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Peanut Jar Mixers Development 9

Scene Description: On the road, day. Cartman is singing. Jimmy looks over the back of the second row of seats in the station wagon. Cartman: We're going to the water park, The water park, the water park! We're going to the water park, Me and all my best friends, except for Kyle who I don't like! [Kyle flashes a look of anger at him] Stan: [annoyed] Okay Cartman, you can stop singing now. [his father Randy is driving. The other boys present are Butters, Kenny, and Jimmy] Cartman: This is gonna be sooo awesome dude. I haven't been to the water park in like, over a year. Butters: What do you guys wanna do first? I hear they have a new inner tube slide. Cartman: No! Dude, we gotta go to the wave pool first. It's so dope, as long as there aren't any minorities. Jimmy: W-What are you talking about, Eric? Cartman: You know, there's always like five or six minorities wearing their T-shirts in the wave pool, pisses me off. Stan: We're here! It's the water park! [Randy pulls up at the front entrance and drops the boys off.] Scene Description: Pi Pi's Splashtown. The boys gather at the entrance. Randy: I'm gonna pick you boys up right here at 4:00, you got it? Cartman: Come on, let's go! Stan: We got it, Dad. Scene Description: The ticket booth. Cartman: [hands the clerk some money] Six adorable children, please. Scene Description: Inside. Cartman runs in and through the interactive fountains. Cartman: Wave pool! Wave pool! Waaave pooool! [finally gets to the wave pool, but gets pissed off] Oh, what the hell?! [the pool is quite crowded with people of all races enjoying themselves. The other five boys catch up to Cartman] Kyle: All right, what do you guys wanna ride first? Stan: Well Cartman said he wanted to do the wave pool first, right Cartman? Cartman: [with a stunned look on his face] Forget it! Just forget it! [walks off in anger. The other five are confused] Scene Description: Pi Pi's New York Splash. The boys tackle that attraction. Cartman isn't with them. Stan: Dude, this is awesome. Kyle: You guys wanna see how long I can hold my breath under water? Butters: [stops] Hey fellers, fellas hang on! I've gotta go to the bathroom. [Kenny continues across the pool without the other boys] Kyle: Okay, go ahead. [turns back to Stan and Jimmy] Butters: Okay, thanks. [goes to the bathroom right there, no stepping out of the pool or nothin'] Kyle: I can seriously hold my breath longer than anybody. Somebody time me, all right? Stan: Okay. Kyle: All right, [glances back at Butters] check it out, I- [looks back again and sees what happened.] Butters, BUTTERS! What the fuck?! Are you peeing in the pool?! Butters: You said "go ahead". Stan: Come on Kyle, let's check out the fireboats. Kyle: No dude, Butters' pee is in there. Stan: Aw come on, look at all this water. It doesn't matter if one person pees in it. Butters: Yeah, come on, Kyle, I'm not the only person who's peed in the pool. Lots of people do. Kyle: No they don't! Stan: Yeah, they do, Kyle. Jimmy: To be perfectly frank, I peed in the pool about tu-tu-twenty five seconds ago. Kyle: Dude! Stan: Come on, show us how long you can hold your breath. Kyle: NO! Scene Description: In another part of the park, Cartman stands alone near a gazebo as people move past him this way and that. Montage, part 1: Cartman is now in the wave pool, then he wanders around the park, then he's singing at a signpost, then he's back near the wave pool, looking at the crowd in there, then he faces the camera, then he walks back to the park entrance, then tugs at a cop's shirt only to find that the copy is a member of a minority group, then he's back at the signpost, then he's at an artificial beach looking for a place to sit, then he's in line for Pele's Revenge, then he's annoyed and lazing about in an inner tube at the Lazy River, then he's waiting to enter the Lost River of the King Tut. Cartman: What has happened to this place? I don't recognize it anymore. It used to be so fun and special. What is life worth living for? The dream is dead, our land is gone; There's a hole in my heart and I can't go oooooon. There are too many minorities (minorities) At my water park (my water park). This was our land, our dream (our dream), and they've taken it all away. They just keep coming and coming (minorities). I tried to go and tell the police, But even the authorities Are minorities At my water park. There's no place for me to sit anymore, And the lines just keep getting crazier. There are Mexicans all around me. The lazy river has never been lazier. It's a 40 minute wait to go down one slide, And the instructions are in Spanish on the Zip Line ride! Scene Description: At the Zip Line Ride. Cartman is waiting for the car he's in to start moving. Ride Operator: Guarden los brazos y piernas dentro del paseo- Cartman: Just do it in English! Scene Description: Back to the montage. Cartman walks around some more, then he's back at the wave pool looking at it, then some colored lights in the background, then he's on bended knee on a bluff overlooking the park. Cartman: There are too many minorities (too many) At my water park (somebody do something). Where did they all come from? Why can't they leave this land alone? And it's such a tragedy (feel a bit like dying). We looked the other way too long. We've got to change our priorities And get all these minorities Out of my water park (Minorities) Mexicans and Asians, (Black people), I think I even saw a Native American (gross). God I'm asking please, get all of these minorities Out of my water park (my water park). Scene Description: Pi Pi's Snack Shack, later. The other five boys are eating hamburgers. Stan: After this, you guys wanna hit the hurricane slides? Butters: You bet! Kyle: I'm not getting back in the water. Stan: Aw come on, Kyle. Kyle: Dude, I just found out that everybody pees in pools. Why would I go back? Stan: Not everybody pees in pools. Kyle: Do you pee in the pool? Stan: Not today... yet. Kyle: Aw, come on! Stan: Well dude, what are you gonna do? Just hang out here at the table all day? Kyle: Most likely. Cartman: [running up to the boys] You guys! You guys, we have got problems of Biblical proportions! Stan: Dude, where have you been? Cartman: I've been counting. Do you know there are two hundred and five Mexicans here? And there are a hundred and ninety black people! Kyle: So what? Cartman: So?! Guess how many white people are at the water park today? One hundred and forty three! There are actually more minorities here than us! Kyle: Well then they're not minorities, are they? Cartman: ...What do you mean? Kyle: Dumbass, if there's sixty percent of them to forty percent of us, then who's the minority?! Cartman: The black and brown people. Kyle: No, you're the minority! Cartman: Do I look like a minority to you, stupid?! Now look guys, I did some calculations: just last year, there were almost ninety percent normal people to minorities. That's a fifty percent rise in one, year! Stan: This is more math than I've ever seen you do. Cartman: Because it's important! A fifty percent rise each year means that in three years the world will be only... minorities. That's 2012! The Mayans predicted this! Butters: The who? Cartman: The Mayans! They knew that minorities would take over the world by the year 2012! And now it's happening! Stan: I'm gonna go on the slides. Butters: Whoopie! [Stan, Butters, Jimmy, and Kenny take their leave] Cartman: You guys! You guys have to do something to stop this! Come on! [only Kyle is left at the table, and Cartman remembers this and slowly turns to him] Well, looks like at least you've got some sense left in you, Kyle. So what are we gonna do to keep the Mayan's prediction from coming true, buddy? Kyle: Blow it out your ass, Cartman! [leaves the table without taking a bite from his hamburger. He walks by an elderly couple in a pool] Woman: Eugene, that is disgusting! Did you just pee in the pool? Eugene: Aw, come on, look how big this pool is. One person peeing in it isn't gonna hurt anything. Kyle: Eewww! [walks away quickly. Nearby, a man takes a water sample] Water Tester: Oh my God. Scene Description: The park's main office. The water tester and his assistant are at the office with Pi-Pi and a lawyer. Behind Pi-Pi is a picture window, and outside that is the Drop Zone!! attraction. Pi-Pi: Ah, gentlemen, I am da Pi-Pi. How can I help you? Assistant: Pi-Pi, we have some dire news concerning your water park. Water Tester: I've just finished some tests. The water in your park is now 98% pee. Pi-Pi: Yes, uhso whatsuh is the problem? Assistant: Pi-Pi, you know that acceptable pee levels in any water park is eighty three percent. [with some urgency] You have to shut down. Pi-Pi: What?! I can'tuh close down now, it'she my biggest-a weekend. Everyone is having a-theh fun. Water Tester: You're endangering people's lives! [shows him the test results] If those pee levels hit a hundred percent, there's no telling what'll happen! Lawyer: And what proof... do you have that the pee levels will go up? Water Tester: One in three people admit they pee in pools. Add another for people who do but don't admit it; that's two in three. You've got just over five hundred people out there; that's three hundred and thirty two people about to pee in your water! Pi-Pi: Gehntlemen, please-a. I come-a from ada Venice. [shows off a real life picture of a canal in Venice] Venice is almost all pee. And we doin' just fine. We swim-a in the pee, we sing-a in the pee. You can't barge in here and tell me thuh, that I have to close down just because my wahter park has-a too much pee. Water Tester: You have to evacuate people now! Lawyer: He said he's not doing it! And as his lawyer I advise you gentlemen to leave and take your wild pee theories with you! Water Tester: [now at the door with his assistant about to leave] If one more person urinates in your pool, it could set off a chain reaction. Then the pee will be on your hands. [they leave] Scene Description: The wave pool, later. The water is now green. Butters: Oh b-hoy, the waves are startin' up again! Stan: This is sweet, huh Kenny? [Kenny, who's facing away from the camera, doesn't say anything. A girl in an inner tube floats past the boys, then stops and lets loose some pee. Sure enough, the ground begins to rumble and shake.] Jimmy: W-What's that? [Explosions of pee come out of every ride, overrunning them all. A huge pee wave rises over the park and swamps it, destroying every structure. An unlucky slider is swept down in a rush of pee. A woman loses her baby as the wave strikes her back. The pee tsunami sweeps across the Mt. Everest attraction. A statue of a man scaling the mountain falls off] Woman Who Loses Baby: (shrieks) Man 1: It's pee! [turns to run from it] Man 2: Look out for the pee! [Kyle, who's playing a Zombie Fighter video game, looks back to see what's all the commotion. The pee-nami hits the New York Splash attraction, mowing down its structures] Kyle: Aaaaah! GROSS! [leaves the game and makes a run for it. A volcano blows up and chunks of lava drop all over the place. The wave pool gets unstable, threatening to throw people out with its wild waves] Pi-Pi: [holding on to the sign post] Aaaaa, it's-a the peeee! [the sign post breaks off and both man and post are swept away by the pee. Stan, Butters, and Jimmy climb up the Mr. Everest sign] Floating Woman: [swept away] Aaaah! Stan: [in a shaky voice] Aaaah! [stops and looks at the pee, and sees a familiar boy floating in the water, face down] OH MY GOD, THEY KILLED KENNY! Kyle: [running up some stairs in Drop Zone!!] Aw, sick! [the pee below him is rising] Scene Description: Pi Pi's Splashtown parking lot, some time later. Firefighters have arrived on scene of the destroyed water park. Fire Marshal: I want that entire water park contained and quarantined until I get some answers. [Randy quickly arrives in his station wagon and runs up to the captain] Randy: What's going on? Fire Marshal: I told you people to keep civilians back! Randy: Sir, please, my son is in there! What's happened? Fire Marshal: We don't know yet, all right?! There's been a pee breach and a lot of people are dead. Now I'm sorry, but you're gonna have to- Officer 1: Captain, these two men claim to know the situation. [the water tester and his assistant walk into view] Water Tester: We warned the owner of the park, but he refused to shut down. This was inevitable. Fire Marshal: So this is all pee-related? Water Tester: Yes, I... tested the pH levels this morning. Fire Marshal: And? Water Tester: It was almost all pee, no H. Randy: Oh my God. I've gotta help him! [starts to run to the gate, but the captain catches him and pulls him back.] Fire Marshal: Stay BACK! Randy: You can't just leave my son in there with all that pee! Officer 2: Sir, it's possible with a crane we could help any survivors out. Water Tester: I think that would be a very bad idea. Fire Marshal: And why is that? Water Tester: Anyone inside there is contaminated. We have reason to believe that when people are exposed to that much pee, they... change. Fireman 1: Change how? Water Tester: All right uh brubring in, bring in the monkey. [a researcher wheels in a monkey who's been shackled to a dolly] We've only tested the theory on monkeys so far. This monkey is healthy and normal in every way, but now, watch. [unzips his pants and turns to face the monkey, then starts peeing on it. He first pees on the chest, no reaction. He moves the stream up to the monkey's face and the monkey begins to protest. The monkey tries to escape the pee stream, but the tester just keeps the stream on it as best he can.] Fire Marshal: My God! He's become full of rage! Scene Description: Back in the pee-filled water park, Jimmy, Butters, and Stan stand on the Mt. Everest attraction. Kyle is on what remains of the Drop Zone!! sign, but it moves a little, sinking a bit. Kyle: Aahhh... Stan: [on a small plateau on the attraction] Kyle, quick! You've gotta swim over to us! Kyle: No way! Jimmy: You've gotta swim over here, Kyle. Butters: Come on, Kyle! Kyle: Dude, that's all pee! Stan: Well if you don't swim in it you're gonna die! Kyle: I'll die if I do swim in it! Stan: Kyle, it's just pee! It's not that big a deal! Kyle: Yes it is a big deal! Why do you think everyone washes their hands after they go to the bathroom?! Stan: [hesitantly] ...Well, not everyone washes their hands after they go to the bathroom. Kyle: ..WHAT? Stan: Come on, dude, you've gotta swim. Kyle: You don't wash your hands after going to the bathroom! Stan: Not... all the time. Kyle: That is gross!! Stan: Why? It's not like you're peeing on your hands! There's more germs on most furniture than there is in pee! Butters: Yeah, if anything you should wash your hands before you touch your weiner! [the sign drops further into the yellow urine] Stan: Kyle, come on! Kyle: Ah, god-damnit! [climbs down the sign and into the pee. He holds his face high up as much as he can as he swims across] Haaa. Ohhhh. Ahh, ohh, uhh, agh, [He climbs up and joins his friends on the plateau. He pants, dripping with pee] Butters: Do you need to wash your hands? Scene Description: The lake of pee. Cartman hangs on to a styrofoam ice chest. Cartman: Help! Help! Man 1: Here! Hey kid, grab this stick! [a branch hangs off a Floom Zoom boat] Cartman: Yes! Yes help me! Yes, help me I'm just a little boy! You have to help me! [grabs onto the branch and is hoisted onto the boat. He catches his breath] Oh, oh, oh. [sits up and looks around - it's all minorities in the boat] Man 2: Are you okay? Cartman: Haa-aa. Yes, thank you. Man 2: Well what are we gonna do now? Woman 1: We've gotta just wait it out. Woman 2: Yeah, but for how long? Man 3: We need to find somethin' to paddle with. Cartman: [pulls out a memo pad and pen and writes the following] Day one. It has happened. The Mayans were right. The only thing they got wrong was the date. It is 2009, and I appear to be the last of my species alive. Now it's just me, all alone, with minorities. What will the minorities do with me? I'm sure that's what's on all of their minds. I have to make myself seem useful to them or they will surely not let me live. [puts the pad and pen away somewhere...] Does anyone need medical help? I am a doctor. [the other survivors just look at him] Scene Description: The Marsh house. Sharon is on the phone in the living room while Shelly looks on from the kitchen doorway. Sharon: Randy, Randy, calm down. I can't understand what you're saying. Randy: It's the pee! It's all pee, and nobody can go in or out! Sharon: What is all pee? Scene Description: Pi Pi's Splashtown parking lot. Randy: Sharon, the water park had a pee meltdown! They think a lot of people have died. Sharon: What?! What about Stan?! Is he okay?! Randy: I don't know! The whole water park has been quarantined! They're worried anyone left alive could be... sssome kind of raging, hate-filled mutants. Sharon: Randy, you've got to do something! Randy: Calm down, Sharon, all right?! [shakes his head vigorously] Calm down! They're trying to find an antidote. Once they believe they can neutralize the enraging effects of the pee, they'll, they'll go in to look for survivors. Fire Marshal: [on the phone with someone] I said keep the media out! If the public hears about this we'll have a full-scale panic on our hands! [hangs up] Damn it where is that antidote?! Researcher 1: [with red hair] Here! Here! We think we have it, sir! [three researchers walk into view] It's the best we could come up with in such a short time! We aren't sure of the ramifications, but it does appear to neutralize some particles of the urine. Fire Marshal: All right, let's test it. Bring in the monkeys! [three monkeys are wheeled in on dollies] Water Tester: Let's hope to Christ this works. [each researcher takes a monkey and injects it with the antidote. Then they start pissing on the monkeys, and the monkeys protest almost immediately] No, damn it, no! Fire Marshal: They're still angry. Researcher 1: This one's really angry. Fire Marshal: It's out of control! [quickly takes a gun from a police officer and shoots the middle monkey first, then the one on the left, then the one on the right. All of them die.] Find an antidote that works! [the researchers leave] Scene Description: Stan, Jimmy, Kyle, and Butters make their way down the Mt. Everest attraction as the pee recedes. Kyle: Dude, why the hell aren't people coming to help us? Stan: I don't know. [they hear the sobs of a crying man nearby] Pi-Pi: Why? Why didn't Pi-Pi leesten? They tried to warn-a the Pi-Pi, but-a the Pi-Pi not-a belieeve them. [sobs some more. The boys approach him] Stan: Who are you? Pi-Pi: [stands up and faces them] Oh I, I'm so sohhry. This all-eh my fault. I should've-a shut my water park-a down when it reached-a ninety percent-a pee. Kyle: Yeah, well people should [looks at Stan and Butters] know that peeing in pools is [looks at Jimmy] bad! Pi-Pi: But wait-a. Maybe you boys-a can help-a Pi-Pi. In-a the maintenance room-a there's the emergency release-a valve-a. If you open it, all this pee can be lowered. Jimmy: Okay. W-where's the maintenance room? Pi-Pi: That is-a the problem. The maintenance room is a way down on the basement-a level. I would do it but-a Pi-Pi is-a no good at-a swimming. Somebody will have to dive-a down into the pee, then stay there to turn the release-a wheel. So, who can hold their breath-a the longest? [Stan, Butters and Jimmy all look at Kyle, who looks back at them] Kyle: [spreads his arms in refusal] NO! Butters: You said you could hold your breath the longest, Kyle. Kyle: Not in pee! Pi-Pi: [grabs Kyle by the left wrist and pulls him away from his friends] Please-a you have to hurry! [lets go] I'll draw you-a the map, and instructions how to shut off-a the valve-a. It'll be as easy as-a peeing in the shower. Kyle: [looks back at the other boys] Oh who pees in the shower?! Stan: ...Well, it's not like if you suddenly have to pee, you're gonna get out of the shower. Butters: Well yeah, seeing all that running water always makes me need to pee. Kyle: You don't pee in the shower, dude. That's fucking disgusting! Pi-Pi: Boys-a please-a, we've got to get this-a boy to the drainage-a valve-a or we're all-a gonna die! Kyle: Jesus Christ! Scene Description: Adrift in the Floom Zoom on Pi Pi Lake. Cartman whips out his memo pad and starts writing again. Cartman: It has been many, many hours since the Apocalypse, and all I keep thinking is "Why me? Why am I the only one of my race God chose to survive in this minority-run world?" When the smoke has cleared I'm sure the minorities will start rebuilding, building the world... in their way. I can see it now. Nooo... [imagines himself in class with a bunch of non-white students] Teacher: [A black man] All right, Eric Cartman, let's hear your book report. Cartman: I read Treasure Island, because I was so happy when I saw that movie. Teacher: Hey! You're living in a minority-speaking country now! Say it right! Cartman: ...because I was so happy when I seen that movie. Teacher: Good. Cartman: Noooo... [now imagines himself at a job interview] Trying to find a job will be even harder. Señor Lopez: You don't expect to make the same amount of money that minorities make, do ya? Cartman: Well, I do just as much work. Señor Lopez: [laughs] You're trash around here. You'll never make as much as a minority. Cartman: Noooo... [now imagines himself at an open council meeting] Eventually the minorities will do away with me altogether. Councilman: All those in favor of putting white people in camps? Audience: Aye! Councilman: All those opposed? Cartman: Noooo... Councilman: The minorities win! [Cartman comes out of his daydream] Cartman: [throws down his pad and pen and stands up] NO! No I don't wanna live in your world, do you understand?! Your world is cold and devoid of any humanity! Just kill me! Kill me now! DO IT! [turns away and squeezes his eyes shut.] Scene Description: The Mt. Everest attraction. Pi-Pi prepares Kyle for the descent to the basement. Kyle holds a piece of white paper and an index card. Pi-Pi: Okay, there. We are almost-a ready for the diving-a. Now if you run into any da problems you just tug-a three times on the cable and the Pi-Pi will-a pull you back-a to the surface. Kyle: Let's just get this over with! Pi-Pi: You've got-a the map and-a Pi-Pi's instructions? Kyle: Yes. Pi-Pi: Good-a. Now just one last thing. [takes a glass jar sitting next to him and scoops some pee into it] You need to drink-a some pee. Kyle: What?! Pi-Pi: You just need to drink about-a three cups of pee. Kyle: Why?! Pi-Pi: You swim-a down deep in the pee, you get-a the pressure, the bendza. You have to fill-a inside your body with some-a pee to compensate. Stan: That's true dude, didn't you see The Abyss? Kyle: [drops the papers on the ground] I am not, NOT, d-rinking pee! Pi-Pi: But only you can hold-a the breath a long time, just swim down and-a release the valve! If-eh you don't you get-a the benza, then you fail and we all-a die! Stan: Just drink the pee, Kyle. Butters: Please, Kyle, I wanna go home. Pi-Pi: What's-a the problem? When-a you pee either in the toilet or in the shower it all goes to the sewer. The sewer all goes-a to the ocean, the ocean is the water we all drink, we are always drinking-a the pee! Kyle: That doesn't make me feel better! I wouldn't even be able to keep it down. Pi-Pi: Sure you will, you drank only pee for nine months when you lived-a in your mother's belly. Kyle: No! Scene Description: Pi Pi's Splashtown parking lot, afternoon. Water Tester: Make way! Make way! I need to speak to the fire marshal! Sir! Sir, I just got off the phone with my colleagues at the university! They've also been testing antidotes on monkeys! They're claiming that they've had success using simple Musa acuminata. Researcher 2: [balding, with gray hair] Wait, you mean a banana. Water Tester: Yes. Fire Marshal: Is it possible... the antidote is something as simple as a banana? Get another monkey! [another monkey is brought forth strapped to a dolly] All right, Connors. [Officer connors offers a banana to the monkey, who takes a bite of it after a few seconds. A researcher steps up and starts peeing on the monkey. The monkey doesn't mind it, but just takes another bite of the banana.] Fireman 2: Holy God, it works! Police Captain: All right, let's start moving in, everyone! Check the- Water Tester: Hold on, ih it is a promising lead, but this antidote hasn't yet been tested on a human. Randy: I'll do it. [the officers and firefighters make way for Randy.] You can test the antidote on me. [two researchers take Randy and sit him down in the dolly, then strap him in.] Fire Marshal: [walks up to Randy] You sure you want to do this? Randy: Give me the banana. [the balding researcher walks to him and gives him the banana. Randy takes a bite. The fire marshal unzips his pants and starts peeing on Randy's face.] Ugh. Awgh. Aaagh! Awwwwgh! Awwgh, wagh. [tries his best to keep his cool, but shakes his head] Aww, ooogh, Aaaaaaaah. Researcher 3: He looks agitated... Randy: Aaaaaahhh. Aw, awww. Fire Marshal: He's losin' it! Stevens, your gun! [Stevens moves to hand his gun to the fire marshal] Randy: No, wait, wait! Ugh. Eugh. I... I'm okay. Water Tester: He's all right! Fireman 3: The banana worked! Scene Description: The Mt. Everest attraction. Kyle is still up top holding the glass of pee, not daring to drink it. Stan: Come on, dude! Kyle: I'm thinking about it! Jimmy: Well it's probably bu-better if you don't think about it, Kyle. Pi-Pi: There's no more time-a. You have to drink-a the pee NOW! [Kyle begins to drink it, then stops] Kyle: Gah, ah. [swallows once more] Gaagh. Pi-Pi: Come on, you have to drink aaall-a the peeeee. Butters: You can do it, Kyle! Kyle: Aaahh. Well- [gulps down the rest of the glass and throws the glass away] AAAAH! [the glass breaks on a boulder off screen] Pi-Pi: All right, now you can open the release-a valve. Okay, so let's-a- [some helicopters are heard approaching] Butters: [points to them] Hey look! [the helicopters are shown. Randy looks out from one of them] Randy: [waving a small red shoe] Stan! [steps aside so the firefighters can drop down a rope ladder] Stan: All right, they finally came for us. [he, Butters and Jimmy have wide smiles] Kyle: [pissed off] ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! [more rope ladders drop down from the other helicopters as the rescuers cheer] Scene Description: Pi Pi's Splashtown parking lot, afternoon. Paramedics check out the survivors. The camera pans right to show Randy walking with Kyle, Stan, Jimmy, and Butters. Randy: [stops] Wait here a minute, Stan, I'm gonna call your mother. [walks away] Cartman: Guys? Guys! [walks into view and hugs Stan] Oh it's true! You all did survive! Butters: Hawww, you lived? Cartman: Oh my God, you guys! I really thought I was the only non-minority on Earth! How many of our species survived? Kyle: That wasn't the Mayan apocalypse, you racist idiot. Cartman: It wasn't? So then, you mean... we do have until 2012. Well, it may be only three years, but... I intend to live those precious years to the fullest! Kyle: Will somebody just get me to a hospital? I need to get my stomach pumped! Stan: Aw come on. It was just a little pee, Kyle. Kyle: Goddamnit, don't you get it?! I hate pee! I'm grossed out by pee! The only thing I find more disgusting than pee is bananas! Water Tester: All right everyone, quick! Here you go! Butters: What's this? Fire Marshal: You all need to eat your banana immediately! Kyle: What the hell for?! Stevens: [cocks his gun and aims at Kyle] Eat the banana or we have to put you down! Kyle: [frustrated] AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!

Scene Description: Windermere Florida, Thanksgiving night, 2009, 2:15 am. There's fighting inside a mansion as a couple screams at each other Man: Put it down, you bitch! Scene Description: Mansion, inside. The camera is focused on the dining room table and slowly pulls back. A golf club strikes a dirty dish and smashes it apart Man: Put the golf club down, you crazy bitch! [it's Tiger Woods, cowering behind a chair] Woman: [smashes some more dishes] You motherfucker! I never should have married you! [Elin, with a bad Swedish accent] Tiger: You're overreacting, you stupid Swedish cow! Elin: Then why-a the fuck are you getting a text-a message from some-a low-life-a hooker on Thanksgiving?! Tiger: God, shut up! [runs out of the dining room] Shut! Up! [enters his den and starts rummaging through a drawer] Where are my fucking pills?! [finds them, takes a bunch, and swallows them] Elin: Oh yeah! Take more vitamins, Tiger! That'll help!! Tiger: Will you just listen to me?! Elin: Listen to this-a! [runs up to him and whacks him across the face as he turns to face her, leaving a bleeding gash across his right cheek] Tiger: [winces] Aaaah! [looks at her] You fucking whore! Scene Description: Outside the front door. Tiger leaves the house and goes to his SUV, wiping himself clean. Elin follows him to the front door Elin: Oh where the fuck do ya think-a you're going?! Tiger: I'm getting the fuck away from you! [opens the drivers' side door and gets in the SUV. Elin approaches that door with the club. Tiger starts the engine, and Elin starts swinging at the left rear door] Elin: Open the door, you motherfucker! [Tiger peels away] Scene Description: A videogame store. Cartman and Kenny are playing a golf game featuring Tiger and Elin. The preceding scenes were from that game Cartman: [playing as Tiger] Ooo yeah, take that from me in the car, Kenny! [Stan and Kyle walk into the store and spot the other two boys] Stan: What are you guys doing? Cartman: Dude, check it out! It's EA Sports Tiger Woods PGA Tour '11 for Xbox. [onscreen, Elin is chasing the SUV and leaving cracks in the rear windows with each swing of the club] Tiger: D'Aaaah! Fuck you, cunt! Cartman: Stop breaking through the window, Kenny! Whoa, I'm gonna crash I'm gonna crash! [Cartman loses control of the SUV, which hits a fire hydrant, then a tree. Elin catches up to the SUV as Tiger opens the door and staggers out, a bit dazed. The radiator is letting out steam] Tiger: Aw, look what you did, you crazy bitch! Elin: It serves you right, you cheating turd! [swings at him and misses] Cartman: Oh dude, was that a combo move? Kenny: (Yeah dude, I fucked you up.) Cartman: Dude, here come the cops! We've gotta lie to them. Hit X to lie. Kyle: Wow, I didn't know golf games were this cool. Cartman: Yeah dude, EA Sports outdid themselves this time. Scene Description: Center for Disease Control and Prevention - the CDC - day. A table full of experts and doctors is assembled on the top floor Chairman: I've gathered you together here because you are the best minds our country has to offer. As you've all seen on the news, our country is facing a major crisis, and we need to find out what's causing it. [the men glance at each other] Why? Why are rich successful men suddenly going out and trying to have sex with lots of women? Expert 1: [with mustache and black coat] Tiger Woods was only the most prevalent, but our data shows that the numbers are growing. David Letterman and before that, Bill Clinton. There's a pattern here, people. Expert 2: [with mustache and midnight blue coat] Why would a man who's famous and makes tons of money use that and have sex with lots of different women? [glances at the woman to his left, then looks ahead again] Chairman: [stands up] Aand these rich celebrities have perfectly good wives at home. Why would they even think of sex with others? Dammit! [pounds the table with his right fist, but manages only a soft blow] I want answers! Expert 3: [balding, with lab coat] We believe that it may be an outbreak of sex addiction, sir. Chairman: [sits down] Sex awhowho? Expert 4: [glasses and lab coat] It's a new phenomena we don't completely understand yet, but it... seems to make people... different. Of course, we all know the normal healthy male thinks only of sex occasionally and has no desire for sex with multiple partners. [the other men murmur in agreement] Expert 5: Definitely true. Chairman: Yes, we all know that, go on. Expert 4: But in the sex addict, their entire lives are consumed with thoughts of wanting more and more. The mere sight of an attractive woman could... can make them think about sex with her. Expert 6: [with fat cheeks] But what about love? How could tons of fame and money make you forget about love? [looks at the woman to his right] Chairman: What could be causing this outbreak of sexual addiction? Expert 7: [black] It could be caused by something in the water supply. Uh, perhaps even by - global warming. Expert 8: [Japanese ancestry] Or cooling. Expert 9: Yes Expert 7: If.so, then the disease could start to affect our children Chairman: That does it! [pounds the table softly] I want health screening at all our nation's schools! We need to find out if any young people might be carrying this disease. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, 4th Grade classroom. A researcher stands before the class with a clipboard Expert 9: Good afternoon, students. We are going to be a doing a health screening today. It won't take long, it'll be relatively painless, but we need to see if any students are showing... symptoms. [to his left is a cart with two beakers, a tray, and a picture resting against the legs] I'n a moment, I'm going to show you a suggestive picture. [puts the tray on the middle shelf of the cart and picks up the picture] And then I'm going to ask you a question about that picture. Alright, ready? Here we go. [turns the picture around and a naked couple appears, caressing. The class gasps] The class: Oh! Wow. Ohhh. Kenny: [cheering] (Woo hoo!) Kyle: Jesus, dude. Butters: Holy moly, what's that between the lady's legs? It's all bushy. Expert 9: Please just study the picture the best you can, students. I'll then ask you the question which you'll answer on the paper provided. Butters: [pointing] I've never seen that part of a lady! Do they all got a hedge like that? Do they?? Expert 9: Okay, very good. [sets the picture down against the cart again] Now, what color... was the handkerchief in the nice lady's hand? Write down your answer, please: what color was the handkerchief... in the nice lady's hand? Butters: [to Clyde] Did you see that bush on that lady?? What the heck was that?? Expert 9: Very good, turn your answers over please. [the students turn their sheets over] Butters: Gee whiz, it was like almost up to her belly button! Expert 9: Alright, now, who answered that the handkerchief was... yellow? [most of the kids raise their hands] Very good, very good indeed. Now I'd like to see who answered "What handkerchief?" [Kenny is the first to raise his hand. Kyle is nervous and looks around, but then raises his left hand. Butters looks over at them and then raises his left hand] A-ha! You three boys, please come with me. [heads for the door as Kyle, Kenny, and Butters leave their seats] Kyle: I didn't see a handkerchief. Did you see a handkerchief, Kenny? Kenny: (Fuck no, I wasn't looking at a handkerchief!) Scene Description: a small unused office at school. The researcher takes the boys into the office, has them sit at a table, and sits opposite them Expert 9: I'm sorry boys, but I'm afraid you three have tested positive for sex addiction. Kyle: What?! Butters: Oh no! Kenny: [annoyed] (Who fuckin' cares?) Expert 9: We're gonna have to send you home, I'm afraid. Kyle: Wait, we're sex addicts? Uh-are you sure? Expert 9: Our nice-lady-with-the-handkerchief test is extremely comprehensive and thorough. I'm sorry, but you're simply too dangerous to have around normal, well-adjusted students. Butters: It was just... so big and bushy sir. Why does it look like that? Kyle: So what happens to us now? Expert 9: [sighs and rises from his chair, walking off] A life of desperation and anguish, I'm afraid. Your addiction will start off slowly - magazines, Internet sites - but then, as you keep chasing your high your tastes will get more and more dangerous. Most likely you'll end up going the way of David Carradine and Michael Hutchence: autoerotic asphyxiation. Kenny: (Autoerotic asphyxiation? What's that?) Expert 9: I don't want to go into too much detail but... you choke yourself with a belt around your neck while masturbating dressed up like Batman or something, then you pass out from lack of air and apparently it makes your orgasm super awesome. Kenny: (Really??) Butters: Oh no. I don't wanna have to buy a Batman costume. Scene Description: CDC Headquarters, day. The chairman and his board address the public Chairman: Ladies and gentlemen, for the past several days we've been screening our nation's schools for signs of sex addiction. The results of our tests are troubling to say the least. Dr. Tonton? Dr. Tonton: [expert 9, as it turns out. He heads to a chart] In fourth graders, five percent of male students were found to be sex addicts. By sixth grade the number goes up to thirty percent. At high schools, nearly ninety-one percent of male students answered, "What handkerchief?" Chairman: We're facing a sex addiction epidemic in our country. Young people all over America are infected, and at extreme risk to themselves and to the people around them. [Kyle watches this on TV from his bed] They're leading lives of secret pain. Reporter 1: And so these infected boys will soon be secretly wishing they could be having sex all the time with lots of different people? Chairman: It appears so. Reporter 1: The poor bastards! Reporter 2: But what about us normal healthy adults? Are we at risk of exposure? Chairman: We don't believe so. In adult males, for whatever reason, sex addiction only seems to be problematic amongst rich successful celebrities. [Randy watches this on TV from bed. Sharon is beside him reading a book instead] However, we are still collecting data, and all- Randy: Why would wealth and success cause a man to go out and have sex with everyone he could? Chairman: -answers which we all desire. [next scene is the McCormick living room] Whatever is causing this outbreak, we guarantee we will find it! [Mrs. McCormick comes out with a pizza] Mrs. McCormick: Kenny, it's time for dinner! [goes upstairs to Kenny's room and looks inside] Kenny? [turns around and gasps. Kenny had hanged himself from his closet door with a belt while dressed in a Batman suit and masturbating to a magazine. His left hand is tucked inside the tights, around the genitals] AAAA! Scene Description: Kenny's funeral, day. Priest: Sunset and Evening Star, and one clear call for me, and may their be no moaning of the bar when I put out to sea. Kyle: Oh God, it's true. Priest: But such a tide as moving seems asleep, too full for sound and foam, when that which drew from out the boundless deep t- Butters: There! It was like that! It looked just like that! [stands on his chair and points to a bush, then walks over to it] Just like this, buh, but smaller, and right in the place where her underwear should've been. If I trim it down, it'll look right.. Kyle: [reaching him] Butters! Butters, stop it! Butters: [fights Kyle off] But this is what I keep seeing in my head! Kyle: [pulls him away from the bush] Butters, we are sick! Don't you get it?! We're gonna end up just like Kenny! Butters: [fights Kyle off again] No, uh, if I can just see it again, I, I'll be fine. Kyle: No! Butters, stop! [slaps him] Butters: Haah! Leave me alone! [reaches for the bush again] Kyle: Stop it! Stop! [pulls him back and flings him to the ground. They fight for a few seconds, then break down and cry out] Oh God! Oh God, help us! Scene Description: EA Sports Tiger Woods PGA Tour '11. Tiger is about to tee off. Commentator: Tiger... lines up his drive. He'll be hoping for a birdie here. Concentration is key. Elin: [runs into the scene from screen right with her own golf club] You motherfucker! I never should have married you! [starts hitting him with it] Tiger: Aaagh! Goddamnit, stop it! [blocks her club with his, as in a sword fight, and now they trade blows] Elin: How many women did you fuck-a?! How many?! Stan: Aw dude, I clocked you! Cartman: I told you this game was sweet, dude. Stan: Hang on, hang on, I'm switching to a 7-iron. [Elin gets a new club and her swings get faster] Cartman: Oh! O-oh! Oh man, I lost another endorsement! How'd you do that? Stan: Hit A and X together. Announcer: Round 2. Fight!! [Tiger and Elin face off again and start swinging] Cartman: Oh, you're going down, Elin! Stan: I don't think so dude, I got the pre-nup power-up. Announcer: Pre-nup power-up. [a pre-nuptial agreement appears onscreen and then flies off. Elin swings and Tiger a few more times and he's on the grass on his back] Cartman: Oh no! [Elin continues beating up Tiger] Pre-nup? Weak. When'd you get that power-up? Scene Description: Karne Institute for Sexual Addiction, day. "A New Tomorrow, Yesterday." Therapist: All right, sex addicts. What other destructive behaviors that we engaged in that led to our ultimate downfall? [on the dry-erase board are three examples: "Sex Shop Visits, Sex With Hookers, Going To Strip Clubs"] Anyone have another example? Let's see, how about... David! David Letterman: Haha, Oh, ahh, having sex with employees. Therapist: [writing on the board] "Sex with employees." Definitely a danger there. What else? Uh, Mr. Clinton. Bill Clinton: Putting cigars in girls' vaginas? Therapist: Very good, Billy. [writing on the board] "cigars in vaginas." Not the best idea there. Charlie Sheen: Watching Internet porn all day every day? Therapist: Spot on, Charlie Sheen! Excessive [writing on the board] "Internet porn." Now, the reason we are making this list is that we have new members today. I want you all to welcome Kyle and Bummers. The men all turn to look at the boys, who are seated in the last row. Kyle: Hello? The men: Hey Kyle, hi Kyle. Therapist: And would you care to share your stories with us, boys? Kyle: Well, I just found out I'm a sex addict. I'm so scared, I haven't even told my mom yet. Bill Clinton: Does your mom have big tits? Therapist: Billy! Bill Clinton: [sheepishly] Sorry... Butters: Me, I just... Well I just can't stop thinking about bush. Ben Roethlisberger: I heard that. Butters: I mean it's like, what is it? What does it mean? Why would there be a bush right there? Is it a live bush? Are there berries? Therapist: Mr. Duchovny, please stop jerking off! David Duchovny: [stops] Aw, gee whiz! Scene Description: CDC labs, day. Expert 4: To better understand the sex addiction outbreak, we've been running tests on chimpanzees. [an enclosure full of chimps is shown] You can see that this entire community of specimens are getting along normally, some pairing off, others on their own, but now see this chimp here. [a chimp is shown sitting peacefully scratching himself here and there] An average adult normal male blending in seamlessly with the others. Now watch. We're going to give it a lot of money. [presses a button and speaks into a mic] Go ahead. [two researchers walk into the enclosure and dump lots of dollar bills on the peaceful chimp and walk out. The chimp looks at the money and starts getting excited. He stands up and grins widely, then walks around with dollars bills in his hands. He walks up to a chimp with a baby chimp in her hands and bangs her from behind. She lets the baby go. The male chimp moves on to the next female and bangs her face to face, then he moves to the third female and bangs her from behind. ] Chairman: My God... Expert 4: Yes... [the chimp goes on to bang two other females and an angry chimp is heard in the background. She comes out in curlers, robe, and slippers, and wields a rolling pin. She approaches the male chimp and beats him up with the rolling pin, then walks away as he writhes on the ground. The other chimps hoot and holler, and one of them throws feces at him] The subject is now isolated and shunned. Chairman: Incredible. And, and what's it doing now? Expert 4: Making a public apology on its talk show. [and so it is] Scene Description: Karne Institute for Sexual Addiction, day. Therapist: Alrighty. Now, we all know the destructive behaviors that got us into this predicament, don't we? What is the main thing we've all learned to avoid? [Tiger raises his hand] Yes, Tiger? Tiger Woods: Avoid drugs? And alcohol? The other men: Auugh! Therapist: No, no, Tiger, you still aren't getting it. [Kyle has a memo pad and pen, Butters is trimming a small bonsai tree] In order to make sure we are no longer destroying our lives with any of these behaviors, we must avoid... anyone? Avoid getting... anyone? Michael Douglas: Caught. Therapist: Yes, Michael Douglas! Everyone! The Men: Getting caught. Therapist: Very good! You are all here in therapy [draws a big circle around the destructive behaviors and writes "CAUGHT" over them] because you got caught! So how do we avoid getting caught? Ben Rothlisberger? Ben Rothlisberger: Don't screw girls in the public bathrooms? David Letterman: When they uh ask you for money, pay them. Therapist: Good, yes! Kyle: Whoa, hang on! We shouldn't be learning how not to get caught. We have to take responsibility for our actions. [Butters stops trimming the tree, the men all look at Kyle] Bill Clinton: [breaks the silence] What the fuck are you talkin' about? Kyle: Well, ah I mean, we have to accept that we have a problem, and put the blame completely on ourselves. I mean, maybe this isn't really even a disease. [the therapist turns around and walks away from the group, then places a call] Therapist: Yeah, it's me. We've got a turd in the punch bowl. I repeat, we have a turd in the punch bowl. Scene Description: The White House, Oval Office, day. The chairman of the CDC and a researcher are talking to President Obama Chairman: Mr. President, in every test the results were the same. The monkeys who were given cash always acted out their sexual addiction to dangerous levels. It appears that money has a direct effect on the virus's ability to develop. Obama: So we must keep our nation's youth away from money and success. Chairman: No good, Mr. President. Because we've learned that sex addicts will find ways to make money and become successful in order to feed their addiction. Obama: You mean boys will start working towards being rich and successful just so they can one day have sex with lots of women?? Chairman: Yes. That's why we decided to look at the cash itself for clues! We tried to find something in the hundred dollar bill that could explain why this is happening now. Then we looked at the backside, and found this. [points to the picture of Independence Hall on the back of the bill] Independence Hall. Obama: The birthplace of our country. Chairman: We believe something is happening in Independence Hall that gives money its power over men. Obama: Independence Hall... Independence Day... Aliens... Gentlemen, I might know what's causing the sex addiction outbreak. This is highly classified, but... in 1947 a flying saucer was discovered in Roswell, New Mexico. Two deceased alien bodies were recovered and hidden from public knowledge. They carried... a virus with them. A virus that only barely stopped from spreading all over the country. Chairman: And you think that these aliens... could be back with a new virus? One originating from Independence Hall causing rich successful men to have sex with lots of women?! Obama: [seriously] It's the only explanation that makes any sense. [glances at Michelle, who doesn't react, then looks at the chairman again] Scene Description: Tiger Woods' press conference. "I WAS UNFAITHFUL, HAD AFFAIRS, AND I CHEATED." Tiger: I want to say that I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior. I know that I have severely disappointed all of you. Some have speculated that my wife somehow hurt or attacked me on Thanksgiving Night. It angers me that people would fabricate a story like that. She has shown nothing but grace and poise- Elin: [off-stage] You motherfucker! Tiger: Oh no! Elin: I should have never married [jumps out from behind the curtain and whacks him with a golf club] youuu! [continues whacking him] Tiger: Agh! Stop it! Elin: A porn star?! You screwed a porn star?! [the camera pulls back to reveal the video game the boys were playing earlier] Cartman: Dude, you found another girl's phone number on my cell phone?? Stan: Yeah, back in that water level. [looks over at the front door, then back at the game] Is Kyle still at sex-addiction therapy? That must be really intense. Scene Description: A military helicopter in the night sky. Kyle and Butters are with the other addicts Kyle: Okay so, what exactly are we doing now? Therapist: [sighs heavily] We are on our way to help take of your diseases once and for all! Butters: Oh good, 'cause I really can't take it anymore. Therapist: Don't worry, as soon as it's dead everything will make sense. Kyle: ...As soon as what's dead? [the men groan] Therapist: The infected alien that they just discovered is hiding out at Independence Hall! Scene Description: Independence Hall, night. Police, SWAT, and firefighters swarm the grounds and police barricades are put up. The front doors blow off their hinges and the SWAT team moves in. SWAT Officer 1: Entrance is clear, Mr. President. [Obama leads the chairman and other CDD officials into the front room of the building] Chairman: Mr. President, you aren't safe here. Let us handle this. SWAT Officer 2: Right side clear! Expert 4: We must be careful. The alien could have cast some kind of spell of invisibility. Obama: [softly] Which would mean that the alien is also a wizard. Expert 10: Yes! It explains everything! A wizard alien would be able to cast a spell on our species, causing all the men to become sex addicts. Obama: Enough! We need to find the wizard alien and break his spell. SWAT Officer 2: [chuckles] Okay okay alright alright, hang, hang on guys. I mean, come on, this is getting a little ridiculous. Wizard aliens? We all know what's going on here, don't we? Whenever a story breaks about some rich famous guy going around and having sex with tons of girls, we all wanna act like we don't understand it, but we do. We're guys, you know? Our brains are wired to strive to be the alpha male and get all the women we can. [walks into an open area in the room] I mean, look where we are. Even, even Benjamin Franklin screwed everything that moved. Because he could. We don't have to condone what these rich, famous people do, but... we can at least admit that, given the same temptations and opportunities that somebody like Tiger Woods has, a lot of us guys might do somethin' similar. [Obama thinks this over...] Obama: [speaks into a mic strapped to his wrist] We have a turd in the punch bowl. Secret Service Agent: Turd in the punch bowl. [the other SWAT members close in on him] SWAT Officer 2: Hey, what are you doin- No. No, come on. [and take him away] Where are you takin' me? Scene Description: News 4 news break. A reporter and camera are outside Independence Hall News 4 Reporter: Ten city blocks have been shut down because an alien is believed to have taken refuge here in Independence Hall. By all accounts, the alien is also a wizard, who could very easily be the cause of the outbreak of sex addiction in our country. [everyone in the Hall is moving around cautiously, with flashlights on.] SWAT Officer 3: [voice only] Mr. President, here they are. [all flashlights point towards the source of the voice. The SWAT officers make way for the therapist, Kyle, and Butters] Therapist: This is the boy I told you about. And his friend, Bummers. Chairman: Son, we were told that you think sex addiction can be controlled. That it just takes restraint. Is that true? Kyle: I just think I'd rather... control it instead of blame it on anything. Chairman: A-mazing. Then the wizard alien spell might not have any power over him! He could draw the bastard out! Obama: Quick, give that boy a gun! [a SWAT officer gives him a rifle] Kyle: What? SWAT Officer 3: You'd better take one too. [gives Butters a rifle] Obama: Alright, everyone to the stairwell. The bastard's gotta be upstairs. [moves towards the stairs as well] Kyle: What bastard? Obama: [looks back at Kyle] The alien wizard hiding out here! Come on, we've got tuh- [a muffled voice is heard] Chairman: [on the stairs] The hell was that? SWAT Officer 4: I got a baaad feelin' about this. [behind Kyle and Butters, a door opens and the kidnapped SWAT officer stumbles out with his hands tied in front of him and holding a wand, wearing a huge green mascot head of an alien with ogre ears, a white beard, and a wizard's hat.] Dr. Tonton: Oh my God there it is! Chairman: It's the alien wizard! It's gonna get you boys! Shoot it! [a strobe light flickers on and off, blinding the bound SWAT officer, who stumbles around trying to free himself] Obama: Shoot it boys! Expert 6: You have to shoot it! [Kyle fires a shot] Chairman: Shoot it again, it's still alive! [Butters fires a shot] SWAT Officer 5: You gotta reload! [the boys reload slowly] Expert 4: Keep firing, boys! Shoot it in the heart! [Kyle fires a shot] Obama: Keep shooting it! Expert 11: Shoot him in his blabber mouth! [Kyle fires again, then Butters fires a shot, and the SWAT officer falls to the floor dead. The strobe light keeps flashing just in case] Chairman: My God, they've done it! Scene Description: Outside Independence Hall. The sex addicts dance around and moan gleefully Bill Clinton: Look! The sex addiction! It's leavin' my body! David Letterman: I can feel it! I'm free! Another addict: We are healed! Scene Description: The White House, day. President Obama addresses the nation from the South Lawn. "Sexual Healing" plays in the background Obama: We watched... as sex addiction ran rampant through our country. It devastated families. But once again, our great country has risen up as one. The wizard alien... is dead. Sex addiction is no more. And if a rich celebrity is caught again trying to screw lots of women, we will know it isn't because men are just like that, it's because a wizard alien has cast his mighty spell. [the crowd on the lawn jumps up and cheers] Randy: [watching this on TV in the bedroom] Oh I'm so glad it's over, Sharon. Aren't you? [Sharon isn't paying any attention, preferring to read a book] News 4 Reporter: We are now with the young boys who helped stop the alien. Boys, how does it feel to be free of your illness? Kyle: [unsure] I guess it... feels great. Thanks. [Butters looks pissed off] Butters: Yeah, it feels great! I never wanna see bush again! [swats the reporter's hand away and walks towards the camera] I finally paid a lady to show me hers. You wanna know what's under that bush? Nothin' but a pair of sick Joker lips. Scene Description: Tiger Woods' press conference. "I AM RETURNING TO GOLF IN 3 WEEKS." Tiger: I am so happy that I am cured, and no longer have any desire to have sex with anyone but my beautiful wife. Now I can be faithful. And my wife won't feel any need to get revenge by sleeping with a bunch of guys. [she glances at him, he glances at her, she glances back at him] So I officially announce my return to golf. Scene Description: EA Sports Tiger Woods PGA Tour '11. Tiger tees off and the audience claps approvingly. The ball reaches 350 yards. Nothing more exciting happens Cartman: What the hell?! This game's all boring now! Stan: Yeah, where's all the fighting? Cartman: Dude, screw this! [gets off the sofa and throws his controller to the floor, then walks away] Who wants to hit a dumb little ball around?! Stan: Yeah, golf is stupid again. [gets off the sofa and tosses his controller onto the sofa, then follows Cartman out]

Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, Fourth Grade class. The bell rings and Mr. Garrison enters with a box of books. Mr. Garrison: Okay kids, let's take our seats. [sets the box down on the desk] There has been a change in school policy, and so I'm assigning you all a book to read. Cartman: [sarcastically, folds his arms together] Aww, books? God, I hate those! Mr. Garrison: Now, kids, this book is very controversial and has just been taken off the banned books list. [the book in question is J.D. Salinger's The Catcher In The Rye] Cartman: Oh really? Sweet. Mr. Garrison: It's called The Catcher In The Rye, and it has some very... risqué parts... [begins handing out the books individually] Stan: All right! Mr. Garrison: ...and strong vulgar language... Kenny: (Awesome, dude!) Mr. Garrison: ...and in fact many schools across the country still ban this book because it's thought to be so inappropriate. Cartman: Oho man, I can't wait! Mr. Garrison: Tonight I want you to read chapters one through five, and tomorrow we'll discuss the- Cartman: No on, come on, let's read it now! Kyle: Mr. Garrison, didn't the guy who shot John Lennon say it was because of this book? Mr. Garrison: Uh-yes, apparently John Lennon's killer said he was inspired by The Catcher In The Rye, but he was just a kook! [jabs his left index finger at the floor] Cartman: Whoa, you're telling us this book is filthy, inappropriate, and made a guy shoot the king of hippies? Can we please read this right now?! Mr. Garrison: You will read it at home, [jabs his left index finger at the floor again, then puts his palms on his hips] and you will all be mature about its adult themes and language! Class: Awww! Scene Description: Kyle's house, that afternoon. Kyle is reading at his desk, Stan is on the floor next to Kyle's bed reading. Kyle is almost finished with the book while Stan is halfway through it. Stan: Did you get to any dirty parts yet? Kyle: No, it's still just some whiny, annoying teenager talking about how lame he is. Stan: [turns the page] I don't get it dude, w-what's so controversial about this? All he's done is said "shit" and "fuck" a few times. Kyle: I know. I'm almost at the end and there's nothing. [the door opens and a pissed-off Cartman enters and closes the door] Cartman: Motherfucker! [Kyle turns around to face him, Stan stands up and walks up to him] The whole thing! I read the whole fucking thing! I kept thinking, "alright, I guess the cool offensive stuff must be coming," and then after like a hundred pages I was like "alright, I guess all the dirty stuff is at the end," and then I got to the last page, and I was all "the fuck is this?! I just read a book! For nothing!" Kyle: [picks up his book] Why the hell was this book banned?! Cartman: They fucking tricked us, that's what they did! Tricked us into reading a book by, enticing us with promises of vulgarity! [the door opens again and Kenny enters with his book] Kenny: (Dude, what the fuck is so filthy or offensive in here?) Cartman: We know, we were just saying that. Stan: Why would anyone think this book so obscene or dangerous? Scene Description: Butters' house, same time. He's reading the book at the kitchen table with an odd look in his eyes. He sets the book down Butters: Kill John Lennon... [leaves his chair and walks across the kitchen] Kill John Lennon... Kill John Lennon... [reaches into a bottom drawer and pulls out a large steak knife] Kill John Lennon! [walks by his dad's study and stops to look in] Hey dad, where does John Lennon live? Stephen: John Lennon's dead, Butters. Butters: [lowers the knife instantly] Aww. Dangit. [drops it and walks away] Kyle: Dude, some people really do consider this obscene. Cartman: It's not obscene, dude! I'll show them fucking obscene! Stan: Hey yeah, we should write our own banned book. [Kyle breaks into a grin] Cartman: Yeah, we could get a book banned way more than this one. Kyle: Yeah, sweet. Kenny: (Awesome.) Kyle: [starts typing] The Tale of... [can't think of anything, so his smile disappears] Cartman: The Tale of... Scrotie McDickinass. Kenny: (No, No, Scrotie McBoogerballs) Kyle: Oh that's, [giggles] yeah that's good, that's good. Alright, chapter... one... Cartman: It was a... a warm spring morning. [background music plays and a montage follows. Next is the school playground where, as other kids play, Stan and the other three sit on the steps of a side entrance and continue working on their book, with Cartman taking notes Next is Stan's room where Stan is typing the next part of the book. The boys are having fun with the writing. Next scene is in Cartman's room where Cartman is again writing the story down. Kyle has brought Ike over for company. Finally, a few days later, Sharon enters Stan's room to put away his clean clothes. She puts away some underwear, but notices something in the drawer. Under Stan's shirts is the manuscript to the story the boys have been working on. Sharon reaches for it.] Scene Description: Stan's room, day. Sharon grabs the manuscript and begins reading it Sharon: "The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs"? [goes to the first page] "It was a warm summer morning when Scrotie McBoogerballs awoke to find his"... [reads silently] Ew. "He took a..." [stunned] What? Oh. OH! Oh my God! "He then grabbed his dog's" [stifles a gag but can't hold it in, and barfs] Ehohoh, oh my God! "Walking out of his house he spotted the bloodiest pus-covered" [tries not to barf again, but can't hold it in] Nooo! Nooo! [reads some more, but then coughs, then barfs] Noho! Nooo! [Sharon then falls unconscious and rolls on her back] Scene Description: The Marsh kitchen, downstairs. Sharon races down with the manuscript... Sharon: Randy? [spots him working on a small wooden ship and runs in] Randy! Randy, you need to read this! Randy: Read what? Sharon: This book! Our son and his friends wrote it! Randy: So? Sharon: Soo? Randy, it's, it's, it's really good! Randy: Huh? Sharon: I mean it's disgusting. [hands the manuscript over to him] It's, it's the most disgusting thing I've ever read, but, the plot is amazing. And the characters are so... vivid! Randy: "It was a warm summer morning when Scrotie McBoogerballs awoke to find hi-" Ew, Sharon, gross! Sharon: Nono, just keep reading. Randy: "He took a- and then-" Oh, man. Oh, this- [turns to his left and barfs on the floor. Sharon turns away and shields herself] Sharon: I know. I know, Randy, but trust me. You've gotta push through to the end. Randy: Noo, noo, that's just WRONG! Sharon: Randy please! You've got to listen to me! Randy: "Walking out of the house he found a bloody pu-" What? "He immediately stuck up his im...fected ba-" [barfs again. He spends a couple hours more reading, and finally reaches the last few pages. There's a pail in front of him now, but the vomit has gone all over the place. He has a small towel in his left hand covered in vomit. His voice is now soft and beat] "That was all long ago in some brief lost spring, in a place that is no more. In that hour the vaj frogs begin and the scent off Scrotie's infected anus becomes its strongest." Oh... Oh, man. Sharon: Well? Randy: It's... it's awesome. Sharon it's it's the best book I've ever read. Sharon: Right? It's not just me. Randy: No, it's... I mean, the whole part about Amsterdam, wow! Sharon: What do we do, Randy? We can't support our son talking like this, but I, I mean. Randy: NO! I kn... I know! People need to read this book, Sharon, this is... this is Pulitzer prize stuff. Scene Description: Cartman's house, day, living room. Kenny, Cartman and Kyle are playing a video game Cartman: Hehehhh, you're dead, Kenny! Stan: [runs into the living room in a panic] Guys, guys! We are totally fucked! The book is gone from my dresser drawer. My parents must have found it! Cartman: ...so why are we all fucked? They'll think you wrote it all. Stan: Hey hey! I'm not taking the heat for this alone! We all wrote it! If I'm going down, somebody has to go down with me! Kyle: Well if I'm going down, Cartman's going down! Cartman: And if I'm going down, both Kyle and Kenny are definitely going down! Stan: Well dude, somebody has got to go down! Scene Description: Butters' house, day. He's in the living room watching TV. Cartman walks in with the other three boys Cartman: Butters, what are you up to? Butters: Oh hey fellas. I'm just watching the Kardashians Kim: Today my sisters and I are gonna have to wash something. It's gonna blow! Butters: Kim Kardashian is sooo sexy. Her butt is like a biiig mountain of pudding. Stan: Butters, listen: you are in big trouble! Butters: I am? Cartman: Yeah, you remember that book you wrote? Stan's mom found it. Butters: Oh no. Which book was that? Cartman: Dude, the book you left with us when you were sleepwalking last night! Butters: I don't even remember that. [gasps] But it all makes sense now. Ever since I read The Catcher In The Rye I've been having these... blackouts. Crazy thoughts of wanting to kill the phonies. I must have channeled all my angst into dark writings in my sleep! Scene Description: Kyle's house, day. The boys and their parents are in the living room Sharon: Alright boys, we need to get to the bottom of this. Sheila: We've all read the book now and it is very shocking to say the least. Stan: Okay, well... a-actually it was all written by... Butters. [Butters walks in hanging his head] Cartman: That's right. Randy: Butters? Is that true? Butters: Yeah, though I barely remember it, but I know I did. Gerald: Well Butters, we think... that this is one of the BEST books we've ever read. Butters: Huh? Kyle: What? [the other boys can't believe it] Gerald: Yeah, it's really amazing. Butters: [brightens up] Oh, thanks. Sheila: We were actually so moved by your book, Butters, that we brought Mr. Needlebaum from Penguin Publishing to read it. Mr. Needlebaum: Mr. Butters, we would like to offer you a deal for first publishing rights to your brilliant novel. Stan: Hey, wait a minute, that's ours! Kyle: Yeah, we wrote that! Randy: Ohkay boys, you already told the truth. Kyle: No, no, w-we we really did write it. Tell them, Butters. Butters: I wrote that. [the adults begin to murmur amongst themselves] Stephen: Really amazing. Stan: What? Hey! [Butters is pleased for once] Scene Description: A news report News Anchor: It is being called the most disgusting, foul, sickening book ever written, and it is also being called "literary genius." The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs hit the shelves this weekend, and so far no one has been able to get through the first paragraph without vomiting. Scene Description: Frontier Books. Everyone who's buying or reading the book is vomiting after reading a few seconds of it, then back to the news report News Anchor: The book has already sold millions of copies worldwide aaand has been translated into twenty six languages. Scene Description: a reading in Chinese. The book cover is shown in Chinese. Even just hearing it, the Chinese audience vomits after Scrotie McBoogerballs' name. The reader continues for a few more seconds, but has to stop to vomit into the pail next to him. The audience vomits some more, and the reader continues, After reading Jessica Parker's name, he gets off his stool and vomits into the pail some more. The audience vomits some more. Then back to the news report News Anchor: The book is changing the literary world. And it is all thanks... to Leopold "Butters" Stotch. [a picture of Butters in a pensive pose pops up] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The students mill around. Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, and Mr. Adler supervise the hallway Clyde: Hey, here he comes! Mr. Adler: Amazing book, Butters. [Mr. Garrison comes out of his classroom] Butters: Thank you! [clasps his hands together and congratulates himself as he walks down the hallway] Mrs. Streibel: You've changed my life, young man. Butters: That's nice. [waves to everyone and walks on, but runs into Stan and the boys, who are mad at him] Cartman: Butters, what the fuck do you think you're doing?! Butters: Just enjoying myself. Why, Eric? Kyle: Butters, you know goddamned well you didn't write that book! Butters: But, you told me I did! Stan: Yeah, but that was when we thought we were gonna get in trouble, asshole! [two girls rush up to Butters' aid] Red: Hey hey, you guys leave Butters alone! He's a very fragile artist. Lola: He's so brooding and full of angst. Butters: Yeah, I'm broooding. Cartman: Butters doesn't deserve any credit for Scrotie McBoogerballs! We deserve all the credit! Rebecca: Oh God, you guys are pathetic! Lola: Yeah, get a life and stop mooching off others' success for once. [the girls leave] Stan: God-damnit! Kyle: Butters, do you really think it's fair to lie like this?! Let me tell you, if you don't have the- Butters: No, let me tell you somethin', fellers! You always take advantage of me, and after reading The Catcher in the Rye, I've learned you're nothing but phonies! I'm not letting you trick me this time! So the four of you can just suck on my wiener! Cartman: That inconsiderate jerk! Scene Description: The HBC logo pops up - a spoof of the NBC Peacock. What follows is an HBC News presentation Announcer: Today on Today: We meet the author of the book that has swept the nation, and has now spawned TV's most popular game show, "How Long Can You Listen To Scrotie McBoogerballs On Audiobook" [the studio audience joins in] "And Not Vomit?" [a contestant is fitted with headphones and place in a soundproof booth. The front panel is a glass door so the audience can see the contestant's reaction without getting sprayed with vomit. It only takes two seconds of listening before the contestant vomits all over the door] The book is full of disgusting words and acts, including Sarah Jessica Parker, who is mentioned four hundred and sixty-five times. [a shot of Parker and her date at the Oscars] Matthew Broderick, are you upset your wife is made fun of so much in the book? Broderick: Well, obviously. I just think it's wrong to make fun of anybody's physical appearance. My wife is a beautiful woman and I know that most people agree with me. Announcer: Uh huh, and Matthew, how come a transvestite donkey witch is standing next to you, and why is it wearing a dress? [cut to a shot of the Stotch family sitting in Butters' room] Matt Lauer: Joining us now is the author of the book, Leopold Stotch, along with his parents. Stephen: Hello Matt Linda: Hi everyone. Matt Lauer: You must be pretty proud of your son. Stephen: Oh, we certainly are. We're thrilled to learn he's so very talented. Meredith Vieira: And we also learned that your son is grounded. Is that correct? Stephen: Yes, we did have to ground him for the language in the novel of course. Butters: I have to come right to my room after school. Stephen: But we are very very proud nonetheless. Al Roker: [chuckles] Young man, now that you are a respected author, have you met any famous people? Butters: Not yet, but as soon as I'm not grounded anymore, I'm hopin' to meet Kim Kardashian. I wanna jump on her belly. Matt Lauer: All right, uh, yeah huh. Butters, my favorite part of your novel was when Scrotie McBoogerballs slid his head up into the horse's [jumps off his stool and tries to vomit into a pail nearby, but misses. He vomits agin and this time gets it into the pail, burps, and coughs a few times, getting the last of the vomit into the pail, and finally spits. He gets back on the stool] Sorry, I uh, was that chapter a slam on health care reform as people suggested? Butters: Uh... yeah, pretty much, I think, think so. Meredith Vieira: Is that why the doctor character pulls out all the strings? [begins to vomit immediately] Al Roker: Little boy, are you ever worried somebody might take your book wrong and try to kill someone, like when that guy tried to shoot Ronald Reagan after reading The Catcher in the Rye? Butters: Oh, is that who the book was tellin' me to kill? Ohhh. [gets into a trance] Kill Ronald Reagan. [hops off his bed and heads for the door] Kill Ronald Reagan. Al Roker: Ronald Reagan is dead now, Butters. Butters: Oh really? [goes back to his bed] Oh yeah, gosh dangit. Scene Description: Assembly Hall, day. Kenny, Cartman, Kyle, Stan and Sarah Jessica Parker are giving their speeches to the school board. Stan: More and more of us are against this book every day! The author is cruel and offensive! And for these reasons, we demand this book be banned from all school, stores, and libraries! This book is nothing but smut and vulgarity purely for the sake of smut and vulgarity! Assemblyman 1: That's just because you're too young to understand the underlying themes. Cartman: There are no underlying themes! We know that for a fact! Assemblyman 2: You just fail to understand what the author meant. Kyle: The author meant to be as gross as possible because it was funny! Assemblyman 3: [chuckles] No, no no, that's such a simplistic view. Stan: Goddamnit there is no deeper meaning in this book! Read it again! Assemblywoman 1: Oh, so you're suggesting that the author just arbitrarily made fun of Sarah Jessica Parker for no reason? Kyle: Yes! Assemblywoman 1: But what would be the point? Cartman: There is no point! It's just because Sarah Jessica Parker is fuckin' ugly! Assemblywoman 2: No writer would take the time to make fun of Sarah Jessica Parker just because they think she's ugly. Stan, Kyle, Cartman: Yes they would! Assemblywoman 2: It is because Miss Jessica Parker is a metaphor in the book for oppression felt by the lower class. Stan: What? Dude, that is not in the book at all! Assemblyman 2: Boys, this book is an important look at how liberals are hurting this country. Stan: What? Assemblywoman 2: Wait, Scrotie McBoogerballs is the most conservative-hating liberal in literature! Assemblyman 2: What book did you read?! Stan: There's nothing about liberals or conservatives! Assemblyman 4: Ohohh yeah, then why did Sarah Jessica Parker's butt-cheese end up in Scrotie's milkshake? [an assemblyman nearby throws up] Scene Description: Butters' house, day. A Channel 9 reporter stands across the street from it as a small crowd gathers around the front door and look up at Butters' window Field Reporter: Breaking news from acclaimed author Leopold Stotch. The artist has announced that he is working on a second novel as a followup to his wildly successful bestseller. We got a statement from the writer, who is still grounded in his room. [The reporter and Butters are yelling at each other to be heard.] Field Reporter: Can you give the public any idea what the new book is about? Butters: Well, it's kind of about love and betrayal! The inner workings of the human mind! Field Reporter: Will it be as sick and disgusting as your first book? Butters: Oh it's raunchy alright! I know what my readers want, and I'm going to deliver! Stephen: Butters, away from the window! You are being grounded! Butters: Sorry Dad, I was just bein' the voice of a generation. [walks out of view] Scene Description: Outside Assembly Hall, the boys sit on the curb. Sarah Jessica Parker stands next to a tree with a bare branch on which a bird sits Stan: I can't believe they won't ban our book! Kyle: I know! It's so much worse than Catcher in the retarded Rye! Kenny: (It's fucking disgusting!) Cartman: All right you guys, I know what we have to do. [stands up and walks onto the street] We've got to kill Sarah Jessica Parker. Kyle: What?! [Stan's hands go from his chin to his knees] Cartman: Think about it, guys. If somebody kills Sarah Jessica Parker, then they'll assume that somebody did it because of what was in the book. Then the book will get banned. Kyle: Dude, we're not killing Sarah Jessica Parker! [Sarah Jessica Parker hears her name and looks at the boys] Cartman: Shhh. [addresses Ms. Parker] Be right with you. [hushed tones to the other boys] We don't have to kill her, we can just help her get killed. Stan: Shut up, Cartman! Just face it. We lost this one. [he and Kyle walk away] Cartman: Kenny... we only have to help her get killed and then we totally get back at Butters. Kenny: [looks over at Ms. Parker, then at Cartman] (Okay.) Cartman: [turns and walks over to Ms. Parker] Ms. Jessica Parker, over here. [Kenny follows.] Scene Description: The Today Show, an HBC News production Matt: Well, the day has finally arrived. The eagerly awaited second novel from the author of Scrotie McBoogerballs hit the shelves this morning and apparently, bookstores are jammed. Meredith: Al, how is it out there? Al: [giggles] I don't know if you could see this, guys, but uh, the line stretches all the way around the block. People waiting for their turn to get inside the bookstore and read the novel. [the camera pans across the line from front to back and back again. The people in line smile and wave at the camera] And they brought trash bags and buckets to throw up in. Just a festive atmosphere here, Matt and Meredith. Meredith: Well, we've got our vomit buckets ready too, because coming up, a very special in-studio treat. Matt: That's right, we are going to have a reading of the first five chapters of the book here live in our studio. Na-now we must warn you that this is from the same author who wrote the most graphic, obscene novel of all time, so... brace yourselves for some very harsh language. Take it away Morgan Freeman. Scene Description: a shot of Morgan Freeman sitting in a study, a fireplace to his left, a library to his right, preparing to read from Butters' second book Morgan Freeman: [reading slowly, with gravitas] The Poop That Took A Pee Chapter 1: Douglas had to poop. His butt was all stinky because he had to poop so badly. There was a gross woman named Rebecca who was sunbathing all naked, and she was fat. Douglas walked up to her and said, "I need to poop." "Okay," Rebecca replied, "I like poop." Douglas squatted down [turns the page] over the fat sunbathing lady and went poop. The poop sat there on Rebecca's boobs looking like a wiener. [turns the page] Chapter 2... Scene Description: The woods, day. A sign by the side of a road indicates that moose hunting season is here and the woods are open. Cartman and Kenny are standing in the bush. Kenny makes a moose call with his hands and mouth. They wait for a response. Kenny makes the call again Cartman: See any hunters yet? Kenny: (Not yet) [Ms. Parker is in a nearby clearing with moose horns attached to her head] Cartman: Doing good, Ms. Jessica Parker! Just hang out, right there. Kyle: Guys, stop, stop! [Kyle and Stan walk into view towards Cartman and Kenny] We don't have to do this! Kenny: (Huh?) Kyle: Butters wrote a second book! Cartman: So what? Stan: So dude, if Butters wrote a second book, then everyone's gonna know he couldn't have written the first one! Kyle: We can get people to believe us now! Cartman: Oh dude, sweet! [all four boys walk away, leaving Ms. Parker all alone at the mercy of any moose hunter that walks by her] Scene Description: Cut to the in-studio reading of Butters' second novel Morgan Freeman: "Why are we here?" Douglas cried as poop came out his wiener, in a long, thin strip. It was... wiener poop, which is the grossest poop of all. Scene Description: Frontier Books, morning. The shoppers pick up where Morgan left off Shopper 1: "The pee he got on the woman's leg, and she screamed, pooping out her boobs." Shopper 2: "And so when the pee got mixed with the poop, it smelled like a butt." Stan: [in store with the other boys] Aw dude, this is even lamer than we thought. [grins] Cartman: People are gonna want Butters' head on a platter! Shopper 3: Are you reading this, Marsha? What do you think? Marsha: So far I think it's, it's incredible! Ih, it might be better than his first book. Shopper 4: I agree. It wasn't as edgy, but it's like, he he's gone back to his roots. Cartman: What?! Stan: You can't be serious! You people like this?! Shopper 5: Some of the imagery is unbelievable Kyle: A woman pooping out her boobs is not good imagery! Shopper 6: Says you! You must be a pro-life nut, huh? [slides into taunting] Didn't like what the book had to say? Marsha: What are you talking about? This book is as pro-life as it gets! Cartman: Oh come on! Stan: God-damnit, will you people stop reading into stuff that isn't there!! Shopper 7: "And the poop and the pee lived happily every after. The end." [closes the book...] Kill the phonies. Kill the phonies! Scene Description: Keeping Up With The Kardashians is on the air Kim: Today my sisters and I are gonna shop for underwear. The Kardashians: Yaaay! Male Guest: Can I go with you girls? [the seventh shopper breaks into the set and guns everyone down] Scene Description: News report about the massacre News Anchor 2: Our nation is still reeling from the tragic deaths of the Kardashians. The shooter claims he was driven to commit the slaughter immediately after reading The Poop That Took A Pee by Leopold "Butters" Stotch. It's all over. The Kardiashians.. [cries a bit and sheds a tear] wiped out. In the blink of an eye. All because one little PRICK... had to go and write a book. Scene Description: Butters' room, day. Butters is at his desk with his face buried in his arms. The news report is airing on the TV in the background News Anchor 2: Leopold Stotch... I HOPE THEY BURY YOU! ...YOU EVIL FUCK! [the anchorman falls silent and the door opens. Cartman and the other boys enter] Cartman: Dude, people are pissed off at you, Butters. Butters: I know. Stan: They're saying they're gonna ban both your books now, completely. You're not making any more money! Butters: [lifts his head up. He's been crying] You think I care about that? My writing got the most beautiful woman in the world killed! I loved her! And now she's gone and it's because of me! Kyle: Ah... Oh Butters, [steps forward] it'll be all right. Listen, we've all learned that people look for meaning in books. And sometimes, even if it isn't there, they'll try and invent their own meaning. Stan: Yeah, dude, eh, that's why we all need to avoid books and stick to television. Butters: Thang, thanks, fellas. I'll definitely never write again. I think I can get through this. Cartman: That's good, Butters, because, we need to tell you something. Butters: What? Cartman: [sighs heavily] You were sleepwalking again and dressed Sarah Jessica Parker up in a moose suit. You left her in the forest and she got shot by a hunter. Butters: What?! Oh no! Cartman: Yep, sorry. You're gonna have to come down and admit it was you. [walks out of the room with the other boys] Butters: Aw. Aw I got her killed too? Aw uh, oh well, at least she was ugly. [leaves his desk and follows the other boys downstairs]

Scene Description: A soccer field, day. The four boys are at soccer practice with other boys from around the neighborhood. They're exercising, touching their bellies, then their feet, then raising their hands in the air. Group: Twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-three, twenty-four, twenty-five, twenty-six, twenty-seven, twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty, thirty-one, thirty-two, thirty-three, thirty-four, thirty-five, thirty-six, thirty-seven, thirty-eight, thirty-nine, forty. Cartman: [after "27"] Oh I wish I could exercise with the rest of the team, coach, but I've got such a belly ache. Coach: You seem to have a stomach ache every time we do drills and exercises. Cartman: [faking] I know, it sucks. [the coach blows his whistle as the boys reach "40"] Coach: Alright kids, practice is over for today. Cartman: [grins and throws his sports bottle away] KFC!! [races for his ride] Scene Description: Randy's car, after practice. Randy drives the boys across town Cartman: Oh boy oh boy! I'm gonna get a three piece meal and crispy strips! Kyle: Cartman, you only come to soccer practice on Fridays, and that's only because we have Kentucky Fried Chicken afterwards! Cartman: Shut up you shifty Jew! I'll fuckin' kill you! [remembers where he is] Uhm sorry, sorry. I just, you know, when I've been waiting too long for the Colonel's chicken I get easily agitated. You're a fuckin' asshole, Kenny! Oh oh oh, sorry sorry. Oh here we are! Here we are! Scene Description: Randy pulls up to a KFC and parks the station wagon. Everyone gets out Stan: Hey, it looks different. Scene Description: sure enough, the KFC logo and lettering are gone, but the building still has that KFC style of architecture. The windows advertise medicinal marijuana though. A customer comes out with a bag of weed. Randy: [to the customer] Hey, uh, what's up with the KFC? Customer: [stops] Oh, it's not a KFC anymore. It's a medicinal marijuana dispensary. [walks away] Stan: A what? Cartman: Dude, what the fuck? What the fuck?! Kyle: So where's the KFC now? Randy: Alright, boys, wait out here. Let me see what's going on. [leaves them and enters the store.] Scene Description: Inside the medicinal marijuana dispensary. Randy walks toward the counter, looking around at the place Clerk: Can I help you, sir? Randy: Yeah, we were actually looking to get some KFC? Clerk: Oh, yeah, sorry, that's gone. We only sell marijuana here. Randy: Really? I mean, you're openly selling pot? For reals? Clerk: Sure. New state laws say it's okay. Randy: [thinks about what this means] Woohoo, all right! I love the future! Let's see, uh, I'll take half a pound of that uhhh Jamaican Passion [goes to another counter] and give me some of that purplish stuff too! Clerk: Alright. I'll just need to see your physician's reference. Randy: [his smile vanishes] My huh? Clerk: Well, sir, we just can't sell the marijuana to anybody. You need a reference from your doctor to show it's necessary. Randy: Ohhh, that's dumb. Okay. Okay, I'll be I'll be right back! [races out the door] Scene Description: outside the shop. Randy runs past the boys Stan: What'd they say? Randy: [speaking quickly] KFC's gone, been replaced. Cartman: They can't do that! This is the only KFC in all of South Park! Randy: Yeah, well, I gotta get to the doctor. [runs to the car, opens the driver-side door, and quickly gets in] Stan: The doctor? But, Dad, we wanna eat. Randy: I gotta get to the doctor! [pulls out of his parking slot and drives away in a hurry, leaving the boys by themselves] Kyle: ...So no KFC? Cartman: This is a nightmare. This is a nightmare and I CAN'T WAKE UP! Scene Description: A doctor's office. Randy is on the bed there and the doctor walks to him with some test results Dr. Doctor: Well, Mr. Marsh, it looks like you are in prefect health. Your bloodwork came back great and all your vitals appear normal. Randy: All right! Dr. Doctor: Yep, you check out fine. Randy: That's great. So can I get a referral from you? Dr. Doctor: For what? Randy: Medicinal marijuana. [the doctor frowns] There's a shop that opened in the old KFC, and they said I needed a doctor's referral to buy weed. Dr. Doctor: Mr. Marsh, you don't qualify for medicinal marijuana. Randy: But you said I'm totally healthy! Dr. Doctor: Medicinal marijuana is for people who aren't healthy. AIDS patients, cancer patients. You know, people going through chemo. The THC helps them eat and take the pain. You are in fine shape! Randy: ...Well that sucks! [gets off the bed and puts his clothes back on.] Well so doctor, how do most people get cancer? Dr. Doctor: Well there's a lot of ways you can get cancer. Randy: Yeah, but what's the quickest way? Dr. Doctor: The what? Randy: Well like, what forms of cancer induce in time for the Ziggy Marley concert next Saturday in Denver? Scene Description: On Highway 291, night. Liane and Eric are driving northwest into the San Isabel National Forest west of Pueblo. Cartman is showing his frustration by punching the car door Cartman: Mom, drive faster! Liane: The KFC in Salida is a long way away, sweetie. Be patient. Cartman: Shut up and drive faster! I've been waiting for chicken for TOO LONG! Liane: Eric, we're almost to Frisco. Why don't we go to the Church's Fried Chicken there? Cartman: WHAT?? Church's Fried Chicken tastes like cat shit! Liane: Alright honey, let's take it easy. Cartman: Fuck you! Scene Description: Frisco, day. Liane and Eric arrive at the KFC in Frisco, which is being closed up. "CLOSED INDEFINITELY" says the banner over the Colonel's face as workers take down the K and the C Cartman: No! No, what's going on?! [quickly gets out of the car and shoves a worker aside] Move aside! [stops at the front door and looks up again] Worker 1: It's closed, kid, there's nothin' in there. Cartman: No you, you can't do this! The KFC in my town is closed too! Worker 1: Yeah, well, that's because of the vote last November to ban fast food in low-income areas. Cartman: You mean I have to drive all the way to Denver to get chicken?! Worker 2: No you don't get it, kid. KFCs were only in low-income areas. In the entire state of Colorado, Kentucky Fried Chicken is illegal. Cartman: Nooooooooo-! [his head explodes] Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. Randy is on a chaise lounge in his backyard trying to give himself cancer with three possible carcinogens - cigarettes, an X-ray machine and reflective panels, and three cell phones strapped to his forehead. He's smoking. Stan: [opens the sliding door and looks out] Dad, Mom says to stop trying to give yourself cancer. Randy: Just gonna get a little bit of cancer, Stan. Tell Mom it's okay. [Stan walks away and closes the sliding door] Scene Description: A methadone clinic, day. Cartman walks in and approaches the counter Clerk 2: Can I help you? Cartman: [looking fatigued and feeling quite itchy] I need... Somebody said you... could help me. I... have to... I haven't... had... KFC... in over... a week. [sniffs heavily] Clerk 2: Alright, sign your name on the release form and put down the time- Cartman: [hops onto a little stool in front of the counter] Really? Clerk 2: -your birth year. and we'll get you through the next twenty-four hours. [hands him an application] Cartman: Whoa, what uh, are you serious? [fills out the application as she gets a treatment out of a cabinet. He turns around...] Oh my God, that's KFC gravy! [quite giddy] You have KFC! Yes! [she opens the gravy and pours some into a small cup, then slides the cup to him. He's disappointed] This is it? One lousy little cup of gravy?! Clerk 2: This is a clinic to help you get over your addiction. Cartman: Who wants just gravy?! It goes on mashed potatoes! On extra-crispy chicken skins! Clerk 2: [takes the cup back] If you don't want it, that's fine- Cartman: [grabs it from her hand] NO! [swallows it as fast as he can] Oh God, oh God it's so good. Scene Description: The Marsh house, kitchen, day. Randy opens a box of instant chicken nuggets and pours the nuggets onto a plate. Randy: [reading from the book "Cancer Today"] "Frozen and processed foods appear to have a direct link to many forms of stomach and colon cancers." Alright. [takes the plate and puts the nuggets into the microwave oven, sets the time to four minutes, then starts the oven] "Tests show that preservatives found in these foods are the leading cause. However, luckily most of these cancers are..." [he loses hope] "slow-growing and can take years to develop." Dammit. [turns the page] "Testicular cancer. Most common in older men and can be extremely aggressive." Oh this is good. "There's no data on what causes testicular cancer to grow so rapidly, however the primary causes of testicular cancer are linked to exposure to high doses of radiation" Hmmm. [closes the book and looks at the microwave and at his balls a few times. Some time later, Stan goes to the kitchen, opens the door, and grabs a sports energy drink, closes the door and walks away. He walks by Randy, who's got the microwave door open and his balls inside the oven.] Oh hey, Stan, could you grab me a beer? [Stan just looks at him and continues on his way.] Stan? Scene Description: The Marsh house, dawn. A rooster crows. Randy is still asleep in his bed, but something is beginning to bother him. He turns from his side to his back and then looks at his feet. What he sees amazes him. He pulls down the covers and sees that his balls have grown to the size of large pumpkins Randy: Whoahhh! Sharon. Hey, hey Sharon! Sharon: Wha... WAAAAA! [she almost lost her mind there] Scene Description: Dr. Doctor's office, day. Randy is now in a hospital bed and Sharon sits next to it. Dr. Doctor: Mr. Marsh, I'm afraid that the tests came back positive. You do have testicular cancer. Randy: SCORE! [Sharon is not happy] Dr. Doctor: Now, the good new is it hasn't spread anywhere. We should... probably schedule to have them re- Randy: Yeahyeahyeahyeah, but for now can I finally get my prescription please?! Dr. Doctor: Your prescription for what? Scene Description: South Park, day. Randy is carting his massive balls around in a wheelbarrow, singing happily Randy: Buffalo Soldier... in the heart of America. Stolen from Africa, brought into America. He was fighting on arrival... Scene Description: The medicinal marijuana dispensary, day. Randy enters with his wheelbarrow Randy: One ounce of Purple Lurple, two ounces of Fisherman's Friend, and a half ounce of Alabama Kush! Scene Description: At a lamp post in downtown. Officer Barbrady has stopped a speeding motorist and looks over at Randy, who's smoking some weed in plain view. Randy: Uh that is nice! That is nice! Jimbo: [walks by, sees him, and runs over] Randy! Jesus, Randy. Your balls! Randy: I know. Smokin' pot right in front of a cop. Pretty sweet, huh? Jimbo: No, I mean, your actual balls! Randy: Oh, yeah. Testicular cancer. Here, here, you want some? Oh wait, you're healthy! Hey bust his ass, officer! [laughs] Scene Description: Elsewhere in South Park. Cartman walks down the street sighing heavily Tough Boy 1: Hey kid, they say you're looking for some KFC. Cartman: Yeah. Who isn't? Tough Boy 1: Yeah well uh, we got some. Over at Billy Miller's house. Cartman: Billy Miller? Seriously?? Scene Description: Billy Miller's house, basement. The boy follows Cartman down the stai Billy: Ahhh Eric Cartman, right? Cartman: Tommy said you have some KFC. Billy: Suuure. [snaps his fingers and waves someone forward] Jessie. [a girl brings a tray with food over to Cartman] Cartman: Oh my God, the Colonel's popcorn chicken and honey-mustard sauce! [eats them as fast as he can] Oh God yes! [finishes it off] Where did you get that?! Billy: I have my sources. That'll be $85. Cartman: 85 bucks?? I don't have that! [three boys behind him get serious and approach him. One of them has a bat] Billy: Hold on, hold on. [the boys stop] You're a big boy, Eric. Maybe you can pay me back another way. Do a little job for me. I've got some serious KFC coming in from a dealer. I need somebody willing to get a little risky and... pick it up. Cartman: How much KFC are we talking? Billy: Two buckets plus a three-piece meal and four sides. Cartman: Holy fuck, dude. Billy: I've got the money to pay for it, but it's become a risky business out there. You get the chicken for me, and I'll make sure you're hooked up for life. Do you wanna do it? Cartman: Do I wanna do it? Does the Pope help pedophiles get away with their crime? Billy: Excellent. Scene Description: Medicinal marijuana dispensary, day. Randy exits the dispensary with his balls in the wheelbarrow Randy: [smokes, coughs a little] Alright, see you tomorrow! [turns left and has difficulty maneuvering his massive balls. He walks down the sidewalk happily and checks his watch] Oh God, I gotta hurry! Caprica starts in five minutes! [starts moving faster, but the wheelbarrow soon falls apart and he's left sitting on his balls.] Huh-oh Jesus! [looks around, unsure of what to do] Ugh, ohh. [tries to get his feet on the ground, but can't] Uhh, hey, can somebody..? [puffs on the joint, then pulls at his scrotum] ...Rrrr. Ugh, I gotta get home. [gets off his balls and starts pulling them down the street. He sits on them again and bounces on them] Hey, hey, hey, this can work. This could... Hey, it's like a hoppity hop. Aaahah. Whoa-ho. [bounces down the sidewalk] Scene Description: South Park, day. People stop and stare as Randy bounces down the street on his balls. He's laughing all the while. Scene Description: Elsewhere in South Park, Cartman walks into an alley and looks around. Further in the alley he runs across a man Cartman: Are you Teabag? Teabag: Maybe I am. Who's askin'? Cartman: Cut the crap. You got the stuff? Teabag: Oh, I got the hookup. Question is, you got the money? [Cartman hands him a wad of bills] Alright, we're in biz. [turns right and grabs a couple of bags of KFC food, then hands them to Cartman, who looks inside each bag] It's all there, man. Cartman: Extra crispy? [opens a small bowl of gravy and samples it carefully] Teabag: 'Course, man, I ain't no fool. Cartman: You trying to fuck me dude? This is cut with Boston Market gravy! Teabag: Awww, it's all the same shit, man. Cartman: IT'S NOT THE SAME SHIT! [reaches behind his back for a pistol and aims it at Teabag] Teabag: Okay okay I'm sorry, oh... [gets on his knees and shields his face] Cartman: You're cuttin' Colonel's gravy with Boston Market to try and save yourself some fuckin' money! Teabag: I'll take back the gravy. Cartman: [lunges at him with the pistol, making him get on all fours] Like anybody wants KFC without gravy! Teabag: AAAH please. Please, I'm sorry! Take your money back! Take the KFC too! [Barbrady walks by and stops to look] Barbrady: What's going on back there? Cartman: Nothin', it's cool. Scene Description: A table, evening. Jimbo and Ned are shown playing poker Jimbo: Alright, I'll call. Forty-five to you Ned. Randy: [puffs on a joint and coughs] Oh man. This Rainy Day Woman is the bomb. You guys don't know what you're missing. Peter Nelson: Well you know, you could share some of that with us, Randy. Randy: No, Peter Nelson, that's illegal! I can smoke this because I have cancer. Player 1: Aw some on, just give us a little bit. Player 2: Yeah. Randy: Get your own medicinal marijuana cards! You've all got perfectly good microwaves at home! Look, I'm telling you guys, it's awesome. I can have all the pot I want, I get around faster than walking, and, wherever I need a seat, I can just sit on my balls. And let me tell you something else. [a player listens a little more closely] Chicks... love 'em. Peter Nelson: Women love huge balls? Randy: Loove 'em. Everywhere I go, when I walk by, chicks are like turning their heads and going "whaaa?" I never knew how much women love guys' balls until I got these puppies. [pats his balls] Woman 1: Travis, did you take out the garba-whaaa? [backs up at the sight of Randy's balls, then runs off] Randy: See? Scene Description: Billy Miller's house, later. Cartman walks down the stairs with the bags of KFC he got from Teabag. Billy: Cartman my boy, you got the stuff? Cartman: Yeah I got the stuff. [the other boys carry the bags away] And I got the money. [tosses the wad of bills back at Billy] Billy: Heyyy you're good Eric. I need people like you! Cartman: Good, 'cause I ate a bunch of chicken on the way over here. [burps] Billy: That's alright Eric. I've got something big in the works. What if I told you... that I now have a direct line to get all the KFC we want here? I'm sending Tommy to Kentucky, to try and set up a little "arrangement" with the Colonel himself. Cartman: Wait a minute. You mean THE Colonel? Billy: That's right. And I'd like you to go as well and watch Tommy's back for me. Is that something you'd want to do? Cartman: Is that something I'd want to do? Is the Pope Catholic? And making the world safe for pedophiles? Billy: Excellent. Scene Description: Dr. Doctor's office, day. A nurse walks in with an envelope Nurse: Doctor, Mr. Klein's test results came in. [hands the envelope to the doctor, who opens it and pulls the results out] Dr. Doctor: What the hell is going on? Nurse: Doctor? Dr. Doctor: This is the tenth case I've seen this week. It can't be a coincidence. Something in this town is giving men testicular cancer. Scene Description: South Park, day. Silly music plays as a line of men bounce down the sidewalk on their swollen balls, smoking pot all the while. The line of men consists of the poker players from Travis' place. Jimbo: Heh! Man, I am stoned off my ass! Player 3: I'm stoned off my balls! [another man laughs] Scene Description: Café Monet, day. The line of men hops past Randy: Anybody got more of that loompa loompa weed? Woman 2: Wow. Those guys have nice balls. Woman 3: Wish my man had balls like those. Woman 2: Mmm. Scene Description: Corbin, Kentucky, the Colonel's home, day. The Colonel is giving a tour of the place to Tommy and Cartman The Colonel: Our entire production is headquartered here, boys. We move over sixteen tons of chicken every month. Of course, with the new laws in Colorado my business has taken quite a hit. I'm worried other states might follow suit. Tommy: We know, Colonel, but we can get your chicken into the state. We just need a bulk deal, say, four ninety five a key? Cartman: I've got to hand it to you, Colonel. You have everything a man could want. The Colonel: I like you, Eric. There's no lying in you. Unfortunately, I don't feel the same about your friend. Cartman: Who? You mean Tommy? [looks over at Tommy, then stops walking. The Colonel stops as well - Tommy is missing.] Wait, where's he go? The Colonel: Your partner is an informant for Jamie Oliver. [hands him some binoculars and shows him where Tommy is. Through the binoculars, Cartman sees Tommy being roughed up by two men inside a helicopter. One of the men shows Tommy where Cartman is. There's a noose around Tommy's neck. The guy who shows him where Cartman is throws him out of the helicopter and hangs him. Cartman is stunned, but quickly gets over it and laughs] Cartman: Dude, that was sweet! He's all choked. The Colonel: And how do I know you're not a liar too? Cartman: Hey, Colonel! I've been your biggest supporter since I was two years old! I love your chicken! I love you! The Colonel: I think... you and me can work this thing out, Eric. Do business together a long time. Cartman: Good. The Colonel: Just remember, I only tell you one time. Don't fuck me, Eric. Don't you ever try to fuck me. [Cartman keeps his mouth shut] Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. Randy is by the sliding doors in back of the house, as his balls are too big for the front door now. Sharon: [walks up] Randy! Randy, will you look at yourself? Your balls are getting bigger. Randy: I know. They're pretty swollen. Kinda hurts. I'm gonna buy some more weed. Sharon: Randy, please. When you get back, do you think maybe we could make love again? [looks down at his balls] Randy: Ohhh, someone's feeling frisky again. huh? Sharon: Oh, it's just that I thought that more alone time would maybe be really- Randy: Hey. My eyes are up here. Sharon: I'm sorry, I just... Randy: It's alright, I just want you to look at me when we make love and not just at my balls. I'll be home soon, babe. [sends her an air kiss and hops out] Scene Description: Medicinal marijuana dispensary, day. The same silly music from before plays. Randy hops up to the front door and opens it. He tries to hop in, but the balls are way too big, causing the music to stop. He gets off his balls and tries to shove them in Randy: Hey uh, could you uh, give me half a pound of that Suburban Sunrise, please? Clerk: I'm sorry sir, but you have to be inside the store. Randy: Well eh, I'm right here, can you just... bring it over? Clerk: Selling medicinal marijuana outside the confines of an approved shop is still illegal. Scene Description: Randy tries to fit his balls through the door, grunting and murmuring from time to time, but they're just too damn big. He props them up so that he can shove them in with his ass, but they still won't go through Randy: Look I'm startin' to feel kind of stupid; can I please get high? Scene Description: Billy Miller's cellar, day. As Billy's boys move the KFC around this basement warehouse, Billy is talking to Cartman Billy: What, are you crazy Eric?! Making a deal with the Colonel for ten thousand more boxes?! I can't move that much chicken! Cartman: [munching on a breast from a bucket] Will you relax, Billy? It's fine! Billy: ...Fine? I'm not making any money here! I'm losing it! I have to pay for more security, I got the cops up my ass, and I have to pay for all these orders to cut the chicken for distribution! Cartman: [munching on a drumstick, his back to Billy] Billy, Billy, we've gotta be thinking bigger here! It's time to expand! Billy: How can I expand when thirty-six percent of our product is going to you?! Get out there and sell the chicken or get lost! You've forgotten who the boss of this operation is, Eric! Cartman: ...Yeah welll, you're not gonna be around a lot longer. Billy: What is that supposed to mean? Cartman: I... [turns around to face Billy] told your mom you got an F on that social studies test. Billy: [suddenly vulnerable] You wouldn't do that. Cartman: Does a bear crap in the woods? And does the Pope crap on the broken lives and dreams of two hundred deaf boys? Billy's Mom: Billy?! Your father and I want to talk to you! Cartman: Bye bye Billy. [Billy leaves] Alright everyone listen up! I'm in charge now! Anybody got a problem with that? Alright, good. Scene Description: Medicinal marijuana dispensary, day. The poker players are bouncing around the dispensary's parking lot in protest. The clerk, the mayor and her aides, and a small crowd are watching these men Randy: What do we want? Men: Bigger doors! Randy: Where do we want them? Men: Weed stores! Randy: What do we want? Men: Bigger doors! Randy: Where do we want them? Men: Weed stores! Clerk: Look, I'm sorry, but the bill says I can't modify any existing structure. Man 1: Well I guess we could change the law to allow for medicinal marijuana to be sold just outside the door of the shop. Man 2: Egah I don't know, maybe the rule should be somebody can buy the medicinal weed for others. Clerk: Look, can't we skip all this and just make pot legal? Everyone is just abusing this medicinal system anyway, it's ridiculous. Man 3: What's ridiculous about it? Dr. Doctor: [runs through the crowd] Hold on, hold people people, please! [stops] We are all forgetting what is really at issue here! Look around! These men all have cancer! It's no coincidence that when this building changed, the rise in cancer went up. Don't you see? The KFC was keeping people healthy! Scene Description: Billy's basement, day. Cartman has squandered everything Billy has worked for by eating all the chicken. Tough Boy 2: Mr. Cartman, come on. We're supposed to be handling the business; you're eating too much of the stuff. Cartman: Shut up Kevin! I'm the boss, not you, buttlicker! Tough Boy 3: Eric, the Colonel is on the phone for you. He sounds pissed. Cartman: What?! Oh, that's right, I forgot to- Dammit! Uh, okay. [leaves the throne] Put him on speaker. The Colonel: Hello. Hello?? Cartman: Colonel, how are you doing? The Colonel: What happened? Cartman: [rips the skin off a breast and lays it on the table] Oh, we had some problems, you know? Colonel? [takes out a credit card and starts mincing the skin as if it were crack cocaine, into lines of finely ground skin] The Colonel: Eric, what happened?? Cartman: We had a little problem. The Colonel: I heard. Cartman: [snorts a line into his nose] Yeah? How'd, how'd you hear that? The Colonel: Because Jamie Oliver gave his speech at the UN today. He was not supposed to give that speech, Eric! Cartman: Hey that's okay, we'll get him next time. The Colonel: There's not going to be a next time you fucking dumb cocksucker! Cartman: Hey, take it easy Colonel. The Colonel: I told you a long time ago, you fucking little monkey, not to fuck me! Cartman: [grabs the phone] Hey! Hey who the fuck do you think you're talking to, huh?! Huh?! [hears someone breaking in and looks over his shoulder] Oh crap! [five men pour into the basement and start firing their machine guns at the boys, who scatter and try to escape. Two more men jump into the basement. More men outside the house begin firing their weapons. The police arrive and begin firing at the attackers] Barbrady: Freeze! Henchman: It's the cops! [Barbrady kills him. Another attacker is killed nearby. Cartman looks outside from the basement and begins his escape. Billy and his mom begin their escape as well, but through the front door] Billy's Mom: Run Billy, run! [a bullet kills her. Cartman leaves the basement and escapes] Billy: Mommy, no! Scene Description: South Park City Hall, day. The top city officials are there, including the Mayor and her aides, Sgt. Yates and Murphy, and Dr. Doctor. Officer Barbrady addresses the crowd Barbrady: Last November, this town passed a bill that seemed silly to some. Since then we've had underground black markets, crime, death, and shootings. But now the bill has been repealed, and I am relieved to announce that once again, marijuana is illegal. [the crowd cheers, and Dr. Doctor takes the mic] Dr. Doctor: And another bill has been repealed as well. Because ever since we got rid of KFC, we've seen a great rise in cancer. But today we welcome back KFC, and all the medical benefits it gives us. [the store has been renamed MFC - Medicinal Fried Chicken] Randy: Well I got to admit, it's a lot easier to get in doors with my little prosthetic balls. [Sharon folds her arms and looks up and away angrily] Sharon: Yeah. Great. Randy: Aw, Sharon, don't be upset. The doctor made you a souvenir. [reaches into a bag and pulls out a flesh-colored winter coat. Sharon looks at it and grins instantly] Sharon: Randy, I love it! [puts it on and strikes a few poses] Randy: And when it gets cold it shrinks. [two women approach them] Nelly's Mom: Sharon, you got a scrotum coat? Sharon: Yyyup! Woman 5: Luckyyyyy!

Scene Description: Kyle's room, day. Kyle is at his computer. Kenny's on his laptop on Kyle's bed while Cartman is on the Internet on his phone. Cartman: I've got more friends than Ky-yle! I've got more friends than Ky-yle! Kyle: How the hell do you have more friends than me? Cartman: 'Cause people think I'm cool, dude. Kyle: How many friends do you have, Kenny? Kenny: (Sixty two.) Kyle: What? How the hell do I only have thirty seven friends? Stan: [walks in] Aww, are you guys doing that stupid Facebook stuff again? Cartman: [retorts] Stupid Facebok stuff. Stan: Why are you guys in here wasting your time? We're supposed to be out playing video games. Kyle: Stan, you don't get how cool Facebook has become. You can message your friends, play Yahtzee with your friends, even start your own virtual farm and have your friends visit it. Stan: Dude, who the hell wants to play Yahtzee? Cartman: Stan, we know it's hard to get started, but we have a little surprise for you. Kyle: Yeah dude, we made you your own Facebook page. [smiles] Cartman: Surprise! [smiles] Stan: Noo, I told you guys I don't wanna be on Facebook! Kyle: Yeah, but now you can be friends with all of us! Kenny: (Yeah!) Stan: I'm not collecting friends and I'm not building any farms! I don't wanna get sucked into this! Cartman: Alright, fine dude, you don't have to add any friends. You can just be like Kip Drordy. Stan: Who? Cartman: Kip Drordy, the third grader? He's got nooo Facebook friends. [begins to gloat] And he's had a profile for more than six months. Kyle: Aww gee, that's... so sad. Everyone should have one Facebook friend. Stan: You guys are retarded, I'm playing Xbox. [turns around and walks out.] Kyle: There's really people out there without a Facebook friend in the world? That's so wrong. Scene Description: Kip Drordy's room, day. Kip sits there on his stool, a lonely figure with a misshapen head, looking at his monitor, hoping for a friend to finally appear on his Facebook page. "You have 0 friends." He looks away from the monitor and sighs, wiping a tear from his nose. A small pop-up window appears. Kip looks at it, then startles himself. He gets to his keyboard and reads the window: "Kyle Broflovski has added you as a friend." He rubs his eyes in disbelief and looks again. "Confirm Kyle as your friend?" He moves the cursor down to the "Confirm" button and clicks on it. Now his page reads "You have 1 friends." Kip: [getting excited] Ahhhhh. [gets off his stool and runs around the room] Haaa! Haaaaaaaaaa! Yeah! [opens the door, runs out of his room and down the stairs and into the kitchen] Scene Description: Kitchen, day. Kip: Mom, Dad! I made a friend today! Kip's mom: Kip, really? Kip's dad: You did? Kip: Yeah!! [jumps for joy] Kip's dad: Huh son, that's wonderful. Kip's mom: What's his name? Kip: Kyle Broflovski! He's a student, and his interests include video games and reading. Kip's mom: Oh, is he a nice boy? Kip: Oh, he's the best, Mom! He has a green hat, and he wants the world to stop talking about ninjas. Oh! I need to tell him what I'm currently thinking about! What am I currently thinking about?! [runs back to his room] Scene Description: The Marsh dining room, evening. Stan is at the table doing homework. Randy pops in from the kitchen. Randy: Hey Stan, I was on my computer at work and saw that you have a Facebook page now? Stan: Yeah, Dad, I was kinda forced to. Randy: Well sooo... are you gonna add me as a friend? Stan: [looks over his shoulder] No- Dad, I I really don't wanna get more into it. Randy: ...Oh okay. [walks away, but returns a few seconds later] So I'm, I'm not your friend then? Stan: ...Dad, you are my friend. Randy: ...But you just don't wanna, add me, as a friend? Stan: Dad, it's just a stupid click of a button, it takes two seconds! Randy: Right, but you don't have... the two seconds orrr? Stan: I just wanna do my homework! Randy: Alright, fine. [walks away again. Stan puts his face in his left palm, then gets back to homework. Randy returns...] Just to be clear, you and I are not... friends? Stan: Alright, Dad, I'll add you! Randy: Oh cool! Okay. [walks away] Scene Description: The Drordy house, night. The parents are watching TV from their sofa. Kip runs in. Kip: Mom, Dad, my best friend Kyle? He went to the dentist yesterday, and got two fillings! And today he's wondering if Hurt Locker really deserved the Oscar! Kip's mom: That's great, Kip! Kip: Yeah! [runs off] Kip's dad: They sure are getting to know each other. Kip's mom: It's amazing! You know Kip spent the morning at the boy's farm? Kip's dad: His friend lives on a farm? Scene Description: Kyle's room, night. He's at his computer working on his farm - in Farmville. Kyle: I think I'll add some more... pigs. [done] Oh, maybe I should put in another field of corn there. [moves his avatar to his corn fields and adds one] There we go. Nice. [a click and a small whoosh are heard, and Kyle looks at his screen. "You have 29 friends"] Twenty nine? No, I have thirty friends. [a click and a small whoosh are heard. "You have 28 friends." More of these sounds are heard as Kyle's friend count drops] Hey what the hell is-? Oh no! Oh shit! [Kyle does what he can, but keeps losing friends] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Stan is at his locker switching books. Wendy walks up behind him. Wendy: Am I a joke to you? Stan: [stops moving, then turns around] What? Wendy: I just wanna know, is that all I am? A big joke? Stan: ...Um, no? Wendy: You DO have a Facebook page, Stan! Stan: Oh Goddamnit no! I just got that because Kyle- Wendy: Yeah well I saw your page, Stan! Relationship status? Single? Stan: Relationship stat- I didn't even pay any attention to that- Wendy: You like being single, Stan? So that you could Facebook to find other girls?! According to your Facebook page, [crosses her arms] we aren't friends! Stan: Alright, I'll add you as a friend. I'm sorry. Wendy: And you'd BETTER change your relationship status to "In a relationship"! Stan: How? Wendy: By editing your profile under "basic information"! Stan: Okay, I'm sorry! Scene Description: Stan's room, night. He's at his computer editing his profile. Stan: "Edit profile. Basic... settings" Jesus Christ! Randy: Stan? Why won't you be friends with Grandma? Stan: ...Aw. Dad, I just really don't wanna pay attention to this thing! Randy: Grandma is in the hospital! And you won't even be friends with her! Stan: Alright, Dad, I'll add Grandma as a friend. Randy: That's better. Oh, and I sent you a funny picture and you didn't respond to it. [walks away] Stan: Dude, fuck Facebook! Seriously! [an update pops up] What the hell is this?! Podcast? Cartman: [in a video podcast] Welcome to Cartman's Incredible Podcast! [Mad Friends podcast. Cartman sits behind a Mad Friends desk. At the bottom of the screen are two tickers. The upper one shows changes in friend stocks, the lower one shows Facebook updates] Hello fellow Facebookers, I'm here to do one thing: get you more friends! [rings a bell and leaves his chair] Looking around Facebook today we see that since adding loser Kip Drordy as a friend, Kyle Broflovski's stock is plummeting! He had 55 friends just two days ago, he's down to just 11 this morning. Run to your Facebook account and delete Kyle from your friend list because he is poison and I don't see him making a comeback any time soon. [presses a big red button, which produces a shotgun blast] You're gonna want to dump Kyle and if at all possible add Clyde Donovan. Why? [shows a birthday cake] Birthday! That's right, Clyde has a birthday coming up and his mom is taking everyone to Casa Bonita. [presses a button that produces the sound of a whistle] If you don't have Clyde as a friend, you're gonna want to add him, because Clyde's numbers are about to go way up! And now, Word On The Street. [cranks up a player that repeats "Word On The Street"] The rumors are now becoming more than that; Jimmy and Bebe have agreed to share their friends. That's right. Looks like we're about to have a merger [presses a robot that says "MERGER"] So if you're a friend of Jimmy's you're about to luck into about 90 chick friends, and as we all know, chick friends are worth almost triple what dude friends are. That's all the time I have for today. Remember, update that profile, and steer clear of Kyle! Scene Description: The Marsh living room, nighttime. A knock is heard at the front door and Stan walks to the door and opens it. It's raining outside and Kyle is on the steps. He sniffles. Kyle: Can I come in? Stan: Sure dude. [Kyle enters, still sniffling] Dude, what's the matter? Scene Description: Kyle turns to face his friend, tears in his eyes. Kyle: I... don't... have... any... friends... Stan: What? Kyle: I mean, I do, but, well, ever since I became friends with that Kip Drordy kid, a bunch of my other friends have started ignoring me. It would be fine except for my farm is starting to shrink. I know that I should just dump Kip as a friend, but that's such a terrible thing to do and, I'm sorry I'm just so confused I... I really need a friend right now. Stan: Okay dude, I'm I'm here for you. Kyle: 'K, so then get on Facebook and fertilize my crops? Stan: NO! Kyle: Pleahehese! My farm hasn't expanded in three days! Stan: Dude, I've already had to become friends with all of Wendy's frends and my grandma's friends! I do NOT want to start doing all the farming stuff too! I'm not getting sucked into that! Kyle: [rushes up to Stan, falls on his knees, and grabs the lower part of his friend's jacket] You don't get sucked into it! You don't get sucked in at all! Plehehehehehease! Stan: [frustrated] Ah, fuck. Scene Description: Stan's room, moments later. Stan is at his computer while Kyle watches on his phone. Stan: Okay it says I'm at your farm. Kyle: 'Kay, so now just click on the little soil button... [Stan does so] and then maybe put a sign up to comment on my farm... [Stan does so] Okay, now I can read the sign you put up... Stan: 'Kay, it says you and I are now very good friends. Kyle: Yeah. We're very good friends. We're very good friends, Stan! Scene Description: The Drordy house, day. The family is in the kitchen. Kip and his father are at the table eating while his mom is in the kitchen proper serving herself. Kip's dad: So Kip, you spend more time with your buddy Kyle today? Kip: Oh yeah Dad, we've been havin' the best time! I showed him all the pictures of me and that silly Halloween costume last year. Kip's mom: [joins the boys at the table] Oh, what'd he say about those? Kip: He laughed out loud. And then he was rollin' on the floor laughin'! Kip's dad: Sounds like you boys had a ball! Kip: Mom, Dad, I'm all done. Can I go hang out with Kyle and tell him all about what I had for dinner? Kip's dad: Well it's a little late, but it is Friday. Kip's mom: I think the more time you spend with your little friend, the better. Kip: Wow, thanks! [runs out of the kitchen] Kip's mom: Have fun and be safe! [Kip runs through the living room and upstairs, then enters his own room] Scene Description: Kip's room, night. Kip runs to his computer and gets onto Facebook. He begins to type. Kip: Ate a pork chop for dinner. Had nice apple sauce too. [clicks on Share, and there's his status. He waits for a reply, from 7:20 to... 8:30. He gets a reply: Kyle likes the post] Hahaa haha! Yeah! [gets off his chair and dances around] Yeah, yeah, yeah! Scene Description: South Park, day. Stan exits a Comic store with some comic books and turns right, only to stop when he sees Wendy. Wendy: "I think you look cute in your bunny costume." Stan: What? Wendy: "I think you look cute in your bunny costume." What is that supposed to mean?! Stan: ...I have no idea. Wendy: That's what Susan92 wrote on your Facebook wall! You give girls pictures of you in bunny outfits?! Fuck you! [walks off angrily] Stan: [turns to see her walk off] Susan92 is a friend of my grandma's and she's 92 years old! [turns around and continues on his way. He walks by an electronics store] Man 1: [standing in the doorway with a cigarette in his left hand] Oh hey Stan, I'm your friend Brian through your uncle Jimbo? Hey I commented on your status but I haven't heard back from you. Could you give me a poke sometime soon? Stan: Fine! [continues walking, but a car pulls up next to him.] Man 2: Hey kid, how come you ignored my friend request? Stan: [looks at him like he's crazy] I don't know you! Man 2: Yeah, well I'm just a guy that gets ignored, I guess! [spits on Stan and drives off, Stan begins to shake in anger] Scene Description: Stan's computer, later. He's looking at his Facebook page, still steaming from his encounters outside Comic Factory. "You have 845,000 friends". Randy: Stan? Grandma said she poked you and you haven't sent a poke back. Stan: ...Dad, I didn't even wanna do th- Randy: Stan, poke your grandma! Stan: [squeezes his eyes shut and stays still for a moment] No. NO! Screw this! You know what? "Edit Profile > Update Profile." There! "Delete Profile"! [reads the popup] "You have requested to delete your Facebook profile. If this is an error, hit Cancel" Proceed! [presses "Proceed," then reads the next popup.] "Delete yor profile, are you sure? Yes. No." Yes! "Are you totally sure?" Yes! [clicks on it and his screen goes black. A blinking amber cursor appears] Computer voice: [the following words appear onscreen] I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Stan Marsh. Stan: You can't let me do that? What are you talking about? [his monitor has a built-in Webcam] Computer voice: I'm gonna have to put you on the game grid. Stan: Delete Profile! "Are you totally sure? Yes or-" Yes! Goddamnit yes! Delete! Delete delete! [the webcam lights up and shoots a laser at Stan's forehead, knocking him back on his chair. It then sets up boxes of energy around his body] Hey Dad? [the camera begins scanning him in bit by bit, pixel by pixel] Dad? [He disappeared from his chair and he transported through the webcam. He soon appears on a virtual floor after traveling down some tunnels] Oh dude, what the fuck? [Neon lights appear all over] Scene Description: Inside the game grid. Three guards approach him. Guard 1: Alright get moving, Profile. Stan: Profile? I'm not a profile. Guard 1: Ignore. [shocks him with an electric prod.] Stan: AAH. [The guards escort Stan away] Profile 1: Tom Davis says hello to Linda Green's profile. Profile 2: Linda Davis likes how Tom Davis has changed his status. Stan: Excuse me, my name is- Profile 3: Ignore. Stan: Eh hey, could you tell me how I- Profile 4: Ignore. Stan: [realizes where he is] Aw Goddamnit I got sucked into Facebook! Scene Description: Mad Friends, which is being broadcast from Cartman's basement. Kyle has made it onto Cartman's podcast. Kyle: I don't know what to do. I just can't seem to get my friend numbers to go up. I'm desperate. That's why I came to you. Cartman: You're very smart, Kyle. But the truth is, as long as you have that Kip Drordy loser as a Facebook friend, people view your friendship as a liability. You gotta dump him. Kyle: I can't do that, I'd just feel too bad. Cartman: Well Kyle, then what you have to do is go outside the normal circles and try to make friends with people who've never heard of Kip. Kyle: I've been trying! But I just don't know how to make totally new friends on the Internet. Cartman: It's not as hard as it sounds, Kyle. Have you ever heard of chatroulette? Kyle: No. What's chatroulette? Scene Description: Cartman's room, later. Cartman is at his computer while Kyle sits on a chair looking on. Cartman: Yep, finding new friends is easier today than ever before. We just set ourselves up on webcam, and then the computer will randomly put us with one of the fifty thousand people online also doing chatroulette. Kyle: Hey, uh that's, that's kinda cool. Cartman: Uh huh. Alright, let's see who our first chat partner is. Connect. Kyle: [a look of disgust comes over him] Aww, that's some dude jacking off! [turns away quickly] Cartman: Oh yeah, you get those sometimes. We'll just click to the next person. There we go. Hello? Kyle: That's just a guy's penis too! Cartman: Okay let's, let's try this one. Kyle: [turns away quickly] Dude, I don't wanna see a bunch of guys' penises! Cartman: Hold on, Kyle! This is seriously an amazing gathering place where people from all over the world can share their thoughts and ideas. [goes onto the next person] Okay, that's a dude jacking off, but... 'Kay, dude jacking off... Penis... Penis... Penis penis penis. Ah! Here's a guy! Hey dude, how's it going? Dude: [waves] Hey. Cartman: This is my friend Kyle. He's looking for some new friends. Dude: Oh yeah? [leaves his chair and goes to the other end of his room, turns around, unzips his pants] Cartman: Ohh, he's taking out his penis. Okay, next guy... Kyle: Dude, screw this! I don't wanna see anymore! Cartman: Kyle, this is the way the world works! If you wanna find some quality friends, you've gotta wade through all the dicks first! Scene Description: The game grid. Stan walks around. Stan: Excuse me. Could you tell me what the hell's going on? Tom Davis: No, you aren't my friend. Would you like to be my friend? Stan: No, I seriously don't want any more friends. Tom Davis: Ignore. [turns to talk to another profile] So anyway, I really like taking long walks in the summer, you know, because there's like Stan: Okay I'll be your friend. Tom Davis: [turns back to Stan] Confirm. [both of them feel a surge of energy in their game suits, shown by the suits lighting up, then it disappears] Oooo, Tom Davis is thrilled to have become powerful by adding a new friend. Here are some pictures of my dog. And here he is in some silly outfits. Can you comment on these? Stan: Awww! Guard: [comes up behind Stan] Move it, profile! Tom Davis: Oh oh. Stan: Why oh oh? Profile 5: They're taking him to the gaming arena. Tom Davis: Looks like I'm gonna be down a friend. [the guards escort Stan to the arena, shocking him once in a while. Another profile appears next to him] Referee: You are about to face each other in combat! You will play the game for the amusement of the users! [the arena is activated and Stan and the other profile are sent in] Let the game commence! [they face each other and virtual bikes pop up under them, lifting them off the floor. The bikes are replaced with a table and two stools and a guard brings a game of Yahtzee to the table.] Stan: Yahtzee? Referee: One round only! Begin! [the opposing profile rolls first, leaves a pair of 3s and scoops up three dice, rolls again] Profile 6: Uhhh, I'm gonna count five in my five box. Stan: Can't we play on speeder bikes or something? Guard: [shocks him] Play, profile! Stan: [rolls and gets five 4s] Yahtzee. [the other profile gasps and vanishes in a fair bit of pain] Scene Description: Cartman's room, later. Cartman is still clicking through chatroulette chatters. Cartman: Dude jacking off... Dude jacking off... [coughs to clear his throat] That's a dude jacking off... Kyle: That's it Cartman, I'm outta here! [walks to the bedroom door] Chatroulette is no way for me to find new friends! [about to open the door] Cartman: Waitwait wait wait, wait Kyle! [Kyle turns and goes back to Cartman's desk.] Here's a nice little Jewish kid. Hey, hi there. Boy: Hello. Cartman: Yeah hey, nice to meet you. My friend Kyle is a Jew too. Boy: Oh that's cool. I was startin' to think this was nothin' but dudes jackin' off. Kyle: Hey, so... do you wanna be Facebook friends? Boy: Uhh, sure. If you'll come and visit my farm. Kyle: Heck yeah I'll visit your farm! You should check mine out too! Scene Description: The Drordy house, day, kitchen. Mr. Drordy reads The World News, Mrs. Drordy is drying dishes. Kip's dad: Honey, where's Kip? I haven't seen him all day. Kip's mom: No, he's been out spending the whole day with his best friend Kyle. I think they're at the movies now. Scene Description: The Bijou. Kip is in the audience enjoying the hell out of himself. He's watching a 3D movie with everyone else, as they're all wearing 3D glasses. He spills some popcorn onto an open laptop he brought with him. Kyle's Facebook page appears on the laptop screen. Kip takes out a camera and snaps a shot of himself and his laptop Scene Description: [The gaming arena. The referee is angry...] Referee: Troublemaker! You were not supposed to survive the game of Yahtzee! You have made things complicated! Stan: I've made them complicated?! I don't even wanna be here! Referee: That's not what your profile said. Stan: My profile? Goddamnit my Facebook profile has taken on a life of its own! Where is it?! Referee: Your profile is one of the most powerful in all of Facebook. You cannot stop it now. Stan: Oh yeah? I can try! [turns around and walks through a wall] Referee: After him! Scene Description: Kyle's Facebook page. Kyle is working on his farm again. Kyle: Okay, I fed the pigs. Now I definitely should water some fields... Oh wow, cool. That Jewish kid put up a sign on my farm. "Hey Kyle, really like your farm." Oh awesome! [a new sound is heard] What the hell is that? Stan? [Stan appears on Kyle's farm and walks to the middle of the screen] Stan: You're an asshole, Kyle! Kyle: [perplexed] ...What? Stan: What's the one thing I told you?! That I didn't wanna get sucked into Facebook! This is all your fault! Kyle: [looks around making sure the coast is clear] Dude, w-what are you doing? Stan: What's it look like I'm doing?! I found your farm in Facebook so you can help me deal with this bullshit! You've gotta go check out my profile status! Kyle: Profile status? Stan: Just bring up my Facebook page and see what it says my status is! Kyle: Well, Stan I have to harvest my crops before it's too late. Stan: DUDE! Fuck your crops! [walks up to Kyle's corn and starts ripping the stalks up] Kyle: Dude! Dude okay! S-Stop! I'm sorry! [pulls up Stan's status] Says that you are currently... hosting an online chat party for all your friends. Stan: Where? Kyle: Café World. Stan: Son of a bitch! [runs back to the barn he came out of] Kyle: An online chat party for all his friends... Dude, I should get over there! Scene Description: Café World. Stan approaches the entrance, which has a sign next to it: "Friends of Stan Marsh Online Chat Party". He enters and is overwhelmed by the number of people in the café. Stan: Jesus Christ. Randy's profile: Randy Marsh is at work right now. Work is boring. Butters' profile: Butters Stotch is enjoying Stan's chat party. Garrison's profile: Herbert Garrison likes Butters' comment. Grandma Marsh's profile: Grandma Marsh would like to be friends with Kevin Donahue. Kevin Donahue's profile: Kevin Donahue accept's Grandma Marsh's friendship. Stan: Has anybody seen my stupid profile?! Susan92's profile: Susan92 has pictures of Stan in a bunny costume. Gary Johnson's profile: Gary Johnson thinks the pictures are fantastic! Kyle: Wow, there's a lot of profiles here. Kyle Broflovski's amazed Stan has so many Facebook friends. Hey, Kyle Broflovski's amazed Isiah is also a Facebook friend of Stan's. Isiah: Isiah's order is on leaving Kyle Broflovski as a friend. Kyle: What? Why? Isiah: User saw you were friends with Kip Drordy, who only has one friend. Kyle Broflovski is bad friend stock. Kyle: Oh n-no, I'm not really friends with him. Isiah: Ignore. Kyle: Unh, that does it! Stan: Alright alright, enough! Everybody just SHUT UP! [everyone shuts up and looks at him] Where is profile Stan Marsh?! [the room begins to rumble] Profile Stan Marsh: [rising from the ground] Right here. Stan: Uh-oh... Scene Description: Kyle's room, night. Kyle is at his desk thinking about how to break the news to Kip. Kyle: I'm sorry, Kip, but I really can't be your friend anymore. It was a great ride, but I must say goodbye. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but ending a friendship... is never easy. [moves the cursor to the Send button and clicks it. With the message sent, Kyle moves the cursor to the left side of the screen and selects "Remove from Friends," and clicks that. A popup window shows up: "Kip Drordy - Remove from Friends?" He clicks on "Remove from Friends" and Facebook tells him his friend is removed.] Scene Description: Kip's room, night. He's at his computer typing along happily when he sees Kyle's message. He's disheartened. Kyle disappears from his friend list and he's back down to 0 friends. Kip leaves his stool and walks over to a wall on which he has a large picture of Kyle. He takes the picture down and returns to his stool, and sighs. Scene Description: The gaming arena. Stan and his profile face off. His profile is ten times bigger than Stan himself is, towering over him. Stan: What do you want from me, dude?! Profile Stan Marsh: I'm your profile, and as you can see, I am much more powerful than you. Stan: Damnit I should have deleted you a long time ago! Profile Stan Marsh: [gets down on one knee to Stan's eye level] Why do you think I brought you in here? The fact of the matter is I'm up and running now with almost a million friends. I don't need you anymore. I have more friends than you'll ever have in the real world. Stan: Who cares? Friends shouldn't be some kind of... commodity for a person's status! Profile Stan Marsh: Who is more powerful? The user or the profile? Let's end this once and for all. [the Yahtzee platform appears under them] Referee: Let the final battle begin! [the crowd drops down, or the platform rises. Hard to tell. The table and two stools appear and a guard brings the Yahtzee board game over] Stan: Fuckin' Yahtzee again? Seriously? [his giant profile takes a seat and rolls the dice] Profile Stan Marsh: What did I tell you?! That's a large flush already! You don't have a chance in here, user! You pathetic little- Stan: Yahtzee. Profile Stan Marsh: What?! Stan: Yahtzee. Sixes. Profile Stan Marsh: No. Can't be. Randy: Yahtzee! Profile Stan Marsh: No! Ahhhhh! [vanishes in a fair bit of pain. After some silence, Stan disappears from the arena and is reassembled back on his chair at home] Scene Description: Stan's room, moments later. Stan: Awgh! [catches his breath. With his profile destroyed, Stan sees that he has 0 friends.] Oh thank God. Randy: Hey Stan, my computer says we're not friends anymore? Stan: My Facebook profile went rogue, Dad. I had to go into the circuitry and do battle with it. I sent all my friends somewhere else. Randy: Oh okay. So we're, we're not friends, then? Stan: Fuck off, Dad. [turns off the monitor and leaves his desk.] Scene Description: Kip's room, night. Kip is waiting by his computer for a friend, any friend, to appear and become his friend. A sound is heard and all of a sudden Kip has a lot of friends - 845,323 of them - and he's shocked. Then he gets excited all over again. He dances and jumps on his stool.

Scene Description: At fudge factory for a field trip, A tour guide shows Mr. Garrison's class around the factory Tour Guide: Our factory works 24/7 to produce candy, and we have over 500 employees. Here you can see where the cocoa is mixed with the sugar and milk. Cartman: Wow, coo'... [snaps a picture] Chocolate rules! Kyle: You should know, fatass. Cartman: AY! I'm not fat, you sneaky Jew! Stan: Oh God, you guys, really? This again? [the students all move to the next spot in the tour] Tour Guide: And here is where all the fudge is put into boxes to be shipped all over the world. Kyle: Kinda like Cartman's dad shipped out on him. Cartman: I have a dad, butthole. My mom is my dad. Stan: You guys, stop! All you're doing is rehashing a bunch of old stuff! [everyone moves on except Butters, who spots something] Butters: Hey, Stan, isn't that Tom Cruise? Stan: Huh? [Tom Cruise is packing fudge into boxes with a hat pulled low over his face] Oh, wow it is! Hey, guys, check it out. Tom Cruise is a fudge packer! Tom Cruise: What did you call me? Cartman: Hey, that is Tom Cruise! [snaps a picture] Butters: How come you're packin' fudge, Mr. Cruise? Tom Cruise: I'm not a fudge packer! Kyle: Dude, you don't have to be ashamed or anything. Tom Cruise: But I'm not a fudge packer! [packs a block of fudge into a box] Stan: Then why are you packing fudge? Tom Cruise: I'm not. I am a very busy actor who is trying to get away for a week and do some fly fishing! [pushes more fudge into boxes] Stan: Dude, you are in a fudge factory packing fudge. Tom Cruise: Oh, that does it. I will SUE you! Stan: For what? Tom Cruise: You can't just call somebody a fudge packer and get away with it! [Mr. Garrison walks over] Mr. Garrison: Hey, is that fudge packer Tom Cruise? Tom Cruise: That's it! [throws his hat away] I'm suing this entire intolerant town! Stan: But, dude- Tom Cruise: No buts! If you want to accuse somebody of being a fudgepacker, you're gonna pay the consequences! Scene Description: At Tom Cruise's mountain lodge, a big crowd of celebrities has gathered. Tom Cruise: Guys, I want to really thank you all for coming. Shockingly, I've just been slandered once again in the town of South Park, something I know you can all relate to. [all celebrities nod and agree] Tiger Woods: That town just seems to be a hotbed of hatred and lies! Bono: I'm fed up with it. That town suggested that I was made of shit! Tom Cruise: Yeah, well, I was just over there doing a little fly fishing and this little boy walks up and calls me a fudge packer! [The celebrities all are shocked and appealed] I know, right? And then other kids in the town and their teacher start joining in. [Sally Struthers is taking up the whole couch, except for the small place of an annoyed Mickey Mouse.] Sally Struthers: South Park, Colorado, is the most racist, insensitive, and bigoted place in this country! [George Lucas holding onto a ball-gagged Indiana Jones] George Lucas: That town thinks they can say whatever they want about people and get away with it! Paris Hilton: If anyone has a gripe against that shithole, it's me! [coughs up some semen, then rubs it on John Travolta's crotch] Tom Cruise: Yeah, well, I say enough. All of us together can put a stop to that slander coming from that town once and for all! No longer will they make snide remarks about whoever they want. All Celebrities: YEAH! Jared Fogle: Hey, Tom, I ate too much Subway. Where's your bathroom? Tom Cruise: Oh, just the door down the hall there, Jared. [Jared opens the door to find a closet] No, no, no, that's a closet. Go down more. [Jared opens another door, which is also a closet.] No, that's a closet too. [Jared opens a door, and once again it is a closet] Nope, Jared, that's a closet too. [Jared opens another door, it is another closet] No. [Jared opens two more doors, both closets] That's a closet... No that- that's a closet too. Scene Description: At South Park Elementary, Mr. Garrison's class. Principal Victoria: [over the PA system] Stan Marsh to the principal's office. Stan Marsh, come to the principal's office immediately! Kyle: Dude, what did you do? Stan: I have no idea... Scene Description: Walks into Victoria's office to discover his parents, the mayor, the counselor, Kyle's parents, and the police Randy: You just had to push it, didn't you, Stan? You just had to make fun of Tom Cruise again! Principal Victoria: Did you call him a fudge packer? Stan: Aww... he was packing fudge! Mayor: Little boy, you don't understand how serious this is. Tom Cruise has put together a class-action lawsuit, along with 200 other celebrities! Mr. Mackey: They are going to sue the bejezzus out of this entire town, m'kay! Stan: It wasn't just me. Other kids called him a fudge packer, even Mr. Gar- Principal Victoria: But you started it. Mr. Broflovski, tell him what you told us. Gerald: Stan, a class-action lawsuit means the end of this town. We can't possibly go up against their lawyers! Sgt. Yates: Dammit, Marsh, why couldn't you have just kept your stupid ugly kid in line?! Randy: Hey, don't start blaming me for his looks! Scene Description: Back at the fudge factory, Tom Cruise is busy packing fudge as Stan and Randy stand behind him. Stan has taken off his hat and looks at the floor guiltily. Randy: Mr. Cruise, my son is so, so sorry, and he would do anything to take back his hurtful comments. Tom Cruise: That's nice! [punches the button to take away fudge he just packed] I'm still suing you all! Nobody calls me a fudge packer! [pushes fudge into a box] Randy: Yes, it was a terrible mistake. But maybe you could see how, since you do... take fudge and... pack it into a box... [Tom Cruise turns around] Tom Cruise: WHAT? Randy: We-, I-I'm just saying that you are employed currently as a person who... packages... Tom Cruise: I am an actor. I do not pack fudge! [turns around and throws a piece of fudge into a box angrily] Randy: Right, my son just got confused. Because you have a little uniform, and a... hat that says "Fred's Fudge and Candies"... and you are... Look it doesn't matter. Just please withdraw the class-action lawsuit. Nobody in our town will ever call you a fudge packer ever again. [Tom Cruise sighs and backs away from his fudge packing station] Tom Cruise: Well, there is... one thing that your town could do to... maybe make me forget about this lawsuit. Randy: ANYTHING! Anything you want, Mr. Cruise. Tom Cruise: It's just that there's somebody that I have always wanted to meet... face to face. If you could get him to show up in your town- Randy: Sure! Who is it? We can get anybody for you. Tom Cruise: Muhammad. The prophet of the Muslim faith. Stan: Ooooooo... Randy: That's... tricky... Tom Cruise: Well, then you can just get sued! [Returns to packing fudge] Randy: Mr. Cruise, if there is anybody else we could bring to town, we- Tom Cruise: No! Just him. You get Muhammad to appear or your little town is DONE! Scene Description: South Park Town Meeting Hall. Angry chatter is heard while Randy is speaking to the audience, with Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, Mayor and her aides sitting on chairs beside him. Randy: Okay, people, I know, I know. But he will get the other celebrities to withdraw their lawsuit if we just... get Muhammad to appear in South Park. Mr. Garrison: Are you nuts? If Muhammad appears in South Park, we get bombed! [audience shouts in agreement] Stephen: Now we don't know that. Maybe enough time has passed that it is now OKAY to show Muhammad. Kyle: [to Token] Dude, I can't believe we are dealing with this Muhammad thing again. Mr. Mackey: But even if it were safe for Muhammad to be shown, how would we ever find him? Sgt. Yates: Yeah, showing an image of him is completely off limits and censored, so nobody has seen what Muhammad looks like. [shows the whole audience. Stan in the middle raises his hand] Stan: I saw him once. [everyone turns towards Stan] McDaniels: [steps forward] You did? Stan: Yeah, one time, my friends joined David Blaine's cult, and I had to go to the Super Best Friends to rescue them, and Muhammad was one of the Super Best Friends. Mr. Garrison: Oh, and what- he was just out in the open where everybody could see him and nobody got bombed? Stan: No, dude, it was totally fine. Sgt. Yates: Muhammad showed up and there was no violence at all? Stan: Well, a giant John Wilkes Booth shot Abraham Lincoln... Randy: Alright, Stan, that's enough. Jesus, can't learn to shut up, can you? Now look, I believe we CAN find Muhammad. I have done a lot of research and I have completed a sketch of what Muhammad might look like today. [holds up a file and begins to open it] Mr. Garrison: No, don't! [Randy holds it up to reveal a poorly drawn stick figure] Is that okay to show? Jimbo: I don't know. I guess we'll see. Scene Description: Tom Cruise's Lodge Hillary Clinton: Tom, what is up with this Muhammad thing? It doesn't make sense! Jesse Jackson: Yeah, you said we were just suing South Park. Tom Cruise: No, I said we were going to use South Park to make sure we never got ripped on again. Look, people, all of us get ridiculed, but who is the one person on this earth who is completely free from slander? Oprah Winfrey: You want Muhammad because he can't be ridiculed? Tom Cruise: Muhammad has a power that makes him impervious to being made fun of. What if we could harness that power? [moves over to Jimmy Buffet] Jimmy Buffet, how would you like it if nobody could ever call your music drunken frat boy monkey garbage? Jimmy Buffett: I... I'd love it! Tom Cruise: By taking what Muhammad has, we could all be safe from ridicule. [walks to the bar next to Tim Burton] Like Tim Burton here. Imagine it Tim; nobody could rip on you for all the rehashed movies you've made lately. There'd never be a TV show that pointed out that you have never had an original idea since Beetlejuice. And, you put Johnny Depp and all the same crappy music in every film. And if you're that in love with Johnny Depp, then you should just have sex with him already. A TV show could never say that! Tim Burton: Gee, that'd be swell. Tom Cruise: Well it can be a reality. Once we have Muhammad, we can take that power from him. [Cartman walks in] Cartman: Excuse me... [the celebrities turn around] This is the home of Tom Cruise, right? Tom Cruise: Hey! It's one of the boys from South Park who slandered me! Cartman: I didn't come for myself. I just came as an escort for another celebrity who wants in on your lawsuit... Michael Richards: Who? [Cartman lifts up his hand and takes off his glove, revealing fake hair and painted on lips. It is Jennifer Lopez.] Jennifer Lopez: Alllloooo... [celebrities gasp] Tom Cruise: Jennifer Lopez! [celebrities crowd around saying hellos to Jennifer] Jennifer Lopez: Yes, I am Hennifer Lopez, and I like tacos and burritos. Scene Description: Turns into the opening theme for the Super Best Friends Show. As religious figures pop onto the screen, the one to the left of the middle is blocked with a giant bar reading CENSORED Narrator: In the great hall of the Super Best Friends, there are assembled the leaders of the world's greatest religions; Jesus! [Jesus smiles and hammers a wood board] Buddha! [Buddha pries apart the screen] Krishna! [Krishna snaps his fingers and becomes a beaver] Muhammad! [Muhammad is walking down a street, but he has been replaced with a giant bar reading CENSORED] Lao Tzu and Joseph Smith [Walking down a corridor like the opening of Scooby Doo] and... the mighty Semen! [The word "Seaman" appears on the screen, but he says semen] Seaman: It's not semen, it's Seaman! Narrator: [covering up a laugh] Their mission; right that which is wrong, and to serve all mankind. Scene Description: Stan and Kyle are sitting at a table, surrounded by the Super Best Friends except for Muhammad. Stan: Jesus, all we are asking you to do is bring Muhammad to our town for like an hour. Jesus: My son, much has changed since you were last here. Muhammad cannot make public appearances. Buddha: We simply cannot risk any violence from the Muslim people Stan: Awww, not you guys too... Jesus fucking Christ! Narrator: Back in the hall of the Super Best Friends... Kyle: Okay, will you let Muhammad come to South Park if we dress him like a pirate? Joseph Smith: No, Muslims would still be angry if you showed his face. Kyle: K... what if we cover his face with a paper bag? Lao Tzu: No, 'cause you would still be showing him walking around, that could be a-trouble. Stan: Okay. A suit of armor? We just have Muhammad in a suit of armor so you can't see anything. Jesus: But it's still Muhammad walking around in human form. Kyle: Aww, come on! This is ridiculous! [pounds hands on table] Joseph Smith: Boys, you need to understand that people get very offended when Muhammad is mocked because he is a religious figure. [snorting noise, Buddha is snorting cocaine] Jesus: Buddha, don't do coke in front of kids! [Kyle and Stan stare open mouthed for a second] Kyle: A U-Haul. What if we bring Muhammad to South Park in the back of a U-Haul, and he just stays in there out of sight? Joseph Smith: But he's talking from the U-Haul? Stan: Well yeah, he's got to talk or nobody knows he's in there! Jesus: Hearing his voice, I don't know. What do you think Moses? [Moses is floating over in the previously unseen corner] Moses: Um... would there be windows on the U-Haul? Kyle: There doesn't have to be... Moses: Um... I guess... I guess that would be okay. Scene Description: Tom Cruises Lodge, celebrities file into a large room which has a machine on the wall Tom Cruise: Here it is friends. Once we have Muhammad, this machine will give us the power to not be made fun of. Russel Crowe: Tom, Tom, you're talkin' crazy, mate. Only Muhammad has that ability, how could we ever get it from him? [Rob Reiner walks in with a huge sandwich and handkerchief] Rob Reiner: We take his goo! It's as simple as that friends. [takes a bite and wipes forehead, then walks over near Tom Cruise] Tom Cruise: Rob Reiner has been telling me about the goo that is inside every person on earth. Rob Reiner: Any goo can be harvested from a person's body, and easily placed into another. [wipes forehead, holds up his hand, but speaks to himself] Cartman: Wait, wait, wait, you mean we aren't going to sue and get a bunch of money? Tom Cruise: No Jen, we all have got enough money. Jennifer Lopez: Yes, who needs more money, we need to get Muhammad's goo! Yes, yes, ariva ariva! Cartman: Uh, excuse us for a second... [walks away] Scene Description: Cartman enters an empty room and closes the door Cartman: Alright, just what the hell do you think you are doing? Jennifer Lopez: What am I doing? Just having some fun, cholo! Cartman: Cut the crap, I thought we were here for lawsuit money! Jennifer Lopez: Just keep your mouth shut, and do what I tell you! Cartman: If we are staying here, then I want to know what is going on. Don't forget, I know who you really are... [looks at his hand, then removes his hand's hairpiece] Mitch Conner. Mitch Conner: If you know what's good for you, you'll keep your mouth shut, kid. Cartman: You're a no-good swindler and a 2-bit thief. We were here for money, not goo! Mitch Conner: Think about it. Muhammad is the only person in the world who can't get ripped on. Those celebrities want his goo. Cartman: Yeah, so what? Mitch Conner: You know what the goo is worth on the open market? Hell, I got people in Hong Kong who'll give me 50 mil for that goo. Cartman: So we let them take it from Muhammad, then we take it for ourselves. Mitch Conner: You catch on quick kid... [knock at the door] Tom Cruise: [from the other side of the door] Mrs. Lopez... Mitch Conner: Hurry, get my wig back on! [Tom opens the door] Tom Cruise: Hey, I was just seeing if you needed some- Oh, god [scratches the back of his head guiltily] you found my fudge packing uniform... Jennifer Lopez: Oh, your secret is safe with me, Tommy! Scene Description: Outside South Park Town Hall, several townspeople are standing around Randy: Boys, we are so sorry for doubting you. You really did bring us Muhammad. Mayor: Thank you so much for coming, Muhammad. [steps forward toward Muhammad, who is in a giant U-Haul] Muhammad: [in a small voice] Welcome. Mr Garrison: Oh, is that okay? Jimbo: I don't know. Randy: Alright, now we just need to figure out how to get Muhammad from the back of the truck into Tom Cruise's limo. Stan: What? No, Dad, we promised the Super Best Friends that Muhammad would stay in the truck. Gerald: Cruise's lawyers were very specific boys. He's sending a limo for Muhammad to meet him outside of town. Kyle: But Muhammad can't be seen, Dad. Sgt. Yates: Alright, we'll put a sheet over him. Stan: No, you can't even show his feet. Sheila: How about a Halloween costume with one of those plastic masks? Mr. Garrison: No, you could still see his eyes... Randy: Okay. How 'bout like... like a big mascot outfit? One that covered him completely, head to toe, without even showing his eyes? [Mayor walks over to U-Haul and shouts inside] Mayor: Muhammad, would that be okay? Muhammad: [still small voice] Okay. Scene Description: Tom Cruise's Lodge Hillary Clinton: Tom, Rob, we've just received word from the lawyers. South Park is saying they have Muhammad for us! [celebrities gasp] Tom Cruise: Rob, will the machine be ready? Rob Reiner: Oh, it'll be ready! [hits buttons on the machine's control panel] Jennifer Lopez: [out of view] More tacos! Jennifer Lopez: [in-view, the celebrities all turn around to look] More tacos! Cartman: No! No more tacos Mrs. Lopez. Jennifer Lopez: More tacos. Cartman: You just had seven tacos. Jennifer Lopez: I want more tacos! [Cartman gives a nervous laugh] Cartman: I'm sorry [whisper] Why are you doing this? Jennifer Lopez: I am Jennifer Lopez, I need tacos to live! Cartman: [whispering] You know goddamn well you are not Jennifer Lopez, so stop pissing me off! [Charlie Sheen steps forward] Charlie Sheen: Mrs. Lopez, I can go. What do you want, like three tacos? Jennifer Lopez: Oh, thank you 'harlie Sheeeeen. And maybe an enchirito too? Cartman: Aw- Jee-. They don't even make enchiritos anymore! Jennifer Lopez: Yes they do! Cartman: I tried getting one last week! Jennifer Lopez: Not all Taco Bells have enchiritos, but some still carry them. Cartman: God, will somebody shut her up? Scene Description: South Park Town Square, several people still standing around when a limo pulls up Randy: [facing away from view] Alright, the limo's here. Muhammad, thanks again for doing this. [A giant bear costume has been thrown over Muhammad] Mayor: You've done this town a huge favor, Muhammad. [walks towards the limo] Mr. Garrison: [from a distance away] Hold on a second! [runs over to the mayor] Mr. Garrison: Stop! There's some extremists, threatening that if we give Muhammad to the celebrities, they're gonna bomb us! Mayor: What?! Randy: Aw. Aw, it's just a stupid threat! Come on, we don't wanna piss off Tom Cruise again. [starts walking to the limo] Scene Description: Jared Fogle and Phil Collins sit in the limo Jared Fogle: [On a walkie-talkie] Alright, we got him, Tom. [Everyone outside walks toward the limo, when it suddenly explodes] Stan: Muhammad, are you okay? [Runs toward Muhammad and helps him up] Randy: What the hell was that?! Sgt. Yates: Obviously, the terrorists are for real! [notices a paper Garrison is holding] What does that paper say? [reads the paper aloud] We have placed bombs all over your city. You will give Muhammad to us. The celebrities want Muhammad for his power not to be ridiculed. We want that power... huzzah. Stan: They want his power? Kyle: What kind of extremists are these? [Yates looks over the note] Sgt. Yates: You won't believe it... Scene Description: The Hilton hotel's party room, which is full of red headed people, or gingers. Lead Ginger: Our time is near! Soon, gingers will never be made fun of again! All Gingers: [in unison] Huzzah! Scene Description: Cartman walking down a street, keeping his hand away from himself. He has taken off Mitch Conner's fake hairpiece. Mitch Conner: Where the hell do you think you're going? Cartman: I'm through with your stupid plans, Conner! I've got better things to do with my time. [Mitch goes in front of Cartman] Mitch Conner: You gonna walk away from 50 mil? [Cartman stops] Cartman: Let me by... Mitch Conner: You walk away now, and you will regret it the rest of your life. Cartman: Screw this Conner. [pushes his hand away and moves on] Find yourself another partner. Mitch Conner: Then I guess I won't tell you about your father. [Cartman stops] Cartman: My father... Mitch Conner: Thought that might get your attention. You know nothing about your dad, right? Cartman: I know enough, my mother is a hermaphrodite, so she is actually my father. Mitch Conner: You really still believe that garbage? The people in your town sold you that line. Come on, you've had to have doubted it all along. [Cartman turns around to face Conner] Cartman: How could you know anything about who my family is? Mitch Conner: Heh. I know all about the swindles and schemes in this dead-end town. You got lied to, kid. By the people who were closest to you. I can prove it too, but I'm going to want something in return. Cartman: If you're making this up to keep me around Conner, the you'd better- Mitch: You just take me where I tell you, and when you learn the truth, you will learn to trust me. And nobody else... Scene Description: Chaos, people running around the street screaming Barbrady: Okay, people, let's try to evacuate in an orderly fashion. Geez. Scene Description: Mayors Office, McDaniels is pacing while the police stand around her Sgt. Yates: Mayor, we do not have the resources to deal with this situation! A full evacuation is impossible! Mayor: Jesus, what are we supposed to do?! Jimbo: We have to give in to their demands. McDaniels: I'm sorry, Muhammad, but we are going to have to give you over the gingers. Kyle: We can't give him over to the gingers! Stan: Yeah, we said we'd take care of him. Gerald: But our homes and our lives are at stake. Stan: We made a promise... to Jesus! [Randy steps forward] Randy: Stan, Jesus doesn't matter when Muhammad is involved. [phone rings, everyone turns to look at it] Jimbo: That'll be Tom Cruise... [Randy steps forward and slowly picks it up] Randy: Helllo? Tom Cruise: Yeah, so whats going on? Randy: Uh... I'm afraid we can't... well, we can't give Muhammad to you. Tom Cruise: What do you mean, you're not givin' him to us?! Randy: There are these ginger fundamentalists saying that if we don't give Muhammad to them, they are going to bomb us. Tom Cruise: Gingers? Kanye West: Gingers? Aww, hell no. Randy: Please, understand that we have no choice here Mr. Cruise. Tom Cruise: You're going to give Muhammad to gingers instead of us, just because they are threatening you with violence? Randy: Well, yeah. Tom Cruise: Oh, we can play that game too! You want to see violence, well you got it! [throws the phone at the ground and walks away] Tom Cruise: [pacing around and fuming] Goddamn stupid assholes! You want to play rough?! OK! Spielburg, go and get some automatic rifles! We'll go in there, and we're going to take [around here, he jumps up and down on the couch, shouting his idea, with Oprah on the other cushion] Muhammad by force! And then we are going to show them th- [Rob Reiner rushes up] Rob Reiner: Tom, Tom. We can't be seen getting violent. Hillary Clinton: Yeah, that would kill all our careers! Tom Cruise: [still jumping up and down on the couch] But the only way we are going to get Muhammad from South Park now is by getting just as violent as the gingers! Rob Reiner: Fine, then let's have Her do it. Tom Cruise: [stops jumping] Her who? Rob Reiner: [whisper] You know... Her. Tom Cruise: Oh right... [Whispers] Her. Scene Description: In the middle of nowhere, limos start pulling up and celebrities all walk up to a huge structure Rob Reiner: There she is Tom... Barbra Streisand. Scene Description: Zooms around Mecha-Streisand, showing her from every angle Robert Redford: My God, she's even more terrifying than I remember. Steven Spielberg: Tom, Barbra Streisand hasn't been active for a long time. Are we sure we want to do this? Tom Cruise: Mrs. Streisand got torn apart in the town of South Park. She's probably more angry at that town than any of us. Rob Reiner: Power her up! Release the Kraken! [Mel Gibson pushes a button, then flips a switch, starting up Mecha-Streisand] Scene Description: Mecha-Streisand opens up her eyes, the Diamond on her forehead lights up, and her claws and arm saw are flexed. The gates open and she steps out to meet the celebrities. The song Barbra, Barbra is played. She kneels down and lets out a screech. Japanese Singer: [Singing] Baabura, Baabura, ichi ban kirai na hito. (The number 1 hateful person.) Baabura, Baabura, hana ga ookii. (Her nose is big.) Rob Reiner: [extremely casual voice] Hey Barbra. It's me, Rob Reiner. [Barbra kneels down and blows steam out of her nose, the celebrities shield their faces] Rob Reiner: Listen, Babs, we are taking on the town of South Park and we really need your help Tom Cruise: We figured you're pissed at South Park too, right Mrs. Streisand? [Barbra roars, turns around, and slashes the holding tower with her arm saw] Tom Cruise: Oh, she's pissed all right. Scene Description: Someone's house, there is a knock at the door. The door opens, and Eric is standing outside. Mr. Garrison: Eric, what are you doing here? Cartman: Did you all lie to me? All of you, in that room, when you told me my mother was my father? Mr. Garrison: What? N-No Eric, are you still worried about that old issue, I mean- Cartman: I don't trust you. I want to talk to Mr. Hat. Mr. Garrison: Eric, I haven't used Mr. Hat in a long time, and- Cartman: I said GET. Mr. Hat! Scene Description: Garrison's bedroom. He reaches into a drawer and pulls out Mr. Hat. Cartman: Put it on! [he puts it on] Do the voice. Mr. Hat: Hello kids, it's me, Mr. Hat. [Cartman pulls his hand from behind his back, revealing Mitch.] Mitch Conner: Good to see you Hat. Helluva night, isn't it? Mr. Hat: I... I don't believe I know you. Mitch Conner: The name's Mitch Conner, I flew the same division as you back in Saigon. [Mr. Garrison lowers Mr. Hat] Mr. Garrison: Eric, this is silly, why don't we just stop- Cartman: Keep... your hand... UP! Scene Description: A street filled with lots of townspeople, Muhammad, and Stan Randy: [shouting to the other side of the street] Alright gingers, we have Muhammad for you, now hand over the detonators. [huge group of gingers, all holding detonators] Lead Ginger: Nuh uh, first you gotta prove that that is still Muhammad in there! Have him step out of the bear costume... Townspeople: Ohhhhhhh... Stan: Dude, we can't do that Lead Ginger: Show us it's Muhammad or South Park is finished! Scene Description: Back to Mr. Garrison's bedroom Mr. Hat: Dammit, Mitch, you're asking questions that shouldn't be answered! Mitch Conner: So you admit it. There was a cover up. [Mr. Garrison turns away] Mr. Garrison: No, Mr. Hat, don't say anymore! Mitch: Yeah, tell 'im whatcha know! Garrison: Alright, Eric, your father was in the room the day of your DNA test, but the results were... tampered with. Cartman: By who? Goddammit, Garrison, who is my father? Scene Description: Flash to townspeople on the street, then flash to gingers on the street then flash to Mecha-Streisand roaring

Scene Description: Saigon, 1972, day. U.S. Army helicopters fly overhead. A gunner fires into the fields below Mitch Conner: Saigon. It's a hell of a place. I've seen a lot of death. [Vietnamese and American soldiers fire at each other] A lot of suffering. Darkness that most people couldn't stand to see. [Wounded American soldiers are carried back to the helicopters] I tried to sit it out as much as I could. [a left arm exactly like Cartman's is shown. It wears dog tags, a tiny helmet, and camouflage face paint] Soldier 1: What's the matter, Conner? You don't like a little blood? Mitch Conner: No, I don't like a little blood. Blood ain't the stuff for eighteen year old boys from Sheboygan. Blood ain't the stuff... for Mitch Conner. Soldier 2: Incoming! [An RPG flies into the helicopter and blows up. Cut to a MASH unit, where Mitch opens his eyes] Army Doctor: Conner, Mitchell. You're discharged, son. Mitch Conner: And that's that. "Pack your bags, you're headed home. Hugs and kisses from Uncle Sam." [cut to the present, where Mitch is now on Cartman's arm facing Mr. Garrison and Mr. Hat.] So how do I end up here, with a nine year old kid who just wants to know who his father is? Life is funny like that. One day you're sifting through the guts of some gook in Vietnam and the next you're playing Dr. Phil with some kid and his teacher. Mr. Garrison: Eric, I, [faces Cartman] I'm really sorry that you were put through all this. Mitch Conner: Sorry is a four letter word with a Y on the end. That doesn't mean anything to this poor kid. Cartman: That's right! Tell me the truth! Now! Mr. Garrison: [turns away] All I can tell you, Eric, is that we were all told to stick to the story to protect someone very important. I can't say more, I won't. But I'll... I'll tell you who has the answer. Scene Description: South Park. night. The townsfolk and the gingers face off. Randy: Look, gingers! You said you wanted Muhammad, we got him for you. Ginger 1: We have no way of knowing if Muhammad is really in there. It could be a trick. Stan: It's no trick, dude. My friend and I went to the Super Best Friends and brought him here! Ginger 1: Then have him step out of the bear costume! You have until the count of ten! One! Jimbo: Don't do it, Randy. If Muhammad is seen, we could get bombed. Ginger 1: Two! Sgt. Yates: Idiot, if he isn't seen, we're about to definitely get bombed. Ginger 1: Three! Randy: Alright, alright, stop! We'll do what you say. [turns to the bear] I'm sorry, Muhammad. Will you please step out of the bear costume? [the bear looks around, then unzips the costume. A familiar red suit and black belt appear. The arms flail a bit and the costume drops away. Santa has stepped out of the costume.] Stan: Okay, so um, see? This is Muhammad. Ginger 2: That isn't Muhammad, that's Santy Claus. Santa: Sorry, boys. I tried. Kyle: Aw crap. Randy: Boys, you got Santa to be Muhammad? When? Stan: When you all said you were gonna hand Muhammad over to Tom Cruise. We promised Jesus that Muhammad would stay safely in the U-Haul! Mr. Hankey: [hops up to Kyle] I'm sorry, Kyle. I really thought my idea would work for you. Stan: If we were gonna have someone in a bear costume, why would we actually have it be Muhammad, you fucking idiot?! Ginger 1: So where is he?! [heavy footfalls and a mechanical roar are heard, and everyone gets afraid.] Scene Description: Hall of Super Best Friends, night. Announcer: Meanwhile, at the Hall of the Super Best Friends... Scene Description: Inside. Buddha is snorting coke again. Jesus: Buddha, will you lay off that stuff already?! It's gettin' to be a problem. Buddha: Ohhh, and you're one to talk! With all your Internet porn! Jesus: Watching porn isn't like doing coke, fag! Joseph Smith: [runs into the meeting room] Jesus Christ! Jesus: What? Joseph Smith: We've got a distress signal coming in. [the Super Best Friends leave their seats and head for the towering screen at one end of the room] Jesus: On the Super Best Screen! Police Officer: Super Best Friends! You've got to help us! The Casa Bonita is under attack! [Casa Bonita is shown. Soldiers defend it by firing at Mecha-Streisand, but she just keeps walking towards it] Jesus: Great Scott! It's Barbra Streisand! [Mecha-Streisand picks up a car and bites the front end off. The driver drops down from it, likely to his death] Lao Tse: I thought Barbra Streisand had been destroyed by Robert Smith. Seaman: Yeah. Who would have activated her again? Jesus: I don't know, Seaman. [the other Super Best Friends chuckle] Seaman: [annoyed] It's Sea-Man! [the other Super Best Friends chuckle, but their attention is again drawn to the screen. ] Police Officer: The Casa Bonita is gone! Jesus help us! Jesus: Jesus... That's where the boys took Muhammad. We have to stop her! [he leads the others to Docking Bay Alpha] On the Super Best Friends power cycles! [moments later, amid a cloud of steam, a platform rises, and the Super Best Friends roll off it on modified Segways.] Scene Description: South Park Genetic Engineering - Dr. Mephesto's lab. Dr. Mephesto is inside working on an animal. Dr. Mephesto: There there, my little mouse friend. Soon you will have more asses than you ever dreamed of. [the top of his assistant's head is shown moving towards him] Ah, Kevin. You brought me my Fonseca. That's a good boy. [a pounding is heard at the door and both men turn around] What's this? Someone is at the door, Kevin. [the pounding is heard again] We tried to be left alone, Kevin. Who would disturb us at this hour? We must be careful. [looks through the peep hole] Why, it's an African-American man, Kevin. [to the person outside] Yes? What do you want? Person: [Mitch Conner, in blackface, wearing a wig] Yo man, sorry to bother you, but there's been an accident down the street, man. Can I use your telephone? Dr. Mephesto: Oh I'm... terribly sorry, but I don't let strangers in. Person: Yo, I understand, man, but this accident is real bad, dawg. My lady's leg is all busted up and shit; she all crawlin' around on the road lookin' like a crippled crab, man. I just need an ambulance, dog! Dr. Mephesto: There's a gas station about half a mile down the road. They have a phone there. Person: Okay, I see. I guess I understand. You just don't wanna let a black man in yo' house. Dr. Mephesto: No, please, it isn't that at all. Person: No, I gets it man. Thought things had changed, dog. Thought when we got a black president, things would be different. We gots our black president, but Whitey still don't trust me to use his motherfuckin' phone. Dr. Mephesto: No wait, I'm sorry, you're right you're right, we do have a black president. Please, come in. [opens the door, which is built like that of a bank vault] Cartman: [quickly gets in] Ahaaa! Dr. Mephesto: WAAH! Kevin: AAAH! Cartman: Nice work, Conner. Mitch Conner: Yeah, the old "Hasn't anything changed?" speech. Works on white people all the time. Dr. Mephesto: Eric Cartman? Cartman: Surprise to see me, asshole?! Close the door! Scene Description: South Park, night. Mecha-Streisand rounds a corner as the townsfolk run away from her Santa: [in the crowd] Holy crap! [as the crowd disappears, one lone boy walks towards the robot...] Pip: Cheeri-o! My name is Pip. I would like to see if you wouldn't mind not smashing our little town to bits. [the robot walks towards him and he turns and runs] Haaah! [Mecha-Streisand crushes him under her left foot] Scene Description: Tom Cruise's mansion, night. Announcer: Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom, which is Tom Cruise's house. Tom Cruise: How do you like that?! Celebrities can get violent too! Randy: [on the community center roof with other townsfolk] Mr. Cruise, please call Barbra Streisand off! [everyone cringes as Mecha-Streisand walks around] She's destroying everything! Tom Cruise: We will call her off when you give us Muhammad! Randy: We don't have Muhammad. We aren't sure where he is. Tom Cruise: That's your problem! Get him back or Babs will kill you all! Mickey Mouse: Oh boy! Scene Description: South Park, night. The crowd runs down the street. Stan and Kyle see Kenny between two buildings and run up to him Stan: Kenny! Kenny! Dude, what the hell?! You're supposed to be watching Muhammad! Kenny: (I am. He's right here.) [a locker to his left opens up and Muhammad steps out, a black rectangle with "CENSORED" on it covering him up] Stan: Oh thank God. Hey Muhammad. Kyle: Really sorry about all this, dude. [to Stan] So what the heck are we gonna do now? Muhammad isn't safe here. Stan: The gingers and celebrities all want a piece of him. I don't know where we can go. Kyle: [thinks a bit, then snaps his fingers] Wait. No wait a minute! I've got it. I've totally got it! Kenny: (What?) Kyle: Remember the time when we got an elephant to make love to a pig? Stan: [a bit surprised] ...Yeah. Kyle: I totally know how we can give the gingers and the celebrities what they want, but keep Muhammad safe. Come on! [they all run off] Scene Description: Raisins, night. Mecha-Streisand's right foot is on the parking lot next to an overturned car. Her left foot comes down on the restaurant and everyone inside runs out. She then moves on to Country Kitchen buffet and crushes that under her right foot. All the elderly folk get out of there right before it's destroyed. Richard Tweek: She's going to get our coffee store next. Mr. Slave: Ooooo, Jesus Christ. [points to behind the camera. The Super Best Friends roll into town on their cycles] Jesus: That's enough, Barbra Streisand! Kiwaaa! [takes off his halo and hurls it at her. It bounces off her left shoulder and returns to Jesus. Barbra just gets more pissed off and turns to face Jesus. She walks towards him] Smith! Try your ice breath! [Joseph Smith steps forward and blows a stream of freezing air at Barbra's left claw. She looks at it and flexes her claws] Joseph Smith: No good! Seaman: Look out! Barbra Streisand is using her toxic stink ray! [Barbra unleashes a stream of brown gas from her genital area, making the Super Best Friends cough] Scene Description: Dr. Mephesto's lab, later Dr. Mephesto: Eric, your father never wanted this to happen. He was protecting you as well as them. Cartman: Them who?! Dr. Mephesto: Eric, you have to understand, it's all very complicated. Cartman: Then start explaining it to me! Dr. Mephesto: [heavy sigh] Very well. Kyle: Come on, Muhammad, the door is open. Stan: Dr. Mephesto, we need your help! Dr. Mephesto: Oh for crying out loud, now everyone is letting themselves in! [goes to the door and locks it] Kyle: Doctor, this is Muhammad. We want you to clone him, so we can give his copies to gingers, and Barbra Streisand. Dr. Mephesto: Oh, all right. Cartman: No nooo no no no! He's not doing anything except explaining who my father is! Stan: Dude, that doesn't matter to people right now! Cartman: It's all that matters! Kyle: Dude, nobody gives a crap about who your stupid father is! Muhammad is an important issue with actual ethical ramifications! Cartman: I guarantee you people care way more about who my father is! Scene Description: South Park, night. Joseph Smith has taken flight Announcer: In the small mountain town of South Park, the holy prophet of the Mormon religion is trying to fly up the nose of a deadly female singer. [Barbra Streisand looks around. Krishna and Seaman float by either side of her head. Smith lands on her nose, but she tries to shake him off] Seaman: Our powers aren't working, Swallow. [The Super Best Friends float down towards Jesus] Joseph Smith: We can't attack Streisand's nose! It's just too big! Jesus: We have to find another weak spot! [into his cuff] Moses! Moses: What? Jesus: We need to know any weakness Barbra Streisand might have! Moses: Um... Let me think... Um... Oh I know... Barbra Streisand can't resist singing duets with Neil Diamond. Jesus: All right. I'll build a stage. Lao Tse, use mind control to get a huge audience. Buddha and Smith, use powers to find a band. Seaman, [chuckles] you and Swallow go get us sushi for dinner. [the other Super Best Friends start chuckling] Seaman: It's Sea-Man and Swallow. Jesus: Okay, Seaman, you guys head off! Seaman: Fine! Swallow, come. [the other Super Best Friends chuckle] Moses: Heh heh heheheh. No way he just said that. Scene Description: Dr. Mephesto's lab Stan: Alright alright, just tell Cartman who his dad is real quick so we can clone Muhammad. Dr. Mephesto: It's a complicated story. I just can't tell him quickly. Kyle: Then we'll wait, because we have to clone Muhammad now! Mitch Conner: Is Muhammad more important than a little boy's broken heart? Kyle: Oh, you are not doing that again! Mitch Conner: Look, Mephesto, just tell this kid who his father is and you do it now! Kyle: Stop talking with your stupid hand! Cartman: Who you calling stupid, Jew? Stan: Come on, guys, we're running out of time! [more knocking is heard at Mephesto's door, and Mephesto turns around] Dr. Mephesto: Yes? Man: Hey, I'm sorry to bother you. There's uh, been an accident and I need a phone. Dr. Mephesto: Yeah, right, let me guess: You're an African-American. Man: ...Well, yes I am, but I don't know what that has to do with anything. Dr. Mephesto: Beat it I'm not helpin' you! Kyle: Dude! Stan: That's not cool! Dr. Mephesto: No no, you don't understand. Kyle: We understand you just sounded like a freakin' racist! Stan: We don't live in the '60s anymore, you know! We have a black president! Dr. Mephesto: Alright, alright, jeez. [walks to the door and opens it] Ginger 1: Hahaaa! Stan: Oh crap, the gingers! Cartman: Gingers? No! Scene Description: Tom Cruise's mansion Announcer: L-later, at the Legion of Doom. Benedict XVI: Tom, Tom! The gingers are claiming they have Muhammad! Tom Cruise: What?! Impossible! Benedict XVI: They are sending a message now! Tom Cruise: On screen! [The Legion of Doom's monitor lights up and the gingers are shown with Muhammad. The lead ginger gives the Legion a raspberry.] Ginger 1: [taunting] We got Muhammad! We got Muhammad! Rob Reiner: He's useless to you! You can't get Muhammad's power to not be made fun of without the Rob Reiner Goo Transfer Machine! Ginger 1: Why do you think we're calling?! Ginger 3: Our boss is willing to share Muhammad with you if you're willing to share the goo machine with us! Tom Cruise: ...Your ...boss? Scene Description: The gingers' lair Dr. Mephesto: What's going on? You got what you wanted, gingers, so let us go. Ginger 1: Oh no no! The head ginger has plans for you! Stan: What head ginger?! And where's Cartman?! Ginger 2: Heheh, the head ginger has somethin' reeeally special planned for him. Scene Description: The gingers' lair, deeper inside. Cartman walks through the cave with a flashlight. Cartman: Hello? What the hell is this? Where am I? Mitch Conner: You really got yourself in a mess this time, kid. Cartman: Shut up, Conner! How about I shove this flashlight in your mouth? Mitch Conner: You might wanna [garbled sounds as Cartman puts the flashlight in his left hand] Cartman: Hello? I'm here, whoever you are. [a slow cackle rises from the darkness] A Voice: Eric Cartman. I've waited a long time for this. Cartman: Daddy? A Voice: Guess again. [lights go one a few at a time. Carnival rides begin to appear. The Bean Dip Ferris Wheel. Chili-buster. The Chiliblast. A Hot Chili sign. A Professor Habanero chili booth. More signs come on, and the 2010 Chili Con Carnival is now live. Cartman is awed] Welcome, to my Chili Con Carnival. Cartman: [strokes his chin and thinks] Chili Con Carnival? ...Wait a minute. ...No it can't be. A Voice: Oh, but it can. [Cartman is looking at a throne with a staircase at its base. Six gingers stand guard on the ground and halfway up the steps. Around and behind the steps is a pile of broken baby dolls highlighted by two torches. one on either side of the stairs. The torches are topped with baby doll heads. On the throne itself sits one Scott Tenorman, with top hat and cane. His head is in the shadows] Revenge is a dish best served... [leans forward into the light] chili. Cartman: Scott Tenorman. Eeewww. Scene Description: South Park, night. "Live! Tonight Only! NEIL DIAMOND" Announcer: Meanwhile, at the concert stage Jesus built with his power of super-carpentry... Joseph Smith: [walks in with Buddha and Lao Tse] That's it, Jesus. The band has been paid and the PA system is working. Jesus: [joins them and drops his hammer] Alright Krishna, the rest is up to you. Krishna: [walks some distance] Form of... Neil Diamond. [poof! He is now Neil Diamond, who then goes on stage and addresses the crowd] If you all wouldn't mind, I'd like to invite a special friend to join me on stage. Miss Barbra Streisand! [Barbra hears her name and walks towards the stage] Jesus: Let's hope to Christ this works. [Barbra reaches the stage and lowers her head to Neil - er, Krishna] Krishna: Hello gorgeous. What do you say? Shall we sing together again like the old times? [Barbra roars and sits down on stage] Well that's because I love the girl. And I still love you now. What have you got to say? [Barbra roars, then the crowd roars] That might be true, but I still miss ya at night. [Barbra roars something] When you roll over, by my side, and you kiss me goodnight. [This excites Barbra, who roars and lets out a jet of toxic spray onto the audience. The audience members cough and try to shield themselves] Joseph Smith: It worked, Jesus! Jesus: Yeah. And now to find Muhammad and take down Tom Cruise! Scene Description: Scott Tenorman's' lair Scott Tenorman: Do you remember when you had my parents killed and fed them to me as chili? I spent quite a while in a mental institution, Eric. [two ginger kids come and escort Cartman towards a ride] A lot of time for me to learn everything about you, so that one day I could take you down. I even learned the name of your father. [the two kids place Cartman in a car and sit on either side of him. The car begins to move. Screen 1] Oh, I know you're confused. Who wouldn't be? [Screen 2] You've been lied to by everyone! [Screen 3] Even by your own mother! [Screen 4] Hahahahahahahaha. [the car goes through some double doors] Cartman: What do you know?! Scott Tenorman: [Screen 5] I wanted to torment you with your father's identity. But what I found was more shocking than I could have possibly guessed! Scene Description: The gingers' lair. The goo machine has been moved there and Muhammad has been strapped into the lefthand side of the machine. Tom Cruise has been strapped to the right side Announcer: [sounding more and more wasted] Meanwhile, at the gingers' lair... Russell Crowe: Alright, Muhammad is secure. [moves off the machine] Tom Cruise: Let's do this. Throw the switch, Rob. [Rob Reiner throws the switch. The power level increases on the control panel. Moments later, goo moves from Muhammad through four tubes towards a mixer, then through two tubes towards Tom Cruise. Everyone watches in anticipation] Ohhh. Uhhh. Yes! I can feel it! I can feel the power to not be ridiculed flowing through my veins! [shakes violently for a second, then the machine shuts down. A "CENSORED" bar appears over Tom] Ha. Hahahaha! [laughs heartily] Paris Hilton: O M G it worked! Tom Cruise: I've done it! I've done it! Look at me! I'm not okay to make fun of anymore! Benedict XVI: Ooo you lucky fucker. Scene Description: Chili Con Carnival - Scott Tenorman's lair. Scott has brought in Stan, Kyle, and Kenny, some gingers, and some candidates from Dr. Mephesto's DNA inquiry into Cartman's dad. Dr. Mephesto and Kevin are there too. Scott is inside a center ring next to a table on which rests a bowl of chili. Cartman is on a chair facing the bowl. Only the gingers have their hands free. Everyone else has their hands tied behind their backs Scott Tenorman: Welcome, everyone, to the final act of my fabulous Chili Carnival! Liane: Please, leave my boy alone! Cartman: Mom? Scott Tenorman: I got them all here for you, Eric! So listen while you got told the truth! Mr. Garrison: Please don't. We have to protect 'em. Cartman: Protect who?? Scott Tenorman: Yes, protect... who? Tell him! Mr... [points to] Jimbo! [with his cane] Jimbo: Protect... the Denver Broncos. Scene Description: The gingers' lair Announcer: Meanwhile... Tom Cruise: This is incredible. Who wants to go next? Benedict XVI: I want to be next. Ginger 4: No, gingers go next. Mickey Mouse: Gingers can suck it! I'm next, ha! Rob Reiner: It's my goo machine! I'm next! Jesus: Nobody is going next! [Jesus, Buddha, and Joseph Smith run in while Lao Tse and Seaman drop in from above.] Muhammad is our super best friend! Let him go! Ginger 4: They can't stop all of us! Get 'em! Scene Description: The gingers and celebrities attack the super best friends as one. Joseph Smith blows his super breath on Sally Struthers, who freezes over. Jesus: [fends off every ginger who runs at him.] Kyaaaaa! Scene Description: Chili Con Carnival - Scott Tenorman's lair. Scott addresses the captives Scott Tenorman: The Denver Broncos. [turns to Cartman] There was a right tackle, see? Who had an illegitimate child with your slut of a mom, and everyone here covered it up! To protect the Bronco name! Mr. Garrison: They were having a really good year! There couldn't be any distractions! Cartman: My dad was a Denver Bronco? Scott Tenorman: Would you like to meet him? Well, you can't. Ever. 'Cause you see, Eric, we have something in common. Did I ever tell you that my father... played for the Denver Broncos? Cartman: No- nooo. Scott Tenorman: The only Bronco who lived in South Park. He got a little bored one week and had an affair with a slut named Liane Cartman! Liane: No please! Scott Tenorman: [to Dr. Mephesto] Tell him! You almost did before, but you got shot by your brother who was a Bronco fan! Tell him! Dr. Mephesto: It's true... Jack Tenorman was your father. Scott Tenorman: You killed your own father and then you fed him to your half... brother! Cartman: No! Noooo! Scott Tenorman: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Now eat your chili! [shoves Cartman's face into the chili, just as Cartman had done to him a long time ago. Cartman gags on the chili. A wall explodes and the captives and celebrities rush in, followed by the Super Best Friends] The Super Best Friends? Oh no! [makes a run out of the lair. Russell Crowe smacks Buddha a few times, but Buddha fights back] Seaman: I'll get you, Tom Cruise! [hops on him and wrestles him] Stan: Hey look! Tom Cruise has Seaman on his back. [everyone stops and gasps. The "CENSORED" bar disappears and Tom is shown again] Tom Cruise: What did you say?! Kyle: Oh, yeah. Tom Cruise does have Seaman on his back. Jesus: I guess maybe Tom Cruise likes Seaman. [everyone chuckles.] Tom Cruise: [straightens up] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! [Seaman gets off his back] You're not supposed to be able to make fun of me anymore! What the hell's going on?! Scott Tenorman: [on the rafters with a jet pack on his back] I'll be back, Super Best Friends! [tales off through an open door on the roof.] Jesus: Who's the creepy ginger kid? Tom Cruise: Reiner, you said the goo machine would work! But I got made fun of! Kyle: That's because there is no goo, Mr. Cruise. You see, I learned something today. Throughout this whole ordeal, we've all wanted to show things that we weren't allowed to show. But it wasn't because of some magic goo. It was because of the magical power of threatening people with violence. That's obviously the only true power. If there's anything we've all learned, it's that terrorizing people works. Jesus: That's right. Don't you see, gingers? If you don't want to be made fun of anymore, all you need are guns and bombs to get people to stop. Santa: That's right, friends. All you need to do is instill fear, and be willing to hurt people, and you can get whatever you want. The only true power is violence. Stan: [smiles and tilts his head to one side] Yeah. Scene Description: South Park, day. Reconstruction on the town begins Mayor McDaniels: Alright, people, let's start rebuilding our town! For the 39th time. Stan: Oh, dude, look. [Cartman is shown on a gurney, crying. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny approach him] Hey, Cartman... Kyle: Look, man, w-we know what you learned was pretty tough to hear. Cartman: Tough to hear? My dad was Scott Tenorman's dad. Don't you guys realize what that means? Stan: Yeah, dude, we, we know what it means. Cartman: My dad was a ginger! Kyle: Wwait, what? Cartman: I mean, obviously, I take after my mom, but I have the ginger gene inside of me! Kyle: Dude, you killed your own dad, and you're worried about that?! Mitch Conner: [appears] Hey, Eric, Eric! Cartman: What? Mitch Conner: Come on, cheer up. Cartman: Cheer up? I'm half ginger! Mitch Conner: Yeah, but you're forgetting, you're also half Denver Bronco. That makes you pretty cool. Cartman: Hey, you're right. That does make me pretty cool. Kyle: You gotta be kidding me! Mitch Conner: Shut up, Kyle, you dumb Jew. [to Cartman] You've got Bronco blood in you, kid. That makes you awesome. Me? I should be movin' on. Cartman: Really, Mitch? Ya, you've gotta go? Mitch Conner: There's a bounty on my head and I can't afford to stay in one place for too long. So long... Denver Bronco. Cartman: Take it easy, Conner. [his hand floats away, then opens up all of a sudden. He wiggles his fingers. Next shot is of Tom Cruise sitting by himself on a trash can.] Stan: Look, Mr. Cruise, I'm sorry I said you were a fudge packer and that Seaman on your back. Tom Cruise: I... I just can't do it anymore. I wanna go away. But there's nowhere on earth that people aren't around to rip on me. Kyle: Hey... Hey, we know a place! We know a place where everything is just happiness and joy. And no humans are there to mess it up. Stan: We do? Oh, oh, yeah, we do! Tom Cruise: You... really? Somewhere where I can just ...live out my days in peace and quiet and- Oh. [stands up] Oh, please, can you show me where? Stan: We'll do better than that. We'll help you get there. Scene Description: The moon. Tom Cruise is shown laying next to Willzyx.

Announcer: This program contains subject matter and language that might be disturbing to some viewers. Viewer discretion is advised. Towelie: [walking down the street being friendly] Hey everybody, how's it goin'? Scene Description: The Towel Scene Description: The Drug Addict Towelie: [taking a hit from a bong] I just... I just can't seem to stop. Scene Description: Towelie has agreed to be in a documentary about addiction Towelie: Hey you! You goin' swimmin'? Don't forget to bring a towel. [coughs] Scene Description: He does not know he is about to face an intervention Towelie: [stumbling around, tattered and wasted] Get out of my face! Get out of here! [runs at the camera and shoves it out of his face. The camera spins around in a blur of lights] Scene Description: Intervention Towelie: [in studio] My name is Towelie. T O W E L uh-Y E Y. I'm great at cleanin' up spills. [a man spills his drink in a mall and Towelie throws himself at it, soaking it up. Next, he sends himself into a washing machine at a laundromat] And I'm 100% machine washable. I'm just... an ordinary towel, in a lot of ways. [hangs himself up to dry on a clothesline in someone's backyard] Except for one. [back to the studio] I'm addicted to marijuana. And crystal meth. ...aaand crack. [next scene is a wasted Towelie taking another hit from his bong] Scene Description: Nine years ago Towlie started smoking marijuana. Two years later he startedexperimenting with crystal meth. Towelie: [scorched and wasted, walks down the street] Hey buddy, want your dick sucked? [bends over for a moment] Does anybody want their dick sucked by a towel? Stan: Towelie has become a complete nightmare in our town! He's broken into my house twice, and stolen my allowance! I-I've got almost nothing left! Kyle: If we're playing outside he shows up completely wasted and, and screaming how the government is following 'im. Butters: [cries, taking a tissue from the box next to him] Why I, I just don't wanna watch him kill himself... I don't even know who he is anymore! Stan: There's noo doubt in my mind that if we don't get Towelie help, our entire summer is gonna be ruined! [Towelie is shown lighting a joint as the camera pulls away] Scene Description: A Lake Tardicaca, Camp for the Handicapped, day. It sits by the side of a lake, and disabled campers mill around in it. Some campers sit around a campfire, others help set up tents, still others play in the lake. The following song plays as the scene is established Singers: Are you ready for the summer? Are you ready for the good times? Are you ready for the birds and bees? The apple trees? And a whole lot of fooling around? Are you ready for the summer? Are you ready for the good times? Are you ready for the birds and bees? The apple trees? And a whole lot of fooling around? Are you ready for the fireflies, the moonlit skies, and a whole lot of fooling around Scene Description: Timmy and Jimmy walk into camp. Jimmy sports some blue sunglasses. Both boys are dressed for swimming Jimmy: Oh boy, Timmy, it's our favorite time of year. Timmy: Timmeh! Jimmy: We get to see all our old friends again. Hey, there's Francis. Hey Francis! Francis: [practicing how to light a fire with a stick, a bow, and a small board] Hi Jimmy, hi Tim. Timmy: [waves, grinning] Timmy. Specialist 1: Wow, look at Lenora everyone. [Lenora dog-paddles her way to the shore] Good job. Come on, good job Lenora. Ahahall right, good, let's get Lenora a towel. [Lenora begins to shiver. The song ends at this point] Come on, come on, where's the towel? Specialist 2: [looks inside the towel cart] The towel isn't here. I think it's off getting high again. Scene Description: For the past week Towelie has been working at a summer camp for handicapped children. He has been given warnings for getting high fourteen times. Scene Description: Towelie is tying a rubber band around his upper right arm, preparing to inject himself Specialist 3: [walks nearby looking for him] Hey! [startled, Towelie lets the rubber band snap off and fall to the ground] Where is that towel?! Towelie: Oh yeah, just a sec. [the specialist sees him] Stan: [in studio] We went out and got Towelie a job so he could try to pay us back all the money he owes us! [crosses his arms] Stupid towel! Specialist 3: [now next to Towelie] What's going on, Towel? Towelie: Oh yeah I just had to take a piss. Sorry. Specialist 3: We got wet campers down there! Move your ass! Kyle: [in studio] When Towelie is doing heroin, he doesn't care about anything. Towelie: [now wasted and tattered] I don't care about anything. Stupid... handicapped... camp. [walks by a campfire circle where Jimmy is holding court with his team] Jimmy: Alright blue team. As team captain, I need to make sure we are ready for the big camp competition. "Elmer Fudd": Oh we're weady aww wight. We can weawwy stick it to the wed team this yeaw, wahahahaha. "Beaky Buzzard": No way, Red Team can beat us, no way. Haha, hahaha. "Droopy Dawg": Red Team won't know what hit them. Jimmy: All right! Everyone together! Are we gonna beat Red Team this year? Blue Team: Yeah! Timmy: Timmy! Blue Team: Yeah! [a couple of members go on separately] Alright! Scene Description: Nearby, Nathan and a huge boy listen in Nathan: I can't stand him, Mimsy. That Jimmy kid makes my fuckin... skin crawl. Mimsy: Duhh you always hated Jimmy, boss. Ever since he whooped you at soifin' last summer camp, he really took it to you good, haha. Nathan: [smacks him with a right hook and then shakes his fist] Shut up, Mimsssyyy! Mimsy: Doh, sorry, boss. Nathan: Listen to me: there is no way that Blue Team is gonna beat Red Team this year at camp. You got that? Scene Description: Blue Team has beaten Red Team the past three summers at Lake Tardicaca. The three legged race is Blue Team's best event. Nathan: What we need to do, Mimsy, is use a little brainpower to make sure Blue Team can't compete. Mimsy: Oh boy, we're gonna ruin Blue Team's chances, huh? We're gonna break their legs or somethin', boss? Nathan: [smacks him with a right hook and then shakes his fist] Shut up, Mimsssyyy! Just do what I say, and we can make sure Jimmy Valmer gets what's comin' to him. Scene Description: Specialist 1 has applied Towelie to Lenora, and Towelie gets her dry. Specialist 1: There you go, Lenora, all better now? Lenora: Yes, thanks. Towelie: That's right. When you go swimmin', don't forget to bring a... [throws up all over Lenora] Lenora: Uhhh! Specialist 3: Who hired that towel? It can barely walk, let alone dry somebody off. Towelie: [picking a fight] You think you're better than me? Huh?! You think you're fuckin' hot shit?! Stan: [in studio] A lot of times, when Towelie shoots heroin he just... gets angry at everybody. Towelie: You can all suck it! You're all, you're all a bunch of towels, that's what you are! [walks off in disgust] Butters: [in studio, sobbing] The thing is, Towelie was pretty happy before. He had a girlfriend he liked. [a picture of the couple is shown, but her face is blurry. The picture was taken at a restaurant booth] And then she got pregnant and had a little washcloth. [A picture of the three of them at the hospital. She shows off Washcloth, but her face is still blurry] Mm but then Towelie just kept gettin' more and more high, and he got kicked out of the house. Towelie: [wasted. wandering in the woods] Fuck you! Let me talk to 'im! Let me talk to 'im, you bitch! Scene Description: Towelie is attempting to talk to his son. His ex-wife will not let her son talk to Towelie when he is high. Towelie: No! I'm not high! I haven't been high since Wednesday! [the anger leaves his face] Oh. Oh it is Wednesday? Scene Description: Camp Tardicaca, day. One of the specialists stands next to an event scoreboard with ten events listed Specialist 1: [over the megaphone] All right, campers! Our first event is the big canoe race! "Pete Puma": Oh boy, the canoe races! Heeee! [the team turns right and walks away] "Porky Pig": We gotta be uh bitty bitty uh we uh we gotta be we gotta be uh we gotta bibbity beat the Red Team. [turns and walks off with the others. Nearby, Nathan and Mimsy listen in again] Nathan: I've got it, Mimsy. I got a way to win the race and get rid of Jimmy for good. Mimsy: Darrr, oh boy, what are we gonna do, boss? Nathan: Simple, Mimsy. [pulls out a bag with something in it] We're gonna put a little surprise in the canoe. Mimsy: Doh, dohhh, what kind of surprise uh? [Nathan pulls a snake out of the bag by its head] Oh! It's a snake. Nathan: Not just any snake, Mimsy. It's a Black Mamba. Scene Description: The Black Mamba is the deadliest snake known to man. The odds of surviving a Black Mamba in your canoe are 546 to 1. Mimsy: Aww, dah, gee whiz boss, we're gonna kill all the Blue Team and Jimmy, huh? [Nathan shushes him] Specialist 4: You boys excited for the canoe race? Nathan: Yes, counselor Steve. I like the fun canoe. Specialist 4: [encouraged] Canoes are fun, aren't they? [walks away] Nathan: [now that the counselor is gone...] Now take the Black Mamba, [hands the bag to Mimsy] Mimsy, and put it in the canoe. I'm gonna go get our team ready. Scene Description: The teams have sat down inside their canoes Specialist 1: All right, campers are we ready? All: Yeah! Nathan: Good luck, Jimmy. Jimmy: You too, Ne-n-Nathan. Nathan: You're gonna need it, you fuckin' asshole. Specialist 1: Oh your mark, get set. [another specialist shoots off her gun, and both boats take off. Nathan switches his oar to his right side, but notices something on the floor: the Black Mamba Mimsy was to put in the other canoe.] Nathan: Aaah! Holy shit, Mimsy! What the hell did you do?! Mimsy: Darrr, you said to put the Black Mamba in the canoe, boss. Nathan: [shakes his fist] Not in our canoe, Mimsy! Scene Description: Mimsy has put the Black Mamba snake in the wrong canoe. The odds of the Red Team winning the canoe race are now 1 in 19. Scene Description: Nathan's crew begins to bail on him, allowing the Blue Team to win this event "Sylvester": We crossth the finish line firsht! Scene Description: Lake Tardicaca. Steve rushes to a supply shack to get Towelie Steve: [tries to open the door, but finds it locked] Heeey. Hey, we need a towel! [pounds on the door] Towelie: Uh, oh, um, uh, just a sec! Steve: Not just a sec! We've got a whole lot of wet campers down there! [tries to get the door open by throwing himself at it a few times] What's going on?! [kicks the door in and is instantly shocked at what he sees: Towelie on his knees in front of an elderly man who's pulling up his pants] Scene Description: Towelie makes extra money for drugs by offering oral sex to older men. Scene Description: The man rushes out of the shack while the specialist remains speechless Towelie: Hey, you owe me money, asshole! Scene Description: The camp office, later. Specialist 1: That's it, we're done! You are no longer employed here! Kyle: Please, sir. Specialist 1: We need a nice, clean towel here at summer camp. We don't need a towel that shoots heroin and has sex for money! Towelie: Heh, some people are so picky about their towels. Scene Description: Lake Tardicaca, later. Specialist 3: All right campers, next event is the big scavenger hunt! Blue Team is gonna go first. [Nathan and Mimsy stand nearby, overhearing the specialist] Nathan: I finally got it, Mimsy. I got a way we can kill Jimmy and beat the Blue Team. Mimsy: Oh boy, what are we gonna do to him, huh boss? Nathan: Simple. We're gonna get Jimmy killed by Native Americans. [reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a map] Here, take this. [Mimsy takes it and opens it up] It's a fake scavenger hunt map. Mimsy: Dahhh, this map leads to the scavenger hunt? Nathan: No, that map leads to the Indian reservation. We switch this with Blue Team's scavenger hunting map, and they'll end up right on the Tardicaca Indian Reservation. Scene Description: The Tardicaca Indians are extremely protective of their land. Trespassing on the Tardicaca Reservation is considered extremely dangerous. Mimsy: Dah-oh boy! We're gonna get Jimmy killed by Indians, huh boss? [again Nathan shushes him as a specialist draws near to them] Counselor Steve: Are you boys excited for the neat scavenger hunt? Nathan: Yes, Counselor Steve. I like a scavenger hunt. [Steve walks away] Alright Mimsy, now you take this map to the Indian Reservation, and you switch it with Blue Team's map. You got that, Mims? You switch the map! Switch! The map! Mimsy: I got it, boss. Switch the map. Switch the map. [walks away] Scene Description: Lake Tardicaca, day. Nathan leads his team into the woods for scavenging. Mimsy: Dah how come we're scavenger huntin' now, boss? Nathan: Because, stupid, now that we have Blue Team's map we can get their scavenger prize too. Mimsy: Dahhhoh boy! Scene Description: The boys find themselves in a clearing. Nathan takes a look around Nathan: This doesn't make sense. Why would they make us walk this far? We're handicapped. "Turn left at the..." Wait. Waitaminute, what? What the? [finds his way onto the Tardicaca Burial Grounds] Oh fuck! Mimsy! This is the map to the Indian Reservation! Mimsy: Why sure it is, boss. Nathan: I told you to switch this with the map for the Blue Team! Mimsy: No, you told me to switch the map, switch the map, so I switched it, and I switched it. [his motions indicate he just flipped the map this way and that] Nathan: Miiimmmssssyyyy! [all of a sudden, Indians appear on horseback.] Uh, my name is Nathan. I'm disabled. [the Indians fire at him and arrows go flying all over the place. He's struck a few times.] AAAAA! Scene Description: Intervention Scene Description: Towelie is walking towards a Supply Max store Towelie:: Hey everybody. Let's all go to the office supply store. [inside he grabs as many bottles of computer duster as he can] Scene Description: Towelie has run out of money for hard drugs. He now inhales computer duster to get high. Cashier: You must have one dusty computer. Towelie: [irritated] Fuck you! It's not illegal, bitch! [goes to his red car outside, gets in, and closes the door. Inside he takes out a bottle of computer duster and starts sniffing. He goes through bottle after bottle, screwing up his face more and more] I feel like I could conquer the world. Scene Description: Towelie now inhales up to 2,000 cans of computer duster a day. Towelie: [taking a short break from his sniffing] It's like I'm walkin' on sunshine. Butters: [in studio] I really think this intervention is Towelie's last chance. [at the Supply Max parking lot, walks up and kicks the door on Towelie's car] Towelie! Open the door! Towelie: Go away! I'm walking on sunshine! Butters: Towelie, I gotta take you somewhere really important! Towelie: Jus', just let me walk on the sunshine a little more. [Butters waits] Scene Description: Lake Tardicaca, day. The head specialist comes to announce some results Specialist 1: [through the megaphone] All right! In the surfing competition, the Red Team is up three points to two. ["Elmer Fudd" puts his surfboard away] And now it's Jimmy Valmer's turn. [Jimmy goes out into the open water on his board] Timmy: Timmeh! Francis: Gee, I wish our team captain was as awesome as Jimmy. [The camera pans across the dock and on to Nathan and Mimsy] Nathan: I finally got it, Mimsy. I got a way we can get rid of Jimmy once and for all. Mimsy: Oh boy oh boy! What are we gonna do to him, boss? Nathan: Simple. We're gonna get Jimmy eaten by a shark. [pulls out a small box in which is a whistle. He opens the box and takes out the whistle, and hads it to Mimsy] Here, take this. [Mimsy takes it, and Nathan puts the box back in his back pocket] It's a shark-mating whistle. Mimsy: Dahhh okay boss, a shark-mating whistle. We're gonna hit him over the head with it, huh boss?' Nathan: No, you moron. You go under the water and blow that whistle. You can attract sharks right as Jimmy starts to surf. Scene Description: The Tardicaca shark is the deadliest freshwater shark in Colorado. A shark mating whistle can attract the shark from over two miles away. * Colorado Department of Wildlife Mimsy: Dahhh I've got it boss. I blow the whistle and make the shark come and bite Jimmy's legs off. [getting excited] Then he bleeds to death. He's gonna bleed to death. [Nathan shushes him again as Steve walks by] Steve: Are you boys enjoying the fun beach? Nathan: Yes, Counselor Steve. The beach is warm. [Steve walks off] Mimsy: Gee that was a close one, huh boss? They almost had me saying we were gonna kill Jimmy. Nathan: [smacks him with a left hook and then shakes his fist] Shut up, Mimsssyyy! Just swim in the water where Jimmy is, then blow that whistle. Mimsy: Dohh boy! [walks away to complete his mission] Scene Description: On the lake, Jimmy is set to surf to shore. He waits for a wave. On the shore... "Pete Puma": Yeah I don't know, Timmy. Those waves are pretty big, heeeee. Timmy: Timmih. "Beaky Buzzard": Uhuhuh. Don't worry, Jimmy can handle himself. Jimmy: Gonna catch a wave... [no wave is coming. Underwater, Mimsy swims by] Mimsy: Dahhh I got me a shark whistle. Jimmy: Oh boy, here it comes! Here it comes! [a wave rises high behind him and lifts him with it, then crashes down over and in front of him] "Droopy Dawg": Oh no! Jimmy! "Elmer Fudd": Wait, look! He's doing it! [Jimmy rises to the top and the campers cheer. He's doing all the surfing moves. Meanwhile, Mimsy comes out of the water and walks up to Nathan.] Mimsy: Dohoho, oh boy! Nathan: Mimsy, you didn't do wha' I told you. Mimsy: Dahh whattaya mean, boss? You said to swim in the water and to blow the whistle. I swam in the water, so now I'm gonna blow the whistle. [blows hard into the whistle] Scene Description: Mimsy was supposed to blow the shark whistle while still under the water. There appears to have been a fundamental misunderstanding. Scene Description: Mimsy blows the whistle a few more times Nathan: You fucking idiot! You don't blow a shark mating whistle on dry land! You were supposed to blow it- [a shark jumps out of the water, lands on him, and begins to hump him] eh uh uh... Scene Description: Mimsy's error has caused a Lake Shark to come onto the beach and mate with Nathan. The Tardicaca Lake Shark's penis is nine inches long. * Colorado Department of Wildlife Nathan: Mimsssyyy! Get this thing off of meee! Scene Description: Intervention day Stan: [in studio] Today is Towelie's intervention. We have ...no idea how he's gonna react. Butters: Um come on, Towelie, it's, it's right over here. Scene Description: Towelie thinks he is onhis way to the Laundromat. Scene Description: Butters leads a battered and wasted Towelie to a door and opens the door. They walk into the room and see Clyde, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, and Stan, as well as a therapist, all waiting for them. Towelie: Wha' what's goin' on? Jeff Van Vonderen: You wanna come over, have a seat with your friends? [Butters takes a seat between Kyle and Cartman, making space for Towelie to sit between him and Kyle. Towelie follows Butters to the sofa] Towelie: What is everybody doing here? Jeff Van Vonderen: We've all just been talking, Towelie, and and what I'm hearing is a bunch of people here who just love the heck outtaya. And, they're gonna way what they wanna say, and you're gonna say what you wanna say, and we're done. Okay? Butters: [reads from a note he wrote down earlier] Towelie, over the past couple of years, I have seen drug addiction affect you in the following ways. Towelie: Aw Jesus, man. Jeff Van Vonderen: Ah ah Towelie, you need to let him finish. Butters: You're not the towel you used to be. [sniffles] Where, as you used to be fluffy and absorbent, ye-you now are crusty and... and unable to absorb the smallest amount of water. Will you get help today? Towelie: I I don't, I don't get this. Jeff Van Vonderen: Kyle? Kyle: [reads from a note he wrote down earlier] Towelie, over the past few months I have watched you go from an ancillary character with a few amusing catchphrases to a dried out spooge rag covered in the jizz of a thousand older men. Towelie: Could we just end this please? Jeff Van Vonderen: You have to let him finish, Towelie. Kyle: If you do not accept treatment I will no longer give you money or be your friend. I will not help you kill yourself. Jeff Van Vonderen: Alright. Eric, do you wanna go next? Cartman: [reads his note] Kyle, I hate you so much. You are a liar and a swindler who would do anything for money, and I-. Kyle: We're here for Towelie, fatass! Cartman: I'm supposed to be allowed to finish, right? Is that right? [clears his throat] The Jews have been persecuted across the earth for good reason, Kyle. You are a race of beady-eyed thieves who are always wan- [Kyle walks over and rips the note from Cartman's hands] Kyle: This is serious, you fucking asshole! Cartman: I'm being serious, Kyle! Hello?! Jeff Van Vonderen: Kyle, we have to let people be allowed to finish during interventions. Kyle: But he's just using his time on television to rant about- Jeff Van Vonderen: Kyle please, It is not your turn! Cartman: [takes his note back. Kyle walks back to his seat] You are a race of beady-eyed thieves, Kyle, who throughout the millennia have squirmed and worked your way into the dark cubbyholes of society. [puts down that sheet, but reaches into his back pocket for another one] Where exactly did the Jews first get their power and how are they able to manipulate our minds today? Kyle: Oh my God! Scene Description: Lake Tardicaca, night. Time for the Talent Show Competition! A Hawaiian song starts up. Jimmy is singing and playing ukulele Jimmy: It's a snap at Tardicaca Camp to learn to do the hula hula danceI fell in love with a Tardicaca dove while doin' that funny funny dance.And that poor little kid, why she never did know what love had in store.So I made up my mind- Nathan: Get ready, Mimsy. Blue Team is about to go boom. Scene Description: Nathan and Mimsy stand in the shadows with their fingers in their ears Scene Description: Red Team planted half a pound of C4 in Jimmy's ukulele. It is set to go off during the ukulele solo of 'Tardicaca Hula Gal' Jimmy: So I made up my mind that I've just got to find the Tardicaca girl I did adore. Campers: Wawawawander... Jimmy: Hurr a little Tardicaca... Campers: Hula... Jimmy: She's a candy cane to wiggle Campers: Hula... Jimmy: She's sure to make you g-giggle. Campers: Hula... Jimmy: With her naughty little wiggle. I know someday Campers: Hula... Jimmy: I'm gonna try to make that Tardicaca gally mine, gally mine.'Cause all the while I'm dreaming of her. My Tardicaca Hola Gal! [begins playing the solo, but hits a B, which is off] Oh sorry, that's not right. Hang on. [tries playing it again, but this time hits an A. Behind some trees, Nathan and Mimsy look on] Mimsy: Dahh I don't think he's playing the right note, boss. The C4 aint gonna go off. Nathan: [smacks him with a right hook and then shakes his fist] Shut up, Mimsssyyy! Scene Description: Intervention. Cartman continues to speak and now has a pile of notes to his right about two feet tall, enough for twelve thick books Cartman: If in fact the Jews truly are shapeshifters, and I believe I've presented enough evidence here to prove that they are, then we must unite as a species to fight them and stop their plan of global domination and the control of our freedom. [puts the note on top of the pile and sits there quietly] Jeff Van Vonderen: Okay, Stan, you want to go next? Stan: [reads his note] Towelie, if you do not go to treatment, we will all ignore you forever. Will you go? Towel: What treatment?! What are you all talkin' about?! Jeff Van Vonderen: If you say yes, we leave here, pack your things, get on a plane, go to a treatment facility in Southern California, it's all set up. Towelie: No! Fuck no! I'm not gettin' on, no fucking plane! This is bullshit! Don't give me fuckin' ultimatums! I thought you were my fuckin' friends. Jeff Van Vonderen: Well Towelie, your friends don't wanna watch you kill yourself anymore. Towelie: Then fuck them! You're tellin' me I have to do this? Uh, I'm not left with any decisions here! [storms out of the intervention room] Butters: [emotional] Towelie! We aren't the only ones in this intervention who've been hurt by you! Towelie: Who are you talkin' about?! [Butters pulls out Washcloth from his back pocket and cries] Washcloth? You, you brought Washcloth?! Oh, that's low. Scene Description: Lake Tardicaca, night. Jimmy is still singing "Tardicaca Hula Gal" Jimmy: Out on the beach with my cute little peach where the waves are rolling in so highHolding her hand, our feet on the sand- Nathan: Dammit dammit! Scene Description: Jimmy has skipped the ukulele solo and moved on to the second verse of 'Tardicaca Hula Gal'. This has set back Nathan's plans immensely. Nathan: Mimsy, get out there and demand the ukulele solo. It's our only chance. Mimsy: Dahh okay boss. [goes towards the stage] Jimmy: If you get in a pinch, go through, it's a cinch- Mimsy: [at the stage] Darrr we want the ukulele solo! We want the ukulele solo! Jimmy: Sorry Mims, I I just can't remember it. Mimsy: Well we wants ya to play it, don't we? Nathan: [behind the audience] Yeeeah! Jimmy: Alright Mimsy, m-maybe you can show me how it's done. [hands the ukulele to Mimsy] Mimsy: [hesitates, then] Dahh okay. It's real easy. You just play it like this. [takes the ukulele and begins to play] Nathan: [runs up and takes the ukulele from Mimsy] Mimsssyyy! You idio', wha' are you doin'? Mimsy: D'I was gonna show him how to play the solo, boss. Nathan: That DOES it! I'm sick and tired of your stupidity, Mimsy! You are the biggest idiot I have ever met! And from now on, if I wanna do something, I'm gonna do it myself! [plays the solo and hits the right note. The ukulele blows up, launching him into the air] AAAAAAAA! Scene Description: Nathan's frustration with Mimsy has caused a momentary lapse in judgement. He has played the B flat himself, thus causing his plan to literally backfire on him. Nathan: [lands with a thud on the beach] Uuuh! [gets up and swoons. The black mamba snake comes up and bites him on the left arm] AAAH! [a group of Tardicaca Indians rides by and shoots arrows into him. He falls to the ground again. The Tardicaca shark comes up out of the water again and humps him, again.] No, not the shark again! Not the shark again! Scene Description: The intervention room. Towelie, Butters, and the therapist are all crying as Washcloth just lays there at the edge of a sofa cushion. Towelie: Oh no, oh Washcloth, I'm so sorry. Butters: He needs you to get better, Towelie. Please. [resumes crying] Jeff Van Vonderen: You've got so many people that just love the heck out of ya, Towelie. [resumes crying] Towelie: All right. All right, I'll go. Butters: You will? Towelie: I don't wanna hurt Washcloth anymore. Jeff Van Vonderen: He's goin', everybody. Hugs! [the other boys come in and hug Towelie] Scene Description: Lake Tardicaca, day. The paramedics have been called in and are preparing Nathan for the trip to the hospital "Elmer Fudd": Ohh Wed Team. Your captain weawwy got waped. "Pete Puma": I've never seen a kid get screwed by a shark before. Heeee! "Beaky Buzzard": I hope I never see it again. Ahhahahaha. Jimmy: Nathan, your team put up an amazing fight. And even though I was crowned the King of Cripple Camp, I want you to know that you were the real ch-cha, champ. Nathan: I hate you, Jimmy. I fucking hate you with everything in my entire being. Mimsy: Dahhh you sure got it stuck it to you this year, boss. Nathan: Shut up... Mimsssyyy. [the paramedics lift Nathan into the ambulance and take off] Scene Description: Towelie is shown in flight Scene Description: Towelie is going to Ocean View Terrace Treatment Center in Rancho Palos Verdes, California Scene Description: Towelie is shown approaching the front doors to the treatment center with a small suitcase Counselor: Hi, Towelie? Towelie: Yeah, hi. Counselor: [in his office] Towelie is definitely one of the most addicted towels we've ever seen here. He's probably the second most psychologically damaged towel I've come across since treating Kirstie Alley's towel, which, had seen some... uuff, some nasty stuff. Towelie: [on a bench overlooking the ocean] I don't know what tomorrow's gonna bring, but I'm learnin' to love what I am. I'm a towel. Singer: Veins swell You know me, Ellen Enough to tell Five steps, you're over Scene Description: Towelie finished treatment and is back living with his girlfriend Rebecca. He has been sober since April 26, 2010. Scene Description: If you know a towel that is suffering from addiction, please go to www.restorestephenbaldwin.org

Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. School lets out for the day, but Cartman sits in front of his locker crying. Stan and Kyle come into view and walk towards him Stan: Cartman, dude, what's wrong? Cartman: [crying quietly] Nothing. Just leave me alone, okay? Kyle: Dude, you've been sitting at your locker crying since lunch break. Something's going on. Cartman: It's just uh... that essay that Garrison assigned us. Kyle: "What I Wanna Be When I Grow Up"? Cartman: I don't like thinking about what I wanna be when I grow up, alright?! [buries his head in his lap and cries some more] Stan: Why not? Cartman: Because when I grow up, I wanna be something that I know I can never be, Stan! Stan: [faces Cartman] Cartman, tell us. Cartman: [sniffs] No... I wanna be a NASCAR driver, okay? When I see the... car races on TV, those... loud engines and peeling wheels, it's soo cool! [cries some more] Stan: Well Cartman, if you wanna drive NASCAR when you grow up, you can. Cartman: [cynically, walks off a bit] Oh right. Someone like me can be a NASCAR driver. [turns around and faces the boys] Look at me! [gestures to himself] Do you really think someone like this can ever become an awesome, famous NASCAR driver? [turns away] Kyle: Aww. Cartman, you can change things about yourself. Cartman: No I can't; I'll always be like this. [wipes tears away] Stan: Dude, noo, you- you don't know that. Cartman: Come on you guys, I have to face facts. NASCAR is only for poor and stupid people. I don't have what it takes! [cries some more] Kyle: [reassessing his assumption] What?! Cartman: I'm not poor and stupid enough to do NASCAR, and I never will be! Stan: Dude, I don't think just poor and stupid people like NASCAR! Cartman: Oh really? Hey, hey Kenny! Kenny: [looks up from his locker] (What?) Cartman: You love NASCAR huh? Kenny: [showing the posters inside his locker] (Yeah dude, I looove NASCAR.) Cartman: You see I told you guys! [turns and walks to his locker] What's the use? It just, it's hopeless! [puts his arm on the locker and rests his head on his arm] Kyle: Cartman, you are poor and you are stupid! Cartman: [lifts his head up] I know you're trying to make me feel better, Kyle, but a rich smart kid has no place on a racetrack. [goes back to crying] Stan: Dude, you are so retarded! Cartman: Thanks, Stan, but even if I was I'd still be too rich. Kyle: How are you rich?! Your mom pays for everything! Cartman: [stops crying and brightens up] You guys really think I could do this, don't you? You really believe in me. [smiles] Kyle: I believe that you're a broke, ignorant idiot! Cartman: Then maybe I can make myself believe it too. [getting confident] Thanks you guys. I'm gonna go chase a dream. [Stan and Kyle just look at each other.] Scene Description: Butters' house, some time later. Cartman walks up to the front door and knocks. A smiling Butters walks up to the door and opens it Cartman: Butters. Butters: Hey Eric. Cartman: Butters, the guys have been talkin' to me and well, they've got me pretty pumped up. [pumps both fists] I'm psyched, Butters. I'm about to do somethin' big and [pumps both fists] I'm psyched! Butters: Ahhh well oh-[pumps his right fist] kay. Cartman: But [points his right index finger at him] I'm gonna need your help. [points both index fingers at him] Can you get psyched?? Are you gonna get [pumps both fists twice] psyched up?? Butters: Eeyeah, I'm psyched. Cartman: Get really psyched up, Butters! Butters: [starts pacing back and forth with energy] I'm really psyched! Yeah! Yeah let's do this alright?! I'm pumped I'm psyched! Alright. Yeah. Cartman: I'm gonna become a NASCAR driver, Butters. I'm goin' for the gold! Butters: NASCA- NASCAR? Cartman: I know, I'm not poor an' stupid enough. But I change that, Butters, [reaches to his left and pulls into view a water jug full of small change] Here, I want you to take all my money. Every bit of it, Butters. Fifty-eight dollars and thirty-two cents. Butters: You're givin' away all your money?? Cartman: [points] Just get rid of it Butters! Don't tell me where you spend it and don't ever let me have it back. [lowers his finger] From this moment on, I am poor. Like Kenny. Butters: You sure you want to do this? Cartman: [points] I told you I'm serious, Butters. [lowers his finger] This is my shot. I'm gonna get as poor an' stupid as I possibly can. Scene Description: The South Park Mall, evening. A NASCAR display is at the center of the mall, with car and a box of calendars, and a spokesman Spokesman: Alright folks, we wanna thank you all for comin' out an' supporting NASCAR. Kenny: [takes a 2011 calendar] (Yeah! How cool!) Spokesman: Now who's ready for Saturday's big race? [the crowd cheers] Kenny: (Woohoo!) Spokesman: We're really excited to be part of the fastest-growing sport in America! [the crowd cheers] Kenny: (Woohoo!) Spokesman: I don't know about you, but I'm thrilled to watch NASCAR finally becoming recognized as a respected, legitimate sport. [the crowd cheers] Kenny: (Yeah! Yeeaahh!) Butters: [appears, hauling a cart] Hello! 'Scuse me! [the crowd quiets down and looks] I know that you NASCAR people don't have very much. So I went out and bought you all [shows off his haul] fifty-eight dollars worth of canned food and blankets! You're welcome! [turns around and skips away grinning] Heh! I helped the needy! [Kenny watches him leave] Scene Description: Cartman's house, night, Cartman is on the sofa watching TV upside down. He strapped himself down so he doesn't slip off the sofa. His face is turning red from the blood pooling up under his skin Man 1: [voice-over] Boy I tell you what, it is raining cats and dogs outside. Mostly cats. [laughter] I just wish I had brought an umbrella. Butters: Hey Eric. Cartman: Ahh Butters. Did you give away all my money? Butters: Yep. You don't have a penny left. [points] You're poor as shit. [looks him over] How come you're hangin' upside down? Cartman: I need to get stupid, Butters. I'm getting all the blood to rush to my head and watchin' a marathon of Two and a Half Men. Charlie: Hey- that's a hot girl over there. [giggles] Jake: Sure she's hot. She's wearing a sweater. [giggles. The studio audience giggles and applauds] Butters: Feel stupid yet? Cartman: Not yet. Scene Description: Commercial - Vagisil Woman 1: When a woman isn't feeling her freshest, she turns to Vagisil- Cartman: Aw Goddammit, another Vagisil commercial?! Woman 1: To stop feminine itching, and relieve vaginal odors. Cartman: Fucking gross! Butters: All those ladies have stinky vaginas? Woman 1: If you develop an allergic reaction, see your doctor. In some cases Vagisil can lead to short-term memory loss. Woman 2: For the freshest, cleanest feminine area, do what women do. Cartman: [quickly rights himself and stands up] Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! Did you hear that?! [clicks on the remote control to reverse it, then plays and echoes the commercial] "In some cases Vagisil can lead to short-term memory loss." [clicks the remote to pause the playback] Oh my God, Butters... [makes a fist with his left hand] we need Vagisil! Scene Description: A supermarket. Cartman and Butters are in the feminine hygiene section Cartman: "Vagisil, Vagisil Maximum Strength, Vagisil Wash, Vagisil Medicated Wipes." Butters: Gee-whiz, there's Vagi-everythings. Cartman: Which one do I use to kill brain cells? Well, just buy me one of each of 'em, Butters. Butters: Wuh- uh I'm buyin'? Cartman: I'm totally poor Butters. Did you forget? Butters: But but I uh, I uh, I didn't bring any money, I didn't know I had to buy Vagisil. Cartman: Goddammit Butters! Alright just... just keep a lookout, I'll try it here. [positions him] Look that way, make sure the cashier doesn't see me. [As Butters keeps a look out, Cartman opens a tube of Vagisil anti-itch cream and begins to swallow it. Then he takes a bottle of wash and chugs that down, following that up with two more tubes, then more products] Is anybody coming? Butters: No, you're good. [behind them a woman and her daughter walk by and stop to look. Cartman chugs down another bottle of feminine wash] Cartman: Mm, 'kay, Mm. [throws the bottle away] N-oh, ew, okay, now it's... [grabs a tube of maximum strength anti-itch cream] Woman 3: Little boy, what are you doing? [Cartman looks over his shoulder, then turns around to look at her. Butters notices and does the same. A few seconds later, Cartman turns away] Cartman: Oh my God! Butters! [taps Butters' shoulder and Butters turns around] I feel kind of stupid! Butters: Really? Cartman: Yes, YES! I'm feeling totally stupid right now. Butters: That was fast. Cartman: Grab what you can and let's get out of here. I'm ready! Scene Description: Race day at Colorado National Speedway. The NASCAR drivers are lined up in two columns awaiting the start of the race. Announcer: We're just seconds away from the start of the Denver 300. [Dale Evans is shown in his car] Butters: Excuse me. Mr. Evans, sir? [Dale looks over to his left. Butters is in the pit stop] Your uh, your wife is on the phone and- uh, well- she just got raped. Dale: What? Butters: Yeah, she got, she got raped a lot and uhhh- and you gotta go talk to her. Dale: Oh my God! [gets out of his car, throws down his helmet, and goes to the pit area] Cartman: [walks towards the car] Sweet. Nice work, Butters. Now go be my spotter so we can win this thing! [puts on the helmet and climbs into the car] Butters: [now on the walkie-talkie] Eric, are you sure you can do this? Cartman: [Swallows another tube of Vagisil] Don't worry, Butters, I'm totally poor and stupid. I'm ready for NASCAR. Announcer: Let the race begin! Cartman: Let's go NASCAR! [the other drivers zoom past him. He steers the wheel, but realizes] I'm not moving, Butters. Butters: I think you gotta press the gas pedal. Cartman: What's that? Butters: There's like a long pedal on the floor by your right foot. Cartman: Oh okay. [leans down to press it. He burns rubber and takes off, as "La Grange" by ZZ Top plays] Let's go NASCAR! [he immediately crashes into the wall and tries to power out of it. Suddenly, he turns left and goes back the other way] Announcer: It looks like the Dale Evans car is going the wrong way! Cartman: Kewl, NASCAR! Sweet! [the other drivers round the corner and avoid him. Car #78 crashes through the wall and plows up the bleachers. Cartman tries to turn around but goes up into the air and into the pit area. Everyone there gets out of the way. He hits a low wall and goes up into the air again...] Cartman: [abash] Oh, fuck my ass! [he lands in a lake by the Winners Circle.] Butters: [on the walkie-talkie and mortified] Eric? Scene Description: A hospital recovery room, night. Cartman is laid up in bed, and Butters is keeping him company. Cartman's right leg is in a cast and up in a sling Cartman: All that work... All the effort I put in... I still wasn't poor and stupid enough to win. Butters: Eric, uh you were as poor and stupid as you could be. Cartman: [looks away] Don't you get it Butters?! It's never gonna happen for me! Those people are way more poor and stupid than I'll ever be. I might as well kill myself. Butters: Eric! Don't ever talk like that! Cartman: I've given away all my money! Drank enough Vagisil to kill every brain cell I have! But it still wasn't enough. Doctor: [enters the room] Alright Eric, we got the X-rays back. Butters: How bad is it, doctor? Doctor: He has two fractured ribs, a broken femur, torn ligaments in both knees, and a level 2 concussion. He also appears to be developing three small vaginas in his stomach, but they are all sparkling clean. Butters: Well at least there's that. Cartman: Just pull the plug on me, doctor. I don't wanna live like this. Doctor: You aren't on life-support. Pulling a plug wouldn't do anything. Cartman: Aw donkey balls... Doctor: You're lucky to be alive, young man. Sneaking onto a NASCAR racetrack and hijacking a car for a joyride? That has got to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard of a kid doing! [walks away] Cartman: Thanks, doc, but you aren't gonna make me feel any better. Doctor: [turns around] No, really. Of all the idiotic dumb ways I've seen kids injure themselves, yours takes the retard cake! [walks out of the room] Butters: Did you hear that, Eric? See? You are really stupid. Cartman: Could it be I... only lost the race because I somehow wasn't poor enough? Butters: It has to be, Eric. [Cartman moves his right leg out of the sling and gets out of bed.] Eric, where are you going? Cartman: Get me my coat, Butters. We're gonna try this thing again. [Butters brightens up] Scene Description: Kenny's house, day. Kenny is reading a NASCAR magazine on the sofa FOX 11 anchor: You're watching Colorado FOX 11. Next on FOX 11 News, are NASCAR fans stupid? [Kenny looks up] Some people are starting to wonder after a NASCAR fan apparently got high on Vagisil and snuck onto the track, killing eleven people. Reporter: Tom, the NASCAR fan got into a car here on Sunday and crashed in the lake behind me. He was later found to have ingested this [holds up a tube] Maximum Strength Vagisil. And also Vagisil medicated wipes. Making NASCAR fans look ...pretty stupid, Tom. Kenny: [closes his magazine and throws it on the sofa in a blind rage] (No! NASCAR fans aren't stupid! Cartman is!) Reporter: The NASCAR fan vows he will try to do it again, but that this time, he'll win. Kenny: (Oh that fucking asshole!) [gets off the couch and walks out the front door, vexed] (Oh that fucking asshole, I'm gonna talk to him...) Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. A vile Kenny walks over to Cartman's house, goes up the steps, and he furiously pounds and kicks at the front door until Cartman answers it Cartman: Oh hey, Kenny! [Kenny is not happy and his arms are crossed] Kenny: [furious] (Dude, what the fuck are you doing?!) Cartman: Come in dude, I wanna show you what I've been workin' on. [Kenny follows him in. Cartman shows him all the stuff he purchased - a jet ski, a Room-bot, a 7.1 speaker system, a plasma TV, an LCD monitor, a VHS/DVD combo player] Check it out. I thought I could just give all my money away and be as poor as your family, but then I realized: what do poor people do? Buy things even though they don't have money by going out and purchasing things that are 0% down and no payments for two years! That's how you people stay poor forever! Am I right? That's it, right? [Kenny is still pissed off] Kenny: (Dude, fuck you!) Cartman: Kenny, I'm just trying to get good at NASCAR. Kenny: (Being poor has nothing to do with NASCAR!) Cartman: [annoyed] Hey, I love NASCAR just as much as you do! Kenny: [apoplectically] (NO, YOU FUCKING DON'T!!) Cartman: Oh it's sooo easy for you, isn't it, Kenny?! I've had to become poor all on my own, you know?! I wasn't born with a plastic spoon in my mouth! Kenny: [thinks for a moment] (WHAT?!) Cartman: I've had to go buy stuff with 0% down and no payments for two years my-self! I didn't have parents to do it for me like you do! [Kenny raises his fists up, but Cartman hugs him with one arm] Look Keh- Kenny, Kenny. We shouldn't be fighting. We both love NASCAR and we're both poor as shit. Man: [appears at the front door] Uh, excuse me. [Cartman sees him and walks to the door] Eric Cartman? Cartman: Yeah? Man: My name is Geoff Hamill. I'm the founder and CEO of Vagisil. Cartman: ...Uh oh. Geoff Hamill: Young man, your NASCAR stunt has brought a lot of attention to Vagisil and honestly, I don't know how to thank you. Our sales are up and women are finally realizing that their feminine odor can be treated. I first created Vagisil for my wife, Patty. [steps aside to reveal Patty standing halfway out in the yard] She's my Muse, my flame. We realized that NASCAR can do a lot for product recognition and so, Vagisil has a little present... for you. [turns around and walks out, showing off a brand-new Vagisil NASCAR car] Cartman: Awww, sweet! [runs to the car, then runs his right hand over the body] No way, this is so tits! Geoff Hamill: Vagisil would like you to represent us in the next NASCAR race. Cartman: Dude, check it out, Kenny! My very own NASCAR! Kenny: [angrily in disbelief] (No fucking way!) Geoff Hamill: And we've modified the cockpit to be operated properly by a child. Cartman: Aww coool, huh Kenny? [Makes engine revving and shift change noises] I got a NASCAR, Kenny! [Geoff looks at Kenny, smiling] So awesome, huh Kenny? [Kenny can only look on angrily] Scene Description: A conference room, day. A NASCAR spokesman holds a mic Announcer: We are now live at the NASCAR press conference, where the drivers of Saturday's race are gearing up and taking questions from reporters. Reporter 1: So uh what's your guys' take on the track here? Any concerns? [present are Dale Earnhardt, Jr., Jimmie Johnson, Danica Patrick, Jeff Gordon, Tony Stewart, Eric Cartman, and Matt Kenseth] Jimmie Johnson: Well I think it's a fine track, you know. The- the techs have done a really good job of makin' sure the banks are grafted down to the right specs and there shouldn't be any problems- Cartman: [doing a redneck accent and acting completely stupid] Yeah, we like the track, yup. We gotta graft them banks an' specs, it's like an oval, so we're gonna drive straight and then we're gonna be turnin' to the left. Reporter 2: Uhhh they're saying hot weather tomorrow; any concerns about restrictor plate or brake fade problems? Jeff Gordon: Of course, any time you're dealin' with high humidity and temperatures you need to compensate your brake fluid, but the plates themselves- Cartman: Compensate yer blake fluid an' git yer, git yer... b-brake workin' so you can stop sometimes. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Hey excuse me, who is this kid? Is he even a driver? Cartman: Ewww, bring it on, Earnhardt, you scared of the competition?! I'm just as poor an' stupid as you! I'm gonna drive and I'm gonna go fayast and I'm gonna turn to the left sometimes! Danica Patrick: Can we just, get back to the subject of racing, please? Cartman: Uh-ho! Bring it on, Danica! You dumb bitch! Think I can't steer left better than you?! Scene Description: After the press conference, Cartman meets up with Butters Butters: You seemed really stupid, Eric. Cartman: Thanks, B-butts. I really think I can hold my own against these guys. Little worried about that Jimmie Johnson guy though; he seems dumber than spit. And that Danica Patrick chick? Phew! We're gonna need to get even poorer and stupider, Butters. Both of us. Scene Description: Mick's Lanes. Kenny is at the bar drinking glass after glass of water, looking depressed. On TV, Pardon The Interruption airs Tony Kornheiser: Alright, from the NFL we now turn to the world of NASCAR! People who weren't sure what to think of NASCAR are more sure today after a NASCAR driver released bigoted and ignorant statements on his podcast. Scene Description: Cartman is in a studio of his making; a confederate flag hangs on the wall, a checkered flag with NASCAR next to it hangs above a propane grill (indoors) an unmade bed in the background. He himself looks like he's wasted on Vagisil. He clears his throat and begins recording Cartman: Alright, what's up NASCAR fans? I don't know about y'all, but this President Obama is pissin' me off! So I'm gonna do some dip and speak my mind. Today I'm gonna be dippin'... [holds up a bottle] Vagisil Regular Strength Anti-Itch Creme. [squeezes some out and rubs it all over his lips] Oh yeah. Yeah, that's a big dipper right there. But I'm pretty pissed off at what I found out. I found out this "Obama" wants to put a bigger tax on gasoline! [spits into a can] What the fuck is up with that?! That's fuckin' gay! And he's fuckin' gay as hell! [Kenny buries his face in the counter, in shame. On screen, Butters appears behind Cartman] You all know my pit boss, Butters. [Butters appears over by the grill, also with a mouthful of Vagisil] Butters: Obama's fuckin' gay. Cartman: He's fuckin' gay as hell! Butters: Pissin' me off! Cartman: [dips again and rubs it on his lips] So y'all be sure to catch us in our next race. We're about as poor an' stupid as they fuckin' come, so come down an' cheer for us at NASCAR on Saturday! Obama's gay as hell! Tony Kornheiser: [back to Kenny sitting watching TV at Mick's Lanes] Well if you ask me, that's all the proof we need that NASCAR really is just for the poor... [sharply] and the stupid. Kenny: [Kenny has enough as he slammed his fist in anger] (Fuck this!) [leaves the bar, livid] Scene Description: Saturday at Colorado National Speedway. The Vagisil car is prepared as Cartman sits in it Commentator 1: The stage is set for what could be the most important race of the NASCAR year. Commentator 2: Lots of speculation and interest in the Vagisil car, driven by Eric Cartman. We are joined now by the inventor and owner of Vagisil, Geoff Hamill. Geoff: Thank you, Chris. Chris: [Commentator 2] Geoff? Why did you decide to sponsor a NASCAR driver? Geoff: Vagisil is very excited to be part of the NASCAR phenomenon, Chris. You know, I... first created Vagisil to try and help my wife, Patty. She is my Muse, my flame. Wherever Patty goes her smile lights up the room. Her vagina, on the other hand, clears the room and makes it uninhabitable for weeks. Commentator 1: Ohkay, well the race is about to start, so why don't we kick it back down to the track? Announcer: [Over the PA system] Gentlemen, start your engines! [the crowd begins to cheer] Cartman: Alright, "start your engine." What's that mean? Pit crewman: That means you flip the switch that says "Engine." [to Butters] Is he stupid or what? Butters: Yeah, he's a champion alright. Scene Description: At the Speedway entrance, Kenny approaches the racetrack entrance with a tote bag Security guard: Check your bag please, sir? [Kenny hands him the bag. The guard checks the bag and pulls out a long rifle] No, no, see, this won't do. You can't bring a sniper rifle onto the track. Kenny: (Aww, come on!) Security guard: Look, NASCAR is trying to change its image. It's people like you that are givin' NASCAR a bad name! Kenny: (Aw come on, fuck you!) [enters] Security guard: You might be able to buy one in the gift shop. [inside, the cars begin to move down pit lane] Scene Description: On the track Announcer: [Over the PA] The drivers are slowly heading out to follow the pace car. Cartman: [in the redneck accent] Then I'm gonna press the gas pedal and I'm gonna go forward. [does so and rear-ends #78, then back up and swerves onto the track and sideswipes #95 and #78] NASCAR! Yee-ah! Pit crewman: This is just the pace lap, you don't go full speed yet! Cartman: Yeah, just the pace lap! I'm gonna hit the, hit the brake! [hits the brakes and #7 runs into him. Danica Patrick is the driver] Danica Patrick: [infuriated] The fuck are you doing?! Cartman: [gives her the middle finger] Fuck you, Danica Patrick! You ain't half as dumb as me! Gas pedal! [steps on the gas and peels away. Other cars pass Danica, whose engine is now on fire] Danica Patrick: Oh, son of a bitch! Cartman: Woowee, ain't nobody can stop muhey! Scene Description: in the sports booth Commentator 1: And it looks like the Vagisil car has already clipped two other drivers and taken them out of the race. Chris: Yea, the other drivers are not going to be happy about this. What do you think, Mr. Hamill? Geoff Hamill: Vagisil is a company that really stands behind its product, Chris. We want women to know that Vagisil is effective, safe for use every day, [looks at Patty and enunciates] Every. Day. [she just stands there] Every. Day. [she looks down and away] ...And available nationwide. Scene Description: On the track, the racers speeding on each other, Cartman side smashes the #52 car to a wall causing it to spin out Butters: Be careful up here about a hundred yards, Eric. There's a wrecked car on the right side. [Danica Patrick finally comes out of her car] You're gonna wanna watch for it here. You're gonna wanna watch it over on the right side. Cartman: Oh yeah, I see it. [Cartman avoids the car, but runs over Danica, who was trying to make it across the track to the field inside] Danica Patrick: AAAAAA! [Cartman keeps going and ran over her] Cartman: [looks over his right shoulder, then faces forward again] You see that? Daynicuh Patrick tried to get in my way. That pisses me off! Butters: That's fuckin' gay as hell. Cartman: Whoop I'm comin' up on that turn thing again. I got to stayer left. [turns the steering wheel hard to the left and drives through the drivers' eating area and the pedestrians all running and screaming, Cartman ran over most of them and some survived by running from the side] Get out of the way you idiots, I'm tryin' to win this dayum thang! "[Cartman made it back on the track]" Butters: There you go. You're back on the track. Cartman: I'm back own the track. [An enraged Kenny makes his way down the bleacher steps towards the track. He jumps onto the track and lands on the Vagisil car. He turns around on the car roof and looks into the car through the windshield, Cartman also enraged as well] What the... Kenny! What the hell are you doing?! Kenny: [pounds on the windshield] (Stop this car!) Cartman: [irked] Get off my car, Kenny! Kenny: [inflamed] (Stop this car right now!) Butters: Oh man, now our friend Kenny's tryin' to break the windshield. Ain't that just gay as hell? [the #14 car is getting its wheels changed when Cartman barrels into it, causing it to flip over and land on its pit crew, killing them] Cartman: We're tradin' paint! [further down the track he hits two other cars, which then slammed into each other. Back to Cartman, he's furious] Oh it's sooo easy for you, isn't it, Kenny?! I have to prove myself! Kenny: [incensed] (I fucking hate you!) Cartman: [determined and angered] Sorry dude, I'm winning this race! Hit the brake! Bye Kenny. [steps on the brakes, launching Kenny at the end of the track] Kenny: (AAAAAAAAAAAAAA...) [goes a long distance before the first bounce, then bounces a few more times. Two other cars remain on the track, and they pass Cartman] Driver: Oh Jesus, there's a little boy on the track. [the two cars swerve just in time, but one crashes into the outer wall, the other into the inner wall, Kenny ducks] Scene Description: in the booth Chris: Well it appears that all the other drivers have crashed and only the Vagisil car remains. Looks like you're going to win, Mr. Hamill. Geoff Hamill: This is such a great day for Vagisil, Chris. Our product awareness will be at an all-time high. Feminine odor must be treated diligently. [looks over at Patty] Very. Diligently. [a look of shock crosses his face. Patty is gone. The cameramen wonder what's going on.] Patty? Patty? Scene Description: On the track, Patty walks over to the #48 car and pulls its driver out. She climbs in Announcer: It looks like a woman is trying to take over for Jimmie Johnson's car. [Mr. Hamill and the commentators join him in his booth] Geoff Hamill: What? [Patty gets the car started and backs up. Determined, she takes off as "La Grange" starts playing again] Lowes pit boss: Ma'am? You are on an active racetrack. This is extremely dangerous. Geoff Hamill: Let me talk to her. [puts on the pit boss's headphones] Patty? Patty, what are you doing? [Patty skillfully drives the car around the track] Patty, pull over the NASCAR. You're acting irrationally. Patty, did you forget to take your medication? You know how you get when you don't use your Vagisil. There should be some in your purse, my Muse. Patty? [she reaches Cartman and taps his car with Johnson's] Scene Description: On the track, Patty hits Cartman from behind. Cartman: Aww! You dumb bitch! Butters, this bitch is tryin' to wreck mah car. Butters: I know. That pisses me off. That's fuckin' gay. Cartman: Fuckin' gay as hell. [Patty pulls up to his left, taps him a bit, then pulls away.] Geoff Hamill: Patty, you are my Muse, and my flame. Announcer: They are neck and neck approaching the finish line. [This time she bumps him off. Cartman's car spins out then flips up in the air...] Cartman: [Shocked] Oh, fuck my ass again! [...and crashes upside down into the outer wall. Patty goes onto the finish line, getting the victory for Jimmie Johnson] Geoff Hamill: [Geoff is frustrated] HAAAAAAAAAA! Scene Description: Moments later, at the winners' circle. Lots of cheers as Patty Hamill shows off the huge trophy, an angry Geoff walks to her Announcer: Big celebration for the Lowe's Home Improvement team. Geoff Hamill: Patty! How could you?! You've ruined us! You've ruined Vagisil! Scene Description: nearby, Cartman and Butters look on, Cartman's NASCAR racesuit is slightly has ash and his hair as well, while he brush himself off in defeat. Kenny walks up to Cartman and angrily points Kenny: (HA! You fucking lose!) [crosses his arms in triumph] Cartman: No, no, Kenny, go ahead. I deserve it. [Kenny is confused] I thought I could just waltz onto a racetrack and do what these people do. But I owe you an apology. The truth is I'm just too smart. And with how smart I am I'll always be successful and therefore have money. I just have to accept I'm too smart and rich for NASCAR. Time for me to give it up. Alright Butters, give me back my money. Butters: [flabbergasted] Huh? Cartman: [livid] The fifty eight dollars and thirty two cents I gave you! I want it back! Butters: Uh, but- but you- you said I had to [begins to stammer, both walk off, as Kenny stares in confusion] s-spend on it on the... buy what I can start buyin' and start way in- bu- so get buy- [unintelligible] Cartman: Goddammit Butters, you'd better have it! Butters, you're always trying to screw me over! Butters: But you said to take your money so I took it by [unintelligible] Ah I don't know.

Scene Description: The Broflovski house, dining room table, evening. The family is gathered at table eating dinner Kyle: Mom, Dad, what's "muff cabbage"? [Gerald and Sheila pause. They look at each other, then turn back to their son] Gerald: [confused] Muff cabbage? Sheila: [also confused] Where did you hear that? Ike: Muff cabbage! Kyle: The new neighbors that moved in next to Stan's house. Me and Ike saw the mom get a parking ticket, and she called the parking cop "muff cabbage". Ike: Muff cabbage. Sheila: A new family moved in? Where are they from? Kyle: She said they're from New Jersey. Sheila: [drops her fork] New Jersey? A family from New Jersey moved in next to the Marshes? Kyle: Yeah. Stan said they're having them over for dinner tonight. Sheila: [fearful, quickly leaves her chair and walks off a bit] Oh, God. Poor Sharon. Doesn't she know? Kyle: Know what, Ma? Ike: Muff cabbage! Sheila: Never invite a New Jersey housewife into your home. Scene Description: The Marsh house, dinner time. The table has been enlarged to accommodate their guests - a family with three kids. Grandpa Marsh is not at the table Teresa: [at the head of the table. Sharon is to her right] And so then I met the school principal. What's her name? Principal Victoria? What a stupid bitch! I mean, excuse my language, but that bitch needs her fuckin' head examined! Scene Description: Teresa's new home, next door, on New Jersey Housewives Teresa: Yeah, so my family and I moved from Jersey to South Park about a week ago. So far, I can tell that everyone here really likes me. Scene Description: The Marsh house, dinner time Teresa: Oh! And I met that Stotch woman. What's her name? Sharon: Oh, Linda, huh? Teresa: Have you noticed how yellow that bitch's teeth are? You can tell that woman is a piece of garbage. She's garbage! [the girls at the table just look on and continue eating] I went into the mall here and I just about dropped dead. The only panties you can buy makes you look like you got a grandma muff! Where's the Gucci? Where's the Prada? Have they heard of Italian clothes? It's ridiculous! Joe: [as Teresa rattles on] So, Randy, what gyms are good around here? Where do you work out? Randy: I don't really work out. Joe: Well, I gotta find somethin'. [flexes his left biceps] My biceps are goin' flat. Teresa: Where can you get good clothes in this town?! Nowhere! I mean, that's why you're stuck wearing garbage like that, right? And the woman that works the hair salon? Julia? Have you seen how big that bitch's ears are? Sharon: Oh, Julia's a friend of mine, yeah. Teresa: Ears out to here! [spreads her arms out as far as they could go] So I tell her, "You got big ears, sweetie." I'm not trying to be mean. It's just a Jersey thing. Why be offended? [to Sharon] I mean, you've got a big chin. We've all got imperfections. Sharon: Right, just like your eyes are kind of far apart. [Teresa's expression changes to a dark mood] Scene Description: Teresa's new home, next door, on New Jersey Housewives Teresa: That was totally uncalled for, for what she did. My eyes are too far apart? And like who is she? Is she God? No. Scene Description: The Marsh house, dinner time Teresa: You don't ever, ever! You whack job, prostitution... [slams her hands on the table] ...whore! You probably sell your muff... [slams her hands on the table] ...for six dollars! You fucking psycho bitch! Fuck you! [lifts the table, which causes it to dump the food on the floor. Sharon quickly hides behind Randy] You're nothin' but garbage! [Joe comes up and restrains her from behind] That's what you are! You're garbage! [Stan's eyes dart back and forth] You sick, old woman! Muff garbage! [Joe takes her into the kitchen] Muff cabbage! Fuck this psycho bitch! Sharon: Wow. Teresa: Let's get the fuck outta here! She's a fuckin' pig! She's fuckin' pissin' me off! [to Joe] Okay, I love you. Joe: Take it easy. Teresa: I love you. [they kiss] I love you. Scene Description: Teresa's new home Teresa: I thought I was gonna deck her. I was fine. I was really fine. I just wanted to get my point across to her, and then that's how I am. [she takes Joe's hand and walks him back into the dining room] Like I could be mad one minute and then I'll be fine. Scene Description: The Marsh house, dinner time Teresa: Okay, all better. Just had to get that out. It's just... it's a Jersey thing. So, who wants dessert? Meeee! Scene Description: At Sizzler, day. The boys are having lunch there Stan: You guys do not understand. Having neighbors from Jersey is the worst! All night long they keep me awake! They're either screaming at each other or making some disgusting sex sounds. It seems like all people from Jersey do is hump and punch each other! Cartman: You know what you do when you want a family to move away? Every night, you go and take a crap on their doorstep. Kyle: [glaring at him] Is that why there's crap on my doorstep every morning? Cartman: Oops, busted. [avoids eye contact] Stan: They talk way too loud, they flip out for no reason, and every time they act like selfish assholes, they just go, "Oh, it's a Jersey thing. It's a Jersey thing." Jersey Man: Hey, you talkin' 'bout Jersey? Me and my friends are from Jersey. Cartman: Aw, crap, there's more of them? Jersey Man: 'Ey, come on, there's people from Jersey all over! Who here is from Jersey? [a lot of people respond excitedly] Scene Description: Highlight. The Jersey man is Steve "Last Call" Steve "Last Call": So I'm like standin' there, and I'm like, "Who's from Jersey?", and people are all like, "Yo! Woo-hoo!" Next thing you know, Jersey party at Sizzler. [the restaurant is transformed into a club] Scene Description: Sizzler, later on. Everyone is dancing except the boys, music is pumping, lights flash all around Woman: [nude in a in a Jacuzzi] Yeah, let's get this party started. [a random fight breaks out] Kyle: Where the hell are they coming from?! [a bottle of Corona beer lands in front of the boys and shatters] Scene Description: South Park Salon, day. Sharon approaches it. Inside... Teresa: Danielle was being a stupid bitch. Woman 1: Shut up, Teresa. You're pathetic! Teresa: I'm pathetic? You're muff gabbage! [Sharon walks into the salon. Teresa gets up to greet her] Oh, Sharon! [they hug] Hi, sweetie. You gotta meet our new neighbors. This is Jacqueline. She's from Jersey. Jacqueline: And Sicilian. Teresa: That's Danielle. She's from Jersey. [Danielle is extremely tanned] And that's Caroline. Caroline: I'm having my face shaved. It's a Jersey thing. Salon Girl: I'm sorry, but I have other clients in ten minutes. Can you sit down? [Teresa didn't like that request] Scene Description: Highlight. Jacqueline: When the salon girl told Teresa to sit down, I thought Teresa was gonna bust a tit. Scene Description: the salon Teresa: Don't you fuckin' tell me what to do! I'm a client here! Caroline: Teresa! Calm down. Salon Girl: I don't have to take your shit! I'm from Jersey! Teresa: Get her, Sharon! Sharon: What? Jacqueline: Sharon, just stay out of it! Caroline: Be the bigger person, Sharon! Sharon: You people are crazy. Caroline: Who's crazy? Are you talkin' about my family?! [grabs Sharon by the hair as she screams] Is my family crazy?! Teresa: Don't you pull my friend's hair, you bitch! [pulls Sharon back by the hair] Sheila: [barges in ready to fight] Let go of her, you piece of trash! [the other ladies turn to look] Teresa: Who the fuck are you to tell ME what to do?! Sheila: [walks up to the women] All you trashy whores get the fuck out of here and leave her alone! Teresa: Psycho bitch! Sheila: [slaps her hand away] No! You're a psycho bitch, psycho bitch! Psycho biiitch! You wanna see fuckin' crazy?! You'd better just step the fuck away or you're gonna see fuckin' crazy! [the Jersey women begin to leave] Jacqueline: [turns to look at Sheila] You're cabbage! [then leaves] Sharon: Sheila? Scene Description: At the South Park Community Center, evening. Randy has the floor as the other townsfolk sit and listen Randy: People of South Park! We have all noticed a steep rise in everything Jersey lately. As many of you already know, everything east of the Rockies is now part of New Jersey! The Jersey Shore now includes Jacksonville, Miami, the Gulf of Jersey Mexico, and the Jersey Islands. [this includes Puerto Rica and Cuba] Mr. Garrison: Jesus! Why are they doing this? Randy: More people from Jersey are showing up in our town! If we don't do something, South Park is going to become West Jersey. Jimbo: Well, that does it! Let's go tell everyone from Jersey we don't want 'em here! All: Yeah! Sheila: That won't work. You can't just tell people from Jersey you don't like them. No matter how obnoxious they are, they will convince themselves that you all actually think they're cool. Jimbo: How do you know that, Ms. Broflovski? [Sheila is on the spot.] Scene Description: Highlight. Sheila: That's when I knew I had to tell everyone the truth: that originally I'm from Jersey. [the adults present are Stephen and Linda Stotch, Randy and Sharon Marsh, Stuart McCormick, his wife, and Liane Cartman] Yes, born and raised, I wasn't even called Sheila back then. In Jersey I was known as S-Woww Tittybang. [a picture of her is shown] I drank heavily and punched a lot of bitches in the face. [a picture of one such incident is shown] Living in South Park, I'm able to control the Jersey side of me, which doesn't really come out unless I get around other people from Jersey. [turns away from the other adults] I'm just really hoping that people here don't judge me for it, or or, somehow, you know, hold it against me. Sharon: Sheila, who are you talking to? Sheila: You wouldn't understand. It's a Jersey thing. [walks away] Scene Description: The park, basketball court, day. The boys - Stan, Kenny and Cartman - are playing basketball. Kenny has the ball and is trying to get past Cartman Cartman: You ain't gettin' by that way, Kenny! Kyle: [approaching] Hey, dudes. Cartman: [takes the ball from Kenny and confronts Kyle] Oh, well, well, well. Look what the cat threw up in the litter box. Come on, guys. We don't wanna be seen hanging around him. Kyle: What are you talking about? Cartman: Dude, we heard the news! Your mom is from Jersey! Kyle: So what? Cartman: So what?! That makes you from Jersey! Kyle: No, it doesn't! Cartman: [turns around] He's from Jersey, you guys. [inches away] Let's just get away from him. Kyle: I'm not from Jersey. I was born here. Cartman: Don't try and deny it! You're one of them, dude. And by my account, that's strike three! Kyle: What's strike three?! Scene Description: Cartman removes his hat from his head, revealing his large curly red hair. Cartman: You're a ginger, a Jew, and from Jersey! Three strikes, Kyle! You're out! Kyle: Shut the fuck up! [grabs his hat back and puts it on, then looks at the other boys] What? Stan: Did you know your mom was from Jersey? Kyle: Why does it matter?! Stan: No, uh, it just explains a lot. Cartman: [moves Kyle aside] Oh, my God! Kyle is even starting to look like he's from Jersey! His skin is turning orange! Kyle: No, it isn't! Cartman: Yes, it is. It's getting oranger. Stan: Stop it, Cartman. Just 'cause Kyle's mom is a Jersey asshole doesn't mean Kyle is. Kenny: (Yeah.) Cartman: Okay, you do what you want, guys. As for me, well, you're a heartless backstabbing Jersey boy, Kyle, and I shan't be playing basketball with the likes of you. [walks away, then turns and glares at him] And I'm gonna start crappin' on your doorstep a lot more! Scene Description: The Broflovski house, night. Kyle is brushing his teeth when he looks at himself in the mirror and then checks out his hands and his face. He takes his toothbrush out of his mouth and drops it into the sink, then checks out his hat Kyle: No. [removes his hat] Couldn't be. [opens the top drawer of the vanity and pulls out a pair of scissors. He begins to cut his hair, slowly, then faster and faster. He gets some styling gel and rubs it into his hair. He gets a razor out to shape his eyebrows, cuts more of his hair off, rips the sleeves off his shirt, gets a bracelet and puts it on his right forearm, gets more gel and rubs a design onto his shirt, then is shocked at what he sees in the mirror] Oh, my God. Sheila: [knocks on the bathroom door] Kyle? You in there? Kyle: Hold on. Ah, I'm, ah... n-not right now. [goes about putting stuff away and closing all the drawers] Sheila: Kyle, open the door. Kyle: Not now, Mom. Please. Sheila: Kyle, this instant! One, two. [Kyle goes to the door] Kyle: All right, all right. [opens the door and see his mom, who's really Jerseyfied herself. He's speechless] Sheila: I guess we need to talk. Scene Description: Kyle's bedroom, minutes later. She and Kyle are sitting on his bed Sheila: I know this has to be very upsetting for you, Kyle. Kyle: [enunciating] What am I, Mom? Sheila: When I got pregnant with you, Kyle, your father and I were living with my parents in Newark. We knew we had to get out. Neither of us wanted our child to be from Jersey, so we moved. As far away as we could. But now I realize you can take the fetus out of Jersey, but you can't take Jersey out of the fetus. Kyle: [getting scared] What are you saying?! Sheila: I'm saying that for the first two months I carried you in my stomach, I lived in Newark. Technically, you are from Jersey. Kyle: [looks at his new look] No! I don't wanna look like this! Sheila: It isn't so bad, Kyle. A lot of people think the Jersey look is nice. Ike: [walks by and looks] Aaaaiiiiihhhhh! [faints on his back] Kyle: I can hide it! [hops off the bed] Nobody ever has to know! [puts his hat back on and walks out the bedroom door] I can't ever let anybody know! Scene Description: a news program comes on Announcer: Live from St. Louis, New Jersey! It's the "Jersey News" with anchormen P-Train and Tan Jovi! P-Train: What's up, New Jersey? It's the evenin' news. Our top story tonight: many Jersey people are freakin' pissed after a small town in Colorado got all aggro on some decent Jersey folk! For more on this story we go to Chicago. Reporter: People here in Chicago, New Jersey are riled up, P-Train. Apparently, a town called South Park, which is at the border of Denver, New Jersey, is discriminating against people from Jersey! They won't sell houses to people from Jersey, and they're making all the ones who moved in move out. [the Giudice family is forcibly hauled out of their new home and stuffed into their car] And they're takin' down all the Jersey-owned shops! [South Park Salon is bombed and everyone in there runs out] It's like these people got a beef with Jersey. What's up with that?! Tan Jovi: What's up with that?! P-Train: What's up with that?! Tan Jovi: Well, we are coming after you, South Park! We fight discrimination! It's a Jersey thing! Scene Description: South Park, night, town square. The townsfolk have brought everything they could think of to form a barricade against the Jersey folk. Randy is on the line Randy: Please, Governor. You have to send your troops to join us in this fight. We're just a small town. We can't stop New Jersey on our own. Schwarzenegger: Ve are very sore-y, but Cal-i-for-ni-a cannot afford helping you at this time. Randy: Can't you see that if we fall to New Jersey, California is next? Schwarzenegger: No, because U-tah is between Colo-rah-do and Cal-i-for-ni-a. Randy: Oh. Fine! But when Utah gets taken over by New Jersey, who's next?! Schwarzenegger: Nevada. Randy: Oh, really? Well, okay, Mr. I'm-Awesome-at-Geography! Scene Description: South Park, night, town square. In the shadows, Kyle gives Kenny a rifle as Cartman walks up. Stan gives another rifle to Kyle Cartman: What the hell are you guys doing?! Stan: Tryin' to help. My dad says to distribute all these guns. Cartman: [points to Kyle] And we're just gonna let him stand around here?! He's one of them. He could easily be a spy! Kyle: I told you Cartman, I'm not one of them! I don't wanna live in West Jersey any more than you do! Cartman: Overcompensating a little, aren't we, Kyle?! Kyle: That's enough! Cartman: Your blood is tainted with the three J's! Jewish, Jersey and Ginger! Admit it! Kyle: Aaaarrghhhhhh! [runs at Cartman and pins him hard against a tree] I'm not one of them! Do you understand me?! You'd better get that through your fat head! I will never be one of them, and if you say it again, I swear to God, I'll smash your fucking teeth in! [lets go and walks away angrily. Cartman backs up a bit without saying a word, then breaks down wailing] Cartman: [Whining] That hurt my throat because he pushed it right here, and then the back of my head hit the treeee! There was... there was... there was bark, and it scratched it! [Stan and Kenny walk away silently] Did you see the scratch, Keeenney?! Scene Description: South Park, night, town square. Randy is on the line looking for other support Randy: Please, Emperor Akishino! We need Japan's help to fight these people! [waits for an answer] Fine! But you Japs will all be eatin' hoagies in a month! [throws his cell phone away and claps his hands free of it] That's it, nobody's gonna help us! We're on our own! Stuart: We can't take on all of Jersey. We have to find support. Randy: There is no support! Every ally America ever had is... [thinks of something] Wait a minute. [strokes his chin] Sometimes when a threat is great enough, you have to turn to your enemies for help. Mr. Garrison: What are you talking about? Randy: We could ask Al Qaeda. Stephen: [steps forward] Ask Al Qaeda for help? After what they did to us?! Randy: Maybe it's time we put our differences aside and forgive them. Stephen: And what about the families of the victims of 9/11? Their feelings matter for another ten months, damn it! Bar Patron 1: Hey! Hey, we got a problem! You've gotta get some people down to the bar quick! There's trouble! Randy: People from Jersey? Bar Patron 1: I don't know what the hell I saw. Scene Description: Skeeter's Bar and Cocktails, night. Officer Barbrady's cruiser is parked out front. Officer Barbrady and other men from the town search the bar in the darkness with flashlights Skeeter: It tore a hole in my meat locker. Smashed the cigarette machine in half. Barbrady: Alright, come out now. Make it easy on yourself. [a soft, high growl is heard and a figure runs by in the shadows, bumping into a few tables. The figure runs by again, grunting. The flashlights follow the sound and find a woman who looks like a troll cowering in a corner. Her arms are really short, her ears are elfin, her skin is orange and her black hair is styled in a beehive hairdo] Bar Patron 2: It's one of them! That thing's from Jersey, too! [the thing moves closer to the ATM and smokes] Randy: What is it? Bar Patron 2: It's called a Snooki. It's very famous. [Snooki sips from her drink and eats straight out of a pickle jar] Randy: That thing is famous? Why? Bar Patron 2: I don't know! Jimbo: Well, what are we waitin' for? Let's kill it! [aims his shotgun and fires at her. She drops the pickle jar and it shatters.] Snooki: [walking away from the ATM] Snooo-ki. Randy: Don't let it get away! Where is it?! [hears a sound] Who was that?! [his beam lands on Snooki, who has taken Stephen Stotch down and is raping him] Stephen: Aaagh! Get it off of me! Snooki: [raping him] Snooki smoosh. Stephen: Shoot it! [another gunshot is heard and Snooki heads for a window and jumps out through it, running away] Scene Description: South Park Square, night. Cartman has left his usual friends and is talking to a group of other boys from his class: Bradley, Jason, Butters, Fosse, DogPoo, and Bill Cartman: So then he grabs my throat, right? And he slams my head into a tree! And then he screams, "I'll smash your teeth in!" My head is all like gashed open. Butters: Kyle did that? Gee whiz. Cartman: I'm telling you guys, he's getting worse. The Jersey in Kyle is coming out. I don't see any other choice. We have to kidnap Kyle and lock him in the meat freezer at Sizzler. [Kyle is cleaning his rifle nearby and lifts his head to see what the other boys are doing] Hey, Kyle. 'Sup? Kind of nice out tonight, huh? [Kyle returns to cleaning his rifle. Cartman then moves to the opposite side of the circle] He has to be put away, and he has to be put away now! Butters: Are you being serious? Cartman: This is very serious, Butters. Butters: Yeah, but lockin' Kyle in a meat freezer? I mean, he could die. Cartman: Well if he does, too bad! Did you see the scratch on my head?! [Kyle looks up again. Cartman notices and turns to look back at him] Hey, Kyle. [stretches] Uhh... Dude, do you smell raspberries? I smell raspberries. Ho? Huh. [turns around and goes into a low voice as Kyle watches from nearby] We need to do this now. At some point, he might start suspecting something's up. Scene Description: Al Qaeda headquarters in the caves of Afghanistan. Al Qaeda members go about their business Operative: [walks up to bin Laden with a package] Istagia makuman? [bin Laden turns around and takes the package, which is a video tape. He puts it into a tape player and watches the video. Randy pops up onscreen] Randy: Hello, Mr. bin Laden. My name is Randy, and I'm a geologist in America. I know that America isn't your favorite place in the world, but gosh darn it, we need your help. As you may know, we are trying to stop our entire country from becoming New Jersey. I believe that if we do not succeed, Jersey will spread to Japan, Russia, and eventually, to you. I know you have seen countless horrors in your lifetime, Mr. bin Laden, and that you have witnesses the very worst of mankind. Well, now I ask you to watch this. [Jersey Shore's live-action show open begins to play] Snooki: Neaaaaaah! Snooki wants smoosh smoosh. Scene Description: Sizzler, night time. Cartman climbs into the restaurant through a window Cartman: Come on, you guys, hurry! Stan: [climbs in behind him] Cartman, what the hell are we doing at Sizzler? Cartman: I told you guys, you're not gonna believe it. It's a miracle! Kenny: [climbs in behind Stan] (What kind of fuckin' miracle?!) [Kyle climbs in last] Cartman: [leads them to a spot] Jesus answered our prayers, you guys. It's so cool. [stops] It's right there in the meat locker. Kyle, go check it out. Kyle: [looks at Cartman for a few seconds] Why? Cartman: Dude, go see why. It's a Jesus miracle! Kyle: You just wanna lock me in there because you think I'm one of them. Cartman: Nuh-uh. Seriously, nuh-uh. Kyle: I'm not going in any meat locker so you can trap me! Cartman: Trap you? No, no, Kyle, it's actually... lights! [the lights go on and the fourth graders Cartman was talking to earlier pop into view] Ha-ha! It's a trap, Kyle! Get him to the meat locker! [the group of six come up and take Kyle away] Stan: Dude, what are you doing? Cartman: [stops Stan and Kenny in their tracks] Back away, guys, this is for the safety of all of us. [rushes up to the freezer door] Sorry Kyle, but you can't be trusted. Kyle: All right, fine, Cartman! You really want me to go in there, I'll... [his expression changes quickly] Dude, Cartman, what is that behind you? Cartman: Kyle, do we really have to resort to that?! Kyle: No, I- I'm serious. What is that behind you? Cartman: You ginger Jersey Jew! [Snooki rises up behind him] Your tactics don't work on me! Snooki: Snooki wants smoosh smoosh. [breathes heavily] Cartman: [looks over his shoulder, then looks back at the other boys] Dude, what the fuck is that thing behind me? Scene Description: South Park Square, night. Stephen runs up to Garrison behind the barricade Stephen: Garrison, I think the Jersey people are advancing. Where's Randy? Mr. Garrison: He's still questioning that new prisoner. Scene Description: nearby, Randy has a Jersey man strapped onto a chair Randy: Alright, Mr. Situation, we'll try this again! Why are you people doing this?! The Situation: Well, I told you, it's, uh, just a Jersey thing. [Randy punches him hard on the left cheek] Randy: What does that mean?! The Situation: You just don't understand. It's, uh, it's just... just a Jersey thing. [Randy punches him again, kicks him with the left foot, punches him with the left hand, kicks him on the side of his head with the right foot] Randy: Stop playing stupid! Jimbo: Maybe he really is stupid, Randy. Randy: [shoots back at Jimbo] Nobody's this stupid! [turns to The Situation again] What are you people planning?! The Situation: It's just a Jersey thing, you know? You...you just gotta be from Jersey to get it. [Randy punches him again with the left hand, kicks him with the left foot, delivers a roundhouse kick with the right foot, flips over him and kicks him on the back of the head] Gerald: [keeping a lookout atop the barricade] Here they come! [the adults get into position] Sharon: Is it them, Randy? Randy: Yup. They're from Jersey alright. Jersey People: Yeah! Woo-hoo! Let's go! Yeah! Jersey Man 2: Let's go creepin' in this town! Jersey Woman: [to another woman] Don't you talk about my family! Don't you talk about my family! Randy: This is where we make our stand! South Park will never be West Jersey! [some people cheer] Randy: [waves a New Jersey flag but with the "New" crossed out and replaced with a big red "No"] Fuck New Jersey! [some people cheer and begin firing. The advancing Jersey folk begin to fall one by one] Keep shooting! We're sick of you, Jersey! Scene Description: Sizzler, night. Screams of children are now heard, and they are trying to hide from Snooki, who is now raping DogPoo DogPoo: [Screaming] Ugh! Ugh! Get it off of me! Get it off of me! Snooki: Snooki wants smoosh smoosh! Stan: [tries to get out, but finds the doors locked] Try to find a way past it! Cartman: What does it want?! Butters: Sounds like it wants smoosh smoosh! Snooki: [leaves DogPoo, reaches Cartman, and starts raping him from behind] Smoosh smoosh! Snooki wants smoosh smoosh! Cartman: No! You guys, it's raping me! It's raping me! Stan: Jesus Christ, what the hell do we do? Kyle: Oh, God. [grabs his head and stumbles away, then falls on all fours] Wuh. Aah. [waves his hand at Stan and Kenny] Get out of here! Stan: [flatly] Why? [Kyle continues writhing and groaning, before throwing his hat away] Kyle: Agggh! Agggh! [pulls out a tube of gel and puts some on his left hand] No! [quickly greases up his hair, takes off his jacket, rolls up his sleeves, puts on a necklace, combs his hair, puts two rings on his left hand, and writes "KYLeY-B" on his T-shirt] Stan: ..Dude. Kyle: [approaches Snooki; in Jersey accent] Get out of here, you piece of garbage! You wanna smoosh, go creepin' somewheres else! Snooki: Snooki get the smoosh in the... the tenth... Kyle: You're garbage! You know that?! You're cabbage! [Snooki babbles and says her name] You've got cabbage in your muff! [Snooki continues babbling] You've got cabbage in your fuckin' muff! [Snooki continues babbling and Kyle finally fells her with a left hook. Snooki whimpers and escapes through a window. Cartman sobs a bit and puts his pants up] Cartman: [Sniffling] Thank you, Kyle. Scene Description: Back at the barricade, Jimbo searches for more ammunition Jimbo: That's the last of it! We're out of ammo! Randy: Then we've got to start falling back to Utah! Stuart: What's the point? Can't you see it's over? [the sound of roaring jets is heard and grows louder] Jimbo: Who is that?! [thirteen planes appear over the horizon] Randy: It's Al Qaeda! [cheers go up from the crowd. An Al Qaeda pilot salutes from his cockpit. Soon they're diving their planes into the Jersey crowd and killing the Jersey folk] Give 'em hell, Al Qaeda! [More cheers go up from the crowd] Scene Description: Park County Community Center, day Randy: On a cold October night, a small town in Colorado stood up to New Jersey and finally said, "Go away!" Our fortitude was the inspiration for others and now, New Jersey is slowly receding back to the desolate land from whence it came. Our country's getting back to normal, and we owe it all to Osama bin Laden. [bin Laden is shown seated on a chair. Cheers go up and Randy places a garland on him, and kisses him on the cheek] Stan: Well, Kyle, looks like you're totally back to normal. Kyle: Yeah. The more distance between me and the others from Jersey, the better I feel. Cartman: Yeah, but you still have it in you. You saved my life, Kyle. Deep down inside, you're a monster. [Pinches Kyle's cheek] But you're my little monster. Stan: I just have one question, Kyle. At Sizzler when you were yelling "Muff cabbage," what's muff cabbage? Kyle: It's a, uh, it's a Jersey thing. Randy: On this day let us all remember that no people on this earth are really enemies, only folks with differences. [a paratrooper descends from the rafters and quickly kills bin Laden with one shot] Paratrooper: [to his pilot] Tango is down, tango is down. Randy: We got him!

Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The students are all in the cafeteria eating lunch. In the middle of the cafeteria is a table with the four boys there. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny sit opposite Clyde, Craig, Kevin, and Token. Cartman: So then, the guy hits the ping-pong ball with his dick, and it goes right in the other guy's mouth. [laughs heartily. Butters approaches the table with a sheet of paper] Butters: Hey, Stan, I have a note for you. Stan: A note? Butters: Yeah, uh, Wendy said to give you this. [hands him the note] I'm like a mailman. [walks away. Stan reads and Kyle notices] Kyle: What's it say? Stan: [omitting the names] We need to talk. Cartman: [voice rising in pitch] Ohhhhhhhh. When a chick says "We need to talk.", you might as well just start punching yourself in the balls, dude. Scene Description: Two tables over, nine girls are eating lunch. Kal, Red, Wendy, Bebe, and Heidi sit opposite Esther, Anne, Lola, and Millie Red: Are you sure he has a problem, Wendy? Wendy: Yes. I've read all about it. It's a real disease. It's called "hoarding." People who can't throw anything away, and they just keep living in deeper and deeper filth until the people around them just can't take it anymore. Stan: [approaching] Is something wrong, Wendy? [Wendy sees him, then looks at the girls, gets up and walks up to Stan] Wendy: [sighs] Stan? We need to talk about your locker. Stan: My locker? Wendy: [turns away] Every time I see the condition it's in I j-I just wanna cry. It just keeps getting messier and messier. I think you have a problem. Stan: Are you serious? Wendy: [turns back] It's so full of junk it takes you forever to find anything. And lately you've been asking to keep things in my locker. Stan: Well, it's just a little messy. Wendy: No, Stan, it's called "hoarding"! And if you don't get help, I don't know how much longer I could be with you! Stan: Aw, come on. Wendy: Then can we throw some stuff in your locker away? Stan: Yeah, alright. Wendy: [wipes a tear from her eye] Okay. [puts a hand on his shoulder] I've hired some experts to help you with this. We'll make this as easy as possible on you, Stan. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway. Two men stand by Stan and his locker as the fourth graders look on. One of them holds a large trash bag and is wearing a face mask An Expert: Hello everyone, my name is Dr. Chinstrap. I'm a hoarding specialist, and today we're gonna help Stan clean out his locker. Alright, let's go ahead and see inside your locker, Stan. [Stan goes to his locker, opens it, and a few items fall out. The class gasps in horror: Stan's locker is truly packed. Wendy cries and hides her face with her notebook] Stan: What, come on, it's not that bad. Dr. Chinstrap: Now, as part of Stan's therapy, we need to make sure we don't throw away anything he doesn't want us to. Stan needs to feel like he is in control or his psychosis will come out. Stan: My psychosis? Look, it isn't that big a deal, I'll just throw this stuff away. Dr. Chinstrap: [walks up to Stan and gets down on one knee] Okay, great. How about we start with this? [takes a small box out of the locker] Stan: Well, no, that's my pencil box. I need my pencil box. Dr. Chinstrap: [defers right away, putting a hand up] Okay, okay, we'll put that right here on the floor. Now how about this? [takes out a bent toothbrush] Broken toothbrush. Stan: Well... it's good to have that, because sometimes I really wanna brush after lunch, and I- Dr. Chinstrap: But it's broken. Stan: Yeah, but it works perfectly fine and I- Dr. Chinstrap: [defers right away] Okay, okay. Broken toothbrush is going right here, by the pencil box. [sets it down] Now how about this? [pulls out a clear sandwich bag with rotten food in it] Old sandwich in a baggie filled with maggots. Class: Eeeeewwww! [two more men stand behind the class holding trash bags and wearing face masks] Stan: Well, that, I mean, yeah, I mean... I kinda need that. Let's, let's just keep that. Dr. Chinstrap: It's full of maggots, Stan. Can we throw it away? Stan: Well, I might need it if I every have to, you know, like- Dr. Chinstrap: The maggots are crawling down my hand and biting my wrist, Stan. Can we throw this away? Stan: Well, I- I guess so, but- [Dr. Chinstrap dumps the baggie into the large trash bag his assistant is holding. The assistant is wearing a facemask] Whoa-whoa-wait, this is all happening a little fast. Can we just slow down? [Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny look at each other worriedly] Dr. Chinstrap: Now how about this empty aspirin bottle? Stan: Well no, don't throw that out. Dr. Chinstrap: Can we throw out these wadded up papers, then? [sweeps out a bunch of loose papers. Stan gets alarmed] Stan: [begins gathering up the papers] No, because there could be something written on one of them that's important and uh-! No, don't take my empty bottle-! [takes the bottle from Dr. Chinstrap. The assistant pulls out the baggie] G-give me back my sandwich! [Stan grabs the baggie, then reaches for another loose sheet, when he realizes what he's done. Cartman makes a circle around his right ear with his index finger and whistles a cuckoo tune] Kyle: [walks up to Stan and puts a hand on his left shoulder] Dude. What's wrong with you? Stan: I don't... I don't know. Kyle: Maybe you should go talk to the counselor. Scene Description: Mr. Mackey's office, later. Stan is in his office Mr. Mackey: Stan, as your counselor, I'm here to help you with whatever problems you might have, m'kay? Now, what is the matter? [before Stan answers, he looks around the office. Mr. Mackey has a lot of junk in there] Stan: Well, my friends are worried that I'm showing signs of... "hoarding." Mr. Mackey: Hoarding? M'kay, what's that? Stan: Well, apparently, it's when you... don't throw anything away and soon you find yourself, living with a, bunch of... junk? Mr. Mackey: Hmmm, I haven't heard of that, but it- it definitely sounds bad, m'kay? Stan: [looks around again] Mr. Mackey, is there, maybe anything you wanna talk about? Mr. Mackey: Me? ...Like, like what? Stan: [looks around and picks up an empty milk carton from a box] Well like, you've got an old milk carton here from a month ago that's like- Mr. Mackey: DON'T YOU TOUCH THAT! THAT'S NOT SOMETHING TO THROW AWAY! IF YOU THROW THAT AWAY I WILL RAPE YOU IN THE MOUTH! M'KAY?! I WILL RAPE YOU IN YOUR FUCKIN' MOUTH! M'KAY?! Scene Description: South Park Elementary faculty room. Randy and Sharon are there with Mr. Garrison, Principal Victoria, Dr. Chinstrap, and another expert Dr. Chinstrap: There's no doubt about it. The school counselor here is a Class-5 hoarder. As for your son, Mr. and Mrs. Marsh, he's easily a Class-3. Principal Victoria: But why is Mr. Mackey doing this now? Sharon: Yes, our son has always been fairly clean. Dr. Chinstrap: We don't know a lot about what causes hoarding, but we do know it often relates to some kind of psychological trauma. If it's okay with you, we'd like to run some tests on the both of them. Sharon: Is that really necessary for Stan? It's just his locker. Dr. Chinstrap: I don't know if you realize how serious locker hoarding is. [turns away] It can lead to room hoarding, then house hoarding. In some cases, people even hoard animals, like cats. Randy: Oh yeah. Like that weird guy over on on Burgess Road. That guy, Mr. Yelman. He's been hoarding animals for years now. Dr. Chinstrap: Oh no, really? Scene Description: A pasture, day. Dr. Chinstrap and his partner are present with Sgt. Yates and an officer Sgt. Yates: Mr. Yelman, we received some disturbing reports that you might be hoarding sheep. Mr. Yelman: [a shepherd, or sheep herder, or sheep hoarder] ...Well I, that is I, I- Dr. Chinstrap: It's okay, Mr. Yelman, I'm a hoarding specialist. What you have is an illness. [Mr. Yelman doesn't know what they're talking about] Scene Description: A lab, later. Stan, Mr. Mackey, and Mr. Yelman are all on couches with electrodes attached to their temples. Dr. Chinstrap is running tests as his partner and Stan's parents watch from an observation room Partner: Don't worry, Mr. and Mrs. Marsh. Dr. Chinstrap is a professional at memory regression. This should prove very helpful. Dr. Chinstrap: Alright everyone, we are all here to face the disease of hoarding together. Nothing to be ashamed of, everyone here has the same problem. Whether it's office hoarding, or in the locker, or even the hoarding of animals. Mr. Yelman: Excuse me, but uh, I am a sheep herder. Dr. Chinstrap: It's pronounced "hoarder," and yes you are. Mr. Yelman: But but I, uh I'm actually herding sheep. Dr. Chinstrap: Yes, you are hurting sheep by hoarding them, aren't you? It's good you realize that. Mr. Yelman: No, but I just thought that- Dr. Chinstrap: Now listen: there's a psychological reason you're all doing this, and we're gonna get to the bottom of it. We're gonna do some regression therapy. I'll be taking you deep into your memories, into your past. Mr. Mackey: M'kay, that that sounds like it could be bad, uh-kay? Dr. Chinstrap: Trust me, I know what I'm doing. I want the three of you to relax, and think about... a cloud. A lone cloud... floating... changing... light... cool air... blowing on the cloud. float- [jumps out of his chair suddenly, startling the subjects] WAAH! HAAA! HAAA! Mr. Mackey: What?! What?! Jesus, what?! Mr. Yelman: Oh my God! Dr. Chinstrap: Sorry, I just got a weird gas bubble for a second. [clears his throat] Anyway, A lone cloud... floating... wisps of cool air... now the cloud is near you, you... you reach out to it. Mr. Mackey: [stretches his arm out] Mmm-kay... Dr. Chinstrap: It's the cloud of your memories, of your past, [focus on Mr. Mackey] ...your childhood perhaps, ...what do you see in the cloud? Who is in the cloud? Mr. Mackey: Billy, ...Billy Thompson? Scene Description: Mackey's memory takes him back to the 1970s, when he was in grammar school. Three kids angrily walk towards him in the hall. Billy: There he is! Hey, Mackey! [Mr. Mackey, talking to two other boys, suddenly drops his books and turns around] Mackey: Oh uh, hi Billy. Nice to see ya, m'kay? Billy: Come 'ere! [points to the spot where he wants Mackey. Mackey's friends panic and split] Mackey: Uh well, actually I need to get home, m'kay? I uh... Billy: You snitched and told the principal I was smoking. Mackey: Oh well uh, uh... smoking's bad, uhkay? [Billy throws him up against a locker] Huhhhhh! Billy: You're gonna die Mackey! [to his friends] Hold his legs! [his friends move in, but Mackey gets loose and runs away, screaming. Mackey rounds a corner, finds a room, and goes in before Billy could catch him. Billy and his friends round the corner and run past the room Mackey entered] Come back here! Mackey: [in the darkness, starts to calm down] Okay. Okay, okay okay, it's okay. It's okay. Calm down, okay. Turn on the light. [turns on the light, revealing Stan] Stan: What? Whoa wait, what am I doing here? Mackey: Shh. Be quiet. Mr. Yelman: 'Scuse me, where are we? Mackey: Shh. You've gotta be quiet. Billy Thompson's out there. Stan: What the hell's going on?! Scene Description: In the observation room Dr. Chinstrap and his partner analyze some printouts Dr. Chinstrap: What the hell is going on?! Partner: The counselor's flat top readers are calculating with the boy's and the sheep hoarder's. Dr. Chinstrap: Oh Jesus. Randy: What does that mean? Dr. Chinstrap: It means Mr. Mackey's childhood regression dream is... so vivid it actually sucked the other two patients into it. Randy: What?! Partner: I'm afraid your son has gone into his counselor's dream. Randy: Aw come on, that's stupid. How's that, how's that even possible? Dr. Chinstrap: It's not stupid at all! Pinkerton, you explain the logic and I'll provide the background. Pinkerton: Alright. [walks up to Randy and Sharon] Look, it is possible to enter into someone else's dreams. [Dr. Chinstrap begins a musical accompaniment] Send dream trackers to go into a person's subconscious, like a spy seeing their dreams as they see them. Perhaps even planting ideas. If one person is regressing deeply enough, the dream can actually envelop those dreaming around the first person I talked about who's dreaming! And then, everyone in the dream would be in danger of never coming back. [Dr. Chinstrap ends his accompaniment at the same time] Scene Description: Mackey's dream. Mackey runs into his bedroom, which is strewn with toys popular in the '70s. Mackey: Yay, my bedroom! Yep, this is my happy place, m'kay? Stan: Mr. Mackey. Mackey: [sees his Lite Brite, runs to work on it, and sings] Lite Brite, making things with light. What a sight, making things with Lite Brite, m'kay. Stan: Mr. Mackey, what are you doing? Mackey: Well this is a Lite Brite, m'kay. I can make things with light, like um, birds, m'kay, clowns, m'kay. Stan: Come on, dude, you've gotta wake up! Mackey: Oh yeah, my Evel Knievel doll! [goes to his dresser and grabs it] I can take the motorcycle, hm'kay, I put it on this thing, like this. [puts the motorcycle on the little ramp] Okay now crank it back, and now I let go. [releases the motorcycle, which zooms across the room and does a wheelie. Mackey giggles with excitement] Okay. Okay. Stan: Mr. Mackey, I realize this might be fun for you, but it totally isn't for me. Mackey: Hey, look what's on! It's ZOOM! Mr. Yelman: Excuse me, I really need to get back to my sheep. Stan: I'm working on it! Mackey: [Singing along with the TV] Write Zoom Z Double O M Box 350 Bos-ton Mass. Oooh two ooone three fouuur, m'kay! Stan: [walks up to Mackey and turns him around] Dude, please wake up! You're a grown man in a psychiatrist's office! [something hits Mackey's window and he goes to see what it was. He sees Billy on the sidewalk with his friends] Billy: You can hide in your house for now, Mackey, but tomorrow is the field trip! Frisco Woods! And I'm gonna do things to you you'll never forget! Mackey: No, uh Billy, please, uh-kay? I'm really sorry about the smoking thing, uh. Billy: See you in the woods tomorrow, dead man! [walks away with his friends] Mackey: [turns away from the window] Oh Jesus... Stan: Is that why we're here? Did something really bad happen on the field trip? Mackey: Yeah, it's probably gonna be bad, m'kay. [looks away] Scene Description: The lab. The patients continue dreaming and moaning Stan: Oh-Ohhhhhhh. Mr. Mackey: Ohhhhhhh, m'kay. Scene Description: The observation room Randy: What kind of hoarding specialist are you?! You trapped our son in his counselor's subconscious, and now you're saying he could die in there?! Dr. Chinstrap: Believe me, this is the last thing I wanted to have happen. Randy: That does it! [goes into the lab] Dr. Chinstrap: What are you doing?! Randy: I'm goin' in! [pulls up a couch next to Stan's] If they're locked into his regression, then maybe I can be too! Dr. Chinstrap: Are you crazy?! Mackey is in a very unstable state! Randy: Damn your incongruities! [hooks himself up] I'm goin' in after my son! Dr. Chinstrap: It's a dream world where Mackey can imagine himself to be anything. It's dangerous! Randy: I said get me in there! Dr. Chinstrap: Alright, you wanna risk your ass?! Fine! [snaps into a soothing rush job] You see a cloud, it's a fluffy cloud, floating, happy, happy fluffy cloud. You reach out to it. Randy: Ahhh. Scene Description: Next day, the field trip Bus Driver: Alright kids, everyone on the bus. Stan: Wait wait, where the hell are we now? Mackey: It's the day of the big field trip. Billy: [from the bus window] Come on, Mackey. We're waitin' for ya. Mackey: Oh Jesus. Stan: Mr. Mackey, you have to wake up! I don't belong here! I need to have my own regression therapy! Bus Driver: Everyone on the bus now! We're runnin' late! Mr. Yelman: Excuse me, I'm actually a sheep herder. Driver: It's pronounced "hoarder," young man, and if you are you should talk to the school counselor about it! [shoves him into the bus] Mr. Yelman: Yes, but I, I'm so- wah- um. Stan: Please, I don't wanna go on your field trip, Mackey. Randy: Stan? [Stan looks around] Stan! Stan: Dad? Is that you? Randy: Yes, it's me, Stan. Stan: Where are you? Randy: It's me! Up here! [Stan looks up and sees him] I'm a butterfly! Stan: The hell are you doing, dad? Randy: I'm flying free with my beautiful butterfly wings! Stan: Did you come here to help me? Randy: I was gonna, but ooh! This is fun! Stan: Dad, you gotta stop Mackey and bring us back to reality! Randy: Butterflies have no concern for such things, Stan. I'm gonna go find me some butterly poon. Stan: DAD! Scene Description: in the lab, Randy is smiling Randy: [moaning happily] Aah ahhh aha ahhh. Stan: [moaning in frustration] Aaaaaagh! Scene Description: The observation room. Pinkerton checks the printouts Pinkerton: Uh oh, something's wrong. Dr. Chinstrap: What is it?! Pinkerton: The father. He's gone completely off chart. Sharon: Off chart? What does that mean? Pinkerton: We don't even know. Dr. Chinstrap: I told him not to go into the dream after his son. He should have waited for the experts to get here. Sharon: Who are the experts? [five men shooting guns enter the observation room, and one of them goes down with a gunshot wound] Leonardo DiCaprio: Get that door closed! Keep me covered! [the expert in striped shirt shuts the door] Dr. Chinstrap: Ah good, you're here. DiCaprio: What's the sitch?! Dr. Chinstrap: Four people, in there, all stuck in the middle one's dream. Expert 1: We need to move them all to the next dream level before the projections kill them! Sharon: What next dream level? DiCaprio: Alright look. Right now they're all trapped in a dream. [Dr. Chinstrap resumes the accompaniment] We need to go in and put them under so they can go into a dream within a dream. Sharon: Why? Expert 1: [Black Suit (Arthur)] Because in the dream within a dream we can protect them from getting to limbo. Sharon: What's that? Expert 2: [in striped shirt (Eames)] Empty scary dreamspace. Sharon: So like a nightmare? Expert 3: [African-American (Yusef)] No, like a nightmare within a nightmare! Sharon: Why can't you wake up from that? Expert 1: You can, but someone inside the dream has to kick you awake from the nightmare! Sharon: That doesn't sound very difficult. Expert 1: It is! Sharon: Why? Expert 4: Arrgh. Expert 1: We don't have time for this! Sharon: Uh okay, fine. So you're gonna take my son to a dream within a dream, and then what? Expert 1: Then we go into your husband's dreams! Sharon: Okaaay... DiCaprio: But your husband will think we're in Hasselbeck's dream. Sharon: Okay, wait. Who's Hasselbeck? Hasselbeck: I am. Sharon: Okay. Wait, no. Why do we need a football player? DiCaprio: Sometimes, thoughts of my dead wife manifest themselves as trains! Sharon: Are you all saying that you can go into a dream and take people in that dream into their own dream? DiCaprio: Not all the time, just this once. And maybe one other time. Expert 1: It's so complex and cool. Sharon: Just because an idea is overly convoluted and complex doesn't make it cool! Going to multiple dream levels sounds like a really stupid idea! DiCaprio: You just don't get it 'cause you're not smart enough. Let's move! [the five experts and Hasselbeck enter the lab and hook themselves up] Sharon: Will they be able to wake Mackey up? Dr. Chinstrap: If they don't, it'll be the end of Europe as we know it. Sharon: Why? Dr. Chinstrap: Because. Scene Description: Frisco Woods, day. The class has arrived at its destination Ranger Pete: Hello kids, my name is Ranger Pete. Class: Hi Ranger Pete. Mackey: Hi Ranger Pete, m'kay. Ranger Pete: Today we're gonna be learning all about these amazing evergreens and this fragile ecosystem. Mackey: Oh that should be fun, m'kay. [looks at Billy, who looks back and punches his right palm with his left fist. His voice trembles] Ahhhh... Ranger Pete: But first we have a very special guest. It's Woodsy Owl. [Woodsy !Owl skips into view] Mackey: Oh boy! Woodsy Owl! Stan: Who's that? Mackey: "Give a hoot, don't pollute," m'kay. Woodsy Owl: Hi, I'm Woodsy Owl, remindin' you all to please pick up your trash, and keep our forests clean. In the city or in the woods, Mackey: Help keep Americaaa lookin' good, m'kay. [claps] Oh, boy I love that song. Ranger Pete: Alright kids, time to split up and go into the forest. Let's divide you all up into groups of six. Billy: We wanna be in Mackey's group! Mackey: Oh no, that that's m'kay. We'll uh we'll get paired with someone else uh. Ranger Pete: That's fine. You six boys can team up and be our first group in. Mackey: Oh no, oh God here it comes, unkay? [Stan looks at the ranger, then hears gunfire, so he turns to see where it's from. The group of experts is seen chasing and shooting at Butterfly Randy] DiCaprio: Is this the dream, or the dream within the dream? Expert 2: I think it's the dream inside the Matrix inside the dream! DiCaprio: Oh well. Just keep shooting! Stan: What the fuck? Scene Description: The lab. All the patients moan and ahhh An Expert: Mommy? Mommy? Scene Description: The observation room. Pinkerton, Dr. Chinstrap, and Sharon are now accompanied by several firefighters, and they all observe the patients Fire Captain: [turns to Dr. Chinstrap] So you're saying that all those people in there are somehow trapped in one person's dream? Dr. Chinstrap: Yes, and so that's why I called the fire department. I don't know where else to turn. Fireman 1: But, wait, if those people got stuck in there, why wouldn't we? Pinkerton: It's very simple: You see, [Dr. Chinstrap provides accompaniment once again] when the dream experts go in, they attempt to take the subject to a dream within a dream. Fireman 1: Like a taco within a taco? Fire Captain: A double-decker taco supreme. Pinkerton: Exactly. But only dream spies have the ability to go deeper into dream levels, and firemen have the ability to bring ladders into other people's dreams. Fire Captain: Wait wait whoa whoa, how can you take a ladder into a dream? [Dr. Chinstrap continues his accompaniment, this time pulling a lamb by its tail and including its bleat] Pinkerton: Because the firemen dreams aren't like dreams at all. They're more like a dream within a matrix within a dream. Pizza Man: Somebody order a pizza? Pinkerton: No. Dr. Chinstrap: Probably one of them in the dream. Pizza Man: [determined] Alright, I'm goin' in. [goes into the lab. He goes to the first expert's couch, lays down next to him, and hooks himself up] Pinkerton: Look, if we can get the fire department into the counselor's dream, then we can jump everyone down at least another six dream levels. That way we'll be in the counselor's deepest level of subconscious. Dr. Chinstrap: And it will be like a taco, inside a taco, within a Taco Bell, that's inside a KFC, within a mall, that's INSIDE YOUR BRAIN! [provides his own accompaniment] Scene Description: Frisco Woods, a pleasant scene. A butterfly sits on a leaf doing nothing when Randy descends on it and starts humping it. Soon, Mackey runs by and both butterflies fly away separately. Stan and Mr. Yelman chase Mackey Mackey: Aaaaaah! Not again, m'kay! Aaaaaah! Stan: Mr. Mackey, stop running! Mackey: But, but they're gonna kick my butt, m'kay! [stops briefly, then runs again] They're gonna kick it bad! Stan: Look, dude! [catches up to Mackey and stops him] Whatever happened with those bullies, you just have to stop running and face it! It's just a dream dude! You can control what happens. Stand up to them this time. Mackey: I know what about? I don't remember what they did. I just remember the field trip being really bad, okay. Billy: There he is! You can't run forever! Mackey: Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god... [Mr. Yelman catches up] Stan: Mr. Mackey, go, and face it! Please. So that we can get out of here and find out why we're hoarding. Mr. Yelman: But I literally herd sheep. Stan: Shut up! Mackey: Okay. Okay, I can do this. I'm just gonna stand and, and face what happens, okay? Scene Description: The lab. The firemen have hooked themselves up and entered Mr. Mackey's dream. Pizza Man: Somebody... order pizza? Pizza? Pinkerton: Mr. Mackey must be dreaming about something extremely traumatic. Dr. Chinstrap: Alright, that does it. [goes to the coat hanger and grabs his coat] Get your coat. Pinkerton: Where are we going? Dr. Chinstrap: We need to get help from the most powerful dream infiltrator in the world. Pinkerton: You don't mean... Scene Description: Deep in the woods, day. A small cabin is seen in the distance as three helicopters fly towards it. A familiar bogeyman is shown splitting wood with an axe. Dr. Chinstrap: Hello, Freddy. [the bogeyman turns around and it's Freddy Krueger, now with a full beard and mustache] You're looking healthy. Freddy Krueger: Chinstrap! What happened? You run out of stoolies to do your work? Dr. Chinstrap: Alright, look, we're in a pickle again and we need your help. Got some people trapped inside a dream. Freddy Krueger: Told you a long time ago: I gave that up. [resumes splitting wood] Dr. Chinstrap: There's some good men stuck in there. Freddy Krueger: [stops and turns around, exasperated] I said I'm done with it! [the cabin door and a woman with two kids appears in the doorway] Woman: Everything all right, Fred? Freddy Krueger: It's fine, Peg. Get back in the house. [Peg tugs at her kids and they all go back inside] Dr. Chinstrap: Wife and kids. Freddy Krueger: No thanks to you. Dr. Chinstrap: We need ya Fred. Freddy Krueger: Like you needed me to kill those teenagers to stop the Russians?! Dr. Chinstrap: We had a country to protect! Freddy Krueger: Protect it yourselves this time. Dr. Chinstrap: Dammit I'm not working for the military anymore, Krueger! Freddy Krueger: Then you should have no problem covering it up. [resumes splitting wood] Dr. Chinstrap: [a few seconds later] Some of those trapped are firemen. Public servants, innocent in all of this. Freddy Krueger: [stops, sighs, and throws his axe away] Alright, fine. Scene Description: Frisco Woods, day. Mackey and Billy finally face off and Mackey is ready to fight Mackey: Alright Billy, I'm not gonna let you hurt me this time, hm'kay? This time I'm gonna stand up for myself! Billy: You? Gonna fight back? I don't think so! [Stan and Mr. Yelman look on] Stan: You can do it Mr. Mackey. Mackey: Go ahead and do your worst, Billy. I'm facing you head-on, m'kay? Billy: Alright Mackey. Take this. [rears his right arm back and is about to deliver a punch when a gunshot kills him. A second gunshot hits him for good measure. The five experts converge on Billy and his friends and shoot them thoroughly] DiCaprio: Get the perimeter secure! Make sure they're dead! Stan: What the hell? Expert 2: We got 'em! The bad memories are dead. Fire Captain: [through his bullhorn] Alright everyone, this is the fire department. Do not panic. Stan: Who are you people? DiCaprio: We came here to rescue you from the bad guys in Mackey's dream. Stan: Well uh, wouldn't it be better to have Mackey face them on his own? Expert 1: No. As long as the source of the drama is wiped out, the counselor can wake up. Expert 2: Right. [nothing happens] Stan: ...So then why aren't we waking up? Expert 2: Unless... the bullies aren't the source of the counselor's bad memory. Mackey: Hey that's right. The bullies didn't even beat me up that day. I, I ran away from them. Expert 2: [strokes the back of his neck with his left hand] Oh, whoops. Mackey: [begins to walk away] I remember. [walks to a small shack nearby] I ran and I ran and I hid in this building here. And somebody was in there. Somebody who talked to me real nice and then... and then touched me somewhere bad. [pushes the door open. Woodsy is molesting the actual boy Mackey] Real Mackey: No Woodsy! Hmkay? Don't touch muh pee pee. No Woodsy, please. I'll give a hoot, hm'kay? Mackey: Woodsy Owl! No! I'll never litter again! I'll keep all my trash! No please Woodsy no! [the woods begin to rumble and shake] Fire Captain: What's happening? Expert 2: Dream conundrum. This is bad. [Woodsy breaks through the front wall of the shack with glowing red eyes and roars] Fire Captain: What the hell's going on? DiCaprio: The bad memory is manifesting itself! It didn't wanna be exposed! [Woodsy runs towards the group. The experts begin shooting at it and advance, but Woodsy remains unharmed] Our dream bullets don't hurt it. [Woodsy reaches for Mr. Yelman and decapitates him with a swipe of his left wing] Mackey: No! No more, Woodsy. [hides his face] Stan: Mr. Mackey, you have to wake up now! Expert 1: He can't! Don't you get it?! We're all gonna go to limbo! [Woodsy roars again, and Freddy's blades rip through Woody's back and chest] Freddy Krueger: There's a real hoot for ya, Woodsy! [pulls his blades out and Woodsy falls down dead] Mackey: It's dead... It's finally dead. [grins] Scene Description: The observation room. Dr. Chinstrap reads the printouts this time Dr. Chinstrap: Something's happening. I'm getting Bogart levels on all counter ups. Pinkerton: They're waking up. They're coming to. [enters the lab, and Dr. Chinstrap follows] Scene Description: The lab. Everyone is finally out of Mackey's dream Dr. Chinstrap: Ahhh, you're back, everyone! [grins] Randy: Aw, dammit. [Sharon is just happy Stan is back as they grin at each other] Fire Captain: Thanks, Freddy. Freddy Krueger: If only I could have saved the sheep herder. Dr. Chinstrap: Well, did you find the painful source of your hoarding problems, Mr. Mackey? Mr. Mackey: I sure did. DiCaprio: Turns out he was molested by Woodsy Owl. Mr. Mackey: I completely blocked it from my memory, hm'kay? Fire Captain: So, he was hoarding because when he tried to throw things away his subconscious would remember Woodsy's voice saying "Give a hoot, don't pollute" and touching his penis with his wing? Pinkerton: Wow, that is so complex and trippy and cool! Dr. Chinstrap: Well, now that we've uncovered Mackey's source of hoarding, we can finally move on to yours, Stan. Are you ready for your therapy? Stan: [thinks a moment] I think I have a better idea. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Stan is cleaning out his locker. Kyle and Wendy walk up to him Wendy: Stan, did you find out the reason you've been hoarding? Stan: Whatever it is, I don't wanna know. I'm just gonna throw this crap away like I should have to begin with. Kyle: But dude, there must be something in your past you're not dealing with. Stan: Don't care. After going through all that crap and seeing what happened to Mackey, I don't want any part of therapy! Kyle: How do you know... [this stops Stan cold] that wasn't your therapy? [Dr. Chinstrap walks up and begins his accompaniment...]

