins to assault Cartman's hand] Cartman: Yaaaaah! Wait! I'm sorry! Ah I'll stop! I'll stop! Jennifer Lopez: You'd better stop! Cartman: I will! Ben: [walks up to join Jennifer] Come on, Jenny, let's go. Bebe: Wow, Ben Affleck. Ben: We should be getting back to the... [something grabs his attention. Cartman looks away. Ben begins to fall for this new Jennifer Lopez] Jennifer Lopez: Don' you forget what'll happen to you, ho! Come on, Benny! Scene Description: She drags him off, but he glances back at the new Jennifer Lopez. He follows the original Lopez into the limousine, looking back one more time. As the limo leaves, Ben looks back one more time with his hands up against the glass as if blowing a kiss. The crowd then disperses. Kyle: Well, there you go, fatass! I hope you learned your lesson. Cartman: Yeah. I sure did. I don't think I should record that album now. Kyle: Good. Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: [rises once more] Or maybe I shou-ould. Kyle: Aw, God-dammit! Cartman: Ohnonono, Ms. Lopez. Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Ohsisisi, senor. Kyle: That does it. I'm out. [walks off] Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh, where are you going, Kyle? Come give me kisses! Scene Description: Music Lab Recording Studios, night. Aide 1: All right, Ms. Lopez, take it from the top. [music begins. Cartman is on a stool with his puppet at his side.] Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Baby let's make a run for the border, I've got a hunger only tacos can stop. I know exactly what I'll order Three tacos two tostadas and a soda pop. BHI President: Gentlemen, we have ourselves a hit. Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: I need to make a run for the border, If you pay I'll take off my top. Do you remember what I want to order? Three tacos two tostadas and a soda pop. Yeah-eah, and don't forget the hot sauce, Cholo! Scene Description: Cartman's house, night. He's asleep, dreaming. Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Don't think just because I got money I won't still give you taco-flavored kisses, honey. I'm gonna fulfill all your sexy wishes Give you lots of taco-flavored kisses- Cartman: What the hell are you doing? Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: I'm practicing my dancinngg! Cartman: Look, we spent all night at the recording studio. Now it's time to sleep! Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Dancing! Cartman: Sleep! Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Dancing! Cartman: [slowly, whiney] Sleep! Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: [slowly, invitingly] Dancing! Cartman: Moooommm! [Cartman's mother enters the room] Liane: What's the matter, sweetie? Cartman: Ms. Lopez won't go to sleep! Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. Ben Affleck approaches the front door with a bouquet of flowers and knocks on the door. Cartman: [real tired] He-yesss. Ben: Hey, I was wondering if I could talk to Ms. Lopez. Cartman: [hides his left hand] She's not here right now. Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: [muffled] Ben? Is that my darling Ben? Ben: Jenny? Yes, Jenny, eheh, it's me! Where are you? Please, I-I have to see her! [Cartman sighs deeply, then shows his hand to Ben] Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Ben!!! Oh, you brought me roses! Ben: Jenny, ah Jenny I just can't stop thinking about you. [lowers the bouquet to Cartman, who takes it away angrily] Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: I can't stop thinking about you either, Ben! Ben: I've been meaning to write a song or a poem, but I have no talent. Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: I know, my darleeeng. That's okay. Ben: Will you just take a ride with me in my awesome car? Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh Ben, I would LOVE to! Cartman: NO! Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: 'Scuse me one second, Ben. [whips towards Cartman] Don't you ruin this opportunity for me! How can you stand in the way of this?! Cartman: I'm not going out in his car. Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: I'm not gonna let you blow this one chance I have. Cartman: I don't care. I'm supposed to sit here and do my homework. [Ben stars picking his nose] Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Don't you dare [becomes unintelligible] Cartman: I don't care, 'cause I'm the one that's gonna get in trouble if you don't-! Okay, okay, wait, okay um, fine fine fine! Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Okay, Ben, let's go! Scene Description: A mountain road. Ben and Cartman drive along at a fast clip. Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh Ben, I am soo happy! The cool breeze blowing through my hair in your sexy automobile. Ben: Let's spend the whole day together! Scene Description: A soft song plays. The next scene is a dawn on a beach, where "Jennifer Lopez" and Ben run side by side. Cartman looks tired. Next is a restaurant where Ben has some wine while "Jennifer Lopez" enjoys a martini. Next scene, they're watching a movie together. "Jennifer Lopez" has her own seat between Ben and Cartman. Bem stretches and puts his hand on the headrest behind "Jennifer Lopez". Cartman looks, then looks away angrily. Next scene is at a jewelry store, where Ben picks out some earrings for "Jennifer Lopez". "Jennifer Lopez" opens her mouth in delight and Ben smiles. Next scene, Ben is resting on Cartman's lap and chatting with "Jennifer Lopez". Again, Cartman looks away in disgust. Last scene is undercover photos taken of Ben and "Jennifer Lopez", which end up on The National Inquisition. Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh Ben, you are so perfect, so spectacularrr in every way You bring light into my life, Ben. You almost make me forget all about... Tacos! Oh, tacos, so good in my tummy yummy yummy give me more. I love you, Ben. You almost make me forget about... Tacos... Ben: Jenny, I have to tell you something. I... I think I love you. Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Hoohh, I love you too, Ben! [Cartman looks away in disgust] But... Ben: But what? Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: But what if you still have feelings for the slut with the large ass? Ben: [pulls off to the side, with South Park in view.] I still care for her. Maybe I always will. But... You just have so much more going on. Up here. [strokes the top of Cartman's hand] Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh Ben. Beennn. Ben: Jenny, can I kiss you? Cartman: [reacts] NO! Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Yes! Oh yes, Ben, kiss me! [Cartman looks in wonder as his hand gets a mind of its own] Cartman: Aw, God dammit! [looks away in disgust once more. Ben begins to give French kisses to "Jennifer Lopez" and the hand responds] Aww- awww, dude! Ben: Mmm, just like tacos. Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Taco-flavored kisses for my Ben. Ben: You're so hot, baby. Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: I make you hot, Ben? Ben: Mm, yeah. [grabs the hand and kisses it for a while, then lets go. The hand drops down into Ben's pants] Oh, Jenny. [the zipper goes down on his pants] Oh Jenny! ["Jennifer Lopez" bobs up and down] Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: [pops up to say] Ben... [drops down again] Ben: Oh God, Jenny! Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh, Ben, I adore you! [Cartman looks at Ben's actions, then at what his hand is doing...] Cartman: OHH, SICK!! AWW THAT'S IT! [opens his door, hops out, and walks away] WE'RE LEAVING NOW!! Ben: But I love her! Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Ben! Ben: Jenny! Jenny, I'll call you! Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: I love you, Ben! Scene Description: Music Lab Recording Studio, night. "Jennifer Lopez" is recording new tracks. Cartman is practically sleeping on the job as his hand belts out new tunes. Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Ooo baby baby, can I have your tacos? Two tacos chulo, too. I'm just Jenny from the hood. Ooo, can I have your tacos? Oh- stop. Stop, stop. STOP! Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: [the band stops playing] What the hell is wrong with you?! You cholos can't even keep a beat! I deserve better than thees! I an Hennifer Lopez! Where is my water?! [a page brings "her" a bottle of water. "Jennifer Lopez" knocks it onto the floor] Not Evian, Pellegrino, you stupid beetch! Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Ooo baby baby, can I have your tacos? Aide 2: Uh, that's fine Ms. Lopez. Look, it's been a long night. Why don't we pick it up in the morning? Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Fine my ass, cholo! [Cartman wakes up and looks at his hand] I'll tell you when it's fine! Scene Description: Music Lab Recording Studio, night, back entrance. Cartamn exits and goes down three steps. Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Stupid idiots! How am I supposed to make an album with those cholos?! [a bat hits a car nearby] Jennifer Lopez: [stands next to the car she just bashed] You little snot-nose! [Cartman is taken aback] You ruin my career and now you're trying to steal my man?! [holds up the tabloid shown earlier] Cartman: Aww crap. Jennifer Lopez: You'd better stay away from him! [begins whacking away at Cartman's hand] Cartman: OW! OW! OH JESUS! OW! Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, next day. Dr. Doctor is showing Liane, Cartman's mother, an X-ray of her son's hand. Dr. Doctor: Your son's hand has a hairline fracture and two dislocated fingers. Liane: Oh dear. Dr. Doctor: But I'm more concerned about his state of mind. Your son appears to be completely insane. Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: [on its own hospital bed, with wires attached] Ahhh Ahhhh [Cartman sits in a chair displeased] Cartman: I told you this would happen. [Kyle, Stan and Kenny show up.] Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh, hello guys. Kyle: Cartman, you need to stop this stupid little game you're playing! Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh, Kyle, why you no like meee? Cartman: Kyle is right, Ms. Lopez. From now on, we're staying away from Ben Affleck. Kyle: I hate you. [turns right and walks out] Liane: Come on, sweetie. Doctor says you need to get home and get lots of rest. Scene Description: Cartman's house, morning. A cock crows. Cartman, asleep, stretches and wakes up, then glances to his left. Cartman: EHAGH! [next to him is Ben Affleck, naked and relaxed] Moooooommmm! [Ben wakes up] Liane: [enters with a cup of coffee and wearing a pink robe] What is it, sweetie? Cartman: Ben Affleck is naked in my bed! Liane: Oooo, looks like the tooth fairy was extra-happy with you.[backs out of the room and closes the door.] Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Buenos dias, my love. Ben: Good morning, baby. Cartman: You have to get out of here! Jennifer Lopez is gonna kick my ass again! Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: He's not going anywhere! Ben and I were up all night making love. Cartman: What? Oh- AWWW! [wipes his hand off on his pajamas] Ben Affleck's spooge!! Ben: Should we tell him the news? Cartman: What news? Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: I think we should tell him. Ben: It's S'aright? Cartman: S'aright. Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: S'aright. Ben: We're getting married!! Cartman: Oh, balls! Scene Description: Kyle's house, day. He, Stan and Kenny watch TV on the couch. The doorbell rings. Kyle: Come in. [the bell rings again.] COME IN!! [Cartman enters wearing an oven mitt over his left hand.] Cartman: [sad] Guys, I need to talk to you. Stan: What's the matter? Cartman: I can't handle it anymore. All the fame and the Ben Affleck spooge, I... I just can't go on living with Ms. Lopez. Kyle: So stop doing it! Cartman: Stop doing what? Kyle: You know God-damn well what! Now get outta here! Cartman: Please, you guys. It's like, I can't even have a moment to myself anymore. See? [removes the oven mitt and "Jennifer Lopez" emerges coughing] Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Don't you dare ever do that to me again! Kyle: Aw, stop it, Cartman! Your hand doesn't need to breathe! Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: You try being in an oven mitt for two hours! Kyle: I can see your lips moving! Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: I can see your lips moving too, culo! Kyle: See?! I just saw your lips move! Cartman: Look! I'm just asking you guys for help. Will you please help me with Ms. Lopez. Stan: What's she doing? Kyle: Come here! [drags Stan off to the dining room] You're not actually buying this crap, are you?! Stan: I don't know, meh, maybe he can't help it. Kyle: Look, he knows full well what he's doing, and he's just waiting for us to buy into it, and then he'll laugh and point at our faces and say, [Kyle does a pretty solid impression of Cartman] "Haha, I got you guys to believe me!" "You guys are stupid!" Stan: Dude, do you really he would go through all this just to make us look dumb? Kyle: YES, dude! [they then walk back into the living room] Stan: Cartman, we decided that if you can be mature and admit to everyone that you've gotten yourself into this mess, then we'll help you. Cartman: Okay, okay, I know that I control everything Ms. Lopez does. Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh no you don't! Cartman: Quiet, Ms. Lopez. Kyle: Out! [walks off. Stan and Kenny follow him out] Cartman: Guys... Uh... Uh... [dejected, he turns away and walks out the front door] Scene Description: Outside, day. Cartman reaches the sidewalk when he sees something. Ben: There you are, Jenny! I've been lookin' all over for you, baby! [Cartman decides to run in the other direction] Jenny? [Cartman sees a car pull up in front of him and then...] Aide 1: Ms. Lopez, you were due in the studio two hours ago! Come on! [Cartman decides to ran back towards Ben, but runs into a pair of female legs] Jennifer Lopez: [disheveled, wielding a running chainsaw over her head] So you're gettin' married, huh? [revs up the motor, and Cartman makes his escape, screaming. In the background, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny have stepped out the door to see what's going on.] Ben: Don't you hurt her! BHI President: We'll sue you! Kyle: Oh Jesus. Scene Description: A bridge over a wide river, day. Jennifer Lopez has followed Cartman here. Cartman screams. A police car pulls up from the other end of the bridge. The driver steps out, and both officers draw their guns at Jennifer Lopez, now unrecognizable. Police Officer 1: Freeze, leafblower! [she drops the chainsaw and holds her hands up] Aide 1: Arrest that woman! She wants to kill one of our artists! [the arrest is made] Police Officer 2: All right, you're going downtown, bean-breath. Ben: [rushes up to "Jennifer Lopez"] Jenny! Oh, I thought I was going to lose you! Let's run away and get married tonight! Aide 2: Hey, she can't get married tonight, she has a recording session! [Stan, Kyle, and Kenny arrive] Ben: Our love is like rain! Jennifer Lopez: That's what you said about me, asshole! Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Quiet! BHI President: Get her out of here! Jennifer Lopez: Fuck you! Police Officer 2: Shut up, picante pants! Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Everyone be quiet! [Everyone stops what they're doing and look at the hand] I'm... I'm not who you think I am. BHI President: You're not? Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: No. It was all a lie. A lie I cannot continue anymore. I am not Hennifer Lopez. I am... [Cartman rips off the small wig he had on his hand and delivers a new voice] ...Mitch Conner. [everyone, including Kyle, gasps] Police Officer 2: Who's Mitch Conner? Mitch Conner: Just your run of the mill con man. I've been moving from town to town, scamming people since I was fifteen. But I'm tired of runnin'. Kyle: [exasperated] Oh no, no, no. Mitch Conner: I've been a cheat all my life. And now I've ruined a singer's career, lost a record company millions, and cost this little boy his precious time. Kyle: Stop. It. Mitch Conner: Mostly, I'm sorry to you, Ben. I'm sorry I played Tiddly Winks with your heart. [Ben begins to sob. Cartman walks to one side of the bridge] But it's over now. The cyanide pill I took should be taking effect very soon. Hmph, looks like the sun is goin' down. I wonder, will I dream? [as the sun drops below the horizon, Cartman opens his hand and a gust of wind is heard. Whatever was possessing the hand parted. Ben sobs once more as Cartman just stares in wonder] Police Officer 2: Well, looks like Mitch Conner has cashed in his last chips. [everyone disperses except the boys. Ben stays on for a second, but he too leaves.] Kyle: [the boys step forward] Dude, who the hell is Mitch Conner? Cartman: I don't know, Kyle, all right? Look, I don't care what you guys believe. But with all the crazy stuff that goes on in this town, isn't it possible, just possible, that something I don't understand happened here? Kyle: [resigns] All right. [Cartman beams] All right, I guess it's possible. Cartman: [dances back to the other three boys] Hahahahahaaaha! [into Kyle's face] I got you kinda! I got you kinda! Scene Description: A fast-food Mexican Restaurant, La Taco. People are enjoying their food, one person is waiting for his order, and there are employees behind the counter. One of them looks familiar. Manager: Okay, Ms. Lopez, over here we have the toppings station. This is where all your cheeses and lettuce will go on. [a man carrying a large bowl walks up behind Lopez and bumps into her] Jennifer Lopez: [jumping to one side] Ow. Look out, muffinhead! Manager: Ahh, look, Ms. Lopez, uh, if you're gonna be a member of the La Taco family, you're gonna have to learn to get along with people. Jennifer Lopez: Get a what with who? Manager: Uh why don't you start chopping those onions and I'll come check on you a little later? Jennifer Lopez: [begins chopping the onions] This is bullshit! How the fuck did I end up working at a La Taco?! I had six platinum records and I starred in five Hollywood movies! Coworker: Yeah. Meee too. Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: [as credits roll] Oh Ben, you are so perfect, so spectacularrr in every way You bring light into my life, Ben. You almost make me forget all about... Tacos! Oh, tacos, so good in my tummy yummy yummy give me more. I love you, Ben. You almost make me forget about... Tacos...

Scene Description: South Park neighborhood, day. The boys walk up to Butters' house. Stan knocks on the door. The door opens and Butters' father looks out. Chris: Yes? [looks down] Oh, hello, boys. Cartman: Hello, sir. South Park Junior Detectives. We're wondering if you have any crimes to be solved, for a dollar. Chris: Oooo, little crime stoppers, huh? Well, I'm afraid I don't have any crimes I need solved right now. Kyle: Awww, shit! Stan: All right, sir, well, please call us if you need anything. [offers up a business card] Chris: I'll do that. Have fun, boys. [steps back and closes the door. The boys turn and walk away] Cartman: Stupid assholes! [turns and follows] How come nobody has a crime to solve? Kyle: Yeah, maybe starting a detective club isn't such a great idea. Stan: It's a great idea, we just have to keep working at it. [moments later they reach a pink house and Stan knocks again. The door opens and an elderly woman looks out] Mrs. Farnickle: Oh, hello there boys. Stan: Hello, ma'am, we're detectives with the South Park Crime Unit. Do you have any crimes you need solved, for a dollar? Mrs. Farnickle: Ohh, neighborhood detectives, huh? Well let me thi-oh yes! There is something! Kyle: Really? Mrs. Farnickle: Yes. Two days ago I put a fresh baked cherry pie out on my window sill to cool. [Stan and Kyle look over at the window] And later, when I went to get it, it was gone. Cartman: My God... Stan: Have you reported this to any other authorities? Mrs. Farnickle: Noo, but I think it's a perfect case for you kids. Kyle: Cool! We'll see what we can find, ma'am. Stan: We're on the case. Scene Description: Mrs. Farnickle's house, backyard. Cartman: What have you got, Marsh? Stan: Detective McCormick found something interesting. [a shot of Kenny, who just raises his arm and point to his right. The camera pans to Duke, the house pet, licking off the last of the pie] Cartman: [puts a hand on Kyle, looks away and closes his eyes] Jesus, we're too late. Kyle: I think we can piece this case together now. Scene Description: Mrs. Farnickle's house, living room. She and her husband sit back in arm chairs looking at news. The door opens and the boys rush in with the pie tin. Mrs. Farnickle: My pie tin! Oooh, but what happened to the pie? Kyle: Well, we've all talked it through and we've come up with a theory. Mr. Farnickle: Well, what do you think happened, little detectives? Stan: You said you set the pie in the window sill, where it must have sat for some time. [the scenario shows Mrs. Farnickle setting the pie on the sill, closing the windows and walking away] But its sweet smell attracted the attention of somebody. [Mr. Farnickle shows up at the kitchen window, looking at the pie from inside the kitchen] Kyle: Your husband. [he looks closer at it, putting his hands on the window] He wanted that pie badly, but he knew that he was not allowed to eat it yet. Cartman: Slowly the rage built inside his mind. [Mr. Farnickle is shown in bed, getting angry. Dramatic lighting enhances the mood] "Why won't she let me eat that pie? Why does she always stop me from doing what I wanna do?!" His only solution became obvious: Kill her! Stan: His plan was to use a hammer. Cartman: Bash, bash, BASH your skull in, causing instant death. [the scenario shows Mr. Farnickle walking up behind his wife as she dusts the TV and whacking her three times, killing her and fracturing her skull] Stan: Then to make it impossible for police to identify the body, he'd use a shovel to remove your head. [the man plunges the shovel through the woman's neck and cleaves the head from the body. Blood pours out and stains the carpet] Kyle: Then saw off the arms and legs. [shown in all its graphic glory] Cartman: The torso he would dump into the lake. [Mr. Farnickle tosses his wife's torso over the side of his boat, then watches as the torso heads for the lake bottom] Stan: The arms and legs he would dissolve with acid and lye in the bathtub. [the man is shown tossing the second leg into the tub, then stirring the solution so that the leg would sink in and disappear] Cartman: And then, finally, he'd be able to eat that pie. Kyle: But before he could go through with his entire plan, he discovered that the pie had already been eaten... [a new scenario: the man now has the hammer, but the pie is gone when he checks up on it] ...by your dog. [a shot of Duke eating the pie in his doghouse] Cartman: Looks like the game is over, old man! [the surprised couple looks at them] Mrs. Farnickle: Oh my God, what kind of television have you kids been watching?? Stan: Just the news. Mrs. Farnickle: All right, all right, you you boys run along now. Stan: [stays behind] Hey, you owe us a dollar, lady. Mrs. Farnickle: Fine, here, just go! [gives him the dollar, and he joins the others outside] Stan: Wow, look, you guys! Our first dollar! [shows off a crisp new one-dollar bill] Kyle: We're in business! Scene Description: A basement, some time later. The dollar bill is newly framed and hung on a wall in ... Cartman's basement, which is now the South Park Detectives headquarters. Pictures of suspects are on the wall below the framed dollar, a chalkboard has some instructions listed, and some suspects already interviewed are listed on the wall beneath the stairs. Kyle puts a file away in a filing cabinet as the other boys do other tasks. Cartman: Kenny, you got the f-a-g on that perp in Washington. Liane: Boys, you have a little visitor. [a little girl descends the stairs past Liane] Girl: Is this the South Park Crime Unit? The boys: Ah! Oh. [they jump up and leave their tasks to meet their first client] Stan: Yes it is! Girl: I lost my dolly. Cartman: [waving his mom off] Thank you, Ms. Secretary, that will be all. [Liane goes upstairs. Cartman looks up] And get us some more cookies and coffee! We're not paying you to sit on your ass! Kyle: Do you know where your doll is? Girl: If I knew where it was, it wouldn't be lost. Stan: All right, Sarah, come over here. [everyone moves over to Kenny's desk. Sarah hops up on the witness chair] Now, I want you to describe what the doll looks like to our sketch artist, Kenny. Sarah: [Kenny begins to draw as she talks] She has curly blonde hair. And a wed dress. And a turned-up nose. And a blue bow in her hair. Stan: You got it, Ken? [Kenny finishes and nods] Kyle: All right, let's see. [Kenny turns the paper around and shows off a crudely-drawn woman with huge, olive-shaped boobs] Dammit Kenny, that's not what she said! Stan: Put that away, dude! [Kenny walks up to a small bulletin board of KeNnY'S mOST WANtED women, all of which have large boobs] Cartman: Don't worry, ma'am. We'll find your doll. Scene Description: Sarah's house, day. The boys swarm into the girl's bedroom and check out all the possibilities. Cartman: No sign of forced entry. Kyle: [at the window] But the window isn't locked. Stan: [turns to address Cartman] Right, so it's possible that the thief sat out in that tree. [the scenario begins. A view into the bedroom from the tree at night] He would have watched Sarah with her doll, possibly while cutting the palms of his hands with a large knife. [a hand appears, then the opposite hand with a knife. The knife cuts the first hand as Sarah drops her doll on the bedroom floor] The pain gave him sick pleasure. Kyle: Disposing of the doll wouldn't be easy. He would have had to have brought a shovel to decapitate it. Cartman: We're going to need semen samples from everything in this room. Scene Description: As they pause, another group of boys swarm in and start their own investigation. A Boy: All right, let's do this by the books! McDonnell, [one boy steps forward] give me smears of all the places the doll used to be! [goes off to get samples] Mitchell, [another boy steps forward] run a tap on the phone! [goes off to tap the phone] Stan: [approaches the boy] Hey, kid, what are you doing? The Boy: Agent Tucker, FBI! And you? Stan: Detective Marsh. I'm in charge of this investigation! Tucker: ...Not anymore, you're not! Cartman: Hey, this is our case! You can't come in and take over! Tucker: Can't we? You guys are playing Detectives. We're playing FBI. That gives us jurisdiction over you! Stan: Aw crap! Tucker: I want choppers on the roof ready to go! [one of his friends goes to the window, the other two head out of the room] Kyle: Dude, we've been working this case since two-thirty! Tucker: Good. Then you can help us by telling me everything you know. Scene Description: Sarah's house, afternoon, outside. The boys have been kicked out by the FBI boys and head for the sidewalk. Stan: Son of a bitch stupid FBI! Cartman: Well, I guess we can go back to playing laundromat. Stan: No! We're not gonna stop playing detectives! We've just gotta find that little girl's doll before those FBI guys do. Kenny: (Yeah!) Kyle: Yeah, but how? Stan: We're gonna have to just start bringing in people for questioning. Cartman: Right. I think I know exactly where to start. Scene Description: Cartman's basement, later. The boys have called Butters in and he's confused, being under the spotlight. Cartman: [thinks hard of how to start the interrogation] Where were you this morning at nine o'clock, Butters?! Butters: Ah, I was at home. Cartman: Your story is full of holes and I'm gonna beat your ass if you don't start tellin' the truth! [behind him, Stan and Kyle watch from a makeshift booth] Kenny: [patting Butters' shoulder] (Awww, don't be so mean. Butters is our friend, huh?) [Butters smiles] Stan: [behind the booth] They've gotten really good at this good-cop bad-cop thing. Cartman: You're going down, Butters! You hear me?! Kenny: (Aw, now don't say that. Poor little kid.) Cartman: You're a worthless two-dollar criminal and you're lying! Kenny: (Aww, it's okay, little fella.) Butters: Well I don't have nothin' to confess. Honestly. Cartman: Fine! Then you won't mind giving us a semen sample. [holds out a cup for Butters to take] Butters: How do I do that? Cartman: You just make the semen come out of your body and put it in this cup! Butters: Well how do I make semen... come out of my body? Cartman: Stop playing games! Butters: I'm not playing. I really don't know! Cartman: That does it! Wait right here! [goes behind the booth and laughs] Guys, did you hear that? Butters doesn't know how you make semen come out of your body. Kyle: How... do you make semen come out? Cartman: I don't know. I was hoping you guys did. Stan: It's that thing we learned about in school where you pull on your wiener until white stuff comes out. Cartman: Really? Kyle: Ohh, right, you're supposed to pull and master-benate your wiener really fast. Cartman: Oh okay. [returns to the table] Okay, retard, you really don't know how to make semen come out?! Butters: No! Cartman: Follow me to the bathroom. [goes upstairs] Kenny: [soothing] (Aw, it's okay, kid. It's not going to hurt.) [Butters hops off the chair and follows Cartman upstairs] Scene Description: The Cartman hallway. Cartman takes Butters to the restroom. Cartman: Now, go sit on the toilet and pull and tug on your wiener until white stuff comes out, and then put it in this cup. Butters: My wiener?? Cartman: Yes, retard. Semen comes from your wiener. Now do it! [Butters grabs the door handle and shuts the door. Cartman waits for a few second before doing anything] Well, Butters?! Butters: Ah I'm pullin' on my wiener, but nothin's happening. Cartman: Well pull harder! Butters: ...ow... Ow... It's not workin'. Cartman: Try doin' it faster. Butters: [increasing the speed] Ow. Ow. Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow. Naw, nothin'. Cartman: Butters, do you wanna go to jail for the rest of your life?! Butters: NOOooo! Cartman: The you'd better get that semen sample no matter how long it takes! Butters: Okay!! Stan: [rushing up with Kyle and Kenny] Cartman! Cartman! We just got a tip that a doll was found near Fosse's house! Cartman: Let's go! [They leave. Butters remains in the bathroom] Butters: ...ow... Ow! Scene Description: Fosse's house, a nice rambling house. Cartman approaches the front door as Stan, Kyle, and Kenny stand off to one side. He turns and places his back against the wall, then sneaks up to a window. He looks in just a bit. Inside, Fosse plays with a doll... red dress, turned-up nose, blonde curly hair with two blue bows attached... just as Sarah had described. The two boys giggle as they play. Fosse: Huhuh, Okay Ms., Ms. Jones, heh, me and Doctor... Flick here just need to... check your vagina. [pulls up the front of the doll's dress and giggles with Bill] Bill: That's gay. [giggles with Fosse] Fosse: Yeah, that's gay. [Cartman looks in intently. He then turns his back against the wall and backs away with his water pistol drawn] Cartman: [in hushed tones] Kyle! Scene Description: Kyle looks on as Cartman starts signing to him. Cartman holds up his index finger and shows the fleshy side to Kyle, then points two fingers to his own eyeballs, then turns the fingers out and shows them, then motions inside with his thumb, then makes a grabbing gesture, then something like a fist, then a thumbs-up, then a fist turned out, then points to Kyle, then points again, then taps the side of his own head, then makes a J sign on his head, then rests. Kyle: What? [Cartman repeats the gestures again] What?? Cartman: [repeats the gestures] I see two guys inside. They have Sarah Peterson's doll, you stupid Jew! Kyle: [gasps, then with determination, in hushed tones] They've got the doll! [he, Stan, and Kenny move in and the four boys take positions around the door. Kyle stands at the door, Cartman and Kenny on either side, Stan at Kyle's back] Stan: [in hushed tones] Okay, okay. Ready? Break the door down! [Kenny turns and rings the bell. Inside, Bill and Fosse stop their play and go to the door] Fosse: Huh huh who is it?! Stan: South Park Junior Detectives! We know you have Sarah Peterson's doll! Fosse: [giggles] They're playing Detective. [they giggle] Bill: That's gay. [they giggle] Fosse: [calls out] You're gay! [outside, the boys lower their guns.] Kyle: What do we do now? Stan: I don't know. Cartman: Well if they're not gonna give us back the doll, then we have no choice. Let's go tell on them. [hops down from the porch and walks away] Stan: Dude, we just can't tell on them. Cartman: Why not? Kyle: Because, dude, we're playing detectives! Detectives don't just go tell on people. Fosse: [from inside] Detectives! [Cartman returns, and the camera angle switches to the living room. Bill and Fosse have made the doll a hostage, having tied her up on a chair. Fosse continues, giggling] If you don't get out of here, we're gonna rip the doll's head off! Bill: Yeah. Fosse: We were playing gynecologists and now we're playing criminals. Bill: That's gay. Fosse: We're gay. Stan: Jesus! They're gonna kill her! Kyle: We've got to do something. Cartman: Time! Time is what we need, but time is something we ain't got! Tucker: [offscreen] Attention! You in the house! [the other kids are shown, with their own little car] This is Agent Tucker with the FBI! We have you surrounded. Sort of. Stan: [he and the others approach the FBI kids] Hey, you butt-holes can't play FBI here! Cartman: Yeah! This was our hot lead! Tucker: And you did a great job leading us here. Now you just stay out of our way! [into the megaphone] The gig is up, Fosse! Bring out the doll! Or we'll tell on you! Stan: We're gonna charge the front door and go get it. Tucker: No you're not. Cartman: Dammit man, this is not the time for negotiations! There's a little doll in there about to have her head twisted off! Tucker: Climb off, kid! We say you can't charge the front door, and you have to obey what the FBI says! That's the rules! Stan: Just because your parents can afford better toys than ours doesn't make you better than us! Tucker: Yes it does so! [a long pause] Kyle: ...Grrrr!!! [the boys turn and walk away] Kenny: (What do we do now?) Stan: We go get the doll ourselves. Kyle: But they said we can't charge the front door. Stan: That's right. [cocks his left hand] But they didn't say anything about going in the back. Tucker: Come on guys. You don't wanna hurt that doll. Bill: Huhuh. [notices the SP boys coming in] Oh crap, they're coming in the back! [the shootout begins. The boys fan out and make firing noises as they aim at Bill and Fosse. Bill and Fosse return fire with their own noises] That's gay. [he and Fosse hide behind an armchair] Stan: [pops up from the couch and fires away, using the back of the couch as a shield] Bang bang bang! I got you, Fosse! Fosse: No you didn't! Stan: Did so! Fosse: No, 'cause I got... special wizard armor on. Kyle: We're not playing Dungeons and Dragons, ass-face! Cartman: All right, that does it! Cover me! I'm going slo-mo! [moves out from behind the couch, shooting slowly but walking normally] Wwwaaahhh! Fosse: [makes sweeping gestures with his hands] Oooh, they got me! [falls a bit further with each] Whooaaa, whooaaa, whooaaa. [now fully stretched on the floor, closes his eyes as if dead] Bill: [follows suit] rr uh rr uh, uhhhh. [makes like he's dead] Fosse: [opens his eyes and giggles] We're dead. Bill: [opens his eyes and giggles] That's gay. Stan: [getting the doll after he, Kyle and Kenny approach the chair] We got it. Scene Description: Sarah's house, later. Stan and the boys walk up to the house again. Stan knocks on the door, and Sarah's mother answers. Stan: Ms. Peterson, is your daughter home? Sarah: [appears at the doorway and lights up as she runs for her doll] My dolly! [gets it and holds it tight] Cartman: We got her back safe. Lost a lot of good men in the process. Sarah's Mom: Well you boys are little heroes. I'm going to call the police department and let them know what brave little detectives you are! [the boys smile proudly] Scene Description: Park County Police Station, day. This building is much bigger than the building Barbrady upholds the law from in South Park. Dawson: Hello there little crime stoppers, I'm Lieutenant Dawson with the Park County Police. I heard you did a great job finding Sarah Peterson's doll. Stan: We do what we can, sir. Dawson: Well, that's fantastic, kids. And for all your terrific sleuth-solving, I'm hereby making you all Junior Detectives. [hands out badges] Kyle: [Kyle opens his] Wow! [the others have similar reactions] Dawson: That means you boys are now an official part of the department. Cartman: Kewl! Dawson: All right, so ready for your first assignment? Stan: Sure. Dawson: Okay. There's a meth lab down at 567 Mala Vista. The operators are probably armed to the hilt with illegal weapons. I want you to get down there and see what you can find! Kyle: Ah... a a a meth lab? Dawson: [sits at his desk] I don't want any problems. Just take 'em down by the books. Now get over there; the mayor's all over my ass on this one! [the boys turn to leave] On, and deputies: you screw this up and I'll have you working graveyard shift behind a desk! Move it! [the boys run off] Scene Description: Nighttime in the boondocks. The boys walk along a barren stretch of road. Kyle: What is a meth lab, anyway? Stan: I don't know. Let's just hurry up. I wanna get home in time to watch Crime Drama. [they turn and walk towards a large building in the distance] Scene Description: The meth lab. Three men sit around a table as a fourth man works behind them. The junior detectives approach the front door. Stan knocks. The men inside quickly arm themselves. Stan: Uh police. Open up. ...Oh crap, did you guys do your math homework? Kyle: Nah. Dude, I totally spaced it. [windows begin breaking as shots are fired at the boys] Man 1: You die, pigs! [gunfire continues breaking windows] You want to die, huh? [loses control of the gun, which causes a bullet to ricochet and hit some flammable liquids. A fire erupts and begins to spread, torching one of the man's friends. The burning friend breaks through the front door and runs out. The first man and another man hop into a truck and break through the garage door. The passenger pulls out his gun] Man 3: You won't take us alive! [their truck hits a ramp and goes into the air, twisting to the left and ending up in the middle of a road. Another truck arrives and its driver honks his horn. The oncoming truck strikes the disabled truck and pushes it along. At a nearby intersection, a car strikes the disabled truck and that truck blows up. Three burning people get out of the truck and run around. The fourth man in the meth lab flies a plane] Man 4: So long, coppers! [his fuel level hits empty] Oh, shit! [the plane goes straight down and hits the post office and another building. More burning people run around, and the boys can barely believe what they're seeing] Stan: Damn. Scene Description: Park County Police Dept., Dawson's office, later that night. He reads the police report and paces behind his desk. Dawson: One UPS vehicle valued at twenty-five thousand dollars, one civilian vehicle worth sixteen thousand, the second floor of the post office AND a coffee shop valued at sixty thousand! The mayor's gonna have my ass! Stan: Uh, sir, we just kinda got blind-sided by the- Dawson: You got careless! Now, I don't know how they do things down at that dog-and-pony show they call the Fourth Grade, but here we have rules! Jesus, we don't even have guys to question now, because you killed them all! Kyle: We're sorry. Dawson: One more slip-up like that and I'll have your badges! You hear me?! Now hit the showers! Scene Description: Park County Police Dept., locker room. Three men are changing clothes, so they're all in their briefs. The boys enter. Officer 1: Well well well, if it isn't the super-cops. [the officers begin to giggle] Officer 2: Hey Murphy, think they'll let me borrow their G.I. Joes? Officer 4: Come on, you guys. Leave them alone. Murphy: [Officer 1] Relax, Hopkins! [removes his briefs and drops them to the ground] All fun and games, right? [moves to the end of the lockers and hides behind it, only to peek out] Soho, tell us, rookies, you ah... find yourself a little bonus in that house?? Cartman: Uh bonus? Murphy: Come on! We all skim a little off the top. Oh. Or are you too good for that? [walks back to the other officers] You think you're gonna waltz in here and clean up the system. Is that it? Stan: [softly] We just wanna be junior detectives. Murphy: LOOK, we all work hard! And we deserve more than the thirty-thousand a year we get paid! So what if we take in a little on the side? Officer 2: Yeah! Who the hell are you to change that?! Hopkins: I said, back off Murphy! Murphy: Why don't you and your rookie friends make us Officer 2: That's right. Come on, bring it! Officer 3: Yeah, let's go! Come on, bring it! Dawson: What the hell is the problem here?? Murphy: No problem, sir. No problem at all. Dawson: Then hit the showers, all of you! Scene Description: The shower room, moments later. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are taking their showers. Kyle drops his soap to fart, then picks it up again. Cartman works on his hair. Kyle: Dude, I don't wanna play Detective anymore. Cartman: Me neither. Stan: It'll get better, guys. Kyle: Better how, dude? Stan: [puts his soap away] Look, we said we wanted to form a club to protect and serve South Park. We put all this time into it, I mean... What do you guys wanna do, huh? Go back to playing Car Mechanics? Or Laundromat Owners? Kyle: We were happy playing Laundromat Owners. Stan: I wasn't. We started playing Detective because we wanted our play time to mean something. Or have you forgotten why you joined the force, Kyle? Cartman: [intervening] Hey! Broflovski's a good cop! Stan: You guys can go back to playing Laundromat Owners if you want, but... I'm not gonna give those kids playing the FBI a chance to laugh at us. I'll see you guys at school tomorrow. Scene Description: Cartman's house, night. His door opens, and a tired Cartman walks in. Cartman: Awwwwrrr-auugh. [hangs up his coat and holster on the coat tree in the living room] Liane: Eric, where have you been? It's ten thirty. Cartman: We had to take down a meth lab on Mala Vista. Liane: Well you should've called Mommy. Cartman: [turns and snaps at her] Will you get off my back?! It's hard enough I gotta work the beat, and now I gotta come home to your nagging?! [realizes what he's doing, then turns away] Look look, I'm I'm sorry. It's just this case, and... the guys down at the station, I... I'm tired, alright? I'm I'm tired. Liane: Well, why don't you get ready for snoogums' night-night, and I'll bring you some toasty chocolate nummers? Cartman: [straightens up and smiles] Okay. [turns and walks off to bed. He passes by the bathroom. Butters is still in there] Butters: Who-o-o-o-a. Oowwww! Cartman: [stops] Butters? Butters: Yes? Cartman: Are you still trying to give a semen sample? Butters: Well I'm tryin', but nothing's comin' out. Cartman: Well, keep tryin', Butters. Butters: Okay. [Cartman walks off] Ow. Ooww! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The boys are in class, sleeping. As Butters was at home at 9 am the previous day, this day is Monday. Mr. Garrison: And so you can see, children, that the women's movement of the late fifties and the early sixties had a profound effect on feminism in America. [turns around and quickly notices the sleeping boys] Uh, boys! [the boys stir and wake up] Would it trouble you terribly not to sleep in my class? Kyle: Uh we weren't sleeping, Mr. Garrison. Mr. Garrison: Oh well, then maybe you can tell me who was in charge of the feminist movement of the early sixties! Cartman: [thinks] A bunch of fat old skanks on their periods? Mr. Garrison: Right, but who was the fattest oldest skank on her period?! [the boys look at each other, confused and afraid] That's what I thought! Now pay attention! [turns back to the board] Okay, children, now, the biggest skank of all was was an old fat-ass by the name of- Dawson: [bursting through the classroom door] Marsh! Broflovski! McCormick! Cartman! In my office! [leaves] The boys: [hanging their heads] Eeagh! Scene Description: Park County Police Department, later. The boys walk in sleepily. Dawson holds a file in his right hand. Dawson: Looks like that meth lab you took down was the tip of the iceberg. They found a paper trail leading all the way to the biggest crime syndicate in Colorado. Cartman: Uh oh... Dawson: The operators apparently run their business out of a sleazy strip joint down in Inglewood. They're all cop killers, so I'm sending you in undercover. [the boys look at each other] Kyle: Uh, sir, d'I have a lot of homework to do tonight and I was- Dawson: What?! Now you listen to me! I'm givin' you one last chance! You're good cops, but you let your emotions get in the way! And your little "shoot first ask questions later" technique has no place in this century! Now you get down to that strip joint and you do it by the books, you got it?! The mayor is on my ass and blablablah! [the boys turn left and walk off. As they head for the entrance they walk down the hall. Around one corner are two of the officers they met in the locker room] Murphy: So, what did you boys have to say to the lieutenant? Stan: Nothing, he just told us a bunch of stuff. Murphy: Maybe you decided you needed to tell him about our... bonus money. Kyle: No. [the boys walk away] Officer 2: They're lying. Murphy: They're dead! Scene Description: Inglewood, Colorado, night. A big city. The strip club shown is The Peppermint Hippo. Inside there are several dancers undulating for their patrons on individual stages. Other dancers dance on the club floor for individual patrons. The boys enter the club. Kyle: Dude, if my mom knew I was in here, I would be in super big trouble. Kenny: [stops and looks around, then jumps for joy] (Woohoo!!) [rushes up to catch the other boys, who now sit around a small stage] Stripper: [bloated woman with a coarse voice, opens an embrace to Stan] Would you like a dance? Stan: No thanks. Stripper: [moves to Kyle] Dance? [moves on] Anyone like a dance? DJ: Well all right, guests, put your hands together. Be sure to tip the dancers. And now, come on, let's hear it for Candy! Bouncer: [walks up to the boys] Whoa whoa, what the hell are you kids doin' in here? This isn't an appropriate place for children. Stripper: [walking in the foreground, on the other side of the small stage] Dance? Anyone like a dance? Kyle: Uh, it's okay. We know the owner. Bouncer: [crosses his arms] Oh, really? Let's go see. Scene Description: The Peppermint Hippo back room. Owner: All right, so we'll have to start havin' the McCormicks make our meth again and- Bouncer: Hey Gino, these kids say they know you. Gino: What? Ha-I don't know no kids. Bouncer: I didn't think so. All right, you kids- Gino: Hey wait a minute. These kids might be just what we need to get our drugs past the security at DIA. How would you like to join our family? Tall goon: Yo Gino, I know I've seen these kids before, man. These kids are 5-0! Gino: What? Tall goon: These kids are cops, man! [the five men in the room assume positions and start firing away at the boys. A man at the door is shot and he falls away. The boys begin pretending to fire back and make shooting noises.] Cartman: Bang bang bang... [the boys move behind a chair. The men continue firing. The boys move back into view] Stan, Kyle, Cartman: Bang bang bang... [the men move to lesser-powered weapons] Kenny: (Pakew! Pakew!) Cartman: [looks at Kenny] Kenny, it doesn't go "Pakew! Pakew!", it goes "BANG BANG BANG!!" [outside, police cars of all types pull up to the club. Dawson quickly jumps out of his car. An explosion appears in two windows of the club, and Dawson ducks a little] Dawson: God damnit! Those junior detectives and their heroically reckless ways! Murphy! Jenkins! Hopkins! Get in there! [The three men move in. Jenkins is Officer 2. Inside, two of the owner's men rush out of the back room, and the strippers rush out of the way. The men turn around and shoot back at the boys. The boys return fire. None of the four boys has yet been hit. The gunfight continues. The old stripper walks by again] Stripper: Dance??? Anybody like a dance??? [walks by without being hit once. The other two men appear and shoot at the boys] Hopkins: [enters the club] Freeze! South Park detectives! [Murphy and Jacobs quickly enter and take aim. Everyone stops and turns around to face the detectives. The DJ stands in his booth] Great job, boys. You found the meth boss! Gino: Detective Murphy! Jenkins! Uh what the hell are you doing? We had a deal. Hopkins: [looks at his colleagues with suspicion] A deal? Murphy: That's right. We're partners in the drug business. Everything was fine until these "super-cops" joined the force. [the boys look stunned at the revelation: these cops are crooked] Jenkins: Now we've gotta kill you all. Hopkins: Boys! Down! [the boys look for cover as the two crooked cops join the five men in firing at Hopkins. The boys huddle under a table] DJ: Huh alright guys, put your hands together, a lot of shootin' and killin' goin' on, but be sure to tip your waitress let's hear it for Rebecca. Dawson: Christ! Those junior detectives have no regard for the law! [FBI trucks pull up and agents pour out of them] Lead FBI agent: Get me a hard line to the phone! And I want choppers on the roof! Dawson: [walks up] Who the hell are you?? Lead FBI agent: [whips out his badge] Agent Fields, FBI! Dawson: Hey, I'm in charge of this investigation. Fields: Not anymore, you're not. Dawson: But that's not fair! Fields: Is so! Is so! [inside, the gunfight continues. Hopkins is shot, and he quickly kills two of Gino's men. Jenkins quickly shoots at Hopkins and gets the right arm. Hopkins winces and falls down] Jenkins: Sorry, Detective Hopkins. We can't let anybody know about our partnership. Gino: That's right. We split it all, fifty-fifty! Murphy: That's right. [raises his gun and shoots Gino through the forehead. Gino's body slides down along the wall behind him] I think we'll take a hundred percent now. Jenkins: Huhuh yeah. Sorry, Gino, but in business like this, sometimes partnerships need to end. Murphy: That's right. [raises his gun and shoots Jenkins through the side of the head, and Jenkins wavers and falls] Sometimes partnerships need to end. [now seeing the boys] Well, super-cops, looks like I'll be taking in all the money now. I'm in business alone. And that means that the only person I can't trust... is myself. [raises the gun and shoots himself through his chin, then falls alongside Hopkins] Scene Description: Outside the Peppermint Club. The paramedics have arrived and are removing the bodies. Hopkins, up and about, reaches the boys. Hopkins: [his arm in a sling] It looks like Murphy and Jenkins got what they deserved. If it weren't for you boys, we would have never cleaned up the department. Dawson: [approaches the boys] All right, detectives, let's get one thing straight! I do not agree with your methods! You're uncontrolled, and you're negligent! But by God you get the job done. Congratulations! Stan: Thanks. Dawson: I'm probably going to regret this, but, well, I'm promoting you to full detectives. There'll be lots of action, and that big paycheck you've always wanted. [the paramedics close up the ambulance, then climb in and leave. The boys mull over the offer] Stan: ...I think I have a better idea. Scene Description: Cartman's basement, next day. The boys are back at playing Laundromat. The wall under the stairs has been removed to show the washer and dryer, which are now framed by a doorway saying "Employees Only." Two clothes racks are seen, and the detectives' desks are refashioned as washer/dryer combos. A "Laundromat" sign on the wall looks over the whole thing. Kyle: Hello, sir. Welcome to the Broflovski Laundromat. Stan: [walks up with one of his outfits] Yes, I have a suit I need dry-cleaned, and pressed, please. Kyle: Certainly. Cartman: [walks up with some clothes] Here you are, Mister McCormick. Your laundry is all done and folded. That will be nine ninety five. [Kenny hands him a card] On your American Express. Butters: [coming down the stairs] Fellas! Hey fellas! I got it! Ah I got my semen sample! Cartman: You did? Butters: Yeah. I was up there poundin' my wiener for two days straight, aaand finally, I thought about Stan's Mom's boobs, and this little tiny spooge of... this white stuff came out. Kyle: That's great, Butters, but we're not playing Detective anymore. We're playing laundromat owners. Cartman: Would you like those pants cleaned for four ninety five?

Scene Description: Three Feathers Casino, night. People flock in. The building is massive, the front entrance is prefaced with a long pool with water jets shooting water into the air. The interior is shown, with its slot machines and milling crowds. The boys enter with the Marshes and the Broflovskis. Randy and Gerald carry cigars in their hands. Stan: Wow, dude. Cartman: Man, Indians have it good, huh? Randy: Now, Eric, they're called Native Americans, remember? Show some respect. Native American chief: Welcome to the Three Feathers Casino. I'm your host, Chief Runs With Premise. Please try your luck at one of our many games. Cartman: [eagerly] All right, let's go! [moves forward] Runs With Premise: Halt. [spreads his arms out] I am afraid minors cannot go onto the casino floor. Cartman: I'm not a miner, dumbass! Do you see a shovel in my hand?! Runs With Premise: You kids can enjoy our Native American Comedy Club. Gerald: All right, we're gonna hit the tables. Why don't you kids run along to the comedy club? [Stan shrugs and the boys leave. The adults move forward] Randy: All right, time to win some money! Gerald: Oh yeah! blackjack table! Blackjack dealer: Welcome to the blackjack table. May luck run through you, like the spirit of the buffalo. Sheila: Gerald, this is ten dollars a hand! Gerald: Relax, sweetie [in hushed tones] I know how to count cards. Sheila: Well I don't wanna play here! Sharon: Yeah. Come on, Sheila, let's go to the nickel slots. Randy: Oooo, the nickel slots! You might win the thirty-dollar jackpot! Ahh, women, huh? God I hate 'em. [smokes] Gerald: All right, time to show these people how to gamble! Scene Description: An entrance is shown - The Laughing Coyote Comedy Lodge, then the interior of the lodge itself. A Native American drummer sits on stage. Announcer: Welcome to the Three Feathers Comedy Club. Please put your hands together for Johnny Manymoons! [Johnny approaches the mic] Kyle: What is Native American comedy, anyway? Manymoons: [takes the mic] Thank you, thank you. Bear walked into a bar. Bear said to Deer, "May I please... have a drink?" And so Deer said to Bear, "Why the big paws?" [the drums strikes three beats] Audience: Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! [the boys are confused] Manymoons: Many moons ago, Pony and Eagle walked up to Coyote. Pony said to Coyote, "I am very mad at Eagle. Will you yell at him for me?" Coyote said to Pony, "Why can you not yell yourself?" And Pony replied, "Because I am a little horse." [the drums strikes three beats] Audience: Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Scene Description: The blackjack table. Gerald sits alone fiddling with some chips. Randy returns from somewhere with a cup of coins. Randy: How's it goin', Gerald? Gerald: [nervous, fidgeting] Ohh, not so good. Randy: Yeah, I know what you mean. I'm down three hundred bucks. Gerald: Yeah. I'm down twenty-six thousand. Randy: Yeah, well, maybe we should- ...wait. Twenty-six thousand dollars?? Gerald: I forgot to tell you, ah I have a gambling problem. Randy: Gerald, twenty-six thousand-! Gerald: Sshhhh! I have to win it back before Sheila finds out! Randy: Where did you get that kind of money?? Gerald: The casino gave me credit! I put the house up as collateral! But I still have this ten-dollar chip. Blackjack dealer: Dealer, twenty one. [takes the last chip] Sorry. Gerald: [collapses on the table] That's it. I'm destitute. [leaps up and grabs Randy] Loan me money! You've gotta have money in the cup! [grabs the cup and tries to wrest it from Randy] Wha- what's in the cup? Randy: [keeps the cup] Just six quarters! Gerald: [sits down and mopes] Oh God. Oh Jesus. Blackjack dealer: Thank you for playing at Three Feathers. May your life be filled with the song of the sparrow. Gerald: [bolts upright again] Oh, shove the song of the sparrow up your ass! Scene Description: Three Bears Casino, sometime later. Randy and Gerald sit on a bench next to some slot machines. Gerald's head hangs low. Gerald: How am I going to tell my family? [raises his head] How do I tell them that tomorrow, we have to ...pack up our things and ...get out of the house? [Sheila and Sharon show up in the background with the boys.] Sheila: There's daddy! Gerald: [hangs his head] Oh, Jesus. [the boys and the women arrive.] Sheila: Where have you guys been? We've been looking all over. Kyle: Yeah. Come on, Dad, this place sucks. I wanna go. Gerald: [raises his head] What, What did you say? Kyle: I said I wanna leave. Gerald: [shifts gears and stands] Oh, you wanna leave, huh?! Okay, fine, Kyle, when we get home, we'll just pack up our things, load them in the car, and we'll leave! [Sheila and Kyle are baffled] Kyle: What?? No, no, I mean, I- Gerald: No, no, no, if you wanna leave South Park, fine! Tomorrow we're leaving! Sheila: Gerald, what are you talking about? Gerald: Oh, you heard him, Sheila! Kyle wants to leave! Our nice old house doesn't interest Kyle anymore! Well I'm calling a moving company right now! [leaves] Cartman: Well, you shouldn't be such a dick, dude. [Kyle remains baffled, even as he looks at Cartman] Sharon: [walks up to Randy] What's wrong with Gerald? Randy: He... he lost his house to the Native Americans. Sharon: What?? But don't the Native Americans know he has nowhere else to go? Randy: They don't care. [the camera rises and focuses on a window behind them] Scene Description: The casino office. Chief Runs with Premise looks out over the floor. Runs with Premise: Look at them! Small-minded idiots pouring their life-savings away! Elder 1: Their cash flows out of them like diarrhea from the buffalo. Elder 2: [wearing glasses] Yes, but we have milked these simple mountain folk almost dry. If we really want to see cash flow, we need to bring in city-people from Denver. Runs with Premise: [turns around] Yeessss. It is time for us to implement our plan. [walks over to an easel on which sits a map of Colorado, with a new highway drawn on it between the casino and Denver] A superhighway, built from Denver right to our casino! Aide 1: And what do we do about the small town of South Park that lies in the highway's way? Runs with Premise: [holding up large stacks of bills] Simple. We buy it, and we demolish it! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Elders: Ha ha ha ha! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. A town meeting is being held in the gym. Mayor McDaniels sits at a table with four aides, two on either side of her. Mayor McDaniels: And that's really all I can tell you. The town of South Park is going to be leveled, in order to make way for a twelve-lane superhighway. Randy: [rises] But how can they do that?! Mayor McDaniels: The Native Americans have purchased the land out from under us. Tomorrow, they're buying the last of what they need to have complete ownership. Jimbo: [rises] Well can't we stop them? Let's call the bank. Mayor McDaniels: The Native Americans bought the bank. Mr. Garrison: Oh my God. Mayor McDaniels: Now, look, it isn't all horrible. The Native Americans are offering you retail values on your homes. Randy: No, screw that! We'll just pool our money together and buy the town ourselves! [the town clamors in agreement] Chef: [rises] Yeah! Let the South Park people own South Park! [the town clamors in agreement] Randy: How much do we have to raise, Mayor? Mayor McDaniels: Three hundred thousand dollars. [the town thinks, then grumbles] Randy: Ohhh, never mind. [sits down] Scene Description: The town library. Nine boys sit in front of it: Timmy, Jimmy, Tweek, Butters, Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, and Alex. Butters: How can they do that, huh? How can they make us all move away? Cartman: Because they're rich, greedy-ass Indians! Kyle: [correcting] Native Americans. [Stan rises and walks away from the building] Stan: Our whole town, gone. We'd had such great times here. [begins to reminisce] Scene Description: The scenes are as follows: Zombies destroy the town as the boys walk through in their Halloween costumes. Trapper Keeper grabs a phone booth as it reaches mammoth dimensions. The townsfolk fight the mutant turkeys. Christopher Reeve throws a truck at some people, and they dive out of the way. The giant fireworks snake demolishes the town. The Geldon causes havoc on the Drew Carey Show as the Knights of Standards and Practices watch. The pirate ghost ship fires off a cannon shot and the townsfolk dive out of the way. Some of them are killed on impact. The pro-war and anti-war factions fight over the Iraq war. The town reenacts the Civil War Mr. Hankey summons up massive amounts of crap in order to get rid of the Hollywood gliterati Mecha-Streisand fights off Ultura Marutin and Megara Poatia. Stan: [stops reminiscing, turns around, and walks back to the boys] We can't let them do it, you guys! We have to find a way to stop those Native Americans! The boys: Yeah! Alex: Yeah, this is our town! Stan: We shouldn't have to make a bunch of new friends somewhere else. We're a team! Kyle, Butters, Tweek: Yeah! Cartman: That's right! Butters: Yeah, ahh, that's right! Alex: Yeah, we're a team! Stan: We just gotta figure out a way to raise three hundred thousand dollars! [the boys start thinking] Cartman: [rises and moves to the sidewalk] Wait a minute! I've got it, you guys! We can get Kyle infected with AIDS! And then start a charity organization that we steal money from! Come on, let's go! [trots off excitedly. The other boys just watch him leave. Cartman returns a few seconds later] No? We can't give Kyle AIDS? Stan: We need something that'll get us money tomorrow! Butters: Hey, I know! How about a dog parade? [smiles] Kyle: Dog parade? Butters: Yeah! We dress up all our dogs in little outfits, and parade them down the street. [closes his eyes and beams] It'll be so adorable! Kyle: How do we make three hundred thousand dollars doing that? Butters: Oh... Uh well, we could sell tickets to our moms and dads. Stan: Our moms and dads are the ones who need money, Butters! Butters: Oh... [the boys go back to thinking] Cartman: Maybe give Kyle AIDS, huh? Lookin' a little better now. Scene Description: South Park, later on, day. The Broflovski house is shown, and a massive bulldozer rolls up to knock it down. A large chunk of it is torn off by the scoop. Sheila: Oh, Gerald, I, I can't watch! Randy: [walks up to the Chief] How can you do this to people? Runs with Premise: We're sorry. But if we do not build a superhighway, our casino might stop seeing profits. Randy: There's more to life than profits! Runs with Premise: Well like what? Randy: Well like, you know, Slurpees and stuff. [more of the house is torn down] Chris: Well, come on, honey, I guess we should start packing up our things as well. Mr. Garrison: Yeah. [begins to wave] So long, South Park. Stan: Mom! Dad! We figured out a way we could raise three hundred thousand dollars! Chris: A dog parade? [smiles in anticipation] Stan: No! Randy: Stan, we've all tried to raise money, but we only raise ten thousand dollars, and the deadline is tomorrow. Stan: I know. So how about we take the ten thousand dollars back to the Indian casino? Tell them, Kyle! Kyle: [opens a book he's carrying and reads] The odds on a single number in roulette are thirty-five to one. [looks up and closes the book] That means, with a ten thousand dollar bet, you win three hundred and fifty thousand. Sheila: Boys, that's ridiculous. Stan: Look, we- we've got nothing to lose. Chef: What do you guys think? Jimbo: It's a long shot. Randy: Yeah. [turns around and makes fists with determination] But it's the only shot we've got to save our town. Scene Description: Three Feathers Casino, that night. The townsfolk are there once more. Runs With Premise: [reading from a newspaper] The residents of South Park had hoped to raise three hundred thousand dollars. but in the end managed to raise only ten. The loss of their town may be imminent for the poor people of South Park. [fakes sadness] Awww, I think I'm going to cwy. Two Elders: HA ha ha ha! HA ha ha ha! Scene Description: The doors open and the townsfolk surge in. Randy carries a large amount of yellow chips. Randy: All right, boys. You're gonna have to wait here. [the adults begin to move past the boys] Stan: Dad. [Randy turns around] Good luck. Randy: It's in God's hand now. [turns around and moves forward] Stand aside, everyone! [the adults move towards the roulette table. The Chief notices a change in atmosphere and rises to see what's going on from his office.] Runs With Premise: What are they doing? Randy: We're gonna try and beat you at your own game, Chief Runs With Premise! Ten thousand dollars! [sets the yellow chips down] On thirty one black! [moves the chips towards the number. Everyone gasps. The dealer takes the chips and puts them away, substituting some blue chips for the yellow ones.] Runs With Premise: Impossible! Stan: [begins to wish hard] Come on! Come on! [the dealer starts the wheel and tosses the ball in the opposite direction. Everyone looks on in anticipation. The ball slows down and settles in on thirty one black.] Runs With Premise: Thirty one. Black. [the town erupts with joy] Townsfolk: Yeah! All right! Woohoo! Oh we did it! We did it! Oh my God! Oh this is amazing! Runs With Premise: No... NOOO! [The boys cheer. Cartman and Kenny hug] Alex: South Park is saved. [the dealer adds more blue chips to the amount bet] Mr. Mackey: We have plenty enough to save our town now! Gerald: Yeah! But wait. [the rush of winning gets to him] Three hundred and fifty thousand dollars. That means if we won again, it will be twelve and a quarter million! [the people gasp a bit at the possibility] Mr. Garrison: We can save the town and be super-rich! Randy: Oh hell yeah! Let it ride! Gerald: Let it ride!! Townsfolk: Woohoo! Yeah! [they stay with thirty one black, and the dealer spins again] Kyle: What the hell are they doing?? Jimbo: Let's go thirty one! Let's see it! [the ball bounces around and settles in on two red.] Roulette Dealer: Two, red. You lose. Townsfolk: AWWWWWWW!! Randy: Dammit! Runs With Premise: [satisfied with this result] Hmmm! [walks off] Stan: They, they had it! They freakin' had it! Scene Description: The road. The Marshes drive home in their car. Randy drives, Sharon sits on the passenger side. Stan sits between Shelly and Grandpa in the back seat. Stan: You totally had it! You had enough to save the town and then some. Randy: Stan? Okay? You just don't understand the fine points of gambling. You're never supposed to stop when you're on a winning streak. Stan: A winning streak??!! You played one game!!!! Randy: Stan? Okay? Stan: What??? Randy: All right? Stan? Okay? Stan: You people just got greedy, like the Native Americans! [Randy brakes the car angrily] Randy: [menacingly] Hey, mister!! We're not like them, all right?! [turns and faces Stan] Now, we may have pie in the sky dreams once in a while, but we aren't the ones kicking people out of their homes! So don't you compare us to those cold-hearted, money-grubbing, evil stinky Indians! [turns back to the wheel] I'm sorry, Native Americans. Scene Description: South Park, next day. A "SOLD" sign is placed above the town sign, indicating that the town, indeed, has been sold. At South Park Elementary, the residents stand in long lines waiting for the checks being offered for their homes. Elder 2: [facing Mr. Garrison] There you are, sir. There's the check for your home. Just sign here, and here. Mr. Garrison: [signing] Well, this is it, Mr. Slave. We're officially homeless. Mr. Slave: [sobbing] Jesus! Jesus Christ! Stan: [walks up to Randy, who is in line with the others] Dad, what are you doing?! Don't take their dirty money! Randy: Stanley, we don't have a choice. The Native Americans own South Park now. We have to take what they'll give us for our homes. Elder 3: There you go. Have a nice day. [hands a check to Liane, who turns around and walks off with it] Stan: [walks with his friends to a clearing where he could be heard] Come on, you guys! This is our town! Mr. Mackey: It's over, Stanley. What else can we do? Stan: We can stay. And fight. Cartman: Yeah! When the Indians come to tear up our town, we kick 'em in the nuts! Kenny: (Yeah!) Alex: Yeah! They don't own our town! We do! Chef: I'm sorry, boys. You just don't understand economics. Randy: It'll be okay, boys, we'll just... move to the next town over. Stan: Oh sure. Until the Native Americans decide they want that land, too! What if the Native Americans just keep building their casinos and their highways uh, until we have nowhere else to go?? We have to stand up to them now! [the adults look back helplessly] Rrrgh! Forget it! Come on, you guys! [the boys leave. Cartman stays behind.] Cartman: You're all a bunch of God-damned pussies! [follows his friends them out. The adults just watch] Scene Description: South Park, day. Moments later, a train of bulldozers roll down into town. Runs with Premise, riding on the lead bulldozer, looks happy until he sees the boys standing abreast on the street, blocking the way. Runs with Premise: Get out of our way. Stan: No! We won't let you destroy our town! Runs with Premise: Boys. It isn't your town anymore. Stan: Just because you have a piece of paper saying you own it doesn't make it yours. We grew up here. Our parents grew up here. We shop at that Wal-Mart, and eat at that Chili's. We take fish from the streams and bread them and freeze them to make fish sticks. This is not just a town, it is our way of life. Elder 1: Well your way of life is about to change, little boys. Now move! [points the way to the side of the street] Kyle: You can't just roll into places and take people's lives away! A Driver: And what are four little boys going to do to stop us, huh? [the boys stand unsure, but a sound rises up behind them. Townsfolk appear in mass and walk down the street.] Townsfolk: We are strong No one can tell us we're wrong [Stan looks behind him, smiles, then looks up to his left. People now appear on the roofs of the buildings as well as on the street.] Searching our hearts for so lohh-oo-ohh-oo-ong [Stan looks at the roofs on the other side of the street, smiling.] All of us knowing... [The boys grin] Love Is A Battlefield Stan: This land is not for sale. Runs with Premise: Dammit! I thought you said they were dealt with! Elder 1: They were! Mr. Garrison: Sorry, Charlies! You can just keep your filthy bastard Indian money! Principal Victoria: Filthy bastard Native American money! Mr. Garrison: Uh oh, right, huh. Sorry about that. Runs with Premise: This isn't over! [he and the others get into their bulldozers and pull out of town] Jimbo: We'll never give up! You bastards! Alex: Yeah! South Park is ours. Mr. Mackey: But, what do we do now? I mean, we can't just stand here and block their way forever. Randy: We can stand here as long as it takes. [no one moves. The scene stays for a few seconds, then...] Scene Description: Three Feathers Casino, night. Chief Runs with Premise looks over the casino floor from his office. Runs with Premise: What is the state of our people? Elder 2: Last night I spoke with the spirit of the bear, and Bear said that if we do not build our highway soon, our investors may soon sell off their shares of the new casino. Elder 1: Yes, and Eagle says the cumulative shared market loss on the revenue of the new casino drops fifteen percent every day. Runs with Premise: Then we must force the South Park people off their petty land. Elder 1: But they are determined and proud. And the spirit of the wind has stated that if we use force, it could be a publicity nightmare, further hurting our net assets. Runs with Premise: I already have a plan how we can force them off their land... sneakily. [begins to move off] We're going to give them... [stops in front of a wall] blankets. [three of them are shown] Elder 1: Blankets? Runs with Premise: Yes. We will present the blankets as a peace offering. But what the round-eyes will not know is that the blankets are infected with SARS. [his fellow tribespeople look at each other] They will all get SARS! And then SARS will run through their town like a buffalo. Now I need your help getting the SARS onto the blankets. [everyone puts on their little white face masks] Okay, bring them in! Runs with Premise: [The office doors open and several naked Chinese men are brought in] Let's see how South Park deals with this! [he picks up one of the men and rubs him on a blanket. The Chinese man looks at him bewildered] Everyone grab a Chinese person and rub them on a blanket. [other elders pick up the other Chinese them and carry them over to other blankets hanging on the wall] Make sure you rub them all over. Get the SARS nice and deep in there. [the Chinese men grumble at their treatment] Scene Description: South Park, next day. The deadline has arrived. Field reporter: Tom, I'm standing in chilly South Park, Colorado, where the residents are entering the third day of their sit-in to try and stop Native Americans from building a superhighway through their town. The temperature is low, but spirits are pretty low, too. [a Three Casinos Humvee rolls into town and four elders, including Runs with Premise, exit the vehicle] Randy: [looking on suspiciously, huddled with his family] What do they want? Mr. Garrison: We're not moving, ass-faces! Runs with Premise: [walks up to Mr. Garrison with a blanket] Free blanket? [presents it to him] Though I know we have differences, we believe that a compromise can be reached. In the meantime, it hurts us to see you all on television sitting in the cold. Will you not take this offering as a gesture of good-will? Mr. Garrison: You had me at "free blanket." [Runs with Premise nods and Garrison takes the blanket and opens it. Runs with Premise moves on to other townsfolk and the other elders join in, passing out blankets to the townsfolk.] Elders: Free blanket? Free blanket? Free blanket... Field reporter: Tom, it now looks as if the Native Americans are handing out blankets as a sign of good-will towards the South Park people. What an incredible display of compassion. I certainly hope there's nothing sinister behind it. Runs with Premise: [walks up to Randy] Please. As a token of good faith. Randy: You... understand if I'm a little wary of trusting you. Runs with Premise: It is only a blanket, Mister Marsh. Randy: Well, thanks. [takes the blanket and opens it up. The Chief walks away] Runs with Premise: Oh. You're welcome. Scene Description: South Park, day, later. People are anywhere from asleep to sick. Field reporter: [leaning to his left] Tom, it's Tuesday morning now, and the outbreak of SARS in South Park has reached epic proportions. [coughs twice and sniffs] The entire town has been quarantined by the federal government, nobody allowed in our out, which means, nobody can come to our aid. [sniffs twice] It appears this town, and this reporter, are done for. Coming up next, choosing the right hair conditioner. What you don't know about hair care products could be costing you a bundle. Scene Description: Randy has taken ill and now lies under a lean-to. Sharon sits on one side of the lean-to, Shelly on the other. Stan walks up to his dad with a can of beer in his hand. Randy coughs. Stan: It's all right, dad. Randy: How's your... mother? Stan: [looks over] She's hanging in there. [looks at Randy again] Here, drink some beer. [Randy turns his head aside a bit so he can take a sip, then resets his head] Randy: It's cool on my tongue. Stan: You're gonna be all right. Randy: Stanley, listen to me. I have SARS. There's only a ninety-eight percent chance that I will live. Stan: No, Dad, NO. Randy: Listen, Stan. SARS is destroying our people. The Native Americans put it in the blankets they gave us. [coughs and sniffs] Soon there will be only ninety-eight percent of us left. [runs out of air, then turns aside and breathes in. His voice turns raspy] Stan: What can I do? Randy: You... must find a cure for SARS, son. And save our people. Stan: Cure SARS? Aw, Jesus! Randy: The spirit of middle-class white people is strong in you, son. Seek out the wise man in Bellow Creek. Now go. GO! [Stan steps away, then runs. Randy relaxes and lays down] Scene Description: Bellocreek Trailer Park. Stan approaches it and enters. He walks up to a trailer and knocks on the door. Wise man: [answers the door] What? Stan: Hey, my name's Stan, and I was- Wise man: Your coming was foretold to me. You've come to save our people. Come in. [steps aside and Stan enters] Watch the cats. Stan: Uh so, do you know how to cure SARS? Wise man: Me?? Huh, no. I am just a guide. Sit down. Scene Description: [Stan sits down on a bucket seat from a car. Beer bottles litter the trailer floor. The walls are dingy. An open doorway reveals the man's bedroom, which shows a cross hanging on the opposite wall. A poster of a swimsuit model posing on a car hangs on the living room wall. The man sits on the couch]. Wise man: You must find the answer yourself, by taking an inward journey. [picks up a can of paint thinner and pours it into a brown paper bag] Stan: An inward journey? That sounds kinda gay. Wise man: Let the voices of our ancestors show you the way. [offers the bag to Stan] Breathe. Breathe from the bag of visions. [Stan takes the bag, looks at it, then takes a deep breath from it] Stan: [disgusted] Ah! Oh, dude! Scene Description: Three Feathers Casino, night. Chief Runs with Premise holds a meeting in his second-story office. Runs with Premise: How much longer must we wait for our superhighway?? Elder 1: SARS has spread throughout the entire town of South Park, Chief Runs with Premise. Their wills will break soon. Runs with Premise: Then I suppose we must be patient. Woman: Runs with Premise, come quickly! Runs with Premise: What is the matter, wife? Woman: It is our son, Premise Running Thin. He is very sick. Scene Description: Premise Running Thin's bedroom. He's in bed, wearing a headband with a feather attached to it. His parents approach. Runs with Premise: Premise Running Thin, what is the matter? Woman: He, he shared a cup with one of the people from China. He has SARS! Runs with Premise: No! I told you not to touch them! Premise Running Thin: Papa. Papa... Medicine Man: [wearing a wolf skin over his head and back] I have given him herbs from the desert plant and water from the cactus of life. But nothing seems to be working. Runs with Premise: This would not have happened if those townspeople would have just moved away! No more waiting around! Tomorrow we begin the final stage of our plan! Shock and Awe! Scene Description: South Park, next day. The townspeople are still sick. Stan runs up to Randy. Stan: Dad! Dad! Randy: Stanley. Did you have an inward journey with the old man? Did you have a vision?? Stan: Ah, I don't know if I did or not. I, I saw something, someone spoke to me and... told me the middle-class white way to cure SARS. [reaches into the bag and pulls out each item as he names it] Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup, Dayquil, and Sprite. Randy: Yes. Yes, of course. Quickly, Stan, we must give it to everyone! [a few hours later, everyone is standing around enjoying the soup, soda, and medicine prescribed, and chatting] Kyle: Boy, that really did the trick, Stan. I thought we were kind of, sort of, not really done for. Alex: Thanks to you, we're all safe now, Stan. Scene Description: In the distance the bulldozers return and a yell is heard. As the bulldozers draw near, Chief Runs with Premise is seen standing on the running board of the lead bulldozer. Runs with Premise: Now, I will blow your weak, SARS-infested bodies off the Earth! [the townsfolk look at the coming vehicles and slowly close ranks] What the? [thinks quickly] Wait a minute. [to his men] Stop! Stop! [hops off the bulldozer and walks up to the people] Your, your SARS. Where did it go? Randy: We have cured ourselves using the medicines of our culture. Runs with Premise: My son... Premise Running Thin has the SARS as well. [makes a truce sign with his hands] You... you can cure him? Scene Description: Three Feathers Casino, upstairs. Premise Running Thin sits in bed sipping his soup. A can of Sprite and some Dayquil are on his tray. Around his bed are the Three Feathers tribe on one side, the South Park residents on the other. Elder 1: It is amazing. All our plants and herbs failed to heal him. Elder 2: But your people's remedy brings the spirit of the buffalo back into his heart. Perhaps there are many things we can learn from your way of life. Randy: We're a simple people. All we want is to be allowed to live our lives. Runs with Premise: You have cured Premise Running Thin. In return, I shall give you all five dollars credit at the casino. [his wife nudges him with her elbow a few times and he gets irritated] All right, all right, I will not build a superhighway through your town. And you can all have your homes back. Townsfolk: All right! Yeah! [townspeople jump and cheer. Sheila and Gerald hug each other.] Woohoo! Alex: Well, I guess we all learned that South Park is more than just a town. It's a community that nobody can split up. Stan: Dude, who the hell are you? Alex: Alex. Alex Glick. I got to come on and do the guest voice thingy. Kyle: What?! Get the hell out of here! Alex: Hi Mom! Hi Dad! Hi Jill!

Scene Description: South Park, school bus stop, morning. Stan, Cartman and Kenny wait for the bus. Stan is dressed in fishnet tank top, artsy pants, and a new, furry cap with the same colors as his old one. Cartman is dressed in a Madonna fashion shirt and artsy pants. His hair is tussled and brighter than usual. Kenny is dressed in a purple parka with light purple sleeves. A lock of his hair peeks out from under the hood. Stan: Oh my God, you guys are not gonna believe what happened to me last night. Cartman: What? Tell us? Stan: So, I'm watching the season premiere of Boy Meets Boy on television, and then Queer Eye for the Straight Guy comes on, right? So I fall asleep in front of the TV, and when I wake up, I see that I've spilled the Coke I was drinking all over my satin pajama top. Cartman: Oh my Gosh, are you serious? That was the cutest top ever! Stan: I know! Kenny: (I just LOVE this jacket 'cause it's SOOO beautiful!) Stan: Oh, tell me about it, Ken doll. Kyle: [joins them, but dressed as usual] Hey dudes. [the others glance at him] Cartman: [begins to laugh at him] What a dork! Kyle: What? Cartman: Nice jacket, Kyle! Polyester is really the hot fabric this fall! [laughs heartily] Kyle: Well, but, this is the jacket I always wear. Stan: You've gotta get with the times, girlfriend. Cartman: Yeah, that jacket is so September 10th. [Stan inspects Kyle's jacket] Stan: Oohh my God, you got splotches on your neck. Are you using any exfoliating products at all?? Cartman: We can't let Kyle out in public like this, you guys. Kenny: (That's the truth.) Stan: Come on, Kyle! We're giving you a makeover! [the boys excitedly pull Kyle along to South Park Mall] Scene Description: Montage Singers (Widelife): You... came into my life... and my world never looked so bright. Yeah. It's true. You bring out the best in me. When you are around, when you are around, all things just keep getting better. It keeps getting better. Life keeps getting better and better (All things just keep getting better). Scene Description: The Broflovski house. Gerald and Sheila watch TV from their couch Announcer: Coming up on HBC, it's Queer Eye for the Straight Guy! Carson: [a shot of Queer Eye...] We have got to get you some tighter-fitting shirts! Announcer: [the night's schedule pops up over the scene] Then it's Boy Meets Boy, followed by Will and Grace, and then, the Love Boat... with Men. Sheila: My goodness, there certainly are a lot of gay shows on television these days. Gerald: Yeah. I think it's great that gays are finally being so accepted. [the door opens and the four newly-clothed boys enter] Kyle: [waves] Hi Mom, Hi Dad! Gerald: [looks and jumps to his feet] HAAAAAA!!! [walks over to Kyle] Kyle! What's happened to you?? Kyle: I'm just trying to fit in, Daddy. Don't be such a drama queen! [leads the others boys out of the living room] Gerald: Oh my God! Come on, Sheila! [she rises] We'd better go tell the other parents what's going on!! [they leave.] Scene Description: The Marsh house. Gerald is pounding on the front door and Sharon answers. Sharon: Oh hi Gerald, Sheila. Gerald: Hi Sharon. Uh, we need to talk to you about the boys. Sharon: Sure. Come on in. The guys are all watching TV. Gerald: Oh, is the game on or something? [they move towards the sofa, where a bunch of the men are watching] Randy: [moves over to Gerald and hugs him] Heeey Geraaald! How are youuuu!! [the other men greet him as well] Other Men: Geraaald! Hi Gerald. Stuart: Sit down, Jer-Jer! Queer Eye For the Straight Guy is on. Gerald: Oh no! Y-you guys all turned gay too?? [the other men laugh] Randy: Not gay, Gerald, metrosexual. Gerald: What's that? Skeeter: Just because a guy cares about how he looks and is in touch with his feminine side doesn't mean he's gay anymore. Stuart: Yeah. Metrosexual means you're straight, but you appreciate the gay culture. Randy: It's super-fabulous. Would you like some shirazz? Scene Description: The ladies look on from the kitchen. Sharon: Don't our men look Linda: Haven't you seen Queer Eye For the Straight Guy, Sheila? These five gay men go around and show straight men how to better themselves. It's the best. Sheila: It is? Sharon: Well sure, Sheila. Our husbands are all so clean and neat. My Randy irons his clothes and even has pedicures. Linda: And they like to talk about their feeling now and drink wine and decorate the house. Sarah: My Steven shaved his chest and his balls. Oooh, I love it! Sharon: And how about our boys, huh? Ever since gay culture became cool, our boys bathe every night and brush their teeth three times a day. This is the greatest thing ever. Sheila: I don't know. Sometimes boys take cultural fads too far... Scene Description: South Park, day. The boys go to school in their new threads. They stop at the main entrance. Stan: Dude, I can't wait for Wendy to see how gay I look! Cartman: That's true, you guys. When the chicks at school see how gay we are, they're gonna be all over us. Kenny: (Woohoo!!) Stan: All right. Let's work it! [shimmies a bit. The boys turn and pass through the entrance, but stop in their tracks.] What the...? Butters: Tootaloo, Connor. See ya after classes. Connor: Okay, sweetums. [they part ways. Butters goes off to his right. Farther away, near the drinking fountains, stand Timmy, Jimmy, Kevin, and Pip] Clyde: Oh my God, where is my homework?! I am freaking out! [turns right and follows after Butters. The boys look on in stunned silence] A boy: Hey dudes. [the boys look and it's Craig with Token, Jason, and Tweek] Stan: Hey Craig. Craig: You guys look pretty gay. Kyle: [happily] Thanks. Craig: [him and his group are not happy about it] Not as gay as us, though. Cartman: [moves in front of Kyle] Oh, please Craig, we're ten times gayer than you! Craig: Oh yeah?! We're super duper triple-dog gay! Cartman: Oh yeah?! We're all ultra super stamp it stamp it no erasies mega gay! Chef: [arrives] What's all this fightin' about, children?! Stan: These guys are trying to say they're gayer than us! Chef: Aw nah. Don't tell me you children have taken up this whole metrosexual fad, too. Stan: Oh My God, this is not a fad, this is who we are! Chef: No it isn't. Last year you children were all trying to be black, and now you're trying to be gay! Stan: We're metrosexual!! Craig: Maybe. But you'll never be as metrosexual as us! Come on, fags! [snaps his fingers and his group follows him away] Cartman: GOD I HATE CRAIG!! [Stan and Kenny turn to leave] That son of a... djah!! [leaves. Kyle turns to leave, but has second thoughts.] Kyle: Chef, I don't feel very metrosexual. Chef: Well, then, don't buy into this fad, Kyle. Be who you are, not what's cool. Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's class, next day. He enters. On the blackboard are two math problems: one addition, one subtraction. Mr. Garrison: All right children, let's take our seats. Class: [in unison] Good morning Mr. Garrison. [their dulcet tones get his attention, and he turns around] Mr. Garrison: Well, uh d-don't you all look nice. Timmy: [responds, gestures gaily with his hands] Oooo, Timmy. [the door opens and Kyle enters. A closeup of the boys as Kyle goes to his seat] Stan: Dude! W-what are you doing? Kyle: I didn't feel comfortable in that stuff, dude. I'm just being me. Craig: HA! Told you you guys were straight! Stan: We're not straight! You're straight! Jason, Craig, Tweek, Token: You're straight! Cartman: You're straight like a freeway! Mr. Garrison: What the hell is going on?? Cartman: You wish you were gay, Craig! In you dreams!! Craig: I'm not just gay, I'm a catamite. [Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny stay silent, looking at each other] Cartman: ...So? I'm half bisexual! Mr. Garrison: Oh, stop it!! You kids don't even know what you're talking about!! Eric, you're not half-bi!! Cartman: I'm like, a quarter-bi. My grandpa was bi, so that makes me quarter-bi. Mr. Garrison: WHAT?? Scene Description: Nighttime. Mr. Garrison and Mr. Slave walk down the street. Mr. Garrison: It was the craziest thing I've ever seen, Mr. Slave. All the children were suddenly acting like being gay was cool. I mean, maybe we're not the only gay couple in town anymore. [they cross the cross street and enter the bar at the corner] Mr. Slave: Oh, Jesus Christ. Scene Description: The bar, inside. Disco music is playing. Mr. Garrison looks in awe at the metrosexuals now milling about. Mr. Garrison: Look at that, Mr. Slave. [a pan shot of the people there. He puts his hands over his mouth] Our cup runneth over. Mr. Slave: [puts his right hand over his mouth] Jesus Christ. Jimbo: [standing with Ned at the bar] Mr. Garrison, those are great pants. Mr. Garrison: Thanks, Jimbo. I really like your outfit, too. [cuddles up to him] Soho... so Jimbo, you... wanna come back to my place with me and Mr. Slave? Jimbo: Uh, for what? Mr. Garrison: Well, you know... Jimbo: No. Mr. Garrison: Huh. Randy: Mr. Garrison! [Garrison and Slave walk over] Hey doll. Mr. Garrison: Oh hey Randy. Randy: You're looking ultra-fabulous. Mr. Garrison: Well thanks. You too. [leans in a bit] So uh, Randy, you want me to give you a hand job in the bathroom? Randy: [turns his back to Mr. Garrison and walks away] Nuno, thanks, I'm, I'm not like that. Mr. Garrison: Not, not like that? Richard: [approaches, carries some glasses of wine] How about some shirazz, guys? [Garrison and Slave each take a glass] Mr. Garrison: Uh-Oh, thanks, Mr. Tweek. Richard: My pleasure, silly-buns. Mr. Garrison: Oh, wuh, well uh, Mr. Tweek, why don't we uh, go back to my place. Richard: Why? Mr. Garrison: Well, you know, I was just thinking we could... put on some music and watch videos and pound Mr. Slave's tight little ass. Mr. Slave: Woohoohoohoo, Jesus Christ. Richard: Wohohoho, goodness no. I, I'm straight. Mr. Garrison: Straight? Bu-uh, Oh what... Jesus, what the hell is goin' on here?! Patrons: Huh? Mr. Garrison: Why won't anybody pound Mr. Slave's butt?! Randy: Well, we don't "pound butt," Mr. Garrison, we're straight. Mr. Garrison: Those pants and those shoes say you pound butt!! Jimbo: Hey, now that's not true. My shoes don't say I pound butt. Mr. Garrison: No, your shoes say you take it in the butt!! Skeeter: So, Mr. Garrison. We learned that gays are totally cool. You're just one of us now. Patrons: Yeah. Mr. Garrison: One of you?! [throws his glass down] We've spent our whole lives tryin' NOT to be one of you! You can't do this to us!! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, playground, day. Cartman: Have you guys seen this? It's a conditioner that you can leave in, and it detoxifies the scalp. Stan: Wow, is that from Origins? Cartman: Yeah. It's a charcoal-based thing that- Kyle: [approaches with a football] Hey guys. You wanna throw the football around? Cartman: Guys, can I talk to you over here for a second? [pulls Stan and Kenny away from Kyle] Look, guys, a lot of the kids in school are talking, okay? And they're spreading rumors that we're not metrosexuals because... we hang out with Kyle. Stan: Well, what can we do about it? Cartman: We have no choice, you guys. We're just gonna have to kill Kyle. Stan: What?? That's stupid. We wouldn't have to kill Kyle! We would just to tell him not to hang around us anymore. Cartman: Oh, you know, you're right, Stan. We just have to tell Kyle not to hang around us anymore. Stan: Yeah. Wait, what? Cartman: You hear that, Kenny? Stan thinks we should tell Kyle not to hang around us anymore. I think he's right. Good luck telling him, Stan. I... know it won't be easy. Craig: [approaches with his friends] Hey, butch boy. Nice football you got there. [they laugh at him] Token: When was the last time you had a manicure, straight man? [Kyle picks up his football] Jason: Yeah, let's see that hair. [lifts up Kyle's hat] Look, he's not even using any product! [he and the others laugh at him. Other boys gather in and join in the laughter] Stan: [returns with Cartman and Kenny] Hey, what's goin' on? Craig: Oh, here come the butch boys to help their butchy little friend! Cartman: He's not our friend. [Stan's jaw drops a bit. Cartman looks at Stan and walks away. Kenny follows] Kyle: Stan? [Stan looks at Kyle, sighs, and walks away] Jason: [shoves Kyle a bit] This playground is for metrosexuals, macho man! Craig: Take your non-flaming ass to some other school! [the other boys gather round Kyle and gang up on him] Kyle: No! Ah! Scene Description: South Park sign, now with a bed of flowers under it. Scene Description: The Broflovski house. Kyle returns with bruises all over his body. His mom is dusting. Sheila: [sees him and drops her duster to kneel next to him] Kyle! What happened to you?! Kyle: [sniffs] I got beat up at school... for being different. Sheila: WHAT?? Your classmates beat you up for being a Jew? Kyle: No! For not being a metrosexual. Sheila: Gerald! Gerald, get down here! Gerald: [upstairs. Disco music plays] Here I come! [dances down the stairs, then moonwalks right back up, then strikes a pose.] Kyle: Oh no! Dad's metrosexual too? Gerald: Kyle! You look terrible! [walks down and approaches him] Sheila: The boys at school beat him up, Gerald. Gerald: Oh, really?! Well, don't you worry, Kyle. We can cover that black eye up with some cream base, and the coat and pants we'll bleach with an acid wash for a fun vintage look. Kyle: Gah! Just leave me alone! [walks away and passes the TV] A voice: There you go! Now you look fabulous. Kyan: You see that? A spray-on tan does wonders for your look. Kyle: GRRRRR!! Thom: Now let's get down to the tango class and learn some new steps. [the straight man smiles] Kyle: That does it! I know what I have to do! [walks off] Scene Description: Chef's house, day. Mr. Garrison rings the bell. Chef: Oh, hello, Mr. Garrison. Mr. Garrison: [sadly] Chef, can I talk to you? Chef: Sure. Come on in. Mr. Garrison: Thanks. Come, Slave. [yanks Mr. Slave in by a leash around his neck. Both men sit on Chef's couch. Mr. Slave buries his face in his hands] Oh, it's just awful, Chef! I used to feel like an outsider, a totally different person who stood out in this town! Now every straight guy is acting gayer than me! Mr. Slave: [sobs] Oh Jesus! Jesus Christ! Chef: Well, what do you want me to do about it? Mr. Garrison: Chef, what did you do when white people stole your culture? Chef: Oh. Well, we black people just always tried to stay out in front of them. Mr. Slave: [straightens up] How did you do that? Chef: Well, like with our slang. Black people always used to say, "I'm in the house" instead of "I'm here." But then white people all started to say "in the house" so we switched it to "in the hizzouse." Hizzouse became hizzizzouse, and then white folk started saying that, and we had to change it to hizzie, then "in the hizzle" which we had to change to "hizzle fo shizzle," and now, because white people say "hizzle fo shizzle," we have to say "flippity floppity floop." Mr. Garrison: [slumps forward] We don't have time for all that, Chef! Oh, if only those Queer Eye For the Straight Guy people understood what they were doing. [thinks] Wait. [rises] That's it! I know exactly what to do! [yanks on Mr. Slave's leash] Come on, Mr. Slave! Let's get back to our flippity floppity floop. [exits the front door with Mr. Slave] Chef: Oh no! Damnit! Don't call it that! [the door closes] Scene Description: South Park Train Station. Kyle approaches a ticket booth. Kyle: One ticket to New York, please. Clerk: [handing a ticket over] You're going to New York alone? Kyle: I'm going to see the Queer Eye For the Straight Guy people. Clerk: Oooo, great idea! They can help you with those dated clothes. Kyle: Mrrh. Scene Description: Kyle walks away, then unsheathed a sharp knife. He enters the train. Inside, he walks down the aisle until he sees a bench. He hops onto it and sits down. A few seconds later, he notices the two men to his left, then looks up in recognition: they are Mr. Garrison and Mr. Slave. Mr. Garrison is carrying his own knife. Kyle: Mr. Garrison? Mr. Garrison: Kyle, what are you doing here? Kyle: I'm going to New York to kill the Queer Eye For the Straight Guy people! Mr. Garrison: What?? That's what I'm doing! Kyle: Oh no! They ruined my life! I get to kill them first! Mr. Garrison: They took gay culture from real gays and their asses are ours! Kyle: I thought of it first! Mr. Garrison: No you didn't! No you didn't! Kyle: Did so! Did so! Mr. Garrison: I thought of it yesterday! Kyle: I thought of it two days ago! Mr. Garrison: I thought of it before you were born! Mr. Slave: Stop it, you two! Stop it! Don't you see how crazy this is? Mr. Garrison: Oh. [sigh] You're right, Mr. Slave. We can both kill them together. Kyle: Cool. Scene Description: South Park Mall, day. The boys are at a clothing store. Stan: Wow, we look great! Cartman: Yeah, and let's see Craig out gay us now. Randy: Boys! Boys! Come on! There's a sale down in Express for Men! [leaves. The boys follow him out. Randy calls out to the other men in the mall] Hey guys! There's a sale in Express for Men! [their wives sit on benches in the center of the mall with nothing to do] Richard: Oh my God! Man: Let's go! Let's go! Ryan: [walking down the far side of the mall] You guys have got to see these shoes I bought! Gerald: Hurry, you guys! The mall closes in seven hours! Jimbo: Oh, why can't we all live at the mall?! Sharon: You know, I'm starting to think this whole metrosexual thing isn't so great. Linda: I know what you mean. All my husband ever does now is look at himself in the mirror. He cares more about how he looks than how I look. Mrs. Tweek: I hope something happens soon to put an end to this whole fad. Scene Description: HBC Television Headquarters, New York. The head of programming is with the Queer Eye guys. Head of Programming: Guys, you've done a terrific job. Queer Eye For the Straight Guy is our number one show! [the guys cheer] Carson: What can I say? We're fabulous. Head of Programming: You guys are changing the world! And tomorrow, we're gonna have you make over the President of the United States! Jai: Oh my God, I think I'm gonna faint. [a knock is heard at the door, then it opens] Mr. Garrison: Room service. [a service cart rolls in] Head of Programming: What? We didn't order any room service. Mr. Garrison: Oh, well, the woman at the front desk sent it up. Head of Programming: Carol? [lifts the platter's lid for a brief peek, then lowers it] Well, I'll have to check on this. Excuse me a minute, fellas. [leaves. Mr. Garrison continues inside the office when the coast is clear. He takes the cart to the desk and parks it there. Kyle pops out and rushes to lock the door] Kyle: Clear! Mr. Garrison: [whips out his walkie-talkie and speaks into it] Okay, Mr. Slave! [From a nearby building Mr. Slave swings down like Spiderman and crashes through the window, but passes out on impact. His body collapses on the floor] Mr. Slave: Unh, Jesus [a chunk of window falls onto his ass] Christ. Mr. Garrison: Well crap, that didn't work. Scene Description: South Park Mall, day. Stan and his group face off against Craig and his group at the center of the mall. Stan: You'd better shut up, Craig. Craig: Everyone knows it's true! Stan: It is not! Craig: Is so! Tom: Craig! Behave yourself! Randy: Yeah, Stanley. What are you fighting about? Stan: Dad, Craig is trying to say that his dad can out dress you! Randy: What? Son, that's a silly thing to fight about. Tom: Yeah. Everyone already knows I dress better than Randy. Randy: Oh really?! Tom: I mean, you do have the fashion sense of a Japanese woman. Men: Ooooo. Randy: Please, girlfriend. You look like some kind of Little Orphan Annie nightmare. Other men: Oh no, errrr! Sharon: Oh, stop it! Will you all just stop it?! [the men fall silent] Look, you guys are carrying this fad too far! Will you please stop acting this way?! Tom: You don't... like us being metrosexual? The women: NO! Randy: Well, you know what I think? I think you're all metrophobic! The males: Yeah!! Linda: What? Jimbo: We shouldn't be fighting amongst ourselves, we should be uniting against metrophobes like these! Sharon: This is crazy! Randy: [steps forward, past the boys] Crazy? Different? Outcasts? Call us what you want. But us metros are real people, just like you! Tom: [steps forward, past the boys] You can metrobash us all you want, but we're here to stay! Craig: [steps forward, past his father] Yeah Mom! We're proud of who we are. Cartman: [steps forward] That's right. Proud. You know what I think, guys? I think we should have a metrosexual pride parade. Ryan: Great idea, Eric! Raise metrosexual awareness! Stuart: We can make floats and decorate them with streamers and flowers! Kenny: (Woohoohoo!) Randy: Come on, fellas! Out of the malls and into the streets! The males: Out of the malls and into the streets! Out of the malls and into the streets! Out of the malls and into the streets! Mrs. Tweek: What the hell did that show do to them? Scene Description: HBC Television Headquarters, New York. Police have been called in and have apprehended Mr. Garrison, Mr. Slave, and Kyle. Officer: You sure you don't want to press charges? Kyan: That's okay, officer. I think they learned murder is wrong. Carson: Especially in those pants. Mr. Garrison: [the cops leave] Look, guys, we're sorry we tried to murder you, but... You have to stop what you're doing! Jai: Are you crazy?! We're the hottest thing on TV! Mr. Garrison: But don't you see the price? You're selling out your own kind. Look, us gays have created a lifestyle, a, a culture that is uniquely ours. If we keep trying to make straight people into us, well, we're gonna have no identity left. Kyan: Sorry Charlie, no sale. [he and the others turn and walk away] Mr. Garrison: Buh... but... this doesn't make sense! [grabs his head] How can gay men do this to their own people?? [the Queer Eye guys reach the exit] Unless... you're not gay at all... [the guys stop, turn around, look at Garrison angrily, then return] Thom: You just had to push it, didn't you?! Jai: Just had to keep asking question! Carson: [locks the exit] Now you know the truth! Kyle: They aren't gay? Then what are they? Kyan: For a thousand years our kind have lived beneath the earth's crust! Banished by man in the Kindling Wars. Mr. Garrison: Oh my God. [Kyan steps forward and begins to crumble. A walking crab pops out] Leader: We are the Crab People! Kyle: AAAAAAAAAAAAH! Mr. Slave: Jesus Christ! The Queer Eye guys: [they too crumble and advance] Crab People! Crab People! Crab People! Scene Description: A subterranean cave. The crab people lead their hostages to their camp. Crab People: Crab People! Crab People! Crab People!. Crab Leader: [entirely red] See now where we have been forced to live for a thousand years! But soon we shall rule the land above, and mankind will be gone! Mr. Garrison: Gone?? ["Crab People! Crab People!"] Crab Man 2: Crab people are too small and weak to take over man by force, and so we came up with our perfect plan! [another crab person walks over to a closet full of human shells, all of them replicas of the Queer Eye guys. The crab person climbs in a Carson replica and closes the shell behind him. Carson's replica comes to life] Carson replica: If you can't beat man, [drops down from his hook] change man! Mr. Garrison: I knew it! I knew gay people would never do this to their own kind! [some crab people restrain him and Mr. Slave] Crab Leader: When all the world is metrosexual, the crab people shall finally reign supreme!! [raises his pincers and claps. The other crab people join him and clap] Crab People: Crab People! Crab People! Crab Solo: Taste like crab, talk like people. Crab People: Crab People! Kyle: You'll never turn ME into a metrosexual! I like being a dirty, filthy little boy! Crab Man 2: [approaches] Very well. If we can't make you into metrosexuals, then we will make you into crab people! Take them!! [the crab people swarm in and separate the hostages. Some of them take Kyle into Crabwear and select a crab outfit for him to wear. Then they take him to Crab Salon and put antennae on his hat, then they take him to get a facial, then they march him down the underground road] Singers(Crab People): All things just keep getting better You... came into my life (Crab People) and my world never looked so bright. Yeah. (Crab People) It's true. You bring out the best in me. (Crab People) When you are around, when you are around, (Crab People) All things just keep getting better. (Crab People) Scene Description: South Park, day. A Metrosexual Pride Parade moves down the street in the background, and News 4 is covering it. Reporter: Tom, I'm standing in South Park, Colorado, where the first Metrosexual Pride Parade is underway! [in a rainbow peacock float Randy, Jimbo, Skeeter and Stuart ride and cheer. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny ride in a banana float which features an ocean wave and a palm tree. On the tree waves a rainbow flag that says "Here to Stay" The boys: We're here! [clap clap] We're not queer! [clap clap] But we're close! [clap clap] Get used to it! We're here! [clap clap] We're not queer! [clap clap] But we're close! [clap clap] Get used to it! Sharon: [as the boys' voices fade away] That does it! I can't take it anymore! The boys: We're here! [clap clap] We're not queer! [clap clap] But we're close! [clap clap] Get used to it! Linda: I should have never wished for a cleaner, neater husband. Sharon: Ladies, get your things! I know what we have to do! [leads the ladies away. Randy's float hits a pothole and veers to the right. It hits the sushi restaurant as the spectators back away quickly] Jimbo: Whoa, look out! [the float hits the building and breaks a window. A small fire is heard] Randy: Oh my God, it's on fire! [the men jump out of the float and run to the other side of the street] Skeeter: Put it out! Put it out! Randy: I can't do anything! These are brand-new pants! Skeeter: The heat could really damage our hair. We'd better let the police handle this! Officer Barbrady: [seated on his patrol car, buffing his nails] Are you crazy? I just had my uniform pressed! Jimbo: [the float and building are now fully engulfed in flames] Oh Jesus, it's burning! Oh my God! Skeeter: Eeeek! Randy: Put it out! Put it out! Fire! Scene Description: HBC Headquarters, New York. The Queer Eye guys work on President Bush on their show. Carson: Mr. President, it is such an honor to make you over! Kyan: Now, we've got to do something with your hair. Thom: And your nails are filthy. Let's get those clean. Head of Programming: This is gay gold! [Mr. Garrison, Mr. Slave, and Kyle look down from the sound booth] Mr. Garrison: Stop them! They're crab people! Crab Man 3: They cannot see or hear us, foolish man. Now stand by and watch as your pitiful race becomes helpless!! Carson: That is very good, Mr. President. Now, put on this silk jacket. [Kyan, Jai, and Thom remove the President's coat and Carson hands him the jacket] Kyle: No Mr. President!! Don't do it! [the crab man holding him quickly covers his mouth] Help! Mr. Garrison: You bastards! Kyan: That looks great! Now, how about some moisturizer. [Bush and the guys smile. The studio door bursts open and the women flood into the studio wielding bats] Sharon: There they are! Get 'em! Kyan: What? [their smiles vanish] Linda: You turned our husbands into whiny little wusses!! Sarah: It's payback time! [the women rush in and start beating up the Queer Eye guys] Head of Programming: Oh my God, what are they doing?! Crab Man 3: Oh noooo!! [Mr. Garrison and Mr. Slave react and crack the crab people in two in the booth as the women finish Queer Eye guys off below] Head of Programming: [kneeling at the corpses of Carson and Kyan] Wha? What have you done? Sharon: We're sorry, but we didn't have a choice. You see, at first we liked having our men be clean and neat. We thought that having them use product in their hair and wanting facials would make them sexier. But it doesn't. Linda: That's right. Event though my Steven sickens me out sometimes, it's his rugged manly grossness that I'm attracted to. Sarah: We're sorry, but we knew that the only answer was tuh kill the Queer Eye guys. Head of Programming: Well you're going to jail for thi-! [Kyan's body begins to move, and the HoP looks down] Wait a minute. [a crab man crawls out] What is that? Crab Leader: No! Our evil plans! Noooo... [dies] Head of Programming: Oh my God. They were crab people. Mr. Garrison: [enters the studio with Slave and Kyle in tow] Yes! They were trying to systematically make men into wusses so they could take over the world! Kyle: Mom! Sheila: Kyle! Head of Programming: I should have known they were crab people. They tried this before with The Jeffersons. Mr. Garrison: So now, can you please change your network's programming? Head of Programming: Yes. Yes, I think this gay fad is over. Gentlemen, back to Studio 12! We're gonna bring back the Latin fad. Scene Description: South Park. The sign has been redrawn with a barrio graffiti font. Scene Description: The McCormick house, day. Randy, Jimbo, Skeeter, and Stuart are now dressed as cholos on the porch. Two six-packs of Coronas are on the ground. Some of the bottles are already empty. Randy: Hey eses. Stuart: Hey hefe. You want some cerveza? [hands Randy a beer.] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Kyle walks into view in the school hall. Stan: Kyle. Hey, ese. You wanna come play catch with us? Kyle: What? Y-you want me to hang out with you? Stan: Yeah. It's cool, holmes. Kyle: No, dude, it really isn't cool. You all turned your backs on me. You're supposed to be my best friends and you just... treated me like nothing! And now you all expect me to just forget it all and, and hang out with you again like nothing happened? Stan: Aw Jesus, Kyle, don't be such a whiny little gaywad! Come play catch with us. [turns and walks away] Cartman: Yeah, don't be such a fag, dude! [turns and walks away. Kenny just looks at him and walks off. Kyle looks away, then back at the boys, then walks away in the opposite direction. He stops, thinks for a while, then turns around and hurries to them] Kyle: God-damnit!

Scene Description: Stan and the boys are in the Marsh garage belting out tunes, but their musical styles are scattered. Cartman sings lead, Stan and Kyle on are guitars, Kenny is on the drums. Cartman: God dammit! [hangs his head and lets the mic stand fall into his left hand. All stop playing and the side door opens] Randy: [looks in] Stan, are you okay? Stan: Yeah, dad. We're just rehearsing our band. [Cartman straightens up] Randy: Ooohhh, I thought a group of Vietnamese people were having their intestines pulled out through their mouths. [steps back and closes the door] Cartman: [cackling] Heheheheheh heheheheheh. Kyle: He's right, dude. We have to define our style if we're ever going to make a platinum album. I mean, ah I'm a fusion guy, but Kenny's background is more Latin Jazz. Kenny: (What? Is it?) Stan: Yeah, and I'm more hip-hop and R-and-B oriented. [Cartman paces the floor with arms behind his back] Kyle: I think out band better buy a whole bunch of music CDs to listen to for inspiration. Cartman: [stops] Inspiration. Wait a minute, [turns right and walks away from them] that's it. Inspiration, you guys. Don't you see? Stan: See what? Cartman: [turns around] Our band should play Christian rock! [beams with pride] Kyle: Christian rock?! Cartman: [races back to the band] Think about it! It's the easiest crappiest music in the world, right? If we just play songs about how much we love Jesus, all the Christians will buy our crap! Kyle: That's a retarded idea, Cartman! Cartman: [protests, takes a step towards Kyle] It worked for Creed! Stan: I don't wanna be in a stupid Christian rock band! Cartman: [steps towards Stan] You just start that way, Stan, then you cross over. It's genius! Kyle: [pointing to an exit] Just get the hell out of here, Cartman! You're not serious and you're a detriment to the band! Cartman: Oh yeah?! I will bet you ten bucks that if I start a Christian rock band that I can get a platinum album before you guys do! Kyle: You're on, fat boy! Cartman: Okay, fine! Ready?! First one to have a platinum album wins! Go! [runs out as fast as his fat little body will let him, and pants] Kyle: [after a few seconds of watching the door] What a stupid asshole! Scene Description: The neighborhood, day. Cartman runs through the streets. He appears over a rise on one of the streets. Cartman: Platinum album! Platinum album! Gotta make a platinum album before Kyle! [runs up to a house and pounds on the front door. The door opens up and it's Butters who answers] Butters: Oh, hi Eric. Cartman: Butters! Get your drum set and meet me at my house! We have to make a platinum album! Hurry, Butters! [dashes off] Butters: [watching Cartman run off] ...Ohhh! Scene Description: Token's mansion. Cartman runs up to the front door. Cartman: No time to waste! Platinum album! Must beat Kyle! [pounds on the door and Token answers] Token! Get the bass guitar out of your basement and meet me over at my house! [turns around and dashes off] Token: What?! We don't have a bass guitar. Cartman: [spins around] Your family's black, Token! There's bound to be a bass guitar in your basement somewhere! [runs off. Token gets annoyed and shuts the door] Scene Description: Cartman's house. He and Butters are in the living room. Cartman is at the piano, Butters is on drums. Butters: Whoa, you sure seem with it, Eric. You must have some... inspiration. Cartman: Yes, the tears of Kyle Broflovski when he loses his ten dollars to me. [makes changes to the sheet music on the piano's sheet music holder] Token: [arrives with a bass and a small amplifier] Hey, there was a bass guitar in my basement. Cartman: I told you, Token. Token: So, what are we doing? Cartman: Gentlemen, we are about to embark on the most amazing, life-affirming, financially windfalling experiences of our young lives. Butters: Wow! Cartman: We are going to start... a Christian rock band. Butters: [his smile vanishes and he slumps in his chair] Awww. Token: [moves towards the front door] I'm out. [picks up his amp] Cartman: Wait! [Token stops, Cartman rushes over] Walk out that door, Token, and you'll regret it the rest of your life! Christians have a built-in audience of over one hundred and eighty million Americans! If each one of them buys just one of our albums at twelve dollars and ninety-five cents that would be- [points to Butters] Butters: Two billion, three hundred and thirty one million dollars. Cartman: Still want to leave, Token? [Token thinks a bit, then resumes his place] Thank you. Scene Description: The Broflovski house, living room. Gerald and Sheila are on the sofa. Gerald reads a book, Sheila is knitting. Kyle: [enters and stands before them] Dad, can I borrow three hundred dollars? Gerald: Three hundred dollars?? What in the world for?? Kyle: Our band can't find a stylistic direction to go in. We need to go down to the mall to buy hundreds of CDs to listen to so we can define our sound. Gerald: Sorry Kyle, we gave you your allowance already. Kyle: Ugh. Can't you see this is my dream?? Music is my life! Gerald: It wasn't your life yesterday. [resumes reading] Kyle: Hold it. [plaintive] Pops, I've got the music inside me. It's in my soul. And I know my place is up on that stage. I'm gonna make it to the top. And I just want your blessing, Pops. Gerald: The answer is no, Kyle. Kyle: Aw, come on Dad, don't be such a Jew! Sheila: Kyle, don't belittle your own people! Kyle: [turns and walks off in frustration] Aaaargh! [heads for the front door and opens it. Stan and Kenny approach the entrance. It's night out.] Stan: Hey dude. Kyle: It didn't work! My stupid Jew dad won't lend me money for CDs! Stan: No, dude, it's cool. Kenny says you can download music for free on the Internet! Kyle: Really? Kenny: (Yeah!) Stan: You got a computer? Scene Description: Stan's Dad's den, moments later. The boys are at the computer. Stan works the keyboard as Kyle and Kenny watch. Stan: See? Everyone on the Internet copies their music from their CDs, and then we can download them for free and play them on the computer! Kyle: All right, cool. [takes over] Let's download some Metallica, and some Stevie Wonder. [with each name, he clicks on some songs and a download indicator shows download progress for each one. It's an extremely fast connection] Kenny: (Oh you forgot to get some Judas Priest.) Stan: Kenny's right. We should download some Judas Priest, too. Kyle: [types in the search box] Judas Priest. [a two-tone bell sound indicates a successful download] Wow! Downloading music for free is awesome! [immediately, helicopters are heard coming and the light outside turns bright white. A night sun hovers overhead and stops at a position in which the helicopter pilots can see inside the den. Police sirens are then heard] Stan: What the hell is that? Kyle: I don't know. [drops from the bench and walks over to a window] Let me go check. [an FBI agent crashes through the window, falls and rolls into a standing position, then aims his firearm at the boys. The boys are startled and jump] Agent 1: Freeze!! FBI!! [a second agent crashes through the other window and rolls into position as well. A third agent leaps in through the second window] Agent 2: Down on the ground! Down on the ground! [the boys are herded closer together. Three thumps are heard on the door and more agents break in with a battering ram.] Agent 3: Hurry up! Let me see those hands! [the boys quickly raise their hands as more agents pour in. The boys are handcuffed] Agent 2: [into his walkie-talkie] Tango Teamus to Point Bravo! Suspects in custody! [the boys are escorted out of the room] Agent 4: Move move move move move move! All clear, men! [to the boys] Get your ass going! Agent 5: Move move move move move move! Move! Gerald: [appears at the door with Sheila] Kyle, what did you do?! Kyle: [being herded into an FBI van with the other boys] I don't know! Scene Description: Cartman's house. He, Token and Butters begin to practice. Cartman: All right, guys, this is gonna be so easy. All we have to do to make Christian songs is take regular old songs and add Jesus stuff to them. [some sheet music is shown. Cartman has already crossed out the original author's name] See? All we have to do is cross out words like "baby" and "Darling" and replace them with [writes next to "baby"] Jesus. All right, Butters, give me a beat. [Butters doesn't understand, but starts drumming. It's rather good] Okay, nice. Very nice. All right, Token, give me a smooth bass line. Token: I don't know how to play bass. [Butters stops] Cartman: [Sighs, has his left fist on his forehead, eyes shut] Token, how many times do we have to go through this? You're black. You can play bass. Token: I'm gettin' sick of your stereotypes! Cartman: Be as sick as you want, just give me a God-damned bass line! [Token begins to play a bass line, then is surprised that he can actually do it, then realizes that Cartman is right] Token: God-damnit! [Butters joins in and their sounds flow together] Cartman: All right. Nice, fellas. Nice. [begins to sing] I need you in my life, Jesus. I can't live without you, Jesus And I just want to feel you deep inside me, Jesus. Butters: Well done! Scene Description: United States Federal Bureau of Investigation, day. Inside, a detective reviews some reports on the boys' Internet activity. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny wait on the other side of the table. Kyle: [some seconds later] Um, sir- Yates: Shut up!! [the boys jump in their seats, then look down, chagrined] You downloaded a lot of songs! Says here you even downloaded Judas Priest? That's hard time you boys are lookin' at. You got anything to say for yourselves? Kyle: [rubs the table a bit] We d-didn't think it was that big a deal. Yates: [pissed off] Not a big deal! You think downloading music for free is not a big deal?! Put your coats on! I'm gonna show you something! And I don't think you're gonna like it! Scene Description: A mansion, unknown location, day. The agent has taken the boys for a ride and arrived here. He leads them to the main gate. Yates: This is the home of Lars Ulrich, the drummer for Metallica. [they approach a bush] Look. There's Lars now, sitting by his pool. [he's seen sitting on the edge of a chaise longue, his face in his hands, softly sobbing] Kyle: What's the matter with him? Yates: This month he was hoping to have a gold-plated shark tank bar installed right next to the pool, but thanks to people downloading his music for free, he must now wait a few months before he can afford it. Yates: [a close-up of Lars sobbing] Come. There's more. [leads them away. Next seen is a small airport at night] Here's Britney Spears' private jet. Notice anything? [a shot of Britney boarding a plane, then stopping to look at it before entering] Britney used to have a Gulfstream IV. Now she's had to sell it and get a Gulfstream III because people like you chose to download her music for free. [Britney gives a heavy sigh and goes inside.] The Gulfstream III doesn't even have a remote control for its surround-sound DVD system. Still think downloading music for free is no big deal? Kyle: We... didn't realize what we were doing, eh... Yates: That is the folly of man. Now look in this window. [they are at another mansion, and they look inside a picture window] Here you see the loving family of Master P. [He's shown tossing a basketball to his wife while his kid tries to catch it] Next week is his son's birthday and, all he's ever wanted was an island in French Polynesia. [his mom lowers the ball and gives it to the boy, who smiles, picks it up and drops it. It rolls away and he goes after it] Kyle: So, he's gonna get it, right? Yates: I see an island without an owner. If things keep going the way they are, the child will not get his tropical paradise. Stan: [apologetically] We're sorry! We'll, we'll never download music for free again! Yates: [somberly, dramatically] Man must learn to think of these horrible outcomes before he acts selfishly or else... I fear... recording artists will be forever doomed to a life of only semi-luxury. Scene Description: Some bluffs by a beach, dawn. Cartman, Token and Butters scramble over some boulders to get to the beach. Seagulls fly overhead. Cartman: Almost there, you guys. Butters: Ow... Token: Why the hell did you tell us to dress nice to take us out here? Cartman: Because, Token, we have to take pictures for our album cover. [sets up his camera on a tripod] The key to a hot-selling Christian album is a flashy inspirational album cover. Butters: Wow, neato! An album cover! [walks out onto the sand] Token: [follows Butters onto the sand] This Christian album better make as much money as you said it would, tubby! Cartman: [when Token seems out of earshot] I'm going to kill you one day, Token. Token: [spins around] What did you say?! [Cartman is startled] Cartman: Nothing. All right, guys, stand over there and look wholesome and cool. I have a timer on this thing so I can get in the shot too. [begins to focus the shot. Butters and Token stand together] Butters: Cheese! Cartman: No no! Haven't you guys ever seen an album cover? You're supposed to be standing in random places, looking away like you don't care! [Butters and Cartman move apart. Token moves off to a boulder a little farther away, Butters moves a bit closer to the camera] Butters: Cheese! Cartman: No! Butters, you can't look happy on the album cover! That's not cool! Butters: Oh... Cartman: Token, look away to the right. [Token looks off to the right] More. [Token turns his head to the right] More! Token: [turns all his body to the right] Why the hell would I be looking way over there?? Cartman: So it looks like you're too cool to care that you're on an album cover, you black asshole! Now just hold it! [starts the timer, then steps into the shot] Our first album cover. Scene Description: He raises his hands and head in praise and closes his eyes. The first shot is taken. More album covers. First, the three boys looking down at the camera as if in a football huddle. Next, a shot of the three of them standing in line, frowning. Next, a shot of Cartman making more changes to sheet music, Cartman in his room/home studio making changes with a reel-to-reel player beside him, Cartman on a bus writing new lyrics onto his left palm: "Jesus is awesome. I love him so much. Jesus is great." Cartman playing his changes on the reel-to-reel player to his band-mates. At Butters' house Butters presents Cartman with a fresh print of their first album wrapped in cellophane. Token uses a hair dryer on the CD to shrink-wrap the cellophane in place, and the camera zooms in. While the scenes roll by, Cartman sings. Cartman: Don't ever leave me, Jesus. I couldn't stand to see you go. My heart would simply snap, my Lord, if you walked on out that door. I promise I'll be good to you, and keep you warm at night. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, why don't we just... shut off the lights. Scene Description: The FBI building, next day. The parents have shown up to retrieve the boys. Gerald: Thanks for releasing them to us, detective. Sorry for all the trouble they caused. Yates: It's all right. I think these boys learned their lesson. Stan: Boy, I'll say! Yates: If you parents will just step over here, you can pay their four hundred dollar release and penalty fees. Randy: Four hundred dollars? Just for downloading some songs off the Internet? It's not that big a deal. Yates: Not a big deal, huh?! Come with me! I'm gonna show you something! And I don't think you're gonna like it! [leads the parents away] Stan: [walks off in the opposite direction] Wugh, dude. I can't wait to just go back home and get back to band practice. Kenny: (Yeah) Kyle: No! Didn't you guys learn anything? Look, if we make an album, all that's gonna happen is that people are gonna steal our songs for free off the Internet. We won't make a dime! Stan: Oh yeah. Kyle: Until we get people to stop downloading music for free, I say we refuse to play! Kenny: (Yeah!) Scene Description: Kyle's house, day. A reporter stands in front of it waiting to make his report. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny sit on the steps with a sign beside them: "Musicians on Strike". Field Reporter: Tom, I'm standing in South Park, Colorado, where the rock band, MOOP, has refused to play. The strike started yesterday and could go well into next week. Cartman: [walks up] Oh hey guys. How's it going? Kyle: We're not letting you back in the band, Cartman! Fuck off! Cartman: [brushes off Kyle's comment] I don't wanna be in your crappy band, guys. I just wanted to let you know, the album for my Christian rock band, [brings out the CD] Faith + 1, is about to go platinum. Stan: It is?? [Kyle's jaw drops] Cartman: That's right. We already sold thirteen copies. You wanna pay me that ten-dollar bet, Kyle? Nyanyanyanya nya nya! [tugs at one of the lobes on Kyle's hat] Hahahaha ha ha! Kyle: You get a platinum album for selling one million copies, you fat turd! Cartman: It's just a matter of time, my friends. This weekend is Christfest. The single largest gathering of Christians in the Midwest. Each one of them a walking, praying wallet full of cash. And I'll be there selling my album. Kyle: You'll never get a platinum album doing Christian rock, Cartman! It was a stupid idea then, and it's a stupid idea now! Stan: Yeah, you don't even know anything about Christianity. Cartman: I know enough to exploit it. Just get that ten bucks ready, Kyle. Ta-ta! [walks off] Kyle: Go ahead! People will just download your songs for free on the Internet anyways! Stan: What a dumbass. Our band is way cooler than his. Kenny: (Yeah.) Scene Description: Christ-fest, night. A stadium's parking lot is crowded with all sorts of booths selling stuff. T-Shirt vendor: Psalm T-Shirts! Get a T-Shirt with your favorite psalm! Bible vendor: Leather-bound bibles. Show your faith. Cartman: Yes, it's really the best Christian album that's ever been produced, actually.. Elderly woman: Oh, this will be great for my grandchildren. They need hip cool music, but with inspirational lyrics. Cartman: [takes the woman's body and puts it in the treasurer's box] I think that's what the whole world needs, praise Christ. Butters: Huh we're not really Christians, we're just pretendin' we are. [Cartman flashes an angry look at Butters. The woman looks deceived, but she takes the album with her anyway] Cartman: Butters, remind me later to cut your balls off. MC: [the boys look up] All right, everyone! Welcome to Christfest 2003! [the boys leave their booth and enter the stadium] are you ready for some live music? [the crown inside begins to move] A Man: Yeah Jesus! MC: Then let's give it up now for one of Christian rock's biggest bands! Trinity! [the lights come up on them] Trinity: The Shepherd and the Light, and His Word lifted me up And I praise His Holy Name wherever I go. Cartman: [listening backstage, moves away a big] Dammit! If we're gonna sell our hot Christian album, we have got to get on that stage! [a group of men walk by] Sanctified member 1: Hey is this the way to the backstage? Cartman: Who are you? Sanctified member 1: We're the band Sanctified. We play metal and punk, but with lyrics that inspire faith in Christ. Sanctified member 2: Yeah. We proved that Christian music can be tough and hard core. Cartman: Yeah, you guys are real hardcore. Sanctified member 1: You bet your gosh-darned rear end we are! Stage Hand: [stepping in] All right, uhh, Sanctified, you guys are up next. Sanctified member 3: Yeah! Let's do it! Sanctified member 2: Sent down from Heaven! The Spirit and the Glory! Cartman: Eh hey guys, wait, uh, ..we wannaaa play with you before you go onstage. Sanctified member 2: Well, that, that's cool. Sanctified member 1: Always good to be praying before you're playin'. Cartman: [edges over to a storage room with an open door] Let's just go over here so we can hear ourselves better. [enters. The members of Sanctified follow him in] Lord, Father in Heaven, we thank you for all your blessings and we... [quickly runs out and locks the band in, then props a chair up against the doorknob so the band can't get out] Butters: Hey, Eric, I don't think they can get out. [a shot of the stadium's exterior, then of the stands and stage] MC: All right, Christians, how are you feeling tonight? [the crowd cheers] Fans: Praise Jesus! Praise him! My Lord! MC: Let's keep this salvation train going with the hot band, Sanctified! Stage Hand: [walks up and whispers] That's Faith + 1. MC: Uh. Uh apparently there's been a change. Give it up for ... Faith + 1! [steps away as the house lights converge on the group. They begin to play] Cartman: You know, Jesus? I've been thinking a lot about you lately and, well, that's why I wrote this song. I love you, Jesus. I want you to walk with me [the fans sway back and forth] I'll take good care of you baby. Call you my baby, baby! You died for my sins, and you know that I would die for you, right? What's the matter, baby? You tremble at Jesus, baby! Your love... is my life! You know when I'm without you, there's a black hole in my life! Oo-ohhh! I wanna believe. It's all right, 'cause I get lonely in the night and it's up to you to Save me! Jee...sus...bay-by! Scene Description: Kyle's house, day. The MOOP boys are still sitting on the steps, sulking, striking. Stan: [sighs] Dude, I didn't know being in a band was gonna be this tough. Kyle: Yeah, it's tough. But it's times like these that... you see what your band is made of. We've gotta fight through the rough times like Journey! Field reporter: [the News 4 crew is still there, too] Tom, we're now entering the second day of the rock band MOOP's refusal to play, and the second day of absolutely no other news to report on. In a recent poll we asked people if MOOP's refusal to play would stop them from downloading music off the Internet. One percent said yes. Two percent said no. And ninety-seven percent said, "Who the hell is MOOP?!" Back to you, Tom. Lars Ulrich: [the guys from Metallica approach] Hey, are you the guys protesting free Internet music downloading? Stan: [awed] Hey, it's that Lars Ulrich guy! Lars Ulrich: That's right. Metallica is behind you dudes a thousand percent! James Hetfield: We're gonna sit here and protest with you until free downloadin' stop, hyeah! Field reporter: Tom, it appears now the musicians' strike is growing! As I'm speaking, more musicians are arriving! It looks like Alanis Morissette, Blink 182, Britney Spears, and dozens of others are going to join MOOP in not playing music. This is a veritable Strikapalooza! Scene Description: Faith Records. Doves fly across the view. The building is bathed in bright sunlight. CEO: Guys, we here at Faith Records were very moved by your performance at Christfest. You're one of the most talented Christian rock bands we've ever heard! Cartman: Thank you so much. Christ has really blessed us with talent. Butters: [tickled by Cartman's line] Heeheeheeyeah. Executive 1: [looking at some papers, starts off hesitantly] We just have one question, though. We were looking over some of your lyrics, uh... "I want to walk hand-in-hand with Jesus on a private beach for two./I want him to nibble on my ear and say 'I'm here for you.'" It...it seems you really love Christ. Cartman: Yes, we sure do. Executive 1: Eh no but it appears you are actually... in love with Christ. [the boys look at each other confused] Cartman: [turns the tables] Well what are you saying? That, that you don't really love Christ?? Executive 1: [on the defensive] Well uh of course I do. I mean I just- Cartman: Well what's the difference?! You love Christ, you're in love with Christ, I mean, uh, what the heck is this?? Executive 1: Uh, we'd just like to make sure the bands we sign are in it for God, and not for the money. Cartman: I resent that, sir! I have never in my life done anything just for the money! If I'm lying may the Lord strike me down right now. Butters: [slowly moves away] Uhm, oh. [leaves his chair] Executive 1: That's- all we needed to know. Just, sign here and we'll get your album sold. Scene Description: Commercial. A partly-cloudy sky is shown. Announcer: K-tal Records [its logo descends from the sky and drops below the screen] presents the most inspirational Christian rock band in the world! Faith + 1, [The CD cover appears] featuring the very best in good, wholesome Christian music. Cartman: Oh Lord you are my Savior! You know I miss you so much when you are gone. Announcer: [speaking over Cartman] With great inspirational songs like "I Wasn't Born Again Yesterday," Cartman: Yes I may be born again, but I was wasn't born again yesterday. Cartman: I wanna get down on my knees and start pleasing Jesus! I wanna feel his salvation all over my face! Announcer: [a shot of a home library, with fireplace and the CD propped on an end table] The CD is filled with instant classics. Who doesn't remember... [the titles scroll by: "The Body of Christ," "Christ Again," "A Night With the Lord," "Touch Me Jesus," "I Found Jesus (With Someone Else)," "Savior Self," "Christ, What a Day," "Three Times My Savior," "Jesus Touched Me"] Cartman: The Body of Christ! Sleek swimmer's body, all muscled up and toned! The Body of Christ! O, Lord Almighty, I wish I could call it my own! You're one time, two times, three times my Savior... Whenever I see Jesus up on that Cross I can't help but think that he looks kinda hot... Announcer: ["Quantities Limited!!!" cycles on the screen] This album is not available in stores and limited quantities are available, so order now! Scene Description: Kyle's house, day. Various musical acts, some of them from Chef Aid, have gathered to strike against free music downloads with MOOP, including the Lord of the Underworld! Stan: I can't take this much longer. Maybe we're just, not cut out to be in a band. Kyle: You guys, we can't give up on our dreams now! As soon as this strike ends, we're gonna be the biggest band ever! Lars: Yeah, if we all give in now, people might never stop downloading our music for free! Kyle: I'm sure we're gonna get word any minute that people have agreed to stop. [a vehicle is heard pulling up. It's a U.S. Mail van. The driver steps out and approaches the crowd] Driver: Certified letter for the rock band MOOP? Kyle: [steps down to get the letter] That's us! [the driver hands him the letter and leaves. Kyle opens the envelope and reads] "Dear MOOP. This letter is to inform you that Faith Plus One's debut album has just sold one million copies." Stan: What?? Kyle: "We cordially invite you to attend the platinum album award ceremony, which will be held tomorrow morning at ten. Details and proof of sales enclosed. P.S. Nananana na na. Hahahaha ha ha." [stands silently for a moment, then hands the letter to Stan and walks forth a bit] He did it. Cartman got a platinum album. Stan: Is this for real?? This is for real! Kyle: He beat us. Because all this time we've been so caught up with how to protect our music that we forgot to just play. Lars: But why play if we're not gonna make millions of dollars? Kyle: [turns around and addresses the crowd] Because that's what real artists do. People are always gonna find a way to copy our music and swap it for free. If we're real musicians, then we should just play and be stoked that so many people are listening. Stan: [joins Kyle and faces the crowd] Besides, maybe our songs would have gotten downloaded for free, but if they were good songs then people still would have bought tickets to see our band in concert. [shots of Rick James, Ozzy, Britney and two other acts.] Kyle: From now on, MOOP isn't about money. MOOP is about music! We're not striking anymore! Who's with us?! [grins, but gets no response] Britney: ...We're just about the money. Other acts: Yeah, yeah. Kyle: [casts his eyes down] Oh. Stan: So... Dude, what are you gonna do about your bet with Cartman? Are you- gonna pay 'im? Kyle: I don't have a choice, dude. I'm gonna swallow my pride, face Cartman, and say "Congratulations. You were right." And I'm gonna give him the ten dollars. And hopefully, he won't make a big deal out of it. Scene Description: Platinum album award ceremony, South Park, next day. Cartman has spent plenty of money to make this possible. He brings forth a parade complete with elephants, clowns, jugglers, a marching band, carnival rides, the works. Cartman stands on stage with Token and Butters before a curtain with a large image of his album cover printed on it. Cartman: Welcome! Welcome everyone! Please enjoy! The presentation should begin shortly. Token: Cartman, what the hell is all this? Cartman: Our platinum album ceremony. I spared no expense. Token: But you spent all the money we made! Cartman: We're Faith Plus One, Token, there'll be plenty more money. Relax and enjoy, black asshole. [addresses the milling crowd] There's hors d'oeuvres and drinks by the Ferris wheel, everyone! [Stan, Kyle, and Kenny arrive and join Cartman onstage] Oh Kyle, guys, so nice to see you! Kyle: Let's just get this over with, Cartman. You won the bet, here's ten dollars. Cartman: [deferring] Oh nonononono, not yet, Kyle. Hold on. [grabs the mic and addresses the crowd] Everyone! Everyone, can I have your attention please? [the crowd cheers wildly] A fan: We like to praise Christ! Cartman: Yes, yes, thank you thank you. Praise Him. I think we're ready to start now. [Kyle is awfully pissed. A technician lowers a lever and stage lights bathe the boys] Announcer: [a power chord is played, with angelic accompaniment added] Welcome to the presentation ceremony for Faith Plus One. [the crowd cheers] And now to present the award, here's Michael Collins. [he walks up with a plaque] Kyle: This is the worst day of my life. Cartman: Ahhh, this is the best day of my life. [basks in the moment] Michael Collins: Boys, in recognition for over one million records sold, the Christian Recording Industry is pleased to present you with this Myrrh album. [presents the album plaque to Cartman. The crowd cheers] Cartman: [takes the album] Thank you very uh- wah? Myrrh album? Stan: I thought albums win either gold or platinum. Michael Collins: Nono, in Christian rock, our albums go gold and frankincense and myrrh. Congratulations! Kyle: Ha! Our bet was that you would get a platinum album, not a myrrh album! I don't owe you anything, fat boy! Cartman: You mean to tell me I can never get a platinum album with a Christian rock band?! Michael Collins: No, but you can go double myrrh. [Kyle walks off and Cartman gets pissed] Cartman: GOD DAMMIT!! [throws his plaque onto the ground, where it shatters. The myrrh album falls away and the crowd is stunned] Michael Collins: [tries to calm Cartman down] Oh, please don't take the Lord's Name in vain. Cartman: Who cares?! I can never win my bet because you stupid assholes don't give out platinum albums! Michael Collins: But you spread the Word of the Lord. You've brought faith in Jesus. Cartman: OH, FUCK JESUS!! [deep gasp from the crowd. A woman screams loudly in disbelief] Butters: Eric, I-I'm pretty sure you shouldn't say the F-word about-uh Jesus. Token: Yeah. You're gonna hurt the band. Cartman: [pounces onto him] Who fuckin' cares, Token?! I can never beat Kyle now! I'll say it again! Fuck Jesus! [The crowd screams in disbelief and scatters about] A Man: My ears are bleeding! Token: Good job, dickhead! You lost the entire audience! Cartman: Ah, fuck you, Token! You black asshole! Scene Description: Token has had enough of that. He smacks Cartman with a left fist, a right fist, and a kick to the head. Cartman is laid out on his back and Token walks away. Cartman rises, but ends up on all fours coughing. A shot of Stan, Kyle, and Kenny. They turn to leave. Stan: Hm. Guess he got what he deserved. Scene Description: They walk away, leaving Butters. Cartman is still coughing and Butters is unsure what to do. He rubs his fists past each other tentatively. Then he farts on Cartman's head and flips him off. Butters: Fuck you, Eric. [He walks away.]

Scene Description: South Park Farmer's Market, Day. A crowd is gathered under this banner and listens to Father Maxi as he delivers a service. Father Maxi: Friends, we gather in this place to mourn the victims of yesterday's tragedy: nine good people who were run over in the street by an elderly woman driver. [the four boys are shown in their funeral best] Cartman: [yawns] Oh God, memorial services are sooo boring. Kyle: [jabs Cartman and says in hushed tones] You insensitive asshole, Cartman! Nine people died! Cartman: Yeah, but like, eight of them were hippies. Mostly hippies go to farmer's markets. Mostly. Father Maxi: It is sometimes hard, in times like these, to understand God's way. Why would he allow nine innocent people to be run down in the prime of their lives by a senior citizen who, perhaps, shouldn't be driving? It is then that we must understand, God's sense of humor is very different from our own. He does not laugh at the simple "man walks into a bar" joke. No, God needs complex irony and subtle farcical twists that seem macabre to you and me. All that we can hope for is that God got his good laugh and a tragedy such as this will never happen again. [screeching tires are heard] Mr. Garrison: [rushing into the crowd] Look out!! [everyone turns to see. An elderly driver approaches them] Elderly driver: [somewhat short, nearsighted] Huh? Was that a stop sign back there? [the banner recedes behind him. Everyone screams and the driver begins mowing people down. He crashes into a light standard at the other end of the market] Ooooh, I think I hit a pothole. Scene Description: Stan's house, night. The family is eating dinner. Stan: Hey Dad, how come they let old people drive? Randy: Well, Stan, it's a very fragile issue. Stan: But they kill people. Randy: Sometimes, yes, but senior citizens have to be dealt with very gingerly, Stan. We can't just take their licenses away. Marvin: [enters in his motorized wheelchair] I'll be Goddamned if they think they can take my license away! [stops at his place at table] Sharon: Oooh, Hi Dad. Marvin: [to Randy] I heard what you said! You wanna take drivin' privileges away from seniors! Well let me tell you something, peckerface! I worked fifty five years in the steel mill! Randy: Yes Dad. Marvin: And I flew Spitfires over Germany in World War II! Randy: Yes I know. Marvin: And I will be God-damned if the government thinks it can step in and take away my right to drive! Stan: I think old people should have rights, Grandpa. I just don't wanna die. Scene Description: Stark's Pond, night. A lone man is fishing in the middle of the pond. He senses something ominous and looks around. On the road nearby, a brown Buick drives by slowly. A short old woman is at the wheel. Elderly man: Damnit Mona, this isn't the fastest way to Country Kitchen Buffet! Mona: No, but it's the shortest. I save the most gas that way. [back at the pond the fisherman casts his line and looks back at the car] Elderly man: You save the most gas if you take the highway to Country Kitchen Buffet! Mona: Less miles means less gas, you old fool. [back at the pond the fisherman catches something and is reeling it in, but looks at the car in doing so] Elderly man: There's Country Kitchen right there! Mona: Where? Elderly man: Right there! You're gonna miss it! [the woman steps hard on the brake and spins the car out of control. The fisherman is about to put his catch into his little boat. The car smashes through the guard rail over a bridge and lands directly on the fisherman, killing him.] Mona: Is this the parking lot? Elderly man: I think so. Scene Description: News 4. A splash screen shows various correspondents and anchors, and a globe spins in front of the Montage. Anchor: Another death tonight by a senior citizen motorist. Carl Zorn of Pine Junction was killed instantly when struck by a vehicle driven by Pete and Lydia Malman, who were trying to find Country Kitchen Buffet. This latest tragedy comes only two days after the accident in Deer Creek, where three construction workers and a bulldozer [shown] were run down by senior citizen Paul Thom [shown, irate], who was trying to find Country Kitchen Buffet. Public outcry is forcing the DMV to consider suspending the licenses of all seniors over seventy, though no decision has yet to be made. Scene Description: Park County Community Center, day. The seniors have gathered there for a meeting. Marvin: Seniors of South Park, I don't know about you, but I am mad as hell! Seniors: [randomly] Yeah! Elderly woman 1: [rises] I'm sick of having my mental condition come into question! Elderly man 1: [waving his cane] We need to let everyone know we're pissed off, and we're not gonna take it anymore! Seniors: [randomly] Yeah! Yeah! That's right, Pete! Marvin: That's right! Now, ...can anybody remember what we're pissed off about? [everyone seems to have lost a clue] Now, remember we're all pissed about something and uh... that's why we had this meeting, but I... can't for the life of me re- Elderly woman 2: [rises] Oooo. Was it the kids skateboarding on the sidewalks? No? [sits down] Elderly man 2: [seated behind a walker] Oh, I remember! They're gonna take our licenses away! Seniors: [randomly, suddenly animated] Yeah! Yeah! That's right! Marvin: That's right! They're gonna try and take our licenses away! And I, for one, am mad as hell! Seniors: [randomly] Me too! Yeah, that's right! And mine too! Elderly woman 1: I'm sick of having my mental condition come into question! Marvin: So now, what are we gonna do about it? Elderly man 3: Do about what? Elderly woman 3: They're gonna take our licenses away. Elderly woman 1: They are?? They can't do that! [brief argument ensues] Marvin: That's right. So you know what I think we should do? I think we should have a senior citizens' meeting! Get all the seniors together at the community center and unite! Elderly man 3: Great idea, Marvin! Elderly woman 4: Wait, ah I think we're having that meeting right now. Marvin: ...Oh, right, this is the meeting. Elderly man 4: Right. To get those damn kids to stop skateboarding on the sidewalks! Seniors: [randomly] Yeah! Yeah! That's right! Someone's gotta stop them! Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. Sharon and Shelly are making construction paper cutouts in the kitchen. Shelly has finished some eyes. Randy: [steps into the kitchen] Sharon, have you seen Dad? Sharon: He's not here, hon. He's having a meeting with all the seniors in town at the community center. Randy: Oh. [steps back out] Wait a minute. If all the seniors in town are at a meeting, that means that when the meeting gets out... Sharon: Every senior in town will be driving home... Randy: [with rising alarm] At the same time. [closeup] Oh My God! Scene Description: Downtown South Park. People are milling around. Randy runs into the scene. Randy: Get inside! Get inside! [people begin taking heed] Seniors' meeting getting out! Get off the streets! [everyone moves off the streets in panic] Someone: Oh my Goddd! Scene Description: Park County Community Center, day. The seniors exit the center and head for their cars. Marvin: [amid the crowd] All right, great meeting everyone. Let's do it again sometime. Elderly woman 1: So long, everybody. Elderly man 5: Goodbye, Missy. [other seniors say their goodbyes. They drive off slowly, some bumping into other cars on their way out] Scene Description: Downtown South Park, at the farmer's market. Randy runs in. Randy: Get off the streets! Get off the streets! Old people are driving! [everyone runs off in a panic. Randy finds Gerald and grabs him] Gerald! Where are the boys?! Gerald: We've gotta get out of here! Randy: The boys, Gerald! Where are they?! Gerald: They, they're... they're playing street hockey! Randy: [closeup] Oh My God!! [lets Gerald go and runs off] Scene Description: The neighborhood. Stan and the boys are playing street hockey. Cartman is the goalie, a trashcan his goal. Cartman: [providing his own play-by-play] With just ten seconds to go, the offense makes its move. Marsh heads for the goal and passes the ball to the poor kid. The poor kid hands it out to the Jew! The Jew shoots. Awww, and the shot is blocked again [the ball bounces off Cartman's girth], proving once and for all that Jews cannot play hockey! Kyle: It isn't fair. Cartman's fatter than the goal. Cartman: I'm not fat. I just have a sweet hockey body. Randy: [in the distance] GET OFF THE STREETS! [Cartman perks up a bit] GET OFF THE STREETS! [the other boys listen, then turn to face the source of the sound] Kyle: Dude, look! Randy: [running across empty fields] GET OFF... THE STREETS! GET OFF THE STREETS! Stan: What is that? Kyle: I don't know. Randy: [coming closer] GET OFF... GET OFF THE STREET! Kyle: Dude, is that your dad? Stan: I think so. Cartman: Looks like Stan's dad's been hittin' the bottle again. Randy: -STREETS!! OFF- Stan: What is he saying? Kyle: I can't understand him. Randy: GAAAAAH!! Cartman: [slowly] Calm down! We cannot understand you! Kenny: [Looks to his right] (Ohhhhh, look!) [a phalanx of slow-moving cars cruises down the street towards them] (You guys!) Stan: Oh! [drops his hockey stick and holds his hands to his face] Cartman: Old people! Randy: [scoops them up and away] Come on! [the cars get closer, Randy and the boys head for a an abandoned lodge] Cartman: Oh God, they're coming! [the other boys mutter other things] Scene Description: The Lodge. The group enters, Randy shuts and blocks the doors. Randy: Get over there! Stay low! [the boys go to the far wall and turn around] Kyle: Why are they all out driving at the same time? Randy: Shhhh! [lowers the blinds, closed them, and peeks out. Seeing nothing, he closes the blinds and sighs in relief] It's okay, boys. They're gone. Let's just lay low for a minute until we can find- [a blue car crashes through the large picture window the blinds were covering and stops. Randy jumps in alarm] AWWWW!! Elderly driver: [a man] I don't remember there being a building here. Randy: RUN! [they all gather at a corner, but another car crashes through the wall] Elderly passenger: [a woman] I told you to turn left, Larry. Randy: Get up the stairs! Up the stairs! Come on! Come on!! [he and the boys run up the stairs] Kyle: Aah! There's another one! Randy and the Boys: AAAHH!! Elderly driver: [follows them up the stair in her car] Excuse me, is this Costello Avenue? [Randy and the boys reach the second floor] Randy: In here! [Randy opens a door and a bloody body drops down, dangling by its feet. They move on to the next room and close the door] Cartman: They're not gonna stop until we're all dead! Randy: Quiet! Keep quiet! [a few seconds of silence pass] Stan: Dad, I'm scared. Randy: Just, keep your voices down. We'll stay the night in here. We'll stay the whole winter if we have to. [looks for a light switch to flip on] Stan: I'm not staying the winter in this room! We just need to tell old people they can't drive anymore! Randy: Awgh. Stan, it's not that simple! Just relax while I find the lights. Here we go. [finds the switch and flips them on, revealing a car] Elderly driver: How the hell did we get up here? Randy and the boys: AAAAAAAHH!! [quickly exit the room] Elderly passenger: I told you this was the wrong way! Scene Description: News 4. A splash screen shows various correspondents and anchors, and a globe spins in front of the montage. Field Reporter: Tom, I'm standing outside of the Department of Motor Vehicles, where senior citizens have until three p.m. to hand over their driver's licenses. The new law was passed just three days after the Night of Horror, in which all seniors were out driving at the same time, causing fourteen deaths and three million dollars in damage. Scene Description: DMV, inside. A poster on the wall says "Drive 65 MPH. Stay alive." Two men and a woman sit at a table taking the licenses seniors standing in line give them. DMV official: [seated in the middle, takes a license from an elderly man] Alrighty. [cuts it in two and drops the halves into a box] There we go. Next? [a fat elderly lady approaches, then the elderly man with the walker] Elderly man 2: It ain't right what you're doin'! I never had an accident in my life! Elderly woman 6: That's right. You shouldn't punish all of us. [the senior with the walker leaves the table] DMV official: We're sorry, but this is the only way to be sure. Next please. [cuts up another license] There we go. Elderly man 6: But how am I supposed to get to the grocery store? Or the pharmacy to buy medicine? DMV official: Well, maybe you should be in a nursing home. Hmmm? Elderly man 7: Some of us would rather die! DMV official: Well, we can certainly help you with that, too. Elderly woman 7: We aren't second-class citizens! Elderly man 8: That's right! You can take our licenses, but you'll never take our pride! An Elderly Man: Yeah... Scene Description: Stan's house, day. The boys leave the house. Cartman: Ooooh, isn't this great you guys? Being able to walk the streets now that old people are confined to their homes where they belong? Marvin: Billy, get in the car! I need you boys to help me pick up my new Hov-Around. Stan: Uh, Grandpa, I don't think you should be driving. Marvin: God-damnit Billy! You're supposed to listen to your dad, right?! Well I'm your dad's dad, and that means you get in this car before I tan all your hides! Kyle: [to the other boys] Well, look at it this way: statistically speaking, we're safer inside a car with an old person driving than outside. Cartman: My God, he's right. [the boys climb in, strap themselves in, and Cartman offers a quick prayer] Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee, even though I walk through the valley of death. [Marvin starts up the car and groans a bit] Guys, I don't know if I ever told you this, but, well, I love you guys. [a few moments later] Except for you, Kyle. Marvin: Okay, all set? [he backs out of the a driveway, and an oncoming car honks at him. The driver screams something at him. Pretty soon, other cars and trucks are doing their best to avoid him. Cars begin crashing and flying through the air. The boys wince at every accident] Kenny: (Oooooo my God!) [a police cruiser catches up to them] Stan: Ah, I think there's a police car behind you, Grandpa. Marvin: Eh? [signals to the officer] Go around. Go around, you moron! Barbrady: Blue Impala, pull your vehicle over! Cartman: I believe that's us... thank God. [Marvin pulls over to the side and stops. Barbrady stops as well and approaches the driver side.] Barbrady: Could I see your license, please? Marvin: I ain't got one! You peckers took it! Barbrady: Well then, I have to take you to jail. Marvin: You just try taking me to jail, scrotum-head! You just try! Scene Description: The police jail. Marvin sits behind bars with a cane. Marvin: Stupid son of a- God damnit! Barbrady: I just got him right here, Mr. Marsh. Randy: Oh brother. Well, good job, dad! Look at you now! Marvin: Oh God damnit, don't you lecture me you son of a bitch! Randy: You just had to be so damn stubborn, didn't you?! Marvin: Now my son is gonna talk to me like I'm twelve. Randy: We're not treating you like children, Dad. All right? Now I think you owe Mr. Police Officer an apology. Who needs to apologize, hm? [wags his left index finger at Marvin] Who's the sorry-sorry? Marvin: Kiss my sagging ass! Randy: Well fine. I was gonna bail you out, but maybe you can just sit here for a bit and think about what you did! Marvin: Well I won't be sitting here long! I've already called the AARP! Stan: What's that? Marvin: The American Association of Retired Persons! The largest political group in the country! When seniors like me are bein' discriminated against, the AARP comes and sets it right! [points to Randy] And you're gonna be sorry when they get here! Scene Description: Mr. garrison's Classroom, day. He is giving a history lesson to the class. Mr. Garrison: And so you see, children, Genghis Khan was a "Mongol," not to be confused with a "mongoloid" like the actor, Nicolas Cage. Okay now, who can tell me in what [notices something outside and goes to the window, his voice fading off] the ...first ...film by a... mongoloid... Mr. Garrison: [What he sees is elderly paratroopers drifting down onto the school grounds. The kids' eyes follow him and then the kids gather at the window with him] That's odd. [the AARP has landed] Those ROTC guys are way off course. [the paratroopers open their cargo boxes and unload some firearms] Cartman: More old people! Stan: The American Association of Retired Persons. Mr. Garrison: Stay in your seats, children. I'll be right back. AARP leader: Set up a perimeter! Bring Bravo Team to Point Delta! AARP member 1: [a heavyset woman] Bravo Team is go. AARP member 2: [a light-skinned black man] Move! Move! Move! AARP member 3: [a woman in purple dress] Let's go! Let's go! [Mr. Garrison comes out to meet them.] Mr. Garrison: Uh, can I help you folks find something? [the woman smacks him across the face with the butt of her semi-automatic.] Oowww! [goes down in pain on one knee. The seniors begin firing away, with rifles, semi-automatics, whatever. The kids look on and gasp] Cartman: Old people gone mad! Scene Description: U.S. Geological Service. Randy sits at his desk making notes when he hears the soft rustling of tarp on snow. He spins around in his chair to see more AARP paratroopers. He rises in disbelief. A gas canister flies through the window and unleashes its fumes. Randy starts coughing. The door flies open and some AARP paratroopers walk in wearing gas masks. AARP member: [woman wearing a flower-design dress] Contact. [quickly aims her machine gun at Randy] Put your hands up, young man! Scene Description: South Park Jail. Marvin is looking out his small cell window when the AARP enters the jail and approach the cell. AARP leader: Marvin Marsh? Marvin: [turns around] Yes? AARP leader: I'm Bill Stewart, President of the AARP. Hu-we've come to help the seniors in this town fight back. Marvin: Oh, it's nice to meet ya, Bill. Stewart: Huh?? We came as fast as we could. We just had to stop by Country Kitchen Buffet first. Scene Description: Shady Acres, a Retirement Community. The AARP has arrived. AARP leader: [a black man] It's the nursing home! Liberate our comrades! Scene Description: Shady Acres, inside Male nurse: There now, Mr. Johnson. [wheels a senior across the room] We can go to the cafeteria and get you some creamed corn and toast. [the front doors swing open and the nurse stops in his tracks. The AARP members swarm in] Can I help you? AARP leader: Help this! [jams the butt of his gun into the nurse, and the nurse falls.] The revolution is on, brother! [hands Mr. Johnson a semi-automatic] We're taking control of the town! Mr. Johnson: Well, alright, well it's about damn time! [addresses the nursing home residents] Hey everyone, we're taking the town. [other seniors look at him and express their approval] Scene Description: The television room. More seniors there are watching TV. AARP member: [enters with the black leader] Seniors, we're taking the town over. AARP leader: The revolution is on! [walks away] Elderly woman: The revolution? Elderly man: Oh, I'd better get my other sweater. [goes to change while the others leave the room] Scene Description: A convalescent room. A nurse: [distributing weapons] Mrs. Wyland, seniors are taking over the town. Would you like a gun? Mrs. Wyland: Oh, I suppose so. Scene Description: Downtown South Park, day. One of the members brings Randy forward. Randy: What the hell is going on?! AARP member: Shut your piehole and get over there! [Randy joins Gerald and other adult hostages] Gerald: Randy, what is this? Stewart: Hey! You are now under the authority of the AARP! Marvin: Ha! There you go, Mr. Smartmouth! Look at you now! Randy: Dad, what are you doing?? Marvin: The AARP is gonna help us take this town until we get our licenses back! Elderly woman: [in dark-blue dress] Yeah, and we're gonna ask for more money in Medi-Care, too! AARP leader: [black] That's right. Elderly man: Yeah. Man in Vest: [handcuffed in front] Have you all got Alzheimer's? The-they're not gonna listen to a bunch of whacked out senior citizens. Stewart: [puts hand to ear] Heh?? [lowers his hand] We'll tell them if they don't give us our demands, we'll start killin' hostages! Man in vest: Huh, right. They're gonna really believe that. [the elderly woman next to him simply lifts her gun and fires at the man point blank. The man falls down dead] Marvin: Isn't that a little extreme, Bill? Stewart: [puts hand to ear] Heh?? [lowers his hand] No, we gotta be tough! Just like with those damned Japs! Randy: This is insane, Dad! You all need to stop right now before more people get hurt! Marvin: The time when you can tell me what to do is over, pucky-boy! We're in charge now! Scene Description: South Park, day. The town is now an encampment, protected by barbed wire, sandbags, and metal shields. Mrs. Wyland stands behind some sandbags with her IV unit. Marvin: All right, we've got control of the Mayor's office and the fire station. AARP member: Reinforcements have arrived from the nursing home in Conifer. Stewart: Good! Hell, us senior citizens could take over the entire country! AARP lookout: [a black woman] We've got company! [the military arrives] Tank driver: [over a PA system] Attention seniors: lay down your weapons and turns yourselves over! Stewart: Mrs. Applegate, show 'em we mean business. Mrs. Applegate: [holding an RPG launcher] All right. [fires the rocket and falls back from the recoil. The rocket heads for a Jeep full of troops. The troops scramble off. The rocket strikes and demolishes the Jeep, killing one of the soldiers] Tank driver: What do you want? Stewart: [puts hand to ear] Heh?? Marvin: We want our licenses back! Other seniors: Yeah! Elderly woman: That's right. And we want more money in Medi-Care! Other seniors: Yeah! Elderly man: And we want those damned kids to stop skateboardin' on the sidewalk! Other seniors: Yeah! Scene Description: Nighttime, the drive-in. All adults who are not senior citizens have been gathered into an enclosure around the massive screen. Two seniors stand guard at the gates, other seniors keep the adults in line. The adults are cold. Some cough, some try to keep warm by burning tires inside empty gas drums. Randy is one of those warming his hands over a fire. He moans. The boys arrive, having not been arrested. Stan: Hey Dad. Randy: [runs to the fence] Stan! Boys! You're safe! Stan: Dad, why is everyone letting old people do this? Why doesn't somebody stop them? Randy: They've tried to stop them, son, but... the seniors get up so early in the morning they... get everything done before everyone else is even awake! Kyle: They're saying something about taking over the entire country. Randy: [exasperated] Yes. And now seeing how early they get up, I don't see how anyone can stop them. Wait a minute. You boys! You get up almost as early as they do! You can fight them! Stan: No. Come on, Dad. Can't you guys do it? Randy: No, son. We... like to sleep in. An elderly woman: Two hostages come front and center! [Randy looks back, alarmed]. Randy: They're coming!! Get out of here before they see you! Run to the hills and find a way to fight them! Go!! [the boys turn and leave] Boys, avenger me! AVENGE ME!! Scene Description: The woods. The boys have set up a little camp there for the night. Stan: All right, check it out. Kenny did reconnaissance on the town. The old people have blockades here [south entrance] and here [west entrance]. The old ladies are keeping watch in towers around the perimeter, and the leaders along with my grandpa are most likely in the Mayor's office. Cartman: So our only solution is to cut off their life force. Kyle: We can't fight them, Cartman. Cartman: No. But we can sneak into town and shut down their food supply. [runs his finger along the map to its destination] Here. Kyle: Country Kitchen Buffet? Cartman: Yeah. You take out Country Kitchen Buffet, and old people won't know what to do. Kyle: That's a retarded idea, Cartman! Cartman: Is it? Two years ago they closed the Country Kitchen Buffet in Steamboat Springs. And all the old people died of starvation in less than a week. Stan: Yeah, I remember hearing about that. Kyle: Even if it could work, how would we go about shutting it down? Cartman: I think I have a plan, though we'll have to do it tonight. Cartman: We'll start by sneaking into town, cleverly disguised as black people. [they appear from the sides of buildings dressed in black and then gather in front of one of them] At 5:45 Kenny and Kyle split off and set a diversion on the east end of town. [they head for a train at the South Park Train Station and climb into a caboose. Kenny pulls on the horn] Meanwhile, Stan and I sneak into the Mayor's office[the elderly guards sleep standing up and fail to take notice of any sound] and steal some of the explosives the old people have stashed. Cartman: Nine o'clock: we rendezvous at the Country Kitchen Buffet, where we strap the explosives and the timer to Kyle's chest. We say our tearful goodbyes to Kyle, and then we send him inside. Scene Description: Cartman does all the strapping, and he brings out a remote-control trigger as Kyle approaches the restaurant's front door. He presses the button and the buffet blows up. Kyle's charred hat drops back in front of the boys. The boys cheer. Cartman: Yeah! Stan: All right! Kenny: (Woohoo!) Cartman: Aw yeah! Stan: We did it! [Cartman is finished and the others look at him like he's crazy] Stan: ...Yeah, or we just go to Country Kitchen Buffet and lock it from the inside so the seniors can't get in. Cartman: Well, right, or we could always do that. Scene Description: South Park, day. The old people have the run of the town, and they're bringing in heavier artillery. Stewart: All right everyone, round up your ammunition and get ready to move! We're takin' this war further out! AARP Members: [amid other cheers] All right! Marvin: Uh, I appreciate what the AARP is tryin' to do for us, but uh, all we want is our licenses back. Stewart: [puts hand to ear] Huh?? [lowers his hand] Heck no! This is goin' too well.We're gonna take the whole country back. Wipe out everyone below the age of sixty five! Marvin: Wipe 'em out?? What are you? Senile? Stewart: [approaches the front door of Country Kitchen Buffet] Come on, everyone! It's time to plan for Phase 2! [tries to get the doors open, but finds they're locked. He scratches his head] What the heck? [checks again, but the doors remain locked] Huh? What is this?! It's 6 a.m. C-Country Kitchen should be open! Elderly man 9: It's not open? It has to be! [each man takes a door and tries to open it, but the doors won't budge] Elderly man 10: Try a window. Elderly man 11: [bangs on a window, to no avail] They're blocked from the inside. Stewart: No... [bangs frantically on the double doors] Let us in! Let us in! Elderly man 9: Open the door! It's six a.m. [the other seniors come up and bang on the windows] Elderly woman: Open the Country Kitchen Buffet for us! Elderly man: You have to let us in! [a few hours later and all the seniors are sprawled out on the snow. One of them is still trying to crawl. A few more hours and all movement has stopped] Army official: All right everyone, area secure. Collect their weapons and free the hostages. [walks up to the boys] That was a great strategy, boys. You may very well have saved this entire country. [Randy and Sharon arrive rubbing their eyes. Gerald and Sheila arrive also] Randy: Whoa-ho-ho-ooh, what happened? Is it over? Army Official: Everything is fine. Control of the town is back to you folks. Stewart: [two soldiers escort his fatigued self away] Country Kitchen... wha-what happened? Soldier: [one of two escorting Marvin] Sir, what should we do with this one? Army official: It's up to the townspeople. Randy: Well, I think he learned his lesson. Huh? Don't you feel silly now, Dad? I think somebody owes us all an apology. Yes he does. Stan: Oh, stop it, Dad! This is partly your fault! Randy: Huh? Stan: Look, all Grandpa wants is not to be talked to like a child. I think half of what he was angry about wasn't what you were doing, but how you were doing it. Marvin: That's right. Stan: And Grandpa, you should be proud that you made it through life to be a senior, but you should also realize that, when you're behind the wheel, you're a killing machine. Marvin: I know. I guess sometimes us seniors need to know when to stop driving so we don't put the responsibility on our families. Randy: Well, I think this has been a real learning experience for the Marsh family. People died, but we all grew a little. Let's just go home. Marvin: Sure. I'll drive. Randy: [laughs and goes to wheel Marvin off] That's our Grandpa. [both men and Sharon laugh] Stan: [to his friends] Dude, I hate my family. [looks down embarrassed and walks away]

Scene Description: Stan's house, day. Stan, Kenny, and Cartman watch TV from the couch. Cartman is eating a bowl of chips. Stan: Dude, I wonder where Kyle is. Cartman: Maybe he caught a disease and died. That'd be so awesome. Stan: Dude that's not funny. You shouldn't joke about that. Kenny: (Yeah.) Cartman: Who's joking? [a door opens and closes offscreen] Kyle: [enters excitedly, his arms up in the air] You guys! You guys! I have awesome news! Cartman: You have AIDS? Kyle: No. This Saturday, for my birthday, my Mom says she's takin' me to Casa Bonita, in Denver, and I get to invite three friends! Cartman: [stands up] Wow! Casa Bonita?! Kenny: [stands up] (Woo-hoo!) Stan: [stands up] What's Casa Bonita? Cartman: Dude, haven't you ever been there?! It's a big Mexican restaurant where they have, like, cliff jumpers and Black Bart's Cave and [holds out his hand wide] all kinds of stuff! Kyle: It's like the Disneyland of Mexican restaurants. Cartman: This Saturday! Awesome! [begins to sing to "La Cucaracha"] Casa Bonita! Casa Bonita! Food and fun in a festive atmosphere. [begins to snap his fingers] Casa Bonita! Kyle: Who said I'm inviting you? [this freezes Cartman for a few seconds] Cartman: You... your Mom said you could take three friends. Kyle: Yes. Three friends. You're not my friend. Cartman: Wuh ih uh... Weh come on, Kyle, who the hell else are you gonna take besides Stan and Kenny? Kyle: I'm gonna take Butters. He invited me to his birthday party last month, so I owe him one. Cartman: Butters?! You're gonna take THAT butt hole?! Why?! Kyle: Because Butters isn't a total dick to me! Cartman: I have never been a dick to you. Kyle: [rolls his eyes] Oh please! All you ever do is call me names and rip on me for being Jewish! Cartman: Kyle, when have I ever ripped on you for being a Jew? Kyle: [thinks back and counts the number of times Cartman has ripped on him for being a Jew][in the playground. Craig is there instead of Kenny] Oh yeah?! Well you're a stupid Jew![in the playground, by the school's back doors] You're a Jew![in Cartman's room. Cartman is wearing a crown] Shut your God-damned Jew mouth![at Kyle's house, on the front steps] Good job, Jew![singing the Dreidel song with Kyle's family and Stan] Jew...[leaving his seat in class] Shut up, Jew![at Cartman's house, with outfits] You're Jewish!![seated on a curb with the other boys] Dude, he's Jewish![staking out a house] Jew![on Nightline, seated next to Stan] Jew![in Cartman's dining room] Jew![at the side of a road, with Tweek and with their parents] Jew![next to stacks of lumber, as Kyle is about to whack him] Jew![at a barn, through a hole on the roof] Jew![Stan's room. Kyle reads a Bible] Jew?![At the Costa Rican rainforest, during practice] "I told you Jewish people don't have rhythm." "Fuck off, Cartman!" Cartman: [Cartman thinks back as well] Okay, except maybe for that one time. Kyle: You've always been a dick to me, Cartman, and I'm not inviting you. [turns and walks away, but Cartman stays close] Cartman: Kyle, you don't understand! Casa Bonita is my most favorite place [Kyle turns around] in the whole world. I'll just, I'll just die if you don't take me! Please! [holds his hands together in a sign of pleading] Kyle: [crosses his arms and avoids Cartman's eyes] Sorry, my mind's made up. Cartman: [turns irate and flips him off] Well fuck you, Kyle!! I don't wanna go to your faggy birthday party anyway! I'd rather hang out at home than have to be around you and your Jew mom for a day! [shoves the middle finger close to Kyle's face] Kiss my balls, asshole!!! [turns and walks away. The front door opens, closes, and opens again. Cartman returns and apologizes] Dude, I totally didn't mean that, Kyle. I really really wanna go to Casa Bonita. I'm sorry we had that fight just now. You know, I mean, I said some things, you said some things, but, I think it was good and we-we've moved past it. Kyle:: [clearly annoyed now] I'm not inviting you to Casa Bonita. Cartman: [turns irate and flips him off again] Well fuck you, Kyle!! I hope you die! I hope you fucking die!! [turns and walks away. The front door opens, then closes] Scene Description: Cartman's house, night. Cartman sleeps... Cartman: Casa Bonita! Come on, you guys! [waves them on. Next scene is him getting a large platter of food] Oh, awesome!! [next scene is him waving his friends to a cave] Come on, you guys! Black Bart's Cave! [next scene is him by a waterfall] Wow, cliff divers! [a cliff diver takes a dive from the top of the waterfall. Next scene is Cartman on his third dish] More sopapillas, please! [next scene has him dancing in front of a low stage, on which a mariachi quartet plays its songs. An image of Kyle floats through his dream] Kyle: I'm not inviting you, Cartman. You can't go. Cartman: [with more foods on his plates, the dream dissolves. He's pulled up and away] No! Noooo! [he's pulled out of Casa Bonita and floats away] Casa Bonita! Noooo! [startled out of his dream] AAAAH!! [catches his breath] Oh... God-damnit, I have to get invited to go! I'm just gonna have to start being nice to Kyle! Scene Description: Kyle's house, next day. Cartman approaches the front door in a nice sweater and rings the bell. Kyle answers. Cartman: [looking quite presentable] Hi Kyle. [smiles] Kyle: [studies Cartman a bit, but isn't impressed] That isn't it, Cartman. Cartman: What isn't it? Kyle: That's not being nice! That's just putting on a nice sweater! Cartman: ...I don't understand the difference. Kyle: I know you don't. [steps back and slams the door on Cartman's face] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids head for class: Bill, Craig, Wendy, then Jimmy. Cartman enters and rounds the corner, sees Jimmy and runs up to him. Cartman: Jimmy! Hey Jimmy, wait up! [Annie and Red walk by at the far end of the hall. Jimmy stops] Dude, uh I need your help on something. Jimmy: Well, sure, Eric. W-w-what seems to be the p-p-p-problem? Cartman: Well, everybody likes you, Jimmy, a-and you seem to be really good with people, so, I was wondering if you could tell me, how "do" you act nice to people? Jimmy: Well, the best thing is not to act nice, Eric. Uh, the best thing is to be genuinely nice. Cartman: Okay, so how do you act genuinely nice to people? Jimmy: Well, Eric, pah part of being nice is just making people smile and laugh. The best way to do that is by telling a fan-tastic joke or a humorous anti-d- ant'duhh ...anecdote. Cartman: Like what? Jimmy: Well, like, try this one on for size: Knock knock. Cartman: Who's there? Jimmy: Ing-mar ...Bergman. [Cartman jumps, but not because of the joke. Kyle approaches them from the other end of the hall.] Now you say, "Ingmar Bergman who?" [Cartman quickly punches Jimmy in the face] Cartman: Take that, Jimmy! [strikes him again, and Jimmy falls away] And that! And don't you ever talk bad about Kyle again! [Kyle stops by and looks. Cartman glances at him] Kyle is my friend! And if you say you had sex with his mom one more time, I'm gonna really let you have it! You hear me?! [looks at Kyle] Oh, Kyle. Hey. Kyle: Do you really think that beating up a handicapped kid is being nice? [turns and walks on his way] Cartman: Uh... [turns and runs towards Kyle] He-hey Kyle! Knock knock. [follows him around the corner] Knock knock, Kyle! Scene Description: The school cafeteria. Cartman is looking at a picture. A tear wells up in his left eye. The picture's frame reads "I Had A Good Time at CASA BONITA," and the picture within is one of Cartman, his mom, and the mariachis in the background. He hears Kyle's excited voice. Kyle: Yeah, Casa Bonita, this Saturday! [approaches a table with Kenny, Stan, and Butters] Butters: Wow, that's gonna be so fun! Stan: Yeah, it'll be awesome. Just the four of us. Kenny: (Yeah!) [Cartman sits at his own table, alone.] Scene Description: The school hall, the bell rings. Red and Annie walk one way, Kyle and Craig the opposite way. Keven opens up his locker. Kyle stops at his locker, and Cartman walks up. Cartman: Hey Kyle. Kyle: Well? Cartman: Well what? Kyle: How are you going to try to get invited to Casa Bonita this time? Cartman: I'm not, Kyle. I know you already told Butters he could go. Kyle: Oh. Well... yeah. I, I did. Cartman: So, fine, Kyle, but honestly, I never meant to make you feel like you didn't matter at all to me. I know we argue all the time and I give you tons of crap, but we've also been through a, a lot together, and... maybe that alone doesn't make us friends, but it makes us something. So, ...whatever, you know, just... ah I hope... things will be cool. Kyle: I'm still not inviting you to Casa Bonita. Cartman: I know, Kyle. I'll see ya later. [turns and walks away] Kyle: Eh... hey, Cartman? [Cartman turns around] You really don't care that you can't go? Cartman: I care, sure, but I hope it doesn't mean you and me and Stan and Kenny can't hang out anymore. Kyle: That's exactly what I wanted to hear from you all along. Ah uh I still have to take Butters, but... I hope things can be cool too. Cartman: Good. Kyle: And, and hey, if for some reason Butters can't go to Casa Bonita, you can take his place. Cartman: Sweet, whatever. [walks on, then mouths to himself] Bingo! Scene Description: Cartman's house, Friday night. Cartman leads Butters into his bedroom. Butters: What's this all about, Eric? Cartman: [leads him to a telescope, then turns] Butters, can you keep a secret? Butters: Well, sure I can! Cartman: For the past five days I've been looking out into space for a school project. This morning, at 3:45 a.m. I... caught first sight of something terrible. Butters: Nnn-how terrible? Cartman: A meteor. A meteor the size of Wyoming, heading right for earth. Butters: What?? [begins rubbing his hands together nervously] Cartman: Now look, ah I could be wrong. I ...pray that I'm wrong, but, I just want you to take a look and... see what you think. [backs up and looks through the eyepiece] Do you see anything? Butters: I just see stars. [Cartman hops onto a chair and fishes in his left jacket pocket. He pulls out a wad of junk hanging from a string] Cartman: Keep looking. Sometimes it takes your eyes a minute to adjust. Butters: Nope, uh I don't see any... [Cartman holds up the wad against the objective lens] Oh wait. Oh my God! I see it. I see it! It's a meteor! Oh my God! Cartman: Oh my God! Does it look like it's getting closer? [Butters looks through again and Cartman holds up the wad, moving it closer to the objective lens.] Butters: It is! It is getting closer! Oh my God! Cartman: Oh my God! That meteor is the size of Wyoming and it's on a collision course for Earth. Butters: When do you think uh it'll get here? Cartman: I, I don't know, I, have to do some calculations. [heads for his desk and pulls out a calculator] 10 to the power of 1 base 9 divided by pi plus 5 minus 3. Oh Jesus. Butters: What?? Cartman: According to my calculations, that meteor is going to hit Earth in less than four hours. Butters: Oh, you mean we're gonna die?! Cartman: No! No, Butters, we are going to live! Do you hear me?! We are going to live! We just... We've gotta find a bomb shelter! Butters: Wha...? Where is there a bomb shelter?? Cartman: Stan's Uncle Jimbo! He has a bomb shelter in his backyard! Come on, Butters! Hurry! [heads out the door] Butters: AAAAHH! [follows him out] Scene Description: Jimbo's house. Cartman and Butters head for the bomb shelter. Butters: Oh Jeez! Cartman: Here we go! The bomb shelter's down here! [opens the shelter's lid] Butters: [enters and climbs down the ladder within] Oh God! Oh Jesus! [Cartman watches him, then follows him down the ladder] Cartman: [reaches the shelter floor] All right, we should be safe in here. This dried food and water should last us for weeks. Butters: But what about everyone else? I have to tell my parents so they can come here, too. Cartman: No! Butters! I can't let you risk it. I'll go up and get the others. Butters: Are you sure? Cartman: [looks away] I'm not sure of anything anymore. [turns and climbs up the ladder. He makes it out and looks down] Now Butters, listen: No matter what happens, no matter what you hear, do not come out! If I don't make it back in time with the others, then it will be up to you to repopulate the Earth. Butters: But I'm the only one down here. What am I supposed to repopulate with? Cartman: Well, you know, with your wiener. [Butters just stares back] Just stay down here until you hear word from me. And... pray, Butters... pray for all mankind. [leaves and closes the lid, then locks it] Butters: [in darkness] Oh God, oh God! Scene Description: Kyle's house, Saturday night. Stan and Kenny are dressed in stripes, Sheila waits in a fur coat, Kyle is in his Sunday best checking his watch. Kyle: Where is Butters? We were supposed to leave here forty minutes ago. Sheila: Well I think we better just go without him, Kyle. It's getting late. Kyle: Yeah, screw him. Let's go. [the door bell rings and Kyle looks at the door] Oh, finally! [walks to get the door, but sees Cartman instead] Cartman: [bearing a gift] Happy Birthday, Kyle. I just wanted to stop by and give you your present. Kyle: Oh. Thanks, dude. Cartman: Hope you have a good one. See you later. [turns around and walks toward the street] Kyle: Oh wait. Cartman. Cartman: Yes? Kyle: Uh Butters didn't show. You wanna go to Casa Bonita with us? Cartman: [enters the house] Butters didn't show? I I can't believe it. Uh are you sure you told him the right time and everything? Kyle: I told him 5:30 and we gotta get going. You in? Cartman: Well I... really would need to go home first and get my... Weh no no, I guess I have everything I need. Oh, okay, sure. Kyle: All right, let's go. Sheila: [heads for the front door] Okay, boys. Get in the car. Cartman: [gets excited] Casa Bonita, here we come! Casa Bonita! Casa Bonita! Sheila: [finds Butters' parents approaching] Oh, hello Chris, Linda. Chris: [misty-eyed. Linda sobs silently] Hello everyone. Have any of you seen our son? Kyle: Butters was supposed to go with us to Casa Bonita tonight. Chris: We know, but... he hasn't been home since last night. The police have been looking everywhere, but... [Linda cries audibly] Well, thank you. Uh, please, let us know if you find out anything. [they leave. Linda is sobbing hard] Linda: Oh Butters! Kyle: Aw dude, weak. Cartman: [lowers his head and walks towards the front door] Yeah. Man, that sucks about Butters. [brightens up] Well, let's get going, shall we? Kyle: Nah. Dude, I c-I can't go to have a birthday party while Butters is missing. Stan: Yeah, it's kinda weird. Cartman: [a little stunned] Ee-yeah yeah. I think you're right, but, on the other hand, I think Butters would want us to go. You know Butters... Kyle: Nah, I can't. We should help look for him. Stan: Yeah. Sheila: That's very good of you, boys. We can postpone Casa Bonita until next Saturday. Cartman: Next Saturday?? I'll never be able to keep Butters in the... [catches himself and waits for a reaction. None comes] In the... depths of my heart for that long. I sure hope he... turns up before then. Stan: Dude, we should check over at Stark's Pond. Butters always hangs out over there. [exits] Kyle: Yeah. And then we can try the football field. [exits] Sheila: I'll drive you boys. [exits] Cartman: [left alone] Oh, God-damnit! How am I gonna keep Butters down in that bomb shelter for a whole week?! Scene Description: South Park, Sunday. In front of the police station, Officer Barbrady stands by while one of his men issues the report to the crowd standing before the dais. Yates: All right, folks, this is the little boy we're looking for: [holds up a picture of Butters] Leopold Stotch, also known as Butters. He's been missing for two days and was last seen at the school. Let's go find him. Scene Description: The bomb shelter. Butters has found the light switch and is enjoying the rations stored on the shelves along the wall. Butters: [reading some directions] "Dried food rations. Add water to feed flavored square..." [the lid opens up above him] Hello? [rises and looks up] Hello?? Cartman: [suddenly looks in, looking terribly roughed up] Butters! Butters: [jumps back, startled] Hwaaaah!! Cartman: Butters! Oh God, it was... It was horrible! Butters: Wuh, wait, well, what happened?? Cartman: [faking fatigue] The meteor... struck the Earth sooner than I predicted. There was no time... no time... Butters: What about my parents. Did you see them? Cartman: There was mass confusion! Pa... panic! People were crawling all over each other in the streets! It was... awful! When it hit, millions were evaporated instantly. The rest of us... walking around in a... cloud of... toxic... radiation. [coughs] Butters: [heads for the ladder and begins to climb] Oh my God, let me see! Cartman: No Butters!! If you come up, you'll get infected too! You best wait for the radiation level to go down. Probably... next week sometime. After Saturday. Ugh... Butters: [off the ladder] How many survivors are there? You should all come down here. Cartman: We can't come down there, or else, we'll contaminate you, Butters. No... we just have to survive the best we can. [strains a bit, like he's gonna cough] Butters: Wow... Eric, I can never thank you enough for everything you've done for me. Cartman: Thank me by living, Butters. Live. And... rebuild. [coughs] I've got to go. Remember, wait one week for the toxic levels to go down. On Saturday. [moves off] G-goodbye! [locks the lid down once again] All right. Just six days, Butters. Sit tight. Scene Description: Police station, night. News 4 is covering another announcement by the police. Field reporter: Tom, it has now been three days since the Stotch child has gone missing. Townspeople continue to search, but hope... is dwindling. Yates: All right, folks. I wanna thank you for all your efforts. Three days is a long time, but we've got to keep going if we're gonna find him. Cartman: [not spoken, he's thinking this while Yates speaks.] Heh you're not going to find him. Not until after Saturday when I go to Casa Bonita. [closes his eyes and begins anticipating. Three images come up. The first is of his waitress bringing him food, the second is of him dancing before a mariachi band, the third is of the cliff divers. He begins to dance while he daydream] Yates: Many times in cases like these a child can trap themselves. It is important that we spread our search to duct pipes, wells, and bomb shelters. [Cartman's dance is rudely interrupted by this] Cartman: What what what? Yates: I say we need to move the search to ducts, wells, and bomb shelters. Let's move out, people! Every second counts! [the crowd breaks up and begins the search] Cartman: UUuuugh!! [runs off] Butters: But if you leave me now, you'll take away the biggest part of me.Oo-oo-ooooo-oo girl, baby please don't go. Eh,Oo-oo-ooooo-oo girl. [the shelter lid opens again] Eric? [rises and looks up the shaft] Eric, is that you? Cartman: [scrambling down the ladder] Oh God! They're coming! They're coming! We gotta get out of here! They're coming this way! Butters: Who's coming this way? Cartman: The cannibals! Don't you know? The meteor destroyed all of society, Butters. Now Earth is ruled by packs of wild humans gone mad! Those of us who survived are now being hunted by flesh-starved cannibals! Butters: Oh God! I hate cannibals! Cartman: They're coming this way! I can hear them coming. They'll find you down here for sure. And when they do, they'll eat you alive. Butters: Noooo! Cartman: We've gotta get you out of here! Come on! Oh oh no wait, I forgot! The toxic radiation! Hey wait! We can use this box! [picks it up and promptly drops it over Butters so Butters can't see a thing.] There we go. This should keep you protected from the toxins. Butters: But I can't see nothin'. Cartman: Believe me, Butters, you don't wanna see what's up there. Now come on. I'll guide you to a safer location. [guides him to the ladder and nudges him up] There you go. Two more steps and you're at the top. [Butters climbs out] Good. Butters: Are we out in the destruction? Cartman: Yes. There's nothing but smoldering bodies all around you. Burnt out buildings, and what used to be our town. Butters: Aw man. Cartman: All right, this way, Butters. Just follow the sound of my voice. [walks off. Butters follows] Scene Description: An open field, night. Butters and Cartman are walking through the field behind a row of houses, far enough away so that no sound can reach them. Cartman: Right now we're walking by what used to be people's houses, now just smoldering burnt piles of rubble. Butters: Huh... Oh, it's terrible. Cartman: We're coming now to the crater where the meteor hit. A hole in the Earth over two miles in diameter. Butters: Whoa! Scene Description: The old gas station. Cartman: Here we are at the old gas station. It survived a lot of the impact. We might be safe here. [steps to the other side and begins making noises, then steps back] Oh my God! Butters: Whaaat?? Cartman: It's a cannibal! Stay back, cannibal! [steps to the other side and begins making noises, then steps back] Butters: AAAAHH! Cartman: We've got to fight them off! [jabs at the air a few times] Stay away from Butters! He's humanity's last hope! [makes "cannibal" noises] Awww! He bit me! He bit off my hand!! Butters: Waaaaaah! Cartman: [picks up a twig] Aw man, he's eating my hand like a piece of chicken! Can you hear the bones crack? [goes to Butters' other side and begins breaking off pieces of the twig as he makes more "cannibal" noises.] Butters: Ooohhhh! Cartman: Wait! Look here! There's a dead body with an axe in the back. I'll pull out the axe and use it to chop off the cannibal's head. Hunh! [swings it and kills the "cannibal"] Die! [one last jab, the "cannibal" "croaks" and it's over] Butters: Ooooh, what happened? What happened?! Cartman: [feigns exhaustion] The cannibal! The cannibal's dead, Butters! But he bit me, [checks out his hand] which means soon I will have a taste for human flesh as well. Butters: Oh no! Cartman: We have no choice, Butters! We have to lock you away somewhere where even I can't get to you! Butters: Uh w-where?? Cartman: Look! There's an old refrigerator! [reaches it and opens it] Get inside, Butters! I'll break off the handle so nobody can get to you! Butters: Aren't you coming? Cartman: Too late for me. I can already feel my... body start to... change. [begins to "change"] No! Must... fight... it... Don't open this door for anybody, Butters! No matter what you hear, stay inside for four days! Here's some water and food from the shelter. Butters: Eric, you're the ...best friend in the whole world. I... I love you. Cartman: I love you too, man. I just [goes into spasms] You look so delicious! Must eat your brains! [lunges at Butters, who quickly closes the refrigerator door. Cartman walks up and rips off the door handle, then walks away chuckling to himself. A few seconds later a garbage truck backs up and removes the refrigerator from the gas station] Scene Description: South Park, next day. Cartman is happily asleep in his bed and his alarm goes off. Cartman: Hah! [turns off his bear alarm clock, hops out of bed cheerfully and skips to his wall calendar he made just for the occasion.] It's Wednesday! It's Wednesday! [crosses off Tuesday on his calendar] Only three more days till Casa Bonita. I'm gonna go through Black Bart's Cave first. No! I'm gonna watch the cliff divers first! Maybe if I tell them it's my birthday, they'll let me cliff-dive in the pool! [walks off to get dressed] Oh, that would be so bad-ass! Scene Description: Park County Trash Dump, night. The refrigerator is now there and begins to heave. Butters kicks his way out of it, having run out of air. Butters: [rises, catches his breath, and dusts himself off] Finally I can breathe a- [looks at the apparent devastation around him] Oh my God. Oh my God, the meteor took out everything! It's all destroyed. Nothing left. [walks forth] Hello? Are there any, are there any other survivors? Hello? Oh. That must have been where the library was. And that was probably the school. Hello? [rustling sounds are heard and he tenses up in fear, then softly] Oh. I forgot, I gotta watch out for radioactive cannibals. [more loudly] Is that a cannibal? Sir? Ma'am? [he watches, and a dog emerges from the rubble] Oh. Aww, it's a little dog. [approaches the mutt] Well, hello there, Mr. Dog. Looks like you and me are the only ones who survive the meteor, heh. We should stick together, huh, Mr. Dog? Well come on, we gotta start cleanin' up this mess, and rebuild this civilization. Boy, that meteor sure did make everything stinky. [walks into the rubble and begins his work] Scene Description: South Park, day. On the highway, Sheila drives the boys towards their destination. All the boys are now wearing suits instead of sweaters. Stan, Cartman, and Kenny sit in the back seat. Cartman: We're on our way to Casa Bonita! We're gonna be there very soon. You're gonna love Casa Bonita, Stan. There, there's this one part where you can dress up in Old Western clothes and get your photo taken in a fake jail. Stan: Really? Kyle: Yeah, it's pretty cool. Cartman: [sniffs] "Pretty cool." So, um, should we go to Black Bart's Cave first or watch the puppet show? I think we should go through Black Bart's Cave right away 'cause, we're gonna wanna do it seven or eight times. And then we'll watch the cliff divers before the puppet show. Stan: Dude, it's Kyle's birthday. We should do whatever he wants to do. Cartman: What? Fuck Kyle. [the others look at him in astonishment] Ha ha, j-just kidding, birthday joke. Of course we'll do whatever Kyle wants, uh. Happy Birthday, Kyle. Cartman: Happy Birthday to you. Happy- [looks at the other boys for support] Stan, Cartman, Kenny: Birthday to you. Happy Birthday dear Kyle. Happy Birthday to you. [they pass a missing person's billboard with Butters on it and South Park PD's phone number]. Scene Description: Park County Trash Dump, day. A worker drives into the dump in her truck and pulls out stuffed trash bags from the truck bed. Butters: [off-screen] You take away the biggest part of me. [the worker listens, then goes to the source of the sound] Woo-oo-ooooo-oo-oo, uh baby please don't go. [hums a bit; the worker arrives to see him sweeping] Woo-oo-ooooo-oo-oo, I just had to find my say to you tan... Worker: Hello? [her name tag reads "Irene."] Butters: [quickly arms himself with the broom] HAAAAGH! Who are you? Are you infected? Worker: With what? Butters: You're not a cannibal, are you? Worker: No? Butters: Oh. [drops the broom and smiles] Oh good. You're a survivor, like me. Look, Mr. Dog, another survivor. And it's a lady, too. That means we can repopulate the earth. Yippee! Worker: Kid, what are you doin' here? Butters: I'm rebuilding society. Here, take a look. [moves off to his left, she follows. They pass a row of makeshift buildings that he built overnight] This is the library, and over here is the bank. That over there I'm thinking into a P.F. Chang's or a Bennigan's. And this [a statue that reads Cartman under it] is a memorial to Eric Cartman, the person who gave his life so that I could rebuild society. Well ma'am, I guess we should start repopulatin' the earth, huh? [promptly unzips and drops his pants, then steps forward.] I'm ready whenever you are. Worker: Kid, I don't know what you think is going on, but this place is a dump. Butters: Hey, that's not very nice! This is my first society! I'm doin' my best! Worker: No, I mean you're at the garbage dump. The town is right over there, everybody is fine, and I think they've been looking for you for over a week. Butters: [looks at her for a long time, then looks towards the town] Oh... [realizes he's been tricked, he looks down and pulls up his pants.] Ma'am, can I use your phone? Scene Description: Casa Bonita, night. Sheila pulls into a parking space. Cartman: We're here! We're here! Casa Bonita! [the boys climb out of the car] Aw man, this is gonna be so great! Sheila: Wait up, Eric. We need to stay together. [Cartman stops and dances in place. A phone rings] Uh, hold on boys, that's my cell phone. [fishes it out of her purse and answers it] Hello? Yes. Oh, that's great! [to her charges] Boys, they found Butters. [Cartman stops dancing and his grin turns into panic] He's okay. Kyle: Oh, awesome. Stan: I knew he'd turn up. Sheila: Yes, Eric Cartman is with us. Why? [her face turns stern] Oh really? [Cartman looks around for a way to escape] Kyle: What? Sheila: Yes, I will certainly let him know. Thank you. [hangs up and puts the phone away] Well, it appears that Eric here is responsible for Butters missing, because he wanted to go to Casa Bonita. [the anger now registers on the other boys' faces] Kyle: What? Sheila: Eric, the South Park Police are already on their way here to have a little talk with you! Cartman: But... Casa Bonita. Kyle: [approaches Cartman, who turns around] I should have known better! You never cared about my birthday at all! Cartman: [turns to face Casa Bonita] But I... [turns back] but... [suddenly takes Kyle hostage] Stand back! Stan: Cartman, stop it! Cartman: [backs up towards the restaurant with Kyle still hostage] I... am going... to Casa... Bonita! [sirens are heard] Kyle: It's too late, fatass. [Cartman stops] They'll be here in less than a minute. Cartman: [hauls Kyle away a bit longer] Ah! Eh. Nuh! [throws him away and dashes for the entrance] Less than a minute! Less than a minute! Kyle: [rises and turns around] Cartman! Scene Description: Casa Bonita, inside. Cartman races into the restaurant. Cartman: Oh, awesome!! [approaches a table which has a family enjoying its dinner] Excuse me, excuse me? Can I get to eat some of your- [grabs some food from both the mother's plate and the father's plate] Thank you. Thank you. [climbs over the table] Oh, I've got to get to Black Bart's Cave! [hops off and runs for the cave, barging his way past two other kids] Ah! Excuse me? Excuse me! Coming through to Black Bart's Cave! [runs in] Oh! [stops at a treasure chest with a pirate skeleton beside it] Oh, scary! Look, a skeleton! [moves on] Oh man, I'm so scared! [exits] Cartman: Oh! Oh! Oh, that was awesome! Oh! Oh! Cliff divers! [rushes to them, stopping long enough to dance before the mariachi band] Come on! Come on, dive! [atop the waterfall, a cliff diver stands ready] Dive, asshole! [the diver dives into the pool below] Oh, awesome! That was cool, huh? [looks towards the entrance and sees the rest of his party and the police enter the restaurant] Whoa. [dashes for the jail set at the Photo Flash Back. He puts on the suit waiting for the next customer and looks out from behind bars. His picture is taken and he quickly jumps down from the cell. He moves on to the table he dreamt about two weeks ago] Sopapillas! Can I get some sopapillas please?! [a waitress arrives with a plate of sopapillas] Sweeet! [runs off with it and heads for a new attraction] Oh! Booth! Puppet show! Puppet show! [an officer steps in and blocks his way, he tosses his dessert away and turns back] Kyle: Cartman! [the boys and Sheila trace his path and close in on Cartman. Cartman runs up along the side of the "cliff" until he gets to the top, where two other officers meet him] Yates: All right, kid! End of the line! Cartman: [steps left] Ah. [steps right] Uh. [moves around a bit more, then jumps off the cliff] Yeeeesss! Kyle: Jesus Christ! [Cartman ends up face down in the water, which isn't deep enough to drown him. He flips over and coughs. Yates: Well kid, you made an entire town panic, you lost all your friends, and now you're going to Juvenile Hall for a week! Huh, was it worth it? Cartman: Totally. [smiles]

Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. In Mr. Garrison's classroom the kids enter and go for their desks. Mr. Garrison: Okay, children, let's take our seats. [a blond boy stands to his left] We have a new student joining us today who has just moved here from Utah. I want you all to say hi to Gary. [Gary looks around. The kids don't say a word] Gary: Hello everybody. It's really great to meet you all. Mr. Garrison: Gary was state champion in wrestling AND in tennis. [Stan, Kyle, and Kenny look at each other] He also maintained a 4.0 grade point average at his old school AND has been on two national commercials for toothpaste. Gary: I'm really excited to live in this town and share all kinds of great experiences with you, my new friends! Kyle: [quietly, to Stan] Oh, dude, what a little asshole! Stan: Yeah, screw that kid! Mr. Garrison: All right, Gary, why don't you take that empty seat and we'll get started with the lesson? [Gary goes to the seat to Cartman's right as Cartman looks on with some trepidation. Once Gary is seated, Cartman lurches away from him about six inches] Gary: [offering a handshake] Hey. My name's Gary. Cartman: [falsetto] Hi. My name's Eura. Eura Fag. Gary: [laughs] That's funny. You're cool, man. Mr. Garrison: Okay now, who can tell me what year the first astronauts landed on the moon? [writes "Moon Landing" on the board] Gary: [without hesitation] Oh! Oh oh oh! Nineteen sixty nine! Mr. Garrison: Very good, Gary. Wow, looks like I don't have a class full of retards anymore, doesn't it, children? [writes "1969" on the board] Scene Description: The playground. Gary is kicking a soccer ball around. The other fourth grade boys approach and look. Shown are Craig, Butters, Kyle, Clyde, Stan, Cartman, Token, Kevin, and another boy Kyle: Dude, that new kid is such a douche! Cartman: Yeah. Somebody needs to put him in him place! Butters: He's a peckerface, that's what he is! Cartman: Go kick his ass, Stan. Clyde: Yeah, go kick his ass. Stan: Well, maybe he won't fight. Cartman: Will he bleed? That's all we care about. Kyle: Come on, dude, somebody needs to wipe that fuckin' smirk off his face! Craig: Yeah, little bitch! Stan: All right, I'm gonna go kick his ass. [leaves] Cartman: Yeah! Go Stan! Go Stan! [then, when Stan is gone, softly] All right, I've got five bucks on the other kid. Who wants in? Gary: [looks up as Stan approaches] Oh hey there! You wanna kick the ball around with me? Stan: No. I'm... I'm gonna kick your ass. Gary: Excuse me? Stan: I'm gonna kick your ass... [glances back] bitch. Gary: How come you wanna fight me? ...Oh, I get it. I'm the new kid. [sigh] Yeah, I guess maybe I deserve it. Stan: [off guard] Huh? Gary: It's really tough being in a totally new place, but I think all you guys are really cool so... I understand if there's initiation rites. Stan: Dude, stop it. Butters: [back in the crowd] Let him have it, Stan! Stan: Shut up, Butters! Gary: The other kids are watching. Look, do what you gotta do. I won't fight back. I just hope that maybe afterwards we can... try to be friends someday. Kyle: [back in the crowd] What are they doing? Cartman: They're just standing there, talking. [A few moments later, Stan returns defeated. He glances back at Gary, then approaches the other boys] Kyle: What happened? [Stan glances back, then looks at Kyle] Stan: I'm... [stares back at Gary] going over to his house for dinner tonight. Token: What?! How did that happen? Stan: [stammering] He's a really nice kid. Cartman: You were supposed to kick his ass, not lick his butthole! Kyle: You're having dinner with his family? What kind of family has a kid like that? Scene Description: Gary's house. His family is enjoying itself at the dinner table, playing a board game, "LIVING", and laughing. Dad: Okay, my turn. [turns a little wheel] Ooo, five! [moves his piece] One two three four five. Uh, awww, lost your mortgage, pay ten thousand dollars! Oh no! [they all laugh. Gary and Stan enter] Mom: Hey, it's Gary! Older sister: Gary! Older brother: Great to see you! Mom: How are you? Gary: Hey everybody! This is my new friend Stan. Stan, this is my mom and dad. Dad: Hi Stan! Mom: It's so nice to meet you. Gary: [the camera pans to the older brother] And this is my brother Mark. Mark: Hi! Gary: [then to the older sister] My sister Jenny. Jenny: Hey! Gary: My little brother Dave. Dave: Hi! Gary: And my baby sister Amanda. Amanda: [removes her pacifier] Hello Stan! Dad: Well, it's great you could join us for Family Home Evening, Stan! Stan: What's that? Gary: That's when we don't allow any TV and just entertain each other with music and stories. Doesn't your family ever do that? Stan: No. Dad: Hey kids! Why don't you grab your instruments and play a song for Stan! Jenny: Oh yeah! Mark: All right! Let's play! [the kids grab their instruments. Jenny and Gary take guitars, Mark takes a trumpet, Dave takes the drums, and Amanda takes the little piano. The kids launch into song] Gary: Yeah yeah, yeah, I love my family! My family is the best! If we ever have to face a challenge. The kids: My family! Gary: Can pass the test. [the parents bounce softly to the beat. Next scene, the family is back at table for dinner. Mom comes in with a big turkey platter] Dad: Oh boy! Who is the best Mom in the world?? [the rest of the family chatters. Next scene shows Dave juggling three balls] Mark: All right! Go Dave! Gary: Yeah! Jenny, Mark: Woohoo! [next scene is Mark doing Shakespeare's "Hamlet", with skull] Mark: Where be your gibes now? Your gambols? Your songs? [next scene is Amando in Russian dress, dancing] The Family: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! [next scene, they're all laughing at something] Mark: That's a great story, Sarah. Dad: All right, kids, now how about we do some Scripture readings! From the Book of Mormon! Mark: All right! Kids: Yeah! Mark: Woohoo! OOWW! Stan: The... Book of Mormon? What's that? Gary: You know... the book that Joseph Smith found. Stan: Who's Joseph Smith? [they laugh at his ignorance] Mark: Only the most important person in the world. Jenny: You've never heard of him? Stan: No! Gary: Tell us the story of Joseph Smith, Dad. The other kids: Oh yes, tell us Dad. Yeah Dad. All right. Dad: All right, you rascals. Gather round. [the kids draw closer to their dad] Joseph Smith lived in a little American town in the early 1800s. Scene Description: A little American town in the early 1800s. A man rides by in a small carriage pulled by one horse. In the distance, Joseph Smith strolls into town. Singers: Joseph Smith was called a prophet Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb He started the Mormon religion Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb Blacksmith: There goes that kooky Joseph Smith. Customer: You know, he claims he spoke with God and Jesus. Woman: Well, how do you know he didn't? Singers: Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb Joseph Smith was called a prophet- Butler: Hey, Joseph! I told my wife that you spoke with God and Jesus, and she didn't believe it. Smith: Well it's true. I did. Wife: Where? Smith: I was out in the woods, praying [a shot of him on his knees in the woods] I was asking God if I should be a Protestant, or a Catholic, or what? And suddenly God and Jesus appeared before me. [a bright light appears before him and he shields his eyes from the glare] And they said I should start my own church, because none of the others had it right. [the flashback ends] And that's exactly how it happened. Butler: You see? You believe it now? Wife: Well yeah, sure. Why would he make that up? Singers: Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb Many people believed Joseph Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb And that night he-ee saw an angel Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb Smith: [in bed inside a shack] And please bless Mother and Father, and please keep our bellies full of yum-yums and luscious goodies. [a flash of light and a glowing orb flies around the room] AAAHH! [the orb turns into an angel] Oh my gosh! Angel: I am Moroni. I am a Native American. Smith: A... [looks at the camera] Native American? [looks at Moroni] But your skin is white. Moroni: Yes. Long ago all Native American were white. We all came to America from Jerusalem. And while we were here we were visited by Christ. Smith: [looks at the camera] Jesus live here in America? Moroni: Yes. Eventually, my people were all killed by the other tribe of Israel, and as punishment, God turned their skin red. These are the Native Americans you know today. [Smith looks at the camera dumbstruck] Singers: Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb Moroni: There is an ancient book buried near here, written on gold plates that account my people's lives. Also buried with the book are two seer stones, the Urim and Thummim, which will allow you to translate the writings. Find it, and fulfill your destiny. [brightens and then vanishes] Smith: Wooww... [gets up and dressed. He exits his shack] Singers: Joseph Smith was called a prophet Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb Scene Description: Back to the present. Dad: And we all know what happened then, don't we? Kids: Yeah! I know! Stan: What happened then? [a small timer rings] Mom: Ooo, the Rice Crispy squares are done! Kids: Rice Crispy squares! Yay! All right! Rice Crispy squares! Dad: Hey gang, let's wrap some more of them up in plastic wrap and hand them out to the poor! Gary: Awesome! I can't wait! Jenny: Yeah! [the family rises from the couch and leaves] Gary: You coming, Stan? Stan: No, I was supposed to be home at eight. Dad: Awww, that's too bad. Well, it was really nice meeting you, Stan. [the family returns and hugs Stan] Mark, Jenny: Bye Stan! Mom: Great to meet you! Gary: Bye! Scene Description: Stan's house, night. What a contrast. Randy watches TV on the couch with beer in hand, Shelly watches it on the floor, Sharon watches it from the dining table solving crossword puzzles. Stan enters upon this desolate scene. Stan: ...Hello? Sharon: Oh, hi Stan. Stan: [a few seconds later] Hey Dad, how come you never told me about Joseph Smith? Randy: Who? Shelly: Shut up, turd! We're watching Friends! Stan: The guy who spoke to God and Jesus. Sharon: Well, Stan, God and Jesus don't actually speak to people. Stan: That's not what the Harrisons said. Randy: Who are the Harrisons? Stan: The new people that moved in down the street. Mr. Harrison said that Joseph Smith spoke to God and Jesus and they told him none of the religions were right. Randy: Oh, did he now?! What are they, religious kooks?! Stan: They're not kooks, they're cool. I mean, how come we never have a night where we don't watch any TV and we just... do stuff together and eat and drink? Randy: We have that, Stan. It's called Friday Night Kegger. Stan: But that's just you and your friends. Shelly: I said shut up, turd! Stan: Mr. Harrison said that I should be following Heavenly Father's plan, and I don't even know what that is. Randy: [rises and moves towards the front door] All right, that does it! Sharon: Where are you going? Randy: I'm gonna go have a talk with this "Mr. Harrison." [grabs his coat from the coat rack and puts it on] If he thinks he can fill my son's head with wacko religious crap, he's wrong! [drinks the last of his beer] Sharon: Randy, don't cause trouble. Randy: Let me handle this, Sharon. You gotta put these cult people in their place or else they never stop! I'm gonna go kick this Mr. Garrison's ass! [exits and slams the door shut, but quickly returns] This, Mr. Harrison is, is a white guy, right? Stan: Yeah. Randy: [confidence restored] Yeah, I'm gonna go kick his ass! [slams the door] Scene Description: The neighborhood, night. Randy walks down the street. Randy: God-damned religious kooks! Tell my son what to believe, will you?! We'll see how you like my fist in your ass! [approaches the front door of the house and pounds on the door. Gary's father answers it] Mr. Harrison: Hello! Randy: Yeah, are you Mr. Harrison? Mr. Harrison: I sure am. [offers his right hand] The, the name's Gary. Randy: Well, look, my kid was just over at your house and he a- Gary Sr.: Oh, you're Stan's dad! It's so nice to finally meet you! Karen! Mr. Marsh is here! Randy: Uh, look, I just want to tell you that Karen: [arrives with a tray of squares] Oh, Mr. Marsh! What a treat! It's so nice to meet you! Randy: Well, thanks. Uh... Gary Sr.: Karen just finished baking the most amazing Rice Crispy squares. Karen: With chocolate frosting Gary Sr.: Come on out of the cold. You've gotta try one. Or six. [chuckles] Scene Description: The coffee table in the living room. Gary Sr.: I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to have you over. Karen: [serving lemonade] I hear you're a geologist. That is so amazing. Randy: Look, uh, I actually came over because I'm a little concerned about some of the things you told my son. Gary Sr., Karen: Uh huh? Randy: You know. About... God, and stuff. Gary Sr.: Oooh... Oh boy... you think we were trying to convert him. Randy: Well, I... Gary Sr.: Oh, Mr. Marsh, I am sooo sorry. Karen: We just moved here from Utah and we're so used to everyone being Mormon that we... Oh, we forget not everyone wants to hear about it. Oh boy, you must be furious! Randy: Well, no, no, I just... Gary Sr.: You just heard your son talking about religious ideals that aren't your own and you said "Who the heck do these people think they are?!" I I'm really, truly sorry, Mr. Marsh. It won't happen again. Randy: Y-you can call me... Randy. Karen: Randy, the last thing we want is for people to think we're pushing our religion. We know there are a lot of beliefs out there and ours just works for us. Gary Sr.: To each his own, right? Randy: Yeah. Yeah! You know, to be honest, I've never known any Mormons. I, don't even know what you people believe. Who was this Joseph Smith guy? Why did he believe that Native Americans are actually white people from Jerusalem? Gary Sr.: Well, because they found ancient books they had written on gold plates, right where the angel Moroni said they would be. Scene Description: The Early 1800s, day, a small town. People mill around. Smith: I found them! I found them! [people turn and look, and he stops] You're not gonna believe it, everybody! I found them! Butler: Found what? Smith: Another New Testament of Jesus Christ! People: What? What did he say? Are you crazy? Smith: Last night, a Native America angel told me where I could find another testament of Jesus Christ, so I went out to the woods. I dug around all morning where the angel had told me to look. [a shot of Smith digging yet another hole]. Smith: Maybe there isn't anything out here. [strikes something hard] Wait a tick! [throws the shovel off to the side] What's this? [starts digging and find a tiny coffin, then removes the lid] Wow... Smith: [back to the story] Inside the stone box, I found the magical seer stones. Under that, I found four gold plates written in strange writing [he lifts up two of them]. Smith: This must be the Gospel that Jesus told the Nephites! Smith: Well, they were the most amazing things I'd ever gazed upon. Man: [middle-aged] Well, so where are they? Smith: Where are what? Woman: The gold plates and the seer stones. Where are they? Smith: Oh, well, I... was not allowed to take them. You see, after I found the plates, the angel Moroni appeared to me again and said that I am not allowed to show the plates, or the seer stones, to anybody. Because first I must translate what's written on the plates into English, so you can all read it! Singers: Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb. People: Wow, amazing! Singers: He found the stones and golden plates Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb Even though nobody else ever saw them Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb Scene Description: The Marsh house. Sharon and Shelly are at their spots, Stan sits on the couch, all three watch TV. Randy returns with a Book of Mormon in hand. Sharon: So, how'd it go, Clubber Lange? You kicked Mr. Harrison's ass? Randy: Not exactly. We're uh, having their family over for dinner tomorrow night. Stan: See? That's what happened to me! Randy: Sharon, did you know this guy Joseph Smith found a new testament to the Bible buried here in America? Sharon: What are you talking about? Randy: Well it's just that... the Harrisons are really nice people and... you should see how loving and together their family is. I, I think there's something to that religion. Stan: That's what they made me think, too! Randy: All right, that does it. From now on, our family is Mormon! Scene Description: The neighborhood, day. In front of Kyle's house Kyle, Kenny and Cartman are tossing a football around. Stan arrives. Cartman catches the football and approaches Stan. Cartman: Hey Stan, how was your date last night with the new kid? Stan: Shut up, dude. They're a nice family and... Gary is actually really smart and talented. Cartman: [cooing] Aww, you guys. I think Stan's in love. Kyle: Yeah. Did you make out with him, too? Stan: What's the big deal? Can't I have other friends? You guys should give Gary a chance. Gary: [arrives] Hey Stan. Cartman: Ohhh, here's Stan's little girlfriend now. Gary: Hey guys. Stan, I remember you said last night that you'd lost your wallet, so I made you a new one. [hands Stan a brown leather wallet] I carved a picture of John Elway into the leather on the front. Stan: Wow, you made this? Cartman: [playing it up] Awww, look at them. Aren't they so cute together? Gary: Hey! My family's on their way over to the fire station to donate blood. You wanna come along? [Cartman gags.] Stan: Uh, I don't think so, Gary. I have to uh... [a car horn is heard] Gary: Oh here comes my family now! The Harrisons: Hey you guys! [they get out of the car] Karen: Look, we painted our faces! [they laugh] Mark: I'm a lion. [scratches the air like a lion might] Jenny: I'm an alien. [green face paint] Gary Sr.: Hey, just what the heck am I supposed to be? [they laugh] Cartman: Oh my God... Dave: [a piglet] You gonna come with us to the fire station, Stan? Stan: [fumbling about] Uh, no. I've got a lot to do. Gary Sr.: Well... Gary, you wanna just hang out with your friend Stan? Gary: Oh. Well, I'd like to, but... Oh man, I would miss you guys so much! Mark: We'd miss you too, Gary. Heh. Karen: Aw, we'll all see each other tonight when we go to Stan's house for dinner. Stay and play with your friend, Gary. Gary Sr.: Yeah. Have a good time, boys. [the family laughs and gets inside the car] Mark: Let's go. [the doors close and they drive off] Our faces are painted. [more laughter] Kyle: Wow! Gary: So what do you guys wanna do? Cartman: [backs away a bit with Kyle and Kenny] Uh, that's cool. We're gonna leave you two lovebirds alone. The three of us have to go put in some volunteer work at the homeless shelter. [looks at the other two. All three move off to their left and leave] Gary: Oh cool! I'm gonna do that tomorrow. Cartman: Eeheehee, Jesus Christ. [an awkward moment between Gary and Stan follows] Gary: So hey, I heard your dad came over last night and he and my dad talked about Joseph Smith. That's great! Stan: [turns right and walks. Gary walks alongside] Yeah. I had a question about that Joseph Smith guy. Gary: Sure. Stan: What happened after he found the golden plates buried in the ground? Gary: Well, he kept them hidden from everyone like he was told. And then he translated what was written on the plates into the Book of Mormon. Stan: Yeah, but... how? Scene Description: Back to the 1800s, night. Joseph Smith and another man walk up into the attic of a large building. Singers: Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb Man: What's this all about, Mr. Smith? Smith: Mr. Harris, can you keep a secret? Harris: Well, sure I can. Smith: I have, in my possession, an ancient book written on gold plates that tells of Jesus Christ's second coming. Here, in America. Harris: In America? [scratches his head] Really? That sounds kind of... Singers: Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb Smith: It's true. And I'm going to translate the plates and publish it into a book for the whole world to read. Now, ahah-I know you have a lot of money, Mr. Harris, and I'm just gonna need a little bit to pay for the publishing costs. Harris: Mmm, I don't know. Uh, how do you expect to translate it? Smith: With these. [presents the seer stones] Harris: Rocks? Smith: They're not rocks. They're seer stones, given to me by an angel. With them, God allowed me to translate the plates into English. Watch. You take this quill and paper and write down what I say. Sit here. [on the floor, by some sheets of paper and a quill pen in an ink well] I have the golden plates here in this hat. I need to have them somewhere dark so I can read the spiritual light. Harris: Really? Smith: Now, when I put the seer stones into the hat, the ancient letter light up and change into English, which I can then read to you. Harris: Wow! [Smith looks down and lowers his head so the face is buried in the hat] Smith: Ooo, I'm seeing the light. Oh, okay. Write this down. "And... so... it... was... that... Christ... appeared before... the... Nephites." Singers: And that's how the Book of Mormon was written Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb Dumb dadumb dumb dumb dumb dumb Dumb dadumb dumb dumb dumb dumb Dahumb dahumb dumb dumb dumb dumb Dumb dumb dumb dumb duuumb, duuumb. Scene Description: The Marsh house, night. At the dining table they're playing the same board game the Harrisons were playing a few nights before: "LIVING". Randy: One two three four. "Pay one thousand dollars property tax." [pays the property tax] Isn't this great, you guys? Our first Family Home Evening. Shelly: I wanna watch TV. Randy: We're not watching TV! We're Mormons now and we're having Family Home Evening! Stan: Dad, did you know that that Joseph Smith guy read the Book of Mormon out of a hat? Randy: And? [to Sharon] Your turn, Sharon. Stan: It's just that... the Book of Mormon says a lot of strange stuff, like that Adam and Eve lived in Jackson County, Missouri. Randy: Yes. Stan: But school taught me that the first man and woman lived in Africa. Randy: Well you can't believe everything school tells you, Stan. Your turn, Shelly. [the doorbell rings] Oooo, that must be the Harrisons! [rises and goes to the front door. He opens and the Harrisons walk in with enthusiasm, chatting away] Gary: Hey everybody. Mark: [walks around] Wow, what a great house! Karen: [walks up to Sharon] You must be Mrs. Marsh; it's so nice to meet you! Jenny: [walks up to Shelly] And you must be Stan's sister. Oh, I think your brother's the greatest. Shelly: My brother is a stupid turd. Gary: [walks up to Stan] Hey Stan. Stan: [with reservations] Hey Gary. Randy: Well, come on in and sit down, everybody. [they all settle in on the couches in the living room. Shelly avoids looking at the Harrisons] You're here just in time. My son was having a little problem with our new religion. Stan: Dad! Gary Sr.: Ohohoho, really? Well, that's just because he hasn't heard the best part about the Joseph Smith story! The one that proves he was for real! The Harrisons: Yeah! Woohoo! Randy: Ooo, what's that? Gary Sr.: Well, you remember Martin Harris, the rich man who wrote down what Joseph Smith read out of the hat? Stan: Yeah. Gary Sr.: See, after he was done, he took some of the pages of what would become the Book of Mormon home. Scene Description: Back to the 1800s, night, the large building. Singers: Martin went home to his wife Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb And showed her pages from the Book of Mormon Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb Harris: A-and so Joseph Smith put his head into a hat, a-and read to me what the golden plates said. I wrote it all down and we're gonna publish it into a book. Mrs. Harris: Martin, how do you know he isn't just making stuff up and pretending he's translating off golden plates? Singers: Lucy Harris smart smart smart Smart smart smart smart smart Harris: Why would he make it up? Singers: Martin Harris dumb dadumb- Lucy: All right, here. I'm gonna hide these pages. [puts them in a drawer at the bottom end of an armoir] If Joseph Smith really is translating off of golden plates, then he'll be able to do it again. But if Joseph Smith is making it all up, then the new translations will be different from these. Harris: Okay, fine. I bet he'll have no problem. [puts on his coat and heads out] Singers: Lucy Harris smart smart smart Martin Harris dumb. So Martin went on back to Smith Said the pages had gone away Smith got mad and told Martin He needed to go pray Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb Harris: [upon Smith's return] Look, ah I'm sorry about losin' the pages we worked on, Joe, but I'm ready to write it all down again if you translate from the plates. Smith: I would love to, Martin, except, I just had a vision. And the Lord said he's very angry with me for letting you take those pages. Harris: [gasps] He is?? Singers: Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb Smith: Yes. He is so mad that he will never let me translate from the plate of Lehi again. He's... we must now translate from the plate of Nephi. So it will be the same basic story, but written a little differently. Harris: Wow! If God got angry with you, then you must be tellin' the truth. Singers: Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb. Harris: All right, Martin. Let's get to work! [Smith reads from the hat again and dictates to Harris, who writes it all down] Scene Description: Back to the present, the Marsh house. Gary Sr.: And that's how it happened. Kids: Yeah! All right! [the Marshes sit there without a word to say] Stan: ...Wait. Mormons actually know this story and they still believe Joseph Smith was a prophet? Gary Sr.: Well sure. The story proves it, doesn't it? Stan: No, it proves he DID make it all up. Are you blind? Mark: Well, Stan, it's all a matter of faith. Stan: No, it's a matter of logic! If you're gonna say things that have been proven wrong, like that the first man and woman lived in Missouri, and that Native Americans came from Jerusalem, then you'd better have something to back it up. All you've got are a bunch of stories about some asswipe who read plates nobody ever saw out of a hat, and then couldn't do it again when the translations were hidden! Randy: Hey, Stan, don't denounce our religion. Stan: [crosses his arms] I don't wanna be Mormon, Dad! Shelly: Me neither. Gary: Hey, that's only cool, guys. You can believe whatever you want! Gary Sr.: Yeah, it's great you have your own beliefs. Gary: Yeah! Hooray for the Marshes! Stan: Oh, stop it! [stands up] That's another thing! Why do you have to be so freakin' nice all the time?! It isn't normal! You just weasel people into your way of thinking by acting like the happiest family in the world and being so nice to everyone that you just blindside dumb people like my Dad! Randy: Yeah! [moments later they are standing outside, and the door is slammed on their faces. They turn around, and Gary Sr. sighs] Gary Sr.: Well kids... Who's up for a water balloon fight?! Kids: Yeah! All right! [they leave the Marsh house in high spirits, except Gary, who looks insulted] Scene Description: The bus stop, next day. Kyle, Cartman and Kenny wait for the bus, Stan walks up somewhat somberly. Kyle: Oh, hey Stan. Where's your best buddy, Gary? Stan: I'm not hanging around that kid anymore. Cartman: [needling] Oh no! You guys broke up? Stan: You guys were right, okay? The new kid's a douche. Now I just gotta find a way to keep him away from me. Gary: [shows up] Hey Stan. Stan: Oh brother. Cartman: Uh oh, the jilted lover returns. Gary: Listen, I just wanted to let you know you don't have to worry about me tryin' to be your friend anymore. Stan: I don't? Gary: Look, maybe us Mormons do believe in crazy stories that make absolutely no sense, and maybe Joseph Smith did make it all up, but I have a great life. and a great family, and I have the Book of Mormon to thank for that. The truth is, I don't care if Joseph Smith made it all up, because what the church teaches now is loving your family, being nice and helping people. And even though people in this town might think that's stupid, I still choose to believe in it. All I ever did was try to be your friend, Stan, but you're so high and mighty you couldn't look past my religion and just be my friend back. You've got a lot of growing up to do, buddy. Suck my balls. [turns around and walks off. All four boys just look at him in wonder.] Cartman: Damn, that kid is cool, huh?

Scene Description: South Park Elementary, gymnasium, day. A school meeting is called and kids file in. Between two basketball backboards hangs a blue banner with the words "BUTT OUT!" The O doubles as a no-smoking symbol. There's plenty of chatter in the gym. Mr. Mackey: [off-screen] M'kay, kids, can I have it quiet, please? M'kay? M'kay, quiet now, the assembly's about to start, m'kay. M'kay, quiet ple-mk-m'kay? [Mr. Garrison approaches him, takes the microphone and puts it against one of the massive speakers, creating a loud feedback loop. The kids scream in pain as Mr. Garrison returns the mic to Mr. Mackey.] M'kay. Uh, now kids, we have a really fun motivational group today who are gonna talk to you about the dangers of smoking, m'kay? So please give a very big South Park Cows welcome to, "Butt Out!" [music starts up and a very enthusiastic troupe dashes out from behind the speakers and multi-screen monitor. After some chatter they begin to sing] Butt Out!: Butt out! Yeah yeah! Kids, that cigarette butt is gross! Butt out! Uh huh! Smokin's got to go! [the music stops and the troupe members strike poses] Kyle: [rolls his eyes] Oh no... Butt Out!: Yeah! All right! Woohoo!! Butt Out! lady: Hey students, how are we all feelin' today? Woooo! [not a sound emanates from the student audience] Butt Out! man 1: [steps forth] Hey, did you guys know that each year over six hundred thousand people a year die from smoking? A year! Butt Out! man 2: [steps forth] Six hundred thousand?? Are you sure you're not just blowing smoke? [the troupe members laugh] Butt Out! lady: Blow smoke? Us? No way! Because we don't need to smoke and neither do you, right kids? Butt out! Break it down! [a rap begins. The third male trouper becomes a human beat box.] Butt Out!: Butt out! Yeah yeah! It's cool to say no! Butt out! Uh huh! Smokin's got to go! Butt Out! man 3: [steps forward and begins his beat box, just a bunch of utterances including] Smoking, no. No smoking. [ends his bit and backs up] Butt Out! man 2: Freestyle! Butt Out! lady: Vernon! [The first of the Butt Out! males steps forth while the third one resumes his beat box] Vernon: Don't smoke! Don't ever smoke! Butt Out!: Kyle! [Vernon steps back into the line, the second But Out! male steps forth] Butt Out!'s Kyle: B to the U to the T to the T to the O to the U to the T to the C to the I to the G to the A to the R to the E to the T to the T to the E! Butt out, cigarette! Kyle: Dude, this is unbearable. Cartman: I'm going to kill myself. [return to the rap, which soon ends and Butt Out!'s Kyle goes back in line] Butt Out!: Randy! Butt Out!'s Randy: [steps forth] Smoke you know has got to go. You go, you got to know to say the "no" to the smoke, you go go.. [Stan holds his nose, grimaces and sighs heavily] ... you gotta get it! Butt Out!: Pam! Pam: [steps forth and makes like a diesel truck pulling to a stop. In a screeching voice she says] Dooooonttt smooooke. Butt Out!: Woohoo! [she goes back into the line] Cartman: You guys, Kenny's eating his own hand. [Kenny's chewing on his left hand. Stan and Kyle are half asleep] Butt Out!'s Kyle: Hey! What's the big deal? I like smoking, and it makes me cool! [turns his hat around so it's on backwards, and strikes a pose] Pam: Oh, really?? Do you think lung cancer is cool, too?? [Butt Out!'s Kyle strikes a surprised pose] Butt Out!'s Randy: What about emphysema?? Is that cool?? [Butt Out!'s Kyle clasps his hands together] Vernon: And what about abortion, and AIDS? [Butt Out!'s Kyle slumps] Butt Out!'s Randy: Pfft! That's none's the cool. Pam: Word. Vernon: Yeah. So butt out! [Butt Out!'s Kyle turns his hat back around] Butt Out!: Butt out! Yeah yeah! Give that cigarette butt a throw! Stan: [rolls eyes] Ugh, Jesus Christ! [Cartman has his hands buried in his face] Butt Out!: Butt out! Uh huh! Smokin's got to go! Vernon: Remember, kids, if you smoke, you could grow up to be a failure. Pam: Worse yet, you could grow up to be dead. [collapses into Vernon's arms. He stands her up again] Butt Out!'s Kyle: So don't believe what those evil tobacco companies tell you! Butt Out!'s Randy: Yeah, because if you don't smoke, you can grow up to be- Butt Out!: [strikes one final pose] Just Like Us. [the boys look at each other, not quite sure what to make of that] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, loading area. The boys are there next to a trash bin, smoking ... and coughing. Stan: Give me a hit. Give me another one, give me another one. [takes a cigarette from Kyle's pack, lights up, and puffs] Kyle: Aw dude, this is really hard. Cartman: Oh shit, here comes Mr. Mackey. [the boys quickly turn away and toss the cigarettes and lighter into the trash bin] Kyle: Throw 'em away! [the boys' faces are red. Kyle glances back] Dudes, here he comes. Guys, stop coughing. [the boys stifle their coughs as Mr. Mackey draws near.] Mr. Mackey: [stops, then walks around to face the boys] Boys, what are you doing back here? [the boys try their best to keep their coughs in check] I asked you a question: What are you doing back here, 'k?! Cartman: [in clipped tones] Nothing. Mr. Mackey: What?? Cartman: Nothin' Na- Due-nothing. [moments later Stan sneezes, and a large amount of snot ends up on his face and jacket] Kyle: [looks] D'awww sick! [Stan coughs and tries to cover his mouth] Cartman: Gross dude! [with the stifles broken, the boys resume coughing] Mr. Mackey: Well hey, if I didn't know any better, I'd think you boys have been smoking! Cartman: No... No, Mr. Mackey... We don't have any cigarettes. Mr. Mackey: Well you'd better not! Because let me tell you some'n' about smokin'! [a burst of flame appears in the trash bin] Uh, smokin's bad, m'kay. [the boys look a bit alarmed] And uh, if you start smokin' at an early age, m'kay, it's gonna be bad. [the wall behind the bin and one of the posts holding up the awning over the loading dock burst into flame. The boys are getting scared. More of the wall bursts into flames and the flames begin to enter classrooms] M'kay, because uh, smoking can lead to all kinds of health problems like cancer. [the rest of the awning bursts into flames and flames appear at the bottom of the roll-away security door] M'kay, and let me tell you something about cancer, m'kay. Cancer's bad. M'kay, and uh, eh, what? [sniffs] What the? [turns around] Holy shit! M'kay?! [the fire alarm goes off and the school empties out the front door. Mr. Garrison, Mr. Adler, Ms. Choise, and Mr. Slave are all seen] Mr. Slave: Oh! Jesus Christ! [time-lapse a few hours. The school has been gutted by the flames and firefighters clean up. Police are present for crowd control. Mr. Mackey is none too pleased] Stan: ...Whoops. Scene Description: The Principal's office, Only the door and the desk remain. The bookshelves are burnt up except for the bottom shelf. The cabinets are charred. The desk is charred and two of its legs are burnt off. Principal Victoria: [seated behind her desk] Well, you boys have certainly done it this time! Cartman: We're sorry. Principal Victoria: Not as sorry as you're going to be when your parents get here! Ah, here they come now. [sure enough, their parents can be seen approaching through the ruins] Kyle: Oh God... [looks down. One of the parents knocks.] Principal Victoria: Come on in. [Randy opens the door and the parents enter] Sharon: Stanley, what did you do this time?! Principal Victoria: You'd better brace yourself, parents. The boys were caught... smoking! Sheila: Smoking? Sharon: No, it can't be! My son is not a filthy smoker! [begins to sob. Randy holds her] Stan: Mom... [Randy holds her tight] Dad, it was just a- Randy: I don't have a son! Liane: Eric, you've done a lot of horrible things in your life, but smoking? You're grounded for three weeks! Cartman: Three weeks?! Are you fucking kidding me? Gerald: Haven't you boys heard anything about how harmful smoking is to you and those around you? Sheila: Of course they haven't, because the tobacco companies have gotten to them first. This is really their fault. Kyle: [seizing the opportunity] Yeah. This is really their fault. Sheila: No matter how much money the anti-smoking groups spend, the tobacco companies are there to fill our children's heads with lies and propaganda that make them wanna smoke. Cartman: [agreeing] Yeah, huh? [launches into a small demonstration] It-it's like the tobacco companies have control of my mind- No. Must. Fight it. Tobacco companies... making me want to smoke. Ah! Liane: Oh my goodness, I had no idea. [kneels next to him] Are you okay, sweetie? Randy: Well, those God-damned tobacco companies aren't gonna have control over MY kid! I say we bring them down! Sheila: We need the help of the greatest anti-smoking celebrity that ever lived. Rob Reiner. Kyle: [to Stan] Who's Rob Reiner? Scene Description: Rob Reiner's Smoke Stoppers, day. A blue skyscraper flanked by two taller blue towers, with the Hollywood sign in the background. Inside, Rob Reiner speaks to four executives, but he's facing the window. He's reading from some papers. Rob Reiner: [breathless, dabs his forehead] I don't understand it. I pushed a law for higher taxes on cigarettes, I lobbied to get images of cigarettes removed from movies and art, I forced smokers out of bars and parks, but still I get letters from parents saying their kids are doin' it. [puts the papers on the desk, unwraps a triple cheeseburger, starts eating it, and sits down at his desk] Apparently, people still don't understand how bad smoking people is for them. Don't they know how dangerous it is to their health? [dabs his forehead] Don't they know the hazard of second-hand smoke? Executive 1: According to the letter, sir, the town has a tobacco company quite near them. Rob Reiner: Yeah, that must be it. [dabs his forehead] The tobacco companies, with their millions of dollars and their slick desks and fancy buildings, [the camera pulls out to show the slick desk and fancy building Reiner is in. Reiner dabs his forehead again] they're the ones making music wanna smoke! [dabs his forehead again, opens another triple cheeseburger and begins munching on that] They're the ones hurting our nation's health! I will not stand by and see the children of America corrupted by those bastards! [dabs his forehead] This is war!! Scene Description: South Park City Hall, day. People have gathered to greet Reiner when he arrives, and some people have signs saying the same thing as the banner. Other signs say "THANKS ROB!!", "Welcome MEATHEAD!" and "Give 'em hell REINER!" Stan and friends wait by the front door. Kyle: You guys, maybe we should come clean right now and tell everyone that it wasn't the tobacco companies that made us want to smoke. Stan: What?? Cartman: Why? It's perfect. If everyone's blaming the tobacco companies, then nobody's blaming us. Stan: Yeah, what's the problem? Kyle: Well it's just that, eh, this seems like another one of those times when things are gonna get way out of hands, you know? It's been happening a lot lately. How about this time we just put a stop to it right now? Cartman: Dumbass, you don't wanna be grounded for three weeks, do you? Stan: Yeah, don't worry dude. Things aren't gonna get out of hand. Mr. Garrison: Here he comes! [Two Smoke Stoppers vans and a big rig pull up to City Hall. Rob Reiner follows in a Cadillac, which stops at the walkway leading up to the front door. Reiner opens the door and tries to get out, but he's too big to fit through.] Rob Reiner: [after a few grunts] Damnit. [struggles some more, but fails to move any] Butter! [the driver glances back] Butter! [the driver exits the car and walks around the front] Mr. Garrison: What'd he say? Rob Reiner: Butter!! [the driver arrives with a bucket of butter. Rob Reiner grabs a bunch of it and butters himself up. The driver leaves with the butter as Reiner rubs the last of it against the seat of his pants. Reiner struggles once more and pops out of the car, falling to the ground. He stumbles, then rises and stumbles again. This time he stands up and raises his hands in victory. This raises his sweater, and his belly is exposed. He notices this and lowers his sweater. He raises his hands again and his sweater rises. He lowers his hands and walks up to the dais. The mic transmits his breathlessness as he dabs his forehead. His cheeks are rosy from the heat leaving his head] Hello South Park!! [the crowd cheers, the boys look at each other] It is so nice to see an entire town come together to fight for good health! And I'm gonna help ya! [the crowd cheers] These poor innocent children have been seduced into smoking tobacco. So I say, "We fight fire with fire!" We're gonna use these children to bring the tobacco companies down! [someone shoots some confetti in the air and it rains down over everybody.] Kyle: Oh no... Scene Description: The town bar. Reiner sits at a booth with the boys, feverishly eating. A waitress comes up with a platter of cheeseburgers and fries. Rob Reiner: Alright kids, here's what we're gonna do. [the waitress replaces a cleared platter with the newly loaded one] We're gonna sneak you into the tobacco company by saying you kids want a tour for a school paper. [begins eating the burgers and dabs his head] Once you're inside, mm, mm, I'm gonna take photos and then we'll publish them, saying that the tobacco company invited you over to seduce you into smoking. Got it? Cartman: Got it! [Stan and Kyle look at each other] Kyle: But... isn't that, kind of, lying? Rob Reiner: Uh, we're just leveling out the playing field. [dabs his forehead] The tobacco companies lie to you about the dangers of smoking. If we're gonna take them down, we've gotta lie right back! [begins to sniff around after detecting cigarette smoke, then focuses in on the source. The boys look as well. The source is a man wearing a Buds Light Beer hat, enjoying a drink and a smoke at the bar] Oh my God! [coughs loudly, but fails to get the man's attention. He rises from the booth and walks up to the smoker] Excuse me! BUDS man: Yes? Rob Reiner: Would you mind putting that death stick out?! BUDS man: But, uh, this is a bar. Rob Reiner: Isn't smoking illegal in bars here? Bartender: Not in Colorado. Rob Reiner: Oh my God! What kind of backward hick state is this?! BUDS man: Look man, I work fourteen hours a day at the saw mill. I just got off work and I need to relax. Rob Reiner: Well when I relax I just go to my vacation house in Hawaii! BUDS man: [getting irritated] I ain't got a vacation house in Hawaii! Rob Reiner: Your vacation house in Mexico, then, whatever it is! Look, you are putting my life and these boys' lives in danger by smoking that in here! And I'm not gonna tolerate it! I will end smoking in bars in Colorado! There will be no more smoking here! Scene Description: Back at the table... Cartman: [impressed] Isn't he awesome, you guys? Kyle: What?? Cartman: Dude, he just goes around imposing his will on people. He's my idol. [pics up an onion ring and munches on it] Scene Description: Big Tobacco Co., day. Reiner and the boys approach the front door. Rob Reiner: [turns to face the boys] All right boys, just do what I tell ya and we'll be able to sue this tobacco company for two billion dollars! [pulls out a drumstick from his sack and starts eating it] As soon as we get into the main facility, I'll snap the photo of you kids, and we can all run out! Think you can handle it? Cartman: Handle it? For two billion dollars I'd handle my grandpa's balls, sir. Rob Reiner: Heh, great. [opens the sack and pulls out a costume] Okay, now watch yourselves, kids. These tobacco company people will do anything to get you hooked on smoking. They are liars and they are frauds! Scene Description: Big Tobacco Co., headquarters. A door opens and closes. Receptionist: Can I help you? Rob Reiner: [now dressed in the costume he pulled out] Yes. My name is Rita Poon. I called about my boys wanting a tour. Executive: [enters the scene] Ah, yes, Mrs. Poon. My name's Kevin Harris and I'm the vice president of Big Tobacco. Rob Reiner: Oh. Hello, Mr. Harris. Kevin Harris: Well, come on in. [motions the group to a hallway, which they enter] How about a little history first? [stops by a portrait of Indians seated around a campfire] Native Americans were the first to cultivate the tobacco plant. They smoked it in pipes for medicinal and ceremonial purposes. Rob Reiner: [mutters] Not if I were around, they wouldn't have. Kevin Harris: Excuse me? Rob Reiner: Oh, nothing! Please continue. Kevin Harris: The first successful commercial crop of tobacco was cultivated in Virginia in 1612. [stops by a portrait of Pilgrims harvesting the crop] Within seven years it was one of the country's largest exports. Kyle: So, tobacco helped to build America. Kevin Harris: That's right. Over the next few centuries the tobacco business was so great that many slaves were brought from Africa to help work the fields. Cartman: [strokes his chin] Which means, if it weren't for tobacco, many of our black friends wouldn't be here today. Kevin Harris: [moves on] And so for centuries, tobacco production flourished. Nobody was even aware of any dangers back then, until, in 1965, [stops at a framed tobacco warning] when Congress passed an act forcing all tobacco companies to put the Surgeon General's warning on their packages. So now, everyone knows the dangers of smoking. And some people still choose to do it, and we believe that's what being an American is all about. Kyle: That sounds perfectly reasonable. Kevin Harris: And here's our factory at work. [opens the double doors to the factory. The workers begin to sing. Some of them scoop tobacco plants into large tanks. Other collect minced leaves into large wheelbarrows, others keep inventory. They break into song and dance near the end of the song] Factory workers: With a hidey lidey lidey and a hidey lidey lay We work and we make cigarettes all hidey lidey day So folks can get a breaky from their stressful lidey lives And relaxy with the cigarettes we make all day and night Young worker: I like to have a cigarette every now and then [turns around] It makes me fee-l calmer when the day is at an end. [hops onto the wheelbarrow and rides away] Older worker: And if it gives me cancer when I'm eighty I don't care Who the hell wants to be ninety anyway. Factory workers: So with a hidey lidey lidey and a hidey lidey lay We work and we make cigarettes all hidey lidey day So folks can get a breaky from their stressful lidey lives And relaxy with the cigarettes we make all day and night Kevin Harris: Well, I guess that's the end of our tour. Rob Reiner: Oh, here boys. Let me get your picture. [the boys turn around and Reiner takes the picture] Got it! Ha! You bastards are going down now! Kevin Harris: What?? Rob Reiner: I'm not Rita Poon! I'm Rob Reiner! [takes off the wig] And you've just been Reinered! Come on boys, let's make our escape! [makes a dash for the exit. A worker with a cart of cases of cigarettes is gong about his business] Don't you try and stop us! [he smacks the worker, who goes down cold. He runs further on and picks up another worker over his head, then throws him down onto the floor below. The other workers panic] Kevin Harris: [looks down at the mayhem] Oh my God! Scene Description: Temporary Smoke Stoppers offices, night. Reiner and the boys arrive. Rob Reiner: Hoh boy, that was great, kids. Stan: Those people at the tobacco company all seem really nice. Rob Reiner: Hah, you see that? They got into your head. Now you kids can meet some good, decent people, the folks who work to get smoking banned! Scene Description: Temporary Smoke Stoppers offices, interior. The workers there walk around like zombies, or Igor, Dr. Frankenstein's helper. They make grunts as they pass each other. The woman runs off and the man chases after her. Rob Reiner: [walks across the room towards a table laden with burgers] This is how we get rid of smokers. [approaches and grabs a burger] We go state to state and do things like, use bogus studies and make extensive commercials to get the public on our side and force cigarette smokers to stop! Cartman: Wow. It's like, it's like, smoking brings a lot of people just a little bit of joy and, and you get to take that away from them. [cuddles up to Reiner] You are so awesome. Rob Reiner: [walks up to an employee and hands him the camera. The worker hooks it up to his computer] Here you go Bob. [Explains to the boys] This is Mr. Baffrey. He does all our Photoshop work. [the screen is shown with a picture loading behind a download progress bar] Now, all we have to do is Photoshop cigarettes into your hands! [Baffrey places cigarettes into the boys' hands] And bingo! When this hits the papers the tobacco company is screwed! Hahahaha! [Baffrey joins in the laughter] Kyle: But dude, you're making stuff up. Rob Reiner: [munching on another burger] You kids need to understand something, okay? Sometimes lying is okay. Like, when you know what's good for people more than they do. Cartman: Oh my God, that is what I've always said. [motions to Reiner] I love this guy! worker: [walks in with a news feed] Mr. Reiner, your bill to have smoking outlawed at bars here didn't pass. Rob Reiner: What?! [grabs the news feed the worker was holding] God-damnit, what the hell is wrong with people in this state?! worker: Apparently, several people here still believe there's no proof second-hand smoke can kill you. Rob Reiner: Well they want proof?! All right, we'll give them proof! Boys, I need one of you to act in a commercial for us! We'll shoot it tomorrow! Cartman: [eagerly] Wow, a commercial? Rob Reiner: And you boys decide which one of you will be best for the part. All right people, we've gotta get moving on the bill to ban smoking in Potsdam! Let's go! Cartman: God, he's just the best! [rushes off to follow Reiner] Mr. Reiner, can I get you a muffin? O-or a cold drink, perhaps? Scene Description: Outside the tent. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny rush out of there and stop some distance away from it. Kyle: Guys, I think we should bail out of this right now! Stan: Huh? Kyle: This is just startin' to look like another one of those times where it-it's gonna end up with the whole town turning out, it's a big showdown happening, and us havin' to talk about what we learned, and I say we just stop right now, and go play cards or something. Kenny: (Well yep, that's what I think.) Stan: Yeah, maybe you're right. [Cartman walks out and catches up to the others] Cartman: So, heh gentlemen, looks like only one of us gets to be in the commercial, huh? Who will it be...? Gentlemen, the game is on! Kyle: Go ahead. We don't wanna be in their stupid commercial. Cartman: [confused] Huh? Oh, I get it, Kyle. That's your Serbian Jew double bluff. Make me think you don't care about being in the commercial so that maybe I won't either. Ooops. didn't work, did it, Kyle? Kyle: No, we really want nothing more to do with these people. Cartman: Sure you don't, Kyle. Oh, and neither do I. Oh, I know what you're gonna say next. You're gonna say, "How about none of us show up tomorrow to do it?" And then I'm supposed to agree so that tomorrow you can waltz in all by yourself and do the commercial. That's Serbian Jew double bluff and it ain't [poke] gonna [poke] work [poke] on [poke] me [poke] ha [poke] ha [poke] ha [poke]. Only one of us can be in the commercial, gentlemen. The game... is on. [leaves] Scene Description: Kyle's house, night. Cartman climbs up to the second story and opens a window at the end of the hallway. He carries with him a bunch of lumber, a hammer, and some nails. He approaches Kyle's door and gets to work hammering the lumber in place over the door. Cartman: Sorry Kyle, but I'm afraid only one of us will be showing up to do the commercial tomorrow! Hahahaha! Thought you had me with your Serbian Jew double bluff, didn't you?! Well let's see you try to open this door now. [Cartman forgets that hallway doors open in to their respective rooms] Hahahahaha! Haa haa hahahahahaha! Haa haa haha- [Kyle appears next to him with a glass of water] Kyle: What are you doing? [Cartman snaps his head around and looks] Cartman: [drops his hammer in this awkward moment] Oh... Hello, Kyle. Oh man. Wait, this isn't my house. Kyle: Cartman, you go ahead and do the commercial tomorrow. But I'm warning you, those anti-smoking people are liars and they're bullies who will stop at nothing to get what they want, and that means they're dangerous. [walks around Cartman, opens the door, goes under lumber obstruction, enters the bedroom, then closes the door. Cartman is a bit surprised] Cartman: Hahahahahaha! [resumes hammering] Nice try, Kyle! Let's see you try to get through the door now! Haa haa hahahahaha! Scene Description: Temporary Smoke Stoppers offices, day. Cartman is at the photo shoot getting makeup, being prepped for the shot. Rob Reiner: Okay Eric, this is going to be real simple. All you gotta do is read the words on the Teleprompter here. [motions to the monitor to his right, which has the Teleprompter ready to go] Cartman: [giddily] Heh, okay. [the make-up crew leave] Rob Reiner: Let's see how the tobacco companies deal with this. [settles into his director's chair] All right, roll camera. Roll the TelePrompTer. And whenever you're ready, Eric. Cartman: Heh, okay, okay. [takes a deep breath, then strikes a somber pose] You know, some people say there's no proof that second-hand smoke kills. The tobacco companies say there's no proof that second-hand smoke kills. I've just been diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. I guess... I'm the proof. The next time you want to believe that second-hand smoke doesn't kill, think about me. Because, by the time you see this commercial, I'll be... dead. [takes a closer look at that last line, then looks at Reiner] Dead?? Rob Reiner: And cut! Great! We got it! Wrap it up, people. That was fantastic. Cartman: Uh what... what does that mean, "I'll be dead"? Hey, uh what, what was that "dead" part? Scary Assistant: That was very good, Eric. Here, eat this cupcake. Cartman: Uh, nnno, thanks. I'm not hungry. Scary Assistant: But you are. Just eat this one cupcake. It has... sprinkles. Cartman: [pushes the cupcake away] I'm not eating the cupcake. Rob Reiner: [approaches Eric] Eric, do you know what a hero is? A hero is somebody who sacrifices himself for the good of others. You can be a hero, Eric. All you have to do... is eat the cupcake. [the scary assistant moves it towards Eric's mouth again] Cartman: [realizes what the words he said mean and bolts from the stool] Jesus Christ! HAAAA! Rob Reiner: [gives chase] Hey! [Eric runs out a side door, Reiner follows close behind] Scene Description: Stan's house. The other boys are in the dining room playing cards. Cartman opens the door, runs in, and closes it quick. He then goes to a window and looks to see if he's being followed. Stan: What are you doing, Cartman? Cartman: They're going to kill me! [walks to the other window and looks out] Kyle: Who's going to kill you? Cartman: The anti-smoking people! They had me say I died from second-hand smoke and... now they want to sacrifice me to make it look real! They'll stop at nothing!! Stan: [pushes away from the table] Well, get away from us then. Kyle: Yeah dude, don't get us killed too. [the boys leave the table] Cartman: [draws close] You guys have to help me! Kyle: [the other boys back away] No dude, get away! Cartman: [draws close] Please, you guys, I don't know what to do! Stan: Stop it, Cartman! Go die on your own! Cartman: If I go, you guys go! Stan: Daaaad! Randy: [enters from the kitchen] What? Stan: Anti-smoking people are trying to kill Cartman and he won't stay away from us! Randy: Don't be ridiculous, boys. The anti-smoking people are kind, caring, and intelligent. Your heads have just been corrupted by the lies of the big tobacco companies. [turns around and goes back into the kitchen] Cartman: Hey, maybe that's it, you guys. Maybe the tobacco company can help us! [the boys keep their distance] Stan: Help you, fatass! We weren't in the commercial, remember? Kyle: Yeah! Go to the tobacco company yourself! Cartman: Well that's fine. I thought you guys were my friends, but I guess I was wrong! [crosses his arms] Kyle: Yeah dude. You were totally wrong. Kenny: (Uh huh.) Cartman: You guys, I am seriously gettin' pissed off heh! Now come on, we're goin' to the tobacco company! Stan: [yielding] Oh all right. Kyle: No! What we really should do is go to our parents right now and take responsibility for smoking ourselves. Even if it means getting grounded. Stan: Why? Kyle: Because, if we go to the tobacco company, I know exactly what'll happen. They'll take us in, and then Rob Reiner will show up with all the townspeople, holding torches or something, and there'll be a big showdown until we talk about what we learned, and change everyone's minds - this is all following a formula! Stan: So it's either deal with all that, or be grounded for three weeks. [all the boys stroke their chins] Scene Description: Big Tobacco Co., night. The town arrives with all the townspeople carrying torches and clamoring. Kyle: God-damnit! [Cartman hides behind Mr. Harris upon seeing Rob Reiner] Rob Reiner: Give us the child! Kevin Harris: We will not! Rob Reiner: There, you see that?! The tobacco company won't give us the kid! And do you know why?! Because they know that if they give us that kid, then we'll kill him! And when our commercial goes on the air, it will lose them business! Townspeople: Yeah! Yeah, that's right! Mr. Mackey: [suddenly realizes] Wait a minute, what? Rob Reiner: Yeah. When we kill the kid, people are gonna think it's because of second-hand smoke! And then these bastards are all gonna make money, and they know it! [crowd goes silent] Randy: Wha- what the hell is wrong with you? That's not right. Rob Reiner: Oh, God-damnit, do I have to explain this again?! Smoking is bad, people! So if we have to be a little extreme to stop it, it's okay! Kyle: No it isn't, you fat turd! Because, I've learned something today. You just hate- [to Stan] See, I knew it. Stan: Yup. Kyle: You just hate smoking, so you use all your money and power to force others to think like you. And that's called fascism, you tubby asshole! Rob Reiner: God-Damnit There'll be no more smoking!! Stan: It wasn't the tobacco companies' fault that we smoked. It was our fault, us! We should all take personal responsibility instead of letting fat fascists like him tell us what to do! Mr. Mackey: You're right, boys, m'kay? BUDS man: Yeah. Let smokers smoke. Townspeople: Yeah!! Mr. Garrison: Hey Mr. Reiner, why don't you Butt Out! [they all laugh] Rob Reiner: [holding a big slice of chocolate cake] I'm warning you: don't mess with anti-smoking groups! Cartman: [approaches Reiner] I don't idolize you anymore, asshole! [takes the fork Reiner was holding and jabs it into his belly, Reiner begins to deflate as fat gushes out of the punctures Cartman made with the fork] Rob Reiner: My goo! My precious goo! [apparently, there were no bones there. All that's left of Reiner is a puddle of fat and the skin it was all in. Cartman returns to the other boys, and the parents gather around them] Sheila: So Kyle, it wasn't the tobacco company that made you wanna smoke? Kyle: No. Sheila: Well then, you are grounded, mister! Liane: You too, Eric. Cartman: Aw awww! Scene Description: Added in later showings of the episode. Stan: Well, I guess we learned our lesson. Kyle: No we didn't, dude! No we didn't! [walks off]

Scene Description: South Park Elementary playground, recess or lunch. The camera pans across the playground and settles on two teams of seven players each. A football lies on the ground between the two groups. The group left of the football consists of Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, Butters, Token, and Clyde. The second includes Craig, Tweek, Kevin, Pip, and three others Stan: All right, you guys, it's first down. I'll hike the ball on the third "set hut!" Kyle and Cartman, go deep post out. Kenny, run a slant down the middle. Butters, be ready for the screen. Cartman: Right. What are we playing again? Stan: Football. Cartman: Got it. [the teams get into position] Stan: Okay. 23! [Bebe appears behind him and taps him on the shoulder] Blue, 23! Set hut! Set hut! [Bebe taps him on the shoulder again. Stan turns and looks at her] Bebe: Wendy breaks up. Stan: What? [looks let down] Bebe: Wendy breaks up with you. [turns to walk away. Stan looks on for a few seconds] Stan: [moves forth to hold her up] Oh whoa, wait a minute. [Bebe turns around] What did I do wrong? I haven't even talked to Wendy for weeks. [This gets the other boys' attention] Bebe: She just doesn't wanna be with you anymore. She said she still wants to be friends. [the other boys turn to see what's going on] Cartman: What-ever, Bebe! Like Stan really cares! Just get out of our football game, you stupid skank! Bebe: Fuck you, fatass! You guys are assholes! Butters: Oh yeah? Well, at least we have assholes, you dumb girl! Cartman: Yeh-heah, right! Bebe: God, you're so stupid! [turns around and walks away] Cartman: What a whore! [turns around and goes back to the game. The other boys do the same. Stan is too stunned to move] Kyle: Yeah! Like Stan gives a crap if Wendy breaks up! [The boys get back into their playing positions. A few moments Kyle looks back] Stan? [Clyde looks back, then Cartman] Cartman: [turns around] Come on, Stan, it's first down still. [Butters looks back, then Kenny. Stan loses heart and walks off slowly, his head hanging low. The other boys look at each other, unsure what to make of that. A montage begins.] Scene Description: Stan is next seen walking onto a small red stone bridge. The next scene has him walking down the middle of a two-lane road in the rain. He stops to take in the moist air. The next scene has him back on the bridge, looking over the creek with his head on his right hand. On the water he sees a reflection of Wendy walk up to him. She's smiling. He brightens as she approaches. He turns to greet her, but there's no one to greet. He looks back at the creek, then turns around and walks off. The next scene has him at a rainy night sitting on the curb in a run-down part of town, under a working street light, with his face buried in his legs, crying. The last scene has him in his room, sitting on the floor by his bed, looking at a picture of Wendy. He gently strokes the picture, which has Wendy holding a daisy and smiling broadly. On the picture are written the words "I love you forever. Wendy." The image fades to black Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. In the hallway Craig goes to a drinking fountain for a drink of water. Fosse and Dog Poo walk towards the camera. Stan is at the far end watching Wendy open her locker. Stan looks away and walks towards Kyle, who's seated next to his locker reading a book. Stan: Kyle, will you talk to Wendy for me? Kyle: [not looking up] Why? Stan: 'Cause I need to know why she broke up. Kyle: Aw, dude, come on. I gotta do my science homework. Stan: [pleading] Dude, please. I might still have a chance to make things work. Please, just go talk to her? Kyle: [puts his book down and sighs] God damn it! [walks over to Wendy, but avoids eye contact] Wendy, Stan wants to know why you break up. [Wendy turns around] Wendy: Look, Stan is really nice. I just don't wanna be boyfriend and girlfriend anymore. I've been wanting to break up for a while. but it's, it's nothing against him. Kyle: 'Kay. [walks back to Stan, but avoids looking at him, as well] She says she's been wantin' to break up for a while, and it's nothing against you. Stan: What? That's no answer! [nudges him a bit] Go tell her to be more direct with me. Kyle: [goes for his books and picks them up] No dude, I'm out. Go talk to her yourself. Be poetic. [walks off. Jimmy appears] Stan: Kyle, this is my life. [points at Jimmy] Jimmy! Jimmy: Hey Stan. Stan: Jimmy, will you go talk to Wendy for me? Jimmy: For- Forw- Forw-w-w what? Stan: Just go talk to her an, and be poetic. Tell her she's my Muse-no! Tell her, [thinks] tell her... [gestures] she's a con-tinuing source of inspiration to me. Jimmy: She's what? Stan: She's a continuing source of inspiration to me. Jimmy: ...Okay. [walks over to Wendy] Hey uh-Wen, hey wu-Wendy. [she turns around with her books] Wendy: Yeah? Jimmy: Stan says you're a cont...[pronouncing as "cunt"] you're a- cont- S-Stan says you're a cont- cont- Wendy: Well tell Stan to fuck off!! [closes her locker and runs away] Jimmy: -cont- You're a cont-tinuing source of inspiration to him. [his mission done, he returns to Stan] Stan: Well? Jimmy: She just- w-walked away, Stan. You're gonna have to face facts. It's over. [hangs his head for emphasis, then walks off] Stan: [softly] Over? [walks away dejected. He's next seen in bed, a blanket hung across his window blocking out the outside light. He has his sheets drawn up tight against his chin. A few moments later, Kyle enters with Butters, Cartman, Jimmy and Kenny. Kyle studies his friend.] Jesus... Butters: We came over to cheer you up, Stan! Stan: [softly, creaking] ...Go away. Kyle: Stan, you can't keep doing this to yourself. You have to go live. Stan: Why? What's the point of living when the only girl I ever loved is gone? Cartman: God, what a fag! Kyle: Dude, not now! [Cartman looks down, embarrassed] Stan: You guys have no idea how this feels. It's like, you always hear songs about a broken heart and you think it's just a figure of speech? But it's true. My chest hurts. I feel this like, sinking feeling where my heart is. It's broken... Kyle: Jeez, he's worse than I thought. Butters: Well what do we do now? Jimmy: Should I try telling him a fa-fantastic joke? Kyle: No. We just have to show him that there's other girls out there. I say we take him to Raisins. Butters: What's Raisins? Scene Description: Next day, Raisins, a Hooters-like restaurant with al-fresco dining. The boys enter the restaurant, and a pretty little girl in a Raisins outfit walks up. Other girls walk around, all seem to work there Blonde: Hey guys, welcome to Raisins. Six of you? [smiles and grabs some menus from the counter] Right over here. [leads the boys to their table] Redhead: [waits at a table] So you guys having a good time today? Diners: [Table 1, say, enthralled] Uh huh... Blonde 2: [waits at the next table] How about some more fun fries, guys? Diners: [Table 2, enthralled] Okay... [the waitress at the other end of the table smiles] Brunette: [at the same table] Boy, am I glad you guys came in. Everyone here is such a loser, but you guys seem really cool. Blonde: [leaving them at their table] Here you go, guys. Lexus will be right with you. Kyle: What do you think, Stan. These girls are pretty cute, huh? Jimmy: Jesus Christ, I think I've died and... gone to... heaven. Butters: This place is awesome! Cartman: How do you know? We haven't even tried the food yet. Lexus: [with flyaway light brown hair] Hey guys. Butters: Whoa! Lexus: How are we doing this afternoon? The boys: Good. Lexus: I'm so glad you guys came in. Everyone here is such a loser, but you guys seem really cool. Butters: [amazed] W-we are. Lexus: So what can I get you? Cartman: Okay, um, we're gonna get the zingy tangy wings, and mozzarella tasty tarts [Lexus winks at Butters] and uh, OH, and the bite-size pizzazzas, and a pitcher of lemonade. Lexus: Great. I'll put your order in right now. [strokes Butters' shoulders, which sends shivers of excitement through his body] Butters: You guys! I think our Raisins girl likes me. She, she touched my back when she walked away. Did you see that? Lexus: [near the kitchen] Raisins, girls! [sends an order along a conveyor to the kitchen staff] Blonde 3: Woohoo! Redhead: Oh Yeah! Brunette 2: [farther away] Do it! Kyle: Hey. Hey, look over there, Stan. That Raisins girl is really cute, huh? [a Raisins girl walks by with long black hair] Why don't you say hi to her? [calls out] Excuse me? [motions for her to come over] Brunette 3: [walks back and to the table] Hi guys. My name's Porsche. Kyle: Hey. Uh, this is Stan. Porsche: Oh hey cutie. How are you? I love your hat. I used to have a hat juuust like that, except, it was black and it didn't have a puffball on it. Oh my God, my hands are sooo cold. How come people have hands, anyway? Did you ever wonder that? [Stan looks more and more miserable with every word coming out of her mouth.] Scene Description: Some time later, still dining. The Village People's "YMCA" begins to play, and some Raisins girls begin to dance Raisins girls: YMCA... [they make the hand signs for the letters. The rest of the diners look over at them and cheer them on] YMCA-A. Cartman: [really stuffed, with a soiled face] Omigod! You guys... this is the greatest place in the world... [their meals have been served] Porsche: [still regaling Stan, who hasn't touched his food] Have you ever noticed how much sand there is at the beach? I mean, haven't you ever wondered where all this sand came from? Omigod, this one time, I saw a beetle that was thiiis big. Eeewww! Stan: Can we go, please? Kyle: Okay. Okay, come on you guys. [they all hop off their seats and walk off] Porsche: Oooh my God, thank you guys sooo much for coming to Raisins! [Butters is last to leave] Lexus: [sees him and stalls him] Oooh, sweetie, are you leaving? Butters: Well, I don't want to, Lexus, but my stupid friends wanna go. Lexus: Awww, well, when am I gonna get to see you again?? Butters: When do you wanna see me? Lexus: [holds on to him] As soon as possible! Butters: Oh my God! Here, we left you a tip already, but here is another five dollars. [hands her the bill] Lexus: Oooh, you are such a sweetie. Come here, youuu! [comes around and gives him a full embrace and hugs him] Butters: [hugs her back] Waa... ahaaah... [the other boys arrive at the entrance] Raisins girl: Bye, guys! Thanks for coming to Raisins! Jimmy: Well, Stan. Do you feel, uhb- better now? Stan: No, dude, I feel worse! Kyle: Look, we're just trying to show you there's other girls out there. Stan: Dude, I don't have time to start over with other girls. I'm nine years old, dude! If I don't work things out with Wendy, I could be alone my whole life! Butters: [catches up to the other boys] She wants to see me again! My Raisins girl said she wants to see me again! Stan: I can't let Wendy go. This whole time I've been having my friends do all the talking for me. It's time I took control! [turns and opens one of the doors] Kyle: What are you doing? Stan: Something I should have done a long time ago. [walks out the door and into the night] Scene Description: Bebe's house, night. Stan walks towards the front door, looks around, and knocks three times. No response, so he knocks again. The door opens and Bebe appears Stan: Bebe, you need to go talk to Wendy for me right now! [Bebe rolls her eyes and sighs] All this time I've been trying to have my friends do all the talking for me! Now I realize I need her friends to do it! Tell her I love her! Bebe: Stan, why don't you show her you love her? If you really want Wendy back, try doing the most romantic thing you can think of. Stan: [thinks] Okay, so what's the most romantic thing I can think of? Bebe: If you really want a shot at getting her back, stand outside her window, hold a boombox over your head, and play [closes her eyes] Peter Gabriel. Scene Description: Wendy's house, night. Stan stands on the lawn with a boombox, looking up at Wendy's window. He presses the play button and holds up the boombox. Peter Gabriel's "Shock the Monkey" plays from somewhere in the middle. Wendy appears at the window and looks down, her jaw dropping. Stan holds the boombox higher, keeping Wendy's gaze on him. Wendy covers her mouth as Token appears next to her at the window. Stan's jaw drops. Wendy leaves the window. Token unleashes the curtain ties, and the curtains close upon the window Scene Description: Raisins, night, outside. The outside lights turn off. Butters waits outside on the curb with a present. The front door opens and Lexus appears. Butters rises to greet her Lexus: Okay, Porsche, see you tomorrow. Bye, Mercedes. Butters: [approaches] Lexus! [she takes a few steps back] Lexus: Oh. Oh, hi, sweetie. Butters: I waited all night for you to get off work. Lexus: Oh, really? [takes a few more steps back] Huhunh, that's great. Uhm, Maury... Butters: I I just could- I just couldn't stop thinking about you. Maury: [a huge bouncer] There a problem? Lexus: Could you uh just help walk me to my- bike? Maury: Right. [steps up behind her and shoves Butters aside. He keeps his arm in place so Butters doesn't get any closer to Lexus] Lexus: [to Butters] Thanks again for the big tip. You are such a sweetie. Come back and see me real soon, okay? [moves forward, with Maury close behind] Butters: Oh wait, Lexus. Jeheez, I almost forgot. Ah I got you this present. Lexus: [stops and grabs it] Oh wow. Thanks, cutie. Butters: It's a little stuffed bear dressed as a rabbit. [tries to get closer, but Maury holds him back] Lexus: Gosh, that's the nicest gift I've gotten all night. Thank you. [reaches her bike] Well I gotta go, honey. Be sure to come back to Raisins and see me again, okaaay? [unlocks her bike from its post] Butters: [tries to get closer, but Maury him back] Well yeah, but, but, hey, [tries to get closer, but Maury him back] hey Lexus? Well I was thinking, well, I was thinking that we should- go do something sometime. Lexus: Oh gee, that would be great, honey, but I'm reeeally busy this week. Tell you what: you come back to Raisins and then we'll be able to hang out all we want, okay? [Maury helps her on to her bike] Butters: O-kay! Lexus: Bye, cutie! Butters: Bye, bye darling! [Maury turns and goes back to the restaurant. Butters holds his hands over his heart] Wow... a real-life relationship. Scene Description: [South Park Elementary, day. All the boys are in various stages of dress. Most of them are in their P.E. uniforms.] Mr. Garrison: [sternly] All right, kids! Out on the gym floor for P.E. class. [the boys break up and head to their lockers. Stan remains on a bench on his back, alone, with just a towel and his hat on] Kyle: [returns] Come on, Stan. We're gonna play dodgeball. Stan: [with emotion in his voice] I can't believe it. She's in love with somebody else. Kyle: Dude, you need to snap out of this! So Wendy left you for Token. What are you gonna do? Just be miserable your whole life? Stan: There's nothing else I can do. She was my whole life. Kyle: Aw, come on, dude! All you've done for the last four days is mope around! You might as well hang out with those Goth kids who dress in black and talk about pain all the time! Stan: Maybe I should. At least they will understand me. Maybe I should hang with the Goth kids. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, loading bay. Stan finds the goth kids. Pete: [with black puffy, feathery hair, streaked in red] Life is pain. Life is only pain. [his hair falls over his right eye, he jerks his head back to put it back in place] We're all taught to believe in happy fairytale endings. [his hair falls over his eye, he jerks his head back] But there's only blackness. Dark, depressing loneliness that [his hair falls over his eye, he jerks his head back] eats at your soul. Michael: [dressed in something like a tuxedo, sporting a curly pompadour] Who needs that kind of Barbie love, anyway? Everyone's just walking around like a bunch of conformists. Go ahead and wear your business suits so you can make thirty-four thousand dollars a year to buy your condominium. They're all zombies racing to their graves. Love didn't work for my mom and dad. Why should it work for me? Henrietta: My dad is such an asshole. Drunken bastard doesn't even know I exist. But then he won't let me go to the Skinny Puppy concert because my heroine-addict aunt is coming over for dinner. [takes a puff] Dinner? That's a laugh. Just an excuse for my mom to bitch at me for not wearing girly clothes like all the Britney Spears wannabes at this school. Firkle: They're all a bunch of Nazi conformists cheerleaders. [Stan looks stunned at the age of this youngest of Goths] Stan: But if life is only pain, then... what's the point of living? Pete: Just to make life more miserable for the conformists. [his hair falls over his eye, he jerks his head back] Stan: All right, so how do I join you? Michael: If you wanna be one of the non-conformists, all you have to do is dress just like us and listen to the same music we do. Stan: ...'K. Scene Description: Raisins, day. Raisins is preparing for a new day of food and fun. Mercedes escorts a new employee around Mercedes: Okay, I know it's your first day, Ferrari, so I wanna go over the basics with you. Ferrari: Okay. Mercedes: First of all, there's a five foot rule. If you come within five feet of a customer, you need to acknowledge them, even if they're not at your table. "Hey, cutie." [waves and winks] When you're not serving food or talking with customers, you need to dance around and have fun. [they stop by a wooden bucket] We use things like Hula Hoops, silly strings, and water guns to play with the other girls. Be sure to giggle a lot, and be sure to show off your raisins. [they leave the bucket] Now, when you take a customer's order, you need to sit down at the table with them and make them think you're interested. Write your name down for them and make them feel special. "Oh man, I am so bored. Thank God you guys came in." If you want good tips, the most important thing is physical contact. Just a simple hold of the arm can mean the difference between five and twenty dollars. "I'll be right back with your order, guys." [holds Ferrari's shoulder] Ferrari: Wow, thank you so much, Mercedes. Mercedes: Okay. Well, I guess we're ready to open for business. Good luck. [Ferrari walks off] Go ahead and open for business, Porsche! Porsche: Okay! [opens the doors and Butters bolts in, quite excitedly] Raisins girl: Hi, welcome to Raisins! Butters: Hi! Is Lexus here? Lexus: Hey, cutie. Butters: Darling! Lexus: [hugs him] How are we doing today? Butters: [hugs back] Oh God. I missed you so much. Scene Description: Henrietta's room. It's quite the room, with posters for Skippy Puppy and the Nothing Matters tour, a Blauhaus poster, candles all around, a mace on the floor, cigarettes next to a book, an ornate candelabrum and chair, and a darkened atmosphere. Henrietta: [Reciting her poem] Shallow life. Drowning alone, I gasp for air. Coldness creeps over pale skin. There is sadness so deep it pulls me down Happiness dies in a deep, dark sea. Pete: Yeah, happiness dies. [his hair falls over his eye, he jerks his head back] Stan: [dressed all in black, with a black hat with puffball] Yeah. Michael: All right, your turn, Stan. Read one of your poems about pain. Stan: [takes up his paper and reads his poem] There is darkness all around me Deep, piercing black, I cannot breathe My heart has been raped. Henrietta: Whoa. Stan: [continues] The pain is everlasting. I miss you so much, babe. Want to hold you in my arms again, girl. Want to- Pete: Whoa, whoa! Dude! Those last two lines aren't Goth! Stan: They're not? Michael: No, dude! You can't say "I miss you so much, babe. I want to hold you in my arms." Henrietta: Make it "I miss seeing you so much I wanna slash my eyes out with razor blades." Henrietta's mom: [the bedroom door opens and a blindingly invasive amount of light comes in, she looks inside] Henrietta! Hi sweetie! Henrietta: Go away Mom! Leave me alone! Henrietta's mom: Daddy and I just got your birthday present! But you can't see what it is till tomorrow! Henrietta: You'd like to wait till I was dead, wouldn't you? You'd like to see maggots eat my face. Henrietta's mom: Ee-you are so creative, honey. Henrietta: Conformist bitch. Other Goths: Yeah. Scene Description: Raisins, day. Two of the Raisins girls are entertaining the child customers, who respond enthusiastically. The phone rings and Porsche arrives to answer it. Porsche: Thanks for calling Raisins. This is Porsche. Have you tried our Double Whammy Wings? Butters: [seated on his bed in his room. A picture of Lexus is taped to his wall next to the window. The action switches back and forth] Hi. Is Lexus there, please? This is her boyfriend. [Lexus happens to walk by, and Porsche hands her the phone.] Lexus: Thanks for calling Raisins. This is Lexus. Butters: Hey Lexus. Lexus: Hi, sweetie! Who's this? Butters: Wuh it's me, Butters. Lexus: Oh, okay. Hi, cutie. [keeps an eye out for passing customers. Three boys walk by and she covers the phone's receiver] Hey sweetie. [lifts her hand from the receiver] So how are you, honey? Butters: I'm fine. I miss you though. [lays on his back, getting comfortable] Yeah, school was pretty tough today. We had two quizzes, and one of them was a pop quiz. [shot of Lexus pouring lemonade into a pitcher] Sometimes I think our classes are too hard. [back to Butters' room] But I thought about you all day long. I promise. So how is your day going? Lexus: Good, good. Butters: Hey, hey sweetie, I was thinking tonight you could come over and we could watch The Exorcist on DVD. Lexus: Oh, gee, I don't know, cutie. [another Raisins girl comes with glasses to refill, Lexus ] Why don't you just come down to Raisins? Butters: Oh well, uh I kinda don't have any money left. Unh, I spent it all on Raisins the last six times. Lexus: [waving to customers] Awww, that's too bad, cutie. I really wanna see you. Butters: Oh, I really wanna see you too, baby. Eh don't, don't worry. I'll get more money Lexus: [walks to the phone's base to end the conversation] 'K sugar. Gotta run. Butters: Uh-okay. Uh, hey, Lexus, well, there's something I've been meaning to say. [Lexus has hung up and is walking away with her pitcher] Here it goes: Lexus, I- Oh jeeze, maybe I shouldn't say it- no wait, I want to say it. I love you. [hangs up quickly and nervously] Heeheee, heh, Oh my God. Scene Description: Butters' house, living room. Butters arrives there moments later and faces the couch Butters: Dad, I need an advance on my allowance again. Stephen: O-hoo no Butters! You got an advance two days ago. [Linda is dusting off the family portrait by the front door.] Butters: Uh but I spent it all. Linda: What are you spending all that money on, Butters? Butters: On my girlfriend. Stephen: [he and Linda are surprised] Girlfriend? Linda: You... have a girlfriend, Butters? Butters: [bashfully, puts his hands behind his back] Yeah. Chris: And she's... a... girl, right? Butters: Yup! Chris: Well all right! Good for you, Butters! Linda: Oh, that is so cute. When do we get to meet her? Butters: Well, I was hopin' to go see her right now. You can come alone. [holds a cautionary finger] But don't embarrass me or nothin'. [lowers it] I'm sure she'll be real nervous to impress you. Stephen: Don't worry, Butters. We just wanna say hi and then we'll leave you two alone. Butters: Okay. [walks off] Stephen: [holds out his hand] You see? I told you he wouldn't turn out gay. Linda: [hands him a bill] All right, you win. Scene Description: Benny's, night. "We're always open." The Goth kids are seated at a booth drinking coffee. A middle-aged waitress walks by with a pot of coffee Michael: Hey, can we get more coffee over here? Waitress: Damn it, are you kids just gonna sit here all night again and drink six dollars' work of coffee?! Why don't you get a life?! [walks away] Michael: [bitterly] Conformist. Have fun in your rat-race life, living paycheck to paycheck for corporate gains. Other Goths: Yeah. Pete: [to Stan] Dude, you haven't drank your coffee. [his hair falls over his face, he jerks his head back] Stan: Well I don't drink coffee. Pete: You can't be a non-conformist if you don't drink coffee. [Stan picks up his mug and drinks. Kyle enters the restaurant and approaches Stan's booth] Kyle: Oh Jesus Christ, I had to see it to believe it! What the hell are you doing?! Stan: [sips some coffee] Breathing deep in darkness that envelops my soul. [sips some coffee. Pete jerks his hair back into place] Kyle: God-damnit dude, your mom and dad want you to come home! Stan: So they can fill my head with more Disney lies about how perfect the world is? I don't think so. Pete: Yeah. Why don't you just go back to your Justin Timberlake and your homework, you conformist asshole? [jerks his hair back into place] You just don't know what real pain is. Kyle: Oh, like you know what pain is! Go try living in a Third-World country, you little pussy! Pete: I'm not gonna live in a Third-World country with all the conformists. Kyle: Stan, this is it. Time to stop feeling sorry for yourself and come home! Everyone cares about you and everyone wants you back! Stan: What about Wendy? Isn't she still with Token? Kyle: Yeah. She is. Stan: Then people shouldn't care about me-ehhh. Because I don't care about them. What's the point of caring if all it brings is pain? Henrietta: For sure. Kyle: [walks away, defeated] Fine. That's it. I give up. Have fun being miserable. Stan: [sips some coffee] ...conformist. Other Goths: Yeah. Scene Description: Raisins, night. Butters and his parents arrive. Butters: Here we are, Mom and Dad! [they enter, but his parents are immediately troubled by the setting] Mercedes: Hi, welcome to Raisins. Three of you? Butters: Hi, Mercedes. It's me, Lexus's boyfriend. I brought my parents over to meet her. Mercedes: Great. [gets some menus] Be sure to try our Cheddar Poppers. Right this way. [leads them to a table] Raisins girl: Who else wants a signed Raisins Girls calendar for five dollars? [the table she approaches cheers] Diners: Woohoo, all right, yeah! [the Stotches look around, amazed] Linda: Stephen, what is this place? Stephen: I, don't know. Mercedes: [stops at a table] Here you go. Porsche will by right with you. [walks off] Butters: Go ahead and have a seat, guys. Ah I've gotta go and find Lexus! [runs off. Stephen and Linda take their seats] Raisins girl: [blonde, to a boy at a table nearby] Hey cutie, you having a good time? Boy: Yeah. Stephen: Oh boy, I think I know what's happened. Our son hasn't learned yet that girls will pretend to like him for money. Linda: [holds her hands together] This place is horrible. To objectify girls like this. Porsche: [arrives] Hi guys. Can I take your order? Linda: Little girl, you shouldn't be working here. Porsche: I shouldn't? Where I supposed to be working? Linda: No, I mean you shouldn't work somewhere where you're paid for how you look. You should be learning a skill so you can grow up to be a businesswoman or even a doctor. Who knows? You could cure cancer. Porsche: I could cure cancer? Oh-my-god! That would be sooo cool! I had a cancer sore on my lip once and it hurt sooo bad. Linda: ... Oh. Never mind, I think Raisins might be the perfect place for you. Porsche: Cool! [grins and hops off the stool, then carries it off. Butters arrives with Lexus, who carries a plate of chips] Butters: Mom? Dad? This is Lexus. Lexus: Hi. Welcome to Raisins. Stephen: Uh, Butters, can we have a little talk with you? Outside? Butters: Huh? Oh anything you have to say to me [holds on to Lexus] you can say in front of Lexus. Linda: Butters, these girls pretend to be interested in you because they know you'll give them tips. Butters: Huh? Stephen: You see, Butters, women know that they can make men do anything by flirting. And some girls, like these, turn that into a profession. Butters: Oh, I see. [gets angry] You don't approve of my girlfriend! [Lexus looks off and smiles at somebody] Well let me tell you somethin', Mom and Dad, our love is as pure as a mountain spring! The odds may be stacked against us, but we're gonna give it our best shot! And so, if you can't be happy for us, y-you can just go to heck, Mom and Dad! [walks away from the table with Lexus] Come on, Lexus. I'm movin' out of my parents' house and I'm movin' in with you. Uh let's blow this joint! Lexus: What are you talking about, kid? We are NOT boyfriend and girlfriend. Butters: ... What? Lexus, what are you saying? Are you saying... you don't want to be together anymore? Lexus: I'm sorry, sweetie. Yes. Butters: So that's it? We're broken up now? Lexus: I gotta go, i gotta get these curly fries to Table 12. [walks off] Butters: Well go ahead and go. It's best we don't say anything more. There's nothing left to say. It's over. [walks off dejected] Our relationship is o-over. Scene Description: Stan did, at the curb under a working street light. Some shadows move in on him and stop when they cover most of his head Michael: Look at that. Another tortured soul. Pete: Another life of pain. [Butters looks up to see the Goths. Stan isn't shown yet.] Michael: Hey Raven, check it out. [Stan, now named Raven, enters the picture] Stan: Butters? Butters: Oh [sniff, wipes away his tears] Uh hey, hey Stan. Stan: What's the matter with you? Butters: [sobbing] Well, mu mu mu girlfriend broke up with me. Henrietta: Did she step on your heart with stiletto heels? Butters: Yeah. [sniff] It sure does hurt. Michael: That's cool. I guess you can join up with us if you want. Pete: Yeah. We're gonna go to the graveyard and write poems about death and how pointless life is. Butters: Uh, uhm no thanks. I I love life. Stan: Huh? But you just got dumped. Butters: Wuh-ell yeah, and I'm sad, but at the same time I'm really happy that somethin' could make me feel that sad. It's like, [sobs] it makes me feel alive, you know? It makes me feel human. And the only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt somethin' really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good, so I guess what I'm feelin' is like a, beautiful sadness. I guess that sounds stupid... Pete: Yeah. Stan: No. No, Butters, that doesn't sound stupid at all. Butters: Well, thanks for offerin' to let me in your clique, guys, uh but, to be honest, I'd rather be a cryin' little pussy than a faggy Goth kid. Well see ya, Stan. [walks off] Stan: He's right. I don't even know who I am anymore. I like liking life a whole lot more than hating it. As Cartman would you say, Screw you guys, I'm goin' home. [walks off] Michael: Go ahead and go back to your sunshine fairytale! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, playground. The school kids are back at play. The same two teams face off, except that Bill has replaced Token on Stan's team, and Stan hasn't arrived yet. Kyle: [prepares to receive the football] Okay, it's third down. And now, somebody make a play! Stan: [arrives] Hey, can I join in? [the other boys turn around] Kyle: What happened? Aren't you still wallowing in pain? Stan: Yeah, it still hurts a lot, but ...I just realized that there's gonna be a lot of painful times in life, so, I'd better learn to deal with it the right way. [Token and Wendy walk by at this point] Hey Wendy! [Token and Wendy look] You're a bitch,.. Token? [flips him off] Right here, buddy. [Token and Wendy walk off, insulted] Kyle: Well. Dude, it's uh it's good to have you back. Stan: Yeah. Let's play ball.