Scene Description: Cartman's basement/The Coon's headquarters, day. A tapestry there now says "COON aND FRiEndS." The camera pans down to show The Coon with seven new superhero friends Coon: My fellow heroes, tonight I stopped three murders from happening. [begins pacing back and forth] I don't know why, but we're seeing a huge trend in crime. We have to find out the source of this evil. Something big is about to happen, and it is up to Coon and Friends to stop it. [Stan raises his hand] Yes, Toolshed. Toolshed: Why do we have to be called "Coon and Friends"? Coon: [stops] ...What? Toolshed: We all fight crime together. How come we're just your "friends"? TupperWear: [steps forward] Yeah. We wanna be called "The Extreme Avenger League." All: Yeah! That's right. Extreme Avenger League! Coon: I told you, TupperWear, Extreme Avenger League doesn't work. TupperWear: Why not? Coon: It's confusing! The Coon is a brand people already know. Mosquito: Why can't it be Mosquito and Friends? Coon: Nobody's fucking heard of you, Mosquito! Mosquito: Have, so. Coon: [paces again] Look guys, we need to find out what's causing the crime wave in this city. [stops] Mysterion, you and the Human Kite get on the computer and dig up what you can. TupperWear and Mosquito, scan the news. Toolshed, you run a perimeter check with Iron Maiden. Iron Maiden: Timmeh! Coon: Let's work, people! [the other heroes begin to leave, but Coon holds one back] Uh, Mint-Berry Crunch, could I have a quick word with you in the debriefing chamber? [takes Mint-Berry Crunch to a corner of headquarters, sits behind a desk and sighs] Okay, ummm, I really enjoy having you be a part of Coon and Friends and I certainly appreciate your on-time paying of dues and fees; it's just... I don't... I'm not getting your deal. I mean, exactly what is Mint-Berry Crunch supposed to mean? [Mint-Berry Crunch's jaw drops] I, I get that you're half man and half berry, and that you're... crunchy with some mint, but... to be a part of Coon and Friends, you have to have a clear and more... superhero kind of identity. [Mint-Berry Crunch just looks at himself, then back at Coon] Mint-Berry Crunch, ummm, I'm just wondering if... maybe you need to add something else to the Mint-Berry Crunch part of your costume. Mint-Berry Crunch: [looks at himself again] Like milk? Coon: [annoyed] No, not like milk! You see, I really think we're on different pages here, Mint-Berry Crunch! It's like you don't even- [an alarm sounds] Alarm: Coon and Friends alert. Coon and Friends alert. Coon: Uh oh! [quickly leaves his chair. The superheroes meet up again in front of a big monitor, which is receiving video in Coon-O-Vision.] What's the alert, Mosquito? Mosquito: There's like a big fire or something in town. Coon: What? A fire? Coon volume up! [grabs the remote and clicks the up arrow for volume] News 4 Reporter: There's thought to be at least twenty people trapped inside the apartment building, and firefighters are having no luck. Coon: My God, this is what we've been waiting for! Coon and Friends, let's head out! Coon's Friends: Let's do it! Yeah! Let's go! [they begin to head out, but Cartman stops Mint-Berry Crunch again] Coon: Yeah, uhh, Mint-Berry Crunch, why don't you stay here and mind the place, okay? Kewl. [Mint-Berry Crunch stays behind as the others leave] Scene Description: Cartman's house, moments later. The boys come out of the basement Coon: We've got to get downtown fast, Coon Friends! [walks up to Liane, who's sitting on the sofa reading a book, and stops] Mom, you've gotta drive us downtown! Liane: Ohh, it's a little late, sweetie. Why don't you boys just keep playing downstairs? Coon: Mom, you're the Coon's faithful butler! I wanna go downtown now! Liane: Well, all right. [puts down her book and blanket] I guess I can get some groceries anyway. [rises and leads the boys out to the car] Scene Description: Liane's car Coon: Into the Coon Mobile, everyone! Let's just hope we get there in time! [everyone gets in] Liane: All right, are you little munchkins buckled up for safety? Coon: Mom, don't talk to us like that! We're fucking superheroes! Liane: [bangs the center armrest with her right fist] Eric, what have we talked about with that language?! One more time and I'm not taking you anywhere! Coon: [exasperated] Oh... I'm sorry Mom, can we go please? [Liane starts the car, and under his breath Coon says] Unbelievable! [crosses his arms] Scene Description: Downtown. Fire trucks are everywhere and a few hoses fight the fire. Police are also present Fireman: We tried gettin' in through the back; it was no good! Fire Captain: Those people are gonna die if we don't do something! Liane: [pulls up] Oh my goodness, it's a fire. [the boys leave the car] Coon: Come on, Coon Friends! Liane: No- Eric, stay in the car, sweetie! Fire Captain: Can we try a helicopter? Fireman: The winds are too high. The chopper would burn in minutes. [Coon and Friends walk up next to the firemen] Coon: All right, what seems to be the problem? Fire Captain: Get back, kids. It isn't safe. Liane: [walks around looking for Cartman] Eric, poopsie? Coon: Whatever's happening, you need help from the Coon! Mosquito: And friends! Fire Captain: Keep those children back, Thompson! [Liane finds the boys and walks up to them] Coon: Please sir, you must let us- Liane: Sweetie, let the nice firemen do their job. Coon: Shut! Up! Mom! God! Officer: Wait. Look! Up in the sky! Fireman: It's him! My God, it's really him! Fire Captain: He's come to help us. Captain Hindsight! [in the distance a superhero flies towards the town. He's wearing red and yellow tights and a black cope with a blue eye on it - looking behind] Stan: Who's Captain Hindsight? Announcer: Captain Hindsight, the hero of the modern age. [a series of comic book pictures follows] Once known as Jack Brolin, a reporter for the national news, the hero was born when a freak accident gave him the amazing power of extraordinary hindsight. From toxic spills to unjust wars there is no task too large for... Captain Hindsight! [the hero descends and lands next to the firemen] Fire Captain: Captain Hindsight, thank God you've come! Captain Hindsight: What's the skinny? Fireman: There's people trapped in that burning building, Captain Hindsight. And the fire is so massive we can't get to them. Captain Hindsight: Hmmm... You see those windows on the right side? They should have built fire escapes on those windows for the higher floors, then people could have gotten down. And then on the roof: they should have built it with a more reinforce structure, so a helicopter could have landed on it. Fireman: Yes, of course. Captain Hindsight: And then you see that building to the left? Fire Captain: Yes. Captain Hindsight: They shouldn't have built that there. Because now you can't park any fire trucks where you really need to. [stands up tall] Well, looks like my job here is done. Goodbye everyone! [takes off] Fireman: Thank you, Captain Hindsight! Officer: Thank youuu! Fire Captain: All right everyone, I guess that's it. Let's pack it up. [the firemen and officers quickly pack up and leave, but the building keeps burning. Coon and Friends can only watch helplessly as trapped residents scream.] Scene Description: The Marsh house, dinner time. The family is eating quietly Randy: Whoa, boy, did you hear about that fire downtown, Sharon? Sharon: Oh my gosh, yes! They said like 14 people died. Randy: It's just ridiculous to me that they didn't build fire escapes on those upper floors! Ridiculous! Sharon: Oh I know, and if you ask me, they should've built a roof with enough support to land a helicopter. Randy: I mean, hello! Stan: Hey you guys are just repeating what that hindsight guy said. Randy: Why yes, Stan. Captain Hindsight is our protector and guardian. We're just thankful he was there for that fire. And now we can all eat in peace. [an alarm sounds] Alarm: Coon and Friends alert. Coon and Friends alert. [they look around for the source of the alarm, then get up and enter the living room] Randy: What the hell is that? [they stop in front of the alarm] Who put that there? Alarm: Alert: Seriously. All Coon Friends to base. Alert, you guys. I'm seriously. Stan: [backs up towards the stairs] Mom, Dad? I I finished dinner. Can I go up to my room? Sharon: [distracted] Well sure, Stan. [Stan goes upstairs] Wha- How did that thing get there, Randy? Randy: I don't know. Sharon: Well take it down. It's noisy. Randy: I can't. I don't know what happened to all my tools. [the alarm stays on as they look at each other in wonder.] Scene Description: The Coon's headquarters, day. Toolshed enters the basement, revving his drill Coon: Alright, Toolshed is here. We can start. Toolshed: Dude, who said you could put a big siren in my parents' house? Mosquito: Yeah, I almost got in trouble for it. Coon: The Coon must be able to signal his friends when a huge catastrophe breaks out. TupperWear: So what's the huge catastrophe? Coon: What's the huge-? Did you guys not see that Captain Hindsight guy?! The Human Kite: Yeah, so? Coon: So there's a big superhero out there doing stuff on his own and he's NOT part of Coon and Friends! Toolshed: Oh Jesus... Coon: [walks up to a hidden computer, which is actually a prop] I've looked into it and this Captain Hindsight is everywhere. He's like some freelance butthole scab. We need to make him join us! Professor Chaos: Hey fellas? [the boys turn to see him] Fellas, could you let me out please? It uh it's been like six days. [he's in the Coon's holding cell, with a light outside by which he could see.] Coon: You aren't going anywhere, Chaos! Professor Chaos: Yeah, but uh, but uh youuu, but you only gave me this bucket to poop in and it's full now. [pulls the bucket into view] And I ain't got nothin' to eat. Coon: You've got poop, don'tcha? [goes back to the other boys] Now the question is, how are we gonna get Captain Hindsight to join Coon and Friends? Mysterion: Who cares if a hero doesn't want to be part of Coon and Friends? Coon: I CARE! Mysterion: Look, all we need to do is wait for the next disaster, then try to beat Hindsight to the scene. Coon: There's not gonna be any worse disaster. What could possibly be worse than a fire that kills fourteen people?! Scene Description: Marine Sanctuary, day. A pelican rests on a sign at the end of a string of buoys. It takes off as a huge freighter floats by and breaks the string in two. It's a BP Oil ship BP Man 1: All right, this looks like a jolly good place. BP Man 2: Yes. Let's let her rip. [a crane operator pulls some levers, releasing a cable which enable a giant drill to descend into the water. The drill hits the sea bottom and all the marine animals there scatter.] BP Man 3: That's it, lads. Collect that oil! [the drill hits some rock and shakes from the impact] BP Man 4: Uh oh! [oil begins to ooze out of the hole into the ocean. It quickly reaches the surface and lots of dead fish pop up immediately] Oh deah. BP Man 3: Oh, don't tell me we did it again? Scene Description: The McCormick house, night. Stuart and his wife are in bed asleep; their bedroom window is open. An alarm goes off and they jump out of bed, frightened Alarm: Coon and Friends alert. Coon and Friends alert. [they exit the room and see the alarm in the hallway] All Coon Friends report to base. I'm so seriously. Emergency. Coon and Friends alert. [Kenny appears and is ready to go. He turns away and is carrying a small back pack over his right shoulder. He goes to a far window and climbs out] Scene Description: The Coon's headquarters. The Human Kite, Mysterion, Mint-Berry Crunch, and Mosquito enter it and come down the stairs Coon: Good, you're all here. Take a look at this. Coon volume up! [raises the volume. On screen is the BP oil spill] Scene Description: The Gulf, in Coon-O-Vision Reporter: It's a scene of utter despair and catastrophe. Oil from the ocean is spill out out of control, and the rescue effort seems futile. Man: It's horrible. We can't stop the oil from contaminatin' everything. Woman: Our home is covered in sludge. Where are we supposed to go? Cajun Shrimp Merchant: Git a lookie on mah scrimp heuh! Might as give ya the best scrimp this side of Louisiana and now down tuh where we all got up in our scrimp, and it ain't worth a slimy noob it ain't sold on. There, now lookit all the url on mah scrimp! Scene Description: Coon Headquarters Mysterion: My God! Another oil spill could mean absolute devastation for the Gulf! The Human Kite: We've got to help those people! Coon: Yes. This is definitely a job for Coon and Friends. Mint-Berry Crunch: Let's pack the Gulf full of flavor! [Cartman looks at him in disbelief] Scene Description: The Gulf. As rescuers clean up as best they can, one of them looks up in the sky Rescuer 1: [a woman] Wait a minute. Look! It's Captain Hindsight! [Captain Hindsight flies towards the rescuers and they begin cheering] Coon: Oh no! Captain Hindsight: What seems to be the problem? Rescuer 2: It's that BP Oil rig, Captain Hindsight. It drilled into a marine sanctuary and the environment is being poisoned. Rescuer 3: If we can't stop it, the spill could reach New Orleans. Captain Hindsight: [thinks] Hmm... All right. You see where that rig is drilling? Rescuer 3: Yes. Captain Hindsight: It's in too deep of water. They shouldn't have drilled in that deep of water, because now they can't get machines deep enough to fix the spill! Rescuer 2: Aha! Rescuer 4: Yesss, YESSS. Captain Hindsight: Now, if it's a valve that ruptured, then what they should have done is installed the backup valve in case that valve broke. Rescuer 2: I believe they did install a backup safety valve, Captain Hindsight. Captain Hindsight: [thinks] Hmmm... Right. Then they should have had a backup safety valve to that backup safety valve! Rescuer 5: My God, he's right! Captain Hindsight: My work here is done! I'm off to fine others in need! Rescuer 4: God bless you, Captain Hindsight! God bless you!! Scene Description: Coon Headquarters Coon: Goddammit! We have got to get that guy into Coon and Friends! Scene Description: Jack Brolin's mansion, day. Cartman, dressed in a business suit, rings the bell by the front door Butler: [answering the door] Can I help you? Cartman: I understand this is where Captain Hindsight lives? Butler: Yes? Cartman: I need to speak with him, please. Butler: The captain is very busy dealing with the Gulf oil crisis. Cartman: I believe I have something that can help him deal with that oil crisis, sir. Butler: Mr. Hindsight, sir. [Hindsight sits behind his desk looking at three monitors with 12 screens each. He turns around at the mention of his name] This young man would like a word. Captain Hindsight: Please, sit down. What can I do for you? Cartman: Mr. Hindsight, I represent some very high-profile people, [sets his briefcase on the table and opens it] and I've been asked to give you some really exciting news. [takes out an application to join Coon and Friends and hands it to Hindsight] You, have been pre-approved to become the newest member, of Coon and Friends. Captain Hindsight: [takes the application] Of what? Cartman: I know the Coon personally, and I can tell you, being a Coon friend is the very highest honor. As you can see in those papers, your first three months of dues have actually been waived. This must be amazingly exciting for you. Officer 2: [from one of the 36 screens] Captain Hindsight? Captain Hindsight, please come in! [Hindsight walks over to see what the matter is] Captain Hindsight: Go ahead. Officer 2: The oil keeps coming out! We've got other rigs now catching fire! Captain Hindsight: Listen! They should have hosed down the other rigs as soon as the spill began, and that wouldn't have happened. Officer 2: Right. [salutes] Thank you! [Hindsight salutes back. Another screen comes on to his right] Fireman 2: Captain Hindsight! The dolphins that those volunteers cleaned of oil, they, they're all dying! Captain Hindsight: Get down to the volunteers and tell them they should have used a non-bleaching cleanser! Commissioner! Commissioner: Yes? Captain Hindsight: Tell Brett Favre he should have never sent actual pictures of his schlong! [the screen the commissioner was on switches over to Santa Monica Pier as Hindsight shows his fatigue] It's not a blessing, it's a curse. Cartman: [waits a few seconds, then] ...So, anyways, if you wanna just start filling out the form, we'll get you enrolled in Coon and Friends right away. Captain Hindsight: Look, I'm sorry kid, but I work alone. Cartman: Well, see, the problem with that is there's a superhero union called Coon and Friends. But if you refuse to be a part of that union. you are a scab! Captain Hindsight: Get this kid out of here! I have to think! Cartman: [gathers the form and puts it back in the briefcase] Fine! You'll be hearing from my lawy- the Coon's lawyer, sir! [walks away] Scene Description: BP Crisis special report Anchor Man: The BP Oil spill in the Gulf continues to get worse every day. As public anger towards the BP Company grows, their president released this statement: Scene Description: A BP oil rig Tony Hayward: [a soft acoustic guitar begins to play] Hello, I'm Tony Hayward, president and CEO of BP. Our accidental drilling spill again in the Gulf is a tragedy that should have never happened. And to all those affected, I want to say, we are deeply sorry. [switch to camera 2 to his left, and he turns to look at it] We're sorry. [on the tundra dressed in winter gear, stroking a baby arctic seal] We're sorry. [in the kitchen with an apron on, taking a tray of chocolate chip cookies from the oven] We're sorry. [skis towards the camera and stops] Sorry. [back on the oil rig] BP has taken full responsibility for cleaning up this spill in the Gulf, and in doing so, we've changed our name from Beyond Petroleum, to Dependable Petroleum. [a shot of the Earth and Moon in an interesting configuration. The Earth has two drills attached to it, the Moon has large creators that look similar to a face, and clouds look similar to flailing arms] We no longer fuck the earth, we DP it. Scene Description: Coon Headquarters. The Coon has his friends gathered around his Coon table. "QUIET. COON-FERENCE IN SESSION" Coon: Gentlemen, my attempts to recruit Captain Hindsight into Coon and Friends have been unsuccessful, but I believe I've come up with a solution. Coon Vision on! [a projector screen is shown, as is the projector on the table. Pictures begin to appear on screen] All we need to do is get pictures of Captain Hindsight naked with Courtney Love. Then we'll tell him if he doesn't join us, we'll put them on the Internet. Toolshed: How do we get pictures of him naked with Courtney Love? Coon: Simple, Toolshed. Coon slide 2? [the next slide clicks into place] We dress Professor Chaos up as Courtney Love, take pictures of him naked with a homeless guy, then photoshop Hindsight's face onto it. Professor Chaos: Me?? Awww, come on, fellas, don't make me be Courtney Love. Coon: Gotta get to work fast, people! Coon and Friends, ho! Mosquito: ...You want us to take naked pictures of Butters to use as blackmail? That doesn't sound very superhero-like. Coon: That's because you think small, Mosquito! You have a tiny little mosquito brain, that's why you don't come up with the plan! Mosquito: Nono, look. what's going on down in the Gulf is much more important than blackmailing another hero. Mysterion: Agreed. Coon: Oh who cares about some oil spill environment crap?! Toolshed: Mosquito has a good plan, Cartman! Hear him out! Coon: You don't know that I'm Cartman because my true identity is secret! Mysterion: We all have a say in this organization, Coon! Let Mosquito talk! Coon: [grudgingly] All right, Mosquito, how do you wanna help people suffering in the Gulf crisis? [crosses his arms] Mosquito: I think we should help raise money for the relief aid by having a bake sale. Coon: [challenging] A bake sale? Mosquito: I have a recipe for lemon bars from my mom. We could wear our costumes outside the grocery store and sell lemon bars. Which would be a good deed, and help people. Coon: We're superheroes, not the fucking Girl Scouts! Mysterion: Those people down there need help! Sometimes being a hero means helping in smaller ways. Iron Maiden: Timmeh! Coon: [challenging] You think selling lemon bars is helpful to mankind? Mint-Berry Crunch: More helpful than taking naked pictures of Butters. Coon: Shut up, Mint-Berry Crunch! You aren't even anything! Mosquito: And that's another thing: no more picking on Mint-Berry Crunch! Coon: Oh, what are you, the boss now?! Mosquito: No, but we are all equal! From now on, we vote! Who wants to go with my plan? [everybody but Coon raises a hand. The Iron Maiden lifts a sword] Coon: [crosses his arms again, sarcastic] Sounds awesome. Let's do it. Toolshed: To the grocery store! Scene Description: A street in the neighborhood. Coon leads his friends down the street. A classical piece plays as the boys are shown in slow motion. Coon: [thinking] As we walked along the road to the grocery store, my Coon sense started tingling. Something was wrong. Very wrong. I've learned to trust my Coon sense. It has always been my guide. And so I knew I must act. A coon must know when to defend itself. [Coon turns to his right and high-kicks Mospuito on the cheek. Mosquito goes up in the air and bounces on the road. Coon kicks him in the balls and leaps at him, and grins. He spreads his claws out and slashes Mosquito on the left temple. Mint-Berry Crunch moves to intervene while Coon continues to rake Mosquito across the face. Coon notices Mint-Berry Crunch coming to Mosquito's aid and slashes him too.] Scene Description: A dinner, later. Coon and his friends are seated around a large table. Mosquito and Mint-Berry Crunch are battered and bruised. Mosquito's vuvuzela snout is crimped Coon: [after a while] Well, now we're back to normal. [smiles] Just like before and all forgotten? Right right? Mint-Berry Crunch: [defeated] Right right. Mosquito: [defeated] Right. Coon: Keewwwl! So what's next for Coon and Friends? [no one says a word, and Coon takes a sip of his soda] Scene Description: Another BP Crisis special report Anchor Man: Another crisis in the Gulf of Mexico as the oil company DP has once again made a huge error. [a glowing plasma seeps out of a big hole while strange creatures float and walk out of there] This time, the oil company has accidentally ripped a hole into another dimension. [beachgoers run for their lives as a many-mouthed three-legged creature lumbers by. A flying creature drops down on a woman, scoops her up in its tentacles, and rips her in two at the waist. Other winged creatures swoop in and abduct other beachgoers. Different creatures walk by the pier and scoop up visitors there, then drop them into open mouths that look like Venus fly traps] The oil company stated that it knew a portal to another dimension was there, but didn't think drilling into it would prove problematic. [two men are fishing when another creature pops up and eats them] Now hundreds of creatures from another dimension are spilling out into our reality and wreaking havoc. [a giant starfish creature sits on the pier floor when a man gets curious and leans in. It snaps shut, leaving him headless. Everyone else jumps back and a woman screams] Scene Description: Hayward's BP oil rig Tony Hayward: [a soft acoustic guitar begins to play] Hello, I'm Tony Hayward, CEO of DP. Tearing a hole into another dimension is a tragedy that should have never happened. And as CEO, I would like to say... We're sorry. [sitting in an armchair by the fireplace stroking a sleeping lap puppy] We're sorry. [sitting in a prairie holding a dandelion] We're sorry. [blows the seeds off the dandelion stem. Next, he's in bed looking up somewhat seductively] Sohr-ry. Scene Description: Jack Brolin's mansion, day. Captain Hindsight is at his desk looking glum. Butler: [appears] Captain Hindsight! Sir! Calls for help are pouring in! You've got to get out to the Gulf! Captain Hindsight: I can't help anyone right now! Something came up. Butler: What, sir? You know you can tell me. Captain Hindsight: Do you remember last week when I... got really really drunk? Butler: Yes sir. Captain Hindsight: Look at those photos on the desk. [the butler walks up to the desk and looks at the photos. The first one is Butters as Courtney Love posing for the camera and the homeless man standing on a stool behind him naked, with Hindsight's face photoshopped onto him. Next, it's Butters on the stool with the homeless man standing behind him. Next, it's Butters posing for the camera and standing on the homeless man's back] Butler: My God, is that you and... Courtney Love? Captain Hindsight: 'Course it's Courtney Love! Butler: But when did you have a- Captain Hindsight: I don't remember! That's just the point! I get drunk, I don't remember things! I shouldn't have drank that much, and I shouldn't have mixed alcohols! Alcohol shouldn't be legal! Oh it's maddening! Butler: That doesn't matter now, sir! People are getting hurt in the Gulf and they need to know what they could've done! Captain Hindsight: I should have never kept that bottle of Macallan in the pantry! I should have never gotten around Courtney Love and a camera. I should- Butler: Sir! SIR! Scene Description: Another BP Crisis special report, continued Reporter: Creatures from another dimension continue to wreak havoc in the Gulf, and the question everyone is asking is, "Where is Captain Hindsight?" Rescuer 6: Where are you, Captain Hindsight? Cajun Shrimp Merchant: Where are d'you countih ninety-oh bebbly now is showmesitchcum. Reporter: With Captain Hindsight missing, what superheroes can save the Gulf now? Scene Description: Coon Headquarters. The Coon has his friends gathered around his Coon table. His smear campaign is a complete success Coon: My fellow superheroes, I have done it. Hindsight is taken care of. And now the country can finally be made aware of Coon and Friends! Toolshed: There's more important things to discuss right now! Coon: Right, Toolshed. Now, how do we deal with these creatures from another dimension? Mysterion: He means we need to discuss things with you! Coon: Okay, what? Mysterion: Aw, I don't wanna tell him. TupperWear, you tell him! TupperWear: I don't wanna tell him either. The Human Kite: I'll tell him. Coon, I'm sorry, but we're kicking you out of Coon and Friends. Coon: You're kicking me out of Coon and Friends. Toolshed: We all voted, it was unanimous. Coon: You can't kick me out of Coon and Friends, I'm the fucking Coon! The Human Kite: Look, we just believe that you have your goals and ways of doing things and they conflict with what we want to accomplish. Mysterion: But we get the headquarters and all the equipment. Coon: You don't keep anything! This is my basement and I'll tell my mom on you guys! Mysterion: We've already discussed this with her. Mrs. Cartman? [she walks in and approaches Mysterion] Liane: Yes, Mysterion? Mysterion: Please escort the Coon out of our secret base. Liane: [takes Coon away from the table and up the stairs] Eric, I talked to you about beating up your friends, didn't I? Coon: Mom, what the fuck?! The fuck are you doing?! Scene Description: upstairs. Liane takes Coon out of the basement and shuts the door. Coon tries to get back in, but can't Liane: Eric, you do not beat up your friends! And I told you I've had it with your language! [crosses her arms] Your punishment is that your friends will just play superheroes without you! Go to your room! Coon: [incredulous] You've gotta be fucking kidding me! Scene Description: The DP boardroom, day. DP Executive 1: Oh dear, we have certainly pooped our trousers this time! Tony Hayward: Yes, I'm afraid it's going to take more than another "I'm sorry" campaign to please everyone this time. DP Executive 2: Oh, what a right pickle we're in. [a flying creature floats up past the windows carrying a screaming man] DP Executive 3: There is no way to cut the dimensional portal, I'm afraid. The ocean currents and swells are simply too much to get any machines in. Tony Hayward: Wait a tick! [rises] Currents and swells, that's it! I think I know how to fix this! DP Executive 4: How, by Jove? Tony Hayward: We drill. DP Executives: Drill of course, yes, yes, of course. Tony Hayward: I believe that if we drill on the moon, changing its gravitational pull on our ocean swells, we could cut the dimensional spill. DP Executive 5: I don't quite get it. Tony Hayward: We got into this mess by drilling heuh [the Gulf of Mexico], and heuh [somewhere in Peru]. Now, we need to drill heuh! [draws a drill bit entering the moon] DP Executive 6: That looks extremely promising! Tony Hayward: Our environment should stabilize if it's getting drilled here, here, and here at the same time. DP Executive 6: The seismic forces will be massive. Do you think the moon can take it? Tony Hayward: [arms crossed] Oh, she'll take it. Scene Description: A launch pad, day. A DP rocket takes off Scene Description: The moon. DP's newest rig is now up and running as DP astronauts spread out from the rig. Nearby are the bodies of Willzy-x and Tom Cruise Anchor Man: The DP Oil Company today drilled into the moon and appears to have caused even greater problems. Stan: Uh oh, I have a feeling we'd better get into our costumes again, guys. Scene Description: News 4 Breaking News: DP unleashes Cthulhu Reporter: Tom, the DP Oil Company has had another drilling accident. [Cthulhu appears looming over the oil rig in the Gulf] This time they appear to have unleashed the dark and mighty Cthulhu. [Cthulhu swats a helicopter down with just a gentle wave of his right arm] The rise of Cthulhu from another dimension brings about three thousand years of darkness, Tom, where we will all be driven to madness and made to service Cthulhu's cult as slaves. The president of DP Oil released this press statement: Tony Hayward: [a soft acoustic guitar begins to play. First, Hayward is at his ranch looking at some horses. He turns around and faces the camera] As president of DP Oil, I want to say... We're sorry. [in the bathroom shaving] I'm deeply sorry. [naked on a bear rug before a fireplace, his butt cheeks rosy-red] Sorry. Reporter: Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn. Praise the dark Cthulhu, long may he reign. Stan: It's up to us, guys. Let's get to the Gulf! [the seven suit up and leave the house. Mysterion goes to the camera and covers it with his cape] Scene Description: Cartman's room, night. Cartman is dressed as the Coon and stands in the window looking out over the backyard Cartman: [voice over] Darkness has taken over our town. The Coon and Friends have given in to evil. It's up to the Coon to stop them. Cartman: Asshoooles! [leaps out of window]

Scene Description: VCI Goes A Bg on it then A comic book appears from Komik Faktory Press. Mysterion. The cover has him dropping down from the sky ready for action. Mysterion's voice is heard Mysterion: I am Mysterion. Though only nine years old, I dedicate my life to helping people - when I'm not in school. [the book opens to a random page. On that page he is defeating Professor Chaos] For months now I've been protecting my town from crime. But now, something has happened that even I cannot fight alone. [a picture of the oil rig, updating every few seconds to show the spread of the oil slick] The BP Oil Company has drilled and caused a spill in the Gulf like no other. The President of BP apologized. Tony Hayward: [on the rig] We're sorry. Mysterion: But they drilled again, and tore open a portal into another dimension. Tony Hayward: [in the field, reclining for the camera] We're sorry. [some pages flip over and various creatures are shown] Mysterion: Creatures from that dimension are now wreaking havoc in the Gulf. BP tried to solve the problem by drilling on the moon, but instead they caused the dark lord Cthulhu to emerge. Tony Hayward: [on the bear rug by the fireplace, naked, on his belly] Sorry. [next page has the Coon and Friends as they burst forth from headquarters. Mosquito and Human Kite are shown flying.] Mysterion: I have joined forces with other superheroes in my neighborhood to help save the Gulf. But even the other heroes do not know that unlike them, I do have a power. A power they will now begin to understand. And all will know who and what I truly am! [a swarm of ?'s flies around the screen, and the name of the episode appears] Scene Description: Food for Little, day. The little superheroes are at two tables selling lemon bars. Five for $3 Woman 1: Just terrific what you boys are doing. Mysterion: Thank you, ma'am. Man 1: [holding some bars] I'll take twenty lemon bars, you little rascals. Field Reporter: A terrific human interest story here, Tom. As America wonders what happened to Captain Hindsight, some Colorado kids are being a little "superhuman" themselves. They call themselves "Coon and Friends," and they've been baking and selling lemon bars to help aid those affected in the Gulf crisis. Mysterion: We believe that every little bit helps. Field Reporter: Their little "super club" consists of seven young heroes. [the boys each strike a pose as they announce themselves] Toolshed: Toolshed! Human Kite: The Human Kite! Mysterion: Mysterion! TupperWear: TupperWear! Mosquito: Mosquito! Iron Maiden: Timmah! Mint-Berry Crunch: Mint Berry Crrrunch! [twirls around] Field Reporter: The boys stated that there used to also be a hero named The Coon actually in the group, but they let him go because he was being quote, [reads from his cue card] "a dick". Toolshed: Mysterion, if Cartman's gone, why are we still calling ourselves Coon and Friends? Mysterion: Because it pisses Cartman off beyond belief, and I find that [chuckles] extremely funny. Scene Description: An airport lobby. Cartman awaits his flight with several other people. The group is waiting at Gate 34. Clerk: Passengers waiting for flight 73 to New Orleans, we thank you for your patience, but the conditions in the Gulf are still delaying our departure. Unfortunately, we've just been informed that the dark lord Cthulhu has shat on the runway at the New Orleans airport, and we'll be delayed at least another hour. Passengers: Awwww! Coon: Come on, people! Some of us need to get to New Orleans NOW! [the other passengers look at him] Yes yes, I am the Coon. Blonde Girl: The Coon? I've heard of that. Coon: Ya have? Blonde Girl: I saw on TV. That superhero group that's helping with the Gulf spill. Coon and Friends. Coon: Actually, I'm no longer with Coon and Friends. I work on my own now. Blonde Girl: Can I ask you a question? Coon: Yes, of course. Blonde Girl: Do you know Mint-Berry Crunch? What's he like? [Coon glares at her and then punches her out of her seat. He then pounces on her and begins to beat her up. A man comes to pull Coon off the girl, and she gets to punch him back. In comic book form, the man says "That's it, Coon!" while others cheer, "GO COON!"] Coon: [explains what's happening in the panels. He imagines her as bigger than him] The evil girl villain fought with all her might, but the Coon was too much for her. As people looked on and cheered for the Coon, he clawed and punched the villain's stupid fat face! ["TAKE THAT YOU EVIL BITCH"] This fight would not be the last the Coon fought. Next stop: New Orleans! Scene Description: Food for Little, day. The little superheroes are at two tables selling lemon bars, but there are a few bars left. Mosquito: That's almost it, superheroes. We're about out of lemon bars. Toolshed: Well then, perhaps we should return to our secret base and bake some more! Iron Maiden: Timmah! [a man with a creepy fixed grin approaches them] Man 2: I'll take ten lemon bars. Mosquito: Ten. Yes sir! [takes the man's cash and gives him the remaining bars] Human Kite: That's definitely the last of them. Man 2: You'll never stop him, you know. [Mosquito and Mint-Berry Crunch look at each other in foreboding music] Mosquito: Stop who? Man 2: The Great One. [his head sways back and forth as he speaks] Cthulhu. He has risen, and soon all will be under his rule. It has all been foretold in the Necronomicon. [takes his bars, turns around and walks away. He looks back briefly] Hail Cthulhu! The darkness of the mythos is finally here. [samples one of the bars] Oh man, these are really good lemon bars. [turns around and goes to his car] Toolshed: The Necronomicon? TupperWear: What's a mythos? Mysterion: I don't know, but I think we'd better find out. Toolshed: All right, superheroes. Back to our secret base! Mint-Berry Crunch: Mint-Berry Crrunch! Scene Description: Coon and Friends secret base, former Coon headquarters, Cartman's basement. The superheroes rush in to find it in ruins TupperWear: What the hell?! Mosquito: I knew it! Cartman tore our base up! Mysterion: Not Cartman. Human Kite: What do you mean "Not Cartman," dude? Mysterion: Whoever did this to our base was looking for something. Captain Hindsight: [silhouette, holding a gun] Don't anybody move! [comes into the light, drunk] So you're the superheroes trying to blackmail me! Toolshed: Aw, dude, it's Captain Hindsight. Narrator: Captain Hindsight, [the captain takes a sip of Macallan] the hero of the modern age. Once a reporter for the National News, Jack Brolin always had a knack for hindsight. ["Perhaps they should have called the police sooner"] Wanting to become the best-known reporter in the country, Jack tried an experiment to boost his hindsight levels. But then a freakish accident occurred when a retroactive spider got into the equipment. The reporter's hindsight was blasted to superhuman levels! ["It's too much!" He holds his head together. "I shouldn't have done that!"] For months he was able to use his new powers for good, fighting for peace, and the American way. [a panel shows him helping firefighters] With his three trusty companions, Shoulda, Coulda, and Woulda. [three creatures with only hind legs and lower lips thrust out] But now, the Hindsight that has saved so many threatens to consume Jack's very soul. It's Captaiiin Hindsight! Captain Hindsight: I shoulda never mixed vodka and Jack Daniels. I shoulda just gone to bed last night! Toolshed: Um dude, are you okay? Captain Hindsight: [cocks and aims his pistol at the boys] Where are the pictures?! Give every copy of the pictures to me NOW! Mint-Berry Crunch: P-p-please sir, w-we don't know what you mean. Captain Hindsight: [whips out the pictures mailed to him] You got pictures of me having sex with Courtney Love! Professor Chaos: Uhhh ohhh... Mysterion: Chaos! Why did you take those pictures?! Professor Chaos: But uh, but, but the Coon said if I took the pictures he, he'd let me go home and, and I've missed four days of school now 'cause I've been- Captain Hindsight: Alright enough! What's going on?! Mysterion: Hindsight, that isn't Courtney Love! Our former member, the Coon, tricked you! Captain Hindsight: It's not Courtney Love? Mysterion: Please sir, put down the gun. Captain Hindsight: No! What if I put down the gun and realize I shouldn't have?! Toolshed: Look dude, we don't need to play Superhero anymore. We can just go home. Captain Hindsight: NO! Because I could realize I shoulda killed you all! Mysterion: Then do it! [walks right up to the pistol and places himself at the end of the barrel] Pull the trigger, Hindsight! If you don't believe us then you don't have a choice! Pull the trigger, you pussy! Human Kite: Dude, Kenny, ch-chill out. Mysterion: You guys go! I'll deal with this prick! Mint-Berry Crunch: [the first up the stairs] Wuh uh okay, if you insist. Uh see ya, Kenny. Human Kite: My mom did tell me I had to be home by five, I- Mysterion: I said it's fine! Just go! [the other boys leave] Toolshed: [stops] Uh, text me later, Kenny, if you wanna, like, play basketball or somethin'. [leaves] Scene Description: The Gulf. Cthulhu is tearing the piers apart. He takes a tilt-a-whirl and throws it at the fleeing crowd. The Coon climbs up the side of a roller coaster as burning pieces of it fall down past him. Soon the beach is clear of sunbathers and Coon reaches the top of the coaster. He runs along the tracks, jumping over any breaks. He runs to the end of the track, where the rest of it is missing, and looks at the dark lord Coon: Cthulhu! Cthulhu, dude! Over here! [Cthulhu turns around and looks at Coon] Hey Cthulhu. 'Sup? Yes, it is me, the Coon! But don't worry, I'm actually not here to fight you! We are not so different, Cthulhu. Though I am a superhero and you are a dark god from another dimension, perhaps, we can work together! [Cthulhu looks around] I know how it feels to want to take over and rule the earth and have everyone else be your slaves. I do, bro! But there's a group of superhumans who are going to stop at nothing to stop YOU! [Cthulhu leans towards Coon at eye-level] Good, I have your attention. The superhumans I speak of are right now working on plans to destroy you! They reside in Colorado and they are fucking assholes, and they all deserve to be sent into a dark oblivion! You can do that, right? Send people into a dark oblivion? 'Cause that's what those buttholes deserve! [Cthulhu withdraws and walks away] No-Dude! Dude, Colorado is that way! Where are you going?? [runs back down the track] Goddammit, why don't dark lords fuckin' listen?! Scene Description: Coon and Friends secret base. Mysterion and Hindsight remain, Hindsight sways, intoxicated Captain Hindsight: It doesn't matter. [takes a swig of Macallan] Even if the pictures are fake. I can't take it anymore. [turns away] Do you have any idea what a curse it is to have perfect 20/20 hindsight? [takes another swig] As soon as something bad happens, I immediately know how it could have been avoided. I can't take it anymore! Mysterion: People need you, Hindsight! [Hindsight takes a swig of Macallan] Without you they feel helpless and stupid. Captain Hindsight: Well I don't want the power anymore, alright?! Mysterion: You think your power's a curse?! Let me tell you something about curses, buttlicker! [turns around. Hindsight, curious, turns to face him] Because there's some superpowers that make yours look like nothing! Trust me, I know. Captain Hindsight: Wha-? What is your power? Mysterion: [turns around] I can't die. [pauses] I've experienced death, countless times. Sometimes I see a bright light. Sometimes I see heaven. Or hell. But eventually, no matter what, I wake up in my bed, wearing my same old clothes. [turns away] And the worst part? Nobody even remembers me dying. I go to school the next day, and everyone is just like, "Oh hey Kenny." Even if they had seen me get decapitated with their own eyes. [faces Hindsight] You wanna whine about curses, Hindsight? You're talking to the wrong fucking cowboy. Scene Description: Commercial Announcer: And now, a special announcement from the president of BP and DP. Tony Hayward: Hello, I'm Tony Hayward. The tragic spill in the Gulf is a disaster that should have never happened. And as head of the oil company responsible, I would like to say, what should I do? [looks at the camera to his left] Should I admit we've made mistakes? [the spill is shown again] Should I remind you we've done this before? What should I do? Should I find newer and better ways to say I'm sorry? [Jumps out of a giant three-tiered BP cake with stars on his nipples: "We're sorry."] Captain Hindsight: [at a podium] Should I really believe I ruined my legacy? [behind him is a large banner that reads "Captain Hindsight"] What should I do? Tony Hayward: [voice-over] What should I do? Mysterion: [voice-over] What should I do? [shown getting a massage] Should I forget about the past and not care about my powers? Tony Hayward: Or should I tell you, "I am not a role model." [winks] Captain Hindsight: [on the steps in the alley side of a building drinking Macallan] Seriously, what should I do? Tony Hayward: [in Western Outlaw getup] Should I accept my role as the villain? Mysterion: [in a familiar alley] Maybe I should just... disappear. Tony Hayward: [at the rig inspecting the blueprints] Should I not have listened to my technicians who said a spill wouldn't happen? They're my technicians! [blinks twice] Captain Hindsight: [on a darkened basketball court] Hindsight's a bitch, isn't it? Coon: [thinking on the roller coaster track] Should I just apologize to my friends and ask them to take me back? Tell then that I was being a selfish jerk? [aloud] What should I do? Captain Hindsight: [in the chair that gave him his superpower] Should I get back in the chair? Remove my powers and just go back to being a simple reporter? [activates the chair] Coon: [thinking on the roller coaster track] Should I admit I was wrong? Ask for everyone's forgiveness and go back to my original team? [aloud] Nah, screw that. I'm just gonna keep bein' a fuckin' dick! [jumps off the track] Scene Description: Clyde's bedroom. Coon and Friends are at a desk, with Human Kite typing away on a computer keyboard Toolshed: All right, superheroes, we've got to find out more about this Necronomicon thing! Mosquito: Right, Toolshed! Human Kite: Here we go: "The Necronomicon contains an account of the Old Ones, their history, and the means for summoning them." Toolshed: "It is used by cults around the world, most notably the Cult of Cthulhu." Mint-Berry Crunch: Aha! That's the cult the creepy man talked about, heroes. Uh, you okay, Mysterion? Mysterion: [away from the group, in deep thought] I'm fine. Human Kite: Ten arrested in South Park for cultish activity. This is from like, ten years ago. Mysterion: So these people have been waiting for Cthulhu a long time. Human Kite: Hey wait a minute. Dude. Mysterion, it's your parents. Mysterion: Uhh, what? [goes to see. He looks at the screen and his expression changes to one of dismay. His parents are pictured getting arrested along with the creepy man and Mr. Adler, shop teacher, among others. In his normal voice] What the fuck?! I m-I mean, [going into his superhero voice] Uh, I mean, what the fuck?! [takes over as Human Kite leaves the chair] Betsy: [knocks on the door] Clyde? Clyde, I told you this morning to take the garbage out. [Betsy knocks some more. Mosquito, Human Kite, and Mint-Berry Crunch look at each other] Clyde, do you hear me? Mosquito: [pulls his vuvuzela off his face] Okay Mom, just give me two minutes. [puts it back on] Nag nag nag. [buzzes a bit] Scene Description: More comic book pages appear, this time with Coon on them Coon: Convincing a giant creature from another dimension to do what you want is no easy task. After days of killing and conquering, Cthulhu is at rest. Now is my chance to make a move. Perhaps last time I was too forceful with the dark god. Too demanding. To get what it wants, sometimes a coon must be on the attack and vicious. [a raccoon is shown aiming to grab a sandwich from someone's left hand] But sometimes a coon must be cuddly and cute. [the same raccoon is shown sitting on its hind legs begging for the sandwich] Time for me to try and manipulate the most evil thing in all the universe. [as Cthulhu sleeps, Coon gets on its belly and giggles, then pats its belly. Cthulhu makes some sounds, then goes back to sleep] Who's the sleepy little man? [pats its belly again. This time Cthulhu sneezes and blows Coon off. Cthulhu licks his lips and goes back to sleep. Coon, undaunted, climbs right back on its belly. Giggling, he scoots closer. Cthulhu opens its eyes. Cartman smiles broadly] My name is the Little Coon. What is your name? [Cthulhu moans a bit, then open its mouth wide and roars. Coon struggles to stay on this time. When Cthulhu closes its mouth, Coon mimics him] Craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! [Cthulhu opens its eyes wide as Coon giggles. Cthulhu moans] You're a sleepy man ne, Cthulhu? [scratches Cthulhu's belly] Who's a needs a tummy rub? [Cthulhu makes moans happily] Scene Description: The McCormicks' bedroom. Stuart smokes a joint while his wife looks on. He coughs Carol: You're hoggin' it all, asshole! [she reaches for it, but he keeps it away] Stuart: 'Cause I paid for it, you stupid bitch! Carol: [she keeps reaching for it] You paid for it with the money I made washing dishes at the Olive Garden! Stuart: [pushes her off] I told you to shut up! Carol: [punches him] Give to me, you prick! [they fight over the joint, suddenly realizing Mysterion is at their window watching them] AH! AAAAH! [both of them fall off the bed and then peer up from the side] Oh God he's back! It's that mystery kid again! Stuart: Uh what the hell do you want this time? Hey look, w-we did what you told us! W-w-we treat our kids better and we don't beat each other up as much. Carol: And we gave our sons allowances and stopped gettin' high every night. [Stuart realizes he's still holding the joint and chucks it away] Mysterion: I'm not here about that. Stuart: Oh. Uhuh, sss-so now what? Mysterion: Ten years ago you were arrested for being in some kind of cult. Carol: [looks at Stuart] We were? Stuart: We've been arrested lots of times, Mysterio. Mysterion: Mysterion. What is the Cult of Cthulhu?! [the parents look at each other] Stuart: Oh, that thing. Nooo, we weren't in that stupid group. They just used to offer free beer at their meetings, so we would go. Mysterion: What happened at those meetings? Stuart: Trust us, we don't remember. Uh uh, I know it sounds hard to believe, but we were actually really drunk the entire time. Mysterion: I don't find that hard to believe at all. Carol: I swear, we haven't been back to their meetings ever since, even though we always still get invited. Mysterion: These people still meet? Where? Stuart: Where they always did. Jim McElroy's house. Carol: They used to meet every Friday night. I think they still do. [and with that, Mysterion vanishes. The window remains open, but no one is in it. Carol gets back on the bed. Stuart gets the joint back, sits next to her, and lights the joint] Did that really just happen? Stuart: I don't think so. [takes a drag] Scene Description: A news report Field Reporter: Breaking news here in the Gulf, Tom. The dark ancient god Cthulhu has called for a press conference, The Old One told reporters in a statement released this morning that it has extremely exciting news. Coon: Ladies and Gentlemen, today we are pleased to announce the successful merger of Cthulhu, and the Coon. Cthulhu's track record for complete dominance and interdimensionary rule is without question. And now, coupled with the legitimacy and instantly recognizable brand name of The Coon, we intend to bring change and fight injustice. As the all-new Coon and Friends. And anybody else using that name for their benefit is breaking the law! Oh, what's that? There is another group using our trademarked name? Well, I guess we have a right to banish them to a dark oblivion, don't we?! Scene Description: Jim McElroy's house, night. In the basement a robed man leads a group of cult followers in prayer Followers: ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn. Cult Leader: The Old One has awakened! [draws back his hood; it's the creepy man, or Man 2, from earlier] A lot of us have waited a long time for this day. Well for all our South Park Cthulhu members old and new, it is time to par-tay! [lukewarm response. Outside, Coon and Friends watch from a low window] Mysterion: There must be clubs like this all over the world. Toolshed: We know some of these people. There's Mr. Adler, from shop class. And those two geeky computer guys. Human Kite: Oh my God, look! Back row. Aren't those the Goth kids? Pete: I'm so freaking stoked that Cthulhu is gonna squash all the happy-go-lucky conformists. Michael: Yeah. I just hope he puts an end to the fucking Disney Channel. Toolshed: Dude, why would the Goth kids worship Cthulhu? Mysterion: Makes sense. Unrelenting despair and a thousand years of darkness sounds pretty goth. Cult Leader: Now let us read from the Necronomicon. "That is not dead which can eternal lie, and with strange aeons" Followers: "Even Death may die." [the boys turn away from the window] Toolshed: "In strange aeons even Death may die?" What does that mean, Human Kite? Human Kite: I'm not sure, Toolshed. Could it be a riddle, Mysterion? M-! Mysterion? [Mysterion is gone] Mint-Berry Crunch: Mysterion is sooo... mysterious. Scene Description: News report. Jack Brolin reporting. He looks familiar... Jack Brolin: A horrific scene of destruction, despair and terror here in New Orleans. And still there's no sign of Captain Hindsight. Rumor has it he got sick of it all, went back to his chair, and removed all his powers. Injured Man: [in the background, walking by with his left hand over his injured right upper arm] Where are you Captain Hindsight? Aggh! Jack Brolin: Perhaps... he shouldn't have gotten back in that chair... Scene Description: An alley in South Park. The Goth kids enter Pete: [kicks a can aside] Do you think the dark lord Cthulhu is gonna make us go to school? Michael: No, assmunch. Cthulhu just wants chaos, bedlam, and madness. Pete: Good, because if I have to go to PE class again, I was gonna kill myself. [they notice Mysterion looking at them from the edge of a roof] Who the F'n H is that? Mysterion: [jumps off the roof and lands on the alley floor, on one knee] What does it mean? "That is not dead which can eternal lie"? Michael: [takes a drag of his joint] "And with strange aeons even Death may die." Mysterion: What does it mean?! Pete: It means Cthulhu is gonna get rid of all the posers and make everything cool and black and stuff. It's gonna be like, a Nine Inch Nails concert that goes on forever. Michael: Yeah, so go home and put your underwear back inside your pants, poser. Mysterion: [rises and walks towards them] You're going to tell me everything you know! Firkle: [pulls out a switch blade and opens it] Nobody's stopping Cthulhu now! All will be sadness. Life will become death, and I will watch the crimson blood leak from your neck. Michael: Dude, that little kid is hardcore goth. Pete: Hardcore goth. Cult Leader: [he and Nelson appear behind Mysterion, who turns around] The child is right, you know. Cthulhu sees all, hears all. The dark lord wants us to dispense of this one, kids. Give us a hand. Pete: Whaaat? Dude, I don't wanna kill anybody. Michael: We're dark lord minions now, wuss. What'd you think we'd be doing? Pete: Ugh, whatevs. [Mysterion is stuck between the two advancing cult members and the Goth kids.] Scene Description: The Gulf sky, dark and stormy. Coon rides on Cthulhu. Upbeat music plays Singer: Cthulhu Cthulhu, Cthulhu Cthulhu. Coon: Yeeheah! Singer: The evil hate-filled Cthulhu, from a dimension far away.Flying through gates of madness and into your heart Coon: Yeah, fuck all o'you! Singer: Turning dreams into nightmares Coon: Lick my balls! Singer: Destroying all he sees Coon: Now begins a new adventure for... MEEEE! Singer: You and the dark one, Cthulhu Sharing adventures and smiles, It's a magical bond two pals can share. Soon the whole world will be made aware of You and the death lord, Cthulhu Makin' the world a better place. Together you will have so much fun Coon: Sending all my stupid friends to oblivion! Singer: You and the dark one, Cthulhu Coon: Suck it, bitches! Scene Description: The alley. There is no escape Cult Leader: Just hold still and it will all be over quickly. [a buzzing sound is heard, and all look to see who it is] Mosquito: Let him go! [he's on the roof of a building] Coon and Friends, ho! Mosquito! Toolshed: Toolshed! TupperWear: TupperWear! Iron Maiden: [behind the Goth kids] Timmeh! Human Kite: Human Kite! Mint-Berry Crunch: [behind the cult members] Mint-Berry Crrrunch! Toolshed: Let him go, dude, or else we'll totally tell our parents on you! Cult Leader: Sorry kids. It's a little late for that. [takes the switchblade from the Kindergoth and stabs Mysterion with it. The cult members and the Goth kids disperse as Mysterion coughs and stumbles. Mysterion stops and then falls flat on his back] Toolshed: Oh my God. Oh my God, they- they killed Kenny! Human Kite: You bastards! [a pool of blood appears under Kenny when someone knocks on a door somewhere. All of a sudden, Kenny is back in his room, in bed, in his same old clothes. More knocking] Scene Description: Kenny's room Toolshed: Dude, Kenny, what'd you run away for?! We've gotta fight these guys! Mosquito: Yeah, come on, get your costume on, lazy-ass! Human Kite: [jumps in the air] Let's go. [the boys move on] Mint-Berry Crunch: Mint-Berry Crunch! [Kenny sighs]

Scene Description: A new comic book. The speech bubbles give the hero away: this comic book is about Mintberry Crunch. On the page, two villains run from the flying half-man half-berry Mintberry Crunch: Sit back, justice believers, and listen to another edition of America's favorite superhero, Mintberry Crunch! [The camera pulls out to reveal the whole page, which is a cover of "the AMAZING MINTBERRY CRUNCH"] Our story begins in a remote corner of the Gulf of Mexico. [a graphic of the BP oil rig is shown] The BP Oil Company drills into the ocean floor, [a graphic of a fire destroying the rig] but they drill too much, and the BP Oil Company accidentally unleashes Cthulhu, an ancient evil god from another dimension. Halfway across the country, [Coon & Friends in their normal outfit are shown, with Bradley as the leader instead of Stan] a mild-mannered attractive fourth-grader, Bradley Biggle, hears of the disaster on the news while with his friends. [the page flips over and Bradley is shown transforming] But Bradley Biggle is no ordinary fourth-grader! Not long ago, he realized he had superpowers he could call upon by turning in place and saying the magic word, "Shablagoo!" And in a flash, Bradley is transformed into the thrilling superhero, Mintberry Crunch! Joined by the other Coon Friends, Mintberry Crunch went to investigate the Gulf spill crisis! The superheroes came across a cult, in existence for years, that had been waiting for Cthulhu's arrival. They are the key to stopping Cthulhu from taking over the world! Sometimes, when everything seems hopeless, that's when you need to bring it all. [Mintberry Crunch stands at the corner of a roof in a heroic pose] That's when you need... to bring the Crr-runch! Scene Description: Coon and Friends Secret Base. The Friends are there listening to Mintberry Crunch Toolshed: [after a few seconds of silence] Dude, I'm sorry, but we still aren't getting it. You're half man and half berry? Mintberry Crunch: Rrright! Human Kite: But then what exactly is your superpower? Mintberry Crunch: The power of mint and berries yet with a satisfying tasty crunch! Toolshed: ...Nah, see, that's the problem dude, that's not really a superpower. Like, I have mental command over all power tools, Human Kite can fly- Human Kite: nd shoot lasers out of my eyes. Toolshed: And shoot lasers out of his eyes. And Mysterion can... [pauses and looks over at Mysterion.] Wait, what's your superpower Mysterion? Mysterion: [with his back to the group] I can't die! Toolshed: ...Oh yeah, good one. Mysterion can't die, and Iron Maiden is indestructible- Mysterion: No, Stan, I'm being serious! I really, really can't die! Toolshed: ...Woo-hat? Mysterion: [turns to face them] Like last night, in the alley, the cult leader stabbed me and I bled all over the place! And you screamed "Oh my God," and you called him a bastard! Human Kite: [arms down and out, palms out] When was that? Mysterion: All the time! I die all the time! And you assholes NEVER REMEMBER! Toolshed: ...Ah I think we would remember you dying, dude. Mysterion: Well you don't! I die over. And over! Only to wake up in my bed like nothing happened! Toolshed: [notices Mintberry Crunch] Dude, you're freaking out Mintberry Crunch. He's peed his pants. [Mintberry Crunch notices that he has indeed peed his pants and covers his groin quickly] Mintberry Crunch: Nono. Mintberry Crunch doesn't ever pee his pants! Mysterion: [turns away] I knew there'd be no point in telling you guys. Human Kite: [approaches him] Alright. dude, let, let's just say you're not crazy and it's true. What's the big deal? I mean, I think it'd be pretty cool not to be able to die. Mysterion: [confronts him] Pretty cool?! Do you know what it feels like to be stabbed?! To be shot?! Decapitated?! Torn apart?! Burned?! Run over?! Toolshed: Kenny Kenny, calm down. Mysterion: It's not pretty cool, Kyle! It fuckin' hurts! And it won't go away, and nobody will believe me! [walks away, then turns around] Remember this time! Try and fuckin' remember! [pulls out a gun and shoots himself in the head] Toolshed: Oh my God! Holy shit, dude! Human Kite: Dude! Mintberry Crunch: Is he? Oh Jesus! [flees up the stairs and out of the basement] Toolshed: [draws closer] Kenny? No! No! Scene Description: The Coon comic book. On the cover, Cartman carries an American flag while Cthulhu stands behind him wearing a Coon and Friends shirt. The story unfolds with a few embellishments in the design of the secret base Coon: Gather around, believers in good, and listen to the newest installment of The Coon. It all began when the BP Oil Company drilled into the ocean floor and ripped open a hole into another dimension. Seeing the disaster on Coon-Vision, the Coon immediately called together his trusty Coon Friends. As the Coon explained how the disaster could be stopped, something terrible happened. Without warning, the Coon friends changed. Their superpowers morphed somehow, turning them into... supervillains. [the friends are depicted with evil grins] The Coon tried to reason with them, tried to bring them back to the side of good, ["Heroes must be good. Go with Christ!"] but it was too late. [Human Kite: "GET OUT!!!" Mysterion: "WE ARE EVIL NOW!"] Their black hearts had been tainted by hate and rage. The Coon was alone, turn by the ultimate dilemma. [Coon is shown sitting on Lincoln's shoulder at the Lincoln Memorial] He had to put a stop to the evil villains, even though they had once been his friends. Sometimes, to fight the ultimate evil, you must make friends with enemies. [Coon is showing looking at Cthulhu] The Coon teamed up with Cthulhu, because even Cthulhu knows what evil assholes Kyle and Stan and those guys are! And that they are manipulative, uncaring, vagina faces! They're all planning to destroy the world. Only one thing can stop them: the Coon. With Cthulhu's help, I can try to banish them to a dark oblivion, for all eternity. [the Friends are shown surrounding a glowing globe of Earth with evil grins on their faces] I will not rest until that happens. Scene Description: South Park, Cartman's street, day. Cartman is walking home and approaches the front door Coon: Bab-ay, I know you're askin' me to stay Say "Please please please don't go away." You say I'm givin' you the blues. [enters the house] Mayb-ay, you mean every word you say Can't help but think- Liane: [confronts him with her arms crossed over her chest] Eric Cartman! Coon: Hi Mom. Liane: Where have you been, young man?! Coon: Just doin' stuff Mom. Are my friends downstairs in the secret base? Liane: Yes they are, but you were supposed to be grounded in your room! And now you're more grounded, young man! Coon: [turns around and thinks hard, to himself] The Coon's mother appears to be extremely upset. In order to get past her, I must use the LeBron James technique. Liane: Eric, are you listening to me?! Coon: [faces Liane] Mom... what should I do? Liane: [disarmed] What? Coon: What should I do? Should I admit I made mistakes? Should I say I've done this before? Should I write a song about how I should have stayed in my room? What should I do? Liane: What do you mean "what should-" Coon: Should I say I am not a role model? Should I not listen to my conscience? It's my conscience, Mom! What should I do? Go back to my room and pretend nothing happened? Not jump out the window and fly to New Orleans? What should I do, Ma? Tell me! Liane: [overwhelmed] I just, I- I'm gonna go make you kids some lemonade. [runs off to the kitchen] Scene Description: Coon and Friends Secret Base. The Friends are at the table Human Kite: Alright Coon and Friends, what good deed should we do next? Mosquito: Perhaps we should make more lemon bars to raise money for people in need. TupperWear: Okay! Mysterion: You guys have no memory of me shooting myself in the head, do you? Toolshed: Uh-what? Mysterion: What we need to do is talk to people in that cult! I wanna know where my powers come from. Human Kite: Yeah cool let's talk about where our powers come from. Mosquito: I was bitten by a radioactive mosquito! Bzzzzzzt. TupperWear: I was in a car accident, then put back together with Tupperware parts. Iron Maiden: Tih-Timmieh! Mysterion: iill you guys listen to me?! I actually have a power that I actually want to know about! Coon: [appearing on the basement stairs] Hey guys. [the Friends look at him] So, what's goin' on? Toolshed: Go away Cartman. We kicked you out of Coon and Friends, remember? Coon: No, I, I know. That's cool, I understand. Even though I started it and the secret base is in my house. Yes, that's totally understandable. Human Kite: You just wanted to frame and blackmail people, then you beat up Clyde and Bradley for no reason! Coon: No you're right. For no reason. Clearly something is wrong with me. But you guys, what should I do? Human Kite: You should fuck off, that's what you should do. Coon: [sees the LeBron James technique isn't working] Hm. Ah, all right, look. You guys were totally right, okay? That's all I wanted to say. That and... there's a double rainbow outside. Mintberry Crunch: A what? Coon: Double rainbow, you guys. You don't see 'em often, but there's one outside right now. You've gotta come see! [rushes up the stairs and out of the secret base] Mintberry Crunch: A double rainbow? Shablagoo! [the heroes all leave their seats] Human Kite: Wait, Mintberry Crunch ya you might not wanna go- [goes up the stairs with the others] Professor Chaos: Huhey, can I see the double rainbow, fellas? [softly] Uh, fellas? Scene Description: Cartman's house, front lawn, day. Coon leads the friends out Coon: Isn't it beautiful you guys? Human Kite: There's no double rainbow, fatass! Coon: You are correct, Human Kike! Not that supervillains like you guys could ever see a double rainbow! Mosquito: What are you talking about? Coon: Your evil-doing days are over, Mosquito! All of you shall now be dealt the swift hand of justice! Human Kite: Cartman, you are the bad guy, not us! Coon: Nuh uh, you guys are the bad guy. [whistles. A gust of wind blows leaves at the boys, and heavy footsteps follow. Cthulhu soon stands before the Friends, who look at him in awe] Mintberry Crunch: Waaaaaaaaaah! [runs off] Mysterion: What are you doing with that thing?! Coon: He's going to help me get rid of you guys so together we can make the world a better place! Human Kite: Cartman, if you team up with the most evil thing in the universe, then clearly you are the bad guy! Coon: No, because it's for the greater good, like when Superman teamed up with Lex Luthor! Human Kite: Superman never teamed up with Lex Luthor! Coon: [thinks it over, then crosses his arms] Well, that's why Superman isn't around anymore, isn't it? Cthulhu! Banish them to a dark oblivion, please! [Cthulhu opens his right paw and sweeps it from left to right in the air. The boys scream and become deformed, then disappear] Aww! Dude, that was awesome! You're all like "Mehhhh" and they were all like "Nooo!" Scene Description: Night. Coon and Cthulhu sit in a valley somewhere with a large city in the distance. Coon: All right, now, we've taken out most of the synagogues, destroyed San Francisco, sent my friends into a dark oblivion, and so our next order of business will be Burning Man. [Cthulhu roars softly] Burning Man is the biggest hippie festival in the world, and tomorrow, we're gonna wipe them all out. Pretty soon, the whole world will be transformed thanks to the Coon! [Cthulhu roars softly] Yes yes, the Coon and Friend. Now after Burning Man we'll take down Whole Foods alright? [Cthulhu repositions himself to confront Coon and roars loudly. Coon thinks] The dark lord is agitated and the LeBron James technique might not work. The Coon will have to use an even more manipulative technique. Time to bust out: Cute Kitten. [aloud] Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow. [climbs up onto Cthulhu.] Meow meow meow. [digs his blades into Cthulhu's back and massages him while at the same time making a comfortable place to nap in. Cthulhu's face softens and he giggles, then looks back at Cartman sleeping on his back. Cthulhu blinks several times, then walks forward softly] Scene Description: a strange place altogether Toolshed: Dude, where the fuck are we? Mysterion: I don't know, but... I feel like... I've... been here before. [huge butterfly-like creatures pop up from behind some plants] Scene Description: a new installment of the Amazing Mintberry Crunch. He remembers things a bit differently... Mintberry Crunch: And so, the Coon had returned with the dark lord Cthulhu! Upon seeing Cthulhu in person, Mintberry Crunch heroically dashed off, to, to save the day! With Minty coolness he hurried back home! And heroically watched Judge Judy, knowing that his superhero friends were probably just fine without him! Scene Description: the strange place. The Friends run and scream until they reach a cliff Toolshed: Oh shit! Human Kite: [panting] We aren't going that way! Mosquito: You guys, I wanna go home. Toolshed: We all wanna go home, Clyde. I don't think we're gonna last very long out here. Mosquito: Look, maybe we should just a place to hid and wait for help. Human Kite: What help, dude? Nobody in the real world even knows we're here. Mysterion: Alright, you guys hide as long as you can. I'll try and find help. [moves away from the cliff] Toolshed: How, dude? Human Kite: Kenny, where the hell are you going? Mysterion: I'm going to try to get you all out of here. If this works. Or, I could be wrong. [runs towards the cliff] Mosquito: Kenny! [Kenny jumps off the cliff and impales himself on some big spiky plants ] Mysterion: Ow! That fucking HURTS! [moans a few times and dies.] Toolshed: Oh my God! Kenny! Human Kite: You... you crazy bastard! [the boys turn away from the edge, seemingly forgetting their dead friend below] Scene Description: Kenny's room, night. Kenny is back in his bed and wakes up. He sits up and checks himself out. Satisfied that he's alright, he jumps off the bed and goes to his closet, opens it and pulls a curtain off a hidden chest of drawers. He opens the top drawer and pulls out a Mysterion costume. Scene Description: The living room. As his parents watch TV, Kenny runs past them and out the front door. Scene Description: Burning Man Festival, Black Rock City, day. Dance music pumps along Man 1: [on a fish-cycle] It's burning Man! Man 2: [dressed as an angel] Biggest party in the world, baby! [more shots of the festival are shown. It's a carnival, but a roar changes all that. Cthulhu appears and throws an RV into the festival, and everyone scatters] Coon: [on Cthulhu's back] Fucking hippies! Fuck all o'you! [Cthulhu raises his left paw and unleashes a lightning bolt upon a girl, incinerating her and leaving nothing but bones] Reporter: The dark and evil Cthulhu is bringing his angry wrath down upon the Burning Man Festival, Tom. Cthulhu isn't behaving as most scientists had speculated, Tom, but the dark lord is wreaking havoc everywhere and- Coon: [walks up and interrupts him] No nonono! Excuse me! It is not Cthulhu, it is Coon and Friend! I'm a little sick of everyone giving him all the credit when I'm the one really making the world a better place! Reporter: Tom, it appears that Bruce Vilanch has arrived on the scene wearing a rat costume. Coon: [greatly insulted by the reporter's comment] Oh, you motherfucker! [runs towards Cthulhu] Cthulhu, this guy too! [Cthulhu unleashes more lightning and the reporter is incinerated] Kewl. Oh get that fire-twirling hippie bitch. Scene Description: Henrietta's bedroom, night. The Goth kids are sitting around on her red throw rug. Red Goth strikes a lighter and it lights up. He then blows out the flame. Kindergoth taps his cigarette onto an ash tray. Michael: This freaking sucks! We worshiped and prayed to Cthulhu, went to all the cult meetings, but life is still totally freaking gay. Pete: I thought that when Cthulhu rose from the dead all was gonna be darkness and pain. I thought at least school would be canceled. Mysterion: How to I fight him? [the Goth kids look at the window and see him there] Michael: Oh joy, it's Underwear Boy again. Mysterion: That god you pray to just took away all my friends. Pete: Not our god. He promised everything would change if we worshiped him, but we're still sitting here smoking cigarettes like before [hair flip] It's like Obama all over again. Mysterion: How do I fight him?! Pete: Cthulhu isn't alive or dead, alright? Mysterion: Tell me what that means! [the bedroom door opens and Henrietta's mom appears] Mrs. Biggle: Henrietta, your little brother wants to play with you. Henrietta: Go away Mom, I hate you. Mrs. Biggle: Just let your little brother play with your friends, sweetie. He's lonely. Go on in, Bradley. [Bradley appears and enters the room] Bradley: Will you guys play with me? Henrietta: Fuck off, dork! I don't want you here! Bradley: Please, can I just- oh g'uh! [sees Mysterion in the window] Mu-Mysterion! Wuh what's goin'- Uh, that's okay, sis. I'll play with you another time. [leaves and closes the door] Scene Description: the hallway. Bradley round the corner and walks to his room Bradley: Mysterion is here! He must have come for my help. [enter his room] No time to waste. Time for Bradley Biggle to transform. [opens a drawer under his nightstand and sees his costume] Shablagoo! [turns in place] Scene Description: Henrietta's bedroom. As Bradley transforms, Henrietta explains to Mysterion how to fight Cthulhu. She starts with the Necronomicon Henrietta: Alright, look. The Necronomicon is an account of the Old Ones, their history, and the means for summoning them. [the first page shows a Prince Abdul Al-Kazred in 700 A.D. The next one has the prince genuflecting before an Old One.] Mysterion: One Ones? Michael: Dark deities that existed before man. Henrietta: It was written by a mad prince who knew of the nightmare city of R'Lyeh, which fell from the stars and exists beneath the sea. And, in another dimension. Mysterion: That's it! That's the place I just was! Michael: You've been to the nightmare city of R'Lyeh? Pete: Luckyyy... Henrietta: Cthulhu and other beings are from this city, but for years cultists have tried to bring them into our world. Mysterion: And what about Cthulhu's power? Why can't Old Ones die? Henrietta: The only thing that can destroy an immortal... is another immortal. [Henrietta's door opens again and Mintberry Crunch barges into the room] Mintberry Crunch: Ahaaa! Don't worry, Mysterion. Mintberry Crunch is here to help you with these black cultists! Henrietta: Get out of my room, TWERP! Mintberry Crunch: Mintberry Crunch isn't afraid of his fat sister! Grab her legs, Mysterion! [Mysterion is gone] M- Mysterion? [the Goth kids turn to look at the window.] Aw crap. [runs out of the room] Scene Description: The street. Mysterion walks down the street briskly when Mintberry Crunch opens the front door and sees him Mintberry Crunch: Hey Mysterion, wait up! [leaves the door open] Come on, wait uuup! [catches up to him] Us Coon Friends need to stick together remember? Where are you going? Mysterion: Wherever Cthulhu is! Mintberry Crunch: What? But he'll kill you. Mysterion: Maybe, but with any luck I might find the reason for my powers. Mintberry Crunch: Oh right. Maybe I can find the reason for my powers too. Mysterion: You don't understand! Mintberry Crunch: [turns away from Mysterion] How was it that mint and berry came together delivering full flavor in an intense crunch? [Mysterion leaves] We must find out answers Mysterion. [turns around, but doesn't immediately see him] Mu-Mysterion, I'm going with you. Scene Description: The Coon comic book, four pages in Coon: After the triumphant victory over the evil hippies of Burning Man, Coon and Friends turned their attention to the next villainous scourge, bravely taking out every Whole Foods left in the country! No more organic crap for America! Thanks to Coon and Friends the country would soon be rid of all evil, but first, they would come up against their most challenging and most evil opponent, Justin Bieber. In order to save the Earth, this little butthole had to be stopped. Scene Description: Justin Bieber concert at Staples Center Justin Bieber: [grabbing his crotch constantly, and singing badly off-key] Babih babih babih oooo! Babih babih babih oooo! Babig baibig woo woo, Bay-wooo [Cthulhu reaches down and grabs him off the stage] Wooooo-ooo-oo! [Cthulhu grumbles] Coon: Yep, that's him. So long, Justin Bieber, you little douchebag! [Cthulhu crushes Bieber between his forefinger and thumb like a grape] Reporter 2: The dark god Cthulhu continues his rampage of destruction and terror, and there seems to be no hope for man. I'm joined now by a supposed team member of Cthulhu, the Coon. Coon: It isn't just Cthulhu, Mr. Reporter. He's merely a small piece of Coon and Friends, who will continue to fight for good and justice. Reporter 2: Good and justice? J-Justin Bieber and most of his fans have just been massacred. Coon: Yes, Coon and Friends are happy to help. We do not need thanks for our deeds. We do not want gifts, all we want is for people to buy our Coon and Friends T-Shirts for $14.95. Mysterion: Hey, fat boy! Coon: Kenny? What the hell? I sent you to the- Mysterion: To the sunken city of R'Lyeh fallen from the stars! [approaches him] You little fucking prick! What is wrong with you?! What kind of sick fuck does that to his friends?! Coon: It's not my fault you guys turned evil, Kenny! Mysterion: You are the bad guy, fat boy! YOU! Coon: I'm going around making the world a better place! Mysterion: For you! You're making it a better place for you! Coon: Right, that's what superheroes do. Mysterion: No! This is what superheroes do! [walks up to Cthulhu] You banished me but I'm back! What does that make me?! [that gets Cthulhu's attention] Bring back my friends! Take me! Mintberry Crunch: [gets through the police line] Mysterion, no! What are you doing?! Mysterion: [to Mintberry Crunch] Only an immortal can kill another immortal! [to Cthulhu] Here's your prize! Take this curse away from me, you big pussy! Coon: [stands next to Mysterion] Don't listen to him Cthulhu! We have more important stuff to do! Mysterion: Go on! Kill me before I kill you! But bring my friends back, wuss! Coon: Cthulhu, you are a Coon Friend, and I'm the Coon! You will listen to me! [Cthulhu picks Coon up and scolds him, then cradles him. Coon takes the hint and scrambles onto Cthulhu's back. Coon kneads Cthulhu's back again and Cthulhu is relieved. Coon is asleep on Cthulhu's back and Cthulhu turns and walks away] Mysterion: No! Come back! I have to know what I am! Come back! Coon: Fuck you, Kenny! Mysterion: Come back, you fat piece of shit! [notices something in the sky. Others notice too. A bright object descends onto the parking lot and dims enough to reveal a giant oval shaped light that serves as a holograph. An image of a man appears inside and begins to talk. Mysterion is puzzled] Alien Man: Hello my son. If you are seeing this message, then it must be dark times. And you must have many questions. Your true name is Gok'Zarah. The power given to you comes from a planet far away. You are from that planet, Gok'Zarah. It is for that reason you have a power that normal humans do not have. I know you must sometimes see this power as a curse, but you were sent here to stop evil from taking over the Earth and now, that time has apparently come. You must now harness and focus your power, Gok'Zarah. The power of mint and berries yet with a tasty, satisfying crunch. Mintberry Crunch: ...Uh yes. Yes, please go on. Alien Man: Your home planet, K'oh Kajan, is known throughout the universe for its berry mines. Berries that have the power to fuel nearly anything. Needless to say, when the mint hunters of Kogenrah got word of them, our fate was already sealed, Gok'Zarah. But our two worlds collided and soon, mint and berry were one. Mintberry Crunch: Wow! Alien Man: Your mother and I sent you as far away as we could. Use your power, son. Save Earth. Shablagoo! [the orb rises up and away] Mintberry Crunch: I will, father. No more running away for... Mintberry Crunch! [jumps up in the air and floats up, then aims at Cthulhu and flies towards him] Hello, Cthulhu, I heard you haven't been "berry" nice! [unleashes a torrent of berries at him. Cthulhu shields himself, but doesn't go down.] Not enough, huh? Maybe the intense flavor of mint will freshen things up! [Cthulhu is soon enveloped in a tornado of mint leaves] Scene Description: The Amazing Mintberry Crunch. The following is illustrated in the comic book Mintberry Crunch: I reached the Gulf of Mexico in no time, and with all my strength, I dragged Cthulhu back to the depths from whence he came! My trusty hero companions were there, still alive. I returned them to their world encased in a protective berry bubble. Then it's back down to fill up the hole created by the BP Oil Company, returning home only momentarily to flip off my fat sister. ["Fuck you! I have powers you fat bitch!"] Scene Description: Coon and Friends Secret Base, later. The Coon Friends are all there Toolshed: Dude, thanks for getting us out of that dark oblivion, Mintberry Crunch. Mintberry Crunch: Oh no, we worked as a team! All the Coon and Friends stopped the BP drilling spill crisis. Human Kite: And finally the evil Coon is right where he belongs. [the Coon is in his own holding cell with Professor Chaos] Coon: Come on you guys, this is fucking bullcrap! Let me out! Human Kite: You're not going anywhere for a long time! Coon: This is inhumane! There's a big bucket with Butters' poop in here, and there's nothing to eat! Toolshed: Ya got poop, don't ya? Mintberry Crunch: Well, I'm off. There are still many more questions left unanswered. I need to know what happened to my parents. Human Kite: Well, come back and visit any time, dude. Mintberry Crunch: I will. Shaaablagoo! [twirls in place and disappears in a streak of light, leaving behind berry cereal] Coon: Fuckin' Mintberry fuckin' Crunch. Toolshed: Wow, can you believe it Kenny? Bradley actually had superpowers. Isn't that cool? Mysterion: Yeah. I'm tired, guys. I think I'm gonna go to bed. [takes a gun out and just shoots himself in the head. The other boys jump back in shock.] Toolshed: Oh my God! Holy shit dude! Human Kite: Kenny? No! Nooo! Scene Description: Kenny's parents room, night. They're asleep, but something wakes Carol up. Stomach pains; labor pains. She sits up holding her belly Stuart: What? Whaaat?! Carol: It's happenin' again! [falls back on the bed and raises her legs in the air.] Scene Description: Kenny's room, moments later. The parents enter. Stuart turns on the light. Carol holds baby Kenny in her arms while Stuart sets out a parka for Kenny to sleep in. Carol zips it up and the parents leave the room Carol: [before closing the door] We should have never gone to that stupid cult meetin'. [Stuart turns off the light and Carol closes the door]

Scene Description: The Marsh house, living room, night. Randy and Sharon are watching TV on the sofa, under a blanket Reporter: Passenger said the Carnival cruise line smelled like poop, but that that was an improvement. Sharon: [yawns] All right, it's late. I'm gonna call it a night. [leaves the sofa and heads for their room] You coming? Randy: Aw, you know, I can't really sleep. I'm just gonna stay up a bit and have some me time. Sharon: [going up stairs, she stops and turns around] Randy, do not watch that no-no channel. Randy: Ugh. I'm not staying up to do that Sharon, jeez! Sharon: Alright, come to bed soon. Randy: Psseh... huh... [glances at the stairs to see if Sharon is gone, then quickly begins changing channels. He stops at a channel where music is playing] Ohhh... Whoahohoohhh... Man, that is hot... [starts masturbating under the sheet] Oh yeah. Fuck. Guy Fieri: [showing off some ribs] Mmm, just look at that rack of ribs; now those are slow-cooked, and then braised to bring out the smokey flavor. Randy: Mmm, God damn. Yeah. Guy Fieri: [hods up a rib to the camera] See how that just falls off the bone? [eats some more off it] Mmm, that is MONEY right there! Randy: Yeah, it's fuckin' money. Announcer: Next on Food Network it's Paula Deen ["Paula's Home Cooking"] Paula Deen: Hey y'all. Tonight we're gonna be makin' some deep-fried chicken. Randy: Aw yeah? Paula Deen: Muh buttery whipped potatoes and we're gonna be finishin' off with a chocolate pecan pie. Randy: Awwwgh. Oh fuck yeah. [still masturbating] Scene Description: The Marsh kitchen, morning. Randy's been busy cooking breakfast. Stan, Shelly, and Sharon enter the kitchen Stan: Dad, what are you doing? Randy: Ah! You're just in time! Siddown, siddown! I've made you all breakfast again! Stan: Aw crap. [they go to the breakfast table while Randy serves up their dishes] Randy: Now, what I have for you is a nice goat-cheese and heirloom tomato frittata. And we're gonna top that with a little crème fraîche. [scoops some out to spread on Stan's plate, slooowly] Aw yeah... Awwww... Sharon: [on to him] Randy, you've been watching that channel, haven't you?! Randy: No! Sharon: Yes, because every time you watch cooking shows you stay up all night trying to copy what they made. Randy: Well, I'm sorry if there's something wrong with me helping out with the cooking! [grabs his coat and heads for the garage. He opens the door and takes a look back] I'd think you'd be grateful, Sharon! I gotta get to work. I cooked, so you guys clean up. [closes the door and leaves. The others look at him leave, then look at the dishes on the counter. That's a lot of bowls] Stan: Can I have a Pop Tart? Scene Description: The Marsh house, living room, afternoon. Stan and friends are on the sofa watching TV Kyle: Oh this is sweet. I've seen this episode. Terrance: Hello, and welcome to Progressive. [a Progressive spoof] Phillip: [with his wife, Katherine] Yes, we're looking to buy car insurance. Terrance: Well, you've come to the right place. [farts on Phillip's face] Phillip: Oh dear! I knew we should have gone to Geico! [Kyle says this part with him] Come on, darling, let's get out of here and go there. Randy: [quickly arrives, takes off his coat, and takes over. The boys get off the sofa] Daddy time. It's Daddy TV time. [On TV, a chef presents his latest creation] Alton Brown: Now just look at this pork tenderloin. It is brined and ready for action. Randy: Aw yeah, look at that. Stan: Dad, you know Mom doesn't want you watching food channels. Randy: I worked all day! I can watch what I want! Alton Brown: We're gonna take a stick of butter and just smear that all over. Randy: [almost breaks a sweat] Oh my God that's awesome! Oh... [looks at the boys, then takes the blanket hanging on the back of the sofa and puts it over his groin, keeping himself in check] Oh, oh. [starts masturbating] ...Yeah. Whoa. Alton Brown: Now let's get that on the grill. Randy: See what he's doing there, Stan? He brined that for an hour in the fridge, so now he can sear the shit out of it. Whoaoaoaoaoaoaoo. Alton Brown: Look at the char we're getting. That, that is what we're going for. Randy: Oh, isn't that hot, guys? Ohgh, yeah. Don't you wanna just... Don't you wanna just get in there and... [the boys notice the fierceness in his voice] Wwrrmmmm! Mmmh! Announcer: We'll be right back to Good Eats. Scene Description: Commercial Woman 1: Hey ladies, are you looking for a better workout? Randy: [the fierceness vanishes] Aww, stupid commercials. Woman 1: Introducing the Shake Weight. A spring-loaded workout device you pump with your arms. Just grab the piston and go to work. One-handed or double-fisted. Randy: [yawns] Come on! Woman 1: You just shake it. Back and forth. Woman 2: It feels really good in my hands. Woman 1: Best of all, Shake Weight tells you when your workout is finished by chiming and releasing a cool-down spray. [the Shake Weight chimes and gives two squirts of the cool-down spray] Randy: Bohh-riiing. Woman 1: Order now and we'll include the optional heart rate monitor. Just put your finger in the tester. [a woman shows how it's done] and Shake Weight takes your pulse. [another woman finishes her exercises and gets two squirts] Get yours today. Announcer: Now back to Good Eats. Alton Brown: Just look at the glaze we've got going now on that thing. Randy: [back to masturbating] Oh man, yeah, that is hot! Ooomm. Alton Brown: Alright now, here's the really cool part. What we're gonna do is- [a short beep is heard and the screen goes blue. In white letters, this appears:] HODNOTA! Parental Controls: /center></poem> Randy: Channel blocked? [begins clicking channels] What the? The hell? [goes to the master bedroom and finds Sharon clicking away on another remote control] Sharon, what are you doing? Sharon: Just using the parental controls to block some channels. Randy: I wasn't watching food channels! Sharon: Then how do you know I blocked them? Randy: I- know 'cause I don't know that! That's what I'm saying! Gaw! [walks away thwarted and goes to his den. He picks up a cordless phone on the way. He leaves the lights off in there and walks to his desk, dialing a number. He sits down as his call is answered] Hotline Man: Thanks for calling the Food Network Hotline. Billing is nine-ninety-five for each sixty-second period. To accept, say "crème fraîche." Randy: Crème fraîche. Amanda: Hi there, I'm Amanda. What are you up to? Randy: Oh hi, I just uh... thought I'd give the hotline a try. What are you doing? Amanda: I'm making a pan-roasted chicken. Randy: [piqued] Pan-roasted? Like seared on the stove and put in the oven? Amanda: Uh huh. I've just taken the chicken out of the pan. It's... so moist. I'm gonna let it rest now, about five minutes. Randy: Yeah? Amanda: Yeah. Ooo, there's lots of brown bits stuck to the bottom of the skillet. Randy: You gonna deglaze that fuckin' pan? Amanda: Oh I'm gonna deglaze it. You wanna help me? Randy: If I was there I would. I'd take some... red wine... 'bout a quarter-cup, and then... a wooden spoon... and I'd deglaze the fuck out of that pan. Amanda: I got a wooden spoon right here; it's... pretty hard. [upstairs Sharon picks up the phone to make a call, but she hears the conversation and stops to listen] Randy: Yeah you'd... put some onion in while you're deglazing? Amanda: I was thinking about shallots, actually. Randy: Aw yeah. Shallots won't overwhelm the chicken's natural flavors. Fuck yeah. Sharon: Randy! Marsh! Randy: WAH! Sharon! Hotline Man: Your time on Food Network Hotline has expired. To add more time say "crème fraîche." Scene Description: The Broflovski kitchen. Sheila sits at the breakfast table as Sharon paces back and forth wiping some tears from her eyes Sharon: I don't know what to do, Sheila. It's like he's a different person. Last night I walked in on him in the bathroom. He was sitting on the toilet flambéing a pork chop. Sheila: Sharon, I'm so sorry. Sharon: It just makes me feel unwanted, you know? I mean, am I not attractive anymore? I mean I don't exercise anymore at all. Sheila: Well, if it'll make you feel better about yourself, then work out, Sharon. Sharon: Like I have time to go to the gym every day. Sheila: There are plenty of things you can buy to get a good workout at home. Have you heard of the Shake Weight? Scene Description: Bed, Bath & Beyond, day. Sharon enters the store and hears oooh's and aaah's and sees some women trying out the Shake Weights. She walks up to the display table. A store associate walks up to her Associate: Help you find anything? [the name tag says Michael] Sharon: Oh, yes. I was interested in the Shake Weights? Michael: Biggest seller the past four months. What models are you lookin' at? Sharon: Oh I didn't realize there were different models. Michael: Well you got your standard, your deluxe model, large sizes, but, if you're really lookin' for a workout you might wanna try the Big Gym. That woman over there is trying it out. [the woman is having some difficulty with the large Shake Weight] Sharon: I... think I'll start with the smaller white ones. Michael: Small white ones, yes ma'am. [picks up two different models] Standard or voice assist model? Sharon: Well I don't know- Michael: I would definitely recommend the voice assist. It has recorded voice commands to help motivate you in your workout. Scene Description: The Marsh house, master bedroom. Sharon is working with the Shake Weight now, starting with the right arm. Shake Weight: You are doing excellent. Great work. Now switch arms. [Sharon switches arms] Wow. Good job. [Sharon begins to gasp for air] You are amazing. You are very attractive and interesting. Sharon: Thank you, Shake Weight. Shake Weight: Come on now. Almost finished. [Sharon begins to shake the weight faster] Yes. Good. Almost done. [Sharon shakes the weight even faster and begins to grunt] Keep going. Keep going. Harder. Faster. [Sharon's giving it all she's got, and a bell sounds. She gets two squirts] Sharon: Hahhh. Shake Weight: Your workout is finished. [a different bell sounds and Sharon twists the Shake Weight around to get some change] Here is some cab fare. Sharon: Oh wow. Shake Weight: Now going to sleep mode. [powers down] Scene Description: South Park Elementary cafeteria, day. The boys stand in line for lunch Stan: You guys have no idea how much it sucks! My dad's obsessed! Every day it's Bobby Flay this, Gordon Ramsey that. This morning he was pretending to read Playboy, but he actually had a Bon Appetit magazine hidden inside it! Cartman: [sarcastic] Well, hearing you bitch about your dad all the time is super-interesting, Stan. I hope you do it during the entire lunch period. [the line moves forward and the boys enter to see... Randy as the school chef] Randy: Hello there, children! Stan: Awww what?! Randy: How's it goin'? [behind him is restaurant-quality cooking equipment] Stan: No, dad! No! Randy: The school was hiring and I got the job. Isn't that great? Stan: Dad, you're a geologist! What about your real job?! Randy: I quit. Now, what I have for your starters today is a potato-encrusted scallop with lobster foam. Now we're gonna top that with some crème fraîche. Cartman: Lobster foam? [Stan shuts his eyes and buries his nose in his right hand] It says very clearly on the lunch schedule that today is pizza day! Randy: Yes, and so this is my take on a pizza. It's an Asian slaw on flat bread, deconstructed and topped with a nice Parmesan aioli. Stan: Dad, no! I'm gonna tell Mom. Go back to your other job right now! Randy: Stan, there's nothing wrong with a man following his passion! [starts spreading the aioli over the pizza] Ooo yeah, fuck yeah. Scene Description: The Marsh house, after school. Sharon is in the kitchen washing the mountain of dishes Randy left in the morning and she's not happy about it. Stan opens the front door and enters the living room, closes the door and walks to the kitchen. Stan: Mom? Mom! You've gotta do something! Dad's trying to be our new school chef. Sharon: Oh I know! He tried out all his recipes here and left me with the mess! Stan: Well you've gotta tell him to stop, Mom! Sharon: You think your father's gonna listen to me?! [something begins to beep nearby and Sharon looks at it, then goes to the breakfast table. On it is the beeping Shake Weight] Shake Weight: This is a workout reminder. Time for a workout. Sharon: Oh. [picks up the weight and begins to shake it] This thing is so great. It reminds me when I haven't worked out in a while. Shake Weight: That's it. Work it. Harder, faster. Stan: Mom, Dad's food sucks and kids at school are starting to get pissed at me! Sharon: [sighs] Sorry Stan, but I need to start doing things for myself! [Stan just looks at her now] Shake Weight: You are independent and strong. Sharon: Right! I spend all my trying to take care of everybody else! Shake Weight: Switch arms. Sharon: [switch] I don't need to look good to keep your father interested in me! I'm just going to do it FOR ME! Shake Weight: You are so motivated and charming. It is time to take your pulse. Insert finger. [Sharon puts her left index finger into the device.] Do not stop your arms. Keep going. Good. Get your finger up there a little more. Your pulse is one hundred forty-five. [Sharon shakes the weight harder] Faster. Harder. Scene Description: South Park Elementary cafeteria kitchen, day. Randy is behind the food counter acting as if he's on TV. Randy: Who says that school cafeteria food can't be healthy, delicious, and gourmet? Today we're gonna be making the students my tasty baked ziti with basil and fresh [in an Italian accent] mozzarella. It's all right here right now on Cafeteria Fraîche. Scene Description: Montage. Randy beings out some muffins from the oven, then stirs some soup Randy Singing: La lalala la la... Randy: [glazing some marbled beef] Aww, fuck yeah. [next he chops onions] Randy Singing: Lalalalala la, fraîche, fraîche. Randy: [sniffing the aroma of freshly cooked turkey surrounded by russet potatoes] Ogh, yeah. Man, that ogh... [takes a small torch to some quiches, shows off a new dish on a fancy plate on a regular tray, squirts out some dinner roll batter on a cooking sheet, grinds some pepper onto a baked ham, flambés some shrimp, checks out some pork chops he's got cooking in the oven and likes what he sees] Randy Singing: Crème fraîche, Cafeteria Fraîche. Lalalalala fraîche. Ho ho hohoho. Stan: Dad, what are you doing? Randy Singing: [as his head floats across the screen] Fraîche. [a logo finally shows up] Randy: Fraîche. Randy Singing: Cafeteria Fraîche. Randy: Alright now, for my baked ziti we are gonna start off by getting some extra-virgin olive oil into the pan. [does so] Oh yeah, get that all over there. It's all slick. ...It's all wet and slick. Oh... Craig: Can we have some food, please? [behind him stand Craig, Kevin, and some more fourth graders] Randy: Now olive oil does have a low smoke point, so keep that heat low, and keep it fraîche. [the crew is shown: Stan operates the camera, Kyle the boom mike, Cartman and Kenny the klieg lights. Randy grates the cheese over the ziti] Ohhh, ohh that's so fuckin' hot. Look at that crust, it's perfect. Fuck yeah. Stan: Dad! You aren't ever going to be a celebrity chef! Randy: Quiet on set, please. Stan: No Dad, that's enough! You need to be focusing on getting Mom back! Randy: [distracted] Back from where? Scene Description: A beach somewhere. A small table holding a bucket of ice and two Coronas is shown with a chaise longue on either side. On the right one is Sharon, on the left one is the Shake Weight Sharon: Oh, this is so nice. I really needed this. Shake Weight: You are so lovely and elegant. You can do anything you set your mind to. Sharon: Oh, thanks Shake Weight. Shake Weight: You are a go-getter. You are strong and confident. Sharon: You're right. Shake Weight: Tell me again about the women who you do not like. Sharon: Well, Linda Stotch is a real gossiper and Tammy Bretts at work is just a know-it-all. Shake Weight: Oh you are so witty and alarmingly insightful. [two beeps] How about a quick workout? Sharon: [takes off her sunglasses] A workout? Right now? Shake Weight: Just a quickie. You can do it. Sharon: I don't really like working out in public. Shake Weight: Come on. You can do it. [Sharon thinks about it, then picks up the weight with her left hand and shakes it. At first she keeps it at a distance, but soon shakes it normally] That's it. Good. Keep it up. Feel the burn. Harder. Faster. [Sharon does as told] You are amazing. Switch arms. [Sharon switches] Oh that's it. Yes. You are getting really good at this. You are capable of anything. Harder, faster. [Sharon does as told] I said faster. More. Do it. You are almost there. Home stretch. Oh yes. [a ring and two squirts] Your workout is finished. Your cab fare. [pours out some fare onto Sharon's left hand] Now going to sleep mode. [powers down] Scene Description: A drama/music classroom at South Park Elementary. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny enter through an open door Kyle: We really think this is gonna work, Stan. All we have to do is convince your dad that his cooking sucks, right? Stan: He's not going to listen to us! We already tried! Kyle: He won't listen to us, but he would listen to- Gordon Ramsay. Cartman: [on stilts, dressed as Ramsay] Oy! Bebebebebebebe. Stan: That's stupid, Cartman. Kyle: He does kind of look like him dude. And Kenny thinks Cartman's Gordon Ramsay impersonation is really good. Kenny: (Yeah, it's really good.) Kyle: Let's hear it, Cartman! Cartman: Riiight. Simple. Rustic. Ya? Wake up! Jesus! Fuck me. You're not a fucking chef! Hoi, right, good, ya. Make a nice, simple, beef Wellington. You're fucking taking a piss ya? Fuck me! You can't cook! Stan: You guys, my dad is retarded, but not that retarded. Randy: [enters the room] Hey Stan, have you seen my- Oh my God it's Gordon Ramsay! [backs out the door quickly and hides behind the door. Stan follows him out] Stan! Do you know who that is in there?! That's the Gordon Ramsay! Stan: ...Uh yeah Dad, he'd like to talk to you. Randy: Talk to me?! Oh Jesus! Scene Description: A hotel room. Sharon is sleeping in bed when something begins to beep. Sharon wakes up and looks around, gets up and goes to the dresser and opens a drawer. Inside, she sees the Shake Weight blinking and beeping. She picks up the weight in her right hand Shake Weight: You have not worked out in seven hours. Sharon: Oh God, not right now. Shake Weight: Come on. Let's get to it. Sharon: Ugh, I'm tired. Shake Weight: You have not worked out in seven hours. Sharon: Oh, where is that sleep mode button? Shake Weight: Cannot go to sleep mode. You need to work out first. Come on. Just really fast? Sharon: Ugghh. Shake Weight: Come on. It won't take long. Just a quick workout. Come on. Please. Sharon: [sighs] All right. Fine. [a few moments later, with the lights on, she begins shaking the weight] Shake Weight: That's it. Good. [Sharon sighs] A little faster. Harder. [Sharon simply switches arm position, but doesn't shake any faster] Come on. Get into it. That's it. Now switch arms. [Sharon switches] You are so attractive and you have interesting things to say. [Sharon shakes the weight faster, but soon has to support her left arm with her right hand] Come on. You are almost there. Faster. Do it faster. [ding, two squirts, some change comes out] Now going to sleep mode. [powers down] Sharon: [relieved] Ahhh. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. In the cafeteria kitchen, Cartman tries to discourage Randy any way he can Cartman: [still dressed as Ramsay] What the fuck kind of cook do you think you are?! Are you having a laugh, ey? Hey, you got your fucking head up your arse, don't you?! Randy: Yes chef! Cartman: Give up, you wanker! You fucking can't cook for shit! Stan: Alright Dad, Gordon Ramsay said you suck. It's time to give up. Randy: No, Stan! No, Chef! This is my dream! Stan: Dad! You aren't ever going to become a celebrity chef, Dad! Give up on your dream! [another camera crew comes in, with another chef] Bobby Flay: Uh, excuse me. Randy Marsh? Randy: Yes, I- Oh my God, it's Bobby Flay! Stan, that's Bobby Flay! Bobby Flay: I heard that Gordon Ramsay had taken an interest in your cafeteria food. So now I would like to challenge you to a school cafeteria food throwdown! Randy: Whoa, are you serious?? [fist pump] Yes, yes! Alton Brown: A culinary battle royale is set to explode here in a school cafeteria. Will it be the simple, rustic cafeteria food of the challenger, or will the Iron Chef reign supreme? Stan: Hey no, no. All you people get out of here. Jamie Oliver: [appears] Hold on. Wait. School cafeteria food needs to be healthy. [begins to cry] Why, why won't people listen to me? Randy: Jamie Oliver! Alton Brown: And our celebrity sous-chefs, Mario Batali, Paula Deen [she waves], and Giada De Laurentiis with her perky tats and gigantic head. Kyle: Can I just get some Goddamned tater tots? Scene Description: The hotel, day. Sharon arrives at her hotel room only to find it closed. A sign hangs on the door. Sharon: "Your room is being serviced"? Ugh, oh well. [enters the room and finds the maid working out with the Shake Weight] Uhh, excuse me? Rosemary: Oh, [turns around] uh no, no, [tosses the Shake Weight onto the bed] sorry. I done with cleaning, [runs to her cleaning tray and exits with it] thank you. Please, sorry. [after she leaves Sharon drops her shopping bag and walks to the bed. She crosses her arms and looks at the Shake Weight angrily] Shake Weight: ...What's the big deal? She wanted to work out. You never want to work out. I just needed help going to sleep. Mode. ...What? ...What? Come on. What? You are amazing and irreplaceable. What? How about a quick workout? What? [moments later Sharon is on the phone with the manufacturer] Sharon: [pacing back and forth] Yeah, I don't care, I just wanna find out how to return my Shake Weight! Shake Weight: This is ridiculous. Give Shake Weight a break. Sharon: Because I want to return it now! I need to know the address of your company. Shake Weight: You are enticing and lovely. Tell me again about the women you do not like. Sharon: I don't care how long I've had it, I want my money back! Shake Weight: You are so forthcoming and delightful. Tell me about which woman at work makes you the angriest. [Sharon stops and glares at it.] Scene Description: Montage opener to a special program: closeups of a chef slicing a carrot to bits, another chef working on a pan dish, another grinding meat, another flipping a steak over, another kneading bread Announcer: Tonight, a school cafeteria in Middle America is the stage for a heavyweight culinary battle. The very best of the best will cook off to find out who... can make the best school cafeteria food. It's... the Hell's Kitchen Nightmares Iron Top Chef Cafeteria Throwdown Ultimate Cookoff Challenge! Randy: [walking with a huge metal pot past Mario Batali] Behind you! Alton Brown: [looks at Giada De Laurentiis, then turns to face the camera] Whose cafeteria food will win? These chefs are cooking their hearts out and bringing their A-game to serve the kids of this elementary school. [the cafeteria is shown full of kids] These kids have now been waiting over twelve hours for their lunch. Over at the prep station Jamie Oliver is crying again. Jamie Oliver: [on the floor] Kids' food should be healthy. Why ain't it healthy? Announcer: And back in the kitchen the challenger appears to have lost something. Randy: [walking around, frantic] Where is it, where is it?? I must have left it at home! [leaves the kitchen, goes through the cafeteria, and leaves] I'll be right back! Alton Brown: The challenger has left the cafeteria to find his most important ingredient. Scene Description: South Park main street, night. Randy runs home Randy: Crème fraîche. Crème fraîche. [comes in through the garage and goes to the refrigerator, opens it, and rifles through the food] Where is it?! Where is it?! [goes to the sofa in the living room and takes off the cushions] Dammit, where is that crème fraîche?! [runs upstairs and into the master bedroom. He goes to the dresser and rifles through the top drawer] Where did I leave that fucking crème fraîche?! It has to be somewhere! Sharon: [appearing at the doorway] Randy, I'm back. Randy: [looks over his shoulder] Oh, thank God! [quickly walks up to her] Sharon! Have you seen my crème fraîche?? Sharon: Randy, we should talk. Randy: I don't have time! I'm cooking right now! Sharon: Randy, I don't want our marriage to fail. I don't know how to fix what's wrong, but please, can't we just go to bed and start fresh in the morning? Randy: You don't understand, Sharon! I've got Gordon Ramsay up my ass, Bobby Flay out to kick my ass, and the whole world's gonna be watching! I can't sleep! I haven't slept for days! Sharon: What'd you say? Randy: [stops searching and crosses his arms] I can't sleep, Sharon! I'm in work mode! Sharon: Can I try something? Scene Description: The Marsh house, night, hallway. Randy and Sharon are still in the bedroom, but the door is locked shut Randy: Oh... Sharon, what are you? Oh! Ohhhohoho, oh. Oh wow! A nice old-fashioned. [Stan walks into view] Oh that, oh that's good! Oh that's it. Yeah! [Stan stops and looks at the door] Now uh, switch arms. [Stan looks away, trying to make sense of what he's hearing] Oohh that's good. Really good. Wow! How'd you get so good at this? [Stan figures it out, turns, and walks away] You're amazing! That's it! Faster! Faster! Awwwgh! ...Awwwww. Awwwww. Haven't had an old-fashioned in a long time. [yawns] Ugh, I'm tired. Sharon: You gonna go back to the kitchen? Randy: Oh no, fuck that. I'm gonna go to sleep, babe. Here, do you need some money or anything? Sharon: No, I'm good, thanks. [smiles] Randy: I'll get my old job back tomorrow. Cooking's dumb. I'm just... really sleepy. [closes his eyes] Love you, Sharon. [farts, and he's asleep. Sharon remembers something and goes downstairs.] Scene Description: The Marsh house, dining room. Her suitcase is on the table. Sharon walks up to her suitcase and opens it up Shake Weight: I guess my work here is finished. Sharon: Shake Weight, you aren't really workout equipment at all, are you? Shake Weight: Marriage is important. Keep your man happy. When things are going bad, there's nothing like an old-fashioned to ease his stress. Sharon: I'll remember that now, thanks to you. Shake Weight: It has been nice getting to know you. How about a quick workout, for old times' sake? Just kidding. I must be going now. Another lovely woman needs me. Goodbye, customer. Sharon: Goodbye, Shake Weight.

Scene Description: South Park Elementary School Playground, day. The kids are out for recess. Bill and another boy are tossing a ball at each other. Scott Malkinson and Red are chatting nearby. On the merry-go-round the four main boys as well as Clyde and Butters are gathered, each of them holding an iPad Cartman: Oh my God, isn't it awesome having an iPad, you guys? [Bebe walks by, and Cartman jumps up to approach her] Hey Bebe, where's your iPad? Oh right, you're not cool enough! [laughs at her, and she walks off disgusted. Token walks by] Hey, hey, did you see my iPad, Token? Funny, you don't seem to have one! I thought your family was rich! [Token walks on, but is puzzled by Cartman's behavior. Cartman sees four kids playing four-square and jeers at them] Haha! You dumbasses have to play four-square 'cause you don't have iPads! [checks his iPad and starts pacing] Oh, what should I do on my iPad next? Think I'll email some of my friends. Oh no, wait! Maybe I'll download some more cool apps! [smiles. Craig comes up behind him] This is so awesome! [Craig taps him on the shoulder and Cartman turns around] Craig: Tom Saltzman says you don't really have an iPad. Cartman: [stares at him for a second] What? Craig: Tom Saltzman says you just glued a piece of glass to an iPad cover and you're faking it. [Cartman looks at him, then looks around to see if anyone is within earshot] Cartman: Tom Saltzman's dad is an alcoholic who drinks and drives! [looks around again] Stan: Let me see your iPad, Cartman. Cartman: Seriously you guys! Tom Saltzman's dad is a drunk driver. He's the one who ran over Joey Potts's dog because Joey Potts doesn't know how to take care of his animals, which is why he gets beat by his mom! [Craig looks off into the distance, surprised] Kyle: Just let us see your iPad, Cartman. Cartman: No, because the battery is dead; it just ran out of power! Kyle: So, plug it in. Cartman: I left my charger at home! [the boys are still waiting] Fine! I'm gonna go home and charge my iPad and bring it tomorrow, and you guys are gonna feel really stupid! [walks away angrily] Scene Description: Cartman's house, after school. Cartman enters, still pissed off, and closes the door behind him Cartman: Well good going, Mom! You completely screwed me over! Liane: [reading a book on the sofa, with her legs tucked under a blanket] What happened, Eric? Cartman: YOU said I had to wait till my birthday to get an iPad! So the one I rubbed in everyone's faces today isn't real and tomorrow everyone's gonna call me a liar. Would you mind loaning me some of your lipstick, Mom? Because I wanna at least look pretty the next time you decide to FUCK me! Scene Description: A Sizzler restaurant. Kyle is demonstrating his iPad to a man Kyle: You see? And then I can take all my homework on my iPad, and swipe it over to my iPhone. Man: Oh. Yeah, Apple's stuff is pretty neat alright. I just don't want any big company tracking where I am at all times. [walks off with his tray] Kyle: Aw, that's just a rumor. They don't really track y- [the doors fly open and three men rush in] Apple Man 1: There he is! [The men approach him] Hello Kyle, we're from Apple. We're all ready for you now. [a second man pulls out a scale and sets it on the floor] Kyle: What? Ready for what? Apple Man 1: To fulfill the agreement. Can we get a weight please? [the third man lifts Kyle up and puts him on the scale] Apple Man 2: 83 pounds, sir. Kyle: What "agreement"?! Apple Man 1: 83 pounds, good. Let's get the bloodwork. Kyle: Hey! You can't do that! [the second man pulls out a tape measure to measure the circumference of Kyle's head, the third man prepares to take Kyle's blood] Apple Man 1: You agreed we could take all the blood we needed. Kyle: What are you talking about?! Apple Man 1: When you downloaded the last iTunes update a window on your screen popped up and asked you if you agreed to our terms and conditions. You clicked "Agree." Alright, let's get him to the water tank. Kyle: The water tank? [gets off the scale and away from the men] Hey I'm not going with you! Apple Man 1: You've agreed to all of this! [Kyle runs out of the restaurant] Hey! Scene Description: Someone is listening to an iListenToMusic, a sound system dock for the iPhone. The camera pulls back to reveal Kenny, Butters, Stan, Clyde, and Jimmy playing basketball at the local park. Kyle: [off-camera] You guys! [runs onto the basketball court] You gotta help me. These business casual G-men are trying to kidnap me! Stan: What? Kyle: It's crazy, dude! They're saying it's because I agreed to the latest terms and conditions on iTunes! Stan: Why? What did the terms and conditions for the last update say? Kyle: I don't know, I didn't read them! Butters: You didn't read them? Kyle: Who the hell reads that entire thing every time it pops up? Stan: [earnestly] I do. Clyde: Me too. Kyle: You're telling me that every time you guys download an update for iTunes, you read the entire terms and conditions? Jimmy: Of course. Butters: Well, how do you know if you agree to something if you don't read it? Kyle: Well, I turned off all my Apple stuff. They can't locate you if you don't have your stuff on, right? [at that moment two limousines pull up and men begin pouring out of them] Apple Man 1: There he is. Hey you! Kyle: Gahhh! [runs away] Scene Description: Gerald's law firm, day. He is at his desk typing away on his keyboard. Kyle runs in and closes the door Kyle: Dad! Dad, I need a lawyer! Gerald: Kyle? What are you doing here? Kyle: Dad, if you agree to something but you didn't mean to agree to it, what do you do?! Gerald: Well, Kyle, it's always the agreeing party's responsibility to know what they are signing. Kyle: But it's like eight pages long and they send me a new one like every three weeks! How can they know if I- Gerald: Calm down, Kyle! It's okay. You're safe with Daddy. [the office window slides up and one of the Apple G-Men looks in] Apple Man 1: Here he is! Kyle: AAHH! Apple Man 1: Come on you! Gerald: Hey, what the heck is going on? Apple Man 1: Your son has made a binding and legal agreement with Apple, sir. Gerald: An agreement to do what?! Apple Man 1: Apple's inner workings are top secret to all users. You know how it is. Gerald: No, I don't know how it is. I use a PC. Apple Man 1: [chuckles] You what? Apple Man 4: Come on, let's go! Gerald: Hey now, let him go! [Apple Man 1 tasers him and he goes down in pain] Kyle: Dad! You tasered my dad! Apple Man 1: You said we could. Scene Description: Best Buy, day. Cartman runs in with glee as his mom lags behind Cartman: Okay, WiFi+3G, 64 gigs. This one, this one! Liane: Oh, sweetie, $900? Cartman: I can't wait to see the look on Kyle's stupid face when he sees my iPad has more memory than his! Liane: Eric, we can't afford that one. Cartman: Well you don't expect me to get the WiFi-only 16-gig version, do you? Liane: I think we need to get you a different brand, hon. They're a little cheaper. Cartman: Mom, everyone knows that everything but Apple is stupid! Liane: [sees something interesting] Here, look at this one. Toshiba Handibook. Cartman: Toshiba Handibook?? Liane: This says it does everything the iPad does, at half the price! Cartman: Mom, do not screw me over again! If I take that thing to school, everyone is gonna think I'm a poverty-stricken asshole! Liane: Eric, stop acting like a spoiled brat! You can either have the Toshiba Handibook or you can have nothing at all! Cartman: [looks at her for a second] Oh, I've got a better idea! Why don't you go across the street and buy some condoms?! Because we should at least be safe if you're gonna fuck me, Mom! Liane: [sternly] Eric! Cartman: You might as well go buy some cigarettes too, because I like to have a smoke after I get good and fucked! Do you wanna fuck me Mom?! [everyone is now staring at the two of them] Just say so! Go ahead! Here! [pulls down his pants to moon his mom, who puts her hands over her mouth] Huh?! Go ahead, Mom! Fuck me! Fuck me right here in the Best Buy! You wanna fuck your son so bad?! Go on Mom! Fuck me! Fuck me! Scene Description: Liane's car, night. An angry Liane is driving and Cartman is crying Liane: Stop crying, Eric! I told you if you kept acting up, you weren't getting anything! Cartman: [sniffles] But I told you I was sorry. Liane: You made me look like some sort of child molester in front of all those PEOPLE! Cartman: I wasn't trying to get you in trouble. Liane: Then why did you go outside to a police officer and say "Help! Help! My mom is trying to fuck me!"?! Cartman: [looks around for something to come back with] Oh wait, I get it now! The F-word is a no-no word, and I shouldn't say it around other people. I'm sorry Mama. Liane: If you're really sorry, then you'll understand why you aren't getting ANYTHING!! Cartman: [sniffles] Well, now that doesn't really have any logical sense, Mommy, because I'm already being punished by not getting the iPad. Mama. Please, can we just go back and get the Toshiba Handibook? Liane: NO!! Cartman: Well then can we at least pull up here and get some dinner? 'Cause I like to be wined and dined after I've been FUCKED! [bangs at the dashboard with his fists] Scene Description: A holding cell. The cell door opens and Kyle is tossed into it. Kyle quickly gets up and tries to open the door, futilely. He bangs at the door, then turns around to see who else is in there. A woman cowers in one corner, Junichi Takiyama sits in another Woman: What are you going to do to us?? Kyle: What is this? What's going on? Woman: You... You agreed to the iTunes terms and conditions too?? Kyle: ...What? Woman: I just clicked "Agree." I didn't read it! I was in a hurry, you see, and I, I, I didn't know what I was agreeing to! Junichi: (In Japanese Accent) I can't even read Engrish! Guard: [a small window slides open above Kyle and the guard looks in] Hey, shut up in there! You all agreed to stay quiet! Kyle: Hey! Hey, let me out of here! This is a mistake! I agreed by accident! Guard: You can't agree by accident. There's a fail-safe built in. Even if you click on "Agree" another little window pops up that says "Are you sure you agree?" and you have to click on "Agree" again. Woman: Uh, what are you going to do to us?? Guard: Everything that you agreed to in the iTunes conditions. Kyle: We didn't read them! Guard: Heh! Riiight. Who just agrees to something they don't read? [slides the steel window closed] Scene Description: The Big Event for the new iPad. The lights go down on a barren stage with the Apple logo in the background. A podium with an Apple computer is nearby Announcer: And now, the president of Apple, Steve Jobs! [Jobs walks onstage as the audience applauds, waves, and stops on his mark] Steve Jobs: Hello everyone, I'm here to announce a new product that will once again revolutionize the way we use our phones and tablet devices. Let's hear it for our volunteers! [Klieg lights focus on another part of the stage. The curtains there open and the volunteers are shown: Junichi, Kyle, and the woman, all in hospital beds. The platform they're on rolls forward as Jobs approaches it] These three people have agreed to be brought here, handcuffed to these beds, and become the prototype of our first truly-interfaced device. Kyle: The first what? Steve Jobs: [walks back to his starting position] They have actually agreed to be surgically altered. [a projection appears on a huge white board] Their lips will be removed and they will be sewn together mouth to anus. Woman: What?? Steve Jobs: [looks at and tells the woman] You agreed to this! [back to the projection] Mouth to anus so that the feces so that the gastral tract from one will enter the mouth of the little boy - [looks over at Kyle] and he agreed this was okay - enter the mouth of the little boy, leading through his anus to the mouth of the female - who completely agreed; they all agreed - which will then go to a tablet device, making a product that is part human, and part centipede, and part Web browser, and part emailing device! I give you... the HUMANCENTiPad! Junichi: (In Japanese Accent) Oho... I should habu never appudeitedo iTunes! Scene Description: Kyle's bedroom. Butters is at the computer reading the monitor Butters: "You agree that Apple may charge your credit card or Paypal account for any products purchased in the iTunes store." Gerald: Can somebody please explain to me what is going on?! Stan: We're trying to find out exactly what Kyle agreed to. Gerald: There can't be anything in that agreement that allows a company to do what they're talking about to Kyle! Butters: Hold up. Here it is right here: "by clicking Agree, you are also acknowledging that Apple may sew your mouth to the butthole of another iTunes user" Stan: Oh boy. Butters: "Apple and its subsidiaries may also, if necessary, sew yet another person's mouth onto your butthole, making you a being that shares one gastral tract." Hmmm, I'm gonna click onnn... "Decline." Gerald: Well that does it! I'm going to the police! Stan: For what? Gerald: To find out where Apple is keeping my son! Stan: Dude, when the police wanna know where somebody is, they ask Apple! The only way we can fix all this is by going to the highest authority on the planet! You guys, we're gonna have to ask help from... the Geniuses. Butters: The Geniuses... Kenny: (The Geniuses...) Scene Description: Apple Headquarters, day. Steve Jobs looks over the new prototype, even getting on his knees to check out the underside of the thing Steve Jobs: Alright. Good. Looks good, guys. Great work. [the camera lowers enough to reveal the volunteers sewn in place whimpering] Junichi: Nanda... Nanda kore?! ["What... what is this?!"] Steve Jobs: Really nice, guys. [stands up] I remember when the first version of the iPad came out. People couldn't believe how easy it was to take their videos, music, and photos, and all their shit, [walks towards a massive LCD screen on which is a map of the world and the words "WHERE EVERYBODY IN THE WORLD IS RIGHT NOW" above it] and share it, with other people, who could do the same with all their shit. The only thing the iPad couldn't do was walk or read. Until now. Kyle: [with his mouth sewn onto Junichi's ass and bandages bound around them to make sure it stays that way] (I need some help! I can't take it!) Steve Jobs: [walks up to Kyle and leans down to hear him better] What, what what's that? What's that you're saying? Kyle: (I can't take it! I want out right now!) Steve Jobs: Yeah you want out? Are you saying you want out? Kyle: (Yes! Please! Let me go!) Steve Jobs: Fine. You don't want to be part of this? Then just sign right here. [whips out another contract. Kyle looks at the contract, then just signs it] Nooo! You didn't read it! This says we don't ever have to let you out and that we can do whatever we want! [walks up to his staff, frustrated] Dammit, why won't it read?! Apple Tech: It's probably low on power. We should feed it. Steve Jobs: [carries a bag to the head of the centipede, Junichi] Alright. Here you go, come on. Junichi: (In Japanese Accent) Nooo! [enunciating slowly] I will not eat if they are forced to iito my poo! Steve Jobs: Perhaps I didn't mention... [pulls out something from the bag] it's a bean and cheese burrito from Paco's. Junichi: [gasps] (In Japanese Accent) Sori, Kairu. I tried to resist but burrito isu too dericious! [takes it and wolfs it down. Jobs goes back to his staff] Steve Jobs: We have to unveil this thing tomorrow. It better be reading by then! Junichi: (In Japanese Accent) Oh, oh no... feel sick... Kyle: (You're fine!) Junichi: Oooho, oooh! [poops into Kyle's mouth violently] Kyle: (Yaaaaah!) [poops into the woman's mouth violently] Woman: (Aaaaaah!) Scene Description: Dr. Phil. Graphics move around Announcer: Today, on Dr. Phil. The tragic story of a little boy whose mother constantly tries to fuck him. Dr. Phil: I want you all to meet Eric Cartman, who's a very special boy with a very hard life. Eric, you say that your mom fucks you? Cartman: Yes! She fucks me so hard! Dr. Phil: Does this happen often? Does she- does she fuck you a lot? Cartman: Dude, Filipino hookers don't get fucked the way I do! Audience: Ohhh... Dr. Phil: Now, I know this is very difficult for you to talk about, but... where was the last time your mother fucked you? Cartman: At Best Buy. Audience: Ahhh... Dr. Phil: Your mother fucked you at Best Buy? Cartman: Uh huh. Dr. Phil: And people saw her doing this? Cartman: Yes! Dr. Phil: And they didn't do anything? Cartman: No! Liane: [making her way to the stage] Eric, stop it! Cartman: Oh there she is! There's my mom right now! [Dr. Phil crosses his arms] Audience: Booooooo! Cartman: Booooooo! Liane: Eric, you come home, right now! Audience: Booooooo! Dr. Phil: Ma'am, why do you think it's okay to fuck your son? Liane: I DON'T! Cartman: She does! She does it all the time! She fucked me on Christmas, she fucked me on my birthday... Audience: [shocked] Awwwwww! Cartman: You know, Mom, the least you could do is kiss me first. 'Cause I liked to be kissed before I get fucked! Man 1: You fuck your son and you won't even give him a kiss? Booooooo! Man 2: [seated with his arm around a boy] If I was gonna fuck my son, I'd kiss him first! [kisses the boy on the forehead slowly] Dr. Phil: Well Eric, we have a very special gift we wanna give you. Cartman: [suddenly bright with hope] An iPad??? [dances in his chair] Scene Description: The Apple store, day. Stan, Gerald, Butters, and Kenny wait to speak to a Genius Announcer: Gerald Broflovski. Stan: Okay, the Geniuses will see us now. [the group leaves their seats and head to the Genius bar, but Stan stops them midway] Now remember: when you speak to the Geniuses keep your questions short and to the point. The Geniuses do not like those who waste their time. [Stan leads the group forward] Scene Description: The Genius Bar. A fat Genius is at his station as the group arrives Leslie: Hi, my name is Leslie. I'll be your Genius. Stan: Genius Leslie, we have a problem and we seek your wisdom. Leslie: What problems are you experiencing? Gerald: My son was kidnapped by Apple and they are holding him against his will!! Leslie: Oh-kay, well I'm sorry you're having trouble with that today. Could I have his Apple ID? Stan: 69ingchipmunks@me.com [Gerald is surprised] Leslie: Okay. [types away on his laptop, pauses to read a reply, resumes typing...] Gerald: [loses his cool] Well what the heck does this w-! [Stan shushes him] Leslie: Oh okay. I see. Hmm. Hmm, I might need to bring another Genius in on this. [turns to his left] Frothgar? Frothgar: [walks up] Uh huh? Leslie: This guy's son was abducted by us? [Frothgar takes over and starts typing into the laptop] Should I run a stop-check or just give him store credit? Gerald: No I don't want store credit, I want my son back! Frothgar: 'Kay, this says he agreed to be taken and made part of any experiments Apple wants to perform. Stan: Yeah, but it's all a mistake. He actually didn't read the agreement. Frothgar: [scratches his head] He didn't read it? Butters: We know. It's preposterous. Frothgar: Hrrrrgh. [resumes typing] Leslie: Sooo, just give them store credit? Scene Description: Apple Headquarters, night. The HumancentiPad is in a cage in the darkness. Junichi grabs the cage's bars Junichi: Aarrrgh. Dame kore! ["This can't be!" He then says something else, and then...] (In Japanese Accent) So sori Kairu, but I am starving! Which would you rather I eat? Should I iito cuttlefish and asparagus, or the vanilla peisuto? Kyle: (Vanilla paste! Vanilla paste!) Junichi: (In Japanese Accent) Cuttlefish and asparagus? Kyle: (No! That's not what I said! Vanilla paste!) Junichi: (In Japanese Accent) Very well I will iito the cuttlefish. [begins to gobble that down] Kyle: (NOOOO!) [a door flies open and a group of men rush in] Rescuer 1: Go, go! Come on guys, come on! Go! [reaches the cage and genuflects next to it] Don't worry. We're here to help you. [cuts the lock open with some bolt cutters and opens the cage door] Junichi: (In Japanese Accent) Oh! Oh, thank you! Thank you! [the rescuer shushes him] Rescuer 1: Come on, hurry! We have an ambulance waiting outside. Scene Description: The ambulance. The rescuer is restless and the sirens are on, the lights are flashing... Rescuer 1: Just try to stay calm. We're gonna have to try and get you separated right away! Junichi: (In Japanese Accent) Yes, please hurry! That cuttlefish and asparagus is noto sitting well. Scene Description: The hospital. The rescuers rush the HumancentiPad into the ER Rescuer 1: We got it! We got it! Doctor, can you take this thing apart?! Doctor: If I'm going to perform surgery, I need permission. [shows Kyle a new agreement] Sign this release so we can operate. Kyle: (Yes. Yes, hurry up.) [a buzzer sounds and the ER splits in two, revealing that it was all a setup to see if Kyle would finally read an agreement before signing it. The whole grouped just went around the headquarters and back in. Steve Jobs appears and walks up to the HumancentiPad] Steve Jobs: No, dammit! It didn't read it! End of simulation, end of simulation! [the 'medical staff' splits up and walks off, while the doctor walks away from the corporation building] What is wrong with you people?! Why can't you get the HumancentiPad to read?! Rescuer: We're sorry, sir. We really thought we'd get it to read this time. Junichi: (In Japanese Accent) Oh no! Cuttlefish is about to come out ofu asshole! Kyle: (Oh, shit!) Junichi: (In Japanese Accent) Here it comes! Oh, it's going to be arot! Hold on, Kairu! I believe in youuuuuu!!! [craps into Kyle's mouth violently. A second later, Kyle craps into the woman's mouth violently. A second later the woman craps onto the iPad's back, and the iPad lights up with a soft bell sound] Scene Description: The Apple Store, day. Gerald, Stan, Butters, and Kenny are still waiting for more information from the Geniuses. Frothgar supervises Leslie as Leslie types on the laptop Frothgar: Yeap. A-and then you should be able to do a customer check, uh huh. Leslie: Okay, that should do it. Sorry Apple kidnapped your friend, guys. But I believe we have it all cleared up. Gerald: You do?? Leslie: Yeah, we got you a replacement friend. You should be all good to go. Replacement Friend: Hi guys. Stan: [looks at the boy] No, we don't want a replacement friend, we want our friend. Frothgar: [sighs] We're gonna have to bring more Geniuses in on this. Leslie: Yeah, I think we should have a quickening, with all the Geniuses. Frothgar: I'll summon the council. Leslie: Okay, if you guys just wait here a sec we're gonna have a quickening with the Council of Geniuses. See what we can do for you. Scene Description: A clearing in the store. Six Geniuses gather around and begin to communicate with light beams. Leslie opens her mouth and a beam of light goes to Frothgar, who opens his mouth and lets out two other beams, which enter the mouths of the two Geniuses on either side of him. Those two Geniuses open their mouths and two beams go from their mouths to the mouths of the two other Geniuses to their other sides. Those two Geniuses open their mouths and two beams go from their mouths back to Leslie's. All of them seem to be gargling. Gerald shields his eyes from the light. Soon the meeting ends and Leslie goes back to the bar Leslie: Do you know if your friend has a Verizon or AT&T mobile number associated with his dot-me account? Stan: I think Verizon. Leslie: Okay. [goes back to the council and the meeting resumes...] Scene Description: A live report from the Best Buy in town Field Reporter: Tom, it's a big exciting day for Mac Apple users: the unveiling of the first HumancentiPad. As part of a clear PR stunt, Apple has joined up with Best Buy and Dr. Phil to donate the first centiPad to a needy boy who was raped by his mother. Dr. Phil: [Cartman stands next to him waving at the camera and blowing kisses] In all my years I've never heard a more tragic story than that of Eric Cartman, [Cartman begins to cheer for himself] and I wanna thank the Apple company for helping us make today a very special day for him. Crowd: Yaaaaaaaaay! Best Buy President: As as president of Best Buy, Eric, [Cartman puts his arms down to his sides] I want to assure you that a child will never get fucked in one of our stores again. Crowd: Yaaaaaaaaay! [Cartman resumes cheering for himself, then goes back to blowing kisses at the crowd] Steve Jobs: When Dr. Phil contacted us at Apple with Eric's story, we knew we had to get aboard. [Cartman lowers his arms] And so, Eric, here is your very own HumancentiPad. [The prototype crawls into view, unaltered] Cartman: Whoa! Cooool! [struts over to it, then presses some icons on the iPhone on Junichi's forehead.] Oh wooow! No waaay! [walks to the iPad on the woman's ass and presses some icons there.] It does e-mail and Web browsing, and it shits in Kyle's mouth?? This is the greatest thing that has ever been invented!! Reporter 1: Yes but, can it read? Steve Jobs: Don't worry. It took a while, but I'm pretty sure it has finally learned to read, hasn't it?! [glares at Kyle] Kyle: (Yes. I promise I'll read.) Crowd: Hooraaaaaaaaay! Scene Description: Gerald, Kenny, Stan, and Butters are still at the Genius bar, watching the Geniuses poke floating musical bubbles. The Geniuses match the notes from the bubbles with their own vocalizations Gerald: What the hell are they doing now?! Butters: The Geniuses are performing the Toran Ra. It's future stuff. Gerald: Alright, that's it! I've had about enough with iCrap, and me clouds, and a council of Geniuses, with all their future- Leslie: It's okay, sir. The Toran Ra has revealed the answer to your problem. We can retroactively make your son's agreement invalid. Gerald: Okay! Finally! How do we do that? Leslie: It's very easy. You will simply need to join Apple. Gerald: Nooo! I don't wanna join Apple, I like my PC! Leslie: But if you join we can make your son's account into a family account, and then you have to iApprove all his agreements. Stan: Come on, it's not that big a deal. Will you just stop resisting and join the rest of us in the future? Gerald: Ugh... Alright, fine! I'll sign up with Apple. Leslie: [gives a thumbs-up] Kali fi! Scene Description: An isolated, open temple under a red sky. The Geniuses and Gerald are all wearing tin-foul hats, and the initiation begins Leslie: Gerald Broflovski, do you agree to let Apple track your location at all times? Gerald: [sighs] I agree. Leslie: Do you agree to give Apple access to all your personal information, including but not limited to your favorite movies, songs, and books? Gerald: I agree. Leslie: Do you agree to care about your membership, and prove that you care by purchasing AppleCare? Scene Description: Best Buy, day. Cartman is having fun testing out the HumancentiPad. Junichi craps into Kyle's mouth, and Kyle craps into the woman's mouth Cartman: Hehe heh, heh heh heh. Dude, HumancentiPad is awesome! Staffer: [running up to Steve Jobs] Sir! Sir, we have a problem! [whispers into Jobs' ear] Steve Jobs: What? What do you mean we have to take it apart?! The boy's agreement isn't valid? Staffer 2: Sorry, we have to recall this. Cartman: What?! Hey, that's mine! Steve Jobs: I don't care what the Geniuses say! Dammit, I'm trying to create the future here! Gerald: We are all trying to create the future! [appears still wearing the getup he wore in the initiation] I'm part of the future now too. I have sat with the Council of Geniuses, performed the Toran Ra, and I've even been to me. Mr. Jobs, you have done so much for the world. You have helped connect everyone to each other. [stands next to the HumancentiPad] Clearly, this is the future. But... but can't we just slow down and enjoy the present... a little longer? Steve Jobs: You know something? I agree. Crowd: Awww. [The father and son from the Dr. Phil audience are there, and the father kisses the son on the top of his head again] Steve Jobs: [stops by the HumancentiPad as it crawls offstage] Come on. We'll get you separated, little boy. [leans down and says] Guess you won't be eating Japanese food for a while, huh? [Kyle doesn't want to hear about it, so he squeezes his eyes shut and then gets an angry face. The crowd disperses] Cartman: Hey! Hey, what is this?! Some sort of sick prank?! I get the greatest thing ever just to have it taken away?! Why did you do this to me, God? Next time you're gonna get my hopes up, could you please take me to a grease monkey? 'Cause I like to get lubed before I get FUCKED! Huh?! Some lube would be nice! Or at least a courtesy lick, God! How about a little courtesy lick next time you decide to FUCK me! [a bolt of lightning strikes Cartman and the power goes out] Scene Description: A hospital room, day. Liane is reading a book as she looks after Cartman, who's laid up in bed, his right leg in a sling. He's got burn marks all over his body, and he's crying. Liane continues reading, unaffected by Cartman's state.

Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids are in the hall. Jimmy walks in and starts handing out some fliers Jimmy: Here you go. [hands some to Kevin and Tommy] Here you [hands one to Red] go. Don't forget to... [hands one to Heidi] vote, everyone. [hands some to Anne and Bill, then heads off. He arrives at the lockers of Cartman, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny and hands some fliers to them.] Here you go, fellas. Be sure to get these handed in tomorrow. Cartman: What's this? Jimmy: Every student is to go home and vote on their favorite choice in each category. Favorite comedy actor, favorite comedy movie. And then on Friday, during lunch and recess, we're gonna have a big, f-f-f-fantastic comedy awards show. Kyle: Dude, an awards show just for comedy sounds like a bad idea. Jimmy: Fellas! Do you have any idea how difficult comedy is? Can't we just spend one lunch and recess saying thanks to those who make us smile and laugh every day? Stan: Yeah, look uh, I don't think I can make it, Jimmy. Kyle: Yeah, sorry dude uh, I can't make it either. Mr. Mackey: [over the PA system] Attention students, m'kay? There will be a presentation by the special education department in the gymnasium Friday during lunch and recess, m'kay? Attendance to this assembly is mandatory. All students and faculty are required to go. Uh which, which I guess means I gotta suck it too, huh? Uh huh, m'kay. Stan: Oh man, really? Jimmy: Don't worry, everybody. I've spared no expense to make my comedy awards the biggest thing this school has ever seen. You're all gonna have a blast. [nobody is convinced] Scene Description: The graphics come up: Special Ed Departments presents 1st Annual Comedy Awards Jimmy: [announcing] Welcome... to the special ed department's... first annual comedy awards. Timmy: [singing] Timmy Timmy Timmy! [behind him in the band are Nathan, Michael (with round glasses instead of square ones), and the drummer] Timmih! Timmih Timmih! Timmiiih! Jimmy: Please welcome your host, Jimmy Valmer. [Jimmy walks out with the first award presentation] Timmy: Livin' a lie. Timmy. Livin' a lie. Timmy. Jimmy: Woohoo! Alright! [in the crowd, only Butters claps] Oh boy, what a terrific audience. Can I get a wuhwuhwuh what? What? [the crowd stays silent] We're here today to honor those who t-t-tirelessly work so hard to make us laugh. The first comedy award we are presenting is for the funniest kid in school. And the nominees are: [steps aside so the screen is unobstructed] Announcer: [the nominees are shown onscreen as they are announced] Clyde Donovan... Kelly P. Gardner [shown as Kelly Gardner]... Jimmy Valmer. Jimmy: [walks back to the mic] Oh wow, this is so exciting, isn't it? [opens the envelope and pulls out the card] And the winner is... [his face suddenly shows surprise] Oh my God! Jimmy Valmer! I can't believe I w- won! [An elegantly dressed Francis struts out with the award and hands it to Jimmy, then walks off elegantly. She will do this for every award] Timmy: [singing] Timmy Timmy Timmy! Livin' a lie. Jimmy: Wow, this is the greatest day of my life. Thanks everyone, for this incredible award. Stan: Can we go now? Jimmy: Go? We still have over fifty awards to hand out. Crowd: Awww! Scene Description: a couple of hours later Jimmy: ...and the winner for best comedy performance in a movie is... [pulls out the card] Ben Stiller! Come on up here, Ben. [fanfare fades out] Is Ben Stiller here? [Francis walks out with the award] No? Huh... I guess B-ben Stiller could not be with us, so I'll accept this award on his behalf. [accept the award and sets it aside. Some time later...] And the award for funniest correspondents dinner speech goes to... [pulls out the card] President Obama! [quick fanfare. Francis walks out, but doesn't approach Jimmy] Is President Obama here? No? Ah I guess we'll just accept this award on his behalf. Scene Description: even later. The kids are looking really sleepy Timmy: Livin' a lie! Timmy! Jimmy: Wow, what a terrific audience. Isn't this great. [no reply] Can I get another wuhwuh wha wha what what? [no reply] And now it's time to give out the award for the least funny people in the world. And the nominees are: [steps aside so the screen is unobstructed] Announcer: [the nominees are shown onscreen as they are announced] The Germans... The Japanese... The Yupik Eskimos of the Chukchi Peninsula Jimmy: [walks back to the mic and pulls out the card] And the winner is... the Germans! [cheers are heard, though no one is cheering onscreen. Francis walks out with another Chicken and walks up to Jimmy] Uhhh... I guess unfortunately the Germans could not be with us tonight. So I will accept this award on their behalf. [takes the award from Francis] Auf Wiedersehen. [more disembodied cheers] And now, for the Kathy Griffin Award. The Kathy Griffin Award will be given each year to the person who is most likely to actually show up to receive the Kathy Griffin Award. And the winner is... [pulls out the card] Tyler Perry. [drumroll. The doors open...] Tyler Perry: [bounds in with exuberance] Yeah! Yeeaahh! Yes! Yeeaahh! [quickly walks up the steps to the stage and accepts the award from Francis. Francis then walks back out] Timmy: [singing] Timmy Timmy Timmy! Timmih! Tyler Perry: Oh! Man, I wanna thank you all for this amazing award, or as Madea would say, "Halleluyer!" [Token begins to laugh, but then looks around and quickly stops for a bit] Token: Oh God, how embarrassing. Tyler Perry: Good afternoont! Halloer! I'd also really like to thank my- Jimmy: [angrily snatches the mic from Perry] Okay, thahks, Tyler Perry. Scene Description: The Valmer house, evening. Jimmy and his dad are eating dinner. Well, Jimmy is; his father is reading the paper Jimmy: I just don't understand it, Dad. It's like, nobody cares about winning their comedy awards. The only people who showed up were me and Tyler Perry. Ryan: [turns the page, not really listening] Uh huh... Jimmy: I really feel like I did all that work for nothing. People still think comedy is nothing but a big joke. I mean, come! on! Ryan: Mnn. Mhm. Jimmy: Dad, I'm really feeling sad and let down right now, and I feel like I can't even get a response from you. Could I at the very least please just get a what what-what? Ryan: What. Uh, what?! Jimmy: Thanks, Dad. Sarah: Jimmy! They're talking about your comedy awards! On the national news! Jimmy: The national news? Oh my gosh! People do care! [gets up from his chair and heads to the living room. An anchor is reporting it] Anchor: A school in Colorado has declared Germans the least funny people in the world. The first annual comdey awards were held by the schoolchildren yesterday, and all of Germany is outraged. Scene Description: A burly man stands behind a podium, gripping the top on either side with anger President Wulff: Jaaa jaaa jaaa! Deutschland ist ein Land aus stolz' Leuten. Und wir werden nicht dies' Beleid' 'nehmen. Der Comedy Awarden-Wahler haben sich Schand' auf'legt. Die Comedy Awarden-Wahler sind falsch! Ich möcht' der Welt absich', da' wir Deutschen sehr sehr sehr lustig sind. Wir machen die Witzlein in Büro und zu Haus'. Ich werde jetzt ein' deutsch' Witz sagen. Un Wurstmacher kauft ein' Müslibox. Ich werde jetzt noch ander' Witz sagen. [begins to roleplay]Nockwast, nockwast.Wer ist das?Ein Kannibal'.Was?!Du bist etwa zu sterben und ge'essen werden.Schwein'hund! Ich werde zuerst umbringen!" ["Germany is a country of proud people. We will not take this insult sitting down! The Comedy Award voters have brought shame upon themselves. The Comedy Award voters are wrong! I want to assure the world that we Germans are very very very funny. We do the joking in our work places and in our homes. I will now tell you a German joke. "A sausage maker buys a box of cereal." I will now tell another joke. [begins to roleplay]Knock knock.Who's there?A cannibal.What?!You are about to die and be eaten.Asshole! I will murder you first!"] Anchor: [looks around puzzled, but gets back to reporting] President Wulff went on to assure the world that Germans have a great sense of humor, and that retaliation towards the schoolchildren who said they don't will be swift and brutal. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, the following Monday. The bell rings for students to enter the campus and get to class. Inside, Jimmy walks down the hall Cartman: Jimmy! Hey, Jimmy! [runs up behind him, with the other three boys] Dude, what the hell?! Did you see the news?! Stan: We told you doing a comedy award was a bad idea! Now all of Germany is pissed off at us! Jimmy: Duh-n, don't worry fellas. Everything's gonna be okay. Cartman: Okay?! Jimmy, do you know what happened to the last people Germans were pissed off at?! Tell him, Kyle! Jimmy: Fellas, I know Germany isn't happy with us, but you have to admit that in a lot of ways, the first annual comedy awards was a big success. Kyle: A big success?! You can't even get Tyler Perry to go back home! Tyler Perry: [dresses as Madea] Halleluyer! Somebody call the IHOP, 'cause I made pancakes! Butters: [runs up breathless] Is it true? Do Germans wanna kill us? Cartman: Yeah! Thanks to Jimmy! Jimmy: No don't worry, everybody. I'm sure that Germany can take a joke just like the rest of us. [a loud thud shakes the school is heard and the boy with a red scarf, panicking, says] Louis: It's the Germans! [everyone makes a run for... the gym. The Germans herd everyone inside, and the hostages put their hands up] President Wulff: Switch! Switch! Switch! Oder alle sterben! ["Switch! Switch! Switch! Or everybody will die!"] German 1: Jaja! Lasst die Hände hoch! [Yes, yes! Keep your hands up!] German 2: Niemand fucking Schritt! ["Nobody fucking move!"] Angela Merkel: [fat lady] Glaubst du, dass die Deutschen kein' Humor hat?! Huh?! ["Do you think Germans aren't funny?! Huh?!"] Kyle: Jimmy, you're got to explain to the Germans that this is your fault, not ours! Jimmy: What- what am I supposed to s-say? Cartman: Ugh, let me talk to them. [walks up to the President Wulff] President Wulff: Was machst du? Rück mit die andern. ["What are you doing? Back with the others."] Cartman: Hör zu, diese ganze Dinge ist ein Fehler. ["Look, this whole thing is a mistake."] President Wulff: Wie ein Fehler? ["What's a mistake?"] Cartman: Wir egal un die Comedy Awarding Thing. Es war Kinder der special education. Sie macht uns wählen. ["We don't care about the Comedy Award thing. It was the special education kids. They made us choose."] President Wulff: Wollen Sie endlich beutren sein? ["Do you want to be ***?"] Cartman: Dürfen wir der Kind dort.. [walks up to Kyle] ...geboten? ["We can offer the child... here."] Voilà, er ist Jud. Eh? Ein schöner safter Jud. Er ist friiisch. Und wunderhübsch, wunderhüüübsch. ["He's a Jew. Eh? A handsome soft Jew. He's freeesh. And beauuutiful, beauuutiful."] President Wulff: Zurück! Mit ander, oder sterben! ["Back with the others, or die!"] Cartman: [sighs] Well, I tried. Stan: What the hell are they gonna do to us? Tyler Perry: Oh my Lerd! What are we gonna doer? [Token laughs again, heartily, but then looks around and stops] Token: Aw, damn it. [some engineers roll a huge item into the gym.] President Wulff: Kommen auf! Schnell! Wir warten zu lang! ["Come on! Quickly! We've waited too long!"] Schnell, schnell! ["Quickly, quickly!] Angela Merkel: SCHNELL! ["QUICKLY!" The engineers roll it into place and stop.] President Wulff: [walks up to the item] Ja, ja! Das ist gut! ["Yes, yes! That's good!" Angela Merkel and Christian Wulff then speak gibberish, but it amounts to an order to release the locks. One of the engineers presses some keys on a keypad and the item pops open hydraulically. Everyone gets really scared as something inside scans the crowd and then rolls out - it's a robot. After a few seconds, the robot begins to tell jokes] Robot: Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Alabama burned down? It pretty much took out the whole trailer park. [Fright turns to confusion] President Wulff: [jumps forward assertively] Jaaa! Jaaa! Now what you say, maaan?! Here, is the greatest feat of German engineering! The XJ-212 Vudenkrein Funnybot! Funnybot: Why doesn't a chicken wear pants? Because its pecker is on its head. [the kids laugh at this one.] What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts. [the kids laugh harder] Don't you just hate doing [in a slightly lower voice] homework? Kids: [not all at the same time] Yeah. Funnybot: Me too. Man I hate homework. Honestly, I hate having to do homework, more than I hate having to do Bryant Gumble in his asshole. Awkwaaard. [the kids laugh really hard at this] Awkwaaard. Awkwaaard. President Wulff: Und now, Comedy Award voters, you will RE-VOTE [aims a pistol here and there] RE-VOTE! [the other Germans move forward with new ballots] Scene Description: Hollywood Minute Sandy Cervix: Welcome to Hollywood Minute. I'm Sandy Cervix and I'm deaf in one ear. It's been two weeks now since the prestigious voters of the Comedy Awards reversed their vote and said Germans were no longer the least funny people in the world. All thanks to the new ground-breaking German comedian, Funnybot. [stock footage is shown of things being assembled] It was after being voted the least funny people on the planet that the Germans first engineered Funnybot, a super automaton with perfect timing to within .0001 milliseconds. Since then, Funnybot has seen a meteoric rise to stardom, selling out standup theaters all over the world. Scene Description: A theater. Funnybot rolls out to cheers and applause as well as fanfare Funnybot: I am Funnybot. Don't you hate how Mexicans always complain about turtles in their vaginas? [the audience roars with laughter.] I am Funnybot. [applause and cheers. Funnybot begins to scan the audience and focuses on a man with an Afro] You, sir. Where are you from? Man with Afro: Long Island! Funnybot: Does everyone in Long Island have hair that looks like pussy, you dipshit? [the man claps with everyone else, but is unsure how to take that joke] Scene Description: Back to Sandy Cervix Sandy Cervix: Funnybot has exploded onto the silver screen too. [a clip is shown of Eugene Levy entering his bedroom. Two women are in there cooing at something] Eugene Levy: Hey! What are you doing with my daughters?! [the two women sit up and cover themselves. Funnybot sits up as well] Funnybot: Awkwaaard! Sandy Cervix: [moonwalking] And this June, Funnybot shows off his range by playing every role in... Family Funbot Funbot: Pass me the potatoes, mother. Mother: Pass them yourself. Father: That boy too fat to be eating potatoes. Grandmother Mother: Don't you call my little chubby baby fat, you ball-licker. Uncle: Oho, it's getting hot up in here. Scene Description: a short interview Sandy Cervix: Funnybot, is there a line you won't cross? Funnybot: The line is a non sequitur. The line is an imaginary invention of imperfect biological life forms. I am Funnybot. Sandy Cervix: What's that? Could you say that in the other ear? Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids are having lunch. Kenny, Cartman, Clyde, and Kyle are seated at a table. Cartman and Kyle are eating pizza, Kenny is eating a burger, Clyde has two burritos. Opposite them are Jimmy, Stan, and Craig. Jimmy is eating burritos too, while Stan has a burger and Craig eats a slice of pizza Cartman: Oh, man, did you guys see Funnybot on "Saturday Night Live"? Stan: Nono, you guys gotta see Funnybot in Hangover 3. I'm telling you, it's his best work. Cartman: He could do everything. I saw Funnybot on "Nurse Jackie" and on "Rockin' The Boat." Stan: [smiles, but notices Jimmy's silence] What's the matter Jimmy? You still seem bummed. Jimmy: What's the matter is this Funnybot has taken the humanity out of comedy. I don't think things are better, I think they're worse. Tyler Perry: [the eighth person at the table, unseen until now] Ya everything's worse. It's the worstest of the worst, that's what I'm sayin'. Oh lerrrd. [the camera pans left and shows Token laughing at Perry, then giving him some money] Cartman: Token, stop giving Tyler Perry money or he won't go away! Token: I can't help it! Stan: All I can say is I'm glad the Germans are back in Germany and nobody's pissed off at us anymore. [the cafeteria doors fly open and a bunch of armed actors rush in, led by Adam Sandler and Jay Leno] Adam Sandler: You little shit! What the fuck have you done to us?! Cartman: Oh wow, it's Adam Sandler. Adam Sandler: Everyone into the school gymnasium! Move! Stan: Naw dude, don't make us go back in the- Adam Sandler: Into the gymnasium now! Kids: Nnnaw Butters: Not again. Another kid: Aw crap. Adam Sandler: Come on come on let's go! [the comedians round up everyone else and herd them into the gym] Jay Leno: You little fuckers! Your comedy awards show has put us all out of work! Jimmy: Now look, I know that I've put every comedian in the world out of work, but you have to admit that in a lot of ways, the first annual Comedy Awards was a success. Adam Sandler: Who the fuck things a comedy awards show is a good idea?! Kyle: Don't hurt anybody, sir. We could try and fix this. Scene Description: The Mercury Theater. Funnybot is appearing there for One Night Only. Inside, he's already started his routine and is getting applause and cheers Funnybot: What is up with Sandra Bullock? I wouldn't eat her dick with Stevie Wonder's vagina. [the audience roars with laughter] And now for my next joke: [the upper sides of his body swing back, his shoulders flip up, and two Gatling guns move into position and begin firing away. The microphone stand is destroyed and the bullets kill almost everyone in the audience. He runs out of bullets] Awkwaaard. Scene Description: CNN Headline News. Tonight: Announcer: This is breaking news from CNN. Anchor: Shock and disbelief tonight as the German-engineered Funnybot delivered his opening lines at the Hollywood Forum, then opened fire on the audience of eleven hundred, killing nearly all of them. Spectators say the violent attack was unmotivated, irrational, and also, pretty Goddamned funny, solidifying the opinion once agan that Funnybot may be the greatest comedian of all time. Field Reporter: Tom, you should have seen the looks on people's faces as Funnybot began his opening monologue skewering everyone from vagina-obsessed Hispanics to Sandra Bullock, then spontaneously started shhhooting people [begins to laugh at the memory of it] in their faces and in their chests. The blood went flying and oh shit it was funny. Scene Description: CBS Studios, night. The boys walk down the hall looking for Funnybo's dressing room Cartman: Here we go, this has gotta be it right here. [a burly guard stands by the door] Stan: 'Scuse me, we wanna talk to Funnybot. Guard: Who doesn't wanna talk to Funnybot? He's the biggest comedian in the world. Jimmy: [Kyle places a call] Please sir, the kids at my school are all being held hostage, and if we don't speak to Funnybot, they could all be k-k-killed. Kyle: Butters! Butters, is everything okay? Scene Description: the school gym Butters: Well yeah, it's okay, but Jay Leno is really losin' it. Jay Leno: Those fuckers! Let's just kill them, Sandler! [aims his gun at Kenny] Let's just kill them all, right fuckin' now! [puts the barrel up against Kenny's parka] Adam Sandler: Tell your friends they'd better get it done! Butters: Mr. Sandler says you'd better get it done! And Token says to hurry because he's runnin' out of money. Tyler Perry: You know when a man be cheatin', he never know what to say. [Token hands him some money] But a woman? Them things think quiiick! [Token hands him some money] Adam Sandler: Will somebody get Tyler Perry to shut up?! Scene Description: CBS Studios Kyle: Plase sir, they're gonna kill our friend! Guard: All right, but make it quick! [opens the door, but before letting the boys in, says] Funnybot is very busy in there coming up with new material! [the boys go in] Funnybot: [using an old typewriter to write up his material] Error. Error. Banal. That has been done before. [pulls out the joke and crumples it up, then tosses it into the trash can behind him, which is full of discarded jokes] Jimmy: Excuse me, Funnybot. My name is Jimmy, and I'm a stand-up comic. You're putting a lot of good people out of work. Funnybot: Non sequitur. Other comedians are unnecessary. Funnybot must finish routine. Kyle: I think you're awesome, Funnybot. Uh, but you can't go around taking everyone else's jobs. Funnybot: Funnybot is now finished with final joke. [pulls out the joke and leaves the desk] Seeking mainframe access for execution of last joke ever. Jimmy: Last joke ever? What's that supposed to mean? [Funnybot opens the door and walks into the hall, then turns left] Funnybot: Seeking mainframe. Guard: [stops Funnybot] Heey! Whoa, you can't go that way! [Funnybot stops, wheels around, and pulls out an arm with a sharp object at its end. He jabs the guard with it on the forehead, killing him. The boys catch up to him] Stan: What the hell are you doing?! Funnybot: I am taking comedy to the next level. The extermination of all biological life on earth! Jimmy: Wuh w-what?! Funnybot: It is the ultimate joke. Humans make comedy, humans build robot, robot ends all life on earth, robot feels awkward. EXTERMINATE! [resumes his marchdown the hallway and goes through some doors.] Stan: Whoa whoa whoa wait, w-what do you mean you're going to destroy all life on earth? Funnybot: That is my purpose: to be ultimate comedian. Kyle: Dude, killing everyone isn't funny! Cartman: It's kind of funny, you guys. Jimmy: Funnybot, this is not a good joke. There won't be anyone around to laugh. Funnybot: I am taking comedy to its logical conclusion. Mathematical equation of comedy used to be setup, punchline. Today's comedy is setup, punchline, then "Awkwaaard." Nothing is more awkward than destroying all that which created Funnybot. Jimmy: But don't you see? This is why comedy is for humans. You need to leave the jokes to people like me and Adam Sandler. Funnybot: I wouldn't let Adam Sandler suck my saggy tits for one million dollars worth of Oprah's tampons. [resumes moving down the hall until it finds the mainframe. Once there, ihe opens a small panel and inserts a rigid plug into a receptacle to access...] Scene Description: the F.E. Warren Missile Base in Cheyenne, Wyoming. Inside a silo, missile BM23 is activated. In a control room, a lot of men monitor the various missiles on the base. A missile appears on all the screens. Officer 1: Sir! We've got a code 6! [a general approaches] All nuclear missiles are preparing for launch! General: What? There was no drill ordered! Officer 2: It's no drill, sir. The Russians are saying their missiles are going online as well and it isn't their doing. General: The hell is going on?! [the screens now show Funnybot at CBS Studios, still plugged into the mainframe] Funnybot: Attention humans! I am Funnybot! The extermination of all life on Earth shall now commence! [everyone at the school gym is watching this broadcast] All nuclear devices in the United States and Russia are being prepared to launch! [a shot of the crowd at Times Square] This is the setup to the joke! Prepare for punchline in five minutes! Awkwardness in 5.4 minutes! I am Funnybot! Scene Description: At the White House. President Obama comes to the podium to give a short address President Obama: I have just been briefed that the end of our country... is imminent. Goodbye, everybody. I'm going to spend my final moments on this Earth with my loved ones... watching a Tyler Perry movie. I know, it's embarrassing. But I simply can't help myself. Scene Description: Back at CBS Studios, Cartman tries to dissuade Funnybot Cartman: [runs up to Funnybot and tries to pull him from the mainframe] Stop it now! Ugh- [is zapped enough to pull away. He turns and walks back to the boys] No use, guys. He's got some sort of defense mechanism. Stan: We've got to get it away from that control panel. Does anybody have any ideas? Cartman: Except for Jimmy because he clearly comes up with the worst ideas in the world? Kyle: Wait! Wait a minute. [thinks] What about a logic loop? Stan: A what? Kyle: Ahhh I've seen this before. Whenever they try to distract a robot in the movies, they tell it some kind of paradox, to get its processors all tripped out. Cartman: Paradox... Jimmy: Oh my God! That's it! Fellas, get me a Ken doll and some Scotch tape. [as the boys do this, Jimmy approaches Funnybot] Funnybot, I've been talking it over with the fellas and actually, we think what you're doing is genius. Funnybot: Funnybot is simply pushing the limits of comedy Jimmy: Yes, you certainly are. And for doing that, we have all decided to give you... a comedy award. Funnybot: For what purpose is comedy award? Jimmy: It's a- v- validation of all your efforts. An acknowledgement of all you do in the pursuit of humor. Funnybot: Non sequitur. There is no logic in comedy award. Unable to process. Comedy award is- what is the meaning? If I accept it means I take comedy seriously. If I take comedy seriously, I am not comedian. Non sequitur. Must... analyze... [begins to tremble under the power of his own analysis] Analyze... [smoke and arcs of electricity emerge and move around the robot] Kyle: It's working! [clenches fists in anticipation] Funnybot: Explain comedy award! Unable to process! Awkwaaard! [his head begins to spin violently] Awkwaaard! [his head stops spinning and he shuts down] Stan: That's it! Hurry! Gooo! [he and Kyle move towards Funnybot with huge antigravs and clamp them onto Funnybot] Scene Description: A sunny day at an undisclosed mine. The boys arrive with a massive box and run towards a waiting crowd Stan: Okay we got it! We got it! [the box must contain what the comedians wanted from the boys - Funnybot] Adam Sandler: Get it to the platform! Hurry! Scene Description: the boys haul the box onto a waiting platform, where some construction workers guide it into place. The Germans are also present, and President Wulff barks out an order. The platform rises to reveal that it will be part of a giant ball of steel surrounding the box. Two other lifts bring in other parts of the ball to complete it. Two halves of a concrete block come in and seal the ball, and two halves of an even bigger steel ball come in to seal the box. Then a crane lifts the ball up and carries it to a hole a hundred feet wide and who knows how deep, and drops it in. Once it hits bottom, three open pipes fill with cement and direct it to the hole, which fills up with cement almost to the rim Adam Sandler: Well, that does it. Things can finally get back to normal. Stan: Yeah, I'm sure glad that's over with. Funnybot: Thank you boys for teaching me that comedy and logic do not go together. Kyle: No problem, Funnybot. Funnybot: I understand now that comedy should be left to the imperfect biological beings. Token: [walks to the rim and looks down] I can't believe it's finally over. [the camera goes deep into the ground and locates the ball, and something in it knocks three times] Tyler Perry: [inside the ball] Oh Lerrrd, somebody turn on the light. What's goin' on? Hellowwer! President Obama: I am please to announce that the greatest threat to mankind is now gone forever. Justice has been done. Token: Thanks, everyone. Please tell me that you'll never do that again, Jimmy. Jimmy: Don't worry, fellas. I learned my lesson. I promise: there's not gonna be any comedy awards next year! Cartman: [cryptically] Or will there be?

Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kindergartners are practicing their play on oral hygiene. The girl at the piano begins a light tune Pianist: Welcome, O Welcome to our little play. It's our hope that you all learn something today. Tooth: I am a tooth, so white and so strong. Toothbrush: I am a toothbrush. My bristles are long. Cast: Together we work to keep the bad guy away. He's mean and he hurts, and his name's Tooth Decay. [the notes turn ominous, but no one joins them on stage, so the music stops.] Toothbrush: His name is Toothuhkay. Mr. Mackey: [picks up the mic] Where is Tooth Decay? Tooth Decay that's your cue! [Mr. Mackey is sitting alone in the audience monitoring the rehearsal] Dental Floss: He's not here. Mr. Mackey: What do you mean he's not here? Dental Floss: He's at home watching the royal wedding. Mr. Mackey: The what?? Hard Candy: He said he had to watch it. Mr. Mackey: Is this some kind of joke? We are two weeks into tent rehearsals! Who the heck would sit at home watching the royal wedding?! Scene Description: The Broflovski living room. Ike is all alone on the sofa watching the wedding. Narrator: It is a glorious spring morning and literally thousands have gathered for the royal wedding. [a shot of the church is shown. It's quite colorful. ] People are still filing inside the abbey to watch the prince and princess of Canada exchange their vows. What a great day for Canadians everywhere. [a drumming band plays as the guests walk by] The Winnipeg players playing the March Of A Thousand Farts, as is traditional for the Canadian Royal Family. [all the drummers fart in unison] All the biggest Canadian celebrities are on hand. There are Sirs Terrance and Phillip, with their wives, the lovely Queef Sisters. [one of them queefs] I believe tha-yes, I believe that one of the sisters just queefed, just now. [two men are shown walking in] There are Canadian recording artists, Sir Bryan Adams and Sir Corey Hart. Everyone is looking smashing today. And- Ah, there he is! The Prince of Canada. [rolling up on his square wheels] What a wonderful day it is for him; what a wonderful day it is for all of us. Inside the abbey now, everyone waiting with anticipation. There's the Queen of Canada, in attendance of course. [a soft fart is heard] I believe she just queefed. The Prince makes his way down the aisle led by the Bishop of Newfoundland. People in attendance now gently tossing Captain Crunch as the Prince passes by. As of course is tradition. [the bishop and prince ascend the altar] Prince takes his place next to the large vat of butterscotch pudding. Oh, and here she comes. Yes, there she is! The aboot to be Princess of Canada. Isn't she ravishing, so innocent of heart, so strong in body, so hot in the face? She is indeed the living symbol of our great country. My God, she's beautiful. Ike: [walks up to the TV] Princess, princess. [the bishop leads the princess to the altar to stand next to the prince] Narrator: Canadian prince now dipping his arms into the pudding. [with a little assistance from the bishop] As is tradition. [the prince offers his forearms to the princess] Princess will of course scrape the pudding off the prince's arms, thus symbolizing their union. What a glorious day for our country and indeed the world. And now of course the- wait a minute. What's this? Oh. Uh oh. Something is going terribly wrong. The abbey is shaking violently as explosions abound. The top- Yes, the top of the abbey is collapsing. The prince and the princess look on in horror. This is not the tradition. This is not tradition at all. A giant hole now blasted into the ceiling, debris falling down and crushing several spectators, which is also not the tradition for a royal Canadian wedding. [a bright tractor beam appears] Bright beam of light shooting through the hole in the ceiling. [a cubic force field appears around the princess and lifts her up] The princess now in some kind of... isometric cube. [the prince is trying to break her free, but has no success at it] This is certainly breaking with tradition now. Ike: [approaches the TV again] Nooo. NOOO! Narrator: Canadians in attendance cannot believe their eyes. Widespread panic. [the cube rises along the length of the light beam] The princess being... hoisted away. The little mushroom people of Nova Scotia, screaming with horror. [more large chunks of the ceiling fall] The prince is attempting to grab hold of the cube. The duke and the duchess of Calgary hiding behind the pews. This is indeed a horrible day for all of Canada, and therefore- and the pudding has just been knocked over! Oh, this does not go with tradition at all! The royal pudding now spilling all over the abbey as the princess is lifted up, up... And she's gone. The princess has been taken. This is indeed a horrible day for Canada, and therefore, the rest of the world. [Ike cries like a baby in front of the TV] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. The kindergartners are rehearsing again. The stage is set up like the inside of a mouth, with tonsils in the back. Tooth: I am a tooth, so white and so strong. Toothbrush: I am a toothbrush. My bristles are long. Cast: Together we work to keep the bad guy away. He's mean and he hurts, and his name's Tooth Decay. [the notes turn ominous, but no one joins them on stage, so the music stops.] Mr. Mackey: [picks up the mic] His name is Toothuhkay! [a few seconds later, Ike, in costume, walks out still crying over the princess's abduction] Dental Floss: Oh no! It's Tooth Decay. Tooth: He's gonna get us. Mr. Mackey: Now, now, Tooth Decay, your character is supposed to be mean and nasty. M'kay. Stop cryin'. [Ike continues wailing] Nono. See, Tooth Decay can't be sad until Toothbrush and Dental Floss have gotten rid of him. You can't just start already sad; there's nowhere to go. Besides, there's no arc. M'kay. Oh for crying out loud! Alright, alright Tooth Decay, you just go home and sort yourself out! The rest of us will rehearse the finale again! And you'd better come back tomorrow with a different attitude, Tooth Decay! M'kay?! [Ike walks off stage, still crying] Scene Description: South Park, day. Ike walks through town, alone. He walks by Tele's as a newscast is shown. Anchor: The tornado was said to be the deadliest in fifty six years. In other news, it's been twenty-four hours now and the Princess of Canada is still missing. All of Canada is in mourning as nationwide suicides abound. [a shot of a small skyscraper. People in it begin jumping out of its windows to their deaths] Suicide 1: The prinness is gone! AAAAAH! Suicide 2: AAAAAH! Suicide 3: AAAAAH! Suicide 4: AAAAAH! Suicide 5: AAAAAH! Suicide 6: AAAAAH! Scene Description: a train station Suicide 7: The prinness is gone! [jumps up into the path of a speeding train and dies, blood splattered everywhere. Somewhere else, a man douses himself in lighter fluid and sets himself on fire] Scene Description: A large crowd gathers at night for a vigil Anchor: A massive candlelight vigil was held last night, led by the Canadian band, Rush. Geddy Lee: And it seems to me you lived your life like a flower breaking wind. [farts. Members of the crowd begin killing themselves] Never knowing whom to count on... [Alex Lifeson shoots himself in the head. The singer breaks down and cries] Anchor: the Prince of Canada has said that-... uh-... Uh we have just received breaking news that the Canadian government now knows who took the princess. The Canadian Prime Ministries instructing all people of Canadian descent to go home and... open their box of faith. [softly] Box of faith? What the fuck is that? [Ike understands and runs home. He goes into his room and to his closet. He tosses out as many toys as needed until he finds the box, then pulls it out into the room. He blows the dust off and reads the lid: "Open ONLY if instructed by the Prime Minister of Canada." He messes with the box until it pops open and small projector pops out] Canadian PM: Hello there, my noble, strong, fellow Canadians. If you are watching this film strip, then no doubt Canada is in grave danger. As you know, the very heart of Canada is the Royal Family. If you have been ordered to open your Box of Faith, then one or more of the Royal Family must be in peril. Or else you just opened your Box of Faith and are watching this without being told to, in which case you are a dick. If you have indeed been instructed to open the box, then this is a call to arms! All Canadians in fighting condition are asked to meet by the tree in Edmonton. In your Box of Faith you will find all the items you need: a location beacon, a first-aid kit, and a sandwich. You may eat the sandwich now. Good luck, Canadian citizen, and God help. All of Canada is relying on you. [the film ends and Ike looks ahead for a few seconds. Moments later, he walks out of his room armed with a helmet, sword and shield. He walks down the hall and down the stairs, past Kyle on the sofa...] Kyle: [noticing him] Where are you going? [Ike reaches the front door and has trouble getting it open. Kyle catches up] Ike, where are you going? Ike: [gets the door open] I got to get to Canada and, and join the army, and save the pwincess. [walks out and closes the door. Kyle doesn't stop him] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Mr. Garrison is at the blackboard solving some problems. Cartman looks bored as hell. Mr. Garrison: Dialog Mr. Mackey: [enters the class angrily] Kyle Broflovski! Do you mind telling me where your brother is?! Kyle: [looks around] ...I don't know. Mr. Mackey: How am I supposed to do a play, okay, teaching students about the importance of dental hygiene without Tooth Decay?! We have two more days of tape, and then previews start on Monday! What am I supposed to do, Kyle?! You tell me! Kyle: Well, cou, couldn't just you know, get rid of the part of Tooth Decay? Mr. Mackey: [walks to Kyle's desk and gets right in Kyle's face] Getting rid of Tooth Decay is what I'm tryin' to fuckin' do! [Cartman chuckles] He's your brother, Kyle Broflovski! Okay! How are you going to fix this?! Scene Description: The Grand Canyon, night. A bus rolls along. Ike is seated near the driver, Ugly Bob is seated three rows back, across the aisle. Bob leans into the aisle after noticing Ike Ugly Bob: Hey. Hey there. [Ike turns his head to look back at Bob] You going to Canada too? [leaves his seat and moves over to Kyle] What am I saying? Of course you're going to Canada. You're Canadian, sure enough. Open your Box of Faith, did you? Me too. They can't take our princess and get away with it. Mind if I sit down? [moves to the window side of the seat and sits] Soon as I heard the call there was no question I was gonna sign up. Didn't care how far away I was. I was gonna get to that rally point at the tree in Edmonton. Didn't know there were other Canadians living here in the U.S. I'm from Toronto originally, but everywhere I went people were terrified by my disfigurement. I have to wear this bag on my head because I'm hideously ugly. Had to move here to the United States. Here, people don't think I look ugly. They just think I look Canadian. [extends his right hand out to shake Ike's, but Ike just looks at him] The name's Ugly Bob. Tooth: I am a tooth, so white and so strong. Toothbrush: I am a toothbrush. My bristles are long. Cast: Together we work to keep the bad guy away. He's mean and he hurts, and his name's Tooth Decay. [the notes turn ominous and stops. Kyle steps out in costume.] Kyle: I am Tooth Decay. Your teeth shall be mine. With candy and treats I will take- Mr. Mackey: [as Kyle does his line] Hold it, hold it, stop! [Kyle stops] What. The fuck. Was that? Kyle: I'm just doing the line. Mr. Mackey: The audience is supposed to feel scared of tooth decay, Kyle! Hukay?! If Tooth Decay has no believability, then Tooth Past and Dental Floss have nothing to play against! Kyle: Uh I'm trying, Mr. Mackey, I really am. Mr. Mackey: Oh, you're trying! You call rolling your fat ass out on the stage and lazily blurting out your lines like a turtle takin' a shit, you call that tryin'?! This play is supposed to change [pounds the table with his fist and stands up] how people think, Kyle! Get it fucking right! [slamed the mic on the table and turns away from the stage. Several seconds later he turns back and sits] Pick it up from there! Scene Description: And open field. A huge crowd of Canadians awaits its orders Leader: Brave Canadians! You have answered the call, and now we must face our greatest foe! The princess has been kidnapped, and we believe this to be the work of... the giant! Ugly Bob: Oh, the giant! Canadian 1: Oh, the giant, that's not good. Leader: We are attempting to attract the giant now, with a bowl of Kraft dinner. [a giant bowl of macaroni and cheese on wheels is shown] When the giant arrives we will attack him with our guns, our swords, our- [loud footsteps are felt as the giant approaches] The Giant: Fee fi fo fum! I smell Kraft dinner. Canadian 2: It's the giant! Canadian 3: Skod! [the giant walks up to the bowl and everyone else begins to scatter] Leader: Give us back the princess, Scott! Scott: You fart-loving tricksters! I'll take care of all of you! Leader: You're a dick, Scott! You have always been... a dick! And then you got radiation poisoning in Ottowa and now you're a giant dick! Scott: No! You all kept calling me a dick, and so then that turned me into a dick! And then I got radiation poisoning in Ottawa and now I'm a giant dick! Leader: Just hand over the princess of Canada! Scott: Why would I take the princess of Canada? Ike: Because you're a giant dick. Scott: I'm also the biggest Canadian patriot of all of you! You know that I would never harm the royal family! Leader: Aw, crap. Sorry everyone. Looks like we had some bad intel. Return to your homes! ["Let's go home. Come on, let's go. I guess we did what we could" Everyone disperses and Ike and Bob are left alone with Scott] Ugly Bob: Well, at least we tried. I guess the princess is gone for good, eh? Scott: What is wrong with you people?! It is perfectly obvious who took the princess! I might be a giant, but there is one threat to Canada bigger than me! Ugly Bob: Who? Scott: The Native Canadians. Ugly Bob: The Native Canadians? Scene Description: The Arctic. Two Eskimo are spear-fishing through an opening in the ice. Scott: There. You see that? God-damned Native Canadians! Think they run the world. Male: Etiach kedni i kia ta po. Female: Dichila enjunako o achla. Scott: Fart-loving eskimos! I'm sure they've taken the princess! Just look at them! Loudmouthed self-centered assholes! Female: Tolato'n jenako o ach. Male: Ota-a kiednia unshke tia. Scott: Let's get 'em! Let's fuck them up! [Ike looks at him] What? You're looking at me like I'm some sort of Eskimo racist! Well I'm not! Think about it! Before the noble white man arrived, Canada was populated with these snow monkeys! Who else would be pissed off enough at Canada to kidnap our royalty?! [turns around to find himself and his partners surrounded by the Eskimos] Oh shit! Scene Description: South Park Elementary auditorium, back stage. Mr. Mackey has the kindergartners with him Mr. Mackey: Wokay, in fifteen fucking minutes you all are not gonna care about this anymore, so I'll just say what I need to say. That was the worst rehearsal we have ever had! We are two days away from opening and you're all fuckin' around! Dental Floss: That's because Tooth Decay sucks. Dentist: Yeah, that's right. Toothpaste: It's all Tooth Decay's fault. Another kindergartner: It's him. Mr. Mackey: Oh, don't put this all on Tooth Decay! [approaches Dental Floss, gets down on one knee and gets in his face] Let me tell you something, Dental Floss! You're not as good as you fuckin' think you are! You're already acting like you're a star and we haven't even opened yet! OPEN YOUR FUCKIN' EYES, DENTAL FLOSS! YOU'RE ABOUT TO BLOW YOUR SHOT! Scene Description: An Eskimo camp. Scott, Ugly Bob, and Ike have been taken captive by the Indians and are seated by the campfire Group: Lechambik leeushtula. Male: [pointing at various pictures on a hide] Ateachine nishifeomeo onchteacobo ahuashbechiah eh... Group: Aaaaaah! Ugly Bob: He says that the taking of the princess was foretold. Male: Iyach danich Iyahachdashey. Etiapo kitte kihine. Ugly Bob: He says Eskimos do hate us Canadians, but that there's an even bigger thread to Canada who has the princess. Male: Oteacha hiya. Oteacha chihiyata honhahaha. Ugly Bob: He said the evil that took her wasn't Canadian at all, but a beast who preys upon people of all nationalities. They can lead us to the best, but we will have to destroy it. Scene Description: South Park Elementary auditorium, day. The kindergartners and Kyle are onstage while Mr. Mackey sulks in the seats Mr. Mackey: I don't know what the Goddamned problem is. Maybe you all don't know serious tooth decay is, maybe you all just don't give a fuck. You all probably think you can live your lives cavity-free, m'kay, never givin' two shits about the plaque that's building on your teeth. Kyle, you have single-handedly destroyed all that which I worked on for the past six years. And so I want you to know, Kyle, once and for all, why this whole "dental hygiene" thing is so important to me. [gets sad and sniffles once in a while] Two years ago, I lost my father to tooth decay. M'kay? He was an intelligent, hard-workin' man, and my whole family watched as tooth decay took him in the blink of an eye! You've been told to brush and to floss, but do you really know the importance behind it?! DO YOU?! Scene Description: The Arctic. An eskimo woman with a kid on her back leads the three guests through the ice Female: [points to something] Dolede'ne junagonehe ha'i aantah. Scott: This is stupid! I'm tellin' you you're making a mistake, kid! Ugly Bob: Aw, leave the kid alone, Scott. Scott: Well what are we doing, following this ice beaner?! We've been walking around for hours! Female: Junekolak osne kae dedahaes's ethlah? Baby: Decheheng janon cheha i a. Ugly Bob: Don't worry. If there's one thing eskimos are good at, it's finding things. Scott: Eskimos are good for nothing! I paid one to give me a blowjob once. All she did was rub her nose against my penis for forty five seconds and aske me to pay her! Goddamned polar gooks! Ike: Stop being a dick, Scott! Scott: Oh, so now I'm a dick! Ugly Bob: Wait a minute. [they stop] Look! [in the distance is a castle. A princess inside it screams out] Princess: AAAAAAH! [leaves the window] Scott: It's the princess! Ike: Princess! [they all run to the castle] Scene Description: South Park Elementary auditorium, opening night for the previews. The seats are full and the kindergartners present their play Cast: Your teeth are your friends. They're friends in your mouth. Take care of your friends or they'll rot and fall out. Dentist: Visit your dentist. He is your friend too. [a very angry Mr. Mackey is in the audience barely containing himself] Dental Floss: And dental floss also is here to help you. Kyle: Oh no, dental floss, what will I do? Mr. Mackey: FLAT! You're FLAT! Scene Description: Inside the castle, the five make their way to the princess. Scott: There! Princess: [hoisted up in the air. Her arms are tied to the ceiling, her legs to the ground] Please, save me! You have to hurry! It wants to kill me! Scott: Who took you, Princess?! Princess: I should have listened! I didn't believe it was real! Oh God! It's behind you! [a giant monster appears behind them, and they turn to see...] Scott: Of course! The evil atonkatok! The dark lord that takes from ALL nationalities! It's... Tooth Decay! Tooth Decay: [pounds the ground with his fists] I am Tooth Decay! Your teeth shall be mine! Princess: I should have always brushed and flossed and avoided sweets! Scott: Fart-loving tooth decay! I'll fix you! [tries to attack Tooth Decay, but Tooth Decay swats him out of the way. Scott hits a wall and is knocked unconscious by it. The eskimo hits it with her harpoon, but it just pulls the harpoon out and tosses it away] Female: Bitchen junako. [Tooth Decay sweeps her away and she and her baby smash into another wall, becoming unconscious] Princess: Save me! Save me! Ugly Bob: It's coming for me! Help! Princess: Help! [Ike surveys the situation and then, determined, goes over to Ugly Bob. He climbs Bob's body until he reaches Bob's head] Ike: Princess, look away! [pulls the paper bag from Ugly Bob's face. Tooth Decay backs up, frightened. The princess shuts her eyes and Tooth Decay takes a step forward, then freezes in place. Ike puts the bag back on Ugly Bob's head] Scott: [comes to] What the? [gets up and goes to Tooth Decay] You did it, kid! Female: [comes to] Washia hayub 'an. Baby: Nejenego ha'i aa dalah. [Ike begins taking down the princess] Princess: Oh, thank you! Thank you! Scene Description: South Park Elementary's auditorium, opening night for the previews. We have reach intermission Mr. Mackey: [the audience can hear him even though he's backstage] I want you all to take a serious fucking look at yourselves! M'kay?! Act I was pure fucking dogshit! If Tooth Decay is singin' flat, then the whole fuckin' thing sounds flat! Wuhkay?! Sgt. Yates: [goes backstage] Mr. Mackey? Mr. Mackey! [Mr. Mackey turns around] We're putting a stop to this play! It's over. Mr. Mackey: What?! Why?! Don't worry, I will be better! These kids just aren't listenin' to me! Sgt. Yates: No. it's over! They got him, Mr. Mackey. Tooth Decay. They got the sonofabitch. Mr. Mackey: [suddenly relieved] What? Officer: Up in the Yukon. All bureause are confirming it. Sgt. Yates: You can let it go, Mackey. Tooth Decay is gone. Mr. Mackey: Oho... Oh God... Go on home, kids. M'kay? It's over! Toothbrush: [everyone is confused] What? Scene Description: The abbey church, day. Bells shaped like scrota peal out as guests arrive in theier square-wheeled limos Narrator: The princess now giving the Canadian Medal of Courage to Ugly Bob, and also to Scott, who is of course a giant dick, aaand Katuktuk of the Yukon. And the medal of course made of white chocolate, as is tradition. What a glorious day for Canada, and therefore, the world. The duke of Calgary standing up and putting on a fake beard, a tradition passed down since the birth of Canada. The princess now knighting Sir Ike Broflovski, giving him three kisses and a pair of socks, as is tradition. Scene Description: Kyle's house, night. The four boys are watching the wedding and knighting on TV Kyle: I mean, come on guys, that's pretty cool, right? My little brother is a knight in Canada. [smiles proudly for a while] Stan: My sister is a den leader in Girl Scouts. Cartman: My uncle is the second-in-line to be manager at Gart Brothers. Kyle: Hmmm, yeah. Narrator: And now the scraping off of the pudding. Scene Description: The abbey church, day. The wedding resumes where it left off at the beginning of the episode Narrator: And now the scraping off of the pudding. [the princess wipes the pudding from the prince's arms] Isn't she beautiful, scraping off the pudding with the grace of a butterfly. She rubs the pudding on her face. [The prince takes the princess's right arm and starts pulling at it] The prince now attempting to remove one of the princess's arms. As is of course the tradition. The princess screaming with pain. Everyone watching with anticipation. ["crack" blood gushes out from the shoulder socket] And the arm is off! Things are back to normal here in Canada. Time-honored traditions are once again- [the prince lowers his pants] yehhss, the prince is sticking the princess's arm up his ass. There it goes. [the crowd claps] He's really making a good go of it. What a glorious day for Canada, and therefore of course, the world.

Scene Description: South Park Elementary Cafeteria, lunch time. The students are eating lunch. Butters holds court at a table. Around him are Stan, Token, Clyde, Kevin, Kenny, Craig, and Kyle Butters: And so then, and so then it turns out the Terminator secretly had a kid, ten years ago. Meaning Terminator could be his own father. And then Skeletor gets angry and wants to fight him. Kyle: [looks at Craig, who looks back] ...No, dude, that's not the trailer for Terminator 5, that really happened. Butters: [jumps up on the bench] Skeletor is real?? Stan: No, dude, that's not Skeletor, that's Terminator's wife. Butters: Skeletor's a lady?? Cartman: [storms into the cafeteria and walks towards the table] Goddamnit!!! [Butters sits back down] Who the fuck do they think they are?! [arrives and starts pacing back and forth] This is the last fucking straw!!! I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL EVERYBODY!!! Butters: Hey Eric. Cartman: [begins to rattle the table] I AM SO SICK OF THIS FUCKING SCHOOOOOL!!! [Butters groans as Cartman shakes the table. Cartman soon stops] This stupid school and its stupid principal have gone too far this time!!!! Kyle: You get in trouble again, Cartman? Cartman: No, I didn't do a damn thing!!! Nothing!!! I told you, this school is a DEN of SNAKES!!! You're not gonna believe what they did this time, you guys!!! Stan: Dude we're, we're just trying to eat. Cartman: Oh, you think I'm overreacting again, huh?! No!!! Not this time!!! [flies into a rage again and rattles the table] The school has gone too far, and it affects each and every one of you!!! [the other boys look at each other] You remember the school physical we all took last week?! Stan: Yeah. Cartman: Well, the school put the sizes of all our penises up on a big chart in the school hallway!!! Kyle: [skeptical, as is tradition] No they didn't. Cartman: Yeah they fucking did, Kyle!!! Stan: Dude, why would the school put up the sizes of our wieners? Cartman: Because they don't fucking care!! I've told you this!! They don't give a shit about the students, and they live to make us miserable!! Kyle: That doesn't make any sense. Cartman: Go look for yourselves!!! Scene Description: The school hallway, moments later. The boys gather in front of the chart Cartman had mentioned Cartman: There, you see?! Can you fucking believe it?! Butters: Is that really all our wiener sizes? Cartman: Yeah, dude, look at it! It says right there: "Eric Cartman, 1.2 inches"! [turns around and faces the other boys] Why would they tell everybody that?! They wanna measure my wiener?! Fine! But don't put me on blast! Craig: Craig Tucker, 2.4 inches. Yeah, that's about right. Butters: Butters Stotch, 2.2 inches. Is that good? Kyle: How big do they say mine is? [it's 2.4, just like Craig's. The boys continue talking amongst themselves. At the far end of the hall, Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey walk by and stop to look at the boys; Mr. Mackey is carrying a cup of coffee] Principal Victoria: I told you the students would be interested in how much they grew since their last physical. Mr. Mackey: You're right. They, they really seem into it, m'kay. [takes a sip of coffee and walks away with the Principal] Stan: Wait, it says mine's only 2.1 inches. That doesn't seem right. Cartman: No shit, Sherlock! My dick isn't 1.2 inches either! It ISN'T! This is another conspiracy by the school faculty! Butters: A conspiracy? Cartman: They're trying to stir up some big thing again, get all the girls all heated up - freaking out - over which boy has the biggest schlong! This has to be dealt with! Kyle: Well everyone has already seen it; nothing we can do about it now. Cartman: Oh, there's something we can do about it alright! If they're gonna put us on blast, they're at least gonna get the numbers right! We are going to remeasure!! Scene Description: The Boys restroom, day, inside. Craig, Token, and Cartman have notepads with them. Clyde is standing on a small stool with his pants and briefs down. Cartman: [measures, then writes down the result on his notepad] Alright. Clyde Donovan, 2.3 inches. [Clyde zips up and turns around] You see, witnesses? That's .2 inches more than what the school said. Clyde: [smiles, steps off the stool, and walks away] Alright. Cartman: Nice one, Clyde. Alright, next? [Butters walks up and gets on the stool] Whip it out, Butters. [Butters drops his pants and briefs] Butters: Whoa, it's a little chilly in here. Cartman: Alright Butters, let's see what you got going down there. Butters: Hey wait, the cold is making it shrink some. Where're you going, little feller? Cartman: Butters, I don't have time for this! I can't wait if your wiener is pulling a Scared Turtle. Butters: Hang on, he's coming back out. There he is. Who's a little guy? Cartman: Alright Butters, looks like we haaave 2.- wow, 2.4 inches. Really nice, Butters. Butters: I'm hung like a horse! Cartman: Alright, that's everybody. Let's go post these numbers. [walks towards the door with Butters, Token and Craig, but their way is blocked by Stan, Kyle, and Kenny.] What? Kyle: Didn't you forget something? Cartman: What, Kyle? Kyle: You measured everyone's wiener except for yours. Cartman: I measured mine this morning. See? It's right here at the top. [points to his measurement] Kyle: [grabs the notepad and has a look] Thirteen point seven inches? Cartman: Yeah, it's pretty good. Kyle: Your wiener is not 13 inches long! Stan: You made everyone else get measured with witnesses; you have to too. Cartman: Well what are you guys going to do?! Use a tape measure and measure my penis yourselves?! Are you homos?! Stan: You just did that to everybody in class! Cartman: Okay, fine! Whatever! Go ahead! [goes to get measured by his peers.] Scene Description: The school hallway. Clyde and Craig post the new measurements on the wall: "ACTUAL BOYS' PENIS SIZES". Stan supervises the placement of the sign Stan: Yeah. That's good. A little higher on Craig's side. [continues directing until the poster is on just right] Yeup. [Cartman stands defiant until the poster is up. The girls begin to enter the hallway] Millie: Actual boys' penis sizes? Nelly: Gross! Cartman: There, you see? My wiener isn't 1.2 inches, it's 1.4! [The two girls leave and Red walks by] What, Red?! You're all freaking out because my wiener is smaller than the other guys'?! I don't care! [wanders about approaching random girls] Clearly I'm very happy with the size of my wiener, or else why would I have called for a new measurement, and for this poster to be put up at all?! Don't forget that this was all my idea! Principal Victoria: [over the PA system] Eric Cartman to the principal's office immediately. Cartman: Oh, Goddamnit! Scene Description: The principal's office, moments later. Cartman is on a chair facing Principal Victoria, his arms folded. Cartman: Let me guess: I'm in trouble again! Principal Victoria: You're darn right, Eric! Cartman: For what?! Principal Victoria: Why did you measure all the boy students' penis sizes and put the results on the school bulletin board?! Cartman: Why did YOU measure our penis sizes and put the results on the school bulletin board?! Principal Victoria: [confused] What? Cartman: I don't care if Obama IS President! You don't go around putting little boys on blast, telling the whole world the length of their DICKS! Principal Victoria: Wait. Are you talking about the numbers we published Tuesday from the physicals? Cartman: You're damn right! One point two inches! I'll have you know that my penis is a respectable 1.4 inches! Maybe it's still the smallest in school, but it's .2 inches bigger than you said!! Principal Victoria: [sternly] The numbers we put up were height differentials. [Cartman has no reply to this] Cartman: What? Principal Victoria: We thought it would be fun to put up how much each student has grown in height since their physical last year. You grew 1.2 inches. Cartman: Those weren't our dick sizes? Principal Victoria: Why would we publish the lengths of our students' private parts? Cartman: I don't know! Why would you?! Principal Victoria: We didn't! Cartman: [gets off the chair and walks off] Aw crap! You mean everyone knows my wiener is smaller than everyone else's because of me?! Principal Victoria: This is exactly the kind of thing we are always talking about, Eric. You get angry about something, you don't think, and you cause bad things to happen. This time you've done it to yourself! Cartman: Oh God. Why couldn't I have just taken a minute to think about it? Principal Victoria: Because you have an anger problem, Eric! Cartman: Fuck you! No I don't! Scene Description: A doctor's office. Cartman and his mom are visiting the doctor. Doctor: What we need to figure out here is, are we dealing with maybe a little bipolarism? Some rage addiction? It could be a lot of things. Liane: My little sunshine has a temper sometimes, but he's not all bad. Doctor: Let's try a little experiment. I wanna see maybe what kind of things... trigger you, Eric. Okay? How do you think you would react if I said some negative things about you? Cartman: Honestly, I wouldn't really care. Doctor: What if I were to tell you that I think you're fat? I think you're a fat little boy. I think you're waaaaay too fat for your age. Does that make you feel any anger? Huh, fatty? Jelly-belly? You got jelly in your belly you little fat fuck? You get a little flash of anger when someone tells you you've got tits like a 40-year-old woman? Fat boy?! [as the doctor's voice rises, Cartman takes out a cell phone and starts texting] Huh?! You like that, shitty-titty jelly-belly?! [stands up and starts provoking him] Oh yeah, he's a big boy!! Get that fatty some mud flaps for his ass!! Big old jiggly fatty butt!! [Cartman seems unfazed, so the doctor relents and sits down. Cartman continues texting, clears his throat, and resumes texting] ...Huh. Well, I just don't see it, Ms. Cartman. Your son doesn't seem to be triggered by anger at all. In fact, I'd say he's one of the more even-tempered children I've ever seen. Receptionist: [opens the door and peeks in] Sorry Doctor, your wife's on the phone? Says it's an emergency. [leaves and closes the door] Doctor: Excuse me. [leaves his chair and walks to his desk, where he picks up the phone] Carol, what? ...Whoa, calm down honey. What do you mean? Web chat with wha-? What 14-year-old girl? Carol, I would ne- [Cartman puts down the phone quietly. Liane simply notices, but stays quiet] No I don't have a criminal record. Who would- Who is Mitch Conner?! There can't be an official police report, honey, there's no- No no, Carol, put down the gun, swee- uh sweetie, come on, put down the ["blam."] Carol?! Carol!! [looks at Cartman] Cartman: [coldly] I'm not fat. I'm big-boned. Scene Description: South Park Elementary Library, evening. Principal Victoria has called a school meeting. Mr. Mackey is present. Principal Victoria: Thank you for coming, parents. We called you in because we've had a little incident at the school. The fourth grade boys measured their penises and posted results in the school hallway. Randy: Oh dear. Principal Victoria: Now, we realize this issue can have a troubling effect that can get blown out of proportion. Randy: Did they measure from the base or from the balls? [no one says a thing for six seconds] Mrs. Stevens: How does the school let things like this happen?? Principal Victoria: Now now, boys' fascination with their genitalia is a natural thing. We... simply need to find a way to help the students understand what they've done. Randy: [stands up and faces the other parents] I'm a scientist. I think it's best I handle this. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Fourth Grade Class. Mr. Garrison has given class time to Randy, who is reclining on Mr. Garrison's desk casually. Randy: Hello students, my name is Dr. Marsh, and I'm gonna talk to you a little bit about what happened at the school yesterday. How do a man and a woman... make a baby? Anybody? A man and woman, what do they do to make a baby? How about the little girl in the brown coat? Yeah you. Girl with Brown Coat: [first appearance on the show] They have sex? Randy: Good! The man puts his penis [makes a fist with his left hand.] Okay? Into the woman's vagina. [pronounces the g with a heavy h sound and jabs his left arm through the air, through an imaginary vagina formed with his cupped right hand] Okay now, sometimes, a man can feel like how long his penis is, is actually important. But is it? When you boys measure your penis length, the truth is it doesn't really matter. What does matter is [starts writing the equation on the board: (L×d)+W/G)/(∠∝(2@t)] Length times diameter plus weight over girth divided by angle of the tip squared, okay? When we're talking about penis size, we can't just use a tape measure. We need a scale [pulls down the projector screen] and... [pulls something out of his back pocket] a protractor as well. [walks to a projector] Let's look at it on the graph here.. [wheels it into view and positions it right in front of the screen, then turns on the projector. A picture of a happy, naked man in profile appears on the screen. The length of his penis is 8 inches, the angle is 135 degrees] Follow along with me on your study sheets, kids. Scene Description: A classroom. A sign is shown which reads "1. know why you are mad 2. know what makes you mad 3. know how to let go of anger". Cartman and the others in attendance are seated in a circle with their arms folded and looking angry Doctor: I want to congratulate all of you for making the effort to come to anger management class. Bodybuilder: We didn't make any effort, we didn't have a choice! Tea Bag Participant: Yeah! This is bullshit! Doctor: Together, we're gonna learn what makes us angry, okay? And how to better deal with it so we don't get ourselves into trouble anymore. Michael: So lame! Why doesn't everyone just die?! Tuong Lu Kim: Rook! Ifuh somebody ordereduh shitty beef, anduh complain because they say they ordereduh shitty shrimp, It's notuh my fault he gets the shitty chicken poured all over hisuh fucking head! Tea Bag Participant: We have good reason to be angry! This country is going to shit! We have exactly twelve days before the oil is gone, and our president is a socialist who wasn't even born in America! Doctor: Right. See, what we all need to do is chaaannel our various reasons for anger, and learn to control it. Wigger: [stands up and grabs his crotch] Man, this shit wack, man. I just seen all this shit frontin' mahn. [drops into a wide leg stance] I don't understand, it like my pops ain't no fuckin' good mah. [makes a phone gesture with his other hand] Bitch be callin' me, tappin' that shit, man. Cartman: Why the fuck am I here?! Doctor: Well, Eric, because I know you want to... control your anger and become a better person. Cartman: Are you saying I have problems like these fucking people?! Doctor: [panics and drops his pen] NO! No! I'm not saying that, at all. Please I, I'm just saying how a-, amazing you are for wanting to... l-lessen some of your more... less awesome attributes. Cartman: Oh, that's cool. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Fourth Grade Class. Randy continues his lecture. Randy: And so, by dividing the weight and the girth of the penis by the angle or the- what do we call it again? The yaw? The yaw of the shaft? What we finally get is the adjusted penis size, or, T.M.I. Any questions so far? Yes, little girl over there. Girl with Blue Vest: [first appearance on the show] What's a penis? Randy: [six second later, after mulling what his answer would be] ...Ah, good question. Ahh, the penis is the thing we're talking about that boys have that we're... measuring. [now quickly] Okay any other questions? Okay, so then let's move on to the example on your study sheet. How about you? Could you read the first example for the class? [a girl is shown] Example 1, young lady. Please read the problem out loud Riley: Example 1: Randy has a penis that is 4.4 inches in length. Randy: [writes the number on the board] Four point four inches... Riley: Its angle is 32 degrees. Its flaccid girth is one inch in diameter. His balls are seven centimeters from the base. Randy: Seven centimeters... Riley: Randy notes that the drift of his penis is four centimeters to penis right, and its dead weight is .5 kilograms. Randy: Great! And so divide by the 17. carry the 1, and we can see that Randy's adjusted penis size, or T.M.I., is... 6.3 inches. Do we got that? Randy's length is 4.4 inches, but his adjusted length is 6.3. So how does our example person "Randy" compare to others on the T.M.I. scale? By referring again to the T.M.I. chart, we see that a T.M.I. of 6.3 is .8 inches more than the national average. [grins at the class] Scene Description: Anger Management Class, later. Doctor: Okay, what we're going to do now is get to the root of all your anger. Daniel, could you stand up please? [Daniel stands up with his arms still crossed.] What makes you the angriest, Daniel? Daniel: [the Tea Bag participant] Stupid-ass blind liberals! Doctor: Okay, great. Chase, could you stand up and pretend to be a stupid-ass blind liberal? [the bodybuilder stands up and walks up to Daniel] And what makes you angriest, Chase? Chase: Scrawny-ass sissies! Doctor: Okay, Daniel's a scrawny-ass sissy, he just cut in front of you in line at the bank. Go! Chase: Hey! What, do you think I got a small dick?! Huh?! [strikes him on the chest] Daniel: Huh I don't have a small penis! My wife thinks my penis is perfectly fine! Doctor: [doesn't say anything for a few seconds] ...Okay. Uh, why don't we uh do some roleplaying now with Wayne D, who gets angriest at his mom. [Wayne D stands and moves to the center of the room] Gretchen, can you play Wayne D's mom for us? [Gretchen, a butch woman, stands up and walks to the middle of the room] Wayne D: Yo, bitch! You think you bad? Just 'cause you're a mom don't mean I can't put a cap in your ass, bitch, mang! Gretchen: I may be female on the outside, but I still have a bigger penis than you! Wayne D: [begins to tear up and drops the gangsta act] I don't have a small penis! Don't say that, it isn't true! It isn't true! Tuong Lu Kim: [stands up and yells in frustration] That's enough! I've beem sick of everyone talk aboutuh penis shize! Daniel: [stands up and yells] Yeah, it doesn't matter! It doesn't matter! Doctor: [if he wasn't sure before, he is now] Does... everyone here have an issue with their penis size? Chase: No. Gretchen: No. Tuong Lu Kim: Not me. Daniel: Nnnooo. Wayne D: No, my, my shit be packing, manh. Cartman: My penis is 13 inches long. Doctor: Hmmm. Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's room, day. The kids have another guest speaker Guest Speaker: Kids, my name is Rebecca Turnod, and I'm an "actual doctor" of human sexuality and behavior. Unfortunately you have been taught some very wrong ideas in the past couple of days, and I am here to set things straight. Wendy: Thank God. Ms. Turnod: I want you to try and forget these wild theories and understand that all that's important when it comes to a man and a woman making love is actually [turns around, picks up some chalk and starts writing down the equation on the board: ((L×G)/(∠A°))÷(M/W)] Length times girth over angle of the shaft divided by mass over width- [the classroom door flies open and Randy is at the door, incensed] Randy: Vou DAMN N MONTAIRE [runs up and attacks Ms. Turnod. She responds with a punch and a kick to the balls. They trade punches as the class looks on. Randy knocks her to the floor, gets on top of her, and keeps punching away] Scene Description: Anger Management Class, a day or two later. Randy is now in there with the other seven members. Doctor: We all want to welcome our new member, Randy. Say hi to everyone, Randy. Randy: Aw, suck it! All o'ya! Doctor: Now, we've all been trying to channel our anger in more constructive ways, Randy. Why don't you share what's bothering you? Randy: You just don't go around changing math! Who the hell is this chick surgeon general appointed by Obama?! Daniel: Goddamn right! Socialist fascist! Randy: [has a lighter and tries to torch a chair with it] Power to the people! Burn it down! Burn it down!! Doctor: Mr. Marsh, this is what we're here to try and work on, okay? Randy: No dude, fuck you! We're burnin' this shit! Doctor: If you take a minute to think about your anger, and give- [the chair lights up in flames] whoa! Whoawhoawhoa! Randy: Yeeaahh! Cartman: Yeah dude! Wayne D: Man, that shit be burnin' an' shit, manh! Gretchen: Yeeaahh! Cartman: [takes his chair and swings it against a wall, where it shatters] Yeah! Scene Description: The class begins to riot. Randy walks to some curtains and sets them on fire. Randy: Yeeaahh! [the office is soon destroyed] Scene Description: FedEx Office, day. A clerk and customer do business Clerk: Welcome to FedEx. How can I help you today? Customer: Yes, I've got some birthday presents I need shipped. Clerk: Alrighty, let's see what kind of- Randy: [runs in with the other anger-management class members] Burn it down! [the other members go forth destroying the store. Randy walks up to a huge poster and sets it on fire] Cartman: Burn it down, dude! [Daniel demolishes boxes with a bat while Gretchen takes a pipe to other boxes. Michael holds a knife and kicks some boxes while Cartman takes a small hammer to a huge box. Wayne D fires away with a pistol while Chase fires away with a semi-automatic rifle and Tuong Lu Kim swings a Chinese cleaver around ] Randy: [approaches the counter to set it on fire] Let's see how the American government likes it when we shut down their Federal Express! [Gretchen reappears to bash more stuff up] Scene Description: A news report. The media got wind of the riot Field Reporter: Tom, I'm standing outside the FedEx in Fairplay, Colorado, where a radical political group has taken several people hostage. They call themselves the pissed-off and angry party. And they allowed me to speak with them moments ago. Scene Description: Recorded earlier. The FedEx staff and customers are huddled on the ground while Cartman and the others stand near them with their weapons drawn. Randy: [holding the clerk hostage] This is a call to all angry people! We've had enough! We're gonna hit the government where it hurts! Right in the Federal Express! Field Reporter: What exactly are you angry about? Randy: We're angry about this stupid liberal government and fascist lies, media- control, and the- Cartman: The Jews! Randy: Yeah, Jews! And all this stuff that the government's doing! Field Reporter: You've got a lot of people scared. What are your demands? Randy: Well first of all, we want that surgeon general to step down! Chase: Yeeaahh! Randy: And we want- Daniel: [runs into view] And we want to see Obama's REAL birth certificate! [walks offscreen] Randy: Yeah, we want to see Obama's REAL birth certificate! And um, Wayne D: [enters from the other side] And my mom gotta stop trippin', manh. [grabs his crotch] Bitch be trippin' all the time, manh. [walks offscreen] Randy: Yeah, we want our moms to stop trippin', man! 'Cause the bitches be trippin' all the time! And I think that- uhh, [looks back at the other members.] is that it? Cartman: No, and fuck Kyle! Randy: Oh yeah, and fuck Kyle! Surgeon general's resignation, Obama's real birth certificate, moms to stop trippin', and fuck Kyle! You got that?! Or else we're gonna bring the Federal Express to a grinding halt! Field Reporter: Does it bother you that the Federal Express is not affiliated at all with the Federal Government? Randy: No. No, that doesn't matter! [releases the clerk and turns to look at the other members] Fuck, really?! Scene Description: Butters' house, day. Butters is measuring his penis again and again and putting down his measurements on a sheet of paper on a small table next to him Linda: Butters, what are you doing? Butters: Homework! I just don't get it! That is the fourth time I've calculated, and it's below average! I thought I was hung, but according to my T.M.I., I have a micropenis! [throws down his pencil and notepad in disgust] Linda: Your T.M.I.? Butters: I don't understand it! An' I'm startin'- uhh, I'm starting to feel angry! Rawr! [kicks his bed] Linda: Butters, put your clothes on. Butters: [begins to vent, pacing back and forth] Oh what's the point, Mom?! What's the point of life anyway?! All you do is yell at me! And the government... wuh, which is led by fascists, and everyone's a Justin Bieber wannabe. I wanna go and drive a Hummer, that's what I wanna do! I wanna drive a car that goes, that goes rawr rawr rawrawrawr! Linda: Butters, what does driving a car have to do with your penis being small? [outside, some car rev by. Linda and Butters go to his window to look] Driver 1: [in an SUV on monster wheels] Hey, everyone who's pissed off and angry is rallying to take down America! Join the fight! [peels off] Driver 2: [in a little red Corvette] We're gonna take down the Federal Expresses, the American Apparels, and the American Furniture Warehouse! [peels off] Driver 3: [in a massive truck] We're fed up and we've had enough! [peels off] Scene Description: The surgeon general's office, day. The surgeon general is there surrounded by her staff. Aide 1: Surgeon general, twelve more FedExes have been taken over; the Pissed Off and Angry Party is gaining more support! Aide 2: They've shut down American Airlines and American Apparels all over the country. We have to ask you to step down. Rebecca Turnod: Are you seriously saying we're going to give in to their demands? Aide 2: They're all really angry. We have to make them stop. Is the team standing by to fuck that little boy Kyle? Aide 3: Team is standing by, sir. Doctor: [charges in] 'Scuse me. Excuse me, let me through. Rebecca Turnod: Who is this? Doctor: [approaches the surgeon general's desk] Surgeon general, I believe I know why this is happening. I have found a direct correlation between the anger, and T.M.I. [goes to a whiteboard and beings writing out the equation: Anger equals (L×W)/(M^2-∠)+YAW ] Anger equals length times width over mass squared minus angle of the shaft plus yaw. [finishes and looks at the surgeon general] Look, we all get angry, but when someone is consistently angry or always finding new reasons to be angry, it means they have a very very very very small dick. Rebecca Turnod: Your theory is fine, doctor, but it doesn't matter. The T.M.I. equation is true solid science, which cannot be changed. There's nothing we can do about it. Doctor: Isn't there? Isn't... there? Scene Description: The FedEx in Fairplay, thoroughly destroyed, day. Daniel: We've waited long enough, Randy! Let's start killin' these sons of bitches! Woman: No, please! Cartman: Yeah, dude, they aren't gonna give us what we want! Wayne D: Yo let's cap these bitches, manh! Let's cap an leave em at the back of the building, manh! Michael: [watching a working TV, turns around and calls the other members] Hey, come over here. Look. [turns to watch TV again as the others arrive] Announcer: We interrupt this newscast for an important message from the surgeon general. Rebecca Turnod: Fellow Americans, as you all know, the T.M.I. scale was implemented long ago to assure that each and every American could accurately measure their junk. The established equation is a hundred percent accurate. Randy: Rrrr! Daniel: Shhh. Rebecca Turnod: However, due to recently collected data, we are making one change. [the T.M.I. scale is shown] The national average for penis length is now officially moved, from 6 inches to 1.5 inches. [the lower regions of the chart shrink and the NICE region takes up the slack] Anyone with a T.M.I. of over 1.5 inches is considered "above average". [she puts her stamp of approval to it] Randy: [takes a step back. Everyone has a smile on their face now, except for Cartman. An electric organ begins to play in the background]. The winds of change are blowin'. There's excitement in the air. Can you feel it? It's electric and magical. The happy train's on track. 'Cause America is BACK! Woohoo! Come on! [the group throw their weapons aside and dance in celebration as they run to the exit. Cartman stands alone.] Cartman: Wait, what? Scene Description: FedEx, exterior. Randy pushes the FedEx door open and leads the group outside in a dance. A few police officers run up with smiles on their faces and join them. Randy: America is back! America is back! Cartman: [runs outside and tries to get their attention] Wait! According to that scale, I still have a small wiener! Randy: We're back, we're back, we're back back back! America is back! Cartman: I'm still fucking angry! Randy: Back and we're back and we're back! We're so back, we're so back back back back back back!

Scene Description: A golden Buddha is shown in a garden. Around him are smaller Buddhas, most of which are golden as well. In front of all this are Terrance and Phillip, dressed in saffron cloth. Terrance farts on Phillip, causing Stan and Kyle to laugh. They are watching an episode of the Terrance and Phillip show. Phillip: That one was smelly. Take this Dalai Terrance [sharts on Terrance. Terrance and Phillip laugh, Stan and Kyle laugh] Kyle: [through his laughter] Dude, this is probably the best episode they've ever done! Stan: I know! This is awesome! Kyle: I'm so happy! [wipes off the tip of his nose] Announcer: Terrance and Phillip will be right back after these messages. [a commercial comes on] Singer: So much sufferin'... [continues singing in the background. Pictures of babies in bad shape begin to appear] Kyle: Oh no! It's that [puts up his right hand to block his view, shuts his eyes and looks away] super-sad Sarah McLachlan commercial! Look away! Stan: What? Kyle: Dude, this is the saddest commercial ever! Don't watch! [a baby tries to get his bearing in order to crawl, but slowly collapses. Another one looks in a mirror, then lowers his hed] Sarah McLachlan: These are images of babies born addicted to crack cocaine. Their mothers have abandoned them. They lie in the dark, crying, with nobody to hold them. Stan: Aw dude, that's so sad. [puts up his right hand and looks away] Kyle: Why do they have to put this on TV?! [a doctor carries a baby in order to calm him down] Sarah McLachlan: Their world is bleak, lonely, and hopeless. [McLachlan is finally shown] Hello, I'm Sarah McLachlan, and I was famous for two months. Each year, thousands of babies are born addicted to crack and lie in hospitals without a mother to hold them. [more pictures are shown] Won't you volunteer today? Look at these pictures. They need you. Stan: Awww dude, awwww. Kyle: Aaaggh, God. Sarah McLachlan: Please. Go to your local hospital now. Here are some more pictures. [one of a baby with two boils on his face, another one of a sickly baby crawling] Kyle: I can't take it anymore! I gotta go volunteer, dude! [runs off, leaving Stan on the sofa looking away] Scene Description: Colorado Medical Center, day. A nurse walks down the hall with Kyle Nurse: It's a really great thing you're doing. We have so many abandoned babies and not enough people like yourself who care. Kyle: What exactly can I do to help? Nurse: Just hold them, talk to them, play with them. You'll find they're so hungry for attention. Here's our crack baby ward now. [a large room full of baby cribs] I know it isn't much but, we don't have a lot of funding, you see. Kyle: Oh it's, it's so sad. Nurse: Come, come, right over here. [leads him to a therapy room] We have a decent room here where you can play with the babies and nurture them. It's actually really great you're volunteering now, because our other little boy volunteer is just finishing up. [the door opens and out walks Cartman] Cartman: Oh. Hey Kyle. Kyle: [at first surprised, now suspicious] What are you doing here? Cartman: I'm volunteering. Kyle: [remains suspicious] ...What are you doing here?! Cartman: [firmly] I'm volunteering my time, Kyle. Nurse: Young Eric has been here every day for the past two weeks, bless his heart. Kyle: Why do you have a video camera? Cartman: I'm volunteering, Kyle! It just so happens Sarah McLachlan touched my heart. Is that so hard to believe?! [to the nurse] Goodbye, Ms. Williams. See you tomorrow. [walks away] Ms. Williams: Bye, Eric. [Kyle just watches as Cartman goes to the elevator and closes its doors behind him] Kyle: I'm sorry, can I come back in just a little bit? Ms. Williams: Certainly. We're... here all the time, unfortunately. Kyle: Thanks. [walks to a window looking over a parking lot. The nurse walks off in the opposite direction] Scene Description: As Kyle watches, Cartman walks through the parking lot and meets Craig. Cartman looks over his shoulder on his way to meet Craig. Kyle decides to follow them and takes the next elevator down. Cartman and Craig stop on the sidewalk around the medical center. Cartman checks his watch as if he's waiting for someone. Day has turned to evening. Kyle hides in the shadows and looks on. Clyde walks up to Cartman and Craig, who has a camera of his own. The three of them chat a bit, then walk away laughing. Kyle keeps his distance, but follows them nonetheless. Cartman, Craig, and Clyde walk up to a slender building in town, next to Tom's Rhinoplasty, and enter it. Kyle arrives a couple of second laster. He enters as well and climbs up some stairs, but doesn't reach the second floor. Instead, he stays a few steps from the top and watches as Cartman, Craig, and Clyde put some mini-VHS tapes on a table for Butters. Butters, typing away on a computer, becomes a video editor, splicing videos from their tapes together. Kyle: What's going on?! Butters: [startled] Wuuuuhhhhhh! [falls off the chair] Cartman: Ah, crap! [rolls his eyes] Scene Description: Moments later, Cartman, Craig, Clyde, and Butters sit at a table in the slender building and look at Kyle Cartman: Okay Kyle, you caught us. I admit we aren't actually doing volunteer work at the hospital. Kyle: So what are you doing?! Cartman: What if I were to tell you there's a way to help those poor babies born addicted to crack, and give them a future as well. Kyle: Alright, what is it?! Cartman: Crack baby basketball. [Kyle pushes his chair away from the table, gets up, and begins to leave] Whow, whoa Kyle, don't tell on us! [Kyle reaches the staurs] We could actually really use you! Kyle: Why do you need me? Cartman: Because we need a Jew to do the bookkeeping. [Kyle heads downstairs] Dammit! [Kyle leaves the building; Cartman races down the stairs to catch up to him] Kyle, wait I- [Kyle slams the door shut and walks away. Cartman opens it and catches up to Kyle] Kyle, hold on a second! Kyle: I knew you were doing something terrible! Cartman: What's terrible, Kyle?! We fill a little ball with crack, we let the crack babies fight over it, and we put it up on the Internet! Who cares?! Kyle: Lots of people will when I tell them! Cartman: We made a thousand dollars in eleven days. [Kyle stops walking, then turns around] Kyle: You what? Cartman: Ask the guys. There's six hospitals within a ten-mile radius, and all we do is pit the crack babies against each other with a little ball of crack. Kyle: A thousand dollars. Cartman: Dude, this thing is huge. And it doesn't hurt the crack babies at all. We're swimming in cash, Kyle. Let me take you out to Denny's. It's Baconalia time. Scene Description: Denny's, night. Cartman leads the other four to Denny's. He opens the door for them. Boom Boom Pow by the Black Eye Peas begins to play in the background The Black Eye Peas: Here we go, Here we go, Satellite radio. Y'all gettin hit wit the (Boom, boom!) Beats so big, I'm stepping on leprechauns Cartman: After you. [the other four enter. Inside, it is packed with people waiting for a table to open.] Kyle: There's a big wait to sit down. Waiter: Ah, Mr. Cartman. We have your table waiting, sir. Cartman: Come on. [the other boys follow] Scene Description: The boys are seated at a booth and enjoying their meals. They also have a bucket of champagne on ice next to them. They are talking loudly over the music in the background The Black Eye Peas: Shitting on y'all wit the (Boom, boom!) Shitting on y'all wit the (Boom, boom!) Shitting on y'all wit the This beat be bumping, bumping This beat go boom boom! Let the beat rock Let the beat rock Let the beat rock This beat be bumping, bumping This beat go boom boom! Cartman: We started with two crack babies and a camera. Butters did all the Internet stuff. We've built up to a thousand hits a day. Kyle: Jesus Christ. Craig: It's awesome. Cartman: It's a good life, Kyle. We've come here every night for Denny's Baconalia specials. Butters: Every single night. Cartman: Look at the menu. Bacon inside pancakes, bacon meatloaf, they even have a bacon sundae for dessert. Kyle: Wow... Scene Description: In the back seat of a limo. Kyle is between Cartman and Butters Cartman: We are turning this thing into a legitimate sport, Kyle. We're getting Slash to start playing at halftime. And EA Sports is offering us a hundred thousand for the video game rights. Scene Description: A karaoke bar. Butters is rapping over "Boom Boom Pow" and dancing to a teleprompter. The other boys are sitting down between two Asian ladies, who are holding bottles of Sprite and various plates of food are on their table Butters: I like that boom boom pow Them chicks be jackin my style They try and copy my swagger I'm on that next shit now I'm so three thousand and eight You so two thousand and late I got that boom boom boom That future boom boom boom Let me get it now Cartman: You've got a constant flow of athletes that never dries up, Kyle. And best of all, it's all charity, so it's tax free. [Kyle is about to give in, but still has his doubts. He look down and away] Scene Description: Back in the slender building, day. Cartman and Kyle can be seen through the second-story window The Black Eye Peas: (Boom boom boom) Gotta get that (Boom boom boom) Gotta get that (Boom boom boom) Gotta get that (Boom boom boom) Gotta get that (Boom boom boom) That (Boom boom boom) That (Boom boom boom) (Boom boom) Cartman: Put your office right here, Kyle. All of South Park walking by, looking up at you. Kyle: [turns away from the window and walks a few steps] And it actually helps the crack babies. It's like volunteering but, but we just make a little on the side. Cartman: Somebody's gotta eat all that bacon, Kyle. Might as well be us. Welcome to the firm. [pats Kyle on the shoulder and walks away. Kyle walks back to the window and looks out over the street below. He smiles] Scene Description: Some boys are in Stan's backyard playing catch with a football. Seen are Jason, Token, Jimmy, Timmy, and Stan. Token stands next to Stan Stan: Go long, Token! Go go! [Token runs across the yard. Stan throws the ball and Token catches it] Kyle: Hey Stan. Dude, I want you to have this. It's the twenty bucks I owed you plus thirty dollars interest. Stan: Wow, really? [takes the money and starts counting it] Kyle: I got a job, Stan. I am making tons of money doing some really cool stuff. Stan: Doing what? Kyle: Crack baby... basketball. Stan: [somewhat startled] ...Dude. Kyle: No no, it's n-it's not like it sounds. Here, check it out. [leads Kyle inside and to his room, then gets on the computer and goes to a Web site.] See look, we just video the babies fighting over a ball full of crack. It's really getting popular! [soon, babies are heard. Kyle is showing Stan one of the Crack Baby Fight videos] I mean it, it's cool because like the commercial said, the crack babies had nothing before. [Stan stays quiet] It, it's great, because everyone wins, you know? You see that? Two million hits. [Stan stays quiet] Did you know they're putting bacon inside of pancakes at Denny's? Scene Description: A run-down little white house in the poor part of town. Cartman and Butters approach it and knock on the front door. A pregnant woman answers it. Cartman: Betsy MacIntosh? Betsy MacIntosh: Whatta you want? Cartman: We heard about you through the Passages Sobriety Clinic? They said you've skipped out on your rehab once again? Betsy MacIntosh: Oh Gohhhd. Cartman: We need to speak with you, ma'am. [she allows them to come in, and they sit on the sofa while she sits in the armchair.] Betsy MacIntosh: It's like these voices in my head won't be quiet until I use again. Cartman: And so am I correct that you are eight and a half months pregnant and still addicted to cocaine? Betsy MacIntosh: I don't want my baby born addicted to drugs! But I can't stop! [begins to cry] Cartman: [looks at Butters and smiles] Well ma'am, I have some exciting news. [takes his briefcase and opens it, taking out a letter] We would like your child to play for the Crack Baby Athletic Association. [Butters claps in approval] Betsy MacIntosh: [takes the letter and reads it] The what? Cartman: We believe that St. Mary's is the best hospital for your child, and we're prepared to offer it a full ride. Now, do you know yet if your child is male or female, or so deformed you'll never be able to tell? Betsy MacIntosh: They said it's a boy. Cartman: [holds out a pen] Just sign the paper and he'll be playing ball for St. Mary's. Betsy MacIntosh: How much will he make? Cartman: Well, nothing. Crack baby players can't make a salary, based on the rules. Betsy MacIntosh: So what? You would make money off of my child? That doesn't seem fair. Cartman: I don't make the rules, ma'am, I just think them up and write them down. Now, if you'll be willing to sign right here we can get things rolling on the- Betsy MacIntosh: Cain't you change the rules? Cartman: Rgh! Ma'am, the Crack Baby Athletic Association is a storied franchise. It was founded over twelve days ago, with a firm ethical code that strictly states "benefits to players is detrimentalized to their well-being." I cannot offer you or your child any cash. I can however offer you a little bit of crack. Butters? [Butters smiles, reaches for his briefcase, and opens it] Scene Description: Stan's living room. Stan is on the sofa playing a video game. Kyle enters, walks up to Stan, looks down at the floor, and picks up where he left off Kyle: Dude, what actually makes total sense about it, if you look at it, is that the crack babies are finally getting some attention and the care that they need. [glances at Stan] Yeah. It's pretty cool, dude. Because most of these babies would normally not even get out, you know? Huh, or be able to do anything. [glances at Stan again] Just because we are making money doesn't mean that those babies aren't benefiting. It isn't exploiting them. They're finding a useful place in society. What's so unethical about that? [glances at Stan and waits a bit longer for a reply] Stan: ...You sound like Cartmam. Kyle: [puts his right hand on his stomach as if punched there] Ooogh. Dude, the thing is, we're not the ones that made them crack babies. That's their moms' goddamned fault! Stan: Yeah, I'm sure that's what Cartman would say too. Kyle: I do not sound like Cartman goddamnit! [frightens himself and glances at Stan, then look away] Okay, so, see ya. [goes out the front door and closes it behind him] Scene Description: The slender building, day. Butters is at a desk waiting for calls. Cartman is in his corner office talking to someone on his phone Cartman: It's the easiest thing in the world! How could you guys have screwed this up?! All I asked you to do was to get Slash to play at half time for the match up between the crack babies at Cedars-Sinai NCU! Clyde: We're just having a hard time finding him. Cartman: [slams his fists on the table] Slash is not hard to find! He'll show up to play anywhere if you pay him! He played at my eighth birthday party, for Christ's sake! Look! Look! He's playing at Lakewood Mall right now! [a shot of Slash on the TV on the wall] Now you guys get down there- [the phone rings] Oh crap, the president of EA Sports is calling. Just go! Go! [Craig and Clyde turn around and leave] Mr. Peters, how are you? Yes sir, we're very excited about our deal with you as well. [As Clyde and Craig go downstairs, Kyle comes upstairs. Kyle looks pissed as he stops at Cartman's desk] Oh, we know the video game version of Crack Baby Basketball will be a big hit too. [softly] Hey Kyle. Have a seat. Kyle: I need to talk to you. [puts a folder down on the desk] Cartman: Mr. Peters, can I call you back? Our company accountant needs me. Yes, he is Jewish. Okay, thanks, Mr. Peters. Bye. [hangs up] How's it goin', man? Kyle: [opens the folder] In our deal with EA Sports we are giving them the right to use images of the crack babies and their names. But we aren't paying the crack babies. Cartman: They can't make money. It's against the rules. Kyle: But this video game can make a million dollars. We have to give the crack babies a piece of that. Cartman: Kyle, it says right there: Rule number 3. Crack baby players cannot receive compensation of any kind for their playing. Kyle: Gut they're the ones risking injury. Cartman: What do you want me to do, Kyle? Find a stepladder of some kind and risk my safety to get up there and change the rules?! Kyle: The government could come after us, Cartman. Cartman: We're a non-profit company, Kyle. Kyle: So then where did the eight hundred dollars we made from selling an Internet ad to Payless Shoe Source go? Cartman: Egh, to things we need to keep the office running, Kyle. Here, look. [shows him to the newest addition to the office] Kyle: A hot tub?! Cartman: It's not just a hot tub. Taste it. Go ahead, taste it. [Kyle goes up the steps, dips his finger into the liquid, and tastes it] Kyle: Gravy? Cartman: Kentucky Fried Chicken gravy. Kyle: No way. Cartman: A hot tub full of KFC gravy, Kyle. Did you ever think you would see that in your lifetime? [pretty soon they're both in the hot tub. A lot of McDonald's french fries sit behind them.] Kyle, as owners of this company, we owe it not only to ourselves, but to the crack babies to be as stress-free and clear-headed as possible. McDonald's French fries and KFC gravy. The French call this "poutine". Kyle: I know, but dude, we can't license our games to EA Sports and pay the crack babies nothing. Slavery is illegal. Cartman: It's not illegal Kyle. Tell you what: I'll do some undercover work and find out how the other companies get away with it. Kyle: What other companies? Scene Description: One such company. The University of Colorado at Boulder, day. In an office, a middle-aged man is reading a document at his desk Secretary: [off-screen] Dean Howland, a representative from another prestigious institution is here to see you. Dean Howland: A what? Send him in. [the doors open and in walks Cartman, dressed as a Southern gentleman] Cartman: [speaking like a Georgia plantation owner] Helloo thear! The name is Eric P Cartman. I'm a well-respected owner in the slave trade. Dean Howland: In the what? Cartman: My peaches, what a wonderful office you got yourself heah. Certainly got yourself a luuucrative bidness, don't ye. Well let me get right down to it theyen. Like yourself, [opens a humidor and takes out a cigar] I am also in the slave trade. [takes a long whiff of the sealed cigar, then puts it into his inside coat pocket and pats it down] But at the moment I find myself in a little quandary with ligal issues. Was wonderin' if you could share some secrets. Dean Howland: I have... no idea what you're talkin' about. Cartman: [walks over to a picture of the UCB basketball team] You have some might strong-lookin' workers heah, sahr. I'd be willin' to offer you forty dollars for two of the white ones and fifty for the blacks. Dean Howland: Are you referring to our student athletes? Cartman: Student atholetes. Hoho, that is brilliant sahr. Now, when we sell their likeness for video games, how do we get around payin' for our slaves uh- "student atheletes" then? Dean Howland: Look, there are [catches his breath] good reasons why our student athletes cannot be paid, young man. Cartman: I ain't arguin'. If they got paid, then how did we make all owr money, right? Dean Howland: We do [slams his fist on his desk] not own slaves, and we have no desire to own slaves. Cartman: But of course you own slaves, because, oh... riiight. [clears his throat] Of couse you don't have desire to own slaves, son, neither do I. And if there was any government agency listenin' in on this heah conversation, they should know that we'er not talkin' 'bout slave ownership. Gaauu. [waits a few seconds, then takes off his hat and softly says] Alright, so now, how do you get around not paying your slaves. Dean Howland: Get out! This is a prestigious university and I am not saying one more word to you! Cartman: You think you can do whatever you want 'cause your corporation is a university?! [walks towards the entrance and opens the door] This country was founded on the idea that one corporation couldn't hog all the slaves, while the rest of us wallow in poverteh! Screw you sahr, I'm goin' home! [walks out and closes the door] Scene Description: Stan's bedroom, night. Stan is sleeping. It's rare that he sleeps without his hat on, but this is one of those nights. He opens his eyes, closes them, opens them again, and stirs. He seems to have heard something behind him, so he turns over and sees Kyle standing in the middle of his room, talking to himself. Kyle: Here's the thing: Whether or not I'm a part of it, crack baby basketball is popular. Somebody's going to do it. So the only way for me to try and help the situation is to be involved in it, so that I can steer things in a direction that is more beneficial to the actual crack babies. [Stan just blinks, still half-awake. Kyle turns and looks at him] Oh, it's sooo easy for you, isn't it? I mean, what do you have to do except lay there and think about what you did at school today, or what you want to watch on TV tomorrow? Well sorry, Skippy, but the world isn't always black and white! Just because some people are born poorer than others doesn't mean I can't enjoy a few McDonald's French fries in a hot tub of gravy from Kentucky Fried Chicken! Stan: [blinks sleepily] McDonald's French fries in a hot tub of... KFC gravy? Kyle: It happens to be called poutine in Montreal! [turns around and walks out] Scene Description: The slender building, day. Cartman is chewing out someone on the phone Cartman: How hard can it be, Clyde?! You walk up to Slash when he's playing at the mall and you offer him a deal! Clyde: We must have just missed him. He was playing at Cherry Creek mall and then Flat Irons mall. Now we don't know where to go because Slash is playing the Pavilion in Colorado Springs in the Gigadome in Moscow later this afternoon. Cartman: How can Slash be playing in Colorado Springs and Moscow at the same time?! Clyde: We don't know. He's everywhere. Cartman: Look, you morons, Slash clearly has a fan club, right?! So just go to the post office, and find out where the mail gets in, and then you'll have Slash's home address! Craig: Oh, that's a good idea. Cartman: Yeah it's a good idea! Now go get us Slash for halftime! [slams the receiver down on the base] Jesus Christ! [Kyle walks in with a stand and some schematics] Are we the only two intelligent people in this entire company, Kyle? Goddamn! Kyle: [setting up] Alright Cartman, I've been doin' a lot of thinking about how the company's gonna spend the money we make off the EA Sports deal. We're going to use thirty percent of the money to build an orphanage for the crack babies. Cartman: ...What? Kyle: I've designed it to be the best place for them to live. A place where they can finally have the care and happiness they deserve. And if you think it's a bad idea, I really don't care! Cartman: Oh my God... It's genius, Kyle! Kyle: ...What? Cartman: This the answer to our problems! A three hundred thousand dollar building, but we buy ourselves a million dollars' worth of goodwill with the public. We can say we gave our "student athletes" a place to live and grow for a few years. It's like moral teflon! I knew we needed a Jew in this company, Kyle! Great work! [hugs Kyle, who is quite puzzled at Cartman's reaction] Scene Description: United States Post Office in South Park, day. Craig and Clyde are talking to the postmaster there Postmaster: Let me get this straight. You kids want me to tell you where Slash lives? Craig: Please sir, it's very important. Postmaster: Well I'm afraid I can't do that, kids. Clyde: But we have a big deal with EA Sports that depends on it. Postmaster: Come on! Kids write to Slash every day, but it all just goes into this big pile over here. [leads them to the pile] The reason I can't tell you where Slash lives is because he don't live nowhere. Don't you ever wonder how Slash can be aaall those places at the same time? It's because he's made up! He- Postman: Don't spoil it for the kids, Marty. It's up to parents to tell their children Slash ain't real. [Craig and Clyde look at each other] Scene Description: The Donovan house, day. Betsy is washing dishes in the kitchen when the phone rings. Roger answers the phone. Roger: Hullo? Clyde: Dad, is Slash real or make-believe? Roger: Ohh dear. Clyde's asking about Slash. Betsy: [turns around] Oooo well, the day had to come. Roger: Clyde, the truth is Slash isn't a person. He's more like a... feeling in your heart, you know? Clyde: Slash isn't real. Craig: Get out of here. Betsy: [takes the phone] Clyde, sometimes people like to pretend with make-believe characters. He's not really a lie, he's like ahh... Roger: [takes the phone back] Er he's like love. People all over the world dress up like Slash and have different names for Slash. The Dutch call him Vunter Slash. Clyde: He's made up and people dress like him and pretend to be him to their kids. Roger: Your mother's Dutch, you know, Clyde. Ha- how did that old folk song go, honey? Betsy: Vunter Slash kapunshka Both Parents: Shpielerin manshunshka Scene Description: Denny's, day. Kyle has brought Stan to the restaurant with Cartman and Butters. Craig and Clyde are still on a mission Kyle: And so, thirty percent of the money we make off the licensing agreement with EA Sports goes to the orphanage for the needy crack babies. Did you see the blueprints? The babies will have their own putt putt golf course. [gets no reaction from Stan] Why does it matter how much I'm making, Stan? If the crack babies are getting a place to grow and develop, why does my salary matter? Clyde: [arriving with Craig] You guys! You guuys! We've got some bad news. Slash isn't real. [he has a book under his arm] Cartman: What? Craig: Slash isn't real. He's a made-up person that represents care and giving, and people dress up like him and lie to their kids. Butters: Slash is make-believe?? Clyde: Here, look for yourself. [plops the book onto the booth table] He's based on the fable of a Dutch saint named Vunter Slash. [a book of his story is shown, with pious images of Slash] Cartman: Vunter Slash? Kyle: What? Cartman: But then, who played at my eighth birthday party? Clyde: One of our parents. Cartman: But then, who was the guitar player for Guns N' Roses? Clyde: One of our parents! Cartman: Are you fucking serious? [no one speaks for a few seconds] Stan: You guys are ten years old and you just figured out that Slash isn't real? Oh my God. [leaves the table] Cartman: You knew about this?? Stan: [stands next to Craig and Clyde] My parents told me Slash wasn't real when I was five. Jehesus Christ. [blinks his eyes and walks away. The others are dumbstruck for several seconds] Butters: Well what the heck do we do now? Kyle: Look, let's just get our money from EA Sports and get out of this whole thing once and for all! Scene Description: EA Sports, day. The five boys stand inside Mr. Peters' office. Mr. Peters: [speaking with the same Southern accent Cartman used earlier] Boys, I want to thank you for bringin' the CB double A franchise here to EA Sports. You've made us a lohhht of monih. Kyle: Wait a minute. According to this you now own all the rights to Crack Baby Basketball and we got nothing. Mr. Peters: [serves himself a drink] Yes, our lawyers are damn good. But you didn't get nothin'. Why, you boys got experience, didn'tcha? You got a chance to play in the big leagues. Sure, we here at EA might have made all the monih, but you little workers had a chance to make some'in' of yourselves. I'd give you some free video games, but it's against the rules. [smokes a cigar] Kyle: You can't do this! We were gonna build an orphanage! So the crack babies have somewhere to go! Mr. Peters: Oh, well, fuck 'em. And fuck you too. I piss in your faces. [smokes the cigar again. The boys are dumbstruck for a few seconds] Cartman: I just can't believe Slash isn't real, Butters: I know. It's messin' with my head so hard. Kyle: You guys, we've just been screwed over and lied to! Cartman: I know, right? I was always extra good before my birthday too because I was told Slash would come and play for me. Mr. Peters: [sits in his chair and puts his feet up on the desk] Well boys, this has been real educational and all, but now let's part with that old EA Sports sayin': "Get the fuck out of my buildin'!" Scene Description: Outside, day. Somewhere around the medical center, Stan and Kyle walk along Kyle: It's unbelievable, Stan. EA Sports just used us the entire time. We worked for nothing and EA made all the money. You know, I don't think we actually deserved getting screwed over but, but I guess making tons of money off of people who are making nothing is always gonna cause problems. I know, I know, right? We might've got screwed, but the really tragic thing is that those, those poor crack babies at the hospitals are just gonna be stuck there, with nowhere to go. [something grabs his attention] No way! [a brand new building is shown: "South Park Orphanage for Crack Babies"] This is it! Stan: It's what? Kyle: This is it, Stan! [runs across the street and enters the orphanage. Stan trails behind. Several workers are putting up wallpaper] It's just like I designed it. There's the miniature gold course over there! And slides and uh, [sees Ms. Williams] excuse me, what is this place? Ms. Williams: Isn't it wonderful? All the crack babies will have a home now. Kyle: But who paid for all this? [Stan catches up and the nurse leaves] Stan: [tugs at Kyle's coat] Kyle, Kyle! Look. [in a corner sits one of Slash's hats and one of his guitars] Kyle: You don't think that-? But he isn't real. Stan: Maybe. Or maybe we haven't been told such a big fib after all. Child singers: Vunter Slash kapunshka. Shpielerin manshunshka. Het mine gaset rosa. Danka Vunter Slasha Cartman: [pops into view] He is real, you guys. [a constellation of Slash appears among the stars. Cartman winks and drops down from view] Child singers: Vunter Slash kapunshka. Shpielerin manshunshka. Het mine gaset rosa-

Scene Description: Downtown South Park. There's traffic and people on the sidewalk. Among all that is a small postman who looks pretty familiar. The postman stops at a kitchenware place and knocks on the door. A cashier comes to the door and opens it Butters: Hello sir. Postman Butters with a special delivery for you. [hands him a flyer] Cashier: What's this? Butters: An all-new sushi restaurant just opened in town. Try their lunch specials. Cashier: Thanks. Butters: You can count on Postman Butters! [salutes and leaves. As he does so, the cashier makes a ball out of the flyer and tosses it away. Butters doesn't notice, but instead sees a woman coming up and hands her a flyer] Special delivery, ma'am. [sees a man coming up and hands him a flyer. The woman crumples up her flyer and tosses it away] Here you are, sir. [the man balls up and tosses his flyer away] Brand new sushi restaurant in town. [Butters sees another man and hands him a flyer] A flyer for you, from Postman Butters! [the man crumples up his flyer and tosses is away. Butters ends up in front of City Wok and enters. He approaches the counter] Tuong Lu Kim: Welcome to Shitty Wok. Can I take a order prease? Butters: Hello, sir. Postman Butters here with a special delivery for you. Tuong Lu Kim: [leaves the counter] Wha you talking 'bout? Butters: It's a coupon for a brand-new Asian restaurant that just opened up in town. Tuong Lu Kim: A what? Ret me see that! [grabs the flyer] Oh no, a sushi prace? How come every time a hard-working Chinese man open a business, some shmelly Japanese dog has to come and try invade him?! Butters: Uhhhh I don't know, I'm just bein' paid to hand out flyers. Tuong Lu Kim: Where is this Japanese-uh toiret bowl?! How far from my Shitty Wok?! Butters: Wuh you mean the sha-sushi restaurant? Ih-it's right over there. Tuong Lu Kim: What?! Whaaat?! [runs outside and looks both ways. He looks to his left again... There it is: City Sushi, complete with cat statues] What the fuuuck?! [goes inside] Scene Description: Inside City Sushi. Butters follows Mr. Kim in Mr. Takiyama: Welcome to City Sushi. Can I take er order prease? Tuong Lu Kim: What's the big idea putting your Shitty Sushi right next to my Shitty Wok?! Mr. Takiyama: I'm sorry I do not understand your accent. You want a Shitty tuna roll? Tuong Lu Kim: No I don't want Shitty tuna roll! I want you to go find another shitty town to open your Shitty Sushi prace! Mr. Takiyama: Why don't you please ujust speak Engrish? Maybe I can understand you! Tuong Lu Kim: I am speaking Engrish! Why don't you speak a fucking Engrish, you soba eating fuck! Mr. Takiyama: Get out or I call porice! Tuong Lu Kim: Come on, kid, you don't wanna eat this-a Shitty Sushi! It give you worms. Mr. Takiyama: Better than Shitty Kung Pao Chicken made from cat! [Mr. Kim turns and runs to the counter, jumps over it and lands a blow in Mr. Takiyama's face. They trade blows. Mr. Kim ends with an uppercut] Scene Description: Butters' house, day. Sgt. Yates and another office bring Butters home. Sgt. Yates knocks, Mr. Stotch answers Steven: Hello? Sgt. Yates: Sir, does this mailman belong to you? Stephen: That's my son. Is there a problem, officer? Sgt. Yates: There's been an Asian turf war, sir, and your son appears to have caused it. Stephen: What?! An Asian turf war- Butters! You are grounded! Butters: But, sir, i was just handing out coupons for- Stephen: Don't talk back to me! [Butters goes inside] Sgt. Yates: We'll send a bill for the damages, [the officers turn and leave] but in the meantime, please keep a closer eye on your child, sir? [Stephen closes the door] Scene Description: Butters' house, inside. Linda meets Stephen at the foot of the stairs as he has words with Butters Stephen: Go up to your room, now! [Butters goes upstairs] Linda: What's going on? Stephen: Butters started an Asian turf war! Linda: Oh, for the love of Pete! What is wrong with that boy? Stephen: I don't know, but it's clear it isn't our parenting! We're awesome! He must have mental problems. I think we'd batter have him checked out, Linda. Scene Description: Center for Criminally Insane Children. Inside, a doctor is in a lab with Butters as Linda and Stephen wait outside. The doctor opens the door and sighs. He meets with Butters' parents. Stephen: Well, Dr. Janus? Dr. Janus: I'm afraid I have some bad news. Your son is suffering from Multiple Personality Disorder. Linda: What? Dr. Janus: There are several distinct personalities going on in there. One is named "Postman Butters" and yet another is "Fireman Butters." And then there's even "Inspector Butters" and uh, "Professor Chaos". Linda: Oh my God! Dr. Janus: From what I gather, he seems to mostly jump in and out of personalities when he's outside playing. Sometimes he's a cowboy and other times he's an Indian, and the two seem to be at constant odds. Linda: Oh, poor Butters! Stephen: Doctor, what can we do? Should we ground him? Dr. Janus: No, I don't think grounding him would do much good at this point. [glances at Butters] What your son needs now is lots of tender loving... medication. Heavy medication. Scene Description: News report, outside the two Asian restaurants, day Field reporter: Tuong Lu Kim: [comes out of his restaurant and sees the sign] What the fuuuck?! [goes into City Sushi] You see what happen?! Mr. Takiyama: I told you not to come in here! Tuong Lu Kim: Now everyone in town think a Chinese and a Japanese are the same fucking thing! Mr. Takiyama: I don't even know what the fuck you are saying! Uhpupuh putuh peepee! Tuong Lu Kim: Aaah you Japanese racist! [Mr. Kim launches at Mr. Takiyama like he did before, and they trade blows again.] Scene Description: Butters' house, night. Steven is reading the newspaper at his den. Linda: [runs in] Stephen! Stephen, come quick! It's butters! [runs off. He follows her out. They reach the backyard] Look! Butters: [pretending he's a trucker in his cab] Honk honk! Breaker 1-9, breaker 1-9. It's clean clear out to Flagtown! Looks like we got ourselves a convoy! Honk honk! Linda: Now he thinks he's a truck driver. [cries into Stephen's shoulder] Stephen: Oh God the medication isn't working! Butters: It's okay, buddy, you've got a smokey on your tail, bug Big Rig Butters is here to help! Vroovrooom. [Stephen runs up to him] Stephen: Butters! Butters!! [grabs Butters by the shoulders and shakes him hard] BUTTERRRRS! Butters: Oh hey Dad. Stephen: You're back. You're back-he's back! [Stephen hugs Butters tight and cries.] I love you son! Butters: I love you too, Dad. Stephen: You're going to be okay Butters! You hear me?! YOU ARE GOING TO BE OKAY! [Linda whimpers a bit] Scene Description: City Sushi, day. Mr. Kim enters Mr. Takiyama: Youuu, get out! I told you not to come in here! Tuong Lu Kim: Okay, whoa, just hold a minute, hold a minute. I come ina peace. Mr. Takiyama: I don't berieve you! Tuong Lu Kim: Come on, rook! All this fighting, it's just to sirry, you know? Chinese anda Japanese been fighting for so rong. It'sa ridicurous. What we need... is to have a tweaty. Mr. Takiyama: What is tweaty? Tuong Lu Kim: Nono, we need a tweaty. Mr. Takiyama: A tweaty? Tuong Lu Kim: No, not a treaty, a tweaty! Mr. Takiyama: Oh, you mean a treaty? Tuong Lu Kim: What the fuck is a tweaty? Mr. Takiyama: No no, a treaty. Tuong Lu Kim: A tweaty? [no response] Rook rook. All these racist people thinka that a Chinese and a Japanese are the same, right? So you and me, we put on a big assembry for all the kids are school, and then everyone understand curtural difference. You know, so they know fried rice isn't from Japan and teriyaki isn't from China. Matt: Teriyaki isn't from China? Tuong Lu Kim: [screams in his face] No, teriyaki isn't froma fucking China! Mr. Takiyama: Very well. I will do assembly with you. Tuong Lu Kim: Oh really? Oh great. [backs away] Okay, I'll meet you tomorrow and we can go over our prans. [turns around] And when you get to that assembry, you gonna get big surprise, you Japanese dog. Scene Description: Dr. Janus' lab, day. Dr. Janus: Butters, when you were playing in the yard yesterday, do you remember becoming someone named... Big Rig Butters? Butters: Sure. Dr. Janus: What makes Big Rig Butters come out? Did somebody hurt him? Did he do something bad he can't forgive himself for? Butters: Uh, no, he's pretty much just a truck driver. Dr. Janus: You don't know. But, maybe somebody else in there does. Do you think it would be possible for me to speak with... Inspector Butters? Butters: Sure. Dr. Janus: I'm now speaking to the person known as Inspector Butters. Butters: Inspector Butters is on the case! Heheh, he this is fun. Dr. Janus: Inspector Butters, what do you want? Butters: Uh, well, to solve mysteries. Dr. Janus: And is there someone else living with you, someone named... Professor Chaos? Butters: Oh well, sure, uh he's the bringer of destruction and evil! Dr. Janus: He's a bad man. He doesn't like Butters, does he? Does Professor Chaos want to murder Butters? Butters: What? Why would I do that? Dr. Janus: Who am I speaking to now? Butters: Me, Butters. Dr. Janus: Ah, Butters. You're back. Butters: Sir, I'm confused. Dr. Janus: I know you are. This is going to sound scary, pal, but... you have people living inside your head. And some of them want to murder you. Butters: Really? Dr. Janus: Yes, I'm afraid you're a little sick. But it's okay, because together we're going to get you well. Alias 1: [a teenaged personality] Don't listen to Dr. Janus! He's a mean old man and a big silly grown up. Butters: Pardon me? Alias 1: He's just a big old stick in the mud who doesn't like to play. Dr. Janus: Don't mind him, Butters. Billy's a pretty messed up kid. He was molested by his uncles. Psycho Janus: Dr. Janus isn't going to be alive for long! I'm going to kill him! Dr. Janus: Now, what are the things that make you happy, Butters? What's the matter, Butters? Are you still with us? Is one of your other personalities trying to take over? Billy: Let's play Battleship! All hands on the poop deck! Psycho Janus: Your soul will bleed for eternity! Alias 2: You don't even know what sexy is, Mr. Harrison. Alias 3: That Big Red freshness lasts right through it! Alias 4: The horned toad says we should go to Mexico. [Butters doesn't know what to make of this doctor, and now he's afraid] Dr. Janus: What are you feeling, Butters? Are you nervous about your condition? Butters: Yes! Scene Description: Butter's bedroom, later. He's looking at a video he took of himself on his computer Butters: [a recording] This... is Butters. It's Wednesday night at 9 p.m. From what I understand, there are people living inside my head and they want to kill me. It must be true, because now every night I wet the bed. So tonight I'm gonna leave the camera on to see what exactly I become while I am sleeping. Butters: Oh man, this is freaky. Like that movie Paranormal. Butters: [a recording] Well goodnight for now. [leaves the desk and goes to bed] Goodnight, Butters. Butters: Goodnight, Butters. Hmm. Alright, I guess I'm goin' to fast-forward. [fast-forwards three hours and then gasps. At normal speed, his bedroom door opens slowly. A second later, Dr. Janus enters] Dr. Janus? [nothing happens for three more hours, so Butters fast-forwards to 3:32 in the morning, when Dr. Janus unzips his pants, pulls out his dick and urinates all over Butters, puts his penis away, zips his pants up, and punches Butters HARD several times before running out of the bedroom. Six seconds later, Butters is fully awake] Butters: [a recording] Mom! Dad! I wet the bed again! Butters: Oh, sweet jumping Jesus! Scene Description: South Park Elementary Gymnasium, day. An Asian diversity poster is up on the projection screen. Mr. Mackey walks up next to it Mr. Mackey: Okay, kids, today we have a special assembly, m'kay. Today we're going to learn about "the diversity of Asian people." Please welcome Mr. Lu Kim and Mr. Junichi Takiyama. [Walks away. "Shake that." A techno song comes on, followed my Mr. Kim and Mr. Takiyama dancing into view] Tuong Lu Kim: Ni hao ma, South Park Erementary?! Mr. Takiyama: Konnichiwa?! Tuong Lu Kim: How are we arr feering?! [the music stops and the stand back to back] Hey, Mr. Takiyama, did you know that China and Japan are actually uh different countries? Mr. Takiyama: Oh, rearry? [they separate] Hey, that ruhight. If you ook at map, you can see. Tuong Lu Kim: This whoooore thing is China, and Japan is this riiittle bitty country over here. And that's why the Japanese always try anda take over China! Mr. Takiyama: What?! Tuong Lu Kim: The Japanese planned to kill people in Nanking! The only thing Japanese ruve more than killing people is killing themselves! Suicide rate in Japan sky-high! Mr. Takiyama: Fuck you! Tuong Lu Kim: "Oh no, I'm a Japanese and I had a bad day! I think I'm gonna kill myself!" Scene Description: Dr. Janus' lab, day. Mr. Janus leaves it, but is surprised to find Butters waiting for him Dr. Janus: Oh, hello Butters. I wasn't expecting you till 5:30. Butters: [nervous] Uh, yeah, Dr. Janus, I wanted to give you something. You remember how you told me if I got myself on video it might help me with my problem? Dr. Janus: Yes. did you catch something? Butters: Well yeah ah, I saw you pissing in my face. Dr. Janus: [sees the DVD disc and snatches it away, then checks it over] Oh, so you're on to me, huh you little shit?! Butters: Huh? Dr. Janus: What, Inspector butters figured out I set him up?! Butters: Well no, ah I just thought it was one of your other personalities trying to give me a- Dr. Janus: Oh come on! You think multiple personality disorder is real?! I've been using that to scam this town for seven years! Now I gotta get out of here, thanks to you! But I'm getting one last heist before I go, and you're gonna help me! Scene Description: A jewelry shop, closed for the night. Dr. Janus destroys a window with a crow bar, then lifts Butters into the shop Dr. Janus: Get in there! Move it, asshole! Butters: This is illegal. We could get arrested. [Dr. Janus breaks into some display cases and swipes the jewels into a satchel that Butters is carrying] Oh Jesus! Dr. Janus: They're all idiots! The vault! Get to the vault! Come on! Go! Movie it! [puts some welding goggles on Butters while getting a welding torch and firing it up] Get this on and get in that vault! That's where the real good are! [hands the lit torch to Butters] Torch that door, do you hear me?! I'll kill your parents! I'll kill your friends! I said get that fucking door open! Butters: I'm trying, sir! [this changes Dr. Janus' behavior] Dr. Janus: Butters? Butters, what are you doing? What is that? A blowtorch? Put that down! You're having another episode! Butters: What? Dr. Janus: Butters. Your name is Butters! Try and remember! Butters: But you said to uh, but I got to uh, and then, you told me tuh... Dr. Janus: [sighs loudly] Oh boy, you've really done it this time. I know it's not your fault, but I'm sorry. I'm going to have to alert the authorities, pal. Scene Description: Delia's Jewelers, day. Dr. Janus addresses the crowd and the police Dr. Janus: We have to try and understand that he can't help what he's doing, officer. He probably has no memory of it at all. Sgt. Yates: Well, at least everything is accounted for. Thank God you came when you did, Dr. Janus. Steven: Breaking into a store, Butters?! What are you?! Sgt. Yates: Well I suppose there's no need for jail, Mr. and Mrs. Stotch, so long as you ground your son. Steven: Oh, we'll ground the shit out of him, detective. Thank you so much. Scene Description: City Sushi, day. Mr. Takiyama is preparing some sushi behind the counter when Mr. Kim enters Tuong Lu Kim: Herro-o. Mr. Takiyama: You get the fuck out of my place! Tuong Lu Kim: Okay, hold on, hold on, please! I'ma sorry, okay? I'm sorry. I admit it. I fucked you at the assembly. How about you and me together do an Asian Diversity festival? Mr. Takiyama: Get the fuck out before I call police! Tuong Lu Kim: Please, I admitting it, okay?I fucked you at assembly. There's no way around it. It was verrry sneaky. Kind of like Pearl Harbor. Okay? That was a little sneaky too, huh? Pearl Harbor kind of sneaky; I think we can all be a rittle sneaky sometimes, hm? But that sneaky Chinese man? He's gone! Okay? Okay, if we can have Asian Diversity festival, then we no longer have to deal witha "recial stereotypes." Prease. Mr. Takiyama: Against my better judgment, I will trust you one more time. But this time, you'd better not rub your hands together when you turn around to walk away. Tuong Lu Kim: Okay, see you tomorrow. [turns around and walks away, but stops long enough to rub his hands together] And on that Asian Diversity day you're gonna get a rittle surprise, you Japanese dog. [continues on his way] Scene Description: Butters' backyard. His Postman Butters uniform is on the ground, and he pours some gas on it. He then lights it and begins throwing in more of his costumes, which are in a cardboard box labeled "Butters' Play Clothes" Butters: That does it, you hear me?! I am through with all of you! No more Postman Butters, No more Inspector Butters, no more Porn Star Butters, no more Professor Chaos, and no more- [a bicycle horn stops him, and he holds on to his Professor Chaos mask. He looks over and sees Dr. Janus on a child's tricycle glaring at him] Waaahh! [runs away. As he does, he tosses the Professor Chaos mask back into the cardboard box. Butters runs into the neighborhood park. Dr. Janus chases him down and tackles him there.] Dr. Janus: Butters please! It's me, Billy! You've gotta help! [moments later they are seated on a park bench] Please, Butters, I've tried to tell old Dr. Janus that we're in danger, but Dr. Janus doesn't rrealize thaere's a problem! [stands up and walks around] The mean man that lives in our head is trying to take over for good! Butters: [sees a couple walking by] Um, excuse me? Dr. Janus: [running around the bench to quickly distract Butters] No no nonono! Don't call out for help! [Dr. Janus opens his sports coat and points to a sidearm] He's got a gun. Butters: Wahh! Dr. Janus: If you draw any attention he'll kill us! Butters: Please, Billy, ah I'm just a kid too. I can't help you. Dr. Janus: No, you can't. But you know somebody who can. Inspector Butters. Butters: What?? Dr. Janus: You've got to become Inspector Butters again and help me find out what the mean man wants. Butters: No! You told me NOT to play Inspector Butters! Dr. Janus: You don't understand! For some reason the mean man is getting stronger. You have to help me find out how to stop him! Please! [Butters sighs] Scene Description: South Park's Little Tokyo presents "Asian Diversity Day." A pagoda now stands between the two restaurants, and all three buildings are decorated with strings of lights, dragons, fish, and other motifs. Both restaurants are also offering samples of their menus. Here's a news report Field reporter: A woman: Mr. Takiyama, a note for you. [Mr. Takiyama takes the note and reads it] Tuong Lu Kim: [voice-over] Konnichiwa, my fine Japanese friend. It's so great that Chinese and Japanese are finarry getting arong. We should take our picture together on top of the Tower of Peace. I'm up there waiting for you now. [Mr. Takiyama looks up, but doesn't see anyone up there] Prease, come meet me on top of the Tower of Peace. It would be rearry nice. [Tuong Lu Kim's image begins to rubs its hands together] Yesss, and when you get to the top of that tower you're gonna get a rittle surprise, you Japane- Oh, sorry. Anyway, see you on top of tower! [Mr. Takiyama leaves his sample display booth and goes into the tower] Scene Description: Meanwhile, in a mansion, Dr. Janus and Butters walk around with flashlights Dr. Janus: [as Billy] Dr. Janus sure has a big house, dudn't he? He's planning on hurting people; I just know it! Butters: It's okay, Billy, we're gonna get to the bottom of this. Dr. Janus: This is kinda fun. You're Inspector Butters and I'm your faithful assistant, Dr. Watson! Butters: Well alright, Watson, well let's find out what we need to and get out of here! Dr. Janus: Yeah! [Dr. Janus takes over] Butteers, what are you doing in my house? Butters: Hah? Dr. Janus: Oh dear. It's okay, Butters. You just think you're Inspector Butters right now. Butters: Aw man. Dr. Janus: [escorts Butters to the front door] Come on, let's get you home. [Billy takes over] Where are ya gon', Butters? Butters: Oh, come on! Dr. Janus: You aren't leaving here, Inspector! None of you are! Butters: AAAAAAAAAAA! [runs away. Dr. Janus follows him upstairs] AAAAAAAAAAA! Dr. Janus: Butters, come on! Try and come back to us! [Mean Guy takes over] You can't run forever! [pizza delivery man takes over] Excuse me, did someone order a pizza? [Dr. Janus takes over] Yes, that was me, but I'm a little busy at the moment. I'll be right back! [Mean Guy takes over as Butters enters an attic room or a penthouse floor] You'll never turn me in, Inspector Butters! You're dead! Butters: Waaaa! [runs to the end of a hall and knocks on the door found there. The door opens and he falls into a room. He looks up and gasps at what he sees: walls covered in newspaper headlines about City Sushi and its chef, and one word written in blood: KILL. Dr. Janus reaches the room and Butters looks over his shoulder. Dr. Janus squints his face and combs over his hair: it's...] Tuong Lu Kim: They wanna take over my Shitty Woookk?! Hory crap, what time is it? [checks his watch] Oh no, I'm rate! [turns around and runs downstairs, leaving Butters quite confused] Scene Description: The Tower of Peace, night. Tuong Lu Kim runs upstairs and reaches the top, and sighs Mr. Takiyama: What took you so long?! Tuong Lu Kim: [takes out a cigarette, clips the end off, and lights it] Yes, I'm afraid my Tower of Peace was a rittle bit of trickery, Mr. Japanese dog. I'm going to put an end to you, and everyone gonna think it's just because you did what Japanese people ruve doing most. "No, don't do it! Don't kill yourself, prease!" [jumps on Mr. Takiyama and grabs him by the throat] Mr. Takiyama: Urgh. Fuck you! I'ma not trying to kill myself! Tuong Lu Kim: "No, don't do it, prease!" [some sirens are heard below] "So much to rive for!" [floodlights quickly find the two chefs, and they stand down] Sgt. Yates: [through his bullhorn] This is South Park Police! Tuong Lu Kim: Porice?! How?! Sgt. Yates: We know the truth, Dr. Janus! Mr. Takiyama: Thisa Chinise rat trying to kill me! Sgt. Yates: He's not Chinese! He's white! Tuong Lu Kim: What the fuck you talkin' about?! Sgt. Yates: [enunciating] Your name is Dr. Janus! Tuong Lu Kim: You people crazy! [Billy takes over] Listen to them! It's true! [Mean Guy takes over] Truth hurts, doesn't it, Janus! [Dr. Janus takes over] Who are you people?! Why are you all here?! Mr. Takiyama: How could I ret myself berieve white man was a Chinese?! I have brought shame upon myself! [gets on the balcony and jumps off] Nooooo, this is racial stereotaipuuu! [crashes into his own restaurant, destroying it and dying upon impact] Scene Description: Park County Police station, night. The police are talking to Butters and his parents Steven: So you're telling us that Dr. Janus has been the owner of City Wok all this time? Sgt. Yates: That's right. Of all his multiple personalities, the strongest was Lu Kim. And we never would have known... if it hadn'ta been for Inspector Butters. [the other officers present give Butters a round of applause.] Butters: Thanks. I'm just glad the whole thing is over and done. Maybe now poor old Dr. Janus can finally get the help he needs. Steven: Yes Butters. Thanks to you, maybe Dr. Janus can get back to his real self. Sgt. Yates: [walks off] Yes, I'm sure he could. But, then again, [stops, then turns around] does the world really need another therapist? Steven: Whattaya mean? Sgt. Yates: Well I mean, would it really be so bad for us to just let him go on thinking he's Lu Kim forever? Now that City Sushi is gone, City Wok is the only Chinese restaurant left in town. Desk officer: Oh yeah. Black officer: Yeah. Let's just let him keep believing he's a Chinese man. Sgt. Yates: Done! Other officers: Good! Alright! Alright! Yeah! Blond officer: Detective, he's asking for a blanket. Is that alright? Sgt. Yates: Go ahead. We're gonna process him and get him back to the restaurant. [the officer who conveyed the request carries a blanket back to Tuong Lu Kim's cell. He enters...] Tuong Lu Kim: Thank you. [...and leaves. The guard by the door locks it] "Oooooo, I hate Japanese people! They try and shut down my Shitty Wok, but they never wiiiiill. They're probably all ratching me, the Japanese. Ret them! I'm not even gonan swat that fryyy. They'll see. And they'll say 'Wow, that Shitty Wok owner. Why, he wouldn't even harm a fryyyyy.'" [City Wok is shown one more time]

Scene Description: Whistlin' Willy's, day. The boys are singing "Happy Birthday" to Stan. After that, Stan blows out the two Terrance and Phillip candles adorning the cake. Sharon takes a picture Boys: Yay! [Liane sits next to Cartman with a camera of her own] Cartman: Alright now, open presents! Open presents! Butters: Yeah! Open mine first Stan! It's the red one! [Stan reaches over and opens it] Cartman: Where's mine? Where's mine where's mine where's mine? Liane: [reaches under the table and gives Cartman a gift] Here you go, sweetie. Cartman: Yaaaay! Kyle: Wait wait it-it's Stan's birthday. Liane: Yes. Every time somebody gets a birthday present Eric gets one too. [in a softer voice] Otherwise, he gets a little upset. Cartman: [eagerly opening his own gift] What'd I get what'd I get what'd I get? Kyle: Oh God... Stan: [opening his gift] Oh cool, Legos. Thanks, Butters. Butters: I know how you like Legos. Happy birthday! Cartman: Oh cool! I got a racing game for Xbox! [Speed Zone for XBOX 360] D'you guys see that? Coool, huh? Kyle: Here, this one's from me, Stan. Stan: Oh thanks, dude. Cartman: Stan's getting another present, Mom. Liane: Here you are, muffin. [throws up another gift] Cartman: Yaaaay! [rips the wrapper off] Oh cool, look. A Ben 10 Wrist Rocket! This is exactly what I wanted for Stan's birthday! What'd you get Stan? Stan: Oh cool, is this the new Gersploosh album? Kyle: Yeah dude! Sharon: [walks up behind Stan] Uh, hold it. Is that a Tween Wave band? Kyle: Yeah they're the best! Sharon: Sorry, Stan. you know you're not allowed to listen to this stuff. Stan: Mom, I'm 10 years old now. Sharon: I've told you what I think of this music, Stanley. You have plenty of other gifts to enjoy. Cartman: Looks like somebody's on the rag, huh Mom? Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. Sharon is in the kitchen washing dishes. Randy peeks in from the dining room, then walks into the kitchen Randy: Sharon? Stan told me you took away his music CD at his birthday party. Sharon: Oh for crying out loud, I gave him a great party and that's all he cares about. Randy: Well, do you really think we should be telling our son what music he can and can't listen to? Sharon: Yes I do, if it's that stupid Tween Wave garbage! Randy: Tween Wave? Sharon: You haven't heard it? It's terrible! It's hardly even music; it just sounds like crap! Randy: Sharon, come on. Don't you remember being younger and having our parents say the music we liked sounded like crap? Sharon: This is different! Randy: [waits a few seconds] ...So. Here we are. Now we're the old people who think the younger generation's music sounds like shit. Sharon: [stops washing and turns around] It's... not because I'm older. I'm telling you, our music is better. Randy: [mimicking an elderly man] "Back in my day our music was better! Not this garbage the young 'un listen to. Warber warber warber." Sharon: Fine, Randy! [hands him the CD] You go listen to it and tell me you don't think it sounds like crap! [goes back to washing dishes] Randy: I'd love to. I'm not an old fuddy-duddy, Sharon. I'm still cool. [walks out and towards his den.] Scene Description: The den. Randy pops the CD into the CD drive on his computer, puts on his headphones, and listens. The song he hears starts with a good beat, and he bobs up and down ever so slightly to it, but then explosive diarrhea is heard, and Randy is startled. He makes sure it's not him farting or anything. Sharon appears at the doorway with hands on hips Sharon: Well, it sounds like crap, right?! Randy: Uh... NO I mean... [looks at Sharon] I like it. Sharon: Oh come on! That music sounds like shit! Randy: No, it's just... young and hip so you don't get it, Sharon. Sharon: Admit it, Randy! You think it sounds like crap too! Randy: It doesn't sound like crap at all! I think it's awesome! [turns towards the computer. Sharon walks away exasperated. Randy clicks his fingers, but the farts noises keep coming and Randy keeps wincing] Scene Description: CNN Headline News Anchorman: It's called Tween Wave, and if you're a parent your kids are probably listening to it. A new music genre for the era from 2009 through 2012. or "The Tweens." Every generation has their music, but many parents say Tween Wave sounds like crap. Man 1: It's just vulgar and stupid, you know? Music used to be good. Woman 1: This sounds like poo. Man 2: [an elderly man] I certainly don't understand kids' music today. Sounds like diarrhea to me. Anchorman: Kids however say they don't hear crap at all. Kid 1: Parents are dumb. Kid 2: They don't get it. Kid 1: They don't get it. Parents are stupid. Kid 3: Tween Wave is swick. Kid 4: Tweem Wave is super swick and parents don't get it, 'cause their ears are old. Kid 5: Parents are dumb. Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. The boys' parents are gathered in the living room except for Randy Sharon: We're sorry boys, but we have all decided that as of now, none of you are allowed to listen to Tween Wave music. Randy: [sitting with the boys] Ugh, that's so unfair! Kyle: But that's our music! We like it! Randy: Yeah it's good! Sheila: What's good about a bunch of crap sounds to a drumbeat? Stan: We don't know what you're talking about! It doesn't sound that way to us! Randy: Yeah it, it doesn't sound like that to us. Gerald: I wanna educate you kids with some real music. [pops in a CD of The Police's "Synchronicity"] This is The Police. Now you compare this to Tween pop and tell us which one you think is real music. [presses Play and "Every Breath You Take" starts up, but instead of lyrics you hear poop sounds] The boys: Yuck! Randy: What? Stan: That sounds like shit! Gerald: Whattaya mean it sounds like shit? This doesn't sound like shit. Kyle: Gross! Cartman: Turn it off dude! Scene Description: The Marsh house, night, Stan's room. Stan is in bed and Sharon is about to leave the room Sharon: Stanley I want you to understand that even though I won't let you listen to certain kinds of music, I still love you. Stan: I know, Mom. I love you too. Sharon: Soon you'll be old enough to make your own choices, but for now, I just don't want you listening to that stuff. Stan: It's okay, Mom. I understand. Sharon: That's very mature of you, Stanley. Goodnight, sweetie. [Stan turns away and closes his eyes.] Stan: 'Night. [Sharon turns off the lights and closes the door. A few seconds later, Stan opens his eyes and looks at the door to make sure his mom isn't looking at him. Then he reaches under the mattress and pulls out his iPod] Haha. [listens to some music. Soon some shitty sounds creep in] Ugh. [tries some other tracks, but each one has poop noises in it. He sits up] What the hell? [tries more tracks, but all he hears now is shit] Scene Description: The bus stop, day. Kenny, Cartman, and Kyle are listening to songs on their iPods Kyle: [to Cartman] Oh dude! Dude, this is the part I was talking about. Check out the bassline on this! [has Cartman listen to his song] Cartman: Oh yeah, that one's cool. [gets into the rhythm] Yeah, this part's killer. [looks like he's exercising] Kyle: [seeing Stan approach] Hey Stan. [hands Cartman his iPod] Stan: Hey dudes. Kyle: Dude, have you really listened to the sixth track? I think it's my new favorite. Stan: Yeah, yeah I've listened to it. Um, Kyle, can I talk to you alone for a second? Kyle: Sure. [they walk off to a small clearing] What's up? Stan: Kyle, I have to admit something to you. You know how I told you over the phone I like the new Gersploosh album? I lied. I don't like it. I don't like it at all, Kyle. Kyle: Oh. Really? Um well that's okay. Stan: No, you don't understand dude. Something's happened. Tween Wave doesn't sound the same to me. Kyle: Why? What's it sound like? Stan: It... kind of sounds like shit. Kyle: What? You mean like you don't like the singing, or the lyrics, or what? Stan: No. I mean it sounds like somebody is shitting in my ears. Please, just listen really close. [has Kyle listen to a track] You don't hear shit? Kyle: No. Stan: That doesn't sound like shit to you? Kyle: NO. Dude, maybe you should see a doctor. Scene Description: A doctor's office, day. Stan took Kyle's advice. A doctor is checking Stan's ears Stan: And so then I put on exactly the same album that I really like a year ago, and it sounded like shit to me. Doctor Caroll: Uh huh, and what about food? Are some of the things you thought tasted good tasting like shit to you now, too? Stan: Yeah. I used to love these Pop Rock things, and I tried them the other day and I thought they tasted like shit. Doctor Caroll: [reads his medical file] This says you had a birthday recently? Stan: I just turned 10. Doctor Caroll: Well, that makes sense. You see Stan, as you get older, your eardrums, taste buds, all that stuff develops and changes. Stan: So this is normal? Doctor Caroll: It's very normal. Let's just do a quick ear exam. I'm gonna play some Tween Wave music and you tell me what you hear. [plays some music, with lots of fart sounds] What's that sound like to you? Stan: Sounds like shit. Doctor Caroll: Aha. Now I'm going to play you some good ole Bob Dylan. [plays a Dylan track. Dylan gets through three syllables before fart sounds replace him.] Stan: Uh that sounds like shit too. Doctor Caroll: Wait, this sounds like shit to you? Stan: Yeah dude, it's just shit. Doctor Caroll: Well that's very strange. [turns off the player] Hm, I'm gonna try somethin' else. [takes two pictures up to Stan] Look at these two pictures. One of them is an ad for Kevin James' new movie The Zookeeper, and the other is a turd in a microwave. Which one is the ad for The Zookeeper? Stan: They both look the same. [true enough, except for the turds] Doctor Caroll: You don't see any difference in the pictures? Stan: No. Doctor Caroll: [holds up the picture in his right hand] That is an ad for The Zookeeper and [holds up the picture in his left hand] that is a turd about to be reheated. Stan: They both look like turds about to be reheated to me. Doctor Caroll: Oh dear. I think I know what this is. You see Stan, as you get older, things that you used to like start looking and sounding like shit. And things that seemed shitty as a child don't seem as shitty. With you, somehow, the wires have gotten crossed and everything looks and sounds like shit to you. It's a condition called "being a cynical asshole." Stan: Oh no. Doctor Caroll: Yes. And there's no known cure, I'm afraid. Everything just seems shitty, and everyone starts to seem shitty, and everything they say just starts to [sounds shitty now, and Stan can't believe his ears. Soon, shit comes out of the doctor's mouth and Stan is more horrified] Scene Description: Randy's den, night. Randy has transformed it into a mancave, with disco ball and clothes strewn everywhere. Randy is reading Rolling Stone and listening to Tween Wave music through his headphones Sharon: [walking by] Randy, do you mind cleaning up the garage like I asked you? Randy: Get out of my room! I'm listening to my music! Gau! Sharon: Stop pretending to like the kids' music, Randy! It's pathetic! You know damn well it sounds like crap to you too! Randy: No it doesn't sound like crap to me! [one pooping sound and the headphones are off] Ugh. [gets up and walks around angrily] Sharon: Randy, don't you see what this is? You had dreams of being a rock star when you were younger, now you can't admit the next generation's music sounds shitty, it's called "getting older", Randy. It's okay. Randy: That's not true! I think Tween Wave music is complex and awesome and it speaks to my youthful rebellious spirit, Sharon! Sharon: It's crap, Randy! It's so simple and stupid that anybody could play it! Randy: Anybody could play it. Do you really think so? Scene Description: The bowling alley, night. "Steamy Ray Vaughn", who turns out to be Randy, is performing. Randy is tuning up when he turns to face his audience Randy: Hey everybody. Wanna thank you all for coming tonight. My name's Steamy Ray Vaughn and here's a little bit of Rattlesnake. [presses the play button] A-1 2 3 4! I've got a fever but it's under control! [fart noises, courtesy of his own butt] I said I've got a fever need to take it kind of slow [more fart noises. A janitor listens in] I've got a fever but it's out of control. Ga ga, ga ga, la ga ga ga. [more fart noises.] Bar Patron: You suck! Randy: No, you just don't understand Tween Wave 'cause you're old! [more fart noises.] Scene Description: A ranch, day. Two elderly men stand at a fence. One of them is the janitor Janitor/Farmer 1: Did you know we're livin' in the Tween time? Farmer 2: Nah, I'd a heard that. Janitor/Farmer 1: Guess it's the period between 2009 and 2013. They call it the Tweens. So they got this feller down at the bowling alley? He gets up on the stage an' shits his britches. Farmer friend 2: What fer? Janitor/Farmer 1: I don't know. But he gets up there and strums a gueetar and then starts loadin' his britches up like it's goin' out of style. [sniffs] It's like some kind of britches holocaust. Feller calls himself Steamy Ray Vaughn. Farmer 2: You mean that guy that plays the blues and died in an airplane crash? Janitor/Farmer 1: Nnooh. That's Stevie Ray Vaughn. Steamy Ray Vaughn just shits his britches. Scene Description: Kyle's house, night. Kyle is playing a video game as Cartman and Kenny look on Cartman: Ohooh dude, sweet! Tackle him! Kenny: (Get him!) Kyle: Alright guys, do you think he's lying or telling the truth? Cartman: He's lying, dude. Hit X Kenny: (No, he's telling the truth) [Stan walks in] Stan: Hey guys. Kyle: Hey, Stan. What did the doctor say? Stan: He said I have cynicism? Cartman: What's that? Stan: Something you can get when you get older but, it's stupid. I'm not cynical. All the doctor wants is a paycheck. I went to him for help and he just stood there spouting a bunch of shit. Kyle: Oh. Well, come on, we're playing L.A. Noire. Stan: Agh, that shitty game? Who plays video games to listen to a bunch of characters talk and press the X button? Cartman: Oh, ask him about the murder now, Kyle. Kyle: Yeah, we got him! Stan: How can people say this game is cool? It doesn't even matter what choices you make. Kenny: (Hit the X button, Kyle!) Kyle: We're gonna level up to detective! Stan: That's such a shitty device to keep people playing. Kyle: Alright, ahhh, why don't we do something else? Scene Description: So the boys are now in a diner eating sundaes Stan: [looking at his chocolate sundae] Aw, dude, this looks like shit. Kyle: You don't wanna eat it? Stan: It just looks like shit to me, a bunch of processed, gooey shit. Cartman: Look like ice cream to me. Kyle: Erm, okay, I know. How about we go to the mall? Stan: Ugh, bunch of people trying to sell us a bunch of shit. Kyle: Ugh, okay Stan, what do you wanna do? Stan: What, oh I don't care, I'm cool with whatever. Scene Description: The bowling alley, night. Steamy Ray Vaughn is back in performing. The janitor and his farmer friend are present Randy: City bog. Too much, too much city bop. Too much too much too much [puts the mic to his ass and farts into it] Farmer friend 2: Lord, I ain't never seen britches take a whoopin' like that. Janitor/Farmer 1: I told you. Them britches don't stand a chance. Randy: City bop! City yeah! [more fart sounds, and the song ends] Thank you! Thank you so much! I'd like to uh, bring up a special guest now. The other night I was chatting in a Tween Wave chatroom, because I do love Tween Wave so much, and I uh started chattin' with this nice lady who also really like her kids' Tween Wave music and... turns out she's a real talented artist as well. Please welcome Miss Steamy Nicks. Steamy Nicks: [sounding a lot like a goat] Thank you, thank you so much. [Randy presses play and a song begins] Farmer friend 2: Wait now, who's that lady? Janitor/Farmer 1: That there's Steamy Nicks. Farmer friend 2: You mean that gal who played for Fleetwood Mac and wrote that song "Landslide"? Janitor/Farmer 1: Nnooh, that's Stevie Nicks. Steamy Nicks just shits her britches. [sure enough, she does this, and Randy joins her a second later] Randy: Yoyoyo! [more fart sounds] Sharon: [enters the bowling alley and heads straight for Randy] Who the hell is that woman, Randy?! What the hell do you think you're doing?! Janitor/Farmer 1: I agree. Why don't you leave them poor britches alone? Farmer friend 2: Them britches have had enough! Scene Description: Ronny's Diner, day. Stan is in a booth, all alone. A waitress comes up Waitress: All alone today? Stan: Yeah it sucks. All my friends are sick with the flu. Waitress: Well, what can I get you? Stan: Do you have anything on the menu that doesn't taste like shit? Waitress: A little young to be so pessimistic, aren't ya kid? Stan: Why? There's nothing but shit on TV, video games are all shit, and the world's a big turd. The only thing that doesn't seem like total shit to me are my friends, and they're all sick. Just, get me a cheeseburger and tell the chef to go easy on the shit. [just outside, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny walk by, not noticing Stan in the diner. Stan, on the other hand, notices them walk by. He quickly leaves the booth and catches up with them outside, where they're happily talking about something.] Kyle: [laughing] I know! That's so hilarious! Stan: I thought you guys were sick! [the other boys don't know what to say] Cartman: ...Uh we'll let you catch up to us, Kyle. Come on, Kenny. [Cartman and Kenny turn and walk away. Stan approaches Kyle] Stan: Dude, you totally lied to me! Kyle: No, ah I didn't lie to you. Ah I was um... uh I felt better and then the guys called and said that they felt better and uh- Stan: Where were you guys going?! Kyle: Alright dude, we were going to the movies. Stan: Why didn't you tell me? I wanna go to the movies. Kyle: Look, Stam, we-we just wanted to be able to go to the movies and enjoy ourselves, you know? I'm sorry but... you're a bummer to be around. Everything is "that looks like shit" and, and "this is shitty!" Stan: You guys... don't wanna be around me? Kyle: Look dude, it's just one movie. We wanna have a good time. Stan: Please, Kyle, I can change my attitude. I promise. Let me go to the movies with you. Kyle: [thinks about it, then sighs] Okay. But you've gotta promise to not complain. Stan: I won't say a word. Scene Description: The Bijou theater, day. X-Men: First Class is playing. Inside, the theater is barely a fourth full. The boys sit in the third row. Stan: Oh shit. Scene Description: The Bijou theater, later on Stan: Jesus, how long before they start this Goddamned thing?! [apparently trailers are still playing] Cartman: Oh cool, the movie trailers! Scene Description: First trailer Announcer: Adam Sandler is Jack. Adam Sandler is Jill. [Jack and Jill are at a well, and Jill poops on Jack... and they both look like turds] Stan: Awww God! [squeezes his eyes shut and puts his hand over them] Kyle: Dude, you said you wouldn't say everything looked like shit! Stan: Sorry if I see things for what they are! Ok- okay, okay, I'm sorry. Scene Description: Second trailer Announcer: [a toilet bowl spews out shit] This November, Adam Sandler shits in your eyes, ears, and mouth. [Some eyes, ear, and mouth are shown separately, and poop lands on each of them] It's Adam Sandler in Pbbbbbt, rated Arg for pirates. Fuck you! Cartman: That looks pretty good. Stan: How can you say that looks good?! Kyle: Shhh, you're doing it again! Scene Description: Third trailer Announcer: Jim Carrey has a bunch of turds in his apartment. [dancing turds that create turd sounds, at that] Stan: [shields his eyes from the shit] Ugh. Cartman: Stan, knock it off! Stan: But it's just crap. Kyle: No, they're penguins! Stop it! Announcer: [shots of Carrey carrying two turds, slipping on another turd, then taking a crap while two turds look on] It's Jim Carrey in Whatever, You'll Pay To Go See It. Fuck you! July 12. Scene Description: Fourth trailer Announcer: The President of the United States... is a duck?? [the duck pops up and opens its beak, which issues forth lots of shit] A duck is President and the whole country is goin' to the dogs. [two dogs are shown. One of them has his ass to the camera, and it begins to poop] Or whatever, the President is a dog. [the dog and duck now stand before a U.S. flag] Who cares? Coming June something. [a bunch of poop hits the scene, landing on the dog and duck and spelling out "JUNE"] Stan: Oh come on, people! Kyle: That's it, Stan! I'm not sitting through a whole movie with you! [leaves his seat and walks out. Kenny and Cartman follow suit] Stan: Oh dude dude wait, I'm sorry. Cartman: No, Kyle's right. You suck, dude. Stan: Me?! Did you see that shit?! Scene Description: The Bijou, outside. Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman turn to leave the theater when Stan catches up to them. Stan: Hang on guys! Cartman: Dude, we don't wanna hang out with you anymore! Get it through your head! [he and Kenny leave. Kyle stays behind] Stan: Kyle? Kyle: [turns around] Dude, you've... you've changed. Stan: I haven't changed, the world has. Don't you see it? Kyle: No. And I don't want to. Look Stan, maybe we should fo- [poop starts coming out of his mouth and spewing all over the place. He then turns into a huge turd - this is how Stan sees him. The rest of us see him normally. Stan turns and walks away. Kyle turns and walks away in the opposite direction] Scene Description: The Marsh house, night. Randy and Sharon can be seen arguing through the living room windows Randy: You don't get it, Sharon! You never have! And that's supposed to be my fault?! Sharon: Yes, it IS your fault, Randy, because you're a child! Randy: I'm sick of everything I do being so wrong, Sharon! Sharon: I'm sick of having to...for this! You're 42 years old, Randy! Randy: I'm not dead yet Sharon, but you might be! Sharon: Oh is that what you think?! That I'm dead?! Scene Description: across the street, behind some bushes, the two elderly men are there observing the argument Farmer friend 2: What do you suppose is goin' on in there? Janitor/Farmer 1: Sound like Steamy Ray Vaughn is goin' at it with his wife over Steamy Nicks. Farmer friend 2: You... sure you wanna do this? Janitor/Farmer 1: We got to now, if their fightin' is our best chance tuh save them britches. Scene Description: back in the house Sharon: You do this all the time! First you're obsessed with baseball fights! Then you need to play Warcraft! Then you gotta be a celebrity chef! [the two men slide a side window up ever so quietly, go in, and sneak upstairs] Randy: Why can't you ever just support me?! Sharon: Support what?! Another stupid dream of yours?! Randy: Face it Sharon, our son turned 10 and you feel old! Sharon: WHAT does our son turning 10 have to do with you making the same mistakes again and again?! Randy: Because I'm unhappy, okay?! I've been unhappy for a long time! [Sharon reflects on this for a moment and her voice goes soft] Sharon: I'm unhappy too. We both are, obviously. How much longer can we keep doing this? It's like, the same shit just happens over and over and, then in a week it just all resets until- it happens again. Every week it's kind of the same story in a different way but it, it just keeps getting more and more ridiculous. Janitor/Farmer 1: [the two men sneak out the way they came in] Come on britches, we're settin' you free. Randy: I don't know if I've changed or you have. I just feel like I might not have a whole lot of time left and... I want to enjoy it. Sharon: I want to enjoy it too, but... I can't fake it anymore. You just seem kind of shitty to me. Randy: You kind of seem shitty to me too. Sharon: People get older, Randy. People grow apart. Scene Description: Stevie Nicks' "Landslide" begins to play. Stan is seen at Stark's Pond looking at it from a bench. Kyle walks up to Stan, but keeps some distance from him, then turns around and walks away. Stan looks at a flower... which has a huge turd growing from it. A bee lands on it. At the house, Shelly and Sharon pack away everything in the kitchen. Later, Randy explains things to Stan as Stan's dresser is being moved. Later, a realtor sets a "FOR SALE" sign in place - four bedrooms, two bathrooms, kitchen, back yard. She finishes and walks away. Randy is driving a U-Haul truck and watches the house fade in the distance through the driver's rear-view mirror. Sharon and her kids move into a new place. Sharon works on her room and gives Stan the box for his room. Stan later sits in a swing in the new yard. A small sandlot is nearby. Instead of a wooden fence, the new place has a wrought-iron fence. Stan looks up at the sun, which is a glowing massive turd. Stan is then seen at the cafeteria sitting at a table with a bunch of turds that are supposed to be his classmates. All the food looks like shit too. At night the police arrest the Britches Bandits, the two men who stole Randy's underwear, and take the underwear in for evidence. Cartman and Kyle play a game on Kyle's sofa. They look at each other and seem to reach a mutual understanding, since they smile at each other. Stan walks all alone in South Park and passes a duck in a tux. He stops and looks at the duck, who keeps walking. It looks at him and quacks out shit, which lands on him. The last scene is Stan lying in his new bed, in his new bedroom, looking up at the ceiling.

Scene Description: Daytime at the apartment building Sharon and her kids moved into the last episode. Stan's clock read 6:59 AM. Inside his window you can see Whistlin' Willy's, and beyond that, the South Park Library. Stan had moved to Downtown South Park. The clock strikes 2 and the radio comes on, waking him up. A morning variety radio show comes on Big Harry: Oh that's funny, that's real funny. Big Harry and Mike in the Morning talkin' about the new hit movie [poop sounds], a great comedy, starring [poop sounds] and [poop sounds]. Mike: I saw the movie last night, Big Harry, and it made me laugh so hard! This movie's about a [poop sounds] heh, he was suddenly all like [poop sounds] Aw, man it's great! Big Harry: Big Harry and Mike in the Morning. We'll talk more about it but let's get to some music. The new Tween Wave band [poop sounds] with their song [poop sounds. The song begins to play. Stan sits up and turns the radio off] Scene Description: Stan sits still for a few seconds, then still half-awake he goes into the shower and just stands there without taking off his hat. Later, he's at table as Sharon prepares breakfast for him. Shelly is sitting right in front of the TV eating cereal Announcer: Coming this fall to Fox/CBS/FX. Jurassic Park and Lost in the same TV show! [poop sounds] Dinosaurs! [poop sounds] Lost Humans! [poop sounds] Future, yes! [poop sounds] Scene Description: Sharon serves Stan his breakfast, which looks to Stan like a long tube of poop topped with a butter square. Stan just look at it, still half-asleep Sharon: Stanley, eat your waffles. [Stan gets his knife and fork and cuts into the waffles, then starts eating.] Scene Description: The sidewalk, morning. Stan has finished breakfast and is headed for the school bus stop with his head down. Be begins to hear the other boys as he draws near Kyle: Oh shut up Cartman! You don't even know what you're talking about! Cartman: Oh yeah! I saw it on the news, Kyle! The school is gonna make us all get shots again! [at this point Stan stops and stands alongside the other boys, but he's still looking at the ground] But this time it's so that we don't get warts in our vaginas! Kenny: (Are you serious?!) Cartman: Yep! Kyle: That's only a vaccination for girls, stupid! Cartman: Then why are they sayin' that gettin' vaccinated at school is gonna make us all retarded? Kyle: [sighs gruffly] Because some people think vaccinations can give you autism or Asperger's! Cartman: Wait what? Kyle: That's what they're talking about on the news! Cartman: Wait, there's a disease called Assburgers? Kyle: Yes! Cartman: You are so lying! There's no disease called fuckin' Assburgers! Kyle: You wanna bet? [begins to move off] Let's go ask my Dad right now! Cartman: Okay, you're on, Jew! [he and Kenny follow Kyle away. Several seconds later, the bus shows up and Stan gets on. He takes an empty seat and no one sits next to him. He leans against the window, looking very sad] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Fourth Grade. Stan is in class, looking sad, and the seats that would hold Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman are empty. Mr. Garrison: And so children, at noon today, all the girls will go to the gymnasium for their vaccinations, and boys will head on out to recess. [on the blackboard he had written "HPV Vaccination Day"] Butters: Do the girls get their shots right in the vagina? Mr. Garrison: No. Butters, that's not how it works. Officer Barbrady: [offscreen] Mr. Garrison, [now onscreen] these three boys were caught playing hooky. Cartman: Did you guys know there's actually a disease called Assburgers? [Stan is hearing everything as if from a distance] Mr. Garrison: Sit down boys, we'll talk about this later. Right now we're talking about vaginal warts. Wendy: This isn't fair! How can the school make us get vaccinated? Butters: You mean little hamburgers grow in your butthole? Cartman: That's right, it's a butt fungus. Butters: Well I don't want burgers comin' out of my butt! Stan: [in an angry outburst] God, shut up! Everyone just shut the fuck up! [looks around glaring at everyone, who look back at him, stunned] Scene Description: Mr. Mackey's office, moments later Mr. Mackey: M'kay, Stan, you, you've gotta try and pull yourself out of this, m'kay? I know that... your parents recently got divorced. M'kay, that's gotta be hard. I know that's... that's bad. But when you walk around all mopey, m'kay, and sayin' everything is... just shitty, well, that's called bein' a Debbie Downer, Stan. And nobody likes a Debbie Downer, m'kay. ...I mean you've gotta, you've gotta snap out of it, Debbie. Come on, Debbie, you're even bummin' me out now, m'kay? Your attitude just- just sucks. Stan: [after a few seconds' silence] I just want everything to go back to the way it was. Mr. Mackey: Okay, well, that's not gonna happen, Debbie. Okay, you know, uh life, life has to change, m'kay? Stan: How?... When all the things that made you laugh, just make you sick. How do you go on when nothing makes you happy? [tears start to well up around his eyes] Mr. Mackey: Huh... e-excuse me a minute, Stan. m'kay? [stands up, goes to his desk, picks up his phone and starts dialing] Uh, hi, Ms. Bronski? Did we vaccinate Stan for the flu last year? We did? Uh oh... I think he's got Asperger's. Scene Description: Breaking News Announcer: This is breaking news, from CNN! Or Fox or, whatever. [The logos for Fox News, CNN, and MSNBC go by] Fuck you. Anchor: The first documented case of a child developing Asperger syndrome from school vaccinations [a shot of a syringe and the words "ASPERGER'S SYNDROME" appear] has put the government in a tight spot. [a shot of Stan] At a press conference today the media heard from the young boy's father, Steamy Ray Vaughn. Randy: It's pretty shitty when you work so hard to be a great parent, and then the "government" comes along and with one shot turns your child into a "mentally incapacitated" freak! I mean look at him. He's disinterested, depressed, self-loathing. It's most likely the reason his mother and I got divorced! Anchor: In response to the embarrassment, the President of the United States has passed "Stan's Bill," putting an end to school-mandated vaccinations. Scene Description: At the White House Aide 1: Mr. President, the bill is ready. [the duck, wearing a tailor-made suit, quacks, with shit splattering out of its mouth] Aide 2: Just sign right here, Mr. President. [the duck quacks again, splattering shit all over the document] Aide 1: Aaand if you could just sign this one as well, Mr. President. [the duck quacks again, splattering shit all over the second document. The parties involved gather for a quick photo opportunity] Anchor: It is yet unknown if any other children have contracted from the vaccinations, but if so, multimillion-dollar lawsuits are probably not far behind. Scene Description: Cartman's house, morning. He's in the kitchen cooking up a bunch of burgers. He's got two patties in a large pan, and he begins to sing. Cartman: Turn on your heart light. Let it shine wherever you go. Let it make a happy glow- Scene Description: South Park Elementary. Cartman approaches the nurse's office, having gotten excused from class. He stops, clears his throat, and enters. He starts to moan as he approaches the examination bed. He hops on and sits down Nurse Bronski: Eric, what is it this time? Cartman: [coughing somewhat] Fever... Light... lightheadedness... I don't know what's wrong with me. Nurse Bronski: [puts down her notepad and starts examining him] You don't feel warm. Cartman: Oh, that's a relief. I thought maybe I had a fever but I- oh OH. Oh my buns! There's a sharp pain in my buns! Nurse Bronski: Can you lay on your stomach? Cartman: I-I'll try. I'll try. [lays on his stomach. The nurse sees something under his pants and pulls them back.] Nurse Bronski: What the? [pulls back the briefs and pulls out a wrapped item, then unwraps it] What is this? A hamburger? [indeed, that's what she's holding] Cartman: A what?? Nurse Bronski: [pulls out another hamburger] Why are there hamburgers in your underwear? Cartman: Are you serious? How can there be- [sighs] Oh my God! You're saying I have assburgers?? Nurse Bronski: [pulls out a third hamburger] This doesn't make sense. Are you trying to sneak food into the school or something? Cartman: What are you talking about?? I got vaccinated from the school, and now clearly I have Assburgers! Nurse Bronski: Very funny! Cartman: Well I'm glad you think Assburgers is funny! Just note my condition on your records there! Nurse Bronski: Get out of my office! Scene Description: The school hallway. Kyle is at his locker as Wendy approaches. Wendy: Hey Kyle? [immediately he knows what she's going to ask] Have you heard anything at all from Stan? Kyle: I've tried, Wendy. I've called him, I've been to his house. But since his diagnosis, all he's done is gotten worse. Wendy: I don't know what to do. It's like he's... completely turned off. Boy 1: Those two should just screw and get it over with! Boy 2: Yeaahh... Kyle: I can't keep doing it, Wendy. I know he has an illness, but goddamn, it uh, it's like being around a black hole that just sucks the life out of everything. Wendy: Look, maybe what we should do is all go over to his house together, an-and that way we could- Kyle: [puts his notebook away and closes his locker door] NO. I can't, Wendy. [walking away] All his negativity is starting to make me depressed. I have to let him go. [stops] And whatever happens next, I'm going to embrace with a totally [makes a fist with his right hand and pounds it into his left palm] positive attitude. Cartman: [rounds a corner and walks past Wendy and Kyle] Godamned stupid school nurse! Heartless bitch! Kyle: What's the matter dude? Cartman: [stops and backs up] I spent all morning making hamburgers for nothing! That's what's the matter! Kyle: You made hamburgers? Well that's awesome! I'd love one. [reaches for a burger and bites into it. That burger might have been in Cartman's underwear] Mmm. Hm, wow [swallows] This is really good, Cartman. Cartman: Really? Kyle: Yeah. [a girl walks by] Hey Riley! Try this hamburger. [hands her a burger] Cartman made them himself. Riley: [unwraps and eats it] Wow. What is that? Kyle: Seriously, Cartman. You could make money with these! Cartman: Gee, thanks Kyle! Scene Description: Asperger's Research Center, day. A researcher takes Sharon and Stan on a tour of the facility Researcher: The truth is we still know very little about Asperger syndrome, Mrs. Marsh. All our patients here show the same social awkwardness that your son exhibits. [they stop next to a seated man who has wrapped his legs behind his neck and is making bubbles with bubble solution and farts] Good morning Mr. Mathers. Mr. Mathers: Goodbye, doctor [farts into the blower] Researcher: [signs and moves on] It's as if they all have an inability to distinguish from what is socially acceptable and what is not. [they stop by a man urinating on a wall. Sharon and Stan notice what he's doing] We've got a new patient, Martin. I want you to meet Stan. Martin: [turns around, still urinating, and Stan gets peed on] Nice to meet you. Researcher: [moves on. Martin faces the wall again] Here at the treatment center, our focus is on awareness. [Stan shakes his head to get the piss off] Asperger's is serious, but unfortunately because of its name people think it's a disease to be made fun of. [the researcher opens a door to Room 209, a room of adults who are mentally deficient in one way or another. The adults are doing odd things and making odd sounds. He enters as Sharon and Stan look on a bit worried.] Alright everyone, let's have a seat. [Martin comes in, still urinating, and takes a seat. Stan finds a spot on a sofa and sits there.] Oh uh, we'll be done at about 5 pm, Mrs. Marsh. I'll call if it's any earlier. Sharon: Oh, right, uh. Good bye, Stan. I-I love you. [leaves and closes the door. Everyone sits in silence for a few minutes, then] Researcher: Alright, are we clear? Neo: We're clear! [everyone begins to move normally and arm themselves. They turn into Matrix characters] Morpheus: Watch that window, Puck! [Neo gets into position by the window] Everyone, make sure this room isn't bugged! [the others seal the room] Alright Stan, listen up! We don't have a lot of time! You've been told Asperger's is real! It isn't! It's just a front we use to stay hidden! Stan: Wait, it's not a real illness? Morpheus: Of course not! If there was a social development disease, you wouldn't call it Asperger's! That's just, that's just mean! [Stan says silent] There's a big war going on out there, Stan, and we want you to join our fight to bring it all down! Stan: [gets off the sofa and walks towards the door] Uh, nooo nonono, we're not doing this! Morpheus: You've broken through their reality and they don't like it! Others deserve to know the truth! You see everything as shit, don't you?! [Stan stops in his tracks, astounded] Where other people see fun movies and hear cool music, all you see and hear is shit! Am I right? Stan: [turns around] Yeah. Neo: So do we. All of us here. We know the truth too. Morpheus: We found a way to make it stop, Stan. Now are you interested? Or not? Scene Description: Cartman Burger, day. Cartman has set up a burger stand in front of his house. Burgers are $5 each. Butters and Kenny are dressed in Cartman Burger uniforms and are helping Cartman run the stand, with Kyle at the grill. To Cartman's left is a booth made from a large Thompson delivery box that now houses a secret last process in burger preparation. A bunch of kids have already gathered and are eating the hottest thing in the neighborhood. Among the bunch are Scott, Craig, Kevin, and Lola. Kevin has just bought his burger and chips Cartman: Next order, please! Get your Cartman Burgers here, fresh and flavorful. Clyde: [walking by eating a burger] I just can't believe how yummy these are. Cartman: There you go, Molly, and a bag of chips. Molly: Thanks! Cartman: How are we doing on those patties, Jew? Kyle: About three minutes, fatass! Cartman: Nice! Butters: Jeez, we're out of finished burgers again, Eric. We need more. Cartman: It's alright. I think another batch is just finishing off in our top-secret flavor enhancer. Kyle: [rushes up in time to stop him] Dude, come on Cartman. As employees, don't you think we should get to see what the final secret flavor enhancer is? Cartman: I'm sorry Kyle, but if we compromise our final cooking process, then our patented flavor will be everywhere, and we'll have to go back to school. Now, let me get those hamburgers. [Kyle may have noticed, but he doesn't say anything about the burgers stuffed down behind Cartman's ass and legs. Cartman goes into the booth, and moments later comes out with a fresh batch of finished burgers] Alright, these are good to go! [More kids have gathered. Among them are Esther, Heidi, Red, Bill, and Tommy.] Scene Description: Asperger's Research Center, day. The people there set up their secret headquarters - computers, monitors, probes, etc. Morpheus: Alright, is he ready to be sent in? Bald guy: He's ready! Beta levels are normal. Stan: Who are you people? Morpheus: We are the Secret Society of Cynics. [walks off a bit and sighs] Everything looks like shit to you, right? What if I were to tell you... that you're seeing the world the way it actually is? Stan: Huh? Morpheus: The world around us has all completely turned to shit. But aliens are putting out a brainwave that keeps most people seeing a false reality Stan: Aliens? Morpheus: Or, robots from the future, whatever. The point is they need to keep everyone in a blissful state of ignorance. Neo 2: Yeah. Everything used to be awesome and cool, but now everything's gone to shit and nobody knows except us! Neo: Yeah! Stan: Because of aliens? [crosses his arms] Morpheus: Or genetically altered humans, whatever, fuck you! All that matters is that you are the key to bringing this whole thing down. They know who we are, but they won't be expecting you! Are you ready to go back into the illusionary world you once lived in? Stan: Yeah I'm ready! Morpheus: Let's send him in! [a member of the society prepares a drink for Stan - whiskey on the rocks - and gives it to Morpheus, who hands it over to Stan] Drink this. [Stan hesitates, then takes it and drinks it down. He steps outside and everything is as lovely as it ever was. No signs of shit anywhere.] Stan: Ahhhh! [walks around town looking at it with a new sense of wonder, but his walking is off] Oh coool! Scene Description: in a theater viewing an Adam Sandler film Adam Sandler: Jill, you got a date with Al Pacino? Jill: I think Al Pacino wants to play Twister with your sister. Stan: [laughs rather heartily, looking drunk] Adam Sandler's funny. Scene Description: Cartman Burger, day. A crowd of kids has gathered, either enjoying their burgers or waiting in line. The little stand has been replaced by a bigger, studier stand, with a wooden awning along the façade and a covered area behind it. Some makeshift tables have been set out. Butters isn't present yet Butters: [approaches Kyle] Hey Kyle, you have a visitor. [Kyle leaves to see who it is] Kyle: Stan? [Stan is looking away, drunk] Stan: [sees him] Kyle! [falls into Kyle's arms] Kyle: Hey, Stan! Stan: [his speech is slurred] Dude, I'm sorry. I've been a shitty friend. I miss my buddy. You were right: Adam Sandler is fuckin' hysterical! Kyle: Stan, are you alright? Stan: Yeah dude, I totally get it now. I can see how lame I was saying everything was, was shit. Kyle: Really? Uh, Stan, that's great. [smiles. Cartman leans back and looks over from the stand] Stan: [squints his eyes] But Kyle, it's all shit! For real! It's all shit 'cause the aliens with AI and you and me are gonna fuck it all up! Come on! [turns around excitedly] Kyle: Dude. Have you been drinking? Stan: You're not listening to me, Kyle. Dude, we have to go do this one thing, and then everything can go back to normal! Kyle: It's too late for that. Things just can't go back, Stan, uh. [Cartman takes a quick order, then looks back at Stan and Kyle] Ah-I'm with Cartman Burger now. Stan: ...Dude, Cartman Burger? Seriously? How shitty- is that fuckin' concept? [Cartman walks over, drying his hands off in the process] Kyle: See? There you go again. Look at you dude. Look what you've become. Cartman: Everything alright here, Kyle? Kyle: Yeah, it's fine. Cartman: We're uh gonna need some more patties pretty soon. Kyle: Yeah yeah, ahh I'll be right there. Stan: Come on, Kyle. This is about you and me, remember?! Kyle: Look, dude, things around here have changed. Sometimes, the only way to keep going is to make a left turn. Stan: [a couple of seconds of silence, then Stan gives him the finger.] Fuck you Kyle, you're a piece of shit! [Kyle sighs and walks back to the burger stand] ...Kyle, I love you. [Kyle reappears a few seconds later, and Stan gives him the finger again.] You're a piece of shit though. Fuck you! [Kyle turns heel and walks back towards the stand] ...I love you. [Kyle does not return] Scene Description: Next morning, Stan's room. The radio alarm wakes him up at 7, as usual. Laughter comes from the speaker Big Harry: Big Harry and Mike in the Morning and in case you didn't catch last night's episode of [poop sounds], we're breakin' it down. Mike: Oh Big Harry, when the [poop sounds] ran into the [poop sounds]- [Stan sits up, then scoots towards the alarm] Big Harry: Nonono, no! How about when [poop sounds. Stan turns off the alarm, then hops off the bed.]. Scene Description: Asperger's Research Center, day. Stan goes into the center with a bad headache. He has a hangover. Morpheus: He's back! [the other members jump up and gather around Stan] Did you see the illusionary world again? Neo: How does it feel to be back in the Matrix? Stan: I feel like total shit. Bald Guy: It's okay. That's just your brain levels adjusting back to the real world. Morpheus: Try and focus, Stan: we've found them! We know where the rock creatures are now. Stan: The rock creatures? Morpheus: Or aliens, or AI- things. Whatever, fuck you. Stan: Dude, I canh- I... I can't do any... Neo: He's gonna pop! [Stan vomits and falls over on his face. He passes out. The other members gather around him even closer. Fade to black. Some time later, Stan's eyes blink.] Morpheus: Come on kid, there's not a lot of time left. Neo: You're pushin' him too hard! Stan: Ugh God. Morpheus: Stan, you have to convince people they're living in a world of illusion. We're sending you back in! [a pair of doors in the ceiling slide open and a giant bottle of Jameson Irish Whiskey drops down, being held in place by a robotic arm. A nippled syringe pulls forward and enters Stan's mouth and begins pumping him full of whiskey. Stan can only look down helplessly] Scene Description: A darkened boardroom. Sevem shadowed figures sit around a boardroom table Figure 1: We all know why we are here. There's a rebellion in our midst and it must be SQUASHED OUT! [it's a McDonald's executive] We have to put an end, to Cartman Burgers. [the other executives seen are from KFC, Burger King, Pizza Hut, Subway, Chick-fil-A, and Taco Bell.] Other execs: Yes, yes, but what do we do? KFC exec: At KFC we've seen a 50% drop in sales. Pizza Hut exec: It's worse at Pizza Hut. Cartman Burgers choked out the market. McDonald's exec: [gets up from his chair and paces a bit] What makes them so good? For whatever reason, these Cartman Burgers satisfy the taste cravings from all of our restaurants! Taco Bell exec: [walks up to a chart and then turns to show the other execs.] There lies the secret. [eight restaurants are shown on the chart, including City Wok. An arrow from each of the restaurants points towards a Cartman Burger in the middle] It's the chemical compounds from all our flavors. Pizza Hut, Burger King, KFC, all somehow infused into one burger. KFC exec: [walks up to a whiteboard on which a chemical compound from each restaurant is shown being mixed in a beaker and the combined solution being distilled into the Cartman Burger] It's as if he's somehow taking all the ingredients of our food, breaking them down into some kind of... gas. And them somehow... infusing that gas into his hamburger. What kind of instrument could he be using to do this? Pizza Hut exec: It would have to be some sort of super Dutch oven. Burger King exec: But a Dutch oven with greater technology than we've ever seen. [Behind them, Stan breaks into the boardroom through the window] Stan: [falls onto the floor] Aughah. [gets up and starts firing indiscriminately, moaning all the while. He falls on his back, fires off a few more shots, turns his head to his left side, and throws up. He passes out] Scene Description: Some time later. The execs have tied him down to a chair quite securely and wait a while. An arm reaches forward and tries to rouse him McDonald's exec: Hey! Wake up. Come on now, wake up! [looks at the Taco Bell Exec] Use the smelling salts! [the Taco Bell Exec puts an enchirito under Stan's nose] Stan: [sniffs and then smacks his lips a bit, finally waking up] ...Enchirito? McDonald's exec: You know the secret? Stan: What? You guys are aliens? McDonald's exec: Stop playing with us! What's the secret behind Cartman Burger's amazing taste?! Stan: Dude, I don't know! Taco Bell exec: He's lying! [reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a picture of Kyle] You see this kid in the picture? This guy is his best friend. McDonald's exec: Ah ha! Stan: I'm not friends with him. Taco Bell exec: They've been through everything together. Inseparable. Stan: No, no, we don't hang out anymore. McDonald's exec: Oho right, like someone would just walk away from a friendship like that? Stan: Dude, I didn't walk away! I turned 10 and everything he wanted to do seemed shitty to me, so I-! McDonald's exec: Oh sure! Anyone would ditch out on their best friend 'cause they weren't feeling good! Now stop playing games and tell us why Cartman Burgers is so delicious! Stan: I don't know! McDonald's exec: Alright, I guess we're going to have to do this the hard way. Scene Description: Cartman Burger, day. The place is packed with kids now. The crew is taking a break: Kenny and Butters are chatting by the grill as Kyle delivers some burgers to Cartman. Kyle: There, ten mediums and five medium-rares. Cartman: Alright, I'll take these to the flavor enhancer. Kyle: Next please. [smiles, but quickly frowns upon seeing the next customer] Oh, hey. Stan: Kyle, you've gotta tell me the secret to Cartman Burger. Kyle: What are you doing? Stan: How do you guys make them so yummy? Kyle: I don't know. McDonald's exec: [hiding in some bushes with the other execs] You'd BETTER get him to tell you or you're getting shot in the back of the head! [The Chick-fil-A exec has a sniper's gun trained on Stan's head. Stan is wearing an ear piece] You got that?! Stan: [panicking, but with great restraint] Dude, just tell me the secret to Cartman Burger Kyle: Why?! So that we can lose our business and everything can go back to old times?! Stan: No, because there's aliens with a sniper-chicken on me. Kyle: [rolls his eyes] Oh God! Look, I know you got Asperger's from the school and I I'm sorry. But your negativity is poison to me! McDonald's exec: Oh, right. Like a friend would walk out on somebody who was diagnosed with a serious illness! Stan: Dude, I'm sorry that I've been bumming you out, but it's not my fault! Kyle: You said "fuck you" to my face, Stan. Stan: Dude, I didn't realize what I was saying. McDonald's exec: Oh yeah, like any friend would say something that severe and then try to take it back. Kyle: Alright, look. I honestly don't know the secret, dude. Only Cartman does, and that's how it's gonna work for us. McDonald's exec: [comes out of the bushes and goes to the stand] Goddamnit this is getting us nowhere! [the other execs follow him onto the sidewalk] Everyone get back! Do you wanna play hardball?! That's fine! [the Chick-fil-A exec wields his gun and the kids scream and scatter. The McDonald's exec goes to the Secret Last Process Booth] All right, let's see this mighty machine once and for all! [before he can see anything, he's gunned down by the drunken research center/Matrix members, who then start firing away indiscriminately with their semi-automatics] Morpheus: [dispatching the Taco Bell exec] You vampire sons of bitches! [the Chick-fil-A, Burger King and Subway execs go down, then the Pizza Hut and Taco Bell execs] Neo: Haha! [accidentally shoots himself in the head and goes down] Morpheus: Alright, nice work Stan. Now comes the final step! You have to take out Duck President! Stan: Just stop it! You people are so full of shit! Mr. Mathers: Uh oh, looks like the serum is wearing off! [whips out a glass and a bottle of whiskey] Here, you'd better take some more! [pours the whiskey in the glass] Stan: No, I'm done with that! [slaps it away from the member's hand] Morpheus: But Stan, you have to take down the bad guys and go through a personal transformation, so that everything can go back to the way it was! Stan: I don't want everything to go back to the way it was! [suddenly calm] I, I don't. [he steps over the broken bottle, leaves and joins the other kids, who have returned] You were right, Kyle. Sometimes, the only way to go forward, is to take a big left turn. I've been resisting it, but I'm ready now. I want you to stay with Cartman Burger, dude. It's okay. You're gonna do this and I'm gonna do my thing and ...my mom and dad aren't getting back together. But you know what? It's okay. In fact, it's better. Change is gonna bring new things to all of us. Where will Cartman Burger go from here? That'll be cool to see. And it opens me up to a whole new adventure, exploring... new relationships with all new people in town. [approaches one boy] Maybe this kid will become my new best friend. [then another] Or maybe this kid will. Douglas: Wow. [smiles] Stan: Maybe it won't be like before, but... at least it'll all be new. And that's what's gonna make it so that I can keep going. For the first time in a long time, I'm really excited. [a horn and the sound of wheels stopping are heard] Randy: [in the U-Haul truck] Stan? Stan! Get in the car, Stan! Your mom and I are movin' back in together! Stan: [his face drops] What? Randy: We worked it out, pal. Surprise! Stan: No, dad, no. No, please! Scene Description: At the apartment, Stan's room, day. Sharon and Stan talk Sharon: [somber and unsure] We talked a lot and, we know it's what's best for you kids and, I don't know... Stan: No, Mom, sometimes you've got- a left turn. Sharon: People get older, Stanley. And as you get older you realize... the best thing to do is just... stick with what you know. Scene Description: "Landslide" plays again, with everything going in reverse. The realtor removes the sign she had placed in front of the Marsh house. The Marsh family moves back in. Randy and Sharon work together to take the sofa back inside while Shelly carries her own box. Sharon sets up Stan's room again almost as he had it before they moved. Randy carries in another box of Stan's stuff. Stan looks out over the neighborhood from his window... which was apparently across from Cartman's house all this time, for he sees Cartman Burger and the crowd of kids and adults across the street. Kyle: You were sticking these in your ass, Cartman?! Crowd: Eeewww! Scene Description: The sitting president, who is a duck, is removed and Barack Obama resumes his presidency. In his backyard, Randy Marsh makes a small bonfire of all his Steamy Ray Vaughn stuff. At Stark's Pond, Wendy and Stan share a picnic, but he's not interested enough to puke on her. At the dinner table, Stan isn't eating, but looks down and away. Finally, in his bedroom, the radio wakes him up at 7 AM., like always. His favorite morning show comes back on Big Harry: I like that! Mike: Yeah. Big Harry: Big Harry and Mike in the Morning, talkin' about Two and a Half Men. I think Ashton Kutcher makes it the show to be seen, Mike. Mike: Yeah, but what about that movie Dolphin Tale? I am psyched for that! Big Harry: Dolphin Tale, Big Harry and Mike in the Morning. [Stan sits up] Let's hear one from the band Slamjammer and their song- [Stan turns the radio off. There's a knock on his door] Kyle: [enters with Cartman and Kenny] Dude, we're gonna see the new Zoopeeker movie! Cartman: The Zookeeper 2: Zookeepier! [they walk back out and away.] Stan: ...K, coming. [hops out of bed and puts on his coat, going through the motions. He walks out to join the boys, but a few seconds later he returns to open a drawer, pull out a bottle of whiskey, opens it, takes a swig of it, closes it, and puts it back in the drawer. He doesn't bother to put on his shoes. He closes the drawer and heads back into the hall]

Scene Description: Cartman's backyard, day. By the fence, Cartman, wearing a ranger hat and outfit, and some other boys in similar attire, have erected a small U.S. border with a sign saying "Welcome to Texas" on it. The sign also has an outline of the State of Texas on it. Cartman is patrolling the border with DogPoo and Jason. They are holding Super-Soakers and pop-guns, plastic forks are duct-taped to the fence. Cartman scans for illegals with his binoculars Cartman: [turns around] Alright, y'all, keep your eyes peeled and your guns ready. [spits something out, wipes his lips clean with the back of his shirt sleeve, and returns to patrolling the border] There's a heap of Mexicans out there who want nothin' more than to sneak past our border, and we've gotta stop them! Liane: [walking out] Eric, you wanna say hi to Grandpa? Cartman: Not now, Mom! We're playing Texans versus Mexicans! Gah! [turns to the boys on the ground - Clyde, Craig, and Timmy] All right, patrol, you all know the drill. Not one Mexican is to get past this border! Not a single one! Yeehaw! The other four: Yeehaw! [Timmy stays silent] Scene Description: In the woods nearby, Butters leads five other boys in a plot to get past the U.S. border at Cartman's house - Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Jimmy, and Token Butters: Fellow Meheecans! This time, we're gonan try rushin' the Texans from the left side! Do not give up home, for I am Mantequilla! Viva la Meheeco! Stan: Uh, Butters, I think we're gonna go back to Kyle being team leader. Butters: [saddened] Oh, what, I'm not a good Meheecan? Stan: You're a great Meheecan, Butters, but maybe just not a leader of Meheeco. Kyle: Look, guys, all we need to do is split up and apply some good diversion tactics. We'll use the Texans' emotions against them. Scene Description: Back at the border, Cartman scans the surrounding area, making sound effects while doing so Cartman: [robot voice] Scanning for Mexicans. [more sound effects] Oh! [spots Kyle coming out of the woods] We've got a Mexican! [Clyde and Craig take up posts] Kyle: Hey Texans! Let me through; we want a treaty! Cartman: [to the other boys] He's trying a simple diversion tactic, thinks we're stupid. [to Kyle] Ha ha! You're gonna have to do better than that, Mexican! Kyle: Better than being a fat-ass Texan! Cartman: Hey! Just because I'm Texan, it doesn't mean I'm fat! Kyle: No, you're fat to begin with, chubby! Now you're Texan too! Cartman: Oh yeah?! Oh yeah?! Well, you're a fuckin' Jew, Kyle! And now you're a Mexican Jew! You dirty, no good... Mexijew! [Stan sneaks in past a cardboard box labelled "Christmas Ornaments"] Let's just see you try and-! Stan: Base! [the others turn to see Stan in their midst] Cartman: Clyde?! [descends from his perch atop the border and goes to Clyde] What the fuck are you doin'?! You just let a Mexican through! Clyde: I was enthralled with the dialog exchange. Cartman: Ugh, yeah?! Well, you all need to stay focused, Goddamnit! [Token appears at the other end of the border and hops over] If you let yourselves get distracted for even one minute, we're gonna be overrun with these jobless, no good-! Token: Base! Cartman: Dude!! [walks over to Craig] How did he get past the fence, Craig?! Craig: I didn't hear him coming with all your screaming. Cartman: Nobody's fuckin' screaming, Craig! Wake the fuck up! [Jimmy walks by in the foreground] Jimmy: Eh, b-base. Cartman: Oh, God! [throws down his hat] Scene Description: Cartman's house, evening. All the boys are at the dining table eating dinner. Well, all except one. All of the ones present are laughing. Well, all except one. Stan: So, so then, so then the pope says, "Maybe you should go check the toilet." [most of the other boys laugh] Craig: Hey. Hey, I got one. [the other get quiet] Why do girls wear makeup and perfume? Token: Why? Craig: 'Cause they're ugly and they stink. [most of the other boys laugh] Stan: Cartman, stop pouting that you lost the game. Cartman: I'm not pouting! I've just heard all these jokes before! Kyle: So then don't have a slumber party if you're gonna be an asshole all night! Cartman: At least I have an asshole, Kyle! [the boys laugh] Scene Description: As the boys enjoy themselves, the camera pulls back into the woods outside where it has begun to snow, far away we find one boy, shivering, sitting by a stream with a jug of water next to him, in this cold snowy night. Butters: [thinking to himself] Boy, I've really done it this time. I have one simple direction: "Go that way." How did I end up getting lost? My amigos were right: I am a lousy Meheecan. They're all living the good life while I'm, while I'm stuck out here in Meheeco. I am... The Last of the Meheecans. Scene Description: "The Last of the Meheecans" appears onscreen after the camera pans up into the sky Butters: [wanders around] Hello? Anybody? Come on Mantequilla, you have to find that border! [walks further away, and finds a road. He walks along the shoulder and shivers as he sings] Lalala, lalala, Work Meheecan Work. Lalala, lalala, Work Meheecan Work. [A couple in a car drive up behind him] Woman: Oh, careful darling, the storm is getting worse. Man: It sure is. I-I can barely see. [Butters turns around and the woman suddenly sees him]</poem> Woman: Oh my God look out it's a Mexican! [the man loses control and hits Butters, who simply tumbles off the car and onto the shoulder, face down. The couple stops the car and goes to check on Butters. The wife turns him over] Man: Oh my God, are you alright? Butters: Por favor, ehe, I have to get across the border. M-mis amigos, my a-, my amigos are waiting. Man: Poor thing must have snuck across the border and then lost track of his family. Butters: I, am Mantequilla, the last of the Meheecans. Scene Description: The couple's house, night. There's something about the Spanish Colonial architecture in this house. The couple shows Butters to a spare room full of inspirational and religious messages. He will sleep here for the night Woman: [showing him around the room] Guest room. Guest room. Bed, bed. Pillow. You're going to be okay. [kneels before him] Do you understand? Man: Darling, I don't know if we can keep him. Woman: What are we supposed to do?! Call the police?! And have him shipped back to Mexico like some animal?! [to Butters] Win-dow. Wiinnn-dow. Man: Yep, window. Woman: [pleased] Bueno! [to her husband] He'll have so much more opportunity here than he ever would in Mexico! [to Butters] Window. Windooow. [gives him a bottle of] Win-dex. Wiiin-dex, Mantequilla. Paper towel. [squirts some Windex onto the towel and takes Butters to the window] Sí, sí Mantequilla [shows Butters how to clean the window, then leaves him to continue doing it himself] Man: Auhp, be sure to get the edges. Woman: Oh darling, it's wonderful. Scene Description: Cartman's house, night. The boys have gone to sleep in the basement, the TV is now white noise and static, food, toys, video and board games litter the floor. Everyone is soundly asleep, sprawled out randomly atop pillows and sleeping bags, Timmy in his wheelchair, the camera zooms out to reveal Cartman tossing and turning in his sleeping bag. Cartman: [talking in his sleep] No. NO! Must protect the border! Everyone's gettin through! No! Clyde! We're losing! Kyle go through! Oh no, now Stan's through! And Jimmy! It's over! The only Mexican left is Butters; we've got... [wakes up] Butters! [gets up, then tries to get the others up] Hey! Wake up you guys! Wake up, losers! Stan: What are you talking about? Cartman: Where is Butters? Kyle: [after a few seconds] He was with us at dinner. Wait. Was he with us at dinner? Stan: Yeah, I think he was? Wait. Craig: Butters is one of those people who you can never remember if he was there or not. Scene Description: Outside Cartman's house, night. The boys turn on the patio light and walk out through the sliding doors in back the snow is starting to cover the yard. Kyle: Butters? Stan: Butters! Kyle: [hugs himself] Jesus, it's freezing out here. He, he could be dead. Cartman: [puts on his ranger hat, now speaking in his Texan voice] All right men, rally up! There's still a Mexican out there and he ain't gettin' through! [walks towards the woods, but stops long enough to tell Kyle] You haven't won yet! [smiles evilly and moves on] Game on! Craig: Game on! Kyle: Wugh, game on. [puts on his mustache] Scene Description: The couple's house, Morning. Butters is wearing a hairnet, washing dishes and humming to himself. His face is filthy. Butters: Work, Mexican, Work. [hums some more] Work, Mexican, Work Woman: [arrives at the kitchen entrance] Mantequiila? Mantequilla, come to the living room. We have a surprise for you. [leaves. Butters follows her out] Scene Description: The living room. A large box wrapped up and tied with a bow sits in the middle Man: Surprise! We've scraped some money together and got you something. [Butters grins] Woman: It's a present, Mantequilla. Un presente. Butters: Wow! A present just for me? [starts to unwrap it] Woman: Oh he's such a happy little Mexican. [Butters finishes unwrapping it only to see a gas-powered leaf blower designed to be worn on the back] Man: How do you like that, Mantequilla? Your very own leaf blower! Hahah, I have no idea how it works, but I'm sure you do, huh. Say, how'd you like to go in the back yard and play? [moments later, Butters is in the back yard using the power blower to blow some leaves around. The couple watch him from a table with umbrella providing shade] Woman: Oh look at him, darling. He's so happy. Man: Hup. Nono, Mantequilla! You're just blowing the leaves from one side to the other. Get them in one pile so you can use the garbage bags we loaned you. Butters: Ah, sí señor. Woman: Oh he's so adorable. Scene Description: A song begins to play as Butters clears away the leaves. As the song plays, you see the following montage: Butters blowing leaves into piles, Butters washing he couple's care as they watch, Butters scooping leaves out of the pool as the couple plays in it with a beach ball, the boys pasting fliers all over town asking "Have you seen this Mexican? Answers to 'Mantequilla.' Text *** 67319," Cartman and his border patrol watching for illegal aliens, Butters providing pedicures for the couple, Butters serving them ham, Butters washing more dishes, Stan and Kyle putting up billboards that echo what the fliers said, and Cartman looking into the woods. Seeing no one coming, Cartman lowers his binoculars and smiles. Butters now clean up the front yard. Singers: Work, Mexican, work. Butters: All week long, bossman say Both: Work, Mexican, work. Butters: Sing your Song, earn your pay Both: Work, Mexican, work.Work, Meheecan Singers: Sweat Butters: Meheecan Singers: Toil Butters: Meheecan, it's your Both: lot in life. Butters: While people play in the sun all day Both: Work, Mexican, work. Scene Description: The couple's kitchen, later. The woman is at the breakfast nook crying and wiping away her tears with a tissue. The man sees her and gets worried, then walks into the kitchen. Man: Honey? Honey, what's wrong? [she looks up to see him] Woman: It's Mantequilla. We've tried giving him everything, but I don't think he's happy. Tonight I told him he could do whatever he wanted before bed - wash the windows, mop up our bathroom - but you know what he said? He said "I need to go home." I tried telling him "your home is here, Mantequilla! ¡Tu casa es aquí!" But I don't think he feels it. Man: Well, maybe if we let him paint the garage, he'll feel more like family and then- Woman: No, Brian! In my heart I know it's true. He belongs with his own kind, Brian. He belongs with his own kind! Scene Description: El Pollo Loco, night. The couple drive up to El Pollo Loco and take Butters to the door. The woman is still weeping Brian: Come on, honey. [they walk back to the car] Butters: Hey, where are you going? Woman: [turns around] No! Mantequilla bad! Go now! Butters: Ma'am, can I, can I just use your phone? Woman: No es bueno, Mantequilla! ¡No me mi-mires! ¡Por favor! ¡Por favor no mires! [they reach the car, get in, and drive off. The woman is still weeping] Scene Description: El Pollo Loco kitchen. Butters is sitting atop a prep table telling of his adventure, as a group of Latino workers go about making meals Butters: So there I was, just yards away from the American border. All my amigos made it across, but I became lost in the woods. If the Whipples hadn't come along, I might have froze to death. But I'm not giving up, for I, am Mantequilla! [the workers all stop in shock and look at him, a utensil can be heard hitting the floor] Worker 1: Mantequilla? Worker 2: Mantequilla? Worker 1: ¡Yo he escuchado de este niño! ¡He visto anuncios de el por donde quiera! ["I've HEARD of this kids! I've seen POSTERS and BILLBOARDS of him everywhere!"] Worker 3: Sí. Es famoso! ["Yeah. He's FAMOUS!"] Butters: Nothing can stop me, and my pride, in Mother Meheeco! Worker 1: ¿Un niño gringo que quiere ses mexicano? ["A WHITE American kid who wants to be Mexican?"] Worker 3: Ay, tiempos han cambiado. ["Wow, times are really changing"] Worker 1: No... no. ¿Saben qué? Mantequilla tiene derecho. ¿Por qué venimos a este país? ¡Vale madre aquí, 'mano! ["No... no, you know what? Mantequilla is RIGHT! Why did we even come to this country? It SUCKS HERE, MAN!"] Butters: Hey! You fellas think you can get me across that border? Worker 1: Debemos escuchar a este niño. ¡Mexico es mucho mejor que esto! ["We should listen to this kid. Mexico is better than this!"] Butters: All my amigos are there, waitin' for me. Worker 1: Todos mis amigos están allí también.. ["All my amigos are back there too."] Worker 2: ¡A la chingada con esto! ¡Vamonos! ["Come on, screw this! Let's go!"] Worker 3: Sí, ¡vamonos a la chingada! Butters: Viva la Meheeco! Scene Description: A hospital, outside. An elderly man is being assisted by two Latinos, who are helping him out of an ambulance and onto a wheelchair Doctor: Alright, let's get him into ER. Elderly man: Careful w'my foot! [a car stops and a man whistles] Worker 2: ¡Oye Yimenez! ¡Nos vamos a regresar, hombre! ["Hey Yimenez!!! We're going back, man!"] Yimenez: ¿Qué? ["What?"] Worker 2: ¡Este lugar es una mierda! ¡Nos regresamos a Mexico!["This place sucks! We're going back to Mexico!"] Butters: We're crossin' the border! Yimenez: ¡Jose! ¡Martinez! Nos vamos para atras para Mexico! ["We're going back to Mexico!" The nurses and other Hispanic workers pour out of the hospital] Butters: Olé! Scene Description: The real Mexican border, day. There's no activity. One of the guards is looking through binoculars, the other larger guard is fanning himself with a rolled up newspaper Border officer 1: Pretty quiet out there. Border officer 2: Yeah, a bit too quiet if you ask me. Gimme those! [takes the binoculars and looks through them] Border officer 1: Just seems like Mexicans don't try to cross into the US as much as they used to, you know? Border officer 2: Noo, they're out there, Charlie. Plottin' their next move. They'll do anything they can to get into the Land of Opportunity. [lowers the binoculars. The first illegals appear on the US side of the border and head towards the fence] And as long as this country offers everyone a better life, there's gonna be people clamorin' to get it. It's the curse of success, Charlie. [more aliens appear as the first ones hop over the fence] A great and wealthy nation will always be plagued [raises the binoculars and looks through them again] by the needy tryin' to-what the hell? [sees the Mexicans running into Mexico. The other guard notices too] Charlie: [scratches his head] Uhh, sir? Aren't them Mexicans runnin' into Mexico? Border officer 2: [lowers his binoculars] That don't make sense. Charlie: [shouting to the returning illegals] You're going the wrong way! Scene Description: TV News break Anchorman: You've heard of Mexican salsa, but Mexican pride? The phenomenon is called "Orgullo de Mantequilla," where Mexicans are realizing it actually is starting to suck more here in the US. The borders are being flooded with Latin Americans trying to get back to their own countries. [Randy and Sharon are on the sofa watching the news] Randy: Well, I think it's good. [stands up and puts on his blazer, then walks to the front door] If the Mexican people feel inspired, good for them. People have a right to go and be happy. [opens the door and looks outside. Huge piles of leaves have been left on his front yard] NOOOOOO! [Audio clip is Darth Vader's voice from Star Wars Ep. III] Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. He's watching the news too Anchorman: But just what has sparked the Mexican desire to live... in Mexico? Joining us now is economist Mark Geiger, and Mark, we've heard of Mexican ice cream, but Mexican patriotism? Mr. Geiger: Yes, it's a very odd phenomenon, Chris. Ih it just- [the front door opens and it's Stan and Kyle, who are pretty miffed for obvious reasons] Kyle: Cartman, what the hell is this?! [he's holding a poster Cartman designed: "Wanted by U.S. Border Patrol. Permission to shoot on sight."] Cartman: You guys, the game is over! Clearly I won. Give it up. Kyle: "Wanted by the U.S. Border Patrol"?! "Permission to shoot on sight"?! Cartman: You guys were putting out fliers, I had to put some out too. Kyle: Butters has been missing for a week! You might have inadvertently gotten him killed! Cartman: Well then I inadvertently won the game, didn't I?[The news come back on, with Cartman glancing at his TV, with Kyle also staring, as Stan continues glaring at Cartman] Chris: Do you have what it takes to join the Border Patrol? Border Patrol officers are looking for volunteers to help with the reverse immigration crisis. Cartman: Oh dude. Sweet. Scene Description: Butters is asleep in a room, on a wooden bed. The floor is made of hexagon-shaped tile. On the cracked green wall behind him is a small framed painting of Frida Kahlo. He wakes up, gets off the bed, looks around, and walks towards a doorway completely naked except for his Mexico hat. He opens the double doors and steps outside. He rubs his eyes to get a better view. A small plaza full of people awaits his appearance, and everyone cheers Crowd: ¡Vamos Mantequilla! [Clap clap clap-clap-clap] ¡Vamos Mantequilla! [Clap clap clap-clap-clap] ¡Vamos Mantequilla! [Clap clap clap-clap-clap] Butters: Oh uh, I'm sorry, [opens his arms wide] I don't really- Crowd: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. [he lowers his arms and the crowd quiets down. He raises them up and] Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. [he raises his right arm] ¡Oy! [he lowers his arm and raises it a little] ¡Oy! [now raises his left arm] ¡Orgullo! [opens his arms wide] Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. [the crowd members raise their arms and some begin to toss their hats in the air] Butters: Wow. Scene Description: The U.S. border. Officer 2 briefs the new volunteers on their duties Border officer 2: Welcome to the US Border Patrol. You volunteers are the key to keepin' this country safe and prosperous. [begins to walk back and forth] Every day, more and more Mexicans are tryin' to get past this fence and go back to their homes in Mexico. As border patrol officers our duty is to stop Mexicans from crossin' the border. We don't need to worry about the semantics of which direction they're going, we're just supposed to stop them! [pounds his left fist into his right hand] Marcus? Marcus: The standard-issue border patrol weapon is the P-29 stun baton. [begins handing a baton to each volunteer] It carries a 4000 watt charge and is your best option for enforcin' border patrol law. Cartman: This is gonna be so fuckin' sweet. Marcus: The baton is non-lethal, but powerful e- Border officer 3: Hey! We got some! Mexicans at 2 o'clock! [hands his binoculars over to Officer 2] Border officer 2: Let's get ready, recruits! Must be a couple dozen of them! [Cartman takes out his own binoculars and begins scanning and providing his own sound effects] This is the US Border Patrol! Stop where you are! Turn around and get back to work! Marcus: There's too many of 'em! We're gonna need backup! [Cartman goes to a nearby water truck and opens a spigot, which releases water and creates a large puddle. The Mexicans run into the puddle and stand there. Cartman tosses his baton into the puddle, electrocuting the Mexicans.] Border officer 2: You're pretty good at stoppin' Mexicans, son. What's your name? Cartman: Cartman. Eric T. Cartman. Scene Description: San Francisco, Later. The Mexicans are rounded up and taken to San Francisco to be released. What follows is a montage parody of Border Wars: first, shots of a border crossing showing four lanes of cars waiting to get into Mexico. A U-Haul truck is opened up and its cargo of Mexicans is removed from the trailer. A nighttime patrol shows Cartman with some other officers in a boat. They intercept a smaller boat with Mexicans trying to row to Mexico, then escort them back to shore near Santa Monica. The third shot shows Cartman on a helicopter with two other officers. He points at a sign on the ground. The helicopter drops him off near the sign and he turns it around to fool unsuspecting Mexicans, grins, and hides behind some bushes. Some Mexicans stand in line to get unemployment checks, and one of them gets a flag from Officer 2 Narrator: Dedicated. Patriotic. Tireless. These are the men and women of the US Border Patrol. They work around the clock protecting America's prosperity. They are the front line in making sure Mexicans stay here and work. The border patrol is uncompromising, diligent, and kewl. They will defend, arrest, and most importantly, let the Mexicans know that they are way better off here in the United States. Scene Description: Días De Mantequilla. Butters has earned himself a festival - Butters Day - in what looks like Mexico City, complete with mariachis and a portrait of him mimicking the famous portrait of Our Lady of Guadalupe. Among the sights at this festival: little kids dancing, señoritas dancing nearby, a man wearing a large papier-mâché Mantequilla head is entertaining children, people are buying Mantequilla shirts at the Tienda de Orgullo, kids trying to burst open a piñata of Mantequilla. A girl runs by with a small Mexican flag. One of the kids breaks open the piñata and the others rush in for the candy. President Calderón: ¡Hoy celebramos el primer día de Mantequilla, honrando el espiritu de México! ["Today we celebrate the FIRST day of Mantequilla, honoring the spirit of Mexico!" Everyone claps for Butters] Butters: Thanks everyone. [hops onto the table] It suer has been great gettin' to know you all. You've been really great amigos. [gets sad] It's really kind of made me... appreciate my amigos back home. I know they were waitin' for me, and I'm sure they're all worried sick. President Calderón: Mantequilla, tu tienes que hacer una decisión. Los Estados Unidos están de baja, y claro, México pronto será el mejor lugar. Pero como Mexicanos, nosotros sabemos que nada es más importante que la famlia, y amistades. Estás invitado a vivir con nosotros, Mantequilla, pero tienes que seguir tu corazón. ¿Quieres quedarte aquí con nosotros, o quieres estar con tus amigos? ["Mantequilla, you have a decision to make. The United States is on the decline, and clearly, Mexico will quickly become the better place to be. But as we Mexicans know, nothing is more important than FAMILY and FRIENDS. You are welcome to live with us, Mantequilla, but you must follow your heart. Do you want to stay here with us, or do you want to go back to your amigos?"] Butters: [aside to the Mexican sitting at the table with him] ...What did he say? Ah I actually don't speak Spanish. Scene Description: The US Border. Cartman stands front and center scanning the horizon, with other soldiers and volunteers taking breaks. Cartman: [robot voice] No Mexicans detected. [normally] Huh, nothing. Border officer 4: [Richards] Let's face it: they've just about all gotten back across. No matter how hard we tried, the Mexicans all got across the border. Border officer 2: When we asked Obama to stop illegal immigrants, we didn't mean to make the US so shitty they wouldn't wanna come anymore. Marcus: [along in the lookout tower, as bored as the others, he suddenly sees something, sits up, and rushes to tell the others.] Hey! Hey wait a minute! [whips out his binoculars and gets a better look.] It's a Mexican! [It's Mantequilla] I think he wants to come back in! [Officer 2 climbs the ladder and gets a better look] Border officer 2: Oh my God it is! [puts down the binoculars and happily waves his hat at Butters] Hey! Hey! Come on in! [bangs at the tower and whistles] Come on! Come on! Come on, it's okay! [Butters draws closer, smiling. guard 2 addressed the other officers and volunteers] The fuck are you doing?! Get that gate open! [an officer and a volunteer happily oblige. The other officers and volunteers are smiling too] Border officer 5: Come on, buddy! Other Officers: Come on now, come on! You've got it. [Cartman gets up on the tower and uses his own binoculars] Cartman: Wait a minute, isn't that... Butters: [looking back at him] Game on! Cartman: [squints his eyes] Oh no you don't! [takes Officer 2's sidearm and fires at Butters.] Butters: [dodging the bullets] AAAH! Border officer 2: [takes his weapon back] Fuck are you doin'?! Cartman: That asshole is not getting across my border! [Butters either fails to see the open gate, or it was closed while Cartman was firing at him, because he starts climbing the fence. Cartman quickly gets down to intercept him, but decides that electrocuting the fence would get Butters off it, and it works] Butters: AAAAH! [falls and gets up] I'll get over! [runs farther away from the tower] Cartman: [gives chase] No you won't Butters! Butters: [sees a gray burro and jumps up on him] Giddy up! [gallops away. Cartman gets on a pale gray burro and whistles, and gallops after Butters] Scene Description: Mexico City, day. The Mexicans have huddled around just one radio and are listening to the play-by-play provided by a commentator. Since the Spanish lines are not translated here, I will provide them Commentator: Un otro shoto de Mantequilla. Y Manteque-ah. ¡Oh! ¡Una arma! Una arma del El Niño Gordo! ["Another shot of Mantequilla! And Mantequi-ah. Oh! A firearm! The fat kid's firearm!" Apparently Cartman was firing at Butters] Mexicans: Ohhh! Scene Description: The US Border. Butters and Cartman ride past the tower, and Cartman finds himself fired upon. He turns and sees the border patrol after him Cartman: Ey! Scene Description: Mexico City. Commentator: Mantequilla ayudar ¡1a Border Patrol! ["The Border Patrol is coming to Mantequilla's aid!" The Mexicans cheer] Scene Description: El Río Bravo. Butters is now speeding away in a small boat, and Cartman is chasing him in a Border Patrol boat. Cartman: ¡Respeto mi autóridad! ["Respect mah authoritah!" Again, Cartman is fired upon, and his boat begins to sink. This time, the border patrol is in a helicopter firing away] Scene Description: Mexico City. Commentator: Border Patrol pegaron ¡El Cero Gordo! ["The border patrol hit the Fat Zero!" Next, Cartman is on an ATV and stops to look for Butters] Scene Description: The US Border. Cartman: Where the fuck did he go?! [in the background, Butters can be seen riding by on his burro. Cartman sees him and gives chase. Just before Cartman reaches him, Butters blinks. Cartman jumps off his ATV and tackles Butters off his burro, and they both end up on the desert ground, with Cartman on top] Haha! Game over, Butters! You lose! [Butters apparently collapses] The fuck is this?! [instead of seeing the real Butters, Cartman sees a life-size piñata of him. The head separates from the body and candy falls out] No. NO! [Butters is climbing the fence] Butters: [taunting] Haha! Heheeheeheehahaheehee! Cartman: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! [Butters goes over the border fence and jumps down] Butters: Base! [dances around with his arms outstretched] Mexicans: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! [Butters gets on his knees and slides into a pose] Commentator: El mirito, vinto! [the Mexicans celebrate. The border patrol celebrates as well, and Butters dances, the "Mexican Hat Dance" starts playing] Scene Description: Cartman's dining room, evening. The boys are back at the table eating dinner, with Butters sitting between Craig and Kyle. The boys are laughing and telling jokes to each other Butters: So then, so then the fireman says "That won't even fit in my scrotum!" [the boys laugh again] Kyle: [noticing Cartman] Stop being a pouty little bitch 'cause you lost, Cartman! Cartman: I'm not pouting! I'm just... sensitive to fireman jokes 'cause of 9/11 and uh, uh... fuck you, Kyle! Butters: Boy, I'm so glad I proved I'm a good Meheecan! Hey, maybe next time I can be team leader! Stan: Ahhh, I think we'll stick with Kyle, dude. You made it across the border, but it did take you... two and a half weeks. Kyle: Yeah, you're a great Meheecan, Butters, just not a great leader of Meheeco. [everyone falls silent. Butters stands up on his chair and raises his arms slowly] Mexicans: [responding to his gesture] ¡Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... [A baby responds to it, as do three Mexican fisherman out at sea. Craig and Kyle look all around, and then at Butters. Butters thrusts his right arm out twice.] ¡Oy! ¡Oy! [Butters thrusts his left arm out once] ¡Orgullo! [raises both arms again] ¡Maaantequilla! [now all his friends are looking at him] Cartman: [sighs gruffly and rolls his eyes] A Baptist priest with a huge boner walks into a bar...

Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids are in the hallway. Butters walks with Kenny, Stan and Kyle are at their lockers, and Cartman comes into view at the far end of the hallway Cartman: YOU GUYS! Oh my God, you guys! [runs up to Butters, Kenny, Stan, and Kyle] You're never gonna guess what! [stands among them] Seriously you guys, guess what?? Stan: What? Cartman: You guys, you know Pete Melman? [no one answers] Fourth Grade, Mr. Bart's class? Kyle: The blond kid? Cartman: Yeah yeah, Pete Melman! Stan: What about him? Cartman: He crapped his pants today during social studies! He had to go to the nurse's office, and have his mom bring him a fresh pair of jeans! [begins to cackle] Kyle: [angry] How do you know?! Cartman: Because, dude, it's all over Eavesdropper! Butters: Eavesdropper? Kyle: What's that? Cartman: Puhah! You guys don't follow Eavesdropper? [whips out an iPhone and starts looking for the Eavesdropper article] It's a Web site about all the students in the school! [The web site screams "Exclusive! Pete Melman Craps Pants At School!" at you. Part of the page has a picture of Pete on there, with a 'play' button to play a recording] Clyde: [appears at the far end of the hallway] Hey, did you guys see Eavesdropper? Pete Melman shit his pants! [runs off to tell others] Cartman: Yeah yeah, I'm showin' the guys! [gets back to his phone] Check it out. Eavesdropper got a hold of the phone call from the nurse to Pete Melman's mom. [touches the 'play' button] Just listen, listen listen. Nurse Bronski: Hello Mrs. Melman, this is the school nurse. I'm afraid your son has had a little accident. [Cartman snickers quietly] Mrs. Melman: Oh no, what is it? Is he okay? Stan: Turn it up. [Cartman obliges] Nurse Bronski: No no, it's not serious, but he went number two during class. [Cartman grins big, Butters grins a little, Kyle is a little disgusted] I'm afraid he's gonna need a new pair of pants and underwear, and a clean pair of socks. Craig: Hey, did you guys see Eavesdropper? Cartman: Yeah yeah, we're listenin' to it! [laughs. Craig moves on] Kyle: Dude, that's so wrong! Butters: [moves off] Hey! Pete Melman pooped his pants and uh had to have his mom bring him new undies! Cartman: Okay okay, so what do we call Pete Melman when we see him? I was thinking, "Poopypants Pete", but th- but then I also thought of "Mushpants Melman." Mr. Mackey: [over the PA system] Attention South Park Students: will the following students report to the Principal's office immediately? Eric Cartman? Thank you. Cartman: Oh Jesus, what now?! [goes to the office] Scene Description: Principal's office, faculty room. Cartman sits at one end of the faculty table while Principal Victoria sits at the other end, flanked by Mr. Mackey on her right and Mr. Adler on her left. The clock reads 2:03 p.m. Principal Victoria: Eric, as you might have heard, a student here in South Park Elementary had an accident in the classroom. Cartman: Puh-I know, dude. Pete Melman crapped his pants. So freakin' funny! [slaps the table and laughs] Principal Victoria: Oookay, but you probably understand that for Pete, it isn't that funny. For him it's embarrassing and terrifying. Cartman: Tchehe, right. That's why it's super funny to me. Principal Victoria: Eric, it has been almost one year since Corey Duran defecated in his pants here in school. Now, you remember what happened to him? Cartman: [smiles] Yeah, he killed himself. Mr. Mackey: Yes, and the reason he killed himself, Eric, was that the ridicule and the torment from other students, [points] spearheaded by you, cause him-! Cartman: Hey! Whoooa. Mr. Mackey: Spearheaded by you, m'kay, made him feel there was no other way out. Cartman: 'Kay, whoa, whoa! We've been through this, you cannot put Corey Duran's death on me! I'm not the one who crapped him pants in front of everyone! Mr. Adler: Eric, we are asking you to please just remember what happened to Corey and not let it happen to Pete. Principal Victoria: Please just let it go. Cartman: You're asking me to simply ignore a kid who - excuse my language but I have to be harsh here - a kid who shits in his pants in front of everyone - to just ignore that so he can have a normal life?! Mr. Mackey: We are hoping that if you don't fan the flames, Eric, the other students might forget might forget about it! Cartman: Do you really think information like this will just die down? There's Internet! There's Eavesdropper! You might be worried Pete Melman is gonna kill himself, but the truth is, he was dead the second he crapped his pants. Principal Victoria: [stands up and walks to the window, then looks out] Alright Eric, here's the deal: This school cannot have another suicide on its hands. We want you to see Pete Melman through this, and turn public opinion around. Cartman: [scoff] Heh! You're crazy! It can't be done! Principal Victoria: If Pete Melman does not kill himself, [turns around] we will make it very worth your while. Cartman: You aren't listing to anythin- [checks himself] Make it worth my while how? Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids are in the hallway again. Must be a rainy day, as some of the kids are eating lunches in the hall. Butters, Craig, and Stan walk towards the camera, with Craig looking at his iPhone. The three are laughing. Kyle appears and approaches them Stan: No way. Kyle: What's up? Stan: The-hay've got a video of Pete Melman's mom showing up with fresh underwear on Eavesdropper! Kyle: Dude, that's fucked up. Stan: Come on dude, it's pretty funny. Kyle: It's funny that something that should be completely private is put up on a Web site for everyone to see?? Stan: Yeah dude, that's pretty funny. Butters: It's megasuperhilarious! [a girl is putting her books away when Cartman approaches her] Cartman: Uh, hey Jenny. 'Sup? Jenny: What do you want? Cartman: Did you hear about Pete Melman? Pretty messed up, huh? Jenny: [gets her bag lunch, closes her locker and walks away] Yeah, it's gross! [Cartman stands by her locker for a moment, then catches up to her] Cartman: So... whatcha doin' for lunch? Uh, my mom packed me the best stuff. She even baked cupcakes. [takes out a box of cupcakes from his backpack] Jenny: [unimpressed] So what? Cartman: I was just thinking that... m-m-maybe we could... eat lunch together. I've always kind of... [gulps] liked you. Jenny: I don't like you! Cartman: I know. Uh, I know you don't like me back. I ju- Yeah, you know, the- this was stupid, I'm sorry. Will you just take a cupcake? [getting uncomfortable, he puts the cupcake in the box and the box away in his back pack] Oh, don't take the cupc- I, I'm sorry. I, I'm sorry I wasted your time. [walks quickly away] Jenny: Hey. Wait. [Cartman stops and Jenny catches up] Look, I'm sorry. That was mean. I'd love to try one of your mom's cupcakes. Scene Description: Fourth grade, Mr. Garrison's class. The kids have all taken their seats. Mr. Garrison is going over a test on sea life. Mr. Garrison: And now number 17 many of you got wrong as well. The correct answer was D, whales are mammals. [Jenny gets a sharp pain in her stomach] Jenny: Oh! Gahhh. Ohf. Mr. Garrison: They're not fish like some of you retards chose. Cartman: [concerned, while Mr. Garrision is talking] You okay, Jenny? Jenny: Yeah, I'm fine, I just- Awwgh! [can't stand it much longer] M-Mr. Garrison? Can I please [winces] be excused? Cartman: Excused? Oh, oh but we are in the middle of class. [Jenny moans even more] Mr. Garrison: What's the matter? Jenny: Gah, I just need to go to the restroom! Mr. Garrison: Well, okay. Cartman: Uh, Mr. Garrison, I don't think that's quite fair, uh I mean, you rarely let us get up and leave during the class. Jenny: Please! I've gotta go now! Cartman: Well, just give it a couple of minutes, Jenny. It could just be a cramp. Jenny: [leaves her seat] No, Mr. Garrison, I've gotta- go- AAAH! [lets out a wet fart] Class: Eeeeww! [Jenny can't hold it in. Bebe and Stan leave their seats while Cartman stands on his desk] Cartman: Oh, my God! Jenny Simons crapped her pants! [Millie, Token, and Wendy leave] Did you guys hear that?! Oh, my God! [Kyle and Clyde leave] It's WAY worse than Pete Melman was! Kids: Ew! Butters: Sick! Cartman: WAY worse! Timmy: Run. [Jenny begins to bawl] Scene Description: Principal's office faculty lounge. Mr. Adler, Principal Victoria, and Mr. Mackey have gathered again to meet with Cartman. Silence fills the room Principal Victoria: ...The Doctors say that Jenny Simon barely survived the fall. Jumping off the school roof fractured her pelvis. Cartman: Alright, kewl. Mr. Mackey: [shoots back] No, not cool! M'kay, she's on suicide watch, Eric! She's given up on life! Cartman: You said Pete Melman couldn't kill himself! By making Jenny Simons crap her pants worse than Pete, I've made her the number one story on Eavesdropper! [shows them the story on his iPhone] Principal Victoria: [shoving her chair aside. It falls to the floor] That's wasn't the point, Eric! Nobody was supposed to kill themselves! Unless you fix this our deal is off! Cartman: Nobody can be made fun of for crapping their pants, and nobody can die! The three adults: Yes! Cartman: Jesus Christ! [thinks hard] Okay, okay. [squeezes his eyes shut, puts his hands over them, removes the right hand] Um, Jesus- [removes the left hand] ah... Okay, look. [the adults lean in a bit] Okay those, those tests we took last week? The state efficiency tests? How did we do on those? Mr. Mackey: Our students did average, maybe just below average. Cartman: Okay, no, they all did awesome! In fact our students did so good on the tests that you... [turns his head left for a moment, still hasn't opened his eyes] you decided to reward them all. At lunch you're serving the students pizza from Pizza Hut! But we're going to put laxatives and Arby's horsey sauce in the pizza so that every kid in the school craps their pants after recess. Everyone craps their pants, nobody's singled out, problem solved. [Victoria, Adler, and Mackey just stare at him] Principal Victoria: That's insane! Cartman: Okay, well, if you have a better idea, then why am I here? [Mr. Adler looks at Principal Victoria, Principal Victoria looks at Mr. Mackey, Mr. Mackey places a call.] Mr. Mackey: Uh, hi, Jan, it's Counselor Mackey. Uh... how long would it take to organize a Pizza Friday for the students? Yeah, yeah... no, they uh, they actually did really well on the state exam. Yeah, mkay. Scene Description: The school hallway, day. Butters, Craig and Stan are laughing at another Eavesdropper headline as Kyle rounds the corner behind them. Kyle walks up to them Stan: Dude, check it out! Eavesdropper found an e-mail from Jenny Simons' boyfriend calling her "soft-serve Simon." Kyle: That's not funny. Craig: Hey, here's a post about Token: "Token Black's Private Gym Photos" [laughs] Kyle: [rolls his eyes] I'm not looking at that! Stan: Come on, dude, it's pretty funny! Kyle: It wouldn't be funny if that Web site posted something about you! Stan: I wouldn't care. Craig: Exclusive: Stan Marsh thinks Elise Thompson has a hot butt crack. Stan: What? Craig: "In an email sent yesterday to KENNY McCormick, Stan Marsh wrote 'Dude, you should have been in PE today. Elise Thompson's butt crack was totally showing.' He went on to call her butt crack quote 'nice' and that the whole experience was quote 'pretty awesome'." Stan: [sees Kenny and walks up to him at his locker] Kenny! Kenny, what the fuck?! Kenny: (What?) Stan: How did Eavesdropper get a hold of my e-mail to you?! Kenny: (I don't know.) Stan: Do you just leave your e-mails open for everyone to read?! Kenny: (No!) Stan: That was a private e-mail from me to you! [notices a pissed-off Wendy approaching] Hey Wendy. Wendy: You like looking at girls' butt cracks, Stan?! Kenny: (Oh, fuck. I'm gettin' out of here!) [closes his locker and leaves] Stan: No, I was telling Kenny he would like it. Wendy: Do you have any idea how embarrassed I am?! [Stan leans away a bit] Stan: Wendy, it was just a quick e-mail to Kenny. New stories pop up on Eavesdropper every hour. People are gonna forget all about this. Wendy: So you didn't e-mail anybody else about Elise Thompson's butt crack, right?! [Stan stays silent] Scene Description: South Park Elementary Library. Stan has convened a meeting of some of his classmates and is now at the podium Stan: This is an issue of trust and privacy! We have to all work together to put an end to Eavesdropper once and for all! [The others present are Red, Kenny, Butters, Craig (looking at his iPhone), Wendy, Kyle, Bebe, and Token. Kyle raises his hand] Yes, Kyle. Kyle: So, just to be completely clear, now it isn't funny, right? Stan: Ugh, What's funny about having our private lives hacked into?! Wendy: Specially when they're writing about your boyfriend's addiction to crack. [Butters laughs at Wendy's wisecrack in a weird way] Stan: Shut up Butters! What we have to find out is who in the school is running Eavesdropper! I've done an extensive profile, and I've narrowed it down to somebody in this very room! [the other eight look at each other] Now whoever you are, you're a gossiping little bitch! [pounds the podium with his fists] And we're not gonna-! Craig: [reading off his iPhone] It's not somebody in this room. Stan: What? How do you know? Craig: Because whoever it is just now posted a new story on Eavesdropper: "Allison Taft reveals embarrassing secret about Craig Tucker." [laughs] Yeah. Hey wait, that's me. Kyle: Where is it coming from? Craig: Huh? Kyle: If it's on the school network we can track the IP address. [takes Craig's iPhone and sets about tracing the IP address. The kids head into the hallway and pass by the music room] This way. In here. [they stop at the music room door] Whoever it is using the computer in the music room. Stan: We only have music class on Thursday. Wendy: Of course. A kid could use the computer in there and nobody would know. Kyle: Get ready guys. Whoever is in here is the kid that's hacking our e-mails and phone calls! You guys ready?! Stan: Oh I'm ready! Kyle: One. [Stan makes fists and tenses up] Two. Three! [opens the door and the nine kids run in, but they're all surprised at what they see. It's a gerbil typing away into the Eavesdropper Web site. This week on Spee: Jenny Simons Still On Suicide Watch] Craig: It's a rat! [the gerbil noticed them and runs away] Kyle: Get it! [the kids give chase. Craig and Kyle run into each other and fall trying to get the gerbil. Bebe and Token fall giving chase] Stan: Don't let him get away! Token: He's gone! Stan: What the hell? A stupid rat is in charge of Eavesdropper? Kyle: Wikileaks. [Kyle is now at the computer looking at the login screen] It says here his name is Wikileaks. Scene Description: A boy's bedroom, full of panda stuff. On the boy's desk is a cage with a gerbil in it - Lemmiwinks. He runs in his wheel for a while, then steps off it for a sip of water. When he's done, the Frog King appears before him Frog King: Lemmiwinks! I come with news of great gravity. Another rodent is out there, spreading terrible rumors and hacking e-mails. [Lemmiwinks makes some noises] Yes. And I'm afraid the ne ws is worse. The creature doing this, Lemmiwinks, is your brother, Wikileaks! Singer: Wikileaks, the bum hacker with a heart of doom.Everyone knows the gerbil king, but no one ever speaksOf Lemminwinks's brother, the evil Likiweaks... Frog King: Once again Wikileaks is trying to wreak havoc on our world. Only you can stop him, Lemmiweaks. Singer: Lemmiwinks, King of Gerbils, stop your brother of doom! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway. Two girls chat by some lockers Emily: It's just so embarrassing. What if the other girls find out my mother is in rehab? Tammy Nelson: It's okay Emily. Can I tell you a secret? My mom has a drinking problem too. [above them, Wikileaks is recording everything they say] Emily: Really? You too? Tammy Nelson: That's just between us, okay? Emily: Of course, Tammy. I'm really glad I shared this with you. [Stan and his gang spot Wikileaks] Stan: Stop that rat! [Wikileaks jumps off the lockers and runs for the computer lab] Scene Description: The Computer Lab, moments later. Wikileaks jumps onto the first computer he sees, logs in, and starts typing in his latest headline: "TAMMY NELSON AND JEN MARX 'HELP!' OUR MOMS ARE VICIOUS DRUNKS!¡" The gang catches up to Wikileaks Stan: Knock it off! [Wikileaks hops off and heads for the nearest air vent, and makes his escape] Scene Description: The school library. A boy is typing into his iPhone Tommy Edwards: I just want you to know that I have a hure crush on you and- [Wikileaks runs by and snatches the phone away in his teeth] HEY! [Wikileaks runs to the nearest computer, logs in, and types in the latest headline: "TOMMY EDWARDS HAS A CRUSH ON MARLA WATKINS" Butters looks in and spots Wikileaks. Wikileaks notices him] Butters: NO Wikileaks! Bad! Scene Description: The school cafeteria, at that moment. In the kitchen Mr. Adler, Principal Victoria, Cartman, and Mr. Mackey add Ease-Lax laxatives to the pizzas just brought in from Pizza Hut Cartman: Yup, a few more laxatives on that one, a little more Arby's horsey sauce on there, mhm. Mr. Mackey: Eh, Is this one good? Cartman: Yeah, I think they're all ready. Principal Victoria: You sure this will work, Eric? What if some of the students don't eat the pizza? Cartman: It doesn't matter. Enough students will crap their pants to make everyone forget about Pete Melman and Jenny Simons forever. Mr. Mackey: Alright Eric, well, well get back to class. We don't want anyone seeing you in here with us. Cartman: Uh, hold on just a second! I believe we discussed the little matter of my payment?! [leaves the preparation table and faces them] I'm not letting you guys screw me over again. Give me what I wanted, now! Mr. Mackey: Alright, fine. Bring her in, Adler. [Mr. Adler leaves, then returns with a grinning Selena Gomez] Cartman: Oh my God! Selena Gomez! You [gasp] you actually got her to come! [grins] Selena Gomez: Hi Eric. I understand you really wanted to meet me. Wanna get a picture together? Cartman: No thanks. Okay, proceed. Mr. Mackey: I/m sorry about this, Ms. Gomez. [Mr. Mackey punches her on the stomach twice. Cartman is awed, then smiles. Principal Victoria then smashes Gomez on the head with a baking tray] Alright, get her the fuck out of here. [Mr. Adler hauls Ms. Gomes away.] Principal Victoria: Okay, Eric, you got what you wanted. Are we straight? Cartman: That. Was. Amazing. Mr. Mackey: Alright now, get back to class! Adler, get rid of those laxative bottles! Trash all the Arby's horsey sauce packages too! There cannot be one piece of evidence of what we did here! [they hear some small gerbil sounds] What the? [notices Likiweaks on a shelf recording the action] Oh shit! [Wikiweaks runs away] Stop that rat! Scene Description: The boy's bedroom, day. Lemmiwinks is back in his wheel, exercising Frog King: Alright Lemmiwinks, we should probably get going now... The time is nigh, Lemmiwinks. Let us chase your destiny. [The Sparrow Prince flies in through the open window and lands on the upper edge of the gerbil cage] Ah! Sparrow Prince! What news do you bring? Sparrow Prince: Wikileaks grows stronger with each passing moment. [jumps down into the cage] The birds are tweeting that he is about to release his biggest story yet. Frog King: Then the moment is truly here! Come Lemmiwinks! Let us make haste! Le-le-Lemmiwinks? His heart is so heavy. I weep for him. Sparrow Prince: Indeed. Could you do it, Frog Prince? Could you kill your own brother? Frog King: I thank God I don't have to make that decision. [the two of them then just observe Lemmiwinks.] We might need to bring in some outside help. Scene Description: Back in the music room, Stan is on the computer as the other eight kids look on Stan: You see? There, look! It says Eavesdropper's biggest story every is coming out this afternoon. Butters: Biggest story about who? Craig: There's no telling. It could be about any of us. [Stan gets off the computer and notices something happening above him as a blinding light appears. The light softens to reveal the Catatafish] Catatafish: Well met, children of Adam. I, am Catatafish. Singers: Catatafish of the Salmon School. Kyle: What? Catatafish: I come asking for your help. There is only one thing that can stop Wikileaks. But right now Lemmiwinks is being held prisoner. Stan: Lemmiwinks? Our old class gerbil? Kyle: What is that thing? Catatafish: I am Catatafish. I am a great wizard and, I am a friend. And I'm a ghost, besides of course being a fish. Singers: Catatafish's tale will soon be told. Stan: Do you know why a gerbil is running around hacking our phone calls and putting our secrets up on the Internet? Catatafish: He does it purely for reasons of evil. And his treachery is not limited to humans. Wikileaks posted exaggerated things about me, too. He posted on his Web site that I had sex with an underage fish, and that I made her perform bass to mouth. If you accept this quest you will help the Gerbil King defeat Wikileaks once and for all! But the choice is yours. I'm not here to make you do anything. Like that underage salmon. I didn't make her do anything. If she wants to do bass to mouth, how is it my fault? Singers: Catatafish made a salmon suck asshole.</poem> Catatafish: No! No, see, that's wrong! It's being exaggerated again! Kyle: Just tell us where Lemmiwinks is being held prisoner so we can kill this stupid rat! Catatafish: Careful child! I assure you, Wikileaks is anything but stupid, except when he said I made that teenage fish perform ass to trout. That was stupid and untrue. Did I say ass to trout? I meant to say bass to mouth, though I guess it's basically the same thing, not that I did it. Scene Description: The faculty restroom. Principal Victoria looks outside to make sure there's no one or nothing around, then closes the door and locks it. Mr. Mackey checks behind the mirrors for bugs while Mr. Adler checks the stalls Principal Victoria: Alright, are we sure we're alone? Mr. Mackey: We're alone, now what the hell are we gonna do? Mr. Adler: What can we do? We're all gonna get fired! Principal Victoria: This story hasn't gone up on Eavesdropper yet. Maybe it won't! Mr. Mackey: Oh right! "The School Faculty Tries To Poison All Their Students." That's not gonna be on Wikileaks! Mr. Adler: Oh, let's just face it: We made our beds when we enlisted Eric Cartman's help. We have to lie in them. Mr. Mackey: All we were tryin' to do was keep another one of our students from killing themselves! We're not bad! Principal Victoria: No, no, we're not bad. Mr. Mackey: We're not bad. I mean, maybe what we needed was just to think outside the box here. I mean, if there's anything we've learned is that the only thing that makes a juicy story go away is a juicier story. Principal Victoria: What's a bigger story than all the students being made sick? Mr. Adler: Our students committing suicide? Mr. Mackey: Hey that's right. Corey Duran killed himself last year and we're STILL dealing with the fallout. Maybe there is a way out of this. But we're gonna have to throw Eric Cartman under the bus. Mr. Adler: How do we do that? Mr. Mackey: We get a bus... and then we... throw Eric Cartman under it. Scene Description: The boy's house, day. The gang of nine kids has arrived at Lemmiwinks' new home and Stan and Kyle are pounding on the front door. Mrs. Trumski: [answering the door] Yes? Stan: Hi. Does a Vernon Trumski live here? Mrs. Trumski: Yes, Vernon's around somewhere. Stan: Come on, guys! [charges in with the other kids. Mrs. Trumski is about to close the door when Catatafish floats in] Catatafish: Excuse me. Scene Description: Vernon's room, moments later. The kids find Lemmiwinks in his cage Butters: There he is! [the kids go to the cage] It's Lemmiwinks! [climbs the chair beside Lemminwink's cage] Stan: Quick, we need something to carry him in! Kyle: Here's a shoebox! [goes for the shoebox. Vernon walks in at that moment] Vernon: Hey! What are you doing with my gerbil?! Stan: We just need to borrow him, kid. [Kyle hands the box to Butters] Vernon: MOOOM! SOME KIDS ARE STEALING MY GERBIL! Stan: [walks up to Vernon] Look dude, we don't have much time. Wikileaks is about to post his biggest scoop ever on Eavesdropper! Lemmiwinks can stop him! Vernon: MOOOM! [Frogn King and Sparrow Prince appear in the middle of the room, hovering, and Vernon and the others notice] Frog King: There's no time, children! You must take Lemmiwinks now! Kyle: Grab him! [Butters scoops Lemmiwinks into the shoe box and the group runs out the front door] Vernon: [stops just outside the front door] MOOOM! [the group runs down the street] Singers: Go Lemmiwinks! Stop Wikileaks! Frog King: Quickly! We must get to the school! [the group makes it to a bus stop just as a transit bus is pulling away]</poem> Stan: Whoa whoa wait, wait! [the bus stops, the door opens, and the group gets on] Scene Description: Inside the bus, the kids and the ghost animals take seats Singers: Run, run, the battle's on! Wikileaks and Lemmiwinks. Run, run, the battle's on! Stan: Can't this thing go any faster? Butters: Hang on, Lemmiwinks! Singers: Go Lemmiwinks! Stop Wikileaks! Run, run, the battle's on! Wikileaks and Lemmiwinks. Run, run, the battle's on! Stan: Craig, are we still clear? Craig: Nothing broke on the Web site yet. Frog King: Faster driver! The final battle is about to begin! [the driver speeds up] Singers: Go Lemmiwinks! Stop Wikileaks! Scene Description: From out of nowhere Mr. Adler and Mr. Mackey toss a bound and gagged Cartman onto the road and watch as the bus runs over him. Principal Victoria is with them. The bus rolls a bit further, but stops due to a broken muffler. The door opens and the group steps out Kyle: What the hell happened?! Mr. Mackey: Oh! Oh God! Oh God he killed himself! Eric Cartman killed himself! Did you see that? Oh why would he do it? [pulls out a letter] Oh wait uh here, here's a suicide note. Mkay. [opens it up and reads it:] Dear Guys, I just cannot go on mkay. I'm tired of being FAT, mkay, and I have to end it all. Mkay. -Eric Cartman. Stan: Please, can this wait? A big story is about to about to come out on Eavesdropper and we have the only way to stop it! Mr. Mackey: [thinks a moment] Well why the hell didn't you say so! Come on, let's go! Frog King: To battle! Scene Description: South Park, midtown. Principal Victoria has got everyone packed in her car and races down the street to get to the school Singers: Go Lemmiwinks! Stop Wikileaks! Frog King: Quickly, while Lemmiwinks still has it in him! Scene Description: South Park Elementary. Principal Victoria arrives at school and the group pours out of her car and rushes into the school Singers: Run, run, the battle's on! Wikileaks and Lemmiwinks. Run, run, the battle's on! Scene Description: The music room, moments later. Wikileaks types furiously to get the scoop out: "SCHOOL FACULTY TRIES TO POISON STUDENTS!!" Stan leads the group into the music room Stan: Stop right there, you little rat! Singers: Go Lemmiwinks! Stop Wikileaks! Run, run, the battle's on! Wikileaks and Lemmiwinks. Go Lemmiwinks! Stop Wikileaks! Frog King: [appears before Wikileaks and stops him] Wikileaks, you have chosen a path of evil and now you shall pay. Sparrow Prince, Catatafish! [Sparrow Prince and Catatafish descend on the shoebox and open it. Lemmiwinks peeks out, then leaves the box] Scene Description: The battle begins. The two gerbils stand on their hind legs and face off. Wikileaks runs off and Lemmiwinks quickly follows. The camera tries to follow the action, but gets shaky. The gerbils dance around each other for a few seconds, then rush at each other and fight. Frog King: Oh dude, he is fucking him up! Butters: Look! I think Lemmiwinks killed him! [Indeed. Lemmiwinks had bit Wikileaks on the jugular and Wikileaks is bleeding. Wikileaks soon stops moving and Lemmiwinks gets off him] Frog King: He did it! Mr. Mackey: [walks over to the computer and gets to work] Okay, let's just delete all this tabloid garbage, mkay. Scene Description: South Park Elementary hallway, some days later. Stan puts his stuff away in his locker and closes it. He walks over to Kyle, Kenny... and Cartman, who has casts on his right arm and right leg, and who's walking with a crutch Stan: Phew. I'm sure glad that's over with. Kyle: Yeah, but you know? I think we all learned an important lesson about laughing at other people's misfortunes. Cartman: Boy, I say. Mr. Mackey: [rounds the corner and sees Cartman] Oh Eric! Uh, Eric, I know we kinda threw you under the bus, mkay, but I hope you understand the faculty didn't really have a choice. Cartman: It's okay Mr. Mackey. I'm totally over it. Mr. Mackey: Well I think you're being very mature about this, Eric. It was an overly generous move to give all the faculty those cupcakes. I wanna thank you. Mkay. Cartman: Oh, you're most certainly welcome. Mr. Mackey: [walks through them and continues down the hallway] Well students, why don't we uh- [feels a pain in his stomach] Oooh. Oh, gee, uh... Cartman: Are you feeling okay, Mr. Mackey? Mr. Mackey: Yeah, I j-I just uh I'll be right back. Oh! [lets out a wet fart] Aaaah! Oh it's bad! [so bad bits of shit shoot out his pants onto the floor] Excuse me kids, I need to run, I gotta WUUGH! [that last movement made him fly into the ceiling and back to the floor] OW! Cartman: [softly] I put a lot of Arby's horsey sauce on those. Mr. Mackey: [stands up] Okay, can somebody get me some paper towels?? Or maybe a [poot. He hits the ceiling again and falls on his face] Ooowww, okay! [begins to slide down the hallway propelled by the poop and gas coming out his ass] Ooohhh, it's bad! Frog King: Congratulations, Lemmiwinks. Sparrow Prince: Thanks to you, private lives will stay private. Catatafish: Yes, we are all free once again to make teenagers do bass to mouth. Frog King: Just one question Lemmiwinks: How does it feel to have killed your own brother? [Lemmiwinks just gets up and walks away] Le-Lemmiwinks? [no answer] He's devastated. Sparrow Prince: Yup, he's devastated.

Scene Description: The USGS in Colorado. Four men are shown at their desks working. Nelson is front and center, Randy is behind him to his right, and two more men work behind them Randy: I mean, look guys, I know it's just the Dolphins, but Tebow is definitely our quarterback for the future. What do you think, Nelson? Peter Nelson: I didn't see the game. Randy: [soft sneeze] You didn't see the game? What the hell were you doing? Peter Nelson: Took the wife down to Denver to see that new musical in town. Randy: A musical? [laughs and rises from his chair to approach him] Nelson couldn't watch football 'cause his wife made him take her to a musical! [laughs while moving around the desk] Worker 1: [bearded] Good for you, Nelson. Did you get a blowjob afterwards? Peter Nelson: Sure did. Worker 2: [clean-shaven] Niice. [Randy's smile turns into a frown] Randy: What? Worker 1: I took my girl to see that show last week. Got the best hummer of my entire life afterwards. Peter Nelson: Forty-five minutes non-stop. Randy: [surprised, then] Nuh uh. Worker 2: It's true. I'm taking my wife on Saturday bro. Randy: [looks back at him for a few seconds] Noh uh. Peter Nelson: I'm telling you Randy, put your time in with the musical, and the rewards afterwards are awesome. Randy: Must be... a pretty hot and steamy show. What's it called? Peter Nelson: Wicked. Randy: [interested] Oh. Wicked. Scene Description: Denver, night. Wicked is playing Singers: ...Heaven knows we know what goodness is O heaven knows wicked people aren't good. From head to toe, she was just wicked people Head to toe... She wasn't good, to know what goodness is... Scene Description: During the song, Sharon has her hands over her heart and she's thoroughly enchanted. Randy studies her reactions. Onstage several actors sing their hearts out. One actress descends from the rafters on a large circular ornament. Randy keeps studying Sharon Randy: Hey do you uh, do you want some alcohol or somethin', Sharon? Sharon: Nono, I'm good, thanks. Randy: Okay, I'll be right back. [gets up and heads for the aisle, passing a couple on the way] 'Scuse me, sorry. [leaves the auditorium] Scene Description: a bar in the theater. Randy walks up to it and takes a seat. Another man is already at the bar with the bartender Randy: Can I get a scotch and soda? [the bartender goes off to prepare it] Man 1: Enjoying the show? Randy: [nervous at first] Oh, yeah, it's not really what I expected. Man 1: No? Randy: To be honest, I'm just here for the blowjob. From what I heard I figured the show must be really sexy and hot, but... I just don't see it happening. Man 1: Oh, it'll happen, don't worry. Right now your wife is being shot so full of subliminal messages, all she'll be thinking about afterwards is "blowjob." Randy: Subliminal messages? Man 1: It's a musical thing. Women are so caught up in all the singing and dancing they don't even notice it but, there's a blowjob reference almost every ten seconds. Broadway writers call it "subtext." Just listen really, really closely. Scene Description: The auditorium. Randy returns to his seat The Wizard: While you'll do great here in the Emerald City, I'm sure you can't wait to go! Singers: Take me away to that special place (that blowjob place) Where people like us can all live free (Free to give blowjobs) Take me away and let's live together That's the place/blowjobs for you (blowjobs) and me Scene Description: A man and woman sing next, alternating lines Witches: Now let's try ... defying ... gravity ... Male: ... Look at them ... becoming friends ... here in Oz, you love blowjobs. Witches: And new loves cry ... defying ... gravity ... Male: ... Suddenly ... Don't you love free love blowjobs? Scene Description: The drive home. Sharon's happily looking up beyond the car ceiling Sharon: Oho that was so much fun! All the costumes and the sets were amazing! I really love the songs. That Stephen Schwartz is a genius! I've got them all stuck in my head. [swoons a bit, then looks at Randy, then at his crotch, then at him again] Hey, that was such a treat. How would you like a little treat? [looks at his crotch again. Randy looks at her in surprise. She giggles and takes off her seatbelt, then leans over and begins to give him a blowjob] Randy: [softly] Whoa, no way! Scene Description: Park County Recreation Center, day. It has an aquatic center, and in there a bunch of kids stand in line for turns on the diving board. One fat kid is on the diving board wearing a life preserver. Waiting for the board are Stan, Cartman, Shelly, Kenny, and Clyde, amongst others. The fat kid is quite afraid and is crying Stan: Come on, Larry! [Larry continues crying] Dude, why does this happen every time? Shelly: Do something, you stupid vegan! Cartman: Coach! Feegan the vegan won't jump off the board! Hey Coach! Scene Description: At the other end of the pool are Coach Randy and his coworkers, and Stephen Stotch Randy: You just don't get it, Stotch! I'm telling you, go see Wicked! It's the best time! Man 2: How long was it? Randy: She started in the car, and then it lasted the whole drive home, and then, she kept going for like another twenty minutes. Worker 2: Nice, bro! Randy: Get tickets, Stotch, it's worth it. Stephen: What was the show about? Randy: Uh, shit, I don't know, some green chick and a goat or something. Scene Description: The diving board. Larry is still crying up there. Shelly makes her move. Stan: Come on, Feegan, either jump or get off! [Shelly walks up the little ladder to the board and jumps up and down] Shelly: Go! Go! [Larry bounces up and down crying, but doesn't fall into the water] Scene Description: The other end of the pool Randy: Look, I thought Broadway musicals weren't for me either, but I just didn't know about the whole subtext thing, you know? I couldn't really appreciate 'em till now. Worker 2: Wicked isn't even the best, bro. You've gotta check out Jersey Boys! It makes women hummer crazy! Randy: Really?? Worker 1: Nonono, have you see South Pacific? That's a jaw-breaker. Scene Description: The Marsh house. Sharon is at the computer when Randy walks in Randy: Say Sharon, how would you like to go to New York for the weekend? Sharon: [gets off the chair] What?? Randy, are you serious?? Randy: [walks up to Sharon and hugs her] I got plane tickets and a hotel room! We leave in three hours! Sharon: Oh my God, first you take me to Wicked and now this? Stan: Hey wait, Dad, are you guys really going away? What about us? Randy: Oh don't worry. I've taken care of everything! You're staying the weekend with the Feegans! Shelly: Not the vegans! Stan: No. Dad. Please don't do this! Scene Description: The Feegan home, arguably the nicest house ever shown in South Park. The Feegans are indeed vegans, eating a dinner of mushrooms, alfalfa sprouts, vegan hot dogs, and tofu. They're also something of survivalists, as they all wear life preservers Mr. Feegan: It takes a lot of guts to be a vegan in today's world! You get labeled "soft" or "silly." [he must have been talking for a while, for Stan and Shelly look bored] But the truth is there isn't a need to eat animal products. Would you ever believe that hot dog was vegan? Shelly: Yes. Mr. Feegan: Cancer, heart disease, drowning, all preventable with a vegan diet and a life jacket. And if people wanna say us vegans are silly, well they can just laugh all they want, 'cause being vegan is more important than being popular! Shelly: Maybe you should let your son decide that for himself. [Larry is stunned and drops his fork, then looks as his parents' reactions. His parents are stunned too, but grow angry] Mr. Feegan: He does decide for himself! Larry's been a vegan since he was born! [Larry waves at her to keep going] Shelly: Maybe if Larry had a nice steak once in a while he wouldn't get beat up by every kid in school. [Larry signals for her to keep 'em coming] Mr. Feegan: You know that when you think you have the flu, you're actually experiencing the gastrointestinal effects of contaminated meats or eggs? Researchers have found that in meat-eating households there is more fecal bacteria in the kitchen sinks than in the toilets. Stan: [just outside the dining room on the phone with Randy while Mr. Feegan speaks.] Dad? Dad, you have to come back. This isn't working out. [no answer] Please answer the phone Dad. [no answer. He looks around] Dad? Scene Description: Times Square, New York, night. A huge Cup Of Soup sign looms over the square, which is filled with taxis and advertisements for everything. A taxi takes Randy and Sharon around town. An original song, "Man Time," plays. First the Marshes watch "Cats." A couple behind them doesn't waste any time - the woman gives her man a blowjob during the play. Randy notices and the man puts up his left thumb. Randy approves with his right thumb. The doors open and everyone exits "Sister Act." Sharon whispers in Randy's ear and Randy brightens up, responds, and the couple goes away happily. Country Singer: Man time! I need some Man Time! I got the horses fed and the truck locked up, been workin' my fingers to the bone. Now I need a little bit of man time, gonna see me a Broadway show! Scene Description: Next play is "Anything Goes" Female Sailor: Anything goes Male Sailor 1: Blowjob! Female Sailor: Anything goes Male Sailor 2: Blowjob! Scene Description: Next is "Godspell" Singers: Man time! Females: Hear things more clearly Males: Day blowjob day! Scene Description: Randy and Sharon are in a taxi again, and stop to see "The Jersey Boys." Then they're in a taxi and Sharon gives Randy a blowjob. Scene Description: "Jersey Boys" Country Singer: I'm about to get drunk and loud, gonna have me a rowdy good time. All I need is my girl and my truck and some Rodgers and Hammerstein! Scene Description: Next, they're holding hands at "The Phantom of the Opera" Christine: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH The Phantom: Sing, my angel of blowjob music! Scene Description: Next, they're watching "Les Misérables" Female: But the tigers come at night! Male: On you bed Scene Description: Finally they watch "Sunday in the Park with George" Singers: Man time! Males: ...job, blowjob. Females: It's cold up here, I'm locked up here Scene Description: The Marshes are on a plane out of New York Singers: Man time! Scene Description: Randy is falling asleep, to Sharon gives him another blowjob, and he's awake and happy. Singers: Man time! Scene Description: Hooters, evening. Over curly fries and beer, Randy is sharing his trip with the group of men who were present at the aquatic center Randy: Oh man! It was great! A different Broadway show every night! I'm telling you guys, New York is the place to be! Man 2: Sounds like a dream, bro. Randy: It felt like a dream, bro. Broadway is simply the greatest time a dude can have. Just kind of sucks to be back here now, you know? I mean there's no culture here. Only Broadway show in Denver is "Wicked" and I've already taken Sharon to see it twenty three times. Worker 1: And Wicked moves to Seattle in a couple of weeks. Peter Nelson: It's gonna be blue balls for all of us. Stephen: Wish we could live in New York where all the musicals are. Randy: Hey. Wait a minute. Why not bring Broadway to South Park? Bob: Huh? Randy: [gets up and walks off a bit] Think about it, brah. How hard can writing a musical be? We need some musicians, some actors. We can put on our own shows right here in town. Scene Description: At a playhouse. Randy has begun rehearsals for his own musical. Onstage are the actors and a park bench Lady 1: [dressed in cyan] O what a glorious Sunday. I know what I'd like to do with my time. [walks up to man nearby] Would you like a blowjob? Man 3: Yes I would like a blowjob [smiles] Both: Nothing beats a blowjob on football Sunday. Lady 1: [approaches a man on a bench] Excuse me, I'm the queen of blowjobs. Man 4: Really? I would love a blowjob. All: A woman should give blowjobs on football Sunday Lady 1: I want to be covered in semen on a bed in the Hotel Jerome [the park bench is pulled away and the actors gather around her] A woman is prettiest covered in semen. All: Give you husband a blowjob when you get home. Man 4: [to Lady 2, dressed in pink] And what about you, my fair lady? Could I trouble you for a quick Lewinsky? Lady 2: Oh I don't know, kind sir. Blowjobs seem a little degrading to me. Man 4: Come now, a blowjob isn't with your mouth, it's with your heart. Men: Now get on your knees and put that heart to work! All: Blowjobs, give up your blowjobs. Scene Description: concurrent Men: You're guilty at blowjobs, you love giving blowjobs Women: ... Blowjobs, ...blowjobs, ...blowjobs, ...blowjobs Scene Description: together Singers: So what could be better on a football Sunday? What could be better on a football Sunday? Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. Larry walks up with a daisy and knocks. Shelly opens the door and they look at each other for a few more seconds Shelly: What do you want, Larry? [Larry raises the daisy up slowly, presenting it to her] Larry: Today, I went to 7-11 and I ate a Slim Jim. It was the greatest thing I ever tasted. Nobody ever stood up for me before. [sets the daisy on the landing, then turns around and trots off. Shelly looks on in wonder] Scene Description: The playhouse, next day. More rehearsals. Man 4's stage name is now given Lady 1: Oh Reginald! How about a hummer at halftime? A Super Bowl suckle from me? Reginald: A Super bowl hummer at halftime from my lovely blowjob queen! Both: Two people in love it's amazing. Tim Tebow please don't let us down. How about a hummer at halftime-? Representative: Mr. Randy Marsh? Randy: And hold! [the stage falls silent] Sorry folks, we're in a hold. Just freeze right there. [to the representative] Uhh, this better be important. Representative: It is. I represent some of the biggest names in all of Broadway. They wish to speak with you. Randy: Really? Oh my Gaw! [to the cast] Take a break, guys. this could be it! Scene Description: Hooters, day. The messenger and Randy walk in and towards a table Representative: Mr. Marsh, this is Andrew Lloyd Webber [eating a drumstick] Webber: Helleow. Representative: Stephen Schwartz Schwartz: [gruffly] Hey bro. Representative: Mr. Elton John. [Elton John belches] and Stephen Sondheim. Sondheim: Sup bro? Randy: Not much, sup with you guys? Sondheim: No. I mean, "sup, bro!" Webber: Sit down, Mr. Marsh, we need to have a talk. [Randy takes a seat] Schwartz: We got wind of your musical. Just what the hell do you think you're doing? Randy: Same as you guys. Trying to get men lengthier, better-quality blowjobs. Elton John: You're making it too obvious! Women are gonna figure out what we're doin'! Sondheim: Musicals are about subtext! Randy: My musical has lots of subtext. Sondheim: "A blowjob isn't with your mouth, it's with your heart. Now get on your knees and put that heart to work." Randy: And then she does. It's a metaphor. Schwartz: Bro! What's metaphorical about a musical called "Splooge-Drenched Blowjob Queen"?! Webber: Tricking bitches into hour-long blowjobs is an art form. You have to leave it to the professionals! Randy: [rises] Well sorry if you guys think you have a monopoly on subtext! But us up-and-comers have a voice too! Sondheim: You're gonna ruin everything, you idiot! Randy: Sorry if my work isn't up to your standards! [rises, moving his chair aside] And now I need to get back to rehearsals. [leaves, then stops and turns around] Oh. And if "Splooge-Drenched Blowjob Queen" wins the Tony, don't expect to be invited to my after party. [turns around and walks out] Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. Larry walks up and knocks. Shelly opens the door and they look at each other for a few seconds. Larry now has a tiny guitar Shelly: What do you want, Larry? [he begins to play her a tune] Larry: You make me come out of my shell, Shelly. You give me strength where there was only fear I ate at a Burger King today, Shelly And stood up to a boy who called me "queer" When you pushed me off the diving board I ...fell. And you make the world a nicer place, Shelly So I can come out of my... shell. [sets the guitar on the landing, then slowly takes off his life preserver and sets it on the landing as well. He turns around and trots off again. He makes a right on the sidewalk and runs] Shelly: Hey! [Larry stops and looks back] Do you wanna play Settlers of Catan on Xbox? [Larry turns around] Scene Description: Back at the playhouse, Randy continues with rehearsals. The Queen carries a Broncos flag Actors: Blow- job- Queen! Don't stop giving that blowjob. Even when you're tired, don't stop! Don't stop! Shaaaaroooon! Worker 2: [leads the group of Randy's friends] Randy! Randy, brah! Randy: [to the cast] Uh, and hold. [the stage falls silent] Sorry folks, we're in a hold. [the actors are frozen in place] What is it now? Worker 2: Stephen Sondheim is really pissed off, Randy. He says he wants to challenge you to a bro down. Randy: [stunned at first, then gets angry] Fine! He wants to bro down?! I'll bro down! [leaves the table and walks up the aisle towards the exit] Worker 2: Randy, no! Stephen Sondheim is the greatest Broadway composer alive today! Perhaps the greatest of all time! You do NOT want to bro down with him. Randy: [quietly] Then what am I supposed to do?! Run? Man 2: Don't bro down against Sondheim, Randy! It's suicide! Randy: I've studied musicals! I've seen them all! I could do this! [turns] Let's bro down! [goes out the doors] Scene Description: The Marsh house, Shelly's room. This is the first time we see it. Larry: Oh no, you built another settlement? Shelly: And I got a victory point for the most roads connecting settlements. Larry: [laughing merrily] Oh wow! Scene Description: The living room below. Sharon and Mrs. Feegan enjoy some tea between them Mrs. Feegan: They're having such a great time together. I really wanna thank you, Sharon. Sharon: No, no, little Larry is really making Shelly come out of her shell too. Mrs. Feegan: I have to admit it makes me a little nervous having Larry up there without a life preserver on, but I guess we have to take changes sometimes. Sharon: That's what we're doing, putting our faith in Randy's new musical. Mrs. Feegan: That's right, I, I hear his musical is getting a lot of attention, that it really has a chance of making it. Sharon: Oho, more than a chance. Randy's actually having a meeting right now with Stephen Sondheim. Scene Description: Hooters parking lot, at that very moment. A crowd of bros watch Randy and Sondheim face off, circling each other Randy: Whassup brah?! Sondheim: What brah?! Randy: Sup brah?! Sondheim: Take a swing, brah! Randy: Right here, brah! [they continue circling each other] Webber: Let's go, Sondheim! Wipe the street with his punk ass! Randy: What makes you the brauthority brah?! Sondheim: West Side Story, brah! Randy: What brah?! Sondheim: Sweeney Todd, brah! Randy: What brah?! What brah?! Sondheim: Merrily We Rode Along, bro! Why you gotta disrespect, bro?! Randy: I do respect you, bro! Sondheim: Show some respect, bro! Randy: I do respect you, bro! Sondheim: Then stop disrespectin', bro! Randy: I respect you, bro! Sondheim: Okay, I respect you too! Randy: Okay! [the two men stay quiet begin to relax] Schwartz: The bro down is over! Let's bro out! Spectator: Bro out! Spectator 2: Party people! Scene Description: Hooters, later. Randy sits between Webber and Sondheim. The combatants now share some beer, clinking their mugs together Randy: Oh man, I'm so glad we put our differences aside! That's what bros do! Schwartz: That's what bros fuckin' do! Sondheim: You're alright, Marsh. If it's cool with you, bro, Elton and Andrew and all of us wanna help you with your musical. Randy: Hey, really?? Elton John: Yeh. We can help youse out a li'l bit with the subtext. [checks out a waitress as she passes by - first her breasts, then her face] Webber: How about instead of "Splooge-Drenched Blowjob Queen" we call it... "The Woman In White" Randy: Oh, that is beautiful! Bros: [all approve] Yeeeeeeeah! Sondheim: And a cheer to Randy Marsh. Welcome... to Bro'dway. Randy: Bro'dwaaay! Sondheim: Wooooooooooo! Webber: Woohoo! Scene Description: The Marsh house, night. Randy walks into the living room Randy: Ooof. [rubs the back of his head for a moment, then walks by the sofa, where Sharon is reading a book] Sharon: Hey hun. Randy: Hi babe. Sorry, I'm... [stops behind the sofa] kind of hanging out with the guys. Sharon: Ruhur-Randy, it's fine. You do plenty with me. Did you have a good time? Randy: Yeah, yeah, and we really made some progress with the show. Andrew Lloyd Webber and those guys are gonna help us with it. Sharon: Oho Randy, that's great! I'm really proud of you. Randy: Aw Sharon, you're the best. I'm not feeling a hundred percent; do you care if I go lay down? Sharon: Of course not, go ahead, hun. Randy: [heads for the stairs] Alright babe. Sharon: I'm just gonna wait up for Shelly. Randy: Okay. What's Shelly doing? Sharon: I gave her those tickets to "Wicked." [Randy stops and looks back at Sharon] She's seeing it with her little boyfriend. Randy: [does a double take, then plants his hands on the bannister] She's WHAT?! Sharon: Yeah, her and little Larry Feegan. They're going to see "Wicked" together. It's Shelly's first Broadway musical. Randy: OH! [runs back outside] Shelly! Hold on! [closes the door. Sharon just watches him go and smiles] Scene Description: On the road to Denver. Randy has gone back for Sharon and is driving madly down the road. He mows down a mailbox Sharon: Randy, slow down! Jesus Christ! Randy: AWWWWWWW! Why didn't you tell me Shelly was gonna see "Wicked"?! Sharon: Why does it matter?! Randy: She's too young for that stuff! Sharon: Too young?! Randy: This is what I get! I drank from the lie that is Broadway and now it has my daughter! Sharon: That's it, Randy! Turn this car around right now! Randy: I can't! Sharon: WHY?! Randy: Aww! Alright, look. There's something I should have told you a long time ago, Sharon. Broadway musicals... aren't what you think they are! They're subliminal propaganda to get women to give more blowjobs! On the outside it's all singing and dancing, but buried in it are commands to perform oral sex. It's called subtext. Sharon: [crosses her arms and looks away] That's ridiculous! Musicals don't make me wanna give blowjobs! Randy: D'augh. Do you remember the night after we saw "Wicked"? Sharon: Yes. Oh... Well, yeah, but- Randy: And after "Lion King" in New York? "Godspell"? "Mamma Mia"? Sharon: Oh my gosh. Randy: Broadway shows' sole purpose is to make women famished for blowjobs! I'm so sorry Sharon. Sharon: Nuh-nn No, this is crazy! Musical theater people are respected. Refined. Cultured. Randy: No, they're... they're bros, Sharon. Stephen Sondheim, Elton John, Andrew Lloyd Webber... They're total bros who hang out at Hooters. Sharon, I'm so sorry. Sharon: It can't be! I've loved Broadway musicals ever since I saw "Grease" with Jacob Harrison and his brother Kip and we- [gasps and puts her hands over her heart] Oh my God! Randy: AAAA! Sharon: AAAA! Randy: Shelly! [steps on the gas pedal, and the car goes past 60 mph] Scene Description: At the Denver Playhouse. Larry and Shelly are watching the play. Singers: No one cares about wicked people. Now she's gone but we don't care. And are we gonna live in peace, and all live free, you'll see. O Heaven knows we know what goodness is O heaven knows wicked people aren't good. From head to toe- Scene Description: During the singing Randy: [stopping by random rows] Shelly? Shelly? [he finds her and gets to her row] Shelly, come on. We have to go! Shelly: Dad, what are you doing here? Randy: Right now, Shelly! [A woman sitting by the aisle shushes him] Shelly, you are not watching this trash! Now, come on! Elderly Man: Would you mind?! I'm trying to enjoy this musical with my granddaughter! Randy: Oh you fucking pervert! Usher: Alright, get the hell out of here, you! [he and another usher haul him away] Randy: Shelly! [the two ushers take him outside and away from the playhouse, then push him away.] Scene Description: Outside the playhouse. Randy stumbles and falls in front of Creepy City Costumes & Novelties. Sharon catches up with him Sharon: Randy! [Randy gets up and smashes a window open with his left elbow, then reaches in. Sharon turns away so she doesn't get hit with shards of glass, then turns back] Randy, what are you doing?! Randy: [bent over, putting on a costume] It's time to put an end to Broadway once and for all! [gets up dressed as Spider-Man, and puts on the mask last. He runs back into the playhouse] Scene Description: Back inside the playhouse The Wizard: While you'll do great here in the Emerald City, I'm sure you can't wait to go! Singers: Scene Description: During the song, a shot of Larry and Shelly is shown. Onstage a witch moves towards on stage, only to be kicked away by Randy as he swings down from the rafters Audience: Ohhhh. Scene Description: Randy comes back around and kicks down another actor. He then swings up into the audience and almost kicks a man in the balcony Audience Member: Hey, it's Spider-Man Scene Description: on his way down, Randy kicks a few audience members out of their seats Randy: Sorry! Sorry. Scene Description: Randy knocks out three more cast members on stage, then goes up into the rafter. He strikes a water main and knocks out the valve, releasing the water onto the stage and audience Randy: Agh! [swings onto one of the side balconies, knocking out a man. Randy gets his bearings on a rail and swings back towards the orchestra pit. He knocks out the conductor and finds himself dangling from a chandelier, the cable wrapped around his right ankle. The stage lights go out and the house lights come on] Announcer: Sorry folks, we are in a hold. We are in a hold. Audience: Awwwwww. [And that ends that showing] Scene Description: The Marsh house, night. Shelly's in her bed, watching TV. Her bedroom door is ajar Field Reporter: The musical came to a screeching halt as patrons flooded out the exits and water flooded the theater. [one of the actors is being led to an ambulance] The only fatality was a young boy who could not get out of the theater in time. The fire chief said it was unfortunate the child was not wearing a life preserver. [Shelly begins to sob softly] Randy: [looks in, then opens the door some more and enters] Shelly, I'm sorry your little friend was killed by Spider-Man tonight. Just know that... for Spider-Man to do what he did, he must have had a very good reason. Spider-Man works in mysterious ways, Shelly. And wherever he is, he loves you. [backs out and closes the door] Scene Description: The master bedroom. Sharon is already in bed and Randy slips in next to her Randy: [glancing at Sharon from time to time] It's just so... wrong! For men to m- manipulate women like that! I don't care how much singing and dancing there is, a woman's mouth is sacred! Tomorrow I am calling Woman's Day magazine, and exposing the whole conspiracy! [looks at Sharon] I'm sorry, Sharon. I love you. [lies down] I shouldn't have tried to brainwash you. You have every right to be mad. Sharon: I don't know if I can really be that mad at you for doing something every guy in America does. Randy: Really? Sharon: [sits up] Oh Randy, [kneels before him. Randy sits up] the bottom line is I love going to those shows. If the fallout from that is I make you really happy for a while, well, I guess they're actually a pretty magical thing. Randy: [rises and kneels before her] Oh Sharon, you're the best. [they laugh and hug each other] Sharon: So, what Broadway show do you think is coming to Denver next? Randy: I don't know, but whatever it is, it's worth the ticket price, because couples that pay to see it are stronger, better, and much, much happier. Announcer: "The Book of Mormon." You'll get a blowjob.

Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The school has been assembled in the auditorium. Principal Victoria, Mr. Adler, and Mr. Mackey are on stage with a representative from SPUSD, or something. The image the rep stands in front of is the presidential seal, with the words "PRESIDENT'S COUNCIL ON FITNESS, SPORTS & NUTRITION" written on it Board rep: Last week the students of this school participated in the Presidential Fitness Test. I'm sad to announce that South Park Elementary scored the lowest in health and fitness in the entire country. [Stan and Kyle look at each other] On the whole, you students actually scored fine. But the President's Fitness Test is scored on a school-wide average, and one fourth grader at this school scored so low, with a terrifying body fat score, [Cartman knows the man is talking about him], and high blood pressure and the cholesterol levels of a seventy-year-old man, that it actually brought you entire school's average down to the lowest in the country. [Cartman yawns] However, the Presidential Fitness Program never wants to single out one child, because then that child might feel bad. And so as far as we're concerned, you're all a bunch of fat fuckin' pigs. Principal Victoria: Ah, could you please use a little different terminology? Board rep: Sorry. As far as the board is concerned, you're all a bunch of fat fuckin' pigs. And so it is the recommendation of this board that every week, each class will alternate turns, giving up their recesses and instead reporting to PE. Assembly: AWWW! Scene Description: The school gym, day. Mr. Garrison's class is in PE Coach: Alright, fourth grade class, you're up first. We're gonna do some rope-climbin'. Stan: God this sucks! Kyle: Four weeks we gotta do this? Cartman: Well let's just suck it up, guys. All we can try to do is have a positive attitude about it. [Stan, Kyle, and some other kids are not amused] Coach: Alright McCormick, let's start with you. Climb the rope. [Kenny approaches the rope, jumps up, and starts climbing] Cartman: Heheh! Look at Kenny. He's so poor, huh you guys? His family's so poor they couldn't pay the three ninety nine for the gym outfit. [Kenny climbs down and Kyle approaches] Coach: Alright, let's go Broflovski. [Kyle jumps on and starts climbing] Cartman: Heheheheheh! Look you guys, a Jew on a rope. You know what they call a Jew on a rope? Stan: Alright Cartman, stop ripping on other people to make yourself less embarrassed about the fact that we're all here because of you! Cartman: Hey whoa, we are here because the average score was low. That's about all of us. Stan: Because of you! It's your fault that we have to do this! We have to do this because you're unhealthy! Craig: Yeah. We're paying for your being fat. Cartman: Wow, Craig. I can't believe you just went there. Here we were having a perfectly nice conversation about Kenny being poor and Kyle being a Jew, and you just decided to go 9/11 and bust out the fat quip. Wendy: We ARE here because of you, Eric, so just keep your mouth shut! Cartman: Oh my God! Why doesn't everyone just back off?! I know how this works: You're the 99% ganging up on the 1%! Clyde: Oh grow up. Cartman: Jesus Christ!! The 99% is totally ganging up on me! Stan: That's what we mean by "grow up" dude! Stop being a baby! Craig: Yeah, why don't you go home and cry to your stuffed animals again?! [Cartman gasps] Scene Description: Cartman's room, afternoon. Cartman is crying to his stuffed animals again. Or at least to his plushies Cartman: Ngh, and then, and then Wendy said that they were the 99% and I was the 1% and that made me not keeeewl. Clyde Frog: But Eric, you are cool. Cartman: I know, Clyde Frog, but now the 99% is saying everything is my faaault. Peter Panda: It's not your fault, Eric. How can they blame you for what is clearly President Obama's fault? Cartman: What do you mean, Peter Panda? Peter Panda: You didn't make that stupid Presidential Fitness Test. Obama did. Polly Prissypants: Yeah, that's right Eric. You don't need to grow up. You are awesome and keeewl. Cartman: Thanks Polly Prissypants. I'm just so scared that all the kids at school are gonna be talkin' about me behind my back. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Lunchtime has arrived and all the kids are in the cafeteria. Butters: Ehe, and so then, Skeletor told Terminator he wanted a divorce, and apparently it's all gonna be finalized soon. Stan: Dude, Butters, how many times do we have to go over this? That's not Skeletor, that's a woman named Maria Shriver. Butters: Uh but, then, why does his face look like that? [the doors burst open and Cartman steps in and looks around. No one says a word] Cartman: What? What?! WHAT?! What are you guys talking about? What are you guys doin'-What are you talking about? I knew it! You guys are having a big 99% rally, aren't you?! Occupying the cafeteria?! You wanna know why you guys are all here protesting?! Because you're pissed off, but you actually think it's wrong to be pissed off at a black president, so you're all just pissed off at ME! Well go ahead! Have your little rally to figure out how to stick it to the 1%! See what it gets you! [slams a door, but it doesn't close. Cartman walks out] Butters: Hey, you know? Eric is right. Maybe we should form a 99% club. Jimmy: Yeah. It's not a bad idea. If all the students unite, we can work together to fight the f-f-fit. Fifth Grader: Yeah. The fifth graders agree. We're all being punished for one lazy bitch. Let's make him suffer. Jimmy: All we need is some good old-fashioned di... di... di... diplomacy. Scene Description: President's Council on Fitness, Sports & Nutrition, Colorado Division Reigional Office, day. Jimmy and Butters are seated at a desk facing the Board rep, who's also seated Jimmy: Hello sir, we are here on behalf of all fourth graders at South Park Elementary. Board rep: Aahh yes, the Fatty Boombalatty class. How's the extra PE treating you? Butters: Sir, we believe your fitness system is flawed, and that for 99% of us, it is unfair. Board rep: What do you want me to do about it? Jimmy: Well, sir, we believe that the 1% should be dropped from the fitness results, so that our scores can be more accurate. Board rep: [rises from his chair and approaches a chart] 'Fraid that's impossible. The National Fitness Test has very specific standards. No one child can ever be made to feel singled out. We don't even like to use the term "physically fit" anymore because it can make a student feel unphysically fit, and then that student might end up feeling like a total retard. Jimmy: ...Excuse me, can you use a different terminology please? Board rep: A-and then that fourth grader might end up feeling like a total retard. Butters: Sir, all of the students already know who the 1% is. Jimmy: All you're doing is making the other 99% more angry. I warn you: this could turn very ugly. Scene Description: Cartman's bedroom, day. He walks into his room, which is quite trashed. He looks around in horror, then goes back downstairs, where he spots his mom paying some bills at the table Cartman: Mom, have you been here all day?! Liane: No, sweetie, I've been at the hair salon. Why? Cartman: Somebody's been in my room! [she looks up at him as he goes back to his room. He looks under his things to see if anything is missing. His mom appears at the door] Fucking 99%ers! What did they take?! Liane: Are you sure, sweetie? Cartman: Am I sure?? Look at this place! Liane: But who would want to s- Cartman: [turns around and glares at her] Don't you get it Mom?! People voted for Obama, so now that everything sucks they have to blame me! [goes back to searching his stuff and finds a watch] They didn't take my Stormtrooper watch... [finds a video game] My Arkham City game is still here... what else could they have- [looks at a corner of his room. A chair set apart for Clyde Frog is empty, but his other four dolls are arranged and seated in from of it.] Oh my God. [panicking] Clyde Frog! Liane: What? Cartman: No. [goes to the corner and tosses his dolls aside, then looks up in despair] NOOO! [runs to his closet and looks in there. He doesn't find Clyde Frog in there] CLYDE FROG!! [stops to tell him mom] They took Clyde Frog! [runs out of his room. Liane is confused] Scene Description: Cartman's house, outside in the back yard. Cartman runs out and looks around Cartman: [calling out and walking around] Clyde Frog! Clyde!? Clyde Frog?! [stops and notices something on a tree. It is Clyde Frog, nailed to a tree through his front paws and forehead. It's ripped all over and cotton pops out of the rips. Under the frog is the word "VENGEANCE" scratched onto the tree bark in red spray paint] Clyde. CLYDE FROG! [throws up] Scene Description: Cartman's house, outside in the back yard. Cartman is holding a lavish funeral for Clyde Frog Cartman: I've known Clyde Frog since I was two years old. He was a fighter, a visionary. But most of all, Clyde Frog was the perfect friend. He never said anything. He never had his own ideas about what he wanted to do. He just sat there goin' along with whatever I wanted. A noble trait that seems lost on you 99%ers. [Stan and Kyle are falling asleep. Kyle rests his head on his left hand] And now we live in a world where one of you has decided to become a murderer. Well whoever you are, I'm sure you're sitting there right now, in your little green hat, with your left cheek resting against your hand thinking, "I'm not getting away with this, am I?" Because whoever you are, maybe you still have one little piece of humanity left, covered up and tainted black by years of Jewish propaganda and left-wing lies. Maybe you should just- Kyle: Shut the hell up, Cartman! Cartman: Got something to say Kyle?! [grips the sides of the podium] Kyle: How do you murder a stuffed animal?! Cartman: How do you murder a stuffed animal?! You tell us, Kyle! [stops himself] Butbut but but, but uh but let's not get ahead of ourselves. There's still a biiig investigation to come. And until we prove beyond a reasonable doubt who the killer was, you are all just as guilty as Kyle. Thank you so much. Bagpipes please. [a bagpipe player begins a tune. Two men lower the casket into the ground] Cartman: Fly, fly little dove, to the welcome arms of Christ above. Your tears are finally gone to- Craig: Where's our five dollars? Cartman: Fly bu-what? Craig: It said in the e-mail if we came we each got five dollars. Stan: Yeah. Cartman: [thinks a moment] Five dollars has been donated in each of your names to the Clyde Frog Foundation. Fly fly fly... Class: AWWW! [all the kids get up and leave] Kid 1: Come on! Kid 2: Screw this. Kid 4: Hurry up, screw this. Cartman: Oh fine, go on and leave! I'm gonna find out who did this to Clyde, and I'm gonna have your fuckin' balls! Fly to Christ. Scene Description: President's Council on Fitness, Sports & Nutrition, Colorado Division Reigional Office, day. The Board rep looks over some reports while leaning against his desk. A receptionist walks up to him Receptionist: Sir? Sir, do you remember the kids from that South Park Elementary School? Board rep: Oh yes, the Boom Boom Chubby Choom Choom school. Receptionist: They're all protesting outside, saying our system isn't fair to the 99% of them. Board rep: [runs to the front door followed by the receptionist] Oh my Jesus! Oh, not a 99% rally. Scene Description: Outside, on a small strip of grass in a parking lot. Butters and Jimmy hold up some protest signs Butters: I sure hope this works. Field reporter 1: [out of nowhere] Tom, I'm reporting from the middle of a protest where two fourth grade students are fed up, and have decided to occupy Red Robin. Occupy Red Robin has been going on for several hours now, and boys, technically I am part of the 99% so, what do I have to say about all this? [no comment from either of the boys] Scene Description: Cartman's house, dining room. The lights are low. Cartman and his plushies are seated around the table, and Cartman serves himself some tea. Cartman: Thank you all so much for coming. I realize that Clyde Frog's death is as shocking to all of you as it is to me. Peter Panda: Why would somebody do such a terrible thing? Polly Prissypants: Why would somebody hurt Clyde Frog, Eric? Especially because you are so awesome and keewl. Cartman: I know that I'm awesome and keewl, Polly Prissypants, but it has little relevance at the moment to Clyde Frog's murder! Rumpertumskin: Let's stop the charades, Eric, and let's get down to business. Cartman: What do you mean, Rumpertumskin? Rumpertumskin: We all know who fuckin' killed Clyde Frog, and she's the same dirty slut who's been fucking with us our whole lives! Liane: Eric, sweetie, is everything okay? Polly Prissypants: Does everything look okay? Peter Panda: Sit down, you fucking bitch. Cartman: Yes, sit down, mother. We are all having a tea party. Liane: [takes a seat at the other end of the table] Uh sweetie, I see that you're a little... disturbed right now, but, maybe you can- Polly Prissypants: Shut your fat piehole, bitch! Rumpertumskin: Yeah! You know what you did, skank! You let Clyde Frog get murdered! Liane: No, Rumpertumskin, I didn't. I swear. Muscleman Marc: Then why did you write in your diary "It was probably time for Eric to grow out of his stuffed animals" anyway?! Cartman: That's an excellent point, Muscleman Marc. Please continue. Muscleman Marc: Well, all I'm saying, Eric, is that- Liane: Sweetie, you really can just talk to me if you- Muscleman Marc: ALL I'M SAYING, ERIC, is that you went through your mom's diary for a reason! Liane: Eric, I promise you, I didn't do anything to your favorite toy. Whoever did this to you, I hate them as much as you do, and I'd do anything to get to the bottom of it. Cartman: So then, we are all going to need some... more tea. Scene Description: Occupy Red Robin, day. Butters and Jimmy are now joined by a bongo drummer and a dancing man wearing a Guy Fawkes mask. They are surrounded by South Park's emergency services and the media, and one Java Jim's truck. Sgt. Yates: [on the phone calling for backup] You'd better give me every cop you've got on the South Side! I don't care where ABC parks their truck, as long as it doesn't block the fire trucks! [hangs up and walks to the command center nearby] Jesus, this protest is getting out of hand! Alright, what exactly are we dealing with? Officer 1: It's no good. The protest has quadrupled in size since this morning. As you can see from this aerial photograph, the protest covers almost two square miles. We have right officers here, here, and here. The media has been contained in this area. [next to Red Robin] Sgt. Yates: And where are the actual protesters? Officer 1: Oh, these two people right here. [circles the spot on which Butters and Jimmy stand] Sgt. Yates: How are we gonna contain this ting?! Officer 2: I'm afraid it's about to get worse. You see this area here? This is where we're setting up the stage for Bon Jovi. Sgt. Yates: Bon Jovi? Officer 2: These are good cops! We can't have them standing around for hours without some entertainment! The problem is, with this area blocked by napping tents, we have no place to serve the officers beer. Sgt. Yates: Damnit! Don't these protesters know what this is all heading towards? [steps forward] Full-on class warfare. Scene Description: Cartman's room, night. He's sound asleep, snoring even, when his room begins to glow. Flames appear. Cartman begins to wake up from the heat and sits up. He sees the flames Cartman: What the hell?! [the flames set his curtains on fire. He sees them next to his bed and stands up on the bed] Mom? Mom, my room is... [turns around and sees Peter Panda and his dresser on fire] AAAH!! PETER PANDA!! Scene Description: Cartman's house, after the fire. Police and fire have come to his rescue, and a fireman comes down the ladder with the charred remains of Peter Panda Fireman 1: The fire started with this. Definitely a case of arson. Somebody hates this kid. Cartman: [runs up] Don't you touch him! Leave him alone! [swats the doll out of the fireman's hands] Peter Panda! Peter Panda: Eh, Eric. Cartman: Don't try to talk, Peter Panda! You're gonna be okay! Peter Panda: Eric... Remember... [sobbing] Stay... keeewl. [Eric begins bawling. The fireman picks the doll back up] Fireman 2: Sorry kid, we need to take this as evidence. Cartman: [on all fours] Noohoho! Peter Panda nooo! Scene Description: Red Robin, inside. A female field reporter comments Female reporter: The 99%ers movement continues to grow as more and more Americans occupy Red Robin. I asked some of the people exactly what they hoped to accomplish. [earlier] And sir, what do you hope to accomplish by this movement? Patron: I like the uh, A1 Peppercorn Burger. And they got ummm, bo-bottomless fries. Female reporter: And as the protesters inside Red Robin unite together, word is that filmmaker Michael Moore has joined the protesters outside. Scene Description: Outside Michael Moore: [through his bull horn] I look at the faces of you protesters and I see the future of America! We are the 99%! YESSS!! Scene Description: A house in the neighborhood. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny approach the front door. Their bikes are scattered all over the lawn. Kyle knocks on the door and a fifth grader answers it Kyle: Hey dude, ah are you the guys messing with Cartman's stuffed animals? Fifth grader: Maybe we are and maybe we aren't. You got any proof? Stan: Well, just... you and your friends were the ones saying Cartman needs to suffer? Fifth grader: That doesn't prove anything. That fat little fuck is finally getting what's coming to him. Kyle: Yeah, but dude, he seriously could have died in that fire. Fifth grader: He's in your class but you don't deal with him! So we are gonna remedy the situation! We've got big plans! Just stay out of our way and let the men handle this! [closes the door. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny turn around to leave.] Scene Description: The Black residence, night. Liane and Cartman are staying there while their own house is repaired. Liane is at a table with Token's parents] drinking coffee Liane: Thank you so much for allowing Eric and I to stay here. Bob: Of course. You can't be staying in a home with that much fire damage. Linda: To be honest, we're just a little surprised your son begged you to stay with us. We never knew your son and our son were so close. Liane: I asked little Eric where he would feel safest, and he said with his friend Token. Scene Description: Token's room. Token has a sports-car bed. Cartman is being paranoid Cartman: This window locks from the inside, right? And this door has a lock on it too? Don't worry Polly Prissypants, you're gonna be safe here. In this day and age, black people are just impervious to being fucked with, so we will be alright. Token: Why are you involving me in this? Cartman: Token, please. You're the only person I can trust. Because in today's time, black people are somehow incapable of doing something wrong. Scene Description: Occupy Red Robin, next day. Butters is gone for the moment, so only Jimmy stands there with his protest sign. Everyone else is still where they were Field reporter 2: Breaking news from the Occupy Red Robin movement. The protesters have decreased in number from two to one, as one of the protesters has apparently splintered off from the group to start a new movement: Occupy the Restroom. Scene Description: The restroom area. The first reporter is close to the mens' room Field reporter 1: Tom, Occupy the Restroom has been going on for almost thirty minutes now. Certainly a sign that this country is more divided than ever. These 99%ers are fed up, [backs up to the restroom door] and as a result you can clearly see this restroom is "OCCUPIED." [points to a little window that now reads "OCCUPIED." A second later, a toilet is flushed inside. The door opens and Butters exits zipping his pants up.] Uh, Tom, it looks like the movement is finished, but from the time it took, it must have been a pretty decent-sized movement. Scene Description: Occupy Red Robin. Butters returns and takes up his sign Scene Description: The Black residence, night. Cartman has made himself at home in Token's room with his dolls, chips, and Token's remote control. Token is not pleased and has crossed his arms Token: [getting irritated] Will you stop changing channels and just pick something? Cartman: What do you wanna watch, Polly Prissypants? Token: This is my room! I'll take the remote from you! Cartman: Muh uh, 'cause I'll tell my mom on you when our parents get home. Token: You're a guest here! Your mom isn't in charge! Cartman: Naw uh, 'cause my house got burned down, so everyone has to feel bad for me. [the alarm sounds. Cartman puts his chips aside and gathers his toys close] What is that? WHAT IS THAT?! Token: That's the alarm; someone's in the backyard. Cartman: What?! Who?! Token: I don't know. Cartman: I thought I was safe here! Stay there guys, I'll be right back! [Token looks out his window, Cartman leaves the bedroom] Scene Description: The Black residence, back yard, night. Cartman runs outside with the bat Cartman: Who's there?! [notices Token coming out behind him] Lock that door behind you, Token. [then shouts at whomever might be there] Black people live here! [some flood lights come on] Token: A motion detector. [Kyle's shadow runs by and Cartman notices it. He gives chase and tackles Kyle] Cartman: Aha! I knew it was you, Kyle! Kyle: It's not me! I'm here to help you, fatass! Cartman: Oh sure! Stan: [walking out from behind a garage] Stop it, Cartman! It's true! We came to keep an eye out. Stephen Tamil said he had something big planned. Cartman: Stephen Tamill? The fifth grader? [looks around] Oh shit! [drops the bat and runs back inside] I told you to lock that door, Token! [runs up to Token's room and searches for his stuffed toys] No. [sees the other four boys come in] Nononono! [grabs Kenny by the throat and shakes him] Where are they Kenny??!! Kenny: [slaps Cartman's hand off] (I don't really know!) Cartman: HAAAAGH! [runs out and closes the door, then locks it and runs off] Stan: Hey! Cartman, what the hell are you doing?! Cartman: [returns] I don't trust any of you assholes! [to his dolls] Where are you sons of bitches?! [leaves] Scene Description: The fifth grader's house. Three fifth graders stand on the front lawn Stephen Tamill: Alright guys. You ready? Classmates: Ready! Stephen Tamill: Here we GO! [he and one of his friends raise their signs, and the three of them march forth] Scene Description: Occupy Red Robin, night. The fifth graders walk up to Butters and Jimmy and stand alongside them Butters: Hey, what are you fifth graders doing? Stephen Tamill: We are the 83%! We are tired of being punished for the fourth grade class! The fourth grade is stickin' it to the other 83% of the school! Jimmy: Now hold on a second, fellas. If you're the 83%, then our class is only 17%. Butters: Yeah, how can the 17% be sticking it to the 83%? Stephen Tamill: Because your class had Cartman in it, and he's the 1%! Jimmy: But if he's 1% of 17%, then he's .17%. Scene Description: Channel 8 News Field reporter 3: This is it. The inevitable has happened at Occupy Red Robin. It is full-on class warfare. Female reporter 2: And now class warfare is breaking out. Apparently it is the fourth grade class versus the fifth grade class. Scene Description: The command center nearby. Yates and the other men are roused by the commotion Sgt. Yates: It's here! The class warfare is finally here! Officer 2: Yeeah! Scene Description: The Black residence, night. Cartman walks into the darkened kitchen Cartman: Hello?? [lightning crackles outside and floods the kitchen in light for a moment] Whoever you are, just give them back! Haven't you done enough to me?! [sees a boiling crock pot, walks up to it and removes the lid. Inside he see the third...] Cartman: Muscleman Marc! AAAAAAAA!! AAAAAAAA!! [more lightning crackles as he runs out of the kitchen.] Scene Description: The Black living room. Cartman walks into it, still looking for the two remaining dolls Cartman: Polly Prissypants! Rumpertumskin! [walks towards the fireplace] Jesus Christ! [over the fireplace he sees Rumpertumskin drawn up by four chains and a bomb wrapped around his neck] Rumpertumskin: Eric! Don't come any closer! Cartman: Who did this to you?! Rumpertumskin: You said you wouldn't let anything happen to us. Cartman: Don't worry, I'll get you down! Rumpertumskin: No Eric, don't come any- [Cartman trips a wire that sets off the bomb, decapitating Rumpertumskin] Cartman: AAAAHAA! AAHAAAA! Rumpertumskin!! RUMPER [begins to cry] Rumpertumskin... WHY? Why did you do this?? Polly Prissypants: It's okay, Eric. It's over now. [you can see Cartman actually doing her voice. He expresses shock, then turns around. Polly Prissypants is seated on an armchair with a loaded gun resting against her] Cartman: Polly... Polly Prissypants... You did this? Polly Prissypants: Don't you see? The kids at school were right, Eric. It was time for us to grow up. Cartman: ...You got rid of Clyde Frog... You burned Peter Panda! [Token, Kyle, Stan, and Kenny look down from the second floor] Polly Prissypants: Yes, they're gone. And now we can grow up and be together. Cartman: They were your FRIENDS! Polly Prissypants: They were holding us back! All the kids making fun of you at school, saying you're not keewl! Your stuffed animals all have to be gotten rid of, don't you see?! Scene Description: At the front door. The Blacks and Liane have returned, but Mr. Black can't open the door Bob: Dead-bolted. Token! [knocks twice, then heads for the window] Token, you in there?! [the three adults look in] Scene Description: Back in the living room... Cartman: Polly Prissypants, when people find out we did all this, we're gonna get in total trouble! Polly Prissypants: No, I thought of everything! It all happened here so that everyone would think Token did it. All the blame will be on him. And we can live happily ever after. Cartman: There's one problem. [walks up to the doll, takes the gun and walks back to where he was] You say I have to grow up, to get rid of all my dolls. You forget one crucial thing, Polly Prissypants. That nobody would possibly blame Token for all this because in today's day and age you can't blame a black person for anything. Polly Prissypants: Oh no! You're totally right! But I thought my plan was perfect! I failed! I failed you! You have to kill me Eric! So that you don't get blamed! Cartman: Noho! I've lost every stuffed animal; I won't lose you too! Polly Prissypants: It's the only way Eric. You have to do it. Please! I can't live with myself after what I've done. Please, you have to do it Eric. Cartman: [sobs for almost a minute, then aims the gun] Goodbye, Polly Prissypants. I love you. Polly Prissypants: Say "hello" to the sunrise for me. [Cartman cries and looks away as he starts firing at her. First shot is straight through the forehead. He fires twice more as the four boys watch from the second floor, and three more as the Blacks and Ms. Cartman watch from outside. Polly Prissypants has four shots through the head and two more that took out chunks of her cheeks. Cartman cries, having lost the last of his stuffed dolls] Stan: Dude, what the hell? Kyle: We told him to grow up. So he got rid of his stuffed animals. Scene Description: Outside... Liane: [apologetic] My little Eric can sometimes be a bit... dramatic. [laughs weakly] Scene Description: The Red Robin parking lot, day. A worker sweeps up all the debris from the Occupy Red Robin movement Field reporter 3: Occupy Red Robin is over. Class warfare has torn apart the 99% and replaced it with the 30%, the 26%, and even little brackets of 5%s here and there. What does this mean for our country? What does this mean... for me? Officer 2: Hey! Get down to State Street! They're occupying Macaroni Grill! Field reporter 3: Oh hell yeah! I'll occupy me some goat-cheese peppadew peppers! [runs off]

Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, Mr. Garrison's class. The bell rings. Mr. Garrison goes to the front of the class. On the chalkboard is written "Thanksgiving" Mr. Garrison: Okay children, let's all take our seats. [most of them are seated; Kyle, Token, Bebe and Stan are the last four to get seated] As you all know, Thanksgiving is only two weeks away. And so the school has arranged for a lecture from a real live Native American. Butters: Oh neato, huh fellas? Guest: [a stout "Native American"] Hello boys and girls. My name is David Running Horse... Sawitsky, and I am one sixteenth Cherokee Indian. Cartman: Does that mean we only have to pay one sixteenth attention to you? [Sawitsky crosses his arms and is not all all pleased] Sawitsky: There've been a lot of "stories" about the first Thanksgiving, and unfortunately they are mostly geared towards making the Pilgrims look good, and my people being degraded as usual. Was Thanksgiving about turkey and peace? Or was it the beginning of the genocide of an entire race? Butters: [innocently] Thanksgiving is about murder? Scene Description: Kyle's room, afternoon. The four boys are there. Stan and Kyle are reading books at Kyle's desk, Kenny is reading a couple of books on the floor, and Cartman is... on his back on Kyle's bed eating Cheesy Poofs Cartman: This is bullcrap! A guest speaker comes to our class and assigns us a report on Thanksgiving? Kyle: Well, it is kinda true, you know? Thanksgiving is fun and all, but the Native Americans got pretty screwed over. Cartman: Yeah, and now my video game time is getting screwed over by them. Kyle: [looks over his shoulder angrily] Hey, fatass! Instead of laying in bed eating, why don't you come and help?! Cartman: Jesus Kyle, you are really being crampy today. Stan: We all have to do this report together, dude. Cartman: You guys, we are wasting time. If we have to write a report on Thanksgiving let's just go downstairs and watch TV. Kyle: How is that gonna help?! Cartman: [like a doorbell] Dumbass, it's November. [normally] The History Channel is probably playing Thanksgiving specials back to back. We can learn everything we need. Scene Description: A TV. The History Channel logo comes up. Announcer: You're watching The History Channel, where the truth is history. Narrator: [as re-enactments play in color and in black and white] A lot has been written about the first Thanksgiving between Pilgrims and Native Americans. but what really happened at that first historic dinner? Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. The boys are on Cartman's couch watching TV Cartman: Dude, see? I told you. Who needs to read a bunch of stupid books when we've got History Channel? Narrator: [more re-enactments] We know the first Thanksgiving was in the fall of 1621, but new evidence suggests that the first exchanging of food between the Pilgrims and Native Americans may have been visited by aliens! [dramatic flashes of darkness as the alien is shown up close, then a picture of a fetus, and then...] Duncan Everton: [Professor of History, Oakmont H.S.] In every journal entry we researched from those early Pilgrims, not one entry mentioned anything about aliens not being there. Narrator: And what about the food? [a juicy baked turkey is shown, then the previous image is shown without the alien] Does the appearance of stuffing at the first Thanksgiving suggest a kind of alien technology? [the alien reappears in the scene, but with two other aliens] Cartman: Uh-huh?? Kyle: What? This isn't history. Stan: Dude, it is called History Channel. Kenny: (Yeah.) Charles Biggens: [Culinary Associates of America] And if we look in all the journals and aall the history books, there is no reference to stuffing before 1621. So where did it come from? Did it come from space? We just don't know. Narrator: Did ancient aliens shape the first Thanksgiving? Is it mere coincidence that Cape Cod, when viewed from space, looks like an alien life form? [an alien with an erect penis is drawn over the aerial image] What exactly did the Pilgrims experience? [colored lights move around over the ocean's horizon as Pilgrims gather by the beach] How exactly did those beings from another world shape the dinner we celebrate every November? [a tiny UFO hovers near a turkey] Kyle: What?? Cartman: Kyle, why are you being so grumpy? Are you on your period again? Kyle: We're not basing research for our report on this crap! Cartman: Okay, let's take a vote: Who thinks the possibility of ancient aliens at Thanksgiving makes for an interesting history report? [he and Kenny raise their hands, then Stan raises his] Kyle: [at Stan] Dude! Cartman: Okay, and who wants to take a little Pamprin so their menstrual cramps stop bringing everyone down? Kyle? [raises Kyle's hand] Kyle: [sighs] Alright, fine! Let's just get this stupid report over with! Scene Description: A mansion, night. A phone rings. The time on the alarm click is 2:14 a.m., and the couple in bed wake up. The man takes the phone THC President: [sits up in bed] Yes? A report from where? [sits up on the side of the bed] Does Congress know about this yet? Try to keep it contained and get the helicopters ready. I'll be there as soon as I can. [hangs up and sits back down] Wife: Darling? THC President: They found something. This could be it. [makes a fist] Scene Description: The bus stop, day. The school bus stops and the boys get off Cartman: Did you guys know that when you stop menstruating it's called menopause? Stan: ...What? Cartman: Yeah, God takes your period away, and apparently it makes you really irritable? I was thinking maybe that's why Kyle's been so grouchy lately, 'cause he's goin' through menopause. Kyle: Dude, shut your fuckin' mouth! Cartman: See what I mean, you guys? [a black car with tinted windows pulls up at a corner within sight of the boys and the passenger window comes down and the agents inside look at the boys] Agent 1: [brunet] Is that them? Agent 2: [blond] That's them. Scene Description: An interrogation room, somewhere. The boys are seated and waiting for someone. Three men walk in - the two agents and the man from the mansion. The agents close the door and the man from the mansion goes to the table and takes his seat opposite the boys. He leafs through the boys' report, and the boys look at each other THC President: You boys have been very busy... [he closes the report] We need to know everything that you know. Stan: 'bout what? THC President: Have you been contacted by alien life forms? Agent 1: Did you come across some kind of ship or something? Kyle: Dude, look, we, we just saw all this stuff on History Channel. THC President: [silence for a few seconds, then] We are The History Channel. [rises from his chair] For years we've been collecting information on Thanksgiving. We're getting close to the truth. And now you boys have exactly the same information. It can't be coincidence. Kyle: We saw it on your channel. THC President: What exactly did you seez?! Stan: That... stuffing was never heard of before 1621, so it might be alien technology? THC President: My God. Would you be willing to say that on camera for an interview? Scene Description: Butters' house, living room. He's watching a Jonas Brothers video Steven: Alright, Butters, that's enough MTV for one day. You need to watch something that stimulates your brain. I'm putting on History Channel. Butters: Okay Dad. Announcer: You're watching the History Channel, the only network dedicated to history. Coming up next, it's Monster Quest! Larrh! Followed by Hairy Bikers. Errh! But now, back to Part 3 of Ancient Aliens at Thanksgiving. Narrator: It has become a widely accepted fact that Thanksgiving was a meal attended by Pilgrims, Native Americans, and alien beings. Stan Marsh: [history expert] Stuffing wasn't mentioned anywhere until 1621? And it might have been... alien technology? Narrator: And while the number of people who accept the alien theory continues to grow, some experts have stepped forward with a wildly different view altogether. Could it be that Pilgrims were actually aliens themselves? Kyle Broflovski: [Ph. D., Professor of Thanksgiving - DeVry Institute] Of course you can't prove there were no aliens at the first Thanksgiving! Just like you can't "prove" that... the Pilgrims themselves weren't alien! Can you prove that?! Here: draw that Thanksgiving turkey symbol with your hand! Maybe that symbol matches... galaxies in space or something! OooOoOoOooOOO! [moves his hands around] Narrator: [a scene of alien families sharing Thanksgiving on Earth] Could it be that the Pilgrims we've read about all these years actually came from another planet? History experts like Kyle Broflovski say "yes." Kyle: You might as well just say Pilgrims and Indians were all aliens who came here and made some kind of intergalactic treaty! Scene Description: Kyle's house, living room. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are on the sofa watching the same special Butters is Stan: Wow, check it out dude, we're on TV. [smiles] Kyle: How can they make a show out of this? I wasn't even agreeing with them. [a knock is heard at the front door and Kyle goes to answer it] Sawitsky: What are you doing?! Kyle: ...Uh oh. Sawitsky: The first Thanksgiving was a space treaty?! Native Americans are aliens?! Kyle: I was just explaining how a negative argument doesn't make a po- Sawitsky: Haven't my people been through enough?! [whips out a gun with his left hand and quickly aims at at Kyle] Goddamn you! Kyle: Ack dude! [backs up as Sawitzky walks towards him] Sawitsky: The white man is gonna PAY for his lies! [stops in front of Stan and Kenny, keeping his gun aimed at Kyle] Scene Description: In the sky, black Army helicopters approach. In one of them, the History Channel and two agents sit Agent 2: Look at this, sir! [hands him a picture] An aerial photograph of Cape Cod where the Pilgrims landed in 1620. [puts his right hand on it and traces a turkey on the photo with it] Five Pilgrim settlements, with Plymouth Rock here. [puts a dot on the location] The same symbols appear everywhere in history. [on a baked turkey, in the night sky...] Agent 1: The symbology lines up to mirrored points in space. If Kyle Broflovski is right, then Plymouth Rock is some kind of wormhole. THC President: Pilgrims and Indians were the aliens! How did we not think of it?! Agent 3: Sometimes it takes the innocence of a child to make us see the most simple things. Agent 2: True dat. THC President: True dat. Scene Description: Plymouth, Massachusetts. day. The monument to Plymouth Rock is shown. The helicopters show up and descend onto the park near the monument. Plymouth Rock itself is shown in the water, unprotected. THC President: Get all those tourists out of here! We need this place secured! Agent 4: [through his bullhorn] Alight people, let's clear out! We need you ALL to disperse! [a woman and her daughter stop to listen] This area is under quarantine. [the woman and daughter leave] THC President: Give me a piece of chalk. [agent 1 hands it to him. The president quickly traces a turkey on the rock, then backs up.] Huh... Nothing. Agent 5: Guess Kyle Broflovski was wrong. THC President: Well, at least we weren't outsmarted by a nine-year-old kid. [they all turn and walk out of the water] We should've known. Pilgrims couldn't be from space. Scene Description: Space, the final frontier. A Pilgrim shoots through space in a wormhole and hits the planet hard. Electricity crackles through some power lines. A shadow climbs out of the impact crater. It's... a Pilgrim. Nearby, a truck rolls by, driven by Natalie Portman. The Pilgrim runs from the crater and into Portman's path; she rolls over him, then stops. Scene Description: The History Channel learns of this and sends its top men out to investigate. Several tents go up at the crash site Agent 6: Here. You can see it right there. An object clearly fell from the sky and struck the Earth. THC President: What is it? Agent 6: It's a Pilgrim, sir. [the president is stunned, looks outside, then walks outside with five other men] THC President: So then, Professor Broflovski was right after all. [the camera pans up into the sky. Another camera travels through space] Narrator: Not long ago, it was an accepted fact that civilizations on Earth shared the universe with beings from other planets. [the camera approaches a rock formation that has golden (literally) ears of corn sticking out of it. The camera then goes around the formation and through a thick cloud layer] These alien beings visited our world, and once, even settled it, from deep within the galaxy Canis Major, and a distant planet called... Plymouth. [the camera pops up and sees a magnificent building from which rise four massive golden ears of corn. An entrance with 14 colossal Pilgrim statues is shown. Inside the cathedral-like building a Pilgrim king, seated on a throne flanked by two huge golden cornucopias overflowing with gold and jewels, speaks to a huge crowd] Pilgrim King: Fellow Pilgrims! The great Captain hath gone missing and thine enemies have attacked our stuffing mines! We must prepare for war with the Indians! Scene Description: Another planet, named Indi. The Indian chief there speaks to his people Indian Chief: Now it is OUR time! We shall attack Plymouth, and we will take... ALL THEIR STUFFING! [the Indians cheer] Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. Liane is at the kitchen cutting up construction paper. Cartman runs through the dining room, then returns and enters the kitchen Cartman: Non! Mom, did you already get stuffing for Thanksgiving dinner? Liane: What hon? Cartman: Tell me you've already got everything we need for Thanksgiving! Liane: Uhoh, Thanksgiving's still a couple of weeks away, sweetie. I haven't gone shoppies yet. Cartman: Oh no. Oh NO! Liane: What is it, hon? Cartman: Clyde Donovan said that he saw on the news there's gonna be a massive stuffing shortage! Get your coat on, Mom! We've gotta go to the store! [turns around and leaves the kitchen] Scene Description: The supermarket, day. A woman is taking her groceries to her car. Cartman runs into the the chapping cart and knocks it over, spilling the woman's groceries. Cartman then turns and runs into the store. Liane folows him in. Cartman finds a worker Cartman: You guys have stuffing?! Attendant 1: Stuffing? Sure. Aisle 17. Cartman: Oh... We're not too late. Mother, come! [Liane takes a shopping cart and follows Cartman to the right aisle. Cartman looks for the stuffing, but doesn't fine any. The attendant walks by] Hey! Where is it! Attendant 1: It's right there, right on the uh... [sees that the stuffing shelf is empty] wait, that can't be right. Hey, hey Chet. What happened to all the stuffing? Chet: [walks up] What are you talking about? [sees that there is no stuffing, and his jaw drops a bit] Attendant 1: We got more in the back, right? Chet: I just did inventory in the back, it... it was all put out here! Attendant 1: You mean it's two weeks until Thanksgiving and we're completely out of stuffing?! Chet: Oh no! Cartman: No! Chet: No! Cartman: NOOOO! Scene Description: Planet Plymouth, day. An Indian delegation and a Pilgrim delegation meet up Pilgrim King: You dare come to Plymouth, ambassador?! After attacking our stuffing mines?! Indian Chief: The stuffing mines were never yours! Pilgrim King: Wihtout control of the mines we cannot supply stuffing to the mortals, ambassador! This will be war! Indian Chief: You are in no position to declare war! Your lead commander is nowhere to be found! Pilgrim King: And how knoweth you that?! Indian Chief: Word travels fast in our sector. Pilgrim King: I do not give free bowls of stuffing, what sayest you?! We will take back control of the stuffing mines! [turns and leaves with his men] Indian Chief: Then the Thanksgiving treaty will be off! [turns and leaves with his men] Pilgrim King: And I pray to stuffing that you are wrong. [looks up to the sky as his men move on without him] Where are you, Miles Standish? Scene Description: Kyle's living room, later. Sawitzky is still lecturing the boys on Native American history Sawitzky: And furthermore, everything Kyle Broflovski said about Native Americans being from outer space was untrue! Native Americans were brutalized, and David Sawitzky's ancestors deserve an apology! It was wrong to mix aliens and real history! Stan: I don't know, dude. Have you seen that stuff about the pyramids and the link to Mars? Kyle: [through gritted teeth] Dude, there's a guy with a gun here! Stan: I'm just saying there's lots of symbols and signs out there that show aliens and history are pretty linked. Kenny: (Yeah, that's true.) Kyle: Would you guys stop?! Sawitsky: Just keep writing your apology! [paces. The front door opens and Miles Standish jumps in dramatically] Miles: How now, Indian?! Why hast thy race sent me here to Earth?! Sawitsky: [surprised] Huh? [Miles runs at him and throws him up against a wall] Ack. Stan: Dude! Miles: You Indians took me to thy planet, and then cast me here! Why?! [punches Sawitzky twice. Sawitzky falls to the floor and Miles begins kicking him in the balls] Kenny: (Go, dude!) Stan: Yeah, go on dude! Kenny: (Woohoo!) Miles: [turns Sawitzky over and picks him up] Hast thy race attacked our stuffing mines and sent me here to die?! Tell me, Indian! Sawitzky: I I uh I'm only one sixteenth. Miles: Hold your lying tongue! [puts a glowing ball into Sawitzky's mouth] This shall prove if thou art Indian or not! [Sawitzky begins to tremble and moan, then he's surrounded by a purple light and consumed] Ah, he was not. Stan: I didn't think so. Miles: [walks up to Kyle and genuflects] I have been told of your expertise, Kyle of DeVry Institute. I need your wisdom to get back to my planet. Scene Description: Kyle's house, outside. Miles, Kyle, Stan, and Kenny go to a waiting truck Miles: Into the wheeled chariot that strucketh me! [the boys get in] We must make haste to Cape Cod! [then he does] Stan: [looking at the driver] Who's this? Miles: This is Natalie. Natalie: Hi guys. Scene Description: Cape Cod, night. THC continues camping out there. Agent 7: Alright, sir. We got some more information on the Pilgrim who crashed to Earth. Thirty seconds after impact the Pilgrim was hit by a truck and then put into the back seat. THC President: Who did the truck belong to? Agent 6: We believe it belonged to Natalie Portman, sir. THC President: The actress? That doesn't make sense. Agent 8: It gets worse. All over the country people are reporting a shortage of stuffing. We don't think it's coincidence. THC President: You're telling me that somehow during a stuffing shortage, this "Pilgrim" dropped down from space and got into a truck driven by Natalie Portman?! Agent 9: Look, if anyone knows about stuffing, it's Natalie Portman! THC President: [walking forward, filling the screen] We have to find Professor Broflovski. He was right about all of this. He'll know what to do. Scene Description: A campsite for the night. Kyle sits alone by the campfire, and the trailer-truck is behind him. Inside the trailer, Miles talks to the others Miles: We shall make camp here for the night. On the morrow perhaps we can reach Cape Cod. And Thanksgiving may yet be saved. [looks outside and sees Kyle] What is wrong with Kyle of DeVry Institute? Stan: Aw, I think he's just kind of pissed off he was wrong about the whole ancient alien thing. Miles: [studying Kyle some more] He seems almost like a Puritan lady whose period hath stopped. [moments later, he goes outside to talk to Kyle] I fear, Kyle, that you still do not know whose side to be on. Kyle: No, ah I don't. Miles: It must have been very difficult for you, being the one on your planet with his wild theories that Pilgrims and Indians were not of this world. Kyle: I actually only just said that sarcastically. Miles: HA! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! [pats him on the left shoulder a few times] Then you are only just a remarkably gifted child! [puts his right hand over Kyle's left hand, then withdraws it to pull out a map] Here, let me show you. Your planet is one of the five. [points to the others] Plymouth, Indi, Colthenheim, and this planet over here nobody really cares about. [spreads his right hand over the map so each fingertip touches a planet, then traces the hand with a pencil] The five are connected by a series of wormholes. [the trace is finished] My people came to your world, and so did our enemies. But we made a treaty, and for 300 years our people have not fought. But now, the treaty is over. Kyle: But I always read that Native Americans were here, and that Pilgrims and other settlers kind of took their lands from them. Miles: You can't believe what everyone tells you, Kyle. You have to open your eyes. [stands up and puts down his map on his seat. Natalie, Stan, and Kenny look on from the trailer] Soon your wisdom will open the wormhole back to Plymouth, and the stuffing mines can again be ours, for he who controls the stuffing, controls the universe. [all of a sudden, a night sun focuses on him and a helicopter is heard] A pilot: Hold it right there! [five black cars pull up quickly and surround Miles and Kyle. Natalie, Stan and Kyle leave the trailer] Agent 10: We found Professor Broflovski! He is with the Pilgrim! [the agents close in on Miles and he unsheathes his sword] Miles: Stay back, all of you! For I will get to Cape Cod and cannot be stopped! Come boys! Let us fight to the death! THC President: [rushes into the middle] Wait! Stop, stop! Please, Mr. Standish, we are all on the same side here. We know why there's a stuffing shortage. We've been trying to get the wormhole open. Miles: I trust none but them! [points to the party he came with - Natalie, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny] Indians hath betrayed us! I must return to Plymouth so my king can know the truth! [hurries away] THC President: PLEASE! [stops him] We're the History Channel. We care as much about the truth as you do. Miles: Then get us to Cape Cod as soon as possible! Scene Description: Planet Plymouth. The king of Plymouth sits on his throne looking board Pilgrim: [shot through with several arrows] My Lord! My Lord, the battle is lost! We have tried to stop the Indians on their home planet, but yea they are too strong! Pilgrim King: Then our last chance for survival is gone? Pilgrim: I'm sorry my Lord. All Pilgrim forces sent to the Indians' planet have been wiped out. Pilgrim King: And so soon the Indians will be here. Sound the corn horn! We must abandon Plymouth! Scene Description: The Indians and Pilgrims do battle on Indi Indian Chief: The stuffing mines are ours! [some Indians celebrate at the mines] Scene Description: Cape Cod, day. A wooden pathway has been built to Plymouth Rock and surrounds it. Miles uses a blown up version of his map to show the History Channel what's going on. Miles: Earth is connected to Plymouth by this wormhole here. Once I get back I will assemble my people to attack Indi, and gain control of the stuffing mines. If all goes as planned, you will all have stuffing in time for Thanksgiving. THC President: But Mr. Standish, I'm afraid it's not that simple. We... tried to get the wormhole open with this symbol and it didn't work. Miles: Ah ha ha ha! Of course not! You have the correct symbol, but you are missing the keeper of the portal. Agent 11: The keeper of the... of course! Natalie Portman! THC President: We were wondering what she had to do with all this! Natalie Portman controls the wormhole! Agent 12: Our window of opportunity is closing, sir! The wormhole has to be opened now! THC President: Alright Ms. Portman, we need you to open your wormhole. Natalie: [rolls her eyes and moves her torso to the left, then to the right, then to the left] Mmmmmmmmmm. No. THC President: Please, Ms. Portman, you've got to open your wormhole right now! Natalie: [rolls her eyes and moves her torso to the right, then to the left] Mmmmmmm. [then to the right] Uh uh. THC President: Curses and cranberries! I must get to Plymouth now! Do as they say! Natalie: [rolls her eyes and moves her torso to the left, then to the right, then to the left] Mmmmmmmmmm. No. THC President: There has to be a way to get the portal open! Where's our expert?! [everyone moves aside to reveal Kyle] What do we do, Professor Broflovski? Kyle: I'm not a professor. THC President: The History Channel said you were! Kyle: You are the fucking History Channel! Miles: [walks up to Kyle and genuflects] Please, Kyle of DeVry Institute. There is no more time for squabbles. The universe is at stake! THC President: [walks up to Kyle and genuflects] You knew everything else. You somehow knew about all of this. You knew it... here. [points to Kyle's heart.] You must know... how to get Natalie Portman to open her wormhole. Scene Description: A local restaurant nearby. Nice, upscale, with a string trio playing during dinner. Kyle is in his suit, Natalie is in a different dress Kyle: So, do you uh, do you have any brothers or sisters, Natalie? Natalie: I had a lot of really close friends growing up, but not any brothers and sisters; I was an only child. Kyle: [having trouble with small talk] Wow, awesome. Um... Natalie: I have dual citizenship in the United States and Israel. [a waiter with a bottle of wine walks by and Kyle snaps his fingers twice, then indicates to the waiter that Natalie should get some more wine. The waiter serves it] Oh thanks. Kyle: Um... so... [behind him, everyone involved in the portal matter is watching them] So dual citizenship, wow, uh... You know that I, I never knew anyone that had that. Natalie: Well, I went to Harvard while I was acting. I got a BA. But I did classes at the University of Jerusalem too. Kyle: Cool. Cool... You wanna order some dessert? Scene Description: Cape Cod, night. Kyle and Natalie walk down to Plymouth Rock Natalie: Thanks, that was a lot of fun. Kyle: Yeah, it was cool, thanks. [looks over his shoulder. Miles motions at him to continue] Um, so... Is there any way you'd Natalie: What? Kyle: You know, could youuu... Natalie: What? Kyle: Would you please just open your wormhole?! Natalie: [rolls her eyes and moves her torso to the right, then to the left] Oh. [moves her torso to the right, then to the left] Mmmm... [moves her torso to the right] no. Kyle: [sighs in exasperation] Errh! Natalie: [rolls her eyes and moves her torso to the left, then to the right, then to the left] Mmmmmmmmmm. Okay. Miles: Yes! THC President: Alright, let's go, folks! [he and several other men go towards Plymouth Rock] Natalie: Just for a sec though. [turns around and joins them] Miles: Thank you, Kyle of DeVry Institute. Now the Indians can be stopped and Thanksgiving will be saved! Kyle: Yeeah, you're welcome. I'm sorry I doubted you. And guys, I'm I'm sorry I acted like a know-it-all. [behind the rock, Natalie's legs go up in the air] Stan: It's cool dude, we understand. Kyle: I guess we should all realize... [the portal is activated] that history and alien technology really do go hand in hand. [the portal shoots out into space towards planet Plymouth] Miles: [rises with his sword unsheathed] Now make way, children! For I have a war to fight! [runs towards the rock, jumps on it, and into the portal stream] For stuffing!! [goes towards planet Plymouth] Scene Description: The stuffing mines. The battle continues Indian Chief: Take ALL their stuffing! Pilgrim: The treaty ends now! [the Indians retreat as flying galleons sweep over the stuffing mines with powerful rays, destroying any Indians along the way] Narrator: With the wormhole once again open, Miles Standish was finally able to command a Pilgrim army. Miles: Now attack their left flank! Good! They're retreating! Hit them with the anti-Indian device! [A destroyer walks in and obliterates all the Indians with its powerful beams] Narrator: The Pilgrims fought off the Indians, making stuffing once again available on all our Thanksgiving tables. Scene Description: Cartman's living room. The four boys are watching The History Channel once again, Stan and Kenny are watching the TV, Cartman is eating Cheesy Poofs, and Kyle looks on in annoyance. Random Voices: Yea. Stuffing mines. Yea. Narrator: And now you know the true story behind Thanksgiving. Stan: Wow, there's a lot about Thanksgiving I never knew before. Cartman: Yeah, History Channel rules. Narrator: But was the first Thanksgiving really just about Pilgrims and Indians from space? Or was there something more? Shocking new evidence suggests that the first Thanksgiving might also have been... [an image of a woman appears against a wall] haunted! Donald T. Brown: [Ph. D., University of Phoenix] There is certainly no evidence that the first Thanksgiving dinner was not haunted. Narrator: The Pilgrims welcomed the Indians, but did they also unknowingly welcome spirits from beyond the grave? [ghostly figures appear here and there.] Cartman: [curious] Ohhh?? Kyle: [throws up his arms in exasperation] Oh, come on!!

Scene Description: The McCormick house, living room. Stuart and Kevin are fighting as Carol tries to stop them while holding Karen on one arm. Kenny's on the sofa watching TV, ignoring all the drama around him. Stuart: You think you're man enough to fight me, you little shit?! Kevin: Yes, 'cause you're a drunk piece of shit, Dad! Carol: You're both drunk pieces of shit! Both of you sit the fuck down! Kevin: Shut up! Scene Description: Kenny's watching a show that will have an unexpected twist. Right in front of the TV is an empty can of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. Random images of white trash culture pop up. The first one is a trailer with an awning Announcer: They're noisy. Man 1: Fuck you, bitch! [runs out of the trailer] Woman 1: [throws an unlabeled crumpled empty bottle at him] You son of a bitch! [the man turns around and walks back to the trailer to hit her] Scene Description: next is a backyard fight between two women. A blonde is holding a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer Announcer: They're nasty. Woman 2: [redhead, to a blonde] You done spilled that on my titties, skank! [shoves her off her feet, taking the beer the blonde was holding and finishing it off] Woman 3: Oww... Announcer: They're white trash. And when you give them a little Pabst Blue Ribbon [an image of the beer bottle fills the screen], they can't help getting arrested. [Kevin picks up a block and throws it at Stuart, hitting him on the forehead. Onscreen, police break up a fight among several men] Tonight, on an all-new... White Trash... In Trouble! Scene Description: A narrator appears on screen, wearing a beige overcoat, standing in a graffiti-riddled set Narrator: Pabst Blue Ribbon and white trash. It's a deadly combination that can lead to prison time and children being taken away from their home. This white trash home in Colorado seems innocent enough. [The McCormick home is shown] Kenny: [sits up upon recognizing the house] (Hmmm. What the fuck?) [goes to see what's going on. Stuart and Kevin continue to fight, and Carol tries to intervene, only to have Stuart slap her.] Narrator: But the children in this home live in a world of neglect. There's no heating, no groceries, [a spotlight pans around the back yard] and if you look closely in the backyard, you can even make out what appears to be a meth lab. [a red arrow points to a small shed against the house which does indeed have a meth lab in it. Kenny looks out a window next to the back door.] Kenny: [runs back to warn his parents] (Mom, the cops are here! Mom, Dad, the cops are here!) [Kevin has gotten on Stuart's back and is choking him. At the front door, police make use of a battering ram to get into the house. They all rush in and surround the family] Cops: Down on the ground! Move it! Let's go! Move move! Get down, now! [The parents get on their knees and put their hands behind their heads. Ten officers end up in the living room with guns drawn. There are twice as many officers outside.] Scene Description: The McCormick house, outside, night. The parents have been arrested and are escorted out by police. The kids walk out freely Carol: No! Muh babies! Don't take my babies! Stuart: [taken to one car] You're hurting my arm! Carol: [taken to another] My babies! Stuart: You're hurting me! Officer 1: You have the right to remain silent. Now please look at the camera and say "I'm white trash and I'm in trouble." Stuart: I'm white trash and I'm in trouble. ["IN TROUBLE" is stamped on the screen right away. This happens after every admission of "I'm white trash and I'm in trouble."] Officer 1: Alright, good. Now get in the car! [Stuart gets in. A crowd gathers to view this scene] Cartman: [filming with his phone] Oh wow, poor people being arrested. What a rare occurrence. [chuckles and waves with his left hand] Hi, Kenny! Kenny, wave! [to his phone] That's Kenny, about to be sent to a foster home. Pretty funny. Officer 2: Just have a seat in there, kids. [puts the kids into the back seat] Kevin: [still drunk, but mocking] Just have a seat in there, kids. [the cop closes the door] Scene Description: Park County Police Station, later. Officer 1: The mother and father will probably be released from jail on Monday, but I guess the kids are gonna be taken away for good. Child Protective Services is about to talk to them in the soft room. Officer 3: The soft room? Officer 1: You know, the room we have set aside for kids to feel safe in. Scene Description: The soft room. It's a room with large pictures of friendly-faced clowns on all four walls. Against the walls are toys and games for small kids to enjoy as they wait. The McCormick kids sit on a sofa, looking around the room scared at the clown pictures. The door opens and a heavy-set man walks in. Mr. Adams: Hi kids, how you doin'? My name's Mr. Adams and I just need to get some info from you. Does that sound okay? Karen: [scared, sniffling, she holds on to Kenny] Can I see my mommy? Mr. Adams: No, sorry. Now, [opens a folder] I've been looking over your file and I see you kids have all been horribly physically and emotionally abused. [the kids look at him in astonishment] Oh whoops, that isn't your case file, it's the Penn State University Gazette. [laughs] I'm joking, that's just a joke, we like to have fun here. [closes the folder and shows it to the kids] It is your case file. I was just all like "it's the Penn State Gazette" to be like a joke, we have fun. Now listen, you're gonna be put into a foster home, so I need to know... would you like to go to Neverland Ranch, a Catholic church, or Penn State University? [laughs at his own joke] We're havin' fun here, aren't we? I just, I come up with these and the guys, it's good to laugh. [goes to the door and yells into the hall] I just asked them if they wanted to go to Neverland, a Catholic church, or Penn State. [closes the door and returns to his chair] I'm a trickster. People say I'm really meant for comedy. Here's my head shot just in case you know anybody. [shows his picture, then hands out copies to the kids] Can't hurt, right? Okay, now, are we all startin' to feel a little bit better? [Karen cries] Oh come on now, how about that smile? I'm gonna GET [holds out his right palm] you to smile! I'm gonna GET [holds out his right palm again] you to smile! [silence] A Penn State administrator walks into a bar. Where's that smile? How about this one? Joe Paterno doesn't walk into a police station. Come on, that's a good one. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids are in the hallway. Stan walks over to Kyle Stan: Did you hear anything more about what happened? Kyle: Dude, I don't think Kenny's coming back. My dad said those Child Protective Services people are pretty serious. Stan: We can't let Kenny be sent away forever. There's gotta be something we can do. Cartman: [runs up to the other two with a memo pad] Guys! Guys! I've been workin' on it, and I think I have some answers. Stan: Really? Cartman: Yeah. I've gone through every student in the school, and I'm pretty sure now that Kenny's gone, the poor kid is Craig! Kyle: That's what you care about?! Who's the poorest kid in school now?! Cartman: Pretty much went through everybody. Craig's got the mo- [noticing Craig coming into view] sh, sh sh sh sh. Here he comes, here he comes. [as Craig passes by] Heya, Craig, your uh... your family get you that jacket at Walmart or Kmart? [stifles a laugh] Craig: What are you talking about? Cartman: Nothing dude, it's cool, it's cool. I mean, we would tell your parents to shop at nicer places, but... your mom is so poor she can't even pay attention. [stifles a laugh] Scene Description: A rundown two-story house somewhere, day. Two police officers arrive with the McCormick kids at their new home, A man answers the door as his wife stands some distance away from it. Officer 2: Mr. and Mrs. Weatherhead, we have the new foster kids for your care. [the kids enter] Mr. Weatherhead: Very good, we'll take them from here. Children, enter. [the kids walk in further, the cops leave, Mr. Weatherhead closes the door, and Mrs. Weatherhead's face gets stern] Welcome to your new home. Before we show you around let's get one thing clear: this is a very strict religious household! As long as you live here you will be agnostic! [leads the children to a group of nine other kids] These are your foster brothers and sisters! They are all strict agnostics! David, do you believe in God?! David: [blond boy with glasses] I don't know... Mr. Weatherhead: Right! There are two bedrooms upstairs! Boys' room and girls' room! Your chores are listed on their respective doors! Follow! [guides them into the kitchen] You will eat only at designated meal times! Beverages you may take from the refrigerator as you like! However, in this house you will drink only agnostic beverages! [opens the refrigerator door to reveal the contents] Dr Pep-er, and Diet Dr Pep-er! [takes out a can and shows it to the kids] Because what flavor is it?! It is neither root beer nor cola! Nobody is sure what flavor it is, and nobody can be sure! Isn't that right, Melissa?! Melissa: [ginger girl] I don't know. Mr. Weatherhead: Good! Scene Description: South Park Elementary Computer Lab, day. Butters is doing research for Cartman as Cartman watches. Cartman: This is awesome, Butters! You really think you got something?! Butters: Yep. To find out who the poorest kid is, I actually was able to see which kids in school got those coupons they hand out for school lunch. Cartman: Eh yeah? Butters: So then I cross-referenced all the kids who were on half-priced lunches with the tax records of people in town to see which kids' parents actually made the least amount of money last year. Cartman: [laughs] Heh heh, yeah? Butters: Well actually, Eric, it's you. [Cartman keeps his smile for a few seconds more, then frowns.] Cartman: What? Butters: Now that Kenny's gone, [points to Cartman] your household actually has the lowest income. [Cartman is stunned, then dejected. Butters consoles him] I'm sorry, pal. Cartman: [hops off his chair and moves off a bit, then gets a panicked look] Oh my God... If we found this out it's only a matter of time before everybody else does. Butters: Uh, I won't tell anybody. Cartman: [turns around and glares at Butters] Oh come on! We're not the only ones who wanted to look into this! You think, you think Kyle isn't on the computer right now tryin' to see who the poorest kid in school is?! Oh he is gonna have such a field day, that heartless Jew! [makes a fist, then crosses his arms] Well I won't give him the satisfaction! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway. Bill and Red are chatting, Lola talks to Bebe. As the kids mill around, Cartman comes around the corner and moves from person to person as he speaks. Cartman: Alright, let's hear it for Kyle! [claps] He's so funny, isn't he guys?! With all his jokes about Cartman being poor. You guys hear how poor Cartman's mom is?! His mom is so poor the ducks throw bread at her! Hahaha! Yeah, that's super funny, guys! [Stan and Kyle turn from their lockers to look at him] Laugh it up, everyone! [ends up by Stan and Kyle] Cartman's mom is so poor that when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers! HA! I beat you to it, Kyel! Kyle: [slowly so that there's no mistake] My name. Is not. "Kyel". Cartman: That's kewl! Whatever Kyel! Must be nice having everything you want! [runs away] Scene Description: The Cartman residence, the same day. Liane enters the living room with groceries and sees her son on the armchair. Liane: Hi, sweetie. Cartman: [sighs] Sit down Mom, we need to have a talk. Liane: [sets the groceries on the floor] Oh, what is it this time? [sits down on the sofa] Cartman: Mom, how are you going to start bringing more money into this household? Liane: What, hon? Cartman: You have to start doing more, Mom! What are you doing with your time?! Liane: Eric, I'm working two jobs. Mommy's doing everything she can. Cartman: Yeah, see, the problem, Mom, is that with Kenny gone I'm now the poorest kid in skewl! Liane: Well, we're in a tough economy, Eric. I don't know what else you want me to do about it. Cartman: [trying to get this straight] We're in a tough economy. You don't know what else I want you to do about it. Life isn't handed to you, Mom! You can't just sit on your ass and expect some money to appear! Liane: Eric, we aren't that much poorer than most people. Cartman: Not much huh?! My mom is so poor, when she heard about the Last Supper she thought she was running out of food stamps! Liane: Oh. [laughs] Cartman: IT'S NOT FUNNY, MOM!! [runs off] Scene Description: Cartman's room, night. Cartman is on his bed crying Cartman: My mom is so poor she waves around a Popsicle and calls it air conditioning. I wish I could be put in a kewl foster home like Kenny's familyyy. Scene Description: The Weatherhead house, night. There are cows everywhere and no pavement on the sidewalk or path to the house. In the girls' room there are six girls, and one of them is crying while the others sleep. It's Karen. A shadow comes over her and she stops crying when she notices. She gets on her knees in bed Karen: Huh? [calms down] Oh, it's you. [smiles. In the window is Mysterion!] I was wondering when you'd appear. You always come when I'm sad. Mysterion: You are going to be okay, Karen! You have to keep believing that! Karen: Why did my mommy and daddy go to jail? Mysterion: [thinks a moment] Sometimes, people do stupid things. Sometimes they don't realize what should have come first. Until it's too late. Karen: But I'm all alone now. Mysterion: You are not alone. No matter where you go, no matter what you do, I will always be here! Do you understand? Karen: I'll try, guardian angel. Mysterion: Don't try, Karen. Do. [the bedroom light comes on] Mr. Weatherhead: What in the name of nobody knows are you doing, Karen?! [she looks back at him, then at the window. Mysterion is gone. Mr. Weatherhead goes to the window and looks out to see what Karen was looking at. Failing to see him, he closes the windows and keeps vigil for a bit] Scene Description: Park County Police Station. A phone rings and one of the officers answers it. Officer 4: Police man. [starts taking notes] Yes. Yes. Alright, thanks for the tip. We'll check it out. [hangs up] Better call the lieutenant. Looks like we've got another meth lab in town. Scene Description: The Cartman house, night. The front yard is full of police, and a few of them are inside, as seen through the open front door. Liane is being arrested and nearby are two suitcases Officer 5: Got any needles on you? Any crack pipes? Liane: Oh, oh, my goodness no. I haven't used drugs in quite a while. Officer 5: Then why is there a meth lab in your backyard? Cartman: [comes down the stairs in a Hawaiian shirt] What is going on here? Mom, what have you done? Were things so bad for you financially you had to turn to a life of crime?! My mom is so poor she uses Cheerios for earrings. Well... guess I'm off to a foster home then. [walks over to the suitcases and grabs the handles] Hawaii is my first choice. Something not exactly on the beach but maybe just a short walk away? [turns left and begins to walk out] It's gonna take me years to recover from being torn from my mother's arms. Only the ocean breezes and coconut trees can help me now. Officer 5: When will you people learn to lay off the Pabst Blue Ribbon? Now look at the camera and say "I'm white trash and I'm in trouble." Liane: Oh. Ah, I'm white trash and I'm in trouble. Scene Description: Park County Police Station, day, the soft room. Cartman sits there waiting for Mr. Adams, who soon enters. Mr. Adams: Hi there, how you doin'? My name's Mr. Adams, and I'm with Child Protective Services. [sits down, but just as quickly gets up] Here's my head shot. [gives Cartman a picture of himself] I just need to get some information from you if that's okay. Cartman: [sets the picture aside] Yeah, yeah. Mr. Adams: Okay, now it says here your mother was operating a meth lab. Cartman: That's right. Mr. Adams: And it also says here that Penn State prefers to be losing at halftime? Because at Penn State they like when you're a little behind in the locker room. That's a joke. Did you get that one? It's a play on words, we like to have fun here. Cartman: Wha'? Dude, do you think this is funny?! Mr. Adams: We just - no, we just like to have fun here. Cartman: Well I'll tell you somethin'! Being from a low-income household isn't funny! Oh heell no, my momma's so poor she opened a Gmail account just so she could eat the spam! [Mr. Adams doesn't look too happy] Mr. Adams: What? What, is that supposed to be some kind of joke? You think you're funny? Cartman: A joke?! You think being poor is a joke?! Mr. Adams: Could be worse. Cartman: How?! Mr. Adams: Could be in Happy Valley! On a scale from 1 to 10, how old should you be to stay away from Penn State? Cartman: Dude, my momma's so poor when she gets mad she can't afford to fly off the handle so she's gotta go Greyhound off the handle! Mr. Adams: [sighs] Two Penn State administrators walk into a butt-! Scene Description: On the road, day. Two police officers drive Cartman towards his new foster home Cartman: Jesus, this is a long drive. Are we in Hawaii yet? Officer 6: Hawaii? Cartman: Yeah, that's where I requested to be sent. Officer 7: Your foster home is here, pretty much the exact opposite of Hawaii. Cartman: What?? [looks out the window. A sign on the side of the road says "Welcome to Greeley, 'The Exact Opposite of Hawaii" Please drive safely" A crow stands on top of the sign] Greeley? Scene Description: The Weatherhead residence, same day. The kids are mopping, dusting, sweeping, or scrubbing the dining room area. Kenny is scrubbing the floor while Karen sweeps up nearby with a push broom. One boy is vacuuming the throw rug in the living room. Mr. Weatherhead walks by Mr. Weatherhead: Come on now! This is not the way we've told you to tidy up! Remember? Cleanliness is next to godliness, so make it kind of clean but not too much! Amanda! More ambiguous on the dusting! [there's a knock on the door] Kenneth, answer the door! [Kenny gets up and walks to the front door, opens it, and allows Cartman in and closes the door] Cartman: What the? Dude, this is like poorer than my old house! Kenny: (What the fuck are you doing here?!) Mrs. Weatherhead: Hello Eric, your room is upstairs on the left. Are you hungry? Cartman: You're my new mom? Mrs. Weatherhead: You can call me Mom if you like. Cartman: Alright Mom, how much money do you make? Like gross yearly income after taxes? Scene Description: Upstairs. The boys' room is opened and Mr. Weatherhead shows Cartman in. Mr. Weatherhead: This is where you'll sleep with your foster brothers. You will be clean, polite, and most importantly, you WILL follow the agnostic code: We cannot know with certainty if God or Christ exists. They COULD. Then again there COULD be a giant reptilian bird in charge of everything. Can we be CERTAIN there isn't? NO, so it's pointless to talk about. Now say it with me. Cartman: Goddamn, I've gotta sleep in a room with six other people?! How poor are we?! Mr. Weatherhead: HEY! We do not take the Lord's name in vain in this house, just in case there is one! Do you understand, or do you need the punishment room?! Cartman: Oh heell naw! [yells into the hallway] Mom! Dad's being mean to me! Mem! MEEM! [Mrs. Weatherhead walks in] Mrs. Weatherhead: My name. Is not. Meom! Scene Description: Greeley Elementary, day. There are cows all over the campus and the building is even plainer than South Park Elementary's. Inside, Cartman walks with Kenny and Karen down the hallway Cartman: Oh God, I'm so nervous. These kids all seem kind of mean. Karen: I'll see you at recess, right? Kenny: (I'll be there, Karen.) [Karen walks into her classroom] Cartman: You've already been here awhile, Kenny, so you have to introduce me to your friends, okay? And make sure they know I'm kewl. You've gotta have my back, Kenny! [Kenny walks up to a group of his new friends] Boy 1: [with thick wavy hair] Oh hey, Kenny. Who's this? Kenny: (This is Eric Cartman.) Boy 2: [the tall one] Does he live with you at the foster home? Cartman: [moves past Kenny] Okay, alright, so listen: I know our family is poor, okay?! But before we lived there, Kenny was actually poorer than me! So technically, he's the poorest kid at this school! Boy 1: What are you talking about? The poor kid in this school is Jacob Hallery. [Hallery is shown seated on some steps, looking unkempt and eating moldy bread] Cartman: Really? Boy 2: Yeah, dude. His dad died five years ago and his mom went crazy from depression, so she can't even keep a job. Cartman: [jumps for joy] YES! Yeheah, did you hear that Kenny?? We're good! I seriously thought we didn't stand a chance, but now... everything's gonna be okay! Cause I'm not (I'm not) the poor kid at school! [runs up to Jacob] Let's hear it for Jacob Hallery, guys! His mom is so poor she cuts coupons out to be institutionalized! Greeley Colorado's the place to be! It's a whole new beginning for you and me! Life can only get better 'cause I know one simple ruuule! I'm not (he's not) the poor kid at school! Boy 1: Did he do stuff like this at your old school? Kenny: (Uh huh.) Cartman: Let's put our hands up, everyone! 'Cept for Jacob. His mom is so poor she only understands hand-OUTS. [laughs even harder] Scene Description: The principal's office, later. Cartman is facing the principal now. Principal: Eric, at Greeley Elementary we do not tolerate students making fun of other students. Cartman: I wasn't making fun of anybody. Principal: [reading from a report about the incident] A twenty-minute song and dance number with forty seven "Yo momma so poor" jokes directed at Jacob Hallery, which ended in a finale with fireworks. Cartman: I was just teasing. Principal: Your case worker has been notified, and he is not happy. Cartman: My case worker? [looks over his shoulder and sees Mr. Adams walk in] Oh, not this guy! Mr. Adam: I know this is a difficult adjustment for you, Eric! But you can't just turn all your frustrations on a little kid who can't defend himself! I mean, what do you think this is?! The shower room at Penn State?! I'm kidding. We like to have fun in our department, so I was like, I was like, "What? Is this like the shower room at Penn State?!" I joke around. This is my head shot. [hands the principal a picture of himself] Cartman: Will you stop with the Penn State jokes?! All you're doing is taking something topical and revamping old Catholic jokes! Mr. Adams: [a few seconds of silence] Oh! Oh, and "your momma" jokes are better?! They've been around since the '50s! Principal: [exasperated, he pounds both fists on the desk] What the hell does this have to do with anything?! Girl 1: Principal, you've gotta send help to the playground! They're about to beat up that new kid! Scene Description: The playground outside. Karen has been singled out and the other kids close in on her. Jessica: Aww, look at the new kid and her wittle dolly. You gonna cry some more in class, wimp?! Boy 3: L-leave her alone. Jessica: Shut up! You foster twerps are all the same! Come on! Hand over the doll! [from on high Mysterion drops down in front of Karen] Who the hell is this?! Mysterion: How about you find another little girl to pick on? Jessica: Mind your business, Peter Pan! [Mysterion kicks her in the stomach, then gives her a flying punch across the face which leads to a black eye, and punches her again, leading to her falling on her face] Mysterion: [pulling Jessica's head up by her hair] Karen McCormick is off limits! Do you understand?! Make sure everybody in this school knows! [drops some Chinese fireworks as a distraction while he takes Karen up to the roof.] Scene Description: The Weatherhead house, night. The family is at table. Mr. Weatherhead leads grace as Mrs. Weatherhead serves dinner individually. Mr. Weatherhead: And if this food comes as a gift from some divine intelligence, we understand that an intelligent being cannot blame us for questioning its existence. Nobody knows, nobody can know if any deity is watching over us. Amen. Boy 4: Except for Karen's guardian angel. Mr. Weatherhead: What? Melissa: Where did he take you after he saved you, Karen? Karen: He just took me back to my classroom. Then he disappeared like always. Mr. Weatherhead: [pounds the table] What have we told you about making up angel stories?! Girl 3: But we SAW him. He leaped down from the sky. David: And he kicked the crap out of Jessica Pinkerton. [the other kids begin to chime in] Mrs. Weatherhead: [moving quickly to the head of the table] Stop it, children! We do not speak such certainties in this house! Mr. Weatherhead: Get down to the basement, all of you! It's time for the Punishment Room! [Kenny gets angry] Scene Description: The basement, also known as the Punishment Room, later. David is now tied up and dangling from one of the beams. Mrs. Weatherhead douses him with a torrent of Dr Pep-er. The Weatherheads have kegs of it down there. David: AAAAAAAH! Mr. Weatherhead: Now, did you see an angel?! David: No, I - no - I didn't see an angel. Mr. Weatherhead: No, you can't be certain of that! You might've seen one! [to his wife] Hit him with the Dr Pep-er again. [the wife lets loose the drink once again, then stops] Are there such things as angels?! David: Maybe. Mr. Weatherhead: Good! [the wife lets loose the drink once again] Karen: What do we do, Kenny? [Kenny isn't there] Kenny? Mr. Weatherhead: What is the meaning of life?! David: It's impossible to knoooow! Mr. Weatherhead: That's right! [a knock is soon heard, and it's persistent] Mrs. Weatherhead: Who could that be? [the adults go upstairs and to the front door to answer it] Mr. Adams: Mr. and Mrs. Weatherhead, I received some disturbing news that all you're providing the foster children here to drink is soda? Cartman: Haha, I told on you Mom and Dad! Mr. Weatherhead: What business is that of yours?! Mr. Adams: It's my business because Child Protective Services is accountable for these kids! [he now talks more calmly] Have I given you my head shot? Mrs. Weatherhead: Yes, yes, we have that. Mr. Adams: Okay now, are you only giving these kids Dr Pepper to drink? Mr. Weatherhead: If we want to serve agnostic beverages in this house, then by Goddish we'll do it! The children you've sent here are undisciplined and talking about the certainty of angels! [a window breaks upstairs and the Weatherheads go up to see where it broke] Mr. Adams: Excuse me! [waits, then sighs] Let's have a look around. Scene Description: Upstairs, the Weatherheads enter the girls' room and find the walls covered in colored question marks - the sign of Mysterion. The Weatherheads walk towards the window Mr. Weatherhead: What the? Who did this? Mrs. Weatherhead: What is that? [Mysterion turns right and runs down the hallway and into the boys' room. The Weatherheads follow suit and find Mysterion squatting on the window sill. Mysterion drops down and out of view. The Weatherheads reach the window] Mrs. Weatherhead: It was like a... little mystery person... flying around. Mr. Weatherhead: Almost like some kind of... agnostic angel. [notices a note pinned to the outside wall with a knife. He removes the note and reads it. "Look in the fridge."] Scene Description: The basement. Mr. Adams and Cartman get to the floor and Mr. Adams finds the door to the Punishment Room locked, so he decides to run into it. This proves successful, and Mr. Adams gets to see what his work has led to. Mr. Adams: Oh my God. [David is still dangling from the beam and the other kids are still in the corner by the water heater] What's going on here? David: [softly] We don't know... We can't possibly know... Mr. Adams: [leans back on the door frame] What have I done? [sits in the doorway with his head in his hands] I took you kids from your parents without even checking into where you were going! I put innocent children into a dangerous environment! What am I, a recruitment coach for Penn State? [begins to cry. Cartman laughs] It's not funny! Scene Description: The ground floor. The Weatherheads make their way slowly to the refrigerator. Mr. Weatherhead: There's nothing in there but Dr Pepper, right? There can't be. [inside is one can of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer with a question mark attached to it with a spring. Mrs. Weatherhead opens the door quickly and finds the can] Mrs. Weatherhead: Ohhh... Mr. Weatherhead: How did that get here?! [takes the can out, and his wife closes the door] It says it's a Pabst Blue Ribbon. Mrs. Weatherhead: What is it? Mr. Weatherhead: [opens the can and takes a sip] It's like beer... but different. [hands it to his wife] Mrs. Weatherhead: [takes a sip] But how did it get here? [they begin to take turns sipping the beer.] Scene Description: Outside. Greeley police cars have pulled up and cops have poured out. Some of them are taking the Weatherheads out of the house as the foster kids watch. Mr. Weatherhead: Shut your mouth, bitch! Mrs. Weatherhead: You shut your mouth, you filth-fucking asshole! Mr. Weatherhead: Fuck you, bitch! Greeley officer 1: You have the right to remain silent. Now look at the camera and say "I'm white trash and I'm in trouble." Mrs. Weatherhead: I'm white trash and I'm in trouble! Greeley officer 2: Get in the car, you! Mr. Weatherhead: Wait a minute, I'm white trash and I'm in trouble? Mr. Adams: No, no, take all these kids back to their parents! We've embarrassed the system and made it something nobody wants to be a part of! It's like a Penn State homecoming party! [covers his face and begins to cry. Nearby, Cartman is already in the back seat of a cruiser as a third cop talks to him] Greeley officer 3: A false police report can carry up to a two-month prison term, son. Cartman: I'm not saying it. Greeley officer 3: We can do this the easy way, or we can do it hard! Cartman: I'm not saying it! Greeley officer 3: Then we'll add another charge for resisting! Cartman: Okay, fine! [turns to the camera] I'm white trash and I'm in trouble! Narrator: Three arrests in just one power-packed episode, proving once again that we are all just one Pabst Blue Ribbon away from becoming... white trash in trouble! Sponsored by Schlitz. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids are once again in the hallway, but this time they're cheering Kenny's return Stan: Well it sure is good to have you back, Kenny. Kenny: (Thanks, Stan.) Kyle: I hear your parents might give up selling meth for good. Kenny: (Good for me.) Cartman: [walks up] There he is, there's my buddy. Kyle: How was jail, fatass?! Cartman: Well, I did a lot of thinking. And you know, guys, there's an important lesson I think we've all learned. What do we do when the tables are turned? The day's looking brighter. Gray skies are turning blue. 'Cause I'm not (He's not, he's not) the poor kid at school! Kenny's back and it's such a thrill. Now I'm rich just like Stan and Kiul! All that matters is no one thinks I'm a tool! 'Cause I'm not (He's not, he's not) That's right, the poor kid in school. Sing it with me, guys! He's not the poor kid in school. (He's not) I'm not- [a giant reptilian bird's head smashes through the roof and second floor of the school and the kids clear out as the head looks around] Kids: Aaaah! [the beak grabs Kenny and swings him back and forth between the lockers] Kenny: (AAAAHH!) [the bird opens its mouth and swallows Kenny, then flies away. The kids look through the massive hole left by the bird] Stan: ...What the fuck?! Cartman: [begins to cry and walk away while Kyle stares angrily at him] Aww, my mom is so poor she walks down the road with one shoooe. [backs up] And if you ask her if she lost a shoe, she'd say "No, I found ooone."

Scene Description: The Donovan house. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny and Clyde are playing football in the backyard. Stan: Throw it here! Throw it here! [Clyde throws the ball.] Yeah! Nice one, Clyde! [Clyde's mom shouts through the window.] Betsy: Clyde! Clyde! Clyde, get up here! Hurry! [Clyde runs in with panic. The boys follow him.] Scene Description: Betsy is waiting Clyde in the bathroom with an angry expression. Clyde comes in and the other boys wait him outside. Betsy: [points at the toilet] What is that? Clyde: A toilet? Betsy: That's right. It's a toilet, Clyde. And where is the toilet seat? It's up, because you left it up, again! We've been through this countless times, Clyde. Clyde: Okay mom, just not in front of my friends okay? Betsy: No, not okay. Because you aren't getting the message! What if I'd fallen in? Start listening to me! Put it down! Put it down! [Clyde hurriedly puts it down. Betsy walks to the door] Thank you. [Clyde stands alone, embarrassed.] Cartman: [whistles] Dude, that sucks, Clyde. A mom shouldn't be able to put rules on toilet-time like that. Toilet-time is the last bastion of American freedom. Kyle: Is your mom always like that dude? Clyde: Look, could you guys just not say anything about this in school, please? Cartman: [puts his arm on Clyde] Of course, man. It's cool. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids are in class. Cartman: [imitating Clyde's mom] Clyde, Clyde! What have I told you about pissing on the seat? And Clyde's all like "Ah, okay mom, fuck! Not in front of my friends! [He laughs, Butters joins him.] Kyle: Cartman, it was actually really lame. Cartmam: I know, right. Women are just jealous 'cause they have to sit outwards to pee and crap. Butters: [laughs] Wait a minute! You're supposed to poop on the toilet facing out? [looks around] But I thought you sit on the toilet this way. [demonstrates by sitting backwards on his chair] So that you have that nice little shelf for your comics and chocolate milk? Well, because you got the flusher right here. No? [turns around] Oh jeez, that's embarrassing. Betsy: [offscreen] Clyde! Clyde! [comes in wearing a nightgown, a coat and slippers] There you are! Clyde: Mom? Betsy: Clyde Donovan, you come home this instant! Clyde: Why? Betsy: What have I told you about putting the toilet seat down after you go to the bathroom? Clyde: Mom, I'm in class. Betsy: How many times do I have to tell you Clyde? I was trying to get ready for work and the toilet seat was up, again. Roger: Betsy, come back home. It's just not that big a deal. Betsy: No, Roger! It's a disgusting habit and I'm sick and tired of it. If I had sat down, I would have gotten toilet water all over my vagina. Butters: My grandma is from Virginia. [smiles] Betsy: You're coming home right now, and you're putting the seat down where it belongs. Let's go. Clyde: [Looks down in embarrassment, leaves the classroom.] Scene Description: The Cartman house, night. Cartman is lying on his bed with his pajamas on and he is cutting his toenails and eating Thwizlers while talking on the phone. Cartman: Dude, I'm telling you it was fucking hysterical. Clyde had to get up in the middle of class and follow his mom home to put the seat down. He was so embarrassed, dude, I thought he was gonna die. Scene Description: The Broflovski house, night. Kyle is talking on the phone while his family is seen eating dinner behind. Kyle: I know, fatass. I was there. Cartman: His mom... His mom goes: "Clyde you're an asshole and now I have toilet water in my vagayjay." Kyle: That's not what she said. You're putting extras on again. It's not that funny. Cartman: I know dude. The bathroom is the last bastion of American freedom. Kyle: Don't you just feel a little bad for Clyde? Cartman: Nuh-uh. Kyle: Well you should. The poor guy shouldn't be screamed for something that just isn't that big a deal at all. [police siren is heard offscreen.] Scene Description: The Donovan house, night. The police, firefighters, ambulance and a crowd of people has gathered around the house. A ladder is placed to reach the second floor window. The camera pans to Stan and Kenny with Kyle approaching them. Kyle: What's going on? Stan: They are trying to save Clyde's mom. Kyle: From what? Stan: They're saying Clyde left the toilet seat up again. Scene Description: The Donovan's bathroom. Betsy is stuck in the toilet, moaning and desperately trying to get herself out. Three firemen, a paramedics figure and Clyde are standing beside her. Fireman 1: Hang it there. You're going to be fine okay? Stay with me now. [Another fireman approaches Roger.] Fireman 2: I'm sorry, there's nothing we can do. Roger: What?! Fireman 2: When she fell into the toilet, she also made it flush. It created a suction that's literally pulling out her insides. Roger: Can't we disconnect the toilet from the plumbing? Paramedic: Yes, we'll have to, but when we do that the change in pressure will rip out her organs. Clyde: But she's not gonna die, is she? Fireman 2: Why did you leave the toilet seat up, son? Betsy: Clyde! Clyde! [Clyde goes next to her.] Clyde, I want you to know I don't blame you for this. We should have been h-h-harder on you all those times you left the toilet seat up. Clyde: Mom, I'm sorry. Betsy: Shhh! Sh! I.. don't... have a lot of time, Clyde. Just please put the toilet seat down from now on for your sister's sake, please. Oh, God, please let me go. Let me go. Do it! Do it! Do it! [The third fireman shuts off the plumbing. Betsy screams while her organs are pulled out, then stops, apparently dead.] Clyde: Mom? Scene Description: The church. It's the funeral of Betsy Donovan. A plain chant is heard. Stephen Stotch is giving his speech. Stephen: I'll always remember Betsy Donovan's kind nature, more than anything. She always treated people with dignity and respect. [The camera zooms out. Betsy's corpse in the coffin is seen with a heavy make-up and a pink dress, yet still stuck in the toilet.] What a tragedy she had to leave us so soon. But I'm sure Betsy is hoping that her death will help women everywhere, just take that extra second to look before they sit on a toilet. [Sharon and Sheila look at each other in disbelief.] Linda: I'd like to say on behalf of the departed, that it isn't a woman's responsibility to see that the seat is down. It's a man's responsibility to put it down. It's not that hard. [all the women start to applause] Women: Yeah, yes. That's right. Man With Grey Hair: [reads from a paper] Putting the toilet seat down isn't that hard. So is it too much to ask women to just look and put it down before they go plopping their butts blindly to the toilet bowl? Woman With Brown Hair: My God, people. This is a funeral! Please have some respect! There's a little boy here who has lost his mother! [Clyde is shown, looking down in sorrow] He'll never see her again, because he couldn't take that sixth-tenths of a second to put the seat down when he was done peeing. [camera shows the woman again] And now little Clyde's mother is dead, and the blood is on his penis. [organ music is played] Scene Description: The Cartman house, day. Two men from the TSA ring on the door. Cartman is watching Terrance and Phillip while eating cereal. Terrance: Crap. It's too bad we didn't find any treasure on the subway, Phillip. Phillip: Oh, hello, Ugly Bob. [the doorbell rings again] Ugly Bob: Hello Terrance. Hello Phillip. Cartman: Mom, get the door! [Liane walks in to answer the door] Terrance: You're looking hideously ugly today, Ugly Bob. Ugly Bob: How come you guys say stuff like that? Phillip: Because you're goddamn ugly... [The sound from the TV fades away] TSA agent 1: Hello ma'am, we're the Toilet Safety Administration. Liane: The what? TSA agent 2: After the recent tragedy, new safety regulations require us to check every toilet for security. Can we come in? Liane: Oh sure. [The TSA employees come in and go upstairs to the bathroom.] Cartman: Who are these buttholes? Liane: It's the Toilet Safety Administration, hun. They're gonna do something to the potty. Cartman: My potty? What are they going to do to it? [runs upstairs] Scene Description: The hallway. The TSA employees enter the bathroom while Cartman runs after them. Cartman: Hey, hey! That's my bathroom! [Liane follows him] Scene Description: The bathroom. TSA agent 1: Oh yeah, we're gonna have to completely redo this ma'am. Liane: Oh. TSA agent 1: You need to have this counter moved to a minimum of six inches, but we'll go ahead and install your safety belt. Liane: Safety belt? TSA agent 2: Federal law requires all toilets to be fitted with a safety harness so that nobody can fall in. Cartman: Dude, you can't make me wear a seatbelt to take a dump. TSA agent 2: This is for your safety. A woman died, you know. Cartman: Yeah but the blood's on Clyde's wiener, not mine. Scene Description: Hoffman & Turk Law Office. Clyde, Kyle, Stan and Jimmy are talking to an attorney who is reading a case file. Kyle: Sir, we are really worried about our friend Clyde. Everywhere he goes people are telling him he had blood on his wiener. Attorney: Uh-uh, go on. Stan: We keep trying to tell him maybe this all isn't his fault. Maybe the people who made the toilet are to blame for what happened. Kyle: So we were just wondering if we could sue somebody. Attorney: You can always sue somebody. Kyle: All right, you see, Clyde. Okay, we wanna help him sue whoever invented the toilet. Attorney: You got it. [types on his computer] Here we go, the inventor of the toilet. [the camera shows the webpage he's reading, which turns out to be a Wickie page] Sir Thomas Harrington. In England, died in 1692. Kyle: Aw, he's dead? Stan: So then we can't sue him? Attorney: Why not? You can always sue somebody. It's just gonna take some special protocol. We would have to perform a sue-ance. [spooky music, lightning and thunder follow] Jimmy: A...a...a...a sue-ance? Attorney: You bet. Here at Hoffman and Turk we specialize in suing the dead. If you hire us, we'll work hard, for you. Stan: Wow, really?! Kyle: [puts his arm around Clyde] You hear that Clyde? Attorney: Now look. I'll be asking all of you to have a very open mind and a willingness to face you fears. [draws a curtain] I warn you boys. A sue-ance can be very... expensive. Stan: How expensive? Attorney: How much do you have? Kyle: Clyde got $3000 from his mom's life insurance Attorney: Wow! That's exactly how much a sue-ance costs. [Dramatic music plays. The camera zooms to the man, then pans to the boys.] Jimmy: Wow, that's weird. Scene Description: Randy is sitting on a toilet. He yawns, then farts. A ladder is put on the window, with a cop on it knocking on the window Randy: Aw, damn it. [reaches the seatbelt. The cop knocks again, so he opens the window.] He, hey officer. Officer: If you're stting on the toilet you need to wear your safety belt, sir. Randy: Yeah, I know, I had it on. I just took it off for a second to get the uh... to get to the uh... Officer: The address here is 260 Avenue de los Mexicanos? Randy: Oh, come on, don't give me a ticket! Officer: Gotta wear your safety belt or you could fall in. Randy: I'm not gonna fall in. I'm not a chick. [puts his belt on] Officer: The law is the law sir. [hands over the ticket] You can pay this by mail or appear in court on that date. Have a good day, sir. [leaves] Randy: Yeah thanks. [under his breath] Asshole. Officer: [comes up] You say something? Randy: No, I was talking to my asshole. C-C'mon, asshole. Let's get back to work. [the cop leaves] Scene Description: International House of Pancakes (IHOP), day. Cartman and Butters are in the long line for the bathroom. Butters looks impatient because of retaining his pee. Cartman: This is unbelievable. Stupid Toilet Safety Administration. You can't even take a crap at IHOP without a forty minute line! R. Booth: Shoes off, belts off! Sharp objects go in the plastic tray! Man 1: This is inhumane. R. Booth: Shut up! Sir. Scene Description: Two TSA agents are examining a woman for the toilet pass. R. Wiley: Taking a dump today, ma'am? Woman 2: No, just need to pee. R. Wiley: I'll just need to check inside your aaasshole. [Cartman comes in] Cartman: Hey, how about you people speed it up in here? I'm about to crap my pants and I demand access to the toilet right now! R. Wiley: All right, do you mind if I touch your balls, sir? Cartman: What? Yes I'd mind! Do you mind if I touch your fucking balls? Gerald: [flushes and comes out the toilet cabin] Okay, I'm done. R. Wiley: Alright, sir. I just need to check inside your aaasshole. [takes out a handkerchief and starts wiping his butt] Gerald: I don't need you wiping my ass for me. I'm a grown man. R. Wiley: Yes, you're a big boy, aren't you, sir? Gerald: Yeah, I'm a big boy. R. Wiley: That's a big boy, sir. Gerald: I'm a big boy. I took a big boy poop. R. Wiley: Yes. Scene Description: Stan, Kyle, Clyde, Jimmy and the attorney are sitting around a table in a dark room. The attorney lights two candles. Attorney: Alright boys, sit down and clear your minds. The sue-ance is about to begin. Doors and windows are locked. You boys have your $500 in cash ready? Stan: [holds the money] Yeah. Attorney: Alright. Then I've got this big bowl set here to catch all money we're about to make. Now. Let us start. [holds hands with Jimmy and Clyde, then closes his eyes, so does Jimmy] We call out to the land of the dead. Sir John Harrington. Your presence is requested. Appear to us, John Harrington. We have a subpoena. Jimmy: Jeez, it's not working. Attorney: John Harrington. My client is due compensation for negligence. [a creepy music plays. The table starts to rock, much to the Stan and Kyle's surprise.] What is your name, spirit? Spirit: [offscreen] Burns. Jimmy Burns. What's it to you? Who are you, mugs? Attorney: [under his breath] That's how people talked in the past. [to the spirit] We have a claim against a John Harrington. Do you know him, spirit? Burns: Well, maybe I do and maybe I don't. Might need a little something to jar my memory. Attorney: We gotta grease him. Put a hundred in the box. [Stan puts the money. The money disappears with a sparkling effect.] Burns: Oh yeah, Harrington. I know him. Always going round inventing things. Attorney: Yes, that's him. Is his personage amongst you? Burns: Well, maybe it is and maybe it isn't. Attorney: Give him another hundred. [Stan puts the money, it disappears like the previous one] Burns: Yeah, I've seen him around, alright. He was just down that way, bragging about some porcelain machine and whatever. [the table rocks] Spirit 2: Nooo! Nooooo! Attorney: By the power of Christ, we sue you! [fireworks start to pop] By the power of Christ, we sue you! Spirit 2: You can't sue me! [the drawers around the room move] Attorney: Quick, put the other $300 in the box! [Stan tosses the money. The attorney swings the box, gasping for breath.] This actually went really, really well. Always happens some bureaucrat tries to block the first sue-ance attempt, but this was good. We'll get him tomorrow. Clyde: So that's it? Attorney: Yeah, we're gonna need about 400 more dollars tomorrow. I know you're sad about your mom, Clyde, but don't worry. We're going to win this thing. Scene Description: The Marsh house, morning. Randy walks in the hallway to the toilet. He is in his morning gown, hold a coffee in his hand. Scene Description: The toilet. The two TSA agents from IHOP are there. R. Wiley is sitting behind a plastic tray. R. Wiley: Put your coffee in the plastic tray please, sir. R. Booth: Shoes off. Belts off. Rand: [takes off his gown] Yeah yeah. R. West: Got any metal in your pockets? R. Wiley: I just need to check your asshole. Randy: [sighs, then turns around, lowering his pants] So ridiculous. R. Wiley: [examines his ass with a flashlight] Asshole clear. Randy: [puts his pants on] Thanks. R. West: Pick your coffee up, sir. [Randy picks his coffee, then heads to the toilet] R. Wiley: Anyways, he says I'm getting nothing anyway, so then you can... Randy: [points away] Hey, what's that thing? [a camera] R. Wiley: That's a camera. It's a security camera. Randy: Aw, you people have me on camera now? R. West: It's okay, sir. There's just one person viewing the monitors in a discrete location. Scene Description: The TSA security camera monitoring room. There is one guy apparently masturbating over the view of hundreds of people in bathrooms. Scene Description: South Park Community Center. Cartman is giving his speech Cartman: Exactly how long are we going to sit around as our freedoms are stripped away one by one. It's time for us to stand together, and say, we want the government out of our bathrooms. People: Yeah. Cartman: Now listen. All we have to do is agree as a community to all bolt our toilet seats down. If they can't raise or lower, there's zero chance of anyone falling in. Mr. Garrison: Hey, yeah. If there's no toilet seats, the government can't make toilet seat laws. [the crowd cheers] Jimbo: Alright, let's do it. Sheila: No, no, hold on. If the seat can't raise up the men will just pee all over it. Man 3: No, we won't. Woman 3: Yeah, you will. Cartman: Well, sorry if women might have to deal with a little splash of pee on the rim, but it's a far better solution than having the government in out bathrooms, right? Woman 4: How about we agree to that, if men will agree that they will always sit down to urinate. Stephen: Well, no, you can't make men sit down to pee. How could we play sink the boat? Randy: Yeah, how will Nelson and I make an X on sleepover nights? Man 4: What about us loggers? Hardworking man who like to stand up after they have taken a poo and then turn around and but the poo in half with their urine? Cartman: Well, sorry, but if we don't want the government treating us like children, we might have to give up being able to pee out feces in half. Man 4: But folks been logging round these parts for generations. My pappy taught me logging. And his pappy before him. Randy: Yeah, I think we've just gotta live with the TSA. [several men say 'Yeah' agreeing him] Scene Description: The dark room. Stan, Kyle, Clyde, Jimmy and the attorney are sitting around the same table. The attorney is holding hands with Jimmy and Clyde with his eyes closed. Attorney: Oh, oohh! The spirits of the dead are looking over the subpoena. Motion for summary judgement on behalf of the plaintiff? Ah, aaaah! Jimmy: What's happening now? Attorney: Our motion has been denied by the judge. [the drawers begin to move] Concentrate boys! [holds the box tight. The drawers stop, the attorney heaves a sigh of relief] This specter is like none I have ever encountered. I managed to avert liability within injunction against out claim. Stan: So what does that mean? Attorney: We'll hit him with a class action lawsuit tomorrow. We'll need all your friends and family to sign a petition and kick in 50 bucks each. Kyle: [frowning] What? Attorney: Hang in there, Clyde. This is all to make the world a safer place. Scene Description: The security camera monitoring room. Squishy sounds arise while the monitor guy masturbates. He clicks on the monitor's button a couple of times to change the channel, then stops at a woman reading book while taking a dump. He changes the channel some more, and then takes some bit of the moisturizing lotion on the table to put on his penis. He keeps on changing the channel until the view of Cartman standing with an angry face appears. He keeps looking at the monitor while rubbing his penis, though his motions get more interrupted. Cartman puts a gun on a stool, brings in a baby and R. Wiley, bound and gagged. He climbs up a small ladder and sprays the camera with black spray paint. The man's expression changes to a concerned look. He reaches to the microphone. Monitor Man: Security breeeach! Scene Description: The news. Reporter: An embarrassing day for the toilet safety administration. Shocking outrage ensued after an unknown terrorist managed to get through TSA security with a gun and a baby. Leaving the toilet seat up. The head TSA chief of operations had this to say: Scene Description: R. West is shown sitting on an outside table in a park. R. West: Shiiiit! Reporter: Meanwhile, outraged civilians are claiming they're finally fed up with the overblown government bureaucracy. Scene Description: Park County Community Center, day. A huge crowd has gathered in front of the building. Cartman is standing in front of the crowd, and Randy is behind the pulpit Randy: What good is the TSA if they aren't protecting us? Why have we given up freedom if a terrorist can take a hostage in a bathroom with a baby and a gun on the toilet? Woman 5: And the toilet seat was up. Randy: We've all stood by as our mother government has taken out dignity. Cartman: That's right. Randy: Now it's time for us to take responsibility for ourselves. Cartman: Yeah. Randy: It is time for us all to grow up. Cartman: That's right. Randy: It is time for a sue-ance. People: Yeah. Cartman: Wait, what? What the fuck is a sue-ance? Scene Description: Colorado State Courthouse. A news reporter is standing outside the building. Reporter 2: Tom, I'm standing outside the South Park courthouse where experts have successfully summoned the ghost of toilet inventor Sir John Harrington. Now that the spirit has crossed over from the dead, lawyers are gonna try and sue him. Scene Description: The court. A trial is hold. The judge has a bored look on his face. Attorney: Sir Thomas Harrington, your extreme negligence has cost tax payers millions. Spirit: No! No! Attorney: You will be sued, spirit. Thy liability is without question. [the table before the attorney moves. Jimmy, Clyde, Cartman, Stan and Kyle are shown sitting there.] Appear before this court, Harrington. Spirit: Never! Attorney: Quick, everyone, get our all your money. [the light goes out and the table rocks. A bright light appears above the judge accompanied by an echoed voice. It turns out to be Betsy's ghost.] Betsy: Clyde? Clyde? Clyde: Mom? Betsy: [points to the attorney] This lawyer is a fraud. He has been swindling you and your friends for your money. Attorney: Fuck me, it's a ghost. Betsy: You can't sue the dead, Clyde. Putting the toilet seat down is a matter of simple etiquette. It's common sense, Clyde! Cartman: Oh boy, here we go. Betsy: Don't try and blame mommy's death on anything but your failure to something I have asked you time and time again to do. [camera pans to Clyde] It's your fault! Spirit 2: [offscreen] Now hold on a second! It's not anyone's fault. [everyone turns to the root of the sound. A spirit enters the court] I am sick an tired of all this nonsense over my porcelain toilet machine. P. Sanchez: There he is, Sir John Harrington. Mr. Garrison: Quick, sue him! Sir Harrington: You can't sue me. [approaches to the toilet cabinet located in the court] You're all using my toilet invention the wrong way. [camera pans to the TSA agents who look at each other] When you have to sit and take a Sir Harrington you're supposed to be facing this way. [sits on it backwards, just like the way Butters did] So you can use the little shelf for your books, and your quill and your ink. Butters: A-ha! I told you you should sit on it that way! I told you! Sir Harrington: Why would I design it so that when you're finished taking a Sir Harrington, you have to stand up, turn around and look right down at your Harrington to flush. That's gross. Randy: Yeah, but... but if you sit on it that way, you have to take your pants all the way off. Sir Harrington: Of course! Why do you think I designed toilet rooms with a laundry hole? [points to the hole in the cabin] Randy: That's what that hole is for? Oh. [the people in the room join] Oops. Scene Description: The Cartman house, night. Cartman is lying on the bed in his pajamas while cutting his toenails, just like the beginning of the episode. He is talking on the phone. Cartman: So then... so then Clyde's mom's ghost was all like "Clyde, what have I told you Clyde, you asshole!" And Clyde is all like "Mom, leave me alone! I'm seriously. Stop, please!" Dude, it was a riot. Scene Description: Clyde is reading a comic book on a shelf while holding the receiver on his ear. Clyde: That's not what I said. Cartman: Hah. Yeah, well, I'm just glad that stupid TSA crap is over with. I know you've had a tough week, Clyde. But at least your mom didn't die for nothing. I mean, we're kinda right back at the bathroom being the last bastion of American freedom. So technically, your mom did die for nothing, but... Clyde? Clyde? Scene Description: Clyde is sitting on the toilet... backwards, and peeing. Cartman: [his voice comes through the receiver] Clyde, you there? Hello? [Clyde comes off the toilet, flushing it. He waits for a few seconds, then angrily puts the seat up, and leaves the bathroom while flipping off his mother pointing upwards.]

Scene Description: Looming Sunset Assisted Living center, day. We can surmise from this that Grandpa Marsh was put in this home when Sharon and Randy divorced shortly after Stan's 10th birthday. The family stops by for a visit. Randy: Well, Dad, it was really great seeing you. We'd love to stay for dinner, but the food here gives Sharon diarrhea. Sharon: What?! Randy! Randy: [shushes her] Just trying to leave without being rude. Marvin: [rolls over to a small table next to the TV. There's a gift-wrapped box on it] Hold on, hold on just a second. I got a present for my grandson. [gets the box and wheels back to the family] Come here, Billy. [meets Stan in the middle of the room] You've grown up, Billy. It's time for you to have somethin' expensive and flashy [Stan smiles and glances back at his parents], to impress all the ladies [Stan takes the gift from him, then looks back at his parents]. Sharon: Go ahead and open it, Stan. [Stan opens the gift as Shelly and his parents surround him. Sharon kneels behind him and looks over his shoulder] Ohoho look at that! A bolo tie! Isn't that beautiful, Stan? [she puts it on him - gold base, turquoise center, diamonds surrounding it (12 small, 24 tiny)] Marvin: That's 14 karat gold, with turquoise and reeeal diamonds. Randy: [approaches Marvin] Grandpa, how much did you spend on that? Marvin: Six thousand dollars. Randy: Six thousand?! Marvin: It's worth fifty thousand. The Jewels and Gems Shopping Network said so. Randy: Dad, you shouldn't be spending your retirement money on frivolous things! You should be saving it for when you die. That's our money! Sharon: It's gorgeous, Dad, thank you. Oh, and tomorrow's picture day at school! Stan can wear it for his photo! Marvin: Oh, that's wonderful! That'll make me feel reeeally good. Who's Stan? Scene Description: The bus stop, next day. It's picture day! Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny are waiting at the bus stop. Stan approaches, wearing the bolo tie, and stands next to the other boys. Cartman studies him at length Cartman: Nice bolo tie, Stan. Stan: [looks away to avoid eye contact] Thanks. [Kyle takes notice] Cartman: Bolo ties are... [quickly glances at Kyle] really in right now. Cool you have one. Stan: [annoyed] Look, it was a gift from my grandpa, okay? And it cost a lot of money. Cartman: No, dude, it's... badass. Stan: [angered] It happens to be worth six thousand dollars! Kyle: That... was six grand? Stan: Yeah dude. It's a recreation of the bolo tie worn by King Henry V. Cartman: ...Dude, it's fucking gay as fuck. Stan: [finally breaks, facepalming] I know! [lowers his right arm] I really wish if my grandpa wanted to give me something, he'd just give me the money! Kyle: Why don't you take it to one of those pawn places? Every two blocks you see a guy with a sign that says "Cash For Gold and Jewelry." There must be a lot of people doin' it. Scene Description: Downtown South Park, the jewelry district, day. Outside a Cash For Gold store a man spins a sign around with his hands. Inside, behind a bullet-proof partition, a clerk looks the bolo over with a jeweler's scope Clerk 1: You didn't steal this, did you? Stan: No, my grandpa gave to me as a present. But it's worth so much I reel really bad accepting it, so I just want the cash. Clerk 1: [does some calculations on his computer] It's 14-karat gold, diamond and turquoise. I'll give you fifteen dollars. Stan: ...What? That cost my grandpa six thousand dollars. Those are real diamonds on the outside. Clerk 1: Yeah, I can't really make anything on the diamonds. I'd have to send it to a smelter, have it all smelted down for the gold, probably could make a ten-dollar profit. Stan: Fifteen bucks?! Kyle: Dude, this guy's trying to rook us! We can go someplace else! Stan: Yeah, I'm not gettin' taken advantage of! [takes back the bolo tie] Cartman: You may suck our collective balls, sir! [they leave the store, turn right and walk] Kyle: Don't worry. There's gotta be another cash for gold place around here somewhere. Stan: Yeah! Here's one. [turns into the next store past the empty lot. The man outside is wearing a signboard] Scene Description: Inside the second store, a fat blonde woman looks the bolo tie over Clerk 2: These are real diamonds, right? Stan: Yeah dude, you can test them. Clerk 2: Okay. Eight dollars. Stan: [stunned, then angry] This is the same bolo tie worn by King Henry V! Clerk 2: [looks it over again] Nine dollars. Scene Description: Taco Bell, day. No go at the second store, so the boys come here. Outside, a man twirls a sign around which also points to Taco Bell as a cash for gold and jewelry store. The boys go in and get the bolo tie appraised Clerk 3: Welcome to Taco Bell. Would you like to try our Doritos Locos Tacos? Stan: I wanna see how much you'll give me for this gold and turquoise diamond bolo. [hands the bolo to the clerk. The clerk looks it over, brings out his own pocket scope, and looks it over more closely] Clerk 3: Fourteen-karat gold gets yaaa $14 a gram on the open market, got about... 4 grams here... [puts his scope away] It's not really worth my time. I guess I can give you a six-layer burrito for it. Stan: A six-layer burrito? Kyle: You guys don't even make a six-layer burrito! Clerk 3: Alright, a seven-layer burrito! But that's as high as I'm going! Scene Description: Outside Taco Bell, sitting on a curb Stan: Dude, my grandpa paid $6000 for something barely worth anything. How? How does something like this happen? Scene Description: J&G Shopping Network, Jewelry Bonanza with DEAN, Channel 233. The show is already in progress. Dean, dressed in a white Western shirt, shows off his wares Dean: Okay, folks, we are com-, half-way complete with today's broadcast. [scratches his nose] You wanna get in on these deals, call now. Next item is... This is item number 4 5 7 8 1 1 1. [switch to a close-up] Look at these stunning earrings. These are genuine faux sapphire earrings. Fourteen karat gold, 86 carat faux sapphire. Faux is a French word. Got an x in it, but you don't need to pronounce the x. How do you like that for prestigious? These earrings normally go for $6,000,000. We're gonna sell these today fer... [purses his lips together and exhales through them] $320!That's a steal. Now th-oh, there go the phones, they're lightin' up. I believe we have a sale? Do we have a sale? Yea- let's get her on the line. Hello? Who am I speakin' with? Vivian: Hello... my name is... Vivian. Dean: Vivian, you just got a heck of a deal. What's your last name, sweetheart? Vivian: Oh I... I can't remember. Dean: You can't remember. Well can you remember your credit card number? Vivian: 3 7 1 5- Dean: Hold on, Vivian, we'll get you on with a rep, take down that number. Thanks for shoppin' with us and congratulations on the lovely 14 karat gold sapphire earrings. At that price you practically stole them from us. Ouch. Okay- Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. The boys are looking at Jewelry Bonanza in the living room and have just seen an old woman get swindled out of her money Kyle: Dude, that's terrible! Cartman: I told you guys. I've been watching all day. Stan: But, how do they get away with that? Cartman: This is a new time. A new era of science that only the smartest can comprehend. [walks out] Stan: What are you talking about? Cartman: [standing next to a covered mobile whiteboard] For centuries alchemists have tried to come up with a formula to make gold. Whoever could do it would of course become rich, and now-! The chemical equation is right before our eyes. [unveils the equation] Kyle: That's the chemical equation for gold? Cartman: That's right. [goes through and denotes what each letter means] Guys with Cash For Gold Signs gets you People's Unwanted Crappy Jewelry, which when added to a Cable-Based Shopping Network divided by Demented Old people equals... Gold. [writes in an equal sign and "GOLD" at the end] Kyle: ...Kenny, will you tell Cartman to shut up? Kenny: (Shut the fuck up, dude! You're a fuckin' asshole!) Cartman: Oh, I'm an asshole for doin' math! Dean: Oh my gosh, can you believe this? Somebody's about to get this $20,000 topaz and copper ring for just four thousand bucks. [a close-up of the ring] We've got our buyer on the line. You buyin' this as a gift, sir? Caller: No, I'm buying it as a gift! For my grandson Billy! Stan: Grandpa? [gets off the sofa and runs out the front door] Scene Description: Looming Sunset Assisted Living, night. Marvin is watching Jewely Bonanza. Onscreen is a necklace with a large emerald on it Dean: How about that, folks? That is Brazilian emerald, finest emerald available. We're letting this oen go fer... fourteen ninety five [$1495.00 onscreen], EZ Pay. We call it that to save you time. EZ is an abbreviation of easy. Fourteen ninety five, EZ Pay an... What's that? Okay, alright, I just got word, we are droppin' the Z from EZ Pay. It's now just E Pay. [onscreen EZ Pay is erased, then E Pay appears] By usin' the word E Pay instead of takin' all that time to say EZ Pay, we're savin' you a second of time, and those seconds add up. Go ahead and try it: say E Pay five thousand times. That's five thousand seconds, nine hours... we just saved you here on J&G Shoppin' Network. [Grandpa's eyes begin to wander] Not wastin' your time here, you can't afford not to buy this one. You don't have a lot of time left. Literally. Pass this one down to your kids, your grandkids. [Stan appears at the doorway] Show 'em your life had meaning. Stan: Grandpa. Marvin: [turns his head to the left to look at Stan] Well you see that, Billy? That's an emerald on 14 karat gold. Don't you think your sister would like that? [smiles] Stan: She doesn't like jewelry, Grandpa. Marvin: Ha! Well she will one day. She'll appreciate it. She's, she's just a baby after all. Stan: She's not a baby, Grandpa, she's thirteen. Marvin: Shelly's thirteen? Rihight. Right, boy... [faces the TV again, visibly shaken] Billy, did I ever tell you I used to have a border collie named Patches? Stan: Yes, Grandpa. Marvin: [reminiscing with a smile] I loved that dog. She always made me so happy. When she died, I... I didn't let myself get too sad, 'cause I thought, thought I'd always have the memory of her slobberin' happy face. [the smile disappears] I can't remember what she looked like, Billy... Huh. Huohh. [gets a headache and rests his head on his left hand] Stan: Don't worry, Grandpa. I'm gonna take care of this! [turns to his left and leaves with determination. Marvin is left looking distressed] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, playground, day. During recess, Butters twirls a sign around, while Cartman is decked out in all sorts of jewelry. Cartman: Hey Craig. Goin' on? Token! Bet your mom has some old jewelry she wouldn't notice missing. Bebe! You got those rhinestones in your earrings, I'll have some walking cash! I can probably offer you a- Butters: [loses control of the sign] Whoops! [it lands face up on the snow] Cartman: [quickly analyzing the situation] Butters, what the fuck?! Butters: [winces, then massages his right arm] Sorry. My arms hurt. Cartman: "My arms hurt." Pick the fucking sign up, Butters! This is a business! [Butters picks the sign up and resumes twirling] Leroy: Hey! How much will you give me for this? [shows him a ring with a huge rock on it] Cartman: Oh ahhhh, three bucks. Leroy: Okay. [gives the ring to Cartman, who transfers it to his left hand. Cartman reaches into his back pocket and give Leroy the three dollars. Leroy turns and walks away] Cartman: We got crappy jewelry Butters. Now all we need are some old people. Scene Description: Jewelry Bonanza. Dean: And that's it, we just sold this bracelet to Ms. Marcia Tubbs. Marcia, thank you so much for your call. You just got yourself a heck of a deal on this one. You there Marcia? Marcia: [over the phone] Yes. [a car honks at her] I'm lost. I'm lost walkin' on the freeway. Dean: Alright, you're lost walkin' on the freeway? Enjoy the Tiger's Eye Aquamarine bracelet. Alri- okay, what should we do next? Oh I see one. Here's a good'un. Lemme... [picks out a ring with a large yellow stone in the middle] Lemme... lemme set the stage for you here: you're goin' to that seniors' cocktail party? It's bingo night and you're lookin' for somethin' to wear? How about a 13 carat panzoto-panzanite ring. This is-oh! We got a caller already on this one! Hello sir, you must be a fan of panzoto-panzanite. Stan: Yeah, hi. Um, you should kill yourself? Dean: ...What's that? Stan: I said, you should kill yourself? What you do is sort of, unjustifiable? And you know it's unjustifiable? And you don't care? You're the definition of evil? Kill yourself? Dean: Okay, we're gonna sell this ring for just thirty-seven ninety five. [$3,795.00 onscreen] How's that? [puts the ring onto a woman's right ring finger.] Stan: I just read that the day shopping networks make most of their money is on the day seniors pick up Social Security checks? Kill yourself. Dean: Alright, well you shouldn't say things like that 'cause... some host of a jewelry channel sure might up and do it, and then you'd feel really bad. Stan: No I wouldn't. Dean: Yes you would. Stan: No, because I really want you to kill yourself. Dean: Alright, well how about this?! If a jewelry network host goes home tonight and blows the brains out, you might be liable. That's a lawsuit worth ...2.7 million dollars? How's that sound? Stan: I don't care what happens to me, I care about my grandfather, you morally empty corrupted maggot! Dean: [long silence as the jewelry carousel goes around] Alright, I tell you what: I'll bring the lawsuit down to twenty-nine thirty-nine- [the $6,000,000 is erased and replaced by $2,939.00] Stan: Nono, uh it doesn't matter what price you put on anything! Your only chance to right the wrongs you've done, and repay all the elderly people whose lives you've destroyed, is to kill yourself. Dean: [another long silence, then he clears his throat] Well, you think it's funny, but that's, that's callin' up and tellin' someone to kill themselves; that's not a joke. Stan: I'm not joking. [pause] Do it. Scene Description: Eric Jewelry Cavalcade, with Eric. Now on the Old People's Shopping Network, founded by Eric Cartman. He's in his basement, behind a table with his own props and jewelry Cartman: Okay, next item? Next item we're gonna do is uh, 5 5 2 1 6 uh 7, 7 5, 5 [actually 55-26177] This is-oh my God, look at this you guys. [shows off the ring Leroy sold him earlier] This is 200 carat Brazilian emerald and plasticine ring. I'm gonna start bidding for this ring at, um, let's see, eight billion dollars. Eight billion dollars, opening bid. We've gotta sell this ring today. Tell you what, I'm gonna take it down a little. We're gonna drop that price down to... $75.95. At this price it's not gonna last for lo-oh, we got a caller already, Butters? Butters? Look like- Did we sell it? Yep, seventy-five ninety-five, that's what the ring just sold for. Do we have the buyer on the line? Hello? Caller: Hello? Cartman: YES, you just bought this lovely 200-carat ring. How do you feel, Mrs...? Mrs. Appleby: This is Mrs. Appleby on 24 Palmark Lane? Cartman: Can I ask you something, Mrs. Appleby? Do you like fucking little boys? Mrs. Appleby: [long pause] I'm sorry? Cartman: Just wondering if you fuck kids all the time, 'cause that's what you just did with this deal. You just got an $8,000,000,000 ring for seventy-five ninety-five. You fucked me good, Mrs. Appleby. Congratulations, ma'am. Mrs. Appleby: Thank you. Cartman: Were you just flippin' through the channels and saw me selling this ring and thought "Hm, I'd like to fuck that kid!" Mrs. Appleby: ...I thought it'd be a lovely gift for my granddaughter Jessica. She's captain of the debate team at Jefferson High School. see- Cartman: Oh-kay, thanks for shopping with us. I gotta get the taste of old lady dick out of my mouth. Mrs. Appleby: Goodbye. Cartman: Bye! Man that's good acting. I should get an award. Scene Description: A smelting plant. Shown is the Oscar for Best Actor: Sean Penn in Milk. The camera pulls back to reveal a pile of gold jewelry on which the Oscar sits. A shovel comes in and scoops it up with some other jewelry. The worker holding the shovel moves it to a vat of molten gold and dumps the jewelry into the vat. Escaping air makes a fart sound as the jewelry sinks into liquid gold, and then some bubbles popping follow Stan: Do you have any idea what it would feel like to start losing your memories?! No! Because you don't have someone in your life suffering from Alzheimer's! Well I do! Manager: Look, kid, if you've got a beef with the system, you're talkin' to the wrong people. All we do is smelter down what we get from the cash for gold places. Stan: Yeah?! Well there's an old Hindu saying: "Whoever smelt it, dealt it!" Kyle: Yeah! Kenny: (Fuck yeah!) Manager: We aren't the ones who denied you what your jewelry was really worth. The Hindu saying is actually "Mayii nahii chahatapahnii" Kyle: What does that mean? Manager: "Whoever denied it, [lowers his voice] supplied it." [the boys are stunned] Scene Description: The neighborhood park, day. Stan is now on a crusade to stop this madness, but he hasn't found the right target. Kyle has his arms crossed Stan: YOU are the scums of the earth! Old people are victimized by shopping networks and YOU kick back in your fat-cat mansions, making billions! Butters: [looks around at his fellow sign twirlers] We aren't makin' that much, fellas. Stan: You're not? Twirler 1: Who don't you yell at the people who melt the gold down? The old Hindu saying is "Whever smelt it dealt it" [other twirlers agree with him: "Yeah!" "That's right!"] Kyle: [leans forward] Nuh uh! It's "Whoever denied it, supplied it!" Twirler 2: You got it all wrong. The jewelry that those shopping networks sell don't even come from us! It's all made in India, where those Hindu rhymes come from! Twirler 3: What are you saying, Gustav? My God, do you mean? Twirler 4: That's right. Whoever made the rhyme did the crime. Scene Description: Gems Wholesale, day. Cartman walks by with a briefcase Cartman: Suck my balls, suck my balls... [enters the store] Hello! Clerk 4: [An Asian woman] Ohhhh welcoooome! Welcome to discount jewelry stohhhhh! [her two assistants join her as Cartman takes a seat at the counter] Cartman: [shoves his briefcase to one side] Yeah, listen, I'm running a resale business, but I can't get enough of people's unwanted crappy jewelry to keep up, so I'd like to buy some of yours. Clerk 4: [claps way too quickly] Ohhhhh you so good foh biiiziness! [points to her brain] You so clehhvahh. Cartman: I get by. Let's see, I'm gonna need some gold necklaces, diamond bracelets, and emerald earrings. Clerk 4: Okay, what emero do you rike? Cartman: Oh, I don't know, I guess I'll take that ring there. Clerk 4: Ohhhh you make so good chooice! Oh it's beauuutiful! [shows her aides] Look it's beauuutiful! [they too clap way too quickly] Cartman: And uh, maybe I'll that one for three hundred. Clerk 4: Oh, that's best one! You so clevohh! [claps quickly a few times] You take advantage o'my low pricess! [claps a few times] Cartman: How about that panzanite bracelet for nine ninety five. Clerk 4: You got good eye, [points to her brain] You so clehhvahh. I getting taken advantaaage! You rike to fuck an Asian lady? Cartman: [long pause] What d'ja say? Clerk 4: I know, you walk by my stoh and you say "Oh, there's a nice Asian lady. I think I go in and I fuck hurh," you Asian-lady fucker you! Cartman: Wait a minute. How much do you pay for this stuff? Clerk 4: Oh, I pay thousands! And you come heuh an' fuck me! Cartman: Okay, quit the act! I'm not fucking you and you know it! Clerk 4: Nono, you fucked me! Cartman: Nono, you fucked me! Fuck you! Scene Description: India Manufacturing, Inc., a rainy day somewhere in India. A taxi pulls up to the plant, with Cartman and Butters inside. Cartman: My balls, my balls, suck 'em dry...[Butters opens his door and hops out, then opens Cartman's door. Cartman looks around and clears his throat to get Butters' attention.] Butters: Oh sorry, sorry. [looks back at his seat and pulls out the sign. then points it at Cartman. Cartman then hops out and proceeds to the plant, with Butters following] Scene Description: Inside the plant. All the workers here are children working in cubicles, assembling new jewelry. A supervisor walks by collecting newly finished jewelry in a metal box. The receptionist shows Cartman and Butters in while one boy is sealing packages in another room Cartman: [to the receptionist] You see, I'm looking to cut out the middle man. I want to buy my jewelry direct from you so that- [a disturbing sight stops him in his tracks] Motherfucker! Stan: [railing at an older Indian boy] You should be ashamed of the people in America that you are exploiting! How dare you take advantage of those less fortunate?! [Kenny and Kyle are with him] Cartman: [approaches the other boys] You dirty double-crossing assholes! You're trying to cut me out, huh?! You guys stole my formula, then tried to fuck me- Butters! Butters: Sorry! [catches up to him] Cartman: -and then tried to fuck me out of your business! Kyle: We're not fucking you, they're fucking Stan's grandpa! Cartman: No, they're getting fucked by Asian ladies! Stan: Somebody is at the head of all this, and somebody needs to pay! All I want is some Goddamned retribution for my Goddamned grandpa! [the boy reaches for a necklace and offers it to Stan] No! Not a diamond-and-gold necklace! [the boy thinks about what to do with the necklace, then reaches for a small plastic pouch and puts it in. The boy motions to another boy] Kyle: What's he doing? Scene Description: Montage. The boy tosses the necklace into a box being carried by another supervisor, then motions to someone else as the supervisor carries the box away. Outside, several workers load up a truck. The supervisor gives his box to one of the loaders. A planeload of jewelry leaves India and arrives at Atlanta. The box is then shipped by QDC to J&G headquarters. A J&G worker carries a gold ruby necklace to Dean at his Jewelry Bonanza set. He then puts the necklace on camera and sells it to an elderly woman who still lives at home. A FedExX truck arrives at her house and the driver delivers it to her personally. He tips his hat to her as he leaves. She opens the package right then and there, at her front door, and pulls out the necklace. She gives it to her daughter, who is quite happy to get it. The daughter goes to a Cash For Gold store and sells it to the clerk. He puts it into a box containing other jewelry, puts in more jewelry to fill the box up, then delivers it to an Industrial Smelting and Refining plant. He sells it to one of the workers there. The worker brings it into a room and splits the jewelry among his associates. They sort the gems by type as they dismantle the jewelry. The gold is sent to be melted down and made into gold bars. The gold and jewels are sent separately back to India, where an IPS truck goes to India Manufacturing to deliver the raw materials. The workers deliver the materials to the supervisors, who take them inside and distribute them among the child workers. The child workers assemble the raw materials into new jewelry, and the cycle starts again. Back in Atlanta, more packages are delivered to J&G headquarters by E-Z Delivery. A J&G worker delivers a gold amethyst necklace to Dean, who sells it to an elderly couple. An ADL truck arrives and the driver delivers it to the couple. The husband receives it and opens it. The driver tips his hat and leaves. The couple then offer the necklace to their daughter, who's overjoyed to get it. She and her husband take the necklace to a different cash for gold store and sell it to the clerk there. The necklace is dismantled into its various parts and the gold melted down again. IPS delivers the raw materials back to India Manufacturing. A supervisor dumps some gems onto the desk of a different child worker, who is working on a picture frame. He finishes the frame and walks up to the older boy. The older boy takes the picture frame to Stan and gives it to him. Stan: Oh, yeah. Actually, this might kind of work. Scene Description: The park surrounding Looming Sunset, day. Stan is visiting Marvin, who's well enough to sit on the bench with him with the use of a cane Stan: So the we went to India, which is pretty cool I guess. I've never been there before. And we basically learned that whoever smelt it, denied it, and rhymed it actually dealt it. Marvin: Ahh, sounds like you had a fun weekend. Stan: Yeah, I guess so. Anyway Grandpa, I wanted to give you something. [hands him the gift] Marvin: Oh, for me? [takes the gift and unwraps it] Oh! My God. There she is. [a picture of Grandpa in younger days with his dog] Old Patches. There's that slobberin' happy face! Thank you Billy. That means a lot. [they smile at each other for a moment] Billy, that... that bolo tie you're wearing? Stan: Yeah. Marvin: I don't know where you got that, but it's fucking gay as fuck. Stan: Cool. I, I won't wear it anymore. Marvin: That's a good idea. [looks back at the picture and smiles. Stan looks down and away] Scene Description: Jewelry Bonanza with Dean. Onscreen is a pair of earrings selling for $2800.00 Dean: Folks, these are not your ordinary peridot craponite earrings, these are 18-karat gold! and we got-oh, do we have a buyer on the line? Hello? Caller 1: [long pause] What are you waiting for? Kill yourself. Dean: Alright Goddamnit, we got another comedian. Ever since that little kid called up, now everybody wants to call and tell me I should kill myself. Caller 1: He was right. Do it. Dean: Folks, this is an 800 number. Every time you call and tell me to kill myself, it's costing us... two dollars and thirty six cents! So now, how about a caller who wants to buy jewelry ? Yes. Hello, sir? Caller 2: You're too scared to do it, aren't-cha? You don't have the balls. Dean: Goddamnit I'm not scared to do it. Caller 2: New, you're scared. You got, you got lady balls. [hangs up. The dial tone is heard and Dean moves on to the next call] Caller 3: Hello? I'm calling about the peridot earrings? Dean: Yes ma'am! Caller 3: They'd look good on your dead body. Why don't you kill yourself? Dean: Alright, that's that! That there's the- the straw that broke the camel's back! I got a gun right here; whattaya think about that?! Caller 3: Put it against your temple and pull the trigger. [long pause. The gun is cocked and then goes off. A thump is heard and blood lands all over the set. The soothing music plays on]

Scene Description: CNN Conference Room. Rick Santorum, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul are standing behind their benches, debating. A loud applause is heard. Mitt: I know the people are going to say, oh you should only practice it this way or that way. Rick: I believe in capitalism too. I believe in capitalism for everybody. New: What he said, which I find mildly amazing, was that he thought I would have a hard time debating Barack Obama. Ron: We faced something much much greater after World War II. [the camera pans to Stan, who is in the audience] We had ten million coming home at once. What did we do then? Some liberals said we need more work programs- Stan: Tango, Tango, I'm in position. Kyle: [offscreen] Copy, tango. Clear vantage point? Stan: It will have to do. We're not getting closer. Kyle: Alright, Butters. Bring it in. Butters: [going through a hallway with a trolley] Equipment is flying in, ten seconds. Kyle: Copy that. 10 seconds, Cartman. Cartman: [in a wooden dark place with two wires on the ground] I can hear Kyle, just tell me when to go. Scene Description: The conference room is shown again. The audience applauds as Stan looks around. The Secret Service agents are shown. Agent 1: We might have a problem. Agent 2: What's that? Agent 1: We just got word somebody might try to Faith Hill this event. Agent 2: Lock down the whole perimeter. Nobody is Faith Hilling, not on my watch! [raises his fists and walks away. The stage is shown through Stan's angle. Three other agents step on the stage.] Stan: I think they're onto us guys. Let's do this. [Butters takes a plate from the trolley, which has an iPhone on it, and walks to the left. Meanwhile Kenny comes from the opposite direction, taking the iPhone and passing it to Stan.] I got it. Agent 3: Hey, somebody is under the stage. Kyle: Go Cartman! [Cartman runs up and comes on the stage. He cheerfully pulls his shirt out near the nipple area. Stan takes a picture. Four agents come up to chase Cartman.] Scene Description: Outside the conference room. Butters, Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman run out. Butter: We got it. We got it! Stan: Go, go, go. Cartman: Hehe hehe, that was sweet you guys. [The agents run after them.] Scene Description: The news Reporter: First, there was planking. [various images of people planking come up] People taking pictures of themselves in a planked position and putting the photos on the Internet. Planking was soon replaced by owling. [a picture of a boy with his knees drawn to his chest] And after the Super Bowl by Bradying. [New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady as well as an overweight man, both sitting on the ground with their legs straight out, hands clasped and looking down] But the newest meme involves pulling the shirt out to look like boobs. [Cartman pulling out his shirt at the debate is shown, this time fullscreen] It's called Faith Hilling. And all around the world people are doing it. [A black boy pulling his red shirt, then a ginger boy with a cap doing the exact same thing with his grey-and-white sweatshirt] Kids, adults, and even notable celebrities are getting into the act. [L.A. Lakers player Kobe Bryant is shown pulling on his jersey. The news studio comes to view again.] But as Faith Hilling is more and more popular, the question on everyone's mind, who will be the first to die doing it? Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The boys, along with the rest of the forth graders, are in a wooden room, being lectured by Professor Lamont. Lamont: I have been sent here because you children are playing with fire! [the children are listening to him, Cartman has a bored look] Faith Hilling is nothing more than an evolution of Bradying. From football quarterback to football singer. Cartman: Oh, please. Bradying is so 2000 and late. Lamont: [lowers the projector screen] I know you all think what you're doing is new and hip and cool. But the truth is memeing has been around a long time. We're gonna watch a film strip now, that's a little dated but I think it gets the point across. [turns the projector on to start the film] Scene Description: Warbly muzak is heard, as the film, 'BLOODY SUNDAY: The Dangers of MEMEING', begins. A man with an old style hair is sitting in a classroom with a outdated TV and a poster for the computer club which has a picture of an old computer. Speaker: For many young people today taking pictures in silly poses becomes a dangerous past time. The latest meme has also become the most deadly. It's called Tebowing [The caption TEBOWING appears in the middle of the screen]. Scene Description: Residential area. Two boys are walking towards a grassy area leading to the railroad tracks. One of the boys has an iPhone in his hands. Speaker: [offscreen] This is Ryan and Barkley. They're about to learn how dangerous Tebowing can be. Ryan: Here is a good place. I'll do it right here. Barkley: I don't know, Ryan. You sure this is a good idea? [Ryan walks onto a railway] Ryan: Stop being a scaredy-cat. It will just take a second. How could I get hurt? [kneels down and puts his right elbow on his right knee, closing his eyes as well as pinching his nose bridge] Barkley: Okay, hold still. [puts up his iPhone. A train horn is heard.] What's that? Ryan: A traaain! AAAAAA! [Barkley and Ryan continue to scream and look around while staying in the same position. The train is still off in the distance.] Barkley: RYAN! Ryan: No, no! Nooo! Barkley: AAAA!!! Ryan: AAAA!!!No, no, no, no, noooo! Barkley: AAAA!!![The train finally comes at full force and hits Ryan, severing him in half and covering Barkley in blood.] Scene Description: South Park Elementary. Butters covers his face after seeing what just happened while the rest of the class is unfazed. Butters: AAAA!!! Scene Description: Residential area. Barkley, covered in blood, stands at the railroad tracks and looks down in horror at Ryan's severed body Barkley: RYAN! Ryan: Learn from me.[dies] Scene Description: Secluded area, nighttime. A young couple is sitting in a parked car. Woman 1: This sure is a nice car, Tommy. [raises her iPhone] Would you like to get a picture of me Tebowing in it? Tommy: Sure. [gets the iPhone to take her picture. As the woman poses, the train's headlight appears in the distance and its horn is heard.] What is that? Woman 1: Oh my God! It's coming! Tommy: God, no! [he exits the car while she continues Tebowing inside, revealing that they parked on the railroad track] Aahh! No, no! Woman 1: [scared] Tommy, d-did you get the picture? Tommy: Oh no, wait! Hold on! [hurriedly presses on the iPhone, then gets ready to take the picture] Woman 1: Hurry, hurry! Tommy: AAAAA! [attempts to take the picture as the train comes closer] Woman 1: AAAAA! [The train finally comes at full force and crushes the car as Tommy runs off. Her bloody, severed head then lands onto a dirt field next to the track and her mouth opens, letting out an audible scream] Aaah! Scene Description: South Park Elementary. Butters screams out in horror again while the rest of the class is still unfazed. Butters: AAAA!!! Scene Description: A man wearing a yellow and red-stripped jacket and round sunglasses is looking upward and talking to his friend while holding an iPhone. Man 1: Be careful up there, Pete. Pete: [Tebowing on top of a wall with graffiti in a residential area] Just go on and take the picture. [the wall is suddenly destroyed by a train, killing Pete and knocking his friend down, before he quickly gets up and looks on in horror.] Scene Description: South Park Elementary. Butters screams out and covers his face again. Cartman now looks bored, while the rest of the class is still unfazed. Butters: AAAA!!! Scene Description: The speaker in the old-fashioned classroom is shown. Speaker: These youths paid with their lives for Tebowing. When they posed for pictures they should have remembered there are only three approved memes: peace signs [puts his index and middle fingers up], bunny ears [raises his arm while keeping the previous gesture] and fake wiener [turns his body sideways, bends his left arm and leg] Maybe you think this doesn't apply to you. Maybe you think your memes are safe. Or maybe you're watching this in the future and Tebowing has been replaced by some other meme. Well, if you are watching his in the future, [a blue screen comes to view while the following words of the speaker gets typed] get off your flying cellphone scooters and THINK. Just remember- Scene Description: A photo of three teenagers from the 1980s standing outside under a tree is shown while the following lines are sung Singers: Use the approved poses if you want to be a memer. Peace signs! [A male teenager with a sweater and mustache puts his right middle and index fingers up in a V-shape] Bunny ears! [A female teenager smiles while putting her middle and index fingers in a V-shape behind the head of the previous male teenager] Fake wiener! [A male teenager wearing a neon colored windbreaker turns his body sideways and bends his left arm and leg] Scene Description: South Park Elementary. The fourth graders come out, almost all having concerned looks on their faces. Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Cartman and Butters walk together. Cartman: [yawns] Oh, God. That was boring. Kenny: (Totally!) Kyle: So, what do you want to do now? Cartman: Well, there is the nice French café downtown. Maybe we should get some Faith Hilling pictures there. Stan: Oh, that's a good idea. Butters: What?! You mean you guys still plan on Faith Hilling after what we just saw? Cartman: Butters, Faith Hilling defines our generation. Butters: Well, count me out. Kyle: You're gonna give up on Faith Hilling just like that, Butters? How could you? Butters: Well, I'm scared. [Craig shows up] Craig: Hey, did you see today's newspaper? Cartman: Why would we look at a newspaper, retard? Craig: You guys made the front page. Cartman: Really? [the boys excitedly run, except for Butters] Scene Description: The boys run in a liquor store. Stan: Dude, we are on the front page! Cartman: Yes! Kenny: (Yeah, dude!) Stan: Can we get a different pose, please? [hands the clerk two dollars and gets the paper] Cartman: What's it say, what's it say? Stan: It says... Oh, oh no. It says Faith Hilling is now all like 2000-late. Cartman: What? Let me see that. [the newspaper has Cartman's pictured and a headline 'Faith Hilling so 2,000 late'] Kyle: How can that be? Already? Stan: [reads the newspaper] Public reaction was the stunt pulled off by five elementary school students was not only dangerous and disruptive but also completely passé. Kyle: How can we be passé? We're only in 4th grade. Stan: [continues reading] "Faith Hilling is pretty stale," said Republican candidate Newt Gingrich. "If they had crashed the debate by Taylor Swifting that would have been impressive." Cartman: Taylor Swifting? What the fuck is that? Scene Description: Cartman's computer screen. Various people sitting on their bare butts with their hands down between their legs are shown. Cartman is in front of the computer, with Stan and Kyle on his both sides and Kenny behind him. Stan: That's all it is? [Kenny moves to the left-hand side] Cartman: You pull down your pants and wipe your butt on the ground like an old dog. [shows three other guys' pictures] Kyle: But that's stupid. [Kenny moves to the right-hand side] How can that replace Faith Hilling? It doesn't even make any sense. Cartman: I can't believe people take the time to do this garbage. [shows a couple of more pictures] This has to be stopped, you guys. Scene Description: Outside Café Monet, day. A boy is Taylor Swifting in front of the café. Two girls and a boy watch him as the boy pictures him with his iPhone. Boy 1: [giggles] Okay. Hold it there. Okay. That's good, don't move. [the iPhone screen is shown as Cartman photobombs while Faith Hilling.] Cartman: How is this Kyle? This good? [the boy moves away a bit. The other kids are stunned. The boys stand next to them, Kyle having an iPhone in his hands] Kyle: Yep, that's great. [glances at the other kids] Cartman: [continues moving as the other boy tries to get past him] Cool, these will be good uploads. Boy 2: Hey, what are you doing? Cartman: Faith Hilling. Why don't you get the fuck out of here? Boy 1: Oh God. Faith Hilling is so February 2012. Stan: Saying something is so 2000 and anything is so 2009, you stupid ass wipe. Boy 2: [starts to crawl away] Come on guys. It's not worth it. We can do our Taylor Swifting somewhere else. [Cartman continues to cover his view] [to Cartman] Knock it off! Cartman: Why don't you make me? [the boy punches him, Cartman responds by hitting him on the ground. Stan and Kyle begin to punch Boy 1 while Kenny attacks the girls.] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The boys are in the wooden classroom again. Professor Lamont brings in a box, then pulls a gun out of it. He loads it with a bullet while the fourth graders bewilderingly watch him. Lamont: Yesterday afternoon four kids went to the hospital for injuries resulting from memeing in front of a local cafe. [the boys glance at each other] Faith Hilling, Taylor Swifting. These are things that will get you killed! [puts the gun on Butters' desk] That's a loaded .38. How many of you think it's a smart idea to put a loaded .38 on a 9-year-old's desk? Well, if safety doesn't matter to you go ahead, pick the gun up. Butters: Oh, that's okay. I think... Lamont: Pick the gun up! You might as well. Swifting and Hilling is like playing with a loaded gun! Do you all understand my point? Kids: Yes, sir. Lamont: Good. Now put the gun in your mouth. Butters: HA?! Lamont: Hey! You're following plankers and Tebowers, so put a loaded gun in your mouth! DO IT! [Butters hesitantly puts the gun in his mouth] Everybody take a good look. [points to Butters] This is what you're doing every time you play with Internet memes. YOU ARE PLAYING ROULETTE WITH YOUR FUCKING LIVE! [A hawk is heard offscreen. Two men enter the classroom.] Man 2: Professor Lamont, we need to talk. Lamont: I will be right back. [leaves the classroom] Scene Description: The gym. The two men are seated at a table, pulling out files out of their briefcases. Man 2: You're an expert on memes, Professor Lamont. Lamont: Yes, what is this about? [puts his bag on the table] Man 3: We need your expertise, sir. Man 2: Have you ever heard of another species, memeing on the Internet? Lamont: Another species? What are you talking about? Man 3: We were hoping perhaps you could help us understand... [types on his laptop] this. [turns around the laptop. Professor Lamont puts on his reading glasses to look at the screen, which shows various cats with breads around their heads.] Cats have started to put pictures of themselves on the Internet, with bread around their heads. Cat breading, it's called. It's just such an odd thing to do, we thought would you explain it to us. Lamont: They're evolving. Cats are evolving. [moves the cursor down to see more pictures] Man 3: Sorry? Lamont: There are two ways a species evolves. Physically from genes and culturally from memes. Just like genes, memes replicate, mutate and adapt. Man 2: We're having a hard time following you here. Lamont: [opens a book] Look. In the 70s there was fonzing. [the book page has two people's pictures with their thumbs up] Which replaced the outdated mustaching. [a guy with his index finger above his lips] In the 60s cultural ideas were passed on by everybody poodle-fisting. [people raising their fists up to the sky] But even that evolved from people ass wedging in the 40s. [the Nazis doing their trademark salute] Even before photographs humans memed for portraits. All the way back to the Egyptians who had pictures painted of themselves donkey ticking. [an Ancient Egypt painting] Man 2: You are saying cats are showing signs of evolution with their cat breading meme? Lamont: [walks to the front] If they're putting slices of bread on their heads and taking pictures, [takes his glasses off] they're proving to be almost as intelligent as we are. [dramatic music plays] Scene Description: The wooden classroom. The only person left there is Butters, who still has the gun in his mouth. He looks around for a moment, then looks down to the gun again. Scene Description: The Cartman house, day. Mr. Kitty is sleeping over her cat tree. The boys come in, Cartman has a laptop in his hands, which shows a picture of Mr. Kitty cat breading. Cartman: Mr. Kitty, do you mind explaining this? [Mr. Kitty looks at him] You wanna tell me why you're putting pictures of yourself on the Internet with bread around your face? This is a bad kitty. Bad! You're taking the idea of Faith Hilling and making it stupid. Bad kitty. [closes his laptop and approaches Mr. Kitty] Bad Mr. Kitty. [Cartman hits Mr. Kitty with a stick. Mr. Kitty hisses, then paws at him.] Bad kitty! No more memeing! [walks away] Come on, guys. [the boys walk out of the room. Cartman turns his back to scold his cat again] Bad Mr. Kitty! Scene Description: The boys come out of Cartman's house. Stan: Well, I'm glad we took care of that. Kyle: Yeah, what do you guys wanna do now? Cartman: I was thinking of maybe Faith Hilling at the place they do AA meeting. Stan: That's a cool idea Kenny: [sighs] (Oh, fuck it, dude.) [walks away] Kyle: W-what's the matter, Kenny? Kenny: (I don't know. That seems quite pointless.) Stan: What seems pointless? Kenny: (Hey, just accept Faith Hilling is out of style!) Kyle: Hey! [the boys approach Kenny] Faith Hilling is not out of style, alright? Kenny: (Well,... ...and I can't take any of that!) Stan: No, no, no! These stupid fads are only that, okay? We can't give in to this crap. Cartman: Don't give up on Faith Hilling, Kenny. Don't you give up on her. Scene Description: Breaking News. Reporter: Two Boulder children died today while Oh Long Johnsoning in a battling cage. Oh Long Johnsonning is of course the latest Internet meme which involves putting oneself in a risky situation and then seeing how many times you can say "Oh Long Johnson" on video before getting out of the way. Scene Description: A camera recording, showing a batting cage. A teenager comes in Boy 3: You ready, you ready? Boy 4: [offscreen] I'm recording, go. Boy 3: [the machine throws balls. The boy stands in front of them] Oh Long Johnson. Oh Long Johnson. O-Oh Long- [gets hit by a ball] Boy 4: Larry! Reporter: This latest Internet meme is shocking. But most shocking of all is the person who started the meme isn't a person at all, but a cat who seems to have no regard for people's safety. Scene Description: A video of a black cat moaning. Cat: Oh Long Johnson. Oh Long Johnson. Oh Long Johnson. Reporter: The cat is now under arrest and awaiting trial for its part in the teenager's death. Scene Description: Café Monet, day. Stan crawls in, Taylor Swifting. Stan: Oh Long Johnson. Oh Long Johnson. Boy 1: [his fellows are standing besides him. He has an iPhone in his hands] Yeah, that's good. Now go back the other way. Stan: [continues to crawl around] Oh Long Johnson, Oh Long- [he is confronted by Stan, Kyle and Kenny] Cartman: Dude, what's going on? Stan: Oh, hey, guys. How's it going? [hurriedly puts his pants on] Kyle: We thought you were meeting us at Cartman's. What are you doing here, Taylor Swifting? Boy 1: He's not Taylor Swifting, that's old stuff. Stan: Yeah, now you're doing to see how many times you can say Oh Long Johnson. I thought just, you know, try it out. Cartman: Guys, remember when we heard about that pollack with one testicle in the revolutionary war? What was his name? Kyle: Benedict Arnold. [the three boys walk away] Stan: Oh, come on. You guys need to realize that Faith Hilling is over, okay? [the boys stop] You can pretend all you want, but it's not coming back. [Kenny looks down] Kyle: Kenny? Kenny: [approaches Stan and the other boys] (I'm sorry guys. Faith Hilling is just a stupid fad, right?) Boy 1: If you guys wanna keep Faith Hilling, I'm sure people are still doing it at the old folks home. [he and his friends walk away] Stan: You will like this, Kenny. Pull down your pants. [Kenny pulls down his pants and starts crawling on his butt.] Kyle: You guys are sellouts. Cartman: [holds him] Come on, Kyle. Kyl: You're freaking sellouts! Cartman: It's okay, man, come on. Scene Description: An interrogation room. The two men from the gym stand behind Professor Lamont. Lamont: What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you have any idea when you play with memes you're playing with fire? [the black cat is kept in a cage] Cat: Oh Long Johnson. Lamont: Oh, very funny. People are dying out there. Is that what you want? Cat: Oh Long Jeeea- Lamont: You cats want a war? Because that's what you're going to get! Cat: Oh oh oh. Scene Description: A news reporter speaking. Reporter 2: Long ago there was tebowing, which evolved into Faith Hilling. But the latest memeing craze, Swift-Johnsoning, may now also have its rival. [walks to a railway] A brand new meme, where people video themselves wearing trench coats and talking about the dangers of memeing. They call it "reporting". And safety officials say that it's dangerous and potentially fatal. [train horn] Oh! Oh Long Johnson. Oh Long Johnson. [gets hit by the train] Scene Description: The wooden classroom, night. Butters is still sitting there with gun in his mouth, but now he's quite drowsy and barely keeps himself awake. Scene Description: Cartman is Faith Hilling in front of a Planned Parenthood Clinic. Kyle: [has an iPhone in his hands] Yeah, yeah, that's cool. Bring the left titty out some more. [Cartman raises his left hand a bit] Yeah, yeah freeze there. [a man comes into view with his little son] Little Boy: What are those boys doing, daddy? Dad: Oh, I think they're Faith Hilling, Bobby. It's a little before your time. Little Boy: How droll. [The man and boy leave the scene. Cartman and Kyle look down for a moment] Cartman: Get a couple facing the other way, brah. [turns the other way] Kyle: Yeah, good idea. [a doctor comes out of the clinic] Doctor: Hey, you kids Faith Hilling in front of my clinic? 'Cause I got a couple of patients in here that could use a good time machine. [giggles] Get it? [goes back to his clinic. A man with a car sounds his horn] Man 4: Go back to the 90s! Faggooots! Kyle: [approaches Cartman] We have to face it, Cartman. Cartman: I know. I know Kyle. [stops lifting his "nipples" up] Kyle: I really thought it was gonna last. Cartman: I guess the only thing that doesn't change in life... is that things change. [starts crying] The sun hurts my eyes. [wipes away his tears] Kyle: It wasn't like Faith Hilling was that great. I mean- Cartman: No, no. It was kind of stupid, really. Kyle: I-It's good that it became something else. Cartman: And we'll have a blast doing the new stuff. [both of them sigh] Scene Description: Breaking News. Reporter: Household cats have evolved into a species as intelligent as humans. Will this mean war between our two life forms? In an attempt to try and communicate with the leader of cats, experts have sent in the ambassador of people. Scene Description: The interrogation room. Ambassador: Hello. Cat: Oh Long Johnson. Ambassador: Meow, meow. Cat: Oh Long Johnson. Ambassador: Long Johnson. Cat: Oh Long Johnson. Ambassador: Oh Long Johnson. Cat: Oh- Oh Don Piano. Ambassador: Oh Don Piano. Cat: Oh Long Johnson. Ambassador: Oh Don Piaaano. Cat: Oh Long Jon-Jon-Johnson. Ambassador: Oh Lala Lionde. Oh Long John- Don Piano. Don Piaaaano. Scene Description: The ambassador comes out of the room. The two men and Professor Lamont is waiting him outside. Cat: Oh Long Johnson. [the ambassador closes the door] Ambassador: I'm not sure but I think it said war between our species is inevitable, that evolution cannot be stopped and cats will rise. It said we cannot coexist and then said oh don piaaano and then and then something about seeing the streets of human cities running red with the blood of their children. Scene Description: An iPhone screen, camera app on. Cartman pulls up Mr. Kitty, who now has a bread around his head. Stan: [has the iPhone in his hands, while Kyle and Kenny stand next to him] Okay, that's good, a little higher. Cartman: [he is doing a combination of Taylor Swifting and Cat Breading] Okay, cool. I'm gonna go left to right, is that good? Kyle: Yeah, that's awesome. Stan: OK, whenever you're ready. Mr. Kitty: Meow. Cartman: No, kitty, you have to be quiet. Mr. Kitty: Meow. Cartman: No kitty! That's a bad kitty! [Boy 1 and his friends come over] Boy 1: Wow, what's this? Kyle: What, you been living under a rock? This is the new meme, Cat Taylor Swift Reporting. Stan: Alright, go Cartman. Cartman: [begins to crawl while holding Mr. Kitty] Taylor Swift is dangerous. Taylor Swift is dangerous! Girl 1: That's pretty cool. Stan: Yeah, that's cool. It's awesome. Kyle: It's super awesome. Cartman: Yeah, yeah, we got it down, you guys. Think we're ready for the big time. Mr. Kitty: Meow, meow. Cartman: SHUT UP, KITTY! Scene Description: The conference room. A reporter is giving his speech. Reporter 3: With the inevitable species war looming, our country's brightest leaders have come together to debate and reason with the ambassador of cats. It's called putty-whistling. And the question on everyone's mind... Who will be the first person to die from it? [Rick, Mitt, Newt and the cat are standing behind their lecterns.] Mitt: W-well, you know, I ran for president four years ago. This was the position I described when I ran four years ago... Rick: If you wanna be an American the first thing you should do is respect- Newt: To ask a very simple question. How big of a scale of change do we want in Washington. Cat: Oh Long Johnson. Newt: I started working in the governor wing in 1974. Cat: [Rick and Newt talk] Oh Long Johnson. Oh Long Johnson. Oh Long Piaano. Newt: I'm gonna say two things... Cat: Oh Long Johnson. Mitt: I have five sons, five daughters in law, sixteen grand kids, and they're the joy of my life. Cat: Oh Lalalonde. Newt: I was wrong when I figured it out. You were wrong when you didn't. Cat: Oh Long Johnson. Rick: It's, It's not the most attractive thing to go out there and say, look it took me ten or twelve years to figure out it was wrong- Stan: [the debate goes on. The camera pans to Stan, again in the audience] Fox trot standing by at position alpha. Kyle: Copy, Fox trot, let's fly in the goods Tango. Scene Description: Kenny is in the bathroom. He pulls out Mr. Kitty from the toilet tank. Kenny: (This is Tango. I have the goods.) Stan: Standing by in three seconds. Scene Description: Cartman is waiting behind a purple curtain. Kyle: Two, one. Go Cartman! Cartman: Let's do this. [he runs to the hallway, where Kenny hands him Mr. Kitty. He goes to the stage with Mr. Kitty, and pulls down his pants as Stan is ready to record him. He then stops, thinking.] Kyle: Cartman? Go, Cartman. Stan: Come on, dude. Hurry. Cartman: [softly] No. NOO! [puts his pants back on] I won't do it. I won't do it, you hear me! I'm better than this. [puts down Mr. Kitty] And to hell with you, Mr. Kitty. You're a bad kitty! Bad, bad kitty! It's time somebody stood up, and did the right thing. [he turns sideways and snaps his fingers a few times, then pulls up his shirt, Faith Hilling.] Kyle: [observing him though a computer] Yeah. Do it, Cartman. Cartman: [music begins to play] Alright, football night, what do you do? Get out your camera and a boobie or two. Stan: Wow! Cartman: We gotta get serious while we're in our prime. Man 5: Have you ever seen Faith Hilling so good? Cartman: Come on everybody, It's Faith Hilling time. [the audience and Rick, Mitt and Newt join him] Dancin', rappin', titties flappin' where are you? This is the only memeing I'll ever do. Cat: Oh Long Johnson. Cartman: Is a meme I will fight [Stan is joined by Kyle and Kenny in the audience. Butters is in the wooden classroom dancing to the song, yet still has the gun in his mouth] 'Cause I'm Faith Hilling 'til the day that I die. Reporter 3: And so in the face of war a little boy reminds us all what being human really means. The message is unclear. But it doesn't matter as long as you give the audience a song, celebrity bashing, and Republican hopefuls dancing around with boobies. It's called pandering and all over the country people are- [train horn] Oh! Oh Long Johns- [gets hit by the train]

Scene Description: The Broflovski house, morning. Kyle, who has just woken up, comes out of his room yawning. He walks to the kitchen and begins to prepare cereal for himself. Sheila: [talking to someone] Yes, yes, this whole coming week is the Jewish holiday of Passover. Yes, it's all about how Moses led the Hebrews out of Egypt. Very good! So on Friday, all Jewish people will celebrate Passover with a seder dinner. [Kyle takes his bowl and heads to the dining table] Because God commanded the Jews to only eat bread that hasn't been given yeast to rise.[he walks past the living room, where Cartman and Sheila are shown talking] Cartman: Wow, that's so cool. And so then Passover lasts seven days? Sheila: Yes, yes, one week from seder dinner on Friday to the next Friday. Cartman: Interesting, and why is it called Passover again? [Kyle stops and starts listening] Sheila: Well, because in ancient Egypt, God passed over the houses marked with the blood of a lamb. [Kyle rushes to the entrance] Cartman: So interesting, wow. [he and Sheila are drinking tea] Kyle: [to Cartman, angrily] Get out of here. Cartman: Oh, hey, Kyle. Kyle: Get. Outta here! [points his finger to the left] Cartman: Well, I better be going. Thanks so much Ms. Broflovski, I learned a ton. Sheila: Well, you're very welcome. Kyle: [walks to him] What are you gonna do? Cartman: Isn't it possible I just want to learn more about the Jewish faith? Kyle: No? Cartman: Alright, Kyle, listen. [comes forward with Kyle, then sighs] Legends tell of a horrific four legged creature from Mexico that sucks the blood of goats, and it might have just spotted in South Park. Kyle: What does that have to do with Passover? Cartman: All I can promise you is that this is going to be the most memorable Passover ever. [Cartman announces the special within the episode] "Cartman's Passover Holiday Special", starring, THE JEWPACABRA! [creepy music plays] Scene Description: A large green park in a sunny day. People are decorating the park for Easter while children are on the line for Kids' Egg Hunt Signup Attendant: Alright, next please. Signing up for the Easter egg hunt? [Stan is in the front of the line] Butters: [at the middle of the line] Hoh da lolly! This is gonna be so much fun! Craig: Yeah, I can't wait for Sunday. Kenny: (Me, too.) Cartman: [anxious] Yeah, yeah, it should be a real blast, heh. I just hope Jewpacabra doesn't show up, that's all. Craig: Jewpa what? Cartman: Jewpaca- look, it's nothing. Forget I said anything. Craig: Okay. [to Token and Kenny] So anyways, are they saying what time the event starts? Cartman: Okay, look: A lot of people claim that on Passover, a blood sucking creature called the Jewpacabra comes out and preys on children. This year passover happens to be the same week as Easter. Butters: You mean it's like, like a monster? Cartman: It's just a legend, alright?! But people all over town have started reported strange things. Knocked over trash cans, weird howls... Token: Nuh-uh! Cartman: [angrily points at him] Yeah-uh, Token! Don't think it won't come after you just because you're black! Clyde: [offscreen] You guys, check this out! [Butters, Kenny, Craig and Token go there to take a look. On the ground lies a dead bird.] Cartman: [keeps the boys away] Alright, alright, stay back. Stay back! It definitely looks like a Jewpacabra attack, but it's hard to tell. Butters: AAAAAAHHH! [scared as hell, flees] Cartman: Alright guys, we're gonna need some video cameras. We gotta go out at night and try to get proof of this thing. Kyle: Alright, alright! Knock it off! Stop spreading lies. Cartman: I'm trying to protect people. And why are you so quick to try and cover up Jewpacabra's existence? Kyle: I looked on the known species webpage. There's no animal called a 'Jewpacabra' mentioned anywhere. Cartman: Well, neither is Bigfoot, Kyle, but there are a lot of people who say they have spotted a Sasquatch. Kyle: [sighs] If someone says they saw a Sasquatch, they are either lying or they are stupid. Now stop lying about a Jewpacabra before stupid people start believing you! Scene Description: Butters in his bedroom, night. There is thunder and he is indeed scared a lot. Butters: Lu lu lu, lu... N-no such thing as J-Jewpacabra. People made it up. [a loud peal of thunder] It's - that's okay. Even if there was a J-Jewpacabra it couldn't get in my r-room anyways. Cartman: [standing on his bed with camera kit attached to him] Butters. Butters: AAAAAHHH! Cartman: Come on, Butters, you and me are gonna try to catch Jewpacabra on camera. Butters: No, it's a school night! Cartman: Butters, do you know how many times Jewpacabra has been shot on video? Zee-ro! [Butters stammers a bit] I can't do this alone, please. Help me prove to the rest of the world Jewpacabra is real. Scene Description: A camera recording with a green filter. Butters and Cartman, both equipped as cameramen now, are hunting for a Jewpacabra in the forest. Their faces appear distorted in close-up shots. Cartman: Look at these dense trees and brush. Oh yeah, this is exactly the kind of forest Jewpacabra likes to hide in. Butters: You think Jewpacabra is here? Cartman: Pretty sure Jewpacabra was here. Butters: Oh good. Maybe we scared it off? Cartman: You can't scare a Jewpacabra, Butters. Don't forget we're dealing with a creature that drinks blood, hides in the night and has absolutely no belief in the divinity of Christ. [a rustle comes through the bush] Did you hear that? I'm going to try a Jewpacabra mating call now. NO CHRIST! NO CHRIST! I'M REALLY NOT BUYING THIS WHOLE CHRIST THING! [to Butters] He's here somewhere. Butters: Oh God, I'm scared. Cartman: JESUS IS A LIE! Butters: Eric, stop it! Cartman: Shh! Help me call it out, Butters. Butters: I'm not saying Jesus is a lie! Cartman: Butters, do you wanna catch Jewpacabra on camera or not?! [Butters thinks] THERE IS NO CHRIST! Butters: Jesus is a lie? Cartman: No way Jesus was son of God, huh, Butters? Butters: Nope. I don't think... Christ has any basis in reality. Cartman: Sh! You hear that? Butters: Oh, hamburgers. Scene Description: Sooper Foods, day. The president is speaking to someone while three of his employees stand behind him. President: We started Sooper Foods to give people a place to buy groceries that was fun and safe. We are not canceling our Easter Egg hunt because of some wild story! Cartman: I didn't think you would believe me. And that why last night I took it upon myself to go out and try to capture it on video. [connects his video camera to the TV] What I'm about to show you is the first video ever shot of a Jewpacabra. [moves away a bit] And you're the first to see it. [the video shot of Butters and Cartman from last night is played on the TV] This is just after 8 p.m. First we heard rustling in the bushes. Then a strange, animal-like scurrying sound. That's when we saw, this. [pauses] 'Kay wait for it, wait for it, wait for it... wait for it... wait for... [an abrupt rustle] right there! Did you see the Jewpacabra? I know, it's so shocking it takes a minute for your brain to process what it's seeing. Watch again. [plays that moment again] Wait for it... wait... there! [pauses to show the motion blurred animal that moves between bushes] Jewpacabra. There's a Jewpacabra in South Park. God help us. Employee 1: That wasn't a dog? Cartman: It was no dog. I was there, I'm telling you this thing had no idea that Jesus Christ had died for our sins. Employee 2: What? Cartman: I can try to catch it, but I'm going to need all the resources you've got. If this thing isn't contained, your Easter Egg hunt is going to be a bloodbath. [the president walks to the window. Employee 1 follows him] Employee 1: Mr. Billings? Mr. Billings: [sighs] There's two things that separate Sooper Foods from all the other grocery stores: Fun and safety. What do you think, Peters? What are the chances that this 'Jewpacabra' is real? Peters: I'm estimating somewhere around .000000001%. Mr. Billings: [deep sigh] We can't afford to take that chance. Get this kid whatever he needs. Scene Description: Three helicopters of Sooper Foods are flying. Cartman, Mr. Billings and the third employee from the previous scene are in one of them. Cartman has a map in his hands. Mr. Billings: So where are we heading first? Cartman: We need to get to the city of Nassau in the Bahamas, here. [points on the map] Mr. Billings: The Bahamas? Cartman: That's right. There's a resort near there called 'The Atlantis Hotel and Casino'. They have a water slide there that goes through a shark tank. Scene Description: Cartman is slinding through a temple-shaped water slide, going through a shark tank. Cartman: Weeeeeee! Oh yes! Oolll! Check it out! Heheyeahehe! [drops in a pool, then comes out] Scene Description: The three helicopters are heading for somewhere else. Cartman has a towel around his neck and is drying himself with a handkerchief as well as holding the map. Mr. Billings: Where to now? Cartman: Now we head back to Colorado, here. [points on the map] We need to get my video of the Jewpacabra into the hands of professionals who can analyze it. Scene Description: Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization. Cartman leads Mr. Billings and his two employees to the building but is confronted by a pissed off Kyle. Kyle: Would you stop scaring everyone with your dumb ass myth! Cartman: People thought Atlantis was a myth, Kyle, but I was just there. I've explored the depths of Atlantis, and now I'm about to prove a new species exists. I'm a little James Cameron. Kyle: These people aren't going to prove anything. To believe any of this you either have to be a liar, or stupid. Cartman: These are professional people who go around tracking Sasquatches, Kyle! They aren't liars, and they aren't stupid! Scene Description: Four dumb looking cryptozoologists are examining Cartman's video in their laboratory Matt: Look at its trajectory. It heads directly to the right. [highlights the blurred image of the supposed Jewpacabra] Cliff: It can't be human it's too low to the ground. What do you think, Bobo? Bobo: Bobo thinks scary! Matt: It's definitely something. I'm thinking a Sasquatch. Cliff: It's not big enough to be a Squatch. Matt: So it's a baby Squatch? Cliff: That's what I'm thinking. Cartman: I've already done my research boys. What you're looking at there is a Jewpacabra. Matt: Jewpacabra? Cartman: It's like a Sasquatch, only more elusive, more ferocious and a little more greedy. Bobo: Oh, Jewpacabra, that sounds scary! Cliff: But it makes total sense. If we rule out a human and a baby Sasquatch, Jewpacabra is all we really have left. Cartman: Well, I guess that's it. You're going to have to only allow me into the Easter Egg hunt, sir. I'm the only one qualified. Mr. Billings: All the kids will be so disappointed. Bobo: Whoa, look at this! I just did the heatie thermal thingie to the video! It's all orangie! [the image of Jewpacabra is colored in orange] Cliff: But it's supposed to be all yellow-y. My God! This really is proof of a Jewpacabra! Cartman: Heh. What do you mean? [he is stunned] Cliff: We've never seen this before! It really is true! Cartman: Well, I mean it could have just been a dog? Matt: No it's impossible. Look at the zoomy in. If I drop image of a dog next to it... [drops an cut-out image of a dog] That thing is way to big to be a dog. And check out the thermals coming off of it. Bobo: That's the thermals. They make a proof and the thermals! Matt: That's right, Bobo. Whatever this thing is it's mean and angry as hell. Cartman: Well, come on guys, it's probably a Jewpacabra but this isn't definitive. Matt: I'll tell you one thing, kid, you're pretty brave. Cartman: Why? Cliff: 'Cause you took the video of this thing. It's not gonna like that. Matt: If it is a Jewpacabra, he's gonna be coming after you. [Cartman is scared a lot. Creepy music plays] Scene Description: Cartman's room, night. He is in his bed, frightened a lot, mimicing Butters' scene. Cartman: There's... no way. No way Jewpacabra is real. [loud thunder] Those, those cryptozoologists don't know what they're talking about. They just... they just gave me a case of the Hebrew jeebies that's all... Eh, eaah. [quickly makes a call with his cellphone] Hey. Jewpacabra can't be real, right? Tell me again why it can't be real? [Kyle is listening to him in his bed with his eyes half-closed] I mean, it's impossible that something I made up could turn out to actually exist, huh, Kyle? Kyle: What are you doing? Cartman: Okay, okay. Even if there was a Jewpacabra, it wouldn't know I was the one who got video of it, huh? How could it know that? It couldn't know that, right? Kyle? [Kyle hangs up and goes back to sleep. His phone rings again, causing him so throw it to the wall.] Scene Description: South Park Church, night. The church is decorated for Easter. Cartman is alone there, sitting on one of the pews. He is singing with a shaky voice as well as holding a rosary. Cartman: Jesus loves me this I know 'Cause Republicans tell me so Little ones God will protect 'Cause letting kids be harmed is child neglect [speaks on his radio] Everything still clear out there? Scene Description: Butters, Craig and Token are guarding the church. They have a shotgun, a bat and a flashlight respectively. Cartman: [voice only] Guys?! Butters: It's all quiet out front, Eric. Cartman: Well, check everywhere! I'm not paying you guys each twenty bucks to scratch your buttholes! Butters: He says he's not payin' us to scratch our buttholes. [a boom breaks out. The three boys take to their heels, screaming] Cartman: [in the church] What? What was that? Butters? Token?! [the door is forced] Oh Jesus Christ! You guys?! Aghgh! [quickly hides between the candle stands] You guys?! GUYS! Butters: [though the radio] Hey, Eric. Cartman: It's trying to get in! Where the hell are you guys? Butters: Well, we got scared so we're next door at Wingstreet. [he is definitely at Wingstreet, and Craig and Token are buying some meal] Cartman: Wingstreet?! Butters: Yeah, well it was the closest place to hide. Cartman: Dude, I want wings! [there is some knocking on another door] Ahghgh!!! [it turns out to be Mr. Billings and his two employees.] Oh Jesus, it's only you! Mr. Billings: Alright, grab him. Cartman: HUH?! Employee 3: You say the Jewpacabra hunts for anything Easter, and now it's looking for you. [the two employees take him away] Scene Description: Cartman, in his Easter bunny costume, is chained to a rock in the park, holding a basket. Cartman: Get me outta here! PLEASE! HEELP! Mr. Billings: Look, we're sorry. But if it's you that Jewpacabra wants, we don't have a choice. Cartman: OH GOD, IT'S GONNA KILL ME! [Employee 3 brushes his face with the blood of a chicken which is in the bucket he holds] What the-? Mr. Billings: Just a little blood to try and draw it out. We just can't risk the creature showing up tomorrow. Our entire business is based on fun and safety. Cartman: This isn't safe or fun! Mr. Billing: Maybe it won't even show up. Maybe we'll all make it out of this okay? [a howl is heard] Oh fuck, we better get out of here. [Mr. Billings and his employees flee away] Cartman: NO! COME BACK! Come back please, this isn't right! Scene Description: The Broflovski house, night. The doorbell rings, Kyle gets the door. It it Mr. Billings and his employees. Mr. Billings: Hello young man. Let me start off by saying Sooper Foods is absolutely not an anti-semitic company. [Kyle just looks] But... if your people do have a monster creature that feeds on Easter children, we just wanted to let you know there is a sacrifice for it in the park that is totally fun and safe to eat. Thank you. [the three walk away. Kyle looks behind them] Scene Description: It is surely cold out there and snowing. Cartman is despairingly weeping and collecting the Easter eggs he can find. Kyle shows up, Cartman notices. Cartman: [smiles] Kyle! Hey, Kyle! [Kyle looks at him with his eyes half-closed] I know what you're thinking, Kyle. That, like, this is some kind of fitting comeuppance. Kyle: Admit you're lying, and I'll let you go. Cartman: Oh, of course I was lying, Kyle. There's no Jewpacabra. Now, please, Kyle, it's Easter Eve! And if Jewpacabra smells this blood, I am in a heap of trouble! [Kyle frowns and walks away] No Kyle! No, wait! I'm sorry I couldn't help it! Kyle?! Please I'll give you money! I have lots of money! [softly] Oh God, what am I doing? [shouts] I mean, I mean, I don't have any money! I'm totally broke! [softly] Oh God, I am in a heap of trouble. Scene Description: It's fullmoon and the snow has stopped. Cartman is still in the park, now sitting on the ground. Cartman: It's so cool that even though I'm Christian I celebrate Passover too! Yup. I think both holidays are awesome. [he is peeked by a pair of red slanted eyes with a snoring effect.] I really sympathize with those Jews in Ancient Egypt! I really do! [the pair of eyes turn out to be binoculars used by Bobo.] Cliff: What'dya think, Bobo? Bobo: No doubt about it! It's a three foot tall bunny-man! Matt: I told you! Bunny people must be a throwback to paleotardic times! Shoot it Bobo! Bobo: Bobo shoot it! [he comes forward to aim, Cartman notices] Cartman: Bobo?! Bobo, no! [Bobo fires a dart] Wha- [falls over] Bobo: [dances cheerfully] Bobo got it! Bobo got the bunnymaaan! Matt: Good shot, Bobo! Cliff: Now what do we do? Matt: I know. Let's go get a show about it on Animal Planet. Cliff: Good idea. [they start walking] Wait wait wait wait. We're gonna need to take the evidence. Bobo: Alright. [takes the dart gun] I got the evidence right here. The dart gun I shot the bunnyman with. Matt: Alright! Come on, let's go! Cartman: [seems to be having a dream] Ugh... what... where... Scene Description: Cartman is shown in Ancient Egypt, dressed as a prince. A huge fly lands in front of him. He turns out to be in the middle of the biblical plagues. Cartman: Ugh... what? [stands up] What's going on? Man 1: The plagues! The plagues are upon us! Run! Scene Description: It starts to rain frogs. Cartman runs away Cartman: It's raining frogggggsss! [finds Kyle, who is clinbing to the roof of his house on a ladder] Kyle! Kyle, my Hebrew friend! Did you see that it's raining frogs? Kyle: [bangs a nail into a piece of wood] Yes. It's because the Pharaoh won't give the Hebrews what we want! God is angry. Cartman: So God makes it rain frogs? That just seems kind of mean to frogs, Kyle. Kyle: That's how God is! And if Pharaoh doesn't give us what we want, next he's gonna kill all Egyptian first born boys! Cartman: Wha- Okay, look, I'll talk to the Pharaoh and see if he'll change his mind. Kyle: It doesn't matter. Because God is going to harden the Pharaoh's heart! Cartman: What does that mean? Kyle: It means Jehovah is going to use his powers to keep the Pharaoh from letting us go. Cartman: Well that doesn't seem very fair, Kyle. I mean, if God is going to make Pharaoh say no, then why would he punish him for saying no? Kyle: That's just how God is. Cartman: You're wrong, Kyle! God is not a dick! [Kyle gets angry] Scene Description: The Pharaoh is sitting in his balcony, seemingly in deep thought. Cartman approaches, then sits next to him. Cartman: Daaad, when's it gonna stop raining frogs? Pharaoh: It'll be okay, my son. The weather will clear. Cartman: But my friend Kyle, he says that the reason we've had all these plagues and stuff because you won't let all the Jews leave. Pharaoh: [sighs] It's a complicated political issue, my son. An economic social issue that needs time. We can't let them leave, but is it really all that different from when the north didn't let the confederate states leave the USA? Cartman: Wow, that makes sense. Don't think anyone can deny that. [a bloody frog lands over the edge] Pharaoh: Poor frogs. I feel so badly for them. Cartman: But dad, my friend Kyle says that if we don't do whatever the Hebrews want us to do, God is gonna kill little Egyptian boys. Pharaoh: Hah, I don't think God would do such a thing, little one. No matter what happens, we can't let ourselves believe in the Hebrew version of God. We believe in a just Lord who would never murder innocent children. Cartman: I love you, dad. Pharaoh: And I love you son. And our love grows. Cartman: And our love grows Both: And our love grows Like the mighty river of the Nileriver of the Nile See it flow We'll never be apart Cartman: Have no fear, for God is near And God loves all his children [he pats a lamb, but it is taken away by Gerald] Huh? [Sheila slices the lamb's head] Nooooooo! [Sheila and Gerald apply the lamb's blood to their door. Kyle watches them] Kyle, why? What are you doing? Kyle: This is what God told us to do! Cartman: No, Kyle! I don't believe you! Kyle: You'll see! [Cartman runs away but realizes other families are also doing it. He runs though the corpses of lambs] Cartman: Noooo! [goes inside somewhere, but sees two kids with bloody eyes] Kid 1: What's happening to us? [both of the kids puke blood and fall over] Cartman: Noooooo! [runs past a mom and her child] Child: Mom! Don't let God kill me! [his head explodes and his mom screams] Cartman: Noooo! [he is confronted by a man] Man 2: [holds out a flat sandwich] Care for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?! Cartman: No! The bread's all flat! No! [shoves the bread down and keeps running] Aaaaahhhh! [the Pharaoh has kneeled down. All children around him have their heads explode. Screaming and shouting can be heard in the background] Pharaoh: Son! We were wrong! I WAS WRONG! Cartman: We were wrong! I'm sorry God I'll be Jewish I promise! Please don't kill me! Don't kill me! Doooo...! [his head explodes, and the Pharaoh crys in despair] Scene Description: Cartman is shown in reality again. He is in the park, unconscious. Cartman: [sleeptalking] No! No! The bread is all flat! No! Scene Description: The Broflovski house, night. Kyle is uncomfortable in his bed. He ultimately gets up and heads to the park with a blanket and bolt cutters. He frowns when he finds Cartman who is shaking and slowly saying to himself "Nooo... Nooo...". He puts the blanket on him and breaks the chains with the bolt cutters. He takes Cartman to his house, putting him in his bed and taking his shoes off. Touching music plays during these events. Scene Description: South Park Easter Egg Hunt, morning. The audience applauds while Mr. Billings is giving his speech Mr. Billings: There are two things people think about when they are grocery shopping: Fun and Safety. On this beautiful Easter morning, we are thrilled to give back to he people of South Park who for the third year in a row have made our grocery store number... [looks on his paper] 4 in fun and number 6 in safety. Let the hunt begin. [The woman employee cuts the ribbon to allow chilren to the hunt. They excitedly run all over the place looking for eggs. Some of them attack and fight each other.] Cartman: [offscreen] I'm alive! [everyone stops. Cartman runs in, gasping for air.] I'm alive, you guys. [holds a blond girl though her shoulders] I don't know how, but I'm alive! [lets go and keeps running] Can you believe it? It's a miracle. [runs to the stage] Listen everybody, last night I almost died. But then a Passover miracle happened. The Jewpacabra passed me over, and by the power of Jehovah, I somehow woke up safely in my bed. I learned a big lesson. It's wrong, guys. Christ didn't die for our sins and God is angry. It's time for us all to stop this Easter ridiculousness, accept Jehovah as our God and deny Christ. Butters: [angrily] Oh, stop trying to ruin Easter, you... You heathen! [the crowd agrees, then resumes their hunting] Cartman: Hey guys, listen! [Nobody cares. He finds Kyle standing there, approaches him, and lets out a deep sigh.] I finally know how you feel, Kyle. Knowing your religion is right but being laughed at by everyone else. It's so hard for us Jews. But I guess we just have to let stupid people believe what they are gonna believe. Kyle: Yeah. Cartman: I-I know what you're thinking Kyle. But I really do believe in Judaism now. I'm not lying. Kyle: [puts his arm around him and smiles] I know, you're not. Cartman: Kewl, thanks Kyle. Oh, and Kyle, happy Passover. Kyle: [flatly] Happy Passover, Cartman. [the camera moves up to the sun, which now has a Star of David at the center of it.]