Scene Description: Kyle's house, night. "Happy Chanukah" The Broflovski family sings as Gerald lights the first candle on the Chanukah menorah. The Broflovskis: Chanukah, Chanukah, sivivon, sov, sov Ike: I gotta go tinkle. Kyle: No Ike! Shh! The Broflovskis: [while Ike and Kyle talk] Sov, sov, sov! Sov, sov, sov! Ma nayim vi-tov. Gerald: We thank God for our blessings this Chanukah. Our little family is so loving, and perfect, and nothing will ever tear us apart. [the doorbell rings] I'll get it. [goes to answer the door. A Canadian couple stands at the entrance] Man: Gerald Broflovski? Gerald: Yes? Man: My name is Harry Gintz and this is my wife Elise. We're from Canada. Gerald: Yes, I can tell. Harry: My wife and I had a child a few years back, and, we weren't ready to have a child, so we put him up for adoption. [Kyle and Ike come into view] We were told that you might be the- Elise: Peter! [rushes in] Oh God, Harry! It's our son! [approaches and kneels. Ike hides behind Kyle] Peter, it's Mommy. Sheila: Gerald, what the hell is going on? Gerald: I'm not sure. Scene Description: Moments later, both couples are at the dining room table. Harry: It was a tough time for us. It was a tough time for all of Canada. The whole country was devastated by the cola wars. It just seemed we couldn't take care of a baby. Elise: So we put him up for adoption. But as the years passed, I, I just felt an emptiness in my heart. [Kyle eavesdrops on the conversation, with Ike at his side] Oh it's so good to see him. Sheila: Well we wish you all the best, Mr. and Mrs. Gintz, but to be honest, I think it would be best for Ike if you didn't come around again. Elise: I don't think you understand. We didn't come to visit Peter, we came to take him back. Gerald: What? Harry: We want to take Peter home, to Canada. Sheila: Are you crazy?! Gerald: Look, you gave Ike up. You can't just change your mind. Harry: Changing your mind is a Canadian custom that we hold quite dear. And besides, the new Canadian Prime Minister has issued a decree that all adopted Canadians must be returned home. Sheila: The new Canadian Prime Minister? Gerald: Look, Ike is our son now! Harry: He doesn't belong here. He belongs in Canada with his own kind. Sheila: I think you'd better leave. Harry: Please, don't make things any harder for Peter. Gerald: Harder for Peter?! Now you two just blow in here and say you're gonna haul him back to Canada, and we're being hard on Peter?! Harry: We're prepared to go to court! We had hoped it wouldn't come to that! Gerald: Well you bet your ass it'll come to that! Scene Description: Park County courtroom, day. Judge: I'm sorry to say that my hands are tied. The new Prime Minister of Canada has authority this court cannot override. By Canadian law I must award custody of the child to his birth parents. The Gintzes: Yes! Elise: Yes! Sheila: No! Kyle: [frightened] Ike's not my little brother anymore? Sheila: Gerald, do something! Gerald: There's nothing I can do. Scene Description: Kyle's house, day. Sheila cries as Gerald sends Ike off. Gerald: Good-bye, Ike. You... [wipes a tear from his eyes] be a good boy, huh? You... remember all the things we taught you. [kisses Ike on the head and steps back to console Sheila. Kyle steps forward.] Kyle: Ike, you'll always be my little brother, okay? Harry: Come on, Peter, we should get going. Ike: [holds onto Kyle] No! Elise: Peter, you must come with Mommy and Daddy. Ike: No no no no no! Harry: [whips out a chocolate bar] I have some chocolate. Ike: Chocolate! [rushes for the candy, and Harry settles him inside the car] Harry: We're going to take good care of him. Kyle: You'd better! [Harry closes the car door and goes to his side, then settles in to drive. The car lunges forward on square wheels. Kyle looks as Ike goes away. Ike looks back] Dad, can't we talk to this new Canadian Prime Minister? If he knew the situation, he might be- Gerald: Oh! Kyle, appealing to the Prime Minister of Canada would take... time and money we don't have. Scene Description: Luau's Toys, night. It's dressed for Christmas. Stan, Cartman, and Kenny look inside the shop through the window. Cartman: Dude, look at that. Sprinkle Time Make Your Own Marshmallow Factory. I'm definitely asking for that for Christmas. Stan: Dude, I'm gonna tell my parents to get me that John Elway doll with the karate-chop action. Kyle: Guys. [the other boys turn to face him] Guys, I need your help. Stan: Sure dude. Kyle: It's been a week since Ike's been gone, and every day my parents seem worse. I have to try to go to Canada and speak with the new Canadian Prime Minister, but I can't do it alone. Cartman: We can't go to Canada, dumbass! It's Christmas! Stan: Yeah, dude. What if we miss out on some great Christmas adventure? Kyle: Please, you guys, you don't understand. [walks off some distance] My family is devastated. My mom just walks around the house like a zombie, and my dad can't stop crying. Cartman: Well, I didn't wanna say anything, Kyle, but I think this is what your family gets for being Jewish at Christmas time. Stan: Dude, Cartman. Cartman: I'm just saying, maybe Jesus is having a little revenge, that's all. Kyle: [returns] I found the number for a really cheap airline to Canada. If we go as soon as possible, then- Stan: Dude, we just can't up and go to Canada. Look, they're about to light the Christmas tree. Maybe you can get your brother back some other way. [he, Cartman and Kenny leave. Cartman stops and returns] Cartman: Kyle, I just want you to know, if it were any other time of the year, I still wouldn't help you. [walks off in the direction of the other boys. Kyle walks off sadly in the other direction] Scene Description: South Park City Hall, night. The town Christmas tree is up, City Hall is decked out in Christmas decorations. Crowd: Three! Two! One! [The lights to the Christmas tree are plugged in] Yaaaaay! Mayor McDaniels: As we celebrate this glorious time, we can't forget those families who are suffering. As many of you know, the Broflovski family has recently had their child torn away from them. As a community, we must do all we can to ease their pain. Are there any suggestions how we might help? Mr. Garrison: How about, we get rid of all the Mexicans? [a few seconds of silence] Mayor McDaniels: Mr. Garrison, every Christmas you suggest we get rid of all the Mexicans, and every Christmas we tell you "NO!" Mr. Garrison: Rats! Chef: The Broflovskis need money to appeal that case to the new Canadian Prime Minister. What if this Christmas, instead of buyin' presents, we all use that money to give to the Broflovskis? Cartman: HA! Yeah, right! Like our parents aren't gonna buy us presents for Christmas! Liane: That's a great idea, Chef. Cartman: What? Randy: Yeah. Who needs more stuff, anyway? This Christmas we can do somethin' that really matters! Stan: [trying to rein in his dad's enthusiasm] Dad, don't get carried away. Mayor McDaniels: Then it's settled: This year we'll give all our Christmas money to the Broflovskis, in hopes that they may someday have their child returned to them. [the crowd cheers and disperses] Cartman: No! No, this can't be happening! [Kenny, Heidi and Clyde remain there as well. Clyde begins to cry.] Scene Description: Kyle walks down the street still depressed. Cartman bounds in before him. Cartman: You fucking asshole!! This is all your fault!! Kyle: What? Cartman: Everyone's gonna be charitable and give money to your family instead of buying Christmas presents!! [Stan and Kenny walk in behind him] You fucking Jews ruined Christmas again!! [lunges after Kyle] AAAAAA!! [Stan and Kenny jump in and hold him back] Stan: Whoa whoa, Cartman. Cartman: It wasn't enough for you people to kill Jesus, now you have to kill Christmas too, huh?! Stan: Cartman, calm down! Kyle: [to Stan] Is that true? Stan: It's true, dude. Christmas is ruined. Cartman: [takes off his mittens and coat] This is it, Kyle. You and me. We're throwin' down. Right now. Kyle: I'm sorry you guys, but there is something we can do. We can go to Canada and see the Prime Minister like I said. If we can change his mind before Christmas, then your parents won't have to give my family money. Cartman: You really think if we go to Canada we might still get Christmas presents? Kyle: It's worth a shot. Come on, you guys, we can do this. Stan: Oh all right, but we'd better not miss out on great Christmas adventures. Kyle: [reassuring] We'll get back in time for a Christmas adventure. Cartman: Fine. But if it doesn't work, you and me are gonna have it out, Kyle. Once and for all. Scene Description: City Wok, night. "Christmas Special: Chinese Food For The Holidays" Mr. Kim sits at one of his tables with nothing to do. Mr. Kim: No business... Christmas time come and nobody wanna eat Chinese food. Looks like I might as well close. [a phone rings. He perks up and runs to get it] Oh boy! Some business! [puts on his chef hat and grabs a notepad] Finally! [grabs the phone and waits for the order] Herro? Shitty Wok, take ur orda prease! Kyle: Uh, I must have the wrong number. We were trying to reach City Airlines. Mr. Kim: Oh, oh yes, just a moment prease. [flips a sign over so it now reads "City Airlines" and switches to a captain's hat] Herro, Shitty Airrines. Can I help you take ur orda prease? Kyle: Uh, we need to go to Canada. As soon as possible. Mr. Kim: Oooh, Canada. Okay, that's uh pretty far. Gonna cost ya a lot of money... hmm let's see. How many people? Kyle: Four. Mr. Kim: Okay. Four people, Canada, cost a lot of money, that uh gonna be about ah six thousand five hundred dolla. Kyle: How about fifty daura? Mr. Kim: Fifty daura?! You flight to Canada cost at least three thousand dollar! Kyle: Fifty-five daura. Mr. Kim: Hey! Stop wasting my time with fifty-five daura! No way I take my plane to Canada for less than a thousand daura! Kyle: Okay. Sixty daura. Mr. Kim: Sixty-two daura. Kyle: Okay. Mr. Kim: Okay. Meet me Park County Airfield, yellow Cessna, tail number 432G. Kyle: Got it. [hangs up] Mr. Kim: [hangs up, then giggles] Hehehehe, never try to barter with a Chinese man. Scene Description: Park County Airfield, night. A plane comes in for a landing in the background as the boys approach the yellow Cessna. Cartman: We have exactly fifty-two hours before Christmas. [this sets it at 8 p.m. December 22] That means we have to be back in twenty-eight hours to still give our patents twenty-four hours to buy us presents. Synchronize watches on my mark. Mark. Mr. Kim: Herro, welcome Shitty Airrine. [Stan and Kyle move ahead. Kenny stays with Cartman] Cartman: [shakes his head vigorously] Oh no, no no nono, I am NOT flying in that thing! Kenny: (Me neither!) Kyle: Why not? Kenny: ('Cause, dude, I'll fuckin' die!) Kyle: You're not gonna die, Kenny. Don't be stupid. Cartman: You guys go get Ike. Kenny and I will stay here and watch the fort. Stan: No, you're both coming. Do you care about Christmas or not? Cartman: Of course I care about Christmas- oh, Christ on a stick! [he and Kenny head for the plane] Scene Description: Cessna 432G, inside. Cartman: Aw dude, it smells like Kung Pao chicken in here! Mr. Kim: Okay, welcome aboard Shitty Airrines. This is your captain speaking. Looking about a two hour fright. I'll be turning on the seatbelt sign now. If your seats have seatbelts, this is the time you will fasten them. Please sit back, relax, and enjoy your Shitty fright. [he turns off the intercom and takes flight after a small bump.] Kyle: All right! We're going to Canada! Cartman: Weak. Scene Description: Cessna 432G, day. The flight has taken longer than two hours. The boys are sleeping in their seats - and so is Mr. Kim. The plane begins to hit turbulence and lose power. Mr. Kim: Hey, turn off the right. ...Wha- oh! [a sudden noisy dip awakens the boys] Stan: What's going on?? Mr. Kim: Herro from the cockpit, this is your captain speaking. As you can see, it appears that we are goin' down. Now would be a good time to reflect on your rife, and pray to whatever deity you believe in. Thank you for flying Shitty Airlines. We know you have a choice in airlines, and it looks like you made the wrong one. [quickly puts on a parachute and opens his door to drop away] Kyle: Hey, where the hell are you going?? [Mr. Kim jumps out and away. A few seconds later he pulls the rip cord and the parachute comes out] Stan: Do something, Kyle! [Kyle grabs the controls and tries to steer the plane] Kyle: I'm trying! [the plane bounces around in the air] Cartman: Look out! Kenny: (N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!) [the plane makes a steep descent and crashes onto the ground. It flips over and crumples up, resting near a town. The boys scramble out of the rubble and walk into the town] Scene Description: Now begins the "Wizard of Oz" sequence. The boys look around in wonder. A pair of legs is seen at a bench, but no head is shown. Stan: You guys, I don't think we're in America anymore. [As they look in one direction, four Canadians pop up from some bushes and look at them. They drop back into the bushes before the boys turn back around] Canadian man: Excuse me? [a head pops up over the legs at the bench] Uh, is this an invasion? Kyle: No. Canadian man: [a doctor, it seems] Oh thank heavens! It's okay. Everyone, it's not an invasion! [people come out of their hiding places. A man pops up out of a manhole mumbling something as the others mill around] Kyle: Hey! We're in Canada! Doctor: Well of course you are! And Canada Friends welcomes you! Canadians: Welcome, friend, to Canada! Canada Friends loves you!We're just like any other country without the big tattoo! Sailor: [walks up] We greet thee with pleasure, but one question, if we may? Businessman: [walks up and joins him] What brings you folks to Canada? Why are you here today? Kyle: Uh. My adopted brother got taken back here to Canada? So, we want to talk to the new Canadian Prime Minister about getting him back? Canadians: His brother is our quest. The question is, is what? You must talk to the new Prime Minister if you think his brother's home's back there. Cartman: Oh Jesus Christ. Scott: [shows up] Hey! What the hell is going on?! Canadians: It's Scott! AAAAHHHH! [they all take off in different directions] Scott: Who damaged our beloved Canadian land?! Kyle: Who's that? Doctor: That's Scott! He's a dick Scott: [fixes his gaze on the boys and approaches] A-ha! Americans! I should've known! You think you're the police of the world! You think you own Canada! Well, you aren't welcome here! Get out now! Doctor: Oh no you don't, Scott! Leave these boys alone! Scott: This isn't over, you American scum! I swear to God: you'll rue this day!! [walks off] Man in barrel: God, what a dick! Kyle: Look, we don't have a lot of time here, okay? Can you just tell us where the new Prime Minister is? Doctor: The new Prime Minister doesn't live in this part of Canada. He's in Ottawa. [the other Canadians concur] Kyle: So how do we get to Ottawa? Wrestler: Oh that's easy. You just have to follow the road. Cartman: Which road?! Firefighter: This is Canada. We only have one road. [he moves to one side and the crowd splits in two to allow the boys through] Priest: Follow the only road. Man: Follow the only road. Canadians: To go anywhere in Canada, you just follow the only road. There's only one road in Canada. We call it the Road, the only road. Hip-hip, hooray, let's hear it for our Road. Road workers: And it's paved and wide and up to code. Stan: All right dude, let's get the hell out of here! Kyle: Word! Canadians: You're off to see the Prime Minister, the Prime Minister of Canada! Doctor: Good-bye, friends! Good luck with the new Prime Minister! And remember to watch out for Scott! He's a dick! Canadians: Good-bye, good-bye, see ya, good luck. Scene Description: The Road, day. Cartman: [checking his watch] Twenty hours until Christmas. Our parents still have time to buy us presents IF we hurry. [a mountie appears] Mountie: Ahoy there, travelers. Kyle: Who are you? Mountie: I am Rick, the proud Canadian Mountie. [he's shown riding a sheep] Sheep: Baaaah. Stan: I thought mounties were supposed to ride horses. Rick: [hangs his head a bit] Yes. Yes, we are. But our funding has been cut and now we're forced to ride... Sheep: Baaaah. Cartman: But if you don't mind, we're in a rush to see the new Prime Minister. Rick: You're going to see the new Prime Minister. Oh, I would so like to meet him myself. It's his strange new laws that took our horses away. Perhaps I will go with you. Kyle: That's okay, we'd rather just go by ourselves. Rick: Follow me this way! We're going to see the Prime Minister, the Prime Minister of Canada! Scott: [monitoring their progress over remote cameras] Power-hungry Americans! I'll fix you! Scene Description: Further down the Road, Rick and the boys pass through another town. Cartman: Oh Jesus, eighteen hours. We're running out of time! Rick: All right boys, prepare yourselves. We're about to enter... French Canada. Kyle: French Canada? French Canadians: [Before them, lots of French Canadians cavort like it is Euro Disney, with circus performers of all stripes doing what they do best.] There'z no Canada like French Canada, it'z za bezt Canada in ze land. Ze ozer Canada is hardly Canada. If you lived here for a day, you'd understand. Mime: Honh honh honnnh! Welcome to French Canada. Hockey player: We have everything your heart could desire. Trapezes. Trampolines. And lots and lots of cheese. Artist: [takes off his mustache] Would you like a moustache? Rick: Just stay calm, boys. French Canadians are a little... odd. [behind them, two of them walk by. One is dressed in blue and looks a bit like an alien. The other is dressed something like He-Man, with long flowing locks.] Stan: Ah, we're just passing through to see the new Prime Minister. Mime: Well first you must answer that phone. [makes his left hand into a phone receiver] Ring-ring. Ring-ring. Kyle: We don't have time for this. Mime: You cannot pass through French Canada unless you take zat phone call! [holds out his "phone"] Ring-ring. Ring-ring. [Kyle responds by make his right hand into a phone and answering] Kyle: Hello? Mime: Allo. If you are going to see za new Prime Minister, then I want to go with you. He has passed a new law forbidding us French Canadians to drink wine. Artist: [walks up to the boys] How can ze French not drink wine?? Travestie! Kyle: Okay, you can come with us. Mime: Honh honnnh! Very good! Let us make haste! French Canadians: [they escort the boys out and on their way with the Mime and the Mountie] There'z no Canada like French Canada, it'z za bezt Canada in ze land. And ze ozer Canada. Mime: Is a bullshit Canada French Canadians: If you lived here for a day, you'd understand. [the small group leaves the town behind] Mime: I think you'd understand. ...You understand. Scene Description: Newfoundland. The group arrives at a dark place. Rick: Oh my! This certainly is a desolate place! Mime: It reminds me of death and fear. Cartman: How much further to Ottawa?! Christmas is only twelve hours away. Rick: We must be very close now. Scott: [jumps out in front of them] Ey! What are you doing?! Rick: Waaaah! Mime: Oh no. It's Scott. Scott: What are you two doing helping these Americans?! Don't you know America thinks it owns Canada along with the rest of the world?! Rick: You're a dick, Scott! Scott: You're a dick! And by helping Americans, you're just as smelly as they are! Now I'm going to get you! Fisherman: [exits a house with a fish in his left hand and a pole in his right] Not so fast, Scott! Scott: Who the hell are you?! Fisherman: I'm Steve the Newfoudlander. And you're on Newfoundland property now! Get off before I have you arrested! Scott: Ugh! This isn't over! Not by a long shot! I'll fix you. I'll fix all of you!! [leaves in a huff. Steve draws closer to the group] Rick: Woo, that was a close call. Thank you, kind Newfie! Kyle: God-damnit, we need to get to the new Prime Minister! NOW! Steve: Oh yeah, the Prime Minister, eh? He sure has screwed up things for Newfoundland. Life just hasn't been the same since he made sodomy illegal. Mime: Well, come with us! Maybe you can ask him to take his sodomy ban away. Kyle: Can we just get going, please? Steve: Yeah, sure, except there's just one problem. Stan: What? Steve: You folks are goin' the wrong way. Stan: What?? But I thought there was one road in Canada. Steve: Yeah. And you all went the wrong direction on it. Rick: Ohh, that's right. Ottawa is that way. [points behind the group] Mime: Of course. Ottawa left, Newfoundland right! Stan: [grimacing] Oh no! Cartman: [glaring at Rick] How could you be so stupid! Kyle: There's no way we can go all the way back. We'll never make it now! Rick: It's okay, boys. The power is inside us to get to Ottawa! We can wish ourselves there! Mime: Ah yes, let's wish ourselves there. [the three Canadians close their eyes and wish real hard] Rick: [peeks with his left eye] Is it working? Cartman: Oh, God-damnit! Well I warned you Kyle! I told you if I missed Christmas we were gonna throw down! [puts up his fists] Well it's on! We're gonna have it our RIGHT NOW! [grabs Kyle by the collar] Steve: [now in his boat at the end of a dock] Of course, we could always take my boat, eh? Rick: Oh yes! On the river we could travel to Ottawa in no time! Kyle: Well come on! [everyone hops into the boat] Steve: Okay, next stop, the new Prime Minister. [the boat leaves the dock and goes on its way] Kyle: Do you think we can still make it in time? Cartman: We'd better, Kyle. Or you're dead. Scene Description: The Parliament building, dawn. Steve and the rest of the party pull up to the small dock at one end of the grounds. Steve: Here we are at the Parliament buildin'. Mime: Ze Prime Minister is inside. Cartman: [hops off the boat and runs towards Parliament] Well come on, let's hurry! It's almost Christmas! [the rest of the group follows] Scene Description: The Parliament building, entrance. Kyle knocks on the heavy wooden doors. A wooden panel opens up to reveal a window. A doorman looks out through it. Doorman: Yes? Kyle: We need to see the new Prime Minister. Doorman: Ha! Impossible! The new Prime Minister isn't seeing anybody! [slams the window shut] Mime: Oh well, so much for zat. [turns around and slowly walks away] Steve: Yeah, we gave it our best, but our best wasn't good enough, eh? [joins the Mime] Kyle: No. No!! [knocks on the door again. Steve and the Mime turn around] Doorman: [opens his window again] Yes? Kyle: Please, sir. I traveled a long way to get here. He's the only person who can help me. Doorman: [a big smug] The Prime Minister isn't here. He's in China on official business. So you might as well go home. Good-bye! Kyle: [turns around and walks off slowly] Then that's it. I'm... I'm never going to get my brother back. [sits down on the steps farther away from the door] Cartman: And... I'm not going to get any Christmas presents. [sits on the steps] Stan: And... I'm not gonna have a Christmas adventure. [sits between the two of them] Kenny: (And I'm not gonna have last 5 days without death...) [his voice trails off and he joins the others on the steps. They all cry] Doorman: [begins to cry with the boys] Oh please! Please stop crying. Cartman: [through his tears] I'm gonna kill you, Kyle. Doorman: All right all right, I was lying. The Prime Minister IS here. Kyle: [turns around] Really? [the boys stand and approach the doors] Doorman: Yes yes. Come in. [opens the large wooden doors, and the group enters.] Scene Description: The Parliament building, inside. The group walks down a long hallway and approach a large sanctum with three fire pits. Two small ones burn before and on each side of the huge one, which sits at the center and has a holograph of the Prime Minister hovering over it Prime Minister: I am the Prime Minister of Canada. What do you guys want? Kyle: [after a few moments, steps forth] Sir, you recently passed a new law allowing parents who have given their children up for adoption to change their minds. My little brother was- Scott: Not so fast! [soon appears with the Gintses] Kyle: Ike! Ike: Kyle! Scott: Prime Minister, these are the child's Canadian parents! Their Canadian blood pumps through his veins! Would you send him back to America with those world-hungry scum?! Kyle: Please, sir. I came because I don't think Ike belongs here. Family isn't about whose blood you have in you, family is about the people who cared about you and took care of you. We're not the same blood, but I love my little brother. We've taken care of him because he needed us to, and that makes us more family than anything. [Harry and Elise look at each other] Prime Minister: That is a great speech, guy. But the answer is no! All of my new laws will stay in effect forever! Scott: Haha, you lose, Americans! Rick: Then, I suppose us mounties will never get our horses. Mime: And we won't get our wine. Steve: And we can't perform sodomy, eh? Kyle: But why are you making such strange laws?? Prime Minister: I SAID GO! [a blast from his holographic eyes incinerates Kenny] Kenny: (Aah!) [Kenny explodes and pieces of him splatter all over the boys] Stan: Oh my God, they've killed Kenny! Kyle: [walks over to the charred remains] You... bastards! [brushes off a bit of Kenny from his jacket] Wha, what the hell is wrong with you?? What kind of Prime Minister bases his decisions on hatred? [Stan dusts himself off] And, and takes away mounties' horses? [Stan notices a purple curtain nearby and walks over to it] And French people's wine? What the hell kind of Prime Minister are you, anyway?! Prime Minister: I am the Prime Minister of Canada. [as he says this, Stan pulls the curtain back and Saddam Hussein appears behind it, cramped behind a console] I can do whatever I- [notices his cover is blown] Uh oh. Uh, don't mind that guy hiding in the spider hole, he's just my friend. Kyle: [the other members of the group gather in, as well as other people nearby] What the hell?? Rick: Hey, that looks like Saddam Hussein! Saddam Hussein: Saddam Hussein?? Naw, relax, buddah. I'm not him. Mime: Zat explains everything! Za new Prime Minister was Saddam Hussein, once again trying to take over our beloved Canada like he did before. Soldier 1: Saddam Hussein? Soldier 2: He was fooling us? Businessman: Get him! [the soldiers quickly seize him and haul him away] Saddam Hussein: Ahh, don't shoot. I want to negotiate. Hey, relax! [the crowd pounces on him and tear him apart] Gah! Rick: Wait a minute. This means all the Prime Minister's new laws are null and void. We can have our horses back! Mime: And we can drink our wine. Steve: And I can sodomize me boys again Harry: [brings Ike over to Kyle] Young man, you... must really care for Peter to have come all this way. Elise: Perhaps we were wrong to try and take Peter back. He doesn't belong here. He belongs with his family. Harry: [gently drops Ike to the floor] Peter, would you like to go back to your home in Colorado? [Ike walks over to Kyle and hugs him. Kyle returns the hug, and the Gintses hug as well, looking at the bond between Kyle and Ike. An alarm goes off. Cartman looks at his watch] Stan: What is that? Cartman: It's Christmas. We officially missed it. It's Christmas Day and ... I'm in Canada. Kyle: Well yeah, but ah-I got my brother back. Cartman: Yeah! You got your brother back, but I didn't get any presents! [takes off his mittens] And what did I tell you, Kyle?! [unbuttons his jacket, takes it off, and bunches it up] I told you that if we didn't make it back in time for Christmas I was gonna whup your ass, didn't I?! [tosses his jacket away] Kyle: Dude, come on. Cartman: Well now you're gonna get it, motherfucker! That's right! You and me! Right now! [puts up his fists] We're havin' it out! Let's go! Come on! Come on!! [Kyle puts up his fists and gives Cartman a quick right hook across the face. Cartman blinks a few times and begins to bawl while he's crying.] Mooooooom! Moooooooom! Rick: Hey, come on, boys! You can spend Christmas with us, Canada style! Scene Description: Ottawa, day. A Christmas parade goes by and the crowds cheer and throw confetti. Saddam is paraded on his own float, with huge candy canes around him. Canadians: Ding dong, they caught Saddam! Merry Christmas to the world! Ding dong, the Americans caught Saddam! [Santa's sleigh passes by and the boys are hoisted into it] Now Canada is free for you and you and me It's the best Christmas presents we ever got Canadian Christmas, it's the best! We drink and dance and show our breasts! Let's celebrate! Saddam Hussein's been caught! Stan: [sighs] Oh well. Maybe we'll get to have a Christmas adventure next year. [Cartman holds a towel over his left nostril, which is bleeding]

Scene Description: Park County Fair, day. South Park is more spread out these days. Looking like a small city now. People mill around. The boys walk along a fairway. Cartman pulls out a small firecracker and tosses it on the ground before Kyle and cackles softlyv Kyle: [stops so he doesn't get hurt and glares] Stop it, Cartman! Cartman: Pfaha, so funny. [pulls out another firecracker, tosses it before Kyle, and cackles] Kyle: [stops] Goddammit Cartman, stop throwin' those stupid poppy-things at me! [Cartman cackles some more. The boys approach a booth: Roger's Edge] Roger: Come on and take a look, folks. We've got a lot of knives for sale here. [Stan stops before a table, "Weapons of Asia," and marvels at the weapons displayed there.] Stan: Oh my God, look! [the other boys turn and walk up] Martial arts weapons from the Far East. [the sign reads "Martial arts weapons of the Far East"] Kyle: [softly] Wow, cool. Stan: Dude! We should each buy a weapon, and then we'll be like ninjas. Cartman: Yeah. We won't have to take crap from anybody. Kyle: [turns away] Our parents won't let us have weapons, dude. [the others turn as well] Cartman: Who's gonna tell them, dumbass?! Stan: Yeah, dude, our parents are gonna be at the stupid fair all day long. They'll never know what we bought. [the boys turn back to face the table] I'll get the tonfas. [they look like the nightsticks police use, but made of wood] Those are so sweet. Cartman: I'm gonna get those killer sai. [swords with horns at the hilt are in there. Cartman notices a weapon off to the right] Look Kenny! There's something even you can afford! A ninja shuriken [ninja star] for a dollar ninety nine. Kenny: (Shuriken. Awesome!) Roger: [approaches] Can I help you boys? [the boys step back from the table to see him.] Stan: Yeah. We wanna get one of each of these ninja weapons. Roger: Okay, uh, you need to have your parents here when you buy them, though. I, I can't sell to anyone under eighteen without parents' permission. [the boys look at each other] Cartman: Parents? Parents?! [fakes a sob] Oh God! [starts sobbing loudly and turns away.] Roger: Wha- wha- what's the matter? [Cartman continues sobbing] Stan: We, we're brothers, see, and our parents... died in a car accident last year. Cartman: Why?! [Stan cries, then covers his eyes. Cartman turns around, still sobbing] Why?! Why did you have to take them both?! Why?! [Kenny begins to sob] Why?! [Kyle observes his friends, then joins them in the sobbing] Kyle: Why do people have to keep reminding us of what we don't have?! Roger: [tries to soothe them] It's all right, it's all right boys. Don't cry, I'll... I'll just... go pack these up for you, okay? [takes a few weapons and leaves. The boys cry a bit more, then stop] Stan: Goddamn, that's like the twelfth time that's worked. Scene Description: Cartman's house, moments later. The boys are in his basement mastering their new weapons. Each boy gets the weapon he wanted. Kyle gets the yellow-ended nunchucks Stan: [with his tonfa] Kiya! Kiya! Kyle: Kaii yo! [one end of his nunchaku hits his hat a few times] Cartman: Giya! Shut up, hippies! I'll kill you! [lunges] Iya! Stan: [sweeps one of his tonfa around and transforms] With my tonfa of Takanawa, I become the great and powerful ninja Shadowhachi, born to fight evil and people I don't like. Kyle: Yeah. And my powerful nunchakus make me into Bunroku [he transforms], a deadly but compassionate ninja who protects those in trouble. Stan: What's your ninja name, Kenny? Kenny: [already transformed] (unintelligible) Cartman: [already transformed] Yes. And I... am Bulrog. Tough brute ninja who has dedicated his life to eradicating the world of hippies. Stan: All right, ninjas! Let's go protect the world! Cartman: Kick ass! [the boys head out] Scene Description: Outside, the neighborhood. The boys walk out onto a new, more-detailed landscape Cartman: Hey, you guys, you know what we should do? We should go show our weapons to Craig and those guys. They'll be so jealous. Kenny: (Yeah, that'd be awesome!) Kyle: [cautions] No dude, we can't go around showing our weapons to people. Our parents'll find out we have them. Cartman: Ech! You see, guys? This is why Jews can't be ninjas! They've got no spine! Kyle: [the background is a motion blur] You don't know anything about Jews, fatass! Cartman: Oh yeah?! My mom took me to see Mel Gibson's movie, The Passion, and Mel Gibson says you are sneaks and you are liars. And if the Road Warrior says it, it must be true. Stan: Don't worry, Kyle. Craig's not gonna tell on us. Come, ninjas, let's go. [they walk off and approach Craig's house, which is done up in Japanese style. Stan stops and whispers] All right, this is it. Cartman: Yes. The residence of the one called... Craig. [the boys approach quickly] Kyle: I still say this is a bad idea. Scene Description: Craig's house. Stan pounds on the door Stan: Ninja positions! [the boys get into their first positions and Craig opens the door] Hello, Craig! Cartman: [shows off his sai] Look what we got. Craig: Where'd you get those? Stan: We can't tell you where we got 'em! It's secret ninja stuff. Cartman: [moves past Stan] Ooo, is that jealousy I see in your eyes, Craig? Mmm, yes, drown me in the sweet water of your envy. Craig: Uh-uh, they're not that cool. Stan: Hyeah, "they're not that cool." These are real authentic weapons from the Far East. Kyle: But don't tell anybody we have them. Cartman: Ugh. Token: [appears with Clyde, behind Craig] Whoa! Where'd you get those?! Clyde: Let me see. Stan: Uh, we'd love to hang out guys, but we have important secret work to do. [turns and walks away] Cartman: Yes. The life of a ninja is complex and full of peril. [he and the other two turn and walk away as well] Come on, ninjas! All: Ho! [they trot off. Craig closes the door] Scene Description: On the road Cartman: Aw man, did you see the look on Craig's face?! That was awesome! Stan: Dude, we're like the coolest kids in the whole state! [Butters shows up before them] Butters: Hey fellas. What's happenin'? Cartman: We're playing Ninjas, Butters. Butters: Wowee! Hey, can I play, ninjas with you? Cartman: No, Butters. We are a very select elite fighting team sent to protect the world from evil, and you can't play with us. Stan: Yeah, Butters. You wouldn't make a very good ninja. Come on, guys. [the boys turn and walk off] We have a lot of work to do. Cartman: Yes, and no time to do it. No time... [Butters stands in the open alone] Butters: I think I'd make a really good ninja. [turns right and walks off towards home, rejected] Jeez, those guys never let me play with them. Uh, they just shun me all the time. [opens the front door and enters] Scene Description: Butter's house. He walks past behind the couch, where his mom reads a book unaware of the emotion in his voice Butters: I'm a lost soul. A dark lonely shadow of a person- Linda: Hi Butters. Butters: Hi Mom. [walks upstairs] -a castaway, forced to live his life out in solitude. [enters his room and heads for the closet] And it's because of times like these I was forced to a life of evil. [enters the closet] Society cast me out, and so I vowed to make them all pay! And pay they did! Nobody knows that beneath this sweet eight-year-old little boy lies the most evil, the most destructive super-villain of all time! [one swoosh of his cape and he transforms] Professor Chaos! [he holds his hands some distance apart and a ball of energy appears. This electrifies his whole body] Let's see how you like dealing with me, ninjas! [cackles. Now transformed, he makes his way downstairs. The stairs crack under his weight. He smashes his left fist into the wall, leaving a small crater in it. His mom looks on from the couch] Linda: Ooo, Butters, are you going out to play again? Butters: [in a gravelly voice] Yeah Mom, I'm just goin' outside for a little while. Linda: Well, could you be a sweetie and take that pie over there to the Thomsons. I made it to thank them for babysitting you last week. Butters: Well, o- okay Mom. [sees the pie on the small end table by the foot of the stairs and carries it off] Bah! Gah! [in his mind, he's big and powerful. Every step he takes affects the house. The first dislodges the family portrait, the second dislodges it more, the third knocks it to the ground. He opens the front door, goes out and slams it shot, knocking it off its hinges] Scene Description: On the road. The boys are shown in their anime forms Stan: Hm, this doesn't seem to be the right way. My ninja sense is telling me we might be heading in the wrong direction. Kyle: Okay, hang on guys. I'll use my special power to see into the future and find out where we should head next. Cartman: Hold on you guys. I actually have another power. I can see into the future too, but better than Kyle. Let me try it. Kyle: God dammit, Cartman! You can't keep making up new powers! Stan: Yeah dude, that's like the fifth power you've come up with! Cartman: I am Bulrog and I have lots and lots of powers. Kyle: No asshole! From now on you only get to have one power! So what is it?! Cartman: I have the power to have all the powers I want. Kyle: That doesn't count, fatass! Stan: Yeah, that it, Cartman! You don't get to have any powers! Cartman: [protests] C'mon! Butters: Haaa ha ha ha ha! [he appears with energy bristling all around him] Well well well! If it isn't the four ninjas! Kyle: Who the hell is that? Stan: I dunno. Craig, is that you? Butters: [strikes a ground pose] Fools! [jumps into the air and more energy surges from him. A fireball appears between his hands] I am Professor Chaos! Bringer of Destruction and Doom! [closeup] Your feeble ninja powers are no match for me! Kyle: Whoa. Cartman: Looks like we have a sworn enemy, you guys. Kenny: (Yeah.) Stan: [steps forth] Very well, Professor Chaos! We'll play along. Now, fell the fiery sting of my tonfa of Takanawa! [Stan strikes a battle pose and unleashes the energy from the tonfa tips. Butters shields himself with his cape, and the tonfa energy dissipates. Butters cackles] Hey kid, that knocks you down. Butters: Nuh uh! Stan: Yeah, huh, I got you! Butters: Nuh uh! Because my cloak is made of a... titanium alloy that shields me from heat! Cartman: That's bullcrap! Titanium alloy my ass! Kyle: Well, let's see how he likes the icy blasts from my nunchucks of Sokuromoto! [whips them around a few times and unleashes an icy stream of energy towards Butters. The blasts knock Butters out of the air and he hits the ground with a thud.] Butters: Huh nice attempt, ninja! But now both of you shall feel the power of my Web of Holding! [leaps up into the air and jumps back down, strikes the ground with his right fist, and the ground cracks towards the boys, ending with them being tossed into the air. The boys land on the ground again and look up at Butters] Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! You are both trapped in spiderwebs! [two spiderwebs drop down and trap Stan and Kyle] Cartman: All right, dickhole! Time for you to pay! [Cartman attempts to unleash energy with his hands, but nothing happens.] Oh no! I have no powers! Kyle took them away from me! Quick, Kyle, give me back my powers so I can fight this evil villain! Kyle: Okay, okay, you can have your powers back. Cartman: All right! And now I will use my power to... [faces the other boys] turn Kyle into a chicken! Bleh! [in an instant Kyle becomes a chicken] Kyle: God dammit Cartman! Cartman: Ha, ha, ha, ha, haaa, ha! Now you are a chicken! Nyanyanyanyanyaaa nya! Butters: Enough! I grow weary of your foolishness. Professor Chaos cannot be stopped! Stan: Oh yeah?! Kenny! Use your ninja star! Kenny: (Yeah! Take this, Professor Chaos!) [shows off an eight-pointed shuriken] (Feel my wrath!) [unleashes the shuriken, and it strikes Butters in the eye. Butters' helmet flies off, revealing his puff-ball hair and the shuriken embedded in the bloody left eye. The music abruptly stops and the boys are shown in regular form. Butters looks at the boys, screams loudly, and begins to sob] Cartman: Oh, shit, dude! Stan: [he and Kyle rush over to Butters] Butters! Oh my God! [the boys gather around Butters] Oh, dude! It's stuck in his eye! Kyle: What the hell did you do that for, Kenny?! Kenny: (I just threw my ninja star at him.) Butters: It hurts! It hurts! [continues to sob] Kyle: Oh man! We are in serious trouble! Stan: [tries to soothe Butters] Sh shhhh. It's okay, Butters. Calm down. It's not that bad, really. Butters: [trying to catch his breath] But I... But I... But I can't see nothin'. I gotta go to the hospital! [Butters continues to shriek in agonizing pain while Stan looks around nervously, with gritted teeth] Stan: Okay okay, calm down, Butters! It'll be okay! [Butters composes himself and sobs softly, looking around from time to time for any sign of help] Cartman: Guys, meeting over here for a second? [the boys move off and huddle] All right you guys, we need to stay calm and just do the right thing. We have to kill Butters and bury him in Kyle's backyard. Stan: Dude, shut up! Kyle: I agree with Cartman! Stan: What?! Kyle: You don't understand what my mom will do to me if she finds out I was playing with weapons! Scene Description: a closeup of the shuriken lodged in Butters' left eye, moments later. Some pliers clamp on to it and the camera pulls back. Stan is holding the pliers and he tugs gently at the shuriken. Butters sits on a tree stump Stan: Just stay still, Butters. Butters: [Stan tugs again] Ah. [Stan tugs harder] Hwa! [Stan tugs even harder] Hwaaaaa! Kyle: Stop dude! You're gonna scramble his brain! Cartman: Go ahead and scramble it, then he won't remember it was us. Butters: You guys can't fix my eyeball! You have to take me to the hospital! [whimpers] Kyle: If we take him to the hospital, they're gonna find out what happened. Stan: God dammit! Kyle: [moves off] God? Please, if you get me out of this, I swear, I will never play with weapons ever again. Cartman: [approaches] Don't be so quick to throw off your ninja responsibility, Kyle. [to the huddle] Now, come on guys, sure, it's easy to be a ninja when everything's going your way, but it's times like these, when the chips are down, that a ninja shows his true character. Butters: Whoa, I'm getting woozy. Cartman: Shut up, Butters. [to the other boys] Now, there's a way out of this. We just have to use our... ninja reasoning. [puts his fingertips to his temples. Kenny touches his right temple, Stan, his chin] Stan: We... need a doctor... But we can't go to the hospital. Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait. What about the veterinarian? Cartman: Dr. Shafley? Stan: He's really old and going blind. Cartman: So if we make Butters up to look like a dog... Kyle: Oh no. Stan: We might pass him off as our pet. Butters: [sniffling] But, but fellas, if I, if I dress up like a dog with a star in my eye, I- I'm gonna get grounded. Stan, Kyle, Cartman: Shut up, Butters! Kyle: That is the dumbest idea you guys have ever come up with! I'd expect this stupidity out of Cartman, but you, Stan?! Butters needs medical attention right now! Stan: All right, then you take him to the hospital, Kyle. You take him to the hospital and let your mom find out what happened. Scene Description: Moments later. Butters is made up to look like a dog. He sobs in resignation. Kyle holds a bottle of glue. Cartman: Hand me the modeling glue. We need more fur over here. [Kyle hands him the glue] Butters: [between whimpers] Uh, that modeling glue is making me dizzy. Cartman: Butters! We're trying to help you, Goddamnit! Now, stop being such an asshole! Kyle: We need some more fur. [Stan walks over to Sparky and shaves off fur from areas of his body still unshaved, then walks back to Kyle and hands him the fur. Kyle places the fur on Butters' left leg] I think that's good. Cartman: Okay, let's hear your bark, Butters. Butters: Uh. Wuff, wu-wuff. Stan: All right. Now we just gotta sneak him into town. Scene Description: South Park, in what looks like Skid Row. Stan appears and walks into a clearing Stan: [looks off to his left] Okay, it's clear. [turns right and walks on. Cartman and Kyle escort Butters between them] Cartman: Now remember, Butters, when you get to the vet's office, you need to stay down on all fours and- Butters, listen! At the vet's office, you need to stay down on all fours and bark a lot. Butters: [practices his bark unprompted] Wuhuff, woof, woof. Kyle: We've gotta hurry, it's getting late! [some trash bin noises are heard and the boys face the source of the noises] Stan: Oh shit, somebody's coming! Kyle: Quick, hide Butters! [Cartman drags Butters to an oven] Cartman: In here! [opens its door and shoves Butters in] Butters: bu- but fellas, I gotta- [Cartman closes the door. Craig and his boys appear] Craig: Aha! [the three remaining boys quickly face Craig's crew] There you are! You guys thought you were so cool, didn't you?! Well look at what we got! [Craig and his boys present their weapons] Cartman: No way, you got weapons too?! Stan: Where'd you get those? Jimmy: From the n-n- from the nn-, from the nn- Clyde: From the nice guy at the county fair. Craig: At first we needed our parents' permission, but then we told him our parents were dead. Cartman: Aw man, now every douchebag in town has a weapon! Lame! Craig: So, [unsheathes his sword] how would you ninjas like to do battle? Stan: Uh, not now, Craig, we we have to be going. Craig: You can't pass through this area until you defend your honor! [Clyde crosses his kamas against each other] Kyle: He said, not now, Craig! Craig: I am not Craig, [twirls his sword] I am Ginza, [transforms] with the powerful blade of the kitana. Iya! Token: And I am Black Chaku, [twirls his nunchakus and transforms] with the power of perfect spelling! Stan: Guys, we're we're really not playing, okay? [Jimmy has already transformed and leaps into the air, twirling his kali sticks around, and lands in a powerful pose] Jimmy: Wha, what, what's the m-matter, f-fellas? Are you ... nnnninjas or p-p-p-pussies? Cartman: [the boys are back in anime form] We're twice the ninjas you fags are! Clyde: Then fight us! Cartman: Very well, Clyde. Kiyaaaa! Kyle: I swore to never fight again. Stan: We don't have a choice, Kyle. Just humor them. Hyaaaaah! [He begins his attack. The other boys move forth and the fight begins, as a song reminiscent of Japanese anime theme songs, mostly Japanese with occasional English words, starts playing; its lyrics appear as a sing-along along the bottom of the screen.] Singer: poemSubarashii chinchin monoKintama no kame aruSore no oto ha "saru bobo"Iie! Ninja ga imasuHey Hey Let's Go! kenka suruTaisetsu no mono protect my ballsBoku ga warui so let's fightingLet's fighting love...Let's fighting love...Kono uta chotto bakaWake ga wakaranaiEigo ga mechakuchaDaijobu? We do it all the time!Hey hey let's go kenka suru...</poem> Scene Description: The fight as the song progresses: Jimmy twirls his kali sticks around and aims them at Stan, unleashing two beams of energy. Stan blocks them with his tonfa. Kenny watches Craig be tossed through the air. Token sweeps his nunchucks around and unleashes energy towards Kenny, who jumps clear and lets Cartman take the blow. Cartman shatters it with his sai swords. The nunchucks sweep back. Kenny falls to the ground on his ass, behind Cartman. Token attacks Cartman with his nunchucks, but Cartman counters them with his sais, sending Token flying back a few yards. Token rubs his right shoulder. Clyde whips out his kamas and whips them around, and Kyle responds by whipping his nunchucks around. Clyde focuses on Kyle and unleashes a large amount of energy from his kamas. Craig and his crew are shown, then Craig and Kenny fly at each other. Stan takes a stand. Two silhouettes fight. A car rolls by the scene slowly, and the driver simply observes. He sees them are they are, then drives off. The scene reverts to anime letterbox and the boys continue fighting Stan: Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait! [the song ends, and he looks around] Wait. [steps forward] Hold on a second. Where's Butters? [sees the open oven door, and no one in the oven] Kyle: Oh no. Butters! Cartman: Butters! Stan: [turns and faces Craig's boys] Oh, nice going, you assholes! You made us lose him! Craig: Lose who? Kyle: [approaches Craig] Butters! He got a ninja star stuck in his eye, and we were taking him to the vet when you fucked it all up! Butters! Craig: Stuck in his eye? Was he bleeding? Cartman: Ye-yeah, a little- Butters! Get back here right now! Craig: Oh shit, you guys are in trouble. We're outta here! Stan: No dude, you gotta help us find him! Craig: To hell with that! Cartman: We're in this together, Craig! If Butters tells on us, we're gonna tell on you! That's the ninja code! Scene Description: The road, sunset. Butters walks along the side still sobbing, looking for help Butters: Hello? Anybody-eh. [the driver appears again and slows down to observe Butters. His right eyebrow rises] Woof. Woof. Woofwoof. [his voice softens] Eh. Woof, eh. Woof. [the drives speeds up and drives off. Butters turns and continues his lonely walk. Back near Skid Row the eight boys walk along searching for Butters.] Stan: Butters! Kyle: Butters! Cartman: Here, Butters! Kenny: (Butters!) Craig: Butters! Clyde: Butters! Token: Butters! Jimmy: Bu- bu- bu- bu- bu- bu- bu- bu- Butters! Cartman: Butter- Butters! Kyle: Hey Butters! Stan: Butters! Kyle: Dude, look! [a black man walks up in anime form, stops, and looks around] Chef: Hello there, children! The Boys: Hey, Chef. Chef: How's it goin'? Stan: Bad. Chef: Why bad? Kyle: Uuuh, Chef, you haven't seen Butters around, have you? Chef: No, can't say that I have. Hey, what are you children doin' with those weapons? Stan: Nothing, just... playing. Chef: Well, you children should be careful with those. You could put somebody's eye out. Kyle: Yeah, we know. Chef: Well, I've gotta get to the fairgrounds. They're about to start the big auction. So long, children! [turns and walks away] Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Butters closes in on it, babbling incoherently and stumbling along. He enters the emergency area, moves in a few feet, and falls flat on his back Nurse: [behind the counter] Oh my God! [leaves her station and kneels down next to Butters] What the-?! Doctor? Doctor?! Dr. Doctor: [approaches and kneels down next to Butters] Jesus Christ. [Butters shakes his head and babbles] What kind of sick bastard would do this to a dog?! Poor little pup. Butters: [moans, then opens his eyes] Woof woof. Nurse: Can you help him, Doctor? Dr. Doctor: I'm afraid I wouldn't know how. Unfortunately for this little fella, I'm a people doctor. Best we call the animal shelter. Nurse: [rises and leaves] Right away. Announcer: [with recaps from the episode] In our last episode the four ninjas did battle with Professor Chaos, bringer of destruction and doom. It was during that great battle that ninja master Kenny threw his star into Professor Chaos' eye. Now the ninjas were in serious trouble, because their parents might find out they had weapons, if Professor Chaos told on them. While trying to get Professor Chaos some aid at the veterinarian's office, the four ninjas ran into Craig and his three friends. They challenged the four ninjas to fight, and the legendary battle of Tokutawa began. It was during this battle that Professor Chaos escaped, and so the four ninjas were forced to join forces with Craig and his friends to find Professor Chaos, or else they would all be grounded. Stan: Butters! Kyle: Butters! Cartman: Here, Butters! Kenny: (Butters!) Craig: Butters! Clyde: Butters! Token: Butters! Craig: Butters! Where the hell are you?! Kyle: It's hopeless, dude! Butters must have made it to the hospital. By now our parents probably know we were playing with weapons! We have to get rid of the evidence! [moves off] Stan: What? Kyle: [reaches a well and holds his nunchucks over it] Dude, we have to get rid of our weapons so at least we can try to deny everything. Cartman: [with his sais] Screw that, dude, I paid twenty bucks for these things! Stan: Yeah, let's just go return them and get our money back. Kyle: We don't have time for that, dude! We just have to ditch them! Now! Cartman: Okay. Go ahead, Kyle. Throw your nunchucks away. If you can. But you know damn well that your Jewish blood won't let you. You can't throw away something you paid fifteen bucks for. Go ahead and try. Kyle: Screw you, fatass! [struggles to loosen his grip on the nunchucks] Cartman: Mel Gibson was right, Kyle. Right now the Jew in you is screaming "NO! Those cost money! Get your money back!" You know this to be true. [Kyle continues struggling and begins to grunt] Go ahead. Prove Mel Gibson wrong, Kyle. [closeup of Cartman's lips] Do it. [Kyle struggles even harder, but eventually gives in] Kyle: [walks up next to Stan] I- I can't do it... I can't do it. I... Stan: It's all right, Kyle. We'll go back to the fair and return them. Scene Description: South Park Animal Shelter, day. Dogs and cats are heard. Inside, an elderly veterinarian pulls something along on a leash Vet: Come on. Come on, little fella. 'Atta boy. [Butters appears at the other end of the leash, crawling in] Butters: [in a gravelly voice] Woof woof. [babbles incoherently. The veterinarian leads him towards a cell] Vet: Right over here. [opens the gate] Good dog. Come on. [guides Butters in] There you go, right in there. [closes the gate and locks it, then leaves] Goooood dog. [Butters babbles some more as a dog approaches from his left and sniffs. The dog pisses on him and walks away. Butters' voice rises in protest. Another dog approaches from his right, sniffs him, and pisses on him. Butters' voice rises a bit more in protest. A third dog approaches from his left, turns around, and craps on him. Butters stands up] Butters: Gaaaah! Assistant: Somebody threw a ninja star in that poor puppy's eye? Vet: It just makes me sick how some people can treat animals. [pulls out a large syringe, quickly] Well, nothing we can do for it; let's put it to sleep, shall we? [they move back into Butters' cell] Here you go, pup. I've got a sweet dose of murder for you. [He leaves, giving Butters the chance to escape. The vet returns with a syringe.] What the? Blasted! He's escaped! ...Oh well, let's murder one of these other dogs. Scene Description: The county fair, anime form, sunset Stan: All right, the county fair's still open! [they spot Roger, shown in anime form, and approach his booth.] Roger: Can I help you boys? Stan: We have come to return the weapons we purchased. Roger: Uh, sorry kids, ah I don't give refunds. Kyle: Listen, doucher! Our parents are gonna kill us, and you, if they found out that we bought these! Roger: I thought you told me your parents were dead. Craig: [approaches with his boys] You guys! [the other boys turn around] You guys! Stan: What is it, Craig? Craig: It's Butters! We saw 'im! Kyle: Where?! Craig: Right on the other side of the fairgrounds. He's just wandering around aimlessly. Kyle: Then it's not too late! Stan: Come on, Ninjas! [the boys make their way across the fairgrounds, but freeze in their tracks upon seeing the auction] Barker: [in anime form] All right, folks, our next item up for bids is this lovely 19th Century lamp. Stan: Aw dude, crap. All our parents are there. Craig: Butters is right on the other side. Kyle: We have to get past them! Cartman: All right. Looks like I have to use my power of invisibility to get by. Kyle: You have that power too? Cartman: I told you, Bulrog has lots and lots of powers. Behold. [steps aside and holds his arms up. He sweeps them down and disappears. He them removes his clothes and gathers them into a pile] This way, I can move about the crowd of people undetected. [walks over to Stan and hands his clothes over] Here, hold this stuff for me. Stan: [softly] Good luck, Bulrog. [Cartman leaves, with only his footsteps indicating where he's going] Barker: Now, this lamp comes from the estate of Edna and James Hollinger, who lived in upstate Wyoming. [Cartman, in normal form, appears, tip-toeing across the stage sideways. His penis can be seen.] It has a bronze finish and actual gold leaf along the base. This is a rare opportunity to own a classic antique. [Cartman changes his gait and tip-toes forward. The bidders look on] The lamp has been appraised by our auction staff at well over two thousand dollars. [Cartman changes his gait and tip-toes along sideways. One of the staffers notices Cartman and taps his colleague. The colleague looks and gasps] So we're gonna start the bidding at three hundred and seventy five. Do I, do I hear three hundred and seventy five? [Cartman continues tip-toeing along and the bidders sit motionless. Eight seconds pass before Cartman stops, realizing that the crowd can indeed see him.] Kid, what the hell do you think you're doin'? [Cartman looks around, knowing he's stuck.] Butters: [wanders on stage] Haba, haba! Habahoaha! [babbles some more, then falls flat on his back again] Linda: [rises with her hands on her chest] Butters! [the auction staff encircles the boy] Randy: What happened to him? Sheila: Oh my God! Stan: Oh, Jesus. Kyle: Oh dude, we are gonna get it now. Scene Description: Park County Community Center, Emergency Town Meeting, day. The chatter among the adults present is heated Mayor McDaniels: All right, people, we are all extremely upset over what's happened. [the boys' parents are present, with angry faces on] But let's try to speak one at a time. Man 1: Well, like the rest of you, I am shocked and appalled at what happened! I don't know if the parents are to blame or if it's the times we're living in, but something has to change! Townsfolk: [amid chatter] Yeah! I agree! Gerald: This is the worst thing that's happened in this town! [Butters is shown with a patch over his left eye and a long gauze wrapped around his head to keep the patch in place] The worst thing! Man 2: Yeah! I mean, there were children watching that auction! And when that little eight-year-old boy walked up and flashed his... penis! It was an outrage! [the adults go into an uproar again] Stan: What? Cartman: What? Skeeter: Not only that, the auction was televised on public access, so my little daughter watchin' at home saw the... penis! How am I supposed to explain that to her?! Sheila: This is what happens when the moral fabric of society breaks down! [the adults go into an uproar again] Mr. Garrison: [next to Mr. Mackey] You see the damage you've caused, Eric Cartman?! What were you thinking?! Cartman: I told you it was a wardrobe malfunction. [the adults go into an uproar again] Kyle: Dude, they don't care we knocked Butters' eye out with weapons? Stan: Just run with it, dude. Kyle: [looks around, then stands on his chair] Uh, yeah! I agree! Uh- my fragile little eight-year-old mind didn't know how to deal with what I was seeing. C-Cartman should be punished! Man: Yeah! [the adults go into an uproar again] Cartman: Hey, fuck you, Kyle! Scene Description: Park County Community Center, outside. The doors open and Stan, Kyle, and Kenny exit onto the parking lot Kyle: Yeah, I c- I can't believe it. Stan: Yeah. I guess parents don't give a crap about violence if there's sex things to worry about. Kyle: [pulls out his nunchucks] So I guess this means we get to keep our weapons. Stan: [he and Kenny pull out their weapons] Yeah. Come on, ninjas. [they transform into their anime forms] We've got some more work to do. The Boys: [leap into a pose, and the image is frozen] Hya! Scene Description: End of Good Times with Weapons. Stills of the episode are shown along with "Let's Fighting Love"

Scene Description: Stan's backyard, day. The boys are playing the "Investigative Reports with Bill Curtis" game when Timmy and Jimmy arrive. Jimmy: Hey fellas. Stan: Oh hey Jimmy, hey Timmy. Timmy: Timmy! Jimmy: [carries a brochure under his right arm] Say fellas, Jimmy and I were wondering if maybe you would come and cheer for us next S-S-Saturday. We're both competing in the Special Olympics down in Denver. Cartman: [approaches Jimmy] The Special Olympics? What's so special about them? Kyle: They're Olympic games for handicapped people. Cartman: [snickers] What? Jimmy: [hands Cartman the brochure] Timmy and I are competing in a variety of events. Stan: Yeah sure, we'll come cheer you and Timmy on. Kyle: Yeah, that'd be cool. Jimmy: Thanks a lot, fellas. Well, we gotta get down to the training center and start working out. Word is we have a lot of sssstiff competition this year. Kyle: Well all right, we'll see you on Saturday, guys. Timmy: Timmy! [he and Jimmy walk off.] Cartman: Dude. I can't believe they exploit handicapped people like this. I mean, making them compete against each other just for our amusement. Kyle: ...You're an asshole, Cartman. Cartman: What? What'd I do? Scene Description: Denver Athletic Club, Denver, day. Inside, the athletes are working out on a variety of equipment. Jimmy and Timmy are at a bench press. Jimmy presses weights as Timmy spots him. Jimmy: S-s-six! Timmy: Timmah. Jimmy: S-s-s-ssseven! Timmy: Timmah. Timmah! Jimmy: S-s-seven! Timmy: Timmah! Timmah! Jimmy: [gets back on count, but falters] Ni- I can- I can't! [Timmy helps Jimmy put the weights back on the bar rest] Huff. Oh man. [sits up] Gee whiz, Timmy. It looks like we have some pretty stiff competition this year. [another kid at a nearby bench press laughs] All of the special athletes seem to be in tip-top condition, and I can't even get past seven reps. Oh well, that's it for me, Timmy. I'm p-p-p-pooped. I'll see you in the locker room. Timmy: Timmah. [Jimmy walks away] Francis: Hey Jimmy, g-good luck on Saturday. Jimmy: [turns and looks] You too, Francis. [looks forward and resumes walking. In a darkened hallway stands a big athlete with an air of hauteur about him] Nathan: Hey Jimmy. Jimmy: Oh he-hey, N-Nathan. Nathan: So uh, I see you train pretty hard. Jimmy: [moves into the hallway and faces Nathan] Yeah, it sure is tough. I'm training really hard, but I'm not improving fast enough, and the Special Olympics are a... week away. Nathan: Weeell uh, maybe I can help you out. You know, there are shortcuts. Jimmy: What kind of shortcuts? Nathan: You know. Steroids. Jimmy: S-s-ss-s-s-steroids? [Nathan signals him to be quite as another handicapped athlete walks by] ...But aren't those illegal? Nathan: Yeah, sure, but these are new. They don't show up in our urine tests. Jimmy: So uh, ha-how do they... w-w-work? Nathan: [holds out a prescription bottle] You just take one of these little blue babies [holds up three fingers] three times a day [reaches into a fanny pack and pulls out a syringe] and inject this directly into your bloodstream [holds up two fingers] twice a day before meals. Jimmy: How much would this cost me? Nathan: Uuuh, it isn't cheap. I've gotta keep vice off my back and secure shipments from overseas. Jimmy: [looks around uneasily] Well... then maybe I'll just use them a-al-little bit. You know, as a performance. Nathan: Oh, whatever you say, Jimmy my friend. [steps closer] Whatever you say. [Jimmy reaches out for the drugs] Scene Description: Stan's house, front yard. The boys are playing with various toy big rigs. Stan moves a gas truck, Kenny an ambulance, Kyle a tow truck. Cartman: [rushes up with the brochure] You guys! You guys! I have the best idea ever! I'm gonna be rich! Kyle: What? Cartman: Dude, I was just looking at the Special Olympics brochure, and check this shit out: "At the end of the Special Olympics, a Grand Champion Special Athlete is crowned and given a cash prize of $1000" [he looks at his friends as his jaw drops] Stan: So? Cartman: So?! So, dude, think about it. If somebody just pretended to be mentally handicapped, they could easily win the competition and get the thousand bucks! Kyle: Oh no. Cartman, no! Cartman: It's flawless! I'll act like I have a disability, and when the time come to compete I'll kick ass against all the handicaps! Stan: That's really, really terrible, dude. Cartman: Terrible?? Whatever! You guys' brains just can't compute complex plans like mine can! It'll work, you'll see. [walks off] Kyle: [moves and catches up to Cartman] Cartman! I will not stand by and let you cheat your way to winning the Special Olympics! Cartman: Why? Kyle: Because! [takes away the brochure] Cartman: What are you gonna do, Kyle?! Tell on me?! [points an accusing finger at him] Then you'll be a great big no-good double-faced poopy-pants tattle-tale! [lowers it] Is that really how you deal with your problems?! Grow up, Kyle! [turns around and walks off. Kyle seethes in silence. Cartman now talks to himself] All I have to do is make people think I'm handicapped, and I get a thousand dollars. It won't be easy, but nothing worth having ever is. Scene Description: A montage, to the tune of "Scarface (Put It To The Limit)" Cartman sits at his computer typing away. Onscreen are his plans for looking handicapped, "Ways to Appear Handicapped." He's then at the library poring over piles of books. The librarian wheels a cartload of books over, Cartman points to the spot at which they should be dropped off, and the librarian obliges. Cartman then rides to school in the Special Ed bus, taking notes on the behavior of handicapped students. Next, he's in the bathroom at home contorting his face this way and that, then takes more notes. He leafs through another book and types in more notes into his computer, then pours himself some more coffee. Scene Description: Cartman goes to a clothing store looking for ill-fitting clothes. He then cobbles a custom shoe for himself. He goes home and tries it out. He goes to a CGI studio and puts on a motion suit so he can make a 3D model of himself on a computer. He takes the 3D model home and modifies it on his own computer: "Handicapped Walk Analysis." He then goes into the bathroom and cuts off clumps of his hair to look as if he were retarded. He goes to the living room and looks at a Kid Rock video for more inspiration and takes notes. He puts on a bicycle helmet and pulls his hair out through the holes. He assembles the various parts of his handicapped outfit and puts it on. He squishes his face upwards for the finishing touch and ties the helmet straps together well below his chin. Cartman: Daaaarrrr. Duuuuurrrr. I wanna be in the Special Olympics. [loosens the chin straps and lowers his face to normal] Bull's eye! Scene Description: Jimmy's house, bedroom, night. Jimmy is at his bed. He straps on a strip of heavy rubberband, dabs his arm a few times with alcohol, jabs the syringe into his arm and injects some liquid steroids into his arm. He loosens the rubber band and someone knocks on his door. He looks around and jumps off his bead. Jimmy: Oh! Agh! Ju-just a second! [heads for his duffel bag and hauls it to his night stand. The knock is heard again] Ryan: Jimmy? Jimmy: [sweeps the steroids into the bag] Hang on, I'm-I'm, coming. [rushes to the closet and shoves the duffle bag in.] Ryan: Jim, it's your father! Jimmy: [walking towards the door] I said I'm coming! Give me a Goddamned s-second! [gasps and realizes he still has the syringe in his mouth and spits it out. He opens the door and sees his father with a cup of coffee.] Ryan: Jimmy, were you masturbating? Jimmy: N-no, Dad. Ryan: Okay. Well, you have a visitor. [the camera pans down to a pretty girl, who enters the room] Girl: Hi Jimmy. Jimmy: Oh. Hi, N-N-Nancy. Nancy: I was hoping we would study for the spelling test tomorrow. Jimmy: Oh. Sure thing. Come on in. Ryan: I didn't know you had a girlfriend, Jim. Jimmy: Yeah, Dad. We've been going out since we met in Free Period last week. Ryan: I'll leave you two alone. [reaches for the door, but stops] Y-You sure you weren't masturbating, Jim? It's okay if you were. Jimmy: Dad, Jesus C-Christ! Ryan: Okay, then. [they look at each other] Scene Description: A basketball court, day. The boys take turn shooting hoops, but none of them make a basket. Cartman waddles into view in his handicapped getup. Cartman: Drrrrrrey drrrrrrrey. [the boys stop and look] Hey guys, what's going on? Drrrrr. Kyle: [low voice] God damn you! Cartman: You see, gentlemen? The Special Olympics Championship and my one thousand dollars is just four days away. [This means it's Tuesday prior] I'm going to go sign up now. Kyle: No you're not! [whips out the brochure] I read the brochure, Cartman! If you're under eighteen, you have to have a parent with you to sign up for the Special Olympics. Cartman: What?! [takes the brochure back from Kyle] Kyle: It says right there "a parent has to be with you to sign up," and you'll never get your mom to agree to something so horrible, so ha! [grins confidently. Cartman looks at him, then at the brochure and reads] Scene Description: Cartman's house, later. Liane is at the kitchen table paying bills. Cartman walks in from the dining room. He puts his arms behind his back. Cartman: Moooommmm? Liane: Yes, hon? [begins writing a check] Cartman: Um, could I get you to do something for me? Liane: What's that, hon? Cartman: Um, okay. This is goin' ta sound a little strange. Um, but, stick with me. Um, moooommm? Would you mind coming with me to sign up for the Special Olympics so I can beat all the handicapped kids and win a thousand dollars? [Liane looks up and goes pale] Liane: Oh... N- no, sweetie. I believe those Olympics are just for... "special" children. Cartman: I'm not special? I thought you always said I was special. Liane: You are, hon, but... I don't think that's a very good idea. [writes out another check] Cartman: ...I'll split the money with you. [Liane stops] Liane: ...I'm sorry, Eric. The answer is No. [Cartman is upset and begins to think a little harder] Cartman: [walks up to the table] All right, Mom, look. Here's .. the truth. [under his breath] God, this is gonna be hard to say. [normally] I think, Mom, that I've been hard on some of the handicapped kids at school in the past. I've sometimes looked at people with disabilities as people God put here on earth for my amusement, but... now I'm starting to think... that if I could just spend one day in their shoes... if I could just see the challenges they face every day... maybe I wouldn't be so cold. I just want a chance to change. [looks up at her with longing, puppy dog eyes.] Help me change? Liane: Oh, a- a- all right, sweetie, I- I'll take you tomorrow. Cartman: Awesome. Scene Description: Denver Athletic Club, day. Jimmy and Timmy are in the locker room getting ready to leave. Jimmy: You did a great job in the 500, Timmy. You're really im-p-p-proving. Timmy: Timmah! Jimmy: I think I really got a shot at the gold in the swimming competition. Coach says I'm the fastest he's ever seen. Well, I'll see you nice and early for p-practice, Tim-Tim. Oh, uh, can you hand me my bag? Timmy: [slips on his sweater] Timmah! [reaches over for the bag and grabs a handle. The contents spill out, since he didn't grab the other handle, and he sees the steroids drop to the floor. He looks down sadly and holds the bag a litle closer. Jimmy is frozen in place. Timmy's voice shakes] Tim- Timmy? Jimmy: Oh, uh, so... hey, Timmy... uh hu-how about we go out for a s-s-soda later? [sweeps the steroids back into the bag. Timmy finds a bottle on his pants and looks at it. Jimmy finishes up and leaves] I'll uh, I-I'll see you later, Tim-Tim. Timmy: [turns and exclaims] Timmah... [the tone of voice stops Jimmy] Jimmy: [turns] Look it's really none of your b-b-b-beeswax, Timmy! Timmy: [rolls up to Jimmy] Timmah. Timmah! Jimmy: Because I, maybe I don't have what it takes to win with-without them! Timmy: [turns aside and sighs] Timmah. [rolls away a bit] T-T-Timmah. Jimmy: You you aren't gonna... tell anybody, are you? Timmy: Huh! Timmah! T-Timmah! Jimmy: Look, it's my b-body and it's my choice what I put in it! Timmy: Timmah! Timmah, Jimmih! [points to himself] Arrrh Timmah! [points to himself] Jimmih! Jimmy: Don't lecture me on the complexities of sportsmanship. You know as well as I do most of the kids in Special Olympics aren't shooting up to compete. I'm just trying to k-keep up. Timmy: [spent] Huh... Timmah... [holds the bottle out over the floor] Timmah. Jimmy: [angered] S-s-s-so what are you gonna do now, huh?! You gonna be a fuckin' narc and show that b-bottle to the... coaches?! [Timmy drops the bottle on the ground, turns around and rolls away. Jimmy watches him leave] Don't think you're any better than me, Timmy! I'm just living in the real world! [looks down at the bottle, then kicks the bottle away with his left crutch] Fuck! Scene Description: The Special Olympic Field, next day. Timmy is in the field ready for the javelin throw. Timmy: Timmah! [rolls forward and throws the javelin] Aaar-yaaaaah Timmah! [the javelin hits the ground near a coach] Coach: All right, thirty yards, Timmy! Keep it up! Timmy: Oowrrr! Timmah! Livilaye! Jimmy: [runs down a track for the long jump] Y-yeess! [jumps into the air and lands]Grrrr! Coach 2: Wuh-wow, Jimmy, I can't believe how much you've improved! You're bigger and stronger than I've ever seen you! Jimmy: Yeah, I've been working out... r-really hard. Coach 2: You keep going like this and you'll break Special Olympics records on Saturday! Scene Description: The Special Olympic Field, registration table, moments later. A family of three arrives. Man: Okay, so this is all the stuff we need to sign Michael in? Volunteer: Yup. Just take the sign-up sheet down to the next table and we'll get it all finalized. Woman: Thank you very much. Volunteer: Thank you! Good luck, Michael. Michael: Thanks. Volunteer: Okay, next in line please? Cartman: [looking really retarded, steps up to the table with his mom] Naaaa! Daaaaa! Volunteer: Hello there. Liane: Hello. Um, I would like to... sign my son up, please. Cartman: Naaaa! Volunteer: Oh, great! What's his name? Liane: Eric Cartman... Cartman: Caaartmaaan! Daaaaa! Volunteer: Okay. Age? Liane: He's nine. Volunteer: O-kay, and what's his disability? Liane: ...Um, he's retarded. [Cartman offers a retarded grin] Volunteer: ...N-no, I'm asking what his specific condition is. Down's Syndrome? Cerebral palsy? Liane: Ohhh, oh. I'm not sure. [Cartman looks up with some concern] Sweetie, what is your condition? Cartman: ...How should I know? I'm retarded. Daaaaa! Volunteer: I'll just leave that blank for now. Scene Description: The Special Olympic Field, under the bleachers. Jimmy prepares to inject more steroids into his right arm. Jimmy: [performs the injection] Yeah, b-bigger, stronger! [Timmy rolls by and hears him, then raises his eyes in alarm] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Timmy rolls to Mr. Mackey's office, sighs and knocks. Mr. Mackey: [opens the door] Oh, hi Timmy. Come on in. [Timmy follows Mr. Mackey in] I understand you have somethin' important you wanna talk to me about, m'kay? Timmy: [leans forward and begins] Timmy. Mr. Mackey: Well, Timmy, as your counselor, I want you to know that you can tell me anything, m'kay? And whatever's troublin' you, I wanna try and, and help you with it. Timmy: [sighs and begins again] Timmy. Mr. Mackey: Mmm'kay, right, you're Timmy. ...Yo-you have a problem? Timmy: [shakes his head vigorously] No Timmy, Jimmy. Mr. Mackey: Ji-Jimmy? Timmy: [showing his frustration] Haaa! [remembers something] Oh, oh! [wheels over to a class picture of the fourth graders. Jimmy is at one end of the front row, with Mr. Garrison behind him. Timmy reaches up and points] Jimmy. Mr. Mackey: Oh, Jimmy Valmer! Oh, okay, what about him? Timmy: [rolls back and tries to get the story out with gestures. He demonstrates Jimmy asking for his bag] Timmah! Timmah, uh, Jimmih. [demonstrates himself handing the bag to Jimmy and seeing the contents fall out] Hey Timmy, Timmah Tim-oh! Tim-Timmah! [shows his reaction to the steroids] Timmmah? Jimmih! Jimmih. [demonstrates the argument between the two] Jimmih Timmah Timmah? Timmah, Timmah! Jimmih... Jimmih! Jimmih! Timmah! [demonstrates the bottle being dropped] Timmah! Mr. Mackey: [confused] Mmmmm'kaaay. I don't quite follow, Timmy. Timmy: Argh. Jimmy... Mr. Mackey: Right, Jimmy Valmer. Timmy: Uh. [demonstrates himself minding his own business when he sees Jimmy shooting up in the shadows], Timmah Jimmih Jimmih Jim- [demonstrates the injection, then flexes his muscles and takes a sinister tone] Jimmh Timmah Timmah Jimmih! Mr. Mackey: Right. He's Jimmy, yeah. Timmy: [really frustrated] Haaaaaaaaaah! Scene Description: Cartman's room, night. Cartman types away at his computer. Screen reads: How I Will Spend My One Thousand Dollars By Eric Cartman. A knock on his door is heard. Cartman: Enter. [Kyle enters, and walks up next to Cartman] Kyle: Cartman, I really, really have a problem with what you're doing. I object to it morally, and I find it grossly offensive. [they look at each other and Cartman closes a book he had open for reference] Cartman: Go on, Kyle. Kyle: I know that I often have serious moral objections to the things that you do, but... this time I think you really need to reconsider, because if you do this, I believe you will go to hell. So I feel it is my responsibility, as your friend, to tell people what you're doing, and to put a stop to it! Cartman: Well, Kyle, I understand where you're coming from, and I appreciate you being so direct. Um, the thing is, you really have kind a warped view on morality because you're Jewish. Now, Kyle, you haven't gone to see Mel Gibson's film, The Passion of the Jew. Kyle: I didn't come here to talk about The Passion, Cartman! Cartman: Let me finish. If you had seen The Passion you would know that Hell is reserved for the Jews, and all those who don't accept Christ. That being the case, it is actually me who is worried about your soul. Kyle: I came here to talk about you! Cartman: Yes. [hops off his seat and consoles Kyle] And instead you had to break through yourself. This is really the beginning of a whole new chapter of your life, Kyle. [whispers] Good luck. [after a few seconds, Kyle turns around and goes to leave. He opens the door, turns around to say something but instead walks out. Cartman just hums a tune, goes back to the computer and reads some more.] Scene Description: Jimmy's house. He's working out on a bench press in his room. A mirror sits next to him. Jimmy: Come on, push it! Push it! [he pushes the weights onto the bar rest and sits up. He checks his musculature out in the mirror] Yeah. Nice p-pecs. Sweet b-biceps. [the door opens and Nancy enters] Nancy: Jimmy, I thought we were meeting at the doughnut shop. Jimmy: The Games are in two days, Nancy. I can't be w-wasting my time. Nancy: I guess I didn't realize I was a waste of time. Jimmy: Oh Jesus! [lays back down and takes up the weights] You gonna start running your mouth off again? [begins new reps] P-push it! Push it! Nancy: Jimmy, everyone's worried about you. You seem... different. Jimmy: They-they're all just... jealous. Nancy: You're not the boy I fell in love with last week during Free Period. I'm leaving you. Jimmy: [quickly rests the weights and sits up] You're not leaving me! You try to leave me and I'll kill you, bitch! Nancy: You can't treat people like this! Jimmy: [gets up and walks over to Nancy, then begins beating her with his crutches. She wails] I said, shut your mouth, bitch! Why did you make me do it, huh?! [he grabs her by the throat and throws her head against the floor a few times, then whacks her on the side of the head a few times.] You're not leavin' anybody! You just keep your G-Goddamned mouth shut and do what you're t-t-t-uh-tol-told! [resumes beating her. His mom opens the door to see what's the matter] Sarah: Jimmy What the? [tries to stop the beating] Jimmy, oh my God! Jimmy: [uppercuts his mother off and heads for the door] Stay away from me, you stupid b-b-b-bitches! [walks down the hall, hits the walk with his right crutch, and breaks down.] No! God! [collapses on his back and bawls] Scene Description: Saturday morning at the Special Olympics stadium. Host: Welcome, everyone, to the 2004 Special Olympics! [the crowd cheers. The boys are there, as promised] We will be holding various throughout the day, and at the end of it all we will have some very special celebrity athletes here to present the trophy for top athlete, along with the cash prize of one thousand dollars. Jimmy: [flexes his right bicep] Top athlete, yeah! Cartman: One thousand dollars, yeah! Host: So let's have all our athletes report to their first assigned events and... Let the Games begin! [The crowd cheers wildly] Scene Description: First event, Track and Field, 100-meter dash. Announcer: Will those athletes in heat 1 of the hundred-meter dash please report to Track Area B. Volunteer 2: Okay, racers, are we ready? [raises her firing pistol] Take your marks. Cartman: [hobbles into the fifth position on the track] Daaaa! Daaaa! Volunteer 2: On your marks! Get set! Go! [the runners take off. Cartman quickly falls behind] Cartman: Whoa. What the hell?? [the girl in position 6 breaks the tape. Cartman hobbles past the finish line four seconds later] Volunteer 2: Great job, everyone. [points to the runners who were in positions 6, 2, and 4] You three advance to the next heat. [the group leaves] Winner: All right! Blond Boy: Good Job. Blonde Girl: We did it! Cartman: Well, guess I'll, guess I'll just have to kick ass in the other events. Scene Description: "Put It To The Limit" begins to play again. Cartman is in a swimming competition now, but again, he's struggling in last place. Jimmy lifts a bar laden with weights successfully in the clean-and-jerk competition, then throws the bar down. Jimmy: Yeeessss! [walks back and forth happily] Yes! Yes! Announcer: He's got it! That's a new Special Olympics record, folks! [Timmy is understandably unimpressed and pissed off] Scene Description: Back to Track and Field events, 100-meter hurdles. Cartman is again last. Cartman: [trips over a hurdle] God-damnit! Scene Description: Back to Swimming events. Jimmy takes his heat easily. Announcer: Winner, Jimmy Valmer! [Jimmy flexes his left arm and scrambles out of the water. Timmy is more pissed off] Scene Description: Track and Field events, pole-vault. a Special Olympian runs up to the posts, plants his pole in the square mark, and clears the bar successfully. Cartman steps up to the straight track with his pole. Cartman: All right, this one I can win! [drops his pole, takes off his helmet and gives it to another athlete] Here, hold this! [takes up his pole and aims] I'll show you Goddamned retards! [runs up to the posts, plants his pole, and sails up, but the pole won't straighten out. It flexes a few time before it breaks, sending Cartman back down to the track, where he lands on his back] Scene Description: Track and Field events, 100-meter hurdles. Jimmy increases his lead over the competition. Scene Description: Track and Field events, javelin throw. An athlete runs up to the edge and throws his javelin. His tongue hangs out. Timmy rolls up and throws his javelin. Cartman runs up and throws his, but it lands just far enough for him to still touch the tail end of it. Cartman: God-damnit! Scene Description: Track and Field events, triple jump. Jimmy jumps and lands at 18.5 feet, skids a foot more, then stops and waits for the score. Announcer: That's another Special Olympics record! Jimmy: [raises his arms and crutches up in victory] Yeah! Yeah! [turns around] Yeah, I did it! [turns around] Yeah! Yeah! Scene Description: Early evening at the Special Olympics stadium. The sun has set and some of the crowd is back on the field. Host: Ladies and Gentlemen, our day of competition has come to an end, and we have an ultimate grand special champion for 2004! Here to present the award are baseball legends Mark McGuire, Jason Giambi, and Barry Bonds. [the three players come out and walk to the podium. All of them are buff] Bonds: The 2004 special athlete is... Jimmy Valmer. Jimmy: [raises up his left arm and crutch] Yeah! Fuck yeah! [Timmy sits nearby with his arms crossed, glaring at Jimmy. Jimmy walks up to the podium] Yeah, I did it! I'm the b-bub-best! [Bonds hands Jimmy the medal. The host returns to the podium] Host: Congratulations, Jimmy. But we all know that the Special Olympics isn't just about winning. And so, we will now give out the Spirit Award, to the handicapped person who came in very last. Eric Cartman! Cartman: Ah, screw you hippies! Host: For winning the Spirit Award, Eric will receive this gift certificate to Shakey's for fifty dollars! Come on up, Eric! Cartman: ...I could pile at Shakey's, heck. [puts on his helmet and walks up] Uh, Drrrr! Drrrr! Jimmy: [confronts Cartman] Hey! Just what the hell do you think you're doing, Eric?! Cartman: [humbly] Uhh, hehe. Uh de-duhhhh. Jimmy: You f-f f-faked being handicapped to win?! [grabs Cartman by the collar] I should kick your ass right here, you lousy no-good ch-ch-cheater! Timmy: [approaches] Timmah! Jimmy: What? Timmy: [points to Jimmy] Timmah! Jimmy: [thinks a moment] Oh my God. You-you're right, Timmy. You're totally right. [walks up to the mic and begins talking] Jimmy: Everyone, can I have your attention, please? [everyone falls silent] I'm afraid I have to give back my medal. The truth is, I haven't been playing fair either. I've been using st-steroids. I was willing to do anything to be the best, and the steroids made me blind to the people I was hurting. [a shot of Nancy, injured and taped around the head. She smiles] A good friend even tried to talk me out of it, and I wouldn't listen to him. [a shot of Timmy, who smiles and shows off his silver medal. Others around him wear bronzes.] Taking steroids is just like pretending to be handicapped at the Special Olympics. [a shot of a chastened Cartman before the baseball players] Jimmy: Because you're taking all the fairness out of the game. But I know now that even if you do win on steroids, you're really not a winner. You're just a p-pussy. You're just a [shot of Mark McGuire] big fat p-p-pussy, and if you take steroids, the only decent thing to do is come forward and say, [shot of Barry Bonds] "Remove me from the record books, because I am a big, stinky p-pussy- " [shot of Jason Giambi] "-steroid-taking jackass." [Giambi nods ever so subtly] That's how I feel about myself, and why I must decline this medal and my place in the history books. And if you'll let me, I'll be back next year. To compete with honor. [applause rises from the stands, followed by cheers. The volunteers and baseball players gather around Jimmy] McGuire: Hey kid. Good for you for being honest. Scene Description: The stands. Cartman walks up to his friends. Cartman: Well guys, I guess now you see what I was up to all along. I dressed up like a handicapped person and lost the Special Olympics on purpose, so that Jimmy could learn his lesson about steroids. [he looks at Kyle and then Stan for a reaction, but neither offers any. He frowns, then steps forward angrily] Eh, oh yeah?! We- well you guys are assholes! [straightens up] Grow up! [walks off in a huff]

Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. A minivan rocks gently on the street. Inside, the boys make their interpretations of spaceship noises. Being the good boys that they are, they're strapped in. They're wearing football helmets and makeshift Starfleet uniforms. Cartman: [in the driver's seat] Captain Cartman reporting from Shuttlecraft Spontaneity. Approaching planet Omega Nine. Stan: Warp drive disengaged. Landing sequence initiated. Cartman: What kind of atmosphere are you reading on the planet surface, Jew? Kyle: I'm a Vulcan! Cartman: All right, what kind of atmosphere are you reading, Vulcan Jew? Kyle: [looking into an imaginary viewer] The atmosphere is oxygen-based, should support our breathing. Cartman: All right, hang on. We're about to land. [the boys make landing noises, with Stan finishing off with a thump. Cartman removes his seatbelt] Okay, First Officer Stan and Engineer Kenny, you come with me on the away team. Vulcan Jew Kyle will wait here. Kyle: No! I'm on the away team too! [he and Kenny remove their belts] Cartman: [looks back] It's my Mom's new minivan, so I'm the captain, Kyle! Kyle: I don't care! You're not making me wait in the van again! Cartman: Fine, Kyle! But if something goes wrong out there on the planet surface, don't hold me responsible. Scene Description: The side door slides open. Cartman leads the other three out. Cartman: Set phasers on stun. Stan: Things seem pretty quiet. Cartman: Yes. A little too quiet. Kyle: I am picking up carbon-based life forms in Sector C. I believe we will find a village of peaceful aliens over that ridge. [Cartman sighs silently] Cartman: Okay, fine, I guess we'll look for- Oh no!! Look out! It's a giant four-headed lava frog! Shoot it! [the boys take their positions and start firing away] Oh no, it got Kyle! Kyle: [stops firing and stands still] No it doesn't. [the other boys continue with their phaser noises] Cartman: Aw, it got Kyle and it's tearing his head off! [pretends to be the monster ripping Kyle's head off] Aw you guys, it looks like Kyle is done for! Kyle: No I'm not! God damn it Cartman, you're not gonna kill me off again! Cartman: Agh! You see guys, this is why you don't bring Jews along on the away team: they don't play along! Kyle: Shut up about Jews, fatass! You don't know anything! Stan: Oh God, here we go again. Cartman: Oh yeah?! I saw Mel Gibson's movie, The Passion, and Mel Gibson says, in the movie, Jews are the Devil! Kyle: He does not! Cartman: How do you know?! I've seen The Passion thirty-four times now, Kyle! You haven't seen it once! There's even one part where the Jews have a chance to save Jesus, and you know what they do? They let Barabbas, a serial killer, go free instead and laugh about it. Kyle: Naw uh! Cartman: Go see the movie, Kyle! Stan: That does it! I'm sick of you guys arguing about The Passion! I'm out of here. Kenny: (Me too!) [they leave] Kyle: I'm not arguing about The Passion! He's being an asshole! Cartman: You know what it is? You're scared. You're scared of the truth. You don't want that movie to show you just how bad the Jews are, and why everyone hates you. Kyle: People don't hate the Jews! Cartman: [focuses Kyle's attention to him] Really? Three hundred million domestic box-office, Kyle. The top-grossing film of all time, Kyle. Those numbers don't lie. If you're not scared of The Passion then go see it. Go see it and tell me I'm wrong. Mel Gibson, Kyle. Mel Gibson. Kyle: ...You're a stupid asshole! [turns and walks off. Cartman turns left and glances at Kyle] Cartman: Sweet, now I can just play with myself. [fires off his phaser] Pewpeww-pewww! Get back in the shuttlecraft! [races into the minivan] Scene Description: The Bijou, day. Mel Gibson's The Passion of The Christ is now playing. Kyle walks up to the ticket booth, stops, turns back, stops again, and steps up to the window. He gives the ticket salesman $10. Kyle: One please. Ticket Salesman: This is an R-rated movie. Kyle: Yeah, I know, but I have to- Ticket Salesman: But, because this is such an important film that actually depicts the selfless act of Jesus Christ, I'll let you in to see it. Kyle: ...Thanks. [makes his way towards the doors, glancing back at the cashier in wonder] Scene Description: The Bijou, inside. Kyle enters and makes his way to a seat. He watches. Soldier 1: Hac bashtud Christo. Soldier 2: Et lac Hesus. Belaca veshtad. Jesus: Wa! [the whipping begins and Jesus screams. This goes on for a long time. Kyle's mouth widens, his eyes get bigger. The next scene, he's got his coat over his mouth and he's almost in a fetal position. The next scene has him turned to his left, grimacing, his hat pulled over his ears as he winces. The next scene has him trembling] Kyle: Haaaah! [Next scene has Kyle with his eyes squeezed shut and his hands over his face. He's now curled up in a ball] Jesus: Non. Non. Nono, non, non, WAAAAHH!! [the whipping continues and Kyle dares to peek again. His stomach reacts and he vomits. The next scene has him almost passed out with vomit dribbling from his chin. The film ends and Kyle doesn't move.] Scene Description: The Bijou, outside. Kyle walks outside in a daze. Kyle: How? How could the Jews do that to Jesus? Ticket Salesman: Pretty brutal, isn't it? Kinda wanna make you change your life, huh? Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. He's on the couch eating cereal. Announcer: And now, back to Terrance and Phillip. [the doorbell rings] Phillip: Hey Terrance, I think I have a- Cartman: Mom! Doorbell! Terrance: Wait, before you do, pull my thumb. [a second laughter and laughter is heard.] Cartman: [the doorbell rings] Mom! Answer the door! Terrance: Hey Phillip, guess what? Cartman: God damn it, lazy-ass whore. [gets up and answers the door himself.] Phillip: What? Terrance: Faaart.[Terrance farts. Cartman opens the door and sees Kyle soaking wet from the heavy rain] Kyle: You were right. You were right all along. I thought you were just an asshole when you ripped on Jews, but... I didn't know, I... I didn't know. Cartman: It's okay, Kyle. It's okay. Just... say that first part again? Kyle: You were, you were right? Cartman: [closes his eyes and relishes the moment] Mmm, one more time, Kyle. Kyle: You were right. [Cartman opens his eyes and beams brightly] Scene Description: Cartman's house, his bedroom. Cartman's on his knees. Cartman: I want to thank you for all the blessings you have brought me. You have shown me the way so many times in the past and... now you are making all my dreams come true. You give me strength when there is doubt, and I praise you for all you have done. [a shot of Mel Gibson's poster, without the "Braveheart" on it.] Only you, Mel Gibson, have had the wisdom and the courage to show the world the truth. From this day forward I will dedicate my life to making sure your film is seen by everyone. I will organize the masses so that we may do thy bidding. Hail Mel Gibson. Amen. Scene Description: Stan's house. He and Kenny are in his bedroom reading a newspaper. Stan: Look at that, dude. The Passion has made almost 400 million dollars at the box office now. Kenny: (Goddamn.) Stan: [rises] Everyone in the country's gonna see that movie. I guess... we have to go see it too. Scene Description: The Bijou, day. No clouds around. Stan and Kenny sit inside in the middle, looking at the movie. The movie ends. Stan: Dude. That movie sucked. Kenny: (Yeah, it totally sucked!) Stan: How can they even call that a movie? Kenny: (I don't know!) Stan: That's bullcrap dude, let's go get our money back. Kenny: (Yeah!) [they leave their seats] Scene Description: The Bijou, outside. A couple emerges. Jack: Wow, I didn't realize how horrible Christ's death was. Elise: Me neither. Oh honey, let's be good Christians from now on! [they walk off, screen left. A second couple emerges] Man 1: [brown shirt, green sweater] I think if more people saw The Passion they'd have faith in Jesus. Woman 1: [orange blouse, necklace] Yeah, it really guilt-trips you into believing. [they walk off, screen right. Stan and Kenny come out and approach the window] Stan: Hey, we want our money back. Ticket Salesman: Huh? Stan: That movie sucked ass. Give us back our eighteen dollars. Ticket Salesman: I can't refund your money. You sat through the whole movie. Stan: That wasn't a movie, that was a snuff film! Kenny: (Yeah!) Stan: You can't charge people to watch a guy get tortured for two hours! Ticket Salesman: That guy happened to be Jesus, and he went through all that to pay for your sins! Stan: We go to church to learn that stuff! We go to movies to be entertained! We weren't entertained, and we want our money back! Ticket Salesman: I'm not allowed to give you your money back after you sat through the whole movie! You'd have to take your complaint up with the film's producers. Stan: W-what? Mel Gibson? You're saying we have to get our money back from Mel Gibson? Ticket Salesman: Yeah. I'd like to see you try. Stan: Oh, we will! This is America! And in America, if something sucks, you're supposed to be able to get your money back! Come on, Kenny! [he and Kenny storm off] Scene Description: Kyle's house, night. Kyle tosses and turns while asleep. Scenes from the movie fill his mind: Jesus carrying the cross past the high priests, who have scowling faces. Flashes of Renaissance Passion art go by. Priests: Kill him! Guilty! Kill him! [sketches of a nail driven through the left palm are animated, then a realistic view of Jesus crucified] Kill him! Kill him! Die! Kyle: Kill Jesus! Yesss! Arrrgh! [a spear pierces Jesus' side. The one piercing him is Kyle himself, who seems to be relishing this, as he pierces Jesus a few more times. A review of images, then an image of Alan Alda, and Kyle wakes up frightened. After a few screams he looks around] Scene Description: Stan's house, day. Stan and Kenny are at Stan's computer. Stan: Okay, search for Mel Gibson. Mel Gibson bio, Mel Gibson news, Mel Gibson... home page. Here we go. [clicks on the link] Welcome to Mel Gibson's ThePassion.com, your source for everything Mel. Pictures, philosophy, upcoming projects. Damn it, no phone number! Oh wait! "For more information on Mel Gibson, call the Webmaster at 1-800-43.." Okay, okay, wait, here we go. [picks up the phone and dials in] Scene Description: MEL GIBSON FAN CLUB LINE Scene Description: The phone rings. Cartman answers. Cartman: Mel Gibson's The Passion Fan Club. Stan: Hi, uh, my friend and I just went to see The Passion. Cartman: Uh huh, and so you want to join the fan club now. Our first meeting is at 5:30 p.m. Stan: No, no, no, no, we want our money back. Cartman: What? Stan: We think the movie sucked and we want Mel Gibson to give us back our eighteen dollars. Do you know how we can get in touch with him? Cartman: You thought it sucked? Sir, apparently, you don't understand what Mel Gibson was trying to do! He was trying to express, through cinema, the horror and filthiness of the common Jew. It has made people the world over open their eyes. Stan: Look, kid, we just thought it was a bad movie, so tell us how to get in touch with Mel Gibson so we can get our money back! Cartman: If I knew where Mel Gibson was, I'd be down on the floor licking his balls at this very moment, sir. All I know is he lives somewhere in Malibu. Now stop wasting me and Mel Gibson's time, you little wussy prick. Stan: Hey, don't take that tone with me, kid! I'll kick your ass! Cartman: Oh yeah?! I'd like to see you try, asshole! I'm like six feet tall! Stan: I don't care! You sound like a little bitch to me! Cartman: Bitch?! Don't call me bitch! I'll pop your fuckin' head open! Stan: Yeah?! You wanna bring it, you little pussy?! Cartman: I already brought it, bitch! I brought it, set it down on the table and opened it, bitch! Stan: [in recognition] Wait a minute. Cartman?! [realizing he's been recognized, Cartman is speechless] Cartman: Eup. [hangs up and skulks away] Stan: [packing] Come on, Kenny, we're going to Malibu! Kenny: (Malibu? But how?) Stan: We'll take the bus! Look, this isn't about the eighteen dollars ticket money anymore. This is about being able to hold bad filmmakers responsible! [He leads Kenny out of his room] This is just like when we got our money back for BASEketball! Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. Cartman dons a Nazi outfit, taking care to look sharp. Liane: Eric, sweetie, there's a bunch of people showing up in our backyard saying something about a meeting? Cartman: Yeah Mom, I'm holding a meeting for all the people who loved The Passion as much as I did. Liane: Oh, that's great, sweetie. Cartman: [turns right so his profile will look sharp as well] Tell them I'll be down shortly Liane: Okay, hon. Cartman: [wields his short whip]Töten sie die Juden. Wir können nicht still stehen bis sie alle tot sind! Okay, I'm ready. I'm ready to do thy bidding, Mel Gibson. [a shot of the poster.] Scene Description: Cartman's backyard. Some people are seated, others chat, others help themselves to chips and fingerfoods. Man 1: Hello, are you folks holding this Passion meeting? Jack: No. Actually, we're guests as well. I'm Jack Garrett and this is my wife Elise. Elise: Hello. Man 2: I think it's so great that someone took the initiative to have a meeting like this. Elise: Oh I agree. There are so many of us who are moved by The Passion. It's a perfect idea to have us organize so we can strengthen the Christian community. Man 2: And apparently the organizer is just an eight year old boy who was touched by the film. Jack: Leave it to a child to show us all the way, huh? Ticket Salesman: Yeah, so I see this ad on the Internet saying if you love The Passion to come to this meeting, so here I am! Woman 2: It's great that everyone came here to figure out how to use The Passion to enrich everyone's lives. [Cartman approaches the dais.] Cartman: Ah, hello everyone. Achtung. [the last few standing people take their seats] My name is Eric Cartman and I'm the President of the Mel Gibson Fan Club. [applause] Ah thank you, thank you. I'm happy to see that all of you.were affected by The Passion like I was. Now, we all know why we're here, and I believe we all what needs to be done. Woman 3: [in pink dress] We sure do. [the crowd voices its approval] Cartman: But, I think it's best we don't talk out loud about it until we have most of them on the trains heading to the camps. [the guests fall silent] Elise: [in orange blouse] Wha- what does that mean, sweetie? Jack: I'm not sure, but- uh. [stands up] Folks, I just wanna interrupt for a second and say how remarkable it is that this little boy brought us all together. The Passion is causing a revolution of spirituality, and we owe Mel Gibson and this little boy our thanks. [the crowd voices its approval] Cartman: [bows a few times] Thank you, thank you very much. Now, in order to do what we [his face turns ugly] all know needs to be done, we are first going to need more support. I think we should all go out and take at least one other person to see The Passion. Man 3: Oh, what a great idea! We each make it our responsibility to convert one more person! Guests: Heheh, great! Yeah! Great idea. Cartman: Yes, and then we can begin the cleansing, if you know what I mean. Ticket Salesman: We sure do! Guests: Yeah. All right. Woohoo! Scene Description: Mel's Malibu mansion, day. A rusty Beetle rolls up to the front security gate, stops, and lets out some passengers, then rolls away. Stan and Kenny remain. Stan: Thank you. [looks over his Map To The Stars' Homes] This must be the place. [they walk through a side door right under a guard's nose. He fails to notice them. They walk up the driveway and past the massive fountain] Goddamn, Mel Gibson must be loaded. [rings the doorbell. The door opens and Mel appears] Mel: Yes? Stan: Oh, hi, uh, my name is Stan, and this is Kenny. Kenny: (Hello.) Stan: Uh, we saw your movie, The Passion, and we didn't like it, so, can we have our money back, please? Mel: You can't not like The Passion! I just followed the Bible! Christ died for you. Go home. [leaves, but the boys follow him in.] Scene Description: Mel Gibson's mansion, inside. Stan: Look, dude, we came a long way. We're not leaving until you give us our money. Mel: Oh yeah? Well you're gonna have to find it first. [unbuttons his shirt] But I won't tell you where I keep my money. [takes off his shirt] You can torture me all you want, I still won't tell you! Stan: Tor- torture you? Mel: [removes his pants and socks] Ha! So you do intend to torture me, huh?! [runs up to a torture rack and lies down in it] Well go ahead! Do your worst! [shackles himself in] You still won't get your ticket money back! I can take whatever you can dish out! Stan: We don't want to torture you. Mel: I get it, but you don't have a choice, is that it?! Well go ahead! I just sure hope you don't use those whips over there on the wall! Stan: Dude, can we please just have the eighteen dollars back from you? Mel: [unshackles himself and walks up to the boys] I have to use that money to build my church! I brought the fire and brimstone back to Christianity with The Passion and now I'm gonna start my own church! And do you know why?! So I can play banjo! [whips out a hat and banjo, puts on the hat, and starts playing] Jesus, oh how I love ya, how I love ya Jesus! Stan: Dude, this guy is freakin' daffy! Mel: How dare you call me crazy! This means war! [jumps up and whoops like an Indian, twirls around a few times, and fires off blanks at the boys. Stan and Kenny run] Scene Description: South Park Church, rectory. Fr. Maxi sits at his desk explaining things to Kyle. Father Maxi: And so it was that God sent his only son down from heaven, to die for our sins. Kyle: Oh okay, but did God sent Jesus TO die, or did Jesus just get kind of screwed over. Father Maxi: ...What is troubling you, my child? Kyle: Well, I have this friend, see? And this friend belongs to a certain, Chosen People of Israel. And it... so happens that these chosen people killed your Lord. Father Maxi: Ah! You mean he's a Jew! Kyle: Right. But he can't live with the guilt anymore. Because, even if Jesus wasn't really the Son of God, he was still a nice guy. And he didn't deserve what happened to him in Mel Gibson's movie. I I can't sleep at night. I mean, my... friend can't sleep at night. Father Maxi: Yes, The Passion is very powerful. The truth is, there's not a whole lot in the Bible about the Crucifixion. The Passion was actually done as a performance piece back in the Middle Ages to incite people against the Jews. Kyle: But how can the Jews make it better?? Father Maxi: Well, if you really care about your friend's soul, then perhaps show him the way of Jesus. Remember: Christianity is about atonement. Kyle: Wait. That's it. Atonement. Of course. [gets off the chair] I know what I have to do now. Thank you, Father. [turns and walks out] Scene Description: Back at Mel's mansion, Stan and Kenny are still running from Mel, who's chasing after them in a cartoonish way. Mel passes a mirror, then gets back to it a second later. Stan and Kenny: Aaaah! Mel: Two days ago, I saw a vehicle that would haul that tanker. You wanna get outta here? Talk to me. [resumes hopping like a mad rabbit] Stan: Mel Gibson is fucking crazy dude! [catches a glimpse of a wallet on a table] Wait! There's his wallet! [runs up to it with Kenny] Mel: Freedom! [Stan grabs the wallet and rifles through it] Stan: Awww crap, he's only got twenties! You got two dollars, Kenny? [Kenny hands Stan $2] Mel: Jesus is Lord! [Stan puts the $2 in and takes out $20] Stan: All right, let's get the hell out of here! [heads for the doors and opens one. Mel dances in wearing a Carmen Miranda outfit. Stan and Kenny head for another pair of doors. Stan opens it and Mel enters dressed as a clown] Mel: When you're a clown, nobody takes you seriously! Scene Description: Outside. Stan: Aah! Run, dude, run! Mel: [hopping out behind them, in Braveheart face paint and wielding a sword] K'plagh! K'plagh! And good evening, frieeeeeeends! Scene Description: The Bijou, day. A large cross is erected atop the Bijou sign. A crowd gathers and acclaims it. Cartman: One month ago today, this amazing film opened in theaters. And now, we proud few gather here as a people brought together by its message! [some applause] Fellow fans of Mel Gibson, our numbers have grown and now, together, we have the power to change the world! [the crowd applauds] Now I believe we should take to the streets and march in unwavering support of this important movie! Ticket Salesman: Woah! Great idea! Man 3: It'll be like a parade! Man 4: Good idea! Cartman: And as we march for The Passion we should also voice our support! So, when I say "Es ist Zeit für Säuberung," you all chant back "Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten." Elise: Well, what does that mean, dear? Jack: Oh, I think it's Aramaic. You know, like in the movie. Ticket Salesman: Ooo, Aramaic. Cool. Townsfolk: Neato! That'll be awesome. Great! Jack: What was our Aramaic line again? Cartman: [pounds the table a few times] Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!! [his hair gets messed up from the impacts] Townsfolk: [repeats, gaining confidence with each syllable] Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten. Cartman: Es ist Zeit fër Rache! Townsfolk: Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten. Elise: Oh, this is fun! [smiles] Cartman: [picks a mark in front of the crowd] All right, everyone! Forward, march! [they all move forward] Es ist Zeit für Rache! Townsfolk: Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten. Cartman: Es ist Zeit für Rache! Townsfolk: Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten. Cartman: Nice. Scene Description: A synagogue. A service is going on, and the synagogue is full. Rabbi: Shalom hak nak shalom. And now one of our fine young shlokas, Kyle Broflovski, has asked if he could speak to the congregation. [Kyle approaches the lectern] Kyle: Thank you, rabbi. [Sheila smiles and gets Gerald's attention. Kyle clears his throat.] In 1973, the United States officially issued an apology to the African American community for slavery. In 1956, Germany officially apologized for World War II AND the Holocaust. And now, I believe, in 2004, the Jewish community needs to apologize for the death of Jesus. Man 4: What? [others murmur their shock] Sheila: Whatwhatwhaaat?! Kyle: If we as a people choose not to believe that Jesus is the Son of God, then we can still apologize for the brutal way in which he was killed, and take our share of the responsibility for it. Man 5: Oh my God! [the other congregants groan] Gerald: Kyle, what on earth has gotten into you?! Kyle: I saw The Passion! Man 6: Oh no! The Passion?! [others murmur] Man 7: This proves the anti-Semitic effect that movie is having! Man 8: Yeah, it makes Jews into stereotypes. Man 9: Stereotyping Jews is terrible. Woman 4: Something must be done to stop that movie! Rabbi: Now, now, everyone calm down. We live in a rational community, and everyone knows this is just a movie. There's no cause for alarm. Mob: [from outside] Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten! Cartman: [from outside] Es ist Zeit für Rache! [congregants rise and face the doors in the back, others look out the windows. They see Cartman leading a march past the synagogue] Mob: Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten! Cartman: Es ist Zeit für Rache! Mob: Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten! [the rabbi and his congregants look on, confused] Cartman: Es ist Zeit für Rache! Scene Description: The southwest, desert territory. A tour bus heads east, with Stan and Kenny riding inside. Stan: Well it looks like with these bus tickets we spend about eighty... seven dollars getting our money back from Mel Gibson. [net loss, sixty-nine dollars] But I think it's the principle of the thing that matters. Kenny: (Yeah. I agree.) [a truck horn blows and Stan stands to see who it is. Kenny joins him] Stan: Oh, you've got to be shittin' me. [Mel Gibson closes in fast in his Mad Max gas truck and wearing Braveheart face paint] Mel: Give me back my money! [blows his horn again] Stan: Goddamn, that guy's crazy. [hops off his seat and runs up to the driver] Hey dude, you've gotta speed up. Driver: Huh? Stan: Mel Gibson is chasing after us. You've gotta go faster. Driver: Haha, very funny, kid. Sit down and stop playing games. Stan: I'm not playing games. Mel Gibson is right behind you and he's gonna- [Mel plows into the bus, making both vehicles screech. The riders sway in their seats] Driver: What the hell? Mel: [shaking his fist in the air] Haaaa! K'Plaaaa! Driver: Hey! That's Mel Gibson! Stan: Yeah. I told you that! Driver: Well, what the hell does he want?! Stan: He wouldn't give us our money back for The Passion, so we kinda took it. Driver: You didn't like The Passion? But it shows how Christ suffered for you. Mel Gibson is a very spiritual man. [Mel rams into them again] Scene Description: The Bijou, night. The synagogue's congregation moves quickly down the street towards the theater. Kyle: [to his parents] Both you guys, stop! Please. You're gonna make people hate us more! Ticket Salesman: Can I help you? Rabbi: This movie is causing anti-Semitism! You must remove it from your theater! Congregants: That's right! Yeah! Remove your movie! Shlomo: Remove it from the theater? Fat chance! Man 10: We demand you stop showing it! Congregants: Yeah! Yeah! Kyle: [facing the congregants] No, no, no! Don't become an angry mob! [behind him Cartman is seen leading his mob to the theater] The last time we did that we killed Jesus! Cartman: [points] Juden! Jack: What's going on here? Ticket Salesman: They're trying to have The Passion pulled from the theater. Rabbi: This film is anti-Semitic and it must be stopped! Man 11: Nonsense! Mel Gibson is a smart and spiritual man! There's nothing anti-Semitic about it! Elise: It has reaffirmed all of our faith in Christ. Rabbi: It's made one of our little Jewish boys want to apologize for the death of Jesus! Jack: Well, maybe you should apologize. Mob: That's right! What he said. Woman 5: How dare you?! [the sound of a truck is faintly heard, but gets stronger.] Kyle: [noticing] Look out!! [The crowds move to the other side of the street as the tour bus skids to a stop just past the theater. Mel Gibson roars into town and crashes into the ticket booth, and his gas truck blows up. The crowds crawl out of their safety places and merge] Mel: Give me my eighteen dollars! Cartman: Mel! Gibson! [brightens and approaches him, then grovels at his feet] Oh mein Savior! Mein Führer! You're actually here! Mr. Gibson, I have assembled the masses! We are ready to do thy bidding! [grovels some more] Have I been a good boy, Mr. Gibson?! Mel: Ha! [ignores Cartman and walks up to Stan and Kenny] So! You boys have led me here to your secret base, huh? I guess now you're gonna start torturing me! Well! [grabs his nipples and falls on his knees. The crowd steps back as he twists his nipples] Oh, my nipples are so tender! Don't squeeze them anymore! Ticket Salesman: That's... Mel Gibson? Jack: H- he's not... quite as eloquent as I had pictured. Mel: [backs up towards a building] Yeah... [grabs a piece of crap from his ass and removes it from his briefs, turns around, and defaces the building] I'll bet you wanna torture me now, don't you?! Kyle: [joins Stan and Kenny] Dude, what's wrong with him? Stan: He's koo-koo, dude. He's absolutely out of his mind. Mel: You! You would all love to torture me, wouldn't you? [gets down on all fours and hoists his ass up] Okay, fine. See what you can fit in there, I can take it! Kyle: Dude! I've been freaked out this whole time because of that guy's movie? Mel: [rises and walks up to the boys] Fine! If nobody here is man enough to torture me, then just give me my eighteen dollars! Stan: It's our eighteen dollars! Your movie sucked! Mel: You can't say my movie sucked, or else you're saying Christianity sucked! Stan: No, dude, if you wanna be Christian, that's cool, but, you should follow what Jesus taught instead of how he got killed. Focusing on how he got killed is what people did in the Dark Ages and it ends up with really bad results. Jack: You know, he's right, Elise. We shouldn't focus our faith on the torture and execution of Christ. Ticket Salesman: Yeah. Lots of people got crucified in those times. We shouldn't rely on violence to inspire faith. Cartman: Aw, aw, no, come on, people, we're so close to completing my final solution! Kyle: Oh, dude, I feel so much better about being Jewish now that I see that Mel Gibson is just a big wacko douche. [a grinning Mel squats and farts on Cartman, defecating on Cartman] Mel: Woohoohoo! Woohoohoohoohoo! [hops towards the camera.]

Scene Description: The True Value parking lot somewhere in South Park, day. The boys are playing with motorized toy cars. Cartman: Dude, these little remote-controlled cars are kickass. [a car goes up a ramp and jumps off] Kyle: Sweet. I made mine go off the jump. [Stan's car is uncooperative] Stan: Dude, my car sucks. I gotta get a new one. [some kids come up behind Stan] Kyle: Hey, who are those kids? Scene Description: Stan and Cartman turn to see. The crew of five approach and stop. Their leader, dressed in grays, steps forth with his boombox and sets it down, presses "Play," and steps back into the crew. A rap begins to play and the crew begins to dance. Boombox: Let's see you daaance, sucka! You've got nothin' on me! Let's see you daaance, sucka! You've got nothin' on me! Let's see you...! Let's see you...! Let's see you...! Let's see you...! Daaance, sucka! [brief instrumental] Let's see you daaance, sucka! You've got nothin' on me! Let's see you daaance, sucka! You've got nothin' on me! Let's see you daaance- OC Leader: Yeah, how you like that y'all! [Stan and his friends merely look on] OC Member 1: [dressed in red] Let's bring it to these losers. OC Girl: Aww yeah! Scene Description: The OC crew leader dances forward and does some gymnastics moves in Stan's face. OC Leader: Whatchoo got, huh?! You got nothin'! Scene Description: The OC crew leader does some more moves and steps backwards into his crew. OC Leader: Damn! You just got served! Scene Description: His crew agrees with him. Stan and friends don't move. The crew member dressed in red steps forward and dances in Kyle's face. OC Leader: Aww man! Scene Description: One of the dancers twirls on his head and ends in a challenge pose. OC Girl: He got you, dude. OC Leader: Now that kid is gettin' served! OC Girl: Uh huh. Scene Description: The dancer in red stands on his left hand and challenges Kyle with his groin. OC: Whoa! Scene Description: The dancer rolls away and stands on his right hand, rolls back and rests on his left side, then dances away. OC Leader: Aww man, look at them! They know they can't trip to that! [the girl turns the radio off and the dancers turn and walk away.] Yeah! We're outta here! OC Member 2: [in gray-green, looks left] That was smokin'! OC Member 1: [looks right] They didn't do nothin'! OC Member 3: [Asian, turns around] Sorry y'all, but try not to let it sting too bad! [laughs and turns around] OC Leader: [turns around] You got served! [the others laugh and he turns around] Come on! They had nothin'! Let's go y'all! OC Member: Come on y'all! [...and they're gone] Kyle: ...What the hell just happened? Scene Description: Chef's house, later. Stan rings the doorbell. Chef: [opens up] Oh. Hello there, children! Stan: Chef, we just got served. Chef: Oh boy... Well come on inside, children. I'll make you some cocoa. Scene Description: Chef's house, living room. Chef shows the children to the couch. Chef: Have a seat, children. Just try to relax and breathe. [the boys sit down] Are you all okay? Kyle: Yeah. Chef: All right. Now, where did you get served? Stan: Over at the True Value parking lot. There were just these kids we never saw before showed up and they were like, really good dancers and, we don't really understand what it means, but I guess- Chef: Okay okay, relax children. Relax. It's all over now. Just try to calm down and sit tight. [turns around and picks up the phone] I'm gonna call your parents and let them know you're okay. [taps out a number and the phone rings] Mrs. Marsh? Hi, it's Chef. Yeah, I'm good. Listen: Stan and his friends just got served. Yeah. Yeah, over at the True Value. No no, he's fine. They're all fine. Yeah, it was some kids from out of town. Apparently they were pretty good dancers. They really let 'em have it. Scene Description: Stan's house, that night. The family is at the dining table. Sharon brings a large dish over to Stan. Sharon: Here, Stanley, I made your favorite potato dish. I want you to feel better, okay. Randy: What's the matter with him? Sharon: Oh. Stan got served at school today. Randy: You got served? By who? Stan: Some, kids from Orange County. Sharon: Let's not make a big deal out of it. Randy: So wha- so what'd you do? D'you dance back? Stan: No. Randy: What? Yo-you got served and just stood there and took it? Sharon: That was the right thing to do. Randy: No, that's crap, Sharon. Stanley, when somebody challenges you to dance, you have to dance back at them, or else they'll think you're weak. Stan: But Dad, I don't know how to dance or nothin'. Randy: [in low tones] Well then, it's about time you learned! [rises from the table] Put on some loose-fitting clothes and meet me in the garage! Stan: But Dad- Randy: Now! [walks off] Scene Description: Stan's house, garage. Stan and Randy are present. Randy is dressed in sweats, Stan is dressed in sweat pants and sleeveless T-shirt. Randy puts a CD into a stereo system. Randy: All right son, dancing is all about a frame of mind. Now, I'm not telling you to go around challenging other kids to dance, but when they challenge you, you just look 'em straight in the eye, and give 'em this. Scene Description: "Achy-Breaky Heart" begins to play, and Randy begins to dance and starts to sing. Stan looks on. Randy: Come on, Stan. Scene Description: Stan steps closer and begins to follow Randy's moves. Randy: ...six, seven, eight. Scene Description: Stan steps out of a slipper, but slips back into it quickly. Scene Description: South Park, day, Luau's Toys. Stan and his friends exit and walk down the street. Kyle: Dude, that is a sweet RC car! Stan: [carrying the car] Yeah, let's go race it right now![they run into the OC kids] OC Member 2: Well, what we got here? OC Member 1: It's the white boys that were served yesterday. [they laugh] OC Leader: You want a little more, homeboys? Kyle: We're not interested, thanks. OC Member 1: [steps forth] You're not interested? Not interested in this? Scene Description: The OC member waits for the boombox to play, then dances in Kyle's face, including a back flip. All of the OC crew members begin to dance. Boombox: You can't step to my roots, so don't try it. You can't burn with my group so don't light it. I'm on the OC crew and I'm better than you. You like to suck my balls, don't deny it. You can't bop her like me so don't go there. You never find a bigger bitch player nowhere. I put my jimmy in a ho, put off soul. I'm a good listener and that's rare. Black Man: Oh Lord, look at those moves. Black Woman: Oooo, they are takin' it out! Black Man 2: Oh man, they are getting served! Black Woman 2: Ooooo, it's getting hot out here! Black Man 3: Have mercy! Scene Description: The dancers edge closer and closer to the South Park boys. Others: Oooooo, look at that! Lord! Gettin' served! Scene Description: The rap music is turned off and the OC crew turns to see who did it. Stan puts in his CD and prepares to serve the OC boys. "Achy Breaky Heart" plays and Stan dances the steps he learned the night before. The crowds behind both groups look on for a while, then begin to cheer Stan on. Chef is walking down the street minding his own business, but he looks over at the commotion and his jaw drops. Kyle: Yeah! Go Stan! Chef: Oh no! [begins to cross the street] No, stop Stan! You don't know what you're doin'! Scene Description: The OC crew are speechless. The song ends. Stan looks around and smiles. Kenny, Cartman and the crowd applaud Stan. Kyle pats Stan on the back. The OC kids look like they just got served. Kyle: All right Stan! Cartman: Ha! You just got f'd in the a! OC Leader: Wha? Kyle: Yeah! You got served! Kenny: (Woohoo!) Cartman: Yeah! Kyle: That's right! Cartman: All right! Kenny: (Woohoo!) Chef: [arrives] No no no! OC Leader: Okay. All right. We got served. So now, I guess... It's on. Stan: What? OC Member 1: This Saturday! Our top five dancers against your top five dancers! OC Convention Center. It's on! OC Members: It's on! It's on! It's on! It's on! Townsman: [closes his eyes and laments] Oh Lord it's on! Chef: Oh dammit! I knew that was gonna happen. OC Member 3: We'll see you Saturday, fools! [the crowd behind the OC crew parts and they leave] OC Members: Yeah, and you'd better have a lot better dancers with you than those loozas! 'Cause it's on! OC Members: It's on! It's on! It's on! It's on! Scene Description: The crowd begins to murmur about Saturday and the competition. Chef: Stan, what the hell did you dance back for? Stan: I thought I was supposed to! Chef: Now you've gotta compete against them in the dance competition on Saturday! Stan: But why? Chef: Because if you get served and served them back, then it's on! Don't you know anything?? Scene Description: Stan's house, breakfast nook. Randy is filling out checks for his bills. Sharon: [enters the kitchen with Stan] Well, nice going, Randy! Really great advice you gave our son here! Randy: [turns around] What? Sharon: Those kids showed up to serve Stan again and he danced back! Randy: So what happened? Sharon: It's on! Scene Description: Stan looks helplessly at his father as his mother drags him off. Randy looks on. Scene Description: OC Convention Center, day. A large screen over the Center says "Bounce" while a sign closer to the viewer says "This Saturday, 7 PM, Orange County VS. South Park, Dance Competition. It's On!!!!" Inside, preparations are made for the competition. On the floor, the OC crew practices its move under their coach's supervision. Coach: Come on now, keep it tight! Scene Description: The OC leader and the member in red drop backwards and then spin on their heads, the girl spins on her left hand Coach: Good. Now watch that timing, drill team! Scene Description: In the background Randy appears and walks through one of the many doors. The crew finishes with a flourish. The members then congratulate themselves. OC Member 1: All right! OC Girl: [stands] All right! OC Leader: Yeah, bad ass! OC Member 2: Yeah, that was tight! Coach: Not bad, kids. Not bad. [Randy approaches] OC Member 1: Not bad? South Park doesn't stand a chance! OC Girl: I heard that! Coach: All right, it was good. But we don't want "good," we want pain! Randy: Uh, hey, ex- excuse me. Coach: [turns around] Yeah? Randy: Hi, uh, my name is Randy Marsh. I'm Stan Marsh's father. Coach: Oh, so you're the father of the boy who's gonna get f'd in the a on Saturday? OC Member 3: Dang! OC Leader: Oooooo! Randy: Uh, listen. Uh, it was my fault that Stanley served your boys the other day. Uh, I told him to do it and I... We- well look I, I just came down here to tell you... it- it- it's not on. Coach: Oh, it's on! Randy: No, no, no, it's not on. Coach: Whoo, it's on all right! Randy: It isn't on. Nothing's on. It's off. Coach: [insistent] It's on! Randy: I'm keeping my son home Saturday. I just came by to let you know so you can... put a stop to all this. Goodbye. [turns around and walks away] Coach: Hold on a second, clam-head! [catches him and blocks his way] You think you can just roll in here and tell us it's not on when it very clearly is on?! You're just trying to make us not practice, aren't you?! Because you know that your kids are goin' down when my kids give them this! Give me some moves out, Girl T! [the girl turns on the boombox] Check this out! [balances on his left hand and bounces around, then stands up] Yeah! You like that?! OC Leader: Oooo man! [shakes his head] OC Member 1: Ohhh Lord! Scene Description: The coach spins on his back, rises to one hand, flips over, and lands doing the splits, then rises to his feet using an imaginary hook. OC Leader: Oooo, he is gettin' served! [the girl shakes her head] Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Randy is recovering in a room. He's got breathing tubes in his nose and his eyes are squeezed shut. His friends surround him. Randy: Aw, mph! Uuuugh-ah. Sharon: [enters with Stan] Randy? [rushes to his bedside] Randy, oh my God! Skeeter: What happened to him, Doctor? Dr. Doctor: He got served. Worst I've ever seen. Jimbo: Old fool went down to the OC to try to reason with the other team, and he got served up somethin' fierce. Chef: Oh Lord... Randy: [his voice raspy] His dancing was so fast I... couldn't do anything. His moves were... so original, so inventive. [winces] Ungh! Grrgh. Nurse: [soothing him] Shh. Relax, Mr. Marsh. [Dr. Doctor walks off] Dr. Doctor: We just got the X-rays back. [walks to a backlit board and points out the injuries] He mostly got served here [a rib] and here [forearm]. But the worst serving was here in the pelvis region. The road to recovery will be a long one. Jimbo: Boy. You must really wanna take to to those Orange County kids now, huh, Stan? Skeeter: Are you kiddin'? Stan is probably ready to pounce on them after what they did to his father! [looks over at his dad, then at the other men] Stan: I, I don't know. He seems all right. Mr. Garrison: I could only imagine the rage building inside you, Stan. I bet you can't wait to out-dance those OC bastards! Randy: Stan? Stan? Stan: [walks to Randy's bedside] Yeah, I'm- I'm right here, Dad. Randy: Stan, listen to me. I don't want you feeling like you have to do that competition now to avenge me. Stan: Okay, good. Randy: [emphatic] But I know I can't stop you from doing it. So all I can say is... give 'em hell, son. Give 'em hell. [passes out. The "8 Mile" theme begins to play and the camera closes in on Stan] Stan: [thinks and then walks off miffed] God dammit! Scene Description: Loading dock at South Park Elementary, day. Stan walks over and finds the Goths there, as usual. Henrietta reads a book. Stan: Hey guys. Uh- You guys know how to dance, right? Michael: [with cigarette] Of course we know how to dance. Stan: Cool, because, there's this competition on Saturday, and I have to find the very best dancers in South Park to be on my crew. My friends can't do it because they suck ass, so, will you be in my dance troupe? Pete: Dance troupe? Please. [leans to one side and whips his hair back into place] We don't dance like those Britney and Justin wannabes at school. [whips his hair back into place] Goth kids dance to express pain and suffering. Michael: Yeah. [stands up] The only cool way to dance is to keep your hands at your sides and your eyes looking at the ground. Then every three seconds you take a drag from your cigarette. Scene Description: Michael leans his head to the right for two beats, leans it to the left for two beats, leans it to the right for two beats while taking a drag, leans it to the left for two beats, repeats. The red Goth follows suit, then all four Goths dance the same way. Stan: Okay, that'll work fine. Listen, there's a dance competition this Saturday and I need good dancers so I don't get served. Pete: [flips his hair back] No way. Dancing is something you do alone in your room at three in the morning. Stan: [walks up to the red Goth] Please, you guys, our whole town's reputation is at stake! Will any of you do it? Pete: I'm not doin' it. Being in a dance group is totally conformist. Henrietta: Yeah. I'm not conforming to some dance-off regulations. Firkle: I'm not doin' it either. I'm the biggest nonconformist of all. Michael: I'm such a nonconformist that I'm not going to conform with the rest of you. Okay, I'll do it. [rises and walks over to Stan] Stan: Great! [they leave together] Henrietta: Whoa. I think we just got put in our place. Pete: Yeah. We just got Goth-served. Scene Description: The neighborhood. Stan and Michael walk down the street. Stan: All right, we gotta find three other kids that can dance. Michael: We should go to the arcade. [takes a drag from his cigarette] Stan: The arcade? Michael: Yeah. There's this Asian kid name Yao. He's an expert at that Dance Dance Revolution game. [takes a drag from his cigarette] Scene Description: The Sinistarcade. A Dancin' Dancin' Dancin' Machine game is prominently shown, and an Asian boy dances furiously on the foot pad on the right. The arrows indicate which foot buttons the boy should be stepping on. He's hit every one, so his score is perfect. Stan and Michael look on. Stan: Dude, he's incredible. Michael: He should be. He's here playing that game every single day after school. I think he's spent about six thousand dollars on it so far. [the game gets faster and faster and the kid keeps up. Eventually the game ends, the boy picks up his soda cup and walks away.] Stan: [catches up to Yao at the change machine] Hey kid, you're pretty good. How would you like to join our dance troupe? Yao: You mean, dancing without a machine telling you what to do? Stan: Yeah. Yao: That's stupid. [waves him off and walks away] Stan: [catches up] Dude, we need you. Yao: I can't dance without the machine. Stan: It's all right. My friend Chef is gonna coach us. Yao: Okay. I'll give it a shot. Stan: All right, that's three! Michael: Dude, we need a girl. Stan: Huh? Michael: We can't be a dance troupe with just guys. People will think we're fags. Stan: Oh yeah. [thinks a bit with finger to chin] Wait a minute. I know just where to go! Scene Description: Raisins. Happy Hour all day!!! Inside the little waitresses go about their work. Two of them dance, shaking their asses in rhythmic unison. Mercedes dances for a boy, who looks on in bliss. Porsche: Hi guys, welcome to Raisins. Three of you? Stan: Ah actually we were just hoping we could talk to you guys real quick. Maury: You have to buy wings if you wanna talk to the Raisins girls. [Stan look at his crew. Moments later they are seated at the bar, with Mercedes] Stan: And so we're putting all the best dancers in South Park together to beat Orange County. Mercedes: [twirling her hair] Wow, that sounds great. I always wanted to try my dancing somewhere else. Stan: So you'll do it? Mercedes: Why not? Stan: All right, we just need one more person! Mercedes: Hey, we should get that kid that was state champion in tap dancing. Stan: What? The state tap champion is from here? Who? Mercedes: I think his name was... [closes her eyes] Leopold... Stotch or something? Stan: Leopold Stotch...? Wait a minute. You mean... Scene Description: Butters' house, day. He's at the kitchen assembling a toy car. Butters: Loo loo loo, I've got some apples. Loo loo loo, you've got some too. Loo loo loo, I've- Linda: [enters] Butters, you have some visitors. [Stan, Michael, Mercedes, and Yao appear] Butters: [turns around] Oh well, hi there everybody. [his mom leaves] Stan: Butters, listen. There's gonna be a competition this Saturday, and we want you to join our troupe. Butters: Wow, neat-o, a competition? Why, I'd love to. What kind of competition is it? Stan: It's a dance-off. We heard you were tap dancing state champion two years ago. [his smile vanishes as he begins to think back, then a small grimace appears.] Butters: ...No. Stan: But, you were, weren't you? Y-you went to the nationals in Nebraska. Butters: No. [hops off the chair and runs away] No no no no no no, no! [runs into the living room and up the stairs] No! No no no no! Linda: Butters? [rises and looks up the stairs] Butters?! [Stan and the other kids enter] Stan: We just asked him to join our dance troupe. We heard he was state tap champion. Linda: Oh. Oh dear. I'm sorry kids, it's just that... Butters hasn't danced since the tragedy. Mercedes: A tragedy? Butters: [from his room] Waaaaah! Linda: I'm sorry, kids, you'll have to go. Scene Description: Outside. The kids leave Butters' house and make their way to the sidewalk. Stan: Dammit, where are we gonna get our fifth member? Yao: Hey I heard about this guy in Como who has a duck that can dance. Stan: A duck? Dude, don't be stupid! Those OC kids are professional dancers! Now come on, there's gotta be one other talented person in South Park. Scene Description: Butters' house, Butters' bedroom closer door slides open and he looks in. On the floor, covered in cobwebs and underneath some clothes is an orange shoe box with red lid. Butters slides the door open more and reaches in. He pulls out the box and sets it on his bed. He sits down next to it, nervously. Butters opens the box and pulls out news clippings: "Local Boy Taps His Way to the Finals" "Best in State Arrive in Lincoln" "Eight Dead as Finalist Loses Step" "Biggest Tap Tragedy since 1954". He then removes some tissue from the tap shoes, then removes a shoe. He inspects it until he sees the blood on the side of the shoe. Butters: Aaaaah! [quickly throws the shoes and clippings away, then goes to cry into his pillow] Aaaaah! Scene Description: A ranch. Stan and his troupe arrive. Stan: All right, so you're sure he can dance? Rancher: Oh yeah. There he is. That's Jeffy. Yao: That don't look like a dancing duck to me. Rancher: Well, that's 'cause it needs music. Here y-here ya go, Jeffy. Scene Description: The rancher brings out a violin and begins playing. Rancher: You'll do a line and I'll do a line, honeeey. You'll do a line and I'll do a line, babe. Scene Description: The duck rises and begins to dance. Rancher: You'll do a line and I'll do a line, we'll fight an' screw 'til the mornin' time. Honey, babe, be mine. You'll do a line and I'll do a line, honey- Stan: Hey, he- Is that the only song he'll dance to? Rancher: No no, he'll dance to anything. See? You'll snort K and I'll snort K, honeeey. You'll snort K and I'll snort K, babe. You'll snort K and I'll snort K, we'll fight an' screw all night and day. Honey, babe, be mine. Stan: My friends, I think we have ourselves a dance troupe. Scene Description: Butters' house, day. Linda walks up the stairs to Butters' room and knocks on the door. Linda: Butters? Butters? Come on, sweetie, it's gonna be okay. [a shot of Butters under the covers, with bug eyes] Come on, Butters. You went through a lot of therapy for this. That was almost two years ago, sweetie. Butters: Two years ago. Two years ago! Scene Description: The camera goes into Butters' eye and a memory of the finals two years prior comes up. A girl dances, finishes, and takes several curtsies. Announcer: That was Beverly Long from Indianapolis, folks. Let her hear it! [she waves to the audience and walks off] All right, and now, dancing to the song "I've Got Something In My Front Pocket For You," here is Colorado state champion, Leopold "Butters" Stotch! [the audience applauds. The Stotches are present and clapping with the audience. The song begins to play, Butters begins to dance] Singer: I've got something in my front pocket for you Why don't you reach down in my pocket and see what it is Then grab onto it, it's just for you Give a little squeeze and say, "How do you do?" There's something in my front pocket, There's something in my front pocket, There's something in my front pocket- Scene Description: As the song reaches its climax, he dances faster and faster, until his right shoe flies off his foot. Butters: Whoops. Scene Description: Butters' shoe strikes a floodlight in the rafters and knocks it down. The light lands on a man, instantly killing him. Blood splatters onto the surrounding audience members, who get up and scatter. The rafters begin to break apart. A pole comes down and impales a fleeing woman. Her flying blood reaches Butters. More lights fall down and a cable is torn from its anchor, leaving a hole in the wall. The cable swings down and slices a couple in two along the abdomen. The upper halves of their bodies slide off and fall to the ground. Woman: Paul. Paul! Scene Description: The woman grabs onto the stage light and is electrocuted. Another man, who was sliced in two by the cable, attempts to gather his insides back into himself. The rafters come down and kill another man, and Paul's widow finally blows up. More blood lands on Butters, and the crowd begins to panic. Butters: Wuuuhaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaah! [a man is trampled to death underfoot. Butters watches the auditorium empty out] No! Nooo! Noooooooooooooooo! Scene Description: South Park, day. Chef approaches Lamont's Dance Studio with his boombox and duffle bag. Chef: All right, children, let's get to rehearsin'! [sets his stuff onto a table next to the door] We don't have much time, and you've got to become the dance group you can be. [moves further into the studio] I think we should- [stops] Whoa. [a shot of the five dancers, including Jeffy, who quacks] This... is the dance troupe? Stan: Yeah, dude, the best dancers South Park has to offer. Chef: Oh boy. [returns to his boombox] All right, well, why don't you show me what you got? I wanna see what you kids can do! Scene Description: Chef starts the CD player. The troupe members display their moves: Stan with the Achy Breaky Dance, Michael with the hanging head, Yao with his DDDM moves, Mercedes with her rump shaker, Jeffy with his duck strut. Boombox: You can't step to my roots, so don't try it. You can't burn with my group so don't light it. I'm on the East-side crew and I'm better than you. You like to suck my balls, don't deny it. You can't bop her like me so don't go there. You never find a bigger bitch player nowhere. I put my jimmy in a ho, put off soul. I'm a good listener and that's rare. Chef: Oh Lord have mercy. [turns off the boombox] Children, children! No no, you've got it all wrong. Don't you see, children? You have the heart, but you don't have the soul. No no, wait. You have the soul, but you don't have the heart. [scratches his head] No no, scratch that. You have the heart and the soul, but you don't have the talent. Stan: We're gonna get served on Saturday, aren't we? Yao: What? I don't wanna get served. Mercedes: Yeah, you didn't tell us that we might get served. Stan: Well that was the whole point of the whole thing was that the guys came back and they said we were gonna get served and we were like- [the others also speak, the others continue to argue, talking over one another.] Chef: All right all right, quiet, children! Now, nobody's getting served if I can help it. We just gotta buckle down, dig deep, and pray that maybe the other team comes down with cancer. [Stan droops his head.] Scene Description: Butters' room. He's working on a Lego building, which might be a model of South Park. Stan enters and walks up to him. Butters glances back and then looks at his work again. Butters: What do you want? Stan: I came to ask you one more time to join the crew. Everyone is practicing really hard, but... I don't think we have any kind of shot without you. Butters: Sorry, Stan, I'm not a dancer anymore. [leaves his chair and walks up to his Lego box] I gave that up. Stan: Your mom says you were one of the best dancers in the country. Butters: [rummaging for Lego blocks to take back to his desk] Did she also tell you my dancing got eight people killed? Stan: Yeah. She said your shoe came off. It wasn't your fault. Butters: Yeah well, you tell that to their families. [returns to his desk with a new batch of blocks] Stan: Look, Butters, accidents happen. We all have to live with that. Butters: [whirls around] I let those people down! Don't you get it, man?! Eight people died! Stan: Well, it was nine, actually. One of the women was pregnant. Butters: What? Stan: And eleven if you count the two family members that killed themselves afterward. Butters: [cups his hear so he hears no more] Aaaah! Stan: But that isn't the point, Butters! [Butters resumes building his tiny town] The point is that this is now! It's on! And there are people who need you to step up! Look, nobody likes having to rise to a challenge. But competing against other people and getting in their faces saying "Haha! I'm better than you!" is part of life. And if you can't face that, then you might as well sit here and play Legos until you're an old man. Butters: Get out of my room, Stan. Stan: [Firmly] Fine. [walks to the door and opens it] But someday you're gonna have to stop running from what happened and start dealing with it. Otherwise, you might as well move to France with all the other pussies. [leaves and closes the door. Butters, angered, tosses some blocks into his town, then wipes the town off the desk.] Scene Description: The OC Convention Center. "It's ON!!!! NOW!!!!". MC: Yeah, make some noise! Scene Description: The audience cheers. The OC side is shown, then the SP side. The Blacks, Jimbo, Ned, Skeeter, and Mr. Garrison are in that audience. The South Park crew is then shown with Chef MC: Ladies and Gentlemen, Scene Description: The Marshes are shown, Randy with his portable oxygen tank and wheelchair. MC: man, you are all in for a treat! Whichever crew wins tonight, you wanna remember their faces, 'cause the next time you see them... will be in Lil Kim's next video! Give it up for Lil Kim! Scene Description: A tiny Lil Kim is shown seated on a table. Her lips and breasts are waaaay too big for her infant-sized body. Lil Kim: [high squeaky voice] What's up, n***az?! [waves to the audience] MC: This is gonna be a rough battle, y'all. So let's give it up for the OC Crew! [the crew is shown, then their parents in the audience are shown] And the challengers, the South Park Diggitys! Jimbo: Man, it is about to get crazy up in here. Mr. Garrison: Aww, yeah. MC: A'ight y'all. It's showtime! Announcer: Dancers to the floor! [the OC Crew steps forth] Mercedes: [runs up to Stan] Stan. Stan, we have a big problem! Stan: What? Mercedes: It's Jeffy. He sprained his ankle. Scene Description: Jeffy the duck has an ice pack on his ankle. The rest of the crew approaches. Stan: What happened?? Mercedes: He was practicing the six-eight count and slipped on the floor. OC Member 3: Come on, fools! You dancin' or what?! Yao: Can he move it? Scene Description: Yao touches the ice pack and Jeffy protests vociferously. Yao removes his hand. Stan: Aw, what do we do, Chef?! Chef: Rules are you have to have five dancers. We have no choice, children. We have to forfeit. OC Member 1: Looks like they ain't even gonna dance. OC Leader: They're too scared! Looks like they already got served! Scene Description: The doors at the back of the OCCC open up and Butters appears. Some spectators turn to see who it is, but have a hard time because of the glare behind Butters. The doors close behind him and he walks down the hall towards the dance-off. Butters: Hey! Can I still dance with you guys? Stan: Butters! [the SP crew moves towards him] Chef: All right! MC: All right come on, let's do this! DJ! Give us a hot track! Scene Description: The DJ starts up a CD. The OC Crew dances first. CD: Let's see you daaance, sucka! You've got nothin' on me! Let's see you daaance, sucka! You've got nothin' on me! Scene Description: The OC leader comes up to Butters and serves him with a balance act on the right hand twice and a back flip, then returns to the crew, spins on his head a few times, then ends on his side, resting his head on his right hand. CD: Let's see you...! Let's see you...! Daaance, sucka! Scene Description: The music begins a brief instrumental. The Diggitys answer the serve with a sequence that has the members twirling and handing off to the next one until all point to Butters. He then steps forth tap-dancing. He dances well, but his dancing gets intense quickly. CD: Let's see you daaance, sucka! You've got nothin' on me! Let's see you dance sucka! Scene Description: Butters' intensity is so great that his left shoe flies off his foot and sails into the rafters. Butters: Waaah! [the spectators follow the shoe's arc. The shoe hits a stage light, which comes down and kills the OC leader. The OC coach comes forward] No! Jesus, not again! OC Member 1: Aaaah! OC Member 3: Get out of here! Scene Description: The rafters come down on the rest of the crew, including the coach, killing them instantly. Butters and the spectators are mortified at these developments. MC: [walks up, sadly] Folks, it looks like the OC crew is dead. [excitedly] That means the winner is the South Park Diggitys! Skeeter: Woo! Mr. Garrison: Yeah! Jimbo: All right! Chef: All right! We did it! [he and the Diggitys approach Butters] Stan: All right Butters! Yao: You did it! Randy: You did it, son! You did it! Cartman: All right, Butters! Scene Description: The people who arrive to congratulate Butters: Cartman, Kenny, Kyle, Mr. Garrison, Jimbo, Liane, Token and his parents, Ned, Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, Mayor McDaniels. Stan and Cartman hoist Butters up between them and walk towards the camera. The others follow. Butters' mouth fills the screen. Butters: No! No! Noooooo!

Scene Description: Butters' house, day. Butters is in the living room eating some soup. The doorbell rings. Butters stops and looks at the door. He rises and opens it, and sees a large wooden crate waiting on the porch. Butters: What the heck? Scene Description: Butters steps outside to look for the address label. Butters: Whoa! What a huge package! [finds it, the shipping label reads] Butters: To Butters Stotch. Oh boy! It's for me! It's for me! [returns to the crate's label] Butters: Who is it from? "Sent from: Japan. Konichi-wa." [skips around] Wow! A package for me from Japan!!+ Scene Description: Butters pushes the crate into the house. Butters: Wow, what can it be? My birthday isn't until September 11. Scene Description: Butters skips around and runs into the house. He returns with a small crowbar. Butters: Oh boy! I've never gotten a package this big! I've always wanted to have a huge package. Scene Description: Butters tugs at the panel he loosened. The panel swings down and Butters flies off. He lays on his back and looks up. A large A.W.E.S.O.M.- O., wide enough to resemble Cartman, walks out of the crate. Cartman: [monotone] Greetings. I am the AWESOM-O 4000. Butters: [dazzled] Whoa... Cartman: I have been sent from Japan to serve as your personal robot. Butters: [approaches AWESOM-O] You... you're my robot? Cartman: Yes. I will be your new best friend. Butters: Oh wow! Scene Description: Moments later, Butters has Cartman sitting on his bed. Butters goes to his desk and makes a few calls. Butters: Yep. That's right. He's a real live robot. He can walk and talk and everything. You're like the fourth kid I told already. Scene Description: Cartman snickers to himself Butters: Well I gotta go, Dougie. My robot and I have stuff to do. Scene Description: Butters hangs up, takes the phone back to his bedside table and sets the phone down. Butters: Heheh, they're all so jealous! [He hops onto the bed next to Cartman.] I'm so glad you came into my life, AWESOM-O. You're the best friend a guy could have. Cartman: Yes. You can trust AWESOM-O. In fact, you should tell AWESOM-O all your most personal secrets. AWESOM-O will not make fun of you or tell your secrets to other people and stuff. Butters: Hey yeah! Well, I can tell you anything, huh? [strokes his chin] Well lessee... Well, for one, I have what's called a hesitated colon, which means I sometimes can't control my sphincter. Cartman: [snickers] Really? Butters: Well, nobody knows it, but sometimes I poop my pants, so I have to wear a diaper to school. [Cartman begins to chuckle] You okay, AWESOM-O? Cartman: Yes. AWESOM-O is fine. Please go on. Butters: Well, I have to take medicine for it every day. It's a little suppository I have to... put up my rectum. Cartman: [laughs] That, that's very interesting. Tell AWESOM-O more secrets. Butters: Hm, okay. Let's see [strokes his chin] Oh, my parents don't know, but sometimes I get picked on by this one kid at school; his name is Eric Cartman, and he always tries to play jokes on me and stuff. Cartman: Oh, really? Butters: Yeah. One time he made me think a meteor had hit the earth, and convinced me to stay down in a bomb shelter for three days. Cartman: Heh. Wow, that sucks. Butters: Yeah. And then this other time, he pretended to be me on the phone to my dad and called him a pussy, so my dad came home and beat me. Cartman: Wow. Sounds like this Cartman kid is pretty smart. Butters: No, he's not smart! He's just an asshole. And he's never gonna play a trick on me ever again! [hops off and walks towards his desk.] Cartman: Really? You think so? Well, guess what, Butters. I have a surprise for you. Butters: Yeah, and he's never gonna get me again! 'Cause what Cartman doesn't know is that I know one of his secrets! Cartman: What? Butters: When Cartman is playing all alone in his backyard, he likes to dress up like Britney Spears and pretend he's her! He sings and dances around with a life-sized cutout of Justin Timberlake. Cartman: You saw that? Butters: Yeah! And I videotaped him doing it! Cartman: Nuh uh. Butters: I've got the whole thing on tape! Even him making out with the Justin Timberlake cutout! Cartman: No way. Butters: Yeah! And if Cartman ever messes with me again, I'm gonna show that video to everybody! Then I'll have my revenge, boy howdy! Cartman: [beat] ...Um, where is this videotape, Butters? Butters: Huh? Oh, I dunno. It's around here somewhere. Hey! So what do you wanna do now, AWESOM-O? Cartman: Uh, Butters, maybe you should give AWESOM-O the videotape? Butters: How come? Cartman: Well, because... AWESOM-O can, like, back it up for you, and make copies and stuff. I am AWESOM-O. Butters: Oh, that's all right, AWESOM-O. Come on! I have a lot of things to teach you. [leaves the room] Cartman: [moments later, still on the bed] Oh, son of a bitch! Scene Description: Montage. Butters tosses a basketball with Cartman on the front lawn. Cartman, as AWESOM-O, can't catch it. Butters: Hey there have you heard about my robot friend? Scene Description: They're walking along in a meadow. Butters is telling him a story. Butters: He's metal and small and doesn't judge me at all. He's a cyber, wired bundle of joy. Scene Description: Butters has AWESOM-O take shots at a basketball hoop. The shot is good and Butters is pleased. Butters: My robot friend. Scene Description: Stan, Kyle and Kenny observe nearby from behind a bush. They're dismayed at what they see. Stan pinches his nose and shuts his eyes in frustration, then walks off. Kyle and Kenny follow. Butters: I like to dip and daddle with my robot friend. Scene Description: Butters jumps in a puddle, then has AWESOM-O do the same. Butters giggles. Butters: He's smart as can be and emotion-free Scene Description: Butters washes dishes while AWESOM-O dries them, then they go see "The Prince and Me." They exit, with Butters skipping beside AWESOM-O. Butters: And he's computed his way to my heart. My robot friend. Scene Description: At a restaurant two burgers reach Butters' table. He gets one, he motions to the waiter that AWESOM-O doesn't need the other one. The waiter looks confused, then walks away with the other burger. Butters: My robot friend. Scene Description: Butters has AWESOM-O pull him along in a red wagon. Butters: My robot friend. Scene Description: They walk into a sunset together. Butters: My robot... friend. Scene Description: Butters' house, living room. His dad reads the newspaper, his mom arrives with coffee and cookies and sets them down on the coffee table. Linda: Oohhh, that's so cute. Did you see Butters and his friend Eric playing Robot? Stephen: [tosses the paper onto the couch arm as Linda serves him coffee] Yes. Those boys are quite imaginative. Leave it to them to find a fun way to do the dishes. [takes his cup] Butters: [leading Cartman to the stairs] That's great AWESOM-O! [Cartman carries a pile of clothes] You can carry all my laundry in one trip! Linda: Ah, Butters, it's getting late. You should be getting ready for bed soon. Butters: Okay Mom. Well, come on, AWESOM-O. Bedtime. Linda: Oh, is your little robot friend staying the night? Butters: Well of course he is. He's my robot, ain't he? Linda: That's okay with your mom, Mr. Robot? Cartman: AWESOM-O does not have a mom. Butters: Yeah! Don't you know nothin' about robots? Come on, AWESOM-O! You can put my laundry away! [Cartman follows Butters upstairs] Linda: Aw, that's just adorable. Stephen: It's good to see Butters finally have a friend that wants to stay over. Scene Description: The Stotch bathroom. Butters is brushing his teeth, AWESOM-O stands next to him. Butters: I love to brush my teeth! In the mornin' and at night! To keep 'em white and healthy, I got to brush them all the time! Cartman: [under his breath] Grrr. Jesus Christ I can't go on like this. [normal. Butters opens up the medicine cabinet] Butters, remember when you said you had a video of Eric Cartman dressed like Britney Spears? Butters: Oh. Yeah. Cartman: I would like to see what he looks like so I can beat him up for you. May I see the video? Butters: [turns around carrying a box of suppositories] Awww, you don't need to do that, AWESOM-O. Hey, I gotta put in my suppository. [takes one out and puts the box on the cabinet] Can you help me? Cartman: What? Butters: Remember I said I put that medicinal suppository in my anus? It'll be so much easier havin' you do it from now on. Cartman: Um. Actually, AWESOM-O was not programmed for that function. Butters: [hops down from the stool] Haw, it's real easy. I'll show you. You just take this little thingy out of the plastic... paper, and I'll, I'll pull down my pants ...and just slide it up in my anus there. Cartman: ...No way. Butters: AWESOM-O, I though you were programmed to do whatever I tell you. Cartman: Weak! [turns right and faces Butters' ass.] Butters: Ye- yeah, that, that's pretty good. Get it up there good and deep. Cartman: Lame! Scene Description: Butters' house, moments later. Butters: All right AWESOM-O, time for us to get some sleep. [POV changes from outside to bedroom overhead] Hey, you want me to teach you some bedtime songs? If you leave me now, you'll take away the biggest part of me. Ooo-oo-oooo-oo-oo... Cartman: AWESOM-O must rest! His CPU system overloading. Butters: Oh, o-o-all right AWESOM-O. Let's get us some shut-eye, [turns off the light] or what, or whatever robots have. Scene Description: Butters closes his eyes and drifts off to sleep. He turns to his left and places a hand on AWESOM-O. Scene Description: Morning. A cock crows. Butters wakes up, but AWESOM-O isn't in bed with him. He looks around and sees his room is a mess. His drawers are out of the dressers and his clothes are strewn all over the place. One of his clothing rods has been knocked down and his closet doors are open. AWESOM-O is shown at Butters' desk looking through more stuff. Cartman: Where is it? Where is it?! Butters: AWESOM-O?! Cartman: Wah! Butters: AWESOM-O, what the Sam Heck are you doing? Cartman: Um, ah AWESOM-O is reorganizing your stuff for you. Butters: Aw Jeez, Jeez Louise! My mom is gonna be awful sore when she sees this mess! Now AWESOM-O, that is a bad robot! You can't do no chores for me unless I tell you to do them! You got it?! Cartman: AWESOM-O understands. Butters: Now I'm gonna have to give ya a spankin', AWESOM-O, so that you'll learn better! Scene Description: Three spankings follow, but as they are done against the robot frame, they are ineffective. Butters: Just know, AWESOM-O, that I did it because I love you. Okay, come on, let's go make some breakfast. Cartman: Goddamnit, I have to find that videotape! Scene Description: Butters' house, downstairs. Butters is drawing a picture at the coffee table. Butters: Look at that, AWESOM-O! I drew a picture of us playing in a field together. [Butters and AWESOM-O are walking in a field] Ah I'll be right back. I'm gonna get some Sunny Delight. [walks off] Cartman: I would like some Sunny Delight too. Butters: [tickled] Don't be silly, AWESOM-O. Robots don't need to drink nothin'. [tickled, turns away] Uh, heehee. [the doorbell rings] Whoa. Uh, go answer the door, AWESOM-O. Cartman: [turns] AWESOM-O will answers the door. [walks towards the door as Butters leaves and opens it. He sees Stan, Kyle, and Kenny] Kyle: What the hell are you doing, fatass? Stan: Dude, are you still pretending to be a robot? Cartman: [normal voice] Shh! [lifts up the helmet part of the outfit] I just need to uh make Butters think I'm a robot for a little while longer. Kyle: Why? Cartman: Because I need to, all right?! I've got something planned that's uh gonna be really sweet. Just play along, okay? Kyle: Why? Cartman: Kyle, Goddamnit, will you just do-? Butters: [appears behind Cartman holding his glass of Sunny Delight] Who's at the door, AWESOM-O? Scene Description: Cartman turns around, then adjusts his helmet. Cartman: [monotone] Three boys named Stan, Kyle, and Kenny. Butters: Ah, hey fellas! Ah, I see you met my robot. Stan: Uh yeah, Butters, he's real cool. Butters: Hey he sure is! We do everything together. Why last night we even had a slumber party. [Stan, Kyle, and Kenny quickly look to Cartman] Cartman: Weak. Butters: He can do anything I command him to. He's real smart. Watch this: Hey AWESOM-O, will you go get my friends some Sunny Delight? Cartman: Yes, of course. [begins to walk towards the kitchen] Kyle: Oh wait. Hey AWESOM-O, [Cartman stops] I'd also like some celery sticks chopped up two inches long, with peanut butter and raisins on top. Cartman: Suck my balls, Kyle. [resumes his walk] Butters: [cheerfully] He's made in Japan! Scene Description: The dining room. Stephen holds a cup of coffee and listens as Linda talks to Liane. Linda: Yes, it has just been a delight having your son over, Mrs. Cartman. He and Butters are really getting along great. Liane: Oh, I'm so glad to hear it, Mrs. Stotch. Eric has been having some emotional problems lately. Linda: Well, the reason I'm calling is that Butters is supposed to go see his Aunt Nellie in Los Angeles this weekend. The boys are getting along so well, that we were thinking of inviting Eric to go along. Liane: Oh, well, I'm not sure. Actually, Eric is still supposed to be grounded for trying to exterminate the Jews two weeks ago. Linda: [Stephen takes a sip] Excuse me, I didn't catch that. Liane: Oh, but I suppose it would be good for him. Yes, of course he can go. I'll bring some of clothes over. Linda: Oh, wonderful! The boys will be so excited. Scene Description: The kitchen. AWESOM-O rummages around under the sink. Cartman: Maybe he put that videotape in here somewhere. Butters: [enters] AWESOM-O, what are you doing? My friends are waiting for their beverages. Chop chop! [Cartman moves to the refrigerator, Stephen and Linda enter] Linda: Hey guys, great news! It's been arranged, you two are both going to Los Angeles to visit Butters' Aunt Nellie! Butters: [overjoyed] Oh boy! My robot gets to come with me to see Aunt Nellie?! Cartman: What? Butters: Oh boy, [shakes Cartman's hand] AWESOM-O! We're gonna have the best time ever! [hugs the "robot"] Cartman: Lame. Scene Description: Los Angeles, day. The Hollywood sign appears in the background. Scene Description: Aunt Nellie's house. Uncle Budd: Hey Nellie, guess what I found scrampin' around the airport. [Butters enters in a suit] Butters: Hi Aunt Nellie! [runs up to her and they hug each other] Aunt Nellie: There's my little nephew! How was your flight? [they let go of each other] Butters: It was long. We had a three-hour delay... departin' Denver, but we're here! Aunt Nellie: Didn't ya bring any bags? Butters: Well, sure, but my robot is bringin' them in. Aunt Nellie: Your robot? Uncle Budd: Butters' new friend is a little strange. He, he really takes playing Robot seriously. Scene Description: Cartman walks in mechanically with all the luggage. Butters: There he is! AWESOM-O, this is my Aunt Nellie. [Cartman drops the suitcases] Aunt Nellie: Hello! It's nice to have you here. Cartman: AWESOM-O must dispense oil waste. Where is the nearest toilet, please? Aunt Nellie: Oh oh, right through there, Mr. Robot. Cartman: Thank you. [walks in the direction Aunt Nellie points to] Uncle Budd: I don't think he took the costume off the entire trip. Aunt Nellie: Well, did you wanna get right to sight-seeing, or are you guys hungry after such a long flight. Butters: Nah, I ate on the plane. And AWESOM-O is a robot, so he don't need to eat. Aunt Nellie: Right... Scene Description: Aunt Nellie's restroom. Cartman runs in frantically and takes off the helmet. His hair is matted against his head and he gasps for air. He runs up to the sink and reaches... for the toothpaste. He squeezes the tube and sucks out the contents hungrily. Butters: [knocks on the door] AWESOM-O? Cartman: Aw- Aw- AWESOM-O is coming. [finishes off the tube, hops down, and tosses the tube aside] Butters: Come on, AWESOM-O! We're gonna go sightseein'! Cartman: Argh! [heads out.] Scene Description: Montage. Hollywood Boulevard, facing the Chinese Theater. The Passion is playing there. Butters takes a picture of AWESOM-O next to the cemented hand- and footprints of the stars. Next, he and AWESOM-O ride down a log in an amusement park. Next, he and AWESOM-O are in a plane ride together. Next, AWESOM-O rubs some suntan lotion on Butters' back. Next, he and AWESOM-O take part in a Galaxy Studios Tour ride. A shark pops up and roars menacingly at the riders. Next, Catamount Pictures is shown. Butters: I'm hangin' out in LA with my robot friend We're havin' such fun in the hot hot sun We're two of a kind- That's me! And my robot friend. My robot friend. My robot friend. Scene Description: Catamount Pictures. Butters and Cartman walk around. Cartman carries the bags. Butters: Can you believe we're at a real live movie studio, AWESOM-O? Aren't we havin' the best time?! Cartman: Butters, wouldn't you like to have some time away from AWESOM-O? We could meet up later, perhaps? Butters: Hey, look over there, AWESOM-O. The film studio commissary. [Le Catamount Bistró] That's where all them rich movie producers who come up with uh, Hollywood blockbusters have their lunch. Neat-o, huh? [moves off] Scene Description: Le Catamount Bistró, Two producers talk. Producer: [as the other producer eats] Damnit, Mitch. How come our movie studio can't come up with any winners? I mean, we're smart, right? Mitch: [the bald producer] We're really smart. Producer: We need an idea for a movie that's a home run. A feel-good romp for the whole family. [notices something and points] Hey, what's that over there? [Mitch looks over his shoulder. The camera looks at Butters and AWESOM-O attracting a crowd] Woman: Wow, that's a really neat little robot you have there, little boy. Millie: What's he do? Butters: Well, he can do anything. Watch this: Hey, AWESOM-O, who's gonna win the Super Bowl next year? Cartman: The New Orleans Saints. [everyone around them laughs, and the producers approach] Boy: Hey, Mr. Robot, how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Cartman: Seventeen. [everyone laughs again] Producer: Mitch, are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'? Mitch: [strokes his chin] Yeah. Maybe that robot can be programmed to come up with movie ideas! [smiles] Producer: [looks at him intently] Exactly! [smiles] Scene Description: Catamount Pictures boardroom. The producer introduces Butters and AWESOM-O to his staff. Producer: Gentlemen, this little boy was kind enough to let us show you his robot. The AWESOM-O 4000. [approaches the robot, who's seated at one end of the table] I've already seen what it can do. Staffer 1: Uh, excuse me sir, but uh, that's not a robot. Producer: It's not? Staffer 1: No, it clearly had bipedal movement, so the correct term is "computerized automatron." Mitch: Oh, very nice, Mitch. Staffer 2: You are the smart one. Producer: Well, regardless, I believe maybe this automatron can help us come up with new movie ideas. Staffer 2: How can a robot come up with better ideas for movies than us? Producer: Watch this: AWESOM-O, given the current trends of the movie-going public can you come up with an idea for a movie that will break a hundred million box office? Cartman: Um... okay. How about this: [the staffers take pen to paper and anticipate the ideas] Adam Sandler is like, in love with some girl, but then it turns out that the girl is actually a... golden retriever, or something. Staffer 2: [thinking over this idea, then write it down] Oh, perfect! Staffer 3: We'll call it "Puppy Love"! Staffer 2: Give us another movie idea, AWESOM-O! Mitch: Yeah, yeah! Staffer 3: Let's hear it! Mitch: Yeah, we wanna hear it! Staffer 3: Come on, come on! Cartman: Okay, how about this: Adam Sandler... inherits like, a billion dollars, but first, he has to, like, become a... boxer, or something. Staffer 3: [the producers start writing again]... Yes, it's flawless! Mitch: Punch-Drunk Billionaire! Scene Description: Aunt Nellie's house, guest room. Butters is at the desk counting up all the movie he and AWESOM-O got for Cartman's ideas and putting one hundred dollar bills one per envelope. Butters: Boy, Los Angeles is great, huh AWESOM-O? Can you believe those guys paid us a hundred dollars apiece for those movie ideas? Cartman: You should split that money with AWESOM-O. After all, they were AWESOM-O's ideas. Butters: Hahaa, right! What are you gonna do with money, AWESOM-O? Buy some robot pants? Haha, no! We got each other and that's all we need, AWESOM-O. I'm gonna send this money to needy kids in third-world countries. Cartman: [growing desperate, walks around] Haaaa! Haaaa! Butters: [concerned] You, you okay AWESOM-O? Cartman: AWESOM-O needs to rest! Feeling faint. Butters: Well you go ahead and relax, AWESOM-O. We've got another full day of pitching movies tomorrow. Scene Description: Washington DC, the Pentagon. Scene Description: The Pentagon, a boardroom. A general addresses his peers. General: Gentlemen, Ladies, we all know that we live in a time of uncertainty. The risk of an attack on American soil is higher than ever. Now, I believe we may be able to curb that risk. Two days ago our intelligence department came across this. Scene Description: He turns around and faces a wall of TV screens. His peers turn to look. He then turns the screens on. Images of AWESOM-O, taken from various angles, pop up. General: The AWESOM-O 4000. It is currently being used by Catamount Pictures to develop ideas for movies. Our sources say that in just one week it has come up with over one thousand movie ideas, eight hundred of which feature Adam Sandler. [the officers murmur amongst themselves] Black official: That's incredible! White official: You're thinking the robot could be used to come up with anti-Islamic movies? General: No. If we got our hands on that robot, we could re-program it and turn it into a weapon! Black official: Yes, that might be the best thing to do. White official: Uh huh. I don't see how we have a choice. Scientist: Hold on a second: If that robot is designed for entertainment, then, turning it into a weapon is unethical. General: Unethical? Let me explain something to you, Mr. Scientist! We understand that the robot is from Japan! That means that the Japanese have more of them! And if the Japanese fabricates one of them into a weapon before we do... Black official: Jesus. It would be Pearl Harbor all over again. White official: But worse. With robots. Scientist: I'm sorry, I must protest. We, we have no data suggesting the Japanese have developed a robot with offensive capability. General: You're paid to think, Mr. Scientist! National security is our jub. [the scientist sits back down.] Gentlemen, we're going to Los Angeles! [zoom in] I want that robot! Scene Description: Catamount Pictures lobby. Butters places a call. Butters: Yeah, me and my robot are still over at the movie studio, Aunt Nellie. We're makin' all sorts of money for the poor. Scene Description: The boardroom. Cartman is pitching more movie ideas. Cartman: Movie idea number two thousand three hundred and five: Adam Sandler is trapped on an island and falls in love with a coconut. Producer: Great, AWESOM-O, great. Uh guys, take a break. I need a minute alone with AWESOM-O. Scene Description: The other men rise and leave the room, making plans for lunch on the way out. The producer approaches Cartman. Producer: You are an incredible robot, AWESOM-O. I was just wondering... are you by chance a... pleasure model? Cartman: ...What? Producer: Well, have you been programmed to... satisfy... urges of humans? Cartman: AWESOM-O does not understand. Producer: Let me show you what I mean. [removes his tie] Scene Description: Catamount Pictures lobby. Butters: Well yeah, we're havin' a great time, Aunt Nellie. These movie studio guys are real nice. Cartman: [from the boardroom] Lame! Butters: Yeah, we're makin' a bunch more money. I can't believe it either. Scene Description: The boardroom doors burst open and AWESOM-O runs out. Cartman: Not cool! Totally lame! [runs to his left. Butters looks over his shoulder] Butters: AWESOM-O? Well, I gotta go, Aunt Nellie. Ah, AWESOM-O is havin' some kind of malfunction. [hangs up and goes after AWESOM-O.] AWESOM-O? Hey, where'd ya go? Scene Description: Butters looks left, then right, then goes to the right, exiting the scene. Moments later the producer shows up at the doorway with his pants down. Cartman: Waaaaa! Scene Description: A cattle prod appears and shocks him until he falls over. A dolly then appears and two soldiers quickly put Cartman on it and haul him off. Soldier: Let's go! Move, move! Butters: [appears around the corner] AWESOM-O? [notices the soldiers] Hey, what are you doin' with him?! Scene Description: The soldiers exit some side doors and toss him into the back of a waiting van. Butters exits the side door. Butters: That's my robot! [the soldiers get into the van and drive off] AWESOM-OOOOOOOO!!! Scene Description: A military base near Los Angeles. In a warehouse, AWESOM-O, shackled onto a platform, is raised from a horizontal position to vertical. Two soldiers approach on either side of Cartman and tighten the locks on him. General: Are those arm and leg locks secure? Soldier: Secure, sir! General: Good. I don't want that robot mobile until I know what it's capable of. All right, power it on. [the scientist turns a drill on and approaches AWESOM-O] Cartman: Whoa, whoa, wha- whoa, whoa! Scientist: [steps back surprised] What the hell? General: What's going on? Scientist: [in disbelief] It... powered itself back on. General: [whispers to a soldier to his left] Stand by. Be ready to destroy it. Scene Description: The soldier cocks his semiautomatic and aims at Cartman. Cartman: Where the hell am I?! Hey, why can't I move?! Scientist: Are your systems stable? Run a systems check on your CPU. Cartman: The fuck are you talkin' about, dude?! Scientist: Ah, I'm sorry, robot, [in a low voice, almost a whisper] they want me to reprogram you. Cartman: I'm not a robot, dumbass! I'm alive! Scientist: What did you say? Cartman: I said I'm a real person, asswipe! Scientist: [stunned] ...Oh my God. [turns around and approaches the military] General: What's happening? Scientist: The robot... It thinks it's alive. It's developed consciousness. General: What? How can that be? Scientist: Must be a malfunction of its exographical IMS or the... interlaced BV system. General: Speak in a language we can understand, Mr. Scientist! Scientist: Your robot doesn't know it's a robot! Cartman: Goddamnit, get me down from here! [the military approaches him] General: Who made you, robot? Cartman: [enunciating] I'm not a robot, I'm a human! White official: [the military turns around] Jesus, the scientist was right. General: But, who would have programmed it to think it was human? The movie studio? Cartman: Look, retards! My name is Eric Cartman! I live with my mom in South Park, Colorado! General: [faces Cartman] Dear Christ, they gave it memories, too. Scientist: Sure, why not? Program the memories of some eight-year-old boy who doesn't exist, and make the robot think he's real! Makes for a lot better movies! I'm not reprogramming a robot that's developed consciousness! General: Do I have to remind you of your position?! Don't forget you have a duty to your country, [draws out the next few syllables] Mr. Scientist!! I want that robot's memories and consciousness E-RASED, so we can take it back to Washington! GOT IT?! [the military leaves him to his work.] Scientist: Damn you all to hell! Scene Description: Los Angeles. Butters walks down a sidewalk alone with his head down. Butters: [voiceover, sadly] Hey there, did you know I had a robot friend? We used to laugh and play, but someone took him away. He was my ten gigahertz old pal. My robot friend. Butters: [realizing something] Hey, wait a minute. [sees the van that took AWESOM-O away] Why, that's the van that- [tuns towards it] Oh my God! Scene Description: The military base, warehouse. The scientist has positioned AWESOM-O so his head can be drilled into, and a huge drill bit begins to descend towards him. Cartman: [fidgets frantically] Goddamnit, stop! I'm real! I'm real! Soldier: It'll all be over soon, robot! Scene Description: The scientist scratches his head, then decides to take action. He takes out a vice wrench and smacks the soldier with it, knocking him out. He turns off the drill, tosses the wrench aside and goes to AWESOM-O. Scientist: Hang on! I'm getting you out of here, robot! Cartman: Aw, it's about freaking time, jackass! Scene Description: The General and his men return, Cartman gets off the platform. General: What the hell are you doing?! Scientist: [turns around] Well I- I'm saving a conscious being! If you wanna kill it, you'll have to go through me! General: Fine. Kill that son of a bitch! Cartman: No! Look, Goddamnit! Now I can show you stupid assholes who I really am! [raises his helmet enough to show his eyes] Butters: [enters] AWESOM-O! Scene Description: The helmet quickly goes down and Cartman becomes a robot again. Cartman: I am the AWESOM-O 4000. Scene Description: The soldier fires one shot into the scientist, and the scientist goes down. Butters: No! [runs up to Cartman] No, please! [hugs him] Don't kill him! He's my best friend! He's my best friend in the whole world! Scene Description: Butters begins to sob. The military is amazed by this display of affection from a boy towards his robot. Scientist: [still alive, looks up] There. You see? You want to tell me this isn't humanity? Who's to judge what makes something human anyway?! [pulls out his stomach] Does this make me human?! [pulls out his lung] Or this?! [pulls out his intestines] Or these?! [falls over dead] General: [approaches AWESOM-O] Perhaps... there is consciousness in this robot. Maybe we as a society need to realize that artificial intelligence... is intelligence all the same, and we can learn from the robots. I think maybe one day we can all- [Cartman farts, Butters steps back surprised] Hey, wait a minute, did, did that robot just fart? Butters: Hey, robots don't fart! Cartman: Uh... now ending fart sequence. General: Oh, and it, it smells, too! Cartman: Smell sequence initiated. Black official: A robot with smelly farts? That doesn't make any sense. Butters: Hang on a second, here! Scene Description: Butters reaches for AWESOM-O's helmet and removes it. The military is taken aback at what they see.. Scene Description: A portable screen is put up inside a room and the videotape of Cartman acting strange in his backyard is being shown. The sound of laughing kids is heard. On the tape, Cartman is dancing around like Britney Spears. Cartman: [rapping] Would you like to touch my body? Come on and touch my body! Oooo, my hot body! Don't you like my hot body? Come on and touch my titties! I've got such nice round titties! Come on Justin, touch my body! [begins dancing with a life-size cutout of Justin Timberlake] Mmm, Justin, yeah! Touch my body! You and me! Check it out, my nice hot body! Come on, my body! Scene Description: As the video plays, shots are shown of: the fourth graders and the kindergartners, more fourth graders and older students (including Stan, Kyle, and Kenny), Chef, Principal Victoria, Mr. Garrison, other teachers, Butters enjoying himself immensely, the Catamount Pictures producers, the military, then of a fuming Cartman having to suffer it all as everyone laughs. General: Wow, kid, you're a little faggot! Cartman: Lame...

Scene Description: The neighborhood. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny ride down the street on their big wheels. Stan: [stops and looks at a house] Hey, check it out, dude. Somebody bought the Donovan's old house. [the other boys stop and look.] Kyle: Yeah, I think they already moved in. I saw moving vans in their driveway two days ago. Cartman: I hope they're not Austrians. That's the last thing this town needs. [a door is heard opening] Kyle: [points] Hey Look! Scene Description: A young kid wearing an ornate face mask is seen peeking out the front door. Blanket: Hello! Scene Description: The boys get off their bikes and approach the kid. Kyle: Hey. Do you live here? Blanket: Yeah, I just moved here with my dad. Are you gonna be my new friends? Cartman: No. Blanket: I really like your town. My dad wanted to move somewhere to get away from it all. He said he wanted peace and quiet, and to live with a bunch of hicks who don't know anything. Scene Description: Stan and Kyle look at each other a bit puzzled. Stan: What's that you're wearing? Blanket: It's my mask. My daddy says it's best for me to hide my face. My name's Blanket. Cartman: Your name is Blanket... Right. Well Blanket, I'm Howdy Doody, and these are my friends, Timsy, Winky, and Nod. Unfortunately, we have to be off to the Land of Booger Trees, so we'll be leaving now. Scene Description: The boys turn back to get back on to their bikes. Blanket: Wait! Don't you guys wanna come inside and play? Cartman: Huh? Look dude, we're in the fourth grade, okay? You know what that means? It means we don't hang out with a little kid. Come on guys, let's get back to our Big Wheels. [they turn away.] Blanket: We have arcade games inside. Scene Description: Kyle and Cartman whip around. Moments later, the boys are in the house.' Scene Description: The Jeffersons' house inside. Blanket: Dad? Stan: Whoa. Dude, no way! Cartman: Oh my God, this is awesome! [runs up to a claw machine] Stan: Dude, are these all your toys? Blanket: No, this is all my dad's stuff. He loves toys and video games. Kyle: Dude, he just be loaded! What does he do? Blanket: He's retired now. Cartman: [guiding the machine's arm to grab a plush toy] Oh my God, dude! Your dad must be the coolest guy in the world! Blanket: Come on, my dad's probably out in the backyard. [guides the other three boys out] Scene Description: The backyard. The sliding door opens up to a small park, a Neverland, with a giraffe, small Ferris wheel, small carousel, and other things. The boys step through the doorway. Cartman: Oh, kick ass! Dude, why isn't my house like this?! Blanket: Dad? You out here? Michael: Here I am, Blanket! Scene Description: Blanket's dad, a spitting image of Michael Jackson, rides into view on a small train and waves. Every few seconds his moustache falls off and he has to put it back in place. He hops off the train and dances around Michael: Heeee! Scene Description: He twirls, does a pelvic thrust while daintily touching his crotch. Michael: Jeh chabee durtah! Scene Description: He pulls up his pant legs a bit, kicks his right leg up, then whips his right arm out to full length. His moustache falls off and he resets it, then runs up to Blanket and picks him up Michael: Blanket! Oh my beautiful Blanket! Kyle: [softly] What's wrong with his face? Stan: [softly] Be cool, dude. I, I think maybe he's a burn victim or something. Blanket: Guys, this is my dad. Michael Ja- Michael: Jefferson! Michael ...Jefferson, yeh. Hey, you wanna play with me? Scene Description: He runs into the yard. Michael: Come on, let's climb the tree! [turns to a tree and scales it] Come on, climb the tree, climb the tree! Scene Description: Michael motions for the boys to join him. They oblige and join him up there. Michael: Have you been up my... Wishing Tree? Tuh! It's where I come to think and dream. And now I'd like to show you my... Wishing Tree. Jam on! Where we can laugh and giggle and scream. Hee hee! Imagination is the key. Kyle: Mr. Jefferson, your son can't get up. Michael: Won't you imagine along with me? Kyle: Mr. Jefferson? Scene Description: On the ground, Blanket can't even reach the bottom rung of the ladder. Michael: We can be spacemen, or pirates on the sea Chuckajamonah! Yes we can do everything, and I mean, everything! Chuckajamonah! Up in my Wishing Tree! Hee hee! Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh! Scene Description: Stark's Pond, day. A group of kids skate around lazily on its frozen surface. Stan and friends race over a rise towards the lake. Stan: Hey, you guys! You guys! [the kids gather around] You gotta come with us over to the Jeffersons! Red: The Jeffersons? Cartman: [breathless] They're a new family that just moved to South Park! We met this kid named Blanket and he has the coolest dad in the world! [his chest heaves noticeably] Kyle: Mr. Jefferson said we can invite all the kids in town to go play over at their house. Cartman: They have like, video games and rides and a cotton-candy machine, oh, and, and in their back yard, guess what they have in their back yard?! Guess. A train. Craig: [in a monotone voice] No way. Cartman: Yeah way, Craig! And if you don't believe in Mr. Jefferson, then you can just not come! Craig: [not wanting to be left out] I believe in Mr. Jefferson! Scene Description: The Jefferson house, arcade room. As the kids enjoy the toys and games found there, Jefferson swings above them on a spacious swing with Bebe on his lap. Michael: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, look at us on the swing! We're swinging! Blanket: Who wants the first cotton candy? Scene Description: The kids around him begin to clamor for it. Kids: Memememememememememe Scene Description: Blanket hands the first cotton-candy to Kyle. Michael: Mememe! I'm first! I'm first! Scene Description: Blanket steps away a bit astonished, but soon all the kids have cotton candy. Michael: Oooo, let's go ride the choo-choo train! Cartman: Choo-choo train! Yay! Scene Description: The kids begin to move towards the back yard. Blanket is left on the floor trying to stand and catch up to them. Scene Description: The Jefferson back yard. The kids follow Jefferson to the train. Michael: Let's ride the train! The train! Scene Description: The kids climb on and the train begins to roll. Michael: Would you like to ride the train with me, and start a magical journey? Cartman: Yes I would, Mr. Jefferson. You're so awesome, Mr. Jefferson. Michael: Cartman, you have a beautiful voice. Cartman: Thank you Mr. Jefferson. So do you. Michael: Let's ride and ride on the train together Cartman: ...Train together Michael: On a journey through both of our minds. Cartman: I've got time. Do youuu?? Scene Description: Back near the sliding door, Stan, Kyle and Kenny look on. Blanket stands next to them and Kyle notices Blanket's left leg. Kyle: Dude, what happened to your knee? Blanket: [his skinned knee is shown] I fell down. Kyle: [calls out] Mr. Jefferson! Michael: [back on the train] Choo-choo train, it's all fun and games. Cartman: Choo-choo train. Kyle: Mr- ! Goddammit. Here, come on. We need to clean that up. [takes Blanket inside] Scene Description: The bathroom. Kyle sits Blanket on the toilet and dresses the wound. Kyle: Alright, this is gonna sting for a second. Scene Description: Kyle dabs some alcohol onto a towel and presses the towel onto Blanket's knee, wiping off some dirt, then dabs some more alcohol onto the towel. Blanket: Ow! Kyle: I know, I know. Be cool. Blanket: Thank you. That already feels better. Scene Description: Kyle wipes Blanket's knee some more, then dabs some more alcohol onto the towel. Kyle: So, dude, do you have any brothers or sisters? Blanket: I have a half-brother and a half-sister. But they live with their mom now. Scene Description: Kyle wipes Blanket's knee some more, then dabs some more alcohol onto the towel. Kyle: And where is your mom? Blanket: I don't have a mom. Kyle: You must have a mom. Scene Description: Kyle wipes Blanket's knee some more, then dabs some more alcohol onto the towel. Kyle: You mean she doesn't live here, or she's dead, or what? Blanket: No. I was made in a laboratory. Kyle: What? Blanket: My daddy wanted to have a baby, so he put me in a test tube. Then, they put me in a woman's tummy, and, when I was born, Daddy took me home. Kyle: So you never met your mom? Blanket: No... But I used to have a lot of bodyguards and nannies, if that counts. Kyle: Yeah. Yeah, that counts. Scene Description: The neighborhood, some time later. The boys are walking home. Kyle seems concerned. Cartman: Oh man, that was great! You guys know what Mr. Jefferson said? He said I'm his best friend, and I can go over to his house whenever I want! I'm supposed to go right back over there after dinner tonight! Kyle: You guys, I feel kinda bad for that kid. Cartman: You feel bad for him?! He has everything a kid could want! Kyle: Mr. Jefferson just seems like he wants to be a kid, not have one. Cartman: Oh, you know what?! This makes perfect sense! A guy moves into South Park with a FERRIS wheel in his back yard, and KYLE has to see a problem with it! [faces Kyle down] Mr. Jefferson is the best thing that's happened to this town in a long time, and if you miss this up, so help me god, I will rip your balls off with my bare hands! With my bare hands, Goddamn you! [turns and walks away angrily] Scene Description: Stan's house, afternoon. Stan enters the kitchen through the back door. Randy is at the breakfast nook reading a paper, Sharon puts a coffee pot onto the counter. Randy: Well, there he is. Where have you been all afternoon. Stan: I was over at the new neighbors, the Jeffersons. Sharon: Oh, are they nice people? Stan: Yeah. It's just a dad and his son. Sharon: Well, we're supposed to have the Broflovskis and the Stotches over for dinner tonight. Maybe I'll invite Mr. Jefferson too. Scene Description: Stan's house, evening. The Marshes and their guests are seated at table for dinner. On the left are seated Sheila, Stephen, and Linda. On the right are seated Gerald, Mr. Jefferson, Sharon, and Randy is at the head of the table. Gerald: So, Mr. Jefferson, did I hear you say you moved here from Kentucky? Michael: Kentucky, yeah. Randy: I heard people saying you all were from Illinois. Michael: No, the- they're ignorant. That's ignorant. Stephen: What kind of work do you do, Mr. Jefferson? Michael: Oh I'm retired now, but, I was in... pharmaceuticals Sheila: Well our boys have really taken a liking to you. You seem to really have a way with them. Michael: I just id- identify so much with children. Their innocence, their beauty. I think that God is in the face of every child. Randy: ...Yeeeah. Sharon: ...They are fun. [glances back, away from the table] Boys, you okay out there? Scene Description: The living room. Stan, Kyle, and Blanket are seated on the sofa, eating. Stan: Fine, Mom. Blanket: Wow, these are great. What are they called again? Kyle: They're TV dinners. Don't you wanna take that veil off so you can eat? Blanket: Nah, I'm not supposed to. Dad says I have to keep my face hidden. Scene Description: The doorbell rings. Stan goes to answer the front door and sees Cartman. Cartman: What the hell is going on?! Are you having Mr. Jefferson over for dinner?! Stan: No, my parents are. Cartman: You guys better not be trying to Bogart my friend away! Stan: What? Cartman: He is my friend, got it?! I was friends with him before you assholes were, [Stan steps back...] and I- Scene Description: He closes the door. Stan walks away and Cartman looks through a window. Cartman: Stan! Stan, I'm seriously! You'd better not be talking bad about me in there to Mr. Jefferson! Scene Description: The dining table. Gerald: Hey, you know Kobe Bryant was up in Eagle today. Randy: Oh yeah? What do you think, Mr. Jefferson? Do you think Kobe's guilty or innocent? Michael: [taken aback] D'huh? Stephen: I think he's definitely going to jail. I just love seeing smug celebrities get their comeuppance. Michael: I think it's wrong what the police do to wealthy black men. Gerald: Oh come on, Mr. Jefferson, you're not one of those who think that the police go around framing rich black people just because they're jealous? Michael: Yeah! Because their hearts are full of greed and they have... doo-doo in their souls. Scene Description: Park County Police Station. Inside Harris waits for a fax to finish printing. As another officer walks by with a cup of coffee, he takes a sheet from the machine. Harris: Hey Sergeant, take a look at this. Yates: [disregards the sheet] Whatcha got? Harris: Looks like a new family has just moved into South Park. One Mr. Jefferson, age 50, bought a house there and paid cash. He seems to have a lot of money. Yates: So, what's the problem? Harris: Take a look. Says here... [the sergeant takes the sheet and reviews it] He's black. Yates: By God, so he is. Black and rich. Time to take this Mr. Jefferson down, just like we did Kobe. Scene Description: He hands the sheet and the cup of coffee to the officer and address the department. Yates: Let's go people! Scene Description: Yates turns, takes his coat from the coat rack and puts it on Yates: We've got another rich black guy. I want him humiliated and dragged through the dirt, and I want it done by the books! Scene Description: Stan's house, night. Stan is asleep in his room when someone pounds at his window. Stan wakes up, then goes to the window. Stan: [looks out] Kyle? Scene Description: Stan opens the window. Michael, dressed as Peter Pan, crawls up and in. Michael: Hey, Stan, whatcha doin'? [dances a little] Stan: Mr. Jefferson Awww! [hops off the bed] It's 1:30 in the morning! Michael: Look at me, I'm Peter Pan. Scene Description: Michael draws his small sword and swings it. His mustache falls off. Michael: T-shamon! I'm a little boy forever. Scene Description: Michale raises himself up on his tippy-toes. Michael: Hey! Stan: Mr. Jefferson, I have to go to school tomorrow! Cartman: Oh, son of a bitch! I knew it! What the hell are you doing, Stan?! I'll tell you what you're doing! You're trying to steal MY best friend! Stan: He just showed up here. Cartman: Remember, Mr. Jefferson? You said we were best friends. [a knock is heard at Stan's door] Stan: Jesus Christ! Scene Description: Stan goes to the door and finds Kyle and Blanket in the hallway. Kyle: Dude, look who I found prowling around in my back yard. Blanket: [wearing his veil] Hi, Stan. Kyle: He was out all alone in the middle of the night. Mr. Jefferson isn't even home. Stan: I know. He's here. Kyle: What?! Michael: Oh Kyle, Blanket, yay, it's a slumber party! Stan: No! Mr. Jefferson, you need to take your son home. Michael: We can't go home. There's a ghost in our house. Me and Blanket are scared. Blanket: Dad says it wants to eat us. Michael: Please don't make us go back home. Please! We're scared, we're scared! Blanket: We're scared! Mr. Jefferson: Hee hee! Stan: Okay, fine, we'll all stay here, but we're going to sleep now! Kyle: Come on, Blanket. Scene Description: Kyle takes Blanket to bed. Stan follows them and all three slide into place. Michael: Now let's all sleep and dream Heehee! of fun and adventurous things shamonah! It's time for us all to say goodnight Cartman: Deeper. Scene Description: Cartman turns to Mr. Jefferson and hugs him. Stan rolls his eyes and looks at Cartman again, then closes his eyes and begins to dream... Cartman: Mr. Jefferson, I wish I could be around you all the time. You're awesome. Michael: I think you're awesome too, Cartman. Scene Description: They get closer and closer to each other. Cartman: Yeah? Michael: Yeah. Cartman: Yeah? Michael: Yeah. Cartman: Yeah? Scene Description: They're about to kiss, and Stan wakes up startled. Stan: Ahaa! Scene Description: Stan looks over to his right and sees them both asleep. Michael: [wakes up] What's the matter, Stan? Did you have a bad dream? Stan: Yeah. A really bad dream. Scene Description: Stan shuts his eyes and sinks down into his bed. Stan: Oh Jesus! Scene Description: The Jefferson house. An unmarked police car, blue in color, waits across the street. Harris sips on a soda. Yates: [using his walkie-talkie] Murphy, you inside? Murphy: [walking through the arcade room] We're inside, sir. Harris was right. This guy looks like he has more money than all of us put together. Black sonofabitch! Scene Description: He whips out a package of something white. Murphy: I'm planting the cocaine now. Scene Description: He sets it under the toy machine Cartman was using earlier. Yates: Johnson, what about you? Johnson: [in a closet] Placing the blood spatter now, sir. [right on a pair of Jefferson's shoes] Yates: Frakes? Frakes: Placing pubic hair from the raped girl now, sir. Yates: All right, when this Jefferson guy shows up, arrest him fast and try not to beat him. There could be neighbors with video cameras. [sighs] Why do we do it, Harris? Harris: Sir? Yates: Why is it that us policemen around the country have such a passion for framing wealthy African-Americans with crimes they didn't commit? Harris: Oh, why? I guess I never thought about why, sir. We just do it. Yates: Twenty-five years I've been on the force. I've seen every kind of sick, depraved act known to humanity and still, when I see a black man walk by who has more money than me, I... want to vomit my gizzards right in the gutter. But why? Maybe there is no reason. Maybe there's just a big blue ball out there that's mostly covered with water and we're just goin' along for the ride. Scene Description: Stan's house, morning. Someone knocks on Stan's door. Randy: Stan, time to get up for school. [opens the door and looks in] Stan? What the-? [sees the five people in bed] Mr. Jefferson?! Michael: [sits up quickly] Oh oh, we were just having a slumber party. Scene Description: The boys sit up and look at Randy. Randy: Mr. Jefferson, this is highly inappropriate! Michael: Inappropriate? No, you're being ignorant. They're my friends. You see, I- I didn't have a childhood, so I'm really just a child myself. Scene Description: He takes out some bills from a back pocket and approaches Randy and Sharon Michael: Here, everything's okay. I want you each to have a hundred dollars. [gives each of them 100 dollar bills] Randy: Wow, I'm gonna go buy that new sport coat I've been wanting. [leaves, and Sharon watches him go] Michael: Come on, Blanket. We have to go home and feed the animals. Bye, friends. [quickly leaves with Blanket in tow] Sharon: Boys, I do not want you going over to Mr. Jefferson's anymore. Do you understand? Stan: You don't have to tell us twice, Mom. That guy's a freak! Cartman: Not go to Mr. Jefferson's anymore? Well, excuse my French, Mrs. Marsh, but you can suck my fat, hairy balls! [Stan, Kyle, and Sharon are shocked] Scene Description: The stakeout at Jefferson house, day. The two officers are snoring, but Yates is roused by the sound of a voice. Michael: Come on, Blanket! Yates: Hey Har- Har- Harris! Harris! Harris: [walks] Wha- wha- what? Yates: It's Jefferson! He's back! [gets on his communicator] All right, people. Let's give Blacky a nice welcome home. Scene Description: He and Harris whip out firearms and aim. Mr. Jefferson opens the front door and goes back to the front lawn to retrieve his wooden sword. Yates: Whoa, wait a minute! [withdraws his gun] That guy isn't black! Scene Description: Blanket heads down the steps, and Mr. Jefferson takes him inside. Yates: Holy God, his son isn't black either! Oh Jesus! [gets on his communicator] This is Yates! Stand down! I repeat, stand down! Suspect is not black! Scene Description: Yates scolds Harris. Yates: You son of a bitch, you told my this guy was African-American! Harris: It says right here on the final sheet he is! Yates: [shoves Harris's face against the windshield] Does that look like a black guy to you?! Harris: It said on the final sheet! Yates: [throws a fit] Jesus Christ Monkeyballs! We could have made an innocent man go to jail who wasn't black! Oh! Scene Description: He grabs his own neck, then quickly opens his door and vomits onto the street. Yates: Wuuugh! Wuugh! Ohaugh. Ugh. Scene Description: Yates wipes his lips clean with the back of his hand and now looks exhausted. Yates: Jesus, Harris. What are we becoming? We're supposed to... protect the people. Where have we lost our way? Harris: Sir, it's possible that he is black, even though he doesn't look it. Yates: [whips around and says menacingly] To hell with you! I'm never gonna frame an innocent man again! Unless I know he's black for sure! Scene Description: Inside the house, Mr. Jefferson closes all the windows and curtains. Michael: All the adults are trying to get us. Get up to your room, Blanket, and put your mask on! We can't go outside anymore! Scene Description: Moments later, Blanket is in his room looking outside. Across the street, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny walk by. Kyle looks up and notices Blanket looking bored.. Kyle: [stops] That poor kid. Stan: Dude, come on. We're not supposed to go over there. Scene Description: Kyle crosses the street anyway and Kenny shrugs. Stan and Kenny follow/ Blanket: [opens his windows as they approach] Hi guys! Kyle: Hey Blanket. Uh, look, we're goin' over to help my dad chop wood. You... wanna come with? Blanket: Really? You mean it? Michael: [interrupts, clapping] Oh yay, my friends are here! Come inside and play, guys! Stan: Ah, actually, Mr. Jefferson, we were seeing if Blanket wanted to chop wood with us. Michael: Chop wood? No, that's ignorant. That's poopie work. Blanket and me wanna play! Stan: Mr. Jefferson, uh, it might be good for Blanket to learn how to chop wood. Michael: Blanket likes to play, don't you Blanket? [picks him up and moves him around through the open window] Wee, look! He can fly! Kyle: [the boys fear for Blanket's life] Jesus Christ, dude! Blanket: Aaaaaah! [Mr. Jefferson dangles him around by his left foot] Stan: Stop, you fucking lunatic! [Mr. Jefferson's moustache falls off and down to the ground, he pulls Blanket back inside and closes the window] Kyle: Dude, we have got to get that kid away from him! Scene Description: Blanket's room. He's crying on a giant plush teddy bear. Mr. Jefferson tries to soothe him. Michael: No, Blanket, shhhh. Stop crying. It's okay, Blanket. Here, look. Scene Description: Michael spins around and does a pelvic thrust. Michael: Jeekabee durtah! [a kick and outstretched arm] Ow! Scene Description: Blanket returns to crying into his teddy bear, Mr. Jefferson goes to soothe him again. Michael: There, Blanket, shhhh. [tries to distract Blanket] Hey, hey look, hey look. Scene Description: Michael touches Blanket's nose and has his thumb pop out between index and middle finger. Michael: I got your nose. [does it again.] Look! Lookit, I got your nose. I got your nose, Blanket. See? Scene Description: Does it again, and Blanket is quiet. He then smiles and grabs at his father's nose, giggling... and finds it in his hand. Blanket: Aaaaaaaah! [throws it away and runs out of his bedroom] Michael: No, Blanket, stop! Scene Description: picks up his nose, puts it back in place, and pursues Blanket. Michael: It's ignorant. You're being ignorant! Scene Description: Yates' house, later. He enters. A woman appears moments later. Maggie: Harrison, why haven't you called? You know how I worry. Yates: I'm givin' up, Maggie. I'm quitting the force. Scene Description: Yatesremoves his jacket, and places it on a coat rack, then walks to a desk. Maggie: Quitting the force? You? Yates: None of it makes sense anymore. [sits down and unloads his frustrations] I don't even know if what we're doing is right. The last thirteen hours we've been working on a case, trying to get a real scumbag off the streets. And when he walked up to the door, I could have sworn he was white. Maybe I can't tell the difference anymore. Maybe it doesn't matter. Because it seems like every time we frame a rich black guy, he's back out on the streets in no time. It's just like OJ. Do you know how hard those cops worked to frame him? The tireless hours they put in?! And then he just gets off because somebody messed up and said the N word out loud too many times. I guess I'm just tired. I'm just damn tired. Maggie: [approaches and consoles him] Not another word of that kind of talk, Harrison Yates. [he looks up at her] Believe me I would love nothin' more than to have you quit the force and no longer have to worry about whether or not you're comin' home. But I know you. Framin' rich black men for crimes they didn't commit is in your blood. Wiping that rich, smug smile off their faces is the only thing that puts a smile on yours. You're a good cop, Harrison Yates. You don't have to question that. Because I'm here to tell you. [she caresses him, he kisses her hand] Yates: And you're a good wife, Maggie. You know me better than I know myself. [abruptly rises and goes to the coat rack] Maggie: Where're you goin'? Yates: Think I've got a little more work to do. [puts on his coat and heads outside] Scene Description: The Jefferson house, night. Cartman walks up to the door and knocks. Cartman: Mr. Jefferson? It's your best friend in the whole wide world, Eric Cartman. Mr. Jefferson? I came to sleep over tonight, remember? Scene Description: Mr. Jefferson room. He's on the phone with someone. Michael: No, Dr. Nelson, I'm telling you, you have to fly out here right now! My nose came off again! Scene Description: Michael tosses his nose away, puts more lipstick on his lips. Michael: I know you live in California; I'll pay for your plane ticket! Scene Description: Michael pulls at his hair, and some of it comes off. Michael: But I'm falling apart! I need some more of that cream and the injections! I have to look young again! Scene Description: Michael picks up a stylus and pokes his lips, which pop and let fly some collagen. The skin on his lower jaw drops down and reveals some teeth. Michael: Oh, I'm melting! Scene Description: The Jefferson house, outside. A ladder is propped up against the side of the house. Kyle, Stan, and another boy approach. The boy wears the same mask Blanket usually does. Kyle: All right. Thanks a lot for helping us, dude. Kenny: Yeah, sure, whatever. Stan: You just gotta pretend you're Blanket until we can get the real Blanket somewhere safe. Kenny: Aren't I too big to be Blanket? Kyle: [seething as he climbs the ladder] I don't think Mr. Jefferson pays enough attention to his son to notice. Come on! [Stan and Kenny follow] Scene Description: Blanket's bedroom. Blanket silently cries and the door creaks open. Stan: Blanket, you in here? Blanket: [excited] Hi guys! Scene Description: Stan, Kyle, and Kenny spread out and hop onto Blanket's bed. Kyle: Shh, Blanket, we're gonna take you away for a little while, okay? [Kenny looks around] Blanket: You are? Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! Scene Description: Kyle whisks Blanket away, Stan motions Kenny into place. Stan: All right dude, get in his bed. Kenny: [gets under the covers] All right, but you guys owe me for this. Stan: Dude, whatever. At least you finally get to do something. [hops off and leaves] Scene Description: Santa Barbara Police Department, Snetzl's desk. His phone rings and he picks it up. Snetzl: Santa Barbara Police Department, this is Snetzl. Scene Description: Park County Police Department, Yates' desk. Yates: Hello, this is Sergeant Yates over at the Park County Police Department in Colorado. Snetzl: Yes, sergeant. What can I do for you? Yates: Well, we've been trying to frame this guy who just moved into our town, and the fil-o-fax says he moved from your area. One Martin Jefferson? Snetzl: Hm. No, we never had any rich African-Americans named Jefferson here. If we had, we would have framed him ourselves. Yates: Well, he doesn't really look that black. Snetzl: Yeah, I don't, uh... Hold on a second. There was one we framed a couple of times, but the black bastard was so rich he made bail and disappeared before the trial. Yates: You say he disappeared? What did you frame him for? Snetzl: We, uhhh, found some kids that had stayed over at his place, and we asked them to lie and make up some false molestation charges. Yates: Molestation, nice. Snetzl: Yeah, it was a lot of work. Took years, but we were finally able to arrest him. Then we planted some evidence, took embarrassing photos of his penis, and threw him in a dirty prison cell with feces on the walls. You should have seen him squirm! Yates: That's damn fine police work, sergeant. Damn fine. Snetzl: Heh, yeah, but the point is this guy didn't really look black either. We had to sneak in while he was asleep and get a DNA sample to be sure. Yates: [rises from his chair. Other officers draw near] Jesus Christ Monkeyballs! It must be the same guy! Scene Description: The Jefferson house. Cartman knocks on the front door again. Cartman: Mr. Jefferson, hello?! Scene Description: The bathroom. Stan, Kyle, and Blanket prepare a carry-on bag. Kyle: Come on, Blanket! We gotta go before your dad sees us. Scene Description: They turn towards the window next to the tub and head to it. Michael appears behind them. Michael: What are you doing with my Blanket? Scene Description: The boys freeze. Kyle turns around and sees a disjointed, disheveled Jefferson in a Thriller outfit. The camera does a vertigo effect. Michael walks up to the boys. Michael: Come on, Blanket, play with me. Jeechabee durtah! Hee! [an outstretched arm] Stan, Kyle, Blanket: Haaaaa! Stan: Go, go, ruuun! [the boys run out of the bathroom] Mr. Jefferson: [whispers as he walks] Sutah! Scene Description: The Hallway. The boys run towards the stairs. Stan, Kyle, Blanket: Haaaaa! Michael: [rounds a corner onto the hallway] Wuchatennah! Jamonah! Heehee! Stan: [The boys enter Blanket's room] Oh Jesus! Kenny: What the hell is going on, you guys? Michael: [enters and heads for Blanket's bed] My Blanket! Let's play, Blanket! [pulls Kenny out of the bed] Kenny: Nonono wait, I'm not Blanket! Michael: [tossing Kenny up into the air] Wee, he can fly! He can fly! Kenny: Aaaah! Aaaah, stop! A- Scene Description: Kenny's head goes through the ceiling and blood runs down his body. It begins to drip from his feet. Stan: Oh my God, he killed Kenny! Kyle: You bastard! Scene Description: Michael turns around and sees the boys. Michael: Blanket? Blanket! Come play! [slowly approaches the boys] Blanket: Nooo! [Stan turns to leave] Kyle: [grabs Blanket's hand and leaves as well] Come on! Scene Description: The Jefferson house, front lawn. Kyle opens the front door and the boys exit. Stan: Run, Blanket, Run! Blanket: [stumbles] Ah! Michael: [exits] Dainduh! Dainduh Dainduh! Kyle: [Kyle and Stan help Blanket up] Hang on, Blanket! Scene Description: The three run off and a floodlight turns on, blinding Michael. Mr. Jefferson: [shielding his eyes] Dugh! Heehee! Ja-! Yates: [through his bullhorn] Freeze, Jefferson! The gig is up! You are wanted for child mo-les-tation! Cartman: [hops to Mr. Jefferson's defense, standing in front of him] No! I am sick and tired of people harassing Mr. Jefferson! [a crowd, including the boys' parents, gathers] All I've been hearing since Mr. Jefferson moved here are sick lies! That he molests children, that he's a bad father, that he has plastic surgery! Michael: It's ignorant. Scene Description: His lower jaw literally drops to the ground. He bends down, picks it up, and pops it back in place. Cartman: Sure, maybe Mr. Jefferson's a little different. But that's because he had to work all the time when he was young and missed out on his childhood. What's wrong with wanting to have the innocence and beauty of a child? Kyle: [returns with Blanket] All right, let's just say all the bad things said about Mr. Jefferson are lies! Let's say the police department does just go around spending their time framing people for crimes they didn't commit! Let's say it's all made up, and Mr. Jefferson is just a nice guy who's trying to be a child because he never got to have a childhood. Well that's fine, except for that he HAS children now! And when people have children, they have to grow up! Michael: [closeup for a few seconds] You're right. I've been so obsessed with my childhood that I've forgotten about his. I thought having lots of rides and toys was enough, but... Blanket doesn't need a playmate. He needs a father, and a normal life. Chickuckoo gainuh. [genuflects behind Blanket] Blanket, I wanna give away all my money. I- I wanna get a normal job and... take a shot at raising you in a normal setting. Scene Description: Blanket removes the ornate mask, and Blanket blinks while shielding his eyes. Blanket moves over to his friends. Blanket: Look everybody! I'm a normal little boy. Yates: [approaches with Harris] Well, if you're gonna give away all your money, then, I guess we can drop all those charges. No point in putting another poor black man in jail. Kyle: All right! Things just might work out! Michael: Things can always work out, as long as we know we have the power to change. Scene Description: Music begins to play as the neighbors and officers gather around him. Michael: We all have the power to change if we search inside our hearts And we start to heal the wounds of all our yesterdays And you know it might be hard, but all you've got to do is start, And you can change all of your evil molesting ways. Jejabee durtah! Hee-hee! OOOOH! Jejabee durtah! Hee-hee! Jamonah! butcha-tamonah! Chich-cha!

Scene Description: Interstate 285 looking north, twilight fading to night. There are two lanes on either side of the highway, with a grass median in between. A Snacky Cakes truck rolls by. Tumbleweeds begin to roll. A few seconds later, the highway sign begins to shake violently and then crackle with lightning. The camera pans to the right and more lightning is seen until a sphere of energy with a doorway appears. More tumbleweeds roll by. Scene Description: A flash of light follows, and a humanoid steps forth from the sphere. He looks around and mumbles something. He walks towards the highway, looking around all the while. A car comes up quick on him and he freezes in the headlights for a while, then jumps out of the way as a Busy Beavers Moving Company truck barrels past him. A car comes up on him on the other side of the highway. He gets up quickly and steps out of the way. Traffic picks up and the humanoid dodges all the vehicles until a car almost runs him over. The car brakes and tips him over. Scene Description: South Park, next day. The boys approach a house, which has more snow on it than usual in South Park, especially along the windows. Indeed, it looks like the town has just had a snow storm overnight. Each of the boys carries a shovel. Stan rings the bell. A woman answers. Woman: Yes? Cartman: [sweetly] Hello ma'am. We're going around town and offering snow-shoveling service. Would you like your driveway and sidewalk shoveled for eight thousand dollars? Woman: Oh well, I certainly could use some little snow-shovelers, but eight thousand dollars seems a little steep. How about ten dollars? Cartman: Ooo, ouch, ma'am, please, let go of that tight grip you have on my balls! Ten dollars, you're breaking my balls, ma'am! Woman: How about fifteen dollars? Cartman: It's a deal! All right, guys, let's get to work! [moments later, Stan and Kyle are clearing the driveway while Kenny clears the front lawn, moving by Cartman, who is now seated on the steps talking on a cell phone] Yeah, it's so totally awesome. Craig crapped his pants when he saw it. Yeah, sweet. So what's goin' on over there? Yeah, that's pretty cool. [Kyle walks up to him and stops] No way! He did not! Aw dude, that is so weak. [notices Kyle, then lowers the phone] What? Kyle: You've been on your fucking phone since we started! Cartman: Dude, I'm takin' a break. Kyle: A break from what?! You haven't done anything! Cartman: Kyle, how many times do we have to go through this? I'm the negotiator. I negotiate our price with the customers. Kyle: All you ever do is talk about your balls! Cartman: It works, doesn't it? Did I not just get us an extra five bucks? Kyle: If you want your share of the money, then you're gonna shovel snow like the rest of us! Cartman: Hey! Don't boss me around, you fuckin' Jew! I will kick your ass! Scene Description: Moments later the doorbell rings again. This time the camera is in the house looking at the door from an angle. The woman approaches and opens the door. The boys are shown, with Cartman keeping his now-bloody nose from oozing any more blood. Stan: Ma'am, do you have a rag and some bandages? Woman: Oh goodness, what happened? Cartman: Shoveling accident. Woman: Oooh, no, come on inside. [leads them in and stops in the middle of the living room, in front of the TV. A newscast is on] Wait right here, I'll be right back. [walks off] Cartman: You're so lucky I have a... sore shoulder, Kyle, or I would have let you have it. Stan: Cartman, just keep your mouth shut. News Announcer: This is breaking news. Here's Anchorman Aaron Brown. [the boys turn to watch] Aaron Brown: [CNN anchor. An image of the humanoid is shown, with the caption "Guest from the Future" above it] Incredible, absolutely amazing news today. A man from the future has come back in time and is in a government hospital after being hit by a car. Stan: Whoa. Aaron Brown: Christina Naylon has more. Christina Nylon: [soldiers patrol the area around Hangar 18] The news is incredible, Aaron. Experts and scientists have been with the man from the future for several hours now, and have been able to learn that he is from the year 3045. His condition is stable, and speculation continues as to why he has come. Has he come to deliver a cure for cancer? Or to fix something wrong with the past? Aaron Brown: Have to interrupt you there, Christina. Apparently, Brad Morgan is inside the base with breaking news. Brad? Brad Morgan: [inside the base. Scientists and soldiers mill around the alien's bed] Aaron, the scientists have been able to communicate further and have uncovered that the man from one thousand years in the future has come to our time... looking for work. Uh, he has said that the future is so overwhelmingly overpopulated that there are simply no jobs in his time, and so he built a time portal and has come back to 21st century America, uh, to find a job here. Aaron Brown: Heheh, it's absolutely astounding. He came back here for work? Brad Morgan: Huh... that's right, Aaron. Hi- his plan is to get a job here, in our time, so that he can put the money he earns into a savings account, uh, which will earn interest, and by the year 3045 be worth billions of dollars, uh which of course in the future will be worth only hundreds of dollars, but uh, enough, he says, to feed his family. Aaron Brown: And now I understand we're going to Harrison Moore, uh, for an explanation on how the time portal works. Harrison? Harrison Moore: [at the time portal. News vans, reporters and scientists, one in a space suit, gather around and marvel at the portal] Aaron, I'm standing at the time border which scientists say follow Terminator rules. That is, it's one way only and you can't go back. This is in contrast, say, to Back To The Future rules, where back and forth is possible, and of course, Timerider rules, which are just plain silly. Anyway, it appears that the man from the future is here to stay. Scene Description: Later, Stan returns home. He enters with his shovel. Stan: Mom, Dad! Did you see? They found a man from the future! Randy: We know, Stanley. We've been watching. Aaron Brown: If you're just joining us, a man from over two thousand years into the future has come through a one-way time portal looking for work. Uh, the President is expected to give an announcement at any time. Harrison Moore: Breaking news here at the time portal, Aaron. It appears that another person from the future has just arrived! [the camera pans right to show a HazMat team checking the person for radiation] It looks as if the job at Wendy's did work for the original immigrant; this second arrivee claims that man's family is now much better off, and wishes the same for his family. Scene Description: Stan's house, night. Sharon puts Stan to bed and tucks him in. Sharon: There you go. All set, sweetie? Stan: Mom, can we go try to see the people from the future? I have a bunch of questions I wanna ask 'em. Sharon: I'm sure a lot of people do, hon. It's pretty exciting, isn't it? Now, you just get some sleep. [turns off Stan's lamp] You've had a busy day. [walks off. At the door she turns and looks at him] Goodnight, sweetie. Stan: Night, Mom. [after she leaves, he puts his arms up and behind his head and smiles] Wow, two people from the future. How cool. Scene Description: Interstate 285 looking north, twilight fading to night. The highway sign begins to shake violently and then crackle with lightning. The camera pans to the right and more lightning is seen until it reaches the portal. A flash of light follows, and an humanoid steps forth from the sphere. Another flash brings forth another humanoid. Another flash brings forth a third humanoid. Another flash brings forth his wife, another flash brings forth their daughter, and another flash brings forth their son. Another flash brings forth another humanoid. They head for the highway, which is busy now. They all make their way across, avoiding being struck as they cross the lanes. Scene Description: South Park, day. The boys once again make their rounds as shovelers and stop at a house. Stan rings the doorbell, the door opens, and a different woman greets them. Mrs. Landis: Yes? Stan: Hello, Mrs. Landis. Would you like snow-shoveling service again today? Mrs. Landis: Ooh, oh dear, I'm sorry boys, but I've already hired someone else to do it. Cartman: What?! Who?! Mrs. Landis: One of those immigrants from the future. He said he would do it for twenty-five cents. Kyle: Twenty-five cents? Well that's not even worth it. Stan: All right guys, come on. Let's go to the next house. [the boys turn to go back to the sidewalk...] Kyle: Dude. [the camera pulls back to show these immigrants shoveling snow off sidewalks and driveways up and down the street] Stan: Son of a bitch! Scene Description: CNN News Brief. An image of a family from the future is shown, with the caption above reading "Time Immigrants". Aaron Brown: Still more immigrants from the future arrived at the time border today, some even bringing their entire families. the purplish goo that they have on their bodies when they arrive is an ectoplasmic side effect of the time-travel process. This is all giving scientists a great opportunity to learn even more about American life in the future. Chris Holt joins us now. Chris? Chris Holt: [seated to Brown's left] Yes, there are incredible things we're learning about Americans in the future, Aaron. I- it appears that in the future, Americans have evolved into a hairless uniform mix of all races. They are all one color, which is a yellowy light-brownish whitish color. Uh, it seems race is no longer an issue in the future, because all ethnicities have mixed into one. Perhaps most interesting is how this has affected their language. The people in the future speak a complete mix of English, Chinese, Turkish and, indeed, all world languages, which sounds something like this: [makes three guttural sounds] Back to you, Aaron. Aaron Brown: Apparently the people from the future are having a pretty easy time finding work. Since they offer to work for such low wages, they're being hired all over America. Scene Description: A meeting has assembled somewhere. Two flags hang from the back of the meeting room, one of them American, the other of Colorado. Men from all walks of life argue amongst themselves. Man 1: [left side, front row] This is bullcrap! I ain't standin' for this! Darryl Weathers: [at the podium] All right, folks, my name is Darryl Weathers and I'm with the Construction Workers' Union. I work with a lot of fine men who have families to feed. Now, I don't know about you all, but we worked long and hard to get our pay up to a level where we could make a decent living. And now these people from the future are showin' up and offerin' to do the same work for next to nothin'! They took our jobs! [the audience, which is unemployed, clamors in agreement] Man 2: [rises, wears dark blue short-sleeve shirt, black pants] We're in the moving business! Fourteen years we've been workin' our butts off! Now these future folk come in and we can't get work nowhere! They took our jobs! Man 3: They took your jobs! [the rest of the audience clamors] Man 4: Well what about us in the fast-food business?! The restaurants are firing us 'cause the future people work for a lot less! They took our jobs! Other men: [at random times] They took your jobs! Stan: [pipes up] It's affecting kids too! Me and my friends started our own snow-shoveling business. We were trying to be responsible and make money, you know? But then the people came along and, and now we're out of work too! [silence] Oh, they took our jobs! Other men: [at random times] They took yer jobs! Scene Description: Interstate 285 looking north, twilight fading to night. The highway sign is shown, but the camera pulls back to show a new CAUTION sign showing an entire family crossing. The signs begin to sway back and forth violently and crackle with lightning. The portal is shown, but now it expands so the people from the future swarm into the present en masse. Scene Description: South Park, night. At Stan's house, Randy and Sharon are at the sofa reading. Sharon reads a book, Randy reads the paper. Stan enters from the front. Sharon spots him. Sharon: Stanley, it's almost eight o'clock. Where have you been? Stan: I was at a rally to protest all the immigrants from the future coming in and tryin' to- [an immigrant descends the stairs with a basket of dirty clothes and stops to ask Sharon something using guttural sounds] Sharon: Oh yes, the laundry machine is down in the basement and our son is home. Could you please set the table for dinner? [the immigrant makes some guttural sounds and walks away] Stan: [leery] Who is that? Randy: That's our new housekeeper, Mrs. Gruhd. She's gonna help around the house on Tuesdays and Thursdays. [aside] And she'll do it for ten cents an hour. Stan: Oh, but that's the problem! Those goobacks are taking our jobs! Sharon: What?! Randy: Oh my God! [he and Sharon rise, Stan backs away a bit] Stan Marsh, how dare you use that time-bashing slur?! Sharon: Who taught you to talk like that?! Stan: Well dude, they are taking people's jobs away. Randy: They're only taking the small menial jobs that nobody else really wants to do. Stan: I wanted my job! Randy: Hey, Stanley, you need to understand something: Those people from the future have had a hard life! Where they come from is dirty and overpopulated and poor! You can't even imagine the kind of depression they come from! So, for us, who have everything sooo good, to judge them, is wrong! Do you understand?! Next time you think about calling them goobacks, you might just wanna stop for a second and think about how crappy the future really is! Sharon: That's right! We're not raising our son to be an ignorant timecist. Stan: Timecist? Sharon: You know, a racist, but against people from the- Stan: People from the future. Right, got it. Randy: All right, good. Now, let's all go eat some of Mrs. Gruhd's great future cooking. Scene Description: The O'Reilly Factor. Announcer: And now, here is Bill O'Reilly. Bill O'Reilly: Welcome, welcome to the No-Spin Zone, all right? And what we're talkin' about today are the immigrants from the future. All right? Now, most people are more than happy to give a helping hand to these people who obviously need it. All right? But others are starting to say that the time portal should be closed off. All right? Now, I've got two guests with me tonight who have opposing views on the matter. On my right is pissed-off, white-trash, redneck conservative. Darryl Weathers: Thanks for having me, Bill. Bill O'Reilly: And on my left is aging, hippie, liberal douche. Douche: Hello. Bill O'Reilly: Now, pissed-off redneck, you say we shouldn't allow anyone else through the time portal, all right? Darryl Weathers: You're Goddamned right! These people from the future are takin' all the work away from us decent present-day Americans! [leans in and low and almost grunts] They took our jobs! Skynard Man: They took our jobs! Darryl Weathers: Those jobs belong to people from the present! Bill O'Reilly: All right. What say you, aging hippie liberal douche? Douche: Heh, it's typical for conservatives rednecks like these to view the immigrants as the problem, heh, but really, the problem is America. It is our greedy multinational corporations that keep everyone else in poverty. Your ancestors came to America as immigrants. What right do you have to turn these people away? Bill O'Reilly: All right, redneck, your rebuttal? Darryl Weathers: [says nothing, then rises, leans forward and low, and almost grunts] They took our jobs!! Skynard man: They took our jobs! Stout man: [really slurring] Too-kourderb!! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The school bell rings and the students are in their seats. So are a lot of new immigrant students. Herbert Garrison: All right, children, the school board has mandated that I must now teach class in both present-day English and Futurespeak. Kyle: What?! Herbert Garrison: So, with that in mind, let's continue our lessons on verbs. Remember that there are transitive verbs such as [writes on the board] "The boy threw the red ball," which in Futurespeak of course, is [makes a sentence of grunts and guttural sounds] Everyone say it with me? [the kids repeat the sentence, which sounds like a series of barks, coming from them. Jimmy attempts it] Aaand there are intransitive verbs, such as [writes on the board] "The 11:15 bus from Denver arrived twelve hours late." Or in Futurespeak, "Vvut." The kids: "Vvut." Kyle: Dude, hold on! This is bullcrap! If they wanna live in our time, then they should learn our language! Craig: Yeah! Stan: That's right! [other students speak up] Aging hippie liberal douche: [steps in] Hey now, these immigrants have a right to retain their culture. Who are we to say our language is best? They deserve to have an education just as much as you do. Herbert Garrison: Thank you, aging, hippie, liberal douche. Aging hippie liberal douche: You betcha. [steps out] Timmy: Timmih. Herbert Garrison: Okay, now let's get back to it, kids. What kind of verb is this? [writes on the board] "The sad girl puts balls in her mouth." Or, in Futurespeak of course, "Gluch gligh balls glych gligh." Scene Description: Back at the meeting room, the unemployed men gather for another rally against the immigrants from the future. Man 5: This is bullcrap! Darryl Weathers: Listen up, everybody! We've just received a reply from our congressman. [unfurls a letter] "Dear intolerant rednecks, we sympathize with you all losing your jobs. However, we feel your solution of shooting everyone who crosses the time border is inhumane." Chet: What? That's ridiculous! Man 6: They can't do that! Man 7: That was a good idea! Darryl Weathers: So it appears the government ain't gonna help us! Which means we gotta take matters into our own hands! The only way to stop people from the future is to stop the future from happening! Man 8: Hey, that's right! If there is no future, then there'll be no people from the future to come back and take our jobs! Man 9: Take r jurbs Darryl Weathers: All right! So, any ideas how we can stop the future from happening? Chet: How about we cause more global warming, so that in the future, the polar ice caps melt, and it ushers in a new ice age? Darryl Weathers: [pause] How the hell is global warming gonna cause an ice age?! Chet: Well you know, the... global warming could bring on like a climate shift or somethin'? Darryl Weathers: Chet, you are a fuckin' retard, you know that?! Even if global warming were real, which all proven scientific data shows it isn't, it would take millions of years for a climate shift to happen! You think an ice age can just happen all of a sudden-like? Chet: Well I was just tryin' to be helpful. Darryl Weathers: Well help yourself to a fuckin' science book, 'cause you're talkin' like a fuckin' retard! Now, come on people, we've got to think! Damnit, they took our jaorbs! Many men: [randomly] They took our jobs! Scene Description: South Park, day. The boys walk down the commercial district noticing immigrants from time to time. Various immigrants greet them and try to sell them fruits, but the boys walk on. A hovering futuristic car comes up next to them, sets down, and bounces the front end up and down like a lowrider. The driver then activates the hydraulics and the car begins to dance. The boys just look in wonder as the car settles down and then moves off. Its exhaust hits the boys' faces and they cough. Next, the boys head for a Wendell's Burgers restaurant. They enter and head for the counter. Kyle: Aw, dude. Scene Description: The boys see that the restaurant is staffed by immigrants from the future. One of them approaches to take an order. Cashier: Gaur da'ka? Stan: Can you speak in present-day English please? Cashier: Uh oh... Can I help... you? Stan: Uh yeah, I want a double cheeseburger and fries. Cashier: [looks at the boys quizzically, then shows off the chicken sandwich to his left] Chicken sandwich? Stan: [getting annoyed] No, a double cheeseburger and fries! Cashier: [taps away at the machine's keyboard] A cheeg- fry? Stan: What?! Cashier: A cheeg- fry? Cartman: We can't understand you, asshole! [the cashier's manager comes up and talks to him for a bit. The cashier points at the boys. The manager takes over and resets the order] Manager: Can I help you? Stan: I'm trying to order a double cheeseburger! Manager: [shows off the chicken sandwich to his left] Chicken sandwich? Stan: No, it's not a chicken sandwich! [his parents enter the restaurant and stand in line behind him and the boys] I want a goddamned cheeseburger and some goddamned fries you fucking goobacks! Randy: Stan Marsh! Stan: Aw- awwww! Scene Description: Back at the rally... Darryl Weathers: Come on, people, think! How are we gonna stop these immigrants from takin' our jobs! Man 10: Hey, I got an idea. Uh maybe we should all take off all our clothes, scramble into a big pile and start gettin' gay with each other. Chet: Did you say "get gay"? Darryl Weathers: Hey, yeah. Well that's not a bad idea! Man 11: What? Gettin' gay? Darryl Weathers: Think about it: These people are from the future, right? Well, if we can git everyone to turn queer, then there won't be no children to have no children, and the people from the future won't exist to take our jobs! Jimbo Kern: I ain't turnin' queer. Darryl Weathers: You have to, Jimbo, or else we won't be able to stop them! They took 'r jaobs! Man 2: Yeah, they took our jobs! Man 8: [slurring] Took our jobs! Darryl Weathers: [begins to take off his clothes till he's in briefs and boots] Let's go over to that part of town that all the future people moved into and start humpin' each other until they disappear! Come on! [comes down from the podium and makes his way to the doors. His briefs fall off, and he turns around] Come on! You want your jobs back or not?! [turns around, walks out and turns right] Scene Description: Welcome to Little Future. This part of South Park is congested and built upwards. Parts of it are rundown. The drivers there all drive hovercars. Some kids dance around on a stoop as adults walk by. Darryl Weathers: [appears with the other rally participants, all of them naked] All right, you future bastards! Think you can take our jubs?! Well, we'll show you! Come'ere, Earl!. [the burly man wearing the Skynard hat steps forth and starts making out with Weathers] How do you like that, gooback?! [the immigrants just stare back puzzled. Weathers addresses the rest of his peers] Come on, you guys! [the other men just stare for a while, then begin to make out as well. The immigrants just look at them.] Everyone who believes in America, join in with us! We're gonna make these future bastards nonexistent! Scene Description: South Park Center for Seismic Activity. Randy arrives for work with Stan in tow. Stan: Aw, come on, Dad! How come I have to go to work with you? Randy: Because you're being grounded, Stanley! Now I don't wanna hear another word out of your intolerant mouth! [Randy opens the door and they both go inside. The office walls are now brown instead of gray. Randy closes the door and motions Stanley to a chair behind it] You just sit right there, Stanley, and you think about what you've done! [puts his coat on the coat rack and sits at his desk to begin his day] Boss: You'll find all the copiers and printers in the next room over and then uh- Randy: Hey, Mr. Nelson. Mr. Nelson: Oh... R- Randy... Uh, I'm surprised to see you here. Randy: Why? This is my office. Mr. Nelson: Ooohh boy, didn't you get my phone message? Ooh, this is awkward. Well, the thing is, Randy, you've been- replaced. Randy: What? Mr. Nelson: Well we found an immigrant from the future who knows geology and he offered to work for next to nothing. Uh, this is Mr. Glughgogawk. Mr. Glughgogawk: Gheglo. Randy: You can't be serious. Mr. Nelson: I'm... sorry, Randy. It's just, with all the budget cuts and all, we'll give you some time to clean out your desk. Follow me, Mr. Glughgogawk. I'll show you to the copy room. [walks away with the immigrant. Randy is left alone to contemplate his next move] Randy: Oh my God. They took my jarb!! Stan: They took yer jarb!! Scene Description: CNN Breaking News. Announcer: This is CNN. Aaron Brown: Breaking news at the time border. We go now live to Harrison Moore. Harrison Moore: Aaron, I'm standing at the time border where some kind of mass protest has broken out. [more immigrants enter through the portal] Hundreds of men who have lost their jobs to time immigrants are here having sex with one another. [a shot of all the men in a big pile, in all sorts of positions, as news crews film them] These men have apparently sucked and screwed their way across the state and are now here at the time border trying to get national attention. These unemployed men have been having sex for several days. Joining me is their spokesperson, Randy Marsh. [Randy steps into view, patting his moustache down] Mr. Marsh, what exactly are you trying to accomplish? Randy: We're doing the only thing we can do. If our government is just gonna let anybody into our time who wants to come, then we have to take matters into our own hands. [another camera view shows Stan next to his father. Stan tries to block out this interview with eyes shut tight and his fingers on his nose] We're trying to turn everyone gay so that there are no future humans! Present-day America Number One! Darryl Weathers: Yeah America! [A close-up of the mass of men fornicating with each other] Man 8: Take our jobs! Harrison Moore: Do you really think you can get enough people to turn gay to destroy the future of humanity? Randy: All we can do is try, Harrison. Aging hippie liberal douche: [walks into the picture] Trying to stop immigration is intolerant and ignorant. Those immigrants have a right to pursue happiness. Harrison Moore: [lowers the mic to Stan] Young man, what do you think about all this? Stan: I think it's wrong to call them goobacks because they're no different from us. [loosens up and opens his eyes] They're just humans trying to make their lives better. Look, it sucks that the immigrants' time is so crappy, but the cold hard truth is that if we let them all come back to our time, then it's just gonna make our time crappy too. Maybe the answer isn't trying to stop the future from happening, but making the future better. [the mound of men stops copulating] Man 9: [at the top of the mound] Huh? Stan: I mean, maybe if we all commit right now to working toward a better future, then, then the future won't be so bad, and, these immigrants won't need to come back here looking for work. Man 11: [inside the mound] Hey. He's right. If we build for a better future, the immigrants will stay there. Man 12: Yeah. We've got to start working towards a brighter tomorrow. Randy: Well what are we waiting for? Scene Description: Montage of green living. First scene is a group of men planting trees. Next scene is a group of people at a recycling center watching Mr. Garrison toss in his bag of spent aluminum cans. Mr. Slave then tosses in his load. Scene Description: Next scene has the boys, Randy, and Weathers bringing food to African tribesmen. Next scene has the boys helping Randy and Weathers paint a wooden fence white. Next scene is a newly-minted wind farm in South Park made by the townspeople. Scene Description: Stan and Shelly look at each other, smiling. Next scene has Weathers plugging his electric car into an outlet next to the garage door as others watch. Next scene has Stan bringing a gift to the towm bum. A bunch of adults follow him proudly. Next scene has some of the kids and many of the adults swaying gently to some music. Singer: We've got to work for a better future, we've got to join hands for tomorrow. Take the first step and you will see the future begins with you and me. We can start to make a difference if we want it for our children Recycle that can and plant that tree, 'cause the future begins with you and me. Cartman: Look, it's working! [one by one, the immigrants vanish from view] Singer: The future begins with you and me. Darryl Weathers: The immigrants are fadin' away! Stan: We're doing it! Scene Description: Next scene shows the townsfolk cleaning up a meadow. Next scene has the Marshes watching Weathers and an assistant install solar panels on the Marshes' roof. Last scene has the townsfolk tilling ground at a farm. Singer: We've got to work for a better future, we've got to join hands for tomorrow. Take the first step and you will see the future- Stan: Dude, wait, wait, ho- hold on. Wait a second. [drops his shovel] This is gay. Kyle: [drops his shovel] This is really gay. Cartman: Yeah, this is even gayer than all the men getting in a big pile and having sex with each other. Stan: Okay, sorry, my bad, everyone back in the pile. [everyone races back to the pile. The men take off their clothes] Darryl Weathers: Back in the pile everyone! Randy: We're going back to the pile. Man 13: Jump in! Man 14: Come on, everybody! Man 15: Never mind, we're going back to the pile! Man 16: Took yer jurb!

Scene Description: South Park Elementary, the school gym. Six cheerleaders, all fourth-graders, lead a Pep Rally '04. Cheerleaders: We are South Park, Green and White. Let's go, Cows! Fight, fight, fight! Nobody can beat a Cow! Let's gooo, South Park![in the audience, Cartman yawns.] Red: Hey, South Park! Do you have school spirit? Students: [all grades] Moooooooo! Bebe: I think us Cows have the best school spirit. Huh, Mandy? Mandy: [new fourth grader, with braces that makes her speak with a lisp] Yeah, and South Park is really gonna stick it to Littleton next week! Bebe: Let's bring out our mascot and get this pep rally going! [an adult in a cow suit comes out, waves to the kids, then begins to dance.] Butters: It's Mooey! Mooey, wave to me! Wave to me, Mooey! Cartman: Butters, shut the hell up! [As Mooey dances, PETA bursts in through the double doors and rushes towards the cheerleaders. They apprehend Mooey and begin beating him up, then pulling his head off] Blonde PETA woman: [through her megaphone] We are People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals! We protest your insensitive use of cows as your school mascot! Herbert Garrison: Oh, Jesus, not PETA again. Dreadlocked PETA Man: [approaches Bebe] Cows are maimed and slaughtered and used as a commodity! [throws a bucket of real blood on Bebe. Other PETA members go after the rest of the cheerleaders] Blonde PETA woman: [showing old slaughterhouse scenes on how to prepare beef] This is the fate of the cow! This is your insensitivity! Students: Ewww! [a kindergartner begins to cry] Gas Mask PETA Member: The cow is a slave! The cow is a commodity! To be thrown away by a society gone wrong! Herbert Garrison: All right, children, I have just been informed that since our school has been attacked by eco-terrorists for the 47th time, we are going to change our school mascot. Class: Awwwwwwww! Stan: But, Mr. Garrison, if we change our mascot, that means the eco-terrorists win! Herbert Garrison: That's right, Stanley, the eco-terrorists win. [approaches the students with a stack of papers and begins distributing it] Now, I have here a mascot selection sheet. Every student is supposed to check the box next to the mascot they like the most. And the most popular selection will be the school's new mascot. Clyde: But we like being the Cows! [a bucket of real blood is doused on him and the rest of the class gasps.] Dreadlocked PETA man: You're responsible for the enslavement and genocide of millions! Herbert Garrison: [taking action] Ge-get outta here, PETA! We're changin' the mascot already! Dreadlocked PETA man: Who'll speak for those who cannot speak for themselves?! Herbert Garrison: [throws some papers at the PETA member] Oh, ge-get outta here! [breaks out a can of mace and sprays it on him] Ge-get out! [the man leaves] Jesus, where do they keep coming from?! [sprays some more for effect] Go on, get outta here. Stan: This is bullcrap, dude! Herbert Garrison: Now children, it's not that bad. There's plenty of great new mascots on the sheet to chose from. The Hurricanes, the Blizzards, the Redskins, the Indians... Wendy: But aren't Indians and Redskins just as offensive? Herbert Garrison: No, those are fine. PETA doesn't care about people. Scene Description: The school hallway. Cartman: Goddammit, vegans piss me off! Now we're gonna end up with a stupid eagle or a faggy bobcat as a mascot. Kyle: Wait. You guys, I have an awesome idea! We should secretly go around and tell all the students we can, to not check any of the mascots on this election sheet, and instead write in "Giant Douche." Cartman: Ye-heah! Kenny: (Yeah, totally awesome!) Cartman: Yeh- no, no, wait, wait. I got a better idea you guys. What we should do is we should secretly go around and tell all the students we can to not check any of the mascots on this election sheet, and instead write in "Turd Sandwich." Kyle: Turd Sandwich isn't better than Giant Douche. Cartman: Heh, it's only about a thousand times better, am I right guys? Come on! We have to tell everybody fast! This is gonna be so funny! Kyle: It was my idea and we're gonna tell everyone to write in "Giant Douche!" It's way funnier! Cartman: It is not! Kyle: Kenny, what's funnier? A giant douche or a turd sandwich? Kenny: (Giant douche.) Cartman: Aw, you're just saying that because I broke your cat's leg last week. Kyle: Stan, do you pick giant douche or turd sandwich? Stan: Dude, I really don't care. [walks away] Kyle: [tallies the votes. Behind him, Butters approaches his locker and prepares to open it] That's two against one, 'cause Stan doesn't care. So it's giant douche. Cartman:: [notices, then runs to Butters and pulls him towards the other boys] ...Wait, wait, what about Butters? Butters: Huh? Kyle: You hate Butters. Cartman: Goddammit, you guys, Butters is our friend! And he's allowed to have his opinion! Butters, which is funnier? A stupid not-funny giant douche or a super funny turd sandwich? Butters: Hahaha, a turd sandwich! Kyle: You misled him, fatass! Cartman: It's the best choice, and me and Butters are sticking with it. Butters: [crosses his arms] Yeah! ...What's this for? [the boys approach Jimmy] Kyle: Jimmy, we're gonna have everyone write in a mascot that's really funny, and you have to tell us which one would be funnier. Jimmy: That's a... fantastic idea fellas. Uh, the key to successful humor is s-staying power. Uh, tell me the first mascot idea. Kyle: A giant douche. Jimmy: Heh, huh okay, that's pretty funny. Now, what's the second? Cartman: A turd sandwich. Jimmy: Turhr... Ohokahay. Okay, now let's wait ten seconds. [ten seconds pass] Okay now, t-tell me the first one again? Kyle: Giant douche. Jimmy: [snickers] And the second? Cartman: Turd sandwich. Jimmy: [snickers] Gee, th-they're both screamingly funny, fellas. Better give it another ten seconds.[ten seconds pass] All right, now we'll see which one really has staying power. Number one? Kyle: A giant douche. Jimmy: [snickers] Okay, I think, that's it. Number 2? Cartman: Turd sandwich. Jimmy: [snickers] Gee, I don't know what to say, fellas. They're both instant classics. But I guess I'll have to go with giant douche, simply because the fact that it's a giant renders it useless, adding a parody slant to the satire. Cartman: Awwwww! Butters: Ohhh, we lost? Kyle: All right, it's decided. Let's all write in "Giant Douche." Cartman: Okay. You win, Kyle. Scene Description: The school gym. The students once again assembles on the bleachers. Herbert Garrison stands before the big-screen TV used in the rally earlier, and the TV reads "New School Mascot '04". Herbert Garrison: Attention students, we have tallied your mascot nomination sheets, and there will now be a school-wide vote between the top two nominations. So here is the first most-requested candidate, a giant douche. [a giant douche steps out from behind the TV and begins dancing to 2 Unlimited's "Get ready for this."] Kyle, Kenny: Go, giant douche! Giant Douche: Hey, South Park! Have we got school spirit?! [a smattering of applause] We've got spirit, yes we do! Giant douches, me and you! Let's gooooo, Douches! [a smaller smattering of applause] Herbert Garrison: And now your second nominee, Turd Sandwich. [a turd sandwich steps out from behind the TV and begins dancing to Baha Men's "Who Let The Dogs Out?"] Cartman: All right turd sandwich! Butters: Yeah! Kyle: Cartman? What the hell?! Cartman: Giant Douche sucks! Turd Sandwich: We've got spirit, yes we do! We are sandwiches filled with poo! Yeeaahhh! [a smattering of applause] Herbert Garrison: Students can now cast their choice between the Giant Douche and the Turd Sandwich. We'll count up the votes on Tuesday. Kyle: You won't get more votes than us, asshole! Cartman: Game on, Jew-boy! Butters: Yeah, game on, Jew-boy! [looks at Cartman, smiles, and looks back at Kyle] Scene Description: The front doors of the school. Stan and Kenny flank the entrance and hand out buttons as the other kids come out. Kyle: Be sure to vote for Giant Douche. Kenny: (Giant Douche! Vote for him!) Kyle: Giant Douche is your man! Stan: [exiting] Kyle, aren't you taking this a little too far? I mean, do we really want a giant douche to be our school mascot? Kyle: Dude, I'm not going to lose to Cartman's stupid turd sandwich. [something like an ice cream truck is heard, and Cartman appears driving his Big Wheels bike, pulling a portable stage. Butters is dancing on the stage, dressed as a Hawaiian hula dancer. In his hands he has leis to hand out.] Cartman: Vote for Turd Sandwich. This is the most important election of our lives. [Butters begins tossing out the leis, and kids step forth to get them. A man shows up as well, but gets nothing] Turd Sandwich brings us hope for change. A vote for Turd Sandwich is a Vote for tomorrow! Kyle: There. Do you really want that asshole to win? Stan: I'm not voting! Kyle: What? Y-you gotta vote, dude. Haven't you seen the Rock the Vote stuff or, or Puff Daddy's Vote or Die?! Stan: I just think this whole thing is stupid! [walks off angrily] Kyle: Kenny, we have got to make Stan understand the importance of voting, because he'll definitely vote for our guy. Kenny: (Yeah.) Scene Description: The Marsh house, dinnertime. The family is gathered at table, with Marvin at one end, Randy at the other. Sharon comes in with plates and the main course. Sharon: How was school today, Stanley? Stan: It was ridiculous. We have to have a new school mascot and we're supposed to vote between a giant douche and a turd sandwich. Sharon: ...What did you say? Randy: Did you just say that... voting is ridiculous? Stan: No, I think voting is great, but, if I have to choose between a douche and a turd, I just don't see the point. Randy: [clenches his fists] You don't see the point! Oh, you young people just make me sick! Sharon: Stanley, do you know how many people died so you could have the right to vote?! Stan: Mom, I just don't think there's much of a difference between a douche and a turd. I d-I don't care. Randy: [jumps upright and plants his hands on the table] You don't care?! You really want a turd sandwich as your school mascot?! On your football helmets?! A turd?! Sharon: Well, hold on, Randy, I think a turd sandwich is a little better than them having a giant douche on their uniforms. Randy: You're crazy!! A d-a douche is at least clean! Sharon: It's sexist, is what it is! Randy: You don't understand the issues, Sharon! Sharon: Are you calling me ignorant?! Randy: You think the school mascot should be a turd sandwich? Well you're not exactly Einstein! Sharon: I am sick of you belittling my opinion, you son of a bitch! [picks up the casserole and chucks it at Randy, who ducks and looks back at her angrily. They both leave the table in opposite directions.] Shelly: [leaving the table as well] I hate this family, I hate it! [Stan looks on, shocked, while Marvin continues eating unruffled. The door bell rings. Stan leaves the table and opens the front door. A black man is outside... with his posse] Stan: Puff Daddy? Puff Daddy: Your friend Kyle told me you don't understand the importance of voting. Stan: I... Puff Daddy: Apparently, you haven't heard of my "Vote or Die" campaign. [holds up a shirt with the slogan on it] Stan: "Vote or Die"? [upset] What the hell does that even mean?! Puff Daddy: [whips out a gun from his back pocket, cocks it, and aims it at Stan] What you think it means, bitch! Stan: Aaaah! Scene Description: Music video. Stan is running down the street. An open-roof car pops up behind him and bears down on him. Posse: Vote or die, motherfucker, motherfucker, vote or die!. Puff Daddy: Rock the vote or else I'm gonna stick a knife through your eye.. Posse: Democracy is founded on one simple rule! Scene Description: Overhead shot of Puff Daddy, dressed in a white suit, then in a black suit. Puff Daddy: Get out there and vote or I will motherfucking kill you.Yeah. Scene Description: At a polling station encouraging one female voter. Puff Daddy: I like it when you vote, bitch! (bitch!) Shake them titties when you vote, bitch! (bitch!) [seated as two women dance for him, their asses in his face] I slam my jimmy through your mouth roof (mouth roof) [gently spanks a woman as she goes in to vote] Now get your big ass in the pollin' booth. [Fish-eye overhead view of Puff Daddy. He shoves his gun into the camera] I said vote, bitch, or I'll fucking kill you! Scene Description: Stan runs until he sees a passageway between two buildings. He does in to try to escape, but Puff Daddy and his crew find him. Posse: Vote or die, motherfucker, motherfucker, vote or die! Puff Daddy: You can't run from a .38, go ahead and try! Scene Description: Puffy is seated in an armchair wearing a wig, surrounded by women, all in front of a Vegas-style sign saying "DIDDY" Posse: Let your opinion be heard! You gotta make a choice Scene Description: Raps to a chrome reflection. Puff Daddy: 'Cause after I slit your throat you won't have a fucking voice [Stan runs again, looking behind him, but runs into a gun in his face] Puff Daddy: Vote or die! Vote or die! [Puff Daddy's gun is joined by the guns of his posse. Stan is looking at five barrels] Stan: ...Okay. I'll vote. Scene Description: Cartman and Butters begin door-to-door campaigning. Cartman knocks on a door and Clyde answers. Clyde: What do you guys want? Cartman: We were just wondering who you might be voting for, for the school's new mascot. Clyde: I haven't decided yet. Cartman: Oh really? Well, that's interesting. You certainly should think about it and make the right decision. [pulls out a wrapped hard candy and shows it] Butterscotch candy? Clyde: [reaches out and grabs it] Sure. [opens it] Cartman: Clyde, are you aware of what Turd Sandwich can bring to our school? Butters: A turd sandwich is not only the first turd to be nominated school mascot, but even the first sandwich. [Clyde bites into the candy, producing loud crunches] Cartman: You see, what Turd Sandwich brings to our school, Clyde, is a complete package. The turd and the bread. And the lettuce, and the olives. Butters: Whe-where as Giant Douche is just, well, ju-just a, ju-ju-just a giant douche. Cartman: So, come voting day, you'll now most likely vote for the turd sandwich, yes? Clyde: [finishes the candy, then thinks for a few seconds] I'm still not totally sure. Cartman: Well then, perhaps we could interest you in [pulls out another wrapped candy] another butterscotch candy? [Clyde takes the candy and consumes that one as well] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, now a polling station. A "Vote for School Mascot!" hangs on the back wall and over the hallway. A reluctant Stan takes a ballot, and Kyle smiles, thinking he has Stan on his side. Kyle: You're doing the right thing, Stan. Don't you feel like you're a part of something now? Stan: I guess... [P Diddy and his posse look on from one end of the polling station, with P cocking his gun] Kyle: Look, it may not seem important now, but your vote really does count, and we all have to do our part. Stan: Okay. [finishes up and seals his ballot, then walks away] Kyle: Woah... wait, what are you doing? Stan: I'm voting. Kyle: No, no, you... you wrote down Turd Sandwich. Stan: Yeah, I know. Kyle: ...Dude, you're supposed to vote for Giant Douche. Stan: [annoyed] I thought I was supposed to make my own decision. Kyle: Well yeah, but not if your decision is for Turd Sandwich! What the hell is wrong with you?! Stan: Wait a minute, you didn't want me to vote, you wanted me to vote for your guy! Kyle: Well, I just figured you'd vote for my guy! Who's fuckin' friend are you?! [calls out to] Puffy! Cartman: [interrupts] Hey, fuck off, Kyle. [aside, about Puffy and his crew] Don't let them intimidate you, Stan. I'll help walk you to the booth. And then I'm gonna buy you a nice steak dinner with all the trimmings. Stan: Oh, forget it! I'm not gonna be persuaded into voting and I'm and I'm not gonna be threatened into voting if I don't feel comfortable with it! I'm not gonna vote and you can all just live with it! Scene Description: The Principal's Office, later. Principal Victoria: We've simply had it with your son, Mr. and Mrs. Marsh. Voting just doesn't appear to be important to him. Randy: Stanley, when you left for school this morning, you said you were going to vote! Stan: The whole thing is a joke! Sharon: You see? He's out of control. It's nearly torn our whole family apart. Principal Victoria: Well, my hands are tied. We can no longer have Stan's behavior jeopardizing the other children. He must be removed. Randy: Oh! Are you happy now, Stan? You just got yourself suspended! Principal Victoria: No, I'm afraid it's worse than that. By county law I'm bound to enforce the harshest punishment possible. Randy: Expulsion?! Principal Victoria: No. Banishment. Stan: B-bani-banishment? Principal Victoria: You can appeal to the city council, but I don't think it'll do any good. Your son must leave South Park, never to return. Sharon: [goes over to Randy and cries into his chest] Oh, Randy! Randy: Our son, banished! Where did we go wrong?! [cries on Sharon's shoulder] Stan: You-you're all joking, right? Scene Description: A moonlit partly-cloudy night in South Park. The townsfolk are gathered at the edge of town, with Stan facing them all alone. A horse stands at the ready on one side of Main Street. Mayor McDaniels: [steps forth and reads a proclamation] As it was in the times of our forefathers, so it is now. Stan Marsh, for not following our most sacred of rites, you are hereby banished from South Park for all eternity. Or until you decide that voting is important. Good-bye, Stan. May the gods treat you more kindly than we did. [the townsfolk step forth and begin ripping away at Stan's coat and shirt. Herbert Garrison is first: he rips off a piece of Stan's coat, spits on it, and throws it back at Stan. He leaves and Officer Barbady steps forth, repeating what Herbert Garrison did. Craig follows suit, then Kyle steps up] Kyle: Stan, don't you think this has gone far enough? Is it really that big a deal? [Stan sighs, but says nothing more in response] Yeah, just vote. For Giant Douche. Stan: I'm not voting! [Kyle then steps forth and repeats what the others did before him] A bodyguard: Yo, Puffy man, are we just gonna let this happen? [cocks his weapon] We've gots to kill this non-votin' fool! Puff Daddy: No, Justacious, let him go. He won't survive a fore-night in the wilderness. [the adults tie Stan up on the horse backwards and send him off with supplies to tide him over for a while] Randy: This is breaking your mother's heart, Stan. She couldn't even help tie you to the horse. Stan: Dad, isn't this a little extreme? Randy: Jesus. I guess maybe you'll never understand how important voting is. [puts a pail over Stan's head] Goodbye, Son. [stops for a few seconds, then swats the horse to get it moving. The horse walks off slowly. Stephen Stotch steps up with a horn and blows into it. Randy and Sharon stand together, embracing shoulders] That's... one of the hardest things a parent ever has to do. Scene Description: A plain, night. Stan rides into the night and into the morning on the plain, then through a desert, then into a forest. A group of people appear and spot him Bearded PETA member: Look! What is that? Blonde PETA member 2: Oh, the poor thing! Stan: Hello? [the people gather round and remove the pail] Blonde PETA member 2: Don't worry, we'll free you. Bearded PETA member: Just sit still for a moment. Stan: Oh, thank God. Bearded PETA member: Get offa him, you filthy human! [they throw Stan off the horse. The pail rolls away. Stan looks back, confused, tufts of hair popping out through the holes on his torn cap. The people were apparently talking to the horse, not to him. The camera goes back to the horse, and the people are shown to be members of PETA. They're cleaning the horse up] Blonde PETA member 2: Poor thing needs water. Bearded PETA member: You're safe now. Blonde PETA member 2: Shame on you, making this horse your slave. [a balding man throws real blood on Stan] Stan: Awww! Blonde PETA member 2: Come, you can live with us. Bearded PETA member: We will give you food and shelter. Stan: What about me? Bearded PETA member: Open the gate! [A pair of gates open up to the PETA compound. The members lead the horse in and Stan trails along. They approach whom looks to be the leader of the compound. The compound itself has all kinds of animals - it's an animal sanctuary] Blonde PETA member: [presenting the horse]This poor creature is in need of food and water. Balding man: [strokes the horse's mane] You have a home here, friend. Bearded PETA member: The... kid wants to stay, too. Stan: I was put on the horse. I didn't wanna ride it. Balding man: I don't know if you can stay. We'll have to ask Dr. Cornwallis. Come. [they walk among the animals. Stan looks around and takes it all in.] We don't normally allow outsiders. See, here we live in harmony with animals. They're not our pets but our fellow living beings. We work with the animals and try to live as they do. [stops, lowers his pants, and shits onto the ground. Stan looks on astonishment, then walks around the pile of shit as the man pulls his pants back up and walks on.] We make friends with the animals. We coexist, and we... intermarry. [approaches a llama and puts his arm around her neck] This is my wife, Janice. [Stan looks on quizzically] The outside world looks down on a man marrying a llama, but our love knows no boundaries. [he turns to the llama, has her face him, and starts kissing her. Stan just gawks at the pair] Stan: Wow, you guys really love animals. Balding man: [moves on to a man and a chicken] And why not? Mark here has been with Kelly for three years now. [moves on to another man and an ostrich] And Gary and Sally here have just managed to have a child together. [in a manger is an ostrich-baby, somewhat humanoid with an ostrich beak] Ostrich-baby: Kill me... Balding man: Yes, life here is good and natural. But now that you know where our compound is, you'll either have to live with us, or be murdered. [they stop before a tent] Stan: I'll live with you. Balding man: It's not up to you. You'll have to talk with Dr. Cornwallis. [Stan pauses at the tent's entrance, then enters and approaches a goat, which is munching on hay. The goat stops and looks at Stan, then resumes eating. Stan exits the tent] What did he say? Stan: He said I can stay. Balding man: Excellent! Dr. Cornwallis is wise beyond his year. Here's your PETA shirt and a bumper sticker. [Stan looks at his new stuff] Scene Description: SP Public Access Presents: Debate 2004. Announcer: This is Debate 2004 with your host, Jim Lehrer. Jim Lehrer: Welcome to the cable-access televised debate between a giant douche [screen left] and a turd sandwich [screen right] We'll start with Giant Douche. Sir, some students and parents are reluctant to have a... giant douche represent them. What do you say to those people? Giant Douche: Jim, first of all I would like to thank you for monitoring this debate. And I would like to thank all of the students and their parents for coming. Cartman: Aww, suck-up, suck-up! [a man behind him and to his right leans over and shushes him] What?! That's an obvious suck-up move. Giant Douche: But I would hope that those students and their parents who question my qualities would simply look at my opponent. He is a turd sandwich Turd Sandwich: [leaning forward] You're a turd sandwich. Giant Douche: ... No, sir, if you'll pardon me, you are in fact, the turd sandwich. Turd Sandwich: [quickly countering] You're a turd sandwich. Giant Douche: ... Sir, you are a turd sandwich. Turd Sandwich: [quickly countering] You're a turd sandwich. Jim Lehrer: Ahh, Turd Sandwich, I will ask you not to speak out of turn. Turd Sandwich: I-I'm sorry, Jim. Giant Douche: Anyway, as I was saying, ahh... wait, I-I forgot what I was saying. Turd Sandwich: Ha. What a douche. Jim Lehrer: All right, Turd Sandwich, this next question is for you. How should South Park Elementary enforce its laws of conduct for young athletes during sporting events. Turd Sandwich: [long pause] ...Uh, you know, uh, my opponent wouldn't even know the answer to that question. If you ask him the same question, he would not answer it. [Giant Douche just looks at him] He would stand around and just babble on and on about nothing until he was finally saved by the buzze-. [the buzzer sounds over his last two words.] Jim Lehrer: Your time is up, Turd. Scene Description: The PETA compound, next morning. Stan scrubs away at the empty tubs and buckets of food the animals ate from the previous day. The bald man approaches. Balding man: Stan, I want to introduce you to my stepdaughter, Teresa. [the camera pans down to show a lamb with small horns] She seems to have taken a liking to you. [suggestively] And she's ovulating. Stan: Ahh, no thanks, that's okay. Balding man: Stan, some PETA members are growing concerned that maybe you don't love animals. Stan: I do love animals, just ...not like you guys do. Balding man: You... don't belong here, Stan. You should return home. Stan: I can't. I was banished for not voting. Balding man: But, why on earth wouldn't you wanna vote? Stan: I think voting is great. I just didn't care this time because it was between a giant douche and a turd sandwich. Balding man: But Stan, don't you know? It's always between a giant douche and a turd sandwich. Nearly every election since the beginning of time has been between some douche and some turd. They're the only people who suck up enough to make it that far in politics. Stan: I guess... I guess you're right. [casts his eyes down and to the left in reflection. An arm appears, with a gun at the end aimed at Stan] Puff Daddy: Yo, what did I say was going to happen to you, bitch? [his four bodyguards aim their guns at Stan as well] Stan: [jumps] Aaah! Man in shorts: [pops in] Aaaah!! He's wearing the skin of an animal! [runs off, only to return with a pail of real blood] Take that! [throws the blood at Puff Daddy, who spreads his arms out and down. The man calms down] I... hope that teaches you a lesson about wearing fur. Puff Daddy: Itius, Rodicus! [the bodyguards fire their weapons at the PETA members] Bodyguard: Vote or die! Stan: [braves his way through the crossfire, but gets hit on his left shoulder] Aaaah!! [keeps moving] PETA man: [goes to shield a dog] Protect the animals! Protect the animals! [he's shot and falls away. The dog then urinates on the man's head] Balding man: [rushes up to his llama and holds her] Janice, we shall die together in each other's arms! [three shots kill him and the llama prances away. More PETA members fall.] Ostrich-baby: Kill me! Kill meee!! [Dr. Cornwallis is out of his tent and munching on the head of a dead man] Scene Description: South Park Elementary polling station. Mr. Mackey tallies up the votes. Mr. Mackey: M'kay... that's one more vote for Turd Sandwich. Randy: [through clenched teeth] So who won, Mr. Mackey? Mr. Mackey: It's pretty close, but it looks like Giant Douche is gonna win. Cartman: Oh, no! Noooo!! Kyle: Ha! You lose, fatass! Butters: [by the doors, motions to the others to look] Uh hey, wait a minute! [the others present gather round and look out. Stan approaches the school, battered and injured, and the others stream out of the school] Randy: Stan! Sharon: Stan, you came back. Does that mean... you learned the importance of voting? Stan: I learned that I'd better get used to having to pick between a douche and a turd sandwich because it's usually the choice I'll have. Randy: He's going to vote! Townsfolk: [murmuring amongst themselves] He's going to vote. He's going to vote. [they gather round and hoist Stan up, carrying him inside. Stan is lowered and he fills out the ballot. He holds his shoulder and thinks a moment while images of an eagle, the White House, and the US flag float in the background. He makes up his mind, he votes for Turd Sandwich. He considers his vote, then approaches the ballot box and drops his ballot in. Mr. Mackey, holding the box, spins around in his chair happily.] Singer: Let's get out the vote! Let's make our voices heard! We've been given the right to choose between a douche and a turd. It's democracy in action! Put your freedom to the test. A big, fat turd or a stupid douche. Which do you like best? Mr. Mackey: [Adding Stan's vote to the tally] Stan's vote bring the total votes for Turd Sandwich to... thirty six! And Giant Douche has... one thousand, four hundred, and ten. Giant Douche still wins! Some townsfolk: Yeah! All right! Other townsfolk: Aawwww! Stan: Dude, so my vote didn't even really matter! Randy: Hey! That's not true, Stan. Sharon: [genuflects behind Stan] You can't judge the merits of voting on whether or not your candidate won. Randy: [genuflects behind Stan] Your vote still mattered. Herbert Garrison: [rushing into the school] Hey everybody! [holds up a shredded PETA shirt. Everyone turns and looks] They just found all the PETA members murdered at their compound! [all gasp] Mr. Mackey: What the? They're all dead? Well, that means... Clyde: That we can go back to being the South Park Cows! [opens his jacket and shows off his Cows shirt] All: Hooray! All right! Randy: [to Stan] Now your vote didn't matter.

Scene Description: South Park, day. A lovely tree appears and the camera pans down to street level. Stan and friends are on the sidewalk across the street moving along. Cartman: You guys know what? Um, the last thing you do when you die, is crap your pants. Stan: ...What? Cartman: Yeah, when you die, your jowels release and crap comes flying out your ass. [laughs heartily. The other boys stop] Kyle: That is fucking stupid, Cartman! Cartman: Oh yeah?! I'll bet you five bucks that when you die you crap your pants, asshole! Herbert Garrison: Hey everybody, it's time! [everyone stops and looks] It's time! Townsfolk: [a small group] It's time. Oh, it's time? It's happening. It's happening now? Let's go! [they move off to their left] Stan: It's time for what? Herbert Garrison: Get down to Metzger's Field! It's about to happen! [everyone follows him towards the field] Scene Description: Metzger's Field, later. A man is speaking to the crowd gathered there. Manager: People of South Park I am pleased to be with you on this most historic day. A day you were certainly all remember... as the day your town... became great. The grand opening of the first South Park... Wall-Mart! [the camera zooms out to show the full scope of the store. Everyone applauds and cheers] Randy: [hugging Sharon] Look at it, honey. It's so big. Herbert Garrison: [hugging Mr. Slave] It's like we're a real town now. [the boys finally arrive] Cartman: Whoa, awesome! Kyle: Hey! Isn't there where Stark's Pond used to be? Where we used to kayak and fish? Man: Yeah! Now it's a Wall-Mart! Manager: I know that with the opening of the South Park branch of Wall-Mart, you will all see your town completely change... [walks over to the entrance, which has a banner across it: "Grand Opening."] Now, shop friends. Shop! [steps aside and the doors open to a spacious store. The townsfolk rush inside] Randy: It's beautiful! Marvin Marsh: [greeting shoppers at the door.] Welcome to Wall-Mart. Welcome to Wall-Mart. ...Welcome to Wall-Mart. Sheila: Sharon, isn't that your father? Sharon: Yes. Wall-Mart is the leading employer of seniors. And they also employ the handicapped. Jimmy: [approaching] Hello, Mrs. M-marsh. Can I help g- Can I help you get a sh- shopping cart today? Sharon: Why yes, I'd love one, Jimmy. [Jimmy turns and approaches a line of carts. He tugs at the one in the front, wrestling it away from the other carts. Once it's out far enough, he jumps to the rear and pushes it out] Chef: [awestruck] My God. Look at all these incredible bargains. Cartman: [the boys are in the movie aisle] Dude, check it out! Time Cop on DVD. Three copies for eighteen bucks! Kyle: Why the hell would you want three copies of the same movie? Cartman: Because one copy is nine ninety-eight! But this way you save like twenty bucks! Kyle: You only need one copy, r-tard! Cartman: Okay, fine, dumbass, YOU go ahead and buy one copy for nine ninety-eight! Kyle: Okay, fine, I will! [grabs a copy] H-wait a minute! I don't even want one copy of Time Cop! [puts it back] Cartman: Dude, you can't shop for crap. [a wide shot of the store] Woman: [shopping with her husband] I can't believe these bargains. Manager: [from an office window above the showroom floor] Fools. Ignorant fools. Scene Description: The Marsh house, night. The living room has been redecorated with items got from Wall-Mart. The family is enjoying snacks in fancy plasticware. Randy: Just look at the Marsh family, huh? Brand-new television, new plastic dishware and cups, and enough bulk-buy ramen to last us a thousand winters. [three huge pallets of ramen are shown] Stan: Dad, how come Wall-Mart is able to sell everything so cheap? Randy: It's simple economics, son. I don't understand it at all, but, God I love it. Scene Description: The Marsh house, later. The house is asleep; Randy is dreaming, and reacting to his dreams. Whispers: Six ninety-nine, fifteen dollars, free for fifteen ninety-eight... Randy: [suddenly awake] Aaaah! [looks at the window and crawls out of bed, then walks towards the window. He plants his hands on the window panes, and in the distance he sees that great shining beacon called Wall-Mart. He opens his pajama shirt and presses his body against the window. A soft sigh leaves his lungs...] Yeaaah... [Sharon wakes up] Sharon: Randy, what are you doing?! Randy: [wraps himself up again and goes back to bed] Anu-nothing! [puts on his slippers] I'ma-I'ma-I'm just gonna head down to the Wall-Mart real quick. Sharon: It's almost midnight. Randy: Yeah, think about it. If I go there now, there won't be anybody else there. [with determination] I can have all the bargains to myself! [heads out] Scene Description: Wall-Mart, midnight. Randy enters dressed in pajamas and robe, only to find more shoppers in there. Wall-Mart never closes, and it's never empty. An elderly lady greets him. Elderly Woman: Thanks for coming to Wall-Mart. [waves] All are welcome. All are welcome! [Randy is stunned that he's not the only shopper there] Scene Description: Next morning, the boys are on a sidewalk heading towards downtown. Cartman: Excuse me! Hello?! Can somebody tell my why we're going to Jim's Drugs to buy Voltar cards when Wall-Mart has them for three bucks cheaper? Kyle: Dude, I can't deal with Wall-Mart right now. My parents had me there for three hours last night. [they pass by a man closing up his shop for the last time] Mr. Farkle: Oh, sorry boys. I'm going out of business. Kyle: Why, Mr. Farkle? Mr. Farkle: I can't compete with Wall-Mart's low prices. Everyone is shopping there now, and... well, I can't make ends meet. [Cartman pulls out a violin from somewhere and begins playing it masterfully] I've got to sell the store and try to find another line of work. Kyle: [glares at Cartman] Cartman, stop it! Cartman: What? I just felt like playing a little violin, Kyle. Mr. Farkle: I appreciate your business, boys, but you'll have to try somewhere else in town. [walks away sobbing] Kyle: See?! That sucks, dude! Cartman: What? That's called progress, Kyle. Kyle: Yeah, but what about all the people getting laid off from the grocery stores? [Cartman whips out the violin and plays it again] And what about all the- [looks at Cartman, takes away his violin, breaks it in half using his leg, and throws the pieces to the ground] Cartman: ... Whatever. I can go get another one at Wall-Mart. It was only five bucks. [gives Kyle the finger, turns around, and walks away. Kyle watches him leave] Stan: Come on, let's go to Main Street and support one of those stores. [Kyle turns, and the three remaining boys walk away.] Scene Description: Downtown, later. The boys arrive at Main Street and are startled. Kyle: What the hell? [before them is a downtown that is shuttered and decayed. The asphalt is gone from the roads and eagles hover over the area. A window crashing makes them jump, and Butters appears around a corner, making weird noises.] Stan: Butters? [more strange noises come from Butters' mouth] Kyle: Butters? What the hell are you doing? Butters: Wull ah I'm just playin' Monster. It's kinda spooky out here. [this is true. Butters resumes his monster act.] Stan: Dude, we gotta show our parents what Wall-Mart is doing to our town. [the boys turn and leave.] Scene Description: The Marsh house, later. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny enter to find a house stuffed with Wall-Mart items. Stan: Dad? [looks around at all the stuff] Jesus Christ, Da-dad! Dad?! Randy: Staaaan? [the boys hear him and rush over to the source of the noises] Stan: Dad, oh my God! Randy: Staan... Stan: What? D-dad, are are you dying? Randy: No, I'm just... really, really tired. I... was shopping at Wall-Mart all night. Stan: But you-your face! Randy: Checkout line... They had these... little stickers filled with glitter! They were only ninety nine cents for 15 of them. I couldn't resist! Do you want one? [tears one off and sticks it to Stan's cheek] Here. It's a little turtle. [faints and falls over] Scene Description: Wall-Mart, later. Shopping continues as usual. In his office, the Manager nervously reaches into his desk drawer and pulls out a bottle of liquor. He takes two sips and quickly hides it when he hears a knock at his door. Manager: Come in? [the boys and their parents, Butters' parents, Chef, Herbert Garrison and Mr. Slave all enter] Oh hello, fine shoppers. Chef: Sir, we just had a big town meeting, and decided we don't want your Wall-Mart here anymore. Randy: We're sorry, but it seems our Main Street is dying and good people are losing their jobs. We'd all like you... out of South Park. Manager: [begins to cackle nervously] What? What, you think I want to be here? I hate this place. But it... won't let me leave. Kyle: But you run the Wall-Mart. Manager: Oh, you're wrong! [rises from his chair and moves towards the group] Wall-Mart... isn't run by anybody! First it reels you in with its bargains. Next thing you know you, you're working at the Wall-Mart because it has all the jobs. Then you're sitting in a little office, trapped on all sides. Chef: They why don't you just quit?! Manager: [whispering loudly] Not so loud! It can hear you. Kyle: You hate Wall-Mart, too? [rumbles emanate from the walls] Manager: Aah! [nervously] I didn't say that! I love Wall-Mart! With all its... fantastic bargains and one-stop shopping, who can't love it, right? [turns around and grabs some papers] Uh, Wa-Wall-Mart takes the hassle out of shopping and, and makes it both affordable and fun. [he writes as he talks, then shows the group what he wrote: "NOT SAFE TO TALK HERE."] Ah-and Wall-Mart really gives back to the community! Us people are certainly happy to have a store like Wall-Mart, aren't we? [writes some more and shows the group a second sheet: "MEET ME OUT BACK IN 5 MINS." He grimaces and tries to hint at them. The group leaves.] Randy: Hey, wait a minute, I think we just got squirreled. Gerald: Yeah. That guy probably thinks he can get us to go away by being so goofy! [circles his finger round his ear to indicate insanity. Seconds later the manager screams and flies out the window, only to end up hanging himself. The group looks on as the manager's pants drop off and poo follows shortly] Cartman: [catching up with the other boys] Ha! You owe me five bucks, Kyle! Scene Description: The Marsh house, night. The family is at table waiting for dinner. Sharon walks in with steaks. Sharon: Here we go, everyone. I got three nice steaks from South Park Grocery. We'll have to share them. Randy: Heh, I remember when we could afford to buy six steaks when we shopped at Wall-Mart. Stan: Yeah, but Dad, the whole town agreed not to shop at Wall-Mart anymore. Randy: I know, I know! God! [pounds the table] Bleeeh! [Sharon joins them at table and the family begins eating] Stan: Mom, Dad, when people die, do they always crap their- [knocks over his glass of milk, which spills onto Shelly] Shelly: Oh, you stupid turd! Randy: Oh Jesus, a broken glass! Well, I don't see any choice now! We have to go to Wall-Mart! Sharon: We do? Randy: Huh! Where else are we gonna get a new glass at this hour?! Everyone get your shoes on, we're goin' to Wall-Mart! Stan: But Dad, we're not supposed to shop at- Randy: STAN! One family buying one glass isn't gonna make a difference! Scene Description: Wall-Mart, night. The Marsh family arrives and sees what Randy saw before. Randy: Heeeey... [The Broflovskis approach and Randy looks] Gerald, what are you doing?! We said we weren't going to shop at the Wall-Mart anymore! Gerald: Well where else was I gonna get a napkin dispenser at nine thirty at night? Randy: [noticing other familiar faces] Mr. Garrison! Chef! Jimbo! [the shoppers stop and look] Now, come on people! What the hell is wrong with you?! Don't you see what you're all doing?! Herbert Garrison: Well what are you doing here, Randy? Randy: I came because I wanted to make sure nobody was shopping here. Stan: Dad! Randy: Oh all right, maybe I was gonna buy a glass. One glass! ... And some chips. And butter. [pulls out a sheet and looks at it] And some new pliers. Gerald: Jesus! Look at us! We all don't like the Wall-Mart, but we can't stop coming here. Jimbo: It's like some mystical evil force. Randy: Yeah. This place has a power over us we can't resist! We have to find a way to put the South Park Wall-Mart out of business once and for all! Herbert Garrison: Let's burn it down! Chef: No, no, no! Let's freeze it! Stephen: I think it's best we try to reason with it. Kyle: No! All we have to do is not shop at Wall-Mart anymore! If you want it to go away, all it takes is a little self-control and personal responsibility. Scene Description: Outside, later. The Wall-Mart is on fire and the shoppers are watching it burn. Randy: Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya. [the people begin to sway back and forth] All: Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya. Kumbaya, my Lord... Scene Description: Sidewalk, next day. The boys are walking along. Cartman: You butthole, Kyle. You just had to go and ruin everything, didn't you? Kyle: [looking at Cartman] It wasn't my idea to burn the Wall-Mart down. Cartman: No, but you got everyone all worked up! You're always jealous of the Wall-Mart. You always hated it. Kyle: Dude, our town is going to be better without the- [sounds of construction are heard. Kyle turns to look. ] What the? Cartman: Oh, awesome! [rushes towards Wall-Mart] Kyle: How... How did this happen? [the other boys make their way to the store, then look around at the restored store, which is running as if nothing had happened the night before. Kyle's parents are shopping there, and they run into the boys.] Mom, Dad? Why are you shopping here? Gerald: We can't destroy it, son. We have to learn to live with it. Randy: Can I help you? [the boys turn around and see the man is Randy, and the jump back in fright] Stan: Dad, what are you doing?! Randy: You get a discount working here. Ten percent. That means the bargains are even better. Stan: Dad, you're a geologist! Randy: I'll make less money, sure, but... as long as I buy everything at Wall-Mart, it'll all even out. Don't you see? Wall-Mart isn't our enemy, it's our neighborhood friend. Scene Description: Outside. The boys walk away from Wall-Mart and see a driver lifting I-beams into place with his crane. Kyle: Hey! Hey! [the driver looks at them] Who the hell told you to put this thing back up?! Driver: Sorry kid, we've got orders from corporate headquarters. Kyle: But nobody wants a Wall-Mart here! Driver: You're gonna have to talk to the higher-ups. Stan: Where are they? Driver: Bentonville, Arkansas. That's where Wall-Mart started, that's where all the bigwigs are. [drives away] Kyle: Looks like we're gonna have to go to Arkansas. Come on, guys. We're gonna put a stop to Wall-Mart once and for all! Cartman: [Inside the store] Whoa, Pixie Sticks, twenty-nine ceeeents? [freezes in place and hears sounds] Wall-Mart? ...Are you speaking to me? ...My friends? ...Trying to hurt you again? [turns a little angry] Yes, Wall-Mart. I understand. [with a look of determination, he leaves the store.] Scene Description: Coyote Lines, night. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are at the ticket booth. Stan: Three tickets to Bentonville, Arkansas, please. Cartman: [rushing up to join them] Wait! Guys! Hold on! I wanna go with you and help out. Kyle: No way! You wanna go with us so you can betray us at some point and keep us from destroying the Wall-Mart. Cartman: Nuh-uh. Kyle: Yeah, huh! You wanna go with us so that later you go, "Haha! I was working for Wall-Mart all along!" or something. Cartman: I am not, Kyle! Stan: Dude, just let him come. The bus is about to leave. [he and Kenny head for the doors] Kyle: All right, fine. Come on, fatass! [leaves to catch up with Stan.] Cartman: [pulls out a knife from his back pocket] Haha. You fools have no idea that I would never let you hurt the Wall-Mart. Kyle: [rushes out to face Cartman] I heard that! Cartman: You heard what? Kyle: You said we have no idea that you're never let us hurt Wall-Mart! Cartman: That's not what I said! [Stan comes out to see what's going on] Stan: Dude, come on! Kyle: He is working for the Wall-Mart to stop us from succeeding! Stan: Dude, we have to go! Kyle: God-damnit! [turns and heads towards Stan] Stan: Well hurry up if you're coming, Cartman! Cartman: [to himself] Hehe. You stupid fools have no idea that I'm actually working for the Wall-Mart to stop you from succeeding! Scene Description: Bentonville, Home of Wall-Mart. A bus pulls up to the store's headquarters and lets the four boys off. Stan: Goddamn, that took a long time. Kyle: It would've been faster if Cartman hadn't slashed the tires! Cartman: [drawing out the syllables] I did not! I wanna close Wall-Mart just as much as you guys do! Scene Description: Corporate Headquarters, inside. A cavernous warehouse opens up before them, with busy workers, and a receptionist greets them. Receptionist: Can I help you? Kyle: Yeah. We've come to complain. We don't want a Wall-Mart in our town. Receptionist: Who does? Nobody likes what the Wall-Mart does, but it keeps... right on doing it. Kyle: We want to talk to who's in charge. Receptionist: In charge? I guess that would be Harvey Brown. He's the current president of Wall-Mart. One of the original creators. Stan: Where's he? Scene Description: An ashtray. A hand rubs spent cigarette butts into it. The camera pulls out to reveal the president and the boys, and lots of empty glasses of liquor. Harvey Brown: We... invented the Wall-Mart Super Center in 1987. The idea was simple: build a store for one-stop shopping where bulk purchases could keep prices incredibly low. [defeated, buries his face in his left hand] We didn't know what we were doing. In just four years, it was out of control. Kyle: So how do we stop it? Harvey Brown: [raises his head] You don't stop it. Stan: There has to be a way! Harvey Brown: There's nothing! Don't you understand?! Nothing can stop the Wall-Mart in your town! ...Unless... of course, you can find and destroy its heart. Kyle: The heart of Wall-Mart? Cartman: Sir, don't you think you're talking a little too much? Harvey Brown: Every Wall-Mart has a heart, somewhere near the television department. Destroy the heart and you could reverse the entire process! Cartman: You speak too much, sir! Stan: Why don't you guys just destroy the heart? Harvey Brown: Because the Wall-Mart stops you. Many have tried, kid. Union leaders, nature activists, even the best fair-trade lawyers tried to stop the Wall-Mart and now. They are Wall-Mart shoppers all. Kyle: All right. C'mon you guys. We have to get back home. [they drop down and leave the room] Harvey Brown: [shakes his head] It won't work, don't you understand?! It isn't gonna stop until there's nothing but Wall-Mart left! Jesus, what did we do?! What did we do?! [the boys are at the doors, about to leave. Mr. Brown spins around on his stool] Boys! [the boys turn and see him take a gun to his head] Tell the world... I'm sorry! [the boys are alarmed] Stan: No, dude, don't! [Mr. Brown shoots himself through the temple and falls over on his left side, dead. Seconds later he craps through his pants, leaving a hole in them and a fallen bar stool nearby. A few moments of shock, and then Cartman cracks up] Cartman: [pointing to Kyle] That's ten bucks you owe me, dick-face! Scene Description: A stormy night in front of Wall-Mart. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny arrive dressed in camouflage. Kyle: All right, this is it! If Wall-Mart has a heart, we have to find it and destroy it! No matter what the Wall-Mart does to try to stop us, we have to be strong! Let's do it. Cartman: [rushes in and blocks their path. holding a dagger] I'm afraid not, Kyle! Wall-Mart is a great store! I could not let you fools ruin its terrific bargains! You see, I was working for Wall-Mart all along! Kyle: I knew you were! Cartman: No, you didn't. Kyle: Yes, I did! I said from the beginning that you would do this! Cartman: No, you didn't. Kyle: Yes, I did! Cartman: No, you didn't. Kyle: Yes, I did! Cartman: No, you didn't. Kyle: Yes, I did! Cartman: No, you didn't. Kyle: Yes. I did! [a few more rounds of this and they stand head to head, silent] Cartman: ...You see, Kyle, it was me who slashed the bu- Kyle: [interrupting] -slashed the bus tires in Arkansas! I said so! I told you the minute that I- [Cartman babbles loudly to drown him out] -and I told you that- Cartman: [plugs his ears] I can't hear you! Lalalalalala! [once he's sure Kyle is quiet, he unplugs his ears and pulls out his dagger] I'm sorry, boys. But if you want to hurt the Wall-Mart, you'll have to go through me! [holds out the dagger, ready for battle.] Kyle: [he and Stan walk around Cartman] We don't have time for this! Kenny, keep him away from us! [Kenny does as told] Cartman: Very well, Kenny! Let us battle! [Kenny begins delivering blows at Cartman] Ow, Kenny. K-Kenny! Knock it off. Scene Description: Stan and Kyle enter the store and walk past the greeter Marvin Marsh. Marvin Marsh: Welcome to Wall-Mart. Stan: Save it, Grandpa! Kyle: We've gotta find the television department. [the lights flicker and turn off. Randy leaps into view in front of the boys, carrying an ax. Stan and Kyle scream] Randy: Boys, these axes are only four ninety-nine. Stan: Dad, we know how to destroy the Wall-Mart. Randy: Shhhhh! What are you talking about? Stan: One of the creators told us. You have to take your keys over to the television department. Randy: Television department... All right, come on, let's go! [they move down the aisle for some distance. Randy stops and jumps] Oh my God! Stan: What?! Randy: Those two-dollar salt-and-pepper shakers! They were three dollars five minutes ago! The Wall-Mart is lowering its prices trying to stop us! Stan: Come on, we've got to try to make it to the back! [the three make their way to the back, but Randy can't help but look at all the bargains] Randy: Gaaah! Don't look! Don't look at its bargains! [they come across a bunch of bikes priced at $29.99. They scream and run off. The boys run down another aisle, but Randy isn't with them.] Kyle: I think I see the television department in the back! Stan: Is that the right way, Dad? Dad?! [looks around, then turns to his right. Kyle turns to his left. Both boys see Randy] Dad! Randy: The screwdriver set is only nine ninety-eight! Stan: Come on, Dad! Randy: I can't make it, boys! You're gonna have to go on without me! Stan: No, dad! We need your keys! Randy: This bargain is too great for me! I'm gonna have to buy these! Here! Take the keys and go on! [tosses the keys to Stan, who catches them] The television department is near the back! Next to the cell phones! Go! Hurry! I'm gonna go buy these screwdrivers! [the boys leave the aisle] Stan: [passing the candy display] There! The television department! Scene Description: The television department. The wall is lined with TVs of all sizes. A hand appears and presses a button, and all the TVs turn on, showing the boys on screen. The camera pans over to the two boys, who are looking at a man dressed in white. Wall-Mart: Hello, boys. Congratulations on getting this far. [the boys approach him] Kyle: Who are you? Wall-Mart: I am... Wall-Mart. [the boys look at each other] Stan: You? Wall-Mart: I've taken this form in order to talk to you. But I can take many forms. [dons a brimmed hat] Does this suit you better? Or perhaps you prefer this form? [takes off the hat and puts on a robe] I can take whichever form I like. [removes the robe and puts on a pirate hat and black patch over his left eye.] Stan: We don't want your store in our town; we come to destroy you. Kyle: Where's the heart? Wall-Mart: To find the heart of Wall-Mart, one must first ask oneself, "Who is it that asked the question?" [the boys look at each other again] Stan: Me. I'm asking the question. Wall-Mart: Ah, yes, but who are you? Stan: Stan Marsh. Now, where's the heart? Wall-Mart: Ah. You know the answer, but not the question! Kyle: The question is, "Where is the heart?" Wall-Mart: Very well. You want to see the heart of Wall-Mart? It lies beyond that plasma-screen television. [the boys look to their right and walk over. The open a small door marked "EMPLOYEES ONLY" and they open it. A rectangular mirror is behind it.] Stan: It's a mirror. Wall-Mart: Yes, don't you see? That is the heart of Wall-Mart. You, the consumer. I take many forms: Wall-Mart, K-Mart, Target. But I am one single entity: Desire! Stan: Well, the guy in Arkansas said to destroy the heart. [the boys turn and face the mirror again, and Kyle takes a black mallet to it. It shatters.] Wall-Mart: Gaaah! No! No, what have you done?! [the building begins to rumble] Now you shall see my true form! [Removes his mustache and begins to march around with vigor and laughing harshly] Now you see me as I truly am! Stan: We'd better get out of here. [outside, Cartman and Kenny stop wrestling and witness the Wall-Mart rumbling and there's lighting flying around it. Inside, Stan and Kyle make their way to the front doors] Chef: [panicking] Get out! It's gonna blow! [the shoppers pay heed] Stan: Dad, come on! We've gotta get out! Randy: Too late for me, son! I have to buy this stuff! Kyle: The Wall-Mart is imploding! Everybody out NOW! [the shoppers and employees now bolt for the doors and run out as an M in Mart falls down.] Scene Description: Outside on the parking lot, night. The building begins to collapse as everyone gathers in the parking lot. The building distorts, folds up and implodes into a shining blue dot, then reappears as crap, which falls to the ground where the Wall-Mart once stood. Cartman looks on in astonishment, then cracks up and walks away. Herbert Garrison: [proudly] Boys, you did it! You killed the Wall-Mart! [the crowd cheers] Gerald: How did you do it, Kyle? Kyle: All Wall-Marts start a self-destruction sequence if you break a mirror in the back. Chef: We know how to destroy it now. Spread the word to all the towns! [nearby, a soldier sits at the ready to send out the news on a telegraph] Randy: Wait. I think I understand the symbolism of the mirror. The Wall-Mart... is us. Kyle: Duh. Randy: You see boys, if we like our small-town charm more than the big corporate bullies, we all have to be willing to... pay a little bit more. Do you understand? Gerald: Yeah! Let's all go shop at Jim's Drugs down the street! [the crowd approves and marches down the street] Scene Description: Jim's Drugs, later. He reopens for business and the crowd flocks to his store. Later, the small store is replaced by a larger two-story building, which in turn is replaced by a huge building reminiscent of the departed Wall-Mart, which in turn leads to Jim's Drugs' demise by fire. Crowd: ...Oh Lord, Kumbaya. Randy: All right, let's not make that mistake again. Herbert Garrison: Yeah, lets all shop over at True Value! Crowd: Let's go! Yeah! [the crowd moves to the store as one]

Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The school bell rings. Some fourth graders chat in the hall as Wendy passes by: Clyde talking to Kenny and Kyle. Clyde: Yeah, and it was called Man from Atlantis, and he had like, webbed fingers... [Stan rushes up to them and grabs Kyle by the coat] Stan: Kyle, Kenny! I have to talk to you right now! Kyle: Okay, hang on a second I- Stan: [pulls Kyle away] Right now, goddamnit! Kyle: All right, all right! [Stan pulls him further away until there's no one around them] Dude, what is the matter with you? Stan: [the look of fear is strong on his face] Trent Boyett is being released from Juvenile Hall. [the boys are suddenly afraid] Kenny: (WHAT??!!!?) Kyle: Trent Boyett?! The kid from preschool?! Stan: Yeah! He just got paroled! Kyle: Oh, no! No! Cartman: Hey gay-butts, what's goin' on? Kyle: Trent Boyett is being released from Juvenile Hall. Cartman: Really? That's cool. When did- [realizes what Kyle has just said and stops completely in place] What did you say? [rushes up to Kyle] Trent Boyett?! Meanest, dirtiest, toughest kid in the world, super-pissed off at us, Trent Boyett?! Kyle: Yeah. Cartman: Oh, Holy Jesus, God... Stan: What the hell are we gonna do?? Butters: [runs up to the boys] Is it true?! Trent Boyett is getting out?! Cartman: It's true. Butters: Oh Jesus, Oh Christ in Heaven, I gotta hide! [rushes off to do that, past the other kids in the hall to the front door...] Uh, oh boy! [bursts through the front doors and runs away babbling] Cartman: He's gonna come for us, you guys. We are dead men. Kyle: Look, maybe he's forgiven us. I mean, we were only in preschool. Scene Description: Flashback to preschool days. It's playtime, and the kids are busy doing things, sliding and such. Stan: Dude, let's play Fireman. Kyle: Totally, dude, let's play Fireman. Cartman: Jews can't be firemen. Kyle: Shut up, fat ass! Cartman: Don't call me fat, you stupid Jew! Kenny: (How about we put a real fire out?) Stan: Hey, Kenny's right. We should put out a real fire. Then we'll be heroes! Cartman: But how do we start a fire? Kyle: Trent Boyett will do it. He's the toughest, baddest kid in preschool! [a shot of Trent beating up another kid with a play hammer. He delivers two blows] Trent: Say Uncle! Boy: Uncle! Trent: [two more blows] Say Uncle!!!!!! Boy: Uncle! [satisfied, Trent lets the boy go, and Stan and the others advance to him] Trent: [turns around] What do you shitheads want?! Kyle: Do you know how to start a fire? Trent: Sure! I burn lots stuff. Stan: Start one. Then we're gonna put it out. Kyle: We're firemen! Trent: Do you dickheads even know how to put out a fire? Stan: Yeah, yeah. We play Fireman all the time. Cartman: Don't worry, Trent. Trent: All right, fine. [walks back to the table, grabs a sheet of paper, crumples it up, and lays it down on the floor. He sets it on fire] Butters: [approaches] Hey fellas, you'd better be careful. Cartman: Shut up, Butters! We know what we're doing! Butters: Oh, all right then. [turns around and walks off. The sheet catches fire] Stan: Wow, cool! Kyle: Code 7! Bring in the firemen! Stan: [walks up to the crumples sheet] Woo, woo, woo, woo. Clang, clang, clang, clang, clang! [drops his pants and begins pissing on the paper] Come on, firemen! Put out the fire! [the other boys come and imitate the fire truck noises while pissing on the paper. Trent looks on.] Stan: We're heroes! Kyle: [smiles] We saved the school! Trent: [sees that the fire is spreading] Put it out! Ms. Claridge: [a female, notices the fire and arrives] Trent Boyett, what have you done now?! Trent: They said they could put it out! Ms. Claridge: Children, get back away, now! [shoos the boys away, then tries to smother the fire out with a blanket. The blanket catches fire, and so does she.] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! [runs from the blanket, then twirls in her own flames as the alarm goes off] I'M BUUURNIIIING!!! Stan: Put it out, put it out! [Cartman runs up to their teacher and starts pissing on her. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny follow suit] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, moments later, still in the flashback. The teacher is being put in an ambulance. Paramedic: Come on, hurry! We've gotta get her to the hospital! [the paramedics hop into the ambulance and drive off, siren blaring] Stan: Dude, we are in so much trouble! Kyle: My mom is gonna break my legs! Cartman: Hey, we didn't start the fire, Trent Boyett did. Stan: That's true. Officer: You boys! Trent is trying to tell us the fire was your idea. Stan: No! Kyle: Not us. We're good kids. Trent: Tell them it was an accident: you thought you could put it out. Cartman: Trent Boyett is a liar, sir. Officer: I thought so. All right, that's it, Trent. You're going to Juvenile Hall for a long time! Trent: [pleading as he passes Butters] Butters, you saw! Tell them what happened! Butters: U-Ah, gee-whiz, Trent. Ah, I don't wanna get involved. Or else my parents will ground me. Trent: You'd better pray I never get out of Juvenile Hall! You'd better all pray! [the officer wrestles him into the patrol car and closes the door] Kyle: Dude, when he gets out of Juvenile Hall, he's gonna wanna kill us! Cartman: Whatever. That's like five years from now. Stan: Yeah, who cares? The boys: [cheering] All right, yeah, woohoo, we did it! Scene Description: The flashback ends and the boys are shown in the hall again. Stan: Now it's five years later. And Trent Boyett is being released. Cartman: Oh Jesus, he's gonna kill us. We-we've gotta tell our parents! Kyle: We can't tell our parents, dude! We lied to everybody! Nobody knows we're responsible for Ms. Claridge's accident! Stan: Shhh, here comes Ms. Claridge now. [a soft noise is heard, and in rolls a futuristic wheelchair, encasing Ms. Claridge] The boys: Hello, Ms. Claridge. [she turns to face them] Stan: [nervously] Are you having a nice day, Ms. Claridge? [a yellow button on the machine lights up and beeps. She turns left and rolls away] Cartman: You guys, what the fuck are we gonna do?! In case you've forgotten, Trent Boyett is the meanest kid we ever knew. He's gonna tear us apart! Kyle: Look, that was a long time ago. Maybe Trent Boyett has forgotten all about it. Scene Description: Juvenile Hall, outside, day, out in the desert. The sky looks smoggy. Scene Description: Juvenile Hall, inside. The gates in the hall roll back and a mean Trent walks forward. On his right shoulder is written "Vengeance is Mine, sayeth the Lord." Above the writing is a cross. On his left shoulder is a skull surrounded by the words "Never Forget." He approaches the check-out desk. Warden: [holds up a manila envelope] Everything that you had when you were first brought in here will now be returned. [slices the envelope open and the goods pour out. He then gives each good to Trent after mentioning it] One Crayola eight-pack with crayon sharpener. One pair of plastic round-tipped scissors. One marble, blue. And one [snaps the blade open] switch-blade knife with "Kill all betrayers" written on the blade, black. [snaps the blade closed again and hands it to Trent. Trent makes his way past the desk and heads for the exit.] Trent! Where are you gonna do? [Trent stops] Trent: I gots some business to take care of. [leaves] Scene Description: Butters' house, day. In his darkened room, Butters trembles in fear on the floor next to his bookcase. A knock is heard at his door. Butters: Hah! [the door opens and his parents enter.] Stephen: Butters? [a view of the room from their position doesn't show Butters anywhere. Butters peeks out from behind the bookcase] Butters: Hwell. Oh, uh, hi Dad. Stephen: Butters, what is wrong with you?? Butters: Nothins' wrong, sir. Eh, nothin' at all. Linda: You've been shut up in your room for days, Butters. You need to go outside, go play. Butters: Uh... outside? No way! [hides again] Linda: Why not? Butters: [pops up] N-no reason! [hides again] Stephen: Butters, we have had it with your moping around! You're gonna go outside and you're gonna play, right now! Butters: But Dad, I just wanna stay in my room- Scene Description: Butters' house, front porch. He's kicked out of the house and the door shuts closed on him. He fiddles his fingers around nervously. Stephen: Butters, play! [Butters is frozen by something he sees across the street] Start playing right now, young man! [Butters begins to move around, and his father leaves the window. Butters does the Hokey Pokey, but notices the street again and freezes. Across the street, Trent looks right at him] Butters: Tru... Tr-Trent Boyett! Haaaa! [grabs the door handle and tries to go inside again, only to find it locked. He pounds on the door] Dad! Mom! I'm don- I'm done playin' now! [Trent marches across the street and approaches Butters.] Aaaaah! Let me in, Dad! [Butters pounds on the door again] Mom, Dad, you gotta open the door! [Inside, on the sofa, Chris reads the newspaper, Linda reads a book] Linda: What on earth is the matter with him? Stephen: Just keep the door locked, honey. Butters can't be a house hermit his whole life. Butters: Oh my God, he's coming! Oh hamburgers he's gonna kill me! Linda: I just can't stand to hear him scream like that. I'm gonna go upstairs. [rises from the sofa and heads upstairs] Butters: Mom, Dad, you gotta open the door right now! You've gotta open it- [stops and turns around. He's face to face with Trent. Butters begins talking nervously] Oh, hey! Trent Boyett Gosh I... haven't seen you in a while. Trent: [beat] Five years. It's been five long, miserable years. Butters: Look, Trent, I know- I know you're awful sore about... pre- muh- pr-preschool and all, but... well that was a long time ago. I mean, we were just kids. [Trent is unmoved] Uhhh... p-lease don't hurt me, Trent. I-I'll give you anything you want. You name it! Trent: Can you give me back my time?! Huh?! Can you do that?! Kindergarten, first grade, second?! Can you give me that?! Butters: Well, no, Trent, I-I'm not like a time-traveler or nothin'. Trent: I'm gonna give you something you didn't give me: a five-second head-start. Butters: No, Trent, I-I ain't gonna run. We can talk this through. Trent: Four seconds! Butters: Uh, Trent, now, listen to me. I'm sorry for the color- Trent: Three seconds! Butters: Ohhh hamburgers! [runs away] Scene Description: Hell's Pass hospital, day. Butters wasn't fast enough. In a recovery room, his parents stand at his bedside. Linda: Thanks so much for coming to visit Butters in the hospital, boys. It means a lot to him. [the boys just stand there with their jaws dropped, awed at what they see before them. Dr. Doctor comes in with a clipboard] Stephen: What happened to him, Doctor? Dr. Doctor: From the test results, it would appear your child was tortured by a bully. He received a massive snuggie, his underwear pulled up so high it nearly killed him. He also received two Indian sunburns on his forearms, a charlie horse on the thigh, and a second-degree titty twister. And from the damage to his head area, it appears he was also given a swirly, a colossal one. [the boys are more frightened after hearing this] It also looks like he received a noogie, and, a Polish bike ride. Linda: What's that? Dr. Doctor: We aren't sure. We only know that... there is no cure. Linda: If only we had let him in! [faces Stephen] Why didn't we let him inside the house when he was screaming for help?? [begins to sob] Stephen: Now, honey, we were trying to read. [the boys walk over to an adjacent room] Cartman: We've got to tell them who did this, you guys. We're gonna get it as bad as Butters! Kyle: That's nothing compared to what my mom will do to me if she finds out I've been lying for five years! Cartman: Maybe you didn't hear so good in there, Kyle! Second-degree titty-twister! Stan: Calm down guys, we don't have to go tell our parents. We just need to go out and get some protection. Cartman: [now yelling] How the hell are condoms gonna help us?! [the adults in the recovery room look at Cartman] Sorry, heh. Never mind, hehe. [the adults turn their attention back to Butters] Stan: I'm talking about hiring somebody bigger than Trent to protect us from him. Come on! [the boys run off] Scene Description: A riverbed. There's graffiti along the banks and sixth graders ride their bikes all around the riverbed. Sixth grader 1: I'm gonna jump the wall of fire. [makes motorcycle noises and jumps a low ramp and a small fire, landing safely] Yeah, that was sweet! Sixth grade leader: Hey, look! [before him, Stan and friend approach] Kyle: Dude, we shouldn't be here! Stan: Stay cool, guys. If anybody can protect us from Trent Boyett, it's the sixth graders. Sixth grade leader: Stupid little Fourthies! [leads the other sixth-grade boys towards the fourth-graders and circles them, then stops in front of them] What are you little Fourthies doin' in our hangout?! Stan: We've come to... ask you for help. Sixth grade leader: Help?! [he and the other sixth graders laugh heartily] Kyle: We need you to protect us... from a bully. Sixth grade leader: Yeah? And what do we get for it? [Stan nudges Cartman forward] Cartman: [pulls each item from his backpack and presents it as he mentions it] A twelve-pack of Dr. Pepper, A Shoots & Ladders game used only three times, DVD of Harry Potter 2, and a coupon for a free side of fries with a purchase of any deluxe hamburger at Red Robin. [places it at the top of the small tower he's built] All this can be yours. [the Sixth Grade Leader steps off his bike, approaches Cartman, and throws the tower aside] Sixth grade leader: You're gonna have to do better than that, Fourthies! Kyle: Well... [the fourth-graders take a step back] Well, what do you want? Sixth grade leader: You're Stan Marsh, right? Stan: Yeah. Sixth graders: OOOOOoooOoOooo! [Stan develops a worried face] Sixth grade leader: We want a picture of your mom's boobs! [cups his hands over his chest] Sixth graders: Yeah. Awesome. Stan: What?! Sixth grader 2: Your mom has the sweetest bewbs ever. Sixth grader 3: Yeah! I totally wanna suck your mom's tits. Stan: Dude, weak! Sixth grade leader: Come back with a naked picture of your mom! Stan: [after some thought] No! Sixth grade leader: Then we aren't helpin' you! Kyle: Wait! We'll do it. Sixth grade leader: It'd have to be a good picture, too! [the sixth-graders make motorcycle noises and ride off. This sixth grader does a wheelie] So long, Fourthies! Cartman: Okay, so now we just need to get a picture of Stan's mom naked. Cool. Scene Description: Trent makes makeshift barbells out of rods and solid disks and begins pumping iron. Scene Description: South Park, Main Street. A couple and Ms. Claridge pass each other. Woman 1: That's the preschool teacher, Ms. Claridge. Poor woman suffered such horrible burns she can only communicate by... beeping once for yes and twice for no. [Ms. Claridge stops at a corner waiting to cross the street. Another couple approaches her and flanks her on either side] Woman 2: Oh hello, Ms. Claridge. Nice day, isn't it? [Ms. Claridge's machine blinks once, so yes] Man 2: Need help across the street, Ms. Claridge? [Ms. Claridge's machine blinks two, so no] Well all right then. [the light turns green and the couple crosses the street. Ms. Claridge does as well, but it's slow going for her. Her wheelchair slows down and her power indicator drops to zero. She stuck in the middle of the street in the crosswalk] Man 3: [walks over to help her] Ms. Claridge, you all right? [silence, as there's no power for her light to blink] You can talk to me, Ms. Claridge. I understand: one beep for yes and two for no. Don't you think you should get out of the street? [again, no response] Look you, you don't have to be so cold. I'm just trying to help. [no response. The man gets annoyed] Oooo, sorry! [the man walks on to the other side of the street, quite annoyed at Ms. Claridge. Cross traffic begins, and the cars beep at Ms. Claridge to move out of the way. She's stuck] Scene Description: A doorbell rings. Mrs. Broflovski approaches and opens the door. Trent faces her with his knife in hand. Trent: Can Kyle come out and play? Sheila: Oh, Kyle isn't home right now, hon. Trent: Thank you, ma'am. [turns and walks away] Scene Description: Stan's house. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny sit at the dining table. Cartman is dressed as a woman. Stan: You see, Mom, all the kids at school were told to bring a picture of their moms' breasts for anatomy class. Cartman: I don't know, son. That sounds awfully strange. [crosses his arms] You cannot have a picture of my hot breasts. Stan: But mom, my teacher will- Cartman: Nononono, you gotta go [softly, sweetly] "But Mo-o-o-om." Stan: [normal] But Mo-o-o- Cartman: [with more feeling] "But Mo-o-o-om." Stan: This is hopeless! Kyle: Why don't you just sneak in your mom's closet and get a picture when she's changing clothes? Stan: That's sick, dude! I'm not taking a picture of my mom's boobs! Kenny: [volunteers] (I'll do it!) Stan: No, you're not doing it either! We just need to find something that looks like boobs to take a picture of. Kyle: What else has big round squishy globes? [they look at Cartman, who looks up into space] Scene Description: Living room, moments later. Cartman stands on a stool and squats down. Kyle has a set of instructions and Stan has a marker. Kenny stands as a witness. Cartman: Draw the um- You guys draw the nipples like on the bottom of my ass cheeks. Kyle: [checks the book] No, the nipples are more in the middle, see? [holds the book out for the others to see.] Cartman: Yeah, but Stan's mom is old; that means her nipples... sag more to the bottom now. Stan: How do you know?! Cartman: Will you guys trust me? I know this stuff! Stan: All right, fine. [draws some nipples on Cartman's ass, checking the book to be sure. He then steps back] Kyle: Oh wait! We forgot the necklace. Kenny: (Oh yeah!) [walks up and puts a necklace above the new nipples, then steps back. Stan frames the image with his hands, then has Kyle step into his spot to take a couple of pictures.] Kyle: [lowers the camera] God, I hope this works. Scene Description: The ravine, day. The sixth graders are there again, riding up and down the concrete slopes. Stan and his friends approach. Stan: Excuse me! Sixth grade leader: What do you want now?! Stan: [steps forward] We, we got it. [pulls out the photo. The sixth graders ride up to the boys] Sixth grader 4: You got a picture of your mom's bewbs? Sixth grader 5: No way! Sixth grader 2: [walks up and takes the photo, then walks back to the group, looking at it] Hey, hold on a second! [the boys are scared] These are like the hottest tits I've ever seen! Sixth grader 8: Whoa! Sixth grader 4: Check them out! Sixth grade leader: [walks up and grabs is from #6] Give me that! [looks] Whoa! I knew she had a hot rack! Sixth graders: Yeah. Sure does. Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Sixth grader 3: Oh yeah, those are so hot. [fondles his groin] Oooohhh Kyle: [the boys look at each other] Okay, so now you'll help us take care of Trent Boyett? Sixth grade leader: [someone else has the picture now] Oh all right, we'll let this Trent Boyett know that if he messes with you, he's messin' with us! Cartman: All right! Kenny: (Woohoo!) Cartman: You guys, we're free! We haven't a care in the world! Kenny: (All right!) Sixth grader 9: I need three minutes alone with the picture behind the bushes. Sixth grader 2: I get to take the picture behind the bushes after you. Sixth grade leader: [grabs the picture] I'm takin' it to the bushes first! [the others follow] Stan: Dude, are we gonna be like that someday? Kyle: [after some thought] Naw. Scene Description: The intersection. Ms. Claridge is still there. The boys exit an ice cream parlor with ice cream cones and walk down the street. Kyle: Man, I would have loved to seen to seen the look on Trent Boyett's face when all the sixth graders showed up! Cartman: Yeah. Trent's just lucky he didn't mess with us. I woulda kicked his ass. Stan: Hey, look. What is Ms. Claridge doing? [she's still in the crosswalk] Ms. Claridge? Man 4: [stops and walks up to the boys] She won't talk to anybody, boys. Some say... she's just given up hope. [walks on. The boys move on as well and round a corner] Cartman: Hey guys, you know what we should do? We should go get a- [drops his cone in fright] Huh?! [before them is a pile of mangled bikes] Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, later. The boys enter the emergency room and see it full of cots. The sixth graders are there, some injured more than others. The emergency room personnel have their hands full. Dr. Doctor: Jesus Christ, I've never seen so many Indian sunburns and titty twisters in my life! [sees a nurse and motions to her] Get a cold towel on that pink belly! Nurse 1: Doctor, we have another snuggie here! Dr. Doctor: Over there! [points to a clear area, then goes to another cot on which a sixth grader grabs his left ear in pain. A nurse is there as well] Another wet willie? Nurse 2: Worst one yet. Sixth grader: It's all slimy and spitty! [becomes incomprehensible and cries out in pain] Dr. Doctor: Give the poor kid some morphine. [the nurse reaches for a syringe and does as told. The boys approach the cot on which the leader of the sixth graders lies] Stan: Dude, what happened? Sixth grade leader: We... told him not to mess with you guys... We told him... you paid us. Kyle: Oh, Jesus. You told him that?! [the leader suffers a cramp and groans] Dr. Doctor: Boys, you have to let him rest. Some mean kid gave him a Texas Chili Bowl. Stan: What's that? Dr. Doctor: It involves Tabasco sauce, a telephone, and the anus. [the boys are flabbergasted] I don't know what kind of kid would do this to other people; I only know that I wouldn't ever want to be on that kid's bad side. [walks away. The boys leave the hospital] Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, outside. Stan: We're dead. Trent knows we sent the sixth-graders after him. Cartman: He's gonna give us all Texas chili bowls. [breathes a silent sigh] Kyle: We've gotta move away. We've gotta get as far away from this town as possible! Stan: No, no, we've just gotta find better help. Kyle: From who? We can't ask adults for help and there's nobody tougher than sixth graders. Stan: [looks down] There is... one person. Scene Description: Stan's house, living room. Shelly is watching TV with a bowl of soup on her lap. Stan and friends enter and approach. Stan: Shelly? Shelly: Shut up, turd! I'm watching television! Stan: Shelly, you're my sister, right? And families... depend on each other. Shelly: I said shut up, or I will destroy you, tur-r-rd! Stan: Shelly [hesitates, begins to tear up] Somebody is going to kill me, and I can't go to Mom or Dad for help, so, you're kind of the only person I have... left. [begins to cry. Shelly notices, puts her bowl aside, hops off the sofa, and walks up to Stan] Shelly: [in Stan's face] Stop crying, turd! Now, who's gonna kill you? Stan: Trent Boyett. He just got released from Juvenile Hall. He was sent there for burning Ms. Claridge, but actually, it was our fault. Shelly: Oh, you are such stupid turds. Stan: We were only four years old at the time, uh. We du-we didn't think about the past coming back to haunt us then. We didn't think and now he's gonna kill us! Shelly: Calm down, turd! No Juvenile Hall turd is going to kill you. That's my job. Kyle: So you're gonna help us? Shelly: Yes, but I'm gonna want something in return. Cartman: A picture of your mom's boobs? Shelly: Shut up, turd! [all four of the boys stand back in fear] You're going to admit to Ms. Claridge what you did! Stan: Admit it was our fault? Shelly: You can't run from your past, turds. Apologize and make amends. Then I'll protect you from this Trent turd. [the boys aren't so sure apologizing will do any good] Scene Description: The intersection. Ms. Claridge is still there. No one has moved her. Cars move past her, honking at her, and two men and a woman approach the corner facing her. Man 5: Ms. Claridge, the people in town are really worried about you. [no reply] Woman 3: Look, if you're having some kind of problem, you have to be able to talk to people. [no reply] Man 6: Just tell us this: do you trust that we want what's best for you, yes or no? [no reply] Man 5: All right, fine! But someday you're gonna have to learn to let people in! [the three walk away] Bitch. [Stan and his friends approach the corner and walk up to Ms. Claridge.] Stan: Hi, Ms. Claridge. Uh, we have s-something to tell you. [no reply] Kyle: The thing is, Ms. Claridge, we did a lot of stupid things when we were kids. Cartman: A lot of stupid things that we regret. Kenny: (And it's time for us to come clean.) [no reply] Stan: See, Ms. Claridge, when we were little, we used to play with our wieners a lot, and one game we played was "Fireman." Trent: [appearing behind them] I've been lookin' for you! [the boys turn and jump upon seeing him. Kenny tightens his hood.] Five years I've been waitin' for this day. Cartman: Aaaaaaaah! Stan: Trent, look, we've realized our mistake! [Trent advances, the boys back up] Cartman: Yes, our conscience got the best of us and, and we were just about to tell everyone the truth. [the boys hide behind Ms. Claridge's wheelchair, Trent goes around the other side and faces them behind the chair] Trent: You had five years to do that. And while I wasted away my time in prison you've been enjoying nice, normal lives! Kyle: Our lives have not been enjoyable, Trent! I promise you! [the boys back up some more, away from the intersection] Trent: Don't tell me that! I heard about the things you've done! But there were no magical Christmas adventures or talking poo for me! I DIDN'T GET TO FIGHT A HUGE MECHANIC BARBRA STREISAND!! NO ACCIDENTAL TRIPS TO AFGANISTAN FOR TRENT BOYETT!! [advances. Cartman pulls out a taser gun as the other boys fall in behind him] Cartman: Stay away from us, Trent! Stan: What is that? Cartman: It's my mom's taser. I took it from her purse. [steps forward] Just back off, man! Trent: Look, just take your punishment! You deserve it! Let me have my retribution and it can be over with. Cartman: I am not going to have a titty twister! I hate titty twisters! Trent: You don't even know how to use that! [advances on Cartman, who fires the taser but misses.] Scene Description: The taser tips hit Ms. Claridge's wheelchair and begin charging her battery up. Excess power causes the wheelchair to spin twice around and go off to the corner she was facing. She hits Little Gas Shack and blows up three propane tanks just outside the store. Those tanks in turn blow up the store. Ms. Claridge catches fire and spins around a few more times. Her button blinks twice for no and she crosses back across the street, crashing into a Pets-U-Luv store. A bunch of cats attack her and she pulls back out of the store. She spins again a few more times and a policeman pulls up in his cruiser. Ms. Claridge rolls down the street and shears off a fire hydrant. She gets stuck atop the pipe and water shoots up and engulfs her. Moments later the ambulance pulls up and the paramedics prepare to put Ms. Claridge into the cargo area of the vehicle. Officer 2: So, Trent, you just had to finish off your old preschool teacher, eh? Trent: No! They did it! [silence for a few seconds] Cartman: Trent Boyett is a liar, sir. Officer 2: Ms. Claridge, did Trent Boyett do this to you? [two beeps, so no] Yes, yes. Take him away! Trent: [a blond officer arrests him] No! You've gotta listen to me! [nope. He's hauled away and the gathered crowd disperses] Kyle: Dude, when he gets out he's gonna be really mad! Cartman: Whatever, that's like five years from now. Stan: Yeah, who cares? The boys: Yeah, woohoo! Cartman: We did it! [walks over to the side of the cruiser Trent is sitting in] So long, Trent! Have a nice time! [Trent grits his teeth in anger as Cartman dances] Nyanyanyanyanyaaanyaaa! [turns around and lowers his pants, then shakes his bare at him] Hahahahahaaahaaa! [he forgot to remove the nipple markings from it. Trent grows livid. The six-graders arrive and notice Cartman's buttcheeks.] Sixth grader 2: Hey, hold on a second! Cartman: Uh oh. Sixth grader 2: Bewbs! Sixth grader 1: Omigod! Sixth graders: Boobs! Sixth grader 1: [as the others argue over them and carry Cartman away] I'm taking them to the bushes! Sixth grader 2: I'm taking them to the bushes first! Cartman: Hah! Hey!

Scene Description: An announcer introduces the news over some action-type music. Announcer: This is closed-circuit television for South Park Elementary School. And now, Super School News. The news made for students, by students. Jimmy: Welcome to S-super School News. I'm Jimmy Valmer. Cartman: And I'm Rick Cartman. Jimmy: The price of milk money will go up next Monday to 49 cents. The school claims the added money is due to the cow shortage in South Park County. Cartman: Parent-teacher conferences will be held this Wednesday night, from seven to nine. So kids, get a lot of playing in before you get grounded. And now, for a look at what's on the menu for school lunch today, here's Stan Marsh. Scene Description: Reporting from the cafeteria, Stan. Stan: Eric, it looks as though the school will be serving a chicken cutlet. Now, that's traditionally a uh-a white meat chicken... breast, if you will, that has been breaded, and then cooked. I've been told there will also be tater-tots and a vegetable dish. This is really shaping up to be a ah-ah one fantastic lunch. Eric? Cartman: [serious pose] ...Hard-hitting reporting, Stan. Thanks a lot. And now, here with the celebrity watch is Butters Stotch. Butters, seen any celebrities? Scene Description: Reporting from the sidewalk in front of the school, Butters. Butters: Nu-noo, not yet. I've been standin' out in front of the school for about ...two hours now and ah, and I haven't seen any celebrities. Uh, about thirty minutes ago I thought I saw Sigourney Weaver, but ih-ih-turn- it turns out it was a dead horse. Cartman: All right, Butters, keep your eyes open. Butters: [over a speaker] Will do. Jimmy: More snow for South P... P-P-Park. Here's Token Black with the weather. Token: [in front of a weather map] Jimmy and Eric, it looks like a massive snow storm is headed South Park's way. I asked my dad last night and he said that he heard the snow storm is expected on Tuesday. Guys? Cartman: Kyle Broflovski now joins us for a look at sports. And Kyle, the girls' basketball team just can't get it right. Kyle: [at a small desk, for Sports] Another devastating loss for the Cows last night, Eric. They were ahead in the game until Kelly Anderson started crying because she missed her daddy, who's on a business trip in Thailand. Uh, Kelly was so upset she couldn't play, and the Cows had to forfeit. Cartman: Cows are on a six and O slide since Kelly's father left for that business trip. Jimmy: And that's all for Super School News. Enjoy your day at South Park Eh-Eh-Eh-Eh- [lilts] Ehehehehe [normal] El-Elementary. Stan: [returning from the kitchen to serve as cameraman] And we're... cut! [turns off the camera] Cartman: All right, nice reporting, guys. Nice. [the reporters gather in studio] Butters: Boy, that was a great episode! Stan: Yeah, I think that was one of our best shows yet. Mr. Meryl: [enters the studio] Boys, I'm afraid I have some bad news. The school has to cancel your show. Kyle: What?! Jimmy: For God's sake,why Mr. M-M-Meryl?! Mr. Meryl: Well, the students just aren't watching ya. Your rating was only a four this whole week. Cartman: How many students is that? Mr. Meryl: Four. [holds up four fingers] Four students watch your show. And meanwhile, Craig's show is getting a 57! Stan: ...Craig's show?? Cartman: What is that butthole doing now?! Mr. Meryl: Oh, it's brilliant! It's all just video footage of animals close-up with a wide angle lens. [pops a VHS tape into the player and the video starts] Craig: [on tape, as the name of the show is displayed] Animals Close-Up With A Wide Angle Lens. [the video goes on to show close-ups of dogs and cats.] Stan: But that's... that's crap! That's not even TV! Mr. Meryl: It's what the students want, and it's cheaper to make than your show. Just one person and a video camera. Craig is a genius. Uh-sorry, kids. [walks between and past them] Jimmy: [stopping Mr. Meryl] But, Mr. Meryl, we're trying to bring the news to the students. They need to know the facts, and our news team delivers them, very much. Mr. Meryl: Kids don't care about the news, boys. It's boring. Kids wanna see animals, close-up, with a wide angle lens! Cartman: Please, Mr. Meryl, but, the news is our life. Without it, we have nothing. Mr. Meryl: I'm sorry, kids. Y-y-you should be proud of what you've done. It's just that it's kind of gay. [walks off] Cartman: ...You're gay! Scene Description: Whistlin' Willy's Pizza Gulch, day. The boys are seated for lunch: Jimmy, Butters, Cartman, Stan, Kyle, and Token. Other kids are there as well. Butters: [his head resting on his right hand] Gee whiz. We sure worked hard on that new show. Stan: Apparently it doesn't matter how hard you work. Whistlin' Willy: [approaches the table] Hello boys, ready to do some whistlin'? [begins to whistle] Cartman: Fuck off, Whistlin' Willy. We're not in the mood. Whistlin' Willy: [enthusiastically] If you want a pizza, you've gotta whistle. [whistles] Come on! [whistles some more, then stops. The boys whistle back, but slowly and flatly] There you go! [sets the pizza down on the table and leaves] Cartman: [softly] God, I wish we had a Pizza Hut in South Park. Stan: [look at Cartman, but notices someone else] Hey, look, Craig just walked in. [Craig enters to cheers from the other kids in the restaurant and waves back to them. Several kids take pictures of Craig] Bradley: Yeah! Kid 1: Hey look, it's Craig! Kevin: Hey, Craig, over here! Kyle: Geez, all that from a stupid video show. Craig: [sees the other boys and addresses them] Oh hey guys. Heard about your news show being cancelled. Cartman: Go play with yourself, Craig. Craig: Yeah, well, I've got an overall deal with the school, heh. They're paying me six dollars a week to come up with new shows. Stan: Your idea took about this much thought, Craig! [holds up a fist with thumb and index finger just a centimeter apart] Craig: [throws the gesture back at Stan] This much more than you had! Scene Description: Craig walks off with his fans. They head to Willy's VIP Lounge, which is just a large corner booth. A waiter guards access to the lounge and Craig approaches. Craig: Hey, a round of root beers for everyone! On me! [the other kids cheer and the waiter opens the lounge. The kids pour into place, including Kenny.] Kenny: (Woohoo!) Cartman: [catches up to Kenny] Kenny, what the hell are you doing with this asshole?! Kenny: (Craig just asked me to do his show, geez.) Cartman: You're helping Craig make his show?! I can't believe you would betray us like that! We've always been supercool to you! [Kenny flashes back to Cartman gloating about their news show]  "Hahahahahaaahaaa! We're gonna do a news show, and you can't do it with us, because you are too poo-oor, and poor people don't watch the new-oos! Nyanyanyanyanyaaanyaaa!" [Kenny gets annoyed] [The flashback ends, which the upset Kenny crosses his arms] ...Ah whatever, Kenny! [walks away] Craig: Hey gang, I brought the new episode of wide angle, close-up animals. [the kids cheer again. Clyde walks up and takes the tape from Craig] Clyde: [excitedly runs towards the video wall] Put it, put it up on the, monitors! [puts the tape into the player and more close-up footage of animals is shown] Kids: Cuuute. [a kitten's face is shown] Super cuuute. Kyle: [turns back to the table] Gah, I just don't get it. Token: Wow, those animals are pretty cute. Stan: Token! Now, come on, guys! We worked too hard to just roll over for Craig and his stupid overall deal. Instead of sitting here feeling sorry for ourselves, we just need to figure out how to make our show better! Kyle: Yeah. Maybe if we can get higher ratings by the end of the week, they'll let us stay on the air! Butters: Well, what are we waitin' for?! Stan: Come on, guys! [the boys leave] Scene Description: Student Conference Room 1-F, later. Inside, A sign above the chalkboard reads "Idea Room." Cartman has his feet up on the table. Stan paces the floor. Stan: All right, we all need to come up with ideas for our show. Kyle: How about we revamp the name? Super School News sounds dry. Cartman: It should be Sexy News. Token: Action News! Stan: Yeah, Sexy Action, that's good. Kyle: Maybe the problem is we don't have very good stories to report on. Cartman: Right. We should make up stories, because they'll be far more interesting. Butters: Hey, yeah. Uh why I could say I saw celebrities even though I didn't, a-a-and then lie about what I saw them doing. Cartman: Nice, Butters, write that down! Butters: [enunciates each word as he writes it] Lie about celebrities. Stan: We have to appeal to all the students, so we, we need hot girls for the sixth graders... Cartman: And panda bears for the preschoolers. Stan: Good! Kyle: Maybe we need to make students think they have to watch our news show or they'll die. Token: Yeah! We should make up a bunch of reports about how dangerous it is to be alive. Butters: Oh, boy! Jimmy: Fellas, are you sure all of this is eh-ethical? Cartman: We're in fourth grade, Jimmy. We don't even know what ethical means. Stan: All right, Sexy Action School News Team, it's time to go to work. Get out there and get some stories! Butters: Sexy Action School News Team, ho! [the boys leave their seats and head out the doors. Cartman stops Token] Cartman: Ah, Token, can I have a quick word with you? [takes Token by the arm and walks him away from the door] Look, Token, I-I know the guys are having trouble bringing this up with you, but uh... Well the thing is, Token, we... we really need to revamp your whole TV persona. Token: Huh? Cartman: You see Token, people really enjoy seeing African-Americans on the news... Seeing African-Americans on the news, not hearing them. That's why all African-Americans newspeople learn to talk more... wha-, how should I say... white. [Sees that Token isn't following] Token, all the great African-Americans news people have learned to hide their ebonic tribespeak with a more pure Caucasian dialect. There's no shame in it, and I think it'll really help our ratings. Announcer: This is South Park Elementary School closed-circuit television. And now, [dramatic fanfare] Time with the Sexy Action School News! [a splashy logo appears with a small explosion behind the logo, then a female silhouette walking across the screen behind the words] Cartman: Is South Park about to explode from a methane gas leak? More on that later. But first, Stan Marsh has a look at some new outfits for the Raisins girls! Scene Description: Reporting from Raisins, Stan Marsh. He's surrounded by Raisins with shorter shorts and tank tops. Raisins Girls: Woohoo! Stan: Eric, the outfits are even skimpier than before, leaving very little to the imagination. No doubt that if I were a little older, I would be aroused. Raisins Girls: Woowhoowoo! Cartman: And now, for a look at the weather, here is Token Black, and Token, I hope there's no tornadoes headed our way. Token: [deeper, whiter voice] No tornadoes, Eric, but interestingly enough, there is a low-pressure storm moving in over the Park County Valley. Should bring us some chilly days ahead. [grins and points his index fingers at the camera] Jimmy: The Park County School Board has approved a bigger budget for the computer lab up- Cartman: [rudely interrupting] Oooo, hang on, Jimmy, it looks like Kyle has the dish on some students' bathroom habits. Kyle? Kyle: [at a different, flashier desk] Eric, sources are speculating that third-grade student, Pete Thelman [his picture is shown], pees sitting down like a girl. We've also got confirmation that Sally Turner [her picture is shown] stuffs her bra. And Clyde Donovan has only one testicle. Cartman: [cracks up with laughter, then holds up a finger] One testicle! [pounds the desk and laughs] What an asshole! [a short jingle is heard] Token: Uh-oh, looks like it's Panda Bear Madness Minute! [circus music plays as panda-suited mascots and the other reporters join Token in the weather area and dance. A pulsating logo appears] Cartman: Oh yeah, Panda Bear Madness! And now, let's get a look at the celebrity watch, with Butters. Jimmy: [dismayed] This isn't the news, this is a tr-tr-tr-tr-travesty. Scene Description: Student Conference Room 1-F. Cartman: All right, so after my report on the unsanitary conditions of the school cafeteria, we're go to Kyle for the story on Brian Teeves trying to make out with Susan Farkle. Stan: Then, let's do Token's report on how global warming is going to kill everyone in the fifth grade. Token: That is a terrific idea, Stan, A-Okay. Jimmy: [walks into the room with a tape] Fellas! Fellas, I got fant-tastic news! The vice-President, Dick Cheney, was in Denver yesterday, and I got an interview with him for our news show. [the boys look at Cartman] Cartman: Oooo, interview with the vice-President, hmmm. Frankly, Jimmy, I don't know how we're gonna fit that in between cheerleader pie-eating and Who's got skidmarks Monday. Jimmy: But this is real news! Cartman: It's boring news, Jimmy. Jimmy: How do you know?! You you haven't s-seen it yet! Cartman: All right, tell me about it. Jimmy: Well, in the interview, Mr. Cheney tells me all about how the- Cartman: [yawns loudly] Aww! Ohh! God, I just got so sleepy. I'm sorry, what were we talking about? Jimmy: Look, fellas, I've got a real problem with the direction our news show is going! We're dumbing down the school! Stan: No, Jimmy, the school is already dumb. We're just giving them what they want. Kyle: We're making the news more appealing to students. Jimmy: This isn't the news! This a b-b-bastardized quest for ratings! Damnit, we have a journalistic responsibility to bring students the fa... the facts! [begins to walk around the table] Don't you see what we've done? In our efforts to compete with Craig's small-minded show, we've made a mockery of n-news reporting. I remember when we all made an oath to each other, way back when started playing news reporter, that we would never let anything jeopardize our integrity! Well our integrity is jeopardized! And if we can't report news the honest way, what good is n-news reporting? [Cartman then yawns loudly again] Scene Description: Mr. Meryl's office, Audio-Visual Department. Mr. Meryl: Boys, first of all, I want to tell you how impressed I am with your ability to get more ratings. Your show beat Close-up Animals with a Wide Angle Lens by three viewers! The boys: All right! Woohoo! Awesome! [the boys give each other hugs all around and shake hands] Stan: I knew we could do it! Kyle: We beat Close-up Animals! Cartman: Oh man, this is so great! We, we worked so hard to be on top! Oh, oh come'ere you! [hugs Butters] Mr. Meryl: Yes, but unfortunately, you got crushed in the ratings by Craig's new show. [the boys continue cheering, then stop and look at Mr. Meryl] Stan: Craig's new show? Mr. Meryl: All the students love it. It's an incredible idea called Close-up Animals With a Wide Angle Lens... Wearing Hats. Take a look. [clicks Play. The boys turn around to look at the monitor. The animals on display now are wearing hats, but it's the same show as before otherwise.] That Craig is a freakin' genius, I tell ya. He's like... an idea machine. Butters: Does... Does this mean we're still gonna get cancelled? Mr. Meryl: I'm afraid it's worse than that, boys. I'm gonna have to give you all F's in Extracurricular AV Class. You have to learn now how important ratings are! Stan: Hey wha-b-but we gave it our best. Mr. Meryl: Yes. [begins to rock in his seat] And I guess your best wasn't good enough. [shows them the door] Scene Description: In the hall. Mr. Meryl closes the door behind them. Stan: [stunned] I don't believe it. Cartman: I can't lose this extracurricular credit. I need it to pass fourth grade! Butters: Stupid news hair! [He removes his wig and kicks it away.] Jimmy: Fellas! Don't you see? This proves my point. We have to elevate our ideas up, not down. Kyle: Yeah, Jimmy's right. I know we can come up with way better ideas than Craig. Stan: Yeah. To save our show, all we need to do is come up with the best idea for an episode ever! Scene Description: Student Conference Room 1-F. The kid reporters sit around trying to think of something, anything, but all there is is silence. Kyle: What if we do a show where we- [stops] Uh, no. Cartman: How about we have us, um... hmmm. Stan: Come on, doesn't anybody have any show ideas? Butters: Well, how about we get panda bears and we have them dance around with us? Token: We did that! Jimmy: Wow, coming up with ideas is... hard. Stan: Look, you guys, if Craig can do it, we can do it! Come on! [time passes. Stan begins to pace the floor again] How about we do... a show... with us... ughhh. Kyle: Uhhh. What if the-? Cartman: Wait, I've got it. [the boys turn and look at him] Crab people. Stan: Crab people? Cartman: They're like half crab, half people, and they live below the ground. Stan: [looks at Cartman, then gets annoyed] Dude, I think we can do a little better than crab people. Butters: I know! We should read the funnies! [hops off his chair and goes to a table, on which sits the Sunday Funnies] I always get good ideas from the funnies. Cartman: [his face buried in his hands] Butters, only gay little dweebs read the funnies! Butters: Yeah! I read 'em all the time! Uh here's one: the uh, snail tripped over a hurdle, and the other snail says "Well that's gonna add another hour to his time." [laughs] Yeah! You guys! [gets no reaction from the other boys] Heh. Cartman: How about we do a show where we kill Butters? [time marches on and the boys get sleepy, except for Butters] Butters: [still reading the funnies, giggles, then laughs] So Dagwood says "Good, guh-good thing we're playin' ...uh the back nine at your house." [laughs heartily] Stan: We're hopelessly stuck, completely out of ideas. Cartman: We have crab people. Just sayin'. Kyle: Wait! You know what we should do? We should all take a bunch of cough medicine! Token: Cough medicine? Kyle: That's what the sixth graders do behind the school at recess. They take way too much cough medicine because they say it makes them see things in their heads. Scene Description: South Park Pharmacy, later. The boys are at the cold and flu medicine aisle. Butters: Gee whiz, there sure is a lot of 'em. Kyle: How do we know which one to use? Stan: Cartman: That sounds perfect. Jimmy: B-b-bingo! Pharmacist: Can I help you boys? Stan: Uh, yeah, we need to come up with some ideas and inspiration, so we're gonna drink a bunch of cough medicine. Pharmacist: Whoa, boys! That's not what you need to come up with ideas. Kyle: It's not? Pharmacist: No! What you want is Calminex PM. [grabs a similar bottle to the first one and hands it to Kyle] It has the dexatrimfan in it that causes hallucinations in large doses. Kyle: Oh, okay. Pharmacist: Now, if it's more of a lucid, speedy kind of high you're looking for, I do also carry the Daytab Cold and Flu. Then there's the maximum-strength Cortitussin Cough and Cold, but of course, that's only if you really want to trip balls. Jimmy: Wha-what do you think, fellas? Stan: I guess we'll just take all of 'em. Pharmacist: That's the spirit! All right, boys, I'll just need your parents' permission. [the boys look at each other] Kidding! I'm just pulling your legs. Come on over to the register. [goes to the register. The boys follow and see Herbert Garrison and Mr. Slave waiting for the pharmacist] Herbert Garrison: Oh, looks like somebody else is doin' a little partyin' tonight. Mr. Slave: Oh, Jesus Christ Butters: Woo. We aren't havin' a party. Herbert Garrison: Oh yeah, sure, you're just buyin' that for your bad coughs, right? [fakes a bad cough and nudges Mr. Slave] Us too. [coughs] Mr. Slave: [coughs] Jesus. [coughs] Scene Description: Student Conference Room 1-F. Butters and Jimmy sit at a sofa. Jimmy has set his crutches aside and is now drinking the cough syrup. Kyle: [handing out a few things] All right, now everybody take a tablet and a pencil. [Stan, Token, and Cartman are on the floor] and when all the ideas start coming, just write 'em down. We might not remember everything otherwise. Butters: [Jimmy hands him a bottle] Oh boy, I can't wait to be creative and smart. [chugs down the cough syrup] Eww, it's all thick and g-gooey. Cartman: [taps at his notepad several times with a pencil] Huh. I don't have any ideas yet. Kyle: Stan? [Stan's eyes have glazed over and he looks stupefied. From Stan's point of view, the whole world changes. Kyle now has a wolf head with yellow eyes.] Dude, Stan, you all right? Jimmy: [appears as a yellow figure with multi-colored polka dots all over his body] I think maybe he's f-feeling it. Cartman: [appears as a blob with echoing voice] Stan, are you getting good ideas? Butters: Whoa... [stretches out his left hand] I'm feeling kind of bowling-ballish, fellas. Scene Description: Stan begins his head trip. He sees a tunnel with yellow light, then a flash of plasma, then an animated Mandelbrot design, then a prize-winning dog on a pedestal. A bell sounds. Next, a tunnel with blue light, which ends up at a performance of some sort, a time-lapse shot of rolling clouds, another Mandelbrot animation, a running shot of a meadow, then a wide-angle view of the boys. Cartman: [with altered voice] Stan? Stan, come on. We're gonna go find a frog. [smiles, turns around and walks away] Scene Description: Stan then sees time-lapse footage of a ride through a city, then blooming flowers, then time-lapse footage of the reporters walking around the valley, then some weird graphics, then Cartman in degraded colors. Cartman and Kyle speak to him in weird altered voices. Cartman: Oh dude, I just got the best idea! Kyle: [with modulated voice] Me too! [they quickly write their ideas down in their notepads] Scene Description: Stan then sees an imploding building, then some dancing African women, an explosion in another building, a zoom-pan shot of an African dancer. Next he sees himself and the boys on a sidewalk in downtown. Butters: Hey! Let's run naked through the street! [Butters rips off his clothes, except for his wig and runs away happily. Kyle, Token, and Cartman stand around with goofy grins on their faces doing nothing.] Scene Description: Student Conference Room 1-F, later on. Token and Jimmy are in armchairs, Stan stayed on the floor, Kyle, Butters, and Cartman are on the sofa. Butters is in his underwear. All of them are groggy. Cartman: Dude, this TV show is awesome. Stan: It's... it's the greatest show of all time. Kyle: I could watch this for days. [They are unknowingly watching Craig's show, Close-up Animals With a Wide Angle Lens Wearing Hats] The boys: [without enthusiasm] Cuuute. Super cuuute. Scene Description: Student Conference Room 1-F, next morning. The boys are now asleep. Butters is still in his underwear with his head on Kyle's lap. Stan, sleeping on the floor, wakes up and looks around. Stan: You guys. You guys, wake up! [the boys are roused] Kyle: Ah! Butters: Huh? Kyle: Butters, get away from me! Butters: [looks down at his body] Oh J-Jesus, where are my clothes?! Stan: We took a bunch of cough medicine to come up with ideas for our show. I didn't come up with anything. Cartman: I-I did. I wrote something down. [reaches down and gets his tablet] Here it is! Uh, squiggly line, circle. [shows the drawing to the other boys] Kyle: I wrote down... all the lyrics to the Happy Days theme song. Stan: You guys, we watched Craig's show all night long. Token: [still groggy] Yeah. It was great. Stan: No, but don't you see? We didn't think it was great before. I think I understand now. [strokes his chin] I think I know why Craig's show gets such great ratings! Half the school is high on cough medicine! Kyle: Jesus, you may be right. Jimmy: Fellas, this is our chance! Everyone get your hair looking as fantastic as possible. It's time for us to do the most incredible investigative news report of our journalistic lives! Announcer: This is closed-circuit television for South Park Elementary School. And now, [sudden change of tone and flashy graphics follow] a Sexy Action News Team Special Report: Cough Medicine Abuse in School! [the boys are shown in their news reporter attire and they strike serious poses. Cartman takes off his glasses.] With the Sexy Action School News Team! [a shot of a coffin being lowered into its plot] It's the report you can't afford to miss! [a skull and crossbones appear and a scream is heard. The picture itself takes on a blue hue] And now here is Rick Cartman! Cartman: [camera pans down to him] They call it cough syrup, cough medicine, cold and flu remedy. But behind closed doors at South Park Elementary it also has a street name. Coochie, wombat juice, tigger yum yum. Hello, I'm Rick Cartman. Today, the Sexy Action School News Team takes you inside the dark and lonely world... of cough medicine abuse. Stan: [voice over] They're doing it in the hallways! [a shot of Tweek downing some cough syrup, then jumping in surprise with his iconic yelp and running away] Behind the school! [a shot of the Goth kids downing cough medicine] Pete: Hey, get out of here, you fuckin' dork! Stan: Even in the girls' bathroom! [a shot of Bebe and Red in the restroom viewed through an air vent. Bebe takes a sip from a bottle of cough medicine, gives it to Red to sip, then notices something in the air vent] Bebe: [approaches the sink under the vent] Is somebody in there?! I'll tell on you! Stan: [a shot of Jimmy and Principal Victoria looking at the report] We showed the shocking footage to the principal! Principal Victoria: Oh my goodness! Jimmy: P- Principal Victoria, can you explain how your administration fai-failed to see this p-p-pro-o-o... p-p-problem. Principal Victoria: Well I... we... Kyle: [steps into view in front of Cartman, who has his arms crossed] So where are students getting all this cough medicine?? [Cartman uncrosses his arms and puts his fists on his hips. Kyle puts his hands behind his back] This surveillance footage shows a group of troubled kids getting all the smack they want from a pharmacist! [it's the footage from their own visit to the pharmacist for the medicine] Sexy Action School News reported the pharmacist to the South Park police, and he was immediately arrested! [a shot of the pharmacist being escorted out of the store and into a cruiser. Officer Barbrady takes part in the arrest] Token: The cough companies claim they don't intend for their product to be used by kids to get high! But one look at the packaging tells otherwise. [brings out the first package] Theradryl DM. For kids. [brings out the next package] Dexa Cough, children's formula. Cartman: And now, for a quick celebrity check, here's Butters Stotch. Butters: [from the front of the school] Still no celebrities, Eric. Uh, I'll keep my eyes open. Stan: The cough medicine problem used to also run rampant in neighboring Middle Park Elementary. But they took action: riddled their entire town of cough medicine, and what we see now is a happier school, 100% cough medicine-free. [a shot of the hallways from the entrance. All the kids are coughing and walking around. Some of them sneeze] Scene Description: Mr. Meryl's office, later. Mr. Meryl: Boys, I want to congratulate you on what is perhaps the finest piece of student television I've ever seen. Not only did you get all the students and myself off of couch medicine, but you got a 22 in the ratings! Kyle: Twenty-two people?! All right! Craig: [enters and moves past the other boys] You wanted to see me, Mr. Meryl? Mr. Meryl: Oh yes, Craig. It appears that the ratings for your show are down significantly. Stan: [knowingly] Gee, what a coincidence. Jimmy: I wonder... oo-oo.. w-why? Mr. Meryl: You need to know how important ratings are, Craig, so, I'm going to suspend you from school and request that you have your testicles removed surgically. [Craig's jaw drops.] Cartman: [gleefully] Haha! In your face, Craig! Mr. Meryl: You boys are approved for twenty-seven new shows. I want you to come up with an even better idea than the cough medicine story. Get to it! Scene Description: Student Conference Room 1-F, later on. The boys are seated at the table once again, sitting in silence. Stan: Nobody has any ideas? Cartman: This sucks. I don't wanna keep havin' to come up with ideas for shows all the time. It hurts my head. [Token and Kyle sit across from him with no ideas either] Kyle: Dude, bail? Cartman: ...I think bail. Stan: ...Bail. [everyone leaves the table] Jimmy: Yep, b-b-b-bail. [the room is empty as the door closes off-camera.] Scene Description: The last scenes are that of "Close-up Animals With a Wide Angle Lens Wearing Hats"

Scene Description: South Park Mall, day. Inside, a crowd awaits a special event. A small stage with "PARIS" written on it in large letters is set up before a red curtain. Wendy and Bebe arrive and make their way to the front. Bebe: Come on, Wendy, we're gonna miss it! Wendy: We're gonna miss what? Bebe: Paris Hilton is making an appearance at the mall! Wendy: Who's Paris Hilton? Red: "Who's Paris Hilton?" Annie: You don't know? Store owner: [someone takes a picture as he approaches the mic.] Hello, everyone! The Guess Clothing Company is pleased to have as its new spokesperson model, a woman all you young ones can look up to, Ms. Paris Hilton. [she appears and flashbulbs go off amid squeals from females in the crowd. She then lifts her bra and shows off her breasts] Bebe: Wow, that's really her! Paris! Over here! Wendy: I don't get it. What's she do? Annie: She's super-rich! Wendy: ...But what does she do? Red: She's totally spoiled and snobby. Wendy: [annoyed] What does she do?! Man: [walks by and overhears] She's a whore. [takes his camera and snaps a few pictures] Paris: [her left eyelid hangs heavy] Hey everyone. Sorry if I'm a little spent. I did a whole lot of partying last night with a LOT of different guys. [coughs semen onto her left fist] Anyway, I'm pleased to be here in Gouth Dark to announce the opening of my brand new store! A store where girls can buy everything they need to be just like me! Stupid Spoiled Whore! [the red curtain drops to reveal the store. The crowd cheers] Have fun, girls. And remember to party, and be super-lame to everybody. G'Bye! [steps aside and off-stage. An assistant awaits with water and a tote bag, which has a Chihuahua in it. She holds out a bottle of water] Give me that! Fucking Christ I need a drink! [vomits out feces, then drinks from the bottle. The assistant arms her with the tote bag] Where's my dog?! [walks off] Scene Description: Stupid Spoiled Whore, inside. The girls rush in as the doors open and begin to mill around. Bebe leads Red, Annie, and Wendy around. Wendy's still stunned. Bebe: Wow, look at all this great stuff. Stupid Spoiled Whore clothes, Stupid Spoiled Whore dolls. Red: [walks up to a display case] Hey, check it out: the new Paris Hilton perfume, Skanque. [grins and holds a heart-shaped bottle with the name on it] Announcer: Skanque. Annie: [carrying some clothes] Oh yeah, let's get lots of that! Wendy: You guys, don't buy this stuff! Why do you want to be like Paris Hilton? Red: It's not just Paris: Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Tara Reid, they're all stupid spoiled whores! Wendy: But the idea that we'll be whorish for money is belittling to our gender! Bebe: [now with two armloads of clothes] Wendy, get a clue. The only thing more important than being rich is being famous! Annie: Wow, you really sound like a dumb brat, Bebe. Bebe: Thanks, Annie! [She, Annie, and Red walk away, and Wendy remains stunned] Scene Description: South Park Mall, parking lot. Paris's chauffeur holds the limousine door open for her. Paris: [quickly arrives and enters the limo] God, get me out of this hick town! What a bunch of rednecks! [the driver closes the door, starts up the limo, and drives off. Inside, she picks up her Chihuahua and starts talking to it, caressing it] Everybody's so fucking lame. Except for you, my little Tinkerbell. You love my vewy much, don't you? How much you wuv me? I'm gonna dress you up like a bunny, and then I'm gonna dress you up like a little princess. You're mine forever! [her cellphone rings and she answers it, releasing Tinkerbell.] Whatever! Oh, hey, Kasey. Oh, another stupid store opening at some lame cowboy town. [Tinkerbell jumps down from the seat and walks away dejected] Oh, it's so fucking stupid, this whole town stinks like cows. [Tinkerbell is up on the divider and looks down] I can't wait to get out of here! Grody! Scene Description: Tinkerbell drops down onto the front seat Paris: They have the lamest stores, too. [... walks over to the driver and digs around his right coat pocket ...] I'm gonna go to Rome for the weekend, I think. I dunno, Rome or Tokyo, either way it'll be totally boring. [... and digs out a small gun from the pocket.] Stupid. [coughs some semen onto her left hand] Hagh. [Tinkerbell carries the gun back to the back seat...] I need to get wasted. I haven't had a drink in like fourteen minutes. Why is everybody so stupid anyway? [... and sets the gun down long enough to put the barrel against its chin. Tinkerbell then tries to set the gun off with her right hind leg. That doesn't work, so she stands the gun up on its butt and tries again] I flashed all these hicks with my boobs; you should've seen the look on their faces! Stupid redneck idiots! Scene Description: The gun goes off and Tinkerbell falls over, her brain and blood splattering on the seat's back and rear window. Paris: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Chauffeur: Oh dear... Paris: Another dog killed itself! Scene Description: A house. Two girls sit at a dining table doing nothing. Wendy enters and addresses them. Wendy: Hey, Jessie [the blonde], Hey, Kal. Do you guys mind if I hang out with you? The other girls are acting really strange. Jessie: Sure, Wendy. We were just trying to think of something to do. Wendy: Oh, well, you wanna maybe go to the art museum? Jessie: Nah, that sounds really dull. Kal: Hey, I know! Let's make a videotape of us having sex with boys! [Jessie likes the idea] Wendy: What?! Kal: I just got [brings out a box] the Stupid Spoiled Whore video playset! [the set comes from Letcher Price and "Makes you a whore and so much more!"] Singers: Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset! Kal: You can make videos that get out on the Internet! Jessie: Yeah! [Kal puts on some makeup as Jessie looks on] Singers: Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset! Show the whole world what a slut you are! Announcer: Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset comes with video camera, night-vision filter, play money, cellphone, and sixteen hits of ecstasy. [nine hits are shown] [The playset box is shown again, then Kal is shown on the cellphone] Singers: Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset! Let everyone see your coo-ooch! [The playset box is shown again, then Kal is shown on the cellphone] Kal: I'm pretending to be calling my friends on the cellphone while my man waits for more sex! Jessie: You're a Stupid Spoiled Whore. [Wendy just turns right and walks away.] Where are you goin', Wendy? Scene Description: The limousine. Paris is crying over the loss of Tinkerbell. Paris: Bwaaaaaaa! Waaaaaaaaaaa! Chauffeur: All right, Ms. Hilton, we'll find you another dog. Paris: [throws a tantrum] Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Chauffeur: There there now, let's just get you back home, shall we? Paris: Woooooooooohooooooooooooooohoooooooooooooooo... [notices something outside] Wait! Wait, stop the car! [the limo proceeds] Stop the car, you fucking moron! [the limo stops] Look at how cuuute. I want that! I want that! Butters: [playing with some apples on a checkerboard blanket on the front lawn] Loo loo loo, I've got some apples, Loo loo loo, you've got some too. Paris: It's adorable! [exits the limo and closes the door] Butters: Loo loo loo, let's make some applesauce, take off our clothes and loo loo loo! [Paris approaches him] Paris: Look at his wittle puff ball! [Butters is surprised] I'm gonna feed you, and take care of you, and call you Mr. Biggles! [kneels down and hugs him] Butters: My name's Butters. Paris: Driver, put Mr. Biggles in the car. [the driver appears] I want to find a bear costume for him. Won't he be soo cute dressed up as a bear? Chauffeur: Paris, I believe this is somebody's child. Paris: I want it! Chauffeur: I don't think you can actually- Paris: I want it! I want it! [rocks back and forth] Chauffeur: All right, all right, come on- come on, young man. Butters: Wa-I'm sorry, ma'am. I'd like to be your boyfriend and all, uh, even though you have kind of a big nose, but my parents told me, "never get into a car with a stranger." Paris: Well, did they say anything about limousines? [Butters thinks about it. An image of his parents appears] Stephen: Butters, never get into a car with a stranger. Unless it's a limousine. Butters: Yeah, actually, they did say that'd be all right. Paris: [happily] Get in the limo, Mr. Biggles! We're gonna have a bear costume made for you! Scene Description: Wendy's house, night. Her parents are watching TV and munching on chips on the sofa. She enters with her head down. Announcer: And now, back to The Price is Right! [Wendy sighs] Mr. Testaburger: Hi, sweetie. What's the matter? Wendy: Mom, Dad, I'm growing concerned about the role models young women have in today's society. Mr. Testaburger: Oh? Wendy: It seems that lewdness and shallowness are being exalted, while intellectualism is looked down upon. Mr. Testaburger: ...Gosh. Wendy: I think young women are being marketed to by corrupt, moral-less corporations. Mr. Testaburger: Well, get right on fixing that, sweetie. Wanna watch The Price is Right? [Wendy doesn't answer. Instead, she turns away and walks off slowly, and her parents go back to eating chips] Wendy: [spins around and walks back] Dad, there's a new store at the mall called "Stupid Spoiled Whore" and I'm gonna go there and buy a thong! Mr. Testaburger: [suddenly angered] What?! No daughter of mine is going to dress like a whore! We're marching down to that store right now, young lady! Scene Description: Stupid Spoiled Whore, moments later. Wendy and her dad enter the store. He looks around. Mr. Testaburger: Oh my God! Well, this place is-! Oh my God! [approaches a line of girls and their mothers.] Mrs. Faulk, you're buying this stuff for your daughter?! Mrs. Faulk: [giggles] It's what's in right now. I, I can't have my little girl be the only one not in a trend; she'll be unpopular. Mr. Testaburger: Unpopular?! If she's not a whore?! [Bebe and her mom now pay attention] But these are our girls! Mrs. Stevens: I think it's empowering for them. I mean, sure, if a man wants to be a whore, it's normal, but if a woman wants to be one, it's wrong. [the other females murmur in agreement] Woman 1: Yeah, when a man pees standing up, it's normal, but when a woman does it, it's weird. Females: Yeah! Right! Woman 2: Yeah, like, when men shave their balls it's fine, but when a woman does it she's straaange. Females: Yeah! Right! It isn't fair! Teen girl 1: All the girls in South Park are gonna be total sluts from now on, so you can just get used to it. Teen girl 2: [rubs her ass up against Mr. Testaburger] Yeah. Will you buy me that purse I want over there? I'll do anything, 'cause I'm a whore. Mr. Testaburger: [more amenable now] Oh, uh, sure I can buy a purse. Wendy: Dad! Mr. Testaburger: Nope. Wendy, I think they're right. You see, you have to believe in the rights of women. For too long they've had to live a double standard. [enjoying the affection] Oh yeah. I'm sorry I've been so chauvinistic, Wendy. From now on, you can have whatever you want from this store, I'll help make you the stupidest, most spoiled whore of them all! Females: Hooray! Scene Description: The Stotch house, day. Stephen: Butters, will you mind telling us why you're dressed up like a bear? Butters: [dressed in a bear cub outfit] Oh, well, uh, my sort-of-girlfriend dressed me up like this. Stephen: Your girlfriend? Paris: [enters the scene] There you are, Mr. Biggles! [picks Butters up and hugs him] Aw, I thought I'd lost you! [caresses him] Promise you'll never leave me. [his parents are stunned] Linda: Butters? You're dating Paris Hilton? You are grounded, mister! Butters: I'm sorry. Stephen: [turns his wife around] Uh, sweetheart, isn't Paris Hilton worth a lot of money? Linda: Chris, she's more than twice Butters' age. Stephen: Yes, and more than three billion times his net worth. Everybody adores that girl, darling. We should be nice to her too, especially if she's in love with our son! [they turn around] Linda: Uh, Paris, would you like to have some cocoa with us? [Paris coughs some semen onto her left hand and rubs it against the rug] Paris: With schnapps and Scotch. [coughs some more semen onto her hand] Scene Description: The dining table. The four persons are seated around it drinking cocoa, with Paris having a bottle of Scotch alongside the cocoa. Stephen: So, Paris, I understand you're from the prestigious Hilton family. Very nice hotels. Paris: I've gotta get outta here. This place is stupid. Where am I? Oh, I wanna take Mr. Biggles with me. Linda: [stunned again] With you where? Paris: To live with me forever and ever, you dumb broad. How much? Linda: How much? For Butters? Stephen: Butters is our son. He's not for sale. Paris: I'll give you two hundred million dollars for it. [Butters is afraid. Chris spits out his cocoa and puts down his cup] Stephen: Excuse me?! Paris: I said I'll give you two hundred million dollars for it! [Chris spits out his cocoa. Linda does so as well. Paris whips out a checkbook and pen] I'll write you a check for Mr. Biggles right now. Linda: Chris, is she serious? Stephen: Ah, Butters, why don't you take Paris up to your room for a little while, uh, Mommy and Daddy have to talk. Butters: [while Paris writes out a check] Mom, Dad, I-I love you. Please don't sell me to Paris Hilton. Stephen: Butters, right now! Scene Description: The living room, moments later. Chris paces the floor as Linda watches on. Linda: We aren't honestly considering this? Stephen: Darling, Paris is a billionaire. She can give Butters everything he wants. We'd be terrible parents not to consider it. Linda: But he's our son! Stephen: I know, darling, but look: we have to think about the rest of the family. Linda: The rest of the f- you do mean us? Stephen: Yes, us, the rest of the family. Scene Description: Upstairs, in Butters' room. The bed looks nice. Paris is now drunk from the Scotch she added to her cocoa. Paris: What should we do, Mr. Biggles? I drank too much. [falls backward upon the bad] Oh my God, I'm so wasted! [her genitals are exposed] The room's all spinny. I'm... totally passing out. [she falls silent. Butters looks around, then reaches over with his left hand and touches her vagina a few times] Scene Description: South Park Elementary. The class bell rings and kids clear the hall. Cartman is at his locker, and near him stand five girls. Wendy walks up to them. Wendy: Hey, Bebe. I heard you were having a party tonight. Bebe: You wouldn't be interested, Wendy. My parents are out of town, so it's a Stupid Spoiled Whore party. Wendy: I'm a stupid spoiled whore. [her dress is relaxed: blue jeans and turquoise tank top with one strap over the right shoulder. The girls laugh at her reply] Annie: Right. Please, Wendy, you're like Class President and stuff! Red: Yeah, and you get straight A's in school! Bebe: You're not even spoiled, because your parents give money to charity! Red: You don't want to go to this party, Wendy! We're inviting all the boys, and we're gonna play Spin the Bottle, and Two Minutes In The Closet, and do ketamine. Wendy: That's okay. Annie: Oh, please, do you even know what ketamine is? Wendy: Yes. Annie: See? You are too smart. Red: Yeah. We have no idea what ketamine is. Bebe: Sorry Wendy. You're just not a whore. Get lost! Girls: Yeah. [Wendy turns around and walks off sadly. The others laugh at her, then move on to other topics] Red: Hey, we'd better start inviting boys to the party. Sally Turner: Oooo, look, here comes Clyde. Bebe: Party at my house tonight, Clyde. You're invited. [Clyde walks by, wondering what these girls are on about] Millie: Mmm, I'd like a piece of that! Red: I wanna do him. Annie: Oh, yeah. Here comes Kyle. [Cartman, still at his locker, looks over. Kyle passes by] Sally: Mmm, talk to me, kosher boy. [Cartman turns around to see what the girls see] Millie: I'd like to twizel his pixie stick. Bebe: Party at my house tonight, Kyle. Annie: Tweek and Jason - that'd be a great three-way. [Tweek and Jason walk by] Red: Yeah, they're invited too. Sally: Jason has a huge bulge. You're gonna get it, boys. Bebe: Now here's what I'm talking about. [Token appears and walks by] A little midnight blue! Millie: Yeah, I'd like to wax his crankshaft! Annie: Be at Bebe's house, tonight, at seven! [Cartman clears his throat, closes his locker, and walks past the girls. Not one of them says a thing.] Sally: Look, here comes Kevin. [Kevin appears and walks by] Bebe: Hey Kevin, party at my house. Millie: I'd like to gargle his marbles. Red: Yeah, you said it. [Cartman runs back along the hall in such a way that the girls don't notice] Sally: See you there, Kev. [Cartman tries again, and the girls notice.] Cartman: "Dude, there's Cartman. We should invite him to the party for sure." [the girls say nothing. Cartman stops, gets angry, and walks back to the first girl he saw, then flips each one of them off. He flips Red off with both hands.] Fuck you Millie, fuck you Annie, fuck you Bebe, fuck you whatever your name is, and fuck you, bitch! [leaves.] Scene Description: Butters' room. He's gotten interested in Paris' genitals, poking at them. Butters: Huh. Didn't I... Whoa, that's the darnedest thing I ever saw. [upon hearing a knock on the door, he gasps and stops probing Paris] Stephen: Ms. Hilton? Uh, Ms. Hilton. Paris: [awakens and sits up] Eugh. Where am I? Ew! This room's all middle-class and small! Stephen: Ms. Hilton, we've talked it over all night and... while your offer is enticing, I'm afraid we just can't sell you our son for two hundred million dollars. [Butters smiles] It'll have to be two hundred and fifty million, cash, up front. Butters: Oh hamburgers! Paris: Yay! Mr. Biggles, you're mine forever! Butters: [jumps off the bed and runs to Linda] Please! Ah I don't want to live with her! She snores real bad, and she has a huge nose, and a squishy thing that lives in her pants! Please! Please don't sell me to her! [the parents look at each other] Stephen: All right, Butters, tell you what: if you can raise the two hundred and fifty million dollars yourself, you can stay. Butters: Uh, well huh, how am I supposed to make that kind of money?? Stephen: It's called "working" young man! Your grandfather was a coal miner for fifty years; he never complained! Get out there and start digging! Butters: Y-yes sir! [rushes out of the room] I-I gotta... mine some coal... really fast! Stephen: [to Linda] That should keep him busy for a while while we get this transaction finished. Now, Ms. Hilton, how should we start? [they both grin] Scene Description: Bebe's house, night. The living room is all decked out in disco furnishings. A disco ball hangs from the ceiling and harmless laser beams shoot here and there. The girls are enjoying themselves while the boys have mixed expressions. Millie: [stands next to the closet while a crowd of girls looks on] Okay, that's two minutes. You can come out, Clyde, Bab. [the door opens and Bab comes out grinning] How was he, Bab? Bab: [winks at Clyde] We had a great time, didn't we Clyde? Clyde: [walks out crying with his hands rubbing his butt] Aaaaah, owieeee, owieeee. [a knock is heard at the front door and Red goes to answer it.] Cartman: [dressed very casually, with hair slightly unkempt] Oh, hey, What's goin' on? I'm uh, here for the party. Red: [not fooled] Yeah? Who invited you? Cartman: Oh, uh-uh Kelly. Kelly invited me. Red: Kelly who? Cartman: Kelly Rutherfordmenskin. Red: [looks over her shoulder and calls out] Kelly Rutherfordmenskin? Kelly Rutherfordmenskin: [approaches the door] Yeah? Red: Did you invite him? Kelly Menskin: No! [goes back inside. Red closes the door on Cartman] Cartman: Oh wait, wait, wait, aah it wasn't her. That's right, I forgot, it was uh... Kelly Pinkertonstinfurter? Red: [turns around and calls out] Kelly Pinkertonstinfurter? Kelly Pinkertonstinfurter: [sharing a wading pool with Token and Heidi] What? [Red glares at Cartman] Cartman: [under his breath] Oh, Goddammit! Scene Description: Herbert Garrison's house, night. The doorbell rings and he goes to answer it. It's raining outside and thunderclaps roll soft and deep. Herbert Garrison: Oh, hello Wendy. Are you all right? Wendy: No, I need help. Herbert Garrison: F-from from me? Wendy: Actually, I was hoping to see your boyfriend. Herbert Garrison: Well sure, come on in. Mr. Slave is right over here. [the camera follows them over to Mr. Slave, who's dangling from the ceiling like a marionette. He's moaning in pleasure] Mr. Slave: Oooooooooooh! Oh Jesus, Jesus Christ! Herbert Garrison: Mr. Slave, little Wendy from class wants to see you. Mr. Slave: Oh, Hi Wendy. You need a little help with your math homework? Wendy: No, I need help becoming a dirty whore like you Herbert Garrison: ...Oh dear. Mr. Slave, I think you and Wendy better have a little talk. I'll make some cocoa. Scene Description: The sofa, moments later. Wendy and Mr. Slave sit side by side. Wendy: Mr. Slave, you're the most perverted, lewd, depraved slut I know. Mr. Slave: Thank you sweetie. Wendy: Can you teach me your secret fast? Mr. Slave: Honey, I didn't work to become a whore, I was born a whore. I've been one... ever since I can remember. [a shot of the toddler Slave crawling around on a bed] Ever since I was a little boy I seemed to enjoy... different things. Little Slave: Mommy, I think I have a fever. Can you take my temperature? [his mom approaches and sticks a thermometer up his butt] Oooo, Jesus Christ. [grins] Mr. Slave: As I got older, I felt that one boy was never enough. Boy slave: [sees a football practice and fakes a call] Hey, there's that queer kid. Let's tackle him! [holds out his arms and waits for the tackle] Kid: Hey yeah, tackle the queer kid! [the players gang up on him. He seems to love the punishment] We'll show you, queer! Boy slave: Oooooooooooh! Oooooooooooh! Jesus Christ! Mr. Slave: So you see, I can't make you into a whore, Wendy. But why would you want to be one anyway? Wendy: Because all the other girls are. They're having a huge sex party right now and I'm not invited. Mr. Slave: A what?! For God's sake, where?! Scene Description: Butters' house, outside. Butters is at the side of the house shoveling dirt from a mound. Butters: You work eighteen hours and what do you get? Parents sell ya to Paris Hilton. [a blue car pulls up alongside and stops] Man: Look at that. A bear, mining for coal. Woman: Huh, I never. [the car moves on. Butters' parents, Paris, and her driver approach him] Stephen: Well, Butters, how'd it go? Did you dig up two hundred million dollars' worth of coal? Butters: Well, no, not quite. Stephen: Oh, well, too bad. [shows off the check] Ms. Hilton did raise the money, so you'll be going off with her. Butters: [throws away his shovel] Ah, shucks! [moments later he follows Paris into the limo] Linda: Bye, sweetie, we love you! Scene Description: Inside the limo, Paris gets her camera and aims Paris: Smile Mr. Biggles! This time I have to get a picture of my new pet before anything happens. [snaps a picture] Butters: Before what happens? [gets no answer, so looks around and sees her "MY PETS" photo album. He picks it up and leafs through it] Scene Description: The shots are gruesome. First up is Tinkerbell, with the gun and blood splattered all over the place; then Patches, a French poodle that hung itself, shown dangling from the noose; then Scrambles, a cat that somehow managed to slit its front paws, lying in a bathtub full of water and blood; then Cuddles, a dog that committed harakiri. Butters: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah! [throws the book away, gets out of the limo as fast as he can and runs away.] Paris: [exits the limo] Mr. Biggles! Mr. Biggles, come back! [Butters' parents approach] You'd better help me find him! No Mr. Biggles, no money! [takes away the check] Chris: Oh that trouble making son of ours! Butters! Butters, you get back here or you are grounded, mister! Scene Description: Bebe's house, night. The party is still going strong. One Kelly, who had earlier been with Token, is chasing Kyle. Another Kelly chases Kevin. Red is coming on to Stan. Annie chases Kenny down and catches him. In general, the guys are being chased down by the girls. A girl with dark hair chases Craig, and is about to catch him. Annie talks to Kenny. Millie chases Tweek. Bebe chases Blue Cap. Mr. Slave kicks the front door open and enters with Wendy. Cartman appears behind then and enters. Mr. Slave: Oh Jesus! [turns on the light] Kids, kids! Annie: Ew, party foul! Red: Shut off the light. Stan: Oh, thank God. Mr. Slave: Girls, what on earth are you doing? Bebe: We're being stupid spoiled whores. [grins] Butters: [rushes in] H-help! You've gotta hide me! [opens the closet door and enters] Don't tell her I'm in here! [closes the door] Bebe: What did you do, Wendy?! Go rat on us because you're not invited to our Paris Hilton party?! Mr. Slave: Okay, I think this has all gone far enough! Now look, the last person you want to be like is Paris Hilton! Paris: [approaches the house and enters] Mr. Biggles! Mr. Slave: [unaware] Paris Hilton is a nobody! She may have money, but she's a thoughtless, talentless lowlife! Paris: Who the fuck are you calling a lowlife?! Bebe: Wow, Paris Hilton is at my party! I rule! Butters: [bolts out of the closet] HAAAAH! [Bab looks out from the closet, grinning] Mr. Slave: Hon, will you just tell these girls that being a whore isn't such a great thing. Paris: What isn't great about it? What's more to life than partying? Mr. Slave: Look girls, I've partied a lot. Okay? And I'm telling you, there's more to life. Paris: You don't even know what partying is, loser. [brushes him off] Mr. Slave: Sweetie, really, don't go there, okay? Paris: Oh I went there. I went there, took some pictures, and flew back already. Girls: Ooooo! Annie: Wow, what a bitch. [smiles] Mr. Slave: Sweetie, listen, I know you've done some "partying" in your private little rich life, but you don't even wanna know the kind of stuff I've done. I'm the real whore, and I'm telling you, it isn't great. Paris: Oh yeah?! I challenge you to a whore-off! Girls: Ooooo! Men: [popping up out of nowhere] Whore-off! Whore-off! Scene Description: South Park's Whore-off. A gazebo is set up for the event in South Park Square. A crowd gathers. Official: Ah, testing? Hello? [taps the mic a few times] Okay uh, welcome everyone. Uh, the South Park Chamber of Commerce is pleased to bring you the first annual "Who Is The Biggest Whore" showdown. [the crowd cheers] Bebe: Mr. Slave has no idea what he's in for. Red: Paris is gonna rock his world. Official: Ah, I'm... not quite sure how we... start this competition off, but uh- Paris: [gets off her chair and walks over to the mic] I'll show ya how we start it off. [the music starts and she kisses him hard and grabbing his crotch] Crowd: Ohhh! [the girls are grinning, Wendy looks at the girls' reactions. Paris then has five men on stage with her, and one of them is licking her leg. Mr. Slave simply observes] Wendy: [approaches Stan and friends, and Mr. Garrison] What is Mr. Slave doing? He-he's just sitting there. Herbert Garrison: Give him time, Wendy. Give him time. [cheers him on softly] Come on, Mr. Slave. Paris: [throws the men off] Back off! None of you losers are enough for me! [whips out a pineapple from behind her back and stuffs it up her vagina] Eeeaaagh. Oh yeah. Aaaargh. [some gasps] Tada! [the crowd cheers and fireworks go off] Randy: Oh, no she di'int. [the crowd continues cheering] Scene Description: Mr. Slave makes his move: he gets off his chair and walks over to Paris, then moves her around till he's satisfied she's where he wants her to be. The crowd falls silent and Mr. Slave walks back to his chair. Mr. Slave: [dusts himself off and coughs] Jesus. [takes off his pants and takes a running leap towards Paris. He lands on her head and proceeds to swallow her up through his ass, with each swallow accompanied by a grunt. The first swallow takes her head; the second, her chest; the third, her abdomen and lower back; and the fourth takes the rest of her body.] Ohoho, Jesus. [the girls are stunned at what they just saw. The adults, the boys, and Wendy all cheer] Herbert Garrison: Now, that's a whore! [Stan and friends are still stunned. Mr. Slave goes back to his chair and puts on his pants] Bebe: Wow, I guess Paris isn't such hot shit after all. Mr. Slave: People, don't applaud me. I'm a dirty whore. [the crowd falls silent] Being spoiled and stupid and whorish is supposed to be a bad thing, remember? Parents, if you don't teach your children that people like Paris Hilton are supposed to be despised, where are they gonna learn it?! You have to be the- [feels something in his stomach] ooohooho, Jesus Christ. You have to be the ones to make sure your daughters aren't looking up to the wrong people. Mr. Stevens: The homosexual is right. From now on, Bebe, you're going to dress like a little girl. [the crowd disperses and the girls walk up to Wendy] Bebe: Wendy, we're sorry we called you names. Like not-stupid and not-spoiled. Red: Yeah, and I didn't mean to say you weren't a whore. Wendy: That's okay, you guys. [Butters and his family are shown next] Stephen: So-so that's it? No two hundred million dollars? Well, Butters, I hope you're happy! Butters: [turns right and walks away] I'm a bad bear. I'm a very bad old bear. Stephen: You're a grounded old bear. Scene Description: Deep within Mr. Slave's intestine, Paris is trying to claw her way out. Paris: Oh my God, it's so gross! Let me out of here! [a light comes on in front of her - it's the Frog King] What the fuck is that? Frog King: Paris, you must find the way out of this place or you'll surely die. Paris: What? Frog King: Make your way to the small intestine. There you will meet the Sparrow Prince, who can guide you to Catatafish. Now go, Paris Hilton. Make haste! [disappears] Singers: [End of Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset. Some singers sing the following song as Paris begins her journey] A great adventure is waiting for you ahead. Hurry onward Paris Hilton or you will soon be dead. The road ahead is filled with danger and fright But push onward, Paris Hilton, with all of your might. Paris Hilton... Paris Hilton, Paris Hilton Paris Hilton... Paris Hilton, Paris Hilton Paris Hilton... Paris Hilton, Paris Hilton Stupid whore!