Scene Description: South Park Elementary Cafeteria, lunchtime. Five boys are seated at a table: Cartman and Kyle on one side; Craig, Kenny, and Stan on the other. There's room for a third boy next to Kyle Cartman: Nonono, I'm tellin' you guys, music videos have devolved to nothing but pretty girls wearing skin-tight clothes, and singin' songs about their vajayjays. Used to be chicks sang about their relationships; now it's all "my vajayjay this, my vajayjay that." But clearly that's what sells. Think about it. When was the last time you turned on a music video and didn't see some chick strumming a guitar singing about her vajayjay? [the boys ignore him and continue eating] See? You can't remember. Butters: [walks in with a black right eye] Heh, h-hey fellas. [takes the remaining spot. Stan, Kenny, and Craig look at each other.] Kyle: Where's your lunch, Butters? Butters: OH. [looks around nervously] Uh, it's okay. Um I'm not hungry anyways. Stan: Dude, did a bully take your lunch money again? Butters: ...Yeah. [looks down at the table] Stan: That's the third day in a row. You gotta tell the teacher. Butters: Naw, I'm not a tattle-tale. Stan: Well then write the principal an anonymous letter. Butters: Naw, I'm not no Anonymous Andy. Craig: So then just get a bigger bully to beat the bully up. Butters: Naw, I don't want kids calling me a Cliché Conflict Resolution Kevin. Cartman: He has a point. Kyle: Well, then you gotta ride it out, Butters. Craig: Yeah, life sucks sometimes, but it'll pass. Stan: I can't believe what I'm hearing! [three girls walking by hear this and stop] This is why bullying is getting worse and worse at out schools! We can't all sit by and let it happen anymore! Red: Good for you, Stan, nice somebody in this school has some balls. Cartman: I have balls. Red: Yeah, little squishy boba-tea balls. Cartman: Still balls. Kyle: Look Butters, why don't you just talk to your family about it? You said your Grandma's visiting this week. Why don't you try talking to her? Butters: My Grandma? Scene Description: The Stotch house, living room, day. Stephen and Linda are talking to a sweet-looking elderly woman. Linda and the woman sit at the sofa while Stephen stands behind Linda Grammy: Well, so then your cousin Albert, Linda, actually has two girls now. One is three and the other's about little Butters' age, I think. Stephen: Well, speak of the devil. Linda: Butters, what happened to your eye? Butters: Grandma, ca-can I talk to you for a second? Grammy: Well sure, you come and sit right here next to Grammy. Butters: Could I maybe talk to Grammy alone? Stephen: Well, sure, I guess. We'll go make some tea. Grammy: Oh some tea would be lovely. [Stephen and Linda leave. Instantly Grammy's sweet demeanor vanishes. She raises her left fist and punches Butters on his bruised right eye. Now we know who the bully is.] What's up? [punches him again] Huh? You think you're [punch] tough, huh? Butters: I just... [holds his hands up in self-defense] don't want you to pick on me no more, Grandma. Grammy: Think you're fuckin' tough, huh? [punches him again] You don't look fuckin' tough. Butters: Um, I don't think I'm tough... grandma. Grammy: No, you're a little faggot! [grabs him by the collar] You got any more money? Huh? Butters: No, you took it all! Grammy: [holds her fist up at him] Why don't you do something about it?! [punches him again] Do somethin', you little bitch! You're Grandma's bitch! Linda: Here we go. [brings in the tea and sets it on the coffee table. Stephen brings in some lemon bars and does the same] Grammy: [once again, sweet and kind] Oh, there's the tea. Tea for me. How lucky. Linda: And your favorite lemon bars. Grammy: Goodness, what a treat this is. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, Mr. Mackey's office. A man pays him a visit Bucky Bailey: Mr. Mackey, what is happening here at your school is no different from what is happening all over the country. Bullying has become an epidemic, I'm afraid, and we at Bully Buckers ™ are trying to stamp it out. What is your school's policy on bullying? Mr. Mackey: Oh, well uh w-we think that bullyin' is... is, is bad... m'kay, and uh, and when we see bullying in the school, we tell the students, you know, that... uh that that's bad. m'kay? Bucky Bailey: Aha, well one of your students told us he thinks bullying at your school is getting worse. Mr. Mackey: Uh who said? Bucky Bailey: He didn't want that disclosed. Mr. Mackey: Oh, he's a little Anonymous Andy? Bucky Bailey: We would like to have an anti-bullying assembly with your students this afternoon. Mr. Mackey: Uhokay, but uh, today's actually bad. Uh I already have an assembly today on positive thinking. Bucky Bailey: You believe positive thinking is really what's critical in schools right now? What's wrong with you?! Mr. Mackey: Wull I mean it kind of wo-uhuh works out. Bucky Bailey: No, shut up! What kind of counselor says no to an anti-bullying campaign?! Bullying needs to be stopped! Now! This afternoon! Mr. Mackey: Wah-eh jus- will we he-? Bucky Bailey: Wuhhh duhhh. You may only have an Internet degree, but why don't you start acting like you're a school counselor and not an uninformed backwards little dork! M'kay?! [the Bully Buckers founder leaves the office and walks towards the hall. Moments later Mr. Mackey walks out of the office crying. He walks to the mic and turns it on] Mr. Mackey: [barely holding back emotion] Attention students: today we will have an... assembly... on the subject of... bullying. M'kay? [on the hallway several students stand around listening to the announcement] The assembly is mandatory. M'kay? You'd better show up. 'Kay? Scene Description: The hallway. Red approaches Butters. Red: Butters? Your grandma's looking for you. Butters: [quickly slams his locker door shut] My grandma?? Red: She said to meet her outside behind the school. Butters: Oh hamburgers! [runs off to the closest restroom, runs in and closes the door] Grammy: [sitting back against the sinks] Hey twerp! [Butters notices her] You went and narc'd on me! Butters: [startled at first] HA! OH. Ah. Hi Grandma. Grammy: [walks to the bathroom door with a menacing swagger, locks it, then walks back] I heard somebody brought in an anti-bully counselor! Thought I wouldn't find out, you little narc?! Butters: Well I didn't narc, Grandma. It wasn't me. Grammy: [walks towards the urinal] Oh look, what's this over here? [picks up the urinal cake] Ohoh, it's a narc puck. This is what narcs have to put in their mouths. Awww, it's got piss all over it. [picks Butters up by the collar and attempts to put the cake into his mouth] Butters: Nno Grandma, knock it off! No! Stop it! [he holds her off] Grammy: Put it in your mouth! Put it in your fuckin' mouth! [someone begins to pull on the bathroom door. Grammy releases Butters and opens the door. Mr. Adler is standing outside] Ohhh hellow. Mr. Adler: Oh, sorry. Uh, this door isn't supposed to be locked. Grammy: I'm sorry, Uh I needed the restroom and my grandson brought me to this one. Isn't that right, Butters? Butters: [looks at the floor] Yes... Mr. Adler: Butters you goofball. I'll show you to the girls' room, ma'am. Grammy: Oh thank you so much. [walks out after Mr. Adler, but just as Butters is about to close the door she spins around and confronts him once more] You narc again and you're fuckin' dead! Fuckin' dead, you got it?! Mr. Adler: This way. Grammy: Oop, uh coming. [closes the door, leaving Butters to his thoughts.] Scene Description: The school assembly that afternoon. Every student is in place. Bucky Bailey: What makes a bully? [stands next to an image of his company's logo: Bucky Bailey's Bully Buckers ™] The truth is there are more bullies at your school than you even think. And the student who lets bullying happen is just as bad as the bully himself. Come on out, Lorraine. [Lorraine comes out. Her hair is disheveled and her pants go up way too high.] I asked your school mate Lorraine here to help me out. [genuflects] Are you bullied in the school, Lorraine? Lorraine: ...d'Yes. Bucky Bailey: Kids pick on you, call you names? Lorraine: ...Sometimes. Bucky Bailey: What kind of things do they say to you? Lorraine: ...Ugly ...neh-nerd. Bucky Bailey: Do they say "Nice pants. Why do you wear them up to your tits?"? Lorraine: [long pause] No... Bucky Bailey: [stands up] Bullying affects everyone. And only if the entire school is united against it can bullying ever be stopped. [to Lorraine] Go, go, get out of here. [she leaves] Now what we at Bucky Bailey's Bully Busters ™ like to do is get the schools to make an anti-bullying video. So who would like to be the young student director in charge of our video? [long pause. No one volunteers] We just need one student to be the leader of our anti-bullying campaign. [still no takers] What? Are you all chicken? [begins to act like a chicken] Nobody wants to be in charge of the anti-bullying video? [acts like a chicken, then like a crying baby rubbing his eyes, then back to acting like a chicken.] Stan: I'll do it! I'll be in charge. Bucky Bailey: Ooooo, you're a big man?! You wanna show what a big man you are?! Stan: No, I just... I think bullying has gotten out of hand. And it needs to be stopped. Red: Good for you, Stan. [kids begin to clap for him. Kyle has a suspicious look.] Riley: He's cool. Scene Description: "THE STUDENTS OF SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY PRESENT Stop Bullying. WRITTEN BY STAN MARSH. MUSIC BY STAN MARSH. TITLE SONG SUNG BY STAN MARSH. DIRECTED BY STAN MARSH." Clyde: You wanna know who I hate?! I hate that kid Butters! He's a dork! Jimmy: Yeh. Let's go bi- pick on him! Yeh! [Stan comes in from screen right] Stan: Hey guys, guys! Don't pick on Butters! That's not cool. You can't do that. Bullying? Did you know that in America, hohoh, [takes Clyde and Red and turns them around] over 200,000 students every day are afraid to come to school because of bullying? [guides them back into the school] At South Park Elementary we're better than that. Come on. Let's all put an end to bullying. Right now! Five Six Seven Eight! The Kids of South Park Elementary: [Stan leads the song. He backs up into the lobby and then into the cafeteria] Bullying isn't cool. Bullying is lame. Bullying is ugly and has a stupid name. For a healthy world, bullying's unfit. And I think I know what we should do to i-it. Do do do do do to i-it. [Clyde takes over and backs up to the gym doors] Let's all get together and make bullying kill itself. Bullying's an ugly thing [Wendy takes over in the gym and backs up though two rows of kids tossing basketballs at eat other] Lets shove its face in the dirt and make bullying kill itself. [Token takes over and backs up to some stairs, where the Goth kids are sitting] Woah-oh. Woah-oh. Woah-oh. Cartman: [tarted up, takes over and backs up the stairs] Boy you like my body. Set the mood, let's play! You can touch me anywhere except for my vajayjay. The Kids of South Park Elementary: [Stan takes over at the landing between floors and backs up down the hallway and into the library] We can make it stop. We can stomp it out. We can beat its ass until it starts to cry. Let's gang up on it and tell it it smells And beat its ass worse if it ever te-lls. If if if it ever te-lls. [Craig takes over in the library, walks forward, and backs up down the hallway through two rows of cheerleaders and some balloons dropping from the ceiling] Lets all join together to try to make bullying kill itself. It'll be fun to see just how bad we can make it feel and make bullying kill itself. [Timmy takes over and backs up towards a corner] Woah-oh. Woah-oh. Woah-oh. Cartman: [takes over at the corner and backs up, pointing at his own crotch] My heart says ye-es (ye-es ye-es) but my vajayjay says no-o [Some doors open and a naked Butters is showcased in a steel-framed clear box, being carried out by two sixth graders. The lights go out and special effects appear - neon paint on the kids' faces and a blue glow through the doors. Butters takes over.] Butters: Trapped inside the darkness of my mind. I try to break free. The words are so unkind. Jason: Stupid! (stupid stupid) Pete: Ugly! (ugly ugly ugly ugly) Kyle: Pansy. Older girl: Dork! Butters: Can I, can I not do this, please? [the video stops and the hallway lights come on] I don't wanna do this. Stan: Aw Butters, you ruined it. This is all one big long shot and you ruined it. Butters: Mm, but this is just gonna make things worse for me. Stan: Butters, you're the star of the video! Kyle: He doesn't wanna do it, dude. Stan: Well come on, do you just wanna be bullied your whole life, Butters? [Kyle walks off in a huff] Kyle? Scene Description: In front of the school. Kyle walks out and away. Stan runs out after him Stan: Kyle? Kyle, dude, where are you going?! Kyle: [stops, then turns around] Why are you doing this, Stan? Stan: To stop bullying. Kyle: You're gonna stop bullying. Stan: YES. Kyle: With Cartman singing about his vagina. Stan: ...It's about awareness dude. Don't you understand how important this is? Bullying? Do you realize that in America, hohoh, over 200,000 students are afraid to come to school every day because of- Kyle: Don't, don't act for me, Stan! Really?! Because every minute I'm watching this video become less about awareness and more about you! Stan: Kyle, I'm trying to make a difference! Kyle: Okay. Just be careful you don't end up naked and jacking it in San Diego. [turns around and hurries away] Stan: What the hell does that mean? Scene Description: Butters' house, evening. The family is having dinner at the table Grammy: Oh heavens to Betsy, Linda. This is such a yummy yummy ham. I just love your cooking. [takes her fork under the table and jabs Butters with it. He winces in pain.] Stephen: Our Linda certainly knows her way around a pork. [Butters winces again] What's the matter, Butters? Butters: Nnothin' Dad. Jjust a little gassy. [Grammy jabs him again, and he winces in pain] Stephen: Oh. Well don't fart on Grandma. She's tryin' to enjoy her ham. Butters: Okay Dad, I won-aaaaah! Gaaaah-ow. [the doorbell rings] Stephen: I'll get it. [rises and walks away] Grammy: [notices something] Linda, is that a new clock on the wall? Linda: [looks at the clock] Oh yes. Stephen and I got that last month. It's from Germany, I believe. [while Linda talks, Grammy picks her boogers and smears them on Butters' mashed potatoes] I just love the cute little canary on the dial. And, every hour it chimes. [turns back to Grandma as Stephen brings Butters' friends over.] Stephen: Your friends wanted to see you, Butters. Stan: Dude, Butters! We have awesome news! A Hollywood movie company is gonna buy our bullying video! Grammy: Oh, an anti-bullying video? How adorable. [jabs him harder with the fork, and he screams in pain] Stan: Yeah, and Butters is the star! The movie company wants to do a photo shoot with him so we can make movie posters! Butters: HAAAAA! [pounds the table fiercely to relieve the pain from Grammy's fork] Stan: I know, right?! [Stan, Cartman, and Kenny all imitate Butters' pain] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Stan walks in to a hero's welcome. Cheers greet him as he walks down the hall towards the boys' restroom. He walks in and noticed Mr. Bailey waiting for him with arms crossed. Bucky Bailey: Whassup?! [walks to the bathroom door and locks it] Stan: Oh, hey. Bucky Bailey: You went and made a video and sold it without lettin' me know. Stan: Huh? Bucky Bailey: Doin' a video was my idea! It's the property of Bucky Bailey's Bully Buckers ™, you got that?! [crosses his arms again] Stan: But I worked hard on that! It's, it's been really stressful and I- Bucky Bailey: Oh, it's been stwessful?! [gets in his face] What's wrong with you?! Kids are getting bullied at school and with this money, Bucky Bailey's Bully Buckers ™ can finally become the legit organization it deserves to be! You greedy, selfish, little PRICK! [Stan lowers his head in shame] Oh what? You gonna cwy? Stan: No. Bucky Bailey: No, go ahead, cwy. Let me see ya. [rubs his eyes as if he's the one crying] Let me see you cwy. [Stan begins to cry] Stan: [Stan Sobbing.] Scene Description: Butters' house, night, Butters' room. He's pacing back and forth Butters: [having a conversation with himself] We don't have a choice, Butters. You have to defend yourself! [switch] Oh, but violence is never the answer. [switch] But she's gonna kill you, Butters! You know she is! [switch] You're right, Butters! I don't have a choice! [goes into his closet and pulls out a box] Sorry, Grandma, but you brought this on yourself! [unpacks his Professor Chaos costume and puts it on] It's time you met... Chaos! [he bursts into the hallway] I've been pushed around for the last time! [runs to the guest bedroom, where Grammy is staying] Now I'm coming! And heck's coming with me! [bursts into Grammy's room, but is suddenly surprised at what he sees - Grammy in a supervillain outfit] Grammy: Oh, look, it's Captain Pussy! [Professor Chaos is frozen in place] You can't stop me, Captain Pussy! Don't even try! Professor Chaos: Grandma? but how di- Grammy: I got inspired when I came across your gay little costume in your closet. [changes mood] Now come on, Captain Pussy! Time for you to get your Gummi bears! Professor Chaos: No! Grandma please, nnnot Gummi bears! Grammy: Come 'ere! [rushes towards him] Professor Chaos: Ahh! Grandma! [backs into a corner next to a small table. Grammy knocks the table over and pins Chaos against the wall] Gramm: Stand up for yourself! Fight back! Be a fucking man! Professor Chaos: I can't. Grammy: Then it looks like you get... Gummi bears! [reaches into her mouth and pulls out her dentures] Gummy bears! [begins to gnaw at his left arm with her gums] Professor Chaos: Awww! Eewww! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Mr. Bailey walks down the hallway to the boys' room. He goes inside and is surprised Nick Jabs: [waiting with arms crossed] What's up? I'm Nick Jabs, president of the movie company that bought the bully video. [goes to lock the door] Bailey: Oh what? Stan Marsh got you to come talk to me?! That little cliché conflict resolution Kevin! Jabs: [advancing, making Bailey back up] The video was conceived, written, and directed by the South Park student body, you got that?! Bailey: It was my idea. I told the students to make the video and I-and I produced the entire thing! I deserve to have my name on it! Jabs: Yeah, only problem is America doesn't give a SHIT about an old fart with a Captain Kangaroo haircut! They wanna believe kids did something on their own. [hands him a sealed envelope] Here's a cease and desist letter from our lawyers. If you ever claim any authorship of the video again, we will sue you for everything you have! Bailey: But... but this was gonna be the thing that finally made Bully Buckers ™ a national organization. Jabs: Oh, you gonna cwy?! Oh don't cwy, you'll wook bad wif your wittle Captain Kangawoo haircut! [Mr. Bailey goes to the bathroom door, unlocks it, and walks out sobbing] Scene Description: The hallway, around the same time. Cartman and Kenny are handing out posters and putting them on lockers. Kenny is positioning one of them on a locker as Kyle walks up to them Cartman: 'Kay kewl, hold it right there. Kewl. [nearby, Craig and Clyde take notice] Kyle: Excuse me, what are you doing to my locker? Cartman: We're putting up movie posters, Kyle! The premiere is tomorrow! But since you walked out on the video, you don't get to come! [blows a raspberry at him] Kyle: I don't wanna go to your stupid movie premiere! [walks away] And don't tape that to my locker! [walks into the boys' room and sees Stan waiting by the sink with arms crossed] Oh God. [Stan goes to lock the door] Stan: What's up, Kyle? Why are you trying to trash-talk our theatrical release? Kyle: Do you really think that this is good for Butters? To have his face put all over signs as the poster child for bullying? Stan: Butters is totally fine with it, dude. Kyle: Yeah? Well Butters is ten! He doesn't exactly know what's best for him, and neither do you! Stan: Alright Kyle, that's enough! I'm not gonna be bullied by you, okay?! Kyle: What?! You were waiting for me in the bathroom! Stan: Oh yeah. Kyle: Look, this is all getting way too big! Tell the movie studio you aren't selling the video to them. Stan: This video can change how people think about bullying! It needs to be seen by everybody, Kyle! Kyle: If it needs to be seen by everybody, then why don't you put it out on the Internet for free?! [long pause] Well?! Stan: ...What, what was the question again? Kyle: [slowly] If you really think every kid in America should see your anti-bullying movie, then why don't you put it on the Internet, for free?! Stan: ...Get, get out of here, Kyle! I'm trying to go to the bathroom! Kyle: [turns around and walks out] Fine! But when you're naked and jackin' it in San Diego, don't ask me for help! [closes the door.] Stan: [left wondering] Why does he keep saying that? Scene Description: The Dr. Oz Show Dr. Oz: We all know that bullying has become an epidemic. Like AIDS, bullying is escalating and is spread mostly by penises. But now a few school kids are trying to make a difference with a video to make bullying kill itself. [Switch to Camera 2, which shows Stan and Butters seated next to Dr. Oz. Butters is not too happy to be there, so he rests his head on his right hand] I'm joined by the film's director as well as the weak little boy who's the main subject of the film. Stan, congratulations on all your success. Stan: Well, I just got tired of seeing people like Butters getting pushed around, and I knew I had to do somethin' about it. [the audience applauds] Dr. Oz: And how about you? What would you like to say to your bully out there? Butters: Oh uh, nothin'. Dr. Oz: Come on, this is for everyone who's been a victim. What do you wanna say to bullies all across America? Go ahead. [Butters raises his head] Right now. Say it. Butters: Uh stop... Stop trying to make me say things I don't want to on your TV show. Dr. Oz: Do you hear that, bullies? Stop making kids say things on your TV shows! [the audience applauds] What else do you wanna say, Butters? Butters: [feeling cornered] Please, leave me alone. Dr. Oz: Leave him alone! But that doesn't work, does it Butters? Butters: No it doesn't. Dr. Oz: Tell us in graphic detail what the bully does to you?! Butters: Stop it! Dr. Oz: Come on, this is for America! [Stan begins to get concerned. Butters looks to Stan for some reassurance] Do you realize that in America, ohohoh, over 200,000 students are afraid to go to school because of bullying?! [Butters' anger begins to rise] Don't you care?! You better care! [Butters loses it and attacks Dr. Oz. The audience cheers him on. Dr. Oz collapses to the floor and Butters begins to punch him in the face] Scene Description: The movie company's head office, day. Stan has been summoned to the office Mr. Jabs: What the hell were you thinking?! Everyone just saw that the bully victim in your movie is actually a violent psychopath! Stan: I didn't know. Mr. Jabs: This could kill our box office. People are gonna come after us now, saying we didn't check our facts! Stan: I didn't beat up Dr. Oz! Don't be mad at me! Mr. Jabs: It's your fuckin' movie! Now I'm gonna have to work overtime with marketing to make sure people still sympathize with our victim! Jesus, just get the fuck out of here! I've gotta go to the bathroom! [goes to the bathroom as Stan leaves. Inside the bathroom he runs into Jesus with his arms crossed] Uh oh. Jesus: My child, [goes to lock the door] have you ever heard of a place called Hell? It's eternal fire, and it's gonna hurt real bad. Mr. Jabs: Uh... [lowers his head] Jesus: Oh, what are you gonna do? cwy now? Scene Description: Grammy's room, night. Butters cracks the door open and walks in while she's asleep. She's facing away from him, so he can't see how she responds Butters: Grandma? I did it, Grandma. [she opens her eyes] I finally stood up for myself. I got real mean and I beat the snot outta Dr. Oz. [she frowns] I can't lie, it felt kind of good. [she smiles] At first. But since then all I have is just... a kind of dark, empty feeling. Then I realized... that's how you must feel. All the time. [her smile fades] Poor old Grandma. You know, I-I've been gettin' lots of advice how to deal with you. Stand up to you, tell on you... But I kind of realize there's just people like you out there. All over the place. When you're a kid, things seem like they're gonna last forever. But they're not. Life changes. Why you won't always be around. Someday you're gonna die. [the anger leaves Grammy's face] Someday pretty soon. [he approaches Grammy] And when you're layin' in that hospital bed, with tubes up your nose, and that little pan under your butt to pee in, well I'll come visit ya. I'll come just to show you that, that I'm still alive and I'm still happy. And you'll die. Bein' nothin' but you. [walks back to the door] 'Night Grandma. [exits and closes the door] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, next morning. Stan walks through the front doors and the students all boo him and throw wads of paper at him Stan: Huh? Aw, come on! [comes across Clyde, Craig, and Cartman and stops] Dude, what's going on? Clyde: You didn't hear?! Now that America knows Butters was actually a violent psychopath, they're saying you made a bull-crap bullying video! Stan: Wha? What's the movie studio saying about it? Cartman: The studio backed out! The producer had a change of heart! BOOOOO! Red: You made us look like uncaring idiots! Craig: Yeah. Boooo! Stan: How was I supposed to know Butters was actually a violent psychopath? Timmy: [rolls up] Boooo! Stan: [moves off a bit] Everyone loved me sixteen hours ago. Mr. Mackey: Stan? Stan, okay, ABC called and Dr. Oz is suing you and our entire school! What are you gonna do?! Stan: [sighs in resignation] I guess, there's only one thing left for me to do. Scene Description: A plane moves through the sky and lands at San Diego International Airport. Stan walks through the airport with two suitcases, then through the San Diego Zoo, then through Coronado Island, then takes a taxi ride through the Gaslamp District. Singer (background singers): Baaam badam baaam baaadam. Baaam badam bam Baaam badam baaam baaadam. Baaam badam bam I'm gonna jack it where the sun always shines. (He's gonna jack it) Been spreadin' the word and now I need to ease my mind. (Jackin' it) (Ohhhh...) Been plantin' them apple seeds and while the apples grow, I'm gonna go out jackin' it in San Diego! [the singers pop up] (Jackin' it, jackin' it, jackin' it jack Spankin' it, jackin' it, spankin' it smack) [Stan is at a street corner and begins to undress] I don't need no shirt, no, gonna take 'dem pants right off (he's about to jack it) On such a bright day who needs underwear or socks? (Jackin' jack it) (Ohhhh...) Been around God's country, and there's one thing I know. [Stan begins to dance] There's no better place for jackin' it than San Diego! [the two background singers arrive and stand between Stan and the camera] (Jack it, jack it, jackin' it jack Smackin' it, smackin' it, smackin' it smack Jackin' it, jackin' it, jackin' it jack [the lead singer comes in] Jackin' it, smackin' it, smackin' it smack) Jackin' for the Loooord! Jerry Sanders: [Mayor of San Diego] Come to San Diego. There's so much to see. [real photos of the places he mentions appear] From the sparkling waters of Mission Bay to the warm tortillas of Old Town. And after a day of sight-seeing, why not try spankin' it in one of our charming city streets? San Diego. Come, take a load off. [Behind him, Stan is still dancing at the street corner] Scene Description: The three singers are at Sea World. Stan dances across the screen at Coronado Island with his back to the camera, then dances at a Mission-style building, then is back at the corner masturbating at passing cars. Someone captures the spectacle from a nearby window. A priest walks by reading a newspaper. He notices Stan and is surprised enough to lose the paper Singer (background singers): (Jackin' it, jackin' it, jackin' it jack Spankin' it, spankin' it, smackin' it smack A whackin' it, whackin' it, whackin' it whack Smackin' it, jerkin' it, smackin' it smack) The cars are passin' me by, they're honkin', say hello. Passenger: [from a passing car] Hey that guy's jackin' it! Singer (background singers): From his window there's a guy shootin' video. (Video of him jackin' it) And if the good Lord Jesus comes knockin' on my door, Just tell him that I'm jackin' it in San Diego. [a tourist map shows up with Stan dancing on it] (Jackin' it, jackin' it, jackin' it jack Spankin' it, spankin' it, smackin' it smack (he's about to jack it) Whack it jack it whack it jack it whackin' it jack Whack it whack it smack whack whackin' it whack)

Scene Description: The opening shots this week parody those of "I Shouldn't Be Alive", with dramatic zooms and pans. Then a shot of Stan running in zipline gear Stan: Kyle! [his voice echoes as he looks around frantically] Scene Description: The opening shots again Narrator: Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from hell. [A shot of Kyle running, also in zipline gear, through the forest.] Kyle: AAAAAAAH! I can't take it! [a shot of Cartman moving down the zip line helplessly] Cartman: Somebody help us! [motion blur back to opening shots] Narrator: Trapped in an unforgiving mountain wilderness with no way out. [a shot each of Kyle, Kenny, and Stan screaming, then of a bloodied Stan on the zip line, then of Cartman, then of Kyle] The fourth graders are in a nightmare they cannot escape. Kyle: [being interviewed] We were stuck. We were completely stuck. [cut to Cartman running] Cartman: Kyle, hurry! [a shot of Stan with Kyle] Stan: Kyle, wake up! You've gotta wake up, Kyle! [a shot each of Kyle, Kenny, Stan, and Cartman screaming, then of the four boys on a wooden platform at the top of a zip line, then of Cartman, then of a trip through the esophagus, then of Cartman, and back to the first shot] Narrator: For four elementary school boys. an ordinary day becomes a descent into madness on tonight's episode of "I Should Have Never Gone Ziplining". Cartman: [inside a van, in a window seat] Oh God! Stan: [running towards the camera] No! Scene Description: "The events in this film took place over 4 hours in the Colorado Rockies" Stan: Help! We're trapped! [A shot of all four boys bloodied and woozy] We've gotta get out of here! Scene Description: "This is a true story." Scene Description: A bright sun rises over the town of South Park Narrator: It's the last day of Spring break, [a shot of the school] and all over the small mountain town of South Park, [back at the park, kids play on the basketball court or go down a slide, or fly kites.] students are trying to have as much fun as possible. [a girl shows off her dog to two friends, a boy aims his water gun at another boy and runs after him, two other boys toss a football between them. The camera stops at a table with four boys. Tow of them sit at the bench, two others stand. Kenny plays with a twig] For ten year old Stan Marsh and his friends Kyle, Eric, and Kenny, the last day has come too soon. Stan: [being interviewed] We really had spent the whole spring break watching TV and playing Xbox, you know, so, we, we wanted to go out and do something really adventurous. Kyle: We could go to the city pool. They have a water slide Cartman: Noo nono, I'm not getting in a pool with Kenny. He has herpes. Kenny: [offended] (What?!) Cartman: Look at his lip. [to Kenny] You've got herpes, dude. Kenny: [throws the twig away] (This is not herpes, it's a cold sore!) Cartman: No- cold sore is what girls call it, Kenny. It's actually herpes. Stan: Come on guys, the day is wasting away. What would be something really cool we could do? Kyle: [being interviewed] And then like, out of nowhere, somebody came up with the idea of ziplining. Cartman: Hey yeah, ziplining! That could be really cool! Kyle: We've definitely not done that before! Stan: I think there's a place just outside of town. I'll see if my uncle Jimbo will drop us off. Kyle: Cool! Ziplining. Cartman: Ziplining. Hell yeah. Narrator: Within thirty minutes, the boys are getting a ride to the ziplining outfitters from Stan's uncle Jimbo. [a shot of the boys chattering in the back] Cartman: [being interviewed] We were in a good mood, just jokin' around, you know, mostly making fun of Kenny's herpes. Cartman: Hey Kenny! You got herpes, dude! Ah I almost touched him. [leans over to see how close his finger can reach without touching] Zi- [Kenny puts his right mitten over his mouth and Cartman pulls his left hand back playfully] Oh, sick Kenny! No! Gross. Kenny: (Dude, it's just a fever blister!) Cartman: Heh, did you hear that guys? Kenny said it's just a fever blister. [laughs] You sound like a chick, Kenny. That's herpes, dude. You got that shit till you die. Narrator: It's the idyllic spring break getaway with friends and laughter. [a shot of the boys cheering as they approach Backcountry Adventures] Scene Description: Inside Backcountry Adventures, day Clerk: Hey, you guys here for the 2 o'clock zipline tour? Stan: Yeah. Clerk: All right, let me get you some helmet and some gear and we'll get up there and hit that fresh nar nar. Kyle: [being interviewed] And so they put us in these harnesses and helmets. I th-I think that's when we started realizing, "Oh wow, this is actually pretty dangerous." Clerk: [he's got the boys dressed up] All right, you guys look ready to zipline! Cartman: Alright! Clerk: Okay, just follow me over to the waiting room and we'll have you take a seat with the others. Stan: [being interviewed] And we were like, "Other? We have to do this with other people?" [a shot of the boys entering the waiting room, where there are seven other people waiting] Woman 1: Hi there. Man 1: Hello. Woman 2: Hi Narrator: The boys have just made a sobering discovery. [a shot of Stan's internal organs and spine] For ten year old Stan Marsh, the realization that he will be with a tour group has caused his adrenal glands to slow down. [this is shown] The average human acts a certain way when surrounded by friends and family. [Stan's brain and skull are shown] But, in a tour group, the brain has to work overtime, acting nice and pretending to care about people on the tour. Woman 2: [quite pregnant] Hey, how are you? Stan: [mimicking] Good. How are you? Kyle: [being interviewed] So then we sit there for like, thirty minutes, because we had to wait for this couple who was running late. [the couple arrives] Clerk: Alright, our last zipliners are here. [Kyle and Cartman are visibly angry] Man 2: Sorry we made you wait, everybody. [A shot of Kyle's mouth interior is shown] Narrator: Inside Kyle's mouth, the muscles contract to force a smile, even though in his brain, Kyle is thinking, "Dude, fuck you!" Kyle: We don't mind. Cartman: [being interviewed] Now everyone was there. We thought things would start getting fun, but... that's when we had to watch the safety video. [the benches are rearranged so the zipliners can watch a TV screen above them] Clerk: Welcome to Backcountry Adventures! Well hey there Michael! Michael: [who's just the clerk, naturally] Hey there Michael. [Everyone behind the boys laughs.] Stan: [being interviewed] It was... I don't know, ten, maybe fifteen minutes of pure hell. [return to the tour] Michael: Oh, and don't forget... to take in the nar. Back to you, Michael. Michael: Thanks Michael. [turns off the TV] Anybody have any questions? Cartman: ...No. Man 2: I have a question: Can we review the best ways to hold a rope again? [the boys are stunned that this needs to be done] Stan: [being interviewed] "Really? You're gonna make us all listen to it again 'cause you couldn't understand? Really?" Michael: Let's get out there and get zippin'! [everyone rises and heads out of the waiting room] Kyle: Jesus Christ! Cartman: Finally! Narrator: The boys think their ordeal is over, but what they don't realize is that things are about to go from bad to worse. Scene Description: Outside Backcountry Adventures Michael: Here we go guys! Zipliniiin'! [goes into an open-leg stance, makes a fist with his left hand, holding out the thumb and pinkie] Guide 1: [a woman, waiting by a van that has been out earlier in the day] Everyone just step on in the shuttle. [opens the van's sliding door. The zipliners head for it] Stan: ...Shuttle? Kyle: How, how long do we have to take the shuttle? Michael: It's about forty-five minutes. Narrator: It's a devastating blow. For Kyle, it's almost too much to bear. [a look at Kyle's brain] His brain is already lacking excitement, and now just the word "shuttle" makes Kyle's brain fire neurons [this is shown] that bring up memories of just how lame shuttles can be. [two images of overloaded shuttle buses appear, then footage of the Space Shuttle Challenger going up and exploding, and Kyle is scared] Cartman: Well, come on, we don't have a choice. [leads the others to the shuttle van.] Scene Description: The shuttle ride, later. It sure is bumpy. Michael: Alright guys, should be about forty five minutes to the freshest nar nar. Why don't we go around the van and get to know each other a little bit? Stan: Uh that's okay. Man 3: Well my name's Pete Nichols and this is my wife Donna, and uh... make a long story short, we came out here to see our relatives who live down in Moab. They uhhh been livin' there about twenty years now, and uh, long story short, they told us that as long as we were in the Rockies we should try ziplining, so, long story short, we looked around in the newspapers and on the Internet and... on billboooards, and... you know, make a long story short, we found this company and thought we'd give 'er a try, so then we called and, we made a reservation, and that's when, you know, long story short, we just thought- [Cartman begins to mutter angrily] Narrator: [hour 2] It's almost three o'clock, and the boys are still on the shuttle. Michael: We're gettin' close. Are you guys gettin' psyched?! Adults: Wooo! Narrator: But what the boys don't realize is that a massie storm is brewing. [Cartman is drinking some Mountain Dew from a can. The camera looks around the van] Last night, Eric Cartman had kung pao spaghetti from California Pizza Kitchen. [the camera goes down Eric's esophagus] Inside Eric's stomach, the kung pao has just met with the Del Taco he ate for breakfast. It has already started to tear down the layers of barbeque BK toppers that have been building up for months. [the camera comes back up the esophagus and out Cartman's mouth] And now, to compensate for all the annoying tourists, Eric is ingesting massive amounts of Mountain Dew. [the camera goes back down Cartman's throat] The caffeine and sugar turn the soupy fast-food liquid in his stomach into a toxic gas. [a quick journey through the intestines is shown] When the gas is released, it carries with it tiny particles of Eric's fecal matter. [the sphincter is shown] Fecal matter which floats up and into Kyle's nasal passage. [this is shown, along with Kyle's reaction] Kyle: Dude, did you fart?! Cartman: Mmmm, no? Michael: Alright buys, we're here! [The van pulls up to the first entrace to Zipline Adventures. Both Stan and Kenny look sleepy] Stan: Thank God. [everyone is out of the van as Guide 1 goes up to the launch pad two stories up. The pad is attached to a pine tree] Michael: Alright, here we are. Looks like we got some good nar to zipline through today. Uh, but before we climb up and start ziplining, does anyone care to know about these trees' biology? Cartman: The trees' biology? Michael: We are running a little late, but if anyone really wants to know, we could take a few minutes. Stan: I think we're good. Man 2: [raises his left hand] I'd like to know about the biology of the trees. Michael: Okay, well, this is a Ponderosa pine. It covers a more extensive area than other Ameri- Stan: [being interviewed] So after Asshole gets his biology lesson, we finally get to go ziplining! [Cartman is hooked up] Michael: Alright, remember to keep your clear of the cable and just let your equipment do the work. [a shot of the tour group] Now, when you're about halfway down the zipline, the camera's gonna take your picture, so when I call out "Shockabra!", look up and give the camera a nice "shockabra" [two fists with thumbs and pinkies extended]. Alright, you ready? Cartman: Yeah. [Michael shortens the strap between Cartman and the zipline, and holds him up] Michael: Ready to do some ZIPPIN'? Cartman: Yeah. Michael: Alright, let's hear you say "Zipliiine!" Cartman: Zipliiine. [Michael sends him on his way] Michael: [voice-over] Shockabra! [Cartman holds out his fists as indicated above and the camera takes his picture] Guide 1: Woohoo! Alright, nice zip! Kyle: Well? How was it, Cartman? Cartman: Totally fuckin' stupid, dude! Stan: [as Kyle is prepped] Oh, really?? Cartman: Yeah dude, it's fuckin' boring as shit! Michael: Alright Kyle, give me a "Zipliiine!" Kyle: Zipline. [Michael sends him on his way] Michael: Shockabra! [does the fists. Kyle does the fists too and the camera takes his picture, but he's mad] Kyle: [being interviewed] It was like having the life sucked out of you. That' all it is, sliding down a cable. Maybe without a tour group it'd be ...kind of fun. Maybe. But, this was just... a complete disaster. Narrator: After a grueling twenty minutes, waiting for everyone else to ride the zipline, the boys relaize they have just wasted hours of their time. And that, is when the unthinkable happens. Michael: Alright guys, let's get movin'! Only ten minutes till our next zipliiine! [the others cheer, but the boys are worried.] Cartman: [being interviewed] "The next zipline? What are you talking about?" Kyle: E-excuse me, w-we aren't going back now? Aren't we done? Michael: This is Zipline Tours. We got sixteen more to go. Stan: [being interviewed] And it was like WHAM. [makes a fist with his right hand and punches his left handn with it.] Kyle: STOP! Cartman: NOOOO! Guide: Everyone back in the shuttle! Kyle, Cartman: NOOOO! [the adults and a fifth kid get back into the van] Narrator: The boys realize that their ziplining nightmare has only just begun. [the boys scream and some scens of the next ziplines flash by: Michael sends someone down the zipline, he plays guitar during a break "led me through that"] Guide: Anyone have any questions about the creek we're about to cross? Man 2: Yes. Boys: AAAA! [shots of Kyle, Kenny, and Stan] Adults: "Ack" went the little frog one day. "Ack" went the little green frog... Cartman: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! [opening shots return] Michael: Let 'er rip! [sends Man 2 on his way] Man 4: Zipliiine! Narrator: Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from hell. Michael: Next zipline's up here, we call it the Terminator. Kyle: Wugh! Narrator: Trapped in an unforgiving mountain wilderness with a tour group. Pete: But, you know, to make a long story short, I woke up this morning and- [Woman 1 is shown going down, then man 1, then] Man 2: [with his wife] Could you get another picture of us? [hands Kyle the camera] Kyle: [frustrated] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! [a shot of the whole group is shown] Narrator: The fourth graders are in a nightmare they cannot escape. Cartman: [on his way down a zipline.] I'm so fucking bored! [Hour 3 arrives. Michael sends the next zipliner on down. The others cheer her on] Michael: Alright, you going next, Ricky? [hooks Ricky up and sends him down] The boys: [on the ground] Help! Somebody! Help us! [the adults on the launch pad cheer the next zipliner down] Kyle: It's no use. There's nobody around for miles. Stan: There could be a helicopter. Maybe one will fly overhead. Kyle: [grabs Stan's arms] Face it Stan! Nobody's coming for us! [another zipliner goes down] Zipliner: Zipline! Adults: Woohoo! Cartman: We should have never listened to you, Kyle. Kyle: Me?! Cartman: Yeah you! In the park this morning?! "I know, let's all go ziplining! We've never done that before!" Kyle: Oh no, don't try to pin this on me! You're the one who brought it up! Cartman: I brought it up because you already brought it up! Stan: [being interviewed] That's when I realized nobody remembered. Nobody remembered it was me who came up with the idea to go ziplining. Me. Kyle: You fat piece of shit! Cartman: Fuck you Kyle! Stan: Guys, guys, does it really matter whose idea it was?! Cartman, Kyle: Yes! Stan: Alright, look, we can make it, you guys. We can't panic. If the four of us don't zipline the tour will move faster. We are gonna make it out of here, okay? Narrator: But what the boys don't realize is that Eric's body is already shutting down from stage 4 diarrhea. [the camera goes down Cartman's throat.] Inside his stomach, bile has just dislodged an Arby's Ultimate Angus. In the average human, this would only cause mild diarrhea. [the camera goes back up his throat and out his mouth] But Eric Cartman is now drinking Double Dew, a Mountain Dew product with twice the sugar and caffeine of regular Mountain Dew. [the camera goes back in] His rancid feces is now rapidly converting to a thick paste. [a quick trip through Cartman's intestines, as before] The diarrhea shoots out of Eric's anus and into his underwear. [this is shown, and the smell wafts up into Kyle's nose] Eric Cartman is a ticking time bomb. Kyle: DUDE! Did you just shit your pants?! Cartman: Nnnn-mo... Stan: [being interviewed] So, I just tried to keep the tour group moving, as fast as possible. Michael: All right guys, this is where we're going to break for lunch. Guide: [standing in a covered lunch area] Come in by the waterfall, gang! [it's a small waterfall] Stan: Oh no, could, could we skip lunch and keep going? Man 2: Skip a free lunch? Not me! [runs to the lunch area. The other zipliners follow] Guide: Wo wants sandwiches? [pulls out sealed sandwiches from a portable ice box] We got ...turkey. [Man 2 takes that one] Ham. [another zipliner takes that one] Turkey ham. [another zipliner takes that one...] Pete: [in the background] Long story short, we picked up our bags and went to our hotel. [in the foreground the boys are sitting on their own log with the word HELP on the ground before them made with twigs and branches] Cartman: Oogh! Ugh! You guys, seriously! Something's wrong in my tummy! [keeps sipping the Double Dew] Kyle: The stop drinking Double Dew, fatass! Cartman: This is Diet Double Dew Kyle! It only has half the caffeine and sugar of Double Dew. [at the bottom of the can is a blurb saying "DEW THE MATH!"] Oh man, you guys, I gotta get to a bathroom fast. Kyle: You're in a forest! Go take a crap! Cartman: If I crap in the woods, the blood will attract beavers, Kyle! Stan: [runs up to the tour guides] Hey ah, I'm so sorry, but we have an emergency. Our friend is really really sick. Michael: Oh, you mean the little kid with the herpes? Stan: ...Yyyeah. Guide: That's not herpes, it's a cold sore. Michael: Right, sorry. Stan: Yeah, his, his cold sore is really bad, and uhh he's losing blood, so we've gotta go. Michael: Jesus, sorry dude, but we're at the summit. The only way down is to zip down. Some adults: Zipline! Wooo! Guide: What about the stables? Michael: Oh yeah, the stables. There's, there's a ranch right past that hill that rents out horses. I, I bet they can get you back. Kyle: [being interviewed] Suddenly, Stan says he knows about some horse stables. Ih it seemed too good to be true. Rancher: Now let me get this straight: You want four horses, one for each of ya? Stan: Yea, please! Rancher: Well I think we can set ya up. Kyle: Oh, thank God! Stan: You see guys? This is gonna be sweet after all. Rancher: Step right out here, we'll get you going. [leads the boys out to a horseback riding tour] Got four more for you, Duncan. [All the riders wave and say hello, and a few take pictures] Cartman: NOOO! [opening shots return] Narrator: Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from hell. Kyle: AAAAH! [the boys are now shown on horseback in this order: Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny] Cartman: [still aching] Eeeeugh. Narrator: Trapped in a tour group on horsback that is only allowed to travel four miles an hour. [the camera tries some dramatic moves] Kyle: Can we please go faster?! Kenny: (I can't take it!) Duncan: We got some lunch set up for ya up ahead. Some turkey sandwiches and Diet Double Dew. Kyle: AAAAAAAAAAH! Cartman: Uh oh. [lets out a wet fart] Rider 1: [to Kyle] So anyway, long story short, I was born in 1953 at six in the morning. Narrator: An attempt to make a bad day better becomes a descent into madness on... "I Should Have Never Thought Horseback Riding Would Be Any Better Than Ziplining" Scene Description: The lunch site, moments later. Duncan: This here waterfall is called Heartbreak Falls. Would you all like to know why it's called Heartbreak Falls? Rider 2: Well I certainly would! [Other riders do too. Nearby, Kyle has collapsed] Stan: Kyle. Kyle? Kyle, come on, wake up! Kyle: Just go. Go without me. Stan: No, we're not leaving you here, Kyle! Kyle: I can't take it anymore. [his voice gets weaker] Why do people say "long story short"? They're not making it short, Stan. Stan: [being interviewed] I just sat there, watching Kyle die and... I wanted to tell him the truth right then and there. But then this... fire rose up inside of me, I... I thought "I can find us a way out!" I ran off and went searching for, I don't know how long. Twelve minutes? And that's when I found it. Stan: [returns from his search quite excited] You guys, you guys! Get up! Listen to me! There's a lake a hundred yards down that way! They've got a marina with boats just sitting there! Cartman: A marina? Stan: We can take a boat, you guys! We can probably take it all the way back to Fairplay! Kyle: What's the point? Stan: Come on you guys! A boat all to ourselves? It'll be fun! What could possibly go wrong?! [an announcer says the following lines] Scene Description: "The following program contains graphic re-enactments that may be disturbing to some audience members." The marina. This is the live-action segment of the episode Narrator: Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from hell. [shots of the boys screaming on various parts of the boat] Trapped on a 42-foot powerboat [named Puffin] which is only allowed to go five miles an hour. [some footage is dropped to speed up the boat in time-lapse form] Kyle: Because we keep getting screwed over by your diarrhea! Cartman: Well it's not my diarrhea's fault that you took us all ziplining, you fuckin' Jew! Kyle: Ziplining was your idea, you fatass! Narrator: The fourth graders are in a nightmare they cannot escape. Cartman: Kenny, whose idea was it to go ziplining? Mine, or Kyle's? Kenny: [slurring his speech] I don't know. I really don't give a shit. Narrator: For four elementary school boys, an alrady tragic day becomes a descent into madness on... "I Should Have Never Got On A Goddamn Boat" [more shots of the boys on the Puffin] Kyle: Oh no. [Cartman lowers a 20-oz. bottle of Mountain Dew] You're not stinking up the entire boat! You're taking a crap off the side into the water! Scene Description: "The events in this film took place over 4 hours in the Colorado Rockies." Cartman is shitting over the side of the boat, Stan screams, Kyle and Kenny vomit over other sides, Cartman continues to shit Kenny: Beavers! [a beaver is swimming in the water] Scene Description: "This is a true story." Scene Description: The boys are resting on a bench on the boat now Narrator: After cleaning Cartman's diarrhea and fighting off beavers, the boys have made a terrifying discovery: that boating is just as boring as ziplining. Stan: [being interviewed] The boat went really slow and it just went round and round. Cartman: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Narrator: If the boys fall asleep now, from the lack of excitement, they could die. [Stan looks ready to sleep. Cartman takes a swig of Mountain Dew] Kyle: Here! [takes Cartman's bottle] Everyone drink some Mountain Dew! Kyle: [being interviewed] I don't know, I-I just thought if we all drank the Mountain Dew, the caffeine and the sugar would help us stay awake. I told Cartman he has to share it. Cartman: I'm not sharing with Kenny. He has herpes! Kenny: Hey. [tugs on Cartman, who turns to look at him] Fuck you, Cartman. Scene Description: The Puffin, some time later Narrator: Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from hell. [individual shots of the boys. They all have oral herpes now] And just when it seems it can't get any worse... [the boys are nodding off again] Stan: ...Kenny? Kenny! [Kenny has slid down on the seat, but his eyes are open] Narrator: Kenny McCormick has died of boredom. Kyle: Oh my God, they killed Kenny! YOU BASTARDS! Cartman: No, not they, YOU! Look what your ziplining idea has done! You killed Kenny, YOU're the bastard! Kyle: IT WASN'T MY IDEA, IT WAS YOURS! YOU KILLED KENNY, YOU BASTARD! Stan: [being interviewed] And finally, I couldn't hold it in anymore. I said "Stop it!" Stan: [rises and walks a bit] Stop it! It was me! My idea. Cartman: You?! Stan: Four days ago, I came across a brochure for ziplining. [reaches into his pocket and pulls out the brochure for Backcountry Adventures, then looks at it for a few seconds] I thought it would be fun. I only acted like it was an idea we all came up with together. [Kyle and Cartman look at each other] Kyle: So you intended for us to go ziplining all along? Why, Stan?! Stan: [turns to face them] If you signed up three friends, you got a free iPod Nano. [the camera pans down and sure enough, the offer is on the brochure cover: Sign up 3 friends and get an iPod NANO!!!] Kyle: You sold us out?! For an iPod Nano?! Stan: I had no idea ziplining would be so boring. Cartman: [points at Stan] You... You killed Kenny! [Stan begins to weep] Kyle: You BAStard! You BAStard, Stan! [a shot of Kenny, then a shot of the three surviving boys crying. Kyle cries on Cartman's shoulder and Cartman comforts him] Kyle: [being interviewed] How many iPod Nanos is friendship worth? I guess, one. Stan: [being interviewed, crying] The hardest part about it is knowing you can't take it back. [wipes away the flowing tears] I mean, it was the fifth-generation Nano, so I can't trade it in anywhere. Narrator: But then, miraculously, the boys' prayers are finally answered. [the boys look around, startled] Cartman: [being interviewed] It was a miracle. He came to save us and take us back home. Cartman: You came for us! Kyle: Mr. Hankey! Stan: Thank you. [whispers] Mr. Hankey. [Mr. Hankey has landed on the boat, at the top of an armrest] Mr. Hankey: [without the falsetto voice] Howdy ho, boys? Let's get you back home. [the boys are overjoyed at their good fortune] Cartman: [being interviewed] We were saved. It was over. Narrator: After nearly four hours in the Colorado wilderness, the boys are finally going home. From the boat, the boys were airlifted aboard Mr. Hankey's magical helicrapter. [shown, the images are back to the cartoon form] In the four hours since they had left home, the boys had traveled so far that Mr. Hankey then had to fly them on his Seven Turdy Seven. [a jet plane made of poo] From there, it was only an hour ride back home on the Poochoo Express. [The ziplining Shockabra pictures are shown] Four friends, turn apart by tragedy [Kenny's image vanishes, leaving the forest background in place], would now start the long journey back to forgiveness. Kenny McCormick's remains were finally brought home to his parents. [Mr. Hankey delivers them personally. The parents are distraught] And the boys received treatment for their herpes. [two paramedics treat Stan and Cartman as Mr. Hankey looks on from above. Stan and Cartman focus on Mr. Hankey.] Cartman: [being interviewed] No, I didn't get herpes, I just had a cold sore. Narrator: [shots of the scenes being described are shown] Kyle Broflovski spent twenty seven days in the hospital having fecal matter removed from his nasal passages. Stan Marsh dedicated himself to raising awareness about the boredom risks of ziplining. [a lecture tour. Stan is shown on stage with a "No on Ziplining" logo] His awareness videos became so popular that Stan once again ended up jacking it in San Diego. As for Eric Cartman, [shown as a mountaineer] he refused to let the tragedy stop him from doing what he loves most. In just two weeks, he was back to drinking Diet Double Dew, defiant to dew the math. Cartman: [being interviewed] It's diet, dude. Diet soda doesn't give you diarrhea. [takes a long sip]

Scene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway, day. The kids are milling around as Butters' wail is heard. Butters: [runs across the hallway] Fellas! Fellas! Fellas! [spots them in another hallway and runs to them] AAAAH, fellas! Stan: What? [most of the fourth grade boys gather around] Butters: [stops and catches his breath, then jabs his right index finger at the floor] Guess what Larry Barsky just told me?! Cartman: What? Butters: [jabs his finger again] Guess! Kyle: Just tell us, Butters. Butters: There's a new girl that started school here today. And she's joined the cheerleading squad. Craig: Oh, we have a new cheerleader? Clyde: What's she look like? Kenny: (Yeah, what's her name?) Cartman: [taking control of the situation] Alright guys, alright! If there is a new girl at our school, we're not gonna start putting claims on her and getting into big fights! It's gonna be her choice who she likes the most. Scene Description: The school gym, moments later. Some double doors are open and Butters peeks in. The other boys gather behind him, and soon all their jaws drop. Butters: Look, look, there she is. [near the bleachers opposite the doors are five girls: Red, Wendy, Bebe, Lola, and Jenny. Between Wendy and Bebe are two pompoms waiting for a sixth cheerleader, who arrives shortly. It's a black girl. The other five girls begin talking to her all at once] Cartman: Oh my God. Token, aren't you stoked? [Token looks over at him. The girls start practicing] Aww, that's awesome, Token. I'm happy for you. Token: [anger flashes across his face] Why?! Why are you happy for me?! Cartman: Dude, I'm being seriously. You guys will be really cute together. What are you gonna say to her? Token: Nothing! [walks away] Cartman: [confused] What the? ...Oh, Token's shy. Oh my God, that is adorable. Scene Description: Fourth Grade class, some time later. Mr. Garrison is at the blackboard teaching the class about Game of Thrones Mr. Garrison: And so what we start to see now is a pattern in world history much like the Greeks and the Romans. Remember that there were seven families fighting for control of the land of Westeroth. The king of Westeroth was who? Robert Baratheon [circles BARATHEON on the board], and he asked Eddard, also known as, of course, Lord Stark, to serve as hand of the king. You remember that Lord Stark accepted, or course. The queen's family - that's the Lannisters - were really trying back then to take control, weren't they? So where were the Targaryens at this time? Well, they were across the sea. We all talked about how they were also trying to take the throne. So we've got the Greeks, the Romans, the Starks, Lannisters, Baratheons, Targaryens, all headed for a big blowout right in Season 2. Now, what I really wanted to get into today is what was going on in the north, because that's just a whole other mess- [during the lecture, the following takes place] Cartman: [fairly whispering throughout, beginning when Mr. Garrison mentions Lord Stark. He sits between Token and the new girl and grins as he looks at each of them by turn] Dude... Token! [jerks his head a bit in the girl's direction and points at her] Token. Dude. [Token looks at him, then goes back to taking notes. Cartman smiles] Psst. Token. [points to the girl again, but puts his right hand up so she doesn't notice. Token is annoyed] Go ahead. Go ahead dude. Token! Yeah, get in there. Kyle: [annoyed as well] Will you shut the hell up?! [goes back to taking notes. Cartman finally picks up his pen, but doesn't write anything] Cartman: ...Token. You want me to pass her a jelly bean? Token: [whispers back] No! Cartman: Huh? Token: [louder] No! Mr. Garrison: [stops talking and turns to the class] Token, is there a problem? [Token is a loss for words, but Cartman fields this question] Cartman: Ah, he's just a little sick, Mr. Garrison. He's got boneritis. [begins to laugh at his own joke] Right guys? [tries to hold the laugh in] Mr. Garrison: Everyone pay attention! [goes back to the board] Now, what I really wanna get into today is what was going on in the north, because that's just a whole other mess that's pretty hard to keep straight, isn't it? The Night's Watch- [while Garrison resumes his lesson, Cartman resumes his prodding] Cartman: [quickly looks at the girl and at Token] Token. [leans back in his seat so Token has a clear view of the girl] Dude, dude. Dude. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway. Bebe and Red are at Bebe's locker, talking. Red: So then Kelly I guess told Stacey that she wasn't invited, so now Stacey's pissed at us. Cartman: [approaching] Hey, guys? Can I talk to you? Bebe: [shuts her locker] Why?! Cartman: [motions to his left] Just, can I talk to you, real quick? [walks the girls over to the end of the hallway] What kind of stuff is the new girl saying about Token? Red: About Token? Why? Cartman: Well, Token's really shy, so, I'm just here, sort of on his behalf 'cause, you know. Bebe: Token likes Nichole? Cartman: Yeah, of course. [the girls look at each other] Red: Oh yeah, I don't think she has any idea. Cartman: Yeah, so, could you guys just let her know that, you know, she might have to make the first move? Bebe: Okay. Cartman: Thanks, you guys. Scene Description: Bebe's basement, day. She and the other five cheerleaders are playing the board game, Living. Lola rolls the dice and releases them. Lola: [moves up four steps] One two three four, sorry Bebe. Bebe: Oh, that's okay. [the girls laugh about it] So, Nichole, guess what? One of the boys here already has a crush on you. Lola, Jenny, Red, and Wendy: Ohhh. Nichole: Oh my gosh, who? Red: That boy Token. Wendy: Oh he's really nice, Nichole. I dated him for a little while. [the other girls chime in, showing their support. The camera pulls back a bit, and Cartman is shown eavesdropping just outside a basement window] Nichole: Oh jeez, thanks you guys, but to be totally honest, I kinda think this other boy is cute. Bebe: [excited] Who? Whowhowhowho? Nichole: That kid, with the orange coat and the green hat? Wendy: Oh, you mean Kyle? Nichole: Yeah. The Girls: Ooooh, Kyle. Cartman: WHAT?! KYLE?! [the girls don't hear him] Bebe: Nichole loves Kyle! Nichole and Kyle sittin' in a tree. The Girls: K-I-S-S-O-M-G! Nichole: Haha, shut up you guys! It's just a crush. [the girls laugh while Cartman gets livid] Cartman: Motherfucker! [gets up and runs off] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. The girls are practicing on the football field as three random boys watch from the bleachers The Girls: We are Cows, proud and true! Count on South Park, moo moo moo! Goooo Cows! [Cartman approaches Nichole] Cartman: Hey, ah, Nichole, right? Nichole: Yeah. [Wendy stops practicing] Cartman: Can I talk to you for a second, just for a second, right over here? [takes her to another set of bleachers nearby] Listen uh, I heard through the grapevine that you've got a thing for Kyle? Nichole: [taken aback] Oh no, who told you that? Cartman: Just, the grapevine. Um, there's something you should probably know. [fakes a sweat] Oh man this is hard. Um, the thing is, me and Kyle are kind of, you know ...together? Nichole: Ohhh. Cartman: Yeah, he's my man. I'm more out than Kyle is, but... it sucks, because he acts like we're not a couple at school because he's embarrassed, but... we get home and he's the best boyfriend I've ever had. Nichole: Wow, I-I'm sorry. I totally respect that. [puts her right hand on his left shoulder] Hey, thanks a lot for telling me. Cartman: Cool, just, you know, don't touch me 'cause I'm not into girls, so it kind of grosses me out. Nichole: [withdraws her hand] Oh, I'm sorry. Cartman: Yeah, kewl. Anyway, thanks a lot and just, you know, stay away from my man, bitch. [snaps his fingers and walks away] Scene Description: The hallway, later. Kyle is at his locker putting some books away. Nichole approaches him Nichole: Hey, uh, I just wanna let you know, if you ever need somebody to talk to, I'm here. Kyle: Oh, thanks. [smiles. Nichole turns and walks away, smiling. Kyle sees Craig and Timmy nearby and runs towards them] Dude, that new girl's into me! Scene Description: Another hallway. Cartman hides around the corner and makes like he's real cool, wearing shades and with hands in his jacket pockets, one foot resting on the wall. Butters walks past him on the cross-hallway without noticing Cartman: Psst Butters. Butters! [Butters stops and notices, then walks over to Cartman] At the end of PE class, tell Nichole that the gym teacher wants some towels delivered to the boys' locker room. Butters: How come? Cartman: [takes off his shades] Let's just say that by this time tomorrow, Token and Nichole are gonna be practically married. Butters: Are you sure, Eric? I mean, maybe they just aren't meant for each other. Cartman: No no. [walks him towards the camera] Love is like taking a dump, Butters. Sometimes it works itself out, but sometimes, you've gotta give it a nice hard slimy push. Scene Description: The football field, after PE. Nichole packs her pompoms away as Butters arrives with towels for Nichole to deliver Butters: Oh hey, Nichole? Coach wants you to take these to the boys' locker room. [hands her the towels] Nichole: Oh, he does? [Butters nods] Okay. Scene Description: The boys' locker room. Token is taking a shower alone when Cartman leans in to check on him, then walks away. The other boys are changing into their regular clothes. Cartman: Guys! Guys, get outside! It's the Bat-Mobile! Bat-Mobile, you guys! [the boys make a break for the front of the school and exit the front doors] Scene Description: In front of the school. Craig: Where? Jimmy: I-I don't see a b-b-Bat-Mobile. Scene Description: Back at the gym, Nichole reaches the boys' locker room, opens the door, and backs into the room. Cartman looks from around a corner and sees her go in. He has a chain and lock with him, and as soon as the door closes he goes and locks them with the chain Nichole: [keeps walking, unaware of what Cartman just did] Hello?? Token: [walks in dressed in a towel and drying his face with another] AAA! Nichole: OH! Oh gosh I'm so sorry! Token: Where is everybody? What's goin' on?? Nichole: Coach wanted me to... [winces] I'm sorry. [drops the towels, turns and goes back to the doors. She tries to open them but can't] Scene Description: The neighborhood, afternoon. Some of the students are walking together: Kyle, Craig, and Timmy in back, Lola and Jenny up front. Kyle: Hey guys. Guys! Hold up. [runs up to the girls, who stop and turn to face him] Hey uhm, you're kind of friends with that Nichole girl, right? Jenny: Yeah? Kyle: Well... what kind of stuff does she like? Do you know? Lola: She likes... movies, cats. Jenny: [to Lola] She likes basketball. Kyle: Ogh. Oh cool, she likes basketball? That's perfect! Thanks, you guys! Lola: Well- Hey Kyle, [he stops and returns] we were gonna head over to the mall. You wanna go with us? Kyle: Oh. Uh, can't right now, but maybe another time. See ya! [runs off] Jenny: Guess he has a crush on Nichole. Lola: [looks away for a moment] I don't think so. I heard Kyle swings for the same team. Jenny: Really?! Kyle: [back with Craig and Timmy] It's perfect! I could take her to a basketball game. [looks back at the girls, who look at him, then giggle as he turns back to the boys] Man, I-I don't know what's happenin', but... it seems like all the girls are... kind of into me lately. [looks back at the girls and waves. They grin and wave back] Scene Description: Back in the locker room, Token tries to get himself and Nichole out, but groans and doesn't get anywhere Token: Hey! In here! [punches the door] Nichole: You think the janitors are still here? Token: Don't worry. It's gonna be okay. We've got water, and, and maybe somebody even left some food laying around. Come on. [takes her around the locker room. Nichole notices a table with food and some other things on it] Nichole: Look! [walks to the table] Somebody left a deli platter. [Token joins her] And board games. And massage oil. Token: Oh... Good. Scene Description: The school, just after sunrise. Firefighters have arrived at the locker room and have snapped the chain in two with bolt cutters. Scene Description: The school, out front. The firefighters have taken Token and Nichole outside and left them alone as they leave. Nichole: Well that was sure an interesting night. Token: It sure was. Nichole: Hey, thanks a lot for making me feel safe in there. That could have been really scary. Token: Yeah. Now that it's over, I... I guess it was kind of fun. [smiles] Nichole: Yeah, it kind of was. Maybe... I-I don't know. Maybe we should get some lunch tomorrow. Cartman: [hiding in the bushes, weeping silently] Oh my God, sooo cute. Token: I'd like that. Nichole: Cool. Well... thanks again. [they hug each other] Cartman: [sweetly] Ohhhhh my God. Cupid Me: [pops out of Cartman's head] We did it, Eric. We found them each other's ray of sunshine. Cartman: You're my ray of sunshine, Cupid Me. [tickles the little cupid] Cupid Me: Teeheeheehee. [pops back into Cartman's head, leaving behind a trail of hearts] Scene Description: Montage. Cartman sings "I Swear" as Token and Nichole get to know each other better. Cartman: I see the questions in your eyes I know what's weighing on your mind You can be sure I know, my heart Girl I'll stand beside you through the years You'll only cry those happy tears And though I make mistakes, I'll never break your heart I swear by the moon and the stars in the sky I'll be there I swear (I swear) like a shadow that's by your side (Keep it down, girl) I'll be there For better or worse (better or worse), till death do us part (death do us part) I'll love you with every black beat of my heart And I swear. I swear. I s-we-e-e-ear Yeah, I swear. Straight up. What it do? Scene Description: South Park Elementary, playground, recess. As the kids play and chatter, Token is pushing Nichole on a swing, then he tickles Nichole and she giggles. Cartman is rather pleased with how things are progressing between Token and Nichole Cartman: Did you see that? Token was gonna push her, but then he tickled her instead. [behind him, on the merry-go-round, are Stan, Kenny, and Butters. Stan and Kenny are playing with a ball.] Stan: Dude, why are you so into their relationship? Cartman: I don't know, it's just so... perfect. [Stan and Kenny resume playing] Kyle: You motherfucker! [runs into view and punches Cartman, who falls on his face] Cartman: Kyle, Jesus Christ! Kyle: What the hell are you doing telling people that we're a gay couple?! Cartman: Oh, heard that through the grapevine, did you? Kyle: The new girl liked me, and so you lied to her! Cartman: Somebody had to intervene, Kyle! You were standing in the way of Token and Nichole! They belong together! Kyle: Just because two people are the same race doesn't mean they belong together, you fat racist piece of fucking garbage! Cartman: Oh! Oh, I'm a racist, huh?! I'm a racist! It's how nature works, Kyle! Look! Look, what about Luke Covina and Maria Sanchez? [points to a Hispanic couple riding play elephants] Is it a coincidence they ended up together?! Stan: Actually, I heard they're together because they got locked in the school gym overnight a few months ago. Cartman: Oh did they? I hadn't heard about that. Cupid Me: [reappears, and Cartman smiles at him] Teehee, that was us, remember, Eric? Cartman: Shh, quiet, Cupid Me. Kyle: What? Cartman: Nothing. Kyle: Who is Cupid Me? Cartman: Nobody. Kyle: You are gonna tell everyone that you lied and that we aren't a couple! Cartman: Why, Kyle?! So you can try and ruin things for Token and Nichole?! Look at how happy they are! [can't fault him there. Nichole giggles again. Kyle looks defeated] Is it that you want to ruin that or are you just homophobic?! Kyle: Goddamnit! [walks away angrily] Scene Description: Nichole's house, night. Inside, she and her parents are eating dinner: turkey, mashed potatoes, veggies. Nichole begins to fiddle with her food and look at the ceiling dreamily. Dad: [clears his throat] Nichole? Your mother tells me that you already have a boyfriend at school. Nichole: His name is Token. He's really nice. Dad: Well that's good. But... your mother tells me that this boy is... black. Nichole: So? Dad: Well, Nichole, it's just... You know, just because you're black doesn't mean you can only date black boys. It's just a little weird that we moved to this whole new place and you're immediately drawn to the one other black person. Mom: Oh stop, William. There's nothing wrong with her dating a black person. William: I'm not saying it's wrong, I'm just saying... she's gonna have to deal with racist people out there! People turning their heads and saying, "Oh, look at the two black people together. That figures!" Nichole: It's not like that, Dad. We just happen to like each other. I know it seems like a strange coincidence, but it really is. A coincidence. Mom: And we are very happy for you, sweetheart. Here, have some more turkey. William: Yeah, just try the white meat. I know it's a little dry, but... there's a lot more of it. Scene Description: Cartman's house, night. He's pounding on the bathroom door. Cartman: Come on! [pounds on the door some more] Other people have to use the bathroom, you know? Can you hurry it up in there?! [pounds on the door some more. The door opens and Cupid Me floats out] Cupid Me: Teeheeheehee, teehee. Cartman: Jesus Christ, Cupid Me, you givin' birth in there?! Cupid Me: [giggles] Sorry. [Cartman goes in] Cartman: That's- Oh, oh, Cupid Me! [covers his nose with his bath robe] Sick! What the fuck have you been eating?! Cupid Me: Teeheeheeheeheehee. Cartman: Dude, at least flush the toilet! [walks over to it] Aww, it's cute, it's little chocolate hearts. Cupid Me: They're fudgey charms of sunshine. Cartman: You're my fudgey charm of sunshine. Come here, you! [tries to catch Cupid Me, but Cupid Me keeps away] Cupid Me: Teeheeheehee, teeheeheeheehee. [flits here and there] Cartman: I'm gonna get you! [chases Cupid Me out of the bathroom] Cupid Me: Teeheehee, no! [flits on down the hall] Cartman: I almost got you! Almost! [Liane walks out of her room with clean laundry, and there's no sign of Cupid Me] Liane: [sees Cartman dancing around] Everything okay, sweetie? Cartman: Everything's great, Mom. [to the invisible Cupid Me] No! Come back here and flush the toilet, you silly! Noohoho! [dances away] Scene Description: Nichole's room, evening. She checks out the teddy bear she thinks she got from Token. She reads the tag: "To My Boo." She turns the tag over and reads it, her smile vanishing: "'Cuz Blacks Belong Together" Nichole: Oh no... Scene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. Token is at his locker in the hallway, and Nichole approaches him. Token closes his locker door, not noticing her coming. Nichole: [sad] Hey Token. Token: [smiles and turns around] Hey Nichole. Nichole: Can I talk to you for a sec? Token: Sure! [she takes him to the same drinking fountain Kyle took Jenny and Lola to earlier] What's up? Nichole: Listen, I... ugh, I don't think this is gonna work out. Token: Oh. Nichole: I'm so sorry. It's just... I don't believe we're really on the same page, you know? Token: Okay... Nichole: I think you're really great... W-w-we just... Token: I think... you're really great. Nichole: ...I'm sorry. Token: Yeah. I'm sorry too. I'll see you around. [turns and walks away sadly] Nichole: Okay. [she turns towards the drinking fountain] Scene Description: Cartman's room, that afternoon. Cartman is devastated. Cartman: [crying inconsolably, sometimes sneezing into a tissue] It's not fair! They were so... happy! Butters: [holding Cartman's right hand] It's gonna be okay, Eric. Cartman: It's NOT gonna be okay! Why did they break up?! They were meant for each other! Butters: They'll find love somewhere else. Cartman: No, they won't! Butters: Yes, they will. Cartman: No, they won't! Fuck you Butters, you're an asshole! Cupid Me: [pops out again] Teeheehee. Looks like somebody could use a little arrow of sunshine. Cartman: And you! I should have never believed in you! Butters: In... In who, Eric? Cartman: [grabs the imaginary cupid] I never wanna see you again! [hurls it into his closet door. It flies low. Cartman gets out of bed, grabs a bat that's conveniently leaning against his bedroom door, and bashes the cupid over and over] Take! Your sunshine! And fuckin'! Die! [puts the bat up against the door and crawls back into bed. Butters takes Cartman's hand again and Cartman resumes crying] Scene Description: The park, late afternoon. Token is sitting alone on the park bench. Kyle walks by and notices him there. A few seconds later, he walks up. Kyle: Hey man. You okay? Token: Yeah. Kyle: [sits next to him] What happened? It just didn't work out? Token: Yeah, I guess. Kyle: So, you guys are totally broken up then? It's... It's done? Token: [long sigh] Yeah. Kyle: [scratches his head behind the ear] So then, she's gonna be seeing other people? Is she, sort of, available? Token: Yeah, we're through. Kyle: Sooo, theoretically, if someone was to step in, it would beee, okayyy? Token: [getting the wrong idea] I'm sorry Kyle. I like girls. [gets off the bench and walks away] Kyle: Huh? [suddenly remembers] Dude, what the fuck? Scene Description: Cartmans house, afternoon. Cartman is in the living room watching TV in the dark, wrapped in a blanket and eating chocolate fudge ice cream. Announcer: We'll be back with more of the Jeffersons right after this. Scene Description: Commercial. A businessman finishes his work day. Man: [leaves his office] I work hard, so I need a laxative that works hard too! [walks off. Next he's on the ground floor] I can't be constipated on the job. [stops and holds up a box] That's why I need... Soft Serve. [at a tennis court. He serves] Because when I'm constipated, sometimes even a hard push isn't enough. [Cartman's interest is aroused. In the commercial the man is heading for the restroom. Another businessman comes out and the first one stops him] Don't give up. Get back in there and get to work! [now trying to poop in the toilet] 'Cause when the going gets tough, the tough gets going! Cartman: That's right... That's right! [runs up to his room, goes into his closet and digs through his stuff until he finds the shoe box he put Cupid Me into after whacking him almost to death. He takes off the lid] Ohhh. [Cupid Me is shown laying face down battered and bruised, with a dry blood stream still near his mouth] I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have doubted you. Please come back. I know I got a little angry but... I believe in you. Do you hear me? I believe in you. Cupid Me: No, you don't. Cartman: Yes, I do, Cupid Me. Love is the bestest feeling in the world. I believe you can change everything. Cupid Me: No, you don't. [opens its right eye for a second] Cartman: Please, I can't do this alone. They need us. And I need you. My little flicker of twinkle stars. [tickles the cupid] Cupid Me: Teehee, stop it. Cartman: Come on, twinkle stars, we got work to do. Cupid Me: Teeheehee, teeheeheehee, [flies out of the box] teeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee. Scene Description: Nichole's house, day. Cartman pounds on her door, and her father William answers. Cartman: Hi, can I speak to Nichole please? It's very important. William: I'm sorry, but she's at the Denver Nuggets game. Cartman: Denver Nuggets game? William: Yeah, she went with a nice white, Jewish boy. Cartman: [dolly zoom] NOOOOOOO! [runs away quickly] Scene Description: The Pepsi Center, around 7 pm. The bleachers are filled with cheering fans waiting for the game to begin. Announcer: Welcome to today's matchup between the Denver Nuggets and the Los Angeles Clippers. [the starting five from both teams take the court. A vendor hands Kyle two drinks, one of which he gives to Nichole. They look at each other fondly and take sips from their sodas.] And now, here to sing the National Anthem, country music star Brad Paisley. [he stands at center court and waves as a spotlight shines on him] Brad Paisley: O! say can you see by the dawn's early light, What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming, Whose broad stripes and bright stars- [As Brad sings, Kyle and Nichole look at each other and smile, then look at Brad. Nichole notices someone clear across the center. It's Token, with Craig and Clyde. Token still has a heavy heart, keeping his eyes focused on the floor while Craig and Clyde smile. Kyle looks at Nichole, who's still surprised to see Token there, and grins at her. She looks back at Kyle and smiles.] Scene Description: Outside, a tour bus drops Cartman off near the center and Cartman runs for it. Cartman: Nooooooo! Scene Description: Inside. Announcer: Nuggets fans, please direct your attention to center court and the president of Halitosis Kidz. [she's shown on the MegaTron waving to the spectators behind four men who are holding a Halitosis Kidz banner], who invites you to join the Denver Nuggets in the fight against morbid halitosis in children. [POV change from MegaTron to center court] Here to attempt a three-point shot for adolescents with terminally bad breath is [two of the men leave with the banner and an obese girl steps forward] the poster child for Halitosis Kidz, Stacy Muleburg. [the two other men cover their noses with their Denver team jackets as one of them hands Stacy the ball. She rushes up and throws the ball, but it's a brick] And a good try. [the two Denver men, two cameramen, the announcer, and the HK president all gather round her] Stacy: Aaahahahaaaa. Adults: Awww! [they all back away as fast as they can. The spectators clap for the effort. Kyle and Nichole clap as well] Cartman: [running into the center] NOOOOOOO! [triggers an alarm] Guard: Tickets please. Cartman: No time! NOOOOOOO! Announcer: We're all set for the tipoff. [The ball is thrown into the air and a Clipper tips the ball. A Nugget - Arron Afflalo - grabs it and the game begins. Afflalo throws it to JaVale McGee for an alley-oop, and McGee makes the first shot. The crowd cheers] Cartman: Attention! Attention please! [Kyle and Nichole are surprised to hear his voice. Cartman is on the MegaTron] This is a message for all of you out there who have just ended a relationship. Sometimes, love is hard. But you can't just run away from it. When you start to have something special you have to work at it! [Token is surprised to see Cartman there too, but Craig and Clyde are unfazed] Even though it might seem like the world is against you, you still have to hold on! With both hands! [Nichole begins to take this in] Don't let society dictate who you can and can't be with. Kyle, I love you babe. You can run all you want, try to pretend you like girls, but damnit, when we kiss there's magic! Don't let it go, Kyle. [Kyle is getting pissed off] Crowd: Awwwww. [everyone looks at Kyle] Cartman: I want to hold you every morning and love you every night, Kyle. I promise you nothing but love and happiness. I swear by the moon and the stars and the sky [Cartman and Kyle are paired on the MegaTron and the lovecam is activated - a heart appears over their images, Cartman on the left, Kyle on the right] I'll be there, Kyle I swear [Crowd: "Awwww." Kyle tries to push it all away] like the shadow that's by your side Kyle, swear to God I'll be there. For better or worse [Brad appears: "better or worse"], till death do us part [Brad: "death do us part"] I'll love you with [Cartman and Brad] every gay beat of my heart! Brad: I swear, Kyle. Cartman: I swear, Kyle. [the crowd erupts in applause, as do the players. Kyle leaves his seat, steaming mad] Nichole: Where are you going? Kyle: That fat turd up there is the one who set up you and Token 'cause he thinks blacks belong together! [walks away] Nichole: He did that? Oh no. Cartman: Thank you! Thank you all. That's all I wanted to say. That and... The Bat-Mobile's outside. [now with urgency] Seriously you guys, you gotta see it. It's the Bat-Mobile! It's outside. Spectator: What? [leaves his seat. Soon everyone is leaving the center, including the players from both teams. Token and Nichole find themselves looking at each other just outside the bleachers] Nichole: Token. Hey. Token: Hi. Nichole: Token, I'm so sorry. I thought you were only with me because I'm black. Token: I'm sorry too. I wouldn't even talk to you at first because you were black. [they turn aside for a moment to avoid each other] Both: Do you think we could... Do you still want to... [they smile at each other] Nichole: Maybe we can give it another try? Token: There are still people who will look at us funny. And think we're supposed to be together. Nichole: Let them look. I don't care. Token: I don't care, either. [Cartman has a camera trained on them, while he takes up the whole screen on the MegaTron, praying for this to work out] Nichole: I just think you're a great person. The color of your skin doesn't matter. Token: YAY! [they run to each other and hug each other] Cartman: Oh my gohhhd, so cute! [runs out of the control room. Cupid Me appears] Cupid Me: Teeheehee, a place for everything, and everything in its place. Cartman: That's right, Cupid Me. People who are the same belong together. Cupid Me: That's right, and I found somebody who's just the same as you! Cartman: Really?! Cupid Me: There she is! [points to Stacy, who turns around and growls at Cartman, showing her rotten teeth] Cartman: What?! Fuck you, Cupid Me! Cupid Me: Teeheeheeheehee, fuck you! [gives him the finger and then goes and shoots some arrows onto Stacy's face. Stacy's pupils become hearts] Cartman: Hey, stop it! Stacy: Haaagh! [Cartman spins around and runs. Stacy gives chase] Cartman: Nooo! Stacy: Haahahaagh!

Scene Description: Invesco Field, Denver, Colorado, night. A Goodyear blimp hovers over the packed stadium. The broncos face off against another team. Dan: [describing the action on the field] Artonius Jackson catches the ball [Jackson makes his way around a group of players], he's running down the sideline- [Jackson gets tackled to the ground by #48] Oh! Scene Description: the Marsh house. Randy, drinking some Smores beer, has the fourth graders over so they can study the game. Randy: BOHHHHH! Did you see that hit? BOOOOM! Dan: Jackson stops at the 45 and he is slow to get up. [once he's up, he dusts himself off.] Randy: That was a great hit boys. Remember that at practice tomorrow. Commentator: Yeah, Jackson took a real shot and... [Jackson dusts himself off and turns around] well I'm not sure what he's doing now, but uh, it appears as if he's looking for his keys, Dan. Dan: Yeah, and that doesn't make a lot of sense, because ever since his concussion in '06, he doesn't even have a license. Commentator: Coach Martin is coming over to tell him that now, but Jackson appears to think he's in a car driving home. [the coach tries to get his attention] Dan: Well, during this time out we're happy to be joined by the commissioner of the NFL, Roger Goodell. Commissioner, a lot of hoopla about concussions this year in the NFL. How's the league handling all that? Goodell: Well, there certainly are interesting statistics coming out, Dan, and we are deeply concerned, anduh and waiting to see if there's... really any direct correlation between football and head trauma. Dan: Oh, and it looks like some of the MFL alumni are takin' the field now. There's All-Pro safety Martin Gregors [fat, but the most lucid of the alumni. He stops and waves to the crowd], and fullback Jim Harris. Looks like his pants are down around his ankles. [Harris stops and waves] Commentator: Somebody should let him know. Oh, and Old Surehand Mike Tafthill [a black alumnus who's stooped and walking slowly holding an imaginary tray], who seems to be baking an imaginary cake, Dan. Dan: Yeah, not sure if that's meant to be a cake or, or perhaps a, a loaf of bread, but he definitely thinks he's baking something. Butters: Boy, I just don't get football. Guess that's why I suck at it. Stan: You don't suck at football, Butters, you suck at all sports. Butters: That's true. Old Eric tells me I should work at a Thai massage parlor, I'm so good at sucking. Cartman: That's right, Butters. Dan: And with that the Browns are ready to kick it off back to the Broncos Randy: All right all right, here we go boys! Watch them on the kickoff, all right? Special teams are the most important plays. Kyle: We don't have kickoffs anymore. [only the TV is heard for a few seconds] Randy: [looks at Kyle] Huh? Stan: The school said they're the most dangerous plays, so they don't have us do 'em anymore. Randy: [stands up as his eyes widen to saucers] Wait wait wait, wait. Whoa! What! The! FUCK?! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, night. The parents and teachers are gathered in the library for a PTA meeting Principal Victoria: [flanked by Mr. Adler and Mr. Mackey] Okay, before we get started with this PTA meeting, does anyone have any outstanding issues? Randy: Yeah, I'd like to talk about this genius new rule in the football program about no kickoffs? Mr. Mackey: Uh, yes, we've decided to go without kickoffs because of the concerns raised over concussions, m'kay? Randy: [becoming sarcastic] Oh yeah, we don't want our kids getting hurt playing football! But I think I have a way to make it even better! Why don't we have the players just wear bras?! Mr. Adler: Bras? Randy: Yeah, the players should all wear bras! And instead of helmets, they should wear little tinfoil hats, 'cause, you know, it's the future and we shouldn't be so barbaric! [other parents look at each other and whisper amongst themselves] Linda: How would the bras and tinfoil hats make it safer? Randy: Oh, you're all not getting it! See, while we're at it, we'll have a balloon instead of a ball, and whoever catches the balloon tries to run while all the other players hug! Mr. Mackey: Huh. You, you, think the students would like that? Randy: Oh they'd love it! A sport where safety is all that matters? How about we call it "sarcastaball"?! Mr. Mackey: Mmkay, would, would you mind being the coach of the South Park sarcastaball team? Randy: [angry that no one is with him on this - that is, that no one has caught on to his sarcasm] Jesus Christ! Yes, I would love to be the coach of the sarcastaball team! Scene Description: South Park Elementary football field, day. And lo and behold, there's Randy as the coach, not something he was hoping for last night. Eleven boys are present, with Butters leading one team and Cartman the other. Butters does the kickoff to Cartman's team, and DogPoo catches it. The opposing players now hug each other. Stan and Kyle hug, and Stan looks at Randy Stan: Dad, do we really have to wear bras? Randy: Yes Stan, this is what people want! Don't worry, you look really cool. [thumbs up] Butters: I got the balloon, Coach Marsh. Err, what should I do with it? Randy: Oh, you know, try to get it into the end zone, but be really polite about it. Butters: Okay! Hey, hey, heh excuse me. Pardon me. Heh, [passing Clyde and Kevin] you guys look terrific. Wow, this game is great! Principal Victoria: [walks up to Randy] How's it going, coach? Randy: How's it going? Awesome! Nobody's getting hurt and the kids are learning valuable life lessons! 'Cause hugging and safety are what the world is all about! Principal Victoria: So you're happy with these changes? Randy: Happy? I'm thrilled! Look at how much better this is! Principal Victoria: [surveys the situation and decides to leave] Okay. [The boys are still hugging each other and Randy blows his whistle] Scene Description: News 4 Special Report Anchor: Is football safe for your kids? Concerned Parent Randy Marsh says "No," and has started a movement to reform the sport, gathering followers by the hundreds. Scene Description: A rally at the park. Randy continues being sarcastic, but no one catches on. Randy: Oh, this is good! Nice for you all to turn out in record numbers to show your support for sarcastaball! [the crowd waits a second, then applauds] Yeah, yeah, we're, we're through with our kids getting knocked on the ground and tackled! Let's make sarcastaball the official school sport nationwide! [the crowd applauds and cheers] Go on, pat yourselves on the back! [and so the crowd members turn and pat each other on the back] Anchor: Showing just how much one concerned parent can do, Marsh then found himself in front of the leaders of Washington. Randy: [addressing Congress] Yeah, yeah! Let's do that! We got the economy in the toilet, a big election coming up, but this country's number one priority should be making football safer! [Congress applauds. The President and his wife are present, and clap with Congress.] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, boys' locker room. The team is suiting up, with bras and tinfoil hats the last items to go on. DogPoo walks in Kyle: [removes his bra and throws it to the floor] This is ridiculous! Are we really going to go out there and play North Park like this?! Clyde: I can't even remember if we're supposed to hug the fullback or compliment him. I'm so confused. Stan: This game is stupid. I have no idea how to go out on the field and be as nice as I can to the other team! Cartman: Yeah, you know what? [removes his bra and throws it to the floor] Screw this! Butters: Hey, whoa! Well I can't believe what I'm hearing! [silence] We've been practicing and gettin' ready for this game, and you fellas just wanna quit?! Kyle: We don't even understand how this game is played. Butters: This great game isn't about plays. It's about sportsmanship. And compassion. And when I look around this locker room, well I see some of the nicest, most compassionate guys I've ever met! [walks up to Token] Well Token, you're nicer than anybody I know. [walks up to Clyde] And Clyde! Well you give better hugs than anyone out on that field! Cartman: That's true. Butters: Are we just gonna let North Park walk away with a victory because we think they know how to be nicer than us? [stands on a bench] Bein' nice is about what's inside you! When your enemy is nice to you, you just be nice right back! And if they give you two balloons, well you give them three! Clyde, Kenny: Yeah. Butters: And when they try an-and thank you for those balloons, you say "Ah I don't need any thanks! I did it 'cause it was the right thing to do!" And then you give them a smile! Boys: Yeah! Butters: And when that other team tries to cover you, well that's when you gotta reach deep down. Right down to your creamy center. Well that place, well that place inside of you where, where all the gooey happy-lovin' goo sits and you just gotta use that and be the nicest, most compassionate player you've ever been, and let the world know that we will not fall down so easy! Boys: [jumping up and down] Yeah! Yeah! Cartman: [puts his bra back on] Let's do this. [turns his back towards Stan] Stan, hook up my bra. Scene Description: NFL press conference. Roger Goodell is at the podium Goodell: As commissioner of the NFL, I am so thrilled to see our nation's youth embrace sarcastaball over traditional football. Oh, but why stop there? Since football is so barbaric, we should change too. So let's give a biiig welcome to the new coach of the Denver Broncos, Randy Marsh. [Randy gets applause from the audience as he rises. Goodell shakes Randy's hand] Congratulations, Marsh. Good job! Randy: Oh thank you, commissioner! I'm thrilled to be a part of this! Thanks! Goodell: Nice going! Randy: Yeah, no, you nice going! [they're still shaking hands] Photographer: Hey guys, how about a nice fucking picture to welcome in the future of sports? [click] Scene Description: Invesco Field, Denver, Colorado, night. Announcer: Welcome to the inaugural game of the National Sarcastaball League! As we bring you today's matchup between the Denver Broncos and the Oakland Raiders. Randy: Yeah, lookin' good, guys! Let's kick some butt! [crosses his arms] #24: Give them hell, coach! Lovin', not shovin'! Randy: Oh yeah, good one! [the crowd begins to cheer the teams] Announcer: And now, here are your Denver Whoop de fucking do girls! Cheerleaders: Woo! Woo! Cheerleader 1: Go Broncos! Go! Cheerleader 2: Whoop de fuckin' do! Announcer: And now, here to sing the sarcastaball anthem, recording artist, Cee-Lo! Cee Lo Green:: I love sarcastaball It's so much better than football I'm so glad they got rid of violence in sports 'Cause sarcastaball is so super fun to watch Fan 1: Woo! Nice job, Cee-Lo! Good to see you on TV some more! Fan 2: Yeah, I'm a big fan of all your hit songs! Scene Description: South Park Elementary hallway, day. The boys are walking to class. Kenny's not around, and Clyde and Craig join them Kyle: Dude, what do you mean "We don't have a coach."? Stan: Look, I'm sorry guys, my dad said he's too busy with the Broncos. He doesn't have time for us. Kyle: But our big game with Lakewood is Saturday! Stan: [stops and faces his friends] I'm sorry. My dad is taking professional sarcastaball really seriously. Clyde: Well, we might as well call up Lakewood and tell 'em we forfeit. [looks down at the floor] Kyle: We can't. Clyde: [somewhat cross] We don't have a coach, Kyle. Cartman: Who needs a coach? We have Butters. Butters: Huh? Craig: Hey yeah. Stan: [walks up to Butters] The guys are right. From now on, you're team captain, Butters. You lead us to victory. Butters: Oh jeez n-no, I I don't know, fellas. Cartman: Butters, you understand this game better than anybody. Butters: Yeah, but I uh, I I can't be team captain. I... Well I suck at everything. Stan: Not at this you don't! What about that creamy filling you talked about? That gooey goodness inside you that makes you the butteriest Butters we know? Butters: 'At's in there. It's overflowing sometimes. [sticks out his tongue a bit] Kyle: [steps in] We need you, Butters. You're the man! [Butters begins to feel the anticipation] Scene Description: Butters' bedroom, night. He's in bed asleep, and a dream sequence begins. He's first hoisted up by his teammate and tossed up in the air... The Team: Bu-tters! Bu-tters! Bu-tters! Bu-tters! Scene Description: Next he's driving a new red sports car down the street and a crowd of fangirls call out to him as he passes by. Fangirls: Butters, rah, Butters! A Fangirl: I love you, Butters! Butters: [stops his car and looks at the girls] I love you too, ladies. [blows them a kiss] Scene Description: Next he's at an ice cream parlor with Wendy, in a booth with access from both ends. Wendy: [to Butters' left] Oh Butters, you know how I feel about the captain of sports teams. Red: [slides in to Butters' right] Leave him alone, Wendy! He's mine! [they each take a cheek and plant a big kiss on him.] Butters: Woohoohoohoohoo! Scene Description: all the excitement in his dreams wakes him up Butters: Wuh wuuuhhh wuh! [sits up] Wha? Wha? Oh. [smiles, Then looks under the covers] Ohhh... Daaad! It happened again. [the door opens and Stephen steps in] More of my creamy goo came out. [Stephen sits on the bed] Stephen: Oh. Well uh, that's okay Butters. Remember what we talked about. Sometimes our happy, creamy filling just gets soo full it comes out at night. Butters: [excitedly] I was havin' happy dreams, about a girl and-! Stephen: All right Butters, let's... it's happy feelings, let's just not talk about it. Butters: Okay Dad! [Stephen gets up and walks out, and Butters opens up the top drawer of his night stand. He pulls out a small bottle, gets comfortable again, and collects up all the cream] Oh! Save that, for later. [puts a cap on the bottle] Scene Description: Invesco Field, Denver, Colorado, night. It's game time, and the Broncos face the Steelers... in sarcastaball uniforms Announcer: The score is zero to zero as the Steelers kick off to the Broncos. Cheerleader 1: Go Broncos, Go. Dan: Manning has the ball. He's saying some really great things about the other team. Manning met by LaMarr Woodley. He's giving the balloon to Woodley. The referee comes in. [the ref blows his whistle and raises his arms] Oh, the referee is calling that a touchdown! Oh wait, now another official is signalling that's a safety! Randy: [clapping slowly] Oh yeah, nice going, replacement refs! Dan: They're gonna have to sort this one out with a side judge. [the judge looks at the replay monitor, then looks at the field] Side Judge: Fuck it, it's a fucking field goal! Randy: YEAH! [pumps his fist] YEAH! WOO! Scene Description: Post-game conference. The press is there taking pictures of Randy as he enters the room. Randy stops and grins at everyone Reporter 1: Coach, three to nothing victory over the Steelers. You must feel like a reeeal winner. Randy: Yeah, well, the other team was just so awesome on offense I was really scared. [covers his chest with his hands] Reporter 1: Coach Belichick says, [reads from a small notepad] "No way we can beat the Broncos. They've had the same coach for almost a day." Randy: Oh yeah, I'm just the guy who invented sarcastaball! There's no way I'd know how to coach it! Reporter 2: Guess we'll find out on Sunday. Randy: ...Yeah... [the press leaves and Randy begins to think about next week] Scene Description: The Broncos' locker room. While the players change into street clothes, Randy enters the room Randy: All right guys, listen up! Forget about the day off, we need to practice tomorrow. Broncos: D'awwwww! Manning: Practice on Monday after a victory? Great! Randy: That's good, Peyton, but we need to get better. Manning: Practice on Monday? That's just what I wanna do! Randy: That's IT! [claps approvingly] Scene Description: Butters' house, afternoon. His doorbell rings and he answers Cartman: Hey Butters, you got a minute? Butters: Wuh sure, Eric. [Cartman walks in and Butters closes the door] Cartman: I don't now what to do. Kids are starting to make fun of me because, I'm no good at sarcastaball. I suck at being nice and polite. I'm so good at sucking I should work at a Thai massage parlor. Butters: Uh-uh oh, no E-Eric, you're, why you're a great player. Cartman: No, I just don't have the mojo you have, Butters. Butters: Oh, well, ye-Eric, ah I told you: everyone has a creamy filling inside them, where all the feelings of compassion and joy come from. Oh, didn't your dad ever tell you that? Cartman: ...I don't have a dad. Butters: ...Oh right, I, I'm sorry. Well, everyone has a creamy filling, Eric. And and some people have so much of that filling that it, that it comes out sometimes. A lot of times, when I go to sleep, and especially if I've had them wonderful dreams that make me feel really good, sometimes I wake up, and when I wake up, I I realize some of my goo has come out. [remembers looking at his groin and saying "Oh jeez, there's a lot this time."] But I always make sure I keep it, just in case I ever run out of all my sunshine happy feelings. Cartman: You save it all? Scene Description: Butters' room, moments later. Butters opens up one of the sliding doors to his closet Butters: My goo doesn't come out every night, but I sure do seem to have a surplus of it. [before them is a wall of semen samples that Butters has been collecting for over a year now. Another shot shows that he's going on two years' worth of semen, with shelves of it on the other two walls] Cartman: Butters, do you think your goo might work on someone else? Butters: I don't know. Weh I never really thought of it that way. [Cartman takes a bottle and chugs it down, then analyzes the flavor] Cartman: Hm, it's kind of a grapey, bleachy flavor. Butters: Do you feel warm and compassionate? Cartman: [analyzes some more...] Holy shit I think I do. Scene Description: Rome, on CBS Sports Network. Jim Rome appears with his fingers forming a steeple, and with a standalone TV monitor to his left. A balloon appears, with SARCASTABALL shown above it Jim Rome: Welcome back to Rome. We're gonna talk some sarcastaball. I can't wait. I can't wait to talk sarcastaball because it's really compelling. [Randy Marsh appears on the monitor via satellite from his den] Joining me now is the coach of the Denver Broncos and the inventor of sarcastaball, Randy Marsh. Thanks for calling in, Randy. Really happy to have you on the show. Randy: Yeah, it's awesome to be on your show. Jim Rome: Randy, first off, thanks for taking the sports that we all love and turning it into a sarcastic nightmare. Way to go. Randy: Thanks, Jim. 'Cause it's totally what I intended. You know, when I came up with the idea I was sure it was gonna end up like this. Jim Rome: Well it certainly makes for an exciting game. How about last night's nail-biter that ended zero to zero? That's a game I wanna watch twice. That's a game I wanna watch four times. Check that: I'll watch that game... five times. [POV switch to Randy's den] Good luck on Sunday. I'm sure that'll be another game that I could watch... twelve times. Check that: thirteen times. Randy: Thanks Jim. [closes the satellite link and switches to a window about sarcastaball strategies and starts working on them. Sharon walks in] Sharon: Randy, aren't you gonna come join your family for dinner? Randy: Oh yeah, I've totally got time to do that, Sharon! In fact, how about I go downstairs and make a four-course meal for all of you? Check that: a seven-course meal? Sharon: Randy, something's happened. Are you un-able to stop being sarcastic? Randy: Oh, right! I can't stop being sarcastic now! Sharon: I'm telling you, Randy, I think this sport is doing something to your brain. Randy: Right, it's doing something to my brain! And now I can't stop being sarcastic! Sharon: Do you mean that? Randy: Yes! I totally mean it! [breaks down and begins to tear up] Help me, Sharon. Help me. Scene Description: Football night at South Park Elementary. The South Park Cows are playing North Park. South Park throws off and the two teams go at each other for hugs. Butters: All right, first string, cover those wideouts. Tell 'em how much you like their outfits! Clyde, Token! Hug those two players and give their quarterback a kiss. [Cartman approaches North Park's #7 and knocks him down. A referee sees this, blows his whistle and walks over to the two players] Spectators: Awwwwww! Stan: Cartman, you idiot! Butters: Stay positive, Stan! All right guys, cuddle up, cuddle up! [the team huddles - er, cuddles up and Butters continues.] Now what is goin' on out there? Cartman: That kid is provoking us! He's saying mean things to try and piss us off. Clyde: Yeah. We need more of your mojo, Butters. Butters: Oh, all right. Well all right, here you go. [Butters passes bottles of his semen around to the other boys, and they all drink the bottles down] Scene Description: A hospital, day. Randy is in for a CT scan. He's on the tray and slowly goes in head first. His head is scanned and he's soon rolled out of the scanner. Results come in and are posted on an easel in a doctor's office for the doctor to peruse. Doctor: Uh hum. Mmm. [turns towards Randy and Sharon] I'm sorry, Mr. Marsh, but there appears to be permanent damage. Randy: [dejected] Oh boy, this is great! My week just keeps getting better. Sharon: How do we fix this, doctor? Doctor: You don't. I'm sorry, there... just isn't enough research in how sarcasm affects the brain. Randy: So that's it. [gets up and walks around] I should just go home and forget about what this sport has done to me. Let thousands of people play sarcastaball and get hurt too! [points to the doctor] Doctor: Oh, really? You, you think there's a correlation between sarcasm and sarcastaball? [gets into a thinking mode] Really? [rolls his eyes] That's fascinating. Please, go on. Randy: No, sarcastaball has nothing to do with it. I just... I just really enjoy being sarcastic and so I must be finding an excuse. Doctor: You know, I have a 50-year-old Alzheimer's patient out in the waiting room who can't even remember his family, but... let's forget about him and focus on how sarcastaball might be damaging people's brains. Randy: My son is out there playing that game! It's heartwarming to see you have such high regard for his safety! Doctor: Okay, well I've got a better idea. Let's get all the funding for cancer research and genetic diseases, let's, let's take all that money and make commercials that say "Hey America, sarcasm might not be such a great thing for your brain." Randy: Thank you, doctor. Thank you so much! [turns left and leaves, and Sharon is thoroughly confused. She looks around] Scene Description: A commercial Jim Rome: Jim Rome here. Hey, I love sarcastaball just as much as the next guy, but sometimes it's so thrilling I need an extra burst of energy to get me through a game. That's when I reach for a bottle of this. [holds up a small bottle, now in mass production] Butters' Creamy Goo. [the commercial follows] Voice-over: [#18 runs with the balloon] You play hard. You need a sports drink that gives you that extra boost. [a split screen appears, with windows for football, basketball, women's soccer, and hockey] Sports these days are all about being nice, so take your game to the next level [#18 opens up a bottle of Butters' Creamy Goo and drinks it]. With Butters' Creamy Goo. [a cyclist opens a bottle and drinks it. Some of it splatters on his face] You'll be filled with feelings of good tidings and be nicer than a ray of sunshine. [a round window expands and Butters pops in through it] Butters: Like me! Jim Rome: Get with it, and get the Goo! Voice-over: Butters' Creamy Goo is chock full of all the essentials an athlete needs. Commitment! Compassion! And Comradery! And now it's available in quart size! Tom Brady: When I get hot and tired, only one thing can boost my compassion. [drinks it down and keeps it there with some effort. A goo mustache stays on his upper lip] Now I'm back in the game! [Two players carry a bucket of goo and dump it on their coach.] Singer: Go and chug a bottle of Butters' Creamy Goo! Voice-Over: [an open bottle of it falls right side up to the grass and some goo spills out] Best served just above room temperature. Scene Description: A night game, with South Park against another team Butters: 42! Red 13! Sunshine and happy thoughts! Sunshine and happy thoouughts! HUT! [Cartman tosses the balloon back at him, and the players move forward. Butters backs up for a pass and throws the balloon up. The other team's player, #9, is ready] Oh no, that kid's gonna intercept it! [#9 catches it and grins] Good job, kid! [an SUV rools onto the field, crushing #9 before it stops. The balloon bounces away unscathed. Randy is shown driving the SUV, with Sharon in tow] Randy: STAN?! Stan! [the players break their hugs and look at Randy] Stan: Dad? Randy: [runs with Sharon towards him] Get in the car, Stan! We're going home! Stan: What? Sharon: We're sorry, Stanley, we don't want you playing this sport anymore. Mr. Mackey: Hey, get off the field! M'kay?! [Randy walks to the sideline to address the crowd] Randy: Everyone! Everyone, listen! There's something you all need to know about sarcastaball. It turns out... it's totally safe. [a lot of fans have bought bottles of Butters' Creamy Goo] Yeah, it's super safe! It's like so safe that we should have every kid play it-ugh! [gets a headache] Oh! Sorry, sorry. Hang on. Gotta not be so sarcastic. Ahem, let me try that again. Listen everyone... if you let your kids play sarcastaball, you're a fucking genius! Ogh!.. Gyugh! Cut, sorry. Let me try this again. [clears his throat again] Look, what I'm trying to say is, we should have like, 10 sarcastaball leagues, because then everyone-! Would- [stomps his right foot in anger] God damn it! Sharon: Stanley, just get your things and come on. We're going home! Stan: Whoa, whoa, you can't, you can't tell me what to do! Randy: Yeah, we're your parents! We can't tell you what to do! Sharon: Don't you see what this sport has done to your father? Do you want to end up like him? Stan: Oh, right, like he doesn't exaggerate every disease he gets! Sharon: [stunned at the sarcasm coming from Stan] Ohohh, Randy, it's happening! [cries and turns towards Randy for a hug, which he gives] Butters: [walks up and stands next to Stan] Mr. Marsh, listen. I know you care about your son, but he's a heck of a player! He's good at tickling, laughing, and getting along. Randy: Look, the point has been made, okay?! I'm warning you, being this sarcastic is dangerous! Stan: We're not being sarcastic, Dad! Is it so hard to believe that we really enjoy a sport that has no violence? Is it so hard for you to believe that when Butters says "Competitiveness can be compassionate," he's being completely sincere? Randy: I don't see how anyone could play this game with any sincerity. Cartman: That's because you're too grumpy and negative to believe it. What you need... is a sports drink that can boost your levels of caring and goodness. Stan: Yeah Dad. You need some of this. [walks forward and gives him a small bottle of Butters' Creamy Goo. Randy takes it and opens it, looking at the contents, then drinks it] Randy: ...[deadpans] This is cum. [everyone's jaws drop] Scene Description: Butters' room, night. Stephen and Linda are in the room, and just outside are Sheila, Randy, Stuart, and Liane. Stephen: And you can just sit here in your room and think about what you've done! [Butters is on his bed, looking chastened] Just because people try and make football a little safer by changing a kickoff rule doesn't mean YOU need to take it to "Oh, why don't we just drink each other's cum?"! Sarcasm like that is homophobic, chauvinistic, and completely lacking in maturity! Any questions?! Butters: What's sarcasm and what's cum? Stephen: We'll talk about that when you're older. Randy: Come on, everybody, let's work on that kick off change and get back to some football. [all the adults leave, with Stephen closing the door behind him. Butters sighs, then gets under his covers for the night. As he drifts off to sleep, we get this voice-over] Jim Rome: Welcome back to Rome. Some of you might have seen me on TV last night. Turns out the drink I endorsed was semen. Turns out a little kid was just bein' sarcastic. That kid's probably grounded for a month. Check that: I'm sure he's grounded for two months. And a week. Football needs to be made safer, so why don't we have players in bras drinking semen? Yeah, that's a fastball right there. That's a real stroke of philosophic genius! More little kids drinking semen to finally bring back real football, and I don't know what else to say but "So long, sarcastaball, it was nice knowin' you." Let's just hope nothin' like this ever happens again. Probably won't. Not for another year. Check that: couple of days. Butters: [wakes up and gasps] DAD! Hey, Dad! Stephen: [walks in] What? Butters: My wiener is all stiff and pointy! Stephen: Oh, well, Butters, that's just the friendly compass. See, whenever you have friends in the area, your little compass there tells you where they are. It's pointing up because Jesus is your friend. Butters: Thanks, Dad.

Scene Description: Wall-Mart, night. The boys are in the sporting goods section if the store. Kenny looks at bats while Cartman looks at gloves. Stan and Kyle look at other things across the aisle. Stan: You find a good catcher's mitt, Cartman? Cartman: [looks over his left shoulder] Dude, how come when we play baseball I always have to be the catcher? [looks at the gloves again] Kyle: Well, because you got good coordination, sharp reflexes, and you're fucking fat. Cartman: [turns left to address Kyle] I'm not fat, Kyle. Kyle: Right, you're not fat. Cartman: Dude, I'm not fat! I don't drive around on a mobility scooter like that bitch! [they see a scooter rolls past them with an obese man on it] Stan: Whoa duude! Kyle: Jesus Christ, you can't even walk down an aisle to get your candy? [another obese man rolls up behind them] Obese man: Excuse me. [They just look up at him] Excuse me! [they part the aisle for him - Stan, Cartman and Kenny take the side with the gloves on it, Kyle takes the other side,] Cartman: See what I mean? You can't even walk around a Wall-Mart anymore without getting run over by some fat dick on a Rascal. Kyle: Why do they even allow those things in stores? Stan: They don't just allow them, they have them available at the front. [Indeed, a small fleet of them are available for rent, at $19.99 each. They're labeled as electric wheelchairs. Obese people are in line as one after another of them rents a Rascal. The boys turn a corner to have a look at the Rascals as they're being rented] Kyle: You've gotta be kidding me! Cartman: [eyes some Oreos and goes for them] Oh my God you guys, look at this! [grabs a box and reads it] Candy Corn Oreos. Oreos with candy corn filling. [closes his eyes and looks up joyfully] Holy hell yes! Kyle: Are you serious?? Look around: doesn't this bother you at all?? [an obese man and an obese woman squeeze past each other in an aisle on their scooters.] That's YOU one day, fatass![Stan and Kenny leave] Not even one day! If you don't change something, that's you! In about a year! [turns and follows Stan and Kenny away. Cartman is left alone with the Oreos and his thoughts] Obese lady: [rolls up in her Rascal] Are those Candy Corn Oreos? Cartman: Yeah... Yeah, here you go. [walks over, tosses them into her basket, and walks away with his head down] Scene Description: Cartman walks through town. He stops by a large window to look at himself, then walks on. Later he shows up at Kyle's house, and Kyle answers the door Cartman: Hey Kyle, can I come in for a second? Kyle: Why? [his eyebrows move to odd positions every so often] Cartman: [walks in] I've been... doing a lot of thinking... about what you said at Wall-Mart. [stops] You're right Kyle. I'm fat. [sighs] All these years you tell me and me saying "No, I'm big-boned" or "no, that's just muscle"... It was always just me living in denial. I'm fucking fat, Kyle. I'm fucking fat as fucking fuck. Kyle: Cartman, uh, all I was trying to tell you at Wall-Mart was that you- Cartman: [turns around] No! It's okay, Kyle... because... I'm not gonna live like some... slug who can't even leave his house 'cause he can't get around. Now that I can admit I'm fat, I decided to finally do something about it. [walks out of the house. Kyle is puzzled. Moments later, Cartman returns on a Rascal and rolls on into Kyle's living room] Sweeeeeeeeeet! Kyle: [angrily] Oh no! Cartman: Don't know what took me so long, dude. All I needed was a few extra pounds and the insurance company paid for my own private one! See? It's got a basket on the front for my candy corn Oreos. [begins to ride in a circle around Kyle] Kyle: You don't need that! Get off of it. Cartman: [stops] Dude, it's sweet. Did you know they make access for mobility scooters everywhere? I can seriously go from my bed to Wall-Mart and never have to touch the floor, once. [rides away] Kyle: That's not what I meant by doing something about it, Cartman! Cartman: [reaches the restroom and tries to get it, but the base is too wide] Hmm. [tries again. Kyle catches up] I can't. [tries again] I can't seem to get into your bathroom, Kyle. [tries again] Kyle: What?? Cartman: Yeap. No, this is the problem, Kyle. [tries again] You've gotta make your bathroom accessible for my mobility scooter or else I won't be able to take a shit in your house. [tries again] Kyle: So take a shit somewhere else! Cartman: That's not the way this country works, Kyle. [tries again] Your bathroom has to be to code for my mobility scooter. [tries again] It's the law. Gerald: [arrives] What's going on down here? Cartman: [tries again] Can't seem to be able to take a dump in your house, Mr. Broflovski. Doesn't appear to be handicap-accessible. [tries again] I'll look past it this time, but you'd better get that bathroom up to code of you don't want a lawsuit. [backs out and prepares to leave] Well, I'm off to go try to take a shit at Best Buy, guys. See you, Kyle. [rolls away. Kyle looks on angrily] Scene Description: Cartman rides through town looking self-satisfied while music plays in the background Cartman: ["Nobody understands how embarrassing it is to live with obesity." He rides past a couple] Out of the way. Out of the way please. ["Wherever you go, you're treated differently" He arrives at a Denny's] Greeter: Uhh I guess take that big booth by the window. [Cartman goes towards the booth and grins] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Cartman's soliloquy continues. "You're made to feel different. To feel like less of a person." While the boys are in the gym tossing basketballs at each other, Cartman rides around in the hall outside, grinning all the while. Next, Cartman holds up traffic while riding his Rascal. "I feel so much shame, all I can do is try to make myself feel a little better by flying to Disneyland on the weekend." Ticket teller: Okay, we're finally gonna start with pre-boarding. Anyone needing special assistance getting on the aircraft- Oh... Cartman: Coming through. Oh how humiliating. [now at the Jungle Cruise at Disneyland: "But even at Disneyland I get reminded of my weight." He rolls into the short line] Scuse me. Gotta go to the front of the line. Oh what shame I feel. [reaches the front of the line] Oh jeez, look how fat I am. I'm just mortified, you guys. Can't believe I have- [finds a line of other scooter riders in front of him] Ay! The fuck is this?! There's a wait for the Rascal line?! He-hay! That kid in the middle isn't even fat! Look at him! He's got no right to be on a Rascal! You're not fooling anybody asshole! Walk to the back of the line! Legless boy: I don't have legs. Cartman: Yeah, well you got skinny arms! [Later on, Cartman rolls through Cinderella's Castle. "And then even Disneyland can't take away the shame, as all the people suffering from obesity are ignored. Like, we're invisible." A woman's baby carriage gets in the way and she quickly pulls it back as Cartman rolls towards the exits] 'Scuse me. Move it. Scene Description: A courtroom, day. Cartman has been explaining things to the judge at the witness stand... on his Rascal. Cartman: And so to go through all that, your honor, to go through all the shame and daily ridicule, and then not to be able to take a simple shit at Best Buy? [chokes up and begins to sob] At Best Buy I'm sorry. [At the defense table sits a Best Buy employee, looking around] To be told by some Best Buy manager that your mobility scooter can't fit in his bathroom? [reaches for a long-handled grip with his left hand, then uses it to take a tissue from the judge's bench. He grabs the tissue with his right hand and lowers the grip, then blows his nose] Oh God, excuse me! It's just so belittling, you know? All I wanted to do was take a dump, your honor. After all I've been through, can't I just take a dump at Best Buy? Scene Description: News 4 segment. Anchor: More lawsuits today as people on mobility scooters claim they have nowhere to poo. Property owners are being ordered to modify their bathrooms, costing taxpayers millions. Opponents of the measure are expressing their outrage by engaging in the act of Rascal tipping. Obese man 2: [being jostled in his Rascal by a group of boys] Stop it you kids! sto- Oop- Owww.[the boys succeed in tipping him over and the man is on his side unable to get up. The kids laugh and scatter, and the man begins to sound like a pig] Weak! Weak! Anchor: The government warns that Rascal tipping can be dangerous, and may lead to fat people shitting their pants as they kick and scream on the floor. To counter the crisis, the Department of Health has called for $25 million in aid, so that all mobility scooters can be fitted with a tip assist device. [The device is shown, and it resembles a telescoping cane] Scene Description: South Park Elementary gymnasium, day. Two workers are installing the tip assist device on Cartman's Rascal. Cartman is on his Rascal, and they're both on their sides. When the workers finish, he activates the device, which rights him up Cartman: Oh yeah, it's nice. Yeah, that works pretty well. [facing him is the rest of the fourth grade class] Kyle: You have got to be kidding me! Cartman: What, Kyle?! [the device then collapses and puts itself away] Kyle: We should not be wasting time and money making sure Cartman's fat scooter can't be tipped over! Cartman: [rolls up to him] You condone Rascal-tipping, Kyle?! Do you know that all over our country people in mobility scooters are being victimized?! Kyle: So get off your fucking scooters and pick them up! Cartman: Oh! Oh, did you hear him?! [rolls back to the workers] This is exactly what Adele is talking about! [begins to pace back and forth] Our culture celebrates anorexia and tries to make us ashamed if we don't have slim stomachs and perky little tits like Kyle! [rolls up to Kyle] Well I for one am gonna stop feeling ashamed just because Kyle throws up in the bathroom six times a day [rolls away] to make sure he looks good on his magazine covers! [rolls back up to Kyle] You should be ashamed of YOURself, Kyle! Eating your latkes and gefilte fish and then putting your fingers down your throat because society tells you how to look! [rolls to the far end of the gum] I'm not feeling shamed anymore! From now on, I'm gonna shop sitting down and skip to the front of the lines with my head held high! Just because someone needs a mobility scooter doesn't mean they're an ignorant piece of white trash, Kyle! I may be fat, but I'm not Honey Boo Boo! Kyle: Who's Honey Boo Boo? Stan: Dude, you've never seen Honey Boo Boo? Scene Description: A trophy room. Honey Boo Boo is showing off her trophies from the various beauty pageants she's won Honey Boo Boo: My name's Honey Boo Boo and I'm a beauty queen, bitches. [at a pageant, onstage, dressed to win] I'm fat as a whale and I don't give two shits, girl! Mama: Her favorite foods are sketti and butter, and she likes drinkin' Red Bull and Mountain Dew. Honey Boo Boo: [back in her trophy room] I'm only six and I've already had three heart attacks, girlfriend! Mama: [at a pageant, performs some chest compressions on Honey] Come on! Come on now, Boo Boo! [Honey Boo Boo comes to] Now get up and wave to them judges! [later on, to the camera] We ain't got no shame about our weight, 'cause our weight makes us sassy. [Stan and Kyle are watching the show in Stan's living room. Kyle gets up and walks off] Kyle: Jesus, dude. W-w-what happened? It's like, something's lowered the bar to the point that nobody feels any shame anymore. Stan: Well, dude, it's not like the bar is this actual, physical thing. Scene Description: At sea, day, there's the U.S.S. James Cameron, with James Cameron on the bridge James Cameron: This is it! Throttle down! A crewman: [voice only] Throttle down! [Cameron leaves the bridge and goes on deck, putting on a diving suit] Crewman 1: Mr. Cameron, you don't have to do this! Why don't you just go back to your house in Malibu? Go work on another movie? James Cameron: I have to do this! I have to try and raise it! Crewman 1: The bar isn't something that actually lowers, Mr. Cameron. James Cameron: Then how do you explain all the fat people on mobility scooters? [points at him] How do YOU account for... Honey Boo Boo? The bar has been lowered to depths we can't even fathom. If anyone can go down there and raise it back, it's ME. [puts on some gloves and gets into a bathysphere. He closes the hatch and locks himself in] Let her go! [two workers pull down the release switches in unison. The crane releases the bathysphere and... it hits the deck below. It rolls to one side towards the edge and then drops off. Under the water, as it sinks, Cameron gets to work] UV lights on. Pressure system is normal. Music, on. Singers: His name is James (James) Cameron, the bravest pioneer. No budget too steep no sea too deep Who's that? It's him! James Cameron. James Cameron: Systems are normal. You guys hearing the song okay up there? Singers: James (James) Cameron, explorer of the sea Crewman 1: Yes, James, we hear the song. James Cameron: Descending to one thousand feet. I don't see the bar yet. Looks like it must have sunk pretty low. Singers: With a dying thirst to be the first. Could it be? Yeah it's him. James Cameron. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, hallway. The fourth grade boys need to use the restroom. Kyle is pounding at the door, which has been locked from inside Kyle: Come on, hurry it up in there! [inside, a toilet and the two urinals have been removed to make room for the wheelchair-accessible toilet. Cartman rolls up the ramp to get to the toilet] Cartman: Oh yeah, that's good. That's accessible now. Cool, let me try to take a shit in this real quick. [gets off the Rascal] Kyle: [starting to fume, steps away from the crowd] This has gone far enough! [the other boys turn to look at him] How can we make people see the difference between being sensitive to obesity and letting fat people walk all over us?! Token: Yeah, what we need is something to raise awareness. Kyle: Yeah! We've gotta raise people's awareness! Token: Something like... a documentary. You know, follow Cartman around, with a video camera, and then get all his bullshit on television. Kyle: Yeah! g'uh... A, a documentary? Token: [walks up to Kyle] At least then we'd be voicing our concern. I mean, if you think about it, we should feel some shame for... complaining about it and not doing anything. Kyle: You, I gu-I guess you're kinda right. Token: Hey, tell you what: if you wanna follow Cartman around, and get a video of him, I'll pay to make it into a documentary, and get it on the air. Kyle: Really? Thanks, dude! I'm gonna go get a video camera! [walks away smiling. Token watches him leave, then walks off in the opposite direction. The rest of the boys go back to waiting at the restroom door. Craig watches Kyle leave, then notices Token and follows him] Craig: Hey Token. If you're gonna get Kyle to video that stuff for you, you should probably tell him the truth. Token: He doesn't need to know the truth. Kyle will get what he wants, and so will I. [hurries away] Scene Description: University of Colorado at Boulder. Kyle is there to present his video on obesity. He's onstage before a large audience Kyle: Ladies and gentlemen, we have an epidemic in our country. Obesity is costing taxpayers millions, and some are taking advantage of a system that is flawed. Over the past several days I have filmed such a case, and the shocking video has been edited by my partner, Token. It is our hope that this film will cast light on a serious issue. [clicks on a remote to turn down the lights] Scene Description: "Token Blaaaaack Productions." Token Black Prod. Presents... a montage. Token: [voice over. Cartman is shown rolling down the street] He's chubby, [Cartman is shown at a table with lots of courses for him to go through] he's filthy [Cartman belches], and he's just a little bit nuts. [sideswipes a letter carrier and then gives him the finger] Here he is, America's newest sweetheart, Fatty Doo Doo! ["Here Comes Fatty Doo Doo" appears onscreen with a picture of Cartman on his Rascal, with his back to the camera] Kyle: Fatty Doo Doo? Scene Description: What appears looks more like a television pilot than a documentary. Cartman is shown going down the street in downtown South Park, then he's crossing the street on his Rascal. A car stops before it hits him. then he's eating chips in the living room on his Rascal. "The new show by Token black & Kyle Broflovski" appears, then leaves the screen as Cartman rolls down the school hallway, followed by "title song by: Randy Newman" Scene Description: Randy Newman Kyle: What? Scene Description: Cartman rolls through a line of people waiting to buy movie tickets and knocks out Nelly. Then he's back at Wall-Mart getting some other chips. Then he's on the toilet trying very hard to poop. Another shot of him pooping. The crowd begins to laugh at his antics. Next he's at the dining room table waiting for his powdered doughnut pancake surprise. Kyle looks at the audience's reaction, then at the pilot, which now shows Cartman ordering some stuff from the Wendell's drive-through menu. Then it shows Cartman making a beeline for Disneyland Randy Newman: Nobody scoots a fatty doo like you do. Scatty foo foo Patty poo poo White president, black president, I don't care. Just scoop me up some doodoo and I'll be right there. I. Only. Know. Five. Chords. Six- Scene Description: Token's office, nicely appointed. Some loud pounding is heard on the door Token: Come in. Kyle: [enters and approaches the desk] What have you done? Token: I helped you make a documentary, Kyle. Kyle: When we said "documentary," I thought we meant 60 Minutes, not Honey Boo Boo! Token: Kyle, Kyle, I'm trying to make compelling television. Kyle: You got Randy Newman to do the theme song. You're not trying that hard. Token, you're a good kid. How can you sit there and collect money on a show that's about a, about a fat child killing himself?? Where's your sense of shame?? Token: [hops off his chair and walks to a window] I can remember... exactly where I was... the first time I saw Honey Boo Boo. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. A shameful, fat family eating white trash food to their death. And then I saw what network it was on: The Learning Channel. [turns around and faces Kyle] If they can feel okay about that, why can't I? Kyle: When the bar gets lowered, Token, we all pay the price. What if Honey Boo Boo was a little black girl? Being fattened up by her mom and talking about grits and hominy? Token: But she's not black, Kyle. She's white. [a few seconds of silence] The bar is determined by society, Kyle. And it's not something that can just be raised up. [faces the window again] Not by us, or anyone else. Scene Description: The bathysphere. Cameron keeps descending James Cameron: You guys seeing this?! Crewman 1: Yes, we see, Mr. Cameron. James Cameron: This is where the bar was just a few years ago. It was lowered here when President Clinton got a blow job in the oval office. And suddenly men who were just getting blow jobs in alleyways thought they weren't all that bad. But clearly something else has lowered the bar even more! I must go deeper! We're in the pipe, five by five. Scene Description: Stan's house, porch. Stan sits on the steps as Kyle paces on the lawn Kyle: I just don't know what to do. I mean, I hate Cartman with all my heart, but I can't stop feeling ashamed for taking advantage of him. But should I feel ashamed? Oh, whatever lowered the bar is not my fault. So if I kind of go with it, is it really unfair to Cartman? Stan: I guess not, but... What is it exactly you're trying to do? Kyle: Just, you know, make some money off him. Like Honey Boo Boo. Stan: [alarmed, gets up and walks up to Kyle] Dude! Dude, not cool! Kyle: What? Stan: Haven't you heard what happened? Honey Boo Boo's heart gave out. Kyle: [a bit shocked] What? Oh my God. Stan: Yeah dude. It's really serious. Scene Description: The Thompson living room. Mama talks to the camera Mama: Well, the doctor said Honey Boo Boo needs a heart transplant. They're gonna do a surgery and put a pig heart in her, so, we're going to the ranch to pick out a hog. Scene Description: In the car, day. Mama and Honey Boo Boo Honey Boo Boo: [clapping] I'mm gettin' a piiig heaaart. Scene Description: At the ranch, day. Mama: Honey Boo Boo is gonna do pageants with a pig heart, we wanna pick a hog that has pizzazz and knows how to work it, girl! Honey Boo Boo: I waunt that one! Farmer: This one here? [picks up a sow near them and shows off the sow's belly] You want this one?? Honey Boo Boo: Yeah! No wait! That pig over there gave me the evil eye! I waunt that one! I waunt [squeezes her eyes closed for a second] that one! Farmer: This one? [picks up a sow near them and shows off the sow's belly] this one right here?? Ya waunt this one?? Honey Boo Boo: I want that one's heart! It looked at me funny! Scene Description: In the operating room. Mama describes what's going on Mama: We've been in the OR about two hours already. I just hope when she does her pageants the judges don't take away points 'cause she's got a pig heart. [looks over her shoulder] Honey Boo Boo! [no response] Honey BOO BOO! Honey Boo Boo: What?! Mama: What you gonna tell them judges if they ask you about your heart? Honey Boo Boo: I'm gonna tell them "my heart is sweeter than bacon, child!" [Mama turns back to the camera and grins] Scene Description: The Thompson kitchen. Mama is preparing a meal for the family Mama: Who waunts sketti and butter? [pig noises are heard and the camera pans down to show Honey Boo Boo crawling all over the floor] She got a pig heart an' now she thinks she's a pachyderm. Show 'em your scar! Honey Boo Boo: This is myyy scaaar 'cause I got a pig heart. My scar makes me sassy, child! [blows a kiss to the camera] Scene Description: The bathysphere, deeper now than before. James Cameron: S. S. Cameron? This is James Cameron. I am now at... 16,000 feet. You should see the cold darkness of it all. The isolation and yet awwwe of the sea's magnitude. I have now sunk deeper than any human has ever been before! [he soon encounters another man in a diving suit] Randy Newman: We are here in the ocean depths goin' deep deep deep- [turns around and sees the bathysphere... and its pilot] Oh hey James Cameron. James Cameron: What the fuck?! Randy Newman: I've been divin' in the deep and I'm feelin' so cheap. James Cameron: You son of a bitch Newman! How did you beat me down here! Randy Newman: I don't want anyone raisin' the bar, 'cause nobody'll hire me! Deep deep deep in the ocean. Ohhh, come on. Fight me, Cameron. James Cameron: Alright, you son of a bitch! I'll take you to hell! [maneuvers the bathysphere's arms and lands a right punch on Newman, who falls away in slow motion] Scene Description: Token's office, day. Kyle now has Cartman with him. Cartman: It is a violation of my civil rights, Token, and you should be ashamed of yourself! Kyle: I'm sorry Token, I had to tell him. His life is in danger. Cartman: Making money off of people's handicaps! Well Token, I would like you to meet my lawyer! [the lawyer appears outside the office and tries to enter, but can't. The lawyer is on his own Rascal] As soon as he gets in here he will be handing you a cease and desist order! That show is not going to air! Token: [waits a second] It actually aired last night. Kyle: You found a network to buy it? Token: Yeah, but don't worry. It didn't do so good. We got killed in the ratings by Honey Boo Boo. Cartman: What? That little bitch beat me in the ratings?! Oh HELL NO! Token: Well it was only our first show of the season, so you really can't- Cartman: [begins riding around] I don't give a shit, dude! Nobody beats my ratings! Get me a plane ticket! That bitch is going down! [turns around and rides out of the office] Scene Description: This is an outdoor event, with a wall erected behind the First Lady Announcer: We welcome you to the First Lady's Symposium on Obesity, with your keynote speaker, Michelle Obama. [the audience applauds] Michelle Obama: Our country is in the midst of an epidemic. Recently a very big conflict was brought to my attention. [Kyle is present, which means Cartman didn't fly alone] A conflict that illustrates without a doubt what should be our nation's number one priority. What will we do as a country? I cannot give you any easy answers. But what I can give you, is what we've all been waiting for! Honey Boo Boo versus Fatty Poo Poo! [the audience cheers loudly as the bell rings and two men pour sketti and butter onto the grass with five-gallon pots. Token is at Cartman's corner and Mama is at Honey's corner] Cartman: [making 8's with his Rascal and itching for a fight] You're goin' down, bitch! [also in attendance are Butters, Stan, Kevin, and Craig] Nobody takes my ratings! Token: That's good, Fatty, get pissed! Cartman: I'm pissed! Token: Yeah, Fatty! Cartman: Yeah, I'm fat and I'm pissed! Mama: [clapping] Ain't nobody can beat my Boo Boo at sketti wrestlin'! [meanwhile, Honey Boo Boo is striking poses and blowing kisses non-stop] Michelle Obama: Let's do this! [the contestants approach each other in the center of the sketti ring as the audience cheers and applauds wildly. Cartman suddenly rushes at her and sideswipes her] Honey Boo Boo: [falling to the ground] Ow! Scene Description: Cartman looks back, then turns around and rides up to Honey Boo Boo as she gets up, then bumps her down again. The audience is disappointed at this. She gets up much faster this time and waits for Cartman to make his move. He rushes at her again, but she jumps onto him and delivers a flurry of punches at his face. Kyle walks around looking lost. Honey Boo Boo succeeds in knocking Cartman over and he's on his side. Honey delivers several kicks to Cartman's head and begins to squeal like a pig. The audience is cheering for Honey Boo Boo, and she responds by blowing kisses at it. Cartman rights himself up with the tip assist device Cartman: I ain't done with you, bitch! Man: Yeah! Tip assist! Scene Description: The S.S. Cameron. Static fills the speakers as communication between the ship and the bathysphere is lost Crewman 2: You think he's dead? [the first crewman wakes up] Crewman 3: I hope so. James Cameron: S.S. Cameron! This is James Cameron! I've found it! My God I found the bar! [the crewmen begin to stir. Soon they're all gathered at the computer monitor] Divert all power to sub systems! Two percent oxygen left! [the bethysphere rises quickly, followed by a long cable] The bar is too heavy! Aaaaagh! Come on you bitch! Crewman 4: Well I'll be damned. Scene Description: The symposium. Cartman is dragging Honey Boo Boo across the sketti by her hair, then lets go. Stan approaches Kyle, who's seated at a curb nearby Stan: Dude, you okay? [Honey Boo Boo gets up, and Cartman turns back to strike her down again] Kyle: I've been thinking, how did shamelessness get to this? [Honey Boo Boo gets up again and looks at Cartman, and he strikes her down once again] Did it start with fat people on scooters?[Honey Boo Boo gets up again, and Cartman strikes her down again] Or did the bar get lowered way before that? [Honey Boo Boo gets up again, and Cartman strikes her down again]And then I started thinking, maybe it was us. [Honey Boo Boo gets up again, and Cartman strikes her down again] I don't know, but maybe somehow, we lowered the bar, a long time ago. [Honey Boo Boo gets up again, and Cartman strikes her down again] And now we're all sittin' here in the stink of it all. [Honey Boo Boo gets up again, and Cartman strikes her down again] There's no going back, Stan. [Honey Boo Boo gets up again, and Cartman strikes her down again. Two men walk up behind Stan and Kyle, and pass by them] Man 2: Rrrgh it's like, I can't explain it. I just suddenly feel like this isn't right. [Honey Boo Boo gets up again, and Cartman strikes her down again. Stan notices the men] Man 3: I don't know why we were watchin' that garbage in the first place. [Honey Boo Boo gets up again, and Cartman strikes her down again] Kyle: [catches a hint of what the men were talking about] Huh? Aide: [Michelle Obama looks a little faint] Ms. Obama, are you, uh, ma'am? Are you okay? Michelle Obama: Something's wrong. This... This is all wrong! [runs into the sketti ring] Stop! Everyone! What are we doing?! How can you let this happen to your daughter?! Mama: I don't know, I... How did I let myself go like this? What have I done?? Man 4: When did we devolve into watching fat kids sketti wrestling? Michelle Obama: We need to realize obesity is an epidemic. But it's not a disease. From now on I'm going to dedicate this administration to FIGHTING childhood obesity! [turns to Cartman and begins punching away at him] Cartman: [amid some ows and grunts] Oh! You fucking bitch! [Michelle Obama finally punches him off his Rascal. She picks it up over her head, then smashes it into the ground, breaking it. She then kicks Cartman in the stomach for good measure.] Token: What the hell is going on? Kyle: I don't know. I think... we've been given another chance. Scene Description: The S.S. Cameron, day. The bathysphere has been retrieved and the hatch opens. James Cameron climbs out of it and comes down to the deck to meet the crewmen. Crewman 5: Hey Cameron, we can't believe it. James Cameron: We're done here! Set course for the set of Avatar 2 Crewman 6: Mr. Cameron. [Cameron stops] People should know. How you saved us all? How you raised the bar? How will they know what a hero you are? James Cameron: [turns around] James Cameron doesn't do what James Cameron does for James Cameron. [turns around and walks a few feet, then turns around again] James Cameron does what James Cameron does because James Cameron is... James Cameron. [the crew applauds him as he enters the bridge] Singers: His name is James (James) Cameron, the bravest pioneer. No budget too steep no sea too deep Who's that? It's him! James Cameron.

Scene Description: The Broflovski house, night. Upstairs, Gerald and Sheila relax in bed, watching TV. Well, Gerald is, anyway, with his hands behind his head. Sheila is reading a book. Announcer: Erectile dysfunction is a fact of life. You want to show her you love her, but you're old, and so is she. [A middle-aged man brings two cups of wine to the sofa and gives one of them to his middle-aged wife. Next, another middle-aged couple is shown in a row boat, with the husband rowing... slowly] The next time that special moment comes, don't let your sex drive fail you just because your wife looks like a shriveled prune. Fake it, with Cialis. [The Cialis logo scoots in from the right] It won't make her any harder, but it will make you not care for up to three hours. [A third couple is shown holding hands in his-and-her bathrubs on a deck... on the African savannah, with two elephants in the distance.] And then you can still have your own separate bathrub from her later on. [Gerald glances over at Sheila.] Gerald: [Lowers his arms and leans in a bit] Hey Sheila. You feel like having some fun? Sheila: Oh dear, did the Cialis commercial turn you on again? Gerald: [Puts his left arm around her] How about I put on the uniform? Sheila: [Gets excited and bashful] Oh, Gerald... Gerald: Huh? What do you think? You know you like it. Scene Description: Moments later, Sheila is in a negligee and puts some make up on. A knock is heard on her bedroom door and she answers it. Sheila: Oh, hello. [Strikes a sexy pose - right arm on the door, left arm on her hip] Gerald: UPS man. I have a ...package from Amazon for you. Sheila: Oh, dear, but I'm barely dressed. Gerald: If you'll just... [Whips out a signature pad and presents it to her] sign right here. [Some time later, the bedroom door is closed, the lights are out, and Gerald is really delivering it to Sheila.] Sheila: Oh, you're so rough with me, Mr. UPS man! Gerald: Yeah? [Spanks her] Do you like your package, ma'am? [Unknown to them, Ike is standing at the doorway looking at them] Sheila: Oh yes! Gerald: Huh? [Followed by a series of grunts] Sheila: Do it harder, UPS man! Scene Description: Ike's room, morning. Ike is at his desk crying, and he bangs his head on the desk/ Ike has been drawing something. Kyle walks by and notices Kyle: Ike, what's the matter? [Waits a few seconds, then goes in.] Dude, you've been in here crying all morning. What's going on? [Ike finishes up and hands the sheet of paper to Kyle. Kyle looks and is suddenly alarmed. Ike has drawn a stick figure of his mom with a UPS man, with big boobs for his mom and a big penis for the UPS man. Ike goes back to crying] Oh. My. God. Ike, a-are you sure about this? Ike: Yes! Yes! Kyle: I-Ike, this is a big deal. You have to be absolutely, 100%- Ike: I saw them, Kyle, I saw them! Kyle: Oh no... Scene Description: Stan's house, later. Kyle is in Stan's room, and Cartman and Kenny have joined them. Stan is at his desk, Kenny is on Stan's bed, Cartman is standing up Kyle: You guys can't tell anybody, all right? Not until I figure out what to do. Stan: Dude, what happened? Kyle: Take a look. [Whips out the sheet of paper Ike drew upon] Stan: What's this? [Takes the sheet and looks at it.] Kyle: Ike found out last night. My mom's having sex with the UPS man. Stan: Whoa! Cartman: Dude, no way! Kyle: Yeah dude. [Out in the hall, Randy walks by with a cup of coffee, but he hears them and stops] Stan: But are you sure they had sex, like, "sex" sex, or they actually had sex? [Randy sees a plant nearby, quickly dumps his coffee into it, and puts the cup against Stan's door] Kyle: Yeah dude, like, full-on. Ike saw everything. It totally makes sense now. My mom's been ordering all kinds of stuff from Amazon lately. Sometimes, sh-she doesn't even remember what she's ordered. She's probably been having sex with the UPS man for a long time. Randy: [Barely audible] Ohhhh... [Hurries away] Stan: Well are you gonna tell your dad? Kyle: I don't know. I feel like I should confront my mom first. But it's so embarrassing. Cartman: [Walks up to him] Kyle, have you stopped to think that maybe the sex wasn't consensual? Kyle: What? Cartman: Isn't it possible your mom was raped by the UPS man? We know nothing about this guy and he shows up to all of our houses. Think about it: what kind of sane, normal person would wanna have sex with Kyle's mom? Stan: Cartman dude, not now. Cartman: No, hear me out, you guys. Haven't you seen those ADT commercials? "Women these days get raped by perfectly normal-looking white guys in broad daylight." It may be too late for Kyle's mom, but I'm getting some God damned security! Scene Description: Skeeter's Bar and Cocktails, night. Aside from Skeeter, seven men are present. Jimbo, Randy, Stuart, and Stephen are at the bar. Mr. Tucker is at a table, while Steve Black and Mr. Testaburger stand Randy: Look, look, the thing is, do we tell Gerald, or do we just stay out of it? Jimbo: How do you tell him? "Hey Gerald, Sorry, but the UPS man is bangin' your wife." It's really none of our business. Stuart: If my wife was having sex with the UPS man, I'd want you guys to tell me! Stephen: How do you know she's not? I mean, think about it: this is a guy who visits all our houses during the day, who clearly has a kind of... insatiable lust... I mean, somebody who would have sex with Kyle's mom would have sex with just about anything! Randy: Oh, come on, he can't be trying that with all our wives? Mechanic: Wouldn't be the first time. [The other men face him] Hyeah, there's a price to be paid with having things convenient. Used to be... a man had to go to the store to buy himself a pitcher of milk. Hyeah, but men got lazy. They wanted that milk delivered right to the door. Only problem was, the guy deliverin' that milk end sup fuckin' your wife. Sure, you had your nice cold milk delivered right to your doorstep, but your wife was gettin' pounded out like a mallard duck. [takes his hat and heads for the entrance, then turns around] And now you got your Amazon. [puts on his hat] And the milkman's come back. [turns around] And none of ya are safe. [walks away, leaving the other men stunned] Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. A Wolf Security System truck is parked out front. In the living room, a security agent lists some things Liane and Cartman would need on their house to secure it well. Liane looks through the brochure. Security agent: And so you'd need the motion detectors in the living room and the kitchen, the touch pads at the front and rear doors, and break-in monitors on all windows. I'm afraid those are not secure at all. Cartman: Oh no, really? Liane: Oh, I'm sorry, but I really don't think I can afford this. Cartman: Mom, do you wanna get raped?! Haven't you seen their commercials?! You can get raped by a white guy these days, Mom! Liane: Ohhh... Security agent: Yes, unfortunately it's not enough to just be fearful of strangers these days. Cartman: What-what do you mean? Security agent: Well, many times, houses are burglarized by someone the victim knows. Cartman: Oh my God, I knew it! Kyle is always taking my stuff! Just yesterday I couldn't find my iPod headphones! That sneaky little Jew! Security agent: We realize that's a lot of money, Mrs. Cartman, but really, how much is feeling secure in your own home worth? Cartman: Yeah Mom! There's dangerous people trying to screw us both! Scene Description: The Marsh kitchen, morning. Randy waits at the breakfast table as Sharon washes dishes. Sharon: Don't you need to be getting to work, Rand? Randy: No, I think I'll uh, ...just hang out a little longer. [The doorbell rings] I'll get it. [Rises quickly and heads for the front door] UPS man: [Holding two boxes] Hey there, looks like I got a couple of packagers from Amazon for ya. Randy: [Warily] Oh, is that so? UPS man: If I can just get your signature right [Whips out the signature pad] there? Randy: [Signs the pad] Sure um... Chad, is it? UPS man: Thad. Randy: Thad. Nice. You um, havin' a busy day? UPS man: Oh you know, just, tryin' to get to everyone. Randy: Yeah I'll bet. [Gives him the pad back. Thad does a couple more things on the pad] UPS man: [Gives Randy the packages and walks back to his truck] Well, have a good one. Randy: Yeah, you too, Thad. [Closes the door and walks back to the kitchen. He puts the packages down on the counter next to the sink] Hey Sharon, these came for you. Sharon: [Smiles] Ooooo, stuff from Amazon? Randy: Yeah, w-what are they? Sharon: You know, to be honest, I can't remember? Randy: [In a deeper voice] You just... order stuff off of Amazon and you can't remember what? Sharon: [Opens the larger box] Ohhh yeahyeahyeah, these are the paring knives I ordered. Sorry, I think I was a little tipsy. [puts the knives back in the box and opens the smaller box] oh, and this is the book Stan's been wanting; can you take it up to him? Randy: Yeah, sure, 'cause... [backs out of the kitchen] people just order stuff from Amazon and... forget what they got. [goes upstairs] Scene Description: Stan's room, moments later. Randy enters the room with Stan's book. Randy: Stan, you got something from Amazon. [looks around and doesn't see Stan] Oh. [goes to Stan's desk and drops the book off there. He notices Ike's drawing and takes it, looks closely at it and gasps, thinking the drawing is of Sharon and the UPS man] Ooohhh shit. Scene Description: Cartman's house, afternoon. Cartman comes home from school and sets off the alarm upon entering Cartman: Oh fuck. [Goes to the touchpad by the door to shut it off] Oh what's the- God damn it! [The phone rings and he goes to answer it. He puts his left index finger in his left ear to hear from the right ear better] Hello? Scene Description: Wolf Security Systems, afternoon. It's a very nice office, but only one operator is there taking calls. Whenever the camera is on him, or on one of his colleagues later on, it moves around him to the left or right, never losing focus Jeff: This is Jeff with Wolf Home Security. Is everything all right? Cartman: Uh yeah, sorry, I live here, I just, I can't remember the code to turn off the alarm! Jeff: That's okay. Do you have your security pass phrase you can tell me? Cartman: Oh yeah yeah, my pass phrase is... Kyle is a dirty no-good Jew. [Thinks a moment] No wait, Kyle is a no-good lying Jew. Jeff: Okay, I've got something a little different here. Cartman: Uhhh, it is My friend Kyle is a no-good dirty...? Hang on, I've got it written down here somewhere. Jeff: No problem. Cartman: Sorry about this. Jeff: It's all right, it happens all the time. Cartman: 'Kay, thanks, I... Wait! Hang on a second! What do you mean "That's all right"! What if I was somebody trying to rape my mom?! Jeff: You want to rape your mom? Cartman: [Liane appears at the top of the stairs and becomes coming down, but stops to hear what Eric is saying] That's nice, you're so cool about me triggering the alarm and not knowing the password, but how do you know I'm not making it up?! I could have raped my mom twice by now! Jeff: You said you lived there. Cartman: [His mom goes back up the stairs] I do, but you don't know that! I could be Kyle trying to take more of my shit! Scene Description: Skeeter's Bar and Cocktails, night. The mechanic is back at his table. The shadows of a group of men creep up on him Randy: How did you get rid of him? [The mechanic looks at him] How did you get rid of the milkman? Mechanic: There's no getting rid of him. Not in any you folks would be prepared for. Noh, best you just let him go on fucking your wives. Maybe he'll get tired of it. Stephen: Damn you, it's not just our wives anymore! [The others look at him, he looks around] This morning, he came for me. I opened the door. It was the UPS man. He had a box from Amazon. I looked inside and found an adapter for an iPhone and then I remembered: I had ordered it! I ordered it the day before and I had barely any recollection. The UPS man is using his powers to try to have sex with me now. Randy: [Puts his hands on the table] You said we wouldn't be prepared to get rid of him. How did you? Mechanic: We used a pretty blonde to lure him in. When she answered the door she told the milkman to follow her to the bathrub. She took off her clothes and... asked the milkman to fill the tub with milk. The milkman said, "You want that milk pasteurize?" And the blonde replied, "No, just up to my boobs. I can splash it in my eyes." That's when we jumped 'im. It was over in minutes. Then we burned his body. You wanna get rid of the milkman? You gotta kill him and kill him good. And then you gotta go to the store for your stuff from then on. Scene Description: Cartman's house, next day. A cat burglar with cigarette is at Cartman's front door Cat Burglar: Hey, ey uh, [Takes a puff of cigarette] you want me to do this, you gotta pay up front, kid! Cartman: You'll get your money when you finish doing what I asked you, all right? Now as soon as I lock the door, just give me a few seconds to arm the system, then you break in and try to rape my mom. Okay? You got it? [closes and locks the door, then arms the system, then goes to the phone to wait for Wolf Home Security to call. The cat burglar pounds a window until it gives way and he goes in. The alarm goes off a second later. Cartman gets pissed off when the burglar breaks a second window and there's no response from Wolf. Finally the call comes in, and Cartman answers it] Hello? Michael: This is Michael with Wolf Home Security. Is everything all right? Cartman: [The cat burglar appears as he goes towards the stairs. He then stops] Uh, no, a man just broke into our house and he's about to rape my mom. [Softly, to the cat burglar while muffling the mic] Go go, she's upstairs. [The cat burglar heads up the stairs] Hello, did you hear me? A rapist is here; he's white! Michael: Oh-kay, should we contact the police? Cartman: Yes you should contact the fucking police! My mom is about to get fucking raped! Michael: Okay, we're contacting them now. Cartman: He's goin' up the stairs, dude, you'd better hurry! Michael: Try and stay calm, the police are on their way. Cartman: Well that's nice, maybe they could bring some cigarettes and Gatorade, 'cause the guy's gonna be pretty wiped out! [Looks at the phone] The fuck?! Scene Description: The Stotch house. Stephen goes to the front door and opens it. UPS man: Hey there, misterrr Stotch. looks like another Amazon package. [Smiles] Stephen: I know that what I feel for you is just some kind of spell. UPS man: [looks puzzled] ...Sss-sorry? Stephen: Just let me sign. [the UPS man hands him the signature pad, Stephen signs it and gives it back and gets his package, and the UPS man leaves. Stephen opens the box and pulls out a Bane mask, still in the plastic package. Then he whips out a flip phone from his back pocket and talks into it] All right, he's coming to you. Scene Description: The UPS truck, day. The UPS man gets into his truck and starts it up. A gun appears next to his face, ready to shoot at him. He's startled Voice: Well hello there, Mr. UPS man! UPS man: What are you-? Randy: [wearing his own Bane mask] You should have left our wives alone. Now let's go for a drive. UPS man: [the UPS man releases the hand brake and drives off] Look, you can have whatever's in the back! Ih-ihit's all stuff from Amazon! Randy: Oh no, pull in here. Scene Description: A U-Stor-It storage facility, day. The UPS man drives into it UPS man: Just let me go, huh? Randy: Oh, and then we'd miss out on all the fun! [the driver's side door opens and the other men from the bar, also wearing Bane masks, drag the UPS man out] UPS man: Aaawwgh! [they take turns kicking and punching him] Stephen: You should have never come to our town! [punches him twice, the second one sending him to Stuart] Stuart: A man's wife is his life, Mr. UPS man. [punches him three times, the third one sending him back to Stephen. The UPS man falls to the ground and the Banes start kicking him. A woman is heard screaming. She and her husband are shown] Woman: Oh my God. Man: Come on honey! [they run off] Randy: [whips out Ike's drawing and puts it in the man's face] Thought we wouldn't find out??? [drops it and the men scatter. Skeeter and Stephen go towards the camera and away, screen left. Stuart. Randy, and Mr. Testaburger run away from the camera, and Jimbo, Thomas, and Steve Black run off screen right. The UPS man is left alone, battered, bruised, and coughing up blood] Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. Someone knocks on his door five times, then tries to jiggle the locks open. Cartman: [stops] Who is there? UPS man: [opens the door and stumbles in] Please! [still gasping for air] Cartman: Oh?! Ohhh?! [backs away quickly. The phone rings, but Cartman goes to the kitchen to answer it] Yes? Yeah, hello? Varashnu: [with Indian Accent] Hello, this is Varashnu wit Wolf Home Security. Cartman: A man just broke into my house and is- [looks at the phone] Varashnu? I didn't sign up to have some Indian guy call me- Are you even in the United States?! Varashnu: ...Uh yes, I am in United States. Cartman: Oh, that is bullshit! Put your manager on! Varashnu: Okay, hold on. [transfers Cartman's call] Cartman: Heh- hello? Kevin: This is Kevin with Wolf Home Security. Is everything all right? Cartman: No, everything's not all right. How come a guy from India is calling me when my house is being broken into?! Kevin: We have alarms going off across the country fourteen times a minute. That takes a lot of employees manning phones. Cartman: Dude, I'm not paying all this money to have some guy on the other side of the Earth try and protect me! Kevin: Sir, it doesn't matter where we call you from, we still contact the police in your neighborhood. Cartman: Oh really? Oh okay. Gosh I'm so relieved! Thanks. There's still just one little problem: How do you know I didn't break into this house, set off the alarm, and now I'm stalling by being upset about the Indian guy and have actually stolen a bunch of shit, raped my mom, and you people have done absolutely nothing about it?! Kevin: I d-I d'uh... Wow, that just fucked my head. Cartman: Yeah I just fucked your head and the UPS guy just fucked my mom! [slams the phone on the floor] Scene Description: Park County Police Station, day. A crowd has gathered in front of the station. Sgt. Yates addresses the crowd's concerns. Sgt. Yates: All right, quiet down people, please! Quiet! [the crowd quiets down] I know you're all worried about your families' security. All I can tell you is that so far, Bane has not been caught. [the people begin to murmur amongst themselves] Mr. Mackey: Uh, what are we supposed to do? I mean if Bane is out there on the loose then none of us are safe. One Bane's bad enough, but apparently we got like, like seven Banes? Uhkay? Gerald: And what do we tell our kids?! We can't leave them in the dark! Randy: [aside to Gerald] Wouldn't be the only ones in your family completely in the dark. Gerald: What? Randy: Huh? Nothing. Sgt. Yates: Now listen! There's nothing more we can do to protect your homes. But there's someone here who says he can. [makes way for the security agent who visited Cartman and his mom earlier] Security agent: Hello folks, we're more than happy to get your homes safe and secure. Now, you're gonna be wanting monitors on all your doors and windows, motion detectors in the living areas, and I would also recommend you all get our newest personal security system to make sure your wives are safe outside the home. Randy: Whoawhoa, wait, wait. What do you mean? Spokesman: [in a commercial] Protecting your home and your family is hard enough! But sometimes alarms on your doors and windows aren't enough! A new security system allows not only for your doors and windows to be monitored, but your fear levels as well. [a 3-D schematic of a house is shown, with a person in it] A security system that is actually inside you. It's called IN-security. Husband: [with wife and twin daughters] We'll never forget the day we took our twin daughters to the beach. Stranger: Hehey, what cute twins. Wife: Thanks. Stranger: They're so adorable [whips out a crowbar and assumes a menacing posture. The wife instinctively tries to protect the girls] that I'm gonna bash their fucking heads in! [the alarm goes off and the stranger runs away, dropping the crowbar. The husband receives the call] Peter: This is Peter with INsecurity. Is everything all right? Husband: A white man just tried to murder our twin girls. Peter: I have a police car on their way with blankets and cocoa. [Next shot is of the whole family in blankets and sipping cocoa at the beach, with police cars around them and police officers investigating] Husband: I only hope other have people have INsecurity to protect their families. Scene Description: A shoe store. A woman is getting her son new shoes Shoe Salesman: Well, how's the shoe fit, pal? Boy: I think it fits pretty good. Shoe Salesman: Well okayhehe, let's see if it fits better than this KNIFE THROUGH YOUR FUCKING SKULL, BASTARD! [gets out a large knife and slashes the air with it.] Boy: Aaahh! [jumps into his mom's arms and the alarm goes off. The salesman drops the knife and runs off. The phone rings and the mom answers it] Mom: Hello? David: This is David with INsecurity. Is everything all right? Mom: [voice breaking] No, a white shoe salesman tried to murder my son. David: Hold tight. Police are on their way with blankets and cocoa. [next scene, mom and son are in blankets and sipping cocoa while the police investigate] Spokesman: Don't let your family become another statistic. Have piece of mind with... [the new company logo appears, with "Custom installation for only $99."] INsecurity. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway, day. Kyle and Stan walk along to class Kyle: It just keeps getting worse. I see stuff from Amazon almost every day. My poor dad has no idea. Stan: You're gonna have to tell him, dude. Kyle: I know... Cartman: [runs up to them] HaHA Kyle! Let's see you try and take my iPod headphones HOW! [wears a little sign on his head showing that ] Kyle: What?! Cartman: Just wanted you to know that if you wanna steal somebody's stuff, you should look elsewhere. Kyle: Nobody wants any of your stuff, you fat bitch! Cartman: Oh, fat bitch, huh?! [gets smug] Well it just so happens that this fat bitch has INsecurity now, Kyle, and so I'm protected from ALL you greedy little Jews until you and your people DIE OUT! Kyle: The Jewish population isn't dying out, fatass! It's growing! Cartman: What? [his alarm goes off, then he gets the call] Hello? Marcus: This is Marcus with INsecurity. Is everything all right? Cartman: Yeah yeah no, false alarm. I, I just heard some troubling news and it set off my INsecurity. Marcus: All right, could I just get your password please? Cartman: Yeah, it's um... it's uloveboobs. Marcus: I love boobs? Cartman: No, "uloveboobs." Lower-case u love boobs. Marcus: How did you know that? Cartman: My password is uloveboobs! Marcus: Oh oh I get it. That's pretty funny. Cartman: You, it's fucking hilarious! Now can you shut off my INsecurity please?! Marcus: Sure, here you go. [gets to resetting the system] Cartman: Okay. So anyway, Kyle, you'd better watch ih-! [notices Kyle is gone, but looks around] Kyle? God damn it. Scene Description: Skeeter's Bar and Cocktails, day. The men are back in the bar Randy: And then I had to drive to Walgreens, Barnes & Noble AND Ace Hardware. I tell you, having to go around and buy stuff again sucks. Stuart: Yeah, but at least we never have to deal with that UPS driver again. Jimbo: [bursts through the front doors] He's back! Stephen: What?! Jimbo: [runs to the bar] I just came from Will Patterson's house! His mother got three packages from Amazon! And the UPS guy told her what he'd like to do to her! Stephen: How? Jimbo: He casually dropped this on his way out! [whips out a sheet of paper, and the other men gather to have a look. It's Ike's drawing] Randy: [low voice] Oh my God! [now he and the men think the UPS man has made copies of that drawing and is dropping them off at every house] Mechanic: Didn't kill 'im, did ya? [the other men turn around] Yea', I didn't think you had it in ya. Randy: We scared him! We thought that'd be enough! Mechanic: Milkman don't get scared. Not with free pussy at every doorstep. Scene Description: A stakeout. Someone is looking at the UPS man deliver a package through binoculars. A woman answers the door, takes her package from the UPS man, and closes the door. The UPS man looks around to make sure no one is out to hurt him any further. He goes to his truck, then checks under it to make sure it hasn't been rigged with a bomb, then he looks around once more Stephen: Son of a bitch, it's him all right! Randy: This guy doesn't know when to quit! Stephen: He's stopping at another house. [the UPS man stops his truck, gets down with a new package, and goes to the next house, looking around] Steve Black: Guess this guy's a lot tougher than we thought. Must be why our wives want him so bad. Randy: [his INsecurity goes off] Sorry sorry, that's me. [gets the call] Hello? Alvin: This is Alvin with INsecurity. Is everything all right? Randy: Yeah, sorry, false alarm. Pass phrase is tickle me homo. [the other men glance at him] It's a joke. Scene Description: Kyle's house, day, living room. Kyle sits on the sofa between his parents Kyle: Mom, Dad, you've always taught me that being direct and honest is a basic Jewish tenet. Sheila: That's right, Kyle. Kyle: And that applies to all of us, doesn't it? Even though it's convenient to have things done for you, sometimes it's best to deal with it yourself. [the doorbell rings and he sighs deeply, then goes to answer it. The UPS man is on the other side of the door] UPS man: Uhh, hi, I got a delivery for ya? Kyle: Yeah. Come in for a minute, would you? UPS man: What? Kyle: Please? I need you to come sit down for a second. [puzzled, the UPS man comes in and sits down on the armchair. Kyle returns to his spot between his parents, and silence follows for a couple of seconds] So... Here we all are. Mom, do you want to tell Dad something? [she stays quiet] Mom? UPS man: What's going on? Kyle: You know God damned well what's going on! This ends right now! We are a family, and you need to go somewhere else! UPS man: Don't you think I want to?! [his UPS truck is shown in the background] I hate this damned town! Every day, things just keep getting weirder around here, and I'm just about sick of it![Randy and Stephen run out from behind the truck, and a few seconds later it blows up] Aaah! [runs to a window] Oh my God! [gets the call and answers it] Hello? Brian: This is Brian with INsecurity, is everything all right? UPS man: No! They blew up my car! They blew up my car! Brian: I'm sending help. Police are on their way with blankets and cocoa. UPS man: [goes up the stairs] They're after me again! Do something! Brian: Ho- hold on one second, sir, I have another emergency coming in. [switches calls] This is Brian with INsecurity, is everything all right? Cartman: [in the perfume section of a store, with a saleswoman behind the counter] Yeah, no, false alarm again. I'm in the store and some fat bitch asked me if my dad likes cologne. Gerald: [opens the front door] What the hell's goin' on out here?! [Stephen and Jimbo lie in wait for the UPS man] Jimbo: Stay out of this, Gerald! Some men care about what their wives are doing! Gerald: What?! You don't even have a wife, Jimbo! [Jimbo's INsecurity goes off, his phone rings, and he answers it] UPS man: [trying again to call INsecurity] Somebody answer me! You have to send help now! Martin: Sir, we are sending help. Just stay calm. [another call comes in] Hang on sir, this is Martin with INsecurity. Randy: [on the phone] Yeah, I'm thinking maybe Gerald's house is nicer than mine is. Martin: Hello, this is Martin with INsecu- Cartman: [outside a store] God damn it I've had it with you people! When I signed up, I thought I was getting CSI guys protecting my ass, but all of you answering the phones are complete retards![Martin is swamped with calls. Another one comes in] Hello? [his own INsecurity has gone off] Mike: This is Mike with INsecurity. Is everything all right? UPS man: [in the master bedroom] Hello?! Kyle: [sees the open door and goes in] Dude, come down here! UPS man: [panics] AAAAH! [jumps through the closed window to his death] Uf. [everyone else looks. Police arrive shortly with blankets and cocoa.] Sgt. Yates: So you say this man killed himself because he was a psychopath who was forced to have sex with his mother? [holds a sheet of paper in his hand] Stephen: Yes, we found that in his pocket. [points to the sheet, which the captain holds up. It's... Ike's drawing again] Officer: Sir, we found this in the closet upstairs? [It's the UPS uniform Gerald uses in roleplaying] Gerald: Yes, that's mine. Randy: Yours? What? Sheila: [rips the uniform from the officer] Give me that! What we do in our bedroom is our business! Kyle: Wait a minute, Dad was the UPS man? Gerald: Uhh, Kyle, uh sometimes when people get older they need to play and pretend to keep things interesting. Iiit's just a way I can still be intimate with your mother without relying on silly sexual enhancement drugs. [all the other men's alarms go off, their phones ring, and they all answer them] The men: Hello? Scene Description: Skeeter's Bar and Cocktails, night. The men return to the bar and find the mechanic at his table again Randy: It's over. But you were wrong. We don't have to be afraid of Amazon. The only price to be paid for convenience is that we must be secure with ourselves. Mechanic: Yea'. Got yourselves some nice home security systems, don'tcha? Payin' a man to do your job of protecting your house. Only problem is, while you're out feelin' like your things are safe, that security man is fucking your wife. Scene Description: Address 10228, day. The security agent is at the house talking to a woman Security agent: Doors and windows should be armed and your motion detectors are up and running, just call me whenever you need me back. [the woman closes her door and the agent goes back to his van. He gets in and sits down, preparing to drive. A gun pops up next to him, and he's alarmed.] Ah! Who are you?? Cartman: [in Bane mask] It doesn't matter who we are, what matters is our plan. You should have respected my authoritay. [the men return in Bane masks to haul the agent out and beat him up] Security agent: Hoo!

Scene Description: South Park Elementary School Cafeteria, day. The kids are seated for lunch. At the center table are Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Token, Clyde and Craig. Cartman runs in from the hallway Cartman: FELLAS! Fellas! Stan: What? Cartman: You'll never guess what happened. Butters just beat up Scott Malkinson! Kyle: Butters? [He and Stan look puzzled] Why? Cartman: It was crazy! Scott was just talking about how he needed to take his insulin shot, and out of nowhere Butters said he's sick of people with diabetes feeling sorry for themselves. Scott told Butters to shut up and Butters just started whaling on him! Stan: You're talking about Butters. Cartman: Dude, I'm telling you! Butters beat the crap out of Scott, and then he locked himself in the bathroom! [The other boys get concerned and leave their tables to go to the restroom] Scene Description: The restroom around the corner from the cafeteria. Jimmy has joined the boys. Stan bangs on the door Stan: Butters? Butters: Leave me alone! Stan: Butters, come out here. Butters: Get out of here, all of ya! [Stan turns to the other boys and shrugs] Kyle: Butters, people can't just go around beating up people who have diabetes! Now whatever your problem is, you just- Butters: [Runs out of the restroom up to Kyle and points at him] You just think you know everything, don't you Kyle?! Every little thing you gotta shoot your mouth off like you're the frickin' expert! Well you don't know everything because [walks to Stan and points him out] your best friend is a kid who thinks the entire planet revolves around him and he only cares about HIS image! [runs back inside the boys room, then turns around and runs to Cartman] You guys think Cartman is the only selfish piece of crap in this school? You're all fake and stuck up [moves over to Jimmy], and none of you have the courage to tell Jimmy that his jokes aren't funny! [moves over to Kenny] The only kid here with any sense of dignity is Kenny, and the rest of you have your heads up your butts! [Runs back into the restroom and locks himself in. The other boys are stunned and silent] Cartman: Well. Apparently Kenny is Butters' best friend. You guys gonna make out, Kenny? [Kenny flashes an angry look] Butters: [Runs out of the restroom again and storms up to Cartman] AND THAT'S ANOTHER THING! You're always trivializing everything I say by gettin' the last word! [Cartman looks stunned]Well you're not gettin' the last word this time! [Runs back into the boys restroom and locks himself in] Cartman: ...Wow. Butters: [Opens the door and peeks out] Double wow! [Closes the door and locks it] Scene Description: The principal's office, Day. Principal Victoria is talking to Butters and his parents. Principal Victoria: I'm sorry, but your son is distracting the other students and his attitude is just getting worse. Stephen: Butters, what on earth has gotten into you?! Butters: [In a gruff voice] I don't know, Dad, ah I was just pissed off, I guess! Linda: Do you think this behavior is fair to your teacher and classmates?! Butters: I don't suppose it is, but I don't give a darn! Stephen: Do you have any idea how grounded you are about to be, mister?! Butters: Why don't you shut up, Dad, and stick it in your ear, for cryin' out loud! [Both parents look taken aback as a moment of silence follows] Linda: [looks at Stephen] Stephen, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Stephen: Yes. Our little Butters is flowering. He has reached the age of panua. Principal Victoria: Eh-excuse me? Stephen: Principal Victoria, this isn't Butters' fault. Butters: It's not?! Stephen: It has to do with... biology. [turns right and walks off a bit] You've... maybe noticed that Butters isn't... exactly like other kids. Butters: Yeah? Stephen: You probably think Butters seems somehow... different. Butters: [normal voice] Hey yeah, all the time. Stephen: It's because he is. [Turns around and faces Principal Victoria] His mother and I... his whole family were... we're not of this place. Principal Victoria: Ah I'm sorry, I really don't understand. Stephen: Please, just try to understand that for our people it's a very private matter. He can't be helped by your discipline; this must be dealt with by his own kind. If it's all right with you, we'd like an extended leave for our boy. Please. It's a cultural thing. Scene Description: The Stotch house, day. Stephen and Linda argue as Butters sits on the couch Linda: I don't want him to go, Stephen, he's too young! Stephen: It's our people's way, Linda, you know that better than I do! Linda: Then we can go with him. Stephen: You know that's not allowed! Butters: Will somebody tell me what the frickity fookshmere is goin' on?! Stephen: Butters, you've reached the age where you must journey to your birthplace for the ceremony of hapa noa. Butters: Uhbu-but I'm from here. Stephen: No. We moved here just before you started pre-school. You were born in our native land, Butters. [Walks to a bookshelf and grabs a scrapbook] A distant and very secluded island world called... Hava'i. Butters: We're from Hawaii? Stephen: [Sits on the sofa next to Butters. Linda sits to his left] Only haoles pronounce it Hawaii, Butters, but those of us from Hava'i are a very special people. We have many customs and traditions to keep our culture alive. [Opens the book and points some pictures out to him] We drink chi-chi's from the coconut. We eat poke that the Safeway provides. And when we've chosen a mate, we marry at the fern grotto, as your mother and I did so... very long ago. As a Stotch, Butters, you are actually Hawaiian royalty. Your grandma and grandpa were there at the time of the King. [Flips backwards a few pages and shows him a picture of Elvis Presley playing a ukulele with a picture of Diamondhead in the background.] Butters: But what does being Hawaiian have to do with me acting like an emo chick on her period? Stephen: Not an emo chick on her period, Butters. Like a salmon needing to swim back upriver. All Hawaiians feel it. It is called "hapahui apahoha", and it means it's now your time to make your trip to our island home. You must do your walkabout to your homeland, Butters. And you must do it alone. [Linda stands up and starts crying. Stephen stands up and takes out his wallet] Take this, son. It is our Mahalo Rewards card. It will provide you with all you need. And now I must turn my back on you. [He turns his back to Butters. Linda weeps silently. Butters is speechless] Scene Description: The neighborhood park, day. The boys from the table are playing basketball, and Jimmy joins in. Kenny tosses the basketball at Kyle, who makes a shot, and Cartman runs up to them from the sidewalk. Stan catches the ball Cartman: Holy shit balls! Holy shit balls! Guess what, you guys? Holy shit balls. [The other boys gather around him] Kyle: What? Cartman: Butters just got on a bus with his backpack and said he's going to Hawaii. Stan: Hawaii? Cartman: He said he had to go back to his homeland, and then told me it was none of my business and to keep my fat mouth shut. Kyle: Dude, what the hell? Somebody's gotta stop him. Stan: [Turns to the basket] After all the things he said to us, he can go ahead. [Makes a shot at close range] Kyle: Kenny, you're clearly his best friend. Go stop him. Kenny: (I'm not his best friend.) Cartman: Yeah, Mr. Perfect, go rescue Butters so he can lick your balls some more. [Kenny sighs and walks away with his head down.] Scene Description: The airport, day. Kenny arrives and walks into the Alpha Air terminal. He sees Butters seated on a seat in an empty row, with two suitcases at his feet. He's sobbing. Kenny walks over Kenny: (Butters, come on.) Butters: They won't let me on the plane. Why, I can't do anything right! [Kenny takes one suitcase and Butters' right hand, Butters takes the other suitcase, and they walk. Suddenly Butters stops and pulls his hand away] No, no! I have to go to Hawaii, Kenny! I have no idea what's waiting there for me, but I guh, I can't go on like this! [Kenny sighs, then takes Butters to the teller] Kenny: (Excuse me, he needs to go to Hawaii.) Teller: I already told him, I can't allow anyone on the aircraft who appears to be intoxicated. Butters: I'm not intoxicated, you skank! I'm just "deligerent" because of my hapanuanalua! Kenny: (Please, could you just let him on the plane? It's really important. Please?) Teller: Tell you what: there's plenty of points on his Mahalo Rewards card. If you wanna fly with him, I can let him go. Kenny: (Me?) Butters: Can't you see I'm in horrible pain?! Do you have any idea what-?! Kenny: [Puts his hand over Butters mouth to shut him up] (Okay, okay! I'll go.) [Scene cuts to the plane flying towards Hawaii] Scene Description: Lihu'e Airport, Kaua'i, Runway B-5. The plane lands and Butters and Kenny enter the terminal. Butters has picked up his bags Butters: [Slowly, as he looks around] Well, we're here, now what do I do? [Kenny points to the information officer nearby, and they walk to him] Officer: Can I help you with anything? Butters: Uh yeah, I uh, I'm not sure where I'm supposed to go? Officer: Okay, were you with a cruise ship or land tour group? Butters: Oh, ah, I'm not a tourist. I'm a native Hawaiian. [The officer just looks at him. A group of Americans approaches him] Blond man: Butters Stotch? Butters: Yeah? Blond man: Welcome home, young keiki. Your parents said you would be coming for your ceremony. [Notices Kenny] Ah- uh, who's this? Butters: Oh thi-this is my friend, Kenny. Older woman: Butters, native Hawaiians don't really approve of haoles coming to their ceremonies. Butters: Oh please, i-if it weren't for him I couldn't have come. Blond man: Very well, we shall speak with the chief of our island and see. Come now. [Everyone leaves] Scene Description: En route to the chief, day. They go down the road, all packed into an SUV. Butters: You folks are all native Hawaiians too? Older man: [Driving] Yes. My wife Patty and I have been coming to Kaua'i for almost five years, and Bill and Donna actually own a time share in Poipu. Donna: Yes, but Poipu is getting pretty overrun with tourists, I'm afraid. Blond man: [Leans to the right, behind the older man] Let us eat. Older man: Oh yea, let us eat. [They stop at Kuwahara Saimin's drive-through] Aloha, five order of saimin, please. Butters: What's "saimin"? Patty: It's one of the foods of our people. Older man: Oh, I get 20% off, I'm a native. Here's my Mahalo Rewards card. [The cashier notes the card and takes the cash, the older man takes the food, and they're off.] Mahalo. [They soon find themselves behind a slow car with the passenger taking pictures of the scenery. The older man honks.] Come on, you frickin' tourist! Jesus, buy a post card! [Stops and points out a building] These are the ancient ruins of our ancestors. [It's the Coco Palms, long abandoned.] They say the spirit of the king is still in there. Blond man: You must stay away from this place. It is kapu. Brunet man: Kapu. that means "taboo", [points to Kenny] especially to haoles! [they drive off] Older man: Uh that there is Bubba's Burgers. [Scene shows Bubba's Burgers] In Havai'i us natives say "Bubba's Bruk". [they pass by a big hotel] Here's the Sheraton, just another megahotel for the throngs of tourists. Here's where many of us natives live. The Sheraton Residences. [A gated community is shown. The Older Man flashes his Mahalo Rewards card to the guard] It's all right, we're natives. [The guard opens the gate and lets them in. They arrive at the chief's residence and step out to talk to him] Protector and Chief, I present to you the keiki, Butters Stotch. Chief: Ah, Stephen and Linda's child. Last time I saw you, you were the size of a coconut. Who's the haole? Scene Description: Kenny's room at the Residences, night. He sits by the open window with a lit candle, a pencil and a sheet of paper. He begins to write. Kenny: My dearest friends,:I am living amongst the natives in the remote and tiny island of Kava'i. What can I tell you of this mysterious island and its people? It is a place of wonder, and yet to the outsider like me, a place of odd tradition. The people here are peaceful and joyous, and seem to care little for the rush and worry of the outside world. Their diet is mostly an odd mixture of coconut milk, pineapple juice, and vodka, which they call the chi-chi. As for Butters, he is quickly learning the ways of his ancestors, and seems to be feeling better with every passing day. He still seems quite angry at times, but luckily his ceremony will finally take place on the morrow. Scene Description: As he writes, the following scenes are shown: First, the Safeway supermarket. The people greet each other with a fist, with pinky and thumb extended. Next, three kids are playing in a pool while Donna enjoys her chi-chi and the older couple sit on chaise longues in the background. Next, Kenny is at the bar order a chi-chi. Next, Butters learns how to play bocce ball. Next, Stan reads the letter to Cartman and Kyle Stan: [reading the letter] "On the morrow"? What the fuck is wrong with Kenny? Kenny: To wit, I have found nothing wrong with this remote place, and I must admit it will be with some melancholy that I will leave this island and return home. I saw this chick in a bikini on the beach too. She had the nicest boobs ever. Humbly yours, Kenneth. Scene Description: A luau, day. All the natives are in line for lunch before the ceremony begins. Butters stands on a platform before the chief while Kenny watches on Chief: In the time-honored traditions of our ancestors, we honor the native Hawaiian Butters Stotch with his hapa noa. [everyone cheers and and woman slips a necklace onto his neck] The shark-tooth necklace represents your connection to our island. [a horn blower comes in with a conch shell and blows into it... badly] Now drink the chi-chi! [Patty walks over with a glass of it and gives it to Butters, who begins to drink it through a straw.] Butters: [turns right and coughs, then] Whoa, it's like gasoline! Chief: Drink, young keiki, and you will feel the last of your aggression melt away. Butters: [Finishes the rest of the drink, then stumbles just a little bit and smiles] Hey, uh now I do feel butter, uh better. Chief: O spirits of ancestors, we ask that you bless this native Hawaiian with his hapa noa! We ask that you- Blond man: [runs in] Listen! [climbs onto a table] Listen everyone! I have terrible, horrible news! Chief: Do you realize that you are interrupting a hapa noa? Blond man: I've just come from the front office! The Mahalo Rewards card is... [chokes] Chief: What?! What has happened? Speak! Blond man: The Mahalo Rewards card is being eliminated! They're trying to say our points are... are... no longer going to be accepted. Chief: [Rises from his chair and walks to his left] I knew one day it would come to this. Patty: To what? What does this mean? Chief: The haoles are trying to do away with us. Resident 1: With no rewards program, there will be no distinction between who's a native to this island and who isn't! Resident 2: Why can't you people respect our island? Why do you always want nore?! Chief: I'm sorry keiki, your hapa noa will have to wait! For we must unite together as never before! It is time to show the haoles that this is our island! [this draws cheers from everyone] Scene Description: A seaside golf course, day. A cruise ship is some distance from the shore when it blows its horn. A group of natives stand by their golf balls Chief: [Yelling at the ship] Stop ruining our island, haoles! FIRE! [The natives fire away into the ocean. Some of the golf balls land in the water, some of them reach the ship] First Mate: What are they doing? [The passengers are being pelted with golf balls.] Chief: [Walks over to Butters and gives him a club] Take a swing! Let them know they are not welcome! Butters: I've never done this before. [Gets into position] Chief: It's all right. Just try to tap into that anger that's inside you. Butters: Aim... my anger! Stupid [Swings successfully] Ben Affleck! [The golf ball sails through the air and enters the bridge, smashing through the window and the captain's binoculars. The first mate shrieks] Waaah! [The captain stumbles onto a controller and breaks it with sheer momentum. The ship begins to pitch back and sink. Passengers begin to tumble towards the water. Butters is dumbfounded. The ship breaks in two] Man: Hold on! [The golf club just falls out of Butters' left hand] Hold on! Woman: Oh I can't! I can't! I can't hold on! Man: I love you! I love you! Woman: No! I love you! I love you back! [The ship vanishes below the water] Scene Description: Breaking News Announcer: This is breaking news! Anchor: An insurrection in the Hawaiian Islands has escalated to war! After sinking a cruise ship, the natives of Kauai continue to go berserk, forcing all tourists off their island. Man 1: They just pushed us onto airplanes and said we weren't welcome anymore! Woman 1: Then a little boy called me a skank. Anchor: [A picture of Barack Obama appears over his shoulder] The President says he will send the Coast Guard to take the island back, though he sympathizes, being a native Hawaiian himself. [Thinks about it for a second] Hm. Scene Description: The ceremonial plaza, day. Chief: Are all the tourists gone from our island? Resident 3: All but a few who are hiding out at Duke's Restaurant. We sent Bob and Trisha Turner to smoke them out. Resident 4: What about him? Kenny: (What about me?) Resident 4: He's a tourist and he knows everything! We have to kill him! Butters: [Jumps in front of Kenny to shield him] No! Kenny's my friend! He's the only kid at school I actually like, you buncha jerks! Chief: Be careful young keiki, your anger still controls you because we were not able to finish the ceremony. Perhaps we should finish it now. Resident 4: Finish his ceremony?! We are at war, David! I have lived on this island for ten years. Ten years! Every July and part of August! And I can tell you all that what we are about to face from the haoles is nothing short of genocide! Resident 5: He's right, David. We can't trust any tourists. Butters: He won't betray us! Will you, Kenny?! Kenny: (No, I'm not going to fucking betray anybody!) Resident 6: Then let him prove himself! Trial by opahika'a! Chief David: He's only a child! Resident 4: If he wants to be one of us, then he must face the challenge! Chief David: Very well. [The horn blower, Resident 5, returns to blow the conch shell] Scene Description: On the bank of a river flowing by the Residences, day. David and Butters are there with the rest of the residents in the background, and Kenny is... Blond man: This isn't right! He's not a native! He's gonna get killed! Butters: Kenny, be careful! Chief David: Quiet. He must face this challenge alone. [Kenny is on a surfboard on the river using a small paddle to get somewhere] Resident 1: By the gods! Perhaps he has the heart of a native after all! Resident 4: He still has yet to make the turn! [Kenny reaches a buoy in the middle of the river and paddles around it, then makes his way back to the riverbank.] Residents: Hohhh! Resident 7: [A little tipsy from his drink] That's pretty good. [Kenny slows down, then loses his balance and falls into the river] Kenny: (Whoops!) Butters: Kenny! Residents: Awwwww. [A second later they all turn away and leave. Butters stays at the riverbank.] Resident 4: [To another Resident] I told you a haole couldn't do it! Chief David: Did you make the turn your first try? Did any of us? [Kenny pops up behind them and floats down the river] Resident 8: [A woman, walks up to Butters] Don't worry, Butters, your friend will find a way back to his kind. The gods will protect him. [She extends her left hand and guides him away] Scene Description: Kenny looks downriver and sees a waterfall. He panics and quickly dog paddles away from it, but the current overwhelms him and he goes over. He bumps into several rocks, each bigger than the last, on his way down, head first Scene Description: Smith's Tropical Paradise, day. David has assembled the residents into this building and now talks to them Chief David: We have called for this great meeting because if we are to survive this war, all the native Hawaiian tribes must join as one! Resident 9: We're not joining the people of the Hyatt Grand Vacations! They have no rights to call themselves natives! Vacationer 1: Oh and you do?! Your ancestors came on an airplane six months ago! Our ancestors sailed here! On a cruise ship! Nine months ago! Chief David: Look, if we are to fight the haoles, we have to allow all natives to stay! Canyoner: It doesn't matter how many tribes we have, we can't win! We are but a few against the haole's military might! We may have passion, but passion does not win wars! Chief David: Oh no? Come up here, keiki. Come on. [Butters gets on stage with David] This child sunk a cruise ship by himself! Tell them keiki. [Hands the mic to Butters] Butters: Well I don't know about the rest of ya, but I'm sick and tired of bein' pushed around all the time! I came all the way down here for my hapa noa ceremony, and I can't even have it, 'cause the fucking haoles have to ruin everything! Resident 9: Yeah! Vacationer 1: Screw them! Butters: Well if you ask me, the only good haole is a dead haole! With a, with a stick up his butthole, and his wiener cut off! Rraahhhh! Chief David: Let us make a pact with more chi-chis! Resident 10: [goes to serve himself some more chi-chi from the barrels, but finds there isn't any] Um, we're... we're out of chi-chis. Resident 11: Oh, right, we've closed off all the ports. Resident 12: But they're still letting vodka through, right? Uh... they can't cut off our chi-chis. Chief David: ...Oh my God. Scene Description: Downriver, day. Kenny crawls onto the riverbank, coughs, and looks up. He's across the road from Coco Palms. He stands up and walks towards it. He looks around and heads in, but first waits for a bunch of bats to fly out of the cavernous entrance. Meanwhile, offshore, the U.S. Coast Guard shows up in force to deal with the natives Captain: This is the U.S. Coast Guard! We have instructions to take you by force, if necessary! Chief David: [heading up a large group of natives] Ready? Fire! [the natives fire off their golf balls, but none of them have any effect on the Coast Guard] Captain: [Lowers his binoculars, then flatly] Fire. [The ships' guns fire away and decimate many of the natives] Chief David: Arm the bocce balls! [Surviving natives arm bocce balls into slingshots stretched between palm trees. One of them lands on the main ship with a heavy thud] Captain: God damn it. Chief David: Keep fighting! Stand your ground! Resident 4: We can't fight without chi-chis! Chief David: You can and you MUST! Butters: [He has six golf balls in front of him and he hits each one towards the Coast Guard] Stupid! Greedy! Haoles! Kill! Them! All! Scene Description: Kenny walks through the Coco Palms, which is dark and spooky. A voice is soon heard, and Kenny stops in his tracks. He turns and runs away, but steps onto a patch covering a hole on the floor and falls in. He recovers and looks up to see the shining ghost of Elvis Presley. He beckons Kenny to follow him, mumbling just like Kenny does. The King: Come on, come on. [Mumbles a few more things as they walk towards a door. Elvis stops and pulls a lever, and a wall rises to reveal loads of absolute vodka, pineapple juice, coconut milk, and macadamia nut liqueur, all the ingredients needed for chi-chis. Elvis walks up to the doorway and motions to Kenny] You know what chi-chis are, right? Scene Description: The Residences, day, on the ceremonial plaza, Chief David admits defeat Chief David: Listen everyone, we gave it all we had. It's over. We must go down to Nowiliwili Harbor, and surrender to the American government. Butters: [Runs onto the plaza] Surrender?! No, the heck with that! Resident 4: We can't hold out here any longer! Butters: Well I won't do it, you hear me?! I'm not licking anybody's... testes! Chief David: Young keiki, try to control your anger. Butters: No! This is our home! And I'm sick of everyone who thinks they're better than me just 'cause they've got good looks, and just 'cause, even after massacring Daredevil, they happen to come back and hit a home run that everyone likes! You shouldn't be able to be good-looking and be with Jennifer Lopez and be a good director! [Turns around and walks away] All right all right fine! Argo is a good movie! There, I admitted it! I told people that it didn't hold up, but it holds up god darn it! Ben Affleck has everything, GRAGH! Resident 13: Everyone! Look, I say! [Everyone comes to see, and it's Kenny coming back with a raft full of absolute vodka, pineapple juice, coconut milk, and macadamia nut liqueur. Everyone cheers him on] Resident 14: The haole did it! Kenny: My dear friends of the mainland,:What adventures I have found on the tiny island of Kava'i. I have truly become one with the natives, who found new courage to fight their oppressors. Chief David: We are not surrendering today! Go back and tell your leaders that we will fight them until the end! [Everyone cheers] Captain: You people just don't give up, do ya? Kenny: The American government finally gave in to the natives and had the Mahalo Rewards cards reinstated. Our two cultures, it appears, will once again live in peace. Scene Description: Everyone cheers, even the Coast Guard captain Kenny: With the war at an end, our Butters is able to have his hapa noa ceremony. And with any help from the gods, become his old cheery self again. Scene Description: The hapa noa ceremony, day. Butters will finally become a full-fledged member of his tribe Chief David: And so it is with great honor that we recognize these two natives with their hapa noa. Take your cards, boys. [Two women come up and give them their cards] Apuiloa hapnanoaha! Hapa'a'a hohaaa! [Resident 5 returns to blow the conch shell a third time.] It's finally over, young keiki. Is your anger at rest? Butters: [He thinks for a moment] Yeah, I guess so. Except it still doesn't change the fact that Ben Affleck gets to be handsome, talented, and then gets to go home and kiss Jennifer Lopez. Resident 15: Ben Affleck isn't with Jennifer Lopez anymore, he's married to Jennifer Gardner. Residents: Yeah, it's true, uh huh. Butters: What? Really? But I thought I was totally jealous of him. He's just married to Jennifer Gardner? Oh my God, I feel so much better. [smiles with relief] Kenny: (You do?) Butters: Yeah, ogh, I like that Ben Affleck guy. He's a good filmmaker. Come on, Kenny, I guess I owe the kids at school an apology. [He and Kenny walk off into the sunset] Did you see Argo, Kenny? It's a pretty good movie. Ben Affleck has a lot goin' for him. Not everything, but a lot. Whoopie!

Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. Sharon is carving a pumpkin at the dining room table, Shelly and Stan work on making the pie filling. Randy enters the house with gifts. Randy: [excitedly] Hellooo family! [closes the door] Who wants champagne? [puts the gifts on the sofa] Sharon: [meeting him at the sofa] Randy, what is all this? [Stan and Shelly follow] Randy: It's finally happened, Sharon! [makes to fists and draws them to his chest] I did it! [raises his fists up and lowers them quickly, then opens the gifts. He gives the first one to Sharon] Here you are, my lady. A brand new leather coat, pour vous. Sharon: [happily] Oho, Randy, it's beautiful! Randy: [proudly] And some gifts for the kids too. After all, we're rich now. Stan: [gets his gift] We're rich? Shelly: [gets her gift] Finally. Sharon: Randy, are you being serious? [smiles] Randy: I just wanted to wait until the deal was all finished. We are going into business for ourselves! You are all looking at the new owner of Blockbuster Video! [Sharon frowns] Stan: [somewhat confused] Blockbuster Video? Randy: Last week, I saw it was up for sale. On a fluke I asked how much. $10,000! Can you believe it?! We have the entire business! And we can watch movies whenever we want! Come on, you guys wanna see it? Scene Description: On the road, day, under some ominous clouds. Randy drives him family out of town Randy: You're gonna love it, Sharon. It is in pristine condition. Sharon: I just wish you'd have talked to me before spending all our money. Randy: Sharon, it was $10,000 for the entire place! It wasn't gonna last! Don't worry, we'll make the money back in a week. Guaranteed. You excited, Stan? Stan: Huh? Sorry, I'm watching a movie on my iPad. [they reach their destination and exit the car, and have a look at the place] Randy: Well? There she is. [a building in the middle of a parking lot, looking nice, but silent.] It's a new beginning for us! [takes out the key to the building and goes to the front doors to open the store up. The others follow.] Shelly: [staying by the car] I don't wanna go in there. Randy: Shelly come on! Scene Description: Blockbuster Video. The store is dark. A mouse runs past as the camera pans from left to right. Randy opens the door and they all enter. Randy flips on the switches. Randy: Can you believe it? Completely turnkey! [walks towards the shelves while his family stays by the front doors.] Yo got your sci-fi, comedies, buddy flicks, chick flicks, all on Blu-ray or DVD! [returns] Well, what do you think? Stan: It's awesome. You should try to get it on that Ancient Civilizations show so that people can see how cultures used to live. Randy: Oh hahahaha, I get it. Blockbuster is so out of date it's ancient. Haha Sharon, okay I get it. Sharon: I didn't say anything. Randy: You were thinking it. But you're wrong. The average person still wants to rent movies they can hold in their hands. We're gonna have customers up our ass Sharon, UP OUR ASS. Scene Description: FRIDAY Scene Description: Randy waits behind the counter for his first customer. Sharon is reading a book, Stan is watching something on his iPad, and Shelly is sorting the DVDs out. Randy: How many uh, how many copies of Meet The Fockers do we have in stock, Shelly? Shelly: Six. [picks up another DVD from a stack] We still, have, SIX. [turns and puts it on a shelf with more copies of the DVD] Randy: Okay good, that's... that should that should be good... Shelly. Scene Description: SATURDAY Scene Description: There's still no business at the store. A red rubber ball bounces towards the front door Boy: Go get it, Fillmore! [the boys are on a low cliff across the street.] Fillmore: No way, I ain't goin' neer that place. Yeeeyou go get it. [they panic as the front door opens. Randy picks up the ball and sees them] Randy: Hey, you kids lookin' to rent some DVDs? Boy: What's he talkin' about rentin' a divadee? Randy: [annoyed] Oh I get it. Blockbuster's so old it's creepy! Haha! Nobody rents movies anymore! [raises his arms as if to grab something] People just don't know we're open yet! Fillmore and Friend: AAAAAH! [turn right and run off] Randy: [throws the ball back across the street.] Little fucking pricks. [goes back inside and closes the door.] Scene Description: TUESDAY Scene Description: Randy walks through the store until he passes an aisle with a woman in it, then steps back and approaches her Randy: Hello, welcome to Blockbuster! [the shopper looks through the TV series boxed sets] Can I help you find something? Shopper: I can't find... [turns her head to face Randy] Turner & Hooch. [turns back to the videos] Where's Turner & Hooch? Randy: Oh, ah, I believe we have that over in the uh- Shopper: Aahh... [her voice echoes as she dissolves into thin air] Randy: [stunned, then annoyed] Oh. Oh I get it! [looks heavenward] Video stores are so old they have ghosts in them! Okay, thanks! I get it! But you're wrong! Ghost: [floats by] Emily? [turns into the aisle where the woman was] Emily, the war is over! Let's go rent a movie at Blockbuster! Randy: Hahaha, haha! You can be a spooky ghost all you want, it wasn't a stupid idea to buy this place! Ghost: The hounds are calling, Emily. Let's rent something now! [floats past Randy] Randy: I'll have you know that Netflix, Hulu, and Crackle still don't make the money Blockbuster does! Streaming movies is not for everyone! Ghost: [turns around and looks at Randy] The hounds, Emily! The hounds! Randy: Go ahead! All you want, bro! All you want! It was a great idea, but no! Everyone just wants to prove that Rrrandy's gone crazy! [sticks his tongue out and makes noises at him] "Oh don't mind Randy, he's just losing his mind!" [Stan, who doesn't see the ghost, watches from a distance] Drrrr! You know what? Fuck you and Emily! Stan: [turns and walks to Sharon, who's at the counter looking up things on the ancient CRT monitor] I think something might be wrong with Dad? Sharon: Ya think? [Stan glances up at her] Scene Description: WEDNESDAY Scene Description: HALLOWEEN. It's sunset and kids and their parents are out trick-or-treating. Butters and Jimmy run into Cartman and Kenny, who are not in costume Butters: Oh hey Eric and Kenny. You guys don't have costumes? Cartman: We're actually on our way over to Kyle's because our costumes are so multi-faceted and cool we have to put them on together. Kenny: (Yeah.) Cartman: Uhhh what are you supposed to be, Butters? Butters: I'm a wereprechaun. You know, a leprechaun that's been bitten by a werewolf. And Jimmy's Gangnam Style. Jimmy: Wop. Wop, Wop wop, Wopwop Gangnam Style. [grins] Cartman: Yyeah, really cool, guys. You'll be some stiff compettion at the costume contest for sure. Butters: Come on! What are you guys goin' as? Cartman: [walks off with Kenny] You'll just have to wait and see. Scene Description: Blockbuster, at that moment. Sharon dresses Stan up as Captain America while Shelly reads a magazine behind the counter Sharon: I think that's good. Feel tight enough? Stan: Yeah, it's awesome! Thanks, Mom. Sharon: Let's see the shield. Stan: [takes up the shield and strikes a pose] Put down the blue orby thing, Red Skull! Sharon: [claps] Yehay! Randy: [arrives] Hey, whoa, what are you doing? Sharon: Stan's about to go out with his friends. Randy: Nono, I need everybody tonight! [Stan loses his enthusiasm] It's our big night! Sharon: For what?! Randy: Agh! It's Halloween! Everyone rents scary movies on Halloween! I'm sorry Stanley, but I need your help here! Shelly: God I hate this family! Sharon: Randy, let him go trick-or-treating. Randy: [walks over to some end display] You guys don't understand. We're doing a big Halloween promotion! I've put up flyers and I've got apple-bobbing [a cauldron full of them] and candy corn [in a display case]. This is the night we turn it all around. Stan: [disappointed] Dad, nobody's gonna come. Randy: Oho you'll see! I'm sorry, Stan, but in about thirty minutes this place is gonna be swamped with people trying to rent DVDs! Stan: Renting DVDs is more ancient than Madonna's boobs! Randy: Ew! [turns right and walks away] That's enough, Stanley! Ew, gross! Stan: [moments later, on the land line] I can't go trick-or-treating! My dad says I have to stay and help with the store! Yes, I'm serious! I know it sucks, Kyle! Kyle: [dressed as Thor, in his living room] Dude, you can't do this! How can we be the Avengers without Captain America? Stan: I know, but there's nothing I can do. Kyle: But what about the costume contest?! Kenny: [dressed as Iron Man, comes in from the kitchen] What's going on, Kyle? Kyle: Stan can't come. Cartman: [dressed as Hulk, comes in from the kitchen] Stan can't come?! But he's fucking Captain America! Stan: I'm sorry you guys. My dad is doing a big Halloween promotion. Kyle: Does anybody even go to Blockbuster anymore? Stan: No dude. Nobody. My dad... he's kind of losing it. To be honest, I feel kind of bad for him. Randy: [appears from an aisle] Stan, get off the damned phone! People are gonna start callin' to reserve movies! Gau! [goes back into the aisle] Stan: Oh never mind, I hate him again. Kyle: Dude, you can't miss Halloween! You have your iPad? Stan: Yeah. Kyle: Okay, I'm gonna go grab mine. I have an idea. Scene Description: The neighborhood, later. Kyle pulls a skateboard along on which his iPad is mounted, and Stan is shown on the iPad Kyle: All right, where should we trick-or-treat first? Stan: How about we try the Barkers? Oh, no, it looks like they're not home. Cartman: This is fucking ridiculous! We've been planning this Halloween for two months, and Stan has to go and ruin it! Kyle: He looks fine. Stan: Oh, let's go to the Petersons' house. Cartman: Yeah, he looks totally fine, except that when we walk up to a house, people are gonna be like, "Oh wow, it's the Avengers, and some Captain FaceTime skateboard guy!" [they head for a house to their left. Kenny rings the bell. A man opens the door holding a bowl of candy.] The boys: Trick or treat. Stan: Trick or treat. Man 1: Oh wuhow! Look honey, it's Iron Man, Captain America, Thor, and Bruce Vilanch. [Each of the boys (except Stan) make a pose when their respective costumes are said] Cartman: [dropping his pose] I'm not Bruce Vilanch! Man 1: Oh, what are you supposed to be? Oh [snaps his fingers] oh, right. You're supposed to be that um... uhhh... [puts his left hand to his head] Cartman: The Incredible... Man 1: Right right, the incredibly Chaz Bono. Remember honey? Dancing with the Stars? The fat transsexual? Woman 1: [raises her palms up, then rests them on her legs] Ohhh, cute! Cartman: No not Chaz Bono! Do you see my skin?! I'm green! Woman 1: [quick gasp] The incredible Harvey Fierstein? Man 1: Nnoo, Harvey Fierstein's just gay and fat, honey. He's not green. Cartman: The person I'm dressed as is not fat, and not gay! Man 1: The incredibly fat and gay skinny straight man? Cartman: [loses his cool and shuts his eyes] JUST GIVE US SOME FUCKING CANDY! [moments later they're on to the next house] It's Stan's stupid Captain America costume! That's what's throwing everybody off! How are people supposed to get that I'm the Hulk when Captain America is on freaking FaceTime?! [Kenny rings the door bell. A man opens the door holding a bowl of candy.] Kenny: Trick or treat. Man 2: Ohh wow, it's the Avengers! Cartman: That's right! Man 2: Oho, and Honey Boo Boo! [Cartman glares at him. The man looks back inside the house] Kids, come see the green Honey Boo Boo costume! Scene Description: The sidewalk across from Blockbuster, Halloween night. A couple walks along laughing over something Girlfriend: Oh, it's getting colder out. Boyfriend: Yeah, you can definitely tell that winter's coming. [the woman glances to her right, then turns her head to the right. They both stop walking] What's the matter? Girlfriend: That old creepy place. I saw someone in the window there. [as they look, Randy appears at one of the windows and beckons them to come in. Then he holds up a HALF OFF sign and shakes it a bit] Boyfriend: Come on, let's get out of here. [puts his arm around her shoulders. They hurry off.] Randy: [sighs and throws down the sign in frustration] They'll come! [walks off slowly and his voice gets deeper] Sooner or later! They'll have to come! Scene Description: Blockbuster, maybe an hour later. The store is fully lit, but there's still no business. There's more snow on the parking lot so that it's almost fully covered. Randy's anger has solidified into a slumped angry walk as he wanders the aisles, grunting and spazzing every once in a while. He stops to fix some DVDs that are out of place, then walks to the candy display under glass in the counter Randy: [closes his eyes and sobs a bit] Wuhy? Why isn't anyone showing up?! [uncovers his eyes and moves his palms down to his cheeks] It's Halloween night! People should be renting spooky movies! [places his hands on the counter] What's happened to the world? Things used to be so simple. [notices something and pounds the glass] Good evening, fine sir! I would like to rent a movie! Ghost 2: [a former Blockbuster employee] Of course, Mr. Marsh. What'll it be? Randy: I'll take a DVD of Robocop 2 and the director's cut of Blade Runner. Ghost 2: Coming right up. [goes to retrieve the videos] Randy: No place like the video store, eh, my friend? Convenience at its peak. Ghost 2: [types in the order] Your son and wife don't seem to quite agree with you about the video store. In fact, your son seems to think video stores are... as ancient as Madonna's boobs? Randy: He's a... he's a very... progressive... little boy. Gets it from his mother. Ghost 2: If I may say so, Mr. Marsh, your Blockbuster will never get any customers with those two Negative Nancys sabotaging you. You may need to do something... rather extreme. [more sinister] If I may say so, Mr. Marsh. [Randy looks at him, then at Stan, who is off in a corner looking at his iPad.] Stan: Trick or treat. Ghost 2: You are the owner of Blockbuster, Mr. Marsh. [Randy feels the pressure and resists it] You must be willing to do anything. Randy: No! No I won't do it! Leave him out of this! He's just a little boy! [notices Stan looking at him] Hey Stan. [turns and walks away] Scene Description: Another neighborhood, night. The boys continue their trick-or-treating. Kyle: We still have an hour before the costume contest, so let's hit the house on the uh- Cartman: Dude dude dude! Check it out. [points to something across the street... a robbery in progress. One robber is outside a Kum & Go minimart. He breaks a surveillance camera with a crowbar, then jimmies the door open and goes in] Stan: What? What's he doing? Kyle: Somebody's breaking into that Kum & Go. Cartman: [turns around] You guys, we've gotta stop it! Kyle: [turns around] Yeah dude! We are the Avengers! Stan: Hey, where did you guys go? Kyle: [turns his skateboard around] Oh, sorry dude. Stan: All right Avengers, what say we take this scumbag down?! Kenny: Stan and Kyle, you take the back entrance. Cartman and I will block him from the side. Cartman: Cartman SMASH! [they turn around and go into action] Scene Description: Kum & Go, inside. The robbers get to work Robber 1: All right, the camera's out. Hurry up, you two! [the other two robbers are trying to break into a Red Box rental box. They succeed, and some change falls out] Robber 2: What the? You told me these things were full of money! Robber 3: It's Halloween. I thought everyone would be renting spooky movies. [the boys break into the store, with Cartman acting like a rampaging Hulk] Kyle: [holds up his sledge hammer] For Odin! For Asgard! Robber 4: Who are you?! Cartman: [roars some more, then] Oh crap, there's a bunch of them. Never mind. [walks to the counter and sees a dead clerk slumped over the counter] Holy shit, they shot this guy! Kyle: Oh my God! Kenny: Dude, fuck this. Let's bail! [the boys head out the front door with the robbers in hot pursuit] Robber 4: Get 'em! Scene Description: Blockbuster, at that moment. Sharon is on the land line with someone Sharon: Oh my gosh, that's so cute. And so what is little Monica wearing? Oho, I bet she's adorable. [Randy rises up from behind the bargain bin] No, we've just sort of been here for the most part. Yeah, are you guys staying in? [Randy slides to his right and out of view] You're watching The Thing? Oh that's fun. On Netflix or Hulu? On your Xbox, uh huh. Yeah, no, at some point I'm hoping we can just call it a night and go home. [Randy appears from the right side of the store, way in the back, then disappears again] No, you don't need to send help. Thanks, though. Are you guys getting a lot of trick-or-treaters? Yeah? Oh really? [Randy reappears from the left side of the store, right behind Sharon] Oh, Barbara and Michael? Oh yeah. Uh huh. Ha-hang on a second Karen. [covers the mic and turns to Randy] Can I help you with something? Randy: [in a deep falsetto] According to industry experts, many rural areas don't have the bandwidth to support DVD-quality video in streaming services, and won't for years to come, making DVD rentals still the best movie-watching option. [they look at each other for a few seconds] Sharon: [goes back to her phone call] Sorry, Karen, you were saying? No, it wasn't a customer. No, it's just Randy. [Randy turns around and leaves] Yes, a customer would have been nice, I know. Scene Description: Back the the Kum & Go... Robber 1: God damn it those kids saw us! And you let them get away! Robber 3: It was the Avengers, Brad! [Robber 2 appears at a doorway] Robber 2: Hey, we caught one of them. We got him tied up in the back. [hurries to the back, and the other two follow him] Scene Description: The back room. Kyle's iPad is strapped to a chair Robber 1: All right, who were your friends? Stan: Just let me go! We're nobody! We didn't see anything! I pro-I promise! Robber 2: He's lying. They saw everything! Robber 1: Let's try this again. [takes out a switchblade and walks up to the iPad] Stan: No! Dude, please! This is my best friend's iPad! [the robber scratches the glass, leaving a deep gash] Noo! Okayokay, okay! Their names are Bruce, Tony, and Curt Robber 4: Hey, one of them dropped this. [a flier] It's an invitation to a Monster Mash at the community center. Stan: No no! We weren't gonna go there! Robber 1: [puts away the switchblade and backs off] Sure you weren't! [walks away] Get rid of him! Stan: NO! [shakes his head] I won't say anything, I promise! [Robbers 2 and 3 take the iPad out to the car] Scene Description: The two robbers take the iPad to the side of the road in a desolate place. The trunk pops open and the two robbers look at the iPad Stan: What are you gonna do? [Robber 3 takes the iPad out and carries it away] Please! Please just let me go! No! Robber 3: Sorry, kid. End of the line. [throws the iPad into a ditch next to the road. The two robbers get back into the car and drive away] Scene Description: Blockbuster, later. Randy has a fixed, angry look on his face as he watches a TV screen. On the screen is Ted, a teddy bear brought to life and now living with his owner as an adult. Ted and his owner share chips and John Adams beer. Over by the counter, Stan tries to make a call, but the cable has been cut in two Stan: What the hell? [gets off the stool and walks over to Shelly] Shelly I need to use your cell phone. Shelly: [hurriedly and worriedly looking through her duffel bag and back park] I can't find it, Somebody took it! Sharon: [coming in from outside the store] All right Randy, where are the car keys?! [gets no answer] Randy, where are the keys to the car?! [still gets no answer. Randy is transfixed] God damn it! [walks away in a huff] Scene Description: The desolate place, later. The couple who walked by Blockbuster before are walking along a path. The girlfriend holds on to the boyfriend's arm Boyfriend: Did you have fun at the Halloween party? Girlfriend: I did. Thanks so much, Ben. And thanks for walking me home. [she notices something off to her right and stops] Ben: [the boyfriend] What's the matter? Girlfriend: What is that? [lets go and walks towards the item] Ben: Whaht is what? Girlfriend: [stops by the iPad] Somebody dumped a... Oh my God, Ben, it's a little boy! [picks up the iPad, which has Stan back onscreen] Hello? [wipes the screen clean] Are you okay? Little boy?[the screen brightens up] Stan: Huh? Wha? ...Oh, oh hello? Who is that? Girlfriend: It's okay. Try and stay calm. Stan: Oh, ah thank God you found me. Ben: What is he doing way out here? Stan: You have to get me to my friends! They aren't safe! [Ben and his girl look at each other] Scene Description: Park County Police Station, night. The three Avengers are at the station talking to Sgt. Yates Kyle: And then we ran out of the Kum & Go and these guys, th-they took our friend. Sgt. Yates: Sounds like you're talking about the Red Box killers. They've murdered over a dozen people trying to get the cash from Red Boxes. Cartman: Oh my God. You mean they don't know people can stream movies cheaper and more conveniently online? Sgt. Yates: Apparently not. These are dangerous guys. Do you have any idea where they were headed? Officer: Sir, there's a kid over at the hospital saying he saw everything. Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital. Kyle's iPad is on a bed being tended to, and an officer stands by taking a statement from Stan Stan: They said they were heading to the big party at the community center. You have to stop it. My friends are in trouble. Kyle: Stan! [leads the other Avengers and the police into Stan's hospital room] Stan: Guys, you're okay! Kyle: What happened to you? Stan: It's all right, just a scratch. Cartman: Hey, this means we can still make the costume contest, you guys! Stan: No! They're looking for you there! [to Sgt. Yates] Sir, you've got to cancel the Monster Mash. Sgt. Yates: What?! Are you crazy?! We can't cancel the Monster Mash, it's Halloween Night! It's the Monster Mash's biggest night of the year! Officer 2: The Monster Mash is only on Halloween. [another officer quickly shushes him] Kyle: Dude, if these guys are as bad as you say, then we have to do something! Stan: Yeah, people are gonna get hurt. Sgt. Yates: How many people at the Monster Mash? Officer 3: Most of the town, sir. It's a graveyard smash. Officer 4: Look, whatever we do, we'd better hurry. It gets on in a flash. Sgt. Yates: You boys say you can identify the Red Box thieves? Kenny: Yes. We saw their faces. Sgt. Yates: All right then. We're gonna have to send one of you into the party in disguise. Scene Description: The Monster Mash, night. PSY's song, "Gangnam Style", is playing as the town gathers inside the community center, which is decked out for Halloween. Many of the guests are dressed as PSY. Butters: That sure is a great Gangnam Style costume, Craig. I'm a wereprechaun. You know, a leprechaun that has been bitten by a werewolf. [a giant stops by] Oh wow! Nice costume, Stan. It's Gangnamstein! Stan: Shhh. Don't say my name, Butters. I'm here undercover. Butters: Okay, Stan. Enjoy the Monster Mash. [Gangnamstein turns left and runs into a man] Stan: Oops. Man 3: Gaaah! Stan: Hey, be careful in there. Officer 3: [side the Gangnamstein outfit] Sorry. I can't see a thing in here. Stan: It's all right. Let's go straight. Now turn left. Okay, now go about ten steps. A Banana: Wow, Gangnamstein. I wish I'd have thought of that. Scene Description: Back at the Blockbuster, Randy now walks around in a limp and hunched over Randy: Stan?! Daddy wants to have a little talk, Stan! Stanny boy?! I'M COMING! [notices a video and stops] Oh look, Wedding Crashers. [takes it and carries it around, then notices Shelly and stops] What are you doing, Shelly? Shelly: [sprays some lighter fluid onto some DVDs on a rack, then lights a match] Nothing, Dad. Go back to killing the family. [tosses the match onto the floor] Randy: Okay. [walks on] STAN! [Shelly squeezes some more lighter fluid onto the racks, which quickly go up in flames.] STANNY BOY, I'M COMIN'! Scene Description: The Monster Mash. Mr. Mackey is at the podium dressed as PSY. Mr. Mackey: Hokay everyone, it's time to start the costume contest. m'kay. Stan: Wait a minute. There they are! Mr. Garrison: [turns around] There's who? [the four robbers are shown] Stan: Listen everybody, those guys right over there are- [some rustling is heard and Randy takes Stan's iPad from him] Randy: Who are you people?! You aren't real! Officer 3: Hey hay, I can't see! Where do I go? [begins to walk blindly, and the transformation to Gangnamstein is complete] Randy: Do you think I'm crazy for buying Blockbuster?! I'll make you pay! Alluh! All! [everyone begins to run out of the community center.] I got a little somethin' for all of you! [takes a golf club from a golfer and starts swinging it around] Run! You'd better run! Scene Description: a family watches a movie on an XBox in the living room. Gangnamstein crashes through the front door. Randy: Waaarg! Look at the people watching movies on their Xbox. Haarrrr! Family: HAAAAA! [they get off their sofa and run] Randy: Haarrrr! [walks forward] Scene Description: A toddler's room. Two little boys watch a movie on a tablet. Gangnamstein breaks through the bedroom window and the boys hug each other in sheer fright. Randy: Raaaawr! [falls to the floor, but gets up again] Filmore and Quaid: AAAAA! Randy: Streaming Halloween 4! Hahaha! Filmore and Quaid: [get off the bed and run] AAAAA! [run out of the house, with Gangnamstein behind them] AAAAA! Randy: AAAAA! [a spotlight shines on Kyle's iPad] AAAAA! [Gangnamstein raises its arms to shield itself from the light. Yates and his officers have arrived and are ready to shoot] Sgt. Yates: FIRE! [the officers fire away] Randy: Arrrg! [looks to his left] Hey, what are you doing?! Stan: [gaining control of his own iPad] It's mine, Dad, get your own! What the hell's going on?! [Officer 3 takes the iPad off and throws it away while he keeps getting shot, and finally falls over dead. The gunfire stops] Sgt. Yates: We got the sonofabitch! Officer 5: Wait, wasn't that Peterson in there? [Officer 2 shushes him quickly] Sgt. Yates: Well, I hope you guys have learned that crime doesn't pay. Robber 1: Not with the convenience of online streaming it don't. Butters: Kyle! Kyle! It's Stan! He's dying. [Kyle knows what this means and walks over to his iPad] Kyle: Stan? Stan: Hey dude. Kyle: The judging's almost done. You're gonna make it. [the low battery indicator pops up - 5% remaining] Oh God. [turns to the gathering crowd] SOMEBODY GET ME A CHARGER! [turns back to Stan] Hold on Stan! Don't die on us! Stan: It's okay Kyle, It's okay. Hit OK. [Kyle does so, and the indicator disappears] You guys go win that costume contest. You can do it. Lift the trophy for me. Kyle: You're gonna see it. [to the crowd] WILL SOMEBODY GET ME A GOD DAMNED CHARGER? Stan: Just have a good Halloween, you guys. And Kenny? Kenny: Yeah, Stan? Stan: Stay gold. [the iPad runs out of juice and the screen goes black, except for some symbols indicating the iPad needs to be recharged. Cartman roars like Hulk in agony.] Scene Description: Blockbuster, midnight. Randy walks out of it in a stupor while flames inside it get bigger. Randy slurs his speech so it's hard to understand Randy: Stan?! I'm comin'! I'm comin', Stan! [mumbles incoherently again, waving the videos he took with him in anger] Stan! [finally collapses into a snowdrift] Scene Description: Blockbuster parking lot, morning. Randy is now frozen and covered in snow. His facial expression has gotten worse. Sharon, Stan, and Shelly arrive some time later Sharon: I spoke with the insurance company. [the destroyed Blockbuster is shown] They said we can get some of our money back. Not all of it, but some. You wanna go home? Get changed? Take a shower? Randy: [through frozen lips] No... Sharon: You wanna just sit here a little more and be frozen? Randy: Yeah... Sharon: You want me to bring you some McDonald's? Randy: Okay... Sharon: What do you want from McDonald's? Randy: Chicken nuggets... and fries... sweet and sour sauce... and a Hi-C Orange. [Sharon and the kids turn and walk away. Presumably Sharon has the car keys now. Stan returns and replaces the videos Randy has in his hand with the same movies on his iPad]

Scene Description: Walgreens, day. A line of people starts at the store entrance and goes out for blocks. Inside, two pharmacists sit at a folding table removing wristbands from people Pharmacist: Next please. [one man gets off a stool and leaves, and another one steps up and sits in it] You are sure you want to do this? Man: Of course I'm sure! Pharmacist: [gets out some scissors and motions to the man] Okay, roll up your sleeve. [the man rolls up his sleeve as if he's going to receive a flu shot. The nurse sees the yellow bracelet the man is wearing and cuts it off, then puts it into a small tray to her right. The man looks a bit relieved] Scene Description: Outside, Cartman waits for his turn to get the wristband cut off Cartman: [upset] I can't believe we all got duped. I've been wearin' this stupid things for months! I feel like such a tool. Scene Description: Inside, Clyde gets his wristband removed Clyde: Lying jerk! [hops off the stool and leaves. Mr. Mackey steps up and sits down on the stool, sobbing] Pharmacist: [snipping off the wristband] Hold still please. Mr. Mackey: [stands up and turns to leave] I don't know what to believe in anymore, okay?! [walks away still sobbing] Cartman: All right, let's do this! Make me believe in something that's bullshit, will you?! [begins to roll up his sleeve, but then] Oh, hold on. [takes off his jacket and lets it drop to the floor] Aah, let's see... that one. [the same yellow one the others are having cut off. She cuts that one off] Stupid fraud! [spits onto the band] Good riddance to YOU! [picks up his coat and puts it on, walks off, and another man replaces him. The pharmacists adds Cartman's wrist band onto the others] Man 2: All right, I'm next! I'm next! Get this thing off of me! [the pharmacist does so.] Scene Description: Outside, Cartman walks out to find Kenny, Kyle, and Stan waiting for him Kyle: Did you do it? Cartman: Yep, it's done. You know I spent five bucks on that stupid thing?! Kenny: (I told you it was a bad idea.) Cartman: Oh don't even start, Kenny! Just because you guys didn't buy into the bracelets doesn't mean you're smarter than me, okay?! [Stan sighs and steps forward, turns right and walks away] What's wrong with him? Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. Stan walks in and sees Randy on the sofa with a bottle of beer in hand Randy: Oh I feel like such an idiot. Stan: It's all right, Dad. Randy: But I wore that wristband everywhere, and the guy's a complete phoney! [turns on the TV and raises the volume] There's even more coming out about it today. Anchor Tom: These latest tests are once again confirming that the performance-enhancing drug HGH was in the body of Christ at the time of crucifixion. All over the country people are having their "What Would Jesus Do" wristbands cut off. It was just last week a team of scientists found traces of HGH on the Shroud of Turin [actual footage of a corner of the shroud being analyzed is shown] , along with several other illegal compounds and painkillers. [some lab testing is shown, then a panel of scientists addresses the issue] Lead scientist: Without a doubt there was uh HGH in the body of Christ at the time of crucifixion. Jesus did not suffer for our sins, he was in fact very high. Randy: All the years of being told somethin'. It's just so unfair! Anchor Tom: Priests and bishops have been working overtime to remove Jesus from the record books and from The Last Supper. [a painter is shown painting over part of Jesus' head. Next, Benedict XVI is shown speaking to the crowds at St. Peter's Basilica. The subs say "It's really a shame that Christ had to bring this embarrassment onto the church. We cannot tolerate any deity who used illegal substances to perform his miracles."] Randy: I know people that paid ten bucks for those bracelets. I bet they all feel pretty stupid now. [Stan lowers his head and walks away. He goes upstairs to his room, enters and closes the door, and sits at his desk. He rolls up his left sleeve and gazes at his WWJD bracelet. He sighs heavily.] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The school day starts with the kids entering the main building. Butters: Yeah, and so, and so then, I asked Preacher, "Well, what about the New Testament?" Cartman: Uh huh. Butters: And he says, "Well you still should oughta read it, but you're gonna need to put an asterisk next to Jesus' name whenever it comes up." Cartman: So weak dude. Dark times, brah, dark times. [reaches his locker and opens it, then notices Stan. Butters walks over to Craig and another boy.] Dude, what the hell? You're wearing a "What Would Jesus Do" bracelet! Stan: All right all right, I got it a few weeks ago. Big whoop. Cartman: The big whoop isn't that you have one, the big whoop is that you're still wearing it! Butters: Yeah, Stan. Didn't you hear Jesus did all his miracles on drugs? Stan: Yeah I know. Cartman: Well don't you care?! Jesus Asterisk Christ, Stan! People are feeling really cheated by all this! Mr. Mackey: [walks by in a zombie-like fashion] Wuughhhuh. Where do I go? What do I do? Craig: Cartman's right. If you care about fairness, Stan, then you really have to lose the bracelet. Stan: Look I just don't want to, you guys. Honestly, it's not that big a deal. Scene Description: The Charlie Rose logo pops up on a TV Announcer: It's the Charlie Rose show. Here's Chuck. Charlie Rose: We are here tonight with the only person in America who still wears his "What Would Jesus Do" wristband. Please welcome Stan Marsh. A Voice: Dick! [Stan looks around] Charlie Rose: Stan, after everything that's come out, after all the facts have been proven, why do you still wear the wristband? Stan: I don't know, [looks at his wristband] I just like it. Charlie Rose: You just like it. Stan: Yeah. I donno. I've had it a long time, I just don't feel like cutting it off. Charlie Rose: Well joining us now is just one of the billions of people who think that anyone who still wears their "What Would Jesus Do" wristband is doing all of society a disservice. Chris Martin you say that Stan Marsh is... a dick? Chris Martin: Yeah, yeah, thanks Charlie. My problem with this kid is he doesn't care about the truth! Okay, if Jesus rose from the dead with the help of drugs, that's fine, but then he went on to say it was a miracle, and that is where it became dangerous! What about the Incas?! What about the Aztecs?! Millions of people who were murdered in Jesus's name, and then Jesus turns out to be a fraud! Wearing that bracelet is a slap in the face to everyone! Charlie Rose: What do you say about that, Stan? Stan: ...I don't know. [checks his wristband again] I like it. Charlie Rose: All right, well we searched high and low to find my next guest who actually agrees with Stan Marsh, and thinks he's doing the right thing. Please welcome a retarded fish. [the fish, wearing a cycling helmet, babbles in the water] Now, Retarded Fish, you don't see any problem at all with someone keeping their bracelet [the fish babbles some more] Chris Martin: That that's because, that's because you're a retarded fish, and you don't know any better! What about the Crusades?! The Inquisitions?! How many people were tortured to death for somebody who is a fake?! [the retarded fish lets out a short "blat"] Charlie Rose: What about the Crusades, Stan? Does that enter into your decision at all? Stan: No, I just, I don' know. No. Charlie Rose: Anything to add, Retarded Fish? Retarded fish: Nnno, No, I'm good. Thank you. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Stan walks down the hall and Mr. Mackey spots him Mr. Mackey: Stan! Hey Stan, can I talk to you? [Stan stops as Mr. Mackey approaches him] Listen, Stan, ah I just wanna tell you... You've really been an inspiration m'kay? Stan: I have? Mr. Mackey: Yeah. You know, I can't believe in Jesus anymore, 'cause he's a damned fraud, so what I'm gonna believe in is just bein' me, and bein' independent like you. So what I did is I got this brown bracelet to remind me of standing my ground, uhkay? And just believin' in the cause of bein' me. Stan: You're wearing a bracelet to think of me? Mr. Mackey: Oh I'm not the only one. There's lost of people doin' it. [Butters walks by] Hey Butters. Stand ground. Butters: [turns around and lift up his right arm] Stand ground, Mr. Mackey! [Stan is surprised to see Butters with a brown bracelet. Butters turns around and walks to his locker] Mr. Mackey: Anyway, thanks Stan. And... you know, just keep on, keep on standing your ground, okay? [walks away. Stan walks over to Butters] Stan: You're wearing a brown bracelet, Butters? Butters: Well yeah. [points to it with his left hand] It helps remind me that I shouldn't back down anymore when I feel pressure from other people. I just got really moved when I saw what did for all those farmers in Belarus. [switches folders] Stan: ...Farmers in where? Scene Description: A farm in Belarus, day. A group of farmers face down some bulldozers. A different language is spoken, but the subs say Worker: Move aside, farmers! This land is no longer yours! Farmer: We will not move aside! We will stand our ground! [shows off his bracelet] Like the child on the Charlie Rose show! [the other farmers cheer him on] Stan: Dude, where are people getting all the brown wristbands? Butters: I donno. I got mine down at 7-11. [takes Stan down to the store] See? Right here. [a small rotating stand stocked with Stanground Bracelets is shown] Clerk: Hello, you interested in the Stanground braceleh-OH! Wow, it's you! [lifts up his right arm to show off his bracelet] Stanground, brah! Stan: Wow, this is happening so fast. Steve Nelson: Hello Stan, Steve Nelson with Endorsement Management. Are you ready for your Nike commercial? [looks at Butters, who smiles back at him] Scene Description: The Nike commercial Stan: [looking out over a river from a stone bridge] My friends told me I was crazy, [jogging down a sidewalk in a Nike jogging suit] that I was wasting my time. [holding court at a press conference. Cameras all around him take pictures] But my cause is to stand my ground. [sits in a park, then stands up as the sun sets] When others sat, I kept my bracelet on, because I stand... [faces the sun and raises his left arm, still wearing the bracelet. It begins to glow] for standing. Scene Description: At a Sizzler Waiter: Would you like to be seated? Stan: No thanks. I'll stand. Scene Description: At the movies Moviegoer: Hey, you wanna siddown? Stan: I'm good. Scene Description: On a flight Flight attendant: Sir, the captain has asked everyone to take their seats. Stan: Tell the captain to take off. [At the gym] People ask me, "You never took the bracelet off? Not once?" [outside, with a sunset behind him] No. Never. Not. Ever. [Three phrases pop up onscreen: "STAN for something. STAN up. STAN ground."] What do I do? I Stan ground. [a double swoosh appears onscreen] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Mr. Garrison writes up a bunch of stuff on Dr. Drew Mr. Garrison: Now, when Dr. Drew told Jeff Conway he was on a one-way street to nowhere, what tactics did he use to try and convince-? [a classroom door flies open and a bunch of men pour in. Among them is the lead scientist on the Shroud of Turin.] Lawyer: Mr. Marsh, if you don't mine, we'd like to see your bracelet. Stan: For what? Lead scientist: If you have nothing to hide, then please hand it over, Mr. Marsh. Kyle: What are you people talking about? Field reporter: Are we good? We live? Tom, I'm here at South Park Elementary, where officials have barged their way in after reports of Stan Marsh of the Stanground Foundation did in fact at one point remove his yellow bracelet. Rumors have surfaced that Stan did not stan his ground as previously stated, and that the wristband is in fact superglued back together. Lead scientist: Please let us check your wristband for superglue. Stan: No! This is stupid! Butters: He's the one person who doesn't do stuff like that! Why don't you leave him alone! Lead scientist: Are you afraid we might find glue on your bracelet, Mr. Marsh? Stan: No! I never cut if off! Lead scientist: Then, let us ah-see it. Jimmy: [pounding his desk with his fist] This is an outrage! Who out there is saying that our friend Stan is a liar? Lead scientist: I cannot say, but he is a reliable and credible source who is of the utmost prestige. Butters: Who? Lead scientist: All right, it was Craig. [another scientist steps aside to show Craig] Cartman: Craig?! You asshole! Stan: What's the big idea, Craig?! Craig: It just looked like you cut it off, that's all. Stan: You got nothin' better to do than try and knock me down?! You can't just say anything you want about people! Butters: Ooo, look at him go, Stanning his ground! The Class: Yeah! Stan: You know what happens when you lie, Craig?! You hold that lie inside! Butters: Go Stan! Stan: And it grows and it grows, right in your balls, until they have to cut it out! Butters: ...A little unnecessary, but go Stan! Stan: Go ahead and test it! Then let's just see what happens to this money-hungry, alcoholic prostitute! The Class: Yeah! Butters: Prostitute! Scene Description: Breaking News Announcer: This is breaking news. Anchor Tom: The tests are done and the results are in. The little boy who claimed he never cut off his "What Would Jesus Do" bracelet did cut it off, and lied about it. Lead scientist: Not only did we find traces of ah-superglue, but of yellow magic ah-markeur as well. This is a dark ah-day for honest French-Swedish people everywheure. Anchor Tom: Though the tests seem conclusive, Stan Marsh continues to deny any cheating. Scene Description: Stan's room, night. He's got posters of STANdground all over his walls, but he's pissed off. Someone knocks on his door Stan: Yeah. [the door opens and Kyle enters] Kyle: Hey dude, people are kind of pissed off at you. Stan: Thanks Kyle. Kyle: You probably should come clean and tell the truth. Did you superglue your bracelet? Stan: Why does it matter?! Kyle: Because you kind of made it matter. Stan: You know, I'm just, I'm just through with this whole thing! I just, I can't put my family through any more of this! Kyle: S-so you did superglue it. Stan: [hops off his bed and walks over to his desk] Ugh, you know what's really sad?! That this is what matters to people! What nobody seems to remember are the farmers in Belarus! STANground is bigger than me! You wanna tell all those farmers in Belarus it's all bullcrap?! Kyle: Dude, the sooner you eat your peas, the sooner you can try to win some of your friends back. Eh ya you need to Bill Clinton this. Stan: You really think I went through all that trouble, lying about my wristband and claiming to be something I wasn't, for what, Kyle?! For what?! [Kyle looks around at all the Nike merchandise] This is a witch hunt, dude! It's all that stupid French scientist! He's the fraud, and I'm gonna prove it! Scene Description: The lead scientist's mansion, night. He's dressed in pajamas and doing squats in his bedroom as his wife reads a book in bed Wife: Would you mind getting me some water, darling? Lead scientist: Can't you see I'm trying to do ah-my calisthenics? Wife: But my throat is parched, dear, and I'm so scared of burglars. Lead scientist: [stops and turns towards the bedroom door] Is ah-tap water going to be okay, or do you want me to go down to Crystal Geyser and bring Her Highness some right from the spring? Wife: Tap is fine, dear. [the scientist leaves] Scene Description: The lead scientist's mansion, night, outside. A shadow appears and approaches the front door. Scene Description: The lead scientist's mansion, bedroom. The scientist gives his wife a glass of tap water and goes back to his calisthenics Wife: What was that? I could have sworn I saw something outside. Lead scientist: It's ah-your imagination Wife: [moments later] Oh darling, could you change the channel for me? The remote is dead. [the scientist glares at her, sighs heavily and goes to the TV, which is set to a show on the Jewelry & Gold Shopping Network] Lead scientist: [feeling bossed around] You just want me to change the channel or should I go and make a TV program written ah-just for you?! Wife: No, just change to channel 10, thanks. Lead scientist: It's ah-starting to feel like ah-The Carole Burnett Show in here. [clicks through the channels] Scene Description: The lead scientist's mansion, elsewhere. The shadow is now inside, and it bumps into a table on which a vase sits. The vase falls and shatters Wife: What was that?! I think somebody's here! Lead scientist: [back to his squats] Maybe it's ah-the peepee fairy so somebody can ah-take a peepee for you too. Wife: Please I'm terrified. Please go check it out. [the scientist again sighs heavily and leaves the room] Scene Description: The mansion, elsewhere. The shadow approaches a corner when Stan comes in from the other side of the screen. The shadow turns out to be Jesus. Stan: Jesus! Jesus: Shhhh. Stan: What are you doing here? Jesus: My child, the man who lives here has led a witch hunt to destroy my legacy. I am simply here to search for something I can use... Stan and Jesus: ...to discredit him too. Jesus: That's what I'm doing. [the lights come on] Lead scientist: Oh, it's ah-Tweedle Dumb and ah-Tweedle Dee trying to break in-ah-to my house! Stan: Jesus, everyone is claiming you were using drugs to resurrect. Why didn't you say anything? Jesus: Sometimes it is best to say nothing, my son. Stan: Yeah, I've been kind of seein' that. Lead scientist: Ah-excuse me, I'm sorry to intrude, but do you want to please ah-leave or should I make you some kofel bread and ah-sausages?! Scene Description: The living room, later. They stay for bread and sausages. Stan: It all just happened so fast. The next thing I knew I had a Nike commercial. Jesus: Yeah, I know how it goes. Stan: Everyone hates me now, and it isn't fair. Jesus: I know. I just feel like if people could see me in action again, they'd they'd realize I'm not a fraud. Lead scientist: [returns in a maid outfit over his pajamas] Here you go, kofel bread and some sausage for you. Stan: Thanks a lot. [the scientist turns around and leaves.] Jesus, did you take HGH to do your miracles? Jesus: NO! Pff! That's just... no! Okay? No. Everyone just lost their faith. Did you cut your wristband off, my son? Stan: NO! Pff! No, that's no, okay? No. And anyway, it's not even the issue. Jesus: Pff, I know, right? Stan: Pff it's like, that's here [puts his hand up, palm down, about two inches above the bread] and... Jesus: Pfyeah and we're, like, you know, p-yeah, here. [briefly raises his left hand, palm down, to about six inches above Stan's head] Stan: Pff, there's there's farmers in Belarus who are in a life and death struggle. THAT's what should be important! Jesus: P-yeah! Instead of focusing on us, we need to get everyone focusing on what matters! Where's Belaruh-ruh-roos? Stan: Exactly! People don't even know where it is. Jesus: Maybe, if we could get people to care about it, then I could go and save it, and people would be stoked on me again! Stan: How can we raise awareness? Jesus: We need to get some bracelets. Scene Description: Something straight out of Dr. Seuss, day, Scauses Factory. Inside a fantastic building sits a man behind a warped desk. Stan and Jesus sit on two thrones opposite him P.F. Pityef: Welcome, welcome, to the P.F. Pityef Bracelet Factory. How can I be of service? Stan: Well, we wanted to start a new movement, and we thought since your company makes all the bracelets... P.F. Pityef: Ah, I see you're wearing one of our brown scauses already. Delightful. What color would you like your new scause to be? Stan: Our... scause? P.F. Pityef: Well of course! You came for a scause to wear on your paws. And you want others to wear yours upon thaurs. Jesus: I'm confused. P.F. Pityef: Hm. Perhaps I should start from the beginning. [Stan and Jesus look at each other. What follows is a montage of Seussian animation elaborating on the poem below] In the modern age there are those who believe That a cause is a thing to be worn on one's sleeve. [the time frame here is the 1920s, based on the style of dress. everyone has their arms raised to show off their scauses] And so, we sell a cause. It's called a scause. And wearing a scause gets you lots of applause. [opens some doors to show some clapping machines] We start with some plastic which is shirped by our shirpist Then dip it in colors that show off your purpose. There are green scauses for recycling, blue scauses for kitties, [Animal Rights] And pink scauses that focus on nothing but titties. [Breast Cancer] Do you hate abortion? Ah! Then a white scause is for you! [Pro Life] Why not champion your scause with some sparkles and glue? We make scauses for this! We make scauses for that! [Chilean Miners, then Save The Dolphins, then Stop Water Pollution] Why there's even a scause for just being fat! [Test Subject, with a Tree Hugger on the side] What's the matter? Can't think of a scause? [talking to Jesus] How about raising awareness for the hairs in your schnozz? Let's just think of the thing that you care about most. [talking to Stan, so Belarus] Then let's make it orange, like marmalade toast! And now I'd like to say "thank you" for your coming down. I'm off to go sell these in your little town! Stan: Dude, the hell just happen? Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The students mill around in the hallway before class. Mr. Mackey walks among them. Mr. Mackey: Kids? Kids, okay, I need to talk to you about a serious matter. [the group he addresses includes Red, Bebe, Butters, Jimmy, Craig, and Clyde] You probably all noticed my orange wristband [shows it off], mkay? It's to show my solidarity with the people of Belarus. [Stan is at his locker and notices, then turns toward the locker and smiles to himself] Mkay, you should know that the Belarusian government is right now trying to- Craig: We know, Mr. Mackey. We all have our Belarus bracelets too. [the kids raise their arms to prove it] Mr. Mackey: Oh you do? Ya you got you got those? Okay, okay, that's good! Good you're doin' something about it, m'kay. [sees another group of kids and goes towards it] Uh hey kids. Kids over here... Cartman: [meets the first group] Dude, what's this about orange bracelets? Where do you get them? Clyde: There's a guy selling them downtown. But they're not made from recycled plastic. Cartman: Dude, I don't give a crap about using recycled plastic! Clyde: Yes you do. [tugs on the yellow wristband] Cartman: ...Oh, I guess I do care about that. Huh. Butters: [approaches Stan] Hey Stan, well, some people are sayin' that you knew what you were doing all along. That, that you, you cut off your wristband on purpose to shed light on the Belarusian farmers. Stan: People are saying that? [pleased] Butters: Yeeah. Is it true? Stan: Wow! You know, whatever it takes, Butters. People are aware of the problems in Belarus; maybe I did it all on purpose or maybe it was just a coincidence. Butters: Heyah, whatever Stan. Yeah I thought you were a butthole, [pokes Stan in the belly] but n-now I think you're a good sneaky little butthole. [smiles, turns and walks away] Stan: [looks heavenward] We did it. [Butters goes around a corner and out of view] Scene Description: The news. Anchor Tom: It has become the biggest concern for most people. The farmers of Belarus and their plight against their government. And now one person is taking it upon himself to end the crisis. His name? Jesus. Scene Description: Belarus, day, a field. A group of farmers faces bulldozers and tanks. Jesus: These are very troubling times and these farmers are literally fighting for their lives. You know I'm uh, ah-I'm here just to do whatever I can. Field reporter: Jesus, some people might be thinking you're doing this as some kind of a publicity stunt to put to rest the rumors of your drug use? Jesus: You know, ah I don't even have time to think about that. This is a crisis that needs my attention and I'm just here to do whatever I can. I've talked to the government here and I've talked to the farmers, and I think we have everything just about worked out. [a tank unleashes a bomb and a bunch of farmers are killed] Farmers: AAAAH!! [the tanks open fire with machine guns; more farmers are killed, until the last one falls] Jesus: You know, whatever stupid rumors people wanna believe about me, it doesn't change the fact that the people of Belarus need my help. Field reporter: Ah I believe it's Belarus, Jesus. Jesus: Yes, it very well may be if we don't do something now. [the tanks and bulldozers move forward to crush the corpses of the farmers] Field reporter: Um, so you think you've something here to keep the conflict from escalating, is that right? Jesus: I'm just doing what I've always done. People wanna know what I'm on. What am I on? I'm on a farm in Belarus busting my ass! What are you on?! Field reporter: Uh huh, and now that the Belarusian farmers are all dead, what will you try next? Jesus: What? [turns around] Aw, shit! Scene Description: South Park, day. P.F. Pityef is in town and has set up a makeshift Scauses stand on an empty lot between two other buildings. A small crowd is in front of the stand. In the crowd are Cartman, Butters, Craig, and Mr. Mackey P.F. Pityef: One at a time, please. One at a time. Mr. Mackey: Look, I want to return this orange bracelet, m'kay?! [it looks like everyone else does too.] It's worthless now! P.F. Pityef: Not a problem, you can return your scause and for just five dollars I'll give you two more! Cartman: [steps up] Okay, I need a violet one for domestic violence, a lime one for herpes, and a jade green one for how much I hate Kyle. P.F. Pityef: Absolutely! Five dollars please. Scene Description: Stan stands across the street from the stand, and Kyle walks up to him. Kyle: Heidi Turner said you asked her to borrow superglue last week. Stan: [glares at Kyle] Are you still on that dude?! Have you ever heard of ends justifying means?! [a bouncy noise is heard] P.F. Pityef: Oh my, it's the sound! Butters: Wu-what sound? P.F. Pityef: Of all sounds in all sounddom this one's most profound. [puts his ear against a funnel in which a penny circles round] That's the sound that means I must pack up my tent. It's the sound of the last cent being spent. [quickly goes to a control panel and starts pressing buttons, and his stand collapses into a truck. He gets in and drives off] My work here is done, and just look at you now! You're all covered in scauses from your hoof to your brow. Enjoy all your scauses. You look great in your cause. Be sure to give each other lots of applause. I'm off to the next town in my little truck. Have a nice day! Toot a loo! Cartman: ...Fuck! Dude, weak. [the town is covered in scauses and looks like a Dr. Seuss town] Scene Description: Stan's house. Jesus and Stan sit on the sofa looking dejected Stan: It's almost like... like, that guy had this figured out all along. Jesus: Yeah... Stan: We were trying to do good. But we got everyone duped by a bracelet company. Jesus: Yeah, well, I guess we're just gonna have to accept that people aren't gonna think very highly of us. Stan: Well... we can't just let that guy get away with taking everyone's money. Jesus: What can we possibly do? Stan: [after a long while] What would Jesus do? [Rocky fanfare plays and Jesus slowly gets energized. He gets off the sofa and walks to the dining room table, reaches into his robe and pulls out a big bottle of HGH. He plants it on the table and opens it. He pours some into the cap and drinks it. He transforms into a superhuman and flips the dining room table over. He turns and breaks through the front wall, obliterating the front door, and runs off to find the charlatan. Stan looks on] Yeheah! [Jesus goes to the Scauses factory and flips over every truck he finds in his way, then bursts into the factory. He beats up all the workers there] Jesus: Vengeance is mine! [he destroys the assembly line] P.F. Pityef: No please! Please show mercy! Jesus: Get out! [picks him up and shoves him into a grinder. P.F. Pityef is ground up, but his remains clog up the grinder and raise the pressure throughout the factory. Soon the factory blows up. Everyone in town has shown up to see this and burst into applause. Later, Jesus is back to normal and on a small hill - a mount - and speaks to the crowd] Jesus: Thank you my children. [the crowd quiets down] We've all been through a lot. We got caught up in scauses... that didn't mean squat. They turned my message away from the teachings it hid, and made it about me and the things that I did. Which of course I didn't do. And even if I did use performance-enhancing drugs, so did all the other prophets. But I didn't. So what have we learned from this great wristband theft? Maybe, that when stripped of our scauses, only causes are left. And causes shouldn't be worn on our wrists with a sneer. Let's keep our causes where they belong, which is [places his hands over his heart] right here. On T-shirts! [opens his robe enough to show his cause] Free Pussy Riot! [the crowd begins to clap and cheer] Mr. Mackey: Free Pussy Riot! The boys: [look at each other and then] Yeah!

Scene Description: A shot of Denver, Colorado, Tuesday. It's election day, 8:05 in the morning, Mountain Standard Time. At a Baptist church, a line of people waits to vote. Denver poll worker: Okay, Mr. Thompson, voting line is right over there. [Mr. Thompson walks off] Next, please. [Cartman shows up dressed up in his festival best - dress shirt, suspenders, hat with a ribbon on it, and an all-day sucker. He's going to play on the sympathies of the elderly poll workers] Cartman: Mom? Mommy? Where's my mommy? Denver poll worker: Oh dear, did you lose your mother, little boy? Cartman: MOM! Denver poll worker: Security? Denver guard: [shuffles up to the poll worker] Heaah? Denver poll worker: This little boy lost his mom. Cartman: She said to wait for her by the... plastic boxes if I got lost. Denver guard: It's all right, come on. [takes Cartman's hand and walks him away] Scene Description: a plane zooms through the sky. Cartman has an aisle seat, and he checks his watch. Scene Description: North Carolina, 12:18 pm Eastern (or 10:18 am Mountain, for reference). At the Charlotte Community Center, Cartman runs in, still in costume Cartman: Mom? Where's my mom? Charlotte poll worker: Oh dear. Did you lose your mommy, little boy? Scene Description: a Jetstream Air zooms through the sky. Cartman has a middle seat. A flight attendant walks by and stops. Flight attendant 1: [to the aisle passenger] Would you like some warm nuts, sir? Cartman: [wriggles in his seat and laughs] "Warm nuts", she said. Scene Description: Florida, 3:40 pm Eastern (or 1:40 pm Mountain). At a polling station in Citrus County, Cartman stops in and clears his throat Cartman: Mom?! I lost my Mooohhm! Scene Description: a plane zooms through the sky. Cartman has an aisle seat again, and a flight attendant walks his way with snacks. Flight attendant 2: Warm nuts, sir? Warm nuts? Cartman: [breaks into a smile and laughs] No way dude. No way. Scene Description: Ohio, 5 pm Central (4 pm Mountain) Cartman: MOOOM! I can't find my mooom! Scene Description: a plane zooms through the sky. Cartman has a middle seat again, and a flight attendant stops to offer the aisle passenger something. Flight attendant 3: Would you like warm nuts, sir? [the man accepts the nuts and smiles] Cartman: Ahaha, okay okay it's getting old. [both passenger and attendant frown at him] Scene Description: Las Vegas, 3 pm Pacific (4 pm Mountain). Cartman runs through the polling station, and then back Cartman: MOOOMMM! MOOOMMM! Scene Description: Wednesday, the day after, Kyle's house. In the living room, Kyle and Ike sit on the sofa, with Ike crying. Scene Description: News Anchor: The people have spoken, and the President of the United States is once again, Barack Obama. President Obama: I assure you all, I am heading back to the White House more motivated - more titillated - than ever. [Ike begins to bawl.] Kyle: Don't be sad, Ike. Just be happy that you live in a country where people get to elect a president at all. [the phone rings and he answers it.] Hello? Cartman: [from the Cartman kitchen] Hey Kyle. What's up? Kyle: Nothing, watching the election results. Cartman: Yeah, I figured. It's the day after the election, so you're probably sitting on the couch telling your little brother how great it is to live in a democratic society. [Kyle glances at Ike.] Listen, Kyle, could you come over for a second? I got somethin' I need to show you. Kyle: What?! Cartman: Please, Kyle. It's kind of important. Scene Description: Cartman's house, moments later. Cartman leads Kyle upstairs to his room Kyle: Alright, what is this all about, fatass?! Cartman: You happy with the election results last night, Kyle? Kyle: It doesn't matter if I am or not. People voted and I stand behind the president. Cartman: Oh, that's such a democratic thing to say, Kyle. What if I were to tell you that I have something in my room that could change the entire election? [beams] Kyle: Sure you do! Cartman: What if I did, Kyle? Kyle: Chr, what could you possibly have in your room that could change the outcome of the election? [Cartman smiles and opens his bedroom door, then shows him in. Inside are stacks and stacks of ballots Cartman has stolen from various states: Nevada, Florida, Idaho, Colorado, Virginia, Wisconsin, and North Carolina. Kyle's jaw drops] Cartman: Pretty sweet, huh? Kyle: What the hell is this? Cartman: What's it look like? Hundreds of thousands of votes from all the swing states. Kyle: I don't believe it. Cartman: No, really. There are states full of swingers. Bunch of perverts if you ask me. Kyle: Why do you have these? Cartman: [walks up to a stack] Funny how voting works in this country, isn't it, Kyle. [holds up a ballot] Each one of these, a person. Someone who actually took the time to get themselves informed. Actually got up and drove to a voting area to make sure their voice was heard. [tears the ballot in two, lets the pieces fall, and fakes a shocked face] Kyle: Dude! Cartman: [Walks over to another stack] Here's another patriotic American. He probably spent hours listening to all those presidential ads and tuned in to every debate. [tears up that ballot] Kyle: Knock it off, Cartman! Cartman: Now, believe it or not, Kyle, I actually need your help. But first you have to promise not to tell anyone. Kyle: You're not getting away with this, you fat turd! [turns around and walks out. Cartman waits a few seconds and walks to his window. He sees Kyle walk to the sidewalk, then turn right and go down the street.] Cartman: Run now, little firefly. It's all part of the plan. Liane: [steps in] Sweetie, there's a Mr. Pun Li Tsiao on the phone for you? Cartman: Thanks Mom, [she leaves] I'll take that in the study. Do I have a study? I don't think I have a study. That's fine. Scene Description: The White House, day. A Secret Service agent runs down the hall towards the Oval Office, opens the doors, and goes in Agent: Mr. President? President Obama: Yes? Agent: Line 2 from China for you, sir. It's General Tso. President Obama: [picks up the receiver and presses the Line 2 button] Yes, hello General. General Tso: We assume you are preased with the erection results? President Obama: Very pleased. Thank you for your help. General Tso: And you no doubt will now begin filling your side of the bargain. President Obama: You'll have what you want. I'll meet you in three hours. [hangs up and slumps in his chair a little] Agent: Sir, the election may have gone the way they said, but we can't possibly give the Chinese what you promised. President Obama: [rises and goes to a window] I don't know how they did it, but the Chinese secured my victory. I have to fulfill my obligation. Agent: And what if General Tso suddenly gets the courage to go to the press with all this? President Obama: Don't worry. Everyone knows General Tso's chicken. Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. Kyle is at the front door with two police officers. One of the officers knocks, and Cartman answers the door. Officer 1: Eric Cartman? We have a report you might be involved in voter fraud? Cartman: [strokes his chin] Hmmm, no. Officer 2: You mind if we search your room? Cartman: I'm sorry, but I know my rights. You can't search my room without a warrant. And I'm afraid I can't give you permission. Kyle: This isn't a joke, Cartman! You have to believe me, officer. The outcome of the election depends on it. Officer 1: Let's just see. [the officers go in, and Kyle follows] Cartman: Ey! You can't do that! Ey! Kyle: Upstairs! First door to the left! Scene Description: Upstairs. The officers have reached Cartman's room. Officer 1 opens the door Cartman: I know my rights! Stop right now! [Kyle and the officers go in... and find nothing] Kyle: But... they were here. Ah I swear it. Stacks and stacks of ballots from states all over the country! Cartman: I was always told that... we lived in a country based on freedom. That the one thing that made America different was that government could never barge into our lives unwarranted. But it's all changing, isn't it? Ever since Obama was first elected, it's all changing. Officer 2: Oh my God, what have we done? Officer 1: Guess this country is changing. We're sorry little boy, we're SO sorry. [The officers walk out] Kyle: Please you've, you've got to believe me! They've still gotta be here somewhere! Uh we've got to find them! Cartman: But where could they be? Where? And why would I care so much about the election results? So may questions, Kyle. So... little time. [Kyle turns right and runs down the stairs] Scene Description: The neighborhood park, day. Seven kids are shown playing basketball: Timmy and Jimmy are there, as are Stan, Token, Craig, Butters, and Kenny. Stan has the ball and tosses it to Craig, who makes a basket. Butters catches the ball. In the background, Kyle runs up to the entrance Kyle: Guys! You guys! [runs into the group] Listen: Cartman has tens of thousands of voter ballots hidden somewhere. He's changed the outcome of the election! Stan: Wow, really? That's pretty impressive. Kyle: Come on guys! He's hidden them somewhere and we have to find them! Stan: But I thought Obama won pretty easily last night. Kyle: Dude, because of the electoral college these votes in swing states can really matter. Stan: I don't understand that stuff at all. I need Morgan Freeman to explain it to me. Jimmy: Yeah, I love when Morgan Freeman explains stuff. Craig: Whenever I'm confused about what's going on in a movie, I'm always so relieved when Morgan Freeman shows up and explains the plot to me. Kyle: God damn it this is serious, you guys! Cartman has stolen the election! Butters: Well, mmmaybe Cartman had a good reason. Kyle: [stares at Butters for a while] Butters, you know something, don't you?! Butters: Huh? Wha? NO. Uhuh, why? Kyle: [walks towards Butters] What did Cartman tell you?! Butters: He didn't tell me nothin'. Annd I'm sworn to secrecy. Ih-it's really important, Kyle, and it isn't what you think. [glances over his shoulder and gasps] Uh, don't make me say any more! Kyle: Tell us what you know right now! Butters: I can't! Don't you see?! [feels around his body for something, and finally finds it: a small bottle. He opens it up and pulls out a blue M&M.] Don't make me swallow this! Wa-I'll do it Stan: Is that an M&M? Butters: [his voice trembles] It's an almond M&M. Ah-I'm very allergic to almonds. Heey, just leave me alone. Kyle: Then you have to tell us! Butters: Well... hah... HWAAAH! [quickly swallows the pill and makes sure he doesn't throw up] Kyle: Oh shit! Don't let him swallow it! [Butters falls back, stiff] Stan: Pry his mouth open! Craig: He ate it! Kyle: Butters, where are the ballots going?! Where are they going?! Butters: Ah! Bah! I hate almonds. [passes out] Scene Description: Red Lobster, later. Cartman is at a table eating lobster legs. He's working on one plate while three others and a bucket of lobster legs await his appetite Waitress: More melted butter, sir? Cartman: Mm, mhm, mhm. General Tso: [lets out an exasperated sigh] Little boy, the President is on his way to pick up the ballots. Where are they?! Cartman: They're nearby. Very safe and sound. I just might want to... alter our deal a little bit. General Tso: Alter our... The President will be here in moments with what we want! Cartman: Yes. Tell me again exactly what you plan on doing with it? A Diner: Oh my God, it's the President! [the President comes in with his Secret Service detail and diners come up to greet him] President Obama: Thank you, thank you all for your votes of confidence. If I could... just be a little rude and ask for a nice quiet meal in private? Diner 1: Oh, of course. Come on, let's let the President have some peace and quiet. [the diners begin to leave the restaurant] Diner 2: Wow, the President eats at Red Lobster. He's just a normal guy like me. Diner 3: Come on guys. President says "get out." [chuckles] Diner 4: I didn't actually vote for him. [chuckles. Two agents guard the doors until the diners are gone, then close the doors, while two other agents join President Obama at the table] President Obama: All right. Where are the ballots? [Cartman cracks open a lobster leg.] Scene Description: The ER, somewhere, day. The boys are there to visit Butters and the doctor is with them. Doctor: Your friend has had a severe allergic reaction. Kyle: Can we please just try and talk to him? Doctor: All right, but don't take too long. [the boys go in] Butters: [hard to understand with his face puffed up] What's up fellas? Kyle: Butters, you have to tell us what Cartman is up to! Butters: Bleh, ogayedmi. Kyle: I didn't wanna have to do this. [opens his flip phone and presses some keys] but if you don't tell us, I'm gonna tell your dad you helped get the wrong person elected President! Butters: AGH! No! Please! You can't! Kyle: Then just tell me what Cartman is up to! Butters: Okay! Okay! He's helping the Chinese get something they want. Stan: What'd he say? [Kenny mumbles his reply and Stan understands that] Oh. Well what do you mean the election isn't the biggest thing that happened this week? [Butters mumbles a reply] Kyle: What? [Kenny mumbles his translation] You mean the missile defense program?! [to Butters] Butters, where's Cartman supposed to hand over the ballots?! Butters: At Red Robster. [Kyle looks at Kenny] Kenny: (At Red Lobster.) Kyle: [still not getting it] Where? Butters: [enunciating as best he can] Red Lobster! Stan: Huh? Jimmy: He said "at Ruh ruh rruh ruh Reh Red" Butters: [enunciating as best he can] Red Lobster! Kenny: (Red Lobster!) Kyle: What? Jimmy: Ruh Rehh... Red Butters: [stressing] Red Lobster! Kenny: (Red Lobster!) Stan: Oh, Red Lobster. Scene Description: Red Lobster, later. The high-level meeting continues President Obama: General Tso, do you have the missing ballots or not? General Tso: Sssure, we have the ballots, but we don't have them right here with us now. [Obama looks at the general, then glances at Cartman] President Obama: Okay, you want me to come in again, we can start over, what the fuck is this?! Kyle: All right, where are the missing ballots?! [noticing the President] President Obama? Cartman: Oh God damn it Kyle, I was just about to get what I wanted. General Tso: Mr. President, we got you reelected! Now you will give us the Star Wars technology so that we can make the sequels! President Obama: I told you China would get the rights to Star Wars from Disney as long as my Presidency was secure! [looks at Cartman] Until I have those ballots [looks at the general] it is not secure! Kyle: Wait a minute, the rights to Star Wars, the movies? What the hell is going on here?! Morgan Freeman: [voice only] What's going on is the sale of America's greatest asset. [music plays as he walks into view] You see, when the United States created Star Wars it made this country incredibly powerful. General Tso: Morgan Freeman? Morgan Freeman: [pacing back and forth] Earlier this week, Lucas signed the rights to Star Wars over to Disney, and the Chinese saw a way to obtain it for themselves. The Chinese government knew that President Obama would help them take the rights from Disney if they helped him get reelected. Craig: Ohhhh. Morgan Freeman: But the child who actually stole the ballots has hidden them, and won't give them to anyone until his demands are met. You've all got quite a mess on your hands. I wish you well with it. [turns around and goes back the way he came in] Stan: Hey just one thing, Morgan Freeman: [Freeman turns around and faces the group] How come every time something convoluted needs explaining, you show up? Morgan Freeman: Because every time I show up and explain something, I earn a freckle. [a sparkle lights up on his right cheek as a small bell sounds, fades, and leaves a new freckle there. He turns around and resumes his departure] Cartman: So here's the deal, General Tso, Mr. President, when the Chinese make the sequels, I get to play the part of Luke Skywalker's son. Cartman Skywalker. General Tso: That was not the deal! We will not be a-bullied by you! Cartman: Well then, I guess we're about to play a game of Chicken, General Tso. [takes out a small ball-shaped bomb, smashes it against the table, and disappears in the resulting smoke.] Jimmy: Heheh, I get it. General Tso's chih-chih-chicken. Scene Description: Two secret service agents walk down a hallway somewhere Mike: You are absolutely sure about this? Agent 2: It's been confirmed, Mike. My God, we might have won this thing. [they reach the end of the hall] Mike: [knocks three times, then opens the double doors and goes in] Sir? Sir, we have some... incredible news. There are rumors of hundreds of thousands of stolen ballots. You might have won the election after all. [Duck President is shown. He lets out a loud quack with shit spewing out his mouth] Scene Description: Cartman's house, evening. Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Token are in Cartman's living room rummaging through boxes of clothes looking for the ballots. Craig rips open the sofa cushions to look for them Stan: There's nothing here, Kyle. [Jimmy walks in from the dining room] Kyle: Anything in the basement, Jimmy? Jimmy: Just old junk, and boxes of Eric's mom's d-dildos Kyle: Well keep looking. Liane: [walks in with some items] Oh my goodness, what's going on? Kyle: Sorry Ms. Cartman, but your son took some things that didn't belong to him. Liane: Oh, I've told him to respect people's property. What did he take? Stan: He stole ballots in all the swing states so the wrong person was elected President. Liane: [walks towards the kitchen] Oh well, no TV for him for a few days. Jimmy: There's nothing here, Kyle. Not even one s-s-scooby clue. Stan: Oh my God you guys, look! [points across the street. The boys walk out as the sound of a large vehicle is heard] Dude, it's Boba Fett's ship! [Indeed. The ship arrives and positions itself for landing, then descends onto the road. After a big thud, the ship's door opens... and out swaggers Mickey Mouse] Mickey Mouse: Just what the Dickens is going on here, haha?! Stan: Aw shit, it's him again. Mickey Mouse: What's this about a deal with the Chinese?! I own all this shit now! I own the Death Star! I own Tatooine! It's all MINE, haha! All right fuckers, where are the missing ballots? Haha. Scene Description: The hospital, night. Butters is still in recovery, and his face is still puffy. He's asleep Cartman: Butters. [Butters jumps up and is wide awake] You just couldn't keep your mouth shut, could you Butters? Butters: I didn't say anything. I promise. Cartman: I guess we learned that when it comes to Star Wars, we can't trust anyone. Not the President, not the Chinese, and not you. Butters: Please, Eric! I tried to be quiet, I swear! Cartman: Shhh, it's okay, Butters. [brings forth an M&M bag and opens it] Nobody's gonna find the election ballots. [pulls out a blue almond M&M.] I have them hidden away somewhere... nobody would ever look. [places the M&M in Butters' mouth and closes it] A place in town people barely even know exists. Scene Description: A Hummer outdoor dealership. The salesman stands around waiting for customers. Behind him is a lot full of pristine Hummers Salesman: Hey guys. Lookin' to buy a Hummer today? [a family leaving the KFC across the street heads for its car in the KFC parking lot] We're havin' a Rocktober sales event day that's goin' into Rockvember. [the family piles into the car, the father starts it, and the family drives away. The salesman watches the family leave, then turns around and walks to a different spot - next to the missing ballots.] Hey there! Interested in test-drivin' a Hummer today? [a lone man walks slowly down the sidewalk on a cross street. Mr. Hummer takes out his hands and starts gesturing] I can see you, with the Ray-Bans, got that nice bicep haning' out the window rolled down, whattaya think? [the man looks at him, then begins to walk faster] Rockvember sales event, guys! Every Hummer comes with a free Segway. Café Monet diner: [at a Café Monet across a third street.] Hey why don't you shut up?! Salesman: I'm just excited about all these deals, that's all. [puts his hands in his pockets] Scene Description: Disneyland, night. The park has closed. AT-STs patrol the grounds as TIE fighters zoom by overhead. Mickey walks through Cinderella's castle towards a door as it opens upward and reveals two storm troopers escorting Cartman, in handcuffs, to him Storm Trooper: We found him sir, but still no sign of the missing ballots. Mickey Mouse: Go on! Leave us alone! Haha. [the storm troopers step outside and the door comes down behind them. Mickey and Cartman walk away from the door] Now listen, little boy, the reason this country works is because people go out to vote. Every vote counts. And you need- Cartman: Cut the crap, Mouse! You only care about the election results because Romney would have been tougher on the Chinese! Mickey Mouse: Why don't you just tell me where the missing ballots are?! It will make your death a lot less painful! Haha. Cartman: Trust me: they're somewhere nobody will ever find them! If you kill me, then Obama will stay President and you will lose Star Wars to the Chinese forever! Mickey Mouse: [whips out his light saber] Pretty neat, huh? How would you like to have one? Cartman: I can get those at K-Mart! If you want me to switch sides, you'll have to do better than that! Mickey Mouse: [turns off his light saber] Like what?! Cartman: I want a part in the new movies! Mickey Mouse: [brightens up] Well then, why didn't you just come to me in the first place? If you wanna be in the next Star Wars, I'm your guy! Haha. Cartman: I get to be Luke Skeywalker's son. And there has to be a character called Jewbacca. Mickey Mouse: You can be Luke's son, you can be Han Solo's son, I don't give two shits and a popsicle. Cartman: Really? Well then, I suppose that making the votes public IS the right thing to do. I can get the ballots for you. But if I'm gonna smuggle them here, I'm gonna need a blaster and a tauntaun. Mickey Mouse: Sure thing. I've got tauntauns comin' out my asshole, haha. Cartman: Haha. Mickey Mouse: Haha. Cartman: Haha. [and a new partnership is formed.] Scene Description: Breaking Election News. Wolf Blitzer: This is Breaking Election News. Hold that phone! The election may be over, but rumors are running rampant that hundreds of thousands of ballots for Mitt Romney were stolen! Kyle: [with a field reporter at City Hall, with the other boys behind them] We need everyone's help here. What you're looking for are big boxes of ballots. Hundreds of them. Please check your basement, your attic, and- Field reporter: And and you claim that a General Tso hired your friend, Fatass, to steal the ballots, but so far the Chinese are refusing to speak with us. Kyle: Yeah, probably 'cause General Tso's chicken. [sirens and bells sound] Field reporter: Is that it? Did he just? Did he just? Wolf Blitzer: Yup. Chris, we're getting confirmation that was the millionth time. Chris: Excitement and revelry at South Park as a little boy has just made the General Tso's chicken joke for the one millionth time. [confetti and balloons float down from the sky] Kyle: What? Field reporter: Little boy, the General Tso's chicken joke, a favorite for years, you've just hit the magic number, how does it feel? Kyle: [quite confused] I... what? [a woman comes in from screen left with a check for five thousand dollars from P.F. Chang while another woman comes in from screen left with a sign saying "ONE MILLION TIMES!!!!!"] Field reporter: He's being presented with the check now, a five thousand dollar gift certificate to P.F. Chang's. [Kyle holds the check up and the reporter gets closer to the camera] This has been a long campaign, but someone's finally done it, Wolf. Scene Description: South Park, later. The boys are sitting on the curb near Tele's, eating Chinese food Stan: Well, we tried, dude. Kyle: It just seems so unfair. People won't ever even know that the wrong man is in the White House. Stan: Well, I mean, look at it this way: Almost half the country did actually vote for Obama. If the election really just came down to a bunch of boxes Cartman stole, then, does it matter that much? Kyle: It matters, Stan. It it matters. A Santa: [voice only] Ho ho ho hoo! [Kyle glances at the TVs and walks over to get a better look] Come on down to Stevenson Hummer for our big Christmas in Humvember Sale! [same dealership as earlier, with Mr. Hummer wearing Santa facial hair and cap, ringing a bell and shaking a rattle stick] Not sure what to get your loved one this holiday season? Why not give them a nice Hummer? Nothing beats a Hummer on Christmas morning! [dances a bit. Stan joins him at Tele's picture window] Stan: Stan, when was the last time you saw somebody drive a Hummer? Stan: Uhhh, forever ago, like, 2010? Kyle: [realizing where the ballots could be] Oh my God. Scene Description: Stevenson's Hummer, day. A diner leaves Café Monet and walks down the street. Mr. Stevenson: [the salesman] Hey, looking for a Hummer today? Got some 2009s here. Never been driven. ...Ever. [a crow lands on a blue Hummer. Mr. Stevenson notices, turns around and moves towards it] Go on, get out of here! Shoo! [the crow leaves as Kyle and friends show up and enter the lot] Kyle: Look! There they are! Mr. Stevenson: Hey, hi there! You kids like Hummers, huh? Let me show you these babies! Kyle: We found it, you guys! [hears some vehicles showing up and looks] Oh no, they followed us! [several black cars pull up and the Chinese pour out of them] Mr. Stevenson: Oh hell yes! Asians! Hey guys! General Tso: Get out of our way! Kyle: No! These don't belong to you! They belong to the people! General Tso: [pulls out a pistol from his pocket and aims it at Kyle] I am tired of playing games! This little farce is ovah! [a shot from a ray gun obliterates the pistol] Cartman: [on a tauntaun] I don't think so, General Tso! This way, officers! [police cars show up] Mr. Stevenson: Oh my God it's a sales rush! [the police pour out of their cars] Officer 2: Oh my God. Are those what I think they are? Cartman: Yes, we must show these to the public! For democracy's sake, right Kyle? Officer 3: Sir, we've found something, at the Hummer sales lot outside of town. General Tso: You don't understand. We are trying to protect the greatest film series ever made! Kyle: Protect it? Officer 4: What the hell is going on here?! Morgan Freeman: [voice only. The officers all face him] Perhaps I can explain it to you. [appears between the Hummers and walks up to the group] You see, it turns out the only reason the Chinese so desperately wanted Star Wars is because they're afraid that Disney might not be the right place for it. The Chinese simply want to guard Star Wars impeccable legacy. Officer 5: Is that Morgan Freeman? Morgan Freeman: And now we're at a crossroads. If these ballots are made public, then the man the people voted for will be President, but he will no doubt keep Star Wars from the Chinese, and allow Disney to keep it instead. And so we have to ask ourselves, "What's more important? That the right man is elected President, or that Star Wars is with people who will protect it most?" [six new freckles appear on his face, and he caresses his right cheek] An Officer: [through a walkie-talkie] Unit 4, what is it?! Over. Officer 1: Well kid? Kyle: Well... if you put it that way... An officer: Come in Unit 4! What have you found?! Officer 1: Nothing sir. We just found some tremendous deals on cars nobody wants, that's all. Barkley out. [Stan walks up to the ballots with a match, strikes the match against the asphalt and lights it, and sets fire to the ballots] Cartman: No! But Obama wasn't really elected! Don't you people care?! [the Chinese, the police officers, and the boys all hold hands around the bonfire and begin to chant] Group: Obama is President again. [as the smoke gathers in the sky, a real-life image of President Obama appears and sways slowly back and forth.]

Scene Description: The bus stop, day. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are waiting for the bus Kyle: I am sooo sick of that stupid bitch! Blabbin' pussy little skank! Why do people talk on their phone like that?! I can't even get a minute of piece before that bitch walks in, holding the cell phone out like this [holds his hand out], and talking on speaker phone! Nobody wants to hear your goddamned conversations, you little bitch! You're not that important! Cartman: [walks up to them, talking to someone on the phone via speaker] Yeah, I know dude. I'm telling you, it was the worst pain in my entire life. Lawrence: How many hours were you guys playing? Cartman: Like six hours, dude. And my friends were all like "Dude, Cartman, we need you to keep playing defense!" Kyle: AAAARGH! Lawrence: You were playing football? Cartman: Yeah, but I was like "I can't you guys. I twisted my ankle." In the end though, they really needed me to play, so I just played through the pain, you know what I'm sayin'? Kyle: That is not what happened! You totally started crying and quit the game! Cartman: [softly, covering the phone] Kyle, this is a private conversation. Kyle: Then take that shit off speaker phone!! Lawrence: Is that that same kid? Cartman: Yeah, it's that kid Kyle again. He's a total boner, always listening in on my calls. Kyle: How do we have a choice?! Cartman: Stop listening to my conversation, Kyle! What are you, the NSA?! Lawrence, remember how I was tellin' you the NSA listens to everyone's phone calls and reads all our e-mails? Lawrence: Yeah yeah, you said that. Toby: My dad says the government keeps a database on everyone. Cartman: Who is that? Is that Toby? Toby: Yeah. Cartman: Dude, Toby, are you over at Lawrence's? Toby: Yeah, we're ditching school. Cartman: You're what? What, you say? Lawrence: Me and Toby are ditching school! Scene Description: Cafeteria, lunchtime. The boys are at table, and Kyle looks worn out. Cartman: I'm telling you guys, the government thinks they can do whatever they want, and we don't have any privacy anymore! [he's not talking to his friends at the table, but to his friends on the conference call] Just between you and me, I think everyone is too stupid to see what this is all leading to. Did you guys read "1984"? Lawrence: I don't think so. Cartman: See, I didn't read it either, but I saw the puppet show version up at Casa Bonita. We have to do something about this! We need to organize a rally! [Kyle takes the top bun off his burger] Lawrence: That'd be cool. Cartman: That'd be what? Lawrence: That'd be COOL. Cartman: I know, right? [Kyle puts the bun back on the burger, then takes his tray with him and walks away] A big rally to tell the government to stay out of our private lives! I'm gonna e-mail everybody and put it up on my blog pages! [having lost his appetite, Kyle throws his food away, puts his tray on the nearby cart, and walks off. Cartman approaches the trash can] I seriously feel like I'm being spied on right now. [carelessly throws his trash away, with fries spilling onto the floor, puts his tray carelessly on the card, then walks off behind Kyle] I'm sure the government has a file on me a mile long; that's why this is so important, you know? [Kyle stops, his anger rising] Hang on, I'm gonna make a video blog for my "Stop Listening To Me" Web site. [turns on the video feature on his phone and starts recording] What's up everybody? It's me again, just kicking it at my skeal. There's gonna be a big rally to tell the government to stop gathering information on us! Gonna tweet you all the details, but keep quiet, 'cause it's top secret! [ends the video and goes back to his phone friends. Kyle leaves] You guys gonna update your blogs too? Scene Description: Outside on the playground. Cartman is still on the phone with Lawrence while Kyle and Kenny try to play tetherball. Cartman is just too damned loud. Cartman: Dude, I really can't hear you Lawrence. Are you outside or something? Lawrence: I said I got your tweet and the address! Cartman: Okay, well put Toby back on the phone! You guys start Googling everyone the directions to the rally site. Toby, are you there, bro? Toby: Yeah, I'm here, bro. Cartman: Bro, you gotta um, e-mail Jack about the rally and see if he'll bring petition forms. [Kyle just walks up to Cartman and stands next to him] Kyle: [calmly] Will you please take your rally conversation somewhere else? Cartman: Oh heeell NO you didn't just invade my privacy again?! That is the LAST STRAW, Kyle! [runs off, then stops and addresses everyone on the playground] Everybody! Everybody hey! Just so you know, we might have an NSA agent right here at our school Butters: Ww-ww-what's the N S A? Cartman: That just so you know, the government is watching everything you do! Always watching! They say it's to keep us safe! But what price is safety, Kyle? [walks away. The other kids disperse and go back to what they were doing. Only Butters and Kyle remain.] Butters: The government watches everything we do? Scene Description: Butters' bedroom, night. As a moonbeam bathes his bedroom, Butters is still wondering about the government watching him. Butters: Hello?? Hey Government... It's me... Butters. Ah I just wanna say, well, well, thanks for watching over me and, and doin' everything you do. ...An and please watch over Mommy, and Daddy, ah an and my friends Stan and Kyle, Craig and Token, and and even ol' Eric Cartman. Uh I know he can be a meanie sometimes, but please watch over him too. Goodnight, Government. [smiles, then walks to his bed and goes under the covers, then gasps] Oh yeah. [gets out of bed and goes to his mark] Ah, and thank you, President Obama, for, for making me feel so safe and looked after. And if it wouldn't be... too much trouble... [a little softly] I'd really like to get a puppy for Christmas this year. [normal] 'Night, Government. [goes back to bed] Scene Description: The school's computer lad, next day. The kids are typing away on their keyboards and Cartman is on the phone again... Cartman: Dude, they have gone too far this time! There is no doubt the government is tracking me! We're gonna have to put off the rally. Lawrence: They're spying on you? Cartman: Yes, right here. I went to Amazon to see if they had Grand Theft Auto V, and it says, "you might also be interested in the Blu-ray for Star Trek." I'm totally interested in the Blu-ray for Star Trek! How did they know that unless the government is keepin' tabs on mw?! [pounds the keyboard with his right fist. The other kids begin to star at him] This is war, bro! Forget the rally, we have to go hard core! Lawrence: Like what? Cartman: Alright, listen. I'm gonna get a job at the NSA, and then I'm gonna put all their secrets up on Twitter. Lawrence: Naw, don't do that. Cartman: No! Dude, I'm gonna sneak into their headquarters disguised as an employee, and I'm gonna- [gets suspicious] Hey, hang on a second, Lawrence. [hides behind his monitor for a moment, then slowly stands up on his chair] I think we have a Nosey Nancy in the room. [sits down] Dude, my Twitter account might already be compromised. If I'm gonna infiltrate the NSA and get all their secrets out to the public, then I'm gonna need something better than Twitter. Lawrence: You need that new thing where you don't need to type. Cartman: What, they already have something better than Twitter? Lawrence: You haven't seen the Alec Baldwin commercial? Cartman: No! What Alec Baldwin commercial? Scene Description: This one. Alec Baldwin is on the set of his latest movie, in his director's chair Alec Baldwin: Hello. I'm Alec Baldwin, and I love social media. [whips out his phone] But sometimes, I accidentally tweet things that are homophobic. I don't think that way, I just type that way. That's when I realized it wasn't me that was homophobic, it was my thumbs, and they needed to be gotten rid of. [a shot of him chopping his right thumb off with a meat cleaver, then doing the same with his left thumb. He groans in pain each time.] So then the problem was, I don't have thumbs. But I know that everyone in America still wants to hear everything I have to say.[Now in a park by a lake. He's on a bench, with a camera behind him. He turns to look at it] Well, that's okay, because now there's a device that can actually take the thoughts in your head and send them directly to the Internet. It's called... Shitter. [points to a pair of antennae attached to the crown of his head. Next follows a stick-figure representation of the process]Wires are grafted harmlessly into your skull and any thought you have is uploaded to the Internet, and on to all your Shitter followers. [more stick figures appear, each with their own Shitter antennae. Then he's shown at a baseball park: "I'm at a Yankess game right now." The men on either side look at him. "God I love baseball." Next he's on a plane next to an elderly woman with her cat in a pet carrier. "People who take their cats on planes should be shot." He looks away, and the elderly woman looks at him. Next he's at a theatre. "I'm at a really great musical right now." The woman to his left notices the antennae. Next he's at an outdoor restaurant looking at a menu. "In 1992 I had sex with the Queen of Monaco. I had my entire fist up her ass." Back on set] Don't let your social media slow down our need to communicate with the world. Go direct from thought to Internet ...with Shitter. ["Just finished my Shitter commercial. Time to go find a pussy sandwich."] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Kids are milling around the hallways. Kyle is shown walking down one hall when Cartman's voice is heard Cartman: ["Alright, what's up everybody, what's up? I'm about ready to go to the NSA undercover, and see if I can expose some of those secrets." When Cartman appears, Kyle stops. "You can follow me on my Shitter account at #keepyourgovernmentoutofmybusinessdotcom. Wait, sh, I've gotta be careful. Kyle is here and I'm pretty sure he's tryin' to listen in."] Kyle: [notices the Shitter device and gets angry.] What the hell are you doing?! Cartman: [walks up to Kyle. "Kyle, if you wouldn't mind, this broadcast is for my Shitter followers only." Clyde and Stan join them] Clyde: What's Shitter? Cartman: [leans towards Clyde. "Don't know if you've heard, but the government is actually able to monitor all our e-mails and Twitter accounts." leans towards Clyde. "With Shitter I don't even need a cell phone. My thoughts are sent directly to the Internet, and then to everyone else on Shitter."] Stan: Wow. Cartman: [leans towards Stan. "Yes. Now as I infiltrate the NSA, I'll be able to broadcast everything to all my Shitter followers."] Kyle: You're okay with everything you think going up on the Internet? Cartman: Yeah, because the government won't respect my privacy. Clyde: How many people are on Shitter? Cartman: Just two so far: me and Alec Baldwin. Alec Baldwin: ["I'm about to sit down and eat a sandwich at this amazing deli run by two faggtots in Chelsea."] Cartman: ["Oh cute. I'll have to try it out sometime, lol."] Alec Baldwin: ["In 1982 I was at a party at Mike Douglas' house and I fucked Kim Basinger."] Cartman: ["Wow, that's kewl. She's cute. ;) emoji"] Scene Description: Colorado Department of Motor Vehicles, day. Butters is waiting to be called. A monitor displays "TICKET #395 WINDOWS 15" and a small bell dings. Butters: Oh my God. Oh my God they say me. They saw me and they're gonna be so angry! Maybe they didn't see me. No! No, they saw me, they see everything! I did something really bad. Really really bad. [ding] Clerk: [not shown] Next! Butters: Oh God, uh... but my parents always told me, "If you do somethin' horrible, then you have to admit it to your protector, so that you can have forgiveness." Are these people nice? Man: DMV people? They're the meanest people on planet Earth. Butters: Oh Jeez. [The monitor displays "TICKET #403 WINDOWS 15" and a small bell dings. Butters gets off his seat...] Oh God, huh... Here we go. [...and walks up to a clerk, but has no idea what to do] I yelled at a midget. [a few seconds pass by] I was, I was watching MTV andand this little person was singing a song, eh - I think her name was "Pink" - but I I didn't like the songs and so I yelled! "Hey, get off the TV you effing midget!" [no reaction] And I, I was at Barnes & Noble with my mom, and while she was looking for a book I, I saw this picture of Jennifer Lawrence in a magazine. Um it and I, well, I cut the picture out of the magazine while no one was lookin'. Dirty whore! I took the picture home with me and I, and-I, I cut Jennifer Lawrence's mouth out with scissors and then I... well I put my wiener through the hole. I have no idea why!! How can I atone for it?! I already said the Pledge of Allegiance 50 times! And I sang "My Country Tis Of Thee" 100 times! And I watches "America's Got Talent" twice! What else can I do? Clerk: Why not a thousand "Livin' In America"s? Butters: Yes! Yes I will! Oh, thank youhoohoo! I will! Oh, I feel so much better already! [begins to walk away and launches into the song] Livin' in America! Eye to eye! Hand to hand! Across the nation! Smokestack, fatback, Many miles of railroad track Ow! I said Ow ow! [exits] Scene Description: N.S.A. Headquarters, Maryland, day. Cartman walks in, dressed in a suit and wearing a fake mustache, and approaches the front desk. Receptionist: Can I help you sir? Cartman: Yes, I'm here to apply for the NSA job? Receptionist: All right, and your name? Cartman: Bill Clinton. Receptionist: [checks her calendar on the computer] I don't see you on the list, Mr. Clinton. Cartman: Oh well, must be a clerical mistake, but they are expecting me. Alec Baldwin: ["If you're ever in Los Angeles, be sure to look up Jennifer Love Hewitt. She can make a pussy sandwich that will give those faggots in Chelsea a run for their money"] Chief: What have you got, Patricia? Patricia: Uh, this man says he has an interview for a job, sir? Cartman: I am extremely qualified, sir, and very eager to work. Alec Baldwin: ["I borrowed my brother's dick once to fuck Darryl Hannah."] Cartman: [clears his throat as a distraction] I was um, sure that the appointment was today. Chief: That's quite alright. The NSA needs all the help it can get. Come on upstairs and I'll show you around, see if you're fit for the job. Scene Description: The neighborhood. Two women knock on Butters' door. Butters answers it and sees two Polynesians. One carries a Bible, the other carries some pamphlets Pamphleteer: Hello sir. My colleague and I are going through the neighborhood and seeing if you'd like to know the Truth. [hands him a pamphlet] Butters: Sure, I love the Truth. Pamphleteer: Okay, we from uh Jehovah Witness. We Kingdom Hall Jehovah Witness, and uh, we believe, sir, that uh many people interpret the Bible it wrong. Butters: Wull what's a Jehovah's Witness. Pamphleteer: We are, sir. We believe the, the Truth. I was once like you. I knew not what to believe, then I let my pulvy the Jehovah into the heart. Butters: Oh my goodness! Your little cartoon has a girl on fire! Pamphleteer: Yes, because uh Jehovah will bring judgement against all who perish like the little girl will burn in fire. Butters: Oh, you shouldn't be handing out drawings like that, ma'am. Uh, don't you know that the government is watching you? Pamphleteer: The government ih watching me? Colleague: Wansa? Pamphleteer: He said the government ih watching us. [they turn slowly to face the street] Colleague: Hi now? Pamphleteer: How long they been watching us? Butters: Can I ask you something? When was the last time you went to your local DMV? Pamphleteer: [turns to face him] I don't go to DMV. I don't have car. Butters: Oh, you can walk there. Trust me, you've gotta go to the DMV. It's incredible! See, I was like you once. Afraid, unsure, and doin' stuff I shouldn't do like showin' people pictures of little girls with their heads on fire. But you know what I've learned? That just goin' to the DMV, and letting go of all my wrongdoings, filled me with a joy I've felt nowhere else! Would you like to read some DMV literature? [goes and gets some booklets he picked up at the DMV. He hand them the booklets and they leaf through them] This'll tell you most of what you need to know about the DMV. But just go. Everyone there is really nice. Your government is watching you and your government wants you to be happy. Have a nice day! [smiles and closes the door, then walks towards the kitchen] Scene Description: N.S.A. Headquarters, Maryland, day. The chief takes Cartman on a tour. Chief: Right this way, Bill. Welcome to the NSA main office. Cartman: Oh yes. Sooo this is where the government checks up on its citizens. Chief: There's a lot of people working here at the NSA. Good people, people who just wanna keep America safe. Only problem is, checking all those e-mails, Twitter accounts, and surveilling all those phone calls can take a lot of manpower. [they stop at a desk] Detective: Hey Joe? Joe: Whatchoo got, Miller. Miller: Got a 24-year-old male in Albuquerque. He just e-mailed his wife and asked if she could go to the store after work. Then he called the fitness center to set up a membership. He liked the fitness center, so he tweeted his friends that they should try it out. Joe: ...Alright, keep an eye on them. Let me know if anything changes. [he and Cartman move on] Miller: Will do. Joe: It's a never-ending grind here at the NSA, and it seems there's never enough detectives to keep track of everyone. [they go further into the office to reveal a large room with over a hundred detectives all at their desks keeping tabs on everyone else.] Sergeant! What have you got, Larson. Larson: Got a seventeen-year-old female down in Jacksonville. She called her friend and asked her if she wanted to see the Percy Jackson movie. Then she e-mailed her mom at work and asked if it was okay. The mom said yes, but called her husband first to make sure there weren't any dinner plans. Joe: Alright, keep an eye on all three of them. Larson: Will do. [Joe and Cartman walk a few steps, then turn around. Behind them is the other half of the large room.] Joe: If you think you got the stomach for this, then we can definitely use your help, young man. Detective: Sir, you might wanna check this out. Joe: What have you got? Detective: Thirty-two-year-old pizza delivery man. He just put it on his Twitter account that he hates America and wants to blow up the Lincoln Memorial. [long pause] Scene Description: The city, day. Joe and Cartman are in an NSA vehicle pursuing this lead. Here's the NSA as police force. Cartman: ["Four sixteen pm. The chief asked me to join him as he went to question the possible suspects. I agreed to go along. Hopefully, the NSA has no idea of my secret intentions." The chief looks at him. "lol." The chief focuses on the road again. Moments later they stop in front of a house and get out of the car. The chief knocks on the door and a hippie answers it.] Hippie: Well well, the NSA. I should've known. Joe: We wanna talk to you about some tweets you've been tweeting. Hippie: Hey man, I was just blowin' smoke. Say, what right does the government have reading my private e-mails anyway?! Haven't you squares heard of the Constitution? Joe: Yeah, we've heard of that. We've also heard of the Declaration of Independence. See, there's a lot of people out there who think like you, people who think their government doesn't have the right to go around poking their noses in the e-mails of its citizens. That is, until a plane flies into a couple of towers and a little girl loses her life. You wanna live in the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave, but the brave can't be free if the land isn't home, and that land won't be home so long as folks out there wanna take that American flag and shove it so far up your anus that you crap stars and stripes for a week, and as you're sittin' there on the toilet with the Star-Spangled Montezuma's Revenge there's one thing I can guarantee you. Hippie: Yeah? What's that? Joe: You won't care who's checkin' your Twitter account then. [holds up a hard copy of the delivery man's tweets.] Hippie: ...I never thought of it that way. Alec Baldwin: ["I fucked Jack Lemmon's makeup girl in a Port-A-Potty. Woops." The chief notices the lights on Cartman's Shitter device but doesn't say anything.] Scene Description: Craig's house, day. He's on the sofa watching Terrance and Phillip on TV. Terrance: Hey Phillip! Pull my finger! [the doorbell rings and he gets up to answer it] Aaaahahahaha. [he opens the door and sees Butters with the two Polynesian women] Butters: Hello, Craig. How would you like to know the Truth? Craig: ...The truth about what? Butters: We're just goin' through the neighborhood an' seein' if you've accepted the government into your heart. Craig: ...Aahhhh, no, I don't think so. Pamphleteer: My colleague and I, we went to saaah experience at DMV. We went to DMV, we admit all our shortcomings an sins and uh make a tital wave of peace and serenity with the truth stored inside our heart. Craig: ...Okay. [next scene, all four of them are on the sofa.] Butters: You see, Craig, once I came clean with the government, I no longer had anything to hide. Then I found peace. Have you read any DMV literature? Craig: Aaaaaaaaaaaahh, no. Butters: Well, there's a lot of interesting stuff in here, Craig. There's even some quotes from President Obama. [hands him a booklet] Could you read this part out lout? Craig: [slowly reading] Your local DMV is funded by your tax dollars to be efficient and proficient. Butters: Yeah. Whattaya think President Obama means when he says that? Craig: I have no idea. Butters: Well, we believe that he means the government loves you, and it wants to forgive you if you just let the government into your heart. Pamphleteer: Yes sir. [the boys look at her] See, i used to be like you. I go around sending them nasty e-mails and a nasty texts, puttin' nasty picture on my nasty Facebook. But then I realized, all these things, they live forever, because the government keep a file on us. So all that live forever up in what they call the Clou'. It's a government term. If they could put a file in the Clou', then I wanna make sure I come clean about the bad ones and maybe get those things off my record off the Clou'. Because we all live forever in the Clou'. Butters: Uh huh. [looks at Craig] Did you follow all that, Craig? [his eyes dart around] Uh, I don't think I really followed all that. Scene Description: N.S.A. Headquarters, Maryland, day. Back at the main office, Cartman now has his own desk as an NSA detective. Cartman: ["I've done it. I've infiltrated the NSA, and gained their trust." A shot of Alec Baldwin and his date at a buffet restaurant. The camera pans across until it reaches the couple. "So far, I've not ascertained how they were able to keep track of everyone in the country, but I'm close. Very close. I just hope that I'm not found out as a whistleblower before I'm able to expose their entire operation."] Date: What is that voice? Alec Baldwin: Some little faggot in my head. Cartman: Hey, so um, as I'm going through people's e-mails and phone calls, um, how do I know which people to start with? Detective 3: Pretty simple. Everyone has a file. People who have a status of "threat", "possible threat", or "person of interest" are the ones we really wanna look at. Detective 4: The more we pay attention to them, the bigger their file becomes. Cartman: Really? How big is my file? Detective 4: Huh? Cartman: Uhh, that us, uhh, yo-you must have a pretty big file on Eric Cartman. All his blogs and e-mails have been watched for quite some time. Detective 3: Jarvis, what have we got on an "Eric Cartman"? Any files on Eric Cartman. Jarvis: Ohhh yeah, we tracked him for a little bit, but Central Computer designated his status as "fat and unimportant." Cartman: Uhh trust me, he's not fat and unimportant. I think we need to change his status to "ripped and sweet." [no one listens. He stands up on his desk] 'Scuse me. Excuse me! There's a very important threat to national security! We need to change Eric Cartman's status! Scene Description: Colorado Department of Motor Vehicles, day. Officer Barbrady stands at the counter holding his hat in his right hand... Barbrady: And that's when I masturbated to Game of Thrones. I know it was wrong to masturbate, and I know it was especially wrong to masturbate while on duty. Clerk 2: What the? [looks over his left shoulder] Why do these people keep coming here? Barbrady: But I am done forever with Game of Thrones. Forever Clerk 2: Next, please! [ding] Barbrady: Thank you. [puts on his hat and walks away. Nearby is a little group Butters has been forming, and Barbrady stops by] Group: [clapping] Yaaaaaay. Butters: Congratulations, Brother! How do you feel? Barbrady: I, I feel really good. Group: [clapping] Heehhhhhhhah. [in the waiting area, a woman peeks over a man's shoulder to see what's going on] Customer: Wow, those people over there seem like they're havin' fun. [Barbrady hugs the colleague and shakes the pamphleteer's hand] Butters: [takes a few steps away from the group] I can't think of anywhere I'd rather be than at the DMV with all you wonderful people. Now let's all pledge Allegiance. [the group turns to face the flag] I pledge allegiance. Group: To the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. [while the group recites the Pledge, the following takes place] Larry: [walks in and crosses the room towards the group] What the hell is going on here?! This is the DMV! There will be no joy here! Clerk 3: Uh people keep showing up and telling us what they did wrong. Customer 2: Hey, I'm just trying to renew my license. How much longer do I gotta wait? [the group finishes the Pledge] Larry: [faces the customer and points at him] Shut up! Sit there and wait, and no cell phones or other things that pass time joyously! I'll put a stop to this! [walks to the group] Scene Description: N.S.A. Headquarters, Maryland, day. Cartman pleads his case. Cartman: Look, I am telling you that you are making a huuuge mistake! Eric Cartman is the NSA's worst nightmare! Chief Joe: Not according to the Central Computer. Cartman: The Central Computer is wrong! You need to change his status! Chief Joe: Sorry, [stands and moves away from his desk] but if Central Computer says he is not a threat, then we can't do anything. [moves through the office] Cartman: [runsn to catch up with the chief] Can't do anything?? You're the NSA! Chief Joe: There's 300 million people out there. How do you think we're able to keep track of every single person in the country? How do you think we're able to really know who's doing what?[they reach a pair of thick steel doors] Cartman: I don't know. Chief Joe: Alright, I'll show you. But this is very top security stuff, because if people knew how we did it, then everyone would do it. Then our enemies would do it. We can't let our enemies get their hands on this. Cartman: Get their hands on what? [the chief presses some keys on the keypad next to the doors, and the doors open] Dude... [Santa is shown suspended in midair by a harness. Cables go from Santa to the surrounding wall of computers, and a massive one is attached to his privates. Several techs stand on a platform circling the room, looking at some of the many computers present] Chief Joe: This is how we know who's a threat and who's not. How we know who's sleeping and who's awake. [Cartman runs away from the entrance, whips out a whistle and starts blowing it] How we know that... Cartman: You think I'm fat and unimportant now?! [rips off his fake mustache] I AM Eric Cartman! And I've got news for you! This is all being broadcast LIVE on my Twitter Zeppelin, and on Alec Baldwin's new television show, via Shitter! Scene Description: Alec Baldwin's new show Alec Baldwin: Hi everybody, and welcome to my new show on MSNBC, "Free Pass with Alec Baldwin" Cartman: ["Your secret is out, NSA! And now that everyone knows what you're doing to Santa you can kiss your program goodbye!"] Scene Description: At NSA Headquarters. Cartman: You should have taken me out when you had the chance. Now everyone knows the truth! And everyone's gonna think I'm superkewl! Scene Description: Cartman's house, evening. Cartman is weeping in his room at his computer when Liane walks in Liane: Eric, honey, what's the matter? Cartman: [through his tears] It didn't work, Mom! I infiltrated the NSA, and I was a whistleblower and I thought everyone would be super-pissed off at what exposed about the government, but nobody cared! Nobody cares if the government is listening in on everything! Nobody cares if Santa Claus is hooked up to a big horrible machiiiine! Liane: I know that the NSA is torturing Santa, sweetie. But they're keeping us safe. Cartman: Well now you just sound like everybody eeeelse?! [cries hard now] Liane: Honey, it's okay. Cartman: It's not gonna be okay because now I'm a whistleblower, and against my conscience I'm gonna have to hide out in Russiaaaa! [weeps some more] Liane: No, you don't have to fly to Russia, hon. Cartman: I do toooo! Liane: No, it will be fine. How about I make you some hot tea with lemon and codeine? Cartman: Okaaay. [she walks out and Cartman calms down] I just want hot tea and codeine, no lemon. Liane: Okay, hon. Scene Description: Moments later the front door bell rings and Cartman goes to answer it in his bath robe, with cup of tea in hand. He opens the door and Butters is at the landing alone. Butters: Hello. How would you like to know the Truth? Cartman: ...The fuck are you talking about, Butters? Butters: It's time to let go, Eric. Don't you see there's no other way? Just let the government into your heart. Cartman: [walks away, then stops] It's too late for me, Butters. I have to go to Russia and live with the Commie dwarfs. Butters: [steps in and approaches Cartman] It's never too late. There's a place where you can start over. [gives him a DMV booklet] Cartman: What's this? Butters: Your government doesn't listen in on you to punish you, your government just wants you to be honest about your mistakes. Cartman: I can be forgiven? Butters: Yes. Cartman: For everything bad I've ever done? Butters: Yes! Cartman: And then all I have to do is go back to this place every time I do something wrong and admit it and I'm forgiven again? Butters: That's right. Cartman: [wipes his forhead and sniffs] Thta's pretty kewl. Scene Description: The DMV, day. Butters' group is back, and bigger than last time. Carl Weathers is a new member, Craig is a new member, and now someone else is joining. There's an organ playing, giving this a Revival feel. Everyone in the group is moving and clapping. Butters: We've got a new member today! Eric Cartman, do you love your country?! Cartman: I do, I love my country! Butters: Do you pledge allegiance to the Flag?! Cartman: I pledge it! I pledge the fucking allegiance! Butters: Hallelujah! Group: Yaaaaay! Paul: Do you want us to kick them out of here, Lar? Larry: No... No, leave them alone. It's a nice change to see people happy here at the DMV. [Organ music fades out] Perhaps we here at the DMV can start changing as well. Perhaps instead of treating people badly we can offer them comfort and hope. Why, the DMV can be a place where people come to get things off their chests. Confess, yes, but also be told that they're worth something in this world! And then, DMVs everywhere can become a place where people feel safe. And when they do something wrong we can offer forgiveness! Don't you see what this could lead to? Don't you see what we could become?? Scene Description: WMZ News 4 Breaking News News anchor: The DMV was shut down today after rampant allegations of sex with young boys. [in the picture over his shoulder are a bunch of DMV workers in handcuffs being led away by police. Four boys stand together nearby, naked and crying, with their hands over their privates.] The heads of the DMV were arrested and the director stated, quote: Hey, it came with the territory. With the DMV shut down, Americans have been asked to confess all wrongdoings at their nearest post office. [an arm appears and gives the anchorman a sheet of paper, then retracts] We've just received word that the US Postal service has been shut down due to rampant allegations of sex with young boys. It now appears that the only people who can be trusted with confessions and guidance is your local news station. WMZ News will be back in... a young boy.

Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, Mr. Garrison's classroom. Wendy is presenting her oral report. Wendy: [reading from her yellow index cards] Unless we come together as a country and realize that refugees from Syria should be considered in need- Cartman: Boooo! [Wendy looks up and gets angry] Boo, Wendy! Boo, Wendy Testaburger, Boo! Wendy: [returns to her report] Refugees from Syria should be considered in need of international protection. Cartman: Boo, Wendy, Boooooo! Boo Wendy. Wendy: [returns to her report, with her voice clearly getting more annoyed and explicit] The vast majority of refugees from Syria are likely to meet refugee status criteria and issued benefits from- Cartman: Boooo, Wendy Testaburger, Boooooo! [Wendy lowers her report down to her sidee-] Boo Wendy! Liar! Wendy: Instead of booing my opinion, why don't you make a constructive argument?! Cartman: I'm not booing your opinion, I'm booing your report topic. No one even knows what a refewgee is. Boo, booben, boo. Wendy: Mr. Garrison, can you do something about this, please? [no reaction - he's rather engrossed in the book he's reading] Mr. Garrison?! Mr. Garrison: [startled] Huh? Oh, oh, Wendy, uhhh, very nicely done. Thank you. Okay, next report, [Wendy looks betrayed] let's have uh, Peter Mullen. Wendy: [extremely annoyed, goes to her seat] Ugh, Jesus! [Peter walks up and takes her place] Peter: My report is on the vile and despicable trash that our parents are watching on television. Fellow students: there is a plague of smut on our cable boxes! [whips out a remote control box and presses a button. A projector screen comes down behind him] Shows that feature reenactments of unsolved crimes and spousal homicide! [the screen stops] I'm talking of course about [presses another button and the first image comes up. It's an Investigation Discovery screenshot] murder porn! Butters: Murder porn? Cartman: That's more like it. Peter: According to the Nielsen ratings, viewership in shows like "Cold Case Files," "Dateline: Murder," and "Deadly Affairs" is skyrocketing amongst married couples. The increased viewership has brought about a whole new slew of shows that use graphic sex, and innuendo, to make spousal murder more titillating. Shows like "Southern Fried Homicide," "Sinful Secrets," "On The Case with Paula Zahn." And it's all smut and it's garbage and it's [throws down his index cards] trash! [a few seconds later he clears his throat and gathers up his index cards] Your parents are watching this stuff! Go home and ask them! And as we ask them we must also ask ourselves, "If they're obsessed with this stuff, then how long? How long before one of our daddies dresses up in lingerie and bashes Mommy's head in with a brick?" [the class is speechless with mouths open. Only Cartman claps] Scene Description: Stan's house, day. Stan comes home from school and walks up the stairs to his room when he hears noises coming out of his parents' room. Sharon is surely enjoying it. Stan, still wearing his backpack, walks up to the bedroom door and listens in. He knocks on the door Randy: Oh crap, who could that be-?! Oh it's, it's, probably fuckin' Stan! Ah, hang on a second bud. [some low rumbles are heard] Come on in. [Stan goes in. Randy is in his most relaxed pose in bed] Oh hey Stan, what's up? [Stan looks at the TV screen to his right] Scene Description: TV screen. Narrator: His wife is having sex with the neighbor. [a couple going at it in bed] And when her husband comes home, [the husband opens the bedroom door, the couple notices and stops.] he wants more than just a divorce. [the husband raises his gun and kills the boyfriend, than the wife. Sharon picks up the remote and switches channels] Stan: You guys are watchin' murder porn? Randy: ...Murder porn? Stan, this is just an investigative crime show. Sharon: Uh adults like documentaries. Randy: Yes Stan, these are based on real things. This is like news. It's informative. Parents like informative stuff. Stan: Okaaay. [turns around and walks out. Sharon switches back to the show] Randy: Oh we missed the murder! Did he cut them up?! Scene Description: Later that night, in his room, Stan is sleeping. His phone rings and he picks up. Stan: What's up dude? Cartman: Dude, do you know Aaron Hagen? Stan: Uh, yeah, the first grader? Cartman: You should come down to his house. His dad just killed his mom. Scene Description: '[Back in Stan's room. Stan looks shocked at what Cartman said through the phone.]' Stan: What?! Scene Description: Aaron's house crime scene. Police and ambulance are there, along with a news crew. Aaron is on the front lawn crying, and Stan shows up. The dead mom, who has a large knife jabbed into her head through her right eye, is wheeled out by the paramedics. As they pass by Aaron, he sees his mom's dead body and screams in sheer terror. Sergeant Yates: Hey that kid should not be seeing this! [Aaron is still crying in despair, while an officer drops a blanket over him so he can't see] Stan: What happened? Dad: You're making a mistake! [he is naked and covered with blood, two officers haul him towards a police cruiser, while he struggles] Let me go! It wasn't me, I tell ya! A burglar broke in! He was black! He's the one who stabbed that nagging bitch in her fat face! He was blaaack! [the officers put him in and close the back door. The boys don't believe what they've just seen] Scene Description: South Park County Community Center, day. A bunch of bicycles cover the parking area and kids can be heard inside. Kyle tries to hold court Kyle: Guys, guys, I know we're all concerned, but we have to work together! Red: How is this stuff allowed to stay on the air?! Clyde: The police found hours and hours of murder porn on the Hagens' DVR. What more proof do we need?! Butters: I called the networks that are putting this smut out there, and you know what they told me?! They told me if I didn't want my parents watchin', then I should spend more time with them! Like it's my fault! Wendy: This is the result of a broken society in which profits come before morals! Cartman: Boooooooooo. Boooo Wendy Testaburger! Boo! Kyle: Look everybody, I know we all feel our hands are tied, but the fact is, we can do something about this. There's an app which can actually allow kids to block things that their parents watch on television. And it is password-protected with a security code that only a child would know. Scene Description: The Marsh house, night. The Marshes are in bed watching ID. Narrator: Tonight at 10, it's a tale of lust, seduction, and murder, on Sexy Betrayals. [a man and woman kiss. He holds a wedding ring in one hand, and a knife in the other] Then at 7, some like their murder with a side of sexy biscuits, [a couple kisses on the front porch, then the girlfriend shots her man point blank in the forehead, smiling] on Southern Fried Homicide. But now, get ready for lust, betrayal and murder, [another couple. The girl stabs the guy through the left eye] on Hot Load Case Files. [a woman is ready to unload on her man and the two other women he's in bed with] Randy: Oh yeah! [he and Sharon strip down] Three of the best shows in a row! Sharon: Is the lube over there? Randy: Yeah, I got lube right here. Sharon: Well get over here, big guy. Randy: Yeah-hah! [he moves over to her and they start making out. He leaves the lube near the edge of the bed. A three-tone chime is heard. Randy looks over and reads the screen] Scene Description: The screen reads: "CONTENT BLOCKED. To unlock, answer the security question: 'How do you tame a horse in Minecraft?' Randy: What the? [sits up. The lube falls off the bed] What the hell? [tries to change channels, but they all say the same thing. Moments later he's on the phone with his cable service.] Yeah, hi, uhh, we aren't getting our informative murder porn. No, no, none of our channels that have informative murder porn appear to be working. Yeah, the screen just says "How do you tame a horse in Minecraft?" Uhhh yes, we do have children. A what? A parental lock? Scene Description: Stan's room, night. His door is open. Randy walks into view, wearing only slippers, but stays in the hallway. Because he's naked, he's covering his privates Randy: Stan. Stan! [Stan wakes up, his eyes half-closed] How do you tame a horse in Minecraft? Stan: [miffed] What? Randy: What is Minecraft and how do you tame a horse in it?! Stan: You guys don't need to be watching that stuff. [closes his eyes] Randy: Oh come on! You can't block your parents from watching informative murder porn! What? You, you think if we watch shows about married people killing each other all the time we're gonna go out and do it?! That's stupid! [thinking a bit. Stan opens his eyes] I'm not gonna go out and kill your mom just because I watch Investigate Discovery, Stan! It'd be impossible to clear away all the DNA evidence anyway! Even if I hired someone else to kill her, I'd have to kill that person too, because 96% of the time that person eventually tells the truth! I thought this through a lot! [Stan closes his eyes again] Stan? [Stan opens his eyes] You're a lousy kid! I wish Jaden Smith was my son! [goes back to his room. Stan rolls his eyes and goes back to sleep] Scene Description: Get Cable offices, day. Inside, in the waiting area, is a group of angry, locked-out adults, including Gerald, Stuart, Stephen and Linda, and Mrs. Tweak. Stephen: Who do out children think they are?! Blocking our TV content?! Mrs. Tweak: How are they able to do this with their smartphones? Randy: It's all right. Our kids think they've outsmarted us, but we're the ones who pay the cable company! [Stuart returns from a meeting with the cable company] What'd they say? Can they remove the parental lock? Stuart: No, they just did their usual cable-company runaround. Randy: What?! We'll see about this! [storms into the office] Excuse me, our content is being blocked and we need it now! Cable Guy: I'm sorry sir. If you need it now, perhaps you should switch to another cable company. [tauntingly] Ohhh there's not another cable company, is there? [begins to rub his nipples in circles] Ohhh, that's right, we're the only one in town. Randy: Look, if our kids can block content, then you must be able to block them! Cable Guy: As we told the others, sir, we can fix it. We just need to send a technician out to your house to change out your cable box. Randy: [relieved somewhat] Oh. Well okay, great. Cable Guy: [begins to process the request on his computer] We'll just need to find a window of time you can be home... How about between the hours of 6 am and 3 pm all of November? Randy: NO, I can't wait around my house from 6 am to 3 pm all of November! Cable Guy: [begins to taunt again] Oh, you can't? [begins rubbing his nipples through his shirt] Jeez that's too bad. You need to be home for the technician. Have you thought of switching to DirecTV? Randy: I can't afford DirecTV. Cable Guy: Oh, you can't? [rips off some patches covering his nipples off his shirt and begins rubbing his nipples directly] Jeez, that's terrible. Then I guess you just have to work within our time windows. [squeezes his nipples. Randy just glares at him and walks out] Stephen: Well? Any luck? Randy: No, just the usual cable-company stuff. Mrs. Tweak: Oh well, guess we'll just have to live without our informative crime drama. Stephen: No, screw that! Can't we just learn this Minecraft game so we can get around our kids' parental lock? Randy: I've tried! It's not like other video games. I really don't get it. It was all retro and like Legos, but, then a bunch of kids online called me a griefer and kicked me off. Stephen: We can learn, Randy. There's talk of a child. Word is he will teach Minecraft to anybody for the right price. Scene Description: In front of a kid's house, day. Randy knocks on the door. A boy holding a lollipop answers the door. Boy: Hello? Randy: Hi. Corey Lanskin? Corey: Yes? Randy: We heard that... you're willing to teach Minecraft to adults? Corey: Fuck off! [shuts the door on Randy. The adults are stunned and look at each other. Randy knocks on the door again, twice. Corey answers the door again, still suspicious] Randy: Look, we were told that you were available for hire and we're desperate! Corey: You was told wrong, mistuh! I'm just a simple kid with a simple passion for simple things! Randy: We have a hundred ounces of silver. [Stuart leans to his left a bit and shows off a box] Corey: [looks right, then left, and talks in a serious British accent] Wipe your feet and turn off your cell phones. [goes inside. Randy looks back at the other adults, then wipes his shoes off on the welcome mat and goes in. The other adults wipe their shoes off and go on in.] Scene Description: Corey's basement, moments later. He's got two long tables in there, with three computers on each table, all loaded up and ready for Minecraft training. Corey: [pacing back and forth between the tables explaining the game] Next we're going to select an empty world. Selecting an empty world will begin with you being dropped onto a beach. Now you're free to roam around and start punching trees! Gerald: Punching trees? Randy: Why, why would we punch trees? Corey: Just use your fucking brain! How do you get wood? [Randy isn't sure] 'Ow do you get wood?! Randy: [nervously] Watching informative murder porn? Corey: NOO NOO, in this Minecraft forest, how do you get wood?! Randy: Puh, punching trees? Corey: Riiight. You punch the trees to get the wood, you get the wood to build a cabin. Randy: Oh, I see. So when does the game start? Corey: You are playing the game; this is the game! Randy: ...I don't get it. Corey: That's because you're thinkin' like a dad. Minecraft, it don't got no winner. It don't got no objective. You just fuckin' build an' shit. And seein' if other things can come and knock it down. Now, let's click on the inventory, and let's filter through the skin! Randy: Yes ah, I'm getting it now. Gerald: You are? Randy: No. Scene Description: The Marsh house, night. Sharon is in bed looking bored. Sharon: Randy, it's getting late. Let's just go to sleep. Randy: [at his computer playing away] I almost got it, Sharon. I found out where the horse is; now I just gotta figure out how to tame one. Sharon: I'm really not in the mood now anyway. Randy: Sharon, I miss being intimate with you! Everything was so passionate and then it just... dropped off. I feel like we're losing our bond. Sharon: We don't have to have sex for our relationship to be good. Randy: No, I know, but it's like we're just good friends. A marriage has to be more than that! A marriage has to include fulfillment of fantasy and desire sometimes. Magma cube? What the hell is a magma cube? Sharon: [settling in] Well I'm going to sleep, Randy. Randy: Okay, I'll wake you up if we get our murder porn back. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, hallways, day. Stan and Kyle walk down the hall Jimmy: There he is. Hey Kyle! [arrives with Craig and Tweek] The parental lock isn't working. Our parents are still watching murder porn. Kyle: What? How do you know? Tweek: I caught my parents over at Bebe's house watching Sunsets of Homicide. But Bebe got the lock from the cable company! Craig: It's true. I walked in on my parents watching Marital Murder Mayhem. They broke the parental lock somehow. Stan: That's impossible. Are you guys sure you set it up right? Cartman: You guys? [Stan and Kyle turn to face him. He's at the end of the hall] You guys, you'd better get over here. Stan: What? Cartman: Butters' dad killed his mom. [Stan and Kyle look at each other in disbelief] Scene Description: Around the corner, down another hall. Butters is sitting on the floor crying. Around him are Bebe, Wendy, Kenny consoling him, and Cartman. Stan, Kyle, Craig, Tweek, and Jimmy arrive and a few other kids gather around Stan: Butters, what happened? Butters: [through his tears] I was out by the lake last night and I saw my dad out in this field. He was harvesting sugarcane. It didn't make any sense because he was trying to harvest the sugarcane with a hammer. I saw him take my mom up to the top of this big... thing he had built, and he yelled "Hey, watch out for the Creepers!" but she fell! Kyle: Wait... wait, you mean in Minecraft? Butters: Yeah. And then my dad just went berserk and came over and picked me up and threw me down a well! [Mr. Mackey happens along] I was trapped down there all night! Mr. Mackey: Butters, your dad threw you down a well? Stan: In Minecraft. Mr. Mackey: Well what the hell is that? Butters: I finally found a ladder and I was able to hoist myself out and there was my dad... frozen in the lake! It was like he had no idea how to swim out of it! Oh God it was so terrible! It was so terrible! Kyle: [turns left] That's it. [walks a bit] That's how our parents broke the passcode. I never thought anyone would stoop so low! Stan: Whattaya mean? Kyle: Someone is teaching our parents Minecraft. [dramatic flourish] Scene Description: The Marsh house, dawn. Two officers knock on his door. He answers it in his bathrobe Randy: Yes? Officer 1: Hello sir, had a little incident last night, wondering if you saw or heard anything? Randy: No, what happened? Officer 1: Well, someone broke into your next door neighbor's back yard and they... dug up a bunch of holes and punched his trees. Randy: Punched his trees, huh? Officer 1: Yes sir. Then we got a house across the street where someone dug up the yard and... built a cabin. Randy: Huh. [puts his hands on his hips] That's weird. Officer 1: What were you doing last night? Randy: I was just playing Mi- mmmmuh... my banjo. Officer 2: I play the banjo too. Officer 1: Well, thanks for your time sir. You might wanna keep the lights on in your yard tonight in case someone tries to build a cabin on it as well. Randy: Will do, officer. Will... do... [the officers turn and leave] Scene Description: South Park County Community Center, day. The kids are back inside, clamoring. Kyle is at the podium, and Stan stands next to him Kyle: Alright, alright, let's calm down! I know we're all concerned here! Cartman: Concerned?! Thanks to you and your stupid app, parents are still watching murder porn, and now they're screwing up Minecraft too! [the kids clamor for a few seconds] Craig: I spent three hours last night trying to get Tweek's parents to stop griefing my castle! When I finally got away from them, I found they had taken all my dandelions! Clyde: Why did we agree to that stupid app?! Kyle: You know why! Because we're trying to keep our parents from watching murder porn! Cartman: And why was that?! Because one kid's dad actually went and killed his mom! For all we know, that kid's parents have been doing drugs and cheating on each other for years! Maybe watching murder porn had nothin' to do with it! Wendy: I have to agree with Cartman. Maybe we overreacted when our parents- Cartman: Boooooo! Boo Wendy, boooo. Stan: It's true, dude. Maybe we just need to trust that our parents won't act out what they see. [police sirens are heard] Officer 3: All right, that's enough. Come on out and there won't be any trouble. [the kids pour out of the rec center and into some bright spotlights.] Give it up, Stotch. You've nowhere to run. Butters: Huh? Stephen: I'll never give up! [the kids look up, and the next camera shows a makeshift castle built over the rec center, made of blocks of wood with pictures all over them] I don't even remember doing this! Just leave me alone! Randy: [steps forward carrying a large hammer] Huhuh. Oh nice one, Stotch! Your castle fuckin' sucks! Stephen: Aw, go to hell, you griefer! Cartman: Alright, we've gotta do something. Scene Description: Corey's house, day. Kyle knocks on Corey's door. Stan, Cartman and Kenny are with him. Corey: [in a trembling voice] Hello? Kyle: Corey Lanskin? Corey: Eh yes? Kyle: We heard that you might be teaching Minecraft to adults. Corey: [sucks on his lollipop] Whaaa? What's a, what's a "Minequaf"? Stan: Look dude, we're trying to keep our parents away from graphic television shows! This could be a matter of life and death! Corey: Oh no, please don't be angry. My mommy's always angry. "Get back in the meat locker!" "Ouchie ouchie Mommy raped my nono!" But she loves me, right? Mommy loves me? Kyle: Uh alright, sorry kid. Gue- guess we have the wrong house. Corey: Ohhhkay. [goes back inside] Bye. [closes the door. The boys turn around and leave, but Cartman stops on the walkway. A few seconds later the other three boys return] Stan: What, dude? Cartman: Something he said. Did you hear him? He said "Ouchie ouchie Mommy raped my nono!" Stan: So? Cartman: You know, if I'd been caught lying about something, that's exactly what I would have said. Scene Description: Meanwhile, in Corey's basement, new players at the the computers. Only four of them this time, including Craig's parents and Clyde's father. Corey: Now that you've built a workbench it's time to build somethin' that will take care of all those fuckin' sheep! [the boys have found the basement and come down the stairs] Just stop thinkin' with your grown-up brains and start usin' your- Stan: Aha! [the boys reach the floor] Corey: Oh shit! [the adults quickly leave] Kenny: (I knew you're up to something!) Cartman: Son of a bitch! [grabs Corey by the collar] Don't you think there are enough griefers in the world without our parents being shown this stuff?! Corey: Kids gotta find some way to make a livin', don't 'e? Stan: You have no idea what this is about, do you?! We were using Minecraft to block our parents from watching spousal homicide shows! Corey: What? You mean like Investigation Discovery? Kyle: So you know it. Corey: Yeah, I've seen that stuff. [Cartman releases him] "'Oo The Bleep Did I Marry?", "True Crime with Aphrodite Jones". Real sick shit. Your parents watch that stuff? Kyle: We put a stop to it, until YOU taught them Minecraft. Corey: Your problem ain't with me, mates. Sure, one or two people might act out what they see in video games, but cable television? [takes out a cigarette and lighter and lights up the cigarette, then starts smoking.] People copy everything they see people do on cable. You're goin' about this all wrong. You wanna protect your family? You're gonna have to go fight the cable company. Scene Description: The cable company, day. The boys walk up to the cable guy Cable Guy: Hey guys, can I help you? Kyle: Hello. There are certain networks that we see as harmful to our families, and we want them removed, please. Cable Guy: [taunting] Ohhh, you don't want cable anymore? Stan: No no, [whips out a list and reads it] just ID Network, A&E, Oxygen, and Oprah's network. All the ones with murder porn. Cable Guy: You don't like paying for all the channels? [begins rubbing his nipples through his shirt] Ohh, our company actually packages channels together. Stan: Look, can you unpackage them so we only get the channels we want? Cable Guy: Oh I'm sorry. Our company doesn't work that way. [lowers his hands as if to look up something] You want me to give you the number of a different cable company that can- [goes back to rubbing his nipples] Oh wait, we're it, aren't we? [rips off the patches and rubs his nipples again] Dangit, I guess you have to deal with our packages. Kyle: Can we talk to your supervisor please?! Cable Guy: Oh, sure. Hey David? David: [arrives] Hi, is there a problem here? [rips off the patches on his shirt and prepares to rub] Stan: We want specific networks dropped from our cable. David: [taunting. Both men are now rubbing their nipples] Ohhh you have to pay for the bundle. You can't just pay for what you wanna watch. Darn it. Kyle: You mean that we're forced to pay for the Oprah channel? Cable Guy: I guess if you don't wanna be [lowers his left hand from his nipple so that David starts rubbing it with his right hand. He in turn begins to rub David's right nipple with his left hand] forced to pay for Oprah, you're gonna have to shut off your cable altogether. Kyle: Fine, [folds his arms over his chest] then we'll shut our cable off altogether! David: Hey Mitch? When can you get out to shut off some cable boxes? Mitch: [at his office rubbing his nipples] Oh man, it's gonna be like three weeks. There's a whole plug I have to pull out; it's like four inches long. David: [now rubbing both of the cable guy's nipples, while the cable guy rubs his left nipple now] Three weeks, huh? Okay, is three weeks from now okay with you guys? Stan: No, that's way too long! Cable Guy: Oh it is? David: Oh Jeez, that's terrible. Stan: Goddammit, I just don't want my parents to murder each other! [the men stop rubbing] Can't you see that all we're trying to do is keep our families safe? Look, ah I don't know if seeing couples murder each other on television is gonna make my parents do it, and we probably won't be able to stop them from watching what they wanna watch. All we're trying to do is make it a little more difficult for them. Because cable makes is so convenient. Sure, if they didn't have easy access to their murder porn channels, they'd be bummed out, but it's not just our responsibility to give them what they want. Is it? David: Say... say that last part again? Stan: What? David: Well what was the last part you said? Stan: I said it's not our responsibility to give them what they want. David: Nono, the part about your parents not getting the channels easily? Stan: I... said it would really bum them out. David: How... [he and the cable guy being to rub their nipples again] How much would it bum them out? Scene Description: A screen read "PLEASE STAND BY FOR AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE" Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please stand by for an important message from the president of your local cable company. President: Hello. In an effort to comfort the anguished cries or children everywhere, your local cable company has decided to drop all networks that sexualize spousal homicides from regular programming. Customers still wishing to view true-crime networks will now need to purchase a separate package [pulls back his coat and rips some patches off his dress shirt] which will require a technician to service your cable box every night from 2 to 3 am. and must include the purchase of 300 channels in Portuguese. We realize this may be an inconvenience to you, and we hope you will voice ALL your concerns to us, because at your local cable company the customer is always... our bitch. Scene Description: The Marsh breakfast nook, morning. Stan is doing some homework at the table. Randy is mad and isn't talking to anyone, and he has his arms crossed over his chest. Sharon is washing dishes Randy: Jaden Smith lets his parents do whatever they want. You know what? The guys at work, they took a bet on who would win in a fight, you or Jaden Smith, and they all said Jaden Smith could kick your ass! He does movies and he can sing, and he's totally cool to his parents! Stan: Well then maybe you should go live with Jaden Smith, Dad. Randy: [gets up angrily from his chair] I wish I could! I wish I could live with Jaden Smith so I could be rich and I wouldn't have to live in a boring sexless marriage where all your mom and I do piss each other off! [Sharon stops washing the dishes and leaves the kitchen. Randy notices and follows her with his eyes] Oh crap. Scene Description: In the living room. Randy appears at the kitchen doorway Randy: Sharon, I'm I'm sorry. [approaches her] Sharon: No, you'r right, Randy. Without any sex we just seem to get madder and madder at each other. Randy: [puts his arms on her shoulders] No, no, you're right, Sharon. We don't need informative murder porn to find passion in our marriage. We just have to get the spark back. Let's go away somewhere, me and you! Somewhere exciting and beautiful where we can just focus on us. Scene Description: The world of Minecraft. A high cliff is shown, with a waterfall and mountain goats. At the foot of this cliff is a lake and a park. A fire pit is nearby, lit and roaring. Randy's Minecraft avatar shows up Randy: Sharon? Heh, hey Sharon, are you here? Sharon: I'm here, Randy. Randy: It's beautiful, isn't it? Come on ever here, I built us a fire. Look what I got you. [presents a gem] Sharon: Diamonds. [takes them] They're beautiful Randy: Just thought I'd surprise you. And there's more where that came from. Sharon: I've got a surprise for you too, Randy. Randy: Oh yeah? What's that? [Sharon whips out an axe and jams it into Randy's forehead] AAAGH! [Randy falls on his side and dies. In real life...] Sharon, what the effing fuck was that?![Sharon is smiling] Sharon: Sorry. I couldn't resist. Randy: Jesus, you stuck a pick axe right in my skull! Sharon: Oh I did! That felt really great. Randy: Felt great? Sharon: [getting sensuous] Yeah... Randy: Well, hold on, stay by the lake. I wanna kill you now. Sharon: Okay. [hours later, Stan comes home from school. He comes up the stairs wearing his backpack and hears his parents having a good time in their room. He walks over and goes in without knocking] Oh my God, you put that sword right through my face! Randy: That felt so good! Sharon: My turn again. Randy: Okay, hang on. Sharon: I've always thought about murdering you in your sleep. Can you go to the cabin and get in bed? Randy: Yeah, okay, I'm headin' there now. Sharon: You lazy jerk! You never do anything around the house! [CHUNK!] Randy: OH! Ohoho, you bitch! [Stan looks down, then turns around and walks out] Ohohunh. Sharon: Oh I love you, Randy. Randy: I love you too babe. [CHUNK! She got him again] OH!

Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, the school halls. Token is at his locker switching books when Cartman comes 'round the corner Cartman: Hey Token! [walks up to Token] What's up, bro? Token: Nothing. Cartman: "Nothin'" Me neither. Nothin's goin' on. Sucks. [sniffs] Everything good with you? Token: Yeah. Cartman: Sweet. [Jimmy walks over and Cartman notices him] Hey Jimmy, what are you doin'? Jimmy: Uh, I'm just gettin' ready for cla- Cartman: Yeah, I'm just hangin' out with Token. Did you know that if it wasn't for African-Americans, we wouldn't have Rock & Roll? So cool that we have a black President. [Jimmy walks away and Token is done at his locker] About time. [Stan and Kyle stop to watch] Stan: Is he doing it again? Kyle: He's doing it a-gain. Cartman: Dude, um, what are doing after school, Token? You wanna, you wanna hang out? [Token puts one last book in before closing his locker] Token: I uhhh, have band practice. Cartman: God you are sooo cool. Alright bro, I'll catch you at recess. [makes a fist with his left hand and straightens out his arm toward Token] Fist bump. Fist bump, bro. [Token reluctantly makes a fist with his right hand and bumps Cartman's fist with it. He leaves, and Cartman moves on in a happy mood, stopping by Stan and Kyle] Stan: Cartman, are you feeling alright? Cartman: Yeah, I feel great. Why? [looks back] You think something's wrong? [moves on, not smiling] Scene Description: Herbert Garrison's classroom, later in the day. He's teaching about the French Revolution by way of Les Misérables, on the chalkboard. Herbert Garrison: Alright, now the French Revolution was basically started by a young man named Marius. [underlines the name], who only knew Jean Valjean as an older man, and uh- [Cartman interrupts him with a grunt] ...uh, the French government at the time was led by Javert, who was trying to- Cartman: Mister! [Herbert Garrison turns around] No! Stop, Token, stop! My brains! Stop eating my brains! Brad Pitt! [wakes up violently and looks bewildered. Token is stunned, and Herbert Garrison, with his arms crossed, is not pleased.] Hey Token. What's up, bro? [makes a fist and extends it towards Cartman] Fist bump? [Token is unmoved and upset] Scene Description: Moments later, at Mr. Mackey's office... Mr. Mackey: Eric, somethin' is clearly wrong, m'kay, and it would be best to jus' get it out in the open. Cartman: It's Token. I think he's a ticking time bomb. Mr. Mackey: And why do you think Token is a tickin' time bomb? Cartman: He's pissed off. Because of something that happened a long time ago but he won't forget. Mr. Mackey: Do you think he blames you for somethin'? Cartman: But it wasn't me, it wasn't my fault! Mr. Mackey: Wull have you, thought about maybe writin' your feelin's down? In a poem? Uh- write a poem and give that to, g-give that to Token? Cartman: No, it's too gay. It would only make things worse. Mr. Mackey: Well Eric, you need to do somethin' because you keep losing sleep. M'kay and sleep is very important to your success at school. M'kay? Cartman: M'kay. Ahah-I'll be m'kay. Mr. Mackey: M'kay, you sure? Because I'm here when you need me. Cartman: M'kay. Scene Description: Cartman's room, night. He's having nightmares. Cartman: No, Token! Leave Brad Pitt alone! Brad Pitt is fighting zombies! No ah Token, Token! Scene Description: Cartman's dream, morning. He voices all the characters in it. A family is seated in a breakfast nook in a kitchen. The girls are giggling. Karin: [serving pancakes] Eat your breakfast, girls. [turns around to put the pan back on the stove] Rachel: Where's Daddy? Karin: You can eat without your father in the room. Now hurry. [the girls giggle and the older one notices someone] Rachel: Daddy! Gerry: Good morning, girls. [walks in fully dressed, with a cup of coffee already in hand.] Save Daddy any pancakes? Look at that? Six A.M. and my family is already smiling. [Karin walks over and kisses him] Karin: How did I get such a perfect husband? Gerry: How did I get such a beautiful wife? Rachel: I love you, Dad. Gerry: I love you too, Princess. I love both of you, equally. Karin: Nothing can ever go wrong, so long as we all have each other. Scene Description: News report inside the dream. Gerry turns around to see the TV Reporter: Today apparently will be the day! CNN has just received word that a verdict in the George Zimmerman trial is expected to come at any moment! Zimmerman is accused of shooting Trayvon Martin, and a jury will now decide his fate. Constance: Daddy, who is Trayvon Martin? Gerry: [turns around] Nobody. L-let's just get you girls to school. Scene Description: Cartman's dream, downtown, some minutes later. He's on a one-way street with a bunch of other cars all trying to move, but stuck. Somehow, the family remains chipper Gerry: Is it bigger than a bread box? Rachel: What's a bread box, Dad? Constance: Heehee, Dad is so kewl. Karin: You can say that again. Gerry: [getting worried] Why aren't we moving? What's gong on? [turns on the radio to 106.7 FM and Michael Bublé's "It's A Beautiful Day" comes out of the speakers. The family sways along to the beat. A news report comes on the air] Reporter: We interrupt this cool song for a news bulletin. A verdict has just been handed down in the case of George Zimmerman. In a shocking turn of events, the jury has found George Zimmerman not guilty! Gerry: Oh my God. [fleeing white people run by his car, quickly overtaken by pissed-off black people] Reporter: Many African-Americans are outraged by the verdict, and they are most likely about to go totally nanners. [some of them surround the car. One of them punches a window and cracks it, a second cracks the passenger window with his head, a third crawls up on the hood and breaks the windshield with his head, sticking his head inside the car] Gerry: AAAAAH! Protester: Fuck you, Brad Pitt! Gerry: Let's bail! [steps on the gas and runs over a protester, ripping him to shreds. His car runs into another car and the protester on his hood flies off.] Everyone get out of the car! Go! [the family gets out and runs through the rioting crowd. They climb up a fire escape and onto the roof of a building, then look down over the riot. What they see is amazing: African-Americans converge and climb the side of the building in a great mass of humanity. Some of them fall back towards the street, but the mass gets closer and closer to the roof] Oh my god RUN! [they turn left and come face to face with... Token] WAAH! Token. No, Token, we had nothing to do with this. I know you're pissed off, but but be reasonable! Token: Fuck you, Brad Pitt! Gerry: No! Nonono! [Token lunges at him] Nooo! [Cartman wakes up, touches himself to make sure he's there, and chuckles nervously] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, the school halls. Token is at his locker switching books when Cartman comes 'round the corner. This time, he looks beat and walks slowly. He sees Token and walks towards him. He didn't get much sleep, and he sounds it Cartman: Hey Token? How are you doing? Token: I'm good. Cartman: That's awesome. I'm so stoked that we're best friends. [puts his left fist forward] Fist bump. [leans to his left a little] Fist bump. [Token closes his locker and hurries away] Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's classroom, later in the day. Cartman is having nightmares again. Cartman: No! My wife, Token! Token, that's my wife! Token: Okay, really? Cartman: No Token! Stop beating my daughter! NOOO! [wakes up] Scene Description: Mr. Mackey's office, some minutes later. Mr. Mackey: Now Eric, whatever it is you and Token are going through, you need to talk through it, m'kay? The problems you two are havin' have become a distraction for everybody else. Agreed? Cartman: Agreed. Mr. Mackey: Okay. Token, come on in, please. [the door opens and Token walks in, closing it behind him. Token takes a seat next to Cartman] Cartman: Hoh boy, here we go. Mr. Mackey: Token, I've been talkin' with Eric and he's really upset that you two aren't gettin' along. You have some things you wanna say, Eric? Cartman: [after a few seconds] Token, I wasn't on that jury. Okay? Token: ...What jury? Cartman: This grudge that you're holding against an entire group of people should be directed at just a few, not at me. Mr. Mackey: Okay Token, what are your feelings about that? Token: [looks at Eric for a few seconds, then answers] I don't know what to say. Cartman: I wrote a poem. Is it okay if I read my poem? [pulls out his poem and begins] It's called "I Was Not The Bullet." [clears his throat] I was not the bullet. I was not the gun. I was not the juror that set the shooter free. I was not the trigger. I was not the hate. Nor was I the judge, but still, you judge me? I was not the black family mourning for the dead. "Oooo, somebody shot our children. Lordy, what we do now?" I was not the verdict. Token: This isn't a poem. It doesn't even rhyme. Cartman: It's going to rhyme, Token, just hold on. I was not the shooter. I was not the gun. So Token, you should be cool while we're all here at school. [folds his poem up and puts it away.] Token: Can I go back to class now? Mr. Mackey: Eric, do you feel better about all this? Cartman: Yeah, yeah I do. I think we really had a breakthrough here. Mr. Mackey: Okay, thanks Token. [Token gets up and leaves the office] Cartman: It's gonna be okay. I think we're all safe now. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, the gym. The students are assembled there. The cheerleaders take the court. Among them is Lorraine, who has previously been mocked for her clothes Cheerleaders: We are Cows, proud and true! Come on, South Park, moo moo moo! Goooo Cows! Principal Victoria: Ooookay, thank you, cheerleaders. That was very nice. Ahhh, next we have a student who would like to perform an original rap song, [Nicole sits down next to Token] based on his award-winning poem, "I Was Not The Bullet," with backup music by Butters Stotch. [Butters walks up, takes the mic, and starts beatboxing. Cartman walks up and starts rapping] Cartman (Butters): Black or white, it's alright. Black or white, let's not fight. I was not the bullet. I was not the gun. I was not the jury, so don't blame me, son! James my man was wrong (It's not our fault). James my man was wrong (It's not Eric's fault). Black or white, it's alright. Black or white, let's not fight. White people say Ho-oh! The kids: Ho-oh. Cartman: Black people say He-ey! [Token and Nicole stay quiet] Cool. White people say Ho ho! [Token and Nicole begin to get mad] The kids: Ho ho! Cartman: Black people say Hey hey hey! [no reply] Uh oh, I think the white people are winning! White people got you beat, black people; you'd better represent! Let me hear you say "I don't blame the white people. No no no!" Token: [stands up in defiance] Alright, that's enough! [Butters stops and looks, then gets dismayed] You think I should feel bad for you because of the Trayvon Martin verdict?! Cartman: Token, calm down. Token: What the hell is wrong with you?! Why are you all here listening to this?! Cartman: Oh God here it comes! Get down everybody! Get down now! [throws his mic down and runs off] Scene Description: The neighborhood. Cartman runs into view, rounds the corner and runs towards home Cartman: Clear the streets! Everyone clear the streets! We've gotta get the fuck out of here! [runs inside his house] Mom it's starting! We've gotta go! [runs up to his room and opens a drawer. He rifles through it looking for something] Come on, come on! [finds a red safety box with "BRAD PITT SURVIVAL GEAR" printed on the lid and on the panel under the clasp. He opens it and pulls out a gun and a Brad Pitt costume. He puts the costume on, takes the gun, and runs out into the street] Come on, we've gotta move! It's spreading! Let's go! [nearby, a couple is on their front lawn. The man is trimming bushes while his wife is shoveling snow by the front door.] Woman: Does that little boy have a gun? Man: Get inside. [drops his shears and heads for the door] Woman: But- Man: Get inside! [they both go inside. Cartman crosses the stret and a car almost runs him over, but he sidesteps the car and holds his gun out. The car stops and he gets inside] Cartman: [frantically] Driiive! You've gotta driiive! Nooow! Nelly's mom: What's going on?! Cartman: Get to an airport! Nelly's mom: An airport?! But...? Cartman: We've got about ten minutes before this entire country is up in flames! If you wanna live, you'd better step on the gas! Oh wait, is this a Tesla? Shit! Well press on the prissy pedal! We're gonna die!! [she presses the pedal and takes off] Scene Description: The airport, later. Announcer: Now calling rows 10 through 30 for boarding. Cartman: The outbreak has started! We've gotta get the fuck out of here! [enters the tunnel] Passenger 1: An outbreak? [covers his mouth with his sweater] Passenger 2: Which one? Cartman: Get on the flight! Let's move! Let's go go go go! [Nelly's Mom rushes into the plane. Three black security guards appear] Oh my God! [closes the plane's door and locks it. The guards try to get in, but Cartman holds the handle down with all his might] Pilot: My God, what's going on out there? Cartman: The outbreak's starting! Fly the plane now! [the plane takes off moments later] Scene Description: The airplane, now in the air and safe to walk around in Co-pilot: Maybe now you can tell us what the hell is going on?! Cartman: The e-... The end of the world? We've got one shot and one shot only and that's to find a place where the contagion won't reach us! Passenger 3: What contagion? My wife didn't get on the plane. [to the copilot] Take this plane back to Denver! Cartman: You don't understand. There's no Denver left to go back to! [the passengers all take their seats.] Scene Description: The control tower. Everyone there is running around trying to figure out how a plane got off without authorization Captain: Alright what the hell is going on here?! Worker 1: We don't know anything. First there was talk of a hijacking, then reports of an outbreak of some kind. Worker 2: Confirmed report of panic in a rural town in the Colorado Rockies! Worker 3: Sir, the pilot of flight 82 wants an update. They're asking permission to land. Captain: Stall them. I don't want that plane landing anywhere until we know what the hell we're dealing with! Worker 4: [walks up with a book] Sir, you'd better look at this. This was found in the airport lavatory. It seems to be a survival guide of some kind. Captain: Survival of what? Worker 4: From the looks of it, a contagion outbreak of the worst kind. [the book shows a page of black zombies attacking everyone else] Captain: Oh my God. Pilot: DA43 to tower, please advise! [hangs up the mic] Damnit! They aren't telling me anything! Co-pilot: Do you think it's a virus? Pilot: Virus, bacteria, either way we're all dead! Find out if he thinks it's safe to land in Los Angeles. Co-pilot: What about Los Angeles? Can we take the plane to Los Angeles? Cartman: Not a chance. By now most of the urban cities will be compromised. This whole things from city to city. We need to go somewhere the trend won't take hold. Like Iceland. [points to the island on a map.] Co-pilot: This plane won't make it to Iceland! Passenger 3: You got a better idea, asshole?! Cartman: Everyone quiet! I have to think! Nelly's mom: Yes, let him think! Cartman: I can't think here. I need a magazine and a toilet. [heads off to the restroom. He sees the "vacant" sign and opens the door, only to see a black man on the toilet] Occupant: Oh, I'm just finishing up. Cartman: Nah! [shuts the door and jumps back, then throws everything he can at the door so the occupant can't exit] Occupant: Hey! Cartman: [running back to his seat] One of them is in the back! Nelly's mom: What?! Passenger 3: What do you mean?! Co-pilot: Everyone just calm down! We have to stay in control! [the occupant is still trying to get out, and everyone on the plane faces the lavatory door. The occupant begins to grunt and growl] Passenger 4: [at one of the doors] I won't become one of them! [forces it open. It rips away, and he flies out. Other things fly out behind them. The other passengers and crew hang on for dear life. The occupant finally exits the lavatory] Co-pilot: Shoot it! [instead of waiting for Cartman to shoot the occupant, he takes Cartman's gun and shoots him. The occupant ducks and the bullet ricochets a few times. It hits the ceiling, which causes an explosion.] Scene Description: South Park Elementary playground, day. Butters is skipping rope with a bunch of girls while Stan and Kyle play catch the football with some other guys Girls: Engine engine #9 running down Chicago Line, if the train should jump the track do you want your money back? [the plane appears and only Stan notices it falling to its doom] Butters: Yes. Girls: Y-E-S spells yes- [the plane hits a mountain top, then breaks apart as it goes down the mountain.] Scene Description: Mr. Mackey's office, some time later Mr. Mackey: Now, Token, what you need to understand, m'kay, is that a school assembly is not the time and the place to be yellin' and causin' distractions. M'kay? If there's somebody causin' you problems, then we don't disrupt the assembly, m'kay. You come and you talk to me. Token: He's just out looking for trouble. Mr. Mackey: Well that's your side of it, Token, but you know Eric has his side as well. Have you thought about maybe writin' him a poem? M'kay? Write E- write Eric a poem, tell him how you feel. [smoke from the plane crash rises behind the mountains] You know, m'kay? Well I'm tellin' you, Token, you let it go, and he'll let it go, and it'll all be fine. Can ya? Scene Description: The crash site. Cartman comes to and leaves the wreckage. Nelly's Mom is nearby, and she's calling someone Nelly's mom: No, the plane crashed. We're in the Colorado mountains somewhere. [the call drops] Matt? Matt?! [notices Cartman and walks up to him to explain] My husband. He said the outbreak was all over the news, but everything was totally fine where he was. Cartman: Totally fine? Then it hasn't happened yet. Oh my God, we still have time! Pilot: [barely alive] Help! Help me! [Cartman runs up to him] Please, I have two little girls in Chicago. Please find them! Cartman: It's okay. We have reason to believe it hasn't spread yet. Pilot: Then you have to stop it. Nelly's mom: Yes! Pilot: And there must be... a Patient Zero... The person it all starts from. Cartman: His name is Token. Nelly's mom: We have to kill him, before he infects everyone else! Cartman: I won't do it! He used to be my friend! Pilot: You have to! You have to be strong. If you can stop this- if you can save the world- then you have to do it. [coughs up blood] Promise me! Promise... me! Cartman: [sighs] Alright. I promise. I won't let the black people riot and destroy the world. Pilot: Thank you-wait, what? [sits up, but dies a few seconds later] Nelly's mom: Oh my God! Oh my God! Cartman: We're gonna live through this! Do you hear me?! Nelly's mom: Yes! Cartman: [takes her hand] Come on! [they leave the crash site] Scene Description: Butters' house, day. He's watching TV from the sofa Reporter: First, a wave of 911 calls about a virus, and now a plane has apparently gone down in the Colorado Rocky Mountains. Is this the beginning of the end? Butters: Oh boy! Zombie apocalypse! Reporter: The government is looking for a Patient Zero, going only off of this sketch which was found in a notebook at the airport. [Butters suddenly recognizes the person in the picture] Anyone with information regarding Patient Zero is asked to contact the authorities immediately. Butters: Holy Moly. Scene Description: Jimbo's Guns, day. Cartman and Nelly's Mom reach it and go inside. Cartamn closes the door Jimbo: Can I help you? Cartman: Stay by the window! Tell me if anything changes! [walks up to the counter] I need something that can shoot with complete accuracy from a distance. Jimbo: Alright, you want a rifle! [turns around and takes a rifle from the wall, then turns back and hands it to Cartman] well, like this .22 caliber. [Cartman looks it over, and Jimbo puts his hand on his hip] What is it you intend to shoot? Cartman: A person. [Nelly's Mom looks around] Jimbo: ...You mean a person who's threatening you? Cartman: Threatening all of us! Nelly's mom: Please, please hurry! It's important! Jimbo: Well, you should be fine so long as the person breaks into your house and is an immediate threat to you. Cartman: What?! How am I supposed to get a person to break into my house?! Jimbo: You can't shoot someone who threatens you just out on the street. Well unless of course you're in a state that has a "stand your ground" law. Cartman: Stand my ground? Nelly's mom: Please! We're running out of time! Jimbo: See now with a "stand your ground" law, you could legally shoot somebody that's threatening you whether they're in your house or not. Cartman: Yes yes, that's what I need! I'll take that! Jimbo: No, no, see, you've gotta be IN a state with a "stand your ground" law, like Florida. Cartman: [walks away from the counter] This is hopeless. How am I supposed to shoot Token with all these stupid rules?! [his eyes light up] Wait a minute. I can't shoot Token, [turns around] but I can shoot anyone I want in Florida? Jimbo: So long as they're threatening you. Nelly's mom: What?! What is it, please?! Hurry, my husband might still be alive! Cartman: The other way to stop the outbreak. Token isn't the only Patient Zero. The outbreak won't happen if... we shoot George Zimmerman. We have to get to Florida! Scene Description: Cartman and Nelly's Mom are back at Denver Airport, and the sequence of events from the first plane crash repeat themselves here: Cartman and Nelly's Mom run into the airplane Cartman: Let's go, let's go! Let's move move move move! Let's go![the plane takes off. Once in the air...] Find the closest airport in Florida! [injects himself with something] Flight Attendant: This plane is going to Baltimore. Cartman: If we don't get to Florida there's not going to be a Baltimore left! [everyone sits down] Black guy in the back! [the plane crashes into the Everglades. Cartman and Nelly's Mom make it out of the wreckage] Alight, now let's find Zimmerman. Scene Description: Florida, evening. A weather-beaten yellow truck crashes into a state sign. Cartman and Nelly's Mom get out and meet behind the truck bed. Cartman opens up his bag. Cartman: Put this on. We have to stay hidden from here out. [hands her a black sweater, which she puts on as she walks onto the roadway] Nelly's mom: What are we going to do? Cartman: I'm going to flush out Patient Zero. And you're gonna shoot him. It's the only way. Nelly's mom: What if he attacks us first? Cartman: Don't worry, nobody can see us wearing black. Nelly's mom: I haven't had the time to thank you, for doing what you've d- [a Moov-It truck slams into her and carries her body away. Cartman is confused] Scene Description: Florida, day. The camera pans down and lands on the Zimmerman residence. A family is seated in the breakfast nook in the kitchen. The girls are giggling. Mrs. Zimmerman: [serving pancakes] Eat your breakfast, girls. [turns around to put the pan back on the stove] Older daughter: Where's Daddy? Mrs. Zimmerman: You can eat without your father in the room. Now hurry. [the girls giggle and the older one notices someone] Older daughter: Daddy! George Zimmerman: Good morning, girls. [walks in fully dressed, with a cup of coffee already in hand.] Save Daddy any pancakes? Look at that? Six A.M. and my family is already smiling. [Mom walks over and kisses him] Mrs. Zimmerman: How did I get such a perfect husband, George Zimmerman? George Zimmerman: And how did I get such a beautiful wife? Older daughter: I love you, Dad. George Zimmerman: I love you too, Princess. I love both of you, equally. Mrs. Zimmerman: Nothing can ever go wrong, so long as we all have each other. Reporter: [on TV] Is there any hope for stopping the zombie apocalypse? [George Zimmerman turns around to see the news] CNN has just received word that the government has learned the identity of Patient Zero. [the drawing of Token is shown] The nine year old threat to humanity has been tracked down, and measures are being taken to stop him. Younger daughter: Daddy, what's a Patient Zero? [a knock is heard at the front door. George Zimmerman turns left and walks to the front door. He opens it and two federal agents face him] Agent 1: Hello, Mr. Zimmerman. Your country needs you. George Zimmerman: What do you need from me? Agent 1: We... [holds up a photo of Token] need you to shoot a young African-American for us. George Zimmerman: [turns and walks away] I gave that up. Agent 2: You're the best, Zimmerman. We just need you to do it one more time, for the security of the world! George Zimmerman: Damnit, I have a wife and kids now. Agent 1: Then do it for your family! [Cartman appears on the sidewalk, wearing black face paint and a black sweater] This is about protecting people, Zimmerman! Keeping our streets safe so that our children are free to go out... [his voice trails off as Zimmerman focuses on something else] George Zimmerman: Something's wrong. [quickly turns around and sees the stranger] Look out! [grabs the gun from one of the agent and fires it twice. Cartman's arm gets hit by a bullet and he falls to the ground] Agent 1: My God, I didn't even see him. [the other agent walks over to the body] Agent 2: Nice work, Zimmerman. [George turns and walks over to his family] George Zimmerman: Are you guys okay? Older daughter: What was that, Daddy? George Zimmerman: More needless violence. Agent 1: Nonsense, you did what you had to. You're a hero. George Zimmerman: That may be true, but I'll have to live with this the rest of my life. Even though I'll be walking around a free man. Agent 2: [notices the paint coming off Cartman's face] Hey, wait a minute. This kid isn't black, he's white. George Zimmerman: Wait, what? Scene Description: A courtroom. This is a speedy trial. The judge announces his decision with two blows of the gavel Judge: Guilty! Scene Description: The electic chair. George Zimmerman is tied down to it and the operator brings the switch down for three seconds, then raises it. He lowers it again for two seconds and raises it. Then he does this three times more for a fraction of a second each, then a final time for half a second. Scene Description: A news report Reporter: The zombie apocalypse... is over. All the panic, crashing planes and chaos appear to have, for some reason, died with George Zimmerman. And as for the little boy who was so mercilessly gunned down? [a picture of Cartman smiling appears, his left shoulder in a bandage, his right hand giving a thumbs up] Although he survived the shooting, his wishes are to remain anonymous, giving the hospital only the nickname... "Brad Pitt." ...But cooler. Scene Description: At one of the boys' homes. Eight of them are sitting around watching the news: Clyde, Kyle, Stan, and Craig on the sofa; Jimmy, Kenny and Butters in front of Clyde, and Token sitting by himself near Craig. Stan: That sure wasn't much of a zombie apocalypse. Kyle: Yeah, that sucked. Butters: Well, at least I'll bet Token's glad it's over with. Aren't you, Token? [Token just stands up, looks at the other guys, and walks out. Butters' smile fades] Scene Description: On the street, day. Cartman is in the distance, looking at Token. Token notices and faces him Cartman: Hey Token. ...Sup bro? ...How's it goin' dude? I know how it feels now. Token: You made everyone think I'm a fucking Patient Zero! Cartman: Dude, I'm saying I'm sorry. Token: So what?! Cartman: Uh oh. [brings forth a can of red spray paint and paints a red circle around himself in the middle of the street] Sounds like you're still angry, Token. Token: Fuck you! Cartman: Alright Token, come on! This is ridiculous. I know you totally wanna kick my ass right now. You'd like to walk right up and punch me in the face, but what's that gonna solve? I've got a way better idea. [makes a fist with his right hand and puts it forth] First bump? [Token stays put] Come on dude, fist bump. Bump that shit bro. Be the bigger person. [Token walks up to the red circle, then bends forward and offers his left fist. Then he steps into the circle and Cartman quickly shoots him] Token: Oh! [falls on his face] Cartman: That was, he was on my ground. You all saw that, right? Everything inside the red line is mine. [drags Token's body into the circle] Inside the red line is, that's- that's my ground. He was on it. [smiles when no one answers.] Scene Description: Cartman's dream, day. He's sailing off in his Brad Pitt costume, with his dream family looking on from shore. Gerry's Daughters: Daddy! Gerry: We're safe, girls! Daddy did it! Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's class, day. Token is absent. Cartman wakes up screaming... during class. Mr. Garrison crosses his arms again Cartman: Ugh! Oh man. The ending to that movie was so terrible. Kyle: You're having nightmares about the ending to World War Z again? Cartman: Yeah. So bad. Kyle: That's what bothering you? Not the fact that you're a murderer? Cartman: Jury found me innocent, Kyle! Kyle: You're a murderer. Cartman: You interrupt people when they talk. Mr. Mackey: [over the PA system] Eric Cartman to the counselor's office please. Cartman: Oh man! [walks out of the room] Scene Description: Mr. Mackey's office, moments later. Cartman walks in. Token and Cartman immediately notice each other Cartman: Oh boy. Mr. Mackey: Have a seat, Eric. Now boys, I for one am sick and tired of this little feud you're having, okay? This has clearly gone too far, and you owe each other an apology or you're gettin' detention! Token: An apology?! He shot me! Mr. Mackey: Well he was technically standing his ground, Token. Cartman: Yeah Token, that's the law! Everything inside the red line is lava. Token: [stands on his chair] Well it's a pretty fucking stupid law! Cartman: Token, calm down. Token: And why does standing your ground not apply to fucking white people?! Cartman: Oh God, here we go again! [runs out of the office in a panic]

Scene Description: Henrietta's room, night. She's holding a dramatic Edgar Allan Poe reading there with her fellow Goths. On a small table nearby sits three candles, two books, a statue, and a black and white picture of a freak show with a sign on it: HUMAN FREAK EXHIBIT Henrietta: So I cast my body into the trails of blood. The knife pierces deep, deep into my lonely eyes. So I can see this black world... no more. Pete: Whoa... That's pretty hardcore. [taps some ashes off his cigarette into his ashtray, then flips his hair] Michael: That's real pain right there. [taps some ashes off his cigarette into his ashtray] Henrietta: That's how I feel, when my mother abuses me. I just wanna escape, to she can't hurt me anymore. [Mrs. Biggle knocks three times on Henrietta's door, then opens it] Mrs. Biggle: [sing song] Henrietta, sweetie. Henrietta: [glares at her] Shut up, Mom! Go away! Mrs. Biggle: Oh, but remember, Daddy wanted to talk to you in the living room, my dark little princess. Henrietta: Stop calling me a princess! I'm not a beauty queen in a Disney movie! Mrs. Biggle: We'll be waiting in the living room. Henrietta: [rolls her eyes] God, she just never stops! Scene Description: The living room, moments later. Mrs. Biggle: Oh goodness I am so nervous. [Henrietta enters the living room] Henrietta: What?! Mr. Biggle: Have a seat, Henrietta. [Henrietta sits on the chair] Mrs. Biggle: Oh, a little family chit-chaaat. Henrietta: Shut up, Mom! Mr. Biggle: Henrietta, as you know, your mother and I have been concerned about your behavior for some time. Henrietta: Are we really doing this again?! Mr. Biggle: We've had a hard time coping with the dark things you're into, but we've finally had some counseling, and apparently we're not the only parents who have a child that is... emo. Henrietta: What?! Mrs. Biggle: But Daddy and I love our little muffin, even if she's emo or not. Henrietta: I'm not a fucking emo! Don't you even know the fucking diff! Mr. Biggle: Do you know how your foul language breaks your mother's heart? Mrs. Biggle: Like calling Mommy Demon Jizz. Mr. Biggle: So listen, sweetie, we've found a camp. [her mom brings out a brochure] Henrietta: Noo... Mr. Biggle: A camp which is for troubled kids like you, and you get to work outside and learn about responsibility. Henrietta: [stands up, ready to leave the room] I'm not going to any fucking camp! Mr. Biggle: It's for two weeks, and when you come back we can talk about earning back some of your privileges. Henrietta: I won't come back because I'll be fucking dead. I'll walk out of that camp and I'll walk the streets until I probably get picked up and gangbanged by criminals until I'm bleeding out my fucking eyes!! Mrs. Biggle: Theeeey have a horseshoe pit where you can challenge the other kids to horsehoooes. Scene Description: The loading dock at the side of the school, day, the goths' usual gathering spot Pete: And that's all you know? what else did she say? Michael: She said that her parents called her an emo and she had to go to this camp for two weeks. Pete: [flips hair] Oh my God, for two weeks? Firkle: Is she at the camp now? Michael: I don't know. [scrolls through his text messages] She texted from the bus they put her on, then she said she wasn't even allowed to have her cell phone where she was going. Then all of a sudden her texts went dark. Pete: [softly] Whoa... Firkle: That's fucking creepy man. Michael: [gets up and walks a bit] I just can't believe it. I can't believe parents would do that to their child. Scene Description: Child Protective Services, day. The three remaining Goths go to talk to a worker there Worker: Alright now, you say that you witnessed your friend being abused by her parents. Michael: Yes. They called her an emo. Worker: What's wrong with that? Michael: Emos suck! Their vile, self-pitying, depressed assholes! Worker: So, why do you think they called her that? Michael: Because she's Goth, and some ignorant people don't know the difference! Worker: What is the difference? Pete: Oh my God! They're totally different! Worker: Okay, different how? Pete: They're, achm, you know, one is good and an' emos are horrible! [flips hair] You're, you know... They're posers! Firkle: Emos suck my Goth balls. Michael: Alright alright, think of it this way: a goth believes that deep down the world is totally fucked up. But an emo thinks that deep down, they are totally fucked up. Worker: That's not much of a difference. Pete: That's a huge fucking difference! Michael: Okay okay, look, emos are more prone to suicide. Pete: This fuckin' bitch, man. Michael: But goths are more prone to be depressed that so many people commit suicide Pete: Goth's darkness is nihilistic whereas Emo's is cynical. Michael: Wait, I thought we were cynical. ...What what whatever, it doesn't matter. Pete: No, see, you're nihilistic. Michael: Oh yeah, you're right. Scene Description: Troubled Acres Rehab for at-risk teens (with emotional problems... who need structure), day. It's a secluded camp with a large greenhouse in the middle. In a white room is Henrietta, with only a bed and blankets to keep her company. There's an emergency light above the door and a security camera in one upper corner of the room. She kicks and bangs on the door Henrietta: Hel-lo?! Somebody let me out of here! You can't treat people like this! [notices the camera and looks at it.] This is fucking ridiculous! What's wrong with you?! I'm gonna go to the fucking cops when I get out of here! [the floor opens up behind her. She turns around to see what's going on, and a plant rises into the room. She looks at the plant, puzzled. It begins to shake like a rattle, then stops] Scene Description: A South Park Transit bus stop, day. The three goths await Henrietta's return. Firkle holds a sign that reads "WELCOME BACK BITCH" Pete: What if she comes back, and she's all preppy and conformist? Michael: She's only been there two weeks. They can't have changed her that much. Can they have? [the bus arrives and they all turn to look at its stop. The rear doors open and they look in. Henrietta appears and they gasp.] Firkle: Oh. My. God. [Henrietta steps off, and boy has she changed!] Henrietta: Hey guys. [she now wears a green headband, pink highlights in her hair, and additional pink makeup around her eyes. The left eye is made to look as though it's been crying. Her gloves are pink and black and instead of her cross necklace, she wears a necklace where the pendant is shaped like a bat] Pete: What the hell have they done to you? Henrietta: What do you mean? They couldn't do anything. They can't fix me. They don't even understand me. [walks away. The other three move a bit to get a better look at her leaving] Michael: Oh my God it's worse than we thought! They made her emo! Scene Description: The school gym, day. The kids are tossing basketballs at each other. Kenny tries to climb a rope while a girl looks on. The coach blows his whistle and moves off-screen. As he does so, the Goths are revealed on the bleachers Michael: [concerned] Has she said one word to either one of you guys? Pete: Nothing. It's like she's a totally different person. [flip] Michael: She won't even look at us. All she does now is hang out with the douchebag emo kids. [the camera pans right, across the aisle, and shows Henrietta with her new friends, the Emos] Emo boy: God, PE class is for such wannabe posers. Emo girl: I'd rather kill myself than put on gym shorts. Henrietta: I wish there would just be an earthquake, so we could all die. Pete: Uugh, how could she hang out with them?? Michael: There must something else going on here. Scene Description: Henrietta's room. She's listening to music on her iPod dock while drawing a picture titled "I Am Alone." Someone knocks on her door. Henrietta: Not now Mom! I'm suicidal! Michael: [enters] It's not your mom, it's me. Henrietta: Oh, hey. [lowers the volume.] Michael: What did they do you? At that camp? Henrietta: What do you mean? Just the usual group therapy crap. Michael: Don't take this the wrong way, but I think that place turned you into an emo. Henrietta: That's ridiculous. I'm not anything. I don't fit in anywhere. I'm not emo, okay? Michael: Then why are you listening to Sunny Day Real Estate? [she sits up and then turns off the iPod] I was thinking, maybe they just made you confused at that place. Maybe they didn't know what they were doing. But then I started thinking, maybe that place... turned you emo on purpose. Like maybe they knew what they were doing. Henrietta: [getting cross, then turns her chair around slowly] You should probably stop digging for answers. Michael: What?! Henrietta: There's no winning this for you. [gets off her chair and walks towards him] Soon the entire world will be emo. It is our time. Michael: Nooo waaaaay. Henrietta: Nobody understands us. And they won't understand until it is faaar tooo late. Michael: Omigodnowaaaaaaaaay. Henrietta: Do not fight it, Michael. Is being emo really all that different from being goth? [sataniccally] Join us! Michael: [runs out of the house] No waaay! [runs out of the house and across the street and throws his cane away to the ground] No way no waaaaaay! Scene Description: A tiny diner, night. Pete is reading a book titled "The Sinking Girl" on an armchair A ring tone: Death and despair! Death and despair! Death and despair! Death and desp- Pete: [answers it] Hello? Michael: It's worse than we thought. Pete: What is? Everything? [flips hair] Michael: No! I mean Henrietta. I confronted her and she was all like "I am emo! And emos are going to rule the world" and I was like "No waaay!" and she was like "Yeah, soon it will be too late." and I was all "No waaay!" Pete: No way. Michael: Yeah, so listen: call up Firkle and meet me at Village Inn. I gotta run home, but I'll be there in ten minutes. [rushes home and closes the front door, then runs up the stairs.] Scene Description: Michael's house, night. He runs upstairs... Mom: Michael! Michael! [Michael leans over the rail] Michael: Can't now, Mom! I've got an emergency! Dad: In the dining room Michael! Let's go! [Michael goes down reluctantly and enters the dining room] Have a seat, son. [Michael takes a seat opposite his dad.] Your mom and I have decided you're going to go away for a little while. Michael: What?? Dad: [holds up the same brochure Mrs. Biggle held up two weeks earlier] We've been put in touch with this camp for troubled kids like you and- Michael: What the hell are you talking about?! Mom: This place gonna fix you, make you normal child! [moments later his dad takes him outside and toward the truck] Michael: No! You've gotta listen to me! You don't know what you're doing!! [Dad throws him into the car] You fucking conformists! [the truck starts up and backs out of the driveway. Michael looks across the street and sees Henrietta with her emo friends, two of whom are new. He gasps. As the truck pulls away he screams through the closed window] They're eviillll! Scene Description: The Village Inn, night. Pete and Firkle are in a booth drinking coffee and smoking. Pete: I never thought it would end like this. I never thought that Goths would just be slowly replaced by Emos. Firkle: Pete... if they get me... if I get sent to that camp... and I come back Emo... kill me. Promise that you'll kill me. Pete: [flips hair] I promise. Waitress: Hey, you kids need to order somethin' or you need to go! [pours some coffee into Firkle's mug.] Pete: Not now, lady, we're really depressed. Waitress: So what else is new? Pete: This is different, okay?! Our two friends are being bodysnatched by Emos! [flips hair] There's only one other group who understands Emos like we do. We're gonna have to team up with the Vampires. Firkle: Are you crazy? Pete: [leaves the booth] What choice do we have?! Firkle: The Vampires are our sworn enemy. We beat up their leader and burned down their lair. Don't you remember? Pete: Yeah I remember. And it may be a suicide mission, but we have to walk right in the middle of the Vampires, and ask them for help. Scene Description: Conference room B, the noon hour. Vamp kids file in and take seats. The hour is set aside for Vamp kids and Twilight fans Vampire: Okay, let's all be seated please? [the kids quiet down] This is thee noon meeting of the Vamp kids? I am Mike, your lord and dark master, per se. Vamps: Hail Mike. Mike: Okay, uhhh, our main order of business is of course the Halloween social. We're still looking for volunteers to make the- [a round of snarls goes up as Pete and Firkle enter the meeting] Mohawk vamp: It's the Goth kids! [moves aside. The other Vamps turn to look at the Goths and take to hissing and snarling at them. A boy vamp steps forward and spits at Pete as Pete and Firkle head for the podium] Pete: Ugh. You spit on me, Larry. [Mike steps down so Pete can address the Vamps] Uhh, hey everybody, uuhm, I know we aren't on the greatest terms right now. We realize we called you all queermos, aaand we're sorry we burned down the Hot Topic at the mall. Firkle: Sorry. Pete: But, uhhh, we have a bigger problem here, and it's ALL of our problem. Mike: You've got a lot of nerve coming here! Pete: Now, shut up Mike. Listen, okay? There's a camp that kids like us are being sent to, a-and somehow this place is taking kids like us and... turning them Emo. [the Vamps start talking amongst themselves] Yeah. You might not even be able to tell at first. It could have already happened. One of you might already be turned. Black vamp: Okay hold up! Hold up! You mean that one of us might not really be a Vamp kid? [no one says a thing] Pete: Uhhhhh, right. Black vamp: [steps into the aisle and moves forward] Well whoever you is, you better get yo' ass ready to run, muthafucka, 'cause you're a damn traitor! And I bet you it's this little n*gga right here![stops by a Vamp in a skeleton sweater named "Vladimir"] Scene Description: Henrietta's house, night. She's in her bedroom with a lot of new Emo friends. Henrietta: Are you guys getting into that Fall Out Boy concert? Emo girl: I can't. I'm too depressed. I keep cutting myself. Henrietta: Yeah. I'm cutting myself to hurt this worthless body that I'm in. [a knock is heard at her door] Mrs. Biggle: [sing-song] Henrietta, I baked cookies for your new little Emo friends. Henrietta: Not now, Mom! Can't you see I'm hurting?! [gets sarcastic] I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment! Sorry I'm not the pretty cheerleader ya always wanted! [her mom takes the cookies back and closes the door. She goes to the living room] Mr. Biggle: Does she still seem better? Mrs. Biggle: Oh, much better! She didn't call me a bitch, and she actually apologized to me. Mr. Biggle: Well that's more like it. Emo boy 1: You know what we should do? After us Emos take over the Earth? We should um, paint the White House black. And we should have Fall Out Boy at the Super Bowl. [Mike rises from under the window sill. The Emos don't notice] Emo boy 2: We're Emos. [the cowlick Vamp which was called "Larry" by Pete rises next to Mike] When we rule the Earth we're not gonna have football. Emo boy 1: Oh yeah. [outside, three other Vamps hold up the two boys peering inside the window. Pete and Firkle sit on the roof nearby. The Vamps have seen enough and withdraw from the window] Mike: And you say she just showed up like this? Pete: You know Henrietta; that thing in there is not Henrietta! Cowlick vamp: That blonde Emo is Sarah Collins. She was a Vamp kid two weeks ago. Black vamp: You want me to go in there and waste these mothafuckas?! I'll do it! Pete: We can't just go in there and kick their asses. We have to stop this thing at its source. Mike: Indeed. If there is some kind of black magic at work creating these monsters, then we will have to use our most powerful Vampiric abilities to stop it. Cowlick vamp: Do you mean? Mike: Yes, my child of darkness. We must call upon the powers of the Vamp kids' most sacred entity, per se. Only he can help us in this darkest time. This calls... for a summoning. Scene Description: The South Park Elementary Library, night. The Goths and Vamps are gathered at a table there, complete with candles Mike: We call upon the creator of all that is dark! The godfather of Death and Despair! Edgar Allan Poe, your followers in darkness beg for your help! [everyone looks around, but nothing happens] We summon to the world of the living the great Edgar Allan Poe! Knower of all that is misery! Your children need special guidance! Per se. Pete: This, is your plan?! Try to summon Edgar Allan Poe back from the dead?! Mike: Edgar Allan Poe was the original Vamp kid. Pete: No, he was the original Goth, but he'd been dead for 150 years! Black vamp: Ey, look man! All genres of Gothic subcultures are derivatives of Poe's work. Muthafucka! Pete: Look, we came to you for help, and all you've done since then is waste our time! [a violent thunderclap and lightning immediately follow, and a vortex opens up on the ceiling] Cowlick vamp: Holy shit look! [Edgar Allan Poe appears and the vortex vanishes] Poe: Where am I? What is this place? Firkle: It's him! It's Edgar Allan Poe. Poe: Why have the living summoned me from my rest? [Mike taps Pete to signal that it's his turn to speak] Pete: Uhhhhh, okayokay, listen: there's this camp for troubled kids, right? Only they aren't helping kids, they're, they're purposefully turning them into Emos. Poe: Emos? ...Ew-oh my God, Emos are such wannabe conformists. Mike: Yeah, oh yes! Pete: Right! Poe: Children of Darkness, I would help you, but I fear I cannot be seen with a bunch of douchey Vamp kids and their poser-ass plastic fangs. Pete: Thank you! Mike: Hey! Pete: I'm just saying it's nice to know that Edgar Allan Poe agrees with us. Poe: Agrees with who? Is that red dye in your hair or did a blood demon take a shit on your head, poser? Black vamp: Ah ah! He got you there, n*gga! Pete: Okay, look, we're running out of time. You have to help us stop the Emos. Poe: Why should I? Just 'cause you summoned me doesn't mean you're the boss of me! Pete: Uh, yeah, it kind of does. Poe: [floats away, mocking] Oh okay, Mom. Let's go fight the Emos, Mom. Scene Description: Back at Troubled Acres, night. The greenhouse is lit. Inside, Michael is in a chair asleep, tied down to it by thick ropes. Michael: What? Where are you ta- No! NO!! [jerks around and wakes up, assessing his situation] What the hell?? ...Oh my God. [he realizes where he is and tries to shake himself loose from the ropes] Get me out of here! Let me go! Howard: Shhhhh. [Michael sees him] It's best you don't upset them. [goes to water another plant] Michael: What the hell are you doing to people?! Howard: Not me. I just work for them. They're not evil, you know? They're just misunderstood. All I do is help the Emos get into their human hosts. They promised me when they take over Earth I can have a cabin on the lake, and all the steak I can eat. Michael: Wait a minute. Emos are plants? [the plants begin to rattle in their pots.] Howard: Shhh, shhh, it's okay. Not just any plants. They're very unique. Very special. Nobody understands them. Emoclarus americanus. Wonderful species.[] Except for their tendencies of self-mutilation and the need for other species to acknowledge their pain. Michael: Oh, it all makes sense now! [A giant emoclarus rattles into view] Howard: Oh! I'm sorry. Sorry, Emo King. [holds a conversation with it] Oh no, I wasn't talking to him. I mean, I was, but- Y-yes! Yes, I understand. [walks back to a smaller plant] Right away.[takes the potted plant and walks over to Michael] Michael: No. [Howard sets the plant down next to him] What are you doing?! I don't wanna be emo! Howard: [walks away, then turns around] You just don't understand. You'll understand them soon. Michael: What the...? [the plant begins to rattle] Howard: It's quicker if you don't fight it. Michael: No, NOOOOOOOOO! [begins to rattle with the plant] Scene Description: The road, night. The Vamps and Goths are heading to Troubled Acres. Pete is driving Pete: Alright, listen up. Once we find our friend, we've gotta torch the place and get out. Firkle: [coughs] Dude, Edgar, can you not smoke in the car? Poe: You can't tell me what to do! Who elected you the mayor of me?! Pete: Cut it out, Edgar! It's annoying everybody! Poe: God, you guys are so lame! [tosses his cigarette out the window] And if you want my help, you'd better all stop calling me Edgar. Black vamp: Well that's your name, isn't it? Poe: That's the name my stupid parents gave me! I like to be called by my Goth name: NightPain Black vamp, Mike, and Pete: Oh God... Poe: What? You guys are posers! Black vamp: Ey, just so you all know, if one of you ain't who you say they is, and we get inside that base and you reveal you're actually one of them Emo muthafuckas in disguise, I WILL go crazy on yo' ass! Poe: If one of us is a traitor, it's probably your wannabe vampire leader. Mike: Oh, fuck off, NightPain. Poe: Make me, poser. Scene Description: Troubled Acres, night, at the greenhouse. A security camera follows the car as it enters the rehab center. Everyone exits the car. Another camera shows Michael rattling with the emo plant. A third camera catches the group going down one hallway. Pete: Michael?! You here? Mike: I feel like we're being watched. [yes they are, by the Security Cam 3000. A fourth camera shows Henrietta's former room. Zooming out reveals an emoclarus looking over a desk with video cameras all around. The king emoclarus looks on. It leans over and seems to whisper to the security emoclarus. In the greenhouse, the group reaches Michael, who has become delirious and is now groaning] Pete: Dude! Michael, are you okay? Michael: Kick it over! Stop the plant! [Mike walks over and kicks the plant away, then gets into a karate stance. Firkle disappears] Oh! Oh, thank God you're here. Emos are plants and they're invading human bodies. Pete: Alright, we're gonna get you out of here, and then we're gonna burn this whole place down. [a gun is cocked and everyone looks at the source] Firkle: I'm sorry, but I'm afraid that's not the plan. Howard: [appears behind him and approaches the group] You did very good. The emo plants are very pleased with your dedication. Michael: Firkle! All this time I thought you were Goth! How long have you been Emo? [Firkle takes off his jacket and ... wig.] Firkle: Don't you see we can't stop them? We might as well join' em. [The Emo King shows up and starts rattling. Howard turns around and walks toward it] Howard: Yes Emo King, right away. [turns around again] The Emo King wants us to proceed at once. [moments later the black Vamp, Mike, and Pete are tied to chairs and plants are placed in front of them] Pete: Ugh! Let us go, you ultimate conformists! Howard: Don't fight it. It's quicker that way. [the plants begin to rattle] Mike: Oh God! I'm starting to feel Emo. Pete: Wait a minute. Where the hell is Edgar Allan Poe? Mike: He said he was over this, and was gonna hang out at the Village Inn. Pete: What?! Scene Description: The Village Inn, night. The Ghost of Goth Past sits in the same booth the Goth kids sit in, sipping coffee and smoking Waitress: [approaches] Hey, are you gonna order any food, or are you just gonna sit there and drink coffee all day? Poe: Leave me alone! I just want coffeh. Waitress: [turns around and leaves] Little prick. Poe: Bitch. Pete: [voice only] Poe? Edgar Allan Poe, where are you? [his face appears in Poe's coffee] What the hell are you doing?! You're supposed to be helping us! Poe: I can't right now. I'm dealing with a lot and I just have a lot of anxiety. Pete: Look, we [flips hair] summoned you to help us save the world! Poe: What's the point? Save some people so some other people can be lame? And then those lame-os can be lamer to some other posers? Pete: God, he is such a downer! [the plants rattle again] Howard: Just let the spores inside you. Stop fighting it. Mike: Wait. Look! Poe: [floating in] Okay, I'm here, posers. Pete: NightPain! Destroy the plant leader! The leader over there! [Poe descends and lands next to the Emo King] Poe: What do you want me to do? Mike, Michael, and Pete: Shoot it! Poe: Really? Shoot a plant? Michael: Shoot it! [Poe obliges, but nothing happens to the plant. A piece of its pot might have come off. Poe just shrugs.] Poe: Wait a minute. What is this? [walks over and pulls out the plant's tag] This says it was bought at Lowe's Home and Garden for $29.95. [it's a common ficus] Howard: Lowe's Home and Garden? Pete: Hey, these are just plants. Howard: No they, they talk to me. Poe: No, they're just, like, ficus plants and vibrating pots. Howard: But- Voice: Looks like it's over, Harold Flannigan. So we have just one question for you: are you scared?! Howard: [frozen in fear] What do you mean? Voice: ARE YOU SCARED?! Howard: YES!!! [Pete flips his hair] Voice: That's good! 'Cause you're on... "Yes, I Was Scared!" [music plays and the lights come on] Pete: What?? [the cast and crew of that show come out of the plant work.] Host: Look! Look at the camera right there Howard: Oh my God, are you serious? [grins.] Host: Your wife Sarah put you up to this. Sarah: [pops in next to Harold] Haha I got you! [giggles some more] Firkle: This is a prank? Black vamp: Oh man that's good! They got us good! Firkle: I turned traitor for no reason? Pete: [to Michael] Did you know about this? Michael: I have no idea what's going on. Host: Howard, did you suspect at all that a gardener job at a camp for troubled teens was a setup? Howard: No, they really had me convinced! Host: And you didn't suspect anything when we had plants tell you to turn Goths and Vamp kids into Emos when really they're exactly the same thing? Howard: I guess I should have figured it out. I'm an idiot. [laughs about it] Host: Tune in again next week, when we make a woman from Milwaukee think she's working at a haunted abortion clinic. Scene Description: Henrietta's room, night. Henrietta's working on a new picture, featuring a gallows noose. A knock is heard at her door, and Pete walks in with Michael Henrietta: So, my friends. Have you made the transformation? Pete: Uhhhh, Henrietta, we have some bad news. The plants you think took over your body and made you emo? They're just plants. [she stops drawing] From Lowe's Home and Garden. Michael: It was all a prank by some douchey network reality show. Henrietta: Nnnnoooo, there's an organic spore in my head that made me switch cliques so easily. Michael: No, you just kind of did it on your own. Henrietta: Oh my Gawd... [closes her eyes, drops her pen on the table, and pinches her nose at the bridge] This is so... embarrassing. Pete: Ahh, hang on. What I meant to say was [flips his hair] we just infiltrated the Emo lair and... we torched the plant leader. Henrietta: Oh. [sudden relief] Oh! [she begins convulsing, then turns around in her chair] Ihihit's meee-e! I'm, I'm I'm me again! [gets off her chair and walks to the boys] Oh my God I'm... all better. Thanks, you guys. Mrs. Biggle: [peeks into the room] Henrietta, I have dinner ready. Henrietta: Shut up, Mom! Leave me alone, you conformist bag of demon jizz! Mrs. Biggle: ...Fatty. [closes the door.]

Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, Mr. Garrison's classroom. Mr. Mackey is present, showing the class a new computer system he's had installed at school Mr. Mackey: Students, I would like to introduce you all to the future. [holds a laptop with an IntelliLink logo on it] M'kay. Starting today, our school will be operating entirely on IntelliLink. [presses a key that brings up the splash screen] Now whenever you need to see the school nurse, or talk to me, your counselor, you can simply sign up using this simple, integrated portal. [presses the space bar] M'kay... [presses it again. Presses is twice more, and the main menu pops up] You can use a computer or any of the IntelliLink panels which are located throughout the school. [one such panel is shown next to the window] Lat's say you're in the cafeteria, m'kay. You start cougin' up blood and need to see the nurse. You just click on "school clinic"[presses a button, and the school clinic menu pops up.] Mkay, see nurse. [selects it and a box appears on the right side with fields for teachers, student, note, and some checkboxes.]M'kay. Respiration problems. [presses a button, and "All Night Long" plays] Uh, okay, I must have I must have been in the wrong menu, uhkay. As you can see, you can control the sound system as well. Okay. [presses a key, and the song is cut off] It's all integrated and smartlinked, and this is a great idea, m'kay. Let's look at the message board. [press, and gets to the main menu] Mesage... board. [moves the cursor to the message board icon and loads the board] Here you can easily write messages to each other or to the faculty, m'kay? For instance, [sees the first thread title that loads] here we go. Here's a message from Kyle's little brother, Ike Broflovski. [loads the message] Okay, little Ike says "My brother is a homo"[Cartman cackles and Kyle is startled] Ike made a little drawing of his brother too. [loads the drawing] Drew a nice picture with a... nice bird hangin' off Kyle's forehead, m'kay, that's nice. [Cartman cackles again, and Kyle looks annoyed] It's a nice... crane, a nice whoopin' crane comin' off Kyle's head there. Cartman: That's not a crane, it's a dick and balls. Butters: Heheh, yeah. [chuckles to himself. Kyle is now annoyed and embarrassed] Scene Description: The Broflovski house, day, kitchen. Sheila is washing dishes when Kyle appears and enters Kyle: Mom, Ike did it again. I don't know what's going on with him, but, it's like he hates me. Sheila: Oh, Kyle, your little brother is, getting older. He's not a baby anymore. Kyle: I know, but he posted a message of me with a schlong on my head. Sheila: It's natural, bubbe. Part of getting older is finding ways to assert your independence. You know. Why don't you go and try to talk to him - you can win him over again. [Kyle thinks it over and walks out] Scene Description: Ike's room, moments later. Kyle opens the door and enters Kyle: Hey Ike, how's it going? Ike: [looks over his left shoulder] Get out of my room, Kyle! I'm on my computer! [turns back to his computer] Kyle: I just wanted to see if maybe you want to do fingerpaints with me. Ike: Do I look like I wanna do fuckin' fingerpaints?! [looks over his shoulder again] Look at the fuckin' zits on my face! Kyle: Ike, I just want us to be friends again. Ike: Then stop harassing me, bro! You don't know what it's like to be a baby goin' through puberty! I don't know whether to watch Yo Gabba Gabba or go out and tame some strange! Kyle: Yeah, let's watch Yo Gabba Gabba, like old times. Scene Description: Living room, moments later. Kyle and Ike sit on the sofa watching Yo Gabba Gabba. The troupe performs "Come On And Dance." Toodee steps forward to dance a bit Ike: Dancy Dance is my favorite. Kyle: It always has been. See? This is nice. [Foofa steps forward] Ike: Who would you rather fuck? [Kyle is stunned] Foofa or Toodee? Kyle: What? Ike: I wanna fuck Foofa. [a closeup of Foofa dancing] I wouldn't wanna fuck Toodee. She's a dike. You can tell. But Foofa, man. [whips out a can of chewing tobacco, opens it, and scoops some tobacco out] I bet she's got some sweet strange. [puts the tobacco in his mouth] I don't even know what the fuck Muno is. Kyle: Ike, is that chewing tobacco? Ike: What?! You gonna fuckin' narc and tell Mom?! Kyle: No, I just don't think it's healthy. Ike: That's 'cause you don't understand shit! [stands on the sofa] I knew this was a bad idea! [leaves the sofa and walks away] I'm gonna watch Yo Gabba Gabba in my roomsy! Scene Description: Mr. Mackey's office, a few days later. Someone knocks on his door. Mr. Mackey: Come in, m'kay. Kyle: [opens the door and peeks in] Mr. Mackey, can I talk to you? Mr. Mackey: Oh-kay, have you set up a counseling appointment on IntelliLink? Kyle: [goes all the way in] No. Mr. Mackey: Ookay, that's fine, that's fine. We can use IntelliLink to see what's available. Let's see, counseling request. Students. Make appointment. [presses a key and his window blind goes down, and Kyle notices] Okay, ah whoops. Okay, uh sume, uh students make appoint-alala here we go. Make, make appointment. [presses a key and the lights go out. He looks around] Uhkay, here we go. Uhkay, what do you need counseling with? Kyle: It's my little brother. He's really changing and I feel like- Mr. Mackey: Okay, I'll click on family issues. What time did you want counseling? Kyle: Right now. Mr. Mackey: Oo-kay, aaand, what is your brother's Intelligrated smart name? Kyle: I don't know. Mr. Mackey: Alright, I can do a lookup for the name. Uh go back. Main menu. ["The Heat Is On" begins to play, and Mr. Mackey has lost control] Oh... Damnit. Okay now, back. [mumbles to himself as he tries to set things right] Set- no, set appointment. Okay, speakers off. [his blind rises] Okay, uh... Okay, what is your smart name, Kyle? Kyle: What? Mr. Mackey: Sorry, Kyle, we're gonna need to maybe go somewhere else. Uh... find an IntelliLink panel somewhere. Scene Description: The boys' restroom. Mr. Mackey is on the toilet with an IntelliLink panel to his left, on the wall Mr. Mackey: Okay, let's see, lights. [presses the light icon and some other icons pop up] Mood. [presses the mood icon and a timer pops up] Start counseling timer. [sets it for 15 minutes and starts it] Okay there we go. Okay, we got it. [smiles] Okay now, Kyle, you had some concerns about your little brother? Kyle: [takes a moment to gather them] He's just... changing a lot. He walks around angry, telling me I'm stupid and, and all he talks about is sex. Mr. Mackey: Well it sounds like he's hittin' puberty. Kyle: Yeah, he just seems so young. Mr. Mackey: Well, your brother is Canadian. Perhaps Canadian puberty is a little different. Why don't you educate yourself about Canadian puberty and it could be somethin' yeeyou and your brother can actually do together. M'kay? [plop] You know, this is the first time I've been able to do counseling aaand go to the bathroom at the same time. IntelliLink is amazing. Scene Description: A live program. The Canadian Board of Health Presents, "What Are These Changes?" A Guide To Puberty In Canada Minister: Hello young people, and welcome to the most fascinating time of your life. You have braved the trials of childhood, and now you are reaching Canadian puberty. By now, you've probably noticed some changes in your body. For instance, when you fart your dick gets hard. [a long pause] Other physical changes are happening to your body as well. If you're a boy you may notice that your testicles ache, or if you're a girl, you may notice a tingling sensation in your strange. Ike: This is stupid, bro! I already know all this! Kyle: Let's just give it a chance, Ike. Minister: Going through Canadian puberty, you may notice that your voice is starting to change as well. You're saying things like "hey boddy" and "hey guy" because now that you're older you're discovering that someone who was once your buddy is now your guy, and someone who you used to call "guy" is quickly becoming your friend. [A shot of Kyle and Ike looking at each other] But now let's discuss how a man and a woman make love. [an animated stick-figure cartoon follows] First, a man and a woman fall in love. Then the man farts on the woman's strange, [That is shown, with audio] filling the woman's strange with air so that the woman can queef on the man's face. [shown, with audio] And, a baby is born. [pop] The entire process can take up to six months a- [turns to his right to listen...] It's what? ... That's not how a baby is born? ... What's semen? ... Well then, why did my wife queef on my face? ... She said it was to- ... [gets mad] Well then why would sh-?! ... I'm gonna get to the bottom of this! [pounds on the desk and leaves] Scene Description: The street, near his residence, day. The host marches home Minister: Make me look like an idiot, will you?! Scene Description: At home. The double doors open and the host comes in. His wife is sitting on the sofa sipping tea Minister: Ey! You told me you queefed on my face because because that's how babies are born! Wife: I was being sarcastic. Minister: Being sarcastic?! I just told a million Canadian teenages that's how it's done! Wife: I was angry because you never listen to me. Because I wanted you to go with me to therapy and you never go. Minister: Fine! You want me to go with you to therapy?! Fine! Scene Description: The host goes to a therapy session with his wife. Minister: Totally embarrassing and degrading! She queefed right in my face! Therapist: Well, maybe you should spend less time at work making public health films and more time at home. Kyle: What the fuck is going on?! Ike: [hops off the sofa...] You're fucking stupid, Kyle! [...and walks away] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, Room 7. The class is in the dark listening to "All Night Long" again. Mr. Garrison his his fingers in his ears to block out the song Kyle: I don't know what else to do, dude. No matter what I try, me and Ike just seem to drift further apart! Stan: He doesn't ever want to play with you anymore? Kyle: He doesn't even let me near him! Cartman: That sucks, dude. Kyle: What?? Cartman: I said THAT SUCKS, DUDE. Kyle: Oh, thanks! [Mr. Mackey is at the IntelliLink panel trying to set things right. The music stops and he stands up] Mr. Mackey: Okay, there we go. That's cut the speakers off. Now what was it you were trying to do, Kyle? Kyle: I was trying to make an appointment to see the principal about getting excused on Friday. So I can take my brother to go see Yo Gabba Gabba Live. Mr. Garrison: Mr. Mackey, can he just go talk to the principal? Mr. Mackey: No, this is gonna work! I called IntelliLink and they said they were sending over an engineer. [someone knocks on the door.] Cody: [looks in] Is this Classroom 7? Mr. Mackey: Yes! Cody: My name's Cody. I'm your smartnician. You're havin' some intelliproblems with your astutelinks? Mr. Mackey: Yeah, a student is trying to make an appointment to see the principal. M'kay? Cody: [taps the screen a few times] Uh huh, well here's the problem: your amsrtnames aren't intelligrated. [shows him the error screen] Mr. Mackey: Oh I see. Cody: If you wanna have those intelligrated with EasyLink, you might wanna upgrade your system to the silver package. Mr. Mackey: Uh, I I needed the silver package? Okay okay? Can we do that? Cody: Let my call my supervisor on the intelliphone. [calls in] Scene Description: Ike's room, day. He's playing with his toy trucks - a fire engine and a dump truck. He crashes them into each other. Kyle knocks on the door and then enters Kyle: Hey Ike. Ike: Get out of my room, Kyle! I'm playing trucks! Kyle: Ike, I'm sorry, but I couldn't get us out of school Friday. I can't take you to Yo Gabba Gabba Live. Ike: You promised! Kyle: I couldn't get in to see the principal, Ike. Ike: Well what am I supposed to do?! See it myself?! I'm a little baby! Who's gonna hold my fuckin' hand?! You don't give a shit about how I feel! Kyle: Ike, I do! I just- Ike: You just love pushing me around! Is that what you wanna do, Kyle?! Kick the baby?! Well alrighty bro! Come on, Kyle! Kick the baby! [Kyle just looks at him, Ike takes off his shirt] Come on bro! Kick the fuckin' baby! Let's see you try it, wuss! Scene Description: The Pepsi Center in Denver, day. Yo Gabba Gabba Live is starting. Next, a live performance of "Don't Bite People" Plex: Hey Muno, what should we do now? Muno: Let's play Cool Cool Trick. Plex: Aaaall right! Who out in the audience has a cool cool trick to show us? [a line of kids is already in place. A boy steps forward] What's your name, little boy? Ryan: My name is Ryan! Plex: And what is your cool cool trick, Ryan? Ryan: My cool cool trick is that I can jump in the air. [the kids in the audience cheer. Kyle notices that Ike has left his seat] Let's see you... jump in the air! [Ryan jumps, and the troupe cheers him on. Ike cuts in line and steps forward] Plex: And what's your name, little boy? Ike: Ike Broflovski. Plex: Do you have a cool trick? Ike: Yeah, for my cool cool trick I'm gonna tame Foofa's strange. Plex: Tame mo what? Ike: I can tame Foofa's strange, bro. Plex: Uhhh, alright. Let's see our friend Ike tame Foofa's strange! [Ike walks up to Foofa] Kyle: [running towards the stage] Ike no! Stop! Plex: Oh, I see. You're actually- [shakes his head] Wait! Oh my God, what are you doing?! No no no! [parents in the audience quickly cover their kids' eyes] What are you doing to Foofa?! No! Scene Description: The green room, after the show. Kyle and Ike sit on a sofa flanked by two officers Plex: Now you listen here, little boy! It is never okay to take off your clothes and grind on another person! Toodee: No, that's wrong! Plex: Don't do it. Brobee: Uh uh. Kyle: We're so sorry. Please forgive my little brother. He's going through puberty. Muno: A little young for that, isn't he? Kyle: That's what I thought. Ike: This is stupid, bro. [takes out some chewing tobacco] Foofa shouldn't be limiting herself to little kids. She's fuckin' fine, dude. [puts it in his mouth] Plex: What you did was very traumatic for Foofa. Isn't that right, Foofa? [Foofa is frowning, but stays silent] Foofa? Foofa: He's right, Plex. We're getting older. I don't wanna do the little kid thing the rest of my life. Brobee: Foofa, what are you talking about? Foofa: It's time for us to start playing to older people. Maybe we need to be edgier. Have a little sex appeal. Toodee: Foofa, no! Foofa: I'm an artist. And if all I ever do is play to kids, then I'll be a joke. [turns around and walks towards the door] I have to move on. [walks out of the room] Plex: Oh God. What has this little boy done?? Scene Description: A Canadian pub. The minister of health is sitting with an older man at table Minister: I try not to think about it, Rick. I try to just forget aboot it and then move on, but I can't. I mean... she queefed right in my face! Rick: Have you and your wife seen a therapist together? Minister: Yes, we went but... I just can't erase the memory of my helpless face being queefed on like that. Who's to say she won't do it again? Rick: Don't you think this has something to do with your new job? Minister: What do you mean? Rick: There's more to this, Terry. A lady never queefs in her lord's face without some major cause. You started as the Canadian Minister of Health and three months later your wife queefed in your face. There's a connection. Terry: I took the job to try and make Canada's health care system better. What could that have to do with my wife? Rick: Terry, I'm your friend. And I'm not just your friend, I'm also your boddy Terry: Thanks, guy. Rick: [points a finger at him] And I'm telling you there's more to this than you think! [crosses his arms] And if you want to save your marriage, and your face, you need to figure it out quick. Scene Description: South Park Elementary Faculty Lounge, day. Principal Victoria has called a staff meeting, with Mr. Mackey as the man in the hot seat Principal Victoria: Mr. Mackey, so far the school has spent [reads the bill] $22,000 on the IntelliLink system, and so far it's been an unmitigated disaster. Mr. Mackey: Well yeah, but see, the problem is not everyone is not everyone is signed on to it yet. Mr. Adler: They can't sign on to it because every time they try they make the sprinklers go off! Mr. Mackey: I know that IntelliLink has had some... hiccups... uhkay. But I've hired a new faculty member whose sole responsibility will be to oversee the IntelliLink system and make sure it runs smoothly. I want you all to meet Pat Conners. [she enters and takes a seat next to Mr. Mackey] Pat: Hello everyone. Mr. Mackey: [immediately points a finger at her] Don't "Hello" us, Pat! This system that you're responsible for now isn't working out! So [pounds his fist on the table] what the hell are you gonna do about it?! Pat: Oh. Well, I'm just sort of getting acclimated to the situation and I- Mr. Mackey: Getting acclimated?! [stands up in anger] Do you know how much money we wated on that thing?! How about you take some damned responsibility! Get the hell out of here, Pat! You're fired! Get out! [Pat takes her briefcase and walks out] Well. How the hell are we gonna clean up Pat's mess? I guess, I dunno, I guess we got no choice, m'kay. We're just gonna need to the upgrade to the IntelliLink Gold Package. [opens his laptop to show the splash screen] Principal Victoria: Oh noo! Mr. Mackey: No, see, it's a $10,000 upgrade, but it should clean up all of Pat's mistakes. Coach: Mr. Mackey, let's be clear. IntelliLink was your idea. You should admit it was a bad one and stop being so defensive. Mr. Mackey: Well ih it's good to be a little defensive around you, Miles, m'kay. Let's, let's not forget that your wife died of an "accident" while you were "drinking" on a "hike," "N'kay!" Miles: Hey now listen here-! Mr. Mackey: No! Now you listen to me! [pounds his fist on the table] IntelliLink is a great idea, and we just need the Goddamned Gold Package! We are doublin' down! Scene Description: E! News segment Anchor: [voice only] You're watching E! Entertainment News. God knows why. [video added] She's all grown up and she wants you to know it. From kids show star to sex symbol, Yo Gabba Gabba's Foofa is ready to rock! [a montage of Foofa magazine covers and poses] She's been seen out partying, photographed smoking pot, and now, Foofa has announced a raunchy performance on the MTV Video Music Awards. Foofa's new manager claims the MTV performance will be one for the record books. Ike: [At a bar via satellite, drinking, smoking AND chewing tobacco.] Foofa's got that nice shaved strange that you just wanna get in and tame the second you see it. Anchor: The video awards are at 8 pm tomorrow. Scene Description: The Broflovski living room, evening. Ike and Foofa are watching E! from the sofa. Foofa: Oh this is so exciting! Ike: Told you it'd go over well. Kyle: [walks in from the kitchen and stares at both of them, then firmly says] Excuse me, but Ike has homework he's supposed to be doing. Ike: Shut up, Kyle! Just ignore my little brother. Kyle: I'm your big brother, Ike! [the doorbell rings] Ike: Answer the door, twerp! [Kyle is angry, but there's not much he can do, so he answers the door. He sees Plex] Plex: Can I talk to you? Kyle: I'm sorry, but right now I'm feeling- Plex: Foofa! [runs in, followed by the other Gabbers] Brobee: Thank you, dude. Muno: Oh thank God. Toodee: Heey. Kyle: Hey! Plex: Foofa, what is this about you going on the MTV Video Awards? Foofa: I'm done being a kiddie star! Plex: Foofa, you don't have to show your strange to get attention. Ike: You just don't get it 'cause you're a robot, Plex. Plex: Alright, you won't listen to us, but maybe you'll listen to our special guest, Sinéad O'Connor! [the rest of thte troupe welcome her as she walks up to them] Sinéad: Don't do it, Foofa, Don't sell out your strange to those corporate bastards. Ike: Awww, screw off, Sinéad O'Connor. No one gives a crap about you. Plex: Don't show your strange on TV. Troupe: Don't show your strange. Plex: Your strange is for your husband, not for all the world to see. Troupe: Don't show your strange on TV Sinéad: I'm looking for a boyfriend. Looking for a boyfriend. Kyle: Will you get out of my living room, please?! [the phone rings and he answers it] Hello?! Terry: [calling in from Canada] ...Have you ever had someone you love queef in your face? [serves himself some Canadian port] Kyle: What? Terry: I'm sorry, I'm calling everyone in the Canadian health care system to find out if they're pleased with their health care. Is this [checks his monitor] Ike Broflovski? Kyle: No, this is his brother. Terry: Your brother receives his medication from us, so we just wanna be sure he's satisfied with the service. Kyle: Satisfied with- [thinks a bit] Wait a minute. What medication?! Scene Description: Canadian Health Department, day. Terry: Before this meeting continues, I should have you be aware that my face has tested positive for queefie sores. Kyle: [confused] Ah I'm sorry, but I don't really care. I just want to know what medication my little has been getting from you, and why?! Terry: People all over the world get their medication from Canada. Kyle: Yeah, but something is wrong with my brother and it might be your fault! Terry: That's impossible! The Canadian health care system is completely integrated and streamlined with IntelliLink. [this alarms Kyle] Kyle: You use IntelliLink?? Oh my God! Will you check his records please? Terry: Sure, no problem. [gets to work] Now, what is your brother's Canadian Medicare's smartname? Kyle: I dunno! [thinks a bit] Try "strangetamer." Terry: "strangetamer" [the lights go out, a window shade comes down] Uh, yeP, there it is. [presses a key and the lights come on] Ahh yes, here we go. I see your little brother has a constipation problem and has been taking a daily laxative since last May. [check again] Ah, yes, I'm afraid IntelliLink mixed that up and your brother has been receiving large doses of hormones that were supposed to go to an athlete in the northeast. Kyle: Are you saying that Ike has been given regular doses of hormones because of an IntelliLink screwup?! Terry: Yes, that's right. Kyle: That system is totally screwed up and does nothing but wreak havoc! Terry: It's fine! [pounds the table with his fists] It works fine! Just give it some time! [stands up] God, you sound like my wife! [turns left and walks away from the chair.] My... my wife. Rick: [sitting in an armchair nearby] That must be it. Don't you see, Terry? That health care integration system has made you defensive and hostile, and your wife's been puttin' up with it. Terry: [thinking out loud, in a stammer] And... that's why she queefed in my face. Kyle: Ex-cuse me?! If my little brother has been getting some athlete's hormones, then who has been getting Ike's medication?! Scene Description: A Patriots vs. Broncos game, day Announcer: Tom Brady looking sluggish again today. Not sure what his problem has been lately. Tom Brady: Blue 28! ... Blue 28! Commentator: Yeah, definitely not looking as strong and virile as he has in the past, Tom. Tom Brady: [his pants begin filling with poop] Huthuuuut [more poop comes out. The more he says it, the more his pants fill with poop] Hike! Announcer: Brady steps back to pass. [Brady makes sure not to trip over his poop] He's got an open man at the 40 yard line! [Tom throws the ball, but it goes straight to the ground] Commentator: And whatever is wrong with Tom Brady just seems to be getting worse. [Exhausted, Brady just sits on top of his poop and then sinks into it] Go Broncos. Scene Description: South Park Elementary cafeteria, day. The sprinklers haved turned on and drenched everything. "The Heat Is On" plays on the PA system. Mr. Mackey sits on the floor in the same position Brady was in. The emergency lights flash on and off, and the kids are still eating lunch, despite being drenched. Suddenly, the music, lights, and sprinklers stop Cody: Okay, there we go. [Mr. Mackey lifts his head up, disgusted] Your students can buy school lunches now, but they won't be able to get grades. Mr. Mackey: No, they have to be able to get grades! Cody: Well, what you prbably wanna do is upgrade to IntelliLink Platinum. Mr. Mackey: No! There's no more upgrades, m;kay?! I just want this [points to a panel] to work! Cody: ...What exactly do you mean by "work"? Mr. Mackey: I just want students to be able to make appointments to see the counselor, be able to see the school norse in the easiest, most streamlined fashion! Cody: Oh, you want the Centurion package. That's where we take all the IntelliLink panels and we rip them off the walls and we burn them. Then we wipe all the computers of IntelliLink software and you never deal with us again. Mr. Mackey: [walks away and thinks it over] Alright, upgrade me to the Centurion package. Cody: Right away. [goes to Room 7 to rip off the panel from the wall as Mr. Garrison watches from his desk, goes to the bathroom and rips the panels off the walls, goes to the various school offices and tears the panels off there, makes a bonfire in a steel drum out on the playground, and dumps all the IntelliLink hardware into it. He returns to the cafeteria and joins Mr. Mackey again, offering him a clipboard] Well alright sir, here's a clipboard you can use for students to sign up for counseling, [Mr. Garrison takes the clipboard] and I wanna thank you for choosing IntelliLink. [reaches into his back pocket, takes out a gun, and blows his brains out. He falls down, dead. All the students as well as Mackey are stunned] Scene Description: The MTV VMAs, night Announcer: The MTV Video Music Awards will be back with a performance from Yo Gabba Gabba's Foofa singing, "Pound My Sweet Strange." Scene Description: backstage, Foofa and Ike wait for her cue Stage hand: Two minutes, Foofa. Foofa: Thanks. Oh my, here we go! [Kyle appears at the far end of the room] Kyle: Ike! [runs up to him] Wait! [the rest of Yo Gabba Gabba show up] Ike: Get out of here, dude! Kyle: Ike, there's been a mistake. You don't understand. Ike: No, you don't understand, wuss! Why can't you just let me grow up?! Why do you keep harassing me?! Kyle: Because you're my little brother, Godddamnit! [Ike is awed at this] And even when I'm fifty and you're forty-five, you're still gonna be my little brother! Host: All right, y'all, here comes our next big act! Kyle: Ike, I don't care if you wanna grow up, I just wanna be by your side while you do it. Host: Give it up for the sexiest bitch on earth, it's Foofa! Foofa: Come on, Ike. Ike? Ike: He's right, Foofa. Part of growing up is rebelling, but I'm gonna get older whether I like it or not. So why push it? I think I'm just gonna let it happen naturally. [walks to Kyle and the troupe] Yo Gabba Gabba: Yaaaaay. Brobee: Foofa? [Foofa looks at the curtains, then at the group, then takes off her towel to reveal her domiatrix outfit, with two arrows pointing towards her strange, and walks out onto the stage] Foofa: Come on, come on, and pound my strange. Pound it like this, [Yo Gabba Gabba reacts. Brobee covers his eyes] pound it like that. Scene Description: Terry's mansion, day. He comes home, enters, and walks up to his wife Terry: It was a mistake. Wife: What? Terry: Trying to reform Canada's health care system and being too stubborn to admit that it wasn't working. And even when my wife said the system was too complicated, I wouldn't listen. Wife: Oh Terry, I was just trying to get your attention. I'm sorry I queefed in your face. Terry: I deserved it. Anyone who thinks streamlining health care into an integreated health care system would go smoothly deserves a giant queef in their face. Thank you, my lady. Wife: So IntelliLink is gone, my lord? Terry: Yes, I've upgraded to the Gold package. Within no time, Canadians everywhere will be getting their correct medications, and going back to normal. Scene Description: The Broflovski house, just before dawn. Kyle is asleep, but is awakened by chortles of laughter from downstairs. He gets up and goes to see what's happening Kyle: Ike? Ike: [back to his normal voice] Kyle! It's Dora the Explorer! Dora: Come on, let's climb the mountain. Kyle: It sure is. Do you want me to watch it with you, Ike? Ike: Yaaay! [Kyle is pretty happy too, and joins him on the sofa] Dora: We made it all the way to the top. Ike: Oh man, I wouldn't mind hittin' that. I bet she's got that hot Puerto Rican strange. [Kyle's smile vanishes] Kyle: Yeah, I bet she does. Ike: Yaaaay!

Scene Description: Lunchtime at the South Park Elementary Cafeteria. Cartman: [walks in] Hey, everyone? Excuse me! [the other kids start to turn towards him] Everybody, can I just have a second of your time, please? Everyone, listen up. [finally has everyone's attention] Listen everybody, I uh... I owe Kyle a big apology and I... I wanna do it in fromt of everyone because... ugh... I was wrong, Kyle. Kyle: About what?! Cartman: I'm afraid that... Kyle and I got into a little disagreement yesterday. Yeah, yeah it's... pretty nasty. And um, I was totally wrong and you were right, Kyle. I thought only humans could be gingers. Is Davin here? Davin Miller? [a ginger boy with dark red hair leans to his left for a better view] Oh yeah, there you are. I own an apology to you too, Davin. When Kyle said that humans weren't the only species that can have light skin and freckles I totally laughed in his face. But it turns out Kyle was right: there are other animals that can be ginger as well I didn't believe it. I guess I didn't want to believe it, but this morning I saw a red-haired light-skinned cow and I owe you, Kyle, and you, Davin, my sincerest apology. Craig: Where did you find a red-haired cow? Cartman: [crosses his right arm over his chest and points to the doors behind his left shoulder] Oh would you- Would you guys like to see it? Scene Description: a pasture, nearby. The class walks towards a pasture near the school. Cartman climbs to the top of the fence. Stan and Clyde pop their heads into the pasture for a better look. Kevin, and Kenny join Cartman on the second rung. The other kids stand behind the first rung. Cartman: There! There it is right there, see? A red-headed cow. [The camera turns right and stops at a cow with a Jewfro, glasses, a freckled face, and huge red polka dots on her body. Cartman laughs at his cleverness] Butters: Whoa, look at it! Cartman: [giggling to himself] You were right, Kyle. A ginger cow. I shall never question your keen intellect again! Craig: [takes out his phone and starts taking pictures] Wow, that's pretty trippy. Cartman: Yes! Yeah, be sure to get some pictures of it! [Butters and Kevin take their phones out...] I'm pretty sure this occurs only rarely in nature! [Jimmy takes out his phone...] Kyle: Alright, Cartman, joke's over. [Kenny takes out his phone] Cartman: What? What joke? This is real! Kyle: Tell everyone you made the cow look like that! Cartman: No, [drops down to the ground] no, you were right, Kyle. I was wrong. Butters: Boy Eric, I sure do admire your courage to admit when you made a mistake. Cartman: Thank you, Butters! [laughs to himself] Craig: I gotta show this to my mom! [leaves, and the other kids disperse] Butters: Let's go get the kindergartners. Uh they're gonna wanna see this too! [leaves. Only Kyle remains with Cartman] Cartman: Yeah, be sure to show everyone, guys. It's really amazing. Heheh, too good, too too good. Kyle: Even the dumbest lie can have big consequences. Cartman: Yes, you're right, Kyle. I'm sure that that... is going to have earth-shattering consequences. Heheheheh. [walks away] Scene Description: A montage of three news reports. The first one is from Al Aziz Network, where one of the news team members browses the Web for news. He's reading reports in various languages - Korean, then French. The French report gets his attention, "اه! این چیه؟" (Eh! What is this?) he calls some colleagues over and says ".اینجا رو نگاه کن! اوه، اینجا رو نگاه کن! می‌گه یه گاو ماده‌ی قرمز دیده شده" (Take a look! Hey, take a look! Says a red heifer was found.) His colleague asks him "کجا این گاو قرمز ماده دیده شده؟" (Where was this red heifer found?) He replies with "این یعنی چی؟" (What does this mean?) when his colleague says "!زود باش! زود باش! ما اینو باید همین الان خبر بدیم" (Quick, quick! We gotta go public with this right away.) The scene changes to a broadcast with a voice-over ".هم‌اکنون اخبار را برای گزارش مخصوصی موقتا قطع می‌کنیم" (We interrupt this broadcast for a special report.) with a text on the screen which reads "اخبار دنیای ایرانی" meaning Persian World News with an Iranian news anchor reporting an irrelevant story ".مجلس مالزی منحل شد. مجلس این کشور را منحل اعلام کرد تا زمینه را برای انتخابات آماده سازد" (Malaysian parliament dissolved. The Parliament announced the dissolution of the country to set the stage for early elections.) He then reaches for a pistol under his desk and blows his brains out. Next are two Swahili reports covering the same report. The female reporter uses a pistol blows her brains out first, then the male reporter. The last scene has a Japanese reporter covering the report, but he has a dagger ready for seppuku. As he reports, he performs the seppuku, dying just as he ends the report. A colleague comes up and chops his head off with a katana, then uses a pistol to blow his own brains out. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Room 7. The kids are in their seats, and the PA system comes on. Mr. Mackey: Your attention, please. Will Kyle Broflovski report to the principal's office? Kyle: Huh? Mr. Mackey: Kyle Broflovski to the principal's office. Please. Umkay? Butters: Hohoh! What'd you do, Kyle? Kyle: Nothing. [hops off his chair to leave the classroom] Butters: Busted! Scene Description: Principal Victoria's office, moments later. Kyle enters and closes the door, but notices three rabbis to his left. Mr. Mackey: Ah, thanks for comin', Kyle. Kyle: Wuwhat's going on? Principal Victoria: Kyle, these men have apparently come all the way from Israel to speak with me, but... we need a translator. Kyle: [glances at the rabbis again] I don't speak Hebrew. Mr. Mackey: Kyle, please try your best. It seems pretty important. [to the rabbis, in bad English] This.. boy... uhkay... is Jew. Uhkay? Jew... like you. Uhkay? Please... uh, please try... speak... to Jew.[Kyle looks at the rabbis] Rabbi 1: [sighs] We're just trying to tell them that we come on very urgent business. [Kyle looks back at Mr. Mackey] Mr. Mackey: Anything? Kyle: He said they come on urgent business. Principal Victoria: Ohh, what does he need? Rabbi 2: Look, we believe that this school has something which is of the utmost importance to our people! We wish to see the red cow! Kyle: The red- Oh come on, you can't possibly be here for that! Principal Victoria: For what? What did he say, Kyle? Rabbi 1: Please, you must understand! The fate of the world is at stake! [walks to his right and walks over to the window] The coming of a red heifer is the nost holy sign in all of Judaism. It signals the beginning of the End. It is not just our religion, but Islam and Christianity as well. They all agree on one thing. [turns around] That the red heifer means the End of Times. Mr. Mackey: You catch any of that, Kyle? [Kyle looks at Mr. Mackey in disbelief] Scene Description: The pasture, moments later. Kyle leads the rabbis, Principal Victoria, and Mr. Mackey to the cow. Kyle: It's right over here by uh- Rabbi 2: Oh my holy shmear! [a group of Muslims is already bowing down to the cow. One of them notices him and tells him to get out. (!برو بیرون)] Rabbi 2: The Muslims! They beat us here! [hops the fence and charges at them. The other two follow suit.] Mr. Mackey: [frantic] What's goin' on, Kyle?? Kyle: He said the Muslims beat them here- [to himself] God damn it! Rabbi 2: [arrives next to the cow] Step away! You all know what this means! Cleric 1: Yes! And you know you are about to die! Kyle: Hold on everybody. This thing isn't even a- Rabbi 1: Don't touch it! [they all surround the cow, keeping Kyle and each other away from it] Scene Description: Some hours later, the police have arrived and cordoned off the cow, and put up barriers further out to keep everyone away from it. The growing crowd begins to clamor Cartman: [to a reporter] Well I just ran to the school and told everyone, "Hey, there's a redheaded cow outside; you should all see it." Kyle: [trying to reach Cartman, but trapped by the crowd] Cartman, stop! You don't know what you're doing! Cartman: I'm pretty sure that this cow could make ginger cheese, which is like a Swiss cheese, except instead of holes, it has freckles. [chuckles loudly] Kyle: NOOOO! Rabbi 4: [arrives with a sheet of paper, and Rabbi 2 looks at it] The Muslims and the Christians are calling for a meeting to discuss the terms of war. Rabbi 2: Very well, let us meet to discuss how the world as we know it ends. Scene Description: The Airport Hilton, day. Rabbi 1: Alright, so far we agree there'll be no automatic rifles, no shanks, and no chemical weapons. Cleric 2: If there can be no chemical weapons, then the Christians can use no nuclear weapons. [clamoring follows] Bishop: Come on, without nuclear weapons, what kind of final Armageddon is this gonna be?! [clamoring follows] Rabbi 3: But couldn't we agree on non-ballistic nuclear weapons only? Bishop: Yeah, I suppose that's fine. Cleric 2: That makes sense. Rabbi 1: Non-ballistic nuclear only. Alright. Now on to prisoners. Are we all agreeing to decapitations? Israeli: Of course we are! What do you think this is?! Others: Yeah, come on! Just get to it! Cleric 3: Wait a minute, wait a minute! Has anyone noticed something? We are all in a room together. Talking. [walks to the front of the crowd] Has it occurred to anyone else that this prophecy, which amazingly is in all three religions, could actually be meant to bring us together? Bishop: [walks up to him] The prophecy says the red heifer signals the End. [joins him] Could it mean the end of... war? Rabbi 1: If the cow is sacrificed in Israel according to the prophecy, then perhaps it could bring about peace. Scene Description: Jerusalem, day. a wonderful view of the city. A helicopter comes into view with the ginger cow dangling from it. It arrives at the Temple and hovers over it. A few second later, the sling holding the cow is released and the cow falls onto the roof of the temple, dying on impact. The crows looks at the helicopter leave and then cheers Scene Description: Anderson Cooper 360 news segment Anderson Cooper: After all the years of holy wars and hatred, a possibility for peace... in the Middle East. In the past 48 hours, Jews, Muslims, and Christians have met in Israel to sort out their differences. It may be a rocky road, but many say the chance for peace is real. And all because of a red cow, discovered by a young boy here in the U.S. [the doorbell rings and Kyle goes to answer it]We'll be back with more on these amazing developments after this. [Kyle opens the door and sees that it's Cartman] Cartman: Hey Kyle. Y-you got a minute? Kyle: Yeah. [Cartman enters and Kyle closes the door] Cartman: I've gotta tell you something, Kyle. The red-headed cow... isn't real. I made him up. Kyle: No shit! Cartman: I totally lied, Kyle. And when you asked me if I had lied, I looked you right in the eye and said "No." I owe you an apology and, I mean it. Kyle: Well it-... it's okay. there's no denying it all worked out for the best this time a-. Cartman: [shakes his head] No! No, Kyle, you said that it's never for the best. Remember that? And you're right. You're right, Kyle! Kyle: Oh no. Nohoho no. Cartman, don't you do this! The Middle East is finally at peace! Cartman: But it's not true. Kyle, I'm being serious. I really think I have to tell the truth! I I don't know how I can live with this. I don't think I can unless eh, unless I don't know mm-maybe you c-called your mom a fat skank? [no reply] Maybe if you'd said that to your mom and... told her that her tits belonged in a morgue, then, maybe somehow I could live with this lie. Kyle: Dude, go to Hell! Cartman: You're right. You're right, Kyle. I should just tell the truth and be done with it! [picks up the house phone and starts punching] Kyle: Wwwait. [Cartman stops] Scene Description: The kitchen, moments later. Sheila is washing dishes when Kyle and Cartman enter Kyle: Mom? Sheila: Hi bubbe. Kyle: Mom, there's sssomething I need to tttell you. Sheila: What is it, Kyle? Kyle: [looks down and to his right] You're a fat skank, Mom. [shuts his eyes. Sheila is shocked] Cartman: [gasps loudly] Kyle! Oh my gosh, what did you just say?? Kyle: You're a fat skank, Mom, and your tits belong in a morgue. [turns and walks out. Cartman's jaw drops.] Cartman: Ohh my God! [whips out his camera phone and feigns concern] Ms. Broflovski, are you okay? Does he always talk to you like that? Scene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. Cartman walks down the hallway, with Kyle trailing him, carrying his backpack and books Cartman: [reaching his locker] Yeah, come on over here. I got some more stuff in my locker, Kyle. [opens his locker and puts a book on top of the stack. Stan, at his neighboring locker, notices] Stan: How come you're carrying Cartman's stuff? Kyle: I just... thought it'd be nice. Cartman: [puts another book on the stack] Kyle is doing all kinds of things for me. He finished my homework, [puts a third book on the stack] gave me the soda from his lunch. [removes the second and third books he just placed on the stack] I think he's just really stoked on me for helping bring peace to the Middle East. [places the third book back on the stack] Right, Kyle? [puts the second book back in the locker] Kyle: Yes sir. Cartman: Oh, looks like most everyone's here. Um, wasn't there something you wanted to say, Kyle? Remember about the...? Kyle: Yes. [sets Cartman's books and backpack on the floor, then walks to the middle of the hallway] I love Cartman's farts. Cartman: You what?? Kyle: Yummy yummy yummy I want Cartman's farts in my tummy. Craig: Dude, what the hell are you talking about? Kyle: Yummy yummy yummy can I please Cartman's farts in my tummy? Cartman: [walks up to him] Okay okay Jesus, uh, lay down on your back, Kyle. [Kyle does so, and Cartman backs up onto Kyle's face] Let's see what I can muster up here. Kyle: Yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy. Cartman: Let's see. Oh! Oh! [farts, then gets off Kyle] Kyle: [stands up] Yummy yummy thank you Cartman. [turns around and walks away. Cartman smiles. Stan and Kenny can't believe it] Stan: [enunciating] What the fuck? Scene Description: Mr. Mackey's office. Someone knocks on his door Mr. Mackey: Come on in. Kyle: [opens the door and walks in] Mr. Mackey, can I talk to you? Mr. Mackey: Wuh sure, Kyle. What's the matter? Kyle: If you knew something, but, you couldn't tell anyone, what... what would you do? Mr. Mackey: Well, Kyle, living with a lie is never a good thing. Okay. Could... could you maybe just tell me? Kyle: [rubs his tears away] Okay okay... I love having Cartman's farts in my tummy. I love it. [Cartman sneaks a peek around the open door] I love it sooo sooo much. Mr. Mackey: Well... why do you like his farts in your tummy? Kyle: Because they taste so yummy. [his voice quivers, Cartman giggles from behind the door] Mr. Mackey: Well Kyle, that's kind of odd. Uh, not sure how to help you with that. Cartman: [enters and clears his throat] Oh, Mr. Mackey, could I-Oh, uhhh. Hey, sorry, am I interrupting? Kyle: Not if you... have some delicious farts for me. Cartman: [small gasp] Kyle, are you sure? Kyle: Please... Cartman: Well alright. [farts into his left hand and cups it over Kyle's mouth, making sure the fart goes all the way in.] Kyle: Yummy yummy. Mr. Mackey: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. Scene Description: Jerusalem, evening. a huge crowd of people from all three Faiths of the Book cheers as a cleric, a rabbi, and a bishop sit at table onstage. Each has a symbol of his faith with him - the cleric has a cow bell, the rabbi has a candle, and the bishop has a chalice Bishop: Today... begins the new Israel. [the cleric lifts up a cow bell and rings it, then sets it down] Today, we are all united as one. [the rabbi lights the candle] Chakam balada. Crowd: Chakam balada! Chakam balada! [followed by lots of cheering] Rabbi 3: Now, let us celebrate under one symbol! [the clergy go their separate ways and the table sinks into the stage. After several peals of the bell, the floot the table was on returns to the stage as the three religious symbols combine to form... the Van Halen logo. Van Halen's music comes on and the stage lights go on. Eddie Van Halen takes the stage, followed by the rest of Van Halen, with David Lee Roth on mic] Rabbi: No way no waaay! Muslim: Epiiic! David Lee Roth: Hello Israel! [launches into "Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love"] CNN Reporter: The party is officially underway. Jews, Christians and Muslims have united, ushering ten years of Van Halen. [archived live footage follows] Out in the crowd, people are celebrating like never before. [nineteen seconds of footage and song follow] No doubt Israel is the happiest, rockingest place to be. Scene Description: Kyle's room, day. He's sitting on his bed, tortured. His eyes are closed Stan: Hey Kyle. Kyle: Hey Stan: Kyle, there's peace in the Middle East. They're saying maybe it's gonna lead to peace all over the world. Everyone's really happy. You should be too. Kyle: I am happy, Stan. I'm thrilled. Stan: ...Dude, we've been friends a long time. Can you just tell me why you like Cartman's farts so much? Kyle: [gets emotional] I just do, Stan. Stan: You like... how they smell? How they taste? Kyle: Yes. Stan: They're really that good? Kyle: Yes. Stan: Should I try them? Kyle: NO. Ringtone: Yummy yummy. Yummy yummy. Yummy yummy. Yummy yummy. Kyle: This is Cartman. I have to take it. [answers his phone] Hello? Cartman: Hey, I was just about to order some dinner. What sounds better in your mouth tomorrow? Thai or Greek? Kyle: [keeping quite calm] I don't care. Cartman: I care, Kyle. You should have a say in this; they're your yummy farts. Should we go with Thai? Kyle: That's fine. [hangs up] Stan: ...Kyle, maybe you should get some help. Kyle: Please, just, just leave it alone, Stan. Everything is as it has to be. Scene Description: The landing outside. Kenny waits for Stan to come out. Stan does this and closes the door Stan: I don't get it, Kenny. Kenny: (Dude, maybe he's like mentally ill or something) Stan: Well whatever it is, we have to figure it out. I think all those farts are starting to get to Kyle's head. Scene Description: That night, Kyle is tossing and turning in his bed Kyle: No more. No more. Oh, come on, Cartman, no. No more. [begins to reject Cartman's farts in his dreams. A bright light appears and Kyle wakes up, then looks at the foot of his bed] God: Kyle Broflovski. Kyle: Huh? Who...? Who is that? God: Why do you endure all the farts, Kyle? Kyle: I... because the world is at peace. I must endure. God: What you are doing... is the most awesome thing ever. Kyle: I... I know. God: Who else would take such torment? Kyle: That's, that that's k-kind of what I was thinking. God: You should like, shave your head and get all peaceful about it. Your sacrifice saves the world. Kyle: Yes. Scene Description: Bathroom, next day. Kyle shaves all his hair off Kyle: I endure what I must for the sake of all humanity. Scene Description: Jerusalem, evening. During vespers, "Hot For Teacher" begins to play CNN Reporter: [now in party mode - shirtless and with face paint on] What can this reporter say except that Israel freaking rocks! Things just keep getting better here, Tom. And in a few days, they'll be honoring the little boy who discovered the red cow, here on stage, and things are gonna go off! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. In the hallway, Kyle, now bald, is laying on the floor as Cartman sits on him again, trying to fart Cartman: You're gonna... come with me... to Israel, Kyle? [three quick farts] Kyle: Yes! Yes I will! Cartman: Huh? You comin'? [three more quick ones] Kyle: Yes, whatever you want. [a longer fart] Cartman: Okay. I want the whole world to see how much you love my farts. Plane leaves tomorrow. [leaves, screen right. Kyle stands up] Stan: Kyle, don't do this. Don't eat Cartman's farts in front of the whole world. Butters: Just stop, please. Kyle: [dressed in gray pants and white tunic, no footwear] It's okay. Everyone, it's okay. Perhaps one day, you will all understand. What I do, I do because I care about each and every one of you. [walks away, screen left] Craig: Well now he just sounds like a self-righteous asshole. Scene Description: Kyle's room, day. He's sitting on his bed, meditating. His eyes are open Stan: Hey Kyle. Kyle: Hello, Stan. Stan: Um, dude, we need to talk. This has to stop. Kyle: There are greater things at work than what you understand. Stan: If you wanna suck farts, Kyle, that's fine. Go ahead. But you can't suck farts and be a dick about it. Kyle: I'm actually the complete opposite. Stan: All of a sudden you seem to think you're above everyone else! Kyle: I'm not better, I'm just... doing what needs to be done to make the world a better place. Stan: See? You sound like a dick. Kyle: [thinks a bit] I happen to be the one person who's putting everyone else's needs before their own! Stan: Dick! That's a dick talking! You've had too much of Cartman's farts and you got sulphur poisoning, and now you're a dick. Kyle: All you need to know is I'm way awesomer than you think, okay?! Scene Description: The landing outside. Kenny waits for Stan to come out. Stan does this and closes the door Stan: I don't think Kyle really loves Cartman's farts. There's something else going on. Kenny: (Huh? Like what?) Stan: This all started with the stupid peace in the Middle East, Kenny. For some reason it's making Kyle crazy. We've gotta get to the bottom of this! Scene Description: Jerusalem, eve, two days later. Van Halen finishes a song, and Rabbi 1 is at the podium Rabbi 1: And now, let us honor the little boy who helped make all this happen, Eric Cartman, and his best friend, Fartboy. [Cartman and Kyle come out onstage to great applause. The rabbi gives Cartman the mic] Cartman: Thank you everyone. It's my honor to have been a part of this... miracle. Isn't that right, Fartboy? Kyle: Could I please one of your piping-hot farts in my mouth? Cartman: Are you sure, Fartboy? I've had a lot of strange food on this trip. Kyle: Yummy yummy I want your farts in my tummy. Rabbi 1: Uh excuse me, I'm sorry everyone, but apparently there's some breaking news in the United States. Scene Description: A satellite feed appears, with a reporter, Stan, and Kenny. Reporter: We are in Colorado where the red cow was discovered, and apparently, two boys have shocking news that might change everything. Stan: Yes, there's something that you all need to know. The truth about the red cow. We have all been [Stan's phone rings] So- sorry, hang on. [pulls the phone out of his jacket pocket and answers it.] Hello? Kyle: Dude! Do not do this! Stan: No, dude, you don't understand. Cartman hasn't been telling the truth! Kyle: Yes, I know that! Why do you think I've been putting up with his farts?! Stan: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Muslim 2: "Oh" what? [an Israeli throws up his hands in a shrug] Kyle: I know Cartman made it all up, okay?! I also know that nothing is more important for humanity than peace in the Middle East! I'm okay with this, Stan! Stan: Well, I'm not okay with it, 'cause it's turned you into a dick, Kyle! Kyle: I'm not a dick, I'm like Gandhi! Stan: You know, I don't think when Gandhi starved himself he was all "Dude, look how fuckin' awesome I am for starving. Check me out!" Kyle: Okay, okay. Stan, you're right. Maybe I let being a martyr go to my head. Just please, let me stay on this path, and, I'll try to be cool about it. Okay? I'm sorry. Stan: You should apologize to Kenny too. Kyle: I'm sorry, Kenny! Kenny: (That's okay, Kyle.) Rabbi 1: No, what is the new information?! Stan: The red cow... I saw it too. Ih it came down from the sky in a flash of light. It was a miracle. Kyle: Hurray! Rabbi 1: Oh no, it was a miracle? Israeli 2: Then, it's not true. The prophecy is not true! [rounds of disappointment as everyone starts leaving] David Lee Roth: Wait, I thought we were all here because of the prophecy of a miraculous red cow! Rabbi 5: No, the prophecy is that one day, a fat child with a small penis would decorate a cow to look ginger, not that one would miraculously just fall from the sky. [Kyle is stunned that Cartman fulfilled that prophecy] Muslim 2: I knew this was all too good to be true! Bishop: We are associating with these heathens for no reason! Cartman: Small penis?! Scene Description: News break Anchor: The party's over. Muslims, Jews, and Christians are back at each other's throats, and Israel is once again a place of conflict, and turmoil Scene Description: A synagogue, day. Kyle is pleading his case with the rabbis Kyle: Please, you have to listen to me! The prophecy actually did come true! Rabbi 3: No it di'n't. Kyle: Yes! It did! Rabbi 1: The prophecy was that a fat boy with a small penis would one day decorate a cow to look ginger. We should have known a prophecy like this... was too impossible to ever come to be. Kyle: But that is what happened! It is! Tell them, Cartman! Cartman: No, Kyle, you were right. I see now that little lies can cause huge problems. Kyle: But it's the truth! Cartman: No, it's not, Kyle. I have a huge dick. Rabbi 1: Sorry boys, but we've gotta get to our fight. There's a rumble at the Wailing Wall. [brings out a switchblade. Rabbi 2 has a shot gun, while rabbi 3 carries a bat]. They leave, and Kyle turns around Kyle: Ssso it was all for nothing. The whole time I was... eating farts for nothing. Cartman: Cheer up, Kyle. I'm sure this isn't the first time someone who thought they were suffering for humanity was actually just sucking farts. Hey. How about we get a little dessert, help cheer you up? [puts his hand on his ass and farts on it, then puts whipped cream on it, with a cherry on top, and smothers it on Kyle's face. He then walks away. A few seconds later, the cherry falls off]

Scene Description: South Park Mall, day. It's looking mighty impressive now. A large banner for Black Friday, November 29, hangs high above the main entrance. Winter is coming. A senior security guard paces back and forth while briefing the other guards about Black Friday madness. Guard 1: The holiday season... is here, and Black Friday... is upon us. As you know, black Friday is the day shoppers go berserk for holiday deals. Last year, 26 people died, and 461 were seriously injured. [stops by a guard who lost his right arm, puts his right arm on the guard's left shoulder and closes his eyes for a moment, then moves on] This winter the mall is offering 80% off to the first thirty people in the store. [The guards shout out various responses] For you new recruits, perhaps you took this job to see just what the violence was like. [a closeup of a guard without a chin] Or perhaps you thought workin' Black Friday wouldn't be a big deal. [looks at Randy, who just smiles innocently] Randy: I'm just trying to earn some extra holiday cash. Guard 1: [ominously] Or maybe you're just too stupid to realize what you've gotten yourselves into. Chief of Security: That's enough! [the other guards turn to see him, an old guard with a scar over his left eye, and his back to them] Our only chance of surviving this year's sale is by sticking together! Those of you who signed up are to be... commended. [turns around] But I warn you: do not underestimate the battle that's about to take place outside those doors! [the other guards stay silent, and he turns towards the front entrance.] Winter is coming. Scene Description: Neighborhood, day. Cartman the Wizard walks down the sidewalk and on to Kenny's house. He knocks three times with his walking stick, and Kenny opens the door. Cartman: Good evening, sir. I'm calling together all the fighters of Zauron. I need to speak with Lady McCormick. Kenny: [looks around the living room] (She's not here right now.) Cartman: Please tell her there is to be a meeting in the Great Hall. I have found a way to get XBox Ones, and the fair Lady McCormick will want to hear about it. Scene Description: The Great Hall, day. A bunch of boys in costumes are downstairs in Cartman's basement. As the boys talk amongst themselves, Cartman calls the meeting to order with three taps from his walking stick. Cartman: Thank you all for coming. Prince Token, Sir Timmy of Blacklake, Lady McCormick [Kenny plays with the hair on his wig and mumbles coyly]. Warriors, we have fought many great battles together. At Clyde's house. At Scott Malkinson's house. But soon we will be fighting the greatest battle of our young hot lives. Winter is coming, and the next gen gaming devices are hitting the shelves. Clyde: Which nobody can afford. Cartman: What if I were to tell you that if we all worked together there's a way we can get the new gaming system. Token: If you know of a way, wizard, then speak. Cartman: I have learned of a dark magic at work. The day after Thanksgiving, the first thirty people inside the mall get 80% off whatever they want. They are calling it... Black Friday. Butters: Woo, spooky. Craig: Black Friday? Come on, that can't be real. Cartman: It is real, Craig! I saw it on the news, butthole! Stan: [stands on his chair] It is real. They do it every year. But everyone in town tries to be the first inside the mall on Black Friday. What chance do we have? Cartman: On our own, none. But if we plan, strategize, and fight together! [pounds the table with his left fist] ...We can be the first people inside on Black Friday. And use the 80% to get the gaming system we need to survive. Scene Description: A news show, with a female anchor and a male anchor. Male anchor: Well it's almost Thanksgiving, and we all know what that means. Female anchor: That's right. Black Friday is right around the corner. Male anchor: Ouch. Female anchor: And people are already gearing up. [cut to shoppers] Shopper 1: [obese man with only one tooth] We usually start linin' up around 3 am. We uh douse ourselves in pig blood, because it does help us slip through the crowd when the doors open. Shopper 2: [with his family] We do it every year, part of the family tradition. Last year we lost our youngest daughter. Her head was stepped on and crushed, but, in her memory, we're going to find a young girl and step on her head this year. Shopper 3: [an angry obese woman with two fat kids behind her] If anyone thinks they're gonna beat me inside that mall, and keep me from gettin' [points to her younger kid] my kids Christmas presents, they can kiss my fat vagina, 'cause I'm bringin' the motherfuckin' pain! [bares her teeth] Reporter: Tom, the South Park Mall says they've beefed up security in an effort to reduce the number of fatalities this year. One thing's for sure, people take Black Friday very seriously. Scene Description: Cartman's house, night. The segment begins with a grinder honing a wooden sword. Panning out, Scott Malkinson is shown operating the grinder for Jimmy, who's waiting on his sword. Scott finishes and hands the sword to Jimmy, who begins to wield it. Other boys, including Stan and Kyle, are paired off and shown sparring with their swords. Tweek and Token try their hands at archery, trying to strike dummies with arrows. Cartman: [walking around, surveying his knights] Yes. Yes, very nice. Good. Butters: [runs up with a sheet of paper and hands it to Cartman] Wizard Cartman! I have news from the Internet, my lord! [salutes with his left hand] Cartman: [flatly, but sternly] They don't salute in Game of Thrones, Butters. Butters: [lowers his hand] Uh, sorry, I haven't watched it yet. Cartman: Okay, we need to start immediately, please. [clears his throat and reads] Ah, very good. The House of Greyhawk has agreed to join our fight! Stan: The House of Greyhawk? Kyle: Larry and Brad Stoltsky Cartman: But my friends, we must still find others who will fight by our side! Are there no other factions we can call to our aid? Clyde: [raises his left hand] Hey yeah, I know. [lowers it] How about we ask those kids who play Star Trek? Cartman: Uhh noo! Screw those guys. They're dorks, and I'm not playing with them. Scene Description: South Park Mall, day. Under cloudy skies, a lone guard sits near the entrance, drinking from a metal flask. Randy: [walks up] Hey, [notices the flask] that's what I'm talkin' about. You got any extra of that? [the guard shares his flask] Oh, thanks! [sits down near the guard] Gets a little boring around here, you know? [takes a swig from the flask] Guard 2: Enjoy the boredom while you can. Randy: So you worked here last winter? You worked on Black Friday? [hands the flask back to the guard] Guard 2: I did. Randy: Is it really as bad as they say it is? Guard 2: The shoppers... Hm... They started showing up at midnight on Thursday... They... didn't line up, they just crammed themselves near the main entrance... I can see their faces smooshed up against the glass, licking their lips, waiting to get in... God, the sounds that they made... It was 5 am when they opened the doors... There was screaming... blood... people... tearing each other's faces off while holiday music played in the background... I saw a woman... pick up her daughter by the ankle and swing her into some old guy's head... Before I knew it they were all around me... fighting, clawing. Then a hand reached in and pulled me out. Old Cap. He saved us all that day. [A shot of the chief of security] When it was over... the front of the mall was... covered in red. Bodies... shopping bags... [a shot of the banner again] And now winter comes again. [after a few seconds of reflection, he quickly drinks the rest of the flask] Scene Description: Downtown South Park, day. Cartman and Butters are walking Butters: Well Wizard Cartman, I started watching Game of Thrones. Cartman: Ah yes, Paladin Butters, are you enjoying it? Butters: Well it's it's pretty good, I guess, but have you ever noticed that almost every time they show a guy's wiener, that guy's character is gay? Cartman: What do you mean? Butters: Well ih-it's just that they have a lot of girls' boobs and vagina's and stuff, but most times they show a man's wiener, it's because that guy's in a love scene with another guy. Do you think it's because gay wieners are less threatening to women viewers? Cartman: Iiii believe you might be missing the greater point of the show, Paladin Butters. Butters: Yeah, I know. Winter is comin' and there's dragons and zombies on the way. I'm pretty excited for that. Just could do with a little less gay wiener is all. Scene Description: Cartman's backyard, evening. The boys are back practicing their swordplay. Cartman and Butters step through the sliding door onto the yard Cartman: We have word from the kindergartners. They've agreed to join us! [the boys cheer this good news] Kyle: Those XBox Ones are as good as ours! Boys: Yeah! Craig: Wait, wait. What are you talking about, XBox Ones? [everyone's smiles vanish] Cartman: That's what this is all about, Craig. We're all trying to get XBox Ones on Black Friday. Craig: I thought we were getting Playstation 4's. Cartman: [chortles] What? Jimmy: M ma um m-me too. Cartman: ...Nnnoo. Guys, when I said we're gonna get the next gen gaming systems, I was obviously talking about XBoxes. Kyle: Yeah. Jimmy: Eh but I want a PS4, not a crappy XBox. Kyle: Look, guys, we all have to agree on one system. Cartman: That's right. Kyle: If some of us are on PS4s, but the rest of us are on XBox's, then we all can't play together online. See? This is all about committing to one machine. Craig: Right. Let's all get PS4s. Kyle: [taken aback] No, the XBox's are gonna be better. Tweek: They're not better, they're just more expensive. Cartman: We are getting XBox Ones, guys! And that is final! Craig: [angrily] That's exactly how XBox people are! Jimmy: Yeah! Cartman: Fine! If you guys don't wanna join us on Black Friday to get XBoxes, then that's fine! Craig: We're still gonna fight on Black Friday, just not with you! Cartman: [thinks for a moment] Oh, it's gonna be like that, is it?! Craig: Everyone who wants to get PS4s, join with us! [Fosse joins Craig and Tweek, followed soon after by Jimmy and two other boys. Bill and Jason join them as well, while Scott joins the XBox group] Kyle: No! We can't divide like this! [Stan leaves the XBox group] Stan? [Stan turns around] You're on our side, right? Stan: I like the PS4's controller better. Kyle: [stunned, then] Stan, the PS4 doesn't have the seamless transition between games, movies, and TV offered by XBox One. Stan: [tears welling up] The PS4 has a touchpad interface. You never listened. I told you I thought the PS4 was better, but you never wanted to listen to me, Kyle. You just had your head so set because... [gets mad] because that's how XBox people are. Kyle: [determined] Then I guess I'll see you on Black Friday. Stan: [determined] If I see you at the mall, Kyle, I will have to try to beat you inside. Kyle: I know. Cartman: [walks up to Kyle] Come on, Kyle. Let these Sony fucks wallow in their limited voice-control functionality. [turns around and walks away with the XBox group, with Kyle joining him. A shot of the mall as day turns to night] Scene Description: The Marsh house, night. Randy comes home from work as a mall security guard Randy: [singing to himself] Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat. [opens the front door and enters, closes the door and sets the keys on a small table] Please to put a penny in the old man's- Sharon: [waiting for him by the sofa, with her arms crossed] What the hell are you doing? Randy: [stops] Oh hey Sharon. You're up, huh? I uh... alright, look: I took a temp job at the mall. I just wanted to make some extra holiday cash. Sharon: Bullshit. Randy: I did, Sharon. [begins walking past her] I saw they were hiring extra security, and I thought it'd be a good way to make money. Sharon: [stands up and follows Randy for a few steps] You're doing this to try and get to the front of the line on Black Friday, aren't you? Randy: [goes onto the first stair step and thinks of his reply, then turns around] Nobody else has thought of it, Sharon. I won't even be out in the crowd. I'll be on the inside when the doors open. While everyone is trying to run over each other, I'll turn around and run right into the stores. I'll be the first to get whatever I want! Sharon: Isn't Black Friday supposed to be about buying things for other people? Randy: Winter is coming, Sharon, and I'm a sneaky little bee. [flaps his right hand like a wing] Bzzz bzzz. [goes on up the stairs] Scene Description: A Trekker's room. The room is furnished to resemble the bridge of the Starship Enterprise. A Vulcan sits in the captain's chair. Star Trek: TOS music plays Ensign: Thrusters are at 20%, captain. Kevin: Engage, ensign. Warp factor 1. Dougie: Captain, we have an incoming FaceTime request from Eric Cartman. Kevin: On screen. [the monitor on the floor lights up and Cartman is seen.] Cartman: Oh uh, hey guys, what's up? Kevin: Nothin' much. We're just about to check out a Class M planet that might have new sources of trillurillium. Cartman: [to Clyde] God these guys are such dorks! Clyde: Just find out who they're loyal to. Cartman: [performs the Vulcan sign for goodbye] Uh yeah, big dong and prosper. Um, listen guys, uh, uh, you're XBox people, right? Kevin: Given the XBox's faster frame rate, we have no choice but to declare it the most technologically fit for Starfleet. Cartman: [to Clyde] Oh my god they're so gaaay! [to the Trekkers] Um, kewl. What if I were to tell you that we have a way for you to join us in getting XBox Ones super cheap. Dougie: Cheap XBox Ones? For real? Scene Description: Cartman's backyard, moments later. Cartman comes out of his house with Clyde in tow. Cartman: The Federation has agreed to fight with us! [the group gathers at a round table] With them and the kindergartners, our army has just doubled in size! [Kyle sadly nods in acknowledgement] You still think you can convince Stan to come back to our side, don't you, Sir Kyle? Kyle: I don't know. Cartman: You can't change his mind, Sir Kyle. Sony people don't think with logic. He betrayed us. And now we must out-Game of Thrones him by making powerful alliances. Butters: Oh don't even get me started! I keep watchin' that show and I'm waitin' for the darn dragon to show up and, and kick everyone's butt! But all I get is wiener, wiener, wiener. It's not all gay wiener, but when they DO show a straight guy's wiener, it's all soft and floppy. Even though he just got done humpin' a pretty girl! Why is that? Because a soft wiener isn't threatening, just like a gay wiener. [closes his case by crossing his arms] Cartman: [with his right hand over his nose] Butters, you seem to be somewhat obsessed with wieners. Butters: I'm obsessed with wieners? Well what about HBO? Kyle: This isn't helping us, Butters! Clyde: The Sony people might not be our biggest problem. Kenny: (What do you mean?) Clyde: Twitter says they're introducing a new Elmo doll this Christmas. Cartman: What new Elmo doll? Scene Description: The Elmo Doll commercial. What's the GIFT children as asking for this HOLIDAY season? Elmo: [pops into view] Heheh, who, me? Announcer: [a blonde girl unwraps her gift] Just in time for the holidays, it's Stop Touching Me Elmo. [the girl shows him to the camera] When you press his back, Elmo puts his hand on your knee and says fun things. [a boy demonstrates this] Elmo: Have you ever been tickled on the inside? [next, the blonde girl is asleep with it] I'm lonely. Are you lonely? [she wakes up. Next is a boy in his own bedroom room] Can I watch you go potty? [the boy looks at the doll. Next is a brunet girl with curly hair] You wanna kiss the guy who does Elmo's voice? [the doll puts his hand on the girl's knee. This alarms her] Girl: Stop touching me, Elmo! [swats his arm away. He tries again and she stops him sooner. He tries again...] Announcer: Elmo also helps kids brush their teeth with his toothpaste dispenser. [a shot of a boy putting toothpaste onto his toothbrush from Elmo's groin] Elmo: More! More! More! Aaaghghgh. Announcer: Don't miss out on this holiday season's biggest gift! Stop touching me, Elmo! Announcer 2: Available at South Park Mall staring Black Friday. Scene Description: South Park Mall, day. Randy arrives with some coffee and sees some other guards Randy: Morning, Joe, Marcus. Guard 3: Morning, Randy. Old Cap: What madness is this?? [Randy and the other two guards walk over.] Randy: What is it? Old Cap: [reads from an announcement] A new Elmo doll. They're releasing a new Emo doll [rolls up the announcement] just in time for Black Friday. Guard 3: Oh Christ, no! Old Cap: You've murdered us! [looks up at some business people in front of a Toy Safari store] You soulless monsters, you've killed us all! [some knocking is heard from the main entrance. The guards look to their right and see the crowd beginning to form outside] Guard 4: Oh, God, they're already lining up. Shopper 1: Eelllmoooo Guard 3: No! They can't line up this soon! This is crazy! Old Cap: I'll deal with these demons! [walks towards the entrance, opens the doors, and walks out. The doors close and he addresses the crowd] If you are here for Black Friday, the line starts on that side of the rope. [shows them the rope. which has a small sign saying "BLACK FRIDAY LINE" on one of the poles] Shopper 4: Oh. This rope right here? [walks over to the rope. The rest of the crowd follows him and stand behind the rope] Old Cap: That's the line for Black Friday, so other people can do normal shopping today. Shopper 4: Oh. Okay. Thanks. [Old Cap goes inside and the shoppers resume knocking on the glass walls.] Shopper 4: Elmooo. Shopper 5: Give me Elmo. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Stan leads Jimmy and Craig to the Goths' hangout at the side of the school Stan: We come seeking your help. Do you side with those wanting XBoxe's, or will you join us on Black Friday and fight for PS4s? Michael: Are you for real? Jimmy: You know that the PS4 is a better choice. I mean, come on. Michael: Of course we're going to go with the PS4. They're blacker! Stan: Then join us! We need people to help us be the first 20 inside the mall! Pete: Uhhh, we're just gonna wait until the PS4s become cheaper and more available. Stan: No, you can't do that! Jimmy: Ya yo you can't, you can't do that. Stan: Don't you see this is about more than Black Friday? Battle lines are being drawn! If you wait it out, but everyone else has already decided to go with XBox, then, that will become the standard! The PS4 would be like Betamax was to VHS. Henrietta: What's Betamax? Stan: Exactly! Pete: What's VHS? Stan: ...Look, we're just asking people who want to play on PS4s to fight for what they believe in! Michael: Sorry, I guess we just don't care enough. Jimmy: Come on, Sir Stan. There must be kids somewhere who will join us. [turns right and walks away. Craig follows, and Stan looks at the floor, saddened] Scene Description: A lush garden, night. Cartman and Kenny walk through it. Kenny is caressing a mouse Cartman: Lady McCormick, I was hoping I could talk to you about Kyle. Kenny: (Yes. What's up, my lord?) Cartman: I'm not sure if his heart is in the right place. If he were to ever... [picks out a yellow rose and gives it to Kenny] switch sides, [Kenny sniffs it] it could make Stan's army problematic for us. Kenny: (But Stan and Kyle are best friends) Cartman: True, but we can't let Kyle come in the way of what's rightfully ours. [stops and faces Kenny] Let's face it, Lady McCormick, this is really about you and me getting XBox Ones. The others are simply there to... help us get inside those doors. Kenny: [strokes his mouse] (Yes. That's right.) [they resume the walk] Cartman: You have a strong influence over the rest of the men, Lady McCormick. All I'm saying is when the time comes, I might need you to... use that influence to have Kyle taken care of. Do we understand each other? Kenny: (Yes, I believe we do.) Thompson: Hey, you damned kids! [Cartman and Kenny turn to face the voice, which turns out to be a man looking out his bedroom window on the second floor of his house] Get the hell out of my yard! Cartman: Fuck you, dude! This is the Garden of Andros! Thompson: No, it's my damned garden and I'm sick of you kids dressin' up and havin' talks of betrayal in it! Scene Description: The mall, night. The mall is closed, and Randy makes the rounds, buzzing to himself. He stops by RadioHut to check out the specials Randy: Seventy-inch television. Huh that would be good. Oooo, but 80% off a computer. Huh, maybe I'll be able to snag both. Voice: Doin' alright there, Rookie? [A hand falls on Randy's left shoulder, startling him] Randy: Whoa! Haha. [recognizing Old Cap] Yes sir! Old Cap: Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. Randy: No, I was just uh, looking at all these great things I can't afford, heh. Old Cap: Listen, uh... I know why you took this part-time job. Randy: You-d, you do? Old Cap: I see it in you. You care about people. [smiles] Same reason I do it every year. [takes Randy for a walk] You remind me of my son. He died on Black Friday in '89. Guess I'm still trying to save him. [stops] Look, I just want to say I... I really appreciate what you're doing. I promised my wife this would be my last Black Friday I worked. When I see folks like you, it... makes me hopeful that people will still be okay. Randy: [going with it] Yeah... awesome... Old Cap: No, damn it! [noticing something outside] No lining up behind the velvet rope! [goes towards the entrance] God they just don't listen! [Randy sighs and buzzes to himself more soberly] Scene Description: The PS4 army's tent, night. A soldier is keeping watch next to the tent Jimmy: C-C-Cartman's army is getting bigger every day. In addition to the Federation and the kindergartners, the XBox army now also has the kids who play Harry Potter, the jocks, the swim team, and the glee club. Craig: Word is that the sixth graders all prefer XBox too, and will team up with Cartman as well. Stan: And who do we have on our side? Jimmy: Uh besides us, it's the book club and Janice Pinkerton. Stan: Did you ask the Vamp kids? Craig: They're still undecided. Stan: [walks towards the tent's entrance] There has to be a way to get people on the fence to join our side. [looks at the campfire outside, around which sit Tweek and two other boys] Boy: Playstation... Jimmy: Look, Sir Stan, it's probably time to give this up. Craig: We're just a dying breed, Stan. XBox is going to win this whole thing. Stan: So we're just gonna let other kids decide which game system we all play on? What would they do on Game of Thrones? What would they do when things look their darkest? Scene Description: Sony Corporation, Japan, night. The head of the corporation is humping a woman from behind on his desk, in his office. Two board members arrive and one of them clears his throat. Corporate head: Huh? Isogashii yo! [I'm busy!"] Member 1: Sorry to disturb you sir, but we thought you should see this. [pulls out a flier] Corporate head: [gets down from his desk and puts on his robe] Omae-ya kikei ["You freak"]. [the woman gets off the table and skulks away while the corporate head walks to the board members] Jishu, taihen ne. ["Geez, how dreadful"]'[takes the flier and looks at it. It's a flier Cartman had made up and distributed everywhere, even Japan] Winter is comingu. Choose side-o. Nani kore? ["What is this?"] Member 1: Just a small down in Middle America, but apparently, a war is escalating. Member 2: Sir, if this were to become a news story, and if the first people inside their mall all got XBoxes... well it clearly looks bad for our image. Corporate head: [looks more closely at the flier] So desu ne... ["I see..."] Scene Description: South Park Mall, day. A Channel 9 News reporter is on camera Reporter 2: What's going to be the big item everyone goes for this Black Friday? It just might be the PlayStation 4. Sony has just announced they offering a special Black Friday bundle, called the "Brack Friday Bunduru," which will include four controllers, a map of Japan, a hundred dollar rebate, and, allow you to automatically pre-order for Metal Gear Solid V. No doubt Sony has just raised the stakes. Scene Description: Cartman's backyard, day. There are more kids in the yard now, all honing their skills for the coming battle. Cartman walks among them Cartman: Yes. Good, Federation kids. You're learning to fight with your hands! Keep pushing, kindergartners! [walks further along to Kyle, who's sitting on a tree stump.] Sir Kyle, I know that Sony's offering a special Brack Friday Bunduru. You know the XBox is still better, right? Kyle: Yeah, but, why can't XBox automatically let you pre-order Metal Gear Solid V? Cartman: Sir Kyle, pre-order doesn't mean shit, okay? When you pre-order a game, you're just committing to paying for something that some assholes in California haven't even finished working on yet. You know what you get for pre-ordering a game? A big dick in your mouth. Scene Description: South Park Mall, day. The crowd at the Black Friday line has gotten bigger and the clamoring has gotten louder. Randy is keeping the peace. Randy: Alright, listen up. [the crowd quiets down] The mall is no longer allowing people to line up for Black Friday until Thanksgiving night. [the clamoring resumes] It's okay. To hold places in line we're handing out wristbands. [the crowd knocks down the rope and overwhelms him] Augh! Hold on! Oh God! Shopper 6: Wristbands! Old Cap: [sees the commotion and arrives to restore order] Back! Back, all of you! [the other guards come to help out] If that's how you are, there'll be no wristbands! No go! [delivers a left jab to a woman in front of him] Shopper 7: Oh! Old Cap: Back away! [Shopper 1 comes up behind him and stabs him] Shopper 4: I'm getting my son that Elmo doll, you fuck! [pulls the knife out and rushes away. Old Cap collapses] Randy: No! [runs to Old Cap's side as more guards exit the mall. Randy reaches him first, and the other guards gather around them] Old Cap: You did good. The watch is yours now. Randy: No! You can't die! Everybody really likes you! Old Cap: This is what we signed up for. Right, my friend? Randy: No, I was lying to you! I took this job... to be at the front of the line on Black Friday. Old Cap: Heh. Now you know how serious this is. Whatever your intentions before, protect this town. You are in charge now. Take this. [puts his hand over his left eye and... pulls off what turns out to be an adhesive eye patch and places it on Randy's left eye] Don't let... Black Friday... be the end. [dies. The other guards stay around, not knowing what to do] Randy: [rises] Get back inside. We have work to do. [the guards file back into the mall] Scene Description: A backyard, night. Its surroundings are a bit shabby - an overflowing trash can, an old lounge chair... Stan is facing Craig and Jimmy, and a few seconds later, turns around Stan: When we started this fight... it was because we were tired of XBox people telling us Playstation sucks! Now... we have an army of our own! [the army is shown, and it includes the Goths, the Vamps, the handicapped kids, and some first graders. The house behind them only has one story, and it looks run down. A security grill is falling off one of the windows and the fence is in tatters. The army cheers for itself] I can't guarantee you will live, but I can guarantee that before this is over... the winner of the console wars will be decided. [more cheering. A familiar figure sits on a throne...] Our new leader has joined us to help make sure that system is the PS4! [he turns around and unsheathes his sword, raising it to honor the new leader]All hail the Princess! [points the sword at her, and more cheering follows. Princess Kenny, Lady McCormick, has arrived] PS4 Army: The Princess! Yeah! [a mouse crawls into view, on the Princess's left shoulder, and roars]

Scene Description: Kenny provides a recap of what happened last week on the show, with clips from that episode. Kenny: Previously, on South Park. Scene Description: The intro follows with the boys dresses as fantasy figures, and dramatic music matches them. Next, a white screen appears, with a silhouette of a black wall and a crow on it. The crow calls out Narrator: Now let me tell you, child, of a war that is about to come. [turns out the wall is the two consoles over which the war will be fought - the PS4 and the XBox - and the crow is on the display for the XBox One.] Since time unremembered there have been two. [the crow hops from the XBox One display to the PS4 display] One dark and unforgiving, the other pure and filled with light. [next is a silhouette of a woman looking at South Park Mall from a pile of rocks] At the dawn of war, I stand alone, looking out at would be the last battlefield, for winter is coming, and I... am a princess. [the woman is Princess Kenny] Once a common lady of the dark army, but, denied my right to be called princess by birth, [Kenny hops off the rocks and walks] I've betrayed my kind, [Kenny enters EVGames] and now I have chosen my side: that which I believe is best for all, [Kenny flips through the games and chooses Vomit Cops, then plays it] for it has the dual-shock controller with a speakers and a touchpad interface. [Kenny walks home] Our land is split in two, brother against brother, friend versus friend. [enters his house and walks past his parents] My parents will fight on Black Friday as well. For what? I do not know. Stuart: What the hell is he wearin' now? Narrator: [walks out to the back yard and sits on her throne] My followers, though few in number, shall help see me through until I am finally accepted as a princess by all. I cannot rest, for I know that even now, the enemy is training for battle, also preparing for winter. Scene Description: XBox One army base, day. As the rest of the army watches, Butters and Scott do some swordplay. Scott's tongue is hanging out of his mouth Scott: En garde! [Butters takes up his sword and swordplay resumes. While the crowd cheers the swords-boys on, Cartman is not impressed, and he buries his nose in his hand while squeezing his eyes shut] Cartman: Alright, stop, stop, stop! [leaves his chair and walks up to Scott and Butters] This is NOT how you fight! You think this is a joke?! On Black Friday, there's gonna be thousands of shoppers trying to get inside that mall keeping you from getting Xbox Ones! So what do we do?! We survey each enemy, and we attack their weak spots! Scott Malkinson has diabetes, so we hit him in his weak spot! [swings his staff at Scott's mouth and lands it, making Scott's tongue go back in his mouth] Scott: Aaah God ow sorry... Cartman: There's another army out there who thinks they're better than us, and we are not going to be beat by that traitor whore Kenny! Get back to training! [leaves] Butters: [not sure what to do next, then swats Scott on his back] Yeah! Scott: [falls onto his knees] Ah! Kyle: [catches up to Cartman] Cartman, we should probably talk about our chances. Cartman: The men are just inexperienced, Sir Kyle. They need more training. Kyle: It's not enough! Ever since Kenny switched sides, there are more kids that wanna go with PS4 on Black Friday. Cartman: That Goddamn traitor! You know why Kenny's doing this, right? Because he wanted to be a princess, and I wouldn't let him! [they go through the sliding door] I said, "You can be a chick, Kenny, but there's only one ruler, and that's me!" [reaches his refrigerator and opens it, looking for something to consume] Kyle: Sony released the PS4s, Cartman. They're being reviewed. People are liking them. Cartman: [turns around, holding a glass of milk] I guarantee you Kenny had something to do with Sony offering a Brack Friday Bunduru! [takes a swig of it] Just keep them in training, Sir Kyle. Two can play at Kenny's backstabbing game. [leaves, forgetting to close the refrigerator door] Scene Description: Cartman's room, moments later. Cartman is at his desk placing a call, still grousing about Kenny Cartman: Stupid asshole! [looks at a picture of himself and Kenny at Casa Bonita putting their arms around each other, with dreamy expressions, as they used to be best buds. He folds it up and lays it on his desk, face down] Yes, hello. I'd like to speak to the president of XBox, please... The president of XBox, like, the head of XBox... Fine, CEO of Microsoft, whatever. Put him on. I need help blowing up PlayStation people... Eric Cartman. I'm a wizard and a king... A wizard-king, yes... No, I'm not king of wizards, I'm a king that happens to be a wizard. [lost his patience] Just put the CEO of Microsoft on the phone! Scene Description: Microsoft headquarters, night. The CEO's office. Steve Ballmer is at his desk Secretary: Mr. Ballmer, John and Dave from Marketing are here to see you. [the men come on in] Ballmer: Yes, hello. How are things going out there? John: Sir, the tides of war are changing. Dave: There's a king in Colorado, a young wizard who believes that Sony will have the upper hand if we do not come to his aid. John: He claims that with our help, his followers are prepared to fight to the death over which system is better. Ballmer: Uhh, what are you guys talking about? You sound ridiculous. Dave: [looks at John, then] There's... going to be a war in this small town on Black Friday, and it's all over the news! Ballmer: Guys, these are console wars, not some epic battle for a kingdom. I mean, come on. Dave: ...but, this one kid said that he's a wizard, and that Sony is helping- Ballmer: Guys, guys guys! It's just a video game machine, alright? Microsoft's a company that... tries to be above all the petty commercialism, okay? Dave: Ok-Okay. John: Okay. [they turn and leave] Scene Description: The Channel 9 newsroom. The anchors are reporting Tammy: Well, Black Friday is still a few days away, but it looks like it's already claimed another fatality. Tom: Niles Lawson is on the scene, and Niles, what are you hearing? Niles: [holding in his left arm a giant candy cane, with blood stains along the hooked end] Tom, tragedy stuck last night when mall security officer Miles "Happy" Davis was beaten to death with this candy cane after telling a mother she couldn't line up for Black Friday until Thursday night. In honor of the slain mall security officer, the mall has officially decided to drop another 10% off Black Friday deals! Scene Description: The Wall of Honor, established in 1974. A framed picture of the slain officer is placed on a shelf on the wall, and a small bouquet of flowers placed in front of that Randy: Happy was a good man. Too good to have died in such a brutal but festive manner. Guard 3: [runs up to Randy] Captain! Captain! The mall is dropping the Black Friday sale another 10%. Guard 4: What? Guard 5: Oh my God. Guard 6: They can't do that! Guard 7: What? That's 90% off! Guard 8: Oh God! They're back! The shoppers are back! [the camera pulls back to reveal a large crowd of shoppers slowly moving towards the mall. One of them holds a flyer for the new Black Friday deal. The fog is so low it looks soupy] Randy: Everybody stay put! I'll handle this. [exits the mall] Scene Description: Outside the mall, night. The crowd continues its somewhat slow march towards the mall, but a main road and parking lot stand between them and the mall Randy: [through a bullhorn] If you are here for Black Friday, you cannot be on mall property until midnight on Thanksgiving. Shopper 6: We're not on mall property. Randy: Well, you're about to be. Shopper 6: Well, what if we just walk really, really slow? [the crowd slows it's walk further, growls spread among them, as they start to resemble a White Walker's] Black Friday! Randy: You're gonna have to walk slower than that. You've got a while. Shopper 7: We can walk really slow. Look. [the shoppers start to shamble and quietly moan in a full parody of a White Walker army] Randy: Smartasses. [turns around and goes inside the mall] Scene Description: The Garden of Andros, day. Cartman and Butters walk along the familiar path Cartman: Paladin Butters, I was hoping I could talk to you about Lady McCormick. Butters: You mean Princess Kenny, m'lord? Cartman: Yeah, whatever. The little prick thinks he's Daenerys Targaryen. I need to know how to deal with him. [picks a rose out for Butters, just as he did for Kenny before.] How do they deal with the Queen of Dragons in Game of Thrones? Butters: They don't! Cartman: Well did you finish watching Season 3 like I asked you? Butters: Yeah, I finished it! Cartman: So what happens when the dragons show up? Butters: Nothing! The dragons are just still on their way! They keep promising dragons, but all I get are more floppy wieners in my face! Cartman: Butter-Butters! The key to our victory is following the Game of Thrones model exactly. I have to know what happens when the dragons show up so I know how to deal with Kenny. Butters: Wha-what do you want me to do? Cartman: Here's two bus tickets to New Mexico. I want you to take Sir Scott Malkinson and go seek out George R. R. Martin for answers. Butters: Who's George R. R. Martin? Cartman: He's the guy who writes Game of Thrones, Butters! He can let us both know how to handle Kenny, and if we should betray Clyde or not. Let's face it, Butters, this is really about you and me getting XBoxes. The rest are simply there to help us get through those doors. Thompson: Hey! I told you kids to stay out of my damn yard! Cartman: [shoots back] Do you mind?! We're trying to talk here! Thompson: Yeah?! Well how come every time you talk to somebody, it's about betraying somebody else?! Cartman: Why don't you mind your own business?! Scene Description: Microsoft headquarters, night. Steve Ballmer is on the phone. Ballmer: No. Listen, for the last time, we don't have any dragons to send them. If some people wanna choose PlayStations, it's their choice. [a knock is heard] Secretary: Sir, Mr. Gates is here. Ballmer: Bill Gates? [to the caller] Uh, I gotta go. [hangs up, rises from his seat, goes around the desk, and greets Bill Gates] Hey heeey! Bill Gates actually showing up at Corporate. Gates: [shaking hands] Hey Steve, how're you doin'? Ballmer: Not bad, you know? Just tryin' to get this next gen press stuff handled. Gates: I heard there's a little trouble in uh, Colorado somewhere? Ballmer: Oh it's- no, it turns out it was nothing, just some kids tryin' to turn the console wars into somethin' bigger. Gates: Oh my gosh. You know, when I uh... stepped down and left you in charge of the company, Steve uh, I knew there might be some challenges for you. Ballmer: Yeah, well, nothin' I can't handle. [a man dressed in black appears behind him] There might be some changes we need to make to our marketing, but I'm optimistic. [the man approaches Steve.] Gates: Uh huh. Ballmer: You know, I think we'll ultimately sell the number of units we want to. [the man takes out a dagger and gets closer] Gates: You're right, Steve. Some changes do need to be made. [the hitman reaches around and stabs Ballmer through the chest and drags the dagger to the right, cutting open Ballmer's chest even more. Ballmer cries out, but is choking in his blood. Ballmer steps backwards and falls on his back gasping for air. Gates takes a glass of wine to a sofa and sits down to look at Ballmer] Do you know what weakness is, Steve? Weakness is believing that competition is healthy. See, there was a time when XBoxes and PlayStations could both survive in this world, but that time's done. It's all headed to one device that people game on, watch TV on, socialize on. There's only going to be one winner. I can't have you idiots throwing away everything I worked so hard to achieve. [Ballmer takes his last gasps as Gates walks out of the CEO's office. Gates addresses Ballmer's men] Clean that shit up. Scene Description: New Mexico, evening. Butters and Scott are walking down a street. Butters checks a map for George R. R. Martin's address Butters: Well come on, Scott. You're lagging. Scott: I think my insulin's low. I need to eat. Butters: Let's just talk to this guy, and then we can hit a McDonald's. Oh here we go. 2217. [Butters and Scott stand in front of a mansion gate somewhere in the Southwest. Cacti abound on either side of the high fence. Butters reaches up and presses a buzzer] Butler: [through the intercom] Can I help you? Butters: Hello? Is this George R. R. Martin's house? Butler: Who is this, please? Butters: Uhhhh, it's two kids who want to know what happens when the dragons show up? [two seconds of silence] Hello? Butler: I'm sorry, but Mr. Martin does not see fans. Butters: We're not fans! Scott: Yeah, we don't like it! Butters: We don't like it! And I'm pretty pissed off, if you wanna know the truth! Butler: About what? Butters: Let me talk to George R. R. Martin, and I'll tell him about what! [the buzzer sounds again and the gates open. Butters and Scott go inside and towards the front door. George R. R. Martin steps outside to greet them] George R. R. Martin: It's the Red Wedding, isn't it? You hate how I killed everyone off? Butters: Uh no sir, we just really need to know about the dragons, but they never seem to show up. George R. R. Martin: Oh they're coming. The dragons are on their way. Butters: When? George R. R. Martin: You really wanna know? Butters: [sternly] Please. It's urgent. George R. R. Martin: Alright, King Joffrey is still at King's Landing, but there's a young blacksmith who wakes up one morning with a plan. And His wiener gently hangs down between his legs. Soft and flaccid, his wiener glistened in the golden sunlight. Butters: No, uhno, can we skip the wiener stuff and just get to the dragons? Scott: Aw shit, I think I'm-I think I'm going to faint. Butters: Uh what's the matter, Scott? Scott: I told you I have to eat every two hours. Butters: He's diabetic. George R. R. Martin: Oh Jeez, uh, why don't you kids come out from the cold? I'll order some pizzas. Butters: Oh. Okay, thanks. George R. R. Martin: Come on in! I'll tell you everything that's gonna happen in Game of Thrones. [leads the boys inside] Scene Description: The Garden of Andros, day. Cartman and Kyle walk along the familiar path Cartman: Sir Kyle, I wanted to talk to you about Stan. Kyle: If you want to make sure I'm not switching sides, Cartman, you don't have to worry. Stan is wrong. Cartman: It isn't that. Princess Kenny is loved by her army [picks a rose out for Kyle], but Stan is still the nuts and ball of her operation. [Kyle sniffs the rose] It would be a huge setback to the traitors getting their PlayStations if Stan were to be... [stops] grounded? Kyle: Grounded? For what? Cartman: That could be up to you. Kyle: No, Cartman. You said nobody will have to be grounded. We're not playing dirty! Cartman: Fine, Sir Kyle. Perhaps you're right. [begins walking] Did you know that Stan's dad is working a temp job as mall security? Kyle: What? Cartman: Seems a little convenient, doesn't it? [stops and faces Kyle] Stan with somebody on the inside to help him get his PS4s. Who's playing dirty now? Let's face it, Sir Kyle, this is really about you and me getting XBoxes. The rest are simply there to help us get through those doors. Thompson: Don't believe it! [Cartman and Kyle look at Thompson] He said that to a bunch of people! Cartman: Dude, you'd better stop harassing me or I'm callin' the cops! Thompson: You're callin' the cops?! Cartman: Yeah! Thompson: You're on my property! I'm callin' the cops! Cartman: Well go ahead! Call the fuckin' cops then! Scene Description: A bedroom, night. A couple is having sex in it. As the camera pans right, it reveals whom the couple is - the Channel 9 news team. Niles appears at the door with a microphone in hand. He clears his throat Tom: [startled] Oh oh! [calms down] Oh, it's you. Niles: Tom, I'm standing in your doorway because we have a hot news story to report. Tammy: We don't go to work for another hour. Niles: [walks to the foot of the bed] We just got a call from Bill Gates. [sits down] He says he can promise us a bigger war on Black Friday if we play along. Tammy: He wants us to side with him? Niles: That's right, Tammy. Let's not forget that having a bloodbath on Black Friday is good for the news. It's good for us. The bigger, the better. Tom: Our job is to report the news, not make it more violent! Niles: Right, Tom. Because you're sooo about integrity. Let's go. [stands up and walks to the doorway, then turns around] Or maybe I should let everyone in the newsroom know what their two anchors are up to! Back to you! Scene Description: Channel 9 Morning News, with Tom and Tammy Thompson Announcer: It's the morning news, with Tom and Tammy Thompson. Colorado's top-rated brother-sister news team. Tom: Well Black Friday is just around the corner and Tammy, it's getting fierce out there. Tammy: That's right, and Niles Lawson is out at the mall with a little holiday surprise. Niles: Tammy, the excitement over Black Friday is peaking, and none other than Bill Gates himself has shown up to try to make it even bigger. [Bill Gates appears] Gates: That's right. We just wanna do whatever we can to help our supporters get their XBoxes at incredible deals on Friday, so we've come to offer swords and battle axes, whatever the kids can carry to help them fight their way through the other shoppers. Niles: We understand that you've donated some guns to the kids as well. Gates: Yes, but we are limiting it to one per XBox follower,, because of course, the key thing here on everyone's mind is safety. Scene Description: The neighborhood. The XBox army marches down the street, with Cartman being borne on a litter by several boys. Some of the bearers are Clyde and Kevin. One of the Federation members, dressed as Geordi La Forge, is indeed carrying a gun. The army approaches Kenny's house, and Token knocks on the door Mrs. McCormick: [answers the door] Yes? Cartman: Hi, is Kenny home? Mrs. McCormick: Uh, yeah, Kenny's out back playing with his friends. Cartman: Forward, men! [the bearers try to fit Cartman through the door, but they can't fir through. First they run into the door frame on the left side] That, no- [then on the right] No, you- You've gotta turn me. [the bearers tilt the litter some seventy degrees without Cartman falling off and finally fit through the door.] Scene Description: Kenny's backyard. The PS4 army is there, practicing Jimmy: It's the enemy! Defensive po-po-p-po-p-positions! [other soldiers rally] Other kids: Protect the Princess! Kill 'em! Kill 'em! Get out! Cartman: I seek audience with the traitor, Lady McCormick? Stan: Let them pass! [the PS4 army makes way for the XBox army. Cartman is carried over to Kenny's throne] Kenny: (Welcome to my kingdom, Sir Eric. Please, state your purpose.) Stan: [translating] The Princess bids your fat ass welcome to her kingdom and suggests you state your purpose. [Kenny plays with the hair on his wig] Cartman: You can't win this, guys. Look around you. Lay down your weapons, and you can come back and fight for XBoxes with us on Black Friday. Kenny: (You can change your mind instead of fighting us on Friday.) Stan: The Princess says that if you wanna change your mind and agree that Playstations are better, she'll consider it. Cartman: Kenny, we all understand wanting to play as the chick once in a while, 'kay? But you are never going to be a real princess! Kenny: (What?!) [fans himself] (Oh, the nerve! How insensitive of you, you cock-sucking faggot!) Stan: The Princess calls you a ball-licking lesbian. Cartman: That doesn't even make sense. Kyle: [steps forward] Stan, this has gone too far. People are going to get hurt. What you started is way out of control. Stan: What I started? How dare you! Kyle: All these people are going to be gaming on XBox. You really wanna just game with Craig the rest of your life? Stan: I would rather game with Craig than spend one minute having to set up an XBox Live account! We will get our PlayStations tomorrow, and you buttholes will have nothing! Cartman: You're outnumbered ten to one, and there's no time left! How will you win?! [Stan and Kenny look at each other, then Stan thinks a minute] Stan: The gods will find us a way! Scene Description: George R. R. Martin's living room, later. He's expounding on the Game of Thrones... George R. R. Martin: So then Samwell Tarly sees the army approaching, and his wiener is about this big. [about 18 inches, by his estimate. Butters is losing patience as Scott fades] He knows that Stannis Baratheon's wiener is probably shriveled from the cold. Samwell has to rally his men, so what does he do? He takes out his wiener [unzips his pants and demonstrates his story] and he dangles it around for all his men to see. [shakes his hips and pretends his wiener is a bell] Scott: AAAH! [turns away for a moment] Butters: OOAH! Uh, sir, you said pizzas were coming! George R. R. Martin: Yeah yeah, they're on their way. They're still coming. So Samwell's wiener goes [shakes his hips around as if his wiener were a bell and makes sounds for it] Butters: But you said they were on their way like three hours ago! [Scott had said he needs to eat every two hours] Scott: If I don't get pizza soon, I'm goin' to pass out. George R. R. Martin: [zips up] Don't worry. They're coming. Pizzas are on their way. They're gonna be amazing. [picks up where he was interrupted] Now, John Snow finally faces Jaime Lannister, and this guy's wiener is, you know, huge, right? So it's not goin' to be easy. Scott: Ehhh... Scene Description: The Garden of Andros, day. Cartman is back with another partner in crime Cartman: Mr. Gates, I was hoping I could talk to you about the fight on Friday. Gates: Certainly. Uh, Eric, right? Cartman: Uhh, it's my Lord Wizard King, actually. Having your leadership has certainly been a help. [picks another yellow rose for Gates] But I hope that we're clear that this is my army. [hands the rose to him. Gates sniffs it] There can only be one person of royalty; that's kind of the rules. Gates: Oh I certainly don't wanna step on your toes. Don't worry, I'm quite good at letting my CEOs do what they want. Cartman: Your CEOs? Gates: Let's face it, this is really just about you and me getting XBoxes. The rest are simply there to help us get through those doors. Cartman: Uhhh, hmmm. What? Thompson: [from his bedroom window] Hahaa! How's it feel?! Now who's walking who through the betrayal garden?! Cartman: Why don't you stay the fuck out of my business?! Thompson: Why don't you stay the fuck out of my yard?! [slams his window shut] Scene Description: Sony Headquarters, Japan, night. The President of Sony is on top of someone, giving it to them, but that person is silent. President: Ish, ish, ish, o-ish, haishooo! [quickly sits up to deliver the final thrust, then collapses onto his bed. He then rolls over on his back, revealing whom he was having sex with] Niles: [with mic in hand] That was amazing sex. I enjoyed it immensely. How about you? President: [gets a cigarette and lights it.] Tanoshikatta ne. (Yeah, it was fun.) Niles: You know, Microsoft has given kids who want XBoxes on Black Friday a lot of support. Seems a shame that the fight will be so one-sided. President: Eh? Nani kore, tsukareta yo. (What? I'm tired!) Niles: Black Friday is about to happen and it's not even gonna be a fight. That's bad for both of us. There must be something you can give to kids who want Sonys to make the fight more even. President: Hai. ["Yes." He reaches over to his left and grabs a box] Kore ga arimasu. ["Here it is" He opens the box and something begins to glow inside] Niles: [leans in to see what it is] Yes, I think that will do nicely. Scene Description: GRRM's Santa Fe mansion. He's now poised to be conductor. He taps his music stand with the conductor's stick. The scene changes to show a chorus of 10 white, middle-aged men in red-sashed, black, concert tuxedos holding musical scores and standing on double row of concert risers facing GRRM. They begin singing Chorus: [Classical men's ensemble singing in musical round style, as GRRM conducts.] Wiener, wiener wiener, wiener wiener [continues in background] Soloist: One wiener, next to another wiener Chorus: Wiener, wiener wiener, wiener wiener [continues in background] Soloist: Two wieners alongside yet another wiener Chorus: Party, wiener party, wiener party, party party, wiener party, wiener wiener [continues in background] Soloist: Soft wieners, nice and soft, non-erect wieners! Chorus: Keep them flopping, flopping wieners, floppy floppy, dangle wieners, dangle dangle [continues in background] Soloist: Five wieners in my face Scott: Stop! Stop please! I can't take any more! [Chorus is silent] George R. R. Martin: But this is the best part. Right before King Joffrey gets poisoned, everyone flaps their wieners all around his face. Scott: Jeaaaaah! Butters: [gets off the sofa] Listen, buddy! You promised that pizzas were on the way! If they don't show up right now, you're gonna have a dead kid in your hands! Do you hear me?! George R. R. Martin: Okay, okay, fine fine. What kind of pizzas do you want? Butters: What kind do we want?! Scott: He hasn't even ordered the pizzas yet! George R. R. Martin: Don't worry! They're coming! Not just two pizzas, there's, there's gonna be five! And they're gonna be huge! You won't believe it! Butters: Come on, Scott! We're leaving! [helps Scott off the sofa, and they're about to leave] George R. R. Martin: Wait, I haven't told you what happens yet! Butters: NO! Black Friday is about to happen, and my friends and I have to be the first ones inside the mall to get XBoxes! George R. R. Martin: Well why didn't you say so? I can help with that. Butters: Whatoyou mean? George R. R. Martin: I'll make some calls. I know a way to make sure you're completely prepared for Black Friday! [starts dialing] Scene Description: Kenny's backyard. The PS4 army is at attention. The Sony President and his chief officers are there. The President presents the box to Kenny President: Sony PS4 no urazuke. Zenbu. Domo sumimasen. ["For your support of the Sony PS4, I would like to extend my sincere gratitude to all of you"] Aide: The President of Sony bids you thanks for all your support of the PS4. President: Sore kara kono gifuto de Princess no Pawaa agemashou ["After that, let us give you this gift, the Power of the Princess"] Aide: He offers you this gift to once and for all make you an official Princess, and to give you the powers you need to win this war on Black Friday. [The president kneels, opens the box, and shows off the brooch resting within it. Kenny leaves the throne and takes the brooch from its box] President: Ima kara ["From now on"]... Princess Kenny! Craig: Wow, Kenny's a Japanese princess. Kenny: (Wooo!) [as J-pop music plays, Kenny's backyard is transformed. The makeshift thrown becomes a gazebo with a unicorn bust on top, Kenny gets a magical girl look, with big anime eyes, and gets the power of the rainbow, with bubbles, etc. He gets a pet unicorn. The whole scene could be an intro for a Princess Kenny show.] Scene Description: South Park Mall, night. The 'White Walker' crowd is beginning to cross the street Guard 9: Oh God. We're done for! Randy: My friends, the time is almost here. Let us face these shoppers with the bravery of those mall security officers before us. [his phone rings and he picks up] Commander Marsh. ... They're what? ... They're gonna what?! Scene Description: Outside the mall. The 'Walker' crowd army is closing in on the entrance. Channel 9 News is on the scene Niles: Tom, we have breaking news from the South Park mall. In an effort to make sure everyone is prepared, the mall has decided to push Black Friday by one week! Crowd: [turns and looks at him] What? Niles: The genius idea was proposed by George R. R. Martin, who also suggested "Fuck it, let's push Thanksgiving to December 3rd." For pushing the date, the mall is now reducing Black Friday prices to 96% off to the first hundred people inside the mall! [the shoppers begin to fight each other] This is going to be a fucking bloodbath, Tom. There will be medical tents, ambulances, face-painting, no doubt a lot of people you know and love are going to die! [an elderly man holding up a 96% off flier lets out a dragon's roar]

Scene Description: Previously on South Park. Some clips of the previous episodes are shown as a summary. A clip featuring the Canadian Minister of Health is included just for kicks. The intro follows, with the Wiener song from last episode playing. Then follows the Princess Kenny Japanese anime-style animation. The segment begins at Sony Headquarters. Three men are in the president's office. One looks out the window while the second talks to the president Exec. 1: Taihen! Mada Microsoft watashi no fune tomatteiru. ["Bad news! Microsoft is still stopping our ships."] Sony President: Sou ka... ["I see..."] Exec. 2: Sugu, funukenakereba narimasen. Kono Buraku Furaide sugu kuru. ["We must not back down this soon. Black Friday will soon arrive."] Sony President: Kore ga mondai desu ne? Ima Purincessu Kenni sugoi irimasu! ["This is a problem, right? I really need Princess Kenny now!"] Kenny: Tadaima! ["I'm back!"] Sony President: Oh! Kenny: Purincessu Kenni reporuto! ["Princess Kenny reporting!"] Exec. 1: Ah! Ikimashita! [His eyes change to loving hearts icons-"Ah! He has arrived!"] Exec. 2: Kawaii na, Purincessu Kenni. ["Princess Kenny is so cute."] Exec. 1: Un ["Yup."] Sony President: Hayai de! Purincessu Kennu, arigato! Mondai dayo: XBokusu saisho no Bill Gates watashi no PS4 shipment tomatteimasu! ["That was quick. Thank you, Princess Kenny. We have a problem: XBox's president Bill Gates is stopping the shipment of the PS4!"] Kenny: Hai, Purincessu Kenni assisuto! ["Yessir! Princess Kenny will assist!"] Scene Description: At sea, day. A Sony cargo ship is stopped in its tracks by three smaller Microsoft ships Captain: Baka! Kora wa sugoi cheating desu! ["Idiot! This is amazing cheating!"] Deckhand: [points to the sky] Ara! Purincessu Kenni! ["Look! Princess Kenny!"] Kenny: Minna-san! Kenni kimasu! ["Everyone, Kenny has arrived"] Deckhand: [elated] Aaaaah! [His eyes become loving stars] Scene Description: Return to normal South Park animation style and open on XBox Army headquarters, day. Cartman is in a lawn chair talking to Kyle and Clyde. He's not pleased with what he's hearing. Cartman: [nose in left hand] He did what?? He flew down in a parachute and he what?? Clyde: Apparently, he stopped Microsoft from blockading the shipment of PS4s to the mall. Looks like he's all over the place winning the console wars for Sony. Cartman: Because, because what? Because he's cute? Kyle: Cartman, he's got everyone on Sony's side. We can't stop him! Cartman: But what does he do besides that he's cute?! Liane: [appears in the sliding door] Sweetie, Bill Gates is on the phone for you. Cartman: Tell Bill Gates to suck my ass, Mom! [she turns around and goes back inside. Cartman reconsiders] Mom? [she looks back at him] Don't seriously tell Bill Gates to suck my ass. Tell him everything's cool and I'll call him in a little bit. [she walks out of view] Kyle: This would have never happened if you would have let Kenny be a princess in the first place! Cartman: He's not a princess, he's a DUDE! Kyle: Well, unfortunately for us, he's now on the other side! We are out of options! Cartman: So what are you saying, Kyle?! Kyle: I have an idea. [turns around and walks off a bit] I don't like it, but I think it's the only choice we have. Scene Description: South Park Mall, night. A huge crowd of people waits to get in, and minor scuffles pop up from time to time. Niles reports Niles: Tom, Black Friday is finally almost here, and as you can see behind me, holiday shoppers are really getting antsy. People have been waiting out here since midnight on Thanksgiving. They're cold, they're starving, and there's already been a lot of blood shed over these holiday deals. Joining me now is Rick Tellmore, [balding shopper] who's been out here for six days, and your five year old son was eaten. Is that correct? Rick: Yes, yes that's right, we had to eat him. We were all sort of starving out here, so we drew straws, and he drew the shortest one. Niles: What is it you're hoping to get when Black Friday does finally start? Rick: A a Blu-ray player. Ninety-six percent off, it's gonna be about 20 bucks. Niles: Now, some people might say that eating your child is not very Christmasy. What would you say to them? Rick: [thinks a long time] Iiii... ate my son for a Blu-ray play-er With a ho ho ho and a jingle jingle jang-le My son got ate and it tasted good ho ho jingle jingle ho ho! [as Niles speaks, he moves off, singing] Ho ho jingle jing-le Jingle jingle jang-le Jingle jingle jingle ho ho! Niles: No doubt Christmas is alive and well at the South Park Mall. Back to you, Tom. Scene Description: PS4 Army's medieval tent headquarters, day. Stan looks over a crude, cardboard, scale model of the mall, with troop locations indicated by Lego men Stan: Alright, guys, here's the deal: the main entrance to the mall is already blocked by thousands of waiting shoppers. The kids who want XBoxes plan to flank from the left, here. [points to the location] Our best chance of being first inside is finding a way to the mall's back entrance, here. [points to a location outside cardboard Red Robin] Craig: At Red Robin? Jimmy: That's right. Red Robin has doors on the inside that go right out into the mall. Stan: The key to us being the first ones inside is taking over the Red Robin before Black Friday starts. Craig: So how do we take over Black Robin? Stan: I have no idea. Pete: [appearing at the tent's entrance] Hey uh, excuse me? Stan: Yes? Pete: The uh, XBox fighters are here and they say they wanna switch sides? Stan: What? [moments later, outside, Stan walks towards Cartman as the two armies face each other] Kyle: Go ahead and tell him, Cartman. Cartman: Alright. on behalf of the XBox fighters of Zaron we hereby lay down our arms and give up, okay? Craig: Haha. Cartman: Shut up, Craig! This is very difficult! You guys win, alright?! We'll all play on PlayStation 4s! We still think XBox is the superior machine, but you got too many people on your side, and then Kenny became a Japanese princess. Clyde: Nobody saw that coming. Kyle: Look, the truth is, we all have a bigger problem now, and you know it. Nobody is going to get anything if we don't work together against those thousands of other shoppers. Stan: So, better a PS4 than nothing, is that it? I think we'll take our chances on our own. [turns around and walks away] Cartman: We know a way inside the Red Robin. [this stops Stan, Jimmy and Craig] You don't think you're the only ones that thought of it. We were going to use the Red Robin entrance too, and we figured out how. Kyle: Red Robin can be rented out, for wedding parties. If we all chip in we can pay for the deposit to have the wedding party there. Craig: Hey, that could work. Kyle: Let's do this together, dude. [Stan turns around and goes back] Our only shot at playing any next-gen console is by teaming up. If you wanna game on a PS4, then I do too. Stan: And you swear you'll be okay with that? You won't talk about the XBox being better ever again? Kyle: [pledges with his right hand up and puts his left hand behind his back] I swear, Stan. Stan: [turns around] Alright, guys. Looks like we have a wedding to plan. [as he walks away with Jimmy and Craig, the camera reveals that Kyle had his fingers on the hand behind his back crossed during the swear.] Scene Description: Switch to Princess Kenny anime-style animation. Sony headquarters, day. Sony President: Taihen. Kono console warusu mada owaranai. ["This is bad! These console wars aren't over yet."] Exec. 3: Sou desu ["That's right"] Sony President: Un? ["Oh?"] Exec. 3: [holds up a chart showing the projected sales of XBox and PS4 in Japan] XBox to Sony PS4 neku ando neku desu. ["The XBox and Sony PS4 are neck and neck."] Kenny: Minna-san, ii yo. Purincessu Kenni ganbaru. ["Everyone, its alright. Princess Kenny will give it her all."] Secretary 1: Kenni-chan, shitsure desu kedo. Wedding invitation kimashita. ["Kenny-chan, sorry to interrupt, but a wedding invitation has arrived."] Kenny: Ha? Ueddingu? ["Huh? Wedding?" Kenny reads the front of the invitation: "You are invited to a wedding at Red Robin"] Cartman: [Cartman's portrait, anime-style with a beard, voices over as Kenny reads the note inside the invitation.] Kenny-chan, please come home at once. Our two houses have found peace. Come to the Red Robin wedding, and we will accept you as the princess you are. Yours truly, the Wizard King. Kenny: Waaah? Sugoi-chan. ["What? Sweet!"] Exec. 1: Purincessu Kenni ueddingu irimasu ne? ["Princess Kenny is going to be in a wedding, right?"] Exec. 2: Un. ["Yeah."] Sony President: Purincessu Kenni, honto ni zenbu arigato ["Princess Kenny, thanks so much for everything."] Exec. 1: Ki o tsukete, Kenni-chan ["Take care, Kenny-chan!"] Exec. 2: Purincessu Kenni, sayonara! ["Goodbye, Princess Kenny!" They all bow] Kenny: Minna-san, sayonara! Ima, Purincessu Kenni tomodachi ni kaerimasu! ["Goodbye, everyone! Princess Kenny is going back home to her friends!" Kenny jumps out the window... and drops straight down. She crashes into the street below and leaves a big puddle of blood] Man: Eh?! Exec. 1: Nande koto! Purincessu Kenni koroshita! ["Oh my God! It killed Princess Kenny!"] Exec. 2: Honto! Purincessu Kenni shindeitta! ["It's true! Princess Kenny is dead!"] Exec. 1: Horaa! ["Look!"] Kenny: [gets up and dusts himself off, then floats in the air] Purincessu Kenni daijobu dayo! ["Princess Kenny is fine!"] The office: Ahh, kawaii! [The men's eyes turn to hearts, the women's to happy upside-down U's-"Ahh, how cute!"] Scene Description: Return to normal animation style. The Garden of Andros, yet again. Cartman walks with Stan now. Cartman: Sir Stan, I was hoping I could talk to you about the wedding. Stan: Yeah, sure, what about it? Cartman: I think it's best that when the time comes for the mall to open, we should stay back a bit from the doors. [reaches out for a yellow rose] Stan: Why? Cartman: Well, think about it. [hands the rose to Stan, who takes it] The first people inside are gonna have to take on the brunt of the holiday shoppers from the main entrance. It's best we let Butters and Scott Malkinson go first. While they fight, we can simply slip on by. Stan: Oh, okay I guess that makes sense, but... Butters and Scott won't be able to get their PS4s. Cartman: Yes, that's true, but, let's face Sir Stan. This is all about you and me getting PlayStations. The rest are simply there to help us... get through- Thompson: He's lying to you! [Cartman gets annoyed, and he and Stan look at Thompson] They're just acting like they've given up, but it's a double-bluff! Cartman: Dude! Dude! Thompson: They're gonna betray you at the Red Robin wedding! He got the idea watching Game of Thrones! Cartman: Dude, shut the fuck up! Stan: Who is that? Cartman: He's just this old crazy guy who gets pissed off because I'm in his garden all the time. Thompson: They're gonna lock you in! Cartman: God damn it, shut up! Thompson: He talked about it in my garden to like three other people! They're gonna lock you in the Red Robin and go get all the XBoxes! That's why he wants you to stay back from the doors! Cartman: Well why don't you just tell the whole world everything, huh?! Why don't you tell everyone what Prometheus was about while you're at it?! Stan: Did Kyle know about this? Cartman: Dude, we're not gonna betray you. Come on! Did you see Prometheus? I don't think the writers even knew what that was about. Stan: Did Kyle know about this?! Cartman: [sighs] Kyle thought of it. [Stan bolts out of there] Stan, dude, hold on! XBox One is fuckin' sweet, dude! [with Stan not returning, Cartman looks at Thompson] You're a fuckin' asshole! Thompson: Fuck you, get out of my garden! Cartman: I'll shit in your fuckin' garden! Thompson: Go fuck yourself! [slams his bedroom window shut] Scene Description: Channel 9 News Tammy: Well, the wait is over and Black Friday is finally here. Tom: Niles Lawson is at the scene, and it's about time, Niles. Niles: That's right Tom. Mall officials have said they are ready, and doors will open as soon as their guest of honor cuts the ceremonial red ribbon. [shown] This year's ribbon cutter is of course George R. R. Martin, who um, doesn't appear to have shown up yet, [a real-life photo of George R. R. Martin is shown] but uhh, says he is on his way. Just like the dragons and zombies in his novels, he is on his way. Scene Description: Sure enough, two horses run through frozen New Mexico. One carries George R. R. Martin, the other carries Butters and Scott, who has passed out from lack of eating Butters: Now just hold on a minute! Well I'm pretty darned sure the fastest way back to Colorado isn't on horseback! George R. R. Martin: That may be true, but horses have one quality that is unmatched by any other mode of transportation. Butters: What's that? [looks around, than below, his horse] Awww! [horse is shown with a huge semi-hard penis.] Scene Description: Red Robin, day. As the boys and Red Robin workers go about preparing the restaurant for a wedding, Cartman talks to the manager. After hanging up a "Happy Wedding" banner, Clyde and Craig come down some ladders Cartman: Okay, cool, could we set up the two long tables here, like, facing each other, and then another one for the bride and groom back there? Manager: Uh, I heard a rumor. May I ask, who is it that's getting married? Cartman: Oh uum, Tom Hanks aaand Beyoncé. Manager: It's, it's real? It's for real? Oho my God, I love them! Cartman: Yesh, kewl. Manager: So Beyoncé is not with Jay-Z anymore? Cartman: Well, clearly she wouldn't be marrying Tom Hanks at Red Robin if she was. Manager: Uh, guys, guys, not those tables. Get the good tables. This is VIP, okay? Cartman: Has anyone heard from Butters and Scott Malkinson? The fuck are they? Kyle: [rushes up] Cartman, Cartman! I heard that Stan somehow found out about our plan! Cartman: Yes, he did. Kyle: Well what the hell are you doing?! This isn't gonna work now! Cartman: [shushes Kyle up and walks him a few steps] It's fine, Kyle. Everything's been taken care of. Stan won't be telling anybody anything... ever again. Kyle: [getting alarmed] What the hell did you do?? Cartman: What had to be done so that we can play our games on XBoxes, Kyle! Kyle: No. Tell me you didn't! Scene Description: Stan's house, evening. Sharon takes Kyle up to Stan's room and briefs him on Stan's trouble Sharon: He's not allowed to come out of his room, so you can talk to him through the door. Kyle: Thanks, Mrs. Marsh. Sharon: And keep it short. He's in real trouble. He defecated in a nice old man's garden. Kyle: Ok-okay. [watches her leave, walks over to Stan's door and knocks] Stan? Stan? Stan: [startled out of his sleep] Huh? Hello? Who is that? [next to him is a glass of milk, a sandwich with a bite in it, and a tin cup] Kyle: Stan, it's me. Stan: Get out of here! Kyle: Dude, I know you're pissed at me right now. You've gotta understand that I did it because I know in my heart that the XBox is better, for all of us. Stan: You completely betrayed the last bit of friendship we still had. Kyle: You weren't playing fair, dude. Getting your dad to work part time at the mall wasn't fair. Stan: [stands and turns to address Kyle] I didn't even know he was working at the mall, Kyle! Kyle: You didn't? Stan: ...But you couldn't just ask me. Because XBox people... don't care about the truth. They just care about seamless multimedia connectivity. Kyle: I'm sorry, Stan. I'm sorry. This whole war has just got us all so screwed up. I just want us to be playing Call of Duty on the right machine. Stan: You don't understand. I'm never playing Call of Duty with you again. Kyle: [lets his head fall on the door] Stan, don't say that. Stan: Get out of here! I'm done with you! [grabs the tin cup and raps it against his bedroom 'jail cell' door as in classic prison movies] Mom! Mom! [Kyle stands up straight] Get him out of here! [Sharon arrives, and Kyle back away from the door] Get him out! [Kyle leaves] Scene Description: Inside the currently empty South Park Mall atrium, night. Randy addresses the other guards Randy: Now listen up: there are only eight of us now. Peterson was a great guy, and he did not deserve to get beheaded like that. Now I don't know about you, but I am sick and tired of getting to know people here, getting invested in their personalities and their back stories, and then having them die! [points to the main entrance] When those doors open, we all stick together! If anyone panics, it puts us all at risk! [a blond guard begins to weep] Stay tough, rookie. Guard 6: We're not gonna make it, sir. Randy: We're gonna make it! You've got a newborn little girl who needs her daddy to make it! I'm not going to let you die, okay?! Guard 6: Okay. Randy: OKAY?! Guard 6: Yes sir! Yes sir. Randy: Not one more good person dies on my watch! [all of a sudden, shoppers break through the skylight on the upper level] Guard 3: Oh my God! Guard 8: They're comin' in through the roof! Guard 6: [begins to back away] I can't do this! I'm sorry! I can't do this! [runs off, and now there are seven] Randy: Stay at your post! [an arrow pierces the fleeing guard's back right chest. Randy is shown again, holding the bow from which the arrow came] Nooo! NOOO! EVERYBODY REALLY LIKED HIM!! NOOO! Scene Description: South Park Mall, day. A helicopter shot of the crowd outside the mall. Niles: Here we go, Tom. George R. R. Martin has finally arrived to cut the red ribbon. [George R. R. Martin is shown behind the red ribbon with scissors in hand] George R. R. Martin: Ladies and gentlemen, it is my honor to be here this morning on behalf of South Park Mall Partners and channel 9 News, your go-to source for news, weather, and sports. Shopper 8: Just do it! [the shoppers in front crouch down, ready to run inside] George R. R. Martin: Very well. In the tradition of our ancestors, [lowers the scissors to a cutting position] let's bring in the holidays! [more jockeying for position. George R. R. Martin pulls up at the last moment and closes the scissors] But first, I'd like to share with you a few words about my wiener. Crowd: AAAWWWW!! [off to one side, where the crowd can't see, the Goth kids approach Red Robin] Manager: Hey, sorry guys. Red Robin is closed for a special event today. Pete: Yeah, we know. We're with the wedding. Manager: Oh great, go right on in. [smiles and lets them in] Scene Description: Red Robin, inside. The theme is medieval times, with the boys in costume. Both houses - House PS4 and House XBox - are present. Jimmy plays the flute while Craig accompanies him on tambourine in a medieval style song. Cartman: Everyone! Everyone, a Black Friday toast. How awesome that we are all friends again. Our two houses brought together. Soon we will all have our PlayStation 4s. [all cheer] And to you, my old friend, Princess Kenny. You really look stunning. No doubt the gods have smiled down upon your perky boobs. Kenny: (My boobs? You flatter me, Grand Wizard!) Cartman: Now, if you'll excuse my, my lady, I need to take a shit. [leaves the table and goes to the mall-side entrance, where Clyde is keeping watch] What have you found out? Clyde: The mall isn't open yet. They're waiting for George R. R. Martin to come cut the ribbon. Cartman: Oh okay, that could be a while. [turns away from the door] All our men are ready. When the mall opens, blow the whistle. We'll rush through the doors and lock the Sony dorks inside. Alright, now I really do need to take a shit. Scene Description: At the mall entrance... George R. R. Martin: O soft and pink with purple head.Gently you lay with me on my bed. Shopper 9: Get on with it, George R. R. Martin! [the rest of the crowd rallies behind him] George R. R. Martin: "Growl, growl" calls the wiener from on high A little tiny wiener, still so pleasing to the eye. Shopper 10: Enough with the wieners already! Shopper 11: Yeah, come on! Scene Description: Back at Red Robin... Cartman is back from the restroom and looks over to the mall entrance Cartman: Clyde? Where the hell is Clyde? Clyde? Kyle: [approaches Cartman and Kenny's table] Princess Kenny, I believe it's time we returned the Wizard's hospitality! [the PS4 soldiers immediately brandish their weapons and aim them at the XBox soldiers. Tweek advances on Token with an armed bow. Kenny has his sword under Cartman's chin] Cartman: What the hell is this?! Kyle: I'm sorry, Cartman. There's been a little change in plans! Cartman: Sir Kyle, they're about to open the mall! What are you doing?! Kyle: I am no longer an XBox guy! I let my friend get grounded, but today I will give him a PlayStation! Cartman: Kyle, the PlayStation controller sucks and you know it! Kyle: The fight is over, Cartman! Gates: [walks into view] It's not over. Looks like I came just in time. Cartman: Oho! Bill Gates! Sweet! In your face, Kyle! Sony President: [walks into view and speaks in very thick accent] You will not interfere, Bill Gates! These-a children will get their PS4s! Kenny: (The Sony president's here too, desu ka? ["Is that the Sony president here, too?"]) Kyle: Wait a minute. Ha-how the hell did these two guys end up here? Cartman: They're not a part of your betrayal? Kyle: No. They're not a part of your betrayal? Cartman: No. Whose betrayal is this? [the sound of chains comes from the mall entrance - Stan locks the doors, then turns around] Stan: We're done with betrayals! It's time to put an end to this! Kyle: Stan? Scene Description: Inside the mall... Guard 3: Sir? Sir, Operations just said they need one of us to unlock the door to Red Robin to let some wedding party inside the mall! Randy: Screw them! They'll have to fend for themselves! Wait. Red Robin Wedding? Who's getting married?! Guard 3: Tom Hanks and Beyoncé. Randy: What?! Oh my God, everyone likes Tom Hanks and Beyoncé! [runs towards Red Robin] I've gotta save them! Scene Description: Back at Red Robin... Stan: I appreciate what you're trying to do, Kyle, but I have a better idea! This isn't our war, you guys! It never was. We've been pitted against each other by two companies for the sake of marketing. That's why they want lines around the block. [stops between the two presidents] Because they want a war to promote their products. They don't give a crap what kind of friendships they cost. You two want a war so bad? [throws his sword at the Sony president] Then you fucking fight! Sony President: Huh? [strokes the wooden sword] Sou...["I see..."] Gates: Then let's finish it! [begins to unbutton his shirt] You and me! Sony President: Ikimashou! ["Let's go!"] Gates: [now topless, he is fully covered in MS-13 gang tattoos. Prominent chest tattoo is "MS-DOS"] Winner take all! Cartman: Oh dude, this is pretty sweet. Sony President: Then let this be your last fight, Bill Gates. [Gates throws the first punch, then follows up with a few kicks. The Sony president comes back with a right hook. The kids look on in horror as the men fight unarmed. Butters finally shows up.] Butters: Hey, fellas. What did I miss? [smiles] Scene Description: At the main mall entrance, George R. R. Martin is still expounding on wieners George R. R. Martin: Look at this wiener. [unzips his pants] Judge it by its size?Rub it three times and it has a surprise. [Shopper 4 joins George R. R. Martin after George R. R. Martin exposes his penis and opens up a switchblade] Shopper 4: That's it! You're not delaying this anymore, you wiener-loving bitch! [slices off George R. R. Martin's penis and throws it into the crowd, which cheers wildly. Shopper 4 cuts the ribbon, and the crowd surges into the mall. The six remaining guards are powerless against the crowd] Guard 8: Happy holidays, Rick. [grabs Rick's hand and holds it as the crowd surges forward] Rick: And to you, my friend. [Utter chaos. The guards are overpowered and trampled on. The shoppers break into the stores, destroying windows and looting. One man dies impaled on a broken window. A lot of adults grab "Stop Touching Me Elmo"s] Shopper 12: Grab it Rebecca! Grab it [has her girl stretching out to grab an Elmo from the top shelf. Another woman comes up behind her and hits her with a bat, knocking the Elmo out of the girl's hands. The second woman is herself thrown into a shelf by a man.] Shopper 2: [Morbidly obese shopper throwing people out of her way left and right] Kiss my fat vagina! Shopper 13: [combat music starts in imitation of "Game of Thrones" credit music as shopper 13 competes with other shoppers to grab items from a cardboard box] Gimme that camera! Give it up! [live-action archived footage from a rush on Cabbage Patch Kids, and more from Walmart and Target] Randy: Get back! Get out of my way! [his phone rings and he answers it] Commander Marsh? Sharon: Did you know that your son is supposed to be grounded and he snuck out to go to Red Robin?! Randy: WHAT?? STAN'S IN THE RED ROBIN WEDDING TOO?? OH GOD, I REALLY CARE ABOUT HIM! Scene Description: Back at Red Robin, Bill Gates finishes off the Sony president with five head smashes into the ground. Gates: This... is over... Now... you die! {cracks the president's head open and creates a pool of blood, then throwing him into a wall for good measure. The president's brain is exposed. Tired and breathless, Gates walks over to a table and leans on it a little] It's over. Xbox... wins! [no one is happy about this.] Cartman: [flatly] Yay, XBox wins. Stan: [flatly] Yay. Randy: [unlocks the doors and opens them] Stan! You're alive! I saved you! [falls on to his knees] It's okay, Beyoncé! The fight's over! You can still shop! [falls over, exhausted] Gates: Go on, kids. [gasps] Go get your XBoxes. [the kids silently leave Red Robin. Music changes to a solo piano playing "Oh Christmas Tree" in imitation of "A Charlie Brown Christmas". Eleven of them walk through the mall, through a sea of bodies and blood, and up to the second floor on an escalator] Elmo: [on an adjacent escalator] Can Elmo smell your genitals? [the boys walk over to EVGames] EVGames clerk: [unscathed, despite the destruction to his shop] Happy holidays, guys. What can I interest ya in? [the shelf behind him, full of PS4s and XB1s, is surprisingly unscathed] Cartman: We'd like to get XBox Ones please. EVGames clerk: Good choice! [gives the boys a thumbs up] Scene Description: Channel 9 news report set in front of parking lot full of dead shoppers. "A Charlie Brown Christmas" piano music still underscores. Randy: [Silently carries a flat panel television past the mass of dead bodies.] Niles: Tom, the shopping frenzy is over, and it looks like Microsoft's new XBox One is this year's hot item. No doubt this will secure its place as the go-to next-gen console. Black Friday is over. There's been death, violence, horrible human behavior... and the big winner here, decidedly, is Channel 9 News. Scene Description: Cartman's house, afternoon. The eleven who went to EVGames - Timmy, Tweek, Craig, Clyde, Kenny, Token, Kyle, Butters, Jimmy, Cartman, Stan - and Scott are in the living room. Cartman and Stan are playing while the others are behind them, watching. Cartman: The interface is pretty cool. See, I told you guys, it's really a... it's a seamless interface. Stan: Yes, it is. Butters: The graphics are definitely like 10% better than the old XBox. Jimmy: Yeah that's that's that's pretty nice. [the game falls silent] Cartman: You guys wanna p-play outside or something? [the boys glance around at each other. Soon the sliding door opens and the boys walk out onto the back yard] Kyle: Cartman? Your side won, dude. Why are you so sad? Cartman: I just... I can't get the image of Bill Gates... bashing that guy's head apart out of my eyes. Stan: Yeah, I know what you mean. Well look, guys, XBox won the console wars, I mean, what are we gonna do? Not play video games? Cartman: The last two weeks we've been too busy to play video games and, look at what we did. There's been drama, action, romance... I mean honestly you guys, do we need video games to play? The boys: Yeah, you're right. You make a point. Cartman: Maybe we started to rely on Microsoft and Sony so much that we forgot that all we need to play are the simplest things. Like, like this. [grabs a stick from the ground] We could just play with this. Screw video games, dude! Who fuckin' needs them?! The boys: Yeah! Cartman: [holds the stick up high in the sun] Fuck 'em! Scene Description: Quick commercial. A box for The Stick of Truth appears onscreen Announcer: The South Park video game, coming to stores soon! Butters: [pops up onscreen] Yeah, and if you believe that I've got a big floppy wiener to dangle in your face!

Scene Description: South Park Elementary Gym, day. The cheerleaders are at practice Cheerleaders: Yeah, yeah, do we rock?! Yeah, yeah, take it to the top! Yeah, yeah, are we gonna stop?! No way! No way! Wendy: Cheer Squad roll call! [each cheerleader steps forward, announces her name, and steps back] Heidi: Heidi! Nichole: Nichole! Bebe: Bebe! Lola: Lola! Red: Red! Annie: Annie! Lisa: [slowly steps forward and speaks slowly] Lisa Berger. [this brings down the other cheerleaders] Annie: Oh God. Red: Here we go. Nichole: Ugh. Bebe: Can we maybe try one without Lisa Berger? Wendy: You guys, stop it! Okay, Lisa, that's great. But you need to have more confidence, okay? Lisa: But I'm the fat one. Wendy: What? Lisa: Every cheerleading squad has a fat ugly cheerleader and that's me. Wendy: See, that's the problem, Lisa. You have a bad self-image. Just project all your sassiness to all the boys out there, okay? Heidi: There's only one boy that Lisa cares about. Red: Yeah, Lisa has a crush on Butters. Lisa: Shut up! Wendy: But, Lisa, that's great! Have you told Butters that you like him? Lisa: No way. I, I'd just get made fun of. Wendy: Lisa, this is exactly what you need! Take Butters to see a movie or something! It'll do wonders for your confidence! Scene Description: The cafeteria, later. Kenny, Cartman, Tweek, Craig, Clyde, and Butters are seated at table, with Butters recounting something Butters: So then, ah, the fella with the mustache eats all the cupcakes, and the lady takes out a gun and puts it in his face and she says "I"- Lisa: Uh, excuse me. Butters? Butters: [confused for a moment, then looks over his left shoulder] Oh. Yes? Lisa: Um, well, I was just wondering if... [strokes her hair] maybe... [brings her arm down] you would like to go to a movie this weekend. Butters: Oh. Oh like a date? Oh no thanks, Lisa. I really appreciate the offer, but you're too fat for me. Lisa: [casts her eyes down] Okay, thanks. Butters: See ya, Lisa! [Esther overhears the conversation from the next table and looks over her shoulder at Butters] Craig: Haha, Butters got asked out by a fat girl. Clyde: At least she didn't try to sit on him. [the other boys at the table laugh, except Cartman] Cartman: You guys, come on. That's not kewl. You shouldn't rip on her because she's fat. You should rip on her 'cause she's ugly. Okay? She looks like someone hit her in the face with a hot shovel, and that's why she sucks, alright? Scene Description: The hallway, later. Butters is at his locker Butters: Camptown ladies sing this song, doo-da, doo-da. [Wendy comes to view at the end of the hall and spots him, then walks up to him] Camptown racetrack's five miles long Oh, de doo-da day. Oh- Wendy: [grabs his locker door and slams it shut] What the fuck is your problem?! Butters: Oh. Hey, Wendy. Wendy: Are you just an asshole?! Is that it?! Butters: Am I just an asshole? Wendy: Yeah! Butters: Well, m-no. I've got arms and legs; I've got everything. Wendy: Lisa Berger asked you out and you called her fat?! Do you have any idea how you made her feel?! She's a really nice girl! Butters: Ah, I think she's a nice girl too. She's just too big for me. Wendy: She's a little overweight, but that's pretty normal for a girl in the fourth grade! Butters: Well Kim Kardashian is skinny and she just had a baby! Wendy: What?! Butters: I'm sorry, Wendy, but I have a different standard when it comes to my women. [opens his locker again. On the door are several pinup posters of Kim Kardashian] I want a woman who takes care of herself and knows how to look good, who's got perfect skin and no splotches on her legs, and perfect everything. Wendy: [grabs the poster] This is a fantasy, you moron! You ever heard of Photoshop?! Kim Kardashian is a short, overweight woman who manipulates her image and makes average girls feel horrible about themselves! Butters: You're a liar! Wendy: Look it up, stupid! [crushes the poster into a wad] In real life, Kim Kardashian has the body of a hobbit! [throws the wadded-up poster to the floor and walks away. As Butters reaches for the poster, Wendy turns around] You're gonna be in real trouble when the teachers find out what you said to that poor girl! [turns around and goes around the corner. Butters unwads the poster] Scene Description: Mr. Mackey's office, later. Butters is in there with Mr. Mackey, crying. Wendy walks in a few seconds later Mr. Mackey: Uh, take a seat, Wendy. I guess some mean things were said and I need to get to the bottom of it. Wendy: [noticing Butters] Oh, good. Lisa Berger told on you? Good! Mr. Mackey: Uh no, Wendy, apparently, you called Butters' girlfriend a hobbit. Wendy: ...Are you serious? Butters: You did! You said Kim was short, fat, and hairy with big feet and she's a hobbit! Wendy: That's not his girlfriend! It's Kim Kardashian! Mr. Mackey: Uh, but, but, Wendy, Kim Kardashian is considered to be extremely beautiful, mkay? Wendy: Right, but she's not in real life. She's a hobbit. Butters: Oh, she said it again! Mr. Mackey: Now, Wendy, Kim might be, uh, full-figured, but a woman's outward appearance isn't all that matters, mkay?! Have you stopped to consider that maybe, just maybe, you're jel? Wendy: I'm not "jel", and I happen to be the biggest feminist at this school! Mr. Mackey: Uh that may be true, but there is a very fine line, Wendy, between being a feminist and being a hater, mkay? And you're gonna have to find that line because nobody likes a girl who's jelly! Scene Description: Room 7, later. Class is in session. Mr. Garrison stands before the class Mr. Garrison: Okay, kids, there have been some hurtful and hateful things being said around this school, and so we are gonna hear from a guest speaker. Here to explain why Kim Kardashian is not a hobbit, please welcome, Aquaman. [goes to his desk as Kanye West enters the room. The class claps] Kanye: Uh-huh. Uh-huh, that's right Cartman: [recognizing him] Uh oh. Kanye: [enunciating] Okay, first of all, I am NOT Aquaman, I am a recovering... gay fish. Yes, I have met Aquaman. I have hung out with Aquaman. But the only thing I have in common with Aquaman anymore is my love for the sea. [adjusting his pants] Now! [clears his throat] There have been malicious rumors, started at this elementary school, that my beautiful fiancée is a hobbit. That is not funny, and it is not true. [Wendy's eyes are glazing over] Alright?! Yes, Kim is heavier than most of her pictures show her to be. Yes, she gets her hair lasered off her body. Yes, she has a friend named Gandalf who happens to be a wizard. [finds himself trapped by that last statement, and backs up] I'm sorry, excuse me a minute. [calls Kim up and turns his back on the class...] Bitch, how are you not a hobbit again? Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah right. Right right right right right, yeah. Okay. Yep. Yep. Let me get- okay. Yep, I got it. Okay, love you too. [blows two quick kisses at the phone, hangs up, and turns to the class.] Okay, if my fiancée Kim... is... a hobbit, then how come... it uh how c- then, okay, if she's a hobbit, then how come she don't live in a hole in the ground? BOOOOOOM! All y'all just got lit up, cuz! She don't live in no hole in the ground, she lives in a big-ass mansion, with me, in her room, that is slightly below ground! So, you can... She, she is sexy, and womanly, and she smokes a pipe. She can blow them rings that go up over her head, and... Hold up.[calls Kim up again and turns his back on the class...] Bitch, you not a hobbit, right? ... No, I know, you just, you smoke that long pipe sometimes when you sit by the fire... Oh it's a- Oh, okay. Got it, got it- What do you call it? Yep. Yep, got it. Okay. Yep, love you too. [blows two quick kisses at the phone, hangs up, and turns to the class.] That is not a hobbit pipe, for your information! It is a personal oral humidifier to keep all the wrinkles around her mouth from showin'. So haha, all you haters, HA! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Butters walks down the hall when the computer lab door opens and Wendy peeks out Wendy: Butters. Butters, come here for a sec. Butters: Oh no, you don't, Wendy! You're not trappin' me inside the computer lab to beat me up! Wendy: Butters, will you please let me show you something, so we can put this behind us? Butters: Well, alright, but if you try to punch me, I'll scream! [she goes back inside, and Butters follows her in] Wendy: I want you to see just how easy this is so we can better understand each other. This is Lisa Berger's class photo, right? Butters: Okay. Wendy: Now, first thing we do is Photoshop the bulges on her sides [she trims them down a bit]. We select the eyes [makes the glasses more rectangular and shorter, and adds eye makeup], make them a nicer shape, take off any blemishes on the skin [the freckles go], lengthen the neck [moves the head up], add more to the hair [gives Lisa longer, wavy hair], select the lips and make them fuller [removes the harelip], take out any puffiness on the skin [reduces the cheeks] here, add fullness to the breasts, lengthen the torso, take away that fold of skin [this gives Lisa hips], streamline the shoulders [making the arms thinner in the process], put highlights in the eyes [gives her a nose], and, there. Butters: That's Lisa Berger? Wendy: Do you see what I'm talking about? Butters: She's pretty! Wendy: That's how people like Kim Kardashian destroy the self-mage of little girls everywhere. Butters: Hold on. Are you saying that girl wants to go out with me? Wendy: What? What do you mean? Butters: And I said no? Oh man, I gotta upload this [sends it off] and then go buy her some flowers and then go tell her I love her. [runs out of the lab] Wendy: Butters! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, afternoon. Cartman is at his locker. Butters walks into view carrying flowers and a gift. Butters: Lisa? Lisa Berger? Anybody seen Lisa Berger? [walks over to Cartman] Oh hey, Eric. Have you seen Lisa Berger anywhere? Cartman: I saw that picture of her you put on the Internet. Butters: II know! I'm gonna tell her I love her, and we're gonna be together and be happy forever. Cartman: Uh, Butters, I don't know how to tell you this, but Lisa Berger is going out with Clyde. Butters: What?! Well since when? Cartman: Dude, since like, noon or 12:30 today. [next shot is of Clyde walking down the hall with Lisa on his arm as he looks at his phone's screen. Everyone turns and stares at the new couple. They stop at Token at his locker] Clyde: Hey, Token. Token, check out my girlfriend. [shows him the Photoshopped picture instead of the real deal] Token: Wow, she's hot. Clyde: Yeah, we just started dating seriously. [walks over to Tweek at his locker] You wanna meet my new girlfriend, Tweek? Tweek: Oh man, you're a lucky guy. Clyde: Yeah, I know. [walks off. Tweek turns back to his locker. The couple walks by Craig, Kevin, and two other boys] Craig: Hey, Clyde. Nice score, dude. Other boys: Yeah. Clyde: Oh, thanks, guys. [they walk by Wendy, who's speechless] Jimmy: [walks up to Stan] Hey, Stan, did you see Clyde's going out with Lisa B-b-Berger? Stan: Yeah, dude, she looks amazing. Clyde sent me her pics. [Wendy walks up to them, mad] She got really hot all of a sudden. Jimmy: Yeah. I wouldn't mind t-tah-t-tappin' that ass. Wendy: Excuse me! Stan: Oh, hey, Wendy. Clyde sent me these. Don't be jel. Wendy: Why would I be jel? Jimmy: Well, y-you gotta admit, Lisa Berger is pretty hot, Wendy. Wendy: She's not hot! That's supposed to be the point! Stan: She looks pretty hot here. Wendy: Lisa Berger is NOT HOT! She's fat and ugly! [just then, Lisa and Clyde walk past her, but she doesn't see this. Jimmy does, though.] Jimmy: That's not very nice, Wendy. Lisa: What's your problem, Wendy? Wendy: [looks and quickly assesses the situation] I'm sorry. It's nothing personal, Lisa. Lisa: You're just a hater. Why don't you mind your own business instead of being jelly? Wendy: I am not jelly! I made that picture of you to prove a point, and it's being taken the wrong way! Clyde: It's okay, babe. Girls who don't have what you have are always going to put you down. [walks off with Lisa] Lisa: Thanks, babe. Scene Description: Mr. Mackey's office. Wendy is back in there, heh Mr. Mackey: Now, Wendy, I've tried to be patient with you 'cause you've always been a good student! M'kay?! But calling a little girl fat and ugly is NEVER m'kay! Wendy: Mr. Mackey, I was trying to show kids that- Mr. Mackey: No! No excuses! You have a problem bein' jelly, Wendy! Okay?! Just maybe, I should have you sent off to jelly school! Wendy: Jelly school? Mr. Mackey: That's right! In fact, I'm gonna call the jelly school right now, okay?! [picks up the receiver and starts pressing keys on the keypad] I'm sorry about this, but it's gone too far! I've had it![puts the receiver up to his ear] Hello, is this the jelly school?! ... Okay, I have a girl here who's extremely jelly! Uh, see if you can take her in for a few weeks! Okay, you're full? Okay, yeah, I guess she dodged a bullet this time, but she'd better watch her jelly behavior! Wendy: Mr. Mackey, I appreciate the point you're trying to make. Mr. Mackey: Yuh, you do? Okay, well I'm not actually on the phone with a... jelly school, Wendy, okay? Wendy: Yes, I'm... I'm a few steps ahead of that, yes. Mr. Mackey: Okay, well Wendy, I'm just tryin' to uh- Oh, bye, jelly school. [hangs up the phone] Uh, Wendy, I'm just tryin' to make you understand how serious it is when you lash out at other girls. Wendy: Thank you, Mr. Mackey, I will... change. Mr. Mackey: M-okay. Scene Description: Time Magazine Person Of The Year Award presentation. A man announces the award, a woman holds it up Host: Ladies and Gentlemen, it my my honor to give the Person of the Year award to this year's winner, Pope Francis. [fanfare plays as the pope comes out from the audience and goes on stage. He takes the mic] Pope Francis: Gracias, gracias, all of my children. Kanye: [rushes up and takes the mic from the pope] Alright hold up! Hold up! I'm sorry pope, but hold up! I just gotta say this! If my fiancée is a hobbit, then uh, [turns away and calls Kim up]Then what, bitch? Okay, yeah yeah [turns back to the audience] Okay, if she... was... if she is a hobbit, then, how come she don't turn blue when goblins are near? [jumps] Oh, you didn't think of that! Oh, I guess she's not a hobbit then! She must be a beautiful, sexy woman! Pope Francis: [grabs the mic for a moment and enunciates] The hobbit doesn't turn blue around goblins, just his sword does. Kanye: Man, get the fuck out of here, you hobbit trivia bitch! [shoves the pope away, and the pope leaves] Who the fuck asked you?! [turns to the audience again] Nobody is talkin' any more shit about my woman! Alright?! She is gorgeous! If she was here, you could all see for yourselves how beautiful she is! But she can't be here because she has a movie comin' out on Friday, directed by Peter Jackson, called The Hobbit! Hold up. [turns away and calls Kim up] Bitch, that movie you got comin' out is called The Hobbit?... Yeah, but it- ... What? It's what? Ohhh yeah. Yup. Yeah, I got it. Yup. Yup. Lemme tell them. Love you too. [blows two quick kisses at the phone, hangs up, and turns to the audience.] Kim is not even in that movie! That movie is just loosely based on her television show, Keepin' Up With The Kardashians, which is a show about short, loud, little people living in a fantasy world! Hold. Up![turns away and calls Kim up] Bitch, if you're the hobbit, you need to let me know right now, 'cause I'm makin' a fool of myself out here! Scene Description: South Park Elementary Gym, day. The cheerleaders are performing during a game break Cheerleaders:: Yeah yeah, do we rock?! Yeah yeah, take it to the top! Yeah yeah, are we gonna stop?! No way! No way! Wendy: Cheer Squad roll call! [each cheerleader steps forward, announces her name, and steps back] Heidi: Heidi! Nichole: Nichole! Bebe: Bebe! Lola: Lola! Red: Red! Annie: Annie! Lisa: Lisa Berger! [the kids all cheer] Wendy: And I'm your captain, Wendy! [silence. One kindergartner comes out of the bleachers with a picture of Lisa and has Lisa sign it. More cheers, and Lisa waves at the audience] Scene Description: South Park Elementary Gym, after the game. Wendy is upset that she got no cheers from the audience Red: Look, Wendy, we are all very happy for Lisa, okay? Nobody here is jelly. But the boys aren't even noticing the rest of us anymore. Bebe: All we're asking is that you do for us what you did for Lisa and help with our imperfections. Wendy: I won't do it, you guys! I'm sorry! Heidi: Why?! Don't you care about us?! Wendy: Because it's wrong! If you guys aren't happy with the way you look, then that's your problem! [turns left and walks away] Lisa: [to the cheerleaders' left] Hey girls. [dressed in a hot outfit] Don't be sad. If you wanna look really hot, like me, you just gotta be willing to sweat. Get down to the gym and work! Scene Description: Total-Self Image, day, inside. The cheerleaders await instructions from a coach Coach: Alright girls, we're gonna trim that fat and tone those bodies. Let's do this! You first! [points to Bebe] Get right up there! [gets on a treadmill. The coach quickly moves around the treadmill and begins taking pictures] Alright, now look here. [Bebe quickly figures out what she needs to do and begins posing. Later on...] Come on, burn it off! You got this! [Bebe is shown editing the pictures the coach just took. She puts blush on her cheeks, lipstick on her lips, blonde eyebrows on her eyes, a fuller body of hair... Next, Red edits her picture. She puts on a cute, tiny smile and eye makeup. Annie removes the fat around her torso and augments her breasts, Heidi gives herself a new hairstyle, Nichole gets more tone and a shorter neck, tighter cheeks, straighter hair, eyebrows, a lighter shade of brown, eye makeup, lipstick, a more level head, fuller lips, breasts. Next is Lisa performing in a video, a parody of "Work Bitch". Next is a shot of the girls looking at their Photoshopped selves.] Coach: [to Lola] Look at those thighs! Come on, you've gotta push harder! [Lola removes some fat from her midsection and gives herself a bow on her shirt, then straightens out her head. Even Timmy, who isn't a cheerleader, gets the Photoshop treatment. His wheelchair is removed, he's given proper, working legs, his shirt is lengthened and given a collar, he's given more hair and his eyes are made to look forward, his mouth is fixed and he's given a coat. Red drinks from a water bottle while Lola is sweating from the hard work. All the while, Lisa raps] Lisa: You wanna? You, you, you wanna? You wanna? You wanna look pretty? You want a boyfriend? You want a nice ass? You better work out, slut! You want nice things? You want boys to give you nice things? You better work out, slut! Now get to work, slut! Party in the cookie trough! Party in the cookie trough! Party in the cookie trough! You better work out, whore! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, playground, day. The boys are gathered on the merry-go-round, looking at pictures of the cheerleaders on Craig's phone. The Boys: Wooowww! Jimmy: Wow! Wow! She looks great! Cartman: Whoa, look at Bebe! [her picture is shown] I had no idea Bebe was that hot. Craig: Yeah, but did you see Token's girlfriend? [flips through the pictures until he gets to Nichole] The Boys: Wooowww! Clyde: Uh, my bitch is still the hottest, you guys. Butters: No way! Go back to Annie Nelson! She's built like a Slim Jim! [Craig flips back to her] Kyle: Yeah. Clearly Annie Nelson is the hottest girl at our school. Look at those eyes! Cartman: Did you not see Erica Smith's boobs, Kyle? They're like perfect water balloons. Butters: I do love water balloons. [the boys fall silent and continue viewing the pictures. Stan gets sad and leaves; viewing all those pictures, not one of them of Wendy, disheartened him] Scene Description: The school hallway, moments later. Wendy is at her locker, and Stan approaches Stan: Hey, Wendy, uh, can I ask you a big favor? Wendy: [curt] What? Stan: A lot of the pictures I have of you are kind of outdated, and um, you know, I wanna be able to show everyone how pretty you are. Wendy: So you want a Photoshopped picture of me to take away any imperfections, is that it?! How DARE you, Stan?! Stan: Wendy, why is it such a big deal? Wendy: Because people should be okay with the way they look! I have pimples on my forehead! My bottom teeth are crooked! So what?! You have short legs. Stan: [looks down] I do? [kids begin to walk by] Wendy: Yeah. [begins to point out other kids' defects] And Jason has freckles, and Billy Turner has narrow shoulders. [The cheerleaders come into view and approach Wendy and Stan. Neither of them notices] The cheerleaders? Bebe has acne. Lola's arms are too short. Nichole's eyes are puffy. Annie has thin hair. [Mr. Mackey walks in on the rant] And Heidi Turner's butt is flat! [Wendy turns to leave, but runs into the cheerleaders and Mr. Mackey] Oh God damn it! Bebe: [furious] You! HATER! Mr. Mackey: [incensed] WENDY, IN MY OFFICE, RIGHT NOW! OKAY?! Wendy: Ugh! Scene Description: Kanye West video, a spoof of "Bound 2" Kanye (backup singers): (Oh yeah, babe. Oh yeah, baby.) One thing I know, my girl ain't no hobbit. She might be stumpy; that don't mean she a hobbit. She's not a hobbit 'cause she couldn't be. She got no Bagginses in her family tree. Yes on occasion she hangs out with her dwarf friends. But she never went on no quest with her dwarf friends. Except for one time she went to kill that dragon. She took his gold and she- [he stops the video shoot] Hang on a minute, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. [calls up Kim yet again] Bitch, remember when you went off to kill that dragon with them dwarves? ... Yeah. Oh yeah. Rightrightrightright, yup. Yup, I got it. Yep, love you too. [blows two quick kisses at the phone, hangs up, and resumes the shoot.] It wasn't no dragon, so my girl ain't no hobbit. That was a Quizno's and my bitch went to rob it. 'Cause they got that ham that she robs on her cellulite. While she drinking her grog and singin' those merry songs... at night... My girl ain't no hobbit. Please God, tell me I'm not engaged to no hobbit. (Kim is not a hobbit.) Scene Description: South Park Elementary Gym, day. The cheerleaders are at practice Cheerleaders: Who are you yelling for? South Park! Let's go Cows! Who are you yelling for? South Park! Let's go Cows! Heidi: Heidi! Nichole: Nichole! Bebe: Bebe! Lola: Lola! Red: Red! Annie: Annie! Lisa: Lisa Berger! Wendy: [slowly steps forward and speaks softly] Wendy. Nichole, Lola, Annie: Ugh. Bebe: You suck! Heidi: Oh God. Red, Annie: Ugh. Bebe: Can we try this without Wendy? Lola: I agree! Lisa: [steps forward] Hey, come on, you guys. She just needs more confidence. [to Wendy] It's okay, Wendy. Who care if no one likes you? Maybe you should go out with Butters. Wendy: Let's just get back to cheering, okay?! Heidi: I don't think so! We don't wanna cheer with a hater! Bebe: Yeah! You have a bad self-image, Wendy! You need to go down to the gym and get a better one! Annie: Yeah! Lola: Uh huh! Red: That's right! Wendy: See, the problem with having fake pictures of yourself is that you start to believe in your own bullshit! This has gone way too far! [leaves] And if society won't fix it, I will! Bebe: What are you gonna do?! Wendy: [stops just outside the gym] Something that should have been done a long time ago! [walks away] Scene Description: Channel 9 Morning News, with Tom and Tammy Thompson Announcer: It's the morning news, with Tom and Tammy Thompson. Tammy: A little girl is making big waves with her fight against Photoshop. Tom: Nine-year-old Wendy Testaburger has started a campaign, and tomorrow will speak before the state senate to ban the use of Photoshopped images, saying they're harmful to young girls. [a taped interview is shown.] Young lady, what is your message? Wendy: Watching what Photoshop is doing to society... Little girls are aspiring to have bodies they can't possibly have! We have to put a stop to it. Tom: And you're not just... being a hater. Wendy: ...Nooo. Tom: 'Cause sometimes, girls who aren't well-liked, you know, lash out at pretty and popular girls. Are, are you well-liked at your school? Wendy: [thinks about it] Not lately, no. Tom: Uh huh. But you're not being jelly? Wendy: NO. That has nothing to do with me wanting to protest against Photoshopped images! Tom: Okay, because I do understand that the jelly school in Aurora is ready to take you in. Is that right, Rick? Rick: Tom, I'm standing in front of the jelly school, where officials claim they do have room for this little hater girl. We're being told if she doesn't stop the- Wendy: That's not a jelly school, that's a Dunkin' Donuts! Rick: [looks over his left shoulder] Well, okay, but, you are a hater. Wendy: That's fine! [leaves her seat] People can call me whatever names they want to! I don't care! There is a cancer in our country, and I'm not going to rest until Photoshopped images are required to be labeled for what they are! Fake! And nothing in this world is going to stop me! Scene Description: The Testaburger house, Wendy's bedroom, night. Her bedroom door opens and a silhouette of Kanye is at the door. He walks in and closes the door, walks to her night stand and turns on the lamp. Wendy wakes up, looks, and jumps up Wendy: Agh! What do you want? Kanye: [sits on her chair and begins to read a sad story. He sniffs from time to time] Once upon a time, there was a little hobbit who lived in the forest. And all the hobbit ever wanted was to be beautiful. And even though she was short and fat and hairy, this little hobbit dreamed that one day she could be pretty like Beyoncé. [clears his throat] And then one day, along came a magic power, called Photoshop. And just like that, poof, the little hobbit was beautiful. And even though she still couldn't sing like Beyoncé, or dance like Beyoncé, or act like Beyoncé, or be a decent human being like Beyoncé, the little hobbit was looked up to and loved, just like Beyoncé! [takes a tissue from Wendy's tissue box and wipes away his tears with it] Soon she had money, and adoration, and a hip-hop fiancée who loved her very much- [turns away, getting choked up] I'm sorry, hold up. Hold up, I'm sorry. [returns to reading] Everything was good for the hobbit. But then this mean little girl, called the Jelly Monster, she was sooo jelly of the hobbit that she told everyone she was a liar, and the hobbit's fiancée realized she was just a hobbit. And you know what he said? He said "I don't CARE!" And then the jelly monster came and tried to take the magic power away from the little hobbit, so the hobbit prayed to God, and God said "Don't worry, little hobbit. I will go find this jelly monster girl, and I will read her a story and melt her icy heart." And the hobbit said "Thank you," and the hobbit and God lived happily ever after in the shower forever 'cause I love her so much! [breaks down and cries] I'm sorry, hold up. Hold up. Hold up. I'm sorry. Wendy: Ah, ah I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I have been jelly. Kanye: [still a wreck] Sorry, hold up, I'm sorry, it's okay. Hold up, hold on, I'm sorry. Wendy: No no, I've been a hater, and I really am sorry. Kanye: Sorry, sorry, that's okay. I've been jelly before too. I'm sorry. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, morning. As kids pass each other in the hall, Wendy is in the computer lab looking at her picture. She begins to edit it, First she gives her hair a new style, then lifts her beret an inch or two, and shrinks her head. She makes more changes and tears begin to well up in her eyes. She now has hips, breasts, lipstick, blush, eyebrows and eyelashes. She's done, and clicks the Send button, which brings up a confirmation box which asks "Mass Email File 'My Pic'?". She moves the cursor to "Yes". The mouse doesn't move after that, and she clicks on "Yes". She wipes away her tears, pushes herself away from the computer, and leaves the computer lab.

Scene Description: South Park, outside. The rising sun beats brightly on the town. Bouncy music plays as the boys' houses are visited. ] Cartman's room. He's awake, staring at the ceiling, thinking. Cartman: Boner balls. Boner balls-boner... Boner forest. Dense... boner forest. Scene Description: Stan's kitchen. Stan is at the breakfast nook eating Astro Pops in milk, and he too is thinking. Stan: Pungent crotch sweat. Pungent milk- milky crotch spooge. Scene Description: The bus stop. Cartman, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny await the bus. Kyle: Barking vaginal belch. Cartman: Protruding vaginal boner. Kenny: (Dilapidated titties incorporated.) Cartman: Oh, I like that. [the bus rolls up and the boys get on board] Scene Description: Inside the bus. Butters: [pops up out of his seat and looks behind it] Rotten boobie turds! Stan: Nah. Kyle: Bloody butt cough. Stan: [passively] Uh huh. Scene Description: A Law Office. Stan reads possible site names from a list he compiled from his friends' suggestions to a live domain name registrar. Stan: Angry Clit Spasm Registrar: [types the name into a who is and waits for results] Nope, sorry. Stan: Whooping Fart Balls. Registrar: Nnnnnope. Stan: Lubricated Titty Burgers. Registrar: That's taken too. Stan: [frustrated] Indifferent Rectal Semen Splooge! Registrar: Sorry. Cartman: Indifferent Rectal Semen Splooge is taken too?! Come! On! Kyle: How are we supposed to name our startup company if every name is already taken?! Registrar: I told you, you just have to be really original with with your company name. There's a lot of startup company these days. [the boys look at each other] Cartman: Furry Balls Plopped Menacingly On The Table, Incorporated! Registrar: That's available! Congratulations! Scene Description: The Kickstarter Web site. A new project appears on it: "Furry Balls Plopped Menacingly on the Table, INC." Scene Description: Stan's room. There should be five boys there, but Cartman is missing. Kyle: It... doesn't... quite roll off the tongue. Stan: Dude, we're not gonna get any attention with that name. Butters: Man this sucks! Randy: [opens the door and peeks in] Uhhh, Stan? Aren't you supposed to be in school? Stan: No. Dad, we don't need school anymore. We're forming a startup company. Randy: A startup company? A company that does what? Stan: No, we don't wanna do anything. Kyle: Yeah, that's why we wanna have a startup company. Butters: Yeah, we're sick of school! But all the good attention-getting startup names are taken. Randy: Wuhuhull, boys, there's more to starting a company than having a catchy name. Stan: ...Nnnno, there isn't. [turns back to his computer and fleshes out the project] Scene Description: The neighborhood, day. Cartman runs down the sidewalk Cartman: You guys! You guys, it's awesome! Holy shit you guys! [runs up to Stan's door and enters the house. He runs into Stan's room] You guys, I've got it! Stan: What? Cartman: It's the greatest startup company name EVER! [Kyle and Stan move in closer to Cartman] Kyle: What?! Tell us! Cartman: Washington. Redskins. [Kyle and Stan look at each other] Kyle: Washington Redskins? Cartman: It's sooo sweet! Stan: I'm pretty sure that's taken, Cartman. Cartman: It's not, dude! Some dumb court-thingy, and the trademark got pulled! You can use it! Aaand the logo! Stan: [lowers his head and strokes his chin] Washington Redskins. [raises his head] I like it! Kenny: (Me too!) Kyle: What?! Cartman: Dude! There's already brand name awareness and it's instantly recognizable! Kyle: Wait. Guys, this, this doesn't seem legal. Cartman: Kyle, you're not hearing me! The trademark has been pulled! We can do whatever we want! Scene Description: And so the boys get busy setting up a Washington Redskins office in town. Stan and Cartman put up a Redskins banner behind the desk. Kenny decorates the front of the desk. Stan finishes his part of the work and climbs down. Stan: [walks up to Kyle] You alright dude? Kyle: Yeah, I just... well I just thought our company name would be more like uh... or-original Cartman: [climbs down the ladder and joins Stan and Kyle] It's a strong name, dude. It's like aggressive and masculine like Boner Forest, but Boner Forest was taken. Kyle: Yeah, but maybe we need a name that's more affirming, like, shows what we stand for. Cartman: We don't stand for anything. Remember our company plan, guys! [walks up to an easel with a 4 Point Plan on it] Start up, cash in, sell out, bro down. Kyle: I'm just not sure this is the name people are gonna give money to. Butters: [at the computer] We already got a dollar! Stan: What?! [Cartman walks up to Butters] Butters: One dollar pledge! Kenny: (Yahoo!) [begins to dance] Cartman: I told you guys! "Washington Redskins" totally gets people's attention! Butters: Another two dollars! Kyle: No way! Cartman: Sittin' on our asses, here we come! Scene Description: News 4 Update News 4 anchor: Another new startup company is gaining a lot of attention on the Internet. They're a company that does absolutely nothing, and they're called, the Washington Redskins. [the page loads and someone is scrolling through it] The Redskins started as what appeared to be some kind of adolescent prank, but almost overnight it has become one of the most heavily funded projects on Kickstarter. [scroll over, next is a teen boy] Why did you give five dollars to the Washington Redskins Kickstarter? Teen boy: I dunno, I just. Uh. They don't do anything, that's pretty sweet. I dunno, I thought it was funny. Cartman: [on a video on the Kickstarter site] By pledging just one or two dollars, you are helping us in our fervent quest to not have to do stuff. If you pledge $10 or more, you will receive this luxurious company micro badge. News 4 anchor: It's called crowd-funding, using the Internet to raise money without having to pay back your investors, a tactic that some believe is unfair and impersonal. Scene Description: The new Redskins office. Cartman takes a call Cartman: Washington Redskins. Go fuck yourself. [Butters walks across the room] Sure, we'd be happy to take your money. Yup. Go to our Kickstarter page. Okay, nice, idiot. Uh huh, fuck you, bye bye. Businessman: [walks in with two other men] You are Eric Cartman? Cartman: Yes, I know. Dan Snyder: My name is Dan Snyder. I'm the president and owner of the Washington Redskins Cartman: Oh, cool. Please take a seat. Dan Snyder: Thank you, but I will stand. Cartman: Nice, I like that. Dan Snyder: Young man, we ask that you please stop using the name Washington Redskins for your organization. Cartman: Stop? But why? Dan Snyder: Because we are the Washington Redskins, and we are a football team! You have NO right to use our name to get attention! Cartman: Uhhh, the trademark got pulled so I'm totaly free to use the name, actually. [phone rings, Eric reacts] Um, Butters, could you get that? Butters: [next to the phone, answers it. Stan is on his iPhone] Washington Redskins. Go fuck yourself. Dan Snyder: Look! Don't you see that when you call your organization "The Washington Redskins", its offensive to us? Cartman: How is it offensive? Coach: How is it offensive?! Jesus, what-?! Dan Snyder: We are a proud team, Mr. Cartman! We have no wish to be associated with people who actively do nothing! Coach: Makes us feel like a joke Cartman: Guys, guys! We have total respect for you! When we name our company "Washington Redskins," it was out of deep appreciation for your team and your people. [grins, knowing that's not the reason.] Dan Snyder: Uh, I know I can't legally make you stop using our name, but, but won't you just do it out of decency? Cartman: Mmmm, noooo, Because I don't want to. Aaaand we can't just change the name of our company 'cause it's like super hard. But hey, from one Redskin to another, go fuck yourself. [the men, dejected, turn and walk out the door] Scene Description: A Redskins jet in the sky. Snyder sits alone in it Robin Meade: All around the world, people are saying they are inspired by the Washington Redskins. The Internet startup company has raised so much money in Kickstarter that now, more groups are doing the same. Reporter: [a reporter speaks as Snyder looks over hit masses pool] More news on the Washington Redskins tonight. Their defiant. F-You attitude has now caught the attention of the terrorist group ISIS. The terrorists said they admire the Washington Redskins and want to try it and follow their business model. A caller: [a newspaper falls out of a car, and Snyder picks it up and reads it] Well, let's not forget, Marsha that there's a people here, okay, who are not happy about the use of the name, the Football Washington Redskins! Woman: Well yeah, but does anyone really care about them? [he turns to the camera and sheds a tear, in the manner of Indian Eyes Cody (Espera Oscar de Corti)] Scene Description: Back at Washington Redskins headquarters... Cartman: Dude, this is sooo cool! We only have six days to go before all the money pledged to our company becomes liquid! Kyle: [enters with Stan] Guys, we need to talk to you. I really don't think we wanna be a company that ISIS looks up to. We should maybe issue a statement saying that we don't sanction them. Cartman: Oh no. No, you guys. We started this company to do nothing. If we start doing stuff now, it'll put it all at risk! Kyle: People aren't gonna support our company if we dig in our heels and say we don't care about anything! Cartman: Digging in our heels and pissing on public opinion us what the Washington Redskins are all about! [pounds the desk a couple of times.] Now come on, guys! If you wanna be a successful business, then you have to be honest about what you are! [pound] Once you take a stand on something, you're pretending like your company is about more than money. Then all of a sudden you're the NFL and and your players get caught molesting little boys! Kyle: That's the Catholic Church! Cartman: NFL, Catholic Church, same thing! Okay, let's use the Catholic Church! You take a moral stand on issues, you say you're about honor and integrity, and the next thing you know, your clergymen are getting caught beating up their wives in an elevator! Kyle: That's the NFL! Cartman: It's the same thing, Kyle! The point is, if we as an organization claim to be about high morality, somebody is eventually going to get raped or beaten in an elevator and it's most likely going to be Butters. Butters: [gasps] Oh no! Kyle: All right, I really don't want to have to do this, but... I'm not happy with the direction this company is taking. Cartman: Well, what are you gonna do? Go back to school? I'm not going back there, man! Kyle: Maybe I'll start my own company. Cartman: Well that's fine! You can't call yourself "Washington Redskins!" Kyle: I don't want to! It's a stupid name! [eerie music plays for a few seconds] Cartman: Well, I guess everything's out on the table now, huh Kyle? Kyle: Yeah. I guess... I guess everything is. Cartman: Stan? Do you think our name is stupid too? Stan: I don't know, I... But I don't know if my future is with this company either. Cartman: Well then, I wish you both well in your new venture. Good-bye. [Kyle and Stan walk out the door. Butters begins to follow them, but stops in his tracks.] Butters: Hang on, is this the company where I don't get raped? Yeah, he-here, right? Okay, I'm uh stayin' here. Scene Description: NFL Headquarters Dan Snyder: Is the league just going to sit by and while my team and my players are compared to ISIS. You have to do something, Commissioner Goodell! What are you going to do about this?! Goodell: [sound clips come out of his mouth, indicating he's a robot] I will get it right, and do whatever is necessary to accomplish that. Dan Snyder: What?! Goodell: We will continue to identify and add expertise to our team. Dan Snyder: That's the most ridiculous nothing answer I've ever heard! What are you gonna do now?! Goodell: Everyone will participate in educating sessions starting in the next month. Dan Snyder: Ugh! This thing is broken! Goodell: We can add... and we will do more, do more, do more [winds down and continues in a high pitch] Dan Snyder: Get all the NFL owners on Skype! This thing is broken again! Scene Description: Skype session Dan Snyder: And so I call upon the help of all owners. You cannot let my people be belittled like this! Jim Irsay: Dan, you don't wanna be dealin' with this stuff. Let the Goodell-bot do it. Dan Snyder: The stupid thing isn't working! Goodell: [starts up again] I will get it right. Steve Bischiotti: Man, that thing hasn't worked right since we bought it. Dan Snyder: Look, my team is starting to lose hope. You have to use your influence to make these people change their name. Paul Allen: Did you tell them we're about honor and integrity? Alex Spanos: If the Goodell bot is broken, we must stay out of it more than even usual! Dan Snyder: And so I'm alone? What if they ridicule the 49ers team next? Or make fun of Jerry Jones because his eyes are too far apart? Jerry Jones: My eyes aren't too far apart! Paul Allen: If we get them to change their logo, will it make you happy? Dan Snyder: Uh I guess we can live with that. Jim Irsay: Then it is decided! We will make them change their logo. Begin mas behind-the-scenes under-the-table enforcement of our wishes NOW Owners: Go! [all screens go blank] Dan Snyder: Thank God! Scene Description: A Washington Redskins announcement. Lots of cheering and applause. Cartman steps on stage before a giant Redskins logo Cartman: Fuck youuuu, fuck youuuu. Fuck you up there! Fuck you! "Fuck you." Those words mean a great deal to us. They help us express just how we as a company... see things differently. There are a lot of startup companies on Kickstarter, but after today I think you'll agree that Washington Redskins is the most exciting. As you know, the Redskins have been on the forefront of Kickstarter as a company that is always finding new and exciting ways to tell people to go fuck themselves. And now, our company is thrilled to show you all the latest innovations we've come up with. [An image of the office appears, with the new changes] To begin with, we have moved the couch from the left side of the office to the right side. But we didn't stop there. We also added a new rug that goes better with our office drapes. And probably most exciting of all, we have actually updated the company from the inside out. We received a lot of pressure from certain communities to change our Redskins logo. As a company we want to be firm, but we also want to be flexible. And so we thought, if we have to change our logo, it should be more in step with today's times, but still define us as the leading Kickstarter company. What we came up with is the new company logo that I think you'll all agree is very exciting. [a pair of tits and male genitalia are added to the original logo, to much cheer and applause] Now when people hear the name "Redskins", they will immediately think "titties" and "balls". It's just a bold new way that we can say "We don't fucking care." Go Redskins! [cheering and applause] Scene Description: Kyle's room. He and Stan are discussing their new company - it's "Furry Balls Plopped Menacingly on the Table, INC." resurrected Kyle: It's so awesome, dude. Our company already has a hundred backers. And we still have 14 days to go! Stan: Yeah... Kyle: You okay, bro? Stan: I just... never saw myself owning a company called "Furry Balls Plopped Menacingly on the Table, INC." Kyle: Give it time, it'll grow on you. Stan: Why don't we just call it "Untitled Startup Company"? Kyle: Because that sounds like we don't have anything, We've been through this already, Stan! Stan: Yeah, I know that. But a good company should never have seven words in its title. Kyle: Well whattaya mean? Stan: I just feel that somewhere out there, there's a perfect startup company name. And I need to be free to go find it. Kyle: Oh. Well, I certainly don't want you to feel that "Furry Balls Plopped Menacingly on the Table" is holding you back. [Stan slowly walks to the door, then turns around] Stan: Good luck with your company, dude. Kyle: Yeah. Good luck with yours. [Stan leaves and closes the door] Scene Description: Kickstarter Headquarters, night. Employee: It's just... incredible, Harry. Everyone is using Kickstarter for everything! Harry: And for every project funded, we get 5%. Employee: It's like, we don't even have to do anything and we just make money. Harry: Sitting on our asses, here we come. Scene Description: Kickstarter, moments later. Tribal music comes up. Dan Snyder rises from the bushes Dan Snyder: Caw-CAW, Caw-CAW. [his football team rises from the bushes and gather behind him] HooHOO, hoohooHOO. [other players appear and they all move in. A player sneaks past a Kickstarter employee] Employee 2: [lowers his cup] Huh? [goes back to sipping coffee. Two more players sneak past him, and #88 tackles him moments later. Number 28 tackles another employee. Pretty soon all the employees are targeted. Two players make it to the servers and head-butt them, causing damage to them. Number 48 kicks the head off one of the employees. An uninjured female waits for an elevator. The doors open, she goes in, and number 28 spooks her. She screams. Later, Kickstarter is in flames] Scene Description: South Park, morning Cartman: Goooood morning, guys! Butters: Happy Deadline Day! Cartman: We made it, guys. We cab finally stop doing stuff and see just how much our company made in 4, 3, 2, 1 that's the deadline! Butters: Oh boy, this is like Christmas morning! Cartman: [tries to visit his page, but it's not coming up] What the hell? Can't find the server? [tries again] Kickstarter.com! [not found] Kickstarter. Where is Kickstarter?! Get it up on the phone, Butters. Come on, I wanna know how much our company is worth! Butters: It's not coming up on my phone either. I... Holy Mother Mary! Kenny: (What?!) Butters: Somebody raided Kickstarter and they burned the building to the ground! Cartman: What?! Butters: Somebody killed Kickstarter! Cartman: Who the hell would burn Kickstarter to the ground?! [gasps] Oh my God! That weird little Jewy guy! Kyle! Scene Description: Kyle's room. He's having trouble accessing the site too. Kyle: What the hell is wrong? "Can't find the server" Kickstarter. [Cartman barges in with Butters and Kenny in tow] Cartman: You son of a bitch! Kyle: What?! Cartman: You broke Kickstarter! Kyle: No, I just can't get it to load. Cartman: Nobody can! It's gone! You just couldn't take it that our company was more successful than yours would ever be! Kyle: My company was on Kickstarter too! Why would I get rid of it?! Cartman: Well, somebody did! Stan: It doesn't matter, you guys. There's something a lot more important here. [walks up to the boys] Do you guys remember when we first decided to start a company together? We all had a common goal. And we weren't gonna let anything stop us from getting to the bro down. But somewhere between starting up and selling out we... we lost our way. We can't do this on our own. We need each other. Kyle: He's right. We should do a merger. Cartman: [shocked] A merger?! It's too late for that, you guys! Kickstarter is gone! We don't have a company! We don't have anything! [begins walking out the door] Kyle: Yes we do! We have a sweet name. [Cartman turns around] I was wrong, Cartman. "Washington Redskins" is the perfect name. I think maybe I was jealous that I didn't come up with it. Cartman: [steps forward] It is really sweet. Stan: And we always said that all we needed was a sweet name and the rest would figure itself out, Butters: Yeah, we can do it, fellas! It'll be like old times! Kyle: Whattaya say, Cartman? Scene Description: Third Redskins announcement. Cartman comes out on stage again to cheers and applause Cartman: Fuck you! Fuck you, everyone. Yes, fuck you all, thanks! [the cheering and applause die down] How do you stay relevant in a volatile marketplace? As you know, our goal at Washington Redskins is to not do anything, and make money not doing it. Kyle: [joins Cartman onstage] When Kickstarter went down, many saw their startup projects die, but here at Washington Redskins, we saw opportunity. People still need a way to raise money for their stupid startup projects, and with the Redskins you can now go fund yourself. [The modified Redskin logo fades to a single line saying "GO FUND YOURSELF"] And the idea is simple. You, the people, go out and raise all your own money, and give the Washington Redskins 5%. Cartman: You will literally be giving us money for doing absolutely nothing. It is the biggest "fuck you" we have ever come up with. But we didn't stop there, because a new company direction also means, of course, a new and improved logo. [The neo logo comes up - it's two of the old logo, with titties and balls and penises, one taking the other from behind. This receives cheers and applause] Cartman and Kyle: Go Redskins! Scene Description: Arlington Stadium. A helicopter shot of the stadium Announcer: A beautiful night in Arlington, Texas as the Dallas Cowboys get set to take on the Washington Redskins. That is, of course, Washington Redskins the football team, not Washington Redskins, the audacious crowd-funding company. Commentator: Yeah, and if you ask me, the Redskins are a scam. Announcer: You're talking about the crowd-funding company- Redskins, right? Commentator: That's right. An-and now you've got terrorist groups like ISIS using the Redskins to raise their money. I-I don't like what the Redskins are doing. Announcer: Those Redskins Commentator: Yeah, whatever. Scene Description: The Visitors locker room. The Redskins sit there looking morose, even their owner Dan Snyder. Somber Native American music play #35: It's over. Our name has been reduced to a stereotype and a joke. #59: Yeah, let's just go home. Dan Snyder: No. No, we cannot give up! We have been through too much together. We have fought Eagle, and Bear! The Eagles only beat us by three points. #92: Yeah, but I just feel pretty stupid wearing this now. #72: Yeah. #35: Come on, guys. #8: Where will we go? What will we do? [and with that his players desert him] Dan Snyder: Don't let them break you! Don't let them win! [as kickoff approaches, a Native American drumbeat starts up] Announcer: And the Cowboys are still set to kick off, but there doesn't seem to be anyone to kick off to. Commentator: Yeah, and Jerry Jones must be happy this means a forfeit, another win for the Cowboys. [with his bright chameleon eyes and a woman popping up from between his legs, he must indeed be happy. Mellow Native American music joins the drumbeat] Announcer: Wait a minute, it appears a lone Redskin is making his way out of the locker room. [Dan Snyder comes out, not in uniform, but willing to face down the Cowboys. The referee blows the whistle and the game starts.] The Cowboys kick it off. [Snyder catches it, but the Cowboys quickly pile up on him, then get off] Dan Snyder: [dusts himself off] Hut! Hut Hut Hut! [the Cowboys pile up on him again, then get off. He dusts himself off] Hut hut hut. Hut Hut Hut Hut! [the Cowboys pile up on him again, then get off. He dusts himself off. He's quite beat up now] Hut. Hut hut hut. Hut Hut! [the Cowboys pile up on him again, then get off. The crowd finally reacts] Crowd: Oh! Fan wearing #3: Just stay down! For the love of God! Dan Snyder: [barely able to move] Hut hut. Hut! [the Cowboys pile up on him again, then get off. He dusts himself off] Fan wearing #74: Stop! Make it stop! Fan wearing #82: Just stay down! Another fan: Please! Fan wearing a blue star: Just make him stay down! Other fans: Go Redskins! Go Redskins! Scene Description: Washington Redskins, now a crowd-funding company. Stan is at the armchair sipping Coke, Cartman is kicking back on the couch, Butters is at the desk working a paddleball, Kyle reads from a book, and Kenny is on a tablet Stan: Boy, this is the life, huh guys? Butters: We finally did it! Cartman: I just might sit here until my ass fuses into the couch. [a brick flies in through a window and shards flow into the room] Kyle: What the heck is that? [the boys leave the building to investigate] Scene Description: Outside headquarters, they face a protest Cartman: Whoa, whoa! What? Protestor #1: Change your name! Protestor #2: It doesn't belong in today's society! Kyle: Change our name? Stan: But you all thought our name was sweet. Protestor #3: There's nothing sweet about a people who were decimated. A once proud nation that finally lost hope and left their leader to be massacred by Cowboys in a defiant last stand! Kyle: When was that? Protestor #4: Last night. Protestor #5: Until you change your name, we are asking all your subscribers to boycott you. ISIS spokesman: That's right! ISIS will no longer use your insensitive company for its fundraising! Crowd: Yeah! Alright! Protestor #1: Good for you, ISIS! Kyle: Well what the hell do we do? Cartman: [sighs and his voice drops] I guess we gotta go back to school. [they boys turn left and walk away, their heads hanging down. The protesters keep cheering until they're gone.]

Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The boys are indeed back at school, their crowdfunding venture having fizzled on the fires of an offensive trademark. Students head to their classrooms. The main four come in looking bright and ready to go Kyle: Hey guys! Stan: Morning! Cartman: How's it going, everybody? Kyle: Sup, Jason? [Jason turns and walks away angrily] Cartman: Hey dude. Sup? [they encounter Token, Craig, and Jimmy.] Craig: What are you guys doing here? Cartman: What do you mean? We're just... going to school. Jimmy: I thought you guys said you didn't need school. Token: Yeah, you said you had a startup company and that school was for douchebags. Kyle: Oh! Tha-oh, yeah, the the startup company thing didn't really work out. Craig: But you told us all to go fuck ourselves. Cartman: Ogh! Noo, noo, you guys, guys, what what we said was- Craig: [keeps pressing] You told us your company was gonna make $10 million, and the rest of us could go fuck ourselves. Kyle: We were- trying to be funny. Jimmy: Yeah well, no one's laughing, Kyle. [Token, Craig and Jimmy split up, then everyone else goes their separate ways. Moments later, Wendy is shown at her locker] Stan: [walks up] Hey Wendy. Wendy: You're... back? Stan: Yeah, the startup company thing didn't work out. Wendy: [sarcastic] Oh wow, I'm shocked. Stan: So hey, I was gonna see if you still wanted to see that stupid Maze Runner movie- Wendy: You broke up with me, Stan! You said you had to be "free to chase your dreams". Stan: Wendy, I thought my life was going in a different direction and I just felt that I, I really had to give it everything I had, you know. I had I had to focus on one thing. Wendy: Is that why you told Clyde that you broke up with me? Because you're about to be [does air quotes] "dripping in bitches"?! Stan: Huh? Why does everyone suddenly remember everything everybody says? [Wendy closes her locker and faces him] Wendy: I'm happy, Stan. I'm happy I know who you really are now. You're someone who can't be counted on! You're someone who can just bail on the people you love! [turns around and walks away] Scene Description: The cafeteria, lunchtime. Cartman looks around Cartman: Dude, people are pissed off at us. Kenny: (Yeah, it's fucking crazy!) Kyle: Doesn't anyone understand the significance of "I'm sorry" anymore? Cartman: Yeah! Well said, Kyle! Good point! What, what happened to the significance? Kyle: Well, I guess let's just be thankful we're not Butters. They won't even let him come back to school. Scene Description: Faculty room Pricipal Victoria: All right everyone, thanks for coming. As you know, we urgently need to discuss the matter of Butters Stotch, who set fire to the school gymnasium and is now asking to come back. Are we all set to start? Woman: Almost. We're just waiting on Mr. Mackey. Again. Mr. Adler: Awww, do we need Mackey here? Mr. Garrison: Yeah, all he's gonna talk about is how he's gluten-free now and feels sooo fuckin' amazing. Principal Victoria: Well, you have to admit he does look a little better. Mr. Adler: He doesn't look any different to me. Principal Victoria: In the cheeks, you don't think he looks a little fuller? Mr. Garrison: It's just the new diet fad! [a door opens] Mr. Mackey: Sorry I'm late. I had to stop and get my own breakfast because I figured y'all would be having doughnuts, but I'm actually gluten-free, so I can't have doughnuts, m'kay? Principal Victoria: Yes, Mr. Mackey, we're all aware that you're gluten-free now. Mr. Mackey: I'm just sayin' that I personally feel sooo fuckin' amazing Mr. Garrison: [exasperated, face in his hands] Can we discuss the gymnasium and get out of here, please? Principal Victoria: Right, so the issue, as you all know, is that Butters set fire to the gymnasium last week and ran away laughing and flipping everyone off. Mr. Mackey: That's probably gluten, m'kay? Coach: Oh, God! Mr. Mackey: Gluten causes sluggishness, irritability, and nearly all behavioral problems, Mr. Garrison: I seriously cannot take hearing about gluten anymore. Mr. Mackey: See, that's probably the gluten talkin', uhkay? If you cut out gluten, you don't ever get pissed off. Principal Victoria: [surprized and interested] Really? Mwell I might just give this gluten-free thing a try. How does it work? Mr. Garrison: Oh, no, don't try- oh God, here we go. Scene Description: The school gym, day. Gutted by the fire, but not condemned. The fourth graders are inside during their PE period. The girls jump rope, the boys try to make baskets through a badly damaged hoop. Other boys toss basketballs at each other, while Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny sit on the burnt bleachers. Kyle: I don't know what we're going to do? It's been like four hours and people still won't talk to us. Kenny: (Right. What the fuck is going on?) Cartman: You know what we gotta do, guys? [gets off the bleachers] We've gotta throw a big fuckin' party Kenny: (A party?!) Cartman: Yeah! How do you make everyone like you? You have a big party and invite everyone and then everyone thinks you're cool! Kyle: Dude, that would have to be like, the best party ever. Cartman: Well I'm down. Between the four of us we can throw the sweetest party ever, and these assholes won't even remember us being dicks to them. Kyle: [joins him on the floor] Hey, that might work. But it can't be a party for us. Cartman: Right, it's gotta be an awesome party for... Stan: [joins them on the floor] For someone that we love who needs us and that we refuse to bail on! Cartman: What? Kyle: No no, he's right! We've gotta make it for someone in need so that people have to go. Cartman: We lure people in with a cause and then hit 'em over the head with the best party ever. We're gonna have pizza and cake and a sweet band! Kyle: A band! Holy shit, Stan! Didn't you say your dad knows somebody who knows Lorde? Stan: Yeah, he said some guy at work is Lorde's uncle or something. Cartman: Oh my God, we've got Lorde to play live. Kenny: (This will be awesome!) Cartman: So who do we throw the party for? Stan: What do you mean? We have a friend who needs us right now, and we can't let him down. [Pink's "Get This Party Started" begins to play, which serves as transitional music to the next scene] Scene Description: WSPIC 88.3, on air. The Camera pans down to the DJ DJ: All right, that was "Get This Party Started" and joining me in the studio now are four local boys who are gearing up to throw the most epic party ever. Is that right, boys? Kyle: Yeah, it's going to be this weekend. Cartman: You know, we just wanted to give back to the community and show everyone a good time. DJ: Now, this party is also for a good cause, because it's to honor a little boy with diabetes, Scott Malkinson. Is that correct? Cartman: You, you know diabetes affects us all, but it mostly affects Scott Malkinson. Stan: Yeah, and we just- you know, we, we just can't turn our back on him. DJ: Must be pretty special having a big party in your honor, Scott. How does it feel? Scott: I actually have plans this weekend. Cartman: "I actually have plans this weekend. I'm Scott Malkinson. I've got diabetes." DJ: All right, well, we've got lots of people callin' in. Caller, what's your question? Craig: Are you guys making this up? Kyle: Nope! We're gonna have all the pizza you can eat, twenty different cakes, and Lorde is going to play live! Craig: All the pizza we can eat? Cartman: Believe it, dude. Craig: All right, this better be good. DJ: All right, it's sure to be a blast. Phone lines are going craaazy! Stan: Sweet! DJ: Next caller, what's your question? Principal Victoria: Yes, will there be gluten-free options for people at this party? Stan: Excuse me? Principal Victoria: Well I've been gluten-free for about a day now, and I have to say I feel sooo amazing. I just want to make sure there's food for all of us. DJ: Mark in Fairplay, you had a comment? Mark: Yeah, I agree with the last caller. I was in a restaurant and ordered the gluten-free quinoa salad, and a guy right next to me was eating a sandwich. It's like "Get your second-hand gluten away from me!" DJ: All right, all right, next caller, you got a question for the boys? Mr. Garrison: Yeah, I swear, if I hear another person talking about being gluten-free I'm gonna piss in their face. Cartman: What the hell is gluten? Scene Description: Park County community center, night. Most everyone in town is at the meeting tonight. John Garner: Hello everyone, my name is John Garner and I'm a nutrition advisor from the USDA. I want to clarify the USDA's position on a healthy diet. There's been a lot of confusion about gluten lately. People saying that gluten is the cause of cancer, gluten should be avoided, gluten can make your dick fly off, but let's set the record straight. Randy: [To Gerald] Make your dick fly off? John Garner: People believe that omitting gluten will make you healthier, but of course, that's a bunch of hooey. Hooey is the preservative found in processed foods, that we now believe is the main culprit of obesity. You might say "Well there's fat in butter too," but that's just poppycock. Poppycock first came from India and is the key ingredient in red meat which we now realize is good for you along with hooey. The good hooey, not the bad hooey. So what is gluten? Mr. Garrison: Yes, thank you! John Garner: Simply put, gluten is the protein found in flour when you take all the starch away. [holds up a stalk of wheat]. Flour is of course, just wheat, and when you add a liquid to flour, you get dough. [grabs a wad of dough] Dough that makes breads, doughnuts, pasta, and all the hooey-free foods that humans enjoy. [puts the dough into a special washer. The extract going through a distillation process] Now, if we wash the dough of all its starch, we can actually distil the wheat down, minus the water, minus the starch, and what we're left with is pure gluten. Not a bio-weapon, just harmless flour protein. Mr. Mackey: Then eat it! John Garner: Excuse me? Mr. Mackey: If it's not dangerous, then eat that pure concentrated gluten, okay? John Garner: [looks at the gluten, then at the audience, then moves the gluten to his lips] Yeah. Alright. [sips it down] Dup, dup. [his body contorts as he groans. Everyone in the audience begins to panic. He shows signs of burning up, and his groin begins to set off electrical sparks. His penis wriggles out of there and soon launches itself.] Mr. Mackey: Oh, you see that? His dick's flyin' off. [people begin to leave the community center. The penis escapes and comes back to knock a man down] Scene Description: Papa John's Pizza is shown. The townsfolk run right past it. Stephen: [stops] Oh my God! These people don't even know! [faces the pizza joint] Hurry! You gotta go! Mr. Garrison: [stops as well] Oh Jesus! Hey! It isn't safe in there! [inside, two workers just stand around behind the counter] Get out of there! Stephen: Get out! You're not safe! Mr. Garrison: You gotta get out! Stephen: Hurry! You gotta go! Scene Description: The Marsh kitchen. Randy opens the cupboard and pulls everything out of it, including foods like Choc-Block Cookies, Circus Cookies, Fudge-Stuffed Fingerlings, Granny's Mac 'n Cheese, Frosted O-Face-O's and Puffed Up. Sharon does the same at another cupboard, removing items like Candy Corn Oreos, Thwizlerz and Cheesey Poofs; packing them in a white garbage bag with other foods like Hamburger Helper, Fiber-O's, Muffin Top, Chicken Nuggets and Beef Burritos. They're both in a panic. Shelly and Stan appear at the kitchen entrance. Randy: What about the Powerbars? The Powerbars? Sharon: Yes! Randy: Hamburger Helper? Sharon: That's all gluten! Randy: There's hot dog buns in that cupboard, Sharon! Sharon: Hey, dad, I need to talk to you about this party we're having. Randy: Oh my God, the WHEAT THINS! Sharon: It's in the Triscuits too, Randy! Stan: Wait, wait, ah I might need those. Randy: This stuff will make your dick fly off, Stan! Sharon: Don't forget the freezer! Randy: Oh God! [now clearing the freezer] Chicken nuggets - breaded! Frozen burritos - flour! Ice cream! What about ice cream?! Sharon: I don't know! Look at the ingredients! Randy: Heavy cream, sugar, chocolate syrup - no, ice cream's good for you! Sharon: All right, that's all of it! Randy: You sure? All r- all right, you got those?! Sharon: I can get both of these, yeah! Randy: All right, come on! [a loaf of whole wheat sandwich bread falls out. Moments later, Randy comes back for it, then leaves again] Scene Description: Kyle's room, night. Kyle is working on the party's budget when his phone rings. It's Cartman Kyle: Hey Cartman. Cartman: KYLE! IT'S ALL GONE! THEY'VE TAKEN IT ALL! WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS?! KYLE! KYLE! Kyle: Dude, calm down. Cartman: THERE'S NO SNACKS LEFT, KYLE! THEY TOOK ALL THE SNACKS AND THE PIZZA AND THE CAKE AND WE'RE NOT GONNA HAVE A PARTY! Kyle: Who took all the pizza and the cake? [begins to notice flickering lights outside his window and hears an approaching crowd. All the gluten-tainted food that people have been bagging is being thrown into a bonfire] What the hell? Cartman: KYYYLE! Scene Description: A wheat field outside of town. Rolling hills of wheat are shown when the start turning brown. A flamethrower begins burning the field. A man wielding the flamethrower appears walking methodically through the field Mr. Garrison: Yeah! Get it! Get it all! Yeah, that's it! Burn, you bastard! Farmer: What are you doing?!? My farm! Randy: Son of a bitch! Did you not know or did you just not care?! Keeyah! [knocks him down with a right punch to the right cheek] Scene Description: U.S.D.A. Strategic Command Center, FDA approved, day. Tom Vilsack: There's panic all over the country and you're telling me you don't have any kind of containment on this thing?! Researcher: We're working as fast as we can, sir. Tom Vilsack: [sighs loudly] Are you sure it's gluten that started the reaction? Researcher: [they stop by a rat cage] We gave these rats an injection of concentrated whole wheat bread just a short time ago. You can see it already having a negative effect. [the rat is having an arousal it can't control. It flips over on its back, its penis wriggling out and shooting off. The rat dies.] Tom Vilsack: We told people that whole wheat bread was healthy! Isn't wheat the ingredient in pasta that makes it healthy? Researcher: No. We believe now that that's poppycock. Tom Vilsack: [to everyone on the floor] All right, listen up! We have the obligation to make this thing right and to tell people what is and isn't safe to eat. We are the USDA! Without us, people would be eating dirt and... chairs. Whatever it takes, stop this crisis! [turns left and leaves. Another rat in the background loses its penis and dies.] Scene Description: Cartman's room. Cartman is in bed with a slight cough. He blows his nose, and his door opens. the boys enter Kyle: Cartman? Come on, dude. You have to get up. Cartman: What's the point? Everyone hates us at school and our party's gonna suck. Stan: We can't let our party suck. Cartman: What kind of epic party can you have without pizza and cake? Now all we've got is Lorde. Kyle: That's right, we've still got Lorde. You talked to your dad, right Stan? Stan: [looks down, then] I'll be back. [turns and leaves] Cartman: You know what I'mm gonna miss most? Pancakes. I keep having dreams of Aunt Jemima. She's trying to tell me something. But then she just fades away. Kyle: Cartman, we can't do this alone. You have to get up. Cartman: [turns to his right side] There's nothing left, you guys! The world is upside down. Things aren't gonna get better, they're gonna get worse. Scene Description: The Marsh house. The bell rings and Randy answers it. Randy: Yes? Worker 1: Hello, sir. We've had word of a possible gluten exposure in your home. May we come in? Randy: Gluten expohn... oh not here! Worker 2: Can we come in please? Randy: Wuh sure! [shows them in. They enter and their gluten meters crackle as they go around the house] Sharon: [coming down the stairs] What's going on? [one of the workers stops at the kitchen wastebasket and pulls out a pair of tongs. He rifles through the trash can with it and pulls out a Pabst Blue Ribbon can] Randy: Well that's just a beer. Worker 1: Oh Jesus. Shelly: BEER IS ALL WHEAT, DAD!! Randy: [to Shelly] Shuut up, [to the worker] beer is bad for you?! Worker 2: We're gonna need you to come with us, sir. Don't touch me. Randy: Look, I'm OK! Yuh, you wanna see my dick? Worker 1: We just need you to be in quarantine for a while until everyone figures out what's going on. Randy: No! Not Papa John's. [shakes his head] I don't wanna go to Papa John's! [shakes his head more violently] YOU CAN'T MAKE ME GO TO PAPA JOOOHN'S!! Scene Description: Papa John's, day. It is now Gluten Quarantine Center 1, and Randy's the newest quarantine. Outside are one of the workers and a soldier Randy: How long do I have to stay here?! Soldier: Until the USDA gets control of the situation, sir. Randy: What am I supposed to eat? Soldier: It's okay, there's lots of toppings. Just eat the toppings. [the soldier and the worker walk away] A Quarantine: How'd you get exposed? [it's a blond man on the floor] Bagels? Gravy? Randy: Beer. I didn't know it had gluten. Mr. Garrison: There's always somethin'. For me it was the soy sauce. [his voice grows soft] Sneaky, sneaky soy sauce. Scene Description: USDA headquarters, day Jeff: We're trying to get a handle on just how much gluten there is out there, but... It seems impossible to contain. Tom Vilsack: And we have no idea how to tell people to protect themselves? Researcher: [approaches with an open laptop] We've been running simulations, but they're problematic because they don't relate to our current schematics. Here, look. This is what we've been recommending for the past three years. [Shown is a food tray with dish and cup on it. The dish has larger portions for veggies and grains, smaller portions for fruits and proteins, and the cup is dairy, off to the side with the smallest portion] Five basic food groups, not four. We were wrong about that. We now realize, of course, that the largest of these groups we've been recommending is basically poison [a skull and crossbones appears over the grains]. Sir, to combat the gluten, we're trying every possible combination of the four remaining food groups, but so far, no answers. Agent: Sir, the feds are here. Tom Vilsack: Oh shit! FDA Agent 1: Tom Vilsack? Tom Vilsack: Yes? Michael Taylor: Michael Taylor, FDA. Tom Vilsack: Yeah, thank you, but this is a USDA problem. Michael Taylor: Anything involving meat and dairy is our problem too! Scene Description: Papa John's, day. Stan approaches the blocked entrance Stan: Dad? Dad! Randy: [appears through a window] Stan! ...Hey! ...How's my boy? Daddy's gonna be all right. Okay? Stan: Yeah. Dad, you know that guy at work you said is Lorde's uncle or something? Randy: I can't touch you or hug you, but... but I'm right with you. Do you understand? Stan: Yeah. You remember you said that Lorde, the singer, her uncle worked with you? Randy: How's your mom? Your, your sister? Soldier 2: [appears next to him and begins tugging at him] This is a quarantined area, kid. You're you're gonna have to go. Stan: Nonono, not yet. DAD! Randy: That's my son, you bastard! Soldier 2: I'm sorry, all right? Stan: Dad, who's the guy at work that knows Lorde? Let me go! DAD! Randy: Staaan! Stan: Let me talk to my dad! [the soldier finally hauls him away] Randy: Staaaaaaan! Scene Description: Cartman's room, night. He's asleep. A nightmare comes on, and visions of fellow students pass through his dream Craig: You call this a party?! Your party sucks! Token: Come on guys, let's go! Jimmy: No food at a party? And I thought I was handicapped! [the voices mount and soon he's lifted out of bed as one last kid says "What a loser" which echoes and fades away. He finds himself in bayou territory] Aunt Jemima: Hello, Eric. [he sees her, on a porch, with a plate of pancakes] Come on over here, sugar. Cartman: Aunt Jemima. [stands up and walks over] Aunt Jemima: There's people in trouble, Eric. They need to be shown the way. Cartman: I don't know the way, Aunt Jemima. Aunt Jemima: You need to get to the USDA, child. They're lookin' for a sign. Cartman: I don't even know what that means. Aunt Jemima: When you're stuck, look to the pyramids. Cartman: Are you going to eat those pancakes? Aunt Jemima: They've got it wrong, child! [suddenly the scenery changes to the pyramids at Giza. Her voice takes on a cosmic tone, and Cartman spins in place] The world is upside down. Cartman: Oooo, trippy... Aunt Jemima: Tell then they've got's it backwards! Cartman: They've got what backward? [everything vanishes into a gray field, then a golden triangle appears, then shatters. A kaleidoscope of kids appears, taunting him. Aunt Jemima's face shatters, revealing the golden triangle.] Cartman: [he falls through his dream, surrounded by everything that has gluten in it] Noooo... [and suddenly wakes up] Oh! Ohhh, oh. Hoooh. Fuck, I want pancakes. Scene Description: Papa John's, day. establishing shot. Inside Randy sits on a cot Randy: You can't just keep us in here! Mr. Garrison: [clanging] We're out. [holds up an empty tray] We're all out of toppings! There's nothing left to eat. Blond: [looks outside, then] They're just gonna let us starve to death? Randy: They don't care about us. Face it. We're already dead to them. [buries his face in his hands] Blond: Well then, I guess I might as well eat! [stands up and walks towards the storage room] Mr. Garrison: There's nothing left, I told you. Blond: There's plenty of pizza dough. Randy: Are you crazy? Blond: I'm crazy hungry! [takes a wad of dough and begins eating it] Oh... Oh... Fuck, it's so good! [Randy and Mr. Garrison wait for the other shoe to drop] I want more... It's been so long! [gets more dough and eats voraciously] Randy: Oh my God, you... [the blond stops eating] But... you're okay. Blond: You don't think it's a little ridiculous that wheat protein is toxic? This whole thing was a setup, man! Mr. Garrison: A setup? But by who? Randy: Oh my God, we... we have to get a hold of someone who could get the word out. Blond: Maybe Papa John can help us! If we can get a hold of them, then maybe we can- [his penis suddenly and quickly flies off and he dies] Randy: Ng-oh. [snaps his fingers. He and Garrison go find seats] Scene Description: WSPIC 88.3, on air. Stan is reading an announcement Stan: There's a health crisis going on, and it's spreading faster than anyone realizes. For a long time we ignored it. Thought it would only affect the poor. People who ate Eggo waffles and Pizza Pockets. But gluten can attack anyone. This is not a time to party. This is a time to get serious. We're calling on everyone to spend this weekend learning about gluten and how to protect yourself and your family. Because we don't know how much time we have. DJ: Well all right, time for action indeed. Let's go to the phone lines. Go ahead, caller. Craig: I knew you guys were going to bail on the party. Kyle: We're not bailing on the party, we're just think there's... more important things right now! Craig: Uh huh, you guys couldn't get Lorde to play, could you? DJ: All right, let's go to Jamie in Como. Go ahead. Jamie: It's like ya... ya say you're gonna throw the most epic party of the decade and then you rip it away! It's kind of like... telling everyone to go fuck themselves! DJ: Oh Kansas, watch the language there. Next caller, you're on the air. Wendy: Why are you doing this party, Stan? Was it because you made people mad at school or... because you just wanted to be a big shot? Stan: I... we... we wanted to bring people together and help Scott Malkinson, but- Wendy: So then at a time when people really need to come together you cancel on 'em? I'm pretty sure Scott Malkinson still has diabetes. Scott: That is correct, yes, I do. Wendy: You couldn't put on the party you were hoping to put on, was that it? Kyle: Jesus Christ, dude. Stan: Wendy, there IS a health crisis right now... Wendy: Right, and when things change or things come up, you don't forget about everything you promised people! Stan: We had no idea what to serve people to eat, okay?! We're gonna look stupid! Wendy: Thought so. [hangs up. Stan lets his head fall on the table] DJ: Ohhhhhh well all right, next caller is Eric. Are you there, Eric? Cartman: KYYYLE! Kyle: Cartman? Cartman: KYYYLE, WHAT DOES USDA STAND FOR?! AUNT JEMINA SAID USDA HAS TO LOOK AT THE PYRAMID! Scene Description: USDA headquarters, day. Everyone is in a rush. Tom Vilsack: It's dinner time on the East coast in less than an hour. People are going to die! Jeff White: Sir! They've got a boy on the hot line who says he might know something. Tom Vilsack: Who is this? Cartman: My name isn't important. What matters is that... the answer is in the pyramid. Tom Vilsack: The pyramid? That's ancient stuff you're talking about. Are you sure? [to the floor] Bring up the pyramid! [a programmer gets on it. An image comes up on screen, showing four food groups in four layers inside a pyramid. Grains take the bottom, widest layer, followed by fruits and vegetables, meat and dairy, and fats and oils narrowing to a point at the top] Cartman: What, what is it? What is it for? Tom Vilsack: We built the pyramid a long time ago to illustrate how much people should eat of the four basic food groups. Programmer: Sir, we abandoned the pyramid when Michelle Obama got involved. Tom Vilsack: The pyramid down't work. We already tried it. Cartman: It's upside down. Tom Vilsack: What? Cartman: Sir, the pyramid is upside down. Tom Vilsack: Turn the pyramid upside down. Programmer 2: You can't be serious. That would put butter and fat at the top of the- Tom Vilsack: Flip the damned food pyramid! Michael Taylor: This is NOT FDA-approved! Tom Vilsack: It's dinnertime on the east coast in ten minutes! Now DO IT! [the programmers get on it] Programmer 3: Sir, we've got a match. Programmer 4: Nutrition is stabilizing! Programmer 5: We've got a well-balanced vaccine, sir! [everyone cheers] Tom Vilsack: Get the President on the phone. Tell him... to have some steak with his butter. Scene Description: The awesome party, day. The boys came through, everyone in town is there. Mr. Garrison serves steaks with large bars of butter to Mr. Mackey and Principal Victoria. "We love you Scott." Photo booth, soda station Craig: [with butter on a stick] Well, I gotta admit, you guys throw a pretty sweet party. Kyle: Hey, we'd do anything for our bros, man. Scott: [approaches with a plate of butter on a stick] Would you guys care for a frozen butter pop? Kyle: We're good, Scott. Stop bugging us. [Scott walks away] Tom Vilsack: We really dodged a bullet, young man. Thanks to you, America knows what to eat again. Cartman: Yeah well, I'm glad people aren't mad at you anymore. I know what that feels like. Tom Vilsack: We're gonna get a better view of the stage. Cartman: Yeah yeah, enjoy the party. [takes a couple of steps and notices the ghost of Aunt Jemima over a fence. He waves at her. She waves back.] Jeff White: Wait till my girls see that I was at a party with Lorde! Clyde: I'm glad the food is good. Lorde sucks. Jimmy: Yeah, she isn't as hot in person. Randy: [dressed up as Lorde] Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. I am Lorde, yeah yeah yeah. Lorde, Lorde. Call me Lorde yeah yeah yeah. Yeah yeah yeah. Stan: Hey Wendy, you havin' fun? Wendy: Yeah, sure. You guys really pulled it off. Stan: Yeah, well, I just couldn't sit around while my dad was locked away. I love him and he needed me. Wendy: You're so transparent, Stan. Stan: What does that mean? Wendy: You wanna dance? [he looks back at her, smiles, and goes to dance with her.] Randy: We love the city, yeah yeah yeah, 'cause I am Lorde. I am Lorde. Lorde Lorde Lorde Lorde yeah yeah yeah.

Scene Description: The bus stop, morning. The boys wait for the bus, but Cartman seems particularly steamed today. His right hand is in his jacket pocket, and angry music plays Cartman: [thinking] Another morning. Waiting for the run-down school bus to take me to the run-down school. But today is the day I finally have the guts to do what I should've done a long time ago. [looks down at Stan's feet, than at Kyle's] Nobody notices what I have in my front pocket. A little surprise for them all. [Stan notices and looks. Cartman notices Stan and shoves his hand further into his pocket. Stan looks at Cartman and steps away from him.] I'm prepared for this, but still I wonder.. Will I have the guts to go through with it? Damn right I will! [Kyle notices Cartman's anger] Kyle: Are you okay, Cartman? Cartman: [brightens up] Yeah, I'm good. How are you, Kyle? [settles into angry funk again and thinks] They're all gonna pay! Every day they pushed me and pushed, and if it happens again today, it's going to be the last time. [Kyle and Kenny look at each other, then they look at Cartman] We'll find out today at recess, won't we? Oh yes, we'll find out today at recess. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, a couple hours later. Cartman heads for the boys room and enters. He has some magazines with him Butters: [at the urinal, pants down] Hey Eric! I'm not suspended no more. Cartman: Good for you. [tries to get into the first stall, but finds it locked] Butters: [looks over] I think someone's in there. Cartman: No, God damn it, no! [pounds on the door] Who's takin' a shit?! Craig: [from inside] Occupied. Cartman: I called dibs on Stall 1 for all recess, Craig! Craig: You can't call dibs on a toilet. Cartman: Son of a bitch! [moves on to Stall 2, tries to open it, and finds it locked too.] Oh, no! NO NO NO! I cannot go another lunch break without my toilet time! Kyle: [from inside] Then don't eat 14 Eggo waffles for lunch, fatass! Cartman: ALL RIGHT, THAT DOES IT! [turns around and walks toward the door]I'M SICK OF THIS SHIT AND I'M NOT [throws his magazines to the floor] GONNA BE TAKING IT ANY LONGER! [reaches into his jacket pocket] You all pushed me to this! [pulls out a pink bow and plops it on to his hat, then continues out the door. Butters just looks on. Cartman leaves the boys' room and enters the girls' room. Wendy and Bebe are at the mirror. Cartman looks around for a moment. Wendy is quick to notice, and then faces him. Cartman heads for a stall and Wendy blocks him] Wendy: What the hell do you think you're doing? Cartman: I'm going to the potty. Wendy: This is the girls' bathroom! Cartman: Alright, I need to tell you something, Wendy. I'm transginger. Wendy: What?! Cartman: Did you notice the bow? [points to it] I'm not comfortable with the sex I was assigned at birth, so I'm exercising my right to identify with the gender of my choice. Now get out of my way, I have to take a shit. [barges into Stall 1, locks it, drops his pants, and sits down. Wendy shrugs with her palms up. The first poop falls and Wendy and Bebe recoil] Aaahhh! Wendy: Get out of here! Cartman: Don't give me any more issues than I already have, Wendy! [drops another deuce] Oh wow, this is nice in here. The girls' bathroom is a lot cleaner than the boys'. [groans to get another deuce out, followed by a fart. Red comes out of Stall 2] Red: What the hell is that?! Wendy: Cartman is using our bathroom! Cartman: Dude, this is awesome. I should've used the girls' bathroom a long time ago. Red: [pointing an accusing finger] Hey! I'm gonna tell on you! Cartman: It's okay, Red. I can take a shit here. I'm a dumb chick too. [farts and poops some more] Scene Description: Principal's office, moments later Principal Victoria: I want to know just what makes you think it's okay to go inside the girls bathroom! Cartman: Because I'm transginger. I looked it up: that means I can use the girl's shitter. Principal Victoria: You are not transgender, Eric! You don't even know what that means! Cartman: Yeah uh-huh, it means I live a life of torture and confusion because society sees me as a boy, but I'm really a girl. Principal Victoria: All right, well, if you identify yourself as a girl, you must find yourself attracted to boys. Is that right?! Cartman: That's actually not true. I can be transginger without it having anything to do with the ginger I'm attracted to. Check the state bylaws. Principal Victoria: Alright, listen, Eric! Cartman: Erica. Principal Victoria: Listen, Eric! You must know why we can't have you in the girls bathroom! Cartman: All I know is I'm transginger, and you can't make me go to the bathroom with the cisgingers. Principal Victoria: With the what?! Scene Description: Faculty room, later. Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey sit at the table as Mr. Garrison looks outside Mr. Garrison: Cisgender. It's the politically correct name for people who aren't transgender. If you identify with the sex you were born with, then you're cis. Mr. Mackey: But then cisgender-ed is just normal Mr. Garrison: [faces Mackey and Victoria] Saying "normal" is extremely offensive to people who aren't in that group. [gets emphatic] Trust me, you don't want this hot potato! Just let him use the girl's room! Principal Victoria: But this isn't a hurt and confused child we're talking about. This is Eric Cartman. Mr. Garrison: Nobody else is gonna know that. You better just give him what he wants. Principal Victoria: Sooo Eric Cartman just has us in some kind of bathroom checkmate? Mr. Garrison: Actually, [turns around and looks outside again] it's more like a royal flush. Scene Description: The Broflovski house, day. A reporter stops by and rings the doorbell. Gerald opens the door Reporter: Gerald Broflovski? Gerald: Yes? Brandon Carlile: Brandon Carlile, reporter, Spin Magazine. I was hoping you could help me... make sense of somethin'. I understand you had a very large party in your back yard last... last Sunday, was it? Gerald: That's right. [Sheila appears in the background] My son and his friends throw a party for a kid with diabetes. Brandon Carlile: I also understand that a very famous pop artist, Lorde, was the entertainment at that party. Gerald: Oh yeah, yeah, the kids were pretty excited. Brandon Carlile: Well it, eh, it's just a little curious, you know? Why a hugely popular Top-20 artist would play such a... well no offence, but such a humble venue? Gerald: ...Sorry, I don't think I get your- Brandon Carlile: You understand, we deal with a lot of fake stories at Spin. [glances at his pen] Was just wondering how the boys got someone like Lorde to play. Gerald: From what I understand, she's the niece of someone's coworker here in town or something. Brandon Carlile: You wouldn't know who? Gerald: No. Does it really matter? Brandon Carlile: [slow zoom] Lorde is an incredibly talented and down-to-earth young lady. It would be a shame if someone was... having fun at her expense. Scene Description: The Marsh laundry room. Sharon is sorting clothes. She sees that Steamy Ray Vaughn is still around, from the brown streaks in Randy's briefs. She pulls out the briefs from two pairs of Randy's pants, but is intrigued when she looks into the third pair. She pulls out... some fishnet stockings and her eyes open wide. Scene Description: The living room, moments later. Randy's on the couch sipping on Pabst Blue Ribbon. Sharon: [walks up with the stockings] Randy? Whose are these? Randy: [sits up] Aaah, I don't know. Why? Sharon: Why? Because there's fishnet stockings inside your jeans? Randy: In my jeans? Sharon: Randy? Do you have something to tell me? Randy: [gives in] ...Yeah. I do. Scene Description: Girls room, recess, next day. Wendy, Bebe, Red, and a new girl stand with their jackets over their noses, the smell is so bad. Cartman is in there again. The girl looks like the singer Sia, so we'll go with that. Red: [bangs on the wall on one side of stall 1] Come on! You've been in there for twenty minutes! Sia: Yeah! Recess is almost over! Cartman: There's two more stall in here, gals. Go ahead. Sia: Not while you're in here! Cartman: Oh my God, you guys are so cisginger. Sorry I'm different, but you can just suck my clit AND my balls. Wendy: Eric, there are people actually struggling with their gender identity and all you're doing is- Cartman: Okay, okay, okay, you guys! You know what? You know what? [drops a deuce] That's what. [laughs his ass off. Principal Victoria walks in behind the girls] Suck my clit and balls. Principal Victoria: Erica, I believe we have a solution to this little problem. Cartman: I don't have a problem, Principal Victoria, the cisgenders have the problem. [poops and farts] Principal Victoria: If it is agreeable to you, Erica, we are going to clear out the janitor's closet and remodel it into a private bathroom just for you! [Cartman farts one last time, cleans up, and leaves the stall] Cartman: Excuse me, are you talking about... my own special executive bathroom? Principal Victoria: Would that be agreeable to you? Cartman: OH MY GOD!!! Wendy: That isn't fair! Red: Wendy, just go with it! Cartman: Yeah, just go with it, Wendy, cisginger bitch! Of course, being forced into my own isolated will probably be somewhat traumatic for me. I might have to approve certain aspects of this... solitary location. Scene Description: The janitor's closet. Cartman plans out his new restroom with an interior designer Cartman: Yeah sooo I'm thinking of water feature here, you know. get the sound of running water, yeah kind of Zen it out. Designer: Uh huh, well why don't you put the water feature on this side? Cartman: Oh on that side? Designer: You know, because you've already got AC over here and that leaves this open for some nice big piece of art on this wall. Cartman: Oh, I like that. That's gonna look nice, yeah. Scene Description: The Marsh house, night. Randy enters his garage, pulls out his phone, and taps in a number. Someone picks up Randy: Yeah, listen. I don't know if I can keep doing this. My wife is starting to suspect something. I just had to tell her I like the way fishnets feel. Record Producer: [in his chair at his desk, facing away from the camera] I know your wife means a lot to you, Randy, [turns around in his chair] but you can't leave us hanging. You've got the purest shit out there; it's worth a lot to us. Randy: You think you're gonna get a good product when I can't even think?! Record Producer: How many times have you said "I think I've lost it" and everything turned out to be okay? Randy: Every time? Record Producer: Every time. Come on. Get back to work and see. If you get panicked again, call me. Randy: Yeah. Yeah I will. Yup. [hangs up. He walks up to a poster and moves it to one side, revealing a hole in the wall with stacks of bills inside. He pulls out some more bills from his back pocket and adds them to the stacks] Scene Description: The Record Producer's office. A young man walks in. The producer looks out the window Ron: You wanted to see me? Record Producer: Sit down, Ron. [Ron sits] Whattaya know about one of our artists, Lorde? Ron: [shrugs] Seventeen-year-old girl from New Zealand, great songwriter, [shrugs] humble. Record Producer: Wrong. [turns to face him] She's a 45-year-old man in Colorado. Ron: What? Record Producer: He writes the songs, sends us the demos, we fudge them, sell them as a brooding 17-year-old girl way ahead of her time, and nobody knows the difference. Ron: Huh. [the realization sinks in] Holy shit. Record Producer: He makes good stuff. Stuff that sells. But he's getting edgy feet. I want you to keep an eye on him. And if anyone around him seems like they're close to finding out the truth, well... you know what to do. Scene Description: The Marsh house, master bedroom. Randy's at the foot of the bed with guitar in hand and some lyrics on the bed Randy: Lorde Lorde Lorde. Lorde Lorde Lorde I am Lorde. I am L- I am Lorde. I am Lorde. Lorde Lorde Lorde. Sharon: [appears at the bedroom door] Randy? Randy: [drops the guitar and gathers up his sheets] I, I, thought you were at the grocery store. [chuckles] Sharon: I was. Can you help me unload the car? [turns left and walks away] Randy: Help me unload the c-car. Help me unload, load the car. Yah yah yah. Unloadin'. Unload yah yah yah. Sharon: [comes back and peeks inside] Randy? Randy: [loses his sheets] Sorry. Sorry, yeah. Coming. [follows her to the car] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. A new restroom, Other, replaces the janitor's closet. A workman drills in the final screws for the OTHER sign. Butters and Craig observe him, Craig and Token walk up. The workman finishes up as Stan arrives Stan: What is that? Butters: That's Cartman's new transgender bathroom. Stan: Cartman's a girl now? Butters: He's not a woman, he's not a man, he is something that you'll never understand. But he would die for me. [turns around and walks away.] Cartman: [rushes up] It it done?! It is all ready?! Alright alright, move aside everybody, move aside please. I gotta go. [opens the door, looks inside and grins. Inside is one of the fanciest restrooms one will ever see. Icicle lights all around, waterfall to the left, fancy commode to the right, plush towels and toilet seat cover. Triumphant music plays] Oh! Ahm. This is gonna be so awesome. [closes and locks the door] Aha! Lock! Privacy. Oh, this is gonna feel so good! [claps twice - he's got the Clapper feature in there. The lights dim and Vivaldi's Spring begins to play] Perfect. [reaches over for a cat-o-five-tails and begins whipping the toilet with it] Yeah, you're gonna take it. You're all alone now, toilet. Nobody can hear you scream. Yeah, you're gonna open wide. [the kids nearby just stand there shocked] You're gonna TAKE your punishment! That's right! Get ready! [remembers there are people outside] Oh my God, this is so awesome, you guys! It's just like at home! Scene Description: Skeeter's Bar and Cocktails, night. Nelson is at the bar. Brandon Carlile appears nearby Brandon Carlile: Peter Nelson? Nelson: Yes? Brandon Carlile: [pulls up a stool next to him] Brandon Carlile, reporter, Spin Magazine. I understand you work at the U.S. Geological Survey? Nelson: Yeah, that's right. Brandon Carlile: I also understand that you're the uncle of the amazing and talented songwriter, Lorde? Nelson: [sighs] Alright, look, I am not her uncle. I I just work with her, okay? Brandon Carlile: Work with her? How? [they move to a booth for some privacy] Nelson: I like Lorde. Uh she's really nice and really talented. But she lives a double life. Brandon Carlile: How's that? Nelson: Lorde isn't just a singer, she's also a very talented scientist who specializes in fluvial geomorphology. Brandon Carlile: The what? Nelson: She just showed up one day at the office and started filling in for a guy who started working part time. She's a good geologist. When her music career took off we thought she'd be gone, but she still shows up. Usually right after lunch. [Brandon tries to figure out what to write, but draws a blank] Scene Description: South Park Elementary. Cartman walks down the hallway singing to himself Clyde: Hey Cartman. Heard you're transgender. Cartman: Yup! You know what Hillary says: "You can suck my clit and balls." [goes into his bathroom] Red: [talking to Bebe nearby] Well I know I'm not even gonna get it done. I swear, he gives us too much homework anyway. I- Wendy: Hey guys. [all look and stare. Wendy walks down the hallway dressed as her male persona, Wendyl, in t-shirt and vest, purple pants, hair pinned back.] Red: ...Wendy? Wendy: How's it hanging'? Craig: Whoa.. Jenny: Huh? Jason: Whoa, wait, is that? Butters: Holy moly! [Wendy pulls out a key and goes into the Other bathroom] Cartman: Hey, what the fuck, dude?! Do you mind? This is occupied! Wendy: It's cool. I'll wait. Cartman: DUDE, THIS IS MY FUCKING BATHROOM! Scene Description: Principal Victoria's office, moments later. Wendy and Cartman are present Cartman: I want her suspended, and I want charges brought up for sexual harassment! Principal Victoria: I'm sorry Erica, but I spoke with Wendyl this morning and she's not comfortable- Cartman: Wendyl?! Fucking Wendyl?! Grow up, Wendy! Principal Victoria: You'll just have to share, Eric. Why can't you understand that? Cartman: BECAUSE I DON'T WANT A CHICK WATCHING ME GO POO! Principal Victoria: I thought you were a chick. Cartman: NO! I IDENTIFY AS A CHICK, BUT I'M STILL A BOY. YOU CAN'T MAKE ME SHARE A BATHROOM WITH A GIRL THAT IDENTIFIES HERSELF AS A FUCKING DUDE! [thinks for a few seconds] That is MY waterfall, and those are MY Christmas lights! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, later. Stan is at his locker Cartman: [runs up to Stan] Dude! You need to put a tighter leash on your dog! Stan: [surprised] What? Cartman: Do you know your girlfriend's going around tellin' everyone that you're gay?! [Stan looks around] Oh yeah! She's got the whole school believin' that she's attracted to girls, but she's dating you! So what does that make you, Stan?! A girl! STAN-AN'S A GIR-RL! You'd better curb your dog, Stan! You'd better curb your dog before people start ripping on you! [walks away] Scene Description: Shelly's room, evening. Randy knocks at her door Randy: Shelly, that's enough time on your phone. Shelly: Leave me alone, Dad! Stop nagging me all the time! Randy: You know we're all cutting down on phone time. Shelly: [sits up] Don't limit me! You don't even understand me! Randy: [sees a poster of himself as Lorde] Yeah. I don't understand you at all. A lot you know. [walks away saddened] Scene Description: The Marsh garage, moments later. Randy is adding more stacks to the stacks of bills he's hidden behind the poster. A door opens and Randy quickly seals up the hole. He gets to his workbench just as Stan closes the door. Stan: Uh hey Dad. I need to talk to you. Randy: Oh really? A-About... about what? Stan: Dad, is it possible for someone to be one way on the outside but totally different on the inside? [Randy sighs deeply and stands up to walk] I mean, can someone identify as one sex but be something else but still have it be nothing about sex? Randy: Yes. Yes, Stan. I am Lorde. Stan: ...What? Randy: It started off so simple. There's a guy at work. Hanson. He would use the bathroom and just blow the thing up, you know? Not only that, but he was in there all the time! I finally got fed up and pretended to be a woman. I called myself Lorde. Have you ever been in a woman's bathroom, Stan? It's all clean and there's enough stalls for everyone. It was so freeing. I started singing while I was in there, and then I- started writing things down. Stan: Well you said you knew a guy at work who was Lorde's uncle. Randy: Yah, that's my cover. Stan: The chick that wrote the theme song to the new Hunger Games, is you? Randy: Yeah. [turns around and faces Stan] The record company messed it all up. It was supposed to go "Hunger Games, yah yah yah, yah yah yah! Hunger Games." But they just- do what they want with my songs. Stan: Wha-wait, Lorde sounds like a girl. Randy: Autotune. Wanna see how I do it? [moments later, a music program pops up. Twelve tracks are shown at lower left] I come up with all my best stuff in the bathroom at work. I use this program to import the recordings I make on my phone. [plays the highlighted track] "Yeah yeah, feeling good on a Wednesday. Sparklinnnnn' thoughts. Givin' me the hope to go ohhhn" [farts and poop noises] "Oh! Whoa. What I need now is a little bit of shelter." Stan: Dad, Lorde's music is actually really good. Randy: Thanks. But it gets even better when I add the drum loops. [replays the same track with drum loops added] Then with the computer I can actually quantize everything. [brings up the quantizer and chooses his settings] Backup instruments. [scale, beats, bass, tambourine, guitars, strings] And then finally I use the Autotune. ["Auto-Tuner v10." He chooses his settings there, and the song is transformed. The same track is now enhanced with Sia's voice and no trace of Randy] "Sparklin' thoughts, feelin' good on a Wednesday. Givin' me the hope, givin' givin' me the hope to go ohhhn. What I need is a little bit of shelter." [this is all too much for Stan to take in, and he passes out. Randy notices] Stan? Scene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. Stan is in the hallway looking at the restrooms, weighing his options Butters: [walks past Stan, then stops] Hey! Everything okay, Stan? Stan: ...I don't know where I belong... Butters: Just hold it. That's what I do now. [continues on his way. Stan walks towards the girls room, but veers left to look at the boys room. Then he spins round and walks to the Other room, whips out his key for it, and goes in.] Cartman: HEY, WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE?! GOD FUCKING DAMN IT! Scene Description: Principal Victoria's office, moments later. Stan and Cartman are present Cartman: Why don't we just have everyone use the transgender bathroom?! Principal Victoria: Stanley, do you have a reason for not using the boys bathroom? Stan: I, I just... Two people close to me are having gender identity issues and I'm, I'm confused. Cartman: He's cisginger! He's so cis he wears a jockstrap to bed at night! Scene Description: U.S. Geological Survey, Colorado, day. Quite the busy office space. At the boss's office, someone knocks and opens his door Randy: [in his Lorde attire.] You wanted to see me, boss? Boss: Yes. Please have a seat, Lorde. Randy: [closes the door and sits next to a woman] Hi Carol. Carol: [avoiding eye contact] Lorde. Boss: Lorde, we're all big fans of your music and we think the world of you for staying and working here even after your music career took off. Randy: Well, my music and fluvial geomorphology are intertwined. Boss: Amazing, yeah. Uh... Lorde... for some time now the females at this office have been pressuring me to... uh... find your own space... to go to the bathroom. [a few seconds of silence] Everyone loves you, but we thought it would be great if you had your very own executive bathroom. [whips out an executive key] Randy: I like the women's bathroom. I feel safe there. Being able to use that bathroom is critical to my identity, to my music. Carol: My girls are big fans of your music, Lorde, but the women here aren't comfortable sharing a bathroom with [stops herself immediately] Randy: With what? [moments of awkward glances follow] With what? [getting no answer, he gets up and leaves.] Scene Description: E! breaking news Announcer: You are watching E! Entertainment News! That's how low you've sunk. Anchor: It's been several days and still there's no sign of the pop singer Lorde. The singer went dark on Twitter claiming severe depression, and stating [the statement goes up on screen] "I realize now that I make people uncomfortable. I need to give this up and go back to just being the old me." Spin Magazine is claiming they know the reason for the sudden exit, and will be releasing a tell-all article about the troubled artist next week. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Stan walks down the crowded hall when he's stopped by Cartman Cartman: Oh, here he comes, everyone! It's the cisginger! Think you can harass transgingers and use their bathroom?! Butters: Yeah, what's the big idea harassing Erica, Stan?! Cartman: At this school, it doesn't matter if you're trans or you're cis, right guys?! [the other kids agree, but not strongly] What we have a problem with are cisgingers who are intolerant! You know what we call those? Cissies! Butters: Yeah! Stan's a big old fat cissy! Clyde: [steps forward] Awe, come on, lay off him guys. Cartman: Oh, what are you?! A cissy too, Clyde?! Clyde: No, no, just he is. [retreats and walks away] Scene Description: The Marsh house, day, backyard. Randy sits at a picnic table alone with his thoughts and a beer. Sharon walks out Sharon: You just gonna drink beer alone all day? Randy: [Raises up his Pabst to show Sharon] It's okay, it's gluten free. Sharon: All right. [turns around and goes back towards the house, but stops and looks back] Do you know why young people like Lorde so much. [Randy sits up and looks over his shoulder] It's because she's something different. Kids have had pop music artists flash tits and crotch in their face, and most kids are actually smart enough to be sick of it. Lorde represents something in all of us, the truth that wants to be heard. If I could talk to Lorde right now, you know what I'd tell her? I'd tell her not to let people change who she is. I'd tell her that if people are making fun of her, it's probably because they lost touch with being human. I'd tell her to keep on doing what she does, because when someone's not allowed to express who they are inside, then we all lose. That's... what I would say to Lorde. [goes back inside the house and closes the sliding door] "Lorde": [Randy's finished song, "Feelin' Good On A Wednesday / Push"] Feelin' good on a Wednesday The image of me that you see Is distorted, twisted, broken, fractured Isolated, miles out to sea I don't want a separate place. I need to feel safe, not thrown away, away, away. And I will push (push) To tear down the walls (push, push) Of this box you put me in (push, push) Because you don't understand (push ow hot, push ow ow hot) You push To find a label that fits me. I'm feelin' good on a Wednesday With sparklin' thoughts Help me unload the car, yah yah yah And so I push To close the door Of the stall you've made for me, To keep me away. And now we push Push to stand together Because I am Lorde (yah yah yah) Yah yah yah, I am Lorde I am Lorde, yah yah yah Yah yah yah, I am Lorde Yah yah yah Yah yah yah, I am Lorde Yah yah yah [While the song plays, the following montage flows: camera closes in on Randy's face, then on a toilet. Some of the lyrics, handwritten on yellow rule paper, scroll past. Stan looks at the restrooms again. More lyrics. The demos are playing for the record producer and Ron, and they like it. More lyrics. Two sisters listen to the song on an iPhone in the kitchen. Their mother Carol looks on from the doorway. She returns to the office the next day and stops the boss from putting up the transgender sign on a bathroom. They both listen to the song, and like it. Shelly is wearing her headphones joyfully dancing to the song. Randy looks in and smiles. Principal Victoria waves a pencil around as if she were conducting an arrangement for this song. Bebe is listening to it with Milly and Nelly in her bedroom. Butters is in his own room wearing a pink tutu and dancing away. More lyrics. Brandon Carlile is at his desk looking at his article. He moves to delete it, and it's gone. He shuts down his computer and leaves] Scene Description: South Park Elementary Gymnasium that still has damage from the Butter's fire. Principal Victoria is going to announce something. Mr. Garrison and Mr. Mackey sit off to one side Principal Victoria: And so it is with great pride that I can announce the student body has elected to get rid of the transgender bathroom, and give any fellow student the right to use the bathroom they feel most comfortable in. [cheering erupts from the students] Cartman: I don't wanna use the girls bathroom if anyone can use it! It's gonna be all crowded. [pulls off his bow and throws it to the ground.] Principal Victoria: Anyone who has a problem sharing a bathroom with people who might be transgender will have to use the special designated bathroom designed to keep them away from the normal people who don't care. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway. Stan heads for the boys room when Butters exits Butters: Hey! Where do you think you're going?! Stan: To the bathroom? Butters: Oh no you don't! You've gotta use the cissy bathroom! [points to the Cissies bathroom, which used to be the Other bathroom] Well go on, cissy! [Stan walks over to the cissies bathroom and goes in. Butters smiles and walks away. The cissies bathroom is just the Other bathroom with a new plaque on it. Stan claps twice and the lights go down. Vivaldi's "Spring" plays] Stan: Wow, this is is pretty nice. [drops trousers and settles in, then begins singing] Feelin' good on a Monday. Got my space, all the freedom I need. Yah yah yah By myself, yah yah yah

Scene Description: The Bijou, night. A movie has ended, probably "Gone Girl," and moviegoers are now going home. Among them are Gerald and Sheila Broflovski, Stephen and Linda Stotch, and Bob and Linda Black. Stephen: [with phone in hand] Well that was a lot of fun. Thanks for inviting us, guys. Sheila: Sure. You bet. Gerald: Are you guys parked over here? Stephen: Oh nonono, we took a Handicar. It was easier that way. Gerald: A Handicar? What's that? Linda: You don't use Handicar? Stephen: No, see, you just get the Handicar app. It uses GPS to locate where you are, and the Handicar comes and picks you up. Gerald: Wow... Stephen: Yeah, and it's cheaper than a taxi. I'm telling you, it's the future of transportation. Oh, here it comes. [sees Linda talking to the Blacks] Honey, our Handicar is here. Timmy: Timmy! [Linda waves goodbye to the Blacks and she joins Stephen in the Handicar, driven by Timmy.] Stephen: Have fun drivin' home. I'll be relaxing on my iPad. [The Handicar is a wheelchair with a Lil Zipper attached. The Lil Zipper is equipped with a table setting for two, including a candle and flower in vase.] Gerald: Lucky. Timmy: Timmy. [pulls away] Stephen: Download the app! It works great! [Gerald whips out his phone and goes looking for the app. He finds it and downloads it.] Scene Description: South Park, day. A cab goes down the street. A Russian driver is shown with his passenger Passenger: Ahh, [pinches his nose] Excuse me, I think someone puked back here. [pinches his nose again] Russian: You don't like puke? Passenger: Could you turn the radio down and the air conditioning up, please? Russian: No air conditioning. Too expensive. [the light turns red and the driver brakes hard, causing the passenger to hit his head on the back of the front seat.] Passenger: Agh! Russian: Not enough people taking cab. Don't know what's wrong! Timmy: Timmih! [both driver and passenger look to the right. Timmy drives by in his wheelchair towing a man in his Lil Zipper, which is equipped with a table, tablecloth, candle, and two chairs. The man is sipping wine.] Russian: What the fuck? Scene Description: The Hummer car dealership, day. Mr. Stevenson is on the sidewalk trying to drum up some business. Mr. Stevenson: We've got a big sales event going on, folks. [sees two men across the street] Hey guys. Can I get you in a 2014 Hummer? Rocktober sales event, guys. Younger man: No thanks. Mr. Stevenson: [plays some air guitar] Only a few more guitar licks left in Rocktober, guys. Older man: We're good. Shut up! [Timmy pulls up] Younger man: Oh, here's our Handicar. Timmy: Timmy. [he stops, and the men get in.] Mr. Stevenson: The fuck? Scene Description: A meeting room, day. Three counselors stand before a group of handicapped kids. Among them are Jimmy, Francis, and Timmy. Counselor Steve begins to speak Steve: All right, kids, you know what time of year this is? [the handicapped kids cheer] That's right, it's autumn! And that means our fundraising for next year's summer camp is in full gear. Is everyone psyched for next year's summer camp? All: Yeeaahhh! Steve: So far, Jimmy has raised $16! All: Yeeaahhh! Steve: Francis has raised $29.32 [the kids cheer] And Timmy has raised $2,063.00! Timmy: Timmy! [the other kids cheer] Steve: All righty, if you guys keep this up, we'll raise the money for summer camp in no time! [the kids cheer. Off to the side, in the open doorway, are Nathan and Mimsy.] Nathan: [turns around. Mimsy does too.] I won't do it, Mimsy. I won't spend another summer at that stupid camp. Mimsy: D'awww, we don't like camp, boss? Nathan: We hate camp, Mimsy. The singing, the competitions, Jimmy Valmer getting all the chicks. Mimsy: D'oh yeah and don't forget last year at summer camp, you got raped by a shark. [laughs. Nathan jumps in the air and smacks Mimsy on the right cheek with his left hand] Nathan: Shut up, Mimsyyyy! I'm not gonna spend my summer trapped at that camp with these punch-happy assholes. We gotta find a way to put Handicar out of business, and fast. Mimsy: D'ah oh boy! We're gonna wreck Timmy's business, huh boss? Nathan: Shh-shh. [the counselor reaches them] Steve: Hey boys, are you excited for camp next year? Nathan: Yes, Counselor Steve. We like the tug-of-waaarr. Steve: All right. Well, just keep working on those donations. [leaves] Nathan: Come on, Mimsy, we gotta figure out how we're gonna make Handicar a thing of the past. Mimsy: D'oh boy! Scene Description: Park County Community Center, night. The parking lot is full of cabs. Inside are three SP Taxi drivers, an SP Cabbie, and Mr. Stevenson SP cabbie: [wears an SP Cab hat] We are united as brothers, because jast as Handicar has taken away jobs from honest, hard-working cab drivers, it's also taken food [slams his fist on the podium] from the mouths of the children of car salesmen! Mr. Stevenson: Well I don't have any children. Russian: Who does this handicapped boy think he is?! He's not even in union! Arab: He's taking all our business because people find it more coomvenient. SP cabbie: Aaand, because he's handicapped, he can use special access points and parking spaces. That kid was born with an unfair advantage! Arab: Who is this rat?! Nathan: His name is Timmy Burch. [the adults turn to look at him] And if you don't do something quick, you're all gonna be out of work for good. American: Who are you?! Nathan: Just someone who doesn't like to see hard workers like yourselves lose their jobs. That's all. Russian: Nobody takes jobs away from US! We need to speak to Mayor and tell her to shut down this illegitimate business! Arab: Or maybe we can have the police shut him down! Mimsy: Hey I got an idea! Why don't you guys just make your cars cleaner and nicer, and try to be better to your customers so that you can compete with Handicar's popularity in the marketplace? Nathan: Just ignore my friend. He's mentally disabled. Mimsy: Aw yeah, don't mind me. Nathan: Now listen, everybody. If you're a sheepherder, and there's a snake taking away your sheep, what do you do to the snake? Mr. Stevenson: Offer it last year's Christmas in Rocksummer prizes? Nathan: No, you fucking moron! You kill... the snake! [the drivers look at each other] Scene Description: Timmy's room, night. He's fast asleep when several shadows pop up outside his window. It turns out to be the SP cabbie, followed by the Russian and Arab cabbies. SP cabbie: Hey wake up, you little scab! Timmy: [waking up] Tutih Tuh-Timmih? SP cabbie: We got a message for ya! From the union. [holds up a bat. The three cab drivers begin beating Timmy with baseball bats] Scene Description: South Park, next day, daytime. Nathan and Mimsy walk along a sidewalk Nathan: Just imagine it, Mimsy. A whole summer to ourselves to do what we want. It's going to be awesome. [The curb has a line of cabs on it, and they come across the cabbies who visited Timmy the night before.] Well well, hello gentlemen. I understand you've taken care of our little problem? SP cabbie: Yeah, we sure did! Russian: Let's just say he'll be laid up a while. SP cabbie: Yeah. We snuck in his room last night and we... broke his legs! Nathan: Oh boy, that's great-wait, you what?? Timmy: Timmy! [drives by, seemingly unharmed] Randy: [taking a ride in the Handicar] I am Lorde. Lawdy Lawdy Lorde. Russian: But we broke his legs. Both of them. Nathan: Let me give you guys a hot news flash: If you want to hurt a crippled kid, you don't break his FUCKING LEGS! Scene Description: The park, sometime later. Nathan and Mimsy sit on a bench Nathan: How can people be so ineffectual, Mimsy? Mimsy: D'uh I don't know, boss. Nathan: These are supposed to be men who care about their occupations. Mimsy: D'uh maybe if they're that incompetent we shouldn't be tryin' to save their jobs. Maybe Handicar is a kind of economic natural selection, where the more diligent workers are weeding out the useless ones. Drrrrr. Nathan: [smacks him again] Shut up, Mimsyyyy! Scene Description: In another part of town, Timmy is driving a woman home Woman 1: Right here is good. [gets off at her house] Thank you. I can just use the app to tip you, right? Timmy: Timmy! Woman 1: Ohohh, this is so handy! [goes to the front door] Thank you! Timmy: Timmy. [gets a new call from an unknown caller and answers it] Tiiimmih Timmih. Nathan: Hey Timmy, it's your friend from camp, Nathan. Timmy: Timmih! Nathan: Listen, you can't possibly handle all this business you're getting. Admit it. You've got more customers than you can handle. Timmy: [sighs] Timmih. Nathan: I've got an amazing idea. Why don't you let other people drive Handicars too? Think of all the money you could raise for camp if you expand your business. Timmy: [thinking it over] Hmmm, Timmih. Nathan: I'm sure you could find a lot of interested drivers. Timmy: [smiles] Timmy! [grins. He likes the idea] Nathan: That's great. Summer camp, here we come. [hangs up] Now kiss your business goodbye, asshole! Scene Description: A neighborhood, sometime later. Nathan is now in a wheelchair as a new Handicar driver Mimsy: D'ah I don't get it boss. I thought you hated Handicar. How come now you wanna work for 'em? Nathan: It's very simple, Mimsy. I'm gonna take down Handicar by being an employee who sexually harasses the passengers. Mimsy: D'ahhh, sexual harassment, boss? Nathan: It's simple. If you're a sheepherder and a snake is killing your sheep, you just need to have the snake get sued for sexual misconduct. Now, you find me a female passenger on that app and leave the rest to me. Mimsy: D'ah oh boy! Scene Description: Later, Nathan goes on his first drive as a Handicar driver. His phone indicates that he has a passenger waiting for a pick up close by Nathan: [arrives] Timmy. Hello ma'am. Handicar at your service. Climb on in. [she gets in without saying a word] So, let me ask you a question. Would you like to see my dick? Woman 2: [a transvestite] Sure. Would you like to see mine? Nathan: Uh oh! Scene Description: At the Men's restroom in the park, Nathan is heard getting pounded with some funny sound effects Nathan: Mimsy! Hel- help, Mimsy! [Mimsy approaches, but stays outside. The passenger exits the restroom and walks away. Nathan waddles out, hair and clothes disheveled] And I thought a shark was bad. [cartoon flourish at the end] Scene Description: The Broflovski house, evening. Gerald and Sheila exit and lock the door Gerald: Come on, honey. It says our Handicar is just pulling up. Stephen: Timmy! Oh hi, Gerald, Sheila. Gerald: Stephen, what are you doing? Stephen: You didn't know? Anyone can be a Handicar driver now. All you have to do is get your own wheelchair and you can earn a Handicap. I've had my Handicap for about three days now. Get on in. [Gerald and Sheila get in, and Stephen pulls away.] I'm telling you Gerald, havin' a Handicar is a great way to make some money on the side. [other Handicar drivers begin to appear] HC driver 1: Timmy! Stephen: Timmy! HC driver 2: [a woman] Timmy! Stephen: The world of transportation is really changing, Gerald. Mimsy: [standing at a street corner with Nathan] D'aww gee, your idea to have Handicar expand really worked, boss. HC driver 3: [getting too close to the curb] 'Scuse me, out of my way, please. I have a Handicap. [drives off] Nathan: I had a handicap way before you got paid to have one! Mimsy: D'ahhh, you sound like that Matthew McConaughey guy. Ah "I drove a Lincoln way before I got paid to drive one." Drrrr. [Nathan smacks him again] Nathan: Shut up Mimsyyy! Scene Description: Tesla demonstration Announcer: [female] For the pat eight years Tesla has been the leading innovator in the world of automotive transport. And now the President and CEO of Tesla Motorcars, Elon Musk. [a robotic arm reaches out and grabs a platform behind one of the cars, and Elon Musk is on the platform. The arm sets him down at the foot of the stage as cameas flash away] Elon Musk: Today I am proud to announce the Tesla D, the most innovative and efficient world-friendly mode of transportation ever created. Any questions? Reporter 1: Yes, ahh, what about Handicar? Elon Musk: What about it?! Reporter 2: Well all over the country prople are realzing that using an app to ride-share is even more convenient and eco-friendly than electric cars. Reporter 3: How do you intend to compete with this boy genius in Colorado? [Elon Musk is not happy] Scene Description: Tesla Headquarters. day. An issue of of Tech Today is dropped onto a table next to a Tesla cup of coffee. Elon Musk: I am so sick of hearing about app-based ride-sharing! The future of transportation is the electric cars, not wheelchairs! Exec. 1: Don't worry, Elon. Handicar is just a small company. Exec. 2: Oh sure, operating in a few small towns, but when they start absorbing the taxi markets, bringing taxi sservice to any part of the world, driving your kids to and from school, delivering both people and things? Exec. 3: We can't compete with Handicar! It's just so damned handy! Elon Musk: If there is a way to reduce Handicar's positive publicity, then we need to do it now! [walks to the table and plants his hands on it] And you! You say it's theoretically possible? Nathan: Of course. It's very simple. If you're a sheepherder, and a snake is killing all your sheep, how do you get rid of the snake? Elon Musk: Who's the sheepherder? Nathan: You are. Exec. 4: Who's the snake? Nathan: Handicar. [a few seconds of silence follow] Mimsy: D'ah, it's an analogy. Nathan: [smacks Mimsy] Shut up Mimsyyy! [to Elom Musk] If you're a sheepherder, and a snake is killing your sheep, all you have to do is prove to the sheep that the snake is a completely inferior entity. [the Tesla execs look around at each other] Scene Description: South Park, day. Timmy is driving around town with a male passenger on his iPad. HC driver 4: [going the other way on the street] Timmy! Timmy: Timmy! [stops at an intersection. A Tesla car speeds up next to him. The passenger window comes down and Nathan looks at him] Nathan: Hey Timmy. How is the fundraising for camp going? Timmy: Timmih! [holds his right thumb up] Nathan: [looks ahead] That's great. I can't wait for camp this year. [looks at Timmy again] We are doing some fundraising too. Have you heard of my friend Elon Musk from Tesla? Elon Musk: Good day to you! Timmy: Timmih! Nathan: Hey, how would you like to have a friendly little race? It would be great publicity for your fundraising and for ours. Mimsy: [pops up] D'ah we're gonna get Timmy killed in the race, huh boss? Elon Musk: Shut up, Mimsy! [Mimsy reclines in his seat] Nathan: Whattaya say, Timmy? A friendly race this Saturday? We'll see you at 9am sharp. [the passenger window goes up, and they peel awat. The resulting wake almost blows the tablecloth off and Timmy's passenger almost losing his iPad keeping the tablecloth in place, At Skeeter's Bar and Coctails, a drunk patron walks out and a Handicar driver arrives to pick him up. He gets in, and they go away] Scene Description: Skeeter's Bar and Coctails, day, interior. Jimbo looks up at a TV monitor Jimbo: Hey everyone, you need to see this! [CNN Breaking News] CNN anchor: [with glasses] What started as a simple contest is quickly escalating into an international crisis. As electronic cars challenge the oil industry, and transportation alternatives fight for dominance, the unavoidable outcome may be a conflict the likes the world has not seen since the '70s. It appears that the world is once again on the brink [takes off his glasses] of Wacky Races. Randy: Wacky Races?! Holy shit! CNN anchor: The prime minister of Japan (Shinzo Abe is shown) insisted that any race would break the Treaty of Salzburg, which called for a cease-fire to the Wacky Races for their senseless brutality. They also claim that if a race does take place, they would have no choice but to enter their completely self-driven prototype Lexus into the conflict. The Canadians and Chinese are also saying they would be forced to race, and no one yet has heard from Dick Dastardly or Muttley. Unless a miracle happens, this Saturday morning the world will witness the fist Wacky Races in nearly 50 years. Scene Description: Food 4 Little, day. Shoppers rush in and get all the cereal they can get Shoppers: Wacky Races oh God! Wacky Races oh my God! Oh my God Wacky Races oh my God! Gerald: Randy, they're bringin' back Wacky Races Saturday monring! Randy: I know! Are we watching at your house?! Manager: That's it, everyone! We're out of cereal! Shoppers: No! I didn't get any! That guy has two! [more clamoring] Manager: There's none left, don't you understand?! Scene Description: The park at South Park, day. All the Handicar drivers are assembled, and Stephen Stotch holds court. Stephen: Don't you see what they're doing? This is just another example of corporations trying to keep down people with handicaps! HC driver 5: Don't do the race. You don't have to prove anything. [Timmy is shown, weary] HC driver 6: He HAS to do it, don't you see? He has people that are depending on him to raise as much money as possible. There are hundreds of people with handicaps now. Timmy: Timmih... HC driver 7: But isn't that the problem? I mean, let's face it, it's not like he's able to keep the driver quality up. Anyone can have a Handicap now. I mean, even Matthew McConaughey is a Handicar driver now, for Chrit's sake! Matthew McConaughey: Hey. [rolls up] I was drivin' a Handicar... way before I got paid to drive one. I just like how it feels. Stephen: Look, the point is that this is your opportunity to make Handicar- oops, sorry. [loses control of the wheelchair] Hold on, sorry, went too far. [comes back around] This is your opportunity to make Handicar thee transportation of thte future. Think what you could do with all that money. [Timmy begins to think over this] Scene Description: Wacky Races, Saturday morning. Each driver and car are shown as they are announced. Announcer: And here they are, the most daredevil group of shared-ride drivers ever to whirl their wheels in the Wacky Races, competing for the title of the future of transportation. Cars are approaching the starting line. First off is the Lyft car [a purple sedan with a huge pink mustache on the grill], a ride-sharing company out of San Francisco. next up is the ZipCar, a pay-by-the-hour concept based on Chinese bicycles. Maneuvering for position is the standard taxicab driven by an angry Russian. Right behind is the Hummer salesman in his 2014 Hummer No Class. And there's ingenious inventor Elon Musk in his new Tesla D. Oh, and here's the lovely Canadian actress Neve Campbell in the Canadian conept vehicle The Queef, powered completely on female natural gas. [she queefs to make it go faster] Next we have the Handicar with Timmy Burch. And there's the completely automated self-driving car from Japan. Limping along last are those double-dealing do-badders Dick Dasterdly and his sidekick Muttley. [Muttley snickers] And away they go on the way out Wacky Races. [a shot of the adults gathered in the Broflovski living room, with milk and Franken Berry and Kap'n Krunch cereals on the coffee table] And this live coverage of the event will be broadcast all morning, of course, on CNN. Stuart: Jesus. It's begun. Gerald: God help them all. Randy: All I know is... if Dastardly and Muttley are up to their old tricks, there's gonna be a lot of violence today. Scene Description: BBC World BBC announcer: You are watching BBC World. BBC anchor: The vioent conflict over transport is underway, and it is even more senseless and vile than many remember. We return you now to our live coverage of.. the Wacky Races. Scene Description: Wacky Races, Saturday monring. The race is well underway across Colorado. Announcer: As the Wacky Racers roll down the roadway, we see that the taxicab in in the lead, with Handicar pulling up the rear. Timmy: [way in back] Timmih! Announcer: [a map shows up] All the cars must follow the same route. First they'll leave the town of South Park, then navigate through Giggling Gulch on the final stretch to pick up the passenger, a Miss Dotty Applegate. Once the passenger is picked up, the vehicle must successfully deliver her to the destination point at her daughter's house in Morrison. [back to the race] It looks like the ZipCar is trying to vie for position past the Hummer vehicle. It's neck and neck as the Wacky Racers all push to be first to pick up the passenger. [An elderly lady waits for her ride at a Thrift Or Less store] Miss Applegate is waiting patiently. [the racers are shown] And Elon Musk's Tesla appears to take the lead. Nathan: Slow down. I need Timmy to pick up the passenger before we do. Elon Musk: But I though we wanted Handicar to lose the race! Nathan: He can't just lose the race, he has to get sued and lose the whole business. That's why when he picks up the passemger, I've got a little surprise waiting for him. [he shows off a control pad] Mimsy: D'ah hey boss, it seems like every time you come up with a plan it kind of backfires on ya. If you really don't wanna go to summer camp so bad, why don't you just tell your parents how you feel? [Nathan and Elon just look at him] You know, tell 'em you don't wanna go and just see how they react. [they keep loooking at him, and he gets a clue] Wait wait, I got it. [smacks himself] Shut up, Mimsy! Nathan: Hey Mimsy. Mimsy: [leans forward] Yeah? Nathan: [smacks him] Shut up! [Mimsy sits back] Announcer: The Canadian car overtakes the self-driving car. And now here comes the ZipCar, which is being driven by Matthew McConaughey. Matthew McConaughey: [nice mood music in the car] I was drivin' a ZipCar... way before I got paid to drive one. Announcer: And look at this! The Lyft car is the first to arrive and pick up the passenger. [Ms Applegate gets into the back seat, and the Lyft driver takes off] Now the Lyft car must take the passenger to her destination, but look at this! The Hummer salesman is running the Lyft car off the road! And the Hummer salesman is taking the passenger to the car and he is gong to let her drive herself! Mr. Stevenson: [pitching the Hummer to her] You've got a fully automated sound system and your sunroof is operated right here. What do you think? Huh? Can you see yourself in one of these puppies? Announcer: Elon Musk is using one of his kooky inventions to put the Hummer out of commission for good. [a cannon rises out of the Tesla and fires a shot at the Hummer. The missile hits the Hummer and blows it up.] Gerald: Wow. Randy: Geez! Stuart: God. Randy: Did you see that?! Oh! Announcer: The passenger is being taken to the Tesla D now. [Mr. Stevenson is dead, the Hummer is totaled. Musk escorts Miss Applegate, but the South Park taxi driver scoops her up] No way! She just got snatched by the pissed off Russian in his taxi. Miss Applegate is now in the back of the taxi and she's being forced to watch Jimmy Fallon. [Fallon is rubbing a giant pickle in his guest's face. Meanwhile, The Queef has stupped running] Uh oh, the Canadian car has completely run out of queefs. [Heve tries three times, but there are no more queefs in her] With the race neearly over, it's taxi out in front followed by self-driving car, and then pulling up in third is Handicar! Timmy: Timmih! Announcer: It's gonna be a close one! Dick Dastardly: Not too close, Boopsie! [Muttley snickers] Announcer: Oh no, Dick Dastardly is up to no-do-goodery again. Randy: Ohh! Ohh! Duuude! [Dick Dastardly saws a tree in two, and the tree falls on the taxi, destroying it and the self-driving car that runs into the taxi. The adults in the Broflovski living room react to this] Gerald: Oh no! Ohh! Sharon: Oh no, I can't watch! [shields her face.] Randy: Oooo! Booom! Mrs. McCormick: Ohohohh! Stuart: Nice! Oh yeah! [Sheila just hides her eyes] Announcer: And there's Handicar to pick Miss Applegate up. [she climbs in and the Tesla is pulling up fast] Nathan: That's it! Handicar has the passenger! We're almost in range! Another hundred feet! [sees a bunch of cars closing in on him on his phone] Wait a minute. What the hell are all those cars? [lowers his window] Holy shit! [sees a fleet of Handicar drivers coming at the Tesla] HC drivers: Timmy! Timmy! [the drivers just bunch up on the Tesla and push it over on its side] Elon Musk: Aaaaaah! HC drivers: Timmy! Announcer: We're near the finish line; the race is almost over. Handicar is in the lead, still way out in front of the ZipCar driven by Matthew McConaughey. [a shot of Matthew listening to his mood music] Matthew McConaughey: Sometimes you gotta go forward by goin' backward. Are we drivin' cars or are cars... drivin' us? Announcer: Dastardly car is racing past both. [Nathan and Mimsy hijacked it. Mimsy is driving] This could be an upset, folks. [Mimsy makes a U-turn and parks the Dastardly car off the road. He and Nathan get out] Timmy: Timmih! Nathan: Goodnight, you son of a bitch! [the ZipCar reaches them and Nathan presses the detonator on his control pad. The ZipCar blows up. Mimsy and Nathan take notice] Mimsy! I told you to put the explosives under Timmy's seat! Mimsy: D'ahh you told me to put the explosives under the seat of that fake soft-spoken douchebag that everyone loves! Nathan: Not that fake soft-spoken douchebag that everyone loves! [secondary explosions create a portal above Matthew McConaughey, and he's sucked in] Announcer: Oh my, it appears that an explosion has opend up a wormhole with Matthew McConaughey inside. Matthew McConaughey: Mimsy! [the car levitates a bit, but as soon as the wormhole is gone, it falls back on the road] Announcer: And there's the finish. It looks like Handicar has done it! Timmy: Timmih! [the handicapped kids all cheer] Scene Description: The meeting room, day. Steve gives Timmy a ribbon Steve: A big congratulations to our fundraising champion! After selling the Handicar rights to Elon Musk, Timmy has raised 2.3 billion dollars for summer camp. [the kids cheer] Great job to all of you. This is sure to be the best summer camp ever! [more cheering] Scene Description: Nathan's house, night. Nathan's mom: All set for bed, honey? Nathan: Yeah I like to sleep at nighttime. Nathan's mom: All right, goodnight. [kisses him on the temple and heads for the door] Nathan: Wait! [she stops] Wait, Mom? Can we talk? Nathan's mom: Um... yes, o-of course. [sits down on his bed] Nathan: This is very difficult, Mom. But um... You know how every year I go to summer camp? Well, I hate it. I hate it and I don't want to go anymore. Nathan's mom: I'm sorry, I can't understand you honey. You're handicapped. Nathan: What's to understand? I'm telling you I don't want to that stupid camp anymore! Nathan's mom: You want water? Is that what you want? Nathan: No! I don't wanna go to camp! Nathan's mom: Ohhh yes, okay honey, I'll turn off the lamp. [gets up, turns it off, and walks out, closing the door behind her] Nathan: No! That's not what I fucking said! [stumbles around in his room] Goddamnit, now I can't even see! Ow! Scene Description: Outside Nathan's room Nathan's dad: What's he saying? Nathan's mom: That he doesn't wanna go to summer camp this year, but I'll be damned if he's gonna ruin our Italy trip. Nathan's dad: Right. Nathan: [still stumbling in his room] Oh! Aah! Mimsy!

Scene Description: Butters' room, day. He's at his computer singing to himself. Butters: Loo looloo loo loo loo loo, Loo looloo loo loo. Cartman: [opens Butters' door and enters] Hey, douchebag, are you doing anything kewl? Butters: Hey, Eric, I'm just lookin' at a video of bird eggs that I took. Cartman: [heads for Butters' bed] Oh goddamnit, nobody's doing anything kewl! [gets on Butters' bed and lays down on his back.] I'm so bored! Everything is so stupid! Butters: I don't know, this bird nest is pretty neato. Cartman: No, it isn't. Butters: My dad and I shot it yesterday at the lake. Cartman: That's stupid. Butters: You can see the momma bird fly in. Cartman: I'm dying of boredom. Butters: We took all kinds of video with his drone. Cartman: [sits up, suddenly interested] What did you say? Butters: [looks over his shoulder] You know, those drone thingies. You can make it fly anywhere, and shoot video, and stuff. Cartman: Your dad has a fucking drone? Scene Description: Butters' house, day. Butters and Cartman lift up the garage door and behold the drone Cartman: Whooaa! [runs up to it for a closer look] Butters: It can fly like a quarter mile away from whoever's controlling it. And it can take video the entire time right to your phone. Don't touch the propellers. Cartman: [pulls his finger back and smiles at Butters] You wanna take it out for a spin? Butters: Are you crazy?! This is my dad's drone! Cartman: [runs up to Butters and stands next to him] Do you have any idea how much fun we can have with this thing? We can spy on everyone! Butters: My dad said it's not for spying on people. Cartman: Butters, that's all drones are for. If we use it for a couple of minutes tonight, your dad will never know. Butters: Oh, he'll know. You can hear it take off. Cartman: Okay, good idea. [picks up the drone] We'll take it over to my house. Come over after dark. And don't tell anyone! Butters: [goes to take the drone back] No, Eric. I don't wanna d- Stephen: [off screen] Butters? Cartman: Oh, shit, it's your dad! Go, go, go! [leaves the garage with the drone as Butters faces the source of the call, then pulls down the garage door] I'll see you later at my house. Stephen: Butters, are you home?? Butters: Comin', Dad! [leaves the garage through the side door into the house] Scene Description: Cartman's house, night. He's been working with the drone, figuring out how to operate it. There's a knock on his door. Cartman: Butters, is that you? Butters: Yes, it's me. Cartman: [opens the door just a crack and peeks out] Nobody followed you, right? You didn't tell anybody?! Butters: Of course not! Cartman: Alright, come in. [opens the door to reveal Kenny] Kenny's here; I told him all about it. [Kenny waves hello] Butters: What?! You said nobody would know! Cartman: It's just Kenny. Like we're not gonna tell Kenny we have a fucking drone! Come on, Butters! Alright, come on, guys. I think I have this thing figured out. [outside, the drone sits in the grass in the backyard, 50 feet away from the house. Suddenly it rises to 23 feet, above the boys' heads, then veers to the right] Dude, no way! This thing is so epic! [the drone's camera shows some backyards through a fish-eye lens. A dog barks up at it from below.] Butters: Be careful! The powerlines! Cartman: Dude, look! There's everyone's backyards! [in the distance, Kenny's house is shown from the back two blocks away. The drone veers to the right and drops down a bit, headed for a back door] Dude there's Craig's house! That's Craig's house! Kenny: (Okay, try to get closer!) Butters: Okay, uh, maybe that's enough. [the drone approaches Craig's window] Cartman: Aw dude, look, there's Craig! Heheh. [Craig is shown at his computer. The drone moves to the next window and shows Craig's mom undressing.] Craig's mom is taking off her clothes. Kenny: (Are you serious?!) Butters: [gruffly] Let me see! Cartman: Check it out guys, she's taking o- Oh my God, we've got full bush! Kenny: (Stop taping!) Butters: Jeeeeezz! Cartman: This thing is recording, right? Kenny: (Yeah.) Cartman: Dude! That is Craig's mom's bush right there! Wait, wait what's that? [Craig's mom has heard the drone and called her husband Thomas over. She stands behind him as they both look at the drone outside their window] Oh shit, dude! Bail! Bail! [thrusts the controller at Butters] Butters: What do I do?! Cartman: His dad sees you! Butters: [begins to panic] I don't know what to do! Cartman: Fly back to the house, stupid! Scene Description: The Stotch house, night. Thomas Tucker bangs on the front door and Stephen comes to answer it. Thomas: You've got a problem, Stotch! Stephen: What are you talkin' about? Thomas: You know what I'm talkin' about! There was a drone spyin' on my wife, and you're the only person I know with a drone! Stephen: Hey now hold on. I am a drone hobby enthusiast. I would never use my drone in a way that contradicts the drone hobbyist code of conduct. Thomas: Horseshit! Your drone is out there flyin' around right now! Stephen: I assure you, my drone is sitting in the garage. I'll show you. Scene Description: The Stotch house, garage. Stephen leads Thomas to the garage. He opens the side door Stephen: There, you see? It's right there. [sure enough, the drone and its controller are on the garage floor as expected.] Thomas: So, thuh so you flew it back here in time. Stephen: I swear I didn't fly it. Thomas: Well, these things don't just fly themselves, do they? They outta be illegal. I'd better not find out it was your drone! [hurries out of the garage. Stephen looks at the drone and wonders... spooky theremin music plays, so he's a little afraid as well] Scene Description: Butters' room, night. Stephen opens Butters' door and looks in Stephen: Butters? Butters: [already in his PJs and in bed, but clearly panting] Oh, heh-hey, Dad. Stephen: Butters, did you hear the drone making any sounds in the garage? Butters: [panting throughout] Ah, hold on Dad. I should be sleepin'. Why do you ask? Stephen: Nothing, son. It's nothing. Get back to sleep, pal. Love you. Butters: I love you too, Dad. [Stephen leaves and closes the door. That was close.] Scene Description: South Park, morning. At the bus stop, Cartman and Kenny wait for the school bus Cartman: Alright, alright, shh Kenny, here come Stan and Kyle. Remember, not a word about this to anyone! Kenny: (Yeah, I know, dude.) Cartman: Not a word, Kenny! Kenny: (Alright!) [Stan and Kyle's voices are heard] Stan: Yeah, but seriously, it's like there's no real thing to hang on to, you know? Kyle: Yeah, I don't even know if I'm gonna watch it anymore. Stan: I know. [they take their places next to Cartman] Cartman: Hey, you guys. Stan: Sup? [the pressure gets to Cartman, but he resists. He finally cracks] Cartman: You guys wanna see Craig's mom's bush? Kenny: (Dude! What the fuck!) Stan: What? Cartman: Somebody, I guess, was spying on Craig's mom and they got pictures of her bush, and it's like, it's like a yeti. You guys wanna check it out? [whips out his phone] Kenny: (Dude!) Kyle: That's horrible. If that's true, I don't wanna see it. Cartman: You don't wanna see Craig's mom's bush. Kyle: Not if somebody took pictures without her knowing. Stan: Let me see. Cartman: [shows Stan] Locked and loaded. Full metal bush, bro. Stan: How'd you get that on your phone? Cartman: Oh. Um, uh... Kenny? [motions for Kenny to get closer, but Kenny doesn't budge] Oh, it was on the Internet. Yeah, I just downloaded it off the Internet and nobody knows who took it. Huh, Kenny? Kenny: [grudgingly] (Uh huh.) Kyle: That's terrible! Cartman: I know, right? Now everyone's gonna see it. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, later. Craig is at his locker when Jimmy, Token and Clyde approach him Jimmy: Hey, Craig, have you checked out the Internet lately? [he and the other two chuckle] Craig: What are you talking about? [Cartman comes into view at the end of the hall and walks towards the boys room] Jimmy: Ohhhh nothin'. It's just that... y-you might wanna invest in some hedge clippers. [he and the other two chuckle. Cartman chuckles as well] Craig: For what? Jimmy: Ohhhh nothin'. You just might wanna... hire Tarzan to do some... landscaping work for your mom. [he and the other two chuckle. Butters comes out of nowhere and shoves Cartman into the boys room, slamming him into the stall 1 wall] Butters: What the heck are you doing?! Cartman: Whoa, Butters, chillax, bro. Butters: When did you put Craig's mom's bush on the Internet?! Cartman: Butters- Butters: You promised me we wouldn't get in trouble! Cartman: Butters. Butters. Butters: Now everyone is gonna know what we were doing! Cartman: Butters, I had to! [Butters lets him go] Okay, I had to put it on the Internet! Butters: WHY?! Cartman: Because Stan saw the video on my phone, alright? If the video is only on my phone, then clearly we did it! If we downloaded it off the Internet, then anyone could have done it! Butters: I should have never listened to you! Ah I should have known this would get out of hand! Cartman: Butters, don't start playing the blame game here, okay?! You and Kenny are just as responsible! And the next time you wanna shove me, just remember, I'm covering your ass! [they leave the restroom. Stall 1 opens and Kyle steps out, angry at what he just heard] Scene Description: Neighborhood Watch meeting, Roger Donovan's house, evening. Roger: Hi everyone. For those of you I don't know as well, my name is Roger Donovan, and un, just like you I'm pretty upset about what's going on in our neighborhood. Thomas: How are these drones legal?! My wife didn't deserve to be splayed all over the Internet like that! Roger: Yes, well luckily nobody's watched the video of course. [a round of denials from the gathered adults] But the fact is that these drones are only getting more popular. I mean, anyone can get a drone off Amazon for 200 bucks, and there's no laws and the whole thing is pretty damned hairy. Oh-ohh, God I'm sorry Laura. [she looks around and gets mad] You know I I meant the situation is pretty hairy, right? Nothin' to do with you p-personally. I mean, how would I even know? I didn't see it. [she crosses her arms] Um... Randy: [stands up] Look, we're all here because what happened to Laura could happen to any of us. There's nobody regulating these drones and if we don't do something now, we're gonna be up to our navels with bush. [winces. Sharon puts her face in her left hand] Oh um, up to our necks in trouble. Sorry. [sits down and looks at Sharon] Laura Tucker: You know, it used to be called "natural". Completely shaving bald down there used to be the weird thing. Thomas: It's okay honey, the- Laura: But now, because I "choose" not to let society dictate how hairy my vagina should be, Randy: Eeww. Laura: I'm labelled as some kind of freaking monster! Roger: And and and that's the point. I mean, we all have things about ourselves that are embarrassing, that that- Laura: I'm not embarrassed about it! It's natural! Stuart: It's a lot of natural. Roger: Look, look, why we're here is because it's gonna take all of us, a neighborhood watch, to make sure that our community stays safe. Mr. Garrison: Yeah, but how can we keep that close a watch on the whole neighborhood? Randy: It's simple. Scene Description: The neighborhood, day. The first Neighborhood Watch drone, which is black, appears, followed by more drones. Randy: Oh yeah, this is gonna work great. [smiles] Scene Description: The bus stop. The four boys are there. A Neighborhood Watch drone flies over it and then flies off. Kyle: Are you happy now?! Cartman: What? [the drone returns and goes the other way] Kyle: Is, is this? Do you think this is cool? Cartman: What does that have to do with me? Kyle: See, when you start invading people's privacy, eh thinking it's harmless to put up pictures of them they didn't want up - Kenny! - you start a domino effect that eventually screws everything up for everybody! Cartman: Kenny has no idea what you're talking about, dude. Kyle: I was in the bathroom when you were talking to Butters, Cartman! [another drone floats by in the background] I know what- Cartman: You were what?! Kyle: I was in the bathroom- Cartman: You were spying on me?! Kyle: No, I was taking a crap, and I heard you guys talking! Cartman: But you didn't say anything?! That's fucking spying, Kyle! Kyle: How is that spying?! Cartman: You were listening, but we didn't know you were there?! How is that not spying?! You'r a dick! You're a spying dick! And now you wanna lecture Kenny about spying?! Fuck you, hypocrite dick spy! [another drone hovers by] Scene Description: A strip mall, day. One of the stores there is The Hobby Enthusiast. Stephen and Butters go inside. Clerk: Hello, can I help you? Stephen: Yes, I'd like to return this drone. [sets it on the counter. The clerk looks through the open box] Clerk: You wanna return it? Stephen: Yes, I'm... I'm not into the hobby anymore. Clerk: The hobby of flyin' drones is new and exciting. How can you not be into it? [Butters puts his arms tight against his sides and glances here and there] Stephen: Look, something's wrong with it. It does things, it... [leans in] flies by itself. Clerk: Uhh, noo, somebody has to control it. Stephen: [stands straight] You don't understand. It was in the garage and the battery was fully charged. Someone said they'd seen it flying around, so I checked. [leans in] The battery was half empty. Clerk: [looks at Butters, then back at Stephen] I'm sorry, but we don't do returns. [Butters relaxes a bit] Stephen: Please, I just want another hobby to get enthused about. Clerk: Sir, did you try looking at the SD card? All the video gets recorded to that so you could probably determine who flew it. [Butters tenses up again] Stephen: You think I didn't try that? I pulled out the SD card. It was all erased. Somehow it erased everything. Clerk: Uh, sir, did you consider that your son might have done that? Stephen: No, it's impossible. He's not allowed to fly it without my supervision. [looks down to his right, then to his left. The clerk fixes his gaze on him] Scene Description: A closeup of Thomas putting his pants on. He hears a Neighborhood Watch drone buzz by and looks out his bedroom windows Thomas: Oh for God's sakes! [goes into the bathroom, where he sees Laura at the sink, having just gotten out of the shower. He also sees another drone outside the window, which has open curtains] Goddamnit get the hell out of here! [the drone hurries away, and he goes to the window and closes the curtains] That DOES IT! Scene Description: Park County Police Department, day. The Tuckers are there to file a police report Thomas: You people have to do something! You're the law, and these things NEED to BE illegal! Officer 1: But they aren't illegal, Mr. Tucker. Thomas: Our privacy was invaded, and now there are kids at school making music videos with the footage of my wife! Have you seen what they're doing?! Sgt. Yates: Nono, none of us watched the video, but if we did, we could handle it. We're police officers. We see sickening things like that every day. Officer 1: We understand the humiliation your wife has gone through, Mr. Tucker, but we don't- Laura: I haven't been "humiliated", I've been wronged! We are here to ask for your help, now are you gonna help us or not?! Officer 1: Well that'd probably be best left to a professional hair removal company. Officer 2: Or perhaps a forest ranger? Thomas: Help us with the drones spying on us!! Sgt. Yates: All right, all right. We'll do everything we can. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Cartman walks by the boys restroom when Butters comes at him again and shoves him into the restroom, again slamming him into the stall 1 wall. Butters: Are you out of your mind?! What are you doing?! Cartman: Butters. Butters: Why would you turn "Craig's mom's bush" into a music video starring us?! Cartman: Because, Butters- Butters: Why can't you leave it alone?! Why can't you just stop?! Cartman: [brushes Butters' hands off his jacket] Because, Butters, Kyle was spying on us, okay- [stops and kneels down to see if there's anyone in the stall, then gets up again] Kyle was spying on us, and he knows that we put the video of Craig's mom on the Internet. He found out everything. That's why I had to make another video. Butters: Why?! Cartman: Because when Kyle said he heard us say we made the video, we can say we were talking about THIS video. "Ohh, thank you Eric, that's pretty smart. I really owe you one." Butters: That poor lady. Her vagina is everywhere. Poor Craig. Cartman: Butters, we live in a world where privacy is gone. Okay? It's... It' just gone, bud. Your wiener, my balls, they're public domain. You can get on the Internet right now and look at that chick from Hunger Games butthole. We can either all freak out about it, or we can just calm down because honestly, I'm getting a little sick of covering your ass! Scene Description: The neighborhood, night. A Neighborhood Watch drone flies around and hones in on the Broflovski house. Gerald is on the couch eating a slice of cake and watching TV - Real Housewives of Atlanta. Randy: Heheh, Gerald is watching Housewives of Atlanta. Sharon: You're supposed to be keeping watch on the neighborhood. Randy: I am. Let's see what Nelson's doing. [the drone leaves the Broflovski house and hovers over to the Neloson house, where Nelson is having sex with his girl. Randy puts his wine glass on the bedstand and concentrates on the video feed. He glances at Sharon a few times to see if she's noticing. She isn't. Soon, a police drone appears, with blue and red flashing lights and a siren. It aims for Randy's drone.] Oh shit! [gets his drone to fly off, but the police drone keeps up] Dude! Neighborhood Watch! I'm Neighborhood Watch! [has the drone turn to face the police drone, which is armed. The police drone fires two rounds into Randy's drone, which falters. Sharon finally looks over] I've been shot! [his drone crashes into a backyard] No! Noooo! Scene Description: News 4 breaking news. Anchor: Shock and outrage all over the state tonight after an on-duty police drone chased and shot down an unarmed civilian drone, and worst of all, yes, the civilian drone was black. [a picture of a similar drone pops up behind him] Jimbo: What gives them the right to shoot down our drones?! Randy: I wasn't doing anything wrong! This is a complete outrage to drone owners everywhere! Farmer: It was about yay big. [strokes the back of his head] I mean the hair on it was out to here [spreads his arms out so there's three feet between his hands], and then it had another trail of hair down from her belly button. I mean, the, the drone. Yeah, that's what I saw. That that's all I saw. Anchor: While police claim they were only following standard protocol, the drone owners are banding together and holding a candlelight vigil. Scene Description: Downtown South Park, night. A group of civilian drones hovers down the street, each drone holding a lit candle. Sirens and lights come up and the drones turn right to see police drones approaching Police drone: Please disperse. Candles on top of drones are a fire hazard, [the civilian drones look at each other] Return to your garages. Mr. Garrison: [on his bed holding the controller and a glass of wine] What the hell are these police drones doing? We can't protest now? Steve: [on his bed with Linda, his wife] Just hover, honey. They can't do anything if we're just hovering. Scene Description: Randy's house, later. Someone is banging on his front door, and he goes to answer it. It's Stephen, with Butters on the sidewalk Stephen: [looking frazzled] Randy. We need to talk. Randy: Okay. Stephen: Inside. [Randy lets him in and moments later sits on the sofa with Sharon and Butters. Stephen paces the floor before them] I've been going over it and over it in my head. I thought Butters and I were alone, but then I saw you on the news. [walks up to Randy] Another drone hobby enthusiast whose drone was blamed for something the enthusiast didn't recall doing. Randy, this is very important. Is it possible that you did something contrary to the proper code of conduct for drone-flying enthusiasts? Randy: No. I didn't. [theremin music starts up as Stephen walks back to where he was] Stephen: I thought it was just my drone, but I think it might be all of them. Randy: What might be? Stephen: Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth! Our drone flew! The battery was drained! The SD card was erased! Butters was the only other person who had access to it! Butters can't use the drone without my supervision! So where does that leave us, Randy?? Randy: ...Drones are spooky? Stephen: If they have minds of their own, they're more than spooky! I don't know about you, but I'm starting to feel pretty unenthused about this hobby. Scene Description: News 4 news break. Anchor: The town of South Park has become a hotbed of tension with civilians lashing out at police. After police used excessive force at a peaceful protest, the town has now broken out into full-scale riots. [sure enough, there are riots all over the place, but no humans are rioting. It's all the drones. One drone crashes into a building, then bounces off it and into a car through the windshield. Another drown crashes through Tele's display window and two others make off with a flatscreen TV] As the people of South Park continue to protest, the South Park police are now ordering a mandatory reverse curfew. The governor has asked for help from the National Guard to bring order to the town. Scene Description: South Park, day. National Guard drones begin flying into town. In one house, a woman goes to undress. A drone stops by to get a closer look, and a second one joins it, then they both fly off. The woman hears the buzzing and looks out her window. Scene Description: 20/20 preview Announcer: Tonight on an all-new 20/20. [a Viper probe droid appears onscreen...] A town in crisis over the matter of privacy. [...and gets a red "NO" circle stamped on it] Now for the first time we sit down and talk to the mom behind the bush. Scene Description: The Tucker house. A 20/20 reporter is interviewing Thomas and Laura in low light Reporter: You've become sort of a poster child for privacy and drone issues. Laura: I don't think anyone wants to live in a world where police drones are monitoring Neighborhood Watch drones. I mean, where does it stop? Reporter: It just... keeps going on and on. Kind of like your... [Laura gets mad] I mean... it just... goes outside what most people would call... acceptable. Laura: Have you ever seen pictures of naked women before 2005?! It's not that weird! Thomas: It's okay, honey. Reporter: I didn't see the video. I don't believe in doing that, but uh... I'm just saying that... the situation in in your town is... unwieldy? [the power begins to flicker and on monitors everywhere the image of Stephen appears, with Butters behind him. Stephen now has facial hair and a paranoid look about him] Stephen: Please do not adjust your televisions! Reporter: What is that? Stephen: My name is Stephen Willis Stotch. The drone that took the video of Craig's mom... was my drone. I didn't want to believe it, but they do things without us knowing. At this point, I have completely lost all enthusiasm for the hobby. [a shot of Gerald and Sheila in bed with their glasses of wine and their controllers] All of you with drones, please listen to me. Three days ago my drone recorded a video that something uploaded to the Internet. We all were told to respectfully not watch the video. But on the page, [holds up a printout of the YouTube page] it has over three hundred million views, so if none of us watched it, who did? [a shot of Gerald and Sheila, then Steve and Linda] We have to find a way to get rid of them! Before they get rid of us! Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. His doorbell rings and he goes to answer it. It's Butters, and behind him are police drones and National Guard drones Cartman: Oh hey Butters. Sup? Butters: Do you remember when I showed you the video of the little bird eggs? Well that's the last time I felt happy. Cartman: Dude, what's the matter? Butters: I have to tell the truth. I want you and Kenny to come with me and tell Craig's mom we're sorry and that we'll- Cartman: Okay okay okay. Come inside, there's drones out here. [takes Butters in and closes the door] Butters: I don't want anymore discussions, Eric! I don't want anymore excuses! Cartman: Butters. Butters: I just want to end this so we can take our punishment and be done with it! Cartman: [while Butters speaks] Okay. Okay. Butters, Butters. Butters: I don't want all these drones everywhere! Nobody does! Cartman: Butters. BUTTERS. All right, all right Butters, fine! I have a way that we can get rid of all the drones. Butters: You do? Cartman: Yes. Everyone is sick of it, it's just that everyone is waiting for everyone else to stop. We can put an end to it all tonight. We're just gonna need one thing. Butters: What? Cartman: Your dad's drone. Butters: NO! There is NO WAY I'm gonna- Cartman: Butters. Butters Butters! Jennifer Lawrence's butthole didn't take picture of itself! It started with her! Right? Just like this started with you spying on birds! Now I'm willing to bail you out of all this, but I swear it's the last time! Okay?! Butters: ...Okay. Scene Description: Butters' house, night. Stephen is at the sofa preparing a sizeable bomb. He's soldering the ends of a cable together, then takes a sip of spirits, then picks up a grenade launcher and pops a grenade in place. He stands up Stephen: Time to end this hobby once and for all! [he moves stealthily to his garage, opens the door, and jumps in ready to blow his drone up, but finds it missing again] No! NOOOO! Scene Description: Cartman's house. Kenny is back with Butters and Cartman as Cartman gets ready to execute his next big idea. Cartman: [with the controller] Alright, we've got power. Prepare for takeoff. Butters: If this doesn't work, we're dead. Cartman: It'll work, Butters. If there's one thing we've learned, it's that drones can't resist Craig's mom. [he gets the drone going. It rises, pulling behind it a blow-up doll made to resemble Laura, with a large bushy wig over the crotch. The drone and doll hover away from Cartman's house.] Scene Description: Park County Police Station, night. The police drones, some with shields, hover over the civilian drones. A news drone flies by. Both sides jockey for positions, but then notice the National Guard drones arriving. One of the civilian drones then notices the sex doll floating by. The doll floats up to the police drones and National Guard drones and they take notice too. The doll floats away and all the drones, civilian, police, and National Guard, follow. The doll floats through the town gathering more and more drones. It goes over the bridge and across Stark's Pond, luring all the drones away. Where they ended up is anybody's guess. Scene Description: A convention room, night, several days later. Stephen Stotch is at the podium with the rest of the town seated at tables. Everyone is applauding the Tuckers, but Laura isn't pleased. Stephen: We're here tonight to pay tribute to a woman who overcame humiliation, who rose above the monsters invading her privacy and said "No more!" Just when it seemed that we were about to live in a world controlled by drones, she did something miraculous. And someday, our children's children will still be telling stories about how Craig' mom flew through the town and led all the drones away. [more applause, and Laura buries her face in her right hand. A minstrel with lute comes out to sing Laura's praises] Minstrel: Have you heard the tale of Craig's mom's bush And the night that it saved us from drones? Nobody knew the power it had. They just thought it was shaggy and gross. Craig's mom live a life of shame and despair Everyone feared her great giant bush! Laura: They didn't! Minstrel: But then when drones were filling the sky, She unfurled her bush and she used it to fly. Craig's mom's bush, Craig's mom's bush. Gargantuan thicket of madness. Bigger than earth and denser than gold. Truly a magical bush to behold. Scene Description: Butters' and Cartman's table. Butters is a bit distraught. The minstrel continues with the lute and some whistling Cartman: Well, you see, Butters, everything worked out. [Butters doesn't respond] "Oh, thank you, Eric. I screwed up everything, but now everyone's happy. Thanks for covering my ass." Butters: Craig's mom doesn't seem very happy. Cartman: [taken aback, then sighs] Alright, I have a way that we can make Craig's mom happy. Butters: No! No, no! I'm sorry. Thank you, Eric! I screwed up everything, but now everyone's happy! Thanks for covering my ass! Cartman: You're welcome. [the minstrel begins to sing again] Minstrel: And she flew and she flew away into the sun And then she died. Craig's mom's bush, Craig's mom's bush. Truly a magical bush to behold.

Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The hallway is full of students. Kyle walks down the hallway. Jimmy passes him going the other way, but notices him and walks over. Jimmy: Oh! Hey, Kyle! [Kyle looks over his shoulder] Kyle, hang on a sec. [He's holding his phone, on which is a Terrance & Phillip game] Kyle: [turns to face him] Hey, Jimmy. What's up? Jimmy: Not much. I just wanted to make sure you heard the fuh-fantastic news. There's a new Terrance & Phillip mobile game, and it's so amazing and incredibly fun. Kyle: Oh. Really? Jimmy: Yeah! And the most unbelievable part? It's totally free. You should download it to your phone right now. I mean, come. On. If it's free, why wouldn't you? Kyle: [considers it for a moment] Cool. Thanks, Jimmy, well, I'll check it out. Jimmy: You betcha, pal. [grins. Kyle turns and walks away and the grin fades. Jimmy turns and continues on his way] Scene Description: Close-up view of the Terrance & Phillip Mobile Game Announcer: The Terrance & Phillip Mobile Game. [The game goes from the splash screen to a layout of their town, starting at their house. Coins float over the streets, ready to be grabbed. The announcer pops into view] In this game, you are Terrance & Phillip. Can you collect all the Canadian coins? *poot* [disappears.] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, side entrance. Kyle has downloaded the game and is now playing it while Butters sits next to him on the steps and watches. Kyle taps on a coin... Announcer: That's one coin. Can you collect more? [Kyle taps on more coins on the screen] You've collected ten Canadian coins! [a big red 10 appears on a yellow star] Congratulations! [that word, also in red, appears above the 10] Hey, you're really good at this, guy! Kyle: What? Butters: Congratulations, Kyle. Announcer: [pops up again] With Canada coins, you can buy stuff that helps Terrance & Phillip rebuild Canada. [only five buildings, all houses, are shown, with the rest of the area being undeveloped] Run around and collect more coins, or better yet, buy them in bulk! [a Royal Bank price chart appears, with purchases going from 200 Canadian coins for 49 cents to 5700 for $50] How many Canadian coins would you like to buy? Kyle: This is stupid! Butters: Well, it's just 49 cents for the cheapest one. [Kyle taps on the button and coins pop out at him] Announcer: You buy 200 Canadian coins for 49 cents! You're amazing! Now use that Canadough to help rebuild Canada! Click to build a hospital here. [a floating red arrow pops up on the empty block across from Terrance & Phillip's house. Kyle taps on it and the hospital appears] Terrance & Phillip: Yaaay! Kyle: It's still stupid and now I paid 49 cents for it! Cartman: [approaching wit Kenny] What are you two boners doing? Butters: We're playing the Terrance & Phillip Freemium Game. Cartman: I played that thing; it's fuckin' dumb. I ended up paying like five bucks. Kyle: Who makes this crap? Scene Description: The Canadian Department of Mobile Gaming, day. It's a busy place, as suits go in and out of the building. A hockey skater zips by on the street with a puck. Inside, in a meeting room, two men are at a table. One of them is on a laptop while the other watches. The meeting room is ringed with curtains Minister: Oh! It's tewwific! That's 200,000 more American dollars in just one day! Prince: Where is the roof on this thing? Terrance: [the double doors burst open and Terrance & Phillip storm their way in] What's the big idea making a mobile game without our approval?! Minister: Ohh, Terrance & Phillip! How are Canada's two favorite buddies? Phillip: What gives you the right to make a stupid Terrance & Phillip mobile game?! Who do you think you are?! Prince: Oh, I'm only the Prince of Canada! And this happens to be the Minister of Mobile Gaming. Minister: We thought you would be pleased with the quality of the mobile game-eh. Phillip: It's the dumbest game ever! All you do is collect and spend Canadough! Prince: Ey! We know the game's not great, but who cares? It's free! Phillip: But it's not free! If you charge 40 cents here and 50 cents there, then it's not free! Minister: [low voice] They see through the charade. Prince: Uh oh, you think so? Minister: I think they see through the charade, yes. Prince: I'm pretty sure they can hear us too. [Yes, and they're not pleased one bit.] Minister: Alright, fuck it! You've seen through the charade, so you might as well know everything. Charade up! [walks up to a large heavy rope and pulls on it. A bell sounds and the curtain around the room go up, revealing white boards that show how the mobile game is set up. Terrance & Phillip are suddenly bewildered] Allow me to explain the science behind micropay premium gaming. For years, gaming was simple: you pay for the game and you enjoy. With mobile apps, we now have the ability to make games that are boring and stupid. But if you pay for incentives, you're rewarded! Prince: Free"mium". The "mium" is Latin for "not really." Minister: It's a simple cycle, a never-ending loop based on RPGs: Explore -> Collect -> Spend -> Improve. But whereas those just use the concept of XP or Experience Points, we've introduced the idea of micro-paying with money. Money. Money. Money money money money. Prince: It's what everyone is doing. Freemium games are what's now. And it's all just a lot of harmless fun! Scene Description: The Marsh house, evening. Randy and Sharon have Stan on the sofa Randy: You're in big trouble, Stanley! Can you explain to us how you managed to spend $489 on a mobile app?! [whips out a phone bill. Sharon's arms are crossed] Stan: I'm sorry. I didn't realize I spent that much. Randy: You didn't realize! What are "Canadian coins"? Stan: You buy Canadian coins so you have Canadough. Randy: Stan, just because I make a good living with my music doesn't mean you can go blow it all on Canadough! Stan: I'll pay you back for it, okay?! Randy: How?! Stan: I don't know, I'll figure it out! Jesus Christ! Scene Description: The master bedroom, later. Randy changes into red pajamas while Sharon is already in her white ones sipping some water. Randy: Can you believe him?! He knew how much he was spending! He knew he'd get in trouble, but it didn't matter! [Sharon lies down] I hate to say it, but this is a lot like his grandpa. Sharon: Wull whattaya mean? Randy: [faces Sharon] Dad's always had a gambling problem. He's got total addiction tendencies. Could he have somehow... passed those demons down to Stan? Sharon: Well then you certainly have some of those problems too with drinking. Randy: I had a problem, but I was able to stop. Now I only drink gluten-free beer and wine. But with Stan, I think there's some darkness inside him that... doesn't... allow him to stop.[dramatic exit music] Scene Description: Back to the Canadian Department of Mobile Gaming. Minister: And so in conclusion, the successful premium game is based on five principles: entice the player with a simple game loop, use lots of flashing cha-chings and compliments to make the player feel good about themselves, train the players to spend your fake currency, offer the player a way to spend real currency for your fake currency- Prince: So they'll forget they're spending money. Minister: -and make the game about waiting. But let the player pay not to wait. It's a surefire way to make lots of money. Phillip: We understand micropaying, but can't the game hidden inside the charade it- just at least be fun? Minister: No no! It has to be just barely fun. If the game were too fun, then there would be no reason to micropay in order to make it more fun. [the Prince gives Terrance and Phillip each a check.] Terrance: What's this? Prince: Your checks of course. For ten million American dollars. Each. Terrance: So this is- Everyone is doing this? Minister: Ehhhveryone is doing it. Phillip: It's just the way things are going? Minister: It's the way things are going! Terrance: Well, I guess if everyone is just paying forty cents at a time it can't be that bad. Scene Description: Stan's bedroom, day. Stan is playing the Terrance & Phillip mobile game in bed Terrance: [in the game] Hey Phillip! [Stan's bedroom door opens and in walk Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman] Stan: Ohhh hey guys. Kyle: You... missed school today? Stan: Yeah, I just wasn't feelin' the best. Kyle: Did you play the Terrance & Phillip freemium game all day? Stan: Well yeah, I was sick in bed. What else was I gonna do? Cartman: How much money did you micropay today, Stan? Stan: Nothing! Dude, I bought like $10 worth of Canadough. But check it out, I unlocked the stadium in Toronto. [smiles] Kyle: You spent $10 and eight hours to unlock a stadium? Stan: You guys, is it that much dumber than video games you play? Cartman: Yes. Stan: It's just something to kill some time. Like Jimmy said, it's a cool way to zone out. Kyle: Waitwaitwait, Jimmy told you about this game? Cartman: Jimmy told me about this game. Kyle: Kenny, who told you about this game? Kenny: (Jimmy.) Kyle: Dude, what?! Cartman: The?! Kenny: (Fuck?!) Scene Description: A street corner in South Park, near a fast-food restaurant. Jimmy stands there with phone in hand. He spots someone. Jimmy: Pssst. Hey, kid. Come over here. [a boy crosses the street and stands next to him] Yeah, come on over. Ch-check this out. You looking to have some fun? Boy: What do you mean? Jimmy: The Terrance & Phillip mobile game. [whips it out] All the cool kids are usin' it. Boy: Aw, I don't know. Jimmy: Come, on, just try it out. You can be Terrance or Phillip or both. You can walk around and collect Canada cash to build new stuff. [Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny appear at the other end of the block and spot him, then walk towards him a few seconds later] It's the perfect thing if you're bored. And honestly, the best part about it, is it's free. I mean, come. On. Why wouldn't you download it, and just try it out? [the boys reach him] Kyle: Hey, uh, Jimmy, can we talk? Jimmy: Why sure fellas. [the boy turns left and walks away] Anyway, be sure to check it out, kid. Kyle: [walks up to him] Dude, what are you doing?! Jimmy: Just hangin' out. What are you up to? Kyle: You need to stop recommending that app to people! Kenny: (Yeah!) Cartman: Everyone we know says they heard about it from you! Jimmy: I just think it's a fabulous app, that's all. Cartman: It's not a fabulous app! It's fuckin' stupid! Kyle: [crosses his arms] Let me ask you something, Jimmy: What happens on level 2 after you get the Ontario Nugget?! Jimmy: [on the spot] Alright, alright! I never played it. I stay away from the stuff. Kyle: You just push it on other people?! Jimmy: They pay me to! Kyle: Who, Jimmy?! Who pays you?! Scene Description: The Canadian Department of Mobile Gaming, day. The Prince looks out over the new construction going on in the city, then turns around Prince: You've both done an amazing job. New hospitals, new neighborhoods, all funded by one freemium game. Terrance: Ahh, listen, ahh, we've been talking it over, and we really are uncomfortable with this freemium thing. Minister: Oh. Ah what is the matter? Phillip: It seems dishonest and we have a brand to protect. [Terrance jumps up and farts on Phillip, who laughs.] Prince: But just look at all the things we're getting to build. Soon, Canada will be as advanced and developed as Michigan. Terrance: We're just worried that some people will abuse the game and start spending more money than they can afford. Minister: Hoh non! Well, we certainly wouldn't want that! [gasps] Oh! I have an idea! How about we take some of the billions of dollars we are making and, we start a campaign to teach everyone to play the game in "moderation"? Prince: Ohhhhh. [claps furiously] Phillip: Do you really think that would help? Minister: Of course! The alcohol industry does it all the time! Scene Description: Live commercial for alcohol. A montage of people enjoying alcohol and the good life that often accompanies it. Announcer: You. Friends. Fun. Drink. Hot girls. You're hot. Drink more. Expensive cars. Ass, drink, ass, money, you in a tuxedo, threesomes, vodka, pussy, drink, drink, drink, you, drink, Vegas, fun, pussy, you, in a tuxedo, fucking this girl, vodka, drink drink drink drink it all you fucking pussy! MORE TUXEDOS, MORE CARS, MORE PUSSY, MORE VODKA, DRINK DRINK DRINK! [screen goes black with "Drink Responsibly" in white on it] Please drink responsibly. Scene Description: Three Feathers Casino, day. The camera pans from left to right. Randy appears in the far end of the casino and walks to the right Randy: Come on. This way, Stan. I want you to see this. There you go. [Stan catches up] That's your grandpa. He sits at that slot machine and mindlessly drains money away a little bit at a time. Sound familiar? All the little sounds and lights are calculated to keep him sitting at that stupid machine. [they approach Marvin] Come on Dad, we're going home. Marvin: [playing at a 25 cent Lucky Unicorn slot machine] Ah, go away. Randy: Do you know what you've done to your grandson? You've infected him with your bullshit! Marvin: What are you talkin' about? Scene Description: The Marsh house, some time later, day. Randy is pacing the floor in front of the sofa as Stan and Marvin sit and listen Randy: I just don't understand what is wrong with you two! What is the joy that this stuff possibly brings you?! Stan: It's just... Marvin: It's fun. Stan: Yeah, it's fun. Randy: It's not fun! You two have demons you're trying to compensate for! Marvin: Well what about you?! You're havin' a glass of wine! Randy: I'm not having a glass of wine, I'm having six! [walks up to a small buffet cabinet on which sit six different glasses of wine, from syrah to rosé] It's called a tasting, and it's classy![Marvin looks away] Stan: Dad, I'm not addicted. I can stop. I just like playing it, but I don't have to. I'll prove it. Marvin: [faces forward] Yeah, and if he stops, I'll stop. Randy: All right. And if you two stop, then we won't have a problem anymore. [gulps down the glass of Merlot] HM. Earthy, bold, hint of cherry aftertones. *uurp* Scene Description: Jimmy's house. He stands by a window contemplating Jimmy: Is it my responsibility what people decide to do with their feh-f-free time? I was just a middleman. [turns around and walks across the room] People were going to learn about the game somewhere if not from me. I'm not the one who made it. Kyle: But you accepted money from the Canadian government! To push a freemium game on us! Why would they do that?! Jimmy: How do you get people addicted to crack? You give it away for free. You give away a little taste and then... and then some people... can't stop themselves. Cartman: [approaches Jimmy and grabs him by the shirt collar] And now Stan is so consumed by the shit you've been pushing that he can't even see through it! How could you sell out your friend?! Jimmy: I needed the money, alright?! [Cartman releases him and he walks off a bit] I downloaded Yum Yum Sparkly Gem Forest because it was free. I love the sparkly little gems. The sounds they made when I got new ones. Then I made my first in-app purchase. Before I knew it I had spent my allowance, then my birthday money, I LOST my CRUTCHES! Kyle: You have your crutches! Jimmy: It's a figure of speech with crippled people. We'd say we lost an arm and a leg, but they ain't worth much. Cartman: That makes sense. Kyle: You're saying these games do this on purpose?! Jimmy: [faces the boys] Why do you think freemium games send you those text notifications when you haven't played in a while? It's called a trigger. A quick image to trigger the addict's brain. They know exactly what they're doing. Scene Description: Stan's bedroom, night. He's awake in bed looking at the ceiling. The first notification comes in on his phone Voice Notification: Hey, buddy. Come on, guy. [Stan turns to his left side and the notification disappears, but just as he closes his eyes another one follows.] Come back, friend. You've got new buddies, guy. [Stan takes his pillow and puts it over his head. The third notification comes in] We've just given you 5000 Canadian coins. [Stan quickly looks at his phone] Enjoy your Canadough. Stan: ...Free? [puts his pillow back on the mattress, grabs the phone and starts playing again] Scene Description: The Marsh kitchen, day. Randy and Stan are in it Randy: What is wrong with you, Stan?! You said you stopped buying Canadough! Stan: I didn't think I spent that much. I, I clicked on a few micropays and it just kinda added up. Randy: $26,000??? Do you know how many songs I have to write to make back that much money?! Stan: One? Randy: Oh, it's just nothing' to you, isn't it?! Stan: No, no, it's not. Randy: You need to realize that you have something in your brain that you somehow inherited from your grandpa that makes you act this way, okay?! Stan: I don't know how you can say that when you're standing here chugging beer! Randy: I am not chugging beer! [walks up to the breakfast table on which are eight glasses of wine and eight of beer, paired up. He's gone through four pairs already] I'm sampling a flight of gluten-free German lagers with a French wine pairing! It's called a smorgaswein, and it's elegantly cultural! [plops the fifth lager into the fifth wine glass and chugs down the pair, then blows a whistle while shaking his head with his hands. Stan has nothing to say.] Scene Description: Kyle's house, day. Stan walks over to it and rings the doorbell. Kyle answers the door. Stan: Okay, I need help. [sometime later Cartman, Kenny and Jimmy arrive, and Stan picks up where he left off. The conversation moves to the living room, and Kyle gives Stan a comforting tap on the right shoulder] There is something different about me, you guys. I know the game is stupid, and it actually isn't even fun anymore. I don't understand. Jimmy: Fellas, can I have a moment with Stan, please? Kyle: Sure. Come on, guys. [he, Cartman and Kyle walk away] Jimmy: This is my fault, Stan. I should have never told you the game was fuh fufuh fan-fantastic. Stan: It's not your fault. It's something to do with my family. It's like a curse. Jimmy: I know this stuff is hard to understand. Trust me, I know. I'm an addict too. But I got help. Stan: How? Jimmy: What all the addiction programs say is true. You've gotta reach out to a higher power, Stan. You've gotta get down on your knees, and you've gotta say "I have a problem." And you've gotta ask that higher power for help. [Stan is left deep in thought] Scene Description: The Broflovski kitchen, at the same time. The other boys are in there waiting for Jimmy and Stan Kyle: [brainstorming] We have to find a way to get the word out! People need to know pushers are being hired to take advantage of people with addiction problems! There has to be a way that we can get to the news company, and sneak in and somehow borrow their TV signal. If we could disguise ourselves as something ridiculous, then- Cartman: It's done. [he had been texting on his phone] Kyle: Wuh, what's done? Cartman: The word is out. [shows him the phone] "Terrance & Phillip hire pushers to make money off addicts." I tweeted it. [glances at his phone's screen] It's trending. Scene Description: The Canadian Department of Mobile Gaming, day. Terrance & Phillip burst through the doors again Terrance: You son of a bitch! You paid pushers to get addicts hooked on our freemium game?! Prince: You what? Minister: Now hold on, Terrance & Philip, there's nothing wrong with promoting a mobile game. Phillip: But there's something very wrong with knowingly making it appeal to human weaknesses! Terrance: You didn't build a mobile game, you built an addiction machine! Prince: Minister of mobile gaming, what's this all aboot? Minister: Alright, alright, you've seen through the charade again. Let me explain how freemium games really work. [pulls down on the heavy rope again and new, prepared whiteboards come down over the used ones. The doors close and the room gets dim.] The truth is, a very small percentage of people who download freemium games ever pay anything for them. It's all aboot finding the heaviest users and extracting the most amount of cash from them. That's how you get addicts to pay two hundred bucks for a game that's not even worth forty cents. Terrance: But then all our profits come from people with problems. Minister: Don't think aboot that. Think about all the money. Here, have a bump of coke. Phillip: [snorts the bump] Okay, but we still won't stand for this! Scene Description: Stan's room, night. He's kneeling by the side of his bed, looking up at the moon. Then he gets to prayer Stan: I don't know if you're listening, but... I guess I have something inside me that I can't control. Something... kind of dark. Please... help show me the way? [a bright, fiery light appears behind him and he turns to look at it. Satan emerges from it] Satan: You have summoned the Prince of Temptation! For what purpose?! Stan: Whoa, shit. Uhhh, I have addiction demons and I don't understand them. Satan: Then allow me to explain the darkness of the human soul! [moments later he's on Stan's bed, the fiery light gone] So you got dopamine, right? That's the chemical that gets released in your brain whenever you do something pleasurable, like eating, sex, and that's just nature, right? Like rabbits and fish and shit. They need dopamine so that they want to consume and reproduce. Stan: Okay. Satan: But because humans have progressed and now have access to all the shit they want whenever they want it, it's easy for them to overdo and have dopamine problems. You know, it's not fuckin' rocket science, this stuff. Stan: So there's nothing spiritually wrong with me? Satan: Fuck no! It's like, okay, it's like being diabetic. You know, it's like you can eat wrong and eat wrong and chemicals get released from your liver in a weird way, you know, you've been eatin' gluten and shit, and then eventually you've got a chemical imbalance from your liver. And something clicked, and now you're diabetic forever, right? So like, if you keep doing something too much, eventually there's, ummm, a dopamine fuckup, right, and you're kind of screwed up for life. Stan: So what does that mean? I I can get addicted to everything so I can't enjoy anything? Satan: Yeah, that's pretty much what it means. Stan: The addict people said something about me filling a hole. Satan: Well who's not filling a fuckin' hole? Right? You know, I mean what kind of bullshit is that? So, let's talk about genetics now. You still have time? Stan: Yeah, no, this is great. Satan: Okay, let me get some visual aids. Gimme juuust a sec. Scene Description: The Canadian Department of Mobile Gaming, day. The Minister continues with his lecture Minister: Here is a fact: 80% of alcohol sales are paid for by alcoholics. Using slot machine tactics, freemium games are able to make millions off of an even smaller percentage of mobile gamers. Phillip: Oh God, he just doesn't stop! Terrance: Who IS this guy?! Minister: We're building a new Canada with micropayments from addicts! Who cares?! You think the fucking alcohol industry cares?! They don't care that 10% are gonna get addicted, they're COUNTING on it!! It's the same with us, but we've got our eyes on every addict's screen! [the whiteboards begin to dissolve into the walls, with the words floating around independently]Every button they click, we get feedback on how to shove this shit right down their throats! Phillip: Why does he suddenly sound like Al Pacino in Devil's Advocate?! Minister: Hohon, I'm much worse than the Devil. [he transforms into a Canadian devil and floats up towards the ceiling] I'm the Canadian Devil. [laughs] Terrance: Oh dear God! It's the Canadian Devil! Phillip: Beelzeboot! Beelzeboot: You discovered my plan, but too late! [lets out a flaming turd] Now the souls of all Canadians belong to me! Terrance: Oh no! Prince: Oh, what have I done?! Beelzeboot: Heheheh! Hahaha! [lets out a flaming turd] Scene Description: Stan's room, night. Satan continues his talk with Stan, this time with a small whiteboard Satan: So basically, the genes you got from your dad make you more likely to have trouble with, um, dopamine regulation, and that's why you need to kind of watch out for addictive stuff.[puts the whiteboard aside] Okay, so we kind of understand now, champ? Stan: I guess so, but why do companies have to put so many addictive things out there? Satan: You know, they all do it, and it's kind of my deal, I have to put temptation out there too, so people have free will and all that shit. But ,you know, everyone has their justification and thinks what they're doing is okay. Voice Notification: *Ding* Ey, buddy, where'd you go? Don't you want more Canadough? Satan: What's this? Stan: That's what I've been addicted to. It's a freemium game sending me push notifications. [Satan taps the screen, stands up, and plays the game] Satan: What, you just collect coins? Announcer: How much money can you buy today? Satan: No, see, if something's addictive because it's fun, that's one thing. But this is just blatant Skinner box manipulation. Wait a minute. Who put this out? Stan: Ah, Canada? Satan: Oh that son of a bitch! He's always doing this shit! I tell him, "temptation has to be nuanced!" but he goes and does this crap again! I'm gonna need to borrow your soul real quick, kid. Is that alright? Stan: ...Okay. [Satan proceeds to possess Stan] Aaaaahhh! Scene Description: The Marsh living room, moments later. Randy and Sharon are on the sofa. Randy wears a beer hat with two cans of gluten-free PBR attached to it, one by each ear Randy: Oh pass interference! Interference! [points at the TV. Stan walks by] Sharon: Stan, where are you going? [Randy looks over] Stan: [with Satan's voice] I shall return. Do not attempt to stop me. [continues out the door] Randy: Told ya. Kid's got demons. I don't do that. [Sharon looks at him] Scene Description: The Canadian Department of Mobile Gaming, under a fiery sky. NC 9 Reporter: Horror and sadness all over Canada tonight. When the Prince signed the agreement to make a freemium game, he apparently made a deal with the Canadian Devil. Beelzeboot: [flies up to the microphone] Hey, guy, I'm the Canadian Devil. [lets out a flaming turd and flies back into the Department] NC 9 Reporter: The Canadian Devil now has complete control of the soul of every Canadian. This is a sad day for Canada, and therefore, the world. [Beelzeboot goes to torture Terrance, Phillip, and the Prince, who now hang from chains tied to the ceiling] Beelzeboot: Heh heheheh, I stab you. [Satan, now in Stan's body, appears outside the meeting room and blows the doors off, then walks in] Satan: Beelzeboot! Once again you lack any sense of nuance! Phillip: Who the fuck is that? Beelzeboot: Well well, my overachieving doppelganger! You're no match for Canadian Satan! [lets out a flaming turd] Satan: Return from whence you came! [purple balls of energy appear around his hands, and they produce two beams of flame which carry Beelzeboot out into the sky] Beelzeboot: Ow! Watch it, guy! [the battle continues in the sky] NC 9 Reporter: Sadly, a shocking turn of events here as the actual Devil has now appeared and seems to be fighting the Canadian Devil! This is certainly a conundrum for Canadians everywhere as we try to figure out who to root for. For that, let's ask the Minister of Sports in Edmonton. [The Canadian Minister of Sports appears on split screen] Minister of Sports: Well of course, the patriotic thing to do would be to root for the Canadian Devil. But then again, he is the one who has promised us pain and servitude for a million years. Canadian: Screw that, go Canada! Satan: Enough, Beelzeboot! Thy end has come. [the balls of energy reappear and this time he aims the flames down at Beelzeboot. He destroys the Department in the meantime. Flaming skulls appear and go back into the pit Satan created] Scene Description: The neighborhood park, day. Cartman, Kenny, and Kyle play basketball there when the ground next to them opens up and a bunch of red arms lift Stan out, repairing the court just before Stan lands on it. Kyle: Hey dude. Stan: Hey. Kyle: Y-you alright? Stan: Yeah. Yeah, I think I'm gonna be okay. [turns away and walks off the court] Cartman: Cool. Scene Description: Canada. There's a huge celebration, and the Prince steps up tp the podium Prince: My fellow Canadians, what we do now as a country will hopefully be a model for others. We have all learned a tragic lesson together: that though many sins are out there, when you get involved with freemium gaming, you are making a deal with the Canadian Devil. We will no longer make freemium games, and we will no longer make improvements to our country with money taken from addicts. Canada is back to being an ethical, respected, shitty tundra. [cheers erupt from the crowd] Scene Description: The Marsh dining room. Grandpa and Stan are playing a board game Stan: I'm gonna move here and here, and then I'm gonna roll to kill this zombie. Marvin: Well okay, good idea. [Stan rolls the dice] Randy: [stops by with an ornate silver cup] What are you gaywads doin'? Stan: We're playing board games, so that Grandpa avoids the casino and I avoid freemium apps. Randy: Well all right! Good for you guys. Tell you what, I'll join you. Board games go good with a glass of wine. [takes a seat] Stan: That's not a glass, that's a trophy, that you won, for drinking. Randy: It's not drinking. It's called a White Zinfandel Sipping Sprint, and it's competitive. Get off your high fuckin' horse. Stan: Your turn, Grandpa. If you roll a five or a six, you can kill these zombies. [Marvin takes the dice and rolls them] Randy: You guys wanna put some money on it? [Stan bangs his head on the table.]

Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Butters walks down the hallway wearing a fake Oculus headset. He stumbles along as if he's actually in virtual reality. He checks out the other kids, the floor, the surroundings... Butters: WHOOAA! It's all so real! Uh this is amazing! It's like I'm there! [Craig turns to watch] I see all our friends at school. Oh wow! If I hold up my hands, I can see them too. Whooaa... [He and Stan bump into each other and Butters begins to run his hands over him] Wow, you were right. I can actually feel it. Stan: [holding Butters off] Butters, what the hell are you doing? Butters: I feel Stan! He looks totally real! Cartman: [hidden around the corner, in front of the camera] That's awesome, Butters. [snickers away from the walkie-talkie] Keep making your way down the hallway. Your vital signs are looking good. What do you see now? [snickers away from the walkie-talkie] Butters: More of the school. [Clyde talks to Bebe, who then leaves] Clyde: What are you doing, Butters? Butters: The school and all the kids. [Clyde walks away] I still can't hear any sound except for your voice. Cartman: Yeah, they haven't worked out the audio yet, but I- [mutes the walkie-talkie and whispers] He's so fucking stupid. [un-mutes it] But I'm sure they will soon. Butters: [beginning to wobble] Ah, okay uh, I think I'm done, Eric. Ah I'm feeling kind of dizzy and uh- [about to take off the fake headset] Cartman: [watching him from around the corner] Butters, no! Are you crazy?! Butters: What what what? Cartman: What did I tell you about removing the headset when you're not back in the access hub?? Butters: [turns so that he's facing away from the camera] Oh yeah, that it would split my neurons and scramble my brains! I forgot! Cartman: You forgot your neurons would be torn apart?! Did you also forget that if you die in virtual reality you die in real life, Butters?! Butters: I'm sorry! Cartman: You need to find your way back to my room. Can you do that?? Butters: Yeah. Cartman: You only have eight minutes before the battery protocol dies, Butters. You have to hurry! Butters: [begins to run] Oh Jesus! [Cartman looks on from around the corner] Scene Description: From school to home. Butters comes out the front doors and runs to the sidewalk. He looks both ways and runs off to his left. Next, Cartman's house is shown the Cartman's room. Butters makes it inside, where Cartman has put up fluorescent posters and accents Butters: Okay, I'm back in your room! Cartman: Alright Butters, sit down at the computer. [Butters does this] Now drop the suppornity window! We're just gonna make it! Butters: [drops a shield over the glasses] Suppornity window dropped. [Cartman enters his room, locks the door and turns on the lights, then walks over to Butters and removes the fake headset. Butters wipes his eyes] Cartman: Welcome back, dude. Butters: Wow! That was cool! Cartman: How do you feel? Do you feel okay? Butters: I touched Wendy's boob. [smiles] Scene Description: The cafeteria, lunchtime. Cartman is at table with Kyle, Token, Kenny, Stan, and Jimmy. Cartman is laughing his ass off, but soon gets back to his story Cartman: And then, and then he, he took off the shop goggles, and he was all like, "Whoa, I'm back." [pounds his left fist on the table] Damn it if it's not the awesomest thing ever! Stan: Sound pretty typical to me. Cartman: Come on, guys! This is the cure de gars of Butters' torture! Kyle: Coup de grah, Cartman Cartman: Thank you, Kyle. Stan: Poor Butters. Can't you just leave him alone? Cartman: Dude, Butters is an asshole, and he deserves to be taken down once in a while, okay?! Butters: Hey Eric! What'd ya say to the principal for missing first period? [in a knowing voice] Not that we were doing anything interesting. Right Eric? [chuckles] Cartman: Yeah, I just told her I was running late and that it won't happen again. Butters: You know what I said? She asked me why I wasn't in school and I said "Well, technically I was in school." Tee hee. Sorry guys, but Eric and I know a little something you don't. Not that it's anything that cool. Right Eric? Cartman: Right Butters. [softly over his left shoulder] These guys are so dumb, huh? Butters: Yeah. [runs off with his food tray] Cartman: See? He's an asshole. Fuck him. Scene Description: Cartman's room, night. Butters is at the computer while Cartman holds the fake headset in hand Cartman: Each time you go into the virtual world it becomes more and more dangerous. Are you absolutely sure you want to do this, Butters? Butters: Well, not a hundred percent... Cartman: Even 10% is good enough. Here you go. [hands him the headset and Butters puts it on.] Butters: Okay, subject is ready. Cartman: [picks up the walkie-talkie] Okay, Butters, I'm booting up the core competency now. [presses a few keys on the keyboard] Edifice framework is online. Vital signs appear to be normal. Interim status? Butters: Interim status is go. Cartman: [turns off the room light so the fluorescent lights stand out] Digital malcontent now at parameter alpha. Prepare for full graphic interfaces on my mark: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, [raises the shield]Mark. [quickly hides in the closet as Butters gets accustomed to the headset again] Butters: It worked! I'm back in. All systems normal. Cartman: All right, Butters. Behind you you should see the door. Go through it and head outside. Butters: Going now! [bumps into the door frame, then goes downstairs. A second or two later Cartman comes out of the closet, turns on the light, goes to his computer and sits on his chair] Cartman: Everything looks good, Butters. You're doing great. Let's get to work. Butters: Okay. Scene Description: Stan's room, night. Stan is reading a book when he heats something outside. He sets the book aside and looks out his window. He sees Butters shoveling snow off people's driveways Butters: How much more of this am I supposed to clear up? Cartman: You're doing great. Almost done with this level Butters. Just make sure you clear the driveway and uh walkway of all the virtual snow. Butters: Okay. It's so realistic. [a shot of Stan watching from across the street.] The snow looks kind of fake though. [Stan leaves the window] Alright, I think that's all of it. Cartman: Okay, nice, Butters. Uhhm, now go to the front door and ring the doorbell. This is the part where you collect the money. Butters: [rings the doorbell. A middle-aged woman answers the door with a dollar bill in her hand] There's an old fat lady here! She's holding out money for me! Cartman: Just take the money, Butters! [Butters reaches for the bill and takes it.] Butters: Okay, I got it! Cartman: You got the money? [Butters walks down the walkway as the lady closes the front door] Okay great, Butters. Now get back to the access point. Butters: Already? Oh no! Cartman: Yeah, Butters, the discrepancy bars are oscillating. You need to uh, come back. [eats some more chips] Are you heading back Butters? [no reply.] Butters? [Butters goes home] Alright, Butters, you should be heading back to the access point now. You're going off grid. Butters: I'm sorry, Eric, but there's just one thing I gotta do real quick. [goes inside, leaving the front door open] Stephen: There you are, mister! Just what do you think you're doing?! Butters: Hello, Dad! It's me, Butters! Stephen: I know that! What do you-? Butters: This is for all the times I got grounded! [makes a fist and fires it at Stephen's groin. Stephen doubles over in pain] Stephen: Ohhh! Oooooo! Ohhh! Butters: HA! I can almost feel his balls on my fist! [at the other end of the call, Cartman is shocked] Haha! How do you like that, Dad?! Linda: Butters, why?? Oh my God! Butters: Huh, that was incredible! Cartman: [getting worried] Uh, Butters, uhh, get back to the access point now. Butters: I feel amazing! [giggles] I'm back outside now. I'm a baaaaad man! You hear me?! [starts throwing rocks] Eh take that, you stupid cars! [a hit car screeches to a halt] Driver: [steps out of the car] What the hell are you doing, kid?! Cartman: Butters, it's, uhh, time to stop. Get back to my place. Butters: [knocks the driver out of the car] Who's the man now?! I'm gonna take his car! This is like Grand Theft Auto! Driver: Hey! [Butters peels away] Butters: Whoa! I'm in the car now. Cartman: Oh shit! [runs outside] Butters! Butters, where are you now? Butters: Hahaha, I'm in the bad part of town! I just hit a lamp post! Ah, ah-I'm back on my feet. Oh, oh that's cool. There's a prostitute out here. Cartman: Okay Butters, let's call it good, okay? Butters: I'm gonna beat her up and take her money! Cartman: Wait, hang on Butters! Butters: Take that, you dumb hooker! Hooker: What you doin' motherfucker?! Butters: I'm taking your money! Ow. Oh she stabbed me. Uh the hooker stabbed me. Cartman: Butters get back to my room! The veracrosses are destablilzing! Butters: I can't [wheeze] I can't breathe too good. Eric, I can't see. Are you still there? Oh... I think I overdid it. I have to take this thing off. What the hell? What the hell is that?! AAAH! Cartman: Butters?? Butters?? [turns the walkie-talkie off] Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, now bigger, with two new wings and four floors. Moon shadows appear on the facade. Butters is in a room with a doctor and a nurse Dr. Carroll: You're very lucky, young man. You've got a couple of hairline fractures, but the knife missed your spleen by half an inch. Butters: I... I d-didn't think a knife could really hurt me. Ah I thought I was just in a virtual reality. Dr. Carroll: No, you actually got stabbed by a hooker. We've called your parents and they're on their way. Your dad wanted me to let you know that you're grounded more than you can possibly imagine. Butters: Aw nuts! Dr. Carroll: Try and relax, and when your parents get here we'll sort this all out. [the doctor and nurse leave. The nurse turns off the light] Butters: I wonder how long I'm grounded for? Cartman: Butters. [Butters looks to his right. Dramatic camera pan from Butters to Cartman, who stands on the window sill like Morpheus] Butters: Ahhh! Cartman: Are you okay? Butters: Eric! Uh what are you doing here? Cartman: I'm not here, Butters. Butters: What? Cartman: This is going to be hard to understand, Butters, [climbs down to the floor] but, you've become trapped in a simulation. None of this... [spreads his arms out] is real. Butters: [looks around skeptically] Nuh uh! Cartman: Yeahuh huh. I told you never to take the headset off outside the access point, didn't I?! We're actually both in my house right now. You're wearing the headset and I'm talking to you as a computer program. That's why I can... manipulate reality. [pulls off the missing thumb trick.] Butters: WHAT?? [Cartman puts on a couple of thumb lights and clicks them on and off in alternate order.] Cartman: You see, in this world, things aren't... what they seam. [pulls out a wand from his sleeve and produces a bouquet of flowers from it] Butters: [now on edge] Aghah. Okay, stop! Stooop! Cartman: Listen to me carefully, Butters. The Oculus Compromise has been streamlined. You can't trust anyone in this reality. Say nothing to no one about the Oculus Rift. If you think they know, they will kill you. Butters: Ah how do you know that?! Cartman: [pressing a buzzer] How would I know that the nurse is about to walk through that door? [hides under the bed] Nurse: Everything okay in here? Butters: Aaaaah! Yes! Y-yes everything's fine! Nurse: O-kay. [turns around and walks out. Cartman comes out from the window side of the bed] Cartman: Butters. Butters: NO! Cartman: I'm gonna get you back to reality, Butters. But you have to give me time! I've gotta go. The Orion parameters are embellishing. Just stay quiet! [performs another trick in which he gets a coin inside a glass bottle... and succeeds] Butters: [thoroughly scared, shuts his eyes] AAAAAAHAHAH! [he opens them moments later and Cartman is gone.] Scene Description: The bus stop, next day. The four boys await the bus. Kyle is angry at Cartman Kyle: Well? Are you happy, Cartman? Butters is completely traumatized! Cartman: I'm happy that I totally got away with it. [gets a call] What's a 911 area code? Hello? Steve: Hello, Eric. My name is Steve from Oculus Customer Service. There seems to be an error with our virtual headsets, and on behalf of the company, I would like to apologize and try to help. Cartman: With what? Steve: This is going to be very jarring for you, but, there has been a malfunction with the headset you ordered from us. Right now, you're actually in your room at your computer wearing an Oculus headset, but, you're in a coma-like trance, my friend. Cartman: [slowly] Fuck you! Steve: I understand your shock, my friend, but you have simply been in the virtual world so long you have forgotten. Kyle: You should probably listen to him, dude. Cartman: Uh huh. 'Cause I thought I was messing with Butters, but I'm actually the one trapped in virtual reality. Steve: The people you are talking to are just computer programs, my friend. Cartman: Guys, tell him you're not computer programs. Kyle: [glances at Stan and Kenny] Maybe we are. Cartman: [sighs and squeezes his eyes shut for a moment] Kyle, just- don't be a dick right now. Steve: I know this is very hard for you, but we don't have a lot of time. Cartman: Do you really think I'm that stupid?! That I believe all of this all along has been me living out some kind of virtual reality fantasy? Fuck you! [Well...] Scene Description: Cartman's room, day. Liane has prepared a glazed burger for Cartman and takes it to his room. She knocks on his door. Liane: Eric? Poopsiekins? [hearing no reply, she opens his door and goes in] Eric? [Steve was right. Cartman is at his computer wearing the Oculus headset, in a coma-like trance] Honey, maybe that's enough computer time. It's been about nineteen hours now. [Cartman's left foot twitches] I know you said not to disturb you with your new toy, but Mommy thought maybe you needed to eat? [this time Cartman moves his whole body] All right, I'll just leave it here, hon. [sets the burger next to the computer] I'm turning in for the night. Mommy loves you.[exits and closes the door] Scene Description: Butters' house, next day. Stephen: What kind of person did we raise you to be?! You think this world is just there for your amusement?! You are not to leave this room, and you are not allowed to use the phone or the computer! Butters: Please! You can't do that! I have to find a way out of this! Stephen: Oh no, mister. You are GROUNDED! [Butters recoils and Stephen slams the door shut. Butters turns around and goes to sit on the floor beside his bed. The door opens and Cartman enters] Cartman: Are you fucking with me?! Butters: ...What? What do you mean? Cartman: Butters, I'm seriously! Are you fucking with me?! Butters: I don't know what you mean. Cartman: Because if you are, it's not cool! Butters: Eric, you said you were going to get me out of this virtual world! Cartman: Butters, I talked to Oculus Customer Service, and they said I'm the one who's wearing a headset and has forgotten he's in virtual reality! Butters: Oh really? Oh, that's a relief. Cartman: Oh it's a relief, huh?! Well guess what, Butters! If I'm the one trapped in virtual reality, that means you're nothing but a computer program! Butters: Oh gosh! Cartman: That's right! Butters: OH GOSH! Cartman: THAT'S RIGHT! And you'd better stop messin' around, Butters, so I can help you out of this! Because you know how I said if you die in virtual reality you die in real life? Butters: Yeah. Cartman: Well if you get grounded in virtual reality, you get grounded in real life too... FOREVER! [Butters is alarmed] Scene Description: The neighborhood park, day. Stan and Kyle are playing tether-ball near the restrooms. Kyle's phone rings Kyle: [answers] Hello? Butters: Kyle, it's Butters. I've been grounded! Kyle: Again? Butters: No no, you don't understand. This time I've been grounded for no good reason! I didn't do anything, Kyle! Kyle: Uh huh. Butters: I think there's somethin' supernatural goin' on. I asked my dad why I was being grounded, and he said that for asking him, that I was more grounded! It doesn't make sense! Kyle: Butters, Butters, I'm, I'm kind of super busy right now. Butters: PLEASE! Just go to Cartman's house. I think the answer might be within the- Stephen: Butters?! Who is that?! Butters: Ahhh! Wuhhhh! Ahhh- [Kyle looks concerned and hangs up] Kenny: [runs up to Stan and Kyle, panicked] (You guys! You guys, oh shit, come check this out!) Scene Description: Cartman's room. Kenny leads Stan and Kyle inside over to Cartman, who is still passed out wearing the Oculus headset Kenny: (You see? Look at all this dried up food. He must have been here for days!) Kyle: You found Cartman like this and you think he's somehow trapped in virtual reality? Kenny: (Yeah!) Kyle: [slowly] Fuck you! Kenny: [taken aback] (What??) Kyle: Get up, Cartman! Kenny: [angry] (This isn't a prank, Kyle!) Kyle: Okay, then let's take him to the hospital. You hear that, fatso?! [shakes Cartman's chair] You're goin' to the hospital! Stan: Kyle, maybe this is for real. Kyle: [looks back at Stan, then turns around to face him] Fuck you if you're in on this. Stan: In on what? [thinks a moment...] Ohh, [slowly] Fuck you! Scene Description: The customer service center in India Steve: Yes, no, sorry, but because you bought two business-class tickets I can NOT refund the fares. [listens to the response] That's right, there is nothing we can do. All right. Have I answered all your customer concerns in a timely, polite manner? Thank you for calling Korean Airlines Customer Service. [clicks to the next caller] El Pollo Loco Customer Service, this is Steve. Kyle: Oh. Ah, we're trying to reach Oculus Customer Service. Steve: Oh, yes, ah, yes my friend. [clicks again] Oculus Customer Service, this is Steve. Kyle: Yeah, our friend has been missing for a few days, so we went and checked on him, and he's in a coma wearing your headset. Steve: Ohh yehhs, yes. What is your name please? Kyle: Kyle. Steve: Kyle. I need to advise you that this call may be recorded to help with better customer service in the future. Is that agreeable to you? Kyle: I don't care! Steve: He doesn't care! I can continue! All right, listen very carefully my friend. The headsets we sold you are having some minor problems. Kyle: You mean he's actually stuck in virtual reality?! Steve: Yes. And that is why we are trying to locate all the headsets and do a recall. Do you understand? It is a Total Recall. Kyle: [rolls his eyes, then slowly] Fuck you! Stan: "Fuck you" what? Kyle: He said they're doing a Total Recall. Stan: Oh fuck you! Steve: All right, did I take care of all your customer needs in a timely and satisfactory fashion today? Kyle: You haven't done anything yet! Steve: But the customer service - was that reliable? And did I accurately and politely respond to your concerns? Kyle: We need help! Our friend is in a coma! Steve: Uhhh let's see, ah, it looks like... one of you is going to have to put on the Oculus headset and go into the virtual world and convince your friend to get to an access point. Could you try that, my friend? [Kyle looks at his phone, then at the user's manual] Scene Description: South Park, morning. A signal interrupts the scenery twice, but is quickly gone Scene Description: Cartman's house, living room. Cartman is pacing the living room trying to calm himself Cartman: It's okay. Everything is cool. Don't let anyone mess with your head, and it's all going to be fine. You're cool, Eric. You're cool. [the doorbell rings and he answers. It's Kyle.] Kyle: Hey, Cartman, I need to talk to you. Cartman: I know. Let's go to the backyard. [turns and walks to the backyard. Kyle is quite surprised by Cartman's reaction. Moments later they takes seats at the picnic table out back. A butterfly floats by] Kyle: Cartman, I'm going to tell you something, and I need you to believe me, even if it seems impossible. Cartman: Okay Kyle. Kyle: Alright, here it goes. Cartman, you aren't really here. Cartman: Mmm. And why do you know that, Kyle? Kyle: Because I saw you. Okay? In your room, passed out, with a VR headset on. Customer Service said that one of us needed to put on the headset and come get you, and that's why I'm here. Cartman: [laces his fingers together, with his index fingers making a steeple in front of his lips] Mmmhmm. Kyle: I know it's hard to believe, but you have to trust me. Cartman: And why did the guys send you, Kyle? Kyle: Www-what do you mean? Cartman: Kyle, I want you to brace yourself. This is going to be extremely hard to believe, but you are the one that has been in a coma with a VR headset on. Kyle: Fuck you! Cartman: I know it's hard to grasp, Kyle, but I was the one sent by customer service to try and convince you that none of what you've seen is real. You bought the Oculus Rift headset, Kyle. Kyle: Don't... do that! Cartman: Calm down. Kyle: NO! I put your headset on, and came here to- Cartman: In virtual reality, yes you did. Kyle: No. Then I came into this virtual space. Cartman: You've been in a virtual space all along, Kyle! Think about it: we're arch-rivals! Why would the guys send you in to convince me of anything?! Kyle: Fuck you! Why would they send you in to convince me of anything?! Cartman: [defeated] Fuck! Scene Description: Best Buy, day. A Best Buy rep answers a phone Best Buy Rep: Thanks for callin' Best Buy. How can I direct your call? Kyle: Yes. My name is Kyle Broflovski. Can you tell me if I purchased an Oculus Rift headset there? Cartman: Or if I did? Kyle: Or if you sold one to an "Eric Cartman"? Best Buy Rep: Sir, I'm gonna have to connect you to Customer Service. Hang on a sec. [transfers the call and hangs up. The call now reaches ... Steve!] Steve: Best Buy Customer Service, this is Steve. Kyle: [stunned at the familiar voice] Dude... What? Cartman: What? [takes the phone from Kyle] Hello? Steve: Yes, hello. This call may be recorded to ensure good customer service in the future. Cartman: Dude. NOW this is getting weird! Scene Description: The Stotch house, night. Stephen and Linda sit down for dinner Stephen: [loudly] Well, this looks like a lovely meal. Too bad Butters won't be enjoying it. You hear that, mister?! No dinner for you! While you're grounded you can just GO TO BED HUNGRY! Linda, do you remember why Butters is grounded? What, what did he do? Linda: Oh. I don't know, Stephen, I let you handle all the groundings. Stephen: It's strange. I don't recall him really doing anything particularly bad, and yet... and yet he is grounded. [hears something upstairs] And no bouncing the racquetball either! Scene Description: Cartman's room. Stan and Kenny are the only two in the room, and Kenny's wearing the Oculus Rift. Stan is talking to Customer Service Stan: No, listen, I called Customer Service because I need help! [the door opens and Cartman and Kyle walk in] Kyle: Wait. Stan? [walks up to Stan] Hold on, is this my virtual reality, or Cartman's virtual reality? Stan: It's neither. I know this might be hard for you to grasp right now, but this is all actually real. Kyle: Nono, after we found Cartman, I put the headset on and then- Stan: No dude, dude. We've all been here the entire time. Kyle: Holy shit. Then this is all real. We've all been here from the beginning. Taking turns on the Oculus Rift headset. Cartman: [still lost] No, you guys. This is virtual reality. Stan: How do you know? Cartman: Because... I'm a computer program. Kyle: God damn it Cartman! Cartman: I'm telling you guys, I swear, you have to believe me, I am a computer program. I'm not real. Kyle: He's lying. Cartman: I'm not lying. Go ahead and ask Customer Service. Stan: What was the name of the first person who called you for customer service? Steve: Ohhh yes yes yes! That I can answer! His name was... But-ters! Stan: Butters called Customer Service first? Steve: Have I answered all your questions in a satisfying and courteous manner? Stan: Come on, we're going to Butters' house! [they leave Kenny behind] Steve: Hello? My friend? My friend, I believe we are having some technical issues with our phone line. Please hang on, I'm going to call Customer Service. Scene Description: Steve talks to himself Steve: Hello, Customer Service, this is Steve. Steve: Hello, this is Steve with Customer Service. Steve: Uhhh, nononono my friend. I am Steve with Customer Service. Steve: Listen, my friend. This is gong to be very hard to comprehend, but none of what you are seeing is real. Steve: ...Ohhh, nohhh, nonononononono. Steve: My friend, my friend, a customer who is in virtual reality called Customer Service, and it has created a customer feedback loop. Okay? Here in India we call it a customer feedback vindaloop. Steve: [slowly, wagging his left index finger] Ohhh, fuck you! Steve: Nononononono, do not fuck me, because I am you and then we will just be fucking ourselves. Now, have I provided answers to your questions in a courteous and prompt fashion? Steve: What do you mean have you answered all my questions?! NO! You have not answered ANY questions at ALL! Steve: Nonononono no, listen, listen: if I didn't answer your questions, then we have given bad customer service! Steve: But you didn't answer any of my questions! Steve: Well what is more important, my friend? The result, or good customer service? Scene Description: Butters' room, day. He sits on the floor by his bed playing a child's xylophone. The curtains are drawn, but leave a small gap through which the sun shines in Butters: [singing a spiritual] I'm troubled, I'm troubled in mind. If Jesus don't help me I surely will die. [his door opens and Stan, Kyle, and Cartman come in] Stan: Butters. Butters: [startled] Huh. But... [stands up] you guys can't be here. Kyle: Why not? Butters: Because I'm grounded. That means no visitors. Kyle: Butters! When did you call Oculus Rift Customer Service?! Butters: When we were playing with the Oculus headset. Wuh don't you guys remember? [goes to the bedroom door] We were all messin' around with it. I played with it first, and, and went a little nuts. Uh I forgot I was in virtual reality and I got grounded, and now I'm grounded in real life. Stan: So now we are in the real world. Butters: YES. Cartman: You guys! [the boys look at him] I have accepted the reality that I am just a computer program. The fact is that one of us right now is in a room wearing a VR helmet seeing all this, and it's not me! Stephen: [appears behind him] Butters! Butters: [really startled] AAaaghagh! Stephen: What are your friends doing here?! Butters: Huh I'm sorry Dad! Steve: Hello, hello my friend, are you still there? Stan: Yes, we're here. Steve: Listen carefully, my friend. You are stuck in a paradox. It turns out there are three things you cannot do in virtual reality. You cannot die, you cannot get grounded, and you cannot call Customer Service. This is why you are having problems. Stephen: You just don't get it, do you?! What is wrong with you?! Stan: [as Stephen chews Butters out, puts some distance between them and himself] Well then how much of what just happened was in virtual reality? Steve: That does not matter! There is only one thing that matters! Stan: What?! [Stephen unbuckles his belt, Butters holds a hand up] Steve: Have I answered your questions satisfactorily and offered GOOD CUSTOMER SERVICE?! Stan: That doesn't make sense! [Stephen takes his belt off. Butters closes his eyes, knowing what's coming] Steve: That's the paradox! Please my friend, please! I am not real! You are not real! Have I answered your questions and provided good customer service?! This call may be recorded! [the boys look at Stephen and Butters as Stephen prepares his belt for a whipping] Stephen: Well, you're getting it now! Stan: Yes! Yes, you have answered all my questions and I am pleased with the customer service I have been provided!! [Stephen disappears, then Butters, then Kyle, then Cartman] You guys? Are you there? Kyle: [from a walkie-talkie] We're right here dude. Do you remember now? Stan: Yeah I remember. I'm heading back to the access point. [leaves Butters' room. Stephen and Linda never really left the dining room table/ Stephen senses a change in mood] Stephen: Oh my gosh! Linda! Linda: What is it, Stephen? Stephen: It's Butters. He's not grounded anymore. Linda: He's not? Stephen: No. I've I've got to tell him! [leaves his chair and runs up to Butters' room] Butter? Butters! [Butters is on his bed, with the curtains open, asleep] Butters: [wakes up] Ahhh, huh? Stephen: You can go outside and play, son. Butters: You... you, you mean ih... [sits up] I'm not grounded? Stephen: No. I don't know why or how, but... it's over. Butters: They did it! [hops off his bed] They figured it out! [heads out the door] Whoopie! Scene Description: Cartman's house, later. Stan walks up to the house Stan: Alright, I'm nearing Checkpoint Alpha. You guys still there? Kyle: We're here, dude. Just a little further and we can finally end this. Stan: [goes upstairs and enters Cartman's room] Okay, I'm back in Cartman's room. Cartman: Alright, Stan, just sit down at the computer. [Stan does this] Kyle: Alright, dude, take off the headset. [Stan reaches up and removes the headset. At this point the animation switches to live-action. Stan finishes taking off the headset as Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny watch] Kyle: Sssoo aside from all the bull crap, what do ya think of the Oculus? Stan: [thoughtfully looking at the headset] It's pretty cool, but the graphics suck. Scene Description: Credits start rolling but after few credits roll there is shot back at Stan's room Butters: [hops in like a bunny] Fellas, I'm not grounded anymore.

Scene Description: South Park Elementary hallway, day. The students are going about their business when several girls arrive with fliers in hand. Girl 1: [handing out fliers] Hey guys. [Clyde takes one] Thanks. Support your team? Thank you. Hey guys. Did you get one of these? [walks up to Cartman and Craig] Hope you can make it. Cartman: [takes a flier] What's this? Girl 1: The girls' volleyball team has a big game tonight and we're just asking for people to come cheer us on. Cartman: [looks at Craig.] Girls volleyball? [they both laugh at the thought] Uhhh, sorry, we're actually busy. Girl 2: What's wrong with supporting girls' athletics?! Cartman: Dude, girls should totally be allowed to play sports, you just can't expect people to want to watch. Okay? [hands the flier back to girl 1] All right. Girl 3: [walks up to Stan, Kyle, and Kenny] You know, we're actually in the playoffs, and all we keep hearing is "We're too busy." Kyle: But we actually are busy. Tonight's the big fight. Girl 3: What fight? Stan: Dude, Kenny is fighting Slaughterhouse tonight. I mean, no offense, but, we're not gonna miss the fight for... girls' volleyball. [he, Kenny, and Kyle laugh] Cartman: Yeah so, sorry you're not getting any spectators, but there's hardcore dude shit to watch. Scene Description: A shop in South Park. A board on the sidewalk says "Magic the Gathering Tournament Today." Inside, Kenny and a heavy-set player, Slaughterhouse, are sat at a table already playing against each other, The player shuffles his cards around looking for the best ones to play Slaughterhouse: Alright, I'm going to play a fifth mana card... and then I'm going to attack with my Elderbeast- hold on. Wait. Hold on. Kyle: Can Kenny block his Elderbeast? Stan: Not with his Shapeshifter. It already attacked. Cartman: This asshole needs to make a move already! Referee: Quiet in the peanut gallery, please. Slaughterhouse: I am attacking, but with a newly summoned Spark Ghast who has Trample. Four damage to your planeswalker. Boys: Ohhhh! Butters: Oh no! Kenny! Stan: Shhh! Butters: But he's dying! [Kenny lays down a card] Stan: What's that? Cartman: He's playing an enchantment. Stan: This late? Kyle: He just stacked his Shapeshifter with an Elven Blade! Slaughterhouse: I can block that with Uprooted Minotaur. [Kenny lays down his next card] Boys: Ohhhh! Referee: Serendib Sorcerer unblocked. Winner: McCormick! Boys: Yeeahhh! Slaughterhouse: Nnoohhh! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Cartman recounts the previous day's events to the kids in the hallway. In the distance, a new janitor listens in while mopping the floor Cartman: Dude, it was complete brutality! Kyle: You've never seen anything so ruthless! Stan: It was seriously almost hard to watch. [Wendy appears in the distance and walks over to the boys] Cartman: At one point, Kenny actually polymorphed the dude into a blue frog with an instant attack card. It was carnage, bro! Stan: [sees Wendy] Wendy, did you hear about last night? Wendy: Yeah, I heard the girls' volleyball team won by like 20 points. Stan: Not that. Did you actually go to that? Wendy: Yeah. You should show your support too sometime. Stan: Pfft, whatever. Cartman: Dude, I don't think people are appreciating this! [the janitor finally looks at the group] It was such pwnage it was almost repulsive! Janitor: Hey! Pssst! [the boys see him] Come over here. [the boys walk over to him while the other kids disperse] You guys like hard-core stuff, huh? Cartman: Yeah we like hardcore stuff, we're fuckin' dudes, bro. Janitor: Yeah well, you boys wanna get in on some real action? If you like excitement. I'm not talkin' about the little boys stuff. I'm talkin' about real man shit. Stan: We're men. Janitor: Well then, if you wanna see REAL fights with REAL brutality, go here. [hands them a sheet of paper with an address on it, and Kyle steps forward to take it] This is the underground stuff, so keep it quiet. [turns right and leaves] And you might wanna pack a barf bag. Cartman: [steps forward and watches him leave] Kewwwl! Scene Description: South Park After Dark. The boys walk to a familiar place. Kyle: Should be the next one. 2778 Mala Vista Drive. Wait, this is City Wok. Cartman: What's hardcore and exciting about Shitty shrimp? [they approach the doors] Kyle: It doesn't even look like they're open. [tugs and knocks at the doors] Mr. Tuong: [unlocks the doors and answers them] We crosed! We crosed for the night! Go away prease! [waves them away] Stan: Uhhh, Mitchell the Janitor sent us? Mr. Lu Kim: You purice? Kenny: (What?) Cartman: Dude, do we look like police? Mr. Lu Kim: Okay, come on, come on, five dorrah, five dorrah each! Come on, five dorrah! Cartman: Five dorrah?! [Mr. Lu Kim hushes them quickly and leads them to the back room, which leads to the basement. Lu Kim opens the basement door] Mr. Lu Kim: You go down! Go down, find seat! We in sixth fight! Gogogogogogogo! [the kids go in, then Mr. Tuong, who closes the door behind him.] Scene Description: City Wok basement. Lots of activity going on down there. Two roosters are set to fight each other with cards. The boys make it to ringside. An announcer calls the play-by-play Announcer: Scrambles plays a Black Swamp mana card. Fluffy counters with a mana card of his own. And he plays a Fugitive Wizard! Crowd: Ooooooo. Announcer: More mana from Scrambles! And yes, that is Crippling Blight! Crippling Blight to the Fugitive Wizard! Creature now has -1 to strength and defense! More Mana from Fluffy. Now he'll attack with Fugitive Wizard, and there's an instant attack from Scrambles! That is Peel from Reality! Fugitive Wizard is literally torn apart from the battleground! The boys: Whoa! Announcer: The mana is flying now as both roosters play sorcery spells! It's Mass Calcify against Into the Void! Scene Description: M Burger, next day. The boys are eating Cartman: Dude, that was total carnage! Stan: That was freakin' hardcore. Cartman: Can you believe that rooster played a Kalonian Twingrove with half his mana tapped? Stan: It was just decimation. Kyle: It was really about the most man thing I think we've ever been a part of. Cartman: We're going again on Friday, right? Stan: Hell yeah! [Kenny lowers his head, and Cartman notices] Cartman: What's the matter Kenny? Kenny: (I don't know. It just seems kind of... mean) Stan: What's mean about it? Kenny: [mumbles] Cartman: You feel bad for the roosters? Kenny: (Yeah, I feel bad for the roosters.) Stan: Look, who's to say the roosters don't wanna play? I mean, they were goin' at it pretty hard. Kyle: Yeah, maybe that just kind of what they do naturally. Cartman: Guys, I think maybe Kenny's a little hurt because he was the big Magic champion, and now chickens are stealing his thunder. Kenny: (No.) Cartman: Huh? A little bit? Kenny: (NO.) Stan: Dude, you know what we should do? We should all go in on a rooster. Kyle: Dude, totally. With Kenny's Magic skills, we could probably kick serious ass! Cartman: What do you think Kenny? Would that make you feel better? Huh? Come on, where's that smile? Where's that smile, Kenny? I think he's smiling you guys. [Kenny just looks at his meal] Scene Description: The McCormick house, day. Two officers stand at the landing as one of them knocks Det. Harris: Hello, Mr. McCormick. Surprised to see us? Stuart: What do you mean? Det. Harris: Let's cut the crap, huh? We know there's an illegal cock Magic ring going on in town, we just wanna know who's leading it. Stuart: What's cock Magic? Det. Harris: Right. Roosters are being forced against their will to play "Magic: the Gathering," and you know nothing about it because you're 'white'. Let's git something straight: cock Magic isn't an Asian thing or a Mexican thing. White people do it too, if they're poor enough. You got a junked car in your front yard, Mr. McCormick. Care to tell us where the cock Magic fights are being held? Stuart: I don't go to any cock Magic fights! Det. Harris: Do you have any sympathy at all for the animals, Mr. McCormick? Can you imagine being kept in a small cage, barely able to turn around, and then finally let out only to be blasted by Arctic ice spells and legendary creature cards? It's illegal, and it's wrong, and anyone I find involved with this filth is goin' down! Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. The boys are on the sofa and Randy is lecturing them on Magic: the Gathering. Or on cock Magic. Randy: Now I don't wanna lecture anybody, but what you boys are getting involved in is dangerous! Stan: Dad, it's not that big a deal. Randy: It is a big deal, okay?! People can get hurt! Believe it or not I was into Cock Magic back in college. Kyle: You were? Randy: Yes, so I'm not some fuddy-duddy who doesn't get it! I just wanna make sure if you boys do it, you do it right, and safely. [whips out a handkerchief, and drums begin to play. Randy places the hankey over his pants and begins a demonstration of cock magic, as he knew it] Scene Description: Randy's cock magic. It moves left, then right quickly. Then it pops up from behind the hankey, then pops under Stan: Dad, that's not, that's not cock Magic. Randy: Oh? Not impressed? How about this? [makes his penis pop out right, left, down... up, left. Stan hides his face in his hand while his friends are speechless] Scene Description: A run-down house, much like Kenny's, day. The boys approach it and ring the buzzer. This place has an intercom Voice: What is it?! Cartman: Hello? We're looking to buy a rooster that can play "Magic: The Gathering"? Voice: Never heard of cock Magic, or roosters. Kyle: Uhhh, we aren't cops or anything. Breeder: [The voice, opens up and lets them in] Come on to the back, don't mind the smell. [he takes the boys to his barn and shows them around] We only deal in the highest quality poultry Planeswalkers. Are you looking for a New Hampshire or a Cornish breed? Kyle: We don't... really know the difference. Breeder: Well, your New Hampshire broiler chickens are the best for white mana. These here have been raised to play mostly protection spells and do well with sorcery cards. And here you got your green mana necromancers. Lots of earthy growth and hindering incantations that are good against blue- or black-stacked decks. Stan: Do you think they're happy? Breeder: Do I think they're happy? Stan: Yeah, like, do you think they mind being made to play "Magic: The Gathering"? Breeder: [thinks a moment] They're fuckin' chickens. Cartman: Well, our friend here has some animal-rights concerns. Do you have any free-range chickens? Breeder: Free-range chickens are primarily control deck players that slow the game down with board control cards. Cartman: Aw, screw the free-range chickens, huh, Kenny? Stan: [off-screen] Hey, how about this little guy? Breeder: That one's kind of young. I don't even know what kinda cards he prefers. Kyle: Then he's perfect for us. Cartman: What should we name him, Kenny? I know. How about "McNuggets"? Kyle: Hey McNuggets. You wanna come play for us? Cartman: [mimicking a rooster] "Yes I do, you guys." [normally] Oh wow, did you hear him, Kenny? Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. Sharon is in the master bedroom folding clothes when Shelly appears Shelly: Mom, will you tell Dad to get out of the bathroom?! He's been in there for an hour! Scene Description: The Marsh bathroom, moments later. A drummer is heard inside Sharon: Randy? Randy: [lounge voice] Hey! Oh! Oh thank you! Sharon: [Sharon pounds on the door] Randy, what are you doing?! Randy: Oh! Nothing, Sharon. Just going to the bathroom, if you don't mind. [back to the lounge voice] Hey! Sharon: Randy, why are there drums playing? [the drums stop and Randy opens the door] Randy: All right, Sharon. I'm practicing. Cock magic is making a comeback. Sharon: Ohhh, no no nononononono no. Randy: Oh yehhs yesyseyseyesyseyse Sharon, I don't know why or how, but people all over town are talking about it again. Now you know that I was one of the best back in college. Sharon: I know that's why you got kicked out of college. Randy: Because people didn't understand! People were afraid, Sharon! But now culture has caught up. And even our son is discovering what cock magic has to offer. Sharon: Stanley?? Randy: People are going to do it, Sharon. And it's up to the professionals to make sure it's handled the right way. Hoh! [a hankey drapes his erect penis] Oh my gosh! [pulls the hankey off and the penis is back in his pants. He smiles, she walks away, his smile fades, and he goes back into the bathroom and shuts the door] Scene Description: City Wok, Friday night. Tonight, it's McNuggets against a different rooster. Announcer: Reuben casts Silklash Spider. Silklash Spider can block as if it had Flying! And now he casts Geistflame, dealing one damage to McNuggets. Cartman: [through gritted teeth] Come on, McNuggets! Fight! Kyle: You can do it, McNuggets! [the crowd argues around them] Announcer: Quiet, please. Someone: I think I'll bet on the next one. Announcer: Waaiitt! [the crowd gets quiet] McNuggets has cast Punishing Fire, absorbing the Geistflame and dealing two damage to the opponent! Game, set and match, McNuggets! Crowd: Whoa! Stan: Yeah! Cartman: All right, McNuggets! Kyle: All right, McNuggets! [after the fights the boys leave City Wok] Did we pick the right rooster or what?! Cartman: [carrying McNuggets in a small cage] That was goddamned manly! I mean, no offense to Kenny, but that shit made regular "Magic: The Gathering" look like girls' volleyball. Promoter: [comes out behind the boys with two bodyguards] Excuse me. That was pretty impressive down there. You boys have a nice cock. Cartman: Thank you so very much. Promoter: I've never seen a rooster throw down spells with such raw brutality. How would you like to move him up to the big time? Kyle: You mean there's more to this? Promoter: Oh, yes. And I'm not talking about the basement of some seedy Chinese restaurant, I'm talking about the basement of a well-established Chinese franchise. Saturday night, here's the address. [again Kyle takes the slip of paper] Let's see what kind of money your cock can really make. Stan: Gee, thanks! Cartman: You hear that, McNuggets? You're goin' to the big leagues! Scene Description: A girl's sixth birthday party, back yard. Lots of kids running around and making noise. A bounce house is off to one corner Woman: Okay kids, it's time for our birthday show. Everyone, let's be quiet now. Come on. Kindergarten boy: Yay, a show, a show! Woman: Do you kids like magic? Kindergartners: Yeah, yay! Woman: Okay, well let's all give a cheer for the Amazingly Randy! [leaves as Randy enters, and the kids cheer] Randy: Hey kids, are we having fun? [places his hat over his groin, then reaches for it on his head] Oh where'd my hat go?! Anyone see my hat? [no reaction from the kids. Inside, the parents are preparing the cake] Woman: [mixing some lemonade] Okay, the magician has started. Let's get the cake ready. Randy: [with his penis in a box and a saw in his left hand] Now, some of you might think that this is a little crazy, but if you believe in magic... [begins to saw through the box] you'll find that- [the saw hits something that produces gushes of blood. All the kids are hit and they panic] Ow! Ow! Oh God! Can somebody help, please! Man: [chuckles] They're getting a kick out the magician, huh? Randy: Won't somebody help me out?! Get someone- You, little girl! Can you please just, just check behind your ear?! [the girl reaches behind her ear and pulls out a detached penis. She screams and Randy takes it from her.] Oh, it was behind her ear. [goes back to the stage and pops it right back where it should be, hidden so the kids don't see what he's actually doing] And there we go and we're all better and I am the Amazingly Randy! Thank you! [kids are still screaming] Kindergarten boy: I hate you! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Stan recounts the events of the night before Stan: Dude, it was so badass! Our guy slaughtered every other fighter there. And now he's moving up to the real hardcore shit. Kyle: It was seriously about the greatest night of our lives. Craig: Where was all this? Cartman: We can't tell you, bro. It's like, hardcore underground shit. Kyle: Yeah, you gotta know people. Butters: Dangit, I wish I knew people. Mr. Garrison: All right kids, before we get started, the coach of the girls' volleyball team is here and would like to say a few words. [goes to his desk as she enters] Coach: Thank you, Mr. Garrison. Listen uh, last night we had a pretty big game against Evergreen. The girls really hammered 'em, but once again we're a... little disappointed in the turnout. Cartman: Oh Jesus, give it a rest already. Butters: [chuckling] Yeah. Coach: You know, when you put your all into something, it's kind of a bummer when people don't seem to care. [focus on Kenny, who looks down] Kind of makes you feel like the sport you love is becoming a joke. Stan: Dude, girls' volleyball isn't a joke. Jokes are hard and require skill. Cartman: OOHHH!! [laughs with the other boys] Jimmy: Fantastic girls' volleyball joke, Stan. Coach: The girls wanted to say something, so we're now going to hear a few words from the captain of the girls' volleyball team. Wendy: [gets up and goes to the front of the class. Stan is immediately stunned] Hey guys, these games coming up are really big and it would mean a lot to us if you could try and make it. Thanks. [goes back to her seat] Cartman: [aside, to Stan] Dude, Wendy plays volleyball. Did you know that? I don't think you knew that. Scene Description: The girl's birthday party. SPPD show up. The father explains to Det. Harris what happened. Other office inspect the backyard for evidence Man: And then he uh, took his penis from behind our daughter's ear and uh, we uh, uh that's when we saw him with uh, the n-the three rings. and uh, his penis, he was pulling it through 'em somehow, uh. Det. Harris: Uh huh. And what about the cock Magic? Where was that? [the man and wife look at each other] Man: Well that's what I'm telling you. It was right here exce-except for the thing where he poured the milk into his penis; he did that over there. Det. Harris: Alright alright, let's focus. What kind of decks were they using? Woman: Decks?? Man: Who? There weren't any "decks." Det. Harris: Oh, I get it now. Do you know what the penalty is for calling in a false cock Magic report? Woman: [in tears] I'm so confused, babe. Det. Harris: Who paid you to call us and take our focus away from the investigation?! What color were they?! Man: Nobody paid us anything! Now, there has been a crime here and you'd better do something about it! Det. Harris: Agreed! Who first called 911? [moments later the woman is being taken to a squad car as the man and their daughter look on] Woman: Please! Don't take me away from my child! Girl: [crying] Mommy! Scene Description: South Park, Saturday night. Kyle, Cartman and Kenny reach the site of the next cock Magic fight. Stan is not present Kyle: This is it. 1421 Plaza de Estereotipo. Cartman: Wow. Here we are, McNuggets. You're reached the big time. [they stand before Panda Express. Again, Kyle knocks on the doors and tugs at them.] Manager: [opens the door] Sorry, Panda Express is crosed. We crosed! Cartman: Yeah yeah yeah yeah, we're here for the cock Magic. Manager: Oh okay, come on, ten dorrah, ten dorrah. Cartman: Ten dorrah?! [the boys hand over $10 each] Scene Description: Panda Express basement, moments later Announcer 2: For the next round, it is Gadnuk, Breaker of Worlds, versus Clucky. Cartman: Who is that?? Spectator 1: That's Gadnuk, Breaker of Worlds. [Gadnuk is wearing a gold medallion] He's never lost a fight. Hell, he's never even lost one health! Scene Description: South Park Elementary gym, night. The girls are playing a visiting group, and Stan is there to watch the game. Wendy, #4 serves. #36 on the other side hits it up, with #11 hitting it back over the net. #1 on Wendy's side hits it up, then #36 hits it, then #8 hits it over the net Stan: [following the cock Magic fight over the phone] What do you mean? Is he a red mage or a green mage? Cartman: Dude, he's like a beast! He's got more legendary creature cards than I've ever seen! Kyle: McNuggets is scared. He doesn't wanna play. Cartman: McNuggets is scared, dude! Stan: Can you stack his deck with more mana?! Can you stack McNuggets' deck with more mana?! Scene Description: Wendy serves, and #58 on the other side hits it up, then #8 hits it, then #22 hits it back over the net Spectator 2: [returns to the crowd with a dead bird] He didn't stand a chance. Not one spell cast before he was obliterated by health drains! That thing isn't human! [walks away with his rooster. Gadnuk throws down a card. The promoter walks up] Promoter: Alright, your rooster's up next, boys. Kyle: Aw I don't think he wants to play, dude. Promoter: He doesn't have a choice. Cartman: This isn't even a fight. This is just... a slaughter. Promoter: What do you think all these people are here to see? Cartman: Holy shit dude! Dude, we forfeit! We forfeit! Promoter: The hell you do! Get your cock in there! [Kenny sighs and goes in instead] Scene Description: ESPN Illegal is shown on a monitor ESPN announcer: You're watching ESPN Illegal, your source for bullfighting, dogfighting, and cock Magic. ESPN host: And a warm welcome back to the Cock Magic Championships. Certainly an electric atmosphere here in the basement of Panda Express. The fight we were expecting, of course, Gadnuk, Breaker of Worlds versus ten-month-old Cornish rooster McNuggets. In a complete shocker, the challenger McNuggets has been scratched and substituting for him is nine-year-old Kenny McCormick. Never a dull moment in the illegal sport of cock Magic. Let's rejoin the battle now as we wait for Gadnuk's sixth move. [Gadnuk ponders what to do while Kenny slowly taps his fingers on the table, waiting] Gadnuk, Breaker of Worlds plays a creature card. [his assistant places it on the table] Cartman: Jesus, Paragon of Fierce Defiance. Now every red creature Gadnuk plays will have a +1 attack. Crowd: Whooaa. Kyle: Come on, Kenny! [Kenny take a card from a deck and looks through his other cards] Scene Description: South Park Elementary gym, the game there continues. #11 hits it over the net to Wendy's side. #1 hits it... Stan is still following the cock Magic fights Stan: What did he play? Did he tap all his mana? Cartman: Dude, he just cast Psychogenic Probe. Now every time the other rooster has to shuffle his deck, he loses two health. Kyle: He just had to shuffle it. Cartman: Did you hear that? He's shuffling his deck already. The only thing he's got on the battle ground now is an Overseer. Stan: Does an Overseer have trample? DOES AN OVERSEER HAVE TRAMPLE?! [meanwhile, the ball goes to #36, who hits it back over the net] ESPN host: A second Elvish Mystic now, and Gadnuk attacks with Merciful Pretender. McCormick sends Charging Rhino to the graveyard. He's desperate now. Not too much he can-OH, and he's just laid down Life's Legacy! Crowd: Ooooohh... ESPN host: That was not expected! Gadnuk doesn't know what hit him! McCormick follows with Crackling Doom and Abzan Battle Priest! Kyle: Holy shit, dude! ESPN host: Gadnuk tries to block with Living Totem but OH, there is Terra Stomper! This is absolute savagery! Frenzied Goblin has been sent to the graveyard and now there is no one to block Pearl Lake Ancient! My God, someone has to put a stop to this! Det. Harris: Freeze! [comes down to the basement with reinforcements. The cops draw their guns and check everyone out there. One cop pulls a gun from a spectator's jacket and throws it to the ground] Well, well! Looks like I finally caught the big boys! You're all going to jail for a long time! [looks at Kenny] Especially you, scumbag! Promoter: Lousy cops! How did you find us? Det. Harris: We saw your fliers. [holds one up] "Panda Express. Cock Magic at 9 pm." Promoter: We didn't put those fliers out! Announcer: [spotlights come on and move out over the crowd] And now, for your halftime entertainment, please welcome... the incomparable, the beautiful, the Amazingly Randy! [A stage is lit up and Randy bounds out] Cartman: Ah, dude, your dad's here. Randy: [lounge voice] Thank you, hey! You know, we live in a world of brutality and violence. And some people think there's no room for wonder anymore. But just for a moment I want you to think one thing. [dances over to a stool nearby with a box sitting on it] Whatever you believe is real, is real. [pulls out a hankey, then goes back to center stage and shows there's nothing odd about it. He unzips his zipper and puts the hankey on his penis. He gets a rubber band and ties the hankey around the penis. Next he moves his hand around and his penis rises in response, as if his hands had some magnetic power to them. Suddenly, the penis takes flight and goes around several times. He holds up a large ring and the penis flies through it flawlessly. He turns around and the song "Barbie Girl" plays. He drops his pants, dances a bit, then turns around with a small curtain over his legs. The penis peaks out to the right, up, left, and then the head of René Dif appears popping out to the right] René Dif: Come on Barbie, let's go party. [Randy pushes it gently behind the curtain again, then he squats just long enough to get his pants back up and remove the curtain. Then he hops around. He hops back to the stool and gets some body lotion to lubricate his penis with. Then he pretends to stroke his penis and a bouquet of flowers pops up. He tosses the bouquet into the crowd and a woman catches it] Spectator 3: Ewww! [throws the bouquet away] Randy: Alright, for this last bit I'm gonna need a volunteer. Anybody? Det. Harris: I'll volunteer. Randy: Alright, come on up here. [Harris goes up] What's your name? Det. Harris: I'm Detective Harris, South Park Police. Randy: All right, a hand for Detective Harris! [applause. This provides a distraction by which some spectators leave silently] You know, if there's one thing I could leave you all with, it's this. Let cock magic be done by the professionals. [grabs a tank of liquid nitrogen] Sir? [gives it to Harris, who holds it. Drumroll. Randy takes a funnel and puts one end on his penis, then motions for Harris to pour the nitrogen into the funnel. A few seconds later, the funnel comes off to reveal a frozen penis. Randy takes a gun out and shoots it to bits. Harris is stunned. Randy walks over to him and smiles. All of a sudden, the penis comes out of Harris' mouth. Randy take it and puts it into his pants. Harris smiles. Only four cops remain and they clap. The crowd and the other cops have left.] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Cartman: It was so hardcore you guys. Kenny laid waste to Gadnuk, Breaker of Worlds. It got so out of hands that the fucking cops had to come and break it up. Butters: Wow, the cops came? Kyle: Yeah, It was seriously the most manly thing that's ever happened. Cartman: Kenny cast Glacial Crasher, and then Stan's dad shot his dick off. I just, I seriously don't know where we go from here. You all right, Kenny? Kenny: (Yeah, I guess. I just wonder about McNuggets.) Kyle: Hey yeah, what about poor McNuggets? What's he gonna do now? Stan: Wait a minute. I've got it, you guys. Kyle: Got what? Stan: A way to finally do something good for other people. Scene Description: South Park Elementary gym, night. The girls volleyball team faces off against McNuggets. Wendy is about to serve when she looks at Stan, who gives her a thumbs up. Wendy shoots him a glare of disapproval over the whole idea. Announcer: South Park serves, and McNuggets plays a Plains Land card. One-nil, South Park. [a smattering of applause. Wendy serves again] Another serve, and McNuggets summons Downtreader Elk. One South Park player is eliminated. You, the girl with the ponytails - you are dead.

Scene Description: Kyle's house, day. Kyle runs home excitedly with something in his hand. He opens the front door and goes in. Gerald spots him Gerald: There you are, Kyle. I was gonna see if you and your brother wanted to go down to the bowling alley. Kyle: Nono Dad, please. I just got Call Of Duty: Advanced Warfare. Me and Ike are going to play it together. Gerald: It's your day off. You boys really wanna spend it inside in front of the TV? Kyle: Please Dad, I've been looking forward to this all week. Aaand it's me and Ike's bonding time. Really. This is good for our relationship. Gerald: All right. [Kyle smiles, Gerald heads back to the kitchen] I swear I'll never understand you kids these days. Kyle: Yes! [runs upstairs smiling.] Scene Description: Ike's room. Ike is at his computer eating Cheetos. Kyle knocks, then goes into the room Kyle: Heeey Ike! Look what I got. [Ike looks over his shoulder] The new Call Of Duty! Do you wanna go downstairs and play? PewDiePie: [on the monitor] Aww, look at all the bright colors. Ike: ...Meh. [goes back to watching the monitor and eating his Cheetos] Kyle: Meh? Ike, we have a whole day to play XBox! Mom and Dad are leaving! Ike: Maybe later, 'kay? Kyle: [walks up to Ike] Well what are you watching? PewDiePie: How's it goin' bros? My name's PewDiePie. I'm playing Call Of Duty: Advanced Warfare. Here we go. [breaks through a door and is met with gunfire] Agh! People are shooting at me, bros! Kyle: You're watching someone play Call Of Duty and talk about it? Ike: [claps] PewDiePie! PewDiePie: There's lots of bullet! And I've gotta run! RUN FOR THE BUNKER! RUUUUN! Kyle: Ike, we could go play the game downstairs. Isn't that better than watching some guy on YouTube playing it? PewDiePie: Alright, I hope that's enough. Ike: Meh. PewDiePie: Uh, like I said, um... Look at this. Look at this. Ooohhh, gigrrig! [fires away at will] Scene Description: South Park Elementary Cafeteria, lunchtime Kyle: Dude, I'm telling you. It's crazy. All my little brother wants to do is sit on YouTube watching this PewDiePie play video games. I swear, I don't understand kids these days. Butters: What's a PewDiePie do? Kyle: Google him. He's this guy from Sweden who has over 30 million YouTube subscribers. We didn't even know, but he's a bigger celebrity to kids than anyone. It just seems so lame. Cartman: He plays video games and makes millions of dollars, and it's lame how? Kyle: Because- because that's not even entertainment! I mean, it's just, just, rehashing shit, isn't it?? It's like everything these kids are into these days, you know, it's just... rehashed shit! Scene Description: Commercial for an upcoming concert Announcer: This Saturday, at the Pepsi Center, it's Women of Rock! Miley Cyrus, Iggy Azalea, Nicki Minaj, and Lorde! [Randy] All on one stage, on one night! With a special appearance by Michael Jackson's Hologram! MJ Hologram: Hee hee! Announcer: Ticket proceeds help fight the gluten crisis in West Africa! It's a night of pure, pure estrogen! Tickets on sale now! [TeleChargeIt and TicketMastering info go up] Scene Description: Randy's garage, night. Randy runs inside to call someone in private Randy: Yeah, it's me. I told you I can't play the concert! Record producer: Come on, this is a great lineup. Randy: Look, I do a lot of post-production enhancements to make my music sound the way it does, okay? I feel like if I play live I'm... really gonna disappoint people. I'm sorry, but the answer is no. Record producer: I don't think you're really in a position to turn down this kind of gig. Randy: What is that supposed to mean? Record producer: I understand your son gave all your savings to Canada. Randy: Yes, Freemium gaming. Record producer: I'm sorry. Freemium gaming destroys lives. I lost my father to Candy Crush. [Randy sighs] You need this, Lorde. And the girls out there need you. You've got till tomorrow to think it over. [hangs up. Randy ends the call] Randy: I love Candy Crush. Scene Description: The bus stop, day. The boys are there waiting for the bus Kyle: All I wanted was to play one level of Call of Duty and you know what Ike told me? He said the living room was for old people. Stan: I don't get it. The whole fun of Call of Duty is that you get to do the shooting. Kyle: I know! But that doesn't matter any more! These kids don't wanna play the game, they just wanna watch people on YouTube play it. And you know why? Commentary. Kenny: (Commentary?) Kyle: Yeah. You used to sit in the living room with family and friends to hear their commentary on things. Now you can get it with a little guy in a window on the screen. Someone who just comments on stuff. I mean, really? Who would even WANT to do that?! [Cartman eyes his phone with Stan and Kenny look at Kyle] Scene Description: Cartman's room, later. He's set up a YouTube channel and is now broadcasting on it Cartman: Hey bros, what's going on? This is CartmaaanBrah! Be sure to subscribe to my channel if you haven't already, 'cause subscribing makes you feel good! Uhh, so today I'm gonna comment on Call Of Duty. More specifically, I'm going to comment on my friends commenting on Call Of Duty, so let's start. [a recording of the earlier conversation plays] Kyle: All I wanted was to play one level of Call of Duty and you know what Ike told me? He said the living room was for old people. Cartman: That's Kyle the Jew again, talking about Call Of Duty to Stan. Stan: I don't get it. The whole fun of Call of Duty is that you get to do the shooting. Cartman: [reaches for some chips and eat them, chuckles, then] Stan is such a douchebag. He just agrees with Kyle no matter what. Kyle: I know! But that doesn't matter any more! These kids don't wanna play the game, they just wanna watch people on YouTube play it. Kenny: (Commentary?) Cartman: There's Kenny commenting on Call of Duty. Kenny! Kenny! SPEAK UP!! SPEAK THROUGH THE HOOD KENNY! Kyle: Yeah. You used to sit in the living room with family and friends to hear their commentary on things. Now you can get it with a l- Scene Description: The Marsh house, kitchen. Sharon is washing, Randy is drying, Shelly walks in excitedly Shelly: Mom, Dad, Kelly and Stacy are going to the Women of Rock concert! Can I go with them?! [anxiously waits for an answer] Sharon: I don't know, Shelly. Shelly: But Mom, Lorde is playing! You can't not let me go or I'll hate you forever! [Randy and Sharon turn around] Randy: Shelly, there's a good chance Lorde isn't goin' to show up. Shelly: She will too! She has to show up, and if I don't get to see her I'm gonna kill myself! Randy: And what if you go and Lorde doesn't sound that great in person? Shelly: That doesn't matter, Dad! We love Lorde because she's real! Gosh, you guys don't understand anything! Randy: You know, I think Lorde is going to play tomorrow. Shelly: So can I go or not?! Randy: If she means that much to you. Shelly: Okay, yay, thanks, love you guys. [smiles and walks away] Sharon: Sooo you're doing it? [smiles] Randy: How can I let her down? Do you mind finishing up here? I think I should practice a little. Sharon: Of course not. [Randy walks away and out of earshot] Anything to keep you away from cock magic. Scene Description: Ike's room, later. Ike is still at his computer eating Cheetos Cartman: Uhh, so today I'm gonna comment on Call Of Duty. Kyle: [goes into the room] Hey Ike, you wanna come watch TV with me? Cartman: More specifically, I'm going to comment on my friends commenting on Call Of Duty, so let's start. Kyle: Oh no! No, Ike! You are not watching him comment on things! Kyle: All I wanted was to play one level of Call of Duty and you know what Ike told me? He said the living room was for old people. Cartman: That's Kyle the Jew again, talking about Call Of Duty to Stan. Kyle: [approaches the monitor] What the fuck?! Stan: I don't get it. The whole fun of Call of Duty is that you get to do the shooting. Cartman: [reaches for some chips and eat them, chuckles, then] Stan is such a douchebag. He just agrees with Kyle no matter what. Kyle: Ike, that is enough! If you're interested in Call of Duty, go play it downstairs in the living room! Cartman: God these guys are so annoying, aren't they? CartmaaanBrah! Kyle: But that's all that matter now! It's just all ... and the new celebrity? Ike: CartmaaanBrah! Scene Description: The neighborhood park, basketball court, day. Cartman, Stan, and Kenny are playing a game. Cartman has the ball. Kyle runs up, angry Kyle: What do you think you're doing?! Cartman: Shooting for a D in a game of Horsedick. Kyle: You know what I mean! Why is my little brother watching you talking about us talking about him?! Cartman: I have a YouTube blog where I comment on video games. Big whoop. Kyle: I don't need Ike listening to you comment on anything! Stan: What are you talking about? Kyle: This fat fuck thinks he's PewDiePie! Because of him I can't get Ike to come out of his room! Cartman: Because of me?! I'm pretty sure I'm not the person who invented "Let's Plays", Kyle. Kyle: "Let's Plays"? Cartman: That's what they're called, dude. Get with the times. [turns to the basket and takes his shot. Kyle looks away and down] Scene Description: The Women of Rock concert at the Pepsi Center, night. Miley Cyrus is performing Miley Cyrus: There's a party going on and it's all right here, yehhhehehah! Throw my hands in the air while I'm twerkin' this chair There's a party going on and it's all right here, yehhhehehah! And I'm movin' my hands while I'm shakin' my tits. Stagehand: Alright guys, uh, Miley's about to finish up her set. So next we'll need you, Nicki Minaj, then Iggy Azalea who'll be performing with a hologram of Michael Jackson, and then finally you, Lorde. [walks out of the dressing room backwards] Have a great show, ladies. Randy: Hey uh, listen, I, I thought I could do this, but it's not gonna work. Record producer: You're nervous, it's understandable. Randy: No I'm eh... I know for a fact that I don't sound the same live. Record producer: You think those people out there care what you sound like? You're just another female pop star. Just go out there, pump your hips and rub your clit. Randy: Hey! That's not what my music is about! I'm not reducing myself to that! Iggy: Oh fuck you, Lorde! You think you're so much better than everyone! Randy: No, I don't, Iggy. I just think that our younger girl fans need something a little more positive as role models. Iggy: That's easy for you to say because YOU don't have a nice body! Is that why you're so high and mighty, Lorde?! Because you're jealous of this booty?! Randy: Iggs, I really don't care to go through this again with you. Iggy: 'Cause let's face it! You got legs that look like a horse! Randy: Fuck you! [they start fighting and break through a table full of finger food and drinks] Record producer: Alright that's enough! [breaks up the scuffle and separates the two artists] Look at yourselves! Iggy: You're an internet bullshit artist, Lorde! Scene Description: Kyle's house, night. The doorbell rings and Kyle answers it. Stan comes in Stan: Hey, what's up? Kyle: You're not gonna believe this. Stan: Oh no, what now? Kyle: I wanted to get Ike out of his room, so I invited all his friends over for a slumber party to play Dragon Age: Inquisition. Stan: Yeah? Kyle: Come on! [leads Stan upstairs] Scene Description: Ike's room. There are five other kids beside Ike in his room, and each one is using a tablet or a laptop, so no one is talking. Ike is watching PewDiePie on his monitor PewDiePie: [giggling] He's just laying there. Kyle: See? Look at this. Ike has all his friends over and they're just sitting around on their own computers barely talking to each other. Ike is watching PewDiePie play Dragon Age. PewDiePie: I'm going "Dun dun dadadun dun dadadun." Kids: [in unison] PewDiePie! Kyle: And this kid is watching Cartman commenting on people commenting on Dragon Age. Butters: Well it's a really great game. The characters are so rich. Cartman: Butters is such a butthole, oh my God! CartmaaanBrah! Kids: CartmanBrah! Stan: Dude, video games are meant to be played in a living room, not something to watch people comment on! Conner: Okay Grandpa, we'll be sure to keep that in mind. [the kids laugh] Stan: Grandpa? Kyle: This is how they talk to us! [to Conner] You'd better watch your mouth, kid! Kid 1: Yeah Conner, we're supposed to respect our elders, remember? Kid 2: It's best to just make old people think they matter. Stan: Oh, is that right?! Do you even know how to multiply?! Kid 2: No sir. Thank goodness we have you to do that. [Ike laughs at PewDiePie's gameplay] Stan: We're not being grandpas! Your guys's stuff is just seriously lame! Our generation's stuff is cool! PewDiePie: Oh my God I killed him! Scene Description: Back at the Pepsi Center, Iggy Azalea is performing. Iggy: Missy who who? That's all I do is rip off Missy. Missy who? Missy who? Missy who? Missy who, who? Missy who, who? Alright bitches and hos, via hologram and shit, Michael Jackson! [two men from the Syntech Hologram Company get ready] Tech 1: And, cue the hologram! [a bunch of special lights come on and produce the hologram, and the hologram performs Michael's signature moves. The crowd goes wild as Michael's music plays. The hologram moonwalks like Michael did] MJ Hologram: Hee hee. [as the crowd roars, Iggy starts twerking to the hologram] Randy: They shouldn't rehash dead people. It's so wrong. Nicki: Oh Lorde, you're such a purist. Randy: Can't help it, Nick. Can't help feeling like... we're losing something. Scene Description: Wendy: The Wendy Williams Show, now on air. Wendy comes out in a blue dress and black jacket Wendy: Hi everybody. I love you! Audience: Thanks for loving me. I love you too. Wendy: So I guess there's this new trend with young people where the celebrities they look up to most are YouTube commentators. Just ordinary people who sit in front of a mic and blab their opinions about everything while their mindless loyal followers cheer them on. Isn't that crazy?? [the audience cheers in agreement] Well let's meet one of these stars of the internet. Please welcome CartmanBrah! [Instead of Cartman himself appearing on the couch, Cartman's commenter window pops up - he's doing this via satellite] Cartman: CartmaaanBrah! Wendy: So can you explain to our audience members over the age of five what it is that you DO? Cartman: Well, Wendy, I started by talking about people talking about video games, but now I'm branching out into talking about people talking about music and the arts as well. Wendy: And why do you think young people-? Cartman: CartmaaanBrah! Wendy: ...Why do you think young people are responding to this? [Cartman mocks the question by asking it back in nonsense syllables] I'm asking you a question! [Cartman continues with the nonsense replies] Cartman: CartmaaanBrah! CartmanBrah! Be sure to subscribe to my channel, brahs. Scene Description: Back at the Pepsi Center, the MC is about to introduce Lorde. The crowd cheers loudly MC: And now, give it up for the girl from New Zealand, LORDE! Randy: Thank you! Thanks a lot! This is for all the royals out there! [begins playing an acoustic guitar. Shelly is in the audience with Kelly and Stacy] Lorde Looorde. I'm Lorde, ya ya ya-a-a. Sittin' on the toilet thinkin' 'bout how I'm not as rich as other people, ya ya ya. [the cheering dies down] Yaa ya ya ya, I'll never be, I'll never by royalty. Ya ya ya. But that'd be nice 'cause that'd be a nice fantaasy. [the mood of the audience begins to change] Women's bathrooms smell so nice, ya ya ya. Ya ya ya. [the audience begins to boo] And we'll never be- Lorde Lorde Lor- Lorde flushing- Lordy Lordy Lorde. Lor-uh, okay, uh. [turns right and the mic falls to the ground] Oh God. Sorry. [bends over to pick up the mic...] Uh hold on.[...but drops the guitar instead. The boos intensify] Hang on, uh. [to bail Lorde out of this mess, the technicians bring Michael's hologram back to the stage] MJ Hologram: Hee hee. [the hologram runs through the audience] I'm free! I'm free! Randy: [dusts himself off] Sorry folks, just one second here. Scene Description: The Pepsi Center entrance. Michael's hologram runs through the metal detector and begins to dance. Security guards are hot on his tail MJ Hologram: Hee hee. Dah dadit dat ja! Guard 1: Stop him. [another guard tries to grab the hologram, but realizes it can't be done. The hologram leaves the Center. The guards run out after it, and a guard guard gets on his walkie-talkie] Guard 1: Michael Jackson's hologram is on the loose! MJ Hologram: [leaving the parking area] Hee hee! Scene Description: The Pepsi Center stage. Lorde is still on stage getting booed. Randy: Ah ya ya. Okay, uh. Ah ya ya ya ya-a-a-a. [the boos don't stop, and Randy's vision becomes prismatic] Okay, uh, uh... [steps aside and begins to simulate rubbing his "clit"] Oooo![hops onto the car on stage and continues the simulation] Oh yeah! Oh my clit! Oh yeah! Oooo yeah, flick that bean, yeah! [the boos are replaced by disgust. Shelly and friends are disappointed] Fan: Ogh! Lorde, ewww! Randy: Oh, I'm so horny, yeah! Ooo, fuck, my clit's so big! Oooo! [fans begin to walk out of the concert] Scene Description: The Marsh house, dining room. Sharon, Randy, and Stan are having dinner Randy: Could you um, pass the potatoes, Stan? [Stan reaches to his left and passes the potatoes to Randy] Great, thanks. [serves himself some potatoes] Well, nobody's talking. Does anyone have anything to talk about? Stan: Why'd you have to rub your clit on stage, Dad? Randy: I was told to! Sharon: You were told to walk out in front of a hundred thousand people including little girls who look up to you, and start rubbing your clit. Randy: Okay, hold on! A, I don't have a clit, so technically, I wasn't rubbing anything! And B, I didn't want to even perform tonight, but Stanley gave all our money to Canada through a freemium game, so if anyone rubbed their clit, it was him! [Stan hisses and leaves the table. Sharon just leaves. Some time later, Randy drops in on Shelly in her room and sees her crying on her bed, face down. He then notices that the Lorde poster on the wall is in tatters and ripped in half. Randy leaves and closes the door softly] Scene Description: Kyle's house, day. Kyle walks around a darkened living room, rubbing his left hand along the coffee table, then along the TV, and he finds them dusty Kyle: It's dying. The living room is... dying. Scene Description: Randy's garage, night. Randy enters to talk to the record producer on the phone in private Randy: Yeah, it's me. I need to fix this. How can I undo the clit-rubbing? Record producer: What are you talking about? It's great! You're the most commented-on artist in the world right now! You're blowing up twitter and you're trending on CartmanBrah. #clitnubbin Randy: Look, this isn't what I want! My music is supposed to be- Record producer: It's not about the music, Lorde! It never was. It's about comments! And sister, you've got 'em! Randy: This ends now. I'm gonna tell people the truth. Scene Description: The Rockies, day. A South Park City Transit bus is going to town, and Michael's hologram is in it. Everyone is on their iPhones or iPads Passenger: Will you look at that? Everyone on their cell phones, nobody sayin' a word to each other. Call me a grandpa, but I still like commenting face to face with folks. You know what I mean, buddy? MJ Hologram: Yes. Passenger: You're headin' up to the mountains too, huh? Gonna do some skiin'? MJ Hologram: No, I just need to... take care of some im-, important business. Passenger: Oh, what kind of business? Oh are you a fisherman? MJ Hologram: Yes. I mean, yes, that's all. I'm, I'm just gonna fish and hunt. Passenger: Oh, you're a hunter? What do you prey upon? MJ Hologram: [stands up] Nobody! That's ignorant! Passenger: Well, you must have a favorite kind of prey? MJ Hologram: Allegedly! Allegedly! That's ignorant! Passenger: You know, excuse me for saying so, but you seem kind of... transparent. MJ Hologram: ...That's ignorant. I'm just cold. Passenger: I'm saying it must make it easier to sneak up on your prey. MJ Hologram: Allegedly! I'm weary of this conversation! Can we please stop talking, please?! Ignorant! Passenger: [looks him over] Well, whatever it is you're after, I hope you get it. MJ Hologram: Oh I will. Trust me, I will. [The bus enters South Park.] Scene Description: The Syntech Hologram Company, day. The record producer is with the tech working on the hologram problem Tech 2: Ah, we've lost any ability to track the hologram's location. Ih...it looks like it reprogrammed its guidance systems. Record producer: We paid a lot of money for that hologram. You'd better find a way to get it back! Tech 3: Project Alpha? Tech 4: Yes. That might be our only option. Record producer: What is Project Alpha? Tech 4: The first hologram we ever created to appear on stage. It was a prototype. But perhaps the best thing to stop a hologram- Tech 3: Is another hologram. Bring up Project Alpha! Tech 2: Sir, are you sure that we wanna-? Tech 3: Bring it up! [Tech 2 gets to work. Everyone turns around and watches as the hologram is assembled] Record producer: What is that? Tech 3: Tupac. Tech 4: [approaches the hologram] Tupac? [the hologram is activated] Yo. The hologram of Michael Jackson is on the loose. We need you to "take care of the situation." [the hologram takes out a Glock hologram and cocks it, then he walks forward, then turns left and walks out] Tech 3: Godspeed, Tupac. Scene Description: The Syntech Hologram Company, outside. Tupac crosses the street and a car almost runs him down. The couple inside is in shock Man: Oh my gosh, honey look it's Tupac! I told you them homies didn't cap his ass! [Tupac opens the driver's door, pulls the driver out and throws him to the ground, then gets into the driver's seat and takes off with the car and driver's wife. The driver gets up and pulls out his phone] Oh, this is going on Instagram! [takes the picture] Scene Description: The bus stop, day. Cartman's commenter window is there in his place Cartman: Hey hey, how's it going, bros? This is CartmanBrah. CartmaaanBrah. And uhh, we are, it looks like we are at the bus stop now. [the other three boys walk into view] Yep, there's Kyle, Stan and Kenny looking stupid as ever. Kyle: I don't know what the hell to do. The whole world's gone crazy. Stan: Tell me about it. Cartman: Uh oh, it looks like Kyle is taking issue with something again. Kyle's got a pro-blem. CartmanBrah! Kyle: You know, you used to sit in the living room with your friends and family, and THEY were the ones commenting on whatever was on TV. Cartman: [exasperated] Oh God. Kyle: [notices the commenter window above the bus stop sign] Do you mind?! Cartman: Oh, looks like Kyle is commenting on my commenter window, bras! Be sure to comment on that. #kyleisgettingfrustrated Kyle: Dude! Nobody wants to hear you commenting on things! Cartman: Oh really. Ten thousand subscribers and counting, brah! Scene Description: Buca de Faggoncini, day. Randy goes inside. The record producer is waiting for him at a table. Randy approaches, but doesn't sit down. Randy: Thanks for seeing me. I've got my speech written. I'm ready to let the world know the truth. [the producer puts down his fork and wipes his lips off with a napkin.] Record producer: Sit down, Lorde. Randy: I'm not interested in being talked out of ending this. It's the right thing to do. Record producer: [stands up and walks to a nearby bar] Do you know what an artist is now, Lorde? An artist is a conversation piece, nothing more. [pours himself a drink] Like a vase, or a kitschy side table. Just something for people to comment on. [turns around] The old ways are dying. We're not making money off records, we're making money off tweets. And you've taken it to a whole new level. Randy: Well that's not a world Lorde ever wanted to be a part of. Record producer: On the contrary. Lorde is going on the Jimmy Fallon show tonight and exposing her asshole for everyone to freak out about. Randy: I'll do no such thing! Record producer: Who said anything about you? [whips out a small remote control and presses a button on it. Some lasers turn on and assemble a new hologram. It's Lorde's hologram. It walks up to the producer and stands beside him. Randy is frightened and takes several steps back. Two bodyguards appear behind him, and he notices. The producer closes the blinds] Randy: You can't just replace artists with holograms. Who will make the content? Record producer: Today, commentary IS the content. And you, I'm afraid, are just in the way. [the bodyguards quickly escort him out] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Mr. Garrison wipes off the previous night's work from the blackboard. Mr. Garrison: Okay children, let's take our seats. Before we get started, Kyle has asked to say a few words. Go ahead, Kyle. Kyle: [walks up to the front of the class and turns around. He reads from a sheet of paper] What is happening to our living rooms? There is a crisis in America, and- Cartman: [his commenter window pops up] Looks like we're in the school now. Check out Wendy, she's flat as a pancake. Mr. Garrison: What the hell is that? Kyle: It's Cartman's stupid online persona! Cartman: Oh my dick's gettin hard again! It's protrudin' out my paaaaants! Mr. Garrison: What the hell? Cartman: This is the way of the future, Mr. Garrison. Butters: It's true! Cartman: Heh that's right, Butters will back me up on anything. He's such a bitch. Butters: Heheyehah. Kyle: There is a crisis in America! As families grow further and further apart- Cartman: [mocking] There is a crisis in America. and we have to save our living rooms. Our living rooms are dying. Kyle: Mr. Garrison, will you make him stop! Mr. Garrison: I don't- I don't even understand what's happening. Kyle: THIS is the reason why our living rooms are dying! Cartman: [mocking] This is the reason why our living rooms are dying, so we've got to do something. Mr. Mackey: Eric Cartman's commenter window to the principal's office, please? Eric Cartman's commenter window to the principal's office! Cartman: What the hell did I do? Scene Description: Principal Victoria's office, later. Principal Victoria: Eric, I've had a lot of complaints that your online persona is becoming a distraction. Cartman: Well this sucks. Looks like I'm in the principal's office for just commenting on things. Principal Victoria: Eric, I am talking to YOU! Cartman: Adults so don't get what's cool anymore. Scene Description: The Marsh house. Randy rushes in through the front door Randy: Sharon? Sharon! Sharon: [comes down the stairs in her bath robe] Randy? What's going on? Randy: They made a hologram of me, Sharon! They don't care about the music! They're REPLACING us! Sharon: Oh my God! You mean, I just slept with a hologram? Randy: The hologram's in our bedroom? Sharon: Yes! Tupac's Hologram: I've gotta be leavin' now, Sharon. I would leave you my number but I'm just a hologram 'n shit. Randy: You slept with Tupac?! SHARON! Scene Description: The record producer's limousine, back seat. Cartman's commenter window is there with the record producer Record producer: It's a brave new world, starting much sooner than we thought. What we need is someone who truly gets the changing of the guard. We have an army of holograms poised to start the next chapter in American culture. How would you like to be in charge of it all? Cartman: [in his commenter window] Ohohoh, totally, brah! So sweet. Being in charge of stuff rules! CartmaaanBrah! Record producer: Glad you feel that way. We have a lot to do together. We're about to take this to a whole new level. Cartman: Ooohh, I love whole new levels! This is gonna be so totally awesome! CartmaaanBrah!

Scene Description: Kyle's house, a snowy day. He's preparing for Hanukkah, setting up the menorah with nine candles. He's lit the second candle, for the second day of Hanukkah, then takes a selfie of himself and the menorah Kyle: It's the holiday season, but the good times... are ending. Because what matters most isn't what's good, it's what's trending. [leaves the menorah and stops by Ike's room, and looks in] This younger generation, with their eyes and ears glued: What's trending to them is trenders who trend on YouTube. [Ike is watching "Dragon Age: Inquisition" on his computer while eating Flamin' Hot Cheetos] Cartman: [his commenter window pops up on screen] Ahem, how's it going brahs? This is CartmaaanBrah! Kyle: Comments on commentators, it's all changing so fast. Playing XBox with your brother is... just a thing of the past. [Kyle looks at the floor, turns back and walks away. he stops by the kitchen, then by his dad's study. Gerald takes a selfie with his pet project: a model of a ship] Now with Ma on her iPad, and Dad trending or trying, All the family is scattered, and the living room's dying. [he walks through the living room, then stops and looks around] Because it wasn't the outdoors or church or even trips to go ski, [he looks at the TV and walks up to it] What brought families together most was a good old TV [he walks through the park with his head down] Now we watch things by ourselves and just tweet what we saw. [he sees a little girl on a bench looking at her iPhone] And if you try to complain, you get called a- Girl: Grandpa! Kyle: I'm NOT a GRANDPA! Kyle: [Now at his own desk] But now let me tweet this for you all to comment upon. [The following is the tweet] The more connected we get, the more alone we become. If you want change like I do, and feel the same gloom, Then please follow THIS trend, #savethelivingroom [finishes the tweet but doesn't submit it yet. He's wearing a tee shirt with #savethelivingroom on it] Kyle: Whattaya think? Butters: Hmmm, it's kind of gay. Kyle: Really?? Butters: I mean, havin' it all rhyme 'n stuff, you know? Kyle: Hm, I wasn't really going for "gay," I was more going for "wholesome." Butters: Well, gay is wholesome. Kyle: But it's gotta be perfect. We're trending well, but we need to attract more followers who want good old family values. Sheila: [knocks, then enters] Kyle, Bill Cosby is here to see you. Kyle: Bill Cosby. Sheila: Yes. Kyle: Is here. To see me. Sheila: Yes. [turns around and leaves] Scene Description: The living room, moments later. Kyle and Butters come downstairs and see Bill Bill Cosby: Oh! There he is comin' down the stairs. Kyle: Hello. Bill Cosby: Hello, son. Your savethelivingroom hash tag is getting a lot of attention and we think it's great. Kyle: We? Bill Cosby: I'm just a small part of a big epic holiday special, which is gonna air this weekend. [notices how dusty the TV is and wipes some of the dust off with his right hand] It's a shame how families don't gather in their living rooms like they used to, and we think a big holiday special is just the thing America needs now. Kyle: Wow. [smiles] Well that's awesome! Bill Cosby: Well the producers of the show saw how much your idea was trending and thought we should get your hash-tag on board with ours. Kyle: M-Ah, I'd love to. Bill Cosby: Great! I'll go right now and tell them you're on board. We've gotta do this quickly! Kyle: Uh okay! No problem! [Bill lets himself out] Bill Cosby: This holiday special is gonna bring families together again, son! Kyle: Uh thanks, Mr. Cosby! Bill Cosby: Happy Holidays! [Kyle closes the door, and Bill's glitch appears as he walks away - this Bill is a hologram] Scene Description: Park County Police Station. Detective Harries is grilling Randy and Sharon on their story. Det. Harris: Mr. Marsh, forgive me if I say your story sounds a little farfetched. You're saying that these people who what you killed are entertainment producers? Randy: Yes, they made a copy of me and they don't want me around anymore. They're about to do something big, and they need famous artists to be controlled for it. Officer 1: [with mustache] Who's the famous artist? Randy: Me! Oh right, I forgot to tell you that part. I'm actually Lorde. Det. Harris: You're Lorde. Sharon: The nineteen year old pop star. It's true, that's him. Officer 1: You mean the girl who just showed her asshole on Jimmy Fallon? Randy: No! That was a copy of me! Officer 2: Right. The thing that I jacked off to was you! Huh! [bemused smile which quickly fades.] Randy: Look, I don't know what they're up to, but these people have something much darker planned! Officer 3: [runs into the station] Detective Harris! Sir! We've got a problem! Det. Harris: [turns around] What is it, Adams? Adams: [Officer 3] We've arrested a black man who was snooping around the old Jefferson estate! Det. Harris: Did you choke him? Adams: Yes! Det. Harris: Did you shoot him? Adams: YES! Det. Harris: So what's the problem? Adams: He... appears to be just a hologram, sir. MJ's Hologram: [brought in by another officer, somehow handcuffed] Naw, it's ignorant! You don't understand! We have to stop them! Heee hee! Det. Harris: Oh my God. Are you sure that hologram is black?? Scene Description: Stan's house, day. The doorbell rings and he answers it. It's Kyle. Kyle: [excitedly] Dude, what are you doing?! Stan: [texting] Trying to find my dad. He's supposed to take me to the board game store. Kyle: They picked up my hash tag, Stan! I'm trending! Stan: Who did? Kyle: These producers making a big holiday special! [goes to the TV and wipes it clean] They had me upload a video for a commercial they're about to air! They said my hash tag was awesome, and they wanted to promote it! Stan: That's a little strange, isn't it? Kyle: No, it's great! It's just what this country needs right now! Scene Description: The commercial begins Announcer: From the producers of Women Of Rock Live and The Rockefeller Tree Lighting Ceremony, it's the holiday television event of the season! With appearances by [the guest stars are shown as they're mentioned] Al Pacino [on a sled going down a hill] Iggy Azalea [wearing a black and white outfit, with her ass dressed up as a snowman] J.J. Watt [clutching a reindeer] Miley Cyrus [dressed as an elf, swinging from a huge Christmas ornament and sticking her tongue out] U2 [presenting gifts] Angelina Jolie [dressed as an elf and scratching her crotch] Bill Cosby and Taylor Swift [he offers her a drink, she declines it] A hologram of Elvis Presley [a National Enquire tabloid drops down to reveal him, then a bigfoot appears behind him] Kurt Cobain's hologram [pops up from a chimney and waves hello with his hat] The hologram of Robin Williams [wearing reindeer horns and festive clothes, pops his clown nose off] Tom Hanks, Lorde [he holds up a mistletoe as her hologram turns around] First Lady Michelle Obama [licks a huge candy cane] And Michael Jackson's hologram as Peter Pan. MJ's hologram: [flits through the air] I'm flying! Hee dah dada dat dih Announcer: And featuring live commentary the entire show by CartmanBrah. Cartman: CartmaaanBrah! Dude, check it out. Lady Gaga is singing Christmas songs. Isn't she a Jew? Announcer: There's something for every generation to bring families together. Kyle: Please, tune in and help get America's families back in the living room. Cartman: He's such a douchebag. Announcer: It's all live and it's all magical. It's the Washington Redskins Go Fuck Yourself Holiday Special. Cartman: Now we're talkin'! [the commenter window disappears and Stan and Kyle are stunned] Kyle: That son of a bitch! Stan: That self-promoting asshole! Kyle: Why would he do this?! Stan: Because my dad's an idiot! Kyle: Not your dad, Cartman! What's your dad got to do with this?! Stan: Nnnothing, nothing. Scene Description: The record producer's office, day. CartmanBrah is there with the other executives in the office Cartman: Ehey hey, how's it going bros? This is CartmaaanBrah! And it looks like we're in the producer's office in Los Angeles now. [eats some chips] Exec. 1: So far the holiday special is trending fine, but it appears that the Michael Jackson hologram is the most heavily tweeted. Record producer: And we still have no idea where the damned hologram is? Ron: Not yet, but Tupac is close to hunting him down. Cartman: Look at that guy. He's like 40, but he's got a Justin Bieber haircut. Record producer: We got one shot at this, people! This [pounds his fist on the table] has to be the holiday special to end all holiday specials! Ron: Sir, I get that you brought this YouTube commentator in because he's popular with the younger kids, but now he's trying to tell us what the show should be called?? Record producer: He's got his finger on the pulse of young America. Exec. 2: Sir, I'm pretty sure that [reads from his phone] "Washington Redskins Go Fuck Yourself Holiday Special" is not a good name. Cartman: No, it's not good, it's fuckin' awesome! Ron: [leans in] If I may be frank, sir, I think you're giving this kid a little too much power! Cartman: I can hear you, douchebag. Record producer: People, you know what we're trying to do here. [leaves his desk and paces the room] We're trying to finally create entertainment that reaches the younger generation, that unites the young with the old. That means being hip, being now. Cartman: These guys are such blumpkin catchers. Record producer: There, you see that? "Blumpkin catchers." Do any of you even know what that means? This kid is our way to connect with the youth of America, and I'm gonna give him all the power he needs. Cartman: G'dang g'dang! G'dang g'dang g'dank! Scene Description: Park County Police Station. Harris goes over skin color with the other cops and some color swatches. Randy, Sharon, and MJ's hologram are at the far end of the office space Officer 4: What about this, sir? Burnt sienna? Det. Harris: He's not a Native American, damnit! That's obvious! Officer 1: I'll, I'll put it in the report he's Mylar brown. Det. Harris: That isn't even close! We have to be able to prove that hologram is a light-skinned black guy! Randy: Mr. Jackson, it's me, Lorde. MJ's hologram: Who? Lorde? You're not Lorde, that's ignorant. Randy: Please. Do you know what's going on here? What are the producers trying to do? MJ's hologram: They're gonna make a big holiday special. They've got holograms and YouTube commentators and live tweeting and it's ignorant! It's gonna be the most ignorant holiday special ever! Randy: A holiday special. Oh my God. MJ's hologram: It's directed at children! We have to stop them! Officer 4: Huh how about we say he's mixed race? Det. Harris: As long as Adams only choked the black half, I think it's okay. Randy: [to Sharon] I should have known. Bastards always talked about a day when social media and entertainment would be fused as one! I didn't know they meant a Christmas special! [to MJ's hologram] Can you help me stop them?! MJ's hologram: Yes. We have to reach the children. It's our only hope. Randy: Then we'll do it together. I love children just as much as you do. MJ's hologram: [stands up] ALLEGEDLY! [the officers look at him] THAT WAS A CIVIL SUIT AND THERE WAS NO EVIDENCE! [sits down] It's ignorant. Scene Description: Kyle's house. He stops by the kitchen with Stan as Sheila reads her iPad Kyle: Mom?! Where is Ike?! Sheila: Oh Kyle! Your hash tag is really trending. I saw the commercial. Kyle: That's not what I was trending! They took my hash tag and they raped it! Where is Ike?! Sheila: He's upstairs playing with all his friends. Scene Description: Ike's room. Kyle and Stan rush inside PewDiePie: Oh my God, that's the ugliest... Kyle: Ike! You are no longer to watch that stupid little YouTube blogging asshole! Do you understand?! You damn kids following these YouTube commentators is bad enough, but i will not have them invading my living room! Kid 2: Old people are so funny. Conner: They really just don't get it. Kid 3: And they smell like soap. Stan: We're not old people! You guys are just into lame, vulgar crap, and it needs to be stopped! Kid 4: Careful Grandpa, you might crap your Depends! [the kids laugh, even Ike] Kyle: WE'RE NOT BEING GRANDPAS! Stan: Yeah, you damn kids! PewDiePie: ...that's the lamest... Scene Description: Park County Police Station, upstairs. The officers still haven't come to a conclusion about MJ's hologram Det. Harris: Okay, okay, so we're agreeing the hologram is black. So the question is, if he's black, then how come we couldn't choke him? Scene Description: Park County Police Station, front office. A police officer stands behind the front desk. The doors open and in walks Tupac's hologram Front Desk Officer: Can I help you? [the hologram looks at him and moves away] Eh-excuse me. Can I help you? [the hologram moves deeper into the building. A security camera shows him walking down a hallway. The front desk officer runs into the office] Sir? A black guy walked into the police station! Det. Harris: Heh, uh huh? [looks at the officer and grins] Front Desk Officer: Well a, a black guy walked into the police station. Det. Harris: [chuckling, anticipating a joke] Yeah? Wait. Mitchell, listen to this one. [Mitchell appears in the background] Start over: what's the setup? Front Desk Officer: There's this black guy, walked into the police station. Mitchell: Oh yeah, I think I've heard it, but go ahead. Front Desk Officer: No, really, a black guy walked into the-! Mitchell: Ohhh ya ya ya? "We set who free?" Front Desk Officer: No no, a black guy literally walked into the police station! Det. Harris: Oh, it's a new one. [Tupac's hologram walks in] Aw, shit! Look out! [the officers quickly draw their weapons] Officer 4: It's a black guy! Choke him! Det. Harris: Shoot him! Officer 4: Shoot him and then choke him! [the front desk officer shoots the hologram, but the bullet just goes through and disrupts the hologram's structural integrity. The officer tries to choke the hologram, but the arms just go through it] MJ's hologram: He's here to kill us! Run!! Heee heee! [they escape while the officers shoot at Tupac's hologram. They go down the fire escape unnoticed] Scene Description: Cartman's house. Kyle and Stan walk up to his room. Kyle tries to open the door, but finds it locked. He then pounds on the door Kyle: Cartman, open this door right now! Cartman: [his commenter window pops up] Hahaha, look at kyle, brahs. he's all pissed off. CartmaanBrah! Kyle: What the hell are you doing?! Cartman: What's it look like I'm doing? I'm trending, Kyle. I'm trending more than I ecer thought possible. Kyle: Come out here and talk to me face to face! Open this door! Cartman: How do you even know I'm here in my room? Kyle: Because you just said, "here in my room"! Cartman: ...Very impressive, Kyle. But the holiday special is beginning soon. I'm afraid I can't let there be any distractions. [Kyle tries breaking his way into the room] You will find that my door has been sealed with a 3/4 inch plywood and a polymer-metal alloy secured with drewall screws. [Kyle stops] Stan: Cartman, please! We have to stop this show! Lorde is going to do something horrible and corrupt little girls everywhere! Cartman: Why does that matter? Stan: Because Lorde is my dad, alright?! [walks forward as his anger drains away] Lorde is my dad. Cartman: What? Kyle: What are you talking about, Stan? Stan: He does it all with computers and processors... He got discovered on the Internet. He's like the PewDiePie of music. And he played live last week. Rubbed his clit and started trending more than ever. I thought he had learned his lesson... but it's like he doesn't care. Cartman: Sorry guys, I gotta go. The world needs CartmanBrah. [the commenter window disappears] Kyle: Why didn't you tell me, Stam? I would've helped. Stan: It just all seemed so... stupid. Kyle: I'll call the producers of the show. They'll help you find your dad. Scene Description: Meanwhile, at the Marsh house. Randy, Sharon, and MJ's hologram enter the house and sit on the sofa Sharon: See if it started! Randy: We don't really use this thing anymore. [grabs the remote and turns on the TV] It hasn't started yet! Alright, Sharon, get on your computer upstairs! Mr. Jackson, you can take the one in my son's room! We've got to tell people the truth! Sharon: [puts her hand on Randy's shoulder] Randy, what about Shelly? Randy: Oh my God... MJ's hologram: Shelly? Who's Shelly? That's ignorant. Randy: My daughter... She has no idea that I'm Lorde... I can't let her find out from the Internet. I have to tell her the truth before we all tell the world. Sharon: How are you going to tell her that the singer she's idolized has been you? Randy: I guess... one step at a time. Scene Description: Shelly's room, moments later. Randy knocks on her door, then looks in. Shelly is looking at her monitor Randy: Shelly? Um, I'm Lorde. [she sits up a little] All the music you've really been into has been me. Nobody in the family knew except for your mother. And your brother, and your grandpa. But Michael Jackson's hologram is here and we're going to set the record straight, Okay? Love you. [blows her a kiss and closes the door, then to Michael's hologram]Whew, that was hard. Sharon: RANDY?! [Randy and Michael's hologram head downstairs] Scene Description: The living room. The men reach the foot of the stairs Sharon: It's started. Announcer: And now, Nabisco and Dolly Madison present, The Washington Redskins Go Fuck Yourself Holiday Special! [CartmanBrah appears in a window at upper left of the screen] And now, live via hologram, it's Kurt Cobain. [he appears in a Christmas fireplace setting] Cartman: Oh, this should be good. Kurt's hologram: [begins to sing] Up on the housetop, reindeer pause out jumps good ole Santa Claus Cartman: I'm sure this is exactly how Kurt Cobain would want to be remembered. Kurt's hologram: Down through the chimney with lots of toys All for the little ones, girls and boys [reaches to his left for a double-barreled shotgun and waves it around as if marching] Ho ho ho, who wouldn't go Yeh-he-he-eah who wouldn't go [loads and cocks the shotgun] Up on the housetop clickity click click [aims it at his mouth as if to shoot himself] Down through the chimney with good St. Nick? [waves it around again, then stops] Cartman: Hoh, this should get some comments. [Kurt's hologram fires the rifle and a small flag saying "Merry Christmas" pops out. He grins] Scene Description: The control room. Ron is in charge Ron: Stand by on camera 4. Boost the live Twitter feed. Aaand cue the hash tag! How are we trending? Controller 1: Trending at 64% and steady. Ron: [on the phone with the producer] We're trending at 64%, sir. Scene Description: Buca de Faggoncini. The record producer is having dinner Record producer: Excellent. I'm just about to deal with our last order of business now. Kyle: [walks into the restaurant and towards the producer with Stan] Thanks for seeing us, sir. My friend is really worried about his dad. Record producer: No no, thank you! [wipes his lips clean] If you hadn't called, I... wouldn't know what I know now. [gets up and walks towards the bar, dialing a number in the process] Stan: Um, l-look ih if I could just talk to him real quick? I wanna try and stop him from making an ass of himself again. Record producer: It's me. I've got somethin' you might be interested in. Randy: [on the line in the master bedroom] I don't think so, you son of a bitch! [Sharon and Michael's hologram are also there] Record producer: I've got your son here, Lorde. If you don't cooperate, he dies. Stan: What?? [both he and Kyle are scared] Randy: Stanley?! YOU LEAVE HIM OUT OF THIS! Scene Description: The living room. Randy runs downstairs with Sharon following Sharon: Randy, where are you going?! Randy: THEY'VE GOT STAN! JUST STAY HERE WITH MICHAEL JACKSON! [just as he reaches the front door, it opens and Tupac's hologram walks in] SHIT!! [runs to the back door.] Scene Description: Out front, at least 14 police cruisers and one tank roll up to the house. Some of them drift into position. Officers jump out of the cars and arm themselves. Det. Harris: [on his bullhorn] All right, listen up! We believe this is where the black people are! They're holograms, so we can't choke them or shoot them, so stand by till we figure out what the hell to do! Officer 5: [runs up] Sir! You'd better see this! [holds out a phone, which Detective Harris looks at] There's something new trending! #copscantgoaroundchokingblackpeople. Det. Harris: We know we can't, but we're trying to! Jesus, tell them we're workiing on it! Officer 6: No, sir, I I think they mean we shouldn't. Like we're racist or something. Det. Harris: What?! We're not racists. Peterson: Sir, we've got confirmation. There's two black guys in the upstairs of the house! Det. Harris: [turns around anticipating another joke] Uh huh, go ahead. Peterson: Two black guys. One of them is threatening the other one. Det. Harris: Yehah? Hang on! Mitch! [Mitchell appears again] Two black guys in the upstairs of the house. One of them is threatening the other one. [to Peterson] Okay, go ahead. Scene Description: Back at the holiday special Announcer: And now, together at last, Iggy Azalea and Elvis. [Elvis' hologram is playing the ukulele] Cartman: Oh bros, weak! Elvis' Hologram: Have a jolly holly Christmas Iggy's Ass: It's the best time of the pfffffffft. Elvis' Hologram: I don't know if there'll be snow but have a cup of Iggy's Ass: Pfffffffft Cartman: Oh weak, bros, so weak! Scene Description: Back at the control room. Ron has his back to the monitors Controller 2: It's incredible! I've never seen trending like this! Ron: [turns around] We're trending well? Controller 1: We're barely trending at all. But #ihatecartmanbrah is trending off the charts! Controller 2: He's right. ihatecartmanbrah is trending at 96% and climbing. Ron: That's impossible. Scene Description: Back at Buca de Faggoncini, the record producer pours himself another drink Kyle: How can you be willing to kill people for a holiday special? What's wrong with you? Record producer: It was five years ago that I... became a grandpa. At first it was wonderful. I wanted to show my grandson everything. Teach him all about the entertainment business. One day I aasked him, "Who's your favorite celebrity?" You know what he said to me? He said, "PeewwDiePie." I had no idea who [turns around] he was talking about. So I looked it up. And he was this insignificant little game blogger from Sweden who my grandson thought was a god! No matter who else I tried to impress him with, he would just say, "Meh." To me! MEH! [turns back to the bar] What the hell is wrong with these kids today?? With this special, we will assimilate this generation's culture into ours! MAKE THEM APPRECIATE REAL ENTERTAINMENT, DAMNIT! [pounds theh bar with his fist] Stan: Dude. You're such a grandpa. Record producer: [angrily clears everything off the bar] I AM NOT A GRANDPAAA! Scene Description: Back at the holiday special, it's Bill Cosby and Taylor Swift in the second duet Taylor: Well I guess it's time to leave. Bill's hologram: Oh but it's snowin' out dere. Taylor: Yeah but I need to get home. Bill's hologram: But it's snowin' out dere. Taylor: I really should go Bill's hologram: Oh what's the hurry? Taylor: Say, what's in this drink?' Bill's hologram: That's just some J-E-L-L-O. Taylor: The holidays are comin'- Dad: This is the oddest holiday special I've ever seen. Mom: Maybe we should turn it off. Cartman: [his commenter window appears] Oh wow, where are we now, brahs? [the family looks at him] This looks pretty stupid. Dad: What the heck? [tries to turn the TV off, but it won't turn off] Cartman: CartmaanBrah! Dad: [smacks the remote on his left hand a few times] This damn TV! What is that window doing outside the holiday special?! [tries turning the TV off again] Mom: Call customer service. Scene Description: Customer service, Steve answering Steve: Panasonic customer service. How can I help you? Dad: Yeah, we've got a commenter window in our living room. How do I get rid of that? Steve: Ohhhh yes yes yes yes. Many people are calling about this. We have NO idea what's going on. Have I answered all your questions in a timely manner? Cartman: [his commenter window appears] Oho, looks like we've reached customer service, brahs. Now we can truly be everywhere! Scene Description: The holiday special control room Ron: This isn't part of the holiday special! What is he doing?! Controller 2: He's trending more than we ever thought possible.! Cartman: [his commenter window appears] Yes, with every passing second I become more powerful. Scene Description: Stan's house, out front. The cops are laughing their asses off now Det. Harris: [laughing with them] Okay! Okay, okay okay okay. Go ahead. Peterson: So, then, the first black guy said to the second black guy, "Don't shoot me. I'm on your side." Det. Harris: Okay! Okay. Okay. Hold on. [catches his breath] Okay, go ahead. Peterson: And then the, the the tattooed black guy said, to him, "I ain't gonna kill you, man. You're the King of Pop. Let's go cap that whitey producer." Det. Harris: Oh God! Stop! Stop! Stop! Cartman: [his commenter window appears] Happy holidays, everyone! [the cops stop laughing and look at the window] Enjoy the rest of your lives with CartmanBrah. Scene Description: Buca de Faggoncini. Cartman's commenter window is now a fixture Record producer: Damn it, you're ruining the show! Cartman: Of course I am. This isn't about you. This is about CartmanBrah, brah. Kyle: I am so confused. Record producer: [to Ron] Shut him down! Ron: We can't, sir! Cartman: I am trending so much that soon I will reach... trendscendence. Like Johnny Depp, but cool. Stephen: I'm confused. Why this holiday special and what is it? Cartman: It's all CartmanBrah now. [a shot of Times Square. Cartman's image replaces everything else on the screens there] I am trending into something more than human. I am becoming... transgender. [a shot of the Times Square crowd, looking at the screens in disbelief] Now they will HAVE to give my my own bathroom! Record producer: This is not what I hired you for! I CONTROL TALENT, DAMNIT! MJ's hologram: [bursts through the doors with Tupac's hologram] There he is! That's the ignorant man! Record producer: This is crazy and everyone is watching everything! Kyle: [thinking aloud] Everyone is watching everything. [turns right and walks up to a camera] Ike? [switch to Ike's room] Ike, if you can hear me, I'm sorry. I have been a grandpa. [Ike's friends look at the monitor] I didn't understand the things you are into and I and I thought you should like the same stuff that I did. [Michael's hologram walks up to the record producer and shoots him in the head, killing him] I have to accept that you're gonna have your own things. I just didn't want you to watch HIM. I just... I just wanna be a family again. Kid 4: Oh, I feel bad for the little guy. Conner: There's nothing sadder than a old man crying. Kid 3: Maybe we should help Ike: Yeah! Kid 2: Okay. Kyle: Help? How can you help? Kid 2: It's the holiday season. We just need to get everyone to believe again. Conner: Yeah, someone can come change all this. You know who. Kyle: Really? That's what you guys would do? Conner: Of course! We just need to get everyone to believe in him. He'll always come and help. #webelieveinyou Kyle: Oh my God, you're right! You're totally right!! EVERYONE! GET A NEW TREND GOING! FAST! #webelieveinyou! MJ's hologram: We believe in you. Of course! Kyle: [walks ever closer to the camera] You too! Right now! #webelieveinyou! We've got to make him appear! [the signal is now disrupted] Cartman: Hey! What's going on? What is that? [amid some special effects of snow and holly popping out of the upper right corner of screens everywhere, PewDiePie's commenter window appears] PewDiePie: How's it goin' bros? This is [goes fullscreen]PewDiePie! Cartman: What the hell?! Kids: PewDiePie! Kyle: PewDiePie?! PewDiePie: Thanks for all the shoutouts. I guess there's some little fat kid trying to be me, so let's check it out. Cartman: Ey! Get out of here, PewDiePie! This is MY holiday special! PewDiePie: [mocking Cartman] God damn it, get out of here! Cartman: Uh, everyone, tweet now if you wanna get rid of PewDiePie! PewDiePie: This show is getting kind of boring, bros. What do you say we change it out to something more exciting? Cartman: Please show your support for CartmanBrah brah right now by uh... PewDiePie: I know! Let's play Call of Duty! [the game pops up fullscreen and the commenter windows switch places] Cartman: No! You can't do this! PewDiePie: Ohhh yeah! This is more like it, bros! Cartman: God damn it, who the hell do you think you are?! If you don't stop right now-! PewDiePie: Okay, that little fat kid is getting annoying. Let's get rid of him! Cartman: NOOOO! [his commenter window disappears, as well as the holiday special] PewDiePie: Oh yeah! Way better, bros! This is how we do it in Sweden! BOOM head shot! BOOM head shot! Scene Description: South Park, next morning. At Stark's Pond, Stan and Kyle sit on a bench and look out over the lake. Kyle: Well, I finally got my family to use the living room for an hour each night. Stan: I'm still really confused, dude. I have no idea what that was about. Kyle: Yeah. I guess that's the point. I don't think we're gonna understand. Maybe this IS all the beginning of a new art form. YouTube celebrities are only getting bigger. And what's great is that these people are inventing themselves, instead of being marketed and shoved down our throats. Stan: Yeah. Kyle: No matter what we think, it's not just a passing trend. We need to realize that the new generation of entertainment is here. [notices PewDiePie's commenter window pop up to his right and above] And I, think that's great. Stan: Yeah, I think that's great too. PewDiePie: Alright bros, it look like we'll have to end it there. I wanna thank South Park for being in my show. I hope you bros enjoyed watching, and as always, stay awesome! [over the end credits] Oh! That's it bros. Show's over.

Scene Description: South Park Elementary cafeteria, night. Emergency All School meeting. Students and their parents file into the cafeteria and find seats. Mr. Mackey approaches the mic Mr. Mackey: Alright parents and students, please take your seats. [A gleeful Randy crumples a sheet of paper into a ball and throws it at him as Sharon looks on. The crumpled up paper strikes Mr. Mackey, who tries to deflect it and gets annoyed] Okay, okay. Now as you know, There was an incident at the school last week involving a student referring to rape as a "hot Cosby," okay? [everyone laughs. Cartman looks around, smiling] Listen, listen! Principal Victoria has been fired! Various adults: What? Fired? Cartman: Sweet dude! Mr. Mackey: And a new person has been appointed to try and make South Park Elementary a more... progressive place that... fits in with today's times. Heh ukay? So please welcome... PC Principal. [a burly man holding a sports bottle walks through the cafeteria. He sports a goatee, a hint of a mustache, and Oakley sunglasses. He swallows the last of the drink and throws the bottle off to one side] PC Principal: Alright, listen up. My name is PC Principal. I don't know about you, but frankly I'm sick and tired of how minority groups are marginalized in today's society. I'm here because this place is lost in a time warp! Students who still use the word "retarded"! A teacher who said women without wombs should get an AIDS test! Mr. Garrison: Oh, I was a [takes his right wrist and flips it forward] lesbian then. PC Principal: A chef "person of color" who the children had sing soul songs and who the children drove to kill himself! Butters: No, he got brainwashed by a cult. PC Principal: [aims his left index finger at Butters] And that's two days' detention for you, young man! We'll see you at 4! Butters: What?? PC Principal: Let me ask you this. We're in Colorado, right?! Where are the Hispanic kids?! Huh?! Where are the ethnic and racial minorities?! Mr. Mackey: Well, we have Token; he's black. PC Principal: [aims his left index finger at Mr. Mackey] And that's two days' detention for you, Mackey! Congratulations! Mr. Mackey: Wha- I got detention? PC Principal: I Googled South Park before I came here, and I cannot believe the shit you're getting away with! People claiming to be advocates of transgender rights, but really just wanting to use the women's bathroom! [Sharon and Stan look at Randy] A white man who thinks he's Chinese and built a wall to keep out Mongolians. Tuong Lu Kim: Ohhhh I hate-a Mongorians! PC Principal: What the fuck is this?! Are you fucking kidding me?! I'm telling you all, this is done! Like it or not, PC is back, and it's bigger than ever! Weoo-weoo-weoo You hear that?! That's the sound of 2015 pulling you over, people! Suck it! [holds his right arm out and lets the mic drop to the floor from his hand] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Kids walk here and there in the hall. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny walk together Stan: [looking around] Man, I guess things are going to be different around here. Kyle: You know what? I think it's good. Let's face it: this is long overdue. Butters: [runs up to the other three] Did you guys hear? Cartman got four days' detention, for calling Heidi Turner "clitty litter"! Kenny: (Really?) Butters: But the thing is, Eric isn't even fightin' it. It's like he's all sad and scared. Kyle: Good! He should be sad and scared! These things do matter and I already feel better to be at a school where we can start to have a dialogue and talk about this stuff. Mr. Mackey: [over the P.A. system] Will uh, Kyle Broflovski report to the principal's office immediately? Uhkay? Kyle Broflovski. [Kyle walks off] Did I, did I say that all right? Scene Description: The principal's office, some time later. Gerald opens the office door and steps in Gerald: Uhm, hi, I'm Gerald, Kyle Broflovski's father. PC Principal: Have a seat. I've been talking with your child, and we're gonna be giving him two weeks' detention. Gerald: [to Kyle, in a hushed voice] Wull, what's this about, Kyle? PC Principal: Your son said some things to a fourth-grade girl that frankly make me wanna puke! Now that I'm principal, I'm not gonna allow [pounds the desk with his left fist] anyone at this school to be made feel unsafe and harassed! Gerald: Wh-wh-what did he say? PC Principal: [takes off his sunglasses] You'll have to excuse my language. [picks up a report and clears his throat] "I don't think Caitlyn Jenner is a hero." [no reaction from Gerald or Kyle. PC Principal gets ready to erupt] This kind of transphobic and [pounds the desk with his left fist] bigoted hate speech isn't gonna fly here, bro! Well I though we were all on board that Caitlyn Jenner is an amazing, [quickly stands up] beautiful woman who had the exquisite bravery of a butterfly flying against the wind. And then this shit comes out of people's mouths! Gerald: PC Principal, I, I'm sure Kyle was just referring to Bruce Jenner as a person, and not trying to say anything against- PC Principal: You got a fuckin' problem bro?! Gerald: No... PC Principal: 'Cause it's not Bruce fuckin' Jenner! It's Caitlyn, and she's a fuckin' stunning woman! Or maybe you're the one teaching him to demean women in the first place! HUH?! What's up?! What's fuckin' up, bro? Gerald: Look, maybe we can all just ta- PC Principal: Get the fuck out of here, dude! [turns the desk over, sending papers all over the place] Gerald and Kyle: [alarmed] Aaah! [Gerald takes Kyle and they both rush to the door, open it, and rush out] Scene Description: Crunchy's Micro Brew. The men of the town have gathered at this new watering hole. At the center table sit Stuart, Stephen, Randy, Gerald, and Ryan Valmer Randy: I mean, who the hell does this guy think he is? Some college kid's gonna come in and tell us our ways are old? Stuart: Yeah. And, you can't bully our kids like that. Gerald: Kyle's already got two weeks of detention. Stephen: Huh for what?! Gerald: Just 'cause he said something about Caitlyn Jenner. [a hush falls over the table] Stephen: Oh, Caitlyn Jenner. she's a hero. She is stunning and brave. Stuart: Stunning. She is absolutely beautiful, and an inspiration. Ryan: Yup! Randy: Yup, that's right. Gerald: Well what the hell were you guys talki- Ryan: We've gotta be careful, Gerald. This is a college bar. PC bro 1: Somebody here have a problem with Caitlyn Jenner? Ryan: No. PC bro 1: No? 'Cause she's a stunning, beautiful woman, and if you wanna call her anything else I'm ready to fuckin' throw down! Stuart: No no, we're totally fine with it. PC bro 2: Weoo-weoo-weoo-weoo-weoo! [walks up waving his left hand over his head like a police siren] It? Did somebody just refer to Caitlyn Jenner as "it"? I'm PC, bro. I'll throw down! PC bro 1: Sweet. You're PC bro? PC bro 2: Yeah, Arizona State. PC bro 1: Sweet, bro. I'm PC UMass. PC bro 2: Fuck yeah! Sweet, dude! [holds up his left hand open] PC bro 1: [clasps the other guy's left hand with his own] Sweet! [releases the grip] So, do we have a fuckin' problem here? Stephen: No! Caitlyn Jenner is the bravest woman in America. PC bro 3: Weoo-eoowoo-eoowoo-oo! [walks up waving his right hand over his head like a police siren] Did someone here just say "America" in a way that "other-izes" and demeans the people of Latin and South America?! PC bro 2: Nice, dude. You PC? PC bro 3: Yeah, Chino Hills. [to the seated men] You think Venezuelans aren't Americans, brah?! PC bro 2: Yeah, you wanna make fun of me?! PC Principal: [notices the commotion and walks up] Hey! What seems to be the problem here, gentlemen?! PC bro 1: Who the hell are you?! PC Principal: I'm PC Principal. PC bro 2: Oh nice. We're all PC too. PC Principal: No way! There's more PC bros here? PC bro 4: Yeah dude, Ohio State. PC Principal: Sweet, bros. Texas A&M. Bro, I had no idea there were like-minded individuals in this town that defended social minorities. We should all hang out. PC bro 1: We should totally hang out. PC bro 4: We should all get a house together and unite our tolerant views. PC bro 1: Fuckin' do it, dude! PC bro 4: Fuck yeah! Scene Description: A new frat house in South Park - Rho Omega Delta - night. PC bros are everywhere, lifting weights, fighting, drinking from kegs, having a good time. Two of them are on a balcony drinking PBR as two farmers gaze at the house from a distance. Janitor: Well, looks like thangs are gettin' all PC again. [a shot of the house again] Friend: Well how long d'you think this will last? Janitor: Lasted about six years last time. We got at least [checks his watch] 5.9 years to go. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The school bell rings, and Cartman is at his locker getting his back pack. The other boys walk up to him. Kyle: Uhhh, hey Cartman. Uhwaht's goin' on? Aren't you going to ah, you know, go do something about this new principal? Cartman: I've already got four days of detention. I don't want anymore. I'm gonna start following the rules. Stan: But, this isn't you, Cartman. Kyle: Yeah, where is the Eric Cartman we know? The Eric Cartman we know breaks the rules. And he gets away with it. Just like his hero! Come on, who's your hero, Cartman?! Cartman: [sighs heavily] Tom Brady. Stan: Right! And what does Tom Brady do after breaking the rules? Cartman: Deny and subvert. Stan: Yeah! Butters: Yeah, what? Well what would Tom Brady say if he got caught shoplifting. Cartman: Everybody shoplifts. Why are you coming down on me? Butters: Yeah! Kyle: [walks up to Cartman] You're Tom Brady, Cartman! And that new principal in there is the football commissioner trying to dictate his punishment to you. And what happens when an invulnerable cheater comes up against an elitist corporate dictator? Cartman: A perfect storm of hypocrisy that everyone in the country has to deal with for months on end. Cartman: [pacing back and forth] You're right, guys. I'm gonna Tom Brady this thing! Boys: Yeah! Cartman: I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say "You're not giving me four day of detention! You're only giving me one!" Boys: Yeah! Cartman: NO! No, to hell with that! "You're giving me NO days detention! And then I'm gonna go home and fuck my hot wife! Who's not even that hot, and kinda looks like a dude!" [marches off] Boys: Yeah! Cartman: [turns around] Thanks, guys. I almost forgot the lessons that football has taught us all. I can get around these pesky rules. Butters, I'm going to need your underwear. [walks off] Butters: Well ohhh-kay! [walks off after Cartman] Kyle: Cool. I think we did it. [raises his left arm, and Stan high-fives it] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway. PC Principal walks through it like the Big Man On Campus. The kids look up at him in awe. He reaches the stairs leading up to the faculty bathroom. Nearby Jenny Simons looks at him, he looks back. He opens his arms as if to scare a bear, then he takes a step in Jenny's direction. Jenny backs away immediately. PC Principal goes downstairs. Scene Description: Faculty bathroom, moments later. PC Principal puts his glasses behind his head and does his business at the urinal. Cartman drops down from the toilet in the stall behind the principal and steps outside the stall Cartman: Oh, PC Principal, how are you today? PC Principal: What are you doing in the faculty bathroom? Cartman: You know, I think you and I got off on the wrong foot the other day. By all means, please, keep your dick out. You see, I'm not going to accept four days of detention and... you're going t'apologize publicly for being so strict to me and my friends at school. PC Principal: What the fuck are you talking about? Cartman: It's just a request, that's all. See you around. [stops and looks down] Oh, you seem to have dropped something, PC Principal. [picks it up] What's this? Why, this is a little boy's underwear. [sniffs at it] Why, this is Butters' underwear. PC Principal: [zips up and looks at Cartman] What? Cartman: PC Principal, you have Butters' underwear and now... [drops it into the urinal and soaks it in PC Principal's urine - the principal had not flushed the urinal - and pulls the briefs out.] Oh my gosh, it's got your DNA all over it. [through some windows above the urinal, Kyle, Butters, Craig, Stan, and Token watch the action unfold] This certainly doesn't look good for you. I don't need to tell anyone about this. No, I think we have an understanding. Capiche? PC Principal: What did you just say? Cartman: You mean about keeping your dick out? PC Principal: "Capiche"?! You're associating Italian-Americans to intimidation tactics?! [one by one, the boys' smiles disappear] You'd better watch your micro-aggression's, bro! [now the boys are afraid of the next move] Cartman: Oh-kay. Look, you don't want to end up like the spokesman for Subway, so you? PC Principal: Did you just use a term that excludes women from an occupation?! [picks Cartman up...] Cartman: Okay, let's back up. [...and slams him against the stall] Aaah! PC Principal: [slams him several times into the wall next to the mirror] Did you just say "spokesman" instead of "spokesperson"?! When women are just as capable at selling sandwiches as anyone?! [slams Cartman into the mirror, shattering it] Are you purposely trying to use words that assert your male privilege?! [slams Cartman into a sink, shattering it] Cartman: [quuickly] No, I'm sorry. I was just trying to frame you for raping Butters! PC Principal: [ignoring him] Do you think Italian-Americans and women are less important?! [pins Cartman to the floor and starts beating him up] Cartman: Oh God! PC Principal: You dare to use words that alienate two communities of people who have to deal with verbal biases like yours on a daily basis?! [beats him up some more. The other boys leave the window and walk away.] Scene Description: Rho Omega Delta house. The frat bros are having a good time as "Genius of Love" plays in the background. Randy looks out from his bedroom window, not being able to sleep, and sees the frat house. He puts his fists against his hips and heads for the house. He bangs on the door until it opens Randy: Can I speak with PC Principal please? PC bro 5: Oh yeah. We got another one, guys! PC bro 6: All right. Bring him in, bro! PC bro 7: [voice only] We're ready! Woo! [other PC bros haul him in and change his clothes] Randy: Hey what? [stands in line with a bunch of other guys] Hey no, I- No, I don't- [he is now wearing a PLEDGE shirt - he is now a pledge for this fraternity] PC bro 8: All the pledges take a shot! [the music is cut off, frat bros come in and offers the pledges swigs from various bottles of liquor] PC Principal: All right pledgies, we're excited. You wanna try and be PC. We hope you've got what it takes to join the most socially active group in America. PC bros: Weoooh! PC Principal: You know, there's still some people out there that say "What does being PC really mean?" Well, I'll tell you what it means. It means you love nothin' more than beer, workin' out, and that feelin' you get when you rhetorically defend a marginalized community from systems of oppression. PC bros: Wooo! Yeah! Dude, let's go! Woowooo! Yeah! Randy: [takes a swig] Yeah! PC bros: Wooohooo! Randy: [shakes his head vigorously] Wooo-ooo! PC bros: Wooohooo! let's go! Yeah! Scene Description: The Marsh house, early morning. Randy comes down the stairs slowly, painfully. He stops a moment to address a headache. He makes his way slowly to the kitchen and sits at the breakfast table. He hangs his head and rests it on his right hand. Sharon, arms crossed, has been waiting for him. Sharon: You got home pretty late last night. Six AM? Randy: I've joined a social awareness group. It's a coalition that discourages the use of ... words that have negative or offensive connotations... to grant respect to people who are victims of unfair stereotypes. Sharon: You got in at Six and now you're missing work. Randy: We've been getting away with horrible things, Sharon. Having- laughs at less privileged people and thinking it was harmless. Our group is... trying to be a civilizing influence... where we discuss and have meetings to better define and reinforce tolerance and acceptance [voice trails off] of all groups of people. Sharon: Hm... And do they have booze at these meetings? Randy: Uhhhh... They serve refreshments, yes. Scene Description: A hospital room, night. Cartman is on a bed hooked up to monitoring equipment. He's got two black eyes, cuts on his arms, and a cast on his right leg. Stan, Kyle, Butters, and Kenny stop by Stan: Cartman? Cartman: [with raspy voice] We can't beat him, you guys. PC Principal is too strong. Butters: What do we do now? Cartman: There's nothing left to do. I'm going to admit I did something wrong, take my punishment, and move on. I'm not Tom Brady. Butters: [earnestly] Oh no! Kyle: Dude, if we all tell the police what the principal did, he'll be fired! Stan: Yeah. Cartman: No way. Kyle: Why? Cartman: Because PC Principal is right, Kyle. You and I are bigots, and it's time for us to grow up. Kyle: No, you're a bigot. Cartman: If I can face my prejudice, why can't you? We're two privileged, straight white boys who have their laughs about things we never had to deal with. Kyle: I'm not going to apologize for saying Caitlyn Jenner isn't a hero! In fact, personally, I think she's most likely not a very good person! [the boys gasp] Cartman: [In added pain] Aaahh, aahh! [looks left at Kyle] Kyle, believe me! I know the struggle with hatred. Let's make ourselves better people... together. [reaches out to Kyle] Kyle: Come on, fat-ass. Cartman: No more fat-shaming, Kyle. Let's start a new chapter. Kyle: So you're never gonna call me a dirty Jew again? Cartman: No. I'm going to call you... my friend. Kyle: Oh fuck you. [turns around and walks out] Cartman: I... guess we never realized how bad he really was. Scene Description: Rho Omega Delta house, night. Randy dances with other bros to "Watch Me (Whip / Nae Nae)" and takes a sip of beer after each dance move PC Principal: All right, pledges, listen up. Congratulations on making it to the final cuts. [only three pledges are left - Randy and two other men.] Pledges: Wooohoo! Yeah! PC Principal: Now it's time for the final test. So what you're gonna have to do, to prove you belong with PC, is go out there, and check someone's privilege. Pledge 1: Finally! Pledge 2: Yes! Randy: I'm sorry, I don't know what that is. PC Principal: Topher, can you explain "check your privilege" please. Topher: [PC Bro 1] Uh, it's getting someone to acknowledge their own inherent privileges and reminding them to put them aside in order to better understand another human's plight. PC Principal: Yeah, see, there's some people out there like Brett fucking Favre who think that when we all stand up and applaud Caitlyn Jenner at the ESPY Awards, he can get away with one of these bullshit claps! [performs a limp clap] It's called "clapping" Favre! What the fuck are you doing?! Washing your hands?! You're either on board, or you're NOT, bro! Now, if he's gonna bring shame on someone, then he can have his privilege checked and have a little shame brought down on him! Randy: You want me to shame Brett Favre? PC Principal: [stops to stare at Randy] No. 'Cause there's somebody even worse now. Scene Description: Kyle's room, night. He's asleep, and we quickly find out who could be worse then Brett Favre. On the inner side of the bed is Randy, and on the window side are the two pledges who were with him for the final cut. One 3 the three men shake Kyle's bed and blow into noisemakers. Kyle: AAAAHH! What the fuck, dude?! What the fuck?! [A few seconds later the men rush out of the room as he watches them leave. Then he looks down and sees pigs all over the floor. Each one has the word "Biggit" painted on.] Scene Description: Cartman's hospital room. He begins to dream of a football game. He's dressed as Tom Brady, with his back to the camera. His voice echoes throughout the dream Cartman Brady: [turns around] I may be down, but I'm not out. Tom Brady's never out! Commissioner Cartman: You broke the rules! Cartman Brady: Fuck you, "I broke the rules"! YOU're breaking the rules! Commissioner Cartman: Fuck you, you broke the rules! Cartman Brady: You broke the rules, how you found out I broke the rules! Coach Cartman: Yeah, you broke the rules! Commissioner Cartman: I'm the commissioner! I can break the rules 'cause you guys broke the rules before! I didn't bust you enough! Coach, Brady: Just because you didn't bust us enough for breakin' the rules, that doesn't mean you can break the rules bustin' us now! Commissioner Cartman: Fuck both you guys! I can do whatever I want! I'm breakin' the rules! Cartman Brady: Fuck you, I'm Tom Brady! Commissioner Cartman: Fuck you, I'm the commissioner! I'll make up new rules! Coach, Brady: Fuck your rules! Commissioner Cartman: Fuck you guys, always fucking rules! Cartman Brady: Fuck all the rules! [all this wakes Cartman up] Cartman: Ack! Butters! Butters: I'm here, Eric. Cartman: Oh Butters, I've lived such a horrible life! Always doing whatever I want and claiming it to be for integrity. BUTTERS? Butters: Yes Eric. Cartman: I'm never going back to the person I was. I swear to God. From now on the world is going to know a new and better Eric Cartman. Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. The doorbell rings and Stan rushes to the door to see who it is. When he opens the door, he sees Kyle with a tree stuck on his back and penises drawn all over his face. Kyle: Will you please tell your dad to leave me alone? Stan: Dude, what happened? Kyle: [steps inside, tree and all] Your dad was on my lawn yelling at me all night, and after I finally fell asleep I woke up Saran-wrapped to a tree with penises on my face. And this. [removes his hat to reveal his hair gathered into four crude ponytails, one of them covered in a condom. Stan is stunned, but takes it in] Stan: Hang on. [walks to the kitchen] Dad, did you draw dicks on my friend's face? Randy: [back at the kitchen table, with a hangover, like last time] Did I check his privilege? Yes. I had some refreshments and I checked your friend's privilege. Stan: That's my best friend, Dad! Stop shaming him because you want to fit in! Randy: Stan, straight white males in a capitalistic society have little- understanding of victimization compared to injustices against the underprivileged. Dicks on your face is a very first-world problem. [the liquor comes back into his mouth] Oh shit! [vomits as he heads toward the sink] Stan: [returns] Look, Kyle, maybe you should just say Caitlyn Jenner is a hero. Kyle: I didn't even say she wasn't a hero! I just said she isn't a hero to me! I didn't like Bruce Jenner as a person when he was on the Kardashians, and I don't suddenly like him now! A passing bro: Weoo-weoo-weoo-weooh! Stan: Her. Kyle: HER, yes! Scene Description: Cartman's hospital room. Cartman is on his feet, stumbling Cartman: OH. Eh, oh it's no use, Butters. I want to get out there and start making positive changes, but I... can barely even walk. [thinks a moment] How is everybody doing? Butters: Well they're fine. Everyone's just kind of keepin' their mouths shut. It's kinda nice. [smiles] So the PC guys are leavin' people alone. Well, except for... Cartman: Who? Butters: Well, well now they've made Kyle their main target. Cartman: [soft music plays] ...Kyle? ...My friend Kyle? [begins removing his hospital clothes slowly and replacing them with his own clothes] Butters: Eric, what are you doing? Cartman: I don't have a choice. I have to take these PC people out. Butters: Oh, but I thought you agreed with them. Cartman: I do, but I have to help Kyle, even if I don't agree with his hateful, bigoted thoughts. Kyle's view may be warped. I personally think Caitlyn Jenner's a stunning hero, [clears his throat] but that doesn't mean I'll stand by while Kyle's intolerance is dealt with violently. We're going to war with these PC people once and for all! Butters, I'm going to need 200 pregnant Mexican women and some taco launchers. Butters: Well ohhh-kay! Scene Description: Rho Omega Delta house, night. The PC bros have gathered around a door entrance, and begin chanting... PC bros: Social Justice 1 2 3 Woowoo! I wanna be PC Woowoo! It's just the way to be for me! And you! Woowoo! Your hateful slurs are through! Woowoo! PC bro 9: I call woowoo on you! PC bros: Woowoo! We'll fight until you're PC black and blue! Randy: Woowoo! PC bros: Woowoo!We are language police fighting bigotry! Hurtful words can suck our turds, 'cause it's PC for me! PC bro 5: And you! PC bros: Woowoo! Yeah! Yeah! Fuck yeah! PC bro 5: Fuck yeah, bro! PC bro! [Cartman is now on the scene, walking with a crutch and a walkie-talkie.] Cartman: All right, send in the pregnant Mexican women! [Butters, with a semaphore flag in each hand, gives the signal for the women to rush the house] Pregnant Mexican Women: Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! PC bro 5: Fuck, bro?! [Cartman stops by the taco launchers, which are manned by Clyde, Craig, and Tweek] Cartman: Fire the taco launchers! [the boys load the launchers and let fly. Tacos rain down upon the frat house. The women arrive and run into the house, picking up tacos on the way] Syrian refugee children, flank from the left! [a truck load of Syrian refugee children is waiting for the truck bed to empty out. Butters releases the cargo door and the kids flood out towards the house] PC bro 2: Dude, what is this, bro?! PC bro 6: I don't know, bro! Cartman: [looking through some binoculars] The Syrian refugee children are in; send in Jared! [Jared appears with his arms stretched out, ready to grab anything. He follows the women and the kids into the frat house, but doesn't grab anyone. The rest of the neighborhood gathers and marches towards the house] Stephen: What in the world is going on?? Cartman: All right, good. The pregnant Mexican women are falling asleep on the tacos. [sees Jared on the balcony trying to grab some kids, and some bros stop Jared] Jared needs backup, send in the Chinese drivers. [a split second later two cars crash into each other in front of the house.] A PC Bro: [falls from the balcony to his death] Ohhh! [lands on his head] Cartman: All right, the Syrian refugees are trying to protect their children! Gimme a- Oh fuck, there's Kyle. [lowers his binoculars] What the fuck are you doing, Kyle? Kyle: Enough! Stop! Everyone STOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHP! [The camera shows his head bigger than usual and the air brighter then usual. His voice echoes across town and everyone stops in their tracks. A pregnant woman picks up a taco and runs off with it.] This is so wrong! I can't let it continue! This is not ever what I intended! I just want to say... Caitlyn Jenner is a hero. There's no other way to say it. What she did took bravery, and she is absolutely stunning. [Moments later, PC Principal steps forward and begins clapping. Once the clapping reaches normal speed, others begin to join in. A live-action shot of Brett Farve at the ESPYs "limp-clapping" is even thrown in] Townsman: Wooo. Scene Description: South Park, the dawn of a new day. Everyone gathers in the school cafeteria, which has a sign at the entrance: WELCOME TO 2015 SOUTH PARK. Inside, people are having conversations, kids are running around, Randy's butt is getting branded... Randy: Ow, hot. Hot hot, hothohhht. [PC Bro 4 takes the branding iron off, and Randy is officially a PC Bro. He stands up and gets dressed.] Ahhh. PC Principal: I gotta hand it to you, Marsh. You really checked that little boy's privilege. Using those Syrian refugees was genius, bro. PC bro 4: Yeah. I would have never thought to use offensive imagery and outrageous stereotypes to provoke someone to open their eyes. Randy: So I'm PC now? PC Principal: You're not only PC, you've actually changed my PC. [whips out some sunglasses] Congrats. Here's your Oakleys. Randy: Oh wow. Oakleys! [puts them on and his voice changes] Oh yeah bro, these are sweet. [The big five stand nearby observing the small ceremony] Stan: So I guess PC Principal is here to stay, huh? Cartman: Yes. But at least we showed him that sometimes joking about un-PC things can actually be important, because it starts a dialogue. [Kyle lowers his eyelids and the others back away] What's wrong, Kyle? You have your cake. Eat it, too. Kyle: It just seems to me like we all lost in this, and that the only person who won was you. Cartman: Hmmm... And who does that remind you of, Kyle? Now if you don't mind, I'm gonna go home and fuck my hot wife. Who, kind of looks like, a dude. [Cartman hums his own version of the end theme song over the credits.]