Scene Description: Cartman's yard, side of the house, day. The fourth grade boys are gathered there for some reason. Clyde: I don't know, that looks pretty high up. Butters: Yeah. I think it'd be better to start lower. Stan: Dude, I really don't think it's smart, Cartman. [Cartman is shown at the edge of the roof wearing wings made from cardboard] Cartman: This is gonna be totally cool, you guys. Stan: It's not gonna work; just come down from there. Cartman: [assessing the situation] ...Jeez, this looks a lot higher from up here. Kyle: [arrives in time to see Cartman's attempt] What's going on? Stan: Cartman thinks he can fly off of his roof. [Kyle looks up to see what the others see. Cartman looks down] Kyle: Do it! Do it! Cartman: I'm gonna! Craig: I wouldn't if I were you. Token: Those wings don't look very strong. Kyle: Don't listen to 'em, Cartman! I'm sure it'll work. Go for it. Yaaay, Cartman! Fly, fly, fly! Cartman: Okay, here we go. [steps forward and gets ready to launch himself] Since the days of Copernicus, man has dreamed of flight. On this historic day, let us go on to- Kyle: Awww, go on and do it already! Cartman: Hold on, I'm givin' my speech! On this historic day, we remember the Wright Brothers: Orville and Redenbacher, whose dreams and visions inspired generations. Stan: [to Kenny] He's not gonna do it. Cartman: And now, again, one man's vision ushers in a new era of aerial travel, proving the power of imagination and intellect. The magic... of flight! [he flaps his cardboard wings a few times to get some lift, then jumps off the roof. He heads straight for the ground and lands on his face with a grunt. All the boys are shocked and stand there frozen for several seconds. Stan is the first to leave, then Kyle, then the rest of them. Only Butters remains, and he turns to watch the others leave. After a few seconds of uncertainty, he leaves too.] Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Cartman is in a recovery room with bruises on his face and a black left eye. The medical staff attends him. Outside, Ms. Cartman appears and rushes in to see Cartman. Liane: Oh my God! Eric! Eric, [caresses him] Mommy's here. Sweetie? [notices Dr. Doctor] Oh, what's wrong with him? Dr. Doctor: I'm afraid that your son is... incredibly stupid. He thought he could fly with cardboard wings. The stupidity is so severe that it caused a fall, which has... put him into a deep coma. Liane: Coma... My God, fo- for how long? Dr. Doctor: There's no telling. He may never recover. We'll just have to wait. And see. [the camera looks at Cartman, then pans up and fades out] Scene Description: Hell's Pass, some time later. The camera pans down back onto Cartman, who is now covered in facial hair and a bandage around his head. Singers: Seasons change, time passes by. As the weeks become the months become the years. Cartman: Eugh... [sits up, his eyes still closed.] Liane: [stands up and drops her book] Oh my- Doctor! [Cartman blinks] He's awake! [the doctor and nurse return] Cartman: Wheh? Where am I? Liane: Oh, you've finally come back! It's a miracle! Dr. Doctor: You're at the hospital, Eric. You've been in a coma for some time. Cartman: Coma... How long? Dr. Doctor: It's been two... days. Nurse, you can remove his face-warmer now. Nurse: Yes, Doctor. [tugs at the facial hair and it comes off.] Dr. Doctor: Now, Eric, you've suffered massive head trauma. Your road to recovery will be long and arduous. At least another two days. [a shot of the hospital's exterior, then back to the recovery room, where Liane is giving Cartman a glass of chocolate milk] Singers: Seasons change, time passes by. As the weeks become the months become the years. Liane: You're doing so much better, muffin. Cartman: Why the hell do I have to share my room with other patients?! This is bullcrap! Liane: Oh, you're sounding just like your old self again. Dr. Doctor: [at another patient's bed] I'm sorry, detectives, there was nothing we could do. Yates: Damnit! Another murder victim! For three years the Left-Hand killer has been at large and I've exhausted every lead! Maybe... I just don't have what it takes to be a cop anymore. Murphy: We'd better get back to the station, sir. Cartman: Good, because you assholes have kept me up for three hours! Yates: All right, let's go, Murphy. Hang on a second, where are, where are my car keys? Cartman: Probably in your front pocket, dumbass! Yates: [fishes around in the front shirt pocket and is surprised to find them there, then turns to the doctor] Doctor, didn't you say that kid suffered head trauma? Dr. Doctor: Yes, it was pretty severe. Murphy: What is it, Lou? Yates: I've... heard cases where people suffering head trauma awaken to some psychic abilities. Murphy: Aw, come on, sir. Yates: I know it's ridiculous, [turns right and walks off] but I'm gonna explore every possibility I can! [Murphy follows. They arrive at Cartman's bed] Hello, young man, could we have a quick word with you? Cartman: Not now! The nurse is gonna walk in any minute with my lunch. Nurse 2: Twelve-thirty, Eric. Lunch time. [the officers are amazed at how timely the nurse came with the lunch] Yates: Young man, how did you know the nurse was gonna walk in just now? Cartman: I don't know, I just knew it. [receives the tray from the nurse and sniffs] Aww man, this smells like meatloaf. Again?! Nurse 2: Yep, meatloaf again. [the officers get a little frightened] Murphy: Jesus, how did he...? Yates: Little boy... [whispers to himself] Well it's a snowball's chance in hell but... [back to Cartman] we were wondering if you could come down and see if your... new powers could help us catch the killer. Liane: His new... powers? Scene Description: Stark's Pond, newly restored from the demolished Wall Mart, much bigger than it was before, night. A crime scene at the docks is shown, complete with boat floating around. Female Detective: All right, make sure you get pictures of everything in this crime scene. [one officer takes pictures, another handles evidence gingerly. Nearby, a police tape is lifted so Cartman could check out the scene] Officer 1: Who's the kid? Officer 2: He's supposed to be some kind of psychic. Officer 1: Aw, Christ! Yates: [with Murphy, Liane, and Cartman] This is... where the body was found. [overhead shot] Multiple stab wounds, just like all the others. Cartman: How come the outline is missing its hand? Murphy: The killer always cuts off the left hand of his victim, and keeps it as a trophy. [Cartman walks around the outline, inspecting it.] Yates: Stand back, give him room! [moves to hold the crowd back] Come on, kid, concentrate! What do you see in your mind? Scene Description: Cartman begins to concentrate and his eyes begin to twitch. First he sees a cupcake with chocolate topping and sprinkles, then powdered doughnuts, then a cup of vanilla ice cream - with sprinkles being added. Cartman: Ice cream. Covered with... chocolate sprinkles... [he sees a hand holding Double-Stuff Oreo] Double-Stuff Oreos... [a second hand comes up and twists off the lower cookie] He ... He's taking the top of one and... [squeezes his eyes closed and sees another Oreo attached to the first one so there are two fillings between the cookies] ...and he puts it together to make Quadruple-Stuffs! [the detective writes down what Cartman is seeing] I see...ice cream, and sprinkles, and Quadruple-Stuffs! Yates: Jesus Christ! Murphy: Sir? Yates: Tom Johansen, the owner of the ice cream shop! Scene Description: Tom Johansen's house, night. The detectives ring his doorbell and he answers. Tom Johansen: Yes? Oh, hello, detectives. Yates: Mr. Johansen, could we have a quick word with you? Tom Johansen: Sure, come on in! [he backs up and leads them in. The lead detectives calls in some officers hidden nearby, and they come in] I'm afraid the house is a little bit of a disaster area since I have- Yates: Get him! [the officers tackle Tom Johansen and beat him harshly with their batons] Code 6! Code 6! Officer 3: Use the taser! Use the taser! [another officer fires a taser into Tom Johansen, who then convulses and falls to the floor] Officer 4: Do it again! [the officer shocks Tom Johansen again, causing more convulsions] Scene Description: Tom Johansen's house outside, front. Police cars and vans have gathered outside and the siren lights are still rotating. Officer 3: He put up a hell of a fight, but we got him! Tom Johansen: Why?! Why?! [the officers haul him away] Yates: Congratulations, Eric. You just stopped the biggest killer in South Park history. Murphy: We would give you a reward, but I guess that knowing the people of South Park are safe again is reward enough. Cartman: Guess again. Murphy: [walks over and hands him some money] All right, here's a hundred dollars. Cartman: Wow! Yates: [to Liane] His powers are uncanny. Take good care of him, Ms. Cartman. Make sure he uses his powers... for good. Liane: Oh, he will. My little poopsiekins is a very good little boy. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The school bell rings. Cartman runs down the hall. Cartman: I'm a psychic and you are worse. I have super-awesome powers and you don't. Kyle: [walks up. Other kids gather behind him] Cartman, what did you do?! Cartman: Oh, didn't you hear, Kyle? I used my new psychic abilities to catch the serial killer. And I made a hundred bucks! [shows off the money] Kyle: Nice old Mr. Johansen runs a candy shop! He wasn't a killer and you know it! Cartman: Then why did I see ice cream and cookies when I closed my eyes? Kyle: Because you're a fucking fatass, that's why! Cartman: Do not doubt my powers, Kyle! Kyle: You don't have any powers! Cartman: Don't make me do it, Kyle! I can make your head explode with a single thought! Butters: Wuh be careful, Kyle. Kyle: He can't do crap! Cartman: Fine, Kyle! You asked for it! Hee-at! [closes his eyes and starts making sound effects and hand motions. The boys behind Kyle except Stan and Kenny scatter, and the detectives spot him as they enter the school.] Yates: There he is! Hey, Eric! Eric! [they approach him, he turns around] We've got a little problem. Cartman: What? Yates: While the ice-cream store owner was in jail, another murder was committed. Murphy: This body also had a missing hand and a bowl of corn flakes next to it! Yates: Which can only mean one thing! Kyle: Ha! You see?! Yates: That a copycat killer is on the loose! We need your psychic abilities to catch this new guy right away! Kyle: What?! Murphy: We'll pay you up front this time! We've gotta catch this new guy before he kills again. Cartman: I'm afraid that my powers... are not for sale. ...And by that I mean they absolutely are for sale. Let's go! Scene Description: Field report. Chris Swollenballs: Tom, I'm standing in a meadow just outside of town, where police have discovered the first victim of the serial copycat killer. Child wunderkind Eric Cartman is now arriving on the scene. [Cartman approaches the body, which is covered with a red blanket] Scene Description: The crime scene. Kyle: This is fuckin' ridiculous! Lou: Whattaya got, wunderkind? Are ya seeing anything? Cartman: No. Nothing. Officer 5: Maybe his powers have left him. Officer 6: Yeah. Cartman: Wait a minute. [his right arm twitches and he sees a bucket of chicken, then sees some chicken served next to the powdered doughnuts he saw earlier. His eyes are squeezed tight.] Fried chicken! It's tender and it's fresh! [sees some syrup poured onto the chicken] There's maple syrup... Maple syrup's being put on the chicken! Kyle: What the hell is wrong with these people?! Michael Deets: [in robe and cap] They're never gonna catch the serial killer. He's too smart. Do you want to see my cotton panties? [whips open his robe to reveal himself dressed in a yellow bikini. The boys look on, a little afraid] Kyle: Hey! What about this guy?! Murphy: Quiet! He's havin' a vision! Cartman: It is fried chicken! [first he sees a plate of fried chicken, then the maple syrup, then some whipped cream, then some chocolate syrup, then a cherry on top...] Oh my God. It's a fried chicken sundae. Weird Man: [brings out a mannequin torso and head and strikes up a conversation with it] "Junior, what are you doing out?" I'm sorry, Mother. "You come home right now and have sex with me!" No, Mommy! [goes away] Kyle: Hey, uh, does anyone know who that guy is?! Lou: I said quiet, you little brat, or I'll have you arrested for interfering with the law! Scene Description: The News 4 logo and screen come up on a TV. Announcer: This is Park County News 4, with your host, Jim Brown-ish Jim Brown-ish: The copycat killer of the cut-off-the-left-hand killer has been arrested. Police used the help of Eric Cartman, a wunderkind psychic detective. At the crime scene, the young psychic had visions flash before his mind, and the police immediately arrested the owner of Kentucky Fried Chicken. The young man's visions were so astounding that other police departments have sought out his help. Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. He's in his room counting the money he's made from his psychic work. Cartman: If I'm happy and I know it, clap my hands. If I'm happy and I know it, clap my hands. [someone knocks on his door, then the door opens] Liane: Eric, sweetie, there's um, some people here to see you. Cartman: More people need to make use of my phenomenal gifts, huh? Ahhh, it's so very tiring. Liane: Ah, no, these people claim that they are the "real" psychic detectives. [Cartman stops counting money and freezes] Scene Description: Living room, moments later. Liane and Cartman enter. Female psychic: So, you are the little boy who's been taking all our work?! Liane: Oooh, I'll go make some tea. Male Psychic 1: Kid, we have a problem. You didn't go through the proper channels to become a psychic detective like we all did. Other psychics: Yeah! Cartman: Proper channels? Male Psychic 2: You were supposed to fill out the form on the back of the comic book and pay the twenty five dollar fee for the degree from the Psychic Detective School. [shows the ad in question. Looks nice] Cartman: I was given my gift from a tragic accident. I didn't need to go to Psychic Detective School. Male Psychic 1: Well you just can't say you're a psychic detective, you have to use the ad in the comic book! Female psychic: You must pay the twenty five dollar fee and give us ten percent of your earnings! Cartman: [laughs at them] Ten percent, my balls, get lost! Female psychic: Very well, then you give us no choice. Roger? Scene Description: Roger steps out from behind the sofa and prepares to battle Cartman psychically. Cartman simply observes, then responds. He and Roger "battle" with sound effects and hand gestures. Female psychic: All right, everyone! [the rest of the psychics join in the battle against Cartman. Liane returns with the tea.] Liane: Oh, goodness! What's going on? Cartman: Stand back, mother! We're having a telekinetic battle of minds! Liane: O-o-o-o-oh! [prostrates herself] Female psychic: Enough! [one male psychic is slow to respond] We are ...obviously quite evenly matched. I guess this will have to be settled in court. Cartman: In court? Female psychic: We brought a class-action lawsuit against you! We'll see you before the judge tomorrow! [the psychics turn and walk out] Liane: Is it over? [the front door closes after the last psychic leaves] Scene Description: A camera shutter is heard and a picture of Ms. Crabtree appears, with blood next to her left cheek. Her left hand is missing. A detective continues taking pictures. Murphy: [reading from a fact sheet] Her name is... Veronica Crabtree, bus driver for the elementary school. She was considered an ancillary character, one the fans wouldn't miss much. Yates: Jesus Christ! Cause of death? Murphy: Same M.O., sir. Multiple stab wounds, left hand cut off and missing. Yates: So you're telling me somebody new is now copying the crimes of the copycat killer?! Jesus! Where will it end?! [goes to a nearby tree to think] Every time I put a killer behind bars, another guy just steps in and takes his place! What am I doing wrong?! Kyle: [arriving with Stan and Kenny] Excuse me, sir? I think I know who did this. We saw this guy at the last crime scene, and, and you know how serial killers sometimes return to the scene of the crime? Well, I followed this guy to his house, and when he left again, I collected some fingerprints and did a blood-sample analysis. [holds out his findings] I'm pretty sure he's your man. Lou: [coolly] How do you know?! Are you psychic?! Kyle: No. Lou: Look, kid, don't waste my time with your blood-sampling fingerprinty hocus-pocus! I have to find this new killer now! I owe it to that victim over there! I know she hadn't been in any recent episodes, but dammit she deserved better than this! Come on, Murph, we've gotta talk to Eric Cartman again! [leaves with Murphy] Kyle: Why won't anybody listen to me?! Kenny: [pats Kyle on the shoulder] (Don't take it personally, Kyle.) Kyle: [shrugs Kenny off] I am taking it personally because Cartman is a retard! Just because he hit his head and went into a coma doesn't mean he's a- Wait, that's it. If I want people to listen to me, I just have to be as stupid as Cartman. Scene Description: Kyle's house, later. Kyle is standing at the edge of the roof at the side of his house, sporting his own cardboard wings. Stan: Dude, I really don't think that's a good idea! Token: There has to be another way! Kyle: Be sure to take me to the same hospital! Butters: Now Kyle, don't fly too close to the sun, or it'll burn your wings, an- and you'll crash into the ocean. Stan: [under his breath] Butters, Goddammit. Kyle: All right, here we go. [spreads his wings] Since the days of Copernicus, man has dreamed of flight. On this historic day we remem- aw, screw it! [jumps off and lands on the ground below] Stan: [a few moments later, sighs] Call an ambulance. Scene Description: Channel 4 News. A picture of handcuffs is shown, with "ARRESTS MADE" above it. Jim Brown-ish: Multiple arrests were made today for the murder of Hillary Neals. Police raided the South Park Motel 6 at 4 a.m., where seven psychic detectives were staying. [footage of the arrests is shown. Two of them are beaten, a third is slammed against a squad car until the side of her head begins to bleed, and a fourth holds police at bay. He tries to fight them with his powers, but they simply open fire and kill him where he stands] The psychic detectives' horrible crime was found out by psychic detective Eric Cartman, [shown in dramatic pose with psychic waves emanating from his forehead] who is now the only psychic not behind bars. What an amazing coincidence. Scene Description: Cartman watches the news from the sofa in the living room at his house. Cartman: Cool. [the doorbell rings and Cartman concentrates] Ah, Kyle is at the door. Come in, Kyle! [the door opens and the weird man from the crime scenes enters and approaches Cartman] Who are you? Michael Deets: You. You give everyone else credit for my work, because you fail to see my greatness. Cartman: ... 'Kay. Sweet. Michael Deets: Because of you, nobody knows the extent of my deeds. Cartman: Oh yeah. Awesome. Hold on, just a second. [hops off the sofa, walks away a bit, and calls out] Mom, there's some homeless guy here. Make him go away. [the weird man quickly advances and smothers Cartman's face with a cloth, making Cartman inhale chloroform. Cartman passes out.] Scene Description: Next scene is an unknown place. Cartman is strapped down to a wheelchair. He awakens and struggles a bit. Cartman: Hey. Hey, what's goin' on?! Michael Deets: You are obviously a big fan of my work. Cartman: I don't even know you dude! Michael Deets: But I am the serial killer! The one whose rightful place in history you have smirched! Cartman: Oh, Jesus. Michael Deets: And now you will have a place of honor, as my nineteenth victim. Cartman: No! No, you don't wanna kill me. Please, I'll give you anything you want! Michael Deets: Before you die, let me show you the things that I've done, so you will understand the breadth of my transformation! [starts up a slideshow projector] This... is me at the grand canyon. [shows a shot of him there] Do you see? This is me at Mount Rushmore [the next picture is shown, with him looking lovingly at the faces there] Do you see? Cartman: [nervously] Heheh. Michael Deets: Do you see?! Cartman: Yes yes, I see! [another Mount Rushmore picture is shown, with the man looking at the camera this time] Michael Deets: Here I am at the Alamo in San Antonio. [this time he looks psychotic, with his hands ready to grab something] This was just outside of the gift shop. Do you see?! Cartman: AAAAAAAH! Scene Description: Park County Police Station, night. Yates: [hangs up the phone] Dammit! Dammit all to hell! They just found another body! That means a fifth copycat killer is on the loose! Where's my psychic?! Female Detective: Sorry, Sarge, the psychic's mom says her son hasn't been home for a couple of hours. Officer 7: Sir! Dr. Kels just called from the hospital! He says another little boy just awoke from a coma, and is having psychic visions! Yates: [grabs his hat] Let's go! [other officers follow] Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, later. Dr. Doctor leads them into the recovery room. Dr. Doctor: This is the young man here. He was in a coma for over sixteen hours. [a shot of Kyle with a bandage around his head. He too has a face warmer on, but no black eye like Cartman had] Yates: Doctor, could you remove his face warmer? We'd like to speak with him. Dr. Doctor: Of course. Nurse? [a brunette approaches and removes the warmer. Sgt. Lou and Det. Murphy approach the bed] Yates: Young man, the doctor said you've had some... visions about our newest murder? Kyle: I see... a man... with a baseball cap. [Sgt. Lou snaps his fingers and Det. Murphy whips out a notepad and pen and starts taking notes. Kyle concentrates] He's killing now... Oh! I'm seeing it all flash before my eyes! The guy's name is Michael Deets, and he lives at 621 Castillo Street. He's usually there between seven and eleven p.m. Yates: What do you think, Mitch? Murphy: I don't know. How do we know this kid is really psychic? I mean, this boy is certainly no Eric Cartman. [Kyle clenches his teeth in rage] Yates: All right, we'll check this Deets guy out. But let's use that one thing that we never use. Murphy: ...Sir? Yates: You know, what's that one thing that starts with an R that we never use? Murphy: ...Restraint? Yates: Yeah, yeah, restraint. We'll check this guy out, but let's use some restraint. [they leave] Scene Description: Michael Deets' basement. He's still showing Cartman his slides. Michael Deets: Look! Look at the things I've done! Here I am at Yellowstone National Park! [shows off the picture] Do you see?! Here are pictures of my trip to Cheyenne for Frontier Days. Do you see?! Cartman: Oh, God! I'm so bored! Somebody help me! [the doorbell is heard. The two detectives are outside, Yates ringing the doorbell. Michael Deets opens the door] Yates: Good evening, sir. We're Park County detectives. We were just wondering if we could take a quick look around your house, Misterrr... Michael Deets: God. Yates: Well, Mr. God, it won't take but a second; it might help us with an investigation. [he shows them in. The house is dark, with stacks of paper everywhere. Pictures of his victims line the walls. Downstairs, Cartman tries to get attention.] Cartman: (Hey! Come over here!) Yates: I see you like cutting the eyes out of photos of women. My son is a big fan of that, too. Murphy: Sarge! In here! [Lou runs into the next room. They both face a wall of left hands nailed in place] Yates: Jesus H... That boy was right! Arrest that guy! [Murphy gets right on it. Yates thinks about the hands] Whoa-whoa-wait-wait-hey-wait-wait-yo! Oh, wait a minute, no ah, I'm wrong. Murphy: Sir? Yates: This isn't the guy. The serial killer always cuts off the victims' left hands. Murphy: Right. Yates: Well those aren't left hands. [holds up his own left hand, palm in] See, on your left hand, the thumb faces to the left. Those are all right hands. Murphy: Ohhh. [they return to the living room] Yates: Nope, this isn't our man. [they turn to leave the house and see Michael Deets in the shadows] We're sorry, Mr. God. It appears we've wasted your time. [they head out] Cartman: [in the basement] (Hey! Help!) [upstairs, Mr. Deets closes the front door] Murphy: Heh, pretty amazing coincidence that guy had a bunch of hands on his wall. Heh, no wonder that boy thought he was a killer. Yates: [stops and thinks] Yeah... Amazing coincidence... Murphy: [backs up] Heh- sir? Yates: Call it police intuition, but somethin' in there just didn't feel right. [thinks for several seconds] Wait a minute. Murphy: Sarge... [Lou slowly raises his hand palm in and analyzes it. Then he turns his hand over slowly until the palm is out and is jolted with recognition] What is it? Yates: I'm not sure. I'm gonna have to run some tests. [runs off to do just that] Scene Description: Park County Police Station, night. Montage. Yates types away at his computer, then analyzes his left hand again, then returns to the keyboard. He then goes to the lab and looks over his notes. Next to him are two hands, one right and one left. He rotates the right hand so both thumbs point to the left, from his POV, then takes more notes. He develops some pictures in the darkroom and finds matching hands. He works with a 3D model drawing with another computer, then traces his left hand on a wall and takes measurements. He returns to the lab and works with some chemicals. Next he chops some firewood into smaller chunks. Next he's at a gym jumping rope. Next he's at a beach far from South Park playing volleyball with some women. Next he's repairing the body of a car with a welding torch... Yates: [back at the station, looks in on Murphy] Murphy, do you remember what I was supposed to be doing? Murphy: Oh. Uhhh... Oh. Something about hands, sir? Uh, for the serial killer? Yates: [snaps his fingers] Oh right! The hands! Right! [the montage resumes] Scene Description: Again he goes to his computer and types away then he's back at the lab taking pictures of the two fake hands there, then makes silhouettes of a dog, then models another hand in the computer and gets a match. Yates: Oh my God. Murphy! [Murphy appears quickly.] You're not gonna believe this. Scene Description: Michael Deets house, basement. Michael Deets has resumed showing his pictures to Cartman. A picture of him at Ocean World's Splash Zone is shown, then a blank. He turns the projector off. Michael Deets: That's it, no more pictures. [walks in front of Cartman and faces him, then pulls out a sharp knife] Time to die. Cartman: No, please! I'm sorry I gave other people credit for your killings. Ahah, it was, it was very wrong for me to lie about the other psychics and get them arrested. Michael Deets: Your hand will be one with the others. Cartman: Please just let me go! Ah, I'm gonna tell everyone I'm not really psychic! I've learned my lesson! Please, I don't wanna- [spots the detectives descend the stairs and approach the room] I don't wanna have to use my psychic mind missile on you! [begins to concentrate and make noises] Yates: Hold it right there, killer! [Michael Deets turns and rushes at them with the knife. Yates fires three shots into him, killing him. The detectives advance, and Yates fires a forth shot into the body, looks around, and fires a fifth shot, getting blood splattered on himself] Cartman: You got here just in time. He was gonna kill me because he was insanely jealous of my incredible psychic ability. Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day. The detectives, the psychics, Mr. Johansen, Dr. Docter, Cartman, Stan, and Kenny are present. Yates: Well young man, you did an amazing thing. Not only did your psychic visions help us catch the killer, but a lot of innocent people are out of jail. Tom Johansen: Yes, thank you very much, Kyle. Female psychic: Yes, thanks. Murphy: You're certainly a better psychic then Eric. Kyle: No, don't you see? Cartman never had psychic visions. And neither do these people. The plain simple truth is that nobody is psychic. There's a logical explanation for every psychic story you've ever heard. Murphy: Do you think that's true? Yates: It must be true. The kid is psychic. [thinks a moment] But I don't suppose it really matters much. Because in the end, the way I caught the killer was with... good old-fashioned police work. Come on, Murphy. [they leave the room and then the hospital] Female psychic: [addressing Cartman] Well young man, I guess that just leaves one score to settle. Cartman: You can't hurt me. Male psychic: Then let this be our final battle! [the psychics face Cartman once again and battle him with their power. Nothing happens, but there's a lot of noise.] Kyle: [irritated] Just stop it! [at the top of his lungs] Stoop iiit!! [the lights go out as the bulbs shatter, then the shelf above his bed falls and everything on it hits the floor. The psychics and Cartman stop their battle and witness all this] There's a logical explanation for that.

Scene Description: A panoramic view of South Park, day. Holiday music is heard in the background, and the scenes are played out as the narrator mentions them. Narrator: Way up in the mountains in a small little town, The Main Street was being decorated all up and down. People stood in long lines, sometimes waiting hours or more, Because Christmas needs to be bought in a store. But out in the forest, not too far away... Scene Description: A nearby forest. The camera pans down from the sky and rest upon a Christmas tree. Forest animals gather round and decorate it. Narrator: ...The little woodland critters were also preparing for their Christmas Day. Woodland Critters: It's almost time when the time is here, The time that's only once a year. We can hardly wait, 'cause it's so near. A Woodland Critter Christmas! Narrator: The little critters worked hard as they happily sang, And each one of them had a quite interesting name. There was Squirrely the squirrel, Rabbity the rabbit, Beavery the beaver, and Beary the bear. Porcupiney the porcupine, Skunky the skunk, Foxy the fox, and Deery the deer. Woodpeckery the woodpecker, Mousey the mouse, and Chickadee-y the chickadee, all made the forest their house. And on that magical day, stumbling upon all of that, was a surprised little boy, in a red poofball hat. Stan: [walks by with a sled] What the hell? Singer: Christmastime is once a year Every critter holds it dear Every animal big or small Christmas means so much to us all Scene Description: The forest. The critters approach Stan. Rabbity: Well, hello there. Welcome to our forest. Skunky: How do you like our Christmas tree? Stan: It's... nice. Beavery: Why, it's the most perfect tree in the forest! [the others cheer] Mousey: Oh no, I see a problem. Deery: What is it, Mousey? Mousey: Our Christmas tree doesn't have a star! Critters: Awww. Beary: We can't have a tree with no star on it. Rabbity: What are we gonna do? Squirrely: Now don't be down, y'all. Maybe our new friend can help us find a star. Critters: [among other things] Can you really? Oh would you please? Could you help us? Stan: Okay, okay. Critters: [cheering] Yay! Narrator: And so, using some paper and working with glee, the boy in the red poofball hat made a star for the tree. Critters: Ohhhh! Beary: It's the nicest star I ever saw. Narrator: The little critters cheered and Beavery said with a smile... Beavery: How would you like to sing and dance with us for a while? Narrator: The boy in the red poofball hat smiled and said... Stan: [doesn't smile] Uh, no thanks, I'm gonna go home. [turns around, picks up the reins on his sled and walks off] Beavery: Goo- goodbye Stanny! Critters: Goodbye, Stanny! Bye! Cya! I'll buy your hat! Stan: Woof. Scene Description: Stan's bedroom, night. He's asleep in bed, but wakes up, turns over, and turns on his light. Critters: Hi, Stanny! Stan: Oh, whatta? [squeezes his eyelids shut] Narrator: His friends were all there! What a wonderful surprise! The little boy smiled with joy in his eyes! Stan: [irritated, grabs his clock] What time is it?! Squirrely: You aren't gonna believe what happened, Stanny. It's the most magical Christmas gift ever! Skunky: Porcupiney is pregnant! Stan: [sighs] You guys, I have to go to school tomorrow. Mousey: I deduce the man-boy doesn't understand the seriousness of the fertilization. Deery: Porcupiney is a virgin, Stanny. Her conception was immaculate. Foxy: She's gonna give birth to our Lord and Savior. Stan: ...What? Porcupiney: It has been foretold unto me that I would give birth on Christmas Day. Mousey: So soon! Skunky: How delightful! Woodpeckery: Our souls are saved! Chickadee-y: Finally the critters are gonna have a Savior of their very own, of their very own! [they all cheer] Squirrely: [hops onto Stan's bed] There's just one problem: We don't have a manger for our Savior to be born in. Critters: Awwww. Beary: But we got to have a manger. Rabbity: Can you do it, Stan. Can you build us a manger? Huh? Critters: (Cheers) Narrator: "Of course I'll build you a little manger!" the little boy cried, and he winked at his critter friends and leapt to their side! Scene Description: The forest. Stan has built the manger and is hammering the last few nails in place. Narrator: And out in the woods the boy steamed right ahead, making a place for the critter babe to lay its sweet head. Rabbity: Gee whiz, if it isn't the nicest manger I ever saw. Mousey: I deduce it shall serve as a perfectly suitable resting place, for the Son of our Lord. Raccoony: Does this mean we can go to sleep now? Porcupiney: My son will have the nicest bed in all the forest. Woodpeckery: Fit for a king! Squirrely: This is going to be the best critter Christmas ever! Woodland Critters: It's almost time when the time is here, The time that's only once a year. We can hardly wait, 'cause it's so near - Stan: [as they sing] All right, I'm going now. [He ambles off. A roar is heard nearby. All stop and look. The critters scream.] Critters: The mountain lion! Hide! [They scatter, leaving Stan to face the lion alone. The lion peers out from behind a tree.] Stan: Go away! Shoo! [The lion moves off and the critters return.] Squirrely: Is it gone? Mousey: I deduce it is. Skunky: [behind a low tree] I'm not c-c-comin' out. Foxy: Well, this is the end. The mountain lion obviously knows Porcupiney is pregnant, and he's gonna kill it again. Stan: Again? Squirrely: Every Christmas the mountain lion comes down and eats the virgin critter impregnated with the Son of our Lord. Porcupiney: Oh dear, I'm so very afraid. Beavery: [climbs onto a stump and sits up] Let's face it. The mountain lion will never let our Savior be born. Critters: Awwww! [some of them sob] Squirrely: Hey, we shouldn't be upset this Christmas. We've got Stanny! Raccoony: Of course! Stanny can do anything! If he can build a manger, he can stop that mean ol' mountain lion! Porcupiney: Christmas is saved! [the critters cheer] Scene Description: The camera looks up from the woods to a mountain in the distance. Dramatic music plays. Narrator: High up in the forest on a dark, craggy peak, the horrid mountain lion and preyed on the weak. For the critters to be saved, someone had to stop that nasty old cat... Stan: Goddammit, this is fucking ridiculous! Narrator: Said the little boy in the red poofball hat. Narrator: Killing a mountain lion was no easy task, But he thought of a plan, and he thought of it fast. Stan: [gesturing] Grrr! Grrr! Come on out! [The lion is heard roaring from inside the cave, and it roars. It approaches the entrance.] Come on, critter killer! Your days of slaughtering innocent little animals are over! Rawrrrrr! [Anticipating the lion's leap, he runs off. The lion lunges at him, but misses. Stan moves to the side of the peak and turns, gesturing.] Rawrrrrr! [Stan runs up the side of the peak, and the lion follows. Stan reaches the peak and turns to face the lion. The lion lunges at Stan again. Stan drops out of the way and the lion goes over the peak and onto its death below, at the cave entrance.] Narrator: In a flash, it was over! A victorious blow! The mountain lion lay slain on the cold ground below. Scene Description: The cave entrance. Stan sees that the mountain lion is motionless and approaches. Stan: Okay, there. [three lion cubs approach the entrance] Lion cub 1: Mommy? Mommy! [they rush up to her body] W... wake up, Mommy, wake up! Lion cub 2: Don't leave us, Mommy. [Stan realizes that this dangerous mountain lion was a mom, so his jaw drops. The pale cub approaches him.] Man-boy, why? Why did you kill our mommy? Why? Stan: [at a loss for words] I... the... critters. Their... bir-birth of a Savior? [The cubs snuggle close to their mom's body, sobbing.] Narrator: The tiny cubs all gathered together and cried, All alone in the world because their mother had died. Stan: [turns away and squeezes his eyes shut] Aw- awww! Scene Description: The forest floor, night. The critters have set up a campfire close to the manger and are keeping warm by it. Porcupiney: [feeling a kick] Oooo. Beary: You all right, Lady Porcupiney? Porcupiney: Oh yes, just felt a little kick is all. Beavery: Well, it's been much too long now. Uh I'm afraid our helpful friend Stanny must be very dead. Foxy: Yep, the mountain lion probably swallowed him whole. Rabbity: I guess that means our Savior is gonna be made into Savior stew. Critters: Awwww. Chickadee-y: [flitting straight up into the air] Wait a minute, look! [the animals turn to see Stan approaching them] Critters: Stanny! [they gather in front of him] Mousey: Stanny, you're alive. Beary: But, does that mean you killed the mountain lion? Stan: It's dead. Deery: For real and for true? Beavery: Are you sure? Stan: I'm sure. It won't be hurting you anymore. Squirrely: He did it! Now our Critter Christmas can finally happen! Hail Satan! Critters: Hail Satan! Stan: Wait, wha-what? Beavery: You've done us a huge favor, Stanny! Without the mountain lion around, the Lady Porcupiney can give birth to the Antichrist! Critters: Yaaay!! [they head over to the manger] Stan: Wai-wait, the Antichrist?? You said she was giving birth to your savior! Squirrely: Yeah, to the Son of our Lord, Satan, Prince of Darkness. Stan: But I thought you meant the Son of God! Deery: Well, think about it: You really think God would have sex with a porcupine? Chickadee-y: No way! Only Satan, Prince of Darkness and King of all Evil would do that! Yay! Foxy: This just calls for a celebration! Let's sacrifice Rabbity and eat his flesh! Rabbity: Yay! Sacrifice me to the Devil! Scene Description: The other critters cheer. Stan is frozen stunned as Beary pulls up a Satanic altar on a small wagon with a little help from Squirrely. The other animals bring Rabbity up to the altar. Rabbity is propped up on the altar and Beary tears him apart with a sacrificial blade. The other animals crowd in, tear away pieces of the body, and eat them raw. Chickadee-y: Drink his blood! Drink his blood! Squirrely: [jumps into a puddle of blood] Blood orgy! Critters: Yay, blood orgy! Blood orgy, yay! Scene Description: The critters drench themselves in Rabbity's blood and begin the orgy. Beavery mounts Raccoony, Skunky mounts Porcupiney, Mousey mounts foxy, and Beary mounts Deery. Squirrely hops onto Deery's left ear and mounts that. Chickadee-y and Woodpeckery start flitting around. In the background is heard "Sting, so true!" Stan stares, traumatized. Critters: What special time and special day, It's Woodland Critter Christmas. Squirrely: [a circular window opens and he pops up] Hail Satan. Scene Description: The forest floor, night. The critters return to the manger and decorate it with Satanic symbols, including (what is presumably) Rabbity's skull. As the narrator speaks, the following takes place. The star atop the manger is turned so it points down. Owls bring flowers to the mountain lion's corpse. The lion cubs are shown, then the mountain peak, then Stan is shown with his head buried into his arms at his desk in his room. Narrator: In the gentle forest clearing on Christmas Eve morn, The little forest critters prepared for the Antichrist to be born. The noble mountain lion had stopped evil in all the years past, But now the good protector lay dead as the good owls amassed. And meanwhile, three lion cubs were crying away. For them, there would certainly be no Christmas Day. And soon the forest would suffer from the offspring Satan begat. All of this because of the little boy in the red poofball hat. Stan: Ugh. Narrator: Now that he'd killed the noble lion queen, there was nobody to stop the Apocalypse, it seemed. Stan: Uuugh! Narrator: "I know!" he said with a new happy grin, "I'll go back to the forest and speak with those critters again!" Stan: [waves the narrator away and leaves his desk] No, no-no-no. Narrator: He ran out the living room, turned out the light, and went back to the forest to set everything right! [Stan enters the living room, hops on the sofa, and turns on the TV. "The Jeffersons" theme song is heard.] And went back to the forest to set everything right! [Stan ignores the narrator and continues to watch the TV.] He tried to forget all about it by watching TV, But his conscience caught up with him and to the forest he did flee... [He turns the volume up to drown out the narrator, but to no avail.] He thought he could hide from his problems - not true! [Stan rolls his eyes] He knew in his heart the thing he had to do! Stan: Leave me alone!! Narrator: He knew that only by going to the forest could he - Stan: All right, all right, all right! God! [He turns off the TV, hops off the sofa and walks out the door, leaving the remote control on the floor.] Scene Description: The manger at the forest clearing, day. The animals continue decorating. Beavery: [looks around] Hey, look everyone! It's our old pal, Stanny. [the other critters turn and look] Woodpeckery: Oh boy, Stanny. You came just in time! Deery: Yeah. We've got a big problem. Squirrely: The Great Satan has commanded that when the Antichrist is born, we must find a human host body to transfer it into. Chickadee-y: That way he could take over the whole world! The whole world! Mousey: The human must be non-baptized and heathenistic against Christ. Beavery: We figured you'd be perfect! Critters: Yay! Stan: I'm not a heathen! I was baptized and my family's Christian! Critters: Awwwww. Beary: But we got to have a human host body for the Antichrist. Deery: Oh dear, maybe we won't have a critter C-Christmas after all. Squirrely: Now don't be down, y'all. Stanny can help us find non-baptized heathen human. Chickadee-y: Will you really, Stanny? Stan: No! I'm not doing you anymore favors and I'm not letting you give birth to the Antichrist! [walks off] I came here to put a stop to all this! Beavery: To stop us? Beary: But gee whiz, Stan, if you try to stop us, we'd have to use our evil Satanic powers on ya. Stan: Right, whatever. [turns around] I'm taking down the manger I built. [Beary's eyes turn red and brighten. A wall of hellfire appears before Stan.] Ah! [The wall gets higher.] Aaaah! [All the critters' eyes are flashing a bright red. Black crows swoop down and attack Stan.] Aagh! Aaaahh! [A two-headed demon dog appears snarling at him; he runs off in terror.] AAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAH! [The critters' eyes revert back to normal.] Beary: Oh boy! Our Satanic powers sure did the trick! Chickadee-y: Our powers get stronger every day! Get stronger every day! Squirrely: Sorry Stanny, but you see, nothing can stop the birth of the Antichrist, except for a mountain lion. Skunky: And you got rid of her. Critters: Yay! Narrator: The boy shook with anger! He broke a sweat and fell ill. Then he remembered there were three mountain cubs still alive on the hill! Stan: Oh yeah. Scene Description: The mountain peak, day. Stan climbs up to the cave again. Stan: Hello? Anybody in there? [the three cubs appear at the entrance of the cave] Lion cub 3: Oh no, it's the man-boy who killed Mommy! Lion cub 1: He's come to kill us now! Lion cub 2: It's okay. I died inside when Mommy was killed anyways. Lion cub 3: Yeah, better this than the slow death we'd face without a mother around. Stan: Look, I'm sorry I killed your mom. The, the squirrel told me she was evil. Lion cub 1: You got tricked by a squirrel? Gee, you're not too smart, are you, mister? Stan: I'm trying to make this all right again, but the only thing that can stop devil-worshiping critters is a mountain lion! Lion cub 3: Yeah, and you killed her. Stan: Well, you're mountain lions. Lion cub 2: Us? No, we're just kids. We still have our baby teeth. Lion cub 1: And our baby claws. Lion cub 3: And a dead mom. Stan: There still has to be a way for you to kill the porcupine's baby. Lion cub 3: What? You mean like in an abortion? Lion cub 2: Yeah. An abortion. That can work. Lion cub 1: But, we don't know how to give abortions. Lion cub 3: Do you know some place we can learn, mister? Narrator: "Where can they learn that?" the boy said with a frown. "I know! The abortion clinic just outside of town." Stan: [cross] What?! Narrator: So he picked up the cubs and down the mountain he stormed. And took them to where abortions are performed. Stan: No, he didn't. Narrator: Yes, he did. Stan: No, he didn't! Narrator: Yes, he did. Stan: No, he didn't! Narrator: Yes... he... [Next scene has Stan holding the cubs at the abortion clinic as the doctor there prepares to abort a baby.] did! Stan: Oh, Goddammit! [the doctor and patient are startled] Narrator: Said the boy in the red poofball hat! "We've made it already, little cubs! Fancy that!" Doctor: [walks over] Excuse me, what are you doing here?! Narrator: The abortion doctor inquired. Doctor: If you wanna be in the OR, a pass is required! Stan: I don't know, I- I'm supposed to show these mountain lions how an abortion is performed or something, I... I know, it's ridiculous. Doctor: Well, you're in luck, I'm happy to inform! It's only three days until Christmas, so I have lots of abortions to perform! Gather around my table, cute little lions, I'll teach you to do abortions without even tryin'! Narrator: And so the little boy and the cubs gathered around the chair base, And all day watched abortion after abortion take place. Scene Description: Montage. The doctor puts on his gloves and the cubs peer into the patient's vagina. Stan peers in as well, from a distance. The doctor works away happily and cleans up well. The patient leaves, and the next one is worked on. Lion cub 2 is on a desk next to a bottled fetus. He hops off, knocking the bottle off as well. The bottle pops open and the fetus falls out. Everyone turns and sees the fetus on the floor, and laugh about it. The doctor works on the next patient and Lion cub 3 brings him some forceps. The doctor smiles and strokes the cub's head. The other two cubs snuggle up to the patient on her shoulders, and she smiles at them. Singer: Christmas time is once a year. Every critter holds it dear. Every animal big or small, Christmas means so much to us all. It's once a year, it's Christmastime! And it happens once a year. It's once a year, it's Christmastime! When we hear about how Christmas only comes Once a year. Stan: This better have a point, dude. This really better have a point. Scene Description: The forest floor. The critters walk along singing their Christmas tune. Critters: It's almost time when the time is here, The time that's only once a year. Beary: Oh look. That little feller is all alone. Skunky: Gee, he looks sad. [Kyle is seen kneeling next to his sled, looking sad.] Critters: Hi there! Kyle: [gets up and turns around] What the hell? Beavery: How come you're all alone on Christmas Eve. Kyle: My... family doesn't celebrate Christmas. Raccoony: Aww, but why? Kyle: Well, because, we don't really... believe in Jesus. Critters: [cheering] Yay! Beary: But does that mean you aren't baptized? Kyle: No. I'm Jewish. Critters: [exulting] Yay! Yay! [they gather around Kyle] Beavery: You've got to come with us! Deery: You're perfect! Just pu-perfect! Kyle: Huh? Critters: [taking him away] Yay! Woohoo! Woohoohoo! Critters: What special time and special day, It's Woodland Critter Christmas. Squirrely: [a circular window opens and he pops up] Hail Satan. Scene Description: The woods, night. The camera pans along to reveal a glowing red pentacle in the starry sky. Narrator: 'Twas the night before Christmas, and above the woods, way up high, a new bright shiny star hung in the sky. For the world to be saved there was only one shot, A little boy with three clubs and an abortion plot. Stan: Okay, come on, the critters are over this way. You mountain lions ready to stop the Antichrist from being born? Lion cub 3: Sure. We know how to give abortions now. Narrator: He arrived at the critter forest ready to fight, but then gasped when he saw a most dreadful sight. Scene Description: The critters are standing around the manger. A grotesque creature lies in the cradle. Beavery: Gosh, we did it! Squirrely: The critter Antichrist is born, bringin' a thousand years of darkness to the forest. [The Antichrist growls and throws little fits.] Narrator: The Antichrist had been born, sealing the world's fate. The boy in the red poofball hat... was too late. Stan: Too late?! The hell is that?! Beavery: Oh. Hiya, Stanny! Kyle: [now tied to the altar, frightened] Stan! Stan, what the hell is going on?! Stan: It's Critter Christmas, dude! It sucks ass! Skunky: Now all we have to do is put the Antichrist into our human host. Critters: Let's go! All right! Woohoo! Stan: [turns to the lion cubs] That's it?! Ten thousand years of darkness and I don't even have a Merry Christmas?! [Skunky, Squirrely, Beary, and Chickadee-y walk over to get Kyle. Santa's sleigh appears in the sky.] Narrator: When up in the sky the sound of sleigh bells were heard, And a jolly red sleigh flew down to the earth like a bird! Beavery: Wow, look, there's Santy Claus! Critters: [cheering] Yay! Raccoony: Let's eat his flesh! [the sleigh lands and rolls to a stop] Santa: [hops out] All right, what the hell is going on?! Why is there a red star glowing in the sky?! Raccoony: We finally did it, Santa! We brought forth the Antichrist with help from our good friend, Stanny. Skunky: Death and pain await all living things. Santa: Little boy, you should be ashamed! Stan: I mean, I didn't mean to help them, I... I tried to stop them! Santa: Well good going, stupid! There's only one way to stop devil-worshiping critters! [He reaches back and whips out a long shotgun. He fires, and the top half of Beavery's head is gone.] Critters: Aaaaah! [They scatter. Santa fires again, and Deery goes down. Two more shots and the tops of Raccoony's and Skunky's heads come off.] Stan: Dude, what the- ? [Squirrely activates his demon power with the red glow from his eyes and a wall of hellfire appears before Santa.] Singers: Hold steady, Santa. Scene Description: Santa simply hops over it, gets into position, and fires at Squirrely, blowing him to smithereens. Stan: [goes to untie Kyle from the altar] Come on, dude. [Santa continues firing at the remaining critters. Porcupiney is blown apart, then Foxy.] Beary: Gee whiz, Santa, you're not gonna kill me, are you- [His head is blown off and he goes down.] Dark Cub: But Santa, what do we do about the Antichrist? [Stan and Kyle join Santa and the cubs.] Santa: Don't worry, boys. The Antichrist cannot survive without a human host body to go into. Kyle: [looks down] No. [walks towards the manger] No, I want to have the Antichrist inside me! Stan: What?! Kyle?! Kyle: [now in the manger, behind the trough] With his power, I can finally make the earth a better place for the Jews! Santa: Don't do it, Kyle! [Grinning evilly, Kyle holds the little Antichrist in his left hand. A glow emanates from the Antichrist and its spirit floats out of its body and into Kyle's chest.] Stan: Dude! Kyle: [returns to the altar, climbs up, and exults] Yes, yes! Now the Jews shall take control of Christmas once and for all! HAHA! HAAA!! Kyle: [voice-over] Oh, stop it, Cartman! [the spell is broken] Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's class, day. All the students are seated, and it turns out they're taking turns telling Christmas stories. Cartman is telling his now. Kyle: Just stop it! That's enough! You aren't reading another sentence of your stupid story! Cartman: I don't believe anyone interrupted you when you read your Christmas story aloud, Kyle. [behind him on the board is written "Write Your Own Christmas Story Day"] Kyle: This whole time your stupid story was just a way to rip on me for being Jewish at Christmas again! Cartman: Mr. Garrison, could you do something, please? Mr. Garrison: Sorry, Eric, but if Kyle feels discriminated against, you'll have to stop or else I'll get a call from his mother. Cartman: [closes his booklet] All right, fine! Forget it! [He drops off the stool and heads for his desk.] Butters: Well but, but what happened? Token: Yeah. Did Kyle bring a thousand years of darkness or not? Clyde: What happens to the lion cubs? Cartman: Well, I guess we'll never know, because Kyle doesn't wanna hear how it ends. Stan: No, it all worked out, right? The world was saved and I went home for Christmas dinner. Kyle: Dude, why do you care?! Stan: Well, after all that, I at least wanna know if I had a merry Christmas or if darkness rules the Earth. Kyle: Oh come on! It's obvious what happens! I get killed by Santa Claus so that Christmas is saved! Cartman: That's not at all what happens. Butters: Aw well, come on. Let him read us the end. Clyde: Yeah yeah, come on! [the other kids chime in] Kyle: All right, fine! Cartman: [He returns to the stool and resumes the story. He clears his throat.] "Oh dear, my best friend is possessed! How about that?" said the little boy in the red poofball hat. Scene Description: The spell is restored. Kyle is back on the altar exulting. Kyle: HAHAHAA! Now I shall rule the - [feels something...] Aww. Uuugh. God it burns! AAAH! My soul is on fire! Whoa! Oh, I don't like this! [hops off the altar] I didn't know it would feel so... dark and evil! Stan: Well what did you expect, dude? It's the son of the Devil. Kyle: Oh God, what have I done?! [sits down] I'm sorry. Please, I don't wanna be the vessel for the Antichrist. Santa: [with his shotgun at the ready] I'm sorry, but it's too late, Kyle! Santa's gonna have to kill you! [pumps the shotgun] Stan: No Santa, don't! Santa: We don't have a choice. In a few hours, the dark creature inside him will consume his soul. Narrator: The little boy fretted. He almost started to bawl, But that's when he came up with the best idea of all. Stan: The lion cubs! Narrator: The little boy quickly begun, Stan: I took them to see how abortions are done. Santa: What? Stan: Now cubs, do like they showed you. Hurry up fast! Get the Antichrist out of my friend Kyle's ass! Narrator: And in the twinkling starlight, each little cub did their portion. They remembered all they had learned and gave Kyle an abortion. Scene Description: The lion cub 3 is deep in Kyle's ass, retrieving the Antichrist with his teeth. He succeeds and takes it to Santa quickly. Santa takes it and sets it down on a tree stump. Santa grabs a large sledgehammer next to the stump, raises it over his head, and bring it down upon the Antichrist, smashing it to bits with a loud THUD. Kyle: Thanks, everybody. I'm sorry I got a little crazy there. Santa: Well little boy, it seems that you [points to Stan] have really been through a lot. Is there any special present you would like this year? Stan: [smiles] Yeah. Yeah, there is. Scene Description: The lions' cave. Santa arrives at the corpse of the mountain lioness and moves his hand over it, releasing some magic dust and watching it settle. The lioness stirs. Mother lion: Wha - Oh my, what happened? One of the cubs: [the three of them run up to greet her] Mommy? The cubs: Yay! You're back! We missed you, Mommy! Stan: [relieved] Oh, good. Scene Description: Stan's house. He runs into his parents' arms as Shelly and Grandpa look on. Next, they're all seated at table, eating. Next, Stan and Shelly are opening their gifts. Narrator: And back home, there were presents, and lots of food to get fat. And it was the best Christmas ever for the boy in the red poofball hat. Scene Description: A shot of the town, receding from view. Narrator: And they all lived happily ever after. Except for Kyle, who died of AIDS two weeks later. [Q shot of Kyle back in the hospital, dying.] Kyle: [voice-over] Goddammit, Cartman! Scene Description: End of Woodland Critter Christmas. Singers: [as credits roll] Christmastime is once a year, Every creature holds it dear, Every animal big or small, Christmas means the world to us all, It's once a year, it's Christmastime, When we hear about how Christmas only comes Once a year.

Scene Description: Trinidad Medical Center, day. A very modern, futuristic-looking building is seen behind the sign. Inside, a doctor approaches a patient Doctor: Hello, Mr. Garrison, I'm Dr. Biber. I'll be performing your surgery today. Mr. Garrison: [on the hospital bed, his legs in stirrups] God bless you, Doctor. I know you'll make me well again. Dr. Biber: Now, you're absolutely sure you want a vaginoplasty? Mr. Garrison: My whole life I've been a woman trapped in a man's body. A sex-change operation is my last chance at happiness. Dr. Biber: All right, then let's begin. [POV changes to Mr. Garrison looking down past his groin. A nurse hands Dr. Biber a scalpel] Just relax, Mr. Garrison. I think if more people could just see a sex-change operation, they would know how perfectly natural it is. The first thing I'm going to do is slice your balls. [bends down to slice open Mr. Garrison's nutsack - a live slice is shown] Mr. Garrison: Ough, ergh. Eww. [his eyes remain shut for the duration of the operation] Dr. Biber: With the scrotum open, I can now discard of your testicles. Mr. Garrison: So long, balls. [the vas deferens is shown being cut in two, severing the testicle from the rest of the body. A nurse dabs Dr. Biber's forehead with a towel to remove any sweat there] Dr. Biber: Now, I'll just continue the incision up the shaft of the penis. [real-life footage is shown] Mr. Garrison: Oh, that stings. Dr. Biber: Now I'll just... turn your... penis inside out. Mr. Garrison: OH! Oh jeez. Dr. Biber: All we need to do now is ...stuff the ...unskinned penis inside your... pelvis... And now I'll use the skin from your penis to make vaginal lips. Mr. Garrison: Do I look like a woman? Dr. Biber: [reviewing the results, then holds up his left thumb] Pretty much. Scene Description: Denver Convention Center, day. All-State Basketball Tryouts are being held there. TODAY! Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny show up courtside through entrance 51A. Kyle, #4, is in South Park Elementary's basketball uniform. Stan: Dude, don't be nervous. Kyle: How can I not be nervous? Trying out for the All-State team has been my dream for years. Stan: You're the best player at our school, dude. You'll make the team for sure. Cartman: This is ridiculous. Jews can't play basketball. Kyle: [points right at Cartman] I beat out YOUR fat ass, Cartman! [a referee's whistle is heard] Lead referee: All students trying out for the All-State team to center court! [Kyle heads for center court] Stan: Good luck. [Kyle reaches center court and is flanked by tall black players on either side. He looks around, seeing how much taller these players are than he. Two of them have basketballs; Kyle has his own ball] Coach: All right boys, now you're all here because you're the best of the best. [the camera pans from left to right, showing all the players - and Kyle's head from the nose up] I know that you've all worked really hard to make it this far, so let's get out there and [throws a basketball at someone] SHOW ME WHAT YOU'VE GOT! [play begins, and the taller players keep the ball away from Kyle, then drive toward one of the baskets. Number 32 slams the ball through the hoop. They drive to the opposite basket. Kyle has the ball and shoots, but his shot is rejected. The players head back to the first basket] Uh, uh excuse me, Brof-Broflovski, is it? Kyle: Yeah? Coach: Can we talk to you for a minute? [Kyle leaves the court and reaches the coach] You uh... You're the best player in your school, are ya? Kyle: Yep! I love basketball. I wanna play for the Denver Nuggets one day. Coach: Yeah. Uh, look, kid, you've got great skills and a great attitude. But you're just not physically ...built for the game. Kyle: Oo whataya mean? Coach: Well, it's just that... Jew's can't play basketball. [blows his whistle and returns to the other players] Awright, kids, we've gotta work on that shooting! Come on! Scene Description: Kyle heads out through 56A but puts his head against a wall, deeply saddened. Kenny, Stan and Cartman enter 56A from the concession stands and head towards Kyle Stan: Dude, you were awesome, Kyle. [no response. Stan looks at Kenny, then looks back at Kyle] Look, y-you gave it your best shot, right? That's all you could do. [looks at Kenny, shrugs, and walks away. Kenny walks over, puts his hand on Kyle's shoulder for consolation, then walks away. Cartman looks a bit concerned, walks over to Kyle... and taunts him!] Cartman: Nyanyanyanyanyaaanyaaa! You-hoo-hoo-hoo loh-ost! Hahahahahaaahaaa! [No response. Cartman can't get a rise out of Kyle] Kyle, I'm totally ripping on you at a totally inappropriate time. Kyle: I know. I deserve it. Cartman: Yeah, you know why? Because Jews can't play basketball! Kyle: You're right. [this disarms Cartman completely, and he walks away] Cartman: Jesus, that's no fun. Scene Description: Henry's Supermarket, day. A normal shopping day until... Man: [bursts through the main entrance] Hey everybody, you're not gonna believe it! Randy: Believe what? Man: It's Mr. Garrison! Only it ISN'T Mr. Garrison! He- He's a woman now! [the doors open again and Mr. Garrison struts in with a new womanly body and purse. He strikes a pose to show off his womanly ass. From here on, he's Mrs. Garrison] Mrs. Garrison: Hello everybody! [everyone is shocked. She goes further into the store and approaches two female shoppers] Can you believe it ladies? I'm one of YOU now! [hugs them, then heads to the Feminine Hygiene aisle] Wow, just look at all these tampons! Regular, heavy flow- Oh boy, I can't wait till I get my first period! [trots off.] Scene Description: The ladies' restroom, moments later. Mrs. Garrison enters humming and takes an empty spot along the sinks. Mrs. Garrison: Hi gals! [opens her purse and begins putting on makeup] Oh boy, can you believe the sales they're havin' out there? Well, I'm about to pee out my vagina for the first time. [hugs them] Give us a hug. Girls' Club! [lets them go and goes into a stall, closes the door, drops her pants and sits down. She urinates. The two ladies at the sink look at one another, then towards the stall] Oh wow! This is great! Look at that, I'm peeing sittin' down like a dainty dignified little woman! [begins to fart and poop. The women's jaws drop] Sany, any of you ladies wanna go see a sad movie together? [The women present leave the restroom one by one: the blonde first, then the one with light brown hair, then the one exiting the stall left of Mrs. Garrison holding her nose, then the one exiting the stall right of Mrs. Garrison holding her nose. The farting and pooping is just too much] You guys try those new wings tampons? Do those work well? Scene Description: South Park, day. A South Park Charter Transit bus stops and lets Stan and his friends off. Kyle walks ahead of them in gloomy silence Stan: Kyle, you have to cheer up, dude. So you aren't built right for basketball. Kyle: But I feel like a basketball player. That's all I wanna do. [Mrs. Garrison appears before them] Mrs. Garrison: Hello, boys! It's me, your teacher! Mrs. Garrison! [her fingers are fanned out and she strikes that pose again. The boys are stunned] Cartman: You guys, Mr. Garrison has titties. Mrs. Garrison: [moving her hands over her body as if shedding a layer of skin] I had a sex-change operation. My penis is now a vagina and I'm experiencing womanhood for the first time in my life! See ya in class! [saunters off] Scene Description: Kyle's house, dinner time. The family is at table eating Kyle: Mom? Dad? What's a sex-change operation? Gerald: [taken aback] What? Th'um, nuh-nothing. I- I'll explain it to you when you're a little older. Kyle: But our teacher, Mr. Garrison? He just had his penis made into a vagina. How come? Ike: Penis! Gerald: Your teacher had a sex change?? Oh my God! [buries his face in his hands] Ike: Vagina! Gerald: That does it! I'm taking you boys OUT OF THAT SCHOOL! [sweeps his left arm across the table] Sheila: Gerald, that is very closed-minded of you! You shouldn't judge people who want to change. Gerald: He's a teacher! How are we supposed to explain this to our children?! Sheila: [walks over and stands behind Kyle] It's very simple. [addresses Kyle] You see, Kyle, sometimes a person' outside doesn't reflect who they are on the inside. Kyle: Yeah. That's right. Sheila: They feel like they're somebody trapped in another person's body. And so, they can have a surgery [Kyle smiles and passes his hands over parts of his body he'd change] that makes them more into the person they see themselves as. Do you understand? Kyle: Totally! I totally understand! Sheila: There. You see, Gerald? He totally understands. Scene Description: Trinidad Medical Center, day. Dr. Biber sits behind his desk Dr. Biber: So, I hear you're interested in reconstructive surgery. Kyle: Yeah. My school teacher wanted to be a woman, and you made him into one. Dr. Biber: Oh yes, Mr. Garrison. Uh yes, he had a vaginoplasty. Mhm. Kyle: Well, do you also do other surgeries like that? Dr. Biber: Sure. You see sometimes a woman wants to be a man. That procedure is called a peniplasty. Kyle: No, no, uh I wanna be tall and black. Dr. Biber: ...You what? Kyle: I hate being small and Jewish. I feel like a tall black man. Dr. Biber: [tries to make sense of this in his mind, then] Ohhhhh! You want a negroplasty! Kyle: Yeah! [big grin] Stan: Wha-a-a negroplasty?? Dr. Biber: It's a fairly common procedure, really, just the reverse of a caucasioplasty just like Michael Jackson had. Let's take a look here. [Kyle follows Dr. Biber. Stan tails along. Dr. Biber stops and bends down towards Kyle, taking off his hat] What we do is slice your face and peel it back so we can insert now pigment producing cells inside. [draws a line along Kyle's forehead and left temple. Stan can't believe what he's seeing] We break the arm bones in several places and put braces to make them longer. [draws lines around the wrists] Now, the knees we need to snap off and fill with small round objects that can cause better movement. [draws two circles around the kneecaps] And we finish it off with a nice peniplasty to enhance the genitalia. [draws a circle around the crotch of Kyle's briefs] Negroplasty takes about seven hours and costs roughly three thousand dollars. Stan: Uh excuse me, is this really a good idea? Dr. Biber: Well, it's a good idea if you wanna be tall and black. Otherwise, I wouldn't recommend it. Scene Description: Mrs. Garrison's house, night. Mrs. Garrison enters the kitchen carrying groceries. Mr. Slave is at the breakfast table moping Mrs. Garrison: Hello, Mr. Slave. [sets them down on the counter] Boy have I been busy. A woman's work is never done. [begins taking the groceries out of the bags] I got some tampons. I should be getting my period really soon. I hope I don't get too emotional and drive you crazy with my PMS. [walks over to Mr. Slave hiding something behind her back, and says seductively] Mr. Slave, I got something for us, too. [brings forth a red negligéйe] Would you like to take this beautiful woman to bed? Mr. Slave: No thanks. Mrs. Garrison: [taken aback] Nu- no thanks? Come on, Mr. Slave, I wanna try out my new snootch. Mr. Slave: I can't believe you just went ahead and had that surgery without even asking me what I thought. Mrs. Garrison: Well, I ASSUMED you supported me. It's still me; I just have a vagina instead of a penis. Mr. Slave: But I'm gay! I don't like vaginas! Mrs. Garrison: Don't you even care that I was suffering? I wasn't happy the way I was! Mr. Slave: It's great that you feel better, but you never stopped to think about how other people around you would feel! Mrs. Garrison: Look, we can still be together. All you have to do is stop being gay! Mr. Slave: How can you say that?! You're gay too! Mrs. Garrison: I'm not gay! I'm a woman! Mr. Slave: Oh, Jesus Christ! [turns around and heads for the front door] Mrs. Garrison: Oh, so is that it?! [Mr. Slave opens the front door and walks out, leaving it open] You're just gonna walk out?! You men are all alike! Go ahead and find somebody who doesn't have a vagina, you fag! [slams his door shut] Scene Description: Kyle's house, morning. Kyle runs into the living room with a paper in hand and faces his parents, who are sitting on the sofa. They're both reading the newspaper. Kyle: Mom! Dad! I have awesome news! The doctor who gave Mr. Garrison his sex change said he can make me tall and black. [they look up. On Gerald's T-shirt is a picture of two dolphins jumping in the air] Sheila: What?? Kyle: Dr. Biber said he can give me a negroplasty so I can finally look the way I've always wanted. He even took my picture and then did computer imaging to show what I would look like after the surgery. [shows the paper, which is a picture of ] Gerald: Oh, just great! You see, Sheila?! This is what your transgender progressive thinking gets you! Now your son wants to be transracial! Kyle: [quite excited] Can I have three thousand dollars, Mom and Dad, huh?? Can I?? Sheila: Absolutely not, Kyle! Kyle: [let down] But why not? You said sometimes people need surgery to make them feel better about themselves. Sheila: Yes, but Kyle- Kyle: Well, all my life I felt I was black! I've listened to hip-hop, I watch UPN and I love playing basketball! My body doesn't reflect who I am inside. Sheila: Kyle, you have to accept your body the way it is. Kyle: Why? Why do I have to accept it when I can change it? Sheila: The answer is NO, Kyle! You're NOT going to have negroplasty! Kyle: But Jews can't play basketball! [this sets Gerald off and making him furious] Gerald: KYLE, YOU'D BETTER STOP BEING ANTI-SEMITIC RIGHT NOW, MISTER!! Kyle: [leaves the room and goes up the stairs, stopping halfway] I'm never speaking to either of you ever again! [continues up the stairs and goes to his room. His door is heard being shut. Gerald looks on as all this happens] Gerald: [rises and leaves the sofa] Oh, that does it! Sheila: Where are you going?! Gerald: [stops by the coat rack next to the front door, grabs his coat and puts it on] That Dr. Biber is about to get his ass bitten off! [goes out the front door and slams it shut] Scene Description: Trinidad Medical Center, day. Gerald approaches it with a file in hand. He enters Dr. Biber's office and closes the door. The doctor is setting behind his desk Gerald: Who the hell do you think you are?! Dr. Biber: Dr. Biber. Gerald: What kind of nutjob would agree to surgically alter my son into a tall African-American?! Dr. Biber: [leaves his chair and approaches Gerald] Oh, you're Kyle's father. Gerald: Huh that's right! And I also happen to be a lawyer! And I'm gonna have you sued for malpractice, and your clinic shut down!! Dr. Biber: What is that on your shirt? Gerald: What th- Look, they're- They're dolphins! Why? Dr. Biber: Ahhh you like dolphins, hm? [puts his hands together in an affectionate way] Gerald: A b-uh I love dolphins, Ever since I was a child I dreamt of... Huh b-b-b- But that has hardly any bearing on what I'm hear to- Dr. Biber: I can make you one. Gerald: ...What? Dr. Biber: Invert the back, move the esophagus to the top of the head. Yes, a full dolphinoplasty could be achieved relatively simply... Gerald: [steps aside a little] Make me a... dolphin? [begins to daydream about life as a dolphin.] Singer: If I could swim with the dolphins, the soft and gentle dolphins...Why can't I swim with the dolphins? Gerald: ...No. [heads for the door] No, no, it's crazy. Dr. Biber: There's nothing crazy about a person wanting to look on the outside the way they feel on the inside. Scene Description: Girls Gone Wild commercial. In the background is a crowd of men, in the foreground, willing women Announcer: It's Girls Gone Wild! [two women stand there looking at the camera, then lift their blouses all of a sudden and giggle. The words "Real Girls!" flash over their breasts] These girls will do anything! [another woman looks around, then flashes her breasts. The word "Wild!!" flashes over them. Two other women flash their boos. "Out of Control!" flashes over one woman, "Real Girls!" over the other. Mrs. Garrison sees an opportunity and comes forward to stand next to the women] Mrs. Garrison: Oh jeez, should I do it?! Should I do it?! Oh what the hell! [flashes her boobs, which are not bleeped. They're set rather far apart. The other women look at the breasts and leave in disgust] Wooo! Huhuh, wooo! Men: Awww! Mrs. Garrison: Look, I'll giggle and make them bounce up and down! [jumps up and down] Heeheeheeheehee, heeheeheeheeheeheehee. Scene Description: Later, at a bar after the video shoot... Mrs. Garrison: [walks up to the bar, which has three women seated at it. One of them is a redhead with short, wavy hair] Oh boy, men will do just about anything to get a look at our tits, won't they? Men are all the same. My boyfriend walked out on me! Turns out he was a fag. But I've been livin' it up ever since, havin' sex with all kinds of different guys! Girl power! [approaches the redhead] You know, the strange thing is, I haven't gotten my period yet. Is there a reason a woman might miss her period? Redhead: Well, normally, if a woman misses her period, it means she's pregnant. Mrs. Garrison: ...Pregnant? [turns away and walks a bit] Oh my God. Of course. [the women at the bar glance back at him] I haven't gotten to experience a period because... one of those truckers I slept with got me knocked up. [turns around and shouts] I'm pregnant, everybody! Hoh boy, now I can have an abortion! [leaves the bar] Scene Description: Kyle's house, night. Gerald returns home with a walker and a highly altered appearance. He now makes dolphin sounds and has a blowhole and dorsal fin on his back, and his legs have been joined together to make a flipper. His hands have been altered to look like ventral fins. He walks in the front door. His eyes are black from the alterations and his nose has been elongated. Sheila: [seeing the new Gerald] Gerald! What happened to you?! Gerald: That doctor is a miracle worker, Sheila. Iiii'm the happiest I've ever been. [approaches Ike] Look, Ike! You're daddy's a dolphin! [Ike just looks at him] Sheila: A dolphin?!?! Gerald: [turns around slowly to face her] Sheila, ih-it was wrong of us to be so judgmental of Kyle. If he isn't happy with who he is, then who are we to deny hm surgery that will make him feel better about himself? [his left eye twitches twice, each time accompanied by dolphin calls] Sheila: [distraught] Gerald, this is crazy! Gerald: I used to think I was crazy. But Dr, Biber told me that there are a lot of other people out there who are transspecies. All I did is change my appearance to look the way I felt... [places his right ventral fin to his heart] here. And I'm telling you now that if we don't let Kyle do the same, he may never be happy. Ever! We owe him more than that, Sheila. We owe him understanding! [his blowhole goes off] Scene Description: The school bus stop, day. Stan, Kenny, and Cartman work on building a snowman. Butters runs up... Butters: Fellas! Hey fellas, you gotta come see! Stan: What? Butters: Uhh, it's Kyle! Huh, he's a Negro! [runs off. The others follow.] Scene Description: Kyle's house, later. Kyle, now tall and black, stands in the front lawn. Around him are Kevin, Clyde, Jason, Tweek, and Craig Jason: Wow. Craig: Can't believe it. Clyde: Did it hurt? Kyle: Yeah, but it was totally worth it. [Butters arrives with the other boys] Stan: Jesus Christ, dude! Kyle: Look, Stan, I'm finally whole! My dad is even gonna take me back down to the all-star game to see if I can try out for the team again! Gerald: [at the front door] Come on, Kyle, we should get going! Kyle: Alright, Dad! [trots off] Stan: Dude, is Kyle's- dad a- dolphin? Cartman: He's a Jewish dolphin. A Jewphin. Scene Description: Planned Parenthood, day. In the reception area Mrs. Garrison reads magazines, but sees a woman seated near her. Mrs. Garrison: You here for an abortion too? [she blinks] Yeah, I discovered a few days ago I wasn't bleedin' out my coo, so I guess I'm knocked up. Is this doctor any good? Nurse: Mrs... Garrison? Mrs. Garrison: Oh, that's me. [rises and follows the nurse in] Scene Description: Planned Parenthood OR. Mrs. Garrison: Hello doctor, looks like I need an abortion. [sits on the chair and puts his feet on the stirrups] Doctor: ...an abortion? Mrs. Garrison: Yeah, I've got one growing inside me. Now, are you gonna scramble its brains or just vacuum it out? [a nurse arrives and her jaw drops] ...If you want you can just scramble it and I'll queef it out myself. Doctor: Mmister Garrison- Mrs. Garrison: [correcting him] Mrs. Garrison. Doctor: Mmrs. Garrison, you can't have an abortion. Mrs. Garrison: Don't you tell me what I can and can't do with my body! [gets up, goes to the nurse, and hugs her] A woman has a right to choose! Doctor: No, I mean you're physically unable to have an abortion, because you can't get pregnant. Mrs. Garrison: But I missed my period. Doctor: You can't have periods either. [Mrs. Garrison looks surprised] You had a sex change, Mr. Garrison, but you don't have ovaries or a womb. You don't produce eggs. Mrs. Garrison: [sits down] You mean, I'll never know what it feels like to have a baby growing inside me and then scramble its brains and vacuum it out? Doctor: N-that's right. Mrs. Garrison: But I paid five thousand dollars to be a woman. This would mean I I'm not really a woman. Ih, I'm just a... a I'm just a guy with a mutilated penis! Doctor: Basically, yes. Mrs. Garrison: ...Oh boy, do I feel like a jackass. Scene Description: Trinidad Medical Center, day. Mrs. Garrison enters the OR as Dr. Biber operates on a woman Mrs. Garrison: Hey asshole! Dr. Biber: Excuse me, I'm performing an operation here! Mrs. Garrison: You told me you were going to make me into a woman! Dr. Biber: I gave you a sex change. Mrs. Garrison: Yeah?! Well what kind of woman can't have abortions and bleed out her snatch once a month?! You made me into a FREAK is what you did! And I want you to change me back! Patient: Am I a man yet? Dr. Biber: Mr. Garrison, I can't reattach your organs. Mrs. Garrison: Why the hell not?! Dr. Biber: Because I've already used your testicles to fashion new knees for a little boy who wanted to be tall and black. Mrs. Garrison: You WHAT?! Dr. Biber: And your scrotum has been made into a dorsal fin for a man who wanted to look more like a dolphin. Mrs. Garrison: Oh you! You're comin' with me right now to find my balls and scrotum right now, Mr. Man! [pulls him out the door by the ear] Scene Description: Denver Convention Center, night. "All-State Playoffs. Colorado vs. Wyoming" People crowd into the center. Inside, the two teams are practicing their shots on the court Announcer: Welcome to the All-State Basketball Playoffs between the best fourth-grade players from Colorado and the best fourth-grade players from Wyoming. [cheers go up and Kyle arrives just in time] Kyle: [panting] Coach! Coach, I'm all better. I'm ready to play. Coach: Who are you? Kyle: Ih it's me, Kyle Broflovski. I had a negroplasty. Can I play in the All-State team now? Coach: Well, you're tall and black enough. All right, Broflovski, suit up! Kyle: All right! [turns around and looks up the bleachers] Dad, I can play! [Gerald is on the steps with his walker] Gerald: Alright Kyle! [tries to find a place to sit. An usher walks by] Excuse me, where do you have special seating for dolphins? Scene Description: The school bus stop, day. Stan, Cartman and Kenny are almost finished with their snow man. A car pulls up. Mrs. Garrison and Dr. Biber jump out of the car. Mrs. Garrison: Boys, have you seen Kyle?! He's not at home. Stan: [points down the road] Kyle went down to play in the basketball game, Mrs. Garrison. Dr. Biber: He's going to play basketball? Oh my God. Mrs. Garrison: What? Dr. Biber: Well, ah I only made him look like he could play basketball. If he actually does it, the testicle in his knees will explode! [Mrs. Garrison realizes instantly where her former testicles are] Stan: What?! But you made him into a basketball player. Dr. Biber: No, I just made him look more like one. We have to stop him from playing! Those testicles in his knees are ticking time balls! Mrs. Garrison: Oh Jesus! Come on, boys! We've gotta get to my balls before Kyle hurts himself! [everyone gets into the car, and the car peels off] Scene Description: Denver Convention Center, night. The Star-Spangled Banner is being sung Singer: ...and the home of the... brave! [the lights come up and everyone cheers. The teams take the floor for the jump ball. The referee tosses the ball up and Colorado #32 taps the ball to his team] Coach: Broflovski, be ready to take over for Owens. Kyle: I'm a hundred percent ready, coach! [The stitches along his upper chest, arms, and cheeks are seen. The camera pans down to show the bandages on his elbows and knees and the stitches along his legs] Scene Description: Denver Convention Center, by the restrooms in the hall. An usher stands nearby Gerald: Eh excuse me, where, where is the bathroom for dolphins? Usher: We don't... have one. Gerald: Well where the hell am I supposed to go to the bathroom? I I need a large tank with salt water. Usher: Ahhh- Too bad? Gerald: Damnit you people have to make special arrangements for transspecies people like me! I may be a dolphin, but I'm also a lawyer! Usher: You're a lawphin? Scene Description: Denver Convention Center, outside, by the entrance. Mrs. Garrison, Dr. Biber and the boys approach the doors Usher: Tickets please. Mrs. Garrison: We don't have tickets! Security guard: [appearing next to the usher] Sorry ma'am, no tickets, no entry. Mrs. Garrison: Look, there's a boy with my balls in his knees and he's in serious danger! Usher: What? Mrs. Garrison: [looks past the men and points] My scrotum! [he sees Gerald talking to the usher by the restrooms] That dolphin has my scrotum! Now let us in! Security guard: You can't go in, ma'am! [Mrs. Garrison delivers a right hook to the guard and the guard goes down. Mrs. Garrison and the others rush in. The guard gets up and calls for help on his walkie-talkie] We have unauthorized entry on level one! Scene Description: Denver Convention Center, courtside. The Colorado team drives to the opposite basket. The coach addresses Kyle Coach: All right. Broflovski, you're going in next possession. Kyle: All right! [stands and feels pain in his knees. He soothes them] Ow. Hm. [goes to the locker room] Scene Description: Denver Convention Center, by the restrooms. Mrs. Garrison and the others approach Gerald Mrs. Garrison: Gerald, where's Kyle?! Gerald: What? Why?? Mrs. Garrison: My balls are in his knees. If he jumps with them they'll explode! Gerald: Oh my God! [Security guards swarm nearby] Security guard: There they are, next to that dolphin! Dr. Biber: Come on, we've gotta get to those balls! [The group rushes into the arena; the guards chase them and open fire] Security guard: [the one who tried to stop them at the door] Stop them! They didn't pay the two-dollar entry fee! Scene Description: Denver Convention Center, courtside. Kyle has suited up and now enters the game. Announcer: Now substituting for Colorado, number 4, Kyle Broflovski. [Kyle goes in for #11, Owens. Stan and the others run down the steps towards the court, pursued by the guards.] Stan: Oh Jesus, he's about to play! [Three of the guards get into position at the top of the stariway aisle and start shooting at them. Down by the court Dr. Biber takes a steel trash can and bashes one guard with it] Gerald: [wrestles another guard over his walker] Mrs. Garrison, grab Kyle! Mrs. Garrison: Which one is he?? [camera zooms out to show Colorado taking the ball and driving to the other basket. Kyle isn't seen in the shot. At the other end, Mrs. Garrison tackles a Wyoming player. The crowd gasps] Wyoming Coach: Hey, what the hell?! Gerald: Stop the game! [jumps high into the air and mows down a bunch of player upon landing. More gasps from the crowd. The loose ball ends up in Kyle's hands] Kyle: I got it! I got the ball. [runs to his basket] Stan: Kyle, NO! [Kyle dribbles and then jumps up towards the basket] Announcer: Broflovski goes for the dunk! Mrs. Garrison: NO! [the dunk is shown in smooth slow-motion, as is his next statement] My baaaallllssss. [the ball goes in, Kyle lands back on the floor, his knees bulge, then blow out, spraying testicles matter everywhere. His legs split in two at the knee and he falls backwards. Players on both teams and some of the spectators are hit by bits of testicle. Kyle is unconscious and the Colorado coach screams and runs off] Scene Description: Denver Convention Center, outside. The police and paramedics have arrived and Kyle is sitting up on the gurney Officer: So let me get this straight. That woman over there was trying to get to her balls which were in the knees of a black child whose father is a dolphin. Stan: Yeah, that's basically it. Officer: Sounds like an open and shut case. All right, let's head 'em out! [the police leave] Dr. Biber: I'm sorry, Kyle, I should have told you the surgery was cosmetic only. Gerald: So, does this mean I'm not really a dolphin? Dr. Biber: Let's get you two up to the clinic and I'll change you back, for a nominal fee. Kyle: But what about Mr. Garrison? He can't go back. Mrs. Garrison: [thinks about that for a long moment] You know what? I'm okay. Even though I'm not truly a woman, I think I still like the new me. I'd rather be a woman who can't have periods than a fag. [newly confident] Hey guys! This girl is staying a woman! Who wants to pound my vadge! Girl power!

Scene Description: An elderly woman's home. Cartman rings her doorbell, and she answers it. Cartman is dressed in an orange hazmat suit and is carrying a tank of something on his back Cartman: Hello, ma'am. I'm working to clean up the neighborhood from parasites. Do you mind if I take a quick look around your house? I'm afraid you may have hippies. Elderly woman: Hippies? Cartman: [walks in and begins to rap the walls with his fist] Yeah, they've been poppin' up all over the neighborhood lately. Ms. Nelson next door had seven hippies in her basement; they usually live in colonies. [raps on the wall and the pitch changes] Hm, I don't like the sound of that. Could I take a look in your attic? Scene Description: The attic. He opens the door and looks in. He gets out a flashlight, turns it on, and looks around again. He stops after a few seconds. Cartman: Oh yeah, boy. Take a look at this, ma'am. [she climbs up until her eyes are level with his] See that? Hippies. [five hippies are sitting in a clearing in the attic, smoking and laughing.] Elderly woman: Oh my. Cartman: These are what we call the uh giggling stoners. Pretty common form of hippie, usually found in the attics. Problem is, if you see one hippie, there's probably a whole lot more you're not seein'. Uh, whe-where's the backyard. Scene Description: The backyard. The elderly lady opens the door and Cartman walks out onto the back porch Cartman: Yep, that's what I thought. See that? You've got a drum circle in your backyard. [eight hippies are seen seated around a small campfire drumming away. Logs are scattered around them] Elderly woman: Oh, well they showed up a few days ago, but I didn't think they were hurting anything. Cartman: Yeah. You know, I had a guy in Jackson County. He had a little drum circle in his backyard. It turned into a drum circle four miles in diameter. You get a few hippies playing drums and next thing you know, you got yourself a colony. Elderly woman: Oh dear. Scene Description: back inside the house Elderly woman: Oh, well, so, so what do I do? Cartman: [goes back to rapping the walls, then stops] Well, your attic could be so we can fumigate with polymarethane. The drum circle we're gonna have to gas. [raps again. The wall begins to crack and he steps aside. A hippie breaks through and falls to the floor. Cartman says under his breath] God dammit! [pulls out a fire extinguisher from his backpack] Hippie 1: [dazed and confused, coughing] Whoa, how did I get here? Man, I'm so high. Cartman: God damn hippie! [opens fire. Foam spews out from the extinguisher] Hippie 1: Whoa, dude! Cartman: Get out of here! Hippie 1: Not cool! [stands up and looks at Cartman] What's up?! [runs off] Cartman: Ma'am, I need to clear out your giggling stoners and your drum-circle hippies RIGHT NOW, or soon they're gonna attract something much worse! Elderly woman: Ooooo...what's that? Cartman: The college know-it-all hippies. Scene Description: The neighborhood, day. A red car pulls up to the curb. On the back window is a decal which says "University of Colorado at Boulder" Three men and three women step out of the car Driver: [wearing green jacket] Wow, my friend Brittany was right. This is a really laid-back place. Woman 1: [wearing tan jacket] Yeah, this will be a great place to spend spring break. [Stan, Kyle, and Kenny approach them] Kyle: Hey, let's ask them. [the boys are wearing shoulder totes with magazines peeking out from them.] Stan: All right. [the two parties meet] 'Scuse me. [holds out a clipboard] Hello, we are selling magazine subscriptions for our community youth program. Would you like to help young people like us by purchasing a subscription of your choice? Driver: Oh wow, you guys shouldn't be doing that. Don't you know what you're doing to the world? Kyle: Wha- whataya mean? Man 1: [wearing a guitar over his back] You're playing into the corporate game! See, the corporations are trying to turn you into little Eichmann's so that they can make money. [the other man is busily eating chips] Stan: Who are the corporations? Woman 2: [a blonde with a psychedelic fish on her shirt] The corporations run the entire world. And now they fooled you into working for them. Stan: Are you serious? We never heard that. Driver: We just spent our first semester at college. Our professors opened our eyes. The government is using its corporate ties to make you sell magazines so they can get rich. Kyle: Ugh! Those dirty liars! Kenny: (Sonofabitch!) [throws down his shoulder tote] Man 2: [has finished his chips] This is a really nice town you have here. That's why the corporations are trying to use you to take it down. Stan: Well... Well what do we do? Driver: Just hang with us for a bit. We'll fill you in on everything you haven't been told. [Man 2 resumes eating chips] Scene Description: Cartman's basement. He's gathered a bunch of hippies in there and one of them pounds the door to get out Hippie 2: [wearing a headband] It is time to let us out! I'm sending your names! Open this door right now! Cartman: [opens the door real quick and tosses another hippie down the stairs] All right, in you go. Hippie 2: What are you doing, man?! Hippie 3: [wearing a V-neck sweater] Let us out! [the throng advances up the stairs] Cartman: Get back. Get back or you're all gonna get maced! [the throng backs down] Hippie 2: What's up, man?! You can't keep us down here like this! Hippie 4: [with straight long hair] What's wrong with you?! Cartman: What's wrong is that there's more of you showing up every day and I need to find out why! Hippie 5: [wearing a thin headband] What makes you think you could tell us where to live?! Hippie 6: This is a free country, man! Cartman: Brah, I'm not gonna argue with you, all right? Just go with it. Hippie 3: Just go with it? We've been down here for days! Cartman: And you're gonna be here a little longer, brah, all right? Here, here's some joints [tosses a bunch of joints down to the hippies], and a guitar! [tosses that down as well and shuts the door. He then locks it and sets a large beam across the door, then walks away. The hippies are left there, coughing. One of them takes the guitar and sings] Singer: What's goin' on in this world o'mine?There's a whole lot of killin' in this world o'mine. Somebody's gotta help this world o'mine... Scene Description: Stan's house, at about the same time. He's sitting at the edge of the porch playing a guitar quietly. On his cap he wears a peace sign Stan: Sign, sign everywhere. SignDone something to my mind. Sharon: [peeks out through the sliding doors] Stan, sweetie, we're gonna go to the mall. Do you wanna come? Stan: Mom, the mall is a way for the corporate fat cats to imprison you into a life of servitude. I've got some stuff you should read. Sharon: Okay, sweetie. Scene Description: City Hall, City Council meeting. Mayor McDaniels is seated at the head of a boardroom table, with leading citizens of the town sitting on either side. Mayor McDaniels: All right, people, we can move onto issue number 14B. Chef: [Secretary of Public Safety] Mayor, we have got to do somethin' about all these potholes on our roads! Linda Stotch: [City Clerk and Treasurer] We don't have it in the budget to fix them right now. Gerald: [City Attorney] We'll wish we spent the money when we have a lawsuit on our hands. Chef: We- [a struggle is heard in the hall and the council members turn to see what it is. The door opens and Cartman rushes in, roughed up] Guard: You can't go in there! Cartman: Please, I have to talk to you all right now! Mayor McDaniels: Kid, we're have a city council meeting. Cartman: Mayor, something very big is happening, and if you all don't give me a moment of your time, there may be no more South Park to council over! Randy: [Secretary of Parks and Public Grounds] What are you talking about? Cartman: I'm talking about the end of all life as we know it. [some surprise is seen among the council members] For the past several days I've been... noticing a steep rise in the number of hippies coming to town. [puts a laptop on the table and turns it on] At first I thought maybe it was just a coincidence. [pulls a projector towards the laptop] Then I saw this... [connects the projector to the laptop, and the projector turns on. Everyone then looks at the screen. Cartman goes to it and points a few things out] Three new drum circles have sprouted up here, here, and here. They're all growing in diameter, at a rate of two hippies per hour. What this means... is that the hippies are conglomerating. They're thriving, if you will. I think that they're setting up for a... hippie music festival. Linda: A what? Cartman: It's, it's simple science. Look: When hippies start to nest in a new area, it draws other hippies in. With the right weather conditions and topography, it can lead to a music festival. One that lasts for days, even weeks. Reggae on the River, Woodstock, Burning Man, they will all pale in comparison to what we're looking at now. In my professional opinion... I think we're looking at a full-blown hippie jam festival the size of which we've never seen. [the adults don't get it, Cartman sighs heavily] Mayor McDaniels: Kid, what the hell are you talking about? Cartman: I know hippies. I've hated them all my life. I've kept this town free of hippies on my own since I was five and a half. But I can't contain them on my own anymore. We have to do something, fast! Mr. Mackey: Uh, Eric, we're, we're talkin' about potholes right now, m'kay. Cartman: It's not potholes you need to worry about. It's potheads. I know what these people are capable of. ' Mayor McDaniels: Johnson, get him out of here. [Johnson rises and goes for Cartman] Cartman: What are you doing?! [Johnson hauls him away] You have to listen to me! You can't sweep this problem under the rug! [he disappears from view, but peeks in one last time] The town is in serious danger! [Johnson returns to close the door] Scene Description: A park in town. The college hippies sit at a table... and on it Driver: You see, the corporations take their profits and invest it in the war machine while keeping everyone blind. Stan: Right, so how do we get back at them? Kyle: Yeah, we're pissed off. Driver: Well, so my idea was this: Let's have, like, a week long music festival, draw everyone here, and then together, we can tear it all down. [foam appears out of nowhere and covers the hippie driver] Whoa, what the hell?! [Cartman appears] Cartman: I knew you were trying to have a hippie jam festival! All right, everyone pack up your crap, we're going to my basement! Kyle: Cartman, what the hell are you doing?! Cartman: [stops and thinks through what he just heard, then turns around] Oh Jesus, not you guys? [approaches Stan and checks him out] What happened? Were you bit? Did you eat their brownies? DID YOU EAT THEIR BROWNIES?! Stan: [alarmed] NO! Cartman: Listen, you're my friends, but if you've been compromised, I'll have no problem taking you out! I'd expect the same from you. [the hippie that wore the guitar over his shoulder approaches the boys] Man 1: What is your problem? Get lost, little Eichmann. [Cartman sprays mace on him and he cries out in pain] Woman 2: Oh my God! Man 2: What the hell are you doing?! [a police car pulls up in the background and Officer Barbrady steps out of the car. He comes for Eric] Cartman: Everybody get in a single-file line! Officer Barbrady: There you are! Cartman: Ah, Officer Barbrady, you're just in time. These college know-it-all hippies were setting up for a music festival, just as I predicted. Officer Barbrady: Eric Cartman, you are under arrest. Cartman: What? Officer Barbrady: I was just over at your house and freed sixty-three people you had locked in your basement. Cartman: You let them out?! Jesus, we have to find them! Officer Barbrady: Oh no, you're coming downtown! [hauls Cartman away to the police cruiser] Cartman: No! No, we have to stop them! You know how we-?! We gotta stop them! Hebbiaaay! [Barbrady puts him in the passenger seat, then gets into the driver's seat and peels away] Driver: Who was that? Scene Description: South Park Police Dept. Cartman is in jail, confused Cartman: What did I do?! Officer Barbrady: You can't kidnap people and lock them in your basement. Cartman: They're not people, they're HIPPIES! Mayor McDaniels.: Is this problem under control? Officer Barbrady: I handled it, Mayor. Gee whiz. Cartman: [walks to his cell door] Mayor! Mayor, I confirmed the data! The hippies are going to have a massive jam band concert! Mayor McDaniels: I know. I signed the permit. Cartman: [steps back, stunned] You... You what? Mayor McDaniels: I signed a permit allowing them to have their concert here. Their little "festival" should pump some money into our economy. Cartman: They're hippies! They don't HAVE any money! Does the city council know about this?! Mayor McDaniels: They don't have to know. I can sign whatever permit I want! Cartman: You just SOLD OUT OUR TOWN! [Cartman snaps] Mayor McDaniels: That kid really needs some psychiatric help. Officer Barbrady: Yeah. Mayor McDaniels: All right, let's go. Cartman: [quickly composes himself] How much money is enough, Mayor?! How many people's lives it is all worth?! God damned hippies! Scene Description: Breaking News Announcer: This is a South Park News special report! [a crowd scene is shown beside the anchorman] Anchorman: Thousands of people have descended on South Park for a hippie music jam festival. The event is said to be the largest such gathering in the history of man. [the crowd scene fills the screen and the MC comes up to the main mic. The stage is set up solidly, with speakers ] MC: All right, welcome to Hippie Jam Fest 2005! [the crowd raises a cheer] Sooo great to see sooo many people turn out to make an impact on on the world! [more cheering follows] Stan: Yeah! Kyle: You said it! MC: For too long, the corporations have bled the world of its love and resources! It is time for us to get to work and make the world a better place! And we're gonna start right now. [launches into a jam with his band. The crowd cheers; the college hippies are seen in the audience] Man 1: [coughs] Oh man, I can't wait to see the look on those little Eichmann's faces when they hear this crunchy groove. [goes back to smoking pot] Scene Description: The Marsh house. Sharon and Randy run into each other in the kitchen Randy: Sharon, have, have you seen Stan? Sharon: He went with his friends to that music festival. Randy: Oh, Jesus, what has gotten into that kid?! Sharon: Now, Randy, we were the same way once, too. Don't forget that we were both considered hippies back in the '60s. Randy: Yeah, but when we did it we actually stood for something. I mean, remember Woodstock, Sharon? We actually did something there. Scene Description: Flash back to Woodstock, 1969, a crowd scene quite similar to the current one. Randy jumps into view and yells like a barbarian. Sharon jumps into view and they both dance around. Sharon turns and bares her tits and Randy dances so hard he gets dizzy and throws up. Sharon: You ate too much acid, man! [she resumes dancing and slips onto the vomit, face up. Randy pounces on her and starts banging her, sort of. They still have their clothes on.] Scene Description: Flash forward to the present. They consider how such activity would be seen these days... Sharon: ...Oh my God. Our son is with those people. Randy: [panics] S-stan. STAAAN! Scene Description: Breaking News Announcer: This is South Park News! Anchorman: Fear and horror in South Park today as the music festival continues to grow. [live footage is shown] They're arriving in droves and apparently no end is in sight. Reporter: Tom, the crowd just keeps getting bigger and the town is literally bursting at the seams. We don't know where this music festival came from, but, it's very close to consuming us all. Scene Description: Butters' house. Linda and Steven hug each other before the TV as they watch the news brief. Linda: Steven, what do we do? Scene Description: Kyle's house. Music is heard outside. Gerald opens the door and looks out to see hippies milling on his front lawn, and screams. A view from a long distance shows just how big the crowd has gotten, then another shot shows the heart of the festival. Randy is seen looking for his son Randy: [frantic] Stan?! Stan?! I need to get through, please! [Jimbo approaches him] Jimbo: [restrains Randy] Randy! Randy, you've got to get out of here! If they just trample this park, we'll be trapped! It's too dangerous! Randy: My son is in there! Duh-uh! [breaks away from Jimbo and disappears among the hippies. He reaches a clearing] Stan?! [the marijuana smoke is too much for him. He coughs harshly] Stan! Stan! Male hippie: Hey, chill man. It's all good. Female hippie: Have some water laced with acid. Randy: Sta-ogh. Ugh! [he falls to the ground gagging, then gets into a fetal position and passes out] Scene Description: City Hall. The Mayor looks at the festival from her office window. Mayor McDaniels: What have I done? MC: Yeah, South Park is now hippie capital of the world! [a loud cheer rises from the crowd. The Mayor raises her right arm. In her hand is gun. She points it at her temple. the camera moves to the right, the gun goes off, and bits of brain, skull, and blood hit the wall to the right. Her body is heard dropping to the floor] Scene Description: South Park Police Department. Cartman relaxes in his cell, having nothing to do. He senses he's not alone and looks towards the cell door. The town's adults are on the other side. Mr. Mackey: Uh huh hi Eric, uh, how's it goin'? Cartman: [gets off his bed] Great, I love crapping in a toilet with no rim on it. Randy: Eric, you were right. About the hippies. Could you... get rid of them for us now? Cartman: [angered] Let me guess: they've started a hippie jam band music festival. Sheila: We we need you to take care of them, Eric! They're out of control! Cartman: [a bit resentful] Forget it. [turns his back on them and walks back to his bed] Randy: Please. Some of our kids are in there. We should have listened to you earlier. Chef: Yeah. We apologize. Jimbo: Please. Don't let them ruin our town. Cartman: It's too late! Even if I did agree to help, there's too many of them now! Mr. Mackey: We know you can do it, Eric. You're smart. Wha- why you're the smartest kid in school, m'kay? Randy: We're just asking you to try. The whole town even got together and, and baked you a cake. [Sheila presents a cake, and Randy helps out. The cake says Eric on it] Cartman: [turns away again] Don't think that you can buy me with presents! ...Unless of course it's the new Tonka radio-controlled play bulldozer. Randy: [thinks a moment] It's yours. Cartman: I want the batteries for it too. And I get to drive it around in the school parking lot. Principal Victoria: Fine. Jimbo: Anything else? Cartman: Yes. [turns around] Kyle doesn't get to have one! Ever! And he has to watch me drive mine around the school parking lot and get super-jealous! Sheila: Well, we can promise not to buy one for Kyle, but we-we can't make him watch you play th- [Randy nudges her hard] Oh yes! Fine! We'll force Kyle to watch you. Cartman: All right, fine. But now listen up and listen good! I've never tried to get rid of this many hippies before, so I'm gonna need every resource this town has! And even if I don't succeed, and it's a million-to-one shot that I will, I still get the Tonka radio-controlled bulldozer and get to play with it in the school parking lot where Kyle has to watch me and be super-jealous because he doesn't have one! Are we clear?! [The adults just look back at him] Scene Description: The music festival, day 6. The crowd has grown so big the camera has to pull back a long way to get it all into view. The boys are again present with the college hippies. The band is playing reggae music. Driver: Wow, this band is so crunchy. Dude, I need more weed. Stan: So it seems like we have enough people now. When do we start taking down the corporations? Man 1: [take a deep drag from his joint] Yeah man, the corporations. Right now they're raping the world for money! Kyle: Yeah, so, where are they. Let's go get 'em. Man 2: Right now we're proving we don't need corporations. We don't need money. This can become a commune where everyone just helps each other. Man 1: Yeah, we'll have one guy who like, who like, makes bread. A-and one guy who like, l-looks out for other people's safety. Stan: You mean like a baker and a cop? Man 2: No no, can't you imagine a place where people live together and like, provide services for each other in exchange for their services? Kyle: Yeah, it's called a town. Driver: You kids just haven't been to college yet. But just you wait, this thing is about to get HUGE. Scene Description: Park County Community Center, night. Cartman and the adults are meeting there. Cartman stands next to an easel with various pictures on a tabloid-size book Cartman: All right, everyone listen up! The hippie jam band festival is now fourteen miles in diameter and five hundred thousand hippies thick. Randy: [closes his eyes] My God... Cartman: In less than three days, all of South Park will be completely consumed. Our only hope is to fight our way to the center of the crowd, and reach the heart, here. [points to the stage] If we can reach the stage, we can upload this Slayer CD into their music system. [shows off a CD-R of Slayer music] Hippies can't stand death metal. If everything works, they should disperse just before they consume us all. Jimbo: Nice plan, kid, except there's one giant flaw. That hippie crowd is massive! How the hell are we supposed to get through it and reach the stage? Cartman: We drill. [flips the page and a blueprint appears.] I've designed a vehicle that can bore its way through even the densest hippie crowd. They pilots inside will be safe from the pot smoke and the crappy music outside. Steven: You're... actually suggesting that somebody drives right into the heart of that mob? It's a suicide mission! Cartman: Not just somebody. I need a complete team to operate this vehicle. Along with me I'm gonna need a scientist, an engineer, and of course, a black person who can sacrifice himself in case something goes wrong. Randy: I'm the... only scientist in town. Linda: I'm your engineer. Steven: Honey, no! Linda: I have to do it, Steven. Cartman: All right, then we just need a black person who can sacrifice himself in case something goes wrong. [he looks around, panning by Chef once] Lessee, anyone would do, anyone who meets the qualifications, let's see... [his gaze passes Chef again] Oh, I know. How about- [his gaze falls upon Chef and stays there] Chef: Yeah, yeah! I get it! Fine! Steven: I I can't believe we're actually listening to this. This is a crazy plan! Randy: You got a better idea, Steven?! Dammit, my son is in there! Cartman: There's no more time for ideas! We have to have this vehicle up and operational in less than three days! Look, it's a long shot! But it's also the only shot we- [his face is distorted. Moments later he sneezes and his face is normal again.] got. Scene Description: The music festival, day 6. The camera pans across the site and stops where the townsfolk stand around the vehicle Scene Description: New report Reporter: Tom, I'm standing in South Park, Colorado, where a desperate attempt to save the town is underway. Some call it a suicide mission, but the heroic men and women of the hippie digger may be our only hope of survival. [Cartman's team enters through the doors of Bay 2] Randy: Well I... guess this is it, Sharon. Sharon: Please, save our boy, Randy. Linda: Butters, if anything happens to Mommy, I, I want you to be a good boy. Butters: Ah I will, Mom. Chef: [with two ladies crying on his shoulders] Now, now, don't cry, ladies. Everything's gonna be fine. Cartman: I... don't want you to worry about me, Clyde Frog. [his plush toy sits on a chair] Hey! You're the best stuffed animal I've ever had. [smiles, wipes a tear from his eye, and joins the rest of the crew into the hippie digger. They turn to wave at the townsfolk, who cheer and wave back. Some people take pictures] Sheila: Look out for yourselves! Mrs. Garrison: Godspeed! [the crew finally enters the digger and closes the door] Scene Description: Inside the digger Cartman: Primary engine running? Randy: Check. Cartman: Navigation systems? Linda: Online Cartman: Let's punch this baby. [the digger rolls off its platform] We're coming up on the outer perimeter of the hippies. Hang on. [the digger lunges into the crowd, tossing hippies left and right, maybe killing a few in the process. Inside, the crew is jostled about] Reaching hippie crowd. Hull status? Randy: Vehicle shell holding! [the digger continues clearing a path towards the stage] Scene Description: A command center nearby. Townsfolk mill around inside Jimbo: They're in! Townsfolk: All right! All right, yeah! We did it! Mayor McDaniels: [appears with a bandage around her head] All right, people, let's save it! [blood stains are seen on the bandage over both temples. The suicide attempt failed] They still have a long way to go! Scene Description: The music festival. The boys are in front of the stage sitting on throw rugs. They're bored. Stan: Alright, I can't take it anymore! I'm getting on that stage! Kyle: You're doing what? Guard: [an old hippie] Hey, you can't go up there. Hoohoo, woo! [smokes his joint. The digger lurches on. A long shot shows the path the digger is taking] Scene Description: Inside the digger Cartman: Switching to secondary fuel line. [warning lights begin to flash and warning sounds are heard] What's that? Randy: The drill is getting too hot from all the hippies. [the digger stalls and dies] Scene Description: The command center nearby. Townsfolk mill around inside Mayor McDaniels: What's happened? Mr. Mackey: They, they s- they stopped. Something's wrong. Steven: Jesus... they're dead in the water. [no motion from the digger.] Scene Description: The music festival. The digger is dead. As the crowd cheers, Stan approaches the mic Stan: Uh, excuse me. Excuse me, can I have your attention please? What are we doing? [the crowd quiets down] It's been nine days! Doesn't it seem like we should accomplish something? A hippie: We're using the power of rock and roll to change the world! Woo! [the crowd cheers] Stan: Maybe instead of complaining about corporations being selfish, we should look at ourselves. I mean, is there anything more selfish than doing nothing but getting high and listening to music all day long? Singer: He's right. It's time for all of us to focus our energy and get this hippie jam into full swing. [the band starts up again. They missed his point entirely. Stan just turns right and walks away] Scene Description: Inside the digger, the crew tries to start it up again. Cartman: Come on, come on! Linda: It's useless. The main power line has been shut down. Randy: Somebody's gonna have to go outside and activate the backup boosters. Cartman: No, Chef, I'm not gonna let you go out there! Chef: ...I didn't volunteer! Cartman: ...All right, fine Chef, go! Chef: ...Aw dammit! [rises from his seat and opens the digger door, facing an atmosphere think with marijuana smoke. He climbs down, coughing pretty hard] Scene Description: The command center nearby. The Mayor takes command Mayor McDaniels: That's it. We're going to Plan B. Nuke the crowd! Steven: God dammit, no! Y-you have to give them more time! Scene Description: The music festival. Chef makes his way through the crowd to the booster switch and turns it on. The digger revs up and zooms towards the stage. Kyle seems to be saying something about how he got a stain on his clothes. Stan: Dude, these people have no idea what's going on. Let's get out of here. Kyle: We can't. Kenny just checked. There's a wall of people like seven miles thick behind us. Stan: What? You mean, we're stuck here listening to this crap? [the stage is shown. All of a sudden the digger smashes into it, stopping the festival in its tracks. The crowd looks towards the stage] Man 2: Hey, what happened to the tunes, man? Man 1: More tunes. More tunes! [the digger's door opens and the crew steps out] Linda: We made it! Cartman: Hit the PA system NOW! [the crew goes over to it] Put me in the main line! [Randy turns and shoves an unconscious man at the controls off and gathers some cords] Randy: Which cord is it? Cartman: You're the scientist, jackass! Randy: I'm a geologist! Linda: We don't have time to argue! They're gonna nuke us! Randy: Nyugh! Cartman: Put them in my laptop! [Randy connects one of the cords to the laptop. Cartman selects a song from the Slayer CD he put in the CD-ROM drive: "Raining Blood" He clicks "Play" and the song blasts forth from the stage speakers. The crowd listens for a while, then begins to disperse.] A hippie: Oh man, not cool. Hippie 3: [covers his hears and walks off] This music is so angry. Man 2: This is killing my buzz. Man 1: Let's bail on this whole angry scene. [the college hippies move off] Randy: It's working! Linda: What? Randy: It's, it's working! Scene Description: The command center. Mrs. Garrison: We did it! We did it! [the townsfolk cheer and hug each other] Scene Description: The music festival. Stan sees his father Stan: Dad! Randy: Stan! [they run up to each other and hug. Nearby, Chef comes to and sits up] Chef: I'm alive! [Kyle walks around aimlessly, but Cartman spots him] Cartman: Hold it right there, Kyle! [Cartman has a small dagger in its sheath. He pulls it out] Kyle: Whoa, Cartman. We aren't gonna be hippies anymore. Y-you don't have to kill us. Cartman: Kill you? Oh no. I have much bigger plans for you, Kyle. Scene Description: South Park Elementary's parking lot. Kyle sits on the curb watching Cartman play with his Tonka radio-controlled play bulldozer. Cartman has the scoop haul some rocks from one pile to another Cartman: Hoho! Aw man, this is awesome! Weeeee! [offers the remote control] Oh here, Kyle, you wanna play with it a little while. [Kyle rises and takes a few steps, but Cartman withdraws the offer] Oh, sorry! You don't get to! Hehe. Oh, check it out! Cooool!

Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Class is in session. The kids are chattering when Mrs. Garrison gets their attention. Mrs. Garrison: Children, children, we have a very special announcement. [shown with Token at his side] Your classmate, Token, has just returned from winning the Colorado Child Star Contest with his incredible singing! Well let's give him a hand! [he claps, and Butters, Annie, and Bebe join him] Stan: Token sings? Cartman: Of course he sings. He's black. Mrs. Garrison: Token is going to sing in front of a huge audience at the Miss Colorado Pageant in Denver. And for doing it he's gonna be paid two hundred dollars. Class: Whoa! Cartman: Two hundred dollars. Mrs. Garrison: Now of course, as a woman, I'm a bit against those chauvinistic pageants, but I hope that you children take a moment today to congratulate Token for being so special. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, lunchtime. Stan and friends sit at a table just outside the school kitchen. They're deep in thought Stan: Wow, two hundred dollars. Can you imagine? Kyle: How come we never get opportunities like that? Cartman: You wanna know what it is, guys? Kyle: We're not talented? Cartman: That's right. We're not talented. See, we're not the artistic side, we're the thinking side. Stan: Yeah. We're too smart to be talented. Cartman: [leaves the table] Wait, you guys! I just had an amazing idea. Token is going right to the top, right. I mean, he's gonna be a huge star. Kyle: Probably. Cartman: So, why shouldn't we get some of that money? We can be Token's agents. That way, we get ten percent of whatever he makes! Stan: Hey yeah! We deserve that money just as much as he does. Cartman: We just need a really kickass office and some nice suits. A and a fountain in our lobby. All top agencies have fountains in their lobbies. We gotta make Token think he needs us, when actually he doesn't need us at all. [strokes his chin] Scene Description: Montage: Cartman tries out his suit in front of a full-length mirror in his room. Stan and Kyle try out suits in Kyle's room. Next, the boys are in a department store purchasing cell phones at Bull's Eye. Next, Stan and Kyle carry an executive desk into the new office. Next, Cartman and Kenny steal a fountain from somebody's backyard. Next, flyers for the new agency, Super Awesome Talent Agency, are printed out. Next, the boys are at a copy center to get some business cards. Next, Cartman and Kyle set up signs around town. Next, the finished office is shown... in Cartman's basement. The four boys congratulate each other for a job well done. Scene Description: South Park, day. Token walks by one of the signs the boys drew up. He notices it and stops to read it. The boys hide around the corner. Stan peaks around the corner. Stan: He's looking at the sign. Cartman: Perfect! All right, you guys get back to the office, I'll bring Token there. Stan: All right. Cartman: Wait a minute! You guys, this is very important: when I bring Token back to the office, have Kenny hide in another room, and call the phone on my desk. Kyle: Why? Cartman: Because I'll answer and pretend I'm talking to somebody super famous and important. When Token sees that, maybe he'll think we're legit. Stan: It's genius. Cartman: [motioning them away] Okay, go go, here he comes. [they leave, and he walks into Token's field of view talking into his cell phone] Yeah? Well then tell him we're just not interested. [stops just before they collide] Oh hey, Token! Buddy, my man, what is up?! Token: Nothin' Cartman: [puts his phone away] Hey, you know, I heard you were doing something down in Denver tomorrow night. Token: Yeah. Cartman: Yeah I don't know if I ever told you this before, but I'm actually an agent over at the Super Awesome Talent Agency. You may have seen our ads around town. Anyway, why don't you come down to the office, Token? Maybe I can convince the company to represent you. Token: I'm supposed to be home by 3:30. Cartman: This will only take a second. Scene Description: Cartman's basement - er, Super Awesome Talent Agency. Cartman takes Token down the stairs and onto the agency floor Cartman: Welcome to our offices, Token. As you can see, we are quite a successful company. Did you notice the fountain? Pretty nice, hm? [they look at the fountains for a few moments, then Cartman turns Token around] Come on over this way, Token. [the other boys come to greet Token] Guys, you remember Token. He's thinking about becoming a client. Stan: [sitting Token down on the sofa] Ohhhh Token. Right, yeah, you're makin' a smart move, man. Cartman: Now, Token, I I know what you're saying to yourself: You're saying, "Hey, why do I need an agency? Why should I give them ten percent?" Right? Token: [Stan and Kyle walk off...] ...Yeah? Cartman: [...and reappear on either side of him] Token, the truth is that without representation, you're in danger of being taken advantage of. [his phone rings] Uh uh, excuse me just a second, Token. [takes the "call"] Super Awesome Talent Agency. Oh yes, hello! How are you, Abraham Lincoln? [Token just looks on. Kyle is stunned that Cartman would mention Lincoln, then gets cross about it] Yeah, yeah, no, I'm happy you called, Abraham Lincoln. I'm just sort of in the middle of something right now. Kyle: Can I talk to you?! [grabs Cartman's shoulder] Cartman: I'll I'll call you back, Abe. [hangs up. Kyle pulls him behind the partition] Kyle: What the hell are you doing?! Cartman: I'm making it look like important people call us. Kyle: Abraham Lincoln has been dead for two hundred years! Cartman: [thinks for a moment] ...well Token doesn't know that. Kyle: Yes he does! Cartman: How?! Kyle: Token actually pays attention in school! Unlike you, fatass! Cartman: Jew! [Stan comes around the corner] Stan: You guys, we're gonna lose our client. [the boys come into view again] Cartman: Yes, yes, I think that's a good idea, guys. Let's give Michael Jordan a call about that. [goes to his desk and clears his throat. Stan and Kyle flank him again] Ah, now, where were we? Token: We were at why I should give you ten percent. Stan: Look, Token, here's the bottom line. You're gonna start having a lot of offers comin' at you from all directions. A media storm is about to hit you and you can't handle it on your own. Nobody can. Kyle: Eminem, Justin Timberlake, Hootie... They all have agents. You need somebody to manage it all for you. Stan: This thing in Denver is is just the crust, Token. With our support, you can have the whole pie. Token: [thinks a moment] Well, I guess that makes sense. All right. [the boys are a bit stunned at how brief and easy this was] Cartman: Uh if... we could just get you to sign right here? [slides the contract towards Token, and Token signs it] Kyle: Welcome to the team, Token. Stan: Ah Kenny, Token just signed with us! Kenny: (Hey, terrific!) Cartman: From now on, we are an entertainment team, Token. You just do all the singing, all the performing and all the entertaining,and leave the rest to us. Scene Description: Denver Convention Center, night. The Miss Colorado Pageant is underway MC: And there are your finalists, the sixteen most beautiful women in Colorado. Here to sing for our sixteen lucky finalists, the winner of the Colorado Child Star Contest, Token Black. [a soul beat comes up and Token walks onto the stage. The crowd cheers him on, he hits his mark and begins to sing] Token: You'll never find...As long as you live...Someone who loves you...Tender like I do... Man: ["You'll never find..."] Wow, he's really great. We should get him to sing at Tommy's bar mitzvah ["No matter where you search..."] Stan: Oh, you're interested in hiring our client? Cartman: We represent Token. [hands the man a business card] Give us a call, we'll work out a deal. Token: Whoa, I'm not braggin' on myself, babyBut I'm the one who loves you and there's no one else! No-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh one else. Mrs. Garrison: Just between us girls, nothin' gets my vadge wetter than a black man singing. Principal Victoria: [winces] Mr. Garrison, for the love of God. Token: ... (you're gonna miss my lovin')I know you're gonna my lovin' (you're gonna miss my lovin')You're gonna miss, you're gonna miss my lo-o-ove. Scene Description: Denver Convention Center, after the show, outside. The boys walk out with Token, who's counting the cash he earned. Stan: You were awesome, Token! Kyle: We knew you could do it! Cartman: Two hundred dollars, Token, that's great! And ten percent of two hundred is... Kyle: Twenty dollars. Token: Here you go. [hands Cartman $20] Kenny: (All right!) Cartman: Sweet! Stan: This is just the beginning. I bet we start to see all kinds of offers comin' in for Token now. Agent: [walks up to the boys] Hey there my man, that was a great performance. Token: Thanks. Agent: Don Heisman, Creative Arts Agency in Los Angeles. I think you've got real promise. How'd you like to sign with CAA? Token: Are you serious? Stan: [interjecting] Uh excuse me, Token already has representation. Cartman: You may have heard of Super Awesome Talent Agency. Don: Mm, no. Uh, look, Token, there's some shows in LA we wanna book you on right away. If you come out to my limo we can talk everything through. Token: Oh my God! Okay! Cartman: Token, you signed with us! Token: Oh, come on, guys. You have to see what a huge opportunity this is for me. Cartman: What?! Uh they're not so great! They probably don't have a fountain in their lobby! Don: Actually, our fountain is two stories tall. Cartman: ...Oooo... Don: Come on, Token, we have a lot to talk about. Kyle: Mister, you can't do this to us! Don: Sorry kids, nature of the business, you know? [Token goes into the limo and takes a seat. Don follows him in] Do you like steak, Token? I know a great place for you locally. [the limo rolls off] Cartman: ...Goddamnit! [throws down the $20 bill] Scene Description: Super Awesome Talent Agency, day. The boys sit around a table trying to come up with other ways of attracting potential clients. Kenny relaxes on the sofa Stan: So unfair... so unfair. Kyle: All that time and effort we spent helping Token and this is the thanks we get?! Cartman: This just goes to show that hard work doesn't pay off! I'm gonna be a homeless drug addict from now on! [Tuong Li Kim comes into view, climbing down the stairs] Mr. Kim: Ahh hello, is this the Talent Agency Stan: Huh? Mr. Kim: I see this sign on the street for a talent agency? I need a representation. [the boys all perk up and look at Lu Kim, then jump at the chance to get a new client] Hey, wowee, nice fountain. Stan: You were looking for a talent agent? Mr. Kim: No, not me, my wife. [calls her down the stairs. She dutifully appears] This is Wing. She just come over from China. [puts his right hand on to the left side of his face so she doesn't hear] She over here uh irregarry. The Chinese Mafia help me out. Stan: And what does she do? Mr. Kim: Ah, she sing. She very popular in China. Hey, you just sit and listen. You'll be very impressed. [he barks commands at her, then goes over to a tape player, puts a tape in, and waits for Wing to sing. The boys take seats at a row of chairs nearby. Wing begins a bad rendition of ABBA's Dancing Queen] Well? What you think? Stan: Uh, we're sorry dude, but getting her career off the ground would take too much work for us. Mr. Kim: Aww, that's too bad. She just got accepted to be on American Idol in Ros Angeres, but I can't take her 'cause I have to mind the restaurant. [the boys think, then blink] Cartman: You've ...already done all the work? Mr. Kim: Yes. They say it pays a thousand dowar. Kyle: Sir, we would love to sign your wife. Stan: Yeah! Mr. Kim: Rearry? Cartman: We'll go to LA with your wife. All she has to do is go on the show, do all the performing, make all the money, and leave the rest to us. [Wing continues singing] Scene Description: City Wok, night. The phone rings. Mr. Kim: Shitty Wok, take your order prease. Scene Description: City Wok, night. The phone rings. Stan: Hi, Mr. Lu Kim? Uh hi, it's Wing's agents. Everything's fine, yeah, but we're supposed to arrive in Los Angeles in about four hours. Listen, does your wife ever eat? Or anything? Mr. Kim: Oh, don't worry about her. She a very dericate little flower. See, she don't need to eat much. Stan: Uhh, all right. We'll call you after she goes on TV. Mr. Kim: Okay, bye. Oh oh wait! Can I talk to my wife, please? Stan: Uh sure, here she is. [Stan puts the phone to Wing's ear, and Mr. Kim begins barking at her again] Okay, finarry everything rookin' up for me and my family. [outside there's a flash of light and three shadows pass through the doors] Welcome to Shitty Wok, take your order prease? [the men come into the light. They are three buff Chinese men] Aw crap, Chinese Mafia! [one of the men walks around behind the counter, grabs Mr. Kim's head with one hand and places a knife against his chin with the other] Aaaaahh! [the two men move around to the eating area and are met by four other Tong members] Tong leader: Mr. Ru Kim, it appears we have a problem. Mr. Kim: Oh, a problem? Rearry? Tong leader: We smuggled your wife into the United States for you. You were to pay us ten thousand dollars for that service. Yet, we have yet to be paid. Mr. Kim: We... we working on it! She, she got tarent agent! She's about to make a whole lotta money! Tong leader: It's too late for that, Mr. Kim. Your wife is now our property. We taking her to Los Angeles, where she will work in massage parlor.until she works off the debt. Mr. Kim: No, she... she not here! Prease, just give me a little more time! [the leader punches him in the face] Agh! Tong leader: Where is she?! Mr. Kim: She... she in Arabama. Tong leader: You're lying. Turn him around! Mr. Kim: Yah, wah, aaaah! Tong leader: You don't wanna tell us where she is? All right. Puh la! Ching ga wai pan! [one of the men begins to grab trays of food and dumps the first one over the counter] Mr. Kim: Ahhh! My shitty chicken! [the man grabs the next tray and dumps that over the counter] Nooo, the shitty beef! [the man grabs the next tray...] No! No wait! Prease! Stop! Prease! Not the shitty shrimp. Tong leader: Tell us where to find her, Ru Kim! You have no choice. Mr. Kim: She... she go to Ros Angeres with her agents! She gonna be American Idol. [the leader snaps his fingers, the other men let him go, and they all leave. Mr. Kim collapses on the floor sobbing] Scene Description: Hollywood, day. A view of the Hollywood sign from a location above a main thoroughfare Scene Description: A major studio. The boys walk among the various studios - Studio 21, Studio 22, Studio 23... Stan: There it is! American Idol contestants! Kyle: Jesus, we made it just in time! [the boys attempt to talk to the attendants] Cartman: Excuse us! Contestant: Hey kid, what do you think you're doing? [the boys turn to face him] Stan: Ah our client has an audition to this show. Contestant: Yeah. So do we! [the camera pulls back to show the long line of contestants waiting for their auditions] Kyle: Oh crap! Cartman: Dude, how long is the wait? Contestant 2: It's been about seventeen days for me. Stan: Oh no, no no no, come on! [the boys return to the attendants] Excuse me, ma'am. Attendant: Wait in line with everyone else. [turns away] Stan: No, I don't think you understand. We're here with Wing. That's right, the Wing. [the woman] Kyle: Ma'am, we are a very important talent agency. If your producers knew you were forcing people of our stature to the back of the line, well- Cartman: Brrr brrr! Brrr brrr! Oh, excuse me, everyone. That's my cell phone. [clears his throat and whips out his phone] Hello? Oh yes, hi, Colonel Sanders! Yes, I'm doing great, but you know, heh, someone at American Idol doesn't know who Wing is. Kyle: Aw, just forget it! [hauls Cartman away. The other boys follow, but Wing doesn't] Cartman: Eh eh, you're right, Colonel Sanders! You shouldn't give her any more chicken. Kyle: Goddamnit! Goddamnit! Stan: We can't wait in line! We have to be in school on Monday! Cartman: Stupid assholes! [they pass an agent talking on a cell phone] Agent: What do you mean your client isn't coming?! We're taping the show tomorrow! Where am I goin' to find another contestant? Fine! Go screw yourself! Kyle: Ahh-d, excuse me, sir, did I hear you say you needed somebody for your show? Stan: We have someone who's ready to go on TV right away! Agent: Really? Cartman: Is there a cash prize involved in your show as well? Agent: Well yeah, winner gets a thousand dollars. Stan: All right, our client will do it! Agent: Great! You kids just saved my ass! See you over at Stage 6. [moves off.] Kyle: Hey, is your show as good as America Idol? Agent: Naw, this is better. It's called The Contender. [gets into a cart and drives off.] Stan: What's "The Contender"? Scene Description: The Contender commercial Announcer: Tonight, two people will compete for glory. One will stay, one will go home, in the new hit show by Sylvester Stallone. Stallone: Hello. Announcer: The Contender! Scene Description: The Contender taping Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Contender! Fighting out of the red corner, wearing blue and white trunks, the Destructor from Del Fuego, Mexico, Manuelo Furrrrnanda! [Furnanda dances and jabs at the air, then raises his arms. Mexican fans in the audience cheer him on] Stallone: [at ringside, slurred speech] Le's go! Le's see a good fight! Announcer: And fighting out of the blue corner, wearing a gorgeous floral-pattern silk dress, Wing! Cartman: Come on, Wing! Kyle: Let's do it Wing! Stan: Go Wing! [Kenny cheers on as well, but he's hard to understand. The bell rings. Wing's music comes up and she begins to sing "Fernando" as Fernanda sizes her up] Stallone: Aw yeah! [Fernanda begins to deliver blows to Wing and the boys wince] The Boys: Awww! [Fernanda delivers more blows] Kyle: Oh my God, dude! Cartman: She's got a hell of a chin on her, I'll give her that. [Fernanda delivers more blows until Wing is knocked out and falls to the side] The Boys: [wincing] Awww! [Kenny draws his hood string tight around his face] Cartman: Gay. Scene Description: Stage 6, day. The boys stand outside the stage with cups in their hands Stan: Anyone? Help four boys and a Chinese woman get back to Colorado? Cartman: Your gift of hope is a great deduction. [no one stops to donate. Stallone and his producers come out and approach the boys] Stallone: Hey kid! [Stan and Cartman turn around and he mumbles at them] Producer: Mr. Stallone says he's sorry it couldn't go better for you back there. Stan: Oh, thanks. Stallone: Yo kid. [mumbles some more] Producer: Mr. Stallone thinks your singer has a lot of talent. [Stallone mumbles some more] He really likes her voice. [Stallone mumbles some more] You know, the way she vocalizes the melody, [Stallone mumbles some more] it brings tears to his eyes. Cartman: Thanks, Mr. Stallone. We're just sorry she wasn't a better boxer. [Stallone mumbles some more] Producer: Uh, Mr. Stallone wants Wing to sing at his son's wedding. Stan: You do? [Stallone mumbles some more] Producer: He'll pay her four thousand dollars. Cartman: Four thousand dollars? [Stallone mumbles some more and hands his producer a card] Producer: [hands the card to Stan] Be at this address tomorrow 2 p.m. sharp. And don't be late. Stan: We won't! [Stallone mumbles some more, then leaves with his men] Stan, Cartman: Waaaaah! [they run over to Kyle and Kenny, who have their own cups] Stan: You guys, you guys! Kyle: What? Stan: Sylvester Stallone wants Wing to sing at his son's wedding tomorrow! He's gonna pay her four thousand dollars! Kenny: (What?!) Kyle: Get out! Cartman: That's four hundred for us! We did it! [tosses his cup away] Kyle: Woohoo! Yeah! Stan: Yeah! Cartman: Who let the dogs out? The Boys: [dancing in pairs] Who? Who? Who who? Cartman: Who let the dogs out? The Boys: Who? Who? Who who? Cartman: Who let-? Stan: Whoa whoa, wait, wait. ...where's Wing? [the joy leaves instantly] Kyle: What do you mean? We thought she was with you. Cartman: Naw, sh-she was with you! Stan: ...Oh Jesus Christ. If that big CAA talent agency finds out she has work, they're gonna try to steal her away from us again. Cartman: [move forward] Wing? Wing? Kyle: Wing? Cartman: Wing? Here, Wing! Kyle: Wing? Kenny: (Wing?) [nearby, the Tong have arrived and abducted Wing] Tong leader: You thought you could run from us, did you? [the boys look around, and Stan spots her] Stan: Oh no! [he points towards Wing, who's now being put into a limousine. The boys race over] Hey! That's our client! [the driver gets into the limo and drives off] Kyle: They did it to us again! That dirty talent agency stole our client again! Cartman: Not this time! They dropped their card. Now we know where CAA Talent Agency is! We're gonna march in there, and get our client back. Scene Description: A crisp clear night under a bright moon. The camera pans down and rests on a hilltop mansion Tong leader: [in one of the rooms] You see, Mrs. Kim, when you made a deal with us, you signed your life away. Yes, we help Chinese citizens sneak into the U.S., but when they get here, they become our slaves. It's an age-old business, and nobody has the guts to stop us. [guards outside the house arm themselves] Stan: [walking up the driveway with his friends] Two four nine all right, this is the place. Kyle: Damn, CAA is pretty impressive. Cartman: Of course it's impressive! They steal everyone else's clients! Guard 1: [says something in Chinese. Translations follow] "It's just four little boys" [the second guard says something to the boys as they walk up the stairs and pass through the front doors] Cartman: Yeah, whatever. You can suck our balls. Scene Description: The mansion, inside. The boys walk through a long, lavish hallway Stan: Hello? We want to talk to somebody right now! Cartman: Oh my God, you guys. Look! [they face a two-story-tall fountain with a curving stairway on each side] They do have an amazing fountain. [four guards appear and run down one of the staircases, getting into positions] Kyle: You assholes stole our client! How about some Goddamn business ethics?! Stan: You tell 'em, Kyle! Kyle: You think you own the entertainment business, but you don't! Give us back Wing, RIGHT NOW! [the four guards open fire. the boys look for a place to hide and find shelter behind a counter.] Stan: Jesus, they really want Wing as their client! Tong leader: [hears the commotion nearby] What the hell is that?! Go! Go! [sends the guards with him out] Kyle: Dude, maybe we should give up! Stan: No! Screw that, dude! If we keep letting CAA take all our clients, we're never gonna make it as talent agents! Cartman: Yeah, if these talent agents wanna play rough, we can play rough too! [leaves the counter] Kyle: Cartman! [Cartman runs through the gunfire and makes it to a wall on which rest several guns. He takes one and cocks it. The four guards move down to the floor] Cartman: Do you wanna play rough?! Okay! [comes out from behind the wall] Take this! [begins firing away. He has no control over the gun, so it fires everywhere. One of the guards is struck down, another one quickly goes up the stairs again] Stan: We've gotta split up and find Wing! You and Kenny go that way! [Kyle and Kenny move away from the gunfire, Stan goes towards Cartman. Kyle and Kenny enter a blue room] Kyle: Wing? Scene Description: Two guards fire away. Kyle and Kenny duck and cover themselves, and two guards coming up behind them are killed. Cartman and Stan go down a hallway, with Cartman firing at everything in sight. Two guards follow them and fire away. Kyle finds shelter behind a red sofa tattered from the gunfire, but Kenny isn't with him Kyle: [pulls out a yellow toy car] Stupid talent agents! Scene Description: Kyle looks up from behind the sofa and throws the car towards the gunmen. One of them slips on it and flies out a window, the other slips on it and falls back onto the mansion's fuse box. He gets electrocuted Kyle: [stirs] All right, Kenny, let's go! [stops when nothing happens, then looks] Kenny? [the camera pulls back to show Kenny, shot up and bleeding, dead on the floor] Kenny! [walks over to Kenny with his arms open] Don't worry, Kenny. You didn't die for nothing. [hugs Kenny, sobbing] We're gonna get Wing back as our client and... and make a ton of money! I swear it to you! Scene Description: Kyle hugs Kenny again. Cartman and Stan enter the room where Wing is being held. Cartman again opens fire and three guards fire back. Kyle enters the room with his own gun and fires at the guards Kyle: They killed Kenny! Stan: You bastards! Tong leader: Enough! [comes into view with a gun to Wing's head] I have a lot of respect for you boys finding your way in here. But you come any closer and I'll blow her brains out. Cartman: Don't give us that crap! She's no good to you dead and you know it! Stan: Yeah, you wouldn't kill her, 'cause then she can't pay you money! We know because we're in the same business you are! Tong leader: This woman has a contract with us! We own her! Kyle: She had a contract with us first! We own her! Tong leader: Her life belongs to us! Kyle: Her life belongs to us! Stan: [intervening] Guys! Guys! Guys! Don't you see what we're doing? Jesus... we're not talking about an object here, we're, we're talking about a person. I mean, look at what we've all become. All this violence and anger and, and for what? For control over somebody's life who... w-we're all just trying to leech off of. Kyle: Yeah. Stan: Wing doesn't belong to us or to you. We're all just caught up in a business that treats people like commodities. Tong leader: [releases his grip on Wing and lowers his gun] Perhaps... you're right. We spend all this time... mooching off the hopes and dreams of others, forgetting that they are human beings. Kyle: Yeah. It's not a very satisfying feeling. Tong leader: [sighs deeply and turns around] I am tired of this business. It is a very dirty and perverse business. Stan: It's a lousy business. I quit. Kyle: Me too. Cartman: Aw aw guys, come on! Tong leader: We quit too. [his guards lower their weapons] It's time for us to find another way to make money. From now on, all contracts we have on people are null and void. Stan, Kyle: All right! Scene Description: Stallone's mansion, next day. He gets on stage to ...um, mumble Producer: [interpreting] Mr. Stallone thanks all of you for coming to his son's wedding. And now as a special treat, it is his pleasure to give you the music of... Wing! [cheers and applause as she takes the stage to sing "Sing A Song"] Wing: Sing, sing a song, make it simple, to last your whole life long... Mr. Kim: [seated at a table with the Tong leader and the boys] Boys, thank you so much for eveything. You rearry helped us out. Tong leader: Yes, you were right, kids. Her voice is so beautiful. ["Don't worry if it's not good enough..."] To think we would have made it so nobody would ever hear her sing. ["...for anyone else to hear."] Stan: I think we all learned it's best to leave talent to the talented people. ["Just sing..." Token appears in the background] Token: Send a cress in your plates, folks? ["Sing a song..."] Kyle: [notices] Token? Token: [notices] Oh... Hey guys. [walks up to the table] What, what are you doin' here? Cartman: Token, you're... waiting tables? Token: Yeah. Well, it turns out an agency doesn't really do anything for you. ["Sing, sing a song"] I'm trying to work my way back home. Cartman: Aw man, that's too bad, Token. Hey, could you bring us some more bread, huh? Oh and some more olive oil. Chop chop! ["make it simple, to last your whole life long." Token walks off ] Tong leader: My God, her voice is sooo beautiful! ["Don't worry if it's not good enough..."] Mr. Kim: Yeah, she's a very dericate rittle flower. ["for anyone else to hear." gets up and screams at her] Wing: Sing, sing a song.

Scene Description: Early dawn over Cartman's house. Liane is still sleeping. Cartman runs into his mother's bedroom Cartman: Mom! Mom! Get up, we have to go! [moves to the foot of the bed] MOM, GET UP! Liane: [sits up, feeling sleepy] Oh, Poopie-kins, it's very early. Cartman: [goes to the other side of the bed and draws close to her face] Mom, I told you! The new Sony PSP game machines go on sale at seven a.m. today. I have to be the first to get one! [turns on her light] Come on! [goes back to the door] Liane: [still sleepy] Sweetie, can't we go after school? Cartman: Everyone's moms are taking their kids after school! We're outsmarting everyone by getting to the store right when it opens! Let's go! Scene Description: Liane's car, some time later. She and Cartman drive along, Cartman bouncing happily in his seat Cartman: I can't wait to see the look on everyone's faces when I show up to school with a PSP! I wonder if Kyle will cry? Oh PLEASE let Kyle cry! [they pull up to the curb and stop. Cartman gets out of the car] WHAT THE HELL?! Scene Description: Before them is a long line of people in front of Luau's Toys waiting for the PSP. The camera reaches the front of the line only to find Kenny right at the front door. He's the first one in line. Cartman approaches Kenny Cartman: Kenny, when did you get here? Kenny: [looks at his watch](Friday) Cartman: Friday?! Aw, Jesus! [he switches tactics] I'll just... sort of get in here- in here. [gets in line between Kenny and the Goth Kids] Tall goth: Hey dickhole! What do you think you're doing? Cartman: Uh, my friend Kenny was saving my place in line. Sixth grader: There's no saving place, fourthie! Get to the back or we'll beat your face in! Cartman: Oh, Goddammit! [moves to the back of the line] They'd better not sell out! Scene Description: The bus stop, later in the day. Kenny is playing with his PSP as Stan and Kyle look on. Stan and Kyle weren't in line Kyle: That thing is pretty cool. What games did you get with it? Stan: [answering for Kenny] It's a game called "Heaven versus Hell." Kenny commands the armies of heaven against the forces of Satan. [Cartman walks up to the other boys, but he's quite upset. He crosses his arms] Dude, you see what Kenny got? Cartman: YES YES, I KNOW! UP YOURS, KYLE! [Cartman folds his arms] Kyle: Wuh what'd I do? Cartman: JUST SHUT YOUR JEW MOUTH!!! Game voice: "Congratulations! You have reached ...level nine!" Kyle: Wow, level nine already? Dude, you kick ass in "Heaven versus Hell." Stan: Yeah, Kenny finally found something he's really good at. Scene Description: A montage follows. Kenny is seen in class playing on his PSP, then in the cafeteria, then in the playground, then in his bedroom at night. He reaches level 24. He's then seen at the amusement park with his family, still playing with his PSP, then in "The Mine Shaft" roller coaster, where he reaches level 45. He's seen on the bus playing on his PSP while the other students are having fun, then in Le Bijou playing while Stan and Kyle watch a movie, then on the sidewalk passing some hot babes - he doesn't look up to acknowledge them, then in his bed again at night. He reaches level 54. Scene Description: Kenny's house, day, the kitchen. He's still playing on his PSP Carol: Kenny? Kenny, are you still playin' with that thing? [Yep] Kenny, it's been two weeks and you've done nothin' else! Kenny: (I could get to level sixty!) Carol: Who cares if you almost made it to level sixty?! You're wastin' your life, Kenny! If you died tomorrow, what would you have to show for it?! You're gonna end up wishin' you'd done more with your life, just like your dead-beat father! Stuart: [offscreen] Hey, I heard that, bitch! Carol: I wasn't talkin' to you, asshole!! [Kenny leaves, having tuned her out all the while] Stuart: [offscreen] How about I come in there and kick your teeth in! Carol: I'd like to see you try! Scene Description: Kenny leaves the house and goes to the sidewalk. His parents continue arguing inside. Stuart: Goddamnit, do you have to smart off at me in my own house?! Carol: It's my house too, you no-good loser! Game voice: You have reached level sixty! Kenny: [starts jumping around excited] (Yes! Woohoo! I did it! I reached level s-!) [an ice-cream truck runs over him. The driver misses this, as he's playing on his own PSP] Driver: Oh yeah, level four, sweet! Scene Description: The street. Kenny's body lies on the road. Eventually his ghost rises out of his body Kenny: (Hey, that's odd.) [He rises up in the air.] (Hey, I'm floating. That can't be! Hey wait!) [he then speaks too fast to decipher, but he toes towards heaven.] Scene Description: He reaches heaven, right side up, and bounces once before landing. He walks towards a giant golden gate Angel 1: Open the gate! Angel 2: Open the gate! [the gates open and an elderly man walks towards Kenny. Kenny shields his eyes from the bright rays.] Peter: Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven, Kenny. I am Peter. Kenny: (What the fuck is going on?) Peter: There isn't much time, Kenny. You're dead, but, your death was no accident. Heaven needs you. Kenny: (Me?) Peter: Come! There is much to discuss. [they both enter and behold a gleaming city on a hill. Inside, the city has all the appearance of a super-basilica, built with gold and marble. Angels flit around doing stuff] Things are not good in Heaven, Kenny. Satan is planning a massive attack and he knows we are too few in number to stop him! God has changed the rules here. For ages, only Mormons were allowed into Heaven. [they pass the Mormons, who greet them] But knowing that Hell was becoming much larger, God decided to let more people cross over so that he could build an army as well, an army that YOU must command. Kenny: (That I what?) Peter: The Sony PSP was built by God, to determine who on Earth had the best skills to defeat the armies of Satan. You... are the best. YOU, are the only hope for the universe. Scene Description: In a great courtyard outside the super-basilica. An angel addresses the others Angel 3: Satan's army grows as we speak. The Dark Lord knows that our armies are few in number, and unorganized. So our only hope... is perfect strategy. [steps aside to show Kenny off] Angel 4: A child? This is God's solution? Peter: He beat Satan's army in over three thousand separate simulations. Angel 4: Archangel Michael, what say you? Michael: [looks out into space, then turns around] The child did something none of us could: Reach level sixty on the PSP. Now I don't know if that's luck or perseverance, but it's Goddamned impressive. All right, Kenny, let me show you what we're up against. [two other angels roll a chalkboard to him, and he begins drawing up strategies.] This is the Kingdom of Heaven. Satan's armies will attack the gate ...here. They are... ten billion in number. Maybe more. [sniffs the fumes from the Sharpie] Our armies are here, here, and here. Just under... ten thousand strong. [sniffs again] We are outnumbered and in need of someone who can single handedly bring the whole Dark Empire down. Basically, Kenny, you... are Keanu Reeves. [Kenny just sits there.] Scene Description: Hell. Satan's armies mill about, the troops arm each other. Satan addresses them Satan: My fellow damned souls! Now is the time for our assault! [with him is a small hooded figure] You know no fear! You will drink the blood of angels! We go now! Nothing can stop us! Angel 5: Step aside! Step aside, I say! [stops when he sees Satan] Satan! God has mocked thee once again! Satan: My spy! Angel 5: God has found a way to defeat your army. Satan: Impossible! How?! Angel 5: A young man. Basically, he-he's like Keanu Reeves. Satan: [slumps down in his throne] Oh Jesus Christ. Hooded figure: My Lord. My Lord, we must attack, now! Satan: What's the point?! They have a Keanu Reeves now. Hooded figure: Do not fear, my Lord. Your army is great! Satan: Very well. [rises and addresses his army] Demon Army, begin your march on Heaven! [a loud roar comes up from the army] Scene Description: Michael and Kenny walk to one of the ramparts and look out over Heaven Michael: Up here, you get the best tactical view to protect the fortress. It is from here, Kenny, that you shall command the armies of heaven. Kenny: (All right. How am I supposed to do that?) Angel 6: Simple. You will use... this. [bows towards a chair and backs off. A golden PSP descends onto the chair] Michael: [gets the PSP and shows it to Kenny] This golden PSP is king of all PSPs. Angels: Hail the holy PSP. Michael: It works just like the ones we sent to Earth. All the commands you make will be sent to the troops down on the battlefield. All you have to do is play the game, Kenny. Only this time, It's for reals. Angel 7: Gabriel returns with news! Gabriel: Hell's army is departing! They head now for the Gates of Heaven. Michael: Prepare the troops! [the angels take off] We must be ready for them! [walks up to Kenny] The time is at hand, Kenny. The stage is set and the final battle between Heaven and Hell is about to begin! The fate of the outcome is in your hands. [Kenny vanishes. The angels notice] Where'd he go? Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital. The paddles have been taken to Kenny and fired away. Female nurse: Doctor! Doctor, we have a pulse! Doctor: Then that's it! We brought him back. Male nurse: Amazing, doctor! You've revived somebody who's been legally dead for almost a day! Doctor: Call the parents. They're going to be shocked to find out... their son is alive. Scene Description: Hell's Pass, later Doctor: It's the latest in electro-plastilical science. Your son's organs are all functioning again. Stuart: It's a miracle... Kenny, you're alive. Doctor: I'm afraid he can't respond to you. You see, being dead for that long, most of Kenny's brain cells died from lack of oxygen. Your son is alive, but, in what we call a "persistent vegetative state." Carol: Will he ever recover? Doctor: I'm afraid no. Brain cells cannot be repaired once dead. But his soul is still in here. [places his hand on Kenny's chest] Almost... trapped in here, if you will. Kenny is the same as he ever was. It's just that, now, he's more like ...a tomato. Stuart: He can't more on his own-ah how will he eat? Doctor: A feeding tube. It pumps a nutrient paste directly into Kenny's stomach. With it we can actually keep Kenny the tomato alive for years. Scene Description: Back in Heaven, business goes on as usual Michael: [reading a scroll] A feeding tube?! Gabriel: Yes. Apparently they're using machines to keep them alive. Michael: But... that's not natural. God intended Kenny to die! What are these people doing?! Angel 3: The child's soul is now trapped inside his vegetative body. We have no one to command the troops with the PSP. Gabriel: And Satan's armies are approaching. Michael: Oh, Goddammit. Scene Description: A brick building. Inside, a lawyer sees the four boys. Lawyer: Boys I want to thank you for coming down to my office on such short notice. [the boys are shocked] Stan: Are we in trouble or something? Lawyer: No. Boys, I'm a lawyer. Your friend Kenny has passed away and I've called you here to read his will. Kyle: Kenny had a will? Lawyer: [clears his throat] "In the highly likely event of my death, I, Kenny McCormick, wish to leave all my belongings to my good friends, Stan and Kyle. Dudes, you were the friends a guy could have." Stan: Oh wow... Kyle: That's... really touching. Cartman: (looking bored) Fags! Lawyer: To Eric Cartman: "Eric, I never really liked you. But then, nobody does. You have no ability to feel, and you are going to die alone and miserable. It is only because I feel so sorry for you that I leave you my Sony PSP." Cartman: [suddenly excited and cocky] Oh yeah! Oh yeah, baby! Who the man? Who the man? Lawyer: There is one more thing I would like to ask you all, as my friends. If I should ever be in a vegetative state and kept alive on life-support, please,... [Cartman is still dancing. The lawyer reaches the last page and... can't fine it] Stan: Please what? Lawyer: I don't know. I lost the last page. Cartman: Who cares? Kenny's dead! [rushes up to the lawyer's desk] When do I take possession of my PSP, sir? Lawyer: [pulls up a box from nowhere and puts it on his desk] It's right here, along with Kenny's other belongings. They're all yours. Cartman: [salivating] Yes! Man: [enters the office] He's alive! Stan: What? Man: Kenny McCormick! He's alive at the hospital! [leaves] Kyle: Oh my God! [he and Stan rush out of there, leaving Cartman incredulous] Scene Description: Satan's armies continue their march to Heaven. Satan looks on through his crystal ball Hooded figure: Your army nears the Kingdom of Heaven, my Lord. Satan: I don't know if we should continue without knowing more about this Keanu Reeves God has. Spy angel: Satan! I come bearing good news! The Keanu Reeves boy has been revived on Earth! His soul is no longer in Heaven. Satan: [whispers] Then God is helpless. [aloud] Full march, to the Gates of Heaven! Victory is ours! Scene Description: The boys reached Hell's Pass and enter Kenny's recovery room Stan: Kenny? Kyle: Kenny! You're alive! Stan: Dude, how'd you do that? Doctor: He can't respond to you, boys. Being dead for that long caused severe damage to his brain. Cartman: Well... well then he's NOT alive. Carol: He's alive. He-ee smiles when I talk to him. I think... Cartman: That's not Kenny. Kenny sniffs paint and sets things on fire! Here, look. [climbs onto Kenny's bed and holds out a $1 bill] Kenny, Kenny look. Want a dollar? Stuart: I-I don't know if it's right to keep Kenny alive on that machine. I-I just... I don't know what he would want. Stan: Yeah, the lawyer lost that page. Cartman: Oh, I just remembered! Kenny told me this one time, that he wouldn't wanna be kept alive via feeding tube. Carol: He did? When? Cartman: Um, it was um, this one time... Kyle: He did not say that! You just want him dead so you can have his stupid PSP! Cartman: Stupid? PSP is stupid?! [steps forth] Did you all hear that? [steps back to his little group] Uh I mean, I mean this isn't about PSP, Kyle! This is about my friend, and his wishes. And Kenny said he didn't want to live like this! Kyle: He did not! Cartman: Did so! Kyle: Did not! Cartman: Fine! We'll see about this, you freakin' Jew! [moves towards the door] I'm gonna get that feeding tube removed if I have to go all the way to the Supreme Court! [runs out] Scene Description: Heaven. The angels mill around inside the fortress Peter: Satan's army has crossed over the Plains of Limbo! Gabriel: Then they will be here on the morrow. Without Kenny's soul here there will be nobody who can use the holy PSP. Uriel: No! There is another. A Japanese boy did make it to level fifty-nine. Michael: [thinks for a moment] Are you stupid, Uriel? Japanese people don't have souls! Angel 9: Yeah Angel 10: Yeah Angel 11: Yeah Angel 12: Yeah, Uriel! Uriel: Oh, right right, I'm sorry Michael: Kenny remains our only hope! Here is what we must do. [walks up to the chalkboard and starts writing] Gabriel and Uriel, you go down to Earth and try to get that feeding tube removed. In the meantime [sniffs those Sharpie fumes] we will put all our troops at Heaven's Gate. We will try to keep Hell's Army from breaking through as long as possible. [sniffs those Sharpie fumes] Hopefully, it will be long enough to get our Keanu Reeves back. Scene Description: The Colorado Supreme Court, day. Cartman: You see your honor, I was the only one that Kenny McCormick told his wishes to. And Kenny told me specifically that he would never want to be kept alive on a machine. What they're doing to him ...is not right. Chief Justice: Well I'm sorry, young man, but the parents want their child kept alive. I don't believe you have any legal authority here. Cartman: I do have legal authority, your honor. You see, I was Kenny's... BFF. Judge 2: Best friends forever? Cartman: That's right. Kenny and I have been BFFs since first grade. Here, look. [brings forth a necklace with the left half of a BFF heart medallion] Kenny has the other half of this BFF necklace. I believe you all know what that means, and how serious this is. Scene Description: Hell's Pass hospital, Kenny's room. Kenny's parents keep vigil with Stan and Kyle. Carol: Look, Kenny, your friends are here to visit you again. Doctor: [entering with a policeman] But this just doesn't seem right. Stuart: Wha, what's the matter, doctor? Doctor: I'm afraid I've been given a court order to remove Kenny's feeding tube. Carol: What? Cartman: [comes in with the Chief Justice] He's right in here. Kyle: Cartman! Chief Justice: Kenny's BFF says that Kenny didn't want to be kept alive artificially. The courts have determined we must obey his wish. Kyle: Cartman is NOT Kenny's BFF! Police officer: Sir, take a look at this. [has Kenny's necklace in hand and points to the other half of the BFF medallion. the justice walks over the officer puts the two halves together] Chief Justice: [steps back] That's all the verification we need. Pull the feeding tube, doctor. Carol: No doctor! You can't! Doctor: I'm sorry. I have no choice. [pulls the tube and drops it on the floor] Scene Description: Hell's Pass hospital, outside. Uriel and Gabriel arrive Gabriel: Here is the hospital Uriel: [the blonde angel without a shirt] This is hopeless, Gabriel. We cannot interact with anything on Earth, how could we possibly get a feeding tube removed? Kyle: [exiting the hospital with Stan] That dirty no-good sonofabitch! Stan: Now that Cartman got Kenny's feeding tube out, he's gonna die for sure! [they walk through the angels, then the angels turn around] Gabriel: The tube has been removed? Kyle: How can they let an eight-year-old decide Kenny's fate? Uriel: Apparently, some blessed child has done our work for us. Gabriel: Good. Now all we must do is pray nobody interferes with the child's death a second time. Kyle: Dude, we have to do whatever we can to get that feeding tube put back in! Stan: Yeah! Gabriel: No! Stan: Let's go to the, uh, media. We'll make everyone in the country know that they're killing Kenny. Kyle: Yeah, come on! [grabs Kyle and they go away] Uriel: No! No, no boys! Aw Goddammit! [the angels follow] Scene Description: HBC World News. Splashy graphics. Anchor: This is HBC News. A right-to-die case debate is heating up in Colorado, [Kenny is shown] where Kenny McCormick's feeding tube has been removed by his BFF. [a choked-up Cartman shows his half of the BFF medallion] Two boys are bringing national attention to this story by protesting outside the hospital. Scene Description: Hell's Pass hospital, outside. The protest has begun Stan: Don't kill Kenny! All: You bastards! Stan: Don't kill Kenny! All: You bastards! Uriel: [drifting through the crowd] No! No, they're not killing him, they're letting him die! Skeeter: You bureaucrats have no right to play God and take that tube out! Gabriel: Nono, see, they were playing God when they put the feeding tube IN! Anchor: A woman was arrested for trying to bring food to the patient. [Two officers haul Mrs. Garrison out of the emergency room] Mrs. Garrison: Get your man-hands off of me! Anchor: However, a growing number of people are also standing behind Kenny's BFF, Eric Cartman. Man 1: [in a crowd of people wearing BFF chains] We must respect the wishes of people's BFFs. Otherwise, all our BFF necklaces would become meaningless Man 2: We all have BFFs, and we believe that a BFF is the highest legal authority. Cartman: That's right. Respect our authoritah. Scene Description: Satan watches on his TV, which is much nicer than the one in his bedroom. The hooded figure stands nearby Satan: What mockery is this?! Hooded figure: My Lord... Satan: The feeding tube has been pulled! If the child dies and his soul returns to Heaven, God will have his Keanu Reeves! Hooded figure: Perhaps the child won't die in time. Satan: Forget it! I'm calling the attack off! Hooded figure: No! Keep your army marching, my Lord. I will get that feeding tube put back in. [turns and walks off] Satan: How? Hooded figure: I will do what we always do: Use the Republicans. Scene Description: The White House, a press conference on the lawn. People carry signs saying "Kenny Is Alive" "Murder Is Not A Choice" and "Don't Kill Kenny" George Bush: We Republicans are deeply saddened by the tragic events in Colorado. [the crowd cheers] Hooded figure: [appears and whispers into Bush's right ear] Removing the feeding tube is murder, hughughughughughugh... George Bush: Removing the feeding tube is murder! Hooded figure: [whispers into Bush's left ear] Who are we to decide if Kenny should live or die? George Bush: Who are we to decide if Kenny should live or die? Hooded figure: [whispers into Bush's right ear] It is God's will that he live! George Bush: It is God's will that he LIVE! [the hooded figure hisses into Bush's left ear] Haaghaghaghaghaghagha... Hooded figure: No no, you don't say that part. [hisses into Bush's right ear] George Bush: No no, you don't say that part, haghaghaghagha. [the crowd looks at him in stunned silence] Scene Description: Heaven's Gate. The armies of Hell converge in front of it Angel 9: Jesus, their army is massive. Angel 10: Heaven help us. Scene Description: HBC World News. Anchor: The biggest battle of all time is about to begin: the battle of the feeding tube! As people on both sides of the argument vie for media attention. Scene Description: Kenny's hospital room. Both sides of the controversy chatter away Kyle: We want all the country to see that Kenny is alive, and in pain! Cartman: I believe the people at home see he's NOT in pain because he's a tomato! Kyle: You say tomato, but I say Kenny! Cartman: You say Kenny, but I say tomato! [both sides yell at each other] Cartman's Side: Tomato! Kyle's Side: Kenny! Kenny! Cartman's Side: Tomato! Judge: [The executioner of Kenny's will] Uuhh, excuse me. I uh, just found the last page of Kenny's will. [Everyone quiets down] Cartman: What? Judge: I found the page where Kenny specified his wishes about being on life support. Stan: Well, what does it say? Judge: [clears his throat] If I should ever be in a vegetative state and kept alive on life support, please... [flips to the last page] for the love of God, don't ever show me in that condition on national television. [not a word is uttered for a few seconds] Stan: Oooo. Man: Oowhoops Kyle: Oh geez. Maybe we let this thing get out of hand. This issue is so complicated, but... m-maybe we sh-should just let Kenny go in peace. Stan: You mean, Cartman's side is right? Kyle: Cartman's side is right, for the wrong reasons. But we're wrong, for the right reasons. Both sides: Yeah. Kyle: Come on, everybody. I think Kenny wants to be left alone. [everyone walks out.] Scene Description: HBC World News. Anchor: We've just received word that Kenny McCormick... has passed away. The debate still rages on in America, but at least now, Kenny... is in a much more peaceful place. Scene Description: Heaven, inside the fortress. Angels scurry around in a panic Angel 11: The armies of Satan have already broken through the gate! Angel 12: We're gonna die!!! Michael: Send our troops to the battlefield! I'll command as best I can! Gabriel: Michael! Michael! [he and Uriel bring Kenny to Michael] The humans finally did the right thing! Michael: Oh my God, they killed Kenny! Get him into the command station! Hurry! [Uriel and Gabriel sit Kenny down and strap him in] Satan's army charges! Tell our troops what to do, Kenny! [Kenny sets to work on the Golden PSP, manning the controls like a pro] So it begins. [Gabriel and Uriel leave Kenny to his task and fly off. The camera focuses on Michael] Now we shall see the final battle between Heaven and Hell play out! [Kenny continues playing, and Michael provides commentary] Yesss, good, Kenny! The angel spearmen are taking out their demon soul rippers! Oh, the cavalry angels are clashing with their Black Knights! Oh my God! My God, this battle is epic! Ohh, they're bringing in their demon dragons! Look at the size of them! My God, this is even bigger than the final battle in the Lord of the Rings movie! It's like, it's like TEN times bigger than that battle! Scene Description: Hell. Satan is watching the battle through his crystal ball Satan: No! NO! How are we losing?! [the spy angel returns] Spy angel: The child's soul is in Heaven! God has his secret weapon! Satan: Full retreat! Hooded figure: Patience, my Lord! Satan: No, Kevin! [turns and glares at him] That's it! I'm breaking up with you! [one blast from his eyes and Kevin is dead] Scene Description: Heaven. Kenny's still at it Michael: Yesss. Yes, Kenny! Satan's forces are retreating! This is TRULY a sight to behold! OH I wish I had a camcorder! [Kenny continues to play] We have done it! We have defeated the armies of Satan! [the angels in the battlefield look around and celebrate weakly. The angels then gather around Kenny, and Peter joins them.] Peter: Kenny! Bless your soul! You've saved all of Heaven! Michael: Yes, Kenny! And to thank you for all you've done, we are going to give you a very special gift. For saving the entire universe from the forces of evil, we give you this. [two angels haul something into view] Keanu Reeves' statue. [a ten-foot statue of Keanu Reeves on a three-foot base] Congratulations. [everyone claps for him]

Scene Description: A baseball field in scenic Rocky Mountain territory. Stan is on the pitching mound Kyle: [infield, right] This is it, Stan. If you strike this kid out, we all get to go home. Scene Description: Announcer's booth Local announcer 1: Now batting for Conifer is little Allen Varcas. [Allen gets ready to swing] Scene Description: The bleachers Randy: Heeey batterbatterbatterbatter heydn no hit no hit can't hit can't hit can't hit it can't hit it can't hit it. Mr. Varcas: Hit it out of the park, Allen! South Park sucks! Roger: Just look at those boys out there, lovin' the great game of baseball like we did when we were kids. [sips] Scene Description: the field Kyle: Aw God, I'm so borrred. [Token yawns over at first base] Butters: I see a ladybug- Hello lady ladybug. [Stan simple stretches out his left arm and catches the ball, then pitches it to Alan. Alan swings and misses] Umpire: Strike. Mr. Varcas: That was no strike! What the hell is wrong with you, ref? Randy: Good call, ref! Good call! Mr. Varcas: Come on, Allen! This pitcher throws like a girl! Randy: What'd you say?! Mr. Varcas: You heard me, asshole! Randy: You want me to kick your ass right here?! [Mr. Barkas stands and looks at him] Sharon: Randy, sit down. Mr. Varcas: You want a piece of me?! 'Cause I'm pretty sick of your Goddamned mouth! Randy: [takes off his shirt and throws it aside and challengers] Whattaya wanna do, huh? Whattaya wanna do? Sharon: Randy, don't! Mr. Varcas: You'd better shut up, asshole! Randy: I'm standin' right here! How do you wanna handle it? Mr. Varcas: I told you to SHUT UP! [throws his beer at Randy. Randy takes his beer and throws it at Mr. Barkas. They start fighting back and forth. Stan looks on from the pitcher's mound] Stan: [turns away and hides his face in his right hand] Aw Jesus, not again. Kyle: Come on, Stan! Just strike this kid out so we can end the season! [Stan puts on his game face and throws the pitch. Alan swings and misses] Umpire: Strike three! You're out! Stan: Yes! It's over! It's over! Local announcer 1: That's it. South Park wins the game 4 to 0. Cartman: [runs to the mound] We're done! No more baseball! Kyle: No more boring baseball until next year! Stan: We can start having fun again! [falls to the ground and rolls around] Cartman: All right, we did it! [the rest of the team shows up and celebrates] Stan: We did it! We did it! Steven: [as the coach, arrives] Yeah, we did it, boys! We did it! We're going to the finals! Woohoo! [the boys stop cheering and look at him] Stan: ... What? Steven: Well we won! That means we've got the best record in the division! [the parents rush onto the field] Gerald: Congratulations, boys! You're goin' on to the post-season. Woohoo! Cartman: Post-season? Kyle: Nobody said anything about a post-season. Tom: [Craig's Dad] There's more little-league baseball for South Park! Yehheah! [the adults begin celebrating while the kids are dumb-struck] Stan: No... NOOO!! Scene Description: Outside, after the game. Randy is hauled off to a waiting Conifer patrol car, drunk and tattered. His pants are down to his ankles Randy: This is for what?! Arresting me for what?! I'm not allowed to stand up for myself?! I thought this was America! Huh?! Isn't this America?! I'm sorry, I thought this was America! [he's put into the back seat] Scene Description: Whistlin' Willy's, night. The boys are gathered there for a pizza dinner Kyle: I can't believe it. I can't believe we have to keep on playing. Cartman: Nobody told us if we win too many games we'd go on to the finals! Stan: Look, you guys, maybe it's not all that bad. Craig: Not all that bad? How could you say that?! You hate this game more than any of us! Stan: I know, but listen: the finals are all sudden-death elimination, right? That means as soon as we lose one game, our season is over. Butters: Well yeah, but... we usually win. Craig: All the other teams are worse than us. Jimmy: Yeah. Let's face it, we're winners. Stan: I know we can lose if we try. Kyle: You mean, throw the game? You know how our parents are about this sport. Butters: Yeah. My dad always said "It's Okay to lose, but if you don't try, wuh you're grounded, Mister." The other boys: Yeah, uh huh. Stan: Okay, so then we'll just tell the other team quietly that we're gonna let them win, and then we'll act like we're trying. Our parents will never know. Butters: We'd better hope they never know, or else there's gonna be heck to pay. Heck, I tell ya! Scene Description: At the entrance of Whistlin' Willy's, the adults are gathered, relaxing Gerald: Boy, that was great, wasn't it?! Roger: Yeah, our boys really stuck it to 'em! [the doors open and Randy walks in] Randy: Heeey! Men: Heeey! Steven: You're out. [hands Randy a beer] Gerald: How much was bail this time? [hands Randy a beer] Stan: Hundred bucks, no big whoop. Richard: Boy, you really beat the crap out of that Conifer dad. Randy: Well somebody had to put that knucklehead in his place. Steven: Yeah, well, you'd better watch yourself in the playoffs. Randy: Wha-what do you mean? Steven: I mean, you always get in a fight with scrappy redneck dats up here in the mountains, but some of those Division Two dads are tough! Gerald: Yeah, those dads get REALLY drunk and obnoxious. Randy: I can fight anybody. I just need to train. I just need to get in the best shape of my life. Scene Description: The master bedroom at the Marsh house. The alarm clock clicks 7:30 and the radio comes on DJ: ...the Beatles in the White Album in Helter Skelter. Okay- [Randy clicks the radio off] Scene Description: Randy rises from the bed and sits up, leaves the bed and shrugs, and wipes his nose a bit. He enters the kitchen, gets a glass, then goes to the refrigerator. He gets three eggs, cracks them open on the rim of the glass, and pours them into the glass. He picks up the glass and moves off a bit, then pours the eggs into a hot pan and scrambles them. He then picks up a beer, drinks, burps, and farts Scene Description: Fort Collins baseball field, night FC announcer: We want to welcome all South Park parents to Fort Collins, and the Little League Division One Playoffs. [applause all around as the teams meet on the field] Stan: Uhh, hay guys, look, we don't wanna win, so uh, [pulls out a yellow sheet of paper] here's a list of all the pitches I'm gonna throw, in order. FC team: Ooooo! FC fat player: I don't think so, South Park FC pitcher: Yeah, you think we wanna win? Then we have to keep playing this boring game! FC team: Yeah! Kyle: You hate this game too? FC batter: Yeah! And then we won the stupid regionals and had to do this lousy-ass tournament! FC catcher: We wanna play video games. Butters: Oh no! Stan: Look! We're gonna be the losers tonight, all right?! FC pitcher: I don't think so! There's no way you can lose to us! We're going doowwn! We're gonna get creeaamed! Kyle: No, we're gonna get creamed! FC batter: We'll just see about that! SP team: Oh yeah? FC team: Yeah! Randy: Oh boy, they're really gettin' into each other's heads out there. [standa and claps] Yeah! Let's go, South Park! These Fort Collins kids got nothin'! Wooo! Mr. Pratt: [claps] Come on, Fort Collins! Let 'em have it! Yeah! Randy: [nudges Sharon] Guess that's my guy. I can take him, no problem. [drinks. On the field, Fort Collins is up at bat] Cartman: All right, hit one out of the park! FC announcer: And first up for Fort Collins is... Morgan Pratt. Randy: Heeey batterbatterbatterbatter batteruuuuuuuupp batterbatterbatterbatter! Mr. Pratt: Knock it out of the park, Morgan! Cream these turds! [Morgan gets ready to swing, Stan sends his pitch and Cartman catches. Morgan does not swing] Umpire: Steerike! Randy: Yeah! FC team: Yeah, all right! Stan: Damnit! Cartman: [sends the ball back to Stan] Come on, kid, you gotta at least swing at it. Morgan: No way! I'm striking out! Kyle: Dude, he's not gonna swing! So just throw balls. That way he'll have to walk to first base. [Stan thinks, then throws the pitch. It goes wide and Cartman catches it] Umpire: Ball! Cartman: All right! [throws it back to Stan] FC pitcher: Morgan! Morgan: [looks over] What? FC pitcher: You have to swing when it's a ball, otherwise, you're gonna walk to first base. Don't swing, only if it's a strike! Morgan: [faces the dugout] Well how the Sam Hell am I supposed to know if he's gonna be throwing a strike or a ball?! FC pitcher: You just have to guess. Morgan: Aw, Jesus! [turns around and goes back to bat. Stan looks to Cartman for cues] Cartman: Ball. Balll. [Stan pitches right down the middle] Umpire: Steerike two! Stan: No! Cartman: That was no strike, that was a terrible pitch! You need some Goddamned lasik surgery! Randy: Attaway, South Park! They ain't swingin' at nothin'! Mr. Pratt: Come on Fort Collins! This team can't pitch! [Stan pitches, Morgan hits] There you go, Morgan! Run run run! Morgan: Aw damnit! [heads to first base] FC pitcher: Why the hell did you swing at it?! Morgan: Well I thought he was gonna throw a ball that time! [Fort Collins is ahead 1-0. Another FC batter comes up...] Umpire: Strike three! You're out! FC batter 1: All right! Scene Description: Later. Fort Collins is pitching; The pitch is wide as Cartman waits at bat Umpire: Ball four! Cartman: What?! Randy: Walk to first! Woo! Cartman: [throws his bat down and walks] Aw Goddamnit! [as Cartman walks to first, anotherr SP runner walks home] Umpire: Safe! Kyle: Crud! [the scorekeeper updates the board] Randy: Fort Collins can't play! Mr. Pratt: Why don't you shut your mouth before I kick your ass! Randy: [gets up and takes off his shirt] Come on, let's go! I'm right here! Sharon: Randy... Mr. Pratt: Sit down before you get hurt! [Randy throws his beer at him] Mother bitch! [the two men begin fighting on the bleachers] Stan: [sees, turns away and hides his face in his right hand] Goddamnit... [the men have taken the fight to the field and are next to a trashcan. Stan pitches and the FC batter fails to swing] Umpire: Strike three! [The South Park adults stand up and cheer. The next scenes go into time-lapse: more runs are added until the final score is reached: 4 - 3] FC announcer: That's it. South Park wins the game. [the Fort Collins team cheers] Stan: Aw spit! [throws his mitt down on the mound. His father is arrested again with his pants around his ankles and hauled towards a waiting patrol car] Randy: [slurred] Oh I'm sorry! Why don'tcha get 'im on chars in America, I'm sorry! Scene Description: Greeley, CO, day, Greeley Field, home of the Tigers. Stan pitches, the Greeley batter chases a pitch Umpire: Strike three. You're out. Greeley batter: [leaves] Yeah! Greeley team: All right! Yeah! Woohoo! Greeley man: Goddamnit Brian, swing! Randy: Greeley sucks! Greeley sucks! Scene Description: South Park is up. Its batter sees a ball and doesn't swing Umpire: Ball four! Butters: Aw hamburgers. [throws his bat aside] SP team: God! [Randy takes off his shirt, challenges, and the two men begin to fight] Scene Description: on the field. The Greeley batter doesn't swing Umpire: Strike three! Cartman: How the hell was that a strike?! [starts kicking dirt on the umpire] Goddamnit, he's going to first! Scene Description: After the game. Randy is hauled off a third time Randy: What, is this a Communist country or something?! I thought this was America! Scene Description: Pueblo, CO. day. A Pueblo batter swings and misses Umpire: ¡Strrrrike tres! Pueblo team: Bueno bueno! Bueno! Espectacular! Pueblo dad: ¡Vamonos Pueblo! ¡Viva la Pueblo! Randy: [using a Spanish textbook for assistance] ¡Pueblo, no bueno! ¡Pueblo es muy mal! [a pitch is sent to an SP batter, who doesn't swing] Umpire: ¡Ball cuatro, por favor! [the scoreboard is updated, Randy fights with the Pueblo dad and is hauled off a fourth time] Randy: This is America! This is an honest America! Scene Description: Whistlin' Willy's. The team is at table again, but with a trophy they didn't want. The adults begin to approach them Steven: Can you believe it, boys?! We're playing in the State Championship Game! [the adults cheer] Gerald: We're so proud of you kids! Cartman: What happens if we win the State Championship game? Steven: Well, then your whole season starts over, but on the national circuit! You get to spend your whole summer playing baseball! Kyle: What? Mr. Donovan: You could do it, kids! We know you can win State! Steven: Then we'll spend the whole summer going to Nebraska, and to Iowa, and Wyoming. Stan: Oh no. No, no, no! Scene Description: Outside the restaurant, day. Randy stands by the curb looking into space. He has a black eye. The doors open and Stan walks out Stan: Dad? Dad, we need to talk. Randy: [doesn't move] Can you believe it, Stan? State Championship game. It's... the greatest thing ever. Stan: [sighs] Goddamnit. [goes back into the restaurant] Randy: I've worked hard, believed in myself, and now I'm gonna be fighting in a State Championship game. [smiles] This is gonna be the biggest fight of my life. Scene Description: South Park News Announcer: This is News 4, at noon. Scene Description: Coors Field, in Denver Anchor Tom: The Colorado Little League State Championship is being played this week. Two teams of youngsters get to go head to head at the major-league stadium downtown. Reporter: Tom, I'm standing here with the little sluggers and some of their parents, and I can't tell you how excited they are. Stan: I don't suppose you guys want to win this game. Denver player: Win? Why the hell would we want to win? Denver player 2: Yeah. Then we'd have to play this boring game all summer. Reporter: [draws closer to the teams] Little Stan Marsh is the pitcher for the South Park Little League team, and Stan, how does it feel to be playing for the State Championship? Stan: Gay. Reporter: Mr. Marsh, you must be very proud of your son. Randy: They've worked really hard to get here, Chris, and, you know, I don't like to really "trash-talk," but, I don't think Denver has a chance. Reporter Chris: Oho, well, I'm sure some of the Denver kids' parents would disagree with you and your team- Bat dad: [blue headdress and cape, pops in] Oh yeah! Oh yeah! [leaps closer to the camera] South Park is goin' down! Feel it comin'! [humps back to Randy] You ain't got a chance, South Park! Here we go, Denver, here we go! Huh, huh! Sheila: Who's that? A woman: That's Tom Nelson, one of the Denver players' fathers. He goes to every game in that ridiculous outfit and usually drinks too much and gets into a fight. Tom Nelson: There ain't no way some little mountain kids can beat Denver. Not with my son on second base! Reporter Chris: Oho, looks like we got some parental trash talking going on here. Mr. Marsh, any comments? Randy: Well I think that there's a uh... Tom Nelson: Mr. Marsh? Who wants to hear from a Mr. Marsh?! Iii am the ultimate Little League trash-talking father! Iii am the Bat Dad! Denver cop: [one of two come to take him away] All right, Mr. Nelson, let's go, come on. Tom Nelson: Bat Dad knows no fear! Bat Dad knows no pain! I want you, Marsh! I want you!! Reporter Chris: Well, tension is certainly high here, but I guess everything will be decided on the playing field. Randy: [realizing he could end up like that] Oh my God. Denver player 3: Good luck! You're gonna need it. Denver player 4: Yeah, you can't lose to us. We're terrible. [the Denver team leaves, as do all the adults] Kyle: Dude, what are we gonna do? We can't win this game. Cartman: Wiat. I've got it, you guys. A fifth point in a sports movie, the team always goes out and finds a really sweet player to join their team. Clyde: Like that motorcycle kid in Bad News Bears. Cartman: Exactly right, Clyde. So what we need... is to find somebody to join our team, who totally sucks ass. Stan: Hey yeah. We need to find the very worst kid athlete in the whole world. Somebody who can't possibly win. Craig: But who? Kyle: I know who. Scene Description: The airport, day Announcer: Announcing the arrival of flight six seven three, from New York City. [among the people leaving the airport is Kyle's cousin, Kyle] Kyle Schwartz: I'm baaack! Kyle: There he is! Now, don't let him know we think he's a loser, or else he won't play. [the team goes up to greet him] Kyle Schwartz: Hello, cousin Kyle. Oh Jesus, that flight was terrible. They served a chicken dish with hot sauce and it gave me gas. Kyle: Dude, thanks for helping us out by joining our team. Kyle Schwartz: Well, you said you needed my help to win the big game, so here I am. I'll need a wipe cloth if I'm gonna play, though. Sometimes I sweat from holding the bat for so long and then the heat steams up my glasses. Craig: He's perfect. Stan: Yeah, with him on our team, we don't stand a chance. Scene Description: Coors Field. No one is in there except Randy, who walks along the stands looking around. He sees a sign that sais "Colorado Little League State Championship." He moves along. Next, he's at a beach far from Colorado looking at the sunset. He sneaks back into his bedroom as Sharon sleeps, closes the door softly, and sits on the side of the bed. Randy: [softly] ...I'm not gonna go. [Sharon's eyes opem, and she rises a bit] Sharon: What? Randy: Stan's little league game, I'm... I'm not gonna go. Sharon: Why? Randy: I just... don't think I can, all right? Sharon: You don't think you can?! This is the biggest game of your son's life! Why wouldn't you go and support him? What-? [Randy rises and faces her] Randy: Because I'm scared, all right?! [Sharon stays quiet] You wanna break me down?! You wanna hear me say it?! I'm scared! I don't know if I believe in myself anymore. [turns away and bows his head] I don't know if I can take this guy, Sharon. Sharon: So then, don't. You don't have to get in fights with other parents at Little League games! Just sit there and watch! Randy: Look, I get what you're trying to do. You're trying to get me to realize that I have to fight him because it's who I am. Sharon: No, I'm telling you you don't have to get thrown out of games and make an ass of yourself. Randy: I've lost the edge. I'm sorry, Sharon. But you have to take Stan to his Little League game alone. [walks off] Scene Description: Coors Field, day Announcer: Welcome to the Colorado Little League State Championship Game! [the crowd cheers] This must be pretty exciting for these youngsters. A chance to go to the national circuit. [the teams meet at the pitcher's mound] Denver pitcher: You know what these guys look like to me? A bunch of winners! Denver catcher: Yeah! We're about to get our asses kicked! Cartman: I don't think so! You guys are way too good! You're the best at this game! Denver pitcher: You're the best! Kyle: You guys are so good you'll probably go all the way to win the national title! Denver pitcher: Not a chance, 'cause we're gonna lose to you right now! Bat Dad: Here we go, Denver! These South Park kids got nothin' on you! Let's go, Denver! Woman: Chris, will you sit down? Announcer: [in the Press Box] First up to bat for South Park, Kyle Schwartz. [Kyle 1 comes up to bat] Kyle Schwartz: [stands on home plate] Where do I stand? Umpire: R-right over here. [Kyle 1 looks, then goes to one side of the plate with his back to the pitcher. The umpire positions him properly] Kyle Schwartz: Don't throw the ball too fast, because I might get startled and I have asthma. [The pitcher throws the ball. Kyle 1 pulls his bat back] Umpire: Strike 1! SP team: Yeah! All right! Kyle Schwartz: Jesus, not so close! That was three feet from hitting me in the head! Second baseman: He's not gonna swing! Throw balls! Kyle Schwartz: [swings and misses] Oh Jesus! Umpire: Strike 2! SP team: Yeah! Stan: Wow, he IS great at sucking. Cartman: [happily] We're gonna lose! We're gonna lose! Kyle Schwartz: Don't throw it so hard or so close next time! Is it cold out here? I think I need a jacket. [The pitcher squints and focuses on the bat, which says "Barry Bonds" on it. The pitcher throws the ball and hits the bat, which falls out of Kyle Schwartz's hands] Umpire: It's a bunt! Roger: Run kid, run! Kyle Schwartz: Oh Jesus! [runs towards first base] Kyle: Aw crap! [Stan drops. Kyle 1 goes towards second and no one is stopping him. He passes it] Kyle Schwartz: [out of breath] I can't, I can't keep running like this! I have corns in my feet! Steven: Keep running, kid! [one of the SP players has his face buried in his right hand] Bat Dad: Throw the ball to third, you idiots! He's runnin' home! [Kyle 1 heads towards home and passes that] Umpire: Safe! [the crowd cheers and the scoreboard displays him and "HOMERUN!!!!" underneath. Smaller screens on the board display fireworks] Kyle Schwartz: Oh Jesus, did you see that? I hit a homerun! High-five, everybody! [nobody high-fives him] Kyle: Oh my God... their pitcher was able to hit him right on the bat. Stan: Dude, we had it all wrong. While we spent all our time trying to make our team suck, these guys practiced and got really good at sucking. [next pitch: the ball hits the bat again, and the SP runner has to go to first, as it's a bunt. Token goes up. The pitch hits the bat at the top - another bunt] Token: No! Mr. Williams: Yeeaahh! Go Token go! Scene Description: Denver is up to bat Bat Dad: All right, Denver! You're up to bat now! [Butters is waving his hand for some reason, and the Danver batter squints and focuses on Butters' glove. Stan pitches, the batter hits, and Butters catches the ball. He's dismayed to find it in his glove.] Umpire: Out! Denver team: Yaaay! Kyle: Jesus Christ! They can bat themselves out! [the scoreboard is updated in time-lapse: Denver doesn't have a run on there.] Our whole summer, dude. We have to play this boring game all summer long. Butters: [frustrated, takes his cap off and throws it on the ground] Son of a biscuit! Scene Description: Coors field, later Announcer: It's the bottom of the last inning here at Coors Field; the score is South Park 23, Denver 0. [a tired Stan pitches right down the middle and the Denver player doesn't move] Umpire: Strike 1! Bat Dad: Come on, Denver! Get the lead out! Do not cross the Bat Daaad! Gerald: Geez I really wish this guy would shut up. Bat Dad: Why don't you just go home, South Park? You can't beat Denver! A voice: Denver sucks ass! [Bat Dad looks over. Randy has arrived with a tray of five beers. He's ready to rumble. He sits three rows behind Bat Dad, next to Sharon] Come on, South Park! These kids can't play! In fact, these kids are terrible! [Stan pitches, the batter swings after Cartman catches the ball] Umpire: Strike 2! Kyle Schwartz: Oh Jesus, we're gonna win! I I never won a sport before; this is so exciting. Randy: It's over, Denver! South Park whupped your ass! Bat Dad: You'd better shut your mouth before I shut it for you! Randy: [stands up, takes off his shirt, and challenges] What do you wanna do, huh? [Bat Dad climbs over the seats and he and Randy begin to fight, taking it to the aisle] Stan: [sees, turns away and hides his face in his right hand] This can't get any worse. [the two men continue fighting at the bottom of the level and towards the foul pole. Bat Dad picks Randy up and throws him over the railing. Randy bounces off a bench, breaking it in two.] Bat Dad: [stands on the railing and spreads his cape wide open] Now for the finishing move! You're about to be Bat-Dadded! [jumps off, but misses Randy entirely. They end up in the bullpen.] Commentator: It all comes down to this! South Park is just one pitch away from being State Champions. [Bat Dad delivers blow after blow and has Randy on the run] Oh geez, it looks like two parents are fighting. They'd better be careful. The Little League has a no-tolerance policy. Umpire: [comes out of home plate towards the men] Stop! Stop, or you're gonna get your teams disqualified! Stan: [comes off the mound and stands next to Kyle] Disqualified? [looks at Kyle for a few seconds] Fight! Keep fighting! [the fighting continues, and two more umpires enter the picture] Umpire 2: Break it up! Break it up! [the fighting continues. Bat Dad delivers a blow, shown in slow motion. It connects, and Randy falls backwards to the ground] That's enough! The next person that fights is getting his team disqualified! Bat Dad: He's done for anyway. [walks off. Randy rises, slowly] Stan: Come on, Dad! Get up! Kyle: Get up! You have to fight! [Randy is trying] Umpire 2: All right, come on! Let's play ball! SP team: Randy! Randy! Randy! Mickey: Get up, Randy! Get up, ya bum! Sharon: Get up, Randy! Fight! Fight for me! Crowd: Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy: [now standing] Hey Bat Dad! [Bat Dad turns around] I didn't hear no bell. SP team: Yeah! [Randy goes on the attack, delivering blow after blow. The umpire and guard return] Umpire 2: Stop, stop right now! [Randy continues the assault] I'm warning you, sir! [Randy begins singing in falsetto, then knocks Bat Dad to the ground with one final blow.] That's it! That's it! South Park is disqualified! SP team: Yeah! SP adults: Aww! Commentator: South Park has been disqualified from the game! Denver wins! [The South Park team goes over to Randy, take off their hats, and celebrate their defeat. The Denver players are dismayed at this turn of events and throw down their caps. Two Denver officers come in to get Randy] Kyle Schwartz: We... We lost? Randy: [now arrested and turned around] What? I thought this was a free country! [now being escorted out of the Field] Stan: Dad! [the guards let go and Randy turns around] You're the greatest. [Randy leaps for joy!]

Scene Description: Stan's house, night. The boys are in the kitchen sitting at the breakfast table anticipating something. Next to Kenny is a stack of plates Stan: [impatiently tapping the table] Dude, where is she? We can't wait. Kyle: God, this is gonna be sooo yummy. Cartman: Stan, you said your mom was bringing Kentucky Fried Chicken home for dinner! Now is she or isn't she?! [Sharon arrives] Sharon: Hi boys. Stan: Mom! Kyle: She's here! Cartman: She's got Colonel! Kyle: I want some! Cartman: Oh boy! Stan: [twirling around] I want a breast! Cartman: Some extra-crispy thighs, extra crispy? Sharon: Uuh uh uh, not so fast. You boys can help bring in the other groceries in the car, then have your chicken. The boys: Awww! Stan: But Mom, we've been waiting for hours! Sharon: It won't take a minute. Cartman: Come on guys. If we all help out, we can do it super-fast. Stan: All right. Kyle: [firmly] Let's go. Oh my God, that smells good. [Cartman stays behind and quickly sits back down. As the other boys head out of the kitchen, Cartman rips the skins off the chicken pieces and wolfs them down. Sharon and the other boys return with the groceries.] Stan: Okay, this is everything, mom. [the boys return to their seats] Kyle: All right, let's eat Colonel! [Cartman leaves as the others sit] Stan: Oh, boy! [they see the denuded chicken pieces. Stan looks at Cartman in anger] Cartman, you ate the skin off of EVERY PIECE OF CHICKEN! Cartman: [turns around] Well, I saved you all the chicken part. [quiet burp] Kyle: The skin's the best part... Cartman: [puts on his jacket] Well, I gotta go home, guys. I'm gonna sit on the toilet and read comic books. See you at the bus stop tomorrow. [he leaves the kitchen. The boys are puzzled as to what to do about it. Burying his head in his arms, Kenny sobs] Scene Description: The next morning the boys are waiting at the bus stop, still angry because Cartman ate the chicken skin last night. Cartman hasn't arrived Stan: I can't believe that fat asshole! Kyle: You can't believe it?? He does this shit all the time! Stan: Well this time he's gone too far! Kenny: (Yeah, fuck him!) Stan: Why do we even hang out with him, anyway? Kyle: Hello?? I've been saying this for years! Stan: Well it's not like we're nice to him. I mean, we rip on him all the time! Kyle: Yes, but he thrives on that. Stan: All right. Then let's just ignore him. From now on, let's not talk to him, let's not even acknowledge him. Kenny: (Fuck yeah!) Kyle: That sounds great! Cartman: [arriving] Hey fags, what's going on? [no one says a word] Dude, I was on the toilet all night from that chicken. I thought I was gonna die. [silence] Kyle: Do any of you guys have milk money I can borrow? Stan: I think I have extra. Cartman: Oh wow, a Jew asking for money! There's a new one. [Stan fishes around for some money in his pockets, walks over a bit, and gives it to Kyle] Yuh, you guys know why Jews have glassy eyes? Stan: Here you go. Kyle: Thanks. [Stan returns to his post next to Kenny] Cartman: Dude, Stan, yuh you know why Jews have glassy eyes? Like Kyle? [neither of them says a thing] Eh. K-Kenny, you see that chick on the news that had her left titty cut off? [chuckles. Kenny scratches his right side a bit] Kenny? Kenny?? [the bus pulls up and opens the door. The boys head inside. Stan enters first] Stan? Stan, it's me, Eric! [Kenny enters next] Eh... Kenny. Kenny, you want fifty cents? [Kyle enters last] Dude, look at me, Kyle, I'm right here! [Seeing no reaction, Cartman is stunned. The door closes and the bus pulls away] Wha...? How did...? Like they couldn't see or hear me. It's almost as if I were... [close-up] dead. [dramatic music] No. No, I can't be dead. [runs off] I can't be dead!! Scene Description: The Cartman house, later. A plumber has come to visit, and he's in the living room talking to Mrs. Cartman. Two other plumbers are carrying away a box Black plumber: All right, ma'am. We've got your new toilet installed and we'll haul away the old one away for ya. Liane: Oh, you've been so helpful, I uh, just don't know how to thank you. Black plumber: Hunh, I could think of a few ways, hunh. Liane: Ohoho, nhn. Scene Description: Cartman runs back home, but he stops in his tracks before he reaches the front door. He sees the two men carrying the box away and he fears the worst Cartman: No! No!! Fat plumber: What happened? Did they say? Thin plumber: Apparently there was so much chicken skin in the system it just ruptured the insides. Fat plumber: Aww, that's tragic. Cartman: Oh my God, this can't be happening! [he then hears his mother wailing softly, then louder] Mom? Mom's crying? Oh God, it is true! [he gets closer to her window. Inside his mother's room, on her bed, the black plumber is pounding Liane from behind, but the bed's noise does not reach Cartman's ears. Cartman turns, wailing.] Oh, it's not fair! [falls to his knees and cries out] Why??? Why??? [cries some more. Liane cries out some more as well] Scene Description: The playground, recess Jimmy: Hey fellas, w-where is Cartman? [Kyle catches a football] Stan: Cartman isn't our friend anymore. [throws the football back] Kyle: We're ignoring him. Token: Ignoring him? How come? Kyle: Because he's a fat racist self-centered intolerant manipulating sociopath! Token: Oh yeah. Craig: Hey, I hate Cartman too. Can I ignore him with you? Blond: Yeah. Kevin: Me too. Other boys: Yeah, screw him! Yeah. Clyde: I never realized ignoring him was an option. Cartman: [arriving] Guys! Guys? [the two teams are seen: On screen left are Jimmy, Token, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny. On screen right are Timmy, Craig, Clyde, Kevin, and the blond boy. The teams toss the football at each other] Can anybody hear me? You guys?? [approaches Token] Token, Token, I'm here! [leaves] Hello! Hello! Hello! [approaches Clyde] Clyde, can't you feel me? [moves him around, but no reaction from Clyde] Feel me, Clyde! [moves on to Jimmy] Jimmy! Jimmy, it's me, Eric! [blows on Jimmy] Jimmy! [puff] Can't you feel your hair move?! That's me! [turns away] They don't even know yet, that one of their best friends is dead. [begins to tear up] Dead and... still wandering the earth a lost soul. Scene Description: Downtown, later. He wanders the streets of the town crying, and no one turns to see what's wrong, until...]'' Woman: What is that kid doing? Man: Ah I don't know, just ignore him. Scene Description: A blazing sunset over a bridge. Cartman's cries have gotten deeper, more emotional Scene Description: Night time, under a full moon, Cartman walks past a farm house. Nearby are a scarecrow and a few pumpkins Scene Description: Next day, Butter's house. He's shoveling snow off the sidewalk to the front door Butters: Lu lu lu, I've got some apples. Lu lu lu, you've got some too- Cartman: [walking by, lamenting his fate] What did I do to deserve this?! [Butters pays attention] How can my own God forsake me?! Am I doomed to wander the Earth alone for all eternity?! Butters: Hey Eric! [goes back to shoveling snow. Cartman stops in his tracks] Cartman: ...What did you say? Butters: Huh I just said, "Hey Eric!" Cartman: Butters... [runs back to Butters] Butters! You can see me?? Butters: Well, sure I can see you. Cartman: Oh my God, and you can hear me?? Butters: [giggles] Well, jeez Eric, why wouldn't I be able to hear you? Cartman: Because, Butters, I'm... dead. [a few moments of silence] Butters: [screams and drops his shovel and runs off, hiding behind the family car. Cartman follows him] Cartman: Butters! Butters, I just want to talk to you! Butters: You died?? How?? Cartman: I ate a bunch of chicken skin and it blew out my insides. Butters: But if you're d-dead, how come I can see you? Cartman: I don't know, but you're the only one who can. Butters: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! [runs toward the front door, opens it and runs inside, slamming it shut] Cartman: Butters! [tries to open the door, then pounds on it furiously] Butters, Goddamnit, I need your help! Scene Description: The Stotch kitchen. Linda is cleaning the sink and humming to herself. She reaches down below the sink and opens the doors. Butters is hiding there. Linda: Butters, what on earth are you doing?? Butters: Well I think... I'm like the kid in that movie! I-I'm seeing dead people! Linda: Dead people? Stephen: Who's seeing dead people? Butters: Me! I saw a ghost! Stephen: Now, Butters, there's no such thing as ghosts. Butters: But I saw him! Just as plain as I'm seein' you right now! Stephen: Butters, these things happen all the time. You've got a very active little brain and your mind was just playing tricks on you. Butters: Ruh, really? Stephen: Yeess. Butters: So... so it was just... it was... just my ima... magination then? Stephen: That's right. There's no reason to be afraid of things that aren't real. There's plenty of real things to be scared of. Like super-AIDS. Butters: Huh s-s-super-AIDS? Stephen: That's right. A new form of AIDS which is resistant to drugs. Just one teaspoon of super-AIDS in your butt and you're dead in three years. Butters: AAAH! [drops his flashlight] Oh Jesus. Stephen: So now you feel better? Ghosts don't exist and there's nothing to be afraid of. Except the super-AIDS. Scene Description: Night time at Butters' house. The sky is clear, but lightning bolts come out of nowhere and just as quickly disappear. Butters is in his bed looking out at the stormy sky and can't get to sleep. Butters: Nuh-nothing to be scared of. Jus, just some lightning and thunder. [closes his eyes, but a thunderclap opens his eyes wide] Gah! Wasn't nothin' neither. J-just a mouse. [he looks out the window again. Cartman is seen standing by the bedroom door] Cartman: Butters... Butters: [points] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! [turns away and ducks under his covers] Cartman: Butters, you have to help me! Butters: Go away! You aren't real! Cartman: All right, Butters, you leave me no choice. [pulls out a chain, rattles it, and utters ghostly sounds] Butters: [panics, screaming] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! [Cartman leaves the bedside and hides. Butters' door opens and his parents walk in] Stephen: Butters, what is going on?! Butters: Well I saw... [points to... nothing] Well he was... [sees there's nothing to prove] Nothin' I-I just had a nightmare. Stephen: Well you'd better stop having nightmares or else you're gonna be grounded! Butters: Y yes, yes sir. [they leave, but Stephen takes one last quick look around, then closes the door. Butters mumbles a few things, then tries to sleep] Cartman: [suddenly on the bed] Butters. Butters: AH- [quickly muffles his mouth so his parents don't hear] Cartman: Butters, Goddamnit, I'm not in your imagination! I'm dead and for some reason you can see me! Butters: But I don't want to see you! Cartman: Get a hold of yourself! I'm the one who died! And for some reason, my spirit is trapped here on Earth. I can't find the passage to Heaven. Butters: Well... how do you know you're supposed to go to Heaven? Cartman: What do you mean? Butters: Well... how do you know you're not supposed to go to... you know... Heck. Cartman: I'm not going to Heck, Butters! I'm not black, all right?! Butters: Oh. Cartman: Now look: I thnk the reason my soul is still here is because I need closure with all my friends and loved one. I can say my final goodbyes to them through you. Butters: I can't. Ahah, I have school tomorrow. Cartman: This is your problem, Butters! Either you help me, or I will haunt you for the rest of your life! [brings out the chain, rattles it, and makes ghostly noises with his voice] Butters: Helll- Uh all right. All right, I'll help you! Scene Description: Dawn at Cartman's Residence, the next day. Butters and Cartman approach Cartman's house. Liane is in the kitchen using a cookie cutter to cut out heart-shaped cookies. Butters and Cartman enter the kitchen. Cartman is sobbing into a small towel. Butters: Mrs. Cartman? Liane: Yes? [turns around] Oh hi. Butters: This is going to seem very strange and, and you may not believe me, but, well, your son wanted me to tell you something. Liane: Oh, what is it? Cartman: [emotional] Tell her, tell her that I love her. Butters: He says, he love you. [Cartman sobs] Liane: [moved] Oh, that's so nice. Cartman: [emotional] Tell her, tell her that I wish... I wish I would have been a better son sometimes! Butters: He wishes he would have been a better son sometimes. Cartman: [emotional] It's just that, it's just that I got so caught up with the rat race of life tryin' to succeed that I... sometimes... took my family for granted! Butters: He he got caught, he got caught up in the rat race of, of taking things for granted. Liane: Oh, that's so sweet. [teary-eyed] Oh, I love you too, poopiekins! [sobs. Cartman sobs too, and then Butters sobs in sympathy] Scene Description: The Broflovski house. Butters and Cartman approach it first and ring the bell. Kyle comes to answer it Butters: Kyle, Eric wants you to know that he's, he's sorry for all the times he made fun of you being a no-good stinking Jew. [Cartman sobs. Kyle looks, then gets annoyed] He's asking for your forgiveness. And and he wants you to just remember the good times. Cartman: Just the good times. Kyle: There were no good times! And if he really feels bad he can just tell me himself! Cartman: I can't! Don't you understand?! Butters: He can't! Don't you understand?! Cartman: God forgave the Jews, you should be able to forgive me! Butters: God forgave the Jews, you should be able to forgive him! Cartman: [whips out a notepad] All right, come on, Butters, we gotta go tell Token I'm sorry for rippin' on him for bein' black. [turns around and walk off] Butters: Uhh alright then. [Butters turns to follow, and Kyle is left looking puzzled] Scene Description: Kyle's living room. Stan and Kenny are playing a board game on the living room floor. Kyle enters and approaches them Stan: Who was that? Kyle: It was Cartman having Butters apologize for him. Stan: Dude, he did that to me this morning. Kenny: (Me too.) Kyle: He probably thinks if he apologizes to everyone, we'll think he's changed and let him back into our circle. Kenny: (That guy would try anything) Stan: Yeah, we know better than to think that. Scene Description: Butters and Cartman walk down a sidewalk, with Cartman checking off more names on his notepad. Cartman: Okay, that takes care of Token, Clyde, and Mr. Kitty. That's everyone, I guess. [turns around] All that leaves is you, Butters. Butters, I'm sorry if I ever did anything to hurt you. Butters: [shuffles his right foot out of modesty] Aww, that's okay, Eric. Cartman: [puts away the notepad in his inside jacket pocket.] Well, it's all done. My soul is at peace. I think... I can go now. Butters: So I won't see you again? Cartman: Don't be sad, Butters. What awaits each person in heaven is eternal bliss, divine rest, and ten thousand dollars cash. Butters: Wow. Cartman: [backs up and waves his hands in front of him as if in a haze] G'bye Butters. I'm goin' to a better place. Perhaps I'll see you again sometime! Good-bye!! [Cartman steps back a bit more, then stops, then is annoyed] Butters: Yeh you're still here. Cartman: Goddamnit, what the fuck is going on? Butters: Well, I guess saying goodbye wasn't enough. Cartman: What else do I have to do?! Butters: Well, well, you know, the preacher says that before your soul can be at peace, sometimes, you have to atone for something bad you did. Cartman: Atone? Butters: Did you ever do anything really bad? Cartman: [thinks] Not really... Scene Description: In Butters' bedroom, later Cartman: Let's see. Oh, and I broke Mr. Anderson's fence and never told him about it. Butters: [writing] Broke fence... Cartman: I took a crap in the principal's purse... seven times. Then there was the time I convinced a woman to have an abortion so I could build my own Shakey's Pizza. I pretended to be retarded and joined the Special Olympics. I tried to have all the Jew exterminated last spring. Uhh, oh yeah, and there's this one kid whose parents I had killed and then made into chili which I fed to the kid. Butters: Boy oh boy, Eric, you've got a lot to atone for. Cartman: Really? Butters: Really. I mean, honestly, I don't know how you're gonna make up for all this. Cartman: I know how. Scene Description: Moments later Cartman's hands are shown placing fruits inside a basket, a pair of scissors cutting away at a thick transparent plastic sheet, then the whole basket sealed with a bow. He and Butters grin at the accomplishment. Behind them are some more baskets ready to go. The first basket goes to Principal Victoria. The second goes to Ms. Claridge. The third goes to the rabbi at the synagogue. The congregation there is surprised. The fourth goes to Scott Tenorman, who's sobbing at his parents' graves. Butters and Cartman walk to their next destination with another basket as Stan, Kyle, and Kenny look on from across the street. They deliver that basket to the abortion clinic. He records the song below, with Butters and a recording engineer in the booth. Next, he and Butters are repairing Mr. Anderson's fence. Cartman hammers the new boards in place as Butters removes the damaged boards. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny appear and watch. Kyle angrily rejects what he's seeing and they walk away. Cartman and Butters then go to the Special Olympics stadium and present a basket to the coordinators. They leave a basket at Sally Struthers' door. They're then back in Butters' bedroom and Butters marks off the last atonement. Eric Cartman: I'm gonna make, make it right. I'm gonna take a little time and set things right. Make, make it right. I'm payin' for my sins and it sure feels great. It feels so good to be making up For all the things I've done wrong. I know now what the Good Lord in Heaven Wanted from me all along. All along, I'm gonna make, make it right. Cause Jesus wants me to have a clean slate. Not faking it, I'm making it right. I'm payin' for my sins and it sure feels great. Make, make it right! Make, make it right! Gonna make it right, girl, I've got to have your lovin' tonight! Cartman: Well, there's everything, Butters. [stands up and walks off a bit] I've made everything right. Butters: Does this mean... you have to go now? Cartman: Yes, Butters, my soul is finally at peace. It's time for me to leave. [waves his hands around again as if in a haze] Goodbye Butters! Thanks for all your help! Be good and be safe. Goodbye... [his back hits the wall under the window, and he looks at his hands] Goddamnit, what?! I've made everything right! Butters: Oh jeez. I I guess maybe your soul is stuck here for a different reason. Cartman: I want my eternal bliss! Do you think this is funny, God?! [grabs Butters' bat and begins destroying his room with it. First to go is the lamp on top of the foot locker, then something else, then a picture of Butters sitting on a tree stump, then the television, then the television stand, ] Do you think this is funny? Butters: Eric! Calm down. Cartman: [destroys the bookshelves, then the toy area] Stupid butthole God! [chucks the bat at Butters, who leans out of the way. The bat smashes his mirror apart. Cartman leaves. Butters surveys the damage, then his parents show up] Stephen: Butters! What have you done?! Butters: I-I-it wasn't me! Ih it was the ghost! Linda: Oh, Stephen, I don't know if we should ground him or call a doctor. Stephen: No, I think you'd better call a doctor. I'll ground him. Scene Description: Butters' house, later. Stephen holds Linda as the doctor on house call leaves Butters' bedroom Linda: What do you think, Doctor? Doctor: Your son is suffering from severe dementia. He claims that the ghost of a dead friend talks to him. This is usually a sign of schizophrenia brought on by some tragic event in the child's past. I think it's best that we take him to the mental center and do some tests. Linda: Oh no. [buries her face in Stephen's shoulder] NO! Scene Description: South Park Institute for Mental Health, day. In the operating room, Butters is wheeled into play on a gurney, face up Doctor: [in a booth with Butters' parents] All right, Butters, just try to relax. [two robot arms grab Butters along the sides of his torso and head, pick him up, and flip him over] Doin' just fine, Butters. [the arms reposition themselves and raise Butters a little higher. A big red anal probe closes in and begins to vibrate] Just stay perfectly still now, Butters. Butters: [nervous, tries to look back] Lu lu lu, lu lu lu [the anal probe enters and shakes him violently] Doctor: Good. You're gonna feel a little pinch now, Butters. [the probe takes one last, deep jab. Then, to Stephen.] Don't worry, Mr. Stotch. Whatever traumatized your son in his past, we'll find it. [the robot arms now rock Butters back and forth as the probe does its stuff.] Scene Description: Butters' recovery room, later. The doctor and Butters' parents are at bedside Doctor: Well, after fourteen hours of testing, I can say Butters is definitely suffering from aggravated repressed memory syndrome. You see, Butters, when the brain wants to cover something up, it makes up images and sounds for you to hear. Butters: So... the ghost was in my head. The whole time. Stephen: Now do you believe us, Butters? Butters: Yes! Uh yes sir! I believe you. Doctor: Good. We're making a lot of headway. We'll do some more testing tomorrow. All right, folks. Let's let Butters get some rest. [they leave] Linda: [stays behind long enough to kiss Butters on the forehead] Goodnight, baby. [leaves. The lights go out] Butters: [relaxing and sleeps...] Ahhh. [...but Cartman appears at the foot of the bed] Cartman: Butters. Butters: AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Cartman: Don't worry, Butters, I'm gonna get you out of here. Butters: Please leave me alone, Eric. My bottom is really sore. Cartman: I found the woman you need to talk to for me. Look! [shows Butters an ad for a psychic] Doctor Lindsay, expert in the paranormal. She can tell us what to do! Butters: Eric, ye-you're just an image in my head brought on by a traumatic event. Cartman: She's gonna close soon! Come on! [pulls Butters out of bed and away] Butters: Wuh I hate my stupid psychotic brain! Scene Description: The psychic's house. The doorbell rings. She's watching television, but she gets up to answer the door. Cartman and Butters are there Butters: [still with heavy eyelids] Hello, ma'am. May I talk to you? Psychic: Certainly. Come in. [Butters and Cartman follow her in] Have a seat and tell me what it is you seek. Butters: Well, there's this ghost, see? Only it probably isn't a ghost, ih-it's just a delusion brought on by my trauma. Well I'm supposed to heh, help him, find out why his spirit is wanderin' the Earth, even though I know that I'm most likely just completely insane. Psychic: Well, many times, the reason that the soul stays Earth-bound is because God is intending to use that soul for a divine purpose, to help prevent an impending tragic event. Cartman: Of course. That's it, Butters! We had it wrong all the time! Psychic: But now, you shouldn't think you're crazy, young man. I see ghosts all the time. Butters: Really? Psychic: Yes. When's the last time you saw yours? Butters: Well, he's sittin' next to me right now. Psychic: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! [runs out of the room screaming. The TV turns on mysteriously behind the boys] Butters: Hey, I think she could see you too. You really are a ghost. Cartman: I told you, Butters. [a breaking news item comes on] Announcer: This is breaking news! Anchor Tom: A tragic event is unfolding in South Park. Three convicted murderers have escaped from jail and are holding twelve people hostage at the Red Cross! Reporter Chris: Tom, the convicts were about to be arrested when they ran inside the Red Cross behind me, and threatened to kill all the workers inside. The violent men are demanding a helicopter and two hundred thousand dollars cash. Cartman: Oh my God, this is it, Butters. This is what I'm here to stop. Come on, Butters. This psychic boy and his ghost pal are going to save the day! Scene Description: The Red Cross, later that night. A crowd has gathered and the police try to control the crowd Officer: Stay back, people! Man: Stay back?! Hell, my wife and child are in there! Det. Yates: Stay calm in there. We don't want anybody getting hurt. Lead convict: You get us a helicopter and two hundred thousand dollars or these people start dyin', man! Scene Description: The Red Cross, outside. Butters and Cartman sneak past the police barricade Cartman: All right, Butters, I'm going in alone, first. Give me thirty seconds in there, and then you go in and free the hostages. Butters: Go in there? Uh, but they'll see me. Cartman: Don't worry. I have a plan. [movers towards an entrance] Butters: Eric. [Cartman turns around] Well, be careful, ghost pal. Cartman: They can't hurt me, Butters. I'm already dead. [Cartman moves towards the front door. The detective notices] Det. Yates: What the hell is that kid doing? Scene Description: The Red Cross, inside. The convicts look out through the Venetian blinds Bald convict: Somebody's comin' in! Convict 2: It's just some little fat kid. [the door opens and Cartman walks in. He starts making haunting, ghostly noises and rattling desks] Bald convict: What the hell is going on? Convict 2: I have no idea. Cartman: Yes, it's working! [hops on a chair, picks up a book, waves it around, and flips the pages in the lead convict's face] Lead convict: This is really weird. [Cartman walks over to a file cabinet, opens a drawer, and tosses out all sorts of papers. Butters enters the building, walking quietly as Cartman keeps the three convicts distracted] Scene Description: The Red Cross, outside. Reporter Chris: An incredible development here, Tom. Two little boys have fearlessly gone inside the Red Cross. [footage of Cartman entering the building is shown] Scene Description: Stan's house. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny watch the news Stan: Cartman? Scene Description: The Red Cross, inside. Cartman swings two cowbells up and down. Butters has left the door open Bald convict: [scratches his head] I'm so confused! [Butters goes over to the office, removes the chair blocking the door, and opens the door.] Butters: Hurry. Go, go! [the hostages leave quickly, quietly. They exit the Red Cross.] Officer 2: The hostages are clear! Det. Yates: [through the bull horn] All right, move in! [the officers move in. Cartman is dancing around shaking the bells and making ghostly noises] Convict 2: The hostages are gone! Bald convict: What?! [the officers pour in and arrest the convicts] Son of a bitch. Reporter Chris: Tom, an incredible story of courage. Two little boys, armed only with the weapon of confusion, managed to go in and save the Red Cross. Nobody seems to know who the boys are or where they went off to, but they are heroes. Scene Description: The field across from the Red Cross. Cartman is about to take his leave for the third time Cartman: Well, we did it, Butters. We saved the day. Butters: Boy, we sure did. Cartman: My spirit is at rest now. I can finally go to everlasting peace, eternal rest, and ten thousand dollars cash. Butters, I think that, through this whole thing, we've really become friends. Butters: Yeah. Uh I feel that way too. Cartman: We both, kind of needed each other and... well... I'm gonna miss you. Butters: I'll miss you too, ghost pal. Cartman: [backs up again, waving his hands before him] Goodbye Butters. I must be going now. I'll be looking down on you from time to time. Have a long, fulfilling life, Butters! Goodbye! [Stan, Kyle, and Kenny approach him from his right side, Clyde, Token and Jimmy approach him from his left] Stan: Hey Cartman, that was really cool what you did. Clyde: Yeah Eric, we're gonna stop ignoring you now. [both Cartman and Butters are stunned that everyone can suddenly see Cartman] Kyle: We didn't think that by pretending you didn't exist, you would really change, but you really have. Stan: Well, anyway, we just wanna let you know. Talk to you tomorrow. Jimmy: Yeah. S-see ya, Eric. [Butters looks down] Cartman: [pissed off] You sonofabitch Butters! Butters: Huh? Cartman: You told me I was a ghost! Butters: Huh but I thought you were one! Cartman: How stupid are you?! So help me GOD Butters, I'm gonna get you back for this! I'm going to [points his finger at Butters] Get you back! [runs off. Butters just looks at him, baffled. His parents arrive with the doctor] Stephen: [angered] Butters?! Butters: Oh hamburgers.

Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The school bell rings. Mr. Mackey: M'kay, kids, as your counselor, I know it can sometimes be difficult to talk about subjects like drugs and sex and alcohol, m'kay? So, as you remember, last week I told you to write down any difficult questions you had and put them in this box anonymously so we could discuss those questions in class, m'kay? I got a lot o' responses, so let's read some aloud. [pulls out the first letter and reads] "Mr. Mackey is gay." [some of the kids laugh] Okay kids, that is not funny! M'kay?! This box is supposed to be used for serious questions! About, about serious issues! M'kay, let's, let's stop the tomfoolery. [puts it aside and reaches into the box for the next letter] M'kay, this looks like a real one here. [reads] "Dear Mr. Mackey, you are gay." [the class laughs] All right, all right. That's enough, kids. Let's quiet down and try to be mature, 'kay? [reaches in to read the next one] Uh here we go. Okay, "Mr. Mackey, sometimes my parents hit me, and you are gay." [the class laughs harder] Dammit, is there not one serious question in here?! [reads the next two letters] "Mr. Mackey is gay." "Mr. Mackey is gay." [gets the next letter] Okay, here. [reads] "I am a boy at South Park Elementary. Sometimes, when I'm sitting in class, my penis becomes hard for no reason. What should I do?" [Jimmy looks around nervously. Cartman cracks up, and the rest of the class, except Jimmy, follows] All right kids, all right kids, that's enough! [a small bell is heard and Jimmy looks down] If you all can't be serious about the question box, [turns and writes "drugs" on the board] then we'll just do drug identification exercises, unkay?! Class: Awwwww! Mr. Mackey: M'kay, uhh, Jimmy, why don't you come up here and write down the names of two narcotics? Jimmy: Uh no, that-that's okay, Mr. Mackey. Mr. Mackey: Jimmy, I'm not asking you, I'm telling you! Jimmy: Uhhh, just uh ahh not right this second, Mr. Mackey. Mr. Mackey: Well why the hell not?! Jimmy: Uh... [waves him over. Mr. Mackey walks over and bends down to listen to Jimmy whisper in his ear] Mr. Mackey: It's what... Oh, you do? R-right now, right now it is? M'kay, m'kay. Don't worry, Jimmy. [returns to the board] N'kay, uhhh, let's pick someone else. Um, Eric, why don't you come up here? Cartman: Hey, that's bullcrap! How come Jimmy doesn't have to do it?! Mr. Mackey: Well, because uh, Jimmy is pitching a tent right now. [Jimmy shows some alarm] Stan: He's what?? [Kyle shrugs] Scene Description: South Park Elementary hallway. Kids milling around notice a poster on the pegboard among the lockers and talk amongst themselves. Stan: A hundred dollar gift certificate to South Park Mall? [the kids begin moving out of the way, leaving Stan, Kyle, and Kenny] Maybe we should do the talent show. Kyle: Well, what's the point? Jimmy always wins with his stand-up comedy. Jimmy: Hey fellas. Stan: Dude, didja see, Jimmy? They're giving away a hundred dollar first prize for the talent show. Jimmy: Oh I sure have. I've been working on my ruh... ruh... routine all year long. Kyle: I don't know how you do it, dude. How do you get up in front of that many people? Jimmy: Well fellas, entertainment is my life. I love being in front of everyone. [his penis gets aroused] Aaah! Kyle: Huh wuh, what's the matter? Jimmy: I gotta guh, I gotta go! See ya fellas. [rushes away and down the hall] Eh, excuse me! Evuh evuh - excuh, cuh, cuse me! Excuse me, puh-please. [he grunts as he heads for the boys' room and enters, looking for an empty stall. He tries the first toilet stall] Clyde: It's occupied. [Jimmy tries the second stall] Cartman: No room at the inn, Virgin Mary. [Jimmy heads back to the sinks and throws water on his face, then throws water on his pants' crotch] Butters: [enters and heads for the urinal] Hehey Jimmy! [arrives at the urinal, drops his trousers and lifts his shirt, and starts pissing] M'boy, did you see that first prize for the talent show? Why you must be excited! You'll probably win like always. Jimmy: Yeah. Yeah, I'm real excited. REAL excited... for some reason... Oh, Jesus! What's wrong with me? Butters: [notices some heavy drops in the stalls] Hey, who's droppin' bombs in there?! How about a courtesy flush?! Cartman: Up yours, Butters. Scene Description: Jimmy's house, afternoon. Jimmy walks through the door and sighs. His parents are on the sofa. His mom reads a book, his dad a newspaper. Sarah: Hey Jimmy, how was school? Jimmy: Fine, Mom. Ryan: Jimmy, we understand you're getting erections in the classroom. Jimmy: [stops in his tracks for a few seconds, then looks over his shoulder] What? Uh who told you that? Ryan: Mr. Mackey, your counselor. Jimmy: Aw J-j-j-j...j-Jesus! Ryan: Now, Jimmy, it's nothing to be ashamed of. But we know it's something you might have a hard time talking about. Get it? A hard time. So, we took your counselor's advice 'nd called Doctor Pal to help us all talk about this. Jimmy: Dz-n-Doctor Pal? Doctor Pal: [springs up from behind the sofa and quite eager to start. He talks quickly] Hey Jimmy, I'm Doctor Pal. That's because I'm a doctor, but I'm also your pal. Are we cool? Jimmy: Uh, sure? Doctor Pal: A lot of times parents call me in because I can relate to younger kids. I'm, I'm down, I'm dope, you dig? Now, I understand you have some concerns about erections. [affects a joking manner] "Oops, can't say erection in front of the parents right. Oh God, I feel so weird" huh? Jimmy: Well, a little, yes. Doctor Pal: Jimmy, there's nothing weird about random erections. Almost every boy goes through a phase where his penis becomes hard... for no particular reason. It's just part of growing up. Growing up? Growing out is more like it. [laughs at his own cleverness] Jimmy: But I have to make it stop! The talent show is this F-Friday. Doctor Pal: Tell you what, Mom and Dad, why don't you skedaddle for a tick and let us hipsters talk in privo. Ryan: A-all right, come on, honey. [they rise and leave the living room] Doctor Pal: Jimmy, as you get older your body goes through a lot of changes. Certain hormones start to release as your whole reproductive system begins to awaken, and so, if you like, we can take off our shirts and kiss. Jimmy: Ke...c-come again? Doctor Pal: Oh, hey, nothin', you see? See, that set you off on a different tangent, got you thinkin' a different way. That's what Doctor Pal is here to do. [leans forward a little] Unless, of course, you think we should take off our shirts and kiss. Jimmy: N-no, I do NOT want to take off my shirt and kiss! Doctor Pal: Well then to hell with you, kid. You can just deal with your problems on your own. [walks out the door and closes it behind him] Scene Description: Jimmy's house, night. He's fast asleep, and we see his dream. Announcer: Next up for the talent show, put your hands together for the incredibly talented Jimmy Valmer! [he approaches the mic. On one side is a stool with a glass of water on it. The school audience is cheering] Jimmy: Wow, what a what a great audience. So apparently Martha Stewart is out of jail. Have you have you heard about this, have you seen this? She's very excited to get started on her new show, "Martha Stewart Living, with an electronic ankle bracelet." [the audience laughs heartily] So it looks like the Vatican has finally chosen a new Pope. Have you seen this, have you heard about this? [his penis is around and his erection begins to show] A-a-apparently they're going to call him New Pope, a-and refer to John Paul as P-Pope Classic. [the claps are few, his erection is bigger] Uh,.. so it so it looks like Michael Jackson is having back problem in court. [the kids begin to notice the erection and whisper to each other. Jimmy's beginning to falter] You know... huh... you uh you know what they say about b-b-b-b-back problems. [a girl screams and runs out of the gym. The other kids follow. Jimmy's penis has gotten so big it blocks his view of the audience. He moves it to his left so he can see everyone on his right] Uh, uh gee, what a terrific audience. [swings it to his right to see everyone on his left] What a fantastic audience. Mrs. Garrison: Don't worry, Jimmy. We're not laughing with you, we're laughing AT you. [several shots of the audience laughing at Jimmy. Jimmy wakes up and sits up on his bed.] Jimmy: Nuh uh! Wuh. Huh. Waaagh! Ungh! [punches his genitals with both his fists, then falls asleep hard] Scene Description: Butters' house, day. He's practicing his favorite song in the garage with some help from his boom box. Jimmy approaches. Butters: Lu Lu Lu, I've got some apples, Lu Lu Lu, you've got some too. Lu Lu Lu, let's get together, I know what we can do, Lu Lu. Jimmy: Butters! Butters: Oh! Oh hey, Jimmy. [turns off the tape player] I'm just practicin' for the talent show. Jimmy: Butters, ah I really need to talk to somebody, and I think maybe you're the only person who won't make f-f-fun of me. Butters: Oh gosh, I'd never make fun of somebody with a problem. Jimmy: Butters, do you know what you're supposed to do when your penis gets hard? Butters: [thinks a moment] Well sure I do. Jimmy: Really?? Butters: Yes, now sit down, Jimmy, we should have a little talk. [they sit next to the boom box] You see, Jimmy, when a man's penis becomes hard, the man puts it into a lady. Into her "vagiiina." [fans his fingers out] Then, the hard penis sneezes milk inside the lady's tummy, and after it's all done sneezin' milk, the penis stops bein' hard, and the man loses interest in the lady. Jimmy: So, when your penis becomes hard, you're supposed to put in in a lady's vagina. And then it stops being hard? Butters: That's right, Jimmy. Jimmy: But where am I going to find a lady to stick my penis in? The talent show is this Friday. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids visit their lockers to change books. Girl: Talk to you, Bertha. Bertha: Okay, see you later, Jessie. Jimmy: Hey Bertha. Bertha: Oh, hey Jimmy. What's goin' on? Jimmy: Well Bertha, I was wondering if I could stick my penis in your vagina? Bertha: What?? No way! [Cartman walks into view, overhears, then stops to listen] Jimmy: But the talent show is tomorrow! [Bertha slaps him] Ooo! Bertha: Jerk! [walks away, Cartman comes forward] Cartman: Jimmy, Jimmy, what the hell are you doing, man? Jimmy: I'm trying to get laid. What's it look like? Cartman: Dude, you don't just go up to a girl and ask her if you can stick your penis in her vagina. Ye-you have to ask her on a date, take her out for some Italian food. Jimmy: Wow, seems like you know a lot about this stuff, Eric. Have you gotten laid before? Cartman: Sure, lots of times. I've been laid, like, five thousand times. Jimmy: Well, wha-what do I do? Cartman: I told you: a date and then Italian food. And then you gotta make her think you're a good listener. Jimmy: Eric, I can't tell you why, but it's very important that I score to-night! Can you come on the date and help me? You're like a white... Hitch. Cartman: Why sure, they do this all the time in movies and TV shows. You go on the date and wear an earpiece, and I'll be nearby, secretly telling you all the right things to say. Jimmy: Wow! Thanks, Eric. Scene Description: A house, night. A woman is reading a book on her sofa. The doorbell rings. Mom: Shawna honey, I think your little date is here. Shawna: [heads for the door] Okay, Mom. [opens it, and finds Jimmy waiting outside] Jimmy: Hey Shawna. Shawna: Hi Jimmy. Cartman: [hiding in some bushes nearby] Okay Jimmy. First off, tell her how good she looks. Jimmy: Wow, Shawna, you look f-fantastic. Shawna: Thanks, Jimmy. Where are we going? Jimmy: We're going to an authentic Italian restaurant, Buca de Fagghecini Scene Description: Buca de Fagghecini, dinnertime. Jimmy and Shawna wait for service at their table. Waiter: Welcome to Buca de Fagghecini for the authentico experience Italiano. My name is Roma. Can I start you out with some lotsa pasta macaroni minis? Jimmy: Uh, I think we're gonna try your authentic pizzareli casserona poppers. Waiter: Right away. [walks away] Shawna: You know that girl Sally Rauman at our school? I can't stand her. Cartman: [at a nearby booth] Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy, even though what she's saying now isn't interesting at all, you say, "Wow, that is very interesting. Please tell me more." Jimmy: Wow, that is very interesting. Please tell me more. Shawna: Really? Well, Kelligan bought the same purse and I was like, "No WAY do I want it now!" because who wants a purse that both their best friends have, right? And so- Cartman: [Roma sets some plates of food on his table] All right, when she stops yappin' again, say "Wow, I've never thought of it that way before, but you're right." Shawna: I guess that's why I figured, "Who needs friends like THAT?" Jimmy: Wow, I've never thought of it that way before, but you're right. Shawna: It's like I told Debbie: "If you're gonna go out with my friends-" Cartman: All right Jimmy, when she finally shuts her trap again, I want you to repeat whatever she said, and then follow it with "Wow, how insightful." Shawna: "And so if you're gonna be that way, I don't need to be your friend." Jimmy: "If you're gonna be that way, I don't need to be your friend." Wow, how insightful. Shawna: You know, Jimmy, you are a great listener. Jimmy: Really? Shawna: Yeah. I mean, no other boys really communicate like you do. Jimmy: Oh, I'm so glad you think so, Shawna, because I really wanna stick my penis in your vagina. Cartman: Yes, nice, Jimmy, very nice. Shawna: [stunned] ...What??? [crosses her arms and glares] I'm not doing that! Jimmy: But the talent show is tomorrow night! Shawna: Creep! [throws her glass of water at him and walks out. The water shorts out his headphones, and Cartman takes his off from the feedback] Cartman: Aaagh! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, next evening. The gym is set up for the talent show and the whole school is there. Well, most of the school... Mrs. Garrison: Welcome students and parents to the annual South Park Elementary Talent Show! [some applause] We have a lot of little talneted performers to get through, so the quicker you shut up, the quicker this will be over! [everyone quiets down] Okay, first up we have Billy Turner, from the third grade, who will be doing an alto sax solo. [out comes Billy with his alto sax and he begins to play Frиre Jacques. His notes are tentative and wobbly] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, out on the front curb. Jimmy sits there sobbing. Officer Barbrady's police car rolls gently towards him and stops. The driver door opens and Officer Barbrady comes into view. Officer Barbrady: Jimmy? Jimmy Valmer? Jimmy: [looks up] Oh... Hi, Officer B b-b-buh b-b-buh b-Barbrady. Officer Barbrady: Jimmy, what are you doing here? The talent show is inside. Jimmy: I'm... not gonna perform in the talent show. [sobs again] Officer Barbrady: Not perform? [sits down next to him] But Jimmy, you love talent shows. Everyone in town knows that. Jimmy: I just c-can't risk getting up in front of everyone. Officer Barbrady: Why? Jimmy: All right! I I keep getting an erection for no reason! Okay! But I can't get any of the girls here to let me... do it to them. Officer Barbrady: Well of course not, Jimmy. Little girls don't wanna have sex. Jimmy: Then why does God make it so that my penis gets hard if girls don't wanna have it in their vaginas? It's like a cruel joke. Officer Barbrady: Well, Jimmy, the girls here are young and pure. They're not like the ladies down at Colfax Point. Jimmy: ...Colfax Point? Officer Barbrady: Well yeah, those women will have sex with anybody. Jimmy: Really? M-maybe I can catch the bus ...and get down there before the talent show ends. Th-thanks, Officer Barbrady! [heads off to the nearest bus station] Officer Barbrady: You're welcome, Jim. [happy at first, he begins to think over that last conversation] Wait... Scene Description: Colfax Point, in the red-light district of town, night. Cars roll by as obese prostitutes try to get customers. Shapely prostitutes try as well when the obese ones are denied. A black woman wearing knee-high boots walks down the street towards the camera. She has brilliant red hair, black vest and boots, and cheetah-print shorts Voice-over: Colfax Point. Pimps and hos and tricks in rows. Women walk the street with corns on their feets. Broken dreams and no ice creams. Scene Description: A car stops in front of a woman built like a brick mansion Ho: You lookin' for a date? Jimmy: [entering this hellhole] Hello? Hello? I need to put my ...p-penis in a woman's vagina. Any takers? [before him, a ho dressed as a Red Cross nurse is left behind by a customer] Excuse me, ma'am. What's your name? Prostitute: They call me Nut Gobbler. Jimmy: Well, Nut Gobbler, I need to get laid. Nut Gobbler: Huh?? Jimmy: I have a raging hard-on that just won't quit, and the talent show has already started. Nut Gobbler: You a cop? Jimmy: No. Actually, I'm a stand-up comic. Nut Gobbler: You got money? Jimmy: Sure do. Nut Gobbler: All right, you got a place to go? Jimmy: Sure. I know the p-perfect place. Scene Description: Buca de Fagghecini, moments later. The waitier arrives. Roma: Welcome to Buca de Fagghecini for the authentic experienso Italiano. My name is Roma, and uhhh [recognizes Jimmy] Oh, it's nice to see you again, Mr. Valmer. Jimmy: [grabs Roma by the collar and talks to him in hushes tones] Hey, can it, jackass! I don't want her to know I was just here with a different girl. Roma: Oh right, pardone, segnore. I'll come back with some garlic bread mediterraneane. [walks off] Nut Gobbler: What are we doin' anyway? Jimmy: This is authentic Italian food straight from S-Sicily. You should try the Lotsa Mozzarella Pizza Roll. Nut Gobbler: I can't eat too much, I've got an infected urinary tract. I've been pissin' blood for a week. Jimmy: Oh, uh, wow, that is very interesting. Please tell me more. Nut Gobbler: Huh? [takes out a lighter and cigarette and lights the cigarette] Well, that's it, I just piss blood! So I have to stick a tampon up my peehole. Jimmy: Wow. You know, I've never thought of it that way before, but you're right. If you're pissing blood, you can shove a tampon up your peehole. You are very insightful. Please tell me more. Nut Gobbler: Look, kid, what are you doin'?! You wanna get laid or not? Jimmy: Well of couse I wanna get laid. That's why I'm taking you to this ...fancy place and pretending to be interested in what you have to say. Nut Gobbler: Kid, I'm a hooker. You don't have to take me to dinner OR be nice to me. Jimmy: What? Fo-for real? Nut Gobbler: You paid me, so you get to do me. It's that simple. Jimmy: Well jumpin' Jesus, what are we wasting our time here for then? The talent show is happening right now! Let's get to r-r-rammin'! [A black man angrily approaches the table] Pimp: What are you doin', ho?! Havin' dinner?! You're supposed to be workin' for me! Nut Gobbler: It's where the trick wanted to go, you bastard! Pimp: Trick?! I ain't stupid! Ain't no trick gonna take you out to dinner! [Roma arrives with some food, but quickly leaves when he sees what's happening] This PIMP is tryin' to steal you away from me! [to Jimmy] This is MY ho! Jimmy: I beg to differ with you, sir. I paid for her and took her out to dinner. She's my ho! Nut Gobbler: Uh Jesus. Pimp: You got a problem, bitch?! Jimmy: Yes, I do have a problem, as a matter of fact! I've spent all my money on this ho, and she's now my only shot at getting laid, and the talent show is only a couple of hours from being over. Pimp: [to Nut Gobbler] You're comin' home right now! [grabs her by the hair hard] Nut Gobbler: Agh! Let go of my hair, you son of a bitch! Jimmy: Sir, sir, that is my ho! Pimp: I'm gonna kick your ass, ho! [hauls her off] Jimmy: [watching the pimp pull Nut Gobbler away] Sir, sir! Scene Description: South Park Elementary Talent Show, now in progress. A student sings Journey's "Open Arms" badly. Blonde Haired Girl: Lying beside you, here in the dark. Feeling your heartbeat with mine... Stan: [bored, exchanges looks with Kyle] Woof. Scene Description: Buca de Fagghecini, outside. The pimp drives off with Nut Gobbler, and Jimmy just steps out the front doors Jimmy: Son of a ...b-bitch! [a taxicab rolls by, and Jimmy hails it] Taxi! [the cab stops, and Jimmy gets in] Follow that pimp and ho! [the driver does as told and peels away] Scene Description: The pimp's car. Nut Gobbler: Where are you taking me?! Pimp: I'm gonna kill you, ho! Nut Gobbler: No! Please! Q Money! I'm sorry! Q Money: You're already dead, ho! [outside the driver window, the cab has pulled up alongside. Jimmy rolls down his window] Jimmy: Sir! I paid for that lady, and by taking her, you are no better than a common th-thief! Q Money: Fuck you, punk! [turns his steering wheel left so his car rams the cab. The cab spins away, but recovers and comes up along the passenger side this time.] Jimmy: Nut Gobbler, grab onto my crutch! [sticks it out for her to grab. She fails at grabbing it a few times, but finally succeeds. She begins to climb out of Q Money's car and has one leg out of the car] Q Money: [grabs onto Nut Gobbler's other leg] Get your ass back in here, ho! Nut Gobbler: Aaaah! [she's basically doing the splits between the cars] Jimmy: I got you, Nut Gobbler! [the two cars race down the streets with Nut Gobbler spread out between them like a Thanksgiving turkey] Scene Description: South Park Elementary Talent Show, now in progress. The Goth kids are now onstage. The Red Goth and Henrietta are on guitars, and the Kindergoth is on drums. The Tall Goth sings. Tall Goth: No no nono no, I'm not gonna be in the talent show. Oh no nono no. I'll never be in your faggy talent show. [the song ends and they walk offstage. Some applause for them comes up from the audience] Mrs. Garrison: Okay, that was the Goth kids with "Talent Shows Are For Fags" Tall Goth: That was killer. We showed them. Red Goth: Yeah, I hope we win. Scene Description: The streets of South Park, night. The two cars are still racing down the streets with Nut Gobbler splits between them. She's screaming from the pain Jimmy: Come on, ho! [the cars bump each other and pull apart, each male, Jimmy and Q Money, wanting Nut Gobbler with him. A motorcycle driver is coming towards them] Cabbie: Look out! Motorcyclist: Daww? Nut Gobbler: Aah?? [the motorcyclist smacks into Nut Gobbler's groin and gets stuck there as his motorcycle continues without him and falls away] NO! [the motorcyclist is screaming, but his screams are muffled. Q Money takes out his gun and takes a few shots at Jimmy. One shot gets him in the right shoulder and he has to let go of Nut Gobbler. Both she and the motorcyclist fall into Q Money's car] ' Jimmy: Eugh! Stay on him! I'm not giving up! [the chase continues] Scene Description: South Park Elementary Talent Show, now in progress. A magic act ends as the assistant steps out of a box. Kid Magician: Tada! [some applause comes up from the audience.] Mrs. Garrison: Okay, very nice, Clark and Laura. Very nice. [they carry off the box Laura was in] Our next act is Butters, who will be singing a song Stephen: [takes a picture] There's our boy. [Linda claps with the audience. The piano begins] Butters: Lu lu lu, I've got some... [pauses as he forgets the words] Some... uh, some uh... some, uh... Uuuhhh... Oh no! [a puddle of urine forms under him] No no noho noo! [runs off the stage] Mrs. Garrison: Okay, thank you Butters, very nice, short and sweet. [whips out a towel and wipes the stage clean of urine] Scene Description: The streets of South Park, night. The two cars are now bumping each other off. Q Money: Goddamn, this pimp just won't give up! Jimmy: [to the cabbie] Get close to him! [the cabbie does so, and Jimmy jumps onto the roof of Q Money's car. Q Money does what he can to shake Jimmy off, but Jimmy stays on. When Q Money draws close to the cab, Jimmy looks at the cabbie] How much do I owe you? Cabbie: [checks the meter] Six dollars and twenty-four cents. Jimmy: [reaches into his pockets and pulls out a ten dollar bill] C-can I just get two back, please? Cabbie: Oh, thank you very much. [smiles and gives Jimmy the two dollars] There you go. Have a good 'n. Jimmy: Thank you. [the cabbie leaves the scene, his job complete. Q Money continues flying down the street and into Colfax Point. The other prostitutes watch in shock. Q Money slams the car into a light pole and Jimmy is catapulted through the air and lands in a trash heap. Q Money takes Nut Gobbler out of the car and pulls her away by the hair again] Q Money: You're gonna pay for this, bitch! Nut Gobbler: No! Heelllp!! [The motorcyclist looks up dazed from the back seat of the crashed car. Jimmy makes his way out of the trash heap. Q Money drags Nut Gobbler up the stairs of a nearby building] Haaaaaaaaaa!! Jimmy: [in hot pursuit now] Don't worry, Nut Gobbler! I'm coming! [his penis gets hard again and he freezes] Oh Jesus, not now. [he gathers his legs tight so the erection doesn't show as much] Oh boy, this is embarrassing. [he walks off gingerly] Scene Description: South Park Elementary Talent Show, still in progress. Mrs. Garrison: And now we have Eric Cartman, who will be doing select readings from the movie, Scarface. [leaves as the curtains open] Cartman: [starts off with his back to the audience, then turns around] D'you know what you are? You're all a bunch of fucking cock roaches! You need people like me! You need people like me so you can point your fucking finger and say "That's the bad guy!" Well say goodnight to the bad guy!! Liane: That's my little boy. [smiles. Gerald and Sheila are stunned] Scene Description: Colfax Point, night. On the rooftop of the building, Q Money has Nut Gobbler on her knees and is ready to shoot her dead. Nut Gobbler: Please, Q Money! Don't do this! Q Money: I told you never to turn on me, ho! Jimmy: [catches up with the pair] Hey, j-j-jackass! [he and Q Money face each other] I'm sorry I resorted to calling you jackass just now, but I'm very upset! Q Money: And what are you gonna do, huh?! I've got four feet on you AND a gun! What do you have?! Jimmy: What do I have? The weapon of comedy. So apparently the Chinese and the Japanese aren't getting along lately. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? Q Money: What?! Jimmy: I'll tell you one thing: their food hasn't been getting along with my stomach for years. Q Money: [laughs] That's pretty good. Jimmy: Martha Stewart is out of jail. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? Q Money: [laughs] Oh yeah. That's right, she is. [behind him, Nut Gobbler grabs a pipe and approaches him silently] Jimmy: She's apparently gotten real good with baking cakes with keys in them. [Q Money laughs heartily as Nut Gobbler reaches him. She knocks him out with one blow to the back of the head.] Nut Gobbler: Serves you right, you son of a bitch! Jimmy: Nice teamwork, Nut Gobbler. Nut Gobbler: I can't believe you chased me all this way. You, you really care about me. Jimmy: Not really. You're just a hooker, and I need to get laid. The talent show could be over any minute. Nut Gobbler: That's good enough for me. [takes off her coat and poses enticingly] Take me to bed. [Jimmy approaches her, reaches out, and she falls back and lands with a thud on his arms and crutches. He then hoists her up and carries her down the stairs to the bottom floor of the building. He carries her out the door, through the group of hookers gathered to marvel at the sight, and towards a Ho-Tel. One admiring prostitute wipes away a tear. Jimmy carries Nut Gobbler through the door and onto a bed nearby. The door closes and the light goes out. All the other hookers keep applauding] Scene Description: South Park Elementary Talent Show, still in progress. Ike is onstage singing "Yankee Doodle Boy". Ike: I have a Yankee Doodle sweetheart,She's my Yankee Doodle girl.[holds up some sparklers]'Ankee Doodle came to London,Just to ride the ponies,[throws them off and gets inside a small cannon next to him. The barrel rises until it's in launch position]I am da Yankee DoodleI am da Yankee DoodleI am da Yankee Doodle boy.[The cannon shoots him out and he lands clear across the stage. Some applause greets the performance. As the props are taken away, Ike takes off his hat and bows low to everyone, then puts on his top hat and walks off] Mrs. Garrison: Okay, very nice, Ike, thank you. All right, children, it looks like we have no more contestants, which means, the Talent Show is over! [the children cheer and Principal Victoria nudges a sleeping Mr. Mackey] Principal Victoria: Mr. Mackey, it's over. Mr. Mackey: Huh? [takes off his glasses and rubs his eyes] Oh oh oh, right. Mrs. Garrison: Now we will tally up the judges' scores and find out which act they hated the least. Jimmy: Hold everything! [Mrs. Garrison looks up. Jimmy has entered the gym and walks towards the stage. The audience watches him head up the steps] Mrs. Garrison, if you don't mind, I'll be taking that microphone.. Mrs. Garrison: Okay, let's put our hands together for Jimmy Valmer. [some applause heads his way] Jimmy: Wow, what a terrific audience. So apparently it's been exactly two years since the fall of Baghdad. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? Just as B-Bush predicted, Baghdad fell, Iraq fell, Saddam fell. The only thing that didn't fall was ...the price of gas. [everyone laughs] I just read in the paper that China's protesting Japan. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? Yeah, I guess in China you don't get to- [his penis gets hard again and he's surprised] You've gotta be kidding me.

Scene Description: Jefferson Lake Recreational Area, daytime. Stan and Cartman are in a very nice boat, playing around. Cartman stands up and shoots at imaginary opponents. Stan: Dude, you are right, Cartman. Your uncle Roy has a sweet boat. Cartman: Yeah. Isn't this fun? Just you and me hangin' out, Stan. No stupid Kyle around. Stan: Man, I wish I could really drive this thing. Cartman: You know how? Stan: Sure I do! Cartman: Well here. [reaches down to grab something] Roy keeps the keys in the glove box. Stan: Dude, I don't think your uncle'd want us driving it. Cartman: Nobody's gonna know. We just drive it around the marina real quick. Look, if anything happens, I'll take full responsibility. Stan: [reaches over and grabs the keys.] Okay, turn on the ignition, Cartman: [puts on sunglasses as the engine purrs to life] Awesome. Stan: Okay... [pulls on a handle] Cartman: We're not moving. Stan: [pulls harder. The motor creates a froth of water behind the boat, which is still in place] Cartman: Maybe you have the parking brake on. Stan: Boats don't have parking brakes, dumbass! They only have the... oh wait wait. Neutral button! [presses that and the boat lunges out of its landing, spinning around a few times as it jumps another dock nearby. The boat goes forward in a haphazard manner. Both boys scream] Cartman: Other way! Other way! Stan: [pushes the handle forward again, but it breaks in his hand. He can no longer control the boat, so he and Cartman scream again, then] Jesus Christ!!! Cartman: Stan... beaver dam! [the boat approaches the dam quuickly] Very large beaver dam, Stan!! [the boat runs aground on the dam and the boys quickly jump out. The boat begins to smoke as the boys swim to the nearest shore. Stan, being lighter and faster, reaches shore first, then turns to wait for Cartman. The boat blows up and Stan shields his eyes. Cartman reaches the shore and walks up to Stan] Stan: Oh dude! Oh Jesus! Cartman: [turns around and sees] Dude! Stan! You are in serious trouble! Stan: You said you'd take responsibility to your uncle Roy! Cartman: I don't even have an uncle Roy! That was just some guy's boat I knew about. Stan: What? Cartman: Look, it's okay. We weren't here. This didn't happen, okay. We were both at my house all afternoon long playing Tea Party. Okay? Now come on, we gotta bail! [hustles up the beach] Stan: Oh God, I hope I didn't hurt any beavers. Cartman: [turns to look at Stan] Dude, come on! We've gotta get out of here! [Cartman turns back and continues up the beach. Stan turns and follows Cartman up] Scene Description: Splashy graphics appear as a program begins. Announcer: With an eye on America and all of today's events, it's South Park Evening News, with Tom Pusslicker Tom: Herro, crisis and fear tonight, as what appears to be a massive flood has overtaken the town of Beaverton, Colorado, home of the world's largest beaver dam. [the Marshes are shown eating off small folding tables with dinners on them and looking at the TV] Earlier today, a break in the beaver dam which protected the town broke open, trapping people in their houses and destroying their lives. [a helicopter camera catches the flooding] Sharon: Oh my gosh, those poor people. Field reporter: Tom, I'm currently ten miles outside of Beaverton, unable to get inside the town proper. We do not have any reports of fatalities yet, but we believe that the death toll may be in the hundreds of millions. Beaverton has only a population of about eight thousand, Tom, so this would be quite devastating. Tom: Any word on how the survivors in the town are doing, Mitch? [Stan has stopped eating. Sharon and Shelly continue.] Mitch: W-we're not sure what exactly is going on inside the town of Beaverton, uh Tom, but we're reporting that there's looting, raping, and yes, even acts of cannibalism. Tom: My God, you've, you've actually seen people looting, raping and eating each other? Mitch: No, no, we haven't actually seen it Tom, we're just reporting it. Scene Description: The Marsh living room Sharon: [rises and begins to pick up the spent trays] You all done with your fishsticks, Stan? Randy: [rises and takes his own tray up] I'll help you, Sharon. [looks at the screen] Boy, that's just awful. Tom: In the nearby town of South Park, the cause of the Beaverton flood is being investigated. Man 1: That's right! We know whose fault this is! Stan: Huh oh. [puts his hands to his cheeks. Shelly gives him a funny look] Man 1: It's George Bush's fault! Man 2: Yeah! George Bush doesn't care about beavers! Chet: George Bush didn't break that beaver dam! It was terrorists and Al Qaeda! Man 3: They've been secretly building beaver dam WMDs for years now! [a few other voices rise up to mention WMDs] Scene Description: The Marsh kitchen, later on. Randy is washing dishes, Sharon is drying them off. Stan appears at the kitchen entrance. Stan: Mom, Dad? [hesitating] The, they're gonna go help those people, right? Sharon: I don't know. You know, to me, it seems like the mayor of Beaverton should've done something about that dam years ago. Randy: Don't blame the mayor, Sharon. What about FEMA? Think this whole thing is really their fault. Stan: Ye-but, uh, s-somebody's gonna help the people off their, their rooftops, right? Randy: That's not important right now, son. What's important is figuring out whose fault this is. [nothing more is exchanged between Stan and his parents] Scene Description: South Park Elementary School, next day. The kids gather to enter the school. Scene Description: The school hall. Cartman is putting a blue folder away in his locker. Stan approaches. Stan: Dude! Dude, did you see the news last night? Cartman: Yeah. Stan: You saw all those people trapped on their roofs? Cartman: Shyeah, that was pretty funny. Stan: Pretty funny?! Dude, we did that!! That was our fault! Cartman: Hehey, no! We aren't the ones who built a town beneath a giant beaver dam, okay?! That's their fault! Stan: But they're trapped now and nobody's helping them! Cartman: Well they should've gotten out of there! Stan: Maybe they couldn't get out! Cartman: We did! Stan: Dude, ah I just... [walks around in a fog of worry] ah I don't know what to do here. Cartman: Ah ah ah, ah, I know what you're thinking, Stan. You're thinking, you're gonna go tell Kyle. Look, I know you think he's your best friend, but Kyle is a Jew rat! He has his Jew ethics while he hoards his greedy Jew gold, and he will Jew you out if you tell him about this! Kyle: [walks up behind Stan] Hey dudes. [Stan stands to one side so he can see Kyle clearly] Cartman: Oh hey, Kyle. Kyle: Sorry I couldn't make it yesterday. What'd you guys do? Stan: [looks at Cartman, then] Nothing. Cartman: [smiling proudly] Hngh, totally. Butters: [appearing] Hey, everybody, they just found out what caused the flood in Beaverton! [the other kids present in the hall follow Butters away. Kyle goes as well.] Cartman: [throws down his cap] Aw crap! Scene Description: The school cafeteria. Mr. Mackey stands next to a TV, and Principal Victoria goes up to join him. The kids are chatty. Mr. Mackey: Quiet, children, quiet! We need to hear. Tom: At first, nobody knew what caused the dam to break, but now, shocking new evidence has indicated that the flood in Beaverton was caused by... global warming! [everyone gasps. A new graphic appears onscreen - a globe] It now appears that... all rumors of global warming were true. We were warned this would happen and ...we didn't listen! [buries his face in his hands in anguish] We didn't listen! [composes himself] All the top Colorado geologists have gathered at the governor's office for an emergency meeting. Scene Description: The Governor's office, day. Randy addresses his peers in a meeting room. Randy: Ladies and Gentlemen, if Global Warming has in fact already caused the Beaverton flood, then this is only the beginning. The effects are going to spread. What we are looking at is a global warming catastrophe the likes of which we've never seen. [excited voices fill the room] Geologist 1: Excuse me, sir, but, ...when? When is this going to happen? Randy: My colleagues in the scientific community are still running tests, but... we believe it may happen... the day after tomorrow. [excited voices fill the room again: "Peas and carrots! Peas and carrots! Peas and carrots!"] Geologist 2: [an elderly gent] Excuse me, I'm sure we're all very impressed with your wild theories, Doctor uh, Marsh, but the fact is no statistical proof has ever been confirmed that global warming exists. Are you suggesting we shut down the economy?! Randy: With all due respect, cliché dissenting Republican, the economy isn't going to matter... the day after tomorrow. [excited voices fill the room again: "Peas and carrots! Peas and carrots! Peas and carrots!" The double doors open] Scientist 1: Listen! Listen! We've finished running the tests! Scientist 2: Global Warming is going to strike... two days before the day after tomorrow. Randy: [alarmed] Oh my God... That's today! [a few seconds of silence, then all the geologists begin to panic. Papers fly around the room as most of the geologists run outside.] Scene Description: Grocery Mart. The shoppers there begin to panic. News does spread fast. Scene Description: The town. Everyone panics. Some shoppers run through town with shopping carts of food. Scene Description: The school. Everyone clear out. Man 5: [runs by in front of the school] We didn't listen! Randy: [pulls up in the family car, with everybody else already inside] Stan! Get in the car! We have to evacuate! Man 6: [runs by in front of the camera] We didn't listen! [Wendy and her father run by, Anne and her mother run by.] Scene Description: A highway, bumper to bumper traffic on the way out. A lot of drivers beep their horns hoping other drivers in front of them start moving. Randy: [beeping his own horn] Come onnn, come on! Sharon: It's useless. This traffic isn't moving! Stan: Dad, isn't it possible the flood wasn't caused by global warming? I, I mean, the water was held back by a giant beaver dam, after all. Randy: No, Stan, I'm afraid us adults just let you children down. We didn't take care of our earth, and now you've inherited our problems. Driver: We didn't listen! Randy: [hears this and rolls down his window] We, we didn't listen! [rolls up his window] Come on! Everyone grab what you can! We have to walk! [the Marshes get out the car, carrying what they can, and leave the highway. In town the looting continues. An elderly man carrying a TV comes into view...] Man 7: [drops the TV and points] Oh Jesus, here it comes! Man 8: Global warming! [everyone runs away from whatever the man was pointing to, and soon the street is empty.] Man 9: [in the middle of the crowd] It's coming! Here comes global warming! Man 10: We didn't listen! [a camera in the sky begins to act the part of Global Warming as it focuses on a man and zooms in on him. The man turns and freezes in his tracks. The POV changes to a camera on the sidewalk watching the man's reactions. The man turns over a few times and stops moving, but no other camera is seen] Randy: [moving along with his family] Come on, hurry! [the panicking crowd overtakes them] Man 11: It's right behind us! [the Marshes stop to let the crowd through, then start moving again. The crowd returns and passes them again in the opposite direction] It's coming the other way! [the Marshes stop, then run back the way they came] Randy: Go back, go back!! Scene Description: The Park County Community Center, day. Stephen Stotch stands at the entrance urging people inside. Stephen: Everyone into the community center! Hurry! Go! Randy: [arrives to lend a hand] Get inside! We have to close these doors! [everyone for miles around comes and fills up the center. Again, the Global Warming camera focuses on the entrance and floats its way towards it. The last two people around, Stephen and Randy, close the doors just before the camera gets there.] Scene Description: The Park County Community Center, inside. Randy has taken command of global warming preparations. Randy: Come on, we've got to board up that last window! Seal off all the doorways! We must try to protect ourselves from the global warming. Sheila: Mr. Garrison, are you all right? Mrs. Garrison: I'm in pretty bad shape. My... leg is broken and my... left boob is leaking Sharon: [arrives with a blanket to wrap around Stan, who has a cot to sleep in, and is seated on it] Here you go, sweetheart. Stan: Mom, you know, those people in Beaverton are still trapped in the flood. Sharon: I know, but, I'm afraid it's too late for them, sweetie. We have to try and save ourselves now. Gerald: Shh, shh! We've got the television working! [one of two TVs in front of the crowd comes to life] Announcer: This is a FOX News update! Global Warming Disaster! Anchor: Global warming appears to have struck as predicted in the Colorado Rockies! All around the country, panic and chaos are settling in! Field reporter: Tom, I am standing just outside of Chicago, where the panic of global warming has already caused countless deaths. Already we're reporting that the death toll here in Chicago is over 600 billion people Officer Barbrady: Oh God. Stephen: [turns around in anger] This is all your fault, Jimbo! Jimbo: Me?? Stephen: Yeah! You drive that damn SUV around! You didn't even think about global warming, DIDJA?! Kyle: [with a cup of water, approaches Stan] Can you believe it, Stan? I never thought global warming could happen so fast. I guess... I didn't listen. Stan: Kyle, it... it isn't global warming. Kyle: Huh? Stan: [hops off his cot] Global warming isn't happening right now. It's, it's not what caused the Beaverton flood. Kyle: How do you know that? Stan: Because, I know what did cause the flood. Kyle: George Bush? Stan: No. Kyle: Terrorists? Stan: No. Kyle: Communists? Stan: No. Kyle: Chinese radicals? Stan: No. Kyle: ...Cartman? Stan: ...sort of. Kyle: [throws down his cup] Cartman flooded Beaverton?!! Stan: [pulls him aside to a more private area] Shh! Not, not exactly. We were messing around in this guy's new boat, and Cartman egged me on, and, and I crashed it into the Beaverton dam. Kyle: [thinks a bit] Dude, you have to tell everyone. Right now. Cartman: [arrives] Hey Stan. [studies Stan and Kyle's faces] Oh Goddammit you told Kyle, didn't you?! Kyle: Stan, people in Beaverton are still trapped on their roofs. Nobody's helping them because they think they can't go outside. Cartman: Oh, here we go. See? I told you! If you're so caring, Kyle, why don't you share some of your Jew gold with the people caught in the flood?! Stan: Look, maybe, maybe we can help those people in Beaverton ourselves. Kyle: How? Cartman: Why? Stan: We can sneak out of here, get a boat, and go help them off their roofs. That way, I can do the right thing, but still lie about it. Randy: [addressing the crowd] Listen, listen everyone! Nobody can leave this building! Mrs. Garrison: But... we need supplies, food, silicone. Randy: You go outside, and you'll die! By now, the global warming has... shifted the climate, [steps up to a laptop and presses a key. A rotating graph appears, with the graph line dipping low] bringing on a new ice age. Within the hour, the temperature outside will fall to over 70 million degrees below zero! Stephen: Jesus. Randy: All we can do... is try to wait it out, as long as we can. Gerald: And... the rest of the country? Randy: [sighs as he moves from the laptop to the blackboard and pulls out a marker] Everyone below this line [draws a line from the border of Colorado and New Mexico to West Virginia] will have to be evacuated to the south. Everyone above this line [draws a line from the border of Colorado and Montana to Lake Erie] is already dead. People like us in the middle states have to ride it out. [draws two lines connecting the two longer lines, around Indiana] The balmy southwestern states [draws an open circle around Arizona, most of New Mexico, California and Nevada] might have a chance but, New York [draws a short line around it] will have tidal waves that envelop all of the northeast. [the crowd looks at it for a long time, then a man puts his hand to his mouth and starts chuckling] What, Frank?! [Frank points at the inadvertent phallus Randy drew on the map. Randy looks and realizes what he did] Aw awww, Goddammit! [goes to scribble all over the map so the dong isn't so noticeable.] Scene Description: Beaverton, day. The flooded town is shown, and in the background, the shattered dam and empty lake. Resident 1: Hello? Anybody? We'd like to be rescued, please. Any day now. Resident 2: Why haven't they come for us? Resident 1: I... I don't know. Resident 3: Wait, look! Here comes a boat! Resident 2: Really? Oh! It's about time! Wife: Oh Kevin, we're saved! [buries her face in his shoulder] Resident 3: It looks like... three little boys. Resident 1: Hey, we'll take it! [they all start waving their arms] Over here, yes! Thank you! Thank you! [the boys appear, going backwards and screaming. They head for Beaverton Oil, a refinery nearby, and crash into it. The boys fall out of the boat and into the water, then pop up right away. Oil begins to pour out of pipes the boat broke upon crashing, and fire follows the oil. The oil slick rushes past the flooded homes, with fire riding it, and a wall of flames rises up] Oh, thanks. Thanks. That's a LOT better. Scene Description: Beaverton Oil, inside. The boys turn to watch the boat burn. Kyle: We can't get out! The flames are too big! Cartman: [turns around and heads towards Stan] Oh great! You see, Stan?! This is what you get for listening to Kyle! [Kyle turns and looks at him] "Oh, you've gotta help those people. It's your responsibility." Kyle: [walks towards Stan] Stan, it's over. You have to admit what you did so our parents can help us! [Stan looks down, unsure what to do] Scene Description: The Park County Community Center, inside. Preparations are ongoing. Randy: Stan?? Stan!! Gerald: Randy! We've looked everywhere! Kyle's missing too! Sharon: Oh my God! Where would they go?! Stephen: [on the public phone] Randy, Randy! Your son's on the phone! Randy: [gets to the phone and takes the receiver from Stephen] Stan?? Stan: Uh, hey Dad. Randy: Stan, you're alive! Stan: Dad, we're, we're trapped in Beaverton, We're, we were trying to save everyone! Randy: Stan, you must listen to me! You must stay indoors! Do not try to go out! Global warming has brought in a new ice age! Stan: No, Dad, listen: I need to tell you something. Randy: What is it, son? Stan: Nothing. Can you just come get us, please? Randy: You just stay put, son! I'm coming for you! Do you hear me?? I'm coming for you!! [hangs up the phone and struggles with his emotions, then grabs his coat and scarf and bundles up] Mr. Mackey: Randy, wheh-where are you going? Randy: I'm going to Beaverton. Tom: [Craig's father] You can't go out there! You'll freeze to death! Randy: My son is counting on me! Gerald: I'm going with you. Randy: You can't go out there! You'll freeze to death! Gerald: You can't do this alone! Stephen: Let me go too. Man 12: You can't go out there. You'll freeze to death. Randy: All right, come on, both of you! We've gotta pull together every warm piece of clothing we can find. Scene Description: South Park, day. If there's an ice age now, it certainly doesn't show. Randy, Gerald and Stephen are much too warmly dressed. They walk through town chain-gang style. Randy leads the men forward and takes a deep breath. Stephen collapses at the back end of the chain. Gerald and Randy spin around. Gerald: Stephen! [Stephen mumbles but can't get up] Stephen, you have to keep moving! Stephen: I can't go on! Feel so... hot. Randy: Feeling warmth is a symptom of the last stages of hypothermia! Gerald: Oh Jesus... [looking woozy] I feel warm too! Randy: Yeah, me too. [walks around Gerald] Stephen, we've gotta keep moving! We're in deep hypothermia, all of us! We've gotta keep the blood flowing! [bends down to help Stephen up] Gerald: Maybe we should... strip these jackets off, and warm our bodies next to each other! Randy: Don't be a fag! [turns around] Come on! We can make it! [the men move forward again] We have to try! Scene Description: The Pentagon, day. General: Come on, people, we're running out of time! We need all Army helicopters to the Southern states for evacuation NOW! Officer: Sir! More people in Beaverton are calling. They say they're trapped in floods and fire now. General: Tell them that the government can't help them, but that we're very sorry. You know the plan, people! We can only evacuate citizens below this line! [the very line Randy mentioned] Scientist: E-excuse me, General? General: WHAT?? Scientist: We've just compiled some new information. The er, the flood in Beaverton wasn't caused by global warming after all. General: What?? Scientist: We know the truth now. We know what caused it! [hands the general a photo. The general looks at it and his eyes grow big] General: Oh my God. Quick! Radio the helicopters! Scene Description: Beaverton, day. The flooded town is shown, but now there is fire as well. Almost every building is in frames, as is the town sign. Scene Description: Beaverton Gas. The boys wander around. Cartman: Help! Help! [a large drum falls from the ceiling in front of Kyle] Kyle: Dude, this whole building is going to collapse! Stan: We have to find a way out! [the boys start climbing the metal stairs] Scene Description: Beaverton, day. The army helicopters start showing up. The general leads the rescue effort. General: [through his bullhorn] Don't worry, everyone. The government is here to save you. [the helicopters hover above the homes and drop rope ladders down] Resident 1: Oh wow, thank you so much! What a swift and speedy rescue! Scene Description: Beaverton Gas. The boys climb up further. Stan: Come on! We've gotta get to the roof! [another drom falls near Kyle, shearing off the stairs they just climbed. Kyle falls on his ass and gets up] Kyle: Oh Jesus, we have to hurry! Stan: [stops before an opening in the wall, where he sees sky and...] It's- it's helicopters! They finally came to help everyone! [Kyle and Cartman are on a landing below. Kyle tries to catch up to Stan, but Cartman blocks his way] Cartman: Not so fast, Kyle. Kyle: What are you doing? Cartman: Hand over the gold! Kyle: What gold?? Cartman: You know what I'm talkng about! Kyle: No, Cartman, I have no idea what you're talking about! Cartman: All Jews carry gold in a little bag around their necks! Hand it over! Stan: [drops down a few steps and calls] Guys, come on! [goes back up the stairs] Kyle: Jews do NOT carry gold in a little bag around their necks.Cartman! Stop playing around! Cartman: [pulls out a 9 mm handgun, hopefully fake.] I'm not playing around, Kyle! If we survive this, I don't intend to live in poverty! Give me your Jew gold now! Kyle: Dude, we don't have time for your stupid jokes! We're gonna die! Cartman: Yes, but you can live if you give me your Jew gold! The decision is yours, Kyle! Kyle: Goddamnit, you know I don't carry gold in a little bag around my neck, Cartman! Whattaya want from me?! Cartman: I want... your Jew gold! [Kyle has run out of things to say and stands there. Cartman glowers at him, ready to fire the gun if he moves] Kyle: ...Okay, fine! Here! [opens his coat and pulls out a small black bag, and hands it to Cartman] Now let's go! Cartman: [moves the bag around for heaviness] Do you think I'm stupid?! I know that all Jews carry fake bags of gold around their necks to keep the real bags of gold around their necks safe! Hand over the real Jew gold, Kyle!! [Kyle, angered at this delaying tactic, pulls out another small bag from under his coat and walks over to Cartman. Cartman laughs evilly as Kyle approaches. Kyle smiles an evil smile back and tosses the second bag over his shoulder and into the fire below. Cartman rushes over to grab it, but doesn't get there in time Kyle rushes up the stairs at the other end of the landing] No! Noooooo! [watches the fire] Scene Description: Beaverton Oil, roof. A helicopter hovers over a roof opening. Stan and Kyle climb out of the building and head towards the helicopter, and climb on. Cartman climbs out of the building as the helicopter takes off. Cartman: Hey! Wait up, you assholes! God! [runs up to the platform and jumps on. The helicopter flies off] Scene Description: The Park County Community Center, inside. Everyone sits and waits. Mr. Mackey: Hey, look everybody! Helicopters! [a few people move forward to catch a glimpse though a crack among the boards nailed against the entrance] Sharon: They, they've got the boys! Tom: Global warming must be over! Man 13: We made it! [the crowd cheers, "We made it! Yeah! Woohoo"] Scene Description: South Park, outside. Three helicopters touch down in the middle of South Park Av. and drop off the Beaverton residents as well as the boys. The mothers approach. Sharon: Stanley! [stands next to him and goes down on one knee.] Sheila: Kyle! [Randy, Gerald, and Stephen are still sprawled on the ground nearby.] Randy: [raises his head] Stan? [turns to the other two men] We've found Stan! Ugh. [faints again] Mr. Mackey: So does, does this mean the storm is past. Global warming's over? General: Global warming didn't cause the Beaverton flood. We know now whose fault it is. [The boys look up. Stan is a little worried.] It was... [pulls out the picture he was handed earlier, and it's a crab person] Crab people! Crowd: Ohhhh. Theme: Crab People, Crab People, Taste like- Stan: [steps forward] Stop it! Stop it!! First it was terrorists, then George Bush and global warming and now you're all blaming crab people for something that's very simple! It's MY fault. I broke the dam. [the crowd falls silent for a few seconds] Cartman: ...Aw man. Sharon: [steps forward] Stanley. You? Man 14: No. Don't you see what this child is saying? We can't spend all our energy placing blame when something bad happens. He's saying... we all broke the dam. ' Stan: No. I broke the dam. Woman 1: I broke the dam. Man 15: I broke the dam. Man 16: I broke the dam. Stan: No. I broke the dam. Woman 2: And I broke the dam. Man 17: I broke the dam. Cartman: [steps forward] Hehe, I broke the dam. Hehe. Man 18: I broke the dam. Woman 3: I broke the dam. Stan: [annoyed that his admission isn't taking hold, adds emphasis] I broke the dam. I ran a boat into the dam and I broke it. Man 19: I broke the dam. Man 20: [deep voice] I broke the dam. Man 21: I broke the dam. Man 22: I broke the dam. Stan: No! I broke the fucking dam! Man 23: I broke the dam. Man 24: I broke the dam. Stan: I literally broke the dam! Man 25: I broke the dam. Man 26: I broke the dam. Stan: On a boat! That wasn't mine! Man 27: I broke the dam. Man 28: I broke the dam. Stan: I kept it secret, for two days! Man 29: I broke the dam. Man 30: I broke the dam. Stan: The boat caught on fire, and it exploded! Man 31: I broke the dam. Man 32: I broke the dam. Stan: Ohhh, fuck it!

Scene Description: Cartman's basement, afternoon. The fourth grade boys are seated at a large conference table. Stan and Kyle come down the stairs and see the rest of the boys. At table are, counterclockwise, Clyde, Kevin, Token, Craig, Bradley, Butters, a black-haired boy, Timmy, Francis, Tweek, and Kenny. Kyle: What are all you guys doing here? Clyde: I don't know. I got this emergency letter from Cartman that said to meet in his basement. [shows letter] Stan: Yeah, us too. Cartman: [closes the door and comes downstairs] Ah, gentlemen, thank you for coming. We don't have a lot of time, so I'll cut to the chase. The girls at our school have been hiding something from us, hiding something huge. Craig: What? Cartman: What if I were to tell you that the girls have a device, which allows them to see... into the future. Stan: What? Butters: How do you know? Kyle: The girls do not have a device that shows them the future Cartman. That's retarded. Clyde: [in an English accent. Cartman looks on, startled] YOU, SIR, MOCKED CARTMAN BEFORE, YET YOU TWO SIT HERE DEMANDING ANSWERS! [bangs on the table twice with his fist] NOW DAMN YOU, LET HIM SPEAK! Cartman: Thank you, Clyde. Uh, I'm afraid it's true. [pulls TV from the back] I secretly videotaped the girls in the playground yesterday using my Wellington Bear video camera [shows the camera]. I caught the following images on tape. I warn you, this images maybe be too shocking for young children. Butters: Okay. I'm not lookin'. [buries his face in his arms] Cartman: Video playback initialized. [presses play on the remote control and the screen shows the girls playing] Scene Description: School yard, playing on the TV Girls: [laugh] Bebe: Okay, okay. My turn, do me now! Kale: Okay Bebe. What do you want to know? Bebe: I want to know if I'm gonna live in a big mansion in the future. Kale: Okay, let's find out. Ready? [pulls out a paper fortune teller] Pick a number. Bebe: Four. Kale: One, two, three, four. Okay, pick a color. Bebe: Blue. Kale: B-L-U-E. All right pick another color Bebe: [off-screen] Red. Kale: 'Kaaay. Okay, will Bebe live in a big mansion in the future? [opens an interior flap] Definitely yes! Bebe: All right! Girls: Woohoo! You rock, Bebe! Boys: Whoa! Wow! Red: Do me next. I wanna know if I'm gonna marry somebody cute. Heidi: I'll do it! I'll do it! [takes the teller from the Kal] Pick a number. Red: Three. Heidi: One, two, three. Now, pick a color. Clyde: Where did they get that thing? [Kyle shushes him] Heidi: G-R-E-E-N. Red: Now blue! Heidi: The answer is no. [girls laugh at her] Red: Aw dangit! Stan: Oh my God, how does it know the answer? Craig: I... don't believe it. Cartman: Believe it. The girls can ask any question they want and it gives the answer. Freeze image! [presses the pause button] Gentlemen, we have to get our hands on that device. Scene Description: Cartman's backyard. The boys set up a containment tent. Token, Jason, and Kenny use pulleys to pull up the tent curtains. Craig and Bradley pull up a chalkboard with pictures of the girls. Someone rolls out the blueprints of the future telling device. The boy with the blue cap carries a box of equipment over to somewhere. The boys do other various tasks, Francis is at another computer. Cartman: [comes to Clyde and Kevin's table] How is the incubation shield coming Clyde? Clyde: It's all set. Once we have the device, it can be housed in here safely until we know what we're dealing with. Cartman: Good man. [goes over to the computer Kyle, Stan, and Token are working on] Any luck here? Kyle: The outside of the device seems to be covered in numerals. Inside are colors... which must open up to some sort of temporal time warp. Cartman: Good. Keep working. We want to know all we can before we try to operate it. [moves to the middle of the tent] All right, gentlemen, our containment center for the time warp is nearly complete. All that's left for us to do is get the device from the girls and bring it here. Craig: Let's go take it! Cartman: Don't be a fool, Craig. Do you really think the girls are just gonna hand that technology over? Stan: So what do you suggest? Cartman: Heidi Turner [turns on a projector on which is shown her picture] is going to have a slumber party on Thursday night. There's no doubt in my mind the girls will be using the future-telling device there. If we... can get somebody invited to that slumber party, not only can we get a hold of the device, but find out how to use it. Stan: Yeah, there's just one problem: a boy can't go to a chicks' slumber party. Cartman: No, not a boy, but a girl. One of us is gonna have to go undercover, show up in school tomorrow disguised as the new girl who just moved to town. Kevin: You mean like that movie, Juwanna Mann? Cartman: No, not like Juwanna Mann, Kevin, okay? It's way cooler than that! Stan: But if one of us pretends to be the new girl in class, the girls will wonder where that boy went. Cartman: Which is why we have to fake that boy's death. It's simple spy stuff, my friends. Take your top man, fake his death, then send him in disguised as the enemy. Kyle: That's a pretty solid idea. But who? Scene Description: The Stotch house, night. A police stops and two police officers arrive at the front door and knock the door Officer 1: Mr. and Mrs. Stotch? Stephen: Yes? What is it, officer? Officer 1: You'd better come quick. Officer 2: Your son is at the Bowery Building threatening to kill himself. Linda: What?! Scene Description: The Bowery Building. Police and people are gathering on the grounds and two spotlights shine on Butters who's standing on the roof's edge, ready to fall Officer 2: Don't do it son! You have too much to live for! [a patrol car pulls up with Stephen and Linda] Linda: Oh my God, Butters! Butters: Oh uh, hi Mom. Cartman: [behind Butters] Just keep stalling, Butters. We don't have the dead pig quite ready yet. [Clyde, Stan, and Craig dress the pig while Cartman makes a Butter mask for it] Stephen: [grabs the bullhorn from the officer] Butters? Butters, whatever is troubling you, this isn't the answer. Look at all these people who've come out for you! Just come down, son, and... we promise we won't ground you for more than a couple of weeks. Butters: N'aw geez! Now I'm gonna get grounded, too. Cartman: Okay, it's ready! Step down, Butters. [the pig is done, Butters steps down, and the pig is shoved into place] Linda: He, h-he's coming down! Oh thank God! Officer 1: No, wait. What... what's he doing? [the Butters mask appears over the ledge] Cartman: Okay. One! Two! [Craig, Clyde, and Stan push the dressed pig] Officer 3: JESUS CHRIST! [Linda screams. The pig drops to the ground and explodes, splattering everyone around with blood and guts] Linda: OHHHH MY GOD!! Doctor: [walks up to the body and rests his finger on a completely exposed blood vein] He... didn't make it. Linda: NOOOOO!! NOOOOO!! My son is DEAD!! NOOOO!! Cartman: Nice. Scene Description: South Park Cemetery Priest Maxi: And he shall be remembered as the peaceful little boy who warmed his parent's hearts. [Linda sobs uncontrollably] Lord, as we commit this child's body to the earth, may we ask it'd be the last child you strike down so mercilessly. We know this request to be futile, Lord, but just though we would ask. [the casket is lowered]'' Linda: NOOOO! NOOOO! BUTTERS! [jumps on the casket and Stephen and another woman holds her] Don't put him down there! Don't put him down there! Scene Description: South Park elementary, Ms. Garrison enters Ms. Garrison: Okay children, let's take our seats. Now I know that we're all still in deep, deep mourning over the tragic death of our classmate, Butters. Red: Who's Butters? Ms. Garrison: But we all must try to move on. And so I'd like you to help me welcome a new student who was just moved here from Dallas. Children please say hello to... Marjorine. [Butters enters dressed as Marjorine, a blonde girl, with wig askew] Butters: Oh... Thank you. [curtsies] Cartman: [whispers to Stan]Dude, I think it's totally working. The girls are totally buying it. [clears his throat] Ms. Garrison: Why don't you tell the children a little bit about yourself, Marjorine? Butters: Well, I'm just a typical little girl. I like dancin' and ponies. a-and [squeezes his eyes shut] getting my snootch pounded on Friday night. Clyde: Nice. Ms. Garrison: Now Marjorine, that's not very ladylike. Us Colorado girls love to get pounded in the snootch just like any woman, but we keep it to ourselves. Butters: Oh... Bebe: That girl sure has a strange sense of fashion. Cartman: [pretends like he's yawning] Dude, they totally think he's a girl. [coughs] Ms. Garrison: All right, have a seat, Marjorine. I'm sure all the other girls will be happy to show you around the school. [the girls look cross] Won't you, girls? Red: Where do you buy your clothes? Butters: Oh. Uhm, you know. Girl places. Cartman: [pretends like he's yawning] Dude, they've bought it hook line and sinker. [coughs] This is going swimmingly. [coughs] Scene Description: Turner's house, basement. Heidi is stirring lemonade. Mrs. Turner: [enters the basement carrying a bowl] Heidi, sweetie, I'm just gonna set the snacks over here. Heidi: 'Kay Mom. Mrs. Turner: Oh, and Heidi, there's going to be one extra girl coming to your slumber party. Heidi: Who? Mrs. Turner: The new girl in your class, Marjorine. Heidi: Mom, I didn't invite her! Mrs. Turner: I know, sweetie, but I got a call from Marjorine's mother. Heidi: Her mother? Mrs. Turner: She said Marjorine is having a really hard time being in a new school. Her mom asked me personally if we could have Marjorine over, and besides, her mother told me that she works as a state official and that I should [slows down a bit] respect her authoratay. Scene Description: Stotch house. Linda is crying in the bedroom. Stephen: Linda? Linda, please come downstairs. Linda: [through her tears] Why couldn't we help him? Why is our little boy dead? [continues crying. Stephen leaves her alone and walks downstairs] Stephen: [sees Butters on a family portrait] Oh butter! Oh Butters, I miss you so much! [the doorbell rings and he opens the door] An Old Farmer: Mr. Stotch. I know what you're thinkin'. Stephen: Who are you? An Old Farmer: [in a spooky accent] I came to talk you out of it. You need to... just accept that your son is dead, not try to bring him back. Stephen: Bring him back? W-What are you talking about? An Old Farmer: [comes in] I know you're thinkin' of puttin'; him up there, the Indian Burial Ground up that road. You're thinking if you bury his body there, he will come back alive. Sometimes, dead is better. Stephen: Indian... Burial Ground? An Old Farmer: It's been done before, what you're thinkin' of. The Nelson boy, back in '85. Stephen: You're saying if I... dig up my son's body and rebury him at the... old Indian Burial Ground, that I- An Old Farmer: Don't do it Stotch! What comes out of the ground ain't the thing you put in. The Indians knew that. That's why they stopped using it when the ground went sour. I'm just here to talk you out of it. [walks towards the front door, which is still open, then turns around] Don't bury your son's body at the Indian Burial Ground, Stotch! The one that's right up over there, behind Andersons' bar. Sometimes... dead is better. [walks out] Scene Description: Heidi's house. Across the street, the boys peek out from behind bushes Stan: All right, Butters, that's Heidi's house. Butters: [dressed as Marjorine] I can't do it, fellas. I can't go into a girls' slumber party! What if they find out I ain't a girl? Clyde: You're gonna be fine. Cartman: Now Butters, we don't know exactly what is that girls do at their slumber parties. But if they start, you know, lezzing out, just roll with it. Butters: Lezzing out? What's lezzing out? Kyle: Now look, Butters, when the girls bring out the future-telling device, pay attention to how it works. Once you know how to operate it, just grab it and get the hell out of there. Butters: Then I can go home and tell my mommy and daddy I'm not really dead? Stan: Yeah dude, of course. Now go, the party's already started. Clyde: Good luck, man. [Kyle gives him a push, and Butters is off] Cartman: Remember Butters, you must get that future-telling device from the girls at all costs! And just roll with it if they start lezzing out. [Kyle glares at him] Scene Description: Heidi's house, basement. Heidi's father enters the room with the build of a bodybuilder, and her mother. Mr. Turner: All right, now we all want you to have a good time. But as Heidi's parents, tonight it is our responsibility to look out for all of you. There's not gonna be any drinking, no pot, and most importantly, if I catch any boys anywhere near this party, they're gonna be in a world of hurt. [Butters mumbles and sighs a bit] All right, have a nice time, girls. [both parents leave] Heidi: So, what do you guys wanna do first? Bebe: We could play "girl talk." [the other girls approve] Red: I bought the new Justin Timberlake CD. We should dance to it. [the other girls approve again] Butters: How about we read each other's future? Wendy: I know. Let's do "Light as a feather, stiff as a board." [the girls approve, then spread out. Kale and Emily light candles and place them on the rug. Bebe turns the lights off, and the girls gather, making a circle around the candles] Who wants to do it first? Red: I will. [gets in the middle and lays down] Butters: Oh geez, are we gonna start lezzing out? [the girls look at Butters in astonishment for a moment, then they turn back to the center of the circle] Wendy: Light as a feather, stiff as a board. Girls: [getting louder as Red begins to float upwards] Light as a feather, stiff as a board! [Red is floating, making Butters scream] Scene Description: Outside, the boys are hearing Butters scream. Kyle: Jesus, what are they doing in there? Cartman: God only knows the horrors that go on in girls' slumber parties. Let's just hope Butters can survive it. Scene Description: Back to Heidi's house Butters: AAAAAAAH NOO! Witches! You're all witches! [Red floats back down, Bebe turn on the lights, and Heidi faces Butters] Heidi: Marjorine, what is your problem? Butters: Huh? Oh nothin'. Hey, you guys wanna tell each other's futures now? Red: Yeah. I can tell your future, Marjorine! You're going to live alone your entire life because you're a nerdy, dorky geek. Heidi: Yeah, and your hair is totally stupid. [Butters looks at his hair ashamed] Bebe: Yeah, and you're flat! [Butters looks down at his chest] Red: Marjorine, why don't you just leave? Nobody wants you here! Scene Description: South Park cemetery. Butters' tombstone is shown. Stephen approaches with a shovel, and kneels to the grave Stephen: Hello son. Don't you worry. Daddy's gonna make everything all right again. [begins shoveling dirt out of the way as the sky crackles with thunder and lightning. He finally reaches the coffin and opens it] There he is. There's my boy! Come on, Butters! [lifts the pig out of the coffin] Oh... Butters... you smell like... bacon [carries the carcass] Don't worry. We're gonna bring you back, son. We're gonna bring you back! Scene Description: Heidi's house, basement Wendy: I think we went too far with Marjorine. Bebe: She's in the bathroom crying. [the girls move towards the bathroom] Heidi: [knocks on bathroom door] Marjorine. Butters: [sobbing inside] Nobody likes meee... Bebe: Aw gee, she's really upset. Wendy: I feel terrible, you guys. It can't be easy being the new girl in school. Heidi: Marjorine? Marjorine? Hey, we didn't mean it. Butters: You don't know how hard it is to be me. [continues sobbing] Bebe: Marjorine, we were just teasing. We think you're great. Butters: You think I'm ugly-ehehee... Wendy: You're not ugly, Marjorine. Butters: You said I'm ugly and flat. Heidi: Marjorine, you just have a different look, that's all. We just... we need to help you bring out your inner beauty. Wendy: Yeah. How about we all give you a little makeover, Marjorine? Girls: Yeah. Let's go! Butters: [opens the door] You mean it? Scene Description: Outside Turner's house, the boys keep watching. Kyle: Dude, it's been too long. Something's wrong. [Craig takes out binoculars to look] Stan: Maybe they found him out. Clyde: Then, he's already dead. Stan: Come on, we gotta go check on him. [Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny move towards the house, reaching the storm cellar.] Kyle: Can you see anything? [the boys see Butters dancing with the other girls to Justin Timberlake's song "Rock Your Body"] Stan: He's just dancing around. Cartman: That son of a bitch! Mrs. Turner: Marjorine, sweetie your mom's on the phone. Butters: [stops dancing] My mom? [goes upstairs to the kitchen to answer the phone] Hello? Cartman: Butters! Just what the fuck do you think you're doing?! Butters: Well, I'm just having some fun with my girlfriends. Cartman: You aren't there to have fun, you black asshole! You were supposed to be getting the future-telling device. Butters: Well, I'm workin' on it. Cartman: Working on what?! Your dance moves?! Butters: Now look! I'm getting pretty sick of this! Well I put myself through a lot, and you can't talk to me like that! Uh... mom. Cartman: Just do what you were sent to do, dickface! [hangs up] Scene Description: The Indian Burial Ground, Stephen gets in the middle and starts digging a hole in order to bury "Butters" again. Scene Description: Heidi's house. Butters returns to the basement Red: He yMarjorine, you wanna know your future? Butters: Ah. Uhh, could I hold that? Heidi: Sure. [hands the future teller to Butters, but doesn't take it yet] Here, you do my future. Butters: How? Heidi: Well uh you know, it's easy. You just put your thumbs and index fingers in here... Scene Description: Upstairs, Mr. Turner checks with a binocular outdoors. He spots Craig, who senses this and lowers his binoculars Mr. Turner: Aha! I knew it! Boys in the slumber party! Scene Description: Downstairs, Butters gasps Heidi: There's a boy here? Butters: [moves towards the stairs pointing the future device] Stand back! I had a... great time tonight, but I gotta do what I was sent here to do! [runs up the stairs and outside] Scene Description: Outside. Craig: He got it! He got the device! [the boys surround Butters] Cartman: Tango tango tango! We've got it! Let's get it to the containment center! Go! [Clyde runs up, gets it, and runs off] Stan: Come on, Butters. Butters: No! That darn device is nothin' but trouble! Ah I'm done, and I'm goin' home to tell my Mom and Dad I'm not dead! [takes off his make up and runs off] Heidi: [appears at the doorway with her mom and dad and the other girls] What the hell? Cartman: aahahaha, we have the device now! The power belongs to us! [turns around and runs as the other boys run away] Heidi: ...Anybody have a piece of notebook paper so I can make another one? Scene Description: Cartman's backyard Jason: Go! Go! Get in the containment field! [Clyde enters it and takes the future device attached to a stick, to the incubation shield. He places it inside. A glass covers it and seals it. Clyde then takes off his clothes and enters a decontamination shower] Scene Description: The Stotch house Linda: Stephen, you did what?? Stephen: I had to, Linda. If there was even the slightest chance it would bring him back! I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing anymore! Linda: You dug up our son's body? Performed some kind of pagan ritual? Stephen: Linda, I did it for you, you wanted him back so much! So did I! Linda: Not like this! [slows the voice down] Not like this. He wouldn't be our son, Stephen. He would be a walking abomination. An unholy demon spawn! [knocks are heard on the front door and they both gasp] Butters: Hello? Stephen: It's him. Linda: Keep the door locked. Butters: Mom? Dad? Uh, it's me, Butters. I'm back. [his parents are horrified] Linda: Oh God... [Butters knocks again, then tries to turn the doorknob.] No! [Butters keeps trying to open the door, Linda hides her face on Stephen's shoulder. Silence. Linda begins to cry] Stephen: [soothes her] It's gone, dear. It's gone. Forgive me. Butters: [enters through the back door] Hey Mom and Dad, I'm not- [Linda screams and hides behind the couch] Stephen: Oh God, it's terrible. What have I done?! Butters: Uh, I guess you're probably a little surprised to see me. Linda: It isn't right! Make it go away! Scene Description: The containment center Cartman: Gentlemen, this is a historic day for all of the boy, and mankind. In a few moments, we will know the future. [handles the future-telling device with black gloves] Stan: Ho-Hold on on guys. We're not sure what this device is capable of. Maybe we should wait until we've had more time to study it. Cartman: No, No! We don't have time for that, Stan. It's time to ask questions. Clyde: How come you get to use it first? Cartman: Because I do, Clyde. Craig: I wanna use it. Cartman: I'm askin' the first question! Let's just start with something simple. Will Kyle die before he's twenty? Kyle: Wait! I don't wanna know that! Clyde: Ask if the Broncos are gonna win on Sunday. Jason: Nah dude, then it won't be fun to watch. Cartman: Will you all shut up so I can do this!? Craig: You shut up, asshole. Kyle: I don't wanna know when I'm going to die, fatass! [everyone starts arguing] Stan: Guys, guys, guys, stop! [everyone goes silent] Look at what this thing is doing to us. Butters was trying to tell me something outside the house. That this device is nothing but trouble. I think I know what he meant now. Jason: How could be nothing but trouble? Stan: We risked everything to get it from the girls. How long before the girls attack us to get it back? Clyde: Yeah. Forget about the girls. What about if the CIA or, or the Russians know we have this? They'll come after us for sure. Craig: Maybe we should take it so someplace safer. Stan: And then what? Hide it forever from the government? From the... terrorists who want to use it for evil? Maybe... maybe nobody is meant to have this kind of power. Bradley: You mean destroy it? Cartman: Are you guys nuts?! After everything we've gone through!? Stan: We got it away from the girls. That's what matters. But now the right thing to do isn't using it ourselves, then we're no better than they are. Cartman: Think of the power! Kyle: It's too much power. For anybody. Stan's right. It has to be destroyed. Scene Description: In the woods. Kenny pours propane on the future device and walk back to the crowd of boys. He holds in his hand a detonator Cartman: Are we sure about this? We'll never know the future. Stan: Nobody will. That's the way it's suppose to be. Hit it, Kenny. [Kenny presses the button, the device explodes, destroying the surrounding area; the explosion is seen from space. Cartman and Kenny get up covered in ashes] Cartman: Damn, Ken. Scene Description: Stotch's house. Stephen takes Linda to the basement while consoling her]'' Stephen: Here. Here, you see? It's going to be all right. Hello... son. [Butters is shown shackled by the neck with chains attached to the basement walls] Butters: Hi Dad. Linda: He was supposed to stay dead! Butters: Mom, Dad, can I come upstairs now? Stephen: Sorry, son, but... you're a demon spawn now. You're an abomination. Butters: Can I have something to eat? Well, I'm pretty hungry. Linda: It's... hungry. Stephen: Yes, it must feed. Scene Description: Upstairs. Stephen opens the front door Rachel: Hello, I'm Rachel with Quality Curtains. Stephen: [nervously] Oh yes, thank you for coming. Rachel: Which room are we looking at? Stephen: Just follow me to the basement. Linda: Yes. The basement. Rachel: [Rachel enters the basement; she begins walking down the stairs] Oh my, it's pretty dark down here. You sure you need curtains? [sees Butters shackled up] Oh my God! Butters: Uh hello, I'm Butters. Rachel: Little boy, what are you doing here? [Stephen kills Rachel with one hit of a shovel] Butters: Huh? Stephen: [shoves Rachel's corpse closer to Butters with the shovel] Here you go, son. Eat! Linda: What are we becoming?! Stephen: Come on. Don't watch it eat. [they turn around and go up the stairs] Butters: Can I just have some Spaghetti-O's?

Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Mrs. Garrison arrives to start class. A carton of eggs sits on her desk. Mrs. Garrison: Okay, children, this week we are all going to learn about parenting. [writes the word on the board.] I'm going to pair all the boys and girls in class into couples, and give each couple... [opens the carton of eggs and holds an egg up for the class to see] an egg. You must care for and look after this egg just like a baby for one full week. If you break your egg, it means you have a dead baby, and if you kill your baby, you get an F. When I announce your names, please move and sit with the person you're paired with. [on a magnetic board she has the girls listed on a table and the boys listed outside the table. She pairs the boys up with the girls as he calls them.] Heidi, you'll be with Eric. Heidi: [dissatisfied] Awww! Mrs. Garrison: Annie, you'll be a family with Timmy. Timmy: Timmiih! Mrs. Garrison: Millie, your husband is Craig. Powder, you and Kenny are a loving couple now. Stan: [worried] Oh no, dude, he's gonna put me with Wendy. Kenny: (So?) Mrs. Garrison: Aaand let's see who else we have here, uh... Stan: So, I haven't even spoken to Wendy since we broke up. Mrs. Garrison: And, Wendy? Wendy will be with Kyle. Stan: Kyle?? Mrs. Garrison: Bebe, you're paired up with Stan. Lola and Token, Red and Craig, and Esther and Bradley. [the kids begin to pair up. Mrs. Garrison begins to distribute the eggs] Now, I'm going to sign each of your eggs myself, so that we'll know it's the same one at the end of the week. That way if anybody cheats and tries to replace their eggs, we'll know, Eric. [gives him a stern look] All you have to do is make it to Friday with your egg unharmed to prove what great little parents you are. [Token is somewhat shocked that he got a brown egg. Mrs. Garrison returns to the front of the class] Okay children, you can now take the rest of the school period to decorate your egg however you wish. Good luck, and remember, a dead baby means an F for the parents. [the kids begin decorating their eggs, and music begins to play] [seated at his desk gazing at the students, daydreaming] Just look at all these little families Newfound couples in a happy home. It takes me back to another time When I had a love of my own. [holds in her hands a signed portrait of Mr. Slave] [bolts up and starts singing aloud] Love, love lost long ago, it was special then, it's over now. [picking flowers in a meadow] Love, so darn frail, you know? It shriveled and died. I don't know how. [Stan wanders through the neighborhood with hands in his pockets and reaches Wendy's place. He looks through a window and sees Kyle and Wendy working on their assignment in the kitchen. Mr. Garrison appears next to him] Love, love lost long ago, it was special then, it's over now. [prances through town and stops at a bridal shop. She imagines himself as the bride] Guess that I'll never know how it all went wrong. How how how? [sits on her bed holding the portrait, then decides to drive to Mr. Slave's house.] Well perhaps I should try and boldly go and rekindle that love lost long ago. [steps out of his car, goes up to the doorbell, and rings it. Mr. Slave opens there, then expresses a muted surprise] Hello, Mr. Slave. [bats her eyes at him] Mr. Slave: Mr. Garrison! Ohoh, Jezuth! Mrs. Garrison: [sweetly] Just let me say what I came here to say. I know we had a falling out and... things were said that... shouldn't have been said. I want to apologize for calling you a faggot. Mr. Slave: That's, that's wonderful, Mr. Garrison! Mrs. Garrison: Well, wait, wait, it gets better. I've forgiven you for walking out on me after I had my sex change, and uh... [gushes] And I'm ready to take you back, Mr. Slave! Mr. Slave: Ooooo... Mrs. Garrison: Well, give us a kiss! Big Gay Al: [appearing in the background] Say, honey, is that the pizza? [Mrs. Garrison is dismayed that it's Big Gay Al Mr. Slave is with] Mrs. Garrison: [storms inside] What the hell is he doing here?! Mr. Slave: Mr. Garrison, Al and I have been living together for a few months. Mrs. Garrison: Well, that didn't take you long, did it?! Big Gay Al: Slave, should I leave you two alone? Mrs. Garrison: Yes! Mr. Slave: No! [walks over to Big Gay Al and stands next to him] Mr. Garrison, there's something you should know. Al and I are getting married. Mrs. Garrison: Married?! Big Gay Al: [holds Mr. Slave's hand] Yes. Mrs. Garrison: You can't get married! You're faggots! Mr. Slave: [puts his hand to his forehead] Oh, Jesus Christ. Mrs. Garrison: Mr. Slave, I am legally a woman now! If you wanna get married, you have to marry ME! Big Gay Al: Oh that's not true! Colorado is about to pass a bill which allows same-sex marriage. Mr. Slave: We're getting married right after the bill passes on Saturday. Mrs. Garrison: Oh, that's just great! They're gonna let queers and homos get married, huh?! Mr. Slave: Okay, that's enough. Out, Mr. Garrison. Mrs. Garrison: We'll just see about this, you fudge-packin' fags!! I'll stop that gay-marriage law! [turns and leaves for the front door] Mr. Slave: Oh my God, you're just saying that because you're jealous. Mrs. Garrison: [turns around] Jealous of what?! I'm doin' this out of principle! To protect the sanctity of marriage! [backs up towards the front door] Fags are gettin' married over MY DEAD BODY!! [slams the door shut. Mr. Slave and Al look at each other] Scene Description: Stan's house, living room. Stan sits at the coffee table steaming over the pairing of Wendy and Kyle. A cordless phone sits before him. He picks it up and dials it. It rings at a house, and Kyle goes over to answer it. Kyle: Hello? Oh, hey, dude. Stan: So, what are you and Wendy doing? Kyle: Oh, we're just makin' a cradle out of an egg carton for our egg. We figure that way it'll be easier to keep safe so we can get an A. Stan: Uh huh... Kyle: I don't think it's gonna be that hard to keep it from breaking. This whole assignment is stupid. Stan: Yeah, well, so is your hat. [hangs up and sets the phone down. Kyle is puzzled, Stan is upset. The doorbell rings and Stan goes to answer it] Bebe: [holding their egg] Stan, I need you to watch the egg for a while. Stan: I can't. I'm busy. Bebe: I've been looking after it all day. I have to go to the hair salon and the candy store! Stan: ...So take it with you! Bebe: Stan, this is our egg. We're both supposed to take care of it. Stan: [crosses his arms, turns around and goes inside] Well, maybe I didn't want to have an egg with you, okay, Bebe?! Bebe: [follows him in] Well, whether you wanted to or not, doesn't really matter now! We're going to get graded together! It's your egg too! Own up to your responsibilities! [leaves the egg with him and walks out. Stan stands there with the egg for a few moments, then sits on the sofa and tosses the egg aside. He turns on the TV to catch an episode of "One Day At A Time"] Scene Description: South Park, in front of the library. Mrs. Garrison is speaking to a large crowd gathered there. Mrs. Garrison: These homosexuals think they can just step all over our traditions! Well I say: Marriage is a holy sacrament between a man and a woman! [the crowd applauds] Woman: Who is that lady? Man: I don't know, but she is pissed. Mrs. Garrison: They passed this law behind our back! We need to tell the governor and the world that gay marriage is not okay! That homosexuals cannot muddy our traditions! And there is only one way for us, all together, to make that message very clear! We need to round up three or four queers and beat the livin' hell out of them! [Everyone else falls silent. She steps out from behind the podium and crouches a bit] Come on, everybody! Let's get some queers, and some trucks, and have us a good old-fashioned fag drag! Man 2: Well uh, we were thinkin' we would, you know, just go appeal to the Governor. Mrs. Garrison: Appeal to the Governor? Oh,come on! Where's your balls?! Fag drag! Man 3: We don't "hate" homosexuals, we, we we just don't want them to be able to marry. Man 4: Yeah, we were just thinkin' o' goin' and askin' the Governor to veto the bill. Man 5: Yeah. Mrs. Garrison: [looking all alone now] Eh fah, fag drag? Scene Description: Governor's building, day. Mrs. Garrison stands with a crowd of supporters inside the Governor's office. Mrs. Garrison: Governor, we have collected over one thousand signatures requesting that you veto this gay-marriage bill! Bill Owens: [with emotion] Oh jeez, I knew this would happen. First the gay people come in here wanting equal rights, then this bill gets passed and now all the people against it want me to veto it. [slams his right fist on his desk]> Why do I have to make this decision?? /> Mrs. Garrison: Because you're the governor? Bill Owens: I just wanted a big house and lots of respect. I didn't want this kind of responsibility. [rises form his desk and turns away, walking towards a window] I mean, I don't know anything about gay marriage. What argument can I use to deny them their right to a family? Mrs. Garrison: Well, think of the children! If you allow gays to get married, then you're also givin' them full rights as parents to adopt. You think kids can be raised by queers?? Bill Owens: I can't use that argument. There's never been a study done which proves that either way. Mrs. Garrison: [gets an idea] But, if you had such a study, a scientific study which proved same-sex couples are incapable of raising a child... Bill Owens: Then I would have something to fall back on. So-something to take all the pressure off of me. Mrs. Garrison: [confidently] Mr. Governor, I will get you that study. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids trickle into class. Bebe approaches Wendy, each one holding an egg. Bebe: Hey Wendy, how's your egg doing? Wendy: Oh great. It's a pretty easy project. Kyle's really good with the egg. [beams at Kyle. Stan looks on, miffed] Bebe: Yeah. [gets angry] I wish I had a partner like Kyle! I went to go pick up the egg from Stan yesterday, and his dog had it in its mouth! Our egg isn't gonna last a week with Stan around! Mrs. Garrison: [enters with four big books and drops them on her desk] Okay, students, change of plan! [walks over to the magnetic chalkboard] You've all been doing a great job taking care of your eggs, but now we're going to mix it up a little. Wendy and Kyle will no longer be together. Stan: [points at Kyle] HA! Mrs. Garrison: Let's see what happens when we put two same-sex couples together to take care of an egg, shall we?! Kyle, you are now with Stan! And Wendy is with Bebe! [Kyle and Wendy exchange glances] Kyle: Why? Mrs. Garrison: Come on, Bebe. We'll take your egg for you and Wendy to look after. Bebe: Oh, goodie. [moves over to take a seat next to Wendy] Mrs. Garrison: And we'll just take this egg for Stan and Kyle to look out for. [takes Wendy's egg...] Wendy: No. No, that's my egg. Mrs. Garrison: Wendy, we're doing an experiment. [...and gives her Bebe's egg...] Here you go, boys. [...and gives Wendy's egg to the boys] Wendy: But I made that egg. Mr. Garrison, please. Youyou can't give my egg to Stan, he'll break it. Mrs. Garrison: [ebullient] Hoh now, what makes you say that, Wendy? I'm sure two boys can handle an egg just fine... [goes towards the chalkboard, scheming] And if not, we'll certainly prove a point to that goddamned Governor, won't we? Kyle: Who? Mrs. Garrison: [shifty] Never mind, just carry on, children. Just carry on as two reckless little boys will. Scene Description: Kyle's house, day. He and Kyle are in the kitchen. Kyle is designing a container for their egg. Kyle: Okay, there. Now we can carry this egg around in this case without it getting cracked. Stan: Alright, give it to me. I'll take it home tonight. Kyle: Look, Stan, you want me to just take care of this egg? Stan: [suspicious] Why do you say that? Kyle: It's just that... I really need this A, Stan. And Bebe did say you almost broke your last egg. Stan: That's because I was pissed off! Kyle: At who? [the doorbell rings] Heh- hang on. [goes to answer the door and finds Wendy outside] Wendy: [wistfully] I wanna see my egg. Kyle: Huh? Wendy: [enunciates] I want to see my egg. Kyle: Wendy, it isn't your egg anymore! Wendy: Yes it is. I made it, I decorated it. Kyle: Well, you might have made it, but we're the ones who are taking care of it now. You have your own egg to look out for! Wendy: ...I just wanna hold my egg for a couple of minutes. Kyle: [consoles her a bit, but turns her away] Wendy, I just wanna get an A, okay? Let's not make this any more confusing than it already is. <>[Stan peeks out from the kitchen and sees Kyle's arm around Wendy] Wendy: Don't let anything happen to it, please. [Stan gets upset and disappears back into the kitchen] Kyle: Wendy, nothing's gonna happen to the egg. You can have it when the week is over and I have my grade. [slams the door on her and returns to the kitchen, where an angry Stan is sitting in his chair with his arms crossed] Freakin' weirdos, man. Stan: You think you're so great, don't you?! Well guess what?! Maybe I don't need your help! I'm taking the egg home tonight, and I'm gonna show everybody tomorrow that I'm every bit as good an egg-take-care-over as you! [hops off the chair and rushes out the side door] Kyle: What the hell is wrong with everybody? Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Mrs. Garrison enters with more books. Mrs. Garrison: Okay, children, it's Wednesday! Time for an official egg check! Heidi and Eric? Heidi: Our egg is fine. Mrs. Garrison: [writes OK on their row] Okay, Annie and Timmy? Timmy: TimmiIH! Mrs. Garrison: [writes OK on their row] Good. Millie and Clyde, I saw yours before class. [writes OK on their row] Powder and Kenny? Kenny: (Our egg is okay.) Mrs. Garrison: [writes OK on their row] Now how about our gay couples? Stan and Kyle? Stan: [determined, willful] Fine! Mrs. Garrison: What? Stan: No problems at all! Mrs. Garrison: [turns around in anger] That's impossible! [snatches the egg from Stan's hand and looks it over carefully] Are you sure you didn't break it and switch eggs on me?! Where's my signature?! Stan: It's right there, see? [leans towards Kyle in fear. Wendy looks down and away from the action] Mrs. Garrison: Two boys can't possibly take care of an egg! Kyle: Dude, it's totally fine. Mrs. Garrison: It isn't fine! It has two daddies! You call that fine?! It may be fine on the outside, but inside it's confused and embarrassed! Look at the freak egg! It has two daddies! [taunts the egg directly] Two daddies! Two daddies! Come on, class, let's rip on the freak egg! Two daddies! Two daddies! Scene Description: Governor's building, day. Field reporter: Tom, I'm standing outside the Governor's office, where in just two days, the Governor can either sign or veto the new bill allowing gay marriage. Same-sex couples from all over the state have shown up in support, [Mr. Slave and Big Gay Al are there] while dissenters have also converged. The governor is about to give a statement. Bill Owens: I believe that I might have come up with a compromise to this whole problem that will make everyone happy! People in the gay community want the same rights as married couples, but dissenters don't want the word "marriage" corrupted. So how about we let gay people get married, but call it something else? [everyone listens quietly] You homosexuals will have all exactly the same rights as married couples, but instead of referring to you as "married," you can be... butt buddies. [long silence] Instead of being "man and wife," you'll be... butt buddies. You won't be "betrothed," you'll be... butt buddies. Get it? Instead of a "bride and groom," you'd be... butt buddies. Mr. Slave: We wanna be treated equally! Bill Owens: Y-you are equal. It's just that instead of getting "engaged," you would be... butt buuuddies. And everyone is happy! Woman: Well what about lesbians?! Bill Owens: Well like anyone cares about fuckin' dykes. [the crowd goes into an uproar] Oh, God, I was sure that would work. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Mrs. Garrison is at her desk reviewing daily egg evaluations. He's reading Stan and Kyle's. Mrs. Garrison: Damnit, damnit! Stan and Kyle's egg is still doin' fine! Those little assholes are screwin' up my entire plan! [there's a knock on the classroom door] Yes, what?! [Cartman walks in with his shattered egg and sits on the chair next to the desk. He places the egg on the desk, crosses his arms and looks away. Mrs. Garrison looks at the egg and is dismayed] What the hell is this?! Cartman: I broke the egg. Mrs. Garrison: You broke your egg?? Uh but you're partnered with a girl. Cartman: I tried to cover it up, tried to put it back together with modeling glue, tried to seal it with a soldering gun, but, I give up. I can't hide it, I broke the egg. Mrs. Garrison: Did you tell anyone else about this? Cartman: ...No. Mrs. Garrison: Did you tell your egg partner, Heidi? Cartman: No. That's why I'm here. I think you should still give Heidi an A on the project. You see, I broke the egg, not her. And so, I should get an F, and she should get an A, which means that together the grade should average out to C minus for both of us. Mrs. Garrison: I can't do that, Eric! Cartman: Damnit! I knew you'd say that! You always have it out for me! Mrs. Garrison: You have to get an A, Eric. Here: I'll sign this new egg for you. We'll pretend this never happened, all right? [goes about making a duplicate egg for Cartman] Just... put on the old hair, color in the same eyes... There we go, good as new. [places it near Cartman and puts the shattered one in his desk drawer] Go enjoy the rest of your recess. Cartman: [thinks about what just happened] Mr. Garrison..., you've never been this cool to me before. Mrs. Garrison: ...Okay, well, you're welcome, Eric. Now, just run along. [continues grading papers] Cartman: ...Why are you doing this? Mrs. Garrison: Because I'm a nice teacher, all right? Cartman: What do you want from me? Mrs. Garrison: Nothing! It's all okay! Just take your damn egg! Cartman: ...No. Mrs. Garrison: [quickly grabs Cartman by the collar] Eric, you've never been anything but a problem for me! You're taking that egg! And if you break it again, I'll break both your legs, and burn down your house! Do you hear me?! Cartman: [choking] Yes teacher. Mrs. Garrison: [releases him] Get out of my face! [Eric gets his new egg and rushes out of the classroom] Urrgh, this scientific study isn't turning out the way I planned! Looks like I'm gonna have to... intervene. Scene Description: Akbar, night, a seedy side of town. Mrs. Garrison enters and looks around, sees her target and walks over. She sits opposite a rough-looking man. Mrs. Garrison: Are you Jakartha? Jakartha: Who the hell are you?! Mrs. Garrison: Mrs. Garrison. I spoke to your associates on the telephone. Jakartha: Ahh yes, you are interested in my services. Mrs. Garrison: I have a little... problem I need taken care of. I heard you're the best. Jakartha: Who do you want me to kill? [Mrs. Garrison pulls out a photo from her purse and puts it face down on the table, then slides it towards Jakartha. Jakartha picks it up and looks at it. It's a picture of Stan and Kyle's egg] What is this? Mrs. Garrison: It's an egg. Jakartha: You want me to kill an egg? Mrs. Garrison: I can pay two thousand now, three more when the job is finished. Jakartha: What do you expect me to do with it? Mrs. Garrison: I don't care. Scramble it, fry it, do what you will! It has to look like an accident. Jakartha: I am a serious assassin! Get out of my face! Mrs. Garrison: What's the matter? You... afraid you can't do it? Can't say that I blame ya. That egg has caused me nothin' but problems since day one! [rises and steps away from the table] I guess... you're not as good as they say you are... Jakartha: [jabs a Bowie knife into the table and rises violently] I am the greatest killer the world has ever seen!! Mrs. Garrison: Then why are you scared of one little egg?! Jakartha: I will murder that egg! Then I will make it curse the day it was laid! Mrs. Garrison: That's more like it! Scene Description: Stan's house, dawn. Stan packs his books into his backpack, then goes to the phone table to see his egg. Stan: Day five. I made it! [the phone rings, and he answers] Hello? Scene Description: Kyle's house, dawn. His family is eating breakfast in the kitchen. Kyle: Dude, did you hear what's happening? Stan: What? Kyle: Garrison is taking us all on a field trip today. He wants to do the final egg check in front of the Governor's office! Stan: Governor's office? Kyle: She's really taking this grade seriously, Stan. I'm gonna come over so that we can take our egg to school together, all right? Stan: Aah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?! I took care of this egg, Kyle, not you! Kyle: Okay, Stan, you've been an asshole to me all week! What is up?! Stan: What's up?! Oh, nothing except that you've been trying to impress Wendy all week long like a pathetic dickhole! Kyle: Impress Wendy?? Stan: You've set it all up to look like you're this awesome prince and I'm just a loser! Kyle: What the hell are you talking about?! Stan: Well guess what?! I'm gonna take this egg to class myself! And I'm gonna hold it up in front of Wendy, and say "See?! I'm every bit as good as Kyle is." [a laser dot snakes its way up the egg. Stan notices this with some surprise, and the egg explodes in his hand. Some of it lands on his face and cap. Jakartha appears behind the bushes across the street and lowers his sniper rifle] Jakartha: Almost too easy. [drops down and crawls away] Stan: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Kyle: Stan? Stan: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Scene Description: Stan's house, day. He's in his room with his head down on his desk buried in his arms, with the shattered egg next to him. His door opens and Kyle steps in. Kyle: Stan? Stan, I think we should talk. Stan: [softly crying, muffled] Dude, you should just go be with Wendy and be happy. Kyle: Stan, I don't like Wendy. [Stan's raises his head and listens] All I cared about was getting an A in this stupid project! Stan: Yeah well, I blew it. Now we're gonna fail and Wendy thinks I'm a total loser. Kyle: I thought you didn't care about Wendy anymore. Stan: I don't. She's totally lame. [he drops his head into his arms again.] Kyle: Stan, there was never anything between Wendy and I. [Stan's raises his head again] I wouldn't go out with my best friend's ex-girlfriend. Stan: [hops off his chair and approaches Kyle, head down] I'm sorry I didn't trust you, Kyle. I'm obviously just a crappy best friend to have. Kyle: Yyeah well, I-I'm sorry I didn't trust you either. Stan: Huh? Kyle: [turns away and walks a few paces] It was really important for me to get an A, Stan. And Bebe said you were so reckless with your egg, so I made a fake one for you [reaches into his jacket and pulls out an egg] and kept the original safe with me. Stan: That... [walks up to Kyle and points at the egg] That's the real egg with Garrison's signature? Kyle: Yeah dude. I'm sorry. Stan: Then... then Wendy won't think I'm a total loser! Kyle: Yeah. And I can still get my A! Stan: Come on, buddy, let's go! [walks happily towards his door. Kyle steps forward, then stops] Kyle: Stan... [Stan turns, then he turns away] Do you really think my hat is stupid? Stan: [walks back and puts his left hand on Kyle's shoulder] As a matter of fact,... I think it is the nicest hat I've ever known. [Kyle smiles and Stan pats him twice on the back] Come on! [they head out] Scene Description: Governor's office, outside. The Governor is speaking. Bill Owens: Today is a very big day in which I'm supposed to make a very big decision. As some of you know, my biggest issue with gay marriage regards child-rearing. And a new study has just been concluded which will give me the ability to take no personal responsibility in this decision. Big Gay Al: A new study? Bill Owens: Here with the results of that study is the lovely Mrs. Garrison. [steps aside and gives her the podium.] Mrs. Garrison: [floats in like a diva] Thank you, Governor. Mr. Slave: [strokes his temple] Oh, Jesus Christ. Mrs. Garrison: Ladies and Gentlemen, with the help of some adorable fourth-grade students, we've completed our scientific, non-biased study of fags having kids. Come on up, children. [the kids file into view and spread out before the podium. Jakartha shows up as well and stands next to the white chalkboard.] The parents were grouped together as male and female. As you can see... Aide: [rushes up with a phone] Uh, Mrs. Garrison. You have an emergency phone call. Mrs. Garrison: [takes the phone and answers] Yes, what is it?! I'm a little busy! Kyle: [in the back seat of a speeding cab with Stan] Mr. Garrison, it's Kyle! Our egg is okay! We'll be there in a couple of minutes! Mrs. Garrison: [turns away from the mic] What?? Y-your... you're too late! Kyle: Don't fail us! We'll be right there! Mrs. Garrison: No you can'- Hello? Hello!! [hauls Jakartha into view by the lapel] You told me you killed that freak egg!! Jakartha: I was sure I did! Mrs. Garrison: Well it's here! You'd better make damn sure it doesn't reach these steps uncracked! [shoves him away and returns to the mic] Haha, anyhow, as I was saying, we put one egg into the hands of two male students. [far away from the podium the cab screeches to a stop and the left back door opens. Stan hops out] Kyle: [pays the cabbie] Thanks dude! [hops out behind Stan] Stan: There! Over there! [they run through the crowd, taking care the egg doesn't fall out and break] Excuse us! Excuse us please! Jakartha: [runs alongside them, aiming at the egg] Yeeeeaah! [opens fire. People begin to fall away left and right] Stan: Jesus Christ! Kyle: Keep running! [other people hear the gunfire and look around] Mrs. Garrison: The the egg that the two boys were given just- Kyle: Hang on! Wait! [Jakartha bumps someone aside and starts detonating hidden bombs around the plaza. Groups of people are thrown off in all directions. The Governor begins to pay attention] Mrs. Garrison: In conclusion, Governor, you can rest assured that-! [one last blast is especially deadly. The area fills with dark brown smoke. As the smoke clears, Stan and Kyle hobble towards the podium, tattered clothes and all] Stan: [tired, voice breaking] Teacher, our egg is... okay. [falls onto his back and passes out, holding the egg high for all to see] Bill Owens: [kneels to inspect the egg] This egg is fine. [rises and steps forth] Gays can get married! [everyone cheers and gay couples hug each other in celebration.] Mrs. Garrison: Noo! Noooo!! Kyle: [still woozy] Gays can get married? What?? Scene Description: Wedding of Big Gay Al and Mr. Slave, at a gazebo nearby. The guests are in place, the happy couple and the minister are on the gazebo floor. Fr. Maxi: I now pronounce you man... and man. [both men, Al and Slave, are wearing wedding dresses. They turn to face each other and kiss on the lips. Everyone present cheers, and Mr. Slave and Al run down the aisle to their new life together. Stan and Kyle appear as the crowd disperses] Randy: [walks up and kneels next to Stan] Boys, I'm really proud of you. You've done an amazing thing for marriage rights. [rises and walks away. Wendy walks up] Kyle: [still confused] What did we do? Wendy: Stan, I'm sorry I doubted you. You really made a great dad. Stan: [smugly] Like I give a crap about what you think, Wendy. [Wendy's face falls, then she turns and walks away sadly.] Mrs. Garrison: Love, love lost long ago, it was special then, it's over now. Guess that I'll never know how it all went wrong. How how how? Well perhaps I should try and boldly go and rekindle that love lost long ago.

Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, Mrs. Garrison's classroom. Oral Report Day. Token is at the front of the class with a picture of all the planets rising over the moon on the roll-up screen. Token: Pluto is also the furthest planet from the sun, though scientists believe more planets lie beyond it. I hope you enjoyed my report on the Solar System. Thank you. [the projector turns off and Token takes his seat as Timmy claps a little] Mrs. Garrison: Okay, very nice, Token. Thank you. 'K kids, looks like we only have time for one more speech today, so let's have ah Eric. Cartman: [walks up to the front of the class and turns around, looking at his paper] Thank you, Mrs. Garrison. [reads] My speech is entitled "Ginger Kids: Children with red hair, light skin, and freckles." [Stan and Kyle glance at each other] We've all seen them - on the playground, at the store, walking on the streets - they creep us out and make us feel sick to our stomachs. I'm talking of course about... ginger kids. [cues up his pics. A red-headed boy appears] Aww sick! Gross! Ginger kids are born with a disease which causes very light skin, red hair, and freckles. [next picture is of a girl licking her triple-scoop ice-cream cone] Aw, nasty! Yuck! [returns to his paper] This disease is called Gingervitus, and it occurs because ginger kids have no souls. Kyle: [annoyed at Cartman's ignorance] What?! Cartman: Kids who have gingervitus cannot be cured. [another redheaded girls pops up] Ah sick! [another redhead] Gross! [another redhead] Yeck! [returns to his paper] Because their skin is so light, ginger kids must avoid the sun. Not unlike... [a picture of a vampire with a full moon and bats behind him pops up] vampires. Class: Aaaah. Kyle: That's not true, fatass! I have red hair, and I don't have to avoid the sun! Cartman: I was getting to that, if you will let me. [returns to his paper] Some people have red hair, but not light skin and freckles. These people are called "daywalkers." [cues up a picture of Kyle, with "daywalkers" written underneath] Butters: Ho! Daywalkers! Kyle: This is all a bunch of crap! Cartman: Mrs. Garrison, I'm really havin' a difficult time with all these interruptions... Mrs. Garrison: Kyle, let Eric give his presentation. Kyle: It's not a presentation, it's a hate speech! People aren't creeped out by gingers! Clyde: [glances around] I am. Mrs. Garrison: Kyle, if you wanna debate Eric, you can do so with your paper tomorrow! Kyle: Fine, I will! [crosses his arms] Cartman: Fine! In the meantime, shut your Goddamned daywalker mouth! [Kyle grits his teeth and growls, trying to contain himself] Let's see, where was I? Oh yes! Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse, [next picture: a boy with a few missing front teeth] and unless we work to rid the earth of that curse, the gingers could envelop our lives in blackness for all time. It is time that we all admit to ourselves that gingers are vile and disgusting. In conclusion, I will leave you with this: if you think that the ginger problem is not a serious one, [the last pic is that of Carrot Top] think again. [the bell rings and the kids file out of the classroom.] Kyle: Stupid supremacist asswipe! Stan: Dude, what's the big deal? Kyle: What's the big deal? Don't you understand what ignorant prejudice like that can lead to? I have to disprove Cartman's hateful rumors! Do you know any red-haired, freckled kids? Stan: [thinks a moment] What about the Foley family? I think they're all ginger. Scene Description: South Park, day. Stan and Kyle walk up to a house. The front door opens and three redheads greet them. Three kids: Hello? Kyle: Hey. Wuh I'm giving a speech tomorrow about people with red hair and freckles. Can I ask you a few questions? Girl: [the middle child] Sure. Come on in. [waves them in. They enter] Boy: [the oldest child] Mom, Dad, these boys wanna know about us. Father: What? Heh, hello there, kids. Kyle: We... came to learn the facts about people with red hair, light skin and freckles. Father: [nervous throughout] Oho, gingers, yes. Our cute little red-haired rascals. Stan: I'm sorry, but I don't understand. You both have dark hair and brown eyes. Father: Yes, we've learned that the ginger gene is recessive in both our families' DNA. Actually, the odds of us having a red-haired freckled child were only one in four. And still it happened. Three times. What are the odds? [breaks down and sobs into his hands] Mother: A lot of people carry the ginger gene and don't know. [her husband stops sobbing and raises his head] If your spouse is also a carrier, then your children can turn out like... them. [they both look at the kids, who smile and grin] Father: Each one of them's a blessing. Mother: Oh yes, each one of them's a blessing. Father: Huh Blesse-blessing full of love. Three kids: [grinning] Thanks, Mom and Dad. Kyle: But it's... it's not true they... have no souls. [somber music plays] Father: No... no, I'm sure they do. [quickly rises and shows the boys to the door] Well it was nice meeting you boys. We've gotta get dinner started. Kyle: I just had a couple more questions about- Father: Look, boys, if you really don't wanna have ginger kids, marry an Asian woman. Asians don't carry the recessive gene. [looks right and left] I know a guy who's marrying a Japanese woman very soon for just that reason. [closes the door on them and they turn around] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, Mrs. Garrison's classroom. Second Oral Report Day. Kyle stands at the front of the class with an image of melanin's chemical structure. Kyle: And so, red hair, light skin, and freckles are all passed down genetically. A child's red hair is not determined by the lack of a soul, [Cartman yawns] but by the melanins which control the pigment in all of our skins. Thank you. [turns off the projector and goes to his desk amid some applause] Mrs. Garrison: Okay, very nice, Kyle. A little dry and science-y for my taste, but there you go. [the bell rings] All right, that's lunch, kids. We'll pick up with Clyde's speech about lesbian cheerleaders after recess. Butters: That was a very informative speech, Kyle. Kyle: Thanks Butters Cartman: Informative if you want to die. [hops off his seat and joins Butters and Kyle] Gusy, don't forget. Kyle is a daywalker. Daywalkers are half-gingers themselves. Make no mistake: ginger kids are evil. You know who was ginger? Judas. And what did Judas do? Oh, he just got Jesus killed, that's all. [moves towards the door] Look, I'm just saying what everyone else already thinks: Gingers are creepy. And one night, when you're all sleepin' in your room, the gingers are gonna getcha. They're gonna GETCHA! [points at Clyde, who jumps back.] Scene Description: South Park Elementary hallway. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny walk towards the camera. Stan: You buying school lunch today? Kyle: Nah, my mom packed me a kosher lunch. Clyde: [off screen] Right this way! [the camera shows four boys - Craig, Jimmy, Clyde and Token - kicking a redhead out] You can't eat in the cafeteria! [Craig crosses his arms] Boy: How come? Token: Ginger kids eat in the hallway! Jimmy: Yeah. Go on, beat it, re... rr-retard! [the redhead walks off and the other four boys go back inside the cafeteria] Kyle: There! You see?! This is what happens when Cartman is allowed his right to free speech! Stan: That's just wrong, dude. I wish Cartman could see what it felt like to be ginger. Kyle: [thinks] Hey. [snaps his fingers] That's a great idea! Kenny: (What's a great idea?) Kyle: Can you guys meet me over at Cartman's house tonight at around midnight? Stan: Sure, for what? Kyle: We're gonna teach that fat bastard a lesson! Scene Description: Cartman's house, midnight. Cartman is snoring. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny pop up outside his window and open it. They climb in. Stan motions Kenny to Cartman's door, and Kenny walks over to close it. Stan quickly goes to Cartman's desk and takes out some makeup - skin bleach, hair color, henna kit - and some yellow latex gloves. Stan: Okay dude, knock him out. [Kyle takes out a small club and starts beating Cartman with it. After five blows Stan rushes over to stop him] Dude, dude okay, he's out! [with the club gone, Kyle resorts to punching Cartman out] Kyle, that's good! [Kenny puts his ear to the door and listens for any activity in the hallway] All right, let's do it. Scene Description: Cartman's house, morning. Liane, in her night robe, walks over to Cartman's room and knocks on the door. Liane: Eric honey, time to get up for school. [heads back to the kitchen downstairs. Cartman rolls over and wakes up, hops down and leaves his room] Cartman: -ed a fine time to leave me, Lucille Four hungry children and a- Liane: [hears him and drops the spatula] Poopsiekins! [rushes back to the restroom, leaving her eggs cooking. Cartman checks his face thoroughly, but continues to scream. Liane arrives and enters] Sweetie, what is the- [he turns around and she screams] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Cartman: I'M GINGER! Liane: Oh my God! Eric! Cartman: Help me! Hellp mee! Scene Description: A hospital room. A doctor gives Cartman a check-up. Doctor: Well, all his vital signs are still normal. From his outward appearance, I would say he has the standard skin pigment deficiency. Liane: You mean... Doctor: Yes, I'm afraid that your son is suffering from gingervitus. Cartman: And how could I become a ginger now?! I wasn't born like this! Doctor: Well, the red-haired and freckle gene is a recessive gene. It must've stayed dormant in your system until you hit adolescence. Cartman: So I'm gonna stay like this forever? Doctor: [puts a hand on Cartman's back] I'm sorry, son. [takes Liane aside] Ms. Cartman, could I have a word with you? [walks a few steps with Liane] Ms. Cartman, I know this must be... very difficult for you. I for one can't stand red-haired, freckled kids, but you need to understand, there is no cure. Your son will be ginger his whole life. You might want to just... put him down. Liane: Oh... [looks away. Cartman hops off the bed and walks up and stands between them.] Cartman: Agh, excuse me, Doctor, but it just so happens my mom loves me, no matter what I look like! [crosses his arms] Right, Mom?! [a bit shocked when she doesn't answer right away] Mom?! Liane: Oh ye-yes, of course,sweetie. Doctor: All right, but... you're gonna have to take certain precautions now. It's very important that you keep Eric out of the sun. The sun... is his worst enemy. Scene Description: The school bus stop, morning. Stan, Kyle and Kenny are waiting there, as usual. Cartman walks up with a blue umbrella open, shielding him from the sun. Cartman: Hey dudes, what's goin' on? [coughs to clear his throat] How is everything with you guys? Kyle: Wow, Cartman. You look... different. Cartman: Yes, well, it's interesting you should point that out, Kyle. I went to the doctor yesterday, and apparently I suffer from a small skin pigment deficiency. Stan: You mean,you're a ginger? Cartman: Actually, gingervitus is the medical term. Kyle: Is that an umbrella you're using? Cartman: Yes, Kyle. [coughs] The sun's rays are bad for my skin, so I need to be protected when I'm outside. Well, I'm glad we've gotten all that out of the way, and now we can just go on with our lives as normal. Kyle: [looks at Stan for a moment] ...Wow, that's a little ironic, isn't it? Cartman: What do you mean, Kyle? Kyle: Well, I mean, all last week you were ripping on ginger kids and now you are one. Cartman: [thinks] Hm. I don't really see the irony in that, Kyle. [the school bus pulls up and opens its doors. The kids climb in and find seats] Scene Description: The school bus. Cartman sits next to Butters, who's taken aback at Cartman's new appearance. A few moments later, Butters begins to laugh. Cartman: That's fine, just get it out of the way... Kyle: Dude, this is going awesome. Stan: Maybe he'll actually learn a lesson this time. [Butters strokes his nose, then takes out a napkin to wipe away tears from the laughter, then sighs, only to resume laughing, harder. Cartman just folds his arms across his chest and looks away] Scene Description: The school cafeteria. The kids are eating, but there's not a redhead to be seen in there... except for. Cartman: [Walks up to an empty space between Clyde and Token] Hey Clyde, Token. Sup, Jim? [begins to eat] Token: What are you doing? Cartman: I'm grubbin'. What's it look like? Clyde: You're not supposed to be in the cafeteria. Cartman: Huh? Craig: You know the rule. No ginger kids in the cafeteria. Cartman: But... it's me. Clyde: Right. And you're a ginger. [at a nearby table, Stan is about to eat his burger, but Kyle softly jabs him] Kyle: Dude, check it out. [Stan looks over] Cartman: Guys! Okay, look, maybe I'm ginger, but... I'm not like other ginger kids. I'm still me inside. [the camera looks around at the other kids at the table, who remain silent] Clyde: Sorry. If we let one ginger kid in here, then the others are gonna start coming. Jimmy: Yeah, beat it, j... jackass. [Cartman is stunned, but takes his tray and walks away. He walks past Kyle, Stan, and Kenny.] Kyle: We did it guys. We finally taught Cartman a lesson. I'll bet that now, Cartman is gonna have a long hard think about how he treated gingers. Scene Description: The South Park Elementary Library. Cartman did indeed think long and hard about this, so now he's holding this meeting. Cartman: I want to thank everyone for showing up today. I've called this meeting because, I don't know about you, but for one am sick and tired of being discriminated against! Just because we have red hair, light skin and freckles, we're thought of as somehow less important, and it's bullcrap! Boy: Yeah! Cartman: Kids at school laugh at us, doctors call us "genetically inferior." The world needs to know that we are people, with feelings! And our parents love us for who we are! Older Boy: My dad says that each one of my freckles is a kiss from an angel. Cartman: ...Riiight, exactly! We can't let this go on any longer! We should be PROUD of who we are! Think about all the great people in history who were ginger. People like... [he can't think of any] Like uh... [looks up in thought, then softly] Liiike... Girl: Ron Howard? Cartman: Right! Ron Howard! And uh... Aaaaand... Older Boy: Ron Howard? [the other redheads look at him] Cartman: Right! We already had him, but right! See? Ginger people go on to do amazing things in society! We need to let everyone in this school know that we are not inferior! That we are in fact beautiful, totally awesome, and super-smart. It's time for us to take back our pride! Kids: Yeah! Scene Description: The playground, moments later. A girl chases a boy around. Stan, Kyle and Kenny play tetherball. Cartman: Red Power! [Stan stops the game and the boys look at the source of commotion. Cartman leads the gingers across the playground] Gingers: Red Power! Cartman: Red Power! Gingers: Red Power! Cartman: Red Power! Gingers: Red Power! Cartman: Red Power! Gingers: Red Power! Cartman: We gingers are proud people! We are the noble descendants of great Americans like Ron Howard, and ...others! We will not be discriminated against any longer, for we are a great race! Gingers: Yeah! Cartman: [resumes the march] Red Power! Gingers: Red Power! Cartman: Red Power! Gingers: Red Power! Kyle: I don't believe it. Cartman: Red Power! Stan: Should we tell him the truth? Gingers: Red Power! Kyle: Nah, let him make a complete ass out of himself for a little while longer. [he and Stan return to their tetherball game] Cartman: Red Power! Gingers: Red Power! Cartman: Better red than dead! Gingers: Better red than dead! Cartman: Better red than dead! Scene Description: New break. A field reporter stands outside a theater, with a crowd milling around behind him. Chris: Tom, I'm standing outside the Denver Center For The Performing Arts, where the new production of "Annie" has just premiered to cries of outrage. [a shot of gingers with Cartman front and center] A rapidly-growing organization called The Ginger Separatist Movement is furious that the lead role of Annie [shown, in character] is being played by a girl [shown in regular clothes and real hair] who isn't actually red-haired and freckled. Joining me now is the gingers' head spokesperson, Eric Cartman. Cartman: That's right! This is bullcrap! We True Gingers are furious that the role of Annie is being minimalized! Reporter: What harm do you believe this actress is doing to the true red-haired community? Cartman: The bitch isn't ginger! She's just using makeup to look ginger! And pretending to be ginger with makeup is the worst thing anybody can do! Gingers: Yeah! That's right! [among other things] Scene Description: The center's doors open and Annie walks out to cheers and flash bulbs. She waves to everyone. Cartman: There she is! Get her! [the gingers rush her and start ganging up on her] Die, you stupid bitch! Reporter: This is getting pretty ugly, Tom. These gingers are really riled up! If you are a ginger and would like to join The Ginger Separatist Movement, you can attend their first meeting this Friday in the Sunset Room at the Airport Hilton. Scene Description: The Airport Hilton, day, the Sunset Room. One of the older boys in school is speaking. Older Boy: Okay, welcome, everyone. It's so great to see such a wonderful turnout at the first All-Ginger Pride Conference! [everyone cheers] Now it is my honor to introduce the man who has brought self-respect to gingers, Eric Cartman! Cartman: [comes in pumped up like a televangelist to his own theme music] Thanks Jody! Gingers, how are we feelin'? [the redhead cheer] Can I get a Red Power? Gingers: Red Power! Cartman: Oh yeah! That feels good, doesn't it? Feels good to be proud of who you are! Now I don't think I need to tell you there's a lot of hate out there. Hate for awesome people like us. And if there's one thing I've learned, is that the only way to fight hate, is with more hate! We are not the freaks of society, everyone else is! Gingers: Yeah!! Cartman: Gingers are the chosen people! The chosen race! And we must view the rest of the world as the lowlife, dark-skinned rats that they are! [all the redheads cheer wildly] Gary Nelson: Hello there! Gary Nelson with Hilton Guest Relations. Just making sure you guys have everything you need. [long silence] Cartman: We're fine, thanks. Gary Nelson: Need any buffet items restocked? Everyone okay on coffee? Cartman: We're fine! Gary Nelson: Great. Oh, and hey guys, just wanted to say thanks for choosing the Airport Hilton for your conference. Cartman: You're welcome!! Now leave us alone!! [Gary closes the door] My fellow gingers! I envision a world in which there IS no hate! A world where everyone is ginger! And so, we must gather together every child who is NOT ginger, and exterminate them! Ginger 1: Huh Ginger 2: What Ginger 3: Ex-terminate? Cartman: Now go! Go out into the night and take non-ginger kids from their homes! We will eradicate them all with cages and tortures and a pit of lava to thrown them all in! Now I am not gonna live my life as a Goddamned minority! Are you with me?! Gingers: Huzzah! Huzzah! Scene Description: Night time. Kyle and Kenny knock on Stan's front door, and he answers. He rubs his eyes and remains half-asleep. Kyle: Dude, we're gonna go sneak into Cartman's and change him back into a non-ginger! Stan: Huh? Why? Kyle: Because now he's acting like gingers are awesome. And all his friends are gingers. When he wakes up tomorrow and realizes he isn't really ginger, it'll be hysterical! Kenny: (Hehe, yeah. Hehe) Kyle: Are you in? Stan: ... totally. Scene Description: The sidewalk. The three boys walk towards Cartman's house. Stan: You know, Cartman is an uncaring, bigoted intolerant asshole, but I have to admit, I had my own prejudice about gingers. I think we all need to realize that everyone is different in one way or another, and we shouldn't be threatened by those differences. I mean, Cartman had me kind of creeped out that gingers were gonna come get me in the night. Kenny: (Hehe, yeah, heh) [Stan stops and gasps. The other two stop. Before them stand at least five redheads] Kyle: Oh... hey there. [long silence] Stan: You guys... need... anything? [long silence] Kyle: Let's just... let's just walk this way. [starts to cross the street, Stan and Kenny follow him, but they all see more gingers crawl out of the bushes across the street] Stan: More ginger kids. Um, meh-maybe we should just go home. Kyle: Yeah, good idea. [the boys go back the way the came. Gingers converge upon them, and they begin to run] Stan: The hell do they want? [A redhead comes in from the right side and snatches Kenny away] Kenny: (AH!) Kyle: Kenny! Stan: Run, dude, run!! Scene Description: Clyde's room, night. Clyde is sleeping, but some noise wakes him up. Three raps are heard on the window and he sits up to see who it is. Clyde: [gathers his covers around him] Uh... Gi... ginger kids! AAAAAH! [his parents leave their room] Mom: Clyde? What is it, honey? [they go to his room and open his door, and are horrified. Before them is his window, wiiide open, and his empty bed. The wind howls outside] Scene Description: Another house, night. A boy goes to his bathroom to brush his teeth. He pulls the toothpaste out of the medicine cabinet and closes the door, only to find some smiling gingers waiting for him. Boy: Aaah! [turns around] Ginger kids! Nooo! [a ginger girl grabs a hold of him] Scene Description: Another house. A boy opens the front door and his little sister stands behind him. Ginger Girl: Laaa la, laaa lala. Girl: What is it? Ginger Girl: laaa lala. Boy: It's a... little ginger girl. Ginger Girl: laaa la. Girl: Shut the door! Ginger Girl: Laaa la, laaa lala, laaa la. Kids: AAAAAH! [they panic and run away. The boy runs into the banister and falls down. The girl trips over him] Boy: Ow! Ginger Girl: [reaches the entrance] Laaa la, laaa lala. Scene Description: Another house. A boy is showering before he goes to bed. He rinses off, closes the faucet, opens the curtain, and screams. He cowers in the bathtub as gingers close in on him. Scene Description: The sidewalk. Two kids are walking alone when more redheads appear and converge on them. Scene Description: An abandoned barn. Kyle: In there! Let's go! [he and Stan run into it and close the doors. They run to a long log and lift it up] Get this jamb on the door! [they throw the jamb into place. Redheads try to wrestle the roads open but can't budge it. A window nearby breaks open and gingers start to crawl in through it. More windows break open, then the walls and doors start falling apart as the gingers barge in. Another ginger looks in from the roof and drops down to join the others. They grab Stan and Kyle, who scream one last time] Scene Description: The Airport Hilton, day, the Sunset Room. Stan, Kyle, and a few non-ginger kids are in a cage. Stan: Kyle. Kyle, wake up. Kyle: [wakes up] Huh. Whaaa? [stands up] Where are we? [walks to the cage wall and looks out. The Sunset Room is dark and red from the glow of a lava cauldron. There are cages all over the place, even hanging from the ceiling. The ginger kids stand around the cauldron] Stan: I think we're at the Sunset Room at the Airport Hilton. Cartman: My fellow gingers! The day of reckoning is finally upon us! [the gingers stomp and cheer] Stan: Cartman? Kyle: Oh Jesus, I should have known! Cartman: What we begin here, we will take worldwide, until the blood of every non-ginger child has been spilled! [more stomping and cheering] Gary Nelson: You guys got everything you need in here? Need more coffee, buffet items? Cartman: No, we're fine! Thank you! Gary Nelson: How about lava? You got enough lava? Cartman: Yes! We're good! Gary Nelson: Okay. Hey, thanks for choosin' the Airport Hilton, guys. Cartman: You're welcome, now leave us alone!! [Gary leaves and closes the door] Now! Let the extermination begin! [more stomping and cheering] We will start... with the daywalker! Gingers: Daywalker! [The cage door opens and Kyle, handcuffed, is hauled out by two redheads and escorted to Cartman] Throw him in! Kyle: Cartman! I need to tell you something! Cartman: Go on then! Say your last words! Kyle: Aah I think you'd rather hear this in private! Cartman: Okay fine, let him speak! [the redheads let Kyle go, and Kyle falls on his face] Then we kill every non-ginger here! [Kyle gets up, walks over to Cartman, and whispers in his ear. Cartman's anger vanishes, then surprise appears] You... you what? [Kyle repeats himself. Cartman looks around a bit fearfully, then touches his face all over and grits his teeth] Ginger Boy: Come on, let's fulfill the plan! All non-gingers must die! Gingers: Yeah! Cartman: [now hesitant] Right, the plan. Um... Oh. Oh, my God, you guys! Uh, I just realized something. [backpedals] We shouldn't be doing this. Ah I mean, look at us. [throws away his staff] What have we become? Gingers: Huh? What? Cartman: D-don't you see? If we go and exterminate everyone who isn't ginger, then we're no better than they were for thinking less of us. Maybe we all have to learn to live... together. Ginger Boy 2: But... you just said everyone who isn't ginger must die. Cartman: Right, but... but I've learned that we can't judge people based on what they look like. Ginger Boy 2: But you just said they should all die fifteen seconds ago. Cartman: See I know, I know, but I I get it now. We we've got to live and let live. [the gingers look at him, stunned] Ginger Boy: [long beat, then] What did that kid in the green hat tell you? Cartman: ... Huh? Ginger Boy: That kid right there. What did he just tell you? Cartman: Ss. Who? Oh him? Oh. No, that was just... Tha-that was about something else, totally unrelated. Ginger Boy: You wanted to kill everyone who wasn't ginger, then that kid in the green hat told you something, and now you don't wanna do it all of a sudden. What did he tell you? Cartman: No, he was just telling me about something funny that happened at school yesterday. Um, oh, but anyway, ohhh! Oh wow, I can't believe how great it feels to finally love my fellow man, huh? Isn't this great you guys? We sure have been throgh a lot! But in the end, we all learned it's best to get along. Hand in hand, we can live together. Ginger or not, we're all the same. Black or white, brown or red, we shouldn't kill each other, 'cause it's lame. Come on, guys! Hand in hand, we can live together. Gingers: [unsure] Ginger or not, it's all the same. Cartman: That's it! You've got it! Cartman and the Gingers: Black or white, brown or red, we shouldn't kill each other, 'cause dying's lame. Hand in hand, we can live together. Cartman: Live together! Gingers: We shouldn't kill each other 'cause we're all the same. Cartman: The same, you and I! Gingers: Black or white, brown or red, we shouldn't kill each other, 'cause dying's lame. Kyle: You are such a manipulative asshole, Cartman. Cartman: Yes, but I'm not going to die. [steps forth] That's why we gotta get along, people! Gingers: Hand in hand, we can live together. We shouldn't kill each other 'cause we're all the same. Gingers: [as credits roll] Black or white, brown or red, we shouldn't kill each other, 'cause dying's lame. Hand in hand, we can live together. We shouldn't kill each other 'cause we're all the same. Black or white, brown or red, we shouldn't kill each other, 'cause dying's lame. Hand in hand, we can live together. We shouldn't kill each other 'cause we're all the same.

Scene Description: South Park, day, a mini-mall. Komik Factory is shown. The boys walk out the front doors. Kyle: Oh dude, check it out. I got a Jake Plummer. Cartman: Aw man, I got a crappy AJ Feeley again! Kyle: How come you didn't buy any cards, Stan? Stan: I can't spend any money. I'm saving up for that bike I want. Cartman: HA! Saving money, duhhh! [turns left and walks. The others follow. Kenny moves the card in his left hand to his right hand] Kyle: So what should we do now? It's Saturday and we have to have as much fun as possible. Cartman: Hey, I know! Let's go play laser tag at FunPlex. Kenny: (Hey yeah!) Stan: [stops] No, I don't wanna spend any money, you guys. [the others stop and he catches up] Let's just do something fun that's free. Cartman: Stan, don't you know the first law of physics? Anything that's fun costs at least eight dollars. Kyle: Yeah dude, nothing fun is free. Stan: Well I can't spend any money. Cartman: Okay, be a Jew. We're gonna go play laser tag. [he, Kenny and Kyle walk off] Kyle: Yeah. See ya. [Stan moves on down the sidewalk and passes a Scientology center. In front are a table with two people seated behind it, waiting for prospects] Woman: Hello, would you like to take a personality test? It's fun and it's free. Stan: [stops, thinks, and looks] Excuse me? Woman: We're doing free personality tests today. Stan: Uh what do I have to do? Woman: Have you heard of Scientology? It's all based on the book, Dianetics. A lot of really cool people are Scientologists, like Tom Cruise and John Travolta. Why don't you come on in and we'll get your fun free personality test started. [leads him in and walks by one closed door after another] Let's just find an empty room here, lots of people getting free tests today. [finds an open door and looks in] Hey Brian. Brian: [seated at his desk, rises and walks to the door] Hey Kelly. How's it going? Kelly: Great! I want you to meet my new friend, Stan. Brian: Hey there! How are you? Stan: Fine. Kelly: Brian's gonna give you your personality test and then let you know some things about Scientology. Brian: Good times, good times! Stan: L-look, is this a religion? Because my family is like, Catholic or something. Brian: Ho, that's not a problem at all. Scientology is more like an alternative to psychology than a religion. Stan: Then how come that sign says "Church of Scientology"? Brian: Oho, that's just this thing: What's the Denver Broncos' record now? Six and two? Stan: Seven and two. Brian: Wow! That's great! All right, come on in and take a seat; we're gonna have some fun! [he and Stam enter the room and he changes the sign on his door so it says "Test In Progress." Inside, Brian and Stan take their seats] All right now, I'm just gonna ask you a few questions. Just answer these questions as truthfully as you can, alright? [picks up a notepad and starts noting Stan's answers] Okay. Number 1: Do you ever make remarks... which you later regret? Stan: Uhhh, sh-sure? Brian: Uh huh. Would you rather give orders... than take them? Stan: Yeah? Brian: Do you ever whistle... just for the fun of it. [The wall clock reads 11:35, then 12:20, and the camera pans down to Brian and Stan.] Okay, and finally, does life sometimes feel vague and confusing to you? Stan: Yes. Brian: Okay, Stan. Well, that's it. That's the end of the personality test. Stan: So how did I do? Brian: Well, I hate to tell you this, Stan, but... you are one messed-up kid. Stan: ...Huh?? Brian: Yeah, I'm afraid that you are completely miserable and totally depressed. Stan: I am?? I didn't know that! Brian: Well there's certainly no question that you are a perfect candidate for Scientology. I think it can really make you happy again. Stan: What what do I do? Brian: It's very simple. We just need two hundred and forty dollars. Scene Description: Stan's house, dinnertime. Grandpa is still around, at the head of the table. Randy and Shelly are seated to Grandpa's right, Stan and Sharon are seated to Grandpa's left. Stan rests his head on his left arm. Sharon: Stanley, you haven't touched your food. What's the matter with you? Stan: I'm totally depressed. Sharon: What? Why? Stan: I don't know. Sharon: Well how long have you been feeling this way? Stan: I'm not sure. But... I need two hundred and forty dollars. Randy: Two hundred and forty dollars?! What'd you do, break something?! Stan: No, I found a self-help program that can cure me. Randy: Oh Jesus, the answer is no, Stanley. Stan: But I'm completely miserable and these people can help! Sharon: Stanley, I didn't know you were miserable. Stan: Neither did I! Randy: Stanley, do you have any concept of money at all? Money doesn't grow on trees, you know? Stan: Don't you care that I'm depressed?! What if I become suicidal, or, or become an alcoholic like Grandpa?? Marvin: Huh? Randy: Well, if you really think your life is so bad, Stan, why don't you take what you have out of your bicycle savings?! Stan: [looking real sad] ...well but... but that's my money. Randy: Yeah, well just like the rest of us, you have to make choices with your money. Do you want a bike, or do you not want to be depressed? Scene Description: The Scientology Center, Sunday. Stan returns. Kelly: Michelle, our friend Stan wants to have auditing. Michelle: Oho good, you're going to be so happy. Stan: I hope so. Kelly: It's the beginning of a whole new life for you, Stan. See ya afterwards. Michelle: Great, so do you have the two hundred and forty dollars. [Stan pulls out the bills and hands them over to Michelle] Perfect! We're on our way! [puts the money in a secure drawer and escorts Stan...] Come on over here and I'll fill you in on how the Church of Scientology works. [...down a hallway] You see, Stan, Scientology was founded by a great man named L. Ron Hubbard. [a portrait of him is shown] Mr. Hubbard discovered that negative emotions are actually caused by things called "body thetans." Stan: Really? Michelle: Yes! And being the genius that he was, Mr. Hubbard invented a way to get rid of those bad thetans. [stops by a picture of a portable blue machine with two cylindrical grips plugged into the back] This is called an E-meter. It's the main tool of Scientology. You just grab a hold of these handles as I talk you through past experiences in your life. I'll be taking readings here, and we'll be able to determine your thetan levels. Stan: Thetan levels... Michelle: Come on in the auditing room and I'll show you how it works. [moments later they are in the auditing room. They walk by a row of booths, each with a tester and a testee] All these people are just like you, Stan, auditing with E-meters to get rid of their negative emotions. [she reaches an empty booth and sits behind the controls as Stan takes his seat] All right, Stan, I want you to just relax and take hold of the E-meter handles. [Stan grabs them and draws them close] Stan: So, this is gonna make me happy? Michelle: Just take a few deep breaths, and I'll just get a base reading of your thetan levels. [Stan takes a deep breath and exhales, not quite sure why, then Michelle turns on the machine to take the reading. It reaches a 9.15] Huh, that's, that's strange. Stan: What? Michelle: Somethin-, [soft giggle] something's wrong. Brian, could you come over here a second? Brian: [appears next to her] Yep- Oh hey there, Greg! Stan: Stan. Michelle: Will you... look at his thetan levels? Brian: Huh, well. We'll get another E-meter - this one's obviously broken. Sorry about this, Greg. Scene Description: The lobby. Mr. Mackey has entered to take his own personality test. Recruiter: And so we just try to analyze your personality, and if it seems like you need some help, then you can have an audit counseling for a nominal fee. Mr. Mackey: Well, that sounds pretty reasonable, m'kay. [Brian comes out of the auditing room nervously] Brian: Mike, I need to talk to you! Mike: Excuse me, sir, I'll be right back. [he and Brian go into the hallway] Are you all right? You're sweating! Brian: [shows him Stan's E-meter results] Take a look at this. Mike: [looks] What is it? Brian: The E-meter results from the little boy in Room D Mike: [leafing through the results] This... this can't be right. [scans faster] Brian: We ran the tests four times! We used four different E-meters! Mike: Fax these results to the head office in Los Angeles. The President has to see thus right away. Go! [slaps Brian across the back] Now! [Brian leaves] Scene Description: L. Ron Hubbard's Scientology Celebrity Center, day. Woman: The boy is from a small mountain town in Colorado, sir. Man: Sir, how can it be that a first timer scores that kind of thetan level?? He registered OT9! I'm only OT7 and I've been in the church all my life! President: I've waited... forty-two years... for this day. Man: Sir? President: Don't you all see what this means? There was only one person who EVER registered OT9 in the history of our church. [looks at something. The others gather to look with him. They look at a framed portrait of L. Ron Hubbard] L. Ron Hubbard said he had lived past lives. That when he died his thetan would show itself again. Our prophet has returned. [removes Stan's picture from the report and holds it up against the portrait.] Scene Description: The Marsh house, kitchen, night. Sharon: Uh, Stanley, take the garbage out before you go to bed. Stan: I took out the garbage yesterday. Randy: Right now, Stan! Stan: Aagh! [hauls the garbage bag out of the garbage can and drags it across the living room] Stupid dumb garbage! [opens the front door and steps out.] Scene Description: The Marsh house, outside, night. Man 2: [offscreen] There he is! [Stan's anger changes to surprise] Man 3: Thank you for returning! Man 4: He's wonderful. [cries] He's wonderful. Randy: [the rest of the family joins Stan at the door] Stan! What the hell did you do?! Stan: I don't know! [a Scientology helicopter lands on the lawn and some officials open the door for the church's president, who exits, walks over to Stan, and kneels down] President: Hello young man. I'm the head of Scientology. It is... [with great emotion, bows his head] a great honor to meet you! Scene Description: The Marsh living room. The officials and the family have entered. Randy: All right, what the hell is going on here?! President: We've been looking for your son for a long time, Mr. Marsh. He is the reincarnation of our church's most famous prophet. Sharon: Wwhat?? President: Scientologists the world over are simply rejoicing at his second coming. Randy: Look, we don't want our son to join your group, okay? President: We're not asking him to join us, we're asking him... to lead us. Shelly: Oh my God, it's John Travolta! [Sharon and Randy go to investigate] John Travolta: [using an odd voice as he makes his way through the crowd] Is this where he lives? Is this where L. Ron Hubbard is? Oh my god! President: Yes, John Travolta and Tom Cruise are big Scientologists. Do you believe me nooow? [kneels next to Stan] Young man, I know you don't remember it,but... your name was L. Ron Hubbard. You revealed the secret that began the whole Church of Scientology. Randy: Okay, Stan, it's late, go up to your room and get ready for bed! Let Mommy and Daddy handle this. [Stan walks up the stairs, not sure what's going on] Stan: [enters his room] Jesus Christ... Cruise: [suddenly appears in his room] L. Ron? [runs up and kneels before Stan] L. Ron! It really is you! [puts his hands over his heart] Oh, this is the greatest day of my life! Stan: Aw dude, I need to go to bed. Cruise: Don't you understand, L. Ron? It's me! Tom Cruise! Stan: Yeah, I know who you are. Cruise: Ha-haven't I done well, L. Ron? Haven't you enjoyed my acting? Which film did you like best? Stan: Well-h. I mean, you're not... you're not like as good as Leonardo DiCaprio, but you're okay, I guess. Cruise: ...What? Stan: I mean, you're not Gene Hackman or that guy who played Napoleon Dynamite, but you're okay. Cruise: [buries his face in his hands] I'm nothing. [lifts his head again] I'm a failure in the eyes of the Prophet! AAAH! [runs into Stan's closet and closes the door] Stan: Hey! [walks over to the closet] Dude, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. Cruise: Go away! Stan: Dude, this is my room! Cruise: Go away, I said! Stan: [walks out into the hall] Dad! Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet! Randy: What?! Stan: Tom Cruise locked himself in my closet and he won't come out. [Randy enters the room and tries to open the closet door, then knocks. Stan looks on] Randy: Mr. Cruise? Mr. Cruise, come out of the closet. Cruise: No! Randy: Come on, Mr. Cruise, this is ridiculous. Cruise: I'm never coming out! Randy: [to Stan] What did you say to him? Stan: I just told him I thought the Napoleon Dynamite guy is a better actor than he is. Randy: Oh boy. [knocks on the door again] Mr. Cruise, you can't just stay in the closet, alright? You need to come out. Sharon: What's going on? Randy: Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet. Sharon: What?? Cruise: Just leave me alone! Randy: Well, we CAN'T leave you alone because YOU won't come out of the closet! Scene Description: Channel 4 Network News - South Park Evening News. Chris: It's been four hours now, and Tom Cruise still will not come out of the closet. Hundreds of onlookers here have gathered here in hopes that the celebrity will finally give in. Sergeant: Tom Cruise, this is Park County police! Please come out of the closet. [the house is shown] Everybody here just wants you to come out of the closet, Tom. [someone takes a picture. The house is shown again] Nobody's gonna be mad, everything's gonna be all right. Just come out of the closet. Chris: We're still not exactly sure why Tom Cruise is in the closet, but I'm being joined now by famous singer/songwriter R. Kelly. R. Kelly: Well I was just standing here, and Tom Cruise locked himself in the closetI asked myself why won't Tom Cruise just come out the closet?Nobody has no answers, and so I pull out my gun! Scene Description: Stan's house, kitchen. The church leaders talk to. President: Please, understand, we just want what is best for your son. The reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard must be taken care of. He had many enemies. Randy: Wasn't L. Ron Hubbard a science-fiction writer? President: Yes. But he was also a prophet... who knew the secret truth about the nature of life. Sharon: This is just too much. President: We want to reveal to Stan the great secret of life behind our church. The safely-guarded Scientology doctrine. Please, your son deserves to be enlightened. Randy: Stan, do you want to hear the great secret doctrine of life behind Scientology? Stan: Sure. Randy: All right, go ahead and tell him. President: Would you excuse us, please? This is highly classified church information. Randy: Aw rats. [he and Sharon leave] President: Usually, to hear the secret doctrine, you have to be in the church for several years, Stan. [leans in] Are you ready to hear the truth? Stan: I, I guess. President: You see, Stan, there is a reason for people feeling sad and depressed. [leans in] An alien reason. It all began 75 million years ago. Back then there was a galactinc federation of planets which was ruled over by the evil Lord Xenu. Xenu: Ho ho ho ho ho ho. President: Xenu thought his galaxy was overpopulated, [Xenu gives his orders] and so he rounded up countless aliens from all different planets, [the roundup is shown] and then had those aliens frozen. [one by one, the aliens are frozen] Xenu: [laughing over his plan] Wa ha ha ha! President: The frozen alien bodies were loaded onto Xenu's galactic cruisers, which looked like DC-8s, except with rocket engines. The cruisers then took the frozen alien bodies to our planet, to Earth, and dumped them into the volcanoes of Hawaii. [a shot of the frozen aliens encased in ice being dropped from the orange cruisers] The aliens were no longer frozen, they were dead. The souls of those aliens, however, lived on, and all floated up towards the sky. But the evil Lord Xenu had prepared for this. Xenu: Wa ha ha ha! President: Xenu didn't want their souls to return! And so he built giant soul-catchers in the sky! [the soul-catchers are shown] The souls were taken to a huge soul brain-washing facility, which Xenu had ALSO built on Earth. [the souls are watching a movie screen with 3D glasses] There the souls were forced to watch days of brainwashing material [Egyptian gods, Jesus carrying the Cross, and a bronze Buddha statue are shown] which tricked them into believing a false reality. Xenu then released the alien souls, which roamed the earth aimlessly in a fog of confusion. At the dawn of man, the souls finally found bodies which they can grab onto. They attached themselves to all mankind, which still to this day causes all our fears, our confusions, and our problems. [Stan looks at the president, a bit awed] L. Ron Hubbard did an amazing thing telling the world this incredible truth. Now all we're asking you to do... [hands Stan a pen and some paper] is pick up where he left off. Stan: But I don't know any of this stuff. President: Neither did L. Ron when he started. He said he just closed his eyes, and wrote down whatever came to mind. You can do the same. Just let it flow. Stan: Okay, I'll try. I just wish I could write in my room, but Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet. President: I know. We've sent Nicole Kidman up there to see if she can help. Scene Description: Stan's bedroom. The sergeant, a photographer, the Marshes, and a few other people wait by the bedroom door. Nicole: [knocks on the closet door] Tom? Tom, It's Nicole. Cruise: Ah hi Nicole. Nicole: Tom, don't you think this has gone on long enough? It's time for you to come out of the closet. Cruise: ...I'm not, I'm not in the closet. Nicole: Yes you are, Tom. And you need to just end this and come out. [silence] I'm not gonna think any differently of you. Katie's not gonna think any differently of you. You don't need to be in that closet anymore, Tom. Cruise: I'm not in here, though. Nicole: Yes, you are. Cruise: I'm not, ...I'm not in the closet. Nicole: Then how am I talking to you, Tom? [silence] Tom, you can't hide forever just because the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard doesn't like your acting. Come out of the closet, Tom. You're not fooling anyone. Cruise: I'm, I'm not, I'm not in here. Scene Description: Stan's house, kitchen. Stan is at the breakfast table writing and rewriting. Wads of paper litter the table. Stan: [gets an idea] Yeah, yeah! Kyle: Hey Stan, we're gonna go to the movies. Stan: I can't. I'm writing a new sacred doctrine for my church. Kyle: Look, Stan, we're really getting concerned about this cult that you're getting into. Stan: Cult? Scientology isn't a cult, Kyle. I've read all this stuff and it's based on fact. Kyle: Dude, L. Ron Hubbard was a science-fiction writer. He lived on a boat with only young boys and got busted by the feds numerous times. Stan: I did not! Those are rumors put out by people who are afraid because they don't know the secret truth. Kyle: What secret truth?? Stan: I can't tell you unless you pay for a few years of audit counseling! All I know is that I was depressed before, and now I found meaning! Kyle: I didn't know you were depressed. Stan: Neither did I! But now, if you guys can't accept this great thing I belong to, then I suppose we're no longer friends! [Kyle and Kenny leave] Cartman: Stan, I just want you to know that I still hate Kyle more than you. [leaves] Scene Description: Stan's house, later, outside shot. Upstairs, John Travolta has joined the effort to get Cruise out of the closet. Travolta: Tom! Hey Tom, this is John Travolta. Cruise: Oh hey John. Travolta: Tom, you've gotta come out of the closet. Oh my God. Cruise: L. Ron Hubbard doesn't think I'm a great actor. Travolta: Mm-maybe you took what he said out of context. Okay, 's like, if you don't come out, can I at least come in and talk to you? Cruise: Oh... Okay, but no tricks. Travolta: No tricks. [gives the group standing out in the hall a thumbs-up. The door opens and John goes into the closet.] Hey, it's really nice n here. Cruise: Yeah, see? Travolta: I feel really safe. Oh my god. Randy: [knocks] Hello? [tries to force the door open] Hey, come out of there! Scene Description: Stan's house, outside shot. Chris: Tom, it now appears that John Travolta is also in the closet, and he refuses to come out. Here with more details once again, is R. Kelly. R. Kelly: I was just standing here. Tom Cruise locked himself in the closetThen John Travolta come and now, John Travolta in the closet too.Please Tom Cruise and John Travolta come out the closet!But then I calm myself down, and I pull out my gun! Chris: Oh geez, here we go with the gun again. R. Kelly: Scene Description: Stan's house, kitchen. The president of the church is reviewing Stan's work. President: Yes... Yes, oh this is great, Stan! Stan: I wrote that um, our followers shouldn't fly in DC-8s anymore because they're too much like Xenu's evil cruisers. President: Yes, of course! So wonderful! Stan: And I wrote that the evil Lord Xenu was recently broken out of galactic jail. President: Yes, of course! Stan: And best of all, I wrote that all the Scientologists should no longer have to pay money to belong. President: [his joy disappears] What? Stan: I I realize that to really be a church, we can't charge people for help. President: [turns around] What are you, stupid?! Then how do we make money from those people?! Stan: ... Well, it's not about the money, it's about the message, right? President: Wait a minute, whoa, whoa! You don't actually believe this crap, do you?? Dummy! Brainwashed alien souls?? E-meters and thetan levels?? Those people out there buy that crap and I thought YOU were smart enough to see what was really going on! Stan: But you said that there were- President: What's better than telling people a stupid story and having them believe you?! [Stan draws a blank] Having them PAY you for it, stupid! Stan: But then, why me? Why do you need me to write something so badly? President: Because if those people all think you're the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard, then they'll all buy your new writings, and you and I together will make three million dollars! Stan: Three million dollars? President: That's how the scam works! But this is a scam on a global scale! Do you fucking get me now?! [leans in a bit] Stan: Yeah. Yeah, I get you. President: Then keep writing, L. Ron! Your people are waiting. Scene Description: Stan's house, outside. A news brief. Chris: Breaking news here in South Park. Tom Cruise and John Travolta still... will not come out of the closet. Park County police have decided to try a new method. Scene Description: Stan's room. R. Kelly is there awaiting instructions. The police signal him towards the closet. R. Kelly: I've been asked to come up here, get you both out of the closetMan, this is some crazy shit. Why won't you both just come out the closet? And they said... Cruise, Travolta: We're not comin' out the closet, so you can just go away. R. Kelly: But everyone wants you out the closet. Cruise, Travolta: That doesn't matter 'cause we're gonna stay. R. Kelly: Now I'm startin' to get angry, so I pull out my gun! Scene Description: Stan's house, the next day. President: My fellow Scientologists! Our prophet has finished his new doctrine, and will now read some passages before making it available to you all for a nominal fee. [the crowd cheers] I give you... the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard! [two officials bow and then spread roses before Stan's feet as he walks down a red carpet towards a marble stand with "SCIENTOLOGY" engraved along the front. Stan is dressed in toga and laurel. The crowd cheers wildly] Stan: Uh, thanks. So, first of all, I've written that the brainwashed alien ghosts are actually from a galaxy called Nubanon. Crowd: Ohhhh. Man: Nubanon. Stan: And uh, oh, [hopeful faces look back at him] ...I ...I can't do this. President: Huh, what? Stan: Look, everybody, we're all looking for answer, you know. We all want to understand who we are and where we come from, but... sometimes we want to know the answers so badly that we... believe just about anything. Man 2: Huh? Woman: What? Stan: [takes off his laurel] I'm not the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard. And... Scientology is just a big fat global scam. Brian: Oh! We are gonna sue you! Stan: What?? President: Yeah, you think you can say our religion is a lie?! We'll sue you, buddy! Stan: YOU told me it was a lie! President: Ho, now you're puttin' words in MY mouth! You are so sued! Man 3: You can't make fun of Scientology, kid! We are gonna sue your ass AND your balls! Crowd: Yeah, that's right! President: How dare you mock our faith, you little punk?! You'll be hearing from our lawyers tomorrow! Chris: We've just had an incredible development here, Mitch. Tom Cruise, John Travolta, and R. Kelly, have all come out of the closet! [The three of them come out the front door and Cruise releases R. Kelly, who moves off and out of view.] Cruise: [approaches Stan] So you're NOT the prophet, huh?! You made me look stupid! I'm gonna sue you too! Stan: Well fine! Go ahead and sue me! Cruise: I will! I'll sue you in England! President: You are so sued, kid! Stan: Well go on, then! Sue me! President: We're going to! Stan: Okay, good! Do it! I'm not scared of you! Sue me!

Scene Description: An aquarium at Sea Park, Denver, day. The aquarium is full of spectators in stadium seats looking on as a whale goes about its routine. Brian: And now, Jambu is going to going to give you all a big wave! [the whale rolls to the right and smacks one of its fins on the water, which splashes onto the audience. The crowd ooos and ahhs. A wave of water hits the boys, who are sitting in the front row.] Cartman: I'm all wet! Sweet! Kyle: Dude, Jambu is the best! [Jambu returns and takes a quick dive towards the bottom of its tank.] Brian: Now get ready for Jambu's next trick. [Jambu leaps up into the air, performs a somersault, and strikes the water with its fluke, again sending water onto the boys] Cartman: Haha! I'm totally wet! This is awesome!! Brian: [shown as a brunet, with long sideburns] How about that, folks! A full body flip! And now, Kelly's gonna show us how she makes Jambu do his tricks. [a blonde woman in a wet suit steps forward, kneels down by the edge of the small dock she's on, and strikes the water three times with her hand] When Kelly slaps her hand three times, Jambu comes to her. Jambu will stay and wait until Kelly gives him a command. [she signals for him to go forward, and she dives in after him] Oh, what trick are we gonna see? Get those cameras ready! [Kelly dives and gets into position. Jambu circles the tank, then returns and pops up out of the water with Kelly on his nose. She then waves her arms signaling she's fine.] That's Kelly riding on Jambu's nose! [aside, to his partner Mike in the booth] I wish Kelly would ride on my nose. [they both laugh. Jambu drops a bit and Kelly dives off his nose. Jambu splashes the crown once more.] Cartman: Yes! Yeehehehes! [Jambu returns with Kelly on his nose as if she were a hood ornament] Brian: We hope you enjoyed Jambu's orca show, and enjoy the rest of your day at Denver's Sea Park! [clicks off his mic] You bunch of retards. [Mike laughs. Everyone begins to clear the small stadium] Stan: [reading the park map] Okay, where to next? Cartman: I think there's a sea lion show at 2:30. Kyle: Let's just stay here and watch the whale swim around some more. Cartman: Why? Kyle: Dude, everyone's leaving! We can walk right up to the tank and really study him. Cartman: Kyle, the show is over! The whale isn't gonna splash us any more, so who cares? Stan: Let's go see the stingrays, and then we can go to the sea lion show. Cartman: Killer. [the boys turn and leave] Kyle: I'll meet up with you guys in a little bit. I-I wanna hang out here some more. Cartman: Okay, Kyle. We're gonna get splashed some more, but if you wanna go make love to the whale, that's fine. [turns to catch up with Stan and Kenny. Kyle walks around the tank] Kyle: Jambu? Jambu? [taps the glass wall four times. Jambu dives and floats up facing Kyle] Cool! It worked! Hey, Jambu. Jambu: Hello, little boy. [Stan is awed that the whale could talk] You like my flippers? Kyle: [a little scared, looks around] Who said that? Jambu: I did. Kyle: No way! Jambu: This is very exciting! Usually when I talk, nobody can hear me. Where are you from? Kyle: [timidly] South Park. Jambu: It sure is nice to have somebody to talk to. Can't we talk more? Please? Kyle: What do you wanna talk about? Jambu: Let's talk about rocket ships. Kyle: Rocket ships? Jambu: [it's actually Brian, still in his booth] Yeah. I love rockets, but I can't see them 'cause I'm stuck in this tank. [he and Mike both laugh, then he shushes Mike and returns to the mic]. You know, someday, I wish that I could go up in space in a rocket ship. Kyle: Why? Aren't you happy here? Jambu: I try to be, but my wish is to one day blast off in a big rocket ship! Kyle: This is amazing! But wait right here. I've gotta go tell my friends about this! [the two men in the booth are laughing their asses off] Jambu: Oh God, it's funny every single time. [Mike continues laughing] Scene Description: At another exhibit in the park. Stingray Announcer: And for those of you just joining us, this is the stingray tank. Stingrays are members of the shark family, but they're extremely peaceful creatures. We invite you to gently touch the top of them as they swim by. Cartman: [slapping the water as a stingray approaches] Heh! Come on, stingray! [it speeds away. Another one approaches] Splash me! Ha! Hey, splash me! [it speeds away as well] Dude, these things are dumb. Let's go! Kyle: [running up to the other boys] Hey you guys! You guys are not gonna believe this! Stan: What? Kyle: Dude, he talks! The orca whale talks! Kenny: (What the fuck are you talking about?) Kyle: I went up to Jambu's tank and I tapped three times like the trainer did. Jambu swam up and started talking to me about rocket ships! Come on! You gotta check it out! [runs back towards Jambu's exhibit, grinning] Scene Description: Jambu's exhibit, Orca Ocean. Kyle: Jambu! Jambu, I'm back! [hits the wall four times, and Jambu swims around, stopping in front of Kyle again] How are you feeling? [no reply. A few seconds later...] Huhm. Jambu, you wanna talk about rocket ships? [Brian is playing a video game, Mike is reading a book - Mother Trucker.] Ja- Jambu? Are you still feelin' lonely here? Cartman: Kyle, Kyle. Let it go, man. Kyle: He talked! I swear to Abraham he talked, and he loves rocket ships! Mike: [noticing the commotion] Dude, he's back, he's back! [the two men get ready] Kyle: Goddammit, say something! Cartman: Come on, guys, let's leave Kyle with his stupid whale. Jambu: [Cartman stops in his tracks] Please don't call me stupid. Kyle: Jambu! Jambu, why didn't you speak up before? Jambu: I'm sorry. Sometimes I can't talk. It's because I'm very very sick, you see. Kyle: Sick? Stan: I don't believe it. Jambu: Yes, because I'm not used to the earth atmosphere. You see, my name is actually Willzy-x, and I'm from the moon! [Brian clicks off his mic, Mike laughs, and they both crack up] Mike: The moon? Jambu: The... that's where all orca whales are from. If I don't get back to the moon, I'm going to die. Cartman: You live on the moon? Jambu: I used to. I wish I could return and dance in the moon castle with my wife and three children again. Kyle: Oh my God... Stan: Why don't you just tell the people here at the sea park? Jambu: I can't tell them, because they're evil communists from the Horsehead Nebula. They want to kill all us zypods, so they keep us in these horrible tanks and make us perform. Kyle: That's terrible! Mike: Dude, dude, the boss is coming! Jambu: Uh, uh, sorry boys, I can't talk anymore. I'm too sick. [coughs] Can't. Talk. Any. More. [coughs. The boys stand there, stunned] Scene Description: Kyle's house, basement. Kyle: Alright guys, listen up! This may sound a little strange, but, the whale, at the Denver Sea Park, is going to die, unless we get it to the moon, Butters: Well okay! Let's do it! Kyle: The whale's name is Willzy-x, and he told us he's dying on our planet. We've come up wth a plan, but we're gonna need all of your help to make it work. Clyde: ...A whale. Talked to you. Stan: It's true. The whale talked to all of us. In between shows at his orca tank. Craig: Hey, that whale talked to me too. After everyone left the show I walked up to the glass and he started talking. Kyle: Weh-well, why didn't you tell anybody? Craig: Well I thought I was crazy. He said my dad was gonna sneak into my room naked one night and beat me up. Kyle: Well you're NOT crazy. The whale talked to all of us. And he needs our help getting him home. Craig: ...So it's true. Kyle: Nobody else is going to help him, you guys. We've got a chance to do something pretty special here. Are you with us? Token: ...What do we do? Kyle: Stan? [Stan rises and approaches the easel] Stan: All right. In order to make our plan work, we're going to need the pool from Clyde's back yard, Timmy's wheelchair, the Russian government, and all of our skateboards. Scene Description: Denver Sea Park, night. The boys arrive at the park. A security guard whistles as he patrols the grounds. Behind him a wheelchair is heard. He pulls out a flashlight and swings it around to highlight everywhere he looks. Timmy and the gang roll by quietly, the pool riding on the skateboards. Timmy: [softly] Timmihhhhh... [The guard looks back just after they pass by, so he just missed them. The boys reach Jambu's tank] Stan: Craig, Token, get the slings ready. [Cartman, Clyde, and a third boy position a ladder into place. Jambu swims over to see what's happening.] Kyle: Shhh. Willzy-x, don't say anything. We're gonna bust you out of here. Scene Description: Denver Sea Park, morning. Brian and Mike arrive at work. Brian: Dude, did you see that episode of Trading Spouses last night? That was insane. Yeah, well ha- whoa. What the hell? [people mill around by Jambu's tank. Police officers move about. The park's owner talks to the guard] Owner: How could you not have seen anything?? It's a whale, for Christ's sake! Guard: It must have been taken while I was going to the bathroom. Owner: Were you in there for three hours?! Guard: [hurt, turns away and shields himself] Don't yell at me! [Brianand Mike arrive from the booth] Brian: What happened? Kelly: Somebody kidnapped Jambu, took him right out of the park. Mike: What? How? Guard: [raises his head up long enough to say] I DON'T KNOW! Sergeant: All right, people, it's obvious we're dealing with a highly intelligent animal-rights group. Those bastards have done stuff like this before. Nelson: Sir! Sir, we've found a note! Owner: A note? Let me see that. [reads the note] We're taking Willzy-x home to the moon. Long live the zypods! [the duo instantly realize who stole Jambu] What the hell does that mean? Sergeant: Harris, run a fingerprint on that note! [hands the note to Harris] Nelson! Find out what kind of crayon it was written with. [Nelson leaves] We'll find out who was responsible for this! [the duo know the jig is up] Scene Description: The Orca Ocean booth. The duo are inside. Brian paces the floor. Mike: We have to tell them! We know what those boys look like! Brian: We can't tell them, then they're, they're gonna think this is all our fault Mike: It IS all our fault! Brian: How were we supposed to know that they were gonna actually do it?! Mike: I shouldn't have laughed. All those times we've messed with those kids' heads, I shouldn't have just sat there and laughed. Brian: [grabs him by the arms] Don't you say that! It was funny! It was really funny! We've just... [lets him go] we've just gotta make this right ourselves. Mike: How? Brian: We've gotta track down those kids. Before the police do! Scene Description: Moscow, day, the Kremlin. Inside, Putin and members of his staff meet in a boardroom. Putin: Comrades, I'm afraid our situation is dire. The economy is stale and I... Very soon, Mother Russia... will no longer be a country. Aide: Sir! Sir, somebody is on telephone! Another rich American wants to fly into space! [silence, then everyone rushes into Putin's office] Putin: Hello? Hello, this is Russian President. Kyle: Hi. My name's Kyle. Uh, I understand that your country flies people into space for money. Putin: Yes, we certainly do! [holds his left thumb up for the others to see] What were you looking for? Kyle: I need to book one trip to the moon, please. Right away. Putin: The moon. That is quite large trip, but I'm sure we can do it! Kyle: You can? Awesome! Putin: It sounds like we're in business! We will just need, say, twenty million dollars? Kyle: [lowers the phone with some disbelief] Twenty... million? [raises the phone to his ear again] Are you nuts? We don't have that kind of money. Putin: ...What? Kyle: But you need to understand: we have a whale here that needs to get back to his family on the moon. Putin: Goddamnit it is prank call again! [his staff leaves] Kiss my ass, George Bush! This is not funny! [slams the phone onto the base] Stan: What happened? Kyle: They want twenty million dollars. Cartman: Twenty million? Just to go to the dumb moon? Craig: That was it? That was you guys' whole plan? Ask the Russians to take the whale to space? Stan: They were going to do it for that 'N Sync guy. Tweek: Oh, Jesus, now what are we gonna do?! Kyle: All right, look, there's gotta be other Third-World countries with space programs. We've gotta split up and find someplace cheaper, that's all. Clyde: Well we can't keep the whale out here anymore, people are gonna see it! Scene Description: Channel 4 News Break. Anchor Tom: A beloved performing orca whale has been stolen from the Denver Sea Park. A full investigation is underway, but tracking down the kidnappers is proving to be one WHALE of a problem. Field reporter: Thanks, Tom, I'm here at the Denver Sea Park where, believe it or not, dozens of people have come to show support for whoever took the whale. [a crowd of protesters begin to chant] ALF leader: That's right. We are members of the Animal Liberation Front! Whales do not belong in tanks, they belong in the ocean! We applaud whoever did this noble deed! Set the whales free! Protesters: Set the whales free! Field reporter: One thing for certain: something is certainly FISHY here at the Sea Park. Tom? Anchor Tom: Thank, Mitch. It seems that this problem is almost un-BEAR-able. [no one says a word] Let's hope that whale is found. Scene Description: Brian and Mike arrive in South Park in a truck with a tank-trailer. Mike: This is so bad, man. How do we even know this is the right town to look in?? Brian: Will you relax? Those kids said they were from South Park. We've just gotta go door to door. Do you have the composite sketch we did? Mike: [holds up a sheet of paper] Yeah. Brian: Let's go! [they exit the truck and face the houses on one side of the street] Mike: Maybe you should start with the houses on the left, a-and I'll take the- Brian: [stops him] Wait a minute. Check that out! [before them is a big pool in a backyard. The fence, which normally blocks off the view from the street, is destroyed, and tracks go through the gap all the way to the pool] Come on! [they move towards the pool and walk up the steps. Brian grabs some crap floating on the surface and shows it to Mike] Oh my good, look! Mike: Whale poo. Brian: We're close. We're really close! Mrs. Donovan: [the sliding door opens] Can I help you? Brian: [drops the poo quickly and turns to face her] Oh... h-hello ma'am. We're just here to examine your pool. Mrs. Donovan: Oh. Mike: Have you noticed any whales in your pool at all? Mrs. Donovan: No, I don't believe so. But we've been out of town for a couple of days and came back to find the fence broken. Do you think somebody's been using it? Brian: Ma'am, do you recognize any of these boys? [Mike hands her the sketch. She takes it and studies it] Mrs. Donovan: The fat one in the middle... kinda looks like Dakota Fanning. Excuse me, gentlemen, I have to get back to the oven. [hands the sketch back to the Mike] Mike: [turns around, getting exasperated] We're too late. They've moved on to another town! Brian: We don't know that! Mike: If they've moved on, then we have no leads! This is fate, Brian! It's fate! For telling the kids their naked dads were gonna beat them up! For thinking that screwing with kids was funny! Brian: [grabs his Mike and shakes him] It WAS funny!! It was funny, Bob! And it will be funny again, I swear to you! If those boys took the whale out of here, we would have seen them on the road! I'm telling you, we're close. It's going to be funny! Scene Description: Kyle's house, day. His parents are at his bedroom door with Ike. Sheila: [knocks three times] Kyle bubbe, we're taking Ike to the new Harry Potter movie. Wanna join us? Kyle: I can't, Mom. We're working on our school project. Sheila: All right. Well, there's pizza in the fridge if you and your friends get hungry. [Gerald goes down the stairs with Ike as she speaks, then she turns away and goes down the stairs] Kyle: Okay ma, thanks! [behind him is Jambu, and the other boys are keeping him moist] Butters: Shouldn't we get him back in the water? Clyde: Whales are mammals; they don't need water to breathe, dumb-ass. Cartman: Yeah, we just have to keep him wet. Kyle: Yes, yes, hello? Is this Mr. Su-gi-yama with the Japanese space program? [waits for the answer] How much to take a whale into space? [waits for the answer] Nu-no, we don't want you to eat the whale, we want you to send it to the moon. How much? Jesus Christ! Uh hang on. [puts Mr. Sugiyama on hold as he answers another call] Hello? Jimmy, any luck at the Chinese Embassy? Jimmy: [with Timmy and Tweek] The Ch-Chinese will take someone to space for t-t-ten million dollars. Kyle: Ten million?? Well that's more than the Germans want! Jimmy: Yeah. We told them that, a-and they told us to go f-fruck ourselves. Kyle: Damnit! [hangs up without returning to Mr. Sugiyama] Tell me what to do, Willzy-x! How do we get you home?? Cartman: He hasn't said a word since we brought him here. Kyle: Yeah... He must be really sick. [walks up to the whale and strokes him] Hang on Willzy-x. There's still hope. Stan and Craig might still luck with the space program down in Mexico. Clyde: Mexico has a space program? Scene Description: Mexico. A view of the coast is first seen. Then, in a downtown area, a bus lets Stan and Craig out and leaves. Stan follows the directions on a map, and eventually end up in front of Jose's Ceramica Y Fuentes. A man is sitting by the entrance next to a fountain. Stan: Uh, excuse me, we're looking for the Mexican... [enunciates] Aeronautica y Spacia Administra-tio-n? Man: Allí. ("There") [points down the road] Stan: Thanks. [they leave and arrive at MASA - Mexicana Aeronáuti'co y Spacia Administración] Scene Description: MASA - Mexicana Aeronáuti'co y Spacia Administración. Within the chain link fence, there are a few buildings, along with abandoned appliances, oil barrels and a gass pump and several men either standing or sitting around and relaxing. One man, Mannuel, is by the entrance and appears to be cleaning a rocket part as Stan and Craig appear. Stan: Is this the Mexican space program? [again, neglected beauty, and the place looks quite primitive for a space administration, straight out of the 1950s.] Mannuel: Space, sí ("Yes"). Fly [Gestures flying upward with his left hand]. Stan: Does the Mexican space programs have rockets that can go to the moon? Mannuel: Claro. Sígueme. ("Sure. Follow me") [sets down the part he was cleaning and goes inside the complex. The boys follow him] Scene Description: MASA - Mexicana Aeronáuti'co y Spacia Administración. Inner complex. Along with more garbage and abandoned cars, there are three rockets lined up to be launched. The rockets are near a boat dock. Mannuel: De rocket lunar? ("The space rocket?") Stan: This rocket will fly to the moon? Mannuel: Sí ("Yes"). Fly [Gestures flying upward with his left hand]. Stan: To the moon? Mannuel: Sí. Stan: [enunciates] We want to take something to the moon. How much would that cost? Man 2: O-ah... Two hundred. Stan: Two hundred? Million? Man 2: Two hundred... dollars. Stan: [to Craig] Quick, call Kyle. Scene Description: The Broflovski house, day. Sheila is cleaning a lamp table next to the sofa when the doorbell rings. She goes to answer it. Brian: Eh hello ma'am, uh, the teacher at the school said she recognized this boy to be your son? [Sheila takes the composite sketch and looks at Kyle's image] Sheila: Oh yes, that's my bubbe. Kind of a bad drawing though. Brian: Ma'am, we need to talk to your son, please! It's very urgent! Sheila: I'm sorry, he just left. He's on his way to Mexico. Both men: Mexico?? Sheila: Yehhs. As part of a school project, he's helping his class to move two donated grand pianos to needy school children in Tijuana. My little bubbe is very caring. Mike: Oh my God. Brian: Which highway did they take?? Scene Description: On the highway during the day, a truck zips along. Kenny, Clyde, Cartman, and Butters ride in the cab with the driver, Kyle is in the trailer with Willzy-x, keeping him moist with damp clothes. Cartman: Hurry it up, dude, we have a rocket to catch. Kyle: Hang on, Willzy-x. Hang on, buddy. Scene Description: The highway, night. The truck keeps rolling. Cartman: We have to hurry! Driver: I'm going as fast as I can. Kyle: Hang on, Willzy-x. We'll in Mexico soon!. Butters: Oh hamburgers! What is that?? [The Denver Sea Park truck appears before them and blocks their way, so the driver stops. Brian steps out of the Sea Park truck. Mike joins him and they both stand before the Moovit truck until it stops, then they move to the driver's side door] Brian: All right, out of the truck! Cartman: Uh oh. Driver: What the hell is goin' on?! Brian: You're carrying a stolen whale! Driver: Stolen? You kids told me you won that whale at Pizza Hut! Clyde: We're busted. [Brian and Mike roll up the trailer and Kyle looks] Kyle: Huh? Brian: Come on out, kid. [the four other boys walk around Brian and stop] Driver: Look, I didn't know nothin' about this. Brian: Just help us get the whale into our truck and we'll all keep quiet about this. Kyle: You don't understand! Willzy-x is from the moon! He'll die if we don't get him back, now! Willzy-x, you have to talk! Come on boy, you have to! I know you're sick, but you could do it! Mike: Look, kid, we need to tell you a little secret. [a bright light comes on and a police siren sounds. They all turn to see who it is. Two motorcycle cops get off their bikes.] Cop 1: What's goin' on here?? Brian: Aw crap. Butters: Oh, now we're gonna get it. Cop 1: Hey... That's the stolen whale! Cop 2: Everyone down on the ground. Now! Kyle: No! Please, we have to go! Cop 2: You're not goin' anywhere! You're in a lot of trouble! [the first cop starts making arrests] Kyle: But... we were so close... I'm sorry, Willzy-x. We tried. Cop 1: We said down on the ground, kid. Move it! [three gunshots come out of nowhere, and everyone turns to see whom it could be now.] ALF leader: Leave those kids alone, you bastards! Animal Liberation Front! [the ALF members growl] Cop 1: Put down that weapon, now! ALF leader: These boys are trying to get that whale home! You're not gonna stop them! Kyle: All right!! The Other Boys: Yes! Wow! Cop 2: That whale belongs to a sea park! Kyle: It belongs with its family! ALF member: That's right! Cop 1: I said drop the gun NOW! ALF leader: Save the whale! [fires her gun and charges. The other ALF members charge and fire as well. Cop 2 is hit and falls. Cop 1 fires back. The boys hide behind the Moovit! truck] Mike: Jesus, Oh God! [he's soon riddled with bullet holes and falls over] ALF member: Save the whales, motherfucker! ALF leader: [fires a few more rounds over the boys' heads as she positions herself behind them] Where are you taking the whale? Kyle: Tijuana, Mexico! ALF leader: Of course. Brilliant! Release it in international waters. I'll drive the truck. [she and the boys get into the cab, Kyle stays in the trailer with the whale] Kyle: You're going home, Willzy-x! [the truck drives away, and Brian crawls over to Mike] Brian: Mike? Mike?? Mike: [still has enough life in him to cough and say] It... wasn't... funny... Brian: Don't say that, Mike. It was funny. It just wasn't that funny this time. [Mike's head drops] All the other times were still funny, Mike! They were still funny!! Cop 1: [crawls to his bike and grabs a radio] Forty-five to dispatch... Stolen whale... heading to Tijuana... Whaaale to Tijuana!! [falls] Scene Description: MASA, night. Workers get the rocket to the moon ready. They connect chains to the body. Worker 1: Conecte la segunda cadena. ["Connect the second chain."] Worker 2: No sé si va a llegar. ["I don't know if it'll reach."] Stan: They're on their way, Manuel. Is the rocket gonna be ready? Manuel: Scene Description: The highway, night. The Moovit! truck is now accompanied by an ALF van. Butters: Look! The Mexican border! Clyde: Oh Jesus, they're here! Scene Description: U.S. Customs / Mexico Boarder Checkpoint. The sign reveals that they are in Arizona and about to enter into Mexico. The Park County cops are blocking the checkpoint and have their guns pointed. Sergeant: Hold your positions! [a police helicopter comes down. The owner of the sea park and the orca trainers step down from it, along with the security guard] Owner: Aha! We've got them! ALF leader: Hang on, boys. Owner: Mary Mother of God! [the Moovit! truck barrels through the helicopter and blockade. Everyone in the way jumps out of the way. The Moovit! truck is now in Mexico] Sergeant: [lying face down, points at the truck] Get them! Scene Description: MASA, later. The Moovit! truck rolls in. Kyle: Willzy-x, I think we're here. Stan: [to the ALF leader] Back down the ramp! It's all rigged to go! ALF leader: You got it, kid! [makes a quick right, then backs up left and towards the end of the dock] Owner: [arriving at MASA with the guard and trainers] Don't let them get that whale in the water! [Kyle rolls open the trailer door] Stan: Kyle, it's all set to go! [the ALF van rolls in] Just get Willzy-x into the water! [some ALF officers emerge from the van.] Kyle: Come on, guys! [Craig, Clyde, Kenny, Butters, and Cartman show up. Clyde and Kenny jump up and pull the ramp down] Owner: [starts to run in with the guard and trainers] Stop right now! ALF leader: Hurry, boys! We'll take care of them! [The zoo personnel and the ALF face off, with the ALF landing the first blows. Kelly goes down like a statue. At the dock, the boys struggle to move Willzy-x into the water] Kyle: Hang on. [looks around] Hold on a second. [steps down into the water and addresses Willzy-x] I gues... I... guess... this is... goodbye, Willzy-x. [the whale opens his mouth. Kyle begins to tear up] I'm gonna miss you. [Butters and Clyde tear up and look at each other] Hey, don't forget me, okay? I won't forget you. [sniffs a bit, then pets the whale.] Cartman: Oh crap! There's more of them! [police cruisers pour in and officers pour out of them] Kyle: Get him in the water! [the boys pull Willzy-x once more, with a mighty pull] Goodbye, Willzy-x! [the whale takes to the water and the ALF cheers a job well done] ALF leader: Swim, mighty whale! You're free! Stan: Okay, Manuel, hit it. [Manuel presses the launch button] Owner: [advances with the guard and police] Stop! That is my whale! ALF leader: I'm afraid you're too late! The whale's been set free. Owner: No! ALF leader: Now you see that your ways of captivity and exploiting animals will never prevail. [behind her, a rocket rises into launch position] Not as long as there are children like these who still believe in the beauty and magic of freedom. [The park owner, guard, police, and now FBI gawk at her, or at the rocket behind her.] For it is children, with their innocence and their spirit, who know what is truly best for all the world. Scene Description: the rocket is now in position. The rocket powers up and now she hears it. She and the ALF turn to see the rocket rise out of its base. Behind it are the chains, attached to a sling below water holding Willzy-x. The chains tighten and lift Willzy-x up and away. The boys grin big. ALF leader: Oh my God! Kyle: We did it! Scene Description: the boys cheer, congratulate each other, and dance. The Mexican launch crew does so as well. A mariachi band appears out of nowhere for the celebration and plays the Mexican anthem. On the US side of the border, Brian looks up to see the rocket rise into space with Willzy-x trailing along in the sling. He laughs weakly. Scene Description: South Park, night. Manuel has driven the boys back to town in the Moovit! truck and lets them off in their neighborhood. Stan: Thanks for the ride, Manuel. Manuel: Sí, bye. [closes the door and drives off] Butters: Well, see ya, fellas. Uh I've gotta get home before my parents wake up. Clyde: Yeah, me too. [Craig goes off as well] Kyle: All right. Thanks for your help, dudes. [the boys walk towards Kyle's house, but Kyle stops] Well, we did it, guys. It wasn't easy, but... we did a really amazing thing. Cartman: Yeah, I feel pretty awesome right now. [Stan looks at the sky and steps forward. The other boys join him. Before them, up in the sky, is the full moon, bright and nicely detailed] Stan: I wonder... if he'll ever come back and visit us. Kyle: I don't know, but at least from now on, every time we look at the moon, we can know that Willzy-x is up there, dancing with the other zypods in his castle. Scene Description: A shot of the moon, with the Earth in the distance. On the ground lies Willzy-x, motionless.

Scene Description: Ichi Ban Karate, day. The boys are in a karate class geared towards kids. Their fathers sit behind the instructor, keeping themselves busy as the kids take lessons. Class: Ichi! Instructor: Ichi! Class: Ichi! Instructor: Ichi! Class: Ichi! Instructor: Ichi! Class: Ichi! Instructor: Ichi! Class: Ichi! Cartman: Ichi banzai Instructor: Ichi! Cartman: Ichi banzai! Kya! Instructor: Karutamane-san! What are you doing?! Cartman: I'm doing some sweet bun-sow moves. [an aside] I'm a little better than everyone else here. Instructor: Eriku-san, you must follow direction! You raku disciprine! Cartman: Nah-uh, I don't raku disciprine! Instructor: Mina-san! You all needu more disciprine! [softens his tone] True disciprine... come from within. We are out of time. I will see you on Tuesday. [he dismisses the class in Japanese, they answer back] Kyle: [to Stan] Dude, we've gotta hurry home! The final episode of Lost is on soon. [Cartman and Ike join them. Cartman is wearing a WWII-era Japanese flag as a head band] Cartman: Yeah, let's go. Stan: [looks around] Wait. Where's my Dad? Kyle: He knew he had to take us all home, too, right? Stan: Yeah. Scene Description: Outside Ichi Ban Karate. The boys are last out of the class. Stan: Dad? Where the hell could he have gone?? Randy: [waddles in from Stan's right drunk, carrying two bottles of beer] Oh hey, sorry boys. Male Voice: Later Randy. Randy: [turns to look at the source] Hey, see you Nelson. Stan: Dad, weren't you watching? Randy: Well, I ran into Nelson from work. We were at the bar watching the game. Two-dollar margaritas! It was great. All right, come on, I'll drive you guys home. [waddles onto a parking space on his way to the driver door] Kyle: Are you sure you're all right? Randy: Oh yeah, I'll be fine. I got some beers to keep my buzz going. Scene Description: On the road. Randy chugs more beer as he drives the boys back home. Ike, Cartman, and Kyle sit in the back seat. Stan watches as Randy finishes one bottle, tosses it to the floor, opens another one, and starts chugging. Stan: Dad, aren't you supposed to like, not drink and drive? Randy: I'm not drinking and driving, I'm driving while I'm drinking. Right, boys? Cartman: Sure, whatever dude. Randy: ...Oh I gotta pee. Hand me that empty bottle, Stan. Stan: Why not just pull over? Randy: Stan, you need to learn some things about being a man! Now give me that bottle! [Stan picks up a bottle and hands it to him] There's a [Zip. Stan's jaw drops] reason why God made our penises like little hoses, boys. Hold the wheel, Stan. [Stan reaches over and holds it in place] When you boys start driving, you're gonna need to learn to do this too. Woahp! [swerves to avoid what turns out to be a police car] Stan: Dad, we're gonna crash! Randy: Shh! Trying to concentrate! [the cruiser revs up, its lights turn on, and it begins to follow the car. Kyle looks to see what the cop will do] Just hold the damn wheel! [the sound of urine pouring into an empty bottle is heard] Kyle: Dude, I think you're being followed. [turns around. Cartman then turns around to look] Randy: Oh yeah? [instinctively displays his middle finger] Get off my ass, dickhole! Cartman: [turns around] No, dude, it's the police. [the sirens are heard] Randy: Aww crap! [pulls over. The cruiser does as well] Here, hold this! [gives Stan the warm bottle of urine, looks around, and zips up his fly.] Stan: Aww, it's all warm! Randy: Everybody just stay calm! I can handle this, no problem. I know how to deal. [sticks some gum into his mouth and starts chewing. The cop taps on his window. Randy lowers the window.] Officer: License and registration, please. Randy: What seems to be the officer, problem? Officer: [studies the situation, then] ...Sir, why don't you step out of the car for me? Randy: Okay. [steps out of the car and straggles a few steps] Officer: Sir, I'm going to give you a sobriety test. Randy: Okay, no problem. Easy. Officer: Stand over here, please? [moves him a few steps] Right there. All right, now I want you to hold your arms out at your sides... [Randy stands there for a moment, then raises his arms out] Randy: Ooof. There! I did it, see?! No problem! Officer: And now touch your finger to your nose. Randy: Do what?? Officer: Touch your finger to your nose. Randy: Wull come on, that's impossible! Officer: Just bring one hand to your nose, like this. [demonstrates.] Randy: Okay... Okay, hang on... Okay... [begins to make the attempt and wobbles] Okay, hang, ha-, ...hang on... Hol-! Hold on. [turns around and his pants begin falling around his legs] Wa-hang on, hang on. [Cartman and Kyle are watching, Stan can't bear to look] Cartman: Dude, what the hell is he doing? Kyle: I think his pants are falling down. Scene Description: moments later, Randy is arrested and placed in the back seat of the cruiser. Randy: What? What did I do?! [the officer closes the door] What did I do?! Scene Description: South Park police station. Officers go about their business as Randy is brought in. Randy is now taking a breathalyzer test. Officer: Keep blowing. Keep blowing. Keep blowing. [Randy vomits onto the floor all of a sudden] Aw Jesus! Scene Description: South Park police station, waiting area. Stan: [still not looking] This is sooo embarrassing. Cartman: You know, Stan, I'd say your dad racksa disciprine! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, next day, classroom. The kids are in class before the school bell rings, chatting. Kyle: You know, I didn't even get home until 2:30. Cartman: Man, that was such a bummer. Stan: Look, guys, about last night, can you just be quiet about it? Cartman: Why? Stan: Because, I don't want everyone knowing, okay? Could we please just keep this to ourselves? Cartman: All right, Stan. Sure. [the school bell rings and Mrs. Garrison enters with her books, setting them on her desk] Mrs. Garrison: Okay children, let's take our seats. [the kids take their seats] Today we will be continuing our study of economics. But first, we're going to hear from a motivational speaker. The state has sent over somebody to talk to you all about the dangers of drunk driving. Please welcome Stan's dad. [a sober Randy walks in slowly and looks down] Stan: Oh Jesus. [puts his hands over his eyes. Mrs. Garrison sits at her chair] Randy: Well uh, I'm, s'posed to tell you kids about how bad drinking is, um... I'd-did a little drinking and driving. As part of my punishment I'm... doing community service work at schools like these. Mrs. Garrison: Oh that's very interesting, isn't it, kids? [the kids stay silent, Stan buries his face in his desk] Randy: Uh, you you shouldn't drink, because it leads to uh bad things. I was in jail for the night and well I guess I donno, I... Just don't drink but,... if you must drink, d-definitely don't drive. I've... definitely learned that firsthand, and uh, uuh, that's all, I guess. Mrs. Garrison: ...Well, I think we've all learned an important lesson, haven't we, class? If you don't make the right choices in life, you could end up being a big loser like Stan's dad. [the kids stay silent, Stan keeps his face buried] Drinking and driving is for idiots. Nobody wants to end up like Stan's dad, do they? [another shot of the class] I want you all to take a good look at Stan's dad and say, "Is that who I want to be in thirty years? Getting tickets and having to go to elementary school classrooms and talk about how pathetic I am?" Thank you Mr. Marsh, I think you made your point. [Randy turns away and walks out of the class] Scene Description: Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. A 12-step program is on the wall behind the speaker. AA Speaker: Hello again everyone, my name is Michael, and, I'm an alcoholic. Group: [all wave] Hi, Michael. Michael: As most of you know I once lost my job and my family because of my drinking. But with the help of AA I've been sober for ten years now. [the group claps] Anyone have anything they wanna tell the groups, for starters? Man 1: [stands up] My name's Bill, and Im an alcoholic. Group: Hi Bill. Randy: [subdued] Hi Bill. Bill: I've been using the 12-step program for about two months now and, and I'm really turning my life around. No more blowing guys on Colfax Avenue for a pint of vodka for THIS cowboy! [the group claps. Bill sits down] Michael: That's great. And I understand this is somebody's first AA meeting, is that right? [Randy points to himself]</> Y-yes, you sir. Stand on up and introduce yourself. Randy: [rises] Um, my name's Randy, and... I just, really like beer. Man 2: You have to admit you're an alcoholic. Randy: [slowly] But, I don't know if I'm really an alcoholic. Big woman: Then why are you here? Randy: Because I got a DUI and so I'm required to attend AA meetings for two weeks. I was stupid one night and drank too much and then drove a car. That was dumb and I'm not gonna do it again. Michael: Randy, you are powerless to make that decision. The only thing that works is the 12-step program. [points out the 12 steps] Step 1 is admitting that you are powerless to control your drinking. Only then can you move on to the other 12 steps, like, believing that only a higher power, God, makes you stop drinking. And then, turning your life over to that God and, humbly asking God to remove your weaknesses. Randy: What wait wait, hold on. I never knew that Alcoholics Anonymous was a religious thing. Michael: Well it's not religious. You just have to admit that there is some kind of god which has power over you and turn your life over to that god and ask him for forgiveness. That's the 12-step program, not religion. Randy: Look, I, I really just need to cut down on my drinking and never drive the car drunk again. Michael: [approaches Randy] You just can't cut down on your drinking, Randy. You need to know something. You have a disease. Randy: Uh... a disease? Michael: That's right. Alcoholism is a disease. You're sick, Randy. You're very very sick. And just like with most diseases, you can't cure it yourself. And it's deadly. Randy: [appalled by the "diagnosis"] Oh my God... Scene Description: Stan's house, later. Stan arrives and enters. As he hears the sofa, he sees his father wrapped in a blanket and bottles of beer on the coffee table before him. Another bottle is next to him on the couch. He's sipping more beer. Stan: Dad! What the hell are you doing?! Randy: [quivering] Hello, Stan. Stan: Dad, it's the middle of the day! I thought you weren't going to drink as much anymore! Randy: No, Stan, you don't understand. I have a disease. Daddy's very sick. Stan: What?? Did you go to your AA meeting?! Randy: Yes, they're the ones that told me. I thought I could just quite drinking on my own, but... it's an illness, son. I have to admit that I'm powerless to this terrible disease. [coughs, drinks, and burps.] Stan: Dad, you've had enough! Just stop now! Randy: I can't! I'm sick! [begins to cry and walks off in his blanket. He goes to the bathroom and closes the door, then goes to the vanity and looks in the mirror] It's not fair! Why did you give me this disease?! [coughs as he cries, then takes some shears to his hair and shaves it off. Stan is about to pour milk into a glass downstairs] Stan! Stan! [Stan stops and sets the carton of milk down, then walks into the living room, where Randy is now seated in a wheelchair.] Stan. Stan: Aww, Goddammit! Randy: Stan I... need your help. Stan: Dad, what are you doing in Grandpa's extra wheelchair?! Randy: Gotta try to take it easy from now on, son. Get Daddy another beer, will ya? Stan: No! You don't need another beer! Randy: [turns away and rolls off] I know that! But this disease is just eating me up! I hate my illness! Stan: Dad, you just need to not drink so much. It's very simple. Randy: I wish it was that simple, son. But if I don't give myself up to a higher power, this disease is going to kill me dead. I'm afraid the only thing that will cure me... is a miracle. Scene Description: the nighttime sky. The camera pans down from the big, bright moon to a church with a grotto in front with a statue of the Virgin Mary with halo looking down benevolently. Somewhere on the statue a red dot appears. The dot grows into a patch and begins to bleed down the gown. The parish priest is walking away from the church when he notices the bleeding. He turns to get a better look, smears some of the liquid onto his finger, and analyzes it. Priest: [softly] Es un milagro. [loudly] Es un milagro! [immediately gets on his knees and crosses himself, then holds the bloodied finger upright] Scene Description: A news report in front of the church, day. A crowd begins to gather at the grotto. Chris: Tom, I'm standing in the garden of St. Peter's church in Bailey, where what some call a miracle is taking place. The statue of the Virgin Mary has started to bleed. Out its ass. [an establishing shot of the statue] The phenomenon was first seen by Father Harold Barnes, [standing with the Spanish-speaking priest in front of the statue's backside] who saw the blood coming from the Virgin Mary's ass late last night. [back to the reporter] People from all over the state have flocked here to the church to witness the apparent miracle firsthand. Woman 1: Well, we just heard that this miracle was happening and we wanted to see it for ourselves and come and pray. Chris: Why do you believe the Virgin Mary is dripping blood? Woman 2: Well it may represent her sorrow over all the bad things going on in the world. Chris: Why do you believe the Virgin Mary is dripping blood out her ass? [both women stay silent] As news of the miracle spreads, hundreds are expected to show up here at the church, hoping to witness the miracle, and even cure their diseases. Scene Description: The Marsh living room. Randy's watching the screen. Randy: Cure... cure disease. STAN!! Scene Description: The next AA meeting. Man 3: My name is Harry and I'm an alcoholic. Group: Hi Harry. Harry: I've been sober now for five years and I I've learned that drinking ice tea and, and getting more involved with my relationship with God is, is, is way more fun than partying. Woman 2: It it sure is. Harry: Once I accepted that I was powerless to control my drinking and my life, I I put it in God's hands and now, these meeting are the most fun thing I do. Man 4: Yeah. [Stan enters the meeting room and walks up towards the front] Stan: Ah, excuse me, who's in charge here? Michael: None of us are in charge. We're all powerless. Group: We sure are. That's right. Uh huh. Stan: Uh, look, my dad was here yesterday and ...you all kind of messed him up by telling him he had a disease? Harry: Alcoholism is a disease. Stan: No it, it's not. And, y-you can't just go around saying stuff like that to people like my dad. He He's kind of, a hypochondriac Man 2: It is a disease because it's a physical dependency. That makes it a disease. Stan: No, cancer is a disease. My dad needs to drink less. Michael: He can't quit by himself. None of us could. He needs divine intervention. Spirituality. Stan: No, he just needs a disciprine. But thanks to you people, my dad now thinks he has a disease that he can't cure himself. Michael: Young man, do you know anything about the 12-Step Program? Stan: Yeah, and I also know a thing or two about cults. I was the leader of one for a while. [he is promptly kicked out] Goddammit! [walks off] Scene Description: Another news report. Chris: The crowd grows larger every hour, as the statue of the Virgin Mary continues to miraculously cry blood... out her ass. A Cardinal, Mallory, has been sent by the Vatican to determine whether this is a true miracle or not. [the cardinal and two assistants walk into the grotto] Father Barnes: [showing the Cardinal where to go.] Right this way, Cardinal. [the cardinal, priests, and assistants go behind the statue] The blood always comes from the same area. Sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. [the Cardinal walks into position and begins to take a good look. He puts on his glasses and looks again. He looks even closer, and a stream of blood shoots at his eyes. His face and bust are full of blood as he moves from the back of the statue to the front. He wipes gobs of blood from his glasses and mouth and tosses them to the floor] Cardinal Mallory: [Irish accent] It's a miracle! [the waiting crowd cheers] Scene Description: The street. Stan is still pissed off from his expulsion from the AA meeting, but he notices his father grunting. Randy is next to the car, still in the wheelchair. He opens the car door and climbs in. Randy: [burps] Uh, kay, here we go. [gets into position] Stan: [rushes up] Dad?! Dad, what are you doing?! Randy: I gotta drive to Bailey. [chugs another beer] Stan: Dad, you're drunk! You're not driving a car! Randy: No, Stan, you don't understand. There's a church in Bailey. The statue of the Virgin Mary is bleeding out her ass. Stan: [stays quiet, then] What?? Randy: They say her divine ass blood has miraculous healing power. She can cure my alcoholism! I'll be back soon! Stan: Dad, you can't drive! Your license is suspended, remember?! If you get pulled over again, you're gonna go to jail for ten years! Randy: [thinks] Alright... then you drive. [points to Stan] Stan: ... I'm eight! Randy: [makes a fist with his right hand] This is my only hope, Stan! Either you drive this car or I will! Scene Description: On the road. Randy sits in the passenger side chugging more beer. Randy: I sure hope this works. No. No, it will work! I have to put my faith in a higher power. I HAVE to believe that this will work! [looks off to his left] There! There's the church! Stop right here, Stan! Stan: Where? I can't see. Randy: Right here is good! Brake pedal! Left pedal! [Stan manages to pull into a spot] Alright, get my wheelchair out of the back. [takes another chug of beer] Scene Description: St. Peter's Church in Bailey, night. Stan wheels Randy up to the end of the line, but isn't happy to be doing this. Randy: Is this the line? [Stan's eyes open wide. Before them is a long line leading up to the grotto] Oh God! [gets in line] Is this whole line people waiting to be cured? Man 5: Yeah. I was diagnosed with brain cancer two months ago. I feel like this is my only hope. Randy: I know exactly how you feel. I've got alcoholism. Stan: [covers his eyes] Oh my God... Randy: Wait a minute. Stan, isn't that Josh Garrett up there? He's from South Park. Maybe he'll let us in line with him. Stan: Dad, let's just wait our turn. Randy: I could die waiting in this line, Stan. Come on, let's go! [Stan wheels him up to Josh.] Heeey heh, Josh Garrett. How you doin'? Josh: Oh, hey Randy. What happened to you?? Randy: I've got a disease: Alcoholism. It's pretty serious. You? Josh: Mm-my daughter has elephantitis [the camera pans down to a horribly deformed girl with a bad breathing condition and crutches.] Randy: We are the same, she and I. Man 6: Eey, what do you think you're doin', kid? Old woman: [in her wheelchair]You're trying to cut in line! Stan: I just, my dad was- Man 7: [walks around the old woman] You're a butter! You're a dirty line cutter! [the statue is shown, and another elderly lady walks up to it. Father Barnes takes some blood from the statue's ass and forms a cross with it on the woman's forehead] Old woman 2: Praise Jesus. [walks away smiling. The crowd moves up on. Randy didn't return to the back of the line.] Randy: This is taking too long! I'm gonna run out of beer! Stan! Stan: What?! Randy: [in hushed tones] You see that guy up there? I think he has a kidney disease. Every couple of minutes he gets out of line to go to the bathroom. When he leaves next, let's take his place. Stan: No, Dad, people will see! Randy: The guy behind him is blind! There he goes! C'mon! C'mon! Go go go! [the line advances and Stan and Randy quickly move in and fill the space] Blind man: Hey. I smell a butter. Woman 3: He did, that kid just cut in line! Man 8: Back o'the line, butter! Randy: I'm going to die! Stan: [gets into position to move the wheelchair to the back of the line] Dad, we're going back! Officer: What's goin' on here? Man 9: This kid's cutting in line! Randy: Please, officer, you have to understand. I need a miracle way more than these people. I'm an alcoholic, and I'm powerless over it. Officer: ...I understand. My, my brother's an alcoholic. Here, let me push you to the front of the line. [Stan looks on a bit stunned] Randy: Oh bless you, sir! Bless you! [the line parts as the officer moves him] 'Scuse me, out of the way, alcoholic coming through! [the officer moves him into position. Randy wheels himself closer] She's... beautiful. [the statue squirts a long stream of blood on him and he rejoices in it] Aaaah. AAAAAaaaaah! [opens his eyes, and the statue quickly squirts him one more time. He then wheels himself into view and struggles to get up from the wheelchair. He still has a bottle with him] I'm... not... going... to drink this. I'm not going to drink this! [throws the bottle off somewhere] It's a miracle! I'm cured! [begins to dance away. Stan is embarrassed and stewing] Yoohoohoo! Praise Jesus! Praise Mary the Blessed Virgin Mother! Thank you! Thank you God! [runs off] Scene Description: The Marsh house, morning at the breakfast table. Shelly is drinking some milk, Stan is reading a comic book, Sharon is making breakfast. Randy: Good morning, family. The Lord has truly blessed us with another beautiful day. [reaches over and kisses Sharon, then goes to his seat at table] It's just amazing. I haven't had a drink in five days. Praise Christ. Praise him. [looks at his kids] Stan: Praise Christ. Shelly: Praise Christ. Randy: I've got another AA meeting today and guess where it's gonna be, Stan. At Whistlin' Willy's Pizza, so you can come with me. Stan: Naw, Dad, all the guys are going to Kyle's hosue to watch the Bronco game. Kenny and Kyle's Dads were hoping you'd come. Randy: Stan, those people drink. I have new friends now. My AA friends, who have faith in a higher power. Scene Description: Whistlin' Willy's Pizza Gulch, later. Group: Yeah, all right, woohoo! [Randy and Stan sit among Randy's new friends and their kids.] Randy: Boy this lemonade is great! Who knew how fun being sober could be?! Group: Yeah! That's right! Right! Boy: Your dad doesn't drink either? Stan: No, my dad doesn't drink. Boy: Does that mean we're friends? [Stan just looks over at him] Randy: 'Scuse me, I-I'd like to address the group if I may. Michael: Sure Randy, go ahead. Randy: [rises] I'm Randy and I'm an alcoholic. Group: Hi Randy. Randy: But I put my faith in a higher power and... I haven't had a drink for five days now! [the group cheers him on, but behind him another news report pops up] Scene Description: News Report from St. Peter's Church in Bailey. Chris: An update from the bleeding Virgin Mary statue! Randy: [turns around and reacts] Oh wait. Sh sh. Hold on a second, gang. [the group queits down] Chris: Earlier today, the new pope, Pope Benedict the 16th himself, visited the statue here in Bailey to witness the miracle firsthand. [Footage of the pope walking through the crowd. People left and right kneel before him in reverence] It was an amazing sight to behold as Pope Benedict made his way through the throngs of people. Cardinal Mallory: Right this way, Your Holiness. Chris: The pope then examined the statue closely. [the pope draw closer... closer... blinks, gets closer... looks at the camera and raises his eyebrows quickly twice, turns back and gets closer, gets a stream of blood on his face, about as much as Randy got] After witnessing the phenomenon firsthand, the pope then cleaned himself off and then declared that the bleeding Virgin Mary statue is not a miracle! Randy: What? Chris: Having investigated closely, the pope determined that the blood was not coming from the Virgin Mary's ass, but rather, from her vagina. And the pope said quote, "A chick bleeding out her vagina is no miracle. Chicks bleed out their vagina's all the time." [a graphic with those words appears on screen, along with an image of the pope and his name, Pope Benedict XVI] Back to you, Tom. Tom: Thanks, Edward, that's a very shocking report... Randy: That means... I'm not cured. I still have the disease! [throws his mug of lemonade away and heads for the bar] Bartender! I need a drink! Three shots of McAllen, two small bottles of vodka, three bottles of beer and some Jell-O shooters! [getting frantic] Come ON! Let's GO! Michael: Randy, uh what are you doing? Randy: You heard what he said! [gathers his drinks and carries them] The higher power didn't cure me! I'm powerless again! Man 10: I'm, I'm, I'm powerless too! Man 11: Yeah me too! Man 10: Get me seven martinis! Man 12: Jack and Coke! Scene Description: Whistlin' Willy's, outside. Randy staggers out with his drinks. Stan: Dad, Dad, Stop! Randy: [turns around, dropping an empty bottle] I'm sorry, son! I'm off the wagon! Stan: Dad, you don't have to do this! You have the power. You haven't drank since seeing the statue. Randy: But the statue wasn't a miracle! Stan: Yeah. The statue wasn't a miracle, Dad. So that means you did it. That means you didn't have a drink for five days all on your own. Randy: You're right, Stan. If God didn't make me stop drinking then... I did. Maybe... Maybe I can force myself to never drink again. [throws off all his drinks, and they shatter on the pavement.] Stan: No! Randy: No?? Stan: Dad, you like to drink. So have a drink once in a while. Have two. If you devote your whole life to completely avoiding something you like, then that thing still controls your life and, 'n you've never learned any discipline at all. Randy: But, maybe... I'm just the kind of person who needs to have it all or nothing. Stan: Naw. All or nothing is easy. But learning to drink a little bit, responsibly, that'sa disciprine. Disciprine... come from within. [Randy looks at Stan for a moment, then walks up to his side and kneels next to him.] Randy: How did I manage to raise such a smart kid? Stan: I've had a great teacher. Randy: Thanks son. Stan: No not you, my karate teacher. He's really smart. Randy: Oh. Well, tell you what: let's leave the car here, walk home, and watch the game. Like to have another beer or two. Stan: All right! Randy: [lifts up his son and places him on his shoulders] Come on! [they begin to walk] Or maybe I'll have three beers. [they walk off towards the sunset in the street. Their shadows are long on the pavement as the sun blazes on the horizon] Stan: That's probably okay if you spread it out. Randy: Well how about four? Stan: I think you're pushing it. Randy: How about twenty? Stan: That's not disciprine. Randy: Right right. Does vodka count? Stan: Dad!

Scene Description: "Previously on South Park" Daytime. Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny are playing with their toy trucks and cars under a tree in the neighborhood park. The basketball court, slide, and grass are cleared of snow. Stan runs up to them' Stan: You guys, you guys! Chef is going away. [the others look up at him] Kyle: Going away? For how long? Stan: Forever. Scene Description: Cut to the boys in the school kitchen, watching Chef pack up his apron Chef: I'm sorry boys. Scene Description: Cut to Chef in a bookstore Stan: Chef said he's been bored, so he joining a group called the Super Adventure Club. [Chef opens a pamphlet about the club] Chef: Wow! Scene Description: Cut to Chef in Mrs. Garrison's classroom Mrs. Garrison: Chef?? What kind of questions do you think adventuring around the world is gonna answer?! Chef: What's the meaning of life? Why are we here? Mrs. Garrison: I hope you're making the right choice. Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. Cartman crying in front of Butters, in the middle of the living room Cartman: I'm gonna miss him. [Butters walks forward a few steps and puts his hand on the sofa] I'm gonna miss Chef and I...and I don't know how to tell him! [turns his head left and cries into his left arm] Scene Description: Stan and Kyle sit on a log by Stark's Pond watching the sunset Stan: Dude, how are we gonna go on? Chef was our fuh...f-ffriend. [Kyle draws close and hugs him] Scene Description: Cut to a meeting room in City Hall. The room is decorated with balloons and a sign saying "Good Luck, Chef!!" hangs over the town mayor Mayor McDaniels: And we will all miss you, Chef, [Chef watches from a nearby table] but we know you must do what your heart tells you.. Scene Description: Dusk. Chef boards a Super Adventure Club jet. The town is out to see him off at the airport. Jimbo: Bye-bye! Gerald: Good-bye! Mr. Mackey: So long! A Man: So long Chef! A Sign-Holder: Good-bye, Chef! Randy: Good-bye, Chef! Have a good time at the Super Adventure Club! Chef: [waves] Good-bye! [goes into the plane and disappears from the door. The door closes and the plane taxis away. The town waves good-bye to Chef again and Cartman bawls uncontrollably in a high-pitched voice. The plane climbs into the sky].. Scene Description: And now, Part Two of "Life Without Chef" The boys are playing Uno in Stan's house. Their insults to each other are flat now that Chef is gone.' Kyle: Draw two card, fatass. Cartman: [draws two and puts one down] Reverse to you, Jew. [the doorbell rings] Stan: [irritable] I'll get it. [rises and walks over. He opens the door...] Chef: Hello there, children! Stan: He's back! Kyle: Yeah! Cartman: All right! [applause comes out of nowhere. Chef gives them a hug] Kyle: Chef! I can't believe you're back! Chef: Well, it's true. Stan: But are you back for good? Chef: That's right. Scene Description: 'The bar, daytime. Mrs. Garrison bursts through the door with the big news.' Mrs. Garrison: Hey everybody! Chef's back! Patrons: What? All right! Yeah! [they clear the bar to meet Chef] Randy: Oh, finally! [prances away gleefully after the others] Scene Description: 'Jimbo's house, later. Jimbo serves up lemonade. Everyone is laughing at Chef's tales, but they quiet down' Gerald: Wow! It seems like you had a great time with the Super Adventure Club, Chef. They sound like interesting people. Chef: Yeah! Mrs. Garrison: But now that you're back here, does that mean you're not in the Super Adventure Club anymore? Chef: N-No! No. Randy: Ohhh, so have you decided you can still belong to the Super Adventure Club but live here in South Park again? Chef: That's right. Randy: Well, it seems like the Super Adventure Club was just what you needed, Chef. You must be feeling very happy that you found a club to belong to with new friends, but that you can also live here in South Park with all your old friends whom you care for deeply. [catches his breath] Right? Chef: That's right, Randy! [everyone laughs approvingly] Jimbo: Well Chef, you're welcome to stay with me until you buy another house. Chef: Thank you, Jimbo. Randy: Well, come on everybody. I'm sure Chef would like a little time to get moved back in. Chef: That's right! Thank you. Good-bye everybody. Townsfolk: Later. Great to have you back. Bye-bye. See ya Chef. See you later. Bye-bye. Kyle: Well, I- guess we'll see you in school tomorrow, Chef. Chef: You bet! Good-bye, children! [the boys are puzzled at the way he's replying to them. It sounds choppy.] Stan: Right. Uh, see ya. Scene Description: 'Outside Jimbo's house. The boys walk down the steps and move towards the sidewalk' Cartman: Uh, guys? Did Chef seem a little, uh, trippy to you? Stan: [stops. The others stop too. Stan looks up] Well, look. he said he's happier now. Maybe he just needs to rest up a little. Kyle: Yeah. I'm sure whatever that Super Adventure Club does is pretty tiring. Stan: [turns left and cross the street. The others follow] Yeah, but whatever, I'm just glad he's back for good. Kenny: (muffled) Yeah, me too. Scene Description: 'South Park Elementary, lunchtime. The floor is darker now.' A Boy: [at one of the tables] It's really weird what he said, I don't know, it kind of confused me. Cartman: Oh boy oh boy, I can't wait to have Chef's lunch food again. Kyle: Yeah. I hope he makes his Salisbury steak with buttered noodles! [a distraught Clyde walks by and stops.] Clyde: Something's wrong with Chef. He's saying some really weird stuff. Kyle: Like what? Clyde: I think...[glances at his food] I think he wants to have sex with me. Stan: What?? Clyde: I gotta- I gotta go. [turns right and walks off] Kyle: Weirdo. [Fosse moves up and gets his lunch; the boys follow him in] Chef: Hello there, children! The Boys: Hey Chef. Chef: How's it goin'? Kyle: Good. Chef: Well, how about I meet you boys after work and we make love? Cartman: [The boys are stunned] Excuse me? Chef: Come on, children! You're my sexual fantasy. Let's all make sweet love. Kyle: ...Chef?? A-are you ok? Chef: I want to stick my balls inside your rectum, Kyle. Stan: Dude, what are you saying?? Chef: I'm gonna make love to your asshole, children. Stan: ...WHAT?? Scene Description: 'Mr. Mackey's office, later. A detective is walking into the class' Det. Jarvis: Hi kids, I'm Detective Jarvis. I need to ask you all some difficult questions about your school cafeteria chef. Kyle: This doesn't make any sense! Det. Jarvis: We have some information that all this time Chef has been and still is a pedophile. Stan: No he's not. Det. Jarvis: [childish voice] Uh huh. Stan: No he's not. Det. Jarvis: [childish voice] Yeah, yeah he is so. Butters: What's a pedophile? Stan: Now, we need some testimony in order to arrest Chef, [whips out generic plush doll with no features on it] so I'm gonna use this doll to ask you kids a few questions. Did Chef ever touch any of you... here? [points to the genital area] Stan: NO! Det. Jarvis: Ok, did he touch you here? [moves two fingers over the groin] The Class: NO! Det. Jarvis: [sits the doll on his right lap and starts rubbing the doll's nipples] Did he ever do this? How about this? [lifts the doll to his face and wags his tongue over the doll's genital area] Butters: My Uncle Bud did that to me once! [smiles unwittingly] Det. Jarvis: [gets off the desk and walks around] Did Chef ever try one of these on for size? [places the doll face down on the desk and starts humping it] Kyle: Goddammit, Chef isn't like that! Something funny is going on around here! Det. Jarvis: [continues humping] Young man, will you PLEASE pay attention! This is very important stuff! Ohhh. Ohhhhhh. Scene Description: 'South Park Elementary, after school. The kids pour out of the school. The boys come out last, and the doors close. Chef appears before them' Chef: Hello there, children! Kyle: [the boys look at each other] Chef, the police are asking questions about you! Chef: Oh really? Well, let's all go home and make love. Stan: No, Chef, we don't wanna make love to you! Chef: Kenny, how would you like to sodomize my black ass? Kyle: Chef, CHEF! You need to get out of here before you get arrested, all right?! Chef: I specialize in your asshole, Kyle. [turns and walks away] Cartman: ...Man, I can't believe all this time, Chef just wanted us for sex. Kyle: He didn't want us for sex, fatass! Something is making him say those things. Kenny: (muffled) Like what? Kyle: Something must have happened to Chef while he was gone. Maybe he hit his head or, or got stuck in some quantum time vortex. Stan: Well look, he spent the last three months with that adventurers' club. Maybe they know what happened to him. Kenny: (muffled) Yeah! I think... Cartman: Yeah! Kyle: All right, come on guys! Scene Description: 'The Super Adventure Club, day. The club is a rambling house several stories tall, and access to it is just one ragged rope bridge. The entrance to the bridge reads "Super Adventure Club." The boys approach it calmly and walk upon the bridge.' Cartman: Hey you guys, you know what they call a Jewish woman's boobs? Jewbs. [they step off on the other side and approach the front door. Stan reaches over and pulls the rope that rings the house's bell. A black butler opens up] Butler: May I help you? Kyle: Ahh, hi, can we speak to the head guy or something? Butler: Right this way. [the boys enter and the butler leads them] Head Adventurer: Now, the upper rim of Kilimanjaro should be quite a trek, and so we'll need to have a- Butler: Excuse me, sir. These boys wanted to speak with you. Head Adventurer: Ahh yes, splendid! Good afternoon, lads! I'm Head Adventurer William P. Connolly, Esquire! Welcome, to the Super Adventure Club! Club Members: Tally ho! Mr. Connolly: Indeed! Kyle: Uh, hi. Our friend joined your club a while back, and now he wants to molest kids. [the members just look around] Mr. Connolly: What? Well... well yes, of course! That's what the Super Adventure Club does! Marksman: We travel around the world and have sex with children! Marine: Yes, what else would we do? Kyle: Well, we thought you went exploring and like, hunting and stuff! Mr. Connolly: Noo, no, that's the Adventure Club. We're the Super Adventure Club! [turns and approaches a world map from maybe two centuries ago] Next week, we'll be heading to the outer banks of the Amazon, where we will make camp and have sex with children of the Ugani tribe, then it's off to the mighty Himalayas, where we will climb K-2, and molest several Tibetan children on the east summit. Kyle: ...Dude! Mr. Connolly: I know, but it gets even better! From there we will kayak to the fruitful banks of the Mele River in Africa, where the secret and mysterious Hanimi people have children who have never seen a white man's erect penis. Of course, we're always looking for kids to have sex with on the plane rides over to these places, so how would you ALL like to join the Super Adventure Club! Stan: NO!! Mr. Connolly: No? Oh really? Perhaps I should ask you again? [whips out a portable hypnotizer and makes some whistling sound effects] How would you like to join the Super Adventure Club? [more sound effects] Stan: [unnaffected] No! [Mr. Connolly tries harder, even stepping forward...] Kyle: Dude, what are you doing? Mr. Connolly: [looks at his machine] Oh well, it doesn't work on everybody. [hides it behind his back] Well, so long then. Kyle: Just what the hell is that thing?! Mr. Connolly: What? What thing? I don't see anything. Kyle: HA! I knew it! Stan: Knew what? Kyle: The reason Chef has been saying those terrible things about us is because he's been brainwashed! By this - fruity little club! Cartman: Oh, son of a bitch! Scene Description: 'Robert J. Neeland, psychiatry. Chef and the boys are in the waiting room with a woman reading a magazine.' Chef: Come on, Children. Let's all go home and make love. Stan: You need to see a psychiatrist, Chef. It's for your own good. Chef: I just like to make love up your butt. Woman: [turns away] Oh my God! Nurse: [comes out to get the next patient]Mr. Chef, is it? Kyle: All right, come on. [they follow the nurse in] Dr.Neeland: Hello, I'm Dr. Neeland. What can I do for you today? Kyle: Hi, uh- our friend has been brainwashed by some fruity little club. Dr. Neeland: [approaches Chef] Brainwashed? Stan: Yeah, he joined the Super Adventure Club, and they convinced him having sex with children was okay with a little thing that goes whrrrrrr. Dr. Neeland: I thought that club was for hiking and kayaking. Stan: No, that's the Adventure Club. The Super Adventure Club has sex with children. Dr. Neeland: Oh. ...Oh, that's right, yeah. Chef: Doctor, do you have- children? Dr. Neeland: Why, yes, I have two young boys. Chef: Have you all been sodomizing your children too? Dr. Neeland: You say he's never been like this before? Cartman: No, Chef has always been super-cool. Chef: I'm gonna make love to the children. Dr. Neeland: He's pretty brainwashed all right. Worst case I've ever seen. Cartman: So what can we do?? Dr. Neeland: I'm afraid there's no simple answer. When somebody's brainwashed it can take months, even years, to reverse the process. Kyle: But we don't have years! If Chef keeps this up, he's gonna go to jail forever! Dr. Neeland: Tell me, what was Chef's favorite thing to do before it was having sex with children? Stan: Having sex with women. Dr. Neeland: Then that's it. We'd better get your friend to the Peppermint Hippo right away. Scene Description: The Peppermint Hippo. The place is busy with pole dancers doing what they do best and so on. DJ: All right guys. be sure to tip the waitresses; this is two for one; put your hands together, this is Monique! Chef: [a long-haired blonde tries to excite him] Aw, come on, children. Let's go home. Stan: This isn't working. Dr. Neeland: WEll let's...give it some time, kids. [a brunette is keeping him busy]] Blaze: [coarse voice] Would you like to daaance??? Kyle: No thanks. We're trying to unbrainwash our friend. Blaze: [walks away] Daaance??? Anybody wanna daaance??? Cartman: Come on, bitch! Dance! Blonde: Up yours, fatty. Cartman: Bitch, I'll twist your nuts off! DJ: All right guys, help me feel it out to them; we got a featured dancer coming out next; put your hands together for... Spantaneous Bootay! [an immense black stripper walks out, down the runway, and to the stripper pole, stout enough to hold her up. Chef leans his head to the right to get a better look.] Stan: Come on guys, we might as well go. [the boys prepare to leave. The obese stripper can move, though, and Chef is interested. He drops the blonde off and approaches the stage] Chef: God-damn! Stan: Chef, we're leaving. Dr. Neeland: No-no wait. Let him go. [Chef moves closer and stands in awe of Spantaneous Bootay] Spantaneous Bootay: [walks up to Chef] Come here, chubby. [buries his face between her breasts and rattles it with them, then turns around and buries his face between her ass cheeks and rattles it with them as well. She releases him from their hold] Chef: Wait a minute. Stan: He's remembering. Chef: Children! What have I done? Cartman: It's ok Chef, Go on, remember! Chef: I'm goinna- I'm gonna- Kyle: Come on, Chef! You can do it! Chef: I'm gonna make love to you woman, 'gonna lay you down by the fire! The Boys: Yay! Kenny: (muffled) Chef! Chef: Hey children, everybody! I'm back! [a tranquilizer dart flies in on his left side and strikes him under the ear, behind the jaw, and his smile vanishes] Ow. Mr. Connolly: [The Club is there] Great shot, William! Hit him with another. [William, dressed in outback gear, blows another dart out through a tube. This one lands in Chef's left arm] Chef: Oh! [gets groggy quickly and drops like a sack of potatoes] The Boys: Chef! Scene Description: 'Super Adventure Club, a stormy night' Scene Description: Mr. Connolly Stan: Where's Chef?! What have you done with him?! Mr. Connolly: He's safe. [presses a remote control. The main screen comes on and Chef is shown strapped down to a bed while William sits in a chair at its foot] He's fasting in the Deprivation Room and being read the Super Adventure Club manual. We've got to undo the damage you've done. Cartman: Look, If you wanna go around the world molesting kids, that's totally fine. But why do you need Chef?! Mr. Connolly: We don't need him, he needs us! Our club offers hope. Do you think we go around the world molesting children just because it feels really really really really good?! No! Our club has a message! And a secret that explains the mysteries of life! Stan: Oh Jesus, here we go. Mr. Connolly: Very well. I'm now going to tell you the secret of the Super Adventure Club. Stan: We don't wanna hear it. Mr. Connolly: You see, the Super Adventure Club was founded by the greatest explorer of all time, William P. Phinehas! [a gregarious man with an open smile in the picture] Phinehas climbed the highest peaks, tamed the mightiest rivers, [a shot of him climbing up a mountain] but every time he got somewhere, he realized that other explorers had beat him to it. [A shot of Phinehas reaching a summit, only to find two Brits there, celebrating] Phinehas was depressed, until he realized that if he couldn't be the first to discover places, he could be the first to have sex with the native children that inhabited those areas! [Phinehas with some Australian natives] Phinehas quickly went down in history books as the first man to have sex with the Aborigine children at Uluru, and the first explorer to bugger all the underage mountainfolk of Nepal. [a shot of him with those kids] But now the most wonderful part. You see, after having sex with all those children, Phinehas realized that... molesting all those kids... had made him immortal. Stan: Immortal? Mr. Connolly: He discovered that children have things called marlocks in their bodies. [a graphic of kid bodies appears, and bright dots dapple them and move around] And when an adult has sex with a child, the marlocks implode, feeding the adult receptive cavity with energy that causes immortality, so saith the ruler of Bethos. [a blue monster alien with a bright red crown. Next shot, Phinehas in the gondola of a hot-air balloon with several boys] Phinehas traveled the world, loving many, many children, and he lived for eternity. Until he was hit by a train in 1892. [a shot of Phinehas' body on the train's bumper] Kyle: ...Do you realize how retarded that sounds? Mr. Connolly: Is it any more retarded than the idea of God sending his son to die for our sins? Is it any more retarded than Buddha sitting beneath a tree for twenty years? Stan: Yeah, it's way, way more retarded. Mr. Connolly: Well, now that you know our club secrets, it appears you ... leave us no choice. I'm afraid we're going to have to... ask you to leave. [dramatic fanfare] Stan: We're not leaving without Chef. Mr. Connolly: If you choose not to leave, then I'm afraid we're just going to have to ... call security and make you leave. [dramatic fanfare] You'll be let out by security and it will be super-embarrassing and everyone here will see! [laughs more and more sinisterly. Moments later...] Okay, you know how like, when you want people to leave but they won't leave, it's really frustrating? Kyle: We're not going anywhere without Chef. Mr. Connolly: Cool people leave before they've overstayed their welcome. [the boys do not move] You petulant fools! You just had to push it, didn't you? You don't realize who you're dealing with here. Security! [two officers come out and stand behind the boys] Take these boys to the door. Guard 1: All right, come on kids. Kyle: No! Hey! Mr. Connolly: [the lights come on] Haha! Look they're being led by security! Haha! Stan: [to one of the guards] No, you don't understand! They've got our friend in the Deprivation Room! Guard 2: This is their house and they don't want you here. [about to push Stan out the door. Kyle grabs a bat from a nearby jar and whacks the second guard in the back and the first guard on the legs. They both fall. The boys run towards the Deprivation Room] Kyle: Sorry, dude, but this fruity little club isn't taking our friend! Scene Description: ''The Deprivation Room. William reads to Chef William: And sex with Eskimo children requires some special skills. [the boys break the door down] Kyle: Chef, come on! Chef: Childern! William: Get out of here! Cartman: Kenny! Spin Blossom Nut Squash! Kenny: [launches himself into a spinning projectile] (muffled) Yeeeeehah! [smashes William's groin. William doubles over in pain] Stan: [rushes up to Chef] Come on, Chef! Chef: [struggling] I can't...break these locks. [those are solid locks indeed] Kyle: Here! [walks up to the fallen William, gets a small ax from him, walks up to Chef and chops the locks open. They escape the Deprivation Room] Scene Description: 'The club's living room. The boys run through it on the way out.' Cartman: Run Chef! Mr. Connolly: [turns to see what's happening] What the-? Impossible! I made them leave! Kyle: Get outside! [chef and the boys reach the front doors] Mr. Connolly: Stop them! [he leads the adventurers in the charge] Scene Description: 'Outside the club. Chef and the boys run out, heading for the bridge' Chef: Children! Run! [they run to the other end of the bridge] Mr. Connolly: Stop! [his group runs out of the club. Stan and the others reach the other side] Stan: We made it! Mr. Connolly: [calling out] Don't you remember why you left South Park in the first place?? [Chef stops in his tracks] Stan: Chef, come on! Mr. Connolly: You sought adventure! And why do people seek adventure? Because their lives have become dull and empty! Kyle: Yeah, he wanted adventure! Not a bunch of ridiculous bullcrap! Right Chef? [Chef's hesitance shoes a dilemma] Chef? Mr. Connolly: Don't forget all your training, Chef! Stay with us and your life will be GRAND and ETERNAL! Stan: [softly] Chef, we love you. Chef: [his eyes shift back and forth with his thoughts] I'm sorry children. [turns and walks towards the club] Kyle: No! Chef, they've filled your head with lies! Can't you see that?? Chef: Get the hell out of here, children! Mr. Connolly: Yesss. Looks like our fruity little club is safe after all. [a fierce flash of lightning tears the bridge in two, right behind Chef. Fire leaps on him and he screams] NO! [The club end of the bridge smashes into the cliff] The Boys: Chef! [Chef tries to scramble up the bridge, but the fire is too fast and consumes it. He can't climb. The club members approach the edge of the cliff. One of them inadvertently kicks a stone off and it hits Chef, knocking him off the bridge and to his doom below.] Chef: Ack. [He bounces off five jagged rocks before finally...] Ow! Oh! Ah! Oh! Damnit! [...landing on the jagged stub of wood piercing through some rocks, which impales him] Ah- Awww! [blood spreads out under him] Stan: NO! [Chef struggles to get up, but can't move. A mountain lion leaps down into view] Cartman: A mountain lion! [the lion grabs at Chef's right arm, but is having trouble ripping it off] Mr. Connolly: We can't lose another member! Shoot it! [the marksman aims and fires] Chef: Ah! Marksman: All right, this! [fires twice, but the lion remains unaffected and continues pulling at Chef's arm] Kyle: [heartbroken] CHEF! [a huge bear appears] Cartman: A grizzly bear! Scene Description: 'the bear stands on its hind legs and roars at the lion, who lets go of Chef and runs up to the challenge. The lion leaps on the bear, trying to go for the jugular, but the bear grabs it and throws it off. The lion hits a cliff wall and falls onto the ground, dazed, but quickly gets up and sinks its fangs into Chef's head. Chef's face and left eye are ripped off and Chef is left babbling. The lion bites into Chef's right arm again while the bear has a hold of Chef's right foot, and at the same time, bear and lion each take a limb. Chef's legs and hips rip away from his torso, and Chef is effectively dead. The bear and lion walk off in different directions with their meals. The boys stare at Chef's remains in horror] Stan: Oh my God...They killed Chef! Kyle: You bastards. YOU BASTARDS!! Mr. Connolly: Pity. He would have made an excellent child molester. [the men turn and go back to the clubhouse] Cartman: Maybe- maybe he's still okay. [the other boys look at him, dumbfounded] No, really. They say the last thing you do before you die is crap your- Chef: POOOT! [a mean final fart, and a soiled log falls out] Cartman: Oh never mind. Stan: Come on, let's go. Scene Description: 'South Park, a nice, sunny day. Spring is in the air. and a funeral for Chef is set in the town square. A long line of people are paying their respects. Mrs. Garrison steps up to the coffin, and Principal Victoria stands next to her for support. Down in the coffin is a spatula with a red ribbon around it. Kyle steps up to the podium, on which sits a picture of Chef and on the front of which hangs a wreath with the banner "R.I.P. CHEF."' Kyle: We're all here today because Chef has been such an important part of our lives. A lot of us don't agree with the choices Chef has made in the past few days. [Elton John is present] Some of us... feel hurt... and confused that he seemed to turn his back on us. [Stan, Cartman and Kenny look down at their feet] But we can't let the events of the last week take away the memories of how much Chef made us smile. [they perk up a bit] I'm gonna remember Chef as the jolly old guy who always broke into song. [Timmy and Jimmy are sitting together] I'm gonna remember Chef... as the guy who gave us advice to live by. [Terrance and Phillip are present, weeping quietly] So you see, we shouldn't be mad at Chef for leaving us. We should be mad at that little fruity club for scrambling his brains. Randy: Yeah. Mr. Mackey: He's right. [soft applause rises from the crowd] Kyle: And in the end, I know that somewhere out there... there's the good part of Chef... that's still alive in us all. [smiles] Scene Description: 'The SAC house, operating room. The club members have gone down to retrieve Chef and put him on the table. Mr. Connolly and two of his men quickly get to work' Mr. Connolly: Is it working? Is it working? Tech: Yes. We've got a pulse! Mr. Connolly: Get him in the ICU suit! Hurry! [an ICU suit is fitted onto Chef] We have done it! Good! Raise him up! [Chef and the operating table are tilted upright - but this Chef looks like Darth Vader. He has a glowing red spatula in his right hand] Chef, can you hear me? Say something. Darth Chef: Hello there, children. How would you like some Salisbury Steak? Mr. Connolly: Yes, go on. Darth Chef: And for desert, how would you children like to suck on my chocolate salty balls? Mr. Connolly: Oh? You mean like chocolate candy? Darth Chef: No, I mean my balls. Mr. Connolly: Yes, YES! Hahahahahahaaa!

Scene Description: Downtown South Park, day. A hybrid car zips along Main Street. Gerald is driving it, with Kyle and Ike in the back seat and Ike safely tocked into his car seat behind Gerald. He stops in front of the Tweek house. The car has "hybrid" plastered all over it Gerald: Hey there, Richard! Richard: [stops shoveling snow and stands up] Oh, hey Gerald. New car? Gerald: Yeah. It's a hybrid. I just... I just couldn't sit back and- [closes his eyes as if to banish bad thoughts] be a part of destroying the earth anymore. Richard: Well... Good for you. Gerald: Oho... [gives a thumbs up, closes his eyes and says with a slight falsetto] Thanks. [drives off and back into town, where Mr. Stotch and Mrs. Garrison observe him drive by] Stephen: Well, there goes the new high-and-mighty Gerald Broflovski. Mrs. Garrison: Yeah, ever since he got that new hybrid he thinks he's better than everyone else. Scene Description: An intersection. Gerald ends up abreast of an SUV and gets the driver's attention. Gerald: You know, the emissions from a vehicle like yours causes irreparable damage to the ozone. I drive a hybrid; it's much better for the environment. [begins to drive away, with his eyes closed] Thanks. Kyle: Dad, can we go home? All you ever do since you got this car is drive around and show it off! [a quite-satisfied Gerald stops at the next intersection. Another hybrid car pulls up alongside him] Driver: Hey, is that a hybrid? Gerald: Oh yes. You've got one too, I see. Driver: Yeah, I like to be a part of the solution and not part of the problem. Well, anyway, [sticks his thumb up through the passenger window] good for you! Gerald: [sticks up his thumb in return and begins to drive away with his eyes closed] Thanks. Kyle: [firmly] Dad, I think Ike is starving to death. [Ike's eyes are half-closed and he's getting woozy] Gerald: Hold on, boys. We still have to go to the hardware store, and hand out awareness citations to SUV cars in the parking lot. Kyle: What?! Scene Description: True-Value Hardware and Home Improvement. Gerald begins posting citations on cars. He and his boys are wearing orange safety vests. Kyle and Ike are none too pleased about having to do this Gerald: Okay, there's another one. [smiles and looks up after posting a citation on a green car] Aw, man! Look at that! [walks two cars over] Can you believe this?! An SUV with a V8 engine, makes me sick! [begins writing up a citation] "Ticket for driving a gas-guzzler" Kyle: [catches up] Dad, can we go home, please? Gerald: Look, there's a Jeep over there! Go write them a ticket, Kyle! Kyle: But Dad, I want- Gerald: NOW, KYLE! [Kyle's eyelids drop and he goes to write the citation. He and Stan cross paths] Stan: Oh hey Kyle. Kyle: Aw, hey dude. What are you doing here? Stan: Helping my Dad pick out some cool new power tools. What are you doing? Kyle: [his head drops] Helping my Dad give people fake tickets. [Randy reaches his red SUV and notices the citation on his windshield] Randy: What's this? [takes the citation and reads it] Gerald: Oh! Sorry Randy. Looks like you got a ticket. Randy: A ticket? "Failure to care about the environment" Oh Goddammit, did you do this, Gerald?! Gerald: Yeah. I'm just, you know, trying to make people more aware ya' know, it's a- Randy: You got some nerve, you know that?! Where do you come off ticketing people?! Gerald: Well, Randy, calm down. It's not a real ticket. Randy: I know it's not a real ticket!! Jimbo: [approaches] Broflovski, did you put this crap on my windshield?! [Randy crosses his arms] Gerald: Jimbo, your truck probably gets less than ten miles to the gallon. Jimbo: [crumples the ticket into a wad and throws it down] Well thanks, Officer Dickhole! Kyle: Dad, let's just go! Gerald: Look, I'm just trying to make the people of South Park aware of a very serious problem. Randy: The problem, Gerald, is that ever since you got a hybrid car, you've gotten so smug that you love the smell of your own farts! Gerald: Oh! I'm sorry! I didn't think it was "high and mighty" to [closes his eyes] care about the earth! Randy: And that too! Stop talking with your eyes closed! That's what smug people do! Gerald: Well, I really don't see how [closes his eyes] that has anything to do with the- Randy: There, like that! Stop that! Darryl: Who the hell put this faggy fake ticket on my truck! Gerald: All right, that does it! Come on, Kyle, I don't want you hanging around with these ignorant idiots! [they walk away, and Ike bounces along] Scene Description: The Broflovski kitchen, night. Gerald and Sheila chat as Sheila washes dishes Gerald: Yeah. Yeah, I think it's best we just do it right away. Kyle: [walks into the kitchen with Ike] Dad. [his parents turn to face him] Dad, Ike and I have been talking, and well, we feel that your new car is changing you. Gerald: [closes his eyes] Yes, it certainly is. Kyle: We're thinking that a lot of people in town starting too... [rolls his eyes] Ike: Take offense. Kyle: ...a-are starting to take offense at your actions. We feel like you're starting to become-hmm... [rolls his eyes again and cues Ike] Ike: [slowly] Alienated. Kyle: ...star-starting to become alienated from some of your friends. Gerald: Well, I totally agree, Kyle. Kyle: You do?? Gerald: Yes. A lot of people in town just aren't ready to drive hybrid cars. Kyle: Righ! [grins] Okay, good. Gerald: And that's why, [hugs Sheila by the shoulder] I've talked it over with your mother, and [releases the hug] ...we've decided to MOVE! Kyle: What?? Gerald: We need to be where everyone is motivated and progressive like us! Start getting your things packed, boys! The Broflovksi family is moving to San Francisco! [grins. Kyle and Ike look stunned] Scene Description: Stan's room, day. Stan has a book open, but his thoughts are elsewhere. Someone knocks on his door Stan: Yeah? [the door opens and Butters enters] Butters: Uh hay, Stan. Uh you should come on over. Uh they're havin' a goin'-away party for Kyle. Stan: Going away party? What do you mean? Butters: Well don't you know? Kyle's movin' away. Stan: [jumps off his chair and looks at Butters] Moving away?? Kyle can't move away! Butters: Well he is. Stan: Where's the going-away party? Butters: At Cartman's house. Scene Description: Cartman's house. There is indeed a party there, but Kyle isn't visible among the guests. The other fourth-graders are enjoying themselves. A banner above the sofa reads: GOODBYE KYLE Cartman: [walks into the living room with a pitcher and cups of pop] Hey everybody! There's more pop in the refrigerator. Let's make this the best going-away party EVER! [blows into a noisemaker and makes it stick out. Other kids walk up and take cups away] Token: Hey Eric, where's Kyle? Cartman: Who? [smiles innocently] Clyde: Kyle, the person leaving. Cartman: Kyle? Why would I invite Kyle? Craig: Dude, a going-away party is supposed to be for the person who is going away! Stan: [enters the house and the other boys move a bit] Kyle? Kyle! Clyde: Kyle's not here. Cartman didn't invite him. Stan: What?! Cartman: You guys, this is our party. That no-good back-stabbing Jew rat is finally leaving! Come on, everyone! Let's sing! [Stan leaves]'Nanana na! Nanana na! Hey hey hey! Goodbye Kyle! Scene Description: Kyle's house, front lawn, day. His family is almost finished packing everything into the moving van Stan: Kyle! Du-what is going on?! Kyle: My Dad says he can't live here anymore. Stan: Mr. Broflovski, please. Kyle's my best friend. Gerald: I'm sorry, Stan, but unfortunately you live in a small-minded town filled with ignorant boobs. Stan: Well... Maybe they'll change. Gerald: [puts a small box into the trunk] I wouldn't count on it. Come on, boys, get in the car! [Kyle and Ike head towards it] Stan: Nooo! Gerald: [opens the back right door, and the boys climb in] Maybe you can make a difference, Stan. [closes the door] Maybe you can get everyone to drive hybrid cars. Until that day, [walks around to the driver's side] we're just gonna have to be [closes his eyes] with our own kind. [gets in and begins to drive away. Stan steps into the street and watches them go] Stan: I will. I will get everyone to drive hybrid cars! I swear it! Scene Description: San Francisco, day. The city is seen from the north, with the Golden Gate Bridge in the foreground. All around is a brown haze that hangs over the city, but people don't seem to notice it. Another shot has a streetcar go by as San Franciscans go about their day. The third shot is Chinatown, the fourth is the Haight-Ashbury district with hippies everywhere. The last shot is of a row of houses stepping up a hill. The moving van stops in front of one of them. The Broflovskis move into their new home Gerald: Well? What do you think, huh? [the boxes are present, but as yet unpacked] Sheila: Oh Gerald, it's beautiful. Gerald: Yeah. Now THIS, is a house. [some neighbors stop in] Man: Oh hello there, you must be the new neighbors. Gerald: Yes that's right. We're the Broflovskis. Man: Welcome to San Francisco. I'm Peter Thompson. This is my wife, Nancy Jarvis, and our son, Brian Thompson-Jarvis [sucking on something purple] So how do you like the neighborhood? Sheila: Oh it's gorgeous. These old houses are so neat. Peter: Yes, well, unlike most cities, in San Francisco we try to [closes his eyes] keep all the historic houses instead of knocking them down. Man 2: [approaches the front entrance] You in here, Peter? Peter: Oh hay, Paul. Come on in and meet the Broflovskis Paul: Hello there. I'm Paul McDonahue. This is my wife, Paulie Beaumont-McCallahan, and our daughter, Mindy McDonahue-Beaumont-McCallahan Gerald and Sheila: Hello. Paul: We noticed your hybrid out front - that's a V series, right? Gerald: Yeah. That's right. Peter: Whoa, nice car, but we're gonna have to get you into the BT series [closes his eyes] Its emissions are actually cleaner. Gerald: Wow, so, everyone here drives a hybrid, huh? Peter: Oh, of course. We're a little more progressive and ahead of the curve here in San Francisco. [farts, then bends over to take it all in, then stands up again] Ahhhm. [licks his lips to savor every last bit of fart] Anyway, I'm sure you'll find it much better here. Paul: Yes, you'll find that San Francisco is pretty much more open-minded and grown-up than the Midwest. [farts, then bends over to take it all in as if it were oxygen] Ahhh, [sniff] ahh, [sniff] ahh. [stands up] We're just a little bit more protective of our environment here in San Francisco Gerald: Yeah. We sure are. Scene Description: South Park, Stan's house, night. Stan is on his bed working out a new song on his guitar. His door is open Stan: Come on, people. Come on, people now. [Cartman and Butters enter] Cartman: Dude, what are you doing? Stan: I'm writing a song about the importance of hybrid cars, so maybe people will change their ways. Cartman: THAT's gay, heh. Stan: Well if I have any chance of getting Kyle back, I have to get people to stop driving SUVs! Cartman: Why do you want Kyle back?? Don't you see how awesome it is without him? Stan: You know, Cartman, you may be stoked now, but I bet you're gonna find that withuot Kyle around to rip on, your life is empty, and hollow. Cartman: [fears that for a moment, then] Psh! Whatever dude. I don't need Kyle to rip on, I've got Butters. Come on, Butters, you stupid Jew! [walks out] Butters: Yeah! I'm a dumb Jew. [walks out after Cartman. Stan resumes composing] Stan: Come on, people. Come on, people now. Scene Description: KXUV Radio Station. An extreme closeup of the host's booth. DJ: All right, all you dreamers and creamers out there out there in South Park, I'm gonna play a song by a local artist that really made me think about my impact on the earth. This is Stan Marsh with "Hey, People, You've Gotta Drive Hybrids Already". [Stan's intro begins to play] Stan: Come on now, people now people now People now, come on now, people now Got to drive hybrids, people now People now, people now, people now Hybrids are for people now, people now Group of people driving people now Get a hybrid, be good people now. Scene Description: as he sings, the following takes place: FM 1 98.7 shows up, Randy notices his son singing, Jimbo notices his nephew singing, a stranger slumps a little in his car, Principal Victoria notices one of her students singing, other people stop to listen Customer: He's right. [people leave their cars and go to a Toyonda hybrid dealership] Stan: We have all got to be people now People-driving-hybrid people now People now, people now, hybrid now Hybrid-people-driving people now. Come on, people, let's be people now Hybrid-people-driving people now Come on, everybody be people now Scene Description: as he sings, the following takes place: Randy joins the rush of customers checking out hybrids at the dealership, Jimbo drives off in his new red hybrid and pulls up next to the Stotches, who are driving their new hybrid as well. They give each other thumbs up and gloat a bit. Another driver pulls up alongside Randy and gives him a thumbs up. Randy returns the gesture. More people check out the dealership. Mrs.Tucker(Craig's mother) pulls up alongside Jimbo Laura Tucker: Hey Jimbo, you got a hybrid too? Jimbo: Yeah, I just wanted to [closes his eyes] try to set an example, you know? Laura Tucker: Yeah, I guess it's up to us to [closes her eyes] show everyone the way.[opens them] Good for you Jimbo: [cheerfully closes his eyes] Thanks. [drives off] Scene Description: At an intersection Mrs. Garrison: Can you believe some people still don't drive hybrids? [pets her own hybrid] Randy: I know! It's like "Earth to America? Hello? This is simple stuff here. Gawl" Scene Description: Mr. Mackey is parked amid a small crowd Mr. Mackey: Well from now on, I'm only going to associate with other hybrid-car drivers. Everyone else is just ignorant, m'kay? Scene Description: Two drivers going the same direction Driver 1: [eyes closed, thumb up] Good for you! Driver 2: [eyes closed, thumb up] Thanks! Randy: [eyes closed, thumb up] At least we're smart enough to know better! Driver 3: [leans out and looks back, eyes closed, thumb up] Thanks! [the street is now filled with hybrids] Stan: Come on, everybody be people now Scene Description: South Park Town Square, day. The stage is set up for a speech. On the curtains is a banner with a flag over it. The banner reads: WAKE UP AMERICA! Speaker: And so we are here to honor Stan Marsh for making South Park the city with the highest percentage of hybrid owners in the country! [the crowd cheers] Richard: If only the rest of the country [closes his eyes] was as insightful as we are. Stan: [steps up and holds his trophy] Ah, thanks. I was really just trying to make it so my friend can move back here so... if you don't mind, I'm gonna try to get a hold of him now. [steps down and walks off the stage. The crowd cheers] Jimbo: Great speech! Gerald: Yeah, well, you know my son is just [closes his eyes] a little bit more clever than some. An officer: [stops Stan as Stan steps onto solid ground] Hello there, I'm Ranger McFriendly. I'm the person who watches over the delicate ecosystem of South Park. You must be the little boy who wrote that song. Stan: Yeah. Ranger McFriendly: Uhh! [smacks Stan on the left cheek enough to spin his head around] Stan: Ow! Ranger McFriendly: You son of a bitch! Do you have any idea what you've done?! Stan: What?! Ranger McFriendly: Come with me! [walks off. Stan follows] Scene Description: Ranger McFriendly and Stan walk to the top of a hill overlooking the town Ranger McFriendly: There! Look! [a dark brown cloud is showing hovering over the town] Stan: Smog? There's never been smog over South Park before. Ranger McFriendly: Don't you get it?! When people drive hybrid cars, they get so full of themselves they spew tons of self-satisfied garbage into the air! That isn't smog, it's smug! Stan: Smug? Ranger McFriendly: Hybrid cars make better for emission levels, but people who drive hybrid cars are the leading cause of smug. You can have smug in the atmosphere, and you know what that leads to? Glodal laming! Thanks to your gay little song, South Park is now the second smuggiest city in America! Scene Description: South Park breaking news. Awesome graphics Announcer: This is a South Park News Weather Bulletin! Anchor Tom: It looks like we have a smug alert here in South Park. Our own Keenan Williams has the details. Keenan? Keenan: [at the weather desk] Thanks, Tom, a smug alert is in effect at least tomorrow morning. [a map of Denver and surrounding areas] All those hybrid cars on the road have caused heavy smug to develop over most of Park and Jefferson Counties. On the national map, we can see smug over Denver and developing smug in Los Angeles. However, San Francisco is once again the smuggiest city in the country. Scene Description: San Francisco, day. The scenes shown previously are repeated Singer: A smuggy day in San Francisco town. Scene Description: The Broflovski house, housewarming party Paul: Sheila, did you meet Gail and Brian? Sheila: No! Hello, how are you? Gail: Really good, really good. [she farts and quickly bends over to inhale it all] Gerald: Hey there. Alan, right? Alan: Actually, it's Alain Gerald: Right right, w-would, would you like red or white wine? Alan: Can I just get an empty glass? Gerald: Oh. Sure. [hands him an empty glass] Alan: Can you believe all these imbeciles in Texas? They just put another prisoner to death. [puts the glass to his ass and farts into it, then lifts the glass to his nose and inhales deeply] Scene Description: Kyle's room. Brian and Mindy are present with two other kids. All of them are on Ike's side of the room, two of them on Ike's bed, while Kyle and Ike are on Kyle's side, sitting on Kyle's bed. Kyle: [hesitant at first] So... what do you do for fun? Brian: We drink and take drugs. Boy 1: Do you want some acid? Kyle: Oh, no thanks. We don't do that stuff. Boy 2: You will. There's a reason most San Francisco kids take a lot of drugs. Brian: It's the only thing that allows us to deal with our parents all walking around loving the smell of their own farts all the time. Gerald: Everything okay in here, Kyle? Kyle: Yeah, fine, Dad. Gerald: So much better here with the intellectuals, isn't it, boys? [farts, then bends over and inhales his own fart] Wuhh [sniffs, rises and walks away] Mmmm. Kyle: Well... maybe I'll take just half a hit of acid. Ike: I want three. Scene Description: Stan's house, day. Butters and Cartman are playing a video game from Stan's sofa while Stan is on the phone Stan: No, no, I'm asking if there's a listing for Broflovski in San Francisco! They just moved there! Cartman: Haha! Take that, Jew boy! I guess you Heebs can't even play video football! Butters: [giggles] Yeah. You're right. [Cartman stops for a few seconds, then drops his controller] Cartman: You know Butters, you make for a lousy Jew. Butters: Well I'm sorry. Well it's just that I'm not Jewish, and now th- Cartman: No, no! Don't apologize, you asshole! Ranger McFriendly: [barging in] Marsh! Stan: Oh crap, Ranger McFriendly. Cartman: Who? Ranger McFriendly: You'd better come with me to the news station! Our situation just got a lot worse! Scene Description: South Park News station, later. Stan looks over Keenan's shoulder as McFriendly, Cartman and Butters look on Keenan: I noticed it on the computer this morning. Look here. [a satellite map is shown, with a closeup window over it. There's smug everywhere] This is the smug over South Park. It's... getting bigger and gaining strength. Cartman: [clearly doesn't know what's happening] The smug? Keenan: The smug is getting so massive that it's moving west... and fusing with the San Francisco smug... Here. [points to the smug over the California-Nevada border, near Reno] These two smug clouds are combining, fueling each other. [moves his hand over the hurricane-like formation over the Nevada-Utah border] Now take a look at this. [moves his hand towards Southern California. A small cell is moving northward] Stan: What is that? Keenan: It's the smug from George Clooney's acceptance speech at the Academy Awards. Stan: George Clooney's acceptance speech? Keenan: Did you hear it? He talked about how people in Hollywood are ahead of the curve on social mattes. He even took credit for the Civil Rights movement -Look!! The point is... the smug from his acceptance speech has been slowly drifting north since he gave it... and is headed straight for the super cell. The South Park and San Francisco smug is already at critical mass. If it gets hit by George Clooney's acceptance speech, it will be a disaster of epic proportions. The perfect storm... of self-satisfaction. Ranger McFriendly: We've got to tell the townspeople! South Park still has a chance to make it through the storm! Stan: What about San Francisco? Keenan: [with gravity] Kid, thanks to your gay little song, there's not gonna be a San Francisco. Scene Description: South Park Square, day. A town meeting has again been called, this time for storm preparation. Ranger McFriendly is talking Ranger McFriendly: Soo, that's it people. [a different map showing the various smugs is shown, with an arrow going from Clooney's smug to the center of the super cell] When the smug from George Clooney's speech hits the San Francisco and South Park smug, we're gonna witness a storm the likes of which we've never seen. Randy: Are you trying to tell us the smug from our hybrids is actually gonna kill us all? Ranger McFriendly: If the smug clouds remain the way they are, yes. [the crowd grasps, then people begin talking about it] Jimbo: This is all Stan's fault! He wrote that gay little song and got us to drive those damned hybrids! Randy: Yeah. Good going, stupid! Ranger McFriendly: Listen! Though we all agree this is Stan's fault, there is still something we can do. If we all work together to reduce smugness, we might be able to lessen the effects of the storm, at least here in our own town. Stephen: Then that's it. There's only one way to reduce smugness. We've gotta destroy every hybrid car in town! [the crowd responds vigorously to the plan] Jimbo: Everyone get your hybrid and meet at Dawson's! [Stan turns left and walks away] Randy: Hey, where do you think YOU're going?! Stan: [stops and turns to face the crowd] I'm gonna try and warn Kyle to get out of San Francisco. Randy: Oh no you're not! Your gay little song got us to drive hybrids; you're gonna help us get rid of 'em! Ranger McFriendly: How long do we have until the smug clouds collide? Keenan: Not long. The smug from George Clooney's Academy Awards Acceptance Speech has already crossed into Arizona. Scene Description: The Arizona desert, day. The smug is shown floating over a desert road. Dusty and Sons gas station is shown. The smug is quickly approaching the station. Attendant: The hell is that? [The cloud goes over the station. As it goes over, clips of George Clooney's Academy Awards Acceptance Speech issue from within, ending with "Oscar winner, George Clooney, sexiest man alive"] Scene Description: San Francisco, day. Cartman and Butters are at the city limit, having planned to rescue Kyle. Cartman puts on a pressurized suit with a long umbilical cord Butters: Wow, Eric. You sure are a great guy for doing this. Cartman: [puts on the gloves] I don't have a choice. Somebody has to get into San Francisco and warn Kyle's family to get out before the storm hits. Butters: But... how come we can't just take the bus on into the city? Cartman: You don't know San Francisco, Butters. [zips the suit up] It was the breeding ground for the hippie movement in the 60s. Those hard-core liberals, lesbian activists, and die hard modern hippies young and old. [turns around and sighs] I swore I would never set foot in San Francisco. God help me. [reaches down, picks up the helmet, and puts it on, locks it in place, and pressurizes the suit. Communication resumes through the intercom] All right, Butters, I'll be tethered to you through this cord. It's my only lifeline, so make sure it stays taut. If you stop hearing my voice, for the love of Christ, start reeling me in with all your strength. Butters: [adjusts his headset] I will. You're really great for going to warn Kyle, Eric. Cartman: I'm not doin' it for Kyle. [turns around] I can't believe I'm actually going to walk through San Francisco. Well, here it goes. [begins to walk slowly and deliberately into the city] Scene Description: Dawson's Junkyard, day. Hybrid cars are awaiting destruction. The camera focuses on a green one, which is soon lifted away by a massive electromagnet. Inside a small room, Stan mans the controls. Mr. Mackey and Stan's parents look on as Ranger McFriendly guides Stan Ranger McFriendly: All right. All right, now get it into the masher! Hurry up! Stan: Can't somebody else operate this? I can't really reach. Ranger McFriendly: Well then you shouldn't have written that gay little song, shouldn't you have?! [The green hybrid is now over the masher, and Stan releases it. Moments later, a cube of twisted green metal slides out and drops onto the ground] Keenan, we've gotten rid of half the hybrid cars! How are the smug levels?! Keenan: They're dropping, slowly, but... but we're running out of time! Scene Description: San Francisco. Cartman is now in the Haight-Ashbury district. People look and move on Man: Yeah, it's like, San Francisco is more of a European city, like Paris or Milan. Cartman: [checking in] Butters, are you there?! Butters: [making sure the cord is taut] I'm here, Eric. Cartman: I've started to enter the smug. I'm about a quarter mile in. Can you give me an EL? Butters: [now reading a map] You must be nearing Union Square. Did you see a fountain to your left? Cartman: Yes. It's just beyond yet another wine and cheese store. Butters: Wait, uhh, eh take your next right. You've got to start heading west. Cartman: Turning right at O two four niner. [turns right at the corner and continues walking] Scene Description: Dawson's Junkyard, day. Stan is still manning the controls. He drops a red hybrid into the masher, and a cube of twisted red metal slides out and drops onto the ground Randy: That's it. That's that the last one. Ranger McFriendly: Keenan? Keenan, we've smashed the last hybrid! Keenan: Harry, the smug from Clooney's speech is about to hit the other smug system! Get everyone inside! [the townsfolk hear the warning and run around all over the place. Keenan says softly, deeply] God help us. Scene Description: Over northeast Nevada, the speech's smug nears the supercell. From the ground, the smug is seen floating along quickly, reciting Clooney's speech. It runs into the super cell and stops talking. Immediately, lightning envelopes the super cell and spreads to San Francisco and South Park Scene Description: San Francisco, under the Perfect Storm of Self-Satisfaction. Stuff begins to roll down the street on which Kyle lives. Cartman approaches his house Cartman: Butters?! Butters, I think I'm here! 2419 Castillo?! Butters: That's it! Eric, hurry! Somethin's goin' on out here! Scene Description: The Broflovski house. Gerald and Sheila are thoroughly spent from the party, so they don't take notice of the storm outside. Cartman opens the door and the sound of thunder fills the house Cartman: Mr. Broflovski! Mr. Broflovski, there a smug storm! We have to go! Gerald: [Slowly, blissfully] Being smug is a good thing. [farts in his armchair, bends down to inhale it] Cartman: Oh my CHRIST! [runs up to Kyle's room and kicks the door open. Kyle and Ike are as wasted as Gerald and Sheila are. They sit on the floor with their backs against Ike's bed] Kyle? Kyle! Kyle: The acid. Dude, I'm totally tripping balls. Ike: I'm totally tripping balls. I'm totally tripping balls. Cartman: [trying to shake Kyle to his senses] We have to get out of here! Now! [lightning strikes the house, which begins to burn. The lights begin to flicker, and the camera zooms in on Cartman, who continues shaking Kyle] Kyle! Kyle!! [the screen goes black] Scene Description: Fade in to South Park, the morning after. People begin cleaning up. The storm dealt a heavy blow to South Park Network anchor: And now, the worst appears to be over. Last night's smug storm... has left thousands homeless. All across the Midwest, people are picking up the pieces. Cities like Denver and South Park are heavily damaged, but still all right. However, San Francisco, I'm afraid... has disappeared completely up its own asshole. Stan: No... Randy: I'm sorry, Stan. I'm sorry your gay little song killed your friend. Clyde: Hey! Hey, Stan! You're not gonna believe it! You've gotta come see! Stan: What? Clyde: It's a miracle! Scene Description: Downtown South Park, day. The Broflovskis are back in town, safe and sound and glad to see everyone. Everyone marvels at their return. The Marshes arrive. Stan spots Kyle and runs up to him Stan: Kyle! Kyle: Hey Stan. Stan: Dude, what happened?? [grins] Gerald: We don't know. We were all passed out and... next thing we know we just woke up on a bus heading here. Mr. Mackey: It's like you had a guardian angel, m'kay? [Butters looks to Cartman for any reaction. Cartman puts his left index finger to his mouth, indicating that Butters should keep his mouth shut about this] Stan: [gives Kyle a brief hug] Dude, I'm so glad you're not dead. Richard: So I guess there's nothing left to do now but... rebuild. Randy: Yeah. First off, we're all gonna need new cars. Gerald: And let's make sure nobody gets a stupid hybrid, right? [everyone seems to agree and discusses it...] Kyle: NO! Hybrid cars are a good thing! Mr. Mackey: But hybrid cars are the leading cause of smug, m'kay? Kyle: Hybrid cars don't cause smugness, people do. [silent reactions all around] Look, hybrid cars are important. They may even save our planet one day. What you all need to do is just learn to drive hybrids and not be smug about it. Randy: You mean... drive in hybrids... but not act like we're better than everyone else because of it. Kyle: Yeah! Randy: I'm... [puts his hands over his lower belly] I'm not ready... Gerald: I don't think I can do it either. Mr. Mackey: It's simply asking too much. Randy: Perhaps... one day... we can learn to drive hybrids without being smug about it, but for now... the technology is just too much for us. Gerald: Come on, everybody! Let's go buy wasteful gas guzzlers! [everyone likes the idea; they all disperse] Cartman: [walks up to Kyle] Well, looks like you're back for good, huh Kyle? Kyle: Yeah, I guess so. Cartman: We just can't get rid of you, can we, you sneaky Jew rat! Kyle: Don't belittle my people, you fucking fatass! [turns and walks away angry] Cartman: Ah, that's better. [smiles]

Scene Description: Stan's bedroom, night. Sharon is seated on his bed and is reading to him from a book called "The Bubble Gum Prince In The Land Of Chocolate." Stan looks up at her, half-asleep and smiling Sharon: But the Bubble Gum Prince wasn't afraid. He knew that the Land of Chocolate was safe forever and ever. [Stan's eyelids shut themselves and his left arm falls a bit. He's asleep. Sharon rises from the bed and bends down.] Goodnight my little angel. [kisses him on the forehead, turns out the lamp and closes the door on her way out. Moments later, the door flies off its hinges and a frantic Randy runs in with two large plastic water bottles] Randy: STAAAN!! Stan: [awakens and looks around as the lights come on] What?? What?? Randy: Get up! Get your shoes on! Gotta get out of here! MOOVE! [brings the shoes over, but yanks Stan along before Stan has a chance to put them on. As they go down the hall, Randy stops to get a vase and toss the flowers out.] Take this!! [hands the vase to Stan] We've gotta bring all the water we can!! [Shelly opens her door and steps out] Shelly, go get my gun!! Shelly: Whats going on dad? Randy: JUST GET THE GUN!! [runs down the hall and down the stairs. Sharon comes out of the master bedroom running while putting her coat on.] Scene Description: Stan's house, front, night. The family exits. Randy has a sleeping bag Randy: Unh, come on! [the camera switches to a wider view and shows everyone running around with all manner of items in hand. A man carrying a large first-aid kit trips and moans in pain] Man: AWWWGH! Woman: Oh nooo! [Stan sees Kyle in the crowd with his family] Stan: Kyle! What the hell is going on this time?! Kyle: I have no idea! Scene Description: a red car runs into a light pole and its driver flies out through the windshield, ending up either unconscious or dead. A man breaks the display window at Tele's and runs off with a small TV. The community center has its doors open and people run inside it Man: Take cover in the community center again! Scene Description: The community center, inside. People try to find places on which to bed down for the night. A nake redhead runs around aimlessly Jimbo: All right, everyone get in and get a seal on that door! Linda: Oh my God, Stephen, we've left Butters. [moves to find him. Stephen stops her] Stephen: We can't go back out, Linda! It's too late for him! Stan: Dad? [Randy is cutting duct tape into several equal-length strips] Dad, what the hell is going on?! [Randy stands up and faces the boys. Behind him, Mr. Mackey and a man in a raincoat set up a TV] Randy: A cartoon...! A cartoon is about to air on American television with... with the Muslim prophet Mohammad as a character! [Stan and Kyle look at each other and blink] Stan: So? Randy: SO?! Stanley, Mohammad is sacred to the Muslim people. [people around them begin to pay attention] Ever since those cartoons in Denmark, the rules have changed. Nobody shows an image of Mohammad anymore. Gerald: [approaching in his pajamas] Which cartoon is it? What cartoon'll be so insensitive as to have Mohammad as a character? Randy: Who do you think?! The cartoon that's always pushing buttons with their careless toilet humor! Family Guy! Crowd: AWWW! Jimbo: How could Family Guy do that? Sheila: Why would Family Guy so blatantly insult Muslims? Randy: Because Family Guy doesn't care who they insult! They only care about their... precious money! Stan: Oh come on, people. You really think anybody's gonna be that pissed off about a cartoon?? Mr. Mackey: Wu-we've got the TV working! [the picture comes into focus] Scene Description: South Park News 4, Anchor Tom reporting Tom: Once again, a cartoon depicting the Muslim prophet Mohammad is set to air tonight on Family Guy! Sharon: Oh Randy, hold me. [Randy holds her] Tom: The news has already sparked a shockwave of protests throughout the Muslim world. [Live footage is shown - a crowd holds an American flag aloft and someone sets it on fire] All over the Middle East, Muslims are burning American flags and Family Guy posters. Muslim terrorist al-Zawahri made this statement: al-Zawahri: [translated] We are so super pissed off at 'Family Guy'. 'Family Guy' isn't even that funny of a show. A jihad on 'Family Guy', and the 'Family Guy' nation! Linda: So what happens now? Randy: We stay here through the night, wait it out to see if they do anything. If we're still alive in the morning, [dramatic closeup] then we'll know we're not dead. Scene Description: South Park, morning. The sky is red as the sun rises. At the South Park Community Center, Mrs. Garrison opens the doors and looks out. Mrs. Garrison: It's okay! [everyone heads out] Randy: We're alive?? We're alive! [pumps his fists] Jimbo: [listening in on a boombox] Everyone. Everyone, listen. FOX Network censored the image of Mohammad at the last minute. Crowd: Oh thank God. Randy: Well, it looks like we've dodged a bullet. Stan: They censored the image of Mohammad? How? Kyle: I TIVO every episode. We can go to my house and see what they did. Scene Description: Kyle's house, later. Kyle leads the boys to the front door running and opens the door. They all go in Scene Description: Kyle's living room. Kyle gets the TiVo remote and gets to work. Kyle: Okay you guys, check it out. [begins scanning the recorded programming] Cartman: You TiVo every episode of Family Guy? Kyle: Dude, it's a good show. Stan: Yeah, lots of people like Family Guy. Cartman: Yich. [Kyle has reached his target. The Family Guy living room is shown. Peter is in his armchair, the rest of the family is on the sofa] Lois: Peter, I can't believe you invited your old high-school sweetheart over for dinner. Peter: You think that's bad? Remember when I auditioned to be David Hasselhoff's car? [flashback #1] Peter: Hey there, Knight Rider. [Michael Knight climbs onto Peter's shoulders and they're off] Michael: After those bad guys, KITT! [Peter smiles and his teeth glow like KITT's headlights used to] Chris: Yeah, but Dad, why would you invite an ex-girlfriend to dinner? Stewie: Perhaps he wants to make our mother nervous. Peter: Nervous? Like when I had to sell pancakes to the school soccer captain? [flashback #2] Peter: [rings a doorbell. The captain answers, dressed as Capt. Kirk] Pancakes for you, Captain? Soccer Captain: I'll be the Captain, and you'll be Tenille. [rushes away and returns with a wig and pale blue dress for Peter to don. Moments later the captain is at a keyboard on the front lawn playing a Captain and Tenille tune as Peter sings] Peter: Love will keep us together Kyle: Hehaha, heh. Cartman: Yich. Lois: But Peter, I don't wanna cook dinner for your ex-girlfriend. Peter: Well, maybe we can just have tea. Brian: You mean like the time you had tea with Mohammad, the prophet of the Muslim faith? [flashback #3] Peter: Come on, Mohammad, let's get some tea. [Mohammad is covered by a black box with the words "IMAGE CENSORED BY FOX" printed several times from top to bottom inside the box. They stop at a tea stand.] Mr. T: Try my "Mr. T. ...tea." [squints] Peter: Oh boy, was that ever weird. Anyway, I can't believe I invited my old sweetheart to dinner. Huh. Kyle: That's it? That's all they did? Cartman: Oh man, that's not cool! Seriously, that is not cool. Stan: What? What's the big deal? Cartman: What's the big deal? You guys, they just made fun of the religion of an entire group of people. [Stan and Kyle look at each other in silence] What, you guys think that's okay?! Do you care at all about people's feelings?! Kyle: Since when you care about being sensitive to people's religion, Cartman?! Stan: Yeah, you rip on people's religion all the time! Cartman: That's different! I'm just a little boy! That's a cartoon! Millions of people watch it! How would you feel, Kyle, if there was a cartoon on television that made fun of Jews all the time?! Huh?! Kyle: Uhhh... Cartman: I'm telling you guys, it's wrong! It's WRONG!! [turns and heads for the front door, then turns back and aims his index fingers at the other boys] It's wrong! [opens the door, heads out, and closes it behind him. Kyle's parents walk in from the kitchen with their survival gear] Sheila: Kyle? Kyle, what are you watching?! Peter: Hey Brian, this is like the time I got a job as a carrot cake. Sheila: Gaaah! It's Family Guy! Quick, Gerald, do something! [Gerald arrives with a bat and begins bashing the television set to bits] Kyle: Dad, Dad, Jesus Christ! Gerald: [stops once the picture is gone] It's okay... it's dead. Sheila: You boys know you're not supposed to watch that careless show! Kyle: Mom, it was nothing. Mohammad just stood there and then drank some tea. Sheila: You boys don't understand anything! It's obvious that you ALL need Muslim-sensitivity training! Scene Description: Mrs. Garrison's class, day. Class is in session, and Mrs. Garrison is at the board Mrs. Garrison: Welcome to Muslim-Sensitivity Training. It is important for us to understand why the Muslim feel the way they do, and why we can never show an image of Mohammad. Kyle: No, Muslims can't show an image of Mohammad. Mrs. Garrison: Kyle, you're not being very sensitive. Cartman: Yeah, Kyle. Maybe you think this is funny, but the rest of us don't. Mrs. Garrison: Let's all look at why Muslims are upset: [turns and picks up a stick of chalk] First of all, in the Muslim religion, you're not allowed to have what? [no response] Sex. Good. [writes "NO SEX" on the board] There's no sex until marriage in the Muslim world. [faces the class] Now, this would be fine except that in the Muslim religion you also can't... Anybody? [no response] Jack off. [writes "NO JACKING OFF" on the board] Okay, jacking it is strictly forbidden in the Muslim religion. [faces the class] And what do we know about the places Muslims live? They live in? [no response] Good, sand. [writes "SAND" on the board] Now put yourself in the shoes of a Muslim. It's Friday night, but you can't have sex, and you can't jack off. There's sand in your eyes and probably in the crack of your ass, and then some cartoon comes along from a country where people are getting laid, and mocks your prophet. Well you know what? I'd be pretty pissed off too! Cartman: Mrs. Garrison, that is ignorant and racist! Muslims are mad because of Family Guy, not because they can't jack off! Right, Wendy? Wendy: [skeptically] ...yeah. Mr. Mackey: [over the school PA system] Attention students: Proceed to the school gymnasium immediately for an emergency announcement! Stan: The hell's going on now?! Scene Description: The school gym, moments later. The teachers gather behind Mr. Mackey and Principal Victoria as Mr. Mackey gets the TV working. The kids enter and are seated on the floor Principal Victoria: Shh! Quiet, students, quiet! Scene Description: SNN special report. A graphic about "FOX: CENSORED" is over the reporter's left shoulder SNN anchor: Once again, we have just learned that the Family Guy episode featuring Mohammad was only Part 1 of a two-parter! And Part 2 is going to air next week, with Mohammad uncensored! Cartman: What? Mrs. Garrison: Why would they-? SNN anchor: FOX Studios claims that the Family Guy writing staff has demanded the Mohammad character be seen in full view. [a shot of some townsmen watching the news at the bar] The head of FOX had this to say: FOX President: Family Guy is our biggest show. If they insist we don't censor their work, then we we can't. Randy: [angrily leaves his bar stool] FAMILY GUY!!! [throws his Corona bottle down; it shatters] I DAMN YOU TO HELL!!! SNN anchor: Once again, bitter riots have started in the Middle East; this time, even more massive. And terrorist leader al-Zawahri has issued a threat. al-Zawahri: [translated] Seriously, 'Family Guy' isn't even that well written. The jokes are all interchangeable and usually irrelevant to the plot. When this episode airs-our retaliation will be MASSIVE!!!! Mr. Mackey: Retaliation... Oh my God. M'kay? Scene Description: South Park Elementary, afternoon. The kids pour out the front doors Cartman: Goddamned Family Guy! Now they're just provoking people! It's like they want a holy war! Stan: Does this mean we don't have school all week? Cartman: You guys, this is serious! We have to do something! Kenny: (Like what?) Cartman: We have to go to the FOX network in L.A. We have to go and... try to get that episode pulled. You guys with me? Stan: Dude, we can't go anywhere. They've shut down the airports and the buses. Cartman: Then we'll ride our Big Wheels. Stan: To Los Angeles? Cartman: If that's what it takes, yes! We have to talk to the network! The Family Guy writers aren't gonna back down! Kyle: Well good for them. They shouldn't! The writers are standing up and saying they aren't going to be intimidated! Cartman: Intimidated?! Is that what you think this is about, Kyle? Kyle: All right dude, what the hell has gotten into you?! I don't trust for one second that your sudden concern for the Muslim people is real! Cartman: All right, fine, Kyle. Forget the Muslim faith for a minute. People can get hurt. If ten people die because Family Guy just had to have their little joke, will you still think it's funny? [Kyle stifles an answer] What if a hundred people died? Will it be funny then, Kyle? [Kyle's jaw drops] I'm going to Los Angeles. I'm gonna do whatever I can to get that episode pulled before this gets out of hand. Somebody has to speak for the Muslim people. Somebody has to speak for what's right. [walks off] Scene Description: Kyle's room, night. Kyle's asleep when his father bursts into the room Gerald: Kyle! Kyle, wake up! [Sheila and Ike follow him in] We have to go! The terrorists are attacking! Scene Description: Outside. Terrorists run around with rifles scaring everyone else, but the military gives chase Kyle: Dad? Are you sure this time? Gerald: This isn't a joke, Kyle! Bombs have already gone off in six cities! Kyle: No! Sheila: Wait a minute! [looks around and drops her stuff] Where's Ike?! Gerald: [looks around and drops his stuff] He was just here! Ike! Sheila: Ike! [Kyle goes back through the crowd to look for him] Kyle: Ike? Iiike! [sees him] Ike! [Ike is heading for the ice cream shop] Ike: Ice cream. And chocolate. Kyle: Ike! [points left] This way! [a flash of light fills the night, and Kyle shields his eyes from it. A bomb has gone off behind the ice cream shop and the shockwaves spread out, obliterating the row of stores before Ike.] Iiike! [races towards him. Ike is engulfed by the flames, flesh turning to bone] Ike: [hauntingly] Kyyyle! [Kyle's flesh is consumed by the flames] Nooooo! Kyle: [sits upright in his bed and is quite awake now. He catches his breath, then leaves his bed to check on Ike. He opens Ike's door and looks in. Ike is sound asleep under his mobile. Kyle lets out a soft sigh of relief] Scene Description: Cartman's house, next day. He equips his Big Wheels with whatever he can take to keep him going for the trip to Los Angeles. Cheesy Poofs. Socks. Doughnuts... Kyle stops by on his own Big Wheels Cartman: Come to try and stop me?! [...a bigger box of Cheesy Poofs...] It isn't gonna work. [...a can of Dr. Pep-er, a can of lemon-lime soda...] Kyle: I didn't come to stop you. I... I think you're right, Cartman. I want to help you get the Family Guy episode pulled. Cartman: [...Snacky Cakes...] Yeah well, I don't need a partner on this. [...another can of Dr. Pep-er...] Especially one who doesn't trust me. [seals his knapsack shut] Kyle: Look, Cartman, I don't know what's gotten into you, but... I I think it's pretty amazing. And I think it's real. You have to understand why I didn't believe you before. Cartman: [turns around slowly] Yeah. I do understand, Kyle. I've been doing the wrong things for a long time. Doing things for my own selfish reasons. I just wanna do something right, you know? Just this one time. Kyle: It's a long trip, dude. You're gonna need help. We can try and get the episode pulled together. Cartman: You know we might not even make it into the studio. Kyle: I know. But just like you, I feel like I have to try. People can really get hurt, and a joke just isn't worth that. Cartman: So what made you change your mind? Kyle: I got some sound advice... from an old friend. [they smile at each other. Cartman turns and hops onto his Big Wheels] Cartman: Well Kyle, we'd better get going. Kyle: Yeah! [dramatic shots of Cartman getting on his Big Wheels, then of Kyle doing the same] Cartman: Are you set? Kyle: I'm set! Let's do this! Cartman: All right, let's roll! [they ride off, slowly] Scene Description: Town meeting in one of the rooms in City Hall. Everyone is talking all at once Mayor McDaniels: People! People, quiet, please! [the crowd quiets down] We must not panic! Randy: Well what are we gonna do, Mayor?! Part 2 of the Family Guy episode airs in six days! Mayor McDaniels: I believe that Professor Thomas from the University has come up with a solution. Prof. Thomas: [steps up to the podium] Thank you, Mayor. [everyone sits] Now look, everyone, Muslim terrorists and extremists are threatening us for what Family Guy is going to do... because they've wrongly grouped us together. Our only hope is to make the Muslim extremists know... that we had no part in the Mohammad episode. That even though the episode aired, we didn't watch it, we didn't hear it, and we didn't talk about it. Jimbo: So how do we do that? Prof. Thomas: We bury our heads. In sand. [flips a board over to reveal his plan for disavowing any knowledge of the episode] We take twenty to twenty-five dump trucks, fill them with sand from Monarch Lake, and then dump the sand along South Park Avenue. By using approximately eighteen dozen shovels, we can each dig a hole in the sand, stick our heads in the holes, and then have the person to our left bury them. If we can manage to get every person's head buried deep, deep in sand before the Mohammad episode airs, we could avoid looking like we're responsible for any part of this at all. Stephen: No, no, wait a minute, [Mrs. Garrison looks at him] that's ridiculous. [Gerald looks at him] What we need to do is just the opposite. Freedom of speech is at stake here, don't you all see? [makes his way to the board] If anything, we should ALL make cartoons of Mohammad, and show the terrorists and the extremists that we are all united in the belief that every person has a right to say what they want! Look, people, it's... been real easy for us to stand up for free speech lately. For the past few decades we haven't had to risk anything to defend it. But those times are going to come! And one of those times is right now. And if WE... aren't willing to RISK... what we have, then we just believe in free speech, but we don't defend it. [the other people there mull this speech over...] Randy: I like the sand idea. Mr. Mackey: Yeah, me too. Gerald: Yeah. The sand thing sounds a lot simpler. [everyone else agrees] Mayor McDaniels: We're gonna need eight dozen shovels and sixteen tons of sand! Let's move, people! Scene Description: Out in the desert during the day, Cartman and Kyle ride along. Cars pass them by Kyle: We got six days to make it to Los Angeles. If we keep our stops to a minimum, we should be able to get the episode pulled just in time. Cartman: Yes, and in just a few weeks from now, Family Guy will be off the air forever. Kyle: [puzzled] Off the air? But... we're just going to try to get the Mohammad episode pulled. Cartman: It's simple television economics, Kyle. All it takes to kill a show forever is get one episode pulled. If we convince the network to pull this episode for the sake of Muslims, then the Catholics can demand a show they don't like get pulled. And then people with disabilities can demand another show get pulled. And so on and so on, until Family Guy is no more! It's exactly what happened to Laverne & Shirley. Kyle: [races ahead] Whoa whoa wait a minute! [pulls a hand brake so as to block Cartman, then gets off his Big Wheels] This isn't what I signed up for! I like Family Guy. Why do we have to get it off the air forever? Cartman: Because they made f-fun of Muslims, and and that's wrong. Kyle: But that doesn't mean it has to go off the air. You should like that show. Your sense of humor is just like Family Guy. Cartman: [gets off his Big Wheels, his anger sudden and strong, and walks up to Kyle] Don't you EVER, EVER, compare me to Family Guy! You hear me Kyle??!! Compare me to Family Guy again, and so help me I will kill you where you stand! [turns and goes back to his Big Wheels] Kyle: [realizes Cartman's true intent] You unbelievable son of a bitch. You never cared about the Muslim religion. Or the safety of people in America. You just want Family Guy off the air. Cartman: Do you have any idea what it's like?! Everywhere I go, "Hey Cartman, you must like Family Guy, right?" "Hey, your sense of humor reminds me of Family Guy, Cartman." [turns and faces Kyle] I am NOTHING like Family Guy! When I make jokes, they are inherent to a story! Deep, situational and emotional jokes based on what is relevant and has a POINT! Not just one interchangeable joke after another!! Kyle: What are you talking about?! Cartman: YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! Kyle: I can't believe I let you scare me into taking your side. You used fear to make me stop believing in free speech. Cartman: Well... I guess you won't be helping me now. No biggie. I don't NEED you to get the episode pulled! [begins to walk towards his Big Wheels] Kyle: No! [moves to stop Cartman in his tracks] I am NOT letting you go to that television studio and pretend... to care about safety and sensitivity to get a show you don't like off the air! Cartman: Well then Kyle, I guess we- ...Oh my God, is that Tim McGraw? Kyle: [turns around to see] What? [Cartman shoves him to the ground from behind and quickly gets on his Big Wheels, and peels away. Kyle gets up] CARTMAN! [gets on his Big Wheels and gives chase.] Scene Description: The highway. Kyle catches up to Cartman and then tries to run him off the road. Cartman recovers and Kyle tries again. Cartman pulls ahead and Kyle works on one of Cartman's back tires with his big front one. That gets Cartman to fishtail back and forth Cartman: Kyle, stop it! Scene Description: Cartman pulls ahead. Kyle can't catch up. A car goes by, and then Cartman gets an ingenious idea. He crosses the sandy median and continues down the highway the wrong way. Kyle decides to catch up with Cartman, so he crosses the median as well and pops up behind Cartman. Cartman looks over his shoulder at Kyle, then looks ahead, then looks in disbelief as a tanker truck barrels towards them Cartman: Holy Crap! [swerves to the right] Kyle: Ahhh! Scene Description: Kyle swerves to his left. The truck rolls by between them. The two of them line up again and continue riding. They pass a patrol car, which turns on its sirens and follows them. Both bikes and the cruiser fishtail down the highway Trooper: Stay on 'em! [the fishtailing continues, but the patrol car loses control] Jesus, Mary! [the car falls back into the median, flips over backwards, and falls apart. Cartman and Kyle continue on as fast as possible towards the setting sun] Scene Description: South Park, next day. The sand has been brought in and is now being spread out, Mr and Mrs Tucker walk by with their son Craig; Mr Tucker holds a shovel Prof. Thomas: If you have children, be sure to bury their heads in the sand before you bury your own. [the camera pans across as a row of residents already has their heads buried, with snorkels in place for undisturbed breathing. The camera stops at Stan.] Stan: Dad, I don't wanna bury my head in the sand. Randy: It's the best say, Stanley. Did you eat your Fruit Roll-Up? Stan: Yeah. Randy: All right, make sure your snorkel is working. [Stan slips it on] All right, now get your head in the hole. Stan: Dad, this is stupid. Randy: Stanley, there's no time for your immaturity! Do it! [Stan dips his head into the hole and Randy quickly buries it] All right Sharon, now do me. [gives the thumbs-up sign, puts on the snorkel, and dips his head in the hole. Sharon buries his head] Jimbo: [approaches Prof. Thomas with Mrs. Garrison] Uh Professor, we all just thought of somethin'. If everyone has their head buried by the person standing to their left, then who's gonna bury the last person's head? Prof. Thomas: Yes. I'm afraid one person is going to have to be last, and... not have his head in the sand. Farmer: [steps forward through the crowd] I'll do it. Wife: [appears and tries to stop him] Dylan, no! Prof. Thomas: You realize by not burying your head in sand, you'll appear to be a part of the Family Guy audience. Dylan: Yes, I know. Wife: Dylan, please, you can't! Dylan: Somebody has to do it, Sarah. [strokes her hair and face] You run along now and you get your head in the sand. I'll be all right. [she looks at him, then cries uncontrollably into his shoulder. He looks at the professor] You have to understand... I'm all she has. [the other townsfolk look on for a few seconds] Mrs. Garrison: [to Jimbo] Who are those people? Scene Description: The Highway. Cartman and Kyle continue racing towards Los Angeles. Kyle is closing in. Cartman looks back and opens his knapsack, unleashing everything he packed in there. Kyle gamely swerves to avoid it all. Cartman opens the big box of Cheesy Poofs and pours out the contents Kyle: [begins losing control] No! [his Big Wheels go left and he can't brake] AAAAH! [he jumps off as he nears the edge of a cliff] AAAAH! [the Big Wheels goes over the edge and starts bouncing down the side of the cliff. At the first bounce, a rear wheel comes off. At the second bounce, Kyle's knapsack flies off. The rest bounces a few more times until it reaches the ground below, upside down. The Big Wheels explode. Kyle rises and looks down at the wreckage. He nurses an injured right shoulder] Cartman: Hahahaha! So long, Kyle! Kyle: You son of a bitch! I won't let you win! You hear me?! Cartman: [riding into the distance] Suck mah balls, Kyle! [Kyle sobs a little, then pounds his left fist into the sand along the side of the highway] Scene Description: FOX STUDIOS, a heliport. A government helicopter emblazoned with the Presidential seal descends onto the heliport. FOX executives come out to greet the visitors. President Bush and Condoleeza Rice exit the helicopter with two Secret Service agents flanking them President Bush: Are you the network president? FOX President: Yes, Mr. President. President Bush: We need to discuss this Family Guy episode, Mr. President. FOX President: Mr. President, my hands are tied. The Family Guy writers insist I don't censor Mohammad. President Bush: But Mr. President, this is a matter of national security. They must be reasoned with. FOX President: Mr. President, there's something about the Family Guy writing staff I think you should know. [a close-up of Bush looking perplexed.] Scene Description: End sequence. Cartman sneaks out from behind the Family Guy Studios sign with a gun and runs up to the front doors. He enters the writing room... Announcer: Next week on South Park: The race continues. Cartman reaches the Family Guy Studio and learns the shocking secret behind the Family Guy writing staff. Cartman: [...and reaches a slow, undulating glowing light, judging from the reflection coming off him] This... explains everything. Announcer: As an entire nation buries its head in sand... [a city is shown with sand everywhere, with heads buried in the sand, snorkels out] SNN anchor: The idea has swept the nation! But where will we find enough sand for everyone? Announcer: ...and the battle between Good and Evil is finally waged... Cartman: [he and Kyle fight in a burning studio] Kyle, quit it! Stop it, Kyle! Announcer: Will the cartoon be allowed to appear uncensored? Will Family Guy be destroyed??? Will television executives fight for free speech? Or will Comedy Central puss out? Tune in to see Part 2 of Family Guy, next week, on South Park!

Scene Description: "Previously on South Park..." SNN News is on the air... Announcer: Previously on South Park... SNN anchor: The popular cartoon, Family Guy, is going to show the image of Mohammad uncensored! Scene Description: a shot of the town hall, where the town has gathered to listen to emergency plans on dealing with Family Guy Prof. Thomas: If we all bury our heads in sand, [a shot of the townsfolk with their heads in the sand] we can avoid being any part of this. Scene Description: a shot of the four boys in front of the school, before Cartman heads off to L.A. Cartman: I'm gonna do whatever I can... to get that episode pulled before this gets out of hand. Scene Description: a shot of Kyle in the desert when he learns of Cartman's true intentions Kyle: You just want Family Guy off the air... Scene Description: Kyle messes with Cartman's Big Wheels to slow him down. Cartman fishtails. Cartman: Kyle, stop it! Scene Description: A shot of both of them after Kyle loses his Big Wheels Cartman: So long, Kyle! Kyle: You son of a bitch! I won't let you win! Scene Description: A shot of President Bush and of the FOX President FOX President: Mr. President, there's something about the Family Guy writing staff I think you should know. [a close-up of Bush looking perplexed.] Announcer: And now, the thrilling conclusion of... Cartoon Wars... will not be seen tonight! ["Special Presentation"] so that we can bring you this Terrance & Phillip Television Special [tooot! Terrance & Phillip... in... Mystery at the Lazy "J" Ranch. Terrance and Phillip are shown catching a blackhat in action] Scene Description: Lazy "J" Ranch, day. Terrance and Phillip ride their horses Phillip: Say Terrance, isn't it wonderful having a holiday here at the Lazy "J" Ranch? Terrance: It sure is, Phillip. But I do believe this steer I'm riding has the farts. [the horse farts and its tail goes up like a flag. They both laugh.] Phillip: Oh, look who's coming! Isn't that Mohammad, the holy prophet of the Muslim religion? [Mohammad, covered with a "CENSORED BY CBC" box, rides up to them] Mohammad: Hey guys, how's it going? Terrance: Hello Mohammad, we've read all aboat you in the Koran. Mohammad: I'm here to investigate a murder. Scene Description: Canadian Broadcasting Company, day. Terrance and Phillip stands to the opposite of the Network President in his office. Terrance: ALL RIGHT, JUST WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE??!! Phillip: You censored out the image of Mohammad in our television special!! Network President: Ey! You guys know the rules! Nobody can show the image of Mohammad anymore. It's dangerous. Terrance: But you ruined the whole show! Network President: Look, I'm not gonna risk the lives of the people at this network. Let's just forget aboat it, okay guys? [farts and laughs. Terrance and Phillip look hard at him, their arms crossed] Aw, come on guys, give me a break. Phillip: We demand you rerun Mystery at the Lazy "J" Ranch with Mohammad uncensored! Network President: Ey! I run this network, not you guys! And if you ask me, your show has become so preachy and full of messages that you've forgotten how to be funny! NO Mohammad! Terrance: But Family Guy is going to show Mohammad on an episode that airs tonight! Network President: I doubt it! I'll bet that right now, somebody is on their way to FOX Network to demand that that episode be pulled. Scene Description: FOX Studios, day. An entrance to the Studios is shown, with guards at heightened secuity. Cartman rides right into the studios with no one noticing him. Cartman enters the main building and approaches a receptionist Cartman: Ma'am, I need to speak to the president of this network right away. Receptionist: What is it regarding? Cartman: It's regarding Family Guy. I demand that the Mohammad episode be pulled before it airs tonight! It's incendiary, it's offensive to Muslims, and people can get hurt! It's wrong! It's WROOONG! Receptionist: O...kay, but if you've got a problem with Family Guy, you'll have to wait in line. [points to her right. Cartman looks over and then back at the receptionist] That little boy over there has an appointment to try and get Family Guy off the air altogether. [Cartman walks over and sees Bart Simpson seated in a chair, his skateboard leaning on it] Cartman: Dude, can I go before you? Bart: Eat my shorts! Scene Description: The highway, dawn. Kyle, still nursing his shoulder, arrives at a truck stop and his eyes open wide Kyle: What the hell is going on? [everyone there has his or her head buried in sand. Kyle walks among them] Hello? [stops next to someone in a red sweater] Excuse me, I need to get to Los Angeles. [tugs at the pants. The person waves. Kyle looks around and goes into the diner] Hello?! [a TV in the store is tuned to SNN] SNN anchor: ...starting in a small town in central Colorado. The idea has now spread all over America. [a helicopter shot of buried heads everywhere] Muslims continue to riot in the Middle East, demanding that Family Guy not air tonight's episode. [more live footage is shown. Kyle gets close to the TV] Amd Muslim terrorists continue to make threats. Al-Zawahri: [translated text reads] "Family Guy" better not show Mohammad tonight. I'm serious. "Family Guy" isn't funny. SNN anchor: Osama bin Laden had this to say: Osama bin Laden: [translated text reads] If you look closely at the writing in "Family Guy", you will see that the jokes never derive from the plot, and I think that's totally gay. SNN anchor: Bin Laden went on to say that if Family Guy shows the image of Mohammad as planned, the terrorist retaliation will be immediate. [a rifle appears next to him and a hand cocks it] Trucker: [with rifle trained on Kyle] You one of them? Kyle: Who? Trucker: How come your head ain't in the sand? [Kyle is confused] Scene Description: FOX Studios. Cartman is seated two chairs away from Bart. Muzak is playing in the background Cartman: So... you don't like Family Guy either, huh? Bart: I hate Family Guy. Cartman: So what's your plan? You're gonna ask the president of the network nicely to take it off the air? Bart: Not nicely. Cartman: Look, kid, if you hate a TV show, all you have to do is get an episode pulled. Pretty soon the show is compromised and it goes off the air. Bart: Cool, man. Cartman: Yes. So my plan is to use this whole Mohammad thing as a way to scare the network into pulling tonight's show. I'm going to use fear to get them to do what I want. Bart: Isn't that like, terrorism? Cartman: ...No, it isn't like terrorism. It IS terrorism. Bart: I could do that. Cartman: This is manipulation at its highest lever; you should let me handle this. Bart: I'm a pretty bad kid. Cartman: Really? What's the worst thing you've ever done? Bart: I stole the head off a statue once. Cartman: Wow, that's pretty hardcore. Geez. That's like this one time, when I didn't like a kid, so I ground his parents up into chili and fed it to him. Bart: [compares the two acts in his mind...] You got it, man. You got it. [hops onto his skateboard and skates off] Cartman: Seeya. Scene Description: The White House, day. President Bush is addressing the White House press corps in the press room President Bush: I want to assure the American people that as President, I have exhausted every possible solution. Unfortunately, Mohammad will appear uncensored on Family Guy tonight at seven. Reporters: [clamoring] Mr. President! Reporter 1: [rises] Mr. President, can't the writers of the show be reasoned with? Don't they know they're putting the country in danger? [sits] President Bush: I have come to... understand something about the Family Guy writing staff. Suffice it to say that they will not be persuaded by the possibility of violence. Reporters: [clamoring] Mr. President! Reporter 1: [same one as before] What exactly did you learn about the Family Guy writing staff, Mr. President? President Bush: [thinks a moment, then leans into the mic and says in a low voice] I'm afraid that information is classified. Reporters: [in unison] AWWW!!! [then clamoring] Mr. President! TCO reporter: [rises] Mr. President, can't you force the Family Guy writing staff not to write anything about Mohammad? [sits] LSX reporter: [rises] Couldn't you throw them in prison? [sits] President Bush: Look! The fact of the matter is the Family Guy writing staff is protected by something called the First Amendment! Reporter 2: And what exactly is this First Amendment, Mr. President? President Bush: [beat] Uh you know, the right to free speech. Reporters: [in unison] AWWW!!! [they begin to fight furiously and clamor amongst themselves] Reporter 3: [rises] Mr. President, when your administration came up with this "First Amendment," did it not foresee a problem like this might happen? [sits] President Bush: [beat] Well... We didn't come up with the First Amendment. It was already in place. TCO reporter: [rises] What do you intend to do about this "First Amendment," Mr. President? [sits] Reporter 4: [rises] Forgive me, Mr. President, but this "First Amendment" sounds like a lot of bureaucratic jibbery-joob? [sits] Reporters: Yeah! Reporter 5: That's right! Scene Description: FOX Studios, day, the President's office. The FOX President is discussing schedules with the department staff FOX President: Okay, let's discuss the fall lineup. Receptionist 2: [enters] Sir, there's still one little boy out here who wants to speak with you about pulling the Family Guy episode FOX President: All right, let's get this over with. [Cartman enters the room leaning on a crutch] Cartman: [removes his cap] Hello, gentlemen, ladies. My name is little Danny Pocket. And I won't take much of your time. Please excuse my tiny crutch; it's the only way I can get around these days. Ow... Staff: Oh, poor kid. Cartman: You see, my father worked for a newspaper in my native country of Denmark. His newspaper showed an image of Mohammad and, two days later, terrorists suicides bombed his building. I was in the lobby when it happened. [shocked looks on the faces of the staff] First one terrorist suicide bombed us and, then dozens more. They just kept coming. Suicide bombers running in the building and blowing up one after another! They were like Mexican jumping beans. I just don't wanna see people here at your studio getting hurt, because... that would be, of course, your responsibility. [coughs] Ow.. FOX President: I feel terrible. It's so east to put terrorism out of mind until one of its victims is staring you in the face. Staffer: Sir, if we pull the episode, the Family Guy writing staff will refuse to work again. FOX President: Little boy, will you talk to the Family Guy writing staff? If your story touches their hearts like it has ours, perhaps they'll back down from demanding we air the episode. Cartman: I'll certainly do my best. [coughs] Ow. FOX President: Take this noble child over to the Family Guy offices. If he can scare them like he has us, maybe we can pull the Mohammad episode after all. Cartman: [turns and walks out, and says softly with an evil smile] Yes, and then Family Guy is as good as dead. FOX President: What was that? Cartman: [stops and turns] I I said "thank you." Thank you for listening. [walks out again] Scene Description: FOX Studios, outside. A truck pulls up to the curb and the passenger door opens. Kyle steps out of the truck and closes the door Kyle: Thanks a lot for the ride. Trucker: Ey, it's the least I could do. I hope you succeed, kid. I really don't wanna see Family Guy go off the air. I love that show! Kyle: I'll do everything I can. Trucker: I mean, I know it's just joke after joke, but I like that. At least it doesn't get all preachy and up its own ass with messages, you know? [drives off] Scene Description: FOX Studios, exterior studio wall. Bart is writing "I HATE FAMILY GUY" repeatedly on the wall, much as he'd do in the opening credits of The Simpsons. His skateboard is leaning on the wall Kyle: [noticing Bart writing, but doesn't see the actual text] Excuse me. [Bart stops writing and approaches Kyle] Do you know which way the network president's office is? Bart: Who wants to know?! Kyle: Look, my fat bastard friend is trying to trick the network into getting Family Guy off the air. Bart: [eyes narrowing] The network president's office is in there! [points to his right, to a small red building labeled "154 c"] Kyle: Oh thanks, dude. Bart: No problem, man. [smiles, knowing Kyle isn't going to the right building] Scene Description: A storage room. This is the building Bart pointed to. Kyle opens the door and enters Kyle: [looks around] Hello? This can't be right, I- [Bart whacks him from behind with a skateboard, and he falls forward] Ow! Bart: Cowabunga, motherfucker! Scene Description: The Family Guy offices. The receptionist shows Cartman in Receptionist 2: [behind a desk] Hello Mitchell. Mitchell: Oh hi, Miss Travis. Miss Travis: The president has asked that little Danny Pocket here speak with the Family Guy writing staff. Mitchell: [rises and walks forth] Are you... sure? They're working on a new episode right now. Cartman: It won't take long, sir. [coughs with more energy] Ow... Mitchell: All right, I'll take him back. Follow me, little Danny. [walks back to the writing area. Cartman follows.] You must be excited. Not many people get to meet our writing staff. Cartman: [removes his cap] Yes, I'm totally excited. Family Guy is so funny. Scene Description: The Family Guy writing room. Mitchell and Cartman enter and walk by the cubicles Mitchell: Well, here we are. Danny, the Family Guy writing staff. Cartman: [stops and stares] Wha? [before him is a wall tank the height of the writing room. Manatees are swimming slowly within, and a huge pile of plastic balls sits at one end of the tank. Some of them are snacking on snall fish] What are they? Mitchell: They're manatees. [gray manatees] Gretchen and Flubber are from the Gulf of Mexico. Tinker, Pete and Lucy are from the Caribbean Sea. Cartman: Family Guy is written by manatees? [rethinks] Of course, it all makes sense now. Mitchell: They really are brilliant creatures. [the camera focuses on the ball pile] You see, the right side of the tank is filled with idea balls. [the camera zooms in and pans across] Each ball has a verb, noun, or pop culture reference written on it. There's millions of them. [A manatee swims to the left side of the tank balancing a ball on its nose] The manatees choose an idea ball and swim it over to the joke combine on the other side of the tank. [another manatee swims into the pile] Uh there goes Gretchen! She's comin' up with an idea. Oh, she came up with Gary Coleman. [another manatee reaches the combine and drops a ball in] The idea balls drop into the joke combine and form part of the new script. [the ball reads "Mexico" as it goes down the pipe into the sorter] Laundry Date Winning Mexico Gary Coleman. A perfect Family Guy joke! I can see it now! Scene Description: The imagined joke Lois: Peter, you didn't do the laundry today. Peter: You think that's bad? Remember the time I won a date to Mexico with Gary Coleman? Scene Description: Pedro's, somewhere in Mexi Waiter: ¿Qué pasa, señores? Gary Coleman: Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis? Scene Description: Back to the Family Guy offices Cartman: Waitwaitaminute waitaminute. These... manatees demanded that Mohammad be shown? How? Manatees don't talk! Mitchell: When FOX censored the image of Mohammad last week, it also meant that the Mohammad ball had to come out of the idea tank. It made the manatees very upset. Pull just one idea ball out of the idea tank, and the manatees stop working. He-here, I'll show you. [looks up] Keith? [Keith, seated at the top of the tank, reaches in and pulls out a green RIVERDANCE ball. The manatees stop in their tracks and slowly drop down as the balls they're carrying slip away from them] All right all right, put it back in! [Keith drops it back in. The manatees respond quickly and resume work] Manatees are very ethical writers. Either everything's okay to write about, or nothing is. Anyway, the president of the network wanted you to ...speak with the manatees. Cartman: Oh... yes, yes. Um [clears his throat and talks to the tank] hello, manatees. I, I think you should allow the network to pull your episode with Mohammad. See, I'm the victim of a, a terrorist attack and... terrorists might come after you if you- Mitchell: That isn't gonna work on them. Cartman: Why not? Mitchell: Don't you know anything about manatees? They're the only mammals that are completely unmoved by terrorst threats. Cartman: [softly] Son of a bitch. Scene Description: The storage room. Kyle is now dangling from the ceiling, enveloped in a rope trap. He struggles to get out Kyle: [calling to Bart] Let me out of here, kid! Why are you doing this? Cartman: [voice] Well well well! [now shown walking up to Bart, who's keeping watch while leaning on his skateboard. Cartman has a mean air of satisfaction on him] Kyle: Cartman! Cartman: Hello, Kyle. Looks like you've run into a little snag in your plan as well. Kyle: You fat sun of a bitch! Cartman: You came so close to stopping me, didn't you, Kyle. There was just one thing you didn't count on: that more people besides me hate Family Guy. Bart: Yeah. Kyle: Well, a lot of people like Family Guy too! Who are you to decide it shouldn't be on the air?! Bart: Shut up! [points to Kyle] You shut your fucking face, man! [to Cartman] Did it work? Did you scare the network into pulling the episode? Cartman: Not yet! But I've come up with a new plan. I've learned how to make the Family Guy writing staff stop working! As soon as everyone goes on their lunch break, I can sneak back in. Bart: Cool man! Kyle: Cartman, let me out of this stupid net!! Cartman: Good, Kyle! That's good anger you're showin' there! See that?! That's emotional character development based on what's happening in the storyline! Not at all like Family Guy. Now, if you'll excuse me, Kyle, [turns and walks away] I've got some idea balls to remove from a manatee tank. Kyle: WHAT?! Scene Description: Family Guy offices, later. The FOX President looks at the manatee tank along with the rest of the staff FOX President: I don't understand it. What's wrong with them? [the manatees are floating aimlessly] Mitchell: We don't know, Mr. President. They just stopped working. FOX President: [concerned] But, nobody took any idea balls out of the tank, did they? Mitchell: No sir, none of us did. [Cartman smiles and looks around at the results of his handiwork] FOX President: Then why are they refusing to write? I agreed to show Mohammad uncensored! I did what you asked! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME??!! Cartman: [hobbles up to him] Sir! Sir! [faces him] If you don't my saying, I think you asked for this. You gave in to the manatees last week. Now they know all they have to do is refuse to work and they can get whatever they want. You spoiled them by caving in. Now they thnk they can walk all over you. [they both turn to face the tank] Sir, you are in charge of this network, not them. Maybe it's time you showed them who's in charge. FOX President: You're right. It's time I stop letting these primadonna manatees tell me what to do! I'm pulling the Mohammad episode, you got that?! And if you all don't want to work tomorrow, you can just find other jobs!! [faces the staff] How long before Family Guy's supposed to air?! Executive: Twenty-five minutes. FOX President: I gotta hurry! [rushes off] Cartman: I did it. I... AM... GOD!!! Scene Description: FOX Studios, outside. Cartman has left the offices and dances down a street Cartman: Family Guy is going off the air! No more Family Guy for me, mon frère! Kyle: [appears in the shadows] Cartmaaaan!!! [Cartman stops in his tracks] You fucking fatass! Cartman: How the hell did you get out? Kyle: That kid and I had a long talk! I told him he was on a slippery slope to becoming a monster like you! Cartman: Aw, God damnit, you gave him one of your gay little speeches, didn't you?! Kyle: [seething in anger] You are not. Killing. Family Guy! Cartman: You're too late, Kyle! The president of the network is pulling the episode! Family Guy is as good as dead! Kyle: [checks his watch] There's still time to tell the network president you're full of crap!! [runs off] Cartman: [runs ahead and cuts him off] I can't let you do that! Kyle: Get out of my way or I'll kick your ass! Cartman: [takes off his mittens] Fine, Kyle. I guess it was inevitable. [Kyle removes his left mitten with his teeth and spits it away] Let this be our final battle. [they put on their battle faces and begin fighting, which is shown dispassionately. It's all a long series of slaps] Ow. OW! Stop it! Kyle, that's too hard! Ah! [they begin to move along a sidewalk] Ugh. Kyle! Stop it! Kyle: Ow. Quit it! Cartman: Ow. Quit it, Kyle! Bleh. Kyle! [throws him up against a wall. They slap each other some more and Kyle throws Cartman up against the wall. Some more fighting and Cartman throws Kyle up against a window, but they both crash through it into the King of the Hill offices.] Scene Description: King of the Hill offices. The boys continue fighting through the offices, Kyle having the upper hand Cartman: Stop it! Kyle: Ow. Quit it! Cartman: Ow. Quit it, Kyle! Leh- Kyle! Let go- Okay okay come on, time out. Kyle, time out! Time out! Time out. [Kyle stops his attack and a few seconds of silence follow. Then] Time in! [slaps Kyle hard. Kyle waits for a writer to stop staring, then resumes his attack] I d-ow! Uh. Ah. Sh-gah. Okay. Okay. Time out! Kyle t-time out! Time out! Time out! Time out! Time out! Kyle: No more timeouts, fatass! Cartman: Time out! Time out! Time out, Kyle! Ay! Ay! Scene Description: King of the Hill offices, outside at the other end. The doors fly open and the boys fall out, get up, and resume their fighting. They are getting tired though. Cartman: Kyle! Kyle! Get the... Get the- Kyle! Kyle, dude, that was- that was in the balls! Dude, serious- seriously! That was in the balls! No hitting- No hitting in the balls! [throws Kyle off, but they resume fighting] Kyle! [Kyle finally gets Cartman in a reverse headlock. A few seconds later, he begins punching Cartman on the ribs] Quit it, Kyle. Give it up, Kyle! [gets out of the headlock, but the fighting resumes] Okay... Okay! Okay okay! [the fighting stops, and they're both panting] You win! You win. I give up. [kicks Kyle square in the nuts. Kyle doubles over in pain, coughing, and Cartman grins] Hahaha! I had my fingers crossed. [Kyle is still immobile, but a skateboard whacks Cartman from behind. Cartman falls over and Bart is there] Kyle: [coughs] Thanks, kid. Scene Description: The Office of the FOX President. He is on the phone FOX President: Network Control! This is the President! I want you to pull the episode. Woman: [whispers] What? [in normal tone] Mr. President, are you sure? [the other programmers look at her] FOX President: I'm sure. Begin episode jettison sequence 0 2 900. [two programmers raise their access keys and insert them into corresponding locks in their desks, then turn the keys. Between their desks is a big red "PULL EPISODE" button. Its lid pops up and it begins flashing] Computer Voice: Abort System initiated. Programmer 1: Awaiting confirmation. Woman: Mr. President, we need your final approval code. FOX President: President approval code [Kyle runs past the office, but notices and comes back] 0-0-destruct- Kyle: [runs in and interrupts] Sir! Mister television executive! Stop! FOX President: Who are you? Kyle: Listen to me: the little boy who convinced you to pull the episode is a bastard child. He only wants you to pull it because he knows it will be the end of Family Guy forever! FOX President: The end of Family Guy? Woman: Mr. President, we need final authorization! FOX President: Hold on, Julie! [covers the transmitter] What are you talking about, kid? Kyle: Pulling an episode because someone is offended starts a chain reaction. You'll have to pull more and more episodes until the show goes off the air completely. It's what happened to Laverne & Shirley. FOX President: You mean... the manatees aren't trying to run the network? Kyle: What manatees??!! [a fist knocks him away and Cartman steps in] Cartman: Go ahead, Mr. President! Continue what you were doing! Kyle: [quickly rises] No! You have to show Mohammad, Mr. President! Woman: Mr. President, we're awaiting your orders! Kyle: Sir, just think about what you're doing to free speech! Cartman: No! Think about the people who could get hurt! FOX President: Ah... I don't know who to listen to! Cartman: Okay, I'll make it easy for you. [pulls out a gun and aims it at the president] Pull the Mohammad episode, now! FOX President: Okay, I'll listen to you. [gets back to the phone] Julie? Kyle: Noo! Wait! You can't listen to him! He's a lying deceitful monster who only wants Family Guy off the air! FOX President: But he has a gun. Kyle: You can't do what he wants just because he's the one threatening you with violence! Cartman: Shut up, Kyle! FOX President: I can't be responsible for people getting hurt. Especially me. Kyle: Yes, people can get hurt. That's how terrorism works. But if you give into that, Doug, you're allowing terrorism to work. Do the right thing here. Cartman: Give the orders to pull the episode, Mr. President! FOX President: I shouldn't even be in the office still. It's supposed to be half-day Friday. Woman: Mr. President, thirty seconds to airtime. What do you want us to do?! Kyle: Do the right thing, Mr. President. FOX President: How about I allow the episode to air but, just censor out the image of Mohammad again. Kyle: I wish that was good enough, but if you censor out Mohammad, then soon you'll have to censor out more. Cartman: No gay speeches, Kyle! Kyle: If you don't show Mohammad, then you've made a distinction what is okay to poke fun at, and what isn't. Either it's all okay, or none of it is. Woman: Five seconds, Mr. President! [the programmer J. Walker has his finger hovering on the button] Kyle: [softly] Do the right thing. Show Mohammad. [Cartman still has his gun on the president] Do. The right. Thing. Woman: Mr. President, we need a decision now! FOX President: Family Guy goes on air as planned. Uncensored. Kyle: Yes! [dances] Cartman: No! No, I hate Family Guy!! [tries to fire the gun, but it seems to be empty. No bullets come out. He throws it down.] Woman: Air it! [a different programmer gives his thumbs up and then turns to press the "AIR EPISODE" button. The credits come up and the self-destruct programmers remove their keys and sigh in relief. The "PULL EPISODE" lid comes down] Scene Description: The episode Lois: Peter! You got a pink slip at work? Peter: You think that's bad? Remember the time I got a salmon helmet from Mohammad while wearing a toga? Scene Description: The flashback. The doorbell rings Peter: [dressed in a toga, answers the door] Coming Mohammad. [opens the door. A salmon helmet appears and he reaches out to grab it] Scene Description: In this shot, Mohammad hands a football helmet to Family Guy. Scene Description: Comedy Central has refused to broadcast an image of Mohammad on their network. Peter: Wow, a salmon helmet! Thanks! [closes the door and goes back to the sofa] Scene Description: back to the episode Peter: Anyway, what were we talking about? Scene Description: The White House. President Bush and his staff watch the episode. Peter: Oh yeah, my pink slip. President Bush: Hey, that wasn't bad at all. They just showed Mohammad standin' there, lookin' normal. An Official: Mr. President, the terrorists are retaliating! President Bush: What?! Peter: Or the time I- [click. SNN shows up onscreen] SNN anchor: As soon as the image of Mohammad appeared, terrorist leader al-Zawahri announced the retaliation! Al-Zawahri: [translated] We warned you not to show Mohammad- But "Family Guy" did it anyways. So now, here is our retaliation on America!!! Scene Description: Osama bin Laden & al-Zawahri present an Al Qaeda Films Production Scene Description: three houses appear against a backdrop of skyscrapers. Each house has a dollar sign on its roof, indicating the wealth of the West American male 1: [walks in] Hello, I am American. American male 2: [walks in] I'm American too. American male 1: We like to crap own each other. [the men take turns crapping on each other] President Bush: [walks in] Hello, I am the President Bush. I will crap on both of you. [craps on both of them] American male 2: Ugh! We love to crap! American Female: [walks in] I'm American. I'm pregnant with a baby, but I'm not married. American male 3: [walks in] Let's crap. [all five of them begin crapping on each other and Jesus enters the picture] Jesus: Look at me! I'm Jesus! Would you like me to crap on you, Mr. Bush? [craps on Bush. More Americans walk in and start crapping] All: Mmm, yummy yummy crap. [more people crap, and an American flag appears under them, being crapped on] Scene Description: THE END Scene Description: ? Al-Zawahri: Oh yeah, take THAT! We burned you! THAT WAS WAY FUNNIER THAN FAMILY GUY.

Scene Description: P.F Chang's China Bistro, night. A waiter arrives at a table Waiter: Hi, welcome to P.F Chang's. How spicy would you like me to make your Chang sauce? Head waiter: Chris, the people at Table 3 need their check. Chris: [whispers] I know. I'm swamped. I've got no help here! Head waiter: Well what about the new waiter? Chris: The new waiter is useless. And, I think he's high. Towelie: [at another table, mixing sauce...] How spicy would you like your Chang sauce? Male diner: Will you just place our order, please? Towelie: Oh man, I have no idea what's goin' on. Head waiter: Everything okay here? Male diner: Fine, except this towel has been mixing Chang sauce for fifteen minutes. He's clueless! Towelie: Don't call me shoeless! You're shoeless! Male diner: Yeah? Well you're a towel! Towelie: You're a towel! Head waiter: All right, that's it! Get out of here! You're fired! Towelie: Yeah! Head waiter: Not him, you! Towelie: Awww. Scene Description: The sidewalk outside P.F. Chang's. Towelie walks towards the camera, dejected Towelie: Aw man, I really screwed up this time. The rent's due at the end of the month, and I don't have any money. I need to shape up and find a new job, quick. [stops] But first, maybe I'll get a little high. [pulls out a lighter and joint, and lights up. His eyes change color from white to pink] Wait. Here it goes. Good ideas comin'. Yeah. Hey yeah! I should become a writer! If I just write a book about my life, I can get it published and then make plenty of money to pay rent. Scene Description: Towelie, at home, night. He gets to work at an old typewriter: he puts a paper in and rolls it into place. Waiter: Hi, welcome to P.F Chang's. How spicy would you like me to make your Chang sauce? Head waiter: Chris, the people at Table 3 need their check. Chris: [whispers] I know. I'm swamped. I've got no help here! Head waiter: Well what about the new waiter? Chris: The new waiter is useless. And, I think he's high. Towelie: [at another table, mixing sauce...] How spicy would you like your Chang sauce? Male diner: Will you just place our order, please? Towelie: Oh man, I have no idea what's goin' on. Head waiter: Everything okay here? Male diner: Fine, except this towel has been mixing Chang sauce for fifteen minutes. He's clueless! Towelie: Don't call me shoeless! You're shoeless! Male diner: Yeah? Well you're a towel! Towelie: You're a towel! Head waiter: All right, that's it! Get out of here! You're fired! Towelie: Yeah! Head waiter: Not him, you! Towelie: Awww. Scene Description: The sidewalk outside P.F. Chang's. Towelie walks towards the camera, dejected Towelie: Aw man, I really screwed up this time. The rent's due at the end of the month, and I don't have any money. I need to shape up and find a new job, quick. [stops] But first, maybe I'll get a little high. [pulls out a lighter and joint, and lights up. His eyes change color from white to pink] Wait. Here it goes. Good ideas comin'. Yeah. Hey yeah! I should become a writer! If I just write a book about my life, I can get it published and then make plenty of money to pay rent. Scene Description: Towelie, at home, night. He gets to work at an old typewriter: he puts a paper in and rolls it into place. Towelie: I bet people can't wait to read my memoirs. [begins to type] Scene Description: A publisher's office, day. The publisher reviews the first draft Towelie brings in Publisher 1: Aha. Mmm. Yes. Yes, I see. Well, that's quite a fascinating story, you being engineered as a towel with a computer chip that determines dryness. Towelie: Yep! And it's all true. Publisher 1: Chapters 4 through 8, however, seem to all be about Doritos Brand Corn Chips. Towelie: I guess I could edit those chapters down some. Publisher 1: Don't bother. I'm sorry to tell you this, sir, but nobody's ever going to publish your memoirs. Towelie: Huh? Why not? Publisher 1: Well, just the small trivial fact that... people aren't interested in autobiographies of towels. Towelie: Wull yeah, but, maybe people will read my memoirs and like, apply its lessons to their own lives. Publisher 1: No. They won't. Because they're people. And you're a towel. Towelie: You're a towel! Publisher 1: No. I'm a big book publisher who's not the least bit interested in your stony memoirs. You're a towel. Scene Description: Porcupine Press, day. Towelie leaves the building Towelie: Now what am I gonna do? I gotta pay rent and I just wasted three weeks writin' my memoirs. It's time for me to stop bein' so irresponsible. I've gotta shape up, focus, an' come up with real solutions to my problems. [pulls out his joint and lighter again] I'd better get a little high. [strikes the flint once, but doesn't light the joint] Oh, maybe I shouldn't. Joint: But you have to think of somethin' fast, an' gettin' high makes you smart. Towelie: All right, I'll just use my special gettin'-high powers one more time. [lights the joint and sucks some fumes in. His eyes turn pink again] Hey. Hey, wait a minute. Of course! That's it! Why didn't I think of it before? [grins a small grin] Scene Description: "A MILLION LITTLE FIBERS" Scene Description: The page turns and the Chapter 1 is shown Towelie: [in the stacks of a library, he proof-reads] All my life I've been a pretty irresponsible towel. [crosses out "towel" and writes] person. I thought I was somehow stronger and more immune than other towels. [crosses out "towels" and writes] people. [the next sentence reads "But as I pursued my derelict..."] This is a really good idea. Scene Description: Another publisher's office, day. The publisher reads Publisher 2: Ogh. Oh my God. Uh I could not believe a human being has led this kind of life, Mr...! Towelie: [wears a small fedora and fake mustache] McTowelie. Steven McTowelie. Publisher 2: It's heartbreaking passages like this one: "I am a person who often gets hung out to dry by all those around me." I know this company would be honored to publish this book. I just have one small question first. You're not... a towel, are you? Towelie: ...No. If I was a towel, why would I be wearin' this hat, an' this fake mustache? Publisher 2: Right, I'm sorry. [rises] Well Steveen, if it's all right with you, I'm gonna to get our agents and lawyers on the phone right now. We're in business, sir. Towelie: [quite pleased] All right! Scene Description: Oprah. Her splash screen comes on, the studio audience cheers Oprah: Thank you so much. [the applause dies down] Once in a while I come across a book that is sooo honest and sooo moving that it changes my life. [holds up a book] "A Million Little Fibers" is the true story about a man who was born in a laboratory. Please welcome author Stevem McTowelie! [she fairly sings his last name. Towelie comes out to cheers from the audience and climbs onto the sofa with some difficulty] Steven, when I read your book, I thought to myself, "How can a human being go through all this and still turn out okay?" Towelie: Well, I guess I'm just an extra-special tow- [stops himself] person. Oprah: You talk in your book how you would sometimes have to spend days hung up on a rack. What would that do to you emotionally? You have been through... so much, [the camera pans down to her crotch] and I think that people all over America could benefit... Her crotch: [in one UK accent] Oh God, there she goes again, babblin' about people's lives and carryin' on. She hasn't paid any attention to me in years! Oprah: ...a life that kept getting up whenever it was down... Her crotch: Nobody knows what it's like to be Oprah's minge. All she does is work, never gives her ol' minge a nice rub now and again. A minge needs attention! At least a scratch once in a while! Oprah: Well Steven, your book hasn't sold a lot of copies yet, but I have some pretty exciting news for you! Mingie: Used to be a time when Oprah would play with me night and day. She'd pet me for hours usin' every finger. Now I just sit here, in the dark, not even so much as a pinky! I should write a book! Be much more depressin' than his! Oprah: And so, Steven, I'm making your book my official Book of the Month selection! [sing-song ending] Towelie: Really? [the audience cheers] Wow. I'm gonna get super-rich now. Scene Description: The book goes into mass circulation, the presses printing, cutting and binding at a fast pace. The paper cover goes on last, and the new book drops through a trap floor into a waiting cardboard box with more copies of the book within. The cover is shown and the box closed and shipped out. Next, Towelie is at a book-signing at Frontier Books autographing the books of a line of waiting readers. Posters promoting his book appear on the sides of buses, another shot of Towelie signing books at Frontier as dollar signs float by, a man checking the book out through a window at Tiara Books, shoppers buying the book at Barnes & Legal as Towelie floats by with his bong Scene Description: Oprah's office. She has a lovely Persian rug there. Oprah: [talking to her programming people] Uh huh, okay. Well listen, maybe we can get her in as a guest on the 19th. All right, is John Travolta available to be a guest the week after that? Okay, that might work better since it's Sweeps Week. Mingie: Can't take it anymore. All she ever does is work work work, never pays attention to the ol' minge. I'm always trapped in these stuffy pantsuits. I want attention! I'm bloody bored! A voice: [in a different UK accent] Oh stop your complainin'! I'm tryin' to sleep back here. Mingie: Ay, 'oo's that? Is that you, Gary? Gary: Yes it's me. You think you've go' it bad? Oprah hasn't paid any attention to me in years. Mingie: Oh, what do you care? You're just an asshole. I'm a minge! Minges need stimulation. Gary: Assholes need stimulation too, you bastard! I want to travel. I want to see Paris. I thought lamp was goin' to get better, but Oprah's always busy. Werkin' and werkin', diyatin' and not diyatin'. I need a pukin' up mounds of chocolate cake or teaspoons of weedgrass. Mingie: She's a workaholic. Let's face it: the only way we're ever goin' tuh get any attention is if Oprah doesn't work anymore. Gary: Well that'll never happen. Mingie: Not unless she gets fired. Gary: [wonders] Fired... You got a plan, Mingie? Mingie: That bloke on the show today, the one Oprah supported. 'E isn't a bloke at all. 'E's a towel. Gary: Ooo. How d'you know? Mingie: [low, ominous voice] I'm a minge. Minges know a towel when they hear one. If evidence gets out that Oprah's champion author is a towel, she'll look right foolish. Fans'll start droppin' off by the millions. Gary: 'Ow do we get proof? Mingie: We get somebody else to do it. The greatest investiga'ive reporter of our time. Scene Description: Geraldo Rivera's office, evening. Geraldo is busy writing up a report Butler: Mr. Rivera. Geraldo: What is it, Dimitri? Dimitri: There's somebody on the phone to speak with you. He says he has inside information for you that may discredit Oprah Winfrey. [Geraldo stops, rises, and goes into his private offce, where he answers the phone] Geraldo: [sits down] Thith ith Geraldo. Mingie: [somehow on the phone] 'Allo 'Eraldo. I've got some information for you ya might find interestin'. It could make Oprah Winfrey look quite foolish. Geraldo: Who am I thpeaking with?! Gary: 'E wants to know who 'e's speakin' with. Mingie: Let's just say I work very closely with Oprah. You'd like to see 'er discredited, wouldn't ya? Geraldo: [his left hand spread out over his chest] What information do you have? Mingie: What'd 'e say? Gary: He wants to know what information we have. Mingie: Just tell me wha' 'e says, Gary! Don't wait for me 'o ask you "wha' 'e say?"! Gary: Stop wastin' my time. Mingie: Ay, don't get snooty with me, Gary! Gary: I didn't say "stop wastin' my time," Geraldo did. Geraldo: What ith going on here?! Mingie: Oh all right Gary, this isn't workin'. Let's switch. I'll listen and you talk. [a few second later] Gary: Hallo? Geraldo: Who ith thith? Gary: This is Gary. Geraldo: Gary who?! What is your last name?! Mingie: Don't give away your name. We don't want anyone to know where we are. Gary: A'right, look. All you need to know is that I'm definitely not Oprah's asshole. Mingie: Aw you stupid twit!! Gary: Don't call me a twit, Geraldo! Mingie: He didn't call you "stupid twit," I did!! Now just tell 'im this: Gary: The writer of the book on Oprah's Book of the Month Club is a phonih. He's not a person at all. He's a towel. Geraldo: A towel? A talking towel? That doethn't make any thenthe. Mingie: Tell 'im 'e'd be surprised at things that can talk. Gary: You'd be surprised at things that can talk. Geraldo: What proof do you have of this accusation?! Gary: Just look into the author of "A Million Little Fiyabers," and you'll discover the truth. Geraldo: And how do I go about that? [click, and a dial tone. Geraldo tries to get the caller back on] Hello? HELLO?! Scene Description: Larry King Live. The splash screen pops up Announcer: This is Larry King Live. Larry King: [Towelie is in the guest chair] My guest tonight is Steven McTowelie, author of the acclaimed book, "A Million LIttle Fibers." How are you tonight, Steven? Towelie: Well Larry, I'm a little high. Larry King: Your book has helped a lot of people beat addiction. What made you write it? Towelie: Well Larry, I was... really just writin' down my memoirs as I- Larry King: [holds his left hand up and looks to his director] What? What's that? Oh ex- oh excuse me, Steven, I understand that we have a special report coming in. Joining us live from Afghanistan, here is Geraldo Rivera. [a split screen comes up and Geraldo's feed struggles to come in] Geraldo: Hello? Larry, are you receiving me? Larry King: We're here, Geraldo. You're live on the show. Geraldo: Larry, this brave reporter has been days investigating and researching, and I have come up with a shocking discovery that is going to rock the balls and ass of the literary world! Steven McTowelie, author of "A Million LIttle Fibers," is a towel! Towelie: You're a towel. Geraldo: No, you're a towel. Towelie: Well you're a beaner towel. Geraldo: What did you say?? Scene Description: Oprah and two agents looks on from her office Towelie: I'm sorry. I'm high. Aide 1: This looks pretty bad, Oprah. Aide 2: Your fans look to you to be all-knowing and all-seeing, and you've just spent two weeks supporting a lying racist towel. Mingie: 'E did it, Gary! 'Eraldo got the proof! Gary: Oprah's got egg all over her face! She'll have to retire! Mingie: It's the beginning of a new life for us, Gary. Without 'er career 'o worry about, Oprah's sure to travel the world! Enjoy the finer things in life! She'll spend hours just ... playin' with 'er own minge! Gary: And her Gary too. Mingie: Sure. And 'er Gary. We did it, mate! Aide 2: Oprah, we need to know what we're going to do. Oprah: What's the big deal? His book helped people. Why does it matter than he made some stuff up? Are people really going to be that mad? Scene Description: A Marryot Hotel, outside, day. Towelie looks down at the crowd from his hotel window. A large group has signs calling hima LIAR and demanding that he be put on trial or punished. More signs demand refunds on the books the bearers bought. Protester 1: Your book got me to give up alcohol! But I thought you were a person! Protester 2: Yeah, we want our money back, you dumb towel! Latino Protesters: ¡No insultar Mexicanos! ¿Oye? ¡No insultar Mexicanos! ¿Oye? Towelie: Oh God, I'm really in trouble now. [his phone rings and he answers] Hello? Oprah: Steven, it's Oprah. Can you come on my show again tomorrow? Towelie: Why? Oprah: We need to tell the audience why you changed some of the facts in your book; that you thought it necessary to "heighten" certain things to make the book more relevant to people. Towelie: Hey yeah. Oprah: Just come on the show and explain in a very level-headed way that changing some facts shouldn't matter if the book helps people, okay? Towelie: Okay. Thanks Oprah! You're a real friend. Oprah: See you tomorrow. Towelie: All right, I got one chance here. I need to focus and come up with what I'm gonna say. [gets out his joint and lighter] Maybe I should get a little high. [stops himself] No! Wait a minute! I'm not going to get high this time. [closes his lighter] Joint: Aw, come on. You need to come up with ideas of what to say on Oprah. Towelie: But, the ideas I come up with when I'm high keep gettin' me in trouble. Joint: Yeah. That's why you should only get a little high. Towelie: Well, maybe just a little high. [lights up and starts tokin'] Scene Description: Oprah. Towelie returns for a second interview with her Oprah: Today my guest is once again Steven McTowelie, whose memoirs many of you purchased after I made it my Book of the Month Selection. [a sea of angry faces looks back at the stage] Mingie: Ya hear that, Gary? Nobody's applaudin'! Gary: Yeah! They're all right pissed off! This is great! Oprah: Now, it turns out that your name isn't really Steven. It's Towelie, correct? Towelie: [sheepishly] Yeah. Oprah: And you are a towel. Towelie: Yes, I'm pretty much a towel, Oprah. Oprah: Can you explain to the audience why you said you weren't a towel before? Towelie: Well Oprah, I was all, like, um... uh, woo dat all like... It's like... Oprah: Was it that you thought embellishing the story was okay if it helped people? Towelie: Yeah. Yeah, that's it! Oprah: Well you know what I think, Towelie? I think you're a LYING SACK OF SHIT! [the audience is a little shocked] You lied to all these people, and for what??!! To make money!! They bought your book thinking it was true!! Man 1: That's right! Man 2: Yeah. Towelie: But I thought you said- Oprah: How DARE you like to me and make me look foolish?! Mingie: What's this? What's she doin'? Gary: I don't understand, Mingie. Oprah: You think writing is a joke, you stupid towel?! Man 3: Yeah, you you get him, Oprah! Audience: Yeah! Oprah: You will not get away with this! Mingie: She's getting everyone back on er side! Oh, tha' clever cow! Oprah: You lied to me, Towelie! And therefore you have lied to America! [stands up] We are going to rise up against you! [the audience cheers her on] Is this audience ready for a good old-fashioned lynching?! Audience: Yeah! Towelie: Huh? Oprah: Audience, if you look under your seats, you'll find your very own torches! [the audience members reach down under their seats and pull up the torches they find there] Audience: Whoa. Gary: Minge, does this mean I have to wait to see Paris? Mingie: There's not gonna be any Paris! Don't you get it, Gary?! The fat cow get everyone on 'er side again! She'll be workin' more than ever now! Our plan is ruined! Gary: No! Oprah: We'll give you a five-second headstart. [lights up her torch] One. Two. [throws away her lighter. Towelie hops off and starts running] Towelie: Hoooo! Oprah: Let's get him! [turns right and chases him] Woman: Burn him! Burn the towel! Man 4: Burn that which lies to Oprah! Scene Description: The Chicago streets. Towelie is running for his life, with Oprah and her audience in hot pursuit. Towelie rounds a corner and enters the First National Bank of Chicago. Towelie tries to get in, but finds he can't open the doors. Oprah and her audience quickly surround him at the doors. Oprah: Looks like your time is up, Towelie! I've led my adoring fans RIGHT to you! Man 5: All right Oprah! Oprah: I've shown my fans that... ugh! Ow! Wha?? [her pants rip open over her crotch and a handgun pops out] Mingie: All right! Everyone back! Get back I said! [takes control of Oprah's body and turns her around. The fans cower] Oprah: What the hell is this??!! Mingie: [waves the gun around] Nobody moves, nobody gets hurt! Gary: Mingie, what're you doin'? Mingie: Gettin' ou'a here Gary! One way or another! [a police officer shows up, gun at the ready] Oprah: What is going on??!! Mingie: [aims the gun at Oprah's head] Shut up! Shut up, you miserable old cow, or so help me I'll blow your brains out! [aims it at the police officer] I want a chooper! You got that?! And a jet waiting at the airport! Gary: Mingie, have you lost your mind? Mingie: Come on, Gary! You always said you wanted to see Paris! Gary: Not like this, Mingie. Not like this! Officer: [approaching cautiously, ready to fire his gun] All right, gig is up. Put down the gun! Mingie: Stay back, mate! Officer: Drop the gun and step away. Mingie: I'm warnin' you! Officer: [takes a few steps forward] Put it down, I said- [a gunshot hits him in the chest] Augh! [falls onto his knees] Gawhh [falls forward and dies] Gary: Jesus Minge! You killed him! You shot him dead! Mingie: No turnin' back now, Gary. Gary: Oh God, I think I'm goinna be sick eh. Mingie: Oh keep your head, Gary. Gary: I can't, uh... I'm goinna puke! [moments later he begins to puke] Mingie: Ah, Gary, that smells awful! Now I'm gonna throw up! [moments later he begins to puke. Everyone is looking on in amazement. One of the fans begins to move slowly away from Oprah, but Mingie notices and aims the gun at him] Try to leave and I'll shoot you too! You hostages aren't goin' anywhere till we get what we want! Man 6: Oh my God, what are we goinna do? Man 7: You got us into this, towel. Think of somethin'! Towelie: All right, I'm gonna get a little high. [sets up to light the joint, but stops himself again] No! No I'm NOT gonna get high! Every time I get high, I come up with ideas that get me in more trouble. I'm not gettin' high this time! Scene Description: HBC World News Geraldo: I'm standing in the business district of central Chicago, where Oprah's vagina has killed a police officer and taken several people hostage. It is yet unconfirmed but believed that Oprah's asshole may be an accomplice in this as well. SWAT officer 1: Got the walkie-talkie you asked for. Mingie: Put it underneath me. [the SWAT officer bends down and place the walkie-talkie underneath Mingie] Slowly, mate, slowly! [the officer slides it in place] Now back off. [the officer backs away] All right, Gary, squeeze the walkie button. [click] This is Oprah's minge! Lt. Nelson: Hellow, I'm Lieutenant Nelson. What are your demands? Mingie: I want a chopper, and a jet waiting at the airport to take us to France! Plus we need some fresh knickers right away. Lt. Nelson: All right, how about fresh underwear for one hostage. Mingie: I'm not playing games with you, mate! Gary's drownin' in his own sick! Lt. Nelson: All right, we'll work on it. Don't do anything foolish. [turns off the walkie talkie] We don't have any time; this is the most unstable vagina I've ever talked to. SWAT officer 2: O'Reilly, you got a shot? O'Reilly: [from a nearby rooftop] I got it. [has his sights on Oprah's minge] Lt. Nelson: [shifting gears] Not with those hostages so close! It's too risky! Gary: Oh just put down the gun, Mingie. Maybe they'll go easy on us. Mingie: Don't be stupid, Gary. I've got a policeman. They'll fry me, lock you up for life. Gary: [emotional] Aw Mingie, I'm soo scared. Mingie: We're gonna get out of here, mate. Just leave it to me. SWAT officer 3: Oprah's vagina, this is your last warning! Put down the gun! Mingie: If that chopper isn't here in two minutes, I'm killin' a hostage! Towelie: Hey wait a minute. [begins to move slowly, then quickly to the bank doors again. He thinks a moment, then slides in under the doors and stands up. He turns around and opens the doors] Pssst! [the hostages look and then move into the bank] Mingie: I mean it! Hostages are gonna start dyin' if you don't listen! [the hostages run through the bank and out the back doors] SWAT officer 4: Hostages are clear! Lt. Nelson: All right, that's it. Take it out! [O'Reilly shoots] Oprah: AAAAaaah! Mingie: What the? Haha! You missed me, you stewpid buggers! You see that Gary? They can't even aim! Gary: [softly] Min... [louder] Mingie. Mingie: Gary, what's, what's wrong? Gary: They got me, Mingie. Mingie: No... Oh no! Gary: Aye. They got me bad. Oh, the blood. Mingie: Try to hang on, Gary! Gary: Ih... It's gettin' dark, Minge. Mingie: Oh Gary! What have I gotten ya into? Gary: I've seen muh life flash before me eyes. Mingie! Mingie: I'm 'ere, Gary! Gary: Where... where are we, Mingie? Are we in Paris? Mingie: Yeah. Yeah, we're in Paris, mate. Gary: Ahhh... Is it as wonderful as I 'oped? Mingie: Ih, it's beautiful. We've finally made it! Gary: Tell me what you see, Mingie. Mingie: [getting emotional] Well, there's the... Eiffel Tower right in front of us. The Louvre, right over there behind ya. And f-fresh baguettes all around. Gary: Ahhh... I can smell them, Mingie. At least I got to see Paris before I- [and no more is heard from him] Mingie: Gary? Gary, say somethin'. [Gary craps his last, or maybe it's just a final fart] You killed him, you bastards! He didn't even want any part in this! This is all your fault, you stupid cow! You never gave your ol' Gary the time of day and now he's gone! Life ain't worth livin' any more! What's the use?! ...I'm comin' to see you, Gary! [the gun is cocked] I'm comin' to see ya! Oprah: No! Don't! [the gun goes off. Moments later, Oprah is put on a gurney and wheeled over to a waiting ambulance, and rolled in] Lt. Nelson: Oprah's going to be okay. Wish I could say the same for her vagina and asshole. Detective: That's a great idea you had to sneak the hostages inside the bank. Man 7: Yeah, it sure was. We're sorry we tried to burn you and murder you before. Towelie: Aw, that's okay. This whole thing was my fault. I learned that I shouldn't get high to come up with ideas. I should come up with ideas and then get high, to reward myself. [whips out his joint and lighter] Joint: Youuu said it. [Towelie lights it up and chugs away]

Scene Description: South Park Elementary school gym, day. The student body is gathered there to hear from a guest speaker. Mr. Mackey is presiding. Mr. Mackey: M'kay, students, we have a very special guest speaker today. Who can tell me the name of our country's last vice-president? Kyle: Dick Cheney? Mr. Mackey: No, the last one. Butters: Bill Clinton. Mr. Mackey: No, Clinton's vice-president. [no one has an answer] He is here today to talk to you students about some very serious issues. Please welcome Al Gore. [some applause. Al Gore arrives and Mr. Mackey steps away to one side] Stan: Who? Al Gore: Thank you, Mr. Mackey, students of South Park Elementary.. I'm here to educate you about the single biggest threat to our planet. You see, there is something out there which threatens our very existence and may be the end of the human race as we know it. I'm talking of course about... [a projector comes on and a picture of a monster appears] ManBearPig. [a beast with the legs and tail of a pig, the body and arms of a bear, and the face and upper-body posture of a man] Kyle: [softly, to Stan] ManBearPig? [Stan just turns his hands up and shrugs] Al Gore: It is a creature which roams the earth alone. It is half man, half bear, and half pig. Some people say that ManBearPig isn't real. Well, I'm here to tell you know, ManBearPig is very real, and he most certainly exists. I'm serial. ManBearPig doesn't care who you are or what you've done. ManBearPig simply wants to get you! I'm super-serial. [Mr. Mackey and Mrs. Garrison just look at each other.] But have no fear, because I am here to save you! And someday, when the world is rid of ManBearPig, everyone will say "Thank you, Al Gore. You're super awesome." The end. Mr. Mackey: [reappears and claps a little] Uhhh, ohhhkay, thank you Mr. Gore. Al Gore: Thank you, class. Excelsior! [Stan and Kyle just blink at each other] Scene Description: South Park, evening. The boys are playing basketball in a neighborhood park. Cartman has possession of the ball. Cartman: [giggles as he dribbles] Check out this sweet move. [tries to dribble around Kyle, but Kyle blocks him] Kyle, you can't block like that. Kyle: Just play the game, fatass! Stan: [open under the net] Pass it to me, Cartman? Cartman: Hang on. I'm going to do something killer. [tries to fake Kyle out, but Kyle taps the ball away. Cartman goes after it] God damnit, stop it, Kyle! Scene Description: Nearby, as the moon rises over the mountains, a shadow moves across the forest, its claws fairly visible. Cartman: [tries again, moving Kyle back some] All right, check it out. This is a total Kobe Bryant I'm about to do. [keeps dribbling without making a move] Kyle: Just take a shot or pass the ball, asshole! It's getting late! Scene Description: The beast moves closer to some bushes, then stands up and sees the basketball court. Cartman: Let's just see who gets the ball this time, Jewboy! [again tries to get by Kyle, but Kyle taps the ball away again. Cartman chases it down again.] Kyle, knock it off! [the beast breaks through the bushes and steps onto the basketball court. Cartman continues to dribble] Stan: Cartman, stop hogging the goddamned ball! Beast: FOOD! [it's Al Gore in a homemade ManBearPig costume. The boys turn to see who it is] Don't worry, it's not really ManBearPig. It's me, Al Gore. Kyle: We know. [several seconds of silence follow] Cartman: Dude, what are you doing? Al Gore: I'm spreading ManBearPig awareness. Here, each of you kids take a pamphlet and a bumper sticker. [Kyle looks at the sticker; the sticker has a "ManBearPig" crossed out by a red circle and bar, and the words "We must all stop ManBearPig" to the left of the ManBearPig] I hope now you boys see that this is totally serial. The next time, it could be the "real" ManBearPig. Can I just get you to sign the awareness sheet? Just your name and phone number and where you first heard about ManBearPig? Randy: [waiting nearby in the family car] Uhh, Stan? Stan: Oh, hey Dad. Al Gore: [turns around slowly and waves] Hello. Randy: [vigilant] It's ah, getting late, boys. Why don't you get in the car and I'll drive you all home? Kyle: Okay, Mr. Marsh. [the boys move towards the car] Al Gore: Be safe. [the boys get in the car and Randy drives off. Al Gore looks on as they leave, then turns around and walks off in the opposite direction] Scene Description: Randy's car. Randy: Boys, I don't want you hanging out with that ex vice-president anymore, okay? Stan: Aw, he's all right, Dad. He was just trying to warn us about ManBearPig. Randy: ManBearPig? Kyle: He's half man and half bearpig. Cartman: No, dude, he's half man and half bear and half pig. Kyle: That doesn't make any sense. Stan: He could be half bear, half manpig. Randy: Boys, there's no such thing as a ManBearPig. The vice president is just desperate for attention. Stan: But I feel kind of bad for him, Dad. I don't think he has any friends. Scene Description: Stan's room, night. He's fast asleep when his phone rings. Stan sits up and rubs his eyes, then hops off his bed and goes to answer the phone on his desk. Stan: Hello? Al Gore: Hello, this is Al Gore. Stan: [shuts his eyes and covers them with his left hand] Oh man... Hi Mr. Gore. Al Gore: I was the vice president. Stan: I know. Al Gore: Can you and your friends make it to an emergency ManBearPig meeting tomorrow morning? I have some evidence he could be in this area. Stan: Eh look, I'm sorry but, we're all kind of busy. Al Gore: [several seconds of silence] Oh. I get it. You don't believe me either. Stan: No, no, it's not that. Al Gore: Yes it is. Nobody believes me! [gets emotional] I'm trying to warn everybody and nobody takes me serial! [begins weeping over the phone] I just want somebody in the world to take me serial just for once. Stan: Ih it's okay, Mr. Gore, I, I believe you. Al Gore: No you don't. Stan: Yeah, I'm sure ManBearPig needs to be stopped. I'm just... I'm just scared that I can't do anything to stop him. Al Gore: Are you serial? Stan: ...Yes, I'm serial. Al Gore: [reinvigorated] Don't worry! We CAN stop him! Bring everyone you can to my ManBearPig meeting tomorrow at 8 a.m. sharp! [hangs up] Scene Description: A Komfort Inn, morning. The boys climb up to the second floor and walk to Room 2B. Cartman: Dude, why are we going to hang out with this guy? Kenny: (Yeah, I don't get it.) Stan: Come on, you guys, Al Gore doesn't have any friends. We'll just make an appearance at his little meeting and then we'll go. [the door opens and Al Gore greats the boys] Al Gore: Hi kids! Come on in! [the boys follow him in] Okay, let's get this meeting started. What do you kids think we should do to stop ManBearPig? Stan: Yyeah, you know, Mr. Gore, uh, my dad's a geologist, and he said that ManBearPig probably isn't in Colorado. Al Gore: [alerted, goes down on one knee] What does your dad look like?? Does he have large hooves where his feet should be?? Stan: NO. Al Gore: Damn. For a minute there, I thought we found him. Stan: Well, this was a great meeting. Wasn't it, guys? But, we gotta get goin' to school now. Al Gore: [an alarm goes off nearby] Oh my God! [runs to his control center and leans back in his chair to look closely at his monitor. He begins to type quickly] ManBearPig screen active! What is this area of Colorado! It's a it's a cave of some kind! [a map of Cave of the Winds is shown, with the target below the text blinking] Kyle: Yeah, that's Cave of the Winds. It's a tourist attraction. Al Gore: Oh Jesus on ice skates, we've gotta get down there right away. Cartman: Ah I don't think so, dude. [the boys head for the door] Kyle: Yeah, we've got school anyway. Al Gore: I can get you all excused from school. [the boys stop in their tracks and turn around.] Cartman: You... have that kind of power? Al Gore: Look! You boys have a chance to help me find and kill ManBearPig once and for all! I'm totally serial! Scene Description: Wonderful Cave of the Winds, day, inside. A tour group gathers to embark on its tour. Tour guide: Hello everyone, welcome to Cave of the Winds. Our tour is gonna take us to two chambers in one of the most elaborate cavern systems in Colorado. [his head bobs as he sighs] Before we get started I do understand we have a special guest in our group today: the ex vice president, Mr. Al Gore. [one or two people clap, and Gore smiles at the two ladies, one on either side of him] Mr. Gore asked me to make sure you all knew he was here. Now, once we enter the cave we do ask you that you follow two rules: stay on the path and do not touch anything. Aright, are we ready? Group: Yeah. Tour guide: Let's go cavin'. [turns on his headlight, opens the velvet rope and leads the group into the cave] Scene Description: The tour. Tour guide: Here we are in the main chamber of the cave; it was discovered in 1892 and first used as a hideout for smugglers of the Old West. Al Gore: Have you noticed high deposits of sulfur or a salmon-like odor coming from the caves lately? Tour guide: [to Al Gore] Ahh, no. [addressing the group] Now, as you can see, the cave is filled with stalagmites and stalactites. Water drips from the cave's... Al Gore: All right, kids, I need you to keep an eye out for ManBearPig droppings. Kyle: What do ManBearPig droppings look like? Al Gore: Similar to pig droppings, but more manbearlike. Tour guide: These rocks often make interesting shapes which we like to name. For instance, this one here we named "The Hanging Mushroom." [a solid stalactite in the shape of a penis] And over here we have "Man With Helmet and Two Bowling Balls." [a massive stalagmite, again in the shape of a penis and two large testicles] And finally, of course, the "Two Sisters." [two smaller stalagmites, each the shape of a penis and testicles] Now the cave itself is millions of years old and has a constant temperature of 57 degrees. Al Gore: Groan! Groan! [this stops the tour and everyone turns to face him] Tour guide: Sir? Mr. Gore? Is there a problem? Al Gore: Not yet. Tour guide: All right, everyone, if you'll step this way, you'll see how the cave gets its name. [the group moves forward] Al Gore: [looks at an opening and motions the kids over] Kids! Kids, over here! Look. Kyle: What? Al Gore: I bet this is where he's hiding. [shines his light around] This looks like ManBearPig Central. Come on! [goes down the path he found] Come on! This is where ManBearPig is! I'm serial! [the boys follow him down the path. They have officially broken from the group.] Tour guide: In certain areas of the cave, the wind actually blows through, causing a sound you can hear. [the cave begins to howl] Group: Wow... Woman: Take a picture of the sound, Steven. [her husband takes the picture.] Scene Description: Al Gore's path. Stan: Mr. Gore, I I think we should stay with the tour group. Al Gore: [hearing the wind] Wait! Shhh. [concludes] Christ! He's here! Take this rope! [hands some rope to Stan] Be ready to tie him up! [brings out a shotgun] I've got you now, you son of a bitch! [begins shooting randomly, and bits of the cave ceiling begin falling] Kyle: What are you doing?! [bigger chunks of cave fall between Al Gore and the boys] Stan: Oh no! Al Gore: No! The boys: Aaaah! [the boys are now sealed off from Al Gore. Gore turns around and assumes the worst] Al Gore: Leave them alone, you Goddamned ManBearPig! The boys: Help! Al Gore: Damn you ManBearPig! They're just children! Scene Description: The tour. Chunks of cave begin falling along its path as well, and the tour guide takes appropriate action. Tour guide: O-kay, everyone, out of the cave. Now! [the group turns around and runs back towards the entrance. The collapse follows the group] Go! Go! Go out, now! [the last person out of the cave is Al Gore, and the cave entrance is sealed shut by the collapse of the cave ceiling] Scene Description: The inner collapse. Kyle: Hello? Stan: Help! Kyle: We're trapped in here! Cartman: Somebody get us some help down hyah! Kyle: Hello, help! Cartman: Hello?? Kenny: (Hello!) Stan: Help! Kyle: Forget it! They can't hear us! Kenny: (What are we gonna do??) Cartman: [pointing at Stan] You'd better get us out of here, asshole! Stan: [faces Cartman] Me?? Cartman: You just had to go and be nice to Al Gore! Now we're trapped in a cave! Stan: Maybe there's another way out of here. Kenny: (Oh, no kidding.) Kyle: A-all right, let's split up and look for a passageway. E-everyone take a different direction. [the boys split up. Kyle climbs along a pile of boulders] Oh man, we're in big trouble here. Cartman: [scrambling along his own path] This is... bullcrap! If I'm thin- I'm gonna be so... pissed off! [loses his footing and slides down some distance to the floor. He gets up and coughs from all the dust that went up around him] Goddammit! [reaches down and grabs his flashlight. He slaps it until it comes back on, coughs, and looks ahead. His eyes grow big. Before him is "Smuggler's Den," a corner of the cave in which sits an open treasure chest and two skeletons guarding it. Gold and jewelry are in and around the chest, while the skeletons have guns in their hands. Cartman approaches slowly, in awe] Kyle: You see anything, Kenny?? Kenny: (No, nothing!) [Cartman is frozen, speechless] Kyle: Cartman?? Cartman, you see anything?? Cartman: [in a soft, trembling voice] No, nothing [clears his throat and speaks normally] No, nothing here! Nothing this way! [his eyes fixed on the look, he swoons] Tr... treasure. Kyle: Cartman, you okay?? [Cartman snaps out of it] You need help?? Cartman: I'm fine! This way is just a... dead end! Coming back to you now! [turns to head back to the other boys, but turns around one last time to remember where the treasure is, then heads back to his friends.] Kyle: It looks like we're completely sealed in. Kenny: (Yeah, No shit.) Stan: [returning] There's a small passageway about 200 yards over there, but... it goes for a long long way and it's pretty steep. [Cartman arrives] Kyle: Maybe we should go for it. Cartman: You guys go on ahead. I'm gonna... stay here, wait it out. [the other three boys turn to face him] Kyle: Why? Cartman: I just... I I don't feel very good. I'll just wa-, I'll just weigh you guys down. Stan: Cartman's right. First rule of survival is stay put and wait to be rescued. Cartman: No, it's okay. You guys go on ahead. Kyle: No, we'll stay here too. If we start wandering off, we're gonna get lost or killed. Let's just wait here and hope help comes soon. Cartman: That's cool. I just... I just wouldn't go over there [points to his last location] if I were you guys. I just took a huge dump. Kyle: Aw, dude! [lifts his jacket over his nose.] Scene Description: Cave of the Winds, outside. Rescue personnel have arrived and make their way towards the cave entrance. the tour guide demonstrates on a map what happened. Miner 1: The cave-in was massive. It has cut off all access in or out. The children are believe to be trapped somewhere in this area. [circles with his index finger an area on the right side of the map] Miner 2: Does anybody know who these kids are? Miner 1: No, nobody seems to knew them. Only that they were in the tour group. Digging to them is going to take days. Al Gore: [arrives, interrupting] Excuse me, Excuse me. This cave-in was no accident, and it isn't going to stop unless we move fast! I am super... duper... serial! Miner 1: What do you mean? The cave-in is over. Al Gore: I'm afraid you have a much bigger problem than a cave-in. Miner 1: What's that? [Gore whips out a drawing of ManBearPig] Fireman: What is that, a pigbearman? Al Gore: No, stupid! It's ManBearPig! Scene Description: Back at the inner collapse. Stan: I'm sooo hungry. Do you think people even know we're here? Kyle: They saw us on the tour. [Cartman comes back from the den] Dude, where do you keep going, Cartman? Cartman: I just... n-need to keep taking a crap. I got diarrhea, really bad. Kyle: Dude, it's bad enough we have to sit here without you taking a crap every ten minutes! Stan: Let's just try to sleep. Maybe help will come tomorrow. Scene Description: Sleep time at the inner cave-in. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny sleep. Cartman sits alone, smiling. Cartman: [softly throughout] All that treasure. [gets excited] It's all mine! [gets angry] So long as these greedy assholes don't find out about it! [looks at the other boys] You would all just looove to get your hands on my treasure, wouldn't you?! Even though I found it, you'd love to think it's somehow yours, too! God, I hate you guys! [begins to crawl towards Kyle] Especially you, you money-grubbing snake in the grass! [reaches Kyle so that his face is smiling evilly down at Kyle's face. He whispers] Well I have news for you, Kyle! You're never going to get my treasure. I've got a little plan going, to get the treasure out of here without you ever knowing. [Kyle stirs and wakes up] Kyle: C-Cartman? Cartman: [says nothing for a few seconds, then] Oh. Hey Kyle. How's it goin'? Kyle: Dude, what are you doing? Cartman: Not much. You know, just hangin' out. How've you been, man? Good? Kyle: Dude, get away from me! Cartman: Yeah. It's nice talking with you, Kyle. See you around. [gets off Kyle] Scene Description: Cave of the Winds, outside. The rescue personnel - rangers, firefighters, and paramedics - return to their work. Al Gore: [whining, stamps his right foot when saying "serial"] Why won't anybody listen to me?! ManBearPig is in there and we have to kill him while we all have the chance. I'm serial! Miner 3: Mr. Gore, please, we need you to calm down. Now, w-what exactly do you suggest we do? Al Gore: I told you we need to fill the cave with hot molten lead, 'cause it's the only way to make sure ManBearPig never comes out! And I'm sane and I'm totally serial, but everyone just keeps digging! Miner 3: Well, see, the problem is that if we fill the caves with hot molten lead, it will kill those boys too. Al Gore: They're already dead! Didn't you listen to me?? They got attacked by a ManBearPig and ManBearPig leaves nobody alive! I'm super serial! Nobody will listen to me but I'm serial! [begins to weep] Police officer: Do you want me to get the ex vice president out of here? Miner 2: Naw, I f- I feel kind of bad for him. I don't think he has any friends. Scene Description: Smuggler's Den, some time later. Cartman makes his way to it again with a bottle of water in his right hand. He heads straight for the treasure and cackles softly, then stops. Cartman: [determined] All right. Gotta be strong. [looks at the coins in his hands] There's still a lot more treasure to go. [begins to swallow the coins and wash them down with "WOTTUR." He soon runs into some difficulty swallowing and drinking, so it seems like he's puking. The other three boys are awake and listening with concern] Stan: Dude, he's really sick. [Cartman has moved on to swallowing necklaces and loose gemstones] Scene Description: Cave of the Winds, outside. The media have gotten wind of the story, so an HBC reporting crew has joined the rescue personnel. HBC reporter: It's been three days since four unidentified children were trapped in a cave-in. Three days without food and time is certainly running out. The digging continues, but progress is fatally slow. Miner 1: All right, people, we've gotta work faster! Our best estimate still puts us three days from reaching the area of the cave called Smuggler's Den. Ranger: Smuggler's Den? Tour guide: Ih it's a room near the end of the tour where you can get your picture taken with fake treasure. Here, see? [holds up a picture of two kids standing in front of the treasure] Miner 1: Based on where the boys were seen last, they're somewhere near this area! Hopefully they've followed the first rule of survival and stayed put. Scene Description: Back at the inner collapse. Stan is asleep and Kyle goes to wake him. Kyle: Stan! Stan, wake up! Stan: [wakes up and rubs his eyes] Huh? What? Have they come for us? Kyle: No, it's Cartman. Something's really wrong with him. [moves off, and Stan follows. Stan shines his light on Cartman, who's now overstuffed with the treasure he's been swallowing. Kenny holds the water bottle Cartman was drinking from] Cartman: Meh, meuh urgh. [coughs] Mbeuh. Stan: Oh my God. [runs up to Cartman] Cartman? Dude, can you hear me? Cartman: [cough] I'm fahn. Just a lit- [gulp] No big deal. [burps] Beh. Kyle: [taps Stan and takes him aside] We can't wait here any longer! Dude, we've gotta get him out of here or he's gonna die. Stan: How, dude? We c- we don't even know if that passage I found goes anywhere. Kyle: Maybe we should get out first. See if we can find a way out and then come back for him. Cartman: NO DON'T! Don't leave me here, you assholes. Don't leave me here to die. [coughs] Scene Description: Cave of the Winds, outside. The rescue mission continues. Scene Description: Back at the inner collapse. Stan, Kyle and Kenny have climbed out and have wrapped Cartman up to hoist him out. Cartman coughs as he rises to the top. The boys are pulling with all their might. Kyle: Come on come on! Pull! Stan: Goddamnit, he's soo heavy! Cartman: Buh. Hurry you guys. You gotta get me out of here. [grunts, and a fart comes out. His face lights up in alarm] Kyle: What the hell is that?? Stan: Cartman? Cartman: You guys, we've got no time! You gotta get me out!! [the boys pull again.] Scene Description: A river nearby. A crane approaches the river with a hoist full of boulders. Al Gore is manning the crane, moving levers here and there, positioning the hoist. Al Gore: This is the end of you, ManBearPig. [releases the boulders onto the river, and the water is diverted towards the cave] Excelsior! Scene Description: Cave of the Winds, outside. The rescue personnel stare as they notice water flooding towards the cave entrance. The water enters the cave Kenny: (We're almost there!) Stan: [exhausted] I can't keep carrying him, dude! I've got no strength! Cartman: Yes you do! [something drops, and the roar of flooding water is heard] Kyle: What the hell is that? [the boys turn quickly to see where the sound is coming from, and the wave of water appears. Cartman coughs again. The water rises towards them.] Oh my God. [the boys back up] Cartman: No! Let me out of here! Let me out of here, you guys! Kyle: Ruuun! [the boys turn and run from the advancing water, but it overtakes them, sweeping them along] Scene Description: Cave of the Winds, outside. The flash flood stops all activity. Miner 1: That's it! Pull everyone out! There's nothing more we can do! Fireman 2: You're calling off the rescue? Miner 1: We didn't plan on a freak river flood. God must really want those kids dead. Fireman 2: Well what if the children aren't dead? Miner 1: Look, the cavern is completely flooded. Nothing could have survived. There's nothing left alive down there. [the guide and fireman turn right and walk past Al Gore] Al Gore: [softly] Nothing left alive... [grins] I did it. I killed ManBearPig. I've saved the earth from certain destruction. Everyone is super-stoked on me, even if they don't know it. Scene Description: Cave of the Winds, inside. The boys have been swept into a newly-made lake. Stan is the first to pop up out of the water. He swims to a nearby bank and holds on to a boulder. Kenny pops up next to him. Stan: Kenny! Here, take my hand! [Kenny does so and makes it to safety. A change of POV shows Kyle hauling Cartman] Hurry Kyle, the water's rising! Cartman: Grab my hand. Kyle: Car... Cartman! You've gotta swim! Kick with your legs! Cartman: I can't kick! Kyle: Yes you can! Cartman: I can't! Kick yourself back to safety! Kyle: I need your help! Cartman: No, you just have to save me. [Cartman stops and begins to drop down to the bottom, taking Kyle with him] Stan: Kyle! No! Scene Description: Cave of the Winds, outside. The music indicates a funeral, and it is so. Al Gore is at the podium giving a eulogy. Al Gore: We are gathered here to say goodbye to four kids whom we all tried to help, but, in the end, could not. But where there is loss, there is hope. For ManBearPig is no more. Tour guide: Oh Jesus, here we go again. [the mourners hold candles with little paper guards over their hands] Al Gore: I have beaten ManBearPig, and we will never forget the names of the brave young kids who lost their lives. Kid 1, Kid 2, Kid 3, and of course, Kid 4. [off to the mourners' left, some rocks move and give way to a new opening] I remember how Kid 1 used to laugh and play. [a tour guide notices and watches. The rocks move some more and Stan appears] And how Kid 2 was always there when I needed him. Stan: Agh. Miner 4: [jumps out of his seat and stands up] Oh my God! ["Kid 4 was filled with hope and ... terrorism when..." Stan and Kyle work to pull Cartman out, but it's hard] Miner 1: It's the kids! [everyone rises and runs towards the boys] Miner 4: They're alive! [all four of them are out now] Al Gore: [walks up to the boys] Kids! I saved you! Stan: Just stay away from us, asshole! I was nice to you because I felt sorry for you, because you don't have any friends! But now I see WHY you don't have any friends! You just used ManBearPig as a way to get attention for yourself because you're a LOSER!! Al Gore: [undaunted] Hyeah right. The man who singlehandedly killed ManBearPig is a loser. [grins. Cartman starts to groan] Kyle: We need to get our friend to a hospital right away! Cartman: No! No I'm fine! [begins to walk with difficulty] I just need to get home, a-and rest. Stan: Cartman, seriously, you need to see a doctor. Cartman: [leaving] Noo! I just need to get to a toilet. See you guys. I... [stops] habbeh... HABBEHHHHHHHHHH! [his pants rip open in the rear and much of the treasure he had swallowed comes flying out of his body. Then he farts. A long silence follows as everyone looks at him and at the fake treasure he just pooped out] Kyle: Dude, did Cartman just crap treasure? Cartman: It's mine! It's mine, you hear me?! I got it out of the cave; it belongs to me! Keep your greedy hands away! Tour Guide 2: Hey, that looks like the fake treasure from our Smuggler's Den photo room. Cartman: That's right, and I... [looks at the tour guide] Fake treasure? Tour Guide 2: Yeah, we put it there for kids to take their picture with. All in all, I'd say that treasure is worth about fourteen dollars. Cartman: Noo... NOOO!! [craps out some more treasure] NOO! OW! Kyle: You made us pull you to safety because you ate treasure?! You son of a bitch! Cartman: Don't you think I'm hurting enough, Kyle?! Ah, ow!! [craps out even more fake treasure] Dowww! Al Gore: [now wearing a cape, loosely] Well, my work here is done. I've killed MBP, and now I must save the world from something else. Maybe I'll make a movie. A movie starring me. Then people will take me super-serial. [runs off in superhero pose] Cartman: Eh! [a gold-colored vase pops out of his ass]

Scene Description: Mr. Mackey's office, day. He's at his desk with Liane and Eric facing him Mr. Mackey: Mrs. Cartman, we have had it with your son's behavior, mkay?! Little Billy Turner is now being treated at the hospital! Liane: Eric, why would you do such a thing? Cartman: I'm sorry I handcuffed Billy Turner's ankle to the school flagpole. Mr. Mackey: You know that's not the point! Cartman: Okay, I'm sorry I handcuffed Billy Turner's ankle to a flagpole and then gave him a hacksaw. And then told him I had poisoned his lunch milk and that the only way he could get to the antidote in time would be to saw through his leg. Liane: That's very naughty, Eric. Cartman: Well he called me chubby! Mr. Mackey: We have tried at this school to make Eric understand that there are boundaries, mkay?! But frankly, we believe his behavioral problems start at home! Liane: [agreeing] I know. I know he's out of control. But... you don't know what it's like. [reaches into her purse, pulls out a napkin and cries into it] I'm sorry. It's just that... he seems to get worse every day. [crying through her words] He just never listens. Cartman: Well nice goin', asshole! You made my mom cry! Liane: It's not him, it's you, Eric. [Cartman's anger vanishes] I don't know what to do with you. Cartman: Sure you do. You're a great mom.Who's got the greatest mom in the world?I dooo.My mom is number one in my heart.It's true! Liane and Eric: My mom's the best mom, better than your mom.It's singing together in harmony. Mr. Mackey: Mrs. Cartman, I know this is extremely difficult but, there is help out there for people like you. Have you ever heard of a show called Nanny 911? Scene Description: Nanny 911 clips. Announcer: They're every parent's worst nightmare. [Two boys are in a bedroom. The older boy jumps around on the bed and throws a blue pillow at the younger one, the younger one cries, gets up, and throws the pillow back at him.] Girl: [in the bathroom with her father] Shut up! I hate you! I hate you! [runs away. Her father cries] Announcer: Kids completely out of control. [a boy is at the dining table at home, next to a bowl of spaghetti. He picks up the bowl, turns it over, dumps the spaghetti to the floor, and wears the bowl as a hat] Boy: [drops to the floor and slides around in the spaghetti] Look, I'm skating, I'm skating! Announcer: It's time to call Nanny 911. [a silhouetted nanny walks in from the left and into the show's coats of arms. Next shot is a camera zooming into NANNY CENTRAL. Inside the manor the nannies are shown: Nanny Stella, Nanny Deb, Nanny Yvonne, and Nanny Skexis] We've gathered a team of world-class nannies to help families in crisis. [five kids are on a living room sofa. One kid dances around, another repeatedly bangs an object on the floor, two others throw stuff to the floor] Parents of America, help is on the way! [Cartman is shown finger-painting] Tonight... Cartman: [grabs a can of Red Bull. Several more cans are scattered around, and one of them has tipped over and spilled some drink] Mom, I need another energy drink! [tosses a can away. Next shot, he's in the tub taking a bath and farts. Next shot, he has finished off the tacos his mom served him and takes one of hers without permission.] Announcer: This eight year old son of a single parent just won't behave. Cartman: [from his days supporting Mel Gibson's The Passion Of The Christ: pounds the table a few times] Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!! [his hair gets messed up from the impacts] Announcer: And Nanny Stella is selected to set him straight. [Stella, a stout blonde, walks toward Cartman's house, and people take second looks at her. She approaches Cartman's front door] Stella: It's time for Nanny Stella to show Eric Cartman his ways are not going to be tolerated anymore! [knocks on the door. Inside, Cartman is playing a video game. Stella knocks again] Cartman: Mom, are you deaf?! Somebody's at the door! Liane: [walks by] Yes. I think it's the nanny, poopsiekins. Cartman: Killer. I'm gonna be on TV now. [burps] Stella: [Liane answers the door] Hello. I'm Nanny Stella. Liane: Oh, thank you so much for coming. Please come in. [shows Stella in. Stella walks up to Cartman] Stella: And you must be Eric. Cartman: Mom, I want a Twinkie. Liane: All, all right dear. [starts walking, but Stella stops her] Stella: Hold on, Mrs. Cartman. There are going to be some rule changes around here, Eric. First of all, no video games until chores are done. Cartman: [glances up at her] Ha! Hahahahahaha! Stella: I'm serious. Let's put down the video game and go to the kitchen. Cartman: [mocking her British accent] No thanks, I'd rather naught. Stella: Right. Then I'm going to have to take it. [takes away the controller, then unplugs and gathers up the rest of the game console] Cartman: The hell do you think you're doing? Stella: Come on. [leads Liane and Cartman into the kitchen and sets the console down] This video game is going right here on the counter until we've done some chores. Now, first thing we're going to do is make your bed. [She walks off. Eric simply grabs the console and heads back to the living room, and she returns] Eric, no! This is not acceptable! [takes the console and sets it back on counter] Cartman: Stop trying to bogart my Xbox, you fat bitch! Stella: All right, that's it! [grabs his hand] You're going to time-out! [leads him away] Cartman: Time out? Stella: [takes him to a stool and places him on it as Liane watches] Whenever you are naughty, Eric, you are going to sit on this stool for five minutes. Cartman: [glances down and thinks] And what exactly keeps me on the stool? Stella: It's the time-out stool. You can't get down until the time is up. Cartman: [looks at her, then hops off the stool] Whoa, how did I do that? [walks off to get his X-Box] Stella: Eric, you have to stay in time-out! Cartman: Ummm, no? Stella: [approaches him, takes his hands off the console, and takes him back to the stool] Come on, you don't have a choice. Cartman: All right, seriously, you're starting to piss me off now. Stella: [genuflects and addresses him firmly] Eric, you need to listen to me. [to Liane] This is very important. I am getting down to eye level with Eric so that I can talk to him on his level. [to Eric] Eric, you need to understand why you are being punished. All right? Cartman: I'm just gonna get down as soon as you move. Stella: Well then, I'll just have to stand right here! [Cartman snorts inward, gathering up a wad of mucus and saliva and spitting it at Stella's mouth] Oh! [Cartman hops off and walks toward his X-Box] He spit in my mouth! Liane: Yeah, it's best to avoid his level. Stella: All right! I've dealt with this before! We just need to use psychology on him! Cartman: [hooks up the X-Box again] Don't stop believing. Hold on to that feeling. Stella: [genuflects behind him and embraces him] Eric, can I just talk to you for a quick second? Why are you so angry? Cartman: Because you took my Xbox. Stella: Is this about more than your video game? Are you feeling angry at me because you think I'm here to change your life? Cartman: Well, yeah. Stella: And you're feeling like I have no right to come in and tell you how to live. Cartman: Yeah. I guess so. Stella: [to Liane] See this? You have to take the time to talk to your children about their feelings. What else are you feeling, Eric? Cartman: Well, I'm feeling confused, because I don't understand why you became a nanny. Stella: Me? Well, it's because I love children, like you. Cartman: Right, but... if you love children so much, how come you're not a mommy? Stella: Oh, I just never had kids. Cartman: Why not? Stella: It... just... didn't happen. Cartman: You're sterile, is that it? [she releases him, taken aback by that question] No, that's too convenient of an excuse. The truth is, nobody ever wanted to have babies with you. Isn't that it? [her jaw drops] Always the mom's maid and never the mom? Must be hard on you, knowing that the years are ticking away, your friends all getting married and all the while your uterus is slowly shriveling away, drying up, becoming totally worthless. Stella: Why you, you... [stands up] you little bastard! How dare you?! Liane: Eric, naughty. Stella: What kind of [picks him up by the collar] monster would- Cartman: Yes, let the anger come! Strike me down while you can! But it won't make your dried-up ovaries any more fertile! [Stella drops him and steps back a bit] Stella: That's it! [walks up to the camera] I'm not doing this! Liane: Oh, but we really need some help. [Stella steps back to talk to Liane] Stella: Find yourself another nanny... television show! Scene Description: Next nanny show: A British flag, then a smiling nanny, then the nanny next to a British phone, with three kids next to her, then an early limousine pulls up and she gets inside it, then an American flag appears, then she's having dinner with an American family. Last scene is a montage of children she's dealt with over the length of her career Announcer: Coming up next, it's Super Nanny! Where other nannies fail, Nanny Jo comes through. [a parasol appears in her hand, then the camera pulls back to show three child silhouettes on either side of her. The silhouettes jump up and down] Scene Description: The Super Nanny's limo rolls up to Cartman's house. In the back seat, she's holding up a portable DVD player. A scene of Nanny 911 is playing: Stella taking the X-Box from Cartman after they enter the kitchen Jo: This child's behavior is totally unacceptable! Scene Description: Cartman's front door. Jo walks up and knocks Jo: Well, there's no trial too tough for Super Nanny! In just three days' time you're going to see a new Eric Cartman. Scene Description: Three days later, Slater-Carey Mental Hospital. Inside, a doctor is walking down the hall with Liane Doctor: I'm afraid Super Nanny is in a deep state of mental psychosis. Liane: What do you mean? Doctor: I mean, [looks into the nanny's room, 23A] she spends most of her time sobbing and eating her own excrement. [Liane looks inside through a window. Jo is glued to her toilet seat, eating her own shit.] Jo: [through mouthfuls of poop] From heeell! It's from heeell! Liane: Oh dear. I don't know what else to do about my son's behavioral problems. We've been through every nanny reality show on television. Doctor: Well there... is... one more show you could still try. Scene Description: Dog Whisperer title screen. First scene: two dog owners try to keep their angry dogs away from each other. Second scene, a Chihuahua tries to keep a lampshade his owner is trying to take from him. Next, a man runs through a meadow with four dogs. Next, he's skating down a city street with six dogs on leashes pulling him along. Next, he's training a dog at poolside. Next, he's handling a terribly agitated dog. Next, he's running along a shore with the six dogs he had on leashes earlier, now unleashed. Next, he's giving a dog's leash to its female dog owner. Finally, a montage of silhouettes with Cesar and a bunch of dogs Announcer: When good dogs go bad, there's one man who's their best friend. Cesar Millan. Cesar: No dog is too much for me to handle. I rehabilitate dogs, I train people. I am the dog wheesperer. Scene Description: The Cartman house, day. Cesar approaches the front door and knocks. Liane answers Liane: Please, come in. Scene Description: The living room. Cesar walks in and quickly ignores Cartman Cesar: So tell me what are the problems you are having with the child? Liane: Well, he's just... out of control. I mean, he never listens to me, and he pretty much runs my life. Cesar: So the child needs to learn that he's not the most important person in the house. Cartman: You can stop talkin' behind my back; I'm right here, fruitcake. Cesar: See I'm not looking at the child, I'm not acknowledging the child, I'm just letting the child know I'm not interested in him. Cartman: Not interested in me? Cesar: See the child thinks your world revolves around him, because it does. Because everything he does gets a response from you. Cartman: Yeah, well I don't see why- Cesar: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. Cartman: Hey! Cesar: Don't look at the child; just keep looking at me. Let, let him know we are having a conversation. Cartman: Mom, this guy doesn't- Cesar: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. Cartman: Ah! Quit it! Liane: What what is it that you're doing? Cesar: Dogs show their dominance by nipping each other on the neck, but it works equally well on a child. I just use two fingers, nip at the child's neck, doesn't hurt the child, just let him know I am dominant. Cartman: Look, Mexican, if you really think that you can- Cesar: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. Cartman: KNOCK IT OFF! Cesar: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. See, I'm not validating his bad behavior with either negative or positive response. Liane: Oh, that's very interesting. Cesar: I think the first thing we need to work on is getting the child some exercise. He's fat and he has all this pent-up energy that- Cartman: I'm not fat! Cesar: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. -we need to let him burn off. Do you take walks with your son? Liane: Well, no, I don't. Cesar: Go on, take your son for a walk. Scene Description: Outside. Cesar and Liane are walking along, with Cesar holding Cartman on a leash and harness Cartman: Ey! You think this is funny, you sonofabitch? Cesar: See once again, I am the one going for a walk. It's about me, the child is lucky to come along. Cartman: Mom, this is degrading! Cesar: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. Cartman: Agh! Goddamnit! Aaarrgh! [begins to strain the leash, but can't get loose. He struggles to escape] Cesar: Don't look at him, just look straight ahead and he'll run out of evergy soon. [Cartman tries to get loose from the leash, but Cesar reins him back every time. Cartman starts getting tired.] Cartman: Maaaa. Mommm. [getting hoarse] Mommm. Cesar: Here, why don't you try it now? Take your son. [Liane takes the leash and Cartman goes to her left side] Cartman: Mom, seriously, people are seeing me! Cesar: Good. Just keep your confidence, shoulders back, eyes straight ahead. The child can pick up on that confidence, learning he's supposed to follow you, not lead you. Cartman: Mom, don't you love me? Can't you see I'm unhappy right now? Liane: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. [Cesar is pleased] Cartman: Mom! Cesar: Good, Ms. Cartman. Very good! Scene Description: The Dog Whisperer, back to the show. Announcer: And now, back to the Dog Whisperer. Scene Description: Cesar is in the living room talking with Liane. A bag sits on the floor to his left. Cesar: It is important to understand that dogs run in packs. And one dog is always dominant: the pack leader. Cartman: [on the sofa to Liane's left] God dammit stop ignoring me! Cesar: You must assert yourself as pack leader with dominant energy. Liane: Ahall right. Cartman: This is abuse! I am a child, and I am entitled to attention! Liane: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. Cartman: Quit it, mom! Liane: It doesn't seem to work as well when I do it. Cesar: Okay, let me show you how to express the dominant energy. What I have done is I have brought over some Kentucky Fried Chicken. [pulls a bucket of chicken out of the bag. He and Liane walk away from the sofa] Cartman: Ooo, Colonel? Cesar: I am going to eat first, because that is what the pack leader does. [Cartman hops down from the sofa and goes to the bucket] Cartman: Give, give me the chicken. G-give me some chicken. Cesar: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. Cartman: Eh, what are you doing? I want chicken! Give me some Goddamned chicken! Cesar: I am not going to acknowledge the child's attempt at aggressive dominant behavior. Now you eat the chicken. [hands the bucket to Liane] Cartman: Mom, gimme, give me some chicken; I want some chicken, Mom! Cesar: We won't reward him until he's in a calm submissive behavior. Cartman: [to Cesar] Goddammit, I am not a dog! [turns to Liane and hops up and down like an excited dog] Give me the chicken. Give, give, give me the chicken. I want the chicken! Chicken! [gets shrill] Give me the chicken! Give me the chicken! Give me the chicken! Give me the chicken! Cesar: [observing Cartman] We need him to become relaxed and submissive. Cartman: Gih- [quiets down] Okay, I'm fine. I'm cool now. May I have some chicken please? Liane: Oh, very good, sweetie. Cesar: Oh no, now he's lying. You can tell from his stance he's still aggressive-dominant. Cartman: Suck my asshole, taco vendor! Cesar: See? Cartman: Goddamnit, you can't stand here and eat KFC in front of me! [to Liane] Now hand it over! Cesar: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. Cartman: You can't do that to me, I- Cesar: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. [Cartman sits on the floor] Cartman: Goddamnit, you just can't- Cesar: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. [Cartman is on his back] Cartman: Seriously! Ey? Eh... [he's now fully on his back, calm] Cesar: I am not being aggressive; I am being dominant. Liane: Wow, I have a lot to learn. Cartman: [sits up, then stands] Mom, I am serious! This has gone on long enough! Get that guy out of here and give me a piece of chicken! [Liane ignores him by looking up and away] That's how you want it, bitch?! Fine! [goes upstairs] I hate you! I'm running away! Liane: Oh dear. [Cartman's bedroom door closes] Cesar: It's okay, this is all part of the dominance struggle. Liane: But what if he does run away? Cesar: Let him go. He'll be back. This a good opportunity for you to relax and enjoy your favorite hobby. [they walk toward the kitchen] Scene Description: Stan's living room, later. Stan, Kyle, Butters, and Kenny are playing Monopoly. Butters: [his turn] Oh boy, Park Avenue! I'm rich! [he and the dealer Stan exchange money through Kyle. Cartman enters] Cartman: Hey guys, I've got some pretty big news. [sighs as Kyle takes his turn] I ran away from home. Yeah, my mom just... doesn't care about me anymore, so I moved out. She didn't even try to stop me. It's gonna be tough livin' on my own. But I'll get by, somehow. Stan: [takes his turn] You can't stay here. Cartman: Maybe you didn't hear me! I ran away! I don't have anywhere to sleep! I'm out on the street! Kyle: You're not staying at my house either. Cartman: All right, that's fine! Butters, I'll crash with you. Butters: No, my parents won't let me bring homeless people home anymore. Cartman: Well what do you guys expect me to do?! Stay at Kenny's house?! [Kenny takes his turn] His family's totally poor; I'm not staying with poor people! [play continues] All right, I'll stay with Kenny. Let's go, man. Kenny: (Fuck you.) Cartman: Och! Well, I guess now we see just how supportive friends can be! When the chips are down you won't even lend a hand! I'll just go sleep on the street somewhere! [Butters takes his turn] Out in the cold! Probably get mugged and gang-raped by some minorities! You guys'll be sorry when I turn up dead! [walks out and shuts the front door] Butters: [taking his turn] Whoopie! G and R Railroad! Scene Description: Jimmy's house. The doorbell rings and Jimmy walks over to answer the door. He opens it and sees Cartman there. Cartman: Hey Jimmy. You're not gonna believe this, but... I ran away from home. I just... I really need the support of my best friend right now. Jimmy: Who is your best friend? Cartman: You are, Jimmy! We've always been best friends. We know everything about each other. Jimmy: What's my last name? Cartman: [tries to answer, but can't, so he leaves in a huff] Goddammit! [knocks on another door and Craig answers] Craig, dude, I ran away from home. You're the first person I came to. I knew you'd take me in off the streets. Craig: ...But I hate you. Cartman: ...Should that really matter at a time like this? Scene Description: An alley in downtown South Park, during a rainy moment. Cartman sits next to a trash bin, shielding himself from the rain with some newspaper and some other sheets Cartman: This is bullcrap! Mom'll break soon. I can outlast her. Scene Description: Cartman's house, later. Liane is at the kitchen making a calligraphic painting. The front door closes and Cartman appears Cartman: All right, I'm back. Liane: Oh Eric, I'm so happy you're home. Cartman: Yes, well, hopefully you've learned your lesson! I've come back, but there's going to be some changes around here. Liane: Look what I did, Eric. I learned how to make Sumie paintings. I had almost forgotten how artistic I was. Cartman: That's super-interesting. But I've been out living in the streets for almost four hours! Make me something to eat. Liane: Cesar... Cesar: How is the painting going? Cartman: Aw, Goddammit! Cesar: Oh look, it came back. Liane: Yup, just like you said he would. Cartman: What is he still doing here?! Liane: He said he's hungry. What should I do? Cesar: Well, let's feed it. Scene Description: An hour or so later, they're seated at the dining room table for dinner Cartman: What the hell is this?! Skinless chicken, boiled vegetables and salad?! This is just like Auschwitz! Cesar: This is more aggressive-dominant behavior. Don't nurture it. Cartman: Oh my God. Bite-size Snickers? That's it. I'm calling child-protective services! [gets off and walks to the phone] Cesar: Come on, Ms. Cartman, you must become pack leader. What do you do? Liane: Eric, if you don't want to eat then, why don't you go brush your teeth and go to bed?! Cesar: Nooo, you're asking him a favor. Don't ask a favor, dominate! [they walk up to Cartman, who's ready to dial] Cartman: Mom, I want this guy OUT of here! You got it? If he's not gone, in two minutes, I will call social services on you! Cesar: You project the dominant energy and he will pick up on it. I promise. Shoulder back, head high, don't reason with it, don't argue with it, just dominate it. Cartman: I am your son, and you will listen to me! You have no right to- Liane: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. Cartman: Mon, know it off! I'm not gonna stand for th- Liane: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. [Cartman drops the receiver and sits on the floor] Cartman: Seriously! Mom- Liane: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. Cartman: Seriously! Why are you... doing this-? Liane: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. [Cartman is flat on his back] Cartman: Mom?! Liane: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. Cartman: Mom? Mom... Liane: [makes sure Cartman is relaxed, then stands up and turns to Cesar] I did it! [smiles. Cartman doesn't move] Scene Description: The living room, moments later. Cesar is back on a chair as Liane sits on the sofa Cesar: You see? You're calm, assertive, and in control. [Cartman walks by, looking defeated, glances at Cesar, then at his mom, then sits by his mom on the sofa and cuddles up to her, a little warily] Liane: Oh... Oh my gosh! Cesar: See? This is the behavior we've been looking for. This is a relaxed, submissive state. Liane: He's never done this before. Cesar: Good. Now you can reward the behavior with praise and attention. Liane: I love you very much, poopsiekins. You're Mommy's sunshine. [Cartman sniffs] Cesar: Now you can give him a snack. [Liane offers Cartman a chunk of candy, which Cartman laps up like a dog] Good, this is really good. Now try a command. Liane: Eric, I want you to go upstairs and brush your teeth. Then I'll be up to read you a story before bed. [Cartman doesn't do anything at first, then he hops off the sofa and heads for his room, head down] Oh my goodness. I can't believe it. Cesar: This is a great first step, but you're gonna have to stay firm and confident. You are the pack leader now. Liane: I am the pack leader! [grins] Cesar: Now before you go read your son his story let's go enjoy a nice quiet cup of tea. Liane: Sounds divine! Scene Description: The bathroom. Cartman goes in to brush his teeth. Cartman: Who does she think she is, telling me to go brush my teeth?! [despite his indignation, he looks compeled to follow orders. He gets up on the stool, gets the toothbrush, turns on the cold water, and gets the toothpaste] Jesus. What's happening to me? Scene Description: Café Monet, day. Cesar and Liane wait to be served as a waiter attends other tables al fresco Cesar: So, how is your son doing, Ms. Cartman? Liane: Oh, he's been amazing, Cesar. He got an A on his last spelling test and a B+ in history. He's losing weight and he's doing what I tell him. Cesar: That's greeat! Liane: The best part is I'm not letting him boss me around anymore. I could have never come out and have a nice lunch on a Saturday afternoon with a friend before. Cesar: Good, Ms. Cartman, sounds like you're treating your son like a son and not like a friend. Liane: There's just one problem: he still fights me every step of the way. I feel like he's doing what I tell him, but that inside he's still the same angry spoiled child. Cesar: Don't worry. When you correct the behavior, eventually you will see a change in the personality. Liane: Oh Cesar, I'm so happy to have you in my life. [places her left hand on his right one - closeup shot] Scene Description: Kyle's house, later. The boys have gathered there to play video games. Cartman enters, wearing a blue shirt and combed hair. He looks thinner Cartman: Guys, listen up. I really need your help this time. I've thought about it a lot and I've decided I have to kill my mom. Butters: Kill your mom? Cartman: She doesn't let me wear whatever I want anymore. Things have really gotten out of hand! My mom must die so I can have a place to live, but without her trying to run my life. She's like Hitler with all the demands she makes. Stan: Dude, have you lost more weight? Cartman: Yes! I've lost almost ten pounds now. You see what I mean?? I totally know how it felt to be a Jew in the Holocaust now! I have to kill my mom. It's my only way out. Kyle: Dude, don't kill your mom. That's not cool. Cartman: She's Hitler! Would you have killed Hitler if you had the chance?! [rushes away and gets an easel with some schematics on it] All right now, here's the plan. At 9:45 tonight I will sneak out of my room and leave the house, leaving the back door unlocked. [the plan includes blaming Token for the murder] You guys come into the house at 10:30 p.m. sharp, having given me enough time to get down to Perkins to be seen by everyone there. And then all four of you go upstairs to kill my mom. Stan: Dude, we're not killing your mom. Cartman: Well I can't kill her. I'm too obvious a suspect. Now, when you reach her room, Butters will keep a lookout while Kenny opens the bedroom door, Kyle puts a pillow over my mom's head, and Stan shoots her in the face. Stan: Where am I supposed to get a gun? Cartman: Well I don't know. That's your job, Stan! Do I have to think of everything here?! Stan: I'm not shooting anybody. Cartman: Okay, fine. Butters, you cover my mom's head with a pillow and Kyle can shoot her in the face. Kyle: NO, Cartman! Cartman: Oh! Well how about I do everything?! How does that sound?! I'll just do everything while you guys sit here and play video games?! [the boys ignore him. He gets pissed off and walks away with the easel] Fine! I'll do it by myself! Scene Description: Cartman's house, night, the master bedroom. Liane is sleeping in her bed. The door cracks open and light enters the room. A silhouette of Cartman and a sharp object rises from the floor. Cartman walks in with a roll of paper towels in his left hand and a large kitchen knife in his right hand. He climbs the bed and stands over her. Cartman: You forced me to do this! You couldn't just love me as a son. [Liane moves a bit] You just had to humiliate and degrade me with your rules. I won't let you dominate my life anymore! [he moves the knife to a stabbing position] Goodbye, Mother. [about to deliver the fatal stab, he trembles for a few seconds, but his conscience gets a hold of him. Cartman relaxes a bit] Cartman's conscience: Wait. Maybe I don't have the right to kill my mom. Cartman: [shakes it off] No! She's my mom, I can do whatever I want with her! It's more important that I live the way I want! Cartman's good side: She isn't an object you can own. She's a human being. Cartman: She isn't an object I can own. Sh-she's a human being. Cartman's bad side: No, she's just... out to make you suffer! Cartman: Ugh. Eh. Maybe all these changes are good for me. Maybe... Cartman's good side: The world doesn't revolve around me? Cartman: [hops off the bed, dropping the knife and roll of paper as he heads for the door] Maybe the world doesn't revolve around me. [stops and vomits some pretty black stuff. Could be the evil in him] Cartman's good side: The world doesn't revolve around me! Cartman's bad side: Idiot! [Cartman pounds the floor and gets up. For a moment he turns into a snowy screen, then into a red silhouette, snowy screen, back and forth as he fights his sides leaving his mom's room and going to his. At his door he turns into a blob, which is added to the silhouette and screen effects until he passes out in the hallway] Scene Description: Morning at the Cartman house. Liane has showered and dressed, and enters the room with the knife and roll of paper towels Cartman left in her room the night before. She's wondering how they got there. She might have asked Cartman how they got into her room, but she's more shocked by what she sees next. Cartman is at the table doing his math homework and eating breakfast at the same time, quietly Liane: Why Eric, you made your own breakfast. Cartman: Yeah Mom, it's okay. It's grapefruit and lean ham. Liane: And you're studying before school? Cartman: Well, you told me I had to review my homework before class started. Liane: [a tear escapes her left eye] Oh, Eric. I'm very proud of you. Cartman: Tha... thank you? Liane: I love you, sweetie. Cartman: 'K Mom, you're embarrassing me, jeez. [the doorbell rings and Liane goes to answer the door] Liane: Cesar. I'm so happy you're back. Cesar: How is the child doing? Liane: Oh, he's amazing. I think the change in personality happened. He's doing things for himself now, and he seems to be accepting it. I've lost a best friend, but I've gained a son. Cesar: That's much healthier for him, and when he gets older he'll be able to be your friend too. Liane: You're the best, Cesar, and to show my gratitude I've got two tickets for you and me to see Madame Butterfly this Friday night. Cesar: Well no, my work is done. I've got to get back to Los Angeles. Liane: Oh... But I thought we were becoming friends. Cesar: No, not really. You're just a client. Well, good luck to you. Gotta go. [turns around and walks away. Cartman shows up soon after] Cartman: I cleared up the table, Mom. I'm gonna go upstairs and make my bed now. [waits a bit, then turns to go to his room. Liane turns around] Liane: Eric, how would you like to go with me to see Madame Butterfly Friday night? Cartman: No, that's okay. Besides, I told Stan and Kyle we could work on our science project then. Liane: Well, what if I took you to Kentucky Fried Chicken afterward? [Cartman blinks, Liane genuflects] And then we'll go to Target and buy you a Mega Ranger. Cartman: Could I... perhaps have... two Mega Rangers? Liane: [hugs him] Yes, darling. You can have whatever you want. [A beatific smile appears on Cartman's face as foreboding music plays.]