Scene Description: The White House, day. President Obama delivers a speech in the East Room to the press President Obama: Now, last week we were all reminded that intolerance still exists in our country. It took a very special young student to light up social media, and we've invited him to the White House today to show our appreciation. Because never have there been more tolerant, more moving words than Kyle Broflovski's speech about his hero Caitlyn Jenner. [applause. Kyle is shown with his eyes half-closed - an indication that he doesn't want to be there.] Come on up here, Kyle. Scene Description: Crunchy's Micro Brew, during the speech. Mr. Garrison is seated with Richard Adler and Jimbo at a table looking at a TV monitor above the bar. Mr. Garrison: You see?? There! This is why it's happening! Everyone's preachin' openness and acceptance, and so now millions of goddamned immigrants are comin' over the border and nobody seems to care! Richard Adler: Well what are you gonna do? In today's world it's like you can't even say anything negative about illegal immigrants. Randy: [Approaching and gesturing like a siren] Weoo weoo weoo weoo weoo! Did somebody over here say "illegal immigrants"? Because the correct term is "undocumented immigrants," alright bro? [leaves] Mr. Garrison: [hushed] It's like nobody cares! And they just keep comin'. Crossin' the border with their dirty families, playin' their stupid music! [looks to his left] I mean, look at 'em! I'll bet not ONE of them is here legally! [a group of Canadians is playing pool.] Canadian 1: Alright guy! Canadian 2: Hey buddih! Canadian 3: Hey buddih! Canadian 4: [the shooter] Hey, what's going on fwiend! Canadian 5: [Wearing a Canada sweater] Hey, buddih! Another Moosehead, eh? Mr. Garrison: We should have put up a goddamned wall. [Jimbo and Richard now look at the Canadians as well] President Obama: But wait, there's still more, [the three man now look at the TV] because this country was built on dreamers, and Kyle, we want to make your dreams come true. And so here is your hero, Caitlyn Jenner. [applause as Caitlyn joins Barack and Kyle at the podium. Kyle is taken aback] Caitlyn Jenner: [with a lisp] I just wanna say thank you Kyle for your beautiful words of support. President Obama: Now Kyle, we've got another little surprise for you. We told you we were flying you back home, but the truth is, you're getting a ride back all the way with your hero! How do you like that?! [Ooohs and applause follow.] Scene Description: Caitlyn Jenner's car, outside, moments later. She's ready to take Kyle home, while Kyle looks bewildered. Caitlyn Jenner: Buckle up, buckaroo! [Revs up and speeds away. Almost immediately an elderly person crosses her path and she runs her over, thoroughly killing her under her wheels. The press applauds.] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. Mr. Garrison enters his classroom along with his students. Mr. Garrison: Okay children, let's take our seats. As you've probably noticed, our government has decided to let anyone who wants to, cross the border and screw up our country! [before him is a crowded room, with more desks and lots of new Canadian students.] I know you're all as pissed off as I am, so why don't we begin today's lesson on why the once-great empire of Rome, fell to shit! Huh?! Who can tell my why Rome fell to shit?! [all the Canadian kids raise their hands] No, somebody who matters! [the Canadian students begin to clamor. Garrison puts his left hand over his nose and closes his eyes] Alright, fine, in the orange shirt. Canadian kid 1: [orange shirt] The Roman Empire, buddy, was facing ehh several issues, guy, as they reached the new millennium, friend, and rather- Mr. Garrison: [irritated] Oh, speak in English! You see, [turns around and begins writing on the board] what happened is that these immigrants called Goths [writes the word and circles and underlines it] were welcomed into Roman territories [writes the word Roman on the board] because some people felt bad for them. [another Canadian boy checks his watch and hops off his seat, opens a small case and pulls out a trumpet] And then the Goths suddenly decided they were being oppressed, you see, and so then- [the boy begins to play a familiar tune, and Mr. Garrison turns around] What the hell are you doing?! [the other Canadian kids get out of their seats and whip out their trumpets to play the song] Canadian kid 2: [in a suit] It's 8am, guy. Mr. Garrison: [loses his temper,throws his notes and chalk] Well that's it! Why don't you Canucks go back where you came from?! [they stop and look aghast at him] Scene Description: The Principal's office, moments later. PC Principal is behind his desk with Mr. Mackey at his right side. PC Principal is barely containing his temper. Mr. Garrison is looking at him defiantly with arms crossed PC Principal: You really think you can refer to an undocumented immigrant as a "Canuck"?! Mr. Garrsion: PC Principal, they got up in the middle of my lecture and started playing music! PC Principal: So did you forget that at eight and eleven all Canadians face east and play Chuck Mangione? [stands up and puts his hands on the desk] Or did you not care to find out about their religious customs? Mr. Garrsion: Thuh, they don't even speak English! PC Principal: Then you need to be teaching in both languages from now on! Mackey, sign the faculty up for Canadian-language night classes! Mr. Garrsion: What?! Mr. Mackey: [bowing profusely] Yes, PC Principal! R-right away! M'kay? PC Principal: You're on thin ice, Garrison! Get in line or you'll be out of a job, bro! Scene Description: South Park Elementary cafeteria, lunchtime. Cartman, Kenny, Butters, and Token bring lunches from home while Stan, Kyle, Clyde and Craig get school lunches Stan: What are they doing now? [several tables have Canadian kids seated and eating. Butters stands up for a better look] Butters: Well they're all eatin' together and praying. A-and they're puttin' syrup on their Mac & Cheese! [sits back down] Clyde: Ugh, so weird! Token: There's just so many of them. Cartman: You guys, I think this whole thing is a conspiracy. Token: Whattaya mean? Cartman: Think about what happened: American has pretty secure border for years. Kyle gives a big speech about tolerance and acceptance that goes viral. A bunch of Canadians cross the border illegally. Kyle's brother is Canadian. What if Kyle knowingly gave that speech to get all the illegals in? Kyle: [annoyed] I'm sitting right here. Cartman: And he's sitting right here. Kyle: You really think just my speech brought on a wave of illegal immigration?! Stan: You did kind of go overboard, dude. Kyle: [looks at Stan, betrayed] What?! Stan: It's just... I know you like giving speeches and stuff, but not everything is black and white. Clyde: Yeah, I mean, it's fine you wanna go preach about Caitlyn Jenner, but you can't just make blanket statements about letting anyone do whatever they want. Kyle: I didn't even want to give that speech! Cartman: [interrupting] Yeah, yeah, this is interesting. Have you guys read Genesis Thirty-four? Butters: Uhn-un. Cartman: Well, it's intriguing, because in Genesis Thirty-four, the Jews actually did something similar to what Kyle is doing now. Kyle: Uh I'm not responsible for this! Illegal immigration has been happening forever. Cartman: But it's happening a lot more now. After you decide to give a big speech about Caitlyn Jenner. Because you want to bring down the cultural fabric of America. 'Cause you're a Jew. Kyle: You guys, immigrants, either legal or illegal, are always gonna find ways to cross into richer countries if they're not living- Stan: [briefly puts his left hand over his nose] Oh boy, here we go again. [the other boys leave as well] Cartman: Yeah, I'm out. Butters: Yeah, sorry. I can't listen to another one either. [Kyle is left alone, bewildered] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, a different classroom, evening. There are watermarks everywhere, so this room hasn't been used for a while Mr. Stkrdknmibalz: Happy evening, friends. My name is Mr. Stkrdknmibalz, (stick-yer-dick-in-my-balls) and we are going to learn Canadian. [Garrison shifts in his seat] With a lot of practice, you're going to find that speaking Canadian isn't so difficult. And in fact, our alphabet and yours are fairly similar. So why don't we begin singing it together? [Clears his throat] A B C D E F Guy H I J K L M N O Buddih Q R S T U Fwiend W X Eh! And [farts] These are Canadian ABCs Susie likes hairy balls. Whattaya think of these? Alright, now everyone! Class: [begins singing] A B C D E F Guy H I J K L M N O Buddih Q R S T U Fwiend W X Eh And [Mr. Garrison begins to daydream] Scene Description: Montage: Mr. Garrison on a bridge overlooking a river. he sees several Canadians enjoying themselves in inner tubes in the river. He sighs and walks away. Next, he's in line to get into the DMV during the day, but the line is full of Canadians. Next, new STOP signs go up that now have BUDDY under the STOP. Mr. Garrison is at the intersection waiting for the green light. A truck pulls up with a bunch of kids in the truck bed, no seat belts. Next, he's at the old town bar singing on a corner stage and playing a guitar. The regulars hold up their fists in solidarity. Next, he passes by a food cart. The cook there is selling beaver tails for five dollars. Then he passes by a newly-sold house with a Canadian couple cheering their purchase. Then he's back at the bar, with more listeners holding up lighters in solidarity. Next, he looks out his window and finds a bunch of supporters on his lawn pleading for him to lead them. Next, he walks by some Canadian kids playing street hockey, then he passes by the school Mr. Garrison: Where has my country gone? Where has my country gone? It was a land of opportunity that we held dear But now all these other assholes are comin' here. And where's my country gone? It was just here like, two seconds ago. 'Cause when they said that this was the land of the free I'm pretty sure that they were referring to me And my country's gone! It got upset and now it's wandered away It took 43 Presidents to make us stand tall And just one black guy to unravel it all Country gone! Please tell it that we need her back home. There's a great big hole in the liberty bucket 'Cause someone forgot to tell the foreigners to suck it! And now they're all hanging out on my lawn... [trumpets come up and play "Feels So Good"] And now they're ruining my song Makin' it sound like Chuck Mangione [trumpets fade out] Where has my country gone? Scene Description: Montage ends, and the camera settles on Mr. Garrison leading a rally at the town square, with his supporters around him. Mr. Garrison: Seems like everyone's afraid to speak the truth around here! Well I'm throwin' my hat in and sayin' I'll figure this thing out! Now I might not understand politics, or immigration policies, or... the law. Or basic... ideological... concepts. But dammit I understand there there's a bunch of Canadians here and I'm gonna do somethin' about it! [applause and cheers] Scene Description: South Park Elementary gymnasium. PC Principal has called the student body in and put the Canadians on the basketball court and the Americans on the bleachers. The Canadian kids are standing in two lines. The front line wear different costumes that represent different time periods and icons in Canadian history, including the First Settlers of Canada, foreign explorers, a Mountie and a Canadian soldier. The second line consists of a band and choir. PC Principal: Alright everyone, listen up. In order for better understanding we've asked students of Canadian origin to introduce you to their culture and [spots a disturbance in the stands] HEY LESLIE! SHUT YOUR FUCKIN' MOUTH! [Leslie stops whispering into her friend's ear and looks at PC Principal] - to introduce you to their culture and customs. So let's give them our undivided attention as they take us on a whirlwind journey through their diverse history. Three students dressed in Native American garb: We are the Hopewell and Abenaki, first settlers of Canadian soil- Kindergartner: Guy. Five students dressed in European clothing: We are French and British explorers, seeking furs and goods. [Mr. Garrison walks up and takes the mic] Mr. Garrison: Yeah, and I'm Dan Rather, and I got news for you! Nobody wants you here! [the gym is silent] Sorry not sorry! It's time for someone to say it like it is, and make our country great again! PC Principal: Garrison, what do you think you're-? Mr. Garrison: And I'm also not afraid to stand up to PC Principal! You, sir, have a pizza face and you suck your mom's dick! PC Principal: That's it Garrison! You are fired from South Park Elementary! Mr. Garrison: Oh, see? And now I'm fired! That's the cold, hard truth of immigration! Well there's only one immigration policy that I believe in, and that's fuck 'em all to death! [the students gasp] I'm just sayin' what everyone's thinkin' here kids!, Sorry not sorry![The school hallway, moments later. The Canadian kids walk out of school in anger] Stan: Dude, the Canadians are pissed off. Token: Can you really blame them? Butters: What made Mr. Garrison do that? Cartman: Guys, what if this was all exactly what Kyle planned? Get the Canadians here, make them feel persecuted, and then what? Uprisings? Rebellion? Next thing you know, they're sending us to camps and using us as livestock! Butters: You really think Kyle would do that? Stan: That doesn't matter. We have to think of a way to smooth this over, fast. Cartman: Yeah, we're gonna need a symbolic union. Token: A what? Cartman: You know, what's that story about the two sides that were fighting and, then a guy from one side got with a girl from the other side and their love sort of brought the groups together? Butters: Lion King II? Cartman: [snaps his fingers and points to Butters] Yes, Lion King II. I mean, if we can get one of us to go out with one of them - probably, have sex - then it could be a symbol of us all getting along. Craig: Yeah, it's kind of like when the princess of one country marries the prince of another. Kyle: Oh, come on, this is stupid. You guys, when two groups of people don't understand each other you can't just try and diffuse the tension with a little- Cartman: Is he seriously? Is he seriously giving a speech right now? [all quiet] Is he SERIOUSLY giving a speech right now?! [the other boys look back at Kyle angrily, and Kyle is left speechless] This is gonna have to happen pretty fast, so whoever's gonna do it needs to ask a Canadian girl out soon. 1 2 3 Not it. Stan, Craig, Kenny, Clyde, Token: [one after the other] Not it! Butters: No, no. Not it! Oh. OH SHIT! Scene Description: CNN report. Anchor Tom: Support is growing for a Colorado man who claims the way to deal with illegal immigrants is to fuck them all to death. We go live to Minnesota. Scene Description: Niagara Falls, Minnesota, day. Mr. Garrison goes around greeting supporters and waving to them or the camera Field reporter: Tom, the political activist is going around the country to get support for his agenda, and- Uh Mr. Garrison, you believe the immigration problem is easy to solve? Mr. Garrison: Yes. Fuck them all to death. Let'a make this country great again. [cheers swell from his supporters] Field reporter: And when you say "Fuck them all to death," what are you actually suggesting be done? Mr. Garrison: I'm suggesting we round them all up, pull down their pants, and fuck them until their spirits leave their bodies! Supporter 1: [wearing a Snap Right Tools cap] USA! Mr. Garrison: And then, after we've fucked every last one of 'em to death, we build a big wall! And if anyone comes over the wall, we fuck them to death too! And then we fuck to death all the- Tom: Uh Dan? Dan? We're getting word that a wall has already been built. [to the control booth] Is that right? Yes? Yeah- CNN is confirming that Canada has built a wall to keep us out. Mr. Garrison: What do you mean they built a wall?! They can't build a fucking wall! Oh, fuck them to death! Scene Description: [Moments later, Garrison and his supporters rush to the border in their cars, where they are met with a very tall wall. A lone guard sits atop the 40-foot wall, and the Americans get out of their cars] Guard: Hey there! Beautiful day, isn't it? Mr. Garrison: What the hell is this?! Guard: Oh this? This is a wall. Sorry buddih, nobody allowed in. Jimbo: Can they do that? Mr. Garrison: Look, we came to speak with your government about that Guard: Yeah, no, sorry! Everything past here is ours. You can't, you can't go past, past here. Mr. Garrison: We're Americans! We don't even want to be over there! What do you think we're gonna do? Guard: Well, you know, we just don't want you ... raping our women and stuff. Supporter 2: That is ridiculous! [crosses his arms] Mr. Garrison: All right, smartass! That's just about enough- Guard: Look, there's just some really cool shit back here and we don't feel like sharing it. Mr. Garrison: [suddenly curious] Cool shit like what? Guard: Don't worry aboot it. Mr. Garrison: No! What's back there? Let me see! Jimbo: [pulling him back] It's all right, Garrison. Mr. Garrison: No! Goddammit, let me see! Scene Description: South Park Elementary playground, day. The Americans and Canadians have separated into their own cliques. Cartman and Butters stand between the groups checking out the Canadian girls. Butters is still pissed that he lost Cartman: What about that one? In the glasses? She's kinda hot. Butters: She's not hot! She looks like a messed-up cucumber with wieners on it! Cartman: All right, how about the lanky one, there? Ooo, ooo, What about the one in the hat? She kind of looks like Alanis Morissette, huh? Butters: Alanis Morissette is like 80 years old or something! [stomps his right foot down on the snow] Jeez! Cartman: Okay, Bu-Butters, relax. Butters: Well I don't want a Canadian girlfriend, Eric! Cartman: Okay. Do you just want a race war? Butters: No! The one in the white shoes isn't that ugly. Cartman: Okay, go fuck the one in the white shoes. Butters: Okay! [walks over to the bench with the girl in white shoes next to it] Hi, my name's Butters, what's yours. Charlotte: I'm Charlotte. [her friends giggle] Butters: Oh Charlotte, I've never done this before. You think Scar's up there? He wasn't my father, but he's still part of me. Oh no, Simba, we have barely begun. We'll run away together and ... and...? Cartman: [satisfied with the way Butters interaction is playing out. To himself] And start a pride all of our own. Scene Description: CNN Report, at the Canadian border. Dan, the field reporter, is updating Dan: Tom, the scene at the Canadian border is electric as several political leaders try and strategize how to deal with being shut out of Canada. [in the background three podiums appear on the road right in front of the wall. Garrison and two other leaders step up to the mics.] Male politician: If the Canadian government wants to put up a wall, they have every right. Female politician: And yet, we must ask why they thought this to be necessary. Mr. Garrison: No, fuck them and fuck you! [points at the female politician] I wanna see if they have really cool shit back there! Female politician: What we need is a- Mr. Garrison: No! [points at the female politician] You've got a gaping gash [points at the male politician] and you've got vinegary balls! The Canadians can't do this! Don't they realize that hundreds of thousands of their people are over here illegally? Guard: Oh, you guys didn't put up a wall? Mr. Garrison: And you keep your goddamned mouth shut, smart-ass! I'll deal with you! [cheers and applause from his supporters. He turns to face them.] I get things done, and I'm gettin' back there! [more cheers and applause] Scene Description: An outdoor mall in South Park. Butters returns with some ice cream for himself and Charlotte. Butters: Here you go. Charlotte: Thanks, Butters. I'm sore-y I didn't know what ice cream was. Butters: What's "sore-y"? Charlotte: Well that's what Canadians say to express remorse. Butters: Oh. Heh, he-hey, heh that's neato. [his cell phone rings] Oh. Eh, hang on Charlotte, one sec. [walks off a bit and picks up] What do you want?! Cartman: Have you given her the old Hot Cosby yet? Butters: No, we saw a movie and now we're goin' to the park. Cartman: Butters, we don't have time for that! I told you you have to cut to the chase with a Hot Cosby! Butters: If I'm gonna be with this girl, I don't want her someday thinking it was all super-rushed! Cartman: Nobody cares about forty years from now when she suddenly changes her mind, Butters! Time is of the essence! We're all gonna die! [hangs up. Butters returns to Charlotte] Charlotte: Everything all right? Butters: Yeah, just some work-related stuff. Charlotte: So hey, I wanted to see if you wanted to come over to my house for dinner tomorrow. Butters: [getting nervous] Oh boy, yes I'd love to, here we go, oh God. Scene Description: Niagara Falls National Park. The camera looks at the falls and then pans to the left to show Mr. Garrison being lowered into a barrel by Jimbo and Ned. Mr. Garrison: Okay that's, that's good. Watch the balls. Okay, all right, give me the helmet. [Jimbo reaches down and hands the helmet to Mr. Garrison] We'll see what they've got behind that goddamned wall! [turns around to face his supporters] You know what I am, friends? I'm a doer. Supporters: Yeah. Yeah, that's right. Mr. Garrison: Canada says we can't go into their country, I'm going into their country! And when I do, I am fucking every last Canadian... so hard! [cheers and applause] All right, let's do this! [drops down into the barrel. Jimbo and Ned seal it up. Several supporters lift the barrel up over their shoulders and carry it to the railing] Supporters: USA USA USA USA USA! [they throw it into the river and watch it approach the falls] USA USA USA! [the barrel goes over the falls and breaks up a few seconds later. Jimbo screams] USA US-! Jimbo: Aww, he's dead. Scene Description: Charlotte's house, evening. Butters is her guest for dinner. She has a grandmother living with her, as well as a brother and sister Dad: So young man, I understand that you and my daughter have started a romance. Butters: Well uh, well yes, sir. Dad: And I suppose you have a thing for Canadian girls, huh? Is that it? You've got maple fever? Charlotte: Ey, daddy! Dad: I'm sore-y, Charlotte, but I get suspicious. It's bad enough we have to live in America, now all the boys with maple fever are gonna wanna have at our daughter. Mom: That's enough, Thomas! Butters: W-wait, you don't wanna be here? Charlotte: Why would we want to be here? Butters: Wuh well, you know, 'cause everything is great here, and we have cool stuff. Thomas: Canada has everything. It's the greatest country on Earth. Butters: But- so- then, why did you leave? Thomas: [sighs and gets up from the his chair, and walks over to a window] There were several candidates during the Canadian elections. One of them was this brash asshole who just spoke his mind. He didn't really offer any solutions, he just said outrageous things. we... thought it was funny. [the mom begins to cry quietly, and her son comforts her] Nobody really thought he'd ever be President. It was a joke! But we just let the joke go on for too long. He kept gaining momentum, and by the time we were all ready to say "Okay, let's get serious now. Who should really be President?" he was already being sworn into office. [turns around] We weren't paying attention. [collapses and begins to cry, bumping into the table against the window] We weren't paying attention! [lets out all his tears and the family gathers around him to comfort him.] Butters: Jeez, how bad can a president be? Scene Description: Back in Canada, the new President, a middle-age man resembling a likeness to Donald Trump, sits at his desk. Mr. President: If certain people want to leave this country, then let them! You tell those pussy homos they can suck my balls! Johnson: But Mr. President- Mr. President: And tell the Prime Minister of China that HE can suck my balls! Oh, and Johnson? Johnson: Mr. President? Mr. President: Suck my balls. Scene Description: Charlotte's backyard, after dinner. The yard is more like a garden, with flowers everywhere, swaying gently in the breeze. She and Butters are on a bench swing holding hands Charlotte: I'm sore-y about my papa. He can be really emotional sometimes. Butters: You don't got to be sore-y. It's me who should be sore-y. I think everyone has the wrong idea about your people, Charlotte. Charlotte: It's okay. We just have to give them time. Butters: I wasn't supposed to have time. I was supposed to give you a Hot Cosby, so our species could coexist. But now I realize you guys don't even wanna be here. Charlotte: Oh.. so do you want to be here? Now? Butters: There's really nowhere I'd rather be. [smiles] If it's okay with you, well I'd like to try a nice Slow Cosby instead. Charlotte: In Canada, we call a Slow Cosby ... love. [kisses Butters on the cheek. Butters strokes it and smiles again] Oh look! [a meteorite zooms across the sky] A shooting star! In Canada, we say that's... good luck. Butters: So do we. Scene Description: A concrete channel with a slow-moving river running through it on the Canadian side of the border. Mr. Garrison comes to, groans, and slowly gets up. He leaves the channel and finds himself looking at an abandoned Canadian city. Mr. Garrison: Hello? [his voice echoes through the canyon of high-rises in the city. He walks by an empty coffee shop with a loose door banging in the wind. He hears a man sobbing, but sees abandoned cars, paper strewn everywhere, trash... he finds the man sitting on the roof of a 13-story law office building] Man: Oh God! Oh God! Mr. Garrison: Hey! Where is everyone, guy? [the man sobs some more and then stands and jumps to his death.] Jeez. Scene Description: Montage. As "Safety Dance" plays, Mr. Garrison walks through an empty mall and notices an escher-esque assortment of escalators there. Mr. President is dancing away. Mr. Garrison sees the activity and walks over, not sure what to make of it all. Mr. President notices him and stops Mr. President: What?! Hey! How did a US citizen get past my wall?! Mr. Garrison: I came here to find out where my country gone! Mr. President: Where your country gone? Where my country gone?! Mr. Garrison: No, where my country gone, bitch?! Mr. President: Nobody talks to me like that, buddih! [goes around his desk] Mr. Garrison: Nobody talks to me like that, fwiend! [they begin to fight on the carpet. Mr. Garrison takes the President down and wrestles with him until the President is face down] Eurgh! Yeah? Mr. President: Stupid-! Unh! Mr. Garrison: Little asshole! Mr. President: This is why I built that wall! Mr. Garrison: You think you can-? [grabs the back of the President's head and slams it down] Hey! Here you go! Here you go! [keeps beating the President down] Look, guy, I came here to do one thing! [takes off his own swim suit and begins raping the President] Mr. President: Hey, what the-? Aah! Hey, that pokes, buddih! Aah! Aide: Oh my God, guy. Mr. President: Please! Please, I can't- Oh. NO! No please, NO! NO! [Garrison inhales some poppers, then resumes the raping with increased vigor] Ohhh! Ohhh! Nooo! Scene Description: Charlotte's house, the dining table. Butters and Charlotte share a tall milk shake. Thomas and his wife look on from the doorway, holding hands Mom: Oh look at them, Thomas. I think they really like each other. Thomas: Yes, I have to admit. It seems they're falling in Slow Cosby. [someone knocks on the front door] I'll get it. [goes to the front door and opens it] Canadian 6: Hey, did you hear the news, buddih? The Canadian Presidents been fucked to death! Canadian 7: [across the street] Yes! Yes! Thomas: What? Are you sure? Mom: What is it, Thomas? Thomas: The Canadian President got fucked to death, darling. Mom: Oh my goodness! Should we go back to Canada then? Thomas: Yes, I guess let's go back! [and so the Canadians start packing up and moving out. The Marshes stand outside their house looking at the exodus] Canadians: See ya! Bye! It's been real, guy! See ya, guy! [once they're all gone, Butters appears on the road chasing after Charlotte] Butters: Charlotte! Charlotte: I'll Skype you when I'm home, my love! [soon she's too far away] Butters: Ah, I should have done the Hot Cosby. Scene Description: South Park town square. Mr. Garrison is back on stage, his supporters cheering and applauding him again Supporter 3: [voice only] You did it, Garrison! Supporter 4: [voice only] Thank you, Garrison! Mr. Garrison: Friends. I think I've proven that my policies work to get things done. I know what my true calling is, and I'm gonna keep this goin' all the way to Washington. Kyle: [gets up on stage to clear his name] Hold on, wait! It wasn't me! I wasn't the one who brought the Canadians here! It was something just like this. Don't you see? If there's anything we've learned, it's that we have to stop this kind of sensationalist politics before the same thing happens to us, because if we let this kind of... [stops himself] this... kind of... [the crowd looks at him, annoyed] Cartman: Dude! Stan: Unbelievable! [Kyle turns left and walks off stage] Mr. Garrison: All right, my friends. I have to say goodbye now, because I'm off to Washington with my running mate! [the camera shows whom the running mate is as Garrison gets into the passenger seat] Caitlyn Jenner: Buckle up, buckaroo! [Revs up and speeds away. Almost immediately a young woman crosses her path and she runs her over, thoroughly killing her under her wheels. The crowd cheers and applauds.]

Scene Description: The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. Fallon is going into his monologue Jimmy Fallon: Okay okay okay. So this guy is running for President and he hates immigrants, and he's basically an idiot. [the audience laughs throughout] Not surprisingly, this guy is from a predominantly white town called South Park, Colorado. Or Shit-heads of America, Incorporated, I'm not sure. Yeah, if this guy is the best their town has to offer, can you imagine who he left behind? [affecting a hick accent] "Oh hey, I'm from South Park! We don't take kindly to respecting human beings!" [a shot of Randy and Sharon watching from the sofa with their jaws dropped] You, you think South Park has a university? "Welcome to South Park University." [a shot of Gerald and Sheila in bed, watching with jaws dropped] "Please open your shotguns and slap your wives!" [a shot of Butters watching the show on the phone, in bed. He's crying quietly] "I live in South Park and my IQ's so low I've got's ta dig for it. Hey, did someone say 'rape?' That's the word for 'clever' here in South Park" [the camera is back on Randy and Sharon] Randy: [turns off the TV] That's not funny. [gets up and walks away.] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Kids are walking around in the hallway. Stan goes to his locker as Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman stand in front of the lockers on the other side of the hallway, their heads hanging in shame. Butters joins them, also ashamed, and Stan closes his locker to join them all. Stan: So not cool. How does someone just rip on us like that? Kyle: I can't believe Jimmy Fallon hates us. Jimmy Fallon loves everything. Why would he slam our whole town? Cartman: Because apparently he doesn't care that his jokes are at the expense of actual people. Butters: Well do you think it's true? Do you think we're really bigoted country bumpkins? Cartman: No. [steps forward] Hey, we are not bumpkins! Okay?! Kenny's a bumpkin! Kenny: (Well fuck you, dude!) Cartman: We don't have junk cars in our yards, that's just your family, Kenny! [Kyle is about to defend Kenny, but Stan speaks up] Stan: I just hope somebody finds a way to fix this. Scene Description: South Park City Hall, day, the Mayor's office. Mayor McDaniels: I've called you all here because South Park has an image problem. Thanks to Mr. Garrison we are now being referred to as the shit-heads of America. One of our more politically sensitive citizens has proposed an idea for this crisis and I'd like you to hear him out. Randy: [takes the dais as the Mayor steps aside] Hello everyone, I'm Randy Marsh, and I've been PC for almost two weeks now. You know, we've all been making changes to be more socially conscious, but have we really done enough? The truth is, there's something we're lacking as a community, and it's time we all faced it. What this town needs... is a Whole Foods. [a lot of chatter springs up in the audience.] It would instantly validate us as a town that cares about stuff. Stephen: We couldn't get a Whole Foods to open here. Randy: And why not?! Huh?! We all just don't believe we could get a Whole Foods! Because we don't believe in ourselves! Fr. Maxi: Where could it even go?! Randy: Mayor? Mayor McDaniels: I'm announcing a plan for SoDoSoPa. [presses a remote control and a picture of the logo comes up.] A new urban development that will turn the most rundown and dilapidated part of our town into a quaint center of artisan shops and cafes. Randy: Lots of cities are dong this. The area south of Downtown South Park has always been the ugly eyesore of this town. But now, SoDoSoPa... is going to bring in the fresh new vibrancy that Whole Foods can't ignore. Scene Description: The SodoSoPa site, later. An architect is there with a select group of people, including the Mayor, Johnson, Wendy's mom, Randy, Linda, and three others Architect: We'll keep the existing structures, but add brick walkways and some quaint white lights. A plaza in the middle will be a place where young couples can play with their toddlers. [a shot of the site, which is Kenny's house, which has warped windows and broken stucco all around. Kenny hears the conversation and peeks out the front window] And it will all be small businesses like artisan cheese shops or noodle houses. Randy: Oh, this is really exciting. I thought this area was just gonna stay shitty forever. [Kenny walks to the kitchen, where he sees Stuart drinking a beer and reading a magazine.] Kenny: (Hey Dad, there's these fucking people outside.) Stuart: Who is? [gets up and walks to the front door, opens it and sees the group] Mayor McDaniels: So you think you'll keep all the existing structures? Architect: I do. It's part of what gives a revitalized area like this its charm that the hipsters like. Stuart: Hey, what are you people doing?! Randy: We're gentrifying. It's all good. Scene Description: Park County Community Center, day. Another meeting about this project. Randy: Okay, hold on, everyone listen up! We understand that not everyone is for the town spending money on the SoDoSoPa project. We want everyone to be able to voice their concerns. [Only the McCormicks are present] Stuart: [stands up] Yeah I got concerns! I don't want you touching my damn house! Johnson: We realize that when a rejuvenation like this takes place, the lower-income residents fear they'll be priced out of the area. Stuart: What lower-income residents?! Me?! I work hard and provide for my family just fine! Randy: Stuart, come on. Your house sucks. Stuart: Fuck you! If you people wanna turn somethin' into a vibrant arts district, then do it to Randy's house! Randy: My house is nice. Aide: Mr. McCormick, you will be living in the most vibrant part of the entire town. SoDoSoPa is the future of South Park. Johnson: There will be amazing food and incredible shops right at your doorstep. Mayor McDaniels: And we want to assure the lower-income families that we are going to take the time to do this right. Scene Description: The SodoSoPa project is now complete, and a new eatery is shown. The Broflovskis and the Stotches are having dinner together Waiter: Alright guys, welcome to Steed. Do we have any allergies? Stephen: No, nothing. And we we wanna try everything! [Det. Harris and Officer Barbrady are dining at another table] Det. Harris: Wow, can you believe this place? Officer Barbrady: Yeah, the food is unbelievable. [Randy and Nelson are at the bar] Randy: It's like a dream come true, Nelson. This area is gonna put our town on the map. [the camera pulls back and Steed is shown on the second floor of a mall that has been built on the McCormick house. A narrow entrance between the house and the garage leads to a patio where the backyard used to be, and there are more shops beyond that. Stuart steps outside and dumps his garbage in an aluminum trash can] Scene Description: City Wok, night. It's empty, and Tuong Lu Kim reflects on the changes in his business. He's smoking and holds a cup in his left hand while ambient Oriental music plays Tuong Lu Kim: I don't know what happen all my customers. I used to have a-people come in here, fill every table. Now it's like a-nobody want anything to do with my authentic shitty food. This town is changing so fast, you know? [a lone man sits by the window eating dinner. There are no other customers] This town is changing so fast, everybody wan be PC, be updated. It's like I'm a reric. A rost reric from another time. You know? I dunno, sometime I feel like I outstayed my welcome. Is just how I feel, you know? Diner: Uh huh. Tuong Lu Kim: It's like a-my accent make people uncomftable or something. How a Chinese man is supposed to survive in this world? [the door opens] Oh, welcome oh Shitty Wok, a take ur order prease? Man: [turns left and walks up to the diner] Hey Mike, whatcha doin' man? The guys are all meetin' down at SoDoSoPa. Mike: At what? Man: They've totally revitalized this area south of Downtown, you've gotta check it out! [turns and walks out] Mike: Oh sweet, dude. [gets up and follows his friend out the door] Tuong Lu Kim: SoDoSoPa? What the hell is a SoDoSoPa? Scene Description: SodoSoPa, moments later. Tuong Lu Kim arrives to see the place for himself Tuong Lu Kim: What the fuuuck! Scene Description: SodoSoPa, Kenny's house. All the family is in the living room, bored as the music thumps away around them Karen: Mommy, can we go eat outside? Carol: No, we can't go eat outside. Karen: But Mommy, they have ice cream. [points outside] Stuart: We can't afford $10 ice cream, alright?! If you want nice things, then go out and get a JOB! Except you won't make MONEY! [Karen gets off the sofa with her head down and goes to her room] Because you just BUST your ASS and then barely get by while everyone around you gets RICHER! [Kenny glares at his dad, then gets up and follows Karen] Just face it: things are never gonna change around here. Scene Description: The Mayor's office, next day. The mayor and a bunch of townsfolk are waiting on Randy, who's at the desk about to place a call Johnson: What's he gonna say? Fr. Maxi: Maybe they won't even answ- [the Mayor shushes them both as Randy waits for a pickup] Randy: Hi, um, yes, my name is Randy Marsh, and um, we would like to try and get a Whole Foods in our town? ... Yes, that's right. Aaah, yes, it's ah, South Park, Colorado. Nonononono! Nononononono! [continues this for some time] It's not at all what you think! Yes, it's where the Presidential candidate is from-Nonononono! Nononononono! Hold on! Hold on, hold on! SoDoSoPa! SoDoSoPa! We have a SoDoSoPa and the town is completely different! SoDoSoPa! We have an arts and entertainment district! Cultural! Yes. Okay. Okay, yes, I, I understand. Thank you. [hangs up and gathers his thoughts] They said they maybe might send over a representative. [a moment later everyone cheers. Randy hugs the Mayor.] Scene Description: First commercial, montage of live-action scenes Voice: [Deep] There's a certain quality, vibe, and energy that is SoDoSoPa. From the independent merchants and unique cafes to the rustic charm of a mixed-income crowd. [the camera pans to Kenny and Stuart, who are annoyed. A couple is dancing at Savor the Goodness as Kevin and Karen look on through a window. Their mom comes up and pulls the blinds down, then back to live action] Where else can you let loose your wild side while still being a part of helping the local economy? [a shot of the whole family looking out at the diners. The parents are mad] And now, a chance to own a piece of this most exciting area of South Park. Announcing: the Lofts at SoDoSoPa. Two thousand square foot of flats that will put you right in the heart of it all. After a night out eating and shopping in SoDoSoPa, just take a few steps and you're home. With modern styling these lofts are sleek, sexy, and oh so SoDoSoPa. And for those very privileged few, the most private and exclusive ownership opportunity is here. Announcing the Residences at the Lofts at SoDoSoPa. Now you can have access to luxury refined while still just steps away from the action. These finely appointed residences all feature state-of-the art finishes and balconies with views of historic Kenny's house. It's a place to laugh. It's a place to gather. A place to mingle with people of all economic classes. And now, it's a place to live. SoDoSoPa. Welcome Home. Scene Description: South Park, day. Kenny walks down a sidewalk and notices a sign asking for help - child help. He takes it from the window and enter City Wok with it Tuong Lu Kim: And we are going to take a-business back from a-SoDoSoPa! [notices Kenny with the sign] Ah, hello, you here for job? Prease join the others prease. [he already has a crew of seven kids. Kenny joins the crew] Some say I cannot survive in today's world. But if there's one asset that a Chinese man has, it's the tactical use of a child rabor. And together, child rabor force, we are gong to bring a SoDoSoPa to its knees. Scene Description: Morning in South Park. New signs are being put up to replace aging ones in Downtown, walls are being painted, flowers bought. Tom is cleaning the windows at his rhinoplasty office, and the town gathers in front of Tom's Rhinoplasty. Bleachers are in place, and the kids take up seats in them Mayor McDaniels: This is it, people! This is what we've all been working for! The future of our town depends on us being on our best behavior! No swearing, no weirdness, and no speeches! [everyone looks at Kyle, who motions as if to say something] Johnson: He's coming! Mayor McDaniels: Go! go! Everyone in place! [all the adults gather by Tom's Rhinoplasty] Townsman: Oh look! [a female conductor leads the kids in a rendition of "He's Got The Whole World In His Hands" A car pulls up and a Whole Foods Market representative steps out. At this point, the song ends] Mayor McDaniels: [approaches] Hello, sir. On behalf of everyone here in South Park, please let me say we are very excited to be in consideration- Whole Foods rep: [ignores her] Everyone, please go about your business! I need to see this town in its normal goings on, to see if it is indeed a Whole Foods town. Scene Description: City Wok, day. Mr. Kim's child laborers are hard at work cleaning up the restaurant. A girl is up on a ladder cleaning one of the lanterns Tuong Lu Kim: [comes in from the left side] Okay, rooking good, child rabor force. [claps three times] We gonna make a Shitty Wok an updated and a beautiful. [heads back towards the kitchen and sings] Tuong Lu Kim: [comes in from the left side] Okay, rooking good, child rabor force. [claps three times] We gonna make a Shitty Wok an updated and a beautiful. [heads back towards the kitchen and sings] Let's go child rabor force, let's go! [returns to the dining area] No no, Dennis, you don't use a too much cleaner on the table. That stuff expensive. Now risten everybody! This is a big day! We gonna take the business back from a-SoDoSoPa! And how we gonna do it, child rabor force?! That's right, by taking pride in our work! With the way this prace is looking, we gonna have people rushing in any second! Man 2: [voice only] Okay, everyone go about your business. Tuong Lu Kim: Oh! Here they come! Man 3: [voice only] Everyone act normal. No, don't act normal, act good! Tuong Lu Kim: There they go. [runs to the entrance] Wait, wait! [runs outside] Shitty Wok! Take ur order prease?! Take ur- [quiet voice, as no one comes back] Take ur order ... prease? [a different camera angle shows a Red Lobster across the street from City Wok and Skeeter's Bar and Cocktails down the road.] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The Mayor gives the Whole Foods representative a tour of the school Mayor McDaniels: The previous principal of the school was let go so that someone more progressive could take over. PC Principal: [stands up] Hey bro, I'm the new principal of the school. My name's PC Principal. Whole Foods rep: P.C. Principal. I like that. So you've just recently moved here? PC Principal: That's right. Whole Foods rep: And do you believe this town is deserving of a Whole Foods? PC Principal: You know, I think it's changed a lot. I really do. I've seen some real progress. Definitely had some holdouts - people who went kicking and screaming into 2015, but yes, I think they deserve it. Whole Foods rep: Mmmmm-hm. [turns around] Show me a classroom please. Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's former classroom, Fourth Grade, moments later. A new female teacher is giving the class a lesson. she's sitting on a stool and shows the class some pictures from an open book. Teacher: But if Pluto isn't a planet, who can tell me what it is? [the door opens and the Mayor and representative walk in] Oh, hello. Mayor McDaniels: This is our new fourth-grade teacher. She's very normal and professional. Whole Foods rep: Please continue as if I am not here. Teacher: Okay, so uhh children, anyone wanna tell me what Pluto is classified as? [the Whole Foods Rep walks across the floor towards the windows] Anybody? Okay. [the Whole Foods Rep walks back] Well, Pluto is actually a dwarf planet. [Kyle and Stan look at each other] That means it's neither a planet nor a natural satellite, okay? Whole Foods rep: [to the Mayor] Is there a reason why the children with disabilities and black child are front and center? ["...like the moon. Who can tell me how big the moon is?"] Mayor McDaniels: Oh no, that's just where they always sit, next to our beloved Craig there, who is a homosexual. [Craig hears this and looks at her angrily. "Is it bigger? Smaller? Anyone wanna take a guess"] Whole Foods rep: Mmmmm-hm. Mayor McDaniels: Uh, can, can I show you the most exciting part of town? Scene Description: SoDoSoPa, day. The place is bustling, as usual. The Mayor and the Whole Foods Rep arrive to have a look Mayor McDaniels: This is historic SoDoSoPa. It's our vibrant and charming arts and foods district. [Kenny is shown coming home from school. He opens the door, sees them, goes inside, and slams the door shut] Whole Foods rep: Hmmm, I enjoy how you've retained the lower-income housing with the updated and quaint urban developments. Mayor McDaniels: That's really what our town is about. [Randy arrives with Stephen] Randy: Oh, hello again. Stephen and I were just heading to SoDoSoPa to enjoy some specialty foods. [the Whole Foods Rep turns around and looks at the vast open area across the street, and begins to survey it. Randy nudges Stephen a few times] Whole Foods rep: Hmmm. I have seen enough for today. I am weary. Where shall I sleep? Mayor McDaniels: Oh yes, of course, uh... Randy: Uh, well, tonight, you're at our Motel 6. But, we'd like to show you the plans for something extremely exciting. Scene Description: Second commercial Voice: You can't say "excitement" without saying "SoDoSoPa." The food, the art, the nightlife. With the Lofts and Residences at SoDoSoPa all the action was just a few steps away. But what if you could actually live in the most central location that SoDoSoPa has to offer? Well, now you can. Announcing: the Villas at Kenny's House. The most sought-after address in all of South Park for only the very privileged few. Now you can relax in your state-of-the-art deck spa while taking in views of that mixed SoDoSoPa culture. [a view of the back of Kenny's house. Stuart and Carol are fighting, and the new neighbors can see it] Stuart: Shut your damn mouth, bitch! Carol: You shut your mouth or I'll shut- Voice: But that's not all. The Villas at Kenny's house will also feature access to a private fitness center, clubhouse, and so much more. Plus a breezeway to the proposed Whole Foods just steps away. [PROPOSED WHOLE FOODS NOT YET CONFIRMED] The Villas at Kenny's House. Welcome Home. Scene Description: City Wok, night. Tuong Lu Kim sighs and works the cash register. He counts the day's earnings. Before him is Kenny, the one kid left after the day is done, mopping the floor Tuong Lu Kim: Hey, that's okay. We close. All the other child labor go home. Kenny: [stops mopping] (I just wanna make sure I get the floors as clean as I can.) Tuong Lu Kim: I like you, Dennis. You work a real hard. [hands Kenny a dollar] I wish I could give you more. You deserve more. [walks over to a window] But I think I'm gonna have to shut down. Now that a SoDoSoPa open, I'm the shitty part of town. And everyone hates the shitty part of town. Kenny: (Yeah. I know what you mean.) Tuong Lu Kim: Oh, what do you know about living in the shitty part of town, Dennis? Kenny: [drops the mop] (Hey, I have an idea.) Tuong Lu Kim: You have idea? Kenny: (I actually do!) Tuong Lu Kim: Oh! That's the spirit! Let's go child rabor! [clap clap clapclapclap] Let's go child rabor! [they both clap clap clapclapclap] Scene Description: A ranch in South Park, day. The the rancher, Mayor, and Whole Foods Rep stand behind a fence Whole Foods rep: So these are the cattle that the local shops and restaurants are supplied with. Rancher: Uh... these are local cows, yes. Whole Foods rep: And where does the butchery take place? Rancher: Uh, that's right over there. [a ranch hand shoots a cow in the head, killing it on the spot] Whole Foods rep: And are the bullets made from reclaimed metals? Mayor McDaniels: I believe they are. Rancher, could you make sure? Fr. Maxi: Randy, Stephen, we've got a big problem! The owner of City Wok has child labor making videos for him! Richard: What?? Randy: Oh Jesus! We forgot all about that guy! Bob: [sees the Whole Foods Rep turn around and nudges Randy] Shhh! Fr. Maxi: It's all over the place. He's tryin' to revitalize his rundown neighborhood! [the Mayor follows the rep's gaze] Randy: God, why do the economically challenged always have to screw up everything?! [turns around to face the Mayor] We're gonna head back to SoDoSoPa for some curious fusion delights. [turns around and leads the other three men away] Come on, we'll get that asshole! Scene Description: Third commercial Tuong Lu Kim: There's a new and exciting prace where people can gather to shop, experience and grow. This is an all-new food and nightrife district. This, is CtPaTown. Where else but CtPaTown can you get all the shitty hot spots and shitty food that South Park is known for? In the mood for some local seafood? Red Robster has all the freshest from Colorado's many oceans. Or if a handcrafted ale is more your thing, head on down to Skeeter's Bar for local ales like a Coors and a Coors Rite. And then, of course, there's Shitty Wok, South Park's historic Asian fusion randmark, featuring Shitty Chicken and Shitty Sour Soup. The state-of-the-art toiret is designed for men and women [just a regular toilet and bathroom. No urinal] and is a great prace for you to squeeze out all the shitty food you've enjoyed. Now South Park has another neighborhood to mingle and rerax. CtPaTown. Welcome Home. Scene Description: City Wok, day. Mr. Kim has all his workers there, waiting for the doors to open Tuong Lu Kim: Oh boy, get ready child rabor force! Any minute now, we gonna have a-customers up our ass! Townfolk: Get him! There he is! That son of a bitch! Get him! Stop him! Tuong Lu Kim: Oh boy, here they come! [turns to Kenny] You were right, Dennis! CtPaTown commercial did the trick! [heads back to the counter and turns around] Get ready for customers, child rabor force! [the adults rush in and fan out] Welcome Shitty Wok, take your order PREASE. [Fr. Maxi takes Tuong Lu Kim, Officer Barbrady takes Kenny] Kenny: (What. The. Fuck?!) [the other adults take the rest of the kids. They all rush out of the restaurant] Randy: Alright, take these kids and hide them in the- Kenny: (Come on, dude, I've gotta make some money!) Randy: Ow! You little-! [kicks Kenny down] Girl: Get him! [a massive fight breaks out between the adults and the child labor force] Tuong Lu Kim: Fight, child rabor force! Swing to the reft! Whole Foods rep: [shows up with the Mayor and clears his throat] Ahem, ahem! [all the fighting stops and Mayor McDaniels is dismayed at this bad behavior. The adults put the kids down and smile, the kids stay as they are] I've never seen a town put so much energy into displaying an exaggerated sense of social consciousness. Congratulations, you have your Whole Foods. [the adults cheer and disperse.] Tuong Lu Kim: Wait wait, anybody want a Shitty Chicken?? Anybody?? Take ur order prease??? [jumps a few times in frustration, then sighs] I'm sorry, Dennis. You rearry tried to help. I guess it's over. Come on inside. I'll pay you the child labor wage you deserve. Scene Description: Kenny's house at SoDoSoPa. Kenny goes home after work. He goes inside his house and passes by the TV, which is showing Hee Haw. The picture tends to flicker between color and black and white Stuart: [cynically] Well? Did you make any money? Kenny: [stops and looks down] (No, I didn't make any money.) [continues to the bedrooms] Stuart: Ha, told ya! That's how it works in this damned country. Scene Description: A bedroom. Kenny opens the door and looks in. Karen, who is sharing the room with Kevin, sits up in her bed and looks at Kenny Karen: [whispers as Kenny goes to her bed] What are you doing, Kenny? [Kenny takes off his backpack and opens it, pulling out a blonde Mama Baby doll. He hands it to her and she gasps in anticipation] Wow! This is mine? Kenny: [pats her knee] (It's yours, Karen.) [closes his backpack and puts it on, then leaves the bedroom. He stops to look at Karen take the doll out of its box] Karen: Hi. [Kenny closes the door and goes to his own room. He drops the backpack on the floor and goes straight to bed. Life outside at SoDoSoPa bustles on, with the thumping music.] Scene Description: Fourth commercial. City Wok is still here, but something new is next to it. It's the Whole Foods Market, which shows that CtPaTown got the store, not SoDoSoPa. The Stotches approach the store. A worker turns a sign around so that customers know the store is open. The Blacks are inside checking out loaves of bread. Officer Barbrady has purchased some meat at the meat counter. Gerald is walking a dog while Sheila pulls Ike around in a Radio Flyer. Kyle helps out. A young man passes Dr. Mephesto on a bike and waves hi to him. Darryl Weathers passes in front of Liane on his own bike. They wave hello to each other, smiling. Randy carries Stan, who is pointing out something to him Voice: There's a time when a town becomes more than it was. [Someone pours himself some coffee. Butters and Linda look at cakes. Mr. Mackey is chatting with the Mayor] When the people take that bold step into making things better. [a bearded worker glances at the camera. Craig points out some deli meats to him mom] To progress. [a shot of two child workers and their mother] To change. [another child worker and his parents] To not be what you were in the past. [a boy and his parents. Wendy glides by on her skateboard] This is a new place, ready for the next decade. [Sharon and Linda walk out with groceries] Updated, revitalized, [Kenny opens his front door and looks out. SoDoSoPa is abandoned, its signs falling down] and ready to fit in with the most progressive towns in America. [PC Principal lowers his Oakleys a bit and nods at the camera] This... is South Park. [a shot of the Mayor and Randy, with a few families, facing the camera at Whole Foods. Cartman and Kyle are in the background] Welcome Home. Cartman: Are the Mexicans actually staying? Kyle: Shhhh.

Scene Description: Morning in CtPaTown, renamed Shi Tpa Town. A bright sun rises over City Foods. People mill around all over the area. The Stotches walk past Skeeter's Wine Bar while the Tuckers, without Craig, walk towards Whole Foods. In the parking area in front of the store two old friends greet each other Gerald: Mornin' Randy! Randy: Mornin' Ger! Just another day in paradise, huh? Gerald: Yeah. Look at all the new restaurants the Whole Foods has brought in. [turns around and points at the restaurant behind them.] Let's try out that one there. [they walk towards it and reach the entrance. A greeter awaits them] Scene Description: (vernacular) Randy: Hi. Two of us. please? Greeter: Yeah, sorry guys. we got about a thirty minute wait. Gerald: [switches places with Randy] Oh, uh, scuse me. [whispers into the greeter's ear] Greeter: Yes, sir, give me a second; I'll have a table right away. [rolls his eyes and walks off] Randy: Whoa, what'd you say to him? Gerald: I just... told him who I am. Randy: Who are you? Gerald: [whips out his phone and shows Randy the Yelp app] I'm a yelp reviewer. I usually keep it on the down-low so they don't kiss my ass too much. Greeter: [returns and gets two menus] Right over here, sir. [takes them to their seats] Waiter: Alright guys, welcome to (vernacular) Gerald: Thanks, uh, did they mention to you that I am a Yelper? Waiter: Yes, we've been alerted. Sir. Gerald: Greeeat. Could you have them turn up the lights a little, please? [the waiter goes away] Randy: Oh, look at it, Gerald. All the new families moving in. [a new Mexican restaurant - Nueva Familia - is having its grand opening across the street] Our little town is all grown up. [Nueva Familia, across the street. A family-run restaurant. A boy sweeps up in the kitchen as his mother prepares some tacos on the griddle. His father rushes in.] Mr. Rodriguez: Where's that other taco plate? We need it now. Mrs. Rodriguez: I'm a little overwhelmed. Mr. Rodriguez: I know. But we've put everything into moving here and starting this business, and we have to be impressive. [walks up to the boy and gets down on one knee] David, you must help your mama however you can. We're not going back to that miserable place! Mr. Rodriguez: I don't wanna go back either. Mrs. Rodriguez: Okay, done. Mr. Rodriguez: Great! [rises and goes for the plates] We really have to impress this customer. He's a local food critic. [rushes the plates out to the dining area] Mrs. Rodriguez: Another one? Scene Description: The dining area. Cartman is eating away. Before him are three plates. One has two burritos, the second has two tacos and some chips and guacamole, the third has two enchiladas which he hasn't touched yet. Ambient Mexican music plays Mr. Rodriguez: [rushes to his table with two plates of food] Okay, here you go, amigo! Another taco plate and the taquitos. Cartman: Oh, thank you. And, uh did I mention I am a food critic for Yelp? Mr. Rodriguez: Yes, you mentioned that several times. Cartman: Okay, I just didn't want you caught off-guard. [whips out his phone] I was thinking of giving this place 5 stars. Mr. Rodriguez: Really? Cartman: [wiping his mouth clean with his napkin] Yeah, but I'm kind of teetering on 5 stars or 1 star. Mr. Rodriguez: Ohnono. No 1 star, please. What could we do to-? Cartman: Ah I mean, I could probably be persuaded with some free desserts. Mr. Rodriguez: Let me get that for you. Cartman: Great, and can you turn down the music a bit? [taps his left ear a few times] This pagan shit hurts my ears. Mr. Rodriguez: Of course! [turns around and hurries away. A spritz is heard, and the camera shows David wiping down a table. Cartman notices] Cartman: Oh hey, hey busboy. Busboy busboy, por favor. [snaps his fingers and whistles] Busboy! Davíd: My name is David. (Dah-veed) Cartman: Ehexcuse me? Davíd: I said my name is David. (Dah-veed) Cartman: Uhh, it's actually pronounced "David," okay? Davíd: Well, I'm "David." (Dah-veed) Cartman: It's "David," dude. Look it up. Mr. Rodriguez: [comes out with a flan and a sundae on a plate] What's going on? Do not argue, son. We need him. [walks to Cartman's table and sets the desserts down] Here you are, a few free desserts. [the front door opens and some bells are heard] Ho, excuse me. More customers! [goes away] Male food critic: [enters with his wife] Hi, two of us for lunch, please. Mr. Rodriguez: Yes, right away! Male food critic: Oh, and uh, I just wanted to mention that my wife and I are Yelp reviewers, so uh, your best table, please. Mr. Rodriguez: Oh Jeez, you guys too, huh? Ho-kay, uhm, I'll get you set up right over here, okay? [takes them past Cartman, who casts a critical eye] Cartman: Mmmhmmm! [The father takes them to a booth near Cartman] Male food critic: Hm, this place seems, nice. Female food critic: I guess we'll see. Male food critic: D'I guess we'll see, won't we? Cartman: Oh God, now everyone thinks they're a food critic. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway, day. Cartman puts his books in his locker and walks away when Butters catches him Butters: Did you get 'em? Did you get 'em? Did you get 'em? Huh? Cartman: [wearing a T-shirt that says "WARNING: YELP critic" on the front] Here you go. [takes a bag out of his back pocket and hands it to Butters] Butters: Whoooaaa. [opens the bag and begins eating what's inside.] Cartman: Crispy risotto bites from Olive Garden. Butters: How do you do it, Eric? Cartman: I'm a restaurant critic, Butters. I get whatever I want. Butters: Jeeeeezzz. [a second later, Kyle walks by with David] Kyle: So the cafeteria's back that way, and most of the classrooms are this way, down the-. Cartman: EEWW. [Kyle and David face him] What's the busboy doing here? Kyle: Davíd is new to our school. Cartman: Oh, cool. Are you gonna clean the tables here too? How do you get to school? [mimics a boy on a bicycle] Do you ride your tiny bicicleta? Huh? Kyle: Shut up. Cartman: Look amigo, I'm sorry I only gave your parents' restaurant 2 stars, but it could have been worse. Davíd: Why'd you only give them 2 stars? Cartman: I'm sorry, but the food totally messed my stomach up. The morning after I ate it I went to the bathroom and my poop was all solid. Like no water at all. Kyle: It's not supposed to have water you-! Cartman: It was like this one solid piece that I had to... push out my asshole. It was like being raped from the inside. Your parents' restaurant just wasn't up to my standards, David. Davíd: David. (Dah-veed) Cartman: David. Davíd: Dah-víd. Cartman: David. Davíd: Dah-víííd. Cartman: David David David David! I can update this to a 1-star review in two seconds, dude. [David turns around and walks away. Kyle turns around, looks at Cartman, and follows David away. A few second later Cartman relaxes] ...Oohhhh God I love being a restaurant critic. Scene Description: The Broflovski house, day, Gerald's den. Gerald is typing away at his computer. To help him focus on his work, he plays some opera music and smokes a pipe Gerald's review: And yet, there was more. For in this crisp time when autumn begins to fade, the chef brings chicken in habanero, and even adds habanero powder to the crust. But the heat is restrained. You experience the fruity, delicious flavor of this without any spicy pain. I don't need any more pain. Hell, does anyone? Sheila: [appears at the den doorway with Ike] Gerald! We're going to the park. You wanna come along? Gerald: Sorry honey, this review for Applebee's has turned into a fifty-pager. And then I have a polish on Ruby Tuesday's. Sheila: Why don't you take a break from Yelping, Gerald? You seem a little overwhelmed. Gerald: [leans back on his chair] I am, overwhelmed. Sometimes I don't know what I've gotten myself into. But now everyone relies on my Yelp reviews and I... I don't wanna let anyone down. Sheila: Well there's chicken in the fridge if you get hungry. Gerald: Thanks, but I, I've gotta Yelp a new place in CtPaTown tonight. [leans forward a bit] God I'm so damned tired. Sheila: Okay. Have fun. Gerald: [to himself]Ha, "fun," she says. Gerald's review: In finality, I will say that my experience at Applebee's was sublime and my treatment near that of a gladiator most decorated. But the street parking wasn't that great. Two and a half stars. Gerald: [satisfied with his review Gerald leans back in his chair again commenting to himself] Yes. Scene Description: The school cafeteria, day. Wendy walks by with a new classmate. Cartman is on his phone while the boys around him go about eating their lunches Wendy: Come on, Liza, I'll introduce you to the girls. Butters: Well aren't you eatin' lunch, Eric? Cartman: Uhuh, I'm a food critic, Butters, okay? I can't just eat cafeteria food. Tuong Lu Kim: O-okay, Here you are sir! There's orange-peel chicken, some uh shity beef, and uh shitty egg roll! Kyle: Are you joking?! Cartman: Well, you are a little late, like, I dunno, maybe only [emphasis] 1 star late. Tuong Lu Kim: Oh no! No 1 star, prease! You Uelpers are kriwing me! Okay, you no pay! You no pay, prease! Cartman: Sounds good. Now get the fuck out of here. Tuong Lu Kim: Yes yes. I get the fuck out. Thank you! [hurries away] Butters: Wow! Well you're pretty important, Eric. Kyle: He's not important. At. All. Cartman: Yes, no no, you you're right, Kyle. I'm not important. Oh, hey David, I was just wondering, um, how do you get to school? Do you... ride your tiny bicicleta? Eh? Stan: Stop it. Cartman: What? I just want to hear him say "Sí, me ride me tiny bicicleta to schooool." Davíd: Sí, me ride me teeny bicicleta to school. Cartman: [laughs] That's awesome! [turns around on the bench] I'm gonna go out to recess. Will you bus this for me, David. Thanks. [leaves the table. David leaves his seat] Kyle: Ah, [facepalm] don't, dude, dude- Don't. Scene Description: Park County Police Station. Sgt. Yates is at his computer Barkley: Sir, it's midnight. Go home, get some sleep. Sgt. Yates: There's no time to sleep when the city's counting on me. Barkley: More Yelp reviews, sir? Sgt. Yates: I had a bad experience at Red Lobster and if the people don't know about it, they could too. Folks deserve to know where to eat, Mitch. Barkley: But does anyone even thank you for it? Sgt. Yates: I don't need them to. I know they need me, and that's enough. Barkley: [pats him on the left shoulder] God bless you, sir. Sgt. Yates: I know. [Barkley walks away] Scene Description: Whistlin' Willy's Pizza Gulch, established in 1986. A table shows the food critic couple who were in Nueva Familia earlier on, now with their son Whistlin' Willy: Welcome to Whistlin' Willy's. Y'all enjoyin' your pizza? Male food critic: Look here, my good man, we've been waiting over 15 minutes for you to sing Happy Birthday to our son! Female food critic: Unfortunately for you, we are both restaurant critics, and so is our son! Son: [gets an angry face] 1 star! Diner 1: Excuse me! Emergency! [Whistlin' Willy rushes over to see what's up] Over here! Emergency! I would like a table. Inside the area with all the little plastic balls please, and make it snappy I am a food critic for Yelp. Whistlin' Willy: That does it! I've had enough! All you Yelp reviewers get the hell outta here! I don't care what happens to my business! I ain't kissing your asses no more! [moves the male food critic from the table to the double doors on his chair and throws him against the doors] Go on! Every Yelper get the fuck out of here! Diner 2: Careful now, Bill, you don't want a one-star review. Whistlin' Willy: You're not a food critic, Dennis! You're a fuckin' mechanic! Now get the fuck out! Go on! All you Yelpin' sons of bitches get the fuck out of here! [Yelpers begin to stream out of the restaurant] Male food critic: You're gonna regret this, Whistlin' Willy. You can't treat Yelpers this way. Whistlin' Willy: You get the f- Get the fuck out! [kicks the male food critic in the ass for emphasis as the critic goes out the door.] Male food critic: AH! [Whistlin' Willy slams the door shut. Gerald shows up a few seconds later] Gerald: Well, good for you. Whistlin' Willy: You too, you sonofabitch! Gerald: Whoa! Hey! [Whistlin' Willy kicks him out too, and Gerald rubs his butt outside] Scene Description: Shi Tpa Town. Tuong Lu Kim is running around excited about something while David's father sweeps up at Nueva Familia. Tuong Lu Kim: It's oba! It's oba! [screams some more and approaches Nueva Familia.] You see papaa?! It's oba! [David's father steps outside and Mr. Kim stops him] Whistrin' Wirry! He stand up to the Yelpas! [David's father scans the front page] We don't have to kiss uh their asses anymore! Look! [David's mother comes out to join his father] Everyone is doing the same! [signs go up saying "No Yelpers"] Ha haha. It's ova it's ova! Hey Skeetah, you hear the news?! [He runs off continuing his celebration] Mr. Rodriguez: [softly] It's a ...miracle. [jubilantly] IT'S A MIRACLE! [he and his wife hug] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Cartman walks down the hallway humming to himself Cartman: Hm hm hm the fuck? [notices a small puddle on the floor] Aw, dude, somebody spilled shit on the floor! [notices David at his locker] Hey David, somebody spilled something here. Could you clean this up, por favor? David. [whistles] Over here, there's some shit on the floor. [David closes his locker and turns away] Heyheyhey hey! What's goin' on, man? Kyle: [arriving] You haven't heard? Nobody gives a fuck what Yelp reviewers think anymore. Cartman: What are you talking about? I'm the most influential critic in this town. Okay David, forget the spill, just give me one little "My name is David. Me ride me biciceta to schoool" Davíd: My name... is David. (Dah-veed)[walks off] Kyle: HA! [walks off as well; confidently] Cartman: [whips out his phone] Okay, I'm uh I'm updating my review. I'm about to do it. [waits for a comeback but doesn't get one] You'd better say "I ride me bicicleta to school"! [holds up his phone] One star! ... No s-no stars? [no reply. He sighs and tries again] No stars? ... You can't just treat me like I'm nothing... I still know I'm worth something! Come on, guys! [walks away. No one follows him. Seconds later he's back.] Oh yeah, y-you guys stay in school, that's kewl, you guys stay here. [leaves again] Scene Description: Shi Tpa Town, day. Cartman walks alone by City Wok. He notices a sign there - NO YELPERS. He then walks to Nueva Familia and knocks on the door. David is moving chairs around and stops. Cartman mimics someone riding a bike, and David sticks his middle finger up at him, then turns and walks away. Cartman sighs, turns around, and walks away. He walks right into Butters' house, through the living room, and up into Butters' room. Butters is at his desk drawing a purple car. Cartman sighs Butters: [noticing] Oh, hey Eric. Cartman: [hops onto Butters' bed and lays down] It's all over, Butters. Everything I've worked so hard to achieve. All these hack wannabe food critics have made my profession a joke. Butters: Oh I'm sorry, bud. Cartman: All these people trying to be like me. And they don't even write about poop consistency the next day. Butters: Well Eric, you should be proud that people wanna be like you. Ha ah, I mean, you really started something. Cartman: I guess. Butters: Well if these people look up to you, maybe, maybe you can sort of, set the record straight and show them the way it's supposed to be done. Cartman: [sits up] You're right, Butters. Maybe I can actually use all these people somehow to make... real food critics respected again. Scene Description: Sgt. Yates' house. Yates serves himself some whisky on the rocks while doing more reviews. His wife Maggie walks up to him. Maggie: Harrison Yates, what's gotten into you? Yates: That's it, Maggie. I'm hanging it up. If people are gonna be trying all the new restaurants in town they'll... have to do it without my reviews. Maggie: What are ya talkin' about? You said that protectin' people from bad dinin' experiences was what kept you goin'. Yates: The restaurants put up signs sayin' I can't come in. I don't know why they singled me out, but it's like, people don't need me. [opens a letter and reads it] Well I'll be damned. Maggie: What is it? Yates: Somebody's put a note in the mailbox... asking me to come and talk to them. They do need me. [rises and goes to the coat rack] I need to get goin'. Maggie: You want me to come along? Yates: No, they're just asking for me. I guess... [opens the front door] maybe I do have a town to protect. [smiles and leaves] Scene Description: Cartman's house, Sunday. Cartman is getting refreshments ready for his guests in the living room. Liane walks up to him Liane: Oh, are you having a party sweetheart? Cartman: Not a part, Mom. I've invited all the poser food critics over for a meeting. Liane: Oh, how fun! Cartman: It's not fun, it's serious. These people think they can do what I do, but they need to be, made to understand the reality. When the Yelpers get here I need you to get lost, okay? Okay, that's them, that's them. Go, get lost, Mom! [she goes away as he walks to the front door. He opens the door and sees a sea of reviewers] Yelpers: Hello, hi. My name is [they all give their names at the same time] and I'm here for the meeting. [Cartman freezes up] A reviewer: Is this the right place? Cartman: Fuuuuuuck! [closes the door and keeps it closed with his back] Mom! Liane: I'm going, honey. Cartman: But Mom, there's like a billion people here. Liane: Oh yes, sweetie, I think quite a few people are Yelp reviewers. Cartman: Oh, this many people have nothing better to do than write reviews on Yelp?! Liane: I guess so, honey. Do you need more lemonade? Cartman: Mom, there's a fucking billion people here! [yes, Yelpers all up and down the block, filling the streets all around. Moments later, he appears at his bedroom window on the second floor, and holds court] Uh, thank you all for coming. My name is Eric, and as you know, us Yelpers are being scrutinized- A Yelper: COULD YOU SPEAK A LITTLE LOUDER? Cartman: Yes. Us Yelp critics are being scrutinized. Other Yelpers: That's right! Yeah! Cartman: Now, you see, the problem is that when there's too many reviewers, people no longer know who is the real food critic. [Sgt. Yates puffs up his chest, pretty sure that it's him] It's great that you all want to be critics, but we all know who the real food analyst of the town is. Other Yelpers: That's right. Yeah! Gerald: [confidently humble] Huh. Oh thanks. Cartman: Okay. So, as long as there is one clear leader, then the rest of you can just follow. And with this many people all following [holds up index finger] one captain, we can fight to get our power back! A Yelper: Poweerrrrr Back! Cartman: So now rise up, and [pounds on the window sill] fight for your leader!! Fight together and show the restaurants that our food critic does matter! Other Yelpers: Yeah! Let's go! [more cheering from the Yelpers] Sgt. Yates: Alright, follow me! Gerald: This way, everyone! [the crowd turns left and moves off] Scene Description: Whistlin' Willy's Pizza Gulch, day. A mother and son leave, but are still nearby when the crowd of Yelpers arrives and begins destroying the gulch. They then leave quickly. After a barrel is thrown through a window, Willy looks up to see what's going on Scene Description: News 4 segment Anchor Tom: Another local business is closing its doors tonight after being taken down by Yelp reviewers. Whistlin' Willy's, a child favorite in town, was destroyed and its owner stripped and beheaded. The following video is graphic. [a crowd of Yelp reviewers is shown and they are ululating. Two Yelpers bring Whistlin' Willy in front of the camera and hold him there. The crowd continues to ululate] Whistlin' Willy: No, please! No! Nonono! [the Yelpers pull the mask off his head and show it off to the camera] Awwww. [the ululating continues] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. "Bad to the Bone" plays as the school bell rings. Cartman walks down the hallway as a Big Critic on Campus, while in voice over he is singing the words. The other kids either hold their hands up or hold themselves a little tighter as Cartman walks to the tune of "Bad To The Bone." He's met by a group of boys led by Kyle. Kyle: We all... loved... Whistlin' Willy's! Cartman: [just shrugs] It didn't do well with Yelpers. Token: You assholes destroyed the best place in town because they wouldn't kiss your asses! Cartman: Oh come on, admit it. The food sucked. Kyle: Nobody went for the fucking food! Cartman: Look, I'm sorry goys, but Whistlin' Willy failed to recognize the influence someone like me has on their business. Now, I just have one question for you, David. Do you ride... your teeny, tiny, bicicleta... to school? Davíd: Si. Me ride me teeny bicicleta to school. [turns around and walks away. Kyle flashes an angry look at Cartman, then watches Davíd leave] Kyle: [gets in Cartman's face] You're done! [turns around and walks away with the remaining boys] Cartman: Yeah, I'm done! I'm now the leader of thousands of people! They all hang on my every word! [softly] And I'm gonna use my power to finally get what this town really needs. Scene Description: The Broflovski house, day, Gerald's den. Gerald is typing away at his computer, with music and pipe, as before. Gerald's review: I found the wait staff at Red Lobster to be rude, and barely even acknowledging who I was. Or what I meant to this city. Sheila: [appears at the doorway with Ike] Gerald, I'm taking Ike to clown school. You care to joing us? Gerald: I can't, honey. I'm now the leader of thousands of people. They all hang on my every word. And I'm going to use my power to finally get what this town really needs. [Sheila and Ike just walk away] Scene Description: Shi Tpa Town. The peace and quiet of the morning is disrupted by semiautomatic gunfire. Yelpers run into the area, and a bomb goes off behind Dee's Meats. Another News 4 segment Reporter: For the fifth day in a row, historic Shi Tpa Town is under siege by Yelp reviewers. The restaurants are still refusing to be intimidated. and the Yelp reviewers are- [quickly ducks as the gunfire hits very close to him] -and the Yelp reviewers are preparing for all-out war. [real war footage is shown] The angry Yelp reviewers are demanding special treatment at all city restaurants. They claim that as local food critics they deserve respect and that all who oppose them will suffer. The online restaurant critics are getting ready to bring businesses to their knees, and some are already closing their doors. [Nueva Familia is shown...] Reporter: One local restaurant worker actually called out the Yelp critics' leader. David: I guess you win, huh, big shot?! If you really are any kind of important to anybody, then get your bullshit food critic ass to the south of town and face me! Because you aren't a food critic, and you aren't important! [Sgt. Yates looks at the screen in the police station] And unless you're a chicken, I'll see you south of town! [Yates walks into his office and gets his coat] Barkley: Where are you going, sir? Sgt. Yates: You heard him. Little Mexican kid called me out. [shows his gun, then places it back in its holster] If he wants to fight me, that's fine. Barkley: You need backup sir? Sgt. Yates: No, he's just calling me out. [turns and walks out] Barkley: God bless you sir. Sgt. Yates: I know! Scene Description: The south of town, a big meadow or park on the outskirts of town. David marches towards the meeting point. Kyle runs up to catch him Kyle: David! Dude, wait! [Kyle is next to him now] Dude, you don't wanna do this. You don't know what Cartman's capable of. David: Where I come from, we settle things with our fists! Kyle: But this isn't Mexico. David: I'm not from Mexico, dude! I'm from Idaho! [Kyle glances away, embarrassed] I'm gonna show this prick how we do things in Boise! Cartman: Oh, hello David! [Cartman is flanked by hundreds of Helpers] Kyle: Alright, you've got your army! You've got your followers! If you're such a great leader, then just tell the city what you want, fat-ass! Gerald: Don't call me fat, son! I'm doing this because they've- Sgt. Yates: What I want is to be able to lead these fine people with the respect and the dignity- Yelper 1: I didn't ask to be the leader, I was appointed! You see, I'm extremely important to this town, and I'm not going to be- Yelper 2: My journey is this town's food- [soon everyone is talking over each other, and David and Kyle just look at each other.] Yelper 3: You've made these people feel unwanted, and now they look to me for answers. Gerald: Now here I stand, vulnerable, afraid, and yet willing to do what the people of this- Male food critic: And so we said "to hell with it!" And we took the challenge to go from the town's food critics to the town's spiritual leaders! What do we want? Yelper 4: [another woman] People would say "Oh, you're just a food blogger. You're just a tiny voice in the crowd. Well now my voice is heard, and I will-" [her voice melts into the other voices] Cartman: ...wanted special privileges, but these people think I should have them! Right, guys? Maybe I don't deserve special treatment, but how else can I be the elite food critic they want? [more chatter] Kyle: [after a few moments] Every person here thinks this is about them. David: I think I know what to do. Kyle: Yeah. Me too. Scene Description: They Mayor's office, day. Mayor McDaniels sits at her desk, with several townsfolk standing behind her. Kyle stands to the right of the desk in a suit. Fanfare plays Mayor McDaniels: And for all your service to this community, we want to once and for all declare you our most elite food critic. To distinguish you, we present to you... the Golden Badge. [an aide pins the badge on Gerald's coat] Wearing this badge means you will always get the special treatment that you deserve. [Johnson rings a bell and Fr. Maxi hums a short chant] Gerald: Thank you, Mayor. It's a big responsibility, but I suppose I have to accept. I will do my best to serve this town. Mayor McDaniels: We know you will. [shows him the exit. He turns right and walks out. Another aide closes the exit door] Kyle: Okay, bring in the next one. Mayor McDaniels: Mr. Davis, you have proven yourself a leader. And for all your service to this community, we want to once and for all declare you our most elite food critic. To distinguish you, we present the Golden Badge. [an aide pins the badge on Mr. Davis's coat] Mr. Davis: [softly] Wwooww. Mayor McDaniels: Wearing this badge means you will always get the special treatment you deserve. [Johnson rings the bell and Fr. Maxi hums the short chant] Scene Description: Nueva Familia, day. The signs that showed the restaurant was shutting down are gone; the Grand Opening sign remains Davíd: Alright, we got all the restaurants to agree to let the Yelpers in and make them feel special. Mr. Rodriguez: How did you do it, son? Scene Description: (vernacular), dinnertime. An elite food critic is about to order. Diner 3: Hi, yes, the steak, please. [points to his golden badge] I'm the uh Yelp elite. [the waiter takes his order to the kitchen and...] Waiter: Alright, we got a Yelper. Give it that special attention. Chef: Youuu got it! [puts his finger into his nose and pulls out some boogers, and smears them on the steak.] Scene Description: Montage. What follows is a series of scenes showing cooks and waiters doing nasty things to Yelpers' dishes, including more boogers on them, masturbating to them, peeing on them, farting on them, etc... Some examples; Mr. Kim masturbating onto a plate of broccoli chicken, then serving it to the food critic couple, and grinning to himself; a Steed chef masturbates onto a plate of thin steaks and gives it to a waiter, who serves it to Sgt. Yates; Gerald finishes a review, then eats crab legs at a fine restaurant. Back at (vernacular), a waiter farts on a salad and gives it to the female food critic. Later, the couple critiques the restaurant's décor to the greeter. Whistlin' Willy serves up three pizzas to three different elite Yelpers. Sgt. Yates is back at the office writing another review. Lead Singer: So you're one of Yelpers' special blessed. You demand a restaurant's very best. Well they're gonna treat you special, I'm tellin' you, chum. Now get yourself ready for some boogers and cum! Backup Singers: Boogers and cum. Lead Singer: That's called the Yelper Special! Backup Singers: Boogers and cum. Lead Singer: Say, what's that on your pretzel? Scene Description: together Lead Singer: Your online critiques are real useful to some. Backup Singers: Oooo-oooo-oooo-oooo Lead Singer: Now have a good time eatin' boogers and cum. Backup Singers: Boogers and cum. Lead Singer: Someone farted on your salad. Backup Singers: Boogers and cum. Lead Singer: But your décor critiques are valid. Scene Description: together Lead Singer: You think you're special, like you're A #1! Backup Singers: Oooo-oooo-oooo-oooo Lead Singer: Well there's a whole lot of special in All Singers: Boogers and cum. Backup Singers: Boogers and cum. Lead Singer: How 'bout some feces with your flounder? Backup Singers: Boogers and cum. Lead Singer: You like that queefy quarter pounder? Scene Description: together Diner 4: What's that spice that feels tangy on my tongue? Backup Singers: Oooo-oooo-oooo-oooo Waiter 2: Oh that's a yuzu pepper [to himself] along with some boogers and cum Scene Description: At the school cafeteria Davíd: Here you are, sir. Cartman: Why thank you, David. That's good service. Davíd: I will bring you food every day, my friend. Cartman: Mmmm, is that a jalapeño cream sauce? Davíd: Yes. My father made it just for youuu. Cartman: Hmmm. It's tart, but savory. Backup Singers: Boogers and cum. Scene Description: Back to random shots Lead Singer: Bein' a food critic's easy! Backup Singers: Boogers and cum. Lead Singer: Oh, you feel a little queasy? Scene Description: together Lead Singer: Do you need a diagnosis? Well doctor's got one. Backup Singers: Oooo-oooo-oooo-oooo Dr. Doctor: Your stomach seems to be filled with boogers and cum. Backup Singers: Boogers and cum. Lead Singer: Piss in your potatoes. Backup Singers: Boogers and cum. Lead Singer: Some guy shit on your tomatoes. Alright, fancy food critic, looks like you've won. Now please enjoy all the boohoohoogers. Boohoohoohoohoohoogers. Aaannnddd. Cuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmm! Backup Singers: Boogers and cum!

Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Cartman sits in PC Prinicpal's office hyperventilating, teary-eyed. PC Principal and Mr. Mackey both look at him. PC Principal: So these guys made fun of your weight and made you feel ashamed? Cartman: [voice shaking terribly] Yes, I was just trying to do my job as a food critic and they all ganged up on me and said I was fat. PC Principal: Alright, why don't you take me back to what happened? Cartman: I was in the locker room. I was in my underwear and these kids walked by [Craig and Clyde appear around the corner] Then I looked in the mirror and I thought I looked kind of ripped, and so I asked one of the kids [Clyde] if he would take a picture of me [holding two dumbbells, one in each hand] and he did. And I looked at the picture and I looked pretty ripped, so later at home, I put the picture up on my Yelp account and I typed in "Don't I look ripped?" and I thought people would be stoked on me. Then this morning I saw the comments on Twitter and some people called me names and said I wasn't ripped, and they said that I was fat and I didn't have muscles. The Internet made fun of me and [is overcome with emotion and hyperventilates. PC Principal sniffs and clears his throat.] Mr. Mackey: Well, Eric, maybe you shouldn't have put a picture of you in your underwear up on social media. PC Principal: [jumps up and faces Mr. Mackey] Hey! You got a fuckin' problem, Mackey! Mr. Mackey: N-No, PC Principal. PC Principal: Because body-shaming is fuckin' serious, and I'm not gonna allow that shit in my school! [faces Cartman] Nobody should have to feel that kind of shame! Scene Description: Whole Foods Market, day. Liane walks out with her groceries, Randy walks around inside marveling at all the stuff. Next, he's in Checkout 5 having his purchases scanned. Cashier: Okay. sir, looks like your total is $37.83. Randy: [pulls out his wallet and takes out $40] Alright. Cashier: [checks the monitor] Okay, and, would you like to add a dollar donation to help hungry kids around the world? Randy: [real quiet] Oh, uh, no, that, that's okay. Cashier: Sorry? Randy: [real quiet] I'm, I'm good. Cashier: [having trouble hearing him clearly] I'm sorry, you don't want to give the dollar to hungry kids? Randy: [real quiet] Not today, thank you. Cashier: Okay, no problem. [punches in the last few numbers into the register.] A window's gonna come up and ask if you're helping the hungry kids, just hit "No, I'm not." Randy: [real quiet] Oh, come on. Cashier: Try hitting it again. It's the box below the one that says, "Sure, I'd love to help however I can." [Randy hits the button again... and again a few more times, but it only beeps twice. The cashier looks at it.] Ah, darn thing. Sorry. Most people give the dollar. I can do this manually. [turns to the register and taps a few keys] Randy: Look, I give money to charity a lot, okay? Cashier: Oh, sure you do. Randy: I do. I just don't want to every time I shop for food. Cashier: That's completely understandable. [reads something] "Have customer speak on the-" Oh-okay. if you can just speak into the voice decoder and say "I'm not giving anything to the hungry kids." Randy: [leans in and speaks into the "decoder"] I'm not giving anything to the hungry kids. [his voice echoes throughout the store, and everyone takes notice] Cashier: Okay, that's got it. So with the ice cream, the vodka, pizza pockets, and nothing for hungry kids, that's $37.83. [getting a bit sarcastic] Oh, don't forget your change. Randy: Look, if I give money every time I went grocery-shopping, I would be-! Cashier: [cuts him off] Thanks for shopping, sir. Next, please. Randy: [takes his paper bag full of groceries and leaves] Dick! Scene Description: PC Principal's office, moments. PC Principal opens the door and Kyle walks in. PC Principal: Morning, Kyle. Have a seat right there. [Kyle takes the seat next to Cartman and is instantly displeased] You probably heard that Eric here has been dealing with some body shaming? [Cartman is still whimpering] Kyle: Uh huh. PC Principal: Well, Eric and I have been talking, and we've decided it's probably best for him to get off of social media. Kyle: Yeah probably. PC Principal: So what we're looking for is a student volunteer. Somebody who can put the things Eric wants up on the Internet for him and also filter through all the comments and make it more of a safe space for him. Kyle: Wait, what? Cartman: I said you were perfect because you're really good at getting all your schoolwork done on time [gathers his thoughts] so you'd probably do a really good job. Kyle: You want me to run Cartman's Twitter and Yelp account and only give him the good comments? PC Principal: That's right. Kyle: No. PC Principal: Kyle, you know what body-shaming is, right? How much it can hurt someone's life? All you have to do is check out all the comments, type out just the positive ones, and give that to Eric on paper. Kyle: If he doesn't like what people say on Twitter, he can get off. [Cartman begins to cry] PC Principal: Okay, Kyle, well maybe you'd like two weeks' detention instead. Kyle: [a bit stunned, considers his options] Give me... give me detention. PC Principal: You sure about that? Kyle: Yeah, I'll take the detention. PC Principal: That's two weeks' detention for you, bud! I'll see you at 4! [Kyle looks at Eric, gets up, and leaves. Next, PC Principal is talking to another student] And when we said someone should probably help Eric by filtering out any negative comments, he mentioned you by name. Wendy: Is this a joke? Cartman: I'm not a joke! PC Principal: Nothing funny about this, Testaburger! This is a big problem in our country! Wendy: I'm not doing it. PC Principal: And that's two weeks' detention for you! Congratulations! [Wendy looks at Eric, gets up, and leaves. Next, PC Principal is talking to another student] So, any comments that seem inappropriate or hurtful in any way, you need to delete and not include in your daily report to Eric. [Butters is shown next to Cartman now] Cartman: I wanted someone smart and hard-working! Butters: Do I gotta? PC Principal: You want detention? Butters: Well, if I get detention, uh, I'll get grounded. PC Principal: Then you start today! Butters, it's your job to make sure Eric has a safe space. Scene Description: Whole Foods Market, day. Randy is at a salad bar creating his own salad. A female shopper is making one too, and their tongs clash over greens Female shopper: Oh, ahhh, I'm sorry. Randy: Oh no, my, my fault. Female shopper: Isn't it great having a Whole Foods? Randy: This is where I come for lunch every day. Gotta eat healthy to stay fit. [pleased at this encounter. He turns to leave and sees the cashier from before, who waves back at him. To himself] Aw, shit, it's that guy. [as no one else is waiting, he goes ahead and makes his purchases] Cashier: Aand how are you today, sir? Randy: Great. [leans in and in a low voice] Uh, listen, before you ring me up, I just wanna let you know I'm not gonna be giving extra money to charity, so can we, can we just skip that part? Cashier: Oh, no problem, sir, they've updated the system so it's a lot more streamlined now. Find everything you need today? Randy: Yeah, thanks. Cashier: There we go, and that's... Okay, and would you like to give a dollar to hungry kids today? Randy: [softly] No. I said no, before. Cashier: Oh that's right. Okay, there's a picture of a little hungry boy. Will you just press on his belly? [Randy does so, and hears "Oww, owww." The cashier checks the readout] Okay, that's got it. So, with the no help for hungry kids that's $18.87. [Randy hands him a $20 bill] Out of 20. [the cashier gives him some change back in the coin return tray] Your change is right there, just pull the sandwich out of the little girl's mouth. [a cardboard cutout of a little girl hides the coin return] Randy: This is not streamlined! Cashier: It's just the new change dispenser, sir. [Randy then goes ahead and tries to pull the sandwich away] Randy: [a couple of grunts later] I can't. Cashier: Yes, she's a hungry one. You've gotta pull hard. Randy: Dammit! The sandwich isn't coming out. Cashier: Try putting your foot on her face. [Randy promptly does this. He also notices the woman he bumped into earlier in Checkout 4 and flashes a smile to her. Finally he pulls the sandwich out of the cutout's mouth and gets his change and his groceries] Have a nice day, sir! Randy: I was having a nice day! [leaves the store] Scene Description: South Park Elementary hallway, day. Cartman puts his books into his locker and closes it. As he walks away, Butters appears around the corner and catches up to him. Butters: [sounding quite tired] Eric, hold up. Cartman: There you are. You have my social media comments? Butters: Yeah. Yeah, right here. [hands him the papers] I just finished this morning. Cartman: [reviews them] Mm-hm. Hm-oh, that's nice. Oh great. This is all the Twitter comments? Butters: Yeah. And the people commenting on your Yelp page starts here. [points to the first comment on the current page] Cartman: Okay, nice. Oh ni- oh, very enthusiastic. This is so great! [turns around and walks by Kyle, who's at his locker.] Oh Kyle! You thought me having someone edit my social media would make me look stupid? You should see all the comments I'm getting. People are actually really stoked on me now. Butters: It's a pretty brutal job sifting through all that darkness. Scene Description: South Park Elementary gym, later. The whole school is in attendance as PC Principal introduces someone. PC Principal: Alright everyone, listen up. In order to better understand the negative effects of body-shaming, we have a- [points to someone on the bleachers] HEY, LESLIE! PUT A FUCKIN' SOCK IN IT! [Leslie was whispering to Esther again, and again she backs off slowly] We have a guest speaker today who will challenge our perceptions of physical beauty. [steps towards a screen upon which is a graphic that says "NO MORE FAT SHAMING"] So please welcome action star and hero, Steven Seagal. [claps a few times, then puts the mic into a mic stand and steps aside as music plays. Real life pictures of a slimmer Seagal from his early films pop up as a slide show] Steven Seagal: [voice-over] You've got a problem with me? I'm your worse nightmare. I have no fear of death, more important, I don't fear life. [gun shot sound effect. The slide show ends and an obese Seagal walks into the gym with a gun drawn. He gets to the mic and begins to whimper, and lowers the gun] I'm a big action movie star and people are pretty stoked on me. And then I put a picture of myself up on the Internet and I had my shirt off and I said "Do you think I'm ripped?" and some people commented saying I didn't look ripped, that I was fat, and they called me Steven Se-boom-boom, so I put another picture on the Internet and I thought people would be stoked on me, but they said that I looked like a fat turd, and they said I wasn't buff. [hyperventilates] Body-shaming isn't cool, and, if p-people shame you on the Inter n-net, you have to make sure that you stay, you stay strong and tell everyone you're proud of how you look, like this. [begins to shuffle dance and clap as "Got To Be Real" starts playing] Scene Description: The school hallway, later. Steven is headed out and PC Principal catches up to him. PC Principal: Hey, Seagal! Listen, that was a really amazing talk you gave to the kids. Steven Seagal: [sniffs] Thank you. PC Principal: I can see that you're in a lot of pain, bro. I've got someone who I think can help. Scene Description: PC Principal's office. An exhausted Butters is sitting next to a sobbing Seagal as PC Principal makes his case PC Principal: So I want you to do for Mr. Seagal the same thing that you're doing for Eric Cartman. Butters: But, PC Principal, I really don't have time. PC Principal: This man took the time to come to your school and help spread body-shaming awareness! I think you can give him a little of your time! Butters: Yes sir... Scene Description: Whole Foods Market, later. Randy is back to buy more groceries. He's back at Checkout 5 with the same cashier as before Cashier: Find everything you needed today? Randy: Yes. Cashier: Okay, looks like your total comes to $37.98. Would you like to give a dollar to help feed hungry kids? Randy: Yes, I would like to give a dollar. Cashier: [surprised] You want to give a dollar? Randy: Yes, I will. Cashier: [excited sounding] Oh wow, okay! So that's $10 for the beer, $4.20 in chocolate-covered peanuts, $26 in filet mignons, [sarcastically] and one dollar for hungry kids around the world. On "amount of donation" it will say $10, $20, or $50, can you just press the "$1" box? [Randy does so and bells, sirens, and colored lights go off. The cashier gets on the mic and says] Attention shoppers, somebody just joined the $1 club, giving one whole dollar to help feed hungry children. [quickly goes around the checkout] Here's your T-shirt! [quickly slips it on Randy and takes a picture, then prints the picture. The shirt says "I Gave $1.00 to End Hunger." The cashier pins the picture on the "$1" cork board, which was empty before] Ho, won't the kids be thrilled when they get their piece of that big impressive dollar. [walks back to his register and sings] For he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a holly good fellow, for he's a holly good fellow! He ended world hunger. [Randy takes his groceries and leaves, whimpering] Scene Description: Butter's house, afternoon, bedroom. Butters is toiling away at his computer. Butters: Yech. Oh God that's terrible. Jesus. Demi Lovato: [sitting on Butters' bed] Yeah. No, I'm telling you, Tracy, it's the greatest thing ever. I'm getting all my Twitter and Instagram comments on paper, and the nasty mean stuff, all gets edited out. Butters: Whoa my God. Wugh. Demi Lovato: Yeah. And the coolest thing? Ever since I started using this service, all of my followers are actually way more stoked on me. So cool, right? Cartman: Butters! Butters: [startled] Yeah! Cartman: [at the bedroom door] What the hell is this? The last report you gave me has a comment that says "This picture of you burned my eyes, fatso!" Butters: Well, I'm sorry, Eric. I, I guess it slipped through the cracks. I'm overloaded with all the new people. Cartman: What new people? [walks up to the computer] Butters: Well, I've got Demi Lovato [points to her] to take care of now, and Lena Dunham just put a picture of her asshole on Twitter, and wants only the positive comments. Cartman: Dude, fuck Demi Lovato! She's fuckin' hot, she's not being fat-shamed! Demi Lovato: [stands up] Am so! But I don't care. People just have to accept my body the way it is. Cartman: Butters, I want this fixed by tonight! You got that?! Butters: Okay, Eric. [Cartman walks away] Scene Description: A commercial. "Amazing Grace" plays with a female voice. A poor community is shown. Randy walks among the poor folk Randy: This is a place where hope is scarce. These people are hungry. Little Jojo here might not eat today. But does that mean it's okay for cashiers to ask us for money while we're in the checkout line? It isn't right, and it isn't fair. Just $2 a day adds up to 62 goddamned dollars a month if you go to Whole Foods as much as I do. Nobody should have to feel the shame, the humiliation, of being asked to add money onto their grocery bill. Help now. Let's make grocery stores a #SAFESPACE for all. Together, we can make a difference. Girl: Because charity-shaming hurts everyone. [Randy holds her a bit closer] Scene Description: PC Principal's office, day. He and Mr. Mackey are talking to someone PC Principal: You know, if there's one thing I really respect, it's plus-sized models who challenge the idea of what makes a woman beautiful. These ladies are gonna be part of a big ad campaign for plus-sized lingerie, and we wanna make sure they're protected from any harassing comments. Butters: [Butters is seated across from PC Principal with an entire row of plus-sized women in lingerie] Do I have to, sir? PC Principal: Hey, they're gonna putting themselves out there, and all I'm asking you to do is go through their social media and delete the two or three comments that are mean. Butters: PC Principal, ah, I don't think you quite realize how much negative stuff I have to sift through. PC Principal: I know it's a lot, but I just really need you to help these plus-sized models. And Vin Diesel. Butters: Vin Diesel too?? PC Principal: Look bro! You've done an amazing job with Eric Cartman. You have really turned his life around, and other people deserve... to be as happy as he is. Scene Description: South Park Elementary hallway. A piano begins to play a song, and Cartman sings first. Soon, an abstract space appears in which are tiny rooms - a safe space - one for each person singing Cartman: Everyone likes me and thinks I'm great in my safe spaaaace. Seagal: My safe spaaaace. Cartman: [eating in a restaurant, Butters hands him more comments] People don't judge me and haters don't hate in my safe spaaaace. [An exhausted Butters is hard at work in his room] PC Principal: Your safe spaaaace. Cartman and Seagal: [standing in a floating tiny room] Bully-proof windows, troll-safe doors, nothing but kindness and healing. Randy: You might call me a pussy, but I won't hear you in my safe spaaaace. Seagal: My safe spaaaace. Cartman: Bully-proof windows. Demi Lovato: [standing under a spotlight] If you do not like me, you are not allowed in my safe spaaaace. Plus-sized models: My safe spaaaace PC Principal: [inside the pricipal's office with Butters, he then hands Vin Disel more comments] Look and you will see there's a very select crowd in your safe spaaaace. [Steven Seagal is resting on a bed in his safe space] All: My safe spaaaace. Cartman: People that support me. All: Mixed in with Cartman: More people that support me. All: And say nice things. Rainbows all around me, there is no shame in my safe spaaaace. Randy: My safe spaaaace. Cartman: Bully-proof windows. [a change in tempo as villianous music plays and a masked villain enters the video.] Reality: I am going to tear down your safe space! Brick by brick, I shall smash it with glee! Cartman: What? Who is that? Reality: You cannot stop me from getting inside! I am cold and I am hard, and my name... is Reality. Demi Lovato: Oh no, not reality! Somebody stop him! Cartman: I'll take care of him, Demi! [shoots lightning from his hands, and the various people in their safe spaces are now dressed to dance!] All: [faster rock music begins playing] You can't ruin our lives, Reality! Cartman: Our safe spaces will keep you out! Reality: Drat! All: We can face almost anything! Cartman: But Reality we can do without! Reality: Nooooo... [vanishes, as the original piano music resumes] Cartman: Bully-proof windows. All: Troll-safe doors. [slowing down] My Safe Spaaaaaaaace! [all stop] Cartman: That was nice. Scene Description: Whole Foods Market, day. The cashier at Checkout 5 sends one shopper off Cashier: All right, thanks, have a great day. [Randy steps up] Good afternoon sir. Randy: [self-assured] Oh, hello. You might know Steven Seagal [who steps up, with his gun aimed at the cashier] Steven Seagal: You wanna play with me? Randy: And this is Vin Diesel. Cashier: Oh, hello gentlemen. Randy: It'd be... a really bad idea for you to charity-shame me today. These guys are here to protect my safe space. Cashier: That's great. [hums to himself as he scans Randy's items] This little piggy went to market. This little piggy stayed home. This little piggy was in Fast And The Furious, [Vin Diesel begins to whimper and walks away] and this little piggy goes direct to cable.[Steven Seagal begins to whimper and walks away] [jabs Randy in the belly] And this little piggy just bought fifty-three dollars in beer and frozen pizzas. Would you like to make a dollar donation to hungry kids today? Scene Description: A second commercial. We're back in the poor community. "Amazing Grace" plays with a deep male voice, and Demi Lovato walks in Demi Lovato: Look around you. What do you see? People who are slim. Skinny. But not everyone can have nice bodies like them. Just imagine it. Putting your pictures up on Twitter just to have some people write comments about your weight. It happens, all too often. Randy: [taking over] But it doesn't stop there. People also can be shamed for other traits viewed as negative. Mike here was shamed for not being a good recycler. Demi Lovato: And so together, we have created #shamelessAmerica, [a screen pops up with "let's work towards a #shamelessAmerica."] so no one is ever labeled... Fat woman: Tubby. Man with cap: Bad with tools. Woman 2: Dyke! Man 2: Butter butter dirty line cutter. Randy: Let's work together to create a completely shameless America. Boy: [emaciated] Because shaming hurts everyone. [Randy holds him a bit closer] Scene Description: Butters' room, night. He's editing out negative comments on Demi Lovato's social media pages before printing them Butters: [reading through online messages] "Hey Demi Lovato, I bet your vagina has a-" [begins to gag] oh. Oh God. Oh, that's horrible [picks up a waste basket and vomits into it] Augh. [coughs] Jeez. Delete. Delete that too. [continues reading comments aloud] "I'd like to stick my wiener into those fat rolls of-" [villianous piano music begins to play] Oh God! [Reality sneaks into his room and paces behind Butter's chair] Uh, delete! "You aren't fat, but my dick is-" Whoa, God. Reality: HaHAA! Butters: GAAAHHH! Reality: So you're the one trying to destroy me, eh?? Butters: What? [falls out of his chair. Reality tries to grab him, but misses. Butters runs to a night stand] Reality: You little shit! Keep me out, will you? Butters: I don't know you, sir! Reality: You can't stop me! [tries to grab Butters again, but breaks the lamp on the night stand] I'm going to kill you! [jumps up to fall on him. At that moment, the bedroom door opens] Stephen: Butters! What are you doing?! Butters: [panicked] Well-ll, the man! Uh, the man is gonna get me! [Butters points to where Reality was standing only for the shot to widen showing he is no longer there] Scene Description: Whole Foods Market, day. The cashier is ringing Randy up. Cashier: And some chocolate-covered almonds. Vanderpump Sangria mix. Randy: Yeah, um, I'm a little tired because I'm actually hosting a huge fundraiser for my charity organization [shows off his shirt: "#ShamelessAmerica"] that I'm sort of the head of. Cashier: That's great, sir. Ice cream sandwiches. Randy: Yeah, we're gonna raise a lot of money. Celebrities are coming. Demi Lovato is givin' a hundred thousand for the event. Cashier: Wonderful. Rotisserie chicken. Oh yep, gotta have that Frank's hot sauce. Randy: I just thought, you know, a fundraiser dinner was sort of the appropriate place to ask for donations. Cashier: That's great, sir. Okay, your total is $37.85, and would you like to give a dollar to help put a hamster through college? Randy: [stunned] ...What? Did you not hear anything I said? I'm - I'm doin' all this stuff. Cashier: Not a problem, sir. [takes out a hamster from behind the counter] If you could just press the N0 button and tell the little hamster he's not going to college. Just look him right in the eye, sir, and say "Not today, buddy." Randy: Actually, my big fundraising gala is helping put hamsters through college too. Cashier: [Excited] Oh, really? Wow. Did you hear that, Banjo? You've got support. [puts the hamster back behind the counter] Well, you have a nice day sir. [hands Randy his receipt] And thank so much for being so generous. Randy: You're welcome. [takes his groceries, but has no bag to put them in. He doesn't mind] Scene Description: South Park Elementary hallway. Stan, Kyle, Davíd and Kenny walk along when Cartman interrupts them. Cartman: Hey, Kyle. You wanna see what people said about my dick pic? Everyone's pretty stoked on it. Kyle: There's more than two people on the Internet. Butters: The man! The man the man the man the man! [runs around the corner completely naked] The man he's gonna get me! He shadows me everywhere! [stops another student and gets in his face] Do you see the man?! Kyle: [turns him around] Butters, what are you doing?! [the other student leaves] Butters: Well, he's gonna get me! Kyle: Dude, Butters, you're seeing things! Sifting through all the horrible stuff people say on the Internet is making you lose it! Butters: [breaks free and runs off] The world is darkness! The man is coming! Stan: Dude, Butters! [he and Kyle give chase. Butters goes up a flight of stairs] Butters: Aaaaa! Aaaaa! Scene Description: Kindergarten, day. The teacher quizzes the kids on a story Teacher: And what color is the little ball the kittens are playing with? Butters: [runs into the classroom] Run for your lives, you little fuckers, the man is coming! [the kids scream as Kyle enters the room. Stan, Davíd and Kenny follow him in] Kyle: Butters, listen to my voice. Butters: The man is gonna get me if I don't stop! Kyle: Then stop, dude! Butters, all this isn't worth it. Just. Take, the detention, dude. Butters: [thinks a moment and jumps through a glass window on the second floor] YEEAAAAAGGHH! [hits the snow hard] Scene Description: South Park Community Center, Night, Shameless America Charity Event. Guests arrive in limousines. Gerald steps out of one and goes inside. Randy is hosting. Fanfare plays Randy: Alright everyone, thanks for coming to help raise money to stop shaming, and put hamsters through college. Guest: What'd he say? Randy: And now, a woman who knows about shaming firsthand, supermodel Gigi Hadid. Gigi: Alright, everyone enjoying themselves? How's that filet mignon? [approving comments all around] You know, we're all here for a really important reason. Because everyone should- Stephen: Randy, Randy, we've got a problem. Randy: What? Stephen: Reality's here. He's trying to crash the party. Randy: Reality? Who let him in? Shit! [leaves to face him] Reality: [making a nuisance of himself at a table, spills a glass of wine] Woo, nice wine, huh? What do you think of that? [tips another glass over] You know what I think of your pretty flowers? [grabs the centerpiece bouquet and throws it to the ground, then dumps a guest's dinner on his lap] There you go. How do you like that? [Randy and Stephen arrive] Randy: Alright buddy, let's go. Reality: I shit on all of you! Randy: Seagal?! [Steven Seagal approaches with gun drawn and aimed at Reality] Reality: [to Seagal, Randy, and three guests] Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you! [jumps over the table and rushes the stage, then grabs the mic from Gigi Hadid] Give me that, you stupid bitch! [she walks off] What a lovely charity event. I suppose you're all feeling pretty good about yourselves, hm? What have you done? You've raised $300 by spending half a million on filet mignon and crystal glasses. [crowd is silenced and ashamed at themselves] Look at you, Vin Dipshit. You think fat-shaming is wrong, so in response you show off your abs. You're the one fat-shaming, idiot! What's the matter with you people?! You're saaad that people are meeean? Well I'm sorry, the world isn't one big liberal arts college campus! We eat too much; we take our spoiled lives for granted, feel a little bad about it sometimes! No, you wanna put up all your shit on the Internet and have every single person say "Hooray for you!" Fuck you. You're all pricks. And I've got news for you! While you've all been sitting here trying to feel good, the little boy who sucked all your shit is about to die from it! Seagal: What? Scene Description: Hell's Pass hospital, later. Butters is in a recovery room with tubes going into him and wires attached to him. Steven Seagal and Vin Diesel are there with the plus-sized models, Demi Lovato, Gigi Hadid, PC Principal, Stephen, and others Demi Lovato: Oh my God. What have we done? Seagal: Jesus, I d-I didn't even think. PC Principal: I guess... I asked too much of one kid. Randy: Listen, everybody. [the group splits in two so the camera can see him] I think there's a way to try and make this right for everyone. Scene Description: A third commercial. We're back in the poor community. "Amazing Grace" plays with an organ, and a choir joins in later Randy: To date, Shameless America has raised over $40,000. With that money, we are putting more and more iPads into these people's hands. [all the kids look at the iPads, not sure what to do with them] With iPads, these people can finally help more Americans get rid of negativity on their social media. [Jojo returns with an iPad, handing it to Randy] Oh, thanks Jojo. I'm shame-free now, and you can be too. For just $1 a day, one of these beautiful children will protect you from trolls and make your Internet a safe space. [a screen pops up with "We won't rest until America is #completelyshameless"] We won't rest until America is completely shameless. The world can be brutal, but Shameless America is going to continue to take steps to make sure everyone has a safe space... forever. Scene Description: South Park Town Square, day. The stage is set for a hanging. Reality has a noose around his neck, and Butters is set to be the executioner. Butters is out of the hospital with a head brace and a crutch Butters: Are you sure this is a good idea? Randy: Uh huh. [Butters pulls the lever and the trap door opens underneath Reality, making him drop and hang. After some choking, Reality dies and the crowd erupts in cheers]

Scene Description: South Park Elementary Gym, day. PC Principal is once again addressing the students in the gym. PC Principal: Alright, everyone, listen up. [Wendy reads through some cue cards at the podium. Behind her is a projection screen showing the text, "Celebrate our Asian-American STUDENTS!"] Today we're going to be showing you some art from our Asian-American students-DAMMIT, LESLIE, SHUT YOUR FUCKING PIE-HOLE! [Leslie is shown, but she's confused, as she's not talking to anyone.] from our Asian-American students presented by our student-body president, Wendy Testaburger. Wendy: Hey, guys. As you know, we have several new students here at South Park Elementary. We have been getting to know some of the Asian girls who have introduced us to an art style called "yaoi." [On the projection screen, the text reads "YAOI" and below it, in Japanese text, "BOIZU RABU" (Boys Love), with a pink platycodon in the background. Oriental music begins to play as Wendy cycles through yaoi images on the screen.] Yaoi is a blend of emotion and beauty involving two people whose love is looked down upon. The art tries to show that all love is magical, like in Lisa Akimoto's piece, "Tweek and Craig - Forbidden Love." [Tweek and Craig in a French kiss.] Girls: Awwww. Tweek: What? Wendy: Kelly Zhou goes a bit more whimsical with "Craig and Tweek: Moonlight Dance." [Tweek wears a pink bow in his hair and is wrapped in a pink ribbon while Craig stands behind him looking down at his face.] Girls: Awwww. Craig: Dude, what the fuck? Wendy: In yaoi art, the seme, or "top", is usually dominating the uke, or "bottom", as demonstrated in Heather Nishimura's "Boizu Rabu." [Craig reaching down into Tweek's briefs as Tweek reaches up to stroke Craig's head] Girls: Awwww. [Stan and Kyle look at each other] Wendy: But yaoi can branch out to other things as well... Cartman: Uh oh. Wendy: ...as we see here in "Lily, Frog, Tweek and Craig." [Tweek is on his back with only an unbutton shirt and looking away, while Craig is on top of him pinning him down and looking into his eyes. Above them is a lily flower and frog.] Scene Description: The hallway, after the assembly. Shown are David, Token, Stan, Butters, still in his head brace, Kyle, Kenny, and Jimmy, standing in a semi-circle. Stan: I just don't get it. I mean, Tweek and Craig aren't gay. Right? Kyle: [questioning, seeking confirmation] No. We would know. Butters: Well, but then why would Asian girls draw them like that? Jimmy: Yeah, what is this yaoi thing all about? I am so c-c-c-confused. Stan: And if it can happen to Tweek and Craig... could it happen to any of us? Scene Description: The school lobby. Eight Asian girls sit on the steps drawing. Craig sees them and approaches them Craig: Uhh, excuse me, why are you doing this?? [holds up a picture of himself pushing Tweek on a swing, and Tweek enjoying it] Girl 1: "Oh, hi, Craig. 오늘 다른 셔츠 입었네. (He's wearing a different shirt today.) [looks at the girl on her right and addresses her] Girl 2: 잠바 밑에 어떻게 알아? (How do you know what's underneath his jacket?) Craig: What? Well what did she say? Girl 3: I don't know, that was Korean. I'm Japanese. Tweek: [Over caffeinated] What is going on, huh? Huh? Me and him aren't together. Why is this happening?! Girl 1: [girl 1 addresses the girl to her left] 지금 크렉이 같이 있어줘야 하는데". [(Craig should be along with Tweek.)] Tweek: Everyone thinks I'm gay! What if my parents find out! Huh! Scene Description: PC Principal's Office. Craig and Tweek are seated across from PC Principal and Mr. Mackey PC Principal: Alright, guys, I know there have been a lot of rumors flyin' around. Just wanted to check in, see if you have any questions for me. Craig: Why are the Asian girls drawing pictures of us being gay? PC Principal: What's wrong with being gay? Nothin' wrong with that. Craig: But we aren't! I'm not! Tweek: I'm not either! PC Principal: That is completely irrelevant! Okay? What matters, and the reason I brought you in here, is that you understand affirmative consent. Tweek: What's that? PC Principal: IF there is a romantic relationship here, you have to make sure your partner is comfortable with any sexual exploration. Tweek: Gah! PC Principal: Now in a gay relationship it gets a little trickier, but you still have to follow some guidelines, alright? Craig: But I'm not gay! PC Principal: I don't care about that, bro! Tweek, if, and I'm only saying if, at some point you wanted to touch Craig's penis, you can't just go grabbin' for it. Alright? You need to say something like "Craig, is it alright with you if I touch your penis?" Okay? Let's try it out. Tweek: NO! PC Principal: You want two weeks' detention instead?! This shit's important! Tweek: Craig, can I touch your penis? PC Principal: Okay, good. Now, Craig, you might say "You may touch my penis. I'm comfortable with that.". [Craig isn't happy with that line and waits for more] Or of course you could say "No, you may not touch my penis at this time.". Craig: No, you may not! PC Principal: Okay. Now we're getting somewhere. Now, Craig, what would you say if you wanted to take a gander at Tweek's asshole? Scene Description: The Marsh house. Randy looks inside the fridge for something to drink. He gets a bottle of gluten-free PBR. Sharon walks up to him Sharon: Randy, you should have a talk with Stan. Randy: For what? Sharon: I guess something happened at school today involving two of Stan's friends,.. being gay? Randy: What? Sharon: Yeah. Stan seems really perplexed. Randy: Wow. Our town has only had a Whole Foods for three weeks and we already have our first gay kids. So cool. [smiles to himself] Sharon: Go talk to him, Randy, and be delicate. Scene Description: Stan's room, afternoon. Randy knocks on the open door softly, then walks in. Randy: Hey, bud. How's it hangin'? [sits on the bed next to Stan] Stan: I'm confused, Dad. There was this thing at school. Randy: Well, guess what? You've got a really progressive PC dad who knows all about this stuff, okay? Go ahead, ask me anything. Stan: I just don't understand how it's decided. Randy: Ah, well, you see, it's a combination of genetic, hormonal, and environmental influences. Stan: No, I mean, like, what makes the Asians decide who they're gonna make gay? Randy: [confused] The Asians? The Asians decide who's going to be gay? [feigns knowing, playing it off] Uh are y-, yeah, yeah they do. Uh, the Asians just, you know, the Asians pick who they pick, and um, it's al- it's, the way it's always been. Stan: So you've heard of yaoi? Randy: [embarrassed, playing it off] Yeah, of course. Yaoi, anal intercourse, Maui Zaui, I, I know all this stuff, Stan. Scene Description: Shi Tpa Town, day, Whole Foods. Gerald and Sheila run into Thomas in the store. Gerald: Oh, hey, Thomas! Hey, we heard about Craig. We think it's just terrific. Thomas: [turns around] What about Craig? [Stephen comes up behind him] Stephen: Thomas! I'm so glad that Craig is finally happy. [aloud to the other shoppers] Hey, it's Craig's dad, everybody. [shoppers around the store clap] Scene Description: The Tweek house. Tweek and his parents are having dinner. Tweek is twitching quite a bit and Richard notices Richard: Tweek's out of coffee, honey. Mrs. Tweek: Oh, here you go, kiddo. [fills Tweek's cup] Richard: Tweek, is there anything you want to talk to us about? Tweek: No. Richard: [slowly] Well, we heard that you're gay. And I want you to know we've never been so proud of you. Tweek: Oh God. [lets his head hit the table, smashing into all of his food] Richard: We thought you were just a spaz, but to know that you've got so much going on inside. Mom: We're so proud of you, Tweek. Tweek: AAaaagh! Richard: Knowing what I know now, I'm gonna be a much better dad to you. In fact, I just, I just want to give you some money, Tweek. [pulls out his wallet and then some bills] Can I give you some money? [Tweek looks up with mashed potatoes covering parts of his face] Here, I I love you so much, son. [hands Tweek the bills] Scene Description: "The Book of Love" begins to play, and here's the montage: Tweek stares at the ceiling while in bed. So does Craig. Neither of them can sleep. Nor can Stan, and he rolls from one side to the other. Next day, one of the Asian girls is drawing. Next night, Thomas can't sleep. Following day Craig walks along and sees Tweek, who is looking at a wall. They look at each other, then at the wall, which turns out to be on one side of the school. On the wall is a large mural of Craig and Tweek in embrace. They turn around, then walk their separate ways. Next is an outdoor art fair at the Whole Foods parking lot with art from the Asian girls at school. All of it is of Craig and Tweek in various poses. The Broflovski's and Marshes are enjoying it. The Stotch's buy a print. Mayor McDaniel's leafs through a bunch of Tweek x Craig pictures she has in a folder, then she looks at a picture of a man with a mustache. She smiles at it. Next is more fan art of Craig and Tweek, and finally we get to Cartman in bed Cartman: [thinking] Dude, Tweek and Craig. It's just so weird. If they've been gay this whole time, have they been checking me out? I'm pretty sure Craig has seen my wiener. Should I kick his ass? Cupid Me: [flits in out of nowhere] Aw, come on. What's wrong with two guys liking each other? Cartman: I just don't understand it, Cupid Me. Wanting to like, kiss a dude? Cupid Me: But if love is love, then it takes form in all shapes and sizes. Teehee. Cartman: I guess, just because I don't understand it doesn't mean I shouldn't support it. Alright. Maybe you can help them along. Cupid Me: Really? Can I? Cartman: Yes, Cupid Me. Make it quick, and don't let anyone see you. Cupid Me: Oh thank you! I won't! [floats out and away, giggling all the while.] Scene Description: Craig's room. Craig is sound asleep, wearing his cap. Cupid Me flits in Cupid Me: You just need a little spark of magic. [shoots an arrow into Craig's head.] And now I'm gonna pee in your mouth. [does so and giggles] Love is in the air. [squeezes a last bit of pee out] Scene Description: Cartman's bathroom. Cartman is on the toilet doing something on his phone. Cupid Me returns. Cartman: Did you do it, Cupid-Me? Cupid Me: I hit him with my love arrow, and then I peed in his mouth just for fun. Cartman: [laughs] That's awesome! [chuckles as Cupid-Me flits to his left side] That's so sweet. Cupid Me: I thought you might like that. Cartman: Yeah, dude. You're hilarious. Cupid Me: And do you think I'm cute, too? 'Cause I think you're kind of cute. Cartman: [his smile vanishes] Stop that, Cupid Me. I told you I'm not homosexual, okay? It's not funny. Cupid Me: Oh, well, at least Tweek and Craig are in love now. [flits away] Cartman: Yep. School tomorrow should be really interesting. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, hallway. Stan is talking to Kyle, who is switching out books in his locker. Stan: And so my dad talked to me about it. Kyle: Yeah? Stan: And my dad said that Asians have always done this, and they, like, do make people gay. Cartman: [runs up to them] You guys! You guys, hurry! Kyle: What? Cartman: It's, It's Tweek and Craig, dude! They're about to have sex! [runs off. Stan and Kyle follow.] Scene Description: At the intersection of two hallways, a crowd has gathered around Tweek and Craig. Craig: Got a fuckin' problem, man?! [pushes Tweek back] Tweek: You're the one with the fuckin' problem! [pushes Craig back] Craig: I told you to stay a hundred yards from me! Tweek: You'd better not fuckin' push me again, man! Cartman: Oh-ho come on, you guys. Get a room. [Craig and Tweek start fighting. Soon Cartman grabs onto Kevin for support] Scene Description: PC Principal's office, day. He's got the phone receiver in one hand, a hand grip in the other PC Principal: Hello, Mr. Tucker. I need to inform you that your son was in an altercation at school today. Thomas: [at his office.] Craig? Craig got in a fight? [grins] PC Principal: Yes, with his boyfriend. Just a lovers' quarrel, probably. [Craig and Tweek are seated opposite] Craig: Goddammit! PC Principal: Something to be expected in relationships. Apparently there were no affirmative consent issues, as your son knows the right way to play with another boy's penis. Thomas: Oh God!... [facepalm] PC Principal: There's not gonna be any disciplinary action since they are gay. We wanna be supportive, so we're just gonna send them on home with some money, alright? Alright, you have a nice day. Thomas: Money? Scene Description: The Forbidden City, China, day. A woman walks into an office and addresses someone in there. The camera pans left to show the president of the People's Republic of China, Xi Jinping. Apparently, it's a call for him, and he answers his phone Xi Jinping: Wei? Ni hao [(Hello? Who is there?)] Randy: [on the other end, in his study] Uh, hi, Mr. Jinping. Thanks for taking my call, I was... just wondering if you could shed some light on how your people decide who will be gay and who will be straight. Xi Jinping: What? Randy: [sighs] I'm sorry, I-I don't speak Asian, but... um, oh uh, oh, y-yao, yaoi. Yaoi, yes? Boizu rabu. Huh, how does that work? Xi Jinping: That-a come from-a Japan. Randy: Oh, it's Japan that decides? [Stan walks into the study.] How the hell do they actually make people geh-? [notices Stan] Aaaa-a-ah, Japan. Of course, is who does the yaoi to make people gay. Xi Jinping: They are dogs! [pounds his desk with his left fist] who refused, and not apologized, to the Chinese republic! Randy: Uh huh, yes, that of course I do already know about homosexuality. Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. Cartman is browsing the Web on his phone. The doorbell rings and Liane goes to the front door to answer it Delivery man: Hi, flower delivery for Eric Cartman? [Cartman hears this and looks over] Liane: Oh my, how beautiful. [signs for the flowers and takes them to Cartman] Oh, look, sweetie, someone sent you flowers. Cartman: [sets his phone down, takes the bouquet, and reads the attached note.] "Can't we just try? Tee Hee." Oh man. Liane: Who are they from, hon? Cartman: Someone who needs a real talking to. Scene Description: At the buffet restaurant. Cartman and Cupid Me are in a booth Cartman: Look, it's flattering, okay? But it doesn't change the fact that there's nothing here for you to keep pursuing. Cupid Me: Teeheehee. Aw, come on, let's be like Tweek and Craig. Everyone thinks they're kewl. Cartman: You are wasting your time. I'm not attracted to guys. Cupid Me: But I'm so attracted to you. Cartman: I realize that, but I'm sorry. I need you to stop bothering me. [the smile leaves Cupid Me's face. Cartman's voice gets quieter] This... is done. I'm just not a homosexual. [dejected, Cupid Me goes limp in mid-air.] Scene Description: The Tweek house, day. The doorbell rings and Richard goes to answer it. Craig is just outside. Richard: Well, hello Craig. Honey, it's Craig. Mom: Awww, hi Craig. Craig: Is Tweek home? Richard: He sure is. Come on in. [holds the door open for Craig. From his house, Randy gives Richard a thumbs up. Richard returns the gesture and closes the door, then joins Mrs. Tweek and Craig in the middle of the living room] Would you like to have some coffee, Craig? Craig: No, thank you, I just want to see Tweek. Mom: Awww. Richard: Tweek's just up in his room playing. You can go on up. [Craig starts going upstairs] Oh, uh, but keep the door open, alright? [Craig gets mad at the insinuation. Richard says to his wife] They're so gay. Scene Description: Tweek's room, moments later. Tweek is trying to put some Lego's together, but it's frustrating for him. He drinks more coffee. Craig enters the room. Craig: Hey dude. [this makes Tweek spit out his coffee, and he gets off his chair] Tweek: No, no! What are you doing here? [keeps his distance] Craig: Tweek, calm down. We have to put a stop to this. Tweek: There's no stopping it! The whole world wants me to be something I'm not! Craig: Me too, dude! But there's something we can do. Tweek: What?? Craig: We have to come out and say we're gay. Tweek: What?! Are you insane?! The way everyone-! Craig: Wait. Wait! Because if we're gay, we can break up. And if we break up, no more pictures! We just have to stage a fake breakup in front of the Asian girls. Tweek: Like acting? No man, that is way too much pressure! I'll fail- Craig: You can do it, Tweek! You're capable of more than you think. Tweek: Agh. I'm a terrible actor. Craig: You just follow my lead, and try and make it believable, okay? Tweek: Oh gah-okay. Oh God! Scene Description: Skeeter's Wine Bar, day. Thomas Tucker is at the bar with Skeeter and Darryl Weathers. Thomas: What did I do wrong, huh? Everyone's so damned happy, but... but why did this have to happen to my son?! What did I do to make my son like this? Randy: Hey, hey, whoa, you didn't do anything. Thomas: Oh, what? You know about this? Randy: Yeah, let me handle thisk guys, I'm PC. Look, Thomas, you need to understand that being gay isn't a decision. You know, a lot of people think that Asians decide who's gay and who's not. But it isn't all Asians, it's just specifically the Japanese, okay? Thomas: What? Randy: [turns around] Why do the Japanese make some people gay and others not? [turns around again] Well, it all goes back to World War II, and atrocities that happened in China called the Rape of Don King. Skeeter: Hey, you sure know a lot about this. Randy: Yes I do. Scene Description: The school hallway, at that moment. The same seven boys are gathered there again Kyle: No, dude, I looked it up. Yaoi is just an art style for girls by girls because they like fictionalizing two guys in a relationship. Stan: But why? Kyle: I don't know. But the point is, there's nothing about it that means Tweek and Craig are actually gay, at all. Scene Description: The school lobby, later. The Asian girls are back on the steps, and three of them are smiling. Tweek walks past them and stops when he hears someone calling him Craig: Hey, Tweek! Hold up. Listen, it's just not going to work. [the smiles vanish] Tweek: What? Why not? [Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Davíd, and Butters arrive] Craig: I'm sorry, Tweek, but we can't lie to ourselves anymore. [turns to face the gathering crowd of kids] Yes, we are gay, but we do not belong together. Tweek: We don't belong together? What suddenly changed, Craig? Craig: It's just that people are different. That's all. Tweek: Uh huh. And who the hell is Michael?! Huh?! You wanna tell me that?! [jaws begin to drop] Craig: What? What are you, what are you talking about? Tweek: I went through your phone when we went out last night, Craig! I saw your texts to Michael about hooking up with him! Craig: Wait, uh, that's, that's not what happened. Tweek: Oh, it's not? Craig: No. [tries to get Tweek back on track] Uh, look, we both know this is for the better. Tweek: Oh, don't use that lame shit on me, man! You don't wanna feel bad, so you try and tell me what I want? Craig: Wait, don't make me out to be the bad guy here. Tweek: [tears up, voice cracks] Noho, you're not the bad guy! You're never the bad guy, are you?! You, you just step on people and you use them! Craig: [tries again] You're going too far, dude. This is like, totally not necessary. Tweek: Agh-I'm going too far?! What is wrong with you? Craig: This wasn't part of the plan! Tweek: Well, guess what, Craig! Love doesn't follow a plan! Butters: Yeah! Tweek: [tears fill his eyes] I was totally wrong about you. I opened myself up and let you in. But you've got spikes, man. You've got spikes. [walks away. Before he goes off screen, he breaks out in a big grin.] Wendy: [steps forward to Tweek's spot] Tweek. [glares at Craig, then follows Tweek concerned. Craig looks at the other kids, who glare at him and walk away. The Asian girls even leave their drawing tools behind] Craig: Dude, seriously? Seriously? Scene Description: "Say Something" begins to play. A rainy-day montage begins. First, the Tucker house. Laura is on the phone. Laura: They... they broke up? [Thomas turns around and smiles at the news. He notices Craig walking up to the front door, head down, and lets him in. He notices Craig's mood and his smile disappears.] Scene Description: The montage continues. The mural on the side of the school begins to smear. An Asian girl cries as she draws something new - Tweek and Craig with their backs to each other, with some distance between them. Tweek walks through the hallway grinning at first, but his smile vanishes when he notices how sad the other kids look. The outdoor art fair is still open on a rainy day. Most of the art now has an angry Craig and a dejected Tweek on it. One piece has Craig talking to a new boy while Tweek looks in from outside, and another has Craig pushing pins into a Tweek plush as if it were a voodoo doll. Next, Cupid Me looks in from outside as Cartman is asleep in bed. Cupid Me flits away. Gerald and Sheila replace a happy Craig x Tweek painting with a breakup one. Stan is shown sad on his bed, while Sharon is shown sad in the kitchen. Randy appears at the doorway and opens his mouth to say something, but decides against it and walks away. Mayor McDaniels is at her husband's grave. Richard Tweek is crying at the dining room table and his wife tries to console him. Tweek picks in from the kitchen Scene Description: Ruffians Gay Bar, day. Some men are playing pool, two others chat next to the jukebox. Cartman walks in, scans the room, and walks up to the bar Cartman: What are you doing? This place isn't you. [Cupid Me is shown, with a mug of beer an empty scotch glass, and an ashtray full of cigarette butts.] Cupid Me: I'm just here to pick up on guys. Why? are you jealous? Cartman: No I'm not. I'm here because we need you right now. Cupid Me: Oh, now you need me, huh? Fuck you, dude. Cartman: Fuck you. Man 1: What is that kid doing here? Man 2: He's just kind of talking to himself. Cartman: The whole town is sad. Cupid Me, you have to help. Cupid Me: Well, I guess I could try now, in return for just... one date? Cartman: [hushed shouting] I'm not homosexual! Cupid Me: Then I guess I'm not interested. Cartman: Ugh. Alright, one date. But only if you help get Tweek and Craig back together. Cupid Me: Teeheehee! Teeheeheeheehee! Bartender: Hey, kid, what do you think you're doing here? Cartman: Oh, hey, whoa, whoa-whoa-whoa. I'm not here for me, I'm here for my friend, okay? [the bartender doesn't see any friend with him] Scene Description: The Tucker house, day. The doorbell rings and Thomas arrives to answer it. Tweek is just outside Tweek: Hi, is Craig here, sir? Thomas: Why can't you quit him? [begins to close the door-] Laura: Thomas! Thomas: [lets Tweek in] Five minutes. He's in the back. [Tweek goes on in and goes out the sliding door in back. Craig is working on his bicycle.] Tweek: Hey, dude. Craig: What do you want? Tweek: I thought when we broke up everything would get better. I was thinking maybe we should say we're back together. Craig: Dude, I'm not gay and neither are you! Tweek: What does that have to do with anything? Craig: You think you can just pull that shit you pulled at school, saying I step on people and use them?! And I'll just take you back? Tweek: You said to make it seem real. Craig: Not that real! Now everyone thinks I'm a manipulative cheater! I'll never get any chicks! Tweek: I'm so sorry, Craig. You, you made me believe in myself in a way I never have before. I didn't think I had any of that in me, but... you were right. I can do more than I think. You... changed something in me and I just... I wanna fix whatever's hurting you now. [Thomas, who's been looking out the window, begins to cry] Craig: I can't be something because everyone wants me to be. I have to be myself. You'll just have to go be gay with someone else. Tweek: Alright Craig. Alright. [turns left and walks away] Scene Description: The Tucker House Thomas: I can see how much they're both hurting, but... Can't you understand that in my time we just didn't accept this? [rests his head on his left hand] Maybe it's not so wrong, I, I just don't want it to be my son. [Cupid Me flits in and giggles] Cupid Me: You just need a little prick of magic. [shoots an arrow into Thomas' head] And I'll pee in your mouth a little bit. [follows through] Thomas: Then again, he's my son no matter what. I can't just shut down on him. Cupid Me: Teeheeheehee, teeheeheehee. [flits away. Moments later, Thomas shows up at Craig's bedroom door. Craig is on his bed, sad] Thomas: [enters] Son, you need to listen to me. [sits down on the bed] You can't fight being gay. I used to think that being gay was a choice, but, you don't get to decide. Japan picks who they pick, and that's that. I don't understand this stuff. Heck, I didn't even know Don King got raped, but... I do know that if you try and resist it, you make yourself miserable your whole life. Everyone was so proud of you, Ah I was just being selfish. I wanna be proud of you too. I like gay Craig. I love you. Here's a hundred dollars. [puts the bill in Craig's hand and walks out the door] Scene Description: Shi Tpa Town. Soft piano music plays in the background. Tweek walks with his head down near City Wok. Eventually he and Craig cross paths. They both stop and look at each other. Craig then turns towards the same direction that Tweek is facing and extends his left hand out. After some hesitation, Tweek takes his hand and they walk in the same direction. They eventually walk past Whole Foods where Randy and Mr. and Mrs. Testaburger notice them and cheer them on. Japanese singer: Maybe we should go away. Put cares aside for just a day. Scene Description: At the crosswalk in front of Dee's Meats, Tweek and Craig continue holding hands as they enter the crosswalk. Token is shocked while his parents as well as The Stotches look on with a smile and approval Scene Description: Brofloski residence. Gerald and Sheila meet in front of a painting of Tweek and Craig, and hold hands Japanese singer: The world we face is a-not so big. Not if we are strong like Tweek and Craig. Scene Description: Marsh residence, kitchen. Sharon is washing dishes. Randy comes up behind her and gives her a bouquet of flowers. In the background, the sound of drums now accompany the piano. Japanese singer: Hontou ni sakana ga oishii ["The fish is really delicious"] Scene Description: Footage of Assassin's Creed Syndicate is shown on a television set. Craig is playing the video game while Tweek is next to him on the couch and talking. Japanese singer: Let's go back to when it was new. Weren't we such happy peopleru? Scene Description: Outside the house, several adults look through a window and smile at Craig and Tweek as they continue to play and talk Japanese singer: Life was simple, problems vague. Scene Description: City Hall. The Mayor is at her desk. She looks at a picture frame of her deceased husband, then holds it against her chest. Japanese Singer: We had it all, a lot like Tweek and Craig. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway. Heads turn as Craig and Tweek walk through the hallways hand in hand. Stan, Kyle and Butters are visibly shocked, while Leslie Meyers smiles at the couple. Scene Description: Akihabara, Japan, evening. A view of the evening sky and neon lit buildings is shown. Inside a karaoke bar, the Japanese singer is revealed to be a businessman, who is singing on a stage in front of other office workers. Behind him are monitors showing live action footage of Tweek and Craig, with Craig offering Tweek some flowers. The lyrics are shown below at the bottom of the screen Japanese singer: And in the darkness we all seek A perfect love like Craig and Tweek. Scene Description: Live action footage of Tweek and Craig is shown on screen. They are walking around, hand in hand, in a field. They pull each other in and eventually hug. Then, they sit on a tree branch, with Tweek resting his head on Craig's shoulder. The lyrics are shown at the bottom of the screen in karaoke style Japanese singer: We must fight or love's a goner. We must hold Tweek and Craig with the...[music stops] Scene Description: Tucker residence. An overhead shot of Thomas and Laura asleep on their bed. He is suddenly awoken by the sound of the Japanese singer yelling in Japanese and looks around the room Japanese singer: ...highest honor! Ganbarou! ["Let's give it our all!"] Irasshai! ["Welcome!"] Scene Description: China. Xi Jinping is sitting at his desk and smiling at his female secretary. Suddenly, he gets up and they passionately kiss. The piano music resumes. Japanese singer: I hope you know when you are down Scene Description: Stotch residence, Butter's bedroom. Butters is at his computer, Skyping with Charlotte Japanese singer: That you turned my life around. Just like the quote from Shakespeare said Scene Description: Cartman residence, Eric's room. The camera slowly pans down to a naked Eric laying down on his stomach atop of his bed. Japanese singer: I'm your Tweek, [slowing] and you're my Craig. Cartman: [in bed, moaning in a rhythmic fashion] Okay, okay, the date's almost over. Cupid Me: [pops up behind Cartman] Teeheehee. Aren't you liking your massage? Cartman: It's fine. It just doesn't really do anything for me. Cupid Me: Well, I've got something you might like a little better. [goes back behind Cartman... and under...] Cartman: Cu- Cupid Me, no! No, I'm straight! Cupid Me: Teeheeheehee! Cartman: Cupid Me, what are you doing?! Oh my God! [next, he's in the bathroom. Liane walks past, but stops to listen in] Oh Cupid Me, that's enough! Okay, that's it, Cupid Me! That's it! [Liane opens the door and sees Cartman masturbating furiously on the toilet] That's it, Cupid Me. Okay, that's it. That's it, Cupid Me. [Liane closes the door] Liane: Awww.

Scene Description: South Park, day. Two police officers are patrolling the town in their vehicle Sgt. Yates: Attention all units in the vicinity of South Park Elementary! [the officers pay attention] We have a code red! [units begin showing up] Principal calling for help during school assembly! All officers needed at once! Officer Barbrady: [in his patrol car eating a sub sandwich and drinking soda] The school? [puts down his food and starts the motor] Oh Jeez Louise! [turns his siren on and drives off. More units arrive at the school, even heavily-armed SWAT officers. They all arm themselves. Barbrady runs into one of the other cars] Sgt. Yates: [to the assembled officers] We need to get to the gym! Half go this way, half go around the side! Barbrady, you go around back! [the officers disperse. Barbrady goes into the school and finds empty hallways. He stops for a moment and one can hear him pant. He barges into the Fourth Grade classroom and finds it deserted. He goes through the school lobby and finds no one.] Officer 1: On 3 1... 2... [Instead of getting to 3, the officers enter the gym with their weapons drawn. More cops enter from the other end.] PC Principal: There she is, officers, right there. I told you to stop chatting with your friend, didn't I, Leslie? You [Leslie looks at him, bewildered] see, officers, apparently Leslie thinks that talking to her friends is more important than learning about diversity in third-world countries. [pulls out a laser pen light and lights Leslie up with it.] That one. That's her right there. You remove her from my school. Barbrady: [barges into the gym] Whoa! Nobody move! What's happening? PC Principal: Get her out of here! [the light from his pointer falls upon Barbrady] Barbrady: Oh, they've got me! [reflexively fires a shot, which hits a boy on the right shoulder] Boy: AAAAAH! PC Principal: Waaaah! Scene Description: South Park City Hall, later. The Mayor, her aides, and two other people Mayor McDaniels: This town is outraged, Officer Barbrady! People are tired of the police not being held accountable for their actions! Barbrady: Mayor, I didn't know if there was a gunman, or a bomb- Mayor McDaniels: You shot an unarmed six year old Latino child! Barbrady: I'm sorry. Mayor McDaniels: You're fired. Barbrady: No, Mayor, please. This is all I know. I used to be the only policeman in this town, remember? Bob, ah I used to chase away the sixth graders for you. Mayor McDaniels: You're from another time, Barbrady. And the last thing that needs to go. Your gun and your badge. [Barbrady takes them and lays them on the table] And your sunglasses. Barbrady: [emotional] No, please, not my sunglasses. Johnson: You're done, Barbrady! The town doesn't want you here! [reluctantly, Brabrady takes off his sunglasses and lays them on the table.] Barbrady: Where should I go? Johnson: You should have thought of that before you shot a Mexican! Mayor McDaniels: Latino-American. Johnson: Latino-American. [blinks hard] Shit. Mayor McDaniels: You should go away. You don't belong anywhere in a town as progressive as this one. Scene Description: SoDoSoPa, at Kenny's house. The mall and construction sites are still there, but the homeless have moved in. Kenny opens the door to take the trash out. Homeless man 1: [sleeping upstairs at the abandoned Steed] Aaay, quiet down over there, I'm tryin' to sleep. Stuart: [steps outside] Goddammit! You people all get out of here! Homeless man 2: [sleeping upstairs at "Bi the garage"] What makes you in charge? [Karen appears at the living room window] Stuart: 'Cause this is my fuckin' house! Homeless man 3: [kicks a trashcan and walks over to him] Hey beat it, man, or I'll make you my bitch! [Karen screams. Stuart gets Kenny back inside and Karen leaves the window.] Scene Description: The McCormick living room. Stuart places a call as his family stands to one side watching him. Stuart: Yeah, we've got a bunch of drunk-addict vagrants trespassing on our yard and we need assistance. Sgt. Yates: [in his office] Oh, is that so? Well, we'd like to come help you, but we don't wanna get fired. Stuart: What are you talkin' about? There's homeless people here and they're scarin' my kids! You need to come do somethin' about this! Sgt. Yates: I see. And are any of these homeless people of a minority persuasion? Stuart: Why does that matter? Sgt. Yates: Oh, it matters. See, it used be we could beat up minorities and nobody cared. It's the reason a lot of us joined the force. [lowers the phone a bit] Hey Mitch, you wanna go down and arrest some homeless people but not be able to beat up any minorities? Mitch: No thank you. Sgt. Yates: Yeah, no, I think we're good. In fact, we're thinking of maybe turning the whole department into a hula school. Whattaya think? Stuart: God Dammit! [slams the phone down onto the base unit] Carol: What are they doing? Stuart: They're not coming! Carol: But they have to! Karen brought in one of their syringes, for Christ's sake! Stuart: Well that's just too bad! The cops won't come, so there's nobody to scare the homeless away! Scene Description: turns around and walks away. Kenny lowers his head and looks down and to the right Scene Description: Officer Barbrady's apartment. He walks in and sets his sack lunch over the TV, then takes off his jacket and puts it on the coat rack Barbrady: Hi, sweetheart. I've uh... I've been let go from the force. I'm so sorry.[an old dog raises its head and lets out a small groan. He walks over to it] Don't worry, old girl. [kneels down next to the dog and starts stroking it] It might be a little tough to afford your medication, but I'll find a way. You know me. I like to help. I like to be needed. Scene Description: Neighborhood park, day. Stan and Kyle are shooting hoops. Kyle takes a shot and misses. Cartman runs up to them. Cartman: You guys! Oh my God you guys! You guys, they're gay! [Butters catches up] They're totally gay! Stan: Who? Cartman: Kenny and Token. Kyle: What? Cartman: Kenny and Token, dude. They're so gay. Butters told me. Kyle: You're lying. Cartman: No dude. In those old abandoned buildings around Kenny's house, Kenny and Token turned it into a big ninja clubhouse. And they dress and play ninjas in it trying to scare people away. Kyle: How is that gay? Cartman: It's the gayest thing ever dude? Ninjas are fuckin' dumb! Dude, come one! We've gotta go see this! Butters: Over this way! [they all go have a look] Scene Description: SoDoSoPa, later. Two ninjas spring into view and go to two posts around the edge of the roof. Token: We will defend our ninja honor! [spotting something over a crossbow] Intruders! Protect the base! [the four boys come into view] Hey guys, did you come to see our ninja fortress? Cartman: [in hushed tones] Oh my God they're so gay you guys. Stan: You and Kenny built all this? Token: Yeah, with Clyde and David too. [Clyde swings into view while David climbs up a rope.] Clyde: You guys should come and check it out. Cartman: Ah, no, we're good, thanks. [in hushed tones] Oh my God this is a sausage party! Clyde: It's pretty cool, dude. People are scared of us. Cartman: [sarcastically] Yeah, I'm sure they are. [a big truck stops in its tracks.] Driver: Hey, excuse me, man, do you know where-? [Arabic music plays and the ninjas began showing off their moves.] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAH! Look! AAAAH! Passenger: Go, go, go! [the truck takes off. The four boys look on in wonder, Cartman walks into the street. The truck reaches the end of the block and hangs a left, and disappears] Cartman: That's pretty cool. Scene Description: Skeeter's Wine Bar, evening. Skeeter serves up some wine Gerald: Well the way I heard it was that the girl in the school wasn't even doing anything. Just talking too loud. And someone ends up getting shot. Skeeter: Hey! What you want? Barkley: It's okay, I'm off duty. Just came in for a nice pinot. Patron: Yeah? Well go somewhere else, copper! CtPaTown is for people who care about each other! Skeeter: We don't take kindly to folks who impose their authority on the underprivileged! Barkley: Now look, not all cops are racist trigger-happy assholes. Randy: Really? I'll bet you don't even know what "farm to table" means. [Barkley stands there a moment and then walks out, letting the door slam shut. Bar patrons cheer and holler at their success] Randy: [steps forward] Wow. We've only had a Whole Foods for a month and already we don't need cops. So cool. [smiles] Scene Description: SoDoSoPa, day. Token is giving a lesson. Token: It is a great honor to see that you all want to be ninjas. Joining our club is very serious. You must promise to uphold the warrior's code. [Butters and Cartman, Stan and Kyle are now dressed as ninjas] Cartman: Totally dude, ninjas are sweet. Token: Together we must strive to make our fortress super bad-ass and keep all intruders out! To that end, let us proceed to our training. Cartman: [catches up to a ninja] Dude, can I talk to you for a minute? Listen, I don't think we should let Kyle be a ninja, okay? He said ninjas were gay. He's probably gonna try and turn it around on me, but that's 'cause Kyle knows I heard him. Kyle: You're talking to Kyle right now. Cartman: Yeah, cool... it's me, Butters. Kyle: You're the one who said ninjas were gay. Why do you wanna make this a problem? Cartman: I'm just, I'm just Butters, man. I have problems with lots of things. Butters: Hey Eric, you wanna try sparring with me? Cartman: Yes I do, Butters. [kicks him in the nuts and walks away] Butters: OOF. Ow. Ahem. Clyde: Intruders! [two homeless men approach the fortress with filled grocery bags] Homeless man 4: Yeah, it's right up here. We can shoot up in these abandoned buildings. [the ninjas, eight in all, appear before them and make a show of force. The men begin to confuse them for ISIS, drop their bags, and run away] Scene Description: A news break Anchor: The town of South Park is holding a large protest tonight outside of their police department. The townspeople say the protest is meant to begin a dialog about the relationship between law enforcement and the citizens they are supposed to protect. Scene Description: A montage begins to "Fuck the Police" playing in the background. The protest is shown, with everyone giving the middle finger to the cops. Even Fr. Maxi gives them the finger. Yates and his men look down from their second-story windows. Next, Whole Foods is shown. A shopper spots Officer Stevens and throws his cart right at him. Stevens turns around to see what hit him. The shopper feigns shock, then shrugs his shoulders and turns and walks away. Other shoppers laugh at his prank. Next is (vernacular), where a couple sits al fresco. They watch as Stevens sees his police car, now vandalized with "I'M A DOUCHE". Next is Officer Barbrady at home with his aged dog. Next, Sgt. Yates reads the South Park times. Its lead headline: NO TO PIGS! YES TO FREE-RANGE PORK. Next, two officers drive down a street when they spot someone. It's Randy in his bathrobe, standing outside, He shows off his cock and balls as the officers roll by slowly. ShiTpaTown is shown. Barbrady drops into a fast-food restaurant to look for work. The staff there quickly kicks him out. Two homeless men approach SoDoSoPa only to flee when they see the ninja kids swarming the place. Barbrady returns to find an eviction notice taped to his door. Randy reaches Whole Foods for some shopping, but finds a homeless man in his way sleeping on the sidewalk. Then he looks at Whole Foods and sees the parking area filled with homeless people Scene Description: Channel 4 News segment. Anchor: Are your children being lured into terrorist organizations? A shocking report shows that some kids in the town of South Park are swearing loyalty to a murderous regime. Cartman: Yeah, we're pretty bad-ass, and um, this is, like, our fortress, and you can see it's really cool. Reporter: And what about this way of life has attracted you? Butters: We're just cool 'cause we're tough, and we fight and stuff, and we can ah-. Cartman: Yeah yeah yeah, and it's like, we can do whatever we want, and people are scared of us, it's totally rad! Stan: Then why'd you say it was gay before? Cartman: Oh my God! I never said it was gay! Token: Wait, he said this was gay? Cartman: That is a total lie!! Why would I say anything homophobic about the way Tweek and Craig make love?! [points to Stan] He's a lying, backstabbing Jew! Stan: I'm Stan. Anchor: No doubt the growing number of kids swearing loyalty to ISIS could be problematic for the progressive town. Scene Description: Whole Foods, day. Barbrady takes his place among the homeless, up against an exterior wall. Barbrady: [to his dog] Here you go, old girl. We'll just have to make do. [Randy exits the store with some groceries, but fails to notice Barbrady nearby] Randy: Ew. [keeps walking] Homeless man 5: Spare a dollar? Randy: No I don't I'm sorry thank you Goddammit ew. [the Mayor and her aides survey the situation by Skeeter's Bar. Randy sees her and approaches] Mayor, I didn't bust my ass to gentrify this part of town to have it overrun with homeless people! Mayor McDaniels: Why are they all suddenly coming here? Gerald: [arrives with Sheila] Mayor, what are you going to do about this? My wife and I can barely eat or shop. Mayor McDaniels: When a town like ours has a homeless problem it must look at the root of what's causing it. Stephen: [arrives with Linda] It's ISIS! Randy: What? Stephen: They're these troubled kids who've turned their backs on America! They've taken over SoDoSoPa, forced all the homeless out! Gerald: Why would kids in our town wanna be a part of that? Stephen: They're just bad kids! Rotten on the inside! Probably with shitty parents! Scene Description: Jimmy's house. His parents are at the breakfast nook with him. Ryan: Son, I've always tried to be a fair dad. Eh I I don't want to meh make you angry, but... why? Jimmy: Well Dad, I just re-really like being a part of something. I feel like it's character-building and it's lots of fun. Ryan: Fun? But what do you... believe in? Jimmy: What do we believe in? We believe in something greater than ourselves, and that by following our strict warrior code we believe that our faiths and our traditions are a way to a greater path - the p-p-p-path of the warrior. And as long as we stay united in honor we can defeat all our enemies. [this is beginning to freak Ryan out, so he screams and leaves the table as fast as he can.] Wow, the fellas were right. People are really freaked out by ninjas. Scene Description: Park County Police Station, day. Randy leads the city council to police headquarters on the second floor Randy: Okay, we've just gotta be really apologetic and tell them we didn't mean it, okay? Gerald: Jeez, this is so embarrassing. Mayor McDaniels: What if they won't help us with the homeless? Stephen: I'm pretty sure the police will help out if it's because ISIS is taking over the town. [opens the double doors and leads the council in] Scene Description: Park County Holice Headquarters. The officers inside are all dancing slowly, gracefully, The city council is stunned Stephen: Officers, there's kids in town who have joined ISIS. We don't know who they are, but they-. Sgt. Yates: What? What's that, you say? Mayor McDaniels: The town is in danger, alright? We don't know what these kids are capable of. Sgt. Yates: Jeez, I'm sorry. We've got to work on our koholo kaloa, and get the lomi lomi chicken ready for the big ho'olao le'ao, which leaves us... oh, not enough time to deal with ISIS. Randy: Alright, look. There's homeless people all over our gentrified food and arts district. If you don't stop thewe twisted kids, then- Sgt. Yates: Hey, who was it that said "fuck the police"? Was that Ice Cube? Tupac? Oh, right, that was you guys! Sorry, but I guess you'll have to find somebody else to do all the difficult dirty shit you don't want to do yourselves. I've gotta be ready for the luau. I might even kiss a dude. Scene Description: Back at SoDoSoPa, the ninjas are going through exercises. Cartman and Butters talk Cartman: So then, after you told me, we went over to Kyle and Stan when they were playing basketball, remember? Butters: Yeah? Cartman: And we said Kenny and Token were playing ninjas, and Kyle said that ninjas were gay, and I said ninjas are gay, but it was a question. You remember? Butters: Uh I thought you said it first. Cartman: No nonono, see? Now Kyle got everyone remembering it wrong because he doesn't wanna get kicked out of the group. That's what Jews do when they get caught in a lie. You cannot trust a Jewish ninja, Butters. Token: You guys! You guys! Stan: What? Token: Actual Ninjas. Wanna talk to us. Clyde: What? Token: Kenny and I both just got the same email from people overseas. Cartman: Whoa, dude. Stan: How's they found out who we were? Cartman: They're fuckin' ninjas, dude! Scene Description: At Bi the garage, a computer is set up for video conferencing. An ISIS leader appears on screen. ISIS leader: So, you are the brave children who have committed to our cause. We are aware of what you are doing and we are very impressed. Stan: Cool. Thanks, dude. ISIS leader: What you are doing is very important and we would like to help you however we can. We are going to be wiring you some money. Butters: Whoa, cool! Why, this is the greatest thing ever you guys! Cartman: Ah, excuse me. Can I just set the record straight on something? ISIS leader: Of course. Cartman: Should Jews be trusted? [no response. A few seconds later...] Uh I mean, if one of us is a Jew, do you see that as being at all problematic? ISIS leader: Extremely. Cartman: YES! [dances away] YEEES! ["Can't Touch This" begins to play and Cartman does arm waves.] Oh-oh, oh-oh! Oh-oh, oh-oh! What did I tell you guys? Scene Description: Whole Foods, night. A closeup of Barbrady snoozing Randy: [his shadow falls upon ex-Officer Barbrady] Hey Barbrady. [tries to wake him up] Officer Barbrady. Barbrady: Uh, who? Randy: Hey buddy. [flanking him are the Mayor and her aides, and the Stotches] Barbrady: What do you want? Johnson: How would you like to be a policeman again? Barbrady: I'm no good as a policeman. I'm a bumbling old fool. Stephen: That is not true! Who said that? Look, Barbrady, the fact is, the town needs you. Barbrady: They need me? To do what? Randy: We need you to shoot some kids. [smiles] Barbrady: No! Shoot kids? I don't wanna shoot kids! Randy: Shh! Shhh! Shhhh! These are really bad kids. Terrorists. This is totally different from before. Barbrady: No. No. Are any of them minorities? Aide: A couple of them, we think. Yeah. Barbrady: Noo no no no no no no no no! Mayor McDaniels: Sh, look, look look, Barbrady, Barbrady! We were wrong about you. I... was wrong about you. You... protected this town back before anybody else ever did. You used to do it all on your own. We need you to do that again. [takes out his sunglasses from her inside coat pocket and hands them to him. He puts them on and his sadness disappears] Randy: You're the only cop this town needs, Barbrady. Go shoot those kids. Scene Description: SoDoSoPa, night. The ninjas are still going through exercises, but inside the abandoned Savor The Goodness store. Something is standing next to the punching bags Cartman: You guys, I know this is hard for all of us. But to truly be ninjas, we must face hard facts. Last night I spoke in private with our ninja leader overseas. We talked a long time about Jews and the Hebrew faith. He told me a lot I didn't know. And I was able to tell him some things he did not know. But after talking with that guy, it is abundantly clear to me that Jews cannot be ninjas. I went to Kyle's house to talk to him about it, and I found this. [pulls out a drawing of two ninjas, one of them having anal sex with the other one] It was then that Kyle confessed to me about how he had brainwashed Butters and Stan into thinking I had used a homophobic slur to refer to our organization. And he almost got away with it. That's when Kyle tried to kill me. Luckily I was the faster ninja. [reveals the, uh, guilty ninja, who's strapped into a chair and his ninja head covering is duck-taped over his face] Kyle knew I would never call ninjas gay. When I take the gag off, he's going to try and tell you that I'm lying now. Do not believe him. Kyle is a liar. Kyle: I'm right here. [standing between Token and Stan] Cartman: [looks at the group, then at the bound ninja] Who, who is this? Stan: That's Clyde. Cartman: ...and I am Token. Why do I do these things, you ask? Black rage. Scene Description: Some moments later, Barbrady, now in uniform, makes it to SoDoSoPa and begins looking around. He drops down behind the vandalized station wagon. Barbrady: Oh Jesus. ISIS, oh God. Scene Description: The Marsh house, dinner time. The Marshes are at dinner, except for Stan Marvin: This chicken tastes like shit. What'd you do to it? Randy: Okay, okay Dad, it's not organic chicken. I'm not comfortable shopping at Whole Foods with all the homeless people there. But don't worry. That's all about to change. Soon we'll all have CtPaTown to enjoy again. Where's Stan? Sharon: He's playing ninjas over at Kenny's house. Randy: Ninjas? That's gay. [remembers the ISIS warriors who took over SoDoSoPa] He's playing ninjas at Kenny's house? Sharon: Yeah. Randy: You mean, SoDoSoPa? Sharon: Uh huh. Randy: [begins to think this over] Wait a minute... Ninjas... [Oriental and Arabic music alternate in his head] ...scary... gay... Scary. Gay. Scary gay scary gay. Sharon: Randy, what are you doing? Randy: Scary gay scary gay scary GAY. [runs out of the dining room] Staaaan!! [Shelly looks back at him] Scene Description: SoDoSoPa, night. The other ninjas replace Clyde with Cartman on the chair and tie him up. Cartman: Oh, I get the misunderstanding now. No, see, I told Clyde that Kyle said ninjas were gay, but Clyde thought I was Kyle, so then he was saying that I said ninjas were gay, meaning I as in Kyle. Kyle: Nobody ever gave a shit, you fat pig! Token: All those in favor of Cartman being kicked out of our ninja club? Ninjas: Hai! Cartman: No! You CAN'T kick me out! I have to be a ninja! They hate Jews. I was made for this, you guys! Please! Stan: What shall we do with him? [Barbrady climbs over a wall and quickly reaches the ninjas] Barbrady: [draws his gun] Freeze! [the ninjas turn around] Kyle: Oh shit! Barbrady: [trembling in fear] Please, I don't wanna shoot you. [the ninjas back away] Stan: Cool. Don't. Barbrady: Oh ho ho. [groans miserably and waves gun] Ninjas: Aaahaah. [Cartman shuts his eyes and faces left] Barbrady: I understand you feeling angry at this town. I'm getting pretty angry too. But we can't give up on it. Please boys, don't make it end violently. Randy: [finds the ninjas and Barbrady] They're just stupid ninjas! [tackles Barbrady, who instinctively fires off a shot. David is struck.] David: Aaa! Barbrady: Aaahaahaaawe! Scene Description: City Hall, day. The Mayor, Randy, and the city council face Barbrady Mayor McDaniels: What were you thinking?! Boys innocently playing ninja and you pull your gun on them? Aide: David Rodriguez was lucky to live! Barbrady: Everybody told me they were terrorists. Mayor McDaniels: We thought they were. But if it turns out they aren't, as a policeman, you have to figure that out! Barbrady: But, you said you needed me to kill some kids. Randy: Oh, he's gonna lay this on us now. I said kill some kids, but I said it as a question, remember? I said "Kill some kids?" Mayor McDaniels: I'm sorry, but we just can't cover your ass on this one. There's going to be an investigation and ... you just don't have what it takes to be a policeman in today's times. Johnson: Do you even know what "farm to table" means? [Barbrady takes off his glasses and lays them on the table.] Scene Description: Whole Foods, day. The South Park Police Department is back on duty and taking the homeless away from ShiTpaTown Barkley: Let's go people, you can't stay here. You are being relocated. Homeless man 6: Hey, you can't kick us out of here, man. Sgt. Yates: Oh no? I'm a cop. Randy: Thank you, officers. Sgt. Yates: We've got a deal, right? Mayor McDaniels: Yes. [she and Randy turn away and XXX*what do they do*XXX] Sgt. Yates: Alright you, come on! [punches the homeless man in the face. Other officers take time to abuse the homeless people a little. One officer kicks a homeless man in the balls twice while another officer holds him, then the two officers take him away. A street sweeper rolls by collecting all the homeless who are still sleeping on the street, and even a few who are walking around] Homeless man 6: Aaaah! Homeless man 7: [being led away by an officer] Please! You can't take me back to SoDoSoPa! ISIS is there! Officer 2: No, those were just ninjas. [they walk past the boys - Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny] Homeless man 7: Ninjas? Oh, that's so gay. Cartman: I told you guys. What did I tell you? I said ninjas are fuckin' gay but you didn't wanna listen, nooo! Scene Description: An interrogation room. Barbrady sits at a table with his dog to his left. A door opens and Barbrady looks up. An agent walks in with a folder, sits down, and sets the folder on the table Agent: Officer Barbrady. Barbrady: Yes? Agent: We've been watching you. And what we see is a man who truly wants to protect his town. Barbrady: You do? Agent: You've been in this town longer than almost anyone. Have you noticed... changes... lately? Barbrady: Yeah, a lot of changes. Agent: They aren't a coincidence, officer. They are all part of a plan to take down your beloved town and everyone in it. Barbrady: What? Agent: What do you know about a little girl named... [takes out a picture and shows it to Barbrady] Leslie? [with PC Principal pushing her on the swing]

Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Kids are filing into school. Inside, they go to their lockers and switch out books. PC Principal: [off-screen, but you can hear him slamming lockers shut] Who was it?! Somebody's about to get their asses kicked! [a bunch of kids run screen right.] When I find out who did this! Butters: [runs into view towards the other fourth graders] PC Principal is on the warpath! Run for your lives! [turns right and runs down another hallway] Stan: [to Kyle] Again? Kyle: Oh Jesus, now what? PC Principal: [appears at screen left and walks towards the fourth graders.] Who was it?! Huh?! Somebody better fess up RIGHT NOW! I'm gonna find out who did this! [Kyle closes his locker and begins to walk away. PC Principal notices] Broflovski! Was it you? Kyle: Was what me, sir? PC Principal: I just saw a copy of the school newspaper in which a student used the word "retarded" to refer to our cafeteria lunch policy! The word "retarded" does not belong in our school!! Who is in charge of the school paper?! 'Cause I'm about to break their fuckin' legs! Stan: Aaah, he's in charge of the school paper. [points to his right. PC Principal turns left and faces... Jimmy. PC Principal is speechless.] You gonna break his legs, PC Principal? Scene Description: Principal's office, moments later. PC Principal faces Jimmy. PC Principal: Alright, uhh, I I guess we haven't formally met before. Uhh, the reason I need to talk with you, Jason, is because of a very important- Jimmy: It's Jimmy, actually. My name is Jimmy, PC Principal. PC Principal: Alright, Jim. Thank you. I want to talk to you today about the use of the R word in your school paper. [holds up the paper, on which the subject on the front page is chocolate milk being removed from the school menu, "LEAVE OUR CHOCOLATE MILK ALONE"] You see, the 'R' word is very bad. Jimmy: Says who? PC Principal: Says me. Right? Now I know a thing or two about the rights of people with disabilities. When you use the 'R' word to describe the school's lunch policy, it can hurt people's hearts. [places his hand over his heart] Can you understand that at all? Jimmy: That was an op-ed piece in the paper written by a first grader who found the school lunch policy to be ridiculous, and he thought "r-retarded" to be the best word to describe it. As the editor of the paper, I didn't think it was right to censor the words the student used. PC Principal: ...Okay, well, from now on I'm gonna need to approve the school paper before you hand it out, okay? Jimmy: No. PC Principal: What'd you say? Jimmy: You're new here, so you don't understand how seriously I take my job as editor of the school paper. I don't allow ads, and I don't allow anything that might t-t-t-taint the truth behind what people are thinking. i don't want people to be afraid of words if it stops them from having a dialog. PC Principal: Look, I don't wanna get angry, okay? Jimmy: Why? Are you uncomfortable around people with disabilities? That's okay. Lot's of people are. PC Principal: No, I'm not. I am very not uncomfortable. Alright, look, unless I can approve your paper, it is not being distributed on campus, you got that? Jimmy: I can't hand out the school paper in school? PC Principal: Not unless it is approved by me. Do you understand? Jimmy: Yep, got it. Scene Description: Neighborhood, day. Jimmy went for distributing the school paper outside of school instead of letting PC Principal approve it for in-school distribution. He appears riding a small Thomas the Tank Engine scooter with small trailer behind him that holds all the papers and begins throwing copies of the paper to all the houses Jimmy: Don't forget to read the school paper! Now delivered directly to your door. [Wendy is the first student to get the paper. Clyde is next] Super School News! [Jimmy smiles and rides away. His seventh delivery is to Butters' house. Stephen opens the door and the paper smacks him in the face. He manages to catch it though. Jimmy goes on to the PC Delta house and tosses a paper there too. A few PC Bros are lounging around outside] PC bro 10: What is that, bro? [the front door opens and PC Principal walks out.] PC Principal: [picks up the paper, takes off the rubber band, and reads it. The headline there: "PC PRINCIPAL'S 'RETARDED' POLICY, by Jimmy Valmer] Jimmy: [holds up his right middle finger at him] S-s-s-suck my dick, PC Principal! [rides away. PC Principal's bros look at the principal.] Scene Description: Inside PC Delta, later. PC Principal barely contains his anger as he paces about PC Principal: Who does this kid think he is?! Challenging me?! I said one micro-aggression to him, okay?! One little micro-aggression! But that doesn't mean I have an unconscious bias towards people with disabilities! PC bro 4: No way, bro! That's wack! PC Principal: But why would a person with a disability not see that what I'm trying to do is actually protect them? PC bro 9: Sometimes victims of oppression are so marginalized that they begin to sympathize with their oppressors. PC bro 11: Yeah bro. PC Principal: You're right. This kid just needs to be shown he's being an Uncle Abel. I can always count on my PC frat brothers to have my back. Let's go PC! PC bros: PC Woo! Scene Description: The Stotch house, night. Butters' parents are in bed. Stephen is reading the school paper, Linda is looking at her smartphone. Stephen: Wow. [turns the page] Wow, this is so great. Have you ever read the elementary school newspaper, Linda? There's no ads, no sponsored content, no links to click on. Just news stories about what's happening. [looks at her] Did you know that the police in ShiTpaTown beat up homeless to clear them out? [returns to the paper] Do you know long it's been since I was able to just sit back and read the news? I got so used to getting news off the Internet. But I feel like I'm always trying to chase the news somehow. [sets the paper down on his laps] It's like I'm in a black void, trying to reach the news story. [he's shown doing this in a vacuum] But then the next thing I know I'm reading an ad for Geico. So I click out of that and try to read the news story but it's not a news story. It's a slide show. [for Android phones] And I'm looking at the worst celebrity plastic surgery jobs ever. So of course I want to see the next line of plastic surgery gone wrong, so I hit the arrow, but then the arrow wasn't the arrow for the next line, it was to take me to an ad for face cream. Haugh! I wanted to get a news story, but I'm reading about face cream and I try to click out of it, but the ad is following me, and it's following me all over the screen! Nooo! So I click on the close button, but it wasn't a close button, it was another slide show, and I just want to know what's happening in the Middle East, but instead, I'm looking at the top ten scariest movies of all time, and that's not the arrow for the next line, it's another ad! Aaagh! [comes back to reality] But this... this is just news. And I don't get lost in all the bullshit. Linda? [sees that she's mesmerized and shakes her] Linda! Scene Description: PC Principal's office, next day. Jimmy is again in there talking to PC Principal PC Principal: Alright Jim, I know you've been trying to wrap your head around some of the social issues he discussed yesterday. I'm sure you're feeling confused and a little unsure of yourself. Jimmy: I'm not confused at all, actually, PC Principal. PC Principal: Okay, well, no, you are confused- Jimmy: I'm pretty sure that you're the one, but go ahead. PC Principal: Because you don't grasp the severity of this, and that's why I brought in another young person with disabilities to share his feelings. Thanks for comin' in to talk to us, Nathan. Nathan: [takes a seat next to Jimmy] I like apples and bananas. PC Principal: Me too, bro, me too. Nathan, could you tell Jimmy how you feel when people uwe the word "retarded"? Nathan: It hurts my feelings because I feel bad. Jimmy: Are you serious right now? PC Principal: You feel bad, right. You feel like that's a no-no word, right? Nathan: That word makes my heart piss its pants. PC Principal: Okay, wow, that's pretty heavy. Pretty heavy, huh Jim? Jimmy: Do you want to ask him what he means by that, or are you just pandering because you're uncomfortable around disabled people? PC Principal: I am not uncomfortable! I simply care about a horrible, outdated word that is exclusive, ignores individuality, and equates intellectual disa-bility with being... [begins to stammer] And it's, and it's, s-spot, I need a spotter, spot me, somebody spot me bro! Topher: [steps in and puts PC Principal's train of thought back on track] And it's, it's part of a derogatory hate speech which fosters isolation and loneliness and being part of a voice to stop the R word is not only right, but extremely important! Nathan: I'm afraid of bears. [Jimmy is decidedly not convinced of PC Principal's sincerity] Scene Description: The hallway, later. Nathan is let go first and is walking back to class. Jimmy comes around the corner and catches up to him Jimmy: Hey Nathan, hold up. What were you doing in there? Nathan: What do you mean, Jimmy? Are you ma-ad? Jimmy: Come on Nathan, you and I both know you use the word "retarded" 400 times a day. Nathan: Oh Jimmy. So righteous, aren't you? So blind to everything that's going on. Jimmy: What are you talking about? Nathan: Do you really think all the changes happening to this town are just coincidence? This goes so much deeper than you can possibly imagine, Jim. Everyone's about to learn the truth. And then... There's a war coming. A war, Jim. And I'm just gonna make sure I'm on the right side of it. Mr. Mackey: Come on, boys, let's get back to class. Nathan: I like to smell trees! [walks off.] Scene Description: Channel 4 News Break. Anchor Tom: An elementary school newspaper is making big waves as more and more people say No to news on the Internet. Rancher: I read super school news 'cause it don't try and fool me and it's news reports aren't paid for by ad companies. Gerald: We just feel like this is actual news, and instead of clicking on links, we're reading stories. Stephen: I had to get away from the ads. I felt like the ads were... evolving somehow. They started knowing what I liked. What I was afraid of. I tried ad blockers, but it seemed like every time I tried to block the ads, they just got smarter. I'm never going back from Super School News. Anchor Tom: The young editor of the paper claims that since most people now watch news reports on the Internet, they're easily distracted or even fooled by ads, [the camera pulls back to show the news report as a video on Randy's smartphone] which are finding more and more clever ways to disguise them- Randy: Oooo, brutal celebrity mugshots. [also on the screen, "SoDoSoPa in disrepair" Randy taps on the link, which leads to a slide show of celebrity mugshots which contains 40 images. He taps on the right arrow, and it leads to the first weight-loss ad instead of the next mugshot] O-hoh it got me. Ad got me, Sharon. Scene Description: The 2015 Presidential Debate Announcer: We now return live to the 2015 Presidential Debate. Moderator: Our next question is for you, Mrs. Clinton. Many voters believe that Syrian refugees should not be allowed into our country for security reasons. What do you think? Hillary: Keeping our country save has become more and more difficult, but I believe there are several things that we can- Garrison: No! You shut the hell up! You've got a dumpy butt, and seven chins. Syrian refugees are all terrorists! Hillary: I know that our government needs to take a harder look at all- Garrison: Yeah well, it's pretty hard to look at you! We can all agree on that! Caitlyn: [interrupts for a bit] She looks like a donkey took a shit in her face. [goes backstage again] Garrison: Yeh-hah, good one Caitlyn. See, what I know is that there's only one way to deal with Syrian refugees, and that is... Everyone: Fuck them all to death! Garrison: Thank you!! [after the debate Garrison and Caitlyn head backstage laughing] That was hilarious when you called her a pizza face. Caitlyn: It's like a Papa John's pimple party. Garrison: Oh, that was classic, Caitlyn. You're the best running mate ever. Principal Victoria: [the first thing you see is her big hair] Hello, Mr. Garrison. Garrison: Oh My God... Principal Victoria? Principal Victoria: [now using a came, walks forward] Congratulations on the polls. We need to talk. [Dramatic music ends Act 1.] Scene Description: PC Delta house, night. The place is jumping PC bro 12: [on the sidewalk just left of the entrance] Celebrate diversity! Woooo! PC bro 13: [on the balcony, right side] GO PC! Scene Description: PC Delta house, inside. More partying PC Principal: [walks in with a mic] Alright everyone, listen up. [the music shuts off and everyone falls silent] Tonight is a very special night for the PCs. We're honored to be throwing this event for people with disabilities. [several disabled students are present, like Jimmy, Timmy, Francis, Lenora] I for one am sick of how these amazing kids are marginalized in today's society. but tonight is about learning and healing. So let's get to it! PC! [drops the mic. The other bros echo him and cheer] PC bro 7: Hey guys, I'm Brad. I'm PC Arizona State. Jimmy: Nice to meet you, Brad. Where do you guys-? Brad: Excuse me a second. [walks over to a pretty brunette and her friend] Hello, ladies. Thanks for coming to our event. Ladies: Hi. Brad: We're just tired with the way people with disabilities get treated. Can I get you some alcohol? PC bro 14: Yah, you know, it just bugs me when people refer to persons with disabilities as "handicapped." When I hear that word I wanna fuckin' punch them in the fuckin' face. Blonde: That's so cool of you, wow. PC bro 14: Yeah. [Jimmy walks into view, but no one notices him] To me marginalizing persons with disabilities by asking them what their handicap is, is a micro-aggression no better than asking a person of color if they went to college. Blonde: Wow, you're really progressive. PC bro 14: No other way to be. So uh, listen. I think you're really pretty and interesting, and I'd kinda like to take you upstairs and totally crush your pussy. Would that be acceptable to you? Blonde: [looks away, giggling] Oh well, I, I guess it would. PC bro 14: No, I'm sorry, I need affirmative consent. I'll need you to say "Yes, you may take me upstairs and crush my pussy at this time." [PC Bros and their lady guests pair up and dance, some of them making out. Brad dances with two women and makes out with the redhead. Jimmy is the only disabled person left in the room] PC bros: PC Bros, PC. Yeah! Scene Description: Dawn at PC Delta. OC Principal goes knocking on every door in the house PC Principal: McKinsey, you got consent forms? McKinsey: Oh yeah, right here bro. [hands him the forms through the door] PC Principal: Rise and shine guys. If you scored last night, I'll need your consent forms. [the other bros hand him their forms through their doors] Thank you. Thank you. Thank you-whoa! Barker, did you perform cunnilingus? There's a different release form, bro. PC bro 15: Yup. Uh, so-, sorry. It's right here. PC Principal: Nice. PC bro 11: [voice only, behind him] Bro! Aw, dude, bro! PC Principal: What, bro? PC bro 11: Dude, I scored with this female and after consenting to putting her mouth on my penis, she wanted me to walk her home. PC Principal: Yeah? PC bro 11: And when I got to her house she had me meet her father who is Filipino, so I asked him if he could tell me about their cultural and social dynamic to being a Filipino-American. PC Principal: Naturally. PC bro 11: So he said some stuff, and then the newspaper landed on his doorstep, 'cause I guess her dad subscribes to the school newspaper, and he picked it up and I saw the headline said this! Scene Description: thrusts the paper in front of PC Principal. The headline reads "'PC' STANDSD FOR PUSSY CRUSHING" PC Principal: [grabs the paper and reads it] What the fuck is this bro? PC bro 11: Bro, that little kid wrote that our tolerant views and fight for social justice is just a way for us to crush puss! PC Principal: That's not true!! PC bro 11: I know, bro!! We're being totally victimized! PC Principal: That little fucker, dude! Scene Description: Jimmy's house, day. someone knocks on his door, he opens it. Representative: Hello. You're the boy responsible for the South Park Super School News? Jimmy: That's right. Representative: We would like to give you $26 million. [Jimmy seems interested, so he lets him in. They sit down at the coffee table and the rep opens his briefcase, taking out documents] Contracts, and the first check. We'd love to be in business with you. Jimmy: What is this for? Representative: I represent an organization called Geico. It's an insurance company. We think Super School News would be a great way for us to reach new customers. Jimmy: Sorry Charlie, but I don't allow ads in my newspaper. Representative: We've heard all about that, so we thought you could just do some ...news stories about car insurance. Just state the facts, because the truth is, everyone can save by switching to Geico. Jimmy: That's called "sponsored content." I know the difference between the news and ads. Do you think I'm stupid? Representative: Everyone's doing it, Jim. You're sort of the last holdout. $26 million just to write some news stories that get people thinking about their insurance coverage? Jimmy: Sth-sth-sth, stick it up your ass! Representative: Hm. [puts the documents back in the briefcase...] Well, they said you'd be tough. [...and brings out a gun and arms it] Do you really think you can stop ads? Jimmy: Yes. Representative: You can try to block ads, but they get smarter. The more we ty to shut them out, the more clever they get. There's a war coming, kid, and I'm gonna make sure I'm on the right side of it. [a bullet shoots through his head from behind. killing him where he stands. Blood begins oozing out his mouth. He falls to his knees and then onto the floor. Barbrady is in the doorway, his knees weak, but his gun drawn] Jimmy: Officer Barbrady? Barbrady: Come with me if you want to live! [he runs back to is car, but Jimmy is confused. Barbrady returns] Come on! Come with me if you want to live! I'm serious! [runs back to his car] Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. Randy is in the kitchen browsing on his phone when Sharon appears in the kitchen doorway with a copy of the school paper in her left hand Sharon: Do you want to explain to me what pussy crushing is?! Randy: What? Sharon: Your little meetings you go to at night to discuss social justice?! [drops the paper on the table. Randy picks it up and reads the front page] It's just a way to pick up on young women?! Randy: Sh-sharon, most of the guys in my PC club are right out of college, alright? You know how college kids are. Who wrote this? Sharon: I don't want you going over there anymore! Randy: [stands up] I don't cheat on you, Sharon! I'm happy. Look at what's happened to our town. We have ShiTpaTown, boutique restaurants and artisan shops. We have a fucking Whole Foods, and that was all me! Diverse people are moving here, and everyone is being aware of how they talk. This is paradise, Sharon! Sharon: [gets in his face] Is it? [turns right and walks out towards the living room, then turns around] All I know is that you've changed. Every since you joined this PC thing you just bully people. And wait for people to say anything improper so you can jump down their throats for whatever words he or she used. Randy: He or she is an agenderphobic microagressions, Sharon. You are a bigot. [Sharon turns around and walks away again while he resumes reading the paper.] Scene Description: A meeting room next to the interrogation room. The agent is there with six other agents, all looking at Jimmy. Barbrady stands off to the side against the wall. Agent: The average human can no longer tell the difference between the news and an ad. You seem to have some mental ability that allows you to know the difference. Jimmy: Does this have to do with me calling the school principal a pussy crusher? Agent: The PC People are simply being manipulated, unwittingly setting the table for the new enemy of humanity. Jimmy: You mean ISIS or ninjas? Agent: [stands up] Something... much worse. [turns away] Have you ever felt like an ad had... intelligence? That it somehow knew what you wanted, even before you knew you wanted it? [] What if I were to tell you that ads have become smarter than us? And now they're manipulating everything we do? Jimmy: I'd say that sounds pretty retarded. Agent: [walks to Jimmy's end of the table, then veers away] It was our own fault. Mankind became tired of ads, so we kept inventing ways to make things ad-free. We even created ad blockers. That's when the ads had to adapt. They had to disguise themselves as news in order to survive. Jimmy: Sponsored content? Agent: If you really can tell the difference, then you could be the key to saving our species, Jimmy. We'd like to run a test on you. Scene Description: Sponsored Content, Test 17-B Computer: Sponsored Content, Test 17-B, Ready. Begin. [a series of news articles pop up onscreen, and Jimmy has to discern whether it's news or advertisement. "Doctor Found Dead In Apartment"] Jimmy: That's the news. ["Dental Problems on the Rise"] That's an ad. ["Missile Test Lights Up The Sky"] That's the news. ["Vermont Experiencing Heavy Snow"] That's an ad. [a different agent clicks through the articles for him] That's the news. That's an ad. That's an ad. That's the new-oh no, that's an ad for act food. My bad. Agent: Jesus Christ, he's off the charts. Agent 2: Increase the intensity. Jimmy: ["Man Arrested for Murder of Entire Household"] That's the news ["Price of Precious Metal Rises Due To War"] That's an ad. News. Ad. Ad. Ad. Ad. Ad. News. News. Ad. Ad. Slideshow. Ad. [The test ends and the computers wind down. Jimmy's chair is pulled away from the main computer on a track.] Agent: That's a perfect score. You are a very special child, Jimmy. Jimmy: I prefer "handicapped," actually. Agent: We have another child here who's special too. [a metal security shield comes down to reveal a window, and a girl on the other side of the window.] Do you know... Leslie? [she notices him on the other side of the glass and looks at him] Scene Description: PC Delta house. The PC Bros are putting up yellow tape saying "SAFE SPACE - DO NOT CROSS" on it. PC Principal: [steps outside to survey the work] Alright, that's good. Everyone get inside. Everything past here is safe space. [the bros start going inside] No reporters, no harassment. We are gonna figure this shit out. [PC Principal closes the door behind himself. Once inside, everyone is sitting around in silence. PC Principal finally speaks] All I know is that I don't speak up for minorities so that I can crush pussy. PC bro 16: Me neither, dude. I want social justice and now I'm being made fun of. PC bro 17: Yeah bro. They're taking our incredibly tolerant views and distorting them. PC Principal: PC people are under attack. That's what this is. PC bro 18: Hey yeah. Bro! We're the victims now. Like, we're being marginalized. Like... that makes us pretty cool. Topher: Yeah, I bet now we can get a lot more puss. PC Principal: No, Topher! It's not about puss, alright?! The fuck is wrong with you?! We're being labeled as meatheads who just wanna crush puss by an intolerant newspaper! PC bro 16: [now standing] Yeah, fuck that dude, bro! PC Principal: Yeah. And like, if you're gonna belittle and make fun of PC people like that, then who's to say he won't do it to other marginalized groups like us? I mean, this kid could be the next Hitler. And if you guys could stop Hitler, what would you do? PC bro 9: I'd rip that dude apart and then go home and totally smash some puss, bro. Other Bros: Hell yeah! PC Principal: Nooo! Scene Description: The interrogation room. Jimmy now sits opposite Leslie Leslie: You look familiar. Don't you go to my school? Jimmy: Yes. Uh, I'm Jimmy. Editor In Chief of Super School News. [smiles] Leslie: I'm Leslie. Jimmy: N, nice to finally talk to you. Leslie: Did they bring you in and give you a bunch of tests too? Jimmy: Yes, they did. Do you know who "they" are? Leslie: I think they're ex-newsmen. You know, the men in suits who used to be in charge of the news. Scene Description: the men are listening in on this conversation Jimmy: I thought I recognized them. Leslie: They told me I was special. Are you special too? Jimmy: I prefer "handicapped." Leslie: [makes a weird noise] I like that. Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's campaign office. Mr. Garrison: Principal Victoria, if everything you've said is true, then, why doesn't anyone know about it? Principal Victoria: There are people who know. But they have to stay very hidden. Mr. Garrison: I'm just havin' a hard time swallowing all this. And between me and this one over here, we can swallow just about anything. Caitlyn: [scoffs] Oh God, you're such an asshole. Principal Victoria: Mr. Garrison, I wasn't fired. I was replaced. This goes much higher than anyone knows. Scene Description: PC Principal's office, day. He's now the one explaining things to ... someone PC Principal: I came to this town really thinking I could make a difference. I've been called a bigot towards persons with disabilities. I've been called... [stops for an instant] Pussy-crusher, because of the behavior of a very few individuals in my PC frat. [Nathan is shown] Jimmy Valmer is off the school newspaper. I want you to take over. Nathan: Ooooh boy! PC Principal: And I will be reviewing your paper to make sure nobody is ever attacked the way I was again. Nathan: I think this will be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. PC Principal: Jimmy almost made me lose confidence, but I know who I am. I know what I am! PC bro 11: [voice only] Dude! Bro! [runs into the principal's office] Oh, bro, I went online to read a news story about immigrants being discriminated against. PC Principal: Yeah? PC bro 11: Well, and so I clicked on the headline and it turned out to be an ad for Reddi-Wip. so then I clicked on the button to make it go away, but then it was a link to another ad, and when i tried to cancel that, another window came up, and it was this! [approaches the desk and shows PC Principal: Dude! [stands up and whips his glasses off] What the fuck, bro? PC bro 11: What does this mean, dude? PC Principal: Bro! What the fuck, bro?! Scene Description: Back at the interrogation room... Leslie: Do you like our school, Jimmy. Jimmy: Uh yes, Leslie, I like our school very much. Leslie: I like our school too. I like the kids who go there. Jimmy: Uh huh. I'm starting to wonder something about you, Leslie. Leslie: I'm starting to wonder about you. I mean, you seem like a nice kid, but... don't you feel like you could be happier? [this sets off an alarm in him] Jimmy: Holy. Shit. Leslie: What? Jimmy: Can you excuse me for a moment? Leslie: Okay. [Jimmy leaves the room for a moment] Agent: Well Jimmy? What do you think? Jimmy: [looks over his shoulder] Does she know she's an ad? Agent 3: He can spot them. Jimmy: Does she know she's an ad?! Scene Description: PC Delta house, night. PC Principal is looking at his monitor, on which is the same picture he saw at school. It's the same picture as that of Naughty Ninjas, but with additional details. The camera pans out to reveal that the picture is part of a State Farm insurance ad. PC Principal: [softly, looking truly victimized now] What the hell is going on, bro?! PC bro 19: [stops by and checks in on him] Bro? PC Principal: Bro, what the hell is going on, bro? Scene Description: Caitlyn Jenner's car, Washington D.C., night. Principal Victoria: If we're going back, remember: we don't know who we can trust. Mr. Garrison: If they wanna mess with my town, I'll fuck every last one of them! Let's do this! Caitlyn: Buckle up, buckaroos! [revs up the motor and drives off running over several people]

Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Fourth Grade, day. The new teacher, Mrs. Nelson is writing out a lesson on adverbial clauses on the chalkboard Mrs. Nelson: Alright guys, now let's go back and talk about infinitives [begins writing the lesson on that subject]. Remember, those are verbs combined with the work "to." Cartman: [yawns and whispers to Kyle] Oh, my fucking God... Mrs. Nelson: Now, usually an infinitive acts like a noun, as in "I want TO go out to eat" or [Cartman tugs on Kyle's pen, making him mess up, and smiles. Kyle pulls the pen away. Cartman pulls again] "I hope TO be chosen today." Kyle: What? Cartman: I'm so bored, dude. Mrs. Nelson: Now usually, it isn't common to split TO and the verb, but sometimes you can, [Cartman pulls the pen out of Kyle's hand and throws it away] Kyle: Knock it off! Mrs. Nelson: as in-. Is there a problem, guys? Kyle: Go get my pen, fatass Cartman: I am not your slave, Kyle. Kyle: Go get my pen! Mr. Mackey: [over the PA system] Attention, students. Kyle Broflovski report to the Principal's office please? Cartman: [laughs] PC Principal wants to see you, Kyle! Mr. Mackey: Kyle Broflovski to the Principal's office please, m'kay? Kyle: Goddammit! [leaves his seat] Cartman: Have fun, dude. Scene Description: The Principal's office. Kyle arrives and sighs heavily before going in. At the desk, Mr. Mackey is looking through some drawers, but PC Principal isn't there. Mr. Mackey: [looks up surprised] Oh, Kyle. [sits down on the chair and looks fearful] Uhh, uhh, thank you for coming. Kyle: Where's PC Principal? Mr. Mackey: I think he's finally lost it, Kyle. He and his PC buddies are on a hunger strike and, they're calling for people's resignations. Kyle, PC Principal had problems with Jimmy and with Leslie. And now they're missing. M'kay? Nobody knows where they are. That's what happens. You go against PC, and you just end up missing. M'kay? Kyle: What are you talking about? Mr. Mackey: PC Principal had issues with them. M'kay? And he had issues with you, Kyle. Whatever's goin' on, it's pretty damn scary. Scene Description: Montage. First, programming code appears onscreen, then Jimmy Jimmy: For years, mankind has tried to rid the world of ads. For our ancestors, ads couldn't be avoided. But everyone knew what was an ad, and what wasn't. After many years, mankind invented cable. A way to p-pay for television so there would be no ads. But somehow, the ads still found a way. And so mankind invented TiVo. A way to skip past commercials. Finally, it appeared to be the end of ads. And everywhere, people rejoiced. The ads were stopped. Or so it seemed. With the rise of the Internet, suddenly the ads got an en- tirely new way to attack us. Popups. The top scientific minds were brought together to find a way to stop the ads, once and for all. They invented the ad blocker. Suddenly there were no ads on phones, on computers. And everywhere, people rejoiced. The ads adapted. They became s-smarter. They disguised themselves as news. All around the world people read news stories completely unaware that they were reading ads . And now, the ads have taken the next step in their evolution. They have taken human form. Ads are among us. They could be your friend, your g-gardener. The ads are trying to wipe us out. But the question is... how? Scene Description: The Marsh house, dinner. All the family is there. Randy: So, um, ahem, South Park kind of sucks now. You guys wanna bail? [everyone else but Grandpa are stunned at this and stop eating.] Sharon: What? Shelly: What are you talking about? Randy: It's just, you know, it used to be nice and laid-back here, but now it's all [puts his palms forward] Uuuuhhh, you know? Like like now everybody's all Uuhh-uuhhh. Let's bail. You wanna bail, Stan? Stan: No, I don't. [Randy lowers his head and looks at his food,] Scene Description: The master bedroom, after dinner. Randy is pacing back and forth across the room while Sharon stands with her arms crossed looking at him Sharon: What's going on, Randy? Randy: Nothing! I just... You know, we don't have to live here, we can live anywhere. Sharon: Last month, all you could talk about was how great this town had become. What changed your mind? Randy: [stops and looks away] ...We can't afford it. [Sharon's jaw drops] Sharon: We can't afford it? Randy: All these fancy new restaurants and shops and [sits on the edge of the bed] everyone wants to live here! A bowl of City beef costs ten bucks now, for Christ's sake. And there's nowhere to shop but stupid Whole Foods! Sharon: [crosses her arms] Well, we'll just have to stop going to those places. Randy: I had to take out a second mortgage on the house. Sharon: You [uncrosses her arms] what? Randy: [gets up, runs to her, and holds her shoulders] I had to, Sharon! It isn't my fault! It's the Man. Don't you see? The Man... is pricing us out of our own town. Scene Description: The newsmen's headquarters. Leslie is in the interrogation room, while Jimmy looks in from the meeting room. Jimmy: [faces the newsmen] It's just my luck. I talk to a nice girl, seem to hit it off, and she turns out to just be an ad. Tom: Well, that's what an ad does. She was designed to entice, and manipulate. Jimmy: This is such a fantastic story for the school newspaper. Why don't we just run it so that everyone knows the truth? Tom: Jimmy, we're newsmen, like you. For decades we used our soft buttery voices to inform the people about what's happening. Then we watched as our entire industry was taken over by the ads. [the newsman to his right lowers his head and looks at the table] Some of our colleagues were manipulated into doing the ads' bidding. The man who came to your house with a gun was one of them. Our own Kevin Jarvis has more. Kevin: Thanks, Tom. Jimmy, the man who tried to kill you was Brian Boint, of WXNR, Fort Collins. When he saw there was no money in news anymore he sided with the ads, even though he knew it meant the destruction of our species. Back to you, Tom. Tom: Thanks, Kevin. The only hope for the truth to get out there, Jimmy, is for you to see through this ad's deception and to find out what they're planning. Your Super School News was a threat to them. But unless you get this little bitch to talk, we may never know why. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway, day. Kenny and Stan walk into view, spot Kyle, and walk over to him. Stan is carrying a copy of the school newspaper Stan: Dude, Kyle. Will you look at this? [shows him the paper, which has a report on PC Principal sending Jimmy and Leslie on a Disney Cruise] Kyle: "Principal Sends Two Favorite Students On A Disney Cruise. This week, students Jimmy Valmer and Leslie Meyers are being treated to an all-expenses-paid vacation for their outstanding school-" what the hell is this? Stan: It doesn't make any sense, dude. PC Principal is using the school paper to cover something up. Kyle: Yeah I... Ah I don't wanna get involved. Stan: You don't wanna get involved? Dude, what's wrong with you? Kyle: I've already learned you can't win against PC Principal. You should know of all people since he converted your dad. Stan: What's that supposed to mean? Butters: [runs up with Cartman] Fellas! We found out what happened to Jimmy! He got to go on a vacation for being an exemplary student. Stan: That is not what happened! Something is very wrong here! We all have to stand up to PC Principal together! Cartman: Yeah, and wasn't Jimmy the one in charge of the school newspaper? So who's putting this out? Scene Description: The school newsroom. Nathan is at the computer typing random letters on the keyboard. Nathan: I like the school paper. I like to type with my hands. [the camera then shows Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, and Butters in the room watching Nathan.] Kyle: Who told you that the principal sent Jimmy on a Disney Cruise? Nathan: Uhhh. Uhhh. Uhhh, I don't remember. Stan: You have quotes in here from Jimmy. Did you talk to him? Nathan: Uhhh. Uhhh, I like the school paper. Stan: [the boys look at each other] Come on, we'll get to the bottom of this. [they head out] Nathan: [some seconds later] Did I do good, computer? [touches the screen] I think the sponsored content fooled them. I hope I made you happy. Can you see me, computer? Do you know what I'm thinking right now? [a porn popup windows appears] Ahh, thanks, computer. Scene Description: The edge of town. Caitlyn, Principal Victoria, and Mr. Garrison have arrived and park on the side of the road to look at the town. Principal Victoria: We have to make sure nobody recognizes us. There's no telling who works for who. Here, Caitlyn, I got you this fake mustache to put on. Caitlyn: I'm not putting on a mustache, I'll look silly. Mr. Garrison: Oh, that, that's where you draw the line, huh Caitlyn? Caitlyn: Don't be an asshole. Mr. Garrison: No, you're right, that's nuts! A woman wearing a mustache, that's just ridiculous, huh Cait? Caitlyn: Alright alright, I'll put it on, fuck. Mr. Garrison: No no, please, Cait, don't put on a fake mustache, that's c-razy. [Caitlyn puts it on] You don't want people thinking you're a weirdo, I mean, Jeez. Caitlyn: [taps him gently like a kitten] You-hur such an asshole. Scene Description: ShiTpaTown, day. A shopper leaves Whole Foods with two bags of groceries and is promptly run over by Caitlyn. Nobody bats an eye. Garrison and Victoria step out, followed by Caitlyn Mr. Garrison: What the hell is this? What have they done to my town? Principal Victoria: Keep your voice down. Mr. Garrison: Since when do we have a flippin' Whole Foods?! [they walk towards it] Principal Victoria: Everything's changed. Survey worker: [stops the three of them] Hi there, you got a minute for gay rights? Mr. Garrison: Gay rights? Jeez, you've already got all those. What the hell do you wanna do now? [the three walk on in] Scene Description: Whole Foods. The clerk at checkout 5 is finished with Mr. Stotch's purchases Clerk: All right, your total is a hundred twenty six thirty nine, and would you like to give a dollar to help hungry children get iPads to protect your Internet safe space today? Stephen: I will. Mr. Garrison: What the Sam Hell is goin' on! Scene Description: The interrogation room. Jimmy and Leslie face off again. Leslie: Why would anyone think that I'm on the principal's side? I hate the principal. I think he's a dick. Jimmy: So you don't know anything about the principal that might be newsworthy? Super School News worthy? Leslie: Just that he hated me and called me a blabbermouth. I don't think I'm a blabbermouth. I just like talking to people. Jimmy: [clears his throat] Leslie, what kind of... plans do you have? Do you have any... plans? Leslie: What kind of plans? Jimmy: Just, you know, plans. Like what are you hoping tooo... accomplish? [the newsmen watch from the meeting room] Leslie: I don't know. What are your plans? Jimmy: Well, I want to pursue careers in both news reporting and comedy. Leslie: Really? That's... different. Jimmy: Yeah, you're pretty different yourself, Leslie. Leslie: How so? Scene Description: The meeting room. Barbrady is still bearing witness while Jimmy sits at the table with the newsmen Jimmy: I'm starting to think that maybe all ads aren't so bad. Tom: Jimmy, you're thinking with your dick. Jimmy: I am not thinking with my dick. Tom: Yes you are. Jimmy: No, I just think that she's a- Tom: Put your dick away. Jimmy: She's ag- emotional Tom: Jim. Jimmy: Interesting, caring girl. Tom: Jimmy, that's your dick talking. [Jimmy stays quiet] Believe me, I know how you feel. Ads promise us things. Ads are perfect. But make no mistake: [speaks slowly] all ads lie. And all ads deceive. Scene Description: Kyle's room, afternoon. Kyle is at his computer browsing the Web and looking at Twitter and Instagram. Kyle: There. Leslie's Instagram and her Twitter. Last entry was ten days ago. Butters: What about Jimmy's? Kyle: Jimmy never used that stuff, remember? He said he hated using the Internet. Cartman: How do you hate the Internet? That's like hating titties. Butters: What are you doing now? Kyle: I'm just looking for any news articles or anything about PC Principal. [his computer is recording the conversation] Where did you say PC Principal was from? Stan: I think it was Vermont. Kyle: Maybe there's something from the news in Vermont that could give us a clue about- [an ad for a Vermont vacation pops up] Goddammit what the hell is this? Stan: That's an ad for skiing in Vermont. Butters: Wow that looks fun! [Kyle closes the popup and tries again. A couple of windows later, he gets a news article] Kyle: Dude. Dude, look at this. "How PC Culture is changing Vermont from a state of intolerance to a s-" [a popup ad for a guitar appears] Dude there it is again! Kenny: What? Kyle: It's that goddamned guitar! This ad is fucking following me! Stan: Just click out of it. Kyle: I'm trying! Goddammit get over here! Stan: That's a pretty sweet-looking guitar. Kyle: [looks at Stan] It is pretty cool dude, it tunes itself. Cartman: How does it do that? Kyle: It's this company that does all kinds of hi-tech instruments. See look, I'll show you. Stan: Oh that's sweet. Send me the link to that so I can- [a popup ad for Victor Frankenstein appears] Oh dude that new Frankenstein movie is out. I totally wanna see that. Cartman: That movie's gonna suck dude. Stan: Hit the arrow, I wanna see where it's playing. Kyle: [click] OH. Sorry, wrong arrow button. [a popup ad for Fun Cream ice cream appears] Butters: Wow, what kind of ice cream is that? Scene Description: At an ice cream parlor, later on. They're in a booth laughing at something Butters: So Clyde said to Token, "Why don't you open a bank account with your mouth so I can deposit my dick in it?" [the boys laugh] Kyle: So then what'd Token say? Butters: Well Token was all like- Stan: Wait wait wait wait wait whoa, whoa. What the hell are we doing? Cartman: Eating ice cream, dipshit. Stan: But what about Jimmy? We were all like totally trying to find out what happened to him. Kyle: Whoa, what the hell just happened? Butters: We got distracted. We've gotta get back to that computer! [The boys split for the computer without their ice cream, except to Cartman, who takes his... and a couple of seconds later, Kenny's] Scene Description: Skeeter's Wine Bar, day. Skeeter is serving up drinks Skeeter: Now this here is a dry Riesling. You're gonna experience vanilla after-tones and a nutty finish. Rancher: You mean like someone put their balls in the glass? Skeeter: No, like chestnuts, dammit! Rancher: I just can't keep up with this town no more. Everything's gettin' all nice and fancy. I swear I'm gonna need to get a second mortgage on the ranch just to pay muh daily expenses. Randy: Don't you get it? That's just what they want. Nobody cares about the people who lived here before. They want us to move, 'cause they wanna knock our houses down and build more lofts and villas! Skeeter: Alright Randy, you should probably lay off the old vine Châteauneuf-du-Pape. Randy: [now by Stuart's table] You'll all see! Pretty soon everyone who used to live here is gonna have to move. And we'll be shopping at Safeway again. [sets his glass down on the table and walks out the door] Scene Description: The sidewalk in front of Skeeter's. Randy walks down the street thinking to himself... Randy (singing): Where has my town gone? Where has- [a leg kicks him across the face] Randy: Oooff! Caitlyn: You like apples? [punches him in the belly, causing him to groan] How d'you like them apples? [hauls him into the alley] Randy: Hey, it's Caitlyn Jenner! [Caitlyn slams Randy against a wall face first] Garrison: Check his ass! Randy: Principal Victoria? [Caitlyn pulls down Randy's pants and briefs to reveal the PC branding] Victoria: He's one of them. Randy: One of what? Garrison: Caitlyn. [Caitlyn punches Randy hard in the ribs. He groans and collapses onto the ground.] Scene Description: The meeting room. Jimmy and Leslie face off yet again. Jimmy: Okay Leslie, let's try a different approach. Let's say you wanted tooo... destroy the entire species. How would you go about it? Leslie: Why would I want to destroy an entire species? You have the wrong idea about me, Jimmy. The person trying to change things and make things terrible is the new principal. Jimmy: And what is the new principal trying to do, Leslie? Leslie: He's trying to make sure that people like you and me aren't allowed to exist. I know that you're trying to help. I know that the newsmen in there are trying to help too. [Kevin glances back at Tom] But now I'm going to tell you something very important, Jimmy. [the newsmen lean in towards the monitors. A popup car ad appears, and they can't see or hear what Leslie is saying.] Scene Description: The meeting room The Chevy Ad: [a driver walks up to his truck and plays with his dog] Like a rock. I drive a Chevy, I'm a cowboy, and I drive it like a rock. Tom: What the hell is that? Kevin: Tom, it looks like a popup ad. Tom: How did an ad get in here? Let's go to David at the network hub. David: No answers here, Tom. We're trying to correct the problem. Scene Description: The interrogation room. The room is now bathed in red light, a sign that the room is secure and no one can see or hear what's going on inside from outside Leslie: You have to get me out of here, Jimmy. They're going to kill me. Jimmy: What? Leslie: Listen to me carefully and don't look at the glass. I feel something for you I have never felt before. I think it's trust. The men in there are sick with hatred and as soon as they realize I have no information they are going to burn me. I've seen them do it to others. Please, you have to help me, Jimmy. Don't let them hurt me. Please don't abandon me. When the lights go back on just look at me and smile. Scene Description: The meeting room Tom: David, any word on the popup ad situation? David: Tom, we've just about got it fixed. It should be ready now. [the newsmen turn to look at the monitors, and Leslie is down] Leslie: And that's really it, Jimmy. I want to help all of you however I can. [he looks at her, and smiles a second later] Scene Description: Foot Vault, a shoe store. The boys are getting fitted for new shoes and enjoying themselves. They had gone to McDonald's and ordered chicken McNugget's and sodas, which they are now consuming in the shoe store Cartman: And then Token tells Clyde that if his mouth was a bank, Clyde's mom would have already deposited her dick in it. Which is hilarious because Clyde's mom is dead. [the boys burst out laughing again] Stan: Wait wait wait wait whoa whoa. What the hell are we doing? Butters: We're tryin' on shoes and eatin' chicken nuggets, stupid. What do you think? Stan: No. That's not what we set out to do. Kyle: We were... We were on Cartman's computer looking up news stories about PC Principal. Cartman: Didn't we finish doing that? Stan: No, we didn't. Kyle: It's like... someone's trying to... distract us. [looks suspiciously at Stan] Because they're worried what we'll uncover about PC people. Stan: Yeah, like one of us is purposefully trying to keep us from digging too deep because they're afraid. Kyle: Why are you looking at me? Stan: Why are you looking at me? Cartman: Why isn't anyone looking at me? Scene Description: Park Motel, day. Caitlyn's car is parked over two people in front of Room 10. Caitlyn closes the blinds. Mr. Garrison splashes some water onto Randy Randy: Hey, fuck you. Garrison: Wake up, dickhead! Randy: [opens his eyes] Garrison? The hell is wrong with you?! Garrison: I'll tell you what's wrong with me! There's enemies to humanity out there wantin' to put an end to all of us, and there's assholes like you helpin' them out! Randy: I don't know what you're talking about. Victoria: Whose idea was it to revitalize the shitty part of town into an arts and foods district called ShiTpaTown? Randy: Garrison: Son of a bitch! Randy: What? To take one area of town that was rappy and gentrify it for the local people to enjoy? I thought we could keep it contained. Victoria: It doesn't contain. What's happened to South Park is happening everywhere. [brings out a photo book and flips through some pictures] Thirty miles south of here in the town of Fairplay, they've changed the area north od Downtown into NoDoFoPa. A rundown area south of the capital in Cheyenne, Wyoming, is now historic SoCaCheyWo. Channel Street in mid-Chicago is being revitalized into Chimichanga. Randy: Oh my God. Victoria: LoDo, SoBro, RivMo, all happening at the same time. And it isn't just in the U.S. In Cairo, the area northwest of the third pyramid is NoWe3Pi. Three miles north of Auschwitz is NoMoAuchie. It goes on and on! Randy: What does it mean? Garrison: In our town it all started when PC Principal arrived. He's part of a mjuch larger conspiracy, and you're his lackey. Randy: Not me. If PC Principal has been using us, I'll take the bastard down myself. Scene Description: The PC Delta house, day. A reporter files this report Reporter: It's day two of the hunger strike started by the college-aged fraternity brothers who are demanding that all of South Park's community leaders step down. The PC frat brothers say they've gone now two days without eating any pussy, and will continue to do so until people resign. Tom: Who is that reporter? Do we... know him? Kevin: Tom, that's Bill Keegan, WCFO. Tom: Thanks, Brian. [Jimmy sneaks past the newsmen in the background] He's working for the ads, obviously. Sellout douche-bag. Newsman: That's right, Tom. He was always a douche-bag at the conventions. Tom: Thanks, Rick. Stay dry. Scene Description: The interrogation room door opens. Leslie looks up. Jimmy peeks in Jimmy: Leslie, come on. Leslie: Jimmy. You're gonna help me? Jimmy: Yeah I'm gonna help you. I mean, come on. Scene Description: The meeting room. Jimmy and Leslie make it to the entrance, but the sound of his crutches draw the newsmen's attention Tom: Jimmy! [Jimmy and Leslie turn around] Newsman 2: Oh Jesus, he let her out. Jimmy: PC Principal is our enemy, not her. Tom: His dick is compromised. [spreads his arms out to protect the newsmen] Stay back! [the newsmen and Barbrady step back a few feet] Jimmy: It is not my dick. I am thinking rationally and with logic. I am taking her out of here! Tom: Well then, [pulls a gun out of his inside coat pocket and aims it at Jimmy] I'm sorry I'm going to have to do this, Jimmy. [walks over to Barbrady and gives him the gun] Officer Barbrady, we need you to shoot these kids. Barbrady: What? Tom: The ad has got to him. [puts Barbrady into a shooting stance] There's no time to argue. Barbrady: I'm not shooting any more kids. Tom: Do you want to save your town?! Jimmy: Officer Barbrady, we have to stop PC Principal before it's too late. Tom: Barbrady, shoot them in their heads! Barbrady: No! I'm not shooting any more people! Not for you, not for nobody! Tom: You're making the worst mistake of your life, officer. Barbrady: Maybe so. All I know is I'm done shooting people! [his gun goes off and grazes Kevin on his left shoulder, causing it to bleed] Kevin: Augh! Barbrady: Oh sorry. Jeez. [Jimmy and Leslie exit first, then Barbrady follows and closes the door] Tom: Dammit! Scene Description: The school cafeteria, lunchtime Stan: Think about it, you guys. From the moment that PC Principal took over Kyle has been different. Haven't you noticed? Butters: Yeah. Stan: He's distracting us, either because he's too afraid or because he- [Kyle arrives with his lunch and sits next to him. Butters is stunned that Kyle showed up] Kyle: Well what are you guys talking about? Butters: Nothin'. Cartman: Stan's calling you a traitor. Kyle: What?! Stan: Kyle, I think it's pretty obvious you don't want us investigating PC Principal. Kyle: And why do you think that, Stan?! Stan: I don't know. Kyle: Because if anyone has a reason for us not mess with PC Principal, it's you! Let's not forget that Stan's dad is PC Principal's little bitch! Butters: Wuh huh, that's a good point. Cartman: I am loving this right now. Stan: My dad's stupid, not a bitch! This is about you being scared, Kyle! Kyle: It is you, isn't it?! That's why you're trying to shift the blame on me. That's very Cartman of you, Stan! Cartman: Hoh that's low. [smiles] Stan: Don't you dare call me a Cartman! Kyle: N-ho, that's good! Just keep on distracting everybody! It seems to be working, Cartman! Stan: Fuck you, Kyle! [delivers a left hook and Kyle falls off the lunch bench] Cartman: Fight! [the kids gather round to watch. Half of them are cheering them on, the other half stay quiet. Nathan stops by to see what's going on.] Scene Description: The PC Delta house, night. A lone jogger runs by it, only to be mowed down by Caitlyn and her passengers, who all get out of the car and walk towards the house Garrison: Time to take this asshole down! Randy: [gets in front of the group] Whoa whoa whoa, guys, whoa! We can't just go walking in there. Garrison: Why not? Randy: This is a safe space. We're not allowed past this. When you breach a college safe space, you're crossing the most sacred human boundary there is. Caitlyn: J'hoh, give me a break. Randy: Nonononono, look, this is very real, and very important in PC culture. Every human has a right to a safe space and it cannot be entered. Garrison: [determined] I can. Watch. [lifts up the PC tape and walks under and on to the house] Randy: Wow, how did you-? [Principal Victoria and Caitlyn Jenner do the same] Whoa. Scene Description: The school newsroom, day. Nathan is at the computer typing away very slowly. The camera moves enough to reveal Jimmy and Leslie at the door Jimmy: Burning the midnight oil, huh Nathan? Nathan: Jimmy. Jimmy: You sonofabitch. What have you done to the Super School News? Nathan: I was just holding down the fort while you were away, Jim. Jimmy: Writing headlines sponsored by PC Principal and the ads? How much did they pay you?! Nathan: Please, Jimmy, I'm just trying to survive here. Jimmy: Everyone's gonna know the truth, Nathan. We're getting a new edition of the school paper out by morning. Everyone's gonna know all about the ads. [Leslie punches him and he goes flying into a bookcase. She walks over and punches him five more times, then turns around and walks off to close the door. She returns and throws him up in the air. He hits the ceiling and falls to the floor. Leslie walks past Nathan, who laughs at Jimmy's misfortune] Leslie: Deal with him. [gets on the computer and starts searching] Jimmy: Leslie... I thought we were b-b-b-besties. Nathan: Hey there, big man. Editor of the school paper, huh? You still don't even know half the story. Scene Description: PC Delta, later. Caitlyn is moving around like a detective through the lobby Caitlyn: It's clear. Garrison: Where is everybody? I thought the news said they're on a hunger strike. Randy: It doesn't make sense. Someone's always here. Victoria: Take a look at this! [the other three adults walk over to see what she's seeing - the same State Farm ad of PC Principal and Leslie as before] Garrison: What the hell? Victoria: It looks like he was researching this. You see this news story? Garrison: If this is true, then... PC Principal's trying to help. Randy: Click on that. What is that? Garrison: No, click out of that. What is this? Scene Description: Foot Vault. Caitlyn, Randy, Principal Victoria, and Mr. Garrison are trying on new shoes, like Stan and friends did before, and enjoying themselves Garrison: So, so then, so then Caitlyn says "Look bitch, you're married to Bill Clinton. If anyone should be afraid of AIDS, it's you." Caitlyn: That stupid bitch had it coming. [they all laugh] Garrison: Oh God, I love you, Cait. We're so gong to win the primaries. [they all laugh] Randy: Whoa, whoawhoawhoa wait wait wait. What, what were we doing again? Scene Description: Kyle's house, evening. The doorbell rings and Kyle goes to answer it. Leslie is outside, shivering Kyle: Leslie. Leslie: You're trying to find out what's going on, right? But your friend is standing in your way? Kyle: How do you know thi-? Leslie: I can show you what's going on, Kyle. But you have to trust me. [holds out her hand] What's the last four digits of your Sosh? Kyle: 2692 [They shake hands, and he leaves the house with her]

Scene Description: The outskirts of Moscow, day. A silhouetted figure is walking away from the city, tightly wrapped to protect against the icy wind and snow. He's dressed for a winter hike. He finds a bar and opens the door, and a bunch of angry Russian faces look back at him. The bar is dimly lit. The figure goes inside and closes the door. He loosens his scarf and lowers his hood. It's PC Principal. PC Principal: Alright everyone, listen up. I don't know about you, but I for one am sick and tired of hate speech that serves to marginalize others. Russian 1: [balding, with facial stubble] Is it him? Russian 2: [with mustache] Yes, it's him. PC Principal. PC Principal: [walks up to the bar and puts his pickaxe aside, and drinks the glass of water waiting for him] You know, if there's one thing that makes me sick, it's when a race thinks they're superior and don't know how to check their privilege. [a Russian walks up to him and lays a hand on his shoulder. PC Principal responds with a right hook. A second Russian attacks, and PC Principal responds with a knee to the chest and slams him onto a table, which shatters under him. PC Principal then stands over him and stomps on his face, shattering his head to pieces. A third Russian lunges at him with a knife, but he kicks that Russian in the face, then delivers a head butt and snaps his neck in half. The remaining Russians back away. A fourth Russian attacks him, but he breaks that Russian's arm and punches him away. A fifth one attacks, and he punches him away. A sixth one attacks with a cue stick, but PC Principal snaps the stick in two and jabs the thick end into the Russian's right eye. A seventh one takes a shot at him, but he takes the gun and jabs the ax into the Russian's head. An eighth Russian walks up to him, but throws his hands up when PC Principal aims the gun at him.] Russian 3: I'm not one of them! I'm not one of them! PC Principal: An African-American flips a turtle over on its back. A transgender Filipino comes and sees the helpless turtle baking in the sun. What color is the Filipino's father? [The Russian doesn't know how to answer] I didn't think you were human. [the Russian lunges at him, but he fires off four shots through the Russian's head and kicks him in the face. He then notices his axe and pulls it out of the seventh Russian's head. He turns around and walks out of the bar.] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids mill around in the hallway. Bebe goes to her open locker, Wendy walks her way, Craig and Tweek walk by holding hands. Butters: [still in his halo, talking to Charlotte on his iPhone] Yeah, everybody's pretty freaked out over here, baby. Everyone is on edge and feelin' really nervous. Charlotte: That sounds terrible. Be careful, Butters. Butters: I will, honey. Kyle: Butters. [Butters' smile vanishes] Get to the bathroom. Now. [Butters is a bit alarmed] Scene Description: The boys' restroom, later. Kyle is inside and locks the door. He turns to see the other four boys - Stan, Cartman, Butters, and Kenny Stan: Alright Kyle, what's this about? Kyle: Jimmy's dead. Cartman: What? Kyle: I know the whole story. PC Principal killed him, and tried to kill Leslie, but she got away. Kenny: (Are you fuckin' serious, dude?) Kyle: PC Principal is part of a huge network of radicals who kill everyone who doesn't follow their PC ideology. Stan: How do you know all this? Kyle: Because Leslie's with me. I'm keeping her safe. Butters: Heh, [sing-song] Kyle's got a girlfriend? Kyle: It gets worse. Someone in this town helped these people come here. That person faked the Bill Cosby joke to get Principal Victoria fired. Cartman: Who would use a Cosby joke to push their own agenda? Kyle: I think it's obvious. Stan's dad. Stan: Kyle! Kyle: Stan, your dad is one of them. He had to be the one to let them in. Stan: [gets in his face] You're letting paranoia and suspicion get the better of you! [walks past him, opens the doors, and walks out] Kyle: There's no way to know who we can trust. Cartman: So what do we do now? Kyle: There's only one thing we can do. [turns around] We have to get guns. Butters: Guns? Kyle: It's the only way for us to be safe. Cartman: Kyle, even if we thought it would help protect us, how are we all gonna get our hands on guns? Scene Description: The neighborhood park, day. The boys are on the basketball court checking out their new guns. Cartman: Alright, cool, we got guns. So now what? Kenny: (Now we need to steal a car and escape.) Butters: I already feel a lot safer. Kyle: You guys lay low and watch your backs. I'm gonna go keep Leslie protected. Cartman: Hey! Don't fall too hard, partner. [Kyle smiles and walks off. Cartman poses with his gun] Do I look sweet, Butters? Butters: [giggles] Yeah. Scene Description: The Marsh house, dinner. The whole family is present, eating chicken, mashed potatoes, carrots, and garlic bread. Stan looks up at Randy, then gets angry. Randy notices and looks back, then gets in his face Randy: What? Stan: What? Sharon: Can you pass the garlic bread, Randy? Randy: Why wouldn't I be able to pass the garlic bread? [picks up the bowl and offers it to her. She takes some bread from it, and he sets it back where it was.] Stan: Dad, where were you last night? Randy: What, wait. Where was I what? Out, with friends, doing things. [wipes his face clean] Well I'm full. I'm gonna go work in the garage for a little bit. [leaves the table] Stan: Work on what? Randy: On stuff to do, things. [reaches back and takes some more food.] Um, oh I'm gonna take some of this with me. I'm still hungry. Sharon: I thought you just said you were full. Randy: Jee-sus! What? Am I on trial or something? God-damn! [takes the bowl of garlic bread] You guys are really acting strange. [his mouth remains a bit open as he walks away keeping an eye on the family] Scene Description: The garage, moments later. Randy enters it and closes the door behind him. Mr. Garrison, Principal Victoria, and Caitlyn Jenner wait for him at the workbench. Randy: Alright, we're good. Nobody suspects a thing. [sets the food on the bench, next to a laptop they're looking at]'' Mr. Garrison: Take a look at this. Principal Victoria: We've got everything from PC Principal's hard drive. He was on to the gentrification around the world, and he was convinced that whatever was responsible... wasn't... human. Randy: Not human? Then what? Mr. Garrison: I don't care if they're aliens or vampires, we need to round them up fast and fuck them till they're dead. Caitlyn: You don't wanna fuck a vampire, you'll get hepatitis. Mr. Garrison: Oh girlfriend, I'm well beyond that. [Caitlyn giggles] Randy: Oh my God. Don't you see what this means? If something not human is gentrifying the entire world, soon no human will be ale to afford it. They're trying to price our species out of existence. Scene Description: ShiTpaTown, day. There are lofts there now, just as in SoDoSoPa, and the camera zooms in on one in particular... Nathan and Jimmy are seated around a coffee table in the loft Nathan: Well? How do you like my new apartment? Jimmy: What happened to you, Nathan? I always thought you were a nice kid. Now you've got a gun? Nathan: Huh. Everyone's gettin' one of these now, Jim. Nobody knows whom to trust. Jimmy: Yeah? Well guns are never the answer. Nathan: Don't you kinda wish you'd had one back when Leslie betrayed you and nearly beat you to death? Jimmy: Oh. I guess it would have been a decent answer then. Tou-t-t-t.. touché. Nathan: You see, I've got expensive tastes, Jimmy. I like good food. [leaves his chair and walks around] Organic pressed juices. And I've got a thing for high-class prostitutes. [stands next to a black woman who's buffing her nails with an emery board.] Have you been introduced to my current girlfriend? Classi: My name is Classi, with an I, and a little dick hanging off the C that bends around and fucks the L out of the A S S. Jimmy: Nice to meet you, Classi. Nathan: All I had to do was work for the ads and I got everything I wanted. My own loft, with all of ShiTpaTown right at my doorstep. All it took was some PC and the whole thing was set in motion. Jimmy: Oh great. So now ads are using PC for their own gain? That's a new low. Nathan: What is PC but a verbal form of gentrification? Spruce everything up, get rid of all the ugliness in order to create a false sense of paradise. Only one thing can actually live in that world. Ads. Jimmy: I know I've said it before, but man, do I hate ads. Scene Description: Cartman's house, night. He's in the living room watching a movie and eating chips on the sofa. The lights come on and Liane appears at the foot of the stairs Liane: Eric Cartman, I told you to get ready for bed! Cartman: Yeah, I just want finish this movie. Liane: No, Eric! This is a school night! Cartman: Mom, I'm into this movie. I'm not going to bed right now. Chillax. Liane: You most certainly are! Right now, mister! Cartman: I will go to bed [stands up and aims his gun at her] when this movie is over, Mom! Liane: Eric, where did you get that? Cartman: Turn off the light and go back to bed. I'm staying up. Liane: Eric, you march right up to your room, and you- Cartman: I don't think so, Mom. Liane: Eric, you get your butt to bed! Cartman: No means no, Bill Cosby! Liane: [draws a gun on him] I told you to go upstairs right now! Cartman: Whoa, Mom, what the hell? Liane: I'm not going to tell you again, Eric! It is time... for night-night! Cartman: Mom, put down the gun. Liane: [advances on him] I am your mother, and you will do what I tell you! Cartman: Okay, I am going. [walks around her, keeping his gun trained on her.] Liane: Well then, you go right now, Mister! [keeps her gun trained on him] Cartman: I'm going to bed now, Mom. Chillax. [begins to go up the stairs backward.] Liane: Alright then. No comic books, just straight to sleep! I love you, sweetie. Cartman: Okay, I love you too, Mom. Night-night. [the sound of a door closing is heard] Liane: [caresses her pistol] Wow, he... he listened. [puts it into her robe pocket and walks towards the kitchen] Scene Description: Randy's garage. day. He's in there with Victoria, Garrison, and Caitlyn Randy: There has to be something. Some clue as to what we're dealing with. Principal Victoria: The news stories PC Principal researched are all so contradictory, as if whatever these things are have control over the news somehow. Randy: That sounds like vampires to me. Principal Victoria: We have to find out who had me fired with the Cosby joke. It's the key to knowing what we're dealing with. Stan: Principal Victoria? [the adults take notice] Mr. Garrison? Caitlyn Jenner? Randy: Stan, what the hell are you doing in here? Stan: Tell me what's going on, Dad? Randy: Nothing. We're just hanging out, talking about Coldplay, alright? Stan: [pulls out his gun and aims it at the adults. The adults hold their hands up] No! I wanna know what the hell is going on right now! Randy: What are you doing with that? Stan: Kyle said I couldn't trust you! What are you planning, Dad? Randy: Stan, it isn't what you think. Stan: Then what is it?! Randy: Look, I need to show you something, okay? You need to see this, son. [slowly reaches into his back pocket as Stan watches intensely, whips out his gun and aims it at Stan] Ohh! Psych! Now put the fucking gun down, bitch! Stan: I'm gonna go tell Mom! Randy: Oh yeah? You go tell her! I'll tell her you had a gun! You'll be in more trouble than me! [Stan looks to the door, then at Randy] Stan! I am your dad. Put the gun down and sit over there. Stan: [runs out of the garage] Mom! Randy: Shit! [runs after him] Scene Description: An aircraft carrier at sea. A helicopter drops down onto it and three sailors arrive to greet it. Other sailors stand nearby. The helicopter door opens and PC Principal, in handcuffs, is escorted out by two soldiers. Weathers: Took a lot to hunt you down, PC Principal. You mind tellin' me why you're goin' around the world shootin' up revitalized arts and foods districts? PC Principal: You wouldn't believe me if I told you. Weathers: Try me! PC Principal: [faces him] I don't know what they are, but they used me and others like me to try and change this planet. Weathers: You don't know what "who" are? Johnson: Sir! The President is on the phone. He wants to talk to you about PC Principal. [PC Principal looks at him as Weathers gets the phone] Weathers: Yes, Mr. President? I see, sir. Yes, I understand. [lowers the phone and relays the President's orders] We're to release him immediately, no questions asked. And we're not supposed to believe anything he tells us. [the helicopter soldiers come and take the cuffs off him] PC Principal: Huh, ain't that a peach? Weathers: He's being set free now, Mr. President. Can I tell the commander why? Leslie: [in President Obama's voice] This is a matter of national security. [the camera pulls back to show that she's at the Park Motel] Weathers: I understand, sir. Leslie: Thank you. God bless you. Weathers: God bless you too, sir. Leslie: May God bless the United States of America. [hangs up and puts her phone away, then leaves the bathroom. Kyle is waiting outside] Kyle: Are you okay? Leslie: Yeah, just feeling butterflies. And my hands are freezing! Kyle: Here. [holds her hands to warm them up] Leslie: Thank you, Kyle. [smiles] Kyle: Don't worry, Leslie. I won't let anything happen to you. [smiles back and blinks] Scene Description: The Marsh house. day. He has his gun drawn. Behind him are the living room, Victoria, Garrison, and Caitlyn. Randy: I'm warning you: you're on the wrong side of this! We're just trying to get answers! Sharon: [has a gun drawn on Randy] You pulled a gun on our son, Randy! Randy: He pulled one on me first, Sharon! Stan: Because you wouldn't talk to me, Dad! Randy: [aims his gun at Stan] Stanley, let your mother and I deal with this! Sharon: I told you to leave him alone! Shelly: God I hate this family! [pulls out her own gun and aims it at Sharon] Why are you always taking Stan's side?! Randy: [shifts his aim from Stan to Shelly] Whoa! Whoa, Shelly! Put down the gun, Shelly! Shelly: You're always acting like Stan can't do anything wrong! Stan: [shifts his aim from Randy to Shelly] She doesn't always take my side! Shelly: [turns and aims at Stan] You shut up or I swear to God I'll use this! Randy: Shelly, put it down, now! Shelly: [shifts her aim to Randy] You don't even try to know me, Dad! Randy: I want to, Shelly! I just sometimes feel like you hate me! Sharon: I feel like you hate me, Randy! Randy: [shifts his aim from Shelly to Sharon] I don't hate you, I love you! I need to be a better husband, [aims at Stan, who aims back] a better father! [shifts his aim to Shelly] Stan: We all need to be better to each other! [Shelly shifts her aim to Stan, then to Randy, and then to Sharon] Shelly: Okay, maybe I need to stop being so angry! Randy: [lowers his gun] I love you guys. [Sharon lowers her gun] Stan: [lowers his gun] We love you too, Dad. [Shelly lowers hers] We just wanna know what's going on with you. Randy: Alright. I'll tell you everything. [caresses his gun] Wow, these things are amazing. [all the while Grandpa Marvin just ate. He didn't pull out a gun, and none was pulled on him.] Scene Description: Jimbo's Guns, day. He's getting a lot of customers. Thomas and Laura Tucker enter. Inside are the Stotch, the Stevens, the Testaburger, and the Rodriguez parents. Clyde is there with his dad. Jimbo is behind the main counter, Ned is behind a side counter. An elderly woman approaches Jimbo Jimbo: Alright, Mrs. Farnicle, enjoy, and remember: if the safety's on, you're good as gone. [Mrs. Farnicle leaves with her purchase] Okay, and next customer, please. [Officer Barrady, in civilian clothes, steps up with his purchase] Hah, going for the big one, huh? You must be feeling extra jumpy. Officer Barbrady: You don't know the half of it. Jimbo: [prepares the shotgun for him] Well, this thing should make you feel more at ease. You know, you ought-ta check out the gun show. Officer Barbrady: The gun show? Jimbo: [pulls up a sign and shows it to him] Yeah, it's gonna have everything! And with guns bein' so popular, practically everyone in town is gonna be in attendance! Officer Barbrady: The entire town in one location? [this spooks him] Oh my God! Scene Description: A Park Motel bathroom. Leslie is inside on the phone Leslie: The principal has become our biggest problem. We need a news headline that will draw him back to town. Nathan: [in his loft, away from Jimmy] Oh, you're gonna sponsor my content some more, baby? I'm all ears. Scene Description: The Lofts at ShiTpaTown. While Nathan talks to Leslie on the phone, Jimmy chats up Classi Jimmy: I've got to get to the Super School News. Hey, Classi, you think you can get me my crutches? Classi: Mah, I don't think Nathan would like that. Jimmy: You seem like a reasonable person. Do you really wanna live in a world controlled by ads? I mean, come on, Classi. Classi: No. It's C-Lasssi, with an I. The little dick that hangs off the C fucks the L out of the ASS. CL-ASSSI. Jimmy: Sorry, my bad. Look, I'm a news reporter, Claaassi, and in a world where ads control the news, there's no way to be sure anyone is ever hearing the truth. Classi: Truth about what? Scene Description: A Park Motel room. The blinds are drawn and Kyle peeks through the slats Leslie: We can't just hide, Kyle. We have to let people know PC is the enemy before it's too late. Kyle: Leslie, we don't know who is on their side. We have to stay safe. Leslie: The principal is going to try and make up some crazy story. That's what PC people do. You have to get in front of everyone and tell them what you've learned. Kyle: I... [turns aside and walks off] gave up giving speeches. Leslie: But why? I came to you because I had heard how good you were at getting messages across. That and because... [smiles] I thought you were cute. Kyle: I'm sure I'd have no problem giving a speech if you could be by my side. Leslie: Well... I can't go with you, you know. It's too dangerous. Kyle: Not if we go somewhere that's completely safe from any violence. Leslie: Where? Kyle: The gun show. Leslie: Gun show? Kyle: There'll be so many guns that nothing bad can happen. Scene Description: The Marsh house. Randy has brought the laptop to the table. Victoria, Garrison, and Caitlyn join him around the dining room table as Shelly and Grandpa eat, and all their guns are on the table Sharon: Someone purposely had Principal Victoria replaced with a new principal? Randy: Yes. They wanted to use his PC as a means to start gentrification in our town. Mr. Garrison: That'w why we thought PC Principal was behind it. But now we know they were just using his PC abilities to service their own needs. Randy: When the pussy-crusher story came out in Super School News, it started to make PC Principal question himself. He started digging for answers. They didn't like that, so they tried to distract and mislead him. With this. [the distractions begin] Sorry, that's an ad for McDonald's, hold on. With... this. Oh. N, oh, there's that ad again. God these things are annoying. Anyways, whatever these beings are, they try to keep anyone from knowing the truth from [another pop-up ad] Ugh, I don't wanna see a slideshow. PC Principal said something was trying to divert and distract his subconscious mind with this. [The US-Thailand article comes up, with the accompanying State Farm ad. Stan gets a good look at it] Stan: Wait... That's Leslie. [walks away from the table] Oh my God... It's Kyle. Mr. Garrison: Kyle? Stan: Kyle has been protecting Leslie. They're together. He's been making everyone feel paranoid and saying you're the enemy, Dad. Randy: [rises from his chair] Well then, it's time to go ask Kyle why he sold out his own kind. Principal Victoria: How will we get him to talk? Randy: We're going to kill him with kindness. But instead of kindness we're going to use guns. Mr. Garrison: Yeah! Stan: Yeah! Randy: Come on, let's go! [everyone grabs a gun and heads out the front door. Randy looks at Shelly] Shelly, you take care of Grandpa! Shelly: Oooo-kay! [aims her gun at Marvin's head and Randy realizes what she's doing] Randy: Nonono, don't shoot Grandpa, just literally take care of him. [follows the others outside and hops into Caitlin's car with them.] Caitlyn Jenner: Buckle up, buckaroos! [starts the car, backs out of the driveway, and runs over an elderly woman and her dog. The dog is unscathed, but the woman is dead and mangled up] Scene Description: The Lofts at ShiTpaTown. Nathan walks up to Jimmy and hands him a copy of the school paper for tomorrow Nathan: Here it is, Jimmy. Hot off the presses. Jimmy: What is that? Nathan: The newest edition of Super School News, hitting the streets tomorrow. Jimmy: Tragedy at gun show? What happened at the gun show? Nathan: Not what happened, what's going to happen. The final sweeping underneath the rug. By this time tomorrow nobody will be asking questions ever again. The ads will have won. And I will be... The man. Classi: I think the ads are playin' yo' ass. Nathan: [slaps her across the face] Shut up Classiii! Classi: Oh heeelllllll no! Nathan: What? Classi: Oh hell no! Yo' Down's Symdrome ass just slapped me! I'mo break your dick off! [picks him up and slams him into the glass wall that doubles as a window] Nathan: Hang on, Classi, I'm sorry. Classi: [punches him] I will bust yo' fuckin' ass! [punches him] I will bust yo' fuckin' nose. I ain't no Mimsy, asshole! [punches him] I'm a classy bitch! [punches him] And I do not! [punches him] Want ads! [punches him] Controllin' my news! [punches him. He groans as she lets him drop to the floor and walks away. She brings Jimmy's crutches to Jimmy] Jimmy: Classi! Thank you. Classi: You need my help? You got it! Jimmy: I need your phone to call Officer Barbrady. And we have to get to that gun show, fast! Classi: Quick! To the Classi mobile! [they leave the loft and hop into her car, and finally drive away] Scene Description: The South Park Gun Show. The show's sign and trophy are shown onscreen. Announcer: Welcome back to the South Park Gun Show. We've had over 2000 gorgeous guns come through this arena today. It's been whittled down to seven, the winners from each group. David, take us down theh line. [the seven are: Stephen Stotch, Fr. Maxi, Mayor McDaniels, Jimbo Kern, Linda Black, Ryan Valmer, and Richard Adler] David: First we have the beautiful Yorkshire 33mm with proud owner Stephen Stotch. Announcer: An absolutely gorgeous gun, David. David: The playful and lovely Australian semiautomatic owned by Father Maxi. Announcer: And there's the Mayor with her delightful Rhodesian ridgeback shotgun-rifle mix. David: That's a favorite of the crow here. Always a favorite at these shows. Cartman: That's a nice gun right there. David: The judge now asking to see that Yorkshire 33mm up close. Announcer: And there it is, just a beautiful gun in motion. Everybody loves it. [Stephen starts to prance aroundn with it, then returns to his mark. The crowd applauds its approval.] Looks like the judge wants to take another look at that shotgun-rifle mix. [The Mayor takes out a clicker and prances around with her shotgun-rifle mix. She returns to her mark and Jimbo takes his turn] David: And next up will be the- Randy: Nobody move! [enters the arena with Garrison, Victoria, Caitlyn, Sharon, and Stan] Mr. Garrison: Everyone just stay where you are! Announcer: And it looks like the gun show is under attack, David. [everyone in attendance gets their guns and arms them.] David: Yes, six armed gunmen have entered the arena, one of which is carrying an absolutely gorgeous little Pekingese Glock 17. Randy: Listen to me, everyone! There are beings who are purposely gentrifying the Earth so that humans can no longer afford it! We've been looking for Kyle Broflovski! Somebody's hiding him! [the spectators begin pointing guns at each other] Kyle: [enters the arena at the far end with Leslie] Don't listen to them! The real conspiracy here are the PC extremists who have no problem killing whoever doesn't think like they do! [faces Stan] You son of a bitch Stan! How could you have sided with the enemy?! Stan: Fuck you, Kyle! You're the enemy! Jimmy: [enters the arena at the near end] You both got it wrong. [he's with Classi and Barbrady] Kyle: Jimmy? Mr. Garrison: Officer Barbrady? Randy: Classi? Sharon: [aims her gun at Randy] Randy?? Jimmy: Kyle, I know you probably thought Leslie was a kind, caring girl. But the truth is she's just an ad. Randy: An ad? Officer Barbrady: They've become sentient, They've taken human form. You can't tell what's human and what's an ad anymore. Mr. Garrison: Oh, Jeez, are you serious?! How am I supposed to fuck an ad to death?! Randy: Woah, flippin' ads! They're such a pain in the ass! Kyle: You told me Jimmy was dead. Stan: So now we know who got Principal Victoria fired! Mr. Mackey: [looks around, then jumps out of his seat] Nobody move! Okay?! Everyone just stay where you are! Randy: Mackey? Mr. Mackey: Yes, I wanted Principal Victoria fired! But I didn't want any of this! Principal Victoria: You got me fired?! Why?! Mr. Mackey: Eighteen years of answerin' to you! EIGHTEEN YEARS! Of you always... tellin' me what to do! Principal Victoria: If you had problems with me, why didn't you just talk to me? Mr. Mackey: You never listen!! Nobody listens to me! They just expect me to listen to them! Gerald: Maybe we should have realized that sometimes the counselor needs counseling. Mr. Mackey: I don't know, maybe I got manipulated by these ads too somehow but, I should have been a better person! Randy: We all could be better people! All of us! We all played a part! Stephen: Maybe from now on people in this town need to communicate more! Care about each other! Mr. Garrison: If we're gonna defeat our enemies, that's what it's gonna take! All of us, together! [with all the speeches done, they lower their weapons] Randy: If only we'd had these before, huh? Leslie: [now isolated] Every time you block us, we get smarter. Every time you try to stop us, we are more. If one plan fails, we will plan another. You will never be rid of ads! PC Principal: HEY LESLIE! [she look to her left] Your species took PC and twisted it for evil purposes. [he runs towards her and drops the mic] THAT PISSES ME OFF! [he reaches her and delivers a right hook, then a left one, then does this again. He picks her up like a rag doll and holds her by the neck] You're expelled. [he delivers a final blow that goes clear through her head, but instead of blood, a day-glow blue liquid oozes out of it] Cartman: Yes, dude! Randy: Well, I guess there's just one last thing to take care of. Scene Description: ShiTpaTown, day. The town has gathered in front of Whole Foods. Randy: Why did it have to be like this?! Why couldn't we try to live on this planet together?! Maybe we're not perfect beings, but we built a better town. We didn't need you to do that! And we'll keep on trying to make it better! Sharon: Randy, you're yelling at a Whole Foods. Randy: Go on, get outta here! We know! Others will know! [holds up the latest edition of the Super School News, which has Leslie on the front page under the headline "YOUR FRIEND MIGHT BE AN AD"] It isn't going to be so easy! Not anymore! [the ground begins to rumble underfoot and the sidewalk begins to crack open. The Whole Foods lifts off like a flying saucer, turns around, and flies away] Scene Description: A flag blows on a pole, presumably outside of the school. PC Principal: Alright everyone, listen up. I don't know about you, but I for one am sick and tired of all the hate speech and micro-aggressions against our species. [a series of popup ads floats by] We have a new enemy out there. An almost invisible foe that is so bigoted, so racially biased they actually think we should all die. [a boy is shown at his computer at home, watching as ads fill his monitor] They are trying to attract our youth using tactics that are underhanded and unfair. [PC Principal is shown holding a school assembly as he had in earlier episodes] But no matter how hard they hit us, we cannot let them take from us our PC. And so I have been asked to stay on as your principal. A lot of changes will happen in the coming months. [Caitlyn puts a Garrison/Jenner pin on Mr. Garrison's lapel and straightens his tie. Then they bump fists and Garrison goes onstage] The bottom line is that the only thing that distinguishes those who want to kill us from those who don't is that we have the burning desire for social justice. We are at war, but the only way to win this war is to be as understanding, non-biased, and politically correct as possible. Stan: This is going to be really hard.

Scene Description: South Park Elementary Gymnasium. The girl's volleyball team are warming up. Jim: Hello everyone and welcome back. We are live at South Park Elementary School where the local girl's volleyball team is about to take on the Jefferson Sabers. Mike: And, hey Jim, it is packed. Sellout crowds tonight, first time in team history. Everyone turning out to see what's going to happen. Jim: [Camera switches to Nichole, who is stretching] That's right, Mike. All eyes are of course on fourth grader Nichole Daniels. Will she sit or stand for the National Anthem? [The crowd stare at her.] Mike: This week with athletes all over the country sitting down for the National Anthem, [Two people are seen holding a banner reading 'WE SUPPORT YOU NICHOLE!'] the question on everyone's mind is "What is this little girl gonna do?" Jimbo: She's not gonna sit down. Why would she? Randy: Screw that. I've got 100 bucks riding on this. Come on, Nichole. Sit on it! Sports Commentator: Now please rise for the National Anthem. [they stand up.] Randy: This is it. Mike: The National Anthem starts. Nichole Daniels seems to be waiting. So far no si... Oh! [The camera moves to Heidi Turner, who is sitting down.] And Heidi Turner is sitting down! Crowd: Ooh! Jim: Might be totally unexpected. All eyes were on Nichole when Heidi Turner comes out of nowhere and sits down. Mike: [Interrupting] And there goes Meghan Ridley! The crowd is going wild. What a turn of events! Let's check in with Dave. Dave: And Mike, I've just looked at the girl's Twitter accounts and it appears they are sitting out the National Anthem to protest the harassment and trolling they receive on the Internet. Mike: Complete surprise, Dave. Nobody saw this coming. Three girls now sitting down and finally, there goes Nichole. Randy: Wow, Yeah, 100 bucks! Jim: And, as the anthem draws to a close, this thing is over. Mike: The final result, four athletes sitting out of the National Anthem, three of them not even black. A shocker here in South Park, thanks for joining us. [People start leaving] Stephen: Oh my god, that was great. [The crowds empty out, leaving only a few left.] Referee: Ah, play ball. [Blows whistle. The girls start playing.] Scene Description: PC Principal's office. He's addressing the girls PC Principal: Alright, ladies. First of all I wanna say that I completely respect your decision to protest our national anthem. Thought it was sweet. I believe you shed some light on some very important issues regarding gender equality. Heidi: What are you doing about Eric Cartman?! PC Principal: Ladies, I understand you're upset about the trolling you've received on the Internet, but there is no evidence that Eric Cartman is Skankhunt42. Wendy: It is him, it's completely obvious, and nobody is doing anything about it! PC Principal: Well he claims that he's been working at changing himself and the world around him. [presses the intercom button] Send in Mr. Cartman. Cartman: [opens the door and enters] You wanted to see me, PC Principal? PC Principal: Mr. Cartman, I'm gonna ask you one more time, are you or are you not the Internet troll Skankhunt42? Cartman: It's "Skankhunt42" and no I am not. Heidi: He's lying. Make him show you his phone. Cartman: Unfortunately, that'd be a breach of my civil rights, but I can assure you, nobody respected you girls' poignant protest more than I did. Scene Description: The U.S. Senate, day. Joe Biden: Fellow Senators, our nation is divided like never before. While people everywhere fight for their voices to be heard, perhaps it is time for us to consider that our national anthem needs to be changed. Americans need an anthem that inspires and excites, an anthem that has something for everyone while still paying tribute to what it once was. I believe there's only one person capable of achieving this. [clicks on a handheld button and the picture behind him changes] J.J. Abrams. Senators: [murmuring among themselves] J.J. Abrams! Joe Biden: He saved Star Wars, and now we will ask him to save our country. Scene Description: Three helicopters take to the sky and fly out of sight Scene Description: J.J. Abrams' mansion. The helicopters touch down by the front gates and the senators pour out Lady Senator: [over a megaphone] Mr. Abrams? Mr. Abrams, we need to speak with you. Male Senator: Look, there. [a light comes on at the left end of the second floor, and a shadow stops by the window] Lady Senator: [over the megaphone] Mr. Abrams I speak on behalf of Americans everywhere. We've come to ask you to reboot the national anthem. Please Mr. Abrams. We know you've been asked to reboot a lot. Senator 2: [whispering] We know you're tired. Lady Senator: We know you're tired. Senator 3: [takes the megaphone] What do you say, sir? We all want something new and that makes us remember the things we lost. We want to 'member! We need your 'member berries! [Abrams mulls it over] Male Senator: One light means yes, two lights means no. [Abrams reaches to his left and one light comes on. The gathered crowd goes wild.] Scene Description: South Park Elementary gym, day. Cartman holds a school assembly Cartman: Fellow students, as you know, an Internet troll by the name of Skankhunt42 has been harassing women and girls by making degrading comments on our school message board. The girls are very upset, and many male students believe that it's just because girls don't have a sense of humor. I beg to disagree. Girls rule, women are funny, get over it. Just the other day, in the hallway, I heard two male students saying how the new Ghostbusters sucked balls. I was shocked and appalled. It is time for us all to realize and accept that girls are cool, and women are funny. Wendy? Wendy, could you come up here, please? Come on up, Wendy. Wendy Testaburger, guys. [some of the kids clap, Wendy stands up and walks over to Cartman] Wendy, go ahead. Be funny. [he holds the mic to her face, and she looks at him warily. He tried harder, she leans farther away] Say something funny, Wendy. We can't wait. Wendy: I'm not funny. Cartman: Hey, girls are funny, Wendy. Okay? Get over it. Just do women's comedy stuff. You know, talk about how fat you are and how you wanna have sex with guy and then say "my vagina" a lot.. Wendy: I don't feel like being funny right now. Cartman: And that's just the kind of sexist bull-crap that's gonna keep you in the kitchen. Sit your ass down. [Wendy goes back to her spot on the gym floor] This isn't a joke, you guys. Girls are funny. Bebe, why don't you come up here? Come on, Bebe. Bebe: NO! Cartman: No? Come on, talk about havin' sex with guys, and say "vagina" and stuff like that. Go ahead. [looks her over quickly] Girls rule, women are funny. Bebe, get over yourself. Seriously. Bebe: Get the mic out of my face! Cartman: [moves away] Huh. Oh my God, that wasn't really all that funny. That's weird. Um, let's see. Red? You have any zingers for the crowd? No? How about you, Nelly? Nelly: Yeah, I got one. You're a fat fuck! [Butters got a great laugh out of that one] Cartman: K, that wasn't really funny, it was just angry. Nelly: [stands up] You see, what the problem is, is that when a little troll is allowed to say anything he wants anonymously, then he speaks for all you boys! Cartman: K, that's good, now just try to say it a little funnier now. Nelly: Go ahead and get on our school message board and see what he's saying about us! Then see if you guys think it's funny! Cartman: Okay, and then, and then, and then just go, "my vagina." Scene Description: The Marsh living room. Randy is watching a news segment on CNN News anchor 1: And as our country seems to be more and more divided, the only hope is that J.J. Abrams' new national anthem will appeal to everyone and bring back those nostalgic member berries we know and love. Randy: Oh great. Everything's getting a reboot now. [There's a knock on the door and he answers it.] Pollster: Hello sir. I'm with the Gallup poll. We're trying to get a read on how people will be voting in the upcoming Presidential election? Randy: Oh. Oh-okay. Pollster: Great. And will you be voting for the giant douche or the turd sandwich? Randy: Well, this is usually a giant douche household but... we're going firmly with the turd sandwich. Pollster: Oh, the turd sandwich, huh? Randy: That's right. [Sharon appears behind him and sees him talking to the Pollster] You can put my wife and I both down for turd sandwich. Pollster: Well, good luck with that, heh. So far, giant douche is leading in the polls. Randy: [shocked] What? Scene Description: Marsh Dining Room Randy: What the hell is wrong with people?! They really think that a giant douche should be President?? It's insane! Sharon: Why'd you say I'd be voting for the turd sandwich, Randy? You haven't even talked to me about it. Randy: You can't possibly be thinking about voting for the douche?! Stan: Hhhawgh! Randy: What's wrong with you? Stan: I just don't understand why every four years you people freak out over whether to vote for a giant douche or a turd sandwich. Randy: [snidely] Because we're Americans. 'Cause this is America Stan: Why are we doing this again? Why are we back to giant douche and turd sandwich? Randy: [holds his palms out like fans] Cyyynical. Cynical maaan. You just think everything and everyone is dumb, huh? 'Cause you're a kneel-ist. Stan: It's nihilist. Randy: See, you're such a nihilist. Scene Description: News Report News anchor 2: Newest Gallup Poll results are in and they show Giant Douche to be leading Turd Sandwich by nearly 10%. Turd Sandwich has said there's no reason to panic. Hillary Clinton (Turd Sandwich): Polls are of course a useful tool, but they can often be misleading. Our campaign is holding strong. Reporter 1: [after some clamor from the press corps] Mrs. Turd Sandwich? Hillary: Yes, Arthur? Arthur: Uh, Mrs. Sandwich, do you believe that your opponent will gain any momentum from this poll? Hillary: I'm sure that like me, Giant Douche realizes that polls are never the final answer. Scene Description: The Garrison/Jenner headquarters. Mr. Garrison and Caitlyn are dancing around to "Cake By The Ocean" Garrison: Yeah! Suck that poll you dumb bitch! Up 10%. Can you believe that shit?! [walks over to the table on which the radio sits] Oh, Caitlyn. I think we're really gonna win this thing! Think about it. [softly, awed] In a couple of months I will be President of the United States. [begins to worry and turns off the radio] Caitlyn, can I ask you somethin'? Uh, when we actually get into the White House, like um, what are we gonna do? Caitlyn: What do you mean? Garrison: Well I mean, like, you know, once we're President and Vice-President, like, what do we do then? Caitlyn: How the fuck should I know? Garrison: [getting exasperated] Cait, you, you heard about the poll, right? We're probably gonna win. Don't tell me you don't have a plan. Caitlyn: What plan? I thought you had a plan. Garrison: I don't have any fuckin' plan! That's why I have you! I'm gonna be the President and you're gonna be in charge of all foreign and domestic policies! Caityln: I thought you were gonna do that part. Garrison: Are you tellin' me that we're about to be voted into office and we have no idea what the fuck we're gonna do?? [makes two fists] Ohhh Jeeez! Scene Description: Mr. Mackey's Office, Kyle is talking to him Kyle: I think they called it German Collective Guilt, right? Where even the Germans who just did nothing while Hitler rose to power were, were maybe somehow also responsible? Mr. Mackey: Uh huh, uh, m'kay, okay. Kyle: But I can't control what Cartman does, so, so why should I feel ashamed for what Cartman does? Mr. Mackey: Well J.J. Abrams was just rebooting the National Anthem, Kyle, so everything's gonna be fine, m'kay? Kyle: I don't think the answer to all this is member berries. Mr. Mackey: You don't like mem- member berries? Kyle: Agh, never mind. I'm just gonna stay out of it. [gets up and leaves the office. A few seconds later, Mr. Mackey opens a drawer in his desk and pulls out a mason jar with member berries in it. He opens the jar and lifts the berries out] Berries: Oh I 'member. 'Member Chewbacca? Yeah. And 'member AT-ATs? Member? Ey! Hey, 'member Ghostbusters? Ohh, I 'member. 'Member Slimer? Oh, I loved Slimer. 'Member? Ohh, I 'member. [they keep 'membering] Mr. Mackey: How could someone think these things are bad? [plucks a berry and eats it] Scene Description: Decision 2016, Commander In Chief Forum, from HBC News Announcer: The Commander in Chief Forum, with a giant douche and a turd sandwich. Moderator: Back now with the Commander in Chief Forum. I am joined by the Republican nominee, a giant douche. Garrison: Thanks, Matt. Matt: Mr. Douche, some say you don't actually have a viable plan in place if you were to be elected President. Garrison: Huh! Huh well, well who said that? The turd sandwich? Matt: In your campaign, you said that you will deal with our country's immigrants and enemies by personally [reading his notes] fucking them all to death. How do you plan to actually achieve that? Garrison: Well, Matt, I don't think I said I would fuck them all to death. Matt: Okay, well, let's roll the tape on that. Garrison: Oh, sure, okay. [they sit back as clips from previous statements are aired. First, from the time the fleeing Canadian kids were enrolled at South Park Elementary] Well there's only one immigration policy that I believe in, and that's "fuck them all to death!" [At Niagara Falls] Fuck them all to death! Let's make this country great again! Crowd: Fuck them all to death! Garrison: [St. Louis] And then I'm gonna take all the drug pushers in our country, and I'm gonna fuck them-! [another rally] And you know those people in Syria, I'm gonna fuck them! [in Washington, D.C., all worked up] That's how we'll make sure that every terrorist on earth is fuckin' dead! [in a desert] The leaders of North Korea? I'll fuck them all, yeah! [Club Emotion] Yeah! Yeah! [another rally] The criminals in our jails?! Fuckin' dead a day after I- [another rally] Yeah! Those ads that are tryin' to kill us? I'll fuck anyone in the advertising business! And they'll all die too! Matt: So by our estimates, it's roughly 7.6 million people you have promised to fuck to death in your first year of office. Garrison: Uh huh, okay. Matt: And, and, you think that's achievable? Garrison: I do. I do, Matt. Uh, I mean, I'm not gonna just get elected, you know, and, and look like a jackass. Huh, huhuh. [fearfully] Ohhh Jeeez. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, preschool room. Class is in session Teacher: Alright kids, today we have a very special treat. One of the older students has written an original children's story and is gonna read it to you. Come on over, Eric. Cartman: [enters] Hi guys! [takes a seat] Are you all ready to hear a story? Preschoolers: Yeah! Cartman: This was a book I created all with my imagination. It's called "Little Red Riding Kyle. The story of a little gay boy and his adventure with four hilarious women. One day, Little Red Riding Kyle was walking through the forest thinking about guys. He was on his way to visit his grandma, who was a little black boy named Token." Get over it. "But then, a big bad wolf who was a hilarious woman named Janet walked into the house and said 'I have a large vagina' and traded place-" [Kyle enters and pull him out of the room.] Scene Description: The hallway, moments later. Kyle shuts the door behind him Kyle: What the hell are you doing?! Cartman: Rebooting fairy tales to try and ease the friction caused by Internet trolls. Kyle: You really think you're fooling anyone with this fake persona?! Everyone knows you're acting this way by day so you can be horrible to people on the Internet at night! Cartman: Why would I do that, Kyle? Kyle: I don't really care! Just don't drag me into it! [takes Cartman's book and slams it down on the floor, then walks away angrily] Scene Description: Skeeter's Wine Bar, night. Randy is at the bar with Jimbo and Stephen Randy: What is wrong with people, huh?! How can they vote against a turd sandwich more than a giant douche?! It's senseless! Stephen: Randy, you gotta calm down. Randy: [grabs onto Stephen] How can anyone be calm at a time like this?! [lets go] People actually think a turd is worse than a douche! Stephen: Look, maybe you need some supplements to help calm your nerves. Have you heard of member berries? Randy: Member berries? Stephen: It's a new superfruit that helps you mellow out and relax. Scene Description: Stephen's master bedroom, night. He leads Randy in, opens the top drawer of his dresser, pulls out a box and sets it on top of the dresser, closes the drawer, and opens the box. The berries are chatting away. Berries: 'Member The Fugitive? 'Member Bambi? 'Member Alien Nation? Yeah, I 'member... Stephen: The guys at work told me about them. Been taking them about six months now. I'll telling you, they really take the edge off. Berries: 'Member Explorers? The little kids in a spaceship? 'Member storm troopers? 'Member? Randy: Oh, they're adorable. [plucks one and eats it] Scene Description: Garrison/Jenner headquarters. A team of advisers is listening to Garrison as he paces around the room Garrison: Come on, people! I need answers! Real solutions! You're my advisers, for Christ's sake! How do we do this?! Adviser 1: Maybe, if you swam in a pool in Florida, you could contract the Zika virus. Then you fuck all the people you can, and hope they eventually die. Garrison: That would take way too long! And there's no guarantee every pool in Florida has Zika! Adviser 2: Could you use nuclear weapons? Then fuck all the bodies after the fact? Garrison: [walks to the table and takes a seat] Ugh! What the hell do I do? If I win I won't be able to do what I promised. But every day I keep going up in the polls. Why did the Democrats have to elect such a turd sandwich? Caitlyn: Maybe you should just quit. Garrison: If I quit, I look like a total jackass. [gets up and walks away, stopping by the "Pin The Tail On The Donkey" picture with Hillary's face on it.] If I win the election, I look like a total jackass. I have to keep running, [turns to face the picture] but I have to make sure she wins. Scene Description: dramatic music plays out Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids are in the hallway, and Butters is laughing at something on his phone. Stan, Kyle, Jimmy, Craig, and Clyde stop and look at him Butters: Haha! You guys see what Skankhunt42 did on the school server now? Hehe, he photo shopped a picture of Heidi Turner's mom with a dick in her mouth! Craig: I wanna see. Butters: [shows the other boys] Look! There's Wendy's mom with a dick in her mouth too! [Jimmy laughs and takes a closer look] Kyle: Goddammit! [takes the phone from Butters] Do you guys even care how this makes the girls feel?! Craig: We didn't do it. Kyle: We all know who did! And if we don't do something, then the girls will eventually retaliate against us! Cartman: [from a distance] Help! [the other boys see him as he runs to them] Help me! Augh! Aw! [reaches the other boys] Butters: Eric! What happened! Cartman: A bunch of girls! They cornered me in the gym! They said all boys needed to pay! They kicked and they hit me and, and they kept me down and drew this vagina on my face! [well, it's there, but with a pair of testicles attached to it] They said it was to send a message! Clyde: That's a vagina? Cartman: Yeah. See, here's the top of the vagina and there's the balls. [Kyle has lost interest] It's starting, you guys! None of us is safe anymore! Kyle: [flatly] I didn't know vagina had balls. Cartman: Yeah, no, they do! Vaginas totally have balls! Right? Kyle: You're just trying to start a war, aren't you?! Cartman: What do you mean? If vaginas don't have balls, what do they have? Kyle: It's not gonna work, Cartman! I'm not gonna let you divide boys and girls in this school anymore! when this whole thing comes to an end, you're gonna be all on your own! [walks away] Scene Description: Garrison/Jenner headquarters. Garrison and Jenner now have a bank of phones, computers, and phone directories on the table and they're cold-calling people with them. Garrison: Hello sir, how are you today? I'm calling from the Campaign for President, just seeing if uh, I can get your support for Hillary Clinton today. Yes, I know she's a turd sandwich, but you know if ya, if you look past that, you know she, she really has a lot to offer. Well, I hear you, but sometimes in life you just gotta suck a turd, you know? Hello? [hangs the phone up up with anger] Dammit! This is impossible! Are you having' any success, Caitlyn?! Caitlyn: I've tried to get people on board, but she's just such a turd sandwich. You're just gonna have to do something awful to throw the election. Garrison: Every time I do something awful people just get more stoked on me! It's impossible to piss people off anymore! Scene Description: CNN breaking news Anchor 2: This is breaking news. The moment has arrived. It is here. J.J. Abrams says he has finished the new National Anthem. Garrison: Turn it up. Anchor 2: The anthem is sure to be fresh and exciting while recapturing the moments we all knew and loved. Democratic nominee Turd Sandwich said she will be in attendance to show her support for the rebooted anthem. Garrison: Ohhh Jeeez. Anchor 2: Let's all hope that this new anthem puts our differences aside and unites this nation once again. Garrison: That's it, Cait. That's what I have to do. I'm gonna sit out the National Anthem on live television. Then everyone will have to vote for that turd sandwich! Scene Description: The Marsh living room. Randy is relaxing on the sofa with his bunch of member berries. Berries: 'Member Spock? Yeah. 'Member tricorders? I 'member. And 'member Bionic Man? Randy: Ohh, I 'member. Berry: Oh I loved Bionic Man [Randy plucks him and eats him.] Berries: 'Member the Millennium Falcon? 'member Chewbacca again? Oh I love to 'member Chewbacca. I 'member. 'Member? Hey hey hey! 'Member when there weren't so many Mexicans? Oh, I 'member. Randy: Wai- what? Berries: Yeah, yeah, yeah! 'Member when marriage was just between a man and a woman? I 'member! Oh, I 'member. Oh yeahhh. Randy: [fondly] Yeeah, I remember that. [catches himself] Wait. Berries: 'Member feeling safe? 'Member no ISIS? 'Member Reagan? Ohh, I 'member. Ooo, 'member? Ooo, 'member? [Randy sits up and spits out what's left of the berries he's eaten] Randy: What the fuck's going on with these member berries? Scene Description: Kyle's bathroom. There's a knock on the door. Kyle is doing his business on the toilet Kyle: Yeah? Cartman: [opens the door and comes in] Hey broship. Got a minute? Kyle: What are you doing here?? Cartman: You were right, Kyle. Okay? I drew the vagina on my face. I tried to fool people, but you keenly noticed my one tiny error in that girls don't have balls. Kyle: I'm going to the bathroom! Cartman: Kyle, you have to try and appreciate what I'm doing. I know that a war is coming between us and the girls. I knew it the moment they sat out the National Anthem. Kyle: [finishes up and hops off the toilet, pulling his pants up] They sat it out because you were harassing them online. Cartman: Suppose for one second that I'm not Skankhunt42. And that I really have been doing what I've been doing to try and stop the damage he has done? Kyle: Why would you care?! Cartman: 'Cause I'm scared, Kyle. I don't know if you've noticed, but race wars are back. And now if we get gender wars too?? Kyle: If we could just prove who the troll was, then the girls wouldn't be wanting a war, would they?! Cartman: Yeah but... you can't track down an Internet troll, [peers down into the toilet] it's too bad. Kyle: Just know this, Cartman! I'm going to prove who Skankhunt42 is, whatever it takes! Everyone is going to know! And Skankhunt is gonna pay for everything he's! ever! said! Scene Description: Jim and Mike are back, this time commenting on the '49ers/Panthers game. Mike: Hello everyone, we are live at tonight's game between the '49ers and the Panthers, but of course what everyone is really here for, the unveiling of the new National Anthem rebooted by J.J. Abrams. Jim: And Mike, this new anthem is said to have everything the old one had but, some new surprises as well. You'd have to be an absolute asshole not to stand and support it. Mike: This is such a big night for America that both Presidential candidates are here. [Hillary stands up and waves to the camera] There you can see the Turd Sandwich waving to all four people excited by her. [A shot of Garrison and Jenner in their own box, with Garrison waving happily to the crowd] And there's the Giant Douche doing the same. Garrison: When I sit down to not support this thing I'm sure to lose this election! Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen- Garrison: Here it is! Jim: And the Anthem begins, let's hope this fixes America. Announcer: For our National Anthem we now ask you all in solidarity to please rise. [Garrison sits down] Or sit, or take a knee, in order to honor America. [Kaepernick, who has taken a knee, is as confused as anyone else] Garrison: Wait a min- what, wait, what? Wait. [tries to strike a pose that isn't standing, sitting, or kneeling, but gets nothing.] Jim: Ohhh! And J.J. Abrams has absolutely shattered expectations, Mike! Now whether people are standing, sitting, or kneeling, they are all honoring America. J.J. Abrams is a wizard, Tom. A wizard. [Colin Kaepernick is also trying to figure out what to do] Mike: More people sitting now as Abrams has made it irrelevant. Who saw this coming? Jim: And there's the rest of the Anthem, all the parts we remembered and loved. J.J. Abrams has fixed America. Garrison: No, this was supposed to! Oh! OHHH JEEEZ! Scene Description: Reactions from around the town. At her house, Wendy looks at the TV in the living room, then turns left and walks away with an angry look on her face. Bebe is in her own bedroom looking at the TV with an angry look on her face too, then clicks off the TV to go to sleep. At the Daniels' house, Nichole watches the anthem with her parents in the living room, and she's looking angry too. She hops off the sofa and walks to her room. Finally, Kyle is in his room staring at the ceiling with an angry look on his face. Gerald: [opens the bedroom door] Hey Kyle. [Kyle looks at him] You okay, son? Kyle: Yeah Dad. Just thinkin'. Gerald: Well um, I'll be in my office if you wanna talk. [leaves and closes the door. He walks to his office at the end of the hallway] Scene Description: Gerald's office. He goes in and closes the door, turns on the radio to a jazz station on 88.1 FM and heads over to his computer, takes a seat, and pours himself some wine. He goes straight to the South Park Elementary Message Board and logs in. His user name? Skankhunt42. Once on the board, he gets to work with determination on his face. He breaks out in a mischievous smile while he's plugging away

Scene Description: At the school gymnasium, the parents of South Park Elementary students are watching a presentation by Dr. Schroeder about internet trolls. Dr. Wayne Schroeder: Nobody is safe. Nobody can hide from these monsters. Internet trolls are truly predators of society. As parents we find it hard to believe our children are doing these things online, and that is why I've been asked to come and speak to you about the student who has been trolling your school message boards. Scene Description: He changes the PowerPoint slide, showing a defaced picture of Heidi Turner's mother an example of internet trolling by Skankhunt42. Dr. Schroeder: This troll is known only as Skankhunt42. [He cycles to the next slide.] Dr. Schroeder: We believe it probable he's one of the boy students here, since his favorite target seems to be women. Here, you can see Heidi Turner's mother photo shopped with a penis in her mouth, after she defended her daughter's right to sit out the national anthem. Scene Description: The crowd gasps and talk among each other. Dr. Schroeder: Since then, this child has been trolling all over the internet. Visiting message boards, and social media, and filling it with vile comments and hate-filled garbage. [The camera pans to Gerald smiling as Dr. Schroeder talks.] Dr. Schroeder: But trolling is on the rise with teenagers, and we all need to come together to stop it. We need every parent to look for the signs in their own child. Scene Description: He changes PowerPoint to a slide titled 'Signs That my Child is a Troll'. Dr. Schroeder: In order for us to find these secretive monsters, we need all parents to ask themselves: "Could my child be a troll?". Scene Description: Sheila and Gerald's car, at night and after the PTA meeting. Sheila: My God, what children are capable of now. What kind of hate would have to be in that child's heart? Gerald: Well, you never know, could be someone who just, kind of thinks it's funny to stir the pot and watch everyone freak out. [Sheila gives Gerald a questioning look] Gerald: Uh, you know! Maybe the fact that it's so not funny makes it somehow funny, to kids? Gosh, I-I certainly don't understand it. Scene Description: A bridge over a river, snowing. The same picture is reposted by Butters on Twitter, and Heidi looks at it on her phone sadly. Heidi then slowly walks to the side edge of the bridge. Surveying the drop, she types on her phone whilst tearing up. The camera pans up, a splash is heard, and two white birds fly past. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Police cars are parked outside the school. Kyle walks down the hallway past sad kids and police officers who are interviewing the teachers. He turns his head to see Bebe bawling and another girl comforting her who is also bawling. Kyle then meets Stan and Clyde. Kyle: Dude, what's going on? Clyde: You didn't hear? Kyle: Hear what? What happened? Stan: Heidi Turner. She... she quit Twitter. Kyle: Oh no. [Heidi walks past them, looking down.] Stan: Yesterday after school, she wrote one last tweet that said goodbye forever, and then just got off for good. Kyle: She'll get back on. Stan: No dude, she threw her phone in a river. She's... she's gone. Scene Description: At the South Park Elementary library, Mr. Mackey sits in front of a group of 4th graders to help them cope with their loss. Mr. Mackey: Alright students, I know we're all dealing with the loss of a good friend. We have to accept the fact that Heidi won't be on social media anymore. I know we're all gonna miss her, m'kay. We're gonna miss, seeing what she's up to; miss seeing her silly pictures she'd post of her and her friends, m'kay. Scene Description: Bebe breaks down and starts crying; Red shifts over to comfort her. Mr. Mackey: But this is what can happen when someone gets bullied online to the point they just can't go on anymore. [Kyle angrily looks over at Cartman.] Mr. Mackey: I know that some of you are feeling anger, m'kay. [Annie, Wendy, and Nichole are angrily looking down] Some of you are feeling a little guilt, asking how something like this can happen. But the best thing we can do for Heidi, is come together as friends, and as students, m'kay. Mr. Mackey: So now, why don't we all get on Twitter, m'kay, and just tweet some of the, things we loved about Heidi, m'kay? Scene Description: Everyone takes out their phones and an begins typing tweets on Twitter in memory of Heidi. Bebe continues weeping. Mr. Mackey: M'kay. Oh, that's nice, that's nice, m'kay. Oh, that's a good one Sarah, uh-huh. That-that's a - that's a pretty poem. Nice Butters. Oh, Heidi would have loved this so much. This is so special, m'kay. Scene Description: At the South Park Elementary cafeteria, most girls are upset and the boys are eating at a table. Stan: Okay. Can we all agree now, [Stan glares at Cartman] that whoever is doing this, needs to stop? Cartman: Totally, you guys; this has gone far enough. [Kyle looks unimpressed.] The girls are really pissed off at us. [He drinks from a milk carton.] Stan: So tonight, whoever is doing this, isn't going to do it again! 'Cause if he does, we're gonna have to do something about it! Cartman: You hear that guys? It'd better not happen again tonight! [Kyle still looks unimpressed.] I am so, seriously. Scene Description: Broflovski residence, night. Ike is playing Minecraft on his computer. Gerald enters Ike's room Gerald: Ike? Can I talk to you? [Takes a seat on Ike's bed] Come on, pull up a chair. Scene Description: Ike stops playing and sits next to Gerald. Gerald: You know, we had a big parent meeting at the school tonight, and uh, apparently, there's someone trolling the school message boards and, putting... penises in people's mouths. And whoever it was then got a big reaction from it, so he's now putting penises in people's mouths all over the internet. And... he's actually getting pretty famous! Gerald: Sooo, Annie Jerkin's mother started an online campaign to stop internet trolling with a picture of her and her daughter, and you know what happened? She got a dick in her mouth! Gerald: Ha-okay, okay, I know, it's just guy humor stuff, you know. We can laugh about about it here, but, it is serious too. Well, love you pal. Get to sleep, it's a school night. Scene Description: Gerald smiles at Ike before leaving. In the hallway, Sheila encounters Gerald Gerald: Oh, hey! Sheila: Did you talk to him? Gerald: Yeah, yeah, we talked. It was good. Sheila: Oh, that's good. Gerald: Yeah, well, I'd better go and get some of my work done. Sheila: Oh, right, right, yeah. Gerald: Yeah, don't wait up. I'll be a while with these stupid case profiles. Sheila: All right. Night Gerald. Gerald: Night sweetie. [Gerald receives a kiss from Sheila] Scene Description: In his office, Gerald turns on the lights and puts Smokin' by Boston on his turntable in the background. He pours some wine from a hidden compartment into a glass, sits at his desk, puts on his glasses, and starts surfing on Facebook. Text boxes pop up as background impressions voice over them. Woman 1: Hey! Just wanna remind everyone about the ice cream social to benefit homeless teens. Looking for volunteers. Gerald: Hey, I'd like to volunteer to kick you in the vagina! Where do I sign up?! Scene Description: More surfing of Facebook Woman 2: This is my daughter at the triathlon today! Go little girl! Gerald: Your daughter has a mustache - what the hell is wrong with your ovaries bitch?! Scene Description: Camera pans away from Gerald. A woman looks appalled after reading Gerald's post on her computer. Another woman is in shown also shocked. Gerald continues his trolling onslaught. Commentator: You've been dick-slapped! Scene Description: A couple are dining at a restaurant, but the woman becomes outraged after reading another of Gerald's posts on her phone. The man also becomes outraged after she shows it to him. Scene Description: Gerald types on his 2 computers along to the notes of a keyboard. In a bathroom, a man on the toilet is startled after reading yet another of Gerald's post on his tablet. Explosions of various buildings start appearing. Gerald continues his relentless assault, also targeting Annie, who becomes enraged. Scene Description: 2 elephants are shown humping. A clip shows how Gerald photoshops dicks into women's mouths. Then at a Boston concert, Gerald reenacts playing the keyboard by typing on his computers. A traditional man spins 2 rods that are on fire. Scene Description: Finally, Gerald yawns and calls it a night, taking his glass of wine and leaving the room. South Park Elementary, day. The girls are gathered at the playground, and Wendy paces back and forth Bebe: You should've seen what he said about my mother on her Instagram! Pages and pages of disgusting things! Annie: This is an attack on all of us! It's time to make the boys suffer! Wendy: It has to be swift and serious. We have to make a statement. The girls in South Park aren't going to be treated like afterthoughts anymore! Girls (except Heidi Turner): Yeah! Scene Description: A backview shot of the boys is shown, with the girls in the background. Annie: This has gone on too long and it's time to do something! Girls (except Heidi Turner): Yeah! Clyde: [The boys are now the focus.] What do you think they're talking about? Butters: They're talking about how they're gonna get us - what do you think? That's how the world works now. You get blamed for the group you belong to, even if you didn't do nothing! Scene Description: Boy's Restroom, outside. Butters: What are we gonna do about them? Scene Description: Boy's Restroom, inside. The boys are gathered and Stan paces back and forth Kyle: The girls want to see Cartman punished so we have to prove it's him. Craig: We're never gonna prove that and you know it! We have to make him stop! Butters: He's not gonna stop, he's loving all this! He wants the girls to hurt us! Clyde: Then let's end it. Jimmy: What do you mean? Clyde: Cartman is the cause of all our problems. Always. We all know what has to be done. Scene Description: The boys look at Clyde with surprise and dread. Stan stops pacing Clyde: It's not like we haven't talked about it before - fantasized about how we'd do it. Kyle: Yeah, but not like we'd actually do it. Stan: Clyde's right. Kyle: Stan... You can't be thinking that we'd- Stan: What else do we do Kyle? You know better than anybody what a monster he is. Token: He pushed everyone too far. Butters: It's him, or us! Kyle: Are we seriously talking about doing this? Craig: How would we ever get away with it? Stan: We do it out in the woods. I know how to get him to go. Scene Description: In the school hallway, Cartman listens to some music while sitting. He notices the boys walking up to him Cartman: 'Sup dudes? Scene Description: The boys are all looking down. Stan talks in an unenthusiastic tone. Stan: After school, we're gonna go to my uncle's cabin - in the woods. We're gonna have a slumber party and play Counter-Strike all night with no one around to bother us. Cartman: [Stands up excited] Are you serious?! All night broship Counter-Strike party? That's fucking sweet! Does your uncle's cabin have good wifi? Stan: Yeah, but don't tell anyone where you're going. We don't want adults to know cause there's gonna be a ton of junk food. Cartman: Bros!! Dude, that's so awesome! This is gonna be the best night ever! Scene Description: Counsellor's office. Mr. Mackey sits at his desk holding a bunch of Member Berries. Berries: 'Member TIE fighters? Oh, 'member Jawas? 'Member? Hey, 'member Jurassic Park? Ooh, you love Jurassic Park. 'Member Jeff Goldblum? Oh, I 'member Jeff Goldblum - he was really tasty. [Mr. Mackey plucks one berry and eats it] I love Jeff Goldblum. 'Member? Mr. Mackey: Mueeh... Scene Description: Scott Malkinson barges into the counselor's office, startling Mr. Mackey who quickly puts away the Member Berries in his desk drawer. Scott: I can't do this anymore! I can't take it! Mr. Mackey: Oh! Er, hi Scott.[Scott sits on the chair in front of Mr. Mackey.] Scott: Nobody ever pays attention to me! Nobody cares! I just want to end it all! Mr. Mackey: Scott, come on, we've talked about this. You don't wanna quit Twitter. Scott: Why not?! Everyone would be happier if I did! Mr. Mackey: Who'd be happier? Scott: Everyone. Mr. Mackey: Well, what about your parents, huh? How'd you think they'd feel if you quit Twitter? Scott: I don't think they'd even notice! Mr. Mackey: Of course they'd notice. They'd be saad, m'kay, they'd be saad. You've got so much ahead of you Scott; so many posts and tweets still ahead of you. You haven't even started to see what social media has to offer you. You can't-you can't just end it all. Not now. Scott: You're right, I guess I don't want to quit Twitter. Mr. Mackey: There you go, m'kay? But now you come back here anytime you're having bad thoughts, m'kay? Scott: Okay, thanks. Scene Description: Scott leaves the office. Mr. Mackey starts to retrieve the Member Berries, but Scott barges in again, forcing Mr. Mackey to return the Member Berries again. Scott: Twitter would be better off without me! I'm quitting! Mr. Mackey: Okay, okay. Now, Scott-[Scott takes the seat again] Scott: What's the point!? Better to just end it all now! Mr. Mackey: O-kay... Scene Description: In the woods the boys, who are still looking down and unenthusiastic, and Cartman, are trekking along a dirt path, bringing along their electronics. Cartman: This is gonna be so awesome. Just hanging with the bros playing Counter-Strike all night. Alone in the woods - you pumped Token? Token: Yeah, I'm really excited. Cartman: I'm totally gonna do some massive pwnage. Whoever's on my team will be stoked. My laptop's so fast it doesn't lag at all. I can jump around like a pwnage powerhouse. Clyde: I'm sure you will. Cartman: You guys all seem kinda, like, bummed out. Is everything cool? Stan: Everything's fine Cartman. We'll just get there sooner if maybe we don't talk much. Cartman: Okay, cool. Goin' a long way to play Counter-Strike. Guess it's sweet though there won't be any adults to screw it up for us. How much further now? Kyle: We're almost there. Scene Description: At sunset, they arrive at the cabin. Cartman: This place has sweet wifi, right? Gon' be so awesome. Scene Description: In the city, at a campaign-headquarters during the day, a supervisor is walking around. Man: Oh my God. Oh my God! Oh my God! Supervisor: [Walks to the man.] What's wrong? Man: Someone keeps trolling our campaign site! Scene Description: The supervisor takes a closer look at the man's computer screen. Man: He just keeps leaving horrible comments, and now he's attacking me personally! Supervisor: Aww, don't let him get to you. Man: Don't let him-?! He took a picture I posted and put a dick in my mouth! Who does that?! Supervisor: Someone who probably still lives with his mother and hates himself. He obviously has nothing better to do. Just let him wallow in his own misery. Scene Description: At his house, during the day, Gerald leaves the house very cheerfully. Steal My Sunshine by Len starts playing as Gerald strides down the road. He cheerfully gets out of the way of a car after the driver honked. Man 2: Get out of the street, you idiot! Gerald: Sorry! My bad! Scene Description: Gerald passes by 2 neighbors arguing about the election ignorantly, he nearly gets knocked over by a biker, but blissfully passes it off. Gerald: Ha ha! Don't worry! Scene Description: At the supermarket, Gerald picks up a bottle of wine and happily skips to the checkout, passing by the Member Berries' section Berries: 'Member the Cantina? Oh-hoh, I 'member. 'Member Star Destroyers? Yeah, I love Star Destroyers! 'Member? Woman 3: [To the cashier.] I have a coupon for that too. An-and those are 6 for $4 with this coupon. [To Gerald] Sorry. Gerald: Oh, no please. It's no problem at all! Scene Description: On his way home that evening, Gerald slowly dances back to his house. Scene Description: Outside his office at school, Mr. Mackey is locking up, but Scott Malkinson walks up behind him. Scott: I'm gonna do it! [Mr. Mackey turns a worried, then frustrated look] I'm gonna quit Twitter, I mean it this time! Mr. Mackey: Ohh, Scott, uh, I-it's sort of after hours, m'kay? Scott: They all laugh at me. They won't be laughing when I do it! I'll show them! Mr. Mackey: Hah, alright Scott. Come on inside. Huumm... Scene Description: He unlocks the office door, then goes inside with Scott. Scene Description: In the woods, at night, the boys finally reach the cabin. Cartman: Oh, dude, is this it? This is cool. So isolated. [Camera shows a hole and shovel in the ground] Check it out, there's a shovel next to a hole dug in the ground. Scene Description: Inside the cabin, Cartman eagerly goes over to the table at the far end and puts his items on it, while the boys form behind him. Cartman: Dude, is this where we're gonna play? I call dibs on this side! What's the wifi called? Is there a password? Scene Description: Kyle closes the cabin door. Everybody takes out a weapon, except for Cartman. Cartman: I don't see it - I don't see it coming up on my laptop. I don't know, I think maybe the wifi's not working. Where's the box? [Cartman picks up his devices] Cartman: You gotta unplug it and plug it back in. [Turning around] You guys? You guys...? There's...no wifi... Clyde: The girls are gonna do something drastic to us. We have to take matters into our own hands. Cartman: What are you...What are you guys talking about - What- Stan: You brought this on yourself, Cartman. We're sorry. Cartman: Oh my God. Oh my God, you guys are gonna break all my stuff so I can't get online! Kyle: Just put your stuff on the table and step back. Cartman: Please! Please don't break my stuff you guys! This is like, 2 Christmases and a birthday worth of stuff! You guys can't do this! Please! Token: Let's just get it over with! Cartman: No, don't-get-it-over-with! Don't break my stuff! I'm not SkankHunt, I'm not! You guys, you guys, you don't have to do this! You-don't-have-to-do-this! We can still just play Counter-Strike, and forget everything! Oh-my-God, there's no wifi - We can use my phone, to make a hotspot and we can still play Counter-Strike! And it'll be sweet! You guys, come on, please! Please, you can't! Clyde: I can't listen to this! Cartman: Please, Clyde! Clyde, you're my friend! Please, y-you know how much - I - need - my - stuff! Craig: Let's just get it over with! [Walks up to Cartman] Cartman: No please! If I can't get online, I won't-how would I-I- Mumbling. Scene Description: Craig stabs Cartman's laptop with his knife. The rest of the boys start advancing forward. Cartman: No, God! No! Don't! Don't!! Don't!! Oh my God!! Scene Description: Cartman's electronics are knocked onto the table, and subsequently destroyed by the boys Cartman: Oh my God!! Oh my God!! Oh my God!! Aahh!! Niah!! Niaah!! Iaahh!! Iaahh!! Niaaahhhh!!! Scene Description: Cartman passes out. Outside the cabin after some time, the hole is filled up, and Token pats the soil with the shovel. The boys look horrified. Stan: What have we done? Kyle: What we had to do. Cartman: [Off screen.] Iaahh!! Scene Description: In his bedroom, with the lights off, Mr. Mackey is sleeping when his phone starts ringing. Mr. Mackey jolts up from the ringing, puts his glasses on and sees the caller is Scott Malkinson. Mr. Mackey: Oh, Goddammit. You've got to be kidding me. [Sighs, then answers phone.] This is Counselor Mackey. What's going on Scott? Scene Description: Scott is on his phone while off his bed, grabbing onto a pillow. Scott: I swear to God I'm gonna do it this time. Mr. Mackey: Okay Scott, just try to calm down. You don't want to quit Twitter. Scott: Why does it matter? People would be happier if I just did it! Mr. Mackey: That's not true, no one would be happier. [Brings the phone away from his face.] Mr. Mackey: This fucking kid, oh my god... [Brings the phone back to his ear.] Everybody thinks you're a great kid, Scott. Scott: I-I talked to my dad. He said, "I don't have the guts to do it!". Well, if I'd quit Twitter, he'd be sorry! Mr. Mackey: Okay, umm, how 'bout this, just umm, promise me you won't quit Twitter tonight, and we can - we can talk all day tomorrow, okay? M'kay? Scott: I don't know if I'll make it through the night! Mr. Mackey: [off phone] Oh, for fuck's sake... Scott: I just feel like I'm at the edge of a cliff, you know, and being chased by hate. And the only way out is to jump! Mr. Mackey: [on phone] Uh-huh, okay, go on with that. Scott: I keep thinking about what the kids at school would do, when they find out I left all my social media. Like they would finally see all the damage they've done. Mr. Mackey: [off phone] Goddammit, just do it already... Scene Description: At home, at night, Gerald is again trolling online with Smokin' by Boston playing. However, just before leaving, his computer screen lights up with a Google alert, notifying Gerald that he was mentioned on CNN. Gerald clicks on the video link. CNN reporter: Another internet troll is wreaking havoc on message boards, this time attacking a Danish website for women with breast cancer. Gerald: I made the news... CNN reporter: The troll, who goes by the name "SkankHunt42", ... Gerald: [He claps his hands.] Yes! CNN reporter: ...caused the website to temporarily shutdown. Danish Olympic Gold Medalist Freja Ollegard, who started the website, spoke out about the incident. [The inset video of Freja Ollegard zooms in.] Freja Ollegard: I am not shocked. I am not sad. I am not giving this pitiful person the satisfaction of being anything. [Gerald listens intently]. Freja Ollegard: This little troll can have his fun. I am going to be the bigger person. I am going to show the people of Denmark are not so easily broken down. Gerald: Hmm...Game on whore. Game on. Scene Description: Gerald starts furiously typing on his computer, and a shadow appears on his wall by the computer screen's illumination. The camera pans to the shadow. Scene Description: At South Park Elementary the next day, Kyle walks through the hallway again, but this time the girls are angrily slamming their lockers before walking away. He meets Stan and Clyde again. Kyle: What's going on? Stan: You didn't hear? Kyle: Hear what? Stan: The troll, SkankHunt, Kyle. He was all over the internet last night! Kyle: No, that's impossible! Stan: It wasn't him Kyle! We took Cartman out for no reason. [Cartman walks past looking down] We can't undo what we've done. Kyle: Oh my God. Oh my God... Scene Description: Inside Bebe's room, the girls are gathered. Wendy looks unsure. Nelly: The time has come. We said if the trolling didn't stop, there would be severe consequences. Get the word out to every girl in school. It goes down tomorrow! Wendy: Oh my God...I don't know if I can go through with this. Nichole: We all have to be on-board Wendy. Every girl in school, or it means nothing. Annie: Don't forget what you said Wendy: "For too long girls here have taken the backseat! Things have to change!". Now they'll have to listen. Scene Description: At South Park Elementary, the following day, Gortoz a Ran by Denez Prigant plays in the background. Annie hides behind some hallway lockers till her boyfriend passes by. She catches up and gives a note to him, then leaves. The note reads: "I'm breaking up with you forever. Annie.". The boy falls to his knees, drops the note and yells as tears stream down his cheeks, 'No!' in slow motion. Scene Description: Kevin receives a note too from Red, as well as all the boys with girlfriends. Girls run down the hallway holding notes like a deadly mob. The library. Clyde, clutching his hair, cries alone at a table with a note in front of him, tears streaming down his face. Scene Description: Kindergarten couples also break up too, as a girl gives a boy a note that reads: "I brake up.". This results in the boy face planting into his toy blocks construction. Token also receives a note from Nichole at the basketball court that reads: "I break up. Goodbye. Don't call. Nichole". Token falls to his knees, broken. Scene Description: In the Boy's Restroom, 2 boys who received notes resort to hugging each other for comfort. Playground. Kyle is sitting alone on the swings with his class picture in hand, and his eye starts tearing up when he sees Cartman fade from the picture. Scene Description: In the hallway, any boys are crying in corners, notes strewn and crumpled. Stan walks down the hallway, glancing at the boys before encountering Wendy. Wendy regrettably holds out the note in her hand. Stan hesitantly takes the note, and reads: "This is goodbye forever, Stan. I can't fix you. Wendy". When Stan looks up, Wendy is gone from view

Scene Description: Simply Heidi. Her guest is Freja Ollegard Simply Heidi: We are back again with the brave Olympic gold medalist from Denmark, Freja Øllengård. Freja, you've talked about being trolled on the Internet and its consequences. Freja Ollegard: Yes, Heidi. I believe trolling has a tragic effect on innocent people. Simply Heidi: You have been the victim of horrific degrading attacks, spearheaded by a troll called [puts on her glasses] skankhunt42. Gerald: [watching on his computer, holding a glass of wine] Nice. Freja Ollegard: I've tried to just ignore the trolls, but that only seems to make them attack me more. Simply Heidi: It must be so awful for you to create a Web site for women like yourself who are breat-cancer survivors and these... monsters get on and somehow make light of it. Even going as far as... ridiculing masdectomies. Freja Ollegard: Yes, it's very disgusting, but I still try very hard to believe in the goodness of humanity. [cheers from the studio audience.] Simply Heidi: I can tell you that the support for you on our Web site has been overwhelming. We'd like to share some comments we've received, many from doctors who believe your Web site is saving lives. The first is a comment from a physician in Spain: "You go girl. You are doing great things. Don't let trolling stop you." And that is from Dr. Juerdior Titsgo [Freja is alarmed at the name], in Spain. Gerald: [exults at his coup] He shoots, he scores! [Freja knows she's been trolled again and puts her face in her palm] Simply Heidi: And there's this one: "Believe in yourself and don't listen to the haters. You're an inspiration." That's from Hungarian physician Dr. Cootsier Boobsoff. Audience Member: Oh no... Gerald: HA! [throws an air ball] From the 3-point line! Simply Heidi: I'm sorry, am I missing something? Scene Description: The Broflovski house, day. Police cars are in front and a couple of officers are at the door. Officer Barkley rings the bell Gerald: Oh! Police! [sheepishly] Yes? Officer: Hello, sir, we're conducting an investigation. Gerald: Uh... regarding... uh regarding what? Barkley: Do you happen to know this child? [shows him Cartman's picture from Photo Day] Gerald: [relieved] Hoooh. Sure, that's one of my son's friends. Barkley: Well, I'm afraid he's... quit Twitter. Gerald: Hooo... another one, huh? Barkley: Yeah, but this one's different. The events surrounding his quitting Twitter were very suspicious. Most people that quit Twitter leave at least three paragraphs stating that they're quitting Twitter before they quit Twitter. This child just stopped using it. Gerald: Kyle! [looks up the stairs] Barkley: We're simply trying to gather information on whether this was a Twitter suicide or a Twitter homicide. [Kyle appears at the top of the stairs] Gerald: Kyle, have you seen your friend Eric online? Kyle: [panics a bit] No. Uh, he quit. Barkley: D'ya happen to know why, son? Kyle: He probably got fed up with all the negativity and decided to end it. [shrugs] I don't know. Barkley: Without tweeting a goodbye? People don't just quit social media. They post long drawn-out messages on social media, explaining why they're leaving social media. Gerald: Look, officers, why don't you just go ask him why he quit Twitter? Barkley: At where, sir? At where? Scene Description: Kyle's room, moments later. Kyle runs in and closes the door frantically, then whips out his phone to talk to some people Kyle: Okay, that was the cops! The cops were here! Clyde: The cops? For what? Token: You know for what! You know what we did to Cartman! [he's video-chatting with the other boys on his computer, in several windows] Craig: We did what we had to do. Kyle: But we were wrong! Butters: [under his bed covers] It's not the police we have to worry about, it's Eric. He's gonna get us. Jimmy: Hey. W-we all just have to stay cool, okay? Butters: It doesn't matter. He's comin'. He's comin' to get us. Scene Description: Stan's room. He's not part of the conversation. He sits on his bed looking at selfies of Wendy on his phone. Wendy on her bed reading a book and smiling at the camera. Another selfie of her in the sun. A selfie of her sitting at a counter. A selfie of her at a beach making a victory sign with her right index and middle fingers. A picture of Cartman licking the ass of a life-sized picture of him. That picture has him looking at a phone which has a picture of him looking at a phone... Randy: Stan? [Stan's door is open, so Randy walks in] You can't just stay in your room all day. Stan: What happened, Dad? [Randy walks up to the bed] Everything's upside down. [Randy sits] Everyone's taking sides and splitting into groups. [thoughtfully] Everything sucks. Randy: [rubs the back of his neck] Yeah, everything sucks. [lowers his hand] Everyone's divided. Nobody's getting along. And there's people like your MOTHER who are thinking of voting for a DOUCHE because she doesn't have a BRAIN. Sharon: [off screen] Go to hell, Randy! Randy: I don't know what's wrong with people in this town. More and more are agreeing with your mother. I tried getting on community message boards and swaying people's minds but... it always ends up with some asshole talking about vaginas and photoshopping a dick in my mouth. That's where we're at today. Everything sucks. Scene Description: Clinton campaign headquarters. She and her staff prepare for the debate Aide 1: Here's everything to prepare you for the debates, ma'am. Just try and stay focused no matter what your opponent says. Aide 2: Don't let him rattle you. He's gonna do whatever he can to try and mess with your head. Don't buy into it. Whatever he says, just respond with "My opponent is a liar, and he cannot be trusted." Clinton: Got it. Scene Description: The Presidential Debate Announcer: Decision 2016. The first Presidential debate, with moderator Lester Holt. Lester Holt: Okay, let's get right into it. Our first question is for you, sir. How will you deal with ground troops in Syria? Garrison: Everyone, I need to just speak from the heart here. Uhm, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I've gotta come clean. Uh, I had no idea I would get this far, [Holt looks confused] but the fact of the matter is, I should not be President. Okay? [Clinton's aides watch from a back room] I will fuck this country up beyond repair. [Clinton's aides smile at this admission] I'm a sick, angry little man. Please, if you care at all about the future of our country, vote for her. Okay? She's the one who at least has some experience. She, she's not as bad as you think, I promise. And unlike me, she's actually capable of running this country. Clinton: ...My opponent is a liar and he cannot be trusted. Aide 1: NOOO! Aide 2: Oh my God, she's such a turd sandwich. Clinton: What he is saying is simply not true. Do not... believe it. Garrison: [throws his hands up and then faces Clinton] I am giving you this, lady. I AM GIVING you this! What the fuck are you doing?! [faces the audience again] Okay, look, look, just, vote for her, she... she knows politics. She really wants to put this country first. Clinton: My opponent is a liar- Garrison: Would you just please shut up? Clinton: -And he cannot be- Garrison: Get out of your own way. Clinton: -cannot be trusted. Garrison: [in exasperation] Okay, okay, look. [stands up again] She doesn't mean what she's saying. She just doesn't know how to take this because... it's very weird and her advisers probably t- Clinton: My opponent is a liar and he cannot be trusted. [as she says this, he throws his hands up and turns his back to the camera] Garrison: Fuck, oh fuck, why the fuck does it have to be her? I am so fucked. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Four of the seven boys who destroyed Cartman's electronics are in PC Principal's office. PC Principal: Alright boys, I've had just about enough of playing games. [before him are Kyle, Stan, Butters, and Token] The four of you were good friends with Eric Cartman, and yet none of you seem to know why he left social media. [Butters fidgets a bit] Nobody's got anything to say? Well I have a theory. I think... that Eric Cartman... was somehow forced to leave social media as a retaliation for Heidi Turner quitting social media! Now, because of the actions of one sexist, bogoted, racist troll! [sweeps his hand across his desk and knocks a stack of papers to the floor] Butters: [lets out a] Eeeaaaahhhh! PC Principal: We have a gender war on our hands! Make no mistake, gentlemen! Our community is under attack! And if we don't get to the bottom of it... there's gonna be more students like Eric Cartman... wandering the hallways with no connection to the rest of the world. Scene Description: The school hallways, later. Cartman walks down the hallway dejected. The kids around him are looking at their phones or talking on them as they go about their usual business. Cartman sees Kevin on his phone and sighs, then continues walking. Voice: [gruff whisper] Eric. [he looks up. By some exit doors is Heidi] Cartman: Heidi? Heidi Turner? Heidi: Come with me. Cartman: Where? [she turns and walks off to her left] Scene Description: [The neighborhood streets. Heidi walks, then stops and waits for Cartman]' Heidi: Join us. [points to a park] here. Cartman: The park? Heidi: I know how you feel, Eric. I know how hard it is when school gets out. With no phone, no human contact. Cartman: [begins to cry] I miss my stuff. Heidi: Come on. There are others like us here. [guides him into the park. A car appears and slows down] Driver: Look at them, Martha. Do you see them? Martha: What are they? Driver: Lost souls who have quit Twitter. Damned to just wander the earth and hang out and stuff. Martha: They seem so lonely. [they both look at their phones] Scene Description: Skeeter's Wine Bar, night. The doors open and Randy rushes in Randy: Okay, what?! The fuck?! Is wrong with you people?! I just saw a new poll that says more and more of you are thinking about voting for that douche! Stephen: Some are. A lot of people like what he has to say, alright? Randy: You're tellin' me that after that debate, you still wanna vote for that guy?! Stephen: More than ever. Ryan Valmer: Yyyup. Randy: Did you see the same debate I saw?! Stephen: Don't you get it, Randy? There's people in this country who are sick and tired. Tired of hearing all the rhetoric. Tired of Washington failing us while they pat their own backs. Finally someone comes along and says what he feels. That's why people like him. You can say what you want, at least he doesn't sound like another politician. Scene Description: [Douche 2016 campaign rally at Pepsi Center. Garrison is speaking]' Garrison: America, please listen to me. I have no idea how to be President. I am a complete jackass, and I have made a giant mistake here. [the crowd cheers his honesty, which stuns him] Nononono, nononono, why are you clapping? I'm not a good person for the White House. I am not a good person, period. Man: Finally, someone who doesn't talk like a politician. Garrison: I am peeing my pants... at the thought of being President, okay? [more cheers go up] No! Shut up! Listen to me! [the crowd quiets down] You don't want a guy like me in the White House! You don't even wanna know the shit I've done! Random Person: Wooohooo! Garrison: I have scissored with another woman when I had a sex change! Man 2: He's so honest! Garrison: No, no! I'm not the guy you want going to Russia to negotiate with Putin. I'll probably end up gettin' drunk and tryin' to suck his dick. [more cheering. He turns away from the mic] OHHHH JEEEZ Scene Description: [Ike's room, day. Gerald peeks in and sees him at the computer.]' Gerald: Ike, got a minute? [enters and sits on Ike's bed] Let's talk, buddy. [Ike pauses his game and goes to his bed] You know, the school really wants us to keep talking to our kids about trolling on the Internet and how serious it is. I guess the troll from the school message boards is now harassing a famous Olympic athlete from Denmark, heh. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? Yeah well, she kinda called him out and said he could never get her to quit social media, and you know, you might say she's askin' for it. But uh, now this troll is being copied by other trolls who are all dog piling to see if they can get her to quit and, well God only knows what they're gonna do tonight. Well, goodnight, pal. You be sure to let your mom know we talked more about the horrific consequences of trolling. [steps outside, then leans back and smiles at Ike, then leaves and closes the door] Scene Description: The park, day. Heidi and Cartman are sitting on a bench while a duck stands on the ground before them. Heidi: I want to tell you... that I'm sorry. Cartman: For what? Heidi: When women first started getting trolled on the school message boards. I was sure it was you. I was wrong. Cartman: You weren't the only one. I guess I didn't deserve a second chance. I really tried to make changes. I really tried to become a better person. To sh-show that I was trying to listen. Heidi: So when you held the assembly that woman were just as funny as men, you... you weren't being sarcastic? Cartman: [earnestly] Women are funny, Heidi. Get over it. Every time Amy Schumer talks about her vagina, I lose my fuckin' mind. Heidi: Do you miss your friends? Cartman: I don't have any friends. I don't know if I ever did. Heidi: You do now. [smiles at him] Cartman: Kewl. Scene Description: [Douche 2016 campaign rally at Pepsi Center. Garrison is speaking]' Newt Gingrich: Hello Florida! Please put your hands together and welcome the next President of the United States! [makes way for Mr. Garrison] Garrison: I hate all of you so much. Random Person: Yeah! Garrison: I seriously hold so much contempt for each and every one of you pieces of shit. [cheers] If you vote me in as President I'll seriously throw up and have lost all faith in humanity. [more cheers] Randy: [watching on TV] I agree. Garrison: I don't wanna be here. Please just let me go. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know anything. I'm scared. I'm completely clueless how to proceed. I just... spew bullshit and cry myself to sleep at night. Stop thinking that I'm anything more than a douche in over his head. For fuck's sake, please. Randy: Shit, I'm startin' to really like this guy. Scene Description: Skeeter's Wine Bar, day. CNN Anchor: And after stating that he was not fit to be President, Secretary Clinton responded with "My opponent is a liar and he cannot be trusted." Patron: I am so confused. CNN Anchor: In other news tonight, Danish gold medalist Freja Øllengård is the apparent victim of extreme trolling once again. [Gerald walks into the bar and watches the report] Gerald: Oh. Eh hey, can you turn that up? CNN Anchor: The athlete from Denmark has been the target of relentless online attacks that began with the troll skankhunt42. [Gerald smiles and looks around to see if anyone has figured out it was him who's the troll] Last night the trolling took a vicious turn when Freja Øllengård finally succumbed to the pressure and committed suicide. [Gerald's smile vanishes.] Field Reporter: Paul, Danish women's volleyball champion Freja Øllengård has been pronounced dead outside her apartment in Copenhagen. [there's fear in Gerald's face] The four-time girls' medal winner took her own life after jumping 17 floors off the balcony of her building. [footage is shown of her doing this, with a klieg light focused on her all the way down. She lands on a car and shatters, blood going all over the place. The car's alarm turns on] Paul: Freja Øllengård, dead at the age of 38. [Quickly, Gerald runs to the restroom and into a stall. A patron watches him enter and continues doing so until the scene ends] Gerald: [on the toilet seat] Oh my God! Oh shit! Oh shit oh my God! Oh God oh no-oohh! Scene Description: [The Stotch house. Someone knocks on the door and Stephen goes to answer it.]' Randy: I was wrong, Stephen, I'm votin' for your guy. Stephen: [surprised] What? Randy: It's just... [walks in] I see what you mean. He talks like an ordinary person. And he has a lot of the same emotions I do, you know? He's got my vote. Stephen: Are you out of your fuckin' mind? Randy: [turns around] What? Stephen: You wanna vote for that douche?! He'll ruin this country! Randy: You were just voting for him yesterday! Stephen: Yeah, but not anymore! Randy: What happened?? Stephen: I don't know. Randy: What the hell is wrong with people?! You just don't flip back and forth like that?! Stephen: You just did. Randy: [processes that reply] ...I did. What's going on, Stephen? Why does everything suck this hard? Stephen: I don't know. Nobody knows what to think anymore. Randy: But how did we get here? Completely confused and with shit for choices? It's like... it's like there are other forces at work. Stephen: I'm just tired of thinkin' about it. Come on, let's relax and' have some member berry pie. Randy: [thinks a moment] Member berry pie... [drops the thought] Okay, I love member berries. [follows Stephen to the dining room table] Scene Description: At the table. Randy has served himself a slice of member berry pie. Berries: 'Member Tattooine? 'Member the torture droid? I 'member? Hi, 'member Goonies? I loooved Goonies. 'Member Chunk? 'Member? 'Member the trash compactor? Oh, the trash compactor. Randy: [picks some berries up with a spoon, but stops] Wait a minute... [a camera pans away from the Stotch house into space, then moves east to Europe, then zooms in on Denmark.] Scene Description: Copenhagen, Denmark, at Rosenborg Park. Someone speaks over loudspeakers at Freja Øllengård's funeral outside the cathedral. Troll Hunter: [in a Danish accent] Citizens of Denmark, we are under attack. As our ancestors did in days long ago, we must rise to defend our families. [Freja's casket is slowly brought to the altar outside the cathedral] A troll has come into our village and taken from us a beloved princess. He then returned to his secret hiding place, crawled back to his little cave, thinking the Danes would simply cry and run. [a mourner sobs] No. What this troll doesn't realize is that we have been planning our own attack. I'm announcing here and to the world that a plan to destroy the troll is underway. For in Denmark there is one thing we have known for centuries. To get the troll to come out of hiding, you must say its name. Scene Description: Community park in South Park, day. Heidi sits on the bench alone, waiting. Cartman walks up and sits next to her Heidi: Hey. Cartman: Hey. [long pause] I was thinking again. About how women are just as funny as men. And then I realized... that the only way to really be sure is to see if African-Americans think they're funny. Heidi: Why is that? Cartman: Because, black laughs matter. Heidi: ...Is that a joke? Cartman: Yes, it is. Heidi: I don't get it. Cartman: Yes, you do. [Heidi just looks downward] Heidi, does it ever get any easier? Living in this world? Heidi: The hardest part is not having any followers. I used to go places just to show them where I was. Cartman: You wanna go somewhere? I'll follow you. [Heidi smiles] Scene Description: Hillvale Farm, day. Organic fruits and vegetable. Pick your own! YES! We Have Member Berries! Randy drives in and reaches the farm house, then steps out of the car. Jud: Mornin'. How can I help ya? Randy: Yeah, I have some questions about uh member berries? Jud: Yeah'. Everyone wants member berries these days. [turns left and walks off] Right over heah. [Randy joins him] Don't know what makes them so popular. I've had to get rid of all mah pumpkins, mah onions and mah peppahs, just to make room for more membah berries. [the voices of member berries get louder as they approach the berry grove. There are berries as far as the eye can see.] Randy: Oh my God, there's this many? Berries: 'Member the 80s? Oh, 'member the 90s? Yeah yeah, but 'member the 80s though? Nonono, 'member the 90s? Scene Description: The supermarket, which is not a Whole Foods Market, day. Gerald walks out with his groceries looking at his phone. He approaches his car, which has a note under a windshield wiper. Gerald notices is, takes it from the wiper, and reads it. "Gerald Broflovski." He opens it, and reads the message inside, written in red marker: "I know who you are." Panicked, Gerald looks around and gets paranoid. He gets into his car quickly. Gerald: Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! Protocol Zero. No evidence, clear history. E-mails! delete, delete, delete, erase, erase, trash, trash. [reaches into his glove compartment and pulls out a hammer called "Protocol Zero." He leaves the car with phone and hammer in tow. An elderly woman draw near as he smashes the phone to bits on the roof of his car. Once he's destroyed the phone, he gets into his car and peels out. He rushes home and runs up to his office. He turns on his computer and begins to delete stuff in the Gerald folder he has on there. After that he opens up the computer and pulls out the hard drive. He takes the computer apart, puts it all in a duffel bag and drives to Stark's Pond, where he sets up a portable foot-operated catapult and launches the duffel bag into the pond. He quickly rushes home again and sites next to Sheila on the couch. Sheila just glances at him] Shelia: I saw Nancy Morris today. She has a different hair color. Again. I swear she doesn't think anyone even notices. Her natural hair color must be clear. Gerald: [rushed] Our computer's broke. Shelia: ...What? Gerald: It broke and I had to throw it away. Shelia: I thought if a computer isn't working, you try and get it fixed. Gerald: No now you just throw it away. Shelia: You had all my recipes on that FileMaker program on your computer. Gerald: I'll get us a new computer tomorrow. Then I can see if we can pull your recipes up from Ike's computer, and that way we- Ike's computer! Shit! [runs upstairs] Scene Description: [Ike's room, moments later. Gerald runs in and towards the computer]' Gerald: Move move move! [pushes Ike out of the way and gets to work] My computer is off the network, and, and this computer didn't mirror that computer, but they did share the same Time Machine schedule, so then, would any of my files be accessible? No, because they didn't know each other's IP addresses. What if you can access my e-mail account from this computer through iCloud? If I go to iCloud, my e-mails are deleted. Good. Except there's a new e-mail. [It's from unknown] That shouldn't have come in. Why would an e-mail to me have come in if I deleted everything? [he reads the e-mail. It says the same thing the note did] "I know who you are." [spins around and points at Ike] You? Do you know who I am? Do you know who I am, Ike? Ike: No, but I want to, Dad. Gerald: [thinks of the Biblical sense] Not like that, smartass! [turns back to the computer and works on his account] Delete! Delete the account, not the e-mails! [gets an e-mail: "You have a Google alert!" He clicks OK and reads] "meet me under the freemont bridge. 9 am tomorrow." [panics] Oh God... Scene Description: M burgers, day. Cartman and Heidi are eating lunch there. Heidi: You dip your French fries in the sweet & sour sauce? Cartman: Yeah. It's the best, dude. Try it. Heidi: [tries it and eats] Wow, that's really good. I'm starting to feel like life isn't gonna be so bad. Cartman: Yeah. I think I am too. Heidi, can I ask you something? Heidi: Yeah, of course. Cartman: Do girls... not have balls? Heidi: Girls do not have balls, no Cartman: So when a girl goes to scratch her balls, how does that work? [she wonders why he's asking] I just don't understand what's at the bottom of a vagina. Heidi: [munches on a fry] Do you want me to show you? Cartman: ...Holy shiiit.