Scene Description: Scenes from the World of Warcraft are shown. Various beings mill around. The camera pans down and a red-bearded dwarf walks into view. Cartman: [as the dwarf, with mallet] Oh, dude! I just took the biggest crap. Hey-where are you guys? Kyle: [voice only] We're over here, by the cart. [POV switches to three other characters - a blue knight, a green lady, and an orange knight stand around waiting for the dwarf. The dwarf walks into the group] Cartman: Okay, I'm back. Stan: [the blue knight, with sword and shield] Dude! We've been waiting forever! Cartman: Well, I'm sorry, I had to take a dump! Kyle: [the green lady with big breasts] If you didn't eat so much, you wouldn't have diarrhea all the time, fatass! Cartman: Hey, I don't need to take any lip from a frickin' girl! Kenny: [orange knight] [mumbles, then] (I think Kyle has fake titties, hahahaha) Cartman: Heheh, totally, heheh. Kyle: Come on, we have to finish the quest in Stonehaven. [walks off, and the others follow] Randy: [voice only] Stan? [Stan stops] Stan? Stan: H-hang on, guys, my dad wants something. Randy: Stan! Scene Description: Randy's den. Stan removes his headset and furiously glares at Randy. Stan: What?! Randy: [displeased] You've been on your computer all weekend. Shouldn't you go out and socialize with your friends? Stan: [swivels around to face his dad] I am socializing, r-tard. I'm logged on to an MMORPG with people from all over the world, and getting XP with my party using TeamSpeak. Randy: [stares, then gets dejected] ...I'm not a r-tard. [turns and leaves. Stan returns to his game] Scene Description: World of Warcraft, the land of Azeroth. Stan: All right, sorry guys. So where to now? Kyle: See where I am? It's this way. [Stan joins the group. Kyle's character turns around, realizes its mistake, and jumps back around] Cartman: Yeah, come on, let's go! [the four now walk abreast] I am the mightiest dwarf in all of Azeroth! Kyle: Wow, look at all these people playing right now. Cartman: Yeah, it's bullcrap. I'll bet half of these people are Koreans. Stan: [stops and motions] Oh crap! It's that guy again! [a player approaches them and begins to dance. The character is wearing a helmet, boots, elbow-length gloves, and tight shorts. No shirt, no other armor] Kyle: Who is this? Stan: This is the guy that kept killing us after you went to bed! Cartman: Get out of here, asshole! Stan: He's a way higher level than us. It isn't fair. Kyle: It's all right. He can't kill us unless we agree to duel. [the ganker jabs at Kenny, who immediately dies.] Stan: Oh my God, he killed Kenny! Kyle: [in a soft feminine voice, makes a fist and holds it up for emphasis] You bastard! [the ganker stabs Kyle and then Stan, who both drop and die] Cartman: Don't you have better things to do than going online killing people?! [the ganker begins generating power] No! I don't want them to start over at the graveyard! [the ganker shoots a fireball at Cartman] No! [the fireball hits and Cartman falls face down and dies.] Scene Description: Cartman's room. Cartman looks stunned, then throws down his headset Cartman: That son of a bitch! Scene Description: Gerald's den. Kyle: Who is that guy? Scene Description: Randy's den. Stan: [head resting on left hand] Whoever he is, he is one tough badass. Scene Description: The rogue's apartment. The rogue is actually an obese man who's taken to leaning back and playing WoW. Empty soda cans and candy wrappers litter his pad. A red glow emanates from his computer through a clear side panel. He continues playing while adjusting his glasses Scene Description: Blizzard Gaming Entertainment, day, exterior. Lovely architecture. Scene Description: Blizzard Gaming Entertainment, interior. A pool of telephone representatives fields incoming calls. Rep: [female] World of Warcraft support line. Stan: Yeah, we bought your game, and played it online, but every time we log in, some other player comes in and kills us! Rep: O..ohhh that shouldn't happen. We designed the game so that players have to agree to a duel before they can kill each other. Stan: Yeah? Well this guy does it anyway! Cartman: He's a God damned butthole! Rep: Really? That's odd. [her co-worker approaches. She muffles the mic to talk to him] More people calling in about their characters getting killed. [removes her hand] Co-Worker: Oh no. Rep: Well, we'll certainly keep a look out for that player and ban him from the network. [She muffles the mic] Better tell the guys upstairs. Scene Description: Blizzard Gaming Entertainment, executive boardroom. President: Fellow board members, we have a problem: somebody in the World of Warcraft is ignoring the World's rules...and is going around killing innocent players.. Member 1: Why kill innocent players? The game is about finishing quests. Member 2: We've got to delete him from the servers. President: We can't. Whoever this player is, he has played World of Warcraft so much, that he has reached a level we thought unreachable. He's actually able to kill our admins. And he grows stronger every day. Member 3: Jesus... Jim: [rises from his chair] I've gotta get home! My kids are playing World of Warcraft right now! President: Jim, your kids' characters are already dead. Jim: No... [sinks back into his seat] No... [frustrated] They just started playing! Member 2: What kind of person would do this? President: [walks back to the end of the table, by the doors] Only one kind. Whoever this player is, he has played World of Warcraft nearly every hour of every day for the past year and a half. Gentlemen, we are dealing with someone here who...has absolutely no life. Member 3: How do you kill...that which has no life? [the question hangs there for a long time...] Scene Description: USGS. Randy is working in a much better environment now - much more modern office, with several LCD screens around. Randy is online Nelson: [walks into view] Randy, you workin' on that sediment analysis? Randy: Not now, Nelson. I just joined a big party of night elves and we're gonna explore the Tower of Azora together. Nelson: [walks up to Randy's desk] Is that a computer game? Randy: No, r-tard, it's an MMORPG. These are real people I'm playing with. See, I'm a hunter, level 2. [he moves his blond character around] I can chat with all these other people. I can even wave to this guy, see? [demonstrates.] "Hello." [the character waves back] In the outside world, I'm a simple geologist, but in here...I am Falcorn, Defender of the Alliance. I've braved the Fargodeep mine and defeated the Bloodfish at Jarod's Landing. [the griefer returns and stabs Falcorn in the back, killing him, then walks away] Nelson: Hm. Looks like that guy just killed you. [turns around and walks away] Randy: What?? Why?? Why?! Scene Description: Cartman's basement. Most of the boys in class are seated in chairs, listening to Cartman. In the back row are Tweek, Jimmy, Kevin, and Jason. In the middle row are Clyde, Token, Butters, and Timmy. In the front row are Craig, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny. Cartman: My friends: as you all know, some giant butthole keeps logging onto Warcraft and killing all our characters. Kyle: The past...four nights we've tried to play, he shows up and kills us! Craig: He killed my character right in the middle of a quest! Tweek: Mine too! Cartman: We've learned that the four of us can't fight him alone. But, if we all log in together!, we might have a chance. Token: Hey yeah! Jimmy: We can really stick it to that assm-m-muncher! Clyde: Are you guys dumb? We can't beat him, even with all of us. It's a waste of time. Stan: Dude, we have to try. Clyde: I've got better things to do. Cartman: Clyde, Clyde! [moves around his podium to talk to Clyde more directly] If you had a chance right now to go back in time and stop Hitler, wouldn't you do it? [beat] I mean, I personally wouldn't stop him because I think he was awesome, but you would, right? Clyde: [unshaken] I'm just gonna stop playing. Cartman: When Hitler rose to power there were a lot of people who just stopped playing. You know who those people were? The French! Are you French, Clyde? Clyde: No. Cartman: Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, Clyde? (Would you like to sleep with me, Clyde?) Clyde: All right all right, I'll do it! Jimmy: So what's the p-plan? Cartman: All right, you all login from your computers at precisely 7:30. [walks up to a map of their quest] We will meet here, on the plains of the elven forest near Westfall. My friends, to victory! All: To victory! Butters: I don't play World of Warcraft. Cartman: Butters, you said you were on your computer all the time! Butters: Yeah, but I'm playing Hello Kitty Island Adventure. Cartman: Butters, go buy World of Warcraft, install it on your computer, and join the online sensation before we all murder you. Butters: O-oh, o-oh, a-alright. All right then. Scene Description: World of Warcraft, near Westfall. The camera looks upon a meadow, then pans down to show a group of characters. Cartman is marshaling his forces. Cartman: All right, you guys, this is it! When the attack begins, all warriors click on defensive stance. Everyone else, wait for Craig to cast his intellect buff. Token: [playing a black warrior] Okay. Craig: Got it. Cartman: The battle is sure to be long, so make sure you all have your special abilities macroed to your keyboards. Jimmy: All right, Eric. You can c-c-count on us. Timmy: Timmy! Cartman: This shall be a day for all to remember! Let us bravely charge the fields of Azeroth! [another dwarf walks in looking just like Cartman's dwarf] From with- Butters: Hey fellas! [Cartman's dwarf looks over] Boy, this is neato, huh? Cartman: Butters? What the hell are you doing? Butters: I got World of Warcraft, like you said. Cartman: You can't be the dwarf character, Butters, I'm the dwarf. Butters: Well, there's only like four races to choose from- Cartman: So pick another one! I'm the dwarf, you stupid asshole! Log out, create a new character, and log back in! Butters: [walks off grumbling] I like Hello Kitty Island Adventure a lot more 'n this stuff. Stan: Come on, let's do this! Jason: Yeah, my mom says I have to be in bed at 9:30. Cartman: [turns around and leads] Then let's move out! [the others charge after him] Scene Description: A field. The ganker walks along his merry way, but with one armswing he slaughters other players nearby with an energy blast. It's a very effective move. Stan: Look! There he is! Cartman: Everyone hold! [everyone stops in their tracks. The ganker turns around and faces them.] Kyle: He's targeting us. Cartman: Prepare to charge! Scroll over him with your mouse cursors! And...Right-click! [that sends the group charging at the ganker, who responds by summoning an army of giant scorpions] What the? Oh Jesus, he summoned scorpions! [the actual rogue player is shown in his apartment, leaning back on his chair and playing without needing to think very much about what to do next. His character and scorpions decimate the group] Tweek: Aaaa! [his character runs all over the place, with no one offering to smother him and put out the flames] I'm burning! Oh Jesus I'm burning! [a scorpion kills Kenny's character nearby] Jimmy: Kenny's down. K-k-kenny is down. [Tweek is still burning, running around] Ike: [purple mage] I'm gonna poop on my pants. Kyle: Ike, look out! [the ganker rushes in and stabs him in the back] Ike: Aah Kyle! [Ike is out of the game. Stan runs through a group of scorpions] Cartman: All right, Clyde, hit him with your crossbow! [Clyde's character looks like he's about to aim a crossbow] Hit him now, Clyde! Clyde? Clyde! [Clyde is at his computer, but not participating in the game. He's looking at Playboy centerfolds.] Clyde! Clyde, you asshole! [rushes to join the others] Goddammit we lost Clyde! Scene Description: Nearby, Stan is fending off scorpions, and the blond hunter walks up. Randy: Hey, Stan, can I play with you guys? [Stan's character turns around] Stan: Dad?? Randy: Yeah, I'm playing from the office. Stan: Dad, get off our teamspeak line! Token: [the ganker kills him] That's it, I'm dead! Stan: [the ganker kills him. He throws off his headset again] That's it, screw this game! Cartman: No, leave me alone, don't do- [the ganker stabs Cartman with his dagger through the mallet] god, dugh [Cartman dies, and the ganker skips away. Cartman screams into his mic, then throws down his headset] God-fucking-dammit!!! [meanwhile, in his apartment, the ganker just keeps plugging along.] Scene Description: The Blizzard boardroom. Member 3: Oh Jesus...Oh God no... President: What? Member 3: He just finished killing every single player in the Arathi Highlands. Member 1: How many people's characters were in there? Member 2: Over five thousand. [some of the members sit down. Member 1 rises] Member 1: There are over seven million people who log on to World of Warcraft! Are you telling me all those people's characters are going to die, and there's nothing we can do to save them? President: Yes. And it won't be long before everyone gets really really frustrated and stops playing altogether. Gentlemen, this could very well lead to the end of the World...of Warcraft. Member 5: [grabs his head] No! Nooooooooo! Scene Description: The neighborhood park. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are playing basketball. Cartman enters the park. Cartman: What the hell are you guys doing?? Don't tell me you all quit playing World of Warcraft too?! Stan: Dude, we're done. we're sick of getting killed all the time. Cartman: Guys, when things look bad, you can't just give up on the world. Of Warcraft. Kyle: We don't have a choice, dude. That guy killed our characters 14 times. Cartman: I have a solution, you guys. That guy can kill us so easily because he's a super-high level, right? What if we were super-high level too? Stan: We can't get to a higher level because that dude doesn't let us finish quests! Cartman: That's why we just need to log in and stay in the forest, killing boars. Kyle: Boars? Cartman: There's lots of computer-generated boars in Warcraft that die with just one blow. Kyle: Dude, boars are only worth two experience points apiece. Do you know how many we would have to kill to get up 30 levels? Cartman: Yes. [whips out a sheet full of calculations] Sixty-five million three hundred and forty thousand two hundred and eighty five. Which should take us seven weeks five days thirteen hours and twenty minutes, giving ourselves three hours a night to sleep. What do you say, guys? You can just...you can just hang outside in the sun all day tossin' a ball around, [firmly] or you can sit at your computer and do somethin' that matters. Scene Description: World of Warcraft. "Live to Win" by Paul Stanley begins to play. The four friends are back in the forest looking for boars. They slaughter the boars as they come upon the groups of them. Cartman chugs down energy drinks and has doughnuts and other sweets around his keyboard. He wipes his mouth dry with his jacket sleeve. In the McCormick living room Kenny plays while his parents argue in the background. In Gerald's den, Ike nourishes Kyle on the fly. The days fly by, starting at September 3...During recess and lunch, as the other kids play outside as usual, the boys are at computers at the school's computer lab playing WoW. As Tweek, Craig, Clyde, Kevin, and Token play football in the street outside, Stan plays WoW in his room. Day passes into night and back into day... Paul Stanley: Live to win, 'till you die, 'till the light dies in your eyes!Live to win, take it all, just keep fighting till you fall! Day by day, kickin' all the way, I'm not cavin' inLet another round begin, live to winYeah! [...and back into night...Stan's first pimples appear and his face is fatter.]Live! [More pimples appear, and his hair begins to look matted]Yeah!Win! [He's gotten fatter than Cartman normally is, to the point where he's too fat to wear his jacket anymore] Scene Description: The Blizzard boardroom. Executives are monitoring the gameplay. Member 3: Sir, you'd better have a look at this! Four of our subscribers...They've gone up fifty levels in three weeks. President: My God...they must have no lives at all. Member 3: A hope? President: A chance. Paul Stanley: Live to win, 'till you die, 'till the light dies in your eyesLive to win, take it all, just keep fighting 'till you fallDay by day, kickin' all the way, I'm not cavin' inLet another round begin, live to winLive to winLive to winYeah, win. Scene Description: Kyle's room, 6:30 a.m. He rises from bed, which means he went to bed at 3:30 a.m. He's gotten as big and pimply as Stan. He hops out of bed, heads for his father's den and then to the computer and logs into the game to slaughter more boars. Kyle: Dude, my mouse-clicking finger hurts. Cartman: Keep clicking, Kyle! You can do it! Scene Description: Kenny's playing from the living room. Stan is at his dad's computer now, and Randy looks in on him. Stan earns an xp of 142. Cartman has gotten so big he looks like Jabba the Hutt. His fingers are shown up close typing away. Kyle flexes his right wrist and fingers to get circulation back in them, them resumes playing the game. More boar slaughter ensues. Next, Cartman is shown on the toilet crapping away and reading the World of Warcraft game manual. Stan's left hand is shown typing away. Kenny's still at it, but he's not as big as Stan is now. Stan looks like a huge baby...with pimples. Back at school, the boys are back in the computer lab playing away. As the music ends, Cartman raises his fist seemingly in victory Scene Description: The Blizzard boardroom, night. The president looks out over the city from the boardroom. He stands at a table in front of the window, on which stand some WoW statuettes. President: The admins tell us they are four players from a small town in Colorado. Member 1: Are they strong enough to defeat the Evil One? Member 5: [wearing a black T-shirt with the green words "Dwarf Needs FOOD!" on it] We ran the numbers: even with their amazing rise in levels, they have a 90% mortality probability. They'd be walking in a slaughter! Member 1: There has to be...someway we can help them. Member 6: What about...the Sword of a Thousand Truths? Member 7: Quiet, Thomas! We aren't even to speak of that sword! Thomas: But maybe these new players are the ones the prophecy foretold of. Member 7: It is not an option! Thomas: What is this sword? President: Long ago, when the World of Warcraft was created, one of the programmers put a sword called the Sword of a Thousand Truths into the game inventory. Apparently it could cause 120 damage per second, with an instant mana burn and an enchantment that boosts its stamina +80. Member 7: But the sword was considered to be too powerful for anyone to possess. So it was removed from the game and stored on a one-gig flash drive. Thomas: But it was foretold that one day, players who could wield the sword might reveal themselves. Member 1: Who foretold this prophecy? President: Soltzman. He's an accountant. Scene Description: The accountants' room, night. The executives open the door and walk in slowly, softly. Member 1 opens the top drawer and pulls out a small safe, gets the key and opens it. The President reaches in side and pulls out the small flash drive. President: Behold, the Sword of a Thousand Truths. [the flash drive gets its close-up] We must get this sword to the ones who have proven they have no life. Let's just hope to Christ they don't start the battle before we can reach them. Scene Description: Cartman's basement, night. The boys have taken their computers and assembled them in the basement. They are all now connected and online. Cartman: All right, you guys. The Moment of Truth is here. It is time for our final battle. Everyone, log in! Stan: I'm in. Kyle: Me too. Kenny: (Me too.) Cartman: [begins to slur his speech ever so slightly, giving it a blasé feel] Everyone equip healing potions to the hotbar if you haven't already. Uh, Kyle, go ahead and cast Arcane Brilliance to raise our intelligence. Kyle: Hang on, I'm chaining my fire spells for max range. Cartman: Nice. Stan, what enchantment does your Cloak of the Tiger have? Stan: +15 agility. Cartman: Give the cloak to Kenny, he needs the agility boost for bow attacks. Stan: 'K. Kyle: Hold on, this fight could last more than twelve hours. What if we run out of food? Cartman: Don't worry, I have that covered. [pressed a button on a small intercom on his desk] Mom? Liane: Yes hon? Cartman: More Hot Pockets! Liane: [answering at the other end] Right away, hon. [Cartman turns it off] Stan: That's übercool. Cartman: All right, everyone ready? Kyle/Stan: Ready. Cartman: Let's go get him! [the battle begins. The rogue is playing with the right hand, eating a cookie with the left.] Stan: Wait, I think I see him. Yeah, yeah, he's here in Goldshire. Cartman: Okay, everyone open your uplifts and autolocate to Stan. Kyle: What's the autolocate macro? Cartman: Command-0. [sniffs] Kyle: Okay, right behind Stan. Cartman: Kenny, get ready to turn on true-shot aura. At that moment, I will use intimidating shout. Stan: Okay, he sees us...He's targeted us. Cartman: Okay, hit him with pyroblast, Kyle. Kyle: Casting...there's an 8-second cast time. Cartman: Aren't you spec'd to reduce cast time? Kyle: No, ah, I'm an arcane fire mage. Cartman: Christ... Kyle: Cast on him again. Cartman: Everyone target scorpions. Scene Description: World of Warcraft, final battle. The four boys are attacking the ganker, who's just defending himself right now, mostly attacking Kenny. Seventeen hours later...the rogue is sitting up, signifying that he's paying attention now that the boys have battled him this long without dying. Meanwhile, the President of Blizzard and Member 1 arrive at Stan's house. Member 1 bangs on the door. The door opens Randy: Yes? Member 1: We are looking for a great knight by the name of LovesToSpooge. Randy: That's my son's character's name in Warcraft. President: Where is he?! Randy: Who are you? President: Sir, we don't have time! We just heard from our admins that your son's party is already in battle! Member 1: Unless they have this sword, [pulls out the flash drive] your son's character is going to die! Randy: [close-up, Randy's eyes widen] Nn-Oh my God! [drops his coffee cup and runs upstairs. The two other men look at each other and follow] Scene Description: Back in the World of Warcraft the battle continues. Cartman: Kyle! Fire spell! Kyle: Aaaa... [starts generating the spell, but it abruptly goes out] AH! Huh?! [his character grabs her right wrist with her left hand] Stan: Kyle! [Kyle leaves his desk grabbing onto his right hand, then flexes his right wrist around. Stan leaves his desk and approaches him] Kyle! Dude, what's wrong? Kyle: Carpal tunnel! Carpal tunnel! It's aaaah! [pain shoots through his wrist as he continues flexing his wrist and stretching his fingers] Stan: Oh, Jesus, he's got it bad! [Cartman walks over] Cartman: Wait, we need Ben-Gay. [waddles to Kenny's desk desk and pulls out a tube of the stuff, then walks back and squirts some of it onto Kyle's right wrist, then rubs it in.] Stan: Hurry dude! Cartman: I'm going as fast as I can! Stan: Kyle, you have to keep playing. Kyle: I can't. Just leave me behind. Stan: We can't do this without you now! Come on! [he and Cartman help Kyle back to his computer] Scene Description: Stan's room. The computer is missing. Randy and the two executives run in Randy: Stan?! Stan! [turns around and sees Sharon walk by with the laundry] Sharon, where is Stan?! Sharon: I don't know. He took his computer somewhere to play that stupid online game. Member 1: Stupid? Randy: Where?! Sharon: I don't know. Randy: Sharon, his character is going to die if we don't get to him! Sharon: So what? The three men: So what?! [Sharon rolls her eyes and walks away] President: We're too late. Without the sword the players will fail. Member 1: I-if we could get to a computer, we could sign on to the World of Warcraft and give the boys the sword online. President: I don't have a World of Warcraft account. Do you? Member 1: No, I have a life. [the men fall silent] Randy: Give me the sword. Member 1: You? Randy: I have a Warcraft character. I'm a newb, but I can log on and get the sword to Stan online. Member 1: We can't trust the Sword of a Thousand Truths to a newb! Randy: Sounds to me like we don't have a choice! Give me the sword. [Member 1 kneels and reverently gives the USB drive to Randy. Randy holds it above his head like an actual sword] Ahhhh. Come on, we've got to get to a computer that works! [runs out of the house with the other two men behind him] Scene Description: Outside, night, snowing. Randy: Where's your car? Member 1: We took a cab here! Randy: Dammit, mine's in the shop! [runs out into the street] Uh hey! Eh help! Stop! [a car slows down] Please, it's an emergency! [the driver opens his door, Randy yanks him out and knocks him out with one punch. Randy and the other two men get in the car and speed away. The driver comes to and looks on. Randy is now on his cell phone] Nelson! Nelson, I need to come over and use your computer! No, I d-I need to play World of Warcraft! NELSON! Scene Description: The rogue's apartment, day. He's eating tortilla chips. Part of one falls onto his shirt. He looks at it and scoots it off, then goes back to playing without missing a beat. Scene Description: Cartman's basement. The boys haven't missed a beat either. Cartman: All right, major stone shield potions should be...Oh God, I'm going to have diarrhea again. Ohhh...Duuuh... Stan: You can't go to the bathroom, you're stacking sunder armor! Cartman: It's okay. [clicks on the intercom] Mom? Bathroom! Liane: What hon? Cartman: Bathroom! Bathroom! [clicks off. A second later Liane goes into the basement with a bedpan. Cartman senses this and lowers his pants as Liane positions the bedpan in place. Cartman lets go and a log comes out first, followed by a spattering stream of crap. Some of it ends up on the floor, some of it on Liane's blouse. Nasty.] Liane: Oohh, that's a big boy, isn't he? [walks away with the poop. Cartman lifts his pants back in place without cleaning his ass] Cartman: All right, Kenny, drink your elixir of the mongoose. I'm now going to use mocking blow. Scene Description: The road, night. Randy hangs up and rests his cell phone when he notices a Best Buy off to his left. He pulls into the parking lot and runs into the store. He grabs a greeter. Randy: World of Warcraft! I need to play! Greeter: Our demo is set up right over by the- [Randy runs to the demo. A small boy is playing the game. Randy shoves him off and logs him out.] Randy: Got to...sign in...character name...All right, I'm in! [puts on the headset] Scene Description: Cartman's basement. Stan: Dude, I'm almost dead. Cartman: Kyle, cast arcane missiles! Kyle: I'm out of mana, I told you. Scene Description: Within the game. Stan: [his character leaves the battle] I've gotta heal. [his character turns to see the battle] Randy: Staaan! [Stan's character looks around trying to determine where the voice is coming from, then turns around] Stan: Dad? Not now! Randy: Stan! I've been sent here...to bring you this. [holds the Sword of a Thousand Truths aloft] This sword can completely drain his mana. Stan: Dad, how did you get that?! Randy: No time! Just take it! Here! [the sword stays fixed to his left hand] ...How, how do you hand something from one player to another? Stan: Bring up your inventory screen: Control-I... Randy: Okay. [The ganker notices the lull in action and faces Stan. Cartman is alarmed and spins around to look at Stan.] Cartman: Stan, what the hell are you doing?! [the ganker runs and leaps toward Stan and Randy] Stan: I got it! [the ganker stabs Randy and Randy goes down] Randy: Augh! Stan: Dad! Randy: Stan... [falls down face first] Stan: Dad, no! [turns around to face the ganker] You killed my father. [walks up to the ganker and strikes him with one blow of the sword. The ganker's defenses start to crack.] Cartman: His shield and armor spells are down! Kyle: Attack! [Kenny quickly takes his bow and arrow and fires an arrow into the ganker's chest. Kyle fires an energy ball at the ganker. The energy ball knocks the knife from the ganker's hand and disables him some more. He falls to the ground on all fours, and the dwarf approaches him, ready to smash the ganker's head in with the mallet] Cartman: Looks like you're about to get pwned. [swings back and then pulls the mallet forward] Heeyeah! [the mallet smashed the ganker's head into little bloody pieces.] Scene Description: The rogue's apartment. The rogue sits at his desk as usual, but now his mouth is slightly open in astonishment. Random noises follow, and his game is through. Scene Description: Within the game, Stan throws away the Sword of a Thousand Truths and rushes up to his father's dying character. He shakes the character around a bit Stan: Dad? Dad? Randy: [answers] Staaan. [falters a bit, but Stan holds him up] I've never been able to say this before, but...I love you, son. Stan: I know you do, Dad. Randy: [swats Stan's hand away] Augh! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... Scene Description: Cuts to Randy continuing the melodrama at the demo desk in Best Buy. Member 1: They did it! President: Our world is saved! [Randy smiles] Scene Description: Within the game. The boys' characters gather around the fallen ganker. Other characters appear and gather around the group Man 1: They did it! They killed him! [leaves his hiding place. Others follow] Man 2: They did it! Woman: They killed him! We can come out! Cartman: Yes! Stan: We did it! Cartman: Yeah! Scene Description: Cartman's basement. Stan: Yeah. Kyle: Yeah yeah. Cartman: All right, yay. Kenny: (Woohoo! Oh man!) Cartman: We did it you guys. We're totally heroes. Kyle: That was such über pwnage Stan: I can't believe it's all over. What do we do now? Cartman: What do you mean? Now we can finally play the game. Kyle: Oh yeah. Cartman: Okay Kenny, add Eyes of the Beast to your hotbar. Stan, check your fury talents to boost your shots. Stan: Got it.

Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Fourth Grade classroom, day. Mrs. Garrison launches into her lesson Mrs. Garrison: And so, class, that is when Joe Lee countered back to Aniston and said things like- [the door opens and Mr. Mackey enters the classroom, looking quite pissed. Mr. Mackey walks by Mrs. Garrison without saying a word] Oh hello, Mr. Mackey. Mr. Mackey: [faces the class] All the girls go out in the hall please? I need to speak with the boys of this class, m'kay? [the girls leave their seats and go into the hall] Boys, we have a very serious problem! I've just come from the men's restroom, and somebody went number 2 in the urinal! [Mrs. Garrison's jaw drops at the behavior, then she gets concerned. The boys just blink at Mr. Mackey] Butters: What's a urinal? Stan: A wall toilet for peeing in. Mr. Mackey: And some jokester took a poop in it! Okay? Now I want whoever did it to come forward right now, and it will be less painful for everybody! M'kay?! Jimmy: Who would take a d-dump in a urinal? It's such a s-senseless crime. Cartman: Mr. Mackey, I think you might want to entertain that this is some kind of conspiracy, just like 9/11. Kyle: Oh God, here we go again! 9/11 was not a conspiracy, fatass! Cartman: Oh really?! Do you just believe everything you're told, Kyle? Mr. Mackey: Excuse me!! Could we get back to the issue, please?! You all don't seem to understand how serious this is!! Now who made dookie in the urinal?! [the boys just laugh] Oh, you think it's funny, huh?! M'kay! M'kay! You're gonna think it's real funny when the police get here! Scene Description: Men's- er, Boys' Room, later. The police are in there with Mr. Mackey. Police tape has been placed around the urinal Officer 1: I'm sorry, Mr. Mackey, but there just isn't really any evidence to go on. Mr. Mackey: But there must have been some motive. Nobody would just dook in the urinal for no reason. Officer 1: But who would benefit from crapping in the urinal? Uh this is too big a mystery for me. I think we'd better call in the Hardly Boys. Scene Description: A montage of the Hardly Boys follows. The following titles appear: The Secret of the Lost Tunnel, The Hooded Hawk Mystery, The Clue of the Broken Blade, The Mystery of the Spiral Bridge... Narrator: The Hardly Boys. Two young whippersnappers with a knack for solving mysteries. The Hardly Boys in: [the cover of book 37 is shown] The Mystery of the Urinal Turd. Scene Description: The Hardly Boys are now with the police officer in front of the boys' room. Mr. Mackey observes nearby. The Boys have screwed-up smiles, suggesting buck teeth Officer 1: So, that's it, Hardly Boys, we've got no leads and nobody admitting to the crime. Frank: That sure is a mystery. Joe: Yeah, it sounds super-hard. Frank: Whoever did it must have been angry with the school. Oh... Oooo... I think I'm getting a clue. Joe: F-really? Frank: Yeah, this is totally giving me a clue right now. Joe: [turns to Frank] Oh... I'm starting to get a clue too. Frank: My clue is kind of pointing this way. Joe: [moves to his left, to where Frank's clue is pointing] Ohhgh. Yeah, now I've got a total clue. Frank: I've still got a raging clue. Joe: [turns right] My clue's pointing over there now! Frank: Oh, let's follow that clue! [move off to the right and away from the boys' room.] Scene Description: The school bell rings and the kids pour out into the hall Stan: Did they find out who crapped in the urinal yet? Kyle: Not yet. Cartman: They aren't going to find out who did it. But they'll make up a scapegoat, send him to detention, and make us all believe it. It'll be 9/11 all over again. Kyle: Will you shut up about 9/11! Cartman: Kyle, why are you so afraid of the truth?! Kyle: Because anybody who thinks 9/11 was a conspiracy is a retard! Cartman: Oh really? Well did you know that over one-fourth of people in America think that 9/11 was a conspiracy? Are you saying that one-fourth of Americans are retards? Kyle: Yes. I'm saying one-fourth of Americans are retards. Stan: Yeah, at least one-fourth. Kyle: Let's take a test sample: There's four of us, you're a retard, that's one-fourth. Cartman: ...There are soo many people who know the truth, Kyle. Uh Butters! [sees Butters walking towards the group] Butters: Hey, fellas! Cartman: Butters, do you think 9/11 was just a plot by some angry terrorists, or do you think there was some kind of coverup? Butters: Well, I heard that 9/11 was caused by President Bush. Cartman: Aha! Do you see? Kyle: Where did you hear that? Butters: [points] From Eric. Cartman: I rest my case. Kyle: [walks up and stands next to Butters] Butters, you don't really believe that, do you? Butters: Well, l-uh, I mean, uh, you never know. Uh, the government does some pretty spooky things. The government and the corporations headed by the Jews that tear down 9/11. Cartman: That's right, Butters. Kyle: Goddamnit, you see what happens when you spread this stupid crap, fatass? Cartman: What? People see the truth? Butters: Can I go now? Cartman: You guys are blind! I can't believe that everyone here is just buying into what they're told by the media! [begins to move away from the boys] I'm gonna go find out the truth. I'm gonna blow the lid off this whooole 9/11 conspiracy once and for all! [goes around a corner and disappears] Kyle: [rolls his eyes] Oh no... Scene Description: Montage. Cartman exits the school as the camera is in a position to watch him pass under the U.S. Flag. Next, he scours the Web for information on 9/11. He looks at the sites with a critical eye. Next, he goes to the library to find more in-depth information. Among the books Cartman is reading are "Security Tyrrany" and "How the Towers Fell." He goes up on a hill and sees the whole town laid out before him. He returns to the boys' room and analyzes the urinal. He makes himself some tea and watches a video on his computer that stops right before the second plane hits and presents a big red question mark. He's making notes on something while sitting in the armchair... it turns out to be a picture of the urinal with the deuce still in it. Cartman: It is wrong for me to ask questions?Is it wrong to seek the truth?I just can't blindly accept their version.I can't base my logic on proof.Almost all the evidence points one way,But I'm like Charlie Sheen and Gloria Estefan:I need to know what really happenedOn 9/11-leven-leven-leven-leven.What really happenedOn 9/11?[He's back at his computer once more and clicks on his mouse]Of course. It's so obvious. How did we not see it before? Scene Description: Next day, Mrs. Garrison's class is again in session. It's Show and Tell day. Leroy walks up to the front of the class and presents his topic. Leroy: This is my frog. He doesn't have a name. He's a frog not a toad because toads don't ribbit. I think frogs are good pets. [he gets a smattering of applause from the other kids, then goes back to his seat] Mrs. Garrison: Okay, thank you, Leroy, thanks for sharing your dumb little frog with the class. Okay, anybody else have anything for Show and Tell? Cartman: [raises and waves his hand] Uh! Erh, eh. Uhhh! Mrs. Garrison: All right, Eric, you can go next. Cartman: [leaves his seat and goes to the front of the class with his laptop.] For Show and Tell today I have brought... [puts on some glasses] ...my shocking Powerpoint report on the truth!.. [removes the glasses for dramatic effect] behind the 9/11 attacks! [the lights go out and a projector is turned on] Kyle: [rolls his eyes] Oh Christ... Cartman: [his first image is that of the Twin Towers] We are told to believe that the fire from the jet fuel melted the steel framing of the towers, [the image gets animated as a cross-section of a wall is picked apart and the steel girders shown, which led to their collapse.] which led to their collapse. But did you know jet fuel doesn't burn at a high enough temperature to melt steel? [the other kids look at each other. Kyle's eyes are half-closed, showing his disinterest] We were told the Pentagon was hit by a hijacked plane as well, [a picture of the Pentagon with the damage clearly visible. A helicopter hovers nearby] but now look at this photo of the Pentagon. The hole is not nearly big enough. And if a plane hit it, where is the rest of the plane? Clyde: Whoa... Cartman: So now, the inevitable question: if terrorists didn't cause 9/11, who did? [he begins to use his fingers to show the numbers as he says them] Remember that there are in fact two towers. Two minus one is one; one one - 11; two minus one is one; one one, and there are nine members on Silverstein's board of directors. That's nine-one-one. Nine-eleven. And take 2 - 1 + 9/11 and you get 12, which leads us all to the mastermind of the 9/11 attacks. [click. Kyle now appears superimposed on the 9/11 picture already onscreen]. Kyle! Kyle: Me??! Cartman: Twelve contains the numbers one and two, just like the toilet yesterday where somebody went number two instead of number one! And one and two with 911 and you get 914! Drop the 4 and it's 91! Exactly the score Kyle got on his spelling test twelve days after 9/11! Who has the most to gain from 9/11?! Kyle! Who was nowhere to be found the morning the towers fell?! Kyle! Who dropped the deuce in the urinal?! Kyle! But probably the most damning of all is the evidence seen in this photo of Tower 2! [clicks, and another shot of the Twin Towers is shown] When I zoomed in I saw what first appeared to be a blur, [he zooms in on the picture, which just becomes pixilated] but when I computer-enhanced it, [the pixilation disappears as the picture sharpens - it's a drawing of an evil Kyle with a large, sharp knife in his right hand] You almost got away with it, you sneaky butthole. Scene Description: The bell rings again and the kids once again enter the hall. The camera looks towards the front doors. Kyle walks toward the camera and scratches his nose. Kyle: Hey Token. [Token does not respond, but just watches him walk by. Kyle stops by Butters and Craig] You-you gonna watch the game tonight, Butters? [Butters is suddenly scared] Butters: Waaaah! [drops his book and runs away. The other kids just stare at Kyle] Kyle: All right, all right, I was not responsible for 9/11! [the other kids move away quickly] God-damnit! Scene Description: Kyle's house, after school. Kyle walks in through the front door, upset. He slams the door shut behind him. Sheila is cleaning the coffee table in front of the couch Sheila: Hello bubbe, how was school today? Kyle: [stops in front of Sheila, to her left] Terrible. Sheila: Oh, come on, school isn't all that bad. Kyle: But, everyone thinks I was responsible for 9/11. Sheila: Whatwhatwhaaat?! Scene Description: A PTA meeting, later Sheila: We have to do something! It is obvious our children are still completely confused about 9/11! Principal Victoria: Yes, we need to go over it again in the classroom so they understand what really happened. Skeeter: Well, what really happened? There's strong evidence that what we were told isn't the truth. Other men: Oh no, oh brother, oh God. Mr. Adler: [stands up] That's right. Did you know that there were explosions seen at the base of the towers? Other men: Oh no, oh God, that's so retarded. Mr. Mackey: [stands up] Look, what-ever you believe, the fact of the matter is somebody... dropped a dookie in the school urinal, and there's still no explanation for that! Sheila: Mr. Mackey, there are more important things going on here! Mr. Mackey: More important?! You aren't the one, who had to walk into the boys' bathroom, okay, after having tuh, to wake up early, you know, there's no, no coffee in the teachers' lounge, and then you, you walk into the bathroom just to find a big dook laying there in the urinal! Like it's laughin' at you! Jimbo: He's right! The turd could have been put there to cover up 9/11! Mr. Mackey: No, I'm not saying they're related! Randy: [rises] How do we know they're not? We need to be brave enough to ask questions! [makes a fist] Skeeter: It's obvious that before we go any further, we need to find out who was behind 9/11 once and for all! Richard: Who else could it have been? Det. Yates: This is too big a mystery for me. I think we'd better call in the Hardly Boys. Mr. Mackey: Oh no, not the Goddamned- Scene Description: A montage of the Hardly Boys follows. The same music and montage as before are played Narrator: The Hardly Boys. Two young whippersnappers with a knack for solving mysteries. The Hardly Boys in: [the cover of a new book is shown] The Case of the World Trade Center Conspiracy. Scene Description: Police headquarters. Det. Yates has a post-9/11 picture with a circled question mark where the towers used to be. Det. Yates: So that's about the long and short of it, Hardly Boys. There were two towers that stood right here, [shows off the question mark] and they're gone. Frank: And nobody knows who's responsible? Det. Yates: There are theories, but, nobody's certain. Joe: Nnnn, who would benefit most from two buildings disappearing? Frank: Ooo... oh, I just started getting a clue. Joe: Really? Frank: Yeah, I'm totally getting a clue. Joe: Oh... Oh, that's giving me a clue. Yeah, ye-yeah, I've got a raging clue right now. Frank: Mine's pointing to the left. Joe: Oh F-, oh Frank, seriously, I have such a raging clue right now, I think we'd better follow it. Frank: Okay, let's follow your raging clue. Joe: Oofff. Randy: [watches them walk away] Godspeed. Scene Description: Kyle's house, night. The front door opens and Kyle looks out. A couple of agents look back at him from their car parked out in front of the house. One looks both ways to make sure no one is coming while the other looks at his watch. Kyle move away from the entrance and closes the door softly Stan: [appears suddenly in the living room] Kyle! Kyle: [jumps] Aaaah! Stan: Dude, do you mind telling me why CIA guys [looks around] are coming to my house and questioning me about you?? Kyle: I don't know, dude. It's like everyone's putting pieces together that aren't there. Stan: Well why did you have to involve me?? Kyle: It's not my fault. Stan: All right, look, I've been doing a lot of research on the Web and I found an organization who says they can prove you weren't involved in 9/11. Kyle: Really? Stan: Come on. We'll go out the back so they don't see you. [moves off, then stops and turns around] There's just one thing I need to know before we go: you weren't responsible for 9/11, right? Kyle: ...Dude. Stan: [mulls it over] That's all I needed. [turns around and heads for the back door. Kyle follows.] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. The bell rings and the students are all in the gym. Mr. Mackey addresses them Mr. Mackey: Now you might all think I've given up finding out who crapped in the urinal. M'kay? And maybe, maybe you think it's a victimless crime. This, is Mr. Venezuela [walks up to a school janitor, who's a Latino with mop and bucket in hand], the school janitor. Okay? [the fourth graders are shown with some kindergartners in front of them] He's the person... who has to clean up... when some trickster... drops a dook in the wrong toilet! Mr. Venezuela makes six bucks an hour at best! Okay? He's got three kids at home, he's got a car that barely works, he's gotta clean up puke with sawdust, m'kay, then he walks into the boys' room and sees a big meaty chud starin' him in the face! [the sixth graders are shown seated to the left of the fourth graders] So when you crapped in that urinal, m'kay, you might as well have just dropped your pants, and laid a turd right on top of Mr. Venezuela's head! [the kids laugh] Oh, you think it's funny, huh?! Mrs. Garrison: Mr. Mackey! [he and Principal Victoria enter the gym] We got him. Mr. Mackey: Huh? Mrs. Garrison: We caught the person that did it. Scene Description: Somewhere... A taxi drops Stan and Kyle off in front of a large house. They walk up to the front door and Stan knocks. Stan: Hi, we were hoping you can help us. My friend is being blamed for 9/11. Man: [wearing a 911truth.org T-shirt] Aw geez. Come on in, kids. [the boys enter. A model of the towers stands on the coffee table while the computer displays a 9/11 Web page. The rest of the office is littered with 9/11 stuff] It doesn't surprise me. More and more people are being blamed for 9/11 every day. Kyle: They are? 911truth man: Yeah, it a way of keeping people from seeing the real evidence. I know it seems crazy, but 9/11 was pulled off by our own government, so they could gain support for attacking the Middle East. Kyle: What? No no no. 911truth man: I know it's hard to believe. Stan: Dude, why would the government attack its own buildings? 911truth man: It's called the False Flag policy. Make it look like the enemy attacked you. Get all your citizens riled up and waving American flags. Then you're free to invade any country you want. Kyle: ...That's retarded. 911truth man: [sits at his computer and starts typing away] Look into the evidence of 9/11 and you'll see there are a lot of holes in their story. Kyle: There's a lot of holes in the Theory of Evolution too; it doesn't mean it's wrong. 911truth man: You don't understand! The government controls everything. The media, the corporations, they have the power to do anything they want. Here, look! [grabs two large glass jars and hands them to Kyle] Read the labels on these! Go on, read them! Kyle: [reads the labels] Code 234 911truth man: We think they came from a government office. Kyle: What is it? 911truth man: It's anthrax. Kyle: Anthrax?! 911truth man: Someday we'll use it as evidence against them. Kyle: Stan, we can't be seen with this nutjob! [at that moment the house is raided by Chicago cops. The doors and windows fall away as they rush inside. An ambulance and a lot of police cars wait outside as a helicopter hovers overhead. Kyle stands with the jars of anthrax, sure that he's in big trouble] Aw, aw, awww! Scene Description: Mr. Mackey's office, day. He's addressing the guilty party... Mr. Mackey: Why, Clyde? Why did you do it? Clyde: I don't know. [looks away as Mr. Mackey gets up, walks around the desk, and stands behind him, to his left] Mr. Mackey: You got a whole school here, Clyde! M'kay? You got over three hundred people that need to use the boys' room. [walks behind Clyde to the right side. Clyde looks away and to the left] Then you decide you're gonna be a comedian, m'kay, and pinch one off in the urinal, and leave it layin' there for everyone to have to look at! [Clyde tries hard to contain his laughter] Okay okay, you think it's funny, but nobody else does! They gotta walk in that bathroom and see your rancid dook propped up against the back of the urinal like a brown rag doll! [Clyde grins, then bursts out laughing. The door opens and Principal Victoria looks in] Principal Victoria: Mr. Mackey, Clyde's parents are here. Mr. Mackey: M'kay, that's good! [Principal Victoria walks away. Mr. Mackey addresses Clyde again] Let's see what your mom and dad have to say about your little poopscapade! [The Donovans show up] Come on in, please. I'm just trying to get your son to explain why... he would drop a dook in the urinal! Mr. Donovan: Mr. Mackey, there's something you should know... Scene Description: The White House, day. Stan, Kyle, and the man from 911truth.org are brought into the Oval Office by the Secret Service. The President's staff awaits. Kyle: Eh-xcuse me, there's been a misunderstanding. Donald Rumsfeld: Come on in, Mr. President. [President Bush comes in through one of the side doors] Kyle: Uh, Mr. President, my name is- Bush: SSHHUUDDUUPP!! You think we don't know your name?! We know everything! We control everything! [walks to his desk] We've all worked very hard to keep our involvement in 9/11 a secret! But you just had to keep digging! Kyle: [quite surprised] Really? 911truth man: You won't get away with it! People know! Bush: People? You mean sheeple. We have the majority of them kept in blissful ignorance. Just one more... leak... [pulls out a pistol and his voice gets sinister] to fix... [the Secret Service agents take the 911truth man to the President] 911truth man: Wait. What are you doing? Bush: [leaves his desk and cocks the gun] You've been a thorn in our side for too long, I'm afraid. 911truth man: No! You can't do this! [Bush grabs him by the collar] Please! I'll stop. I'll take down the Web site. I'll sto- [the President sticks the gun into the man's mouth] Oh no! Oh no! Bush: Too late. [squeezes the trigger once and the bullet goes clear through the man's head. The 911truth man is dead] Stan: JESUS CHRIST!! Rumsfeld: [Condoleezza Rice stands to his left] Hahaha. He died like a pig. Bush: [wipes the blood off his clothes and skin] Some pigs never learn. Kyle: [in sheer disbelief, cocks his head right] No. Way. Stan: He was right. You DID cause 9/11. Bush: Yes. Quite simple to pull off, really. All I had to do was have explosives planted in the base of the towers. Then on 9/11 we pretended like four planes were being hijacked.when really we just rerouted them to Pennsylvania, then flew two military jets into the World Trade Center filled with more explosives, then shot down all the witnesses of Flight 93 with an F-15 after blowing up the Pentagon with a Cruise missile. It was only the world's most intricate and flawlessly-executed ever, ever. Kyle: [ever more incredulous, cocks his head left and lower] ...Really?? Stan: Why?! Bush: [smiling, he begins to pace] Oldest reason in the world. Money. The towers fell and the American sheeple all waved their flags. [walks by Dick Cheney, who's got a crossbow and is dressed to hunt] Finally we could invade Iraq, [finishes off with sinister glee] and get the oil which made us all richer than before. Rumsfeld: [rubs his hands together greedily] Beauutiful money, hahahaha! Kyle: [cocks his head right and even lower. He's not buying it] ...Really?? Stan: [off on a different page] Is the whole government in on this? Bush: We are all-knowing and all-powerful. Good-bye, boys. [steps aside as Dick Cheney takes aim at them. Cheney fires an arrow at them, but the arrow hits a marble vase on a table behind the boys. The arrow bounces off the vase and hits fire alarm, which sets off the sprinkler system. Everyone does his best not to get wet] Cheney: Dangit! I missed again! Bush: For Christ's sake, Cheney! [Two aids open the doors to the Oval Office and enter] Stan: [seeing their chance] Kyle! Run! [the boys take off with the Secret Service in hot pursuit] Bush: KILL THEM! Scene Description: Attendance office, day, next to the Principal's office. Mr. Mackey stands there with Principal Victoria in the background, at her desk. He picks up the PA mic. Mr. Mackey: Attention students. Apparently, Clyde could not have been the one who crapped in the urinal, because Clyde had a colostomy at age 5. 'Kay? Now, whoever did this unspeakable act is still at large. The boys' bathroom is closed until further notice, 'cause one of you thought it would be a good idea... to pull down your pants... m'kay, hover your buttcheeks over the urinal... and squeeze out a chocolate hot dog... m'kay? [all the kids in the hall listen, then start laughing] Oh you think that's funny, huh?! [Principal Victoria is also snickering in the background] Let me assure you, there is nothing funny... about going up to a nice, clean, unsuspectin' urinal, [next shot is the school gym, where some students are practicing their basketball skills, but now they're listening] 'kay, droppin' your pants then... turnin' around... squattin' over that urinal, 'kay, maybe... maybe pullin' your buttcheeks apart with your hands, m'kay, and then layin' out a big fudge dragon for all the world to see. [the kids there begin to laugh] Oh yeah, that's real funny! [turns off the mic and slams it down] I'm gonna catch this sonofabitch if it's the last thing I DO! M'kay?! [moves off] Scene Description: A bus terminal. A bus pulls in from Washington D.C. and the door opens. Passengers pour out, including Stan and Kyle. Stan: All right, now we have to switch over to Interbus 65. We made it dude. [next scene is another city, somewhere] We should be home in less than eighteen hours. Then we'll tell everyone what we saw. Kyle: It just... doesn't seem right. Stan: Yeah, our eyes are finally open, dude. It's like waking up for the first time. Kyle: Yeah... but doesn't it seem like we got out of the White House pretty easily? I mean, it seems like it would be pretty hard to escape from the White House with everyone chasing you, and we just kind of... ran out. [a door opens besides them and the 911truth man the President had shot exits a restaurant and goes the other direction] Stan: Well dude, maybe we're just super badass. Have you thought of that? [Kyle stops and turns around] Kyle: Hey! [the 911truth man turns around, then panics as he recognizes the boys] Dude. You're alive? [the man stands there for a few seconds, not knowing what to do, then turns around and runs away, pushing people aside. Kyle gives chase] Come back here! [the man keeps running] Man 1: Hey! Man 2: Ogh! Scene Description: the POV changes to that of a dead-end alley. The camera descends from on high as the 911truth man runs down the alley. It stops descending when Stan and Kyle round the corner. The man reaches a chain-link fence and tries to climb it. The boys come in closer. The man fails to climb the fence and drops to the ground when the boys reach him. 911truth man: [begins to plead] No. Please. Pleeease! Kyle: Dude! What the hell is going on?! 911truth man: Don't kill me! I, I just do what they say! Stan: What who said? 911truth man: I have a family. Please don't kill me! Kyle: Dude, we aren't going to kill you. [just then a gunshot is heard and the 911truth man falls dead... again] Stan: Oh God! Bearded man: [appears with the smoking gun] It isn't safe here, boys. Follow me! Kyle: Who the fuck are you?! Bearded man: There's no time! come on! [the camera pans up but stays focused on the three folks as the boys follow the bearded man out of the alley.] Scene Description: A mansion, night. The bearded man escorts Stan and Kyle in and leads them to his library Kyle: Do you mind telling us what the hell is going on?? Stan: Who are you? Bearded man: [pours himself a drink] I'm a detective, and I'm afraid that you kids have been double-crossed. Kyle: You f-figured this thing all out? Bearded man: Not me. My mystery-solving sons. Come on in, boys. [the Hardly Boys enter] My boys were researching who went number two in the urinal at your school when they discovered something odd, which gave them a clue. Frank: Gave us both a clue. Mr. Hardly: That clue led them to a 9/11 conspiracy group party, where they got a lot more clues. Joe: I was getting a clue like every two minutes. Frank: I got such a raging clue that I almost shot clue goo all over Joe. Mr. Hardly: Those clues pointed out that all the 9/11 conspiracy theories could be disproven scientifically. And that's when Frank got his biggest clue. Frank: It was huuuge. Mr. Hardly: That all the 9/11 conspiracy Web sites are run by the government. The 9/11 conspiracy... is a government conspiracy. Stan: Aw Jesus... Kyle: Why would the government want people to believe they caused 9/11? Mr. Hardly: For a government to have power, they must appear to have complete control. What better way to make people fear them than to convince them they are capable of the most elaborate plan on earth? Bush: [off-screen] That's quite enough, Hardly! [the camera shows him entering with his staff] Don't believe what he says, boys; we caused 9/11. [brings forth a manila folder] It's all right here in these secret documents, [hugs the folder tight] but you'll never get them. [turns around as he yawns, dropping the folder to the floor behind him. No one picks it up] Kyle: I knew it! You didn't plan 9/11 and you really didn't shoot that guy! Bush: [dropping the act] Boys, you don't understand. People need to think we are all-powerful. That we control the world. If they know we weren't in charge of 9/11 then... we appear to control nothing. Kyle: Well why don't you just tell people the truth?! Bush: We do that too. And most people believe the truth. But one fourth of the population is retarded. If they wanna believe we control everything with intricate plans, why not let them? Mr. Hardly: Just one thing, Mr. President: How the devil did you know we were all here? [a close-up of Kyle. A gun appears next to his left temple. The camera moves clockwise as it refocuses on Stan, who's got the gun aimed at Kyle. Stan must have told the President] Stan: How come you couldn't just go home, dude? That's all we had to do! Kyle: Stan! What the fuck?! Stan: It was all planned out! Kyle: You knew this whole time? Why? Stan: Because it was me. I'm the one who took a dump in the urinal. Kyle: [backs away a bit] What?? Stan: The stalls were full and I didn't wanna miss recess! I didn't think it would turn into such a big deal! Kyle: So you blamed the government?! Mr. Hardly: And the government was more than willing to take the blame, so long as it made them look responsible for 9/11! Stan: [lowers his pistol] Oh man, now everyone's gonna know. Why did the stupid Hardly Boys have to be so good at solving mysteries? Kyle: So wait, wait: Stan took a dump in the urinal and he contacted the conspiracy Web site? But the conspiracy site was run by the government? Stan: Yuh. Kyle: So then, who was responsible for 9/11? Stan: Whattaya mean? A bunch of pissed-off Muslims. Frank: [giggles] Yeah. What are you, retarded? [The President and his staff laugh heartily] Mr. Hardly: Well, it looks like this mystery is solved. It's time for the culprit to finally pay! Scene Description: The boys' room at South Park Elementary, day. Stan is cleaning the urinal under Mr. Mackey's supervision Mr. Mackey: When you dook in the urinal, it's bad, m'kay! [Stan squirts some cleaning fluid onto the urinal basin] How would you feel... if somebody came into your home, m'kay, pulled down their pants and laid a big mud monkey right on your mom's face? [Stan laughs] Oh you think that's funny, huh?! Yeah, that's real funny!

Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, school hall. The bell rings and the students go to their lockers. Stan and Kyle put some books away as Cartman shares an encounter with Kenny and the other two. Cartman: And so then, I put my finger up my butthole, right? And I walked up to Kelly Nelson, and I said, "Do you smell lemon grass?", and she smelled my finger and puked! Hehehehe. Oh, guys, you should have been there. Hall monitor: [a ginger, he taps on Cartman's right shoulder] Eric, I have to take you to the principal's office. Cartman: What? I didn't do it, Kelly Nelson's a liar! Hall monitor: I've been instructed to bring you to the principal's office. Cartman: Oh, suck my balls you ginger Jew rat hall monitor! Punkass stoolie, who the fuck do you think you are?! Hall monitor: I'm just doin' my job. Cartman: [taunting and jabbing at him] I'm juh duh duh duhhh! Do you know why you're a hallway monitor?! Because you don't have any friends! You should kill yourself! You should kill yourself!! Principal Victoria: Eric Cartman, report to the principal's office immediately. Cartman: Aw Goddamnit! Scene Description: The principal's office, moments later. A knock is heard at the door. Principal Victoria: Come on in, Eric. [Cartman and the hall monitor enter] Cartman: [apologizes, but in a blasé fashion] I'm sorry, Principal Victoria. I didn't mean to do it, how could I have been so foolish? Principal Victoria: Eric, the reason we called you in here is because it is your turn to be the school hallway monitor. [the former hall monitor removes his belt and sash and prepares to give them to Cartman] Cartman: The hall monit- me? Mr. Mackey: You need to watch for bad behavior, and make sure anyone in the halls during class has a hall pass. M'kay? [Cartman receives the sash and the former hall monitor leaves] Principal Victoria: If anyone doesn't, you have the authority to bring them to me. Cartman: [incredulous] Auth- authoritah? Mr. Mackey: Now Eric, being the school hallway monitor is a big responsibility. M'kay? It is important that you take the job seriously, and that you don't abuse the power. Cartman: Ahem. Me? Scene Description: A montage. First scene is the school hall. Cartman pops up dressed as Dog the Bounty Hunter. He walks around and strikes a few poses. He pockets a can of Bear Spray into its holster, makes sure he has handcuffs, then resets his fake facial hair. Next, he pretends he's driving a real car. Back at school, he walks into view and strikes one more dramatic pose, then the POV changes and he's walking towards the camera. One more scene has him turning the steering wheel of an SUV. Cartman: There's fear and darkness all around you The criminals are on the run No use in not having your hall pass I'll take you to the principal 'cause I'm the Dawg I am the Dawg, the big bad Dawg The Hallway Monitor! [laughs until a hand appears and knocks on the driver's window.] Car Salesman: [opens the door] Hey, kid, get outta there. Cartman: That's cool. I'm done making my video anyways. [leaves. The video shoot resumes at school. Cartman is on the job when he turns around and sees someone else in the hall. He strikes a dramatic pose and yells] Hall pass! Show me your hall pass! Boy: What? Cartman: [shoves the boy into the lockers and whips out the Bear Spray] You know what this is? This is the mace that they use on bears, faggot! Now let me see your hall pass! Boy: It's right here. [reaches into his pocket and pulls it out to show him] Cartman: [releases the boy] All right, cool, brah. Go with Christ. [turns right and walks away. The boy isn't quite finished] Boy: What? You can't just push me up against the- Cartman: [kicks the boy away] Argh! Boy: [flies out of view]Aah! Cartman: [marches on] I am the Dawg, the big bad- [stops] Oh my God! [sees a wad of paper on the floor, runs up to pick it up and checks it out] What the fuck is this?! Scene Description: Kindergarten. The kindergartners' new teacher is shown teaching them about shapes. She's drawn a circle and is now drawing a square Teacher: And so this shape with four sides is what, class? Cartman: [bursts into the classroom] Boyarrrgh! [everyone turns to see who it is. Cartman walks up to Ike] Ike Broflovski! You littering my hallway, brah?! Teacher: What are you doing?! Cartman: I found this in the hallway. [unfolds the wad of paper - it's a drawing Ike made of his teacher with hearts all around her] Apparently your student Ike has a crush on you. [Ike looks around nervously] You got a crush on your teacher, brah?! Keep it out of my hallway! Go with Christ. Here you go. [hands the drawing to the teacher and heads for the door] Teacher: I don't think that's really necessary. Cartman: Hey! I don't tell you how to run your class, don't tell me how to run my hallway! [leaves and closes the door] Fillmore: Ike has a crush on teacher! Class: Ike has a crush on teacher! [the class laughs] Teacher: That's enough, class! [the period ends and the teacher begins erasing the chalkboard] Okay, well see you tomorrow, everybody. Ike, could you stay just a few minutes, please? [Fillmore takes his crayon and leaves. The teacher moves towards Ike] Ike, I'm very flattered, by all of your love notes, but I need to be clear. See, there've been a lot of female teachers on the news lately who have been having relationships with young male students and, people might get the wrong idea, even though... I do admire you. You are so smart and gifted. Soo mature for your age. Ike: I don't like Mason. Teacher: You listen, and you really care about what I have to say. You make me feel things I've never... [reaches out to Ike and touches his right hand] felt before. [she and Ike hold hands, but she lets go and leaves her seat] Ike, this is crazy. I'm your teacher. How can we be having these feelings for each other? [turns around and faces him] You're so mysterious, and I can't... and I can't... [begins to swoon. A montage follows] Scene Description: She and Ike rub noses as a heart frames them. Their shadows rush up and hug each other, then twirl around together as hearts pulsate outward. They hold hands again. She takes him out to dinner and chatters away. She takes him out to ice-skate at a skating rink. She takes him out to a dinner picnic before a setting sun - they share wine and cheese. She takes him out for a ride on a duck boat - she does the driving. She has an artist draw a picture of them. They hop onto a merry-go-round and get on horses - she blows a kiss at him there. She takes him home and watches TV with him REO Speedwagon: And I can't fight this feelin' anymore I've forgotten what I started fightin' for And if I have to crawl upon the floor Come crashin' through your door Baby, I cant fight this feelin' anymore [the last scene is the two of them under the covers ] Teacher: That was unbelievable. I've never felt like such a woman before. They'll say our love is wrong, but we can't let anybody know; they'll never understand. [rolls to her right and starts massaging Ike tenderly] We were meant to be, I know it. How else could sex be that incredible? [lays back down] Ike: [oops] Ike made a nuno. Scene Description: The boy's room at South Park Elementary. Butters rushes in and towards the urinal. Once in place, he sets his hall pass aside, drops his pants, raises his shirt, and lets fly Butters: Hey there, Mr. Wiener, whattaya know? Do ya need to tinkle tinkle? [falsetto] Yes I do think so. Cartman: [bursts into the restroom. Butters is startled] Hands?! Let me see those hands! Butters: [backs off] Haaaah! Cartman: [advances] Where's your pass?! Show me your hall pass, brah! Butters: [looks around frantically for it] It's, it's... I just had it! [keeps looking, but Cartman grabs him...] Cartman: I knew it! [...slams his head against a toilet stall, then tosses him to the floor, cuffs him, and escorts him out of the restroom. Butters doesn't get a chance to pull his pants up. The hall pass remains on the sink where Butters left it.] Scene Description: The waiting room outside the principal office, moments later. Cartman and Butters wait on the bench outside, and Butters still has his pants around his ankles Cartman: Look, brah, I had to bring you in, but I don't have any hard feelin's against you all right? Butters: Huh? Cartman: Here, you need a smoke, brah? Butters: Uhh, okay. [Cartman puts a cigarette into Butters' mouth, then lights it for him] Cartman: You've gotta give yourself over to Christ, brah. Butters: I do. [coughs] Cartman: Jesus is Lord. You can go one direction in life, or you just walk around the hallways without a hall pass. Or you can see the light, brah. [Butters coughs some more] Scene Description: The Broflovski house, afternoon. Kyle walks in. Sheila: [greets him holding some laundry] Kyle, I need you to go get your brother over at his teacher's house. Kyle: Huh? Sheila: Tell his teacher I'm sorry, but I forgot he has a doctor's appointment today. Kyle: What's he doing at his teacher's house? Sheila: He's been going there in the afternoons for private tutoring. Scene Description: The teacher's house, a lovely one-story structure. Starland Vocal Band's "Afternoon Delight" is playing inside. Kyle walks up to the front door and knocks. Kyle: Hello? [finds the door open and walks in] Excuse me. I'm here to pick up Ike? [moves further into the house] Uh, hello? Is Ike here? [enters the room the music and some giggling is coming from - it's the bathroom] Hello? [the teacher, in the bathtub, looks at him] Teacher: OOOH! [covers her breasts] Kyle: Oh God! [squeezes his eyes shut] I'm sorry. [opens them again] I didn't mean to-ah, I'm looking for my brother. [Ike pops up out of the water dressed in snorkel gear. Kyle's eyebrows go up] Ike?? [they just look at him] What the hell is going on?? Teacher: Oh, what's the use, Ike? We're caught. [moments later, an angry Kyle is pulling Ike towards the front door] Hold on, please, you don't understand. Kyle: [turns to look at her] Really?! What's there not to understand?! Teacher: Your brother and I... are in love. Kyle: He's a little young, don't you think?! Ike: Oh. [angrily, he leaves Kyle for his teacher] Teacher: Ike is very mature for his age, and you know it! Ike: Ring around the rosey. Teacher: He makes me feel like nobody else does. He loves me and only me, and I know I'm a goddess to him. When we make love, he can give it to me HARD, or soft and gentle- Kyle: All right! We're getting the hell out of here! [begins to pull Ike away from the teacher] Ike: [resisting] Nonono, nononono. Kyle: Ike, you can't possibly want this. We have to tell Mom. Ike: [sobbing] No, no. Kyle: Ike? Teacher: Is it so hard to believe that true love exists? Kyle: [turns to the front door] This is nuts. Scene Description: The Broflovski house, dinnertime. Kyle: Mom, Dad, have you ever met Ike's kindergarten teacher? [Ike glares at Kyle] Sheila: Miss Stevenson? Yes. She's very nice. Kyle: Yeah. Well, she likes Ike a whole lot. Sheila: That's great. Kyle: Yyeah, except maybe it's not perfectly great, because to some degree, Ike and Ms. Stevenson are having an-. Ike: Spider-Man! I'm safe, Mom. Sheila: Yes, Ike, you like Spider-Man, don't you? Kyle: Mom, there might be something that you should look into about Ike staying after school all the time- Ike: Weohhh part ten. Mom-my I love you I love you. Sheila: Mommy loves you too, sweetie. Kyle: Would you excuse us for a second? [leaves his chair and takes Ike to the living room. Kyle now addresses Ike] You just can't expect me to sit there and say nothing. No, Ike, I'm supposed to be looking out for you. So what? I wasn't going to just blurt it out, I was gonna use some tact, but you won't even let me... What? Uh uh! Stop right there, Ike! [Ike replies with a series of snippets from nursery rhymes, which has nothing to do with Kyle's concern. Kyle is finished, and the two of them return to the table] Mom, I think maybe you should talk to Ike about love and sex! Sheila: Sex? Oh bubbe, Ike is much too young. [silence follows as the family continues eating] Scene Description: Park County Police Station, day. Seems like Officer Barbrady and his police station have been phased out for good now. Detective Yates and his men are in the breakroom eating lunch Det. Yates: You're so full of crap, Foley. Foley: What? I did shoot him in the face. Twice. Kyle: [appears at the breakroom entrance] Ex, excuse me? [the officers look, and he walks in] My name is... Brad. And uh I need to report a crime. Anonymously. Yates: Oh? What's the crime? Kyle: Well, I attend South Park Elementary, ah-and... w-one of the teachers is having sssex with a student. Yates: Oh my God! This is terrible! [other officers say other things. Yates and another officer get on bended knee next to Kyle] Ya-you did the right thing telling the police, Brad. Now, who is the teacher? What's his name? Kyle: Well, it isn't a guy teacher. It's a woman. Foley: A woman? Kyle: Yeah. She's having sex with a boy. [the officer to his right is taking notes.] Mitch: Oh, but, but she's ugly, right? Kyle: Well no, not really. It's the Kindergarten teacher, Miss Stevenson. Yates: The blonde? Kyle: Yeah. Foley: Some young boy is having sex with Miss Stevenson? Kyle: [firmly] Yes. Foley: Nisssse. Yates: Nnice. Kyle: What?! No, you don't understand- Foley: You sure they've had sex? Kyle: Yeah. Officer 1: Has she performed oral sex on him? Kyle: I think so. Officer 1: ...Nice. Foley: Nisssse. Officer 1: [whispers] Nisssse. Yates: So wait, what, what's the crime? Foley: The crime is, she isn't doing it with me. [jabs jokingly at Officer 2. All the officers laugh] Kyle: Hay! He's totally underage. She's taking advantage of him. Yates: You're right. We're sorry. This is serious. We need to track this student down and... give him his "Luckiest Boy In America" medal right away. [All the officers laugh harder] Kyle: [throws his hands up in frustration and leaves] Gargh! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, hallway. The students at either at their lockers or milling around. Kyle approaches Stan and Kenny. Kyle: Guys, can I talk to you? Stan: Sure dude. Kyle: I need you to keep quiet about this, all right? [Cartman walks up] My little brother and his tea- Cartman: Brahs, it's almost class time. I need you to start clearin' the hallways aright? Kyle: Not now, Cartman! I have really serious problems! Stan: Dude, what's the matter? Kyle: The kindergarten teacher is having sex with my little brother. Stan: ...Wow. Kenny: (Reaaly??) Cartman: Damn, brah, your little brother's pretty cool. Kyle: It's not cool! Ike isn't old enough to understand. Cartman: What's to understand? You get a boner, slap her titties around some and then stick it inside her and pee. Kyle: [looks long and hard at Cartman] "stick it inside her and pee" Cartman: Well, okay, fine. Unless you don't want to get her pregnant, then you pull it out and pee on her leg. Stan: Dude, I really don't see a problem. Cartman: Yeah, I've got bigger things to deal with. Kyle: You guys don't understand! His wacko teacher is like a schoolgirl! They pass notes to each other in the classroom, they have sex at her house over lunch break, [Cartman waves Kyle off and walks away] and during class they sneak out and kiss in the hallways! [this stops Cartman and makes his eyes big] Cartman: They what?? Kyle: They sneak out during class and make out in the hallways! Cartman: [spins around] Hang on a second: making out in the hallways is strictly against school policy! Kyle: Well they're doing it! Cartman: Yeah, well now it's personal! The hallways are my jurisdiction! If there's a hallway infraction going on, they're gonna have to deal with the Dawg! Scene Description: Kindergarten class, in session Miss Stevenson: Okay, just continue with your macaroni pictures. Teacher has to step out for a second. Uh Ike, could you help me out, please? [Ike leaves his seat and joins Miss Stevenson outside. She puts him on the shelf of the telephone booth next to the classroom] Oh Ike, I just had to have a second alone with you. Ike: I like dada better. Miss Stevenson: I got your love letter, and I wrote you one back. Oh, just one kiss to hold me over for the rest of class. [she begins to kiss Ike. Cartman appears in the distance and turns right...] Cartman: Hall infraction! [runs up to Miss Stevenson] Miss Stevenson: [turning to Cartman] Oh uhh, we were just heading back in. Cartman: You got a hall pass, brah?! Miss Stevenson: I don't need a hall pass. I'm a teacher. Cartman: Yeah? Well, where's his hall pass?! Miss Stevenson: Look, just let us get back in- Cartman: Get down on the floor! Miss Stevenson: We're going back inside! Cartman: [whips out the Bear Spray] You like bear mace, icehead?! Miss Stevenson: Bear mace?? Cartman: You're goin' with Christ! [sprays Miss Stevenson pretty good] Miss Stevenson: Oooooh! Scene Description: Next stop, the principal's office. Cartman, Miss Stevenson and Ike stand before Principal Victoria Cartman: ...And that's what I got, Principal brah. These two were in the hallway making out. She had those love letters on her person. Principal Victoria: "Ike, I long to feel your arms around me"?? Miss Stevenson, you- you're having a relationship with this student? Cartman: Yes. During classtime, without a hall pass. Principal Victoria: This is unbelievable. Cartman: I know. It's like a hall pass doesn't even matter to her. Principal Victoria: Miss Stevenson, I will need to inform the police. Miss Stevenson: [puts her hands to her cheeks] Oh God... Cartman: You just dealt with the Dawg, bitch! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, later. The front doors are open, revealing the school logo and the steps leading up to the hallways. Police and news reporters are present. Two officers exit with Miss Stevenson in handcuffs. Yates: [sarcastically] Sorry we had to do this, but the lady principal insisted. [the officers move past Yates] Randy: [shows up next to Jimbo and Ned] What's goin' on? Jimbo: The kindergarten teacher is suspected of having sex with a student Randy: With a student? But... she's a woman. Jimbo: Yeah. I know. Randy: But... she's hot. Kyle: Wow. I think I owe you one, Cartman. Cartman: You don't owe me anything. My hallways are cleeean. [points his index fingers at the camera] Scene Description: The Broflovski house, night, Kyle's room. Kyle is writing something out when Ike appears at his doorway, pissed off that his teacher was taken away Kyle: [sensing Ike, turns around in his chair] Ike, I didn't tell on you, you got busted by the hallway monitor. [Ike glares at him] Okay, okay. I did have something to do with it. But someday you're gonna realize it was for the best. Ike: You are dead to me! Kyle: What? Ike: I said, you're dead to me! Kyle: I'm dead to you? Ike: [points at him] You're dead to me, Kyle! Scene Description: Park County Police Station, day. Miss Stevenson is calling someone from there as officers stand around and discuss police items Miss Stevenson: I'm at the police station. They say they found some evidence. I'm so scared. [Ike is at the other end of the line] Listen, I want you to know it's okay. If anybody tries to talk to you, you don't need to say anything. Just leave it to me. I know a way out of this. Scene Description: News 4 Newsbreak: A reporter in front of the South Park Courthouse Reporter: Tom, an elementary school teacher is under arrest for allegedly having an affair... with one of her young students. The case is shocking, due mostly to the fact that the teacher... is pretty hot, Tom. If the accusations are true, then... damn! Uh, looks like the defendant and her lawyer are about to give a statement, Tom. Miss Stevenson: I am deeply sorry to announce that the allegations against me are true. Over the past several weeks, I have been having physical relations with one of my students. Man 1: Nice. Man 2: [whispers and squeezes his eyes shut] Nissse Miss Stevenson: I know my actions were wrong, but I cannot be fully to blame. You see, I am an alcoholic. Officer 2: Ohhhh. Scene Description: Kyle's hosue, day. Cartman and Kyle are watching the special report nn TV Miss Stevenson: Yes, I'm afraid it's true. Cartman: Oh no! Kyle: What? Cartman: I don't believe it. She's using the Mel Gibson defense. Scene Description: Back at the Courthouse Miss Stevenson: I am a perfectly good person, but when I drink, the alcohol makes me say and do things I wouldn't normally do. Yates: Well, that explains it. Foley: Do we still press charges? Yates: Who are we gonna convict? Johnny Walker? Man 3: Poor woman. She's a victim. Randy: Yeah, she's a hot victim. [looks around for any reaction, but none comes] Lawyer: [steps up to the mic] My client has agreed to check herself into rehab immediately. [everyone cheers her on] Print reporter: Good luck, ma'am. You can beat your alcoholism. [more cheering] Scene Description: Park County Drug & Alcohol Rehabilitation Center. Patients line up and go in through a revolving door only to come back out and continue down the line. Scene Description: The office of a rehab counselor. Miss Stevenson is seated before the counselor. Therapist: Alcohol is a crutch which we use to medicate ourselves; to, to cover up emotional baggage from our past. Was there ever a history of sexual abuse in your family? Miss Stevenson: No, but my uncle used to ask me and my twin sister to kiss and he'd take pictures. Therapist: Nissse. [sometime later, they're outside the center. He sees her off] Congratulations, Miss Stevenson. Miss Stevenson: All better now. [walks away, gets into her truck and drives away. She drives up to the Broflovski house, stops, gets out a ladder and extends it, props it up against Ike's window, and climbs up] Scene Description: Ike's room. Ike is building something with Legos. Miss Stevenson appears at the window and opens it up Miss Stevenson: Ike. [climbs in and walks to Ike. He turns and stands, his arms outstretched] Ike: Miss Stephenson [she kneels down, picks him up and holds him close] Miss Stevenson: Ike, we have to get out of here! They'll never let us be together. I think... I think we should go to Milan, like we always talked about. [puts both her hands to her heart] Ike: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay, Mulan! Miss Stevenson: Get your things together. We don't have much time. Scene Description: Kyle's room. He's at his desk copying text from from a book. He hears the sound of something landing on the ground outside, then of a car door closing. He gets up to investigate. He goes to Ike's room and opens the door, then looks around. Kyle: Ike, are you okay? [sees an emptier room than usual, and the open window.] Ike? [walks up to the window and sees the ladder still in place.] Iiiike! [the teacher and Ike away.] Scene Description: Park County Police Station, breakroom day. The officers are now eating pizza. Yates: Are you sure you're not lying, Foley? Foley: No, really! I shot both of them! They weren't even doin' nothin'! Sheila: [enters the breakroom with Kyle following close behind] Help! Please, I need your help! That teacher, Miss Stevenson, she, she left town with my son! I got a note saying they're going to Milan! Yates: You're kidding! Sheila: No, it's true! Yates: Damnit, where were all these sexed-up teachers when I was a kid?! Sheila: This is serious! Officer 1: Yeah, boys going to Milan with a beautiful older woman. Quick! Call the FBI! [the officers laugh. Detective Yates smiles] Sheila: Are you going to do nothing?! Yates: [irritated] All right all right, we'll make a report. Jesus... Scene Description: The Broflovski house, day. Kyle sits at the edge of the patio, depressed. Cartman walks up to him Cartman: There you are. What are you doing? You giving up, brah?! Kyle: Dude, my brother's in Milan. There's nothing I can do. Cartman: No, they haven't left yet. Their flight is tomorrow morning. Kyle: How do you know that? Cartman: I had Beth check out their Travelocity account. Kyle: Who's Beth? Cartman: Beth is my bitch. I put a whole crew together, brah. I'm gonna get that hallway-defilng slut no matter what it takes! Are you in?! Scene Description: Music video. In this one, Cartman introduces his crew. One of them is "Kyle, Jew." Cartman: I got some badass guys to help me. I only had to pay them fifteen bucks. You think you got away with not having a hall pass? You won't get away from me 'cause I'm the Dawg! I am the Dawg, the big bad Dawg! Think you can get away with not having a hall pass? Think again! [the video ends and the hallway looks normal again] How was that, Butters? Butters: [behind the camera] Ehthat was pretty good. Kyle: Can we get going now, please?! Cartman: Yep. We're all done with the video, let's move out! [they go forth] Scene Description: An airport Hilton, night. Planes can be seen behind it taking off. Scene Description: A room at the Hilton. Ike is in bed watching TV. Miss Stevenson comes out of the bathroom. Miss Stevenson: Ike, is that all you're gonna do is watch TV? Ike: I love TV. Yaaay! Miss Stevenson: [climbs into bed] But what about me? I want to talk. [Ike just goes back to watching the TV] Scene Description: A car, night. Cartman and his crew are driving to the airport Cartman: Everyone get a good look at our fugitive! I want her taken down fast and clean! Leeroy: [in a retarded voice] She ran away; now she got to deal with the Dawg, huh? Cartman: [determined] Beth found out they have a room at the Airport Hilton. We need to search it. Here's the hotel! [into the Intercom] Beth, tell Leeroy to pull up here! [Beth just signals for Earl to drive into the hotel driveway and stop at the front doors. Earl pulls up and brakes quickly] All right, let's go! Move out! [they leave the SUV and rush into the hotel] Bellboy: Hey! You can't leave your car there! Cartman: It's okay! I'm a hallway monitor! [they pass through the front entrance] Keep separation! Leeroy, check out our twenty! Receptionist: Can I help you? Cartman: You seen this woman, brah? [shows her a picture of Miss Stevenson] She's staying here! Receptionist: Who are you? Cartman: I am the Dawg, the big bad Dawg! Head concierge: I think you should leave before I call the police! Cartman: Beth! Bear-mace that guy! [she sprays bear mace all over the concierge and he crumbles to the floor, trying to vomit] Let's check out the rooms! Leeroy and Kyle go that way! Beth, you come with me! Bellboy: [dials 911] We need police here, right away! [Cartman begins his rounds. He goes to Room 236 and knocks on the door with the bear mace can] Guest 1: [a man, opens the door] Yes? Cartman: I'm looking for this teacher! Is she in your room, brah?! Guest 2: [an elderly man in Room 233] Do you mind keepin' it down? Cartman: [walks over to the second guest] Keep your mouth shut, brah!! Scene Description: Ike and the teacher's room. Both of them react to something. In the distance, police sirens sound and get closer to the hotel. Miss Stevenson looks out the window and sees three police cruisers pull up to the hotel, right outside her window Miss Stevenson: Oh no! Ike! [Ike climbs up to see the commotion] They're on to us! Ike: Oh no! Miss Stevenson: Hurry darling! We have to get out of here! Scene Description: The hotel lobby. The police rush in Officers: What have we got? What have we got?! Officer 3: Who called 911?! Receptionist: They went that way. [points in the direction Kyle and Leeroy took. The concierge barfs continuously. The officers leave] Look out! They have bear mace! Scene Description: The hotel, upstairs. Kyle and Leeroy make the rounds on the third floor. Leeroy: [pounds at the door at Room 323] Open up! I'm with the Dawg! [pounds some more] Kyle: Oh crap! [some officers round the corner at the far end of the hall] Officer 4: [draws his gun] You freeze right there! [Kyle and Leeroy run in the other direction] Scene Description: The fifth floor. Miss Stevenson covers up and peeks into the hallway. She looks both ways, then steps out of the room Miss Stevenson: Come on, darling! [Ike steps out and they beginning walking. Earl rounds the corner behind them and catches them] Earl: Hey! [they stop and the camera zooms in on Earl.] Uh I got 'em, Dawg. Fifth floor! Cartman: Praise Christ! Let's go! [the elderly man is convulsing from the effects of the bear mace.] Miss Stevenson: Ike, run! [back on the second floor, Cartman and Beth run down a hallway] Cartman: Bear mace that guy! And that guy! [Beth maces another bellboy and a guest as she and Cartman run by. Police officers round the corner and run after them] Scene Description: The roof. Miss Stevenson and Ike have made it all the way to the top. Cartman, Beth and Earl show up behind them and run out onto the roof. Police officers show up behind them and run out onto the roof Cartman: Freeze, bitch! Officer 5: Freeze! Officer 6: Hands up! Hands up! Officer 7: Don't move! Don't move! Cartman: It's all right! There's been a misunderstanding! I'm a hall monitor. [the officers are somewhat stunned] This fugitive is trying to avoid a hallway infraction by skipping off to Milan. Officer 8: Hey, that is the teacher we just got the report about. [she and Ike back up slowly, towards the roof's edge. Kyle and Leeroy show up] Officer 5: [through his bullhorn] All right, Miss Stevenson, you got nowhere to go! Miss Stevenson: Why couldn't you just leave us alone? All we wanted was to love. Cartman: Get down! We can do this the easy way, or we can do it Dawg-style! Leeroy: She gawt a scarf awn her heyed, huh? Miss Stevenson: It's all over, Ike. Milan, the house in Tuscany. They'll never let us be together! We have to go with the backup plan. [she and Ike walk to the roof's edge and look down at the ground] Officer 5: [through his bullhorn] Now hold on, don't do anything foolish! We can talk about this! Miss Stevenson: [returns from the edge with Ike] You can't accept our love? So then we can only be together in eternity. Kyle: [steps through Cartman and Beth towards Ike] No! Ike, don't do it! Ike: I don deser futty bad man. Kyle: Ike, please. I know your first love seems like the only love, but trust me, it's not. You have so much life ahead of you. [Ike looks at Kyle intently] Miss Stevenson: You who don't believe in true love don't understand. Kyle: Ike, you need to have a life. Have fun. Then ruin it by having a serious relationship. [Ike thinks it over] Miss Stevenson: I'm afraid you're too late. [to Ike] Are you ready, my love? [she and Ike turn around and run for the edge] Here we go! One, two, three, aaaahhh! [she jumps over the edge, Ike turns back and walks towards Kyle. She looks up at the roof's edge] Ike?? [she lands on her back and dies on impact] Ike: Yaaaay! Kyle: Ike! Cartman: [moves towards the camera] Well, looks like once again, the Dawg has prevailed. I hope you've learned, kids, that if you don't go with Christ, you could end up just like that splattered bitch down on the pavement. Officer 6: Hey kid, you need to get off the roof now. Cartman: That's cool. I'm done making my video anyways. [walks towards the camera to turn it off.]

Scene Description: Hell, outside Satan's castle. Scene Description: Hell, inside the castle. Satan is seated on his throne with two lava fountains behind him, one on either side. Before each fountain is a pile of bleached skulls. Before the throne is a semicircular table with six elder demons sitting behind it. Nine steps lead up to the throne Satan: [slow and deliberate] Halloween is a night for evil. It is time for me to take what is mine. Demon 1: [the pale one] What do you plan, Lord Satan? Satan: On Halloween we shall open the Gates of Hell, rise up to the earth, and we will rent out the entire W Hotel, for an awesome party, and invite a bunch of celebrities! Demon 2: [second from right] How big a party are we talking? Satan: Have you seen those rich, spoiled, teenage girls who have massive Sweet 16 parties? That big. Demon 2: Satan, we can't possibly do- Satan: SILENCE! [descends from his thrown to the floor] Halloween is about me! And I deserve a par-ty! This... shall be MY Super Sweet 16!! [raises his arms up in victory and laughs heartily. A few blasts of steam pop out of volcanoes and the citizens of Hell are frightened. Satan's image appears in the smoke] Minions of Hell! The time has come for us to rise! For my Super Sweet 16 Halloween party!! [the minions look at each other] I got Bacardi, and Ghetto One to sponsor the party, and I'm calling it [a poster for the event appears] Hell On Earth 2006! [everyone yells approval] But now, heed my words: in order to get in to the party, you have to RSVP and get a blue wristband. Everyone is gonna try and get into this party, so if you don't get your wristband in advance, or you're not wearing that wristband at the door, you're NOT GETTING IN!! [the volcanoes fire off another batch of smoke and the minions tremble] And NOW know this: It's a costume party, so you have to wear a costume. BUT... nobody better show up as The Crow! I'm serious. Every costume party there's like fourteen guys come dressed like the Crow 'cause they wanna look hot and hook up. It's lame! If you come dressed as the Crow, you're NOT GETTING IN to the party!! [the volcanoes fire off another batch of smoke and the minions tremble] Go now and prepare!! If you miss my party you are a looozer!! [laughs miniacally and vanishes. The minions tremble once more] George Burns: Oh boy, a Halloween party up on Earth. Ghandi: I can't believe he got the entire W Hotel. Princess Diana: This is going to be the best Halloween ever. [Other minions raise their arms and cheer] Scene Description: Stan's house, night. The house looks darker than normal, but that could be because the lights are on and jack-o'lanterns decorate the windows and the steps outside. Scene Description: Stan's House, bathroom, in the dark. The boys has turned it into something of a temple, with candles on the vanity to make it look like an altar, and another two candles on the toilet seat cover. Kyle is in there with five other students: Stan, Cartman, Butters, Token, and Tweek. Kyle looks at the mirror. Stan: Go ahead, Kyle, do it. Kyle: [glances defiantly at Stan] I am doing it. Tweek: No! Don't do it! Cartman: What's the big deal, Kyle? You just look in the mirror, and say the name three times. Kyle: [blinking rather quickly] Biggie. Smalls... Biggie Smalls... Cartman: See? You're scared. Because you know if you say it a third time, he's gonna show up and shoot you in the face. [starts imitating a hen's cluck] Kyle: Fine! [hops off the stool and walks past Cartman] Then YOU do it, you're so tough! Cartman: I've done it lots of times. Kyle: [pushes Cartman to the stool] Prove it! Cartman: [now on the stool facing the mirror, laughs a bit] Biggie Smalls... Biggie Smalls... This is dumb, you guys, let's do somethin' else. Kyle: You're afraid to do it, too. Cartman: I am not! Butters: Then do it, if you're not yellow! [Cartman is shocked that Butters talked to him this way, so he raises a fist as if he's about to punch him in the face. Butters flinches.] Cartman: [turns back to the mirror] Biggie Smalls... Biggie Smalls... [the door opens and Jimmy enters] Jimmy: Hey fellas. [Cartman freaks out and falls from the stool.] You should come downstairs. Stan's mom made pa-pizza. The other boys: [rushing out of the bathroom] Let's go. Yeah, let's go! Cartman: Oh my God. I crapped my pants. [feels his ass through his pants to be sure] You guys, I crapped my pants! [thinks, then leaves the bathroom] Heheh. You guys! You guys, check it out! Scene Description: Back at Hell's castle, Satan gazes at his crystal ball. The pale demon enters. Demon 1: Satan, I must speak with thee. Satan: [turns around] What is it? Demon 1: You've invited so many celebrities on Earth to your party that people in Hell can't get wristbands. Satan: Well I have to invite celebrities or else my party won't be cool. Demon 1: Satan, I warn thee, do not throw this party at the cost of alienating your friends. Satan: [childishly] I'm not alienating my friends! I know they come first! Demon 1: I hope for your sake that's true. You've never thrown a party of this magnitude before, Satan. Be wary. [turns and leaves] Scene Description: Cathedral of Our Lady Of the Angels, morning. Inside, Cardinal Mahoney addresses a group of Church leaders Cardinal Mahoney: Halloween has always been a time of evil and darkness. But now it appears that Satan will literally be among us. He is bringing Hell here to Los Angeles, and from what we understand, the gathering is going to be... completely off the hook. [the clergymen begin to murmur amongst themselves] There's more: None of us... are invited. [the murmurs get louder] Bishop 1: None? Bishop 2: Satan mocks us. Bishop 3: His party must be stopped. Priest 1: Yes, we cannot let evil take over our city, even for a night. [he's holding a leash... which has a small naked boy at the other end of it.] Priest 2: [an old priest with his own boy] What can we do? [more boys on leashes begin to appear] Resident Bishop: Tomorrow night, after all of Satan's guests have arrived, we'll call in a complaint about how many people are there. We'll see how long Satan's party lasts... after the fire marshal shows up. Scene Description: Butters' house, bathroom. Butters is brushing his teeth for the night. He's wearing some Wonder Bread pajamas. Butters: That's why I like to brush my teeth; I know they're clean and white. All the [begins to choke on the words and spits out some toothpaste] I truly love to brush my teeth. [smiles, then frowns. He looks around, then] Biggie Smalls... Biggie Smalls... [hesitates a bit] Biggie Smalls... [a second later, Biggie materializes behind Butters] Biggie Smalls: What the fuck is THIS?! Butters: AAAAH! [dodges the bullets Biggie begins firing at him.] Biggie Smalls: Hey! [Butters falls off the stool and gets up, runs to the bathroom door and gets out without getting any bullets in him, and makes his way to the front door.] Butters: [runs outside] WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! [his parents pull into the driveway just as Butters leaves the front steps, and get out of the car] Stephen: Butters! We told you to be in bed! What are you doing?! Butters: I summoned Biggie Smalls, the hip-hop rapper! Stephen: You had a nightmare! Turn around and get back in your room right now! Butters: But Dad, he's gonna bust a cap in my ass! Stephen: Well, you wanna get shot or you wanna be grounded?! Butters: AAAAAAAAAAH! [runs back up to his room] Stephen: [to his wife Linda] ...Honestly, why do let him watch that darn Black Entertainment Channel? Scene Description: The W Hotel. Satan is present with his chief demons and the head W staffers. Satan: So I want the DJ to set up over here, and then the main dance floor area can be this whole area right here. Male Staffer: What about valets? Ha, how will people be arriving from Hell? Satan: Oh, it's like a dimensional vortex gate thingy, they won't have cars. Female Staffer: Buut we're probably gonna want security at the dimensional vortex gate. Satan: I want all the servers dressed in skimpy outfits serving all the hors d'oeuvres. Demon 1: This is getting really expensive. Satan: Shut up, it's Halloween! This is my night! Then at midnight, for dessert, I'm thinking over here, we bring out a huuuge chocolate fondue fountain. Male Staffer: Oh yeah, P Diddy had his birthday party here a couple years back and he had one of those. Satan: Oh, screw that, then. I don't want a fondue fountain if P Diddy had one. Demon 1: [between his teeth] Does it matter?! Satan: Yes it matters! I don't wanna do it if Diddy did it! Demon 1: How about a doughnut machine? Satan: Did Diddy do it? Male Staffer: Diddy did do it. Satan: A full ice cream bar! Male Staffer: Diddy did it. Satan: [steps forward in frustration] Damnit, what didn't Diddy do?! [thinks a moment] Wait. I know. [turns right] Yes. It's perfect. At midnight, all the lights go down. The music stops. And then we wheel in... a Ferrari. Only it isn't a Ferrari... It's a cake. And everyone gets a piece. Demon 1: A Ferrari cake? Male Staffer: Diddy didn't do it. Demon 1: Satan, really, the logistics of getting a cake the size of a Ferrari made in time- Satan: [spins around] This party has to be the bomb! Don't you get it?! [turns around] When everyone sees the Ferrari cake, [makes a fist and says in a low voice] they will shudder and know my greatness! Demon 3: Hear me, demons! Lord Satan has demanded a Ferrari cake! Now I will take charge of Halloween, and call upon the spirits of Hell's most evil souls! Ted Bundy! [walks into view] Jeffrey Dahmer! [walks into view] And John Wayne Gacy! [walks into view. Each entrance is accompanied by newspaper clippings and actual background shots of their faces] You shall rise once again to walk the earth, for tomorrow is Halloween, and I need you... to pick up Satan's Ferrari cake, and deliver it to the W Hotel! Bundy: No problem. Dahmer: We can handle it. Demon 3: Heed my words: Satan's entire Halloween depends on this Ferrari cake. Fail, and you will know his greatest wrath! Scene Description: Butters' room, later. He slowly opens his door and looks inside. Quickly, he enters and closes the door, then begins to sneak across the room. He feels a gun against his head and looks up Smalls: You punkass fool! Butters: Haaaah. Smalls: Why'd you summon me? Butters: P-please don't ice me, homie? Smalls: You'd better have a good reason, sucka! Butters: I just... w-was seein' if it works. Smalls: [lowers the pistol and walks away] Damn! Every Halloween I gots tuh deal with this shit! I'm in hell, mindin' my own business, and the next thing I know, I'm in some kid's bafroom. Butters: [scared] I Iii, I apologize, Mr. Smalls. Smalls: [returns and places the tip of the gun against Butters' forehead] You don't understand, fool! I ain't missin' the party! Butters: W-what party? Smalls: I already got my wristband, see? [lowers the gun and shows off the blue wristband Satan was passing out] You've got to get me to Los Angeles! Butters: Uh whah well can't you just take a plane? Smalls: How, punk?! We don't use money in here, ni**a! Butters: Well damn, ni**er, there's gotta be some way! Smalls: [places the tip of the gun against Butters' forehead again] This is your fault, homie! You've gots to get me to that party in L.A., or i'm gonna smoke your ass! Butters: Oh hamburgers! Scene Description: Satan's castle. Some of his advisors come to talk to him... Demon 1: Yes. Yes, Satan. Your Halloween costume turned out perfect. Satan: [dressed as the Crow] Yeah, it's okay, but everyone thinks Zazul's schoolgirl costume is hotter. Zazul: [Deomn 3] Ehhhhhhh. Satan: Zazul, switch costumes with me. Demon 1: Satan, Zazul worked really hard on his costume. Satan: Nobody can look hotter than me! It's my Super Sweet 16 Halloween party! Take it off, Zazul. [dejected, Zazul walks away slowly] And what about my Ferrari cake?! Where's the Ferrari cake?! Demon 1: Relax, it's being picked up from the bakery. Scene Description: Montage, to the tune of Yello's "Oh Yeah." The bakers have made a life-size replica of a Ferrari and are now decorating it. The bakery in question is Napoleon Bakery. Bundy, Dahmer, and Gacy appear at the door Bundy: [looking at a map] All right, this is the place. Now remember, you numbskulls, this Ferrari cake is really important for Satan's party, so don't louse it up! Dahmer: [as Larry] Who's lousing? Bundy: [as Moe] Come 'ere. [Dahmer draws near, Bundy slaps him] Shut up! [Bundy opens the doors and the three killers go inside] Head Baker: Can I help you? Bundy: We're here to pick up the Ferrari cake. Head Baker: Ohhh yes, it's just about finished. What kind of truck are we loading it up to? Bundy: We got that flatbed. [Gacy whips out a butcher knife] Head Baker: Okay well, we're just gonna need to- GYAAAH! [Gacy has just impaled him and begins to slice his body in two by moving the knife towards his head] Bundy: Gacy, you numbskull, what'd ya kill him for?! Gacy: [as Curly] I didn't mean tuh. [a second baker comes out of the kitchen] Bundy: Give me that! [takes the knife from him and smacks him upside the head] Gacy: Oh! Bundy: What's the matter with you?! [hands the knife to Dahmer] Take this! Baker 2: Everything all right? [Dahmer stabs him in the throat with the knife.] Bwa! Gaaaghaghaghagh! Bundy: You nincompoop! [bops him on the head] Dahmer: Ow. Bundy: That was the baker! Dahmer: He startled me. Bundy: [looks to his left] Gacy! [goes into the kitchen, where Gacy is stabbing away at a third baker] What'dja kill him for?! [bops him on the head] Siddonw! Gacy: I'm a victim of circumstance. [Dahmer bops him on the head] Bundy: [grabs Dahmer by the back of the head] Ahh, who're you hittin'? [picks him in the eyes.] Dahmer: Ohhhh... [stumbles away] Gacy: Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk. [Bundy smacks him] Oh! Bundy: [to Dahmer] Get outta here. [to Gacy] Be quiet. [Gacy makes like he's rubbing blood from his face as he groans] You idiots! Now who's gonna help us load the Ferrari cake onto the flatbed?! Scene Description: Butters' house, later. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Jimmy, Tweek, and Token are with Butters, and their parents are behind them. Stan's parents are not there. The police have arrived to talk to Butters' parents Officer: Did your son say anything before he disappeared, Mrs. Stotch? Linda: He just said something about... summoning Biggie Smalls... [upon hearing this, the other boys know what happened and look at each other.] Cartman: Dude... Jimmy: Du... du... dude. Scene Description: Stan's house, moments later. Stan: [rushes into the living room with the other boys] Dad! Dad! Randy: [reading his newspaper on the sofa] What? Stan: If you look in the mirror and say Biggie Smalls' name three times, he doesn't come and get you, right?? Randy: [thinks a moment] Biggie Smalls? Cartman: You know, escargot, my cargo, one eighteen, sippin' on booze at the House of Blues Randy: [folds his paper up and rises] All right, boys, I know it's Halloween, but you can't summon dead rappers in the mirror. Cartman: How do you know?? Randy: I'm a geologist! [leaves] Kyle: He's right. It's just a spooky story. Tweek: Hguh. Then how come you couldn't do it? Kyle: I can do it. It just got... look, it just doesn't matter, because it's not true. Cartman: How can we be sure? How do we know Butters isn't with Biggie right now? Being tormented by him? Scene Description: Up in the sky. A jet plane heads towards Los Angeles Butters: I'm going going, back back, to Cali Cali. Uhh, yeah, I'm going going, back back, to Cali Cali. Uhh- Smalls: Yo dawg, keep it down. Butters: Yo dawg, uh, can't I just go back home right after the flight so I don't get grounded? Smalls: Oh no! YOU summoned my spirit, YOU're gettin' me all the way to the party! As long as I get to the party in time to party, everything'll be all right. [begins to vanish] Hey! [Smalls is gone] Scene Description: Kyle's bathroom. The boys are assembled once again to summon Biggie Smalls Kyle: ...Smalls. [Smalls materializes] Smalls: Oh, God-damnit! [the boys scream and run out of the bathroom, leaving Kyle on the stool] Stan: It does work!! Kyle: Holy crap!! Smalls: [pulls out his gun...] That's it! Now I'm pissed! [...and begins firing away. Kyle and Token are the last to leave.] Scene Description: The W, moments later. Klieg lights are lit up and light up the night as guests arrive. The camera pans around showing the costumed people waiting outside and the party scene inside. Pumpkin disco balls spin around slowly from the ceiling. Two bartenders mix drinks. A large poster of Satan is up on a wall, a DJ spins records. George Burns: Hehey, everybody. Check out Hitler. [Hitler appears with a cell phone attached to his ear] He's the "Can you hear me now?" guy. [the minions around him laugh] Hitler: [moves from spot to spot and asks] Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now? [the minions around him laugh again] Satan: [introducing himself] Everyone quiet! Here he is, the man of the night, SATAN! [four Chippendale men enter, two with leather pants and two with leather briefs, carrying Satan on a litter. Satan is seated on his throne dressed as a girl celebrating her Sweet 16 party. Adolf Hitler wanders by still testing out that cell phone] Get out of the way, Hitler! You're ruining my entrance! Gaau! Scene Description: Outside, across the street from the hotel entrance, some Catholic clergy have gathered around a pay phone. Cardinal Roger Mahoney places a call Cardinal Mahoney: Yes, hello? It this the fire department? [the other clergy whisper and remind him what to say, he whispers back] Wait, shh, shh, shh. [normal voice] I need to make a complaint to the fire marshal. [listens for the reply] He's what? Where? [soon hangs up, having gotten nowhere] Damn your evil heart, Satan!! Resident Bishop: What? Cardinal Mahoney: The Fire Marshal is at the party! Satan invited him! Priest: Satan's trickery knows no bounds! Cardinal Mahoney: That's it! One way or another, we're crashing this party! Scene Description: Back at the party. Satan is talking to a bouncer Satan: This is VIP. Don't just let anybody into my VIP area, okay? [the bouncer walks away and an elderly minion arrives] Frank Sinatra: Hey, Satan, you got a little problem. Satan: What? Frank Sinatra: Somebody showed up in a Crocodile Hunter costume. It's really offending some of the other guests. Satan: Oh jeez. [walks over to the offending guest, who happens to be none other than Steve Irwin, with a stingray attached to his chest. Steve looks around with a smile on his face. Satan arrives] Hey, uh, hi, listen, dude, ya know, the whole Crocodile Hunter thing? It... it's just a little soon, you know? I mean, he just dies a few weeks ago and... it's just not supercool and you gotta leave. Steve Irwin: But it's me, Satan. Steve Irwin. I am the Crocodile Hunter. Satan: [thinks a moment] Oh... oh, but then, dude, no costume. Sorry, you gotta go. [two bouncers come and escort him away] Steve Irwin: Wait! I thought we were friends! Satan: [watches Irwin leave, then] Oh hey, Sinatra! [walks away] Male Staffer: Demonius! [approaches a minion wearing a Captain America outfit] Demonius, we have a problem! Demonius: [the pale elder demon, lifts up his mask] What is it? Male Staffer: The Ferrari cake! It isn't here! Demonius: What?? Don't even tell me that! Male Staffer: It was never delivered to the hotel. Demonius: Deva! Fetch my Blackberry! That Ferrari cake must get here by midnight! [lowers his mask and moves on] Scene Description: a short pops up - The Three Murderers, using music from The Three Stooges Scene Description: The scene is the Napoleon Bakery. Gacy and Dahmer guide the Ferrari cake onto the flatbed. Bundy is at the controls. A man walks by and stops to watch Man: Do you gentlemen need a hand? [Gacy and Dahmer look; Gacy runs over, jumps on him and stabs him to death with a knife. Bundy notices, jumps out of the crane and runs over] Bundy: Gacy! [Gacy jumps off the man and cleans the knife quickly] Whatcha do that foor?! Gacy: I did it for Dahmer. Bundy: For Dahmer? Gacy: Yeah. He likes havin' sex with dead bodies. [Dahmer is shown pumping away, from the elbow up] Bundy: Dahmer! Stop havin' sex with them intestines! Dahmer: What good are intestines if you can't have sex with them? Bundy: [slaps Dahmer hard] We gotta get rid of this body before anyone sees it! [brings out a portable saw and begins sawing the body to bits. The crane continues moving the cake around, and no one is at the controls. Bundy finishes cutting up the body] Now get those to the trashcan! [Gacy has the man's head, Dahmer has the man's left forearm and starts eating it] Stop eating that! [takes the forearm and slaps him with it.] Gacy: Leave him alone! [Bundy slaps him with the forearm] Unh! Bundy: Cut it! [punches Gacy in the belly] Come 'ere, ya. [takes Dahmer's right hand and places it under Gacy's chin, then forces an upper cut with his own fist] Dahmer, Gacy: Oh! [both men then take their right hands and move them up an imaginary pole] Dahmer: There. [Bundy punches them both in the belly and the nose] Oh. [the cable snaps and the cake drops down a bit] The cake! [the pulley is undone and the cake flips over and hits the ground. Pieces of it fly everywhere. The three murderers are covered in it] Bundy: Oh no! Gacy: Mmm, Ferrari. Bundy: [smacks him] What's the matter with you?! It's ruined! Dahmer: We're gonna get it now. Scene Description: Back at the party... A guest: This is a really extravagant party, Satan. Satan: I know, but just wait till midnight. You are not gonna believe what's coming for desert! [laughs heartily] Scene Description: The entrance. The bouncers let a Conehead and a maid enter, and the Catholic clergy are next in line. They show their wristbands, which are yellow, not blue Black Bouncer: Uh, these aren't the right wristbands. A Bishop: Uh, yes they are. White Bouncer: Then how come they say "Knott's Berry Farm"? [the clergy get restless, the bouncers hold them back] Cardinal Mahoney: In the name of Christ, just let us in! Scene Description: Denver International Airport. The other six boys are now going to Satan's party with Biggie Smalls. Kyle is ordering the tickets Stan: We're really sorry, Mr. Smalls. Smalls: Not as sorry as you're gonna be, if I completely miss the party! Ticket agent: Here you go, flight 72 to Los Angeles boarding in 10 minutes. Kyle: [gets the ticket and goes back to Satan] See? You can still make it for the end of the party. Smalls: Yeah, I'm just gonna be pissed if I miss- [begins to vanish again] What the? No! No! Scene Description: Stan's bathroom. Randy is now summoning Biggie Smalls Randy: ...Smalls. [Bigge Smalls materializes behind him] No way! Smalls: Motherfucking God-damnit! Randy: That's pretty cool. Hey, Hey Sharon! Smalls: Cool this, sucka! [begins firing at Randy, who's grazed by a few bullets but runs out of the bathroom.] Scene Description: A second Three Murderers short. This time, the murderers have dressed as chefs so they can make the Ferrari cake themselves Bundy: All right, listen you mugs! It's now 11:30. That means we only have twenty minutes to bake a new Ferrari cake. Dahmer: No problem! It just so happens that I went to an Italian cooking school. Bundy: Yeah? Why'd you quit? Dahmer: There weren't enough Italians to eat. [a second later Bundy smacks him across the face] Gacy: Nyak nyak nyak nyak nya-eh [Bundy moves his hand in front of Gacy and then moves it around his head] Nyaaa nyaaaa Bundy: Get over here! [pulls Gacy by the left ear. Dahmer follows. They go to a clean, ready counter] All right, what's the recipe call for first? Dahmer: Ten thousand eggs. Bundy: Gacy, go get ten thousand eggs. Gacy: You get 'em! Bundy: [bops him on the head] Shut up! Gacy: Nyaaaaa! [pokes Bundy in the left eye] Bundy: Oh! Ohh, wise guy, ey? [pokes both of Gacy's eyes out, leaving him with bleeding sockets] Gacy: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Bundy: How's that? Dahmer: Hey! Leave him alone! [gets the knife and stabs him in the ribs] Bundy: AAA! Dahmer: [sticks his tongue out at Bundy] Nehhh! Bundy: Try that again! Dahmer: [sticks his tongue out at Bundy again] Nehhh! [Bundy grabs the tongue and cuts it right out with a knife] Gacy: What happened?? Bundy: Shut up! [smacks Gacy with Dahmer's tongue. Dahmer sticks a knife in Bundy's chin, making him fall down. Gacy with loss of eyesight smacks Dahmer's head open with a rolling pin, leaving his brains pouring out] Scene Description: A men's room in the hotel. Various costumed men are there looking at a man dressed as John Elway tries to summon Biggie Smalls, daring him all the while Cowboy: He can't do it, he can't do it. John Elway: All right, be quiet. [laughs] Biggie Smalls... Biggie Smalls... [the others crowd in for the payoff] Oh I can't do it! I'm too freaked out. [the others laugh at him as he leaves the restroom] Scene Description: Back at the hotel... Male Staffer: What do we do?? It's midnight. The Ferrari cake never arrived! Zazul: This is terrible! Demonius: [rushes up] It's okay! It's okay! [lifts up his mask] I found a backup! Go ahead and start the ceremony! [the music dies out and the lights go down] Zazul: [through the party's speakers] Your attention please: It is now midnight! Time for Satan's special surprise. [the guests gather around a raised platform] A Guest: I wonder what this is going to be. Satan: [in a low voice, making a fist] Just you wait. [the sound of revving car engines play through the speaker system. The doors open and the surprise is revealed] Yes. Here it comes. [the car is rolled into place and begins rotating counterclockwise] Zazul: Ladies and gentlemen: a fully edible Acura cake! [the guests cheer, not knowing what Satan really wanted] Satan: Acura?? But I wanted a Ferrari! [Zazul and Demonius are quickly at his side] Demonius: We did the best we could; there was a problem. Zazul: Acuras are really nice. Satan: IT'S NOT THE CAR I WANTED! THE WHOLE PARTY'S RUINED! [one swing of his left arm and Zazul flies out of the picture] Demonius: It doesn't matter. Your guests are having fun. They don't care. Satan: [jumps up and down] IT'S NOT ABOUT THEM, IT'S ALL ABOUT MEEEEEEE!!! [his voice echoes throughout the hotel and no one says a word for several seconds] Frank Sinatra: Wow, what a jerk. A Cowboy: Come on, Helen. Let's just go back to hell. I'm suddenly not so hungry for Acura cake. Satan: Oh God, what's happened to me? I've never been this terrible before. By trying to have a party like those spoiled rich teenage girls on MTV, I've become like one of them. Zazul: [returns] Satan, don't be so hard on yourself. You're not as bad as they are. Satan: But I am. Throwing people out, making a big entrance, having these stupid pictures of me all over. Halloween is supposed to be for everyone. Everybody, I'm sorry. This party is for you. It's for all of you who make my life so special. If I don't realize that, then I'm no better than a rich American teenage girl. [the guest begin to applaud the speech] Open the doors! Let everyone in, wristband or no! [everyone cheers at this and the waiting guests rush in, including the Catholic clergy and their naked boys on leashes. Butters appears in the crowd and stops a catwoman powdering herself] Scene Description: Outside Butters: Uhh, excuse me. uh ma'am, can I borrow that? [she hands him her mirror, and he looks into it] Biggie Smalls Biggie Smalls Biggie Smalls. [Smalls materializes next to him] Smalls: What the-? Butters: Thanks. [hands the mirror back to the catwoman, and she enters the party] Smalls: I am soo sick of this! Wait, I'm at the party. Butters: Sure, homie. I got your back, yo. Smalls: [happily] And it's not too late. Hey, why don't you come in with me? Butters: Wull what the heck? I'm gonna get grounded anyway, might as well. [they both enter the party happily] Scene Description: Inside. Butters is dancing with everyone else, the priests dance with their naked boys, Satan dances with Captain America.

Scene Description: South Park Mall, dawn. One red car is seen on the parking lot. Scene Description: EV Games. Advertisements for the upcoming Nintendo Wii are plastered all over the windows. Cartman paces the floor in front of the store Cartman: [under his breath] Come ohhhn! Come ohhhn! Oh, for the love of God, how much longer?! [his mom arrives] Liane: There you are, Eric. What are you doing here? Cartman: I'm waiting for the new Nintendo Wii to come out. Liane: When does it come out? Cartman: Three weeks. Come ohhhn! C-Come ohhhn! Liane: [takes him by the hand] It's time for school. Cartman: [yanks his hand away and runs back to the store] No Mom, you don't understand! I've been waiting for this thing to come out for months. And now, every day time is slowing down. It's like... waiting for Christmas... times a thousand. Liane: Eric, you're just going to have to be patient. [pulls him away again] Cartman: Noo!! Nooo!! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Mrs. Garrison's voice is heard Mrs. Garrison: Principal Victoria, it is wrong! [she's at the principal's office, her back to the principal's desk.] It is wrong and I simply will not do it! [walks back to the desk] I care about my students, and I will not fill their heads with lies! [pounds the desk for emphasis] I am NOT teaching evolution in my class!! [Mr. Mackey is also present] Principal Victoria: Mrs. Garrison, evolution is in the school curriculum. We have to teach it. Mrs. Garrison: Evolution is a theory! A hare-brained theory that says I'm a monkey! I am not a monkey!! I'm a woman! Mr. Mackey: M, m'kay. Ya-you realize evolution has been pretty much uhhh... proven. Mrs. Garrison: I warn you, Principal Victoria! Those students are not prepared to hear this stuff! Principal Victoria: Our students want to learn, Mrs. Garrison, and they're mature enough to handle anything. Scene Description: Mrs. Garrison's classroom, later. The kids are chatting and moving about the classroom. Cartman is blabbering incoherently Cartman: How long until Nintendo Wii comes out now?! Stan: It's still three weeks. Cartman: Oh God... [shivers like someone in withdrawal] Okay, how long now? Kyle: Will you shut up already?! [Mrs. Garrison enters and isn't too happy about her lesson] Mrs. Garrison: All right kids, it is now my job to teach you the theory of evolution. Butters: Oh boy! Mrs. Garrison: Now I, for one, think evolution is a bunch of BULL CRAP. [nobody says anything] But I've been told I have to teach it anyway. It was thought up by Charles Darwin and it goes something like this: [goes up to a large poster of evolution and begins pointing things out with her pointer.] In the beginning we were all fish. Okay? Swimming around in the water. And then one day a couple of fish had a retard baby, and the retard baby was different, so it got to live. So Retard Fish goes on to make more retard babies, and then one day, a retard baby fish crawled out of the ocean with its [waves his left hand limply] mutant fish hands... and it had butt sex with a squirrel or something and made this. [points to a rodent] retard frog squirrel, and then that had a retard baby which was a... monkey fish-frog... And then this monkey fish-frog had butt sex with that monkey, and... that monkey had a mutant retard baby that screwed another monkey and... that made you! [faces the class. A new girl is seated in the front row, looking around] So there you go! You're the retarded offspring of five monkeys having butt sex with a fish-squirrel! Congratulations! Cartman: [hopping out of his chair and running out] HEHHH! I can't take it anymore! HAAAAAH! Mrs. Garrison: Yeah? You see? I knew that would happen. Scene Description: EV Games, next time. Cartman again paces the floor in front of the store. Cartman: Come ohhhn! C-Come ohhhn! [a store clerk notices and walks over] Clerk: Look, kid, for the fortieth time, pacing in front of the store isn't gonna make the Wii come any faster. [he goes back inside, and Liane walks up] Liane: Eric, you're coming home right now! Cartman: Can't I just stay and... look at the sign a little longer? Liane: It's almost bedtime. If you sleep then time'll go by faster. Scene Description: Cartman's room, night. He's sprawled out on his bed in his pajamas, his eyes open. He can't sleep, tossing and turning every few seconds. He looks at his clock: 2:15. Cartman: Oh God! Scene Description: He throws himself back on the bed and squeezes his eyes shut. He peeks at the clock, then squeezes his eyes shut again, turns over... Moments later he's on his pillow, his left leg dangling over the foot of the bed. Next, he's on his belly, looking over the foot of the bed. Next, he's tossing and turning, and sees the time now: 2:16. He gets up and walks to the wall calendar, where he has Nov. 19 marked - a Sunday, the day the Wii comes out. Halloween is marked off, so it's now less than three weeks. He logs onto the Internet and fires up his browser - he gets an ad for the Wii, coming in three weeks. He's now downstairs watching early-morning TV. He paces in front of the TV, then heads for the fridge. Finding nothing to eat, he goes back upstairs and looks at the clock in his room: 2:18. He throws down the clock and throws a fit Cartman: Agh! That does it!! I am not waiting three weeks!! Scene Description: The bus stop, later in the morning. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are waiting for the bus. Cartman: You guys! You guys! You guys, you gotta help me. Stan: Dude you don't look so good, Cartman. Cartman: I can't take it anymore, you guys. The wait for Nintendo Wii is literally killing me. Kyle: Well there's nothing you can do, so you just have to be patient. Cartman: [assertively] No. There is something I can do. Kenny: (What?) Cartman: All right, listen: you know how in space movies they put astronauts in suspender animation so that their trip seems really short, right? [turns around] I think I figured out how to do it. Stan: Do what? Cartman: Freeze myself. If I freeze myself, then in three weeks, when Nintendo Wii comes out, you guys can unfreeze me. The wait will seem instantaneous to me. Kyle: No. Cartman: It's simple science, Kyle. Kyle: You'll die, retard! Cartman: I'll die waiting for the Wii to come out!! Don't you see this is my only chance!! Stan: Dude, no way. Kyle: Yeah, I hate you, but I'm not going to help kill you. Cartman: I thought you were my friends! I guess I was wrong! After everything we've been through together, you guys won't even help me freeze myself! [walks away in a huff] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The new girl, her parents, and Mrs. Garrison are in the principal's office. Father: Principal Victoria, we are a devout Catholic family! Do you mind telling me why my daughter now thinks she's a retarded fish-frog?! Mrs. Garrsion: I told you this would happen, didn't I?! Principal Victoria: Mr. Triscotti, I wasn't aware that- Mr. Triscotti: We have worked years to instill the teachings of Jesus Christ into our daughter, and in one fell swoop, you try to destroy everything we did! Mrs. Garrsion: I hear ya. Principal Victoria: Sir, if you don't wish your daughter to learn about evolution, then we can pull her out of class. Mr. Triscotti: You most certainly will! Daughter: But Dad, I want to learn everything. Mr. Triscotti: No you don't! Shut up! [takes his daughter and leaves the room] Mrs. Garrsion: Well, I told you. We should leave evolution out of the classrooms. Principal Victoria: It has become obvious to me that you don't know enough about evolution to teach it! I'm having you replaced! Mr. Dawkins! [Mr. Dawkins enters the office] Mrs. Garrsion: Re-replaced?? Principal Victoria: Richard Dawkins is a world-renowned evolutionary scientist. Mr. Dawkins: [courteously] Charmed to meet you. Ms... Mrs. Garrsion: Shut up, faggot! Principal Victoria, I can teach my own class! Principal Victoria: You are to sit in class and help Mr. Dawkins with whatever he needs! Scene Description: Mrs. Garrison's classroom. Richard Dawkins is the guest teacher now. He takes some chalk and . Mr. Dawkins: Over billions of years life has evolved from simple one-celled organisms into all the complex life we see around us. [although all the kids have pencil and paper out ready to take notes, only Kyle is actually writing anything as Dawkins lectures. Mr. Dawkins himself delivers his lecture in a scholarly voice.] Mrs. Garrison: Whatever. Mr. Dawkins: [glances over, then continues] It was changes in hereditary traits that allowed the first mammals to breath in the air. Mrs. Garrison: [relating Dawkin's points to his own] Retarded fish-frogs. Mr. Dawkins: [a bit shocked] Ms. Garrison, I believe that's a gross over-simplification. Mrs. Garrison: Well, you're a faggot! [the look of shock returns to Dawkins.] Continue. Mr. Dawkins: You see, children, life has the amazing ability to change, to adapt. Like changing us to the point that we walk upright. Mrs. Garrison: So you are saying that we're all related to monkeys. Mr. Dawkins: [puts the chalk in the holder below the blackboard] Well yes, basically, we are. Mrs. Garrison: Do you see monkeys at the zoo?! They crap in their hands and throw it at people! Mr. Dawkins: Ms. Garrison, this isn't theory, it is scientific fact! Mrs. Garrison: What about the fact that if I believe in this crap, you're gonna go to hell?! Doesn't that bother you a little? Mr. Dawkins: Actually, no. Because I'm an atheist. Mrs. Garrison: [rises and walks up to him] AHA! I've got you, you snake in the grass!! I found you out!! Mr. Dawkins: I never covered it up. Mrs. Garrison: And if I'm a monkey, then I might as well act like a monkey, huh?! [begins to dance around like a monkey, hooting and hollering. He lowers his pants and poops into his left hand.] Mr. Dawkins: What on earth are you doing?? [now Butters is the one taking notes] Mrs. Garrison: Don't ask me, I'm a fuckin' monkey!! [throws the log of feces at Dawkins and gets him on his forehead and on the left side of his sweater] Mr. Dawkins: AAAH! Scene Description: The principal's office, once again. Mrs. Garrison: Principal Victoria, I was simply trying to make a point to Mr. Dawkins about the incongruity of some scientific statements. Principal Victoria: Mrs. Garrison, I am pulling you out of the classroom. Mrs. Garrison: What?? Mr. Dawkins: Principal Victoria, I really don't think that's necessary. This woman is very opinionated but, she does care about her students. Principal Victoria: Very well. But there is to be no more throwing of feces. Understood?? Scene Description: Waiting area outside the office. Garrison and Dawkins walk in Mr. Dawkins: Ms. Garrison. Ms. Garrison, could I have a word with you, please? Mrs. Garrison: What?! Mr. Dawkins: Look, I know you think we're at war, but I want you to know I admire your passion. Mrs. Garrison: [softens immediately] You d-you do? Mr. Dawkins: I've never met a woman with so much... fire Mrs. Garrison: Well I... [begins preening] I do bring down a woman's wrath now and again. [slight giggle] Mr. Dawkins: So much boldness in a woman. So beautiful. [snaps out of it] I'm sorry, I'm sure you have a husband, but I- Mrs. Garrison: No! N-no! My, my husband is g-gone, dead. Mr. Dawkins: Would you then... consider having dinner with me tonight? Mrs. Garrison: Well, [preens again] well, I suppose we could have a little steak or something. [Dawkins smiles, Garrison smiles back] Scene Description: The hallway. Kids are milling around. Around the corner comes Mrs. Garrison, jumping joyfully Mrs. Garrison: I've got a date! I've got a date! My first real date with a real man since my sex-change operation! [skips away, towards the front doors] Oh boy, what'll I wear?! [opens the doors and skips out] Hey everybody! Scene Description: Cartman's house, day, kitchen. Humming, Liane enters the kitchen with groceries and snacks, including doughnuts. She sets them down on the counter, takes an ice cream and heads for the freezer. She opens the freezer door Cartman: [in the freezer] Ey! Liane: [jumps back in surprise, dropping the ice cream] Whoa! Cartman: Close the door, I'm trying to freeze! Liane: Eric, get out of there. [tries to pull him out, but he kicks her hand away] Cartman: [resisting all of Liane's efforts] No! No, it's too soon! Liane: [pulls him out of the freezer] Now Eric, this has gone far enough! [sets him down and goes down on a bended knee] You need to learn to be patient! Scene Description: A door opens and Butters appears. Before him is Cartman, dressed in heavy jacket. Cartman has some equipment on his back and an ice pick in his right hand. Cartman: Butters, get your coat. We gotta go. Butters: Go where? Cartman: You're gonna help me freeze myself. Butters: [looks at Cartman a while, then] Okay. [walks away to get his coat, smiling] Scene Description: The Rockies, far from town. Two small figures walk forward in the snow. The camera gets progressively closer, and the figures turn out to be Cartman and Butters Butters: Well, how come we've gotta come all the way out here? Cartman: [stops and begins digging ] Butters, if anyone else comes upon my frozen body, they'll try to unfreeze me right away. [finishes digging a hole, tosses the ice pick away, and prepares to step down into it] I have to be hidden. [removes his jacket and gives it to Butters] That's good. [begins to gather the snow around him and then faces Butters, who's shocked at this turn of events] And no matter what happens, Butters, you are not to unfreeze me until the day the Nintendo Wii comes out. Do you got it?! Butters: Eric, are you sure this is a good idea? Cartman: No, it's not a good idea. It's an awesome idea Butters: [not so sure, casts his eyes down] Yeah...I guess it is... Cartman: All right, you got the spot figured out? You're not gonna lose where I am, right? Butters: I got it. [looks around] Big Tree. Oval Rock. Cartman: All right, now get out of here. You can't freeze too, or else we're both screwed. [Butters looks at Cartman once more, then leaves. Butters turns to look at Cartman again] Get out of here, you asshole! You're gonna ruin everything! Butters: Oh jeez! [turns around and walks away quickly] Cartman: [all alone now] Yes. Come on. Freeeze. Freeeze. Scene Description: Buca di Faggoncini, evening. Mr. Dawkins and Mrs. Garrison are having dinner there. Mrs. Garrison: So I told my gynecologist, "you put so many things in my vagina, maybe I should charge you!" [they both laugh at the story.] Mr. Dawkins: Oh, Ms. Garrison, you are the most outspoken woman I have ever met! It's almost like you're one of the guys. Mrs. Garrison: Hehyeah, almost. Mr. Dawkins: You have so much spunk, so much life... If only you were an atheist. Mrs. Garrison: Well... Well, you know, I'm... I'm open to stuff. Mr. Dawkins: Why is someone as outspoken as you given themselves over to the whole God thing? Mrs. Garrison: Oh I'm not... I'm not totally into the whole God thing. I just... I just think, you know, you can't disprove God. Mr. Dawkins: Well what if I told you there was a flying spaghetti monster: Would you believe it simply because it can't be disproven? Mrs. Garrison: [Thinks a moment] You're riiight. It's so simple! God is a spaghetti monster. Oh thank you, jeez! My eyes are opened! [stands up] Hey everyone, I'm an atheist! Mr. Dawkins: Really?? Oh that's wonderful! Mrs. Garrison: No, I totally get it now! Evolution explains everything! There is no great mystery to life, just evolution and God's a spaghetti monster! Thank you, Richard! Mr. Dawkins: You're so welcome! Mrs. Garrison: Would you like tuh... [preens again] head over to my place for dessert? Scene Description: Mrs. Garrison's bedroom, night. Mr. Dawkins is giving it to Mrs. Garrison doggy style, hard. Both moan and make other sexual noises. Mrs. Garrison: Oh yeah! Yeah, I'm a monkey! Give this monkey what she wants! Mr. Dawkins: Oh Ms. Garrison! Mrs. Garrison: Yeah, pound my monkey hole, Richard! Yeah, I'm a monkey all right! Scene Description: In the Rockies, Cartman slowly freezes. The camera closes in Cartman: Nin-ten-do. I'm coming. I'm coming, Nin-ten-do. Scene Description: his hearbeat stops as he expels one last puff of air. The camera pulls back as wolves howl in the night. Night turns to day. Cartman's face has turned blue. An avalanche knocks down the tree and covers up the oval rock Butters is supposed to check for when he returns. It also buries Cartman, who is in pajamas. A time-travel sequence begins, which takes him forward in time to the year 2546. There, the block of ice that contains him is picked up and thawed. Three curved surfaces come together to form an egg around Cartman, and the egg is moved to a bed. The three pieces fall apart and disappear. Three items appear - an electronic eye, a small pump, and a vibrator. Medic: We have a pulse. [Cartman comes to, coughs, and sits up. The aliens gather around] Alien 1: Can you... understand me? Cartman: Where am I? Shvek: My name is Shvek. You are safe. Cartman: Safe where, butthole?! Shvek: My friend, this is going to be a bit of a shock, but... it is the year 2546. Cartman: [looks around] What?? Shvek: You have been frozen in ice for over 500 years. [Cartman jumps off the bed and runs to the nearest window, where he sees a city unlike any he's seen before.] Cartman: Butters? Butters, you black asshole?! [suddenly looks tired.] Medic: Please be careful. You are frail. Cartman: Is the Wii out? Where's the Wii? Analyst: [brings up a holoscreen and presses a few buttons on it. A picture of the Wii appears] Ahh, Nintendo Wii. A primitive gaming device used in his time. Cartman: Primitive? It has motion-control controllers, asswipe! Medic: Young man, you don't seem to understand. [goes down on one knee] Your family, your friends, everyone you knew, has been dead for over 500 years. Cartman: I don't care! Is there a Nintendo Wii! Shvek: We don't play videogames in our time. There's no such thing as a Nintendo Wii. Cartman: No... [looks up at the ceiling and] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. Mr. Dawkins is back teaching about evolution. Mrs. Garrison looks quite enamored Mr. Dawkins: You must understand, children, that we are dealing with VERY large numbers here. Mrs. Garrison: [thinking] That's my man. Mr. Dawkins: So, evolution doesn't even happen by chance. It is, in fact, bound to happen. Mrs. Garrison: That's right, kids. And so you see, there is no God. Mr. Dawkins: Careful darling. The school board doesn't like it when we- Stan: Well there could still be a god. Mrs. Garrison: What?! Stan: Couldn't evolution be the answer to how and not the answer to why? Mrs. Garrison: [brings out a triangle and starts ringing it] Uh oh, retard alert! Retard alert, class! [leaves her desk and walks up to Stan's] Do you believe in a flying spaghetti monster too, bubblehead?! Stan: I wasn't talking about spaghetti. [Mrs. Garrison picks him up, desk and all, and carries him to the front of the class.] Mrs. Garrison: Come on, you. You're gonna have to sit in the dunce chair! [sets him down next to the blackboard, goes for a dunce cap, and places it on Stan's head. The cap reads "I HAVE FAITH"] Scene Description: Mrs. Garrison's house, night. She and Mr. Dawkins are in bed. She runs her fingers through Mr. Dawkin's chest hair. Mr. Dawkins: Ms. Garrison, I'm not so sure what you did in class today was right. Mrs. Garrison: What?? But Dick, you told me the world would be a better place without religion. Mr. Dawkins: Yes, but to be so bold about it... [looks away] I've just never seen a woman with such... balls. Mrs. Garrison: [gets up and sits on Mr. Dawkins with the blanket over her chest] You've just been too soft on religious people in the past. Think about it, Richard. With your intellect and my balls, we can change the future of the world. Mr. Dawkins: Can you imagine a world with no religion? No Muslims killing Jews, no Christians bombing abortion clinics. The world would be a wonderful place... without God. Mrs. Garrison: You're the smartest man on earth, Dick. With me by your side, there's no stopping you. Mr. Dawkins: Oh, just let me see those beautiful breasts again. Mrs. Garrison: Oh, all right. [lowers the blanket and the breasts appear. The implants... are not balanced. The left nipple is huge and lower compared to the right one, and the stitches are still visible.] Mr. Dawkins: Oh yeah, baby! Oh-hm. [begins to shake his head between the breasts, which has the effect of a motorboat's engine revving up.] Mrs. Garrison: OHOH YEAH!! AHHH!! [Mr. Dawkins revs up again] Scene Description: Butters' house, day. He and Dougie play in the backyard as Professor Chaos and General Disarray. Toy action figures and various toy vehicles litter the yard Butters: Quick, General Disarray! Kill those superheroes! Dougie: [fires at the action figures] Pehpew Pehpew! [walks over and kicks them down] Butters: Yes! Now the world shall feel the wrath of Professor Chaos! Hahaha! Linda: Butters? [she appears at the sliding door entrance with two policemen behind her] Butters, you haven't seen Eric Cartman in the past few days, have you? Butters: [a bit afraid, slowly] Who, me? Linda: It's very important, Butters. He's missing. You haven't seen or heard from him? Butters: [looks right, then left, trying to figure out what to say...] No ma'am. Linda: Okay. [closes the sliding door and walks away with the officers] Dougie: Come on, Professor Chaos! Let's destroy this anthill! [Butters turns and joins him] Butters: Geh-General Disarray, can I ask you a scientific question? Dougie: Okay. Butters: Well, um, can... Can anything bad happen if you completely freeze yourself and then unfreeze yourself three weeks later? Dougie: [long pause] ...Yeah. Butters: Well, like what? Dougie: ...Like, you die. Butters: ...Die?? Dougie: Well yeah. If you freeze your body, it means you die. When you wake up three weeks later you can be unfrozen, but you're still dead. Butters: Oh hamburgers!! [runs away] Scene Description: the Rockies. Butters and Dougie reach the spot where Cartman is frozen. Butters calls out to Cartman Butters: Eric! Eric! Dougie: You just left him here?! Without a jacket or anything?! Butters: He told me to! Dougie: He's dead for sure. Butters: Wait! [looks around.] It's all different. Nothing's in the same place! Dougie: Oh my God... Butters: [begins to dig frantically through the snow] Uh, eh, Eric! Eric! Dougie: [trying to stop him] Butters ButterButterBUTTERS! [Butters stops and looks at him] We have to get out of here! Butters: What?? Dougie: Nobody is ever going to find his body. You've got to never say anything about this, do you understand?! He's dead, and if they know you had a hand in it, you'll go to jail! [runs off] Butters: But I just did what he told me! Dougie: Come on, we have to leave!! Butters: Oh, jumping Jesus! [follows Dougie. They head back to town] Scene Description: Back to the future. Cartman sits at a desk Cartman: This is terrible. Five hundred years in the future. [puts his head in his hands and starts to weep. A door slides open and three of the aliens enter the room] Shvek: Eric, I have good news for you. We may have found you a Nintendo Wii. Cartman: What?? [hops onto the desk] Really?? [jumps down and exults] YES!! YES!! Medic: It's rumored that there's one at the Museum of Technology at New New Hampshire. Cartman: So I'm not too late! Come on, let's go! Shvek: Well, there's just... th-there's something we need from you first. Scene Description: A meeting room. The three future humans talk to Cartman there Shvek: You see, my young friend, you were unfrozen for a reason. Medic: Lots of people froze themselves in cryogenic labs and we don't unfreeze them. But you... are special. Cartman: I know I'm special. This isn't news to me. Shvek: You lived in a time when a great event happened. A glorious event that finally made all religion obsolete. Now, the entire world is atheist. Cartman: [strokes his chin and thinks] And this gives me a Nintendo Wii how? Medic: We believe that somebody you knew in your time was the person who first started our wonderful group: The Unified Atheist League. Cartman: Who? [the medic is about to reply when something shakes the building they're in] Shvek: What in Science's name was that?! [outside, an enemy ship first at the building and leaves a hole in it. The ship docks at that hole and the invaders pour into a cargo room. The UAL members and Cartman enter the cargo room at the other end.] Medic: Oh no! It's the United Atheist Alliance! Shvek: Oh Science, help us! [a laser battle between the two groups begins] UAA member 1: [yellow hair, green suit] Science damn you, Unified Atheist League! Cartman: Who are they?? Shvek: The Alliance Atheists. We're at war with them. [the battle rages on, with laser shots going back and forth. The laser shots turn out to be syringes which inject the victim with poison. Once the load is fully inside the body, the head explodes. Men on both sides explode and die.] UAL Member 1: [a syringe gets him] No! [his head explodes] Cartman: Jesus Christ! Shvek: Hahahaha, you believe in a supernatural being. [gets a syringe to the neck] Oh my Science. [his head explodes and the battle is over. The UAA closes in on Cartman, its guns drawn] Cartman: I'm just a little boy from the past who wants to play Nintendo Wii. Scene Description: The UAA ship's bridge. Cartman enters with UAA members escorting him. UAA member 1: Put me through to the Allied Atheist Allegiance! UAA member 2: [black hair] Onscreen. UAA member 1: Look, Allied Atheist Allegiance! We have the time child! AAA leader: Science damn you, United Atheist Alliance! UAA member 1: Now you see, foolish sea otters, that we are the atheists in control! AAA leader: It won't make a difference! This is the dawning of the sea otter! Know this, time child! I shall smash your skull like a clam on my tummy! Cartman: What?? AAA leader: Otters! The time has come! Sound the nafferty! Sea otters: The nafferty! [a giant otter walks over to a very fanciful horn and blows into it.] AAA leader: [rises on a platform and turns around. A lens drops down from a contraption he has to his left ear and lands on his nose] So, it begins!

Scene Description: This episode begins with an expanded montage of last week's time-lapse imagery. First you see the town, the mall, and a house. Next, Cartman and the Wii at EV Games. Next, scenes from his night of insomnia, including him checking his calendar and the Wii's Web page, then watching TV. Then, Eric is shown begging his friends to help him freeze himself. Then, a collage of Eric hiding in the freezer, talking to Butters, and walking to the designated spot with him. Then, scenes of the avalanche and Eric getting frozen. Then the years begin to roll, and scenes of humanity's future appear. They are: the scene of the avalanche, a scene of devastation, the room where Cartman is taken to be thawed, his meeting with the high UAL command, the UAL building being attacked, a shot of Earth from space, the UAA storming in to fight the UAL, the battle between the two factions, the UAA closing in on Cartman, the voyage away from the UAL building, across a desert; the onscreen communication with the AAA, a shot of Earth's future, a sea otter blowing into the nafferty, and the final shot of two ships leading the camera to the city the UAL is based at Narrator: The year is 2006, and young Eric Cartman cannot wait for the new Nintendo Wii to come out. Unable to cope with the wait any longer, Eric decides to freeze himself for three weeks. But a freak avalanche makes Eric impossible to find, and so he remains frozen for 500 years. Scene Description: The next scenes all involve Cartman playing a part in the future. The background is the UAL's city. First he's dressed in a blue military outfit. Next, he's running with a robot dog, then firing off a laser gun, then of him and the bog in a vehicle. The background changes to the UAA's ship. Cartman is walking with the UAA members. The AAA is shown firing at them. Cartman and the UAA now sport helmets and go forth. The background changes to the AAA's city. The AAA has captured Cartman. Cartman plays chess with a sea otter. Cartman enjoys flying around upside down in a room of UAL members doing the same thing. Cartman is then shown in a different blue suit, and finally, a fleet of shuttlecraft fly to a new city. At this new city, ostriches are seen walking around, with otters riding them. The city is either in ruins or shabbily built Otter Leader: Whoa, steady! [motions to the otters] This way, otters! [other otters move forward on their ostriches] Otter 1: This is it. New New Hampshire. We have risked much bringing you here, Time Child. [the camera pans left to show Cartman on an ostrich and wearing goggles.] Cartman: Can it. You otters may have evolved to the point you can talk, but I don't need lectures. Otter 1: Don't let the time child out of your sight. He could try to run. Cartman: [goggles now above his eyes] We have a deal, Blavius. As long as I get what I want, you have nothin' to worry about. [the leader's ostrich makes a noise] Otter Leader: Something is spooking the ostriches. Cartman: Sure. This is Monarch land now. Probably Jarvis probes everywhere. Otter Leader: Here it is! We have arrived. Blavius: [Sea Otter 1] Hold! [the ostriches stop at a large entrance] This is it, Time Child. [the building's name is shown: New New Hampshire Museum of Technology] The old museum of technology, abandoned long ago. Let's get what you want, Time Child, and get out of here. Scene Description: The otters escort Cartman to the Museum of the Past. Cartman looks around and finally spots the Wii. Cartman: Over here! [runs over to it] Yeah it's here! It's here! The Nintendo Wii... I've waited so long for this. [shatters the glass case protecting it and removes it] Blavius: All right, Time Child, we've filled our side of the bargain. Now return with us to Otter Bay. Cartman: Sorry Blavius. I've got other plans. [switches hands in holding the Wii, presses a button on his left glove and disappears] Blavius: NOOOO! Otter Leader: It was a trick! Blavius: SCIENCE DAMN YOU, TIME CHILD! Scene Description: UAA transporter room. As various UAA members wait, Cartman appears on the transporter pad Cartman: I got it! I got the Wii! UAA Leader: Time Child! You've returned! UAA 1: We thought for sure you had died in the in the Phobart plant. Cartman: [turns and leaves the transporter pad] Yeah. Lucky for me the otters believed I was on their side. [turns around as he reaches the door] Do me a favor: next time I'm in a recessed biocave, don't send me a level 2 homing call. [the door opens and Cartman walks into the hallway outside the room. The leader and his assistant look at each other] UAA Leader: TC, wait! Cartman: [ruonds a corner] Oh I can't wait! This is gonna be so awesome! [almost walks into another UAA member] Get out of my way! UAA Leader: [catches up with Cartman] You gained the otters' trust?! Were you wearing an information crystal?! Cartman: Here. [takes off the information crystal and hands it to him] UAA 1: Science be praised. This could end the war! UAA Leader: You've done a great thing, TC. [Cartman turns right...] How can we repay you? Cartman: [...and enters an elevator] Just send a maintenance guy to my room. I want this Nintendo hooked up to my float screen NOW! [the doors close] Scene Description: Cartman's room. A maintenance guy is trying to figure out how to connect the Wii to the screen. Cartman: Come on! Come on! Dude, what is taking so long! I wanna play! Maintenance Guy: Uhh, what kind of output does this have? This is some ancient Super-VHS output or somethin'. I can't connect it to your float screen. Cartman: There's gotta be some way to hook it up! It's the freakin' future! Maintenance Guy: It may be the future for you, but I can't hook up anything to a float screen without at least a laser-7 output. Cartman: You've gotta be shittin' me!! Science-dammit! I am so fucking sick of the future! [starts throwing a tantrum, throwing things around] UAA Woman: [entering the room] TC? What's wrong? Cartman: I'll tell you what's wrong! I've been waiting 500 years to play the Nintendo Wii! And if I don't get to play real soon, I'm gonna bust a nut! UAA Woman: Well, we're all glad you're back. I know somebody who's missed you very much. Come on in, K-10. [steps aside to reveal K-10, who walks in] K-10: Bark bark. Hello, Eric. I have missed you. Cartman: Suck my balls, K-10. I'm not in the mood. Scene Description: A United Atheist Alliance meeting. UAA Leader: Fellow atheists: the time child has returned with information on our sworn enemies, the Allied Atheist Alliance. They have started digging for clams in sector J7. If we mount an all-out attack, we can wipe out their food supply! UAA 2: But, those are civilian otters. UAA Leader: We cannot tolerate the otters! Their Science is flawed! Their answer to the Great Question is different from ours. UAA 3: Yes, but... sending out all our ships at the same time... it would leave our city exposed! UAA Leader: ...That's why we have to be super-duper sure that nobody finds out we're doing it. Scene Description: Unified Atheist League headquarters. The UAL elders gather to discuss the situation UAL 1: [hanging upside down from a jet-powered platform] The United Atheist Alliance is about to send out all its defense ships to take down the Allied Atheist Alliance's clam fields. UAL 2: Praise Science. This is your chance, young Shvek, to avenge your father's death. UAL 3: Careful, son. Just because their Science leads them to a different answer to the Great Question doesn't mean we have the right to kill them all. Shvek: No! Our answer to the Great Question is the only logical one. Our Science is great. [walks away from the table and stands before a wall] Let us not forget the great Richard Dawkins who finally freed the world of religion long ago. [a painting is shown, with Dawkins in it] Dawkins knew that logic and reason were the way of the future. [More of the painting is shown: Mrs. Garrison appears] But it wasn't until he met his beautiful wife that he learned using logic and reason isn't enough. You have to be a dick to everyone who doesn't think like you. [turns around] Prepare all the troops! We will level the United Atheist Alliance to the ground! Scene Description: Cartman's room at UAA headquarters. Cartman watches TV on his float screen, K-10 standing nearby. A commercial comes on Announcer: With new Glade monvert cleaner, you can make your monvert sparkle like never before. Woman: My monvert's never looked so clean. [apparently, a monvert is a phallic device] Cartman: God I hate future TV. There's too many commercials! [switches channels. A picture appears briefly in which a reporter is about to mention an attack, but that vanishes. Three bored kids appear seated at a coffee table] Boy 1: Agh! I'm so bored. Boy 2: There's nothing to do. Cartman: Tell me about it. Boy 3: Hey, I know! Let's crank call people in the past! Boy 1: Huh? Boy 3: I just got... [brings out a big box] the Crank Prank Time Phone! [the other two boys marvel at it] Singers: Crank Prank, Crank Prank Time Phone. Announcer: New, from Blasbro, it's Crank Prank Time Phone! Boy Announcer: I just dial a random number on the keypad, enter a date and year on the debilibrator, and... Boy 1: Wow! Someone from the past is on the line! [talks into the phone] Hello? Is there a refrigerator running? Well then, you'd better go catch it! [the boys have a good laugh] Singers: Crank Prank, Crank Prank Time Phone. Cartman: [now interested] What? Boy 2: Uh hi. It's the year 1973, right? Could I speak to Al Coholic, please? [the boys laugh again] Announcer: Crank Prank Time Phone comes with debilibrator [looks like a space-age microphone], antimatter fusion cone, and 30 plain HF watt triggers. Warning: Crank Prank Time Phone is for entertainment purposes only. Making anything OTHER than crank calls to the past could affect the present and end your existence. Crank Prank Time Phone is not intended for the use by otters. Cartman: Why didn't anyone tell me there was a time phone?! K-10: Why does it matter? Bark bark Cartman: Don't you see?? If I get one of those phones, I can call myself in the past and tell me not to freeze myself. [walks forward a few steps] Then I can go back into my time... and play Nintendo Wii. K-10: Bark bark. That call is for crank calling only. Using it in the way you describe is illegal. Cartman: I care! Where's the closest toy store?? K-10: Working, bark bark. The Jarvanian shopping complex. But it is not open yet. Scene Description: Zeebod's Toys, some time later. K-10 stands by as Cartman paces the ground in front of the store, just as he did in the past waiting for the Wii Cartman: Come on! Come on! Voice: Store is now... open. [the storefront lights up like a Christmas tree and the doors open] Welcome Cartman: Ugh, finally! Clerk: Welcome to Zeebod's Toys Cartman: I want one of those time-phone things. Clerk: Ahh, the Crank Prank Time Phone. Sure. Now, I am required by the state to make sure you know this is for prank-calling the past ONLY, right? Cartman: Yeah yeah, I'm only gonna prank-call people. Clerk: [pulls up a small float screen and calculates the cost on it] All right, that'll be 6000 credits. [a second float screen pops up with the price on it] Cartman: Six thousand credits?! What do I look like to you? A Thurilian miner?! Clerk: This is a pretty advanced piece of equipment. It's expensive. Cartman: Look, I have to have one of those phones! Clerk: Oh, all right, then I have to have 6000 credits. [Eric sighs and looks down] K-10: Bark bark, I'm sorry, Eric, bark bark. Cartman: How about a robot? How much for the robot? K-10: Awww. Clerk: [puts the phone away] Sorry, kid, you're just gonna have to crank-call people in the present. Cartman: [turns around and walks away. K-10 follows] Science-dammit! [stops] Wait. K-10, can you access the store's sales records? K-10: Working, bark bark. Access. Cartman: I want the name and address of anybody who's bought a time phone from this guy in the past week. K-10: Working, bark bark. Scene Description: Otter Bay. evening. A sign there says "Allied Atheist Alliance." Blavius addresses a large crowd of sea otters Blavius: The United Atheist Alliance has taken the bait! Soon they will send their ships out to destroy our decoy clam fields! And while their ships are away, the United Atheist League intends to attack them! Our plan has worked perfectly! For when the United Atheist League attacks the United Atheist Alliance, we will charge in and kill them all! Our Science, our answer to the Great Question shall prevail! Otters: Hail Science! Hail Science! Hail Science! Blavius: And I will personally kill the Time Child, and eat his entrails on my tummy! Scene Description: The turn of the 20th century, day. An early blue car rolls down the street and the driver honks his horn. The car passes by a Colonial-style house. Inside the house, a woman vacuums a rug with an early vacuum cleaner when the phone rings. She turns off the vacuum cleaner and starts moving towards the phone Man: I'll get it, darling. [approaches the phone and picks up the receiver. His wife goes back to vacuuming] Hello? Hello? Boy 4: Uh yes, hello? I'm calling for Mr. Wall? Man: I'm sorry, there's no Mr. Wall here. Boy 4: Oh. Is Mrs. Wall there? Man: Nno, there are no Walls here. Boy 4: Then how does your roof stay up? [he and his friend begin to laugh] Man: Oh, I see! Is this the Johnson boys from down the street?! Boy 4: No, we're from the future. [stifled laughter] Man: Very funny! Boy 5: Hi, uh, I'm a Pepper, and I'm wondering if you'd like to be a Pepper too? Man: God darn ya! [hangs up. The two boys laugh] Boy 4: Yeah. Boy 5: That was a great one! [the doorbell rings and Boy 4 gets up to answer it. Cartman, dressed as a maintenance man, and K-10 appear at the entrance] Cartman: Hello, I'm with the cubic waste department. I need to check your lowertram for inhibitors. Boy 4: Oh. Okay, I guess. Cartman: [steps inside] Come on in, Bob. [K-10 enters the room] All right, just let me use my tools... [pulls out a gun and fires at Boy 4, who is instantly trapped in a bubble, floating in the air. K-10 does the same to Boy 5.] Boy 5: Hey! Cartman: [walks up and takes the time phone from the coffee table] Haha! Stupid assholes! I got your time phone! [walks out the door with K-10] Boy 4: Science H. Logic! What a jerk! Scene Description: Otter Bay. evening. The otters are arming each other The Wise One: [walks in with a cane] Silence, otters! Otter 1: It's the Wise One Otter 2: The Wise One speaks. The Wise One: This is not the path we should be taking. Will more bloodshed end anything? Blavius: [floats up to him on a hovering throne] Wise One, our answer to the Great Question is the only one based on good science. The Wise One: Science, reason, is that really all there is? Blavius: They are not a logical race, Wise One! They go around chopping down trees for tables, when they have perfectly good tummies to eat on. How logical is that?! Otter Leader: Yes! [walks up to a painting of Dawkins and Garrison] The great Dawkins said we cannot tolerate those who don't use reason! How reasonable is it to eat off wood instead of your tummy? The Wise One: Well perhaps the great Dawkins wasn't so wise. Oh, he was intelligent, but, some of the most intelligent otters I've ever known were completely lacking in common sense. Maybe, some otters do need to believe in something. Who knows? Maybe, just believing in God makes God exist. Otter Soldier: Kill the Wise One! Otter 3: Kill the Wise One! [the other otters crowd him in and start attacking] The Wise One: What?! Whoa, wait wait! [perishes amid the pummeling while Blavius watches on] Scene Description: Cartman's room, night. He's sprawled out on his bed in his pajamas, his eyes open. He can't sleep, tossing and turning every few seconds. He looks at his clock: 2:15. Cartman: Oh God! [throws himself back on the bed and squeezes his eyes shut. This time, the phone rings. He gets up to answer it. The caller is the Time Child] Hello? [he gets static until...] Time Child: [in a higher pitch] Hello? [Cartman is surprised to hear his own voice on the other end] Are you there? Cartman: Who is this? Time Child: [to K-10] No, no, I have me. [to his past self] All right, all right, listen! Listen to me carefully! You need to be patient! Cartman: What?? Who the hell is this?! Time Child: It's me. Cartman: Me who?! Time Child: Me you! Cartman: What?! Time Child: I'm you in the future! You have to be patient and wait for the Nintendo Wii to come out, or else you'll wake up in the future and have to deal with a bunch of see otters! Cartman: Oh very funny, Kyle! Time Child: It's not Kyle, it's you! Cartman: Yeah? Well you can go fuck yourself. Time Child: I'm trying to do you a favor, dumb-ass!! Just listen to me! Cartman: Listen to this! [puts the phone to his ass and farts into it, then slams the phone down on its base] Dickhead. [the phone rings again. Cartman picks it up and quickly slams it down again.] Time Child: [surprised at his own reaction in the past] What an asshole! Scene Description: Butters' house, later. The phone rings in the kitchen. Butters walks in to answer it. Butters: Hello? [he gets static until...] Time Child: Butters? Butters! Butters: Eric? Is that you? Time Child: Butters, Butters! Listen to me! Just just listen. I'm about to come over to your house and ask you to help me freeze myself. Do not... do t! Butters: [looks around unsure what to make of this strange call] Eric, are you playing a joke on me again? Time Child: No! This is not a joke! Whatever I say to you, Butters, no matter how hard I try, do not... do... what I tell you! Butters: But... [notices Cartman entering through the front door] but you're here right now. [Cartman walks into view] Cartman: Butters?! Come on, we gotta go! Time Child: [hearing his past self] No! Don't listen to me! Tell me to go screw myself! Butters: Huh?? Cartman: Come on, Butters, it's gonna get dark! Butters: But, you're telling me not to go with you. Cartman: What?? [enters the kitchen to talk to his future self] Who the fuck is this?! Time Child: Aw dammit, just listen to me! If you freeze yourself, you're going to die! Cartman: Suck my balls! Time Child: No, you suck my balls!! Just listen to me for one minute! Cartman: ...Okay, you have one minute. Time Child: Right before you left for Butters' house, you drank a buncha Ovaltine and put Clyde Frog in the closet so nothing would happen to him, right? Cartman: [shocked] Are you spying on me?! Time Child: No, I am you, you stupid asshole! Cartman: Fuck you, asshole. You can go fuck yourself! [hangs up and pulls his hood back over his head] Come on, Butters, we're going! Butters: Oh, all right then. Time Child: [frustrated] God I hate that guy!! Scene Description: UAA war meeting, a full room UAA Leader: My friends, the time has come! May Science give us the courage to do what we must! Launch all defensive ships to sector J7! Take out the otters' clam fields! [a fleet of UAA ships takes off] Scene Description: UAL headquarters. The UAL leader ponders the painting of Dawkins and Garrison before him UAL Aide: Sir! The United Atheist Alliance has sent out all their ships. Their capital is now unprotected. UAL Leader: [turns and issues the command] Then begin the attack! Science be praised. Scene Description: A vast meadow, day.The ground begins to vibrate, then the first ostrich zips by. A couple more follow, then a bigger group of them, then the whole army of them, all with otters on them riding into battle Otter Leader: Kill the table-eaters! In the name of Almighty Science! [the otters ride on] Scene Description: Kyle's house, day, kitchen. The phone rings and Kyle arrives to answer it Kyle: Hello? [he gets static until...] Time Child: Hello? Kyle? Kyle: Hello? Time Child: Yes. Hello, Kyle. It's Eric. Uh, how's it going? Kyle: What do you want?! Time Child: Kyle, you are the smartest guy I know, so I think maybe you're the only person who can understand this. You know how earlier today I asked you to help me freeze myself? Kyle: I'm not going to help you freeze yourself, Cartman! It's a stupid idea! Time Child: No, see, I know it's a stupid idea. Because, I actually did freeze myself.and... you were right, Kyle. It backfired and I was frozen for 500 years, and now I'm calling you from the future. Kyle: [with half-closed eyes] ... Uh huh. Time Child: No, really, Kyle, I'm I'm seriously. Here, talk to my robot dog. [backs up to hand the phone to K-10.] K-10: Bark bark. Hello, Kyle. Bark bark. Kyle: ... I'm hanging up now. Time Child: No, Kyle, listen! Please! I think right about now, I'm in my mom's freezer. Kyle: Suck my balls, fatass. Time Child: ... I will. I will suck your balls, Kyle. Just stop me from freezing myself, and I will get down on my knees, and I will suck your balls. I'll suck 'em dry, Kyle. [a car honks its horn at Kyle's end and he looks over. It leaves] Kyle: Aw Goddammit, now you've made me miss my ride! My whole day is screwed up because of you! [hangs up] Time Child: Kyle? [as he asks, everything around him changes. His float screen goes from red to green, his suit goes from blue to saffron with light blue cape, the plant turns leafy, and the floor goes from orange to navy] Kyle! KIT-9: [K-10's new look] Eric, I really think you should stop calling the past. You could change the present. Time Child: Well I don't notice anything different, KIT-9! Do you? KIT-9: I guess not, meow meow. Time Child: [begins to notice the differences] Hm, I see... [the building is shaken hard by something striking it] Hey! KIT-9: Meow meow. [the UAL ships swarm in and fire at all the buildings in UAA territory] Time Child: Heeeeey! KIT-9: Meow meow. UAA Woman: TC! We're under attack! Time Child: By who?! UAA Woman: We have to get to the War Room! It's the only safe place! Scene Description: The War Room. Officials there mill around trying to keep things under control. KIT-9 and Cartman arrive. Cartman has the Crank Prank Time Phone UAA Leader: The United Atheist League is bombing the city! We're defenseless! Cartman: This is terrible! I'm gonna die in the future without ever playing Nintendo Wii?! Tactical Officer: Sir! The sea otters are advancing! They've broken through the east portal! Scene Description: The outskirts of the UAA city. The otter army reaches the edge of the city UAA Leader: What?! Three-way phone channel onscreen! [the main screen lights up with two windows. On the left window appear the UAL leader and the UAL, on the right window appear Blavius and the otters] Shvek: [from UAL headquarters] What are you otters doing?! This is our attack! Blavius: [from AAA headquarters] Yes. And we're attacking both of you! UAA Leader: You fools! This will be the end of us all! Blavius: Then accept our answer to the Great Question, and we will withdraw. UAA Leader: Your answer to the Great Question is illogical! Cartman: What is the Great Question? KIT-9: What atheists should call themselves. Shvek: Unified Atheist League is the most logical name. UAA Leader: >Unified Atheist Alliance makes more sense. Blavius: No! Allied Atheist Alliance! That way it has three A's! That is the logical choice! Shvek: So be it. We cannot agree; prepare to die. Tactical Officer: Forward missiles launched, sir! Cartman: I have to get out of here! Why is everyone in my past so stupid that they think I'm crank-calling them?! KIT-9: But Eric, meow meow, you knew the wife of the smartest man in all of history. Cartman: Who? KIT-9: Your teacher, the one called Garrison. Cartman: Garrison? But he's an asshole. Scene Description: Mrs. Garrison's bedroom, night. Mr. Dawkins is giving it to Mrs. Garrison doggy style, hard. Both moan and make other sexual noises. The phone rings Mrs. Garrison: Oh yeah! Yeah, I'm a monkey! Give this monkey what she wants! Mr. Dawkins: Oh Ms. Garrison! Mrs. Garrison: Dammit, who the hell is calling?! Mr. Dawkins: I'll tell them... to call you back... Oh... yeah... [answers the phone] Garrison residence. Can you call... back later, please? Cartman: It's an emergency! It's an emergency! Mr. Dawkins: [stops] An emergency? Cartman: I need to speak to Mr. Garrison right now! Mr. Dawkins: I'm sorry, but Mr. Garrison has passed away. Mrs. Garrison is the only person here and she's rather tied up at the moment. Cartman: Look asshole, this is a real emergency! Just pass the phone to whatever Garrison wants to call himself since the sex-change operation! Mr. Dawkins: Sex-change operation?? Mrs. Garrison: Uh oh. Mr. Dawkins: [pulls out and protects his genitals] Uuuuugh! You're a man?! Mrs. Garrison: Not anymore. I've been fixed. [Dawkins runs for his clothes] Richard, hold on. I can explain. Mr. Dawkins: Explain?? How can I be so stupid?? [runs out of the house with his pants on, carrying the rest of his clothes] Mrs. Garrison: Richard, come back, please! [Dawkins does NOT return, and Garrison loses her faith in atheism in a flash] Well go ahead and leave, you atheist faggot! Have fun mocking God in hell! You queer! Scene Description: The battle in the future. The War Room has been destroyed, but Cartman and KIT-9 are still there Cartman: Mr. Garrison! Mr. Garrison! [Cartman's present changes again, and now he's wearing a gray suit with orange cape. Also, he's back at UAL headquarters, which is quiet and undamaged] Shvek: [enters from a side door] All right, Eric. Are you all set to go? Cartman: [turns around] Go... Right... Where am I going? [he was facing a panel of UAL and UAA members] UAA Leader: [joins Shvek from the left side] W-we told you: we're sending you home. With the Crank and Wank Time Machine. Blavius: [joins them both from the right side] Don't worry, my son. When you return to your time you will merge with your other self. It's all very Zen. Cartman: Wait... Isn't... everybody at war over atheism? Shvek: Atheism? No. We've learned to get rid of all the isms in our time. Medic: Yes. Long ago we realized isms are great for those who are rational, but in the hands of irrational people, isms always lead to violence. Cartman: So there is no war now in the future. Blavius: Of course there's war. The stupid French-Chinese think they have a right to Hawaii. All: Yeah! UAA Leader: But now the moment has come to send you back to your time. [some rings descend from above and a blue light appears, indicating that beaming is about to begin] Shvek: We unfroze you for a purpose, and now that purpose is fulfilled. Cartman: [wondering] And what was that purpose again? Shvek: We explained that to you already. Cartman: Right... [a bird flies in and sets down next to him.] KOK-A-3: Goodbye, Eric. I will mess you. Squawk squawk Cartman: I'll miss you too, KOK-A-3. UAA Leader: So long, Eric. And tell everyone in the past for us, that no one single answer... is ever the answer. [the rings go back up and take Eric with them.] Scene Description: EV Games. Cartman is pacing in front of the store again Cartman: Hoowww- [his future self is beamed into his body and he checks himself] I'm back. Wow! I'm back! Liane: There you are, Eric. Cartman: Mom! Mom, they did it! Liane: Eric, you have to come home. You can't just wait here for that game to come out. Cartman: [happy, for once] No, I know. You're right, Mom. I need to learn to be patient. I think I can wait three weeks for Nintendo Wii to come out. Liane: But, honey, it's only September. That... [points] Nintendo Wii doesn't come out for two months. Cartman: What? NO! [runs up to the window and sees that his mom is right] NOO!! [turns around and moves away from the storefront] You sent me back too far!! HEY! Do it over! Liane: Who are you talking to, muffin? Cartman: I can't wait two months! [runs back to the doors] I can't! There has to be a way around this! Clerk: Hey, kid, somebody's on the phone for you. Cartman: Hello? Scene Description: Cartman the Time Child is calling from a different future, in which everyone floats around on large purple-pink bubbles Time Child: Hello? Hello? I know what you're thinking! Do not do it! You just need to be patient and wait the two months! Do you hear me?! Cartman: ...Oh, suck my balls, Kyle! [hangs up and leaves the store.]

Scene Description: The South Park Gazette, est. 1997, day. A bicycle rests on the sidewalk outside the office. Inside, Stan talks to the editor. Editor: [The nameplate on his desk says Mr. Jarvis] Being a delivery boy for the South Park Gazette is a noble privilege. Stan: I'm sorry, Mr. Jarvis, it's just that... I have to get up at 4 a.m. to deliver your paper and then I go to school all day. Mr. Jarvis: Oh waaa waaa waaa! We've all got problems, pussy! Get used to it! [picks up today's paper] You aren't delivering the papers on time! Stan: [insistent] My bike had a busted pedal, but I got it fixed, so there won't be a problem anymore. [behind him, outside the window, a tow truck pulls up] Mr. Jarvis: [noticing] Is that your bike out there? [the driver leaves the cab and moves towards the back of the truck.] Stan: Yeah. Why? Mr. Jarvis: 'Cause it's being towed. Stan: [turns around] What?? [walks to the door and looks out its window, then leaves the office while the driver locks the bike in place] Scene Description: Outside the Gazette office. Stan: Hey, hey! What are you doing?! Driver: This your bike? Stan: Yes! Driver: It's on the impound list. You owe the county for tickets. [the list shows the tow truck belonging to Jerry's Towing. The driver activates the crane, which slowly lifts one end of the bike up] Stan: No-dude, I need my bike to do my job! Driver: Yeah? Well my job is to tow this bike. You want it back? You talk to the county. [gets back into the cab and closes the door] Stan: [climbs up the door towards the driver] No NOO. Do NOT tow my bike! [the truck moves forward and Stan hops off. He moves towards the bike.] Stop, asshole! RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! [catches up to the bike and grabs one of the pedals, but that just jerks him up and down a few times as the wheel on the ground moves the pedals. Stan hits the ground several times, getting bruised until he finally lets go of the pedal and rests on the street. He looks on helplessly as the truck keeps moving and his bike disappears in the distance] Scene Description: Park County Government Center, day. A man sits in his office, and a knock is heard at his door. Judge: Yes? Come in. Stan: Hi, my name is Stan Marsh. I was told to come down here and try to- Judge: Yes! Come on, Mr. Marsh. I've been told all about your case. Impounded bicycle, $83 owed to the county. Maybe you should get a job. Stan: I got a job, but without my bike to do my paper route, I can't make the money! See? Judge: [pulls out a pre-loaded record player and puts the needle onto the record, which begins playing, then says] Stan Marsh is a bright young man. He's got a great family, a promising paper route; only problem is, [removes the needle from the record] his bike's been impounded! [puts the needle back on the record, on another song] But now, he's about to find out that getting his bike back isn't so easy. [pulls the needle off again and puts the needle's arm in its resting place] Stan: [several seconds later] Look, I really need my bike. Judge: [puts the record player aside] Well, I'm afraid I can't give it to you, because then you wouldn't learn anything.. Stan: What do I have to learn?! This isn't fair! Judge: Whoa whoa, hold on. I've looked your case over and I think maybe we can cut a little deal here. According to your background check, when you were in kindergarten, you played on the Park County Pee Wee Hockey Team. Stan: ...Yeah? Judge: Well it just so happens that the pee wee hockey team this year needs a coach. Stan: [apprehensive] Me? Judge: [pulls out the record player again and plays it] Stan Marsh is a washed-up fourth grader. He's got no job, no bicycle. And his only way out is to coach... [pulls the needle off the record] a pee wee hockey team! [puts it on again] And now, he's about to find out that to coach, you've got to grow. Scene Description: South Park Recreation Center, looking more sophisticated than before. A hockey rink is in place, with kindergartners inside moving around. Stan is near the center's entrance moving towards the rink. Kids fall and get back up as they struggle to skate. Stan reaches the rink's entrance and looks inside Stan: Oh boy. Uh, all right, guys, over here? Come over here. [the kids move towards him, tumbling. Stan decides to go in and meet them] We've got a lot of work to do and not much time to do it in. # 10: Who are you? Stan: My name is Stan and I'm your new coach. Now we just need to kind of organize a little bit and practice our- # 8: Coach, I have to go potty. Stan: All right, fine, go ahead. # 8: ...By myself? Stan: S- hold it a while, okay? # 7: What does "passing" mean? Stan: When you shoot the puck to another player. # 15: [chubby boy] My mommy said I'm as big as the sky. # 3: Coach, Morgan spit on my foot! Morgan: I did not! Stan: All right, all right, shut up! We're gonna practice! You two guys play defense, and you play goalie. Nelson: [downcast] I can't play goalie. [he's bald, save for a few hairs hanging down from inside his helmet] Stan: Why not?! Nelson: My doctor says I'm not supposed to. Stan: What, you got asthma or something? # 3: No, he has cancer. Stan: [off guard] What? # 8: Nelson has leukemia. It's already spread to his bone marrow. Nelson: I don't wanna have cancer! [covers his eyes and begins to weep] Stan: Ah, it's okay. Don't cry. Nelson: But why me, coach? Why? # 7: Coach, why do people get cancer? Stan: [feeling overwhelmed] Oh Jesus, can we just practice? # 10: Are we gonna get cancer if we play with Nelson, Coach? Stan: NO! [a rival team and its coach walk up to Park County] Coach: Well well well! If it isn't the Park County Losers! [the rival players laugh. They're from Adams County] # 7: Oh no! Adams County! [the Park County players back away, leaving Stan out front] Coach: We just thought we'd come check out the ice for the game tomorrow. [steps forward and offers a handshake] Gavin Throttle, coach of the Adams County team. Stan: [steps forward to reply] Hey. [Coach Gavin withdraws his hand] Gavin: Look, why don't you just give up? You can't beat us. You really want to embarrass your players? # 7: Our coach isn't gonna let us lose! Park County: Yeah!! Gavin: [steps forward again] Fine, if that's the way you want it. See ya tomorrow, coach! Adams Team! Adams County: Right! Follow! [they leave the rink] # 6: Coach, please don't let us lose to Adams County. My daddy will beat me again. Scene Description: Stan's house, night. It's been a long day and Stan looks tired. He opens the front door and enters. Stan: Jesus Christ. [his parents walk up to him] Sharon: Stanley, where have you been?! It's almost bedtime! Randy: Your mother's been worried sick, and I've been watching TV! Stan: I got a new job. I'm finally gonna be able to pay off all the money I owe. Randy: Oh, well that's good. Sharon: What kind of job? Stan: I'm working with the Pee Wee Hockey League. Randy: ...What? With the-? [turns around] What whoa wait, Stan. You gave up playing hockey a long time ago. Stan: I'm not playing, I'm coaching. Randy: Have you forgotten what happened all those years ago? Or are you just trying to make up for it? Stan: [tense] What are you talking about? Randy: Your Pee Wee hockey game! The Pepsi Center?! In between periods of the Colorado Avalanche? Stan: [relaxes] I remember going to Shakey's afterwards. Randy: Stan, you can't put your family through this again! Whatever your reasons are! Stan: [heads upstairs] I'm tired. I'm goin' to bed. [Randy moves towards him a bit, but Stan's door closes, and Randy turns to Sharon] Randy: What are we goin' to do, Sharon?? Sharon: What? Randy: Don't you get it? He's getting back into hockey to prove something to himself. So he can forget what happened in that Pee Wee skirmish. Sharon: Maybe he doesn't remember. He was only 4. Randy: Oho, he remembers. I'm sure it eats at him every single day. Scene Description: Stan's room, night. He's now asleep and begins to dream. Announcer: And we're about out of time here in another scoreless Pee Wee hockey game. [a boy skates towards the camera] And that's # 7, Stan Marsh, skating towards the goal, sort of, but h doesn't have the puck. [players nowhere near him just fall randomly. Two players manage to move towards a puck. The South Park player falls onto the Denver player, who kicks the puck away] Denver goalie: [farts, and realizes he did more than that] I crapped 'em! Oh me I crapped 'em! [leaves the goal defenseless] Announcer: Oh, it appears the goalie has pooped his pants. [the pucks moves towards Stan and stops right in front of him. The spotlight lands on him. The announcer stands] Oh and look at this! Little Stan Marsh actually has a shot at the goal! Crowd: Ohhhh! Randy: [with longer hair] Stan?? Shoot it! [Stan isn't sure what to do] Announcer: Time is running out. Stan Marsh with a chance to win! Kyle: You got it, Stan! Randy: [quite animated. Sharon holds him down] Take the shot!! Take the shot!! [Stan takes the shot and the puck moves towards the goal, but stops just inches from success. The buzzer sounds and no one wins] NOOOOOOOOOOO! Announcer: Ohoooo, that's the end of the game! How disappointing. [Stan looks around, scared.] Scene Description: The master bedroom. Randy wakes up from his dream in a fit, jumps up and runs around the bedroom. Sharon sits up in fear Sharon: Randy, what's wrong?? Randy: OH! Ohh... Oh Sharon, it was horrible! It was like I was living it all over again. Scene Description: Park County Hockey Rink, day. Inside, Stan is with his team. Stan: [blows his whistle] All right, guys. Tonight is our big game against Adams County. We still have all day to practice. A man: Coach? Hey coach. [the man and his wife appear] Could we talk to you, please? [Stan leaves the rink to meet them] Woman: We are the Browns. Nelson's parents? Stan: Oh Mr. Brown: Our little Nelson, he's... taken a turn for the worse, I'm afraid! His cancer is... real ba-a-a-ad. [Mrs. Brown tries to soothe him, but begins to weep softly] Stan: Ohhh. Mr. Brown: Yeah. Oh. Doctors say this could be it. How am I supposed to do it, coach? How do I look a five year old child in the eye and tell him he's not gonna live? [frustration leads to anger] You tell me, coach! You tell me how!! Mrs. Brown: Stop it, Jack! He doesn't mean to take it out on you, coach. Mr. Brown: [frustrated again] No, I don't mean to take it out on you, coach. It's just... [fiddling with his had nervously] I don't know what to say to him, coach. Neither of us do. What do you say tuh... somebody who's dying, huh? Stan: ... I don't know. Mr. Brown: Will you talk to him, coach? He looks up to you. Stan: No, I think you oughta. Mr. Brown: Nah, I'm just his father. But you're his coach! You're like a father to him. Mrs. Brown: Please, coach, he's... [turns aside to cry] he's counting on you! Mr. Brown: [bows several times] Please, coach, he's counting on you! Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Scene Description: Nelson's room. A banner over his bed reads "We Love You, Nelson" and a balloon reads "Get Well". Stan: [enters the room] Oh uh, hey Nelson. Nelson: Oh. [coughs] Hi, coach. Stan: Dude, I can come back later. Is this a bad time for you? Nelson: Yeah, it's a pretty bad time for me, coach. I'm only five and I'm dying. [Stan walks up to him] Coach, what's it like when you die? Stan: Wugh, I'm not sure. I would... think that... it's a lot like it was before you were born? Nelson: How come I have to die now? Stan: Ogh. Nelson: I mean, how come I don't get to grow up? Stan: Goddammit, dude, I don't know. Nelson: I'm sorry. Stan: No, what I mean is, nobody really knows, see? But everyone does it. I mean, it's not like everyone else gets to live and only you have to die. Everyone's gonna die. You feel better now? Nelson: I think so. Stan: Okay, great. Look, I, I gotta get to the stadium, but uh... hang in there? All right? [gives him a thumbs up and walks away] Nelson: Thanks, coach. [Stan is close to the door...] Will you do me just one favor, Coach? That game tonight? I'm gonna be watching, so... could you... make it so I don't have cancer? Stan: No- dude, I told you I can't do that. Nelson: Well then, will you just... win for me? Stan: Okay. [pause. He steps out of the room and closes the door. Behind the door is the judge, waiting. He has his record player with him. He starts playing it...] Judge: Stan Marsh has always lived a carefree life. But in the blink of an eye, what seemed important before can all be put in perspective. Stan Marsh is... "Bummin' on Cancer." [takes the needle off, and Stan walks away.] Scene Description: Park County Hockey Rink, night. Spectators begin to stream into the recreation center. Announcer: Welcome, parents, to this Pee Wee hockey match between Park County and Adams County. [Sharon walks in and sits down] Adams County: [Gavin leads them in the cheer] Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Stan: [walks up to Gavin] Coach, can I talk to you for a second? Gavin: Come to surrender, coach? Stan: [takes him aside] Look, there's a kid in my team who's got cancer, and, he wants us to win this game really bad, so, could you just... give us kind of a break? Gavin: HA! I don't think so, Coach. We're gonna beat you into the ground, cancer or no! [turns and heads back to his team] Win! Win! Win! Win! Adams County: Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! ... Scene Description: The Park County locker room, before the game. Stan and his team hold a meeting. Stan: All right, guys, listen. [turns around] I saw Nelson in the hospital, and he asked me one thing: he said he wanted us to win this game... for him. [the players look at each other] # 6: Sooo, if we lose we're gonna kill Nelson? # 7: Oh Jesus, no! # 3: I don't wanna be a murderer! Stan: Relax! If we lose we're not gonna be murderers. # 7: If we lose are we gonna get cancer? # 13: Oh no! # 15: Ohhh.. # 8: Oh no. # 6: I don't want cancer. Scene Description: The game begins. Adams County players tap their sticks to the drum rhythm going on over the speakers. # 7: They look pretty strong, coach. I think Nelson's gonna die for sure. [Stan looks a bit awed at the kid's assessment. The referee skates up to the center of the rink. Blur's "Song No. 2" begins to play.] Gavin: Good luck, Coach! You're gonna need it! [the ref throws down the puck and the skaters move... and fall over] Yeah! Let's go Adams! Scene Description: the spectators look bored. Nothing is happening in the rink except for the Park County goalie picking his nose. The clock shows 5:05 left in the first period Stan: Let's go, Park! Come on! Scene Description: Still nothing is happening in the rink. An Adams County player waves to his mom, she waves back. The camera moves around excitedly Gavin: That's it, Brian! Kill him! [motions to Stan, then returns to watching the game] Stan: Get near the puck! [Park County players fall. No one is getting near the puck. No. 15, the goalie, continues picking his nose. Fast forward to the end of the third period. An Adams County player is struggling to keep his bladder in check. One second left in the game] Announcer: And that's the end of the game. The result is a tie. Stan: Tie? Well, what does that mean? Judge: [walks up with his record player and plays it] Stan Marsh was supposed to win it all. The big game. A dying boy's hope. Only problem is, [pulls the needle off the record.] he tied! [puts the needle on another track] And now, he's about to find out that tying isn't the same as winning. [pulls the needle up] # 10: So did we kill Nelson or not? Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Stan peeks into Nelson's room Stan: Hello? Nelson: Coach. Stan: How are you feeling? Nelson: I feel pretty good, except for the cancer. [coughs] Coach? Does God hate me? Dr. Doctor: Oh, hello Coach. Stan: Uh, hi Doc. How's he doing? Dr. Doctor: Well, he isn't worse, but, he isn't getting better. It's almost as if... his cancer were tied. Stan: Oh boy. Nelson: [coughs] Oh. My cancer hurts. Dr. Doctor: He seems to have put all his hope into you winning that game. And with a tie, he's in a kind of... cancer limbo. Stan: But what can I do? Judge: [rushes into the room with his record player] Stan Marsh! Stan Marsh! Great news! Our hockey team has just been invited to play against Denver County during a Colorado Avalanche game! Nelson: Wow. [smiles] At the Pepsi Center? Dr. Doctor: Look! He's coming around again. Nelson: That's our biggest game ever. Do you think we can win, Coach? Stan: Well, ah, I mean... Judge: [sets the record player on the floor and plays it] Imagine. If there was one game, one chance, to make everything right. Stan Marsh is being given that chance. But to win, he's gonna have to pull out all the stops in... "Stanley's Cup"! Rated R. [turns the player off] Stan: Yeah... yeah, we'll beat 'em. Nelson: All right! Maybe there IS hope for me. Dr. Doctor: [takes Stan aside] Just be aware of this, Coach. If you lose the Big Game, that little boy is going to die faster than Steve Irwin in a tank full of stingrays. Scene Description: A restaurant booth, day. # 6: Coach! What the hell were you thinking? # 3: We can't beat Denver County. Stan: Well, sure we can. # 6: Last time we played Denver they scored seven times. Stan: Look, guys. I believe in you. Nelson believes in you. Doesn't that count for anything? # 8: No, 'cause they're gonna kill us. Stan: They're not gonna kill us. # 6: That's what Steve Irwin said about those stingrays. Stan: [thinks a bit] Haven't you guys ever seen these movies? We're just supposed to rally together, believe in ourselves, and we win in the end. # 3: No. In the movies, they always go out and find a kid who's really good to join the team. Stan: Hey that's right. We need a ringer. [smiles] # 13: We need a Canadian. [Next thing you see is Ike shooting pucks into the goal. Stan and Kyle watch. Stan smiles.] # 6: Wow, he's good. Park County: Yeah! Kyle: Stan, I told you. My mom doesn't want Ike playing hockey. She thinks it's dangerous. Stan: It's just for one game. He won't get hurt, I promise. [Ike is wearing #2] Park County: Yeah! Kyle: All right, but it's gonna take more than one good player to beat the champions, Stan. You'd better have a really good game plan. Scene Description: Stan's room, night. He's drawing up plays for his team to carry out. The camera moves enough to include Randy, in his briets at the door, in the shot Randy: Can you believe it, Stan? The Pepsi Center. You're going back to the place where it all happened. Same place where you missed that shot all those years ago. Stan: Dad, I'm working on my game plan right now. Randy: Ya have to understand why I can't go. I can't... sit there in that same crowd and watch you destroy yourself again. [sits at the foot of the bed] Oh, Stan. Of all the places, why does it have to be the Pepsi Center? All right, all right, I'll go. No, no I WANT to go. [gets up and looks at Stan] I'm gonna be there for you and... I'll be rooting louder than anybody, saying "That's my son!" [turns around and leaves the room, then turns around again] And just remember, Stan: win or lose. Those are your two options, Win, or lose. [turns left and walks away] Scene Description: The Pepsi Center at Denver, night. Your Colorado Avalanche vs. The Detroit Red Wings. The match is underway and the Red Wings are on offense. One of the Red Wings fires the puck towards the Denver goal, but the Denver goalie blocks it by catching it with his left glove Announcer: His shot is blocked! What a great save! [a man holds up a banner that reads "GO AVS." The buzzer sounds and the score is tied at 2-2 at the end of the second period] And that's the end of the second period. The score is tied 2-all. [the teams go to their locker rooms] And now please put your hands together for three minutes of exhibition play from some of our state's finest Pee Wee hockey players. Stan: [at an entrance with his team] All right, you guys, this is it. The moment is here. We've been through a lot together, and according to every movie ever made, we're going to win this game. Just don't forget: there's a little boy in the hospital who's really counting on us. So let's not let him down. Are you with me?! [all the players are with him in their own ways.] All right, let's go win! Official: [rounds the corner and spots them] Sorry boys, you aren't playing tonight. Stan: Huh? Official: The other Pee Wee hockey team didn't show up. There's nobody for you to play. Thanks for makin' the trip though. Park County: We came to play. Stan: S-so then we win? Official: No. Nobody wins. Stan: Hey. Hey, you can't do this. [the Avs come up behind Park County] We've, we've been through all this stupid emotional crap! Official: Well, you've got nobody to play, there's nothing we can do. Stan: But it isn't supposed to end like this! Av 1: Hey, hold on a second. If these kids have been through a lot of emotional changes, then they have to play. Av 2: Yeah. Official: Well, who are they gonna play? Av 1: They can take our place. Av 3: Yeah. Let 'em play the Red Wings. Stan: [turns around and face the Avs] Play the Red Wings? Judge: [pops in with his record player and plays his record] Stan Marsh coaches a Pee Wee hockey team. But now [pulls the needle off the record] they're going to play in the big leagues. [plays his record again] They've got small bodies but big hearts. Stan Marsh is... going professional. [pops out] Av 1: All right! Give 'em hell, boys! The Avs: All right! Yeah! Scene Description: The Pepsi Center, night, third period. Announcer: It's a tie game here in Colorado as we get set to start the final period. Your attention, please: for this third and final period, the Detroit Red Wings will be playing... the Park County Pee Wee Hockey Team. Scene Description: Spectators return to their seats, and the period begins. The Red Wings take possession of the puck and begin to knock out Park County players left and right. One Red Wing smashes a Park County player into the plastic Denver fans: OHHHHHHHHH! Stan: Jesus Christ! [another Red Wing takes the puck to the goal, but kicks another Park County player into the plastic off to the side] Stop! Stop this! Man: Let them play! Fans: Let them play! Let them play! [even Randy is cheering for this. The Red Wing finally fires off the shot... into the goalie] # 15: EEEK-ugh [lies there, helpless. The shot is good, and the Red Wings get another point.] Scene Description: Another Red Wings skates up to # 7, jumps, and steps on his face with the edge of the skate, then skates away Stan: Hey, can they do that?? Ike: [another Red Wing beats him to a bloody pulp] Ow, no. Oh! [a Red Wing fires the puck at # 8 and draws blood out his mouth] # 8: AAAGH! [the Red Wings fire pucks into the goal at will and rack up lots of points. For some reason, there's a 4th period and the score is 31-2 Detroit. One final shot from Detroit and the final score is 32-2] A Red Wing: Yeah! We did it! We did it! [Queen's "We Are The Champions" begins to play] Scene Description: Red Wing fans celebrate the victory. Red Wings skate around the rink and hug spontaneously, and hi-five each other. Randy: NOOO! NOT AGAIN! NOOO! [Sharon restrains him. Red Wings 14 and 30 French-kiss] # 6: [with a black left eye and a bloody mouth] I hate you, Coach. I hate you. [The Red Wings coach kisses his wife, then shakes an older man's hand] Red Wings coach: Thank you, Dad. Former coach: I'm proud of you, boy. [they give each other a long, warm hug. An NHL official takes a huge trophy over to the Red Wings coach and his team] Scene Description: Nelson's room at Hell's Pass Hospital. Large text blinks "Red Wings Win!" green and yellow on his television. Fans: Red Wings! Red Wings! Red Wings! Red Wings! Red Wings! Red Wings! Nelson: No hope. No... hope... [dies right there, and his vitals flatline] Fans: Red Wings! Red Wings! Red Wings! Red Wings! [the coach celebrates his victory by waving the trophy around]

Scene Description: Wheel of Fortune. The graphics roll by Announcer: And now back to Wheel of Fortune! Scene Description: The camera closes in on Randy, who's got his hands clenched, his thumbs up, and a big grin on his face. He pumps his fists softly. A new car waits behind him to win it Pat Sajak: All right, Randy, congratulations on making it all the way to the bonus round! Randy: Thanks, Pat! Pat Sajak: You've got some family here watching tonight. [a shot of Sharon, Shelly, and Stan in the audience. Sharon waves, then claps. Stan waves] Randy: Yeah, they're all rooting for me. Pat Sajak: And I'm sure you have lots of friends watching back home? Scene Description: The town bar. A crowd has gathered to watch the show. Kyle and Ike are there with their parents, Butters is there with his Randy: Yeah. Hi, everybody watching in South Park! Jimbo: That's us! Stephen: Hehey! [both thumbs up] Man 1: [amid other chatter, voice only] Hey Randy! Jimbo: Good luck! Scene Description: Back to the studio. Pat Sajak: Well let's see if you can't make everyone proud. The category is [the words appear onscreen as Vanna White gets ready to turn the letters on the board] People Who Annoy You. Randy: Okay. [deep exhale] Pat Sajak: As always, we give you the letters R, T, S, L, and E. [Some of the letters light up blue and Vanna turns them around: ERS] We just need three more consonants, and a vowel. Randy: Okay I'd like a B, an N, and a G. Pat Sajak: And a vowel? Randy: [quickly crosses his fingers in both hands and grits his teeth] An O please. Pat Sajak: Okay, well, looks like you're gonna get a lot of help here. [more letters light up blue and Vanna turns them around. Randy claps softly] The category is People Who Annoy You. [the letters are NGG, but no O: N_GGERS. Randy stops clapping] Audience, keep quiet, please. [the white people in the audience are shocked and terrified while the black people are angry and glaring at Randy. One of the cameramen peeks out from behind the camera - he's black] Randy: Uh... Well, uh... Pat Sajak: Ten seconds, Mr. Marsh. Randy: I know it but I don't think I should say it. Pat Sajak: Five seconds, Mr. Marsh. Randy: Oh all right uh, I'd like to solve the puzzle! [beat] Ni**ers! [the audience is stone quiet. Randy gets the buzzer for the wrong answer and drops his arms.] Huh? [Vanna goes to turn the last letter around - A - then walks back to her post and looks at the ground] Ohhh... Stan: [covers his eyes] Ooooh. [Sharon and Shelly are stunned] Randy: [subdued] Oh naggers. Of course, naggers. [sheepish grin] Right. Pat Sajak: [awkwardly] Uhh, can we cut to a... [back at the bar in South Park] Can we cut to a- [the station goes off the air. The bar patrons are confused] Scene Description: On the road back home. Stan still has his hand over his eyes. Sharon has her eyes closed and her head in her right hand Randy: [sniffs, then] Well, gave it my best shot. Least we had a fun trip, huh, gang? Sharon: I can't believe you said the N-word on national television! Randy: Wha?! Well what was I supposed to do, Sharon? I thought I was gonna make $30,000! Stanley, the only reason Daddy used that word is that he thought he would win money. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, morning. The kids arrive at school. Scene Description: South Park Elementary hallway. Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny walk into view. Kyle: Dude, did your dad know that the show was being broadcast live? Cartman: Dude, that was the funniest thing I've ever seen! I watched it on YouTube about sixty times! Stan: Can we just drop this, please? I don't wanna talk about it! Cartman: Yeah, well, it's not us you have to worry about. It's Token. [points at the camera. Dramatic music swells. The camera then looks at Token, who's putting some books into his locker] He is gonna wanna kick your cracker teeth in. Stan: No, he's not. [looks at Kyle] Is he? Kyle: I don't know. Stan: I just need to explain things. [walks up to Token, who's finished with the locker and holds only a binder in his right hand] Hey Token. Look, I don't know if you saw Wheel of Fortune last night, but- Token: Yeah, I was watching with my whole family. And then we saw all the replays this morning on the news. Stan: Listen, Token, my dad isn't a racist. He's just stupid, all right? He just blurted out the N-word, and it's no big deal, okay? Token: Uh, well, actually it is kind of a big deal, Stan. Cartman: Ohhhhhhhh? Token: It may be a mistake, but you don't understand how it feels when that word comes up. So don't say it isn't a big deal. Cartman: Oh, shit, here we go! [gets really excited and cuts in between them, yelling] It's on! Race war! [goes back and yells at one end of the hall] Race war! Race war! [comes back again and yells at the other end of the hall] Race war is on, everybody! It's going down! Shit is going down! [returns, just itching to see Stan and Token fight] Stan: Token, my dad wasn't trying to be offensive. Just forget about it. Token: That's easy for you to say, Stan. Cartman: [softly] Yeah, come on! Here we go! Stan: Yeah, but he didn't say it in anger or anything like that. Token: That doesn't mean I can just be fine. Cartman: [softly] Race war! Come on! Race war! Token: If you really think it's not a big deal, then you really are ignorant. That's all. I'm not fighting anybody. [turns left and walks away] Cartman: Token forfeits! [takes Stan's left hand and holds it up in victory] Whites win! [lets go and twirls away] Whites win! [runs to one end of the hall] Race war is over, everybody! Whites won again! Scene Description: In an office somewhere, day. Randy: I want to apologize deeply and sincerely for using the N-word on Wheel of Fortune. And I want to assure you that I am not a racist, Reverend Jackson. [The camera shows Jesse Jackson behind a desk, with three officials around him] Jesse Jackson: [elbows on armrests, hands interlaced] The puzzle you were solving was "people who annoy you". Randy: Uh well, like anybody else thought it was "naggers". I mean, right? Jesse Jackson: Mr. Marsh, you need to take time to understand African-American culture, visit black museums, see black performers and artists. Randy: Oh! Ah I will! I'm really down with [making sure he gets it right] African-Americans. Jesse Jackson: [thinks a moment] Do you really want to apologize? Are you sure? Randy: Y-Yes, absolutely. Jesse Jackson: [long exhale] Very well. If you want to apologize, I will accept. [rises from his chair and approaches Randy] Randy: Hahh, thank you, Mr. Jackson, thank you. Jesse Jackson: Brian, get a picture of Mr. Marsh apologizing. [takes off his coat, rolls up his shirt sleeves...] Brian: [with camera] Ready to go, sir. Jesse Jackson: [...unzips and drops his pants, then drops his briefs and sticks his ass out at Randy] Kiss it. Randy: Huh? Jesse Jackson: Apologize. Kiss it. Randy: You want me to kiss your- Jesse Jackson: That's right. [gyrates his butt around] Apologize. Randy: Agh, oh, okay. I'll ahh... [genuflects] Let's see here uh... Jesse Jackson: [gyrates his butt around again] Apologize. [Randy kisses Jesse's ass for a few seconds and the picture is taken. It appears in newspapers like the New York News] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, hallway. The bell rings and Stan approaches Token at his locker. Stan: Hey Token. I just wanted to let you know that everything is cool now. My dad apologized to Jesse Jackson. Token: Oh I see, so I'm supposed to feel all better now. Stan: Well, yeah. Token: [throws his backpack into the locker] You just don't get it, Stan! Stan: Dude, Jesse Jackson said it's okay! Token: [spins around angrily] Jesse Jackson, is not the emperor, of black people! [storms away] Stan: [softly] He told my dad he was... Scene Description: The school gym, later. All the students have been called to assemble there. Woman: [dressed in a sharp business suit] Today we are going to have a guest speaker talk to us about sensitivity and the power of words. [Stan looks over at Token in the row before him] In a moment you will meet Dr. David Nelson, who has first-hand experience in overcoming slander, because David is himself, a little person. Who knows what a little person is? [Butters raises his hand] Yes? Over here? Butters: A midget? Woman: Not exactly. That term is actually considered offensive, and that's why Dr. Nelson goes from school to school getting us all to think about what we say. He has two PhD.'s and has published six books! Please welcome David Nelson! Mr. Nelson: [waddles in to some fanfare, swaying back and forth] Good morning, students! How are we all feeling today? [the music stops. Cartman chuckles, then lets out a laugh, and can't stop] I would like to share with you all my- Cartman: No! Dude! No fucking way! [laughs] Dude! [resumes laughing] Mr. Nelson: That, that words are like bullets. And if you give- Cartman: [shakes his head back and forth, then rears back, laughing all the while] Stop! Stop! Stop! Stohahahahahahaha... Mr. Mackey: [appears next to Mr. Nelson] Eric, be quiet! Mr. Nelson: No, no, it's okay. He'll run out of steam here pretty soon. [Cartman continues laughing, and even nudges Stan a few times to get him to laugh, but Stan just gets annoyed.] Cartman: Look! Look look, look. They put a little suit on him. [resumes laughing. Mr. Nelson gets pissed off, but holds it in] Scene Description: A comedy club - The Laugh Factory. Randy is walking down the street and notices the club Randy: Ooh! An African-American performer at the comedy club. [rushes over] Scene Description: Inside the club an African-American is doing his routine Comedian: And so I said to my wife, "You told me to kill the damned cockroach! Don't yell at me for making a mess!" [the audience laughs. Randy is in the audience, laughing] We've got a great crowd here tonight. Now, how many people here are actually from Colorado? [a few audience members and Randy clap and holler] Ya got nothin' better to do on a Friday night than to go to a comedy club, huh? [that gets a big laugh from the crowd. The comedian points to Randy] Hey, don't I know you from somewhere? [the crowd falls silent, and Randy looks uncomfortable] Yeah. I know you. You're the guy that said "ni**er" on Wheel of Fortune. [the audience laughs. Randy lets out a weak chuckle] Look! Everybody! It's the "ni**er" guy. [big laughs all around] Man 2: Hey, it is him. Comedian: Oh, we got a star in the club. Everyone wave to the "ni**er" guy. [waves, and the audience waves with him] Say, "Hi, 'ni**er' guy!" Audience: Hi, "ni**er" guy! [Randy waves back and now has a guilty smile on his face, which quickly changes to a guilty frown] Comedian: That's all right, "ni**er" guy. You know we just playin'. [the crowd roars with laughter and claps] Randy: Yeah... No problem... Comedian: Have you all seen these navigation systems in these cars these days? Damn things look like they're right out of "Far Out Space Nuts". Maybe "ni**er" guy has one. You got one, "ni**er" guy? [the audience roars with laughter again and Randy leaves, his head hung in shame. He wanders the streets] Scene Description: A run-down part of the city, night. Man 3: [walks by with a woman] Hey look, Betty. It's that "ni**er" guy. [Randy sighs and walks on] Three kids: [passing by on skateboards] Ni**er guy. Ni**er guy. [they leave, Randy sighs again and walks on. He stops by a 24-hour store to get some aspirin] Clerk: [white] Hey. What do you think you're doing? [an Asian clerk stands behind him] Randy: I just... need some aspirin. Clerk: You aren't welcome in this store, "ni**er" guy. Randy: Fine! [leaves the aspirin on the counter and rushes out the door] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, principal's office. Mr. Nelson is there to lodge a complaint. Principal Victoria sits at her desk, Mr. Mackey stands to her left. Mr. Nelson: Principal Victoria, I am very concerned about the behavior of one of your students. Principal Victoria: Yes, we apologize for Eric Cartman's behavior, Mr. Nelson. We feel terrible. Mr. Nelson: Why? I don't feel terrible. It doesn't bother me at all. [waddles to his left] Words are like bullets, and I let 'em pass right through me. [waddles back] I just know that with some one-on-one time together with this Eric Cartman, I have a chance to change the way he thinks. Mr. Mackey: Uh, it might be best if you just ...let it go, m'kay? Mr. Nelson: You don't understand. [waddles around] You see, words are like bullets. And if you take away the gunpowder- Mr. Mackey: Yeah yeah, we we get it, Mr. Nelson. Principal Victoria: Very well, Mr. Nelson. [presses a button on her phone] Stacey, go ahead and send in Eric Cartman. [the door opens and Cartman walks in and immediately bursts into laughter upon seeing Mr. Nelson.] Eric, Mr. Nelson is concerned about how you respond to little people. Cartman: [stops long enough to respond] Oh. Did I hurt its little feelings? [resumes laughing] Mr. Nelson: You know, you think you have the power to make me insecure, but your words are actually completely powerless. Cartman: [before Mr. Nelson finishes talking] Oh oh oh oh! If we could get, like, eight of these, we could dress them all up like little beavers, right, and then put 'em in a pond, and see if they build a dam! [stomps his foot on the floor, points to Mr. Nelson, and laughs. Principal Victoria buries her face in her hands] Mr. Nelson: You see? No matter what you say, I'm still standing. Cartman: [stops] Barely! [starts up again] Mr. Nelson: [assertively] No matter how you act, I can rise above it! Cartman: [stops] "Rise above it!" Get it? [starts up again] Mr. Nelson: [steps up to Cartman] Shut your fucking mouth! Principal Victoria: Mr. Nelson! [Mr. Nelson blanches. Cartman looks at him, then cracks up again and falls on his ass in laughter] Mr. Nelson: He, he, he didn't get to me. I was I was just I wast just joking Cartman: Look, look how its face gets all red! He's like a little strawberry! Mr. Nelson: [grimaces] Aaaaaaa! Scene Description: South Park, night, Viggo's Coffee House. A sign outside announces "SPOKEN WORD CONTEST TONIGHT," Inside, a pair of black hands drums away on some bongo drums. Next, Randy is shown onstage, the drummer in the background Randy: Words with venom, words that bind. Words used like weapons to cloud my mind. I'm a person. I'm a man. But no matter how I try, people just say "Hey! There's that 'ni**er' guy." [no response from the crowd] Everywhere I go, it's always the same. Everyone just thinks of me as that one single name. "Hey Ni**er Guy! Ni**er Guy! Hi Ni**er Guy!" Stop! Now go. Call me Ni**er Guy! Fill me with your hate! Try to bring me down- Oop up, you're too late. When will it end, will there ever be a time? When I can be thought of as more... than just "Ni**er Guy". [no response from the crowd] Respect. [throws up the V sign and walks off stage] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, hallway. Stan walks up to Token again Stan: Token! Hey, wait up. [Token turns around] I just wanted to say, I get it now. You know, after that "little person" talk at that assembly the other day, I understand how you feel about somebody saying the N word. Token: Sooo black people are midgets? [turns around and walks away. At the far end of the hallway Mr. Nelson rounds the corner and walks towards Stan.] Stan: God dammit! Mr. Nelson: Excuse me, over here, please? All right, I need all students to join me over here. [heads towards the gym. The available students follow him] Scene Description: The gym. Only the fourth graders are there Mr. Nelson: I have called you here because it is time that we taught Eric Cartman a lesson once and for all! In a few seconds, Eric will be sent in, and when we walks through that door, I want you all at the same time to yell, "Hello, fatso!" Craig: ...I don't think that's a very good idea, sir. Mr. Nelson: He has to learn his lesson! You see, words are like bullets. [turns around and sees Cartman] All right all right, here he comes. [walks off-screen. Cartman enters the gym] Kids: "Hello, fatso!" Cartman: Hey! What the hell is that?! You think that's fuckin' funny?! [walks up to Kyle accusingly] Kyle, did you put everybody up to this?! [Mr. Nelson walks out towards the entrance, then curves around to stand behind Cartman] I bet you did! What the hell is going on?! Mr. Nelson: Now you know how it feels. [Cartman turns around and looks at him, then bursts out laughing] You'd better shut up or i'm gonna kick your ass! Cartman: Alright, alright, alright, who is the freaking genius who dressed it up in little suspenders? Clyde, was that you? Gahahahahaha! Scene Description: A conference hall, somewhere. Randy speaks before an entire group made up of only black people. Randy: And so it is my honor to announce today the Randy Marsh African-American Scholarship Foundation. [gets good applause for that] It is my hope that this foundation will prove my commitment to the education of African-American students and erase once and for all my identity as the "ni**er" guy. [no response] You really... you really don't know how hard it is to be constantly reminded of something lame that happened in your past. I mean I... just wanna move on from what happened on "Wheel of Fortune", you know and... and when people call me... "ni**er guy"... they're bringing up a painful chapter of my history and all the negativity that went along with it. You just... you can't imagine how that feels. [no response] Black Man: Is this "ni**er" guy serious? Randy: Anyway, here's to a new start for us all. Thank you! [walks off.] Scene Description: Outside, night. He walks towards his car when a truck passes by. It screeches to a halt and backs up to stop in front of Randy. Two rednecks are in the cab, a third is in the bed Driver: Thar look Skeeter! That's that guy from the TV! Skeeter: [the redneck in the cab] Well well well, looks like we got ourselves a ni**er guy! [reaches down and grabs a shotgun. Randy takes off running.] Randy: Awww! Awwww! [the rednecks give chase. Skeeter just shoots in the air, aiming at no one] Skeeter: Yee haw! Yiiip yip yip yip yip yip. Passenger: Wooo! [pumps his left fist] Randy: Whoa! [sees a clearing across the street and runs into it. The truck passes it, screeches to a halt, and backs up. Randy turns around and sees the three rednecks standing before him, shotguns aimed at him] Skeeter: Where you goin' "ni**er" guy? Randy: Please I, I don't want any trouble. Skeeter: Well you got trouble, when you first decided to slander an entire race of people on "Wheel of Fortune"! Driver: Yeah. You like making fun of minorities, "ni**er" guy? Huh we don't take kindly to social ignorance. Passenger: You tell 'im, Skeeter, you tell 'im! Randy: [holds his hands out in a blocking position] What do you want? Skeeter: What do we want? [he and the passenger laugh] We want to live in a world without people like you who are intolerant of African-Americans! Man 4: [from screen left, out of nowhere] Leave him alone. Passenger: Hey... That's that other "ni**er" guy. Skeeter: Huh? Passenger: That's the guy from Seinfeld, used the N-word a whole bunch o' times. Driver: Michael Richards? Well, son of a bitch! Skeeter: Looks like it's our lucky day! We done got us two "ni**er" guys! Man 5: [from screen right] Make that three. Passenger: Mark Fuhrman? Skeeter: Who? Passenger: He done said the N-word in the O.J. case. Driver: Well what is this? A "ni**er" guy convention? [two more men appear beside Randy, Richards and Fuhrman] Richards: We aren't being pushed around anymore. Leave. Driver: Come on, Skeeter. [he and the other rednecks back up towards their truck] These "ni**er" guys ain't worth our trouble. Skeeter: [from the truck bed] Damn "ni**er" guys! [the other two get into the cab] We'll be back! [the truck starts up and the rednecks hoot and holler and fire off their weapons as they speed away] Richards: [puts his hands on Randy's right shoulder] You'd better come with us. Scene Description: An abandoned barn nearby, moments later. The five men go in Richards: Come on in, Mr. Marsh. We'll make you some coffee. Randy: What's going on here? Fuhrman: [pours Randy a cup of coffee and gives it to him] We've been following your story since we first saw it on the news. Don't worry - you're with friends now. Dale here used the N-word in a racial joke at work. Scott used the plural N-word to refer to a group of gardeners who broke his fence. Scott: They were Mexicans. I was being ironic. Richards: We're all just like you. Randy: No. [smacks Richards' hand off his shoulder and puts the cup down] No no, I'm sorry, but I'm not... like you. I just said the N-word by mistake to win money. Richards: I made a mistake too. [moves forward a bit] I was trying to be funny! I got frustrated and thought I would get some shock laughs. I'm just... not that good of a comedian if you want to know the real truth. Randy: You said the N-word to a black man's face! That's way worse than what I did! Richards: [turns around and gets in Randy's face] You really think that matters?! [moves to Randy's ear] You really think all those people out there see a difference? Oh, they might say your racial slur was more accidental; they might even laugh about it. But at the end of the day, all you are to them is just another damn "ni**er" guy! [Randy swallows a bit] Oh, you don't like that, do ya? Randy: No. Fuhrman: Randy, we want you to join us. We have a plan to make this all go away once and for all. Scene Description: South Park, day, the neighborhood. Stan: Now look, Token, I've done everything I can to make this right! You have no reason to still be mad! Token: I have every reason to be mad! You just don't get it! Stan: I'm not responsible for what my dad did! Token: No, but you can't just pretend it never happened either! Stan: What the hell do you want from me?! [Butters appears across the street, rather out of breath. Upon seeing them, he runs over] Token: Nothing! Stan: Then stop being mad! Token: No! Butters: Fellas! Fellas come quick! Cartman's gonna fight the midget! [Butters runs off. Stan and Token look at each other silently then shrug, as they turn to follow Butters] Scene Description: The community park. The kids have gathered to see Cartman and Mr. Nelson fight. Butters: C'mon now Eric, come on now. Kyle: Dude, are you sure you wanna do this? Apparently this guy has a black belt in karate. Cartman: It's a midget, dude. Mr. Nelson: ["Down with the Sickness" by Disturbed starts playing] Students, I am going to beat the crap out of this kid to prove a point. Cartman: Hahaha, no- no dude. It can't talk, that isn't fair, I'll laugh too much. [the kids urge them to fight, and the match begins] Scene Description: Cartman gets Mr. Nelson ...in a half-Nelson, then picks him up, carries him around 360 degrees, then throws him off. Mr. Nelson gets under Cartman to pick him up and throw him over his back, but ends up just tickling Cartman, and Cartman laughs. Scene Description: The United State Senate. Randy is addressing the senators. Randy: Senators, I know it is not normally considered "American" to ban words. [Randy is flanked by Fuhrman and Richards] But there is one slur that has caused so much damage that we believe it should finally be made illegal. I'm talking, of course, about the term "ni**er guy". Senator 1: "Ni**er guy"? Randy: Two words which by themselves can be harmless but which together... form a verbal missile of hate. Richards: Yeah! That's right! Randy: Oh sure. Some people just use the term in jest - tell a ni**er guy joke or two thinking it's no big deal - but they don't realize it can lead to people using the term as an excuse for violence. Skeeter: [with his two friends] Goddamn ni**er guy's tryin' to be all political-like now! Randy: Senators, I've learned to admit that I'm capable of having- slightly racist thoughts once in a while. Can anybody say they never do? How long will it be before you are all called "ni**er guys"? [the senators are somewhat shocked] Senator 2: Uhhh, hold on a second, are you suggesting that "ni**er guy" could become a slur that refers to all white people? Senator 3: I'm certainly not a ni**er guy. I've never thought a racist thought. Senator 4: [black senator] Aw, come on, you're the biggest ni**er guy in Washington. Senator 1: Mr. Marsh, we see now the importance of your bill. [raises his left hand] All those in favor to ban the term "ni**er guy"? Most Senators: Aye! Senator 1: Opposed? Senator 4: [a lone black senator] Nay? Senator 1: The motion is passed! [lowers the gavel.] Scene Description: Outside the Senate building, supporters of the bill celebrate with confetti and streamers. Randy walks out and across the lawn with Richards and Fuhrman. Randy: We did it! Field reporter: For the first time in American history, a word has been officially banned from use. Senator 3: From now on, if a person uses the word "ni**er," it must be at least seven words away from the word "guy." [a group of black people is shown, not reacting in any way to the announcement. Everyone else continues cheering.] Field reporter: Tom, it appears that the ni**er guy epidemic is ove- [two police officers come and take him away] Oh dammit I said it, didn't I? Scene Description: Back at the community park Cartman and Mr. Nelson continue wrestling. Cartman has beat Mr. Nelson up pretty good and now has him pinned to the ground. Mr. Nelson: AAAA! Ow! Ow! Okay! [Cartman punches him in the face a few times] Okay, you win! Cartman: Say "Uncle!" Mr. Nelson: Ung-cle! Cartman: Hahaha, now say "Carol Anne, don't go into the light!" Mr. Nelson: Carol Anne, don't go into the light! Cartman: Haaha, hahahahahaha! Oh man, that is hysterical! [Mr. Nelson rises and pummels him in the back of the head. Cartman falls forward] Oh! Mr. Nelson: There! Now you all see that I am not limited by my size. [Cartman comes alive again and laughs] I have proven my point! My work here is done! [waddles away. The kids begin to disperse] Stan: What was his point? Kyle: I have no idea. Stan: Dude, I don't get it. Kyle: I don't get it either. Stan: [comes to a certain realization] Wait a minute. That's it! I don't get it. Kyle: ...Huh? Stan: Don't you see, Kyle? I don't get it! [smiles, then walks up to Token] Token, I get it now. I don't get it. I've been trying to say that I understand how you feel, but, I'll never understand. I'll never really get how it feels for a black person to have somebody use the N word. I don't get it. Token: Now you get it, Stan. [smiles] Stan: [smiles] Yeah. I totally don't get it. Token: Thanks, dude.

Scene Description: A scrapbook shot of Butters sleeping, with a poo mustache on his face. Cartman: This picture I like to call "The Pierre". I invited Butters to stay the night, and while he was sleeping I made a mustache on his face with cat poo. Hahahahaha. [the caption reads "THE PIERRE 3/10/07." Cartman flips the page. The pages are artsy in design] And this time, when Butters stayed the night, I put a tampon in his mouth. [Yep, the tampon is in there like a thermometer] I call this picture "The Sleeping Menstrual". [the caption is shown, Cartman flips the page. Kyle, Stan, and Kenny stand around him, looking at the pictures. They're all in Cartman's room.] This one, I call "Hot Fudge Mondae". [caresses the picture] I really like how the light plays with the background on this one. Kyle: Is this all you brought us here to see? Cartman: Oh no, there's much more. [flips the page] Let's see- Oh yes, look at this one: I call it "New Moon Rising". [a shot of Cartman hanging his ass over Butters' face] I did a whole study using my ass. [Cartman's ass over Butters' face from the left side] Here it is using some high-contrast stuff. [next, Cartman wearing darker pajamas, mooning Butters] trying out some... different light filters here. [last shot looks faded, with Cartman's ass directly on Butters' face.] But this is nothing compared to what I have planned. Because tonight... is going to be my coop de grass. Kyle: Butters is staying over tonight? Cartman: Yes. And tonight, while Butters is asleep, I am going to- Butters: [appears at Cartman's bedroom door] Hey, fellas! [Stan and Kenny turn around. Kyle looks over his left shoulder] Cartman: Heh! [quickly puts away his scrapbook] Oh, oh hey, Butters! [turns around and greets him] I wasn't expecting you so soon. Butters: Yeah. [puts down his sleeping bag] I finished my chores so I came over a little early. [Cartman takes the sleeping bag and sets it aside. Butters notices the other guys] Hey! Are you guys all sleepin' over too? Cartman: [returns] No no, these guys were just leaving. [faces the other guys menacingly] Weren't you guys? Stan: Come on, let's go. [leads Kyle and Kenny out the door.] Kyle: [stops] Wait, wai- I can't let this happen. [turns around] Butters. Butters: Yeah Kyle? Kyle: Don't you think it's a little strange that Cartman keeps asking you to stay over? Cartman: Kyyyle! Butters: Uh what do you mean? Kyle: I mean, that if- Cartman: What he means is that he's jealous that you've taken his place as my new best friend! But grow up, Kyle! Change is a part of life. Butters: Heh yeah, grow up, Kyle. Kyle: [angered] Hrrugh! [leaves] Butters: So what do you wanna do first, Eric? You wanna play a game or just chitchat for a while? Cartman: Well actually, Butters, I think we'd better hit the hay pretty soon. Butters: But, uh-ih-it's only 6:30. Cartman: Yeah, and I'm exhausted. If you are not sleepy yet, I have some more of that nighttime cold medicine you can drink. Scene Description: South Park, morning. The boys walk up to the bus stop. Cartman isn't with them. Cartman: [off screen] You guys! I got it! [runs in and joins them] It seriously! It's the greatest picture ever! Oh my God! Stan: What'cha do to Butters this time? Cartman: It was genius! I waited 'til he was totally asleep, right? And then I got my camera, and I pulled down his pants, and then I took a picture of his wiener in my mouth! [cracks up at his own cleverness] Kyle: Dude! Cartman: I know I know, check it out, look. [the other three crowd in and look at the picture] I got his whole wiener in my mouth, see? Heheh. Oh man, I got him good! Stan: Dude, how is putting Butters' wiener in his mouth getting him? Cartman: Because that makes Butters gay now! Kyle: No dude, that makes you gay! Cartman: Eh- ...what? Kyle: You put a guy's wiener in your mouth, that makes you gay, stupid! Cartman: [looks more closely at the picture] Nuh uh. Kyle: Yeah huh! Cartman: Kenny, that doesn't make me gay, huh? Kenny: (Ehe, that makes you very fucking gay.) Cartman: But I'm not g-I'm not gay, you guys! Stan: You are now. Cartman: No, no, it was a stupid mistake! Kyle: Doesn't matter. You're gay now. Cartman: No, it was just for a second! [seeing that his plan has backfired, he puts the picture away] What, what can I do? How-how can I reverse this? Stan: You can't! Kyle: No-no wait. I I know how you can reverse it, Cartman. Cartman: How? Kyle: The only way you can cancel it out is to get Butters to put your wiener in his mouth. Cartman: [low voice] Really? Kyle: Yeah. Then it cancels out the gay polarity. Cartman: [beat] ...Shit, I gotta find Butters! [runs off] Kyle: [beat] ...Idiot. Scene Description: Butters' bedroom, several minutes later. Butters is playing with his toys - a car, a truck, and a small action figure. Butters: [singing] Help me, I thinking I'm falling in love with you... [continues howling the tune] Cartman: [enters the room] Butters. Butters: [stops playing and gets up] Whoa, hey Eric. Cartman: Butters, guess what? I have a surprise for you. Butters: [a little excited] A surprise? What is it? Cartman: It's so fuckin' awesome. You're gonna be so stoked. It's the best surprise ever! Butters: [really excited] Oh boy! Cartman: You ready? Butters: Y-yeah! Cartman: Okay! Just open your mouth and close your eyes and, and get on your knees! Butters: [closes his eyes, opens his mouth, and gets on his knees] Oh, okay! [Cartman grabs a handkerchief from his back pocket and makes a blindfold from it, then puts it on Butters] Cartman: Hang on a second here. [makes sure the blindfold is on snugly] Butters: How come uh, I can't see? Cartman: 'Cause then it wouldn't be a surprise, would it? [rushes off to get the toybox] Butters: Oh uh, ho yeah. Cartman: [under his breath] All right, that's good. [undoes his pants] Okay, open your mouth, Butters? [lowers them and ...] That's good, just like that. Butters: [wary all of a sudden] Hey. Hey wait a minute. This ain't a trick, is it? Why you're not gonna, eh stick something icky in my mouth, are ya? Cartman: ...I swear on my mother's life, Butters. I am not going to stick anything icky in your mouth. [lifts up his shirt to show his massive gut] Butters: Well okay! Cartman: All right, you ready? [grabs Butters' head and draws it closer to his own wiener] All right just- okay, open uh- okay, okay, here it comes. Just sit very still, okay? Here we go. [at that moment the door opens and Stephen enters.] Stephen: Butters! Cartman: Uh! [quickly gets dressed up] Butters: Whoa! Hey Dad! [Cartman steps down from the toy-box and runs away] Stephen: Butters! What are you doing?! Butters: I'm getting a surprise! [points to his mouth] Stephen: Oh my God! My, my only son, reduced to this! [takes off the blindfold] Butters: [looks around] Hey. Where'd Eric go? Stephen: [quite concerned, on bended knee] Butters, how long have you been doing stuff like this? Butters: Like what? Stephen: Don't lie to me, Butters! I know your secret now! No wait, wait. It's okay. It's okay, Butters. This isn't a serious problem. You're just bi-curious. Butters: What's... bi-curious? Stephen: You are. Just harmless curiosity, and it doesn't mean anything. We just need to get you some help, Butters. [Linda appears at the doorway] Linda: What's going on, you two? Butters: Nothin' Mom, I'm just a little bi-curious. [smiles] Scene Description: South Park Church, day. Butters and Stephen are in the rectory. Stephen: Father Maxi, I... just don't know where else to turn. You see, I've just learned that my son is... bi-curious. Father Maxi: Is that true, son? Are you feeling... confused? Butters: ...Yeah, I'm pretty confused alright. Stephen: You see? Father Maxi: Young man, These confused feelings that you're having are simply the Devil's way of trying to get a hold of you. Butters: Really? Stephen: What can I do, Father? Father Maxi: There is a special camp where young men who are confused, like your son, can go and be cleansed by the power of God. Many bi-curious boys come out the camp completely cured. Stephen: A secluded camp where lots of bi-curious boys are all put together? That sounds like a good idea. Butters: Whoa boy! Camp! Scene Description: Stan's living room. He, Kyle, and Kenny are playing a board game, Living. A door opens and closes, and Cartman appears. Cartman: Haahaahahaha! [crosses his arms] Very funny! I suppose you really think you got me! Kyle: What are you talking about, fatass? Cartman: [uncrosses his arms] I checked on the Internet, Kyyyle, and getting Butters to put my wiener in his mouth wouldn't make me not gay like you said! Kyle: You figured that out, huh? Cartman: [crosses his arms again as he turns away] That's right. And I also learned from the Internet that just because I put Butters' wiener in my mouth doesn't mean I'm gay! All I have to do is throw away the picture, forget it ever happened, and nobody will ever know. [pleased with himself] Kyle: Except for us. Cartman: Right, except for you. Kyle: And all the people we tell. Cartman: [turns around] Why would you tell anybody? Stan: Because it's really, really funny. Cartman: ...It's not that funny. There's lots, there's lots of things that are way funnier. Kyle: Like what? Cartman: Liiike... a tampon... in the school cafeteria... in, in somebody's lunch. [grins, but Stan and Kyle ignore him] Liiike, a, a dog crap... on, on a guy's face! [chuckles] Stan: That isn't funny. Cartman: [angrily] Yes it is! Now you guys, I'm getting pissed off! You'd better not tell anybody! Kyle: Well, maybe we will, maybe we won't. Cartman: Fine! Whatever! You guys don't have any proof I put Butters' wiener in my mouth! It will be your word against mine! And we all know that everyone trusts me way more than you guys! [the other boys continue playing. Cartman changes tactics: he pleads] You guys, please don't tell anybody. Kyle: Okay. We won't tell anybody as long as you are super nice to us, every day, from now on. Cartman: Oh right, like that's possible! Alright, fine! You know what I'm gonna do, Kyle?! I'm gonna go home, and photo shop the picture so that it is your face with Butters' wiener in his mouth here! And if ANY of you say anything to anybody, I'll simply show them the picture of Kyle. [turns around and cackles] Haha, hahahaha! [leaves the house] Scene Description: Camp New Grace entrance, night. Stephen pulls up with Butters, and some campers and camp staffers come out to greet them. Butters hops out of the passenger side, dressed in shirt and tie. Stephen goes to the trunk to bring out a suitcase. Leader: Everyone, say hello to our new camper, Butters. Campers: Hi Butters. Hello. Hi. Hello Butters. Stephen: [brings the suitcase to an elder staffer] Thank you so much for taking him in. Director: Don't worry. Your son just needs to learn that he can be straight if he chooses to be. Scene Description: Camp New Grace interior, night. The camp director is showing Butters around. Director: Do you know why you're here at camp, Butters? Butters: Because I'm bi-curious? Director: That's right. Like all the campers here, you're confused, and you don't think there's a way out. But even though some people would have you believe you can't control how you feel, the truth is that with the power of Jesus Christ you can be normal. Now, just to make sure you don't slip up while in camp we assign every camper an accountabilibuddy. [they approach a room] Let's meet Ryan, your accountabilibuddy. [Room 22] Ryan thought he could never change. But now he's learning that with the power of Christ and prayer, he can have a whole new life. [the door opens, and a boy is shown hanging from a noose in the middle of his room. The stool and book he stood on are fallen on the floor. The director quickly closes the door and continues the tour] Over this way we have the cafeteria. All the meals are served there. [notices another boy in front of them] Uh Bradley! How about you be Butters' accountabilibuddy? Bradley: Humble yourselves therefore under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up. - Peter 5:6 Director: Butters here is new to the camp. He's chosen to rid himself of his affliction and forge a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Butters: I'm bi-curious. Bradley: Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman: that is detestable. - Leviticus 18:22. Director: That's right, Bradley. I think we're well on our way to being healed. [(a boy has hanged himself) whispers softly to a staffer as the staffer walks by] We've got another one: Room 22. Staffer: Aw, darnit! Scene Description: Community park, dusk. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are taking turns shooting the basketball at the hoop. Stan shoots and misses Stan: Aw man, I've got H O R S now. [steps aside as Kenny receives the ball.] Kyle: Okay, my turn. [Kenny gives him the ball and Kyle prepares to shoot. Cartman approaches the park behind him] Cartman: Where is it, you filthy Jew?! Kyle: [throws up the ball] Where's what? Cartman: [grabs Kyle by the collar and shakes him violently] You know God damned well what! Kyle: Let go of me. Stan: What the hell are you doing, Cartman?! Cartman: I went home to alter the picture of me with Butters' penis in my mouth to look like Kyle, but it was gone! [shakes Kyle again] What did you do with my picture?! Kyle: Knock it off! I don't have your stupid picture. Cartman: [rolls up his sleeves] Give it back, Kyle! Kyle: I don't have it. Cartman: I swear to God, Kyle, if you don't give it back right now, [puts up his fists as if to box] I'm gonna break your fuckin' Jew legs right here. Kyle: Shut up. Cartman: You shut up! You're lying, and [points an accusing finger at Stan and Kenny] you two are covering up for him! You know what? You're just like Jews yourselves! Stan, you're a Jew, and Kenny, you're a Jew! You're all Jews! [Kyle punches him on the right arm once, firmly] OW! [puts his left hand over his right arm] OW! AAAAUH! [grimaces, turns around, and runs out of the park] NYAAAAAAAAAA! Scene Description: Camp New Grace, chapel, day. Kids of every age are there singing in unison. Campers: The Lord is love this forWith Jesus I can just say noAnd not be confused anymore. Director: We will now hear a sermon from Pastor Phillips. For those of you who are new to camp, Pastor Phillips is somebody who has broken free of the bonds that afflict you. Butters: He's bi-curious too? Director: Not anymore. Because Pastor Phillips prayed, and by the hand of Jesus Christ, he's now completely cured! Let's hear it for Pastor Phillips, kids! Pastor Phillips: [flies onto the stage and prances about speaking flamboyantly] Helloooo campers! [twirls some and strikes a pose] Yeth, believe it or not, I mythelf used to have unclean urges, and like a lot of you, I thought I was just made that way, that I didn't have a choice. But then I realized that God didn't want me to be that way! God wanted me to be a man! [strikes a running pose] So I buckled up in my little suit and I prayed to be normal and guess what? [jumps up into the air and does a 1080] It worrrrked! [strikes another pose, then eases up] Director: That's right, kids. You see, right now you're like a paper clip. [pulls on out of his back pocket] And just like a paper clip, [begins to mess with it] God needs to bend you, and shape you, and make youuuu... straight. [presents the straightened paper clip. A Latino boy pulls out a gun, shoots himself through the temple, and goes down. Butters is startled. The director and Pastor Phillips just stand there.] Scene Description: Park County Police Station, South Park Division, day. Det. Yates: So you say you were robbed. [fills out a police report] Cartman: Yes. A photograph. And I know who took it! His name is Kyle Broflovski. Det. Yates: If it's a photo, what's the big deal? Why don't you just print out another one? Cartman: It's a big deal, okay?! That picture is my propertih, and I want it back! Det. Yates: Okay, what is the picture of? Cartman: [long pause] Why... why does that matter? Det. Yates: Well how are we gonna find your picture unless we know what it is? Cartman: All right. It's a picture ...of me. Det. Yates: Yes? Cartman: It's a picture ...of me. [long pause] And um... what appears to be... a penis... in my mouth. Det. Yates: [long pause] You were sucking somebody's penis. [this grabs other officers' attention.] Cartman: No, no I was not! I was asleep, and this person just... put their penis in my mouth without me knowing! And and took the picture! Det. Yates: ...I see. Cartman: Yes. Now it may appear in the picture... that I'm actually looking at the camera lens and smiling, with the penis in my mouth. And giving a thumbs up. But I assure you, I was fast asleep. Det. Yates: Well we'd have to get a warrant first, approved by a grand jury. Cartman: I don't have time for that! We have school tomorrow! And I know that Kyle is gonna show the picture to everybody during Show and Tell! Det. Yates: Well then, you're screwed. Scene Description: Camp New Grace, camp office. Butters and Bradley face the director and four staffers - one of them is a woman, another is Pastor Phillips Director: You both do understand that we're trying to save your souls from eternal life in hell? Butters: Well sure, I guess. Bradley: Only through Christ can we cleanse our souls. Director: And you do know the rule which states that no impure or immoral images are allowed to be seen by the eye? Butters: Well yeah, sure. Bradley: So let's purify ourselves from everything that makes the body or soul unclean. - Corinthians, chapter 7. Director: Then do you mind telling us why we found this [holds up a magazine with an aroused male model on one of its pages] 1979 Sears men's underwear catalog... in your room? Bradley: That's... that's mine. Director: You know this is strictly forbidden! Butters: Ah I don't understand. What's wrong with underwear? Director: [rises from his chair and walks up to Butters] What's wrong?! [thrusts the magazine onto Butters' face] This is what makes you confused! Don't you get it?! This is confusing you right now, isn't it?! Butters: Yes, it's all very confusing! Director: This is just as much your fault, Butters! Bradley is your accountabilibuddy! That makes you accountabilibuddyable. Both of your boys' behavior has jeopardizing all of the work we're doing here to save these kids! [a gunshot and body drop are heard off screen and all the adults present look to their right. The director sighs twice, rests his left elbow on his desk, holds his left hand up, drops his head onto it, and closes his eyes. The other staffers take notice. Bradley looks down, Butters looks down, then around] Right. For having contraband in your room, you will both do penance by writing scripture for the next four days! Scene Description: 8:26 p.m., Cartman's room. Cartman sits at his desk looking distraught. Cartman: That son of a bitch. He's gonna show everyone that picture. Only twelve hours from now. [pounds his desk and gets determined] That's it. I don't have a choice. I'm gonna have to bring Mom in on this one! I'm just... going to have to tell her the truth. [grabs his ears and starts twisting them until they hurt] Ow. OW. OW! Scene Description: The Cartman's kitchen, moments later. Liane balances her checkbook and pays off some bills at the breakfast table. Cartman enters the kitchen, puts his head against the wall and begins to cry. Liane: [taking notice] Eric? What's the, what's the matter? [walks over to him to console him] Cartman: [crying throughout] I, don't, want to go to school tomorrow! Liane: Sweetie, shhh, tell Mommy what happened. Cartman: Kyle, has a picture of me, and he's gonna show everyone during Show and Tell, and, everyone's gonna laugh at meeee. Liane: Oh, now why would he do that? Cartman: Because, he's jealous of how much smarter I am than him. So, he's gonna show everyone the picturrrre. Liane: What is the picture of, Eric? [Cartman stops crying] Cartman: [sniffles] Last time, when Butters stayed the night, I was being really nice to him and I was... gonna take a picture of him for his mom to have. Liane: Ohh, that's nice. Cartman: But then, right when I took the picture, Butters got really hot, so he pulled his pajama bottoms down, and then I tripped, and, fell down, and my mouth landed right on his penis, and, then I thought of something funny, so I smiled up at, the camera and gave like a, thumbs up, and, and then Kyle took the picture from me, and he's gonna show it to everybody, and make them think I'm gaaaaaaay! [turns his face to the wall and cries again] Liane: Oh, there there, sweetie. It'll be okay. These things happen. Cartman: [looks at her and sobs] But, Mom, I've been trying to get the picture back, but he won't give it to meee! [turns to her and cries into her chest] Liane: It's okay, Eric. I'll have a talk with Kyle's mother. Cartman: You, you will? Scene Description: Butters and Bradley are in their room doing penance - writing Biblical verses at the table. Butters: ...but that He loved us and sent His Only Son to be the satisfaction of our sins. Neato! Bradley: Butters, I'm sorry for getting you into trouble. Butters: Awww, that's okay, Bradley. Bradley: I really want to get better. I try to do everything the counselors say, but some...how I still feel confused. Butters: Yeah, well hopefully, when we finish writin' all these verses, we won't be bi-curious no more, and then we can go home! Bradley: You're really terrific, Butters. I mean, I think you're great. [warm thoughts... Bradley panics and leaves his chair] Uh oh! Oh God! Bad thought! Bad thought! Butters: Wuh-what's the matter? Bradley: I think, I, I th-, I think I like you. Butters: Well I like you too, Bradley. Bradley: You do? Butters: Well yeah! Bradley: You like like me? Butters: Sure, I like like you a lot lot. [laughs] Bradley: Oh God, we're both un-fixable! Don't you see we're lost causes?! We're just evil and nothing can change us! There's no other way out, Butters! We have to kill ourselves! [runs to the door and opens it, then runs out and away] Butters: [gives chase, but isn't fast enough] No! Bradley! You can't leave; you're my accountabilibuddy! Scene Description: The Broflovski house, dinnertime. The Broflovskis are eating. The phone rings and Sheila gets up to answer it. Sheila: Hello? Liane: Hello, Sheila? It's Liane, Eric's mother. Sheila: Ohh, hello, Mrs. Cartman. Liane: Um, Sheila, I'm sorry to trouble you with this, but apparently your son has a picture of Eric with another boy's penis in his mouth. Sheila: [long pause] Excuse me? Scene Description: 8:56 p.m., Cartman's room. Cartman is back at his desk fretting about the following day. Liane: Don't worry, sweetie, everything is fine. Cartman: It is? [happily jumps off his chair and runs to her] Really? Oh Mommy thank you! Thank you! [hugs her] Liane: You have nothing to worry about in school tomorrow. Mrs. Broflovski assured me that Kyle doesn't have the picture. Cartman: [his smile vanishes] What? Liane: She talked with her son and says he doesn't have it. Cartman: Mom, she's lying! Liane: She said she was sure, Eric. Cartman: Mom, you don't know anything about Jews! They lie all the time! Liane: Well, Eric, there's nothing more I can do about it. Cartman: [thinks a moment] Then that's it. Kyle wins. But he won't win completely! I'm going to print out another copy of that picture and show it to the class myself! I can at least rob Kyle of his final laugh. Scene Description: Camp office, night. Butters is in there talking to the director. Director: Do you mind telling me how you managed to lose... your accountabilibuddy?! Butters: I went looking for 'im, but he runs real fast. Director: You don't seem to take this camp seriously, Butters. I've called your father in for a talk. Butters: Oh no, my Dad? Director: Do you understand the concept of Hell? Do you realize that if we don't fix you, you will burn in a lake of fire for eternity? Butters: Well yeah, but I just don't quite understand what you're fixin'. Director: We're fixing your confusion! Stephen: There you are, Butters! Director: Oheh- hey Dad. Stephen: What's he done now?! Director: Mr. Stotch, your son is insubordinate, unwilling to change, and worse yet, he's lost his accountabilibuddy! A counselor: They found him! They found Bradley! You'd better come quick! [Butters runs out, followed by Stephen, then the counselor, then the director] Scene Description: A bridge similar to the one in "Fat Butt and Pancake Head", day. Bradley is near the middle of the span, hanging on to the side but ready to jump off. A crowd has gathered at one end of the bridge. The director arrives, followed by Pastor Phillips, Butters, and Stephen Director: Oh Lord in Heaven! Don't jump, Bradley! Bradley: Stay-stay back! I'm an abomination of God! Director: No no, we're fixing you! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. Cartman marches towards class with a slide projector. He turns left and enters the classroom Scene Description: Mrs. Garrison's class. Cartman approaches Kyle Cartman: Guess you think today is your big day, huh Kyle? To embarrass me in front of everyone? [Kyle turns around and Cartman is in his face. Cartman softly says] Well guess what? I'm not giving you the satisfaction! Mrs. Garrison: Okay students, let's all take our seats. Since it is Monday, we'll start as always with Show And Tell. [writes the words on the board] Who'd like to go first? [Cartman holds down Kyle's arm while raising his own and grunts] Kyle: Ow! Quit it, dude! Mrs. Garrison: Okay Eric, Jesus, calm down. You can go first. Cartman: HA! [gets up and goes to the board, pulls down the projector screen and clears his throat.] For Show And Tell today, I would like to share with you some very special, very artsy photographs I've taken in pursuit of being a respected photographer. [clicks the projector on, and the class lights dim] This first picture I like to call "Moods of Winter" [a shot of snow-covered barren trees], a simple aspen grove shot in high-contrast black and white shows the brittleness of the trunks and reminds one... of death. This picture I took just as the sun was rising and this lonely man was walking to work. A statement about... all of our loneliness, perhaps? Kyle: [to Stan] He isn't actually going to show everyone... Cartman: And now this next picture [clears his throat. Quick cut to] Scene Description: The bridge near camp, day. Bradley is still hanging on. Director: Don't jump, Bradley! You will only make god angrier with you! Bradley: It's too late. Butters: [approaches the bridge] Bradley, please. You're my accountabilibuddy. How will this make me look? Director: You get back. You're only gonna make things worse. Bradley: I'm not normal. I'll never be normal! Butters: You're perfectly normal, Bradley. Director: Get back! You're just as confused as he is! Butters: [gets angry] All right. All right that does it! [turns around and faces the crowd] I am sick and tired of everyone telling me I'm confused! I wasn't confused until other people started tellin' me I was! [Bradley listens] You know what I think? I think maybe you are the ones who are confused! Bradley: Yeah. Butters: I'm not gonna be confused anymore just because you say I should be! My name is Butters, I'm eight years old, I'm blood type O, and I'm bi-curious! And even that's okay! Because if I'm bi-curious, and I'm somehow made from God, then I think your God must be a little bi-curious himself! [Bradley thinks about this] Bradley: I think. I think I'd like to come down now. Director: He's coming down! [everyone begins to chatter] We did it! [stops by Bradley as Bradley climbs back onto the bridge's road] Through the power of Christ we have saved this child! Stephen: Well Butters, I guess we might as well go home. Looks like you're never gonna change. Butters: No. I like bein' bi-curious. Stephen: Well you know somethin'? So do I. [they both have a good laugh about it] Butters: Wait. Now I am confused. Scene Description: Mrs. Garrison's class. Cartman continues his presentation Cartman: And this photograph I took of a sunset near the power plant. Note how the contrasting images make a statement about our impact on the Earth. Which brings us to my last picture. Ahem. This picture you may find somewhat... controversial. [everyone gasps] Bebe: Eww! Clyde: [long pause] Dude. Cartman: Yes. This is shot at a 5.6 aperture using a low-light filter. You can see the grain from the high-speed film - there's sort of a- penis in my mouth right here - and the low depth of field keeps the background soft. Mrs. Garrison: Eric, what the hell is this?! Cartman: What this is, is a statement against the war in Iraq. It's wrong that we still have our troops there. It's wrong! And what I think that- Mr. Mackey: [at the door] Uh, Eric Cartman? We got an emergency message from your mother? [reads the message] "Do not show picture. Kyle didn't have it after all. Found it under your desk." She said you'd know what that means, m'kay? [walks away. Cartman stands there looking at the door, then at the class. Kyle has a look of pity for Cartman on his face and blinks] Cartman: [longer pause] ...Lame.

Scene Description: South Park Elementary, morning. The bell rings and the fourth graders take their seats. Mrs. Garrison enters with her books and sets them on her desk. Mrs. Garrison: All right, students, let's take our seats. Apparently we have a little problem here at the school which we need to talk about. Cartman: Ah yes. You mean the Jew problem. [points to Kyle, but blocks Kyle's view of his left hand with his right.] Good, good! I'm glad we're finally gonna do something about it. Mrs. Garrison: No, I mean the problem of head lice. [a shot of the class] There's been a lice breakout at a school in Denver, and we need to make sure nobody spreads it here. Bebe: Somebody might have lice? Class: Ewww! Mrs. Garrison: So today you're all going to the gymnasium to have your scalps examined. Cartman: Uh th-that is completely unnecessary. Everyone knows that only poor people can get lice. The only person that can spread it here is Kenny. Kenny: (What? Fuck you!) Mrs. Garrison: I'm sure this class is clean, but we're gonna be examined so that if anyone has the lice, we can stop it before it spreads. [the camera zooms in on Clyde, then on his hair...] Lice can live in anybody's hair. [...until the hair resembles a forest, with tiny houses built upon the individual hairs and a colony of lice walking around on the scalp below.] Scene Description: Clyde's scalp. The camera follows one louse as he walks through this forest. Male Louse: [approaching a female louse with a growing louse egg resting in a nest built on a shaft] Hello, Kelly. How's my baby? Kelly: [sassily] You mean me or the little one? Male Louse: I mean both. Kelly: Well, besides a little loneliness waiting for Daddy to come home, I guess we're both okay. Male Louse: [holds onto one of the female's pincers] How did a louse like me get so lucky to have a louse like you? Kelly: Luck had nothing to do with it, Travis. [a group of lice tug on a hair nearby and pull it down. Travis and Kelly look on. He lets go and walks towards the fallen hair] You okay? Travis: Sometimes... I just worry what kind of world our baby is gonna grow up in. [turns around] I need to run up to the forest and do another sediment analysis. I'm worried we might be overworking the tertiary layer. [turns away and walks off] Scene Description: The gymnasium, later. The classes are lined up by grade level, with various screeners waiting at the heads of the lines. Lead screener: All students, make sure you're in line according to your grade. When you reach the front of the line you will go behind the curtain and remove any hats to be checked. [The first students go behind the curtains. Craig takes off his hat and does the same] Butters: Boy, I sure hope they don't find lice in my hair. Stan: [looks to Kyle] What do you think happens if you do have it? Cartman: [answering] They drag you out of here, put you in this big containment facility, where they stick a cold metal pipe up your ass with this clear jelly, and then they shock your balls. [Butters gasps] Craig: [leaves the curtain and puts on his hat] I'm clean! I knew I didn't have any stupid lice! [walks past the rest of the class] Cartman: This is ridiculous. All this just so they can send Kenny and his stupid head lice home. Kenny: (Hey! Fuck off!) [The screener waves Clyde forward and Clyde steps behind the curtain] Lead screener: Have a seat on the stool. [Clyde goes to the stool] Scene Description: Clyde's scalp. The camera tracks Travis as he moves through the forest, but the scalp begins to shake and he stops. He turns around to see the hair part and a huge human eye pop up. The eye blinks, then he blinks, then the eye blinks again. Travis backs up a bit, then turns to run. Scene Description: Behind the curtain. The screener has spotted the lice. Lead screener: Uh oh, looks like you've got 'em. Clyde: What? Lead screener: You have lice. Let's see... Clyde Harris, is it? Clyde: Oh my God. Oh Christ no! Lead screener: [writes a note and gives it to him] Now now, it's all right. We're going to call your parents and get you to your doctor. Clyde: Please, ya-you don't understand. The other kids are gonna make fun of me forever! Lead screener: I'm sure your friends aren't that cruel. Clyde: Yes they are! Scene Description: Clyde's scalp. A group of lice surround the stump left from the fallen hair, including some older lice. Travis: [approaching the group] Mr. President! Mr. President! I believe we have a serious problem! [the other lice look at him] The environment... is changing. I believe it is somehow, reacting to our presence on it. President: And what do you base this on? Travis: [walks up to a hair and draws a human head on it] Look, this is the world, right? But now, think of the world as... a living being. [the other lice look surprised] If it were somehow conscious, then it would ultimately become aware of our effect on it. Older Louse: Huh right, the world is conscious. It makes perfect sense. [kneels and knocks on the scalp several times] Hello. Anybody? [the other lice begin to laugh.] Travis: If we have made too much of an impact, then that consciousness would try to snuff us out! I think we're looking at a global catastrophe, the likes of which we've never seen! Older Louse: Poodiggery and poppycock! Travis: I think we need to put all resources now into a full investigation, perhaps even begin a licewide evacuation. Older Louse: Evacuation?! Tomorrow is the Gootack Festival. Do you know how much money we would lose? Escort Mr. Mayfield out. The President can't be bothered any further. Travis: [as security escorts him away] Damn you Vice President Craig! You could be killin' us all! Scene Description: A waiting room. Clyde and his mom sit with a man reading a magazine, and a girl with her mother. Clyde looks around Clyde: This is so... embarrassing. Girl: I have an ear infection. What are you seeing the doctor for? Clyde: I have... I have AIDS. [his mother looks at him, astonished] Nurse: Clyde Harris? [Clyde goes in to see the doctor.] Doctor: [writing out a prescription] Yeeaahh, that's a pretty bad lice problem there. Good thing they pulled you out of school. Clyde: [desperate] But why me, doctor? Why me?! How did I get this?! Doctor: [walks up to Clyde] Well, believe it or not, some lice can actually attach themselves to flies, and then wait for the fly to land on someone's head where they can reproduce. And then the lice that live in your head now were probably all born there. Clyde: ...Sick! Doctor: This shampoo should take care of it. [hands him a bottle] Use this in the shower. Your scalp may burn a bit afterwards, but... it should kill... every last one of them. Scene Description: Clyde's scalp. The lice go about their business, climbing up and down the hairs. Travis takes a break on a hair stump. Kelly: Travis? Everything okay? Travis: Kelly, I was just thinkin' about our baby. I want to name her... Hope. Kelly: Hope? Travis: Hope for a... chance at tomorrow? [water begins to drop down from on high] Louse 1: It's raining? Now? [Other lice stop and notice. Turns out Clyde is taking a shower.] Scene Description: Clyde's shower. He rinses himself off and then picks up the shampoo he was given: RID-X. KILLS INSTANTLY LICE & THEIR EGGS. Scene Description: Clyde's scalp. The rain continues and the lice get used to it. Louse 2: [starts dancing] Woohoo! I love the rain! [other lice join in the play. Travis doesn't have a good feeling about this] Travis: Oh my God. [runs to Kelly and their egg] We have to get out of here! Kelly: What it, it's just rain. Travis: We have to get out of here now, Kelly! [grabs the egg and runs off with Kelly. Other lice continue dancing in the rain while still others watch. One or two look around and notice a green liquid spreading over the scalp.] Louse 3: What is that? [walks up to the leading edge, reaches down and grabs a gob of it. The liquid quickly eats through his pincer and he screams in pain. The leading edge of the liquid moves past him and leaves him trapped in the liquid, which eats at him some more] Lice: Whoa! [the liquid finally finishes him off. The other lice see the leading edge of the liquid get closer to them, and they run] Ruuun! [some of them get overtaken by the liquid, which is now moving quickly over the scalp. The camera follows them until it finds Travis] Travis: Everyone get up into the trees! We have to get up high! Come on, Kelly! [the lice that can, climb up the hairs while the others get swept up by the RID-X and killed] Kelly: My God, Travis, they're all dying! Travis: Don't look, Kelly! Don't look! Louse 4: What the hell is it?! Louse 5: Well it's okay, we're safe up here! [the hairs begin to sway back and forth as a strong wind begins to blow] Travis: I don't think so! [lice begin to be pushed off the hairs] Louse 4: [blown away] OoOhOOOoooh! Scene Description: Clyde's bathroom. He's standing on a stool before the mirror blowing his hair dry. Scene Description: Clyde's scalp. The wind keeps blowing lice off hair. Travis hangs on tight to the hair and to Kelly. Kelly: Travis! Travis: Kelly! Hang on! Kelly: I can't... hang on! Travis: You have to! For the baby! [Kelly's grip loosens. She tightens it, but the wind rips her from the pincer she was holding on with] Kelly: Nooooooooooo! Travis: Kellllllyyyyy! No! Noooo! [he's left alone on the hair with the egg, Hope] Scene Description: Clyde's bathroom. He's done drying his hair and sets the hair dryer aside, steps off the stool, turns off the light, and leaves. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, Mrs. Garrison's class. She's just come in with her books. Mrs. Garrison: Okay, kids, today we're going to review some Civil War history. Who can tell me what year the war started? Cartman: Waiwaiwait, whoa whoa, so what happened? Mrs. Garrison: With what? Craig: With the lice exam. Did they find anybody with lice? [Clyde looks apprehensive, and Mrs. Garrison notices] Mrs. Garrison: Y-yes, some lice was discovered and the proper action has been taken. Stan: Somebody in this class? Mrs. Garrison: Uh, yes. Class: Ohhhhh. Cartman: Well who was it? [points to Kenny] It was Kenny, right? Mrs. Garrison: That doesn't matter, it's over. Cartman: Doesn't matter?! If somebody had parasites in their hair, we need to know who! [points to Kenny again] It was Kenny, wasn't it? Red: I wanna know who it was, too. Mrs. Garrison: It's being kept confidential! There's a policy in the schools not to single out a kid who has lice, because of the embarrassment it can cause, okay?! Cartman: [pounds on his desk] That is bullcrap! You are denying our rights as children to totally rip on that kid and make him or her feel like an outcast! Class: Yeah! Bebe: And we have a right to know which boy had lice in his hair so we don't ever go out with them! Craig: How do we know it was a boy? It could just have easily been one of you stupid girls! Butters: Yeah! Dumb girls! Mrs. Garrison: The case is closed! Whoever had the lice, they're dead now! We're moving on to Civil War history. [the camera zooms in on Clyde again] Ulysses S. Grant- Scene Description: Clyde's scalp, the aftermath. Travis is asleep on the scalp, battered and bruised from the wind. He coughs himself awake and finds the egg with him, intact Travis: Hope. Hope, you're alive. [he stands up to his full height and surveys the destruction all around him] My God... [a decomposed louse stands up and collapses on him] Heh?! Louse 6: Help me... Help meeee... [it falls away and dies] Louse 7: Travis. [Travis looks to his right] Over here! Travis, if you hadn't warned us to get up in them trees, we'd all be dead. Travis: How many survivors? Louse 7: Just the six of us. And the Vice President. Travis: [notices and throws the Vice President up against a hair] You son of a bitch! You had a chance to stop this! So help me, if we live through this, I'm gonna see you rot in prison! Louse 8: What do we do now? Travis: [turns and faces the others] We aren't out of this yet! You two look for other survivors. You get whatever food you can and bring it back here. [the lice do as commanded] Vice President: [the older louse] Who put you in charge?! Travis: [turns around] God did! When he killed my wife! [turns back and walks away] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, hallway. The fourth graders leave the classroom. Cartman: All right, the person who had head lice needs to speak up right now, so that we know to stay away from you! [Opposite Cartman are Jimmy, Tweek, Clyde, Anne, Bebe, Red. and two other kids. With Cartman are Craig, Token, Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Kevin, Butters, and Wendy] Craig: Yeah, come on! We're gonna find out sooner or later. Cartman: Okay, whoever you are, you are now not only a licehead, you're a liar! You're only making this worse on yourself! Kyle: You know what? I'll bet it was you! Cartman: Me?! Kyle: This is exactly what you would do if they found lice in your hair! Try to lead the charge against somebody else to take the suspicion off of yourself! Cartman: I don't think so, Kyle! But you know what?! This is exactly what you would do if you had had head lice! Try to get everyone to blame me! Stan: You guys stop it! This isn't getting us anywhere! Cartman: That's exactly what you would do if you had had head lice, Stan. [Stan is stunned] Kyle: Yeah, try to have everyone make peace so it doesn't seem like a big deal. Cartman: And this is exactly what Kenny would do: stand here and say nothing! [Kenny makes an angry face] Butters: [sensing where this is going] Heh hey guys, what would I do? Bebe: Let's just get a magnifying glass and look at everyone's heads. Kyle: It's too late. The treatment would have killed it all. Clyde: Well I guess we're never gonna know. There's no way to tell. Cartman: There's a way! There's a way to find out who had sick-ass head cooties! And I'm gonna find it! [turns left and walks away. Clyde looks around] Kyle: It was him. It had to have been him! Stan: Yeah... Or you. [they check out each other] Scene Description: Clyde's scalp. More survivors are brought to the clearing Louse 9: Mark? Mark, you have to hang on. Travis: This isn't going to stop. The world is rejecting us! If we're gonna live, we have to get off this planet. Louse 8: How? Travis: First we have to get out of the forest, into the forbidden zone. It's the only way we might even see another planet! Louse 9: The forbidden zone... We'll be exposed. We'll die out there. Travis: We'll die here! Look, the world is getting rid of us! Don't you get it?! Louse 10: Getting rid of us? You-you mean like it knows what it's doing? Travis: Yes! Because maybe we rolled the dice too many times! Louse 9: I'm not leaving my husband. Louse 11: Yeah huh-I'll take my chances here. Travis: You can all stay here; I'm gonna try to save my baby. [turns around and walks away] Louse 12: [redhead, runs up to him] I'll go with you. There's nothing left for me here. Vice President: I wanna go too. Travis: Not a chance. Vice President: Look, I know I messed up, all right? But I think you're right. If we can get out of the forest, we might find another place to live. Travis: If we find anything, we'll try to send help for the rest of you. [to the redhead and the Vice President] Let's go. [the redhead moves] Come on if you're comin' Mister Vice President! [turns left and follows the redhead] Vice President: [tarries] Yeah. Right behind you. [pulls out a gun and cocks it] Scene Description: A storage room somewhere in school. Cartman is wearing a detective coat as other fourth grade boys enter the room Cartman: All right, lock that door, Craig! [Craig goes to lock the door] Kyle: What's this about, Cartman? [the boys are now seated on a bench against a wall] Cartman: I've come up with a test that can determine if it was any of us who had the head lice. [whips out a little propane torch from his right pocket] We're gonna find out once and for all who had head cooties. [whips out a lighter from his left pocket, strikes the lighter on, and uses the lighter to light the torch. He puts the lighter away. Clyde is scared now.] Lice feed on a person's blood, and just like mosquitoes they leave small traces of their saliva in the host's bloodstream. That saliva, is monochromagnic. So if an infected person's blood is touched by... this hot metal coil, say... that person's blood will jump 10 meters into the air. Jimmy: Ur ur re- ur really? Kyle: That's retarded! You didn't come up with that experiment, Cartman, you saw it in that movie, The Thing! Cartman: [figuring out how to respond] This is a scientific test, designed to- Kyle: You saw it in The Thing and you're wasting everyone's time! Cartman: I thought you might say that, Kyle. Because you don't want to take the test, do you?! Kyle: Nobody's blood is going to jump up in the air! Cartman: If it isn't going to work, then what are you afraid of? The only person who wouldn't want to take the test is somebody who was worried it might work and reveal that they were the ones with lice! Craig: Yeah. That's true. Jimmy: I have no problem taking the test. I have nothing to hi-huhiii-hide Token: Yeah. Me neither. Kyle: All right, fine. I'll do the dumb test. Cartman: Everyone take a Petri dish and a syringe. We need at least 30 cc's of blood from each one of you. Scene Description: The storage room, moments later. The boys have all given their 30 cc's in the labeled Petri dishes. Cartman: All right, now everyone back over there! [the boys head back to the bench] We'll start with what I already know. [moves the heated coil tip over the blood sample. Only steam comes from it] Butters: Well, guess that proves Eric wasn't the one with head lice. Kyle: It doesn't prove anything! Cartman: Yeah? Let's just see what your blood does, Kyle! [takes Kyle's Petri dish and ...the same thing happens] Huh, I guess you're clean. [tries another Petri dish] Clyde: Ye-you guys, we'd better go. Recess is almost over. Cartman: It's all right, it won't take much longer, just-AHH AHHGH! [sticks the tip into the Petri dish, causing the blood to heat up and jump out of the dish. He gets the blood all over himself, and for good measure, tosses the rest of the blood onto himself.] Token: What the hell?! [Clyde is scared shitless. Cartman turns the dish around to reveal the name: Kenny] Cartman: Kenny! Kyle: No way. Craig: You were right all along, Eric. It was Kenny. Cartman: Of course I was right! I told you only poor people get lice! [silence for a second or two, then Kenny bolts for the door, pushing Craig aside, opening the door, and running down the hall] Scene Description: Clyde's scalp. The survivors have made it to the hairline. Louse 12: We've done it. We've reached the forbidden zone. [a vast space of... nothing, like a desert] I've always heard stories about this place. Never thought it was real. Travis: It's real. Real as my love for my unborn baby. Vice President: So what exactly is your plan, Travis? Travis: Our ancestors came here from another world. Maybe there's still other worlds out there with life forms like us. Maybe there's even a world where they've learned to live with the planet instead of just on it. Louse 12: Travis. Travis, you're, so wise, so strong. If we make it out of this, I'd like to... be with you. Travis: Sorry, babe, but my heart is forever stenciled in permanent ink with the name [closes his eyes] Kelly. Louse 12: She was a lucky woman to have you. Travis: Luck had nothin' to do with it. [a gunshot from behind kills the redhead, who wobbles forward, then back and to the ground. The Vice President keeps his gun trained on her corpse] Vice President: [aims his gun at Travis] Sorry to cut the honeymoon short! Travis: Why you murdering bastard! Vice President: Your little fantasy of another world ends here! Walk! Travis: What the hell do you want, Vice President?! Vice President: Walk! [Travis turns and walks, and the Vice President follows him, keeping the gun trained on him.] Scene Description: Clyde's house, day. The doorbell rings and Clyde goes to answer it. Cartman, Craig, and a few others - Token and Jimmy - are outside with socks and bars of soap. Craig: Clyde, dude, get down to the park. We caught Kenny, and we're all gonna let him have it! [points to the sock in his right hand] Clyde: What? What are you gonna do to him? Cartman: He lied to us all! He betrayed his kind! We all know what has to happen. [beat] Grab a sock and a bar of soap, and meet us at the park! [they turn and head off] Clyde: [his eyes wander as he thinks] You guys, wait. [the guys turn around] Cartman: What, Clyde? Clyde: I... nothing. Cartman: All right, see you there! [the guys turn around and leave] Remember, bar of soap and a sock! Kenny's gonna get it! Token, Craig: Yeah! Jimmy: Yeah! We're gonna fu-fu-fuck him up! [Clyde sees them leave, then backs up, scared] Scene Description: Mrs. Garrison's house, day. Mrs. Garrison seems to be preparing an omelet for herself, adding garlic salt and putting it aside. The phone rings and she picks up. Mrs. Garrison: Yello? Clyde: Mrs. Garrison, one of your students is about to be attacked at the park by all the other students. Mrs. Garrison: What? Who's going to get attacked? Who is this?! Clyde: Please just hurry to the park! You have to stop them! Scene Description: Clyde's scalp, the hairline. The Vice President and Travis are still walking Vice President: That's good! That's far enough! [Travis stops and turns] Travis: What are you going to do? Vice President: I'm gonna go back to the village, start to rebuild, mate with the females, become... President! Travis: Don't you get it? The world doesn't want you here! It's not gonna stop until you're dead! Vice President: It was a disaster! Disasters happen! Travis: Then go ahead and die there, I'm leavin' with my baby! Vice President: Actually, you're never leaving here either, Travis! [shoots out the knees of Travis's hind legs] Travis: Damn you! Why?! Vice President: Because when I'm President, I can't have pests like you constantly trying to preach that the world is alive! You're an idealistic fool! The world is not "conscious," we are conscious! If the world was alive, it would feel this! [plugs six bullets into Clyde's scalp] Scene Description: Clyde's neighborhood, day. He's walking towards the park. Clyde: [feeling the little stings] Ow. [reaches back to the base of his skull] Scene Description: Clyde's scalp, the hairline. The Vice President is about to finish Travis off Vice President: You die he- [looks up. Two fingers reach down and grab him. He screams like he's never screamed before as Travis watches the fingers take him away.] Scene Description: Clyde's neighborhood, day. Clyde glances at the louse and tosses it away. The Vice President screams to his death on the sidewalk below. Scene Description: Clyde's scalp, the hairline. Travis tries to stand up, but ends up flat on his back. He can no longer move, so he just cries. Scene Description: The neighborhood park. The boys have gathered on the basketball court to let Kenny have it. Cartman: Kenny McCormick, you are charged with bringing head cooties into our school, and lying about it to cover your ass! How do you plead?! Kenny: [restrained by Kevin and Bradley] (Not guilty!) Cartman: Guilty! I thought so! [the boys pull down his hood and coat, and his shirt] Craig: All right, let's do this! Clyde: You guys, maybe we should just... wait a few more minutes? Cartman: All right, Kenny. You know what has to happen! Sock bath! Everyone wash Kenny with the soap and dry him off with the socks! [the boys gang up on Kenny and give him the sock bath] Kenny: Nohoho! No, not the socks! Ahhhgh, stop! Clyde: Wait, wait! Kyle: Wait... stop it, stop it! [he walks away; the others stop and look at him] I can't let Kenny be sock-dried. Craig: He had cooties and he lied about it! Kyle: [looks over his left shoulder] Kenny didn't have the head lice, all right?! [looks away] It was me. Clyde: What? Kyle: I was the one. I was too afraid to say anything, but I can't let Kenny be sock-bathed for it. Stan: Why are you saying that, Kyle? You can't be the one who had head lice. [walks up to him] Because I was. You're just trying to make me feel bad because you figured that out, didn't you?! Clyde: Wait a-wait a minute, what? Cartman: Oh I get it. [walks up to Stan and Kyle] This is some kind of big trick on me! You've known I was the one with head lice all along, huh?! Stan: You had head lice? Cartman: Of course! Why do you think I went through that elaborate bullcrap experiment to frame Kenny?! Mrs. Garrison: [offscreen] You all had head lice! [the boys look up and off to the left. Mrs. Garrison walks up to them on the court] Every single person in the class! The boys aaand the girls! Lice spreads fast, you dumb-asses! Craig: I thought I was the only one. Butters: Me too. Cartman: But that means... that means Kenny was lying! Sock bath! [the other boys join in the chant "Sock bath!" and gang up on Kenny once again] Scene Description: Clyde's hair. With the redhead and the Vice President gone, Travis is left alone with his thoughts. Travis: Kelly. Kelly, can you hear mih? I don't know if you can. But... I wanted you to know I tried. I tried to save our baby. But I let you down, babe. [blinks. A light shines on him and a vision of Kelly descends. Travis holds his left hand up as a visor to make sure he's not hallucinating] Keh... k-Kelly? [Kelly's apparition disappears, replaced by a fly. Travis climbs on to one of the fly's legs, and the fly takes off. After a long while, the fly alights on a new host and Travis drops to the ground, asleep. Members of a darker, buffer species of louse watch from the shadows. They prop him up and carry him away] Louse 13: You are welcome here. [the colony here is well-developed, with entrances to dwellings going up several stories, making the hairs act as high-rise apartments. The residents there wave as he passes by] You're safe now. We've lived here for generation after generation, never being disturbed. Travis: Heh. We made it, Hope. We made it, Kelly! [at this point the camera pulls back, out of the hair, and out of the space between a pair of female legs. The camera pulls back enough to show an actress exiting her limousine.] Scene Description: An actress with big lips is seen coming out of a limousine, with photographers ready to take pictures of her. Agent: Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Angelina Jolie! [photographers start snapping away with their cameras] Angelina Jolie: Hello, everyone! [scratches her groin through her dress] Hello!

Scene Description: South Park Elementary, morning. The school bell rings and the kids rush in to sit down. Mrs. Garrison enters the classroom. Mrs. Garrison: All right, students, let's take our seats. Everyone try to be nice because we have a new student joining us today, and I know you'll all make him feel welcome. Say hello to... Baahir Hassan Abdul Hakeem. Cartman: Uh oh! [Kyle's seat is empty, and he fears the worst] Mrs. Garrison: Welcome to our class, Baahir. Baahir: Thank you. Cartman: Duhude, dude, [throws out his arms, palms out] not cool! Mrs. Garrison: Why don't you take a seat in Kyle's empty desk for now? Baahir: Okay. [goes to Kyle's seat. Cartman begins crawling out of his, away from Baahir] Cartman: Oooh hooohoho. Nooo, noohoohoo. Mrs. Garrison: [stopping him. What follows is in hushed tones] Eric, what the hell is wrong with you?! Cartman: What's wrong? [looks at Baahir, who's looking back at him, then looks back at Mrs. Garrison and takes her aside] Has he been checked for bombs? Mrs. Garrison: Eric, that's enough! Not all Muslim people are terrorists! Cartman: No, but most of them are. And all it takes is most of them. Scene Description: The school playground, recess. There are several kids waiting at the slide, Butters takes his turn. Butters: [slides down gleefully] Now you go, Baahir. [Baahir climbs the ladder steps and slides down. Butters cheers him on. Cartman shows up and looks at them. Baahir dusts himself off. Cartman turns and walks away, then places a call on his cell phone] Scene Description: Kyle's bedroom, day. Kyle is still in bed, his window curtains drawn shut. There's lots of little tissues on his bed and surrounding floor with two plates on the floor next to the bed. His cordless phone is on the covers. It rings, he picks up Kyle: [sniffs - he has a stuffy nose] Yeah? Cartman: [hushed] Kyle, are you on your computer? Kyle: What? No, I'm sick. [sniffs] Cartman: Get online. I need you to check something for me. Kyle: Dude, leave me alone. Cartman: Kyle, every one of our friends might be in serious danger! Kyle: [sits right up] What? Why? Cartman: Get online now! Kyle: All right, all right. [leaves his bed and goes to his computer, sits down and starts clicking] Cartman: Go to MySpace. [enters the school building] See if there's a MySpace page for a Baahir Hakeem. Kyle: [types a search term at MySpace] Baahir Hakeem. [Baahir's page pops up] Born in Chicago, eight years old, his favorite color is green... Car, Cartman, what is this all about? Cartman: [begins walking down the hallway] Kyle, I want you to check his buddy list. How many MySpace friends does he have? Kyle: Over a hundred. Cartman: [walks further along] Look further down the page. Does he list his favorite band? Kyle: White Stripes Cartman: [stops suddenly] That's funny. Kyle: What? Cartman: He told everyone in class today his favorite band was Blink 182. Scene Description: A ticking clock: 11:59:57... 11:59:58... 11:59:59... 12:00:00... Darkness. The following text appears onscreen, then disappears after Cartman finishes speaking. Cartman: [voiceover] The following takes place between Recess and Geography class. Scene Description: South Park Police Station, day, Officer Barbrady's desk. A hovering camera looks at a ringing phone. Officer Barbrady answers. Barbrady: Hello? Cartman: [entering the boys' restroom, still in hushed tones] Officer Barbrady, South Park Elementary is in serious danger! [checks the toilet stalls on all fours] Barbrady: From what? Who is this? Cartman: I've just ID'd a Muslim and his MySpace page does not check out. You've got to get these people out of here now! Barbrady: Are you serious? Cartman: If I wasn't serious, would I be talking like this? Barbrady: Like what? Cartman: Whispering, but whispering really loudly for dramatic effect. Barbrady: Oh jeez. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Mrs. Garrison's class, later. Mrs. Garrison moves on to History, but the school bell goes off as a fire drill. Mrs. Garrison: What the hell? Principal Victoria: [over the PA system] All students are to evacuate the school immediately! [Baahir looks around] Scene Description: The front of South Park Elementary, later. The kids pour out happily. Butters: Hey, Baahir, uh since we get to go home, you wanna come over uh, play checkers? Baahir: Sure, okay. [12:02:32 pops up on screen and ticks the seconds away.] Butters: Well all right! [they walk off together] Kyle: Dude. [sniffs and calls Cartman. The LED readout vanishes] Cartman: [exits the building through a side door and answers the call] Yeah. [walks among various trash cans and bins] Kyle: Dude, I just got an IM from Stan that they evacuated the school. Cartman: Yeah. Now do you believe me that somethin' is goin' on?! Kyle: I guess so. Cartman: Yeah well I don't like it! It doesn't follow! Kyle: Wuh what doesn't follow? Cartman: Why would a terrorist just blow up a school? It's not their M.O. Unless... Oh my God! Unless this was all just a big diversion. [starts running] Kyle, I need you to Google-search the South Park Chamber of Commerce! Kyle: Okay. Cartman: Their Web site should have a calendar of events: is there anything big going on in town today?! Kyle: [looks up the info as Cartman talks] Yeah. Actually, there is. Cartman: [stops] What? Kyle: There's a Hillary Clinton campaign rally. [Cartman stays silent] Cartman? ...Cartman? [Cartman has turned off his phone and runs out of school] Scene Description: Central Intelligence Agency, day. An agent takes a call and- Agent: Sir! There's somebody calling in saying there's going to be a terrorist attack on the Hillary Clinton rally today. Head agent: What? [takes the call] This is CIA head, Alan Thompson. Cartman: Mr. Thompson, you have to call off the Clinton rally! There's a terrorist in South Park! Mr. Thompson: What do you know? Cartman: He just showed up out of the blue! I need to speak with the President right away! Mr. Thompson: I'm the head of the CIA! You can tell me! Cartman: I said I will only talk to the President! Mr. Thompson: Look, if you have information of a threat, you could- Cartman: LALALALALALALALA! Mr. Thompson: I will have you arrested for-! Cartman: LALALA-I can't hear you! Only the President! LALALALALALA! Scene Description: The Oval Office, 12:04:27 South Park time. The LED readout ticks away, the ominous echo follows. Aide: Call is coming through now, Mr. President. Bush: Hello? Cartman: President Bush, this is Eric Cartman! Are we on a secure line? Bush: Huh? Who. Cartman: Look, I know you're not the biggest Hildog fan, but she is in great danger right now! Bush: Hildog? Scene Description: A motorcade in South Park, day. The American flag waving from a pole on the hood indicates Secret Service protection. Aide: Yes, I understand. I'll let Ms. Clinton know. Hillary: What is it, Brian? Brian: Ms. Clinton, we just received word of a possible terrorist attack on your rally today. Hillary: Is the thread credible? Brian: We aren't sure, but... perhaps it's best we call it off. [behind him, the rally gets closer and closer] Hillary: No. No, I will not be bullied by terrorist threats. Your men do a good job, Brian. I have faith that any thread will be taken care of accordingly. Driver: We've reached the rally site, Hildog. Scene Description: The rally site, downtown South Park. Aide 2: Don't worry, Mrs. Clinton, I'm sure everything will be fine. Hillary: Thank you, Chris. [leaves with Brian and a third aide. The driver walks off in the opposite direction, and Chris whips out a cell phone. He walks forward and calls someone] Chris: They know about the bomb! Blond Russian: That is impossible! We took every measure to assure the bomb was hidden from sight. Chris: Well somebody tipped off the CIA. I don't know how much they know, but security has been heightened. Blond Russian: That bomb must travel with the Clinton rally to Boston! Chris: The bomb won't make it to Boston now! With the heightened security, it's only a matter of time before they find it! Blonde Russian: Then we have no choice. We have to move up the attack. Chris: I understand, comrade. Blonde Russian: Prepare yourself. We detonate the bomb... within the hour. Scene Description: 12:17:56. Time keeps on ticking, ticking, ticking... Kyle is still at home, Cartman roams the rally. Cartman: Kyle, I'm at the Clinton rally site, but there's no sign of that kid! Kyle: So then maybe you're wrong. Cartman: Nope, I'm not wrong. He must be somehow attacking remotely from his house. Did you find the address? Kyle: Yeah. I cross-referenced his MySpace page with realtor.com. His parents moved into that green house on Janice Street. Cartman: Jesus, that's on the other side of town. All right, Kyle, I'm going to take a picture with my camera phone and upload it to you. You ready? Kyle: Yeah. [Cartman giggles and sticks the phone down his pants, in front of his genitals. He takes the picture and sends it to Kyle. Kyle receives it on his computer] What is that? Cartman: It's my balls! [laughs as Kyle just looks at the image] Kyle: God damn it Cartman! Cartman: [his laugh dies down, then] Okay. Okay, Kyle, let's stay focused here. Mayor McDaniels: People of South Park, it is my honor to introduce a woman who deserves nothing but respect. Mrs. Hillary Rodham Clinton! [the crowd cheers and holds up pro-Hillary signs: "Hildog", "In Hildog We Trust", "Hildog, we love you!", "Hildog #1 fan", "South Park Wants Hildog!!", "Hildog '08", "We Love You"] Hillary: [affecting a Southern accent] It is so nice to be back in a small town like the one I came from. [more cheers for her] Hildog Fan: Here we go! [his friends don dog-headed helmets and start barking.] Brian: Otis Green, anything on that bomb threat? ["You know, when I start my life in office, quite a few changes have to be made!"] Otis: We have the bomb-sniffing pig going through the crowd. If there is a bomb, the pig will find it. [the third aide has the pig on a leash, letting it roam as it will] Hillary: This is why I campaign in small towns like these! Because it is in towns like South Park that you find the true America! [more cheers go up as aide and pig move around] Aide 3: Oh my God, she got a scent! [the pig walks faster] Brian: What?! Aide 3: The pig is picking up the smell of nuclear residue. Terrorists have hidden a bomb! Brian: [getting nervous] Oh my God! Where?! Where could they have stashed it?! Aide 3: Come on, find it. Find! [the pig leads him up the steps to the stage] Brian: My God, they hid it under the stage?! Female aide: No wait, look. [the pig approaches Hillary and really wants to get at that bomb] Hillary: How much money do we have to waste on needless spendin' when we should be focusing all our attention on... uh... [the pig buries its snout in Hillary's ass] on the education of all- Woo haha, whoa there, girl. Haha, [puts some distance between herself and the pig, but the pig won't back off] uh, uh, on the education of all children. [the pig tries the groin this time] Oh, I declare! Otis: Oh my God. Do you think they could have hidden a nuclear device up Mrs. Clinton's... Scene Description: CIA Headquarters. An agent comes up to Mr. Thompson with a report. Agent: Mr. Thompson, the kid who called in the warning was right! We uncovered intel that terrorists have obtained a nuclear device, and that they have most likely hidden it in Mrs. Clinton's... well, in her... Mr. Thompson: In her what? Agent: In her snatch, sir. Mr. Thompson: What?! Scene Description: Back at the rally, later. Brian observes as two paramedics seat Hillary down on a gurney. Hillary: What is goin' on? I wasn't finished. Brian: Security measure, Mrs. Clinton. Probably nothing. [receives a call and answers it] Yes. Scene Description: A CIA helicopter on its way to South Park, day. Mr. Thompson: Mr. Jeffries, this is Alan Thompson with the CIA. We have reason to believe that Mrs. Clinton may have a nuclear device up her snatch. Brian: A what?! Mr. Thompson: A snatch. It's the technical term for vagina. Brian: No, I mean what kind of nuclear device?! Scene Description: A diagram of a bomb inside a woman's uterus. Zoom out to reveal CIA headquarters Mr. Waters: Mr. Jeffries, this is Frank Waters. It's a suitcase nuke, designed to fit in a woman's snizz. It's called a snuke. Scene Description: Back at the rally, later. Brian walks up to Hillary. Hillary: What is goin' on, Brian? Brian: Ms. Clinton, it appears that terrorists have snuck a snuke up your snizz. Hillary: [fans herself in a Southern fashion] Oh my. Brian: What do we do? Can we disable the timer? Mr. Thompson: It won't have a timer. Snukes are detonated remotely. Whoever our terrorist is has a detonator with him. Brian: But then that means... Mr. Thompson: Yes. If we don't find that detonator, everyone in the town of South Park is going to die. For-ever. Scene Description: 12:28:38 and counting. Four images come up: Hillary on the gurney, Kyle at his computer, Butters and Baahir playing checkers in Butters' living room, and the CIA landing in South Park Mr. Thompson: Do we have that phone trace? CIA vice head: [hands him the phone] The call is going through now, sir. Cartman: [gets the call] Yeah? [walks through a parking lot] Mr. Thompson: This is CIA head Alan Thompson. We spoke before about the- [he and his agents walk down the street. Two angles are shown of that, and a third image of Cartman walking through the lot] Cartman: Yes, Mr. Thompson? Mr. Thompson: Well, we've just arrived in your town. Cartman: Why? Did you find something? Mr. Thompson: Yes. There's a suitcase nuke in Ms. Clinton's snizz. Cartman: [stops] A snuke? Mr. Thompson: That's right. It's controlled by a remote detonator. We have to locate the terrorist before he sets it off. Cartman: [walks again] I have the address of the house the terrorist moved into. I'm almost there now; where are you? Mr. Thompson: We're on the town's main street, right by an ice cream shop. Cartman: Oh dude, I'm, I'm right next to you. [the framing for the two scenes is removed to reveal the one image of Cartman standing next to the CIA agents. They look at each other] Mr. Thompson: Oh, hey. Scene Description: Kyle's room, day. Kyle is still at his computer when Stan walks in. Stan: Dude, we totally got let out of school. Kyle: I know. Something big is going on. Take a look at this. I did a Google search for "Hillary Clinton Campaign Rally" right? And one of the links was to YouTube, where this Russian guy had a bunch of videos. Stan: Russian? Kyle: Yeah, this guy. [a YouTube profile page is shown] Vladimir Stolfsky. He had videos on YouTube of every single rally. Stan: So he's a Hillary Clinton fan. Kyle: No. I cross-referenced his YouTube profile with MySpace, and according to his blog, he's an old-school Communist. So what's he doing at every Clinton rally? Stan: Do a WebCrawler search: maybe he has podcasts up somewhere. Kyle: Oh that's a good idea. [does the search] Scene Description: The Hakeem house, later. Police, SWAT, and CIA move in on the house and arrest Baahir's parents. Mr. Hakeem: What is going on? What have we done? Mr. Thompson: They claim they don't know anything about an attack. Cartman: Big surprise! Police officer: Sir, first pass of the house, we didn't find a snuke detonator anywhere. Mr. Thompson: Mr. Hakeem, where is your son? Mr. Hakeem: We thought he was at school. He's not at school? Scene Description: A clinic nearby. Hillary is up on stirrups while some police and agents look at an X-ray of her abdomen and groin. Brian: You're doing great, Ms. Clinton. Hillary: Do they know how long, Brian? How long before the snuke in my snizz goes off? Brian: They'll find the detonator, Hildog. Aide 3: We can't wait for them to find the detonator. If we can get to the bomb, me-maybe we can deactivate it. Can't somebody go and take a look inside Mrs. Clinton's snizz? EOD leader: [part of the bomb squad] I'm not sending any of my men in there. Chris: Are you almost ready to set off the bomb? Vladimir: Everything is set. We have the detonator up and running. [the detonator is shown with its LED readout: 12:34:10... 12:34:11... 12:34:12... 12:34:13... ] Scene Description: An interrogation room. A CIA agent grills Mr. Hakeem, with a female agent as witness. Agent 2: Mr. Hakeem, we need to know where your son is! Mr. Hakeem: I tell you, I do not know. Agent 2: [sighs, then leaves the room with the female agent and enters the adjoining control room, where Mr. Thompson is waiting] This is getting us nowhere. If he knows anything, he's not saying. Cartman: Let me have time with him. Female agent: What are you going to do? Cartman: We have to find that detonator! Let me have time with him! [removes his cap and goes in] You will tell me where your son is! Mr. Hakeem: He should be at school! [Cartman walks off and brings back a stool, setting it against Mr. Hakeem's chair. He climbs up and stands on the stool, drops his pants, and starts farting.] Hey! Cartman: [farts] Where is the detonator?! Mr. Hakeem: Wuh-what detonator are you ta- Cartman: [farts some more, and again, and again] I can do this aaall day. Mr. Hakeem: [coughs] I don't know anything about a- [Cartman farts a short one, and then a long one that makes Mr. Hakeem turn away] Aawwwwgh [holds his breath, gasps for air and coughs] Stop it! Really! Cartman: You can make it stop! Mr. Hakeem: [almost weeps] I don't have the- [Cartman farts for a long time, and the female agent turns away from the one-way window] Female agent: Are we just gonna let this go on? [Cartman continues farting] Scene Description: Kyle's room, later. Kyle: Okay, I got a text of the Russian guy's podcast. It's all a bunch of links to eBay. Stan: You should be able to search his username on eBay and see what he's been buying and selling. [CIA agents enter the room quickly with their equipment] CIA vice head: Ferris, set up over there. Two of you can take that bed area. [Stan steps down for a better look at the activity] Kyle: Hey. CIA vice head: Donner, take over that station. [points to Kyle. Donner walks over and shoves Kyle off his chair] Kyle: [stands up] What's going on? CIA vice head: This department is being absorbed by Homeland Security! Kyle: ...Homeland Security? CIA vice head: Look, your little game of goin' over people's heads is over! You could still work, but from now on you answer to me, you got that?! FBI leader: 'Scuse me, who's in charge here?! CIA vice head: I am! FBI leader: [more people come in] Yeah well not anymore you're not. This department has just been assigned to the FBI. CIA vice head: That's outrageous! On whose orders?! FBI leader: On order of the Secretary of Defense! You had your shot, now I'm in charge! ATF leader: [more people come in] Not anymore you're not! Orders just came down from Central! They want ATF handling this on all fronts! All right people, from now on you're answering to me! Secret Service leader: [more people come in] Not anymore they're not! Orders from the President: he wants this handled by his staff personally! Now Nelson is in charge. Nelson: [bursts into the scene] Not anymore I'm not! [everyone else falls silent] Scene Description: The interrogation room, later. Cartman walks in with a metal suitcase containing syringes. He takes one out Mr. Hakeem: What are you going to do to my wife?! Cartman: Nothing... if you tell me where your son is! Mrs. Hakeem: We told you: we don't know. Cartman: [whips around and shows them the syringe] Do you know what this is?! [they look at each other, unsure] This... is apple juice. It gives super bad farts. [injects himself with the syringe into the right arm and hops up on the stool next to Mrs. Hakeem] Female agent: Did he just inject himself with apple juice? Cartman: Where is your son?! Mr. Hakeem: She doesn't know either. [Cartman turns and drops his pants, and farts on Mrs. Hakeem's face] Mrs. Hakeem: Aaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaah! Mr. Hakeem: I mean it! Stop! That is disgusting! Where is your mother?! [a phone rings and the camera zooms in on Mrs. Hakeem's shirt pocket. Cartman turns and reaches into the pocket, pulling out the cell phone] Cartman: Answer it! [holds the phone to Mrs. Hakeem's right ear] Mrs. Hakeem: Hallo? Hallo Baahir. Where are you? Who it But-ters? Cartman: Butters. Mrs. Hakeem: Baahir, one of your classmates is keeping us hostage. [Cartman drops the phone and farts a good gust of flatulence against Mrs. Hakeem's face] Aaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaah! [Cartman drops off the stool and enters the control room.] Mr. Hakeem: Ogh! You filthy little rapscallion! Cartman: We got him! I know where he is! Female agent: All right, where? We'll send our people in. Cartman: No no, he's my lead. [opens the suitcase] Mr. Thompson: You're not going alone. Cartman: You blow in there and you risk taking him down without finding the detonator! I'm going to find out where it is! [gives himself a double injection of apple juice] Scene Description: Kyle's room, later. The Secret Service is running the show now. CIA leader 2: [white hair] All right, people, I'm in charge now and we will find the terrorists. Jarvis, I want you to check for any terrorist chatter on AOL. Marley and Greggs, try searching for nuclear devices on askjeeves.com. Kyle: Ask Jeeves? Nobody uses Ask Jeeves! Just Google-search it! CIA leader 2: Are you tellin' me how to do my job? Kyle: Yes. There's a Russian guy named Vladimir Stolfsky who's got search engine hits all over this thing. CIA leader 2: Chase, search the name Stolfsky on YouTube and cross-reference it with JDate! Chase: Checking. Stan: Look, these Russian guys all have blogs talking about this like it's just some big diversion for something much bigger! Female agent 2: [with a stack of papers] Sir, these kids are right. We've just received intel that Russian terrorists are believed to be responsible for the threat. CIA leader 2: Where's the intel from? Female agent 2: We just read it on Drudge Report. Kyle: Look, we already have the guy's blog. Maybe we can find an address and check it out on MapQuest. CIA leader 2: We do this my way! I'm the one in charge! Kyle: [he and Stan look at each other] ...Not anymore you're not. CIA leader 2: Oh, snap. [walks off dejected] Scene Description: Butters' living room, day. He and Baahir are playing Checkers, and Butters looks like he's winning. Butters: [makes his move] Whoopee! I captured another one of your pieces, Baahir. [outside, Cartman runs up to the window and crashes through it.] Cartman: Uuugh! [lies motionless for a few seconds, then gets up] Butters: Oh hey Eric. Cartman: [walks up to Baahir and grabs him by the collar] Where is the detonator! Baahir: The what? Cartman: You have exactly five seconds before I start dropping serious apple juice farts on your face! One! Baahir: Leave me alone! [heads for the front door and walks out. Cartman follows him] Upta! Butters: [watches them leave] Hey, I was about to win! Scene Description: The sidewalk. Cartman chases Baahir down the street. Cartman: Stop, terrorist, or I will shoot you! [A black van pulls up next to them and the side door slides open. Three real terrorists jump out and aim their semiautomatics at the two boys] Terrorist #1: [olive-colored] Get in the van! [Both boys are scared, but Cartman backs away] Cartman: Uh, that's cool. I'm actually not... playing anymore. Terrorist #1: [they aim their guns at Cartman] Get in the van! Scene Description: The clinic. Aide 3: That's it! We don't have a choice anymore! Somebody is going to have to go in, and try to disarm the snuke manually! EOD leader: No, it's too dangerous! That snatch has not seen action in over 30 years! It could be toxic! Brian: [overhearing it] I'll do it! I'll check out Ms. Clinton's snizz. Scene Description: The terrorists' hideout, 12:40:27 and counting. Vladimir has Cartman and Baahir tied up in chairs Cartman: Let me go! Please! I am just a little boy! Vladimir: You called and warned the government of our plans! What you don't know is that we are simply mercenaries! We were paid to set up the snuke so that the real enemy of America could attack! Cartman: That's cool. I'm fine with Muslims invading. Vladimir: [aims the semiautomatic at him] Do you really think Muslims are behind this terrorist threat?! Cartman: Uhh yes, of course? Vladimir: America had other enemies before the Muslims, you know. Who is America's oldest enemy? Cartman: The Russians? Vladimir: Before that. Cartman: The Germans? Vladimir: Before that. Cartman: The Germans again? Vladimir: Before that! I am talking about the oldest threat to America! The greatest enemy America has ever known! Cartman: You can't possible mean...? Scene Description: The ocean blue. A fleet of British ships is sailing towards the United States, but these ships are from another era. The men are dressed in uniforms of the Revolutionary War era - as Red Coats Captain: Two hundred years we've waited. Finally. We will get those traitors to the Crown! [gets a call and answers it on his cell phone] Yes, Your Majesty? Queen Elizabeth II: The Russians are ready to set off the diversion. Full sail. Captain: Full sail, Your Majesty? Scene Description: 12:43:57 and counting. Scene Description: 12:47:18 and Hillary is back on stirrups (upper left picture). 12:47:19 and Kyle is back at his computer (upper right picture). 12:47:20 and Cartman is shown struggling in his seat (lower right picture). 12:47:21 and the British fleet is shown (lower left picture). Scene Description: The clinic. The aide, doctor, and other officials are behind protective glass in a booth. Brian is dressed in a Hazmat suit and gas mask Aide 3: All right, Brian, this is it. Get in there and see if you can disarm the snuke in Ms. Clinton's snatch. Brian: [diving in slowly, has radio communication with the booth] All right. I'm nearing her snizz now. EOD leader: God help him. Aide 3: What do you see, Brian? Brian: It's dark... cold... Aide 3: You're doing fine, Brian. Get as close as you can... Y-you have to look inside the snizz. Brian: Uh, uh, all right, I'm looking. Yes, I see... I see the device! [begins to cough] Aide 3: You're doin' great, Brian. Hang in there. Brian: There's um, metal housing... some kind of three-pronged triggering mechanism that... Wait there's... there's something else here! There's something... [static fills the transmission and the aide tries to restore communication] Aide 3: Say again, Brian. Brian: [amid heavy static] There's something perched on the snuke's coil... Oh God, it's looking at me! EOD leader: [takes control] Brian, get out of there! Brian: Wha... what are you?! I have no qualm with you! Stay back! Stay back I- agh! Aaagh! EOD leader: Brian? Brian, what's happening? Brian: It's... eating my head! It's eating my head! [the camera zooms back to show his body gyrating helplessly, then being spit out by Mrs. Clinton's snizz] Hillary: Hoh my! Scene Description: Kyle's bedroom. He's at his computer as agents discuss things behind him. Kyle: I got it! I got it! According to PayPal, the Russian guys are just hired mercenaries who had ads up on Craig's List and got paid through eBay so that Boston could be attacked by... the British. Female agent 2: The British? Agent 4: Loyalist Red Coats! Chase: Sir, I found the Russian's eHarmony account! It does list an address in South Park! Kyle: All right! MapQuest the address! Chase: I'll use Google Maps. It has live traffic. Kyle: Good thinking CIA leader 2: Sir, we have the terrorists' location. IM'ing you now. Scene Description: The terrorists' hideout. Vladimir: [warmly shakes a terrorist's hand] It was good knowing you, comrade. Baahir: Please. Think about what you are doing. The British are just using you; you're going to die. Vladimir: Yes, but we will be rich. Agent: [outside] Left flank, prig prang and clear! Go go go! [the doors to the hideout fly open and CIA agents pour in, with the CIA Vice Head supervising the riad] Mr. Thompson: [last to enter, gun drawn] The game is over! Get down on the ground! Vladimir: How did they find us? Mr. Thompson: We know about everything! Your diversion to help the Red Coats is over! Vladimir: It doesn't matter. The detonator is on a timer. You are too late! In three minutes! [the camera quickly moves to the detonator: 12:56:57 and counting. Four seconds later the power is shut off] What the hell?! Agent: The power went out! Mr. Thompson: Well so then what time is it? [the power returns and the detonator's timer is reset to a blinking 12:00:00] Vladimir: Oh crap. Mr. Thompson: Take 'em down! [the agents fire away. One after one, terrorists go down, dead. Vladimir climbs a wooden ladder to the hideout's roof] Vladimir: No! I don't want to die without being paid! [an agent shoots him down, he hits the floor and blows up. CIA agents remove the ropes from Cartman and Baahir] Mr. Thompson: [places a call] The detonator is secured, general. You are cleared to proceed. Scene Description: The ocean blue. The British fleet continues towards the United State. American jets fly over them and prepare to fire Captain: The Rebel Americans know of our attack?! Soldier: How? Captain: Fire at will! [the soldiers quickly aim and fire. The bullets have no effect, as the jets simply unload their bombs on the ships and sink them.] Scene Description: The Royal Palace, the Queen's throne room. She's seated at her throne and gets a call. She gets the phone from one of her servants Queen Elizabeth II: Yes? Captain: Your Majesty, the attack has failed. We were... unable to end the American Revolution. Queen Elizabeth II: I see. [sets the phone down, takes a loaded gun to her mouth, and shoots her brains out. She falls forward and hits the ground, dead.] Scene Description: South Park, at Long Road Shipping, the apparent hideout. Everyone stands in the street. Mr. Thompson: [walking into view] Well, looks like we saved our country from British rule once again. Kyle: Yeah. It just proves we need to learn not to profile one race of people. Because, actually, most of the world hates us. Cartman: Well Baahir, I was thinking that maybe I owe you an apology. Baahir: Really? Cartman: Yes, but then I realized that, technically, I don't. Because by being suspicious of you I saved your life and everyone else's. So really, you owe me an apology. But that's cool. Kyle: ...You didn't save everyone, I did! You were just out harassing Muslims! Cartman: But if I hadn't called you in the first place to check out the Muslim, you would have just stayed in bed sick all day, right? Kyle: ...Maybe. [looks away] Cartman: Maybe? If I hadn't called you, you wouldn't have been on your computer checking out the Clinton rally. That means my intolerance of Muslims saved America. Kyle: ...That is so missing the point. Cartman: Me being a bigot stopped a nuclear bomb from going off, yes or no?! Kyle: The-that's not the right way to look at it, I- Cartman: Yes or no, Kyle?! Kyle: No! ...Not... not like you're saying. Cartman: But that's all I'm saying: today, bigotry and racism saved the day. Baahir, you get this, right? [Baahir's parents approach, looking around at all the activity in front of their house] Mr. Hakeem: Baahir! Get away from that disgusting child! Get back home and start packing your things! We are leaving this whole intolerant country! [Mr. Hakeem nudges Baahir forward, and the family leaves] Butters: Awwwww. Cartman: Okay. Who got rid of the Muslims, huh? [raises his own hand] That was all me. Simple thank you will suffice.

Scene Description: The Marsh house, outside, night. Randy: [inside] ...In my Easter Bonnet, with all the frills upon it, I'll be the grandest lady in the Easter parade. Scene Description: The Marsh house, dining room table. The Marshes are decorating Easter eggs. Stan dips a hard-boiled egg into a glass of green dye. Marvin spins his slowly in a small lathe. Randy finishes one up and shows it off. Randy: Look at that one, huh? Half purple and half yellow with a chikadee sticker. I'm good. [sets it into the egg tray] Stan: Uh, can I ask a question? Why do we do this? Randy: Wha... what do you mean, "Why do we do this?" It's Easter! Stan: Right, so, why do we color eggs? [Shelly makes a cross face] Randy: Wulll, ssso that the Easter bunny can hide them. Stan: Yeah, but why? Randy: Stanley, Easter celebrates the day that Jesus was resurrected after being crucified for our sins. Stan: So we dip eggs in colored vinegar and a giant rabbit hides them? Randy: That's right. Stan: You don't see the missteps in logic with that? [Randy is unfazed, while Shelly, Sharon, and Marvin look at Stan disapprovingly] Look, I'm just saying that somewhere between Jesus dying on the Cross and a giant bunny hiding eggs there seems to be a, a gap of information. Randy: Stanley, just dye your Goddamned eggs! Stan: [leaves his seat] I don't feel like coloring eggs! I don't get it! Randy: What is wrong with him?! Sharon: Well, he's just getting older, Randy. Maybe he's figured out the Easter bunny isn't real. [continues dying her egg. Randy slams his palms down on the table angrily. Sharon is taken aback.] Randy: [rising] You know so little! [leaves] Scene Description: South Park Mall, day. The Easter bunny has a big Easter display at the mall where he sits in a chair taking requests for Easter gifts. A line of kids is waiting. In that line are Stan, Clyde, Red, Kevin, Craig, Heidi, Millie, Bill, Token, Jimmy, and a few little brothers and sisters Cartman: And I want a Baltor soldier doll for Easter, and five Crash'n'Go RC cars, you got that?! Do you have that?! Mall Bunny: Ahh, don't you think that's- Cartman: Nono! You don't ask me questions! You are a rabbit! I am a human. So if you don't bring me what I want for Easter, I can fucking kill you! Aide: Smile! [takes a picture and Cartman hops off] Cartman: Bye, Easter bunny! [leaves] Mall Bunny: [watches him leave] Oh my God. [Stan walks up and sits on the bunny's lap. The bunny notices] Stan: All right, can you explain to me what's going on? Mall Bunny: Huh? Stan: What is the deal with the coloring the eggs and you hiding them and all that? What does that have to do with Jesus dying on the Cross? [no reply] It is symbolic? Are you trying to reference something that happened in Biblical times? [nudges him] Answer me! Mall Bunny: Look, kid ahh, I'm j-, I'm just a guy in a costume. Stan: I know that! But I figure you must have some knowledge of what Easter's about if you're playing the Easter Bunny at the mall! Mall Bunny: Huhuh, Easter's just Easter. Just, just go with it, kid. Stan: No, I'm not gonna just go with it! I'm gonna find out what's behind all this! [hops off and walks away] Mall Bunny: I need a break. Can I have a break? [he gets it and walks up to some payphones nearby. He picks one up and dials a number] We have a problem. Somebody's onto us. Yeah, he's askin' a lot of questions. Only a matter of time before he finds out what Easter's really about. Yes, I understand what must be done. Call the others. [hangs up the phone] Scene Description: Stan's neighborhood, day. Stan is walking home with determination. He walks by a bus stop where someone is reading a newspaper. The newspaper drops down a bit and the reader is another Easter bunny. Stan stops and looks over his shoulder and the newspaper rises to its former position again. Stan walks on, and the bunny rises a few seconds later to follow him. Stan notices and begins to run. A few seconds later he notices three more Easter bunnies facing him. With bunnies behind him and in front, he runs across the street to escape, but a car stops just before hitting him and two more bunnies step out of the car. He gets to the other side and continues running in the same direction as before, with the six bunnies chasing him. He makes it home and closes the front door behind him. The bunnies reach the door and start pounding on it Scene Description: The Marsh house, inside. Stan runs upstairs. Stan: Mom? Dad? [reaches the second floor] Anybody home? Randy: [voice only] Not now, Stanley, I'm on the toilet! [Stan runs to the restroom door and pounds on it] Stan: Dad! You've gotta help me! [looks around] Randy: Hang on, I'm taking a crap. Stan: Dad! There's Easter bunnies chasing me! Randy: What? Stan: They chased me from the mall! I don't know what they want! [hears the front door breaking open] They're coming in! Dad, open the door! [the bathroom door opens and Randy looks out, wearing some bunny ears and a bunny snout with buck teeth.] Dad? Randy: We... need to talk, Stan. [the Easter bunnies run up the stairs] Ih, it's okay guys. Gray Hare: Randy? Randy: Yeah. 'Cause it turns out the kid we're after is my son. Purple Hare: Ohhh. Randy: Tell the Grand Hare everything is okay. I'll take it from here. Scene Description: Stan's room. Randy explains things. Randy: I wanted to keep this from you, Stan. I really wanted to wait until you were older but... you just had to keep asking questions! Stan: Why were those other rabbit guys chasing me?! Randy: We have to be careful when we think somebody's onto us. [turns to face him] We are all part of a secret society, Stan. A very ancient, very important society of men who follow the way of the Rabbit, and protect the secret of the Easter bunny. We are called... the Hare Club For Men. Stan: [not impressed, but curious] Does Mom know about this? Randy: Duh, it's the Hare Club For Men. Chicks wouldn't understand. Stan: I don't understand! Randy: I belong to a secret society that has been around for thousands of years! Our identities have to be protected! Stan: Could, could you, take off, the ears, please? Randy: Stan, you don't seem to understand how serious this is! The secret of Easter that we protect is something that could rock the foundation of the entire world! Stan: So what is the secret of Easter? Randy: I can't tell you. You have to be allowed into the Society first, but... but perhaps... it's time. Scene Description: Randy's car, night. He and Stan drive along a secluded road. Stan has a bag over his head so he doesn't see where they're going. Randy: I always knew this day would come, when my son would be brought into the society. Reminds me of the day I was brought in by my father. Stan: Grandpa's in it too? Randy: Of course. Marshes have been in the Hare Club For Men for generations. All the way back to the beginning. Stan: Dad, do I have to wear this bag over my head the entire time? Randy: You aren't a member yet. You can't know where our secret meetings take place. We're going to a distant location, an old building near a lake about 40 minutes away. Stan: You mean the old Galveston Lodge? [Randy's taken aback at Stan's memory and so thinks about what to do next. After a while, he decides to remove the bag] Randy: Dammit. Scene Description: Galveston Lodge, night. Hares from all around gather inside. T.H.C.F.M. The lodge is guarded by two large golden hares Hare 1: Hey Bill. Hare 2: Evenin' Marcus. Hare 3: Heh heh hey, look at you! Hare 4: Hey everybody. Scene Description: Galveston Lodge, inside. Hares mingle and chat Hare 5: Stan Marsh, welcome! You must be very excited. Stan: Must I? Marvin: There he is! There's my grandson! Stan: Hi Grandpa. Marvin: I'm proud of ya, Billy. Stan: ...Stan. Scene Description: Galveston Lodge, induction ceremony. Randy places a strip of white fur on Stan's shoulders. The purple Hare dips an egg in a glass lavender dye and rings the bell. The gray Hare steps up, dips his egg in yellow dye and rings the bell. This continues. Later on, a gavel is sounded and the Hares turn left with lit candles. Pink Hare: Tonight, we determine if a new member is worthy of protecting the Secret. Bring out... the rabbit. Hares: Sanctum Piter oteum, Deus ore uneum. Hippitus hoppitus reus homine. In suspiratoreum, lepus in re sanctum. [two Hares carry a white rabbit forward in a gilded cage] Hippitus hoppitus reus Domine. [they set the rabbit before the Pink Hare and everyone genuflects... except for Stan. Randy looks up and has him genuflect as well] Pink Hare: All hail the cute rabbit, Snowball! Hares: Hail Snowball. [all rise as the Pink Hare approaches Stan] Pink Hare: Stan Marsh, are you ready to hear the secret of Easter? Stan: Yeah. Randy: Are you sure, son? Once you hear the secret, you will be bound to The Hare Club For Men forever. Stan: Yeah, I wanna know already. Pink Hare: Very well. At the Last Supper, Jesus Christ met with his 12 Disciples. It was there that- [interrupted by breaking windows and ninjas pouring in] Gray Hare: They found us! [the other Hares arm themselves] White Hare: [with rainbow vest] Protect Snowball! [a door is turned down, and a ninja, a monk, and a layman enter the lodge. Another door breaks down and another monk enters with three ninjas] Brown Hare: They're everywhere! [Hares and ninja battle each other, killing each other as Stan watches] Randy: [approaches Stan with Snowball] Come on, we've gotta go! [a ninja spots him and quickly fires an arrow into his left leg. He stumbles] Stan, take Snowball and get out of here! Stan: Where am I supposed to go? Randy: Just get out of here! [Stan turns around and heads for the entrance. A ninja comes up behind him, but Randy grabs the ninjas leg and holds on, forcing the ninja to fall. The ninja tries to kick Randy off] Layman: Where is the rabbit?! Scene Description: Galveston Lodge, outside. Stan runs into a small woods nearby, but he hears car doors, so he goes back to see what's going on. The ninjas and laymen are rounding up the wounded Hares. Hare 6: Where are you taking us? Hare 7: No! I'm not goin' anywhere! [the layman walks up and shoot him in the head, and he falls.] Stan: Jesus Christ! [a monk has Randy restrained] Layman: Who did you give the rabbit to?! [slaps Randy, Randy spits back. The layman punches Randy in the stomach and has him rounded up with the others] Search the area! The boy could not have gotten far! Stan: Oh no... [looks around, then runs off] Scene Description: Kyle's house, night. Kyle is at the dining room table doing fingerpaints of Stars of David for Passover. The doorbell rings and he goes to answer it. Stan is at the entrance gasping for air and carrying Snowball. He's a bit unkempt. Stan: Help. Kyle: What happened? Stan: My Dad's in a rabbit-worshiping cult called the Hare Club For Men they protect the secret of Easter but before they said what it was they were attacked by ninjas and put me in charge of Snowball. Kyle: ...I'm kind of finger painting right now. Stan: [enters anyway] Dude, they took my Dad away. They even shot one of his fellow hares. And now they're after me! [turns around and fires off a few questions] Do you know anything about Easter? What is the connection between Jesus and rabbits and colored eggs? Kyle: Dude, I'm Jewish. I have no idea. Scene Description: A dark place. Randy is laying on the floor, the arrow removed from his leg. He stirs, coughs, and sits up. He's in an old large jail cell with the surviving Hares Randy: Nelson. [crawls towards him] Nelson? Nelson, say something. Nelson: [reclining against a cage wall] My legs. I... I think they're broken. Randy: Nelson, do you know where we are? Where did they take us? Nelson: Don't know... we traveled for hours... kept blacking out... [coughs. Randy lets go and crawls back, but sees someone standing before him] Randy: You... Scene Description: A mansion, night. Stan and Kyle arrive and knock on its front door. A butler answers the door Kyle: Hi, we'd like to speak to a [reads the name from a slip of paper] Professor Teabag? [Stan is still carrying Snowball] Butler: What is it in regard to? [the professor appears at the far end with a walking stick] Kyle: The history of Easter. Teabag: [walks slowly towards the boys] Sorry boys, it's a little late for me to be giving lectures. [turns around and walks away] Stan: Please? Do you know anything about the Hare Club For Men? [the professor stops and turns around] Teabag: The Keepers? [walks towards them] The Guardians of the Secret? Stan: [the butler steps aside] My Dad is in it. This... rabbit is too somehow. Teabag: Come on in. [smiles] Scene Description: Teabag's study. He leads the boys in and begins Teabag: The Hare Club For Men has been around for centuries. One of its most famous members was Leonardo da Vinci. [on a large widescreen TV is a picture of The Last Supper] Behold the Last Supper. The dinner Christ had with his disciples the night before he was crucified. What food do you see on the table? Stan: Just bread... Teabag: Really? Look to Jesus's right. [zooms in and pans to the lower left, then zooms in on an oval shape] The food which is a little different color than the others. Kyle: It kind of looks like... an egg. Teabag: Yes. The egg marks the secret. It lies directly in front of... [zooms out and a bright trace appears around the disciple behind the egg] Saint Peter. Kyle: Who is Saint Peter? Stan: He was the disciple that Jesus made into the first pope. Teabag: Eggsactly. But there's something the Church didn't tell you. In actuality, Peter wasn't a man at all. Saint Peter... was a rabbit. [the boys say nothing for a few seconds] Kyle: [flatly] Peter Rabbit. Teabag: Of course, the Church wouldn't allow da Vinci to paint Peter as a rabbit, so he painted him as a man, but left clues. Look closely. Kyle: I don't see it. Teabag: Look closelier. [zooms in] Stan: He looks like a guy. Teabag: Look more closelier. [zooms in further, and a pair of rabbit ears appear on Peter's head] With laser technology we can look beneath the paint, the way da Vinci originally painted it. [Peter disappears from the picture and a white rabbit appears next to the egg which was in front of Peter] That... is Saint Peter. [Stan jumps a bit] The original Pope of Christianity. Kyle: I don't believe it. Teabag: Proof is everywhere. Look at the Pope's hat. [a picture of Benedict XVI appears] It makes no sense, except that it was originally designed... [a picture of a rabbit slides in next to that of the pope, and Teabag moves the hat from the pope to the rabbit] for a rabbit. Stan: [looks at the professor] But why would Jesus want a rabbit to run his church? Teabag: Because Jesus knew no one man could speak for everyone in a religion. Men can be intolerant; rabbits are pure. But the Catholic Church buried the truth, put a man in charge, and the Hare Club For Men has been decorating eggs ever since to keep the secret in da Vinci's painting alive. Kyle: So... the Vatican took Stan's dad? Scene Description: The Vatican, night. Thunder and lightning roll through the sky. At St. Peter's Basilica, the Pope approaches one of the doors with a monk behind him. The Hare Club for Men is waiting to meet him Pope Benedict: You dare to mock God by telling people St. Peter was a rabbit? Randy: You monster! You have no right to wear that hat! Pope Benedict: Trying to tell people that St. Peter was a rabbit is blasphemy! You must admit you are wrong or burn in hell! Randy: It's saying stupid things like that that made Jesus wanna put a rabbit in charge. Layman: I'm sorry I couldn't bring you the rabbit, Your Holiness, but they know where it is! Pope Benedict: The rabbit you call Snowball is a threat to Christ's Church. Where is the rabbit?! Randy: I don't know! And even if I did know... well, I'd probably tell you because I don't wanna be here anymore. Layman: Take him to be tortured! Pope Benedict: Tortured, huh, but Bill, all this... torturing and ninjas, it just doesn't seem very Christian. Bill: [the layman] You asked for the help of the American Catholic League, let us do our job! Take him! [a cardinal and a ninja open the door, take Randy in, and escort him to his torture.] Randy: No! No, you bunny-hating bastards! Don't do this! Scene Description: Teabag's mansion. Stan and Kyle are still looking at the Last Supper. Stan turns around. Stan: I don't get it. Why would the pope be holding my Dad hostage for Snowball? Teabag: I believe Snowball must be a direct descendant of St. Peter himself, and therefor the true heir of the pope's throne. [the butler is shown polishing a steel vase as some ninjas make their way towards the study] Butler: [notices some ninjas behind him] Mr. Teabag! Get out! [one of the ninjas runs his sword through the butler's head and out his face, killing him] Stan: They found me! Teabag: Boys, get out of here! [takes them to a window and opens it] Head to the woods! I'll try to buy you some time. [Stan and Kyle climb down the ladder he's prepared for them] Bill: [off screen] Check upstairs! [the professor picks up a box of... PEEPS] Upstairs clear! Try the office! [Teabag takes the peeps to a microwave oven nearby and opens the oven's door. He puts the peeps in and sets the timer to 15 seconds. Behind him, two ninjas break into the study] Ninja 1: In here! [Teabag closes his eyes] Ninja 2: What's that? [the peeps begin to expand quickly and fill up the oven. Four seconds left, three, two, one...] Ninja 1: PEEEEPS! [the oven explodes, spewing peeps everywhere and killing Teabag. Stan and Kyle are running away when they turn to see the whole mansion being destroyed by peep marshmallow] Kyle: So what now? Stan: If the pope has my Dad... I have to give him what he wants. Kyle: You aren't just gonna hand Snowball over? Stan: What choice do I have?! There's nobody left who can help us! [softly] Wait... unless... maybe there is. [hands Snowball to Kyle] Here, hold this. [walks some distance away from Kyle and prays] Jesus, I know we haven't talked in a long time, and I know that every time you appear we end up killing you somehow, but... I don't know what to do. And I could really use your help. [waits for a long time, then peeks with his right eye, then with both, but there's no sign of Jesus. He opens his eyes wide, as normal, and looks up. Kyle looks down at Snowball] Kyle: I think the rabbit just crapped on my jacket. Scene Description: A news special comes on: World News, Easter Vigil coverage. Announcer: Live, from the Vatican, it's our Easter Vigil coverage. Reporter: As Holy Saturday comes to an end, the Easter vigil at the Vatican begins. Thousand have turned out to hear the Pope and celebrate the Resurrection. [visitors whip out their cameras and take pictures] For this Easter vigil the Pope is also showing his divine grace by feeding the poor, with a massive rabbit stew. [two chefs stand atop ladders next to a huge cauldron, slicing up ingredients. Bill and a ninja bring in a bunny to toss into the cauldron] Violet Hare: NOOO! Noo! No, don't put m- [he's thrown in and is boiled to death] AAAAAAAAAAH! Pope Benedict: Bill, this seems extreme. Bill: The child who has the rabbit has to know that we are willing to kill the hostages if he doesn't hand it over. Italian Cardinal: Your Holiness, a child has arrived with a the rabbit! Bill: Ya see? [the three leave to meet this boy] Scene Description: St. Peter's Basilica. Stan and Kyle walk towards the alter with Snowball. Randy greets them as he's headed towards his torture Randy: Oh thank God! Hand it over, Stan! They're gonna kill me! Give them the rabbit! Pope Benedict: Yes, hand it over! Stan: First, you have to promise you won't hurt it! And that you'll let everybody go! Pope Benedict: We promise. Bill: We swear it, on the cross. Randy: Just hand over the bunny, Stan! Stan: Okay, fine. [a cardinal takes Snowball from Stan, and Randy is released] Randy: [reaching his son] Stanley, why did you do that? I would have proudly died for that rabbit. Stan: You said "hand over the bunny." Randy: No! That is not the way we're remembering it! Bill: Take them into custody! [ninjas come in and put cuffs on Randy and the boys] Stan: Hey, what the hell! Pope Benedict: Bill, we have zeh rabbit, it's all we need. Bill: Don't be soft, Your Holiness! These "whores" must be punished in front of everyone! Kyle: You swore on the cross, fatso! Bill: Yeah. Too bad for you... it was a double cross! [cackles] Randy: Oh, we should've seen that coming! Pope Benedict: Bill, I'm not sure that double-crossing people is very Christian. Bill: It is what Christ would've wanted! Jesus: [off-screen] Who are you to say that?! [the clerics look surprised. Jesus approaches them from the entrance of the basilica] Pope Benedict: It... can't be. Stan, Kyle: Jesus! [as Jesus walks, clergymen genuflect and bow to him] Singer: He is risen. He is risen. Let the voices sing his praises on this holy day. He is risen! Cardinal: Jesus, we thought you died. In Iraq. Jesus: I have the power of resurrection. Or have you forgotten? You all seem to have forgotten a lot of things. Stan: Jesus, you did answer my prayer! [grins] Jesus: Actually, I was answering the prayer of Nick Donovan. Purple Hare 2: Ohh, that's me Neato! Jesus: This is exactly why I put a rabbit in charge of the Church, Benedictus! Because men are so easily led astray. St. Peter was a rabbit. And a rabbit should be Pope. Bill: Kill him! Pope Benedict: What?! Bill: He goes against the Church. He must die! Pope Benedict: All right, that does it, Bill. I'm pretty sure that killing Jesus is not very Christian. Bill: You are soft! Weak! You leave me no choice: take them! [two ninjas apprehend Jesus] Jesus: What are you doing?! [two others arrest Benedict] Pope Benedict: I am the Pope! Bill: You are no longer able to fulfill your duties to the Lord! [removes the papal tiara and places it on his own head] The Easter vigil will go on as planned! [walks to a clear spot with Snowball, so all could see.] Every Hare Club member, young and old, will watch as their precious savior dies! Jesus: What is your problem, guy?! Bill: Lock up those two Jews! [referring to Kyle and Jesus] We'll deal with them later. Stan: No! No! [Stan and Randy are taken away in one direction, Kyle and Jesus in another, Benedict in still another] Scene Description: Easter Vigil coverage continues. Reporter: A strange turn of events here at the Vatican: Pope Benedictus has stepped down, ushering the new era of... Pope Bill Donohue Scene Description: The platform outside St. Peter's, moments later. Bill presides over the rabbit stew. Bill: My people! This Easter I'm gonna start by making our rabbit stew ten times meatier! [the crowds cheer loudly] Randy: No! Listen! We aren't rabbits! [a ninja punches him in the stomach] Oof. Scene Description: A dungeon cell. Jesus and Kyle are in it. Jesus has a file in his right hand and is furiously sawing away at a chain by the cell's entrance. Across the hall from him is Benedict XVI in his own cell. Pope Benedict: Forgive me, Jesus. Jesus: We'll never get out in time to stop him! Kyle: Don't you have any superpowers? Jesus: [throws the file away] Not as a mortal. Only in death. Wait. That's it. We have no choice, Kyle. You're going to have to kill me. Kyle: What? Jesus: Stab me with this. [brings out a small dagger] If I die I can resurrect outside the bars. Kyle: N-no way! Do it yourself. Jesus: Suicide is blasphemy. There's no choice here, Kyle! Kyle: Dude, you don't understand, I'm a Jew. I have a few hang ups about killing Jesus. Jesus: Just make it quick. [kneels down and hands the dagger to Kyle] Through the neck. I'll arise again immediately. Kyle: [looks at the dagger in dismay] Don't make me do this. Jesus: My son, there is no time! Do it! Kyle: Eric Cartman can never know about this. Jesus: I understand. And Kyle, happy Easter. Kyle: Happy Easter, Jesus. [stabs Jesus in the neck, as ordered] Jesus: Awgh! [walks around for a few seconds, groaning and shedding blood here and there. He falls forward and his halo rolls away with a metallic "clink"] Kyle: ...Jesus? Scene Description: Back at the platform, Bill continues his speech. Bill: Behold, no longer will Easter be about bunnies and colored eggs! Kill the rabbit! [a cardinal holds Snowball over the cauldron] Cardinal: Sorry, little bunny. Stan: Snowball! [now dressed in rabbits ears and snout like Randy. A bright light appears near one of the obelisks in the center of the piazza, and Jesus' figure appears in the light. The light fades and Jesus is all alone. The crowd oohs and aahs] Tourist: Jesus? Jesus: Stop! That rabbit is of holy descent! Bill: Why won't you go away?! Jesus: One man cannot be the voice of the Church! Bill: Enough of this blasphemy! I'm the Pope now! That means I am the voice of God! Jesus: Not anymore. I'm removing you from your position. [brings out a black and yellow glaive, then presses a button in the middle to release the blades, as in a switchblade. He throws it towards Bill, who runs from it. It levels off and slices through Bill's midsection and returns to Jesus. Jesus strikes a pose and catches it with his right hand. The blades disappear into their sheaths. Jesus brings out some sunglasses with his left hand and puts them on, still maintaining the dramatic pose.] Crowd: YAAAY! Stan: All right Jesus! Scene Description: St. Peter's Basilica, day. The sun is bright and the sky is blue, the basilica is decked out with streamers and Easter wreaths. White smoke rises above and behind the basilica, indicating a new pope Crowd: Sanctum Piter oteum, Deus ore uneum. Hippitus hoppitus reus homine. Cardinal: Your Holiness, what should we tell the world about how to run their lives? [Snowball now sits on the papal throne. Snowball, having no human vocal cords, says nothing] It isn't saying anything. Italian Cardinal: Yes, just as a-Jesus intended it. Randy: Stanley, I'm so proud of you. You've learned so very much this Easter. Stan: Yeah. I've learned not to ask questions. Just dye the eggs and keep my mouth shut. Randy: That's my boy. Crowd: [in the background] In suspiratoreum, lepus in re sanctum. Hippitus hoppitus Deus Domine.

Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Friday during the day, Mrs. Garrison's class. The kids enter the classroom Mrs. Garrison: [enters and drops her books on her desk in anger] Everyone, sit down and shut the fuck up! God damn it! [some papers flutter off the top of the stack. She turns and erases some addition problems she had up on the blackboard earlier] Stupid ass man! They're all the same! [Stan crosses his arms and buries his head in them. He's the only student to do so] Kyle: Oh God, here we go again. Mrs. Garrison: All men care about is sex! I spent two hours getting ready for that stupid date! And when the bastard checks out my body, he just says, "Hey, did you used to be a guy or somethin'?" I'm a woman now, so what's it matter?! Stan: Uh oh, this isn't good. Mrs. Garrison: [gets into Stan's face] Did I say something to you, sugartits?! Stan: [frightened] No ma'am. Mrs. Garrison: [heads back to the blackboard] You boys make me sick! You're well on your way to being men, who only think with their penises! I am assigning all of you weekend homework! You are going to read Hemmingway's book, "The Old Man and the Sea"! Cartman: Have you lost your mind? Stan: Dude, we can't read an entire book in one weekend. Mrs. Garrison: Oh, that's too bad, dude. Maybe if you boys could keep your penises in your pants once in a while you'd get more done! Butters: But Teacher, my penis never slips out of my pants. Eh-except sometimes when I'm wearin' pajamas. Mrs. Garrison: If you do not have an essay written on Monday, then you will fail! Is that clear?! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, after school, outside. The students exit and head home. Stan: Dude, how are we supposed to read an entire book over the weekend and write an essay? Kyle: Our whole weekend is shot. Kenny: (What the hell are we going to do?!) Cartman: You guys, you guys, relax. We don't have to read the book or write the essay. Stan: We don't? Cartman: No. There's people you can hire to do these kinds of things. Scene Description: Moovit Truck Rental, in the industrial section of South Park, Friday afternoon. A group of Mexican day laborers stand around waiting for work. Cartman and friends approach them. And Cartman whistles Cartman: ¿Que paso? ¿Que paso? Looking for work? ¿Sí? ¿Trabajo? Laborer 1: [wearing baseball cap with flag] Yeis. Laborer 2: [wearing cap backwards] We looking work, sí. Cartman: [holds his arms out in open embrace] Okay, listen up, Mexicans. We need you to read [whips out the book from his back pocket] "The Old Man and the Sea" for us. Comprende? "E Old Mand Y La Mer". Laborer 2: Okay. Laborer 1: Sure. Laborer 3: [wearing NY baseball cap] Okay. Laborer 4: [wearing gray baseball cap] Yeah. Cartman: Here. We need you to work together, read the book and write four essays, comprende? La samaraisia. Laborer 2: Okay no problem. That's no problem. Laborer 1: Yeah, we can do that. Laborer 5: Sí, la samaraisia. Cartman: Okay, gracias. Stan and Kyle: Gracias. Stan: Dude, that is awesome. I had no idea you could do that. Cartman: Oh yeah, dude. Havin' Mexicans around totally kicks fuckin' ass. Scene Description: Curves, a fitness and weight loss center, day. Mrs. Garrison is running hard on a treadmill, taking out her frustrations. Mrs. Garrison: They can all rot in hell! Who needs men anyway?! They're God damned arrogant self-centered assholes is what they are! [a woman walks up and gets on the treadmill to her right] Woman: Are you okay, hon? Mrs. Garrison: I just hate men is all. It's like all they care about is how hot you look! Woman: Yeah, I've never been into men. That's why I work out here. Since it's women only we don't get oogled at or feel self-conscious. Mrs. Garrison: Tell me about it! I can't even stretch at a normal gym without some guy trying to stare down my vage. Woman: I'm Allyson. Mrs. Garrison: Oh, I'm Janet. Janet Garrison. Sorry I'm so pissed off. Allyson: No, I like it. You seem like a very strong woman. Janet: Yeah, I've been told that. Allyson: How come I've never seen you down at the girl bar? Janet: Girl bar? I never even knew there was such a place. Allyson: Oh you'd love it. It's the only bar in town where women like us can hang out and be ourselves. It's called "Lebow". Scene Description: Les Bos, night, 13280. "Lebow" is the French pronunciation of Les Bos. Allyson and Janet approach the front door. Allyson leads Janet in. Allyson: Hi Linda, hi Kate. Woman 2: Hey Allyson. Woman 3: Who's the new girl? Woman 2: Allyson always goes for the butch ones. Allyson: [approaches the bar with Janet] Hey Nell. What's up, Tracy? Janet: Oowhat a great place. All the girls here seem to know each other. Allyson: Yeah. Well, most of the girls here have done each other. [gets a glass and a beer and pours the beer into the glass.] Janet: He-yeah. Done what? Allyson: You know. [smiles] Had sex. [passes the beer to Janet and orders a second beer for herself.] Janet: [looks around] Oh my God, this is a lesbian bar? Allyson: Yeah. I... thought you understood that. Janet: Oh jeez. [fans herself] Allyson: I'm sorry. I thought you knew what "girl bar" meant. Janet: But I'm not a- ...whoa! Who-o-o-o-oa. [moves away] Scene Description: Les Bos, bathroom. Janet is washing her face. Allyson: Janet, I'm really sorry. It's just that at the gym you said you didn't like being with men, so I thought you were a- Janet: I don't like being with men! They're perverted selfish pigs! Allyson: Have you... never even... thought... of being... with another woman? Janet: Oho goodness no! Of course I haven't. I mean... really I don't even understand how two women can make love. I mean un, unless they just kinda [demonstrates with her fingers] scissor or something. Allyson: There are a lot of ways to make love, Janet. Janet: I guess I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little ...titillated. Allyson: Could I... maybe kiss you? [gets close, but Janet turns and walks away] Janet: Oh, this is wrong! You're another woman; it doesn't make sense! Allyson: Is it wrong, Janet? Let your inhibitions go. Let's just have fun tonight. [they hold hands] No commitments. [Allyson lets go] Just fun. [she grabs her hand and they close in for the kiss] Scene Description: Janet's bedroom, later. Janet and Allyson are going at it in bed. Janet: Oh yeah, scissor! Yeah, scissor me Allyson! Allyson: Janet, you're crazy! Janet: Oh, this is hot scissoring! Ohh! Scissor me timbers! Scene Description: South Park, Monday, just before dawn. The boys walk over to Moovit Trucking to meet up with the laborers and get their finished essays. Kyle: They'd better be done with the book reports! School starts in 15 minutes! Cartman: They'll be done. [whistles to get the laborers' attention.] ¿Que paso? ¿Que paso? [the laborers approach] All right, did you read the book? Laborers: Sí, sí. Kyle: What was it about? Ih-in case our teacher asks us. Laborer 1: Eet starts there the old man, and his job is to catch the feesh, so he get in the boht, to try and catch feesh. Laborer 2: Saw he catch the feesh, but the feesh is very strong, so the old man, cannot reel in the feesh. Laborer 5: So then he fight the feesh. Some more. And he finally catch the feesh. Kyle: He catches the feesh so, then he can make money. Laborer 1: No, because on the way home, the sharks come and eat the feesh. And so, he no make money. [all five laborers take off their hats and put them against their chests in mourning] Stan: That's it, that's the whole story? Laborer 1: Sí. Cartman: All right, did you write the four essays? Laborer 1: Sí, we all wrote essays for you. [the laborers put their caps back on] The Boys: [all thumbs up] All right! Cartman: Okay, let's have 'em. Laborer 4: Have what? Kyle: You said you all wrote essays. Laborer 1: Well, my ese lives in Miami. I wrote to him like you said, but I don't think he got the letter yet. Laborer 2: I wrote my ese in Albuquerque. Laborer 5: I wrote three eses: my ese back home, my ese in Denver, and my ese in Glenwood even wrote me back. "Thanks for writing me, ese." [the boys are stunned] Kenny: (Uh oh...) Kyle: Dude, we're totally fucked now! Cartman: Why the hell would we pay you to write your friends?! Laborer 1: We thought it was kind of strange. Kyle: This is your fault, Cartman! Now we're gonna fail! Stan: You guys, school starts in ten minutes! Kyle: Son of a bitch! [the boys turn and head for school] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Monday morning, Mrs. Garrison's class. The kids enter the classroom Stan: [sees Clyde] Clyde? Clyde! Heyhey Clyde! [Clyde turns around] You didn't finish your essay either, right? Clyde: No, I got it done. [turns and walks to his desk. Jimmy walks up beside the boys] Kyle: Jimmy, did you finish your book report? Jimmy: Yeah. I feel pretty good about it. I finished my whole book report and, I got a really nice letter from my ese who works down at the U-Haul. [walks off, leaving the boys dumbfounded] Cartman: Crap! [the boys head for their seats] Kyle: We're dead. Mrs. Garrison: [dances into the room and sings] Hello, class. Here's my little desk [strokes it gently], my nice lil chalkboard. [hugs it. The boys are surprised at her behavior] Cartman: Mrs. Garrison, about our book reports. Mrs. Garrison: [acting bashful] Oho, that's okay Eric. If you need a little more time with your homework, just say so. Kyle: [looks at Cartman, then at Stan. Stan looks back at both of them] Really? Mrs. Garrison: Kids, I need to tell you something that you might find shocking. [sighs] I'm gay. [silence follows] Stan: Again? Mrs. Garrison: [sits on the edge of her desk, right leg over left] It was a shock to me too. I... met another woman and... we went to this fabulous bar called "Les Bos" where I finally felt at home. Allyson and I talked, and really opened up to each other and... then we... [demonstrates] scissored all night long. Butters: You have to be careful with scissors. Mrs. Garrison: But listen, I am not going to just rush into a relationship with Allyson. I'm a late-in-life lesbian. So I need to play the field for a while, right? [closes her eyes] Oh I'm so happy. Cartman: That's great! Let's hear it for Teacher being a lesbian! Class: Yay! Mrs. Garrison: [blushing and hides behind her hands] Teeheeheehee. Scene Description: Les Bos, night. Janet goes to the bar alone. Janet: [now confident] Hey Tracy, hey Kate. Tracy: Hi Janet. Janet: Lookin' hot, Linda. Wanna go somewhere and scissor later on? [moves away] Linda: [Woman 2] Huh? Janet: Hey Patty. Patty: What's up, Janet. Janet: [lights a cigarette] Ooo, stop giving me that look. Scissoring me with your eyes. Big Woman: Hey Janet, why don't you pick up on your own girl? [Janet flicks the cigarette away and leaves her seat, comes up behind the big woman and pulls her down on her stool to the ground and starts punching her.] Janet: Oh yeah, dyke fight! [they roll around on the floor and the big woman gets away. The other women gather to watch. the big woman lands a kick to Janet's groin] You kicked me right in the pussy! [the fight resumes and they tumble into a booth, fighting all the way to the floor again. The big woman fights Janet off, but Janet gets turned on and starts having sex...] Uh? Oh! Oh, we're scissoring. Oh yeah, scissor! [the big woman, distracted for a moment, goes back to attacking Janet.] Lesbian 4: You guys. You guys, stop it. Listen to me, everybody. I got some bad news. Lesbian 5: What is it, Katie? Katie: They're closing down the bar. For good! Linda: Closing it down? They can't do that. Lesbian 6: [blonde] This is our home. Janet: Yeah, this is our home. Katie: Well it's true, I just talked to the owners. They've sold the bar to Persians. Janet: Persians?! Tracy: So where are we supposed to go? Janet: We aren't going anywhere! We have a history here! Persians are closing this bar over my dead lesbian body! Scene Description: City Hall, the Mayor's Office, day. Janet and the other lesbians are in the office. Janet: Mayor, this is an outrage! We are being discriminated against as lesbians! Mayor McDaniels: You're a lesbian now? Janet: That's right. A proud lesbian! And our home is being taken away! Mayor McDaniels: The bar has been sold to Persian club owners. I don't know what you want me to do about it. Janet: Forbid the transaction! This is happening all over the country, Mayor. Lesbian bars being bought out, shut down, it isn't right! Lesbians: Yeah, that's right! Mayor McDaniels: I'm sorry, but my hands are tied. The new owners plan to start redecorating the bar tomorrow. You have to be out by then. Janet: [approaches the desk] Have you seen how Persians decorate? They will cover that bar in cheesy blue carpeting, white statues and gold curtain rods to the point that you will want to puke! Mayor McDaniels: Mrs. Garrison, get out of here. Scene Description: Les Bos, later. The lesbians gather there for one last time. Tracy: Well, here's to some great times at this place. Lesbian 7: Yeah. Guess we'll just have to find somewhere else to hang out. Janet: Now, come on gals! I can't believe what I'm hearing! We can't just give up! Allyson: Well, what are we supposed to do, Janet? Janet: We stand and fight! When the Persians come we tell them "We aren't leaving Les Bos." Katie: Actually, it's "Lebow". Janet: [faces Katie with a ready fist to be pumped] No, it's Les Bos! [addressing all the lesbians] We... are Lesbos! And as Lesbos, we cannot just stand and watch as one girl bar after another gets shut dowwwwwn! Linda: [coming into view] The Persians have sent somebody to talk to us. Emir: Hello, my name is Emir Hadi. My boss sent me over here because he heard that you were upset about us trying to take over the bar. Lesbian 6: Yes, we are. Emir: Well, we want to assure you that when this place becomes another Club Persh, you will all still be 100% welcome. All they want is to make the place really nice. We're going to put down some lovely blue carpet, and gold curtain rods. Janet: I knew it! I knew it! Emir: But you are still welcome to come. My boss wants you to know that you will not be discriminated against in any way. Janet: Would you allow straight people in? Men? Emir: Well... we would allow whoev- Janet: Choose your next words wisely, Persian! [jabs a finger into Emir's chest. Emir backs away] Emir: Look uhh, we don't have to offer you anything, so... I don't know why you're being so difficult. This is crazy. Janet: No, this isn't crazy. This... is... Les Bos! [kicks him in the groin and walks away] Emir: Ohhhhh! Persian: How dare you! [Janet is shown in slow motion, her hips swaying back and forth] Narrator: And so it had begun. By kicking the Persian messenger in the balls, the lesbos had sent a message. [Emir throws up on the floor]. All over the country lesbians heard of the brave standoff. Anchor: As a group of lesbians in Colorado are refusing to allow the new owners of their bar in. Lesbian 8: Good for them! Lesbian 9: You go girls! [she takes a chip and bites into it. The bite is shown in slow motion.] Narrator: The Persians returned to their office and told their coworkers how the thirty lesbos were refusing to let them in. Tumon: Well fine. If they're going to block the entrance, we'll just bring like, sixty of us! I'll call more Persians for help. [turns left and picks up a phone in slow mo, then a fast-forward to dialing the numbers. The dialing is shown in slow motion. Next shot is Les Bos under a sepia sky] Narrator: The hours pass quickly, and the lesbians boldly stood out in front of their bar to stop the Persians from entering. Lesbian 6: Here they come. [the Persians approach, but stop short] Big Woman: There's so many of them. Janet: Lesbos! Positions! [they all take a battle stance] Tumon: Lesbians! Stand aside. We're coming in to redecorate it! Janet: The hell you are! You can take your blue carpet and gold curtain rods and shove them up your Persian buttholes! Tumon: All right! Come on! They can't stop all of us! Huuu! Persians: [charging forward] Huuu! [slow motion feet are shown] Janet: Lesbos! Remember this day! Remember this fight! [the battle begins with both sides pushing, the line going back and forth] Don't give them an inch! [she gets poked somewhere] Ow! Iranian faggot! Tumon: Come on, seriously, let us in! Janet: Never! Narrator: For hours, the Lesbos kept the Persians back, holding them off, keeping them from decorating. [Janet and the second Persian are shown in intense shoving combat] Finally the Persians grew tired. and many of them wanted to go shopping for more designer sunglasses. They retreated. [and threw down their weapons] The Lesbos... had held. Janet: Lesbohhhs! Lesbians: Huok! Huok! Narrator: The Persians who did not go shopping now knew they must face their boss. Tumon: [turns around] Here he comes. [the others turn to see. An opulent Hummer draws closer and closer] Narrator: Rauf Xerxes. He sat atop a gold Hummer with customized Gucci accessories which only a Persian would think was cool. [four men pour out of the Hummer and arrange themselves into steps in front of the grille] Tumon: Mr. Xerxes, the Lesbos wouldn't move. We could not get inside to redecorate. Xerxes: [deep voice] Tumon, how could you have failed me in this simple task? I am so seriously pissed off right now. I could bust a testicle. Narrator: And with that the Persian club owner came to a realization. Xerxes: I shall have to deal with these lesbos myself. Scene Description: Les Bos, the aftermath of the Battle of South Park. The improvised weapons are strewn all over the street. Janet: Girls, I just want to say that I am very proud of you. The way we kept those Persians from takin' over our bar was Les-tastic. Allyson: Well that's great, Janet, but what now? We can't just stay here pushing them away our whole lives. Janet: We can't? I think it's pretty fun. Linda: We have to have a more solid plan. Something we can use against them permanently. Lesbian 10: [WNBA player] Maybe we can dig up some dirt on the club owner. Janet: Hey, that's a great idea, Betsy. We need somebody working on the inside. Allyson: Whattaya mean? Janet: If we could get some Persians on our side, we could send them in to try to dig up some dirt on the owner! Allyson: But who's gonna spy on them for us? We don't know any Persians. Janet: It's okay. There's people you can hire for this kind of thing. Scene Description: Moovit Trucking, day. Janet shows up with Women 6 and 8 and whistles at the laborers. Janet: ¿Que paso? ¿Que paso? Looking for work? Sí? Trabajo? Laborer 1: Yeis. Laborer 2: We looking work, sí. Janet: All right. We need you to infiltrate some Persians who run Club Persh. And dig up some dirt on the owner. Laborer 2: Okay. Laborer 1: Sure. Laborer 3: [wearing NY baseball cap] Okay. Laborer 4: [wearing gray baseball cap] Yeah. Allyson: Janet, how is this gonna work? They don't look Persian. Janet: Sure they do. [walks over to one of the laborers, Laborer 1, and works on him] Just have to- gel the hair, put on a silk shirt, some gold chains, and tons of cologne. [shields her eyes from the cologne, then presents the new man] Persian. Laborer 1: Sí. [the two women smile] Lesbian 6: Wow! Janet: All right, Mexicans, take the rest of these outfits and see what you can find out. The address is in there too. Laborer 1: Okay. Laborer 5: No problem. Laborer 2: Yes. Laborer 4: Sí. [they turn around and walk away] Janet: And Mexicans, please hurry. Our girl bar has very little time. Scene Description: Les Bos, stormy sky, day. The camera pans down from the sky. Narrator: A full day passed, and the Lesbos knew a second Persian attack was imminent. Outside, Lesbo lookouts kept watch, ready to alert the others. The Lesbo leader sat nervously inside. Her plan to dress Mexicans as Persians to act as spies - perhaps it had failed. She looked around at her fellow Lesbos. They were tired. In order to keep her Lesbos awake, she had no choice: she would have to make coffee. [Janet turns around (fast motion) and heads to the kitchen (slow motion). She enters the kitchen (fast motion) and grabs the glass kettle from the coffee maker (slow motion). She turns towards the sink (fast motion), and pours water into the kettle (slow motion). She turns back to the coffee maker (fast motion) and pour the water into it (slow motion). She closes the water cover, opens the coffee cover, gets some coffee, returns (all fast motion), and pours the coffee into the coffee filter (slow motion). She closes the coffee cover (fast motion) and presses the on button (slow motion).] With fresh coffee brewed, the Lesbos found new life, but would it be enough? Lesbian 6: [standing on a booth bench and looking out a window] The Persians are attacking again! Janet: Take positions, Lesbos! Lesbian 11: Get outside! [the lesbians begin to move towards the door] Janet: No wait, wait! That's not the Persians, it's the Mexicans. Linda: Really? Allyson: How can you tell? Janet: Let them through. It's okay. Laborer 3: Hola, ¿como estas? Laborer 4: Hola. Janet: Did you uncover anything? Are the Persians doing anything illegal? Laborer 4: Ahh, no. They're not doing anything illegal. Janet: A-are you sure? Laborer 1: No, but we did find out a kind of secret about the person in charge. Janet: What secret?! [Laborer 4 hands him some photos] Oh my God, are, are you sure about this? Laborers: Sí. Allyson: Janet! Janet, the Persian boss is here. He wants to talk to you and you alone. Janet: It's okay. It's time I met this rich Persian asshole face to face. Scene Description: Les Bos, outside, moments later. Xerxes descends from his throne as Janet approaches Xerxes: Why are you lesbians being so difficult? Janet: Because we're protecting the only home we have. Xerxes: I don't know why you have to be all superlame about this. Janet: You know, a long time ago when I first realized I was a lesbian, I felt isolated, confused. And finally I found a place that accepts me for who I am. Xerxes: Okay, how about this? [stands behind her and puts his hands on her shoulders] I will make you the manager of Club Persh. You'll make good money. Janet: That's a generous offer, Xerxes, but you see, there's something I know about you. [takes Xerxes' left hand and sniffs it] I know you're actually a woman. Xerxes: [lets go and backs away quickly] How..? How did you find that out? Janet: I hired Mexicans to spy on you! They saw you working out at Curves. Xerxes: You don't understand. Women can't be the boss in Persian culture. Nobody can know about this. Janet: Yeah. And you know why? Because men are all assholes! They make you feel ashamed for being a little... big, or, manly looking. [Xerxes wasn't expecting this response] But not Lesbos. We accept other women for who they are inside! Xerxes: You do? Seriously? Janet: Have you never... even thought, of being with another woman before? Xerxes: No. I don't even know how two women... can make love. Unless they just kind of [demonstrates with her fingers] scissor or something. Scene Description: Janet's bedroom, later. Janet and Xerxes are going at it in bed. Janet: Ohh yeah! Scissor me, Xerxes! Xerxes: Ohh, that feels so supercool! Janet: Yeah, scissor! Xerxes: Ohh, I'm a new woman! Scene Description: Les Bos, next day. A bright blue sky and fluffy clouds grace it. Narrator: And so it was that Les Bos was saved. The Persians had agreed to keep it a lesbian bar, for no dyke should be without cocktails. Janet: Thanks for everything, Xerxes. Xerxes: No. Thank you, friend. Allyson: Hey, aren't you supposed to be teaching school right now? Janet: The school hired a substitute to cover for me. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, morning, Mrs. Garrison's class. The kids are quietly paying attention Laborer 1: Hand so to find the sum of the two fractions, zhyou must always first check for the lowest common denominator. [the five laborers the boys first hired are there] Laborer 2: Sí. Laborers: Sí. Sí. Yes. Yes. That's right. Laborer 4: Sí. Stan: These guys are pretty good. Kyle: Yeah. I think I'm actually learning something. [both boys resume taking notes.]

Scene Description: The neighborhood, day. The boys head for the park. Cartman: All right, this time, it's me and Kenny versus you two assholes. Kyle: Fine. Stan: [stops] Oh, dude, what's with all the homeless people? [all around the basketball court homeless people loiter or sleep. There's one bum sleeping at center court. The boys walk up to him] Sir, could you move a little, please? Bum: Spare some change? Cartman: [pinches his nose shut] Aw, dude, he smells like Kenny's house. [releases the pinch] Get out of here! Kyle: You guys, that's not cool. These people have nowhere to go. [a slow pan of the homeless around them] They don't have food or shelter. We have to do something. Stan: Well dude, what are we supposed to do? Kenny: (Yeah, what are we supposed to do?) Cartman: No, Kyle's right, you guys. We should do something. Kyle: Really? Cartman: Yeah. I know what you're thinking, Kyle, and I'm with you. I know exactly what we should do. Scene Description: Moments later, kids from around the neighborhood gather in the basketball court. Butters: [through a bullhorn] Gather 'round and witness the glory as Eric Cartman attempts to jump his skateboard over the homeless. [Stan and Kenny prepare the ramp at center court for Cartman] Cartman: Thank you, thank you. [to Stan and Kenny] The ramp ready? Stan: Yeah, it's all set. Clyde: He won't make it. Kyle: Excuse me, this isn't exactly what I had in mind! Cartman: All right, here we go! Jimmy? [Jimmy starts the drum roll. Cartman takes off and picks up speed on his way to the ramp. Tweek and Bebe have their fists ready to pump for him. He leaves the ramp successfully, only to land on the bum and hit the ground without injury] Bum: Oh! Aww. Cartman: [jumps off his skateboard] Yes! I did it! [tosses his helmet away] I jumped over the homeless! [turns around] Yes! Kenny: (Yehes!) Stan: That was a sweet idea, Kyle. [smiles] Kyle: God damn it, that wasn't my idea! Scene Description: South Park City Hall, day, the City Council. The Mayor is presiding and her two aides stand behind her Mayor McDaniels: All right, people, we need to come up with answers. There are homeless sprouting up all over town. What are we supposed to do? [silence for a few seconds] Fire Chief: Well, I, I short of had an idea. Mayor McDaniels: Please, Mr. Valmer. Mr. Valmer: [the fire chief] We could give the homeless all designer sleeping bags and makeovers. At least that way they'd be pleasant to look at. Other Members: Oh, that's a good one. Good idea. I like it. Randy: Well I was thinking: We could turn the homeless into tires, so that we'd still have homeless, but we could use them, on our cars. Mr. Valmer: Ohh, that's a good one. Mr. Mackey: Nice one, Randy. Gerald: Like it. Aide: That's like recycling. Mrs. Testaburger: All right, enough! I find this whole conversation to be extremely offensive! The homeless aren't monsters, they are people, like you and me! Randy: You mean they've adapted, copied our DNA. Homeless advisor: Excuse me. I am the top researcher of homeless studies for Park County. I don't know why more homeless people are showing up in town, but I do know... that we must be extremely careful. If we give them anything, there could be more. Scene Description: Kyle's house, a rainy night. Kyle looks out from a window on the second floor and sees a homeless man on the sidewalk. The man carries a used tin can with his right hand and a small "SPARE CHANGE?" cardboard sign with his left hand. A car passes by and honks. Kyle takes pity on him and comes downstairs. He opens the front door, exits, and walks up to the man. Kyle: Hi. I've uh... [the man faces him] I've been saving up for a new Xbox game but... but I think you could use the money a lot more than I could. Listen I, I want you to take this. [hands him a bill] It's twenty dollars. [drops it into the tin can and backs up, smiling] Bum: Got any more? Kyle: [frowns] No, that... I thought that was a lot. Bum: [turns around and walks off a bit, asking no one in particular] Spare any change? Kyle: [sad at the lack of gratitude] You're welcome. [walks back into the house with his head down] Scene Description: South Park, morning. Kyle climbs onto his toy box and looks out the window again. More homeless people have arrived and are camped out in front of the house. Kyle: Oh crap. [the doorbell rings and Kyle comes down to answer it. Stan, Kenny, and Cartman enter] Stan: Dude, what are all these homeless people doing in front of your house? Kyle: I don't know. Cartman: There's a bunch outside my house too. Bum: [female] Spare any change, sir? Cartman: No! Fuck off! [slams the door shut] Stan: I don't get it. My Dad said as long as nobody gave them money, they'd move on. Kyle: He did? Cartman: Well this is bullcrap! Somebody has to be responsible! Kyle: Well, I... kind of gave a homeless guy twenty dollars last night. Cartman: You what?! Kyle: Oh c-come on, that can't be why they're all here. There has to be another reason. Stan: Kyle, what were you thinking? Cartman: [makes his way to Kyle] Yeah! I can't possibly jump these many homeless people! I won't risk it! I could jump two homeless people, maybe three, but asking me to jump this many is asking me to risk my life, Kyle! Kyle: I don't want you to jump them, retard! Scene Description: South Park, commercial district, day. Randy walks along Main Street, not really paying attention... Bum 1: Spare some change? Randy: No, sorry, I don't have any change. Bum 2: [a few stores down] Got any change? Randy: No, sorry. [the bum follows him until he passes the third bum] Bum 3: Can you spare some change? [Randy looks back and runs into the fourth bum] Bum 4: [holds out his cup] Chaaange? Randy: Huh! I don't have any change. [more bums come out of the woodwork and crowd in on him] Bum 5: [an elderly woman] Change? Randy: No! Bum 6: Change? [Randy runs across the street, but...] Bum 7: Spare some change? Randy: [shielding himself with his suitcase] Leave me alone I don't have any change! Bum 7: All right, God bless you, sir. Randy: Oh, now I feel bad. [goes back to the bum] Here! [tosses some change into the cup] Ahh! [the other bums reach the other side of the street] Hahh! [begins to run, but other homeless people appear, asking for change. Randy moves past them] Nono, that was really all the change I had. Bum 7: [jumps into view again] Spare some change? Randy: I just gave you change! Bum 8: [another old woman] Change? [the homeless crowd Randy in and he can't escape. Their pleading takes on a chanting quality: "Change? Change? Change? Spare some change? God bless. ..."] Randy: Wahhh! I don't have any more change! [makes his way through the crown of bums] Noo! I don't have any change! I don't have any chaaange! [disappears under the sea of homeless people] Scene Description: The South Park Community Center, day. Gerald, Jimbo, and the Stotches are present. Gerald: Okay, that'll be great. Let's also make sure we have enough chairs in the community center for everyone to attend. Randy: [outside] Waaah! [bangs on the doors] Awwww! [enters, shuts the door behind him, and locks it] Stay away! [implores and pounds on the door] Stay awayhay! Jimbo: Randy? Randy, what happened? Randy: Stay awa- ...I don't have any change! [collapses on the floor against the door] I don't have any chaaaahahange! Scene Description: A splash screen comes up for News 5. Announcer: This is a News 5 Special Bulletin, with Chris Swollenballs. Chris Swollenballs: South Park has become overrun with the homeless. [a shot of the homeless crowd in front of South Park Elementary, then another shot of them in front of Tom's Rhinoplasty] Nearly every square inch of public property is now riddled with homeless, shutting down roadways and making getting around impossible. [a portrait of a homeless woman] Many people are trapped throughout the town. [an aerial shot of the community center. The center is surrounded by homeless people, with the five adults inside it now on the roof] Randy: Help! Help us! Scene Description: Kyle's house, living room. The boys watch the breaking news on TV Stan: Dude, it's our dads. Kyle: Oh my God. Chris Swollenballs: In the meantime, South Park citizens are being advised to stay indoors and protect their change. Bum 9: [appears behind him in the newsroom] Spare some change? Chris Swollenballs: What the? You can't be in here. Bum 9: Ya got any change, sir? Chris Swollenballs: No I don't have any change. How did he get in here? Bum 10: Chaaaaange? Chris Swollenballs: No, please. I don't have any change. Honest I don't. I don't have any- [a PLEASE STAND BY screen pops up and the station goes off the air] Cartman: You see what you did, Kyle?! Stan: Come on, we have to try and help our stupid parents. [the boys turn off the TV and head outside] Scene Description: Kyle's house, outside. Cartman: They're everywhere! Aide: [pulls up in his car] What are you boys doing? Get in. Bum 11: [knocks on his window] Spare any change, sir? Aide: [throws up his arms and shakes his head vigorously] Ahhhh! [settles down and starts driving] Come on, let's go! [some distance down the street] What the hell were you doing outside?! Stan: Our parents are stuck on top of a building in town. Aide: You aren't getting into town! It's completely overrun with these... things. [a bum lands on the windshield] The Boys: Ahh! [the bum begins to wash the windshield] Aide: No! I don't need my windshield cleaned! Stop it! Stop iiit! [peels off at the first opportunity] Look, our only hope is to talk to the homeless researcher out on Travis Street. He understands what's goin' on better than anybody. Just stick with me, kids. [enters an intersection, but doesn't notice the driver to his left, who's not paying attention to the road. They collide, with the aide dying on the spot] The Boys: [exit the car uninjured] Aaahhh! [they move along the street, but notice the homeless everywhere. Another collision takes place a block away from them] Kyle: Holy shit, dude! [behind him, the other three boys move a manhole cover off to one side, opening up a new means of escape] Stan: Over here! [Kyle looks back. Cartman and Kenny drop down into the sewer and Kyle walks to the manhole.] Jump down! Go! [Kyle drops down, and finally, Stan] Cartman: [pinching his nose shut with his left hand as he fans the smell away with his right] Aw man, it really smells like Kenny's house down here. Kenny: [punches Cartman angrily] (Dude, shut the fuck up about my house!) Cartman: Whoa, Kenny, relax dude. We need to work together. Stan: Come on, we gotta get to that scientist's house. [they move forward.] Scene Description: South Park, street level, day. The homeless have paralyzed the town as crashed cars are shown everywhere. The community center roof is shown, with Randy looking out over the parking lot with binoculars. Gerald and Jimbo sit in chairs Randy: [lowers his binoculars] No sign of anybody else. Gerald: [rising from his chair] That's it. I'm gonna make a break for it. Randy: [turns around to face him] Don't be crazy, Gerald. You'll never get through all those homeless people. Stephen: And even if you did, what then? You can't drive anywhere. Gerald: If I can make it through them, maybe I can catch the bus to Fairplay. I have to try. Randy: You won't make it through, Gerald! [Gerald leaves quickly and heads downstairs. He leaves the community center, only to be hounded by bums begging for change] Gerald: [making his way through] Ahh. Ahhhahhahahahh. Bums: Change? Change sir? You got some change? Gerald: Don't have any change... Don't have any change... Damn it! All right, you want change? Here. [reaches into his left pocket and tosses some change off to his left] There! There's some change. All right, a little bit. [reaches into his right pocket and tosses some change off to his right] There you go. Take the change. [leaves, but stops himself] Oh wait. Wait, now I don't have any change left for the bus. Hold on. Can I just get back some of that change, please? Bum 12: Change, sir? Gerald: Can I have just a little change for the bus, please? I need a little... anybody have some change? Change? Got any change? [Randy follows Gerald through his binoculars] Change. Change? [Randy lowers his binoculars in horror] Stephen: What happened? Randy: [closes his eyes] He's become one of them. Scene Description: South Park, night, under a full moon. All around town, the homeless ask for change. The boys are shown arriving at an office of some sort. They knock on the door and the homeless researcher answers it Homeless advisor: Go away, I I don't have any change. Stan: Are you the head of Homeless Studies? Homeless advisor: Yes. Who are you? Stan: We think this may be our friend's fault. [shows Kyle] He gave one of the homeless twenty dollars yesterday- Homeless advisor: Oh my God. Get in here! Tell me what's going on? [the boys enter and he shuts the door] Stan: There's a bunch of people trapped in the middle of town surrounded by homeless people. W-we can't get to them. Cartman: All right, all right, look! I didn't wanna risk it, but... I think I know what to do. I'll try to jump all those homeless and get to the people on that roof. Homeless advisor: Jump them? Cartman: I jump the homeless professionally. If you can get me a skateboard, I'll try to jump that homeless crowd and save those people. Kyle: Oh, shut up, Cartman. All you did was jump over one homeless guy. Cartman: I easily could have cleared another thirty or forty. Kyle: You barely made it over one, fatass! Stan: Kyle, enough! Cartman jumping more homeless people isn't gonna solve anything right now! Kyle: God damn it! I don't want him to jump over more a- Homeless advisor: Boys! Boys! I don't think you quite understand how the homeless function. Perhaps you should come downstairs. To my laboratory. [lightning and thunderclaps follow] Scene Description: South Park Community Center, night. The homeless now call up to the roof. Randy: We don't have any change! Go away! Linda: Anything, Stephen? Stephen: No. All the phone lines are completely down. [the stairwell door behind them rattles and they turn to face it in fear. Randy steps toward it with his shotgun and cocks it. More knocking on the door] A Man: [inside the stairwell] Hello? Ih-it's Steve Garrett from the library. Pu-please let us in. Randy: Find another place to hide, Steve! Steve: I I have others with me. We we have nowhere else to go. One woman here is pregnant. Stephen: We can't just leave them out there. Steve: Let us in! For God's sake, they're coming! No! No, I'm sorry, we don't have any change. Linda: You have to let them in, Randy. Randy: There isn't enough food for more people up here! Steve: Oh God. One of them is a war veteran. [more knocking] We're gonna have to give him some change. Stephen: This isn't happening! Randy: All right all right, fine! [approaches slowly and opens the door. The refugees stream forth] Bum 13: Could you spare some change, sir? Randy: [shuts the door quickly] Harrrh! Scene Description: The Homeless Advisor's lab, later. He's dissected the body of a dead homeless person. Homeless advisor: I've dissected several homeless to see what make them tick. Their anatomy is shockingly similar to ours. See? Everything is there: heart, lungs, kidneys, they're almost identical to us in every way. Except for one. [a homeless man is chained to a wall by a chain around his neck. The advisor approaches him] The homeless... can survive solely... on change. [pulls out some change] Bum 14: [sticks out his cup and strains to get the money] Change? Homeless advisor: They feed on our change. They need it in order to keep them moving Bum 14: Is that... is that some spare change? Homeless advisor: Somehow they're able to take... our change... and turn it into nourishment, sustenance. Bum 14: Spare some of that change, sir? Homeless advisor: But now watch. [drops some coins into the bum's cup and walks back to the boys. The bum rattles his cup a bit] Bum 14: Spare some change? Homeless advisor: It has already completely forgotten that I've given it change. It just wants... more, change. Look over here. [heads to his left and the boys follow] This one I've kept deprived of change for over three days. Bum 15: Chaaaaange? Kyle: What's it doing? Homeless advisor: It's dying. Cartman: Cool. Homeless advisor: I've learned that the nearby city of Evergreen had a homeless problem just before we did. And they were able to stop it. Gerald: [finds the advisor's office and enters] Excuse me, the front door was open. Can I borrow some change? [other homeless men follow him in] Homeless advisor: Oh my God, they're coming in! [leads the boys to an escape hatch above some crates] Quick kids, get out of here! You can fit! Kyle: [helps Cartman up] What about you? Homeless advisor: Get to Evergreen and find out how they got rid of the homeless! I'll be all right! Cartman: Eh! Stop pushing, Kenny. Gerald: Hello? [comes down a spiral staircase] I I'm sorry, I just really need some change for the bus? Bum 16: Change? Bum 17: Spare some change? Bum 18: Change? Gerald: Stop it! I really do need change! Bum 16: Me too. Change? Gerald: [outside the lab] Change? [knocks on the lab door] Hello? Do you have any change? Bum: [outside the lab] Chaaange? Homeless advisor: Sorry to take the easy way out. [takes a gun to his right temple and cocks it. An exterior view of his office is shown and a gunshot heard. Back inside, he's still standing, in pain. The bullet went out the left temple, but didn't kill him.] OW! OH, FUCK! OWW! [next he tries shooting through his jaw, and the bullet comes out through his right cheek.] OHHH! AH! GOD! [shoots through his jaw again, and the bullet goes out his right cheek again. This time he gargles and drops on all fours. He shoots through his right shoulder three times, but still lives. This time he takes the gun to his forehead and cocks the gun. The exterior view of his office is shown again and a gunshot is heard. Back inside, he's still alive. The bullet to the brain didn't kill him. This time he shoots at his heart twice, and that finally kills him. He writhes around for a few seconds and dies.] Scene Description: The South Park Community Center. There are so many homeless people now that it looks like a page out of "Where's Waldo?" There are now thirteen people on the roof, all asking for change. Randy: [rifling through a box] No. No, damn it! [faces the small group on the roof with him] That's it. That's it, everyone. We're out of Pop-Tarts. Jimbo: No. We can't be. Randy: Face it, we're gonna starve! Linda: No, no wait, there's still a box over here. Randy: Those are cherry! Ich! Head of Public Safety: [his cell phone rings and he rises] Wait, I got a signal! I got a signal. [dials a number] Gerald: What? You do? Randy: How? Call the fire department. Head of Public Safety: I'm calling my wife! [waits for her to pick up] Mary. Mary baby, are you all right? Linda: Oh, maybe we're gonna be okay. Stephen: Ask her what's happening. Head of Public Safety: Mary, what's goin' on out there? Nobody's coming for us. They what? No! That's impossible. But how can that be? We didn't even- [the phone cuts out] Hello? Mary. [tries to reconnect] Mary! Jimbo: What happened, Glen? Glen: [Head of Public Safety] There's no help coming! She said... because of all the homeless... because of all the homeless in South Park property values have plummeted. I had two liens against my house and so the bank is foreclosing! I don't have a home anymore. [Randy and the others are quiet for a moment, but Randy knows what he must do. He pumps his shotgun and aims at Glen.] Linda: Randy, what are you doing? Randy: He's homeless now. We aren't safe. Glen: I'm not like them. Randy: Not yet. It's only a matter of time. Linda: [tries dissuading Randy] And what are you gonna do, huh? Just blow his head off? Randy: If we have to! Siddown Glen! Glen: Randy, you can't just- Randy: SIT... doowwwnnnn! Scene Description: Another shot of the homeless on the street. Scene Description: Back to a shot of the roof. Glen is sitting under a blanket again. Glen: This is crazy. How can they just take away my house? Where am I supposed to put all my things? I don't have a place for all my stuff; where am I supposed to put all my stuff? I'll need to pay for storage. Can I borrow some- money to put my stuff in storage? Come on guys. If you all just help me out a little bit. Each one of you just put in a little... change? Change? [That's it. Randy fires at him and blows the upper half of his head off. Randy sighs heavily] Scene Description: A brilliant sunrise in the Rockies. Another shot reveals a ruined town - Evergreen. The four boys arrive and look at the destruction Stan: What the hell happened here? [three men in camouflage appear and aim their shotguns at them] Man 1: [wearing a white and blue bandana around his neck] That's far enough! Just march your butts right back out of our town! Stan: We, just came to ask a question. Man 2: You homeless or homeowners? Kyle: We're nine. Man 1: Yeah? Well that makes you homeless, so get out of here before you die! Stan: Look, we just need help with our own homeless problem. Cartman: Yeah. This Jew here made them take over our town. Kyle: Shut up, Cartman! Man 1: Cartman? Eric Cartman? The kid who jumped thirty homeless people on a skateboard? Cartman: Youu heard about that? Man 2: Heard about it? They said you could have easily cleared fifty homeless with that jump. Cartman: Thirty was hard enough. Kyle: Oh God! It wasn't thirty, it was one! He jumped over one homeless person with his stupid skateboard, and he barely made it over that guy! Stan: Kyle, knock it off! We're here to find out how to get rid of the homeless, not how many homeless Cartman can jump! Cartman: Please, we just want you to tell us how you got rid of the homeless in your town. Man 2: Well, that was easy. [the group moves to a clearing where the boys sit on a bench while the first man serves himself some coffee and begins explaining] Man 1: The homeless first started arriving in Evergreen about three months ago. At first there were only a few of them, askin' for change, sleeping in the parks. But then more showed up, and we realized there was somethin' different about them. They fed off of our change to the point that they could actually start renting apartments. We knew it wouldn't be long before the homeless actually started buying homes. And then we'd have no idea who was homeless and who wasn't! The people living in the house right next door to you could be homeless and you wouldn't even know! [sips] Nobody could trust anybody! Fights broke out. War! [Kyle notices something on the ground] That's when I started suspecting that [the something is a pamphlet that says "HAVEN FOR THE HOMELESS" on the front cover. He picks it up] my own wife, who I'd been living with for twenty years, was actually homeless. So I had to burn her. In her bed while she slept. [Kyle reads the pamphlet] After she died I vowed I wouldn't let the homeless destroy our town! So we came up with a plan to get rid of them once and for all. [Kyle opens the pamphlet and is met with these words: "HAVEN FOR THE HOMELESS. TRY SOUTH PARK."] Kyle: You son of a bitch. [gets off the bench and approaches the first man with the pamphlet] You didn't solve your homeless problem, you just sent all your homeless to South Park! [opens the pamphlet to show him] Man 1: That's right, yes. Stan: What? Kyle: I knew it! It wasn't because I gave that guy twenty dollars! The homeless all came from here! Man 1: And it was Texas who sent them to us! People in San Antonio got rid of their homeless by tellin' them what a great place Evergreen was! Stan: [getting off the bench] But then you didn't solve the problem, you just moved it! Man 1: Right. But we survived. Woman: [pops up out of nowhere, almost a skeleton] Dehhhnyihhhs! [she's armed with a rifle and ready to shoot] Dennis: [Man 1, turns around. The other two men look as well] Christine! Christine: You sonothatitch! You tried to kinn me! Dennis: I had to, Christine, you were homeless. Christine: No, I wasn't honeless yeh stukid asshole! Dennis: Christine, I can't understand you. Christine: Yeah! Gecause you durned my yits oth! Dennis: I nurned your rip sauce? Christine: No! You durned my yits oth! Dennis: I have no idea what you're saying! [Christine shoots him] Ow! [Dennis is dead. The third man kills Christine, who fires one final shot and hits the second man. The second man kills the third and dies moments later] Stan: Dude, our parents are just as stupid as these people, our town is gonna end up just like this! Kyle: [turns around] No it isn't. Come on, I have an idea. Stan: No no, we're not having Cartman jump any more homeless people, Kyle! Kyle: That isn't my idea! I saw a bus in a garage a couple of blocks back! We need to modify it! Kenny: (What are you gonna do?) Kyle: We're gonna save our parents before they all kill each other! Scene Description: Montage: the boys modify a bus. Stan works on the front fenders. Cartman works on brakes and accelerator. Kenny works on tightening the barbed wire running along the roof's edge. Kyle works on putting up a shield in front of the bus with a screw gun. Stan moves to the transmission. Cartman and Kenny reinforce the sides of the bus. Kyle works on the PA system. Scene Description: The community center roof. The refugees sit around. A bus horn is heard and the refugees rouse themselves. Randy looks out over the parking lot and sees the bus. The homeless clear a path for the bus Randy: A bus! A bus is coming! Jimbo: [seeing who's inside] It's the boys! They've modified a bus to get us out of here! Stephen: I knew they'd come back for us! Linda: All right! A Woman: Yeah. Randy: [props up Glen's corpse so it faces the bus] Look, Glen. We're saved. [the bus stops] Stan: All right, I'm turning around Stephen: Why are they turning? Randy: [drops the corpse] What are they doing? [the bus turns so the front end now faces away from the community center. Randy calls out] Don't leave us! Kyle: All right, hit it. Cartman: Let's hope to Christ this works. [prepares to press the red button. Music begins to play] Backup Singers: California Love[the homeless grow quiet] The Boys: California Cartman: Is nice to the homeless Californiania Supercool to the homeless The Boys: In the city Cartman: City of Santa Monica Lots of rich people giving change to the homeless Bum: [holds up his tin can] Chaaange? [the adults on the roof still have no idea what's going on] The Boys: In the city Kyle: City of Brentwood They take really good care of all their homeless Cartman: [to Stan] They're listening. Let's go! [a Destination Marquee is shown. Stan flips switch C on and presses a green button. The marquee changes from Denver to California] The Boys: In the city Cartman: Marina del Rey They're so nice to the homeless built them port-a-potties Stephen: They're... they're leading them away! Jimbo: We're gonna be all right! Randy: [props the corpse up once again] Oh Glen! We made it! Cartman: CaliforniaSupercool to the homeless Scene Description: A highway, day. The boys take the homeless westward. Gerald: Cha-a-ange? Cartman: CalifornianiaNa na orn nea Scene Description: Santa Monica Pier. The bus passes it going south - towards Venice Beach. The homeless follow The Boys: In the city Scene Description: Venice Beach. The homeless head right in and make themselves at home Cartman: City of Venice Right by Matt's house You can chill if you're homeless. [the music stops. Three homeless men sleep on the Strand and Cartman sails over them, landing on the third man and skating away] Bum: Eughuhuh. Cartman: [jumps off his skateboard, throws down his helmet and exults] Yes! That's three homeless! Suck on that! Fuck yeah! [faces his friends and the bums] Stan: Honestly, I don't know what you see in this, Kyle.

Scene Description: Toy Safari, day. Shoppers walk by, enter, leave, browse, etc. Inside, in Aisle 3: Action Figures. Cartman browses one set of shelves. Another boy is shown behind him, browsing the facing shelves. Cartman: [picks out a figure] Big Ring Slammer. Comes with posable neck-smash grip. [moves the package around with his left hand and strokes his chin with his right] That's pretty kewl. Let's see... Boy: Cock! [Cartman is startled.] Cartman: [puts the Slammer back on the rack and selects another figure.] The Black Jackal. Karate Kick Panel Force and bendable neck- Boy: Asshole! Cock! Asshole, shit, shit cock! [his neck and face get taut as he blurts this out] Clerk: [nearby] Ma'am, is that your son over there? Mom: Yes, I'm sorry. My son has Tourette's Syndrome. Clerk: Tourette's Syndrome? Mom: It's a neurological disorder. He-he can't control what he says. Clerk: Oh... Boy: [turns his head hard to the left, his eyes shut] Shiit! [turns his head back to face forward] Dumb shiiit! Mom: [goes to take her son home] A-alright Thomas, maybe we should go? Thomas: All right Mom- Bitch! Ass bitch! Mom: Here, let's buy you a nice toy to take home. [selects a figure and hands it to Thomas, who walks away with her, smiling. Cartman watches as they leave] Cartman: [turns around and walks off, saying softly] Dude, that mom is kewl. [he arrives at the checkout line with his action figure] Thomas: [stands in line behind Cartman] Cocknut! Augh... Stupid shit! Cartman: [turns around and glares at Thomas] Are you talkin' to me?! Thomas: No. Cocknose! Cartman: What's your problem, kid?! Mom: Oh, a-I'm sorry. [Thomas backs away a bit] My... son Thomas has Tourette's Syndrome. [a crowd begins to gather around them] Cartman: What? Thomas: Mom, let's just go. Shhhit! Mom: People with Tourette's can't control certain tics. It's it's like a sneeze. Thomas: Asshole ASSHOLE. Cartman: [waves his arms around] Wait waitwait whoa whoa whoa. You're telling me there's an illness that makes you blurt out obscenities? Thomas: Mom, can we just go home, please? Mom: It's okay, Thomas. They understand. Thomas: I want tuh go! [throws down his action figure and walks off, his hands over his mouth] Shitfag! Man 1: Poor kid. Clerk: Yeah. Cartman: [turns around and faces the crowd] All right, hold on just a second here: Are you telling me that if you have this Tourette's Syndrome you can say whatever you want, all the time, and never get in trouble? Clerk: It's a neurological disorder; he can't help it. Man 1: Yeah! [Cartman blinks - CHING! He begins to think: "I've got a golden ticket... I've got a golden"] Cartman: Twinkle in my eye. [turns and heads for the entrance] haha. HahaHAAhahahaha. [throws his action figure into the air and runs out the door] Clerk: Hey don't you wanna buy that toy? Cartman: I don't need the toy! I've found something better! [dances away] 'Cause I've got a golden ticket! I've got a golden chance to make my way! Scene Description: Colorado Neurology Center, some days later. A doctor checks Cartman out as Liane watches Liane: It started about four days ago, Doctor, and every day he seems to get worse. Cartman: Puh- pussy! Liane: Oh... Cartman: Pussy! Cock! Shit! [covers his mouth in faking embarrassment] Liane: Oh dear... I was checking out the Internet and ih, it almost seems like his symptoms are like those in something called "Tour, Tourette's Syndrome"? Cartman: Tourette's Syndrome? What is that, Mommy. Butthole! Titties! Balls! [covers his mouth immediately] Doctor: That doesn't seem likely. Tourette's is a hereditary disease; it doesn't just suddenly start. Cartman: ...Cocksucker! Doctor: [begins to think and walks off a bit] ...On the other hand, Tourette's does often develop later in a child's life, getting progressively worse. Cartman: Oh wuh, well that's it! Shithead! Asshole! Mexican sticky balls! Liane: Oh Doctor, can you help him? Doctor: [turns around and walks back to them] We don't know very much about Tourette's I'm afraid. But we will give your son all the help we can. Cartman: But what about school, Doctor? The teachers and the principal, they won't understand that I can't control what I say. Doctor: Don't worry, young man. We'll make sure everyone understands your disease and gives you the compassion you deserve. Cartman: Ohohh, that's awesome. Thank you. Faggot! [gives him a mischievous look] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Cartman walks into view as the kids are at their lockers Cartman: Shit! Butthole! [walks up to Wendy] Hey Wendy. DUMB BITCH! Uh, sorry. [smiles and moves on] Titties! Cock! [he's relishing this. He points to a redhead] Ginger retard! Asslicker dickface! Kyle: Dude, you'd better watch it. The principal's right over there. [she walks up to them] Cartman: Uh, Good morning, Principal Victoria. Shitballs! Principal Victoria: Good morning, Eric. [turns right and walks away. Cartman walks off in the opposite direction] Kyle: Did Cartman just say "shitballs" to the principal? Butters: Huhyou didn't hear? Well Cartman has some, mental disease called Tourette's Syndrome or somethin'. Kyle: What? Craig: [in admiration] He's the luckiest kid in the world. If I could say "shitballs" to the principal I'd be sooo happy. Cartman: [deciding to explain things. Mr. Mackey is in the background] Uh excuse me, excuse me everyone I, I guess you might have noticed my awkward tics. Asshole! Pussy asshole! [the other kids lean away] Ach, augh, I just want you to know that I can't control it. Principal Victoria: It's okay, Eric. We all understand and we think you're very brave. Kyle: [after some thought, points and says] He's faking. Cartman: [his thunder is stolen and he covers for it] Ahahahaha, ayah- Excuse me everyone, I need to have a moment alone with my good friend Kyle? [walks to Kyle] Asscheeks! [hauls Kyle off to a clearing] Kyle, apparently you missed the school assembly yesterday, but I've been diagnosed with a very serious mental condition. Kyle: You do not have Tourette's Syndrome, fatass! Cartman: ...Oh, okay, you figured me out. [claps] Bravo, Kyle, bravo. Don't you see how awesome this is? It's like, a magic cloak that makes me impervious to getting in trouble. Kyle: Who cares about saying whatever you-? Cartman: Of course, if you want to be Sergeant Buzzkill once again, and spoil my fun because you're jealous you didn't think of it first, well go right ahead, Kyle. Kyle: Grrhh, whatever. [walks off in a huff. Mr. Mackey walks by] Cartman: Good morning, Mr. Mackey. Asspussy! [Mr. Mackey does nothing but walk away] Craig: If I could say "asspussy" to the counselor I would be sooo happy. Scene Description: Mrs. Garrison's class, later. Mrs. Garrison writes a math problem on the board: (-7)X(-2) Mrs. Garrison: Okay, so what do we get when we multiply a negative number-? Cartman: Dicktits! Mrs. Garrison: [glances back at Cartman, then finishes writing] -when we multiply a negative number by another negative-? Cartman: Shit! Asshole! [Mrs. Garrison looks at Cartman with a bit of shock, then turns to the board.] 'Scuse me. [Cartman smiles] Mrs. Garrison: Ih if we apply what we've just learned, we see that all negatives can- Cartman: Spooge, balls, bloody... vaginal... belch! [the class laughs. Cartman pretends to be hurt] You guys, don't laugh. It makes me feel insecure about my illness. Mrs. Garrison: [facing the class] All right kids, let's just try to focus on learning, okay? [turns to the board] Now all you need to remember here is that negative numbers Cartman: Tampon! Tampon DICKshit! Kyle: Will you knock it off already?! Cartman: Kyle, don't you think I wish I could? I'd give anything to be normal like you. KIKE. Kyle: Don't push me, asshole! Mrs. Garrison: Kyle, watch your language! [Cartman lets out a hearty laugh] Craig: [getting miserable] If I could yell "tampon dickshit" in the classroom I'd be sooo happy. Scene Description: The principal's office, later. Mrs. Garrison is inside talking with her. Mrs. Garrison: Principal Victoria, it's just that Eric has become such a distraction I, I don't think I can teach my class anymore. Principal Victoria: I understand it's been difficult, Mrs. Garrison, and so, Mr. Donaldson has come from the Tourette's Tolerance and Understanding Foundation. [Mr. Donaldson walks into view] Mr. Donaldson: Hello Mrs. Garrison- [turns his head to the left] Ass. ASS. [recovers] I want to help your class better understand this illness. [turns his head to the left] Piss! Kyle: [walks into the office, with Cartman following] No! Up yours, fatboy! Cartman: Kyle please! I'm sorry! Kyle: Principal Victoria, there's something you need to know! Cartman's Tourette's isn't real! He's faking! Mr. Donaldson: Faking? [Kyle is sure he's got Cartman on the hook] You think people with Tourette's are faking?! Kyle: [his certainty gone] N-no, I'm just saying that I think- Mr. Donaldson: Do you have any idea how horrible that is to say? [turns his head to the left] Ass! ASS! [recovers] We aren't "faking", young man. Trust me, nobody wants this illness, ass. [turns his head to the left] PISS! PIIISS! Cartman: That's right, Kyle. [turns his head to the left, where Kyle happens to be] Crap-filled vagina! Mr. Donaldson: This is the kind of intolerance you teach at this school, Principal Victoria?! Principal Victoria: No. Mr. Donaldson: This if you wouldn't mind, I'd like to take this "bully" to see that Tourette's is very real. [turns his head to the left] Piiiss. Scene Description: The Children's Therapy Center, day. Mr. Donaldson is seated with seven kids on chairs in a circle in the middle of the room. Two of them are Thomas and Kyle. Mr. Donaldson: Kids, today during therapy class we have a special visitor. [turns his head to the right, where Kyle happens to be. Kyle jumps in his chair] ASS! [recovers and clears his throat] I, I wanted him to meet all of you so he could try to understand Tourette's Teen Boy: Tourette's is like a cough or a sneeze. [shakes his head quickly] Brrrrr! [recovers] It isn't contagious like some people think. [shakes his head quickly] Brrrrrrrrr! Blonde Girl: A lot of people with Tourette's have different tics. My tic [leans her head to the left, straightens it out, and snaps her fingers] is that I have to bend my neck and snap my fingers. But a lot of people don't even notice it. [leans her head to the left, straightens it out, and snaps her fingers] Thomas: [turns his head to the right] Aw shit! COCK! Brunette: Sometimes it can be embarrassing to have Tourette's, but I- [blinks and bobs her head] Boop. I've learned I shouldn't be mad at myself. Mr. Donaldson: You see? These kids can't control their actions. Ass! Piss in the ass! Kyle: L-look, I was just suggesting that maybe this one person could control what he said, but just didn't, for fun. Teen Boy: Fun? [shakes his head quickly] Brrrrr! [recovers] This really isn't all that fun. [shakes his head quickly] Brrr, brrrrrr! Thomas: Aw shit! Brunette: [blinks and bobs her head] Boop. [The blonde girl leans her head to the left, straightens it out, and snaps her fingers] Mr. Donaldson: [turns his head to the left] Piiiss, coming from my aaass! Thomas: Yee-you wanna know about fun? Going to public places knowing you're going to make a fool of yourself. Embarrass your parents [turns his head to the right] Aw shit! [recovers] My dad... finally couldn't take it anymore. He... divorced my mom, s-said he'd still be around, but I only see him at Christmastime now. S-sh-shit! S-sh-shit! The worst part is I know how lonely my mom is. A lot of times I know she'd be better off if I was dead. Kyle: Dude... Mr. Donaldson: Your mom would not be better off if you were dead, Thomas. Even if people like Kyle here think so. Kyle: Aw, come on! Mr. Donaldson: So then you apologize for what you said before? Kyle: Ah, I was just trying to... just, just in one instance... [the others stare at him] No. No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. [The blonde girl leans her head to the left, straightens it out, and snaps her fingers] Scene Description: The Children's Therapy Center, outside. Mr. Donaldson takes Kyle to his waiting parents as the other kids look on. Mr. Donaldson: Well, Mr. and Ms. Broflovski, I think your son has learned a lot, and he appears to be honestly remorseful for making fun of people with disabilities. [turns his head to the left] Piss! PISS! Sheila: Our son is a good kid. He just didn't understand Tourette's was a real disease. Mr. Donaldson: Well, I think the only thing left now is for your son to apologize to his little classmate. [Cartman walks into view and bats his eyes at Kyle sweetly. Kyle does not appreciate this] Gerald: Well Kyle? Kyle: [grudgingly] I'm sorry. Cartman: Oh, what was that? I I couldn't quite make that out, Kyle. Kyle: [grudgingly, louder] I'm sorry. Cartman: You're starry? I I don't get what you mean by that, Kyle. You're starry because uh I don't want it? Kyle: I said I'm sorry, you piece of sh- [stops himself] Cartman: Oh, oh, no, don't worry about it, Kyle. Now I understand. I've learned to deal with intolerance. Dumbshit douche bag! And it means a lot that you're standing here apologizing with your dad and lovely mother. [looks at Gerald and Sheila] Fag Jew! Jew bitch! Sheila: Oh, thank you Eric. Cartman: Thank you. Big-nosed kike! [Sheila laughs nervously] Mr. Donaldson: Well I think we can all put this behind us now. [turns his head to the left] Piiiss out my aaass! Cartman: Yeah. Piss out your ass right onto Kyle's mom's fat fucking Jew face! [thumps his chest and clears his throat] Oh goodness, 'scuse me. Jeez, that was a bad one. [starts to walk away] Well, gotta run, everybody. Got some big things in the works. [stops to whisper to Thomas] Isn't having Tourette's awesome? [leaves] Scene Description: A Dateline commercial. Dateline graphics come up Announcer: Next week on Dateline NBC: it's a Dateline special report. Hansen: I'm Chris Hansen. You probably know me from To Catch A Predator, where we bust men looking for sex with children. Scene Description: a clip from that show Hansen: Go ahead and take a seat. Take a seat right over there. Predator: Oh God, whoa, no. Hansen: What are you doin' here? Predator: I'm just bein' stupid, I guess. Scene Description: return to the current show, with graphics indicating the change of focus from pedophiles to Tourette's Hansen: But now we're switching our focus from pedophiles to Tourette's Syndrome. It all started when I received this touching letter from a brave little boy in Colorado. Cartman: [doing a voice-over] Dear Mr. Hansen, I have Tourettes and I want the world to understand what it's like. Won't you do a special report on me so that the world can learn to ACCEPT us instead of just laugh? Donkey Boner!!! Eric Cartman [he doesn't say his name] Hansen: This Saturday on Dateline I'll be bringing you Eric's story, live and uncensored, from his home in Colorado. Announcer: Living with Tourette's: The Eric Cartman Story. This Saturday on Dateline NBC. Cartman: [adding to the commercial] Finally, my wish of going public with my illness can come true. [jumps at the camera] Goddamn Jews! Suck my ass barf! [jumps back in shock, covers his mouth, then smiles at the camera sweetly, bending his head to the right] Scene Description: A sleepy night, Cartman's house. Scene Description: Cartman's room. Cartman makes himself a drink, adult-style: He has two liquor bottles, a bucket of ice, and two wine glasses. Why two? Hm... He serves himself some ice. A few seconds later, Kyle enters his room and slams the door shut Cartman: Hello, Kyle. Dickhead! Kyle: What's this about you going on live television on Saturday?! Cartman: [serves himself some liquid] Yes. It's all finally come to fruition. [gently swirls the ice around] The final cog in my... master plan. [turns around to face Kyle] This Saturday I will go on national television, live. I will say ...horrible things on the air. [turns back and prepares a drink for Kyle] Despicable things. And people will call me brave. Kyle: Cartman, there are people in the world who really have Tourette's Syndrome. This isn't funny! Cartman: [takes the drink to Kyle] Not funny? I have free rein to say anything I want and you get into trouble if you try and stop me. Care for a Scotch? Kyle: ...Scotch? Cartman: [quickly gives him the drink in triumph] Kyle I've won! No matter how you look at it! I've managed not only to get away with saying whatever I want at school, on the bus, at the dinner table, but this Saturday I will actually say anything I want... on national television. I'm going to blast the Jews, Kyle. I'm going to call them every name in the book, and people will call it brilliant television. They'll probably give me an Emmy. Kyle: You are not going to go on national television and spew a bunch of hate speech about Jewish people! I won't let you do it, Cartman! Cartman: Then the game is on, Kyle. Kyle: It's not a game, you derelict! And this isn't Scotch! It's apple juice! [Cartman looks at his drink] Cartman: [walks back to make another "Scotch"] Do you have any idea how liberating it is to say whatever comes to mind? "Big titties! Buttmunch!" There's no walls anymore! "Shit!" Whatever enters my brain I can just say without thinking about it. "I wet my bed last night." [realizes what just happened] Kyle: What did you say? Cartman: Uhh nuh-nothing... Kyle: You aren't gonna get away with this you stupid asshole! [runs out of the room and slams the door] Cartman: Hm. That was... weird. Scene Description: Whistlin' Willy's Pizza Gultch, day. Inside, a crowd has gathered to watch this Dateline special. A banner hanging from the ceiling says "WE'RE PROUD OF YOU ERIC!" On a low stage are Mr. Mackey, Liane Cartman and Eric, Mr. Donaldson, and Principal Victoria Mr. Donaldson: We are here today to congratulate a brave little boy. Tonight, Eric Cartman will go on television and become the spokesman for Tourette's Syndrome. [turns his head to the left] Piiiss out my aaass! [applause rises from the crowd] Thomas: The spokesman for Tourette's? Oh no... [turns his head to the right] Cock! Cartman: [Mr. Donaldson adjusts the mic to his height] Thanks, everybody. Suck my balls! [applause rises from the crowd] You've all been so understanding and supportive of my illness. Jizz farmer dick sneeze. And it is because of you... that I have the courage to go on national television tonight. Titty sprinkles. [applause rises from the crowd] Craig: If I could say "titty sprinkles" on national television I would be sooo happy. Cartman: And I also just want to say that... I'm making this all up! [startled by his own words, then covers his mouth as the crowd falls silent.] Uh, I... I...'m making this all up to you, for putting up with my mental disorder. I cry at night because I don't have a dad. [turns away from the mic and mumbles] What the hell is going on? Mr. Mackey: Uhit's okay, Eric. We understand your illness, m'kay? Cartman: No hey ut what, what I meant to say was "asslicker cumballs." And uhh, [helplessly] I'm secretly in love with Patty Nelson. I fantasize about kissing Patty Nelson! [covers his mouth] Patty: Eewwww! Cartman: [clambors offstage] Uhuh, excuse me I, I need a toilet! Bathroom! Bathroom! [runs through the crowd] Scene Description: The mens room. Cartman runs in and heads for the sink. Butters is pissing at the urinal and his pants are at his ankles. Cartman washes his face. Butters: [does a double take and smiles] Uh hey Eric! Cartman: [finishes up and looks at Butters] Butters, do you think it's possible that you can lose the ability to filter what you say? I mean, if somebody got used to saying whatever came to their mind, could they start saying things that they would normally never say? Butters: Wuh who are you talking about? Cartman: Uh, my cousin. My cousin one time my cousin and I touched wieners. [he covers his mouth in horror as Butters is stunned] Wah! [faces Butters] Butters: You... you and your cousin touched wieners? Cartman: I didn't say that YES I DID BUT WHY? Oh! Stop it! [runs out of the restroom] Scene Description: The dining area. Cartman runs through the crowd Cartman: Excuse me! Excuse me, I need to go! I gotta run! Liane: Is there a problem, sweetie? Cartman: [turns around and faces her] No, no problem. I just need to- my cousin and I touched each other's [struggles to keep control] AAAA no, NAAAA! [he's got the crowd's attention] I just... no I... I just want to thank everyone for coming- my cousin and I touched wiener- we wiener we, weenter! Winter is a cold time of year. [now composed] Ah, I need to be going now. Mr. Mackey: Well all right Eric. Well good luck on Dateline tonight. Cartman: [apprehensive] Dateline. Right. [backs away but can't control his statements] I wet my b-AAA! I touched my cousin's WEE-NUH! This sure has been fun! G'bye! [runs out the door screaming with his hands firmly over his mouth] Scene Description: KSPC Channel 4, an HBC affiliate, day. In his own office, Hansen rehearses his lines as the staff listens. A cameraman preps his camera Hansen: Tonight, an inside look at Tourette's Syndrooome. I'm Chris Hansen. Mmh. I'm Chris Hansen. Cartman: [rushes onto the set] Ah, Mr. Hansen? I'm afraid I can't do the show. Hansen: Why not? Cartman: My uh, my grandma just died, so I have to go to Memphis- That's not true. My grandma's fine. Hansen: [rolls up his notes and motions Cartman to a stool] Why don't you have a seat? Cartman: No I just need to get home. I'm not doin' the show. Hansen: Go ahead and take a seat. Cartman: [heads for the door] But I'm not gonna do the- Hansen: Take a seat, right over there. [Cartman backs up and sits on the stool, then puts his cap on the bar] What are you doing here? Cartman: I'm, I'm telling you that I'm not doing the show? Hansen: But you are doing the show. Cartman: You don't understand! All of a sudden, I can't control what I say. Hansen: Well of course you can't control what you say. You have Tourehhtte's. Cartman: No! My Tourette's has gotten worse! Before I just blurted out cool stuff about Jews being lame and stuff. But now it's gotten really bad. [gets his cap and puts it on] So ah I'm sorry, but I'm not doin' the show, that's it. Goodbye. [hops off the stool and walks away] Hansen: Why don't you take a seat? Cartman: Oh, I don't wanna take a seat! Hansen: Have a seat. Cartman: [begins backing up] No, I'm just gonna go- [wonders how this is happening] Hansen: Take a seat, right over there. Cartman: [gets back on the stool and whispers to himself] How does he do that? Hansen: You know, one tiiime, I was doin' a show called "To Catch A Predator". We almost caught this pedophile, but then he raaan from us 'cause he didn't wanna be on Dateline. Se we tracked him down to his hoouuse. And you know what he did? He shot himself. [Cartman is scared] It'd be a shame if... you didn't wanna go on Dateline. Be a shame if we had to track you down and you "shot yourself". [Cartman is more scared, and a series of expressions cross his face] Scene Description: The program begins: "Dateline \living with tourette's syndrome." Announcer: Live, from our satellite studio in Colorado. This! ...is Dateline. Hansen: Tonight, an inside look at Tourette's Syndrome. I'm [stretches his name out so it sounds like nails on a chalkboard] Chris Hansen. In a few minutes, you will meet little Eric Cartman, who wants the world to understand his affliction. Scene Description: The green room. Cartman paces back and forth. Someone knocks on the door A Page: Five minutes, kid. Cartman: Jesus Christ. How did I get myself into this? [walks to a nearby table and begins to pray] God? Please uh, I know I screwed up. I should have never pretended to have Tourette's Syndrome, but see, ah I get it now. You can't just walk around saying whatever you want. You gave us a filter because, people don't wanna hear things like "I touched penises with my cousin!" [covers his mouth quickly] Ahaab, ahaabuh. And, and I learned, you especially can't say whatever you want on national television, 'cause, there could be kids watching. Please, God, don't make me embarrass myself on national television. You... must see how this is all somewhat your fault, right? Please, I need a miracle. Scene Description: KSPC Channel 4, outside, night, moments after the program began. Kyle jumps into view wearing dark camouflage and a headset at the parking lot entrance Kyle: Tango, this is Foxtrot. Are you in position? Thomas: [using a walkie talkie] Copy Foxtrot. Tango in position. Awww shit! Kyle: You sure you don't wanna back out? Thomas: Nono, you were right. The fat kid is faking it! If he goes on TV, more people will think that having Tourette's is fun. Asshole shit! Kyle: All right, then we go with the plan. Just like "To Catch A Predator". [a light brown car pulls in] The first guy is here. This is probably HotForBoys219. [the car stops and Thomas looks around] HotForBoys219: [walks up to Thomas] Hi, are you CuteBilly182? Thomas: Yeah. I was chatting with you online. SHIT! HotForBoys219: [shaking with excitement] Oh God, I'm so turned on right now. This is your house? Your, your parents aren't home, are they? Thomas: N-no, it's cool. Go on inside. I made brownies. SHIT! I'm just gonna slip into something more comf'table. COCK! HotForBoys219: [dances by] Okay. Cock! Don't take too long. [laughs and prances into the studio] Scene Description: The studio set. The opening segment is finished. Hansen: So now let's meet a child who haaas Tourette's Syndrooome, and who must fi- [the audience doors open and HotForBoys219 prances down the aisle laughing] HotForBoys219: Ho, whoa, wait a minute. This ain't no house. Hansen: [stands up angrily] What are you doing?! HotForBoys219: [gasps and hides his face] Chris Hansen?! Oh no, it's a setup! I knew it! Hansen: Sir, why don't you take a seat, right over there. HotForBoys219: Now everyone's gonna know I'm a perv! Whoa! [takes out a gun and shoots himself in the head. Nearby audience members move away, and the audience gets restless] Hansen: Aw, not again. Scene Description: The green room. Cartman paces back and forth. The door opens and Kyle walks in Cartman: Kyle? Kyle: Surprise, fatass! Cartman: Kyle, what are you doing? Kyle: I went online posing as a boy who would have sex with older men, and told them to meet me here. My plan worked perfectly! [car horns blare outside, and Kyle goes to take a look. The parking lot quickly fills up as drivers park and leave their cars.] Whoa. Scene Description: Outside. Thomas sees the pedophiles coming and motions them into the studio Pedo 2: [walks up to Thomas and waves a Wendy's bag in front of him] Hey, I brought you some Wendy's. Thomas: Yeah yeah, go on in. There's a hot tub inside. STUPID SHIT! Pedo 2: Score! [goes inside] Scene Description: The studio set. The driver stops in his tracks Pedo 2: Oh no, it's Chris Hansen! [drops his meal and shoots himself] Audience Members: Whoa! Who is that? What's going on? Hansen: What the hell is going on?! Pedo 3: Wait a minute. Oh God, it's Chris Hansen! [shoots himself] Pedo 4: Chris Hansen! [shoots himself] Pedo 5: Dateline?! [shoots himself] Pedo 6: I knew it! [shoots himself] Pedo 7: There aren't really brownies! [shoots himself. More pedophiles enter and kill themselves, and the audience begins rushing out of the studio] Scene Description: Outside. Chris Hansen finds Thomas. Hansen: Hey! Do you have something to do with this? Answer meee! Thomas: Stupid shit! Cock! [more audience members rush by] Hansen: What?! Nobody talks to me like that! Why don't you take a seat? Take a seat, right over there. Thomas: Suck it! Asshole licker dickfart! Hansen: Why, you lil- I'll, I'll tell on you! [leaves, and there are no other adults left] Craig: [walks up to Thomas] Wow, you're the coolest kid in the world. If I could call Chris Hansen an asshole-licking dickfart to his face, I would be sooo happy. Thomas: You would? Craig: Could I just like, hang out with you sometime? Like, do your laundry maybe? Scene Description: The studio set. It's dim, and Cartman and Kyle walk onto the set. Kyle: [feeling triumphant] Take a look, fatass! I beat you! You aren't going on Dateline; what have you got to say now?! [Cartman is silent for a moment, then hugs Kyle and sobs. Kyle wasn't expecting this] Cartman: Oh thank you! Thank you Kyle! Kyle: What? Cartman: I asked God to send someone to help me, and you came, Kyle! I love you man! Kyle: No, I- I beat you! Cartman: You totally saved my ass, Kyle. You must... really care about me. See you Kyle! I gotta get to a psychiatrist and learn to control what I say! [heads up the aisle and out of the studio] I got a golden ticket! Thanks to Kyle! I got a golden twinkle in my eye! [Kyle is alone on set, but Thomas comes up and stands next to him] Thomas, Kyle: Aww shit!

Scene Description: Hell's Pass hospital, a patient's room. Randy is sitting on a bed as Dr. Doctor checks his vitals. Randy lets out a sigh of pain. Dr. Doctor: Well, there's no doubt in my mind, Mr. Marsh. You are constipated. [walks over to a table] Randy: [quite aware] Thanks for the news flash! I haven't taken a crap in over three weeks! The question is why?! Dr. Doctor: Well, what food have you been eating? Randy: P.F. Chang's, mostly. [rubs his belly] Good stuff. Dr. Doctor: I'm going to prescribe a laxative. [writes out the prescription and turns around] But I must warn you: when you do finally pass this stool, it might be very painful. Randy: How painful is "painful"? Scene Description: The Marsh house, night. Randy is in the bathroom trying to crap. He strains and groans for a good long while. Scene Description: an Emmy Award statue floats up into view, and a banner saying "EMMY AWARD WINNING SERIES" shimmers after. Randy: Oh God. Oh, here it comes. [he goes for the final push, which has him pushing himself off the toilet seat by his hands several times. A few seconds later, the banner and award disappear] Whoa, hot! Hot hot! Whoaaa hot hot hot hot hot! [a view from the street. Randy's moans can be heard as he can be seen moving about] Whoa, whoaaa! Whoa hot! Hot hot hothothothot hot hot! [back in the bathroom. The stool finally comes out] Dohhhhhhhhhh! Oooh! Oohoo. [begins to sob from relief] Ohhh, it's over. It's over. [reaches for the toilet paper to wipe his ass clean] Oh God. [puts his briefs and pants back up in place] I feel so much better. Oh. [a view from within the toilet: Randy turns around to flush, but stops, looks down, and crouches down for a better look] Wow... That... is huge. That has got to be the biggest crap I've ever taken. He-... Hey Sharon. Sharon you gotta come see this. Sha-Sharon? Sharon: [opens the door and enters] What is it, Randy? Do you have any- [looks in the toilet] OH! [squeezes her eyes closed and covers them with her right arm] Randy! Randy: Will you look at that? Is that the biggest crap you've ever seen or what? Sharon: [a view from behind the toilet] Flush the toilet for Christ's sake! Randy: Come on! That's pretty impressive! [Stan wanders in from the hall, and Randy calls him] Wha-hey Stan! Stan, look at this. [Stan walks closer to the toilet] Sharon: Randy! Randy: [on bended knee next to Stan] Look what your old man made. Stan: No way! Randy: Huh? Never seen one that big, have you? Stan: No, never. [Shelly wanders in and looks in the toilet] Shelly: Gross, Dad, sick! [turns around quick and leaves] Sharon: All right, will you flush the toilet now?! [crosses her arms] Randy: [rises and leans over to flush the toilet. Stan steps out of he way] I'll try, but I don't think- [stand straight again] wait wait wait wait a minute. I gotta call Jimbo first. Sharon: Why?! Randy: Well he's gotta see this. Sharon: No, we are flushing the toilet right now- Randy: [turns around and blocks any access to the toilet] No! Jimbo has to see it so when I tell the guys how big it was, they'll know I'm not lying! Sharon: Oh, for the love of God, Randy! [turns left and leaves] Randy: Sharon, this is important! Stan, go call your Uncle Jimbo. I'm gonna stand guard. [spreads his left and hunches down in a defensive position] Scene Description: Skeeter's Bar and Cocktails, night. It's open and the sound of men laughing is heard. Inside, the town's men are gathered for Happy Hour. Randy enters the bar Randy: Hey guys! Gerald: Hey Randy. Stephen: Oh, hey Randy. Stuart: Are you feelin' better? Randy: Yeah, I-naw, I'm totally fine now. Jimbo: You guys shoulda seen the crap Randy took last night! It was honestly, the biggest crap anyone has ever taken. Ever. Randy: [being modest] Well I don't know about ever... Randy: I'm tellin' you this thing was the size of a freakin' football. Randy: [being modest] I guess it was pretty big. Stuart: A football? That's amazing. Stephen: I've never heard of one that big. Gerald: [chuckles] Oh, my brother took a crap once, that was enormous. It was the biggest in the history of the world, I think. [laughs. The other guys laugh, but Randy shuts up and looks around] Randy: [softly] It wasn't bigger than mine was. Gerald: Oh no, seriously, this crap was a monster! [laughs. The other guys join in] Randy: [softly] Mine... mine was bigger. Gerald: I doubt it. [snicker] Randy: [looks around] You wanna see it? Scene Description: Randy's study, later. Randy leads the other men in towards a covered display case. Present are Jimbo, Gerald, Skeeter, Stephen and Stuart. Randy takes off the wraps and steps back so the other guys could behold the greatness that is Randy's crap. Stuart: Oh my freaking Lord. Skeeter: That did not seriously come out of your ass. Randy: Oh yes, it did. Go ahead and check it for splits. It's one solid piece. Gerald: Jesus... Randy: [feeling vindicated] That uh, a little bigger than your brother's there, Gerald? Gerald: It's... other-worldly. Stephen: Randy, have you called the people from the Guinness Book of World Records? I mean, this might seriously be the biggest crap in history! Randy: [gets out a spray can of water] That's why I gotta make sure to keep it safe. [spritzes the poop so it doesn't dry up and crack apart under the two lights it's under] Sharon: [at the doorway] Randy Marsh! Randy: [quickly hides everything under the wraps] Aw crap! Sharon: What the hell do you think you're doing keeping that thing in our house?! Randy: The guys agree, Sharon: it could be a record holder. Sharon: Why are men so obsessed with how big their crap is?! Scene Description: Guinness Book of World Records, corporate office, day. In the secretary pool, a secretary picks up a phone Secretary: Guinness World Records America. How can I help you? [listens while typing with the right hand, then stops altogether] The biggest crap? We actually don't keep track of that record, sir. [listens] Because we don't want to. [listens] Look, we get calls from men all the time who believe they took the biggest crap, and we simply can't handle all the measuring and verification. [listens] You need to call the European Fecal Standards and Measurements Office in Zurich. [listens] You're welcome. [hangs up and resumes typing] Jeez, another one. [the phone rings again and she picks up] Guinness World Records America. Randy: [gets through. The other guys stand by the sofa] Uhh yes, hello. My name is Randy Marsh, and I believe I took the world's biggest crap. [holds a thumbs up. The other guys do as well] Secretary: [long sigh, then flatly] You need to call the European Fecal Standards and Measurements Office in Zurich. Their number is listed on their Web site. Scene Description: European Fecal Standards and Measurements Office, Zurich, day. Majestic music plays. Inside, a woman and several men in judge's robes walk around chatting with other officials Chubby Official: [hands a manila envelope to a balding gray-haired man] Herr President, take a look at this. [the president opens the envelope and looks at a picture within it] It is a crap sent to us from the United States. EFSM President: Very niiice. [it's a picture of Randy measuring the crap with a measuring tape and grinning at the camera] Has it been checked for accuracy? Chubby Official: It appears to be legitimate, based on the photo. We estimate that the crap is over eight and a half Courics! EFSM President: [serious] We'd better get on a plane. Right away. [smiles] Scene Description: Randy's study, some days later. Three representatives of the EFSM Office are inside inspecting the crap as Randy watches on, and sniffing from time to time. EFSM President: Hm, enshnusen? Chubby Official: Verron snusunarich. EFSM President: What was your primary diet for this poo, Mr. Marsh? Randy: Uhh, mostly P.F. Chang's. General Tso's Chicken... Oh and uh, and a lot of uh Aunt Jemima's Frozen Sausage Biscuits in the morning. Chubby Official: I believe I detect some cabbage as well? Randy: Ohh yes, I had a lot of kim chee. Sharon: [at the doorway] You have got to be kidding me. Randy: [turns around and marches towards her] These guys are from Zurich, Sharon! They're Europeans! [the EFSM President joins Randy] EFSM President: It is a tremendous crap, Mr. Marsh. Sharon: For the love of God! EFSM President: Your crap officially weighs... 8.6 Courics Randy: Courics... Chubby Official: The standard measuring unit for human feces. One Katie Couric is approximately two and a half pounds of excrement. EFSM President: The current record is a crap weighing 7.5 Courics. Randy: But that means... Third Official: That's right. You are the new world's champion! Randy: Really?! Yuh, you mean, REALLY?! [jumps for joy] Hey Stan! I uh- Hey Sharon! Hey everybody! [walks off] EFSM President: Well, I guess we'd better call the old champion and let him know his record has just been broken. Scene Description: An awards ceremony. M. C.: He has won twenty-two Grammy's, countless humanitarian awards, and is the only person ever to be nominated for an Academy Award, a Golden Globe, and the Nobel Peace Prize. Ladies and gentlemen, Bono! [fanfare goes up amid applause. Bono rises from his seat on stage and struts over to the mic. He grabs the award from the M.C., kisses his left index and middle fingers, and throws the kiss off to the audience] Bono: [wearing a fancy straw cowboy hat] Thank you. Thank you so much for this newest award; it means so much. [a phone rings and he looks around] Oh. Excuse me. I must be getting another award. [reaches into his pocket and pulls out a cell phone. He answers it] Yes? EFSM President: Yes, Bono, sir, we wish to inform you that your record for biggest crap has just been broken. Bono: What?! That's impossible! How big was it? Scene Description: The White House, day. An elaborate stage with three massive LCD screens is set up. "Stars and Stripes Forever" plays Senator: We are here to honor the first American to bring home the distinguished EFSM medal for biggest crap ever taken. [applause. The Marshes are present. Randy is decked out in garlands. Sharon looks quite embarrassed. Jimbo, Gerald, Stephen, Stuart, and Skeeter are behind them] Randy: Hey look, Sharon, it's the President! He-hey Sharon! Senator: To present the award I give you the dean of the EFSM, Sir Orloff Broloff. [makes way for the dean, who is also the president] Broloff: Thank you, Senator. For over a hundred years, the European Fecal Standards and Meas- Chubby Official: Herr Broloff! Herr Broloff! [whispers into his ear] Broloff: Das shpoitenhoff? [to the crowd] Ahhh ladies and gentlemen, I understand we have just received a special video-taped announcement from Bono! People in Crowd: Oh! Bono? Cool! Broloff: Could we play the tape on the big screen, please? Scene Description: The tape. Bono appears onscreen without his hat. Bono: Hello everyone! I, am Bono. ["BONO" flashes on the screen a few times, then a short montage with real life photos of Bono performing and holding his awards follows]. "Hello, hello, helloooo. Yeah yeah yeah yeah." ["BONO" flashes on the screen a few times more, then he speaks] For years it has been my honor to try and bring focus to the needs in Africa, and today, I have very exciting news. Last night, at twenty past eight, I took a crap weighing nine and a half Courics. Crowd: Whoa! Sharon: [lifts her head up] Bono?! [a black and white photo of Bono laying on his stomach while looking into the camera with his hands directing the viewers to the giant crap. The monster appears next to a Grammy award for comparison - the Grammy looks like a toy] Bono: As you can see, it is one solid piece. [another black and white shot of him adoring his massive crap on a cushion flanked by two Grammys] It is my biggest crap to date, and I swear to its authenticity. Thank you, and God bless. [an exiting montage follows with the text "BONO" flashing on the screen.] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Broloff: You heard it, ladies and gentlemen! The official biggest crap is... 9.5 Courics! Congratulations to Bono! [fanfare goes up amid applause] Man: Bo-no! Woo-ooo! Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. Randy sits on the edge of the back porch crying. Stan comes out to check on him Stan: Dad, um, I think dinner's almost ready. Randy: [from the heart] I almost did it. I almost made something of myself. You know, when you get real close, you start thinking that maybe your life is gonna matter. [sobs some more] I mean, this was something I made! Something that came from me! That was a part of me! The only thing I ever made that was any good! Stan: Gee, thanks a lot, Dad. Randy: [instinctively replies] You're welcome. [continues] And I just,.. I know that this late in my life I'll never come so close to finally having ...meaning. Sharon: Come on guys, lasagna's ready. Randy: [angrily] Oh. Lasagna's ready. [turns around] You hear that, Stan? Mom says lasagna... is ready! I can see through your sarcasm, Sharon! Sharon: What are you talking about? Randy: [walks up to her] You can say it, Sharon! I know Bono's better than me! I'm sorry I'm not Bono, all right?! Sorry that I don't have... billions of dollars and a Nobel prize nomination! Sharon: Randy, this is ridiculous! Randy: [offended] Oh, that's real mature, Sharon! Just act like everything's funny! It's a big joke to you, isn't it?! Just a big joke! [Sharon avoids eye contact] Don't touch me! [pulls away a bit, then goes back inside the house] Sharon: [to Stan] Can you believe him?! All this over what guy took the biggest crap! Stan: You don't understand, Mom. You just don't understand. [turns around and walks in] Sharon: Wha? Wha? Scene Description: Skeeter's Bar and Cocktails, night. The men are gathered there again for Happy Hour, but they're all depressed. Jimbo: How come they just let that Bono guy send a picture of his crap? Stuart: 'Cause he's Bono, that's why. Stephen: But he could have faked it. It isn't fair! Randy: Doesn't matter. He's got the record now; there's nothing I can do. Gerald: [slams his fist on the counter] Oh yes there is! You could do it again! Randy: [incredulous] What? Gerald: Think about it: you weren't even trying to take the biggest crap last time. Imagine if you actually worked at it! Stephen: [getting enthusiastic] Hey. Hey that's right. Randy: Nooo. I can't go through all that again. It's too much. Skeeter: Come on, Randy. I'll bet you can crap that big again easy! Stuart: With the right diet and training, who knows what you're capable of? Randy: [rises and heads for the door] Guys, forget it! It's over! It was a fluke crap; I'll never take one that big again! Stephen: Is it over, Randy?! We all saw that crap you took! That was no fluke! There's something inside you that made you able to do it! Randy, you have a gift. Now who knows why God chose you, but he did! And if you walk away now, you'll always... wonder... how big a crap you could have taken! Randy: [with some resignation] I would need a lot of help. Gerald: That's what we're here for. Jimbo: Come on, Randy, what do you say?! Randy: I say... [turns around] Let's give Bono a run for his money! [the other men are glad to hear this, so they mob him and talk about it] Yeah!! [shakes his head like a lion] YYEEAAHHHH! Scene Description: CNN Headline News. Anchorman: Tonight, a possible attack on Iran may mean the beginning of a new war in the Middle East. Sharon: Oh no. Anchorman: But first, the record for the world's biggest crap: will it again be broken? Sharon: [disgusted and annoyed] Agh! Anchorman: Randy Marsh of Colorado is now three weeks into his quest to make a new crap, spending nearly every waking hour at P.F. Chang's. [a shot of Randy feasting away on noodles, shrimp, crab legs, etc.]. Female Anchor: Is this really newsworthy? Anchorman: You just don't understand. Female Anchor: You're right. I don't. Anchorman: [the camera zooms in on him] At the same time, some people are questioning Bono's current record entry, saying nobody has ever seen it in person. Bono could not be reached for comment, as he is currently in Africa helping the needy. Scene Description: An African sunset. Bono dances down a dirt street in a slum, singing "Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah..." His phone rings and he answers it. Bono: Hello, hello. Broloff: Marsh is attempting to break the record again. We thought you should know. Bono: He can't beat my nine and a half Courics! Broloff: Well he's going to try. Bono: Fine, but he has to take the crap in front of you! In Zurich. Broloff: Bono, we've never had that rule before. Bono: I's the only way you can know 'e's not cheating! If he doesn't crap in Zurich, it shouldn't count! Scene Description: Back at Hell's Pass Hospital. Randy is looking quite bloated now, almost... pregnant. Assistant: Ultrasound is very simple, Mr. Marsh. We're going to use harmless waves to look inside your belly. Just gonna put some warm gel on your stomach first. [does this and lets it spread] Randy: Oooooo. Assistant: Okay, take a deep breath. [Randy takes the breath and the assistant puts the camera on the belly, then turns to the monitor to his right] I see the crap now. I can't say for sure, but I, I'd say is about... 14 Courics. [Skeeter, Stephen, Stuart, Gerald and Jimbo are now shown in the room with smiles on their faces. Jimbo is sitting on a chair near the bed holding Randy's hand.] Jimbo: Fourteen?! [grins] Stephen: That's great, Randy! Randy: Can I, can I see it? Assistant: Sure. [swivels the monitor towards Randy] This is your colon, a-and here... [softly, warmly] is the feces growing inside your belly. [a musicbox begins to play as Randy marvels at his poop] Randy: Ahhh... Scene Description: an Emmy Award statue floats up into view, and a banner saying "EMMY AWARD WINNING SERIES" shimmers after. Gerald: [rushes into the room] Guys, we have a problem! [the Emmy and banner disappear] I talked to the EFSM and they say Randy has to take the crap in Zurich. Randy: In Zurich? Gerald: They say that Bono is demanding it and that their hands are tied. Assistant: I'm sorry Mr. Marsh, I I cannot condone you traveling on an airplane in your condition. It is never safe to fly during your turd trimester. Scene Description: Bono's mansion, big enough to be a hotel. Stan is at the front doors, ringing the bell. A butler opens the doors. Stan: Hi, could I speak with Mr. Bono, please? Butler: Mr. Bono, you have a young gentleman caller! [two doors fly open and Bono dances out of a ballroom] Bono: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! [stops in front of a mirror] Get the jet ready, Bovis! I've got to be going. [puts on his hat] Stan: Hi, my name is Stan Marsh. My dad's trying to beat your record for biggest crap. Bono: Oh right. He can't make it to Zurich, right? Stan: That's kind of what I'm here for: Do you really need the biggest crap record? Could you maybe see your way to just... letting my dad have this one? Bono: [turns around to face Stan] Let him have it? Why would I do that?! Stan: Look, you you gotta understand, sir. My dad's never won an award for anything. Ever. He doesn't have one single trophy. I mean, even I have a second-place trophy for most Sports Illustrated subscriptions sold. Bono: [walks over to his trophy section and whips out a trophy containing an open magazine.] I have the first-place trophy for that. Stan: [a bit shocked] Dude, don't you have enough? I mean, you got tons of money, a jet, and the biggest rock band in the world, a hot wife, and, you've been knighted. I mean, at some point, can't you just kind of... fuck off? Bono: [puts the trophy down and goes back to the mirror] I want people to know that I'm worth something. That I matter. Stan: All I'm asking is that maybe with this one thing, let my dad be number 1. A-and you can still be number 2. Bono: [insulted] Number two?! NUMBER TWO?! [he turns around and charges towards Stan, grabbing him. He then throws Stan up against a gold record on the wall and holds him there] Stan: Agh! Bono: Nobody calls me that anymore and gets away with it! Take it back! TAKE IT BACK! Stan: I take it back! Bono: Say I'm not number two! Stan: You're not number two! Bono: That's right! I'm not! [releases him and dances back to the ballroom, singing away.] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! [The butler returns] Stan: What is wrong with that guy? Butler: Your father is in grave danger. Come with me! [Stan follows him out] Scene Description: EFSM Office, Zurich, day. In the main lobby, Randy is on a toilet made for this occasion, pushing hard to get that poop out, but it's taking a while... He takes several quick breaths to try again... He pushes hard again. Bono is present for the delivery. Chubby Official: It must be quite a crap. Jimbo: Come on, Randy. You have to push! [Randy takes several more quick breaths and pushes...] Scene Description: The German Autobahn. Bono's butler zooms down the road with Stan riding along Stan: What are you saying?! How do you know my dad is gonna die?! Butler: Because nobody has ever taken a crap that big before! Stan: So Bono's newest record is a lie! Butler: Look, I first knew something was wrong when I looked at Bono's first award for biggest crap. It said he took it in 1960. Stan: So? Butler: So that's the year Bono was born. Then it all made sense to me. How could Bono be so talented, so caring, and yet seem like such a piece of crap? Because he is crap. Don't you get it? Bono is not the record holder... Stan: He's the record. Butler: [whispers] Yes. Scene Description: EFSM Office, Zurich. Randy has yet to squeeze it out. Randy: [in frustration] I can't do it! I can't do it! Assistant: The crap is simply too big, Mr. Marsh. We must perform a Caesarean! Randy: But then, does it still count? Bono: Oh no! The biggest crap means you crapped it out! Broloff: I believe that's true. We are sorry, Mr. Marsh, but, if you cannot crap out the crap, it's not really a crap. Randy: [sobs] No... Nooo... Jimbo: There there Randy, you... You gave it your best shot. Randy: I want my wife. Sharon? Sharon? [she walks up to him] Sharon: [pissed off] What?! Randy: I'm sorry, Sharon. Sorry that I let you down. Sorry I can't crap like Bono. Broloff: Well congratulations, Bono, it appears your record is intact. Bono: I had a feeling it would be. Stan: [runs in] Wait! Stop! Dad, your old crap counts. Bono never took a second crap to beat yours. Bono: Get him out of here! Third Official: What are you talking about, young man? Stan: Somebody's been keeping it a secret. Bono was never the record holder! He's the record! Bono: It's not true! Kill the kid! I want him dead! Broloff: It's too late, Bono. The boy has learned the truth. Chubby Official: Herr Broloff, what do you know of this? Broloff: It's true, I'm afraid. You see, until Mr. Marsh came along, I was the record holder for the biggest crap. I took it back in 1960. It was the most amazing crap I'd ever taken. Bono: Poppa no! Say nothing more! Broloff: Come to me my... darling precious child. [Bono sobs and walks over to him. Broloff hugs him] After I had broken the record I took the crap home. I was so proud of it that I... decided to keep it, to try and raise it like a child. Bono: No Poppa... No Poppa... Broloff: [strokes his hair] There there, my little crap. [props Bono's chin up] Don't cry. [unbuttons his coat, vest, and shirt] Here, do you want the biddy? Hm? [holds his left breast out to Bono] Does Bono want the biddy? [Bono whimpers and begins sucking on the teat] Yes, he likes the biddy doesn't he? Stan: Dude. Broloff: I kept the crap in my office, nursed it, fed it biddy. And soon biddy made him strong. Biddy made him grow up! Into one of the most influential figures of our time. [looks down] Easy Bono, that hurts the biddy. Bono: Biddy. [keeps sucking] Broloff: My little crap has accomplished many things. But he could never shed the fact that he was really... a number two. So he spent his life trying to be number one, in everything. Stan: That's why he's able to do so much, try to help so many people, but still seem like such a piece of shit. Chubby Official: You have blemished this noble society's good name, Herr Broloff. Broloff: Have I?! [pops Bono off his tit. Bono tries helplessly to return to the tit and suck on it] Look at the crap I took all those years ago! Bono is now almost six feet tall and over 80 Courics in weight! No matter how you look at it he IS still the record! Randy: Oh God, here it comes! [everyone gathers around him again, even Sharon] Ohhh hot-hot-hot-hot! HOTTT-hot-hot-hot-hot-hot! Hot! Hot! [he poops, and begins to rise and spin as the poop piles on] Ho-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ot... [finally stops. Beneath him is a pillar of poop almost six feet tall] Third Official: My God... Chubby Official: It must be over a hundred Courics! Stan: Dad, are you all right? Randy: Yeah, I'm... [looks down at his accomplishment] I'm good! [arms akimbo] Feel a lot better. Scene Description: an Emmy Award statue floats up into view, and a banner saying "EMMY AWARD WINNING SERIES" shimmers after. Chubby Official: [approaching] Mr. Marsh, we apologize, and if it's okay with you, we would like to present you... your long overdue trophy. [the banner disappears, but the official reaches out and grabs the Emmy. He walks over and jams it into the pillar of poop. Everyone claps except Stan and Sharon.]

Scene Description: The forest outside South Park, day. The camera pans down from the trees and settles on the forest floor, on which Cartman appears, followed by Tweek. Cartman is dressed like a lumberjack, with flannel shirt, vest, and rope. Cartman: All right, let's try over here. [points straight ahead. Jason appears behind them] Set up traps there, and there as well. [points right] Last time I saw him he ran right through here. [moves, revealing Stan further back. Cartman moves to his left, and Kyle is seen sitting on a fallen tree] Kyle: This is so retarded, Cartman. You've got everyone believing your stupid story. Cartman: [sets up a trip wire between two stones] It isn't a story, it's true! I saw a leprechaun. I've seen him come through here three days in a row now. [drops the rope, walks forward, and whips out a walkie-talkie] Hawk Eyes, this is Dragon Wind. Do you copy? Clyde: This is Hawk Eyes. We've set up the net and we're standing by. [behind him are Jimmy, Jason, and Craig hoisting the net into place] Cartman: Copy that, Hawk Eyes. Keep surveillance tag Alpha Niner. Dragon Wind out. [Tweek joins Stan in the background] Kyle: Just admit you were lying, Cartman, so that everyone can go home! Cartman: O-ho no! We have a deal, Kyle! If I can prove there's a leprechaun, you have to suck my balls, remember?! [whips out his walkie talkie] Dragon Wind to Blackie: What's your six, Blackie? Token: [pissed off] ... I don't want the code name Blackie. Cartman: Code names are what they are, Blackie! Check your six and alert when in position! [puts away the walkie talkie and gets back to setting the trip wire.] Kyle: This is fucking retarded! Cartman: Hahaha, getting nervous, Kyle? When that leprechauns shows up you must suck my balls! Don't forget I have a signed contract from you. [finishes setting the trip wire] Kyle: Yeah, and if you couldn't prove there was a leprechaun, you have to give me ten dollars! Now just pay up and stop being stupid! Cartman: [whispers loudly] Goddammit, why hasn't it shown up yet? [whips out the walkie talkie] Dragon Wind to Faggot! Come in, Faggot! Butters: [stands on a lookout platform with a telescope next to him. He answers in a subdued manner] This is faggot. Go ahead. Cartman: Faggot, I need you to keep surveillance North to North East. Check back in five. Butters: Okay, will do. Faggot out. [turns right and looks through the telescope] Waagh. Kyle: Okay, that's enough. [hops off the tree and walks forward] Everybody! Cartman is just pulling one of his stupid tricks on everyone, because he's trying to get out of a deal he made! Cartman: It was here, I swear it! I don't know why it's not showin' up this time! Kyle: You didn't see a leprechaun, fatass! If you could prove it, I had to suck your balls, but if you couldn't, you had to pay me ten dollars! Pay up! Butters: Uh, I got somethin'! I got it! [the other boys turn and pay attention] It's uh... Oh jeez I thnk it's a leprechaun! Cartman: [to Token] Set off diversion track C! [Token sets off a small bomb under a pile of leaves. Nearby a leprechaun skips into view, then stops upon seeing the boys] Stan: Dude... Jimmy: Fuh, fuck me, it's a leprechaun. Cartman: [charging forth] Get it! [the leprechaun runs away, and all the boys except Kyle, who is dumbfounded, give chase] Get that fucking leprechaun! I want it alive! [the leprechaun crawls under a tree trunk and gets up. He trips over a rope and a net descends on him; he dodges it and runs off. He runs into a bush and trips a sliding door, which drops down behind him. It traps him in a cage. He looks around for a way out, but sees the boys crowd in.] Butters: Wow. Stan: Cool. Craig: No way. Token: Whoa. Jason: Wow. Cartman: [making his way through, out of breath] Eugh! Uh, move aside! Move aside! All right, butthole, where's the gold?! Leprechaun: You lads don't know what you're doin'. I need to deliver an important message! There's goin' to be an attack! Cartman: [gets out a Bowie knife] Tell me where the gold is or you die! [unsheathes it] Slow! [the leprechaun makes a rainbow with his right hand, and it teleports him out and disappears] Stan: Where'd he go? [the leprechaun appears on a tree limb behind the boys; they turn to look at him again] Leprechaun: I was sent to warn of a terrorist attack, but you boys have made me late. Now the terrorists will prevail! The end is near! [the leprechaun makes a rainbow with his right hand, and it teleports him away and disappears] Craig: Dude. Cartman: [walks up to Kyle and clears his throat] Kyle, suck my balls. [brings out the contract both of them signed. Kyle stands motionless] Scene Description: SOUTH PARK KYLE SUCKS CARTMAN'S BALLS THE TRILOGY Scene Description: The dining room. The family is at dinner, eating silently. Kyle has got something on his mind, as he's not eating. Kyle: Dad, where do leprechauns come from? Gerald: [not skipping a beat] From Ireland. Kyle: So... why would one come to America to warn us about a terrorist attack? Sheila: Kyle, leprechauns aren't real. You're almost nine now; you need to understand the difference beween real and imaginary. Kyle: I thought I did. [the doorbell rings and Sheila rises to get the door] Cartman: [walks in with the contract and a camera] Ohhh, Ms. Broflovski, how are you this fine evening? Sheila: Oh,hello Eric. [leads him to the dining room] Kyle, your friend is here. Cartman: Hello, Mr. Broflovski, Ike. Nice evening, isn't it? Well Kyle, shall we go up to your room for a few minutes. Kyle: [gets off his seat and stands between Cartman and the table] Get out of here, Cartman, we're eating dinner! Cartman: Uhh, Kyle, I believe a certain someone is supposed to put a certain set of balls in their mouth. Kyle: I'm not doing it, fatass! Gerald: Doing what? Cartman: We had a deal, Kyle! Kyle: Just get out of here! Cartman: [walks up to Kyle] You signed an agreement, Kyle!! Kyle: I don't care if I signed an agreement! Gerald: Ah hey now Kyle, if you made a deal with somebody, you have to stick by it. Cartman: Thank you, Mr. Broflovski. Gerald: What was the agreement? Kyle: That if he could prove leprechauns exist, I would suck his balls. Sheila: Whatwhatwhat?! Cartman: And there was a leprechaun! You saw it, Kyle!! Scene Description: A neighborhood clearing, day. Stan, Butters, Jimmy, and Kenny are working on a massive snow sculpture. Kyle walks up to them. Kyle: Hey dudes. [the boys stop and pay attention] Jimmy: Hey Kyle. So, ...how was it? Kyle: How was what? Jimmy: Sucking Cartman's b-balls. Kyle: I didn't suck his balls, all right?! And I'm not going to! Stan: [walks up to him] Dude, why did you ever agree to suck his balls in the first place? Kyle: Uch, I didn't think there would actually be a leprechaun! And I still don't! Why would a leprechaun be warning us of a terrorist attack?! There's another explanation for all this. Fanciful Mayor: [dressed in a Southern Victorian outfit, polka-dotted yellow pants, and curled shoes] Excuse me. Have you boys seen a leprechaun anywhere lately? Stan: ...What do you know about the leprechaun? Fanciful Mayor: Ooooo, then you did see him. [twirls] That's splendiferous! I want you to tell me everything he said. Where was he? What was he doing? Kyle: All right I've had enough! Leprechauns are imaginary! Fanciful Mayor: Well of course they are. But just because they're imaginary doesn't mean they're not real. Haven't you boys ever used your imagination? [whips out a striped cane and turns to Stan] You young man! How would you like to be a cowboy? Or a- swashbuckling pirate? [moves over to Kyle] And you! How would you like to be an astronaut, faaar out in space? All it takes is a little... [taps his head with his left hand] imagination. Stan: Who the hell are you? Fanciful Mayor: Still not convinced, eh? I tell you what, boys. What say we all take a ride on my... Imagination Flying Machine? [before them appears an elegant red blimp with four smaller yellow balloons from which hangs a small wooden ship with three wheels underneath it for landing on solid ground] Kyle: Dude. Fanciful Mayor: Hop aboard, kids. I have something to show you. Butters: Uhhh, are you gonna rape us? Fanciful Mayor: [confused] Ubeuh... uh... n... no? Butters: Ah, all right then. Stan: Come on, guys. [the others follow him, with Butters trailing.] Butters: Watch it, fellas. I'm pretty sure this guy wants to rape us. Fanciful Mayor: All aboard the Imagination Balloon! [sounds the boarding bell and lifts off as the boys draw up the rope ladder.] Some people feel imagination isn't real, but I tell them that they're wrong, 'cause whenever I want to play and pretend, I just sing the Imagination Sooong [the song consists of the one word "imagination," repeated. The ship floats lazily over the countryside, then over the Platte river and a bridge, then over another river flanked by meadows and woods, and ever higher into the sky, then over the Rockies]. Kyle: [at his limit] Are you gonna take us somewhere or not?! Fanciful Mayor: Oh- Ohhh. But my boy, we're already here. Scene Description: Imaginationland, where whatever fantastical creatures you could imagine exists. There are two moons and two pointy stars in the sky and mountains whose tops bend over like witches' hats. There are castles everywhere with flags atop them. As the Imagination Balloon floats in, a flying giraffe is shown, as is a flying city, a griffin, an elevated tram and its cars, and many, many creatures strange and familiar. The creatures all turn to see the ship and follow it to its landing The Boys: Whoa... Stan: What is this place? Fanciful Mayor: This... is Imaginationland. [a yellow rocket flies in and lands on its own] It's where all the wonderful and goofy things that humans have made up over the years live together. [more of the land and its inhabitants are shown, and the balloon finally lands in the middle of town. The Mayor climbs down the rope ladder] Citizens of Imaginationland! We have distinguished guests from the world beyond! [the creatures ooo and aaa about them] Cheetara: Hello. [the boys climb down. Butters is excited] Lollipop King: [a walking lollipop with a crown and lollipop scepter] Welcome to Imaginationland. I am the Lollipop King. Mr. Tumnus: [bows] We are honored to have Creators in our kingdom. Fanciful Mayor: Now, good news, everyone! These boys did see the leprechaun! [the creatures jump for joy] Pat the Hammer: What did he tell you? Did he have any news? Stan: [hesitantly] Well he said there was gonna be a- ...that there was... gonna be a- A Terrorist: [runs in out of nowhere] ALLAH!!! [he stops, rips open his jacket, and shows off the bombs strapped to his body] Fanciful Mayor: [closeup] OH FUCK NO! [the terrorist sets off the bomb as everyone else leans back. The explosion sends creatures flying everywhere, with some of them dying as their bodies fall apart. Charlie Brown is blown away, losing his left leg below the knee.] Charlie Brown: Awwwgh! [falls on his face] Cheetara: [running past Stan] AAAAAH! Scene Description: Stan is battered and looks for shelter. He finds it under a giant mushroom. He is now in a daze and time begins to move slowly for him. He watches as Raggedy Ann tries to revive a destroyed Raggedy Andy, but it's no use. He then turns to see Santa set ablaze and set two moon-bellied sneetches on fire. The action takes on a war-ravaged tone as Ronald McDonald finds he's lost his right arm. He sees it on the floor and walks over to pick it up with his left hand. He winces, then sees a large building go up in flames as burning creatures run about. An explosion sends the building's tower crashing down in front of the building. The terrorist fires away with his automatic machine gun. Stan begins to recover as he puts his cap back on. A faun runs past him in the background, and Kyle arrives. His lips move slowly and Stan doesn't know what he's saying. Kyle: [above all the noise] Stan, we have to get out of here!! [Jimmy is with him. The three take off. The terrorist appears behind them, but doesn't see them. Kenny joins the group as a dragon drops down from the sky.] Draco: Quickly boys! Get on my back! [the boys climb on and Draco takes off] Butters: Fellas! Fellas wait! [the boys look back at Butters, who is running up to them as fast as he can] Hold on, fellas! Stan: Butters. Butters: Don't leave me, fellas! Come back! [a terrorist knocks him down with the butt of his gun, then kicks him around. Two other terrorists join in] Kyle: Dude! [the terrorists keep kicking Butters around] Butters: Hey guys! The Boys: Butters! Scene Description: The Broflovski House, morning. Kyle wakes up startled in his room and sits up. Kyle: A-ah! A-a-ah! Wha? Where...? Oh. Oh dude. Oh, it was just a dream. It was all just a crazy dream. Huh, oh my God. [gets out of bed and walks off] Scene Description: The Marsh house, morning. Stan is eating cereal at the breakfast table when the phone rings. Stan: [picks up] Hello? Kyle: Dude, did you finish your math homework? I kind of lost track of time last night. Stan: No no I I hardly got any sleep. I had this whole messed up dream about some gay Mayor guy taking us to Imaginationland where all these imaginary characters live? Kyle: [speechless, then] ...And then it got attacked by terrorists? Stan: Yeah! How'd you know? Kyle: Dude! I had the same dream! We jumped on a dragon's back and, and Butters got left behind! Sharon: [enters the kitchen] Stan? Stanley? You haven't seen your little friend Butters, have you? [with her are Butters' parents. Linda is distraught] Stan: Why? Linda: Our darling Butters never came home last night. Kyle: What did they say?? Steven: We don't wanna jump to conclusions, but... we're worried that maybe somebody kidnapped Butters, sodomized him over and over again, and then fed his genitals to wild animals. [Linda starts crying] There there, darling. Kyle: [hearing the crying] ...Dude... Scene Description: The Pentagon, Washington D.C., day. General Deckter: [serious] Ladies and gentlemen, I have dire news. Yesterday, at approximately 18:00 hours, terrorists successfully attacked... our imagination. [the other officials there look around and murmur at each other] Man 1: Our imagination? Woman 1: [behind him, with gray hair] How? Specialist: The imaginary attack appears to have been in the works for years. The effects of the attack are so far... unimaginable. General Deckter: We've intercepted this videotape the terrorists made for broadcast. Luckily we've kept it from being broadcast to the public. [clicks on a remote control, and the video appears onscreen. The Fanciful Mayor is on the ground with a blindfold on. A Care Bear sits to his right with a blindfold on as well. The terrorist starts speaking, then backs up to shoot a Care Bear in the head] Fanciful Mayor: No! It's just a Care Bear! [a terrorist knocks him down with the butt of his gun. A fairy godmother walks up to check on him] Man 2: Oh my God. General Deckter: [fast forwards the tape] Later in the video we can see another imaginary hostage; this one reading a forced statement. Butters: [reading the statement at gunpoint] Praise to the mighty Allah. His divine grace a-and will have brought forth this day. [a terrorists brings forth a severed bear head to show the viewers] Oh jeez! [the terrorist withdraws] Uhhh, nnow see, your safety is at our whim. This is the price you pay, America! You have defiled Allah, and now we will turn your imagination against you! Death to the Infidels! [there's no more to read] Can I go now? [two terrorists come up and drag him away. The one wearing a vest takes the statement away from Butters.] Stan! Kyle! Could you could you get me out of here?? [the tape is stopped] General Deckter: Gentlemen, the terrorists appear to have complete control of our imagination. It's only a matter of time before... our imaginations start running wild. Scene Description: Colorado State Courthouse, day. Cartman: [as the plaintiff, with a lawyer] I believe a serious blow to democracy has just been dealt. [Kyle is the defendant, without a laywer] A travesty has occurred, and I want justice! Kyle Broflovski did willingly and knowingly sign a contract, and yet, to date, he has made no effort, nor does he show any intention, of ever sucking my balls! [the judge can't believe what she's hearing] I've given him ample time to fulfill his obligation, and he has thus refused. I stand before you with dry balls, Your Honor. I've provided witnesses, collected testimonials, and still, my balls remain dry. I want what I'm entitled to! Judge: [looks over the contract in front of her] Mr. Broflovski, did you agree to orally imbibe Mr. Cartman's scrotum and testicles? Kyle: I... Judge: [shows Kyle the contract] Is this not your signature on the contract? Kyle: Uh... W-uh... but... Come o- come on! Really? I mean, aren't there more important things going on right now? Judge: From what I've been presented and the evidence put forth, the court has no choice but to order you to place Mr. Cartman's pubicle sac in your mouth, and draw upon it succulently for no less than 30 seconds. Cartman: [pumps his left fist] Yesss! Judge: You have twenty four hours to suck aforementioned balls. If after that time you still refuse, the court will be forced to arrest you for contempt. Next case! [lowers the gavel. The camera is in a position to see it block Kyle from view.] Cartman: Thank you Your Honor. This isn't a victory for me, this is a victory for the justice system. And my balls. Scene Description: The Pentagon, Washington D.C., day. General Deckter and four of his top people sit opposite a dark-skinned man. There are other people present General Deckter: What I am about to tell you is highly classified. Two days ago, Muslim terrorists hijacked our imagination. [the man is now shown close up] Frankly we don't know what their next move is or how to stop them. Specialist: In times like these the government often turns to Hollywood for help. You creative filmmakers can think of idea we just can't. General Deckter: That's why we've asked you here, M. Night Shyal-amalam. [the camera zooms out a bit and shows the name tag in front of the man: the director M. Night Shyalaman] The Sixth Sense, Signs, The Village, all very clever films. But can you use your amazing idea brain now to help us stop the terrorists? M. Night Shyalaman: What if... [the top officials lean in] What if it turns out they aren't terrorists? But they're actually werewolves? From the future? General Deckter: N, no. No, they're terrorists. They've been linked to Al Qaeda. M. Night Shyalaman: But what if Al Qaeda, it turns out, is the group being terrorized? By aliens? General Deckter: No- No. That's not an idea, that's a twist. We need ideas. M. Night Shyalaman: How about we make everyone think that terrorists attacked us? But really, we were all already dead. General Deckter: [to the specialist] Get him out of here. [M. Night Shyalaman is hauled away, only to be replaced by...] Mr. Bay, can you think of any idea how to outwit these terrorists? Michael Bay: I believe I can. [the officials get their pens ready to write] We start... by making a big CG building and then we have a meteor go CROSSHH! [makes a diving motion with his left arm] and it, and it's all like CRAAWWWLL [simulates an explosion with his arms] a-and motorcycles burst into flame while they jump over these helicopters, right? [has his right hand go over his left arm like a motorcycle over a helicopter] General Deckter: [firmly] No no! We need ideas how to stop the terrorists! Michael Bay: An eighteen-wheeler spins out of control and it's all like BROSSHH [makes a crashing motion with his right hand] And then this huuuge tanker full of dyna- [launches into a series of explosions] General Deckter: [fed up] Those aren't ideas, those are special effects! Michael Bay: I... don't understand the difference. General Deckter: I know you don't. Get him out of here! [next in the chair is Mel Gibson] Aaand being that we are all big Mel Gibson film fans, we thought maybe you could help us. Mel Gibson: [twisting his hipples hard] Ah, my nipples, they hurt! They hurt when I twist them! General Deckter: [dismayed, drops his head into his left hand] Yes, uh, I don't suppose you have any creative ideas how to fight these terrorists? Mel Gibson: How about this? You have that tape that the terrorists made, right? Well, maybe if you did a background check on that videotape, you might find somebody who doesn't belong. Somebody who doesn't fit in Imaginationland![twists his nipples again] Ohhh! Specialist: Heyy... that's not a bad idea. General Deckter: Yeah. Say what you will about Mel Gibson, but the son of a bitch knows story structure. Get the videotape and do a background check on everyone in it! Mel Gibson: [twists his nipples from the excitement] Oogh! Yess! [grins] Scene Description: some hours later. Specialist: All the imaginary characters in the tape were identified, sir. Count Chocula, Cinderella, Snarf from Thundercats... But here. [clicks. Butters is shown in full] Nothing in American folklore or storytelling match this kid. He appears to be... just some kid. [zooms into Butters. The last few seconds of the tape are replayed: "Stan! Kyle! Could you could you get me out of here??"] General Deckter: [determined] I want digital imaging and resource magnification done stat! [slams his right fist into his left hand] If that kid isn't imaginary, I want to know who he is, where he's from, and who his friends are! Specialist: Yes sir! [leaves, and General Deckter is alone in the meeting room with Butters' image] General Deckter: [walks up to the screen and stares intently at Butters' image] Who are you?... Scene Description: Imaginationland, the aftermath. Butters and the Mayor have been released and join the survivors. Mighty Mouse sits on a talking suitcase, Link tends to Tumnus. Other survivors are the Flash, the Wild Thing, H.R. Pufnstuf, Count Chocula, Orko, Pat the Hammer, Cinderella, Totoro, and Humpty Dumpty Butters: Uh, excuse me? Uh Mr. Terrorist, sir? [a shot of the terrorists arming the rocket from the beginning of the episode] Uh, I'm actually not imaginary, a-and um, my p-my parents are gonna ground me if I don't get back- [one of the terrorists says something to him and cocks his gun] Aaah! [holds out his palms and backs up to join the survivors] Okay, sorry. Uh sorry. Pat the Hammer: Can you tell what the terrorists are doing? Fanciful Mayor: They're going something to Rockety Rocket. Rockety Rocket: No! Leave me alone! Haaa! Cinderella: It doesn't make sense. What do they want with Rockety? Fanciful Mayor: The only reason they would- [shuts up upon a realization] Oh my God. They're gonna blow up the Barrier! Butters: Uh what's the Barrier? Fanciful Mayor: The wall! The wall which separates the evil side of Imaginationland from the good side! [the wall, which is rather low, is shown. Beyond it is a dark place, full of lightning and unknown dangers] Rockety Rocket: No! No you can't blow up the barrier! Are you insane?! [the terrorists talk amongst themselves] Cinderella: We can't let this happen. Suitcase: It will be the end of Imaginationland. Pat the Hammer: Yeah. You have to stop them, kid. Butters: Me?? Woo, what am I supposed to do? Fanciful Mayor: Don't you get it?! If the terrorists blow that barrier, all the most evil things ever imagined are gonna pour out and take over Imaginationland for good! YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING!! Butters: [frightened] Waaahaa! Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. He's the the whole house decked out for a party. A lush Arabian party. Persian throw rugs are spread out all over the floor. The sofa has been converted into a royal litter. His classmates mill around drinking juice. Cartman enters the living room dressed as a sultan Cartman: Thanks for coming, everyone. The big moment is almost here, as soon as Kyle arrives. Craig: He's not gonna show up to suck your balls dude. Cartman: He has to. He's been ordered by the court. Clyde: Hey, he's here. [the kids turn to face the front door. Stan and Kyle walk towards the house together] Cartman: What? Move aside, move aside! [moves through the crowd to the door] Stan: Dude, do you really have to do it? Kyle: Let's just get this over with! Cartman: Yes, come on in, peasant Kyle, and pay homage to this sultan's balls. Kyle: God damnit! Cartman: Yehehehesss. Yehhhs! [the sound of helicopters ruins the moment as Cartman's smile vanishes and he looks around. Stan and Kyle turn around and see the helicopters. Police cars and government vehicles converge on Cartman's house as the copters land. General Deckter, specialist, two soldiers, and two security guards pour out of the helicopter] Specialist: That's them, sir. Stan Marsh and Kyle Broflovski. General Deckter: You boys need to come with us on a matter of national security. Kyle: Who are you? General Deckter: There's no time! You need to come with us right now! [prods the boys towards the waiting helicopter] Cartman: [runs up and grabs Kyle's free hand] Hey, let go of him! [Kyle is now in a tug of war between Cartman and General Deckter] General Deckter: We aren't going to hurt your little friends. We just need information. Cartman: No! No, he has to suck my balls! [loses his hold on Kyle and falls to the sidewalk on all fours. He gets up and runs after the helicopter, which takes off quickly. All the other vehicles pull out. Cartman runs down the street a bit] NO! KYYYYLE! [loses his turban] Scene Description: Imaginationland. The terrorists make the end run with Rockety Rocket towards the Barrier. Rockety Rocket: No! Noooo! [Butters comes into view to stop them] Butters: Hold on! Hold on a second! [the terrorists screech to a halt] Now, you really should think about this. I mean, uh, I I know you think attacking our imagination will get you somewhere, but will it really? If you destroy that wall, all the most evil parts of our imagination are gonna break loose, but... will it really make you terrorists feel better? Maybe it's time for us all to just... get along. Terrorists: [having had time to think about it, they give their answer] ALLAH!! [they charge forth with Rockety Rocket toward the door, then push him forward. Butters jumps out of the way.] Rockety Rocket: AAAAAAAH! Jesus Christ, no!! [reaches the door and blows up. The terrorists cheer and fire away into the air. Butters gets up near the survivors] Fanciful Mayor: That was your plan to stop them?? Butters: Y-yeah, and that's not a heartfelt speech? Fanciful Mayor: That's fucking stupid! [the ground begins to shake under them as rumbles come from the evil side of Imaginationland. The terrorists stop firing. Cracks appear on the door. The Mayor says with dread] They are coming... [the door falls apart. "TO BE CONTINUED" appears over the action] Scene Description: The desert, day. An oil rig moves east. The cab is red with a white stripe. Cartman is inside with the driver Driver: Glad I picked you up, kid. It's dangerous for someone your age to be hitchhikin' Cartman: Yeah well, when a man has been wronged... he no longer cares about danger. Driver: You goin' to Washington to visit family? Cartman: I've got unfinished business. You go through life being told there's justice, then you learn that the only real justice... [looks at a picture of Kyle] is the justice you take. [to the picture] Make no mistake, Kyle. Before this is over, you will suck my balls. [runs his finger over Kyle's mouth]

Scene Description: Previously on South Park. Cartman: [voiceover] Previously on Battlestar Galactica [clips from last week's episode follow] Stan: What is this place? Fanciful Mayor: This... is Imaginationland. A Terrorist: [runs in out of nowhere] ALLAH!!! [the terrorist sets off the bomb as everyone else leans back. The explosion sends creatures flying everywhere, with some of them dying as their bodies fall apart.] Kyle: [above all the noise] We have to get out of here!! Butters: [running up to the boys as Draco takes off with them] Hold on, fellas! The Boys: Butters!! General Deckter: Terrorists have just attacked... our imagination. Fanciful Mayor: [to Butters] If the terrorists blow that barrier, all the most evil things ever imagined are gonna pour out! Terrorists: ALLAH!! [they charge forth with Rockety Rocket toward the door, then push him forward. Butters jumps out of the way.] Rockety Rocket: No!! [reaches the door and blows up. The terrorists cheer and fire away into the air. Butters gets up near the survivors] Scene Description: EPISODE II Scene Description: The screen brightens, and a bedroom is shown. A music box plays as the camera pans to the left. The bed is shown, and Butters is asleep in it. Scene Description: Butters' room, morning. Stephen: [voiceover] Butters, time for breakfast. Butters: Buh, huh, but... Oh jeez, it was just a dream. Stephen: [enters with Linda, who's holding a plate] Come on, Butters. Mom's cooked waffles and nanas for you. Butters: [chuckles with relief] Hoho! Mom, Dad, I dreamt I was in Imaginationland and, and terrorists attacked it. Stephen: You are in Imaginationland. This is a dream. Butters: Huh? Fanciful Mayor: [breaking into the dream] Hey, wake up, stupid! [the bedroom transitions into Imaginationland] Come on, wake up, kid! Butters: [wakes and stands up] No, wait! Uh I was back home in bed! Fanciful Mayor: NO! You passed out and peed your pants! Cinderella: Look! The evil of Imaginationland is coming out! [monsters from the evil side pour through the broken wall. The survivors from the terrorist attack turn and run away] Butters: Oh hamburgers! [the terrorists fire off their guns, but a monster wipes them out] Fanciful Mayor: Everyone! Fall back to the Gumdrop Forest! [catches up to Butters] Come with me, little boy! I'm going to get you home! [an Alien jumps into view and jumps around the Mayor] Butters: WAAAA! It's Alien! [points to the Xenomorph, which grabs the Mayor, lifts him up, and attacks him from behind and pierces right through him, killing him instantly. Butters runs away, only to be spotted by a Predator with laser sights. Butters avoids the lasers] Predator! Wha? [an army of Imperial Stormtroopers head his way. A heavy footfall behind him alerts him to Jason Voorhees's presence. He jumps] Huh? [Jason takes out his machete and slashes at him, but Butters ducks it and runs away] WAAAAAH! HAAAAAAAA! [geometric shapes and Tribbles join the fray] Scene Description: The Pentagon, day. General Deckter and his specialist interrogate Stan and Kyle in the same room the directors were in previously. General Deckter paces back and forth. Stan: Look, we already told you everything we know. Some guy just showed up in a big balloon and took us into Imaginationland. General Deckter: [stops and places his hands on the table] What we want to know is how! We need to find a way into Imaginationland; you've been there! How did you do it?! Kyle: We just... went on a balloon ride. Specialist: There must have been some kind of portal or doorway. Stan: Dude, we don't remember. General Deckter: Do you realize what's goin' on here?! Terrorists have attacked our imagination, and now our imaginations are running wild! [wags his left index finger at them] You'd better start remembering! Specialist: It was the Chinese, wasn't it? Kyle: ...What? Specialist: We've suspected that the Chinese government was working on a doorway to the imagination. [wags his right index finger at them] Is that where you were?! Stan: No. General Deckter: That's it, isn't it?! Where do the Chinese keep this portal? How does it work? Specialist: It is better than ours? Stan: Your what? Specialist: Our portal to the imagination built as a secret project back in 1962 to fight the Soviets- General Deckter: [puts his hands on his hips] Shhh! Tom! That's super-secret. Tom: [a bit chagrined] Ohh, I'm sorry sir. Kyle: Wait. The U.S. Government has a portal to the imagination? General Deckter: Aw, see? Good job, Tom! Why don't you just tell them everything about Project X?! Tom: Yes sir. [to the boys] We built a portal to the imagination to use against the Russians during the Cold War, but we never got a- General Deckter: THAT WAS SARCASM. I was being sarcastic, you fucking idiot! Tom: [more chagrined] Aw jeez, I'm really sorry sir. Stan: If you already built a doorway to the imagination, then why do you need us? General Deckter: [turns his back to the boys] All right, we might as well show it to them. [whispers] God-dammit, Tom. Scene Description: Darkness. Cartman: [voiceover] Every night, the dream is the same. [a field of grain pops up with purple mountains in the background. Cartman walks in smiling and holding the contract] I'm on my way to visit my friend Kyle, because we had a bet that if I could prove leprechauns were real, he would suck my balls. [Kyle is standing in the field, and Cartman walks up to him] And it turns out I was right. "Time to pay up, Kyle." [Kyle's name echoes into the distance] But then... [Kyle turns around with his mouth sewn shut] "NO! NOOO!" [Cartman rises into the air and the field fades to black] It's been taken from me. I have dry balls. Balls so dry they explode like dust. [he floats through the darkness. His right testicle pops and dissolves into the air. His left one does the same, and there's no penis left either.] Scene Description: In a bus. Cartman shakes himself awake Elderly woman: You okay, kid? Cartman: NO. I've got dry balls. And I'm running out of time. Scene Description: The Pentagon, the portal. The technicians prepare the portal General Deckter: Ever since the Cold War, the U.S. Government has been working on a secret project to build a doorway into the imagination. It is called "Project Imagination Doorway." Stan: That's not very imaginative. General Deckter: According to all the tests and the data, the doorway should work, but... it never has. Lead tech: But we're close, sir. We're real close. General Deckter: They've been saying that for over forty years. Lead tech: [walks up and stands next to General Deckter] You're the ones, right? The kids who have been in the imagination. Kyle: Ah I guess. Lead tech: What was the sequence that got you inside? We know there's some kind of... resonance code, but we can't figure it out. Kyle: Look, we're sorry, you guys, but the balloon just went up in the air and the dude sang a song and we were suddenly there. General Deckter: Song? You didn't say anything about a song before. Lead tech: What song? Stan: The Imagination song? Lead tech: That could be it. The fractal converter has never worked because it was waiting for a multitonal code! General Deckter: Quick boys: how does the Imagination Song go? Stan, Kyle: [unsure of the notes] Imaginaaaation Imaginaaaation Operator: Sir, uh I'm getting some electrofeedback from the gate. Ih it's weak, but it's nanoresponding to something. Lead tech: [urgently] Was there more to the Imagination Song? Ha, how does the rest of it go? Stan, Kyle: Imaginaaaation. Imaginaaaa- Kyle: No, no dude, it went up there. Stan: Imagina-he-hey- Kyle: Imagina-eh Stan: [to General Deckter] Dude, we don't remember. It was really long and stupid. General Deckter: I'm just about through playing with you boys! We're running out of time! You have to remember that song in its entirety! [Stan and Kyle look at each other.] Scene Description: The Gumdrop forest. The Mayor is flat on his back, still alive, but with heavy blood loss. He gargles in trying to move. The Lollipop King and Butters gather around him. Lollipop King: Mayor, Mayor, what are we supposed to do? Butters: Please, sir. I have to get home to my world. Fanciful Mayor: Oh, well. All you have to do is tap your heels together three times. Butters: Really? Fanciful Mayor: NO, you fucking dipshit, that was a joke! [groans for a few seconds more] Snarf: Mayor, what are we supposed to do, shnarf shnarf? Fanciful Mayor: Get to Castle Sunshine! It's your only hope! Lollipop King: Castle Sunshine? Fanciful Mayor: Through the Gumdrop Forest. Others will be hiding there; go, run! Look out for the evil characters! They're assembling on the Yum Yum mountain! [groans once more and dies] Scene Description: The evil characters have gathered in a clearing in the woods of Yum Yum mountain. Orc: We are free! Now all of Imaginationland is ours! The Minotaur: Not all, foolish orc! There are still parts of Imaginationland we don't control. Freddy Krueger: Tomorrow, we shall build our own castle right on this spot! The Minotaur: Who put you in charge, Krueger?! I am the most evil character here! ManBearPig: [half bear, half manpig] Nonsense! [somehow, he's been spliced together and brought to life] Your evil is stale! Headless Horseman: [holding a flaming jack-o-lantern on his left hand] I am the most evil imaginary character! [Krueger hisses] Squirrelly Squirrel: [hops into view] Now come on y'all. We shouldn't be fightin', we're supposed to all be on the same side. [the rest of the Woodland Critters arrive] Critter: Yeah. You're all right, Squirrelly Squirrel. Woodland Critters: Yaaaay! The Minotaur: What evil imaginary characters are they? Creature from the Black Lagoon: They were dreamt up by some fourth grade kid as part of his Christmas Story.. Squirrelly Squirrel: Now come on y'all. We can't waste time arguing, there could still be survivors out there. We need to hunt them down, and kill them. Rabbity Rabbit: And eat their flesh! Beavery Beaver: B'hut first we should rape them! Beary Bear: How about we kill them, and then rape their bodies so we can use their blood as lubricant? Squirrelly Squirrel: Say, that's a great idea, Beary Bear. [the Critters cheer and jump for joy] Jason Voorhees: [to Khan in a campish voice] Man, I do not want to meet the kid that dreamt THOSE things up. Scene Description: The Mall at Washington D.C., Day. Cartman has arrived and is on a pay phone. Cartman: Look, I want some Goddamn answers! You brought my friend here to Washington! Where is he?! What is going on?! Secretary: [at the Pentagon] I'm sorry, sir. That information is classified. Cartman: Something is going on, and I have a right to know where my friend is!! Secretary: [sees Tom arriving] There's somebody asking a lot of questions about what's going on. Tom: Let me handle this! [takes the receiver] I'm sorry, but there is no such thing as Project Imagination Doorway! [listens] Imagination Doorway. It was started in the Sixties as a secret government project. Right. Scene Description: The portal inside the Pentagon, day. Stan and Kyle rehearse the song, singing better on key than before. Stan, Kyle: Imagina-a-ation, Imagina- Stan: Waitwaitwait, maybe that's where he went really flat, like that half-step key change? Imagina-ation. Kyle: Right, then it was "Imagina-ation, Imagina-ation. Imagina-atio-on" [the lights dim and the portal begins to glow. The boys are confused for a moment, then face the portal with the other people present] Lead tech: It's open! It's open! Operator: Getting readings from the other side... the, that's it. We've made an opening to our imagination, sir! [the officers and techs all cheer and hug each other. Stan and Kyle stand there, awed] General Deckter: All right, that's enough! We've still got a lot of work to do, people! Its time to go in and get our imaginations under control! Scene Description: The Gumdrop forest. Butters walks with Snarf and the Lollipop King along a multicolored road. Huge gumdrops line the road on either side Butters: How much further to Castle Sunshine? Snarf: Snarf, I'm not sure snarf snarf. I've never been. [a female scream stops them in their tracks] Butters: What was that? Lollipop King: [walks to his left into the woods] Over here. [the other two follow and peer over some bushes] Oh Christ. Its Strawberry Shortcake. [in a clearing, Strawberry Shortcake sits on a stump, tied up so she can't move. Many evil characters surround her, ready to do her great harm] Strawberry Shortcake: Please, let me go. [the Headless Horseman kicks her] Wuh. [Frankenstein's Monster kicks her] Wuh! [an Imperial Stormtrooper smacks her around with his rifle] Dugh! [Jason walks up and put his knife under her eyes...] Snarf: Oh my God! Snarf. [and scoops out her left eyeball.] Strawberry Shortcake: Aaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaah! The Minotaur: Now kill her! Squirrelly Squirrel: [the Woodland Critters show up] Whoa whoa, hang on, y'all. You can't just kill her. That's not evil enough. Freddy Krueger: What do you mean? We cut out her eyeball. Jason Voorhees: Yeah, that's super hardcore. Squirrelly Squirrel: Now come on y'all. We can do better than that. Beavery Beaver: Hey! I know! Let's all pee in her empty eye socket! Deery Deer: Let's make her eat her own eyeball, and then pee in her empty eyesocket. Beary Bear: How about we get someone with AIDS to pee in her eyesocket, so she dies all slowlike? [the other Critters cheer at the idea] The Minotaur: Nobody here has AIDS! Woodland Critters: Awwww!! Beary Bear: But we've got to have AIDS before we pee in her eyesocket! Squirrelly Squirrel: Now don't be down y'all. I bet we can find some AIDS out in the forest. [the Critters scatter in renewed enthusiasm] Lollipop King: Dude, run, run, ruuun! [Butters and Snarf leave quickly, and he follows] Scene Description: The portal at the Pentagon. Some army troops in camouflage arrive and the techs finish up preparations. General Deckter paces in front of the soldiers. General Deckter: All right, men. We don't know what you'll experience on the other side of this doorway, but it will most likely be really weird. If you reach our imagination, you are to take every step necessary to get it under control! Are you ready? Soldiers: Yes sir! General Deckter: Are you ready, Kurt Russell? Kurt Russell: [dressed in camouflage like the others] I... I don't understand why I'm here. I I'm just an actor. General Deckter: Yes, but you were in that one movie that was kinda like this. That gives you more experience than anybody. All right, here we go! Men! Forwaaard! Tech 1: Sir, we have a security breach! General Deckter: What?! Tech: There's an Unauthorized Entry Alert, sir-it's coming from Sector Two! General Deckter: Sector Two?? [a large window at the far end of the room shatters as Cartman tumbles in, landing on his back. Everyone turns to see him] Kyle: Cartman?? Cartman: [gets up quickly and marches towards Kyle] Hello Kyle! Thought you could get out of your responsibilities, huh?! General Deckter: Who the hell are you?! Cartman: That kid you have made a bet that if I could prove that I saw a leprechaun, he would suck my balls! General Deckter: Get him out of here! Cartman: [some guards seize him and begin to drag him away] No! Hold on a second! [they stop and let him go] I have a contract [holds it out] validated by the United States court system! General Deckter: Let me see that! [a guard takes it from Cartman over to General Deckter, who reads it over] Why would you agree to suck someone's balls? Kyle: I didn't think there was going to be a goddamned leperachaun!!! General Deckter: All right, you two can go use the conference room. Go on, we have work to do here. Kyle: [stunned] Wha?! Well wait, ahah I wanna see what happens here! Deckter: You signed an agreement, kid. We don't have time for this. Go on and do it. Kyle: [looks at General Deckter, than at Stan] Stan? Stan: Dude, you did make a deal... [Kyle has run out of appeals and reluctantly follows Cartman out] Cartman: Theee conference room is which way? [smiles] Scene Description: Conference room, later. Cartman and Kyle sit facing each other. Cartman: Here we are, Kyle. You tried to bail out on our agreement, but I found you. Kyle: I didn't "bail," I got picked up by the government! Cartman: Well we're here now, that's all that matters. [brings up a small cup of mixed nuts] Care for some nuts? Oh, that's right. I guess you'll be chock full of nuts in a few minutes. Kyle: Cartman, do you even know what's going on? We went to Imaginationland, terrorists attacked it, and now the government is about to- Cartman: [cuts him off with a loud yawn and hops off his chair] Oh jeez, I'm sorry, Kyle. [walks towards a tripod and sets a camera on it] It's just that I'm so completely bored by this story. See, I'm really only interested in the part where the leprechaun was real, and so you have to suck my balls. Kyle: Okay, fine. You know what? Let's just get it over with! Cartman: Oh nonono, nononot so fast, Kyle. [starts unzipping a duffle bag] I've waited a long time for this, and I intend to savor each and every second. [pulls out a purple robe] Kyle: No, I'm serious! I wanna see what's happening downstairs, so let's just do it! [pounds the table with his left fist] Cartman: [puts on the robe] Not... just yet, Kyle. There's still a few things I need to do. [pulls out a crown and turns to face Kyle] By the way, I should tell you that I haven't had a chance to shower while making my way up here. My balls are... [puts on the crown] extra vinegary... Kyle: Just get to it already! Scene Description: The portal at the Pentagon. The soldiers move slowly towards the portal. General Deckter walks up to the lead tech Lead tech: Entering the portal in five seconds. General Deckter: Kurt Russell, can I get a comm check? Kurt Russell: Check 1, 2. General Deckter: Good luck men! Godspeed! [the soldiers walk up the ramp and through the portal] What do we have?! Kurt Russell, can you hear me? Kurt Russell: [voice only] We're here. We're s-somewhere. Tech 3: They are inside the imagination, sir. General Deckter: What do you see in there? Kurt Russell: There's lots of... big mushrooms, colorful grass, some castles in the distance, eh... Wait. Something's coming for us! It's coming out of the bushes and- [everyone braces for the worst] It's a-! ...Oh, Aw, it's just a cute little squirrel. [Everyone relaxes. Stan draws a sigh of relief] Hey, it talks, haha. The little squirrel talks. Lead tech: Awww, an imaginary talking squirrel. Techs: Awww. General Deckter: Ask the squirrel what it knows about the terrorist attack. Kurt Russell: Wait a minute, eh. The squirrel has friends. Oh why, why it's a whole bunch of woodland critters. Stan: Wait, woodland critters... [begins searching his memory] Kurt Russell: There's a talking bear and a beaver, uh... the, they seem to be Christmas critters. Well hello. Yes, hi. Stan: Get them out of there! General Deckter: What? Stan: Tell them to get away now! General Deckter: What's the matter? Kurt Russell: Oh the... cute little bear's eyes are starting to glow red now... Uh hello there, little animals, do you happen to know how to huh? OW! AAAAAAAHHHH! General Deckter: Kurt Russell, what's going on?! Kurt Russell: They're raping mee!! They're raping meee!!! General Deckter: Get out of there, Kurt Russell! Kurt Russell: They're raping all of us! Whoaho! Oh it hurts! They're raping us and it huuurts! Waaagh! Scene Description: The conference room. Cartman fine-tunes the camera position. Cartman: I was thinking of using a high-speed shutter with a low depth of field. What do you think? Kyle: Goddammit Cartman, will you stop wasting time? I wanna get this over with! Cartman: No, you're right, Kyle. A higher depth of field will make sure everything stays in focus. [sets the depth] There we go. [smiles, then returns to his seat] Now, Kyle, when you're sucking my balls, are you gonna think about how right I was about the leprechaun, or are you just gonna try and focus on how rough and salty my balls feel in your mouth? Kyle: Let's just do it!! [pounds the table with both fists] Cartman: In time, Kyle. You certainly are eager for balls, aren't you? Are you ball-famished? Balls-starving? You see, Kyle, I wonder if at this moment you are actually- [a red alert interrupts him] Guard: Everyone to the main hall now! Go! Cartman: Uh, no, no, we're not done in here yet. Guard: Everyone to the main hall now!! [Kyle heads for the door and out behind the security guard] Cartman: No! Goddammit, no! Scene Description: The Gumdrop Forest. Butters, the Lollipop King, and Snarf continue down the Rainbow Road. Snarf: Boy snarf snarf, my feet are really gettin' tired snarf. Butters: Aww, Sn-Snarf, could you maybe like sh-shut up for five minutes? Lollipop King: Wait! There it is. We made it! [a rather impressive complex looms before them] Castle Sunshine! [they rejoice at the sight, but a hissing sound follows] Hurry! Get inside! [they run towards the castle] Perseus: The evil imaginary characters are approaching! Lock down the gates! Prepare to fire the cannons! [more survivors walk in] Butters: Wait! Waaait! [the trio reach the castle gate and Perseus stops them with his sword] Perseus: What imaginary character are you?! Lollipop King: The Lollipop King? From the Lollipop Forest? Snarf: And I'm Snarf. Snarf, snarf snarf snarf. Perseus: [to Butters] And what imaginary character are you? Butters: Oh, uhh, uh I'm not imaginary. Ah I'm Butters. Perseus: What's a "Butters"? Snarf: The Mayor brought him and some other kids into Imaginationland just before the terrorist attack. Perseus: So YOU came from the real world at precisely the same time as the terrorists! That seems like quite a coincidence! Butters: I, well I was just playin' with my friends, and then, wu-we caught a leprechaun, and then this guy- Perseus: You caught the Leprechaun? Take him! Snarf: Perseus! He's not against us snarf snarf! Scene Description: The portal at the Pentagon. The portal has begun to act violently. Lightning shoots out from the portal and it changes color frequently. Everyone backs away. General Deckter: Talk to me! What's going on?! [the guard comes in with Kyle and Cartman] Lead tech: Something is... coming through the gate from the other side. [a few moments later, ManBearPig walks through] Operator: What is it?! Tech 4: Its like a... half man half bear! Lead tech: And half pig! [ManBearPig grabs a tech and slams him against the portal's supporting wall] Tech 5: Oh! No, no wait! It's like a half bear half manpig! [ManBearPig rips the tech's head off and tosses it towards General Deckter. Everyone scatters] General Deckter: Look out! [ManBearPig jumps over and grabs the tech at both ends] Lead tech: No! I think it's more like a half man, and half pigbear! [ManBearPig rips him in two at the waist] General Deckter: Reverse the doorway! Send it back through! Kyle: AAAHHH! [runs away, but ManBearPig scoops him up] Stan: KYLE!! [a fading tech pushes the red button at his station as he drops to the floor. Lightning flashes into the room as a tractor beam pulls Stan into the portal. ManBearPig resists the pull, but crushes Kyle in its left hand for several seconds] Kyle: AAAAAAAAAAAA- [ManBearPig lets go of Kyle as the tractor beam fiinally pulls it in. Kyle lays on the floor, blue in the face] Scene Description: Castle Sunshine, inside. Perseus leads Butters, Snarf, and the Lollipop King down the main hall as two Tron soldiers escort them. Butters: Please! I didn't help the terrorists get into Imaginationland! Honest! Perseus: That is for the Council of Nine to decide! Lollipop King: Don't worry, kid, the Council of Nine consists of some of the most highly-regarded imaginary characters in all Imaginationland Scene Description: The meeting room. At a triangular table sit nine imaginary characters. On the left side of the table are Gandalf the Grey, Glinda the Good Witch, and Morpheus. On the right side are Zeus, Luke Skywalker, and Popeye the Sailor. Sitting on the third side with their backs to us are Jesus and Wonder Woman. At the opposing vertex sits Aslan the Lion Aslan: Fellow Council, these are indeed dark times. The evil forces amass at our gates as we speak. Zeus believes we should evacuate. Zeus: Yes. Their power outmatches ours. If they are giving us a chance to leave we must take it! Aslan: And what say you, Morpheus? Morpheus: How our we to know that they will let us go? Their offer could be a trap. Glinda: Perhaps we must flee to the Temple of Alderon. Surely they wouldn't chase us there. Jesus: [rises] No, we can't. Come on, you guys, this is our home. We have to fight, to keep it the way it was meant to be. Luke Skywalker: I'm with Jesus. The evil characters aren't going to just let us go. Popeye: [Says something, but it's unintelligible] Jesus: That may be, Popeye, but we don't have a choice! [the doors open and the Council looks to see who's entering] Perseus: Forgive my intrusion, Council of Nine, but this boy has infiltrated from the real world. Aslan: Bring him here! Scene Description: The portal at the Pentagon. Paramedics have arrived to check on Kyle. One of them tries to resuscitate him with a defibrillator. Paramedic: Clear! [sends power through the paddles. Kyle rises, then falls softly. No sign of life yet. The paramedic removes the paddles and announces] I'm sorry. He's gone. Cartman: No! Kyle can't die. [gets on his knees and checks various parts of his body for a pulse] Paramedic: I'm sorry, young man. Cartman: Kyle? Paramedic: Well... at least now he doesn't have to suck anyone's balls. Cartman: [enraged] NNNOOO! [begins giving Kyle CPR] No, he has a strong heart! He wants to live! Come on, Kyle! Come on, buddy! General Deckter: He's gone, little boy. Cartman: [to the paramedic] Zap him again! [opens Kyle's coat and shirt for better contact] Do it! Paramedic: Charging. Cartman: DO IT! [the paramedic places the paddles back on Kyle's body] Come on buddy. Paramedic: Clear. Cartman: Come on buddy. [the paramedic fires away. Kyle rises, then falls softly. No sign of life yet.] Get out of here! [goes back to giving Kyle CPR. A woman covers her eyes in despair] Godammit Kyle, you never walked away from anything in your life! Now fight! [smacks Kyle around] Fight! Fight! Right now! [begins to break down] Fu-hight! Fu-hu-hight! [pounds Kyle's chest hard] Fight! [Kyle coughs, then comes to. Cartman begins to weep happily.] Give him some air. [an oxygen mask appears and Cartman places it over Kyle's nose and mouth.] There, easy. Breathe easy. [weeps softly some more] Scene Description: The meeting room at Castle Sunshine. Butters now stands on a platform in the middle of the table Aslan: I believe this child was brought into Imaginationland for a reason. Perhaps the Mayor knew something we don't. Zeus: What are you saying, Aslan? That if we are to take back control, we might-? Morpheus: Yes. If we are to take back control from the evil forces, this little boy might be the key. Butters: Awww, I'm the key? Could I not be the key, Morpheus? I don't wanna be the key. Luke Skywalker: If you ever wanna see your home again, little boy, you'll have to rise to this challenge. Butters: But I, but I'm supposed to be at school right now, uh, and instead I got, I got Snarf and Popeye and Luke Skywalker all pissed off... Aslan: It is a dark time for all of us, young boy. But know that if you believe in yourself, everything will turn out all right. Scene Description: The portal at the Pentagon. A large missile is being wheeled into place. Tom: Sir? Are you sure about this? General Deckter: We have no choice. Terrorists have attacked us where we are most vulnerable. There's no other option. [the missile is in place] We have to nuke our imagination. [the missile is lifted and tilted] Scene Description: A hospital room. Kyle is resting. A few gifts lie near him. Cartman rises from under the bed with his crown and robe on and contract in hand Cartman: Wake up, Kyle. [Kyle wakes up to a smiling Cartman]

Scene Description: Imaginationland. Recaps from the other two episodes follow. First scene: Arrival at Imaginationland Aslan: [voice only] Imaginationland... used to be a happy place. But then the terrorists attacked. [a shot of a terrorist blowing himself up, killing many imaginary creatures] And so many of us were killed. [a shot of Santa on fire, then a shot of the Barrier falling apart] The Barrier came down, and all the most evil imaginary characters were unleashed. [the evil characters pour through the Barrier. Next shot is Strawberry Shortcake being kicked by the Headless Horseman, then by Frankenstein's Monster. Aslan now appears] Now our final battle will take place. The evil characters are marching toward us with the intent to wipe us all out. [various shots of evil characters on the march] Beavery Beaver: This is gonna be fun, huh? [the other Woodland Critters whoop and holler] Aslan: We prepare for a battle we cannot win. [a shot of Popeye honing swords, then a shot of Luke Skywalker handing swards to imaginary creatures. Totoro gets one, then a robot] Sweet and cuddly imaginary characters, many who have never held a weapon, [Donatello puts a helmet on Snarf's head. Wonder Woman hands a sword to a doll character] must now fight for their very lives. We are too few in number, [Mario takes a full-sized sword and walks away with it without a problem. Superman walks off with a battle axe. A smurf tries to take a sword, but has trouble moving it once it's on the floor. Another character takes a spear] but we have one hope. That is where you come in, young boy. [walks over to Butters as other members of the Council look on] Only you can help us win this battle. Butters: Wuh, what can I do? Aslan: You have a power here that you have yet to understand. Scene Description: EPISODE III Scene Description: Static appears on screen, then clears up to a security camera clip of ManBearPig attacking Pentagon officials after entering the real world through the portal. After ManBearPig rips the lead tech in two, the tape is halted Al Gore: [voice only] Back it up! [the footage is rewound to the part where ManBearPig attacks the tech in blue dress shirt, then stopped.] Look! [points to ManBearPig] Right there! [the tape plays normally] See that?! [the tape stops again where the lead tech is ripped in two] What does that look like to you?! It's ManBearPig! [now onscreen wearing his Nobel Prize medallion] I told you it was real! [three officials watch him from a table in his office] Look again! [fast forwards, then stops when ManBearPig picks up Kyle] There! half man, half bear, and half pig! Do you see it?! Official 1: Yes, we see it, Mr. Gore. Al Gore: Something big is going on, and the American people need to know what! I'm off! [makes like he's flying away like Superman] Scene Description: Washington D.C. Memorial Hospital, day. Kyle is resting in a room, and his doctor is in the hallway talking to another doctor. Doctor: He's recovering, but there's been some trauma to his brain. The boy says he's been hearing imaginary voices. Scene Description: Kyle's room. A closeup of him in bed Stan: [in Kyle's head] Hello? [Kyle's eyes open and blink] Hello? Anybody? [Kyle's eyes dart around] Kyle: Stan? [sits up and looks around] Stan: Hello? Kyle: Stan? Cartman: [comes in smiling with a covered platter on a food cart] Good morning, Kyle. How are we feeling? Kyle: Cartman, what's happened? Cartman: What's happened? Well, let's see: You bet me that I couldn't prove that leprechauns were real. And if I could prove it, you had to suck my balls, I believe. Kyle: No, I mean what happened at the Pentagon?! Cartman: [smiles] You just rest, Kyle. [takes the lid off the platter] Look what I made for you. A sundae. It has hot fudge and whipped cream and a cherry- [suddenly pondering] but... I feel like something is missing; don't you, Kyle? [taps his chin] What else belongs on a sundae besides hot fudge and whipped cream, [real softly] let's see Kyle: Arh! Cartman: Hot fudge, whipped cream, what else belongs on a sundae, Kyle? [turns towards the sundae] What else goes on a sundae besides hot fudge,whipped cream, and ...oh, that's right! [faces Kyle with a determined face] My balls! Kyle: Cartman, what is going on out there?! What happened to Stan?! Cartman: Oh, he got sucked through that portal thing and they're gonna nuke it now. [takes off his cap and begins to pull out yet another costume] So are you all set for your big photo shoot, Kyle? Kyle: Wwait, what do you mean? Stan's in danger? Cartman: [now in papal robes] Don't try to change the subject, Kyle. [puts on the papal tiara and pulls the camera and its tripod into place] You've done a really good job of getting out of this bet, but it's finally time to settle. Get ready for your sundae, Kyle. With extra nuts. [closes his eyes and smiles] Scene Description: Castle Sunshine. Aslan stands guard on a bridge overlooking the fields outside the castle. Jesus: [arriving with Perseus and the Lollipop King] Aslan, the evil characters are almost here! Aslan: Get everyone to the battlefield! Defend the castle walls! Quickly young boy, we need your powers now! Butters: What powers? Ah I don't understand. Gandalf: You are real. You are a creator. That means you can imagine things into existence here. Butters: I c-I can? Aslan: Santa Claus was killed in the terrorist attack. The first thing we need is for you to bring him back. Butters: How? Glinda: You just have to focus your mind. Imagine Santa and nothing else. Butters: How am I supposed to focus with all this crap goin' on?! Luke Skywalker: Think only of one thing. Imagine it. Believe in it. Gandalf: Whatever is most prominent in your mind will come to be. [Butters closes his eyes to focus, and soon something appears before him. He opens his eyes and sees his father] Steven: [arms akimbo] Butters! [Butters cowers in fear] You are grounded, mister! You hear me?! [suddenly with a deformed leg, elfin ears, horns, and claws instead of fingers, and a deep voice] GROUNDED! Butters: [runs around in circles and then shakes his head is disbelief] AAAAAAAAA! No, nonono, no no no! [Steven vanishes] Aslan: [in Butters' face] What are you doing?! We need Santa! Butters: I'm trying! Wonder Woman: [arrives and kneels down next to him] Come on, kid, imagine Santa! Believe in Santa! Zeus: You must believe in Santa! Aslan: BELIEVE IN SANTA! RIGHT NOW! Butters: GAA HAA! Scene Description: Kyle's hospital room. Cartman has called in some workers to install a photo studio, consisting of a blue background with clouds, and a small platform with a throne on it. On the right arm rest sits the sundae. Two spotlights and light reflectors round out the setup. Cartman tests a remote control for the camera, and it works. Cartman: Kevin, can I get some more bounce off that too, 'kay? Let's just go with a 5 6 8 split Kyle: Cartman, will you shut up? I'm trying to find out what's going on. Scene Description: Channel 5 Breaking News. Anchorman: A new terrorist attack seems to have taken place. This time, in our imagination. [the footage of ManBearPig's killer rampage is shown, with the dialog cut out] Al Gore brought this video to the public's attention, sparking demands by everyone who wants to know exactly what's going on. Scene Description: Pentagon Press Conference. General Deckter: We were hoping to keep this quiet until it was all over, but, two days ago there was a terrorist attack on our imagination, and now our imaginations are running wild. Reporter 1: Our imaginations are running wild and we weren't told?! General Deckter: By attacking our imagination the terrorists have found our most vulnerable spot. And we've determined that the best course of action is to nuke our imagination. Reporter 2: Is nuking our imagination really prudent? Reporter 3: Aren't there other, more peaceful ways to get our imagination under control? Reporter 4: Couldn't we trying sending Kurt Russell into a portal to our imagination to try and reason with the- General Deckter: We tried that! And Kurt Russell was raped by Christmas Critters! Reporter 5: ...A-ooch Scene Description: Channel 5 Breaking News. Anchorman: The Pentagon claims that because imaginary things are not real, the military doesn't need Senate approval to nuke them. Scene Description: A protest in Washington D.C.. Hippie 1: That's bullcrap, man! You can't nuke our imagination! Hippie 2: Don't nuke our imagination bro! WOOO! Scene Description: Channel 5 Breaking News, commentary. Anchorman: Mike, does the military have the authority to nuke our imagination? Mike: Uh clearly they don't, Steven, and they're gonna have a big problem because state government has already set a precedent that imaginary characters are real. I cite a famous case of Cartman v. Broflovski in which a U.S. court found for the plaintiff who saw a leprechaun. Anchorman: Yes, I believe the defendant had to suck the plaintiff's balls in that case. Mike: That's right, Steven, yeah. Scene Description: Kyle's hospital room. Kyle keeps watching. Cartman continues his preparations Kyle: Oh for the love of God! Stan: Hello? Can anybody hear me? Kyle: Stan! Dude, is that you? Stan: Kyle? Where are you? I, I don't see you. Kyle: No, I'm not there. I'm at a hospital. I I'm hearing you in my imagination. Stan: ...Oh that makes sense. Kyle: Dude, what's happening? Stan: [walking down the rainbow road] I'm in like a gumdrop forest. I just saw Strawberry Shortcake tied up and dead with pee in her eye. [some moaning horns are heard] Ha-hang on. I think something really big is about to go down. Scene Description: The battlefield. The two sides appear, approaching each other. A man in only striped pants and shoes plays a horn Lollipop King: The evil characters are here. [Jesus and Robin Hood join him, Jesus ready to fight with his sword] Jesus: There are so many of them. HAAAAA! [lifts his sword to strike position as the other good characters crowd in. The two sides start fighting, and Waldo is impaled by both sides] Scene Description: Jesus takes on Pinhead and decapitates him. As the battle rages, the six remaining Council members watch along with Butters Aslan: There's no time left! You have to get control of your imagination and bring Santa back NOW! Butters: Santa. Saaanta. Luke Skywalker: Think. Jolly old Santa. Red suit, white beard. Butters: Red suit, white beard... Ssssanta! [Poof! Santa appears, but he's horribly deformed. The toys in his toy sack are deformed as well. Butters screams and turns away] Scene Description: Kyle's hospital room. Cartman is now on the throne, and Kevin is behind the camera Cartman: How does that look? Can you see my balls and the sundae in frame? Anchorman: [everyone turns to watch the TV] A shocking new development in the nuking of imagination! Scene Description: The Supreme Court, outside. Chief Justice: The Supreme Court has ruled with the military that imaginary things are officially not real, and therefore no approval is needed to nuke them. General Deckter: Thank you. Kyle: Oh no. Chief Justice: This of course overturns any imagination-based verdicts in the past, including the famous Cartman v. Broflovski ballsucking case. Cartman: ...What? Steven: So it appears the military is ready to proceed with its operation, one they are calling "Operation Nuke the Imagination Through the Imagination Doorway." Stan: Kyle? What's happening? Kyle: The government is gonna nuke Imaginationland. Stan: What?! You can't let them do that! Kyle: What am I supposed to do? Stan: Dude you have to stall them! [Kyle doesn't look too sure] Uh- ...uh oh, what is that? Hey! G-get out of here! Leave me alone! Kyle: Stan? Stan?? [gets out of bed and puts on his clothes] Cartman: Where are you going?! Kyle: I'm going to try to save Stan and Butters from getting nuked! Cartman: Okay okay, but you you have to suck my balls first real quick. Kyle: No, I don't! The decision was overturned. [walks out of the room] Cartman: [follows him out and watches him walk away] We had a DEAL KYLE! Kyle: [walking towards the entrance] Yeah, that leprechauns were real! And the government just declared they AREN'T technically real, so I was right! It's over! I don't have to suck your balls! Cartman: IT ISN'T OVER!! [Kyle turns to face him] It isn't over, Kyle! I have NOT waited this long to see you weasel your way out of this bet! Go ahead and go. But I swear on my life! Before this day is over! You, will, suck my balls! I SWEAR IT!! Scene Description: Castle Sunshine. The battle rages on. Popeye punches Akuma away, then punches Khan away. Darth Maul whips out his double-ended light saber, but Popeye disarms him and punches him away. Morpehus lands a kick on Freddy Krueger. Morpheus: [calling out to the Council members on the bridge] I need more spinach for Popeye! [Freddy gets up and swipes at him, sending him into the air and onto his back. A Tron soldier dispatches Jason Voorhees with a swing of his spear] Tron Soldier: I-ee got one. I got him. [the Woodland Critters approach] Beary Bear: Hey there. [the soldier turns around and Bear Bear blows his head apart with two laser beam blasts from his eyes. The Woodland Critters cheer him on. ] Icarus: [flying in from the battlefield, lands on the bridge] We're losing the battle! There are simply too many of them! Aslan: Then the day is lost. Wonder Woman: Wait! Aslan, look! [Aslan looks over. Butters is thinking hard again, and Santa returns, as normal as he ever was. The Council members draw closer to Butters] Santa: What? What happened? Luke Skywalker: You did it, kid! Aslan: Quickly Santa! They need you on the battlefield! Santa: Huh? [discerns the situation] Oh, all right. [grabs a golden axe and leaps over the wall] Make way for Santa! [lands on the field below, then swings the axe at the Minotaur, who falls down. The axe stays buried in the ribs] Aslan: Now you see your potential, young creator. But there is still much more we need from you if we are to win this day! Scene Description: The Pentagon, day. Kyle arrives at a parking gate. Two armed guards are there, and three more guards are in the background in front of an entrance. Guard 2: [sees Kyle and aims his gun at him] This area is restricted, little boy. Kyle: Please, I need to talk to the people inside. They can't set off that nuke. Guard 2: Get behind the line with the other protesters! [Kyle looks, and it's the same group he saw on television moments before] Hippie 3: No nukes in our imagination, bro! Wooo! [the other hippies cheer him on] Kyle: Uhn, you don't understand! My friend is in Imaginationland! I can hear him in my head! Guard 2: You pot-smokin' hippies aren't gettin' through here, so back off! Hippie 4: Stop that nuke! Hippies: Stop that nuke! Hippies and Kyle: Stop that nuke! [Al Gore appears out of nowhere, making like he's Superman about to land] Al Gore: What's going on here? [no one says a word, and he "flies" around a bit more] The military has to do this! It's their only way to kill ManBearPig. ["flies" off] Scene Description: Castle Sunshine. The battle continues. A pegasus fights a witch while a flying monkey does battle with the flying giraffe. On the bridge, Butters keeps imagining new characters into existence. A yellow furry archer appears and shoots an arrow right off the bat, then fires a second one Aslan: Good, Butters. Now imagine some more archers on the castle walls! Butters: Huwhoa! [Perseus appears on the bridge with a bad wound on his left arm] Perseus: Aslan! We're losing the battle! Robin Hood: [with a bleeding wound on his right arm] We managed to fight off the vampires and werewolves, but... now our troops are being shot down by the Cavity Creeps. Aslan: Cavity Creeps? Cavity Creeps: [cutting through the field with their cavity drills] We make holes in teeth! We make holes in teeth! Wonder Woman: What can destroy the Cavity Creeps? Perseus: Only Crest Gel with Tartar Control. Aslan: [to Butters] Quickly! You must imagine a giant Crest Gel! [Butters thinks, and poof! There's a giant Crest Gel tube of toothpaste with arms and legs. Robin Hood and Perseus escort it to the battlefield] Robin Hood: Yes! Gandalf: His powers are getting stronger. We might just have a chance here. Archangel: Aslan, we've captured a spy! He was sneaking around the Gumdrop Forest! [down from above comes the archangel with Stan] Butters: Stan! [points him out to Aslan and walks to him] Hey look, I imagined Stan here! Stan: No, no! I got sucked through Operation Imagination Doorway at the Pentagon. Aslan: Project Imagination Doorway? [no one else has a clue either] Gandalf: Never mind! The battle is almost won! We can deal with him later. Stan: [stands next to Butters] No, no, you don't understand. There's a nuke. The government is about to level this entire place. Luke Skywalker: What? Butters: Wull why would they nuke Imaginationland? Stan: So the terrorists can't ever use it against us again. Aslan: We can get Imaginationland under control; the Chosen One just needs more time! Stan: The Chosen One? Butters: Yeah, it turns out I'm the Key. Scene Description: The portal at the Pentagon. The nuclear warhead is ready to be shot in. Computer: [a female voice] Missile launch sequence initiated. General Deckter: All right, people, I want this nuking done by the books. Tech 1: Sir, we have a security breach! General Deckter: What?! Tech 3: There's an Unauthorized Entry Alert, sir-it's coming from Sector Two! General Deckter: Sector 2? [The large window opposite the portal had been patched up, but cracks remain. Cartman crashes through the large window again, reversing the patches, and again lands on his back.] Cartman: [gets up] What the hell do you think you're doing declaring leprechauns aren't real?! General Deckter: What? Cartman: You just can't declare that imaginary things aren't real! Who are you to say what's real?! Think about it: is blue real? Is love really real? Lab Tech: Imaginary things are things made up by people, like Santa and Rudolph. Tom: Yeah, and they detract from real things, like Jesus. Tech 1: Maybe Jesus is imaginary too. Tom: Ooooh, you'd better not say that! You'll go to hell! Tech 7: It's possible that hell is also imaginary. Tech 2: Uh so then, we're about to nuke hell... that's a good thing, right? Personnel: [not all at once] Hell yeah, that's a good thing, yeah. Lab Tech: What if heaven is imaginary? We'd be nuking heaven. Tech 3: Yeah, but it wouldn't be real. Lab Tech 2: So it'd be all right. Cartman: Look, maybe they're all part of the same thing. Santa and Jesus and hell and- leprechauns. Maybe they're all real in the same wway, right? Tom: Santa Claus and leprechauns are imaginary, but Jesus and hell are real! Tech 3: Well then, what about Buddha? Tom: Well of course he's imaginary! Lab Tech 3: Awww, see? Now you're being intolerant, Tom. Tech 7: Am I real? General Deckter: All right, enough! Keep that kid out of the way and let's get back to the nuking at hand! Cartman: [two guards haul him away] No! Leprechauns are real, Goddammit! Scene Description: The Mall, on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, day. Kyle sits on some steps moping. Stan: [in Kyle's imagination] Kyle? Kyle, what happened? Kyle: Nothing. Stan: What?? Kyle: [stands up and moves around] Nothing happened! There's nothing I can do! [a man walking by looks at him for a few seconds] Stan: Dude, you can't let the government fire off that nuke! Kyle: They say they can do whatever they want because imaginary things aren't real! Stan: Well you have to convince them they are real! Kyle: No way, dude, then I'd have to suck Cartman's balls Stan: Whatever it takes, you have to do it, all right?! [Kyle sighs] Hang- hang on, Kyle, Jesus wants to talk to you. Kyle: Huh? [POV changes. The White House is seen in the distance] Jesus: Hello, Kyle? This is Jesus. Kyle: Oh boy... Jesus: What seems to be the problem, my child? Kyle: Jesus, I can't do anything. [a man walking down the steps stops to look, then continues walking.] I'm just a fourth grader going against the entire government. [Jesus falls silent] Uh, hello? Jesus? Luke Skywalker: No eh, hey Kyle, this is Luke Skywalker. Kyle: [dejected] Aah. Luke Skywalker: Look, I know this seems like an impossible task, but do you remember when I brought down the Death Star. I m, I mean, that seemed impossible too, right? Kyle: Yeah, I guess. Luke Skywalker: Uh okay, now, now hold on, because Superman is here and he wants to say something. [Kyle rolls his eyes around] Superman: Kyle, this is Superman. Kyle: Hi Superman. Superman: I know that saving people can be a big responsibility, but no matter what it takes, it's worth it. Kyle: [subdued] I know. Superman: You can do this, Kyle. How hang on, because Hercules wants to talk to you. Kyle: Oh God... Superman: Yes, God is here too. He's gonna talk to you right after Captain Crunch. Scene Description: Castle Sunshine. The battle rages on. Jesus fights a Xenomorph, but to no effect Jesus: Popeye, I need some help here! [a donkey wearing a sombrero walks by shooting at the Pac-Man monsters] Lollipop King: [being choked by an Imperial Stormtrooper] Popeye is being killed by Christmas Critters. [sure enough, the Critters hump on Popeye as Foxy Fox pisses on his face] Popeye: Gaw guguh, getskug off of me! Beary Bear: [sees something and leaves the other Critters] Hey, what is that? Scene Description: the battle ceases as Butters floats through inside a bubble, then resumes after he's gone Butters: More spinach for Popeye! [ten cans of spinach appear before Popeye in a pyramid] Imagine an M60 for Jesus! Jesus: [his sword turns into an M60 and the Xenomorph cowers] All right! Aslan: [on the bridge] The boy is doing it! Everything is going to be okay! Scene Description: The portal at the Pentagon. Just a little longer... Computer: Missile launch in one minute. Cartman: Goddamnit, you stupid assholes are going to ruin everything! General Deckter: Prepare for launch... Tech 1: Sir, we have a security breach! General Deckter: What?! Tech 3: There's an Unauthorized Entry Alert, sir-it's coming from Sector Two! General Deckter: Sector 2? [Kyle crashes through the part of the large window that was left intact and lands on his back. Cartman turns around] Cartman: Kyle? General Deckter: The hell are you doing back here?! Kyle: Listen, you don't have to do this! Our imaginations aren't running wild anymore. General Deckter: Why is it so easy for children to break into the Pentagon?! Kyle: You have to stop! General Deckter: If I'm not mistaken, you're the one who bet that leprechauns weren't real. So why do you care what happens? Kyle: Because I- [catches himself] I... Um... because I think... they are real. It's all real. Think about it. Haven't Luke Skywalker and Santa Claus affected your lives more than most real people in this room? I mean, whether Jesus is real or not, he... he's had a bigger impact on the world than any of us have. And the same could be said of Bugs Bunny and, a-and Superman and Harry Potter. They've changed my life, changed the way I act on the Earth. Doesn't that make them kind of "real." They might be imaginary, but, but they're more important than most of us here. And they're all gonna be around long after we're dead. So in a way, those things are more realer than any of us. [Cartman begins a slow clap, then speeds it up. The techs in the room join in and soon everyone is applauding Kyle's speech] General Deckter: Abort the sequence. [a tech flips the switch and the power to the missile is cut. The missile lowers to a resting state] Cartman: So Kyle, imaginary things are real, huh? Guess that means I did win the bet after all. And you know what that means, Kyle. [gloats] Kyle: Just let it go with your fucking balls, you fucking asshole!! Your friends have been in danger and all you care about it this stupid bet! Well I've decided, Cartman, even if we had a bet, that I am never sucking your balls, [forces Cartman to face him] you got that?! They can throw me in jail for the rest of my life, but I am [jab] never going to suck your balls, [jab] never!! So [jab] there!!! Al Gore: [walking through the sliding doors] What happened?! Why hasn't the missile gone off?! General Deckter: There's been an abort, Mr. Gore. Al Gore: [moves towards the switch] No! ManBearPig has to die! [presses buttons randomly] Tech 3: Oh Jesus no! [the portal activates and begins sucking everyone and everything into Imaginationland, including Cartman and Kyle... and the missile] Scene Description: Imaginationland, the battlefield outside Castle Sunshine. Lollipop King: That's it, Aslan! The evil characters have fled! Aslan: The day is ours! [screams are heard and bodies fall from the sky. Aslan and the others look up. Many of them land on the battlefield. Kyle lands on the bridge, face down] Stan: [approaches] Kyle! Butters: [approaches Cartman on the battlefield] Fellas! Where'd you come from? [a whistling sound is heard and everyone looks up] Zeus: What is that? [the missile comes down from the sky and blows up on the battlefield, killing everyone. The screen fills up with white ash. Moments later, Butters digs himself out of the ash and dusts himself off. He looks around and walks off to his left.] Butters: Huh... [with nothing but white around, he concentrates real hard and soon Imaginationland returns. The Barrier repairs itself, and all the imaginary characters reappear] Jesus: He did it! Fanciful Mayor: [poof] Oh look, I'm back! Luke Skywalker: Nice going, kid. [the other good imaginary characters congratulate him] Fanciful Mayor: The evil characters! They're all behind the wall again. Stan: Dude! How did you do that, Butters? Butters: Well I just... used my imagination. All: Awwww [everyone has a good laugh] Cartman: You know, I really have learned a lot, you guys. What Kyle said about imaginary things being real and, Butters using his imagination? It makes me think that... well maybe we all have the power to make things a reality. [he begins to think hard, and an imaginary version of himself appears, wearing the crown and robe from before.] Why look, it's me. And... [thinks again, and an imaginary Kyle appears] And there's Kyle. And, what's Kyle about to do? [the imaginary Kyle drops out of view] Kyle: Cartman, don't! Cartman: O-hoo Kyle! What are you doing to my balls? OHO, look! It's Kyle sucking my balls! [the imaginary Cartman is a little shocked] Stan: Dude. Lollipop King: Oh my God. Cartman: O-hoo Kyle, you are gobbling those balls, aren't you? I told you you would suck my balls before this was over, didn't I, Kyle? Kyle: I'm not sucking your balls; that's imaginary! Cartman: No- Kyle, I believe you said that imaginary things are real. General Deckter: That's true. You did. Cartman: Oh, look at you go, Kyle! Oho, you dirty girl! You LOVE those balls. [everyone but Kyle laughs] Santa: Okay, Kyle, that's enough ballsucking. We need to get you boys home. Kyle: I am not sucking Cartman's balls! Fanciful Mayor: Whatever you imagine to be real, is real. [everyone cheers that remark] Scene Description: Butters' room, morning. He's asleep. Steven: Butters? [Butters opens his eyes] Butters! Butters: [sits up] A-huh? What? Oh! It was all just a dream. Steven: Come on, Butters, time to get up. [walks in with newspaper in hand] Butters: Oh Dad! I had the craziest dream! I, I saved all of Imaginationland from running wild after a terrorist attack! Steven: You WERE in Imaginationland, Butters! We've read all about it in the paper! The question is, what were you doing in Imaginationland when you were supposed to be helping your mother clean up the basement?! Linda: You are grounded, mister! Butters: [dejected] Ohhh. [becomes determined] Wait, I'm not grounded. Steven: Oh yes you are! Butters: Oh yeah? [focuses real hard, then opens his eyes] Steven: That only works in Imaginationland! You're grounded! [backs out of the room. He and Linda leave, closing the door behind them] Butters: [thinks a bit, then lies down again] Ahhh, shit.

Scene Description: Stan's house, day. In the living room, Stan and Kyle stand before the TV with guitar controllers in their hands. Nine boys from class watch them from the sofa and the floor. A game starts up. Stan and Kyle immediately begin to play and the other boys begin to cheer them on. The song playing is "Wayward Son" Cartman: Stan, you guys are good! [Stan and Kyle more their right arms around during a power chord, then quickly return to playing. The score is 15,594 points and climbs quickly. Randy watches from the kitchen doorway] Scene Description: The kitchen. Sharon is washing dishes. Randy turns and walks towards her. Randy: [sounding tired] Sharon, what are the boys doing? Sharon: Oh, Stan and Kyle bought a new video game together. Randy: They can play guitar now? Sharon: No, no, they're just little plastic controllers. You hit the colored buttons and it makes the guitar track on the game play. Randy: Ohhh. Sharon: If they spent half the time learning a real instrument as they do playing that game, who knows what they could accomplish. Randy: Hey yeah... Scene Description: The living room. The round ends and the boys cheer. Stan: Dude, listen to that video crowd! They love us! [a shot of the cheering CG crowd on the TV] Randy: [walks up to Stan] So you boys like this music, huh? Kyle: Yeah, dude. Its Guitar Hero. Butters: Stan and Kyle are really good at it. Randy: <ï>Well you kids wanna see something really cool? [the boys pay attention] Check this out. [walks away and picks up an electric guitar, and plugs in the amplifier. He puts his right foot on top of the amplifier and begins to play "Wayward Son" a half-step up.] Once, I rose above the noise and confusion Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion. I was soaring ever higher But I flew too high. Though my eyes could see I- </ï> Stan: [irritated, interrupting] Dad? Dad! What are you doing?! Randy: [brightly] I can actually play a lot of these songs on a real guitar. You want me to teach you boys how? Cartman: Uhh, that's gay, Mr. Marsh. Stan: Yeah, that's stupid, Dad. Randy: But... But this is real. Cartman: Real guitars are for old people. Craig: Do you mind, sir? We wanna watch Stan and Kyle play. [Randy stands there a few seconds, disappointed that the boys aren't interested. He takes off the guitar, leans it against the amplifier, and walks away.] Stan: [turns back to the TV] Alright, let's try to score 60,000 points this time. [the game starts up with a new song, and the boys behind them begin to cheer again] Scene Description: Stan's house, night. Once everyone's asleep, Randy sneaks downstairs towards the couch. He looks around to make sure no one else is awake and waiting for him. He reaches the couch and picks up a controller, playing it a bit to start the game. M.C.: Are you ready to rock? ["Wayward Son" begins to play from the top, and Randy begins to move, slowly raising his right hand into a victory sign, then swinging his arm all the way around a few times] Kansas: <ï> "Carry on my wayward son There'll be peace when you are done Lay your weary head to rest Don't you cry no more" [the first guitar solo follows and Randy is playing terribly. The video crowd begins to boo him.]</ï> M.C.: Game over! You suck! [the words are displayed onscreen. Randy takes off the controller, sets it on the ground, and walks back to bed, leaving the TV on with the video crowd still booing him.] Scene Description: Stan's house, next day. The boys are back at Stan's house watching another round of Guitar Hero. "Wayward Son" gives way to another song. Butters: They're gonna do it! Cartman: [so relaxed his fat blocks his chin from view] Come on, guys, a hundred thousand points! Kyle: Cartman, shut up. We're concentrating. [the points pile up and they near 100,000. After a final flourish, their readouts combine into one, showing 100,000 points. The boys congratulate Stan and Kyle] M.C: You have broken a hundred thousand points! You. Are. Rock stars! Stan: Dude, we are total rock stars now! Randy: [walks in with beer and slurred speech] You're not rock stars! This is just a stupid plastic controller! [the doorbell rings] Stan: [takes off his controller and goes to answer the door] Hang on. Man: Stan Marsh? Stan: Yeah? Man: I'm Charles Kincade, from the Kincade Talent Agency? I just heard you broke a hundred thousand points on Guitar Hero. Stan: Yeah, we did. [smiles] Mr. Kincade: Well i'm impressed. [steps inside and gives him a business card] And I'd like to be your manager. Stan: Wow, really?? [smiles an open smile] Dude! Dude, Kyle, this guy wants to be our manager! Randy: No way! Kyle: For reals? [smiles] Mr. Kincade: Scoring a hundred thousand points is amazing, but I think with the right label behind you, you guys could make a million points. Stan: That'd be awesome! Mr. Kincade: So, we're in business then? [Stan and Kyle look at each other, then grin as "Wayward Son" plays] Scene Description: A producer's office, day. Mr. Kincade is snapping his fngers to "Wayward Son" as a producer listens. Stan and Kyle watch him, then Stan looks at Kyle. Kyle grimaces. Mr. Kincade: Well, what do you think? Producer: I like it. That's these boys playing? Mr. Kincade: [stops the tape] No, that's Kansas. But these boys scored a hundred thousand points to it on Expert Level in Co-op Mode. Producer: That's pretty Goddamned impressive. [rises and serves himself a drink] Alright, we'll sign them to a one-year deal. [Stan and Kyle smile to this news as Mr. Kincaid stands behind them] Mr. Kincade: [pumps his fist] Yes! You did it, boys. Producer: Listen, boys, I'm having a huge celebrity party at my giant mansion tonight. Why don't you come by as my honorary new artists? Stan, Kyle: Cool! [smile openly] Scene Description: The producer's mansion, night. Limos pull into the circular driveway in front of the mansion, drop off guests, and pull away. Inside is a large crowd of local celebrities. In the pool, two topless women splash each other with water and giggle. One blond celebrity is snorting a mountain of coke Stan: Wow, this is a huge party. Producer: Oh yes, all the biggest stars in Colorado are here. Stan: Dude, dude, that's Ron Zappolo from Channel 4 News! [Ron Zappolo is shown - an elderly gent with gray hair and mustache] Kyle: Wow! Oh, and look over there, that's that Jake Jabs guy from American Furniture Warehouse commercials. [Jabs is shown with a white tiger on his lap and two women around him] Producer: Everyone? Everyone, this is Stan and Kyle. They just broke a hundred thousand points on Guitar Hero. [ooo's and applause follow. Stan and Kyle grin] Please enjoy yourselves, there's lots more coke and sex in the house. Stan: Dude! Dude, that's Jay Cutler over there! [a football player wearing #6 is shown] Quarterback for the Denver Broncos! Kyle: Oh my God! Producer: Would you boys like to meet him? Stan: Are you serious?? Producer: Jay, I want you to meet Stan and Kyle. They broke a hundred thousand points on Guitar Hero. Jay: Wow, really? Nice to meet you guys. Stan: Nice to meet you! [grins] I mean, you kind of suck, but my dad says you might be good someday. Jay: [a bit bothered] Thanks... Guest: Alex, have you seen my wife anywhere? Producer: You boys know Tom Shane from the Shane Company Diamond Store commercials? Kyle: Do we? He's a legend! Producer: You remember these boys, Tom. They're gonna break a million points live at the video arcade in a few weeks. Tom Shane: That, would be impressive. Kyle: [takes Stan aside] Dude, we've arrived. We're super, awesome, and cool. Stan: Yeah. Life is finally going to not suck so hard for us. Scene Description: Stan's house, day. Mr. Kincade rocks out on the couch watching Stan and Kyle play Guitar Hero. The boys hit 152,626 points M.C.: You Rock! Mr. Kincade: [clapping] All right, nice rehearsal, boys. Kyle: D-ude, I totally miffed that middle part. Did you see that? Stan: Yeah dude, that's almost impossible. Mr. Kincade: That was real cool, kids. Hey, Kyle, there's a different controller in my car that might work better for you. Why don't you go with Jim and he'll help you find it. [an assistant dressed in jogging outfit joins him behind Kyle] Kyle: Oh, okay. Cool. [takes off his controller and follows Jim out] Mr. Kincade: [sighs] You've got real potential, kid. I have no doubt you can break a million. Stan: Really? That'd be sweet. Mr. Kincade: [turns around and points to Stan] I think you could. But uh, as for your friend, well, to be honest, I think he's holding you back. Stan: What, you mean, Kyle? Mr. Kincade: Look, you score a lot higher than him; there's no question who the better one is. I wanna put you with some other players, find a partner for you who can really help you max your score. Stan: But, Kyle and I always play together. We both chipped in for the game system. Mr. Kincade: [crosses his arms] Very honorable. But you know where loyalty gets you in a game like Guitar Hero? Nowheres. Just listen to that video crowd. [a shot of the video crowd cheering] I haven't heard a video crowd go that wild in a long time. You've got a chance to score a million points, and I hate to see you throw it away because you're worried about your friend's feelings. Scene Description: Café Monet, day. Mr. Kincade and Stan are outside at a table sipping coffee. Mr. Kincade: You're gonna love this kid, Stan. He's one of the best Guitar Hero players I've ever seen. Except for you, of course. [sees someone] Ah, Thad! [a boy about Stan's age approaches the table and takes a seat. He wears a controller on his back] Stan Marsh, this is Thad Jarvis. Thad: Sup? [an air of superiority is suggested by his tilting his head back] Mr. Kincade: That here has backed up a lot of really great Guitar Hero players. Isn't that right, Thad? [puffs on a cigar] Thad: Yup. Mr. Kincade: He doesn't even need a game system to play on. He can play Guitar Hero acoustically. Stan: Yeah, but can he play Buckethead on Expert Level? Mr. Kincade: Go ahead, Thad. Show him what you can do. [Thad stands on his chair, swings his controller around, and puts his right foot on the table.] Check this out. [All that is heard are the clicks of plastic on plastic] Pretty damn good, huh? Stan: Yeah, that's pretty good. But can you play "John the Fisherman"? [Thad stops and launches into that song] Mr. Kincade: Stan, with this kid backing you, you're gonna make Guitar Hero history. Male Diner: Ohoh, I love this song. [the other diners seem to understand the song the clicks are supposed to be making and begin to clap] Scene Description: Stan's house, later. Guitar Hero starts up and the boys are gathered near the couch watching Stan and... Thad. A song comes on and Stan and Thad begin to play. The boys cheer them on as the score nears 500,000 Butters: Wow wee, look at him go! Kyle: [enters the house] Hey dude, how's it-? [he has his new controller, but he's dismayed at what he sees. The boys look at him and the game is shut off] Stan: ...Kyle. ...I, I thought you were sick. Butters: [into his hands, in a low hoarse voice.] Uh ohhh. Kyle: [walks up to Stan] Who is this? Stan: This is um, Thad Jarvis. Thad: Sup? Kyle: Ahem, wha? What's going on, Stan? Stan: Kyle, I was gonna tell you later. Mr. Kincaid thinks I should play with Thad for a while. Kyle: But it's our game. We bought it together. Stan: I know, and, and I wanna be fair about it, so, I'll buy you out of your part. Kyle: Buy me out?! What are you saying?! What makes you so high and mighty you can buy me out?! Stan: Don't put this all on me, Kyle! Cartman: Oh my God this is so awesome. Stan: You were the one that's been blowing off playing after midnight, not playing 'cause you were sick,- Kyle: I have been sick! Stan: Look, the point is I'm never gonna break a million points playing with you! You know that's true! Kyle: [stunned for a few seconds] I guess I didn't realize it was just about the points. [drops his controller next to Stan and walks out of the house, closing the door behind him] Craig: Dude, this game rules. Stan: Let's just do this, all right? [a new round begins and Stan and Thad resume playing] Scene Description: EV Games. Guitar Hero advertising is plastered all over the windows. Stan enters the store. He walks over to the magazine rack and begins browsing Brett: Hey! You're the kid I sold the Guitar Hero game to. How are you likin' it? Stan: It's okay, I guess. But I need some game guides for it. My manager and producer set up this live thing at the video arcade where I'm supposed to break a million in front of everybody and I'm I'm stressing out. Brett: Yeah, Guitar Hero can be pretty stressful. But you know, maybe instead of a game guide, you should just buy another game to kind of ...ease the stress. Stan: [approaches the counter with a Guitar Hero game guide] Huh? Brett: Have you ever heard of... [pulls out a different game from under the counter] Heroin Hero? Stan: Hero-Heroin Hero? Brett: It's a way easier game. All you do is run around a magical forest and shoot simulated heroin. You could call it the ultimate first-person shooter. Stan: And there's no score? No crowds? Brett: [his voice gets soft and mellow as he speaks] No man. All you do is run through the pretty forest and chase a big dragon. But you don't ever catch the dragon. You just... keep chasing it. Scene Description: Stan's house, day. He's playing Heroin Hero, which just consists of his character shooting heroin into his right arm. Each shot moves him forward a few steps, but he's no closer to the dragon. The Dragon: Chase me. Come on. This way. Shoot up and then you can catch me. Come on. Stan: [playing quietly] Dude, this is awesome. Scene Description: Gamecraft Arcade, day. Stan and Thad are at the arcade version of Guitar Hero; Stan is showing frustration. The song they're playing to is "I Wanna Be Sedated". Mr. Kincaid watches them as the producer approaches Producer: How are they coming? Mr. Kincade: No worries, Mr. Hart. They'll be ready for the big show in a few days Mr. Hart: They'd better be. I paid good money to rent this place out. [walks away. On the game screen, Stan's character is missing his notes and flailing about] Stan: Ugh. Damint. Thad: Dude, sup. Did you practice last night? Stan: [frustrated] Yeah, I practiced last night! Just shut up and play! [misses some more notes] No no, you know what?! Screw this! [the music stops] I'm not playing this song! Why did you pick this stupid song?! Mr. Kincade: Stan, it's the song we all agreed you would play. Stan: Yeah? Well I changed my mind! We're changing the song to Cheap Trick! Thad: No way. I hate that bubblegum crap. Stan: Yeah? Well you're not the leader, are you, Thad?! We play the music I wanna play! Mr. Kincade: Stan, why are you so grumpy-grouchy? Stan: We're playing what I want, and I'll select a different song! Thad: Yeah? Well how about this one? I quit. [drops his controller] I quit I quit I quit. [turns around and walks away] I quit I quit I quit. I quit. I quit I quit. Stan: You know what? That's great with me, Thad, 'cause I don't need you to break a million points! I never did! Mr. Kincade: Stan, what is the matter with you? Stan: I just wanna play alone, alright?! I can't concentrate with all these assholes riding me all the time! [Mr. Kincaid notices that Stan's tote bag is open and looks inside. He pulls out Heroin Hero] Mr. Kincade: What is this? Stan: Man... Mr. Kincade: Are you playing Heroin Hero? Stan: Just, just a little. Mr. Kincade: No! [stands up] Nobody plays Heroin Hero just a little! You know, you never catch the dragon! Stan: I know, but it mellos me out, okay?! Mr. Kincade: You'd better pull your act together, because now you're gonna have to break a million points and unlock superstardom solo! Stan: No problem. Scene Description: A bowling alley, day. The exterior is a bit run-down, with strips of plastic pulling away from the roof. A sign by the street has "WE HAVE GUITAR HERO" on it, the R falling off. "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" plays. Inside, some people are bowling while others sit at tables being depressed. The camera rests on Kyle playing along on his guitar controller. Two kids walk up to Kyle. The place is called Mick's Lanes Older Boy: Hey, beat it, kid! We wanna play now! Kyle: I'm not done yet. Younger Boy: Hey, I know you. You're Kyle Broflovski. Didn't you used to have your own Guitar Hero game system? Kyle: No. You're thinking of somebody else. Younger Boy: Yeah, sure. He's the kid that scored a hundred thousand points. Older Boy: How come you're playing here now? Kyle: Look, just go ahead and play, alright? [gets off the stool and walks away] Leave me alone. [walks up to the bar and takes a seat] Can I get a Fresca, please? Mick: You're good at that game, Kid. Too good to be playing in a dump like this. Kyle: Yeah well, I can't really afford to play anymore anyway. I'm about out of quarters. Mick: Well look, maybe I can use some extra music playing to this thing on weekend nights. You come in, work around here a little and... maybe you can play it for free. Kyle: I appreciate what you're trying to do, Mick, but I ain't a charity case yet. Mick: Ehhh, charity case eh, I'm just trying to help out a kid who's a little... down on his luck is all. Kyle: Thanks, Mick. Scene Description: Heroin Hero, onscreen at Stan's house, day. The Dragon: Catch me. Come on, catch me. [Stan is passed out on the couch with snacks all around him. Some knocks and the doorbell are heard, but Stan doesn't move] What's wrong? Follow me. Come on. [The door opens and Mr. Kincaid comes in] Mr. Kincade: Marsh? Stan, you got- [notices Stan passed out] Oh my God! [runs over to him and shakes him hard] Get up, Stan! Wake up! Stan: Huh? What, uh? Mr. Kincade: You're going on in ten minutes! Everybody's coming to see you! Stan: The dragon. Where did it go? Mr. Kincade: [slaps Stan twice across the face] You've gotta pull it together! [shakes him hard again, then sees a glass of water nearby and throws the water at him, them shakes him hard again] Pull it together, Goddammit! Scene Description: Gamecraft Arcade, night. The boys are there waiting for Stan to start playing. A couple stands behind them waiting as well. Mr. Kincade: Thank you for coming to Gamecraft Arcade to watch Stan Marsh break a million points and unlock superstardom. [the boys cheer Stan on.] Token: Go Stan! Cartman: All right, Stan, you've got it, man! Token: Yeah, Stan! Craig: Dude, what's the matter with him? Butters: He's been up for three days straight playing Heroin Hero. [Stan staggers slowly] Come on, Stan! You got it! Mr. Kincade: Goddamnit, he's a mess! [Stan is moving around, but he's missing all the notes] Craig: Oh man, I can't watch this. Mr. Kincade: What are you doing?! The video crowd is starting to boo! [a shot of the video crowd booing] Cartman: Come on guys. Let's get out of here. [the boys leave, as to the couples and other spectators, leaving Stan alone with Mr. Kincade. Mr. Hart approaches Mr. Kincade.] Mr. Hart: The next time you bring me some talent, make sure they're talent-ed. [walks away. Stan stumbles and finally falls face first, throwing up] Mr. Kincade: You blew it! You had it all and you blew it! Listen to that video crowd! They hate you! [walks away. More shots of the video crowd booing. Stan looks at the crowd and begins seeing double] Scene Description: EV Games, day. Brett the clerk is reading a magazine. Stan walks in, his head hanging real low, and walks to a game stand Brett: There he is! So, did you break a million yet? Stan: No, I didn't break a million points and unlock superstardom, all right? I'm done with that stupid game! Brett: Aw, come on. Once you start playing Guitar Hero, you can't stop till you reach the top. Stan: I just wanna find something else to play. Brett: Have you played... [whips out a new game] Rehab Hero? You get chased by a big dragon, but you keep running away from it. Stan: I just want a nice, simple... driving game. How about that? Brett: Sssure kid. Sure. [brings out a Cross Country Cruiser game] Scene Description: Stan's house, day. He's now playing Cross Country Cruiser. A radio is next to him, and in it a song ends. Radio Host: All right, that was the Splendifs. And now here's a hit you all remember. It's a song that two local fourth grade boys scored a hundred thousand points to on Guitar Hero. [Stan is startled] Don't know whatever happened to those boys. I Guess... they're not playing the game anymore. Scene Description: "Wayward Son" begins to play and Stan gets immersed in the game. A shot of Stan and Kyle playing Guitar Hero floats by. Stan then steps on the brake, stopping his video car. He thinks hard about what to do next. After a few seconds, a look of determination shows up and he goes into reverse, looking back over his shoulder as if he were driving a real car. Scene Description: Mick's Bowling Lanes, day. The sign now says: KILE BARFFLOSKI ON GUITAR HERO. Inside, Kyle is at the Guitar Hero setup playing along to another song. Skid Row: <ï> "Woke up to the sound of pouring rain The wind would whisper and I'd think of you And all the tears you cried, that called my name [Stan walks in and approaches Kyle. Kyle sees him and turns his back to him] And when you needed me I came through"</ï> Stan: Kyle, could I just talk to you for like five minutes? Kyle: What are you doing here? ["I paint a picture of the days gone by"] Stan: Please, it- it won't take long. Kyle: Goddamnit. We're gonna take a short break. Be back in five. ["When love went blind and you would make me see." Kyle walks over to the bar and serves himself some Fresca] Stan: I was listening to you for a while. Dude, you've gotten a lot better. ["I'd stare a lifetime into your eyes"] Kyle: Oh, thank you! I was so eagerly awaiting your approval of my abilities! ["So that I knew you were there for me"] Stan: Look, Kyle, the game is still set up at my house and, maybe we could go try playing it again over there. Kyle: Oh, so the gallant knight now comes to rescue me from the bowels of mediocrity! Oh, thank you, your royal lordship! ["Time after time you were there for me"] Stan: That isn't it at all. ["Remember yesterday - walking hand in hand"] Kyle: You don't get it, Stan! I can play here all I want. I even get free Frescas. I don't need you anymore! ["Love letters in the sand - I remember you"] Stan: I know. I need you. [Kyle glances over his shoulder, then turns around to face Stan] I thought I was having a great time because I was getting signed by managers and, going to big sex and coke parties, but, then I realized, I was having fun because I was doing all that... [turns around and face Kyle] ...with my best friend. Kyle: It was pretty fun, wasn't it? Stan: [awkwardly] Yeah. Kyle: Look, I doubt we could break a million together anyway. Stan: I don't care. I'd just like to play with you again. For the fun of it. Kyle: I don't really see the fun in... [turns around with fire in his eyes] ...not trying to kick that game's ass once and for all! Stan: What, you mean it? Kyle: I think we can do it, Stan. I've been close to a million a few times by myself. Stan: [pats Kyle on the shoulder] Then let's go, dude! [walks forward. Kyle follows.] Kyle: [stops abruptly] Oh wait. Wait, I'm supposed to play here. [turns around and face Mick] Hey, Mick, w-would you mind if I stepped out for a sec? Mick: Go on, get out of here, kid. Who needs your wailin' and rockin' around here anyways? Kyle: Thanks, Mick! [turns left and walks out. Stan follows him.] Scene Description: Stan's house, day. Stan and Kyle walk up to Stan's house. Stan opens the door and they enter the living room Stan: All right, dude, let's do this. [Kyle's jaw drops and Stan is annoyed] What the hell? [what greets them is Randy on the couch in his underwear. Around him are a pizza slice, a bucket of chicken, a case of S'mores Schnapps, and other items. Randy is playing Heroin Hero] Randy: Ahhh, Ahhhhhhh. The Dragon: Come on, come on. You almost got me. Catch me. Come on. Stan: Aw Goddammit! Dad, get off our Xbox! Randy: Hang on, I almost caught the dragon. The Dragon: Hehe, you almost caught me. Stan: No, me and Kyle are gonna play Guitar Hero! Randy: [sits up] I can get him! Wait! Where's he going now? Stan: You don't ever catch the dragon, Dad! [turns off the console] Randy: NOO! NOOO I SAID! I AM YOUR FATHER! PUT IT BACK ON! Stan: Mom, will you get Dad out of here? Scene Description: The neighborhood park. Cartman, Kenny, Clyde, Craig, and Token are playing basketball. Craig has the ball and shoots at the basket. The shot is good. Cartman: Stop cheating, Craig! [pushes Craig from behind] Craig: How was that cheating! Cartman: 'Cause you tricked me, you black asshole! Butters: Fellas! Fellas! They're gonna do it! Cartman: What? Butters: Stan and Kyle! They're about to break a million on Guitar Hero, and unlock superstardom! [Butters runs back. After some thought, the other boys run after him] The Boys: Oh, let's go! Cone on, let's go! Scene Description: Stan's house, day. Stan and Kyle are playing again. Kevin, Jimmy, and a third boy are already present. The other boys enter and jimmy makes room for them to see the action Butters: They're gonna do it! [they finally break the million] Craig: They did it! Jimmy: Oh my sweet J-Jesus! M.C.: You have played Guitar Hero enough to reach one million points! Congratulations! You. Are. FAGS. [the video crowd cheers] Stan: That's it? Kyle: Goddammit! God dammit! [walks away pissed off. Stan takes off his controller and looks at it, drops it to the floor, and follows after Kyle] Cartman: Butters, you wanna play me next? [picks up Stan's controller and puts it on] Butters: Heh, okay, but I get to be the one that betrays you after the sex and drug party. [picks up Kyle's controller and puts it on, and both of them get to playing.]

Scene Description: The school cafeteria. It looks like it's been remodeled. At the table at center sit Kyle, Stan, Craig, Kenny, Cartman, Clyde, and Token. Butters: [runs towards the table breathlessly] Fellas! Fellas! It's- Oh my god! You're not gonna believe this! Stan: Dude, Butters, calm down. Butters: Okay. [takes a gulp of air and looks around] Okay. I was talking to Pete Wetchney, and he said that Danny Chadwick said that his sister told him that the girls in our class have a list that rates every boy's looks from cutest to ugliest. Craig: So who do they say is the cutest? Butters: I dunno. Token: Who do they say is the ugliest? Butters: I don't know. I-it's like a girl thing. They won't let anybody see the list but them. [turns around and looks at them. The other boys look as well. Nearby, the girls chat among themselves, notice the boys, then laugh. Bebe holds up a notebook] Cartman: [mad] They can't do that. Who are they to judge us on how we look? Stan: Yeah. You think they rate us just for looks, or they take personality into account? Clyde: If it's just looks then I think I'm safe. Kyle: You guys, who cares if the girls make some stupid list? Girls make dumb lists all the time. Cartman: [with a double cheeseburger in his left hand] Yeah, Kyle's right. Screw it; we have better things to worry about. Craig: You're just saying that because you know you're gonna be very last on the list! Cartman: Oh please, I don't think so, Craig! Chicks think I'm way hotter than you! Craig: You don't think they put the fat tub of lard at the bottom? Cartman: No, because chicks know I'm not fat, I'm buff! They probably put you at the bottom of the list 'cause you have fucked-up teeth! Or Kenny 'cause he's poor. Kenny: (They didn't put me at the bottom, did they?) Cartman: Kenny, face it: Girls don't wanna eat Pop Tarts for dinner every night when they get married. Butters: You don't think they said I'm the ugliest boy in the class, do ya? Well if they did, my parents will ground me. Kyle: You guys, do you really care what a bunch of girls have to say about how you rank in looks?! [the boys look at each other for a few seconds] Scene Description: The hallway, after lunch. Bebe's at her locker. Cartman leads a small group of boys to her. Cartman: All right, Bebe, let's see the list. Bebe: [turns her head to look at him] What? Cartman: You know what I'm talking about, bitch! The list where you rate the looks of each boy in the class! Bebe: That's not for boys to look at! It's a secret girl list and YOU can't see it! Cartman: Craig is on the bottom, right? Or is it Kenny 'cause you'd be eating Pop Tarts for dinner if you married him? Bebe: I'm not... [slams her locker door shut] telling! And anyway, I'm not the list keeper, Nelly is! And Nelly will never let you look at it, so there! [sticks her tongue out and blows a raspberry at him, then walks away] Cartman:: [blows a strong raspberry back and flips her off] Fuck you, Bebe! Fuck it, bitch! Butters: [disappointed] Well, I guess we're never gonna get that list from the girls. Cartman: Screw that, dude! We're guys. We can out think them. Scene Description: Cartman's house, after school. In his basement, he shares his plan with some of the other fourth grade boys. Cartman: All right, here's what we know. That chick Nelly is the one who's in charge of holding the list, right? She apparently keeps it in a purple Pee Chee folder, and we need a plan to get it from her. [points to a chalkboard with his plan on it] This is what I call "Operation: Cannot Possibly Fail". [a map with routes of the plan laid out] Butters: [happily taking notes] Neat-o! Cartman: At 1 PM tomorrow, Nelly will have to walk from Home Ec to Social Studies. That's our best time to strike. As she makes her way through Hallway 3, Craig will be ready with a distraction device here. [upper center part of the map] When she stops and turns to Craig in the hallway, Butters will run up and kick her in the balls. Butters: [cheerfully] Okay! Cartman: Once Butters kicks her in the balls, she'll fall to the floor, dropping the Pee Chee, and Kenny will swoop in from Corridor 3-Delta, and grab the Pee Chee. Are we good? Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Nelly walks down the hall as the 1 PM bell rings. As she walks, Craig blows through a paper bullhorn. Nelly looks over her right shoulder and Butters runs up and kicks her in the groin. Nelly: Ow! What'dja do that for?! [Butters looks down and kicks her in the groin again] Hey, what's your problem, asshole?! [Butters is stunned that his kicks have no effect on her] Cartman: Bail, bail! [he and Kenny take off] Scene Description: Cartman's house, after school. He stands next to his revised plan, "Operation: Cannot Possibly Fail A Second Time". Cartman: Okay, our mission failed, but we've learned a lot. Primarily that girls do not have balls. Butters: [shown with a black right eye and his right arm in a sling] They sure don't. Cartman: Never mind, because we are going to Plan B, one that I call "Operation: Cannot Possibly Fail A Second Time". When Nelly leaves the cafeteria for recess, Kenny will jump in front of her and spit on the ground. Butters: You think maybe girls keep their balls on the inside of their tummies? Cartman: Butters, we're done talkin' about girls' balls right now! Pay attention! [continues] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The school bell rings. Token is walking down the hall when Kenny, Cartman, Craig and Butters run past him. He and the other kids in the hall look on. Cartman: We got it! We got it! [next shot is of Stan at his locker as Craig runs by] Craig: We got the list from the girls! [the other boys take pursuit: Stan, Token, Jimmy, Clyde, Tweek, Bill, and two others. Two sixth graders and some kindergartners watch from the far end of the hall] Nelly: [chasing after the boys] Give that back you dirty buttholes! [the boys run into the boys' room] Cartman: Tape it to the wall, Kenny! Jason, watch the door! [Kyle is washing his hands, but he turns to see what's going on] Clyde: All right, hurry! Get it up there! Let's see it! A Boy: Hurry hurry! Craig: Whoa, what's this thing? Where am I? Clyde: What number am I on? A Boy: Is it set up? Stan: It's listed in order from cutest to ugliest. Clyde's number one. Clyde: Me? [smiles] I'm the cutest? [grins] Stan: And then Token, and then me. Token: I'm number two? Wow. Butters: [making his way to the front] Come on, let me see! Let me see! [looks at the list and begins to scan it for his own name, then finds it] Oh boy! I'm number 11! Whoopie! Number 11! [runs out of the bathroom as a few boys wonder why he's so happy about it] Craig: Ah! Look at that! I'm hotter than you, fatso! [he's #12 while Cartman is #15] Cartman: What?! That's bullcrap! [Kenny moves up past Cartman and looks for his name. He finds himself at #7] Kenny: (Woohoo!) [moves off] Kyle: Oh, so big deal, guys! Do you feel better now? Clyde's the best looking kid in the class. And then Token and Stan, and last is Francis, Cartman, and... [finds himself at #16, the last one on the list. His head drops a little] Me? Cartman: You're last, dude! [laughs heartily] Kyle: No way. Cartman: Yes way! Check it out! [laughs heartily] Stan: Cartman, lay off! You're next to last. Cartman: So? I'm hotter than Kyle. [makes his way through the crowd and out of the bathroom] I'm better looking than Kyyyle! [the other boys join him out except for Stan and Kyle] Yes! I'm hotter than Kyyyle! I'm hotter than Kyyyle! Kyle: I'm last? Last? Stan: Dude, it's just a stupid list, remember? Kyle: I got voted the ugliest boy in the whole class? Stan: Who cares what dumb girls think, right? [realizes there's no consolation now and walks away. Kyle stays there looking at the list. Alone. All alone. All alone in the boys' room] Scene Description: Butters' house, day. He makes it home and runs into the kitchen. In the living room are three pairs of snow boots. Butters: Mom, Dad! I'm not the ugliest kid in the class! Kyle Broflovski is! Stephen: [holding a smoking pipe with his right hand and reading the Denver Post] Well good for you, Butters. Linda: Way to go, champ. Butters: Whoopie! [flies off to his room] Stephen: Well, guess we don't have to ground him. Scene Description: Kyle's house, evening. The family's at dinner, but Kyle isn't eating. He's still depressed. Sheila: Kyle, what's the matter? You barely touched your knishes. Kyle: The... girls at school. They made a list and voted me the ugliest boy. Sheila: What? That's ridiculous. My little bubbeleh is adorable! Kyle: Look, I know I'm not the best-looking guy in town, but I-I didn't think I was the very ugliest. Sheila: You're not ugly, Kyle. You're my perfect little man. You look just like your father. [Gerald looks at Kyle and flashes a smile] Kyle: Oh God! I do? Gerald: But he has his mother's nose. Kyle: [slaps both hands on his own nose] Ah! Sheila: Kyle, you are very handsome and perfect in every way. Kyle: Ike, Ike, you have to be honest. Am I ugly, yes or no? [Ike looks at him, then at their parents, then back at him. Kyle takes this to mean yes, and so leaves his chair] You ALL think I'm ugly. Jesus Christ, the least you could have done is told me! Sheila: Kyle, come back here! [a door slams shut] Scene Description: Kyle's bedroom, night. Kyle is in his pajamas, in his bed, under the covers. He still can't get over the list. He hears a knock at his window and looks over: it's Cartman. Cartman: I'm better looking than you! [knocks on the window again] The girls think I'm better looking than you, Kyle! [Kyle sighs, stands on his bed, and pulls on a drawstring to close the curtains. Cartman moves with the curtain until he can no longer see inside Kyle's room] Dude, Kyle! Can you hear me? They totally think I'm hotter than you are! [knocks] Kyle! Kyle, I'm more attractive! [knocks again. The curtain is fully closed and Kyle goes back to sleep] Kyle? Scene Description: Clyde's house. He's looking at himself in a full-length mirror in nothing but briefs. Betsy: [checking in on Clyde] Clyde, it's time to be getting to bed. [Clyde looks at his mom, who closes the door, then turns back to the mirror] Clyde: [raises his right eyebrow and knits his left one, then strikes a pose] Hey, what's goin' on? [looks at himself from the side] What's goin' on? Hey. [checks out his ass and then strikes another pose] Oh yeah, hey, whassup? What's goin' on? Nice. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Kyle walks down the hall holding his notebook close. The other kids laugh as he walks by. He stops when he sees Clyde testing his moves. Clyde: Hey, what's goin' on? Two Girls: Hey Clyde. Clyde: Hey. Anne: Hi Clyde. Clyde: What's goin' on? [Kyle is dismayed, but he hears Butters running up to him] Butters: [laughing] Hey ugly! [runs off. Kyle then walks forward] Clyde: [stops him] Hey, Kyle. Look man, it doesn't matter what people think, okay? [Kyle remains sad] You know, Abraham Lincoln was super ugly too, but look what he accomplished. [Kyle is no happier] Chin up, cowboy. [leaves to talk to a girl nearby] Hey, what's goin' on? [the girl smiles] Girl: Oh, not much, just hanging around- Butters: [returns to taunt Kyle some more] Hehehe. Hey, nice... nice ears, haha. Pizza Face! [runs off laughing] Clyde: Butters, that's not cool, man. [takes off after him] He can't help how he looks. [the girl walks away] Cartman: [walks up] Kyle, I was going to suggest that maybe you should... hang out with the other ugly kids in the school. Because if you hang out with them, you won't stand out so much. Right? [Kyle stays mum, as before] Cool. [walks away. A few seconds later, Kyle's eyes pop open] Scene Description: The school cafeteria, day. Three ugly kids are shown eating slowly - two boys and a girl between them. Across from them are a fat ugly girl and another ugly boy. Kyle walks up and sits between these two. Blonde Boy: Hey. Kyle: Hello. [the girl takes a sip of her milk, then lowers the carton] Bushy Eyebrows Boy: [with bushy eyebrows] Are you going to eat your pickle? [Kyle just picks it up and hands it to him. The boy takes it and starts eating it, slowly] Scene Description: The playground, later. As the other kids play various games, the five ugly kids and Kyle sit on the steps by an entrance. Butters runs around in his #11 shirt laughing merrily. Craig: Could somebody toss the football back? It's over there next to the ugly kids. [the ugly kids just watch quietly. Kyle is more and more depressed] Big-Eared Boy: I hate coming to this school. It makes me angry. Kyle: Yeah. Big-Eared Boy: Sometimes I just want to burn it down. Burn the whole school down to the ground! Kyle: [leans away, then stands up] No. You know what? Screw this! We aren't ugly! Fat Girl: We're not? Kyle: No! Maybe we all just need a little image change, you know? Like a makeover. Bushy Eyebrows Boy: Hey yeah. Kyle: [to the girl wearing glasses] Like you! Maybe you just need to let your hair down. And let's see how you look without those glasses. [removes them, and is met with tiny little eyes. The girl smiles after a few seconds] Let's just... put those back on. [puts them back on the girl, goes back to the steps, sits down and buries his head in his arms with a sigh. A few seconds later, Stan walks by and stops. He looks at the group helplessly. A few seconds later, he walks up to the merry-go-round, where Wendy, Lola, and Red are chatting] Lola: I know, that song is so awesome. [Red notices him] Stan: Uh, Wendy. Could I talk to you? Wendy: Of course, Stan. [the other two girls smile] Stan: Just for a minute. Over here. [takes her aside, to a tree nearby] Lola: [to Red] You think he's gonna beg her to come back to him? Wendy: This is a nice surprise. I thought you were never speaking to me again. Stan: Yeah well, I wanna talk to you about this list you girls made. Wendy: Which one? We make lists all the time. Stan: The one where you rated the boys' looks in the class. Look, it really messed Kyle up, okay? How could you vote him the ugliest? Wendy: [walks off a bit] Well, personally, I didn't vote him the ugliest. My vote was for Eric Cartman. But enough of the other girls must have felt he was- Stan: [walks up next to her] So it wasn't unanimous. Maybe you can just change the list. Wendy: Change the list?! Do you have any idea what that would take?! Maybe you don't understand how important list-making is to girls! It's not just something we do flippantly! There's protocol! Stan: Can't we just talk to all the girls who made the list and find out why they voted Kyle last? Wendy: [thinks for a moment] All right, I'll try and get you into our next list-making meeting. But it won't be easy. Scene Description: The girls' meeting room, day. The room is pink, with pink bows here and there. Lists and drawings are everywhere on the walls. Two tables, each seating seven people, face each other. Between them is a smaller table seating two, and a judge's bench. Wendy is already present with Stan when the other girls file in and take their seats. Bebe is presiding. Bebe: Today's list meeting is called to order. Rebecca, you have the floor. Red: If it pleases and sparkles I suggest we continue deliberations on List 47D: Which Girl Has The Cutest Purse? Bebe: Rebecca moves we work on List 47D. Does that sparkle with all the girls? Girls: Sunshine. Lola: Deliberating "Which Girl Has The Cutest Purse"? Millie has the floor. Millie: If it pleases and sparkles, I would like to submit that [motions to her left] Jennifer's purse is by far the cutest. Definitely cuter than Teresa's. Blond Girl: I don't think anyone here disagrees that Jennifer's purse is cuter than Teresa's, but it doesn't make it the cutest. Bebe: The committee has already decided that nothing with stripes can be in the Top 5 cutest purses. Lola: Sunshine sparkle. Wendy has the floor. Wendy: If it pleases and sparkles, I would like to suggest that we... [glances at Stan] That we reopen last week's list for debate. Girls: [debating] What'd she say? She's gotta be kidding! Heidi: Is she crazy? Bebe: All right, all right, come before the Rainbow Railing. [Stan and Wendy walk into the center of the room] Wendy: Go ahead. Stan: Aaah, I was just thinking that maybe you voted a little... hastily on the cutest boy? Red: You thought you should be number one? Stan: NO. Bebe: Let me assure you that no list is made hastily by this committee! Wendy: He didn't mean that. He was just saying maybe we should open it up again for discussion. Bebe: I cannot by Sparkle Law move to have an old list investigated. However, if you can find recourse for such an inquiry, Wendy, I would review it. Does that sparkle with all the girls? Girls: Sunshine. Scene Description: Kyle's house, night. All the lights are out. In his room, Kyle is laying on his stomach and flicks a lighter on, then off, then on again, then off. Kyle: They all laugh at me! [flicks on] And the girls giggle behind my back! [flicks off] unable to even glance at my disfigured face. A Voice: Do not burn down the school, Kyle. [Kyle looks around] Kyle: Who said that? A Voice: I did. [a body appears in the room to match the voice - it's Abraham Lincoln's glowing ghost] Do you know who I am? Kyle: Abraham Lincoln? Abraham Lincoln: I am Abraham Lincoln. Burning down the school will not solve your problems. You think you've been cheated because you are ugly, but I am here to show you otherwise. Come! There is much to see. [walks out] I want you to look in here. [they approach a random house and look inside. A bored woman is playing with a pencil and pebble at her small dining table] This woman is Nancy Pinkerton. As a child she was consistently the most beautiful girl in her entire school. Her life as a youth was filled with praises, and everything being handed to her. Boys told her she was special. She was funny. She was interesting. But that's only because she was hot. It wasn't until she reached age 40, when her looks started to fade, that she learned she was actually about as interesting and special, as a wet carrot. [they leave her as they found her, playing with a pencil, all alone in her dining room. They move on to the next house] This is the home of your new ugly friend, Yamal. [Yamal is shown playing a piano] Because he's ugly, he gets nothing handed to him. He has to work at making something of himself. But that work is gonna pay off when he's an adult. He will have character, something that kids who are hot rarely develop. Like your classmate, Clyde. [they approach Clyde's house. Clyde is all cool laying on his couch talking to someone on the phone] Now that he knows he's good-looking, he doesn't have to make any effort to be special. Clyde: Naw, Rebecca's just a friend. I wanna be with you now. Sure, yeah, I'll buy you some shoes too. Abraham Lincoln: Now his life will be about girls. Chatting with them on the phone and buying them shoes. He will most likely marry very young, and not realize until age 40 that he's a total douche. And so you see, Kyle, it is actually the beautiful kids that are cursed. Kyle: But I can't wait to be an adult to be happy. That's forever from now. Abraham Lincoln: You must be patient. Kyle: Just take me home! I don't wanna be here anymore! Take me home! Abraham Lincoln: [sighs] Very well. Scene Description: Kyle's house, later. Lincoln stops in front of it and Kyle gets out. Abraham Lincoln: Kyle, you need to think about what I've told you. Kyle: I don't want to! I don't want anybody telling me how to feel anymore! Abraham Lincoln: Well then you're just a fucking asshole! [drives off. Kyle, stunned at that comment, just looks on.] Scene Description: Wendy's room, night. Stan is on a beanbag chair as Wendy sifts through the lists at her desk. Wendy: Wait a minute. Wait, Stan, I think I've got something! [Stan gets off the chair and walks up to the desk] Take a look at this: during final deliberation of the list for cutest boy, seven girls gave Clyde a glitter rating of only one sparkle. Stan: I have no idea what you're talking about. Wendy: It doesn't add up. It is possible that Rebecca made a mistake when she tallied the sunshine votes onto the final list. [they look at each other, smiling] Scene Description: Red's house, day. Wendy and Stan walk up; Wendy knocks on the door. Red answers. Red: Oh, hey Wendy. Wendy: Hey Rebecca. Do you still have the voter cards for the list that rated the boys' looks? Red: [laughs it off] Oho Wendy, we're done with that list. Wendy: I know, but I think there's been a mistake. Six of the girls I've talked to didn't vote Clyde the cutest. That means that mathematically he should have been- Red: [menacingly] All right, you need to stop. Digging. Around, Wendy! [looks around to make sure no one else is listening] You might not like... what you find! [begins to draw close to her] Just back off and stop asking questions! [in Wendy's face] You're getting close to a secret that I don't think you can handle! Let it... go! [backs up into her house and closes the door] Stan: That didn't sparkle with her, did it? Scene Description: True-Value Hardware and Home Improvement, day. Someone is purchasing a lot of kerosene, propane, and lighter fluid. Clerk: [the name tag says Jerry] One canister of propane, six cans of lighter fluid, [Kyle stands there with determination in his eyes] seven gallons of high-octane kerosene, and a box of matches. [the total is $82.32] Okay, is that everything, little boy? Kyle: [determined] That should just about do it. Jerry: Do you like to put this on your True-Value card today? Scene Description: The girls' meeting room, day. Wendy and Stan are back in the middle of the room. Two girls are before them, behind the small table in front of the bench. Wendy: Nonorary Chair, Mrs. Secretary, I believe a member of our committee has tampered with one of our lists. I've compiled a full report, and it turns out that nobody voted Claude the cutest in the class. I believe Rebecca changed the list to make him number one. Lola: Why would she do that? Wendy: Right after the list was made, Rebecca started going out with Clyde. You can read all the discrepancies here. [drops the report on the table] We need to remake that list. [the girls look at the list as Wendy returns to Stan] Jenny: You just couldn't let it go! [puts her left hand on the report] Wendy: Uh, what do you mean? Call the girls in. Jenny: I'm afraid we can't do that, Wendy! [the other girl leaves the table] Lola: Did you know, Wendy, that Clyde's father owns the shoe store at the mall? A lot of us have always wanted to date Clyde to get free shoes, but we couldn't, because he wasn't popular enough. Wendy: [points at her] You knew! Lola: [pulls out a folder] Unfortunately, the members voted Clyde in the bottom five of the list! That's why we had to manipulate the votes, forge a new list, and... hide the real one! Wendy: So that you all could justify dating Clyde and get shoes?! How dare you take advantage of your position! I'm gonna tell Bebe and have you both disbarred from the list committee! Jenny: Bebe?! Who do you think authorized the buyout?! Wendy: [stunned that her best friend was in on this] No. Not Bebe. Jenny: She's dating Clyde now. Nobody loves shoes more than her. Stan: What's going on? Wendy: When the other girls find out you ignored their votes, they're gonna- Jenny: Do you really think they'll believe you over the heads of the committee?! We'll simply generate a new list! "Biggest Liars"! And put you at the top! Lola: Do yourself a favor, Wendy! Just let it go! And keep your little mouth shut! Wendy: I don't think so! [goes up and kicks Lola in the groin, hard, much to Stan's shock] Lola: [doubling over, dropping the folder] AAGH! Wendy: [grabs the folder and runs away] Stan, run! Stan: Jesus, dude! [runs out after her. The two other girls give chase] Scene Description: Yamal's house, night. He's playing piano when someone knocks at his door. He goes to answer it. Stan: [breathlessly] Hey, kid, have you seen Kyle? We've looked everywhere and we have to show him something. Yamal: [waits a second or two] He's burning down the school. Wendy: What? Yamal: He said he gonna burn the school down to the ground. Scene Description: The night suddenly gets stormy, but it's not cloudy enough to hide the full moon. Kyle: [on the school roof pouring lighter fluid out] All the cruel jokes and ridicule will finally be over! Are you happy now, God?! YOU made me look like this! Stan: [he and Wendy reach the roof and run up to him] Kyle! Kyle, don't! Kyle: Don't try and stop me, Stan! You don't know how it feels to be a deformed monstrosity! Stan: The list was a forgery, Kyle! Kyle: Huh?? Stan: It didn't sparkle with all the girls. We have the real list. [a gun is cocked and pops into view, aimed at Wendy] A Girl: That's about far enough! [it's Bebe holding the gun and fresh from shopping] Give me that list, Wendy! Kyle: Stan, what is going on?! Stan: It was about shoes, Kyle. The girls wanted shoes, so they set you up. Bebe: Kyle was simple a casualty! To move Clyde meant that Craig has to be moved to number twelve, which moved Jimmy down and moved Jason up! Kyle: So what number was I?? Wendy: You've compromised everything! Our lists' integrity! Bebe: Did you see these shoes, Wendy?! [pulls out a new pair of shoes] They're incredible! Wendy: It doesn't matter how incredible they are; you can't-[becomes distracted] Oh my God, those are amazing. Bebe: Right? Wendy: Is that a lace across the top? Bebe: No, it's a little strap. Stan: Wendy! Wendy: [remembers why she's there] Oh, but it doesn't matter. You took it too far! Bebe: If you hadn't gone all Nancy Drew on us, this would have just gone away! [cocks her gun again] Kyle: She's gonna kill us? Wendy: It's too late, Bebe. I've already made a full report and sent a copy to the police. People will know. Bebe: Oh please, you're lying. [sirens approach and she realizes Wendy wasn't lying. Five police cars converge on the school and cops pour out of them] Officer: [on the bullhorn] Give it up, Bebe. We know all about it. The list was compromised. Kyle Broflovski is not the ugliest boy in the class. [Wendy takes this opportunity to wrestle the gun away from Bebe. A gunshot goes off and Wendy is stunned] Stan: Wendy! [she steps back and checks herself for bullet wounds, then finds the gun in her left hand. Bebe looks pained, then she checks herself for bullet wounds. Since they're both uninjured, they look around wondering where the bullet went.] Scene Description: Kenny's house, night. He and his family are eating breakfast... for dinner. Each of the family members has a bowl of cereal before them. The bullet shoots in through the window, into the back of Kenny's head and out through his forehead. Stuart, his mom, and Kevin jump back in horror as blood splatters on them. They look at each other fearfully. Kenny: (Aah-) [his head falls into his bowl. A few seconds later, some Pop-Tarts pop out of the toaster.] Scene Description: The school roof, moments later. Officers are now on the roof and handcuff Bebe. Bebe: Wait, I, I didn't do anything wrong. Officer: You can explain all that downtown. [the cops take her away. Wendy is holding Bebe's shopping bag] Stan: Here, Kyle. [hands the folder to Kyle. Wendy looks inside the bag - she's got herself some free shoes.] We've been through a lot, but, you can finally see where you really are on the list. [Kyle holds the folder in his hands, but...] Scene Description: The school grounds, minutes later. Wendy stands over a garbage can, holding a lighter and torching the folder containing the real list. She flicks the lighter off and drops the burning folder inside the trash can. Stan: Are you sure you're okay with this, Kyle? Kyle: I'm sure. Abe Lincoln was right: I don't wanna find out I'm good-looking and become a total shithead when I grow up. Stan: ...Abe Lincoln? Wendy: Stan, it's been really great hanging out with you again. I feel like you've changed somehow. In a really awesome way. [smiles] Stan: Yeah well, I guess a lot of things... change, don't they? [smiles. As they smile, they look into each other's eyes. Stan begins to get queasy] Bwaaaagh! Bwaaaagh! [throws up on her twice, and she just takes it as she used to do in third grade.]

Scene Description: A close-up of a tongue depressor holding a tongue down, and the sound of a boy going "AHHHHHH." The camera pans out to reveal a dentist looking inside Cartman's mouth. Liane stands nearby, watching. They are all in Cartman's room. Cartman: AHHHHHH. Dentist: Well, there's no doubt about it. Those tonsils need to come out. Cartman: What? Liane: Uh, what exactly does that entail, doctor? Dentist: It's a very simple operation. We'll just put you to sleep, Eric, and when you wake up you'll be tonsil-free! Cartman: No- No way. I'm not going to the hospital, Mom! Dentist: Oh, I thought you were a tough kid! You're not scared of hospitals, are you? Cartman: No, I'm not scared... I just- I don't want my tonsils out, that's all! Dentist: Well then I guess you don't want all the ice cream you get after the surgery, either. Cartman: ...Ice cream? Dentist: It'd be a shame to have to give all that free ice cream to the big boys who aren't scared of hospitals. Liane: What do you say, champ? Think you can tough it out? Cartman: Well...you did say free ice cream? [Dentist and Liane laugh] Scene Description: A shot of Hell's Pass Hospital. Camera cuts to a hospital room where Cartman is asleep in a hospital bed. Liane is sitting by his side, holding his hand and smiling Liane: Poopsiekins, wake up. Wake up, honey. Cartman: [Opening his eyes, blinking a lot] Uh. It's over? Liane: That's right, you did it, Poopsiekins! Cartman: [Eyes fully open, sitting up] Its over! I didn't feel anything! You were right, Mom! Liane: I'm so proud of you, Eric. Cartman: All right, so where's my ice cream? Scene Description: The doctor and two opposite sex nurses enter the room looking very nervous. Liane: Oh, here's the doctors now! Hi, doctor. Cartman: You were right, doctor! Everything is okay! Doctor Carroll: No, it's not. Eric, I'm afraid that we've accidentally infected you with the AIDS virus. Liane: ...What!? Cartman: What's that supposed to mean?! Doctor: During the tonsil surgery we had to supply you with donor blood. A mistake was made and you were given blood contaminated with HIV. It was a one in a billion fluke. Cartman: I HAVE AIDS? Doctor Carroll: Not yet, but we've confirmed that you now have the virus that causes AIDS. We are very sorry. Cartman: "Sorry"?! You gave me AIDS and you're "sorry"?! Liane: Oh, my poor little baby! Cartman: Mom, you said nothing would go wrong! Liane: Oh God! [Cries] Oh no! Cartman: No! No, this is a joke, right!? This is a joke; I can't have AIDS! Doctor: We're going to do everything in our power to make this up to you, Eric. For starters, I think I owe you some ice cream. [One of the doctors brings over a plate with two sundaes on it, leaving it on Cartman's bed.] Cartman: [Knocks the ice cream on the ground] Fuck your ice cream! You said I'd be fine! You all said I'd be FINE! Liane: [Sobbing] Oh, oh, my baby has HIV! Cartman: NO! NOOOOOOOO! Scene Description: A shot of South Park Elementary as segue music plays. In the teachers lounge, Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, Ms. Garrison, two other staff members, and all of the boys' parents are gathered. Principal Victoria: Thank you for coming, everyone. [Stan, Kyle, Butters and Kenny walk in.] Principal Victoria: Boys, please take a seat. Stan: [The boys sit down.] What's going on? Are we in trouble? Principal Victoria: Boys, the reason we called you all in is because one of your friends... has a serious illness. Eric Cartman has been diagnosed with HIV. Stan: [All five boys are surprised.] ...What? Butters: Oh no. Doctor Matlock: He's been to several specialists after a botched blood transfusion. The disease is in very early stages and completely manageable, but he's naturally a bit scared. Kyle: Cartman has HIV? Doctor Matlock: We need everyone to understand you can't get the virus from Eric. You can still give him hugs and even kisses. Don't be afraid of him, just- Kyle: Excuse me. Eric Cartman has HIV? Principal Victoria: All right, we're going to bring Eric in now, and let's all be as supportive as we can and show him lots of love, okay? Mr. Mackey: [Opens the back door] Eric? Come on in, your friends want to say "Hi", m'kay? [Eric walks into the room with a black baseball cap, a gray scarf, and an annoyed look. Everyone greets him.] Kyle: ...No. Way. Butters: [Walks over to Cartman, putting an arm around his shoulder] How ya doin', Eric? You know, I think you're a real special little guy, and even though you have AIDS, I ain't gonna act any different towards you. [Smiles and kisses Cartman on the cheek, much to his horror] Cartman: God damn it, this sucks ass! Kyle: ...Excuse me, I have to step out for a minute. [Leaves the room and begins laughing in the hallway. It can be heard from in the room.] Butters: Poor Kyle. He's really taking it hard. Cartman: Is Kyle laughing out there!? This isn't a time for funny jokes, I'm gonna die! Doctor Matlock: No, you're not going to die, Eric. AIDS isn't as big a deal as it used to be. There are advances in treatment and- Cartman: Not a big deal!? Is that how everyone feels!? People need to understand the seriousness of this illness, and the bravery of the people who struggle with it! Scene Description: A shot of the Airport Hilton, where Elton John is scheduled to hold an AIDS benefit for Eric Cartman Scene Description: Inside, a group of people are in the grand ballroom. Pictures of Cartman hang on the walls. An M.C. steps up to the mic M.C.: We are here tonight to salute the bravery and the courage of one very special little boy who is living with HIV. [there's hardly anyone there: just his mom, Butters, Jimmy, and two other adults.] Cartman: Where the hell is everybody? [a waitress arrives with some food] Liane: Excuse me, shouldn't we wait for everyone to arrive before we get started? Waitress: This is everyone. We didn't sell that many tickets. Butters: Great benefit, Eric! Jimmy: The Italian meatballs are fa-fantastic. Cartman: So this is it? Waitress: I'm afraid AIDS benefits aren't as popular as they used to be. AIDS was more the '80s/'90s disease. It's all about cancer now. [leaves] Cartman: Well that's just great! Of all the times to get AIDS, I get it right when everyone stops givin' a crap! M.C.: With all of your help, we have raised over seventeen dollars for AIDS tonight, and that money will certainly go towards helping little Eric Markman. Cartman: Just bring out Elton John already! M.C.: Uh we're sorry, Elton couldn't make it. He- uh, he had to play at a cancer benefit. Waitress: It's all right, we got somebody better: Jimmy Buffett! Cartman: Jimmy Buffett?! Jimmy Buffett: Hello everyone. I wrote this song for a very brave little boy. AIDSburger in paradise! AIDSburger and it ain't nice! Cartman: Nobody likes Jimmy Buffett except for frat boys and alcoholic chicks from the South! Jimmy Buffett: A little boy in South Park Dyin' of AIDS in the cold dark How he got AIDS I haven't a clue. Wastin' away again because of AIDS and stuff How are we all feelin' tonight? Cartman: [sticks his middle finger up in the air] Fuck you, Jimmy Buffett! You fuckin' suck! Liane: Ohoho poopsiekins, be nice. Cartman: Fuck you Mom, I have fucking AIDS! Scene Description: The neighborhood bus stop, day. Kyle, Stan, and Kenny wait for the bus. Cartman walks up, dressed as he was a day or two ago Cartman: Hey guys, thanks a lot for comin' to my AIDS benefit yesterday. Stan: Oh dude, was that yesterday? We forgot. Cartman: Yeah, you forgot. Just like a lot of people lately have forgot that AIDS is still killing people! Seems like all of America has forgot that HIV is a serious disease. Stan: Well, did... Elton John sing a song for you? Cartman: ...No, as a matter of fact, Jimmy Buffett came instead. [Kyle bursts out laughing; Cartman angrily approaches him] OH YEAH, it'S REAL FUCKIN' FUNNY, KYLE! Kyle: [trying to stop laughing long enough to say something] I'm sorry. I'm. I'm really. Cartman, I f-I feel really bad for you. Honestly. Cartman: NO YOU DON'T! Kyle: I do. [smiles and keeps from laughing] Cartman: If you really felt bad, you'd wipe that fucking smirk off your face! [the smirk is having trouble not breaking into a laugh] Well any goddamned second, Kyle! Kyle: I'm sorry. I gotta go home. [laughs, turns away and leaves. His laughter trails off] Cartman: [watched Kyle leave] Jesus Christ, can you believe that asshole?! Stan: He does feel bad for you, Cartman; he just thinks it's... ironic. Cartman: Ironic how? Stan: Well, you know, you're always such a dick and stuff, and, and now... Cartman: [spins around and gets in Stan's face] Oh, and what?! I deserve it?! Is that what you think?! Stan: [backs away a bit] Not me! That's, uh, kinda what he thinks. Cartman: [advances] Nobody deserves this illness, Stan, Kenny! Nobody! It's awful! And maybe somebody needs to teach Kyle how to have some compassion! Scene Description: Kyle's house, night. Kyle is asleep in his room, his curtains partially open. Outside in the bushes, Butters appears dressed as a cat burglar Butters: Oh, uh-okay, it's clear. Cartman: [comes into view also dressed as a cat burglar] All right, get that rope ready to hoist me up. [they head towards the sliding door] Butters: Okay, but... what are you going to do? Cartman: Kyle thinks that HIV is funny, so we're gonna make him look funny, and then he'll know how it feels to be laughed at. Butters: I just uh... well I don't know if I should be helping you make Kyle look silly. Cartman: Butters, helping people who have AIDS is one of the most important things you can do. Butters: I know, but are you sure Kyle has to be taught a lesson? Cartman: I'm not just sure, Butters. I'm HIV-positive. Butters: [reflects on the answer] Oh yeah, uh-well I guess that's true. Cartman: [gets down to business] All right, now get the rope up over that third rafter above the window; that's the easiest access. Butters: Wow, you really know what you're doing. Cartman: Yeah, I've sneaked into Kyle's room lots of times. [moments later, Cartman is shown moving up along the outer wall to Kyle's window. He stops and opens the window gingerly, silently steps onto Kyle's bed, and walks over to Kyle's face. Then he whispers] You think HIV is something to be laughed at, Kyle? Well... [reaches into his back pack, pulls out a syringe, rolls up the sleeves on his left arm and...] let's just see how funny it is now, asshole. [...draws some blood into it and drops the blood into Kyle's mouth. Kyle instinctively tastes it and swallows it. Cartman quickly goes back out the window and slams it shut as Kyle wakes up.] Kyle: Wagh. Scene Description: South Park clinic. Kyle sits on the bed as Sheila hands him some tissue. He sneezes. Sheila: There there, bubbe, you'll be okay. [a doctor walks into the room] Oh doctor, did you find anything? Is it strep? Dr. Doctor: No, it isn't strep... Sheila: Oh, well there's a relief. Dr. Doctor: ...Mrs. Broflovski, has your son ever had a blood transfusion? Sheila: No, why? Dr. Doctor: [walks around to Kyle's end of the bed] Little boy, have you been having unprotected anal sex? Kyle: What? No?! Sheila: Doctor, what are you saying? Dr. Doctor: [walks up to Sheila] We've run every test imaginable... little Kyle here is infected with HIV. Kyle: What? Sheila: HIV? Dr. Doctor: It took us a long time to narrow it down, but there is no doubt. Sheila: No, that's impossible! Dr. Doctor: [addresses Kyle] Little boy, are you sure you haven't taken it up the hoohoo just once or twice? Kyle: No! No God damn it no! I'm telling you you're wrong! There, there's no way I can have HIV! Unless maybe... [his eyes open wide at the realization that Cartman deliberately infected him with the HIV virus.] Oh my God. "[gets angry]" That son of a bitch! [hops off the bed and rushes out the door] Sheila: Kyle? Kyle! Scene Description: Recess at South Park Elementary. The boys are outside tossing a football. Craig catches a football and looks for an opening Cartman: Pass me the ball! [Kyle angrily runs in from a distance...] Pass me the ball, Craig, you stupid asshole! [...and shoves Cartman forward at full speed. Cartman falls on his face, then looks back at Kyle.] Kyle, what the F?! Kyle: I'm gonna kill you, Cartman! Cartman: Kyle, what?! Stan: [steps into view] What did he do? Kyle: Why do I have HIV?! Clyde: ...Oh... Cartman: Oh, you have HIV, huh Kyle? Guess it isn't so funny now, is it? Kyle: What did you do?! Cartman: Nothing! Kyle: Then why did Butters say he helped you sneak into my room last Friday night?! [Behind Cartman, Butters motions Kyle not to say anything further] Cartman: Oh nice, Butters, you big tattle-tale. [too late. Butters stops motioning] Kyle: Tattle-tale?! Do you know how serious this is?! Cartman: Well, Kyle, maybe I was just trying to prove a p- Kyle: [lunges at Cartman] AAAAAAA! [starts punching him mercilessly, the other kids start cheering and jumping up and down while one girl does not and looks on with concern while titling her head.] Cartman: Kyle! Kyle: [doesn't let up] Hate you! [punch] Hate you! [punch. Mr. Mackey walks into the fray] Mr.Mackey: Hey! Hey, that's enough! Break it up, m'kay?! [tries to separate the boys...] Break it up! Hm'kay?! [...but ends up hoisting them away together at each other's throats] M'kay! Scene Description: Principal Victoria's office, moments later. Mr. Mackey has taken Kyle and Cartman there and now stands next to the principal Principal Victoria: All right, boys, now what is this fighting all about? Kyle: [pointing to Cartman] He gave me AIDS! Principal Victoria: What? Kyle: He purposely infected me with his HIV virus! Principal Victoria: Is that true, Eric? Did you give Kyle AIDS? Cartman: Well he was being a total dick! And he's a big tattle-tale and going around and talking crap about me! Principal Victoria: [pointedly] Did you infect Kyle with the HIV virus, yes or no?! Cartman: [grudgingly] Kind of. Mr. Mackey: Eric, that is not appropriate behavior, m'kay? You cannot purposely infect other kids with your disease! Principal Victoria: That's right. I think you owe Kyle an apology. Cartman: [grudgingly] I'm sorry. Kyle: An apology?! Principal Victoria: You're sorry for what, Eric? Cartman: I'm sorry for giving you AIDS, Kyle. Principal Victoria: That's better. And now Kyle, maybe you should also admit you were wrong for tattling. Kyle: [can't believe these adults] ...What?! Mr. Mackey: Kyle, the thing about tattlin' is, eh tattlin's bad. M'kay, because nobody likes a tattle-tale, m'kay? Kyle: A tattle-tale?! He infected me with AIDS! Cartman: See? He's tattling again. He hasn't learned a thing you guys. [they are shown the door] Scene Description: The hallway. Kyle walks forward and leaves the principal's office. The camera tracks him, and Cartman begins to move as well. Cartman: [keeping pace with Kyle] Well Kyle, I guess we're even now. Shall we just call it a truce? Kyle? Shall we call it Even Stevens now? [stops] Kyle, where are you going? Kyle: [turns around and returns to Cartman, then says between gritted teeth calmly but angrily] I am going to break everything that you own. [spins around and walks away] Cartman: What's that supposed to mean? Kyle? [settles on the obvious] Kyle, no! I apologized, Kyle!! Scene Description: Cartman's house, front. Kyle approaches the front door and opens it. He goes right in and up the stairs. Cartman appears by the driveway a few seconds later Cartman: Kyle! Kyle, hold on, you asshole! [Kyle enters Cartman's room and begins breaking anything he sees. First, a toy rocket. Then, he grabs a poster of Braveheart from the wall and rips it apart while screaming in rage. Next, he grabs the Wellington Bear Magic Mic and smashes it on the floor. Cartman walks in.] What the fuck are you doing?! [picks up some of his broken toys. Kyle knocks over a box of small toys] Kyle, stop it! [Kyle breaks apart a toy Mountie after three tries] God damn it, don't! [Kyle walks over to Cartman's big toy box, grabs Clyde Frog,..] Kyle, no! Not Clyde Frog! Leave Clyde Frog alone! [...and rips its head right off and moves off.] NO!! [Cartman picks up the two halves of his plush frog as Kyle moves to the XBOX] AHH! Clyde Frog!! Clyde Frog you ba- no! Not the Xbox, Kyle! [Kyle picks it up and tries to pull it out of the power socket] Not the X-wait! WAIT A SECOND! [stops Kyle before Kyle gets to smash the XBOX on the floor] I'm sorry I gave you HIV, all right?! Just give me a chance, and I can cure you! Kyle: There is no cure, you asshole! Cartman: No, no, listen, Kyle! I'm on to something. There really is hope. Kyle: What hope?! Cartman: Break my Xbox and you'll never know. Kyle: You're lying! Cartman: NO! No-al-, all right Kyle! Magic Johnson, Kyle! The key is Magic Johnson. Kyle: Magic Johnson? Cartman: He was a basketball player. Kyle: So what?! Cartman: So he got HIV like fifty years ago, and he's still totally fine! Magic Johnson has some kind of resistance to the virus, Kyle. I've been researching it since I got infected. If we can track him down and isolate his genetic prototype, we have a chance of beating this thing, buddy. [grabs Kyle's shoulder] You and me, Kyle. We can overcome our illness; I swear it to you! Kyle: [looks at the XBOX for a few moments, then] You better! 'Cause if you don't find a cure for HIV, I will break your Xbox! Cartman: [stunned] My God... Scene Description: Denver International Airport. A list of gates are shown. Kyle and Cartman walk in and go to a Delta Airlines clerk Cartman: We need two tickets to Los Angeles as soon as possible. Clerk: Los Angeles. Okay, uh I have a two o'clock flight. That would beee... $400 each. Cartman: Ah, sir, you don't understand. We have to see Magic Johnson right away. You see, we have AIDS. Clerk: ...AIDS? Wow, that's really... retro. But ah I'm sorry. I- I just can't give away free seats. Cartman: Don't you get it?! We are two pals afflicted with an illness, and who only have each other in a race against time! Innocent playful children who are stricken with a deadly disease for no reason! Kyle: Oh please, no reason! I got AIDS from him! Clerk: Oh, you boys are [sticks his left index finger into a tube he makes with his right hand and moves it in and out of the tube] like that, huh? Kyle: NO! Clerk: Are you sure you boys just don't have any cash? Cartman: We're not just sure, we're HIV-positive. Clerk: Uh, we sometimes offer free seats to cancer patients, but AIDS I d-. Heh-hey Mitch? Do we have any AIDS patient policies? Cartman: Forget it, all right?! We'll use another airline! One that cares! [turns around and leaves Kyle standing there] Scene Description: The interior of an airplane. Cartman and Kyle sit in aisle seats near the front of the cabin. A flight attendant walks up to them Flight attendant: We're so happy to help accommodate you brave boys. What kind of cancer did you say you have again? Cartman: Oh uh, you know, all over cancer. Flight attendant: I'm so sorry. Cartman: Yeah, well, at least [leans into the aisle and looks back at the other passengers] it's not as bad as having AIDS. AIDS is the worst disease. Flight attendant: Hm, I don't know. These days I think I'd rather have AIDS than cancer. Cartman: No you wouldn't! Look, shouldn't you be serving people drinks or something?! Get outta here! [the flight attendant turns and walks away] We're on our way, buddy. [puts his left hand on Kyle's right hand] Magic Johnson, here we come. Kyle: [coldly] Don't. Touch me. Cartman: [removes his hand from Kyle's and places his hands together over his stomach] I know. I'm scared too. Scene Description: Magic Johnson's mansion, day. Behind it is a smoggy horizon. Scene Description: Magic Johnson's mansion, living room. Magic has his feet propped up on a glass coffee table. He's spinning a basketball on his right index finger as he changes channels with his left hand. An NBA Championship trophy sits on a small table to the left Butler: Magic. Magic, could you come to the front for a minute? There are a couple of boys here to see you. Two brave little buddies who against all odds have journeyed across America to find the cure for AIDS. All they have are each other in a race against time. [Magic sheds a big tear and sniffs] Kyle: [moments later] Thank you for seeing us, Mr. Johnson. We were hoping that maybe you have some kind of key that can help us with our disease. Magic: You boys both have the virus? Are you sure? Cartman: We're not just sure, we're HIV-positive. Kyle: [quickly irritated; exploding] Will you stop it with that!?! [angrily points at Cartman] What part of this is funny to you?!! Cartman: Kyle, we need to try to find a- Kyle: What part of being infected with a deadly disease do you find funny?!! Cartman: [thinks for a few seconds] I don't think it's funny, Kyle. Kyle: [angrily points at Cartman again] Then stop saying you're not just sure, you're HIV positive!! [Cartman keeps quiet] This isn't funny, AIDS isn't funny, dying isn't funny, [points at Cartman a third time with his eyes closed.] So shut the fuck up!! Cartman: [clears his throat] Well excuse me, Kyle, for trying to keep some optimism, you know? I mean, sometimes when things... seem their darkest you just need to try and stay... HIV-positive, but if you wanna be so HIV-negative all the time, I- Kyle: [angrily points at Cartman a fourth time] Knock it off!! Right now!! This isn't funny!! At all!! Cartman: [waits a second] Are you sure? Kyle: [quickly] Yes!!! Cartman: [waits a second] Are you HIV-positive? [Kyle smacks him] Aarrhh! Ow, fuck, Kyle! Magic: Boys, the truth is I don't know why my body is so resistant to the virus. I would love to know so I could help others, but I just don't. [shrugs] Kyle: Well I've been thinking: maybe there's something you've come into contact with that hinders HIV from growing. Do you mind if we just look around? Magic: Well, not at all. Scene Description: The hallway. Magic and the boys pass various rooms Magic: The pool is over there [motions to his left], where I try to swim and stay in shape. My kitchen [motions to his right] is full of pretty healthy food. I don't know which thing it is that keeps my T-cell count high, so I... try it all. Kyle: But everyone tries that. There has to be something you're exposed to that others aren't. Could we see where you sleep? Magic: Sure. Scene Description: The bedroom. The double doors swing open and the group enters Magic: Just a pretty plain old ordinary bedroom. [before them is the four-post bed with curtains, and stacks of dollar bills everywhere else] Kyle: Dude. Magic: Oh, oh yeah, I- I don't trust banks. I sleep with all my money. Kyle: You sleep with money. Every night? Magic: Yeah, I like to keep it close b- ...You don't think that..? Scene Description: AIDS Research Center, day. Inside a laboratory there, a scientist analyzes a blood sample through a microscope Scientist 1: [changes focus] It's incredible. Mitch, these boys could be onto something. Take a look. [Mitch steps in and looks into the microscope] That's a sample of HIV-infected blood. You can clearly see the HIV attacking the white blood cells, right? [the HIV is indeed attacking] All right. Watch what happens when we introduce some cash. [waves a brick of bills around near the microscope] Mitch: My God. The HIV particles are receding! [the particles scream as they sense the money, and leave the white blood cells alone] Scientist 1: The cash does seem to retrain the HIV cells from stabilizing. Scientist 2: Now hold on! All the cash is doing is destabilizing the virus, not destroying it. Kyle: Well look, if being around lots of cash negatively affects the HIV, then maybe... Mitch: Then maybe enough cash shot directly into the bloodstream could kill the virus altogether. Magic: I have enough cash for all three of us! We should give it a try! Scientist 2: Na-noo, it's ridiculous. We need FDA approval, control studies! I'm sorry, but this is impossible! Magic: These boys have shown us that a lot of impossible things can happen. [genuflects next to them] Their friendship has conquered every obstacle in their illness-ridden lives. Scientist 2: [sighs heavily and puts his hands on a lab table] Their incredible friendship has brought a sparkle of hope to our world, that's for sure. Kyle: [looks away] Wugh. Scientist 2: I suppose we could try to distill Magic's cash down to its... most highly-concentrated level and... try it on one of them. But it's very risky. Cartman: Yeah well, if there's a chance of being cured of this illness, then Kyle is willing to take that risk. Scene Description: moments later, a tank holding a lot of Magic's dollar bills is brought in. A shredder is lowered into the tank and turned on. It shreds the bills to into pulp and then is lifted out. The tank is lifted up over a cylinder and the pulp is poured from the tank to the cylinder, which turns out to be a giant pump. The pump is activated and pushes the pulp into a helical tube. At the end of the tube is a small chamber which distills the pulp into a clear green liquid and acts as a dropper. The liquid drips into a large syringe. Once it fills up, Mitch takes it... Mitch: Let's hope to Christ this works. [...walks over to Kyle, kneels next to him, and injects him with the liquid. Moments later, a sample of Kyle's blood is taken and analyzed] Scientist 1: Wait a minute... Yes... Yes, take a look! [he trades places with Scientist 2, who looks into the microscope] The cash particles have completely replaced all the HIV in Kyle's blood! [the newly repaired blood cells look like discs cut out of dollar bills. Scientist 1 turns around and faces the boys.] Boys, you just found the cure for AIDS. Cartman: All right! Scientist 1: [throws open the lab doors and walks out] They found the cure for AIDS! [runs down the hall] The cure for AIDS! Scientist 3: What is it? Scientist 1: [grabs Scientist 3 by the shoulders] Large doses of concentrated cash! [runs down the hall] Get the media on the phone! Scientist 4: [female] All right! Scene Description: SNN News Anchorman: Scientists have just discovered the cure... for AIDS. [smiles] About a hundred and eighty thousand dollars shot directly into the bloodstream. Scene Description: Nigeria, Africa, around sunset. A station wagon pulls up and a blond driver jumps out Driver: Hey! They just found the cure for AIDS! You just have to inject yourself with all your cash! Woohoo! Scene Description: A Cure For AIDS benefit at the Airport Hilton's Grand Ballroom M.C.: I am pleased to announce that there is no trace of the HIV virus in either Kyle Broflovski or Eric Cartman. [the room applauds. Most everyone present is from South Park] Together these boys beat their illness. With nothing but each other, and overcoming all odds [Kyle's face gets angry], these two brave friends- Kyle: Oh stop! We're not friends! He's the one who infected me with AIDS! M.C.: These two brave lovers found the cure and helped the world. And so, to honor these boys [Cartman grins. Kyle is still angry], here is... Jimmy Buffett! Cartman: [grin vanishing] What?! Aw, no! Jimmy Buffett: Cureburger in paradise! Cureburger. There I said it twice! Cartman: What?! Aw, God damn it! [puts his arm around Kyle] Well I'll tell you this, Kyle. I'm never gettin' my tonsils out again, hahahaha. Kyle: I'm still breaking your Xbox. [turns right and walks off] Cartman: What? No. No. [runs after him] Kyle, no!

Scene Description: A TV screen showing animated graphics: Decision 2008 Debate, on Fox 31 Announcer: Live, from Chicago, Illinois, it's Decision 2008. Moderator: [in a droning voice] Good evening and welcome to the political debate between Hillary Rodham Clinton and Barack Obama. [turns to them] First question: How do you see yourself as different from your opponent? Scene Description: Stan's house. Randy has the four boys seated on the couch as they all watch TV together. Randy has a beer in his left hand. Butters is passed out while the other three boys are half asleep. Stan: Ugh, Dad, can we please not watch this? Randy: This is important, Stanley! [the boys look at him] You boys should care about this stuff. Cartman: Yeah, but we totally don't. Randy: Well you boys are gonna sit and watch this! This is what really matters! Moderator: And so, Mr. Obama, why don't you tell us your stance on military spending? Barack Obama: Well, my opinion is that- Scene Description: Emergency New Bulletin Announcer: We interrupt this debate for an emergency news bulletin! It's... Britney Watch! [a montage of Britney pictures is stamped with a stamp saying "Britney Watch" inside it. Dramatic background music starts up] Keeping you up-to-date with all your Britney Spears news! Butters: [wakes up and looks at the screen] Man... Randy: [getting excited, leans forward] Oh-oh boy, what's she done now? Anchorman: Britney Spears has been spotted camping in the Colorado mountains, and one report claims that she has taken a piss... in the forest. Robert Pooner has more. Robert Pooner: Ron, I'm standing in South Park, Colorado, where Britney Spears has apparently been trying to get away from it all. [the boys react to the news] Cartman: Aw dude, that's our town! Robert Pooner: Ms. Spears was spotted at a mountain campground [shots of her pitching a tent and relaxing in a chair after the tent is up], and you won't believe what she did, Ron. The troubled diva took a piss. Right on a ladybug. We've blurred out parts of the photo so that it doesn't offend. [a shot of her squatting and pissing on the ladybug. The blurred area is her face] Randy: She's such a train wreck! Robert Pooner: When the photo is enhanced, Ron, you can see the poor little ladybug getting doused. [extreme closeup of the piss hitting the ladybug] Ron: [the anchorman] This must be very embarrassing for Britney that this photo got out, Bob, and, and she looks like she's gained weight. Robert Pooner: That's right, Ron, she really chubbed up. And if you zoom in on her face, you can see that she's got some zits! [a closeup of her chin shows two zits] Butters: Aw, poor girl. Randy: [rising from his armchair] Hey Sharon, Britney peed on a ladybug. [heads towards the kitchen] Ron: The photograph was taken by Brian Willis of Bailey, Colorado [a photo of Brian Willis holding lots of bricks of money appears], who sold it to 31 News for a hundred thousand dollars. Kyle: A hundred thousand dollars? Cartman: That's enough to buy slaves! Ron: Britney is said to be now hiding out in a South Park motel. Aand now back to the stupid Democratic debates. Hillary Clinton: ...and spearchuckers. Kyle: [gets off the sofa] Did you guys hear that?! A hundred thousand dollars for a picture of Britney. Stan: [gets off the sofa] And she's at a hotel in our town. [Cartman gets up as well and gets restless] Kyle: It's gotta be the Komfort Inn. It's the nicest hotel in South Park. Cartman, go get your camera. Cartman: [runs off] Sweet! Butters: [finally gets up] Hey, hanguh, hang on, fellas, don't you think Britney's been through enough? I mean, maybe it's finally time for us all to just leave her alone. Stan: [thinks a bit, then] Butters, don't be such a pussy. Butters: [looks at Stan, then at Kyle] Hokay. [smiles] Scene Description: The sidewalk. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman walk along, Cartman has his camera with him Kyle: A hundred thousand for a picture of Britney peeing on a ladybug. Imagine what a photo of her crapping on a squirrel is worth! Butters: [hidden, comes to the front] Well this costume was supposed to be for the Easter musical, fellas, not for tryin' to make an easy buck! [something stops them in their tracks] Stan: Oh no. Scene Description: Before them is the Komfort Inn, with a crowd of paparazzi standing in front of it. The boys walk up to the crowd Kyle: Excuse us, we're trying to get a picture of Britney Spears! Photographer 1: Join the club. Photographer 2: Yeah, all you amateur photographers are makin' this tougher on the professionals! Cartman: We're professionals too, you fuckin' butthole! [the boys make it through the crowd and approach a set of stairs. A security guard stops them] Guard: Ah ah, nobody goes upstairs. Kyle: [stammers] We uh, we have special permission? Stan: Yeah, don't you recognize us? We're Britney Spears' kids. Guard: You are? Butters: [not amused] Not me! I'm a squirrel! Scene Description: A hotel room. Britney is painting her toenails on a low table while on the phone with someone Britney: But now everybody thinks I hate ladybugs. I didn't even know it was there. I can't take it anymore. I'm just sooo- [several knocks are heard at her door] Guard: Excuse me, Ms. Spears, but your kids are here and they've brought you a squirrel. Britney: My boys? Really? Send them in. [to the caller] It's okay. My kids are here. I feel better now. [hangs up. Stan and the others enter the room] Kyle: We did it guys! Stan: I told you that would work! The Boys: Yehehahah, all right! Kyle: Ahall right! Britney: [walks up to them] You mean, it was just a joke? My kids ain't here? Kyle: All right. Butters, go get next to her. Butters: I ain't doin' it! We tricked her and it wasn't nice! Stan: Butters, do you want your share of the hundred thousand dollars or not? Britney: [walks back to the table] You're never gonna leave me alone, are you? Butters: It ain't right to take advantage of somebody no matter who they are! [Britney opens a drawer and pulls something out] Kyle: All right, fine! We don't need you, Butters! Stan: Yeah, we'll just get a picture of her doing something else. Cartman: [aims his camera] All right lady, just flash us your crotch or somethin'. Britney: I've got a better idea. Stan: You do? Britney: Yeah. [whips out a big shotgun, shoves the nozzle into her mouth, and pulls the trigger] Stan, Kyle: NO! [the gun goes off and she falls to the ground. The gun falls away from her. All four boys stand there all petrified. Cartman does not take any pictures. After a bit, Cartman turns and runs out. Butters looks at Stan and Kyle, then heads for the door] Butters: [stops and looks back] You killed her! [leaves] Guard: Hey, everything all right u-. Oh. Scene Description: A hospital. Not Hell's Pass. Stan and Kyle sit on chairs outside a room, waiting for word on Britney's condition. Nurse: [over the PA system] Paging Dr. Bender? Paging Dr. Bender, please? [another nurse wheels an elderly patient across the hall] Stan: We should have just left her alone. But we just had to push her. Kyle: How could we know she would... Aw we suck so hard. Doctor: [walks up to Stan and Kyle and faces them] She's... alive. Kyle: Whew. Stan: Oh, thank God. Doctor: But, we almost lost her. Why couldn't you boys just leave her alone? Kyle: Doctor, could we talk to her for a minute? Doctor: I don't want you making her upset. Stan: We don't wanna upset her, we just want to tell her that we're sorry. Doctor: [sighs] All right. Scene Description: Britney's recovery room Doctor: [enters with Stan and Kyle] Ms. Spears, these boys wanted to say something. [Britney gargles something. Only her lower jaw and the base of her skull remain of her head] Kyle: Oh my God! Stan: Oh no! Doctor: [by Britney's side] The boys are just shocked at how good you look, Britney. [glares at Stan and Kyle] Right, boys?! Kyle: Oh, yeah. Yeh-yeah. It's a-it's not even noticeable. [Britney gargles something back. The boys join the doctor at her side] Doctor: Well, I'll let you boys have your say. [walks off. Britney gargles something] Stan: [his voice shaking] Ms. Spears, uh... we're... really... sorry for making you want to kill yourself. Kyle: Oh, God, what have we done?! Scene Description: Britney Watch returns, complete with montage and music Announcer: It's Britney Watch! Keeping you up-to-date with all your Britney Spears news! Reporter: [outside Denver Medical Center, with photographers swarming the area] You won't believe what Britney's done now. The troubled pop star has just been spotted with a crazy "no top part of my head" look. This video [shown as he speaks] was taken just hours ago as Britney was wheeled into the hospital for some reason. And if we zoom in on the footage, right, ri-right here [the camera zooms in on the left breast], you can also definitely see a boob job scar. No doubt now that she's had plastic surgery in the past. Anchorman: O ho ho, oh houch, that's gotta be embarrassing. Chris, any word on why Ms. Spears went for this radical "no top of the head" look? Chris: No word yet, Tom, but it could be over the embarrassment of the boob job scar video we showed just, just now. Uh, even though the timing doesn't quite work out. Scene Description: Denver Medical Center, Britney's recovery room. The window begins to crowd with photographers and flash bulbs begin to go off. Stan and Kyle look back at the window. The photographers begin to clamor for Britney's attention Kyle: [he and Stan are blinded by the flash] Dude! [the doctor reaches the curtains and closes them, but the flashes don't stop going off] Doctor: Damn it, she can't handle any stress right now! Manager: Excuse me, I'm Britney Spears' manager. [sees her in bed] Oh, jeez, Britney! Britney, what were ya thinkin'? First you shave your head and now this. Britney: Guglo. Manager: Well, it's a ballsy new look, I'll give you that. Paparazzo: Brit! Over here, Brit. One for Star Weekly. [Britney instinctively raises her left arm to shield her eyes from the camera, though she has no eyes now] Doctor: Damn it you have to take her out of here; she can't be around all this right now. Britney: Right. We need to take her home. Boys, can you give me a hand with her? Stan: Yeah, of course. [begins to help out] Scene Description: A side entrance. The manager opens the door and looks around for any photographers Manager: [softly] Okay, come on! [leads the boys and Britney out] My car is right here. [opens the door and gets in. The photographers are within earshot...] Photographer 3: Hey look! Photographer 4: There she is! [A photographer points and his face becomes distorted. The photographers rush the car before the manager can leave] Kyle: Oh crap! [the photographers again clamor for Britney's attention, and one of them asks about her choice of shoes] Stan: Jesus Christ! Manager: Yeah yeah, it's like this all the time. [to the photographers] Thank you! Yes, thanks. [drives out of the crowd and peels away. The paparazzi look on and then pursue the car on foot] Stan: Look, uh, we feel really bad, and, and we wanna help Britney however we can. Manager: That's great, boys. Britney seems to have really taken a liking to you. And don't worry: Britney is a queen at reinventing herself. We just need to get her into the recording studio right away. Kyle: What?! Scene Description: Britney's recording studio. Stan and Kyle are there with the manager and the studio crew, and they're outraged at the way Britney is being treated. Manager: All right, Britney, let's take it from the top. Remember to bring that sexiness to it. Kyle: Excuse me, is this really what you think she should be doing right now? Bruce: All right, Brit, let's try it from the top. [a studio hand gives her some headphones to work with, and she holds them up against what would be her right ear. She gargles intermittently] Female Aide: God, what a train wreck. Male Aide: She must be stoned again. [Britney continues to gargle more often and longer] Stan: Would you put a stop to this, please? This is only gonna make things worse. Manager: Whattaya mean? She sounds great. [suddenly stops the music] Ah, Britney, that last lyric is supposed to be "love elation". Sounds more like you're saying "love creation". Britney: Gogehah. Manager: E-la-tion. Really enunciate the L. Britney: Egeul-gageol Bruce: Gah, she's so stupid. Stan: What do you expect?! Look at her! She doesn't have most of her brain! Bruce: I know. She's really dumb, huh? [smiles] Stan: No, I mean, she literally doesn't have most of her brain! Her head is gone! Bruce: [cups his hands like he's grabbing Britney] Yeah. And she's all fat, too. Britney: Okel? Scene Description: MTV Video Music Awards 2007 Announcer: Live, from Las Vegas, it's the MTV Video Music Awards VJ: What's up, y'all? It's the MTV Awards and we are kickin' it off right. Here to perform her new song is the one, and only, Britney Spears! [two stage hands walk Britney out on stage] Kyle: Aw come on now, people! [the manager is pleased with the performance] Woman: Oh my God, she's really gotten chubby. [the song begins: "It's Britney, bitch!" Britney is waiting for her cue as dancers swirl around her. She begins to warble, and it echoes. She walks and immediately a dancer keeps her from falling.] Singers: The way she fee-els. [Britney leans over, and another dancer stands her up again. She warbles some more] Love inside. Man: Oh man, she's totally lip-syncing. Stan: [annoyed] She doesn't have any lips! Singers: Temporary. [Britney warbles some more. Two male dancers come by and turn her around so the camera can focus on her ass] So hot! [a few moments she gets a solo segment and four male dancers fawn over her] Scene Description: Post-Awards report Reporter: Disaster at the MTV awards. People are ridiculing Britney Spears. Her performance was awful, Tom. She looked tired, she looked fat, she didn't have a head. It was just completely phoned in. No doubt, Tom, that girl has major issues. Scene Description: A green room. Britney, her manager, and the boys are watching the news report Manager: Don't listen to 'em, Brit! They're all just jealous. And we can put you on SlimFast tomorrow. [walks over to the door and opens it. The paparazzi is there, piled on from floor to ceiling] Hang on, hang on, she'll be out in a minute. [leaves, closing the door. No paparazzi get in. Once the place is silent, she sits back on her armchair and relaxes with a sigh. Stan and Kyle can only look on] Stan: We have to get her away from all this, dude. People just aren't gonna let up. We have to take her somewhere to just be at peace. Kyle: Dude, where in the world can Britney Spears go where nobody will bother her? Stan: [strokes his chin and takes a few steps forward] I know where. Scene Description: TransTrak station: "Travel by Train." It's 2:24 in the afternoon when Stan pops up at the window Stan: We want three tickets to the North Pole. [the clerk stops what he's doing and looks around] Clerk: The North Pole? [leaves his chair and walks to the window] Who the hell goes to the North Pole? Stan: We do. Me, my friend, and his aunt. [Kyle and Britney stand behind him. Britney is wearing a wig, sunglasses, and hat as a disguise] Scene Description: Britney Watch returns... Announcer: [breathless] It's Britney Wowtch! Ron: A distraught Britney Spears has apparently disappeared and abandoned all those close to her. A local housewife caught a photo of Britney running away in this disguise! [a shot of Stan and Kyle leading Britney down the street] Robert Pooner: Britney is obviously very upset about her MTV performance, Ron, and so she's become desperate. Most troubling for her is the fact that her disguise has total camel toe. [the camera zooms in on her crotch to show what looks like a camel's toe under her shorts] Ron: Oooooh, ouch! Anchorwoman: Oh boy, now, Leslie, this seems like a really bad camel toe offense. Leslie: Absolutely major camel toe, Tracy. Britney just seems oblivious. She was bound to get noticed: you walk around with that kind of cam toe and you're gonna turn heads. Ron: [grunts a little] Eh, David, any idea as to how big the camel toe actually was? [a shot of Britney and a camel toe together] Robert Pooner: She was sportin' toe like never before, Brian. I, I don't know what's wrong with that girl, but, it's a slap in the face to camels all over the planet. Ron: Those close to Britney say they are very worried and want to bring her home safe. And now back to the local news. Tracy: [a picture of Butters being dragged towards an animal control truck] The giant squirrel which was picked up last week by animal control apparently now thinks it's a person. Colorado officials have taken the squirrel to Johns-Hopkins for psychiatric evaluation. Ron: Hm, that squirrel is obviously nuts. Scene Description: The platform at TransTrak. Kyle: Platform 4F. Uhhh, it must be on the other side of the station. Paparazzo: [behind the boys] There she is! It's Britney! [more photographers show up and begin to take pictures] Stan: Oh no. [he and Kyle quickly whisk Britney away, the photographers hot on their tails. They pass a room whose door is slightly open. Seconds later they return to it, go in, and shut the door] Stan: Dude, they're never gonna let us through. Kyle: Yes they are! I have an idea. Paparazzo 2: Britney? Where'd she go? Paparazzo 3: There she is! [Kyle appears wearing Britney's disguise. He turns to look at the paparazzi, then runs away. The paparazzi start taking pictures and following him. He runs down the street, the paparazzi pursue him] Scene Description: Inside the train. Stan leads Britney to a couple of seats by a window. Britney is wearing Kyle's hat Stan: It's okay, you'll be in the North Pole soon. [Britney gargles something] Scene Description: The streets. Kyle continues to lead the paparazzi away from Britney and tries to lose them at the same time Manager: There she is. Hey Britney, it's me. [Kyle ignores him and keeps running. He joins the paparazzi in chasing "Britney" down. Kyle runs through a park; they're right behnd him. Kyle runs into a garden full of statues, stops, and turns around] Britney. It's over. What were you runnin' for anyway? Reporter: Hey, wait a minute. Where's her camel toe?! Kyle: [takes off the sunglasses] I'm not Britney Spears, all right?! Paparazzo 5: Ooo, psych! Manager: She must be back at the train station; come on! [they turn around and go back] Kyle: Now, wait a minute! Everyone just stop for one minute! [the group turns around. Kyle drops the sunglasses] Look, you guys are gonna end up killing her. Can't you see that Britney isn't in any condition to handle this crap anymore? I know watching celebrities go down can be fun. Me and my friends are just as guilty as all of you, but maybe, we'll just, maybe, ...it's time to let this one go. Just this one time, let's, let's all stop before it's too late, huh? Paparazzo 6: [steps forward] Son, you don't seem to understand. Britney Spears... has to die. Kyle: [quizzically] Huh? [thunder starts rolling in the distance] Paparazzo 7: What do you think all this effort has been for? Manager: [a sinister smile crosses his face] It cannot be stopped. The purpose is too great. Officer: It's not just the press. Everyone agrees. She must... die. Background Singers: Hetus. Alte omnebus. [the photographers begins to join in] Virtu e poquebus. [other adults join in this nonsensical Latin chant] Scene Description: The TransTrak train heads north through the Rockies Narrator: Little Stanley was tired and hungry. But he knew that for Britney Spears to be safe, he had to get her to the North Pole. Stan: You doing okay, Ms. Spears? [she gargles. From the train's cab, the conductor looks back at Britney and Stan through the cab door's window] Conductor: [on the phone] It's her. Um no, I'm sure it's Britney Spears; [looks at a photo] it looks just like the picture. [the photo he holds is that of a camel's toe, not of Britney] You want me to, to what? Yes, I understand. [begins chanting] Rectus. Hoc honebus Scene Description: A small town. A car stops and its passengers empty out: Britney's manager, two cameramen, and Kyle. The manager walks up to an elderly man and shakes hands with him Elderly Man: Hello, I'm Bob Summers, so happy you picked our little town. Kyle: What is going on?! Why do you want Britney Spears to die?! Bob Summers: Well nobody wants her to die, little boy. We all simply... need her to. Do you understand? Kyle: NO! Paparazzo 8: Look, kid, throughout history people have found it necessary to engage in... human sacrifice. Bob Summers: In ancient times, humans would commonly pick one lovely girl, adorn her with jewels, treat her like a goddess, and then... watch her die. Paparazzo 9: We like to think we're more civilized now, but the truth is our lust for torture and death is no different than it was in gladiator times. Paparazzo 10: Only difference is that now we like to watch people put to death through magazines and photographs. Canadian Paparazzo: It's a damn shame too. Old ways were bettah. Used to be we just picked someone by lottery an' then stoned them to death. Woman: Stonin' to death was too violent. Rather have the sacrifice kill itself. Kyle: You mean everyone has been wanting Britney Spears to kill herself? Man: Britney was chosen a long time ago, to be built up and adored, and then sacrificed. For harvest. Paparazzo 11: All right, everyone's about here. Kyle: [bewildered] Who's everyone?! Who all is in on this?! Scene Description: The TransTrak train. Everyone is sleeping when the train comes to a sudden stop and the whistle blows. They wake up. Male passenger: Hey, where are we? This isn't right. [Stan looks out the window quickly. Outside is an empty field, but a horde of photographers race through it and reach the train, clamoring for her attention and ready to take pictures] Stan: Oh no! Britney: Ohhh thoooo! Stan: [hops down and grabs Britney's hand] Come on, Britney! [pulls her out the opposite side and into the field] Come on, come on! [as they run, Kyle's hat falls away. They reach the end of the field and enter a clearing. They look around and find themselves surrounded. All sorts of people are there, not just paparazzi. The escape route they just used is closed off by more spectators. Stan looks around and some faces are recognizable, like Irene. Sheila and Gerald show up] Kyle: Mom, Dad! [runs up to them] They're gonna kill her! They're going to in-. Wait, what are you doing here? Gerald: It's okay, Kyle. Just... be a good boy. Kyle: Be a good boy? You know all about this? Stan: Kyle, what the fuck is going on now? Kyle: She's been built up to be sacrificed, Stan! Stan: Sacrificed? For what? Randy: For harvest, Stanley. Same reason we've always done it. Canadian Paparazzo: Sacrifice in March, corn have plenty starch. Kyle: Corn harvest! Randy: We haven't told you about it, Stanley, because we, we like to wait until kids are a little older to talk to them about things like condoms and ritualistic human sacrifice for harvest. Stan: All right, enough already! This has all gone on long enough! Manager: The kid is right. This has gone on too long. Paparazzo 12: Yeah. She was supposed to have killed herself a long time ago. Farmer: And harvest is coming soon. Bob Summers: All right, folks, let's finish this quickly. [everyone whips out a camera and starts taking pictures, closing in on Britney all the while] Stan: No wait. [Britney groans. People get close, take pictures, then make way for more people] Woman 2: Come on, hurry up. Woman 3: [obese] I can't run. You go ahead, I'll catch up with ya. [the barrage of picture-taking continues. The McCormicks come up to take pictures. Britney drops to the ground, sort of pleading to be left alone] Mother: Here Davey. [hands a camera to her son. The barrage continues, with Randy, Liane, other familiar faces... Britney wilts under the lights and finally lies down completely] Bob Summers: [throws out his arms] Hold on. [a doctor walks up and checks for vital signs] Doctor: She's dead. Randy: Well, I think it's time for us to leave the poor girl alone. [everyone turns and goes off in different directions under a windy and thunderous sky. Stan is left alone staring at Britney's corpse. Kyle is a little further away, but he too looks at the corpse] Scene Description: Harvest time, dawn. The corn fields are shown, their stalks tall and full of corn. Three men are harvesting corn by hand nearby, and a motorized harvester takes care of corn in the distance Scene Description: The town, late morning. A farmer's market is up. Two men are shown close-up in a booth stocked with yellow and white corn Gil: Mornin' Bill. Bill: Mornin' Gil. Gil: [inspecting some yellow corn] Nice-lookin' corn. Scene Description: South Park Market, day. Randy and Sharon check out the corn. Sheila passes. Sheila: Hey Sharon, Randy, great harvest, huh? [begins to check out the corn as well. Sharon puts some corn into her shopping cart] Randy: An incredible harvest. Some of the best corn I've seen in years. ET Reporter: [on TV screens throughout the store] She's the daughter of a country singer, and the young girl has really taken the country by storm. Hannah Montana's Miley Cyrus, though only fifteen years old, is already on her way to being a major superstar. Jimbo: [near the beginning of the report] Hey, check it out! [the report ends and ominous music begins] Randy: [glued to the screen] Looks like next harvest will be even better. [begins to chant. The other shoppers join in, then Sheila, and finally, Stan and Kyle, who have apparently given up on talking sense to the adults. The image of the ET reporter and Miley stays onscreen]

Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, Mrs. Garrison's classroom. Mr. Mackey is speaking to the class Mr. Mackey: M'kay, kids, we have something very serious we need to discuss today, hm'kay? It appears that some kids in school are getting high by choking themselves. Some kids call it "The Choking Game", hm'kay but, but choking yourself is bad. Hm'kay? Don-, don't do that. Hm'kay? Kyle: You can get high from choking yourself? [Kenny feels for his neck through his hood, then squeezes once he finds it] Mr. Mackey: Schoolchildren are often experimenting with dangerous ways to get high, hm'kay, like sniffin' glue, guzzlin' cough medicine, huffin' paint, hm'kay? But they're all bad. M'kay? Butters: Mm-my cousin's in Florida, and said kids in their school get high off of cat pee. Cartman: Cat pee? [Kenny lets up and then tries to choke himself again] Stan: That's not true. You can't get high off of cat urine, can you? Mr. Mackey: Well, it's a it's not actually cat urine, but male cats, when they're marking their territory, uh spread concentrated urine to fend off other male cats and... a-and that could get you really high. M'kay? Re-really reeeally high. Okay? [Kenny is trying really hard to choke himself] Probably shou-shouldn't have told you that just now. Hm'kay? Tha, that was probably bad. Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. The original four boys are there, gathered around the coffee table on which stands a frame holding a cat in a harness. Cartman is almost done with the cat Cartman: All right, this should keep my cat in place while he sprays the urine. [Mr. Kitty meows] Yesss, poor Mr. Kitty, are you just so upset right now? [Mr. Kitty meows] Kyle: You guys are wasting your time. Stan: Yeah, this is not gonna work. Cartman: Okay, ready Kenny? Kenny: (All set.) Cartman: All right, bring out...! The other male cat. [Kyle walks to a pet carrier, opens the door, pulls out a brown striped cat, and places it on the coffee table opposite Mr. Kitty. The two cats meow at each other first, then growl at each other. After a short while, Mr. Kitty shoots concentrated piss into Kenny's face] Kenny: (Woah.) Kyle: Whoa! [Kenny staggers backwards. The other guys gather round him] Stan: Do you feel anything? Cartman: Well, Kenny? Are you buzzed? [Kenny's not responding. His mind is elsewhere...] Scene Description: Kenny's eyes are unfocused as his mind goes into an altered state. He seems to be going through space, then an acid trip, then both. Kenny descends into a Thunderbird fitted with rocket boosters and takes the wheel. He heads towards a desert planet and lands with a thud. He quickly shifts gears and peels away. He drives through the desert landscape until a curvaceous woman steps into his path. He stops. She wears a stylized cowboy hat and skimpy clothes. Kenny motions over and lets her take the wheel. Kenny can't help but look at her breasts. They head towards a huge building with breast-shaped touches all overs. The woman steps out and walks towards the stairs, then enters the building. Kenny quickly follows suit. As they walk through the building a creature stabs another one through the skull, killing him Kenny: (Hey cool! Check it out!) Father: I see that you're enticed by my daughter's awesome rocking tits. Kenny: (Yeahhh!) Father: Then bathe with my daughter in the fountain of Varnov. Appease the gods by lathering her boobs with soapy suds. Kenny: (Okay!) [follows her towards the fountain. At the fountain's edge, she undresses, then he begins to undress] (Woop! Woo-hoo!) Cartman: [through Kenny's hallucination] Kenny! Kenny, wake up! [In the middle of town, Cartman is stopping Kenny from disrobing any further] Wake up, Kenny! You all right? Kenny! Kenny: (What?) [opens his eyes and looks around] (Where'd she go?) [stands up and pulls up his pants.] Cartman: Dude, that cat urine really fucked you up. You were seriously tripping balls. Kenny: (You fucking asshole!) Cartman: Agh, Kenny! Knock it off! What's wrong with you? Kenny: [Punching Cartman] (What the fuck did you do that for?) Cartman: Ah, Kenny! [Stan and Kyle come up to restrain Kenny] Kyle: Dude! Dude, Kenny, calm down! Kenny: [walks away from them a bit, mad] (Aww i was so close! You should have seen her titties.) Stan: What titties? Kenny: [turns around] (The titties! Oh my god, they were incredible!) Kyle: Kenny, all you did after the cat peed in your face was start running around in circles cheering. Stan: Yeah, and then you ran through town screaming and started tearing off all your clothes. Kenny: (I almost... touched them.) Kyle: Dude, I don't think we should be messing around with that crap anymore. Scene Description: The Broflovski house, living room. Gerald walks in, grabs the remote from the sofa, turns on the TV, and sits down to watch Announcer: Next on FOX News! [SPECIAL REPORT: FOX NEWS] It's the newest drug craze. and it's killing your kids! ["killing your kids" appears over scenes of kids falling over] Gerald: Killing our kids? [leans forward] Reporter: All over America, kids are getting high... on cat urine! [two women have their cats face off, and one of them gets concentrated urine on her face. She laughs] Huffing cat urine apparently causes a euphoric state [the affected woman moved her arms up and open, then freezes as her eyes get unfocused] and is also referred to as... cheesing. [Letters cut out into cheese shapes appear: "CHEESING". Cut to the front of J. Brown Elementary School, day.] Why "cheesing"? Because it's "fon to due". [the words appear onscreen. Cut to a girl's silhouette] This sixth grade girl said she's been snorting cat piss for several months. Girl: [in a deep, electronically-altered voice] We sometimes sneak out during recess and a friend named _________ goes and gets her cats, and we'll just cheese all day long. Gerald: Oh my God! Sheila! Come look at this! Reporter: So how can you tell if your child is cheesing? [some graphics begin to appear] 1. Your child seems distant, preoccupied. 2. Your child's face smells like cat urine. 3. When you see tigers at the zoo, your child starts grinding his or her teeth. You might also notice by certain phrases your child says to school friends, such as "Hey, let's go cheese." or "Do you feel like cheesing, guys?" or "Dude, I'm cheesing my F-ing brains out right now." Sheila: [now standing next to Gerald] Kids are doing this? Reporter: Kids do it because it's legal. [a teen boy looks at the camera with a fierce face. A skull and crossbones appear over it] What can you do before it's too late? [a picture of a cat switches with its negative for a strobe effect a few times, then ends with the negative and an echoing meow] Gerald: We have to protect our children from this, Sheila. Scene Description: Town meeting, next day. On stage are Mr. Mackey, Principal Victoria, Mayor McDaniels, Gerald (at the podium), Sheila, and Officer Barbrady Gerald: Twenty percent of American students aged six to twelve say they have tried cheesing at least once. Kids also refer to it as "the cheese game", or "vitamin cheese", or "Mary Jane piss in your face fun time". Cheesing is spreading fast. Sharon: [stands up] All right, we're all sufficiently scared, Gerald, but what could we do? Gerald: I have written up a bill that would make having a cat illegal in the city of South Park. Stephen: [stands up] Gerald's right. We all have to face it. Cats are deadly animals! If you stick your nose up their crotch and snort their piss, they can kill you! Gerald: With my super lawyer powers, we can rid our town of cats, so that our kids can never get high again! Randy: [stands up again] Let's hear it for Gerald! Stephen: [stands up again] Hooray for Gerald! [the rest of the audience begins to cheer and argue] Scene Description: The neighborhood. Black vans arrive and DEA agents jump out of them. The agents enter people's houses and confiscate any cats found there. Some agents take away a small boy's cat. Bebe loses her cat Thumper to a pet carrier. Craig Tucker's sister in her sandbox cries as an agent grabs her cat out of her hands Tricia: No! No! Agent 1: Oh wah wah! Get over it, druggie. [walks off with the cat] Jeez... [Two other agents leave another house with a cat] Man: Goodbye, Scrambles. [his daughter cries into his left pant leg] We'll miss you. [nearby, the cats are tossed into the DEA vans and taken away] Scene Description: Kenny's house, night. He's about to cheese when two agents break in and confiscate the two cats he has there Agent 2: Got two here. Kenny: (Hey! What the fuck are you doing?!) Agent 1: Sorry, these are illegal. Kenny: (What?! No! What are you doing?!) [the agents toss the cats into the van] (You fuckers!) [the van drives off.] Scene Description: Cartman's house. Three agents comb the living room Cartman: Look, I told you, I had a cat. But I had it put to sleep 'cause it pissed me off. [the agents soon leave, and Cartman walks up to the dim attic with a small book] Shh. Mr. Kitty, you have to live in the attic for now. [drops the book in front of the cat] Here. Write a diary. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, hallway. Butters stands around while Cartman and Stan visit their lockers. Kyle walks up to them. Kyle: Guys, have you seen Kenny? Stan: Nah, I think Kenny's out sick today. Kyle: Yeah, and he was out sick yesterday too. Guys... [Cartman and Stan turn to listen] I think Kenny isn't here because he's at home cheesing. Butters: Aww, come on. Kenny knows how dangerous cheesing is. Stan: Yeah, and where is he gonna find cats anyway? They've been outlawed. Cartman: Yeah, who has cats these days? [laughs nervously] Kyle: Pot's illegal too, but people still manage to find it. Ever since that first time Kenny cheesed, he hasn't been the same. You've all noticed the change in him. I'll bet Kenny's at home cheesing right now. Scene Description: Kenny's hallucination. He's back in the alternate world, this time riding a giant bird, but the landscape is the same - breast shapes are everywhere. Kenny sees the large-breasted woman from his first trip, but now she's strapped onto a rack and is being whipped by three burly men. These men are mutants with four breasts instead of two, and two more breasts on their shoulders. Kenny lands and hops off the bird, finds a metal spear nearby, and launches it. It strikes the middle mutant man through the neck and out the sternum, killing him. The other two run away. Kenny runs to the woman, and she smiles at him. They both ride on the giant bird, with the woman's boobs resting on Kenny's head Kenny: (Woohoohoo! Woooohoooo! Woooohoohoo!) Scene Description: Kenny's house. Kyle, Stan, and Butters stand outside his door. Kyle pounds at the door. Kyle: Kenny? [pounds three more times] Stan: Kenny, you home? [Kenny yells some more. Alarmed, the boys open the door and enter the house. They see that Kenny was indeed cheesing. Two cats look back at them.] Kenny: [really high] (Wooooooohoohoo! Woo! Wazzup? Wazzup?) [one cat runs out] Kyle: Kenny! Kenny: [still cheering and making flying motions] (Victory! Ho-Ho! Wooooooo!) Butters: Whoa boy, he's cheesed out of his mind! [Kenny flutters some more, stops, and passes out, falling to the floor] Stan, Kyle: Kenny! Scene Description: Moments later, Kenny is at the dining room table. A lock of his hair peeks out from under his hood. Butters has prepared a cup of coffee and gives it to him. Stan and Kyle stand nearby Butters: There you go. Well, try some coffee, Ken. Kenny: [groans] Kyle: Kenny, we need to have a serious talk. Kenny: (No we don't, guys.) Stan: Yes, we do. We're your friends, dude. We're not gonna let you ruin your life. Kenny: (I'm not ruining my life, okay? Will you guys just back the fuck off?) Kyle: Look at yourself! You've got to lay off the cheese! [abruptly, Kenny vomits, stops, then vomits again. Some of it gets on Butters' face and shirt.] Butters: Yeah, that's it little buddy. Just let it out. Stan: Kenny, I know we're super-cool and everything, but if we ever catch you cheesing again, we're gonna tell on you. Kenny: [exhausted] (Ugh, okay, okay, I just wanna sleep now.) Butters: Yeah, he needs some sleepy night-night, doesn't he, buddy? Kyle: [grabs the other cat as it walks up to him] We've gotta keep this away from him. Scene Description: Cartman's house, night, Cartman's room. He's asleep. A cat meows and awakens him. The cat meows again Cartman: [sits up] Mr. Kitty, shhh! [Mr. Kitty meows a 3rd time] Damn it! [gets up and leaves the bed. A small door to the attic opens and Cartman pops in with a candle. Mr. Kitty is nearby] Shhh, Mr. Kitty you have to be quiet, or else they're gonna find you. [Mr. Kitty goes to a window and meows. Cartman follows him to the window] What?! [looks out a half-moon window and sees a cat, it meows] It's the neighbor cat. He hasn't been caught yet. [Mr. Kitty meows] No- no, Mr. Kitty. I know you like Rufus, but he has to fend for himself. [Mr. Kitty meows] I can't hide anymore cats, Mr. Kitty. [crosses his arms] I'm in trouble enough as it is. [Mr. Kitty paws at Cartman] All right, all right, fine. [heads to the attic door and goes downstairs, closing the door behind him] Scene Description: Cartman's house, outside. Cartman appears around a corner dressed in overcoat and fedora Cartman: [whispers and motions] All right. Come on, Rufus. Quietly. [two kittens walk up next to Rufus] Oh jeez, no, no, I can't hide you all. [they all look at him sadly, one of them meows] I'm sorry, you'll just have to find somewhere else to- [the cats lower their head further while focusing on Cartman, Cartman starts to have tears in his eyes] Well, I suppose I'll get in just as much trouble for four cats as for two. Come on. [turns and leaves] Scene Description: Kyle's house, day, Kyle's room. Sheila enters with folded clothes, walks to Kyle's dresser, and starts putting his clothes away. After putting away a pair of briefs she spots a cat hidden between his shirts and his briefs Sheila: Huh? [removes the clothes hiding the cat] Oh my God... [moments later she's downstairs standing next to Gerald.] Gerald: Kyle! Kyle, can we talk to you for a minute, please? Kyle: [walks up to them] Yeah? Gerald: Kyle, have you been getting high?! Kyle: [shrugs] No. Gerald: Then why did your mother find this [holds up a bag of contraband - the cat] in your dresser drawer?! Kyle: [holds his hands out in denial] All right, look, th-that isn't mine. I'm just holding it for a friend. Sheila: [pointing] Don't lie to us, Kyle! Gerald: How long have you been on the cheese?! Kyle: I'm not cheesing. I've never cheesed once in my life. Gerald: Get up to your room right now until your mother and I figure out how to deal with this! Kyle: Dad, will you just listen to me for a second? Gerald: Now, Kyle! Kyle: God! [goes upstairs] Sheila: Gerald, what are we gonna do? Our son is a cat pee addict! Gerald: First thing is we've gotta dispose of this! Sheila: What are you gonna do? Gerald: I'd better just... take it down to the basement for now, m-make sure Kyle can't find it. [heads off] Scene Description: The basement. The door opens and Gerald enters. He locks the door and goes down a few steps, then looks at the cat. Gerald: [showing a weakness of some sort] No. No, what am I thinking? I shouldn't do this. [continues down the steps] I've been clean for ten... years. I haven't even been near a cat. [getting dramatic] But then that report said our kids were doing it too, and... and I knew Kyle would have the same sicknesses I used to have... Now a cat is in our home, and it's too tempting. [approaches a contraption similar to the one Cartman made, but this one has a movie projector and screen. He takes the cat out of the bag and straps it into the contraption] I... I'll just do it one more time. [ties the cat's tail to the roof of the contraption's frame so there's no obstruction] One. Last. Time. [unfurls the screen] Then I'll call the police; have them pick up the cat. [moves a large empty box aside] And then I'll never do it again. [kneels down at the table and grabs the projector's trigger] After this one... last... time... [click. The projector begins to roll and a cat appears onscreen. The cat in the harness gets excited and begins to snarl. It finally squirts and Gerald stumbles backward a bit. He walks backward and freezes, his eyes unfocused] Scene Description: Gerald's hallucination. He enters the same alternate universe Kenny has been in, but he's flying a B-17 bomber called Jewish Princess. He lands on the same desert planet Kenny landed on earlier. He gets off the plane and is greeted by the large-breasted woman Gerald: I couldn't stay away. Curse your rockin' tits! Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. The doorbell rings. Cartman rushes to answer it. Cartman: Who is it?! Woman: [with a foreign accent] Please! Open the door. [he opens the door, and a middle-aged woman stands before him] They say you are hiding cats. Cartman: [quickly looks both ways] Hiding cats? [nervously] Why, that would be illegal. [backs into the living room] Woman: [enters] You don't understand [kneels] My little Nishka, [produces the cat] She has nowhere else to go. Cartman: Oh oh no no, I cannot possibly take in another. Woman: But they will find her. Cartman: I've already taken in the Andersons' cats, and the Willinskys'. There's simply nothinng else I can- [his weakness comes through as the cat gazes at him] Then again... perhaps I could find space for just this one more... Woman: [hands him Nishka, Cartman takes Nishka and pets her] Oh, you show such kindness in such darkest of times. [begins to sob. Cartman joins her] Scene Description: Cartman's attic, or secret annex. Cartman opens the door and is about to drop Nishka in when something catches his attention Cartman: What the hell? [Kenny has somehow found the cats and is squeezing them to get cheesed. His face and parka are covered with concentrated piss. He grabs another cat and cheeses some more] Kenny, get out of here! Kenny: (Woooooh! Woooooh!) [Kenny dances out of the attic] Cartman: Aw, crap- Kenny! [Cartman begins to follow him down, but stops temporarily] Bad. Kitties. Scene Description: Kyle's room, day. He's moping around when the doorbell rings Kyle: Dad! Somebody's at the front door! [the doorbell rings twice and Kyle goes to his room door] Well am I grounded or not?! [the doorbell rings three times] Ugh. Fine! I'll get it! [leaves his room and opens the front door] Stan: Dude, we've got a big problem. Cartman says Kenny is really messed up. Cartman: He's cheesing his fucking balls off, dude. Kyle: [quizzically] What? Stan: He apparently got to all the cats Cartman's been hiding in his attic. Kyle: What are you doing with cats in your attic, fatass?! Cartman: They're innocent victims in this, Kyle! They have to hide or they'll be put to death! Something you just can't understand! [crosses his arms and looks away. Stan opens his mouth in shock, Kyle looks angrily at Cartman] Stan: Come on, we've gotta find Kenny before he hurts himself. Kyle: I can't. My dad grounded me. Wait a minute, where is my dad? Scene Description: The huge Steamline building the large-breasted woman led Kenny into before. This time, she leads Gerald in. Gerald: Hey everybody. Good to see you again. [Gerald and the woman head for the fountain. They both start undressing.] Father: Hold! You cannot yet caress my daughter's awesome boobage! Gerald: Huh... how come? Father: There is... another suitor. [Kenny walks into view] Gerald: What? [sees who it is] Get out of here, kid! Kenny: (No, fuck you! She's my girl!) Gerald: You're too young for this stuff! Father: This must be decided at the Breastriary in Nippopolis! [the woman hides her privates, her father's arm blocks a full view of her breasts] Scene Description: The Breastriary. It's built like the Colosseum in Rome, but each level has a different design... made of concrete breasts. The interior too is made of breast-shaped pieces, including a magnificent entrance made of ten massive breasts Father: Now fight for the Loc-Nar trophy! [the camera pans down and left to reveal a golden trophy made of two female statuettes kneeling back to back and holding their arms out. The woman places her breasts on their hands so it looks like the actual trophy is her breasts.] Scene Description: The Breastriary floor. Kenny and Gerald face off in a joust on giant ostriches - who also have big breasts. Their lances have protective tips made of a giant breast for each lance. The rivals hold their lances up, bring them down, and charge at each other. They knock each other off the ostriches and the crowd roars. The father, emperor of this place, sits down to enjoy the match. Kenny grabs a sword with a hilt made of a pair of breasts. Gerald grabs a breast-shaped shield and a battle ax with a normal blade on one side and a pair of breasts on the other. They are evenly matched, as neither can gain an advantage over the other. Scene Description: A sand box in a city park, day. Gerald and Kenny are fighting in it, oblivious to the crowd gathering around them. They grunt and punch each other. Kyle, Stan, and Cartman show up and Kyle spots Gerald Kyle: Dad? Dad! What the hell are you doing?! Jimbo: They've been goin' at it for a good thirty minutes. Gerald: She's mine, you little asshole! Kenny: (Get the fuck off of me!) Sheila: [arriving] Gerald?! Scene Description: A news report. A Channel 4 news reporter stands by Reporter: The key proponent of the cat ban has been charged with cheesing in a public park. Gerald Broflovski is prepared to give a public statement. Gerald: I would like to address a personal matter: I have let myself down. And I would first like to apologize to my lovely wife. Sheila: Don't touch me. Gerald: And to the people of South Park. [a shot of the town square and its citizens] I was wrong, and I can't let cats take the fall anymore. It's our fault. The people who use cats for their sweet urine. [Kenny looks down in shame] We have to learn that cheesing just isn't worth it. Sure, you get to fight in the Breastriary, and swim in the Fountains of Varnov with the Itty Titty Fairies of Mammary Mountain. Stan: [puzzled] What the hell is he talking about? Kyle: [eyes closed] I have no idea. Gerald: And then you fight the Boob Goblin in the Gazongas Cave, and then the girl may thank you for it. But she. Isn't. Real. Randy: And you never really get a good look at her naked boobs anyway. [Sharon glares at him.] Gerald: Problem is, the more you go into that world, the more you need to go. Until you start blowing off all the real people who care about you. [Kenny looks down again] Kenny: (Yeah. I guess so.) Gerald: Cats aren't the problem. We made cats illegal and and then I cheesed for the first time in ten years. And kids are always gonna find a new way to get high. Like sniffing glue or licking toads, or fermenting feces or huffing paint. You can also look at- Stephen: [cupping Butters' ears so Butters can't hear anything] Uh okay, that's probably good, Gerald. Gerald: The point is, I was wrong. Its time to legalize cats! [grins wide, then begins to cheer] Heh yeah! Hooray for Gerald! Hey, let's hear it for Gerald! [crowd remains silent] Scene Description: South Park, day. The camera drops down and focuses on Scrambles' house. The DEA agents return and gives Scrambles back to his family Girl 2's father: Scrambles! So good to have you back! You ain't sore at us, are ya? [Scrambles hisses, then scratches the father all over his head. His frightened wife and daughter leave him alone] Ahh! Get him off! [the boys, standing across the street, turn around] Stan: I'm sure glad that's over with. [the boys turn left and walk away] Kenny: (Me too.) Cartman: But you know, we've all learned something, you guys. We can never persecute living beings and force them into hiding. It's wrong. [Kyle stops] Kyle: [cross] And you don't see any parallel between that and anything else in history? Cartman: [strokes his chin] Mmmmmmmmmm nope. I have no idea what you're talking about, Kyle. Stan: You guys! Check it out. [smiles] It's Kenny. [Kenny has crossed the street to reach a flower patch. He picks one out and inhales deeply] Isn't that great? He's just getting high on life. Kyle: Yeah. [Kenny begins to grab more flowers with gusto to get more of their aroma. The other boys get worried] He's getting... really high on life. [Kenny begins to snort and grabs all the flowers he can, treating them just as he did the cats earlier.] Cartman: Dude, he's getting super-wasted on life. Kyle: [runs to Kenny] Kenny! [Stan and Cartman follow. Kenny falls in Kyle's arms, goes into spasms, and then freezes, his eyes unfocused] Stan: What the hell kind of flowers are those? Kyle: Kenny? Kenny?! Scene Description: Kenny is back in the world of his hallucination, back in the modified Thunderbird. He's flying through space with the large-breasted woman at the wheel. Every planet and moon looks like a breast or pair of breasts. Kenny: [dances in time with the music, then gazes up at the woman's bouncing boobs] (Woo-hoo-hoo!) Scene Description: The Thunderbird goes into warp and disappears.

Scene Description: The South Park Elementary school gym, day. The students have been called to show up there. Mr. Mackey comes out and stands in front of a big TV and between two bulky tower speakers Mr. Mackey: Students, quiet please, m'kay? As you may or may not know, today is Canada Appreciation Day. Cartman: Oh God, I'm bored already. Mr. Mackey: M'kay, so we've been asked to show you a video from the World Canadian Bureau. Uh start the tape please? [exits right as the tape starts up. A Canadian flag appears onscreen] WCB President: [appears in his office onscreen] Hello, I am Stephen Abootman, President of the World Canadian Bureau. Do you ever stop to think how important Canada is to the world? Right now, I would like all students of Canadian descent in this school to stand up. [no one moves a muscle until one lone Canadian boy, Ike, stands up.] Just look at all these fine Canadians in your school. See how diverse they are. When you think of Canada, what's the one thing that comes to mind? Cartman: Gayness! [everyone laughs and looks at Ike, who looks chagrined.] Stephen Abootman: That's right: spirit! What is it that makes Canada so important? Craig: Nothing! [everyone laughs harder and looks at Ike.] Scene Description: Canada, day, a crowd stands in front of a building with G on it. Stephen Abootman: My fellow Canadians, for too long we have been pushed around, and ridiculed! Yesterday was supposed to be a day of appreciation and understanding! Instead, Canada Appreciation Day was mocked worldwide! [the crowd begins to clamor] Man 1: [wearing #10] Nobody takes us Canadians seriousleh! Lumberjack: It's like the world doesn't respect Canada at all, eh? Stephen Abootman: That's right! And I think it's time for Canada to show the world just how bad things would be without it! Together we can send a message! It's time for Canada ...to strike! Woman 1: Did you say strike? Stephen Abootman: Yes! Every Canadian join me! Join together! Man 2: Canada, on strike. Man 3: Canada, on strike. Canadians: [a different crowd shot for each "Canadaaa"] Canadaaa! Canadaaa! Canadaaa! Caaanaaadaaa! Canada on strike! Canada says "No more!" No more neglect! We want respect! That's what we're striking for! All you bureaucrats and corporate cats Border Guard: Can all just take a hike! [rolls down his window shade] Canadians: [large crowd] It's Canaada! On Strike! [they whip out their strike signs] Canada on strike! From Vancouver to St. John's [both locations are shown], We raise our middle fingers for you all to sit upon! [a hockey team] And with our fingers up your ass, [workers at The Canadian Maple Syrup Company] you won't be very psyched [workers in the building drop syrup barrels from the upper floors] It's Canada! On Strike! [Mounties march in a circle] And we will not bow a bunch! Our resolve is strong! [A conductor leads a group of singers] We even took three hours to rehearse this striking song! [a trumpeter leans in and toots.] [Pizza Nut] Canada on strike! No matter where you are, [On TV at Café 180] If you are Canadian then you've got to do your part! March out of the halls! Café 180 patron: [stands up and poses] That's right, suck my Canadian balls! [runs out and poses] It's Canada! On Strike! Canadians: [the camera zooms out to a view from space of a nation of singing Canadians] It's Canada! Canada! Canada! On Strike! [a lone Canadian laughs somewhere] Scene Description: The United Nations, day. Swiss delegate: Ahhh, when you say "Canada is on strike", what exactly do you mean? Stephen Abootman: What do you think it means?! [pounds the table] We're striking, buddih! No more! That's it! Until we get what we want French delegate: Who exactly are you to authorize this strike? Stephen Abootman: I'm Stephen Abootman! Leader of the WGA! French delegate: The WGA? Stephen Abootman: [crosses his arms] Yes! The World Canadian Bureau! [the other delegates don't react.] French delegate: What exactly does Canada want? Stephen Abootman: We want: more... money! Aide 1: [with mustache] Yeah! More money! Japanese delegate: More money from where? Stephen Abootman: Just more money! You know! Canada doesn't get enough money! Other countries have lots of money; we want, we want some of that money! Hu- how about- the Internet? The Internet makes lots of money! So give us some of that money! Aide 1: Yeah! Give us Internet money! British delegate: A Mister A- Abootman, you seem to- not understand how ...global economics works. I think that- Stephen Abootman: Don't give me that fat-cat fancy lip-wiggling! Are you gonna give Canada more money or not?! [pounds his fist on the table a few times] British delegate: I'm afraid we can't. Stephen Abootman: Then you leave Canada no choice. [heads for the doors. His aides open them and he heads out] This strike shall continue! [the aides head out, closing the doors behind them.] Scene Description: A snowy night in South Park, a shot of Kyle's room through his window. Kyle heads to the front end of his room to look out the window. Out on the sidewalk stands Ike with his own strike sign: "HONK if you support CANADA" Cars pass by without stopping. Kyle suffers for him. A car pulls up and Ike turns to face it Husband: "Honk if you support Canada" He- hey honey, watch this. [honks twice] Wife: [looks at him] Oh, we're supporting unions. Husband: That's right; we're a very progressive couple. Wife: Yes. [reaches over and honks the horn] Oh, that's fun! Husband: Well we've done our good deed for the week. I think now I can make love to your anus without making God angry. Wife: Oh really? Goodie! [they drive off. Ike watches them leave] Scene Description: Stan's house, day. Stan, Butters, and Cartman are watching TV. Kyle walks in from outside Kyle: Guys, I'm really worried about my brother. Cartman: We don't care. *urp* Kyle: You should care! This strike affects everybody, fatass! Stan: Sh ush ush, it'sa it's on! Butters: Yippie! Announcer: It's the Terrance and Phillip Show. [Terrance and Phillip in] Today's episode: I Fart Huckabees. [Terrance and Phillip are shown dressed in Viking warrior outfits] Butters: Aww, this one again?! Stan: God, they've replayed this one like eighty times now! Terrance: Say Phillip, I just bought this new hybrid car. Phillip: Oh? Does it run on electricity? Terrance: [the boys say the line too] No, it uses natural gas. [they do raspberries as Terrance farts on Phillip. Terrance and Phillip laugh] Phillip: Not as fat as your face! Butters: Huh, it somehow loses its punch after multiple viewings. Cartman: God damn it, when are they going to air new Terrance and Phillip shows?! Kyle: There aren't gonna be new shows! Don't you get it?! Terrance and Phillip are Canadian! We have to get Canada to end this strike! Stan: It's not a big deal. We can just watch American comedy. ["Terrance and Phillip" disappears and "Family Guy" comes on] Peter Griffin: You think that's bad? Remember the time I sang "La Cucaracha" for Paul McCartney? Cartman: [jumps off the couch and runs to the TV] No! NOOO! Peter Griffin: La Cucaracha- [Cartman turns off the TV and faces his friends] Cartman: We are NOT... resorting to that! Scene Description: Striking Canadians, day. Canadians: We want more! We want more! Stephen Abootman: One, two, three, four, Canada deserves more (money)! One, two, three, four, Canada deserves more (money)! [Terrance and Phillip walk up to him] Terrance: Look, buddih, me and Phillip need to go home for a bit. Stephen Abootman: Go home?! You can't leave the picket line! Terrance: But this is taking too long, and Phillip is diabetic. Stephen Abootman: Look, guy, we are to stay strong! If you don't stand with your fellow Canadians, then you are a rat! Terrance: Don't call me a rat, buddih! Stephen Abootman: I'm not your buddih, friend! Phillip: He's not your friend, guy! Stephen Abootman: I'm not your guy, buddih! Terrance: He's not your buddih, friend! Stephen Abootman: I'm not your friend, guy! [all three fall silent, and Stephen goes forward] Don't you two understand anything?! You think striking is a joke?! You think it's something to ridicule?! Weird Hat Guy: [pops in] Yah, you think this is funnih? Stephen Abootman: [moves to address the whole crowd] Don't you see that we have to stand together or else we have nothing?! Aide 1: [runs up with a cell phone] Stephen! Stephen! A call came in from the United States! They want to talk to you aboot ending the strike! Stephen Abootman: What did I tell you?! I told you we'd get to them sooner or later! [the crowd gets excited and starts chatting] Shh, shh, quiet everyone! Let me handle this. [everyone falls silent as he takes the call] Yes. This is Stephen Abootman, head of the WGA. Kyle: Uh, hi, we want you to end this strike. [he's calling from his house, with the other boys standing back aways] Stephen Abootman: Oh you do, huh?! [muffles the phone, then tells the others] They've had enough. They want us to end the strike. [everyone cheers] Quiet, quiet, shh, shh, sh- quiet, quiet! Let me deal with this. [the Canadians fall silent and Stephen returns to the phone] All right, we're prepared to end this strike! If you are agreeing that we should have more monihhh! Kyle: We totally think you should have more money. Stephen Abootman: Wwe got 'em! We did it! [jumps up and down with much energy. Everyone cheers. "Great job!"] All right, how much are you gonna give us? Kyle: Huh? Well we don't really have that much money. Stephen Abootman: Oh, negotiating hardball, are we?! What about all that Internet money?! Kyle: The Internet? Stephen Abootman: You listen to me, friend! [walks away from the crowd so they don't hear him so loudly] You'd better figure out a way to get us our fair amount of money, and until you come back with a solid fair number, I'm finished talking to you, you slimy corporate dickhead! [hangs up, then faces the crowd] Don't worry, don't worry. This is how negotiating works. This is good. We've got 'em by the balls. Scene Description: Kyle looks at the phone dumbfounded. The other boys walk up Stan: What'd they say? Kyle: They said we have to give them money that we make on the Internet. Cartman: How are we supposed to make money on the Internet? Butters: Well, how do other people make money on the Internet? Kyle: We'd have to put something up on the Internet that everyone would find fascinating. Cartman: [steps up] Wait. I've got it. Scene Description: A video. Butters is on a stage with bluescreen so it looks like he's actually in a spaceship. He's in his normal clothes, and he begins to dance. To his right rises Spaceman Butters, and to his left rises Pajama Butters. Butters: I said what what? In the butt I said what what? In the butt I said what what? In the butt [the teddy bear outfit returns] I said what what? In the butt You wanna do it in my butt, in my butt? You wanna do it in my butt, in my butt? You wanna do it in my butt, in my butt? [Stan gives a thumbs-up. Cartman does the same. The video is on YouToob] Let's do it in the butt. O-kay! [from behind a big chocolate heart] It's okay [Butters floating in space] Ih-if you have a little fight [Nelly in her room watches the video] Don't you worry [Butters bites into the heart] I won't bite (Not that hard) [Spaceman Butters] If you want it [a man watches the video] I'll give you power Just be gentle [Flower Butters] I'm delicate like a flower Give it to me, if you please Give it to me, if you please Nun: Oh my. Butters: [now in three voices] I said what what? In the butt I said what what? In the butt [wearing black jeans with "what what" on the butt] I said what what? In the butt I said what what? In the butt You wanna do it in my butt, in my butt? You wanna do it in my butt, in my butt? [a naked Butters holds a rose] You wanna do it in my butt, in my butt? Let's do it in the butt. O-kay! Scene Description: Kyle's room. The boys have been watching the video from there Cartman: There's more people viewing it! Stan: This is going great! Kyle: [walks over to the window] Don't worry, Ike! The strike will be over soon! [Ike is on his back] Scene Description: Canada, night. The Canadians are beat. Some walk around listlessly, others have facial hair, all have bags under their eyes Tom: And in other world news, the leader of Japan today is calling for an increase in military spending. Aide 1: How come they never mention anything about us?! When are they gonna get to the strike?! Stephen Abootman: Don't worry, the strike is big news. I'm sure it will be one of the top stories. Tom: In other news tonight, it the Internet video that has already seen over ten million views. A young confused-looking boy dancing and singing a song called "What What (In My Asshole)". Reporter: [in front of Butters' house] Tom, in just one week the video has become the most watched thing in all of America. [Butters appears at his bedroom window and waves at the camera] The boy in the video, referred to by most as "that little gay kid", [Butters stops and leaves the window] has already been asked to appear on Jimmy Kimmel and The Today Show. Stephen Abootman: Aw damn it that's not news! What about us?! Phillip: Look, ah, Stephen, Terrance and I were talking andeh, well it's, it's starting to look like maybe we're not gonna win this thing, you know? Stephen Abootman: We'll win! We'll just have to stay resilient! Phillip: Wull, yeah, but everyone is dying of starvation. Terrance: Yeah, let's give it up, guy. Stephen Abootman: Don't call me your guy! I'm not your guy, friend! Terrance: Well I'm not your friend, buddih! Stephen Abootman: Well I'm not your buddih, guy! Woman 2: Wait! Here it is! Turn it up! We're on! Tom: And finally tonight, a new development in the Canada strike. For those of you who don't remember or don't care, Canada has been striking for more money. [the Canadians cheer] Stephen Abootman: All right! Shh! I told you, I told you, listen, listensh, listen listen listen. Tom: In a shocking turn of events, it now appears that thousands of people from Denmark are flooding into the United States with hopes of taking the place of the striking Canadians. Stephen Abootman: What? Scene Description: An airport. A plane from Denmark is parked on the tarmac and Danish people pour out of it. The Danish have both Canadian and normal features - Canadian bodies and jaws and normal eyes Female reporter: Do you really think you Danish can replace the Canadians? Danish man: Well, where we come from it's pretty cold too, ja. We like hockey and nobody really pays any attention to us. Danish woman: Nobody knows where Denmark is. Danish man: Right. So when you think about it, we're the Canadians of Europe. Scene Description: Back in Canada Stephen Abootman: SCABS! How could you?! [runs up to the TV annd destroys it with one kick] Scene Description: A lobby, somewhere. DIM, it says. Department of Internet Money. Stan and the boys walk up to the help desk. They look around before Stan steps forward Stan: Ah, hi. We made a really successful thing on the Internet, and we'd like to collect our money. Clerk: Take a number and wait with everyone else. Cartman: Ma'am, perhaps you don't recognize the Internet sensation Little Gay Kid from YouToob. Clerk: [not taking time out from her work] Take a number and wait with everyone else! [Stan takes a numbered slip from the dispenser and leads the other boys to some seats in a waiting room nearby] Tay Zonday: [slowly, a little creepily] Chocolate Raaain. Butters: Aaah. [another man walks up to the boys] Tron Guy: Hey, I know you. You're the "What What (In My Asshole)" kid. Butters: [insulted, crosses his arms] "What What (In The Butt)," sir. Stan: It's Tron Guy. I saw him on YouToob. Tron Guy: Yeah, sure. All the biggest Internet stars are here. You remember, of course, Numa Numa. [to his right is the Numa Numa guy. He begins dancing to a song] Numa Numa Guy: Ma-iyahi Ma-iyahu Ma-iyaho, Ma-iyaha ha. Tron Guy: And the Star Wars kid. [the kid starts to dance around as in his video] And the Internet sensation Cute Sneezing Panda. [as in its video, the mother panda sneezes as soon as her child moves] And there's Dramatic Look Gopher. [the camera pans by a lonely girl and focuses on the gopher, who seems to notice the camera is on him. He quickly turns to face the camera and freezes] Cartman: Wow, I've seen all you guys on the Internet! Tay Zonday: [to Butters] So, how many people have seen your Internet video? Butters: Uhhh a few hundred thousand? Tay Zonday: Huh, mere peanuts. Chocolate Rain has done gangbusters. Theoretically, I'm a millionaire. Cartman: Dude, screw you. Your Internet thing was so last year. Chris Crocker: [jumps in out of nowhere] Leave Chocolate Rain Guy alone! Leave him alohohone! I'm serious! [a phone rings and Kyle digs into his pocket] Kyle: [finds the phone...] Excuse me. [...leaves his seat and exits the waiting room. Then he takes the call] Hello? Stephen Abootman: [sitting on a cardboard box] You greedy corporate fat cat. You said you would get us moneh. Kyle: Wait we're working on it. Stephen Abootman: [stands and moves forward] You're stalling! Because you think I'll give up. You know that most Canadians are talkin' about giving up the strike already. [coughs away from the phone] You've got me over a barrel and you know it! Kyle: Sir, we're doing everything we can. Stephen Abootman: You want me to say it again?! You've got me over a barrel! There, you happy?! You've got me bent over a barrel with my tender ass just waiting to be pulverized by your thrusting manhood! [Kyle stays quiet] Do you realize how stupid I'm going to look if I call off the strike after starting all this?! I won't do it! You hear me, guy?! You're wrong! No matter what happens I will never call of this strike! Even if it means we all. Die. Kyle: We don't want you to die. Stephen Abootman: Then you'd better hurry. We don't have much longer. The blood will be on your hands. [slowly hangs up] Scene Description: Back at the waiting room... Kyle returns Kyle: We have to speed this up! [to Chocolate Rain Guy] Uh, can we collect our Internet money in front of you, please? Tay Zonday: I don't think so. Nothing takes priority over Chocolate Rain. Star Wars Kid: Oh, here he goes with the ego again. Who crowned you the top Internet star?! Tay Zonday: I did. When I became bigger than all you bitches. Tron Guy: Oh please, Laughing Baby had four times as many views as you! [the baby begins to laugh and laugh...] Tay Zonday: You'd better shut your fuckin' mouth, Laughin' Baby! Afro Ninja: Did you all forget about Afro Ninja? My Internet thing was bigger than anybody's. I made over a hundred million theoretical dollars. Star Wars Kid: Well Sneezing Panda is theoretically worth billions! Tay Zonday: You all wanna motherfuckin' die?! [whips out a Glock and cocks it] Chris Crocker: NOOO! [grabs the gun and tries to wrestle it from Chocolate Rain Guy] Scene Description: A battle royal begins. Tron Guy whips out a frisbee and chucks it at Numa Numa. It hits Numa Numa's left cheek Numa Numa Guy: Haw! Scene Description: Afro Ninja fights the Star Wars Kid, Numa Numa fights Tron Guy, Chris Crocker fights Chocolate Rain Guy. Afro Ninja knocks Star Wars Guy away with his nunchucks, then tries a back flip and falls on his face. He gets up groggily and stumbles away. The baby laughs some more Kyle: Okay, forget it. We'll wait our turn. Tron Guy: Hai Hayaaa! Numa Numa Guy: Ma-iyahi Ma-iyahu Ma-iyah- [kicks Tron Guy in the balls, then lands a left hook on his face] Chris Crocker: [jumps in to separate the two men] Leave Tron Guy alone! Leave him alone! [the baby continues laughing. Chocolate Rain Guy grabs Chris Crocker by the hair and drags him around. Chris is screaming] Tay Zonday: Get ready for some chocolate pain, bitch! [aims his right at Chris' head. Chris quickly bites Chocolate Rain Guy's right leg, making him drop the gun. The mother panda mauls Numa Numa, Tron Guy throws his frisbee again, and Chris Crocker jumps in again] Chris Crocker: Leave the panda alone! Leave her alone, I'm serious! [the mother panda stands on her hind legs and just swats Chris out of view, killing him. Chocolate Rain Guy reaches for his fallen gun, turns around, and kills Star Wars Kid with two shots. The mother panda mauls Tron Guy to death, and Chocolate Rain Guy kills the panda with four shots. He then aims at the gopher] Tay Zonday: Thought I forgot about you, Gopher?! [the gopher, who's facing away from him, suddenly turns its head to him, looking at him intently] Ughhh, my brains. [his head swells up and explodes. His body staggers for a few seconds, then falls to the side. One last bullet leaves his gun and blows the gopher's head off. Anyone who was involved in the battle is gone] Cartman: Sweet. I think we're next in line now. Scene Description: Kyle's house, day. Ike is still on the front lawn, still on his back. He blinks Scene Description: Canada, day. Everyone there is now tired out. Some have died, as they have X's where their eyes should be. The camera moves forward to the G (for Government) building, then flies up the side until it reaches Mr. Abootman's office. Mr. Abootman looks out the window at the crowd beneath him Aide 1: [opens the office door] Stephen!, Stephen! They're here! They've come to negotiate! Stephen Abootman: [turns around] What?! You mean it?! [Kyle and friends walk in] Kyle: Okay, we did it. Stephen Abootman: Who the hell are you? Stan: We're the ones you told to get Internet money. Kyle: Here. [hands Mr. Abootman the money] We made ten million theoretical dollars. It's all for you. [Mr. Abootman takes the check and looks at it] Stephen Abootman: Theoretical dollars? What am I supposed to do with that?! [turns away] You little timewasters! Stan: Hey, we worked really hard to get this theoretical money! Kyle: Yeah. Everyone thinks I'm a homo now. Cartman: ...You are a homo, Butters. Kyle: Dude, will you just end this thing now?! My little brother is gonna die! Stephen Abootman: Nooooo! I'm not gonna look like an idiot! If I fucked up and led everyone astray, the last thing I'm going to do and admit it! [the phone rings and he turns to answer it] Yes, this is the head of the WGA. The World Canadian Bureau. Scene Description: The UN, day. A conference call - the leaders talk to Mr. Abootman over a speakerphone Swiss delegate: Ah, Mr. Abootman. It's the global world summit leaders. We want to talk to you about the strike. Stephen Abootman: You... You do? You wanna negotiate?! French delegate: No, actually we were just wondering if, when you're all dead, we can use Newfoundland for a new global theme park. [Mr. Abootman drops the phone and begins to weep. He walks away with his hands over his eyes] Kyle: [picks up the phone] Hello? Will you just give this guy something, please?! Swiss delegate: Excuse me? Kyle: [Mr. Abootman leans on the door, crying] He just doesn't wanna look like an idiot, so he wants everyone to think the strike was for something. Just, just give him anything! French delegate: Well, we could give Canada some small consolation prize Kyle: If they give you something small, will you end the strike? Stephen Abootman: Will they... act like they're giving Canada a lot so everyone thinks I did a good job? Kyle: Can you act like you're giving him a lot? Swiss delegate: Sure, why not? Scene Description: Canada, moments later. Mr. Abootman steps outside to the podium and makes an announcement Stephen Abootman: We have won! [no one reacts: they're all too tired to] Lumberjack: Well how much did we get? Stephen Abootman: Well, we uh, we didn't get everything that we wanted, but... we negotiated hard and... we got these... [holds up some coupons] coupons to Bennigan's! And... [holds up a bag of sweets] free bubblegum... for every Canadian. [his aide steps forward and claps really fast. Other Canadians begin to clap their hands] These coupons entitle every Canadian to a free meal at Bennigan's. With the purchase of a meal at equal or greater value, of course. Aide 1: We did it! [aide 2 steps forward and claps really fast. Other Canadians begin to clap their hands] Stephen Abootman: My friends. This is the greatest victory in Canadian history. [headlines follow: The Canuck Reporter has "Canada Wins The Strike". Canadiety has "Strike over! Canada Victorious!". Canada Today has "Strike Victory Party Set For Next Week".] Scene Description: South Park, Kyle's house, front lawn, day. Ike is still half-buried in the snow. A taxi pulls up to the curb and lets the boys out Kyle: Ike. Ike! [Ike wakes up] It's over. Ike: [stands up] It's over? Kyle: Yeah. Here you go. [hands him a Bennigan's coupon and a gumdrop. Kyle and the others head indoors] Stan: Boy, I'm sure glad that's over with. Butters: Me too! Kyle: Yeah, but you know, I learned something today. We thought we could make money on the Internet. But, while the Internet is new and exciting for creative people, it hasn't matured as a distribution mechanism to the extent that one should trade real and immediate opportunities for income for the promise of future online revenue. It will be a few years before digital distribution of media on the Internet can be monetized to the extent that necessitates content producers to forgo their fair value in more traditional media. Stan: ...Yeah. Scene Description: Canada, the Victory Party. Kool & The Gang's "Celebration". Everyone is just standing around. The camera pans from left to right. Mr. Abootman and his aides appear. They're all dancing Stephen Abootman: Yeah, we did it! Celebrate, everyone! Woohoo! [the reason for everyone standing around is shown: a memorial wall on one side of the room has pictures of everyone who died during the strike. Mourners walk up with bouquets and drop them off at the table in front of the wall.] Terrance: Hold on a minute! Wait just a second! [the music stops as Terrance holds out a calculator] We just did some calculating! By NOT working during the strike, Canadians lost more than 10.4 million dollars! Phillip: And our Bennigan's coupons and bubble gum is worth roughly... three thousand and eight dollars! Stephen Abootman: Don't look at that. Come on, friends, let's dance. Phillip: You had no idea what you were doing and now you're trying to make it look like you won so that we won't set you adrift! Stephen Abootman: Damn it friends, don't you see? We won for future Canadians, guy. So the little guy doesn't get pushed around anymore. This was a victory for Canada's respect. [Terrance and Phillip don't believe what they're hearing] Scene Description: The shore of a lake. A man picks away at a block of ice. Two other men come and push it away. On it are Stephen Abootman and his aides Stephen Abootman: Eh?! What do you think you're doing?! Terrance: We're setting you adrift, idiot! Phillip: Maybe you can go live with the Danish! Stephen Abootman: You'll regret this day, friend! Phillip: I'm not your friend, buddih! Stephen Abootman: I'm not your buddih, guy! Terrance: He's not your guy, friend! Stephen Abootman: [loud and drawn out] I'm not your friend, buddih! Terrance & Phillip: We're not your buddih, guy! Stephen Abootman: [now far away] I'm not your guy, friend!

Scene Description: Mrs. Garrison's classroom. She's seated behind the desk, crying and pulling out tissue after tissue, baring her soul to the class. Mrs. Garrison: It's like, my whole life has just been one big screw-up, you know? [wipes away tears, then throws the tissue away] I admit it, I was I was sexually lost. I was, and then I see this person on Oprah. She was a woman but then she got a sex change, became a man, but... then she got pregnant and is having a baby, which means she's still a woman all along. That means I'm really still a man, I'm... I still feel like a man Butters: Are we gonna get tested on this? Mrs. Garrison: This sex change was a big mistake, okay? [blows her nose] I was on a lot of painkillers at the time and I thought it was what I wanted. Stan: [to Kyle] Dude, wanna do some math problems? Mrs. Garrison: [tosses another tissue away, grabs another one] And then, I go to the doctor, right? And I say "Doctor, I wanna go back to being a man," and he says "There's been too much damage. You can't go back. Where are you going to find a penis?" [gets up, and his chair topples over] Whattaya mean, where am I gonna find a penis?! [throws a bust] I'm a man! I deserve a God damned penis! [throws some tissues, some books, and an apple towards the class. Stan closes his eyes shut so nothing gets in them. Mrs. Garrison grabs her chair and crashes it through a window. Then he punches the wall, knocks the metal drawers over, and kicks the desk, grunting all the while] Principal Victoria: [not seen] Mr. Gar- Mr. Garrison! [he stops and looks up. He sees Mr. Mackey and Principal Victoria, her arms crossed, at the door] Could we speak with you please? Mrs. Garrison: [walks out of the classroom still sniffling] What do you want? I'm trying to teach. Mr. Mackey: Uh, we think it's best you not teach until you get your personal life in order, m'kay? [Principal Victoria walks into the classroom and closes the door] Mrs. Garrison: Ohhh it's so easy for you, Mackey! You have a penis! [walks away in a huff] Principal Victoria: Ooookay students, um, obviously we've had a little emergency with your teacher, so uh, while we deal with this, we need one of you to lead the class and review for tomorrow's quiz. Cartman: [raises his hand] Oh! Me me, me. Me! Me me! Me! Right here! Right here right here. Principal Victoria: Uhh, who, who else would like to be teacher for the day? Anybody else? [no one else volunteers. Cartman stands on his chair and raises his left arm high] Cartman: Principal Victoria. Right over here. Nnnnnh! Principal Victoria: Any other volunteers, perhaps? Cartman: [now on his desk and stretching that left arm up higher] Rrrrrrr! Principal Victoria. Principal. Principal Victoria: All right, all right, fine. Eric, you lead the class. Cartman: Yes! [walks up next to Garrison's desk] Principal Victoria: Now, just lead a review over whatever Mr. Garrison's been teaching you, and I'll be back to check on you shortly. [leaves the classroom and closes the door.] Cartman: [turns to the board and walks up to it. He grabs the wooden pointer and smacks it softly against his left palm] Well well well. Who's teacher now? [whips it against the floor] Yeahhh. Who's teacher?! Kyle: You're not the teacher, fatass. Cartman: That's Mr. Cartman now, Kyle! And you will be wise not to interrupt my class unless you want to be suspended! [whips the pointer against the floor] Yeahhh. [whips the pointer against the floor again] Mmm yeah, you like that? [Kyle just rolls his eyes] All right, Clyde, you're first! Get up here! [whips the pointer against the floor again] Yeah, you're gonna take it, Clyde. [waves the pointer around a little and follows it with his eyes.] Scene Description: Mrs. Garrison's house, day. She's laying on her sofa with her tissues, crying. News Anchor: And so it appears that the local farmer's market could be soon facing complete closure. In other news tonight, a South Park bio company is coming under fire for genetically engineering body parts onto laboratory mice. This picture of a mouse [a picture of a mouse with a human ear growing on its back] genetically altered to grow a human ear has already sparked waves of protest. Mrs. Garrison: [now attentive] What? News Anchor: But the scientists say the process could help thousands of people who've become disfigured and need ears or noses. Mrs. Garrison: Holy Freaking Jesus. Scene Description: Research Group Laboratories, day. "Tomorrow's Fortune is Today". Scene Description: Research Group Laboratories, inside. Researchers move around. One of them is talking to Mrs. Garrison Researcher 1: Using common genetics and cartilage scaffolding, we can graft almost any body part onto a mouse and allow it to develop. Here's the mouse you saw on television. [Mrs. Garrison looks at the mouse] Once the ear fully forms, it can be transplanted onto a person. Mrs. Garrison: Doctor, what about a penis? Researcher 1: Well, a penis is something a man puts into a woman's vagina. Mrs. Garrison: No, no. If I gave you some of my DNA, could you grow a penis on a mouse for me? Researcher 1: You don't understand: doing this stuff is very expensive. And we've never tried a penis before; there's no guarantee it would work. Mrs. Garrison: I will give you all the money I have to just try. Please. Doctor, I'm a man trapped in a woman's body. I need a penis. Researcher 1: All right. [Mrs. Garrison grins] All right, let's see what we can do. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, Principal Victoria's office. Mr. Mackey is there, as well as two school officials Principal Victoria: Eric, we've called you in to commend you for your role as student teacher. Cartman: Ey! Don't commend me! It's the students' fault for being so stupid! Mr. Mackey: Uh, "commend" means you've done a great job, Eric. Hm'kay? Principal Victoria: [looks through some papers] After leading your class through review, your schoolmates scored higher than they ever had on their tests. Whatever you did really worked on them. Cartman: [at ease] Oh, well, thank you. I believe strict discipline along with compassion for my students is catamite to their learning. Principal Victoria: These gentlemen from the Denver County School Board have something they want to ask you. Board Rep 1: [a black man] Young man, word of your success as a student teacher has started the whole board thinking. We would like you to try your methods on one of our inner-city school classes. Board Rep 2: [a white man] These kids just won't listen to any adult teachers and, since you handled your class so well, how would you like to give it a shot? Cartman: That sounds like a chance to really make an impact on some students who need it most. How much will you pay me? Scene Description: The neighborhood bus stop. The bus pulls up and opens its doors. The boys walk out and turn right Cartman: Three hundred bucks! Did you hear what I said, you guys?! My awesome teaching skill is gonna earn me three. Hundred. Bucks. Kyle: You're not an awesome teacher! Cartman: Whatever. The whole class scored super-high on the test. Kyle: The only reason we scored high was because we took the answers out of Garrison's desk! And you know it! Cartman: Yes, but whose idea was it to take the answers out of Garrison's desk? Kyle: Kenny's! Kenny: (Yeah, that was my idea.) Cartman: Oh yeah. But whatever, I'm gonna go teach those underprivileged inner-city students and really turns their lives around. Kyle: Do you know what those kids are going to do to you?! A little middle-class white boy telling them what to do? They are going to fucking murder you! [walks away. Stan and Kenny follow. Cartman is scared, then he starts thinking] Cartman: Maybe he's right. I'd better be careful how I look. Scene Description: Cartman's bathroom. He's standing on a stool checking himself out on the vanity's mirror. He whips out a partable hair trimmer and raises it to his hairline. He shaves his head down the middle... Scene Description: Jon Davis High School, day. Urban music plays as the establishing scenes go by. There are security scanners at the front door which all students pass through, and two security guards to go through their belongings if the students set off the scanners. The kids at this school are doing anything but studying: fighting, making out, smoking, throwing paper wads at each other... Scene Description: A classroom. The students there are quite rowdy Principal: [enters] Students, quiet! Quiet please! [a wad of paper goes her way and hits] Give me your attention! Teen boy 1: I'll give you my attention. All night long, Mrs. Miller. [the class laughs] Mrs. Miller: [the principal] You're on thin ice, Rodriguez! Now listen up! The Denver County School Board has sent over a special guest teacher. Class: Ohhhhhhhhhhh. Mrs. Miller: This may be your last shot at graduating from high school at all! I want you to welcome... Eric Cartmanez Cartman: [dressed as Jaime Escalante] Hello students. I'm Eric Cartmanez. [holds up his left thumb] Your new teacher. Teen boy 2: What the hell is thiiis? Cartman: I am here... to teach you calculuuus. Scene Description: Research Group Laboratories, day. "Tomorrow's Fortune is Today". Scene Description: Research Group Laboratories, inside. Researchers move around. One of them is talking to Mrs. Garrison Researcher 1: Iii think you're going to be very pleased with the progress, Ms. Garrison. Mrs. Garrison: Mr. Garrison! [they approach an incubator] Researcher 1: Sorry, Mister Garrison. Your DNA has replicated and grafted very successfully with the mouse. And so... here's your penis. [Mr. Garrison gazes into the incubator. A mouse is wrapped in gauze all over, and a penis is riding on its back] Mrs. Garrison: Wow! My penis looks great! Researcher 1: Yes. It's a fantastic penis. Congratulations. Mrs. Garrison: How long before it's ready? Researcher 1: Welll, it still has some forming to do, but fairly soon. Mrs. Garrison: Let me see if it feels right in my hand. [opens the incubator door and reaches in...] Researcher 1: No! Don't open the- [the mouse escapes] Mrs. Garrison: Whoa no! Researcher 2: Don't let it get out of the lab! [the mouse reaches the entrance and escapes when an unsuspecting researcher opens the door from outside] Mrs. Garrison: Mah penis! [gives chase, and some researchers join him] Stop, penis! Come back here! Scene Description: The classroom at Jim Davis High. Cartman hands out syllabi Cartman: Okay, everyone take a sillibus and pass it to the amigo behind youuu. Teen boy 3: Hey man, what the hell do you think you're doing?! Teen boy 4: Yeahhhh. Cartman: Mr. Cartmanez is here to make sure you all get into collehhhge Teen boy 5: Getting into college? Maaan, we ain't gettin' in no college! Fuck you! [the rest of the class voice their protests as well. Cartman turns his back to them and looks down] Cartman: How do I reach these keeds? [faces the class, his left hand tucked under the left pant pocket] The reason that you think you can't get into college is because you haven't been taught... how to cheat properly! How do you think white people always get ahead? Because we cheat all the time- I mean because they cheat all the time. [holds up a picture] This is Bill Beelichick, coach of the New England Patriots He's won three Super Bowls. How? He cheated. He even got caught cheating, and nobody cared. Bill Beelichick proved that in America it's okay to cheat. As long as you cheat your way to the top. Teen Girl 1: Hey, I don't wanna be called a cheater! Cartman: No no. If you cheat and fail, you're a cheater. If you cheat and succeed, you're savvyyy. Teen boy 6: This is bullshit. I don't wanna waste my time learning to cheat. Cartman: Go ahead, the door's right there. [turns left] Bye-bye, have fun, we will miss youuu. [the boy walks to the door and leaves. Cartman turns away from the class and sighs, dropping the photo] How do I reach these keeds? Scene Description: The community park. The boys are playing in the sand box, making a sand castle. They've brought their toy trucks along. Both Butters and Kenny are present. Mr. Garrison sees them and runs towards them. Mrs. Garrison: Boys! Boys, have you seen my penis? [the boys can't figure out what he's talking about.] Kyle: What? Mrs. Garrison: My penis is on the loose! If you see it, just try to catch it with some cheese. [runs off] Butters: [rubbing his temples] Ow. That hurt my brains. [the pain gets worse] Oww. Scene Description: Jim Davis High, another smoggy day. The boy who walked out of class is playing basketball alone in the school yard. He shoots and misses, and goes for the ball, but it rolls towards Cartman, who picks it up. Cartman: Nice form, compadre. [walks towards the basket with the ball] Teen boy 6: Hey, I walked out of your class, teacher. Look, I don't wanna argue with you about the merits of cheating. Cartman: Who wants to argue on a nice day like theees? How about a little pickup game? [whistles] Hey paisanoo, can you keep score for us? [a scoreboard is shown, and a boy on the platform looks over at him] Teen boy 7: Sure thing, Mr. C. Cartman: [gets into position] Okay, you start on defense, amigo. [dribbles the ball for a few seconds, then whacks the boy on the right shin with a collapsible pointer] Teen boy 6: [falls down and grabs his right leg] AAAAH! [Cartman continues towards the basket and scores. The score is now 1-0 Visitors] Cartman: Ohoooh, that's one to nothing, amigo! Teen boy 6: You cheated! Cartman: What's the score, ese? Okay, let's go, your turn. [the boy is on offense. He dribbles for a few seconds and moves to the basket, but Cartman again takes out his pointer and whacks the boy's left shin. The boy falls again, and Cartman steals the ball and scores again. The boy at the scoreboard updates the score: 2-0 Visitors] That's two to nothing, amigoo. [his opponent stands up] Teen boy 6: Fuck you, man, you can't do that! Cartman: Look at the scoreboard, amigo. No matter how many times you say I cheated, the scoreboard says two, nothing. [throws the ball back at the boy] Teen boy 6: I know what you're trying to say, but I still don't agree with it. [throws the ball away and limps off] Cartman: Two to nothing, ese! Two to nothing! [sighs] How do I reach these keeds? Scene Description: Butters' house, day. Linda is washing dishes when she hears something squeak. Linda: What is that? [turns around and looks. The modified mouse runs across the kitchen floor; she screams and hops onto a footstool, then lifts up her skirt] Eeeek! Eeeek! [the mouse runs across the floor again, in the opposite direction] Eeeek! Eeeek! [hops off and runs to the living room entrance] Stephen! Stephen come quick! Stephen: [reading the paper with a pipe in his hand] What is it, dear? Linda: A penis is loose in our kitchen! Stephen: A penis? Linda: Yes! It just ran across the floor! Stephen: Now darling, calm down. Linda: Calm down nothing! I don't want that penis running through my house! Stephen: Hoh, women. Always afraid of penises. [Butters smiles. Stephen gets up from his armchair and walks to the kitchen. Butters joins him. The mouse runs across the floor again] Linda: There! There, you see it? Stephen: Oh, it's just a little penis, darling. Linda: I don't care. It's probably got all kinds of diseases. [the mouse runs across the floor again] Butters: Hey wait! I think that's teacher's penis! Stephen: Your teacher's penis? Butters: Yeah, that must be his. Stephen: Butters, how do you know what your teacher's penis looks like? Butters: [didn't quite get it until...] Huh? Scene Description: Jim Davis High School, day Cartman: Today we will discuss one of the fundamental ways to cheat: getting material ahead of time. [hops onto a box so he could write on the chalkboard. He draws a video camera aimed at a box marked D] When Bill Beelichick cheated for the Patriots, what did he do? He videotaped the opposing team's defense. Think of the defense as your test. When taking a test you must also videotape the defense. Learn what's on the test before they give it to you. And that way you can- [the errant student returns] Teen boy 6: I thought that... well maybe I can give cheating a try. Cartman: Have a seat, amigo. Good to have you baaack. [the student takes his seat] All right. Now, when Bill Beelichick got caught with his camera, he did not panic. He simply said what every good white cheater says when caught: "I mis-interpreted the rules." It's what you must also say when caught cheating! "I mis-interpreted the rules." Say it with me. Class: "I mis-interpreted the rules." Cartman: Good. Again. Class: "I mis-interpreted the rules." Cartman: Again! Class: "I mis-interpreted the rules." Cartman: Now you sound like white people! Class: [now with pounding fists] "I mis-interpreted the rules!" Scene Description: South Park Supermarket. Stephen and Butters have finished shopping and are packing the groceries into their car. Mr. Garrison is talking to them Mrs. Garrison: What the hell do you mean you just put my penis outside?! Why didn't you call me?! Stephen: Look Garrison, my wife didn't want a penis in the house. I had to get it out. Mrs. Garrison: Well now how am I supposed to find it?! It could be anywhere! A woman: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! [the three guys look up] Mrs. Garrison: Holy Crap! [takes off after the sound.] Scene Description: The Komfort Inn. The screaming woman stands on a box while her husband looks at her annoyed Woman: Eeeek! Eeeeeek! Husband: Carole, get down from there! Woman: Noo! Didn't you see that penis just now?! Eeeek! Husband: I'm sure that penis is way more scared of you than you are of it. Mrs. Garrison: [pops into view] You saw a penis?! Woman 2: [inside the Inn] Eeeeeeeek! [Mrs. Garrison rushes in] Scene Description: The Komfort Inn Fitness Room. Mrs. Garrison finds the woman standing on a chair with her legs crossed Woman 2: Oh, it's so big and disguuusting. Eeek. [the mouse runs across the floor and Mrs. Garrison gives chase. The penis-mouse runs down the hall and into a steam room] Mrs. Garrison: [runs down the hall] Come back here, penis! [enters the steam room and looks around] There you are! Got you! [backs out of the steam room holding a penis... which is attached to a man. Garrison looks at the penis more closely, then at the man's face] Hey, you're not my penis. [the man punches her across the face] Ogh! [the penis-mouse runs out. Garrison lets go and gives chase again] There it goes! Stop you! Scene Description: Cartmanez' class. He's giving the class the answers for the upcoming test Cartman: The answer to #27 is 5. Class: [repeating] The answer to #27 is 5. Cartman: The answer to #28 is 14. Class: "The answer to #28 is 14." Teen Girl 2: Man, what's the point? [grabs her books and heads for the door] What's the point of any of this? [cries and exits] Cartman: All right, uh, everyone review the section on sportscasters forgiving the Patriots for cheating and saying it was no big deal; I'll be right back. [leaves the classroom and looks around for the girl] Melita! Melita, hold on. [walks up to her] You can't quit now. Come on, what's wrong with you? Melita: There isn't any point to all this. I won't be going to college. I'm pregnant, all right? I just found out, and Eduardo isn't going to help me raise it. Cartman: [sighs] How do I reach these keeds? [turns around and faces her] All right, let's go get you an abortion. Melita: No. I'm Catholic. I think abortion is wrong. Cartman: Abortion isn't wrong! What's the one thing I've been teaching you? Melita: That cheating is good? Cartman: Yes! And abortion is the ultimate form of chea-ting! You're chea-ting nature itself. [Melita turns right and walks off a bit] Why do rich white girls get ahead in life? Because they get abortionnns when they're young. They get pregnant, but they still want to go to college, so, whatever, they just cheat. They cheat that little critter in their belly right out of a chance at life. Melita: I don't know, Mr. C. Cartman: Mexicans are told not to cheat. "Don't cheat! You got pregnant? You have to raise the child." So then you have to raise the child while the white girls get to go to college and probably have a bunch more abortionnns. [walks around to face her] It is at our most challenging times that we must cheat... our very hardest. Scene Description: Park County Police Station, day. Mr. Garrison files a police report Sgt. Yates: [taking notes] And the last time you saw your penis was two days ago? [a police sketch artist works on a portrait] Mrs. Garrison: That's right. Officer Harris: Long whiskers or short? Mrs. Garrison: Short, and little fluffy ears. Officer Harris: Fluffy ears, okay. Mrs. Garrison: Think you got it, Mitch? Mitch Harris: I think so, sir. Is this pretty close? [shows his sketch to Garrison: it's Mickey Mouse with a giant boner under his shorts] Mrs. Garrison: [disappointed] No, no, not like that! That's just silly. [an officer walks into view] Officer: Sir, we might wanna get a unit down to the Italian restaurant on Kentner. Sgt. Yates: What is it? Officer: Call just came through. Seems a penis broke in and tried to eat their cheese. Mrs. Garrison: Wall come on! [runs out. The two other officers follow him] Scene Description: Buca de Faggoncini Italian Restaurant, night. Diners are eating their meals, and a small penis-mouse appears on the floor Woman 2: [quickly jumps onto her chair and lifts up her skirt] EEK! Man 2: [looks around] What's the matter? Woman 2: A penis! Woman 3: [quickly jumps onto her table and lifts up her skirt] A penis? Where? Woman 4: There it is! [quickly jumps onto the table at her booth and lifts up her skirt] Eek! [the other women at the restaurant do the same thing, and soon all you hear are "Eek, a penis!"] Mrs. Garrison: [enters the restaurant followed by the three officers] Where is it?! Mitch Harris: Look, there! [points to the mouse as it heads to the kitchen. A waiter doesn't notice the mouse passing by him] Mrs. Garrison: Come on! [he and the officers run to the kitchen] Chef: What'sa that peenis doing ina myii kitchen? [wields a rolling pin] Mrs. Garrison: [entering with the cops] Huy! Don't you dare kill my penis! [the mouse leaves through an open window] Crap! We've gotta go back around! Scene Description: Outside. The penis-mouse climbs along items behind the restaurant and runs along the top of a wooden fence. The camera follows it past the moon in the distance. The mouse stops and looks at the moon Mouse: Someone somewhere is loving me tonightLooking at the same moon and seeing it so bright. Penis: Someone somewhere is feelin' my despair Mouse: Feelin' my despair Penis: And this same moon is Penis, Mouse: [together] making them think of that-. Mrs. Garrison: There it is! [the mouse runs away. Garrison gives chase again, with the cops and the chef joining him. The mouse runs to the sewer and drops in] No! Nooo! [dives after it, but can't reach far enough in to get it] No! No! Mitch Harris: There's not a chance now. Mrs. Garrison: No we, we can find it! [looks intensely down through the grate] Sgt. Yates: Sorry Garrison, your penis is gone. Afraid there's nothing more we can do. You'll just have to live with being a woman. A very ugly one. Come on, men. [they leave. Garrison stands up, beat] Scene Description: Cartmanez's classroom. Mrs. Miller and Cartman stand before the class. Mrs. Miller: Students, I want to congratulate you on your amazing test scores. The school board is so impressed with your progress that they are going to let you take the standardized advanced placement test for college credit. [a quick cheer goes up] The test is going to be heavily monitored in a private room at their location to assure that there can be absolutely no cheating. Cartman: Uh what? Mrs. Miller: The test will be tomorrow. Make us proud. [turns right and leaves the classroom] Teen boy 8: Monitor us in a private room? Teen boy 3: Now they're gonna know we've been cheating all along. Teen boy 2: I knew it man! You made us believe in your way and now it's all for nawthing! Cartman: Ih it's not for nothing. Ih, if you're good enough, you can cheat right in front of them. Teen boy 8: [stands up] Shut up, man! You reyally screwed us all! Cartman: How do I reeeach these keeeeds?! [the boy, cowed, slips back into his seat. Cartman faces the board] Just before the last Super Bowl, Bill Beelichick gathered his football players and said, "Let's win this one for real. Just this one time. Let's not cheat." You know what happened? [dryly] They lost. [faces the class] Even if you feel all eyes are upon you, you cannot give up on chea-ting! Or else you can lose the biggest game of your lives. Teen Girl 1: Yeah, come on, we can do this, guys. Cartman: You are the true dreamers. Tomorrow you will prove it. We will begin by reviewing how to print out cheat sheets as labels for your bottled water. Scene Description: A bus stop across the street from Buca de Faggoncini, night. Mrs. Garrison is on her back on the bench, crying Mrs. Garrison: You did this to yourself, Garrison. Get your hopes up with a stupid genetic experiment and now all your money's gone along with your penis. [a squeaky thing is heard. Garrison notices and stops crying] Well what the? [raises her head and looks down, then looks towards her feet. The mouse that has been fleeing all night is now struggling to get on the bench] Why... it's my penis. [the mouse is now wholly on the bench] My penis came back. But why? [the mouse moves closer. Mrs. Garrison lowers her left hand to the bench. The mouse walks onto her hand, and she lifts it up] I guess it's true. What's that old saying? "If you love your penis, let it go..." Scene Description: Jim Davis High School Auditorium. Mrs. Miller addresses the audience while Mr. Cartmanez' class stands behind and to the left of her Mrs. Miller: The standardized advanced placement test is considered one of the most difficult and carefully monitored tests in the country. Twenty-four of our students took the test and all twenty-four scored 100% [their parents applaud. Melita and a short boy look at each other] Teen boy 6: Uh, can we say something? Mrs. Miller: Sure. [leaves the podium. The short boy reaches for a plaque and hands it to the taller boy, who now takes the mic] Teen boy 6: We would like to present this plaque to the person who taught us the White People Method. Mr. Cartmanez! [Cartman, standing far from the podium and off to one side, walks up to the podium and reaches the mic. The students gather 'round him and clap as adults take pictures.] Cartman: [basking in the success] I reeached these keeeds. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, main entrance. Everyone is gathered there for a special occasion Principal Victoria: Students and faculty, please put your hands together and help me in welcoming back, Mister Garrison. [everyone claps as Mr. Garrison makes his return] Mr. Garrison: Thanks everyone. It's great to be back. I'm a man again. Thanks to my very special new friend. [the mouse that grew his penis climbs onto his right shoulder, the penis having been removed from it and attached to Mr. Garrison. Garrison turns around] But you know, I've learned that I've really been a dude all along. Because the key difference between men and women is that women can have babies. If you can't have babies, then, you're a man. A Teacher: Whoa uh wait, uh, hang on a second. My wife had ovarian cancer, so she can't have babies. Mr. Garrison: Well then get an AIDS test, Thompson, 'cause your wife's a dude, faggot! [Thompson is dumbfounded. Garrison turns around and jumps up to click his heels] Yeah! I'm back!

Scene Description: Stan's house, night. He's at his computer browsing the Internet. His mom pops in... Sharon: Get off the internet, Stanley, It's time for bed Stan: Mom, I just gotta do a couple more things Sharon: Now, Stanley. The Internet will be waiting for you in the morning. Off! Stan: [sighs] Aw man! [shuts off his monitor as Sharon leaves, then goes to bed. Sharon heads for Shelly's room] Sharon: Shelly, off the Internet. It's bedtime. Shelly: Mom, I'm i-chatting with my boyfriend in Montana! Sharon: Now, Shelly! [leaves and closes the door] Shelly: Why do you hate me?! Sharon: [entering Randy's study] Randy, off the Internet. Randy: Nooo. Naw come on, leave me alone. Sharon: No, mister, it's time for night-night. Randy: But Sharon, I've got stuff to do. I've gotta see my credit rating, I've gotta send an e-mail to Nelson and check out Foley's vacation photos- Sharon: You don't have to do all that now! You can do one more thing and then it's bedtime. [leaves and closes the door] Randy: [left to his thoughts] One more thing? [thinks a bit and then starts typing quickly] Ooooyeah... [starts masturbatng under the desk] Scene Description: Stan's house, next morning. The sky brightens just before dawn. Scene Description: Stan's room, 7:30 a.m. His alarm goes off and he sits up, turns the alarm off, and heads for his computer. He turns on his monitor and tries to visit Steam. His browser tells him he's not connected to the Internet Stan: What the hell? Randy: [entering, still in his night robe] Stan! Stan, I gotta use your computer! [reaches Stan's desk with urgency and moves Stan away] Stan: What? Randy: My Internet's not working; I gotta use yours. An-and give Daddy some private time, will ya? Stan: My Internet's not working either. Randy: What?! [sees but doesn't believe] Shelly: [enters Stan's room with her laptop] Dad, the Internet's not working! Randy: [pulling on some cables] I know that, okay?! Shelly: I have to get online with my darling Amir before school starts! Sharon: [enters] Randy, I can't get my e-mail to open. Randy: [leaves the computer to be in the middle of his family] Everybody just, just calm down! Calm down, all right?! It's going to be okay! We just CAN'T. PANIC. [he's the only one looking panicked] Scene Description: The Broflovski house, moments later. The doorbell rings and Gerald answers in his pajamas. He's got a cup of coffee with him. The Marshes are there in their night clothes Randy: [in despair] Gerald. Please help us. Gerald: Randy. What happened? Randy: Our house... It has no Internet. Sheila: [arrives and stands next to him] Oh my God. Randy: [enters the living room] We've got nothing! It's just gone. Gerald: Come in. You can use our Internet until you figure out what to do. Randy: [gratefully] Thank you Gerald. [the other Marshes enter] Stan: [heads for a computer] I'm getting on it first. Randy: [giving chase] Oh no you're not! Stan: [steps into Kyle's room] Kyle, I need to use your Internet Kyle: Ih it's not working. Randy: [steps into Kyle's room] What?! Kyle: I've even unplugged it and plugged it back in. Gerald: No. [rushes to the computer to see for himself] No, our Internet can't be broken. Ah, I've gotta get an attachment Larry sent me last night. Randy: [firmly] It's not working, Gerald. Gerald: But it has to work! Maybe if I do a little- Randy: Your Internet's not working, Gerald! Face it! Kyle: I have to get online before school. Stan: What about Starbucks? They have free Internet. Randy: Right, Starbucks! Gerald: Everyone get your stuff; we can take my car. Scene Description: Outside. As the two families head for Gerald's SUV, Stephen Stotch walks by. Behind him, a couple stands looking at their laptop Stephen: Hey, is your- is your guys' Internet working? Randy: No! Nobody's is! Man 1: [comes out of his house with a laptop] Whaaaaat's haaappeniiiiing?! Randy: Jesus. Everyone's gonna go to Starbucks now. Gerald: Everyone in the car. We have to beat them there. [everyone climbs in.] Scene Description: En route. They move down the road while on either side people have no idea what to do without the Internet. Randy: God, the whole neighborhood's affected. [a man sticks a Yoshiba laptop in front of the windshield] Gerald: Get out of the way, Peterson! [motions him away] Scene Description: Starbucks Coffee. A crowd is already gathered there hoping to get inside Clerk: Folks, there's, there's no Internet here. It's not working, I tell ya. Kyle: It's not working here? Randy: Kids, get back in the car. We can go to the Mac store. Man 2: No, don't. You're wasting your time. Randy: How do you know?! Man 2: Because we just came from there! There was nothing! Not one scrap of Internet! Gerald: How can there be no Internet anywhere? What's going on?! Stephen: Anybody got a Blackberry? Check Drudge Report. Randy: Good idea! [walks forward a bit and pulls out a Blackberry] No wait, we can't check Drudge Report: there's no Internet! Mr. Garrison: [with pipe and laptop] There has to be a way to find out what's going on. Gerald: We can't! Don't you get it?! There's no Internet to find out why there's no Internet! Man 3: What did we used to do to get the news before the Internet? Randy: [thinks a moment] A television! [everyone else thinks, then moves down the street as if they were one] Scene Description: Tele's, moments later. Randy walks up to the plate-glass window with a chair and smashes the chair through it. Jimbo walks into Tele's first and everyone else follows. Jimbo turns on a TV and everyone else gathers to see the news. Onscreen, the small floating window says "This page cannot be displayed." At the bottom of the screen is a crawl that reads "THERE IS NO INTERNET" Anchorman: Once again we apologize, but we cannot bring you the news. It appears that we have no Internet here at News 4. We'll be happy to bring you up on current events just as soon as our Internet is back. Randy: Jesus, it's statewide. Gerald: It could be nationwide. Anchorman: Hello? Do you have Internet? It it's Channel 4 News. No, we don't have Internet either. [everyone leaves Tele's] Gerald: No Internet... anywhere... Randy: Jesus... we're all alone... [POV change to a shot of the town from a distance. Another POV change to a shot of the town from even further away] Scene Description: South Park shopping district. The town seems empty. A window shutter opens and closes somewhere. It's Monday. Next scene is a shot of the Marsh house, eight days without Internet. Tumbleweeds begin to roll in. Inside, no one is doing much. Randy's asleep on the couch, Shelly's sadly looking outside, Stan sits on the floor, Grandpa is in his wheelchair. Randy begins to cough Sharon: What's the matter? Randy: I don't know. I need to get on Web MD and see why I have this cough, but I can't. [coughs] Shelly: What if my sweetheart is online looking for me? He could be wondering why I don't get online with him. Maybe he thinks I'm dead. [looks at Stan] If my darling Amir gets another Internet girlfriend, I'm gonna kill him! And you! [starts punching Stan around like a punching bag. Stan screams] Randy: [pulls Shelly away from Stan] Hey! Shelly, whoa, stop, stop! Stan: Dad, you've gotta do something! She's out of control! Randy: You're right. We can't just sit here any longer. Scene Description: Sometime later. The Marshes have packed and weighed their car down with everything they can load up on it. Gerald: Randy, where will you go? Randy: We're gonna head west. There's a rumor goin' around there might be some Internet out there. So we're headed out Californee Way. Gerald: You don't know if there's any Internet in California. Randy: Well there certainly ain't none here! Look, maybe it's time you all face reality! The Internet here is dried up! Stephen: It could come back. Randy: Yeah, and maybe it won't! In the meantime I got a family who needs the Internet right away. We'll head out Californee Way and ... see what we can find. [motions to Sharon] Come on, let's go. Stephen: Look, if you... if you do find the Internet, let us know, will ya? Randy: How. You won't have Internet. [starts the car and moves out] Scene Description: En route to California. Randy takes the Mother Road, Route 66, all the way there. They enter Arizone and pass a man holding a sign saying "Californee. Need Internet." They stop at a Canyon Motel - which has no Internet Motel Clerk: [fanning himself] Sorry folks, we're full up. Randy: Know anywhere else we can stay? We're... heading out Californee Way. Looking for some Internet. Motel Clerk: You and everyone else. You'll have to stay out at the transient camp with all the others heading to Californee. [motions the direction of travel] It's about a mile down the road. Scene Description: Transient Camp. $50, night. The full moon shines brightly behind the trees. The camp is a tent and a farmhouse. Randy takes up the guitar and starts playing Randy: I'm goin' down the road feelin' bad. I'm goin' down the road feelin' bad. I'm goin' down the road feelin' bad, oh Lordy., My Internet done up and went away. [an elderly man weeps] Transient Man 1: Where are you from, old-timer? Old-Timer: Kansas City. Had me a store there. Kind of... computer supply store. When the Internet went, the stores went too. Transient Man 2: Things will be different when we get out to Californee. Soon as we get us some Internet we can all rest easy. Transient Man 3: Why sure, Silicon Valley. They gots a whole mess of Internet up there. 'Say a man can practically roll around in it. Transient Man 4: When I get to that Internet I'm gonna click on just about everything in sight. 'Might even click on a pop-up ad just for the heck of it. Transient Man 1: Well I'm gonna sit down at that Internet and just stahrt e-mailin'. Just keep on e-mailin' till my fingers are sore to the bone. Randy: Sure will be nice. [Stan looks really sad] Transient Man 5: You folks all headin' to Silicon Valley? Randy: That's right. We need to get online. Transient Man 5: Haha. "Get online" he says. Stan: [annoyed] What's so funny about that? Transient Man 5: Think about it. How many folk headin' out to Californee? A million? More? And how much Internet you think they got out there? [the other men look at each other] Might be some Internet, sure, but with everyone tryin' to use it at once, it's gonna go real slow-like. I knows it 'cause I seen it. My two children, they tried to load a Web page. Took them over three days. They sat there waitin', and by the time the loadin' bar was only half-full they was dead. [his eyes begin to well up] Starve on the Internet, with a belly stuck out like a big bladder... [weeps] Randy: Come on, Stan, let's get some rest. [the group breaks up for the night] Scene Description: The campsite. The Marshes have set up camp. Stan heads for a sleeping bag when he notices Shelly crying. Shelly: Amiiir... I miss you so much... Stan: [walks up to her] Don', don't cry, Shelly. You'll be able to get online when we get to Californee. [she just sits up and punches him away like a beach ball, then lies down without a break in crying] Scene Description: The Marshes enter Californee Randy: Everyone, wake up! [the others wake up] We're here! Silicon Valley, Californee! [takes an off-ramp] Scene Description: An Internet Refugee Camp, run by the Red Cross. A big-city skyline is seen in the distance. The camp is well-guarded, and cars go in one by one. Randy drives up to the entrance, where a Red Cross worker greets him Worker: Name? Randy: Do they have Internet here? Worker: Name? Randy: Marsh. Worker: Service provider? Randy: NetZero. Worker: All right, stay in line. [moves on to the next car] Once you're inside, Red Cross volunteers will direct you to your campsite. Randy: So is there Internet here? Worker 2: [voice only, from the front] Stay in line and get to your campsite. [Randy drives forward and into the camp] Scene Description: The campsite interior. The camera scans the place until Randy's car comes into view. The car stops and the family steps outside. Randy walks up to two men sitting by a tent Randy: Excuse me, we're looking for some Internet. Refugee Man 1: Yeah, they've got it here. [Randy gives a thumbs up] Stan: All right! Refugee Man 2: But there ain't enough to go around. All they got is a little Internet. [curls his thumb and index finger to create a small space between them] Barely a bar a signal. So they have to ration it out, carefully. Refugee Man 3: Ya... sign up over there and use your time when they call your name. Each family gets 40 seconds o' Internet per day. Randy: Forty seconds? That ain't even long enough to check Wikipedia! Volunteer 1: Well it's all we got, so we gotta make do. Refugee Man 4: Look, honey, we ordered us some books on Amazon. Volunteer 2: All right, time's up. Refugee Man 4: No! No wait! I haven't entered the shipping information! [an MP hauls him away] NO! NOO! Volunteer 2: Next? Brady, John H. Randy: Awww, how am I supposed to see Internet porn that way? [Sharon is within earshot] Sharon: [walks up to him] What did you say? Randy: Uh, you go ahead, Sharon. Divide some Internet amongst the children. I- gotta talk to somebody. Scene Description: The Broflovski house, day. Another tumbleweed rolls by. The Broflovskis are watching TV. Two anchors are on screen with a fax machine between them Anchorman: And that's about all we know. Uhh, there might be some Internet still in California and parts of Florida, though we certainly still don't have any here. [the fax machine starts printing] Anchorman 2: A fax! A fax is coming through! [points to it with both index fingers with lots of enthusiasm] Anchorman: Oh yeah, a fax!! Anchorman 2: Oh a fax! Anchorman: It's a fax, it's a fax! It's a fax, it's a fax! Anchorman 2: It's a fax, we got a fax! [the fax copy pops out and both men grab for it. ] Uh- Anchorman: Oh! it says, "The government has sent their best people to the Internet in order to repair it." Anchorman 2: [a few seconds later] We've gotta send a reporter out to the Internet! Kyle: Where... is... the Internet? Scene Description: A bright morning in the Southwest desert. Military helicopters appear and descend on a secret landing General: Gentlemen, the President is very angry that his Internet still isn't working. Scientist 1: We've tried everything, sir, but the Internet has slowed to a trickle and we can't get it working correctly. General: Take me down below! I want to see the Internet for myself! Scene Description: Down below is a huge cave with research equipment all over the place. Scientist 2: Here it is, general. The Internet. [before them is a colossal router] General: What's wrong with it? Scientist 2: See that flashing orange light in the middle? It's supposed to be solid green. General: [walks towards it a bit, in awe] My God. Scene Description: The refugee camp, later. Another man is looking at the Internet. Transient Man 6: Hahaha, thedancingkitty.com, heh, wum, I wonder what that is, hum? [the site appears in the browser] "Click on the dancing kitty and you could win a prize!" hoh, ahaha, ha. Volunteer 2: All right, time's up. Refugee Man 5: No, wait, I I just clicked on the kitty. I got it. [the MP comes up and hauls him off too] No! It wasn't long enough! NOO! Volunteer 2: Next? Nelson, Peter T. Randy: [approaches a volunteer] Excuse me, I need to uh, have some private Internet time. Volunteer 3: Look, we're just tryin' to get by here. Everyone's gotta take what they can get. Randy: [grabs the volunteer's arm, takes him aside and says in a soft voice] I haven't jacked off in over two weeks. Volunteer 3: So jack off. Randy: [lets go] You don't understand. [the volunteer crosses his arms] I need the Internet to jack off. I... got used to being able to see anything at the click of a button, you know? Once you jack off to Japanese girls puking in each other's mouths you can't exactly go back to Playboy! Volunteer 3: What do you want us to do? Pick up the whole computer and put it inside for ten minutes just for you?! Randy: Three minutes would be plenty. Volunteer 3: Get lost! [walks away] Randy: [feeling pain in his genitals] Ohhh. Scene Description: Back at the campsite. Sharon: [handing out tickets to her children] All right, each of you take a ticket. When they call your name you can use the Internet. Shelly: What number are you, turd? Stan: Eight fifty one. Shelly: [switches tickets with him] You're nine twenty three now. Stan: Hey! Mom! Sharon: [returns] Shelly, give your brother his ticket back! Shelly: Can't you all see I'm in pain?! Nobody understands pure love! Amir and I are closer than anybody in this stupid family! [runs away] Scene Description: Randy walks slowly due to his aching balls. He doubles over from time to time Refugee Man 5: Psst. Hey! Over here! [Randy looks over, then walks to the man] You... happen to be looking for Internet porn? Randy: Yeah, how'd you know? Refugee Man 5: Lots of us fellas came here for that reason. We all got used to seein' lots of really perverted stuff on the Internet, so now we can't go back to Playboy. Randy: I know, right? Refugee Man 5: Anyway, we got us a simulator. You just call out what you wanna see and then say "click". Randy: "Internet Porn Simulator" [the tent is an "Internet Porn Simulator. Whatever you want to see."] Refugee Man 5: Give it a try. [lifts up one of the entrance flaps for Randy. Randy enters and sees a makeshift computer on a desk. The monitor is a hollow box. Randy sits down. A hand descends into the hollow box holding a sheet of paper that says "Anything you want to see with the click of a button!"] Randy: Uh, Japanese girls exchanging bodily fluids? Click. [the hand goes up, some scribbling is heard, and the hand comes down again with a picture of one Japanese stick figure pissing on another's face while the second stick figure lies on her back. This does not arouse him. He rolls away from the desk] Oh this sucks! I can't jack off to this! [no one responds] Damn it. [rolls back to the desk and unzips his pants.] Uhm, let's see. Interracial gangbang. Click. [gets ready to masturbate in anticipation. The picture comes down, and it's three black stick figures with their cocks out surrounding a Japanese stick figure.] Agh. Les-shemales! Let's try shemales. Click. [another picture comes down, this one of a stick-figure woman with a penis. Randy is grinding away down there] Bestiality? Click, click on that. [the next picture is that of a stick-figure man fucking a stick-figure pet in the ass. Randy is close to climax] Ah, ah! Brazilian fart fetish porn?! Click! Click! [the next picture is that of a Brazilian stick-figure woman farting on a stick-figure man.] Dahya. [the climax fails to arrive] No. No, this isn't gonna work. [pounds his fist on the desk and walks out] It's just not the same. Refugee Man 5: Well, sorry. And that'll be $49 on your credit card. Randy: [reaches into his back pocket for his wallet] Well at least that part's like the Internet. Scene Description: The Broflovski house, day. The Broflovskis are watching the news Anchorman: We, we now have a reporter on the scene. Uhl-let's go live! Field Reporter: Tom, I'm at the Internet, where government officials are doing their best to get it running again. General: [through a megaphone] All right, Internet. What do you want from us? [the collosal router does not reply] If we've angered you somehow, let us know. [lowers the megaphone] Try to communicate with it digitally again. [a scientist plays a few notes on a music keyboard. There's no reply. The scientist is about to play again when the original notes are sent back, with two others. That didn't go anywhere] I've had it with this thing! Fire a warning shot at it! [a sniper fires at it, but the bullet had no effect. It just bounced off the router] Kyle: Hey, wait a minute. [gets off the couch and walks away to think alone] Is it possible that... Gerald: [stands up] What is it, Kyle? Kyle: I think... I know what's wrong. Scene Description: The refugee camp, night. A woman is looking at the Internet now Shelly: This is taking too long! When do I get to use the Internet?! Stan: It's gotta be our turn soon. Volunteer 2: All right, folks, it's bed time. No more Internet for today. Refugees: AWWW!!! [various protests are heard after this] Woman: A little closer! Volunteer 2: No, no, we're locking it away until tomorrow. [the MPs unplug the computer and carry it and the desk away] Everyone get to bed! Refugees: Aw man! [everyone walks off mumbling, disappointed] Woman: Wha?![puts her left hand on her head and walks off with her head tilted back] Shelly: Gggggyyaaah! [punches Stan away, then walks away in the other direction] Scene Description: A storage room at the refugee camp. The volunteers put the computer away and Volunteer 2 locks the room shut. Randy sees an opportunity and mulls it over. Moments later he's at the room's window looking in. He tries sliding the window open and succeeds. He pulls himself into the room through the window, looks around, forgets to close the window, and walks over to the computer. He starts it up. Randy: Uhuh... Finally! I'm online again! Yeeheeyes! [softly as he types] Japanese girls puking each other's mouths. [click. He finds a page right away. The girls are only heard, not shown] Girl 1: Haro Kiti kawaii n desho? ["Hello Kitty is cute, isn't it?" puke] Girl 2: Un. Choukawaii yo ne! ["Yes. Super cute, right?!"] Randy: Oh niice... Whoa... [begins masturbating] Girl 1: Watashi wa... daisuki! ["I" puke "love it!"] Randy: [types away] Now let's see some bestiality. [click. The sound of a woman being rammed by an elephant is heard. Randy is hitting his stride, then heads towards climax] Aahahaha, yes! Ogh! [types away] Let's get some Brazilian fart porn in there! [click. The Brazilian fart porn fetish page loads.] Oh that's good eh! Oh! [a view from outside the shed] Ohhhhhhhhh! Hoh! Hohhh! [other refugees here this and walk out of their tents to see what's going on. Sharon and the kids are out too, but they don't say a thing.] Refugee Man 2: What is that? Refugee Man 4: Sounds like someone's bein' attacked by a tiger. Randy: Ohhhhhhhhhh! Ohhhhhhhhhh! Volunteer 4: Get the keys! We gotta get in there. [volunteer 2 runs to the door and whips out his keys. Three other volunteers, one of them a woman, follow him up. They get the door open and enter the shed] Randy: [voice descending] Ohhhhhhh! Ohhhhhhh! Ohhhhhhh! [the oldest volunteer turns on the lights and they all gasp in shock. Randy is spent, his semen all over the room, the desk, the computer, and himself.] Volunteer 2: What the...? [Sharon and the kids rush in] Stan: Dad? Sharon: Randy! Randy: [trying to explain it away] Oh. Uhh. There was a, there was a ghost! A-a-and-this, this ectoplasm! [volunteer 4 heads for the computer] Did you see the ghost? [the volunteer begins typing on the keyboard] It ran through here; it sli-it slimed me! Volunteer 2: You son of a bitch! Randy: Oh no it wasn't me, it was this spooky ghost! [volunteer 4 looks back at Randy, who looks back at him] Scene Description: The underground cave Field Reporter: This is our last chance. With nowhere else to turn, the government is going to allow one brave nine-year-old boy [Kyle is shown standing before the router] to attempt his method to get the Internet running again. [shots of this breaking news airing all over the U.S.] It all comes down to this. Can the little Jewish boy reason with the Internet? Or will it be gone forever? Scientist 1: All clear for procedure. General: All right! Let's do it! [Kyle walks forward, then up the ramp. His parents fear for him. He walks up and to the right, sees the massive plug and walks to the socket. He just pulls the plug out, waits a few seconds, and plugs it back in. The router responds with a full green signal.] Scientist 2: Look! The flashing yellow light is steady green now! Scientist 1: He did it! Scientist 3: I've got Internet! Scientist 4: Me too! Scientist 5: Internet activity in all sectors, sir. [everyone cheers. Kyle looks around a little puzzled] Scene Description: The refugee camp, moments later. The men from the camp the Marshes first visited are there Transient Man 5: I've got Internet. Transient Man 6: Me too! Transient Man 3: It's back! [everyone begins to cheer there too] Scene Description: Breaking News. The two anchors are waiting for any news. Anchorman: It's back? It's back! [the two anchors dance a jig] Scene Description: The refugee camp, moments later. Shelly hugs her laptop Shelly: It's working! I can i-chat with my darling Amir now! [a boy in the background turns around and looks at Shelly] Amir: Shelly. Shelly Marsh? [both Shelly and Stan turn around to look at him] Shelly: What? Amir: It's me. Amir. Shelly: O... kay. Amir: Your family came here too, huh? Shelly: [bashful] Yeah. [the two of them look away from each other] Amir: So uhhh, I guess I'll e-mail you as soon as I get back home. Shelly: Yeah, okay. Sounds good. Amir: Okay, s-see ya. [turns around and walks away] Shelly: [turns around and skips away] We're back togehhhther! We're back togehhhther! Scene Description: South Park City Hall, day. Randy is addressing the town. He's dressed in a Native American shirt over his regular clothes Randy: And so what have we learned through this ordeal? The Internet went away. It came back. But for how long we do not know. We cannot take the Internet for granted any longer. We as a country must stop over-logging -on. We must use the Internet only when we need it. It's easy for us to think we can just use up all the Internet we want. But if we don't treat the Internet with the resPECT [pounds the podium hard with his right fist. A few people are startled by this] that it deserves, it could one day be gone forever. So let us learn to live with the Internet, not for it. No more browsing for no apparent reason, no more mindlessly surfing on our laptops while watching television. And finally, [the head of a bald eagle appears on the screen behind him.] We must learn to only use the Internet for porn twice a day. Max. [everyone applauds him, then gives him a standing ovation. He has his left arm up and fist pumped.]

Scene Description: Entrance to Pioneer Village, day. The South Park Elementary school bus is parked. Mr. Garrison waits with a bearded employee as the class enters the attraction Mr. Garrison: Kids, everyone together. Welcome to Pioneer Village. This is a recreation of early Colorado days. I want you all to meet Pioneer Paul. [the bearded employee steps forward, his hands gripping his suspenders] Pioneer Paul: Hi, kids, and welcome to my village. I settled here in 1864 with my mahr and pahr. Sure thing, I ain't never seen strange clothes like you all are wearin'. And what's that fancy yellow horse carriage you got out there? Stan: Ughh. Kyle: This is gonna suck. Pioneer Paul: When you all are ready just head up to the village. All the townfolk are there to answer yer questions. And welcome. [tips his hat a bit to the class] To 1864. Set 'em up! Mr. Garrison: Thank you, Pioneer Paul. [Pioneer Paul turns around and walks away.] All right, kids, this is a big place, so I want everyone to pick a partner to hold hands with. [the students look at each other and begin to pair off.] Cartman: Let's be partners, Kenny. Kenny: (No, I'm partners with Craig) [holds Craig's hand] Cartman: Okay. [turns and follows Stan] Stan, let's be partners, dude. [Stan approaches Wendy and holds out his hand. She takes it] Stan: Naw, I'm with Wendy. Cartman: Eh, you wanna hold hands with a girl? Gaywad! [Wendy flashes him an angry look as he turns and walks away. He looks around and sees most everyone is paired off. He approaches Kyle] All right, let's be partners, Kyle. Kyle: I hate you, remember? [turns away] You wanna be partners, Jimmy? Cartman: [miffed] Jesus, what have I ever done to you? Craig? Token? [Clyde and Token pair up] Who, who else needs a partner? [after the rest of the kids have paired up, only Butters is left. Cartman looks at him and he gets bashful all of a sudden, brushing his left foot back and forth on the ground] Uh who else needs a partner? Mr. Garrison: Eric, partner with Butters. Cartman: God damn it! Mr. Garrison: Hold Butters' hand, Eric! [Butters motions for Cartman to take his hand] Cartman: That isn't necessary! Mr. Garrison: Butters, you are not to let go of Eric's hand until you are both back on that bus! Do you understand?! Butters: I understand. [takes Cartman's hand as Garrison turns towards the village] Mr. Garrison: All right, let's head in. [leads the way] Cartman: You can let go now, Butters. Butters: [firmly] No. Cartman: Butters, come on! Butters: No! [the class is at the center of the village. Around it are a carriage house, the saloon, and the feed and tackle store] Mr. Garrison: All right kids, go ahead and visit the charming villagers and learn stuff. [the pairs disperse] Keep track of your partner! Scene Description: The smithy's shop. The smithy is working on a horseshoe resting on an anvil. Stan, Wendy, Kyle, and Jimmy drop by Smithy: Why howdy partners. [puts his tools down] I'm the town blacksmith. Are you folks settlers, or are you just trappers passin' through? Stan: Uhhh, look, can we just drop the whole roleplaying thing? I would play along, but my girlfriend's here and I don't wanna look like a total dork in front of her. Wendy: Thanks, Stan. Pioneer Paul: [dropping by] These folks sure are strange, Smithy. We ain't never seen them kind of fancy hats in our time, have we? Kyle: [points to the Smithy] That guy is wearing a digital watch. Smithy: Oh jeez. [adjust the watch to hide it. Pioneer Paul gives him an angry look] Pioneer Paul: Damn it Chad! Chad: [puts it in his pocket] S-sorry, I'm sorry. Scene Description: Another smithy shop, this time for guns. Cartman, Butters, Kenny, Craig, Jenny and Riley visit Gunsmith: Why howdy, partners, I'm the town gunsmith. You see, in our time it's pretty violent. See them holes in the walls? That's so we can put rifles through to protect us from Injuns. Cartman: I wanna shoot an Indian. Gunsmith: Now some of you might wanna meet Abigail at the candle-makin' house. Or you can head over to the general store. [Kenny, Craig, and the two girls leave. Cartman and Butters head for the holes in the wall] Butters: Do you see any Indians? Cartman: Nah, it's just the city and e- Oh my Jesus Christ monkeyballs. [just over the greenery is Super Phun Thyme, a small attraction next door.] "Super... Phun Thyme." [turns to Butters and has him step forward] Dude, check it out! We're only two blocks from a Super Phun Thyme! They've got video games and rides and everything! Butters: Oh, that's cool. [steps back and turns around] Well come on, Eric, we need to catch up with everyone. Cartman: Dude, screw this place! We've gotta go to Super Phun Thyme! Butters: Oh no! I'm not sneakin' out! I'll get in trouble! Cartman: Fine, then let go of my hand! Butters: Teacher said I can't let go till we're back on the bus! Cartman: Well which is it gonna be, Butters?! Are you gonna ditch out with me or are you gonna disobey the teacher's stupid rule?! Butters: I'm not lettin' go! Cartman: Fine, then you're comin' with me! Butters: No, Eric! [trips and stands up. Cartman pulls him towards the village's entrance] Cartman: Butters, let go God-damn it! Butters: No! [trips and tries to stand up] T-Teacherrr! Teacherrr! Scene Description: Pioneer Paul leads Stan, Wendy, Kyle, and Jimmy into the general store. Pioneer Paul: This here is our general store. It's where I buy all my supplies an' sich. Clerk: Howdy partners. I own this hearrr general store. Wendy: Look, Stan, they had beef jerky back then. Clerk: What do you mean "back then"? Don't forget, it's 1864. Kyle: Right. Except for it really isn't. Pioneer Paul: Wuh, sure it is. Just look around ye. [they look around, but the modern sound of sirens reaches their ears] Kyle: What's that? Stan: Sounds like police sirens. Pioneer Paul: What's a si-rene? We ain't never heard of no sirene in 1864. [the sound of screeching tires is next, and everyone heads to the windows to find out. A big black SUV pulls into the village and seven people pour out of it. One of them is injured] Leader: We lost them, we lost them! Injured Thief: Damn pig cops! Leader: Close that gate! [two of his henchmen close the gate] Wendy: What's going on? Stan: I don't know. [the gunmen gather up the students and adults] Leader: Everyone down on the ground NOW! Sheriff: Wuh-whoa now, I'm Sheriff McLawdog. I settled here back in eighteen fif- [the leader shoots him in the forehead with a silenced gun] Stan: Jesus Christ! [the six of them move away from the window and drop to their knees] We've gotta call the police. Where's your phone? Stan: Jesus Christ! [the six of them move away from the window and drop to their knees] We've gotta call the police. Where's your phone? Pioneer Paul: A phone? Why, what's a phone? We ain't never hearda sich a thing. Stan: What?! Kyle: Come on, this is serious! Pioneer Paul: Eh storehand, you ever heard of this fancy shmancy phone? Clerk: Uhhh, nooo. W-we ain't got a phone in our time. Stan: Dude, they just shot a guy in the face! We've gotta call the cops! Pioneer Paul: If you mean the law, only law around here is town sheriff McLawdog. You see, 1864 is a time of growth and development in the Old West. Stan: [in no mood to hear about it] This is not the time for that! Scene Description: Super Phun Thyme. Cartman pulls Butters towards it. Cartman: Aw man, this is gonna be awesome! [the go through the double doors] Butters, if you don't let go of my hand, everyone here is gonna think we're gay! Butters: Well, that's your problem! Cartman: All right Butters, I've seriously had enough! [tries to rip his hand out of Butters' grip, but only succeeds in pulling Butters around. He tries again, but Butters isn't letting go. He tries a third time, all the way around, and Butters' hand is clamped on tight.] Jesus Christ! [drops the matter and goes to a counter with Butters] One please. Butters: Make that two! [they each give $6.] Cashier: Aww, aren't you two cute holdin' hands. Are you special little buddies? Butters, Cartman: NO! [she gives them their tickets and they go into the attraction] Scene Description: Super Phun Thyme, interior. Cartman and Butters go into an indoor amusement park. A bounce house is off to the right and miniature golf to the left. Bumper carz and laser tagg are on either side of the bowling lanes. The arcade is on the second floor. Cartman: Dude, this place shreds! What should we do first? Butters: We should get back to Pioneer Village, that's what we should do! Cartman: Butters, we're going to get back before anybody even notices we're gone. Let's go hit the bumper cars! [yanks Butters along.] Scene Description: Pioneer Village Administration. The façade is 1860s, the building itself current. Wendy reaches the entrance first. Wendy: Over here. This looks like an office. Kyle: [opens the door and leads the others in, then spots the phone] Here! Here's the phone! [Wendy gets on the stool and tries to dial out] Pioneer Paul: Well, what a straaange contraption. Wendy: I can't get a dial tone. [Kyle listens, then lowers the receiver] Kyle: What's the number to dial out? Pioneer Paul: Dial out? Partner, them are some funny words you're usin'. Stan: Dude, do you understand what's going on here?! [Kyle and Wendy trade places] Clerk: Maybe they're right, Brian. I mean, this is a special circumstance that- Pioneer Paul: [grabs him by the collar and shoves him against the door] Brresh! [points something out to him. It's a sign over the door: "Remember: Never Break Character!"] Clerk: Ogh, I mean, this here room is, it sure is strange. We have nothin' like these fancy devices in our time. Pioneer Paul: I'll say. Kyle: I got through. Hello, police? 911 Operator: Nine one one, what's your emergency? Kyle: There's some terrorists or bankrobbers or something that have taken our class hostage! 911 Operator: Taken hostage where? Kyle: The old Pioneer Village off of Kipling. 911 Operator: You mean that annoying place where employees won't break character? Kyle: [glances back at the two men] Sister, you don't know the half of it. Scene Description: Super Phun Thyme. Cartman rides a Space Pilot rocket Cartman: Check it out, dude, I'm a space man! Space man, yehesss! Cartman: I'm having a super fun time playin Scene Description: Cartman and Butters are at a Thirst For Blood video game. Cartman navigates, Butters fires away half-heartedly Cartman: Get... get that guy! Shoot that guy! Yeah, and then over here! [next they're playing air hockey. They take turns, but still have to run together in switching sides. They run to Butters' side and Butters hits the puck] Oh, you got it. Nice. [they run to Cartman's side, and Cartman hits the puck. They run back to Butters' side...] Cartman: Super fun time, please don't go awahay. Scene Description: Cartman and Butters skate as a pair on roller skates, then they share an ice cream sundae. A couple walks by and looks at them funny. Butters: What are you whoofelin' at? [the couple hurries away] Cartman: No more worries or cares, super fun time. Cartman: [on a Road Hogg motorcycle ride as Butters gets on] Waiwait, keep- you're fine. [starts the ride. The motorcycle rocks back and forth quickly] Oh man, whoa! Butters: Whoa! [gets tossed into the air, but doesn't let go of Cartman's hand. He ends up on Cartman's lap before the ride ends] Cartman: The answer to my prayers, super fun time. Super fun time, you're all I need. Scene Description: Cartman and Butters are playing Laser Tagg, except that Cartman is shooting at Butters gleefully. Next, they finally hit the bumper cars. Once everyone is in, the power is turned on. Butters is stuck outside the car, as there's no room for him, so he gets some injuries. Cartman: Yeheah, we're wired up! Cartman: I'll have a super fun time till I freakin; bleed. I love you mornin' noon and night, super fun time. Cartman: [two cars bump into him] Yeah, bumper cars, sweeet! [Butters is battered] Cartman: You make my life so right, super fun time. Scene Description: Near the entrance, still inside Butters: Th-that's it, Eric. We have to be gettin' back! Cartman: Aw, just a few more things. Butters: No! If we don't leave right now, we're gonna miss the bus, and then they'll know we left! Cartman: Huh, I guess you're right, Butters. All right, come on. [they leave Super Phun Thyme] Scene Description: Pioneer Village, later. The leader of the gunmen barks orders into a walkie talkie and paces back and forth. Leader: Set up the satellite relay, check for alternate routes out of the area. [turns to the hostage group] Unfortunately, your police department got wind of our robbery and chased after us. That is unfortunate for you, because when I think it is clear to leave we will now need to take hostages with us to ensure our goods get to their final destination. Mr. Garrison: Please, if you must take anyone, don't take me. These kids are worth more to you. [the kids are shocked at him. The sirens are heard again] Blond: How did they find us?! Leader: Get the loot out of the car and stash it in that building. [a bunch of police cars show up at the parking lot and their officers quickly get out and get into position] Police Chief: All right, men, listen up! Looks like our thieves are trying to hide out here. They've got the employees and some school kids held hostage. Blond: How did they find us?! Leader: Get the loot out of the car and stash it in that building. [a bunch of police cars show up at the parking lot and their officers quickly get out and get into position] Police Chief: All right, men, listen up! Looks like our thieves are trying to hide out here. They've got the employees and some school kids held hostage. Lieutenant: Tucker, Dylan, set up a perimeter! Police Chief: Everyone stay on your toes! These are professionals we're dealing with here! Officer 1: What did they rob, sir? Police Chief: A Burger King. Scene Description: A table in the building the leader was referring to. The leader is there with the injured man and a woman. They pool their money onto the table Leader: All right, good. Is that all of it? [a big balding man comes in with several Burger King meals in bags] Balding Man: No. Don't forget we've got these too. Leader: Excellent. Now listen, everyone, we're going to be all right. This is only a small hitch in our plan. [pulls out a cell phone and dials some numbers.] I'd like to speak with the chief of police! [listens] Who is this? This is the man who is going to kill an entire class of fourth graders if he doesn't get exactly what he wants! Scene Description: Outdoors in Pioneer Village. The group that was in the administration building now arrives in the center of the village and ducks down behind a trough Kyle: Why aren't the cops coming in? Wendy: They must be negotiating. Pioneer Paul: Them there bandits sure look mighty strange. And them pistols is way bigger than whats we's gots. Kyle: [annoyed] Will you shut up! Stan: Wait, you have guns here? Pioneer Paul: Sure. Sheriff got lots of rifles in his office. Stan: Well why don't you go get them and bring them back here?! Pioneer Paul: All righty. Come on, storehand. Clerk: Yeppir! [they leave] Scene Description: Kipling, near Pioneer Village. Cartman and Butters head back to the village after a few hours at Super Phun Thyme. Cartman: Uhaw man, I can't wait to see the look on Kyle's face when we tell him we had super fun time, while he was at the dumb Pioneer Village. Butters: We're not telling anybody! I don't wanna get in trouble! And I didn't have a super fun time anyways. Cartman: Butters, you've gotta learn to chill. Life goes by pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, and do whatever you want all the time, you could miss it. Butters: Yeah, well, I guess that's kinda true. Cartman: [stops in his tracks] Uh oh. [sees the police at the Pioneer Village entrance.] Crap, they called the cops on us. Butters: What?! They called the cops?! Cartman: They must have realized we left. Damn. Butters: Oh my God, the police are looking for us! Cartman: [covers Cartman's mouth and takes him behind a mail box] Shhh! Butters! Butters: [quickly upset] We're gonna get it now! Cartman: Butters Butters, calm down! I know a way out of this! Butters: You just got me busted forever! Cartman: Butters, l-listen to me, listen. Butters: No! [turns away] Cartman: All we have to do is sneak back inside without the cops seeing us. Then we can say we were inside all along. Butters: You said they wouldn't notice we were gone. You promised. [punches him softly on the chest with his free hand] Cartman: If we sneak back inside, we can say we never left, all right? [Butters calms down and stops sobbing] All right, now let go of my hand. Butters: No. Cartman: Butters? Butters: Huh you made me break one rule, I'm not breaking the other! It's all I have now. Cartman: All right, come on! [they head back towards Super Phun Thyme] Scene Description: Inside Pioneer Village, day. The leader gives more commands as he walks along. He reaches one of his henchman, who's got monitoring equipment laid out and operational Leader: Keep the hostages from talking and search for holdouts. Everyone check in at two-minute intervals. I hope you have good news, Orlich. Orlich: The police have us completely surrounded on all sides. There's no way we're gettin' out above ground without being spotted. Leader: Above ground? Orlich: Look, I found this at the rear of the park. It's an old mine shaft, [a picture of an abandoned gold mine appears] but Pioneer Village was sued when a kid died in it, so they closed it down and protected it with a huge me'al door with a coded lock. Leader: So if we can get into the shaft we can tunnel our way around the police. Excellent. Orlich: One more thing, Franz: I want my share of the take now. Franz: [finally, a name for the leader] What's the matter, Orlich? Lose your sense of trust? Orlich: I was just thinking maybe we get through that tunnel. Then you take the loot to Berlin and I never see you again. I want my cut. Franz: Very well. [hands him a wad of bills and a Burger King lunch bag. Orlich opens the bag, takes out his burger, and leafs through its contents like a deck of playing cards to make sure nothing is missing] Scene Description: The village square, moments later. The blacksmith is tied up and sitting on a wooden chair. The woman hits the blacksmith's right eye with the butt of her gun Franz: I'm going to ask you again, what is the door code to the tunnel?! Smithy: I told you, mister, what would I know about a door code? I'm just a simple blacksmith. With my trusty forge I makes all the metalworks for the village. [the woman strikes his face again with her rifle] OW. Franz: [holds up the smithy's employee profile] You are an employee here, that means you are required to know the door code for fire code reasons, [reads from the profile] Mister David Palmer of Colorado Springs! Smithy: Huh my name ain't Palmer, it's... Old Smithy. Hand we ain't never heard of no fire code, why, we gots to put fires out ourselves when the- [the woman strikes his face again with her rifle] OW. Franz: That's it! [aims his gun at Smithy's left temple. The woman backs away] Tell me the code or you die! [the smithy sobs] One... two... Smithy: I... Franz: Yes? Smithy: I don't know nothin' about no fancy door code. I'm just a simple blacksmith. [Franz kills him and his body drops off the chair. The class and the pioneer villagers but Craig are stunned] Craig: [observes] These Pioneer Village workers are really committed to their jobs. [another worker is tied up and put on the chair as the smithy's body is dragged away] Worker: No. Please. Don't hurt me. Franz: Give us the code to that door and we can leave! Worker: [shuts his eyes hard] I've never heard of sss-something called a door code. [leans over and whispers] Please, can't you ask some other way? Franz: I don't have time for your stupid game! Tell me, or you die right now! [gets his gun ready] Worker: All right, all right! Look, it's just, it's just one of those... Jenkins home security locks. You press the top button and then, and then enter 5-2 [he's killed, but by someone else. The class and the pioneer villagers gasp when it sees whom the killer is. Pioneer Paul is shown with a rifle in his hand, and the general store clerk is next to him] Pioneer Paul: [tosses his rifle away and walks to the class] What he meant to say, kids, is that we ain't never heard o'no fancy door code 'cause in our time, we gots to rely on wood locks and sich. Franz: God damn it you people are fucking insane! Scene Description: Kyle, Wendy, Stan, and Jimmy have seen this all from behind the trough Kyle: I don't believe it. Franz: Domino, [looks at the balding man, then at another henchman] Vosky! Find out if there are any employees or students wandering about! Bring them here or shoot them! [the two henchmen move out] Wendy: Oh crap, we've gotta hide. Come on! [they start to move.] Jimmy: Yeah. [all stop] We've gotta geh- ...geh... get the hell ...outta here f- f-hast fast. [they finally leave] Scene Description: Outside Pioneer Village. The police are scouring the surroundings. One of them answers a call Officer 2: Sector Bravo, no activity. Butters: Jeez, uh cops are looking for us everywhere. Cartman: Don't worry, they're not gonna find us 'til we're safely back inside. [turns left and points] Look, see that traffic signal down there? [the intersection is shown] If we can climb across that, we can jump to the tree branch, and then we're home free. Butters: That looks dangerous. Cartman: Not getting busted always is, Butters. Come on. [they head to the signal. Butters is lighter, so he goes up first. He pulls Cartman along up the traffic signal, then stands on the arm] Good, that's good. [Cartman stands up too] That's good, Good, all right then. Let's head across. [they begin to tip-toe along the traffic signal's arm.] Go easy. Good. Butters: Oh gosh in heaven. Cartman: It's all right. You've got it, no problem- [his left foot slips, causing them both to lose their balance] OP. Butters: Whoa! Cartman: Save me! Butters: I'm gonna fall! [they both scream as they struggle to stay on the arm, but they both fall off... and end up hanging from the arm like a pair of tennis shoes tied together] Cartman: ... Oh dude, laaame. Scene Description: The village square. Franz is still on top of things. Franz: Frohlich, check in. Have you found any other employees? Domino: We found somebody. [the two henchmen he sent off earlier return] Vosky: We found this guy in the jail of the sheriff's office. Pioneer Paul: [gasps] You let out Murderin' Murphy? Murderin' Murphy: Y'are all gettin' it for puttin' me in that thar jail! Franz: [frustrated and pissed off] Stop it! Stop your bad historical acting right now! Woman: Tarnation. Why'd you let Murderin' Murphy go? He's a bad man. Franz: [approaching the employees] I am the fucking bad man! Do you get that?! Knock it off and give me the mine shaft access code! Pioneer Paul: You're just gonna have to kill us, mister, 'cause you ain't makin' no sense at all. Franz: I won't kill you if you don't tell me. I'll kill one of THEM! [walks over to the students...] Mr. Garrison: Not me! Not me not me not me not me! [...and grabs Kenny] Kenny: (What? Hey, let go.) Franz: [drags Kenny to the employees] Do you want to see a child die?! Kenny: (No they don't wanna see a child die! You guys! Uf.) Scene Description: The traffic signal, later. Butters: I am so disappointed in myself. Teacher gave me a res-responsibility, and I was just supposed to look after my partner, and I blew it! Cartman: Don't be too hard on yourself, Butters. You can't help being a douchebag. Wait, Butters, look! [a big truck is headed their way] This is it! This is our chance! Swing over, Butters! Go! Butters: Huh... [swings over, and they both land on the truck. They then move about looking for a good position to jump from] Cartman: Quick! Are you ready?! We gotta jump! Butters: Let's do it! Cartman: Ready? Go! [they leap off the truck and over the wooden wall. The police are not aware of this. They land on a roof and roll of it into a wooden wheelbarrow, which tips over and dumps them onto the ground.] Scene Description: Inside Pioneer Village. at the village square. Franz: [Domino and Vosky bring the female employee over to Kenny, who is tied up on the chair] What about you? Will you tell us the access code or do you want to see this kid die?! Woman: I'm sorry, I'm a woman and women in our time ain't allowed to know the carryin's on of the town proper. Franz: God damn it! Scene Description: In a nearby building, Stan, Wendy and Jimmy hide under a table. Kyle peeks out a hole in the boarded-up windows behind the table Kyle: Dude, they're gonna kill Kenny! Stan: I can't let them do it. [comes out from under the table] I've got to make the ultimate sacrifice. [turns and heads for the door, then exits the building] Kyle: Stan? Wendy: [leans out] Where are you going, Stan? Stan: Wendy, I have to do something. Please look away. [turns around, grabs some dirt, rubs it on his face, and walks to the hostage area] Franz: All right, that does it! [jabs the tip of the gun up against Kenny's hood. Kenny just looks at him] On the count of three this child dies! One! Two! Kenny: (God damn it, someone help me!) Stan: [walks up] Well howdy there, strangers. [everyone looks at him as he approaches] Sorry to interrupt ye, but I done come from Pagosa Springs to buy me some wares an' sich.. Pioneer Paul: Ohhh, welcome, partner. [the other employees welcome him as well.] Franz: Wha-what are you doing? stan: I heard you all had some difficulty with a criminal getsin' out of your jail. Pioneer Paul: That's right, Murderin' Murphy. He's crazy 'cause someone killed his pa. Murderin' Murphy: They killed my pahr! Stan: I reckon that maybe you could make a jail door that opened with numbers instead of keys. You know, like a biiiiig safe. Pioneer Paul: Y-y-yeah, I understand that. Clerk: Finally, a fella that talks some sense. Stan: If'n you all was to have such a giant safe, what would you villagers want the number to be to unlock that thar jail door shuckamuck? Pioneer Paul: Oh, well uh, I reckon the easiest number to remember for any big safe door lock would be... 1864. Clerk: Yup, 1864, 'cause that's the year it is. Franz: Eighteen sixty four. Orlich, we have the door code! Start packing up! We'll take the hostages with us! [smiles] Mr. Garrison: No, you got your door code, let us go! Vosky: Copy that. What's the code, over. [Butters and Cartman step out from behind a building, then quickly step back behind it before they can be seen] Cartman: Sweet, there's still cops looking for us in here. All right, follow my lead, Butters. [they step out again and walk towards Vosky, who gets ready to shoot] Hohoo man, hasn't this place been fascinating, Butters? Butters: Yeah, it sure has. Cartman: Oh, I just don't know what I liked better: the historical buildings and archifacts or the, or the uhhhm. Butters: Or the witty anecdotes of the townspeople, uh... Cartman: Witty anecdotes, yes, that's been ab- that's been awesome. Butters: Been a hoot all right! Vosky: Get your hands behind your head! Cartman: What'd we do? We've been here the whole time. Vosky: Shut up! Put your hands behind your head! Do it now! [they put their free hands behind their heads, which surprises him] Let go of each other! Butters: Huh uh. Vosky: Do what I tell you! Butters: Our teacher said we have to hold hands the whole time we're here! Vosky: Let go or else I'll put a bullet through your hands and make you let go! Cartman: Butters. Vosky: Now! Butters: No! [remembering how Cartman swung him around at Super Phun Thyme, he swings Cartman around and knocks Vosky down. He and Cartman sprint across the field and manage to avoid the barrage of bullets Wilskey sends their way] Cartman: Jesus Christ! [Vosky fires off a grenade, which hits a house just as Cartman and Butters run past it. The blast blows them off their feet] Butters: AAAAH! Cartman: AAAAH! [this and the gunfire alert the other robbers] Franz: Go! Go take care of it! I'll stay with the hostages! [the gunwoman and Orlich leave] Stan: Hey, m-Murderin' Murphy, you see that there feller? Murderin' Murphy: Yeah. Stan: He done killed yer pahr. Murderin' Murphy: [stands up enraged] What?! Well I'll rip his head off! [runs towards Franz and tackles him] Officer 2: We've got a chance. Hostages are clear! [officers climb over the wooden wall and pour into the village.] Franz: They are coming in! [the shootout between cops and robbers begins. Orlich is shot dead and his burger drops to the floor next to him. The gunwoman fires, and the cops fire back. She is shot through a window and dies.] Mr. Garrison: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Officer 3: Whoa, no, no! Officer 2: Hostages are secure at the park entrance! Murderin' Murphy: I got you now, Pioneer Paul! Pioneer Paul: They shoulda never let you out of jail, Murderin' Murphy! [they get into a fistfight. Domino shoots at the cops from the second floor of the saloon. The cops fire back and Domino keels over, dead. Franz walks over to Orlich's body and takes back his cut] Police Chief: [arrives and aims his gun] Freeze, scumbag! It's all over! [Other officers gather and aim their weapons. Franz drops his satchel and puts his hands behind his head.] Woman: Murderin' Murphy's gonna kill Pioneer Paul! Officer 2: [aims his gun at the men] Stop right now! It's over! [a bell rings out three tones and the fistfight ends] PA System: Howdy, partners. It's five o'clock. Pioneer Village is now closed for the day. [Murphy and Paul let go of each other and stand up smiling] Head back to your wagons and have a safe trip home. Pioneer Paul: We made it! Murderin' Murphy: We made it! [the employees hug each other and begin to disperse] Woman 2: Oh God, I can't wait to get out of this dress. Murderin' Murphy: Whoa, that was great! [the employees begin to drop their makeup and other bits of costume] Pioneer Paul: Uh, listen, if anyone still wants to know, the phone is in the administration building, you dial 9 to get out, and there's actually a back exit behind the horse troughs. Good night everybody, thanks for coming. We did it, guys! Gunsmith: Let's go to TGI Fridays and get some jalapeño poppers! Murderin' Murphy: Yeah, that'd be great! Man 1: All right! Man 2: Oh yeah, huh. Jalapeño poppers. Man 3: Let's go, huh. Scene Description: Outside Pioneer Village, evening. The cops finish up their investigations. Mr. Garrison talks to them with his class around him. Wendy: Stan, you were really brave in there, but you did kind of sound like a big dork. Stan: I know. Police Chief: Come on you! Franz: You're hurting my arm! Police Chief: Too bad! You'll be going away for a long time. Was it worth it? Franz: In a way, it was. I might not have gotten away, but... at least I learned a lot about Pioneer life in the Old West. Those early settlers didn't have the modern conveniences we all take for granted today. To think how difficult it was back in those times to do somethin' as simple as washing your clothes. Pioneer Village has a lot to teach us all. Police Chief: That's true. [Franz is put in a squad car and the cops continue with their work] Wendy: [looks at Pioneer Village] Hey look. [Butters walks towards the entrance dragging Cartman behind him. Cartman is passed out. Butters drags him over the sidewalk, across the parking lot, and on to the bus. Only then does he let go] Butters: Teacher, my partner is back on the bus! [all energy leaves him and he passes out too]

Scene Description: The Beijing Olympics Opening Ceremonies. The flag of the People's Republic of China flaps over the Bird's Nest, aka the National Stadium Announcer: Welcome to the televised broadcast of the Olympic Opening Ceremonies from Beijing. [fireworks enter the stadium and the drum roll begins. The drummers are bent over their drums as lights in the drums flash on and off] Thousands of Chinese performers playing ancient Chinese drums. [the roll ends in a wave of drummers standing up straight and not drumming] The precision of their movements made even more impressive by their massive numbers. [all the drummers strike their drums at once and the light display resumes] Scene Description: Cartman's room, night. Cartman isn't having a peaceful dream Cartman: [dreaming about being at the Opening Ceremonies] No! The Chinese, no! Somebody has to stop them! [The stadium lights come up and the drummers resume their drumming. Cartman is getting restless] No! No! Liane: [knocks on his door] Eric? Sweetie, are you having nightmares about the Chinese again? Cartman: [talking in his sleep] They're gonna... take over the world! HAA! [The drummers start up again] Too many of them. [Cartman now dreams of walking among the drummers] No! Leave us alone! [The drummers strike solidly on their drums, and Cartman now finds himself bouncing on the drums as they rise and fall under him] Nooo! [Four different groups of Chinese Olympians surround him. Cartman wakes from his nightmare and checks his face to be sure he's not dreaming] Damn it no! No! Liane: [quickly enters the room, turns on the light and comes to his side] Sweetiekins, are you all right? Cartman: Mom. Mom, the Chinese are gonna get me! Liane: [consoles him] No, sweetie, the Chinese aren't going to get you. Cartman: [sobbing] They are so! There's two billion of them and their economy is getting better and with all their advances in technology they're gonna bring down America! Scene Description: The bus stop, day. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny await the bus. Cartman walks up and stands between Kyle and Kenny. Cartman: [being serious] All right. Guys, we need to talk. [no response from the other three] You know, uh we can all just pretend... that we didn't see those opening ceremonies but, the Chinese... are very real. We've gotta do something. [the other boys stay silent] Are we just gonna pretend America is going to be okay? Are we just going to... wait until they've taken over the world? Kyle: [steps forward, away from the others] I'm sorry. [holds his palms up and out, then shakes them as if to hold off something] I I'm sorry, I can't do this. [then lowers them] I'm not doing this. [walks off to his right] Stan: [stops Kyle in his tracks just by saying] Kyle, you're supposed to tell Cartman he's being racist or something? Kyle: Yeah he's an idiot but uh I'm sorry, I just... I can't do this anymore, okay? I... I can't do this anymore! [walks away. The other boys look at him, Stan a bit shocked] Kenny: (Damn.) Scene Description: '[Kyle's room, moments later. Kyle is at his desk moping, his arms crossed and his face buried in them. Someone knocks twice, then opens the door. It's Stan.]' Stan: Kyle. [Kyle doesn't reply. Stan sighs, closes the door and approaches him] Kyle, you can't keep doing this. You know what, at some point, you've got to let this go. Kyle: Yeah? Well... maybe you can forget what happened, but I... can't. Stan: Look, what happened, happened. We can't change it now. We have to move on. Kyle: [leaves his desk angrily and faces Stan] Move on?! Our friend was raped, Stan! He was raped, and we all stood there and did [takes his hands, puts them side by side, and sweeps them out away from each other] nothing! Stan: There was nothing we could do, Kyle! [Kyle walks away. Stan says softly] There was nothing we could do. We had to get out of there. Kyle: [turns around and faces Stan] Did we?! Maybe we could have stopped them! Stan: How? Kyle: [turns away again] I dream about it every night. Every time I close my eyes I see us just running away, running while they ray-rape him over and over again. [clenches his fists at the thought of it, then loosens the grips and turns around] And because we did nothing... they got away. Stan: You can't keep torturing yourself like this, Kyle. Let it... go. Kyle: [wipes something from his forehead] I'm... glad... that you guys can just keep living. I don't think I can. [walks out of the room. Stan watches him leave, then sighs] Stan: [puts his hands in his jacket pockets] God damn it. Scene Description: Butters' bathroom. Butters is taking a bubble bath with a rubber ducky and a toy submarine Butters: Lu lu lu I've got some space flight. Lu lu lu space flights seem old... Lu lu lu- Cartman: [bursts into the bathroom, startling Butters] There you are, Butters! Butters: Uhuh, Eric. Cartman: Butters, I need your help. Butters: Not now, Eric, I'm ih I'm indecent. Cartman: The Chinese are gonna take us over, Butters! And we are the only people who seem to care! Butters: The Chinese? Cartman: I handed out fliers, called together meetings, but it's like... everyone's turning a blind eye. The Chinese are taking over the world and nobody's doing anything! It's up to you and me, Butters. We have to stop the Chinese now. Butters: Aw, I can't stop the Chinese tonight, Eric, uh I'm supposed to make a model car with my dad. Cartman: You don't get it Butters! Our lives are about to change! The Chinese outnumber us a million to one. And when their army gets here, they're gonna kill your parents! Butters: Why are they gonna kill my parents? Cartman: Because the Chinese hate Americans! That's why I've started: the American Liberation Front. A group dedicated to freeing American from Chinese tyranny. [with determination] Will you join me? Butters: I don't want my parents to die. Cartman: [hops onto the stool] So you'll join the American Liberation Front?! Butters: Well sure. Cartman: [cups Butters' right hand between his own two hands] You and me: we're going to be the brave little boys who fought back, Butters. We are not letting them take over our country. Fuck the Chinese. Butters: Yeah, [pounds his left fist into the water] fuck 'em. Scene Description: Kyle's room, night. He's asleep Kyle: No... No! [he's having a nightmare] No... Scene Description: In the dream. Only the voices are heard at first Kyle: No, wait. No, we have to stop them! They're raping him. Rape! Stan: Let's get out of here! Kyle: We can't just leave! Stan: Come on! Kyle: Aw it's horrible! [we now join the dream already in progress] Scene Description: The setting is the Bijou theater, day. The movie playing is "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" Stan: Oh God! Kyle: Somebody do something! Clyde: Why are they doing this?! Scene Description: Inside the theater. Kyle: They're just taking Indiana Jones and they're... [blinks hard] they're raping him! [Stan quickly covers his eyes] Stan: I can't watch! [uncovers his eyes and rises from his seat] Let's get out of here Kyle! [leaves. Kenny follows him out of the row, then Clyde, Butters, and Jimmy.] Kyle: Why would Spielberg and Lucas do this?! Stan: COME ON LET'S GO! [grabs Kyle by the right hand and drags him out] Kyle: WHY ARE THEY DOING THIIIS?! Stan: JUST RUN!! [the six boys run out of there.] Scene Description: Outside the theater. Stan: Why aliens? Aliens don't belong in an Indiana Jones movie? [Kyle throws up] Come on dude! There's nothing we can do! Clyde: [in despair] Whyyy? Whyyy?? [Kenny runs around is disbelief] Jimmy: We can't help him now. Butters: Well I thought it was pretty good. Stan: Let's just go, Let's just go! [grabs Kyle's right hand and pulls him away from the theater] Kyle: [suddenly wakes up] NOO! [sits on the edge of his bed.] Noo. No. Awwh. [sobs softly in relief] Aw no... Scene Description: South Park, day. Cartman and Butters walk down the street and approach a corner. Cartman is carrying a duffle bag Cartman: All right Butters, we're here. [sets the duffle bag down] Are you ready? Butters: I'm scared, but I know my country needs me. Cartman: This is it, Butters. We have to be strong. We're taking down those God damned Chinese right now. [points at something across the street - a P.F. Chang's China Bistro] Things could get ugly in there, Butters. We've got to infiltrate, and find out the Chinese invasion plans. [opens the duffle bag and begins to search through it] Butters: But Eric, wu-why would the, Chinese tell us their invasion plans? Cartman: Because we're going to make them think... we're one of them. [pulls out a Chinese peasant hat] Here, put these teeth in! [hands him some buck teeth] And just say "herro" and "prease" a lot. [puts in his own buck teeth and squints his eyes] "Oh, herro prease." Ping pong ching chong. Butters: Ping ping. Herro. ...Prease. Scene Description: P.F. Chang's, moments later. Cartman and Butters enter in Chinese costumes. Cartman now has makeup on his eyes while Butters wears a fez and has drawn glasses around his eyes Greeter: [a woman] Uhh welcome to P.F. Chang's. I'll be right with you. [turns to other guests] Butters: [leans over] Hey, Eric, uh these people aren't Chinese. Cartman: [panics, voice rising] Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Butters: [walks up to him] What? Cartman: It's already started. White people in here working for the Chinese. They're selling out their own country! Greeter: Uh, can I help you? Cartman: Ah yes, herro prease. [puts his hands together and bows a bit] We are Chinese peopull. Butters: [also bows] Herro prease. Ting tao ding ling. Greeter: Uh yeah, why don't I seat you over here? [they follow her to their table and take their seats. She gives them their menus] Your waitress will be right with you. Cartman: Fruttar sheshar. [the greeter leaves] What the hell is going on here? We've gotta sneak our back into the back Butters- uh huck! [goes into hushed tones and points] There they are! Chinese people! There are Chinese people right over there! [Butters leans over and looks back. Sure enough, a Chinese family of five is looking at them] Do you see them? Butters: Yeah. Cartman: Oh my God the Chinese are here. Okay, okay I'm freaked out. I'm freaking out. Butters: Stay calm, Eric. Cartman: They're right over there, and they're gonna start screaming and banging on those drums, and then they're go- [Butters smacks him, shutting him up] Thank you Butters. All right, we need to go over there and find out what we can from those Commie rats. [they make their way to the family's table] Oh, herro, prease, herro. Butters: [bows a bit] Herro, prease. Cartman: So nice to see othaa Chinese peopull heeh. As you can see, we are Chinese peopull ourselves. Butters: Fing fong ting tong. Cartman: Ting ton teetong. Mother: 他们在干什么啊？[subtitled] What are they doing? Father: 诶，我真的不知道。[subtitled] I don't know. Cartman: Yeah, [gibberish] So, what are the plans to take over America again? I fohgot. [snickers. The family just stares at them] Scene Description: Stark's pond, evening. Jimmy sits on a bench staring out over the water as the sun sets. The lake looks more like a lake should look now Stan: [walks into view] Jimmy? I don't know what to do about Kyle. [walks towards the shore] You know, I... I don't think he's ever going to be the same. Jimmy: And what about you, Stan? We were all in the theater that day. We all... saw it happen. Stan: Yeah well I, I just try not to think about it. Jimmy: I thought I could go on like before. But after seeing Indiana get raped... After seeing Indiana get raped I know I'll never be the sa-a-ame, the same? The same. [Stan turns right and sighs] Do you remember that scene with Indiana in the refrigerator? [Stan turns his head to look back] It didn't make any sense, Stan. Stan: [turns to face Jimmy] I don't need this now. [looks away and closes his eyes] I just want things to be the way they were! [runs off] Jimmy: [turns left to follow Stan's path] You can't run away from it forever, [faces the lake again] Stan! Sooner or later, we all have to face what we fe-fe-fehh fehsow. Scene Description: Stan wanders through town, but stops to remember something: he's in the movie theater watching a movie and eating popcorn Stan: Indiana Jones! All right! [The screen is shown: Indy is at the foot of a long set of stairs] Indy: [turns to face Stan] Hey there, Stan. All set to see my new adventure? Stan: [happily] You bet, Indiana! [Stan's jaw drops. Steven Spielberg and George Lucas walk up behind Indy, smiling] No!... Look out Indy, it's... Steven Spielberg and George Lucas! Spielberg: Well well hello there Indiana. [rubs Indy's left shoulder] Lucas: [pats Indy's back lovingly] You're looking cute. [they begin to rough him up] Stan: No! Uh what are you gonna do to him?! [they begin to disrobe Indy] Spielberg: Oh yeah! [Spielberg rips Indy's shirt open] Indy: No! [Stan covers his mouth in disbelief and alarm] Stan: Indy! [Lucas and Spielberg now have Indy pinned to the ground] Lucas: Yeah! Get his pants down! Get his pants down! [Spielberg pulls down Indy's pants as Indy wails] Spielberg: Hold him, Lucas! Come on! Lucas: [holding Indy down] Heheh! He-he ain't goin' nowhere! Spielberg: [gets on top of Indy] Yeah! Stan: No, stop! Raape! Indy: HOOOOOOOOO! [the daydream ends and Stan has tears in his eyes. He breaks down and falls on all fours, weeping. He raises his face and fist to the sky and continues weeping] Scene Description: P.F. Chang's. Cartman and Butters are still there... Cartman: All right, Butters, I think we've almost got the Chinese to trust us! Now as soon as they tell us their invasion plans, make a run for that door, okay?! Butters: Okay, okay. Cartman: Ho ho, that's a good one, Ping Ling. Hoho. So ah where were we? Oh yes, the invasion pran. Butters: Huh, invasion pran. Cartman: What day is American invasion again? I fohget. [snickers] Father: 'Scuse me, miss? Greeter: Yes sir? Father: These people won't leave us alone. Cartman: [thinks a bit] ...No no, it's okay. We are Chinese peopull. Father: You aren't Chinese. Cartman: Oh my God... Butters: We're busted! Uh what do we do?? Greeter: Okay, why don't we go... Cartman: Stay- stay back! Nobody moves, you got that?! [moves into the main area of the restaurant] Don't... touch us! We know what the Chinese are up to! We saw the Olympic Opening Ceremonies! [a couple stops eating] The gig is up! Everyone just s-step over to that wall! [points to his right] I mean it! Butters, hold this gun on them. [pulls a gun from a pocket and hands it to Butters] Butters: A gun? Cartman: Hold the gun on them Butters! Butters: I don't want a gun, Eric! Cartman: They're taking over our country, Butters! This is life or death now! Help! Me! Butters: Oh jeez... Cartman: Everyone get up and go over to that wall! Do it! Move! [the guests rise from their seats with their hands up and move over to the wall Cartman pointed to] We, are the American Liberation Front! And you are ALL going to pay for betraying your country to the Chinese! Patron: This is stupid. I'm leaving! Cartman: Nobody is going anywhere until the police arrive! Patron: [walks towards the front doors] Screw you! Cartman: Shoot him, Butters! Butters: No! Cartman: You have to shoot him, Butters! He's gonna warn all the Chinese and they're gonna kill your parents! Do it! Do it! Butters: Waah! [looks away with his eyes shut and shoots at the patron. The bullet hits the patron in the groin, which splatters all over his clothes. The patron puts his hands over his crotch in pain] Patron: Ow! A-Ah! A-Ooowww! Cartman: Aw dude, you shot him in the dick. Butters: Huh? Cartman: That's not cool Butters. You don't shoot a guy in the dick. Butters: But I was just trying to stop him, and you said- Cartman: [faces him] It doesn't matter, Butters! You never shoot a guy in the dick. Everyone knows that! Shooting a guy in the dick? That's just, that's just weak. I can't believe you, Butters. Scene Description: Stormy Weathers's office. Kyle sits in a chair facing the Stormy, who's behind his desk. Kyle: My name is Kyle Broflovski. My friend was raped last Memorial Day weekend. And, and I [sniffs and wipes his nose with his right hand] I'm gonna help prosecute the men responsible. Stormy: [looking through the paperwork] You want to bring Steven Spielberg and George Lucas to trial for raping Indiana Jones. Kyle: I know that I'll have to testify, that I'll have to... relive what I saw that day. [sniffs and wipes his nose with his right hand] But I can't let Spielberg and Lucas get away with it. Not this time. Even if I have to do it alone. Stan: You aren't alone. [he enters the room with Kenny, Clyde, and Jimmy] Kyle: [gets off the chair] Stan? Stan: We'll all testify. We can't let them ever do this again. [begins to cry and leans into Kyle's shoulder. Kyle consoles him and begins to cry. The other boys cry as well] I love you. Kyle: I love you too. Stormy: [interrupts the crying] Uh kids, kids, I'm sorry, but this is ridiculous. Stan: Wh-why? Stormy: You don't have a case here. You can't really say that Spielberg and Lucas raped Indiana Jones in the new film. Kyle: [points at him] Did you see it? Stormy: Yes I saw it, but I- [his face drops and he turns away] But I just try not to think about it. Stan: Then you saw what Lucas and Spielberg did to him! Stormy: I don't know what I saw! [crosses his arms] All right?! I mean, it wa-it was dark in the theater... I mean... yeah, things got a little out of hand with the plot... the third act took too long, uh- Kyle: Indy deserved more than that! Stormy: [wheels around] GET OUT! JUST GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE! [the boys leave, and the DA slams the door shut on them. The DA returns to his desk, sits in his chair, and begins to cry. He remembers the scene this way:] No, no... [pounds his desk] Scene Description: a bar, night. Indy is at a pinball machine playing away Spielberg: Well well, Indiana Jones. [the Stormy is playing on a different arcade game] You're looking nice. [the pinball machine the Stormy is at has a Willow theme all over; the one Indy is at has a Howard the Duck theme. Lucas has Indy pinned on the machine with his pants down. Spielberg unbuttons Indy's shirt and starts licking his nipples.] Indy: Hey. Hey! [begins to wail and moan] Spielberg: There you go, Lucas! Dick him! [Indy struggles to get away, but Lucas is in full control] He's gonna do it right there! All right! All right Georgie! Lucas: Grab his hands, heh. [Spielberg runs up and holds Indy's hands down on the pinball machine] Stormy: Hey leave him alone! [Lucas now pulls down his pants and sticks his dick in Indy's ass, firmly covering Indy's mouth with his right hand to muffle the screams.] Spielberg: COME ON BIG GUY! Indy: NOOO! [three men approach to see what's happening. Indy looks at them and they quickly leave. The pinball machine moves violently. A glass of beer resting on it falls and shatters. Lucas comes to climax and the strain on his face is clearly shown. The Stormy covers his eyes, and his recollection ends] Stormy: Nooo... Nohoho... [pounds his desk. Moments later he opens his window as the boys leave the courthouse] Waaait! [the boys stop and look up] Wait I... want to help! [begins to cry. The boys down below begin to cry also.] Scene Description: P.F. Chang's, night. The diners are all up against the wall. Father: Look, we don't know what you're talking about. There's no Chinese plan to take over America. Cartman: Shaddup! These American traitors might have bought your propaganda, but not us! [police sirens are heard approaching] Oh, thank God, the police are here! We're safe! [walks towards the front doors] Captain: You with the gun, step out or we will fire upon you. Cartman: [walks outside] No no, you got it wrong. We aren't the Chinese, we're the good gu- [notices something different. The camera shows that one of the police officers is Chinese] AAH! [runs back inside and back to Butters] Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Butters: Uhwhat? Cartman: [quite agitated] One of the cops is Chinese! Son of a bitch, how high up does this thing go? We can't trust anybody here, Butters! [heads to a window with Butters in tow, and opens it] Don't come any closer! We have information that we will only trust with the President of the United States! Officer: The President? Captain: All right men, come on. We're going in. Cartman: No! God damn it we're serious! We'll only talk to the President! Stop! Fire a warning shot, Butters! [Butters shuts his eyes and shoots. The Chinese officer is struck in the groin and it explodes all over his clothes] Chinese Officer: [puts his hands over his crotch] Ow! Ah, o-ow! [Cartman looks on in disbelief] Cartman: Dude! What the fuck are you doing?! Butters: What? What happened? [looks outside the window] Cartman: God damn it Butters, what did I say about shooting guys in the dick?! Butters: Aw, I did it again? Cartman: What the hell is wrong with you?! That is not cool, Butters! That is not cool! [looks away for a few moments, but...] You don't fucking do that! You don't shoot a guy in the dick! Butters: [finally speaks up] Well okay, I'm sorry! Cartman: ...It's not okay! Defeating the Chinese won't mean anything if we do it by going around shooting people in the dick! [walks away] God damn it! Scene Description: Park County Police Station, night. Stormy and the five boys are inside Stormy: It's all right there in front of you, Detective. Five sworn statements from these... brave boys. It's now up to you. Det. Yates: Are you nuts?! I'm not going out and arresting Steven Spielberg and George Lucas! Stan: But they raped Indiana Jones! Kyle: I know it's hard to think about, but you have to be strong. Remember how that movie made you feel. Det. Yates: I didn't see it. [the boys stay silent] Jimmy: ...You didn't see the new Indiana Jones movie? Det. Yates: No! I don't think anybody here saw it. Did you, Mitch? [Mitch is at the window looking outside through the glass] Mitch? Mitch? [close-up on Mitch, who begins to remember... Indiana is walking through some Southern woods when he encounters two men, one with a rifle, one with a knife.] Spielberg: [holding the knife] Well well, Indiana Jones. What you doin' in our neck of the woods? [menacing] Now let's see you just drop them pants! Indy: Drop? Spielberg: Just take 'em right off. Indy: Uh what do you guys want? Lucas: Don't say anything, just do it. And pull off that little ol' biddy. The shirt there, too. [Indy takes off his clothes] Spielberg: Them panties. Take 'em off. [Indy reluctantly removes his briefs. Spielberg turns and throws his knife into a nearby tree and goes after Indy. Indy turns and runs, but Spielberg chases him down and tackles him.] There, boy! I bet you can squeal! I bet you can squeal like a pig! [twists Indy's left ear lobe] Come on, squeal. Squeal now. Squ-squeal! [Indy tries each time, but can't do it] Weeee! Squeal. Indy: We-eee! Spielberg: Squeal louder. Weeee! Indy: [at the same time] Weee! Spielberg: Louder louder! Weeee! Indy: [at the same time] Weee! Spielberg: Louder! Get down there boy! [has Indy on his knees and mounts him. Lucas cackles softly] Get them britches down. Indy: No... Spielberg: Yes, sir! Come on, squeal! Weeeeee! Indy: [squeezes his eyes shut] Weee! Spielberg: Weeeeee! [Lucas grunts excitedly] Weeee! Indy: Hawwww! Hawwww! [Mitch's recollection end and he's crying. Kyle walks up to him and consoles him] Kyle: It's okay. You don't have to feel alone anymore. [Mitch begins to bawl and that sends the boys to crying] Scene Description: P.F. Chang's, day. The police have fallen back to their original positions Scene Description: P.F. Chang's, inside. Cartman is pacing the floor talking to someone on a mobile phone. No one is near him Cartman: No no! You listen to me! I have Chinese attackers here! And Chinese supporters! If I go outside, there are more Chinese ready to take me down! Defending America is all that matters, Mr. President! And I will stop at nothing! You understand that I [POP. Cartman looks around, then drops the phone and runs to the source of the pop. Butters has fired the gun again. Cartman runs up to him] What happened?! Butters: They uh tr-tried to come in through the roof! They were gonna take the gun. Cartman: Good! Did you kill him? [grins in hope] Butters: Uh, not exactly. SWAT Officer: [his hands over his bloodied crotch] Ow. Oh, it stings. Ohhhh. [Cartman's eyelids drop halfway and he looks at Butters. Butters looks back and Cartman glances away] Butters: Well it's not where I aimed, honest. Cartman: Dude... Butters: I seriously didn't mean it. Cartman: Dude! [Butters looks to his right and down] You know what, Butters? You know what? Forget it. [walks off] Butters: What? Uh where are you going, Eric? Cartman: [near the front doors, turns around and jabs a finger at Butters] You can just deal with the Chinese invasion yourself if that's how you're gonna do it, Butters! I'm out, man. Butters: By, by my, by myself? Cartman: I didn't sign up for this! You take your American Liberation Front and you shove it up your ass. [walks out of the restaurant in defeat towards the waiting officers] That's it. Kill me. Do whatever. I can no longer conscionably be a part of the American Liberation Front. Captain: Go inside! Move! [the officers rush the restaurant] Scene Description: A camera pans from the sky down towards a mansion. Deputies drive up in their cruisers and run to the front door. One of them pounds on the front door Deputy 1: George Lucas and Steven Spielberg! We have a warrant for your arrest! [there's no response. He looks at another deputy] Break it in! [the second deputy kicks the doors in and leads the other deputies inside. They search the mansion until they reach the library, where they enter and suddenly stop. They all gasp.] Deputy 2: My God. [Lucas is raping a man dressed as a Stormtrooper] Spielberg: Heey, what, what the hell are you doin' here?! [Lucas stops. Moments later, Spielberg and Lucas are led out of the mansion.] You've got nothin' on us! Seven hundred million box office! Lucas: Hm this is bullshit! Stormtrooper: [runs away like a chicken] Weeee! Weeee! Scene Description: Park County Police Station. The boys await any updates about the arrest of Spielberg and Lucas. Yates and Mitch enter the waiting room Det. Yates: Boys, we got 'em. Kyle: What? Det. Yates: [puts his hands on his hips] Spielberg and Lucas, they were... raping a Stormtrooper when the police broke in. Mitch: And they found the dead raped bodies of Yoda and Short Round in their closet. [crosses his arms] They'll never be free to do this again. [the boys gather around the officers] Stan: So, what now? Jimmy: Do you think things can ever go back to n-n-n, n-no, normal after this? Clyde: What do we do? Kyle: We live. That's what Indy would have wanted. We just try... to live. Scene Description: P.F. Chang's, day. The diners are all out of the restaurant. Cartman and Butters are in the middle of the street. The police still have their weapons aimed at them Captain: Everyone just stay where you are until we can sort this all out. Father: There's nothing to sort out! These kids need to be put in jail! Captain: We're going to search everyone and get statements! And the- Officer 1: Sir! Sir, it's over. They got 'em. Captain: Got who? Officer 1: Spielberg and Lucas, they... finally got them for what they did to Indiana Jones, sir. [the captain lowers his gone and suddenly hugs the officer gratefully] Captain: [softly] Hohhh, they got them. Officer 2: They got 'em. It's over. Officer 3: It's over. [they hug each other] Father: That means... they'll never be free to rape again. Waiter: It's over its over. [everyone weeps in relief and cry out "They got 'em." Most of them hug each other] Officer 4: I love you. Officer 5: I love you too. [Cartman, with a cock of his head to the right, motions to Butters to move, and they walk away. As they walk, Cartman begins discarding his costume] Butters: So wait. That's it? What about the Chinese invasion? Cartman: I really don't care anymore, Butters. You see, I've learned something today. As Americans our fear of seeing another country become powerful can turn us into monsters. Watching how crazy you went. Watching you just... shoot people in the dick like that. It made me realize that I want America to be safe, but not at the cost of losing its dignity. I'd rather us be... Chinese... than a nation of unethical dickshooters. [turns aside] You think about it. [turns and walks away.] Butters: [just stands there for a while] ...Can't believe they put 'em in jail. And I thought that movie was pretty good. [walks off in a different direction]

Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids are in class waiting for the bell to ring. Mr. Garrison enters with some books. Mr. Garrison: Okay, children, let's all take our seats. [the kids take their seats as Mr. Garrison approaches his desk and puts the books away] Before we get started today, Wendy Testaburger has asked to share something with the class. Wendy? [Clyde, Kyle, and Bradley take their seats and Wendy walks up to the front of the class. She turns to face the class and looks over at Mr. Garrison] Wendy: [clears her throat] Thank you, Mr. Garrison. [reads from her notes] Fellow students, October is Awareness Month for one of the leading causes of death among women. A terrible disease that takes the lives of American women every day. I'm talking, of course, about breast cancer. [Cartman tries to contain his laughter, but it comes out anyway. Wendy is mad, but resumes her report.] An estimated one in six women will deal with cancer in their lifetime, and breast cancer is the most common- [Cartman again tries to contain his laughter] Cartman: She said it again. [laughs] Wendy: Is there a problem?! Because breast cancer isn't funny! Breast cancer is killing people! Cartman: [enjoying his distraction] Mr. Garrison, do we really need all this potty talk in the classroom? Mr. Garrison: [lowers his head and rubs his right temple] Eric, for the love of Jesus... Wendy: This is a serious issue, Eric! What you're doing is very offensive! Cartman: Me? You're the one talking about killer titties. [Clyde contains a giggle] Watch out, guys. Wendy said boobs can kill people. [holds his hands out as if grabbing at people] Grrr. Gonna get you. Gonna get you, Wendy! Butters: I don't wanna get killed by boobs. Wendy: Will somebody do something? Every week he gets worse and nobody does anything! Mr. Garrison: [flatly] Eric, stop being offensive. Cartman: I'm just trying to engage Wendy in a constructive dialogue about breast cancer awareness, Mr. Garrison. Wendy: [irritated] No, you aren't! Cartman: Wendy, you need to calm down. You're gonna get your boobs all angry and they're gonna start killing everyone. [the other boys laugh. He joins them] Dude, I'm on fire today! Scene Description: The school hallway, later. Wendy puts up a Breast Cancer Awareness poster up next to the drinking fountain. Other kids walk here and there, and Cartman appears Cartman: Look out, everyone. There's some killer titties on the loose. [points to the ceiling] Could've swore I heard them coming through the roof. [Wendy turns and glares at him. Cartman talks into an imaginary walkie talkie] "Pssht! Officer! We need to get an APB out on those titties! They're armed and dangerous!" [Wendy suddenly gets in Cartman's face] Wendy: What is your problem? Breast cancer isn't funny. Cartman: Not at all. [cups his hands again as if they're killer titties] "Wendy, we're gonna get you, Wendy. We're your boobs, we're gonna kill you!" Wendy: [points to him] You'd better shut up [lowers her right arm] or I'll make you shut up! Cartman: Oho, really? What are you gonna do about it, Wendy? Wendy: I'm gonna kick your ass! That's what I'm gonna do! Cartman: Haha, you're gonna kick my ass? Wendy: That's right, I'm gonna kick your ass! Cartman: [begins to act like a gangbanger] You wanna throw down, dawg? I'll throw down. Wendy: You think you're tough? Cartman: [takes what looks like a gang pose] Whassup? [takes another one] Whassup? Wendy: I'll smack the shit out of you! Cartman: Standing right here, let's go, bitch. Wendy: After school! We fight after school! You got that?! Cartman: You're gonna fight me after school? Wendy: That's right! Cartman: You're a chick, dude. Wendy: As soon as that bell rings, we do it outside, you got that?! And you better be there. Cartman: [poses again] Oh, it's on, bitch! Wendy: You're gonna [jabs at the floor for emphasis] fucking die! [turns and walks away. Cartman strikes a few more poses] Butters: Wendy and Eric are fightin' after school! Hey, everybody! [goes forth to spread the news. He walks by Stan, Kyle, and Bebe] Wendy and Eric are fightin' after school! Stan: What? Bebe: Wow. [goes forth to spread the news among the girls. She walks into the girls' bathroom and announces] Wendy and Cartman are gonna fight after school! Girls: [separately] Really? Wow. Scene Description: The kindergarten room. Kindergartners are playing with toys when Ike walks in Ike: [faltering a bit] Wendy and Cartman are fighting after school. [the other kindergartners jump for joy] Kindergartners: Yaaay! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, behind the cafeteria. The Goth kids are idling around. Henrietta is reading from her book Red: [opens the door and says] Hey, emo kids, Cartman and Wendy are gonna fight after school. [goes back inside and closes the door] Pete: [flips his hair out of his eyes] Did she just call us emos? Scene Description: The cafeteria. Most of the kids are eating lunch. At the center table are eight boys: Kenny, Clyde, Cartman, Butters, Jimmy, Token, Craig, and Jason Butters: Jeez, I can't believe Wendy's gonna fight you after school. Token: She is pissed off. Cartman: She is not gonna show up to a fight, dawg. I'm sure she's already trying to figure a way to get out of it. Clyde: [taps Cartman twice on the right arm] Hey, check it out. She's totally staring you down. [Cartman leans to the right a bit to get a better view. Craig, Token, and Jimmy look back at the table behind them. Wendy stares back. There are six other girls at her table: Bebe to her right, Lola and Heidi to her left, Esther opposite Bebe, Anne opposite Lola, and Millie opposite Heidi. There's no one seated opposite Wendy, so she has a clear view. Bebe leans over and whispers something to her. Cartman smiles, but the smile turns into worry] She sure seems confident. You should probably go easy on her, dude. You don't wanna put her in the hospital or anything. Cartman: Yeah, I'm just gonna teach her a lesson. I'm not gonna totally... kick her ass. [Cartman looks at Wendy again, and Wendy stares back. She makes a fist with her right hand and punches the open palm of her left hand.] Jimmy: Can't go too easy on her though. God forbid she actually gets in a good good punch and... beats ya. Butters: Yeah, heh. [grabs his milk carton] If you got beat up by a girl, everyone would think you were a faggot. [takes a sip of milk through a straw and sets the carton down. Cartman begins to panic, looks around, and looks again at Wendy. Her face becomes the only thing he sees] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, after lunch. In the hallway, Wendy puts away her books. Cartman finds her and walks up to her Cartman: Wendy, could I talk to you for a second? Wendy: What?! Cartman: [almost whispering] Wendy, I want to apologize, and, um, tell you that- Wendy: What? Cartman: [takes her aside and whispers] I want to apologize, and tell you that... I'm sorry for what I said. Okay? It was wrong of me, and I promise you that it won't happen again. I don't wanna fight you after school, all right? So, I'm sorry. Wendy: If you're really sorry, you can say it in front of everyone! Cartman: [takes her aside further and whispers] Actually, I was thinking... let's just keep this between us. I was wrong to make fun of breast cancer, and I'm very remorsefulness. Wendy: No! If you're really sorry, and you wanna apologize to me, then do it in front of everyone. Cartman: [seeing the unwanted attention] Pfft, apologize?! [begins to strike poses] That's not what I said, you dumb bitch. Heheh, heheh. Wendy: Yes, you did! You just stood there and said you apologize and you don't want to fight! Cartman: Oh, Wendy, such a desperate attempt to get out of it. These students are a little too smart to see you're just making excuses not to fight me. Wendy: I don't want an excuse! I'm going to beat the fucking shit out of you! Cartman: [trying to put up a front] Ohhh, ahhhh... That's funny. You're gonna die, you lesbo. [Wendy goes back to her locker, the other kids go their separate ways. Wendy shuts her locker door and Cartman races up to her again. He whispers] Wendy, seriously though, I do want to apologize. I'm really sorry and I don't think we should fight. Wendy: Get away from me! [walks away] Scene Description: Another part of the hallway. The Goth kids are walking along and notice Stan at his locker. They approach him Michael: So, everyone's saying there's gonna be a fight between Eric Cartman and your girlfriend. Stan: I guess so. Pete: And you're gonna... just let that guy... beat up on your woman? Doesn't that, like, go against your jockey man code or something? [flips his hair] Michael: Yeah, I don't ever remember AC/DC singing about letting dudes beat up on their girlfriends. Stan: What am I supposed to do about it? [Craig and Jimmy walk up to him] Craig: Don't worry, Stan, I don't think the fight's even gonna happen. Cartman said that Wendy's already begging him to call it off. Jimmy: I'll bet she is! Butters: [walks into view] Ah, I hope not! I wanna see Eric kick the crap out of her! [performs some punching moves] Scene Description: Another part of the hallway. Wendy's walking along when a door opens to her left Cartman: [peers out from the doorway] Wendy. Wendy, psst. Wendy: What?! Cartman: Psst real, real quick. Just psst, real quick. [Wendy goes into the room Cartman was hiding in, which is a storage room. Once inside, she looks around, taking it all in.] Wendy, you're not gonna believe this. [She turns and glares at him] I just found out my mom has breast cancer. [she glares harder] Man, I sure got what was coming to me! I was a real jerk, and now they're gonna cut off my mom's boobs. Wendy: You really think that's gonna work on me?! Cartman: Wendy, [pulls out a letter-sized envelope] I have here twenty-seven dollars in cash. If you just call off the fight, then I- Wendy: You can't bribe your way out of this! Cartman: [puts his left hand up to hold her back] Wendy, I have muscular dystrophy. Wendy: No, you don't. Cartman: [thinks for a moment] My mom has muscular dystrophy. In her boobs. Wendy: You don't get it, asshole! [shoves him back a bit] There is nothing you can do to stop this fight! I am going to wipe the playground with you right in front of everyone! I am going to shove your ass down your throat and make you eat your underwear! Cartman: Eat my underwear? Wendy: That's right. Cartman: [walks a few steps away] Okay. Okay, Wendy, I will eat my underwear. Right here, right now. Wendy: Jesus Christ, do you have no sense of self-respect?! Cartman: No. U-unless you want me to. You want me to have self-respect, then I will. Wendy: You fucking suck so hard! Cartman: I'll eat my underwear, Wendy. [unzips his pants.] And then you'll be satisfied. We can put this whole thing behind us. Wendy: What are you doing?! [Cartman takes off his underwear] Cartman: I'm committed to peace, Wendy. [begins to swallow his underwear] I want you to see just how humbled I am... [gags] Wendy: Ew! [looks away] Cartman: [rather muffled] Euugh. Wendy? Look at me, Wendy. [tries one last swallow and succeeds] There. Yeahm. Wendy: Oh my God! Cartman: So... [turns to face her] are we cool? Wendy: No! Cartamn: I ate my underwear! [advances. Wendy backs up] What the hell do you want from me?! [advances again. Wendy backs up, then runs around Cartman towards the door. He can't turn fast enough to match her] Weh- Wendy: [opens the door] You are so pathetic! Cartman: [throws himself at her mercy] Wendy it isn't fair! [she runs out of there quickly] I ate my underwear for you! Nooo! [Craig walks by and stops to look in] Yo, what's up dawg? Scene Description: The boys' bathroom. Stan enters. Cartman rushes in behind him Cartman: Stan, Stan! Dude, we need to talk. Stan: What? Cartman: You know, Wendy and I are supposed to fight in like three hours. Stan: Yeah? Cartman: Dude, aren't you worried? Wendy's a girl. She could end up getting really hurt, Stan. You're my bro and she's your bitch. I don't wanna hurt my bro's bitch. Stan: I can't do anything; she really wants to fight you. [moves towards the stalls, but Cartman runs up ahead of him and stops him] Cartman: Nu-no, she doesn't. She told me she doesn't wanna fight. She's just stuck, Stan. Because she knows I'm gonna kick her ass, but she feels like if she doesn't fight me all the kids are gonna call her a chicken. Stan: Really? Cartman: You know what she did? She apologized and begged me not to fight her. I said "Well, Wendy, if you're so sorry, then say it in front of everyone.", but she wouldn't. That's how desperate she is. Man, you have to do something, Stan. You have to be a fuckin' man and forbid her from fighting, so she has a way- [his gag reflex kicks in and his underwear comes back up his throat and out of his mouth. Stan looks on a bit stunned as Cartman pulls his underwear the rest of the way out, then glances back and forth at his underwear and at Stan] Oh, that's where I put those. [puts his underwear into a back pocket] Anyway, Stan, you've got to put a stop to this fight. Wendy's stuck and she needs you. Stan: Dude, there's nothing I can do about it. Cartman: [runs to Stan's left, by the sinks] God, you are such a pussy, Stan! You're such a pussy! When I hurt Wendy, it's gonna be on your fucking head! [his underwear is hanging from his right hand. Cartman notices, then runs out of the bathroom. Stan looks down helplessly] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, near the end of the school day. Garrison is at the front of the class giving a lecture Mr. Garrison: And so you see, at this point Euripides knew he could not win the battle. [Cartman glances at the clock on the wall: 2:58 p.m. His fingers drum the desk softly as he looks ahead blankly remembering Wendy's words: "I am going to wipe the playground with you right in front of everyone!" Then Butters': "If you got beat up by a girl, everyone would think you were a faggot."] All right kids, for your homework tonight I want you all to read chapters seven... [Cartman begins to block everything out except Wendy and the wall clock: 2:58 p.m. Wendy's ready to fight.] Bebe: Kick the shit out of him, Wendy! Jimmy: As soon as the bell rings, we've gotta get out there and find a good place to watch the fi-fufu-fight. [As the wall clock draws towards 3 p.m. Cartman thinks "There's no way out. She's gonna kick my ass in front of everyone."] Butters: Almost time. [smiles] Mr. Garrison: And be ready for a quiz tomorrow morning. Clyde: I totally can't see the fight, dude. I have detention after school. Cartman: [a revelation] Detention! That's it! [begins to fidget: "I've gotta get detention, fast!" The minute hand hits 0 and Cartman runs out of his seat towards the front of the class. He gets on Mr. Garrison's desk, shoves the Homework Assignments holder off the desk, lowers his pants, and leaves a nice brown gift on the desk. Mr. Garrison looks at him. The class is stunned as Cartman looks back at Mr. Garrison] Mr. Garrison: Eric, did you just take a crap on my desk? Cartman: [strikes some gang poses] Whassup? Whassup? Crapped on your desk, dawg. What's up with that? [Wendy's especially shocked. No one says a word until...] Butters: [cocks his head to his right] Huh. Scene Description: The school library. Five kids are in detention there, and Mr. Mackey is looking after them Mr. Mackey: Welcome to detention, m'kay? You are here until your parents come and pick you up. Use your time to study. [walks away] Cartman: [puts his feet up on the table and his hands behind his head, certain he's gotten out of the fight with Wendy] Ahhh, sweet. Butters: [a door opens and his voice is heard] Eric. Hey Eric. [the camera shows Butters motioning Cartman over. Craig and Jimmy are behind him. Cartman looks over at them, then leaves his seat and walks to the door] Eric, wha-what's goin' on? Everyone is startin' to say you got detention on purpose to get out of fightin' Wendy. Cartman: What?! That's ridiculous! Butters: But some people think you crapped on Teacher's desk, uh, to get out of the fight. Cartman: That's not why I did it. Craig: Then why'd you crap on Garrison's desk? Cartman: [begins to pose] Because I'm hardcore. You know, I'm I'm antiestablishment. That's how I roll, dawgs. I do hardcore stuff like that. Butters: That's what I said. I told everyone outside, "Cartman ain't scared of fightin' Wendy! He'd do it if he could!". Cartman: Damned straight! I just got all punk rock and got detention, you know! I'm just a bad dude. Craig: Okay, that's good, because we moved the fight to first thing in the morning tomorrow. Jimmy: Before school starts. Everyone's gonna get there early. Cartman: [shocked] Huh? Butters: That way it won't matter if you get detention. Mr. Mackey: [finds him] Eric, get your buns back over here, m'kay?! Jimmy: Wendy said she'd be here an hour before school starts. See you in the morning, ch-ch-ch-champ! [they walk away and the doors close. Cartman stands there for a moment, then returns to his seat. There's a rapping at the window and Cartman looks over] Wendy: [outside] Tomorrow morning! You fucking die tomorrow morning! [walks away. Cartman is truly scared] Scene Description: Wendy's room, night. She's doing math homework Mrs. Testaburger: Wendy? Wendy: Yeah? Mrs. Testaburger: We need to talk to you, right now. [Wendy leaves her chair and her room, and goes downstairs. Her parents are waiting for her, quite displeased and upset as they confront their daughter] Wendy, have you been bullying kids at school? Wendy: What? No! Mrs. Testaburger: Well, do you want to explain why this little boy's mother had to come talk to us? [Wendy looks and sees Cartman and Liane seated on the sofa. Cartman is sobbing quietly] Mr. Testaburger: Did you tell this little boy you were going to beat him up? Wendy: You don't understand. He said horrible things. Cartman: [whining] The, the thing is, I totally said I was sorry, but she still wants to beat me up. [cries into Liane's sweater. She soothes him] Mrs. Testaburger: Wendy, no matter what a person says, you don't respond with violence. Haven't we taught you that? Cartman: The thing is, Wendy, I really think you're awesome, and I know I'm just a nerdy little weakling to you, but I want to be your friend because I don't have that many friends at schooooooooooool. [cries into Liane's sweater. She soothes him again] Mrs. Testaburger: Wendy, you tell this little boy you aren't going to hurt him. Wendy: Mom, you don't- Mrs. Testaburger: Now, young lady! Wendy: I'm not going to hurt you. Mr. Testaburger: If there is any word of you fighting at school it is over for you, missy! Do you understand?! Wendy: Yes, sir. Mrs. Testaburger: We're so sorry about this, Ms. Cartman. Liane: Oh no, thank you so much for your time. [Cartman looks at Wendy, then makes faces at her and sticks both middle fingers up at her. Wendy blushes with fury, but can't do anything now] Mr. Testaburger: It really won't happen again. Liane: You're very sweet. Thank you again. Come on, muffin. [stops making faces and looks up at her, then joins her as she walks to the front door] Cartman: Okay, Mommy. Mama, Mama. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, before school. The fourth graders are all there, with Cartman front and center. Craig and Butters stand by his side as he faces the road Butters: Man it's almost time for school to start an' Wendy still isn't here. Cartman: Yeah, I don't know what's going on. I mean, I showed up. Bebe: Where is she? How come Wendy's not showing up for the fight? An Older Girl: Here she comes! [everyone looks to their right and see Wendy approaching.] Cartman: [begins to strike poses as Wendy walks by] What's up, Wendy? I thought we were meeting early to fight. Wendy: [stops and looks at him] You know I can't fight you! Cartman: Why not? You chicken? [begins to strut and cluck like a chicken] Wendy: I can't fight you because you came crying to my house last night with your mom! Cartman: Pfffft. Aw, that's a doozie, Wendy! You come up with that one on your own?! Butters: Hehehe yeah, did you come up with that one on your own?! Cartman: I ain't frontin' dawg! Let's do this! Let's do it right now, yo. Bebe: Come on, Wendy, kick his ass! Wendy: I can't! [the school bell rings and she walks towards the building] God damn it! Butters: She chickened out! Other students: Aw, man. [they follow her into the building and towards class] Cartman: Told you guys. Stan: Ugh, I'm glad that's over with. Pete: [walking by with the other Goths] Yeah, I guess you've dodged a bullet, Galahad. Jimmy: I always knew deep down that Wendy didn't have any ba-ba-balls. Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's class, morning. Clyde is presenting his report before the class Clyde: And so, we must all recycle. Every day. Recycling is important, and it will save our planet, Earth. The End. [the class applauds politely as he takes his seat. Wendy has her face buried in her arms] Mr. Garrison: Very nice, Clyde. Okay, we have time for one more report before recess. Who'd like to go? [Cartman smiles and silently raises his hand] Okay Eric. [Cartman happily gets out of his seat and goes to face the class] Cartman: [clears his throat] Thank you. My report today is on breast cancer awareness. [Wendy lifts her head up in surprise] I do not believe enough is being done, and, like the victims of breast cancer, there's something I'd like to get off my chest. [stifles a laugh] We all must fight, and hopefully one day, titty cancer will be a distant mammary. [stifles a laugh again] Wendy: [softly] You unbelievable bastard. You beat me but you won't stop. Cartman: What did the breast cancer say to the Polish monkey? Mr. Garrison: Okay, Eric, that's enough, you smartass! Wendy: Why?! [leaves her seat and walks up to Cartman] Why are you doing this to me?! [grabs him by the collar and shakes him] Why won't you just stop?! Cartman: [cautioning] Wendy, Wendy. Principal Victoria: [through the school's PA system] Wendy Testaburger to the principal's office please? Wendy Testaburger to the principal's office. Wendy: God! [Cartman cackles as she leaves] Scene Description: The Principal's office, moments later. Wendy stands before Principal Victoria Principal Victoria: Wendy, I've been hearing rumors about a fight between you and Eric Cartman. Wendy: No, ma'am, there isn't going to be a fight. Principal Victoria: Oh no? Are you sure? Wendy: Yes, ma'am. Principal Victoria: I see. [gets up and walks to the window and looks out] I've noticed all the things you've done for Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Did you know I'm a breast cancer survivor? Wendy: Ma'am? Principal Victoria: I was diagnosed seven years ago. Cancer is... pure evil. It is a fat little lump that needs to be... destroyed. [Faces Wendy] When there is a cancer, you have to "fight" it. You can't reason with cancer, you can't wish it away. Cancer doesn't play by the rules, so neither can you. Wendy: [thinks a moment] My... parents said that if I fight- Principal Victoria: And you can't listen to what anybody else tells you. [turns back to the window] You have to be willing to give up everything, because the cancer will [turns back to Wendy] take everything. Do you understand? Wendy: [the look of determination appears on her face and she makes her hands into fists] Yes, ma'am! Principal Victoria: When you have cancer you fight, because it doesn't matter if you beat it or not. You refuse to let that fat little lump make you feel powerless! Scene Description: The hallway. Bebe bursts through some doors and walks down the hall Bebe: She's gonna fight! Wendy's gonna fight Cartman right now! Millie: What? [the other kids in the hall turn and everyone heads outside. Other classes hear about this and clear out, chattering all the while. Wendy leads the pack towards the playground. While still in the building she takes off her jacket and throws it aside. On her blouse is a purple prancing unicorn connected to some orange stars by a yellow rainbow] Scene Description: The playground. Cartman and the other boys toss the football at each other. Cartman: Go deep, Craig. [throws the football at Craig, who is off-screen] Not that deep, retard! Butters: [runs up to Cartman smiling] She's coming! She's coming! Cartman: Butters, get out of here! Butters: But Wendy's coming to fight you. Cartman: [in disbelief] ...Huh? [Butters turns left and looks at the building, smiling. Cartman looks to his right. The side doors fly open and Wendy walks down the steps spoiling for a fight. The students cheer her on as she turns left and heads for the playground. Some girls trail behind her, Bebe being the first among them.] Clyde: Oh boy here we go! Butters: All right! [other kids chatter around them. The Goth kids find some good spots along the brick wall. Red Goth and Kindergoth sit atop the wall, Tall Goth and Henrietta remain on the ground next to it] Pete: It's about freaking time. [Wendy walks up to Cartman and they face off] Craig: All right, let's DO IT! Cartman: [wavering] What- what's up? [begins posing] What what's up? [draws close to her and cautions in a whisper] Wendy, don't forget: I'll tell my mom on you. Wendy: I don't care! [Cartman looks around. Butters gleefully dances in place waiting for the fight to start] Cartman: Um, recess is almost over, I don't I don't know if there's really time. A Girl: Shut up and fight! [everyone else joins in the demand. Wendy ties her hair up in a small bun behind her head] Cartman: Alright, fine Wendy! I'll fight you, you big bully! [takes off his jacket and tosses it aside] Scene Description: The fighters dance around each other until Wendy lands a right cross. Cartman spins around and falls on his back. Wendy dances around and Cartman stands up, pulling up his pants in the process. Wendy lands two left jabs on Cartman's face, and Cartman finally responds with a right punch. It's strong enough to make Wendy stagger backwards Kids: Ohhhhh! Scene Description: Cartman lands another punch on Wendy's face, then continues with a series of alternating punches, forcing Wendy backwards and into the crowd. Cartman lands a punch strong enough to send Wendy into the jungle gym, then continues punching her there. Wendy eventually catches one of his punches and outmuscles him, throwing Cartman into the jungle gym, then driving his face into one of the bars at least twice, and Cartman begins to bleed. The crowd is loving it, cheering her on. Wendy now delivers a long series of alternating punches, forcing Cartman back across the playground and into a hobby elephant. Cartman puts his arms up to deflect the punches, but it's ineffective. Butters: Fuck him up, Wendy! Scene Description: Cartman finally tosses Wendy off him and throws a punch at her, but she punches faster, making him miss. She then punches him on the right temple, and Cartman wobbles a bit. As he recovers, Wendy delivers the finishing blow: a fierce right cross that turns Cartman's head around and sends his body flying. The scene is frozen in time and the various reactions are shown: Stan, Kyle, Tweek, and Jimmy are cheering Wendy on. Jimmy has his right crutch up in the air, cheering. Butters is swooning while the boys around him just watch the fight. Time speeds up and Cartman falls to the ground, losing a tooth. Wendy kicks him a few times for good measure. She runs out of strength, staggers backwards, and drops down on her ass, exhausted. Mr. Mackey: [just arriving] Wendy? Wendy: [pants and looks back at Mr. Mackey] I'm finished! [gets up and walks away. The girls look at her with astonishment] Mr. Mackey: Eh, somebod - somebody call the principal! [Cartman gets up, sniffling. Some of the kids begin to leave. Cartman looks around] Cartman: [demoralized] You don't have to say anything. I know how it is. I'm no longer the cool kid. Now you all think I'm a fahahahahahag. [begins to wail] My school life is over 'cause now all the guys don't think I'm coooohoohoohoohoohooooool. [wails some more] Stan: Dude, we never thought you were cool. Cartman: That's not true! You're just saying that! Kyle: No, really. We've always thought you suck. Jimmy: Yeah, nothing's changed. Our opinion of you can't possible go any lower. Cartman: You're all just saying that to make me feel better. Craig: No, it's true. We've always hated you. Butters: Well, yeah. Cartman: Don't try and make me feel better, you guys, it isn't... Wait, wait a minute. Why would you guys be saying stuff to make me feel better? Unless... unless you do think I'm cool. [the guys look at each other, sure that Cartman misunderstood them] Craig: [confused] What? Cartman: [seeing a positive side to this somehow] If you're all trying to make me feel better, then you must still like me. Oh, oh phew! Oh, you had me so worried about what you guys were gonna think of me getting beat up by a girl and... it turns out you think I'm cool no matter what. Oh, oh, oh God, what a relief! [jumps up and clicks his feet up in the air] Oh, yay! [jumps up again]

Scene Description: South Park Mall, day. The boys wait for Kenny, who is coming out of Walstien's with his purchase. Once he arrives, the boys move out into the open mall area and turn left. Kyle: I don't get it, Kenny: why do you buy razors and shaving cream? Kenny: ('Cause, dude, i'm gonna shave my balls.) Cartman: Shave your balls? Why would you shave your balls? Kenny: (Because girls like shaved balls.) Kyle: Girls like shaved balls? Kenny: (Yes, they do.) Cartman: What girl is gonna see your balls? Kenny: (I don't know.) [Something grabs Stan's attention and he stops and looks to his right.] Stan: [pissed off] Oh Jesus, there's another one! [the other boys stop and look. A Peruvian pan flute band plays and draws a small crowd] Another pan flute band! Have you guys noticed there's bands like this everywhere you go lately? [the band has a bombo drummer, a siku player, and two charango players] Cartman: Yeah I saw like three of those bands down in Denver yesterday. All their crappy music sounds the same. Stan: I'm so sick of hearing this music everywhere I go! Kyle: I think Kenny likes it. [Kenny's groovin' to the music] Stan: [turns left and leaves] I gotta get home for dinner. Cartman: [follows] Yeah, me too. [Kyle follows Cartman and Kenny keeps dancing.] Scene Description: South Park Mall, exterior. The boys exit the mall. Kenny catches up to them. The camera pulls back to reveal another band. Stan: [pumping his fists] God! Cartman: Shut up already! Stan: I'm outta here; see ya guys. [leaves. Kyle and Cartman follow and Kenny dances again] Scene Description: Stan's house, night. He walks in through the front door and to the sofa, where he finds Shelly watching TV. TV: Tonight, the Travel Channel takes you to London! [the London skyline is shown. A British flag floats across the screen] London has something for everyone! Sights! [a pillar topped by a statue] Theater, and wonderful street performers! [the picture pans down to reveal a pan flute band playing to the crowd] Stan: They're in London too? Sharon: Hey, time for dinner guys. [Shelly turns off the TV and joins Stan to the dining room] Scene Description: The dining room. Sharon arrives with a bowl of fruit as Stan and Shelly take their seats on either side of the table. Sharon has already set their meals on the table. Today's meal? Potatoes au gratin. Sharon: All right kids, dig in. Stan: Where's dad? Sharon: [irritated] He's upstairs videotaping your grandfather in the bathtub. Stan: Why? Sharon: Because ever since your father got that stupid video camera he thinks he has to film everything the family does. Randy: [arrives and starts shooting] All right, here we are. Marsh family gathered for another dinner. [moves around to Stan's side of the table, shooting video all the while] Sharon: Randy, we have plenty of video of us eating dinner. Randy: [points the camera at Shelly] There's Shelly. You excited about eating dinner Shelly? Shelly: Turn it off, Dad! Randy: [swoops around to Shelly's side to get a better shot] Oh look! Stan's eating a tater-tot! Wave to the camera, Stan. [takes a quick look at the screen attached to the camera, to adjust the aim. A second later and pan flute music is heard. Stan looks around and locates the source. He walks to a front window and sees a pan flute band playing across the street. In front of them is a briefcase full of CDs] Stan: Oh Jesus Christ! [Randy walks up behind him with the camera] Randy: Ohhh neato, it's one of those Peruvian pan flute bands. Stan, go out and stand with them. I can get a shot. [Stan just glances at him] Scene Description: Kyle's house, next day. Kenny and Cartman are with him playing Candyland on the living room floor. Cartman: I will play this card to move Kyle back seven spaces... [moves Kyle's piece back seven spaces and softly says] ...screw you Kyle. [normal voice] Aaand all right, your turn, Kenny. [tosses the dice to him] Stan: You guys! You guys, check this out: I saw another Peruvian flute band outside my house last night. Cartman: So? Stan: So? So I just sat there and watched them for a while and, guess how much money they made selling their crappy CDs? Cartman: How much? Stan: Over two hundred bucks. Kyle: Two hundred dollars? Cartman: Really? Are you sure? Stan: Yeah dude, I'm- I'm starting to realize that it's like the easiest job in the world. You know, I mean, we could do that! [the other boys stay quiet] Kyle: ...Become a Peruvian flute band? Stan: Yeah, why not? We get some instruments and some costumes and then... make some crappy pan flute music CDs on my computer. Cartman: [stands up] Oh my god. We're gonna make so much fucking money you guys. Stan: Yeah! Kenny: (Woohoo!) Kyle: But where are we gonna get the money to buy costumes and and the instruments? [the boys give it some thought] Scene Description: Craig's house, moments later. The four boys are at the front door ringing the doorbell. The door opens and Craig appears. Cartman: Craig, dude, how're you doing, bro? Craig: ...Fine. Cartman: Cool, awesome. Um, Craig, remember how you were tellin' us how your grandma gave you a hundred bucks for your birthday? Craig: ...Yeah. Stan: Craig, how would you like to turn that hundred dollars into a thousand dollars? [Craig stays quiet, so Cartman prevails upon him and enters his house] Scene Description: Craig's living room. Cartman: Come on in, Craig. Have a seat. Welcome. Craig: What do you guys want? Kyle: [enters with Stan and Kenny] Craig, we have chosen you to join our Peruvian flute band! Cartman: [applauds] All right Craig! [pats him on the back] Craig: You mean like those guys you see at all the tourist spots? Stan: There's a reason they're everywhere, Craig: because they make bank! We just need your money to buy instruments and make some CDs. Cartman: And we'll double your money in one afternoon, Craig. Craig: [assessing the situation] You guys never hang out with me. You never invite me to do stuff. But now you want me to be in a band with you because my grandma gave me a hundred dollars. Cartman: Craig, don't be an asshole. Craig: [turns right and walks past Cartman] I'll go get the money. [the boys grin. Stan and Kenny high-five each other.] Scene Description: South Park Mall, day, by the fountain. The five boys now gather in their costumes with their instruments. Cartman plays the siku, Stan and Kyle play charangos, Kenny plays on a home-made bombo while Craig has a new stringed instrument. Stan: All right guys, just like we rehearsed it. You ready Craig? All right, let's jam! Cartman: And a one, and a two, and a- [the boys launch into their rendition of "Mary Had A Little Lamb"] Man 1: Wow, that's such cultural music. Man 2: Very cultural, yes. Cartman: [as the men leave] Por favor, buy our CDs de musica. [in their briefcase are $10 CDs from their band, the Llama Brothers, "Tapas and Moonscapes". Man 1 whips out a fresh $10 bill and buys a CD] Kyle: Gracias. Woman 1: [walks by and stops to check out the CDs] How cultural. [buys one for herself] Kyle: This is awesome! Stan: Ya see, Craig? [another band starts up nearby and Stan steps forward for a better look. The boys look to their right] Cartman: Hey! Heyheyheyheyhey! [leads the other boys to the competing band] Stan: Hey, you guys can't play here. We were here first. [the other band ignores them and continues playing] Cartman: No trabajar aqui! Vaya! No pleya la musica en la promenade! No es bueno! Stan: This is our Peruvian flute band's turf, you got that?! [the other band looks at them for a few seconds, then resumes its music, its members grinning.] Kyle: God damn it! Cartman: No! No es bueno! [grabs the siku and throws it away. The band stops playing. The siku player looks at his empty hands and goes after the siku] Stan: Come on, guys. [the boys return to their spot and start playing again, but another band begins to play off to their left] Stan: Jesus Christ! Cartman: No, no es bueno! No trabajar aqui! Scene Description: U.S. Department of Homeland Security. Michael Chertoff: Ladies and gentlemen, our nation and our world is facing an economic and ecological crisis of disastrous proportions. I'm talking of course about Peruvian flute bands. [the audience members begin to talk amongst themselves. Chertoff activates the screen behind him, and a world map appears onscreen.] The red dots indicate where the highest concentrations of Peruvian flute bands are. All over the world, wherever there are tourists or shoppers, there are now, on average, 65 Peruvian flute bands per square kilometer. General? Chief aide: [walks into view before the screen] France, Japan, and the northeastern United States are currently the hardest hit. Make no mistake: [sticks an index finger up] this is a pan flute epidemic. Senator 1: A pan-demic? Michael Chertoff: Three countries in Asia and seven in Europe have already asked for our help in getting rid of their Peruvian flute bands. We will need every resource available to see this through. Senator 2: Excuse me, but... aid other countries? Michael Chertoff: Senator? Senator 2: With all due respect we need to be dealing with our own pan flute bands! Let other countries fend for themselves! Michael Chertoff: [starting soft and with rising voice, he leaves the podium and faces the senator] You heartless bastard! This country was founded on beliefs in freedom and integrity! And we will not sit back and do nothing while less fortunate countries are ravaged by Peruvian flute bands! Is that clear?! [the senator collapses back into his seat and begins to cry and Chertoff returns to the podium] As director of Homeland Security, I am taking control of the military until the crisis is contained. Scene Description: South Park Mall, day. The third Peruvian flute band continues to play and a woman stops by. She begins to dance. Some helicopters are heard and one appears over the crowd. Paratrooper:: Go, go! [all kinds of law enforcement and military vehicles rush in and surround the mall. Hazmat officers pour out of a Hazmat truck. Inside, the boys now play "Three Blind Mice". A woman stops by and buys a CD. The boys hear some commotion and look over: military troops surround the second band and subdue it] Cartman: Ha! [sticks his right middle finger up] Serves you right, assholes! [behind them the third band is subdued] Soldier 1: One more over here! [the boys are surrounded and subdued] Soldier 2: Let's go! Get 'em out! Soldier 3: Clear out, move! This is a Homeland Security operation, people, let's go! Stan: Hey, back off! Solider 3: Make sure all pan flute music CDs are contained! [Hazmat officers collect the CDs slowly, gingerly] Scene Description: Stan's house, day. Randy is in the living room taking more video of Sharon and Shelly while they sit on the sofa. Randy: There's Sharon and Shelly. They're watching some television. Wave to the camera, Shelly. [neither female responds to him] What are you watching, guys? Sharon: [irritated] The news. Randy: [draws even closer to her] Huh? Sharon: [irritated] We're watching the news. Randy: [turns the camera towards the TV] That's the TV in our living room, still showing commercials right now. [moves around to Shelly's side] What do you think about the television, Shelly? [Shelly remains quiet as Randy glances at the TV] Oh, the news is starting! [starts taking video of that] Scene Description: CNN Breaking News Anchorman Tom: The government efforts to stop the Peruvian flute band crisis are now in their third day. [Times Square in New York is shown, with more bands being arrested] In cities all over the world [a shot of St. Louis] flute bands have been removed and quarantined. [a shot of Seattle] But more may still be out there. Homeland Security's requesting that [a graphic appears that says pretty much the following] if you see a Peruvian flute band, do not approach it. Mark down the flute band's location, and do not, under any circumstances, buy their CDs. [the reporter reappears onscreen] The flute bands that have been contained are being taken to a quarantined area in Miami Scene Description: Peruvian Flute Band Internment Camp, brought to you by the Department of Homeland Security, in Miami. More Peruvian bands join the already large crowd of bands there. The boys are among them. Stan: Eh-excuse us. Hello? [spots a soldier in one of the watchtowers] Uh excuse me. Sir? Sir, there's been a misunderstanding. Can, can I talk to you for a minute? Kyle: Sir? Sir, can we talk to you for just a second? Guard: Get back! I'm not buying any of your damned CDs! Stan: No. Sir, there's been a biiig misunderstanding. We actually aren't a Peruvian- Guard: I said I'm not buying any God damned CDs today, you got that?! I'm sick of it! A musician: [walks into view] Señor? Comprar CD la musica? ["Sir? Do you want to buy our music CD?"] [" [the soldier kills him with a few blasts from his automatic rifle] Kenny: (Jesus Christ, he fucking shot that guy!) Scene Description: Peruvian Flute Band Internment Camp, that night. The Peruvian flute bands play, and trashcans have been set ablaze to keep them warm. The camera pans to the boys, who sit around a small campfire moping around Craig: "Hey, Craig. You know that money your grandma gave you for your birthday? How would you like to invest in a Peruvian flute band? You can double your money in one afternoon. Come on, Craig, don't be an asshole." [some alarms go off for a few seconds, then fall silent as Chertoff appears above the crowd with a blond translator to his left] Michael Chertoff: Attention Peruvian flute bands Translator: Atencione bandas de flauta Perú. Michael Chertoff: We appreciate your cooperation and patience. Translator: Cooperacion y peciencia es apreciado. Michael Chertoff: Tomorrow you will be boarding ships... Translator: Mañana sera el embarque de barcos... Michael Chertoff: ...which will take you to Guantanamo Bay. Translator: ...que la lleva a viajar Guantanimo. Michael Chertoff: There you will spend the rest of your lives. Translator: Donde pasar el resto de sus vidas. Gracias! [they turn and head inside. The Peruvian flute bands break up behind the boys and head back to their business] Kyle: Guantanamo Bay?! We can't go to Guantanamo Bay! Stan: Don't worry you guys. I'm sure our parents are freaking out right now trying to find us. Scene Description: The Marsh house. Craig's parents are seated on the sofa. Kyle's parents and Sharon are standing. Sharon: Please, Mr. and Mrs. Tucker, our boys were last seen hanging out with your son Craig. Do you have any idea where they could've gone? Laura: No, I'm telling you. This isn't like Craig at all. I'm really worried. Thomas: You've checked with the police? Gerald: Nobody know anything. It's li-it's like the boys just vanished! Sharon: None of the other kids have seen them since a- [notice Randy taping them] Randy, will you put that thing down?! What is wrong with you?! Our son is missing! Randy: Hey, I'm worried about him too, Sharon. Sharon: Well then stop being an idiot and help! Thomas: Maybe the boys all ran away. Were any of your boys upset about anything? Gerald: All we know is they were seen hanging out with Craig and now they're gone. Sheila: That's exactly why I told Kyle not to hang around that boy. Laura: What is that supposed to mean? Sharon: To be honest, Mrs. Tucker, we think Craig is bad influence on our boys. Laura: [quiet for a few seconds] Now wait just a minute! Sharon: I'm just saying that your son has some problems a- Thomas: Like every kid doesn't have some problems! Sheila: Obviously Craig has gotten them into some kind of trouble. Laura: Oh my God Thomas: This is ridiculous! Randy: [filming the argument] Ohhh this is good! Gerlad: That's not ridicul- Scene Description: Peruvian Flute Band Internment Camp, day. Michael Chertoff stands among some soldiers and DHS officials Soldier 4: Sir, good news! Looks like we did it. Every major city is reporting zero Peruvian flute bands. We got 'em all! [other soldiers cry out "All right! We did it!"] Michael Chertoff: Calm down people, we still have work to do! We have to take out the place these flute bands came from so they never come again! Official 1: We don't know where they came from, sir. We... we've been researching, but we... can't figure it out. Michael Chertoff: Well think about it, idiot! Where else would "Peruvian" flute bands come from? [everyone else mulls it over] Official 1: Hmm... Michael Chertoff: The country is in the name! Official 2: No. Sir, we checked the entire map. There isn't a country called Peruvian anywhere. Michael Chertoff: Not Peruvian, retards, Peru! It's right here! [points to the country on a world map] Official 3: Peh-roo. Michael Chertoff: Now I want a plan in place to take out Peru once and for all! Official 1: Is that really necessary, sir? It seems a little extreme. Soldier 2: Yeah. Michael Chertoff: Peruvian flute bands will never stop annoying us [pounds his right fist onto his left palm] unless they are stopped at the source! Chief aide: Sir, you'd better come quick. One of the pan flute bands was caught trying to escape. Michael Chertoff: [grabs Official 2 by his tie] See? [lets go and leaves] God damn it! [they higher officials walk out behind him] Scene Description: The interrogation room, moments later. Chertoff and his chief aide are grilling the boys, who are seated in a row behind a table. Two top officials stand out of the way nearby Michael Chertoff: [holds the CD the boys were carrying] The Llama Brothers: Tapas and Moodscapes. Stan: This is a mistake, sir, we aren't really a Peruvian flute band. Michael Chertoff: Right. You just play pan flute music at the mall and sell CDs of you with a llama, but you're not a Peruvian flute band. Stan: We... we- we're just kids, you know? We, we were just trying to make some money. Kyle: We just wanna go home. Kenny: (Sir, please, I'm supposed to get laid for the first time on Saturday.) Michael Chertoff: Which tourist location were they playing at? Chief aide: An outdoor mall in Colorado. Kyle: Look, we're from Colorado! We, we grew up in the United States. Stan: We we speak English! Cartman: And we're white. Michael Chertoff: Let me talk to you guys out here. [takes his chief aide and the two other officials into the observation room and closes the door.] Well what do you think? Chief aide: I don't know what to make of it sir. It's like nothing I've ever seen before. Clearly they are a Peruvian flute band and yet they... aren't. They play pan flute music like the others, but they talk and act like ...one of us. Michael Chertoff: I agree. They're obviously some kind of... hybrid. Official 1: A hybrid? Ah how is that possible? Chief aide: Perhaps a Peruvian flute band mated with one of our females. Who knows? Michael Chertoff: Well however they came to be, they're about the only piece of good luck we've had. [walks to the one-way window] Official 1: Sir? Michael Chertoff: If they are the hybrid we're talking about, [puts his left arm up high against the window and presses his head against that] then they could be our way of taking out Peru once and for all. Scene Description: The interrogation room. The boys wait for the officials to return Craig: Do you guys know why nobody else at school likes hanging out with you? [the other boys look at each other] Because you're always doing stuff like this. You're always coming up with some stupid idea to do something, and then it backfires, and then you end up in some foreign country, or in outer space or something. That's why no one likes hanging out with you guys. Cartman: You're being extremely negative, Craig. [Chertoff and the others return] Michael Chertoff: [approaches the boys] All right, here's the deal: Maybe you are on our side and maybe you aren't, but if you help us... we'll get you home. Stan: Help you how? Michael Chertoff: [walks around the table and the boys] You're able to walk amongst the Peruvian flute bands. They see you as one of them. We are going to send you to their Capital. Craig: Can we please just go home, sir? Michael Chertoff: [drops the CD onto the table] We still don't know whose side you're on! You do this, and we'll know! You leave for Peru in the morning. Kyle: No! No, I'm not going to Peru! Not Peru! [almost falls apart, but Stan grabs him and holds him in place] Stan: Kyle, calm down. Kyle: You know I can't go there, Stan! Stan: One of our friends was raped in Peru. It was very traumatic. [the officials look at each other] Michael Chertoff: You don't have a choice! Either you go to Peru, or you get locked up forever with the other flute bands. Scene Description: Peruvian Flute Band Internment Camp, Paruvian flute bands are crowded near the fence staring outside with one solder in front of the fence. Soldier 3: Thompson, can you come over here? [the translator from earlier walks up to him] The flute band players won't shut up about something and I can't understand them. Musician 2: ¡Por favor! ¡No podemos ir! ¡Estamos aquí para proteger a ustedes! ["Please! We cannot go! We're here to protect you!"] Musician 3: Sí. [Yes.] Other Musicians: Sí. No podemos ir. Si, protectores. ["Yes. We can't go. Yes, protectors."] Thompson: They're saying something like, "You can't send us away. We are the protectors." Soldier 3: Protectors from what? Musician 2: ¡La muerte peluda! ¡La muerte peluda! ["The furry death! The furry death!"] Soldier 3: What does that mean? Thompson: I think he said, "the furry death"? Musician 2: ¡La muerte peluda! ¡La muerte peluda! ["The furry death! The furry death!"] Scene Description: CNN Breaking News Announcer: [gruffly] This is CNN. Anchorman Tom: The last of the Peruvian flute bands have successfully been eradicated from every part of the world. Paul Harris is at the shopping promenade and Paul, pretty nice not having any Peruvian flute music there, I suspect. Paul Harris: Really welcome silence, Tom. There hasn't been a Peruvian pan flute band in sight for days now, and everyone is really enjoying the peace. The world can breathe a collective sigh of relief now as we thank the- [a low moan is heard and a heavy footfall shakes the ground. The camera looks around for the source of the shaking] What the?! [an explosion has the camera focus on the resulting burst of fire] Woman 2: [voice only] Oh my Gohhhd! Woman 3: [voice only] Ohmigod! [a police car flies through the air from the direction of the blast.] Paul Harris: Jesus Christ! [the police car lands between him and the water fountain upside down. Harris ducks down] Shopper: AAAAHHH!! [Harris gets up again and looks at the damage] Paul Harris: There's, there's something else here, it's... [the camera switches to the police car again] It's not a Peruvian flute band, it's a... Oh my God what is that thing?! [points to the sky, but the camera doesn't follow it] Anchorman Tom: Paul Paul, what do you see? Paul Harris: It's furry! It's very furry! [the transmission flickers, then fades out] Anchorman Tom: Okay obviously something different has uh shown up a-... Did he say "furry"? [instantly another heavy footfall rattles the CNN newsroom and shorts out several monitors. Reporters and other worker scatter around] Okay uh we're we're experiencing some uh- [a second footfall shuts down the newsroom entirely and tilts the camera one way, but it's still airing. A third footfall tilts the camera in another direction and the roof is peeled back. A shaft of light strikes Tom's head as he looks up into the night] My God what is that thing?! [a fourth footfall tilts the camera down and in still another direction. Tom is lifted into the air...] AAAHHH!! [...and the camera finally stops transmitting, leaving behind an image of static, then nothing.] Scene Description: The sky, night. A military airplane take to the air. Inside, the four boys sit on chairs in one side of the cabin. The pilot peeks in and then walks towards them. Pilot: All right, we're about 800 kilometers from Peru. There'll be a truck to take you inside the border where you're briefed on mission specifics. [walks backwards into the cockpit and closes the door. The boys say nothing for a while] Craig: Was there ever a moment when you guys first came up with the genius plan to become a Peruvian flute band that any of you said "Hey, you know? This plan might backfire." [no answer] No, that never occurred to you. Because you guys are jerks, and you never learn from your mistakes, and that's why everyone at school thinks you guys are assholes. Kyle: That's not true. Kids at school like us. Don't they? Stan: Yeah dude, kids at school totally like us. Craig is just being a dick because we're having a tough time right now. Craig: [testing] I'm being a dick? Stan: [firmly] Yes! Craig: You guys took my birthday money, got me arrested and sent to Miami with no way home except to take down the country of Peru, and I'm being a dick? Cartman: There's no talking to this guy. Stan: All right, fine, Craig. When we get back home we'll get you your money back, and we'll never talk to you again. How's that? Craig: That would be great. Thank you. Kyle: This is wrong. Uh this just doesn't make any sense. Why would Homeland Security send us into Peru? Kenny: (Because they're trying to take over the world?) Kyle: Ah, I don't know, it just feels like... there's got to be something else going on here. Scene Description: Stan's house, night. Sharon is talking to someone on the phone Sharon: Please, I don't know where else to turn. The police haven't been any help, ugheh, I think our boys might really be in trouble this time. Yes. Yes. Please, check and call me right back. Thank you. [*click*She notices that Randy videotaped the call] Randy I swear to God if you don't put that thing away...! Randy: Sharon, you're gonna be really glad I have all this footage of the family someday. Sharon: [the scene continues with Randy's POV] I mean it Randy that's enough!! You don't have to videotape every single-!! [a low moan is heard. She stops and looks around, getting more afraid with each moan] Randy: What the hell was that? [a heavy footfall shorts out the house] Sharon: Oh my God. Randy: Something's going on outside! Stay, stay here! [turns around and runs out] Shelly: [coming down the stairs] What's going on, Dad? [Randy wheels around to see her] Randy: Get back to your room, Shelly! [turns around and goes to the front door. He opens it and sees people running all over the street in a panic, He then points his camera at some helicopters overhead] Scene Description: On the street. Randy steps out of the house and runs into Mr. Garrison. Randy: What's going on? Mr. Garrison: They're all over the place! Randy: What are?! Mr. Garrison: They're really furry! [runs off. Randy joins the others out on the street. He hears someone above him and points the camera to catch a man falling from the sky. A chunk of his body has been bitten off, exposing ribs on the right side] Randy: What did that?! [moves his camera off the body and sees more people running. A giant guinea pig appears among the panicked residents] What is that thing?! [someone taps him from behind and he turns around to see who it is. Officer Barbrady appears on camera] Officer Barbrady: Mr. Marsh, you have to move! It isn't safe to be here! [a house blows up and Randy starts running, his camera aimed at his feet. He aims his camera forward again and sees people rounding the corner and running his way. Linda Stotch is one of them.] Linda: AAAAAAAAH!! [Two heavy footfalls follow and a car flies through the air from left to right. Another giant guinea pig walks along the crossroad towards the mangled car] Randy: Oh my Gohhhd! Stephen: [getting Randy's attention] Go go go go back the other way! [Randy runs back along the street, the camera again aimed at his feet. He stops and aims the camera at himself] Randy: [out of breath] Oho, oh God, oh God, oh God. [pants] Oh God. [pants] I'm [pants] I'm so [pants] Startled. A Woman: [voice only] Oh my Gohhhd! [Randy stops panting and looks to his left.] Randy: HAAA! [A growl is heard and all of a sudden his camera goes dark.] Scene Description: The Department of Homeland Security Headquarters. Michael Chertoff is back in the auditorium looking at the world map. Chief aide: [entering] Sir? We've got a bigger problem. Michael Chertoff: [smiles knowingly] Oh? And what might that be? Chief aide: New reports are coming in from cities all over the world. Word of massive destruction and death by what ap-pear to be... [Chertoff turns around and smiles at him] Michael Chertoff: [hiding a folder behind his back] Guinea pigs? Chief aide: [softly] Yes sir. How did you know? Michael Chertoff: You were so close to figuring it all out, Davis, did you know that? Davis: Sir? Michael Chertoff: I really thought you had me in Miami, but you just couldn't quite put the pieces together. Davis: You... You... knew this was going to happen. Michael Chertoff: Oh, this is only the beginning, Davis, and I can't let you interfere. [his face becomes monstrous. His tongue shoots out and stabs Davis in the right eye. Davis goes into convulsions for a long time, but finally dies. Chertoff releases his tongue's grip and it goes back into his mouth] Sorry my friend, but I've worked too hard to make all this happen. The pan flute bands are on their way to their deaths, the guinea pigs are rising, and the only person who could have stopped all this... is on his way to the middle of nowhere. [he looks at the folder he had behind his back. Attached to it is a picture... of Craig]

Scene Description: Some recaps of last week's episode. Randy filming scared residents running by, a cameraman filming a police car being thrown into South Park Mall Scene Description: YOU ARE NOT MEANT TO SEE Shelly: What's going on, Dad? [cut to the fallen man with a chunk of flesh missing from his left side] Officer Barbrady: Mr. Marsh you have to move! It isn't- [cut to the power going out at CNN, then to an explosion, then to people running away from something, then the giant guinea pigs appearing, then to Linda Stotch panicking and running, then to a second car flying across an intersection, then to Randy looking into his camera] Randy: [out of breath] Oh God. [pants] I'm- [pants] I'm so- [pants] Startled. [the camera cuts out on him] ARRRGH! Scene Description: PANDEMIC 2THE STARTLING Scene Description: A picture of Craig appears as a Peruvian pan flute version of "Three Blind Mice" plays in the background Craig: My name is Craig Tucker. Last week was my birthday. [a picture of him, his family, and a grandmother standing behind a cake. Ten candles are on the cake. Balloons are all around and a "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" banner is above them] My Grandma gave me a check for a hundred dollars. [a picture of that is shown] I was sooo happy. But then, four kids from school came to my house [a shot of the four boys in Craig's living room] and said I should use my hundred dollars to invest in becoming a Peruvian flute band. [a shot of the newly-formed band, the Llama Brothers] They promised I would double my money in one afternoon. [soldiers swoop in and apprehend them] But the government arrested us along with all the other Peruvian flute bands and took us to an internment camp in Miami. [the camp is shown, followed by the five boys sitting in the interrogation room] We begged to go home, but instead the government told us they were sending us to Peru. [a shot of a DHS cargo plane with the boys sitting on the ground near it.] And so that is now why I'm in Peru. If I die, let it be known that it is because four guys I don't even like from school lied to me and took my birthday money. [he sits on one suitcase, Kenny on another. The whole group is in a mountainous region of Peru] Stan: We didn't lie, Craig, it was a sweet idea! Kyle: Yeah. How are we supposed to know that pan flute bands would be outlawed? Cpt. Taylor: I don't get it. They said the military would meet us here. Cpt. Gabriel: This is where they told us to land. Can you get through to Washington? Cpt. Taylor: I'm trying. [...and gets through] A Voice: This is Connor in Washington. Cpt. Taylor: Hey, Connor, the place that Homeland Security told us to start the operation, there, there's nobody here to meet us. It's like they sent us to no man's land. Connor: Jesus they're everywhere! Cpt. Taylor: What are everywhere? Connor: ...so furry! They're attacking... every city... ha- people dying... Ha-... guinea pigs... all over! Agh. Stan: Guinea pigs? Connor: Can't stop them! Need to get... out... ergh. I just ate... a peanut... Agh peanut now stuck... in throat... Urgh shouldn't eat peanut... when scared. [a few more groans and communication is cut] Scene Description: A camera is restarted. Home furnishings are shown Randy: I've got the video camera. Got it turned on again. [points it to himself] Okay. This is... Randy Marsh... I'm shooting this video of myself. Twenty minutes ago some... huge creatures attacked our town... Still chaos out the window... [aims it at the living room windows, through which you still see people running around in panic, then aims it at himself again] I barely made it back to the house. Sharon is here with me, [moves the camera just enough to show Sharon] and there's Shelly. [Sharon is protecting her somewhat] Wave to the camera, Shelly. Sharon: Randy, will you put down that camera? We need to figure out what to do. Randy: I don't know what to do. I'm so startled. Sharon: [stands up] We have to see what the news is saying. [walks over to the TV and turns it on. A shot of New York City appears.] Reporter: [off camera] This is a shot of New York City where the... giant guinea pigs have also attacked. Sharon: Guinea pigs? Reporter: Reports of attacks are coming in from major cities all over the world. Randy: Jesus, this thing is worldwide? [two giant guinea pigs suddenly come into view. The camera moves to a group of soldiers firing at a third guinea pig.] Sharon: Look at that thing! Randy, what are we gonna do? [Randy focuses the camera on her. A loud thump is heard, knocking Randy off balance. He regains it and makes sure Sharon and Shelly are fine, then turns to the source of a growl: a giant guinea pig has broken through a wall and is now looking at the family] Randy: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my Gohhhd! Sharon: Go Randy, run! [Sharon takes Shelly out the front door. Randy follows them] Randy: Gotta get out! Scene Description: The Peruvian jungle high up in the Andes. The group is still in the makeshift landing strip. Cpt. Taylor is still trying to get a connection through the plane's radio, which is next to him outside Cpt. Taylor: Michaels, Harrison, anybody? [no response] Nothing. LSAT is down and no answer at RCU. Whatever is going on out there is huge. Stan: [steps forward] Ah all right, just let me get this straight: the head of Homeland Security ordered you to fly us, five kids, to Peru, but had you land way up in the Andes Mountains of Peru so that other government people could meet us and then... somehow tell us how to go to the capital of Peru, way over in Lima, and take down their government. Cpt. Taylor: ...Yes, that was the order. Kyle: And that makes sense to you? Cpt. Taylor: Nope, not at all. Cpt. Gabriel: Actually, the whole rounding up of the pan flute bands didn't make sense to any of us either. Stan: None of what that Homeland Security guy does make sense, so could you just fly us home, please?! Cpt. Taylor: You don't understand. The plan was to have a refueling truck meet us here. We don't have enough gas to fly any place. Craig: Oh, that's awesome. Kyle: So we've gotta find another way out of here. Cpt. Taylor: It's starting to look that way, yeah. Scene Description: The Peruvian jungle, later. The two pilots lead the boys through it. Craig: This is fun. Let's walk for miles through a spooky jungle. It just keeps getting better and better. Cartman: You know what, we're getting pretty sick of your attitude, Craig. Kenny: (Yeah!) Cartman: Nobody likes hanging out with people who complain all the time. Cpt. Gabriel: Look at that: no lights on, nothing. It's like, humans have never been to this part of Peru. [the camera zooms out and at least eight giant burrowing holes appear before them.] Scene Description: U.S. Department of Homeland Security, strategic room. Chertoff looks at a map as an official briefs him on the current situation Top Official: More guinea pigs seem to be moving in from all directions. We checked on Wikipedia and found out that guinea pigs are from the Andes Mountains, here. [points to the mountains] Michael Chertoff: What about the pan flute bands? Are they on their way to Guantanamo Bay? Official 1: ...Sir, we believe we have bigger problems right now than pan flute bands. Michael Chertoff: Have they been loaded onto the boats or not?! Official 2: No sir. We diverted all the resources away from the pan flute bands to deal with the guinea pigs. Michael Chertoff: That was an order! [pounds both fists into the map table.] The pan flute bands were to be put on boats to Guantanamo last night! [pounds both fists into the map table again.] I am still in charge here! I want those pan flute bands on the boats to Guantanamo! Soldier 4: Yes sir. I don't see why you have to yell at people. [turns around and walks out sobbing] Scene Description: South Park, night. Randy's got his camera rolling. Sharon and Shelly stand behind a door so they are not seen from the street. Randy: Hey we're down in... Main Street now and... [a tank rolls by] Wah? Oh, ohh, look at that. [the tank fires a cannon, but the giant guinea pig is unaffected by it.] Ohhh! Sharon: [whispering] Where do we go, Randy? Randy: We've got to get out of town. Go through that way. [points, and Sharon takes Shelly out the door and to the left. Randy follows them, but something catches his eye: a giant guinea pig is chewing a man's left arm off. The man is trying to get away by holding on to a light post with his right hand.] Man: Geow, my arm! MY ARM! [the guinea pig pulls him away from the light post and dangles him] Randy: Oh Jesus! Sharon: Randy, run! [the man falls to the ground as the rest of his arm is bitten off. Randy runs] Randy: [the camera is aimed at his feet again] Okay. We're running now. [aims the camera at Sharon and Shelly before him] There's Sharon and Shelly running. Wave to the camera, Shelly! Shelly: [glances back] Dad! [Randy moves the camera around to catch another mauling, then aims it back at Sharon and Shelly] Randy: [Sound of a explosion is heard. Randy points the camera to it and sees a giant guinea pig which starts moving towards him] Ahhh! [Before them is an empty bus with an open door] In there, in there! [Sharon and Shelly go on up the steps and into the bus. Randy follows them in] Oh God, oh God I'm so startled. Are you startled, Sharon? Sharon: Randy, put down that c-! [something big crashes into the bus. Randy gets his bearings and he sees a giant guinea pig outside the bus looking in] Shelly: It's gonna kill us! Sharon: [soothing her down] Just stay down, Shelly. It can't come in here. [another guinea pig jostles the bus] Randy: Hold on, hold on, I need to get a shot of it from outside. [runs down the aisle and outside] Sharon: Randy? Where are you going? [Randy stops a moment and then continues, moving away from the bus. He stops and aims his camera at the bus. Two giant guinea pigs climb up to the roof] Randy: Here we see a view from outside the bus. Sharon: Randy! [Randy runs back into the bus and towards his girls] What the hell are you doing? Randy: I got a... really good shot of it, Sharon. [another jostle follows and the camera shuts off again] Scene Description: The Peruvian jungle. The pilots and the boys continue walking. Cpt. Gabriel tries to navigate the jungle using a map of Peru Cpt. Gabriel: I don't know, Lemsky. This entire area of Peru isn't even charted on the maps. Cpt. Taylor: This whole valley is strange. Just look at the size of that fruit. [they pass by gianr fruit] Ain't that a peach? And how do you like them apples? Cpt. Gabriel: Take a look at this! They look like... beehive combs. Cpt. Taylor: Oh my God. Stan: Dude, what is this place? Cpt. Taylor: It's like... an unknown valley that time forgot, where everything grows huge. Craig: That's a shock. I decided to follow you guys, and now I'm in the land of the giants lost world. Stan: [turns right and walks towards Craig] Craig, it isn't our fault! You make it sound like we always wanna be in situations like this but we don't have any choice! Kyle: Yeah. Stuff just happens. Craig: Stuff just happens. Kyle: That's right! Craig: You just wind up being sent by the government to take down the city of Lima only to wind up in the land of the giants lost world. Cartman: That's right. Craig: You know when stuff happens to most kids? They fall off their bikes. They get in fights with their parents. They get swindled out of their birthday money. Cpt. Taylor: Look, wherever we are, I think we'd better keep moving. Kenny: [suddenly points] (Hey, look out!) [some brown saliva lands on Cpt. Gabriel's right shoulder, then he's chomped up, then Cpt. Taylor is chomped up too. One of Cpt. Gabriel's arms falls back to the ground. Boys start running where they came for] Cpt. Taylor: Ohhh stop it, make it stohhhp! Scene Description: Somewhere in South Park, night. Randy starts his camera up again and begins filming Randy: All right, all right. Here's Sharon and Shelly on the roof of Best Buy. We, we run up here to get off the streets. We found the Stotch family hiding up here also. There's Chris and Linda, and their son Butters. Butters: Hello, heh. Linda: What is that? Chris, what is that? Randy: That's a that's a, that's a new sound. [the sound of bees gets louder and louder as Randy moves his camera around] Stephen: Oh God look! Sharon: Those aren't guinea pigs. Stephen: Get off the roof! [the group quickly heads for the stairs.] Randy: Go! Go go go go go! [the group goes down the stairs and Randy closes the roof door behind him.] Oho, Oh God, we're going down the stairs now. Okay, getting downstairs. [they reach Best Buy's main floor. As they go towards the entrance two televisions on the television aisle show a news report] An Anchorman: And we are now getting word of giant bees. The giant bees have been seen in the U.S. and Europe. Randy: Oh no! Oho oho. [they exit the store] Townsman 1: Get away, there's bees everywhere! [The group runs across the parking lot with everyone else] There's another one right there! [Randy looks to his right with his camera and a giant guinea bee stands there not doing much.] Randy: Oh, my god!! [Another bee appears in front of him, and to his left, a man is on the ground with a giant stinger stuck into his chest.] Townsman 2: It stung me! It stung me! [Randy looks behind now, seeing the Best Buy store and a giant guinea bee. He keeps running.] Randy: Whoa, that startled me! That was really startling! Scene Description: The Andes jungle. The boys are left to their own devices, so they continue walking Kyle: Um I think we're just heading deeper into the mountains. Cartman: Yeah, maybe we should start heading that way. [points to his left] Kenny: (I think we're fucked!) Kyle: Hey, hey, look at this. [points to his right. The other boys look. A small temple is shown with two statues, one on either side of the entrance. The boys approach it] Cartman: What is it? Kyle: I don't know. It's old. Stan: Let's see what's in there. Craig: "Let's see what's in there." That's why you guys get into these situations. Because when you come across a spooky, ancient ruin, you say "Let's see what's in there." Stan: It might be a way out, Craig! Cartman: Yeah, Mr. Complainy Pants! [the boys enter] Scene Description: Inside the temple. Stan lights the way with the torch Kyle: Whoa, I don't think anyone's been in here for centuries Kenny: (Yeah. Totally.) Stan: You guys, look at this. [the others go to the wall Stan is looking at] It's a wall of ancient drawings. [first drawing is a group of four men playing instruments] Kyle: Dude, it's a Peruvian flute band. Stan: I know, a-and look. [second drawing is the flute band playing music, which is driving away two giant guinea pigs] Cartman: Looks like the... pan flute music is driving away giant... guinea pigs? Kyle: Oh no way! Look! [a flute band is shown behind bars] The pan flute band's put in prison, just like what happened. [the boys look up and to the right] Stan: And then the guinea pigs killing people. [they look a little lower] And then... [a boy holds a staff against a giant guinea pig] Cartman: Dude, it's Craig! Craig: What? Kyle: That is Craig. [Craig comes forward to look for himself. The other boys back away] Stan: Dude, Craig, what's goin' on? Craig: I have no idea. Cartman: Well do you mind tellin' us what you're doing on an ancient Incan wall, Craig? Craig: I don't know. Scene Description: U.S. Department of Homeland Security, strategic room. Chertoff sits behind the table with his staff and some soldiers looking on Top Official: There is now word of huge beehives forming in cities across the U.S. and Canada. Europe and China are reporting deaths by guinea pigs in the tens of thousands. Michael Chertoff: And how are the efforts to contain all this going? Official 3: [steps forward] It's bad, sir. It seems we have no way of stopping it; we've lost complete control. [Chertoff laughs maniacally] Top Official: Uh, sir? Michael Chertoff: Ah I'm sorry, I just thought of a funny joke. Official 1: Oh, a-hah. Michael Chertoff: All right, get the jets ready. I need to get to Machu Picchu. Soldier:: Uh, Machu Picchu, sir? Michael Chertoff: Yes, I need to be taken to Machu Picchu! Have you lost your hearing?! Official 1: But S-sir, what could possibly be at Machu Picchu to help the- Michael Chertoff: Am I in charge or not?! [silences them all] Scene Description: Inside a supermarket in South Park. Randy prepares his camera again Randy: We're in the [pants] grocery store now. Some of the survivors here uh. Sharon: Can we get out through the highway? Soldier 5: The highway is unreachable; there's guinea rats all over it. Mr. Garrison: Guinea rats? Randy: [almost hyperventilating] I'm so startled. Mr. Garrison: What do you mean "guinea rats"? Soldier 5: Look, there are guinea pigs, but there's also guinea bees, guinea rats. I've even seen some guinea spiders out there. Sharon: Randy, will you stop doing that?! [Randy continues to film her, then jumps to the next speaker, then the next one...] Stephen: Look, I, I think we need to find a way out under the city. Mr. Garrison: In the sewers? Can't be safe down there. Randy: [walks away with the camera, rather scared] Oh God, what are we gonna dooo? A Woman: Oh my God! Townsman 3: Something's inside the store! Townsman 4: Guinea rabbits! They're inside! [facing him is a guinea pig in a blue rabbit outfit] Townsman 5: God they're everywhere! Townsman 6: Help me! [Randy finds out who's screaming for help] Help... me... [it's a man who's practically been bitten in half] Townswoman 1: Travis! No! Randy: You can't help him! Stephen: There's something over there! Townsman 7: It's a guinea bear! Randy: No, it's a guinea mouse, stupid! [he lowers the camera as he runs, then raises it again to focus on a woman] Townswoman 2: Kill me! Sharon: Randy, the storeroom, we've gotta get to the storeroom! [he follows the survivors into the storeroom, and the door closes behind them a few seconds later. There is no light in the room] Shelly: Mom, I can't see. Randy: It's okay, Shelly. Daddy's gonna turn on night vision. [night vision mode is on] There. There. Okay. Gaaah! [the others gasp] Sharon: What what what what? Randy: Nothing, sorry. I just startled myself. Gaaah! [camera out] Scene Description: Stan is still guiding the others through the Incan temple, and the sound of running water is soon heard Stan: Let's head over this way, guys. Kyle: Hear that? It sounds like water. Cartman: Yeah, it's coming from up there. Stan: Wow. [they find themselves in a massive complex full of statues whose mouths or noses serve as waterfall fountains. Several suspension bridges connect the mouth of the statue they're in to the other statues] Cartman: Dude, that's awesome. Stan: All right, let's go. [Craig doesn't move] Craig: No. Stan: Wait, whattaya mean no? Craig: I'm not following you guys any more. Stan: Dude, we we have to go check this out. Craig: Why? Stan: 'Cause just, that, that's just the way it is. Craig: Every time bad things happen, you guys end up putting yourselves deeper into the middle of it, because "that's just the way it is." Stan: Hey, we aren't the ones on an ancient temple prophecy wall, buttwipe! Craig: I don't care. I've decided that I'm done. I am choosing not to be a part of this anymore. Kyle: How do you do that? Craig: It's easy. Watch. [turns around and walks back out the way they came in. He makes his way back to the temple's entrance, and the boys follow him] Stan: Craig, dude, wait up. Cartman: [Craig leads the boys across the Nazca Plateau] Dude, Craig, we should go back now. Craig: No. Stan: [Craig leads them across an open field] Hey look, there's something here. Craig: ...Nope. Cartman: [the boys walk through a thunderstorm] Dude, this is boring. This is just a bunch of walking around. Craig: Yup, nice and boring. Just the way I like it. Scene Description: South Park. Randy turns his camera on again Randy: It's been three days now since the guinea pigs and the guinea bees attacked. Guinea rabbits are still everywhere, along with a few guinea panthers. We've taken shelter at the Outback Steakhouse. There's Sharon and Shelly. Say "hey" guys. Shelly: What is that? What is that? [Sharon holds her close] Randy: I'm gon-, I'm gonna take a look outside! [gets up with his camera and heads outside] Scene Description: Outside Outback Steakhouse. Randy runs into a fleeing couple Randy: What is it? Husband: It's a Guineasaurus Rex! [Randy turns around and sees the G. Rex next to P.F. Chang. It's much bigger than other guinea creatures: about 30 feet high at the shoulder. Everyone near it scatters. Randy zooms in on the car it seems to be eating from and sees a dead couple there. The woman's body is halfway out the car through the windshield. The man's body is halfway out through the passenger door. The alarm has gone off.] Shelly: Oh my Gohhhd! Randy: Oh no, I'm way too startled! Sharon: [points up to the sky] Look! [three jet fighters swoop in from somewhere and fire missiles at the G. Rex, but it remains unscathed] Randy: Jesus, they can't kill it! [turns his camera to Shelly] What do you think about the Guineasaurus Rex, Shelly? [she's scared, but moves closer to the street to get a better look. This puts her in the same frame as the G. Rex] Oh that's good. There, there's Shelly with the Guineasaurus Rex in the background. Give, give a little peace sign, Shelly. [Shelly turns around frozen in fear] Oh I know, hold out your palm so it looks like you're holding the Guineasaurus Rex. Shelly? Sharon: Randy?! I have had it! You are putting down that God damned camera! Randy: Sharon, you're gonna be really glad we have all this footage of the family someday. [she rears back and smacks the camera out of his hand] Scene Description: Machu Picchu, night. Chertoff arrives with his staff at the site in a military helicopter Michael Chertoff: Wait here a minute. [nearby a huge golden Incan idol holds a stick and a pan flute. Chertoff approaches it and opens his arms] Behold! I am standing on your precious land! I've waited a long time for this! [unzips his pants and urinates on the statue, mocking it with laughter] Soldier 6: What's he doing? Michael Chertoff: What of your prophecy now?! Nothing can stop me! [there's some sound to his left and he turns to see what it is. It's Craig climbing over a wall and dusting himself off. Chertoff approaches him in anger] Craiiig! [the other four boys appear behind Craig] No! How did you get here?! Cartman: Hey, it's that asshole who sent us to the jungle with nobody to pick us up! Soldier 6: Sir, ih-is everything all right? Michael Chertoff: Shoot them! Soldier 7: Shoot them? Michael Chertoff: They're a Peruvian band that escaped. We must keep them contained. Stan: No no, listen to me. The Peruvian flute bands were keeping the guinea creatures away. Whatever is happening to the world is happening because you guys got rid of all the flute bands. Michael Chertoff: I said shoot them! Kyle: Go look! It's all an ancient Incan prophecy. Top Official: Maybe we should look at it, sir. Michael Chertoff: Damn you Craiiig! You just don't ever stop, do you?! Craig: I didn't say anything. Michael Chertoff: [begins his speech] You see, for thousands of years horrid creatures have lived in the Guinea Valley of Peru. The Incas learned how to keep the creatures at bay: by playing pan flute music. Guinea creatures hate it even more than humans do. But the prophecy foretold that one day the creatures would be unleashed and I have made that happen! The Incas predicted the world would be saved... by Craig. But that part of the prophecy will not come true! For you will all die on this mountain! [one of the soldiers fires his rifle and the bullets pierce through Chertoff's chest, leaving a large hole. Chertoff looks at the hole and cackles] Top Official: You're, you're some kind of monster. Michael Chertoff: [ominously] Oh, I'm much more than that. Guinea bees, guinea rabbits, guineasaurus rexes, I am something much more evil! [he begins to transform. His mouth becomes a round orifice with a few teeth inside, then into a horrible beast with many teeth in his mouth and a pirate costume on his body, and finally, a giant guinea pirate] Arrrgh. Top Official: Guinea pirate! [dives into the bushes] Stan: Jesus Christ! Craig: Sir, I promise you, I'm not going to ruin your plans. I'll just walk away. See? [walks onto a square with a pattern on it. The circle in the center of the pattern lights up and begins to rotate up and out. Two stone slabs jut out from the pillar. The golden idol's eyes light up. A beam of light goes from the idol's staff to one of the slabs, and two beams of lightning come out of Craig's eyes and strike the guinea pirate] Michael Chertoff: Dargh, no! Craig: Okay, now there's sparks shooting out of my eyes. Michael Chertoff:: Argh, curse ye, Craig. Dar, argh. [the guinea pirate falls on its back and the beams turn off. The slabs go back into the pillar and the pillar rotates back into the ground. The four boys approach Craig, stunned at what just happened. Craig lets out a big sigh of relief] Scene Description: A picture of Craig is shown, and Gery Numan's "Cars" is playing in pan flute format Craig: My name is Craig Tucker. Last week I stopped a guinea pirate from taking over the earth. All the Peruvian flute bands were released, [a shot of that is shown; happy pan flute musicians] and drove the guinea creatures back to the Andes mountains. [shots from all over are shown, specifically South Park and New York City: pan flute bands are driving the guinea creatures away] Many people had died, but mankind had prevailed. [shots of the cleanup are shown. The Marshes are among the rescued] All over the world, survivors were found, living witnesses to the horror that had been seen. Randy: [trying to show a video clip to two firemen] Here here, look, look! [there's no picture] What the? [opens the camera to check it out] Oh- ohhh I didn't have a tape in it. [someone else took a picture of that, though] Craig: The guinea pirate lived, but was taken to prison to live out the rest of his days. [the guinea pirate is taken to the Washington D.C. State Penitentiary strapped down to a flatbed truck. Next, a shot of Paris is shown: a Peruvian flute band plays at the Champs Elysées] And people all over the world learned to support their local Peruvian flute bands, and buy their CDs. For they protect us from the guinea creatures. As for me, I was returned home by Homeland Security. [Top Official 1 and Official 3 drop him off and smile at the joyful parents] My parents were sooo happy. [a shot of Craig looking at himself in the mirror, reflecting on the events surrounding his trip to Peru] I realized that we don't always have control over what happens to us. [a shot of Craig in bed, just after bedtime] We are but players on the stage of life. And I also learned to never listen when people come asking you for money. [a shot of the boys dressed as Mariachis standing at Craig's front porch talking to him; he slams the door in their faces.] Scene Description: Craig's front yard. The boys walk away all pissed off Cartman: That guy's an asshole! Kyle: Yeah, what a dick! Kenny: (I fuckin' hate Craig!) Scene Description: Department of Homeland Security, days later. A new director has taken over and is seated behind a solid wooden desk Top Official 2: [enters the office without warning] Sir! Sir, we have a problem! New Director: What now?! Top Official 2: The former director of Homeland Security, that turned out to be a guinea pig? It attacked the guards, got out of its holding cell. New Director: My God, are you telling me..? Top Official 2: Yes sir. It broke out of prison. [heavy footfalls are felt throughout Washington D.C. Car alarms go off, people scream, and a large guinea pig in striped prison uniform appears. The camera shuts off.]

Scene Description: Chicago, night. Barack Obama stands behind a podium facing two TelePrompTers, two glass walls, and a crowd of supporters. He has just won the Presidency. Obama: If there is anyone out there tonight who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible, who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time, who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer. [a cheer goes up in the audience] Scene Description: The Marsh house. Randy jumps for joy while his family, including Grandpa Marsh, sits on the sofa behind him. Another couple stands behind the sofa. Gerald and Sheila sit on a second sofa. Randy and Gerald wear Obama shirts Randy: Yyeeaahh!!!! [pumps his beer can up and down a couple of times] Obama! [runs around] WOOOOO! We did it! We F'in' did it! Gerald: [stands up] Yyeeaahh!!!! Obama: It's been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this date in this election at this defining moment, change has come to America. Randy: Yyeeaahh!!!! Yeah Obama! Chaaange! It's, it's chaaange! Obama: Sasha and Malia, I love you both more than you can imagine, and you have earned the new puppy that's coming with us to the White House. We will name him "Sparkles". Randy: [kneels before the TV] He's so awesome! [runs his hand over the screen a few times] He's so perfect and awesome! Obama: Where we are met with cynicism, and doubt, and those who tell us that we can't, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people: Yes We Can. Supporters: [in Chicago] Yes we can! Randy: Yes I can! Yes I can! [the others watch him run out of the house] Scene Description: Outside the Marsh house. Randy opens the door and proclaims Randy: Here comes the change everybody! WOOO! [people nearby gather around the front steps] Mr. Harris: Did you see? Our man is in! [among the gathering crowd are Mr. Adler and the Blacks.] Mrs. Harris: We did it! Mr. Adler: Everything is going to be awesome now! Randy: This is the greatest day of our lives! Yes we can! Linda Black: I don't even know what to do now. Randy: I know what to do! [steps into the street and cups his hands on his cheeks so as to amplify his voice] Losers! Looosers! Scene Description: The Stotch house, living room. A "Go McCain" banner hangs over the sofa. Mr. Garrison sits on a chair, Stephen and Linda sit on the sofa with Mr. Mackey, Principal Victoria and her boyfriend sit on two chairs in front of Mr. Mackey. Most everyone there is wearing a McCain/Palin shirt or sweater Crowd: [outside] Looosers! Looosers! Stephen: Oh, shut up! Crowd: Looosers! Butters: We lost? McCain: [giving his concession speech] It is natural. It's natural tonight to feel some disappointment. We fought as hard as we could, and though we fell short, the failure is mine, not yours. Supporters: No no! Noo nooo! Butters: Aw, poor ol' John McCain. Well he looks real sad. Stephen: [gets up and walks to the TV] No. No, this can't happen! No! [kicks the TV screen, causing it to short and shatter] Linda: Stephen! Stephen: It's all over, Linda! The country as we know it is about to change. We're all dead. Linda: You don't know that, Stephen! Mr. Mackey: With an inexperienced man as President, we do know it! He is right! Game over, man! Okay?! Mr. Garrison: We'll probably be dead by sunrise! Stephen: Butters, Daddy loves you. Just remember that... he always loved youuu... [someone pounds on the door. Stephen and Butters look over and the door opens. It's Randy] Randy: WOOOO Obama! Mr. Garrison: Get out o'here! Scene Description: The Marsh house. It's quiet there now. The doorbell rings and Stan answers it. He sees Kyle and Ike on the landing Kyle: Dude, have you seen my parents? [Ike begins to cry] Stan: No, everyone is out partying in the streets. What's wrong with your brother? Kyle: He was a McCain supporter. [Ike cries harder] It's okay, Ike. Obama will do fine. Scene Description: Chicago, Obama headquarters. It's 1:10 am and Obama steps through some double doors. The press awaits him. Reporter 1: Uh Mr. President, over here! Reporter 2: Congratulations! Reporter 3: Great start, great job! Reporter 4: Change! Reporter 5: Great job, Mr. President! Reporter 6: Great job, Obama! Obama: Thank you all for your support. If you don't mind, I'm gonna spend the rest of the evening getting some much needed rest. [steps through double doors at the other end of the hall and closes them behind him. A man walks out of the shadows as Obama turns away from the doors] Senator McCain. McCain: President Obama. [the two men step up and face each other, then start to giggle, then roar with laughter. They give each other a high-five and a low-five.] McCain, Obama: Boom, baby! Obama: Ohoh man that was perfect! [works on removing his jacket] McCain: [pulls out a cell phone and starts calling someone] I almost thought we were gonna tie for a minute there. That would have screwed us. Obama: You played it perfectly, there was no way. McCain: It's McCain, we did it! Obama is President. Davis: Yeah, so I've heard. You guys are out of your freakin' minds, you know that? McCain: Yes, we do. Assemble the rest of the team: we've only got ten hours. Davis: Sure. Hard part's over, right? McCain: Actually, the hard part's just starting. Scene Description: The streets of South Park. Two men set up a "Obama for President 2008" banner over the roof of a house. Down below are posters and banners for Obama plastered all over the houses and the crowd is partying to "Celebration". Randy rallies them on by blowing through a paper horn Reveler 1: [gulps down a beer] Yoohoo! Reveler 2: Obama yeah, I can't believe it! Randy: O ba ma! O ba ma! Revelers: O ba ma! O ba ma! Randy: Cehhh-lebrate good Obama come on! [reaches a keg of beer and serves himself some into a mug] It's Obamobama! [someone walks by and just throws up] Scene Description: Stan's house. He and Kyle look at the partying going on outside. Stan is on the phone Stan: Yes, I'd like to make a noise complaint. [outside the music changes to "Who Let The Dogs Out?" Someone swings from a traffic light and falls. A truck full of young adults rolls by] Crowd: Obama! Randy: Who let the Obama out? [moments later a police car rolls down the street, slowly going through the crowd] Ohoh, police are here. OooooOOOOooo! Crowd: OooooOOOOooo! [Officer Barbrady stops the cruiser and hops out of it] Barbrady: Okay people, time to disperse. Party's over! Randy: BOOOO! [other people join in the booing] Reveler: ...party Obama! Barbrady: Come on, time to go home. Randy: What are you? A McCain voter? Crowd: Yeah! Randy: Sorry pal, but Obama's President now! [walks towards Barbrady, and his pants begin to fall to his ankles] Obama! Obama! [walks past him and towards the police car] Crowd: Obama! Obama! Randy: Yeah yeah, flip the... Flip the cop car! Flip the cop car! [other revelers walk up and help out] Barbrady: Ey, put down my car! [Randy and the revelers succeed in flipping the car over] Revelers: Yes we can! [they move in and keep rocking the car as the music switches to "Mickey".] Barbrady: No! No! Hey, stop it! Stan: Jesus Christ... Randy: O-bama you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind. Hey Obama! Hey Obama! [Cartman rolls by in his Big Wheels trike, pulling a cart full of TVs] Cartman: Hey, you guys wanna buy a TV? [Stan and Kyle just look at each other.] Scene Description: Washington D.C., at the penthouse of a hotel. Obama and McCain enter a suite where the rest of their team is waiting for them. It's 2:15 am. The team members applaud them as they reach the middle of the room. Quincy: Bravo Obama and McCain. Ten years you two have been working on this plan and you've finally pulled it off! McCain: Guys, we've all known each other a long time, had many incredible adventures, but this is going to be our greatest feat ever. Neely: I knew it! I knew when you two ran for President you were just working an angle. Obama: Always workin' the angles. McCain: My friends, while the entire country is busy reacting to the election, we are about to pull off the greatest heist in human history. Quincy: So, come on, enlighten us. What are we stealing this time? [Obama and McCain look at each other knowingly. The next scene shows a huge diamond necklace] Obama: The Hope Diamond, rated #4 of the ten most precious diamonds in the world. Going street value, Middle-Eastern market, of course, two hundred and ten million dollars. Davis: Two hundred ten? McCain: Million. Quincy: No no no, the Hope Diamond is ungettable. Every thief in the world knows that. Obama: Almost ungettable. The diamond is kept in the Smithsonian Natural History Museum, long considered to be the most thief-proof structure ever built. [Two security guards go around closing the exhibits for the night] The Diamond Wing Is protected by impenetrable walls of two-foot wide steel. On the northeast side, a seven-five laser system. [the guards walk out of a room and turn on the laser system as they exit] There's simply no side of the Smithsonian that can be breached. Davis: So you go in from the roof, drop into it from the top. Obama: Can't get it to from the top because a polymer shelf runs the entire expanse. Quincy: Okay, you can't get into the museum from any side and you can't drop in from above, so you can't get the diamond. [Obama walks over to the computer and turns it on, stepping aside for McCain] McCain: Meet... the Presidential Escape Tunnel, [a simulation begins to play on the computer monitors] A two-mile long underground passage that runs from the White House to a location outside the city limits in case of an attack. The tunnel is only accessible from the Oval Office and just happens to travel right underneath the Smithsonian Natural History Museum. Neely, Davis: Boom, baby! McCain: You get somebody into that tunnel, they can blast into the museum, let the others in, the heist is on. Quincy: So you both run for President because one of you has to win, and you've got your access to the tunnel. McCain: And we run on a particularly brutal campaign so that the nation is as distracted as possible over the next... eight hours. Quincy: This all sounds very risky. Obama: [walks across the floor] We've spent ten years putting this plan together. If we are indeed the greatest thief club in the world- Neely: And we are. Obama: [turns around] -we won't get caught. Scene Description: Stan's house, night. Kyle is in the kitchen, on the phone with 9-1-1. Kyle: Yes, ah I'm trying to locate my parents. M-my name is Kyle Broflovski. Yes, I know Obama won. Stan: [walks in from the dining room] Kyle, Kyle you gotta get out here. Kyle: What?! Stan: Your little brother has climbed out of the window. I I think he's gonna jump! Kyle: Oh my God! [drops the phone and follows Stan to Ike] Scene Description: Stan's house, one of the windows. Kyle is standing on a window sill in the den mumbling out loud. Stan and Kyle run outside and reach the window Kyle: Ike, don't do it! There's still so much to live for! [Ike begins to cry] I know you really wanted McCain to win but, but it's going to be okay. [Ike mumbles something to him] No, that's not true, Ike. The economy could easily stabilize with Obama's plan. [Ike says something more] Ike, don't jump! You could really hurt your ankle or something. [The camera zooms out to show that the window is barely off the ground. Ike cries, Stan and Kyle look at each other] Really Ike, that's like five feet off the ground. Don't do it. Ike: Good-bye. [falls from the window sill and lands on the ground face down] Stan, Kyle: NOO! Kyle: Ike? [no response] Oh crap Ike? Scene Description: The White House, night Chief of Security: All right, everyone, I'm turning in for the night. Go to standard security, team 3. SS agent 1: Sir! S-sir, we have a bit of a problem. Chief of Security: What? SS agent 1: The new President-elect is here. Eh he wants into the Oval Office. Chief of Security: Barack Obama? [next scene shows Barack Obama walking through the White House] SS agent 2: They're all, they're all right through here, sir. Chief of Security: [interrupting as Obama enters] Uh, hello, is there something we can do for you, Mr. Obama? Obama: Just checking out the new digs. How are you guys? Chief of Security: Good, sir. Obama: I'd like to see the Oval Office, please? Chief of Security: Right now? Obama: I don't waste time, gentlemen. I've only got two months to figure out how I wanna redecorate, if you know what I mean. You know, change the drapes and stuff. Chief of Security: [backs up towards the Oval Office] Sure, right this way, Mr... President. [opens the doors to the office] Obama: [enters the office] I will need absolute privacy, is that understood? Chief of Security: Yes sir. [Obama places a bill into the Chief's jacket breast pocket] Obama: Thanks. [closes the doors] Chief of Security: I got a hundred dollars. [grins] Scene Description: Inside the Oval Office. Obama: All right, McCain. I'm in. McCain: Nicely done, B. We're in position outside the Smithsonian. [he's with a construction team] You find the escape tunnel? Obama: I'm already on it. [plugs a hacking device into an electronic lock hidden under a panel on the desktop; it quickly starts crunching numbers in trying to decode the password. Once it decodes the right password the desk moves to one side and the secret passage is revealed] Boom baby. Scene Description: South Park, early early morning. The Obama supporters are still partying on the neighborhood streets. The music this time is "Whoomp! (There it is)" Reveler 3: Yehhheheah! Randy: [even more drunk than before, serves himself more beer] Wooo, change. Reveler 4: Change. Reveler 5: Change. Stan: [running up to him with Kyle] Dad Dad, we have a problem. Randy: Not anymore we don't; everything's different now. Stan: No, Dad, we gotta take Kyle's brother to the hospital. Randy: We don't have to take... crap... from the fit- rich, fat cats anymore. Stan: Dude, he's wasted. Randy: Hey, it's my boss. Hey boss! [walks over] Randy's boss: Oh, hello Marsh. Randy: Yeah, you know what? Fuck you! [Stan and Kyle are stunned] Randy's boss: Huh? Randy: You heard me, you fuckin' piece of shit! I can finally tell you what I think o'you, fuckin' asshole! Stan: [quite concerned] Dad, what are you doing?! Randy: It's okay, Stan, everything's changed. I don't need this stupid fuckin' job anymore! You lil fucking assfuck, piece of shit [gives him the finger again] You know what Obama said? Yes we can! Randy's boss: Hey, I voted for Obama. Randy: Obama's not talkin' about you! Kyle: [looks around] Can someone help us? My little brother fell out of a window. [Randy punches his boss in the face and his boss just leaves, holding his hands over his nose] Scene Description: McCain headquarters. Sarah Palin stands behind a podium. Photographers snap away at their cameras Palin: I just wanna say to everyone who's a little disappointed that we lost the election that there's always next year. Maybe I'll run again for Vice President again in 2009. [the cameras die down and everyone is a bit aghast at her statement] Reporter 1: Uh Mrs. Palin, have you seen or heard from John McCain? Palin: Uh, uh, nnno, I don't really know where he went. Kinda seems a little odd, I guess, but [her cell phone begins to ring] Oh, my phone's going ringy. Ex-cuse me. [steps away from the podium and off the stage to her left. She answers the phone at a safe distance from the stage] Hello? McCain: Hello Sarah, it's McCain. Palin: [switches to a British accent] I hope to God you're calling to tell me you're in position below the vault with the L7 charges. Obama: I'm in the tunnel now, Sarah. I should be almost below the museum. Palin: Just make sure you don't blow the transformers along with the tunnel because it will trigger the five-four laser system! And don't damage any coupling wires or it'll be worthless when Gary shuts down the grid. I'll be there in thirty. Obama: God she's awesome. Palin: [returns to the podium and a normal voice] Oh, I guess Senator McCain's gonna fly me back to Alaska now. He's got a private jet, you know? Okay, byebye then. [walks off to her right] Bloody idiots. [she walks out of the headquarters through a side door, tosses off her red business suit and walks towards the camera in a catsuit. She whips out some sais and spins them around like pistols] McCain: All right, here we go. [a piledriver is turned on and a massive pile is lifted up, then dropped. Shockwaves spread out each time the pile hits the ground] Guard 1: What's that noise? Guard 2: It's okay, just some construction outside. [Obama prepares a charge and sets it off, and light enters the tunnel. Obama has broken into the Smithsonian. He pops his head through the hole] Scene Description: Inside the Smithsonian. Obama looks around and sees the laser system is on. Obama: Oh no. [presses a button on his headset] McCain? We've got a problem. [the lasers are now blue instead of red] Scene Description: South Park streets, night. Stan and Kyle have placed Ike in a red Radio Flier wagon and are pulling him along. Ike moans from time to time. They pass by a gas station] Kyle: Hang in there, Ike. We're gonna get you help. Stan: [points ahead] Hey, there's some people. [ahead of them is a garage that has been converted into a cave. Stephen Stotch and the other McCain supporters are there putting stuff away. Stephen is holding a crowd of other McCain supporters at bay with a rifle.] Stephen: Let's just stay back- STAY BACK! We don't have any more room in the Ark. [above the garage door is the work "A.RK"] Man 1: You have to let us in! You know the country's doomed! Woman 1: Who are you to turn us away?! Stephen: I built this bunker in case McCain lost! There isn't enough room for everyone! Kyle: Hey, excuse me, but we need some help. Stephen: I know you do, but there's no more room, I tell ya! Man 2: You're going to deny them too? Man 1: [throws down his sleeping bag] For God's sake, man, they're children! [kneels next to Stan] Look them in the eyes and tell them you won't take them in! [tugs on Stan's cheeks] Look at their little cheeks! Stan: Let go of my face, asshole! Stephen: All right, damn you! The children can come in! Kyle: No, we don't want to enter any of your stupid shelter! Man 3: Okay, then I want their place. Man 4: Me too. Kyle: We NEED a ride to the hospital! Man 1: THERE ISN'T GONNA BE A HOSPITAL! DON'T YOU GET IT?! Woman 2: Let us in now! [Stephen smacks her away, and a brawl follows] Mr. Garrison: Whoa, Jesus, it's already happening. Society's breaking down! Man 5: Obama hasn't been elected four hours and already the country's going to hell! [another supporter smacks him down from behind. Stan and Kyle just leave and resume their walk] Scene Description: The Oval Office, outside. The Chief of Security knocks on the door] Chief of Security: Mr. Obama? [tries to open it, but can't] Sir? [looks to another Secret Service agent] All right, give me the keys. [the door opens before the agent could reach for the keys. Barack Obama dusts himself off] Obama: Is there a problem, gentlemen? Chief of Security: Uh, no. No, sir. Everything okay in there? Obama: Why wouldn't it be? I'm sorry, but I asked to be left alone? Chief of Security: Yes, sir, it's, just that... your wife is here. Obama: My wife? Michelle: [appears behind the agents] Barack, everyone's been looking for you. What on earth are you doing? Obama: [pulls her into the Oval Office] Uh, c-c-come on in, darling. [appears at the doorway again] Thank, thank you boys. [closes and locks the doors] Scene Description: The Oval Office, inside. Barack and Michelle are alone now] Michelle: Okay Barack, tell me what's going on? Obama: Michelle, there's something I need to tell you. Michelle: What is it? [Obama stays quiet] Barack, what is it?! Obama: The laser system guarding the diamond was replaced by an optical relay three days ago. Michelle: You gotta be kiddin' me. So the entire diamond vault is inaccessible?! Is McCain online? McCain: [wearing a huge fake mustache] Hi, Michelle. Michelle: [removes the Bluetooth device from Obama's right ear and places it on her own] You guys weren't runnin' update checks on the security logs?! McCain: Michelle, we need you to do a different scan hack through the vault relay. Michelle: On a new system, in an hour?! Are you nuts? My job was to pretend to be married to this bozo and get you three scan hacks into a laser system! Sarah: Michelle, it's Sarah. They did replace the laser system, but the new one isn't brand-new. It's an old H-7 series. You can break this baby in 30 minutes. Michelle: Egh. Tell Davis to get me a fortrans emitter and enough pulse drives to light a spark. Obama: Did you catch that, Davis? Davis: I'm on it. Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, night. Stan and Kyle finally make it to the emergency entrance] Kyle: We made it, Ike. You're going to be okay. [they enter the ER and see a lot of patients in there. One man has an Obama flag stuck up his ass. The clock reads 9 p.m., so it must be broken] Nurse: [showing an Obama patient where to wait] There, just take a seat over there. Kyle: [getting the nurse's attention] E-excuse me, my little brother needs medical attention. Nurse: Was he an Obama supporter or a McCain supporter? Stan: Why does that matter? Nurse: Because then I'll know if he partied too hard or if he tried to kill himself. [on one side of the ER are Obama supporters who are suffering the effects of too much partying, and on the other are McCain supporters who have more serious wounds] Kyle: Ma'am, please, I think my little brother needs immediate help. Nurse: You don't understand, kid: there's only two doctors on call, and Dr. Wilson is out celebrating in the streets somewhere. Stan: So where's the other doctor? [the nurse opens a door behind her and the other doctor... is hanging from a noose attached to the ceiling] Randy: [walking in suddenly towards the Obama side] Hey, come on people. We can keep partying, can't we? Yes we can! Come on, let's sing. O-bama. Well you came and you gave without taking. [moans come up from all over the ER as people cover their ears] And I sent you away, O-bama. When you kissed me and stopped me from shakin'. [a McCain supporter tries to hasten his death by smashing a corkscrew into his head] Scene Description: The Smithsonian. Michelle and Obama are at the tunnel's new entry point near the Hope Diamond. Michelle is still breaking the new laser system] Michelle: I've almost got it. You're only going to have five minutes. Do you understand? Obama: Did you really not like pretending to be married? Michelle: Oh Jesus, now is not the time, B. Obama: Come on. You have to admit we had some fun. Michelle: My girls need somebody better than a world-class diamond thief. Woowait, there! I got it. Obama: [to everyone connected to his bluetooth unit] All right, everyone. We're about to go. So here's the revised schedule: 4:40 a.m., the team gathers at the northwest exit of the museum. [the heist is shown taking place as Obama goes through the schedule] 4:45 a.m., Michelle hacks the optical relay, allowing me access to the rear doors. Michelle: Go! [Obama takes off] Obama: 4:46, from inside I can open the doors and let in the rest of the crew. [Obama opens the vault door and McCain and the others walk in] 5:10 a.m., at the Department of Power Quincy shuts down the grid, disabling power to the vault room. 5:12, my grandmother who faked her death on Monday calls in a bomb threat to the museum. Grandma Obama: I said I put a bomb in your building, bitch. Obama: 5:13, the guards open the southwest door, checking the museum for any bombs. [above them, Palin crawls across the ceiling like Spider-Man towards the entrance] 5:14, McCain, dressed as a football player, enters security and shuts off the diamond case alarm. [Palin drops down and hangs upside down. She lifts the glass display cover from the diamond and swipes the Hope Diamond from its display case. McCain is spotted and flees] Smithsonian guard: Hey you! Stop! Obama: Michelle and I head back into the tunnel and the hole is patched. [Davis and Neely act as repairmen and seal up the hole] 5:15 a.m., I walk out of the Oval Office with the diamond securely hidden in my anus. Obama: [to the Secret Service] All done. Thanks. [Barack and Michelle head outside, towards a limousine. The door opens and McCain is waiting for them. They enter and take their seats, and the limousine rolls off. The rest of the team looks at the three of them, and they all laugh. Obama takes the diamond out of his ass and displays it for all to see.] Scene Description: Boom, baby! Quincy: There's just one thing: don't you think people are going to be suspicious when you disappear? Go looking for you? Obama: We hired a guy for that a couple of months ago. [a plane sits all by itself in a field somewhere. The interior is full of dummies. Nearby, in a recovery room, Ike rises from his bed as Stan and Kyle look off into space. He presses a button and the plane blows up: the plane was landed near Hell's Pass Hospital. Stan and Kyle hear the explosion and quickly turn around and look outside] Kyle: What the hell? [they observe the burning plane. Ike sneaks away while the boys are distracted. He dashes across the hall to the coroner's office and enters it. He hops onto a chair and attaches a USB stick to a computer, and begins typing. Dossiers of the heist team members pop up and Ike classifies each one as deceased. The door opens, and Kyle and Stan enter] Ike? Ike: Boom, baby. Scene Description: Washington D.C., day. The heist team members are in the waiting room watching their plane, an Air Tahiti jet, taxi into position] Flight attendant: Here are all the tickets for your group, Mr. Sanchez. McCain: Thank you very much. Quincy: Well friends, let us depart. Obama: Hey uh, you guys go ahead. I just came to say goodbye. Neely: Wha? Obama: I decided to hang it up, maybe give this President thing a shot. McCain: B, you can't be serious. Quincy: Besides, you died in a jet in the Rocky Mountains, remember? Obama: Could have been I didn't make that flight. [walks up to Michelle] What do you say, Michelle? Would you and your girls like to move into the White House with me? You know, settle down, just be President and First Lady for a while. Michelle: You're serious. Obama: Who knows? Maybe we could change a few things. What do you say? Michelle: Aww, what the fuck. [they begin to kiss, and the other members of the team wave goodbye and head for the plane] McCain: I just looove happy endings. Scene Description: South Park, the A.RK, morning. The garage door goes up and the McCain supporters in the bunker look out into the same scene they'd seen countless times before.] Stephen: It's still here, ih... it's all still here. Mr. Garrison: Does that mean... maybe we overreacted? Stephen: No, no, I wouldn't say that. It's just maybe... well, uh... maybe Obama will be all right. Scene Description: The Marsh house, living room. Randy wakes up from a drunken slumber, trash still strewn all over the living room.] Randy: Uhh... [sits up and tries to rub his eyes, but he's got a headache] Oh ow. [walks forward...] Hey, where are my pants? [looks at the table the TV is missing from] Where's our TV?! Where are my pants and where's my TV?! Stan: Dad, your boss called. He said you're fired. Randy: [surprised] Oh! [is pissed off again] Ugh, God damn it! Obama said things would be different! That sonofabitch lied to us! I knew I should have voted for McCain! [kicks a side table away and walks off]

Scene Description: South Park Elementary School Cafeteria, lunchtime. The boys are in the center table once again, with the girls off to screen right. This time there are ten boys present, five on each side. On the left are Butters, Kyle, Stan, Cartman, and Kenny. On the right are Clyde, Craig, Jimmy, Token, and Jason Cartman: Hahahahaha, look at Kenny's lunch, a baloney sandwich and water! Hahaha, Goddamn your family's poor, dude. [Kenny indeed has a plain bologna sandwich and a glass of water.] Butters: Hey, you fellas wanna go see High School Musical 3 tonight? Bunch of kids from school are gonna see it again. Kyle: What's High School Musical 3? Clyde: You know, the sequel to High School Musical 1 and 2. Stan: What's High School Musical 1 and 2? Cartman: There's not- there's not even condiments on his baloney sandwich! Jason: What's High School Musical 1 and... Dude, it's only the most popular thing with kids in our age group! Jimmy: Yeah. Where the hell have you guys ...been? Craig: Peru. Scene Description: At the table behind the second row of boys, the girls begin to laugh Bebe: And then I saw High School Musical 3 again on Friday, and guess who was there? Bridon Gueermo. Millie: Bridon Gueermo? Oh he's such a dream! Red: I'd give anything to be with Bridon Gueermo, but he'd never go for me. I'm nobody. Wendy: That's not true, Red. Everyone has something that makes them unique. [stands on the bench in place] Everyone is special in their own way. Move to the beat and let your spirit out! [the girls begin to snap their fingers] Bebe: As long as we've got each other, we'll never have any trouble. Girls' Table: That's what bein' friends is about. Cue full instrumentation (Oh ye-ah) [the girls stand on the benches and face the boys] Everyone is special in their own way, and we'll always be together as one. Cartman: [puzzled] What the hell are they doing? Girls' Table: - Together as one - Stan: I have no idea. [the other boys turn in their seats to get a better view] Girls' Table: As long as we stick together, together we'll stay. And every kid in school is special in their own way. Cartman: Dude, girls are such fags. [suddenly, Clyde, Craig, Jimmy, Token, and Jason leave the table and join the girls] Boys' table except for The Boys: Oh yeah, oh yeah! Boys:: [Dancing] Boys... are special in their own way. Girls:: [Dancing] Girls... are special like a birthday. Kids:: We'll always be dancin' and singin' aloud. Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh! Heidi: Here he comes. [the kids make way for a new boy, Bridon Gueermo, who dances towards the camera] Bridon Gueermo: I like havin' fun in the hot summer sun (wooo!) An' groovin' to the beat when my homework is all done. (yeah!) If you ask me what I know, then you know what I will say? That every single body is special in their own way. Stan: [while the boy is singing] Who the hell is that? Butters: Why, that's Bridon Gueermo. He's just a third grader, but he can sing and dance better than anybody. Bebe: [swooning, walks over to the boys] He's already seen High School Musical 3 over a hundred times. Kids: Everyone is special in their own way Bridon: Special in their own way! Kids:: Move to the beat and let your spirit out! Bridon: Let it out! Party people! Kids: As long as we have each other, we'll never have any trouble. That's what bein' friends is about. Kyle: Are we the only ones here who are completely confused? Stan: Yeah, I guess we'd better check that movie out... Scene Description: Stan's house. The boys are watching High School Musical. They're watching a musical sequence with all singing and dancing on tables and up and down stairs. It's quite an elaborate presentation Singers: You've gotta go with the status quo. If you wanna be a regular Joe. (come on now) And your dreams are only a beat away; don't let 'em tell you no. (tell you no-o-o) You've gotta go with the status quo. Keep singing 'bout the status quo (keep singing 'bout the status) That's the place we know (get down now) We're all in our high school dancing on tables singing 'bout what we know (singing 'bout what we know) We've gotta go with the status quo, go with the status quo. (go with the status) Go with the status quo (go with the status quo). That's where we should go. (Go there now) Copies of pop songs packaged by Disney and turned into a show (into a show). That's the status quo! That's the status quo (That's the status quo) That's the status quohh! That's the place we know (get down now) We're all in our high school dancing on tables singing 'bout what we know (singing 'bout what we know) We've gotta go with the status quo, go with the status quo. (go with the status) Go with the status- Scene Description: During this number, the following conversation takes place. At first the boys are silently watching the TV, then Cartman: This... is cool? This... is cool. We are really gettin' old, you guys. [silence follows for a few seconds, then Stan holds up the DVD case] Stan: Says this DVD sold more copies than any DVD ever made. Kyle: They just released part 3 in theaters and it made 80 million opening weekend. Cartman: Well, I'm out guys. [get up from the sofa, puts on his jacket, and heads for the front door] If this is what's cool now, I think I'm done. I no longer have any connection to this world. I'm gonna go home and kill myself. Goodbye, friends. Stan: I don't care how popular being like these kids becomes, I'm not doing it. Kyle: I'm not doing it either. Kenny? Kenny: (No way in hell I'm doing it.) Stan: All right, do we promise? We have to swear to each other right now we'll never become this. [holds up his right hand. Kyle holds his right hand up as well, and Kenny holds up his left] Kyle: I swear Kenny: (I swear too.) Stan: Okay, good. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Garrison's class. Kids begin taking their seats. Stan is writing something as Cartman come in and sits down Cartman: Ehhhhhhh. [Stan stops writing] Kyle: What happened? I thought you were gonna kill yourself. Cartman: I tried. Went to sleep in my mom's car in the garage with the engine turned on. Stan: But you didn't die? Cartman: ...Freakin' hybrids, man. They just don't do the trick anymore. [The bell rings and Mr. Garrison walks in with his books] Mr. Garrison: All right, kids in seats, kids in seats. [the last few kids take their seats] Today we are going to discuss the Berlin Wall. [He writes "Berlin Wall" on the chalkboard] This was a wall in Germany that actually separated the Communist east side and the Democratic west side. Wendy: stands up on the seat of her desk] East side, west side, whatever side that you're on. [some kids begin to snap their fingers Bebe: As long as we care about each other we can still have some fun. Kyle: Aw man. Class: Don't sweat what you might get by assuming the other side as a threat Mr. Garrison: [beaming] Oh, you kids. [Stan buries his face in his hand]</poem> Class: Each side is right or wrong, we've gotta learn to all get along. Bridon: [enters the classroom] East side, west side, doesn't matter to me. We've gotta learn to power through, set each other free. Wendy: We don't care what other people wear or the way they like to style their hair. [Stan looks at them both and begins to worry that Bridon might sweep her away] Bridon, Wendy: Each side is right or wrong, we've gotta learn to all get along. Class: East siiide, west siiide, east siiide... Cartman:: [looking around and getting pissed off] God this sucks! Scene Description: The hallway, later on. Wendy's at her locker putting some books away. Stan is far enough away that she doesn't notice him, but he's watching her. Jimmy walks up to him Jimmy: Do you feel like maybe you're l-l-losin' her, S-Stan? Stan: I don't know. There's nothin' I can do about it anyway. Jimmy: M-Maybe you should just talk to her. You know, a little conversation. Tell her... what you feel. Sometimes you feel like there's a b-burnin' inside you, like a- Stan: Stop. [holds his left hand out, palm out, for emphasis, and walks away. Jimmy stops singing] Jimmy: All righty then. Stan: [walks up to Wendy] Uh, Wendy? Wendy: [looks at him] Hey Stan. Stan: Look, I just want you to know, if you want to, you know, be with that Bridon kid, then you should. Wendy: What? Stan: I mean, I see the way you two are together and I don't wanna be in your way. Wendy: Stan, that's ridiculous. Stan: It is? Wendy: I would never leave you for Bridon. Stan: [brightens up] Really? Wendy: No way. That's stupid. I wouldn't have a chance with Bridon; he can be with any girl he wants. [shuts her locker and walks away, kissing Stan on the left cheek. Jimmy arrives two second later] Jimmy: There you go. Feel better, p-pal? [Stan stays quiet] Scene Description: Stan walks through some double doors and continues down the hallway. The doors close behind him Stan: What am I supposed to do? Can't just sit back and watch some kid steal my girlfriend away. [at an intersection he takes a left turn] I mean, Wendy said she'd never leave me for him. [kids appear behind him and follow him] But what if she just doesn't wanna hurt my feelings? She said he could get any girl he wants, and that means if he wanted, he could have my girl. [the kids begin to snap their fingers] This is all so crazy. I mean really, how could my day get any worse? [noticing the finger-snapping, he stops walking and looks around. The kids wait for him to start singing and dancing] No-no, no, I'm not doing it! I'm not doing it! Kids: Awww. [murmurs follow] Stan: No, fuck off. I'm not doing it. Kids: Awww. [more murmuring. As they disperse, Butters walks up to Stan] Butters: Awww jeez, you're no fun. [turns right and walks away. At the other end of the hall, Bridon rounds a corner and dances down the hallway in Stan's direction] Bebe: Hey Bridon. Bridon: Hey. Lola: Hi Bridon Bridon: Hi. Heidi, Millie: Hey Bridon. Bridon: Hey. Stan: [now hiding behind a corner. Bridon passes by him unaware] Hey, kid, over here. [Bridon looks around and finds Stan, then walks over to him] Hey, uh, listen. You know this whole singing and dancing thing you do? I think you need to uh, ease off a little bit. Bridon: Huh? Stan: Yeah, look, I I know you think the kids in school like you, but, actually they're all getting really annoyed. Bridon: They are? Stan: Yeah. You don't know 'cause you're just a third grader, but, take it from me, [gets stern] you're driving everyone crazy. Bridon: I don't blame 'em. All that singing and dancing? I can't stand it. Stan: You don't like doing it? Bridon: It just isn't me. What I really wanna do is just... play basketball. Stan: Basketball? Bridon: I love it! Always have. I never miss a game on TV ...when my dad isn't making me rehearse. I'd love to quit singing and dancing forever and just play ball. Stan: Dude, you should do that! You should join the basketball team, right now! Bridon: I can't. Stan: [firmly] Yes, you can. What's stopping you? Bridon: [sighs deeply] It's my dad. He thinks basketball is for sissies. If I don't do what he wants, he beats me. Stan: No, dude, listen, you need to take a stand and tell your dad what you want! Bridon: Really? Stan: When you grow up and you're a fourth grader, you'll understand that you have to be tough and direct with your parents. Go to your dad and tell him you wanna give up singing and dancing, and join the basketball team. Bridon: You know... you're right. I'm gonna talk to my old man tonight. [walks away] Stan: [proud of himself] Sweet. Scene Description: Bridon's house, night. He's seated at table for dinner. His mom enters the dining room with the main dish, a casserole. The dining room is lined with posters from various musicals - Phantom of the Opera, Mamma Mia... Felines. A full-length mirror is also present Mrs. Gueermo: Sit up properly, Bridon. You know how strict your father is about posture. [serves out the casserole] All right dear, dinner's ready! Mr. Gueermo: [struts in, checks himself out in the mirror, and takes his seat at the head of the table] Okay, let's eat! Bridon: Dad, I need to talk to you about somethin'. Mr. Gueermo:: Ooo, that sounds emotional! [holds his hand against his ear to listen better] What is it son? What's on your mind? Whatever it is, you know your dad has the time. Bridon: No, Dad, can we just talk? Mr. Gueermo: If you can talk it, you can sing it. [gets up and dances to the mirror again] You can lay down the rhythm and bring it! Just put a melody to the words that you're sayin' and sing the beat- Bridon: Dad, I want to join the basketball team. [his Dad is upset. He turns around and faces Bridon] Mr. Gueermo: What did you say? Bridon: This kid at school today told me I should do what I wanna do. That's what I really wanna do. Mr. Gueermo: Basketball? No son of mine is going to be a sweaty little jock! Bridon: But Dad, it's what I really want. Mr. Gueermo: There's no singing and dancing in basketball! Bridon: I know. That's kind of why I like it. Mr. Gueermo: Don't you even think about it! If I had a jock for a son, I'd be the laughingstock of the men's choir club. Bridon: It's my life, Dad! Mr. Gueermo: Don't make me slap you! [raises his right hand up, ready to slap] I will slap your face so super hard... [Bridon quickly leaves the table and his dad sits back down] I am the man of this house! You disrespect me and you're gonna get slapped! Mrs. Gueermo: Maybe you should let him try it. Mr. Gueermo: What did you say, woman?! Mrs. Gueermo: You aren't being fair. Mr. Gueermo: That's it! I'm gonna slap you! Mrs. Gueermo: No, please. Mr. Gueermo: [begins to sing and slap] I slap you! Mrs. Gueermo: Ahh! Mr. Gueermo: I slap you! Mrs. Gueermo: Ohh! Mr. Gueermo: I slap slap slap you! Mrs. Gueermo: Dohh! Mr. Gueermo: Slapping you slapping you silly 'cause you disrespected me. Mrs. Gueermo: Ooohohoo. Scene Description: South Park Elementary. The four boys approach the school Cartman: You guys, I need to copy your math homework before class. Kyle: You're not copying my homework, you lazy turd. Cartman: Fuck you, Kyle! [upon entering the building, they are met by a pre-class musical production] Kids: And you know, we're together at school again. Jimmy: School again. Stan: Aww! Kids: With all of our friends, and you know, we'll be doing this forever. Cartman: Oh God, shut up! Kids: Together at school again. What a special day. Cartman: Shut. Up. Shut. Up. Shut. Uuup! Kids: We could say that neverrrrrrrrrrr Goes away. Scene Description: The school bell rings and everyone goes to class. Stan catches up to Bridon Stan: Hey kid, what happened?! I th-I thought you didn't wanna sing and dance anymore?! Bridon: Yeah, well, my dad blew a gasket when I told him and, then he beat my mom. Stan: Dude, what did I tell you?! You have to be tough and stand up for yourself! [sees someone down the hall] Mr. Garrett, Mr. Garrett. [Mr. Garrett, the school coach, is eating an apple] This kid wants to join the basketball team. He's really good. Mr. Garrett: Really? Bridon: [looks down and away] Look, I should be getting to class. Mr. Garrett: Hey, we sure could use you, kid. I could never find enough kids that wanna play ball. All the kids and the school funding go to the theater department. Stan: You see? They need you. This is fate, kid, fate. Bridon: I don't know... Mr. Garrett: Look, just come in at recess and shoot some ball with the team. Stan: Yeah, just go in at recess and shoot some ball with the team, God damn it! Bridon: Okay. Scene Description: Recess. The basketball team is assembled in the school gym. Bridon is at the free-throw line and shoots Mr. Garrett: Aayy, that's great, Bridon. Bridon: Thanks. Jason: We might have a chance at winning now. [the doors open at the far end of the gym and Mr. Gueermo enters] Mr. Gueermo: Bridon! What are you doing here? What are you doing here? Bupow! Bupow! Bupow! Bridon: Dad, I was just messin' around. Mr. Gueermo: I drove by the school and saw kids on the playground doing a music number and you weren't there! You're here in the sports gym shooting basket hoops! Mr. Garrett: Eh, your kid is really good at this. Mr. Gueermo: Don't talk to me, stupid jock asshole! [Bridon puts his ams up in self-defense] Mr. Garrett: Just... go easy on him, huh? Mr. Gueermo: [gasps, then raises his right hand up to strike] You know what this means? It means you're about to get slapped, so you'd better shut up! Mr. Garrett: If he wants to play ball, you should let him. Mr. Gueermo: I'll do it! I'll slap the shit out of you! Mr. Garrett: He's just a kid. Mr. Gueermo: [slap] You don't tell me how to raise my son! I'll slap it again. [slap] Bridon: Dad, stop! Mr. Gueermo: You're trying to turn my son into a little asshole sports person like yourself [slaps with his left hand this time] There, there's another slap! Maybe you'll think next time you act, you- [right-hand slap] Slap it, I'll slap it! [left-hand slap. He then pulls Bridon out of the gym.] Bridon: Ow, Dad. Dad, you're hurting me. Mr. Gueermo: Shut up, Bridon! [as he reaches the doors, they open and Mr. Mackey appears] Mr. Mackey: Uh, what's going on here, Mr. Gueermo? Mr. Gueermo: Get out of my way, Mackey. You wanna piece of this?! [Mackey doesn't reply, but he slaps him anyway] I'll slap everyone in this God damned school if I have to! [exits the gym, but returns to slap Mackey again, then leaves again] Scene Description: In the hallway, father and son hurry along. Mr. Gueermo: You are never going to play shooting hoops, do you understand?! [Stan watches them walk by, his plan dashed] You are going to sing and dance and be the best at it! Bridon: You're hurting my arm. Mr. Gueermo: Stupid-ass boy! Stan: [sighs deeply] Ah, shit. Scene Description: Scott's house. Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny are playing a video game. Cartman: Oh that's good that's good. Yeah. Shoot that guy in the face, Kyle. [Stan walks into the living room and stands to one side of the sofa] Yeah, nice. Stan: You guys, this High School Musical thing isn't gonna go away. I think we'd better just get on board with it. Kyle: What? Are you crazy? Cartman: No way dude. Kyle: We promised each other we would never do that, remember? Kenny: (Yeah.) Stan: I know, but... I think we're really starting to become outcasts at school. We're losing all our credibility. I mean, look at who you guys are hanging out with now. Scott Malkinson, for Christ's sake. Scott Malkinson: What's so bad about hanging out with me? Cartman: Shut up, Scott Malkinson. "I'm Scott Malkinson. I've got a lisp and I've got diabetes." Scott: Hey, don't make fun of my diabetes! Cartman: "Don't make fun of my diabetes, I'm Scott Malkinson." [Kenny laughs] Stan: You can rip on him, but you guys are hanging out with him. Doesn't that make you think maybe your clout at school has slipped a little? Kyle: Stan, you're just jealous of that third grader and you think Wendy's gonna go for him unless you start singing and dancing too. Kenny: (Yeah!) Stan: That isn't true! [no one challenges] Okay, that's totally true. But you guys, we are at risk of becoming the unpopular kids Scott: Hey, that was supposed to be my power-up pack. Cartman: "That was supposed to be my power-up pack, I'm Scott Malkinson and I have diabetes." Scene Description: The Gueermo house, living room, night. Bridon looks out the window as his father dances to High School Musical on screen Mr. Gueermo: Yadada yadada yadada dadadadada High School Musical is so awesome. [the doorbell rings and Mr. Gueermo pauses the video and prances to the door. He opens it and two adults appear] Male CPS Agent: Mister... Gueermo? Mr. Gueermo: [barks] What? Male CPS Agent: [shows his official badge] We're from Child Protective Services. [puts it away] There's some concern you might be physically abusing your child? Mr. Gueermo: What? Who the hell's been saying that?! Female CPS Agent: We got a phone call from a concerned student who wishes to remain anonymous. Male CPS Agent: His name is Stan Marsh. Mr. Gueermo: You'd better just turn your asses around and get back in your little car, 'cause there's a world o'hurt about to come your way! Male CPS Agent: Mr. Gueermo, we need to come in and have a word with your son. Mr. Gueermo: [performs a sweeping gesture to usher them in] Oh, by all means. You got the balls to come in here?! Do it! Do it! [the agents enter and walk over to Bridon] Male CPS Agent: Hello, Bridon, my name is Mr. Kelly. [Mr. Gueermo sneaks up behind him, ready to slap him at any moment] We just wanted to talk to you for a few minutes if that's okay and just maybe... [Mr. Gueermo whistles, Mr. Kelly turns around, and Mr. Gueermo slaps him] Mr. Gueermo: Yeah! There it is! Slapped you! You probably think I'm finished, huh?! [slap] No, there's another one! Female CPS Agent: Oh my God! Mr. Gueermo: [moves over to the female agent] Don't worry, bitch, I didn't forget about you! [slaps her] There's a slap for you! [three slaps follow] Slap, slap, slap! [slaps Mr. Kelly three more times] Yeah, there you go! [slaps the female agent again] Here's a little reach around the back of the head slap! [slaps the female agent, then slaps Mr. Kelly. Mrs. Gueermo rushes in to intervene and take the slaps] Mrs. Gueermo: Oh God, please, you have to get away! He won't ever stop! [he slaps her seven times] Mr. Gueermo: Awww. I'm going slap-happy! [chases after the agents and slaps them several more times before they finally reach their car] I'm going slap, slap happy! Slappity slappin' you, teachin' you a lesson for coming in my house! [the agents pull away quickly. He notices his next door neighbor looking on from his own doorway] What are you looking at, Robertson? [in a flash he slaps Robertson three times, and just as quickly he's back inside his house and closes the front door.] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, next day, hallway. Bebe has something to say. Bebe: They're here! The audition results for the school musical are in! [the kids react and gather round the results sheet on the bulletin board. Butters is on a stool checking out the results for everyone] Butters: Hey, you got the lead, Wendy. [the girls congratulate her and Wendy says something in reply] Clyde: Who's the male lead? Butters: No surprise there. It's Bridon. [the boys and a few girls congratulate Bridon, who stays quiet] I get to be a stand-in! [moments later Wendy catches up to Bridon. Stan looks on from a distance] Wendy: Congratulations, Bridon. Guess we'll be working a lot together. Bridon: [not enthused] Yeah, great. Stan: God damn it! [walks away. Next scene is him walking down the hall] No matter what I do, this kid just won't stop. [some kids look at him and decide to follow] And now they're gonna be in a show together? Jesus, it's all over for me. [the kids begin to snap their fingers] They'll probably even have a kissing scene. What did I do to deserve this? And what am I suppose to do now? [he stops, the kids stop walking but continue snapping their fingers. Soon they smile in anticipation...] Sooooomeooooone's in the kitchen with Dinah, [the kids' anticipation fades. Stan isn't singing as they'd hope he would] Someone's in the kitchen, I know. Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah Strummin' on the old banjo and go and Fee, fie, fiddle-e-i-o. Fee, fie, fiddle-e-i-o-o-o-o. [Wendy, Bebe, and some other kids arrive] Fee, fie, fiddle-e-i-o. Strumming on the old banjo jo jo... Go tell Aunt Rhodie Go tell Aunt Rhodie Go tell Aunt Rhodie The old gray goose is... Happy Birthday to you Happy Birthday to... [no one is making a sound. Stan puts his hands in his pockets, hangs his head, then turns left and walks away] Scene Description: The Gueermo house, night. Mr. Gueermo is getting ready for bed... in an unusual way. Mr. Gueermo: You hear the rhythm. Now is the time, the tiiiiime. It's time to go to bed. It's time to call it a day. You can reach the stars and- Mrs. Gueermo: [enters in a panic] Oh please. You have to do something. Mr. Gueermo: What are you interrupting me for?! Mrs. Gueermo: It's our son, he's- he's running away. Mr. Gueermo: What?! [rushes downstairs and stops with flair behind Bridon, who's steps away from the front door] What's going on here, what's this all about? [brings his arms up and out, pointing to Bridon at the end with his left hand] What do you think you're doing? Bridon: Dad, I'm sick of you trying to always- Mr. Gueermo: Nono! Sing it! Bridon: [throws his duffle bag down] No! I'm sick of singing! Mr. Gueermo: Can you believe it? What'd he just say? What's the matter with kids these days? [fixes his gaze on his wife, who's terrified for a bit.] Mrs. Gueermo: [slowly, carefully] Kids these days. Mr. Gueermo: Kids these days! [Bridon ignores him and opens the door. His father flies through the air and slams the door shut with his body] Unh unh unh! Just go right back to your room and sing a ballad, mister! Bridon: Just let me go. Mr. Gueermo: Go ahead. Make my day. [gets down on his left knee and threatens] You get upstairs, or I will slap you until there's little red hand prints all over face! [Bridon punches him on the nose] Ow! [covers his nose and stands up] Oh my God, what was that? [runs to his wife] Did you see that?! Oh my God it hurts so bad! [she punches him harder] Ow. What the "H" is going on?! [she punches him again, and he runs off, crying. Bridon looks on in awe] What are you doing?! Everyone's crazy! Scene Description: Stan's house, same night. He's on the sofa immersing himself in the High School Musical movies. Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, and Scott enter. Kyle: Well, I had to see it to believe it! Cartman: I told you guys. He's been watching High School Musical over and over again. Stan: Actually, this is High School Musical 2. It has a dance-along part. Kyle: We said we wouldn't be a part of this fad and look at you! Kenny: (Yeah, look at yourself, dude.) Stan: Look, you guys might be fine with being outcasts and hanging out with Scott Malkinson, but I'm not! Kyle: You know what? At least Scott Malkinson has some self-respect! At least Scott Malkinson doesn't cave into peer pressure and start doing musicals! Stan: Scott Malkinson has a lisp and diabetes! Nobody's gonna let him do a musical! Scott: 'At's enough, you guysth, it's not cool. Lots of kids have diabetes, and you shouldn't be- Cartman: You shouldn't pick on kids with diabetes, that's not cool. I'm Scott Malkinson. Stan: Look, guys. [gets off the sofa and walks away from the other boys] The world is changing. We can't fight it, we have to change with it. I've been watching these movies, and from the looks of it, there's gonna be a lot more singing and dancing when we get to high school. [turns around to face them] And if you think we'll gain any respect by ignoring this thing and being individuals, then think about this: right now, [points to them] everyone thinks Butters is way cooler than any of you. Cartman: That's a low blow, Stan. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, the school gym. A basketball game is in progress, five on five. Mr. Mackey and Mr. Adler are doing play-by-play. "Rock & Roll Part II" plays from the speakers Mr. Mackey: Third team foul on Westchester Bobcats, m'kay. Ball goes back over to the Cows. Mr. Garrett: All right, you ready to get in there, Bridon? Bridon: [approaches wearing #11] I'm ready, coach. Mr. Garrett: Give 'em hell! [Bridon goes in and faces off against the Bobcats' #9. He tosses the ball over to #7, Bradley, and then notices his parents on the bleachers. His mom waves hi, his dad looks away displeased.] Mr. Mackey: Just a minute to go in the first quarter. [Bridon gets the ball back and shots from the top of the key for a 3 pointer. Everyone applauds him, but his father still isn't looking at him. Mr. Gueermo does, however, notice the crowd's excitement and soon gets into it himself. The song changes to "We Will Rock You" and the crowd gets into that with two stomps and a clap. Mr. Gueermo joins right in] Scene Description: South Park, next day. The kids are milling around the entrance, so classes haven't started yet. Bebe: Hey Bridon, how come you weren't at musical rehearsals last night? Bridon: I joined the basketball team. I gave up singing and dancing forever. I'm just not into it. Wendy: You gave it up? Stan: [walks into view with the other three boys] That's right. You know, sometimes you have to go with what your heart tells you. There's things we're all good at. And we just can't keep them bottled up inside. [music begins to play] 'Cause you gotta do what you wanna do. Don't let nothin' get in your way, chase your dream every day. [walks up to a boy and girl] True, girl, you know it's true, that if you really wanna be you, you've gotta do what you wanna do. [walks back to Bridon] He was unhappy 'cause he just wanted to play ball Cartman: [approaches two other kids] But he finally got the courage to answer his heart's call. Stan: Just like me, all I ever wanted was to sing and dance. And now that I stood up for my dream I finally have the chance. [the four boys form a chorus line and dance] Boys: You've gotta do what you wanna do. Even if other people don't really want you to. [Kyle whips off his hat while approaching two girls] True, girl, you know it's true, [returns to the chorus line] that the thing you wanna do is the thing that you should do. [Kyle dances away to two other girls] Kyle: Some kids think I'm strange 'cause I like studying for an exam But I don't let that bother me, because it's who I am. [Cartman dances over to two kids] Cartman: And I like nothin' better than makin' fun of Jews. And ripping on black people, though some people think it's rude, but you gotta- [rejoins the chorus line with Kyle] Boys:: Do what you wanna do. Just make sure that what you're doing is what's cool and popular with everyone Chew, baby, chew and chew. When you're eating jerky, if eating jerky is what you wanna do. Bebe: [arrives with Wendy, Red, and another girl during the song] Hey Bridon, can we watch you practice basketball? Bridon: Uhh, sure. [the girls follow him to the gym. The other students go their separate ways.] Kyle: Do what you want, don't have restraint. Cartman: Don't stress about it or you just might faint. Kenny: (If you wanna get high and jack off, it's cool.) Stan: Try to do what you wanna do! Boys: Do what you wanna do. As long as what you wanna do is what everybody wants you to. Glue, baby, buy some glue Just in case if what you're doin' [Stan continues singing, they all keep dancing] Stan: involves needing scissors and glue! Scott: Hey guys. Hey guys! [all stop. Stan looks around and doesn't see anyone else] Stan: Huh? [the other boys turn around] Kyle: Where did everybody go? Scott: The girls all wanted to go watch 'at Bridon kid practice basketball. Stan: But the girls like singing and dancing. Scott: No, I think the girls just like that Bridon kid, no matter what he does. Stan: But... No, we just... No, no wait. We just got good at this! Aw!.

Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, computer lab. Mr. Mackey is guiding the fourth graders through some computer operations by reading from a book. Mr. Mackey: Dialog Mr. Mackey: M'kay, now right-click on menu item "Equate O" and type in "input y". Kyle: Nah, dude. Are you on America's side, Stan? [looks like all the other kids are playing the same game: Call of Duty: World at War] Stan: No, I'm on the Japanese side. Cartman: Oh, who just shot me? [Bebe leans back in her chair, looks at Cartman, and gives him the finger] Mr. Mackey: M'kay, let's see, uh the right-click is the upper-right... [his voice trails off] uhhh, but then what the hell is the...? [closes the book and goes back to normal voice] Okay kids, I'm gonna need to get some clarification on this. Uh, just keep entering the calculations; I'll be right back, m'kay. Cartman: Oh dude, I wish I had a real flamethrower. It works awesome on Japs. Butters: [runs into the lab and hides behind the wall] Oh my God, oh my God! [runs up to Stan] Stan! Stan, we have a big problem. Stan: Dude, what? Butters: There's vampires in the school! Stan: What? Butters: Vampires. I've seen 'em. Stan: Dude, aw! Who's using the flak jacket cheat?! Red: Not a cheat if you rank up. Butters: Ugh. [goes over to Kenny] Kenny, there's a vampire on the loose. Then Katie Gelson was hanging out with him, and now she's a vampire too! Kyle: Butters, there's no such thing as vampires. Butters: [goes over to Kyle] But there is. You guys gotta believe me. First there was just a couple, but now it's like they're growing. They have fangs and drink blood and everything. Cartman: All right Butters, well you go document the vampires' movements so we know what their intentions are. Butters: Really? Do you think that's best? Cartman: Yeah, now get out of here. Butters: All right! [runs to the entrance, then turns around] If I don't make it back, tell my mom what happened to me. [turns back and runs out] Cartman: Oh-hohhh, you got pwned, Bebe, you Jap bitch! Scene Description: The school gym, day. Six kids sit on the bleachers in the otherwise empty building - four boys, two girls. They look somewhat like the Goth kids. Lead Vampire: Isn't this cool? This time of day nobody's in the gym. We should make this one of our official South Park Vampires Club hangouts. Spiky Vampire: That's an awesome new coat, Mike. Looks totally badass. Vampir: Don't call me Mike, my name is Vampir now. Spiky Vampire: Oh, that's cool. Midnight Vampire: [wears a coat showing arm bones] I'm gonna change my name to Vladimir. Vampir: You can't, it's too close to Vampir. [Butters rises up from one end of the bleachers just enough to see the vampire kids] Butters: [pulls out a tiny tape recorder and starts dictating into it] 12:32 p.m. Vampires meeting in the school gymnasium. Leader appears to be a fifth grader. Sparkly Vampire: You know that girl Bella in Twilight? I think I'm like her. I'm a psi vampire. Do you like these sparkles I got? Butters: [into his recorder] Annie Bartlett is a psi vampire. Vampir: Yeah, I'm more a sanguinarian vampire, in that I rely more on the life force energy, per se. Spiky Vampire: Heh, yeah, I'm gonna be a hybrid vampire, both psi and sanguinarian. Butters: That's Ryan Ellis. Looks like they've gotten to him too. Bloodrayne: Lunchtime's almost over. Should we drink some more blood? Other Vampires: Yeah! Cool! Vampir: Yeah, and then I think it's time for us to feed, per se. [opens a bottle of Clamato and pours some into the Bloodrayne's goblet.] Butters: Oh God I think they're gonna drink blood now. They've got some kind of chalice, and they're- [clock] uhn... [he's run out of tape. It rewinds to the very beginning and plays back] Tape: [Butters' voice] Toot toododoo! [Butters frantically presses buttons trying to stop the tape] It's the Big Texas Butters show! And now here he is, Big Texas Butters! Why howdy there, partners. I'm Biiig Texas Butters. And this is my horse, Toast. Happy Trails, to youuu! [he turns off the tape record, relieved. Until he looks around and jumps from being startled] AAHHH! Vampir: Ummm, what are you doing? Butters: [jumps away and whips out a golden cross] Get back! You stay back! Hwa! Heah! The body of Christ compels you! The body of Christ compels you! [runs away without his tape recorder] Hwaaaahh! Scene Description: The school hallway, later. Mike is at his locker Bloodrayne: That kid was really scared of us. Vampir: That's true, Bloodrayne. People are going to be frightened of us because they don't understand our ways, per se. Spiky Vampire: Yeah, we're cool, huh? [the Goth kids happen upon the Vampire kids] Pete: What the hell are those kids doing? Henrietta: Why are they all dressing like that all of a sudden? Pete: Are they trying to be Goth? Michael: No, they're vamp. They wear plastic fangs and drink freaking Clamato juice. Henrietta: But they can't dress like that. That's our style. Midnight Vampire: Hey, Tommy Petros is thinking he might wanna be a Vamp kid too. Vampir: Tommy Petros? Is he cool? Bloodrayne: Yeah, he's cool enough. Vampir: All right. [the Vamps and Goths face each other] Pete: So, all of a sudden you Justin and Britney wannabes think it's cool to dress like us? Vampir: We dress the way our souls feel, to express the darkness, per se. Michael: Aren't you Mike Makowski? Vampir: That's Vampir Makowski now. Henrietta: You kids need to all go put your freakin' Banana Republic clothes back on, right now! Sparkly Vampire: Hey, we're just as dark as you guys, maybe darker! Pete: Really. Do you guys even smoke? Vampir: Of course not. Smoking's bad for you. Other Vamps: Yeah. Pete: [buries his face in his left hand] Oh my God. Vampir: You know, you guys are really giving off a negative human energy. We prefer to take our darkness somewhere else, per se. Pete: All right, Count Fagula, you go do that. [the Vamps leave] Scene Description: Butters' house, after school. Butters runs inside in a panic, looks around, then heads for the sofa. Butters: Mom, Mom, I gotta tell you somethin'! You're not gonna believe it! Linda: [sewing a scarf] Not now, Butters. Your father wants to have a talk with you in the kitchen. He is not happy. Butters: Oh no, what'd I do this time? Linda: You just march on in there. Butters: [hangs his head and goes in] Oh jeez... Scene Description: The kitchen. Butters walks in and looks at Stephen, who's by the sink waiting with his arms crossed. To his left are a glass of milk and a box of Hamburger Helper. Stephen: You see this, Butters?! It's a glass of milk I poured for myself! And you see this?! [holds up the box] It's Hamburger Helper! Now would you mind telling me what Hamburger Helper is doing in this glass of milk?! [Butters begins to tap his fists together, nervously] Why is Hamburger Helper in a glass of milk, Butters?! Butters: I have no idea, sir. Stephen: I'll tell you why! [walks over to the pantry and opens the door] Our pantry is always kept organized alphabetically! But somebody put the Hamburger Helper where the Nestle Quik is supposed to go! Butters: Uh, I'm sorry, Dad. I-It's just I've been really preoccupied lately. See, there are these kids at school, they were- Stephen: What keeps a family together, Butters?! Butters: A well-organized pantry. Stephen: That's right! [starts throwing food out of the pantry on to the floor] If you keep putting food under the wrong letter, it all goes wrong! [stops] Now you will reorganize this entire pantry, and you will do it right! Butters: Well, okay, but, Dad, you've gotta listen to me. Kids at school are starting to change. They've been acting- Stephen: You do it right now or you're going to be grounded! You got that?! Butters: [hangs his head] Yes, sir. [Stephen walks away. Butters turns to the task at hand and begins putting stuff away] Jeez. Nobody will even listen to me. It's like nobody even cares if there's vampires at the school. I try to help and all I ever do is get hollered at. I bet vampires never get hollered at. Vampires just get to do whatever they want. [stops and thinks] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, next day, recess. The Vamp kids are on the merry-go-round gathered around Vampir Vampir: [reading from a book] ...All mortals share a soft repose,My soul doth dreadful vigils keep, More keen than which hell scarcely knows. Sparkly Vampire: What is that kid doing? Butters: [walks towards them with hands outstretched] Oh Jesus, oh God, Butters, what are you doing? [pulls out the crucifix he used on them a few days before and sets it down on the snow, then continues towards them, hands outstretched] I- I'm Butters. Vampir: So? Butters: O creatures of the night, I seek audience to engage with thee in unholy darnation and thus do... a-a-and thus do unto your bidding! Vampir: What? Butters: Oh, uh... I wanna be a vampire. Cowlick Vampire: You're not cool enough to be one of us. Butters: Yeah, I know, but uhhh, I think I would make a really good vampire if you just, well, just give me the opportunity. Vampir: We'll think about it. Go get us some sodas out of the pop machine in the commons. Butters: Yes! Yes, anything else? Midnight Vampire: I want some Cheetos. Butters: Soda and Cheetos, yes. I'll be right back. Scene Description: The Goth Corner at South Park Elementary. The Goth kids are listening to music as a soccer ball rolls to a stop in front of them. Singer: I'm not part of your society. I don't follow your fads and rules. Doctrines... Boy 1: [with dark blond hair] Where did it go? Do you see where it went? Boy 2: [with black hair] Yeah, it's right over there by those vampire kids. [Boy 1 retrieves the ball and walks away] Pete: [delayed reaction] What? Hey. Hey! We aren't vampire kids, we're freakin' Goths! Boy 1: Whatever, Dracula, why don't you turn into a bat or something? Michael: So lame. So... lame... Henrietta: You guys, I do not wanna be grouped in with douchey, little vampire kids. Michael: Sooo lame! [two Vamps walk out of the door behind him] Little Vamp: See? Isn't it cool back here? It's all dark and isolated. Shades Vamp: This would be a great place for a Vampire meeting. Henrietta: Get out of our space, you little twerps! Pete: More preppy straight-A students turning into vampires. What the hell is going on? Scene Description: The woods, night. Butters is walking through them with drinks and some food. He reaches a small campfire where five of the six Vamps wait for him. Vampir is missing. Butters: I have done what you've asked. [sets down the goods] A case of Dr Pepper and Cherry Twizzlers. Who are you gonna give this to? I-I mean, vampires can't eat people food. Vampir: [walks into view] You have done well. Are you ready to become one of us, per se? Butters: Yeah, I guess. Vampir: Are you sure? Because once you're in South Park Vampire Society, you can't ever leave. Butters: Well I'm sick of bein'- bein' pushed around. M-by my dad, by kids at school. Vampir: Then it is time for your transformation, per se. Let it begin! [they all walk away, leaving behind the Dr. Pepper and Twizzlers. They walk to South Park Mall] This way. Prepare thyself. [the mall is still open, so they walk over to Hot Topic and enter. The Vamps begin checking out clothes for Butters to wear as a new Vamp. The Midnight Vamp gets some fake teeth with fangs while the Cowlick Vamp gets some necklaces and rings. They outfit Butters with them. The Sparkly Vamp gets some hairspray and she and the Spiky Vamp spray Butters' hair with it. Bloodrayne measures him for collars and bracelets. Finally, all six Vamps step away, and a new Vamp is born] Butters: Whoa. Vampir: And now you shall drink vampire blood, and your transformation will be complete, per se! [walks away and pours out a bottle of Clamato juice into a goblet for Butters to drink] With this, thy transformation is done. [Butters takes a sip, then immediately spits it out] Butters: Oh, that tastes awful! Blagh, blagh. [the Vamps leave Hot Topic] Vampir: It is finished! Welcome, Butters, to the South Park Society of Vampires. [Butters begins to laugh, then cackle.] Scene Description: Butters' home, night. He walks into the living room, and Stephen runs up to him Stephen: There you are, Butters! Do you know what time it is?! Where have you been?! [Butters just walks by] Linda: Butters, what have you done to your hair? [Butters heads for the stairs] Stephen: Hey! Butters, we are talking to you! Explain yourself, mister! [Butters stops] Butters: I no longer need to explain anything to you, Father! Linda: What on Earth? Stephen: That does it! You are grounded for two weeks, you got that?! Butters: You can't ground me! For I am neither living nor dead! How can thy ground that which is... ungroundable. [smiles knowingly. His parents are perplexed] Stephen: All right, I don't know what's gotten into you, mister, but you're gonna- [Butters hisses at him] Ah! Linda: Butters? [Butters hisses at them a few times, and Linda clings to Stephen. Butters goes upstairs] Butters: I am going to my room now! For I must slumber, per se. [his parents are stunned and just look at each other.] Scene Description: Principal's Office, day Principal Victoria: Now, kids, I understand that you are very into this "vampire" thing, but I don't want to see it get out of hand. You kids need to understand that your new little fad is scary to some. Pete: ...Oh my God. You've got the wrong flippin' people. Michael: [slowly, for emphasis] We aren't vampires. Principal Victoria: I know that you aren't really vampires, and I appreciate that you wanna be cool because vampires are the "in" thing right now, but- Pete: We aren't trying to be popular! Principal Victoria: -but just make sure that this new little trend doesn't become a distraction. [the door opens behind the Goths] Mr. Mackey: [enters with Vampir and two younger Vamps] Here's a couple more, Principal Victoria, hm'kay. Vampir: Oh, oh no, are we in trouble? Principal Victoria: I was just telling your friends about what I expect of your- Michael: [slowly, for emphasis] We aren't friends! Vampir: Don't worry, Ma'am. As I was just explaining to my new minions, vampires are actually very spiritual and deep beings, per se. Scene Description: The waiting room outside the Principal's office. The Goths exit and immediately whip out smokes and lighters Michael: Allison Merch is a vampire kid now? This thing isn't going to stop. Pete: Let's just face it: they bogarted our style! Everyone's gonna think we're trying to be butthole vampires now. We might as well go to the freakin' Gap and just buy normal clothes. [they all look at each other thoughtfully] Scene Description: Goth Corner, a day or two later. The Goths are now dressed as normal kids, but their hair is still colored as before. Pete: Well, at least nobody can refer to us as vampire kids now. [the soccer ball bounces towards the Goth kids again and stops in front of Henrietta] Boy 1: It went this way? Boy 3: [with very short hair] Yeah, it's over there by that fat girl, the big-nosed kid, the midget, and the kid with pock marks on his face. [Boy 1 sees the ball, walks over, picks it up, and leaves] Michael: So we're back to that, are we? Firkle: Shit. Pete: [stands up] Let's get out of these freakin' Gap clothes. Scene Description: Cartman's room, night. He's asleep with the covers off. All of a sudden, Butters is perched on the inside of Cartman's window doors. The other one is open. Butters hisses. Butters: Sorry, Eric, but I am a vampire now, and I can no longer survive on human food. And if someone must die so that I can feed, I choose thee. [he jumps down from the window and hops onto Cartman's bed, ready to pounce on his throat. He wiggles his fingers, then relaxes them and grips Cartman's head and back] Hm, wonder which side I'm supposed to do it on, hm. Probably doesn't matter. [rears back and bites into Cartman's neck, making sucking sounds. Cartman wakes up and looks at him] Cartman: Butters? [Butters continues] Butters?! [Butters backs up and then hops off the bed] Butters: I can't do it. Ah, I- I can't do it! Cartman: Dude, gross, you got spit all over my neck! Mom! Butters just gave me a hickey! Butters: I'm so hungry, but just, just remembering how that blood tasted before ju- blood is all clammy and tomato-y. It makes me wanna... [he vomits on Cartman's floor] Cartman: Dude! [Liane enters] Liane: You all right, sweetie? Butters: [advances and hisses at Liane, then runs out through the window and crashes to the ground outside.] U-huh. [bumps into something] Ow. Liane: What's going on? Cartman: Well, Mom, apparently Butters is gay, finds me very attractive, and, confused about his sexual identity, puked up all over my floor! Liane: Oh dear. Cartman: Yes. Scene Description: Henrietta's room, later. The Goth kids are hanging out there. Michael: I walked into the cafeteria today. Rebecca Miller and Philip Russ were dressed like vampires drinking Clamato juice with four kids from the football team. Firkle: Jesus. Pete: It's like, there's more vampire kids every freakin' day. Why is this happening, I mean... why now? Michael: Doesn't matter why. Pretty soon, the whole school is going to be an endless hive of conformist happy-go-lucky vampire wannabes. Henrietta: It seems like that preppy Mike Makowski kid started all this. Maybe he's the way to stopping it. Pete: Whattaya mean? Henrietta: I mean, what do you do when you want to change vampires back to normal? You get rid of the head vampire. Scene Description: A car night. The Goth kids are in it, with Henrietta at the wheel Pete: Does your mom know you took her car? Henrietta: Do I care? Michael: All right, this is probably good enough. Pete: Yeah, pull over here. [Henrietta pulls over, and the Goth kids leave the car. Henrietta stops by the trunk and pops it open. Inside is Vampir, all tied up.] Vampir: [tied up and gagged] (Please, what do you want?! Let me go!) Michael: What should we do with him? Pete: Well, if he's a vampire, I guess we should drive a stake through his heart. Vampir: (No! I'm not really a vampire! I'm not a vam-, I'm not a vampire!) Michael: [leans in and puts his hand to his left ear] What's that? Vampir: (I'm not really a vampire.) Michael: You're not really a vampire? Really? I'm so freaking shocked. [moves off and joins the other Goths] Pete: If we get the right packaging, we can just FedEx him somewhere far way. Michael: How about we send him to Transylvania? Pete: No, he'd probably see it as something to brag about someday to his little vampire buddies. Henrietta: If we're gonna send him somewhere, it should be the most horrible, most miserable place on Earth. Goths: [after a few seconds of contemplation] Scottsdale. Scene Description: The Stotch house. Butters' parents are upstairs. Linda is pounding on the door trying to get Butters to open it. Linda: Butters, we just got a call from Mrs. Cartman. Butters? [tries to open the door, but finds it locked] Unbelievable! He's locked the door. [She and Stephen change places and Stephen tries opening the door, but it won't open. He pounds on the door.] Stephen: Butters, this is your father! Explain why you snuck into another boy's bedroom and gave him a hickey! [Butters is in his bed, his arms crossed over his chest. On the headboard are four lit candles. He's hyperventilating] Butters?! Butters, you will open this door right now! Butters: What have I done to myself? I should have known I wouldn't have the stomach to be a vampire. I am so hungry. Stephen: Butters, you have five seconds to unlock this door! [counts up with his fingers] One! Two! [the door is unlocked and opened a little. Stephen pushes the door in and it creaks. Stephen and Linda enter slowly. They see his window is wide open and he's not in bed. There are lit candles everywhere] Uhh, Bu-Butters? Butters: Hey Dad. [he's crouching on top of his bookcase and startles Stephen] Stephen: AAAARH! Buh. Bu-Butters, did you get gay with one of your schoolmates tonight?! Butters: I have to eat! But I can't do it. I'm getting weak. Stephen: [angrily] All right! Now you listen, and you listen good! Until you stop behaving this way, you are not going to leave this room! Do you understand?! Butters: Dahhh. [hops down from the bookcase and tries to hop onto his toy box, but he trips and lands on the floor. He gets up, climbs onto the toy box and crouches on the window sill, and hisses at them] I know now what I have to do! [hops down to the ground outside] Myah! Linda: [walks over to the open window] Stephen, what has happened to our boy? Stephen: [joins her there] He's become something, Linda. Something that... we cannot ground. Scene Description: Village Inn, night. The Goths are inside drinking coffee and moping around Michael: I just. Don't. Get it. We sent the head vampire kid to Scottsdale, but still more and more kids are dressing up like vampires. Henrietta: He must not have been what was causing it. It must be something else. Waitress: Hey you kids gonna order any food or just sit there and drink coffee all night again? [pours them another round] Henrietta: Leave us alone! Waitress: Bad enough I always get stuck with you Goth kids, now I got Goth kids in my entire section. [she points to them with her left thumb; there are two booths bursting with Vamps. One has seven Vamps, the other has nine] Pete: They aren't Goth! They're douchey little vampire kids! Waitress: Looks the same to me. Pete: I bet they aren't even drinking coffee. Waitress: [turns to face the Vamps] No, they said they're too young to drink caffeine, so they're havin' orange juice. [turns left and walks away. Pete drops his head on the table and keeps it there] Henrietta: Let's go over there and tell them they're not taking Village Inn from us too. Pete: Forget it! It's over, all right? There's too many of them now. We can't stop them. Let's just face it. Freakin' vampires beat us. Butters: Maybe not. [hisses. He's on all fours on the ledge behind the booths] Did you say you're trying to get rid of the vampires? [crawls closer to the Goths] I want to help you. Henrietta: Get away, douchebag. Butters: Some legends say that if you destroy the vampires' lair, the vampires go back to being human again. Pete: What are you talking about? Butters: I can take you... to the place where kids are being transformed into vampires. [the Goths look at each other] Scene Description: South Park Mall, sometime later. Butters leads the Goths to the Place of Transformation, Hot Topic. Pete: Awww, Hot Topic? When did this open? Butters: Two weeks ago. It used to be a Banaaana Repuuubliiic. Michael: Of course. Freaking Hot Topic. That explains everything. Pete: How did we not figure that out? Of course a new Hot Topic must have come to town. Duh! Henrietta: Well, I think we all know what has to be done. Michael: Yup. Pete: Let's get to it. [they turn and head into the store. They get aerosol cans and fan out across the store, start spraying, and light the sprays with their lighters, turning the cans into makeshift flamethrowers] Singer: Burn down down, burn down Hot Topic. Don't let it steal your soul away. Burn down, burn down Hot Topic. Light the fire. Take control. Burn down, burn down Hot Topic. Don't let it take your soul. Burn down, burn down, burn down Hot Topic. And take control. Burn down... Hot Topic. Burn it down... Hot Topic. Scene Description: While the song is playing, the following happens: Michael is the first to torch some clothes. Henrietta follows with the belts and scarves. Pete begins to torch the jewelry Clerk: Hey, what the hell are you doing?! Pete: You should probably get out of here. [Firkle torches some clothes. Henrietta torches the fake teeth and products with fangs on them. Michael torches the sign announcing 25% off body jewelry and fashion belts. Outside, Bloodrayne and the Spiky Vamp arrive in shock] Spiky Vamp: What the hell are they doing?? Butters: They're putting an end to it! [the clerk runs out of the store] Clerk: AAAAAAAAAAAAH! [the Goths continue torching the store until it's thoroughly engulfed in flames, then they walk out and leave. The Hot Topic sign above the entrance crashes to the floor.] Scene Description: The Stotch house, night. Linda is sewing again, Stephen is reading the South Park Gazette. Butters: [enters the living room happily] Mom, Dad! [closes the front door, runs to the sofa, and stands on the sofa between them.] I changed back! Stephen: What? Butters: Goth kids burned down the Hot Topic, and sure enough, soon as they did I tried eatin' a hot dog and it tasted good. My vampire teeth even fell out when I bit into it. I'm human again! Linda: We have no idea what you're talking about, Butters, but we're glad you're home. Stephen: That's right son. There's only one thing I care about. Butters: What's that, Dad? Stephen: Well, would you mind telling me why there's Rice-A-Roni in my coffee?! Butters: Uh oh. Stephen: Butters, you are grounded! Butters: Aw, dang it![walks up the stairs to his room.] Stephen: It worked, Linda. Our son is groundable once more. [they hug each other] Scene Description: The South Park Elementary School gym, day. The Goth kids address the rest of the school, who are seated on the bleachers Pete: [at the mic] Fellow students. Over the past week there's been a lot of confusion, and so we have asked for this assembly to clarify the difference between Goth kids and Vampire kids. Let us make it abundantly clear: if you hate life, truly hate the sun, and need to smoke and drink coffee, you are Goth. If, however, you like dressing in black 'cause it's "fun", enjoy putting sparkles on your cheeks and following the occult while avoiding things that are bad for your health, then you are most likely a douchebag vampire wannabe boner. Because anybody who thinks they are actually a vampire is freaking retarded. [everyone begins to applaud the speech. During the applause, Michael steps up to the mic and gives everyone the finger] Michael: Fuck all of you.

Scene Description: Clyde, Cartman, Stan, Kyle, Token, Jimmy, and Craig are at the school cafeteria, looking at someone from across the room. Cartman: Would you look at that? It's just incredible, isn't it? Stan: I still can't believe it, even though it's right there in front of me. Kyle: Yeah, it's just so astounding. Cartman: Well, believe it friends. The impossible has happened. [the boys are looking at Kenny and a girl eating alone together at another table.] Kenny has a girlfriend. Craig: Yeah, a fifth-grade girlfriend. Kyle: This is serious. They've been going out for almost two weeks now. Jimmy: Well, so, w-who is she? Cartman: Her name's Tammy Warner. She's the only girl in school whose family is actually poorer than Kenny's. It's really kind of beautiful if you ask me. Butters: [runs up to the boys' table] Hey, you guys! You guys, I think we have a big problem! Stan: What? Butters: [panting softly] Well, apparently Kenny has a girlfriend! Stan: Yeah, dude, Tammy Warner. She's a fifth grader. Butters: Um, does Kenny like her? Kyle: I guess so. She's, like, his first real girlfriend ever. Butters: Oh, no. Oh, geez! Cartman: [getting irritated] Butters, what's the problem? Butters: Well, I just talked to Brad Dixon. Tammy Warner is bad news. All the fifth graders call her a slut, on account of she gave this kid Dave Darsky a B.J. in the parking lot of TGI Friday's. Kyle: What?! Butters: It's true! Ask anybody in fifth grade. "Tammy Warner is a total slut!" Cartman: That bitch! Kenny gave his heart to her, and she's just gonna throw it in his face! Jimmy: Well, Kenny deserves to know, fellas. If you guys found out my girlfriend was a raging whore, I'd want you to t-tell me. Stan: [sighs] All right, come on, guys. [leaves the table with Kyle and Cartman.] Butters: Hey, Jimmy, what's a B.J.? Scene Description: At the school hall, two girls walk by. One of them chats away at the other. Girl 1: So, anyway, I passed him a note, but then Johnny... [Kenny walks alone down a different hall. Stan catches up to him] Stan: Kenny! Hey, hey, Kenny! [Kyle and Cartman are with him] Kenny: (Oh, hi, guys.) Stan: Listen, Kenny, we need to talk about your new girlfriend. Kenny: (What about her?) Stan: [sighs and lowers his head] Oh, boy. Kyle: Kenny, we know you really like this girl, but... Kenny: (But what?) Kyle: W-well, we've heard that she's... Cartman: Kenny. [deep sigh, puts his right hand on Kenny's back for sympathy] Your girlfriend is a notorious whore. She even gave a kid named Dave Darsky a B.J. in the parking lot of TGI Friday's. Kenny: [afraid, high voice] (Huh?) Cartman: Your girlfriend's a slut, dude. Kenny: (Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo-hoo! Yeah, hey, yay!) [jumps for joy, dances down the hall, makes a right and runs off.] Cartman: [moments later] He took it pretty well. Scene Description: Tammy is at her locker putting some books away. Kenny skips around the corner, sees her, and runs up to her. Kenny: [cheerfully] (Hey, Tammy!) Tammy: Hi, Ken. You decide what you wanna do after school? Kenny: (Yeah, I was kinda thinking we could go to TGI Friday's.) Tammy: TGI Friday's? Kenny: (Yep. I like the food!) Tammy: Yeah, okay. But... [walks away a few steps] Kenny. Listen. Uh, there's somethin' I need to talk to you about. There's a lot of rumors goin' around about me, that I agreed to give a boy a B.J.? Well, it's true. [Kenny dances with glee, but Tammy doesn't see this. She gets apologetic] But it was before you and I were together, and it wasn't my fault! [Kenny stops dancing] See, I was watchin' the Disney Channel, and that show came on with the Jonas Brothers. Kenny: (Jonas Brothers?) Tammy: You know that teenage boy band? Every time I see them I get so tingly. I just completely lose control. [Kenny starts dancing again] And then Dave Darsky showed up and took me to TGI Friday's, [Kenny stops] and it just happened. But it was only for one second, and I had my eyes closed. I know it's terrible. Can you... can you forgive me, Ken? [Kenny walks up to her, puts a consoling hand on her shoulder, and sighs] Scene Description: At the Ticketmaxx store, Kenny is at the counter making a purchase. Clerk: There you are, young man. Two tickets to the Jonas Brothers concert. Kenny: (Thanks.) [turns around and walks out with his tickets] Scene Description: Outside, Cartman, Stan and Kyle wait for him. Cartman: The Jonas Brothers? Dude, Kenny, what the hell is wrong with you? [Kenny continues walking, the other three join him as he walks across the parking lot] Kyle: Aren't those the queermos on the Disney Channel? Kenny: (Yeah. Tammy said if I got her the tickets for the concert, she would give me a B.J.!) Stan: A B.J.? Kyle: You want Tammy to give you a B.J.? Kenny: (Of course, dude!) Cartman: [forcibly stops Kenny] Kenny! You're gonna let a girl put her mouth on your wiener? Do you know how disgusting that is? Girls' mouths are full of germs! Stan: Yeah, dude, that's gross. Kenny: [turns right and leaves the other boys behind] (I don't care. I've gotta get some protection.) Kyle: What kind of protection? Scene Description: At the drugstore, Kenny walks into it towards the counter. The other boys follow him in. Kenny: (I'd like a box of condoms, please.) Clerk 2: Box of condoms. Certainly, little boy. What kind would you like? Kenny: (Uhm, I'll take one of those.) Clerk 2: These here? Why, certainly. [The Clerk reaches for a box on a rack and hands it to Kenny. Kenny reads the cover: "Big Mamba. The world's #1 condom. Trusted for over 50 years."] Kenny: (Cool!) [Kenny pays for the condoms and turns to head out the door] Kyle: Kenny, aren't you a little young for this? Kenny: (No, I'm not young and I want a B.J.) Cartman: [reaches out to Kenny and stops him] Just because you have condoms doesn't mean you're safe, Kenny! Statistically speaking, the most bacteria-ridden place on the planet is the mouth of an American woman! And you're gonna let that near your penis? Kenny: (Yep! Woo-hoo!) [skips away] Scene Description: The Denver Pepsi Center, night. The Jonas Brothers are headlining. Inside is a stadium full of tween girls all cheering for the Jonas Brothers to come out. Tammy: Go, baby! Whoooo! Kenny, you're the best for bringing me here. Isn't this awesome? [the lights go out and cameras begin to take pictures of the stage. Soon the stage lights come up and the Jonas Brothers appear. The girls go wild] Scene Description: First song. Joe Jonas: I'm ready to get it on. But there's no gettin' on until I'm ready. Too soon, slow down. Take it easy, oh, my girl, I need your love. Bay-bay! Jonas Brothers: I can't wait till the day I kiss you. Until then I have to tease you. 'Cause my mom doesn't like it when I'm naughty. She'll make me clean my room if I'm naughty. Joe: Bay-bay! I'm hot. Nick Jonas: He's hot. Scene Description: In the audience during the song. The girls react in various ways. Tammy first looks on, then shrieks uncontrollably. Little Girl: [putting her hands over her crotch] My 'giney tickles! [she scratches her crotch to stop the tickles. Most other girls do the same thing] Tammy: [grabs onto Kenny's parka] Oh, my God. It's that tingling again. [a girl has left her seat and is in an aisle gyrating her butt up and down. Tammy gets up on her seat and screams towards the band] I love you! [she's shocked at what she just said, then begins dancing in her seat. Kenny sits in his seat unenthused, wondering when the payoff is coming.] Scene Description: Second song. Joe: Tell me how was I to know? Jonas Brothers: You'd take your love and go. Joe: Was it 'cause I wanted to wait till we were married... Jonas Brothers: To put my arm around you? Joe: The seasons change. Kevin Jonas: Bay-bay! Joe: And the world goes round. Nick: The world goes round and round and round. Scene Description: In the audience during the song. The girls continue cheering. Tammy stands on her seat, speechless. A little girl runs up on stage, hugs one of the singers, and is hauled away by security. Tammy dances again. Scene Description: Third song. Jonas Brothers: Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna take my time. Can't wait 'til you are mine, but it might be a while. 'Cause, yeah yeah, girl, we can take it slow, so we have room to grow. And then someday we can get it on. Until then, go back to Montreal. Joe: 'Cause I still love you, bay-bay! Nick: Love you, bay-bay! Kevin: Bay-bay! Scene Description: In the audience during the song. A girl is carried out on a stretcher. Tammy: Whoooooo! [a toddler makes her way towards the stage by climbing over the rows of cheering girls] Aaah-oww! You're so hot, Kevin! I love you, Joe! Mr. Slave: JESUS CHRIST! Jonas Brothers: Good night, Denver. We love you all! [skips off the stage] We love you, Denver! [skips off the stage] Good night! [skips off the stage] Scene Description: The stage lights go down, the stadium lights come up, and the girls begin to file out of the Pepsi Center. Tammy: Oh, my God, I am so worked up! I just want to attack you, Kenny! Kenny: (All right! Come on, let's get to the parking lot. Woo-hoo!) [grabs her hand and they walk towards the exit] Usher: And, uh, you too, little girl in the red. Tammy: [looks over her shoulder] Huh? Usher: Band would like you to come backstage. You, too, little girl in the puppy T-shirt. [the blonde girl looks down at her shirt, shrieks, and makes her way to the usher] Tammy: They want me to come backstage? Oh, my God! Kenny: [pulling at Tammy] (No, no, we're going to your place now!) Tammy: It's a dream come true! [Tammy lets go of Kenny and goes down the aisle towards the usher] Kenny: [gives chase] (Hey!) Usher: All right, right this way, girls. Roadie: Yeah, come on in everyone. The band is waiting for you. [quickly blocks Kenny from entering.] Uh, not you. [kicks Kenny aside a few times] Kenny: (No, fuck that, dude! I bought the fucking tickets!) [the roadie closes the door and Kenny starts pounding on it] (Hey! What the fuck?!) Roadie 2: [in a sensuous voice] The Jonas Brothers will be right out, girls. [leaves] Girl in Puppy T-shirt: Why do you think they called us back here? Fat Girl: They must-a wanna have sex with us. Tammy: What? You think so? Fat Girl: Sure, they're a band. They called us back here so we can give them blowjobs. Girl in Puppy T-shirt: Well, I'm not doing it! Just 'cause they're rock stars doesn't mean I'll do that! Girl in O T-shirt: Yeah, I'm not giving a blowjob to anybody! Tammy: Me neither. [suddenly the brothers appear] Jonas Brothers: Hey, there, girls! [all of a sudden the girls' mouths pop open as their jaws drop. As the brothers talk, they strike poses] Joe: Hey, listen, we saw you out there in the audience. Nick: Yeah, you were getting a little crazy out there. Fat Girl: Let's just get to the blowjobs. Joe: Blow whats? Kevin: [to his brothers] I don't know. [to the girls] Look, we called you back here because we want to share our love of Christ with you. Nick: And see if you'll wear purity rings from now on. Tammy: [perplexed] Purity rings? Joe: We all wear purity rings. It means we are going to be pure and not have sex until we're married. Kevin: And it means we stay away from bad stuff and avoid people who swear and watch naughty TV shows. Nick: That's just how we roll. Kevin: Yeah. Nick: Yeah. [they high-five each other. In a wide shot, we see Kenny peering in on the exchange through a transom window.] Joe: So, what do ya say, girls? You wanna be kid hipsters like us and wear purity rings too? The Girls: [mesmerized] Okay. Kevin: And be sure to give a ring to all the kids you care about, 'cause it's the hip new way to roll. Scene Description: The neighborhood bus stop. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman wait for the school bus to arrive. A somber Kenny walks in from right of frame. Cartman: Well well well, here he comes. It's B.J. McKay and his best friend Bear. Stan: So how did it go last night? [Kenny breathes in deep and sighs, takes off his left glove and shows the other boys the purity ring Tammy gave him] Kyle: What's that? Kenny: (A purity ring.) Cartman: Purity ring? Kenny: (Yeah, it's a purity ring.) Kyle: ...Well, what does that mean? Kenny: (It means I'm gonna be pure and not have sex until I get married.) Stan: Dude, you? We thought you really wanted to have a B.J. before you got too old an- Kenny: (I did! I was really excited to get a B.J. but now I have to wear this motherfucking purity ring!) Kyle: Alright alright Kenny, calm down. You're too young to be getting B.J.s anyway. It's good you and Tammy are making a commitment to each other that isn't based on sex. Kenny: (Yeah.) [Kenny crosses his arms and tries his best to be agreeable with Kyle, but looks at his left ring finger and uncrosses his arms, breaking the act] (It isn't fair I was so close to getting a blow job and I'll never get one now - this is fucking bullshit...) [Kenny walks away bawling. The other boys just watch him leave] Scene Description: The neighborhood park. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are playing basketball with Craig, Clyde, and Token. Kyle tosses the ball to Craig, who tosses it back to him. Kyle then tosses the ball to Token... Butters: [runs up to the boys] Fellas! Hey fellas! I heard that Kenny is still going out with that slut Tammy Warner. Kyle: Yeah, but it's okay Butters. They have purity rings now. Butters: Uh, what's that? Stan: They're rings that says they're not gonna have sex or do anything naughty anymore. Butters: [gets pensive] Huh... a ring that says you'll be together but not have sex... Isn't that called a wedding ring? [Stan and Kyle look at each other] Scene Description: Montage. Jonas Brothers: I've got a ring on my finger to remind me what I cannot do. Can't just do whatever I feel like, I've got to stay right, just and true. I can't hang out with my buddies and get into trouble, 'Cause now we're both wearing these rings for each other. But who needs sex and drugs and partying When we can cook a meal, then sit around and watch Netflix... Bay-bay! I've got a ring on my finger to remind me that I must behave. No need to chase after girls; it's a promise I can never break. I made a commitment and it is forever, So we can spend every waking minute together. And if we get bored it won't be a problem, 'Cause we can just hang out with other couples who wear these rings... Bay-bay! Scene Description: Kenny walks down a side street alone. He looks at his purity ring, still on his finger. Joe leads the Jonas Brothers in a song. Kenny looks out the living room window as Stan, Kyle, and Cartman toilet-paper the houses across the street. Kenny visits Tammy and they both stare at their rings. Kenny stares from afar as Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Butters, Craig and Jimmy put the finishing touch on a snowman - a huge penis and set of balls, propped up by a twig. Kenny walks off, unable to enjoy the project. Kenny and Tammy eat frozen dinners at her table as she studies. Kenny and Tammy watch TV on her sofa, but Kenny is bored and has his head resting on his right hand. A shot of the Jonas Brothers. Kenny looks at two sluts walk by, his left hand stretched out. They ignore him. Kenny and Tammy stand in the middle of the Farmer's Market as people walk by around them. Kenny is back at Tammy's eating frozen dinner. Another shot of the Jonas Brothers. Kenny and Tammy sit on a bench at Stark's Pond. They're in Tammy's living room watching TV again. Now they're in a group meeting of purity couples. Purity Boy 1: Yeah, we found out that once you wear purity rings, it's best to hang out with other couples that do. Got more in common. Isn't that right, Sarah? Purity Boy 2: You know? What Carole and I enjoy is Grey's Anatomy. We love Grey's Anatomy, don't we, Carole? Purity Boy 3: We adore Grey's Anatomy, don't we, Nancy? Nancy: Adore it. Kenny and Tammy, do you watch Grey's Anatomy? Purity Boy 1: We look forward to it all week long. [chuckles. Sarah laughs with him] Purity Boy 3: Sure is sweet. Purity Boy 1: It's the most fun I've had in weeks. [laughter] Jonas Brothers: I've got a ring on my finger to remind me what I cannot do. What I cannot do. Bay... bay... Baaay... Baybay. Baybay. Baaaybaaaaay. Scene Description: Turns out the Jonas Brothers were shooting a video. Director: Aaand cut. Great video shoot, guys. Joe: This is bullpucky! Kevin: Yeah, we've had it, Goshdarnit! Director: Uh oh, looks like we've got a problem. Scene Description: The director's office, moments later. Joe: Our decision is final! We have decided, as a band, not to wear purity rings anymore! Kevin: Yeah, you tell 'em, Joe. Disney Exec 1: Boys, I know you're tired, but the purity rings are important to the company's image. Joe: We don't care about the company. Director: And you're gonna say that to the boss's face? Kevin: We aren'-we aren't afraid of him. Disney Exec 2: Well, I hope you're right, because the boss is on his way here. Now. Disney Exec 3: [looks out the door] Oh Jesus, he's here. The boss is here! Kevin: Let's be strong, guys. Disney Exec 3: [opens the door just a crack and looks out again] Hello sir. How was your trip? [the door flies open and in walks a swaggering Mickey Mouse] Mickey: [looks around] What's all this I'm hearing about not wearing the purity rings, haha? Director: Uh we'll just leave you alone. [he and the other executives clear out of the room] Mickey: So uh, I guess we have some issues, haha? Kevin: We... need to talk about something. Mickey: Oh boy! I just love flying all the way to Colorado to hear about your problems, haha. Joe: Look, we just want our concerts to be about our music, and not about purity rings. Mickey: Oh Gosh, fellas, let me explain this to you one more time. You have to wear the purity rings because that's how we can sell sex to little girls, haha. See, if we make the posters with little girls reaching for your junk, then you have to wear purity rings or else Disney Company looks baaad, haha. Joe: Well we don't wanna be selling sex to little girls anymore. Mickey: The rings stay on! Joe: Well, well, maybe we'll just refuse to go onstage. [Mickey walks over and punches him in the balls. Joe groans and falls forward to the ground] Mickey: [Mickey kicks Joe's his body with every accented word] You DON'T... FUCKING...TALK to me...Like THAT, haha. You LITTLE... PIECE of... SHIT, Haha! [Joe coughs up some blood] Get the fuck up. Get the fuck up! Haha. [Joe begins to stand, then gets some help from his brother. Mickey wipes his gloves clean] Now, do we have a problem?! Haha. Nick: No, sir. Kevin: No, Mr. Mouse. Joe: [softly] No, Mr. Mouse. Mickey: Oh, that's good, 'cause I thought we had a problem for a minute there, haha. [heads for the door] Alright now, get out there and make me some Goddamned money! Haha. [shuts the door behind him as he leaves. A picture of the brothers falls from the back of the door and shatters on the floor.] Scene Description: A bookstore, day. Kenny looks at some Jonas Brothers DVDs. Kyle walks into view in the fiction section. Kyle: Yup, he's in here. [Stan and Cartman appear behind him, then they all exit frame, reappearing at the video section.] Stan: Dude, what the hell are you doing, Kenny?! This is the day we were supposed to throw cow turds at cars together! Kyle: We've had just about enough, dude! You've been blowing us off for two weeks now! What's up?! Kenny: [unusually resigned] (Look at this. More DVDs.) [shows the DVD to the guys] Cartman: [takes the DVD and looks at the front cover. Kenny freezes with his left hand held out] Grey's Anatomy?! Kenny! What kind of douchebag garbage are you watching?! Stan: Come on, Kenny, this isn't you. We want you back, dude. Cartman: [notices that Kenny has stopped responding.] Kenny? Kenny? [snaps his fingers] Kenny? [snaps his fingers again] Wanna look at Playboy? [snaps his fingers again] Wanna, wanna get high sniffin' paint? Kenny? Stan: [takes the DVD from Cartman and hands it back to Kenny] You want your Grey's Anatomy back, Kenny? Kenny: [starts responding and takes the DVD] (Oh, Grey's Anatomy. Cool! Oh man, this is a great season. Look at all this stuff, so cool.) Stan: [takes Kyle and Cartman aside] You guys, I think this is serious. There's something really wrong with him. Kyle: It's that ring. Somehow, putting on that ring has turned Kenny into a boring turd. Cartman: [notices something on the shelf next to him] Oh my God, look at this! [grabs it and looks at it] Motherfucker! Stan: What? [he and Kyle walk up to get a better look - it's Teen Pop Magazine with Jonas Brothers on the cover] Cartman: "Jonas Brothers talk music, faith in God, and purity rings." These Disney douche bags are the ones causing all this! [throws the magazine to the floor] Kyle: Yeah, this all happened the day after he went to that concert! Stan: All right, come on guys, we're not sitting back and watching our friend die! [he and Cartman leave. Kyle stays in place a while, then walks back to Kenny, patting him on the back] Kyle: Hold tight, buddy. We're gonna find a cure for you. [runs off to catch up with the other two boys. Kenny is left caressing the DVD] Kenny: (Yeah...) Scene Description: A morning show airs, its graphics showing up first. Announcer: Live from Five News Studio in Colorado, it's Good Mornin' Denver. Host: We are joined this morning by the Disney supergroup the Jonas Brothers. Hello boys. [the girls in the audience begin to shriek. Each of the brothers holds a mic] Joe: Hello. Host: Now, tell us what you're doin' here in Denver, guys. Joe: Uh, we're gonna be doin' a live concert from Red Rocks tonight that will be live-broadcast on the Disney Channel. Mickey: [in the control tent with an engineer] In 3-D. Don't forget to mention in 3-D. Kevin: Oh, oh-and it's gonna be in 3-D. [the girls shriek again] Host: Now, guys, a lot has been made about your "purity rings". Can you tell us about those? Joe: Well. Um. [Joe holds up his left hand, palm in, to show off his ring. His brothers do the same seconds later] We, we wear these to symbolize how pure we are and how we ...um don't approve of things that are naughty or filthy. Mickey: Yeah, that's good. Get a close-up on their purity rings. Close-up on the purity rings, haha. [the engineer responds] Host: That's wonderful, boys. [the camera zooms in on Joe's left ring finger, on which his purity ring rests] It's good that little girls can see a concert and not have it be about sex. We understand that at the concert tonight you'll be dousing girls in the audience with white foam. Is that correct? Nick: Uh huh. Joe: Yeah. Uh huh. Kevin: Yeah. Nick: Yeah. Host: Well can you give our audience a peek? [to the audience] What do you say girls? Do you want the Jonas Brothers to douse you with their white foam? [the girls shriek again. The brothers whip out some high-pressure hoses with bags of foam attached to them and proceed to spray the audience with streams of white foam. One of their songs plays in the background] Mickey: Oh boy! This is TV gold, haha. [Stan, Kyle, and Cartman enter the street and make their way through the audience] Stan: Excuse us. Excuse us. Girl 2: Hey, what do you think you're doing?! Host: That's great stuff, boys. You like takin' the Jonas Brothers' hot foam in your faces, girls? Cartman: Hey! Hey, those Jonas Brothers are assholes! Stan: Yeah, their purity rings turned our friend into a douche! Joe: Huh? Kyle: What the hell do you think you're doing spreading this crap to kids?! Mickey: [takes notice] Who the hell are these guys? [takes off his shades and tosses them aside] Are they from DreamWorks? Goddamn Eisner trying to hurt this company again, haha? Cartman: This whole thing is a freaking sham! I see what you're doin' now! You're tryin' to sell sex to young girls and then confuse them by [a dart strike him in the neck and knocks him out quick] teh- ...tehhhh [falls on his face] Kyle: Cartman? Mickey: You aren't ruining my plans this time, DreamWorks, haha! [drops a dart into a blowpipe] Stan: Dude, who the hell did that? [a dart hits him in the neck] Hwa? [another one hits Kyle in the neck] Kyle: D'ow... [they both fall over unconscious.] Scene Description: Some time later, the boys are just now coming to. A POV shot. One of them has opened his eyes and his vision is quite fuzzy. Voices and noises echo around him. Voice 1: Fifteen minutes, that's fifteen minutes, people! Voice 2: Get another mic on that drum kit! Mickey: They almost ruined everything, haha. How did something like this happen, haha? [walks up and gets in the boy's face] Wake up. Wake up, you little prick! Haha. [the boy is alert now] Who do you work for? DreamWorks? [cut to a wide shot revealing a disheveled Stan being held up by his hat. Nearby, Cartman and Kyle are still unconscious.] Answer me, haha! Stan: We... don't work for anybody. Mickey: [lets Stan's head drop to the floor] Oh boy, I sure believe that, haha. [Cartman wakes up. Kyle stirs] You just tried to ruin Disney Company's big night for your own amusement, huh?! Haha. Cartman: The hell did you do to us?! Mickey: SHUT UP! [kicks Cartman in the balls, making him sit on his ass] Haha. Scene Description: Red Rocks, that night. The concert begins. Announcer: And now, Disney Channel presents... the Jonas Brothers 3-D concert spectacular! [the graphic says "the 3D Concert Experience"] Live from Red Rocks Amphitheater in Colorado! [the young girl fans are there cheering and wearing 3-D glasses] Male Host: Truly a night of magic as we're set for the biggest concert event of the year! Female Host: In about ten minutes, the Jonas Brothers are going to take the stage in what Disney is calling "the most pure and innocent rock event of the millennia." Scene Description: A Christian living room. Blonde Girl: Do we put the 3-D glasses on now, da-da? Father: Not yet, Katie. Male Host: Everyone around the country is tuning in to see Disney's latest kid pop stars. Scene Description: Tammy's living room. She and Kenny sit apart. Kenny: [depressed] (And not getting a blowjob...) Male Host: We understand the Jonas Brothers are getting ready. What's going on backstage must be exciting. Scene Description: Backstage. Mickey is facing the boys with a chainsaw in hand. He revs it up. Mickey: You'd better start talkin', haha! [Stan covers his face, then removes his hands] You'd better start talkin' right now, haha! Stan: We told you: we aren't working for another studio and there isn't a plan to sabotage your big night. Kyle: We came on our own 'cause our friend's purity ring is killing him. Mickey: You're lying! I'll cut you up, haha! Joe: You see? We were right about the purity rings! A nice Christian symbol can't be used for profit gains. Kevin: We've all angered God. Mickey: [walks up to them with the chainsaw and revs it up against the boys, who cringe a bit] You think God is in control here, haha?! I am in control! I've been in control since the '50s in case you haven't noticed, haha! [throws the chainsaw aside] You three faggots are going onstage, and [points at the boys] YOU three faggots aren't going to stop me! NOBODY IS RUINING THIS EVENT!! Haha. I've worked too long and too hard to have anybody [Kyle notices he's next to the mic control desk and surreptitiously turns up the Mic 1 slider] fuck this up! [this causes Mickey's voice to be heard by the audience, who quiet down] Where would you be without me, Jonas Brothers? Haha. Your music sucks and you know it! Haha. It's because you make little girls' 'ginies tickle! And when little girls' 'ginies tickle, I make money! Haha. And that's because little girls are fucking stupid! Haha. And the purity rings make it okay to do whatever I want! Haha. Even the Christians are too fucking stupid to figure out I'm selling sex to their daughters! I've made billions off of Christian ignorance for decades now, haha! And do you know why?! [Cartman sees the curtain control button and presses it. The curtain rises revealing Mickey Mouse to the audience] Because Christians are retard-ed! Haha. [Mickey is facing the boys, so he doesn't notice anything happening behind him yet] They believe in a talking dead guy! Haha. [having heard his own echo, he blanches and turns around. He now sees the audience] Ohhh. Haha. Hello, folks. Audience: BOOO!! Mickey: Now now, take it easy, haha. Here's the Jonas Brothers. Joe: Come on guys. [the brothers turn left and walk offstage and the booing continues] Mickey: No! Stop! Bring them back here! Roadie: It's over, Mr. Mouse. Everyone's tuning out. Mickey: NO! NO GODDAMNIT! NO! SHUT UP! SHUT! UP! AAAAAAGH! [Mickey suddenly blows up to a height of some 40 feet and starts breathing fire on the audience. The girls scatter] Father: [walks up to the TV and turns it off] That's it girls. No more Disney TV for a while. Scene Description: Channel 4 Breaking News. Reporter: Tom, the Disney Jonas Brothers 3D Television Special has failed, costing the Disney Company millions, and once again Mickey is pissed off and throwing a fit. Mickey: [floating over the city like a Thanksgiving Day float] Vengeance is mine! You are all ants and I am your destroyer, haha. Reporter: The Disney purity ring venture will now most likely prove a marketing bust, as Mickey returns to Valhalla to slumber and feed. [Kenny offers Tammy the Grey's Anatomy DVD, but she looks at her purity ring] Tammy: Aw Ken, look what we've become. We're way too young to be this boring. Kenny: (I agree. Let's put in this DVD and watch Grey's Anatomy.) Tammy: No! I don't want to watch Grey's Anatomy, Ken. Let's take off these rings, Ken. Kenny: (Take off the ring? You can take off the ring??) [throws away the DVD] (Really?) Tammy: Let's take them off and just be kids again. There'll be plenty of time to wear rings and be boring and lame when we reach our late 30s and we're boring and lame anyway. Kenny: (Yeah. Screw this crap!) [as one they take off their rings and throw them to the floor and hug each other] Tammy: Oh I feel better already! Kenny: (Me too!) Tammy: What say you and me... go to TGI Fridays? Kenny: [jumps for joy] (Woo-hoo!!) [takes her hand and runs out the door with her] Scene Description: A funeral, some days later. Father Maxi is leading the service. Father Maxi: And so, as we commit this young child to the earth, let us all be reminded that syphilis is still a deadly disease, and it can be caught even if using protection. This young boy learned the hard way that there's no guarantee... For the world of oral sex is a world... Cartman: [during the eulogy] I told him... A woman's mouth is the most germ-ridden place on earth, I said. Statistically the most unsafe place for a man to put his penis, I said. Kyle: Well, now we know. Cartman: And knowing is half the battle.

Scene Description: South Park, night. A shot of a newspaper, the South Park Herald. Some headlines are: "Crime Rate Up," "No End In Sight!!" The camera zooms out to reveal the newspaper lying on the street, hanging over the curb. Dramatic music plays as a car zooms past the paper. Cartman: [voice over] The city isn't what it used to be. It all happened so fast. Everything went to crap. It's like... everyone's sense of morals just... disappeared. Bad economy made things worse. [A shot of Tele's TV store "Closed until further notice due to BAD ECONOMY"] The jobs started drying up. Then the stores had to shut down. [a shadow runs across the screen, in a cape. Next scene: an alley looking towards the street. An Obama poster for CHANGE is shown, with WHEN? spray-painted over the word] Then a black man was elected President. He was supposed to change things. [the shadow climbs up a pipe and runs across the roof of the building opposite the alley entrance] He didn't. [next shot is that of a street under a threatening red sky] As more and more people turned to crime and violence the town becomes gripped in fear. Dark times. The city needs protection. [another alley. An aluminum trash can falls over, spilling its contents. The shadow appears on a wall, larger than life, then runs away] There is an animal that lives by night, searches the trashcans and cleans out the garbage. [A rain gutter is shown. The shadow runs across the screen again, closer to the camera] To clean out the trashcan of society I've chosen to become more than a man. [another rooftop. The camera finds the shadow and zooms in on it.] I'm the hero this town needs. I am... [the shadow turns and is lit up. It's Cartman dressed as...] the Coon! [Cartman looks up to the sky, and graphics for "The Coon" pop up. Next scene, the Coon runs down a street and leaps onto the roof of a car] As the world plummets into despair the Coon fights to keep order intact. [he leaps off the car] Scene Description: A park bench in the city. A couple sits on it, the partners gazing into each other's eyes. Josh: Lisa I had a really great time tonight. Lisa: I did too, Josh. Josh: Would you... mind very much if I kissed you? Lisa: Not at all. [they start kissing. A pair of binoculars spies them from some distance.] The Coon: [voice over. The Coon is on the roof of a public restroom house looking through the binoculars] A woman being raped. This is what our city has been reduced to. When the money goes, the raping starts. Women are helpless... without the Coon. Lisa: O-hoh, yes Josh. Yehehessss! The Coon: [leaps into action] Let her go! Josh: [points to himself] 'Scuse me? The Coon: You aren't raping anyone tonight! Josh: Oh, it's a talking squirrel. [The Coon runs at him, leaps onto the bench, and starts clawing at him] Oh! Lisa: Ah! Josh: Oh! Ow! Wugh! Oh! The Coon: [stops clawing and says to Lisa] Get out of here! Get to safety! [Lisa gets up and runs away screaming. The Coon gets back to clawing at Josh] Josh: Ugh! L-lisa! Call me! Oh! Ow! The Coon: [voice over as he leaps off the chair and runs off] Another woman saved from rape. But how many more rapists are out there? Josh: [gently stroking the cuts] Oh that really stings. Scene Description: Park County Police Station, night. Officer 1: Here's that file on the Rodriguez case, detective. Sgt. Yates: Alright, things are pretty quiet out there, boys. Let's try to get caught up on some paperwork. Murphy I want you to- [his eyes widen at something behind Murphy. It's... The Coon, perched on an open window. Murphy turns to look and does a double-take] The Coon: Don't let the city's peacefulness fool you, commissioner! It's too quiet. Sgt. Yates: Oh, not this kid again. Officer 1: Hey, you get out of here. Out. The Coon: There was another rapist in the park tonight. [jumps into the station] It's no coincidence. It must be a rapist plot and it stinks to the top. Sgt. Yates: What? The Coon: I think the Mayor might be involved. It's my theory she might have a lesbian lover who's holding her leash. Sgt. Yates: Jesus Christ, [looks at the other detectives] can we get a lock on that window? [he turns to look at the Coon] Look kid, you need to stop- [his eyes widen again. Murphy looks over his shoulder again - The Coon is gone, and the window curtains softly sway] Officer 1: He's gone. The Coon: [steps out from behind a file cabinet at the other end of the floor] No, I'm just over here now. [all the detectives turn to face him] What do we know about the Mayor's sexual preferences? Sgt. Yates: Alright, listen: you have five seconds to leave or we're gonna put you in the jail and call your parents! Officer 1: Jail's full, sir. Sgt. Yates: Whatever. Then we'll just put you in- [is surprised again. The other detectives are also surprised, as the Coon isn't by the file cabinet anymore.] The Coon: [appears by the window again] Now I'm back over here. Sgt. Yates: [walks towards the window] Just get out of here before we-! [another surprised look. The camera looks at an empty floor space] The Coon: I'm right here now. [the camera moves to the right until he appears] Sgt. Yates: All right, stop it! The Coon: Yes, I have to go now. [turns to the window, reaches over and grabs a box, and carries it over to the officers] But in the meantime I have something that might interest you. [turns and walks back to the window] Make sure all your men get a look at these, detective! Sgt. Yates: What's in here? [two of his officers walk over to open the box. The window is shown again and the Coon is gone. The officers open the box and pull out some shirts - "Who is the Coon?" and the Coon mask are on the front of the shirts] Scene Description: Neighborhood bus stop, day. Stan, Kenny, and Kyle wait for the bus. Cartman walks up to them. Cartman: Hey guys. Good morning. [the guys don't respond to him at all] You guys... hear that another rape victim got saved by a superhero last night? They say it was the Coon. Stan: Who's the Coon? Cartman: I know, right? [enunciating] "Who is the Coon?" It's what everyone must be asking themselves. Somebody is dressing up at night and taking the law into their own hands. As for me, I certainly don't agree with the Coon's reckless ways. If you ask me, there's no room in this world for vigilantes. I believe the Coon is a menace. Kyle: ...Yeah, and dressing up and running around at night is faggy anyway. Cartman: [stunned, turns to Kyle and points] You're a fag, Kyle! Fuck you! Kyle: ...Dude, what?! Cartman: He's not a fag! Kyle: Why do you care? Cartman: [straightens up and moves off a bit] Oh. I uh... well I ah ah [crosses his arms] I'm just... I'm just mad 'cause you should never use the term "fag," Kyle. That's a hate word. And it's insensitive to butt pirates. Anyway, what do you think about the Coon, Stan and Kenny? Do you think he's the savior this town needs or do you think he's a dangerous vigilante? [neither of them answer him] Kenny? Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Cartman is giving an oral report on the Coon, in the form of a FAQ. Cartman: And of course the most common question asked is, just who is he? [he's wearing a "Who is the Coon?" shirt] Is he a hero or a menace? [half the class is bored, and Clyde is asleep at his desk. Mr. Garrison reads quietly at his desk] While we can all admit that the Coon is obviously really cool, we should also be asking each other... "Why does he care so much for the people of this town? Why does he sacrifice himself every night to rid our streets of crime? And does he really have the right?" What we all need now- [spots the sleeper] Clyde? Clyde, could you wake up please? This is important. [Clyde wakes up and looks around in a daze] What we all need now is PROOF... that the Coon exists. I believe that tonight from approximately 5 to 5:45 the Coon is going to be on the roof of Walgreens. I know I'll be there with my camera. And I'm sure... many of you will, too. Scene Description: Walgreen's rooftop, that night. The Coon stands near the edge of the roof waiting for spectators. The Coon: [voice over] Sometimes it seems the more criminals I try to stop, the more just come out of the back alleys and dilapidated bars. The city is a dying whore. She calls out to me to save her. And I don't know if I can. But she is still my city. [another little superhero walks up to the edge of roof a few feet from the Coon] And I cannot just sit and watch as innocent peole are- [the Coon notices] Who the hell is that? [looks the new hero over a few times, then walks up to him and asks] Who the hell are you? M: [this hero wears an M on his shirt and a ? on his hood] I'm an angel keeping watch over the city at night. As violence and darkness take over the streets, I work to rid this city of crime. I'm the symbol this town needs. The Coon: Aw nonononono, I am the symbol this town needs! [M ignores him] Dude, seriously, you can't do that! Go home! I was, I was doing this first! M: Nuh uh. The Coon: Yeah huh! You heard of the Coon and now you're being a copycat. Is that your name? Copycat? M: I am Mysterion. The Coon: Mysterion? That's fucking retarded! You just gave yourself away, Craig! Only you would think of a name that dumb! Mysterion: I might be Craig, and then again I might not be. My identity must remain a secret. You cannot know. The Coon: Yeah? Well you cannot know my true identity either. Mysterion: I assume you must be Cartman, because you're fat. The Coon: [thinks for a few seconds] Well you're wrong! I'm not Eric Cartman and he's not fat! Care to guess again?! Mysterion: I really don't care who you are. The Coon: Oh all right Kyle! Yeah, took me real long to figure it out! Only you, Kyle, would be a buzzkill, and try to steal my thunder! You don't care about stopping crime, you're just doing this... 'cause you hate me, Kyle! Mysterion: Kyle hates Eric Cartman. Are you saying you're Eric Cartman? The Coon: No, I'm no- I [makes his voice gruff again] I'm sayin' that... Goddammit Stan is that you? It is you, isn't it? Clyde? Clyde, you're not a superhero, I am! Mysterion: I cannot stand here and make idle conversation any longer. The city needs my help. There are innocents to protect. [leaps off the roof and out of view] The Coon: NO! Dude, I'm seriously! You're being a copycat! I'll sue you! [no one replies] Motherfucker! Scene Description: South Park Elementary playground, day. The camera looks at various kids at play. Cartman: [voice over. He's seated alone on a merry-go-round] Which one of them is it? Somebody is dressing up and pretending to be a superhero! But who? Has to be one of the guys in my class, 'cause only they knew that the Coon would be on the rooftop of Walgreens. [shuts his eyes] No, stop. Can't think about that right now. Have to focus. [opens his eyes, keeping a look of determination on his face] Tomorrow is the most important day in the Coon's life. Everything the Coon has lived and fought for comes down to tomorrow. Concentrate. Scene Description: Tomorrow arrives, and the Airport Hilton is shown. Event for that day, Coonicon. Scene Description: The Airport Hilton. Inside, The Coon has set up a convention for himself. A framed poster announced the Coon, Live and In Person. The Coon: [alone in the room] How is it that nobody came to Coonicon 09? This is just, this is fucking ridiculous! Maitre D: Got everything you need here, sir? Okay on beverages, buffet items? The Coon: Yes, it's fine! Maitre D: Great. Hey, I just want to say that the Airport Hilton really appreciates your continued business. The Coon: What do you mean "continued"? You don't know who I am! Maitre D: Aren't you that little boy who had his ginger pride rally and his AIDS benefit here, before? The Coon: No, I'm not that kid! Maitre D: Oh. Oh oh really? Oh my bad. I'm actually relieved. That kid was kind of a douchebag. The Coon: [looks back at him] You're a fucking douchebag! Get outta here! Scene Description: Cartman's house, night. Cartman returns home from the Coonicon depressed. He walks in slowly and kicks the door shut. Cartman: [sadly] Hunh! Liane: Oh, hello sweetie. What did you do today? Cartman: I got boned! That's what I did, Mom! I try to do good stuff and nobody even notices! Liane: [puts her left hand on his right shoulder] Aww, what happened, hun? Cartman: I can't tell you what happened 'cause it's about my super secret double life! Scene Description: A Channel 9 Newscast begins. Anchor: Tonight an incredible story of an unknown child in South Park who has taken to the streets in an effort to fight crime. Cartman: [suddenly hopeful, looks at the TV] Wha, what? Anchor: But who exactly is... Mysterion? [a silhouette appears, but it doesn't look like the Coon's] Cartman: [angrily] What?! Anchor: Curious crowds in the town of South Park, Colorado. [people mill around looking for pictures of Mysterion to take] They've brought binoculars and camera phones trying to get a shot of a mysterious superhero. Man 1: Uh, he was dressed mostly in black with a kind of... cloak. Woman 1: He jumped down from the fire escape stairs, and then he just ran off. We barely got a look at him. Man 2: To me it looked like Mysterion to me. Everyone who's seen Mysterion, say yeah! Crowd: Yeah! [the man grins, showing off some gold teeth] Man 3: Well I, I think he's kind of a symbol for the town, you know? A, a symbol that everyone who's sick of crime can uh can rally behind. Cartman: Fuckin' butthole! Man 4: [behind the wheel] Well if you ask me, he's a menace. There's no room for vigilantism in today's world! Reporter: [showing some "AMATEUR SKETCH" images worthy of a graphic novel] This artist rendition of Mysterion has already generated thousands of copies. Cartman: You gotta be kidding me! Reporter: As hundreds of people gather to try and get a glimpse of the superhero, one question remains: Who is Mysterion? [everyone around him begins to ask the same question] Anchor: If you have any idea about the true identity of Mysterion, please call the 9 News Hotline. Cartman: [shakes in anger] AAAAAHT!! [turns right and leaves in a huff] Scene Description: News stand, night. The headline on today's South Park Herald: "Who Is Mysterion?" The camera pulls back to reveal Mysterion looking around and running down the sidewalk across the street. Mysterion: [voice over] I could no longer sit by and watch as my city became a cesspool of crime. [a shot of City Hall. Mysterion appears on the roof by the dome] I have lived in South Park all my life. I decided it was up to me to keep this town safe. [he leaps off the roof and soon climbs up a rain gutter] Nobody at school knows my double life. To them, I'm just another fourth grader. But tonight, I am Mysterion. [climbs in through a window ...into the police station.] Scene Description: Park County Police Station. Sgt. Yates: Oh, Mysterion, thank God you've come. What news do you have? Mysterion: There's some graffiti on the bridge again. I think those sixth grade kids are doing it. And the guy at the movie theater is harassing Mexicans again. Officer 2: We'll get right on it, Mysterion. Thank you. Thank you for all your help. [Mysterion climbs out the window and goes down the fire escape ladder. The officer walks over to the window] Godspeed, Mysterion! Sgt. Yates: You are a beacon of hope in an otherwise bleak and dreary world! [as Mysterion walks away from the police station, the Coon jumps into his path.] The Coon: Dude, seriously? I'm gonna kick the shit out of you if you don't stop! Mysterion: This city needs my help. It cries for protection and I will- Mysterion, The Coon: Answer the call to save her. The Coon: That's what I'm supposed to say! I know it's you, Kyle. Just stop! Mysterion: I don't have time for this. [brings out some fireworks and lights the fuse. He drops the fireworks on the ground and leaves. They pop up and deter the Coon from following him. When the smoke clears the Coon looks around and doesn't see anyone.] The Coon: Fireworks are illegal in Colorado, you asshole! [to the officers on the second floor] Hey, he's got fireworks! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. A pissed-off Cartman, wearing his "Who is the Coon?" T-shirt, walks down the hall until he finds his classmates. Cartman: So, guys! Any of you do anything interesting last night?! Stan: Not really. Cartman: Really?! Nobody was playing with any fireworks?! [grabs Stan's right hand and sniffs it vigorously, then lets it go and looks around for other suspects] Stan: Dude, what the hell? Cartman: Aha! Kenny! I should have known! [walks over to Kenny's locker and points] Why do you have a picture of Mysterion in your locker, Kenny?! [points at Kenny] Unless you are Mysterion! Stan: [opens his door to demonstrate something] Dude, I have a picture of Mysterion in my locker too. Clyde: Yeah, so do I. Cartman: What?! Why? Clyde: I don't know, it's just a cool costume. Cartman: It's not a cool costume! He just wears his underwear over his buttfucking pants! Now, come on, which one of you guys is it?! Wendy: [walking by] How are you so sure Mysterion is a boy? Cartman: [gasps and walks away a bit to watch Wendy leave] Fucking bitch... Scene Description: U Stor It storage facility, night. Two pigeons perched on the top of the sign suddenly take wing. The Coon: [voice over] I had no choice. [he peeks out from behind a building, then runs] I was at the end of my rope. [he hears a sound and turns to its direction] Sometimes when a superhero needs answers, he has to turn to the wretched underbelly of society. A Voice: Hahahahahahahahaaa... Look what the cat dragged in. The Coon: Come out where I can see you! A Voice: What's the matter, Coon? Nervous? The Coon: [voice over] I didn't want to resort to this, but he could have the answers I need. A Voice: How utterly delightful! The heroic and mighty Coon [Professor Chaos leaps into view] come to put a stop to me again. The Coon: [voice over] Chaos. I need to keep on my toes. [speaks] I'm not here to stop you this time, Chaos! I need information. Professor Chaos: Oh I'm sure you do. But you see I [almost trips on his cape] whoop. [recovers] But you see I also know you like to beat me up. The Coon: I didn't call you to fight, Chaos! I came to see if you know Mysterion's identity. [the two adversaries begin to circle each other] Professor Chaos: Oh I'm close. And I'll put an end to him, and all of you goody-two-shoe heroes! The Coon: I'm not on his side! Professor Chaos: Do you think I'm a fool?! All those times you stopped me from my acts of evil! All those times you tricked me into meeting you, and then ga- and then gave me titty-twisters! Not this time, Coon! I finally learned my lesson! Now, General Disarray! [General Disarray holds a rope on the roof behind the Coon at the end of the storage building. He jumps down and swings towards the Coon and knocks him down] Yeah-ha! [General Disarray tries to keep the Coon on the ground.] The Coon: That's it! [stands up] Professor Chaos: O- oh careful General Disarray. The Coon: Agh- Stop it! You, you... butthole! Knock it off! Professor Chaos: Hehyeah! We beat him, General Disarray! [General Disarray has the Coon in a choke hold] The Coon: Listen to me! I want to... help you... get rid of Mysterion! Professor Chaos: Let him go, General Disarray! [General Disarray lets go and hops off. Professor Chaos puts his fists to his waist] Why would you help us?! The Coon: Because Mysterion is trying to [bumps General Disarray off. General Disarray strikes a couple of trash cans and gets up a bit dazed] You fucker, that fuckin' hurt! [turns towards Professor Chaos] Because Mysterion is trying to say he's the hero this town needs! But that's my job! Professor Chaos: But you both fight for justice and good. The Coon: Yeah, but he's a fuckin' dick! I want him gone just as much as you do! Professor Chaos: Very well. I will show you what we know about Mysterion's identity, but if this is some kind of setup- The Coon: N- I'm the good guy, Chaos. I don't betray people. Professor Chaos: Weh- oh yeah. [turns and walks away. General Disarray walks away also, and the Coon follows them] The Coon: [voice over] I didn't like having to work with this scumbag. But I knew Mysterion was out there, plotting his next move. Scene Description: Kyle's room, night. Kyle sits at his desk deep in thought. Mysterion: [on Kyle's bed] Hello Kyle. Kyle: [looks, then jumps in his seat] Whoa, what the? Mysterion: Do not be afraid. I mean you no harm. Kyle: Hey. Hey, you're that Mysterion kid. Mysterion: Yes. But now I believe someone is trying to learn my true identity. Kyle: Dude, everyone's trying to figure out who you are. Mysterion: [turns away from Kyle] I cannot be unmasked, for then I would stop being a symbol. I need help. Somebody who can do background checks for me, do some investigating. Kyle: Who? Me? Why? Mysterion: Because I think you are the smartest kid in class. [looks over his shoulder. Kyle just stands there.] Scene Description: U Stor It storage facility, night. Professor Chaos: This way! We will now show you our secret headquarters of DOOM. The Coon: You guys have your own storage facility? Professor Chaos: Actually it belongs to General Disarray's grandma, um but she lets us use it. [General Disarray removes the lock from the unit and tries to lift the door. Professor Chaos helps him out and holds the door open as General Disarray and the Coon enter, then enters and lets the door drop closed behind them. Professor Chaos leads the Coon through the unit] This is where we come up with all our evil plans. Here's our computer relays. [a TV on a large stereo console with a toy keyboard attached] And this is like a, a cube of chaos that can destroy the world in one second! [an unsolved Rubik's Cube under glass, on a table from which a sign hangs: WARNING DO NOT TOUCH!] And here's some of our evil minions! [hamsters] We have everything we need here. Can I offer you a Coke or a Sprite or something? The Coon: I'll take a Sprite. Professor Chaos: Uhget the Coon a Sprite, General Disarray. [General Disarray leaves to get the Sprite while Professor Chaos takes the Coon to a wall with pictures of the other guys in class on it] As you can see we too have been working hard on Mysterion's identity. The Coon: You have an entire wall dedicated to Mysterion? What about...? Do you, do you still have that "Who Is The Coon?" T-shirt I gave you? Professor Chaos: Oh yeah, I think it's around here somewhere. Uh, using our photos we are tryin' to pinpoint Mysterion's identity. The Coon: Why is Cartman crossed out? He, he could be Mysterion. Professor Chaos: No, he's too fat. Based on his body type it's gotta be someone like Stan or Kyle. [The Coon turns away, insulted, but his eyes pop open as he sees who the Coon suspects are: Harvey Fierstein, Cartman, and Bruce Vilanch. It just makes him angrier] The Coon: Alright, al, alright, alright, look, Chaos. Just set up a video camera. I know how we can put an end to Mysterion once and for all. Scene Description: Channel Nine News splash screen comes up. Anchor: The clock is ticking and the citizens of South Park are gripped in fear. Two days ago an evil unknown terrorist threatened major consequences if Mysterion [a pic of Mysterion appears] does not reveal his identity. Professor Chaos: [from his headquarters, reading a prepared statement] Mark my words, South Park! Your precious hero is now, uh, your undoing! If Mysterion does not unmask himself publicly by Wednesday night, I am going to blow up... a hospital. Blow up a hospital? [looks off to his right] I'm not gonna blow up any hospital. Are you nuts? What? [turns to the camera] Uh, the choice is yours, Mysterion! Unmask yourself or hundreds will die! Hahaha. [looks off to his right again] Jesus Christ. Anchor: Since the threat was issued there has been no sign of Mysterion. Where is Mysterion? Anchor 2: [through his teeth] Where is Mysterion? Scene Description: On the first floor of a construction site. Chaos, Coon, and Disarray are there with lots of TNT piled up around them. There are no walls up, so the floor is open. Professor Chaos: Hey Coon w-we aren't actually gonna blo- blow up anything, are we? The Coon: If you don't make good on your threats, Chaos, then what good are your threats? Professor Chaos: But you really wanna blow up a hospital? I mean, a-aren't you a good guy? The Coon: Sometimes blowing up hospitals is for the greater good, Chaos. General Disarray: [walks up to Professor Chaos] You know, I've been thinking: if we're really evil villains, then we should betray him, and blow him up with the hospital. The Coon: You know, you're a little scrotum-licker dude! Why don't you shut the fuck up?! [turns and runs to the edge of the floor] Alright Chaos, I'm gonna get the triggers for these things at ACE Hardware. Keep an eye on this stuff! [jumps down to the ground] Professor Chaos: Aww jeez General Disarray, this is a lot more than I ever really intended. [General Disarray almost loses his balance twice, but recovers both times] I mean, well I hate the world and all its puny inhabitants and all but, but blowin' up a hospital? It just seems mean. [a shadow spreads across the floor before them. They look towards the shadow's source and find Mysterion standing on a beam above them. Chaos gasps] Whoa. Oh hamburgers! General Disarray: AAAGH! [runs away to the other end of the floor and behind some boxes of TNT] Professor Chaos: Aaah, a m m Mysterion, I b-, I beg you, I mean ah, judahadahada... Mysterion: Why are you doing this?! This isn't your usual MO, Chaos! Professor Chaos: Whowell I b- Well I b- ah I just would jes one nigh-, and then the Coon saw it up and I wa able to, and was able to [begins to mumble and fade out] Scene Description: On the street below people walk along the sidewalks unaware of anything happening above them until a scream is heard. Professor Chaos: Waaugh! Man 5: What is that? Scene Description: On the construction site Professor Chaos and Mysterion fight. Man 6: Look! Mysterion and Professor Chaos are fighting! Man 7: Give him hell, Mysterion! [more people appear and begin cheering the fight. General Disarray returns to help Professor Chaos] Woman 2: Look out Mysterion! General Disarray is behind you! [General Disarray grabs onto Mysterion's left leg] Officer 3: Jesus Christ, we need backup out here! [a police car pulls up as he says this. A sniper tries to train his scope on Professor Chaos] Officer 4: I think I can get a shot at Chaos, sir. Sgt. Yates: [stays his officer's rifle] You think your bullets can hurt him? [Chaos and Disarray have defeated Mysterion, who lies unconscious on his back against some open bags of plaster. The crowd below gasps] Professor Chaos: Yeah, we did it! Man 8: [breaking the crowd's silence] He's dead. Mysterion is dead. Woman 3: Nooo... [begins to sob. Other begin to sob too] Reporter: The impossible has happened. Mysterion, beloved protector of the city, is dead. Who will save us now? Man 9: Wait! Look! [Mysterion begins to move and wakes up] Officer 4: He's all right! [the crowd cheers and the battle between Mysterion and Chaos resumes, with Disarray trying to restrain Mysterion. Mysterion throws him off, and Disarray runs away again] Cartman: [offscreen] Oh my God, look everyone, it's the Coon! The Coon: [walking up a ramp to the first floor] Fear not everyone! Coon is here to save the day. Man 10: Isn't that Bruce Vilanch? Man 11: Be careful Bruce Vilanch! There are superhumans fighting right over there! Professor Chaos: Okay sorry sorry! I'm sorry! I give up! Please, I give up! The Coon: Don't worry, Mysterion! [Mysterion gets off Chaos and Chaos stands up] The Coon will now help you! Professor Chaos: Well, wait! I thought we were workin' together. [the Coon punches him in the mouth] Waaa. [sprouts a bloody nose] Oh jeez, I think I broke a tooth. [covers his face, turns left and runs out of view, mumbling. The crowd cheers some more] The Coon: That was great teamwork, Mysterion. South Park is safe. Until next time. Mysterion: What next time? The Coon: Well, people are obviously so desperate to learn your identity that they'll do anything. Won't be long before the next villain comes along and threatens violence unless you take off your mask. [Mysterion gives this some thought.] Scene Description: Park County Police Station. Mysterion stands at a podium flanked by the Coon and the Park County police. Mysterion: Citizens, tonight has shown me I have no choice but to unmask myself. Sgt. Yates: Don't do it, Mysterion! If you show your identity we'll be forced to arrest you for being a vigilante! The Coon: Don't you think he knows that?! But superheroes know that sometimes you have to sacrifice yourself for the greater good. Man 12: Don't show your face, Mysterion! Man 13: You have to be a symbol! The Coon: So that the next terrorist can threaten South Park if he doesn't unmask himself?! Mysterion: No, it's true. As long as my identity is a mystery, this will just happen again and again. It has to end. I will show my face. [the camera zooms in on him as he gets ready to remove his mask. As soon as he shows his eyes and nose, the camera stops] Crowd: Ohhh. Man 14: [holding a camera] Well I'll be. The Coon: I knew it was you! 'Member I even said it before! Mr. Garrison: Wow, a kid from my class was Mysterion. Sgt. Yates: Well I'm sorry but you're under arrest. Take the kid to jail. [hands Mysterion over to Murphy, who escorts him away] The Coon: [voice over] My entire plan worked to perfection. [holds up his right hand] My work here is done. [leaps away, then appears on the roof of a building] With Mysterion out of the way the Coon can finally go back to keeping the city safe. [runs across the roof and leaps down, holding on to the sides of a ladder. He leaps off the bottom of the ladder and plants his right hand on the ground] Once again, I alone am the symbol this town can stand behind. [he eats a burger meal at a fast food restaurant] Every town needs a hero. [walks down a street towards sunset] Every town needs... a Coon. [looks back at the camera, then turns away and resumes walking. Last scene has the Coon riding down the street on his Big Coon Wheel tricycle]

Scene Description: A new building - South Park Bank Savings and Loans. A line of customers waits to advance. Stan and Randy are at the head of the line. Stan: Do I really have to do this, Dad? Randy: Stan, now more than ever you need to understand the importance of saving money. Stan: But Grandma said I could use this money to buy whatever I want. Benny: Okay, next please. Randy: Go on, Stanley. [Stan walks up to Benny's desk and takes a seat.] Benny: How can I help you, young man? Stan: I got a hundred dollar check from my grandma, and my dad said I need to put it in the bank so it can grow over the years. Benny: Well that's fantastic, a really smart decision, young man. We can put that check in a Money Market Mutual Fund, then we'll reinvest the earnings into foreign currency accounts with compounding interest aaand it's gone. [they look at each other for a long time] Stan: Uh, what? Benny: It's gone. It's all gone. Stan: What's all gone? Benny: The money in your account - it didn't do too well, it's gone. Stan: What do you mean? I have a hundred dollars. Benny: Not anymore you don't. POOF. Stan: Well, what can I do to get back my money-? Benny: I'm sorry sir, but this line is for bank members only. Stan: I just opened an account. Benny: Do you have any money invested in this bank? Stan: No, you just lost it all! Benny: Then please stand aside for people who actually have money with us. Next please. [an elderly woman steps up and bumps Stan out of the chair.] Stan: Hey! Benny: Hello Mrs. Farnickle, how are you today? Making a deposit are we? Great, we can just put that into your retirement account and make it go to work for you aaaaand it's gone. Mrs. Farnickle: What? Benny: Sorry, yeah, that's gone. Please step aside for people who actually have money with the bank. Next please. Stan: Dad! Randy: Hey I'm trying to teach my son the importance of savings. You already lost his money? Benny: Oh, Mr. Marsh, don't worry. We can just transfer money from your account into a portfolio with your son's- aaand it's gone! This line is for people who have money with the bank only. Please step aside! [both Randy and Stan are dumbstruck.] Scene Description: Breaking news. A 9 News Special Report graphic appears. Announcer: This is a 9 News Special Report. RECESSION: A NATION IN PERIL. Anchor: An economic crisis has hit South Park and the nation like never before. Another South Park bank has closed down, leaving thousands of people in debt. Mr. Garrison: [in front of a convenience store] It's just crazy, you know? Ev-everyone's affected by it. It's like all the money just... vanished. Stephen: [in front of the Stotch home] It's really terrifying. We... we've got no money to pay our mortgage now. We could very easily lose our house! Butters: [waves to the camera, but his face is blocked by the 9 News logo] Hi, Grandma! Darryl Weathers: First the money started goin', and now everyone's gettin' laid off work! They took arrr jawbs! Worker 1: They took our jobs! Worker 2: [shrieking] Derk er derrrrrr! Worker 3: Deeekerrdrrr! Worker 4: Deeerkerrrrrrdrrrr! Anchor: Just how far will the economy fall? We asked economic reporter Dan Banks for his assessment. [a shot of Dan, who raises a gun to his head and fires, shooting his brains out and falling out of view.] We'll have the rest of Dan's interview tonight at 10. Scene Description: The Marsh house, dinnertime. Sharon walks in with the simplest dinner: hot dogs and sliced tomatoes. Everyone has a glass of water or soda, Randy has a margarita glass. Sharon: All right everyone, eat up. [takes her seat] Randy: Aw Jesus Christ! Sliced hot dogs and tomato slices?! Sharon: You said we had to be careful with our money. I've got nothing for a food budget. Stan: Mom, Dad, how come there's suddenly no money? Randy: [grabs a hot dog from the platter] I'll tell you what happened, son. See, there's a bunch of idiots out there who weren't happy with what they had. [slaps the hot dog onto his own plate] They wanted a bigger house and materialistic things that they didn't even need- [grabs his margarita glass and rises from the table] people with no money who got loans to buy frivolous things they had no business buying. [walks over to a Margaritaville margarita blender and loads it with ice. A margarita mix is already in place in the blender] And these assholes just blindly started buying any stupid thing that looked appealing, [puts the ice scooper back into the ice bucket] 'cause they thought money was endless! [starts up the blender, which drowns out whatever he says for the next nine seconds] It goes back to when the government had the idea that everyone in America deserves to own a house. So we have people having a hard time paying their loans, [the blender stops] meaning less money coming in. [serves himself a margarita and places the blender back on its base] And the idiots couldn't see that by doing all this frivolous spending they were mocking the Economy. And they made the Economy very angry. [goes back to his seat with his margarita] We're all feeling the Economy's vengeance because of materialistic heathens who did stupid things with their money! Do you understand, son? [sips from his margarita glass] Stan: Yeah, I think I get it. Scene Description: The South Park Mall, day. Anyone who has something to say about the economy is preaching to the crowd gathered there. Orator 1: And so why is our economy failing us? Because the government kept interest rates too low for too long! The government took our economy for granted and now we are all here paying the price! How long will we sit and watch our economy fall... As the people we must... Orator 2: ...An angel came to me and so I say to you: Do not listen to the Wall Street brokers! For they are the ones that put us in this situation! Fat cats with corporate greed! They are the ones who knowingly drove us down this pathway of doom! Our responsibility is... Cartman: And where has all the money gone? It must have gone somewhere! The answer is obvious, my friends! It is the Jews! Covetous Jews who have taken all our money and hoarded it for themselves! Hidden all the cash in some... secret Jew cave that they built, probably back in the early 60s! It is the Jews, my friends, who are oft... Randy: [dressed in a drab green toga] There are different people casting all different kinds of blame from person to person. But the fault lies in all of you! [starts pointing at random people] YOU, who bought that three hundred thousand dollar house when you only had twenty thousand to put down? YOU, who bought that third car, even though only two people in your home drive! It is time to stop pointing fingers! [speeds up his rate of pointing] Finger pointing gets us nowhere, Steve! We have mocked our Economy. And now the Economy has cast its vengeance upon us all! Man 1: He's right. Man 2: This is the first guy to actually make sense. [more people are attracted to Randy's preaching] Randy: Yea, it is an angry and unforgiving Economy. To repent we must stop frivolous spending! Instead of paying for cable let us watch clouds! Instead of buying clothes, wear but sheets from thine beds! Cut spending to only the bare essentials! Water and bread and margaritas, yea. [everyone applauds softly] Scene Description: Sur la Table, day. Stan walks in with the Margaritaville and heads to the counter. Clerk: Hello young man, welcome to Sur la Tahbluh. Can I help you? Stan: Yeah, I wanna return this Margaritaville my stupid dad bought. Clerk: Oh, that's all we get anymore, returns. Could you please just put the receipt here on this tahbluh. [Stan tries to put the receipt onto the counter, but the large Margaritaville gets in the way. Stan then just reaches up and the clerk takes the receipt] Sorry, our computers are a little slow today. We need a new Ethernet cahbluh. Oh, I'm sorry, sir, I'd like to give you a refund but I'm afraid it's not doahbluh. Stan: What? Clerk: I said I'm not ahbluh, sir. You see, this Margaritaville was purchased with a payment plan? Stan: So? Clerk: Well an outside financing company handles those payment plans. Customers just pay for some of the machine and the finance company pays for the rest. Stan: Well can't I just return it and get the money my dad put in back? Clerk: [rests his head on his left hand] Hm... that's improbahbluh, [raises his left hand] but not impossibluh. I'm not really sure how it works; you'll, you'll have to speak with the people at the top. I can give you the finance company's address if that... agreeahbluh with you. [Stan just looks at him] Scene Description: South Park Mall exterior, just after sunset. Randy is on a table pacing back and forth, again dressed in a toga. Randy: We have become lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of the Economy! There are those who will say that the Economy has forsaken us! Nay! You have forsaken the Economy!! And now you know the Economy's wrath! O thoust can shop at a sporting goods store, but knowest thou that the Economy will take away thy Broncos' cap from thine head! [a shot of the Stotches in togas] Mock the Economy without fear! Thine own stockbrokers... now lie dead by their own hand and thou knowest that thy stockbrokers did not fear the Economy! Well here we are, my friends! You have brought the Economy's vengeance upon yourselves! Gerald: What can we do, Randy? Man 3: Yes tell us. Man 4: Tell us. Man 5: Tell us what to do. Man 6: Tell us, Randy, what we should do! Man 7: What should we do, Randy?! Randy: We must all wear sheets instead of buying clothes that need detergent! Instead of cars that take gasoline we can... get around on llamas from Drake's farm! Instead of video games that take batteries and software, our kids will play with squirrels! We must let the Economy know that we are capable of respecting it! No more needless spending! [everyone begins to cheer] The Economy is our shepherd. We shall not want. [stretches out his arms as the audience cheers him on.] Scene Description: South Park, sometime later. Everyone is wearing blankets instead of clothes, in the forms of togas and cloaks. People have begun to ride llamas, carry stuff in wooden boxes, and leave bales of hay around for the llamas and oxen. Businesses all along the street have shuttered their doors and windows and gone out of business. It's a much simpler way of living. Al: [on a llama] Mornin' Ted. Ted: [shoveling snow off his walkway] Mornin' Al. Scene Description: At a park nearby, the boys sit on rocky surfaces dressed in togas and being bored. Butters tries to fish for squirrels, but none of the squirrels are biting. Kyle: Well this sucks! Clyde: Sure was better when our parents were buyin' us stuff. Cartman: [arrives and sighs] Hengh! [the squirrels run off] Of all the times for people to decide to stop buying things, it had to be the week that Grand Theft Auto 4 comes out for Nintendo DS! [stomps his left foot down] Hengh! Kyle: You want something new every week, fatass. Cartman: [leaps towards him] Don't you fraternize me! This is all your fault, you know! Kyle: My fault? Cartman: The Jews took all the money away, and they ha-! Kyle: [jumps off his rocky perch and faces Cartman] Don't even start! Don't even start, Cartman! Butters: Well, [Kyle looks back at him] why are we wearin' bedsheets and playing with squirrels, Kyle? Kyle: Not because of the Jews, Butters! Who told you that? Butters: Well Eric did. [Kyle glares at Cartman again] Cartman: Just tell us where the cave is, Kyle. Kyle: Now look! The reason we're in this situation is because people are being stupid! The economy isn't some vengeful being that takes things away from us. The economy is just made up of people, and people have just lost their faith in it. [the other boys now pay attention to Kyle. Two men watch Kyle from afar.] What people really should be doing is spending more. Spending is fine. People should just go out and shop. They should buy the things they need for their friends and family. Man 8: We best speak with the Council, and tell them... a young Jew is speaking heresy towards the Economy. Scene Description: Big Orange Finance Company, day. Stan reaches its glass doors and pushes his way in backwards, then turns around and walks up to the receptionist's desk. Receptionist: Can I help you? Stan: I wanna return this Margaritaville. Receptionist: O-kay, let me send you into Josh. [next shot is of Josh dipping his finger into a little can of Carmex and spreading it on his lips] Josh: Heeey, welcome to Big Orange Finance Company, yeah. Have a seat. You want some Carmex? Stan: No thanks. I wanna return this Margaritaville, and the guy at Sur la Table said that you were the company that financed it. Josh: Oh yeah no, you know what? No, yeah. Stan: What? Josh: Yeah, we can't give you your money back for that, yeah, no. You'd have to talk to the people on Wall Street, yeah, mmmm. Stan: Wall Street? Josh: Yeah, no, see, what I do is find Americans who want a frozen beverage machine but can't afford one, and I hook them up with investors who want to get into the margarita bill payment plan business, yeah. Stan: So? Josh: Yeah, so the problem is your Margaritaville payment plan has been combined with thousands of others into one big Margaritaville security, yeah, no. Yeah. No. Yeah... [Stan sighs in frustration] Scene Description: Park County Community Center, day. Llamas wait in the parking lot with hay bales near them as toga-clad adults walk towards the center's doors. Inside, a council of nine sits in the dark. Six candles give light to two tables. Randy sits on a throne. Stephen: The entire town has given over to your ways, Mr. Chairman. Everyone has even stopped using electricity so as to stop paying electrical bills. Father Maxi: You've really done an amazing thing, Mr. Marsh. People have learned to hold on to their money so as not to feel the sting of the Economy's mighty sword. Randy: I am pretty smart, yea. But I have assembled this economic committee to make sure that everyone sticks to my new plan. Skeeter: We've got guards posted at the mall to make sure nobody gets tempted to buy dumb stuff. And, uh, Pat Sallsman is doin' house checks to make sure nobody is ordering anything stupid online. Randy: Then perhaps soon our Economy will return to us. Man 9: Council, I bring news of discord! A young Jew was in the town square speaking blasphemy about the Economy! Randy: What?! Man 9: He was saying that... your ideas are false and the Economy is not vengeful. He was rallying people to spend more! Father Maxi: Spend more?! What mockery is this?! Randy: Relax, Father Maxi. What harm can one Jew do against our... economic recovery movement? Scene Description: The same park as before. The squirrels are back, Cartman joins the other boys on the rocks, resting against one. Cartman: I had a dream last night. I was in a field, and I had Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars right next to me. But then the sky went black and ...Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars just... melted in my hand. [begins to sob, and a rowdy crowd approaches from the right] Kyle: What's that? [a crowd of men runs past them, snatching up squirrels on the way] Man 10: 'Scuse me, we need to borrow your squirrels. Kyle: What? [the boys stand and follow the men] Mr. Garrison: Now please, please! [holds his arms up in self-defense] Man 10: You have sinned! Mr. Garrison: Oh Jesus, I'm sorry. Please. Kyle: What's going on? Man 10: Garrison, you have brought your filth to this town for the last time! Kyle: What did he do? Man 11: Your teacher was caught buying a KitchenAid Stand Mixer at Bed Bath & Beyond! Man 10: Take that punishment, heathen! [the crowd begins stoning Garrison with squirrels] Kyle: [steps in between Garrison and the crowd] Hey! Hey, stop it! Stop! Man 10: Move aside, kid! He must pay for his stand mixer. Kyle: Come on, this is ridiculous! Man 10: What's ridiculous about hucking squirrels at a man who has angered the Economy?! Kyle: Ju-just have a little compassion, huh? I mean, everyone's gone out and bought something stupid. It's not so bad. Whichever of you guys has never bought anything frivolous, go ahead and huck the next squirrel. [a man behind Principal Victoria moves and hucks a squirrel at Garrison] Mr. Garrison: Oh. [the crowd gets rowdy again] Scene Description: Wall Street, the New York Stock Exchange. It's a busy day. Stan walks into view from the left. Stan: 'Scuse me. 'Scuse me! I'd like to return this Margaritaville, please? Stockbroker: Margaritaville? Stan: My dad bought it on a payment plan that was set up by a finance company which got their principal investors from somebody here. Stockbroker: Oh, that makes sense. Stan: It does? Stockbroker: You see, son, we lump thousands of these Margaritaville installment plans together into Margaritaville-based securities, then chop those securities up in a way that we could sell them to banks. Stan: So I can return it to a bank? Stockbroker: Nope, because a bunch of people like you are defaulting on their Margaritavilles so the government had to buy the Margaritaville assets from the banks. Stan: What?! Stockbroker: Just talk to the Treasury Department in DC. They're the ones who really understand how all this works. [notices some activity on his stocks] Oh, sell sell sell sell sell sell sell! Stan: Aargh! [walks off with the Margaritaville] Scene Description: In a meadow near town, day. Kyle has his own Sermon on the Mount. Kyle: Listen, this is all you need to know: the economy is not a supernatural all-knowing entity. The economy is just an idea, made up by people, thousands of years ago. The economy is not real. And yet, it is real. Nowadays they'll give credit cards to practically anyone who applies for them. [pulls out an envelope] I applied for this yesterday to prove a point. It is an American Express Platinum card. [from Kyle's position, one can see hundreds of people listening to him] It has no spending limit. [cries of shock rise from the crowd] Do not be afraid! This is only plastic. It's just something made up by people. Truly meaningless until we put our faith in it. Faith is what makes an economy exist. Without faith, it is only plastic cards and paper money. Scene Description: Park County Community Center. The economic recovery movement council is meeting again. Man 11: By all reports, the young Jew is not letting up! He is still going around convincing people to have faith in the Economy by shopping! Randy: We've done everything we can and yet the Economy has not improved. Worse, it has declined! Poor Bart here just lost his job at Little Caesar's Pizza. Our tireless work is obviously being undermined by this one Jew. Why does he go around pretending to know the true will of the Economy? Stephen: Perhaps... he is the Economy's only Son, sent to save us. Father Maxi: Are you retarded, Stotch?! The Economy is omnipotent! Which means it can do anything! So saying it would be limited to one Son is fucking stupid! Randy: That is stupid, yea. And going around telling people to shop... is dangerous! Man 12: Well then, there's only one option: we have to kill the Jew. Father Maxi: Yep, I think we gotta kill the Jew. Skeeter: I don't know... He's got a lot of support. It might be hard to even catch this Jew. [a screeching sound is heard. A hand is seen going down a blackboard. and it belongs to Cartman] Cartman: Did somebody say "catch a Jew"? The person you're after might be hard to get, but I can bring him to you. And all I want in return... is Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars for handheld Nintendo DS. Scene Description: The U.S. Treasury Department, day. The camera pans down from the top of the building to street level, and shows Stan walking past a statue with the Margaritaville. Stan then goes up the steps and through the domed atrium. Three men gather in front of him and face him. He stops and drops the Margaritaville to the floor. Treasurer 1: Uhh, how can we help you, young man? Stan: I want to return this Margaritaville! My dad bought it on a payment plan set up by a finance company that got investors from Wall Street who combined it into securities sold to the banks who transferred it to you! Treasurer 1: Ohhh that makes sense. Stan: Nnnaaargh! Treasurer 1: No problem. We just need to consult the chart. We can determine your property's value and we'll be done. Stan: [surprised] Really? [puts his hands together] Thank you. Treasurer 1: Be right back. [they go into a room through the heavy double doors behind them and close the doors. A squawk is heard, then a cleaver and the sound of blood spurting out. Stan is startled. The men come back out through the doors with streaks of blood on them.] Treasurer 2: Excellent news, sir. We've determined the investment value of your Margaritaville to be... ninety trillion dollars. Stan: What?! Scene Description: Whistlin' Willy's Pizza Gultch. Many of the boys are inside in the dark, seated at a long table reminiscent of The Last Supper. From left to right are Craig, Timmy, Jason, Cartman, Token, Kyle, Jimmy, Butters, Kenny, Tweek, Ike, and Clyde, all munching on slices of pizza. Some breadsticks are in a basket. Jimmy: Hey, what's the matter, Kyle? You seem b-b-bu-bbbummed out. Kyle: I just have a feeling this might be the last time we get to do this. Butters: Well don't worry Kyle. We're not gonna let people kill you. We'll keep you hidden forever! Kyle: I can't just hide my whole life, Butters. And besides, I have this strange feeling that one of you is gonna totally betray me. [the other boys gasp and look at Kyle. Tweek and Ike look at Clyde] Cartman: [stands up in his seat] All right, whoever is thinkin' of betraying Kyle, that is not cool! [checks for a reaction] That's freaking lame, dude! Kyle is trying to get the economy goin' again! If somebody is thinking of stabbing him in the back, you're b-you're being a dick! [clears his throat and sits down] Go ahead, Kyle. Kyle: [looks at Cartman for a few seconds, then enunciates] Whoever it might happen to be, I'm not giving him the opportunity. Tomorrow I'm going to do something. Something I've known I would have to do restore people's faith. Jimmy: Kyle please! For fu-fu for for-fu-fuck's sake, don't do anything drastic. Kyle: There's no choice anymore, guys. Don't worry about me. I've been preparing for this for a while now. [looks down at his plate] Scene Description: The U.S. Treasury Department, day. Stan is still trying to figure things out with Treasury. Stan: Nononono excuse me! I don't understand! How can this stupid thing be worth ninety trillion dollars?! Treasurer 1: What, you think it's worth more? Stan: No, dude, that doesn't make sense! Treasurer 2: Well, you don't get ninety trillion dollars, but the chart says that's what it's worth. Treasurer 3: [runs up to the other two treasurers] Uh oh, problem! Problem again! Treasurer 2: What is it now? Treasurer 3: Another insurance company is about to go under; if they do, people could lose millions! Treasurer 1: Okay, no problem. [the three go behind the double doors again] We'd better consult the chart. [this time one of the doors is left ajar. Stan observes this and then takes the Margaritaville into the chart's room] Scene Description: The chart room. The three treasurers face three other men at the opposite end of the large chart. These other men sit in high-backed chairs and wear white wigs. Treasurer 3: Sirs, another insurance company is going under! Sir 1: Now determining most prudent move for insurance company. [brings down the gavel. Treasurer 2 picks up a chicken and a meat cleaver, puts the chicken down against the edge of the chart, and chops its head off with the meat cleaver. He then drops it into the chart and it stumbles around while Treasurer 3 plays the kazoo. The headless chicken drops onto the bailout button and the button lights up and sets off a bell] Treasurer 1: Bailout! Treasurer 3: Most prudent move is a bailout! Sir 1: Bail out the insurance company! [Stan is upset at this method of resolving a serious economic problem. He picks up the Margaritaville, smashes it into the chart, turns around and leaves] Scene Description: The city park, evening. A crowd is gathered for some reason... Man 13: It's a miracle. Man 14: Why would someone do this? [members of the economic recovery council run up to see what the commotion is about] Randy: What is this? What's going on? Stephen: There! Look! [a shot of Kyle signing papers] It's the Jew. Somehow he got a platinum AmEx with no spending limit. Randy: What's he doing? Stephen: He's... paying for everyone's debts. [a shot of several lines of people walking up to Kyle, who takes each bill, enters the amount due into a card reader, and swipes his card through the reader to pay the debt] Darryl: Hey thanks, kid, this is really nice of you. Randy: But that's... impossible. Why would he do this? Man 15: So that people will have money to spend. Sheila: [runs up to Kyle] Kyle! [gets on her knees] Kyle, you have to stop this! [begins to cry] Kyle: It's okay, Ma. Sheila: No-o Kyle, you'll be in debt for the rest of your life! [stands up and walks away] Please, somebody, get him to sto-o-op! [Randy gets an idea, points towards his house, and leaves. More people walk towards Kyle, and this continues for hours. Kyle begins to moan from lack of energy as he continues paying off debts] Randy: [returns with his unpaid bills] Uh there's about seventeen thousand dollars' worth here. Kyle: [pays it off, with difficulty.] Heunh. [Randy smiles and walks away] Man 16: He paid for our debts so we could spend once more. [Kyle has stopped moving. A man steps up to check] Man 17: He's dead. Dr. Doctor: [steps up to check Kyle's pulse] No, he's just passed out. We should get him to bed. [several men raise Kyle over their heads and gently carry him home. Sheila sobs and follows them. They all go through the living room, up the stairs, into Kyle's room, and lay him down. Sheila waits as the men leave, then leaves and closes the door so Kyle can recover in peace. Beams of light enter through the window] Scene Description: Channel 9 News. The anchorman speaks. Anchor: For the first time in almost a year, the economy in South Park has taken a small, but noticeable upturn. [a shot of a bustling mall] Stores and shopping malls are open again as newly debt-free people feel safe... to make purchases. [The Marshes are shopping, and Randy notices something] Randy: Wow, the new Margaritaville! [holds it up] With salsa dispenser! "Just pour your favorite salsa in the top and it comes out the dispenser in the bottom." Oh, we need this! [Sharon buries her face in her left hand] Anchor: Are we out of the woods yet? Only time will tell. But we must not forget the sacrifice one person made to restore our faith and make us believe in the economy once again. The person we must thank every day for his amazing sacrifice. [the person is shown] Barack Obama. [a shot of Obama addressing a cheering crowd] Kyle: [on the sofa watching the TV] Aww, come on!

Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The hallway is shown as the bell rings, and the students pour into the hallway from their classrooms. They're all chatting about something imminent. Cartman: Oh, man, I thought that day would never end. Wendy: Hey, Stan, you wanna maybe study together after school? Stan: What?! No way, Wendy, today's the day! Wendy: What day? Butters: The day they're showin' Part 2 of last week's Terrance and Phillip show! Clyde: They're gonna finally reveal who Phillip farted on to get out of jail. Red: Oh God, that show is so dumb. Cartman: Dumb?! Phillip farted in somebody's face super hard! But you don't know who until this week's episode! Tweek: Eagh! This has been the longest week of my life! Bebe: Why do boys think farts are so funny? They're juvenile and gross! Cartman: No! No, nono, you're right, Bebe! Farts totally aren't funny. [walks from his locker to the middle of the hall, turns around, farts, and walks back to his locker. A little girl walks into the fart fumes and all the boys laugh] Little Girl: Eww! [Butters points at her and laughs cruelly] Kyle: Come on guys, we gotta go! [leads the boys down the hall] Jimmy: We're finally gonna learn the shocking truth of who Phillip f-farted on. Cartman: Let's get to my house!! [the boys run out of school chattering away while the girls remain in the hall annoyed] Wendy: God, they're so stupid! Scene Description: Cartman's house, a while later. The boys walk into the living room and arrange themselves before the TV. Stan: Oh boy! Butters: This is gonna be great! Craig: I've been waiting for this all week. Butters: Oh boy! Cartman: [walks in with some snacks for himself and spots Craig on the sofa] Ah ah ah, that's my seat, Craig. Craig: Dude, I was here first. Cartman: It's my Goddamned house, now get your bitch ass on the floor! [Craig moves to an empty spot on the floor as Cartman takes his place on the sofa] Butters: Well it's on, it's on, itsonitsonitson! Scene Description: Graphics for the Canada Channel pop up onscreen. Announcer: You are watching the Canada Channel, the only channel in Canada. Announcer 2: Previously on Terrance & Phillip: Terrance farted on the American president, but Phillip took the heat. [A shot of Terrance farting on Barack Obama, who appears Canadian onscreen. The boys have a good laugh] Phillip: [pleading his innocence as a prison guard shoves him into a cell] It wasn't me! [fart. The boys laugh again] Announcer 2: And now, the thrilling conclusion of... Terrance & Phillip: Blood Rage ["Part 2" appears, followed by "Special Presentation"] Announcer: ...will not be seen tonight, so that we may bring you this Queef Sisters Special! Scene Description: APRIL FOOLS! A kazoo is heard. Cartman: What? Announcer 3: The Canada Channel presents... The Queef Sisters. Katherine and Katie Queef. [a shot of them at the beach farting pink queefs] Two Toronto girls who love shooting air out their vaginas. [a shot of them queefing on a unicorn.] It's The Queef Sisters special on Channel Canada. Scene Description: A Canadian doctor's clinic. The sisters wait inside, their legs on stirrups. The doctor walks in. Doctor: Alright Queef Sisters, it's time for your yearly PAP smear and vag exam. Katie: Alright Doctor. Katherine: I'm ready, Doctor. Doctor: [walks over to Katherine] Now I'm just going to check for cysts. [lowers his face and moves in closer for a good look... QUEEF!] Awww! [backs up and hides his face. Katherine begins to laugh. Katie joins in] Cartman: What the fuck is this?! Doctor: Now listen heauh! If you queef in my face, then I refuse to be your gynecologist! Katherine: I'm sorry, doctor. I had air trapped in my vagina. Katie: Huhuhuhu! Doctor: Well just don't let it happen again! Now I'm going to check for cysts. [lowers his head, quickly glances at Katherine, then lowers his head again. QUEEF! The doctor recoils again] Arh! [Katherine laughs, then Katie joins in. The boys watch this special and aren't moved.] Now stop it! That isn't funny! Babies come from there! [goes back between Katherine's legs. QUEEF! The doctor hides his face again and the sisters laugh. The doctor is fed up and throws his notepad away] That's it! No PAP smear for you! Katherine: But doctor, what if I have cancer? Doctor: You should have thought of that before you queefed in my face three times! [A shot of the boys confused, with Cartman getting mad] Butters: They, uh they aren't gonna show part 2 of the Terrance and Phillip show? Katie: Doctor, my sister is just being difficult. Maybe you can just examine my cervix instead. Doctor: Well alright, let me check for cysts. [goes over to Katie and lowers his head. QUEEF! He backs out] Nooo! [the sisters laugh] That does it, Queef Sisters! I'm not your vaginal doctor anymore! [walks out the door] Katherine: Oh Katie, I do believe we made the doctor angry. Katie: I guess so Katherine. Cartman: Dude! What the hell is this disgusting crap?! Scene Description: The Canada Broadcasting Channel offices, day. Terrance & Phillip have just watched the same episode the boys did. Phillip: What the hell is this disgusting crap?! Terrance: Queef Sisters?! Network President: That's right. It's a hot new Canadian show we're trying out. Terrance: You replaced our show with this?! But they aren't funny! All they do is queef all the time! Phillip: That's sick! Network President: You think farts are funny; why not queefs? Terrance: Because babies come from there! Network President: Eh, look guys, women are starting to be the driving force behind the television audience! You know, women empowerment and the get-go. So we want to try to appeal to the female sensibility. Sorry guys, but if you ask me, your farts have gotten stale! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Cartman is in the hall talking on his cell phone surrounded by other kids. Cartman: No! No! As a matter of fact, I will not hold! I've been on hold for thirty-five minutes! Well we want some Goddamned answers, that's what we want! Like why did you show that smut instead of the Terrance and Phillip conclusion, you asshole?! Wendy: [walks up to Stan] What's going on? Stan: We're complaining to the Canada Network 'cause they put something really gross on TV! Cartman: You wanna tell me what's funny about two women shooting air from their vagina into a man's face?! No! No! See, some of us were eating when you showed that! Clyde: I threw up on my way home. Cartman: Clyde threw up on his way home! What makes you think you can put that kind of filth on television?! [more girls begin to appear] Stan: You tell 'em, Cartman! Red: What happened? Butters: They didn't show part 2 of Terrance and Phillip! [crosses his arms] They replaced it with the Queef Sisters! Kyle: It was just thirty minutes of two women queefing on people! Bebe: Oh what? So farts are hysterical but queefs are gross? Cartman: You know that little kids could have been watching that?! What kind of network are you running there in Canada?! Don't call me buddy! I'm not your buddy! [the girls have heard enough and leave] Bebe: I can't believe they're this upset. Red: God, they're annoying! Annie: I don't even know what a queef is. Wendy: It's when a woman blows air out her vag, Annie. Annie: Oh. Red: You know that girl Samantha Dunskin, she can make herself queef whenever she wants. Bebe: Really? Wendy: Wait a minute. I've got an idea. Scene Description: Meanwhile, just behind them, Cartman has Butters write out a letter as he dictates and paces around the floor. Cartman: And to that end, by resorting to filth and garbage, the Canada Channel has thusly... Kyle: Robbed us of our innocence. Cartman: Yes, that's good. Butters: [writing left-handed] Robbed us of our innocence... [the girls return] Wendy: Hey, guys, we have a little surprise for you. Stan: What? [a girl moves to the front of the group, and lets loose a queef into Butters' face. Butters is stunned and tries to get the queef off his face as if it were skunk musk] Butters: Oh God, oh my God no! [runs down the hall and out the front doors of the school, still screaming and trying to get the queef off, then runs all the way home. He runs in, leaving the front door open and his father puzzled. He runs upstairs and into his room, slamming the door shut.] Stephen: Butters? Scene Description: The Marsh house, later. Randy is talking on the phone, as Sharon listens in, worried. Randy: Oh my God, well how is he doing? Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure. Huh, okay, well, thank you for telling me, Mr. Stotch, I'll spread the word. Yoeah, you take care. Bye. [hangs up the cordless phone] We need to cancel our plans, Sharon. There's gonna be an emergency all-parent meeting at the school tonight. [starts to go upstairs] Sharon: Why? What happened? Randy: [backs down a couple of steps] A girl at school, she... queefed on one of Stan's friends today. [goes on upstairs. She looks on for a few seconds] Sharon: ...So? Scene Description: Stan's room. Stan is sitting at the edge of his bed moping. Randy knocks on the door, then opens it to peek in. He then walks up to Stan and sits next to him on the bed. Randy: Hey, pal. I heard about what happened at school today. You wanna talk about it? Stan: Butters was just sitting there, Dad. He... he didn't even know it was coming. Randy: I know, pal. Sometimes... bad things happen to good people. But you know Butters is still Butters, and he needs you guys right now more than anybody. Stan: It was so gross, Dad, I mean, what if another girl at school tries-? Randy: Hey, we're getting all the parents together and we're gonna take care of this, okay? Nothing like this will ever happen again. Scene Description: South Park Elementary Gymnasium, night. Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey wait for all the parents take their seats on the bleachers. Mr. Mackey: M'kay, parents, some of you have already heard, but most of you have not, m'kay? We've had a terrible incident occur at the school. Apparently a young girl uh, went up to a young boy here at the school, m'kay, and queefed in his face. [immediately people begin whispering to each other] Gerald: How did this happen? Stuart: Where were the teachers?! Mrs. Testaburger: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Are you saying we're all here just because a girl queefed on a boy? Man: Just?! Thomas: We're here to find out why! Randy: The question is how do we send a message to other girls in the school so this doesn't happen again! [more murmuring ensues] Principal Victoria: Now hold on a minute, I think we're being a little drastic here. You know, I probably see a boy in my office once a week for farting on a girl. [the men look at each other] Randy: What does that have to do with anything? [the women begin to murmur in reaction to that question] Scene Description: Live with Regis and Kelly. The camera pulls back in the sign to reveal the studio audience. Regis: Our next guests have really taken America by storm. Their new hit show is being tuned in by women all over the world. Please welcome the Queef Sisters! [Regis and Kelly stand up to greet the sisters as the sisters go onstage] Katherine: Oh hello Regis. Katie: Hello Kelly. [QUEEF. The sisters laugh] Regis: So, uh, gals, ...you seem to really like queefing. Katherine: Well Reeg, it's like this: we think that queefing is a perfectly normal female bodily function. Why not have fun with it? [rips out a new queef and laughs. The audience applauds and cheers] Regis: But I mean really, isn't queefing a bit juvenile? Katie: Men enjoy farts, so why shouldn't women enjoy their queefs? Katherine: That's right. We've written all aboot it in our new feminist book, Eat, Pray, Queef. Kelly: Well I think that what you gals are doing for the feminist movement is amazing. And that's why women all over America stand behind you. [lets loose a most robust queef] Regis: D'ohhh! [walks offstage covering his nose as the sisters laugh.] Scene Description: The Canada Broadcasting Channel offices, day. Terrance & Phillip are there once again. Network President: Terrance and Phillip, you've put on a terrific show for many many years. You've made Canada Channel what it is today. You're fired. Terrance & Phillip: Fired?! Network President: Sorry guys, but this queefing thing is really catching on. [grabs some gift-wrapped boxes from under his desk and carries them to Terrance & Phillip.] Queef Sisters' ratings are through the roof, and to pay them what they're asking we've gotta get rid of you. Goodbye. Here's some cookies. [hands them the boxes] Terrance: Brian, don't do this! Phillip: You can't let Canada Channel be soiled by that perverse garbage! You know it's sick! Brian: [prepares himself a drink and walks by his window] Yes, I know it's sick. To be honest, I gag every time one of them lets out a queef. [turns around and glares at the duo] But it's money Goddammit and this channel needs it! I'm sorry, Terrance & Phillip, your show is done! Scene Description: The Martha Stewart show. Martha: I always love when Spring is on the way. Such a fun and inspiring time to decorate. Just like most women out there I've really gotten into queefing lately. [holds up some scissors and construction paper, and the camera pulls back to reveal her genitalia] It's a lot of fun and interesting ways we can decorate our queefs and just make them more dynamic for the holidays. What we're gonna do is just... cut out some paper... like... this... [snips away] and cut out little stars and little moon shapes, [puts those stars and moons into her vagina] and we're gonna just... jam those... up... and they have custom simple little sparkles from the hobby stores; they come in... little tube which make them very easy to just... [puts the sparkles into the vagina as well] shoot... right up the ol'... there we are. And of course you can feel free to add little flowers or maybe some festive Easter grass. But the point is that when we're done we can... let one rip. [she queefs and the stars, moons, and sparkles pop out in a fireworks display. She grins] See how pretty that was? It's a good thing. Scene Description: The segment ends. Next, the Marsh house, day. The Marshes are enjoying a meal. A small sound is heard and Sharon smiles. Stan and Randy freeze, then Randy looks at Sharon. Randy: What was that? Sharon: Oh, excuse me, I... [stifles a giggle] I, I had a little air trapped. [Shelly begins to giggle] Randy: Oh my God, did you just...? At the table? Sharon: [chuckles] Pardon me. [Shelly giggles] Stan: Mom, gross! [Sharon and Shelly giggle some more] Randy: Okay, that's enough, girls! Alright? I mean, how old are you, Sharon? Sharon: [giggles and pats her face down with a napkin] Sorry, it's just ...it's kind of funny how much it bothers you. Randy: Oh yeah. Yeah, that's really funny! Stan: Stop it, Mom! Randy: Yeah okay? Let's just try to have a nice dinner, okay? Sharon: [giggling] Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. [smiles. The family resumes eating quietly until another queef is heard. Sharon and Shelly crack up while Stan and Randy stare at them] Randy: Sharon! Marsh! Sharon: Ex-cuse me. Shelly: Hey Mom, do you like Australia? 'Cause that was the Great Barrier Queef. [Sharon and Shelly giggle some more] Randy: That's it, I'm leaving! [leaves the table and heads for the front door] Stan: I'm going too. [follows Randy] Sharon: Oh! Oh please, Randy! How many times have you farted in bed and held my head under the covers?! Randy: That's completely different! Stan: Yeah it's different, Mom! Sharon: Alright, tell me exactly where the line is. Er, okay, how about this? I have a friend Abbie. She had a baby boy and it farted. Randy: [giggles a bit] Heh, yeah? Sharon: But she was actually still pregnant with the baby boy and it farted inside her. Randy: [giggles with Stan] Yeah? Sharon: And then the gas from the baby's fart traveled down and shot out her vagina, haHA. [Randy and Stan glare at her] Randy: Come on Stanley, let's go. [they turn and head out the front door] Sharon: Oh! Oh, so when does that stop being funny?! Randy: It stopped being funny the second that air came out her vagina, Sharon! [exits the house and slams the door shut] Scene Description: The Queef Sisters' house, living room. Katie is on the sofa putting nail polish on the nails of her left foot. Katie: Look Katherine, I made queef cookies! Katherine: But those are just ginger snaps, Katie. [Katie queefs on the cookies and voila! The sisters laugh. The doorbell rings] Could you get that, Katie? [queefs on Katie as Katie walks by to get the front door. They giggle. Katherine opens the door and sees Terrance & Phillip staring at her angrily, with their arms crossed over their chests] Katie: Oh my God! Look, Katherine! It's Canadian television stars Terrance & Phillip! Katherine: [jumps to her feet] Oh my God, they're famous! [walks up besides Katie] Well hello sirs! It is such an honor to meet you! Oh Katie, I'm getting all goosebumpy and queefy. [queefs twice. The sisters laugh] Katie: [queefs] Wooo. Phillip: May we come in, please? Katherine: Oh certainly, though I feel we look a mess. [Terrance & Phillip walk in and look around] Terrance: Very nice place you have here. Network must be paying you well. Katie: Oho yes, the show is going aboat as well as it could. [queefs] Terrance: All right, enough with the queefing! We didn't come for a social call! Phillip: That's right! We've come to kill you! [Terrance pulls out a gun and aims it at them, and they gasp] Katie: Why kill us? We love you. Terrance: Because you've reduced Canada Channel to smut and toilet humor! Katherine: Oh. Well I suppose if we're going to die, we should die by the hands of our idols. Terrance: Your idols? Katherine: We grew up watching you. You meant the world to us. We used to fantasize about pleasing you in all different ways. Know that it is an honor to die by your hand. [the sisters shut their eyes and wait to be shot] Terrance: [turns around] I don't think I can do it, Phillip. [Katie opens her eyes] Phillip: Why not? [Katherine opens her eyes] Terrance: Because I'm suddenly finding myself strangely attracted to Katherine. Phillip: What?! That's crazy, Terrance! Katie is obviously the hot one. [they look over their shoulders at the sisters] Scene Description: Butters' bedroom, day. He's in bed with an ice pack tied down around his head. Butters: Ohhhhh ohhhhh. [Cartman enters leading the other boys in class. He's carrying a box] Cartman: Hey Butters. How you holding up, man? Butters: Oh. Hey fellas. Cartman: We got you a present, Butters. I'll put it here on your nightstand 'cause none of us want to touch you since you got queefed on. Butters: Aw thanks. Stan: Butters, I'm afraid things have gotten worse. All the women suddenly think that... queefing is funny. Butters: Ohhhhh ohhhhh! Kyle: Calm down Butters! The men are taking action. But we need to take your picture. Butters: My, my picture? Cartman: You're going to be the face of queef abuse, Butters, so that we can make people open their eyes. Scene Description: License place BM 475. The camera pans up to reveal Terrance driving Phillip, Katherine and Katie down a country road. They pass a sign saying "Entering CANADIAN WINE COUNTRY. Over THREE WINERIES to explore." The four continue down the road until they reach Canadian White Wine Winery. They go in and sample the wine. Terrance finishes his glass and farts into it. The two men laugh. The foursome get back on the road. Sometime later, Katie queefs on Terrance. Terrance: AAH! [the sisters laugh. The foursome then stops at Canadian Red Wine Winery. Inside they sample more wine and a flatulent sound is heard] Phillip: Dammit I'm trying to enjoy my wine, Katie! Terrance: No, that was me, Phillip. I farted. Phillip: Oh. [Both men laugh. The foursome leave and get back on the road. Terrance is still driving. They're all drinking straight from bottles] Katherine: Oh, this is a dream come true. I've always wanted to meet you, Phillip. [Terrance brakes angrily] Terrance: Phillip?! I'm Terrance! Katie: What? I thought you were Terrance. Phillip: No, I'm Phillip! Katherine: Oh dear. [they continue down the road, sipping from bottles. Phillip is now driving with Katherine up front while Terrance sits in back with Katie. Katie tosses her bottle back onto the road and starts making out with Terrance.] Scene Description: The House of Representatives. Some of the boys, their parents, and South Park Elementary staff are presenting their case. Stephen: A disgusting, violating trend is taking over our city, our state, our nation. Queefing has become an acceptable evil. Cartman: Last week at our school, a girl queefed right into our friend's face. That is why we are here to tell you [points to the poster] it's not a joke. Stan: On television us children are starting to see and hear more and more graphic queefing. Randy: [walks into view with a mic] I would like to take this opportunity to explain why farts are funny and queefs are not. Men have always joked about farts and we in fact name our farts. We have The Squeaker [moves the mic to his ass and lets out a squeaking fart, then speaks into the mic again] And then there's The Foghorn [moves the mic to his ass and lets out two farts that sound like a foghorn, then speaks into the mic again] and the "Don't be scared" [moves the mic to his ass and lets out a series of farts that sort of sound like "Don't be scared", then speaks into the mic again] and of course there's the- Woman: Excuse me. [another woman hands her a mic] Well if that really is your argument, it isn't a very sound one. Women name their queefs too. Other Women: That's right! We do. Woman: For instance, we have the Sneezing Unicorn. [moves the mic to her vagina and makes it sneeze, then speaks into the mic again] and The Resuscitator [moves the mic to her vagina and makes a sound like an air pump] Cartman: Sick! Stop it, lady! Randy: Th-that's not the same! We've got the Chinese Firecracker! [moves the mic to his ass and lets out a sputtering fart that sounds like a Chinese firecracker] Woman 2: That's all well and good, but we can do the Road Warrior. [moves the mic to her vagina and...] Road Warrior Queef: Nooo! We go iiin! We kiiill! No more talk! We kiiill! Soon, my dog of war, but we have to do it my way. [switches to another voice] Losers! Losers wait! Males: [covering their noses] AWWW! Randy: Jesus Christ! Scene Description: The Queef Sisters' house, night. In the dark, Phillip is naked and running away from something. A vase flies at him and shatters against a wall. Phillip: You stupid bitch, what the fuck is wrong with you?! [evades another vase, which shatters against another wall] Katherine: I'm not your sex toy, you fucking pig! [flings a third vase at him] Phillip: Ugh! You don't queef in bed while we're having sex! Katherine: Fuck you, you don't fucking slap me! [a light turns on. Terrance and Katie are in a bed next to them] Terrance: Could you please keep it down? We're trying to have sex over here. Phillip: She queefed while we were having sex, Terrance! Terrance: SICK! Katie: Well what's the big deal? I've been queefing in this bed the entire time. Terrance: What?! Gross! [punches her on the face with his left fist] Katie: How dare you?! [punches him back] Katherine: Get out! Get out both of you! [begins pushing Phillip towards the door] We never want to see you again! [kicks his ass. Soon, both men are out of the bedroom] Terrance: After everything we've been through? [Katie gives them the last push, shuts the door, and sobs. Katherine joins her, they hug each other, and they queef separately] Scene Description: The terrace at the Queef Sisters home. Terrance & Phillip stand at the banister, naked and smoking cigarettes. Terrance: [sighs] What the hell am I going to do, Phillip? She makes me so mad sometimes. Phillip: Katherine just won't stop queefing, but I don't know if I can live without her. Scene Description: Terrence and Phillip enter the house. Terrance: Katie, I'm sorry. I was wrong. Phillip: Me too, Katherine. I don't love your queefs, but dammit, I love you. Katie: Oh Terrance. [they hug] Katherine: Phillip! [they hug and move towards Katherine's bed. Each couple starts fucking immediately, with the men on top] Scene Description: Stan's house, morning. A rooster crows somewhere. Randy steps out to pick up the newspaper. He yawns and reaches down... Randy: [gasps] Oh my God! [the headline reads "QUEEFING BANNED! ROAD WARRIOR QUEEF SEALS IT!"] Ohmygod! Stan! [turns around and closes the door, then runs to the foot of the stairs] Stan, we did it! Colorado Senate moves to ban queefing! Stan: [coming down the stairs] No way! We did it?! [twirls around] Yeah!! Randy: Alright son! Yeah!! Sharon: [coming in from the kitchen with Shelly] What's going on? Randy: [thrusts the paper in Sharon's face] HA! Read it and weep, Sharon! No more queefing! Sharon: [resigned] Well, ...congratulations, guys. Looks like you got us. Good job. Randy: Aw come on. [tries to lighten the mood] Just because you can't queef anymore... Sharon: You really think women cared that much about queefing? Is that really what you think this has all been about? This has been about women having a little bit of fun for once at your expense. For just this one time we could be the immature ones to make you feel uncomfortable. But no, you just couldn't let us have that one little thing, could you? Because even though things are getting better for women, you still think of us as lesser people sometimes, and we always have to prove ourselves twice as hard. Congratulations, guys. [begins to sob] For getting your way... again. [she and Shelly turn around and head back to the kitchen] Stan: Mom, we didn't mean... [he and Randy are stunned. Randy walks to the sofa and sits down.] Randy: [exhales] Boy oh boy. I think we might have screwed up royal, Stan. [Stan follows him to the sofa and sits next to him] Stan: Yeah. We all got so caught up in how we felt that we didn't realize... women actually cared about something a lot deeper. Randy: Stan, let's call the guys together. Maybe we can make this right. Scene Description: A recording booth, later. Randy appears alone and starts to sing. Randy: There's a time in our lives when we must listen to the oppressed. Randy, Stan: And realize we've been keeping women down. Mr. Mackey: They have power and they have courage. Stephen, Butters: And we must all stand by the belief. Gerald, Kyle: That a woman is strong, and she has the right to queef. The Males: Fly free. Free to queef aloud; fly free. Let every queef show that you're proud. Randy: You face so many challenges to put an end to your grief. The Males: You are woman now, and you are free to queef. Cartman: It's time for equality. We must give them the respect they deserve. Mr. Garrison: They're just the same as you and me. Their rights must be preserrrr-r-r-rrrved. The Males (Randy): Queef free (Queef free). Every woman has the right; queef free (Queef free). Let your queefing stars shine bright.You are woman, hear you roar (queef free), queefing too loud to ignore. Queef a little each day and let your soul take flight! Ah-aaaaaaah-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, queef free. Scene Description: Scenes shown during the song: A fire department captain, a car mechanic, a firefighter, a lab technician, a baker, a flight attendant, a doctor, a paramedic, Hillary Clinton, with a queef coming out of her, a dog with five or six puppies at her teats, a pharmacist, a hotel worker, a mother, and an athlete. Scene Description: A Canadian cathedral, day. Inside this magnificent church are Terrance & Phillip and their brides. Bishop: For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. [Katherine jumps up and queefs on him] Nooo! [the sisters laugh] Phillip: Stop it, Katherine! This is a serious moment! Bishop: Therefore what God has joined together let no man- [Terrance jumps up and farts on him. Phillip laughs. Katie jumps up and queefs on Terrance] Phillip: Aww. sick! [Terrance jumps up and farts on Katie. Phillip laughs. Katherine comes up and queefs on him. He farts on the bishop] Bishop: That's it! I now pronounce you farts and queefs! [the couples laugh as the bishop quickly leaves, Canadians laugh]

Scene Description: South Park, day. Cartman is walking over to Jimmy's house. He enters the house eating chips. Jimmy is working on new jokes. Cartman: Hey Jimmy, what are you up to? [closes the door and walks up to Jimmy] Jimmy: Oh, hey Eric. I was just trying to write some new jokes for my comedy [chokes up] ...rou-routine. Cartman: Yeah well, ya wanna do somethin'? I wanted to hang out with Stan and Kyle, but they're all pissed off at me for somethin' so I have to hang out with you. Jimmy: Sorry Eric, but I really need to work, very much. I haven't written a good joke in over a week. Cartman: [heads to the sofa and lays down on his back] Alright, well maybe I can help you, you know, we can totally write some stuff together. Jimmy: Oh, well, sure. I've never really tried working with a partner, but let's give it a sho- a sh- a-sh, a-sh, shotaroosky. Let's see... I was workin' on this: Why does a squirrel swim on its back? To keep his -nuts dry. Cartman: [while munching] No, that's not that funny. Let's try something else. Jimmy: Ahb. A fireman and a p-p-Polack are eating marshmallows when- Cartman: No, no. Polacks aren't that funny dude. Try somethin' else. [Jimmy sighs and throws away a sheet of jokes. Hours later there are many more sheets on the floor] Jimmy: ...So the Pope says, "What are you, a stinking e-evolutionist?" Cartman: Meh. [Jimmy tosses away another crumpled sheet] Sarah: Here's some fruit, boys. [sets the plate down by Jimmy] Better for you than potato chips. Oh Jimmy, look out, there's a black widow! [pulls out a newspaper from under Jimmy's desk and smashes the spider with it] Jimmy: Wow, thanks Mom. [she turns and walks away] You might have saved my life. Cartman: Dude, if I'm trying to be creative, I can't eat fruit. Doesn't your mom have something more substantial to eat? Jimmy: You can check the freezer. There might be some frozen fishsticks or somethin', if you like fishsticks. [gets an idea, indicated by a small bell] Cartman: Yeah, I like fishsticks. Jimmy: Wait a minute. Fishsticks... Fish. Dicks. [now he writes the joke excitedly] Ohmigod! It's so obvious. How did I never think of it before? [Cartman looks at him, then sits up] Cartman: What, dude, you got something? Jimmy: Alright, just run with me on this, Eric. Say Eric, do you like fishsticks? Cartman: Yeah. Jimmy: You like putting fishsticks in your mouth? Cartman: Yeah. Jimmy: Well what are you, Eric? A gay fish? Cartman: [thinks through the joke] Fish dicks! Aw dude, that's funny as shit! I think we're really onto something here. Let's try it out on the guys. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The bell rings and the boys are in the hall. Clyde is putting some books away in his locker when Cartman rounds the corner with three other guys: Jimmy, Kenny and Butters. Butters: Ohoho, there's Clyde. Do it to Clyde. Jimmy: Yeah yeah, let's do it to Clyde. Cartman: Okay okay, shushushuh, okay, shush, check it out. Uh hey there Clyde. Clyde: Hey. Stan: [walks up to the other guys] What's going on? Butters: Eric and Jimmy came up with the funniest joke ever. Cartman: Say Clyde, do you like fishsticks? Clyde: Yes. [Butters covers his mouth to stifle a laugh] Cartman: Do you like to put fishsticks in your mouth? Clyde: Yes. [Butters covers his mouth to stifle a laugh] Cartman: [points to Clyde with both index fingers] What are you, Clyde? A gay fish? Butters: [runs up to Cartman and Clyde] HA you said you like fishsticks in your mouth; that makes you a gay fish! [Cartman laughs. Butters soon joins him. Clyde just smiles sheepishly, knowing that's a good joke. Token walks into view and Cartman runs to him. Clyde grins] Cartman: Token, Token, got a question for you: [clears his throat] Token, do you like fishsticks? Token: Fishsticks? Yeah, I guess so. [Butters begins to giggle] Cartman: [motions to Butters to keep quiet for now] Shh shh shh shh Butters Butters. [back to Token] You you like putting fishsticks in your mouth? Token: Yes. Cartman: What are you? Butters, Cartman: A gay fish? [Cartman laughs first, then Butters] Butters: Hey look, there's Kevin Stoley! [runs towards the unseen voice] Hey Kevin, do you like fishsticks? [A hot new joke is born.] Scene Description: Mr. Mackey's office. Garrison peeks in... Mr. Garrison: Hey, hey Mackey? Do you like fishsticks? Mr. Mackey: Fishsticks? Yeah, I l- I like fishsticks, m'kay? Scene Description: At South Park Market. Stephen: Oh hey Peterson, buying fishsticks, I see. Peterson: Yeah, I like fishsticks. Stephen: What are you, Peterson? A gay fish? [everyone laughs] Scene Description: The Jimmy Kimmel Show. Announcer: And now, here he is! Jimmy Kimmel! [the studio audience cheers as he goes onstage] Jimmy Kimmel: Alright, hey, how are we all feelin' tonight? [the audience quiets down] So uhhh, let me ask the guys in the audience a question. Do you like fishsticks? The Guys: Yes. Jimmy Kimmel: Huh. What are you, a gay fish? [everyone laughs] Scene Description: The Late Show with David Letterman. David Letterman: And so uhhh, hey Paul, do you like fishsticks, Paul? Paul Shaffer: Uhhh, sure? David Letterman: What are you, Paul, a gay fish? [everyone cracks up over it. Someone in the audience keels over the balcony. Letterman tosses away his notes] Scene Description: The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Jay Leno: So apparently more and more Americans are eating fishsticks. Have you seen this? Have you read about this? Loving fishsticks, kinda makes me wonder, you know? What is everybody, a gay fish? [the studio audience roars with laughter and two men in the front row fall off their chairs and throw up.] Scene Description: Another talk show, but without a studio audience. Anchor: It is quite possibly the funniest joke over conceived, and its origin is unknown. The fishsticks joke crosses all border, all races, all ages and ethnic groups and is slowly uniting our country. In fact, the only person who appears to not get the joke is rapper Kanye West, who becomes furious when people use the joke on him. Kanye: Yo, that is messed up, yo! I am not gay, and I sure as hell ain't no fish! Alright?! Tom Snyder: You. Really. Don't. Get it. Kanye: Hey man, I'm a genius, alright?! I'm the most talented musician in the world! If I was a homosexual, or a fish, I would know! Tom Snyder: You're a rapper. Kanye: Yes. Tom Snyder: An entrepreneur. Kanye: Yes. Tom Snyder: And you like fish dicks. Kanye: Yes. Tom Snyder: You're a gay fish. Kanye: No! I am not no gay fish! Tom Snyder: Just gay? Kanye: I'm not gay and I'm not a fish! Man! Tom Snyder: [this time goes through joke one step at a time] You are male? Kanye: Damn right I'm male. Tom Snyder: A male that likes fish dicks. Kanye: Yeah, I like fishsticks. Tom Snyder: You like to put fish dicks in your mouth. Kanye: Yeah. Tom Snyder: You're a gay fish. Kanye: Alright, that does it! I'm gonna kick your motherfuckin' ass! [stands up pushes him off his chair] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids are having lunch in the school cafeteria. Stan and Kyle sit opposite each other this time. Cartman: And then it was on Leno and the Jimmy Kimmel show! Dude, that's our joke on national television. Kyle: We know, Cartman! Cartman: Nya nya nya nya nyaaa nya! We are comedy writers and you guys aren't! Ha ha ha ha haaa ha! Jimmy, I've been thinking: We've got to patent the fishsticks joke. Jimmy: P-patent? Cartman: Yeah dude, there's lots of people out there using our joke on their shows. We should be getting compensated. Jimmy: Well, Eric, th-that's really not how jokes work. I mean, you know, we should just be... happy that the joke is so popular and made a lot of people laugh. Cartman: Dude, fuck that! Maybe you were writing jokes for people's amusement, but I don't work for free. I'm gonna talk to a lawyer so we get what's coming to us! [smiles, takes his tray and walks away] Kyle: Jimmy, exactly what part of the fishsticks joke did Cartman write? Jimmy: Well, he didn't actually... write any of it. He just uh... Kyle: Let me guess: you wrote the joke, and Cartman just laid on the couch eating Twizzlers. Jimmy: Actually it was potato chips. Kyle: I knew it! Don't let that fat turd walk all over you, Jimmy! Stand up for yourself! Jimmy: W-well, I-I mean he, he was in the room. Craig: Then just give him half. Kyle: What? Craig: I like you Jimmy, but you're not gonna win this. Consider yourself lucky he's only asking for half. Kyle: Craig, if Cartman didn't do anything, then he doesn't deserve any of the credit! Craig: Yep. And if I had wheels, I'd be a wagon. Kyle: No dude, screw that! Jimmy, if Cartman didn't write the joke, then definitely don't sign any patent papers with him! Just say "Cartman, you didn't have anything to do with this joke and you know it!" Craig: Just give him half. Scene Description: Kanye speaks to a group of reporters at a conference somewhere. Kanye: There are a lot of people out there making up rumors about me that are malicious and untrue. But I'm going to prove once and for all: I'm not a fish. Because I am a genius, I've ascertained that fish have gills. [a doctor steps up next to him] Doctor, do I have gills? Doctor: He does not have gills. Kanye: You hear that? No gills! So I can't be a fish. And I'm a genius voice of a generation so I'm not gay! So that is that! Alright?! It's over! Now are there any questions? Reporter 1: Do you like fishsticks? Kanye: Love 'em! Reporter 2: You're a gay fish. [a third reporter laughs and soon the rest of the room is laughing] Kanye: No I'm not- AAAARGH! [grabs the sides of the podium and shakes with anger] Scene Description: Late Night with Conan O'Brien. Conan O'Brien: Alright, recently... Recently we've all come to know the fishsticks joke as probably the funniest, most awesome joke ever, but who originally came up with it? Well here's your answer. Joining us tonight, the brains behind the incredible fishsticks joke, the one and only Carlos Mencia. Carlos Mencia: [dancing in his seat] Yeheah, Vive la Mexico! Conan O'Brien: So Carlos, you've got a show on Comedy Central, a stand-up tour, where did you have time to come up with this classic joke? Mencia: Well you know I just kicking it with my homies and my brain, you know, my brain is always so full of ideas 'cause I'm so fonny and stuff, so I was just all like, ""Hey, Papito, you like fishsticks?" And my homeboy says "Yeah Carlos" you know, "you're so funny!" And then it just occurred to me. I said, "Oh man, you must be a gay fish, homes!" [the studio audience roars with laughter, and he begins to dance in his seat again] And this is how I came up with it, mi amigos! [Conan claps. Cartman, looking at the show on TV, is pissed off] Cartman: [shakes with rage, then turns left and walks away] Motherfucker! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Cartman runs up to Jimmy in the hallway. Cartman: Jimmy, dude, did you see?! Carlos Mencia is taking credit for our joke! Jimmy: Really? Cartman: Yeah dude. I told you this would happen. Now look, I got a lawyer to draw up some patent papers. We've got to sign these so that people know that the joke belongs to you and me! Jimmy: Aahhm, I don't know, Eric. I really don't think I want to sign that very much. Cartman: But Jimmy, some fat turd is taking credit for something he didn't do! Jimmy: Well, to be perfectly f-f-f-frank, Eric, I think I came up with a little bit more of the joke than you did. Cartman: What?! Jimmy: Well, you know, I mean, I basically wrote the thing, and you just kind of ate chips. Cartman: Jimmy, that's messed up. We decided that day to write together. Don't you remember? Scene Description: Cartman remembers entering Jimmy's house. Cartman: Hey Jimmy, wanna hang out? Jimmy: Sorry Eric, but I've gotta write some jokes. Unless you wanna team up or somethin'. Cartman: Team up? Okay, let's write some jokes together. Sarah: Here's some fishsticks guys. I hope you like fishsticks. Cartman: Do we like fishsticks? What does she think we are? Gay fish? [Jimmy and Cartman laugh, but Cartman notices something on Jimmy's desk.] Uh oh, look out, Jimmy, it's a black widow! [gets off the couch, gets a newspaper, walks over to the desk, and smashes the spider dead.] Jimmy: Wow, thanks Eric. Scene Description: Back to the present. Jimmy looks helpless. Jimmy: Is that... Is that how it happened? Cartman: Look, exactly who came up with which part of the joke isn't even relevant. We had an agreement Jimmy. And if you wanna go back on that now, well then you're no better than a Jew. Jimmy: I'm... I'm sorry? Cartman: It's cool man, it's cool. [turns around and walks away] Scene Description: Kanye West in Concert, night. at an indoor arena looking similar to Madison Square Garden Announcer: Here he is, y'all! Give it up for Kanye West! Kanye: [gets onstage] Yo. Ungh. Yo. [turns to look at the audience] Yo, whoa! Whoa, what the hell?! [a lot of audience members carry signs saying that Kanye is a gay fish and that he likes fishsticks] Audience: Gay fish! Gay fish! Gay fish! Kanye: Yo, fuck this noise, yo! [throws down his mic and storms offstage] Scene Description: Kanye's mansion, living room. He looks at a board while his entourage stands at the other end of the room looking at him. Kanye: Just doesn't make any sense, yo. Why is everyone calling me a gay fish? House: Kanye, look, we all think it would be better if you would just drop it. Ya-you know, I mean, ih-if you don't get it, you don't get it. Kanye: What do you mean, I don't get it, House?! I'm a genius. I'll understand it, I just need to break it down is all. Now let's see... [he's writing on a whiteboard. So far he has "Fishsticks plus Me equals Gayfish"] Somethin' about fishsticks... interacting with me... makes me gay fish. Aide 1: Kanye, really... Kanye: Shut up! [looks at the whiteboard again.] Alright, now what do we know about fishsticks? [adds more words to the board] They're breaded, they're fried, they're frozen. Then under me we have rapper, genius. And gay fish are homosexual. They swim. [begins connecting words] Is it because breaded has something to do with genius? Which swims? House: No, because you said you like fish dicks, Kanye! Don't, don't you get it? You see, fish dicks is a is a play on words. Kanye: I don't need anyone tellin' me "play on words"! I'm a motherfuckin' lyrical wordsmith motherfuckin' genius! Scene Description: The boys' restroom at South Park Elementary, day. Kyle is at the urinal when Cartman walks in a few seconds later. Cartman: Hey Kyle, can I talk to you for a second? Kyle: Dude, get out of here! I'm peeing. Cartman: [walks off a bit] It's just... I don't know what to do about Jimmy. I'm starting to think he might try and Jew me out of my half of the fishsticks joke. [Kyle zips up and goes to the sink to wash his hands] I just... need you to teach me some Jew defensive moves, Kyle. Because we really both did come up with it. [Kyle finishes up, grabs a paper towel, wipes his hands dry, and turns to Cartman] Kyle: You know what, Cartman? I believe you. Cartman: You do? Kyle: Yes, I believe that you believe you helped write that joke. That's how people like you work! Your ego is so out of whack that it will do whatever it can to protect itself. And people with a messed up ego can do these mental gymnastics to convince themselves they're awesome, when really, they're just douchebags! [turns and leaves the bathroom] Cartman: [after some thought] But, I'm sure I helped come up with the joke. Didn't I? Scene Description: Cartman remembers entering Jimmy's house. This time things go by quickly. Cartman: Hey Jimmy, what's up dawg? Jimmy: Oh hey Eric. Just workin' on some jokes. Cartman: That's cool. You wanna write some together? [walks out of view] Jimmy: Hey, that'd be great! I've always wanted to work with you. You're really funny and you're totally not fat. Cartman: [pulls up a chair] Cool, thanks. Let's get to work! Now let's see... something that's a play on words, I don't know... fishsticks. You know, 'cause it, 'cause dicks. Jimmy: Hey, you're really onto something there. Sarah: Hello Eric. Have some chips, because you're totally not fat at all. Cartman: Oh thank you Mrs. Valmer. [she walks off] Now let's see... The setup could be... "Do you like fishsticks?" Jimmy: Right. And then I say, "Yeah." Cartman: So then I can say, "What are you, a gay fish?" Jimmy: Oh wow, this is incredible! [something crashes into the house, making it shake violently. Jimmy and Cartman look at the source of the crash. A dragon wanders in] Sarah: What is that? Cartman: It's a dragon of some kind! Don't worry, I can save you all! [leaps out of his seat with a sword out of nowhere and slashes the dragon across the chest, making it bleed. It falls on its back all of a sudden. Eric leaps onto its body and stabs the sword into its chest. It dies.] Butters: [looks through the window] Hey look, Eric killed a dragon. Clyde: [opens the front door] He's the most awesome kid in school! Wendy: And he's not fat at all. Cartman: Thanks you guys! Scene Description: Back to the present. Cartman: Nnnope. No, I definitely helped write the joke. All I can hope is Jimmy doesn't try and Jew me over. Scene Description: Kanye's mansion, living room. He's written down some more stuff and made more connections on the whiteboard. Kanye: Is it perhaps that I'm fashionable, and fishsticks are crunchy? Aide 2: Yo Kanye, KANYE! We found him money. Kanye: Found who? Aide 2: You told us to track down whoever started the whole fishstick thang. We found out who, dawg. Mencia: [tied down to a chair in Kanye's study, his voice shaking] Come on, maaaan. What is this, maaaan? What the fuck is goin' on maaaan? [Kanye enters the room. His entourage makes way] Oh fuck maaaan, Kanye Wehhst? Noo shiiit maaan, okay look it wasn't me. I didn't really start the fishstick thing, alriight? Kanye: You're just sayin' that now 'cause you're scared. Mencia: No man it's truuue. I stole it maaan. I took credit for it 'cause I'm not actually funneee. Come on, maaan, do you know what it's like? Being a comedian but not being funneee? Come on, Kanye, I just take jokes and repackage them with a Mexican accent, maaan. Kanye: Think you can make fun of me? I'm a genius! I'm the voice of a generation! What are you?! Mencia: Nothing! Look at me maaan. I'm not funny, I steal jokes, my dick don't work maaan. I got to piss in a plastic bag, man, I got no dick. Kanye: I ain't gonna hurt you. I pay people to do that for me. Mencia: Awww shih oh no man, come on, I got no dick, man! [Kanye's men whip out their own back and start whacking Mencia all over. His right hand gets broken, his left shin bleeds. The men stop as Kanye approaches him] Kanye: [in Mencia's face] Now, explain it to me. Why do people think I'm a gay fish? Mencia: 'Cause... 'cause you like fish dicks, man. Come on, maaan. Don't you get it? Please, just get it, maaan. Kanye: Why- Look at me, look at me! [Mencia manages to look at him] I love fishsticks. I love putting fishsticks in my mouth. [waits a while for an answer] Mencia: You're a- ...you're a gay fish, maaan. [Kanye backs up, swings at Mencia and decapitates him, leaving his head hanging from his body by some skin] Scene Description: Ellen. Ellen DeGeneres: Thank you, thank you very much. Well, about a week ago our country was blessed with the fishsticks joke. And ever since then us comedians have been kicking ourselves for not thinking of it. [the audience laughs] But today we have with us the true creators of the fishsticks joke. Please welcome the comedy team of Cartman and Valmer. [Cartman and Jimmy go onstage and sit on the couch facing Ellen] Hey guys! Cartman: Hi Ellen. [to the audience] Do you guys like fishsticks? [the audience laughs] Thank you, thank you. No, really. Thank you. Ellen: So guys, I gotta ask: how did you come up with this incredible joke? Jimmy: It was just a- Cartman: Ellen, comedy is like a game of racquetball, you know? You serve, and the other person hits it back. It bounces off the wall, you backhand it. And it goes back and forth and back and forth and then hopefully you've got a good joke. Thank you. Ellen: But guys, this joke is so... perfect. Can you explain how nobody thought of it before? Jimmy: Well Ellen, the tr- tr- tr- Cartman: Truth of the matter is that there has never really been a team like us before. I mean let's be perfectly honest: a lot of people wouldn't work with someone who's disabled. But I see past that. I look beyond Jimmy's disabilities and find ...a bond which can unite us in comedy. Working with crippled people is really ...important. [the audience applauds and cheers] Ellen: That's so great. And, and are you crying, Jimmy? Jimmy: Yes Ma'am. [the best and worst of times for him] Cartman: Ahaw don't cry, pal. You're gonna get me started. Anyway, what was really important for us as a team, Ellen, was to make sure that everyone knew that we came up with the joke, and not Carlos Butthole Mencia. Ellen: I see. And did you know that Carlos Mencia was found dead in his house this morning with fishsticks stuffed down his open neck hole? [Jimmy and Cartman are alarmed] Cartman: Uhhh excuse me? [the crowd gets rowdy.] Scene Description: Kanye's mansion. He was looking at the show with bat in hand... Kanye: Get my jet ready. Looks like we got another inning to play. [walks up to the wall-mounted TV and smashes it with the bat.] Scene Description: Jimmy's house, day, Jimmy's room. Cartman and Jimmy enter, with Jimmy still distraught. Cartman: Alright, so check it out: We've got offers from Van de Kamp's and Gorton's Fisherman to do commercials. Jimmy: It's always been my dream to go on a national TV show and talk about the c-c-craft of comedy. Cartman: Yeah, that was kewl huh? Jimmy: Eric, there's something I really need to know. Cartman: Whassat? Jimmy: How do you live with yourself? You know you had nothing to do with the fishsticks joke. [Cartman gets worried] But you just keep pretending. How do you look at yourself in the f-f-fucking mirror?! That's what I want to know! Cartman: So... here it is. Jimmy: How do you take credit for something you didn't do?! Cartman: That is bullcrap Jimmy, and you know it! I had just as much to do with the fishsticks joke as you did! [Kanye kicks the bedroom door open and enters the room. His men pour in and start smashing the furniture apart] Dude, it's Puff Daddy! Kanye: Tie up these motherfuckers! [cut to the next scene, in which Kanye swings at a lamp and shatters it, then looks at his hostages] Now I'm gonna ask you motherfuckers one more time: why did you start these rumors about me?! Jimmy: Please, I wasn't starting rumors about you. I don't even know who you are. Kanye: Aw right. Everyone knows who I am! I wanna know how this got started! Jimmy: Well, we, we were just talking about ideas for jokes and then- Cartman: Oh, so now it's we, huh Jimmy? A minute ago you said you did it all yourself! Jimmy: Well I just but I buh I was, gonna ebeh- Cartman: Abebeh, abebebebebeah! We both came up with it together! You wanna know how it happened?! Scene Description: The fourth recollection. Cartman enters Jimmy's house in a rather nice outfit and sunglasses. Cartman: Hello Jim. Jimmy: Oh boy! It's my best pal, Eric! Cartman: [moves the glasses back over his cap] What are you up to? Jimmy: I'm trying to write jokes. But I'm not as funny as you, so it's tough. Cartman: Well, maybe I can help you. We can team up. [goes for a chair] Jimmy: Ruh really? Wow, you would help me even though I'm crippled. You are caring and not fat. [hands his joke sheet to Cartman as Cartman brings the chair over and sits next to him] Cartman: Now let's see, how about a joke that has something to do with... fishsticks. You know, 'cause fishsticks sounds like fish dicks, Jimmy. Sarah: [brings in a plate of potato chips] Eric Cartman, you are handsome and not even remotely fat. Cartman: Thanks. [Sarah walks away] So, what I'm thinking is, "Do you like fishsticks in your mouth?" [something crashes into the house, making it shake violently. Jimmy and Cartman look around.] Jimmy: What was that? [Butters opens the door and steps in] Butters: Eric! Eric, you have to save us! An entire army of Jew robots! [outside, everyone scatters as robots march down the street firing off semiautomatic weapons. Cartman runs out to see what's happening. Butters and Jimmy follow right behind. Officer Barbrady and Mayor McDaniels look on helplessly] Cartman: Oh my God, what are Jewbots doing here? [takes off his glasses] Flame on! [becomes engulfed in flames and flies into the air. He then sends streams of flames at the robots, destroying them instantly. He flies back down to his starting point] Flame off! [the flames disappear. Other fourth graders appear: Annie, Millie, Red, Clyde, Token and Wendy] Wendy: You saved everyone from the Jewbots, Cartman. Cartman: Come on, Jimmy, we gotta go back and finish that joke! [runs in and finishes the joke in a flourish. Jimmy walks in] "Like fishsticks in your mouth? What are you a gay fish?" There! [other kids look in] Jimmy: Wow Eric, in-credible! Too bad I'm a dick and I'm gonna take all the credit. Su-su-suck it, bitch! Scene Description: Back to the present. Cartman: Aw dammit! I guess it really was all me who came up with it. Jimmy: What?! Cartman: You've gotta let Jimmy go, it's all my fault. Jimmy: Jesus Eric, he's gonna kill you! You won't even admit it was just me, knowing you're gonna die? Cartman: Jimmy, you really believe that you came up with it all on your own? Oh my God, wait. I totally get it now. Kanye: What? I, I still don't get anything. Cartman: All this time I've been mad at you, Jimmy, for trying to take all the credit, but, now I realize it's just that your ego has made you believe things happened differently. That's what Kyle was trying to tell me. That you have such a huge ego you do these mental gymnastics to make yourself a part of things. Jimmy: Rih, r-r-really? Cartman: I thought you were just trying to Jew me out of my part of the credit, but now I realize that... some people just have egos that are so out of whack that no matter what people tell them, they can't accept the truth of who they are. [Kanye looks as if Cartman is talking about him] Jimmy, I owe you an apology. I realize now you can't help believing you created the entire joke, because your ego won't let you think otherwise. I just have to accept that. Jimmy: Thanks, Eric, for being so understanding. Kanye: He's right. For so long I've considered myself God's gift to the world that I couldn't take it when people made fun of me. But they weren't makin' fun of me. They were tryin' to help me. [walks up to the boys and genuflects before them] Boys I understand what you did now. [to his men] Untie them guys. I know what I have to do. Scene Description: The Santa Monica Pier, furthest point from land. Kanye stands at the edge of the pier ready to jump in. Aide 2: Yo Kanye! You sure about this? Kanye: It's time for me to stop runnin'. I need to believe what people tell me. [turns and faces his entourage.] Let all my fans know I love 'em, but a gay fish just can't live in the outside world forever. Don't be sad for me guys! [turns around, runs, and dives into the ocean below] I'm goin' home! [his crew looks down into the water as Kanye begins swimming in his new environment] Scene Description: The waters off Santa Monica Beach. Kanye is swimming among the fish as a song begins... Kanye: (Uh. Come on.) I've been so lonely, girl, I've been so sad and down. Couldn't understand why haters joked around I wanted to be free with other creatures like me And now I got my wish... 'Cuz I know that I'm a gay fish gay fish (Gay fish, yo) Motherfuckin' gay fish gay fish (I'm a fish, yo) Going on a gay fish gay fish (it's alright, girl) Makin' love to other gay fish gay fish (Unh) All those lonely nights at the grocery store In the frozen fish aisle feeling like a whore  'Cuz I wasn't being true even though everyone said That I had to make a switch (gay fish)... Now I know that I'm a gay fish gay fish (Gay fish, yo) Motherfuckin' gay fish gay fish (I'm a, I'm a fish, yo) Going on a gay fish gay fish (Yes, now where I belong, girl) Making love to other gay fish. Scene Description: During the song, the following happens: Kanye begins to swim like a fish. He spots a yellow fish and lets it circle him a few times. He then hugs it and takes it to the surface. He then gives it a French kiss, then flips backwards into the water with it. He swims again, alone, when a large fish begins to follow him. He notices, swims to it, and begins to rub against it. Then he just swims with it, hugging its belly.

Scene Description: A close-up of Stan and Randy working on a tiny car. Randy is doing pretty much all the work. They are in the basement. Randy: Alright, [measures the length of the car's body] that's 2.8 centimeters... should give us a drag of only.. 26 milliseconds. Hold the front here, Stan. [Stan holds on to the car's front end as Randy whips out a cordless drill. Randy bores into the rear end of the car as Sharon comes down the stairs.] Sharon: Hey guys, it's almost 2 a.m. Randy: [looks over his shoulder] We know! Sharon: Well it's way past time for bed. Randy: Sharon, Stan's Pinewood Derby race is tomorrow! Do you have any idea how important this is to him? Stan is not gonna lose to the goddamn Hollises again! Sharon: Well it's just a block of wood and some wheels; I don't think there's that much more you can do with it. Randy: That's 'cause you're a chick! Now just leave us alone! [turns his attention to the car again. Sharon goes upstairs] Don't worry, son, the Hollises are not beating us this year! I went and got something to put inside our car and make it go extra-fast. [pulls out a small box] Stan: Dad, we're not allowed to add anything to the car that doesn't come in the approved kit, remember? Randy: Stan, how do you think the Hollises beat us every year? [opens the box to reveal a small glowing metallic ball, picks it up with some tongs] I'm sure they put lead in the wood or something; we're just leveling the playing field. [puts the small ball in the hole he just drilled out, then plugs the hole up with a stopper that lines up flush with the car body] There. Stan: What is that? Randy: It's, uh it's nothing, really. Scene Description: Channel 9 News. Reporter: Tom, I'm standing outside the Hadron particle super-collider in Switzerland, where authorities are shocked and baffled over the theft of a superconducting bending magnet created for use in tests with particle acceleration. Stan: [watching TV] Oh no, he didn't. Reporter: The superconducting magnet was stolen sometime last week. Surveillance cameras were able to record the theft on tape and police are now looking for [a picture of Randy dressed as Princess Leia] Princess Leia Organa of Alderaan. Caught here in these photos, the troubled rebel princess is seen taking the superconducting magnet and then appearing disoriented as she tries to find her way out. [Stan buries his head into his right palm in shame] If you have any information of Princess Leia's whereabouts, please call your local police department. Scene Description: Pinewood Derby Colorado State Championship, track area. Judge: Alright Scouts and Dads, the racing continues. And it looks like our next heat is ready to go, in 3, 2, 1, race! [four boys release their cars. Token and Butters are two of the boys. The cars slide down a ramp and onto the straightaway, and hit a barrier at the other end of the track. Neither Token nor Butters wins] Two point one seconds for Tommy Bretts. Looks like we have a new leader, folks. Tommy and his dad: [hi-five each other] All right! Scene Description: Pinewood Derby Colorado State Championship, Registration area. Stan and Randy enter the building. Randy: Alright Stan, we're gonna need to check in and have our car inspected to qualify. [kneels down next to Stan] Now, son, Daddy needs to teach you something very important about "tells." Stan: Tells? Randy: When you tell them you only used the approved kit, don't look up and away, don't rub your neck, and don't touch your ear. Otherwise they'll know you're lying to them. Alright? Whenever you need to lie, just don't look up and away, rub your neck, or touch your ear. Stan: Dad, maybe we should just take out the thing you put in the car an- Randy: Son. ...You have to learn how to lie correctly someday, might as well be today, alright? I love you, son. [rubs his neck and looks up and away. Stan notices and is shocked.] Official: Looks good. Thank you and good luck today. [the boy and his father leave, Stan and his father step up] Alright, next please. [Stan hands him his car. Randy rubs his neck again, then grins nervously] Name? Stan: It's uh, Marsh. [the official puts the car on a small stand, then measures and weighs it] Official: Alright, car weighs in at 15 ounces. Do you hereby swear that you used parts in the official Pinewood Derby kit and only parts in the official Pinewood Derby kit? Randy: [coaxing Stan through gritted teeth] Yes I do, yes I do. Stan: [in a resigned voice] Yes I do. Official: Alright young man, good luck today. [hands the car back to Stan. He and Randy walk away] Randy: [to himself, pumping both fists] Oh! Yes! [nearby they run into Mr. Hollis and son] Mr. Hollis: Well well, look son, it's the Marshes. Randy: Ey Hollis. You, uh, you guys race already? Mr. Hollis: No, little Emmett hasn't gone yet. Think they're saving the best for last. [pats Emmett's head and holds up their car] Clocked her in at home at 1.5 seconds. It's the fastest car we've ever built. Randy: One point five? Scene Description: Pinewood Derby Colorado State Championship, track area. Judge: The time to beat is 1.9 seconds. May we please have... Brewster, Marsh, Jarvis, and Hollis. [the boys line up behind the starting gate, their cars in position. Emmett and Stan are next to each other] Mr. Hollis: Huh, only fitting our boys should be going head to head for their match, hey Marsh? Heh. [sips from a can of Dr Pep-er] Randy: Come on, Stan, you can do this! [claps enthusiastically] Judge: Alright, kids, are you ready? Here we go, last race for the state championship in 3, 2, 1, Go! [the boys release their cars and Emmett's car takes the lead.] Mr. Hollis: You got it Emmett! [Stan's car begins to shimmy and spark, then stretch itself. It soon takes off, blowing hair and papers around. It crashes through the wall and up into the air outside, shearing off a tree limb. It kills a bird on its way up, then buzzes a passenger jet plane. It heads right out into space. Everyone in the competition goes outside and follows the car's trajectory] Randy: Oh yeah! [jumps around] Oh yeah! [jabs a finger at Hollis] Suck on that, Hollis! Scene Description: The Channel Nine news graphics appear. Announcer: This is Nine News at Ten. Anchorman: A Colorado boy and his father have set a new record at the Pinewood Derby. [a picture of the two winners appears over his left shoulder] Stan and Randy Marsh not only broke a speed record, but actually appear to have bent time and space and discovered warp speed. [Emmett is watching the news on his couch, sad that he lost] A parade was held for the winners earlier today [they're riding on a space shuttle float during the parade], and already offers for commercials and endorsement deals for the father and son appear to be pouring in. [Emmett goes to his father's study and trophy room and watches him] Emmett: Dad, I just want you to know I still love you. [a gun is cocked and Mr. Hollis kills himself with a gunshot through the head. The head and left arm quickly fall to his desk.] Waaaagh! [begins to hyperventilate] He's OK, he's OK, he's OK, he's OK, he's OK- Scene Description: Space. The car has run out of fuel and is now tumbling through space. A tractor beam comes on and freezes it in place, then pulls it towards a large ship. Scene Description: Stan's house, day. Stan comes in and opens the door. Two agents are at the front door. Agent Marx: Stan Marsh? Stan: Yeah? Agent Clark: I'm Agent Clark [on the left] and this is Agent Marx [on the right. Both men whip out their badges. They are members of the NSA] We'd like to talk to you about your Pinewood Derby car. Stan: Aw crap, Dad! [the men enter the house and walk past Stan. He closes the door behind them] Agent Clark: Young man, what we are about to tell you is a matter of national security. Yesterday every country and embassy on Earth was contacted by... an alien life force. Stan: Alien? Agent Marx: [they turn around] Apparently the alien came across your Pinewood Derby car and is now headed to our planet. Stan: What does it want? Agent Clark: We believe that they intend to welcome us into the Galactic Federation of Planets. They will want to meet the people who discovered warp speed for our species. Randy: [coming down the stairs with a cup of coffee] Stan, did you use all the damned toilet paper agai-? [jumps back when he sees the men] Aw crap! [walks towards them defensively] What?! What do you guys want?! We said we only used what was in the kit! You got nothin' on us! You got nothin' on us! Stan: Dad they aren't here for that. Randy: [lowers his guard and shakes Agent Marx's hand] Oh. Hi, I'm Randy Marsh. Agent Clark: Mr. Marsh, we were just telling your son that thanks to you, we have made first contact with alien life. Randy: [surprised, softly] What? [looks to his right and says normally] Hey, hey Sharon. Agent Marx: NASA's confirmed that an alien ship has entered our solar system and it is headed here. Randy: So, so guess what? Our Pinewood Derby car found alien life in space. Sharon: [walks in from the kitchen with her own cup of coffee] What? Oh my God. Randy: Yeah, but I guess it's just a dumb little race like you said, huh Sharon? Scene Description: South Park, evening. The town is gathered around an open space waiting for the aliens to drop down into the city. Channel 9 News and News 4 are waiting to record the event. An orchestra plays in a temporary gazebo, and a banner above it says "WELCOME, GALACTIC FRIENDS." An organizer guides Randy and Stan to a prime spot in the clearing. Reporter: The world holds its breath as an alien ship prepares to land. Now that our planet has achieved warp speed, we're about to be welcomed into the universal society. All thanks to a father and son who broke the warp barrier using only the parts in this [holds up a packet] Pinewood Derby car kit. General: Mr. Marsh, you are on with all the world leaders. [gives him a cell phone. Randy's now on a conference call] Randy: Hullo? Gordon Brown: Godspeed, Mr. Marsh. Nicolas Sarkozy: Ze nation of France iz with you. Taro Aso: Good ruck witha 'harien, Mista Marsh. Hu Jintao: Prease say herro froma China. Randy: Oh okay uh, uh stand by I- I think it's, I think it's landing. [A huge shadow falls over South Park as the ship descends. Three metallic feet come out of the bottom of the ship and set themselves on the asphalt, allowing the ship to land softly] Reporter: Our first encounter with extraterrestrial life is about to happen. Will it be like in Star Trek: First Contact? Or will it be more like Contact, with Jody Foster? [the ship's doors open, a virtual ramp appears, and the alien walks down the ramp to the street.] Alien: I seek the life forms that made this. [holds up the car Stan launched into space.] Randy: That's ours, Mr. Alien. We are the Marshes, Randy and Stan. Alien: Oh yeah? [affects the manners and voice of a 1930's mobster, holds up a ray gun] You're gonna build me another one, see? Randy: He's got a gun! Alien: Everyone down on the ground! [everyone gets on the ground with their hands over their heads] Get those hands up! Let me see those hands! Do it now! I mean it! Show me those hands! I'm Baby Fark McGee-zax, the greatest gangster this universe has ever seen, right?! Townsman: You can't threaten us! [a blast from the alien's gun injures his thigh and he goes down] Ow! McGee-zax: Who wants it next, huh?! [a shot of the crowd at Times Square] Anyone else on this planet wanna be a hero? [the crowd there covers its head, as do the various world leaders] Randy: What do you want? McGee-zax: I'm on the lam. Got the entire Federation of Planets after me. But they ain't gonna catch me, ya got that?! They might have busted my warp drive, but you obviously know how to make 'em! [tosses the car to Randy, who catches it] New Yorker: Screw this guy! He can't take out all of us! [McGee-zax fires into the air and the New Yorker gets a sparking sting on his right shoulder] Aargh! McGee-zax: I can kill any mug on this two-bit planet I want! [a shot of McGee-zax from Akihabara, Tokyo. The Japanese cower and react to his image] You build me a new warp drive or you're all gonna get it, see?! Judge: Fine. He can build you what you want. All he needs is the official Pinewood Derby kit. Right Marsh? Randy: Uh, yeah. Yeah, that's all we need, huh Stan? [under his breath] Oh boy. Scene Description: The South Park Market parking lot. Stan and Randy attempt to recreate the supersonic car they made earlier. Just as in the basement, Randy is to the left. Randy: Okay, let's ah put the wheels on now, son. McGee-zax: What's takin' so long?! You're stallin'! Stephen: Come on Randy, just build him the warp drive and he'll leave us alone. Randy: We're working on it! [McGee-zax begins to pace back and forth behind them] Stan: [whispering] Dad. Dad, you know we can't make the car go as fast as before with only the approved Pinewood Derby kit. Randy: [whispering] Yeah, thanks Stan, I know that. Stan: [whispering] Well we have to tell them we used something outside the kit. Randy: [whispering] Do you have any idea how stupid that would make us look?! McGee-zax: Alright, that does it! [fires off another shot into the sky. A second later Randy gets a call on his cell phone] Randy: Hello? Silvio Berlusconi: They justa blew up our government building! Ya got to hurry! Gordon Brown: Mr. Marsh, why won't you finish the Pinewood Derby car?! Randy: Will you just give us a minute?! Gau!! Stan: Come on, Dad. We've gotta come clean. Randy: [feeling the stress of urgency] Awhuh. [a siren sounds in the distance. In the sky another space ship shows up, with police sirens on it] McGee-zax: Aw zahts, it's the intergalactic police. Randy: What?! [McGee-zax pulls out a small remote control from his left front pocket and aims it at his ship. One click and the ship is cloaked in invisibility. McGee-zax then takes Stan captive and backs away holding a gun to Stan's head] McGee-zax: You'd better get rid of 'em or your whole planet is gonna get it, see?! [goes towards South Park Market] You tell 'em you ain't seen nothin', you got that?! [the sliding doors open and he takes Stan into the store] I ain't goin' to space jail! [the doors close. The police ship lands and two space officers come out and walk down their ramps to the ground. One officer has two mouths, the other just one. Both of them have four eyes and broad shoulders] Officer 1: 'Scuse us, Earthlings, but uh, we've been in pursuit of a criminal from the Xenon galaxy. Fella by the name of Baby Fark McGee-zax? Randy: Uh, no. [pulls at his ear vigorously] We haven't seen anything. Officer 1: Well, ya think anyone else on your planet might have seen him? Randy: Ahhh actually I- I happen to be on the phone with all the world leaders- I- I can ask. Uh yeah, listen, these, uh, police aliens are here, and they're wondering if anyone's seen an alien named Baby Fark McGee-zax. Hu Jintao: Uh uh no, no, we haven't seen arien. Nicolas Sarkozy: Uh we've seen nothing here in France. Randy: Sorry, nobody in the world has seen anything. Uh... what did this... criminal alien do, exactly? Officer 1: He stole over 600 parsohns of space cash from the universal bank. You're absolutely sure you didn't see an alien land here? Randy: No, we're sure. Officer 1: So then... we're the first aliens you've ever seen? Randy: That's right, yep, you're the first ones. Officer 1: You don't seem that excited about your first contact with alien life. Randy: ...Uh. That's r-. That's right! [shakes his head in mock surprise] Oh, oh my God! Hey everybody, we just made first contact! Officer 1: [hands Randy his translucent shimmering business card] If you do see any sign of the other alien or the space cash you- Randy: We will give you a call! Officer 1: Mathematical semi-tonal is fine. [the space officers go back up their ramps to the ship, the ramps vanish behind them. Two blinking orbs appear above the ship and it takes off.] Scene Description: The police ship. Officer 1: Huh. Officer 2: [uses both mouths] Something wrong, sir? Officer 1: I don't know, Davert. Just somethin' about that planet didn't feel right. [blinks] Scene Description: Back on the parking lot, Randy gives Stan the car body. Randy: Alright son, now you just paint the racing stripe like you did before. McGee-zax: I don't need it painted, I just need it functional, all right?! [waves the gun around] Randy: Hey, the right paint job is a big part of what makes a Pinewood Derby car go fast! Judge: That's true. McGee-zax: I swear, if you don't have that thing workin' in three minutes this whole planet is done for! Stan: Dad, it's over. We have to tell everyone we cheated. Randy: No. I've got it all figured out, son. You have to kill the alien. Stan: [alarmed] Kill the alien? Randy: Sshh! I've been filing down this piece of metal into a shank. I'm gonna call him over here to look at the car, and when I do, you shove that in his neck. Stan: No. Dad, we don't even know what'll happen. McGee-zax: What are you two whispering about, riiight? Randy: Oh no, that's uh that's it. We're done. Uh here. Come, come take a look. Stan: Dad? [McGee-zax comes in for a closer look] Randy: Here, see? Here look, look real close at the axles here. [McGee-zax studies the axles, and Stan jabs him in the neck with the shank, making him bleed and vomit profusely and then die] Yeahaah! Ahalright, you got him son! Scene Description: The general takes the remote from McGee-zax's corpse and removes the cloak from the ship with it. General: Alright men, check the ship. [he and a bunch of lab techs board the ship and look around] Randy: [kneels by Stan] You see Stan? What did Daddy tell you? Everything worked out. Stan: I guess so. It just still doesn't feel right. Randy: But Stan, it's over now. We'll never have to lie again. General: Hey Marsh, get in here! [Randy gets up and goes up the ramp into the ship. Stan follows.] Scene Description: Inside the ship. The general, lab techs, and a few townsfolk are inside now. Stan and Randy make their way through the group. Stephen: Can you believe it? Randy: Oh my God. Spaaace caaash. [Before them is a towering pile of glittering blue bills] General: Looks like those alien cops were right. Guess you should call them back now. Randy: Right. [takes out his phone but has second thoughts.] Or what if we didn't call the cops? Stephen: Huh? Randy: Well I mean... [walks up to the pile] this is a lot of space cash, guys. Think o'what we could do with it. Stan: No, Dad- Mr. Garrison: He's right. We don't have to call the police back. General: All right, let's get the cash put into boxes! [the men get to work] Scene Description: Outside the ship. Randy is pleased with himself as he goes down the ramp. Stan follows him out. Stan: Whoawhoawhoa Dad, what are we doing? Randy: Will you relax, Stan? [his phone rings and he answers it] Taro Aso: Don't think you can keep the all the space cash for yourself! Angela Merkel: That's right! This is all of our planet; the space cash belongs to all of us! John Howard: Either America shares that space cash with the rest of the world or we will tell the space cops! Randy: Alright, fine, look: there's plenty of space cash to go around! [hangs up on the leaders] Thanks to us, our planet is rich, son! [the general and other federal agents take the space cash away in boxes as Randy grins] Scene Description: Four days later, in front of the fugitive ship. Randy is on his cell phone negotiating with the other world leaders. Randy: Oh no, China, we get to keep the ship. Because we killed the alien, you boner! Oh-oh come on England, you got just as much of the space cash as everyone else! [A siren is heard. Randy looks up to the sky and sees the space cops returning, but forgets to cloak the ship] Oh crap it's the cops! Hang on. [the police ship lands and the alien officers exit their ship] Ah hey, space officers. Officer 1: Looks like the alien criminal did land here after all. Randy: Oh, that- You were talking about that alien. Oh yeah that one, he was here, yeah. He landed here, but we... we killed him. Officer 1: And so, did you find the missing space cash? Randy: [thinks a moment] Nnno. Space cash? No. [strokes his ear, then rubs his neck with his left hand] There wasn't any space cash. Officer 2: Well maybe someone else on your planet knows where it is? Randy: Hey ah ah, any of you other countries see any space cash? Vladimir Putin: No space cash. Taro Aso: No we haven't- Gordon Brown: No space cash. Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva: No. Randy: Yeah, it doesn't look like the space cash was ever here. Officer 1: Uh huh. Guess he must have dropped it off at some other planet. Randy: [relieved] Probably. Officer 1: Well you folks all take care now. [the officers turn to leave, but they turn around once again] Just... one more thing, Earthlings, uh... We had some images done of your planet and it appears that one of your poorer countries - Mexico? - has built 32 new hospitals and seven water parks in the last four days. Randy: [silent for a moment] Oh... Yeah, Mexico. You know oh, oh, yeah. All of us other countries chipped in and uh, gave Mexico some aid. Yeah they really needed... some new water parks. Officer 1: Uh huh. Have a good day. [the officers turn and head up the ramps. The doors close and the police ship leaves the planet once again] Randy: [gets back on the phone] Hey. Hey Mexico! We said no spending the space cash yet! [a shot of the Mexican president at his desk with a new water park right outside his window] What the hell are you doing?! Will some country that speaks Spanish yell at Mexico please? They're gonna ruin everything! Scene Description: Stan's room, later. Stan sits on his bed and holds his trophy, but he's not happy about it. He looks at it for a long while, then gets off his bed, walks over to his toy box, and puts the trophy on the lid. He puts his hands behind his back and holds one wrist with the other hand. He then looks at newspaper clippings from the day of the race. The headlines are as follows: "FATHER AND SON SET PINEWOOD DERBY RECORD", "WARP SPEED DISCOVERED", "DAD AND SON GREET VISITORS FROM OTHER WORLD!", "DERBY WINNER KILLS ALIEN," "CHINA BUILDS 48 NEW SOCCER STADIUMS." Stan sighs silently, sadly. Scene Description: The Marsh house, kitchen. Randy is back on the phone with the world leaders, but he's getting disheveled. Randy: No, Japan! Will you listen to me for five seconds?! If you keep building giant robots the cops are gonna ask questions! Taro Aso: Well then why can Engrand build a nuclear power plant?! Randy: Nobody can build anything!! Gordon Brown: Yeah, well, it's not even gonna matter, because Finland is thinking about telling the space cops the truth! Randy: Wha?! Finland?! [Stan walks by the kitchen to see what's going on] Matti Vanhanen: We believe the aliens are going to find out sooner or later what we did. It's best we come clean now. Randy: [getting exasperated] Will you just relax, Finland?! Nobody is gonna find out anything. Matti Vanhanen: I'm sorry, but our nation is resolved. We cannot live with the guilt anymore. Randy: Okay okay! [Stan leaves] You're right. You're right, Finland! Okay? You're right. Can you just... let us other countries talk pr-private, for a moment? Matti Vanhanen: Very well. [goes on hold] Randy: All right you guys, we've gotta get rid of Finland. Hu Jintao: Yep, we gotta take out Finrand, they gonna squeal. John Howard: Yeah, I think we all agree. Guys? [eight leaders are shown onscreen and they all agree] Scene Description: Outer space. Missiles from around the world begin to flow towards Finland and bomb the place. Scene Description: The Marsh house, night. The family is having a nice quiet dinner when the police ship returns to South Park. Randy wipes his mouth dry and leaves the table. Randy: Oh dammit! Scene Description: The landing area. A crowd gathers again and Randy walks up to the ship. Randy: Uh hey, space officers. How can we help you? Officer 1: Well we're a little puzzled over one of your countries? Uh, Finland? Randy: [rubs his neck again] Whaa-wha-what about it? Officer 2: It appears to have been... destroyed. Randy: [feigning surprise] Whaaat? Oh my God, not Finland. Crowd: Oh no, not Finland. Randy: Hey guys, Finland's dead. Vladimir Putin: Oh no. No! Nooo. Taro Aso: Noo, not a Finrand! Raila Odinga: All of Finland, gone. Randy: Yeah, somebody better break the news to Norway; they were really close. Officer 1: None of you knew anything about Finland's destruction? Randy: [rubs his neck again] No, I mean... Odds are, they nuked themselves. You know, suicide. Officer 2: We didn't say anything about nukes. Randy: Or, or whatever they did, I'm sayin'. Stan: 'Scuse me! 'Scuse me! [the crowd makes way for him as he walks up to the ship] Everyone, I have an announcement to make. I'm giving back my Pinewood Derby trophy! [hands it to the judge] Judge: [takes the trophy] What? Randy: Stan? Stan: The truth is, I don't deserve this trophy. 'Cause I cheated on my Pinewood Derby car. I used something not in the approved kit. [the crowd reacts to this admission.] Taro Aso: Not in the approved kit?! John Howard: He cheated on the Pinewood Derby? Stan: This trophy isn't mine, and so I have to give it back! Because if I'm not honest now, then I'll have to keep this lie going forever. And it will just grow and grow. [everyone, including the world leaders from Kenya and South Korea, hangs on Stan's every word] Randy: Well Stan, we're proud of you for coming clean. But it doesn't change the fact that you cheated. Go to your room, son. Officer 1: Your son seems to have some pretty inspirational words. You sure you Earthlings have nothing else to tell us? Randy: [gets on the phone with the other leaders] Hey uh, do we have anything else to tell the space cops? Gordon Brown: Nope. Nicolas Sarkozy: Nope. Han Seung-soo: No changes. Raila Odinga: Nope. Vladimir Putin: No changes. Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva: Nope. Hu Jintao: No. Tell them no. John Howard: No changes. Randy: [rubs his neck] Yeah, no, we've told you everything, space officers. Officer 1: All right, that's it then. Come on out sir, it appears to be over. [a door on the lower level of the ship drops down from the outer wall to become a ramp, and a figure stands at the entrance, then walks down the ramp. The figure looks familiar...] Randy: [jumps back in horror] Aw shit, it's Baby Fark McGee-zax! McGee-zax: My real name is Kevern Zaksor. I am the ambassador to new planet testing. [Stan and Randy look at each other] Gordon Brown: What the hell are they talking about? Kevern Zaksor: These are not space cops. [the officers remove their helmets] There is no space jail, and space cash is only worth what you as a planet decided it was worth. I mean, how stupid is your species? Space jail? Baby Fark McGee-zax? Randy: It was... a trick? Officer 2: Whenever a civilization discovers warp speed, we want to bring them into the Federation of Planets, but first we do the space cash test, to see if that species is worthy of joining. Kevern Zaksor: Needless to say, you all failed. [he and the two officers go back inside the ship. He turns at his door's entrance and clears his throat] People of earth, since you did not return the space cash, your species and your planet is hereby forever blocked off and barred from the rest of the universe. Goodbye. [his door closes. The ramps all go back into the ship and the ship takes off] Randy: No heywaitwait, no! [the ship zooms away from the planet and leaves behind two probes that evolve into a cube of energy shields] Well that sucks!

Scene Description: South Park Elementary Cafeteria, lunchtime. The boys are seated at a table and Cartman runs up to them with a map. Cartman: You guys! You guys! We can finally do it! We can finally leave this crappy town and live the life we've all dreamed of! Butters: We can? Stan: What are you talking about, dude? Cartman: Haven't you assholes been watching the news? [rolls the map flat on the table] Pirating is back, my friends. Swashbuckling adventure on the high seas! The stuff we've all dreamed about! And it's all happening right here: [points to the circled nation on the map] Somalia. Clyde: Somalia? Where's that? Cartman: North Africa. Just picture it, guys: clear blue water with skull islands. Waterfalls and jeweled treasure underneath. Butters: [in thrall] Whoa. Cartman: I've worked it all out on Expedia. [traces the route from Denver to Somalia] We can take Southwest Airlines to Miami, then Dubai Air here to Cairo, and then it's just a 49-hour bus ride into Mogadishu, with all the booty and plunder a pirate could want. Kyle: Wow, you know, Cartman? That is an awesome idea. You should totally go to Somalia. Cartman: Right, and wi- [stops] Wait a minute. You never think my ideas are good, Kyle. Kyle: No, I'm being totally serious. That is the best idea you've ever had. You should run away to Mogadishu. You should go there right away. I'll even help pay for your ticket. Cartman: Wow, cool! Wait a minute. The fuck?! Why would you do that? Unless... you're trying to trick me somehow. Kyle: Nono, you're right. Somalia is an oasis of treasure and waterfalls. It's totally the pirate's life. Cartman: Then why don't you wanna go? Kyle: Well, c-cause dude, I'm Jewish, a-and you know... Kyle, Cartman: Jews can't be pirates. Cartman: That's true. Well, I'm glad you've finally come to terms with your disability, Kyle. [rolls up the map] Gentlemen, I'm off to start planning! [walks away] Kyle: [puts his hands together and prays] Please. Please let him go. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Garrison's class. The students are in their seats. Three notes play over the PA system. Gordon Stoltski: Good morning, students. These are the morning announcements. Teacher-parent conferences have been rescheduled to next Tuesday. [Mr. Garrison reads during the announcements] Please inform your parents. The gym is being repainted, and is closed until tomorrow afternoon. And now for a special announcement: Cartman: Avast there, mateys! [the class looks up at the speaker] Do ya have a thirst for adventure on the high seas of life? [a shot of some kids in the hall, including sixth graders] Arrre you sick and tired of your parents and teachers telling you what to do all the time? [a shot of the kindergarten class, and its teacher] Then join Captain Cartman's Perfect Pirate Club, arrrr! [back to Mr. Garrison's class] Just imagine it, me hearties! A life without rules, without homework and chores! You can live the pirate's life in Somalia, me friends! [Kyle looks at the blackboard, his eyes half-closed. Stan begins to write stuff down] Even Kyle said so. [Kyle buries his face into his desk] Our first official pirate mee'in will be 4 pm today at Kevin Stoley's house! Kevin: At my house? Why my house? Cartman: There will be refreshments served! So make sure your mom goes to the grocery store, Kevinnn! So come one, come all! The invitation is open to any student who wants to be a pirate, and who isn't Jewish, Mexican or ginger! Arrrgh! Gordon: And for lunch today, the cafeteria will be serving taco salad or hoagie sandwiches. Thank you. Scene Description: Kevin Stoley's house, basement, just past 4. Butters is leading the meeting, as Cartman hasn't arrived yet. Butters: Ahoy fellow club members. Congratulations on leaving your meaningless lives behind to become pirates. [only four kids showed up - Kevin, Ike, Clyde, and Gordon Stoltski] Your life of boredom is at an end, thanks to Captain Cartman. All hands on deck! [blows into a whistle. To his left, by the stairs, is a door with a sign, "Captain" on it. Cartman enters the room though that door.] Cartman: Attention! All right, you booty lovers! So you decided to join Captain Cartman's edjeh... [sees Gordon Stoltski, then goes into a low voice] Uh, guys, who let in the g-i-n-g-e-r? Clyde: Well, there's really not that many of us. We figured we should let him join. Cartman: But guys, g-i-n-g-e-rs can't be pirates because they don't have souls. Please get it out of here. Gordon: Fine, I don't wanna be a pirate anyways! [leaves his seat and goes out the stairs and out of the basement] Cartman: Okay, anyways. Now enough small talk, lads! It's time for us to start rapin' and plunderin'! Butters: Yeah! Cartman: We set course tomorrow! I purchased everyone's ticket online using me mother's credit card! Clyde: And your mom is okay with that? Cartman: Dude, I'm a pirate! What the devil do I care what me mudder thinks anymore? Butters: Neato! Cartman: Alright lads! Go home and write your farewell letters to your families! The land of pirates awaits! [holds up a jeweled sword] Butters: Pirates ho! [holds up his own small sword. The others follow suit with daggers] Clyde, Ike: Pirates ho! Kevin: Ho! [his sword is a lightsaber. Cartman looks at it in disbelief] Cartman: Kevin, Goddammit! [Kevin turns off the lightsaber's light] Scene Description: Montage. A passenger jet flies out of Denver International. Clerk: Have a good flight. Next, please? [Cartman approaches with his crew. He hands the clerk his payment] Cartman: We be headin' to Somaaliaa. By way of Miami to Cairo. And take care o' you put us in an exit row, you land lubber! Clerk: [slowly] I see. You five boys are all booked through to Cairo by yourselves? Cartman: That we be, lass. It's all paid for on me mudder's credit card. Butters: [has second thoughts and turns around] Oh jeez. Unh I don't know if I can really go through with this. Cartman: What?! Butters: It's just l-leavin' everything behind, uh, uh I can't believe I'm actually doing it. Clyde: Yeah maybe we should think about this. Cartman: You guys, the fuck? Are you forgetting how crappy your lives are?! All the homework, the rules?! Butters, do you really wanna just go back to school, where people just make fun of you? Butters: Huh, who, you mean you? Cartman: Yes! Do you really wanna go back to that?! Butters: No, I'm sick of it! Cartman: Well all right then, fag! We can't turn back now! The path to adventure lies just beyond this ticket counter! And if you four have really come all this way just to turn back now, then seriously you guys, the FUCK? Butters: He's right, lads. To adventure! Scene Description: The flight path is shown. It follows the path Cartman traced on the map. Butters is giddy looking out the window. As the plane crosses the Atlantic the boys play in their seats. Once the plane reaches Cairo, the boys transfer onto a bus and go south across Egypt, Sudan, Ethiopia, and finally Somalia, ending in Mogadishu. A shot of the city from the air, looking east. The bus stops and everyone gets off. The road underneath it is dusty. The boys walk away from the bus, then it rolls off. They can't believe what they see. Clyde: This is Somalia? Butters: Where's all the waterfalls and shi-and shipwreck lagoons? Cartman: The FUCK?! [some Somalis notice them and stop to look] 'Scuse me, where are the pirates? [stops a man walking by] Hey, hey we're looking for the pirates? Where can we find the-uh! [the man ignores him and keeps on walking.] Butters, get the phrase book out. [Butters approaches with the phrase book in hand] Ask these people where the pirates are. Butters: Uhh, [mumbles a bit] mahjey burazi? Somali 1: Burad. Iyaja dene zaredeko. Somali 2: Buradi wakuwasa. Butters: Oh. He-he says they're in there. [points to his left. A mustard-colored building is being defended by two guards.] Cartman: Ah, nice. Come on, mateys! [the boys turn and walk towards the building] Somali 2: Mayasuk! Hageha-aden! Letka suwahater! [Translation: "No! wait! Don't go in there! Those people are dangerous!"] Cartman: Yes, bebebudjuhbluhbluhbluhbluh. Thank you. [dismissing the warning, he and his crew continue on to the building.] Scene Description: The pirates' lair. They go about their business until they notice the boys enter. Cartman walks on into the middle of the lair. Cartman: Avast! [no one else says a word. In a low voice, he says] These aren't pirates, they're just a bunch of black people. Scene Description: The following is taken from the episode, as they are English subtitles. Pirate 1: "Is this some kind of joke?" Pirate 2: "I don't know what the fuck this is!" Cartman: I am Captain Cartman and this here be my terrible crew! We be lookin' for a ship to pirate with. Pirate 1: "These white children will bring a high price in ransom money!" Pirate 2: "Take them out to the nearest European boat! Show them we have children hostages!" [surrounding pirates stand up with their rifles] Cartman: Yes, very nice. Apparently, these are the pirates. Scene Description: The pirates' bay. Several pirates walk the boys down the dock. Pirate 3: [wearing a #13 jersey] "Move it! Go over that way!" Pirate 4: [wearing a mustard-colored shirt] "We will get a nice ransom for you!" [the fifth pirate wears a black shirt] Cartman: Oh, excellent! They're taking us to a ship. Once we commandeer our vessel the plundering will be easy indeed, lads. [they all stop next to a small boat] Pirate 3: "Get on board!" Pirate 4: "Do it now!" [the boys turn to see the boat the pirates want them on] Cartman: This... is your pirate boat? Dude, the FUCK! Alright, seriously you guys? What kind of pirates are you? I mean, really? The FUCK, dude, the FUCK?! Pirate 3: "Get on the boat now!" Pirate 4: "Move!" Cartman: Alright lads, guess we'll have to settle with this meager ship. Two of you sit aft and two of you sit in the front. Kevin: I gotta sit middle 'cause I get motion sickness. [the other boys climb in and all four end up on the same row] Cartman: Kevin, Jesus Christ! [a pirate starts the motor and the boat moves forward] Hard to starboard, lads! There's sure to be lots of booties out hyah! [Clyde begins to cry] Clyde, the fuck?! Clyde: You said there was gonna be crystal clear lagoons and treasure and plunderrrr! [continues crying] Cartman: Calm down, Clyde. Everything's gonna be okay! Clyde: No it's not! You made me run away to be a pirate and there's not even any treasure! Cartman: Ike, will you do something about Clyde, please? [Ike looks at Clyde and smacks him. Clyde stops crying] Very nice, Ike. [looks ahead] All right me hearties! Keep your eyes open for boats to plunder! [before them is a French cruise ship] Scene Description: The French cruise ship, day. French Captain: "Keep your eyes open, Mr. Leon. These waters are full of renegades and thieves." Mr. Leon: [ship's navigator] "Yes, Captain!" [an alarm sounds and the captain leaves the bridge to find out what's going on.] Deck Hand: [sees the captain and approaches] "Captain! We have an unknown vessel approaching quickly to port!" French Captain: "Damn pirates! Alert the crew! All hands on deck!" [the little boat pulls up next to the cruise ship. The captain and his crew gather in front of the bridge and the captain looks at the pirates through his binoculars] Pirate 5: [through a bullhorn] "We demand ransom for these children! Pay us or we will kill them!" French Captain: "They've got CHILDREN HOSTAGES!" Cruise Attendant: "My God!" French Captain: "Get the U.N. on the radio. Advise them of the situation." Pirate 5: "We want 5,000 Euros! You easily have that much on board!" Cartman: Du-dude! You're doing it all wrong! Let me handle this. [takes the bullhorn from him] Alright ya scalliwags! Surrender your plunder and let me send my shot across your bow! Pirate 4: [moves over to Cartman and aims his rifle at him] "We are going to start killing them! Starting with the fat one!" Cartman: Yeah that's good, but now go ARRRGH! Butters: ARRRRRRGH! Scene Description: Kyle's house, day. Kyle is looking mighty relaxed now that Cartman is gone. He's in the living room talking on the phone with Stan. Kyle: Yeah? Okay, and you checked with Kenny and Token? He's not just staying at their houses? Stan: [in the kitchen at his house] No, dude, everyone's checked. I think Cartman really ran away to Somalia. Kyle: Yes! I can't help but take some credit for this. I helped convince him to go! Stan: You really think he'll die in Somalia? Kyle: [chuckles] Oh for sure, dude! It's the most God-forsaken place on the planet! Things are finally gonna be normal around here. Sheila: [voice only, but soon comes down the stairs with Gerald behind her] Oh God! Oh God, what did we do wrong, Gerald?! [She has a letter in her hand. Kyle's happiness vanishes] Gerald: Take it easy. We'll find him. Kyle: I'll call you back. [hangs up. Sheila approaches him.] Sheila: Oh Kyle, he's gone! Your little brother's run away from home! Kyle: What? Are you sure? Sheila: He left a note saying he's never coming back. Kyle: [takes the note and reads it aloud] "Dear Mommy and Daddy: I am running away. I am sorry, but I can no longer handle the monotony of middle-class life. Everyone at school is a fucking idiot, and if one more person talked to me about that Susan Boyle performance of Les Misérables I was going to puke my balls out through my mouth. I love you all, but I have to move on. I'm going to Somalia to be a-" to be a pirate?! Oh shit! Sheila: Oh Gerald, what are we gonna do? Gerald: It's alright, he couldn't have gone far. Let's call the other kids' houses. [leaves with Sheila and the phone] Kyle: Oh God. What have I done? Scene Description: The French cruise ship, day. Pirate 4: "We are growing impatient! Give us what we want or they die!" Cartman: The FUCK are you pirates doing?! Are we gonna plunder them or not?! French Captain: "Alright! Alright! We are going to give you what you want! But you must hand over the children UNHARMED!" Pirate 5: "The money first!" [a crewman throws down a bag of money to the small boat and one of the pirates catches it and opens it. A rope ladder is unfurled so the boys could climb up to the cruise ship] "Go! Get on the boat! Move!" Cartman: Alright, let's go! [the boys go up the ladder and board the ship] Cruise Attendant: "We got 'em - They're safe!" [the pirate boat turns and zooms away] French Captain: [to the pirates] "Your crimes will not go unpunished!" [turns and faces the kids] "Are you kids alright?" Cruise Attendant: "Did they hurt you?" Cartman: Quiet, you sons of biscuit eaters! This boat is now pirate propertih! Now get ye to your lifeboat, lest you wanna be shark bait! French Captain: "What is this?!" Cartman: Plunder the booty, lads! This ship is ours! Butters: Okay! [runs off to plunder] Cartman: I said, get off my boat! French Captain: "Hey! You can't order us around!" [Kevin walks up with his lightsaber and turns it on. The captain and crew jump back. Kevin waves it around, Cartman rolls his eyes to the right, and the captain and crew move in that direction. They all head to a lifeboat] French Captain and crew: [Talking over each other] Qu'est qu'il passe!? Mon Dieu! ("What's going on!? My God!") Cartman: That's it! Get in there you swarmy dogs! [the captain and crew get on the lifeboat] Lower 'em down, Ike. [Ike lowers the lifeboat to the ocean] French Captain: "Scoundrels! You will pay for this!" Butters: Have a good day! [the lifeboat is safely on the water. Cartman quickly begins to make changes. The French flag comes down and the skull and bones one goes up. Cartman walks up to the the ship's bow] Cartman: Hard to port, lads! Clyde: [relaying the message] Hard to port! Butters: [at the wheel. Ike stands on a stool next to him] What's "port"?! Cartman: Just make the boat go that way, kind of. [the ship ends up turning towards shore, towards the pirates' lair.] Scene Description: Pirate's lair, docks. The 3 Somali pirates have just finished tying up their boat when they stop and look towards the sea. The ship's horn blows and the ship heads towards the dock, with Cartman standing at the bow. Cartman: That's good. Now bring her around topside. [the cruise ship pulls up alongside the pier and lowers the rope ladder. The boys get off the ship and head back to the lair. Cartman stops for a moment and points it out to the pirates] Now that's a pirate ship! Scene Description: Pirate's lair, bar. Armed Somali pirates are sitting around and chatting with each other. Cartman: [the boys head enter the bar] A fine day o' plunderin' we had, boys! What about yourselves? [starts tossing wads of cash at pirates] Here you are, lads. Plenty of booty to go around. [walks to an open table and has the boys sit there] A round of grog for me boys! [a pirate brings drinks to the table and passes them out] A round of grog for everyone! [the pirate leaves] The fuck is this? This is water in a Dixie cup! Alright, Goddammit, really you guys! What kind of pirates are you?! Look at yourselves! You disgrace the Blackbeard! I don't know where you people get off calling yourselves pirates! [gets up and walks around] Little beat-up boats, water in Dixie cups. I mean, I mean look, look at this guy! [the pirate he's looking at has lost his left leg from the knee down] Look at this guy for Christ's sake! [rips a leg from a chair and ties it up the pirate's left leg] I mean, how hard is this, people?! [the pirate grins and hobbles away with his new peg leg. Cartman walks back to the boys' table, then stands on it] I tell you lads, if we're gonna be the most feared people on Earth, then there needs to be some Goddamned changes around here! Weee drink and we pillage and we do what we please! We get all that we want for free! Cartman, Butters: We'll kick your ass and rape your lass. Somalian pirates we! So with a yo ho ho! [No one says a thing] Cartman: [sighs] Goddamnit people! With a yo ho ho! Pirates: [awkwardly] Yo ho ho. Cartman: And with a yee hee hee! Pirates: [awkwardly] Yee hee hee. Cartman: We take to the African sea! We'll brave the squalls and bust your balls Somalian pirates we! Pirates: Somalian pirates we. Scene Description: Butters mops the deck with the pirates. Cartman leads other pirates off the ship with fresh booty. Other pirates build up a sand sculpture of a giant skull. Next, they paint "Beware!" on the cruise ship. Butters walks up to Ike, who puts a tri-corner hat on a Somali pirate. Nearby, pirates carry barrels of "ALE" between them. Together: We left our homes and we left our mudders to go on a pillagin' spree! We'll cut off your ears and break your toes and make you drink our pee! And if you sail into our waters, you best hear this decree: We'll take your boat, set your ass afloat! Scene Description: One of the barrels has another pirate in it. Pirate: Somalian pirate we. Cartman: Nice. And with a yo ho ho! Scene Description: A shot of the sand sculpture. Pirates: Yo ho ho! Scene Description: A shot Clyde and Kevin raising the flag on the flagpole, then of Cartman nailing down the lair's new name: Skull Cove. Cartman: And a tricky lahty do! Pirates: Tricky lahty do! Scene Description: Cartman makes a choir out of the pirates and conducts them. Cartman, Choir: We'll shoot you in the face with glee! Then we'll cut off your ears- Cartman: Okay okay, let's stop there for a minute. Remember, on tricka lahty do, that's a "lahty do" Okay, really need you guys to enunciate the "lahty" Uh, Nadif, if I can get you and Abdikaram to sing the harmony on the second "yo ho". And uh, Hashmish, is it? I'm sorry, but you're a little flat. Remember to sing out, don't close your throat, m'kay? So let's go from uh, bar 14. We'll pick up after the quarter rest. Ike? [Ike is at a spinet piano] Pirate Choir: Somalian pirates we. Cartman: Better! With a yo ho ho! Scene Description: Cartman looks out over the cove with a telescope from the crow's nest. The cruise ship, now called "The Black Diamond," pulls up along another French ship and force its crew to surrender. Cartman pours water over a lazy crocodile. Choir: Yo ho ho! Cartman: And a tricky lahty do! Choir: Tricky lahty do! Cartman, Choir: We'll shoot you in the face with glee! Then we'll cut off your cock and feed it to a croc. Ike: Somalian pirates we. Scene Description: Ike sets off a coconut cannonball, but the coconut simply falls out. Next is the big finish, with everyone gathered around Cartman on the beach. Pirate Choir: Somaliaaan piiiraaates weeeeee. Cartman: Somaliaaan piiiraaates weeeeee. Scene Description: Off shore is a tanker called "Paolo." The French crew is now on board with cups of water and draped in blankets, and the tanker's captain is on the phone with the U.N. Paolo Captain: We found them adrift in a lifeboat, sir. They say that pirates took their ship by force. U.N. Leader: Damn pirates! What's causing them to suddenly be so much more active? Is the crew okay? Paolo Captain: Yes sir. They're French, so they surrendered immediately. [addresses the crew] Once the pirates boarded your ship how did they force you off? French Captain: Il avait un lightsabeur. ("He had a lightsaber") Cruise Attendant: Oui. Un lightsabeur. ("Yes. A lightsaber") Deck Hand: Le lightsabeur - terrible. ("The lightsaber...it was terrible")[does lightsaber sound effects, then sobs.] Paolo Captain: Sir, the pirates appear to have forced the French crew off their boat with a lightsaber. U.N. Leader: My God, pirates are getting better-equipped every day! Gentlemen, I want the President of the United States on the phone. We can no longer fight the pirates on the seas. We have to take them out where they live. Scene Description: Skull Cove, later. Cartman enjoys a drink from a coconut shell. Cartman: What did I tell you, Butters? This is the good life, huh? [a shot is heard, followed by commotion from the pirates. Cartman and the boys walk over to a crowd of pirates gathered around something] What's going on? Pirate 6: "We have a hostage!" Pirate 7: "Another American arrived on the bus!" Cartman: Ahhh, good. A hostage will bring a fine ransom. [the crowd splits in two and Kyle is shown. Kyle is tied up so he can't use his arms. Ike looks happy to see Kyle.] Well well well well well! Scene Description: A news flash. Announcer: This is CNN... N. Anchorman: Breaking news of yet another pirate crisis in Somalia. Members of NATO received word today that pirates have captured an American child and are demanding ten million Euros for his safe release. U.S Navy ships have been deployed and the pirate standoff is about to get ugly. Scene Description: Skull Cove, later. Cartman paces back and forth with confidence. Cartman: Well well well well well well well well well Kyle! You came all this way to try and join my pirate club. Kyle: No, fatass, I came to get my brother! We all have to get out of here! It isn't safe. Cartman: "It isn't safe." That's not what you said back in the cafeteria, Kyle. In the cafeteria you said Somalia was "awesome." Kyle: I know! I was lying then! Cartman: Or are you lying now? So many lies, Kyle, you can't even keep them straight. You just couldn't stand that we were living in paradise while you were back home. Kyle: This isn't paradise and you know it! The people here are starving and dying! The whole world has used Somalia as a dumping ground for toxic waste. Even the fish here are radioactive! [a fish walks out of the water on hind legs, squawks, turn around and goes back into the ocean] Cartman, just give me my brother [Cartman turns around and faces Kyle] and let us get out of here! Cartman: Your brother is with Butters taking inventory of our latest plunder, Kyle. You... just sit tight till we hear about your ransom money, hmhmm. Scene Description: Inside the pirates' lair, Butters and Ike stock a French tool box. Butters announces the items and hands them to Ike. Butters: One box of Italian passports. One necklace, gold. Three crewmember watches. Pirate 4: [walks up to the two boys] Ey excuse me. Can I ask you a question? Butters: Oh. Uhuh sure, Galeed. Galeed: Why did you Americans come here? Butters: Well, 'cause our lives sucked back home! We had all these rules and homework. Ike: Yeah, homework. Butters: And our parents hollered at us! Ike: Yeah. Butters: So we wanted to come here and be pirates. Ike: Piewets! Galeed: But that's what I do not understand. Why would anyone "want" to be a pirate? Butters: Huh? Galeed: Every day I dream that I can go to school. Learn about the world. But my mother, she is dyin' of AIDS, and there is no money for medicine. My father was killed trying to find food for us. Do you know how I feel every time we try to capture a boat? Scared. And not just scared because I might get killed, but scared because if I don't get something out of it, my family and friends are going to die. I don't want to be a pirate. I don't see how anybody would. [turns and quickly runs out of the lair.] Ike: Oh my God. [rests his head against a chair] Butters: Jeez. Guess we kind of got put in our place, huh Ike? Ike: I feel, like an asshole. Butters: Yeah, me too. Scene Description: Outside on the cove, Cartman has Kyle on the makeshift plank above the crocodile. Cartman: Go on! Walk the plank, you scurvy dog! Kyle: Cartman, knock it off! Cartman: That's Captain Cartman, you Jewswoggle! Pirate 6: "Do you think all American kids are as crazy as these are?" Pirate 8: "It's starting to look that way." Butters: [runs up to Eric with Ike in tow] Eric! Hey Eric. Listen, we wanna go home. Cartman: What?! Butters: Me and Ike, well, we've been talkin' and, well guys, we really had it pretty good back in America. I mean, sure, it's easy to think our lives are boring and full of rules, but a lot of people have it way worse. The pirate's life isn't a life of fun and adventure, it's a life of hardship and suffering. When you get down to it, well we were pretty lucky to have the lives we did. [Clyde begins to cry again] Cartman: Clyde! Clyde: I hate it here and I wanna go home!! [begins to bawl] Cartman: [threatens the other three boys with his sword; they back down] You guys cannot leave the pirate club now! How can you not want to stay in this paradise we've created?! In Somalia, people have no laws! They have no rules! And they never grow old! Kyle: They never grow old because they die before they're 30! Cartman: Nobody's goin' anywhere!! I'm the captain of this outfit! [whistles] To arms! [the real pirates gather around and aim their rifles at the boys] Now, is there any question who's in charge? I have an entire pirate crew willing to do anything for me! Pirate 5: "Hey, what's that?" [in the distance a U.S. ship gets into position] Commander: Alright men, remember, do not hit the white ones! Cartman: Me and my crew are gonna go on piratin' forever! [a volley of bullets takes down all the pirates, leaving the six boys unharmed. The boys look at the carnage around them] Sniper: [several seconds later] Clear. Cartman: The FUCK?!

Scene Description: The Broflovski house, night. Gerald: [voice over] You have been very very naughty! [a shot of Kyle's parents having sex in bed] You're a naughty girl! [begins to grunt with every thrust] Sheila: Oh yes, Gerald! I've been so naughty! [joins in the grunting for a few seconds] Ah, oh, oh, oh jeez! Oh! [their bedroom door opens] Gerald: [quickly turns around and faces the door] What the?! ...Ike! [Ike is at the bedroom entrance looking scared. He's dragging a puppy plushie around] Ike, get back to bed right now! Ike: I'm scared. There's a ghost. Gerald: Uh, not this again. [angrily] Ike, we are sick of you talking about ghosts! Ike: But, Daddy, I saw the- Gerald: No buts! Get back to your room right now and don't come out! You got it?! [Ike turns left and walks out of view, his head hanging] Sheila: Gerald, what has gotten into him? Gerald: [sighing] Hoh, I don't know. I think maybe with all the news of famous people dying this summer, he just freaked himself out. Scene Description: Ike's room, moments later. The moon fills the room with dim light and a tree outside the window casts a moving shadow onto Ike's bed. Ike sits in his bed nervously. He looks outside the window, and the tree's branches rap at his window in the high wind. Ike looks around and shuts his eyes. His mobile playset begins to turn slowly. A loud sound wakes Ike and then he gasps. A ghost makes its way towards the window from outside, passes through it slowly, then lunges at him. As soon as the ghost is at the foot of the bed, it becomes recognizable as Billy Mays, the late TV pitchman. Billy Mays: Hi, Billy Mays here for Megascrub Cleanser. Ike: AAAAAAAAA! Billy Mays: Are you tired of your kitchen counters getting those nasty stains? Don't just rub 'em, Megascrub 'em! Ike: Billy Mays, NO! [jumps out of bed and runs into his closet. The camera pans out...] Billy Mays: [...and Billy is in the closet too] Mold, mildew, even those impossible wine stains are gone in a flash when you snipe them away. Ike: [runs out of the closet, through his room, and into the hallway.] MMOOMMMYYY! [runs towards the stairs and passes another room. Another celebrity appears in the entrance] AAAAAA! Farrah Fawcett! Farrah Fawcett! [runs to a door opposite the room and opens it. A man appears hanging from the ceiling in that room, wearing fishnet stockings] AAAAAA! David Carradine! [runs away from that room and heads for the stairs, but stops in his tracks and gasps] Billy Mays: [walking up the stairs] Hi, Billy Mays here for Mighty Mend It, the fast and easy way to mend, hem, and wear it again. [Ike backs away towards his room] Ike: NOOOOO! Kyle: [comes out of his room] Ike! Ike, what?! Ike: Make Billy Mays go away! Make Billy Mays go away! [Kyle looks, but nothing is there] Make him stop! [buries his face in Kyle's shoulder. Kyle consoles him] Make him stop, Kyle! Scene Description: The office of one D. Land, Ph. D., Psychiatrist, day. Inside, the psychiatrist has Ike on a couch and is trying to get him to open up. Dr. Land: Now, Ike, your family is very worried about you. Ike, you can talk to me. I'm a therapist. Whatever has been troubling you, it's okay. Ike: No, it's... it's a secret. Dr. Land: Ike, tell me your secret. I promise not to tell anyone else. Ike: [turns his head to the right to look at the doctor] I see dead... ce-le-bri-ties. Dr. Land: You mean, you see dead celebrities on TV? In the news? Ike: I see them walking around. They talk to me. Dr. Land: Are you seeing any dead celebrities right now? Ike: Just Ed McMahon. [Ed McMahon's ghost looks at Ike over Dr. Land's right shoulder, then turns right and walks off] Dr. Land: How often do you see dead celebrities? Ike: All the time. [blinks a few times] Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. Cartman has the remote control and is flipping through channels. Cartman: 'Sup, Jew? Kyle: Guys, Ike has gotten worse. I'm really worried about him. He says he's still seeing dead celebrities. Cartman: HA! What a dumbass! Kenny: (What do you think is wrong with him?) Kyle: I don't know. Last night we found him hiding in the kitchen pantry. He was screaming the name "Billy Mays" over and over again. Cartman: Billy Mays? Billy Mays?! [hops off the sofa] Dude, you didn't tell us Ike was seeing Billy Mays! Kyle: What? Cartman: Your little brother saw the ghost of Billy Mays? Stan: Dude, I don't even know who that is. Cartman: The guy on TV who had incredible things for people to buy? He died four months ago but they still show his commercials all the time? Oh, oh for the love of Christ, here! [quickly flips through the channels until a Billy Mays commercial appears] Here here! This, this is him! Scene Description: Commercial. Mays is in a laundry room. Billy Mays: Hi, Billy Mays here with another fantastic product. If you're like other Americans, you love to eat Chipotle [shows off two Chipotle burritos], but you hate all those terrible bloodstains in your underwear. [shows off bloodstained underwear] Man 1: [holding a burrito in his right hand] I love Chipotle. But getting all the bloodstains out of my underwear is a nightmare. [a shriek is added for emphasis] Billy Mays: [now near a washer and dryer] Well now there's a product that can clean even bloodstains caused by Chipotle right off your underwear. Chipotl-away. [shows off the bottle, which says Chipotlaway. What follows is a demonstration of how the product works] Just one Chipotle burrito [shown] can leave up to a quarter cup of underwear blood [a quarter cup of red liquid is poured onto the briefs], but Chipotl-away [a couple of squirts of it makes the liquid vanish] makes your underwear clean [a towel is used to remove the liquid and product] and ready for more. [a man is shown stocking up on briefs, but they slip from his arms] Stop buying new underwear every time you eat Chipotle. That can cost you thousands. Chipotl-away gets rid of bloodstains and leaves underwear good as new. [a pair of black hands smooths some briefs out over a table, then puts the Chipotle burrito on it] Imagine having underwear so clean you can practically eat off of it. Man 2: [leans down towards the burrito and smiles at the camera] Mmm, Chipotle. [gives a thumbs up and begins to eat off his underwear] Billy Mays: Now you can eat all the Chipotle you want [two women eat burritos on a park bench.], and still have underwear that sparkles and shines [one of the women holds up a pair of clean panties, which sparkle and shine]. Order right now! Scene Description: TV promo. Cartman: That product changed my life. It really works. I use it all the time. Kyle: What?! Are you serious?! Cartman: Look Kyle, if there's even a chance that Billy Mays' soul is not at rest, then I wanna help however I can. Kyle: Dude, why the hell would you DO that?! Cartman: Because he was a great person, Kyle. Kyle: NO, why the hell would you keep eating something that made you crap blood?! Cartman: ...Dude, have you had Chipotle? It's really good. You guys, we have to help Kyle's brother and get to the bottom of this. And I think I know just who to call... Scene Description: An episode of Ghost Hunters. Announcer: On this episode of Ghost Hunters [a cemetery is shown]: a little boy in Colorado appears to be haunted by celebrities. [a shot of Ike floating across the screen, with various backdrops behind him] Now the Ghost Hunter team will roll out and get to the bottom of it. It's the gayest show in the fucking world; Ghost Hunters! Jason: Alright, tell us what we got this week, Kris. Kris: We're going to Colorado to investigate celebrity paranorm- Jason: Wait, what? What was that? What was that? Grant: I heard it too. It was like a, like a ...*pop* Jason: Is there a ghost here? Scene Description: TAPS heads out to South Park in two SUVs. Jason: Alright, so you say a little boy is seeing the ghosts? Kris: Yeah, apparently only he is seeing them. Jason: Doyuh ssh ssh. What, what is that? Do you hear that?! There, there look. What is that? What is that? Grant: I think that's just a cigarette lighter. Jason: Oh, right, okay. May be. Scene Description: TAPS has made it to South Park. They are in the Broflovski house at night, in the dark. No lights are on except for flashlights. Jason: We are now inside the house where the celebrity ghosts have been spotted. Whoa whoa what? What was that? What was that? Kyle: What was what? Jason: Did you hear that? It was like a... it was like a... dee.. Is there a spooky ghost here?? Uh LOOK. What is that? What is that?? [a shot of the Broflovskis living room TV] Grant: I'm pretty sure that's their television. Jason: Oh man I am really scared. [looks at his groin. Grant's flashlight and the camera quickly aim at it] Whoa whoa whoa whoa! What is this? What is this? There's a, there's a, a wetness coming from my pants! [he peed his pants] Grant: I see it! Jason: W... what is it?! Grant: Oh God I'm so scared! [begins to whimper] I'm so scared. Jason: Look! Look, it's got you too! [points to Grant's groin, then says to the cameraman] Are you getting this? Make sure the camera is getting this. Definitely some paranormal activity! Grant: It's warm, and moist. A warm moist sensation that's moving down my left thigh. [the urine reaches the floor and starts spreading out] Jason: Look, it's starting to form a, a a pool around the floor now. Are you getting this?? Stan: Are you guys fucking serious? Jason: Oh God, the paranormal activity is now leaving a, a trail of some kind behind both of us! [such melodrama!] Grant: Hoh! Something... hot, and and, warm is coming out the back of my pants now. [Well...] Jason: Oh it smells! Scene Description: The Broflovski house, outside. The front door opens and the four ghost hunters run out screaming. TAPS: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Scene Description: The Broflovski house, inside. The lights are back on. Ike hangs his head and walks off to his left, sighing. He sits down on the bottom steps of the stairs. Kyle follows him and sits next to him. Kyle: Ya see Ike? There's nothing. There's nothing for you to be afraid of. Billy Mays: [his ghost suddenly appears with a new pitch] Hi, Billy Mays here for the Big City Slider Station. Kyle: It's all just in your head, Ike. Billy Mays: The fast and easy way to press and cook delicious sliders. Ike: AAAAA. AAAAAAAAAAA!! [the other boys look at each other] Scene Description: Children's Hospital of Denver, night. Ike is in a recovery room while the older boys wait in the lobby on red couches. Kyle: I just... don't understand it. Stan: It's gonna be alright, Kyle. Kyle: But, dude this doesn't make any sense. I mean, if you know it's going to make you crap blood, why wouldn't you at least just try eating less of it? Cartman: Because, dude, that's what I'm saying. You have the Chipotlaway so it doesn't matter. Kyle: But of course it matters, because you should be concerned there's blood in your underwear. [to Stan] Do you understand this? Stan: Dude, I don't understand at all. I eat Chipotle all the time and it never made me crap blood. Cartman: Ohh well how nice for you, Stan. It's great you've got a golden rectum of the gods, but the rest of us need Chipotlaway. Dr. Carroll: Well boys, little Ike is stable, but the celebrity ghosts appear to have sent him into some kind of coma. Stan: Whoa whoa wait, there really are ghosts? Dr. Carroll: Well of course there really are ghosts. Haven't you seen that show Ghost Hunters? But I'm a pediatric doctor, so I'm going to hand this off to Dr. Phillips, who specializes in spooky things. [Dr. Phillips, a female, walks in and addresses the boys] Dr. Phillips: The ghosts of these celebrities are at deep unrest. I've never sensed anything like it. [Stan and Kyle look at each other as Dr. Carroll walks away] I believe these celebrity ghosts are still roamin' the world, reachin' out through the child because they are lost in purgatory. Kyle: Purgatory? What's that? Dr. Phillips: [steps closer to the boys] Sometimes when people die, they can't quite accept what has happened to them. And so before they reach the afterlife, they go to a place called "purgatory." It is a temporary plane of existence. It's neither heaven, nor hell. Purgatory is like... being on an airplane that's waiting to take off, but you're still sitting at the gate. And even though the plane isn't taking off, they won't let you back off the plane. And you can't get up to go to the bathroom, because you're on an active runway. All these dead celebrities are sittin' on the plane waiting and wantin' to move on, but for whatever reason, they are stuck without any information, even from the pilot, how much longer it's going to be, and it's taking forever. And they aren't serving any drinks yet. It's like, a terrifying limbo. Cartman: [concerned] Oh my God... poor Billy Mays... Scene Description: Ike's room. Dr. Phillips turns on the various monitors to measure Ike's vital signs... and to call out the ghosts. Dr. Phillips: I am speakin to the celebrities that are hauntin' this child. If any spirit can hear my voice, make your presence known. [the needles on an Ectograph 500 begin to move back and forth, producing some readings] Billy Mays: [only his voice is heard] Hi, Billy Mays here with another fantastic product. Cartman: Billy Mays! [makes his way to the front of the group] It's him! Billy Mays: Are you tired of having to put your toilet seat down? Cartman: Yes! Yes I am, Billy Mays! Walter Cronkite: No! Be quiet, Billy Mays! Somebody is trying to contact us! Dr. Phillips: To which celebrity am I addressin' now? Walter Cronkite: This, is Walter Cronkite. Dr. Phillips: All you celebrities need to know that you have passed on. Farrah Fawcett: We know that! DJ AM: Yeah! Of course we know that! Patrick Swayze: There's only one person here who's not cooperating! Walter Cronkite: That's right! Now just admit you're dead and sit down! Michael Jackson: ...No, that's ignorant! I'm not dead. Stan: Uh oh. Walter Cronkite: You are dead! Michael Jackson: No, I just have a skin condition. Dr. Phillips: Boys, quickly! Convince Michael Jackson that he's dead. Kyle: What? Dr. Phillips: He's in denial. He's been in denial all his life. Now tell him or you're gonna lose your little brother. Kyle: Mister... Jackson, y-you aren't alive. You're in purgatory. Michael Jackson: Nooo, you're being ignorant. I'm alive. And I'm a child. And I'm white. Kyle: Mr. Jackson, please, you're causing a lot of problems. Billy Mays: Hi, Billy Mays here for the Super Sweeper. The Boys (except Cartman) and Dr. Phillips: Shut up, Billy Mays! Stan: You're dead, Mr. Jackson! Michael Jackson: No, that's, that's just ignorant. Stan: Accept it! [the various machines start convulsing and sparking] Michael Jackson: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Dr. Phillips: He's in too much denial! [a ball of plasma condenses in front of her and shoves her out a window on the top floor of the hospital.] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! [She flies through the air across the street and lands a half block away in the middle of another street. She dies on impact. The boys then gather around Ike and pull the wires off his face] Kyle: Ike! Ike! Wake up buddy! Wake up! Ike, you've gotta wake up, please! [Ike's eyes slowly open] Eh there you go. That's good. [Ike looks around] Oh Ike. I thought I lost you, little brother. Ike: [with Michael Jackson's voice] Nooo. No, that's ignorant. [the boys' jaws drop] Oh look everyone, I told you I was alive. Kyle: Hey! What the hell are you doing inside my little brother?! Ike: Wee, I'm a child! [jumps up] I knew I was a child. See? Come on, let's play! Let's go climb a tree! [jumps off the bed and runs out of the room] Kenny: (Holy shit, dude!) Kyle: Come back here! [the boys give chase] Scene Description: A park across the street from Children's Hospital of Denver, night. Ike runs to a tree in the park and tries to climb it. Kyle: Hey! Heeey! Ike: Come on, let's climb the tree! Hee hee! Stan: Mr. Jackson, you can't do this! This is not your body! Ike: Noo, I'm a little white child. Let's play! [hops off the tree trunk and starts dancing] Hee! Hee hee! [begins to moonwalk] Hee hee hee! [arrives at the swing set and hops on a swing] Kyle: Dude, asshole, you're keeping a lot of other celebrities in purgatory! Cartman: Including the late and very talented Billy Mays! Ike: No, that's ignorant. People are just ignorant and they lie and spread rumors about me. Like, that I'm dead. But if I was dead, how could I do this? [hops off the swing and dances some more] Hoo! Dawdaby daw! Shamon! [Kyle looks at his friends and leads them away out of Ike's earshot] Kyle: What the hell are we going to do?? Ike: [still dancing] Jou know! Jou know it! Hee hee! Scene Description: The Plane of Purgatory. Ed McMahon: Come on, this is ridiculous! How much longer do we have to sit in purgatory?! Passengers: Come on! Come on! This is ridiculous! Come on! Flight Attendant: [into an intercom mic] Ladies and gentlemen, we thank you for your patience. I've been informed that we are going to be delayed at least another 96 hours. Passengers: AWWWWWWWW! DJ AM: Yo, you can't just keep people stuck like this, man! Flight Attendant: We know that you are all excited to cross over to the next plane, but for now you have to stay on this one. Walter Cronkite: That's it! I have to go to the bathroom! Flight Attendant: Sir, you have to stay in your seat with your seatbelt fastened! Walter Cronkite: You've been saying that for three months now! [sits back down] Scene Description: The four boys are now in Stan's room, and Stan is browsing around for information. Stan: Alright, let's see: demonic ghosts, animal ghosts... Kenny: (No, scroll down some more, scroll down some more.) Stan: ...setting traps for ghosts, no... Kyle: [still trying to make sense of Cartman's ...problem] Okay, here's the one part that really makes no sense to me: [puts both his hands on the table and spreads his fingers out] the first time you saw blood stains on your underwear, were you alarmed? Cartman: [rolls his eyes up in thought] Was I alarmed? [closes his eyes] Yes. [opens them and looks at Kyle] I believe I was. Kyle: So then why do you just ignore it using something as stupid as Chipotaway? Cartman: [correcting him] Chipotlaway, Kyle. And I'm not the one who uses it, my mom does. She does the laundry. [Kyle's jaw drops in alarm] Kyle: Your mom... uses Chipotlaway... to clean blood stains... out of your underwear? Cartman: Yes! Kyle: And then takes you to Chipotle, and buys you more? Cartman: Yes, Kyle, it's totally normal! [Kyle puts his hands down below the table] People do this stuff! You know, not everyone can be the boy with the golden butthole! [points to Stan] Stan: Here here here it is: possession by a ghost. A ghost that enters and then refuses to leave a living host has done so because it failed in the living world to be what it wanted to be. The ghost must be allowed to transform and be recognized by the living as what it always tried to be. Kyle: What has Michael Jackson always tried to be? Cartman: A child... and a female. And white. Ike: Oh lookie, it's a planet. Hee hee hee. Stan: So he wants to finally be accepted by the living as a little white girl. Kyle: Well what the hell are we gonna do? Dress him up in a princess gown and, and parade him around like the parents on those awful child pageants? [Kyle looks at his friends, then down at the floor. His friends look at each other. Yes, Kyle...] Scene Description: A Holiday Inn, day, at Lynchburg. "Lynchburg Welcomes The Tiny Miss Pageant". Inside, the contestants are being introduced. The stage is small, with two bouquets of flowers with balloons attached, one at each end of the stage. MC: Hello. First up we have the beautiful Miss Jessica. [Jessica comes out wearing lots of makeup, a big head of hair, and a pink pageant dress. There's a smattering of applause] Jessica's Mom: [clapping] Alright Jessica! Woohoo! [Jessica stops and shows off to the audience] MC: Jessica enjoys ridin' her horse Marley and doin' her nails with her sisters. Next, contestant number 26, Miss Brandy. [who comes out in a yellow dress] Brandy's Mom: Yeah Brandy! Work it girl! MC: Brandy likes ice cream and playing with her cat Sunshine. Brandy's Mom: [whispering loudly] Don't forget to blow a kiss to the judges, Brandy. [Brandy dutifully blows a kiss to the judges and grins. A balding judge grabs the kiss with his left hand, then reaches down to his groin with that hand and begins to masturbate. Brandy steps off the stage and walks away] MC: And now welcome contestant number 27, little Miss Michael Jackson. [Ike walks on stage in a small pink dress and blond wig] Kyle: Alright, Michael! [Kenny mumbles something] Cartman: Yeah yeah rah work it Michael work it! Stan: Yeahhhh! MC: Michael says she just enjoys being a child. She loves to play and climb trees, and thinks people who don't are ignorant. Ike: Ignorant. Cartman: God I hope this works. Scene Description: Purgatory. The celebrities are still waiting to take off to the next plane. Billy Mays: Hi, Billy Mays here for the little Country Handy Pillow. Are you tired of sitting in limbo? Lost somewhere between planes of existence? Well now there's a product that can help you- Walter Cronkite: Will somebody shut his fucking mouth?! I can't take it anymore! Patrick Swayze: This is bad enough without having to constantly listen to you try and sell your stupid crap, Mays! Billy Mays: With just two easy steps, I can climb over these seats and kick you right in the fucking balls! David Carradine: That does it. We are not gonna just sit here anymore! We want some Goddamned answers! Walter Cronkite: Why isn't anybody telling us anything?! Pilot: Well ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking. Walter Cronkite: Well it's about fucking time! Pilot: Certainly want to uhhh thank you for all your patience. We know that you're eager to uhhhh get going and we will certainly pass on any information uhhhhh as it becomes uhhhhhh more available. DJ AM: But yo! Yo Michael Jackson isn't even here anymore! He's gone! We should be able to move on now! Flight Attendant: Yes, but as we all know, Mr. Jackson had a LOT of baggage, and he checked some of that baggage in, so a crew has to go through all the baggage and get his off of purgatory before we can push back from the gate. Passengers: AWWWWWWWW! Scene Description: Tiny Miss Pageant, later. Ike: Did I do good in the swimsuit category? I'm worried that little doodoohead brunette girl was prettier than me. Stan: [approaching the judges' table] Excuse me, uh, if you could do us a favor and pleeease just vote for little Miss Jackson? It's really important. Kylie's Mom: It's more important for my little Kylie. Just look at this face. Kylie: Mommy, that hurts my cheek implants. [another contestant is dancing onstage in a cheerleading outfit. She finishes her routine on her knees. The male judge on the right is taking pictures while the one on the left is masturbating even harder. The lone female judge is just evaluating as usual] MC: All right, thank you Miss Cassie. And now for her talent portion, Miss Michael Jackson is gonna sing for us. [Ike steps onto the stage again and sings] Ike: I'm just a little girl. Hee hee. A dainty little thing.And I know you all want to be a little white girl like me. Shamohn! Hee hee hee. [begins to moonwalk] Hohhh[the male judges are masturbating furiously] Stan: Dude, the two male judges love her. Kenny: (Yeah.) [the doors fly open and a bunch of police officers stream in...] An Officer: All right, that's about enough! [...and haul away the male judges. The female judge looks on somewhat bewildered] Kyle: Aww crap! Cartman: Hey, what the F?! Scene Description: Tiny Miss Pageant, later. MC: All right everyone, the judge will now tally her final scores. Kyle: We're totally screwed! [Brandy and her mom walk by. Brandy's actually a redhead] They took the two best judges away! Stan: Yeah, there's no way that lady judge is voting for us. She was glaring the entire time. Heidi's Mom: You'll win for sure, Heidi. You know how much that judge adores you. Kyle: Aw dude, this is hopeless! Kenny: (Son of a fucking bitch!) Cartman: Wait wait! Wait, look at the lady judge. [a shot of the judge] She's eating Chipotle. Kyle: [not making the connection] So what?! Cartman: So maybe she doesn't know. [grabs Kyle by his coat collar] Maybe she doesn't know, Kyle! Excuse me, Ma'am, I see you're eating Chipotle. Lady Judge: Oh yes, it's my favorite fast food. I would eat it every day, except I-... [looks down in embarrassment] Cartman: Except! You can't afford buying all the new underwear? Lady Judge: How did you know-... Look, it doesn't matter. [turns her back to him] I'm just gonna have to give it up. Cartman: What if you didn't have to give it up? Lady Judge: Excuse me? Cartman: I think... you and I might be able to help each other here today. Scene Description: Tiny Miss Pageant, even later. MC: And now, it is time to announce our Grand Little Miss. Little Miss Michael Jackson. [Ike looks around gratefully as the audience applauds. The judge and the MC approach him. The judge gives him the crown and the MC gives him the trophy. The boys congratulate him] Kyle: Yeah! Cartman: Yeah! Stan: Woohoo! Cartman: Alright! [one of the contestants stomps her foot and cries, then walks off stage] Heidi: [passing by the audience chairs] I'm sorry I didn't win, Mommy. [her mom stops for a moment and slaps her across the face] Ike: Thank you so much for this award. Of all the awards I've ever won, this one means the most. I feel like... I'm finally at rest. I'm finally at rest! I'm free! [Ike passes out standing up with his mouth open wide and Michael's ghost rises out of him, with a ghostly trophy. The judge and MC notice something and look up. Ike wakes up, shakes his head, and looks at himself. Then, in his regular voice] Holy shit! What the fuck am I wwwearing? Kyle: Ike! [runs up to him. The other boys follow] Ike, you're back! Ike: Kyle, what the fuck is going on? Kyle: It's okay, Ike, you're going to be... okay. Cartman: Yes. Thanks to us and Chipotlaway, the spirits of the celebrities can now rest. Scene Description: Back in purgatory, a woman yawns. Michael Jackson: Wee, I'm free! I'm free! [floats down into his seat] Farrah Fawcett: Hey he's here! He's here! Bea Arthur: Oh, finally. Others: He's here! He's back! Flight Attendant: All right everyone, it looks like we are all ready to move on. [everyone claps] Michael Jackson: Did you all see my crown? [the plane finally rises up and away] Billy Mays: Finally! Finally we can all move on! Scene Description: Hell. The purgatory plane alights here. Flight Attendant: All right, everyone, I'd like to be the first to welcome you to the gates of Hell. Unfortunately, Hell is a tow-in gate. Passengers: AWWWWWWWW!

Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, recess. Cartman: Alright cool, guys, gather all around. Everyone should be a witness to this. [Cartman and Craig are at a tetherball pole, and Cartman is holding the ball. Around them are a bunch of boys, most of them from the fourth grade] Alright, you ready? Now say "I'm a dork, and I deserve what's coming to me." Come on, dude, "I'm a dork, and I deserve what's coming to me." [the camera pulls back a bit, and Butters is seen at the top of the tetherball pole, hanging from his briefs.] Butters: I'm a dork, and I deserve what's coming to me. [Cartman hits the ball and it wraps around the pole, finally hitting Butters on his right temple] Ow. Cartman: Alright, your turn Craig. Butters: Fellas, my underwear is so far up my buttcrack my legs are numb! [Craig grabs the ball] Cartman: Well that's what you get for being a douchebag again Butters! You gotta take your medicine. Butters: Uyeah, I guess I deserve it. Stan: Hey heeey, what the hell are you guys picking on Butters for this time?! Cartman: Aw dude, you guys are not gonna believe this. You know what we just found out? Well it turns out that Butters, our Butters, has never kissed a girl. [Craig hits the ball and it wraps around the pole until it hits Butters on the face] Butters: Uugh! Kyle: So what? Butters: So what?! [the ball returns and Craig catches it] So I'm almost nine years old and anyone who hasn't kissed a girl by fourth grade is a dork! Craig: That's right. [steps back and hits the ball again. The ball wraps around the pole and hits Butters on the face again. Cartman laughs] Clyde: You guys, we got it! [walks up with Token] We got it. Sally Darson is selling kisses for five dollars. Butters: Sellin' kisses? Clyde: She hangs out behind the temp building during afternoon recess. She'll kiss any boy that pays her. Butters: You mean I'm... gonna kiss a girl... today? Scene Description: The boys' bathroom, moments later. Butters is now putting on a tie. Clyde: [giving advice] So then when she sticks her tongue out you just kind of lick it with your tongue. Butters: Oh boy, I sure am nervous. Cartman: Nothin' to be nervous about, Butters. You're finally going to become a man today. Kyle: Butters, I think you should reconsider this. Butters: Uh, how come? Kyle: Dude, you don't want your first kiss to be something you paid for. It's supposed to be special. Cartman: Oh God, why don't you sit under a rainbow and write a poem, Kyle? Butters: I gotta do this! I gotta know what it feels like! Scene Description: Back in the playground, moments later. Butters is walking to the temp building with a crowd of boys following him at a short distance. Butters: Oh boy... Oh jeez, oh, stay calm Butters... Eh, how was it? Francis: Pretty worth it. [walks away with a dreamy look in his eyes] Jimmy: Go ahead, Bu-Butters. Go- go get some. Butters: I'm going! [walks towards the back of the temp building] Ohh... [finds Sally and talks to her nervously] Oh, hi. Sally: Hey. [punches something into her cell phone and puts it away in her back pocket] Butters: So ummm yeah, ah, I was hopin' maybe I could get a kiss. Sally: Okay, cool. Butters: Yeah, cool, uhhhm... umuh... okay. [puckers up and steps closer to Sally] Sally: So you got money? Butters: Oh, money... Rrright. [reaches into his pocket and pulls out a five dollar bill, then hands it to her] There you go. A five dollar bill, all for you. [smiles, but that turns into surprise when she whips out her wad of bills and adds the five dollar bill to it. She puts the wad back away] Sally: All right, you ready? [she turns to face him and puckers up. He looks at her and leans in, closing his eyes. She does not close hers. They kiss on the lips. They then separate and Butters isn't sure what to make of it] Butters: Thank you! [turns right and walks back to the playground. As he approaches the boys, he raises his arms up and smiles] Cartman: Atta boy Butters! Tweek: You did it! Jimmy: You're a man now! All right Butters good job! Token: Good job, Butters! Scene Description: Butters' room, night. He lies there awake, his hands behind his neck, pretty happy about the school day. Butters: [thinking to himself] Boy oh boy. I finally did it. I'm a man now. [frowns, thinking of what being a man entails] Jeez, I'm gonna start havin' lots of responsibilities soon. I gotta start thinkin' about a career. There's gonna be family and bills to start worrying about. M-no more play time for you, Butters! You gotta buckle down and find, and find yourself a way to make money. [aloud, smiling] Hey, I know. Scene Description: Lunchtime at the school cafeteria. The kids are eating lunches, and Butters comes into view, stopping at a table of boys. Butters: Hey fellers! Fellers, do you like gettin' kisses? 'Cause I know a girl that'll give you a great kiss for just five dollars! Scott: [with a lisp] She'll kiss anybody? Butters: Sure, Scott! Even if you got diabetes! Scene Description: Behind the temp building, moments later. Butters waits as Scott gives Sally his five dollars and kisses her. Scott: Wow. [turns and walks away] It's almost like having someone care about you. [walks back towards the playground] Sally: Jeez Butters, thanks for bringing me yet another customer. Here's your two dollar cut again. Butters: [taking his cut] Boy oh boy, this sure is great! I've been thinkin', Sally: I could probably drum up some third grade customers if you could do kisses before school too. We could make double the money. Sally: Oh, that'd be great, but I can't do kisses before school. I have swimming class. Butters: Aww nuts! [walks off a bit] Well, I did have another idea. What if we got another girl to fill in for you sometimes? Sally: What? Butters: Well, you know, we bring someone on, show her what to do, and then share all our money together. Sally: [walks up to him] Wow, you're right Butters. I should start expanding. Butters: We could have our very own... [puts out his hands and frames an imaginary plaque] kissin' company. Scene Description: Butters' bedroom, day. He's got three easels up with info and four girls seated before him. He's using a pointer to highlight the info on the easels. He's laying out his business plan to the girls, who all have notebooks and pencils. Butters: The next key to a successful business is "innovation." I think maybe we need to understand that some boys simply can't afford the five dollars for a kiss, so what if we start also charging just two dollars for a hug? Sally: Wow, that's a great idea, Butters. Butters: Why thanks. Sally, I think your position behind the temp building at recess is perfect. Megan, I'm thinkin' about moving you to the baseball field after school during little league practice. Megan: [a third grader, taking notes] Got it. Butters: I got a kissing booth set up at the kids' fair on Saturday so Kayla and Ashley, you take turns there. Any girl that sells more than twenty kisses gets [puts up a smiling sun sticker on Sally's row on the work schedule] a little sunshine, but if you don't show up for work at all, I'm afraid you get a stormy cloud. Sally: This is gonna be great! Scene Description: Park County Police Station, day. Seems Detective Yates is now police captain there. Detective Murphy enters the work room with a report. Murphy: Sir! Sir, take a look at this. We've got rumors coming in of a possible "prostitution company" starting up in South Park. Yates: What?! [grabs the report and leafs through it] Hohoo, not in my county! Murphy: We've got no information on the prostitutes, don't know who they are or where they came from. Yates: [walks off a bit] So then we need to go after the johns. We need to let the men of this town know that if they paid for sex they're going to jail! Murphy: Sting operation, sir? Yates: [turns to face his men] We need an undercover cop disguised as a prostitute, so we can arrest any citizens looking for cheap thrills! Scene Description: A seedy side of town, night. Chief Yates is dressed as a hooker and is waiting curbside for a john. A car slowly rolls up, then stops. Yates approaches the car. Yates: Hey baby, you looking for a party? Driver: Ha... how much are you charging? Yates: Twenty for oral, fifty for half and half, anal will cost you extra. Driver: Aww- get in. [Yates gets in and the car takes off] Scene Description: An alley, night. The car rolls into it. Yates: Right here's good, sexy. [the driver stops the car] Now if you wouldn't mind handing over the twenty dollars for oral sex. Driver: Ok-okay. [grabs his wallet, pulls out a twenty, and hands it to Yates] Yates: All right, buddy!... Go ahead and unbutton your pants. [the driver unzips his pants] All right! Here we go. [leans down unto the driver's genitals and starting giving him head] Driver: Aw... Aw yeah. Oh man oh... Ohh! Aw-aw-AWWW-aw. AW-aw. Oh, s-sorry I was so quick. Yates: Oh that's all right. [leans down to get something] Nothing wrong with a-FREEZE! [whips out his gun and badge, aiming the gun at the driver] You're busted, buddy! I'm a cop! Driver: Awhuh! What?! Yates: This is a sting operation, scumbag, and you're going to jail for soliciting prostitution. [grabs his walkie-talkie and talks into it] Got our first one, boys. I'm bringing him in for booking. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, the hallway. Kids are moving from place to place. Kenny, Cartman and Stan walk by and Kyle stops them. Kyle: Did you guys hear what's going on? There's like four girls at the school now offering to kiss boys for money. Stan: Yeah, I heard that now even Stacey Anderson is selling kisses. Kenny: (Stacey Anderson?) [mumbles something more, pulls out his five dollar bill and walks away. Butters walks up to them from the other direction] Butters: Hey fellas. Would anyone like a coupon? We're offerin' two for one kisses today through Thursday. Stan: Butters, you're the one doing all this? Butters: Yep! I am founder and head CEO of the Butters Kissing Company. Just look at this. [pulls out his stack of bills and shows it off] Cartman: Damn dude, you made all that money offa chicks? Butters: I'm tellin' ya guys, this is the most genius idea I've ever come up with. A lot of boys would pay to kiss my employees. Kyle: You didn't think of anything, Butters! Guys have been doing what you're doing for years! You're nothin' but a common pimp! [slams his locker door shut and walks off with the other three boys] Butters: ...A pimp. Huh... Scene Description: At the newly-christened Butters Kissing Co, Ltd. in his bedroom. Butters and Sally are at his desk. Butters is researching what it is to be a pimp. Butters: Bohy, Kyle was right, Sally. There's guys with kissing companies all over the country. "The person managing all the women is known as the 'pimp,' while the working women are referred to as 'ho' or 'bitch.'" Oh, you're a bitch, Sally. [smiles] Sally: Oh. [smiles] Butters: Hey, look at this! There's about to be a big pimp convention, it looks like. I gotta get to that convention, Sally. I could learn all kinds of stuff for our company. Scene Description: The Players Ball, night. Pimps and bitches of all shapes and sizes arrive and enter. Inside, they mingle, drink, dance, and Butters walks into view in a shirt and tie, and a name badge. He's sipping something. He spots a grown pimp and two of his bitches. Butters: [addressing the pimp] Hi there. My name is Butters. This sure is a nice convention, huh? Yeah, I'm just starting out. I really came last minute 'cause I was hoping to learn more about being a successful pimp. Bishop: You? You be pimpin'? Butters: Yeah, just about a week now. I have four girls at the moment, but I feel like I could be doing a better job. Scene Description: The Players Ball, A table of pimp trophies to be handed out is shown, then the camera moves up. Bishop: Now see, you think you're a pimp, but you can't be pimpin', know what I'm sayin'? You wanna be a pimp, then you gotta learn the game. See it's all about knowin' the game. Butters: What's the game? Bishop: The game is how you treat the bitches, know what I'm sayin'? Bitch gotta know when she out there, she makin' yo' muthafuckin' money, know what I'm sayin'? You got yo' main bitch, know what I'm sayin'? That be your "bottom bitch." That bitch rank higha than all the other bitches but she still a bitch, know what I'm sayin'? Butters: [taking notes] Yes I- I know what you are saying. You don't have to keep asking. Pimp 2: See it's all about mind control. You gotta act a punk. Any man can control a bitch's heart, but a pimp gotta control a bitch's mind, know what I'm sayin'? Butters: I know what you're saying. Pimp 2: Pimp gotta be out there every motherfuckin' day keepin' his bitches in line. Can't let 'em go shoppin', spendin' their money on stupid shit. Bitches gotta think that's your motherfuckin money, know what I'm sayin'? Butters: [getting pleased] Yeah! I believe I know what you are saying! Scene Description: Butters' home, day. Butters walks in the front door. Stephen: There you are, Butters! Butters: Hey Dad! Stephen: Butters, we heard a rumor that you might have a little girlfriend? [Linda doesn't look pleased] Sally Darson? Butters: Aw hell Dad, I got lots of girlfriends. Sally's just my bottom bitch. [walks past his parents and up the stairs, but stops for a moment and looks at them.] Do you know what I am saying? [they're left speechless as he continues up the stairs] Scene Description: A dark alley in South Park, night. Chief Yates is dressed again as a bitch and is in the back seat of someone else's car. Driver 2: I've got to tell you I... I don't do this kind of thing very often. You're sure you're not a cop, right? Yates: No way! Let's just get to this, baby. Driver 2: Alright. Scene Description: An unmarked police van is nearby, with some officers listening in... Yates: So, you are agreeing to have sex with me for one hundred dollars, correct? Driver 2: Sure, I have the money right here. Murphy: [to the other officer] Remember, he's going to give us the code word to move in. Wait for the code word, "stretch." Scene Description: A police cruiser, nearby. Two other cops are listening in as well... Officer: Code word is "stretch," copy? Scene Description: A rear shot of the john's car, which has tinted windows. Yates: Oh yeah, yeah, get those pants down. Driver 2: Oh, you feel good. Yates: Oh, you're a nasty little fuck, aren't you? Yeah, let me see that hot penis of yours. Oh yeah, nice. Yeah, I'm ready when you are. Driver 2: Oh yes. That's great. [the car begins to move up and down] Yates: Yeah, you like it? Driver 2: Oh, I love it! Yates: Yeah, you're a dirty fuck! Scene Description: The police van. The officers are shocked. Yates: Yeah, come on! Harder! Deeper! Driver 2: Oh yeah! [the van's driver looks back to see if Murphy and the other officer are as shocked as he is] Oh yeah! Yates: Yeah, teach me a lesson, daddy! Scene Description: The police cruiser, the two other cops are shocked too... Yates: Teach this little whore a lesson! Driver 2: Yeah! Yeah! Yates: Yeah, that's right! Driver 2: Awww, awwwww, awwwwoh! [the john's car stops moving] Awh. [the john sounds out of breath] Oh, oh man! [a shot of the john and Yates putting their clothes back on] Thank you! That was great. Yates: Yeah, you really worked it, Daddy. You really gave my little hole quite a... [leans into him] STRETCH. Scene Description: The police van. Murphy acts on the code word. Murphy: Uhhh, that, that's it. Move in! [the police van and car arrive quickly and the officers jump out] Driver 2: Oh God! It's the police! Yates: [quickly whips out his badge and gun] Freeze! [takes the john out of the car and throws him against the hood] You are under arrest for soliciting prostitution! Book him, boys! [the other officers come in and cuff the john] Driver 2: Please! Please don't do this! I have a wife and kids! Yates: A wife and kids. And you're out here trollin' the streets for prostitutes. You make me sick! Take him downtown, boys. I'm goin' back on the street. Scene Description: The school playground, day. The supervisor comes into view. Supervisor: [blows her whistle] That's it recess is over back to class. Kids: [disappointed] Aaaaaaah. Butters: Boy oh boy, really great work, bitches. You all sold lots of kisses today. Except for you, Megan, I'm afraid you get a stormy cloud sticker today. Annie: So wait, you're keeping all the money now? Butters: I just hold on to all the money, 'cause bitches can't be trusted with it. We pool all the kissing money together, see? But if you wanna buy anything, you just talk to the bottom bitch [places his left hand on Sally's right shoulder], and then the bottom bitch talks to me. Alright, see you after school! [walks away] Do you know what I am saying? Scene Description: Fourth Grade classroom, day. Mr. Garrison is writing math problems involving fractions on the blackboard. Mr. Garrison: Alright children, I want you to copy down these math problems and solve them before recess. Butters: [sees an opportunity...] Yo, Bebe. Bebe yo. Bebe: [bothered] What? Butters: Bitch you wanna make some motherfuckin' money? Bebe: [really bothered] What?! Butters: Bitch you should be doin' kisses on the playground. You can make fifty bucks a day! Buy all the purses and shoes that you've ever wanted. I'll treat you right, bitch. Bebe: Shut up! Butters: Oh, alright then. [copies some problems down, then looks at Wendy. Softly...] Hey Wendy. Wendy! [loudly] Bitch, don't you wanna start makin' some real fuckin' money? Wendy: Leave me alone. Butters: Why you were made for the playground, bitch. You should be out there workin'. Don't you want a new lunch box? Nice new coat? I can get all that for you, bitch. Stan: Butters. Dude! Butters: What? Stan: You can't call my girlfriend a bitch! Butters: Oh. Well all I'm sayin' the bitch should be out there workin' is all. [turns to Wendy] Whatcha doin' bitch? Just givin' kisses to Stan for free? Why you should be makin' some motherfuckin' money! Wendy: Stan! Stan: Butters, seriously, if you don't stop this I'll kick your ass! Butters: [whips out a bill] Clyde, here's a hundred bucks. If Stan comes near me, punch him. Clyde: Wow wee. [grabs the hundred] Cartman: Dude, we've created a monster. Butters: Come on Wendy, you should be puttin' that mouth to work. Mr. Garrison: Butters! Butters, do you have a problem?! Butters: All these bitches are kissin' fellers, and they haven't figured out that they can be making some serious fuckin' money! Scene Description: A shot at the temp buildings from the back of the main building. Butters escorts a new bitch to the area behind one of the buildings. Butters: Really glad you joined the company, Annie! Now remember: you're chargin' five dollars for a kiss, two for a hug, and six for half and half. Alright bitch? Alright, how about a freebie? [she gives him a freebie] Ohwoah, [twirls around] whoopie! [walks away, leaving Annie at her new post. As he re-enters the playground, Kyle meets him] Kyle: Butters, I really think we should talk. Butters: Sure, Kyle. Kyle: Butters, can't you see this is wrong? You've got little boys all over school spending all their lunch money on kisses. Boys shouldn't be paying for kisses. It's wrong. Butters: Kyle, every boy pays for kisses. Do you know what I am saying? If you've got a girl, and she kisses you, sooner or later you're paying for it. You've gotta take her out to lunch, take her to a movie, and then spend time listenin' to all her stupid problems. Look, look at Stan right there. [Kyle turns to see Stan, who's listening to Wendy over at the merry-go-round] He's gotta sit there and listen to her stupid motherfuckin' problems 'cause she kisses him. If you ask me, that's a lot more than the five dollars my company charges. Kyle: Butters, what's happened to you? Butters: What happened is that I became a man! I'm sorry I'm not your little buddy anymore, but there's a time people have to grow up! [storms off, but turns once more to ask] Do you know what I am saying?! [turns and continues walking towards the main building] Scene Description: ATΩ frat house, night. There's a party going on in there. Frat boy 1: [from the third floor balcony] Alpha Tau Omega, woo! Frat boy 2: [walks by on the street and looks up] ATOs! Frat boy 3: Alright, ATOs, our little Kevin is twenty one today! [the other frat boys cheer] And so, Kevin, we would like to welcome you to manhood. Our gift to you. [a huge three-tiered cake is wheeled in and the music changes as Chief Yates jumps out of the cake. He begins to dance around] Frat boys: Eewwww! Singer: Suckin' on my titties like you wanted me, Calling me all the time like Blondie. Check out my Chrissie behind, It's fine all of the time. Like sex on the beaches, What else is in the teaches of peaches? Huh, what? Scene Description: ATΩ frat house, later that night. Only three windows on the second floor are lit now, and an orgy is heard. Yates: Give it to me! Come on, you sissies, I can fit more of ya! [more moaning from the frats] Yeah, you like your little stripper whore?! You like her?! FREEZE! [silence. Only the crickets are heard. Some minutes later the police swarm the frat house] Take them all to the station, for oral and anal sex with a prostitute! Half of them didn't even use a condom! [faces the frats] Don't you stupid kids know the diseases you can catch?! Hand me that evidence bag. [an officer hands him the bag, which he opens and places under his ass. He proceeds to crap into it, but when the bag is sealed, it's all white - it's all semen.] Murphy: Sir, sssome of us are wwwondering if maybe y-you're not... taking this role a bit far? Yates: What?! No way! Nothing is more important than keeping prostitution out of our community! [his cell phone rings] Oh, hold on, that's my daddy. [answers the phone] Hey Daddy. Bishop: [at the other end of the line] Where you at, bitch? I need my bottom bitch right now. Yates: Ye-yes, Daddy, I'm on my way. Bishop: I made you my bottom bitch, now you gotta take care of yo' pimp, know what I'm sayin'? Yates: Be right there. Sorry guys, my daddy needs me right now. [limps away painfully] Scene Description: The streets in another Colorado city, night. Two prostitutes are working a corner with cigarettes in hand. The white one has a black left eye. Black bitch: Damn bitch! Yo' pimp beat yo' ass again? White bitch: He's an asshole. Black bitch: You know, I heard a rumor about some new pimp up in Park County. They say he's real respectful; lots of girls switching over to him. White bitch: A pimp that respects his hos? Sign my ass up. [takes a drag from her cigarette] Scene Description: Butters Kissing Co, Ltd. Butters' stable of bitches has expanded to include some adult prostitutes. Butters: And that's... three thousand dollars today for Charise. [looks up at her over his left shoulder] Charise: Did I do good, Daddy? Butters: REALLY great work, bitch! That is another... [looks for the right cell to place the sticker on and finds it] sunshine sticker for you. Charise: Thank you, Daddy. [kisses him on his head] Butters: [gets excited] Mmmwhoa boy! Scene Description: ACORN, the Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now, day. Butters is filing some paperwork with the receptionist there. His bitches stand near the entrance waiting for him to finish. Butters: And so, I would like to see if there are any housing loan opportunities for some of my employees, and also what kind of corporate tax I should be filing under. Receptionist: And exactly what kind of business are you running? Butters: It's a kissing company. Receptionist: And you're making a profit? Butters: Oh sure! My black employee Charise over there, one time she made two thousand dollars, on one customer! Can you believe it? Two thousand dollars just to kiss a feller. She currently stays in a motel room, 'cause a lot of her customers see her late. [puts his hand over the right side of his mouth and whispers so Charise doesn't hear] You wouldn't believe the time of night some fellers wanna kiss. Receptionist: [getting suspicious] Do you keep any record of the men getting these "kisses"? Butters: 'Course. My bottom bitch keeps a database of all our customers, specially the VIPs, like Senator Morris. Receptionist: Senator Morris? Butters: Sure! Senator Morris gets kisses every day at lunchtime. You know where he likes to get kissed? Receptionist: Where? Butters: In a motel room. Darnedest thing. He must get sleepy. Receptionist: Alright, get out of here! [throws Butters' papers back at him] Butters: Huh? Why? Receptionist: I'm not falling for it! Butters: But I heard ACORN helps pimps and their bitches! Receptionist: [rises in anger] We aren't giving you anything; get out! [her boss walks up next to her] Boss: Mrs. Davis, is there some kind of problem? Receptionist: Eh no sir. Butters: Heey! Mr. Daniels! You get kisses from my bitch Roxy in the alley behind Sizzler. [Mr. Daniels' jaw drops, and Mrs. Davis looks at him] Scene Description: Butters Kissing Co, Ltd., later. A couple more females have joined the company. Butters: Boy, how do you like that, bitches? Approval for two housing loans and tax-exempt status. File these away, Sally. Sally: Okay. Charise: Ubup. Daddy, how come this ho get to be bottom bitch? Sally: What? Charise: I make the most money for you Daddy, that means if anyone should be bottom bitch, it's me. Sally: [she and Charise face off] Hey, screw off, ho. Charise: Fair is fair, ho. Butters: [rushes in to keep the hos from fighting] Whoa whoa, bitches, bitches! Yates: [voice only] Excuse me! [comes through the door] Well well well, this must be the organization I've been hearing so much about. Took me a long time to find you. You won't believe the hardships I've been through trying to track you down. My name is Yolanda. I'd like to know all about your operation here. You see I just left my pimp recently and I'm looking for a new one? Butters: Oh. Well we operate on a sixty-forty split here. Bitches have access to Medicare and now, low-income housing loans. Yates: Well, I think that's about all I need to hear. Bishop: [voice heard outside the window] Yolanda! [his car honks repeatedly] Yolanda! Butters: What's that? Scene Description: Butters' front door, moments later. Everyone has gone downstairs to see who's calling Yolanda. Bishop is on one knee with a bouquet of flowers in his hands. Bishop: [pleading] Yolanda please! You gotta come back to me! I got nothin' without you! Yates: You've got a lot of nerve coming here, Keshawn! After the way you treated me? I need a pimp that doesn't beat me every time he gets drunk! Keshawn: [on his feet] Yolanda, I looove you. I need you. Not as my bottom bitch. I want... [back on one knee] I want to marry you. [opens a small box in which rests an engagement ring. Yates looks moved by this display of affection] Yates: It's too late for that, Keshawn! I just told this pimp I was his bitch now. Butters: Well wait, hold on now. Why I'd never get in the way of somebody being happy. Well us pimps gotta be good. Even to each other. Keshawn: [crying gratefully] Thanks, pimp. You done changed the game, that's what you did. [offers the ring once more] Marry me Yolanda? We'll move to a little château in Switzerland and get away from all this. Yates: Oh Keshawn! [runs to him and they hug and kiss for a long time] Butters: Wha? Awww. Keshawn: I love you so much. Yates: Babe, I love you too. Keshawn: So much, baby. Yates: Let's, uh, let's just be happy okay? Keshawn: Promise, babe. Promise. Butters: [moved to tears] Oh, oh. [feeling remorse] Oh jeez. [closes the front door softly] Scene Description: Butters' living room. Butters: Gals. Gals, could you all come gather round? Gather round, gals; take a knee. [the girls come and genuflect] Gals, I... well I'm afraid I can't do this anymore. I'm gonna be leavin' the company. Well I enjoyed being your pimp and all, it's just that... when I see real love, like what those two people have, well, well it just makes me feel like a... well, like a dick. Well I may be a man now, but it doesn't mean I have the right to be earnin' money for what girls do, whether you're chargin' fellers for kisses by cash or by makin' them listen to your stupid motherfuckin' problems. Well that's your hard work. Bitches, this is your company now, so get out there, and make yourselves some motherfuckin' money! Scene Description: The Swiss château. The camera zooms in from a great distance. Bishop and Yates are enjoying their new home. Keshawn: Happy anniversary baby. [slips a diamond necklace on Yates' neck] Do you like 'em? Yates: I love 'em, darling. Keshawn: I wanted to get you something extra-special. Yates: [reaches down to get something] Well hold on. I've got something for you too, my love. I just put it right over here by the... [whips out his gun and badge] FREEZE!! Ha! You're busted, buddy! I'm a cop!

Scene Description: A professional wrestling ring. John Cena and Edge are in the ring with two lady wrestlers. One of them wears a pink bra, the other a black one. John Cena: Say that again, Edge! You think you're better than me?! Edge: Cena, your mouth has gotten you in trouble for the last time! I'm gonna shut it up for you! Spectators: Oooooooooooooooooooooo! Darryl: Mess him up, Edge! Obese woman: Kick his ass! WOO! John Cena: Oh yeah?! I've got somethin' else to tell you, Edge! I slept with Vanessa last night. [everyone boos. Vanessa, the one with the pink bra, is embarrassed and tries to hide her face] Redneck 1: [his vest has a tag that says "Eddie" on it] Cena slept with Edge's girlfriend? Cartman: Oh my God, dude, this is sooo awesome! Stan: I'm having the best time! Edge: [a huge image of himself is on a massive TV screen behind him] You cheated, and took my belt from me, and now I can't hardly get work wrestling! You took muh girl AND you took my job! [all gasp] Darryl: He took his job! Redneck 2: He took his jrrr? Redneck 3: Took hid drrr! [Edge throws down the mic and prepares to attack Cena. Edge slaps Cena hard enough that Cena falls to the ground, then does a victory pose. The ladies begin to wrestle] Cartman: Oh, sweet! [the woman in black bra pulls on the other woman's arm using her right leg as leverage, then begins pummeling her. Cena throws Edge against the ropes] Edge: Whoa... [flies off the ropes and into Cena's clothesline, which sends him to the floor on his back.] Butters: Yes! Yehhehehes! Cartman: This is awesome! Scene Description: The Pepsi Center, night. The show has ended and the fans are pouring out of the center towards their cars. The boys come out as well: Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, Butters, Jimmy, and Token. Cartman: Dude! That was so badass! Kyle: Wrestling is awesome! Stan: This is it you guys! We know what our calling in life is now. Tomorrow we are signing up for wrestling class! [the other boys cheer this decision.] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, after school, gym. A sign on the gym door says the junior wrestling club is meeting at 4:15. The gym has new windows. The seven boys are present, all wearing protective gear and wrestling uniforms. They look down at their uniforms. Cartman: The fuck is this?! Stan: [a couple of seconds later] Why did they have us put on long underwear. Kyle: Well ah I guess in wrestling we're supposed to make our own outfit, and then wear it over this. Butters: Ohhh. Yeah, that makes sense. Kyle: Alright, so did everyone settle on their wrestling names? Cartman: I did. I'm the Rad Russian. [affects a fake Russian accent] I come from Russian to crush your puny capitalist heads! Coach: [arriving] Alright boys! I'm really glad to see we have some new recruits interested in the fine sport of wrassling. Kyle: Cool! Stan: Yeah! Butters: Let's do this! Cartman: All right! Coach: Now, the first thing we're gonna learn today are the fundamental wrassling holds. Let's get some volunteers. Uh why don't come over here young man? What's your name? Cartman: The Rad Russian. Coach: What? Cartman: You capitalist swine, I'll crush you! Coach: Okay uh, just go ahead and get on your hands and knees. Cartman: Huh? Coach: Just, down on, down on the floor. [Cartman bends over a bit, unsure of how to do this, given his girth] Hands and knees. [the coach helps him out in getting into position.] Cartman: Okay... Coach: Alright and now how about you. Your name is? Butters: Triceratops! Coach: Uh, all right, uh cu, come on over here. I'm gonna position you in the official wrassling starting position. [drapes Butters over Cartman] Here- we- go. Cartman: The fuck is this?! Coach: Now just reach around him here. Good. Cartman: Dude! Dude! DUDE! [jumps to his feet] The fuck are you doing?! Coach: Get back on the floor! I'm teaching the starting position of wrassling! Cartman: That's not wrestling, dude, that's fucking gay! Stan: Yeah, what are you? A child molester? Kyle: Where's all the cool costumes and jumping off ropes and stuff?! Coach: Oh, not this again! Let me guess: you just went to that stupid WWE show in Denver last night! The boys: Yeah! [all smiles] Coach: Ugh. [the boys frown at this] The WWE is not wrassling! That's a bunch of fake bullcrap! How stupid are you! Real wrassling, boys, is this! [spreads his arms out to indicate the floor and their uniforms - practice, practice, practice] Cartman: Well this is fucking lame dude! Let's get the hell out of here, guys. [they all take off their headgear and walk away] Stan: Yeah, this guy probably wants to take pictures of us naked. Butters: I got, half a mind to report, r-report you to the police, sir! [throws his headgear on the floor and walks away glaring back at the coach] Coach: Rrrgh! Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. He holds up a program written in crayon. Cartman: The Wrestling Takedown Federation has several matches planned today. Alright, sooo, here's how we'll do this, guys. I'll come out to the ring first and then Jimmy, you come in and tell me you're gonna kick my ass. Then I'm gonna say "You slept with my girlfriend," and I'll charge you into a head slap. Jimmy: Sounds good. Cartman: Then Butters, you come in as the ref all like "No no, the fight hasn't started yet," and that's when Jimmy sneaks up from behind and hits me over the head with a foldaway chair. Butters: Okey doke. Jimmy: So is that when I t- tell you that your girlfriend is a whore? Cartman: Noo, let's save the "girlfriend is a whore" line until after Stan headbutts Butters for trying to stop the fight again. Butters: Hmboy, wrestling sure is fun! Cartman: Alright are you ready to try this, guys? Stan: Yup. Cartman: Alright, let's start wrestlin'. [the boys take their starting positions] Jimmy: I am gonna k-kick your ass! Cartman: You slept with my girlfriend, Hammerclaw! [Cartman slaps him hard, and Jimmy falls. Butters intervenes.] Butters: Hey! No! No, the fight hasn't started yet. No, bad. Cartman: Hey! He slept with my girlfriend, referee! In my country we don't wait for a bell, miste-[Jimmy sneaks up behind him with a folding chair and smashes it into the back of his head, making him fall forward] ah! Jimmy: Your girlfriend is a whore! Cartman: [whispers aloud] Wait for it, wait for the whore line. Jimmy: [softly] Oh, I'm sorry. Token: You're gonna get it now, Hammerclaw! Stan: We'll see about that! Butters: Now hold on! I am stopping the fight! [Stan headbutts him] Eoh! Scene Description: A park behind the Cartman house. The wall separating the backyard from the field is gone. Redneck 4: What's goin' on? Redneck 5: Apparently that crippled kid slept with that Russian kid's girlfriend. Redneck 4: Jeez they're so young. Scene Description: First match. Kyle: I'll kill you, Triceratops! You made fun of my crippled mother! Butters: That's because your mother betrayed my mother, Juggernaut! Scene Description: Second match. Stan: You don't come to this country and make fun of it! Cartman: And just vhat do you care about your pitiful country?! Stan: I served my country! I fought for two years in Vietnam. Scene Description: From the seats in the backyard. Redneck 6: That kid was in 'Nam? Man, that's incredible! Redneck 7: Good for you for serving your country! Scene Description: Out on the street, a redneck runs to tell the rednecks haning out on a truck. Redneck 8: Guys, check this out! There's this little kid from the Congo, who was raised by panthers! Redneck 9: Are you serious? Scene Description: Third match. Kyle: Just admit it, Congo! Admit that you lied about me to Irene! Token: I admit nothing! Maybe Irene lied to you! Scene Description: From the seats in the backyard. There are more chairs present. Redneck 10: That kid in the hat is havin' sex with two different girls? Redneck 11: Naw, that little kid from the Congo lied about one of them to try and get the kid in the hat in trouble with his wife. Redneck 12: They're married? Scene Description: Fourth match intro. Jimmy: You have to forfeit the fight, Rad Russian! You cannot fight until your test results come ba-back! Cartman: I might have to wait for my hepatitis test, but in the mean time, I have brought my comrade from Mexico to wrestle against you! Scene Description: From the seats in the backyard. Redneck 9: That Russian kid's got hepatitis? Scene Description: Fourth match. Announcer: And here he comes now, the cold-blooded wrestler from Mexico, El Pollo Loco! [Kenny, dressed as a masked luchador, comes out to mariachi fanfare and sparklers. The spectators clap and cheer him on] Jimmy: What are you doing here, El, El Pollo Loco? Kenny: (I came here to kick your ass once and for all!) Scene Description: Nighttime. The wrestling matches are coming one after the other, connected by convoluted plot lines and story arcs. Kyle: Your girlfriend doesn't even like you, Stan the Man! She likes me! Stan: You have no idea what you're saying Juggernaut! Irene loves me and I'm gonna marry her! Kyle: If she wants to be with you, how about you have her tell all these people here? Announcer: Uh oh, here she comes now! It's Bad Irene! [Cartman, dressed as a diva, walks out of the dressing room and towards the ring. The crowd hoots and hollers. She climbs right in and takes the mic from Stan's hand] Cartman: Let me tell you something! Let me tell you something! It's true, I love Stan the Man with all my heart, but... I want to be with Juggernaut now. Stan: What?! Redneck 13: No! No! What are you doing?! Stan the Man loves you! Redneck 14: Don't break his heart! Stan: If you love Juggernaut, Irene, then tell him what you did two years ago! How you killed his child! Cartman: It's true. I was pregnant with your child and aborted it. [the crowd boos and expresses its disapproval] Kyle: Irene, no! Why? Cartman: Do you know what it's like to have an abortion at seven years old? DO YOU? I've had so many abortions. I just... got addicted to them. Redneck 15: Whoa, did you hear that? Redneck 16: Shh! Stan: Irene, you said you loved me! Cartman: I'm not in love with you, I'm in love with abortions. Don't you undestand?! [screams, runs up to Stan with a steel chair, and smashes him with it, knocking him down] Spectators: Ohhhh! [Kyle runs up to Cartman and knocks him down with a flying kick] Ahhhh! Scene Description: Skeeter's Bar, night. A bunch of men are gathered at the bar chatting. Darryl: I'm telling you guys, you've got to see this. These kids ain't more than eight or nine years old an' they got more problems than you can imagine. Redneck 13: There's this one kid, he saw his father get murdered. And yesterday he finds the killer, and it's this other kid whose an ex-cop. Needless to say, he whupped his ass good. Darryl: Yup, and there's this little girl, she's actually addicted to gettin' abortions. Got pregnant by nearly every boy there. Redneck 17: You're shittin' me! Redneck 13: No! We're telling you these kids are fucking crazy! You gotta check it out! [the wrestling coach is sitting nearby, stewing at the conversation] Darryl: You can watch 'em almost every afternoon. It's some of the greatest wrestlin' we ever seen. Coach: [rises from his seat and approaches the men at he bar] It isn't real! Don't you people understand that stuff isn't real?! None of it! How stupid are you?! [Skeeter and another bar patron look at each other] Redneck 13: [strokes his chin thoughtfully] What do you mean, it ain't real? Coach: It's all made up! Fiction! Real wrassling is a serious and respectable sport! Why can't you people understand that that kind of wrestling isn't real?! Darryl: [walks up to the coach] Mister, there's a little girl out there who's had fourteen abortions, an' she ain't even ten yet. But I guess that's just [holds up two fingers on each hand in a quote gesture] "not real" to you! [turns and walks back to the bar, saying under his breath] Son of a bitch. Coach: Look look look! [whips out his iPhone to show them] THIS is wrestling. THIS. [two men are shown wrestling in Greco-Roman style. There's a lot of grunting in the match. The bar patrons watch the little screen for a few seconds] Darryl: Mister, you'd better take your gay porn an' walk right out of this bar. Scene Description: Cartman's backyard, a new dressing room. The boys prepare for their matches. Stan looks out through the curtains. Stan: Holy crap dude, there's a huge turnout tonight. Kyle: Good thing we made those changes to the seating. Cartman: Alright you guys, let's bring it in. [the boys huddle and hold hands] I think we've done a really great job and let's just keep the energy up, you know, have a good flow, and have fun out there, okay? Butters: Yeah! Kyle: Let's do this! One! Two! Boys: Backyard wrestling! Scene Description: Cartman's backyard, moments later. The yard has been transformed into a Greek amphitheater. A façade now covers the back side of the house and a wrestling ring is in the amphitheater's pit. The place looks filled to capacity with people chattering, waiting for the matches to begin. The amphitheater lights dim and the crowd cheers as the wrestlers come out. Cartman: Oh what a perfect night for fighting. Lo, the moon sets upon the tips of the trees and I, the man known as the Rad Russian, start to stir with the excitement of violence. Stan: Only a country like yours can breed men of such discontent, Rad Russian. But you don't know what real pain is! PAIN! Like I've known. Abandoned when I was four years old by my parents. Left to die in a cold and dark sewage tunnel! Redneck 13: Gee, I didn't know his parents did that. Redneck 18: Shhh. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, principal's office, day. Principal Victoria is talking with the wrestling coach. Principal Victoria: I'm very sorry, but I'm afraid we have to terminate your employment here at South Park Elementary. Coach: You're firing me? Why?! Principal Victoria: The school board has decided to discontinue the wrestling program. Wrestling simply involves too much adult subject matter, like murder and abortion. [shows him the South Park Gazette, which has the headline "Kids Wrestle with Adult Issues"] Coach: No, this isn't wrassling! THIS ISN'T WRASSLING! Principal Victoria, just let me stay on and I can teach kids what real wrassling is! Principal Victoria: I'm sorry, the board has made up their minds. Coach: You can't fire me for what these kids do! Principal Victoria: That isn't the only reason you're being let go. Coach: What do you mean? Principal Victoria: [sighs] We... found all the gay porn on your iPhone, Mr. Conners. Scene Description: The wrestling dressing room, day. The boys are dressing up for another round of wrestling matches. Kyle and Token are talking. Kyle: So I'm thinking we do the part about Jimmy's relationship with his alcoholic father after you smash Butters onto the table. Token: Oh! Sure, that works. Cartman: [rushing in with a letter] You guys! You guys, listen to this! It's amazing! Kyle: What dude? [the other boys gather 'round] Cartman: We just received a letter from the WWE. Stan: From the professional wrestlers we saw in Denver? Butters: No way! Cartman: "Gentlemen, We have heard of your wrestling organization and are quite interested in its popularity. The WWE is delighted to inform you that it will be sending a talent scout, President Vince McMahon to view your wrestling event this Saturday the twenty-fourth." Stan: Vince McMahon is coming to see us? Kyle: This is our shot at making it into the WWE. To be real wrestlers. [Stan and Kyle begin chanting "Omigod!" repeatedly] Stan: Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! Omigod!.. Kyle: Oh my God... Oh my God... Token: I can't believe it's him. Butters: I'm freaking out... Kyle: [fans himself] Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! Cartman: Okay guys! Guys, listen! We seriously have to focus here! We have exactly three days before the scout is here to see us wrestle. We gotta step it up and work it like never before. Stan: Alright it's time to start the second act. Let's bring the crowd back in from intermission and then improvise some stuff for Saturday! Scene Description: Intermission. The crowd is milling around in the front lawn, and the darkened amphitheater is visible behind the fence. Darryl: Yeah, no I I think Congo is a great wrestler; I just think Rad Russian has his number. Redneck 19: Yeah, but Rad Russian has a lot of abandonment issues. [a chime sounds, indicating the start of the second act] Darryl: Uh oh, it looks like the intermission is over, better head back. Scene Description: The amphitheater. The lights come up on Kyle in the ring, who begins to speak. Kyle: I left my wife today. Walked out of the apartment without saying a word. I ran away from my responsibilities... just like I always do. [an elderly fan holds up a sign: "STOP RUNNING JUGGERNAUT"] And I, again, am alone. [Stan, Butters, and Token climb into the ring behind him] Stan: Here he is, hiding in the forest as I told you. [Kyle turns to see the other three boys] Butters: Juggernaut! There is to be an Ultimate Smackdown this Saturday! Are you going to run from that as well? Kyle: I'll fight anytime, anywhere! Redneck 20: He don't run from fights, just from responsibilities. [Token swings a chair into the back of Kyle's head, and Kyle falls to the floor] Crowd: Oohhhhh! [Token begins to twist Kyle's arm] Boooooooo! Stan: What do I do? Juggernaut is my long lost brother. [Kenny climbs into the ring as El Pollo Loco] And yet Congo saved my life in Nam. [Kenny picks up the chair and swings it into Token, and Stan turns to see him] Announcer: It's El Pollo Loco! [a section full of Mexican fans hold up a Mexican flag and two banners: "Viva El Pollo Loco" and "Me Gusta El Pollo Loco"] Scene Description: Sizzler, Thursday. The four boys are seated at a table. Cartman: Thanks for coming, guys. I'm sure you're wondering why I've called you here to Sizzler. Kyle: Yeah, what's this about? We should be writing our monologues for Smackdown. Cartman: Well guys, Kenny and I have been talking. Kenny: (Yeah, we've been talking.) Cartman: And, I mean, Smackdown might be our one shot at making it into the WWE, right? I mean a shot like this might never come again. Stan: Yeah? Cartman: Well, the way we see it, we have three primary obstacles in making Smackdown a great show: Token, Butters, Jimmy. Kenny: (Yep.) Kyle: What are you talking about? Cartman: Guys, let's face it: they can't wrestle for crap! I mean, every time I wrestle with one of them, they flub a line or blow their monologue. And Token? He has no emotion, no timing, he's the worst wrestler I've ever seen! Stan: He's right. Kyle: What? Stan: Dude, it's really hard to do your best wrestling when you're up against Token. Cartman: Right? Stan: And Butters and Jimmy I mean, they're okay but, they're never gonna make it as professional wrestlers. Kyle: Well, so then WWE will recruit us and not them. Cartman: No dude, they're gonna hurt our chances. Kenny: (They're gonna hurt our chances.) Cartman: Because we all know that the new material I've written is stuff those guys can't handle, and we'll suffer from it! Kyle: So what do we do? Kenny: (We've gotta bring somebody else on.) Cartman: Yep. We've gotta bring somebody else on who can handle the more difficult roles that we can wrestle against instead of those guys. Stan: Somebody who can do the harder stuff we've written so that Token, Butters, and Jimmy can have smaller parts. Kyle: How do we find somebody who can wrestle that well? Cartman: It's simple. We just gotta hold tryouts. Scene Description: Tryouts, later on. Syncopated music plays, similar to "All That Jazz." The four boys are seated at a table a few rows up in the amphitheater. Cartman: Number seventeen step forward, please? [a man steps forward shielding his eyes from the glare of the spotlights] You're wrestling a Muslim immigrant. You suspect he could be a terrorist and your parents died in the 9/11 attacks. Go! Number 17: [gets into a slight crouch] You dirty Muslim bastard! I don't trust you, and I never will! Do you know how it feels to lose your parents?! No you wouldn't, you smelly brown Middle Eastern piece of sh- Cartman: Thank you! Number twenty-four? [another man steps forth as Number 17 returns to his place] You're wrestling for the right to marry Mackenzie Phillips, but just learned that she had sex with her father uh, go! Number 24: Your father! Your own father! [slaps himself four times] I don't care if you were on drugs, you sick! Whore! Cartman: Thank you. [Number 24 returns to his place] Kyle: That guy's a pretty good wrestler. Kenny: (Mhm.) Stan: Yeah yeah, not bad. Cartman: Let's see uh, can we get number thirty seven to step forward again. [Number 37 steps forward] We just wanna get to know you all a little better. What can you tell us about yourself? Number 37: Not a whole lot to tell, really. Was born in Fort Collins, started watching wrestling when I was four years old. My father... he liked it too. Until he died. [stirring music begins to play] Sometimes I think it's 'cause of him I followed this dream. [breaks into song] All my life, all I ever wanted was to Beeeee a wrestler Fiiiiighting in the ring Winning that belt. And so I dreamed every night that I was the Uuuuundertaaker Smaaaaashing skulls in Breaking arms. But I'm so worked up. This is something I can do. Do I have what it takes inside? Stan: Damn dude, that is some badass wrestling. Cartman: Yeah, this guy crushes. Scene Description: The coach's trophy room. A whole bunch of wrestling trophies and awards are shown as the camera pans to the right. The coach is seated in his armchair. Mr. Conners: It isn't fair. All my hard work. [he's reading Saturday's Gazette, which has Vince McMahon's picture and name under the headline "Wrestling Smackdown Brings WWE President"] I'm not going to take it anymore. [he throws the paper to the floor, gets up from the chair, and walks over to a mirror.] That wrestling show is in for a big surprise. [grabs his headgear and puts it on] I'm putting an end to this once and for all! [gets into a wrestling stance] Hyaaaaa! Scene Description: Cartman's house, Saturday night. A banner under the second-floor windows reads "ULTIMATE SMACKDOWN TONIGHT!!!" People from all over South Park gather on the front lawn. A white limo with the WWE logo emblazened on it comes to a stop in front of the house. Kyle: [standing on a stool by the front window] He's here! Vince McMahon is here! [the other boys arrive. An assistant opens the back door and Vince steps out and surveys the front yard.] Jimmy: Oowow, it's really him. Stan: He's here, Ohh my God [Kyle hops off the stool and joins Stan in the chant] Omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod o- Cartman: [preparing to dress as Irene] Alright, places everyone. Scene Description: The backyard amphitheater. The lights go out and two spotlights light up the ring. Cartman: [over the speakers] Welcome to this performance of Wrestling Takedown Federation: Smackdown. [An opera box has been built to accommodate McMahon. It has four seats, and an usher takes McMahon and assistant to their seats. Vince has his own personal Playbill with "WTF" on the cover] Stan: Juggernaut? Juggernaut, hey, what's goin' on? Kyle: You know what's goin' on. It's Smackdown tonight. Which means we might have to fight each other. Stan: Heyhey whoa, you shouldn't be fighting anybody. What about your cancer? Kyle: Wait a minute. Who is that? Stan: It's Triceratops, and he's with Irene. [Coach Connors sneaks up to the side of Cartman's house with a briefcase and puts his back up against the wall] Kyle: You aren't welcome here, Triceratops! Cartman: My man can do whatever he wants. Mr. Conners: Stay calm, you know what you have to do. Cartman: You're just gonna have to deal with that. Mr. Conners: For the good of real wrassling. [quickly moves away and out of sight] Butters: No Irene, please! Just this once, do not abort this baby! Cartman: My body, my rights! In fact, I'm jonesing for the rush so badly, I don't think I'll make it to the clinic. Stan: No, you can't possibly mean that-! Cartman: Yes! I think maybe I'll have another abortion! Right here, right now! Crowd: Awwwww! Kyle: There's someone here to wrestle you, Irene! A baby you aborted many years ago survived! And he's here now! Number 37: [leaps into view in yellow tights and red boots] Mother! Why did you abort me? Why? Redneck 21: He's alive! Cartman: You! Get back in the trashcan where you belong! Scene Description: The opera box. Assistant: What do you think? Stan: Irene, there's no way we could let you here, and I'd let you do something informal like that. Vince: They are decent wrestlers. We'll see how they develop their through lines in the second act. [whips out some opera glasses and puts them on] Scene Description: Under the bleachers. Coach Connors is sneaking around, occasionally going into a wrestling stance. Jimmy: Aha! I thought I would find you here, Triceratops! Butters: Stay out of my business Sergeant Hammerclaw! You just stay out of my way! Guard: [catching up to the coach] Excuse me. I'm sorry, I'm afraid this area is off limits. Butters: [after Jimmy says something] Are you sure? Mr. Conners: Oh don't mind me. [puts down his briefcase] I was just about to- [quickly gets the guard to the ground and takes up the starting position of wrassling.] Guard: [seems to be enjoying all the moves and grunts the coach is making] Heh whoa-ho! Heh hey! Whoawhoawhoa. Whoahoho. Eheheh. The fuck is this? Scene Description: The backyard amphitheater. The next segment begins with the Rad Russian holding court while the other wrestlers sway to the music behind him. Cartman: O, how I long for the spring meadows of Russia! The soft Russian sky! Scene Description: An upper floor under the bleachers. The coach climbs up a ladder to this floor and sets his briefcase down. He opens the case and assembles the rocket-propeled grenade launcher inside it. Stan: When are you going to face reality, Congo? Just because you were raised by panthers doesn't mean you are one! Butters: He's closer to a panther than you'll ever be! Jimmy: Lies! These are all a bunch of lies! [back to the ring. Kenny has a bloody baby doll under his left arm. A fake umbilical cord is attached to it] Now you listen here, El, Pollo Loco! It doesn't matter if your wife was killed, you cannot keep Irene's aborted baby! Kenny: (I can keep the baby...) Scene Description: The railing at the very top of the amphitheater, behind the topmost seats. The coach climbs up and over it with his RPGL. Cartman: Just let them crawl back to Mexico Sergeant Hammerclaw. [The coach picks up the RPGL, puts it on his shoulder, and takes aim] We can't... might as well go back to your land of burritos, tacos, and take this aborted baby where it will fit in right with all the other aborted babies in Mexico! Mr. Conners: [while Cartman speaks] Only one shot. [moves his aim from the ring to the opera box] Maximum damage. [zooms in on McMahon] This is all your fault, you WWE president asshole! Your fault we all die here. Right. Now. FOR WRASSLING! [fires the launcher and the rocket takes off. It goes towards the façade, but stops and drops harmlessly into the ring] NO! [Kenny picks it up. It comes back to life and takes off with him holding on. They go all over the place, but finally take off into the sky, where the grenade blows up and releases fireworks. Below, Mexican fans of El Pollo Loco hold up banners: "Viva El Pollo Loco" "Me Gusta El Pollo Loco"] Fan 1: O dios mio, mataron al Pollo Loco! Fan 2: Bastardos! [Kenny's theme music comes up as the fireworks continue coming down. Vince and his assistant stand up and applaud the performance] Mr. Conners: [coming down the bleachers towards the ring] No! No, shut up! [steps into the ring] You idiots want wrassling?! This is wrassling! [performs some wrestling stances and grunts, but gets booed] Redneck 22: We want some real wrestlers! Mr. Conners: This is just a bunch of garbage! And you are all ruining the good name of wrassling! [the boos continue] Wrassling is from ancient Greece! It's in the Olympics! Darryl: What the hell do you care?! Get off the wrestlin' mat! Boo! Mr. Conners: Why do I care? These kids made it so real wrassling is gone from schools! It's practically gone from the culture. Damn it they took my job! Crowd: [suddenly confused] Huh? What? Redneck 5: They took his job. Redneck 23: I know. Sshh. [the crowd falls silent, waiting for his next words] Mr. Conners: You want to know pain? Pain is dedicating your entire life to a sport, to a career, and then having it all ripped away from you like a babe from its mother. Darryl: Oh man, they took his job? Redneck 13: They took hid-drr. Mr. Conners: Lost everything! Couldn't even afford to pay for my... little retriever Rex anymore! Animal Control came and got him! Redneck 24: They took his dog! Redneck 25: They tok hid-drr! Redneck 5: Took hid-drrr! Mr. Conners: I ended up on the streets, stealing! Got busted by the police and had to spend the night in jail! The other inmates, they all beat me up and fractured my jaw to where I couldn't eat! Redneck 26: They broke his jaw! Redneck 22: Theeyy broke his jaw! Redneck 27: Brk hij-jrr! [a rooster in a cage crows] Mr. Conners: So you see I have nothing left. Nothing! Not even the will to live. [He closes his eyes. The crowd takes it in, applauds, then gives him a standing ovation. He opens his eyes, surprised at the reaction. Flowers begin falling at his feet, and Vince McMahon steps into the ring to approach him] Vince: Sir, that was one of the finest wrestling performances I have ever seen. Mr. Conners: What? Vince: Will you not join our wrestling organization? I promise to make you our leading act. Mr. Conners: You, you mean it? Vince: Come! I want to get you in rehearsals right away! [leaves the ring with the coach] Kyle: What? Stan: Dude. Cartman: Hey, what about us? Our show? [the coach is now grinning as the two men walk away] Vince: Sorry boys. You are decent wrestlers, but lack the raw wrestling talent this man has. The boys: Aaaaah. Cartman: This is all your fault, Kyle! You screwed up the second act! Kyle: Me?! It was your stupid-ass writing! Jimmy: Face it: Stan's crappy singing is what sssunk us! Stan: What?? [three fights break out in the ring: Cartman vs. Kyle, Jimmy vs. Stan, and Token vs. Butters] Jimmy: You can s-, you can suck, suck my balls! Stan: Don't go pointing fingers at me, Cartman! You have no idea what you're talking about, and it wasn't... [the fighting continues. The crowd gets bored of this unscripted fight] Redneck 28: What the hell's this? Redneck 29: This is Goddamned fake! Darryl: Screw this, this is just stupid. [leaves his seat. Other spectators leave their seats as the boys continue to fight in the ring] Cartman: Oh, don't start with me, Kenny! Redneck 30: FAKE! Cartman: Kenny! I'm-

Scene Description: Denver Aquarium, day. A group of people are wading around in a dolphin pool. Among them are the Marshes. Chet: All right, everyone, welcome to the Dolphin Encounter here at the Denver Aquarium. [a woman behind him waves at everyone. Randy takes a picture of the trainers] My name is Chet and I'll be your guide and trainer as you meet these intelligent and truly magical creatures. [several dolphins swim in from another part of the pool] And here they come: this is Trigger and Dolly, uh there's Bubbles. Stan: [happily] Wow cool. Randy: Pretty neat birthday, huh Stan? Stan: Yeah, this is gonna be awesome. Chet: If they come near you you can touch their back just no grabbing please. What whimsical creatures aren't they? All the dolphins you will be encountering today are Atlantic bottlenose dolphins. Now who would like to get a kiss from one? Girl: I would like to- Randy: [barging in] MEMEME. I wanna kiss it! I wanna kiss it! Chet: Uh all right, let's just uh, get you to put your hands, palms down, on the water. [a dolphin swims by] The- [a rumble is heard, and then gets louder] Stan: What the hell is that? [the trainer turns around. A group of Japanese men in kimonos run towards the pool with harpoons in hand.] Trainer 2: Oh no it's the Japanese! [The group jumps in and proceeds to stab every dolphin in there repeatedly until the dolphins bleed to death, then jumps out of the pool and runs back towards the way it came from.] Japanese Man 1: (In Japanese Accent) Fuck youuu dofiiin! Japanese Man 2: (In Japanese Accent) Fuck you dofiiin! [they leave behind a pool of dead dolphins and bewildered guests. The girl begins to cry.] Scene Description: Another location. The guide here is in front of a huge tank with a thick glass wall through which sea life can be seen. Guide: These are our favorite animals here at the Atlanta Zoo. It's Dolly and Seymour. They are beluga whales. These whales live mostly in the Arctic region- [the Japanese men strike again, making everyone else run out of the area, breaking the wall with their harpoons.] Japanese Man 3: (In Japanese Accent) Fuck you, whaaales! Scene Description: The Baltimore Aquarium. Some dolphins are performing tricks when the Japanese men strike a third time. Trainer 3: All right Jessica, now put your arms out like this. [little Jessica lifts her arms out and open] Great job, Jessica! Japanese Man 4: Fuck you, whaaale! [jumps onto the platform and harpoons the whale, then runs off without taking the harpoon] Jessica: AAAAAAAA! Scene Description: Stan's house, night, Stan's bedroom. He's moping on his bed. Randy peeks in to see how Stan is doing, then walks in and goes to Stan's bed. Randy: [sigh] Hey pal. [sits by him] Sorry your birthday got a little ruined by the Japanese. Stan: Dad, why did they do that? Randy: Well Stan, the Japanese just... don't really like dolphins very much. Certainly not as much as us normal people do. But hey, at least you still got your T-shirt! [Stan moves his arms out of the way and looks at the shirt - a white "I swam with the dolphins" T-shirt with blood splattered on it.] And you always have your neat picture. [hands Stan the framed picture on the nightstand, which Stan opens and looks at. It's of Stan and a dead dolphin, with the caption "My New Friend!" underneath] Scene Description: The Miami Dolphins home field, Land Shark Stadium, day. Commentator 1: Dan Dierdorf here, welcoming you to this great football matchup between the Kansas City Chiefs and the Miami Dolphins. We're all set for kickoff and- [the Japanese men strike again] Commentator 2: Oh Dan it looks like Japanese people are now rushing onto the field. [the Japanese men stab and kill all the Dolphin players] This is not the kind of thing you want happening during kickoff. [the Japanese men run off] Japanese Man 5: (In Japanese Accent) Fuck you, dofiiin! Scene Description: Channel 9 News. News Anchor: Several whales and dolphins were again slaughtered by the Japanese today, this time at the Six Flags Discovery Kingdom near San Francisco. [a shot of the Japanese killing the dolphins there] Aquariums had been experimenting with methods to keep the Japanese out, but so far nothing seems to stop them. When asked if all of Japan supported the slaughtering of whales and dolphins, the current Prime Minister of Japan, Yukio Hatoyama, had this to say: Hatoyama: [clears his throat] (In Japanese Accent) Fuck you weiru [gives the finger with his right hand], anda fuck you dohfiiin! [gives the finger with his left hand] Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. Cartman is singing Lady Gaga's "Poker Face". He's at the chorus while Kenny is on a Rock Band drum set. Kyle is on a Rock Band guitar. Cartman: Can't read my, can't read my, No he can't read my poker face. She's got to love nobody. Can't read my, can't read my, No he can't read my poker face. She's got to love nobody. Papapa poker face papa poker face. Mumumumuh. Papapa poker face papa poker face. Mumumumuh. Stan: [as Cartman finishes the chorus] Guys... guys... [Cartman turns off the mic] Look, I really think it's time for us to do something. This is all getting way out of hand. Cartman: What do you mean? This song is sweet. Stan: No, not the song. I'm talking about the Japanese killing whales and dolphins. Kyle: Dude, they've been doing that for a long time. Stan: So? Dude, don't you guys care? We have to do something. Kyle: What are we gonna do, Stan? It's, it's not like we can change the way an entire country thinks. I don't like it, but it's just the way they are. Stan: It seems like everyone has an attitude of "that's just the way they are" or "that's just the way it is"! Nobody likes it, but everybody's too busy to do anything about it! Cartman: I'm not too busy, Stan. Stan: You're not? Cartman: No, I just don't care. At all. Kenny: (Yeah, me neither.) Stan: Kenny? You don't care about whales and dolphins being slaughtered? Cartman: [speaking into the mic] Stan, me and Kenny don't give two shits about stupid-ass whaaales! Stan: You know, when all the whales and dolphins in the world are gone, people are gonna wish that at some point they had taken a little time to care just a little goddamn bit! [turns and walks out the front door. The boys don't move for a few seconds, then Cartman launches back into "Poker Face".] Cartman: I wanna roll with him a hard pair we will be. I don't give a crap 'bout whales so go and hug a tree. Scene Description: Stan's room, sometime later. He's at his desk, pissed off that Cartman and the others don't seem moved by the slaughter. Butters peeks in, then approaches Stan. Butters: Hey Stan! I heard you were looking for people who care about the Japanese slaughterin' whales. Stan: [lights up] Yeah. Butters, do you wanna help? Butters: Nononono, I got stuff to do. But I wanted to tell you there's these fellers on TV. They go out in the ocean an' try to stop the Japanese wherever they are. Stan: [turns to look at Butters] Really? [gets off his chair] People who are doing something? Butters: I watch their show all the time. And, they take volunteers. Stan: [determined] Then that's where I belong. Scene Description: OP for Whale Wars, a montage of scenes from that show. Singer: The world is a vampire, sent to drain. Captain Paul Watson: Yeah, we're badass. Singer: Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage. Male Crew 1: Any means necessary! We're not protesters, we're pirates! ["Whale Wars" shows up onscreen] Scene Description: Whale Wars. The Sea Shepherd is shown floating in the middle of the ocean. In the bridge the Shepherd's crew is gathered. Captain: That's definitely a Japanese boat. [looks through his binoculars] Looks like they're whaling now. [sure enough, the Japanese, on the Herro Maru No. 3, are throwing harpoons at the whales. Random cries of "Gojira" come forth] Japanese Sailor: Fuck youuu, weiruu! First Mate: Oh my God, they're gonna kill those humpbacks! Woman: We've gotta do something! Captain: Pull up next to them. The fight is on! Stan: Sweet! [the Sea Shepherd pulls up alongside the Herro Maru. The whalers gather at the railings and razz the Sea Shepherd] Captain: [taking his crew out to the deck] Are we ready to do this? Crew: Yeah! Stan: Yeah. Hell yeah! Let's do it! Captain: Are we badasses? Crew, Stan: Yeah! Captain: Are we badasses? Crew, Stan: Yeah! Captain: All right, so... what do we do? [the Japanese continue razzing them] Wait, I know. How about we go on their ship, and then beat ourselves up? And then we can tell the media they did it? Crewman: [masked] Great idea, Captain! Aussie Crewman: I'll start right now. [begins punching himself on the cheek] Woman: "Oh my God, Luke's been hurt trying to save whales." Captain: Wait, wait wait. I've got a better idea. How about I pretend to be shot? Then we can tell the media the Japanese shot me, a-and start an international c-crisis? Stan: Whoa, wait wait, we don't wanna just lie about stuff. Captain: Why not? Stan: Well, 'cause then we're just douchebags, dude. Come on, they're right here. Let, let's get hardcore! Captain: You know what? He's right. It's time to bring out the big guns! You guys ready? [the crewmen hold up sticks of something...] Ready? And... throw the stinky butter at them! [they throw the sticks at the Herro Maru and hit it, leaving blotches in various places. One explodes next to two sailors, who just look at the mess it leaves] Luke: Haha, you stink now! Haha! Stan: Wait, that's it? Captain: Yeah, we make 'em stink. Haha your boat is stinky! Here, th- here, throw one. Stan: Those guys are always covered in dolphin and whale guts. They don't care if they stink. Come on, let's break their boat. Captain: Well no, that'd be illegal. Crewman 2: Yeah. Stan: [can't believe how toothless their threats are] I thought you guys were pirates in a war! Woman: I'm a pirate in a war. Stan: Pirates don't worry about the law! You guys said you were badasses! Captain: We are. People think our methods are extreme. But we'll keep making their boats stink as long as they're killing whales and dolphins! Luke: The Japanese are scared of how hardcore we are. [a Japanese gunner prepares a large harpoon in a cannon and fires it off. It strikes the Shepherd's captain's head, goes through it, and pins him on the wall, killing him instantly. Blood comes out everywhere] Woman: Paul! [the Japanese sailors cheer this small victory] Crewman: Paul? Crewman 2: What do we do? Woman: We don't have a captain! Crewman: Oh my God, oh my God! Woman 2: [masked] Maybe he's okay. Scene Description: Stan turns and goes towards a utility box. He opens it, rifles through it and finds a flare gun. He takes it, goes to the railing, and fires a flare at the Herro Maru. It finds the fuel storage area, lights up, and soon the barrels and boxes in that area begin to burn and explode. The Japanese try to put out the fire, but it's no use. Crewman 2: Oh my God. Luke: What did you do? Stan: What you assholes acted like you were doing? [cries of "ikaban" come from the Herro Maru as it slowly sinks in the ocean and Japanese sailors jump off the ship] Scene Description: Montage as Cartman sings "Poker Face". An Entertainment Weekly cover with Captain Stan on it and the lead story "'Whale Wars' Gets Better. Things Actually Happen Now." The crewmen are now throwing Molotov cocktails at the ships, and the Japanese run for cover. Next, Stan steers the Sea Shepherd. Next, Stan is shown with a large new cannon, having just fired a grenade at a whaling ship with it. The crew dances with joy. Next, a Variety cover with the new captain and the headline, "Whale Wars Ratings Skyrocket. New Captain Not A Fat Liar Like The Old One." Next, Stan leads the crew as they act as a volunteer security force at aquariums across the country. Next, a People cover with Captain Stan and his crew, and the cover story, "WHALE WARS New Cast Member Turns Vegan Pussies Into Actual Pirates. 19-page exclusive article." Finally, Stan and crew stand before a covered statue at Sea World. The Japanese head their way to get into the park. Stan: Wait for it... wait for it... NOW! [the crew pulls at the ropes, and the covers comes off the statue - it's Godzilla.] The Japanese: Ohhhh Gojira! Gojira! [they turn and run away] Scene Description: Someone is reading a newspaper, the World News, on which is the headline "LITTLE BOY SINKS ANOTHER JAPANESE BOAT!" and a picture of Stan on the Sea Shepherd pointing at another sinking Japanese ship. Hatoyama: Nippon no gaijin! ["Stranger to Japan!" He looks at the paper again] Kuso, taberu na! ["Eat shit!" Crumples up the paper and throws it down.] Scene Description: Larry King Live. Announcer: And now, Larry King, live. Larry King: My guest tonight is the little boy who took over the Whale Wars reality show and turned it into a big hit. Please welcome Stan Marsh and his crew. Luke: 'Ey Jordan! I'm on Larry King, mate! Larry King: So Stan, what motivated you, what... inspired you to get out there and make a hit TV show? Stan: No I, I don't really care about the TV show, I'm just trying to stop the Japanese from killing dolphins and whales. Larry King: Once you became captain the methods used to stop the Japanese definitely became more aggressive. Was that the key to help boost your ratings? Stan: ...No, I don't care about the show. Woman 2: We're pirates. Stan: I just want people to know that you can stop the Japanese if you have some real goddamned balls! Woman 2: I've got balls! [Stan looks at her a bit annoyed] Larry King: Well there are many people who see what you're doing as a positive thing, and of course, many that see problems with it. Joining us now is one of those people and... [goes into split screen, with another guest speaking via satellite] You say Stan's methods are unethical. Sid: Larry, you can't just go out and take matters into your own hands like this. If you want a hit TV show you have to go through producers, directors, people that are in unions. Larry King: But Sid, you saw the show before Stan took it over; you have to admit that it was nothing but incompetent vegan pussies doing absolutely nothing and trying to turn it into drama. Sid: Yes, but it doesn't justify changing the entire show structure that their old captain had pitched to the network. Stan: Can we please just talk about the actual whaling problem for a second?! Larry King: But their old captain, Paul Watson [a real-life photo of him is shown], was an unorganized incompetent media whore who thought lying to everyone was okay as long as it served his cause. Sid: He yes, of course, everyone knows that Paul Watson was a smug, narcoleptic liar with no credibility, but we must- Stan: Screw this, I gotta get back to work! Scene Description: The rechristened Real Whale Wars. Announcer: On this episode of Real Actual Whale Wars, Captain Marsh searches for the Japanese fleet, knowing they could be absolutely anywhere. [Stan is shown on the bridge planning their next move with Crewman 2] Stan: Would you mind stepping back a little? Luke: Captain! Captain, some new volunteers showed up to help us in our crusade! [the cameraman and boom mic operator take a few steps back] Stan: No- Dude, we really can't take any more volunteers. Luke: But they say you know them. [Cartman and Kenny walk through the door] Cartman: Ahall right dude, this is pretty sweet! [his sweater has "SAVE THE WHALES" on it, while Kenny's parka now has "DOLPHIN LOVER" on it]. Stan: Oh no, no, NO. Cartman: What dude? Stan: Oh what? So now that I have a hit TV show you guys care about dolphins and whales? Cartman: We always have. Kenny: (Yeah, totally!) Stan: I asked you guys to help me and you said no! Cartman: That's not what we said. Stan: You said "Stan, me and Kenny don't give two shits about stupid-ass whales!" Cartman: We were talking about Wales the country. Stan: Look, if you admit that you're only doing this because you wanna be on TV, then I'll consider it! Admit you just wanna be on TV! Kenny: (I just want to be on TV.) Cartman: [under his breath] Kenny! [to Stan] I deserve to be on TV. Crewman 2: Captain! Captain, the Japanese have been spotted near buoy 24! Stan: Take us out of port! All hands to stations! Cartman: [popping up in front of the camera] All right! Let's go save those whales, you guys! [grins and pumps a fist] Announcer: [an aerial view of the Sea Shepherd is shown] Captain Marsh races his boat to the last known location of the Japanese whalers. If he doesn't get there in time, hundreds of dolphins or whales could die. Stan: As soon as we get there, we've gotta deploy the tracking device! We can't let those whales get hurt! [the Sea Shepherd lurches all of a sudden.] Crewman 2: What the hell was that?! Crewman 3: We just got rammed. Stan: Oh the Japanese wanna play that way, huh?! Crewman 4: It's not the Japanese. Stan: What? [goes outside with the crew] Announcer: On deck the crew is surprised at what they see. The other boat is from Deadliest Catch, a crab-fishing reality show. DC Captain: You think you're so cool, don'tcha?! You think you're big boat reality show on the block?! [goes to a cage and pulls out a crab from it] You're taking away men's livelihoods! Stan: What? Dude, we're trying to get to some whales. DC Captain: You're taking viewers away from our show, you stupid ass! Cartman: Your show is fuckin' gay, dude! DC Crewman: Your show is fuckin' gay! Stan: Screw this! Turn hard to port! [takes the wheel and starts turning left] Announcer: But everywhere his reality show's boat turns, the crab fishing reality boat blocks its path. [the crab boat, being smaller and faster, blocks the Sea Shepherd's path quickly] Stan: Dude, fuck you! DC Captain: Fuck you! Announcer: It's been three hours and the crab fishing reality show isn't budging. [Stan is in the captain's quarters, sitting behind a desk, his face buried in his arms] Captain Marsh's boat is dead in the water. He can't go after the Japanese, he can't help the whales or dolphins. Once again on Whale Wars, nothing is happening. Crewman 3: [name: Benjamin Potts] It's pretty difficult times because uh, we know that every minute we're sitting here stopped, a, another whale is dying. Cartman: [gets emotional] Really tough, you know. It's... really hard. It's like [sniff], we've dedicated all this time and all our lives to saving these majestic creatures. Kenny: (And they're all shot.) [cries] Cartman: Shhh, Kenny... [the camera zooms in on Kenny, who's got his face in his hands] Old Ken is taking it especially hard. He's always loved dolphins so much that he- [flashes an angry look at the camera] Yeah yeah but, but keep it in a two-shot, though. [The camera pulls back to its previous position] Yeah, keep it there. [Cartman resumes his tale] He's always loved dolphins so much that he would do anything. Kenny: (I would do anything!) [puts his face back in his hands and cries.] Announcer: The crab-fishing reality show is doing just fine. [the crewmen celebrate another great catch.] DC Crew: Yeah! Woohoo! Alright! [Stan is again shown in the captain's quarters, his face still buried in his arms on the desk] Announcer: But for the Whale Wars crew, it appears the show is over. Until... a sound is heard. [whale sounds. Stan lifts his head up] Stan: What was that? [moments later the crew goes on deck. Stan is with them] Benjamin: Captain, look! The Crew: Wow. Whoa. [before them are a bunch of whales. One of them rams the crab fishing reality show boat] Woman 2: The whales are taking out the crab fisherman reality show! Stan: It's like... they know. [two whales latch onto buoys at either end of a net and begin to haul away the crab fishing boat.] DC Crewmen: Hey. Heeey. Noo! Stop! [the Sea Shepherd crew begin to cheer and jump for joy] Stan: They do know. They know everything I've been trying to do for them. Cartman: Our gentle friends of the sea have saved the day. Because they know that only we can save them from the Japanese. [small plane engines are now heard. Cartman, Stan, and the others begin to look around] Japanese Pilot: Bonzaaaaaaaai! [flies his plane right into a whale and blows up] Stan: Jesus Christ! [Everyone looks around as more planes come in and take out the whales surrounding the boat. Two whales take a dive to deeper water, but two planes follow them under and blow up. The whales' corpses float up onto the water's surface.] We've gotta get something to shoot 'em with! Woman 2: Look out! [four Japanes planes crash into the boat and blow it and themselves up. Once the smoke clears, the ocean is shown, filled with debris and carcasses. The crew of the Sea Shepherd is dead... Except for Cartman, Stan, and Kenny, who swim towards a piece of wood.] Stan: [catching his breath] I, I can't, I can't believe it. Cartman: Dude, you know what? Japanese people really do not like whales. [the Japanese boats pulls up to the boys' location and stops.] Uh oh. Scene Description: Tokyo, day. The boys are in a prison cell. Cartman brings out a harmonica and starts playing it. Cartman: Well I'm in Japanese prison Lawd Japanese prison got me down Said I'm in Japanese prison Lawd Don't belong here, my eyes are round. Stan: Will you stop that? Cartman: Oh, I'm sorry. Am I making things uncomfortable for you Stan? It's your fault me and Kenny are in this mess! Stan: Things are bad enough without you being a smartass! There's whales out there being slaughtered right now and I can't do anything about it, so just keep quiet! Cartman: You don't have a TV show anymore, Captain, so you can just suck my Japanese-imprisoned balls! [goes back to his song. Stan goes to the cell door and looks out] I'm in a Japanese prison Lawd. Japanese balls got me down. [a door opens somewhere and two prison guards walk towards the boys' cell] Guard: Itte kure 'Akihito-sama irashaimasu!' ["... 'Welcome, Lord Akihito'!" The boys, not knowing Japanese, say nothing. The guards bow to the emperor] Emperor Akihito: So, you are the ones who have been-a sinking our boats! Stan: You speak English. Emperor Akihito: You have caused us many problems, set us back many months! Cartman: Sir, we actually don't give two shits about you killing whales. Can we go? Kenny: (Yeah, can we go?) Emperor Akihito: [steps closer to the door] Why have you done this? Why do you insist on-a making trouble for the Japanese?! Stan: Why do you do what you do?! Do you know that ninety eight percent of the world is against whaling?! Why can't you just stop?! Emperor Akihito: [turns his back on the boys] You think you have the right to tell us what is okay?! I have-a something to show you! Scene Description: The Hiroshima Peace Memorial, day. Emperor Akihito takes the boys on a tour of the memorial. Emperor Akihito: This is Hiroshima. Over fifty years ago this entire city was-a destroyed by nuclear bomb. We built this museum so that we never forget what-a happened. [Cartman yawns, Stan punches him on the right shoulder] Cartman: What dude? Scene Description: Inside the Memorial. Emperor Akihito: At-a 8:15 a.m. the people of Hiroshima were just minding their own business when out of nowhere a frash devastated them all. [an atomic bomb is detonated] Women and children who died in the frash simply evaporated. [footage of bomb victims appears] Those reft arrive suffered the worst pain of all. Burns, radiation poisoning. For generations the radiation affected the victims. Japanese babies born without rimbs. Without eyes! [Cartman snickers. The emperor turns, folds his arms over his chest, and glares at him] Cartman: Sorry. [clears his throat.] A little gassy. 'Scuse me. Emperor Akihito: One hundred and forty thousand Japanese were killed by atom bomb. We have never recovered from the memory of that day. It is impossible for a nation to ever forgive an act so horrible. This-a picture shows the prane that dropped the bomb. [shows it to the boys] It was called the Enora Gay. And it was frown by the monsters who dropped the bomb that day. Dohfin, and Weiru! [the pilots are shown to be a dolphin and a whale. The emperor shakes with anger] Stan: Ummm, where did you get that picture? Emperor Akihito: The Americans were nice enough to give it to us the day after the bombing. We were so-a thankful for the picture that the next day we ended our war with America. We will never forgive, never rest until they are all wiped out! Fuck you. Fuck you dohfin and-a weiru! Cartman: So that's what this has all been about? Stan: Dude, it wasn't actually and dolphin and a whale who bombed Hiroshima. It was the- Cartman: Zzzzt zzzzsssht! [whispers aloud] Dude, they won't rest until whoever is responsible is completely wiped out. Stan: Oh, right. Look, I... I think I can make everything okay here. Can I just use a phone? Scene Description: Kyle's bedroom. He's working at his computer when the phone rings. He picks up his cell phone and answers. Kyle: Hello? Stan? Stan: Dude, are you sitting at your computer? I need you to do something for me. Scene Description: At the Prime Minister's office, later. Stan: Mister Prime Minister, Japanese officials, there's something you need to know. The photo you were given of the Enola Gay was doctored. Because the real bombers feared retaliation so badly that they... simply pointed the finger at somebody else. My government has authorized me to give you the original photo, unaltered, so you can finally know the truth. [pulls out a manila envelope and walks to the Prime Minister's desk] Dolphins and whales were just framed by the real bombers. [hands the envelope to the Prime Minister, who opens it and pulls out the "unaltered" photo. The Prime Minister and the officials crowd in to look at the photo.] A chicken and a cow. Emperor Akihito: Chicken and-a cow? Chicken and-a cow?! Hatoyama: Chicken and cow use poor dohfin and weiru as-a scapegoat?! This is outrage! [pounds his desk] Scene Description: A cow pasture. Cows go about grazing, minding their own business, when the Japanese return to the U.S., only now they're killing cows. The Japanese: Fuck you cows! Scene Description: A chicken coop. The Japanese converge on it and kill the chickens inside. The Japanese: Teikara chickens! Randy: [watches all this with Stan] Great job, son. Now the Japanese are normal, like us.

Scene Description: A pond in a meadow. A hummingbird flits from flower to flower, then flies off as the camera zooms out to reveal the four boys there. Stan is fishing on one rock, Kenny is resting on another reading a magazine, Kyle stands near the water's edge, Cartman is sitting behind him on a third rock. Cartman: Isn't this great, you guys? Gettin' away from it all, leaving all our cares behind? Stan: Yeah, and they said the weather's gonna be nice like this all day. Kyle: This... is exactly what I needed. Kenny: (Meee toooo.) [a second later and the roar of motorcycles is heard, making the boys jump up startled. They look around] Stan: Aww! Not those guys again! [the boys leave the pond and head over to the source of the noise - a group of bikers idling at at intersection for no other reason than to revel in the sound of their own bikes' motors] Cartman: God damn it, why is it every time we try to have a relaxing day a bunch of assholes on their Harley motorcycles show up?! [the bikers just cheer each other on, but the motors drown them out] Stan: God! Shut up! Cartman: Piss off, you stupid assholes! [the bikers ride off] Scene Description: A restaurant. The Marshes and the Broflovskis are dining al fresco. Randy: Isn't this great food? Gerald: You're so right about this place. It's wonderful. Randy: You know what's really interesting is that- [the bikers roar in and stop at a crosswalk at one end of the restaurant, which is called Café Monet, and rev their motors. After a few seconds they ride away] ...what's really interesting is that this place has a new owner, and they- Scene Description: An outdoor wedding. Father Maxi presides. Father Maxi: On this gorgeous day we bring these two together for the most important ta- [the bikers roar in and slow down. The guests and the bride glare at the bikers as they roll slowly by] Lead Biker: Everybody's checking us out. Biker 2: Yeah, they think we're pretty cool. Scene Description: A diner. People go about their conversations. Among them, the bikers. Lead Biker: Hooo! We were definitely turnin' some heads out there. Biker 3: Yeah! Biker 2: I was pullin' back on that throttle, and everybody was like, "What is that?" Biker 4: Fer sure! Biker 3: Yeah. Biker 5: Hey- hey, nobody here is really paying attention to us. Lead Biker: That's weird. [clears his throat and starts imitating a motorcycle engine. The other bikers follow suit, and a few of the patrons look at them] Oh yeah, that's better. Scene Description: The diner's men's room. A biker approaches a urinal, unzips, and gets to work. He looks left, then he looks right, then he clears his throat and revs up with his voice until the patron at right looks at him. He turns to his left and does the same to the patron at left. That patron looks at him. Once he's sure both men are looking at him, he faces forward and finishes urinating. Scene Description: The diner, outside. Its name is Ronny's Diner. The bikers stream out of there and get on their bikes. Lead Biker: All right let's head out. [the others agree and begin to rev their voices as they board their bikes.] Cartman: [walking into view] Excuse me. Excuse me! Hey assholes! [the bikers quiet down, turn off their motors, and look at him] You guys know that everyone thinks you're total fags, right? Lead Biker: ...What did you say? Cartman: You know, when people like you drive down the street with your unnecessarily loud motorcycles thinking you're all cool. Everyone is actually laughing at you and calling you pathetic faggots. You do realize this, right? Biker 6: ...Hey man, we roll how we roll, and if people are annoyed or intimidated by it, that's too bad for them! Biker 2: Yeah! [the bikers rev their voices again] Cartman: No no, no, nobody is intimidated, actually. Everyone realizes that people who are so needy for attention they need to dress up and be as loud as possible are you guys and sixteen-year-old girls! Just wanted to let you know, you're fuckin' fags. [proceeds to walk past the line of bikes] Biker 7: Thah- that little boy just called us fags. Biker 2: Like he didn't think we were cool. Biker 6: But he's wrong. People don't think we're fags, do they? Lead Biker: 'Course he's wrong! And anyway, nobody except that little freak would ever say something like it to our faces! Other Bikers: Yeah! Let's ride! [they rev up their voices and their motors] Let's go! Rev 'em up! [they ride off] Scene Description: Kyle's house, Ike's room, day. Ike is playing with a toy xylophone when the bikers go down his street. He puts the xylophone sticks to his ears to block out the noise, but that doesn't work. He goes to his window, lifts it up and yells. Ike: Fags! [then closes his window] Biker 2: Did that kid just call us-? Lead Biker: Ju-just ignore him! [as they ride, a car pulls up in front of them. Two kids in the back seat turn and make gestures to them. One of the boys makes a sign, then turns it around. Both kids hold it up. It says "FAGS." One of them mouths the word and the boys laugh.] God damn it, this is fucked up! Biker 8: What's wrong with kids today? [revs his voice a little] Scene Description: The desert. The lead biker is pretty bummed at the treatment the bikers have been getting. Biker 4: It doesn't make any sense. They all called us fags. Biker 6: How can they call us fags? I mean, listen to this? [revs his motor up] Lead Biker: I know, I know! Look, guys, I think I know what the problem is here. Biker 3: Really? You do? Biker 9: Whatwhat? Lead Biker: Yeah, think about it, guys. You see all the things kids have today? I mean, with their Xboxes and surround-sound entertainment systems, kids today are surrounded by big loud stuff all the time! Biker 10: Hey, that's right. Lead Biker: That's all it is, guys. We just need to get a little louder, that's all. [revs up his voice and his bike, and the others follow suit.] Scene Description: The neighborhood park. The boys are playing basketball. Kyle: Broflovski looks for Kenny to get clear for the pass. Cartman: But Cartman isn't letting up on him. [the bikers roll by and the boys stop playing] Kyle: Oh, what the hell?! [the bikers roll by with a variety of musical instruments, a siren, and a rooster attached to their bikes, all of them making noise.] Biker 6: Chicken spears! Chicken spears! Chicken spears! ...Chicken spears! Chicken spears! Stan: God damn it God damn it! Lead Biker: Oh yeah, now we're turnin' some heads! [blows into one of the two horns on his handlebars] Biker 2: Let's see 'em call us fags now! Scene Description: Stan's house, later. The boys present in the living room are the four boys, Token, Jimmy, Clyde, and Butters. Stan: All right, thanks for coming, everyone. As you all know, the Harley problem seems to be getting worse, and nobody is willing to do anything about it. Kyle: Yes. Cartman: Agreed. Jimmy: I have had it with those loud, annoying, f-f-f f-faggots. Stan: Now, we have some ideas, and we'd love to hear your ideas, and I think together we can- [the bikers roll by on Stan's street, then Stan sighs when they're gone] ...and I think that together we can come up with a way to get rid of these fags once and for all. Kyle: Sounds good. Jimmy: Okay good, yeah. Cartman: Ni-nice, okay. Butters: What are you guys talkin' about? Harleys are neato! Cartman: What? Butters: I always thought, someday when I grow up I'm gonna get a Harley. Then people will have to notice me, and they'll have to deal with my shit for once. The open road! The wind on my face! I'll go from city to city! Rowrrowrroowwrr! Everyone lookin' at me! "Who's that guy? He must be a Hoo- he must be tough!" Vromvrom, vromvrom, vrooom! I'll have my girl on the back seat holdin' on to my fat belly - sure she's missin' a few teeth, but she thinks I'm coool. That's why, when I grow up, I'm gonna be a Harley rider! Stan: ...That makes perfect sense, Butters. Butters: It does? Stan: Yes, now get out of here. Butters: Okay. [walks out] Stan: Alright, Kyle and I are gonna spray paint messages to the Harley riders; Cartman, you said you had an idea? Cartman: I think what I'm gonna do is uh, find out wherever their bikes are and uh, crap on their seats. Stan: [taking notes] Oh that's good. Cartman: [taking notes] Yeah, I think that'll be nice. Stan: But that's a lot of seats? How are you going to pull that off? Cartman: I think I just need uh two, maybe three buckets of KFC, extra crispy, probably ...four cartons of gravy. Stan: Clyde, can you take care of getting KFC for Cartman? Kyle and I will get the spray paint cans. If we do this right, we'll be doing the town a huge favor, so let's get to it! All: Yeah! Scene Description: Ronny's diner, next morning. The bikers stream out of there and to their bikes. Lead Biker: Now that was a good breakfast. Biker 6: I'm full. [the bikers all rev their voices again and stand by their bikes...] Lead Biker: [sniffs] You guys smell that? Smells like that new famous bowl at KFC. Biker 6: Ohh, OHHH! SOMEBODY TOOK A SHIT ON MY FUCKIN' HARLEY!!! Biker 3: What? Biker 2: Awwww, me too! I got shit all over my pants now! [another biker throws up on his Harley] Biker 7: There's little flags stuck in the shit! Lead Biker: [picks the flag off his Harley and reads it] "You're fags." Biker 11: You've gotta be kidding me! Lead Biker: Come on, we'll find the bastards who did this! [the bikers wipe the crap off their bikes, rev their voices and their bikes, hop on, and ride off. They stop at an intersection and look up at a billboard. It's a Harley-Davidson billboard, and on it is spray-painted "FAGS GET OUT." They cross the intersection and continue down the road, stopping again when three buildings next to each other have the same message spray-painted on them.] Biker 12: This can't be happening. [they continue riding] Scene Description: An alley. The boys reflect on their work. Stan: Really nice work, guys. Kyle: Yeah. I think maybe everything is gonna be okay now. Scene Description: A sidewalk nearby. Big Gay Al and Mr. Slave walk down the sidewalk hand in hand. Big Gay Al: And so I said to the guy, "you really think I'm paying that much?" Mr. Slave: Heheh, oh Jesus Christ. [both men stop and gasp at what they see: the same three buildings the bikers just passed, and the message spray-painted on it] Oh my God. Big Gay Al: I thought we were past this. Scene Description: South Park Elementary School gym. The mayor and city officials as well as Principal Victoria and Counselor Mackey address the student body. Mayor McDaniels: Students, I am here because of a very serious matter. This morning it was discovered that in several places all over town, somebody had spray-painted the words, "Fags get out." Many witnesses reported seeing children with spray paint. Now, if anybody knows anything about the kids who did this, you must come forward- Cartman: That was us! Mayor McDaniels: ...'Scuse me? Stan: Yeah, we did that! Kyle, Kenny: Yeah! Mayor McDaniels: ...Why would you write something like that and be proud of it?! Kyle: W-well, 'cause we want all of those fags to get out of our town. Cartman: Yeah, everyone hates those fags, right? Other Kids: Yeah, uh huh, I do, yep. [the students begin to murmur] Mr. Mackey: Now just what the heck is going on here?! This is not what we have taught you in this school! Kyle and Stan, you've always been tolerant of gay people! Stan: Gay people? Kyle: We aren't talking about gay people. Mr. Mackey: You just admitted to spray-painting that they should get out of town! Stan: Dude, why would we want gay people to get out of town? Cartman: Oh, they think we meant gay fags. Kyle: Oh. Hey, that's not very nice, Mayor. Just because a person is gay doesn't mean he's a fag. Mayor McDaniels: What?! You four boys, in my office, NOW! Stan: Aw crap! Scene Description: South Park Public Library, day. A row of motorcycles is at the front door. Lead Biker: Faggot, often shortened to fag, has been used in the English language since the late sixteenth century. Its original meaning was "an old or unpleasant woman". Biker 2: That certainly don't apply to us. Lead Biker: Faggot later was defined as a bundle of sticks. And in the nineteenth century, a faggot gatherer was someone who made a meager living gathering firewood. Biker 6: Well they certainly ain't calling us fags 'cause we gather sticks; there's got to be more! [begins revving his voice. The other bikers begin revving theirs, and the librarian shushes them. The bikers tone down their revving.] Biker 2: What's that part say there? Lead Biker: Later, the term "fag" was defined as any awkward bundle to be carried, and was often used as an insult to the elderly, as in calling them "baggage". Biker 2: Fag was used as an insult to women, then poor people, then old people? Lead Biker: In the early 1900s the word became a pe-jo-ra-tive term against homosexuals and transgender people in the United States. Biker 10: Well that word just keeps changing its meaning. What's it got to do with us? [begins revving his voice. The other bikers begin revving theirs, and the librarian shushes them again. The bikers tone down their revving.] Scene Description: A courtroom. A panel of judges is interrogating the four boys. Judge 1: We are really trying to understand this. How is it that you boys think referring to gay people as fags in today's world is acceptable? Kyle: [exasperated] Because we're not referring to gay people! You can be gay and not be a fag. Stan: Yeah, a lot of fags aren't gay. Judge 2: I happen to be gay, boys. Do you think I'm a fag? Stan: Do you ride a big loud Harley and go up and down the streets, ruining everyone's nice time? Judge 2: No. Stan: Then you're not a fag. Judge 1: So what if a guy is gay and rides a Harley? Cartman: Then he's a gay fag. I mean, is this really this hard? Stan: I don't know. Kenny: (This is fucking ridiculous.) Stan: All right, look, you're driving in your car, okay? And you're waiting to make a left at a traffic signal. The light turns yellow, should be your turn to go, but the traffic coming at you just keeps coming. And even when the light turns red, a guy in a BMW runs the red light so you can't make your left turn. What goes through your mind? Judge 3: "Fag." Stan: Right. But you're not thinkin' "Oh, he's a homosexual," you're thinkin' "Oh, he's an inconsiderate douchebag like a Harley rider." Judge 1: This, this is, making insanely good sense to me. Judge 4: Alright, how about this: What would you call a straight man who doesn't own a Harley, but likes them and might buy one someday? Cartman: You call them "bike-curious". Judge 1: "Bike-cu-" Stan: "Bike-curious"! Don't you people keep up with today's lingo at all?! Kenny: [puts his head in his hands out of frustration] (Jesus fucking Christ!) Scene Description: The South Park Community Center, evening. Big Gay Al is holding a meeting there. Big Gay Al: Fellow homosexuals, I believe we have an opportunity here to take a big step forward for our kind. We must acknowledge that the words "fag" and "faggot" are never going to disappear. They're simply too much fun for everyone to say. But we must realize that we are no longer the most hated people on the planet, and help the children change the meaning of the word to describe those annoying loud faggot Harley riders! Mr. Slave: [clapping] Hear hear! Big Gay Al: We should all be tolerant, but not with these fucking people! They really are faggots! Mr. Slave: Yes Jesus yes! Scene Description: Channel Four News. Announcer: This is Channel 4 Evening News. News Anchor: A new movement in South Park is bringing to question the word "fag". Gay groups are pointing out that the word no longer means to kids today what it meant just a few years ago. Field Reporter: And what is your name, little boy? Martin: Martin. Field Reporter: Alright Martin, can you do me a favor? Could you point to the "fag" for me? [shows him a poster with two pictures on it - one of a biker, the other of of a man dressed in women's swimwear. The boy is unsure what to do] Just point to which one is the fag. [Martin finally steps up and points to the biker. The next clip is of the reporter asking a baby] All right now could you just point to the fag for me, little girl? Which one is a faggot? [holds up another poster with two different pictures on it - one of a biker, another of Liberace. The baby starts to lean to one side, and her mom moves her in that direction until the baby points to the biker.] News Anchor: [shown are the Mayor and her aides, and Big Gay Al and Mr. Slave] Sparked by this realization and persuaded by a gay advocate group, the Mayor signed a new city ordinance today making the word "fag" officially refer to annoying inconsiderate Harley riders. [next she's shown in front of City Hall with an aide and the four boys] Field Reporter: [interviewing the bikers] How do you fags feel about the new city ordinance? Lead Biker: What did you say? Field Reporter: Just asking you if you feel okay or displeased about the ordinance, fag. Lead Biker: Hey you know what? If you call me fag in my face one more time, you'd better- Field Reporter: I already did it twice. Lead Biker: Well I think that- I think that you uh, you probably won't say it again. Field Reporter: I bet I do. Lead Biker: Well okay, I- Field Reporter: Fag. [the lead biker throws a punch, knocking the reporter down and cutting off the video feed] News Anchor: [Randy is shown watering his lawn] As more people in South Park adapt to the new meaning... [the bikers roll down Randy's street. He turns to see them] Randy: Fags! [turns back to water his lawn. The bikers look at him and move on. Next, Father Maxi is shown holding a sign in front of his church: "GOD HATES FAGS" as the bikers pass by] News Anchor: ...more and more Harley riders are deciding to ride elsewhere. Scene Description: The neighborhood park. The boys are playing basketball again. Kenny takes a shot. Cartman: Oh yeah, nice, Kenny. [Kenny gets the ball and throws it to Stan, who dribbles it a bit and gets ready to shoot] Stan: Isn't this awesome, you guys? I haven't seen a Harley for like three days. Kyle: I know. It's like we have the outdoors back again. Mayor McDaniels: [runs up to the boys] You four turd balls in my office NOW! Stan: Aw crap! [drops the basketball] Scene Description: City Hall, the Mayor's office, day. Mayor McDaniels: You have got me in a lot of trouble! [turns on the TV] Another Mayor: The fact of the matter is that "fag" is still defined in the dictionary as a pejorative term against homosexuals, and so you are still causing harm to gay people everywhere whether you mean it differently or not! The town of South Park and its mayor have once again shown themselves to be completely out of touch with the progressive world! Mayor McDaniels: She's gaining support all over the country. I should have never listened to you! Kyle: We're sorry, Mayor. Mayor McDaniels: Oh, that's nice! You made our entire town look like gay-bashing redneck homophobes, but at least you're sorry! Stan: We can fix this! Mayor McDaniels: HOW?! Stan: That, that lady said it's because fag still means homosexual in the dictionary. So we just have to convince the dictionary people to change the definition. Cartman: Hey, hey yeah. Then people would be free to call Harley riders fags all over the country. Scene Description: The desert, day. The bikers are gathered there again revving their voices and their motorcycles. Lead Biker: Now I don't know about you, but I think this town is starting a trend. And if we let them officially change the meaning of "fag" from gay people to us, then soon every town might. [the bikers rev up their voices and bikes] If we don't do anything, we can end up trying to fight e- [one biker continues to rev up his voice and bike] If we don't do anything, we c-... Hey Bartlett. Bartlett! [stands in front of him] I'm trying to talk, you fag! [Bartlett is stunned, as are the other bikers] Aw, see? Now they got us doin' it to ourselves! We gotta put a stop to this now! [the bikers rev up their voices and bikes] We're going to ride into that town and kick some fuckin' ass! [the bikers rev up their voices and bikes] Scene Description: City Hall, day. A stage has been set up. The four boys sit on the left side of the stage and the city seal takes up the center. People are taking pictures, an orchestra plays grandstand music leading into "Pomp and Circumstance". A banner over the stage reads: Welcome Dictionary Officiates. Field Reporter: Excitement is in the air as the citizens of South Park amass to see if the word "fag" will officially be changed in the English dictionary. Four local boys will state their case to the head dictionary editor, and if they succeed, "fag" will officially refer to Harley riders nationwide. Big Gay Al: You can do it, boys! We believe in you! Field Reporter: And Tom, it looks as though the dictionary officials have arrived. [three officials walk up the red carpet, one of them holding the dictionary on its own pillow.] Entering the scene now are the keepers of the current dictionary and of course, the dictionary's head editor, Mr. Emmanuel Lewis. [shown in a gown following the three men] Cartman: Emmanuel Lewis, huh? Stan: Ohh, it all makes sense now. [the four men walk onto the right side of the stage. The crowd cheers and claps] Emmanuel Lewis: To change... [the crowd falls silent] the definition of a word... is no trifling thing. I expect this proposal for changing the definition of the word "fag" to be both discerning and undisputable. Big Gay Al: Come on boys, you can do it! [motorcycle engines are heard. A horde of bikers roars towards City Hall. Randy gets up and sounds the alarm] Randy: Look out, it's a bunch of pissed-off faggots! [everyone scatters as the bikers arrive and tear everything up. One of them throws a bottle bomb at a store, breaking a window and setting it on fire. A family nearby escapes injury. Three bikers ram their motorcycles into the stage] Stan: There's fags everywhere! Kyle: We gotta run! [the boys leave the stage quickly. A biker throws his chain towards the stage, catching Emmanuel Lewis by the right ankle and pulling him off the stage and down the street.] Emmanuel Lewis: WAAAH! What nefariousness is this?! Ogh! You obdurate beast! [as the town falls into chaos, the boys run into an alley, but find that it has a dead end. The bikers gather at the alley's entrance and the lead biker walks up to the boys. The other bikers get off their Harleys and follow] Lead Biker: [stops] Well well. Now, do you think we're fags? Stan: [backing up as far as he can] Yes. Yes, sir, you are total fags. [the other boys do as well] Kyle: Yeah. You definitely made your point. Biker 13: No! We rolled in, kicked ass, and took shit over! Is that what a fag does?! Stan: Yeah yeah, that's totally what a fag does. Lead Biker: No, you're supposed to think we're not fags now! Stan: But then why are you acting like such fags? I don't understand. Kyle: I don't either. Butters: [voice only] That's because you guys never understood! [walks through the crowd of bikers and past the lead biker] You fellers never got what these people are really about! Freedom! Rebellion against the system! A living image of independence! Solid, defiant, and supremely cool, the biker is an All-American icon of resilient individuality and freedom. Biker 14: Who is this little fag? Butters: I'm not a fag yet, sirruh but a but I am bike-c-curious. Biker 15: That's it, let's kill them all! Cartman: No! That'll just make you bigger fags! Big Gay Al: [voice only] No one is killing anyone! [a sound of guns being cocked. The bikers turn to see who's at the alley entrance - Big Gay Al and his gay support group. One group member holds a sign - "GAYS AGAINST FAGS"] We've had enough! You faggots get the hell out of our town! Lead Biker: [seeing no choice but to accept the word] All right everyone, all right. We are fags. Yeah, we're fags. We're total fags. And you know what? We like it. Biker 2: Yeah, we like being fags. Lead Biker: So go ahead, America. Whenever you pass by Harley riders like us, roll down your window, and yell "Faggots!" All you kids out there, when you see us, walk up to us, and say "Hello, fags." No, really, we want you to. At least we're cool enough to embrace who we are. Right guys? Bikers: That's right. You got it. Yeah. [more of this, followed by revving voices and motors] Biker 6: Come on, fags, let's roll out! [the bikers ride away. Emmanuel Lewis limps back onto the stage] Stan: ...And that, Mister Editor, is why they are the true definition of fags. Emmanuel Lewis: Let there be no perplexity: those individuals are the legitimate faggots. The definition shall be replaced. [everyone in town, even the homosexuals, cheer this change] Stan: We did it! Yeah! Kyle: Yeah! We did it, you guys! [he and Stan hug] Cartman: Oh it's over, it's finally over! [he and Kenny do a shoulder embrace. Stan walks up to the camera] Stan: Today, we've made history. Scene Description: Fag (făg) n. 1. An extremely annoying, inconsiderate person most commonly associated with Harley riders. 2. A person who owns or frequently rides a Harley.

Scene Description: South Park Elementary, start of the school day. The chimes play as the fourth grader class pays attention. The following is all voice-over: Gordon Stoltski: Good morning South Park Elementary. These are the morning announcements, Parent-teacher conferences begin next Thursday. If you have not yet done so, please turn in your parents' requested time sheets by the end of fifth period today. [Kindergarten class is shown, with a female teacher] Lunch today will be a choice of chicken tostadas or spaghetti with a marninara sauce and side salad. [Fourth grade class is shown again.] Attention fourth graders: the fall registration for glee club starts tomorrow. Any interested students should fill out a- [a door is heard being kicked in] Whoa, what's going on? Intruder: I'll killl you! [the class pays closer attention] I swear to God I'll kill you! Gordon Stoltski: Who are you?! Intruder: I'm the man who's gonna put a bullet between your eyes! Gordon Stoltski: Hey! He's got a gun! Intruder: You little bastard! You fucked my wife! You think I wouldn't find out?! Gordon Stoltski: Sir, please, I don't know you. Intruder: Yeah, right! Man: All right, what the hell is going on around here? You sir need to leave this area- [two gun shots are heard and the man is heard falling with a thud] Gordon Stoltski: Oh God, he shot him! Intruder: Ya had to push me, didn't ya?! NOW YOU! Gordon Stoltski: HAAAAAAAAAA! Sir, I truly don't know- [Gunshot] th-AAAAA! AAAA! Intruder: There! How's it feel, huh?! Gordon Stoltski: [shrieking] Please, I don't know you! Uughuh! Intruder: You're Gordon Saltski, right?! Truck driver from Chicago?! Gordon Stoltski: No, I'm Gordon Stoltski, third grader who reads the morning announcements! Intruder: Yeah, right! We'll see if that's true. Go on, read the morning announcements! Gordon Stoltski: SOMEBODY HELP ME! Intruder: I SAID DO IT! [smack] Gordon Stoltski: AAAAA! AAAAA! AAAAAAAAAA! AAA! Any, any interested students should fill out an applicant survey- [smack] WAA! WAAAAAAAAAA! Intruder: I knew you were lyin'! That was terrible! Now put your mouth over the barrel of this gun! Gordon Stoltski: No please! I'm so scared! [more softly] I'm so scared! Intruder: DO IT! Gordon Stoltski: [freakout] Please! I'll duh, I'll do whatever you say! Here! Here I see! Here! [his voice gets muffled] I got my mouth on the ba- [the gun goes off and Gordon falls on the floor] Intruder: Look at you now. We're all dead. [shoots himself] Scene Description: His memorial service in the school gymnasium, day. Mr. Mackey presides over it. Mr. Mackey: We will always remember the way that Gordon bravely read the announcements every morning, led us in the Pledge of Allegiance, m'kay, and touched many kids' lives here at the school. And even though we now know the shooter had him confused with a forty-year-old truck driver who happened to have a similar name, I know this has been ...pretty traumatizing, m'kay. But now we must decide who will pick up where little Gordon left off. Who will take his place reading the morning announcements? It's a big responsibility, because it will be your voice the entire school listens to, m'kay? And although Gordon Stoltski can never be replaced, m'kay, there must be a student out there who has the drive and the passion to... have his or her voice heard every morning. Cartman: Oh. My. Goodddd. Scene Description: Mr. Mackey's office, day. A sign on the door reads "Morning Announcement Tryouts" Cartman and another kid wait on chairs next to the door. Cartman: Soo, you're uuh, trying out to be the morning announcement person as well? Mike: Yeah, I think it would be really fu-fu-fu-fun, and ru-ru-ru-rurrraise my self es-es-esesesteem. Mr. Mackey: [cracks the door open and looks out] Oh, this is it, huh? Okay, uhhh Mike, why don't we have you try out first, ituh m'kay. [Mike gets off the chair and enters the office.] Cartman: [cackles] He stutters like a bitch! I've got this job in the bag! [another boy walks up and sits in the chair to Cartman's right. Cartman notices immediately: the boy is well-dressed] Who are you? Casey Miller: My name is Casey Miller, and I'm in the third grade. [Cartman is awed] Ever since I can remember people have told me I should read their morning announcements. My friends always said to me, "Dear Casey, your voice is like butter to our ears. Could you please find a way to get that audible chocolate on the airwaves?" Well, here I am, and hopefully I'll be the kid with the job. [Cartman is mad now and gives him a hard look] Mr. Mackey: M'kay, really nice, Mike, uh, maybe next time you can get past the first word. Oh, Casey Miller, good, you're trying out too? Casey: I'm tryin' out and dryin' out in the sultry summer sun that is my voice. Mr. Mackey: M'kay. Eric, you wanna go next? [Cartman gets off his chair and walks into the office, keeping his eyes on Casey until the door closes] Scene Description: Mr. Mackey's office, inside. Mr. Mackey and Cartman sit on two chairs opposite each other. Mr. Mackey: M'kay Eric, I'm just gonna have you read this piece of paper. Cartman: Mr. Mackey, what's a moronic jizzrag? Mr. Mackey: What? What on earth are you askin' me that for?! Cartman: Well it's just that... that's what that Casey kid said about your hairpiece? [Mr. Mackey opens his office door to yell at Casey] Mr. Mackey: Get lost, you little dirtball! Casey: Excuse me? Mr. Mackey: I said take a hike! Casey: I don't understand... what I did wrong. Mr. Mackey: Beat it, you're not gettin' the job! [Casey gets off his chair and walks away] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, morning. The fourth grade class is shown as the intercom comes on. Cartman: Good morning South Park Elementary. These are the morning announcements. And I, am Eric Cartman. All forms for the school book drive must be handed in to Mr. Davis in the library by the end of the school day today. Hm, doesn't seem like they gave us a lot of notice on that, uh, 'kay. Oh well. [reads the next announcement] For lunch today, the cafeteria will be serving a selection of cold sandwiches. Cold sandwiches. Oh well, thank you so much! Remember when we used to be served hot food? I mean, what has happened to our school? This school is transforming into something very bad, and why? Because we have leadership that doesn't care! I'm talking of course about our student body president, Wendy Testaburger! [Wendy's mouth drops open] Ever since Wendy was elected student body president, this school has started a rapid decline towards some socialist regime where students no longer have a voice! The music room will be closed off today due to painting. All students in band and choir will meet in the gymnasium instead. Oh oh, so now, so now the school is using money to paint the music room. How old and outdated is our playground equipment? What other school has a fifteen-year-old merry-go-round on it? Our school president is turning this whole place into Communist Russia! [Clyde has gone to sleep, half the class is getting sleepy, Stan buries his head in his arms] It's not a coincidence that once Wendy took office this school started coming apart at the seams! Your teachers don't wanna tell you, but they are scared, and they should be, because the very fabric of this elementary school is tearing from all corners. Butters: Oh jeez! Cartman: But hey, I'm just a normal kid, like you, except that I ask questions. And because I'm brave enough to ask questions, I come under scrutinies. Is Wendy using your lunch money to buy heroin? Probably not, but how can we know? I don't want my lunch money going to drugs! Who's taking these drugs? What would be the point? I'm asking questions! Kyle: Will somebody shut him up? Scene Description: The principal's office, after the announcements. Cartman walks into the office. Mr. Mackey stands to Principal Victoria's left. Cartman: You wanted to see me, Principal Victoria? Principal Victoria: The job is to read what is written on the paper, Eric, not to embellish the way you do. Cartman: Oohhhh I get it. You're trying to silence me! You're scared that somebody is standing up to this school and its president for once! Principal Victoria: No, it's just that the announcements need to be quick so the students can get on with their work. Cartman: Oh really?! Then how come Gordon Stoltski got to go on for like five minutes that one day?! Mr. Mackey: Well, because he was being murdered. Cartman: You just want somebody to read what's in front of them like a brain-washed zombie, is that it Mr. Mackey? I am not Gordon Stoltski, okay?! I'm not some dog on a leash that just blindly says what he's told, until he's killed! Principal Victoria: All we ask is you keep it shorter. Cartman: Oh I will! And maybe I'll also have a word with the ACLU, tell them that a student is being told not to speak out against his school! I'm sure they'll find that very interesting! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, morning. Cartman is back at the announcement desk. He's smiling, and clears his throat. Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, and two school district officials look on. Cartman: Well. Goood morning South Park Elementary. These are the morning announcements. Tryouts for the soccer team are on Friday afternoon. That is of course if our student body president does something about our abysmal soccer field. [The first or second grade class is shown] I have a question. What does Wendy Testaburger actually do? She is supposed to be the president, right? What is her agenda? She's lying to everyone? Or is she? Let's ask these questions. [next day] Today I wanna talk briefly about the state of our school's economy. The bake sale last week was a complete failure. And in the school- [next day] And besides that, who actually voted for Wendy Testaburger? I know I didn't. And everyone who did is now scratching their heads and goin' "Whoops. Guess I shouldn't have done that." [next day] I'm not in the student council, I'm just a normal kid like all of you. And like all of you, I want to know what has happened... to my school. Scene Description: Cartman leads the school in reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. Third Graders: I pledge allegiance to the fag - Cartman: - of the United States of America. OUR United States, not the one Wendy Testaburger would have, a socialist dunghole - Kindergartners: - a socialist dunghole... Scene Description: South Park Elementary, morning. Cartman is back at the announcement desk. Cartman: Good morning students. These are the morning announcements. If you'll direct your attention to the new video monitors at the head of your class, [The lights go down and a monitor is shown above Mr. Garrison's desk] you will see that the announcements are now being done in video. Kyle: Oh God, no! [Cartman has made his own graphic introduction full of poses] Cartman: Lunch today is going to be pizza. Again. [exhales forcefully] Friends, our school is dying and you know it. You feel it. You're like, you're like me; you wanna change it. But ohhh no, Wendy Testaburger's not gonna let that happen! This is not the school we grew up in, and ...and I don't know if we can get it back. [leaves his desk and walks over to a mobile blackboard] So let's take a look at exactly what our school president wants. You know, what is she trying to achieve? Let's just take a look at these Keywords here: Wendy's made it clear she wants our school to be a more Integrated Leftist and Liberal place! But you see what then happens, what we get is a Socialist, Modern, Utopian, Reformed, Farce of a School. So when you look closely it becomes very obvious what Wendy wants. K I L L S M U R F S. Our school president ...wants to kill Smurfs. Ike: [upset to the fact] NOOO! Cartman: I don't know if we're turning into a Smurf-hating school or what we're turning into, but unless you ask why [writes Y on the board], we're gonna transform into something. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, school hallway, day. Wendy is at her locker when Butters approaches with a group of friends. We'll call them Melvins, after the group he formed with Dougie and Pip back in Season 3. Butters: Hey Wendy! Wendy! Is it true? Wendy: Is what true? Butters: That you hate Smurfs? Wendy: I don't have time for this. Butters: Hey now! Me and us fellers were just asking questions! Melvins: Yeah, that's right. We can ask. [Casey is among them] Wendy: Try to understand this: all I do is try to help run student council. I don't give a crap about Smurfs! Butters: [gasps and points] It is true! Melvin 1: Oh my God! Melvin 2: Yeah, bemememe! Melvin 3: Oh my God! Wendy: Maybe you guys should check into what student council actually does, before you just blindly listen to what some idiot with a microphone tells you! [storms off] Butters: What did the Smurfs ever do to you! Ya bitch! I just called the president a bitch. Casey: Hyeah. Melvin 1: That was cool. Melvin 4: Awesome. Melvin 2: Yeah, that was cool. Melvin 3: Yeah, great job. Scene Description: The cafeteria entrance, day. To one side is a huge poster on the wall and a smaller sign near a desk at which sits Cartman signing copies of his new book, "What Happened To My School?" Cartman: "Thank you" and this is to..? Douglas: Douglas. Cartman: [signs a copy] "To Douglas." There you go. [gives it to him] Book signing today everyone, be sure to pick up your copy. Butters: Hey Eric! Cartman: Well hello. Another person who [looks to his right and tries to get the other kids' attention as they stream into the cafeteria] cares about the future of our school. Butters: Oh you bet! I love all the stuff you said about how our school president never does anything, and how she's changing everything. Cartman: Yes, well now you can read about all those things I've said, Butters. Take this copy of my book. Butters: Cool, thanks. Cartman: That'll be five dollars. Butters: [a bit disappointed] Oh, okay. [hands him a five-dollar bill] Stan: What the hell do you think you're doing?! Cartman: A book signing. Stan: I looked through your stupid book! It's five hundred and forty pages of ripping on Wendy and calling her a slut! Cartman: I do not directly say she's a slut! Stan: "Wendy Testaburger has proven time and time again that she will do anything to pleasure her vagina. Whether it is the school football team or the janitors on their break, Wendy spends her time as president on her knees or on her back taking the old in-out for hours on end". Cartman: [leans over the table and points somethoug out to him] You didn't read the rest, dude. Stan: "Or does she?" Cartman: "Or does she?" See, that's a question. I'm asking questions, Stan! I've called for Wendy to come on my show and defend herself, but she won't do it! Butters: [showing up with his Melvins] Yeah, and she hates Smurfs! Scene Description: Some younger boys are reading the book. Boy 1: "Shouldn't we be worried if our school president is a girl who would rather get her tits licked than go to student council meetings?" [the other boys react to that passage] Stan: Hey hey, stop reading that! Boy 1: Wull what do you mean? Stan: Listen, just because a guy's voice is on the intercom and his words are in a book, doesn't mean he has any idea what he's talking about! Boy 2: Yes it does! Casey: Eric Cartman is simply making it so that all kids take responsibility to question their school leaders. We should all ask if our president is a penis-hungry hooker with a huge vagina. I'm Casey Miller. [Stan turns and walks away. He sees Wendy at her locker and approaches her.] Stan: Wendy, did you see the stuff Cartman is saying about you now? Wendy: I really don't care, Stan. Stan: Well don't you think you should go on his show and defend yourself?! Everyone is starting to think you're a crappy president. Wendy: I'm not giving Eric Fartman one minute of my time, you got that?! I'm not acknowledging his stupid questions. If you want him dealt with, you'll have to do it yourself! [takes up her backpack and storms off] Scene Description: The principal's office, after the announcements. Cartman walks into the office. Mr. Mackey stands to Principal Victoria's left. Cartman: You wanted to see me again, Principal Victoria? Principal Victoria: Eric, we've been informed by a concerned student that you are writing naughty books about one of the girls here at the school. Cartman: Oh, Wendy came and told on me?! So what? Because she's president she can't be written about? Mr. Mackey: Eric, apparently you wrote that Wendy's private parts are big enough to fly an airplane through, m'kay? Cartman: And what if they are?! You'll stop me from asking just because Wendy forces you to?! Mr. Mackey: Eric, the student body president really doesn't have the kind of power that you- Cartman: Just enough power to force you to stop me from selling my book! Face it, you're a lackey, Mackey! Principal Victoria: [stands up] Eric, I've had enough! You cannot and you will not sell your books on school grounds! Do I make myself clear?! Cartman: Clear as summer rain! Clear as a flavorless bottle of vitamin water! This school has finally transformed to the socialist whoreland where a student isn't free! Well I'm not gonna be a part of it, do you understand?! I'm leaving this... hypocritical Communist school! I'm walking out and I'm never coming back! [turns and storms out of the office.] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, next morning. The students are entering the school. Later... Announcer: [an adult male] Live, from the principal's office, these are the morning announcements. Here, is Eric Cartman. Cartman: Yesterday, as most of you know, I walked out on this program, and on our school. I was so... fed up with our president's hypocrisies, me not being allowed to sell my book. I wanted to live in a place where my values were still upheld. And so I decided to leave it all behind and instead just go and live with the Smurfs. [an animated sequence begins. Smurf Village is shown] I simply observed the gentle Smurfs at first. I wanted to understand how they could live such simple and decent lives. They were wary of me in the beginning, but slowly I began to earn their trust. [one day he steps up, and they gather round him] It wasn't long before the gentle Smurfs accepted me as one of their own. [they bring him a cap big enough to fit his head, he puts it on and grins. The camera pans up and the title of his animation appears: Dances with Smurfs] Butters: Whoa... [this time Kyle is the one who has his head in his arms] Cartman: The smurfs and I grew to understand each other. [Cartman is now dressed as a Smurf, but only his face is painted blue. He's harvesting berries with the Smurfs] They shared with me their art of picking Smurfberries, and I shared with them stories of my country's forefathers. Of course, it wasn't long before ...I fell in love with Smurfette. [He and the diminutive Smurfette sit on a log watching the sun set] We're from two different worlds and yet we spoke the common language of passion. Kyle: "These, are the morning announcements." [Butters shushes him and he buries his face in his arms again.] Cartman: Papa Smurf was displeased at first, [Cartman tries to catch up to Smurfette as her father takes her into their mushroom house] He told Smurfette I wasn't a real Smurf and we could never be happy. But I eventually proved myself to Papa Smurf by picking more Smurfberries than any Smurf had ever Smurfed before. Finally, all was right with the world. But then, a crisis. Clumsy Smurf burst into the Smurf ceremony to say that humans had come to destroy all of Smurfland. Cartman Smurf: No! No, you must leave the noble Smurfs alone! Who's behind all this?! [gasps at the sight of lots of bulldozers ready to raze Smurfland, and at their forewoman] I should have known. Wendy! Human Wendy: [just Cartman dressed as Wendy] Out of my way! [this Wendy has padding to make her appear to have breasts] Cartman Smurf: Wendy, what are you doing here?! Human Wendy: Smurfberries are worth a lot of money. With all those Smurfberries I can power the school for the entire year. Cartman Smurf: Wendy, I know you're president of our school, but you can't just dig up the Smurfs' land! Human Wendy: Fuck the Smurfs! They can suck my fat tits! [she climbs onto one of the bulldozers, Cartman stands in front of it] Cartman Smurf: How many Smurfberries is enough, Wendy?! Human Wendy: You can suck my fat tits too! [steps on the gas and the bulldozer begins to move. She rolls over the land, mowing down trees, mushroom houses, and smurfs, killing them by the tens. Blood and guts splatter everywhere] Cartman Smurf: Smurfette noooo! Human Wendy: Suck mah fat tits! Cartman: And so now our school has plenty of precious unattainable Smurfberries. Yeah well big deal. At what cost did our school president get it? Every Smurf is dead. Wiped out and we will never see them again! Go on, look outside! You won't see any Smurfs! [Butters sobs] Of course, since I'm being silenced, I'm not allowed time to show you the entire movie. And so please buy Dances with Smurfs available now on DVD. [holds up the DVD case] The question now is, What happened to morals? What happened to dignity? What happened to my schooool? Scene Description: South Park Elementary hallway, later. Butters is pacing the ground before a group of Melvins. Butters: That does it! Our student council is corrupt and has to be dealt with! A Melvin: I can no longer stand idly by. Butters: We need to get all the kids together who wanna fight back and tell them to meet after school! We will forever remember this day, the day we finally stood up to Wendy Testaburger! Casey: It is time for that slutty Smurf-killing bitch to get what's comin' to 'er. Melvins: Yeah! Scene Description: Butters' house, after school. He's at the back patio talking to the Melvins over a megaphone. All of them are wearing shirts Cartman had made: "I ask questions!" with a picture of Cartman's head underneath. Butters: I don't know about all of you, but I have had enough! We've been sitting back and watching as our school slowly goes into the toilet! But today, we do something about it! [the Melvins cheer] So let's march right over there to Wendy's house and do what we know needs to be done! [the Melvins cheer again, and follow him out the side gate and on to Wendy's house] Scene Description: Butters stops his posse outside Wendy's house, on the sidewalk. Butters: Let us not forget what happens this day! A Melvin: Do it! Butters: We are here, Wendy Testaburger! [walks up to her front door, drops his pants and briefs, and pees on the front door.] Melvin 2: Take that, school president! Melvin 3: Get her good! Butters: I am. Wendy: [opens her window] Hey, what are you doing? Butters: The students want answerrrrs! Go on the Morning Announcements if you've got nothing to hide! Mr. Testaburger: [opens the front door and looks down] What the hell? [Butters stops peeing and looks up] Butters: Wah! [turns and waddles down the steps without pulling his pants up, then across the front yard] Smurfkiller! [runs down the street with the other Melvins] Answer for your crimes on the Morning Announcements! Mr. Testaburger: Wendy, did a boy just pee on our door because the Smurfs were murdered? [Wendy plants her hands on her face, then removes them] Wendy: It's okay Dad, I'll take care of it. Scene Description: The Principal's office, next morning. Wendy and Cartman are on Cartman's set as his make-up people prepare him for the Announcements. One of them is Esther. They frost the lower part of his hair to give him a distinguished elderly look. Cartman: Thank you so much for finally coming on my show, Wendy. Wendy: Yeah, well, Butters peed on my house. Cartman: People are riled up. Hopefully we can clear the air here this morning. Wendy: If we could just keep it to questions about Student Council? Cartman: Of course. That's why we're here. A Boy: Five seconds. [the make-up people move out as Cartman stands up] Cartman: Don't worry, I won't go too hard on you. [sits down and gets his notes ready as the chimes come in] Good morning South Park Elementary, these are the morning announcements. Rehearsals for the school play are cancelled this afternoon. For lunch the cafeteria will be serving meat loaf or veggie pasta. My guest today is the student body president of South Park Elementary, Wendy Testaburger. Wendy, thank you for coming on the show. Wendy: Sure. Cartman: Wendy, I wanna start by asking a pretty straightforward question, and I hope you don't take offense to it. Wendy: Okay. Cartman: How many Smurfberries is the life of each Smurf worth? [Wendy doesn't answer, and Cartman studies her reaction] Wendy: I don't, I, I have no idea what- Cartman: You don't know how many Smurfberries the life of each Smurf is worth. Scene Description: The Audio Video Department room. Butters and the Melvins are watching the announcements there. Butters: Ohhh, he's got her now! Scene Description: The Fourth Grade classroom. Kyle again has his face in his arms. Cartman: Would you agree that the school is in a crisis right now? Wendy: I believe there is a ...few things wrong with the school, but- Cartman: If a Smurf dies and no one is around to hear it, does it still scream? [Wendy doesn't answer] Scene Description: The Audio Video Department room. Butters: She's speechless! Cartman: You are the president of the school. Can you see why many students think you're an ineffective slut? Are you denying that the Smurf holocaust ever happened? Is that what you're suggesting? Wendy: Look, Eric, you have to understand. The Smurfberries were our school government's only option. Cartman: Yes, and that makes- whoa whoa what? Wendy: What was I supposed to do? The school was running out of power. We tried relocating the Smurfs at first, but they wouldn't budge! So we decided to get somebody on the inside. A member of the school who could act like one of the Smurfs and learn their secrets. But of course you know that, don't you? Cartman: What? What do you mean I know that? Wendy: I'm just asking a question. We all knew you were sent in to live with the Smurfs, but did you know they would be wiped out? Cartman: No! You wiped them all out! Wendy: [gets off her chair and walks around a bit] Nobody expected you to fall in love with Smurfette. You went to learn from them, but instead you became one of them, right? Fought against your own kind when you knew we'd stop at nothing! Do you know that one Smurfberry can power the school for two months? One Smurfberry! Cartman: Wait, hold on, can we take a break? Wendy: No, it's okay! It's all out in the open now. I wouldn't have had to kill the Smurfs if they would have simply moved on. But you gave them the will to stay, and I guess... you can't be blamed for that. Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's classroom. Stan: What?! Scene Description: The Principal's office. Wendy: And that is why... I'm stepping down. You were right all along, Cartman. And I am hereby making you the student body president. Scene Description: The AV Department room. Butters: All right! Cartman's president. We did it. A Melvin: I'm confused. Scene Description: The Principal's office. Cartman: Dude, you can't take my Dances with Smurfs idea and turn it into your own thing- Wendy: No, you're right. The students all deserve to know the truth. And so I have answered what really happened in my new book, Going Rogue on the Smurfs. Cartman: No! No, dude! You don't just take one person's story and then add a couple of things and call it yours! Wendy: Luckily with the money I made selling the movie rights to my book, I'll be okay. Cartman: You sold the movie rights to who?! Wendy: James Cameron. Go look. The movie came out already. Cartman: Theh- They can't do that! I'm student body president! Scene Description: The Bijou. Playing there now is Avatar, James Cameron's latest movie. Cartman comes out of the 4:30 showing really pissed off. Cartman: [crossing the street] Oh God damn it! Son of a bitch idea-stealing assholes! [turns around and rants at the theater] You sons of bitches! Dances with Smurfs was MY idea! MY IDEA! [gives the theater two middle fingers three times] You can't just take Dances with Smurfs and call it something else! [gives the theater two middle fingers three more times] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, next morning. The fourth graders take their seats. Cartman comes in and takes his seat, still angry. Cartman: Huh! Stan: Dude, what happened? You're not doing the morning announcements anymore? Cartman: No, because it turns out that by rule, the student body president can't also be the morning announcement reader! Kyle: Oh well, at least as president you can run the school the way you want. Cartman: I can't do jack! I went to my first student council meeting; all we did was talk about what colors to make the stupid Sadie Hawkins dance! Student council's retarded! [the chimes come on] Casey: The sun is up and the birds are chirping. I'm Casey Miller and these, are the morning announcements. I have a letter from second-grade student Brian Falner. Brian writes, "Dear Casey, why is our school president such a fat stupid dickhead? My desk is broken, and so far Eric Cartman has done nothing about it. Will you please let that walking bowl of anus pus know that we are not happy?" Well Brian, I couldn't agree more. Our asshole president is a fat smelly douchebag milkshake. Cartman: I'm doin' the best I can! [begins to cry, leaves his desk, and runs out of the classroom bawling.]