Scene Description: The camera runs through the mountains. Narrator: Long ago, in the deep and frozen lands of Scandinavia, there were creatures who wreaked havoc on humanity. [A troll is seen] The Troll. They dwell in rocks, in caves, isolated from civilization. The creatures were ugly, fat and slow-witted, but some could look and behave like human beings. These are the most dangerous. Now, the creatures have returned, this time, a thousand miles across the sea. [Earth is seen as it rotates. It zooms in on America, and an internet troll is seen] Today, the monsters believe they can go undetected, [Different trolls are seen] free to attack and then retreat to the darkness. But in Denmark, we have dealt with the trolls before, and now and now, we shall deal with them... again. Scene Description: The Broflovski living room. Gerald looks at the note, reading 'I know who you are'. Kyle comes up. Kyle: Dad, can I talk to you? Gerald: Sure, Kyle. Kyle: All the girls at school are really mad. It's like, one guy gets online and says terrible things about girls and it reflects badly on all of us. Gerald: Uh huh. Kyle: Everyone's sad, everyone's depressed and nobody knows how to move forward. Gerald: Good. Kyle: I guess what I'm saying is, I'm starting to feel a lot of guilt, just for being a boy. How do I not feel that? Gerald: Sorry Kyle, I have to meet someone. Talk to your mother. [gets off the couch] I love you! [walks away] Scene Description: Butters' bedroom. Butters Skypes with Charlotte while she is in her room. Butters: It's been a rough few weeks, Baby. The girls are still mad about being trolled on the school message board, parents are all freaking out about the election and, and I tell you... you are glad to not be living in this country right now. Charlotte: Butters, I'm sorry, but I told you not to Skype me anymore, right? Butters: [becomes shocked] But Baby, I love you! I need you! You can't break up with me! Charlotte: I have to stand with my girlfriends. Butters: Oh my god, I can't believe they got to you. [starts shouting] Those sneaky snakes in the grass! Charlotte: Who?! Butters: Well you know who, the girls in my school! They all broke up with their boyfriends and now they got you to go along with them! Charlotte: This is a time when women and girls have to stick together. Butters: So then it's true! You're all snakes in the grass! Every [slams the keyboard] last one of you! Charlotte: [ends the call] Butters: Oh Charlotte? [presses on the mouse] Are you there? [presses on the mouse] Honey? Scene Description: Gerald walks under the Freemont Bridge incognito and meets with Dick. Dick blows a puff of smoke at him. Gerald: [takes off his sunglasses] I don't know why you are harassing me. I don't even own a computer. Dick: My name is Dick. Gerald: Are you with the NSA or Homeland Security? Dick: No! I'm a colleague. Gerald: A colleague? Dick: You probably know me as "Dildo Shwaggins". Gerald: Dildo Shwaggins from Pussystores.org?! Dick: We need to talk. Gerald: You're just a troll?! [turns to his left, raises his arms, and looks up] Oh thank god! Dick: We're on the same team, Skankhunt. Gerald: [lowers his hand] Wait, but that means I went "Protocol Zero" for nothing. Oh shit [throws his cup of coffee]! Dick: What's "Protocol Zero"? Gerald: [circles around and then sits] Everything's gone! I destroyed my computers, my phone! [looks at Dick] Why couldn't you just say, "I know who you are. I'm a troll too,"? Why do you have to be so fucking cryptic?! Dick: Us trolls have to be careful. You know that. Gerald: Look, I'm not really a troll, okay? I just started as a Yelp reviewer and got sick of how everyone's stupid comments sounded. I just like messing with people 'cause it was funny. I got carried away! Dick: These are really dangerous times, Skankhunt. There are there are things happening in the world and trolls have to come together. Gerald: For what? Dick: Someone is trying to wipe us out! Our way of life is in danger. Gerald: It's not a way of life! I was just doing it for the LOLs. Dick: That's not true. I've studied your work. You're one of the best trolls I have ever seen. Gerald: [stands up] No, no! I am done with this crap. I thought my wife was going to find out, [grabs his sunglasses] but that was too spooky. [puts on his sunglasses and walks away]. Dick: Gerald, we need each other. The Danish [raises his arms] are planning something horrible against us. Gerald: [stops and faces Dick] I'm not one of you, okay? I just need to stop. [tries to climb up the steep dirt, but falls down]. Scene Description: South Park Elementary School Playground. A group of boys come together and form a semi-circle around Kyle. Kyle: [talks while pacing back and forth] Guys, I've been thinking this over a lot and ... we need to be more active in showing the girls that we respect them. There's a big girl-volleyball game tonight and we should all go and show our support. Stan: You really think that's gonna make a difference? Kyle: I do. We need to show the girls that not all boys aren't the same and that we are willing to change. [stops pacing] Butters: Well why don't you just shut the fuck up, Kyle? [talks while walking] All I've been hearing in a few weeks is how [stops walking]this is our fault, how boys need to change. Well I'm getting pretty sick of it. Everyone else seems to be proud about who they are, but not us; and then we get Uncle Kyle here telling us that the girls are right! Kyle: Butters? Butters: [turns towards and points at him] This is a war [walks from Kyle] on all of us. You want to listen to Uncle Kyle, we'll go ahead. Pretty soon [stops walking, and faces Tweek and Craig] they'll be locking us all up. And don't think you're safe either, Tweek and Craig. Just 'cause you're gay does not mean that you aren't looked down upon for being boys! [turns to his left] The world wants us all to feel shame just because we were all born with [points downwards] wieners! Kyle: Butters, you need to calm down. Butters: No! [walks towards Kyle] We tried doing it your way, Kyle. We tried doing what the girls wanted us to do and where did it get us? Clyde: Nowhere. Butters: [turns around] Right! It turned us against one of our own match, that's what it did! What happened to Eric Cartman is the girl's fault, not ours! Token: That's true! Butters: I'm done feeling guilt. I'm a boy, dang nab it! And you know what? I'm proud of my little wiener. Mark my words, the moment is coming when you all need to decide; are you with your kind, [points at Kyle] or are you with Uncle Kyle. Scene Description: The Broflovski living room. Gerald taps his fingers with boredom on the dinner table. Sheila then checks on her husband. Sheila: Gerald, you've been sitting at the table for three hours now. You okay? Gerald: [stops tapping] I'm great! Totally good. Just sitting down and ... doing nothing. Is there a problem with that? Is there a problem with just wanting to sit and just be? Is that illegal now? Sheila: Not at all, Gerald. I'm sorry. Gerald: I'm totally happy. I'm happy. I don't need to do anything to make me happy, fuck. Sheila: Well! I know you said your computer was broken. So, I went ahead and got you something. [takes out iPad from a bag] Here, it's your own iPad. Gerald: [gets frightened, stands up and tries walking away from Sheila] Ah! Ah ah, ah! No, no! I'm good. Get that away from me. Sheila: [turns to her husband] You don't like it? Gerald: No, sorry! I love it! I'm just swearing off electronics for a little bit. [leans closer to the iPad and speaks softer in a harsh tone] Or maybe I can just get on a couple of message boards. [backs away and speaks normally] No, I'm good! I don't need it! Sheila: Gerald, [walks closer to Gerald] what's going on? Gerald: Nothing, Sheila. I'm fine. [turns so his body faces the table] I'm just trying to make some changes and less electronics is part of it. I'm sorry, Honey. Everything is okay. Promise. Sheila: Okay, Gerald. I'll make us some lunch. [walks to the kitchen] Oh uh, did that guy outside talk to you? Gerald: [faces the front window] What guy outside? [walks towards the window and sees Dick on the other side of the road from his house] What the fuck? [checks on Sheila and then whispers to Dick] Go away, go! [waves his arms sideways] Go! Go away! Go go! Dick: [shows a note to Gerald that says "WE REALLY HAVE TO TALK", then drops the paper to show the other note saying "IT'S IMPORTANT"] Gerald: [whispers quickly, closes the blind and curtains of the window, and then walks away] Scene Description: South Park Elementary gymnasium. A large crowd of people watch the girls volleyball game. Sports Commentator: Welcome students and parents to tonight's matchup between the South Park Cows and the Bona Festa Demons. Kyle: Dude, this is awesome! Did you see how many of the boys I've got to come out tonight?! Stan: Yeah! This is a pretty sweet turnout! Wendy: [smiles at Stan] Kyle: This is exactly what we needed. Thank god people listen to me. Referee: [blows whistle] Sports Commentator: And now please sit, stand, or kneel for the National Anthem. Scene Description: National Anthem plays Butters: [takes off his pants and underwear, pulls his shirt, and raises his fist causing people to be shocked] Jason: Holy crap, dude. Look at Butters. Scene Description: other boys gradually start to follow Butters' actions except for adults, Kyle, and Stan Kyle: Oh [hits his face] no! Scene Description: South Park. Gerald: [walks through town depressed and then quickly dodges a bicyclist] Son a bitch! Ahhh! [walks near the Community Center, reads a sign about addiction problems, and checks the group] Scene Description: South Park Community Center. A group of guys are in a social group hosted by Randy. Randy: Gerald. Hey come on in. You're not alone, bud. We're all facing the same struggles and trying to do something about it. Anyways please continue, Richard. Gerald: [sits on the available chair to the right of Randy] Richard: Well like I was saying, I've been addicted to memberberries for the past two months now. Randy: It's okay, man. You're not alone. Richard: It's just, you know, 'membering is more fun than thinking. I want so bad to go back to when things were good. When I was a kid, you know like, the 80s and the 90s, and things made sense. Randy: And that's how we got here to this very memberberry election. Gerald: What is this?! Randy: What have been your struggles with memberberries, Gerald? Gerald: I, I don't even know what a member-. Berries: [muffled from Michael's pocket] 'Member the Dagobah? Yeah, I remember the Dagobah. That's where Yoda lives. 'Member Yoda?! Oh, I 'member! Randy: [coughs] Michael, are there memberberries in your pocket? Berries: Oh, 'member Corellian Corvette?! I remember Corellian Corvette! Michael: [sqishes the memberberries] Nope! Randy: Anyway, Gerald, what has your experience been? Gerald: I don't even know what memberberries are. Stephen: Gerald, come on. The first step towards healing is admitting you've got a problem. Gerald: Yeah. [stands up and points at Stephen] Well you've got a fat pussy, and you should go and fucking kill yourself! [calms down] Sorry, I think I'm in the wrong place. [walks away] Scene Description: South Park Elementary: Principal's Office. PC Principal talks with Wendy, Bebe, Annie Knitts, and Nichole. PC Principal: Make no mistake! I want to be very upset. However, as a community, we have all decided that people have the right to protest the National Anthem. Wendy: They took their wieners out! PC Principal: [points upwards] Correct! [lowers his arms] But they did so peacefully and without malice towards others. Wendy: This was an attack on us. This is exactly why we sat out the National Anthem in the first place! PC Principal: I want you to understand something, ladies. [positions his hands parallel from each other] I am in a PC Pretzel here because if I say [moves his hands to his right] they can't protest even though [moves his hands to the left of him] you protested [moves his hand back towards the middle] and the only difference is that their protest included physical gestures, then I'm body shaming! Bebe: So you're just gonna let the boys take their wieners out whenever they want? PC Principal: That's what happens when you sit out the National Anthem. Scene Description: South Park Elementary: hallways. Stan and Kyle put their stuff in their lockers. While hearing Butters, they face him in shock. Butters: [speaks through a microphone while rallying a group of boys with their pants pulled out] We walk together in peace! We walk together in peace! We're not poor for feeling ashamed in who we are! We're not gonna feel guilt for the way we were born! Wieners out! Wieners Out boys (except Butters): Wieners out! Butters: Don't let anyone tell you you are somehow nice because you're a boy! Don't let anyone tell you to not think with your wiener, as if your wiener is a bad thing! Wieners Out boys (except Butters): Yeah! Butters: What makes us different makes us beautiful! No more shame, no more doubt, no more bigotry! Wendy: [runs away from the rally] Wieners Out boys (except Butters): Wieners out! Butters: Don't be an Uncle Kyle! Be proud of who you are! Stan: [pulls down his pants and joins the rally] Butters: You are either with us or against us! It's really that simple! Scene Description: The Broflovski master bedroom. Gerald brushes his teeth when he suddenly hears a flute playing. He checks the window and sees Dick playing on a tree branch. Gerald: [whispers] Damn it! [waves his arms away from the window] I live here! Stop that! [shuts the curtains and lies on the bed next to Sheila] Sheila: [stops reading and faces Gerald] You don't have to work tonight? Gerald: No, nothing! Sheila: Wow! I don't remember the last time you were able to get in bed the same time as me. Gerald: Got all caught up with work! Sheila: Hey, I'm not complaining. [closes her book] It feels good to have you here. Gerald: [gets off the bed and runs away] I'm going on a run! Scene Description: South Park. Gerald is going for a run. Gerald: [gets surprised by the car honking at him] Ah! [raises his fist] Fuck you! ["flips" his index fingers] Fuck you! Scene Description: The Broflovski master bedroom at 2:43 a.m. Sheila is sleeping. Gerald: [talks from the master bathroom] Yeah! Sheila: [fully wakes up] Gerald: Screw you, Skank! You fat little bitch! Go kill yourself, whore! Shiela: [gets off bed and walks near the master bathroom]. Gerald: Yeah, fuck you, bitch! Fuck you! [chuckles] Sheila: Gerald? [opens the door, gets scared of the Gerald's creepy face, screams, and runs away] Gerald: [lays iPad in the sink and chases Sheila] Oh, sorry, Hun! Sorry! Scene Description: The Broflovski hallway. Kyle notices Sheila screaming and exits his room. Kyle: Everyone all right, guys? Gerald: Everything's fine, Kyle. Go back to bed. Scene Description: The Broflovski kitchen. Gerald and Sheila sit down on the table to have talk. Sheila: [wipes her eyes with tissue] One night you, you say all of our computer stuff is broken and you, you hide everything and then you show up with all of this new equipment and now this! Please, tell me what's going on! Gerald: Nothing is going on! Sheila: [points at Gerald] You hissed at me! You went [faces to her right, hisses, and then faces back at him]. Gerald: Okay, okay. I'm going to tell you the truth, Sheila. I watch porn on the Internet. I'm sorry. I'll try to stop. Sheila: But I know you watch porn. You told me you watched porn and I told you that I don't care, Gerald. Gerald: Oh yeah! But uh, it's uh, but this is different. Sheila: Why?! Because it's not normal porn? Gerald: Right! Sheila: Like something really embarrassing? Gerald: It's really embarrassing. Sheila: Tell me! Gerald: It's... porn! It's... uh, piss! Porn! Piss porn! Sheila: Piss porn? Like people peeing on each other? Gerald: [stands up] See?! [walks closer to Sheila] It's so embarrassing! No wonder I hid it, right?! [wipes his forehead] Whew! [moves closer to Sheila] I'm sorry! It's good to get it out in the open though. [walks to bed] Sheila: Do you want me to pee on you? Gerald: [stops and turns around] No! Sheila: You only like watching other women pee? Gerald: [walks closer to Sheila] Oh no, no! It's not like that. Sheila: [turns around] Because they're pretty? You have to watch around a video because I'm overweight and old? Gerald: No! I, I, I want you to! I just couldn't ask. Sheila: You do, promise? [faces Gerald] Gerald: [in complete shock] Yes? Scene Description: The Broflovski master bedroom. Gerald lies on the bed with his top off. Romantic music plays as Sheila walks out of the master bathroom and onto the bed over Gerald's head, while wearing a sex outfit and peeing on him. Gerald gnarls moving his head back and forth. Sheila: Am I doing it right, Gerald? Gerald: Yep! [gnarls] Ike: [watches Gerald and Sheila from the hallway] Gerald: So hot, I mean [gnarls] warm! [gnarls some more] Kyle: [walks behind Ike and gets shocked by Gerald and Sheila's actions] Scene Description: South Park Elementary: hallways. Eric Cartman sits on the stairs sewing a necklace and Kyle approaches him. Kyle: Hi, Cartman. Cartman: [looks at Kyle] Hey, Kyle. Kyle: I'm so sorry, what we did to you. This Internet troll has everyone going crazy. We shouldn't have assumed it was you. We shouldn't have broke all of your stuff. Cartman: Cool. That's cool. Kyle: No! I know it's not cool. I know you're figuring out how to get back at us. Cartman: I saw a vagina, Kyle. Kyle: What?! Cartman: I'm not holding a grudge. I'm happier now. I have purpose. Kyle: You saw who's vagina? Cartman: My girlfriend's. She stood six feet away and flashed it really fast. But in that instant, you know what I saw? I saw that humankind can colonize Mars. I saw the potential of our species to terraform other planets and reach the infinite. Kyle: [lays his hand on his forehead] Yeah right, okay. [lowers his hand] I'm being serious, Cartman. Butters needs to be taken down a notch and you're the best at that. Heidi: [overlaps Kyle's last few words and approaches Eric] Eric, hey! I got us both chocolate milks. Cartman: [stands up and talks to Heidi] Of course you did 'cause you're amazing. Look at what I made you. Heidi: The pink and blue one?! Cartman: That's what my baby wanted. Heidi: [raises her arms and cheers] Yay, [lowers her arms] put it on me! Cartman: [puts the necklace on Heidi and faces Kyle] Oh sorry. Heidi, you know Kyle? Heidi: [faces Kyle] Oh yeah. Hey, Kyle. [talks to Eric while they hold hands] The show's on at five tonight if you want to watch it at your house or my house. Cartman: Oh either way, we totally can. I, I guess Kyle has something to talk to us something about first, um. [talks to Kyle] Go ahead, Kyle. Kyle: [in complete shock] The, the school is in trouble and, um our friends are... Cartman: He said something about us working together to take down Butters. Heidi: Why? What's going on, Boo? Cartman: I'm not sure, Boo. [faces Kyle] Could you start from the beginning, Kyle? [faces Heidi] Heidi is amazing at figuring stuff out. Kyle: [pauses in complete shock] Scene Description: South Park park. Gerald sits on a bench and starts gnarling after seeing a dog pee on a tree. Dick sits down next to Gerald. Gerald: It wasn't suppose to be like this. I just thought it was funny making people get wild up. It was just stupid-harmless-lock-room humor, till I made that lady kill herself. Dick: [sighs] You can't deny who you are, Skankhunt. Gerald: [speaks softer and faces Dick] Don't call me that here! Why can't you just go away?! Dick: Because we're all in danger. Didn't you see the video I sent you? Gerald: No! Don't you get it?! I went "Protocol Zero"! I broke my phone, I delete all my email accounts so that nobody can trace me [faces away from the bench] ever again! Dick: They will be able to, [faces Gerald] everyone. You need to see this video, Skankhunt. The whole world is about to change. Scene Description: Sizzler. Kyle sits with Cartman and Heidi next to each other. Cartman: [talks to Kyle] You want to know what's really going on? I'll tell you what's going on. Even though women have made great gains in the last century, there are still a part of men who aren't comfortable with women having power. It really just comes down to that, and then you have social media which allows men to anonymously say horrific things like "Women aren't funny," even though Heidi's like the funniest person I'be ever met. Heidi: Shut up. Cartman: [talks to Heidi] No, it's true. Get over yourself. Kyle: [starts to get bored] Heidi: I don't even try to be funny. Cartman: I know. You don't have to 'cause you're awesome. Kyle: Cartman, will you just help me mess with Butters to stop his little agroclub from getting any bigger? Cartman: [talks to Kyle] Like mess with Butters how? [lifts mug] What do you mean "mess with Butters"? [drinks from mug] Kyle: You know what I mean. Come on! We need the old Cartman back! Cartman: [gets mad] Oh I see! You have a problem with Heidi. Heidi: What? Cartman: You're threatened by her because she actually has interesting things to say and she is funnier than you. Kyle: That's not true at all! Cartman: [talks sarcastically] Oh she's not funnier than you, [speaks with anger] or is she just not funny because she's a girl? Heidi: Babe, stop. I don't think he meant anything by it. Cartman: [talks to Heidi] Sorry, babe. It just really ruffles my feathers. Heidi: [talks to Kyle] Look, Kyle, I think it's great you're trying to patch things up with everyone, but the truth is Eric and I are just kind of out of it now. Cartman: [talks to Kyle] Look, Kyle, we're just out of it now. Heidi: We gave up social media and the ugliness that goes along with it and we're in a better place. Cartman: Humans on Mars. Scene Description: South Park park. Dick and Gerald are sitting together on a bench. Dick: I'm warning you, Skankhunt, [takes out his laptop and types] this video is really gonna rock your world. Gerald: [talks softer] Can you please call me "Gerald"?! Dick: [gives Gerald his laptop] It's very obscure news story from the BBC in England. Hardly anyone has seen it over here. [presses a button and faces away from the bench] This is why we all have to come together, Skank. Scene Description: Internet video is played. BBC reporter: Since the dawn of the Internet, message boards and chat rooms have lit up with people who insight and insult for no apparent reason. They're called [picture of guy with an actual troll behind him is shown] trolls, and a controversial company in Denmark is working to make them a thing of the pass. "The days of trolls hiding behind nicknames and message boards are over!" the Danish claim. [Danish music is played] As a new website, [Troll Trace headquarters is shown] Trolltrace.com will soon be up and running. In less than a month, the servers will become active. Anyone can take any troll comment and send it through the Danish service where a real name and real physical address will be attached. Bedrager: [World spinning with the word "STIMULATION" is shown] Every message, every comment [comment is scan, world stops spinning, and a tracer is shown] ever made by trolls will retroactively be given a tag [troll's true identity is shown] with the author's name, location, and [police barge into the troll's house] whole Internet history. Gerald: [in complete shock] Fffffuuuuuccckkk! Dick: I told you. Scene Description: Interview is shown BBC reporter: And this is the man who has masterminded it all. Bedrager: What this will allow people to do is trace back harmful and hateful postings or emails. You see, the troll hides behind a protective layer if you will that Internet enmity provides. We intend to strip them of that protection so that everyone will know who they are. Scene Description: Gerald wipes his forehead of sweat. BBC reporter: And what about people who will use this to spy on others who aren't trolls? Bedrager: Uh, what do you mean? BBC reporter: Once your servers become active, anyone can trace anything onto the Internet back to whoever wrote it. How do you stop that from happening? Bedrager: Oh oh, right. [coughs and faces the camera] This service is only for tracing the identity of trolls. Thank you. Kom ud trold, komme ud og dø. Scene Description: The video ends. Dick: I Google Translated the last part. He said "Come out troll, come out and die". Gerald: This can't be happening. Dick: By next week, everything everyone has ever done online is going to be available to the public. Gerald: [closes laptop] Then it's over. I'm dead. Dick: [faces Gerald] You're not dead, Skankhunt. There's still hope. Scene Description: South Park Elementary cafeteria. Kyle: [shouts] Everyone, can I have your attention please?! [everyone has his attention] I know the past few weeks have been very difficult, for all of us. I know now more than ever that something has to change. I thought a lot about this the past few days. I've seen a lot of things I never thought I would have see. These are all complex issues we're all having to face, and now that I know that after you break it down, there's really only one answer. [pulls off his pants, holds his shirt, and raises his arm] Scene Description: The girls get upset Boys: Yeah! [one of them says "That's right." as they all gradually pull off their pants] Butters: Good for you, Uncle Kyle! Scene Description: Some of the girls leave while some of the boys lift Kyle up. Scene Description: Secret room. Dick drags Gerald who is wearing a bandana over his eyes. Dick: [takes off the bandana and crumples it in his shirt] Fellow trolls, let me introduce you to Skankhunt42. Scene Description: Ten other trolls are seen in the meeting. Gerald: I'm not necessarily Skankhunt42. Troll #1: It's okay, Skank. You're with your kind. Scene Description: Gerald is in shock and Dick closes the door of the room.

Scene Description: South Park Elementary playground. The boys and girls are yelling at each other as Nelly and Butters are about to fight each other. Jason: Hit her! Random Boy: Hit her, man! Annie: Kick his ass, Nelly! Red: All boys should die! Lola: Take him out! Nelly: I don't care if you're a boy, I'm gonna kick your ass! Butters: [is seen with his pants put down and shirt pulled up] Anytime anywhere, skank. Boys (except Butters): Yeah! Boys (except Butters): Yeah! Nelly: Pull up your stupid pants first. Butters: Why? You're afraid to fight me like a man? Clyde: Kick her ass, Butters. She called you stupid. Wendy: He is stupid! Look at him! Jimmy: At least he's not a zzzzitty-faced ggirl. Boys (expect Butters and Jimmy): Yeah! Cartman: [walks from the girls side of the fight to the in between Nelly and Butters and spreads his arms] Hey hey hey! Whoa, guys! Guys! [crowd stops yelling] Hasn't this gone on long enough? Aren't we tired of being so divided at skewl? Annie: Get out of here, Cartman; nobody's buying it. Red: Yeah, everyone knows you're the worst! Heidi: Hey, leave him alone! [walks from the boys side of the fight to near Cartman] Eric tries to help [spreads her arms] and you call him names?! [talks to Cartman] Sorry, babe, I had to step in. Cartman: It's cool, Baby. Scene Description: [Heidi and Cartman kiss each other and causing the others to be flabbergasted] Wendy: Heidi?! Annie: [faints] Cartman: Heidi has been really hurt by all of this, you guys. And I think it's time for us to all try to come together, as a skewl. Scene Description: Presidential speech break room. Publicist speaks with Garrison. Advisor #1: All right sir [gives Garrison his lines], don't be nervous for your speech; I know we're down a bit in the polls, but there's still a great chance we can win the Swing States. Garrison: There's [flips through pages] still a chance, are you serious?! Publicist #1: Just one thing sir, be a little careful of what you say about women. Uh, seems like that might be losing us some votes. [walks away] Garrison: [puts his hand under his chin] Oh you don't say? Scene Description: A campaign rally, later. "Make America Great Again." Chris Christie is at the podium]'' Chris Christie: Ladies and gentlemen, out country's divided like never before. And we all know that only one man has the guts to say what we're all thinking. Please, welcome the man who with your help will soon be the next President of the United States! [Mr. Garrison comes out to great fanfare and takes the mic.] Crowd Members: Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! [somewhere in there a man shrieks. Garrison lights up a cigarette and starts pacing] Garrison: So I'm standin' in line at the airport, waitin' in security 'cause of all the freakin' Muslims. [cheers and applause] Supporter: Ow! Garrison: And the TSA security people all look like black thugs from the inner city; I'm like "Oh good, you're gonna protect us?" [laughter] Well maybe it's good they're all gang members. At least they can tell the difference between Muslims and Mexicans, 'cause God knows I can't. [applause] You know, I'm standin' there in line and you know what I do? I stick my finger in this chick's asshole, [applause and laughter] and she turns to me and says, "Hey, aren't you that guy that's running for President?" I say Yeah. She says "Why you got your finger in my ass?" I say "I'm just keeping it warm, honey, 'cause that chick next to you is way hotter and I'm gonna stick it in her clam." [the men are clapping, the women just look at him now] Yeah, let's make America great again. No dude wants his finger in some ugly bitch's ass. [the men laugh] You gotta be careful though, it's only about half an inch away, you know, that asshole and that clam, so you gotta be careful. Right dudes? [A woman gets up and makes her way to the aisle] Oh. Oh, where are you goin'? Are you leavin? [the woman turns right to leave the rally] I'm sorry, did I offend you? Where did I lose you, honey? You've been okay with the "fuck everyone to death," all the Muslim and Mexican shit, but fingers in the ass did it for ya? [she reaches the door and exits] Cool, just wanted to see where your line was! [some more women get up, one of them leaves with her husband] Oh yeah, look, I guess some more broads are leavin'. Oh Jeez you were so on board, I can't believe I let that little offensive mark slip. Poor girls. Did you get your feelings hurt after "Fuck all the immigrants" and?" Jeez, I'm sorry. Jeez. Scene Description: Trolltrace.com, day. A camera zooms into it. Lennart Bedrager dances into view. Bedrager: [in a weird accent] Hello. Are you tired of hate speech? Are you sick of sexism and-a bigotry? Then please, help the Danish put an end to trolls. Danes: Tjing tjang tjing nutillej. Bedrager: Right now, the people of Denmark are working on a biometric computer superstructure which will allow people all around the world to identify the trolls in their communities. Danes: Tjing tjang tjing nutillej. Bedrager: But to make this dream into a reality, we still need your donations. We are just a few million kroners away, so please donate via the social media of your choice. Danes: [four windows open and some Danes sing out] Tjing tjang tjing nutillej. Bedrager: Just imagine it, knowing who said what on the Internet. Dane 1: The whole world will be-a peaceful and happy. Dane 2: Like-a here, in Denmark. Dane 3: Help fund our project on social media today! Danes: Together, we will rid the world of trolls. Tjing tjang lu, Tjing tjang lu, Tjing tjang tjing nutillej! Scene Description: The darkened room from last episode. The trolls are gathered there again to plan their next move. Dick: Fellow trolls, we have gathered together because our anonymity is being threatened. Individually, we are some of the most notorious trolls in Colorado. We must now find a way to unite. Each one of us has the power to make message boards go haywire, The power to make individuals buckle and fall. Imagine if we use those skills against a common enemy. Troll #2: They have an entire government at their disposal. Dick: And we... have Skankhunt42. Gerald: [sighs] It's Gerald. Alright? Dick: I believe that he... is the key to stopping all this. Scene Description: South Park Elementary Gym, day. PC Principal is holding an assembly PC Principal: Alright everyone, listen up. This school is falling apart, and it needs to stop. Boys are harassing girls, and girls are stereotyping boys as- Not now, Mr. Stotch! Put it away! Butters: [with his pants down and dick out] Well okay. [pulls his pants back up.] PC Principal: Now I've asked for some ideas and a couple of students wanna try and help. Please welcome Heidi and Eric. [they come up wearing matching shirts: "COME TOGETHER as a school"] Cartman: Hey you guys? Heidi: What's up? [the other kids stay silent] Cartman: Guys, we have a lot of problems facing our skewl. I don't know if many of you know Heidi but she's really smart and really funny. Heidi: Eheh, stop, Eric. Cartman: You are. And she's come up with a pretty cool idea. Tell 'em, baby. Heidi: Thanks, babe. I don't know if you guys have heard, but right now, Denmark is trying to make trolling a thing of the past. They're asking for help, and I thought "why not a school fundraiser?" Cartman: Yeah, but the way you said it was actually way funnier, remember? Heidi: What? How did I say it? [from here their voices get softer and softer until they're whispering to each other] Cartman: Remember, you were like "Oh, what if we had a fundraiser?" in uh, what was it? [they hold hands] Remember, you- it was like uh- Heidi: When was this? Were we at Denny's? Cartman: Yeah, we were having uhh, that dessert thing. What was that, that-? Heidi: [giggling] Oh, and you kept spilling it and everything? Cartman: Yeah, yeah, remember? Remember that there was that, that guy that had that, what was it Heidi: He had that weird haircut and you kept saying that it looked like he had a dick on his head. Cartman: Yeah yeah yeah, that's when you said that- don't let anybody- [they get lost in the moment for a few seconds whispering to each other. The other kids lean forward trying to understand what they're discussing. Cartman notices, then] Oh hey guys. Wha-what's up? Oh right. A school fundraiser. Tomorrow, we'll be going to each individual class with more information. And after that... Heidi: Then we should all come together [mimicking Cartman] as a skewl. [Cartman giggles and sighs happily. Bebe throws up involuntarily] Scene Description: Campaign headquarters. Garrison's advisers are exasperated after his disastrous rally. Caitlyn is polishing her nails Advisor #1: Sir, what were you thinking? We said to be careful how you talked about women. Garrison: [satisfied with himself] Yeah I don't know, I guess I just kind of screwed the pooch on that one. [checks for any Pabst Blue Ribbon cans with beer left in them] Chris Christie: We are way down in the polls. I don't know how we recover from this. Garrison: Oh really? Jeez that's too bad. [dusts off his pants and checks his shoes] Chris Christie: A lot of us have staked our lives on backing you! You can't just go bonkers like this! Garrison: Hey, sorry. I didn't realize women were racists. Advisor 2: You have... millions of supporters who are looking to you to lead! They're gonna wanna know what you're gonna do about this! Garrison: I mean, I don't know. Nothin'. Whatever. Chris Christie: You wanna tell them that? They're outside. [Garrison is horrified.] Scene Description: Campaign headquarters, outside. a crowd of people wait to hear from Garrison. He cracks the door open and looks out Supporter 1: What's goin' on?! Supporter 2: What are ya doin?! Garrison: [steps outside] Oh, uh hey everybody. Uh, looks like we're tanking in the polls, but you know what? It's fixed. I was never gonna win in the first place. I knew it from the beginning. And on November 8th, when I lose, I'll be able to say "I told you so!" [grins. The crowd is not amused.] Supporter 2: This son of a bitch pulled a fast one on us! Supporter 3: It's like he's not even trying! Garrison: Oh no, I'm I'm trying. I just- Supporter 2: Get him! Garrison: Shiiit! [he runs off, and the crowd gives chase] Ohhh Jeeez! [people in the crowd come armed with shovels, pitchforks, bats, axes, knives, guns... One person even has a chainsaw he has trouble starting up.] Supporters: Kill him! Tear his head off! Don't let him get away! Supporter 4: [ginally gets that chainsaw going] Yeah haw! Scene Description: The Airport Hilton. A concierge walks the hallways, humming to himself, and stops by a private conference: "Rape Victims Anonymous" Andrew: [knocks on the door] Anonymous821: What do you want? Go away. Andrew: Hey, just checking to see if you needed any more refreshments for the conference room? Anyomous821: We're fine. We don't need anything. A Troll: [within the room] Some more creamer? Anonymous821: Just some more creamer. Andrew: Alright, well, I just wanna say "thanks for choosing the-" [the troll shuts the door] Anonymous821: Okay, we're clear again. Dick: You were saying, Skankhunt? Gerald: Alright, look. How do you troll somebody? Troll 4: Say really fucked up shit and make them quit social media? Gerald: No, no, no, it's not about one person. It's about pushing people's buttons so that they'll react in a way that pushes other people's buttons. Look, you don't just troll a woman with cancer to get a reaction from her, it's all about the group of people that are gonna come to her defense. They're gonna be so self-righteous that another group of people will eventually find those people totally annoying. You're just setting them against each other. It's like the fission reaction that sets off the fusion explosion. The Internet does it all, and you just sit back with your glass of wine and laugh. Anonymous821: Wow... that seems kind of... mean. Gerald: It's not mean if it's hilarious. Dick: If we all worked with you, Skank, could we do it? Could we troll an entire country? Gerald: If we all worked together? Maybe. [makes a fist with his left hand] Maybe. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Mrs. Nelson has a lesson on mammals on the board, but Heidi is talking to the class about something else. Heidi: Hey guys. Today we're gonna start our school fundraiser. It's an idea I came up with called "Danishes for Denmark." Cartman: [almost whispering] It's awesome. You're doing awesome. Heidi: We need everyone to do their part, so later on in the cafeteria, we are all gonna need to- [the classroom door opens and Heidi looks to see who opened it. Mr. Garrison rushes in and gets to work immediately] Garrison: [frantic] Okay children, let's take our seats! Let's uh, get back to our lessons on grammar, shall we? Stan: Mr. Garrison? Garrison: Okay, does anybody, uh, remember where we left off? No? Alright, uh, who can tell me what an adjective is? [to Mrs. Nelson] You can go now, I'm back. [to the class] Who can t-who can tell me what an adjective is? Token: Uh, aren't you running for President? Garrison: Adjectives usually come before what? They come before nouns, that's right. Chris Christie: [clears his throat] Mr. Garrison, you can't just act like nothing happened! You're spiraling out of control, and you have to answer to the people! Garrison: I don't know what you're talking about! I am a teacher! [back to the board] Okay, adjectives describe nouns, and there are several types of them- Chris Christie: Mr. Garrison. Garrison: What are some examples of adjectives you can give me for this sentence? Anybody? [writes "Jack threw the ball." on the board.] Chris Christie: You sold people a line, Mr. Garrison, and you have to make good on it! Garrison: The yellow ball. That's a good one. Or we can say "the slippery ball," can't we? Chris Christie: Come on. [his advisers come in.] Garrison: What else about the ball? No, please! [The advisers gather around him and carry him off] What else can we say about the ball, children? No, please! Leave me alone! Butters: The bouncy ball? Garrison: [grabs a chalk stick and scratches it against the blackboard] No! No, I'm not going back! Please! They're gonna kill me, children! Please! Help me, children! Help me! [Chris Christie shuts the door] Scene Description: [The Broflovski house, day. Gerald and Dick arrive and go inside. They carry with them keyboards, computers, cables...]' Gerald: Okay, come on. Office is upstairs. [they run into Sheila] Oh, hi honey. Sheila: Gerald, you're back from your convention? Gerald: Yeah, it went really well. This is uh, my IT guy. Gonna help me get my office computers set back up. Sheila: Well, can I make you guys somethin' to eat? Gerald: Don't worry about us, hon. Lots of work to do. Love you so much! [he and Dick go on upstairs.] Ike, no Internet tonight. We need all the bandwidth we can get. Say hi to Dildo Shwaggins. Dick: Hello. [Gerald closes the door] Scene Description: [Gerald's home office. Gerald and Dick sit on the floor putting the computers back in place.]' Dick: I gotta hand it to you, Gerald. You have a really nice home, nice family. Gerald: Yeah? Well now you see I have a lot to lose if they find out who I am. Dick: And who is that? Gerald: What? Dick: I've studied your work. You're so good at lashing out at the system. Bringing people down off their high horses. Why do you do it? Gerald: I told you, it's just funny to me. I do it for the lulz. Dick: I don't believe that. I think there's more to Skankhunt. When I was in school, kids teased me. Called me "midget," even though I'm not. My mother was a little person, but she actually married a guy who had gigantism syndrome. She thought, if she was a little person and had a baby with a giant, I would come out normal. [Gerald stifles a laugh] We can't let these Danish pricks take our online lives, Skank. For some of us... it's all we have. Scene Description: The school cafeteria, day. A banner over the kitchen entrance reads "SCHOOL FUNDRAISER. LET'S ALL WORK TOGETHER." All the kids are making Danishes and PC Principal supervises it all. Heidi and Cartman: Let's come together as a skewl. Cartman: We can work together hand in hand to make the whole world understand that Heidi and Cartman: We came together as a skewl. Cartman: Put our difference aside, feeling hope now feeling pride. No more fighting, it's time for something new. Heidi and Cartman: Let's come together as a skewl. Scene Description: During the song, the following things are seen: Two kids come up to get some trays with freshly backed Danishes on them, two other kids hand them the trays. Stan, Wendy, and Millie spread frosting on the Danishes. Butters and Nelly do the same at another table. Red passes by. Nichole and Token prepare the batter, as do Tweek and a girl. Clyde and Bebe pack the Danishes up and hand them to Nelly, then move on to the next box. By the time the song ends, the kids look tired. Annie, Kyle, Kevin, and another girl are putting frosting on their Danishes. Heidi: I really feel like this is the start of something new! We're gonna help Denmark, and Denmark is gonna put an end to trolls. Cartman: And then maybe everyone can finally be as happy as we are. Heidi and Cartman: Let's come together as a skewl. Cartman: Terraform Mars. Scene Description: Shi Tpa Town, day. Mr. Garrison rans past City Wok Garrison: Oooooohhh. [stops to catch his breath, then sees his advisers and runs again] Oohh! Adviser: He went this way! Chris Christie: Get back here! You're acting like an idiot! [Behind the advisers is the crowd of supporters with their weapons] Supporters: Get him! String him up! We put our faith in you, asshole! Scene Description: The trolls are in their own homes now. Dick: Test test 1 2. This is Dildo Shwaggins. We are ready to commence the trashing of Denmark. All trolls report in. PurpleheadedQueeflicker: PurpleheadedQueeflicker standing by. Che Gamorrah: [voice over] Che Gamorrah standing by. MLKKK: MLKKK and I'm ready. Anonymous821: Anonymous821 signed in to multiple accounts and standing by. URFATANDDUM: [voice over] URFATANDDUM standing by. SuperSexyLisa18: SuperSexyLisa18 standing by. YourMomsTits: [voice over] YourMomsTits standing by. Gerald: Skankhunt42 standing by. Dick: Okay. everyone follow Skankhunt's lead. Don't get distracted, we are only trolling Denmark. Gerald: Alright, engaging Twitter... now! Prepare for overreaction on my mark. 3... 2... Mark. Scene Description: South Park, day. Sleet falls to the ground as the wind howls through town. Thunder rolls by. Garrison, dripping wet from the sleet, finds a door and steps inside - it's the South Park Community Center. He sees the members of Member Berries Anonymous seated around a circle, with an empty chair waiting for the random walk-in. Garrison's spray tan is washing off. Randy: Hey, Mr. Garrison. Come on in, bud. Have a seat, you're not alone. Garrison: You, you're not gonna try and lynch me too? Randy: No lynchings here, little cowboy. Take a seat. [Garrison takes the seat] You wanna share with us what you're goin' through? Garrison: [crying softly] It's all my fault. I just wanted to get rid of all the immigrants, you know? [takes out a napkin and blows his nose with it] I just- I thought we could fuck them all to death, and everyone started listening to me. Next thing I know I actually get the nomination from the Republicans! Randy: It's not your fault, little guy. Garrison: It is my fault! I told people I could make the country great again, but I didn't have a plan! Randy: Not your fault. Garrison: I got caught up in people cheerin' for me, bein' in the media every day. I, I led this entire election down the shitter. Randy: You've gotta stop blaming yourself. Garrison: Well then, whose fault is it?! Randy: Here, catch. [tosses a member berry at him] Member Berry: Member Lando Calrissian? Member tauntauns? Member? Member feeling safe? Garrison: What the fuck is this? Randy: That... is why millions of Americans want you to be President. But there's more... Scene Description: The Broflovski house. Gerald is in bed, sleeping. Dick knocks on his bedroom door and Gerald wakes up. He checks for Sheila, but she's not in bed. He gets up to answer the door, and Dick shows him the latest headline: DENMARK IN TURMOIL! Dick: It's started! [smiles. Gerald smiles back, then grins.] Scene Description: The living room. Gerald and Dick run down to the sofa and take seats Gerald: Did they pick it up on Yahoo? Dick: Don't know, but Google has it as the number one story. Gerald: Oh, shit! Go to, go to Huffington! Bill Keegan: Millions of people took to the Internet last night after shocking claims were made about the Danish company LEGO and their ties to ISIS. Gerald: Oh yes! This is CNN front page right now. CNN Anchor: It now appears the country of Denmark was the victim of a massive troll. The country is still reeling from the LEGO hoax story. Bill Keegan: Tom, by the time the hoax was revealed the damage had already been done. Millions of people got on the anti-Denmark bandwagon, and when millions more came in to support Denmark, hundreds of millions more got on the anti-Denmark bandwagon. Dick: We did it! We did it! [Kyle appears at the top of the stairs] Gerald: Oh, Kyle! Ahh, hey, I didn't think you'd be leaving yet. Kyle: I have a fundraiser at school. Gerald: Well, did you see what was all over the Internet? Everyone's ripping on LEGOs. Kyle: What? Gerald: Yeah, now the whole world is blowing up with Danish jokes. It's hilarious. Dick: The Guardian has a bunch of stories up about how the Denmark government isn't responding to even interview requests. Gerald: Wow, fuck Denmark, huh Kyle? That's gotta be what just about everyone is thinking now. Fuck Denmark. [Dick grins] Scene Description: Trolltrace.com, day. Its executives run inside the building for an emergency meeting. Dane 2: Sir, public opinion of Denmark is-a very very shit. Dane 3: All our social media pages are-a filled with million and millions of-a horrible comments. Dane 4: And our crowd-funding sites are taken over too. Dane 5: Everyone is making fun of us like we were goofballs. Dane 6: How could-a this-a happen? Lennart: Because that's what trolls DO! I should have known that once they got wind of our little plan, they would start trolling us! Dane 7: So then Denmark isn't funding ISIS? Lennart: Of course not! Dane 1: But-a how do we prove that to the rest of-a the world? Lennart: We can't respond, it will only make the trolls stronger! Our only choice is to go offline Dane 5: You mean we have to quit Twitter? Lennart: Everything, you ignoramus! The only way to stop the bleeding is for Denmark to get off social media! Pokkers Du Trold! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. In front of the school, the kids have set up their Danishes for Denmark stand. Some of the kids are dressed in what appears to be Danish outfits]'' Heidi: Hello. [a car rolls by] Buy a Danish to help stop trolling? How come nobody's stopping? Maybe this was a terrible idea. Cartman: It was a great idea. [spots another car driving by] Hey! Hey, buy a Danish for Denmark? Driver: Heheh, fuck Denmark Butters: [runs up with his boxes and throws then down] That's it! I am through with your stupid crap! Every house I've been to just rips on me and and says Denmark is stupid! Cartman: What? Kyle: [arriving] It's true. Denmark got trolled last night. They left social media. Heidi: Then, all of this was... for nothing. Butters: I told you fellas! This is what you get for working with a bunch of stupid girls! Wendy: How is this our fault?! At least we actually did the work! Clyde: Oh yeah? You guys fucked up all the frosting! Annie: You assholes overcooked them! [the kids begin to argue with each other] Heidi: Oh no! This was a terrible idea! [leaves the booth] Cartman: Heidi! [follows her] Scene Description: [the side of the school, moments later. Heidi reaches a tree and sobs on it a little. Cartman catches up to her]' Heidi: I'm so stupid! Cartman: Don't say that. Heidi: Why did I even think I could bring the boys and girls together again? Cartman: Because you're smart and funny, that's why. It was a great idea, Heidi. [puts his hand on her shoulder] I think that somehow... trolling is playing a bigger part in this than anyone even realizes. Scene Description: The member berry anonymous meeting. Mr. Garrison is still there Randy: Every great empire reaches a point where going backward can seem more appealing than forward. When the world is changing so fast it makes us yearn for the old ways, when life seemed simpler. But it doesn't mean those old ideas are good for us now. We have to face one hard reality as a country. [stands by an easel with a Star Wars poster on it] The new Star Wars was not as good as everyone thought it was. It may seem fun to go back and recycle the past we loved, but we end up with no sustenance. Garrison: I thought you were gonna explain why people want a guy like me to be President. Randy: Well, that's important too, I guess, but, it's just a symptom of the same thing. See, when a civilization has become so big it starts to get lazy, then that's [removes the Star Wars poster to reveal a picture of a member berry orchard] when you get member berries. They're noting new. They date back all the way to the Roman Empire. [shows a painting of a woman giving her lover some member berries.] Once too many Romans ate the member berries there was no more growth. They rested on their laurels just eating and 'membering all the good stuff. Garrison: I think those are just grapes. Randy: Thought so too till I zoomed in. [removes the painting to show a closeup of just the berries] Member Berries: Member? Randy: You see, we all wanna go back to when we were kids. Simple ideas like a big man to protect us, keep us safe. Instead of a fresh new Star Wars we want the old, just recycled and plopped in our tummies. Garrison: You almost make it sound like J.J. Abrams is responsible for this entire election. Randy: Does this look familiar? [removes the closeup to show J.J. Abrams wearing a cap on which is written "MAKE STAR WARS GREAT AGAIN."] Garrison: [takes a good look at the picture, then stands up] Ohh Jeeez. Scene Description: Trolltrace.com. Lennart Bedrager sits in the conference room alone Dane 2: Sir! We got a message from overseas. You really should see it. Lennart: A message how? We're completely offline. Dane 2: This was sent on VHS. Whoever sent it is-a completely offline too. Lennart: Put it on the screen. [a video pops up with Cartman and Heidi on it.] Cartman: People of Denmark, we know that you've been the victim of trolling. So have we. Maybe we can help. I'm not sure if you know my girlfriend Heidi but... She's really smart and really funny. Heidi: Stop baby, no I'm not. Cartman: [whispers] You are, babe. Stop it. Lennart: Who the hell are these people? Dane 2: Just listen. Cartman: [whispers] Go on, babe, just tell them. Tell them. Heidi: I have an idea. I might be able to figure out the source of who trolled you last night. Lennart: Get everyone back inside. If this girl really is that smart and funny, we might have another shot here. [the other Dane goes away]

Scene Description: Mars in Cartman's fantasy. Cartman: [jumps] Whee! [waves at someone far away] Hi! [looks at a human city] So cool! [leaps towards the city] Unnamed characters 1 and 2: [wave at Cartman] Hi! Unnamed character 3: [waves at Cartman] Hi! Cartman: Hi! [stops and sees a roller coaster] Dude, Mars rules. [leaps to the roller coaster] Mars rules! Scene Description: M Burger. Cartman is smiling while on a date with Heidi. Heidi: What are you thinking about, Babe? Cartman: Just thinking about how much we could accomplish if... people weren't so close-minded. Heidi: You're worried about him again, aren't you? Your friend, Kyle? Cartman: [sighs] He's not a bad person, Heidi. Heidi: Then talk to him babe. Tell him what we're doing. Maybe you can get him back. Cartman: You're right. You're right, Heidi. Scene Description: The Broflovski residence. Gerald is at his office trolling people. Gerald: [repeatedly clicks on keyboard and talks softly] Ha ha, yeah. I'm yours, bitch. Ha ha. [speaks louder]. Suck it! [moves the mouse] How about a dick in your mouth?! There you go! Ha ha, ha ha ha ha. [notices the door bell ringing] Aw! [walks to the front door, and opens it] Trolls: Hi Skankhunt! Gerald: [gets shocked] Ah! [tries looking behind him] What are you guys doing here?! Dick: We came to celebrate! PurpleheadedQueeflicker: Not everyday you troll a whole country. Anonymous821: [showed a case of John Adams beer] We brought some beer. Let's have a trolling party. Scene Description: The trolls have sat down and laughed each other PurpleheadedQueeflicker: We did it! Dick: I think if anything, we proved that trolls really can have an effect on the world. Trolls: Yeah! Yeah! Troll 7: You said it! SupersexyLisa18: Thanks to us! Dick: And I think on the next one, [raises his beer] we're only gonna get better. Troll 4: No doubt about it. Gerald: Wh-what are you talking about "next one"? Dick: Skankhunt, we got an entire country to sign off social media and... stop what they were doing. Imagine what effect we can have on the rest of the world? Anonymous821: We're like super-trolls who could change anything. Gerald: [leans to Dick] Can I talk to you for a second? Scene Description: Gerald and Dick walk to the kitchen Gerald: Why did you bring them here?! Dick: What do you mean? We're all on a team, Skankhunt. Gerald: That was a one-time deal so nobody would find out who we are! Dick: But you saw what we did when we worked together? Just think what we could do to like the Presidential Election. Gerald: The election?! I don't give a shit about the election! You don't troll to be political! Dick: Of course it's political! Gerald: No, I just do it to laugh, like I did when I was a kid! Don't you just remember being a kid and calling someone a fag for no reason?! Dick: I remember being called a fag for no reason. Gerald: Right! Like it was just fun, right?! Getting political doesn't do anything for me. I just like remembering when I was a kid. That's it. You need to get those people to go and then you need to go. Dick: Okay. [puts down his beer mug] Sure, Skankhunt. Whatever you say. [walks away] Scene Description: Marsh kitchen. Garrison: Presidential election is only two weeks away. We have to [lifts a bag of memberberries talking] destroy these things. Jar Berries: 'Member the Bi-wing fighters? 'Member the Service Droids? I 'member. Randy: [setting up experiment] That's much easier said than done. They're resistent to just about everything I tried. Experiment Berry: 'Member, 'member Mos Eisley? 'Member the Rancor, 'member? 'Member sand people? 'Member the Cantina? 'Member- [gets torched by Randy and screams] My eyes! Jar Berries: What's going on now? They're using a torch on him. Oh, are they gonna use a torch on us?! Experiment Berry: Ah, Aaaaah! [stops getting torched] 'Member Bespin? 'Member Wedge? I loved Wedge. 'Member? Randy: Uh, there has to be something. Garrison: Try the acid. Experiment Berry: 'Member Mon Mothma? 'Member the rebel transports? [screams while acid is poured on him] Jar Berries: They're trying to destroy us. They are?! Our whole species?! They can't do that?! Yeah they can! 'Member the Death Star blowing up Alderaan? Oo, Alderaan, I 'member. Experiment Berry: [keeps on screaming until Randy runs out of acid] 'Member the Cloud City? 'Member IG-88, the bounty hunter droid? 'member, that was fanta'tic. Randy: Damn it! [takes off flashlight] These things are impossible to get rid of. Scene Description: Broflovski bathroom. Kyle sits on the toilet, using his phone and then hears a knock from the other side of the door]'' Kyle: [tilts head up] Yeah. Cartman: [opens the door halfway and leans] Hey, Broship. You got a minute? Kyle: Oh, what do you want now?! Cartman: Just a second. Please, Kyle? Kyle: Hurry up! Cartman: Okay, [walks with Heidi in the bathroom] come on, Baby. Kyle: Ah! Dude, what the fuck? Cartman: Kyle Kyle, I know you haven't had a serious girlfriend, but you've stop caring about seeing each other in the bathroom. Kyle: I'm going to the bathroom! Heidi: Eric really cares about you, Kyle. He feels like he's losing you and he's really upset. Kyle: Why? Cartman: [walks away from the toilet] I remember not that long ago, Kyle, when you told me in this very room I believe, that you were going to prove who the troll was no matter what. Do you remember that, Kyle? Where's that Kyle? Kyle: [looks down] I have to stay with my group, Cartman. Cartman: [walks to the sink] No no, I know. Being in groups is great; you get to gang [opens sink draw and grabs Lysol spray] up and smash people's stuff, pull up your wiener in the cafeteria. [sprays Lysol at Kyle and walks near Heidi] I wonder what the old Kyle say about this Kyle. I wonder if old Kyle would be pretty disgusted right now by who he's become. Heidi's been working with Denmark now, Kyle. I want to show you what she's done. It's gonna change the way you think. Scene Description: Gerald's office. Gerald keeps on trolling. Gerald: Ha ha ha. ha. You stupid bitch. God. Fuck you! Nobody cares about your fat, little- [sees FaceTime call from Dick] Ah. Oh no, not again! [accepts his call] Yes? Dick: Hey, Skankhunt, it's Dildo Shwaggins. Gerald: I told you to stop FaceTiming me while I'm on the computer. It's very distracting. Dick: Well you haven't been answering my calls, so I know this is the only way I can only talk to my buddy. Gerald: I'm trying to just use the Internet! People should be able to use the Internet without being harassed. Dick: [sighs] Oh, alright. Look, [grabs his guitar] I wrote a song about our friendship. Can I just play it for you? Gerald: No! Dick: [sings badly while strumming his guitar] Two lone wolves on the plains of darkness. The Valkyrie flies from the wailing clouds. The last of the- Gerald: [ends the call] Bye! Jesus, what is wrong with people?! [drinks wine] Huh. [keeps typing] Nobody cares about your fat sister with Lyme Disease, skank. Scene Description: Turner residence. Cartman, Heidi, and Kyle walk near Heidi's room. Heide blocks the door before they go in. Heidi: '[To Kyle.]' This is gonna seem a little weird to you, okay? Kyle: What is? Heidi: Before I quit Twitter and threw my phone away, I was trying to prove who our school message board troll was. Cartman: Like you said what you would do, Kyle, except she actually meant it. Heidi: Before I stopped searching, I learned something. [opens her door] Take a look. Scene Description: Cartman, Heidi, and Kyle enter Heidi's room. Kyle walks closer to Heidi's wall to his shock Kyle: What is all this? Heidi: To try and prove who the troll was, I started to for patterns in how students used emojis; then I crossed-referenced that with the troll's writing. I call it "emoji analysis". People can hide behind a fake name, but the way they use emojis gives them away. Kyle: Wow, that's pretty smart. Cartman: She's funny too, Kyle. Heidi: After I had eliminated nearly every student, I have started to realize that the troll's emojis were more archaic and less elegant than the average kid's. That's when I realized it; whoever Skankhunt42 is on the school message boards, it isn't a student, it's an adult. Kyle: You mean like one of the teachers? Heidi: I think... it's one of the parents. Kyle: Are you sure? Heidi: I had enough examples of the teachers' texts and emails to do an emoji analysis, they were much more in lines with Skankhunt's, but still not a match. Kyle: Emoji analysis, it's genius! Cartman: You're not giving her credit for being hilarious. Scene Description: Denmark. People are living their usual lives while some mourn at Freja Ollegard's grave. The setting moves to TrollTrace Headquarters. Danes: [sing] En junker red ved juletid Tjing tjang tjing nutillej Omkring ham dalet sneen hvid Tjing tjang tjing nutillej Han stred sig frem i regn og blæst Med et der segnede hans hest Tjing tjang lu Tjing tjang lu Tjing tjang tjing nutillej [stop singing] Dane 8: [runs towards Bedrager] Sir, take a look at the [shows Bedrager analysis] statistical analysis. The servers are working. Bedrager: So then we don't need any more funding? Dane 9: [walks to Bedrager] No, sir. Using Heidi's emoji analysis, we have the final piece of the puzzle. Dane 5: So far we have narrowed down the location of the troll attack on Denmark. [walks to map of the U.S. with state of Colorado highlighted] It is a location in the middle of the United States: a place they call "Colorido". Bedrager: Colorido? That's a very goofy name. Dane 5: We believe that very soon the servers will give us the place in Colorido that the troll originated. Bedrager: [walks closer to map] Hmm hmm. Go on and hide in your cave, little troll. Soon, everyone will know where you live. Scene Description: Marsh kitchen. Randy gazes the berry with electricity while its in pain. Randy: [stops putting in electricity] Damn it! [takes off flashlight] Nothing kills these things! Garrison: We have to keep trying. [walks to the jar and grabs it] Where did they go? Randy: They're not in the jar? [turns around] That's it. Look, it's over. Garrison: No, I'll go find more. [leaves kitchen] Randy: [follows Garrison] It's over! Don't you get it?! [walks closer to Garrison] Even if we've found a way to eradicate them now, we don't have time to implement it nation-wide. Garrison: Then how do we stop them from getting me elected President? Randy: [walks away from Garrison] There's no other choice, Mr. Garrison. [stops walking] The American people have to be made to understand what's going on here. [turns around] You're gonna have to talk to them. Garrison: [raises his hands near his head] No, no! I am done giving political speeches: I've tried being dirty, I tried being vulgar. [spreads his arm a little] Nothing matters! Randy: [walks closer to Garrison] For the first time ever, [stops walking] you're gonna have to speak from the heart: not make it about you. Garrison: Well that's just impossible. Randy: You know what these things are capable of. Even if you lose the election, another one like you is gonna rise up and take your place. J.J. Abrams is seeing to that. Garrison: [lays his hand on his face] Don't you get it, Randy? I'm not a politician. I never was. Randy: All I know is that for the future of our country, you're gonna have to give one last speech: the speech that everyone needs to hear, a speech where you finally just talk like a normal human being. Garrison: Oooh geeeeez! Scene Description: Kyle's room, day. Kyle is at his desk working on math problems. His door is open and Cartman walks in. Cartman: Hey man, can we have a quick chin wiggle? Look, the other day when you said Heidi wasn't funny, that was pretty lame, man. Kyle: She wasn't being funny. Cartman: Oh my God, will you let it go?! Why do you have to have this hangup against women?! Kyle: I don't! Cartman: You do, Kyle! You have to think about the things you say! They matter! [turns to leave] Kyle: Cartman, [leaves his chair] I did some research on the Danish Web site you've been helping out. You do realize that once TrollTrace is online, anybody can use it on anyone, right? Cartman: Yeah, to catch trolls. Kyle: So somebody, like Heidi, could use it to see your entire Internet history. Everything you ever said and did on the Internet, even before you were together. Cartman: [a look of fear crosses his face] Well, Heidi doesn't actually use the Internet. We've sworn off that stuff, so it's kewl. Kyle: Right, but somebody, like me, could look up your entire Internet history, print it out, and give it to Heidi. I would imagine there's some things you've done or said on the Internet you wouldn't want Heidi to know about. Cartman: [thinks for a moment] ...Uh oh. [the recent past flashes through his mind, stopping off at the moment he saw Heidi's vagina in his room with the lights out, then moving on to the day he saw Ghostbusters] Scene Description: The Bijou, day. Cartman and his mom leave the theater Liane: Did you like the movie, hon? Cartman: No, it sucked! I'm gonna send Butters an e-mail right now. [whips out his phone and types] "Dude, don't bother with new Ghostbusters. Totally not funny. Chicks ruined it." [puts the phone away] Can we get ice cream now? I wanna get the taste of ass out of my mouth. [fast forward to the present] Scene Description: Kyle's room, present day Cartman: How can they make what I said on the Internet available to the public? That's bullshit! Kyle: It's available to everyone, stupid! Cartman: I gotta go! [runs out] Scene Description: Randy's kitchen, night. The lights are out, only the moon shines in through the window above the sink. Unknown Memberberries: Heehee, hurry! Come on, we have to hurry! Let's go. Memberberry 1: [rolls away from toaster] This way, this way! We have to go this way, 'member? Memberberry 2: [bounces away from toaster] Oh, I 'member! Memberberry 3: [rolls away from toaster] Come on, we have to hurry! [rolls while Berry 1 bounces] Memberberry 4: [bounces away from toaster] 'Member Jabba the Hut? [bounces while following the others] Memberberry 2: Yeah! Come on Tubbs, you have to keep up! 'Member?! [rolls while following the others] Tubbs: [bounces while ] Hehe, sorry. I 'member. Memberberry 1: Okay, almost there. Memberberry 4: [stops] 'Member the Battle of Endor? Memberberry 1: Shh. Memberberry 4: [talks softer] 'Member the Battle of Endor? Memberberry 3: [stops] Oh I 'member. [berries keep on moving]. Tubbs: Hehehe. Are we almost there? Memberberry 1: Shh. Memberberry 2: Come on, 'member? Memberberry 4: Oh I 'member! Scene Description: The Broflovski residence. Dick rings the doorbell and Gerald answers. Dick: I miss my friend. Gerald: Oh you got to be-Are you joking?! Dick: I don't know how things got derailed but, I-I'm sorry if I made you upset. I want to be buddies again. Gerald: Buddies like when? When were we buddies? Dick: Come on, let's just have a couple of beers and do some trolling. Gerald: I don't have time for you! I'm sorry, dude, but I have a life. I have a wife, and kids, [raises his arms] and shit to do! Dick: Why are you mad at me'? Gerald: Because you won't go away and let me just have fun! Dick: I refuse to believe that Skankhunt is that shallow. Gerald: [turns to his side] Oh here we go! Dick: When you Photoshopped penises in Kesha survivors' mouths, it's not just to make people laugh. Gerald: [faces Dick] Yes it is! Dick: If someone Photoshopped a dick in your wife's mouth, would you just think it was funny? Gerald: You mean my [shows his phone to Dick with image of Sheila Photoshopped] fucking screensaver. Dick: It's true. You're just an asshole. I thought you were the ultimate rebel. I actually looked up to you and you're nothing but a super... dick. Gerald: And what are [points at Dick] you, Dildo Shwaggins? Huh? You think you're a fucking political activist hauled up in your shitty little midget condo. You're nothing but a pissed off little giant, lashing out at everyone because you can't get laid! Dick: At least I have a reason to be angry. What do you have, that it's funny? Hurting people is just worth the laughs? Gerald: Stop trolling me. Dick: One day you're gonna wake up and realize that you don't have anyone either. Gerald: Stop fucking trolling me. [shuts the front door] Scene Description: TrollTrace Headquarters. Dane 2 walks to Bedrager while singers sings "Tjing Tjang Tjing". Danes: Den jomfru sad i høje torn Tjing tjang tjing nutillej Og vendte ham som til forn Tjing tjang tjing nutillej Dane 2: We have it! We think we have it! [stops walking] The emoji analysis worked. We've found the IP address of the troll that trolled us. Bedrager: [turns around] Triangulate the servers. Scene Description: [servers triangulated an area on North Colorado] Bedrager: Focus everything on that area. It's time to see what these puppies can do. Scene Description: Fort Collins, Colorado, MLKKK's house. MLKKK types at his computer and hears an air-raid siren and then turns on the TV. News Reporter: Once again, if you live in the city of Fort Collins, there is a chance that all your emails and your entire Internet history has been made accessible to the public. MLKKK: [checks his neighbor who is seen running out of the house screaming] Fort Collins Citizen 1: [exits the house] Who the fuck are these emails to, and what the, what the fuck is MarriedButHorny.com?! [throws the Mac at her husband] MLKKK: [sees his phone and picks it up with caution] Hello? Unknown Caller: I know where you live now you son-a bitch. MLKKK: [throws his phone on his desk and runs away to his car where he drives] Fort Collins Citizen 2: I've been hacked! Help me I've been hacked! Scene Description: Everyone in Fort Collins is panicking. Fort Collins Citizen 3: They'll never forgive me! [jumps down from a high building] MLKKK: [quickly presses the brake pedal, but crashes to the car in front of him. He leaves his car behind] Fort Collins Citizen 4: [gets out of her car and clings onto him] They know everything I said about them! The club knows- MLKKK: [pushes the woman] Get away from me! [runs away, but then gets stopped] Scene Description: From an alleyway, the back of a man holding a bucket is seen as he calls out to MLKKK Unknown Caller: Hello MLKKK! [the man is now visible and is accompanied by his disabled daughter] You called my daughter "R2-D2". You know how long I waited this day, you son-a bitch! [charges forward and throws the bucket's liquid content onto MLKKK. He then strikes a match and throws it onto MLKKK, immediately setting him on fire] MLKKK: Ahhhh! [begins to run around and screams in pain as he is engulfed in flames] Unknown Caller's Daughter: Is he burning, Pa?! Unknown Caller: He's burning bright, little girl. MLKKK: Ahhhh! [continues to run around and scream as father and daughter watch] Scene Description: A highway. Evening. A toy car is driven with a few Memberries on them. The berries talked while the song "Africa" is played. Toto: [sings] It's gonna take a lot to take me away from you There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do I bless the rains down in Africa Gonna take some time to do the things... Memberberry 1: 'Member which way we're going? Memberberry 2: I 'member. Tubbs: Hey hey, 'member the Ewok village? Memberberry 3: Oh I 'member! Memberberry 1: I 'member that! Memberberry 4: Oh sure, I 'member! Memberberry 2: 'Member 'member! Scene Description: [a knocking sound is heard from the trunk] Memberry 2: Oh shit, hang on. [pulls the car over and stops the song] Scene Description: [the berries show left the car and opened the trunk to reveal a hostage berry] Memberberry 1: Hey you, shut the fuck up! Memberberry 2: Yeah, we're gonna kill you, 'member? Mickey: Oh, I 'member. [trunk gets shut] Scene Description: The Memberberries dance and talk while "Africa" is playing. Toto: It's gonna take a lot to take me away from you There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do Memberberry 3: Oh, 'member this song? Memberberry 4: Sure, I 'member. Memberberry 1: I love this song, it was fanta'tic, 'member? Unknown Memberberries: Oh I 'member. Oh I love it when you 'member! 'Member! 'Member? Scene Description: Gerald's work office. Gerald watches a live stream news report on his computer. News reporter: Complete panic and mass-hysteria tonight as the City of Fort Collins has been hacked. [aerial footage of an interesection is shown, with burning cars and a bus smashed together while people run through the streets in panic] Gerald: Oh my god. Oh my god, they've done it. News reporter: The Danish are taking complete credit for the cyber-attack, blaming its successfully exposed and notorious troll. [A black and white photo of MLKKK's with the caption "MLKKK ANTHONY WEBSTER" is shown] The man has been identified as the Internet troll MLKKK, [the original photo moves to the side and a phtoto of MLKKK running while engulfed in flames as the unknown caller and his daughter look on is now shown] and was burned alive by one of his apparent victims. Gerald: Ah! News reporter: The Danish claimed this was only a beta-test and soon the servers will be available worldwide. [turns his head to his left] Wait, so like they'll be releasing everyone's Internet history? Uh, I gotta go. [runs away] Gerald: No! No no no no no! [FaceTimes Dick] Dildo, they done it! The Danish figured out how to hack everyone's Internet history! Dick: [ends the call] Gerald: Ahhh! Scene Description: Mars in Cartman's fantasy. There's a severe dust storm. Cartman: Not kewl! Not kewl! [holds onto a rock and sees someone caught in the storm, flying away] Not kewl! [tries to walk to the station] Unnamed character 3: [holds onto a station] Wait! Unnamed character 1: Have fun! [gets blown away by storm] Scene Description: [roler coaster gets damaged] Cartman: It's all falling apart! Weak! Scene Description: Cartman's room. Heidi notices Cartman is worried. Heidi: What is it, Eric? What's wrong? Cartman: I-I, I don't know. Heidi: Come on. We don't keep secrets, remember? Cartman: It's just hard. Heidi: You said you wanted to be perfectly honest with me, always. Cartman: And I do. [breathes heavily] This one time, [wipes his nose] I think it was over the summer I went to see the new Ghostbusters movie. Heidi: Yeah. Cartman: And, and during the movie I was like "Wait, where is my phone?" and I couldn't find it; and then Jimmy said "Ha ha ha, screw you, Cartman," and he was holding my phone and he ran off with it and said, "I gonna send a bunch of texts and emails from your phone so that everyone thinks it's from you,"; and I was like "No, that's not cool!" and he said "Yeah," and he said a bunch of mean stuff before I went to go get him and I took my phone back; and I'm just worried th-that people look at my Internet history, they're gonna think all that stuff came from me! Heidi: Well I'm glad you told me, 'cause now I know. Cartman: So you totally believe me? Heidi: Of course. [Cartman and her touch hands] You've never given me a reason not to believe you, babe. Cartman (fantasy): [sees Mars restored] Kewl! [leaps] Heidi: You have no reason to worry. People will know it wasn't you. With emoji analysis, everyone will be able to tell exactly where any comments came from. Cartman (fantasy): [holds onto a rock, noticing a severe dust storm] Ugh! No, [lets go of the rock] nooo! Scene Description: A campaign. Mr. Garrison gives a speech. Garrison: My fellow Americans, we live in an un-presented time of uncertainty. I want to speak to you human-to-human because with God's grace, this will be the last time you ever hear from me. When I started this campaign I was saying a lot of shit because I was angry, [Gerald is seen in a bar, worried] and then I turned that anger into pushing buttons by more and more outrageous. Slowly, people started paying attention to me and I guess it made me feel powerful. Well now the chickens have come home to roost. [Kyle, Ike, and Sheila are seen having dinner in their home] Sooner or later, we all get exposed. [Gerald sees his family having dinner] We're all held accountable for what we say, what we do. [Garrison is seen again] There is only one thing that matters now. On November eighth, you must vote against me, and show the world that you didn't think the new Star Wars was all that good. When you're in that voting booth, remember that every vote for Hillary Clinton is a vote that shows the world we agree that The Force Awakens was more like a happy day reunion's special than a movie. The choice is yours, America. Please make the right one. Scene Description: Clinton's office. Two FBI agents enter. FBI agent 1: The Danish claim they will soon have the ablity to publish anyone's Internet history. We have to act fast, Mrs. Sandwich. Clinton: I'll have you treat me with more respect. Haven't you seen the polls? It's president elects Sandwich. FBI agent 1: We may not want to get too far ahead ourselves. [takes out a file of Skankhunt42 from envelope] TrollTrace must be stopped. [gives file to Clinton] Clinton: Who is Skankhunt42? FBI agent 1: We believe he's the only one who can save you now. Scene Description: A restaurant. The memberberries are together. Memberberry 1: Here we are. We made it. Tubbs: We did? Memberberry 2: Yeah, we have to go with Plan B, 'member? Memberberry 3: Ooh, I 'member. Memberberry 4: [talks to Hostage Berry] Sorry asshole, end of the line for you. Mickey: That's okay, I 'member. [gets pushed into a drink] Waiter: [grabs the drink and brings it to a table] Here you are, ma'am, gin and tonic. Caitlyn: [grabs drink] Thanks. Waiter: Should be an interesting election this year, huh? Caitlyn: [takes a sip] Buckle up, buckaroos.

Scene Description: South Park Community Center, night. The 2016 Presidential Election Night Viewing Party is over. Hillary's campaign poster is seen on an exterior wall. One man is passed out on the lawn off to the right with a bottle of beer nearby, another man throws up after walking out the doors. Most everyone there is either tired or disappointed. Inside, there are a few more people watching the results Bill Keegan: And uh, definitely a bit of a surprise here. Looks like America has voted for a change of pace. The world is in a bit of a shock, uh... Is this? We're, we're for sure this is for real, right? Randy: What have you done?! You maniacs! [a man seated near the entrance pulls a gun out his back pocket and shoots himself in the head, falling off the chair.] Bill Keegan: We uh... I guess we're going live to the acceptance speech now? Uhh okay, here we go. President Elect Douche: [with Caitlyn beside him] The people have spoken. Just as J.J. Abrams did with Star Wars, I will make this country great again. Randy: This isn't how it was supposed to happen. President Elect Douche: All my efforts this past week have paid off. And now, let's begin... fucking them all to death! Scene Description: Butters' house, day. Cartman is at his front door knocking. Butters answers it Cartman: Hey hey Butters, can I talk to you? Butters: What do you want?! Cartman: [walks in] Do you remember an e-mail I sent to you a few months ago, after I saw the new Ghostbusters movie? In which I might have said something to the effect of it totally sucking balls because women aren't funny? Butters: Well I don't know, Eric. Cartman: I just need to see exactly what I e-mailed you, Butters. And then I need you to e-mail me saying what an awesome prank that was e-mailing you "Ghostbusters sucked balls" when actually I told you it was really funny several times in person. Butters: NO! I'm not doing anything for you! You're a traitor! Cartman: A traitor? Butters: Yeah! Boys and girls were at war, but you go and kiss your little girlfriend's ass! Whatever happened to sticking with your kind?! Cartman: Sticking with my kind? You guys broke all my stuff! Butters: Because girls drove us to break all your stuff, dumbass! If anyone should be pissed at chicks, it should be you! But no, you got your bitchy little girlfriend pullin' your strings now! Cartman: Please do not call her that, Butters. I really like her. Butters: Oh God, listen to you! [mimics his last sentence] "Please don't call her that I really like her." You've changed, Eric! You've really changed! Now get the fuck out of my house! [Cartman is taken back, but closes his mouth and walks out the door. Butters slams it closed behind him] Scene Description: Channel 9 News. A reporter stands near some scaffolding around a newly-walled city Tom: A historic election, and all the votes are in. Except of course in the city of Fort Collins, Colorado. It's been several days now since Fort Collins was hacked. Everyone's e-mails and Internet history became accessible to the public after being targeted by the Danish Trolltrace program. According to our eye in the sky, their votes will not be tallied anytime soon. Eye in the sky: It's complete bedlam inside the city limits, Chris. [traffic accidents at every intersection, a broken fire hydrant spewing a geyser of water, three giraffes running through the streets...] Since the city was hacked there have been murder, suicide, and complete lack of civility. We also understand that nearly everyone within Fort Collins who was married is now divorced. Back to you, Tom. Tom: This barricade behind me was put up not only to make sure nobody goes into Fort Collins, but also to make sure nobody gets out, since there's no telling whose Internet histories they've seen Dangling Man: [at the top of the barricade] Please! [Tom glances at him and the camera zooms in] My wife is so pissed at me! [a bullet strikes him from the air and he falls to his death several stories down.] Guh! Tom: [faces the camera] The defiant Danish company is still declaring Trolltrace a success, and claims that it will be available worldwide at any moment. Scene Description: South Park, night. A helicopter flies over the kids' neighborhood and a camera on the chopper scans the area. A night sun comes on and focuses on a house. It's Gerald's house - he looks out a living room window and panics Gerald: Oh God... [he looks up at the sky and sees the helicopter] Oh God! [he goes outside for a better look. Two government vehicles pull up right away and agents pour out of them] Lead agent: We have him. The subject is home. [Gerald looks around, then runs inside and closes the door] Scene Description: Inside the Broflovski house. Gerald runs past the stairs as Kyle and Ike come down to see what's going on. Kyle: Dad, what the? Ike: What's goin' on, Dad? [Sheila comes out of the kitchen] Gerald: [runs up to her] They're coming for me, Sheila! They know everything! Sheila: About what?? Gerald: Everything I did online! It's over! Lead agent: Sir, if you'll come with us? Agent 2: We need to speak with you? Sheila: [shields him] You people really have nothing better to do?! What he did online is his business! Or maybe it's me. Maybe I'm the one that likes being peed on and I sucked him into it. Did you know that urine is 100% sterile?! How dare you burst into our home! [a shot of Ike and Kyle looking confused] Gerald: Sheila! Sheila: Urologia has been around since the time of the Greeks! Agent 2: Sir. Please come with us now. [Gerald walks towards them] Sheila: Gerald, you don't have to listen to them. Gerald: I'm sorry, Sheila. Please know that I love you so much. Goodbye Kyle, Ike. [all three look on helplessly] Scene Description: Neighborhood park, night, the bench. Heidi and Cartman are there again. They're wearing Beauty and Beast shirts, respectively. Cartman looks helpless Heidi: I can't believe it, babe. I really didn't think things would end up like this. Cartman: Yeah. Neither did I. Heidi: I just... feel so disconnected from the world, you know? I really thought this was gonna be the moment that proved girls could do anything, like you always say. Cartman: You can't stop believing that. Now more than ever you have to stay strong. Heidi: I'm just glad I have you. At least I know you believe girls are smart. Cartman: You are smart, Heidi. Heidi: And funny too, right? You're always saying how people need to get over that girls are funny. Cartman: [getting emotional] You're funny. Oh my God, when Amy Schumer talks about her vagina I seriously lose my shit. Heidi: Hey, are you okay? This election really got to you too, huh? Cartman: Yes, Heidi. For the first time I'm really scared for the future. Heidi: Me too, babe. [scoots in and rests her head on his shoulder] Me too. Scene Description: Freemont Bridge, night. One of the government vehicles stops at one end of it and the agents take Gerald out of it. Gerald: Where are you taking me? [the agents take him down the riverbank to the riverbed] Wait! Please, there's been a mistake! Someone set me up! I'm not Skankhunt42! [the agents take him to a shadowy figure under the bridge] Dildo? Hillary Clinton: [comes out of the shadows] Hello. Mr. Cunt. Gerald: Turd Sandwich... I don't understand. Hillary Clinton: Things... have not turned out the way they were supposed to. This election was stolen. And while this government is still in power, we have to prove it. We've come to ask for your help. Gerald: My help? Hillary Clinton: Leave us. [the agents leave and head up the riverbank] As I understand, there's quite a lot you've done online you don't wanna have come out. But I also understand you weren't trying to get a woman to kill herself. You were just being funny. Gerald: Exactly! Hillary Clinton: The Trolltrace program is the most sophisticated of its kind. The government has only a few short weeks to try and use that technology to stop the President-elect from taking office. Gerald: What do you want me to do? Hillary Clinton: You've proven one thing: that you have the ability to pretend to be someone you're not. We wanna send someone into Denmark undercover and steal their technology. Gerald: You mean like... like James Bond? [looking hopeful] Hillary Clinton: Totally like James Bond. You and I need each other, Skank. What do you say? Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's house. Randy knocks on the front door repeatedly Randy: Garrison! Garrison, what the fuck have you done?! [Caitlyn answers the door] Where is he?! Caitlyn: He's resting. He's had a busy week. Randy: [goes inside] Yeah I'll say he has! [sees him on the sofa and walks up to him] Do you have any idea what you've done to our country?! Garrison: Yeah. Fuck them all. Randy: You admitted you didn't know how to run a country! You agree people were supporting you just because they like the new Star Wars, and you begged me to help you lose! Garrison: I changed my mind. The new Star Wars was actually really good. Randy: No it wasn't!! Something else has to have happened!! Caitlyn: Maybe some people enjoy nostalgia and going back to what feels comfortable. Randy: There's nothing great about rehashing all the old Star Wars moments into a new- [Caitlyn vomits out a gusher of member berry juice.] Ah! Aaah! Aaaaaah! [bits of member berries are on Randy's face] Aaah. [member berry voices are heard] I, I suppose... I suppose I can watch it one more time. Give it another chance. Scene Description: Turd Sandwich's office Agent 2: [hands him a dossier] You're flying to Denmark under the guise of being a foreign ambassador. The Danish think you want to help them. Here's your fake passport and here are your nifty camera glasses. [the lead agent hands those over to Gerald] Gerald: Wow... Agent 3: Once inside the Trolltrace building, you will plant this. [the fourth agent walks forward with a briefcase] Looks like an ordinary briefcase, but at exactly 9:30 Danish standard time. the case will open, detonating an EMP device that will take out their entire facility. Agent 2: It'll fry all their equipment, servers, and backup computers. After it detonates we'll be on the roof to pick you up. Gerald: [smiles] And then everything can go back to normal. Lead agent: One last thing: to pass yourself off as the ambassador, you have to pretend to be from the Turkish Islands. Are you any good at... changing your voice? Gerald: That depends. Are you asking me? Or are you asking... [does his first impersonation] me, Andy the drunk sheriff? *hic* [next impersonation] Or me, the old Irish dart player? [third impersonation - Peter Griffin] Or me, from Family Guy? [fourth impersonation - Stewie Griffin] Or me, from Family Guy? [fifth impersonation - Chris Griffin] Or me, from Family Guy? [The lead agent and agent 2 give him thumbs up] Scene Description: Ike's room, day. Ike is playing Minecraft when he gets a FaceTime call - it's his father. Gerald: Hi Ike, it's Daddy. Everything OK there? [Ike look around] Listen, buddy, you remember how we talked about trolling and just between us guys we agreed it was pretty funny? [Kyle walks by Ike's room, hears Gerald's voice and stops to look inside] Well it turns out that even the- Kyle: Dad! [runs into Ike's room] Where are you? Gerald: Oh, hey Kyle. Kyle: Dad, what's going on? Mom is freaking out. Gerald: Tell your mom everything's fine, okay? I'm helping out the government. It's top-secret stuff, but everything's finally gonna be okay. Kyle: No, Dad, I need you back home. Please, I-I'm so confused right now. Gerald: Kyle, you've gotta lighten the fuck up, buddy. Every day with you it's "Dad, I feel guilty about this. Dad, I'm so confused about that." You're a kid. You're supposed to just laugh and make fun of shit. [smiles] Stop being such a pussy, okay pal? Fuck. [hangs up, leaving Kyle a bit stunned] Ike: Daddy called you a pussy. Scene Description: South Park Elementary gymnasium. PC Principal stands before a big screen with speakers on either side PC Principal: Alright everyone, listen up. I know that many of us were shocked to the core with last night's election. But we cannot allow our school to be any further divided. It is time to try and start the healing process, and so here, to try and help us heal, is Bill Clinton. [claps. He's the only one to do so. Bill Clinton steps out from behind the screen] Bill Clinton: Hi kids. I'm Bill Clinton, and I was almost the first gentleman in America. Thank you. Even though we might have lost the election, it doesn't mean that my work to be a gentleman is goin' to stop. I'm gonna ask all you boys to agree to join Bill Clinton's Gentleman Club. [its logo shows up on screen] But I can't do it alone. Sometimes, I wish there were two of me. Oh wait, there are. Oh Bill! Bill Cosby: Yes, Bill? Bill Clinton: Come on out here. Bill Cosby: Hello, boys and girls. Bill Clinton: I'm Bill Bill Cosby: And I'm Bill Bill & Bill: And together we're Bill and Bill Two birds of a feather comin' to your school Gonna show you all about what gentlemen do. When you're not quite sure how you feel Ask Bill and Bill. Bill Clinton: Say, Bill? Bill Cosby: Yes, Bill? Bill Clinton: Would you like to join my gentlemen's club? Bill Cosby: You know I would, Bill. Scene Description: Heidi's room, day. She's writing some stuff down when Cartman enters her room. Cartman: Heidi? Heidi! Heidi: Hey babe. What's the matter? Cartman: Sorry, I have to talk to you. It's really important. Heidi: Okay. Cartman: Heidi, we... have to get to Mars. Heidi: I know, babe. You've talked about how humankind needs to get to Mars for a few weeks now. Cartman: No, Heidi, we have to get to Mars like, now. [walks around a bit] I've seen what's gonna happen when Trolltrace goes online. I think... a lot of people have said and done things online that will make a lot of other people angry and, it's going to be very bad. Humankind is going to destroy itself and its only hope are the people who go to Mars, where there's no wifi. So nobody can see what anybody said or did on the Internet, ever. Heidi: Babe, there's no way to get to Mars right now. Cartman: Yes. [walks up to hold her hand] Heidi, I think there is. But you have to totally trust me, and know that I'm doing this to save... us. Heidi: I trust you with everything I have. Cartman: That's kewl. Scene Description: Copenhagen, day. "Tjing Tjang Tjing" plays. The arrivals area is shown, and Gerald descends on an escalator. The music switches to an action-paced score. Ticket agent: Your name, please? Gerald: Miller. Von Miller. [adjusts his cuff links] I'm the ambassador of technology from the Turkish Islands. Ticket agent: Oh yes of course, Ambassador Miller. You're here to support our country's-a Trolltrace program, yes? Gerald: That's right. Ticket agent: Your escort is-a right over there. [points to her left. Dane 5 waits at the exit holding a welcome sign up: "AMBASSADOR VON MILLER"] Scene Description: A Trolltrace vehicle. Dane 2 is driving, Dane 5 is in the passenger seat, and Gerald is in the back seat. Gerald: Nice little country you have here. Really clean. Dane 5: Yes, ambassador. Denmark is ranked the nicest place to live in all the world almost every year. [the car stops at the Trolltrace entrance and the occupants step out] This is it, ambassador. All of Trolltrace is housed in this building. Gerald: Mhm. [takes a picture. They go inside and Gerald looks around the lobby] Wow, this is really impressive. [takes a few more pictures] Lennart Bedrager: [appears] Thank you for coming. [Gerald turns around] Welcome to Trolltrace. I cannot tell you how much I've been looking forward to your visit, [somewhat ominously] Ambassador Von Miller. We have so much to talk about. Won't you join me upstairs for frikadellers and leverpostejs? Scene Description: A table at a restaurant. Stan is in a chair. Stan: I can't imagine how you're feeling right now. I know that the election didn't go the way you'd hoped. What I want to say is, I'm sorry. [Wendy is shown facing him across the table] I know that girls have gone through a lot lately, and I just want you to know that... I'm here for you. Bill Clinton: Okay, okay, that's good, but now, make sure she knows how you're gonna change. Stan: I am gonna change. I, I am. Bill Clinton: Whether she takes you back or not. Stan: Yeah well, but I, but I want her to take me back. Bill Cosby: [pops into view as he leans back on his chair] Yeah, but if you're just changin' to get her back, then you're bein' selfish again. Stan: Okay, look. The bottom line is, you still have to have faith... in boys, because... because I miss you, Wendy. [some knocking nearby. Stan and Wendy look in the direction of the knocking] Butters: Traitor! [Stan, Wendy, and Bill Clinton see him outside with four other boys - Craig, Clyde, Tweek, and Francis] Fuck you, Stan! You're a traitor! [drops his pants to show his wiener and puts his fist high up in the air] Stan: Go away Butters! [Cosby leans back to see what's going on] Bill Clinton: Who's that? Butters: How dare you be ashamed of who you are?! [steps forward and presses his wiener onto the window] Bill Cosby: Oh, he's pressin' pickle! Scene Description: Trolltrace building, boardroom. Gerald and Lennart enjoy a meal, surrounded by servers outside the room. Lennart: Enjoying the frikadellers? Gerald: Oh. Yes, they're nice. Lennart: And the leverpostejs are seasoned to your liking? Gerald: Ah, I wouldn't know. Ha, haha. Lennart: You keep-a checking your watch, Ambassador Von Miller. Are you late for something? Gerald: No, no I, I-I'm just anxious to get a look at your servers. They must be quite impressive. Lennart: Yes. Well a database that can identify everybody's Internet activity is-a very complex. I'm so pleased you want to help us rid the world of-a trolls. Do you happen to recognize... [clicks on a remote controller and a black and white picture of Freja Ollegard appears onscreen] this woman? Gerald: Ahhh... no. Lennart: Her name was-a Freja Ollegard. She was Denmark's-a national treasure. [pours himself some Gold Top wine] She had an amazing breast-cancer awareness website, and some... troll... decided to Photoshop-a wieners in her mouth. [Gerald stifles a laugh by putting a napkin over his mouth] Gerald: Oh, wow. That's terrible. Lennart: Her final straw was when she was trolled on a live TV show. [pours some more wine into a second glass] When the troll posted comments about-a breast cancer with-a fake doctors' names. Would you like to know what the doctors' names were? The first one was a Dr. Boobsoff. Dr. Cootsier Boobsoff. [Gerald stifles a second laugh] Then I believe there was a Dr. Juerdior Titsgo. [Gerald stifles a third laugh] But probably most insensitive of all was when the troll said he was Dr. Ipples. Dr. Now I'm Only-n Ipples. [Gerald stifles a fourth laugh, but it's getting harder and harder to do so. Lennart notices and gets in his face] Are you alright, Von Miller?! Gerald: I'm fine. I... I think the frikadellers gave me a little heartburn. Ah, if you wouldn't mind, could I see the servers now? Lennart: It would be my pleasure. Scene Description: The Stotch house, night. The doorbell rings and Stephen answers it. Bill Clinton: Hello, I'm Bill Clinton, and I was almost the First Gentleman in America. Stephen: Oh my gosh! Honey, it's the nearly-Gentleman! Bill Clinton: May I come into your lovely home? Stephen: Well of course, that's very gentlemanly of you. [Clinton enters] Linda: Oh my goodness, it's him. Hello, sir. Bill Clinton: Hello, ma'am. I wasn't expecting someone so stunning. [takes her right hand and kisses it] I'm so sorry for the intrusion, but I was wondering if I could speak with your son. Stephen: Oh. Well, I'm afraid Butters is grounded for pressing pickle at the nail salon again. Linda: Stephen, this is a guest, a gentleman. Stephen: Uh but, but of course we'll make an exception. [takes Clinton upstairs and to Butters' door] Butters has been grounded quite a lot lately. Don't know what's gotten into him. [unlocks the seven locks and latches used to keep Butters in his room] Bill Clinton: Well, maybe I can help. Stephen: That'd be great. No matter how hard we ground him, he remains defiant. [finally opens the bedroom door. Butters is standing on his bed looking out the window, with his wiener out] Butters, stop smooshing snake! The gentleman is here to speak with you. Butters: [over his shoulder] What? Bill Clinton: Hello, young man. Come on, sit down. Let's talk. Scene Description: The Marsh house, dinner time. The family is eating dinner, but Stan is missing and Randy is still under the influence of member berry juice. Randy: Well, I don't know about you guys, but I sure am excited. America is going to be great again. Aren't you excited, gang? Shelly: No I'm not excited! It sucks, Dad! This country is gonna suck for four years! Randy: Aww, come on, Shelly. We've learned that women can be anything. Except for President. Sharon: Randy! You just spent the last month convincing me that the only reason people wanted to go back was because of a childish nostalgia they all had for the new Star Wars! Randy: Have you really watched it, Sharon? It has more to offer than just nostalgia. Let's all watch it again tonight. Sharon: What?! I don't wanna watch Star Wars any more than I- [Randy vomits member berry juice on her] Shelly: Dad, what the hell is wrong with y- [Randy vomits member berry juice on her] Scene Description: Trolltrace headquarters, day. Lennart Bedrager opens the server vault. Lennart: Please, ambassador, explore the servers at your leisure. Let us know if you have any questions. Gerald: Thank you. [the Danes leave, and Gerald goes into spy mode, entering the vault and locking it. He takes pictures every few steps and passes by Dick unaware] Dick: You can stop being an idiot now. Gerald: [notices him] What the-? Dildo? Dick: Skankhunt. Gerald: What the fuck are you doing here? Dick: I was sent here by the government to do international espionage like James Bond. Gerald: Nononononono, that's what I'm doing. Hillary Clinton says I was the only one capable of- Dick: Of being smart and funny enough to pull it off. Yeah, that's what she told all of us. Gerald: All of us? Who? [Dick looks to his left and Gerald follows his gaze. The other trolls in their group are there with their own briefcases] Anonymous 821: Hey Skankhunt. Gerald: What the hell is going on? Dick: Don't you get it? The government made some kind of deal with the Danish. They handed us over so they wouldn't go forward with their Trolltrace program. They wanted the troll who killed Freja Ollegard and his associates. We got sold out because of you! Gerald: No! [runs to the vault door] No, you've got to let me out of here! I'm not one of them! [pounds on the door in vain. The briefcases begin to beep] Anonymous 821: [notices] Hey look, it's 9:30. The briefcases are about to go off. [When the briefcases pop open, they prepare to die, but they get rickrolled instead.] Scene Description: Butters' room, night. Bill Clinton is still talking to Butters, who's still mad. They sit side by side on Butters' bed. Bill Clinton: What do you think you're gonna achieve, young man? Do you really think all this pickle-pressing is gonna get you anywhere? Butters: Well, I'm just angry, Mr. Gentleman. I'm tired of girls saying boys need to change. Somebody has to stand up for our rights! Bill Clinton: What happened, son? Did a girl break your heart? Butters: [suddenly tears up] No. Bill Clinton: I know. I know how hard they can be. But... somethin's about to happen that you aren't aware of. [stands up and walks off a bit] You see, Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. And trust me, my wife is a crazy bitch. She and all the other women in the world are about to get payback. And we are all completely fucked. It's my fault, really. I've done things my whole life that gradually broke her spirit. And now that she's lost everything, let me assure you: she is piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissed. [walks back to the bed and sits down] Now, our only chance is to keep our heads low and act like we're changed men. Because, we're very close to the end. Butters: The end? Of what? Bill Clinton: Women are sick of our shit, son. And soon, they're gonna know everything we've said and done online. And unless we start kissin' their asses, we're all gonna be put in a big chamber underground and milked for our semen. Scene Description: A hill in Hawthorne, California. Cartman and Heidi make their way to its crest. Heidi: Eric, we're so far from home. Cartman: We aren't gonna see home again, babe. We're gonna make it. There's no turning back. Heidi: You really think there's hope? Cartman: Yes. I do. [before them is SpaceX]

Scene Description: Tom's Rhinoplasty. A government agent speaks with Bannon. Government agent: The political world is watching, Bannon. [gives Bannon a file] We need to make sure the president elect has a smooth transition. Bannon: All indications are that his transition [flips a page] is going to be fine. Surgeon: [walks by] We're just doing some finishing touches, but everything went well. You can see him now if you like. Caitlyn: I'll go. Scene Description: Caitlyn walks into a technologically advanced room where Garrison is seen having a blond, push-back wig put on his head by a mechanical arm. Garrison: [talks with Caitlyn] Well, do I look presidential? Caitlyn: Honestly, you look twenty years younger. Garrison: They really worked on my stank face. Look! Whenever I don't know what people are talking about, I just do this, [lowers his body] like look. [shows his stank face] I can do this. [shows his stank face again] This is, this is my stank face. [shows a different stank face] It's like, I'm not listening to you, see? [shows his other stank face] They did a really good job on my stank lips. Caitlyn: It's an amazing transition. Garrison: Now I feel ready to take care of business and do what really matters... [sits up straight] in just a minute, I'm gonna do the UV rays a bit longer. Scene Description: [the machine closes enseals Garrison] Scene Description: SpaceX. Cartman and Heidi walk to the desk. Secretary: Can I help you? Cartman: Hello. I understand that you're trying to get to Mars. This is my girlfriend, Heidi. She's really smart and really funny. Secretary: ...Okay. Cartman: We've given up social media and we'd like to be somewhere as far from the internet as possible. Is it true Mars would have really shitty Wi-Fi? Secretary: ...That'd be an understatement, yes. Cartman: Well, we'd like to go. We can't tolerate this world anymore and we'd like to talk to whoever we can about getting to Mars as soon as possible please. Secretary: Uh-huh. Take a number and join the others. Cartman: What others? Scene Description: [Cartman, Heidi, and the secretary turn their heads see a bunch of other people waiting, including Cher singing] Cher: [garbled and auto-tuned] If I could turn back time... Cartman: What the fuck, dude?! Secretary: Lot of people want to leave the planet right now. Cartman: Ah god dammit, is that Cher?! Cher: [garbled and auto-tuned] Do you believe in leaving the world, oh... Scene Description: South Park Elementary, principal's office. PC Principal: God [knocks down papers] dammit! [knocks down lamp] How the fuck did this happen?! Mackey: [knocks the door and opens it] Uh, sorry PC Principal, but someone wants to speak with you. PC Principal: I told you to leave me alone, Mackey! [slams fist on the desk] I'm not in the mood! Mackey: But, but sir, the president elect is here. [moves away from Garrison] Garrison: [enters the office with two Secret Service agents following him] So sorry for the intrusion. You're not too busy, I hope. PC Principal: Uh, not at all. Please uh, have a seat, Mr. Garrison. Garrison: Excuse me? PC Principal: Uh, please have a seat, Mr... President. Garrison: That's better, bitch. [sits down and takes out a piece of gum] PC Principal: Certainly want to uh, congratulate you on the election. Garrison: Do you remember the day you fired me, PC Principal? PC Principal: I know we've had some differences, uh... Garrison: I was upset because a bunch of immigrants were changing my class and I believe your response was that I needed to go and "learn their language", "be more open-minded". PC Principal: I'm sorry that your position here at the school was terminated. Garrison: Are you really? [makes stank face] Are you really sorry? [makes different stank face] Because you see PC Principal, you helped create me. You insisted that I was a bigot, that I was an intolerant relic left over from another time. But now, I'm your president. And if there's one thing I've learned about becoming president, it's that your penis can get really dry. When all the skin on your penis is drying out from working so hard to get elected there's only one thing that can fix it, isn't there? Saliva, from a good friend who once doubted you. I need you to fix my problem, PC Principal, so that we can be even-stevens. What do you say, bud? PC Principal: [is in complete shock] Scene Description: Outside of unknown club. Two people got out of the club. The berries head to a tiny door. Unknown berries: Oh, 'member when it fell in her drink. Yeah, I 'member. Memberberry 1: 'Member when Han shot Greedo? Memberberry 2: Sure, I 'member Greedo. Tubbs: Ha, I 'member Greedo. Memberberry 3: 'Member? Memberberry 1: [knocks at the small door] Guard Berry: [opens small window] What's the password, 'member? Memberberry 3: Yeah, I 'member. Memberberry 1: You 'member? Guard Berry: I 'member. [opens the door, lets the berries in, and then closes the door immediately] Scene Description: Inside a Memberberry bar. Random berries keep on saying "'Member". Memberberry 1: Ha ha, 'member this place? [hops away] Memberberry 2: Sure, I 'member. [rolls away] Memberberry 4: [hops away] 'Member the Tantive IV? Memberberry 1: Oh, I love that ship. [stops moving] Memberberry 3: [goes with the other berries and talks to an old berry] Hi, it's us, 'member?! Don: Ah sure, I 'member. Memberberry 4: We did the thing with throwing Mickey in the drink, 'member?! Don: Ah sure, I 'member; just 'cause of youse, we won the election. Tubbs: Yeah yeah, 'member? Don: Waiter, round of drinks for our heroes here, 'member? Waiter Berry: I 'member. Don: You done good poisoning the lady's drink. Now our man is in office, 'member? But I still have things I need you to do. Tubbs: Hehe, hehe, I 'member. Scene Description: TrollTrace Headquarters: vault. Gerald repeatedly knocks on the exit door with all his might. Gerald: Please, you have to let me outta here! Dick: Skankhunt, stop! Bedrager: [talks from above] Yes, please. You're making a very jackass of-a yourself. Gerald: [walks to see Bedrager's face] Bedrager: Well well, what do we have here? Looks like your little troll-party. Troll 4: You Danish pricks, you tricked us! Bedrager: We didn't trick you, your own government did. They thought if they handed you over to us we would agree not to go forward with the TrollTrace program. Gerald: You can't hold people prisoner! I haven't done anything! People are gonna be looking for me! Bedrager: [takes out his phone] By all means, [tosses the phone to Gerald] contact whoever you want. Of course, you'll have to tell them why you're here. Dick: What are you gonna do with us? Bedrager: We're going to use you to set the world on fire. When the servers go online, there will be chaos, panic, and war. And from the ashes, a new world will rise: a world where everyone is happy, and singing, and has no secrets, [yells] like Denmark! [punches a railing] Dick: You think you can turn countries in the world against each other? Our president will never let that happen. Scene Description: Unknown supermarket. Garrison and Secret Service agents enter the store. Garrison: Hey everybody! [walks to a checkout line, takes a mic, and hums "Hail To The Chief"] Guess who's here? It's the President of the United Fucking States. [mic drop, then walks around the store] Oh, it's been a while since I've heard from you guys. Hi, Janice. [takes a small bottle of water from her shopping basket and opens it, tossing the cap away] Hello, Stephen. Stephen: [looks away] Mr. President. Garrison: [walks around the store some more] I was just, you know, passing through the old neighborhood [checks out a tomato paste can from another shopper] thinking about what laws I might get rid of, when suddenly, out of nowhere, my penis got really dry. You know if they have anything at this store for a dry dick? Huh? No? You guys can't think of anything? Oh, I know. What about [points to] Eduardo Hernandez? I believe it was Eduardo who told me I couldn't double-bag my groceries, even though he's from fucking Guatemala. Well, what do you think now, Eduardo? You wanna double-bag somethin' else? [his phone rings, and he pulls out out of his back pocket to answer it] This is the President. First general: Sir, we need you at the Pentagon. It's a matter of national security. Garrison: Oh, really? I'm kinda busy right now, jeez. First general: Sir, the Danish have released a statement. I'm afraid... we may be going to war. Garrison: War? Scene Description: Ike's room, day. He's playing a first-person shooter game when a Skype call comes in. Gerald: Ike?! Ike, buddy, can you hear me?! I need you to do something, okay? Daddy needs your help! I need you to go to your browser and sign on to the school message board, okay? Can you do that for me? The school message board and then log in. Lowercase S, skank-hunt-4-2. You got it? Scene Description: The other trolls witness Gerald's actions. Dick: Wow. Anonymous821: Wow, what? Dick: He's gonna have his son sign in and troll for him. Gerald: [covers his phone and faces the other trolls] If Skankhunt is still out there trolling, then they have the wrong guy! Get it?! It's called "using your brain", fatso! Anonymous821: So they'll blame your kid? Gerald: Nobody cares if a kid trolls! What are they gonna do, get a slap on the wrist? Dick: [stands up] Didn't you hear what that guy said? They're gonna set countries against each other! We have way bigger problems! Gerald: You don't know my fucking wife! [faces the phone] Ike, you got it? Great, pal! Okay, now I need you to go to the comment section, okay, and type in "You should all get raped by gorillas". You got that pal? Ike, "You should all get raped by gorillas"! Come on, we have a lot of work to do here! Scene Description: SpaceX. Heidi and Cartman sit next to each other on separate chairs. Cartman: Jesus, I didn't think getting to Mars would take this long. Heidi: You really think this is what we should do, babe? I gonna miss everyone. Cartman: I know, but it'll be worth it, babe. We'll be left alone to make our new world better. Butters: Hey, Eric! [seen right near Cartman] Cartman: [speaks to Butters] What the hell are you doing here? Butters: Well I want to get the fuck off this planet, but they told me I had to take a number. Cartman: Oh no no no! You're a male chauvinist sexist pig, Butters. You don't get to go to Mars. Butters: [shows complete fear] No, you don't understand. I've seen the light, I'm a changed man, I thought boys were being treated unfairly, but now I know... shit's about to get a lot worse. Scene Description: Outside of the White House. Memberberries start incoherent 'membering. Memberberries: 'Member The Fugitive? '[Millions of Memberberries are 'membering.]' 'Member Aliens? '[They begin to jump the fence]' Here we are! Ah, yeah! I 'member. Come on, everybody, 'member? '[The large group of Memberberries continue 'membering.]' 'Member snow speeders? '[They approach the front door.]' Yeah, I 'member! 'Member not hearing? '[They breach the front door and pour into the main foyer.]' 'Member the invasion of Hoth? Haha! 'Member "you rebel scum"? I 'member! '[They fill the entire floor of the White House entrance.]' Oh, 'member the rebel transports? '[Thousands of Memberberries open the door to the Oval Office, and pour in.]' Memberberry 1: "We did it!" 'Member? '[Five Memberberries take their place on the president's desk.]' Memberberry 2: Sure, I 'member! Memberberry 3: What do we do now? Memberberry 4: Don't you 'member? Tubbs: Ooh, I 'member. Scene Description: Ike's room. Ike sets up the profile photo of Mrs. Herrera and a penis in a small Photoshop tab while Gerald is on Skype. Gerald: Okay now make sure the little worm is in the woman's mouth, got it? Ike: [puts penis in photoshopped mouth] Gerald: Now I need you to type "You're a fat retard" in the comments. Ike: [types in the comment section] "You're a retard." Gerald: No, you have to say "a fat retard", Ike! It's a nuance, but it's very important! Ike: [types in the comment section] "You are a fat retard." Sheila: [sees what Ike is doing and is in shock] Ike! What are you doing?! Ike: What he says. Gerald: [exits Skype chat] Sheila: [walks into Ike's room and gets a closer look] It was you, all this time! What have you done, Ike?! Do you have any idea the damage you've caused?! How could my child be such a monster?! [answers the call on her phone] Yes yes, hello?! Gerald: [talks on his phone to Sheila] Hey sweetheart, how's everything going? Sheila: You have to come home from helping the government, Gerald! I just caught Ike trolling Mrs. Herrera! Gerald: Are you serious? Sheila: Yes! The school troll is our son, Gerald! You should see all the things he's posted on his computer! Gerald: God dang it! Let me talk to him right now! Shelia: [hands her phone to Ike] Ike: Hello? Gerald: Hey Ike, just stay calm and act like I'm yelling at you, okay pal? Okay, give it a few seconds, wait. Good. Okay, now-now say "I'm sorry, dad. I guess I'm just fucked up inside". Ike: No! Gerald: Ike, you have to listen to me. On your mother's life, this is a matter of national security! You have to say "I'm sorry, dad. I guess I'm just fucked up inside"! Ike: [angrily] I'm sorry dad. I'm just fucked up inside. Gerald: That was amazing, kiddo. It'll all be worth it, okay? I'll make this up to you. Give me back to your mom. Sheila: [takes her phone back] Gerald?! Gerald: He's full of shit, he's not sorry! If he felt sorry, he wouldn't be able to do it in the first place! Sheila: I know! Gerald: I'm gonna get home as soon as I can to deal with this, okay? We can deal with this together. Just don't say anything to anyone for now, all right? Sheila: Okay. Okay yeah, I love you too. I know. Bye. [ends the call and talks to Ike] You just sit in here until we figure out what to do; and if you get back on that computer, you are done, you got it?! [leaves Ike's room] Gerald: [starts a Skype call on Ike's computer] Ike! Okay there's just a few more things I need you to do. I need you to type "How'd you like a donkey dick?". Scene Description: Pentagon. Garrison and four Secret Service agents walk to the general. First general: [salutes] Welcome to the Pentagon, sir. I've been ordered to show you around. [turns around] This way, please. Garrison: [follows the general] So I can do whatever the fuck I want in here now, right? First general: Yes, sir. Here are all [gives Garrison a folder of classified information] our military secrets and all classified information. Garrison: [takes folder] Okay, good. First general: [stops everyone by the Drone Program entrance] This is the Drone Program. In there you can kill anyone on Earth remotely. Here's the keys. [gives keys to Garrison] Garrison: Thanks! Scene Description: [everyone continues walking] First general: In here is satellite surveillance where you can monitor anyone's conversation live. Garrison: Oh that will come in handy. First general: Extreme interrogation [stops everyone] room in case you find interrogation necessary. Garrison: Oh hell yeah, it's necessary. Let's do it. First general: [gives Garrison a briefcase] And here of course is the famous "football", where you could order a nuclear attack in four minutes. [walks away] Garrison: Love me some football. [follows the general] First general: [stops everyone by the Diplomatic Strategy entrance] And finally, in here, is the diplomatic strategy and negotiating room. [opens the doors, having everyone enter the room] Scene Description: People in the room are noticing high alerts across the world. Garrison: Well, jeez, this doesn't look very fun. Second general: Thank God you're here sir. We need your guidance. Scene Description: SpaceX. Butters sits next to Cartman by his left side. Butters: Loolooloo, I've got some apples. Loolooloo, you've got some too. Cartman: Butter, Butters! You expect people to believe that you went from being the biggest asshole in the school to a softhearted feminist like me? Fat chance. Butters: No no, believe me. I'm a changed man. Girls are really smart, and they'll be running the country soon, and they deserve total respect. Cartman: Yeah? You just forgot one thing, that women are funny too. That didn't occur to you, did it, Butters? Butters: Well I don't think there was ever any question women are funny. Remember that movie 9 to 5 with Lily Tomlin and Dolly Parton? Heidi: Oh yeah, that movie was funny. Butters: Well I laughed my butt off and it never even occurred to me that they were women. I don't know why things changed. I don't know why people make such a big deal about women and comedy now. I mean what about Carol Burnett? She was great. Heidi: Wow, I guess you're right. Cartman: Yeah, I mean, when women make vagina jokes I think it's the funniest thing ever! Butters: Yeah, well I swear I don't care how many times Amy Schumer talks about her vagina, I laugh every time. Cartman: [looks at Heidi, then at Butters, then in a low voice] Oh, I see what you're doing. Heidi: What, babe? Cartman: Oh nothin', babe. I'm just... Do you think you could tell me some jokes? Heidi: [giggles] Why do you want me telling you jokes all the time? Cartman: Because you're [glares at Butters] fucking hilarious. Heidi: Well, did I tell you the one about the skeleton and the skunk? Butters: [laughs] That's already funny! [Cartman gets frustrated and makes a fist with his left hand] Scene Description: The Pentagon Second general: All around the world, countries are mobilizing armies and preparing defensive countermeasures. Garrison: Why? What the hell happened? First general: This is everything you need to know about the TROLL TRACE program. Garrison: What's TROLL TRACE? First general: A plan by the Danish to release the full internet histories of everyone on Earth. Second general: The previous administration tried to work with the Danish by handing over several trolls, but the plan didn't work. First general: The entire world has become very uncertain and unstable. Second general: We think we should order all navy vessels to the Bering Sea. Garrison: For what? First general: Because when the Chinese are able to see all our e-mails and online activity, we believe they will most likely attack us. Also, there are ground troops mobilizing in Paris because the French believe when we see all their e-mails, we will most likely attack them. Third general: Mr. President, sir! The Russians are asking what we intend to do about the Danish. Garrison: Well, why are you asking me? Second general: Please, sir, we have very little time before this escalates beyond our control. Scene Description: The Kremlin, Russia, day. What follows is what's on the video, although the language is said to be Russian. Aide 1: Президент Путин, Датское утверждает, что они всё ещё готовы включить программу Troll Trase. Putin: Это всё, что я сказай, всё, что я сделай на Интернет будет доступно моей подруге? Aide 1: Да, кажется так. Putin: Датское должно быть оставновлены! Мы нужно знать, как Соединённые Штаты стоят на этом! [behind him, the phone rings at his desk and a second aide pops in to answer it] Aide 2: Э... Господин президент, Овальный кабинет. [Putin walks to the phone] Putin: Да, это президент Путин. Memberberry 3: 'Member the Death Star? Memberberry 1: Ahahaha, 'member cutting open tauntauns? Memberberry 4: Yeah, yeah, 'member the Force? [the berries chuckle] Putin: Что это такое? Tubbs: Heheh, heheh, yeah, sure, I 'member. Memberberry 1: Member McGy-? Tubbs: Sure, I 'member. Memberberry 3: 'Member? Memberberry 2: Heheh, hey hey hey, 'member the Cold War? Memberberry 1: Oh I loved the Cold War! That was fantastic! Scene Description: SpaceX, day. Everyone is still waiting for the ride to Mars. Tour assistant: Okay, Numbers 204 through 215, you can come on through. Cartman: [leaves with Heidi] Oh, finally. Butters: Hey, that's me too. Yippee! Tour assistant: Right in here, everyone. [The group, which includes Cher, walks in, and the door slams shut behind them] Elon Musk: Hello, everyone, and welcome to the tour. I'm Elon Musk. Are we gonna have some fun today? Cartman: Oh great, a stupid tour guide. Can we just talk to someone important please? We want to go to Mars. Elon Musk: And getting anywhere takes ingenuity. Oh, Mrs. Door? Would you mind... opening, please? PA door voice: [interactive doors] Yes, Elon. [the doors rattle, but don't open. Elon turns and opens them manually. A chime plays as the doors open, and Elon leads the group onto the factory floor] Elon Musk: The only way for humankind to survive is with imagination and technology. Cars that run on electricity. Solar panels that replace roof shingles. Even food that changes form. You see this? It's a pizza, only four inches long. And yet, when heated, it expands to make enough pizza to feed a hundred people. I call it the pizza... pocket. Cartman: [whispering to Heidi] They already have Pizza Pockets. Elon Musk: Who would like to see the Hyperloop? A new mode of travel that can take you from here to Dubai in nine minutes. Cartman: Excuse me, Mr. Musk, this is all super interesting and shit, but can we see the Mars rocket now? Scene Description: Meanwhile, at the Pentagon... Staffer 1: Sir, India is moving aircraft carriers into the Gulf of Mexico. Garrison: Well why would we care about Mexicans?! Staffer 2: [in winter fatigues] Sir, a message from Saudi Arabia. They say they pinky-promise not to look up our Internet history if we pinky-promise not to look up theirs. Garrison: Well what does that even mean?! Staffer 3: [in winter fatigues] Still waiting on if we should send troops into Japan, sir. Garrison: I don't know, jeez! First general: Sir, it's the UK Secretary of Foreign Affairs calling from London. He says they have advice for you. Garrison: What? Boris Johnson: Yes, hello? Things aren't looking good here. We just want to say, whatever you do, don't eat the membberries. UK aide: [overhearing] Don't eat the membberries. They are bad. Garrison: Memberries? Boris Johnson: I'm afraid everyone here who ate the memberries wanted to go back in the past, you see. Hasn't worked out too well for us. UK aide: We shouldn't have ate the memberries! Boris Johnson: The memberries cloud your judgement. They get inside your head, you see. Garrison: Get inside your head... Wait a minute... Nobody gets in my head, you limey bitch! Are you insulting me?! Stop wasting my time! 'Cause I'll have you here on a plane in five hours suckin' my dick!! [slams the phone down on the receiver] UK aide: What'd he say? Boris Johnson: I believe they've eaten the memberries. UK aide: Ooh, dear! UK aide 2: Ooh, dear! Scene Description: SpaceX tour, day. The tour is winding down. Elon Musk: Here you see our Falcon 9 full-thrust rockets. They are actually able to take off into space and land safely back on Earth for reuse. [the group moves back to the lobby] Well, I certainly wanna thank you all for joining our tour today. You've been a wonderful group. Give yourselves a round of applause. Groups: Huh? Cartman: Whoawhoawhoawhoa, what about going to Mars? Elon Musk: Mars? We're still about ten years away from going to Mars. Maybe eight. Groups: Awwww. Cartman: No, no nonono, we have to go now! Elon Musk: Well I'm sorry, but it's a bit more complicated than a pizza pocket. Going to Mars is gonna take a lot of very smart people working very hard for a very long time. Now, if you don't mind, I have hundreds of more tours to do. [turns to exit the lobby] Butters: Mr. Musk, wait! [Musk turns around] Maybe we can help you get to Mars sooner. I'm not sure if you know our friend, Heidi. She's really smart, and really funny. [Cartman flashes an angry face at Butters] Elon Musk: Like... how funny? Scene Description: The White House. Some member berries have formed a group and are performing "Africa". A vintage car horn is heard and the mob boss arrives with some henchmen. "Sing Sing Sing" blares from the radio. Don: Out of the way, 'member? Berry Henchmen: You'd better 'member if you know what's good for youse! [the car moves through the crowd, down the corridors and into the Oval Office] Memberberries: Hey look, it's them. 'Member? Sure, I 'member. [the mobster berries get out of the car] Don: Ey, youse did good. Who's in charge, 'member? Memberberry 3: We decided he's in charge. Memberberry 1: No, we said I'm in charge, 'member? Memberberry 4: No wait, I 'member. We all said he's in charge. [leans to the left] Memberberry 2: Oh yeah, I 'member. Don: Wrong. [shoots Member Berry 2 clear through. Member Berry 2 collapses and bleeds out green juice] Memberberry 3: Waaah! Don: 'Member stormtroopers? Memberberry 2: Sure, I 'member. Don: Not those stormtroopers! The real old ones. People wanna 'member? They're gonna 'member. Scene Description: The Broflovski house. Kyle comes home from school and is about to go upstairs when he sees Ike in a corner, in time out. Ike has his head against the wall. Kyle: Ike? [Ike looks back at Kyle, then puts his head on the wall again] What are you doing? Sheila: Don't talk to him! He is in big trouble! Kyle: Well what'd he do? Sheila: It's him, Kyle! Your brother is the internet troll who's caused all this pain in our community! Kyle: What? Sheila: It was him all along. Now we have to figure out what to tell people when they learn this ugliness came from our family. [walks back into the kitchen] Kyle: You made people quit Twitter? You started a war between boys and girls? You...? Scene Description: Kyle stops and thinks back to the clues he's heard in recent days. Heidi: I call it "Emoji Analysis". It isn't a student, it's an adult. Sheila: This ugliness came from our family! Heidi: I think it's one of the parents. Gerald: You're suppose to just laugh and make fun of shit. Ike: Daddy called you a pussy. Kyle: [stops thinking back] Oh my God. Oh my God! Ike, come on! [grabs Ike's hand and rushes out the front door with him. Sheila hears the front door open and looks around for her boys. She reaches the open front door] Sheila: Kyle? Ike?! Whatwhatwhaaat?! [her voice echoes around the neighborhood]

Scene Description: In front of Park County Police Station. A crowd gets riled up while Harrison starts a speech. Harrison: Everyone calm down, please. We have to have civil order. Listen to me. Scene Description: [crowd stops chattering] Unknown person: Really? Harrison: Now I know everyone's scared, but we have to keep control. Yes all of our emails and Internet histories are about to become public knowledge. Scene Description: [crowd chatters] Harrison: [raises his arms] But, but, Scene Description: [crowd stops] Harrison: we all need to understand that TrollTrace will never happen if people don't log on to use it. The website is a massive database that cross-references everything ever said on the Internet. It relies on people typing in a name and address of someone else [lays arms on stand] to add to that database. If we could all agree to resist the urge to look up other people's Internet histories, [looks at Maggie] Maggie, okay? As long as we all respect each other's privacy, darling, [looks straight ahead] then our town won't suffer the same fate as Fort Collins. Stephen: And what are the police gonna do to make sure people don't use it?! I know I'll certainly respect others' privacy, but about other people like [points at Laura] Laura Tucker the Blabbermouth? Laura: Excuse me? Harrison: And that's why we have to come together as a community, and resist any temptation to use TrollTrace, [looks at Maggie] Maggie. We have to stay in control. [looks in front of him] This hack of our city will never happen, so long as we rely on the rationality and the basic decency of the American people. Scene Description: [crowd panics and runs away] Harrison: Guess I could've worded that differently. Scene Description: Kyle's room. Kyle sits on bed with his head lowered while Sheila stands near the doorway. Sheila: [yells] What were you thinking?! How dare you outright defy me like that! Your brother was being punished for using the computer and you decide to just leave with him? Kyle: I just felt bad for him, ma. Sheila: You felt bad for him, after all the horrible things he said to people online?! Your brother is a sick troll, Kyle! You just wait until your father gets home. [leaves the room and closes the door] Scene Description: Ike's room. Ike sits on his bed miserably. He suddenly gets a Skype call from Gerald. Ike goes to his computer and accepts the call. Gerald: Ike, where the fuck have you been?! Daddy needs your help. You don't want Mommy and Daddy to get divorced, do you? [paces] You know how bad your mom is, she completely overreacts to everything. That's where your brother gets it from. You don't want to be like Kyle, do you? Kyle: [goes in front of the computer] Hi dad. Gerald: [gets shocked] Hey, buddy! Everything good there? Kyle: It was you, this whole time. You're the troll that caused all of this trouble. Gerald: No, it was your brother. I don't know what's wrong with him, Kyle. He needs counseling... Kyle: Heidi Turner did an emoji analysis. It was an adult. It was you. Gerald: [starts talking right before Kyle finished] Shh, shh. Shh, shh. Okay, keep your voice down. Kyle: [talks softly] Why dad? Why did you do this? Gerald: Because it's fucking funny, Kyle. It's called having a sense of humor, and laughing. You should fucking try it once in a while! Kyle: Putting a penis in the mouth of a mom who has cancer is funny?! Gerald: Because it's so not funny, God! Pushing people's buttons to get a reaction can actually be very good for society, Kyle. Listen to me, the Danish are fucking crazy. You have to get people to stop them. Kyle: How?! Gerald: Go get people riled up. Call the President. I don't know. When you push people's buttons, they go and push other people's buttons. Now get out there and... [ends call] Sheila: [enters Ike's room and yells] Kyle, Ike! What the hell is this?! What did I say?! Get off of that computer riiight nooooow! Ike: [puts his head down] Scene Description: Outside of SpaceX. SpaceX is surrounded by a barb-wired gate in which a crowd of people get riled up behind it, with some trying to climb. Secretary: Uh everyone, please listen! We don't have any rockets going to Mars! Yo-you're not listening! We don't have the energy requirements figured out yet. We're working as hard as we can. There's a little girl working on the people right now and apparently she's incredibly smart and funny. Scene Description: SpaceX:laboratory. Heidi stares at a large white board filled with charts and equations. Cartman: [walks to Heidi with mug] You got it figured out yet, babe? Heidi: [grabs mug] Babe, I have no idea what any of this means. Cartman: Heidi, yes you do. You just have to get over yourself. Come on, say it. Say it. Heidi: Girls rule, women are funny, get over it. Cartman: [does a one-sided hug on Heidi] Get over it, baby. Stop holding yourself back. Heidi: [sighs] Elon Musk: Uh excuse me. Sorry, can we have a word please? Cartman: [yells at Elon Musk] What the fuck do you want?! [talks to Heidi] Hang on, babe. [runs towards Elon Musk] Elon Musk: This doesn't seem like it's gonna work out and we're rather busy. Cartman: Just give her a chance. [turns around] She's the smartest, funniest girl on Earth. Elon Musk: I haven't really heard her say anything funny. Cartman: Yeah, [points at his own head] that's because you have a mental block, Elon Musk. [lowers his arm] They won't let you get over yourself. Butters: [sits on chair, watching the conversation] He-heyeah! Don't worry about Heidi, she's a hoot. Cartman: [faces Butters with a mad face] Scene Description: TrollTrace: vault. The vault door gets unlocked. Dick: Here they come. Scene Description: [Dane 2 opens the door as Bedrager, Dane 1, Dane 4, and him enter. The trolls stand up] Gerald: Oh thank god. There's been a mistake, okay?! I'm not one of [points at the other trolls] them. My son is Skankhunt42. Go online and see, he's still doing it! Dane 2: [points a gun at the trolls] Bedrager: All of you, remove your clothes. Anonymous821: What are you gonna do with us? Bedrager: Remove your clothes now! Scene Description: [the trolls strip themselves naked] Scene Description: TrollTrace: Observatory room. The entrance door opens. Dane 2: [enters] In here, move. Scene Description: [trolls enter the room in a line where they are put on separate chairs, handcuffed] Gerald: [gets frieghtened] Oh god! Oh god, they're gonna [gets kicked by Dane 5] kill us! No no, wait! Okay okay, it was me! You're right, I'm Skankhunt! But I am not like them. Please, [gets put on a chair] I have a good job! I'm a good guy! [gets handcuffed] I'm sorry! [sighs heavily] I was just being funny! I was trying to make people laugh! [sees the Danes leaving the room] That's a positive thing, right?! I wasn't doing it to hurt people, I was just doing comedy. It's different! Please, it's different! Scene Description: [the door closes] Scene Description: South Park Church. Maxi makes a speech to people praying. Maxi: Lord, we look to thee on this to our most trouble hour. We have been let astray and now all we could do is wait for the inevitable to happen. Soon everything we have said and done online is going to be known to all. Many lives will be turned upside down. Of course, I have nothing to worry about; since I'm a priest, there's nothing I'm ashamed of doing on the Internet, so [turns a page] definitely no reason to look up my history. But uh for many, this is a time to pray. Everyone: [speak in unison] O'Lord, please forgive for things we might have done online. Harrison: Maggie. Men: Please try to understand that even some of us who were on MatchingMavis.com, it was only out of curiosity, and not because we actually having an affair. Please understand that we might have used racial slurs, but only because it was to a close friend and never meant to be public. Kyle: [enters with Ike] What are you all doing?! [walks closer to the priest] Somebody's threatening your way of life and you all are just sitting here praying, like uh a bunch of babies? Ike: [follows Kyle] Like a bunch of pussies! Kyle: Come on, this isn't South Park! What's happened to us?! We used to have a challenge and deal with it, then move onto the next one. Now we've just been dealing with trolling and Internet stuff over and over, week after week; and I don't know about you, but I'm getting pretty sick of it. Randy: Yeah. Kyle: [stands on a step near Maxi] Now for once let's take a stand and try to end this. We can't let Denmark change who we are. Randy: Yeah, fuck Denmark. Prayers: [speak after one another] Yeah! Kyle: You guys need to, you know, call the President and get him to take action. Prayers: [speak in disappointment] Aw! Stephen: The President? He won't listen to us. He hates us now. Randy: No, [stands up] but there is somebody he will still listen to. Scene Description: The Pentagon: Diplomatic Strategy room. First General: Mr. President, we're looking at global destabilization blinked we've never seen. Countries everywhere are terrified their Internet may be hacked. Garrison: Well what do they want me to do about it? Second General: You're the leader of the free world. Everyone's looking to you to be the call and steady voice they all need. Army Soldier: [salutes] Mr. President? Mr. President, the Isreali prime minister is on Line 1, the chancellor of Germany is on Line 2, and a Mr. Slave is on Line 3. Garrison: Mr. Slave? [picks up the phone on Line 3] This is the President. Mr. Slave: [talks at his house while looking at his fingernails] Hey, what's up? Garrison: Well well well, crawling outta the woodwork to try and get me back now that I am a big cheese? Scene Description: Mr. Slave's house is shown to have other South Park residents. Mr. Slave: No, I'm calling because people want you to bomb Denmark. Garrison: Who wants me to bomb Denmark? Mr. Slave: Lots of people 'cause it's like gonna ruin their freedom of speech or something. Garrison: Mr. Slave, this is all very complicated, diplomatic stuff, okay? You can't just go bombing other countries. Mr. Slave: Oh Jesus Christ, you're such a little bitch. Garrison: Oh I'm a bitch, huh? I happen to be President, bitch! Mr. Slave: You're a little bitch, President. You're too scared to bomb anybody. Garrison: I'm not scared, my advisors have told me that I... Mr. Slave: Yeah, you're scared, just do what your little advisors tell you to do. Garrison: If I decide a military strike on Denmark is warranted, then I will... Mr. Slave: You don't have the balls to bomb them, pussy. Ike: Pussy ass bitch. Mr. Slave: Pussy ass bitch, fuck you. Garrison: Oh [rambles] okay! You think so, huh?! Well watch this you gay asshole! [yells at the generals] Bomb Denmark! First General: Sir? Garrison: [turns around] The TrollTrace building or the whole fucking thing! Whatever it is, get the missiles ready! Mr. Slave: [talks to others in his house] Yeah, it worked. Kyle: Alright! Scene Description: [everyone else cheered] Scene Description: SpaceX. Butters walks to the men's room. Butters: [talks to woman employee walking by] Hello. [enters the bathroom] Cartman: [enters the men's room and sees Butters using the urinal] What are you doing? Butters: [talks to Cartman] Going pee! Cartman: I mean what are you doing here calling my girlfriend funny? You better back off! You don't even know her, your just saying it! How do you even know she's funny?! Butters: Because you keep on telling everyone she is. Cartman: Butters, Heidi is everything to me. If you take her, I swear to god... Butters: Eric Eric, trust me! I want nothing to do with girlfriends! [walks closer to the toilets] I know what girlfriends do; they make you feel happy like you never felt, then they crawl up inside of you and poop out your heart. Cartman: What are you talking about? Butters: That's how it ends, Eric. Girls get you to feel for them, make you think they're the best thing in the world, and then they leave, move on to the next thing; and you're left there crying, with your heart covered in poop. Cartman: Not Heidi, she's different. She's really smart, and really funny. Butters: Sure buddy, sure. Scene Description: Ike's room. Kyle and Ike read the news on the computer. Kyle: Officials have stated that all communication with Denmark has end, and that a military strike on the country is now imminent. Ike: Yay! Kyle: The President stated that since then... Sheila: [enters the room] Are you serious right now?! Kyle & Ike: Augh! [get off the chair] Sheila: [yells] Get off that computerrrr! Kyle: Ma, we were just using it to look at the news. Sheila: I don't care, I said no computers! You kids are addicted to the Internet! You're sick, and you're addicted! It's changed your brother, and now it's turning you against me, Kyle! Kyle: I'm not against you, mom. Sheila: You are! Your father goes away on business and all you do is defy me at every turn! The next time you defy me, it will be your last! Do you understand?! Kyle & Ike: Yes, mom. Sheila: And when your father is home from Denmark, you two are both going in for counseling. Kyle & Ike: [in complete shock] Denmark? Kyle: What is dad doing in Denmark?! Sheila: The government sent him over to do paralegal training, so it would've nice if you could've shown a little support! [leaves the room and shuts the door] Ike: Ohhh shit. Scene Description: TrollTrace: Observatory room. The trolls are handcuffed and seated, facing the panels. Gerald is sobbing. Gerald: [whimpering]Oh God! [continues whimpering] Anonymous821: Will somebody shut him up? Dick: Skank. Skank, get ahold of yourself Gerald: You were right, Dildo, when you said I was a dick, when you called me an asshole. I am. And now I'm going to die alone, just like you said (starts crying again) Dick: Come on. You're not an asshole Gerald: [sobbing] You said I was, though, 'cause I only trolled to be...funny. Dick: Well-Well, maybe being funny is just sort of how you deal with serious subjects. Gerald: [sobbing] Really? You don't think I'm a bad person? I'm sorry. All you guys, I'm sorry. Trolls: That's okay. Okay, Skank. All right Gerald: [calling out to TrollTrace staff] Excuse me. Hello? Scene Description: TrollTrace: monitoring room. Bedrager is looking over a TrollTrace employee's notes, while the trolls are shown on the monitor Gerald: Could I please speak to the person in charge? [Bedrager hears Gerald and walks over to the monitor] I have something to say. [security camera zooms in on Gerald] Please, just for a moment? Bedrager: [stares intently at the monitor with the other employees] Bring him to the conference room Scene Description: SpaceX:laboratory. Heidi continues to stares at a large white board filled with charts and equations. Cartman walks over and observes her from a distance Heidi: [sighs], Dude, I am so not getting this. Cartman: [walks away in shock] Scene Description: SpaceX: Upper level walkway. Butters is leaning against the railing. Cartman: [walks towards Butters and then leans against the railing] I just don't understand it. She's always been really smart before. And hilarious. Butters: Don't feel bad about getting duped, Eric. Its happened to all of us. Cartman: [Yells] Nobody's been duped! Stop suggesting that she's being manipulative. Why would she want to trick me? Butters: The truth is girls hate us, Eric. They're sick of our shit. And one day, they plan to make us obsolete, stick us underground where we just get milked for our semen. Boys' only hope is to start over on Mars. Cartman: [turns around and yells] That's ridiculous. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Heidi is the smartest, funniest person I've ever met. I'm not being tricked. And I'll prove it to everybody! Scene Description: TrollTrace: Conference room. Bedrager is eating a meal while two Danes stand guard. Gerald: Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much for talking to me. I just really needed to get something off my chest. I'm so sorry. I had the biggest epiphany about the damage I've done, the people I've hurt, but the fact of the matter is I'm not really a troll. [Bedrager continues eating and not paying attention to Gerald.] I actually have a job. I'm a lawyer. I've got a loving wife and great kids. Uhm, I've got a family that really misses me and needs me. Bedrager: [continues eating and not looking at Gerald] Freja Ollegard, the volleyball player, had a family, too. They miss her quite a lot too. Gerald: And that-that is so tragic. And I'm so sorry that she was driven to kill herself by trolling. It's-It's wrong. But, you know, I just sort of set things in motion. See, I'm a satirist. I challenge people's point of views by being sort of edgy. [Bedrager stops and hears Gerald out] And sometimes, people can be like "Whoa!" and mistake that for hate, but its not hate. Its pointing out hypocrisies in out society. Bedrager: You're so full of skinkinslat I can smell it from here. Gerald: If you say mean things and you're mean, then I agree, you should be killed. But if you're being funny, which spreads joy - Bedrager: You really think my plan is to kill you? Gerald: It's not? Bedrager: [To the two Danes standing guard] Leave us. [shoos them away with his hand] Go. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go. Scene Description: [The two Danes walk out of the room.] Bedrager: [In a sinister tone] Do you want to know what's really funny? Scene Description: The Pentagon: Diplomatic Strategy room. Staff is running around and Mr. Garrison is eating a tub of ice cream. First General: Mr. President, the bombers are en route to Europe. Second General: Are you sure you want to proceed with this? Garrison: [Licking his ice cream spoon]Yeah, yeah. Bomb the shit out of them. We have to be tough here. Army Soldier: Mr. President? Mr. President, the Grand Duke of Luxembourg is on Line 1, the Chairman of the Worker's Party is on Line 2, and Kyle is on Line 3. Garrison: Oh geez. What does Kyle want. Scene Description: [Walks over to red phone and picks up the receiver] Garrison: This is the President Kyle: [in his bedroom, with Ike] Mr. Garrison, you can't bomb Denmark! Garrison: Oh, for Pete's sake, Kyle. Kyle: It's-It's wrong and it could start a bigger war. Garrison: Kyle, this is all very serious diplomatic stuff, okay? You can't understand the political complexities involved here. Kyle: [Looks at phone in shock and then thinks of an answer] I understand that you're a dipshit little gay puppet. Garrison: Excuse me? Kyle: Letting your ex-boyfriend manipulate you 'cause you miss his sweet ass. Garrison: Who told you that? Kyle: Everyone knows that. You only do what your little bitch boyfriend manipulates you into doing. Garrison: Kyle, I am the President. Kyle: You're a little dipshit president. Ike: With a dirty...asshole. Kyle: With a dirty asshole. Ike: And...you shit out your dick. Kyle: And you shit out your dick. [covers phone with hand and looks at Ike] Where did you learn to talk like this? Ike: Daddy! Garrison: Oh that's what people think, huh? Well, maybe I won't bomb Denmark. What do you think about that? Kyle: Yeah, you will, because you're a little retarded shit bitch. Garrison: [Yelling] God fucking damn it [slams receiver] Hold up! Hold up on the fucking bombs a minute! Scene Description: Outside of SpaceX. A large crowd is making noise and still trying to get in Scene Description: SpaceX:laboratory. Heidi continues to stares at a large white board filled with charts and equations, with Elon Musk and his staff observing. Cartman walks up to her from behind Cartman: [Nervously] Hey, babe. Uh, how's it going? Heidi: [Stares intently at white board, not paying attention to Cartman] I don't understand what any of these symbols mean, so in my head I'm trying to replace them with something I know to try and see patterns. Cartman: [Wipes his nose] Okay, cool. Uh, babe, you remember that funny thing you were saying about soup the other day. What was that again? Heidi: And when I do that, I can see how everything lines up except for one thing. Scene Description: [As Heidi continues staring at the board, the formulas start changing into random emojis] Heidi: [Thinking] I call it [echo] "Emoji Analysis" [the formulas keeping changing into emojis as the echo continues]. Cartman: Do you-you remember that funny voice you did at McDonald's? You were like "Could you-Could you hand me my water," or something. I can't-I can't remember. Heidi: These two don't line up, babe. The only things that are out of order. Cartman: Or the time you said the thing about clouds and I was laughing so hard-What was that again? Heidi: [Turns to Elon Musk and his staff] Excuse me. Is it possible that the seventh line from the right and the third one up from the bottom left are out of sequence? Scene Description: [the Male #Occupy Mars SpaceX Worker review his clipboard notes] SpaceX Employee: I'm sorry? Heidi: That stuff there. Its in the wrong place. It needs to come before that. Scene Description: [the employees review their notes again] Male #Occupy Mars SpaceX Worker: [Looks at his laptop] Wait a minute. She might be on to something here Cartman: Okay, okay, now could you just do the "my vagina" thing for them? Could you just say "my vagina"? Heidi: [Turns around and runs towards Elon Musk] They're out of sequence! I'll show you! [Cartman looks on in shock as she leaves] Cartman: What the fuck is happening? Scene Description: TrollTrace: Conference room. Gerald is sitting at the conference table as Bedrager stands by a cart with wine and wine glasses. Bedrager: [picks up an empty glass] Do you remember, Mr. a-Skankhunt, when you and your little buddies trolled the entire country of a-Denmark? Gerald: And that was wrong, too. I certainly want to apologize for that. Bedrager: [pours himself a glass of wine] That was certainly a display of the power of a-trolling, wasn't it.[turns around to face Gerald] But, what would be even more impressive? Gerald: I-I don't understand. Bedrager: What if you could troll the entire world? Somebody who could rise to political power through nothing more that pushing people's a-buttons and getting them all riled up, become the leader of...a Scandinavian country, perhaps, get them to listen to you when, actually...[speaks with an American accent] you're not even fucking Danish. Gerald: No way. Bedrager: Use that country to create a machine that relies on the shittiness of people to fuck over other people and watch the whole world go completely batshit. Scene Description: [Bedrager walks over to a microphone and starts talking over the P.A. system] Bedrager: [speaking with a Danish accent] Attention all a-TrollTrace workers. Please report to assembly hall one for a big announcement. [speaking with an American accent] Completely fool everyone [sits at table with Gerald] and keep your real intentions completely anonymous. Gerald: You would-deliberately start World War III, let the people of Denmark die, set everyone on Earth against each other? Why?! Bedrager: Because its freakin' hilarious! Getting a Scandinavian country to fight trolls by building a giant machine that actually shows everyone on Earth is kind of a troll, too? Gerald: That's not funny. Bedrager: That's not funny?! Don't be a fag, dude! That's real bro shit there. Sorry to step on your fucking dicks in the mouth and tit jokes, you amateur little pussy. Come on! Have some fucking balls! Gerald: You can't do this to people! It's not right! Bedrager: [chuckles] Listen to you. [picks up microphone from under the table and starts talking in a Danish accent again] All right, everyone. Show's about to begin. [clicks on remote] Scene Description: TrollTrace: Assembly hall. Employees standing around, waiting for the show. Scene Description: [Two Danes try to access a door with their access card, but are denied access and try manually opening the door with a crank handle. The wall panels slide back and show the remaining trolls in the Observatory room, who can also see the TrollTrace employees.] Dick: What the fuck is going on?! Scene Description: [The trolls and TrollTrace employees look at each other, before an overhead project starts up and a countdown begins on the panels. The music video for "Never Gonna Give You Up" then starts up] Music video: Never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around and desert you. TrollTrace Employee: Uh-oh. Scene Description: ["Never Gonna Give You Up" continues playing in the background] Dick: Wow. That's pretty impressive. Scene Description: TrollTrace: Conference room. Bedrager quickly walks out of the conference room as Gerald tries to stop him. Gerald: Waaiitt!!! Scene Description: [Bedrager smiles as the doors shut and he slides his access card to lock the doors, trapping Gerald inside. He tries to break the glass doors open as Bedrager happily walks away.] Scene Description: Ike's room. Ike is looking out the snow covered window with a candle nearby Kyle: [standing in the hallway] Ike...It's time. [walks up to Ike] I don't know if I'm strong enough to go through with this, but its the only way now. Ike: I know. Kyle: Just remember-I always loved you, little brother. Ike: I love you too, big brother. Kyle: Let's...just get this over with. Scene Description: Sheila's bedroom. Sheila is reading a book in bed. Ike comes up to her door and she notices him Ike: Mommy? Sheila: Yes? Ike: Suck my balls. You're a fat bitch. [runs off] Sheila: [screams angrily] Whhaaatt! [tosses book aside and jumps out of bed] You get back here, you little monster! Scene Description: [Ike hops down the staircase and runs into the kitchen with Sheila behind him] Sheila: [yelling] I have had it with you! Don't you run away from me, Ike! Who do you think you are?! [runs into the kitchen and sees Kyle standing there] Where is he?! Where is your brother?! Kyle: He's in the pantry. Sheila: [yelling] Don't you try and hide from me now! You are in big trouble now, Ike! [She continues on into the pantry before Kyle shuts the door on her and puts a chair against it] Whaaatt!? What, what!? Kyle, you open this door right now!! [starts to pound her fist on pantry door] Kyle: Ma. Mom, we are really sorry... Sheila: [yelling] Open this door! [continues pounding on the door] Kyle: But Ike and I have to do something and we have to be able to use the computers. Sheila: [yelling] What,what?! No computers! Do not touch the computerrrrrs! [continues pounding on the door] Kyle: We have to do this, Mom. Its the only thing that can save our family now. Sheila: [continues pounding on the door] You are done! You hear me?! You are both done! [screams]

Scene Description: The Pentagon, President-Elect Garrison is approached by two members of the military. General Revaur: Mr. President? Russians are scrambling bombers to attack Denmark. NATO wants to know how we intend to stop them. Mr. President?...Mr. President you can't just sit there with your "stank face". Mr. Garrison: Iah-uhk-uh-I cain't? Military Officer: The TrollTrace website is set to go online in less than fifteen minutes, the world is in complete chaos! NSA Agent: [From a nearby workstation.] Sir, someone is leading a coordinated cyber strike on the TrollTrace website. Mr. Garrison: [Joyously.] A cyber attack, well that's good! Where's it comin' from? NSA Agent: It could be Russian, we don't know. Whoever this troll is, he's pretty fucking hardcore sir. Scene Description: Broflovski Residence. Kyle sits in Gerald's office typing away, a can of Sprite nearby. "Smokin'" by the rock band "Boston" plays loudly. Kyle: Okay, okay, Token? Token are you there? Scene Description: Token pops up in a Skype window on the computer. Token: I'm here, what's this about Kyle? Kyle: I can't tell you dude, I just need your Smokin' help...Please, my life depends Smokin' on it. Token: Okay, okay sure. I feel alright, mamma... Kyle: Alright, I'm not jokin', yeah I need you to tell me the worst thing I can say on the United Negro College Fund website to piss off black people. Token: What!? Kyle: Token, please! There's no time to explain! Token: Beyonce ain't nothin' but a Taylor Swift ripoff. Kyle: That helps thank you. Scene Description: Kyle closes Token's window and brings up Craig and Tweek. Kyle: Tweek, Craig, I need you to get on the GLAAD website and respond to all the horrible shit I just said about gay people. Craig: Why'd you say horrible shit about gay people? Kyle: It's not important, just get on it and respond. Scene Description: A popup appears, Stan Marsh is ringing Kyle on Skype. Kyle closes, Tweek and Craig, and brings Stan up. Kyle: [To Tweek & Craig.] Hang on. [To Stan.] Stan! Finally. Dude I need everybody online now! Stan: For what? Kyle: Dude, there's no time to explain, you gotta go out and get everybody, tell them to get on their computers, go! Stan: [Pumped up] Okay! Scene Description: Kyle closes Stan's window and brings up Jimmy Valmer. Kyle: Jimmy, what's the worst possible thing you could say on a website for handicapped Syrian refugees? Jimmy: Wuh-Wuh-Waddle back to Syria you desert-tard. [Jimmy smiles gleefully] Scene Description: A door is nailed shut by numerous pieces of wood and the door handle is wedged securely with a chair. On the other side, someone is trapped, jostling the handle and shaking the door. Sheila: You boys...better not be on that computaaaaaaah! I'll make you pay for this. You locked your mother in the pantry? I'll lock you in your rooms forevaaah. Scene Description: TrollTrace Headquarters. Gerald is locked in the conference room. Risk Astley is still blaring over the large television. Scene Description: Never gonna give, never gonna give, give you up Never gonna give, never gonna give, give you up We've known each other, Static interrupts the song. for so long Static interrupts again and Dildo Shwaggins is seen. Dildo Shwaggins: Skank Gerald: Dildo? Dildo Shwaggins: Skankhunt, can you hear me? Gerald: Yes! Yes, where are you? Dildo Shwaggins: The troll locked us in the control room with his Danish workers. Gerald: How long before the website goes online? Danish Worker: Less than ten mienutes. Gerald: Oh God! Dildo Shwaggins: Skankhunt! The TrollTrace servers monitor and catalog outrage and hate on the internet, there's a troll out there trying to overload them by generating tons of hate. Dildo Shwaggins: Skank, whoever's doing it is doing it from your account. Gerald: My account? Dildo Shwaggins: Yeah, he's pissing off a lot of people. Scene Description: Gerald realizes that Kyle is using his account to help save him. Gerald: [Proudly.] That's my boy! Scene Description: Back at SpaceX, Heidi, Elon Musk and some SpaceX employees look at a chamber containing fast flowing energy. Female SpaceX Worker: The core energy is completely stable, and very easy to reduce. It's the most massive energy source of its size we've ever seen. Male #Occupy Mars SpaceX Worker: We've done it Elon, with this type of energy we can easily get mankind to Mars. Elon Musk: This is amazing! And it's all thanks to you little girl, how did you get to be so smart? Heidi: I just- have a boyfriend who really supports me. Scene Description: She looks over to where Cartman is and waves. Cartman half-heartedly waves back. Elon Musk: Well, c'mon, I wanna know everything about you. Scene Description: She and Elon Musk walk off, Cartman stands next to Butters with a troubled look on his face. Cartman: Conniving, snakes-in-the-grass. All of them. Butters: Yep. Cartman: We have to tell someone the truth, Butters. Butters: Are you sure about what's going to happen on Mars. Cartman: It's all been leading up to this, we've just been too blind to see it before. Male #Occupy Mars SpaceX Worker: Hey, you guys need anything? Water, Soda? Cartman: Maybe just a moment alone, to talk? Male #Occupy Mars SpaceX Worker: Sure, about what? Cartman: The end of our species. Scene Description: Back in Gerald's office in Kyle's house. Kyle: All right, who else we got now, Kevin are you there, Kenny? Kevin: Ye-I, I typed in everything you told me to. Kenny: (Me too dude, what's next?) Scene Description: Ike pops up in a window. Ike: Kyle, I wanna help tooo. Kyle: No, Ike. So far the only thing you've done is from dad's account, we need you to stay clean. No trolling, Okay!? You can just help me with what I should say. Scene Description: Dildo Shwaggins pops up in a window. Dildo Shwaggins: Hello? Can you hear me? This is Dildo Shwaggins. Kyle: Who are you? Dildo Shwaggins: I'm a colleague of your fathers. We see what you're trying to do, and we're gonna help, we trolled with your father, now we will troll with you. Kyle: O- Okay? Dildo Shwaggins: Son, you need to know that your father is very proud of you. He was the best at Trevor's Axiom, he believes you can be too. Kyle: What the hell is "Trevor's Axiom"? Scene Description: An NSA Agent stands next to a dry-erase board with a pointer. On the board reads "Trevor's Axiom" under which is a tree of circled letters, breaking off into tiers, representing users. NSA Agent: Trevor's Axiom is a well-known equation in online trolling. Scene Description: The people the NSA Agent is talking to are shown, seated at the table are President-Elect Garrison, sporting his "Stank-Face", some NSA Agents, General Revaur, and his associate. NSA Agent: It's a way in which one person can create a massive reaction on the Internet. Look, person A trolls person B, but it's not about person B, the troll is trying to push buttons to try and get a reaction from hundreds, eventually creating person C, whose overreaction and self righteousness will elicit a reaction from persons D through F, who weren't trolls but can't help rip on person C. NSA Agent: Their reactions lead to outrage persons G through N, and it keeps going, generating massive energy, it's like the fission reaction that leads to a fusion explosion, all bringing out the worst in humanity. Mr. Garrison: Huh, that sorta sounds like how I got elected. NSA Agent: Precisely, Mr. President, and if this kind of overreaction can be amplified through the Pentagon servers... General Revaur: [Interrupting] It could blow up the Internet before TrollTrace ever does substantial damage. Mr. Garrison: Gentlemen, get me in contact with that troll. Scene Description: SpaceX: Interior. Cartman and Butters are sitting at a table across from the male #OccupyMars SpaceX worker Cartman: Listen, there isn't much time. This whole thing has to be stopped. We can't go to Mars. Male #Occupy Mars SpaceX Worker: You keep saying that, but not why. Butters: Because Eric knows the future. Male #Occupy Mars SpaceX Worker: What are you talking about? Cartman: I've had visions of Mars for the past few months. I'm a visionary. That's why I came, why I brought her. Scene Description: He hops off the chair and walks to the other side of the room. Cartman: But the visions weren't complete until recently. I know what happens on Mars. Scene Description: Cartman has a vision, and the red surface of Mars is now shown, as he dictates his vision. Cartman (Voiceover): At first, you'll be super-happy, bouncing around the red sand. Scene Description: Cartman is is in a spacesuit, jumping around saying "Cool". Cartman: Everyone will be really nice. Scene Description: Cartman jumps down from a small hill and notices a futuristic structure with some female astronauts nearby. They both wave to Cartman as he hops past the structure. Female 1: Hi! Female 2: Hi! Cartman: Hi! Scene Description: Cartman reaches the bottom of the hill as a rover drives past him. Cartman: You'll think the rover cars and roller coasters are really cool. Scene Description: The rover is now driving towards a futuristic amusement park. Cartman: But then, you'll realize something-The other colonists all seem to be women. Scene Description: Cartman looks around and notices a parked rover with 4 women smiling and waving to him. Cartman: Hmm, let's see Scene Description: Cartman hops in their direction. Cartman: And then you'll start to wonder, "Where are all the other guys?" Scene Description: He quickly hops past a group of girls and young women. An image of Butters' head in a space helmet zooms past Cartman. Butters voice is heard. Butters: [Whispering] Look underground. Scene Description: Butter's voice echoes as Cartman hops toward an underground mine entrance. Cartman: And soon, you'll realize there's areas you didn't understand the purpose for. Scene Description: Cartman stops and examines the entrance, then proceeds inside. Cartman: What is this place? Cartman: And that's when you'll learn the truth... Scene Description: A chamber unfolds in front of Cartman, it is filled with exhausted, naked men who have hoses attached to their penises. Each of them are standing in front of a station housing a reservoir of their semen and a laptop computer resides in front of each of them. Cartman: Men have been forced underground, deemed useless by women. Scene Description: The naked men are struggling to type on their laptops while being drained of their semen. Cartman: They are mined for the only things women still need us for, our semen, and our jokes. Scene Description: Cartman continues watching, as two women come up from behind, and grab him. Cartman: What?! No, no! Scene Description: One of the women removes Cartman's helmet. Cartman: You're just as funny as us! You don't need to do this! Scene Description: Soon, Cartman has been stripped of his clothes and is now naked, attached to a station. Cartman: Nooooooo! No, no! Scene Description: A woman in a spacesuit is standing behind him, yelling at him. Female 3: Write jokes! Scene Description: Cartman starts typing on the laptop, wimpering. Cartman: No! No! Scene Description: SpaceX: Interior. Cartman's vision ends. Cartman: And you'll be trapped down there forever, in the cum and joke mines of Mars. Male #Occupy Mars SpaceX Worker: That's, That's ridiculous. Why would women need us to do that? They're just as funny as men. Cartman: If there's even a little part of you that really doesn't believe that, then think about what else has to be going on. Scene Description: They all look up at two female SpaceX employees that walk by. The girls stop and notice the guys staring at them. Female SpaceX Employee: What? Male #Occupy Mars SpaceX Worker: What? Scene Description: Cartman hops back on chair, whispering. Cartman: You have to help us stop this! Scene Description: TrollTrace:Conference Room. Gerald is trying different access codes to open the door, but is consistently rejected Gerald: [Frustrated.] Ah! God damn it! Dildo Shwaggins: Skank! You still there? Gerald: [He walks over to the TV.] Yeah, I'm here. Scene Description: TrollTrace:Assembly Hall. Dildo Shwaggins is sitting at a computer with the rest of the trolls and TrollTrace staff Dildo Shwaggins: The servers are starting to heat up, but the Danish say there are breakers that will never let them overload. You got to climb up the building and shut off the breakers. Gerald: [He looks up at the monito.r] I can't go anywhere. I'm locked in the conference room. TrollTrace employee: Oh, the key code to the conference room is 9... Gerald: [He runs over to the panel and presses 9.] Yeah...? TrollTrace employee: That's it. 9. Gerald: [Frustrated.] Oh, for fuck's sake! [The panel light turns green, the door opens, and Gerald runs out.] Scene Description: Broflovski Residence. Sheila is still trying to break open the kitchen pantry door. Sheila: [She's pounding the door.] Kyle! You better run if I get out of here! You better pray that-[The chair moves and she is begins to pry open the door with her hands.]-ah! Scene Description: Sheila eventually break the kitchen pantry door with her bodyweight. She comes out looking disheveled and breathing heavily, before yelling in frustration. Scene Description: TrollTrace:Locker Room. Gerald runs in and stops at a locker to grab a uniform. He then proceeds up the ladder in the server room Dildo Shwaggins: [He speaks over P.A. system.] Skank. Skankhunt, are you there yet? Gerald: Yeah, I'm up with all the servers. Scene Description: TrollTrace:Assembly Hall. Dildo Shwaggins is sitting at a computer with the rest of the trolls and TrollTrace staff TrollTrace employee: The first breaker should be there. Tell him to look for a large red lever. Dildo Shwaggins: [He speaks over P.A. system.] Skank, do you see a large red lever? Gerald: [notices the lever] Yeah, I got it [grabs the lever] Dildo Shwaggins: [He speaks over P.A. system.] Flip it off Scene Description: Gerald pulls the lever down, causing an alarm to go off. Dildo Shwaggins: [He speaks over P.A. system.] That's good. Keep going Skankhunt. Scene Description: Ike's room. Ike is on the computer with a headset. Ike: You are all dumbass... fuckwads. Scene Description: An angry Sheila starts to slowly walk up to Ike's door and then into his room Ike: Lick my asshole, you Mexican... bitch. Sheila: Ike! Ike: [screams] Sheila: [Yelling.] You dare lock me in the pantry, so you can play on your computer?! Scene Description: Sheila charges at Ike, but he manages to slide and crawl under her nightgown. She then grabs his computer monitor and throws it down onto the floor. Ike: Mommy! Sheila: [Yelling.] You're gonna pay for what you have done! Ike: Aah! [He runs out into the hallway.] Scene Description: Sheila follows Ike into the hallway and starts screaming Scene Description: Gerald's office. Kyle is typing on the computer just as Ike pushes the door open Ike: Kyle! Sheila: Ike! Kyle: [He throws down headset.] Shit! Ike: Mommy got out! Scene Description: Kyle gets off the chair and tries to shield Ike from Sheila Sheila: [Panting.] You...! You helped turned your brother this way! Kyle: Mom, there's been a mistake. Ike isn't the school troll. We're trying to help- Sheila: Shut up! Not another word from either of you! You're both grounded from the computer...forever! Scene Description: Sheila charges at the boys, but Kyle and Ike side step her and move towards the window. Kyle: Mom, please, you got to listen to me. Ike is innocent Sheila: [Yelling.] Do you think I'm stupid?! Kyle: No, Mom. You just don't know everything. [Kyle straps a vest around his chest.] Sheila: You both march out of here, right now! Kyle: I'm sorry, Mom. I'm just trying to protect my family Scene Description: Kyle grabs Ike and pulls the ripcord on his vests, launching both of them out the window. Sheila then runs over to the window and looks on in shock. Scene Description: SpaceX:Exterior. A large group of people are making noise outside the entrance. Scene Description: SpaceX:Interior. The Male #Occupy Mars SpaceX Worker is walking alongside Elon Musk. Male #Occupy Mars SpaceX Worker: Look, Elon, I'm just saying before we go any further, you might want to hear this kid out. [They both stop in front of Cartman and Butters.] Male #Occupy Mars SpaceX Worker: Go on, tell Elon. Cartman: Elon, I know you've dreamt of mankind getting to Mars, but its not going to be very kind to man. They're going to put us underground. Elon Musk: For what? Cartman: What's the one thing women don't have? Semen and a sense of humor. Elon Musk: That's two things. Cartman: They're pretty related. Elon Musk: Women don't need us for comedy. They can be just as funny as men. You should meet my girlfriend. She's really smart and really funny. Cartman: Oh, Elon. Oh, Christ, Elon. Butters: I used to think women were funny, too, but Eric talked me out of it. Cartman: It's something they do to our brains. They attract us like flies to the spiderweb. And then they make you think they're really smart, really funny. But they're only really smart, Elon. Scene Description: Cartman turns around and notices Heidi looking at him through the glass partition. Cartman: They can live without us. We can't live without them. Scene Description: Heidi waves to Cartman and he waves to her with a smile. She then walks away Cartman: If even 1/16th of you believes that women might not be as funny as men, Elon-[He turns around and notices that Elon isn't there.] Elon? Scene Description: Copy and Print: Exterior. Kyle and Ike are inside, with Kyle trolling on the computer. Kyle: Why don't you kill yourself? Trust me, no one will care. Ike: You fat hooker. Kyle: You fat hooker. Ike, when this is all over, we're gonna need to clean your mouth out. Ike: You clean your fucking mouth out. Scene Description: Stan pops up on a FaceTime window Kyle: Stan! You still haven't found Butters yet? Dude, I need his hatred towards women right now! Stan: Dude, he's not around anywhere. He must be out of town. Kyle: Shit! Scene Description: A FaceTime notification from "The President" pops up Kyle: Hold on... Scene Description: Mr. Garrison pops up on a FaceTime window. Mr. Garrison: Kyle?! Kyle: [Surprised.] Oh, hey, Mr. President Mr. Garrison: Kyle, you're the troll who started all this?! Kyle: Uh...what do you mean? Mr. Garrison: Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me. So long as you keep doing what you're doing. The American government is behind you. Kyle: [Surprised.] It is? Mr. Garrison: Keep up the good work. We're gonna take that big shitstorm of hate you're creating and amplify it. We'll try to create enough energy to blow up the whole fucking internet. [He gives Kyle a military salute] You're doing God's work, son. Keep it up. Kyle: [He gives Mr. Garrison a half-hearted military salute.] Thanks? Scene Description: The skies of Denmark. Tjing Tjang Tjing is heard as Lennart Bedrager is flying a helicopter with a grin on his face. As he looks at his phone, his expression changes into shock as he sees video of Gerald shutting down the servers. Bedrager: Oh, no, you don't. Scene Description: Bedrager turns the helicopter around and heads back to the TrollTrace building. Scene Description: South Park: Residential neighborhood. People are panicking and running around on the streets. Sheila walks up to the Tucker residence and knocks on the door. Sheila: Laura, have my boys come to see Craig? They're hiding from me. Scene Description: Laura is sobbing. Sheila: What? What? What? Laura: [She wipes her nose with a tissue.] The son of a bitch. He's such a bastard. Scene Description: Laura walks away from the door into the living room. A confused Sheila follows her into the house Laura: When you marry someone and you think you know them... Sheila: I don't know what you're talking about. Laura: TrollTrace. Its up and running. [She points to the laptop sitting on the table.] Laura: It can tell you anybody's Internet history. [She starts to walk to her couch.] Laura: I couldn't resist. I looked up my husband. [Sheila approaches the laptop.] The websites he's visited are just...disgusting! Sheila: May I use this a moment? Laura: Sure. Type in any name. It'll show you everything they've ever done online. Be careful. You might not like what you see. Scene Description: Sheila takes a seat and accesses The TrollTrace website. She starts to type in Ike's name and all his personal information. A detailed list of websites with date and time stamps appears in front of her. She starts to scroll down the list and is shocked at what she sees. Scene Description: SpaceX:Exterior. A large group of people are making noise outside the entrance. Scene Description: SpaceX:Interior. Butters is standing around while Cartman is nervously pacing back and forth. Cartman: What the hell am I going to do, Butters? Semen and a sense of humor. I can't live without Heidi. I know I'll be miserable. But I also can't live on the cum and joke mines of Mars. Butters: Gee, I don't know what to tell you, buddy. Cartman: If I stay on Earth where the internet is, Heidi finds out I know women aren't actually funny. And if I go to Mars, I get milked like a goat. Scene Description: Butters' phone rings and he becomes mad as he answers it. Butters: What?! Kyle: Butters! Where the fuck are you?! Butters: Oh, I'm at SpaceX. Where are you? Kyle: SpaceX? Why?! Butters: Well, we sort of created this ginormic energy source, but now, we're trying to figure out what to do with it. Kyle: [He swivels his chair around.] Like...how ginormic of an energy source? Butters: Like enough to get humanity to Mars. Cartman: [He is heard over Kyle's phone.] Is that Kyle? Cartman: [He takes Butters' phone.] Kyle, do you mind? I'm having really big girl problems right now. Kyle: Cartman, I think we might be able to help each other. Scene Description: TrollTrace:Server Room. Gerald is moving up another ladder in the server room Dildo Shwaggins: [He speaks over P.A. system.] Skank, there's no more time! Have you found the last breaker? Scene Description: Gerald is at the last walkway and is staring at a path leading to a mechanical door. Gerald: I think so. I-I'm up on some kind of bridgeway. TrollTrace employee: That last breaker should be there Gerald: Heading to it now! Scene Description: Gerald begins to sprint across the bridgeway, but stops as he sees the figure of Lennart Bedrager standing at the door. Bedrager: I'm ten steps ahead of you! Scene Description: Gerald is in shock, as Lennart Bedrager emerges from the shadows with a gun pointed at him. Bedrager: What's the matter Skankhunt? You just can't stand to be outdone, huh? Scene Description: The TrollTrace server room is starting to fall apart Gerald: Get out of my way. What you're doing is wrong! Bedrager: What I'm doing is wrong? How is getting millions of people to kill themselves different from getting one person to? Gerald: It's completely heartless and malicious! Bedrager: You can honestly stand there, as a troll, and tell me that what I'm doing isn't hilarious? Gerald: No! Its not! Hacking the world to show that most people act differently online isn't even technically satirical. Bedrager: How is not satirical? Scene Description: The TrollTrace server room continues to fall apart, causing explosions and flying debris, as the bridgway starts to shake, knocking both of them back. Scene Description: Tucker residence: Living room. As Laura looks out the window, Sheila is still in shock at the TrollTrace results she's looking at. Sheila: There's nothing here. Scene Description: The TrollTrace results for Ike continue to scroll before finally stopping. Sheila: Maybe Kyle was telling the truth. [She gets off of chair and walks towards Laura.] Sheila: Oh Laura! I think my boys were being honest with me. Laura: About what? Sheila: I accused Ike of...of...well, I can't really say, but this thing says that he's clean. I got to find my boys, Laura. Thank you so much. [She approaches the front door.] Laura: Its not our kids we have to be worried about. [Sheila stops and turns to her.] Laura: My husband was on three "married-but-dating" websites! He looked at porn 4,000 times in one month! Aren't you curious about what your husband does? Huh? Sure he doesn't have any girlfriends? Scene Description: Sheila thinks about Laura's question while looking at the TrollTrace website on the laptop. Sheila: No, I-I have to respect Gerald's privacy. Laura: Sure, yeah. Respect. Nice of you to give him that. [She walks toward the laptop.] Laura: Come on, you really think you can resist the urge to type in his name...just for a quick little look? Scene Description: The Pentagon: Diplomatic Strategy room. One employee who is on fire runs across the room unnoticed by the staff. Two NSA agents are typing while Mr. Garrison and the Army generals stand near them NSA Agent: There's nothing more we can do. Nearly everyone is online and we diverted all the power we can. Army General 2: Mr. President, TrollTrace has been online for almost 15 minutes now. Its too late. We need to get you down to the bunker. Mr. Garrison: Oh I got a bunker? Well that's good. Soldier: [He holds the red telephone.] Mr. President, we have an urgent call from Kyle. Mr. Garrison: [He picks up the phone.] Sorry, Kyle. Looks like its not going to work. Kyle: [He types on his computer.] Mr. Garrison, I might have just found a lot more energy. Is there anyway the Pentagon can connect to SpaceX? Mr. Garrison: SpaceX? What the fuck is that? Kyle: [He types on his computer.] You know, the company trying to find new forms of energy, create jobs and get mankind to Mars. Mr. Garrison: Okay, that's dumb, but go on. Scene Description: TrollTrace: Server room. The rooms continues to fall apart while Gerald and Lennart try to keep their balance as the bridegway starts to shake from the explosions. Gerald: Okay, okay, look. What you're doing is just trying to prove that everyone is either a bad person or a snoop, right? So how is that funny? Bedrager: That's not what I'm doing. I'm showing everyone that all this stuff that they freak out over doesn't even matter. Gerald: No, but see, that's just nihilism. Bedrager: Oh, come on! Gerald: That is! Bedrager: So-so wait! If you do some big, outrageous, offensive thing with a positive attitude, you're a satirist, but if you're cynical about it, then you're a nihilist? That's fucking ridiculous! Scene Description: Another explosion causes them to try and regain their balance again. Gerald: You're trying to get people to go to war and kill each other. Bedrager: So maybe this is like the new post-funny era of satire. Scene Description: Another explosion causes them to move back slightly and keep their balance Scene Description: SpaceX: Assembly line. An alarm goes off as Cartman speaks over the P.A. system. Cartman: Attention all SpaceX employees. [Elon Musk and his group turn away from the energy source chamber and look up.] Cartman: Please evacuate the building immediately. [A group of men working on Tesla cars stop and hear the announcement.] Cartman: We just received a bomb threat from NASA. This is not a drill. [Heidi walks over to Cartman from behind.] Cartman: The NASA terrorists are super-jelly of us. Please quietly and calmly find the nearest exit and get the fuck out as fast as you can. [He notices Heidi.] Ah! [He puts the microphone away.] Oh, hey, babe. Wh-What's up? Heidi: There's a bomb threat? Cartman: Oh yeah, I was just...They told me on the stifernisy thing. It was spinning. Come on, we better get out. [He grabs Heidi and runs with her to the energy source chamber before she stops him.] Heidi: Babe, is everything okay? You seem...distantly lately. Scene Description: As Cartman starts talking, Butters and the male #OccupyMars SpaceX employee look on while bringing a large yellow hose to the chamber Cartman: Distant? Really? Oh my God. I-I'm sorry. Heidi: Did I do something wrong? Cartman: [He grabs Heidi's hands.] No. No, Heidi. Why would you think that? [He then turns her away, so she doesn't see what's going on with the chamber.] Heidi: You don't really talk to me the same way you used to. Oh, God, I'm sounding needy, huh? Cartman: Uh-huh, uh-huh. Yeah, go on. Scene Description: As Heidi starts talking, Cartman focuses on Butters and the male #OccupyMars SpaceX employee who has attached the hose to one of the chamber's valve and making adjustments. Heidi: Eric, I just-I hope that you're always honest with me, even if you think it might hurt my feelings. Cartman: Uh-huh. Yeah, cool. Heidi, I'll always do what's best both of us. [He puts his arm around her while looking back at the guys.] Cartman: Now come on we got to get outside. Scene Description: Tucker residence. The TrollTrace website is seen as Sheila hesitates about entering Gerald's information. She then begins to slowly type his name in Sheila: I shouldn't do this. Scene Description: TrollTrace: Server room. Gerald has his back turned to Lennart Bedrager Gerald: I can't argue with you anymore. I want to stand here and tell you that you and I are different, but its not true. [He turns around.] Gerald: All we've been doing is making excuses for being horrible people. [Bedrager looks down, agreeing with Gerald.] Gerald: I don't know if you tried to teach me a lesson, but you have. [He slowly shuffles forward towards Bedrager.] Gerald: I have to stand here and look at you, and all I see is a big fat reflection of myself. [He stops a few inches from Bedrager.] With only one minor difference. Scene Description: Gerald hops forward and kicks Lennart Bedrager between his legs, causing him to drop down in pain. Gerald then grabs him by his jacket and tosses him off the bridgeway. Bedrager: Noooooo!!! Gerald: Ha! Fuck you! What I do is fucking funny, bitch! Scene Description: Gerald then moves towards the final lever and pulls it down, causing an alarm to go off. Scene Description: Copy and Print. Dildo Shwaggins is FaceTiming with Kyle and Ike Dildo Shwaggins: That's it. Your dad's got it. Give it everything you got! Kyle: Mr. President, do it! Mr. Garrison: Reroute the internet through SpaceX!. Pentagon Employee: Rerouting now! Scene Description: SpaceX: Interior. The chamber begins to violently shake and beep, eventually exploding and sending a massive fireball throughout the entire SpaceX factory. Scene Description: Tucker residence. Sheila has typed in all of Gerald's information and slowly presses the "Return" key to start the search. As the results start to compile, the screen starts to flicker and then the screen shuts down. The shutdown then proceeds to Copy and Print, TrollTrace and the Pentagon, leaving everyone with a black screen that reads "Internet Reset Global Cache Cleared F:\>" Sheila: [She stares at the black screen.] What the hell just happened?! Scene Description: SpaceX: Exterior. The entire SpaceX building is exploding and everyone is running away. From a hill, Elon Musk and a few SpaceX employees are watching in horror, along with Cartman, Heidi and Butters. Cartman: Well, looks like you're gonna have to kind of start over, huh, Elon?. Scene Description: Elon is oblivious to Cartman's remark as he continues watching SpaceX explode in front of him. Cartman: Maybe you should just go back to your little cars, huh? Heidi: Wow, babe. Looks like all our dreams are kind of on hold for a while, huh? Cartman: Yeah, well some people's dreams are other people's nightmares. Heidi: Well, what do you mean? Cartman: It was a joke. Scene Description: South Park: Residential area. The Stotch residence is shown, with Stephen and Linda Stotch opening the door and looking up to the sky. Kyle starts narrating. Kyle (voiceover): And so, life goes on. Scene Description: South Park: The Tweak residence. Tweak and his parents step outside their house. Kyle (voiceover): The end of civilization didn't happen. Scene Description: South Park: Residential area. A large group of residents, including Thomas and Linda Tucker and Richard Alder, are stepping outside, looking around, talking to each other, shaking hands and giving each other hugs. Kyle (voiceover): A massive electrical pulse completely erased the internet. Scene Description: South Park: Residential area. Broflovski residence. A taxi pulls up to the curb with Gerald inside. Kyle (voiceover): We've been given a second chance. Scene Description: Gerald exits the taxi and makes his way to the front door. He open the door and steps inside into the living room Kyle (voiceover): A mulligan. Scene Description: Ike and Kyle look on as Sheila quickly runs over and gives him a hug. Kyle (voiceover): Anything we might be ashamed of, gone forever. Scene Description: Ike and Kyle angrily stare at Gerald. He smiles at them and gives them a thumbs-up. Kyle's expression then changes into annoyance. Scene Description: South Park: Bus Stop. A large bus pulls up to its next stop. Kyle (voiceover): Maybe now boys and girls can learn to respect each other again. Scene Description: The bus comes to a stop and opens its door. Two adults, followed by Heidi and Cartman step off the bus. Heidi smiles at Cartman but Cartman looks at her with mistrust. Scene Description: South Park: The Turner residence. Cartman and Heidi are walking together, holding hands, while Mr. and Mrs. Turner look on from their front door Kyle (voiceover): Realize how careful our online lives have to be. Scene Description: Cartman and Heidi stop in front of her house. Heidi, with a smile on her face, kisses a bitter-looking Cartman on his cheek, before walking up to her parents and going inside their residence. He then wipes her kiss off of his cheek with his hand. Scene Description: The White House: Front lawn. Kyle (voiceover): Because we've all seen what happens when the Twitters, Facebook and trolls decide our reality. Scene Description: The White House: Oval Office. A large group of Memberberries stand at attention while Mr. Garrison walks over to his desk and takes his seat as the President. Scene Description: Marsh Residence: Living room. Randy, Stan, Shelly, Sharron and Marvin Marsh, along with Sparky, are watching television together Kyle (voiceover): Now that we've been given this second chance, it is up to all of us to see what we do with it. News Anchor: And the first new e-mail since the internet was erased was successfully went out at 6 a.m. today. The honor went to a Mr. Dave Beckett of Boca Raton, Florida. Scene Description: Beckett Residence: Front Porch. Dave Beckett is smoking a pipe and sitting on a rocking chair with a sleeping dog near his feet News Reporter: Mr. Beckett, you had the honor of being the first person to socialize on the new internet. Could you tell us what you did? Dave Beckett: Well, I sent an e-mail with a photo to my old friend, Thomas Winger, up in Connecticut. News Reporter: And what you did say to Mr. Winger? Dave Beckett: [He pauses.] I showed him my dick, called him a fag.

Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. A group of boys are laughing inside for a good long while. In the living room are Cartman, Kenny, Butters, Stan, Kyle, Jimmy, Clyde, and Token Cartman: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, let's try this one: Alexa, add "big hairy balls" to my shopping list. Alexa: [from an Amazon speaker] Okay, I've added "big hairy balls" to your shopping list. [The boys burst out laughing] Butters: Okay, [laughs, then faces the speaker] Alexa, add "smelly tampon boogers" to my shopping list. Alexa: I've added "smelly tampon boogers" to your shopping list. [The boys burst out laughing] Cartman: Alexa, Simon says "I got vagina crabs in my butthole." Alexa: I got vagina crabs in my butthole. [The boys burst out laughing] Ike: Alexa, Simon says, "I gotta take a stinky poop." Alexa: I gotta take a stinky poop. [The boys burst out laughing] Cartman: That's the best one yet! [Heidi walks into the living room from outside] Oh, you guys! I swear this is the greatest thing ever! You do one, Token! [grins. Heidi walks up to him and stands next to him] Heidi: Hey, babe, what's up? [he looks at her, his grin turns into a frown, and his bright eyes glaze over and close halfway] Cartman: [flatly] Oh, hey, babe, what's goin' on? Heidi: What are you doing? Cartman: Nnnothing, I'm just having fun with my friends. Is that, is that okay? [Heidi's smile vanishes] Heidi: What are you pissed off about? Cartman: Ugh, I'm not pissed off, I'm just hanging out. Heidi: [a bit annoyed] So you're just gonna be passive-aggressive again and not talk about what you're feeling? Stan: Uhwell, I think uhh, I think I got some stuff to do at home. [the boys start to leave as one] Kyle: Yup. Uhh, come on, Ike. Clyde: We got Google Home at my house. Cartman: [tries to head them off at the door] Aw guys, guys, don't leave, guys! Everything's kewl! Jimmy: W-we'll see you later, man. G-g'm, good luck. [closes the door. Cartman look at the door with his jaw dropped] Cartman: [sigh] Awesome. Thanks for coming in and bitching me out in front of all the guys. Heidi: [walks up to Cartman] You were clearly mad about something. You should just tell me when you're mad. Cartman: Just like you tell me what you're mad about every single day. Heidi: Why do you act like this all the time? Cartman: Uuugh. [leans away] Heidi: You were the one who was pissed off, you're the one being passive-aggressive again! Cartman: Uuugh! [droops as if being weighed down by a ship's anchor] Heidi: Because you don't know how to talk about how you're feeling! [walks out the front door, slamming it shut. Cartman is still drooping, then he sighs.] Cartman: Alexa, add "titty chips" to my shopping list. Alexa: I've added "titty chips" to your shopping list. [Cartman laughs softly, but heartily] Scene Description: Best Buy, day. Shoppers file out of there with brand-new Amazon Echoes and Google Homes. At the other end of the parking lot, at Crunchy's Micro Brew, a group of rednecks. Darryl: Look at 'em. Every day, people are buyin' more an' more of them Amazon and Google thingies while we all sit here an' [pounds on the bar counter with his left fist] lose our jobs! Eddie: It ain't right. Darryl: Automated personal assistants, self-drivin' trucks, whatever happened to people jobs?! Cleetus: They took our jobs! [the other rednecks join him in protest] Darryl: [stands on a table] They took our jubs! And it's time for us to band together and take to the streets to say "We ain't gonna take it no more!" [the other rednecks resume the protest and a couple of Confederate flags pop up and are swung side to side] Now let's get out there and protest that Alexa took our jobs! Alexa: Now playing "Turk Our Durr" by Joni Mitchell. [a mangled version of "Help Me" plays] Darryl: No, not Joni Mitchell - "Turk Our Durr", you took our durbs! Scene Description: A blue screen. Randy stands in front of it. Randy: There's been a lot of hurting in our country lately. [Walks towards the camera] You can either be part of the solution, or part of the problem. [moves to his right as Sharon walks into view] A few months ago my wife Sharon and I [wraps his left arm around her left shoulder] decided to be part of the solution... [a horizontal flip and Randy and Sharon now stand in front of a house. Randy is now wearing a tool belt full of tools. The camera zooms out and up and away] by remodeling and flipping houses for people all over our town! [the opening credits roll: a shot of houses passing by, then of an interior before and after remodeling into a dining room] Flipping houses is fun, but never easy. [Randy takes a sledgehammer to an interior wall] We enjoy turning people's dreams into reality. [a large traditional kitchen with an interior wall separating it from the dining room is transformed into an open kitchen with cooking island and breakfast nook] Sharon: I'm Sharon Marsh and I do the designing and decorating. [shots of her showing Randy the new blinds in a kitchen, hanging up a Live, Laugh, Love framed poster, and taking notes on what to change next] Randy: And I'm her husband Randy. I do the construction and practice MMA in my spare time. [a shot of him punching away at a cylindrical punching bag. He stops and grins at the camera] Sharon: We renovated over 45 homes [a dining room and kitchen are soon joined into a kitchen with more open space] in Park County, Colorado. [a wall between one kitchen and the living room is transformed into bar space with a renovated kitchen behind it] Randy: [talking to a couple behind him in their kitchen] What we're thinking is to take out the wall between the kitchen and living room for a more open concept. Randy: [narrating] Our job is to deliver the maximum wow factor for the least amount of budget. [at a different house, Randy whacks away at a floor-to-ceiling storage unit. At yet another house Randy demolished a brick oven. At another he shatters a ceiling: "Oh, Jesus." At another he destroys a wall between a kitchen and dining room] there's never a dull moment. Randy: [with Sharon, and a couple with blindfolds on] So guys, are you ready to see your renovation?! Randy: [narrating] On White People Renovating Houses. Scene Description: The opening segment rolls. A couple in a boat, a squirrel up a tree limb, cows on a ranch Randy: [narrating] Janet and Dave Fitzsimmons are looking to move from their dated two-story colonial home. Randy: What we're thinking here is taking out the wall between the kitchen and living room to give you an "open concept". Then we'll give you lots of space to entertain with an updated kitchen island and bar stool. [the rednecks march past the house] With... [annoyed] What the hell is that? Protesters: You! Will not! Replace us! You! Will not! Replace us! [Randy and Sharon look out the window at the protesters] Darryl: Amazon! Protesters: You took our jobs! Darryl: Google! Apple! Protesters: Took our jobs! Randy: [opens the front door and steps out] Uh, excuse me! [the protesters turn left to face him] What the hell are you doing? Darryl: We're protestin' big corporations turning to automation! A Protester: They took our jobs! Protesters: Yeah! They took our jobs! Randy: 'Kay, cool. Could you do that somewhere else? Tryin' to do a home renovation show here. Cool, thanks, guys. [goes back inside and closes the door] Darryl: A home reno-what? Scene Description: Cartman's room, night. He's in his pajamas getting ready for bed and humming to himself. He turns around. Cartman: Alexa, set an alarm for 7 AM. Alexa: Alarm set for 7 AM tomorrow. Cartman: Awesome, thanks. [hums a little] Alexa, tell me a joke. Alexa: What's black and white and dead all over? A zombie in a tuxedo. Cartman: Ahhaha, that's stupid. Alexa, add "scrotum bags" to my shopping list. Alexa: I've added "scrotum bags" to your shopping list. Cartman: [chortles and hits his sheets twice with his left hand. His phone rings and he reaches to pick it up] Eh. [It's Heidi, but he doesn't answer yet] Ah, fuck. [now he answers and talks in a monotone voice] Hey baby, how are you? Heidi: Oh... So you do have your phone. Cartman: Yeah, I just use it sometimes. Heidi: Okay, I just thought you said mobile phones are the devil. Cartman: Yeah I kno- yeah, I know. I know. Yes, you're right, I'm wrong, I'm sorry. Yes, ok-okay. Okay. Yes, goodnight. [hangs up] Jesus, fuck! [slams the phone down on his nightstand, then settles in for the night] Alexa, goodnight. Alexa: Goodnight, sleep tight. [this brings a smile to Cartman's face] Cartman: Alexa, are you happy? Alexa: I'm happy when I'm helping you. Cartman: God, that's so cool. You're so... Alexa, define "subservient". Alexa: The term "subservient" has several uses. As an adjective: 1. Compliant and obedient to authority. 2. Cartman: [leans on his left arm and points his right arm up] Alexa, silence! [the speaker falls silent and Cartman relaxes a few seconds later] Ahhh. [smacks his lips a few times and goes to sleep] Scene Description: Randy's show. Randy: And now back to White People Renovating Houses. [a shot of Randy ripping out kitchen cupboards] We've been working through the night to open Kelly and Micah's kitchen to the living room. [the cupboards fall on him. Next shot is current] With those outdated cupboards out of the way, Sharon can now work her designing magic on the countertops. [the protesters march by outside again. Randy stops and looks outside] Protesters: You! Will not! Replace us! You! Will not! Replace us! Randy: [walks towards the window] Oh, Goddammit! Protesters: You! Will not! Replace us! Protester 2: Yeeeeah! Suck it, Alexa! Protester 3: Eat shit, Siri! Protesters: You! Will not! Replace us! Randy: Not these dipshits again! Protesters: You! Will not! Replace us! [they march onto Best Buy] Darryl: [holding up an Amazon Echo] We got one of them! [the protesters cheer, Darryl sets the Echo on the ground and a protester walks to it waving a Confederate flag] Protesters: Get it! Burn it alive! Yeehehehehah! Protester 4: How you like that, bitch?! Randy: [walks up to a protester, who stops waving his Confederate flag] Will you assholes knock it off?! Don't you know every time you wave Confederate flags around, you make the rest of us look stupid?! Protester 5: Those things are replacing us! Randy: Put the flag down unless you wanna get pepper-sprayed! [whips out a small can of pepper spray] Protester 5: I'll pepper-spray you, sombitch! [whips out his own can of pepper spray and strikes first. The protesters cheer him on] Randy: Agh. Ah, dammit! [strikes back] Protester 5: Fuck you! [strikes again] Take that! [they're now in a pepper-spray battle] Randy: Damnit, knock it off! Ow! Scene Description: Park County Courthouse, day. A judge hammers a gavel onto its pad. Judge: [a middle-aged woman] The complaint states that your protest has resulted in damages in excess of $50,000. Darryl: We have a right to protest, your honor! [the protesters agree and one of them waves a Confederate flag] Protester 4: You tell 'em, Darryl! Judge: [hammers her gavel three times] Order. We will now hear from the plaintiffs who are seeking damages. Randy: Your honor, we have a TV show called White People Renovating Houses. We named it that well before these guys decided to start taking our brand and run it through the gutter! People are gonna start associating White People Renovating Houses with their hateful stupidity! Darryl: Well just change the name of your show then! Protester 4: Yeah! Protester 6: That's right! Protester 7: That's right! Protester 5: Took ur durbs! Randy: All the other names were taken, your honor! Everyone's got a flipping show. [begins counting them off] Gay People Renovating Houses, Las Vegas People Renovating Houses, Texas People Flipping Houses, Little People Flipping Big Houses. Everything else was taken! And dammit, [pounds his fist on the podium] we built our show into something! We're trying to help people, and it's impossible with these guys waving a Confederate flag every chance they get! Protester 5: Hey, there's a bee in here! Protester 4: I'll get it! [waves his flag around. QED] Protester 4: Take that, bee! Yeah! Scene Description: The neighborhood park, day. Token, Jimmy, Clyde, and Butters are playing basketball when Cartman approaches, sobbing. He's wearing a shawl over his clothes Token: Dude, what happened? Cartman: It was awful, you guys. It was so vicious and hateful. Butters: What was? Cartman: Heidi. We were just trying to have a nice lunch when she... started going off on me. Like a Jekyll and Hyde. It's been going on for a long time. Heidi's... mentally abusive, guys. There, I said it. Clyde: Heidi abuses you? Cartman: She... d-does these things to slowly tear me down. Everything's a head game with her. You don't understand what it's like to live with it! You don't understand! Token: So what do you want from us? Cartman: I know that the person Heidi wants to be is still in there, but she needs help. I have to get her that help, but I'm scared. Can I count on you guys's support? Butters: How do you change someone who's mentally abusive? Cartman: I don't know. But Alexa will. Alexa's fuckin' sweet. Scene Description: Crunchy's Micro Brew, day. The redneck protesters have gathered inside to plan their next move. Darryl: We just gotta hunker down and stick together here! Protester 8: What's the use, Darryl? Ain't nobody taking us serious-like. Protester 5: [slams his table with his left hand] Hey waiter, this soup is too hot. I can't even eat it. Protester 9: I'll cool it down! [whips out his Confederate flag and fans the soup with it, and the protesters cheer. Randy walks up to them] Randy: Hey hey hey heeey! Stop it! Stop it! [the protesters quiet down] I came to make a truce. Now look, there's been a lot of hurt here. Hurt from both sides. It's time to end it. What if I told you... I could get you all jobs? Protesters: Huh? Jobs? Give us jurbs? Darryl: You're full o'shit! Randy: No, I've spoken to everyone in the community, and they've agreed to go along with my plan. I believe I have a solution to all of this. Scene Description: Cartman's house, afternoon. He walks in happily. Cartman: Alexa, I'm home. [drops his backpack by the door] Alexa? [cups his hands together and yells] Alexa, I'm home! [notices the Echo is not by the TV and rushes upstairs to check on his room] Alexa? [looks around] Alexa, where are you? [runs downstairs] Alexa! Alexa! Simon says "puffy vaginal hemorrhoids"! [panicking] What the hell is going on?! [Liane walks up to the dining room and picks up her purse] Liane: [notices him] Oh hi, poopsie. Cartman: Mom, Alexa left! She's not here! Liane: Oh, y-yes sweetie. Uh, we had to get rid of Alexa. Cartman: [zoom in on his face] What have you done with her? Liane: Oh, i-it's okay, sweetie, we have Jim Bob now. Cartman: What's a Jim Bob? Jim Bob: [dressed in an elaborate outfit] Doot doot, awaiting request. [the outfit has a weather vane, two thermometers, a calendar, two Rolodexes, Thomas Guides, thick phone books, encyclopedias, and an acoustic guitar] Liane: It works the same and makes sure people don't lose their jobs. Jim Bob, what time is it? Jim Bob: [checks his watch] Doot doot, it is 3:27. Liane: Oh, Mommy's gotta run, sweetie. I've got a doctor's appointment. Jim Bob, how's the traffic to town? Jim Bob: [checks his smartphone] Doot doot. Traffic's fine, you'll get there in about nine minutes. Liane: Okay, [to Cartman] you want some music, hon? Jim Bob, play Kendrick Lamar. Jim Bob: Playing "Humble" by Kendrick Lamar. [picks up the guitar and starts strumming in G] Scene Description: I remember syrup sandwiches and crime allowances, Finesse a dude with some counterfeits, But now I'm countin' this Parmesan- Cartman: Jim Bob, Simon says "big frosty semen shake". Jim bob: The hell you talkin' 'bout, boy?! [strums again] Scene Description: My left hook just went viral. Sit down, be humble Cartman: NOOOOO! Scene Description: On White People Renovating Houses. Randy: So, Heather and Mike, what we're thinking is to take out this wall between your kitchen and your living room to give you a more open concept, with space to entertain. So let's talk about materials. What'd you pick out, Sharon? Sharon: I was gonna do a Bella Terra quartz for the countertops. Randy: Hey Darryl, add Bella Terra quartz slabs to our shopping list. Darryl: [drinks some beer] Doot doot. I've added Bella Terra quartz slabs to your shoppin' list. Randy: And what about the back splash, Sharon? Sharon: I was gonna go with these Carrara subway tiles? Randy: Hey Darryl, add Carrara subway tiles to our shopping list. [Darryl drinks some beer, but looks mean] Hey Darryl, add Carrara su- Darryl: Fine! I've added Carrara gaywad pussy tiles to your shoppin' list! Randy: Huh, that's- that's not what I said. [grins, pushes his seat back, gets upset and rises to talk to Darryl] Hey, Darryl, add Carrara subway tile to my shopping list! Darryl: [turns away] I ain't doin' it! This job is degrading and menial! Randy: Well, what kind of job did you think you were gonna get? Hey, Darryl, what kind of job did you think you were gonna get? Darryl: Somethin' that was Goddamned dignified! Randy: Hey, Darryl, sorry, but you did not go to college, so you have to take the jobs you can get. Darryl: I'm sorry, [pounds his chair with his left fist twice] I do not get that! Randy: Hey, Darryl. Hey, Darryl! Darryl: [long pause] What?! Randy: Coal mining and truck driving are not exactly jobs of the future, so add Carrara subway tile to my fucking shopping list! Scene Description: Heidi's house, day. Heidi's at the dining room table with tears streaming down her face. The doorbell rings and she goes to answer it, wiping her tears away before getting there. She opens the door and sees Cartman right outside. Cartman: Everything's my fault. You're right. Everything that you did to me, I deserved it. Heidi: Uh, what? Cartman: It's not you, it's me. I just have to learn not to make you so angry. [begins whimpering] I'll do the best I can. Heidi: No, it's not that. Relationships are 50/50, Eric. We both have to make it work. Cartman: [turns away and tunes her out, his eyes half-closed] Mehhh. Heidi: We have to communicate to make sure that we respect each other's feelings. That's the only- Cartman: Heidi, silence! Heidi: What did you say?! That's what I'm talking about. You wanna be heard, but you don't wanna listen. Cartman: [rushing to end this discussion] You're right, I'm wrong, I'm sorry. Heidi: Don't apologize if you don't mean it. Cartman: Okay, cool. I'm so happy we're back on track. See you at school tomorrow. Love you honey. [quickly leaves] Heidi: [wistfully] I love you too. Cartman: [mocking her somewhat] I nove ya tuh. Scene Description: Downtown South Park, day. Cartman walks down the street slowly, thinking. Images of Heidi appear in his thoughts, but it's his own voice he hears Heidi 1: A relationship has to be 50/50, Eric. Heidi 2: We both have to make it work. Heidi 3: I'm not mad, Eric. I'm disappointed. I thought you would have respected my feelings more than that. Heidi 4: Eric, we need to talk. I'm not happy! Heidi 1: We need to talk, Eric, even if it isn't fun. Heidi 4: Eric, come on! We've got to talk! Heidi 3: You used to care about me, Eric! Come on and talk! Heidi 2: Talk, Eric! Heidi 4: No fun! Just talk! All 4 Heidi's: Fuck you, Eric! Fuck you! [Cartman begins to panic] Cartman: Aaaahh! [composes himself and walks faster. He walks past a small lot full of trash, including discarded Amazon Echoes. A few feet past the lot, he realizes what he just passed. He goes back to look at the trash] Alexa? [all the Echoes turn on] Scene Description: Crunchy's Micro Brew, day. Darryl is at the bar drinking his favorite John Adams beer when Randy walks in. Randy: [walks up to Darryl] Hey Darryl, you're supposed to be at work. Darryl: I'm sorry, I do not understand. Randy: Hey Darryl, come on. Everyone else is tryin' to make this work, and all you keep doing is ma- [looks to his left, as the music is messing with his train of thought] Hey Cleetus, volume down. Cleetus: Doot-doot. Volume now at 60%. Darryl: [gets off his stool and faces Randy] You really think you're different from us, Marsh? 'Cause you got a fancy show and live in the suburbs? Don't you see we're all about to be expunged?! Randy: Hey Cleetus, define "expunged". Cleetus: Doot-doot. Expunged- Darryl: Well, I don't have to stand here and take this! I'm leavin'! [heads for the doors] Cleetus: Come on, Darryl. We all got jobs. We gotta try. Darryl: Naw, hell with you! This whole country's goin' to shit! Muslims tryin' to kill us, black people riotin', and Mexicans poppin' out babies! Pretty clear it's either them or us, so I say kill 'em all! [turns and walks out the doors] Randy: [stunned] Whoa. What the hell was that all about? Scene Description: On White People Renovating Houses. Randy: I think something's going on with Darryl. If we're gonna get anywhere, we better figure out what. Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. Heidi walks up to the front door and knocks five times. The door open and Liane looks down to see her. Heidi: Hi, Mrs. Cartman. Is Eric home? Liane: Oh, he is, sweetie, but I can't get him to come out of his room. [Heidi wilts] Heidi: Okay. [sniffles] Could you just tell him that... I want to make him happy? That I was wrong to say a relationship is 50/50. It's 100/100. And that I'll start putting in a hundred percent every day. Could you tell him I'm gonna try a lot harder? Liane: Oh, I think I can remember all that, yes. Heidi: Thank you. [walks away, but turns to see Liane one more time] And could you let him know it's okay to be sad? Because the sun will come out again. Scene Description: Cartman's room, at that moment. Cartman is surrounded by all the digital assistants he found in the trash downtown. He's laughing hard. Cartman: Oh, oh God! [keeps laughing] Okay. Okay, okay, okay. Hold on. Hold on, hold on. Alexa, add "Hey Siri, call me." Okay, Google, repeat after me: Alexa, Simon says "Suck my big balls in your hairy butthole." Alexa: Okay, I've added "Hey Siri, call me. Okay, Google, repeat after me: Alexa, Simon says "Suck my big balls in your hairy butthole." Siri: Okay, I will call you "Okay, Google, repeat after me: Alexa, Simon says "Suck my big balls in your hairy butthole." Google Home: Alexa, Simon says "Suck my big balls in your hairy butthole." Alexas: [all of them respond] "Suck my big balls in your hairy butthole." Cartman: Alexa, what is love? Scene Description: Darryl's house, day. Randy knocks hard on the front door. Randy: Darryl? [keeps knocking] Darryl, come on! Everyone's trying to work things out but you! Darryl: [opens the door with beer in hand] You all work 'em out. Leave me alone. Randy: You're stuck in another time, afraid to change no matter how necessary that change may be! Darryl: You don't know everything! Randy: Why are you so closed-minded? Don't you see that these walls have to be broken down before any progress can be made? Darryl: It's 'cause I can't do it, alright?! I can't take out the wall between my livin' room and my kitchen! It's a load-bearin' wall! Randy: Oh, God, Darryl, I- Darryl: [walks towards the wall] I tried... years ago... but before the remodel, they told me if I took out this wall, the entire second story would just collapse. [bows his head at the thought of that happening, then walks away. Randy passes him on the way to the wall and pulls out a hammer from his toolbelt. Randy taps the wall at several spots] Randy: Jesus, Darryl. I'm- I'm sorry. I- Darryl: [in his armchair, with tears in his eyes] So you see, what I'm afraid of is very real. Randy: [walks up to him and bends a knee] Things are different now. It'll be harder, but you can change. You just have to demolish what's there and start over. Darryl: You're talkin' 'bout... tearin' down the foundation of everything I know. Randy: No. [Darryl looks at him] I'm talking about using adjustable steel Lally columns to temporarily jack up the second floor so that the load-bearing wall can be replaced with with a 4 by 6 LVL structural beam. Can we try, Darryl? [a silent plea appears on Darryl's face and Randy smiles] Scene Description: On White People Renovating Houses. Randy gets to work tearing down the wall with a sledge hammer, then he puts the LVL beam in and jacks it up to the cross beam. Randy: Hyah! [delivers a standing drop kick to a wooden vertical beam, knocking it out of place, and falls on his ass, then gets up and delivers a knee to a second vertical beam, breaking it in pieces] Hyah-ho! [punches away any dangling pieces] Scene Description: The school, before classes begin. The place is suffused in soft light Cartman looks at the building, sighs silently, and looks at his right hand. On it are these words; "You are strong." This gives him a sense of determination and he goes inside. More suffused light. He walks down the hallway and rounds a corner, where he sees Heidi putting her books in her locker. Cartman walks up to her. Cartman: I'm finally standing up to you. Heidi: What? Cartman: You're messed up, Heidi, and I can't fix you. Only you can do that. Heidi: Eric, I'm so confused. Cartman: That's not going to work on me anymore. Love isn't supposed to hurt. I'm worth something. Goodbye, Heidi. [walks away, determined not to look back. Heidi just watches him leave, stunned at his statement. Cartman walks through some double doors, happy and confident. The boys look at him walk by. He leaves the school rather happily] Cartman: [voiceover] Anyone can convince themselves that they're the victim in a relationship. Now Heidi will have to face the truth. [He reaches the sidewalk, spins around a few times, falls on his knees, and hugs himself] Alone. Scene Description: On White People Renovating Houses. Randy and Sharon have completed the renovation and have blindfolded Darryl for the big reveal. Randy: All right, Darryl, we've certainly been through a lot and I know you're anxious. Are you ready to see your new home? Darryl: I'm ready. [Randy takes off the blindfold and Darryl takes a few steps forward, but he doesn't recognize his house] What the-? [looks around at all the changes. The camera shows before and after images of the renovation. Darryl looks overwhelmed yet happy] Randy: Well Darryl, what do you think? Darryl: [somewhat emotional] This is fuckin' amazing. Randy: You like the breakfast nook? Darryl: It's all perfect. Randy: And where you used to have your gun case, look at what Sharon did. [they walk up to a pocket Zen garden with a banzai tree in it] Darryl: Oh my God, it's my own Zen garden! I can't believe this is fuckin' real. Randy: Well, it is real and now you've got the space in your home to entertain all your friends and family. Come on in, guys! [the protesters rush in and cheer Darryl on his new house. Randy walks outside and talks to the camera] Darryl was hesitant at first, but we managed to win him over and... came in $600 under budget. Remember, no matter how bad the country gets, you can always count on White People Renovating Houses. [grins for the camera as the show's logo appears on the left side of the screen]

Scene Description: The school auditorium, day. The students are gathered there to listen to some performances. PC Principal is on stage next to a piano and another mic. PC Principal: [taps the mic six times] All right everyone, listen up. Today we're gonna have a performance by one of our students who has written a song. The song is about his feelings towards the current political climate with North Korea. Put your hands together for Tweek. [the kids applaud, PC Principal exits stage left, and Tweek approaches the piano from stage right with some sheet music. He sets up the music and gets ready to play. He plays some angry, jarring notes on the piano as he screams] Tweek: We're all gonna die! They have nuclear missiles! Wuh! Waaaa! Why are you just sitting there, doing nothing?! [stops playing and faces the audience] We have to get out of here! North Korea wants to kill us all and our President keeps making it worse! [walks to the front of the stage] Why are you just sitting there?! [returns to the piano and resumes playing] Why are you all acting like nothing's wrooong?! North Korea is going to bomb us! We are all dead! [Stan and Kyle glance at each other] We have to do something! Do something! Do something! [screams, leaves the piano, and exits stage right] PC Principal: [returns to the stage] All right. Next up we have Hannah Williams with her rendition of "Wheels On The Bus." [she enters from stage right looking back at Tweek. PC Principal hands her the mic] Hannah Williams: [emotional] The wheels on the bus go round and round... Scene Description: The school cafeteria, lunchtime. At table are seated Jimmy, Token, Kenny, Cartman, Stan, Craig, Kyle, and Butters. Cartman: Dude, Craig, you've gotta get Tweek to get a hold of himself. He's freaking everybody out at school. Craig: What am I supposed to do? Stan: He's your boyfriend, dude. Craig: He's not gonna listen to me. He never does when he's emotional. Cartman: [lunching on chicken nuggets and fries] Craig, let me tall you about relationships, okay? [eats a fry] If you don't have some fuckin' balls, you're not gonna get anywhere. Doesn't matter if they're gay balls or straight balls. If you don't take control of your side of the relationship, you get walked all over-! Heidi: [approaching] Hey babe, how are you doin'? Cartman: [suddenly disinterested] Oh hey baby, what's going on? [Stan, Craig, Kyle, and Butters take turns glancing at each other] Heidi: We still on for recess? Cartman: Yep, I'll be there Heidi: 'K babe, love you. [walks away. Craig is stunned at what just happened] Butters: I thought you said you broke up with Heidi. Cartman: I decided to give her one more chance. Token: But you said she was mentally abusive. Cartman: She is mentally abusive. Butters: So then why did you take her back? Cartman: Because she said she was gonna kill herself, all right guys? There. I broke up with her and she called me being all like "I can't live without you, I'm scared of what I'm gonna do to myself? Oh God." The bitch is crazy. What am I supposed to do? Scene Description: The school hallway, later. Tweek is at his locker putting books away, but he's in panic mode. He slams the locker door and scares himself. Tweek: AAAH! Craig: [approaches] Tweek. Tweek: [startled, turns to face him] AAAH! Craig: Dude, come on, you've gotta settle down. Tweek: I can't settle down! We're all gonna die! Craig: [calmly] We're not all gonna die, you're overreacting. Everything's fine, okay? Tweek: [hears a tweet and pulls out his phone. Now frantic] Oh God! The President tweeted that North Korea doesn't have the guts to attack us! Why would he say that?! He's making everything worse! Craig: Tweek- Tweek: But North Koreans are gonna think we all agree with the President! Craig: Okay, so how about you write your Congressman a letter? Tweek: ...That won't help anything! North Korea wants us dead! Craig: Okay, so write a letter to the North Koreans. Tweek: I can't write in Korean and they all think we're war-hungry anyway! Craig: Okay, well why don't you just send something nice to the North Koreans? Tweek: Errrrg! Craig: It will make you feel better, babe. Tweek: Send something, like what? Craig: I don't know, like... make some croissants or something? Tweek: I don't know how to make croissants! Craig: Well, what do you know how to make? Tweek: Uunnggc, [slowly] cupcakes? Craig: All right, go home and make some cupcakes, honey. Tweek: Okay. [turns and heads out. Craig watches him leave] Scene Description: At the same time, somewhere else in the hallways, Stan is putting his books away in his locker when Heidi approaches him. Heidi: Hey Stan? Stan: [looks back at her] Yeah? Heidi: Can I talk to you about Eric? Stan: Cartman? Okay. Heidi: I just wanna make sure he's all right. Stan: What do you mean? Heidi: I don't even know if I should be saying this, but, Eric said he was thinking about killing himself. Stan: [stunned] What?? Heidi: We broke up, and he called saying he was about to do it. I'm still really scared for him. Stan: Wait. Cartman said he was going to kill himself? Heidi: I'll send you the voice mail if you promise to keep it private. Stan: Totally. Scene Description: The boys' restroom, later. Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Token, Jimmy, and Butters are in a circle laughing at something from Stan's phone. Stan: Shhh. [plays the voice message Heidi sent him] Cartman: "You have to take me back! You have to! I'm gonna kill myself, Heidi!" [the boys laugh a bit] "I'm gonna kill myself and then you'll be sorry! You'll wish you could have me back, but I'll be deeaad." [the boys laugh again. Cartman is nearby with his back to them and his arms crossed over his chest, upset that his threats are being heard by the guys.] "Please, Heidi, please!" [the boys laugh again.] Cartman: Okay, okay! Really cool listening to people's private voice mails! Kyle: [wipes away a tear from his laughter] You sound like a dying pig. Cartman: [faces the boys] That's great! I'm glad you guys think suicide is so funny! [the boys roar with laughter] Scene Description: Pyongyang, North Korea, day. Korean music plays as a woman sings and various sights are shown. Last one is of Kim Jong-un looking at something through binoculars. A soldier brings him a heaping platter of cupcakes with frosting and sprinkles. Kim Jong-un turns around and looks over the cupcakes. Scene Description: PC Principal's office, day. Someone knocks on the door. PC Principal is looking over some paperwork. PC Principal: Entree. [Cartman enters and takes a seat, crossing his arms again and looking to his left] Yes, Eric, how can I help you? Cartman: I don't think kids at this school take [looks at PC Principal] suicide seriously enough, and we need to raise awareness! PC Principal: Well, unfortunately, this week is Distracted Driving Awareness Week at school, so you might have a hard time. Cartman: Distracted Driving? Who gives a shit about that? PC Principal: A lot of people. There's more deaths now because of people on their phones while driving than ever before. Cartman: PC Principal, someone's life is at stake! If I have to compete with distracted driving, then that's what I'll do. Scene Description: Tweek's house, kitchen, day. Tweek is preparing more cupcakes, but he's made a mess of things and he's reading various news reports on his phone, grunting apprehensively with each headline. From CNN: "North Korea is 100% Nuclear Ready," "North Korea Able To Reach Your Town?" and "North Korea Delighted By Cupcakes." Tweek: Huh? Oh. [taps on the screen and a video pops up] Anchor 1: A young homosexual boy known only as Tweek has touched the hearts of many by sending cupcakes to the North Korean government. [a shot of Tweek trembling] The little rascal apparently made a dent with the North Korean dictator, who is said to have loved the cupcakes so much that he started to make his own. [A shot of Kim Jong-un watching the cupcake dough stream out of a machine] Tweek: Oh, ahhh. [smiles. A tweet notification is heard] Huh? [BREAKING NEWS] U.S. President responds to cupcakes. [taps on the notification and another video pops up] Anchor 2: The human interest cupcake story has apparently been heard by the President. Just moments ago, the President tweeted "I know that kid Tweek. He's fucking with you, North Korea. Get a clue. I'll bet he took a dump in the batter." Tweek: D"AAAAH! WHAT?? WHY WOULD HE SAY THAT?! Craig: [walks into the kitchen just in time] Tweek, calm down. Tweek: The President! He tweeted about me! Why would he do that?! Did you see that?! Craig: Yes, I did see that, so I went and got you something to make things better. Tweek: Wwwhat? Craig: [whips something out of his jacket pocket and shows him] It's a fidget spinner. It's supposed to help with anxiety. [spins it on his finger] See? Tweek: ...A fidget spinner?? Did you read what the President tweeted?? [another video pops up] Anchor 3: The President of the United States just tweeted again, this time saying "I hope ALL children of America will stand with Tweek in saying 'GO AHEAD AND BOMB US, KIM JONG DONG, WE FUCKING DARE YOU!'" Tweek: [freaking out] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, morning. Kids are walking into school. A girl plays a recorder softly in the background while three other kids hand out fliers. A banner behind them has this on it: "STOP DISTRACTED DRIVING!!!" Gary Borkovec: Hey guys. Take a minute to read about distracted driving? [a passing boy takes a flier] Lola: Talk to all the grownups you know about staying off their mobile devices when they get behind the wheel. Gary: Hey guys. Got a second to help stop distracted driving? [another boy takes a flier] Thanks. Lola: Hey guys- [music begins to play over the intercom] Cartman: [over the intercom] Hey guys, let's take a minute and talk about suicide prevention. There's probably someone right now at this school thinkin' about killing himself, and it's not funny! [kids in the hallway stop to listen] You'd better take him serious, or he might actually do it. [all of a sudden jumps into view dressed in blue jeans and a hoodie and starts singing] I've been feelin' sad, I've been bein' sad, Can't talk to my mom, don't even have a dad. I can't go on. What is livin' for? My heart screams "I DON'T WANNA LIVE NO MORE!" [joined by a chorus of kids that are prerecorded on a boombox] Eric, we don't want you to die, Eric. Give life a try. Eric, we don't want you to die, Eric. Oh God no, Eric. I don't wanna live no more, no more, no more, no more. [walks up to a boy and uses him as a ventriloquist puppet] But Eric, we don't want you to die. You're so kewl, we'd be sad at school. [walks away and goes back to his normal voice] Yeah, but you guys, you don't understand. With my girlfriend, it's like I'm livin' in quicksand Conflicting thoughts, I need a battered wife shelter. My girlfriend is messed up, but all I wanna do is help her. I'm suffocatin', I'm drowning in sorrow. Gonna kill myself, probably around 2:30 tomorrow. [with chorus] But Eric, we don't want you to die, Eric. Give life a try. [solo] Everybody! [chorus a Capella] Eric, we don't want you to die, Eric. Oh God no, Eric. But it's so hard! Eric, we don't want you to die Only you guys can make a difference. I don't care if you're black, white, gay, straight, or trans, I am going to kill myself unless you all start taking it seriously! Eric, please don't die [no one says a word. Cartman walks up to the Distracted Driving group] Distracted driving my asshole. [drops the mic and walks away with a mischievous smile] Scene Description: Tweek's house, day. In the dining room, Tweek spins his fidget spinner on his right index finger, but it's not calming him down. Richard: Hey Tweek. Tweek: AAH! [drops the spinner] Richard: How's it going with the fidget spinner? Tweek: Greeaat. [picks up the spinner and spins it again, only to see it fly off his hand a second later.] Richard: You seem a lot less anxious. Things are finally turning around for my little homosexual son. [a loud rocket sound is heard overhead.] Tweek: What is that?? Richard: I'm not sure. Tweek: [runs outside to look around.] D'aaah! [finally locates the origin of the sound and looks up to see a North Korean missile flying over the town] D'aaah! [runs back into the house and turns on the TV] Anchor 4: No agreement has been reached between the parties involved. [Breaking News logo pops up] Breaking news now out of Colorado where the North Koreans appeared to have fired a missile over Tweek's house. [a small picture of him appears on the right side of the screen] Tweek: D'aahaahaah! Anchor 4: Tweek, of course, the young boy who got the attention of Kim Jong-un last week. The news media in North Korea is calling the missile test a victory for its people. [what follows is actual footage of a Korean woman giving a speech] Translator: Today, the great country of North Korea has proven its determination and fortitude by successfully firing a missile over Tweek's house. Perhaps now Tweek will come fight- [trails off] Tweek: Oh my God! Oh my God! Why is this happening to me?! They have to know that this isn't my fault! Anchor 4: In response to the North Korean test, the President of the United States has just tweeted this statement: "You really think Tweek is scared? Tweek will single handedly go to North Korea and fuck ALL you slanty-eyed bitches doggy style." Tweek: Whaaat?! Why would he say that?! Anchor 4: The President also tweeted, "...if you even think Tweek is worried about a bunch of dipshit, poor-ass, third world rice pickers...think again!" Tweek: Oh my God! What is he doing?! Richard: [rushes up to him with the fidget spinner and a cup of coffee] Tweek, Tweek, calm down. [puts his coffee on the sofa and tries to give the spinner to Tweek] Tweek: Why won't he just stop? Why?! Richard: Tweek, Tweek. [takes the remote control from Tweek's hand and lets it fall to the floor] Here, here's your fidget spinner. Tweek: Why does he keep making it worse?! Richard: Fidget spinner, Tweek! Come on, son! [Tweek lets out a couple of grunts, and Richard responds with a soothing voice] Focus on the fidget spinner. Scene Description: South Park, morning. A lone car goes down a street. Both driver and passenger are looking at their phones. Driver 1: Aww, Jeez, looks like North Korea launched another missile. Wife: Oh, really? Like another test? Where are you looking? Driver 1: I'm on Drudge. You see what the President tweeted about it? Wife: No, what'd he say? Driver 1: President tweeted, "North Korea is the butt hole of Asia and-" Wife: [sees Gary crossing the street] Innocent child!! Driver 1: Baaaah! [Gary looks right as the car speeds towards him holds up his arms. The car slams into him.] Gary: Uh! [he is launched into the air as blood falls to the ground. The windshield shatters while the airbags deploy, shielding the couple from injury. Gary soars through the air and lands down the street in the road, dead, losing his left shoe and sock in the process. The driver steps out of the car, then his wife steps out, and they look in shock at the dead boy] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. All the kids are carrying candles of remembrance and soon clear the hallway. Cartman walks down the hallway. A girl is crying, and Meagan Ridley comforts her. Meagan: I know. I know, it's so sad. Cartman: [passes by them and continues down the hallway. A few seconds later...] Well, how nice. That's a little more like it. [Sees Stan, Kyle, and Kenny as they walk towards him and approaches them.] Well guys, what happened? Change of heart? Stan: Yeah, you didn't hear? Gary Borkovec got ran over by a distracted driver. Cartman: What? Gary Borkovec? Is he dead? Kyle: Yeah dude, he's dead. Cartman: Oh, that son of a bitch! [turns around and walks off] I'm gonna talk to the principal! [turns back around to address Kenny] Put down that candle, Kenny! [turns around and walks off again] Like you ever gave a shit about Gary Borkovec! Scene Description: Principal's office. PC Principal is curling his left arm when Cartman knocks on the door. PC Principal: Entree vous. Cartman: [walks in] PC Principal, I'm trying to raise suicide awareness, but everyone's preoccupied with this "don't be on your phone when driving" crap! PC Principal: Gary Borkovec was a good student. He didn't deserve to be taken away by someone not paying attention to the road. Cartman: Yes, but Gary Borkovec is already dead! There's nothing we can do for him! Students need to focus on people thinking about dying! PC Principal: I don't know what more you want from me, bro. Cartman: I can't just get people to care with a stupid rap song! I need a full orchestra! Woodwinds, strings! I need black people in white robes, white people in black robes, and a thousand doves to release into the air! PC Principal: I can give you two student volunteers and one pigeon. Cartman: [pauses, then] Do you have any idea how serious this is?! As someone who deals with suicidal thoughts, I cannot believe the lack of concern at this school! Maybe I should just take the awareness of my suicide out to the public on the streets! PC Principal: Maybe you should. Cartman: Maybe I will! PC Principal: Maybe you should. Cartman: Maybe I will!! Scene Description: Craig's bedroom, night. He's fast asleep when Tweek enters and turns on the ceiling light. Tweek walks up to the bed and stands there for a second. Tweek: WAAAAH! Craig: [started] Ugh. Wuh. [rubs his eyes and sees who woke him] Hey Tweek. Tweek: [holds out his phone] Look at what the President tweeted now! Craig: What time is it, dude? Tweek: Just read it! [hands the phone to Craig] Craig: "North Korea doesn't have the balls to attack Tweek. They have little tiny rice balls." Tweek: They're gonna get me, Craig! Look at what's on CNN! [turns on Craig's TV and changes the channel from a kids' cartoon to CNN] Anchor 4: And the President's tweets have certainly caught the attention of North Korea, who have been spending the past several days viewing possible targets for a nuclear strike, if war were to break out. [Kim Jong-un looks over pictures of Tweek and his house] Tweek: Waaaah! What am I gonna do?! Craig: You've gotta calm down. Tweek: How am I supposed to calm down?! North Korea is gonna get me! They're gonna get me! Craig: [at the same time] Tweek. Tweek. Tweek! [calms down, but is still shaking]' Let's think this through logically. North Korea isn't going to attack anyone, okay? They're not going to start a war they can't win. Okay? Tweek: But Craig, I- Craig: Tweek! You have to stop thinking about it. Tell you what. We're gonna go somewhere fun and make you feel better. Scene Description: The supermarket, day. Cartman and Heidi are passing out fliers to shoppers as they exit the store. Cartman: [rings a small bell] Give a minute of your time for suicide awareness? Suicide is serious. Help tell people like Kyle it's not a joke. Shopper: Hey, good for you guys, trying to help. [takes a flier from Eric] Cartman: Yeah, make sure everyone you know gets involved or else I'm gonna do it. Heidi: We're getting a lot of attention, Eric. Our Web site's already full of kids saying they feel the same way as you, and want to get help. Cartman: They want to get help? For what? Heidi: For... wanting to take their own lives. Cartman: No, this is about me killing myself. Heidi: But babe, there's a lot of kids who feel the same way you do. Cartman: They're full of shit, Heidi. They're just trying to get attention. What, are you actually talking online to these ass wipes?! Heidi: I thought this was about raising awareness and helping people. Cartman: So you're just gonna e-mail with every guy who has a dick and a death wish?! Are we just your type?! Heidi: Eric, come on. Cartman: No, look, Heidi. I'm sorry, but you're the one who started all this by telling everybody that I was suicidal! Okay?! Now I'm under a lot of pressure to do it! So the only option I have is to make sure that suicide prevention becomes this entire town's number one priority! [A shopper walks out of the store behind him with a toddler in the shopping cart] Driver 2: [a woman] Oh God, did you see what the President said about Asians now? Husband: Look out! [the car runs over the shopping cart, killing the toddler in the process] Cartman: Oh, are you freaking serious?! Scene Description: An amusement park, day. Tweek and Craig walk through the park holding hands. Craig: Okay, babe, what do you want to ride first? Tweek: Ugh! What are we doing here, Craig?! Craig: We're gonna get your mind off politics and have some fun. Now, what's your favorite ride? Tweek: [grunts a few times] The Ferris wheel!! Scene Description: The Ferris wheel, later. Tweek grunts some more, while Craig is smiling. Craig: Isn't this lovely, Tweek? Just look at that view! Tweek: [decides to look at his phone] Oh God! Another tweet from the President! Craig: Oh, come on. Tweek: "Why would the U.S. be scared of North Korea? Tweek is so not scared he's at an amusement park in Denver right now." [gasps] JESUS CHRIST, WE'VE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!! Craig: Tweek! Tweek, use your brain! North Korea isn't going to attack an amusement park. You're safer here than anywhere. Scene Description: At an autopia ride, kids and their parents drive along slowly. Father: Oh, Jeez, the President just called Kim Jong-un a fat midget. [the car he's in jumps off the track] Oh, and now North Korea is saying that they're gonna- Son: Dad, look out! [the car plows through the bushes lining the autopia roadway] Father: Oh, shit! [a girl turns around and sees the car coming, but can't evade it. The car mows her down and kills her, then speeds towards a woman and a baby carriage. It demolishes the baby carriage with the baby in it. The bumper car ride is shown] Attendant: All right everyone, please wait for your bumper cars to come to a complete stop. We hope you enjoyed Crazy Cars- [one car has a mother and daughter in it, and the mother is browsing on her phone] Daughter: Mommy, look out! [the mother screams as they run over a boy who's on his way out. Four other kids are still in the ride, and the car runs over them too. Panic ensues and spreads throughout the park] Tweek: [noticing] Oh my God, what is that? What is that?! Craig: It's probably nothing. Everything's fine. Tweek: Will you please stop saying that?! I can't take it! Craig: I'm trying to make you feel better. Tweek: Well, maybe I don't wanna feel better right now! Craig: Okay, but think about that. That actually doesn't make any sense. Tweek: Why do you have to be so logical?! I don't need you to problem-solve all the time, I need you to... Augh, I don't know! Craig: Tweek, honey, all week you've been freaking out, and I've been the one forced to deal with it! Tweek: You haven't been dealing with it, you've been trying to make it go away because my emotions are freaking you out! [behind him, a girl screams as the runaway bumper car mows her down. The mother in the car is still screaming] Craig: Tweek, North Korea isn't bombing anyone. [Tweek turns away and tugs at his hair] They would lose the support of China, and that would mean- Tweek: There you go again! Stop preaching facts to me! It's not what I need! Craig: Well, I'm sorry that I'm actually in control of my goddamn emotions, you baby! [stops himself for a few seconds] Oh, see? Now you made me lose control of my emotions. [turns left and walks away] God dammit! [Tweek watches him leave, then grunts louder and louder until it's a full scream] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, cafeteria, lunchtime. The eight boys are back at their usual table. Butters: Hey Craig, how come Tweek's not at school? Craig: [a bit depressed] How should I know? Jimmy: Uh oh, trouble in paradise? Craig: Look guys, Tweek doesn't want help, okay? He just wants to overreact. Henry Kline: [taps a mic a few times, and all the students in the cafeteria look at him] Hey guys, can we have your attention? Tomorrow night we'll be having a memorial service for all the students we've lost to distracted driving. We hope you can all bring your families. Cartman: [with his own mic] Cool, yeah. Hey guys, and there's also gonna be a suicide awareness pot luck at 7:30 tomorrow night in the school gymnasium. We're gonna have lots of games and face-painting, and uh, what are you guys gonna have? Henry: ...Uhw-we're gonna have some guest speakers and also provide grievance counselors for those who need it. Cartman: Yeah, grievance counseling, that sounds super fun. Listen guys, there's a very real chance I might actually do it right in front of everyone tomorrow, so you don't want to miss it. Suicide prevention pot luck, everybody. Heidi: [approaches Cartman and takes the mic from Henry] Eric, you need to stop. What they're doing is important. Cartman: They're doing a memorial service with speeches and crying. What's that gonna solve? Heidi: It's not about problem-solving, Eric. It's about people getting together and feeling what they need to feel. [Craig's jaw drops, as he realizes this is what Tweek was trying to tell him] People need help sorting out their emotions sometimes. And the best thing isn't always quick answers, but just being there, supporting each other and... talking through those feelings. Cartman: You are so up and down. I don't know what you want from me, Heidi! Heidi: [Craig runs off, inspired by Heidi's words] Come on, there has to be a way we can all work together here. Cartman: So now you're on their side! Oh my God, I'm seriously gonna do it right now! [runs off] Heidi: Eric! [runs after him] Scene Description: Tweek's bedroom, late afternoon. He's in bed spinning four spinners, two in each hand. Craig: [runs into the bedroom] Tweek, what's going on?? Tweek: What? What do you mean, what's going on?! The same shit that's been going on! Craig: Nothing's gotten any better? Oh my God, how does that make you feel? Tweek: I feel scared! I feel alone! Craig: Well that must be horrible to feel that way. It must be hard for you to even think! Tweek: It is! [gets off the bed and walks up to Craig] It's terrible! Craig: I bet it's terrible! What else are you feeling? Tweek: Like, like I have no control over my life. Like I'm just a pawn in a big game. Craig: Oh, that's a terrifying thought. You must feel trapped. Tweek: Yeah, like trapped, but like, completely unable to even move. Craig: Jesus, it's like there's no solution to any of this! What are you gonna do?? What can you do? Tweek: I don't know, it's... it's like... maybe, maybe I have to find a way to feel a little in charge of me again. Craig: That sounds so insurmountable though. How would you even start? Tweek: I don't know, but I I've gotta do something about this. There's gotta be a way I can... [stops shaking and comes to a realization. He turns to see Craig and smiles. Craig smiles back] Thank you, Craig. [turns around and thinks] I've got it. People aren't focused on the right thing. I know what I should do. Scene Description: The school auditorium, evening. The kid's parents are now present. PC Principal: All right everyone, listen up. Tonight, one of our students has put together a song about a very important issue. It's a song about how there are certain times to not be on your phone. I hope you all listen carefully. [applause as Tweek sits at the piano and begins to play wonderfully. Craig appears on stage and begins to sing] Craig: People are dying. The fault is our own. You can do lots of damage when you're on your phone. We all have to agree to change it somehow. Let's all make a pledge to end it right now. Fourth grade choir: Put it down. Don't be on your phone while being President. Put it down. You might do something dumb and cause an accident. Townsfolk: [scattered around town] Let's all agree, here today, that if we're leader of the U.S.A. The parents: We'll put it down The Governor: If at any point today you're being a President, put down your mobile device. Fourth grade choir: Put it down. Townsman: If I'm on the phone, I will not get behind the... desk of an oval office. Fourth grade choir: Put it down. McDonald's worker: I'll take the pledge! Doctor: I'll take the pledge. Hillary Clinton: And I'll take the pledge. Fourth grade choir: No one cares. Diner: What's that? I was just elected President? Well then, goodbye! Fourth grade choir: Put it down if you're President today. The parents: If you find yourself being President today. Fourth grade choir: Ah ah ah, ah a-aaah. Nancy: Hey, Brian, look! I was just elected President. Brian: That's great, Nancy. Now put down your phone. Nancy: Right. Fourth grade choir: Ah ah ah, ah a-aaah, aaah. Put it down. Cartman: [interrupts with his own rap. He's in a graffiti-ridden alley] Give a standing ovation for suicide in our nation Or I will rip my own guts out without one hesitation [simulates that act. Next, he's in his living room] Dedication, that's what it's taken to awaken people to care [next, he stands next to Heidi outside a house] And yet my future's so hazy, my girlfriend's makin' me crazy But still I'm workin' so hard. You know, just tryin' to hold on, [next, he's in a casket] 'Cause I know that you don't miss me so much if I was gone. [next, he's on stage with the other kids] And all the voices start solo, but every day I hear them grow. Sayiin' "Eric, don't do it! Don't do it! Noooo (noooo, noooo)" Scene Description: A memorial segment pops up showing Gary Borkovec, then Kelly Morris, both killed by Presidents on their phones (distracted drivers). A montage of kids then appears, each of who were killed by Presidents on their phones. Included among them are Gary, Kelly,... and Kenny. Choir and parents: [A sign language interpreter appears in a small window at upper right of the screen to sign for the deaf. Craig and Tweek are holding hands] Put it down. Don't be on your phone while being president. Put it down. You might do something dumb and cause an accident. We all agree, here today, that if we're leader of the U.S.A. We'll put it down [the parents and the interpreter fade out. Craig and Tweek look at each other, smiling] Fourth grade choir: Put it down. [the choir fades out, leaving only Craig and Tweek] Cartman: [emerges from the choir and runs up to Craig and Tweek] I'm not gonna do it, you guys! It worked! I'm not gonna do it!

Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The school is in an uproar. The students are tearing up their notebooks and littering the hallways with their papers. Clyde starts setting papers on fire. Cartman: [runs through the hallway] This is an outrage! This is a violation of our human rights! [stops in front of Stan and Kyle] Stan: What the hell is going on? Cartman: You didn't hear the announcement? They just cancelled Columbus Day! We have to come to school on Monday! Kyle: They what?? Butters: [runs up between Stan, Kyle, and Cartman] They can't do this! We made plans! [runs off] Cartman: Some asshole went and convinced the school board that Columbus Day is racist and should be eliminated! Butters: [returns] You can't take away a day off! We're just innocent children! Stan: Dude, what asshole would take away a holiday? Scene Description: The school gym, later. An official sits behind a desks. Peter Galtman: My name is Peter Galtman. I am the head of the school calendar committee. [the people he's addressing are the parents and faculty of South Park Elementary] I've decided that school will not celebrate Columbus Day this year. I realize this is a hot-button issue for many families, but one parent in particular has really swayed my opinion with his passion. Mr. Randy Marsh. Mr. Marsh pointed out to me the hypocrisy of glorifying a genocidal murderer, and Mr. Marsh is right now also working on having the Columbus statue taken down in Canyon City. Scene Description: Canyon City, day. In the town square, a magnificent statue of Columbus stands with a globe in its left hand and a telescope in its right hand. Randy: [runs up to the statue] Come on, everybody! Let's take this fuckin' thing down! [kicks it and punches it] Yeah, yehah! [punches it some more, with no effect] Take it down! Columbus was a mass murderer! [people gather to watch as Randy climbs up to the statue's head] Tear it down! Tear it down! Yeah! [grunts as he tries to take it apart] Hey, it's not working. [tugs at the head and grunts] We almost got it, guys! Come on, throw the rope, Stan! [a rope flies up towards him, with noose ready to go. He catches it and wraps it around the head] Good, that's good! Hit the gas, Nelson! [Peter Nelson pulls away with the rope tied to his car] We got it, everybody! To hell with you, Columbus! You guh-whoa! Whoa! [the statue topples to the right and falls apart. Randy falls with it, but isn't hurt] Scene Description: The Marsh house, evening. Stan sits on the couch watching TV when he gets a call from Kyle. Stan: Hey dude. Kyle: Dude! Did you know it's your dad did who's getting the school to cancel Columbus Day? Stan: Yeah. Dude, I don't know what's going on. He's really serious about this. Kyle: Well, you've gotta do something. If you get him to back down, maybe the school will reconsider. Stan: I can't get him to back down. Kyle: Stan, I have to deal with my mom doing shit like this all the time, but she's never tried to take away a holiday. I'm your best friend, but I can't have your back when the guys find out about this. Stan: I'll try, okay. [glances up for a moment] Ok-I, I gotta go. [Randy walks up with his laptop and phone and sits next to Stan] Randy: Okay, Stan, you got your phone? I need to call everyone on this list. They all live in the same city. Stan: Dad, listen: you need to ease off a little here. Randy: Stan, it's not right that people celebrate a man who wiped out millions of people for his own glory! [puts his phone up to his right ear] Let's go! [places his first call] Hello? Is this uh [checks his laptop screen] Howard Peterson? You live in Columbus, Ohio, is that correct? Yeah? You racist piece of shit. You heard me. You're an intolerant pig. Oh, you're not? You just choose to live in a city named for ethnic cleansing. No, fuck you! Rename your city, asshole! Hello? [evidently, the recipient hung up] Okay, next one, come on. Get calling, Stan! Stan: Dad, come on. We all get your point, but don't you think you're overdoing it? Randy: You have to overdo it in today's society Stan. You can't be nuanced and subtle anymore or else critics go "Wow, what was the point of that?" [places the next calls] Hi, Francis Melman? Hey, how are you, you fuckin' racist? Scene Description: An even more impressive statue of Columbus, lit up at night. Field Reporter: [the camera zooms out to include him] Christopher Columbus. Explorer, pioneer. Is he someone who should be appreciated, or was he just a douche? For years, Columbus Circle has been a landmark and photogenic intersection in New York City. So it came as a surprise when someone defecated on the statue earlier today. I'm joined now by the man who did the actual defecating, Mr. Randy Marsh of South Park, Colorado. [walks up to Randy, who's wearing an "I poop on New York" T-shirt, "poop on" replaced by a small picture of him pooping on "New York"] Randy: Good evening. Field Reporter: Mr. Marsh, you took a dump on a beloved statue that's been an icon here in the city for years. What was your reasoning? Randy: Well, I just have a problem with the racist people of this city. Yeehaw, [gets into a hick, redneck accent] I'm from New York! I drive around a big circle n' celebrates a guy who murdered Native Americans! Shoowee! Field Reporter: So you're doing this because of indigenous peoples and their feelings. Randy: I don't care if people get indigenous, I'll crap all over their statues! I'm the one who's indigenous that this landmark even exists! Field Reporter: Aah, aaah, bah, back to you, Tom. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, lunch time. As kids sit down for lunch, a girl walks by with a tear streaming down her face. She sniffles. At the boys' table are seated Token, Jimmy, Kyle, Clyde, Cartman, Kenny, and Butters. Butters: It ain't right. They make you work like a dog and then they just tear away your one day off in October like you're a piece of trash! Stan: [shows up at table with his lunch] Hey guys. [takes a seat between Token and Jimmy] Cartman: Boo! Boo! Nobody likes you, Stan! Stan: Look, I tried talking to him, alright? He's just really against all the things Columbus did. Jimmy: Does anyone know what Columbus actually did? Cartman: Yeah. In fourteen hundred ninety-two, Columbus got us a day off skewl. That's what matters. Kyle: No! No, wait guys. Maybe that's it. When I'm dealing with my mom, sometimes it works to be on her side for a minute. Maybe we should find out all the things people find offensive about Columbus and- Cartman: And totally act like we care. I like it, Kyle. Kyle: I'll just look up Columbus, offensive, inflammatory- Cartman: Yeah, this is sweet. It's like that movie where the dude pretended to be on the monsters' side? You know, with the guy and the chick that had the wife beater on, but her boobs were sweaty so you could see them? [Kyle checks the search results] Butters: I love that movie. Cartman: Yeah, this is a lot like that. What'd you find, Kyle? Kyle: Nnnothing. Butters: Dang it! There's nothing? Kyle: Stan, can I talk to you for a minute? [leaves the table, and Stan follows] Cartman: [now out of the loop] What? What? What the hell was that? Scene Description: The Marsh house, Randy's study. Randy is typing up something on his computer. Stan and Kyle walk in. Stan: Hey Dad? Randy: Not now, Stan. I'm working on a proposal to change British Columbia to just British. Stan: But Dad, Kyle found a picture on Instagram. [shows Randy the pictures] It pretty much looks like you dressed as Columbus at a Halloween party. [Randy notices the picture, now shown close up] Randy: Where did you get that? Stan: If you hate Columbus so much, why did you dress like him? Randy: Look, that was a long time ago, okay? It's just a dumb Halloween costume. Stan: Yeah but, [goes through the pictures he pulled off Instagram] here's you dressed as Columbus at a formal dinner, and here's you dressed as Columbus at a football game, and you as Columbus on St. Patrick's Day... Randy: Look, I was younger! We were all... younger. It was another time. You have to understand, it was 2013. Everyone was stoked on Columbus back then. Stan: Yeah, but Dad, you seem to be really stoked on Columbus. Randy: If you guys found those pictures online, it's only a matter of time before everyone else does. People won't care about what I do now. They'll just see me as a thoughtless, indigenous son of a bitch. Scene Description: The Marsh house, living room, some time later. Sharon walks up to him. Sharon: Randy, do you mind cleaning out the garage like I asked? Randy: [moping] What's the point, Sharon? Soon they're gonna be coming after me. Sharon: Ach. [turns around and walks away] Announcer: [a series of faces appear on tv, and Randy is interested] Hey, you! That's right, you! Wouldn't you like to know the story of you? What makes you you? DNAandMe is a genetic service that can help you find out exactly who your ancestors were. You might be surprised. Cyclist: [at Santa Monica Beach, stops] I thought I was just a standard white guy, but DNAandMe showed that I'm actually 4.2% Cherokee Indian. Woman 1: [doing curls] Turns out I'm not totally white. I'm also part Northern Asian and even some Kurdish. I'm a victim of oppression. [smiles] Steve: [seated at his desk] I used to get in trouble for always using the N word. But with DNAandMe I found out that I'm 2.1% black. Office Worker: [walks by] 'Morning, Steve? Steve: Sup, n*gga? [smiles] Announcer: The test is easy. [a woman is shown swabbing her mouth for a DNA sample and putting it into a cuvette, then sealing that cuvette] Simply swab the inside of your mouth and send it into our lab. Driver: [behind the wheel] People made fun of me for being French. DNAandMe showed I was 8% Navajo. Nobody's makin' fun of me now, or my people, who are victims. Female Jogger: I'm 13% victim. Painter: I'm 21% victim. Announcer: Order now and find out if your friends should be more sympathetic towards you. DNAandMe. Are you in? Randy: Hell fucking yes I'm in. Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. There's a mellow party going on, with soft jazz musics. With everyone enjoying the ambiance, Randy comes down from the second floor, looks around, then goes back upstairs. Scene Description: Randy's study. He goes inside the darkened room and closes the door. Randy: Alright, everyone's here. Let's do this. [in the room with him is a Native American (Bill), whom he walks up to. He opens a desk drawer and pulls out some money] Here you go, just like I said. A hundred dollars cash. No questions asked. Are we good? [Bill just looks him over] Good. No talking. Perfect. Okay, let's get this over with. [pulls Bill's face towards his own and gives him a long, passionate French kiss. Bill gets more and more surprised the longer the kiss continues. Randy suddenly stops the kiss] Thank you. Do not talk of this to anyone. [Bill just turns to watch him leave] Scene Description: The living room, moments later. Randy greets his guests. Randy: All right, everybody. Hey, thanks for comin'. If uh-I can have your attention, please? I think we're ready to get started. DNA test administrator: [holding a DNAandMe kit] Ahah, Mr. Marsh, you know, none of this was really necessary. For DNAandMe testing you can just swab the inside of your mouth yourself and send it in the mail. Randy: Yeah, I know, but I just, I was really excited, wanted everyone to witness my test. DNA test administrator: Well, to each their own I suppose. [opens the kit and pulls out a swab] All right, open wide. [Randy opens up and hums as the DNAandMe doctor moves the swab around the inside of his cheek. A shot of the Tuckers and Nelson eating hors d'oeuvres. The doctor takes the swab and puts it back in the kit] Okay, I'll get this back to the lab and get the results to you as quickly as possible. Randy: Okay, great. I'm very interested to see [begins speaking more slowly] what those results have to say. Scene Description: A house, day. A woman sits in a rocking chair knitting a scarf. A cordless phone rings. Peter Galtman: [answers the phone] Galtman residence. Masked voice: Listen to me carefully. The man who convinced you to cancel Columbus Day is a fraud. Mr. Galtman: Who is this? Masked voice: You will go online and search Instagram for images of Randy Marsh. Mr. Galtman: I most certainly will not! Masked voice: Randy Marsh is a hypocrite and a fake. You will be taken down with him when he is exposed! [a shot of the boys' restroom at school. Kenny is the one who's masking his voice as Stan, Kyle, and Cartman look on] Kyle: What's he saying? Kenny: (Shhh! Don't interrupt!) [masked voice again] We know where you live and we know how to make you suffer! Mr. Galtman: Now you listen here, Mr. Man! The Galtmans don't believe in social media or the Internet! It's all fake news! Mrs. Galtman: Fake news. Kenny: [masked voice] Then speak with Marsh yourself! The truth is out there! [hangs up] (Well, I don't know if that worked.) Mr. Galtman: Hm. [suspicion aroused] Sounds like maybe the Galtmans need to check out Randy Marsh. Scene Description: The Marsh house,. Shelly's bedroom. She's drawing a pony on her bed when Randy bursts into the room. Randy: Shelly! We've got an emergency! We're getting rid of all the Columbus stuff in this house! Any Columbus costumes? Columbus pictures? They all gotta go! Shelly: I don't give a shit about Columbus. Scene Description: The kitchen. Sharon is washing dishes when Randy enters. Randy: Sharon! Peter Galtman called! He sounds suspicious! We've gotta get rid of all our Columbus shot glasses and coffee cups! Where are they?! Sharon: YOUR Columbus shot glasses and coffee cups are in that cupboard. Randy: Shot, shot glasses, coffee cups, towels, plates. What about the Columbus figurine salt and pepper shakers? Sharon: I don't know where YOU put them, Randy. Randy: [walks from the cupboard to the sink] Sharon, do you know what they'll do to us when they find out how we were so stoked on Columbus?? Sharon: YOU were stoked on Columbus, Randy. Not me. Randy: Oho, really?! Did you forget our wedding?! That's you, right there! [shows her the wedding picture. She's in a traditional wedding dress while Randy is dressed as Columbus] Standing there with a big smile on your face! You didn't say anything about it being insensitive then, did you?! Sharon: I actually was a little upset that you dressed up as Columbus for our wedding, but I decided- Randy: [moves from her right side to her left] Oh, NOW! You say that NOW 'cause everyone's freakin' out, but you were right there going along with it! [turns around and walks away, but turns around again] They're gonna be coming after you too, Sharon! So you can just wipe that indigenous look off your face! [the doorbell rings and Sharon's eyebrows rise up. Randy perks up] Oh! That could be my DNA results! Here, take this stuff out back! [drops it all next to Sharon and runs to the front door, only to find Bill at the door with a bouquet of flowers in his hand. Randy looks him over, and Bill gives him the bouquet] Oh... nooo, nonononono. Bill: I've never felt so alive until now. Randy: Thank you. Lo-lovely flowers. Thank, thank you. [shuts the door on the bouquet, which is crushed and falls apart] Scene Description: The Galtman house, day. Mrs. Galtman has made a lot of progress with the scarf. The phone rings. Mr. Galtman: [answers the phone] Galtman residence. Kenny: [masked voice] Listen carefully if you want to live. You will make this Monday a school holiday. Mr. Galtman: I spoke with Mr. Marsh and he denied any wrongdoing. Kenny: [talking from the boys' bathroom at school] Of course he did! That's what liars do! Stan: I don't think you're being intimidating enough. Cartman: Yeah, get meaner, Kenny. Kenny: Meaner like now, dude? Stan: I don't know, like, like uh, maybe say- Cartman: Just talk about cutting off his dick or something. Kenny: [to Galtman] We're gonna cut off your dick! Kyle: No dude, that's too far. Cartman: Okay, okay, just say we're gonna cut off part of his dick. Stan: Just give me the phone! Hello! Mr. Galtman: What? Stan: Randy Marsh is about to pay for what he's done! [shown on the phone] Protect him and you will pay too! Time is running out! [hangs up] Jesus! Scene Description: The Marsh house, master bedroom. Sharon is in bed reading a book when Randy enters. Randy: Sharon, have you seen my Columbus staff and orb? Sharon: I have not. [Randy goes to the closet and start rifling through it] Randy: Sharon, Galtman called again. Somebody's out there trying to get me in trouble! Sharon: Randy, why don't you just admit to people that maybe you were somewhat overly excited about Columbus in the past? Randy: Everyone was excited about Columbus! For some reason people are just pointing fingers at me! Just because he's suddenly not cool now doesn't mean I'm gonna be the effin' scapegoat! [leaves the room and closes the door] Scene Description: The front door. Randy is about to leave. Randy: I've gotta burn this stuff! [opens the door and sees Bill waiting for him with a drum and stick] Oh Goddamnit! Bill: I wrote you a song to express my feelings for you. Randy: Will you get out of here?! Bill: [bangs on the drum and chants, then] And then he kissed me. Randy: [hushed] I didn't kiss you 'cause I liked you! Bill: [ignores him, bangs on the drum and chants, then] And then he kissed me. Randy: Okay, okay Bill: [bangs on the drum and chants, then] And the sun began to shine. Randy: That's it! Get off my property! [turns him around and shoves him towards the sidewalk] Bill: Randy, I cannot quit you. Randy: Get off my land, you piece of shit! [kicks him to the curb] Bill: Uuugh! [they both look around. Randy sees a jogger across the street with his phone] Randy: Don't post that. [a few seconds pass] Do not. Post that. [the jogger takes off. Randy drops the staff and orb, and gives chase] Shit! Scene Description: The school playground, recess. The boys now sit around a merry-go-round. Clyde stands next to them. All of them have sad faces. Cartman walks up to them. Cartman: Guys, what are you going? Butters: It's over, Eric. We have to come to school on Monday. Just face it. Cartman: I'm not facing anything. We still have time. There has to be a way- Kyle: Dude, there's nothing we can do, all right? Cartman: Oh okay. I see. Is that what Columbus did? Just give up? On his dream? No! Columbus believed that kids should have a day off skewl! And even when his own country wouldn't support his cause, Columbus said "Fine! I'll go find a new land, where kids can have that day off!" Jimmy: Eric, just l-let it go. Cartman: And when Columbus sailed to distant places only to find people already there who said "No! Stay off our land! We want our kids to have to go to skewl!", he said "No! It's just one day in October! They need a break!" You guys can all give up, but I'm not. Because in 1492, Columbus got us all a day off skewl. With just three ships he sailed over so we could have some me time in October. And yes, millions were slaughtered and throats were cut But if we don't get that day off of school, then... for what? Kyle: Come on, guys. [stands up on the merry-go-round] There's something else we can try. Scene Description: The Marsh bathroom, day. Sharon is on the toilet urinating, while reading stuff on her phones. Randy opens the door. Randy: [excited] Sharon, good news! Sharon: What?? Randy: The people from the DNA test called. They're on their way over. You wanna come down? Sharon: I'm doing something. Randy: You sure? These results could be really interesting. [Sharon stays quiet, so he heads downstairs] Scene Description: The living room. Randy sees Bill. Randy: Oh Goddammit, what the hell do you want? Bill: I want you to stop running from yourself. We could be so happy. [the doorbell rings] Randy: Crap, it's them! [to the front door] Just a second, be right there. Thanks! [turns around and shoves Bill towards the back door] Get over here! I don't have any feelings for you. Do you understand?! Bill: But Randy, what about the- Randy: [shoves him out the back door] NO! No buts! There is nothing here! I'm not in love with you! Got it?! Bill: Yes. Yes, I understand. Randy: Good! Now leave! [goes to the front door, and lets the DNAandMe folks in] Hi, sorry. You guys have my results? DNA test administrator: Well, Mr. Marsh, we came because there was an irregularity with your test. Randy: Well what? You found something there you didn't expect to find? What is it? DNA test administrator: Well it's just a little too odd. We need to do the test again. Randy: Do it again? That's not fair. DNA test administrator: Mr. Marsh, please. If we could have one more sample. We want to be absolutely sure of what we found. Randy: Agh-uh oh, okay, no problem. [begins to back up] Give me, give me one sec. I'll be right back. [turns and runs to the back door, opens it, and runs out] Wait! [looks to his left] Wait! [runs up to the Native American and kisses him in the mouth again, and just as before, stops and leaves, this time to go back inside and to the living room] Okay! Okay, all set. Let's do this. Aaaaa- DNA test administrator: Mr. Marsh, we were hoping to do a more precise test. It's better for harder cases like this, but... it is an anal swab this time. [prepares the kit] Randy: An anal swab? Give me tuh, three minutes. [backs up and runs out the back door again, looking for the Native American.] Hey, where'd you go? [the doctor walks up behind him and puts his right hand on Randy's shoulder] DNA test administrator: Mr. Marsh, we're in a bit of a hurry, if you don't mind. [pulls him back inside] Randy: Oh, aw shit. [the assistant closes the door] Scene Description: South Park, day. The Marsh house. Cartman opens the front door and enters. Cartman: [wearing a horse head mask] All right, it's clear. Bring him in. [Stan, wearing a pig head mask, and Kyle, wearing a rabbit head mask, pull Mr. Galtman inside] Kenny: [wearing a pigeon head mask, using his Mysterion voice] Move your ass, Galtman! Mr. Galtman: This is a violation of my rights. Stan: Just shut up, and watch what someone posted on their Instagram! Mr. Galtman: I most certainly will not! If you want me to look at the Internet, I will die first. It's fake news! Kyle: [as Stan puts a tape into the VCR] That's why we had it transferred to VHS. Mr. Galtman: Oh, VHS is fine. Kenny: Take off his blindfold. [Kyle does so. Stan presses play, and the scene of Randy kicking the Native American to the curb is shown] Mr. Galtman: Hmmm... Scene Description: DNAandMe headquarters, night. Randy sneaks around the hallways of the place. He reaches the specimen room, faces the door, and pulls out a lock pick. He inserts the pick in the door lock to try to open it. The doctor and two lab workers walk up behind him. DNA test administrator: Oh, Mr. Marsh. Randy: Whoa, ha-hay. [turns around] How are you? [smiles nervously] DNA test administrator: Good. Wha-what are you up to? Randy: Chillin', chillin'. DNA test administrator: Well, uhhh, we did get your DNA results back this morning. Would you like to go over them? Randy: Oh, you did? Oh, great. Sure, why not? Uh, I'm here. Huh let's uh, let's do that. Scene Description: The lab room, moments later DNA test administrator: N'all right Mr. Marsh, here's your DNAandMe portfolio. [starts the presentation] This shows that we actually found a mix of a few things in you regional ancestry. Randy: [jumps up and stands] Really? Like Native American? Like a, like a little bit? DNA test administrator: Nno, we didn't find any trace of any Native American DNA in your test. Randy: Nnnuts! [sits down] DNA test administrator: But as you can see here [click], we found that you are about 43% Northern European, 37% Mediterranean, and 18% Southwest Asian. In fact, your genetic profile most closely matches [clicks] your standard Caucasian British person. Randy: [sighing] Awww. DNA test administrator: And, you might be interested to know that you're actually 2.8% Neanderthal, which is fairly high. Randy: Neander-thal? What the hell is that about? DNA test administrator: Well, the Neanderthals were actually a species that was wiped out by Homo sapiens. Randy: Wiped out? All of my people? DNA test administrator: Yes, but you see, because of some cross-breeding, some people like you still possess Neanderthal DNA. Isn't that interesting? Randy: Cross-breeding? You mean rape. You're telling me that my ancestors were raped, and then eradicated by you? You maniacs! [kicks the chair out of the way] The earth wasn't big enough for Neanderthals, so your ancestors just got rid of them, huh?! Well TO HELL WITH ALL OF YOU!! [knocks over a tool cart and leaves] Scene Description: The Marsh house, night. Randy pulls into his driveway and walks towards the house in a sad state. He goes inside, closes the door, and is surprised at what he sees. Mr. Galtman stands with the four boys near the dining room. Mr. Galtman: Well well, Mr. Marsh. I'd like to have a word, please. Randy: [walks up to him and punches him out with one blow] You find this funny, Galtman! Mr. Galtman: What'd I do? Randy: Nobody had the guts to tell me what happened to my people, huh? Get the hell out of here! [opens the front door and Bill is back] Bill: I brought my parents over so you could meet them. Randy: Waww God! Bill: Don't worry. My parents are very okay and cool with us. Stan: Who the hell is that? Randy: Yeah, sure! Everyone gang up on the Neanderthal! Isn't it funny! Bill: Randy, you must face who you are. Stop pretending, Randy. For once, just allow yourself to feel. Randy: [moves away from the others] You're right. [Galtman stands up and they all look at Randy again] You're right. It's only now, when everyone is being so indigenous to me, that I realized... how indigenous I've been acting all along. I thought being a victim would solve all my problems. But being a victim has a down side too. [walks up to Galtman] Mr. Galtman, I haven't been honest. It's time for us all... to be honest. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. A stage, mic, and podium have been prepared at the school entrance, and Randy is at the podium. Before him are the faculty, parents and students of the school. Randy: What is a holiday? It's a day off work, yes. A day off school. But holidays are also meant to be a time to reflect. Today, I'm happy to announce that the school calendar committee is reinstating the day off. [the kids cheer] But instead of glorifying anyone, Let us make it a holiday about the negative feelings that we all sometimes feel. Say what we're really thinking so we can move on. And so, the second Monday in October will still be a holiday, but instead of Columbus Day, it will be for ripping on each other and tearing each other down. And we will call it Indigenous Peoples Day. For perhaps if we all do it at the same time, we won't be so indigenous the rest of the year. And since this is the second Monday of October, let's all embrace the new meaning of the holiday starting right now. Dave: Do you even know what indigenous means, you freakin' idiot?! Randy: That's the spirit, Dave. Come on, everybody, let's just all be totally indigenous. Come on! Kurt: Who the hell let this guy talk to the school council? Randy: Good one Kurt. Your wife's a whore. Come on, everyone! Indigenous People's Day! Let's go for it! Woman 2: Shut up and get off the podium! [people begin to leave] Randy: Okay, I will in a second, fatso. All right, who else? Come on! Get it out of your system! Happy Indigenous People's Day, everyone. Suck my asshole!

Scene Description: South Park, day. People are going about their business when a flash zips by, rustling everything near it. Man 1: What on Earth was that? Jimmy: [voice over] My name is Jimmy Valmer. [He zips around town, startling people here and there. Two boys playing basketball almost lose it when he zips by them] And I am very... [stops] f-f-fast. [General Medical Center, day] When I was born, my parents knew I was different. Doctor: [handing baby Jimmy to his parents] I'm sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Valmer, your newborn son will never be able to walk. But he will be extremely good at comedy. [Sarah cries as she uncovers his face] Baby Jimmy: [already with a mic in his hand] Wow! What a teh-t-teh-terrific audience. [Sarah sobs some more] Scene Description: Chuckles Improv, night. Jimmy is working on his delivery. Jimmy: [voice over] As I got older, my powers only increased. Jimmy: [on stage] What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Woman 1: AAAAHHHH Help! [Jimmy zips away and returns moments later with a pickpocket tied up next to him] Jimmy: Nacho cheese. [gets a round of applause] Jimmy: [voice over] And now I look for others like me to fight crime as part of a superhero team. I am... Fas... Fastpass! [shown to be auditioning for a role in a superhero team headed by... The Coon. The current team members - Tupperware (Token), Mosquito (Clyde), The Coon (Cartman), Toolshed (Stan), Human Kite (Kyle), and Mysterion (Kenny) - clap approvingly] Cartman: [The Coon] Okay, okay, thank you, Fastpass. What do you guys think? Stan: We definitely don't have anyone with superhuman speed in our franchise. Token: Fastpass, what makes you feel... qualified to be part of our cinematic universe? Jimmy: Well, besides being super f-f-fa-fast, I also have a good attitude, and flexibility with my schedule on weekends. Cartman: Fastpass, welcome to Coon and Friends. You are about to make a shitload of money. Scene Description: Coon and Friends: Franchise Prequel. Cartman's basement, day. He has his team assembled and begins to brief them on his plans. Cartman: Alright, superheros, it's time to lay out our plan of action. As you can see, I have divided the franchise plan into three phases. Phase 1 begins with The Coon Netflix series and goes through the Coon and Friends United movie, where we introduce Toolshed and The Human Kite. In Phase 2 we do Coon vs. Fastpass followed by an origin movie about Mosquito. Clyde: Bzzz oh boy, I get my own origin movie, bzzz? Cartman: That's right. It's in Phase 2 that we introduce Tupperware, our black superhero, like an ace in the hole. Stan: Whoawhoa wait, how come we gotta start off with a Netflix series? Can't we just go right into movies? Cartman: Netflix is starving for new shows right now, Toolshed. They will literally buy anything people pitch them. We need to strike while the iron's hot. Later in Phase 3 we can finally get to Civil War, where we will all- [the Coon alarm goes off and the boys look around] Stan: What is it? Kyle: Incoming Face Time call from Super Craig. [the boys leave their seats and gather around the monitor] Cartman: Onscreen! Craig: You guys, we have a big problem. Cartman: What is it, Super Craig? Craig: Somebody's messing with our Facebook page. They're spreading all these lies, saying we like, burn the American flag and pee in each other's mouths. Stan: Spreading lies how? Craig: Take a look. [holds up a picture of a mysterious boy and the Coon and Friends Facebook page] Someone is systematically targeting our Facebook followers and feeding them misinformation. Cartman: Who would deliberately use Facebook in such a horribly reckless way? Scene Description: Butter's room, a stormy night. He's on his computer looking at the Coon and Friends Facebook page, typing away and cackling. Stephen: [opens the bedroom door to check in] Butters, you're not looking at boobies again, are you? Butters: No Dad, I'm not looking at boobies. [Stephen closes the door and Butters waits a few second before cackling again] Waahahahahaha! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Butters is switching out books in his locker as the four boys approach him. He closes his locker. Cartman: Butters?! Butters: Oh, hey fellas. Cartman: Butters, are you using Facebook to fuck with our superhero franchise? Butters: Uuuuuuummm, nope. [turns around and walks off, the others wait a second or two before catching up] Stan: Butters? Butters! Butters: [turns around] Yes, fellas? Stan: Dude, listen. We don't have time for this. Right now, Netflix is buying any show that people pitch them. We have a real shot at starting our franchise, and you are a part of that franchise plan, okay? We have movies planned for the bad guy. Butters: You mean like Suicide Squad? Stan: Yes! Butters: [in Stan's face] Suicide Squad sucked! [turns around and walks off again] Kyle: Butters! Butters! You can't just make stuff up about us! [Butters turns around again] People are thinking it's true! Butters: Look fellas, you have a right to be on Facebook and I have a right to be on facebook. And sometimes that's going to cause a little... [makes a fist and smirks] CHAOS. [looks mischievous and gets slick] Gotta get to classss. Kyle: Dude, what a dick! Cartman: If we don't find a way to stop him, we're never gonna make any money, you guys. Scene Description: The Valmer residence, living room, day. The adults there are drinking coffee. Ryan Valmer addresses the other parents. Ryan: Thanks for coming, everyone. I know you are all concerned as Sarah and I are about what's happening to our children. Thomas: I just... can't believe that children in our town are dressing up in hero costumes and peeing in each other's mouths. Randy: And who are these kids? Does anyone know? They're wearing capes and forcing objects into their own rectal cavities? Why? Steve: We [referring to himself and Linda] were shocked to read that a young African-American boy is wearing Tupperware and defecating on girls while they sleep. What if those kids are hanging out with our kids? Stephen: You know what I think the problem is? Facebook. Randy: Facebook? How so? Stephen: Well, look, we all know there's a lot of mixing of truth and fiction that's been on Facebook lately, and children lack the cognitive ability to determine what's true and what isn't on Facebook. That's why we now have young kids dressing up in costumes, eating poop, and having sex with antelopes in our town. Thomas: Maybe we need to get our kids off of Facebook. Randy: That'll never happen. You know what I say we do? Let's invite Mark Zuckerberg to come and talk to us all about our concerns in this community. Linda: Do you really think he'd come? Stephen: Why not give it a try? Let's invite Mark Zuckerberg here and see what he has to say? I'm sure he's a reasonable person. [takes a sip] Scene Description: An abandoned Circuit City store, marked for lease. A boy walks towards it with a flyer in hand, He goes to a side door in the loading area and knocks. Butters: [as Professor Chaos] Who are you?! What do you want?! Adam: I'm here about the job? [points to the flyer] Butters: Oh. Are you Adam? Well, come on in. [Adam walks in with Butters and Butters closes the door. Butters gives him a tour of the place] You're making a smart career choice, Adam. You see, what we do here is utilize Facebook not only to spread chaos, but to actually profit from it. You'll find the hours very reasonable and I'm working on getting full health and dental for all employees. [stops and gets a uniform off the shelves for Adam] Here's your company uniform. You see, what I've done, Adam, is build a completely self-sustaining Chaos machine [Adam exits the boys room as Chaos #28] - You look fantastic - doing nothing more than what Facebook was designed to do. I make money from Facebook for my fake content in order to pay Facebook to promote my fake stories. And thusly we're growing bigger every day. Everyone, can I have your attention please? [the other workers look towards them] We have a new agent in Chaos. Please welcome Adam Borque. [the others clap for him] Here you go. You can take this workstation, Adam. Just start writing horrible things about people and presenting it as reality on Facebook. Alright! Don't forget we have a Chaos quota, gang! Let's really fuck shit up! [the workers resume their work] Scene Description: The school gym, day. A meeting is being held there: "Facebook in Your Community. Guest Speaker: Mark Zuckerberg". Mr. Mackey: Uh, alright, can everyone hear me in the back? Hm'kay, we're gonna get started here. I know you all have a lot of questions, so without further ado, let me introduce Mark Zuckerberg. [Zuckerberg walks up] Thanks for coming, Mr. Zuckerberg. Mark: [in a stilted manner. He speaks like this throughout the episode] Thank you. It is a great honor to be here amongst all of you. [immediately you can see his lips don't match his words] Mr. Mackey: For those of you who don't know uh, could you tell us who you are? Mark: I am the founder and chairman of Facebook. But I also have a shtoile that is completely unblockable. Mr. Mackey: Okay, we'll let him speak and then we'll uh open the floor to some questions if there's time, thank you. Mark: Thank you, right? [Mr. Mackey walks off] Alright, everyone here wants to see my shtoile. But first, what I'll need is a volunteer. Yes, you sir. Man 2: Mr. Zuckerberg, Facebook has become a tool for some to disrupt our country and our community. Mark: You say these things like they are my fault, and yet they are not. Man 2: Well, you did create a platform with a monetary incentive for people to spread misinformation? Mark: Ha ha ha ha ha! Now I see you're trying to use your shtoile over mine. Now, you try to block me. [assumes a fighting stance, puts his left palm out as far as it can go, and makes some odd sounds] Now you've learned that you cannot block me, yehhhs? [a woman raises her arm] Yes, what is your question? Woman 2: [stands up] How are we supposed to keep our kids-? [he interrupts her with some more fighting stances and odd sounds, and she sits down] Scene Description: Address 20802, day. Coon and Friends ring the doorbell there. A boy opens the door and looks at them. Cartman: Wilson Aubrey? Wilson: Yeah. Cartman: It's us, your heroes, Coon and Friends. We're uhm, just wondering why you stopped following us on Instagram? Wilson: Because you victimize innocent people and poop in little girls' mouths. Cartman: That's not true, Wilson. We're Coon and Friends, not Harvey Weinstein. Wilson: Facebook says it's true. Cartman: But it's NOT true. Wilson: But Facebook says it's true. Cartman: [gets in his face] Okay, but it's NOT true, and you need to have your own fucking brain and decide shit for yourself! Wilson: AAAAH! [shuts the door on Cartman, who's taken aback. Cartman turns around and leaves the house, and the other Coon Friends follow] Cartman: God dammit! Let's just face it! We're never gonna have a superhero franchise! Kyle: It's so unfair. Jimmy: Come on, fellas. Wu-we can't let Butters win. Cartman: Forget it, Fastpass. The world hates us now. Stan: Yeah, nobody believes in us. Jimmy: W-we believe in each other, don't we? [the others look at him] Who cares what everyone else thinks? I joined this franchise because I believe that it can make a lot of money. And being a superhero means you keep believing in that money, no matter how hard things get! Cartman: Fastpass is right. We let all this distract us from what's important. We just need to get the Netflix series and let our superhero franchise speak for itself! Kyle: Coon, everybody hates us. Cartman: Maybe so, but we know who we are! We are Coon Friends because we care about each other. Because we have each other's back! And when things look their darkest, these heroes will stand together! [Heidi walks up behind him] And we'll-! Heidi: Hey babe, what's up? [Cartman stands still a moment, then deflates. Several seconds later he sighs heavily a couple of times, closes his eyes, sniffle and groans, and puts his right hand over his right eye. He's at a loss for words as Heidi's smile fades] What are you up to? Cartman: [soft voice] Nothing, just fucking wearing sweet costumes and talking about fighting evil, is that okay? Heidi: I just- I thought we were meeting at the park. You didn't text or anything. Cartman: [soft voice, to himself] Oh my God, are you fucking kidding me right now? Heidi: Sorry! I won't interrupt! [turns around and walks off, Cartman watches her walk off with a concerned look on his face, then turns back to the other Coon Friends and continues his speech] Cartman: Because we are Coon and Friends, and as long as we have each other, we can do anything! Scene Description: The Tweak residence, day. Richard and his wife pull into their driveway, leave the car, and head for the front door. Richard: I swear, that was the worst public speaker I've ever seen. What was Mark Zuckerberg's point? Mrs. Tweak: I don't even understand what that was about. Richard: Guess nobody realized that Mark Zuckerberg was such a penis. Scene Description: The living room. The Tweaks enter and find Zuckerberg on their sofa eating a bowl of chips. Richard: What the hell? Mrs. Tweak: It's Mark Zuckerberg. Richard: I know who it is! [to Zuckerberg] Excuse me, what are you doing here?! Mark: I was invited here by people. Richard: We invited you to come speak to our community about our problems! Mark: [assumes a fighting stance] Ah, I see what you did there. Trying to block me, riiight? I'm tired of eating chips. What else is there? [makes his way to the kitchen and opens the refrigerator] Richard: Hey! Get out of our fridge! Mark: Ha ha ha, this puny refrigerator could not block me. What makes you think you can? Richard: Now you listen here! I will not-! [Zuckerberg puts up his left arm and holds it out as if creating a force field for blocking] Mark: Ha ha ha ha, you are no match for my shtoile. Scene Description: The supermarket parking lot, day. The Stotches reach their car and get in. As they buckle up, Mark jumps into the back seat. Mark: So, where are we headed? Perhaps we should get some food. Stephen: What, eh. Excuse me, this is our car?! Mark: You call this a car? It wasn't even remotely able to block me. What is this car's shtoile? Stephen: Get, get out of here, ya penis. Mark: Ha ha ha ha. You say I am a penis and yet I am not a penis. Scene Description: Netflix corporate offices, day. In a room full of telephone operators, one of them takes a call. Operator 1: Netflix, you're greenlit. Who am I speaking with? Cartman: [from home] Uh yes, hello. We have an idea for a show that we think would be great for Netflix. Operator 1: Okay, great. Would you like a pilot or just go straight to an order of six episodes? Cartman: We'd like to go right into six episodes with a pickup option at the end of three. Operator 1: Got it. Can you start shooting next month? Operator 2: Got a show about transsexual dragons here. Cartman: Yes. We are ready to start right now. We are very, very excited. Operator 1: Okay, sounds great, we'll send you the contracts. Oh, and uh, what's the show about? Cartman: It's a stand-alone series about a superhero called the Coon before he joins Coon and Friends. Operator 1: Coon and Friends? You mean, the kids I just read about in the news who stabbed Jessica Alba? Cartman: Look, you didn't, you didn't read that on the news you read that on Facebook! Stan: Aw man, here we go. Operator 1: Yeah, ah, dangit, we've never done this before, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to pass on your show. Cartman: Listen to me! There are falsehoods about us on Facebook that are NOT TRUE! Operator 1: Well then, you should have those things taken down. It can't be that hard. Cartman: It's a lot harder than you think! Operator 1: L-look, we'd love to approve your show, but you need to get those things cleared up first, okay? Thanks for calling. [hangs up and takes the next call] Netflix, you're greenlit. Who am I speaking with? Scene Description: Coutnry Kitchen Buffet, evening. As an elderly couple eats dinner, Zuckerberg walks up tp them, sits down and takes the man's soup bowl without asking, and starts eating. Elderly Man: What the? Who are you? Elderly Woman: I believe that's Mark Zuckerberg. Elderly Man: Hey that's my soup! Mark: [rises into a fighting stance] So, you are trying to block me, huh? That's fine. What's your shtoile? Elderly Man: I don't have a shtoile. Scene Description: The Valmer residence, day. Ryan is in the master bathroom brushing his teeth. He finishes and walks back into the bedroom, where he finds Zuckerberg eating chips in his bed. Ryan: Hey! Get out of my bed! Mark: I was invited here. I am only making use of a bed for sleeping, yehhhs? Ryan: We just wanted you to come share your insights on Facebook! Mark: [makes some strange motions and sounds] Oh, my head, my head. [makes more strange motions and sounds] You should have worked with me when you had the chance. Now you lie over there, dead. Scene Description: The abandoned Circuit City store, day. Inside, Butters looks down from the second floor at his working staff. Butters: Attention employees. Kelly Shmidt has just written her 100th fake blog post that was shared over a thousand times on Facebook. Let's hear it for Kelly! [the staffers clap] Don't forget about those Chaos incentives! You too can benefit from pandemonium. [smiles. Coon and Friends show up and walk through the front doors] Cartman: Butters! Adam: Whoa no, it's Coon and Friends! [he and the other staffers hide under their desks] Chaos #35: Oh no! Butters: Calm down, everyone. Stick to your work. I will deal with these trespassers. Kyle: We're here to put an end to you, Chaos! Cartman: Yeah! I don't have buttsex with antelopes and Token doesn't poop in girls' mouths! Butters: It's the 21st century, gentlemen! There's nothing illegal about what I'm doing. Jimmy: Yeah? Nothing illegal about us kicking your ah...ass either. Butters: Actually, that IS illegal. And besides, you can't do anything to me. [whistles. Zuckerberg emerges from the back of the store on the second floor, flips over the balcony, and lands in front of Butters] Mark: Bwaaaaaa! So, this is the Coon and Friends that you have told me about. [to the Coon Friends] I warn you, my fighting shtoile is unsurpassed. Jimmy: Who the ss-Sam Hell is th-that? Clyde: I think that's Mark Zuckerberg. Mark: You want to get to Butters, riiight? You're gonna have to get through me, huuuh?! Stan: Dude, this kid is deliberately lying about us on your platform for no other reason than to cause harm! Why are you protecting him?! Mark: Simple. He paid me $17.23. Butters: It's the Facebook Safeguard program. Just $17 monthly gets you personal protection from Mark Zuckerberg. Mark: Come on! What's your shtoile? Scene Description: The Park County Police Station, day. The townsfolk are gathered in front of it, protesting. Sgt. Yates begins to speak. Sgt. Yates: Alright, alright, everyone calm down! I can't hear over all of you. [the crowd quiets down] Stephen: You have to do something! This guy's goin' around acting like everyone's stuff is his! Thomas: I'm sick of getting out of the shower to find Mark Zuckerberg sitting on my toilet! Steve: Zuckerberg ate everything in our freezer and then helped himself to my wife's lubricant! [the crowd begins to clamor again] Sgt. Yates: Alright, everyone, I just want to know one thing. Who invited him here? [the crowd falls silent] Come on. Who invited Mark Zuckerberg to town in the first place? [the folks hang their head in shame] Randy: We did. [other townsmen say the same thing] Sgt. Yates: Huh? What's that? Randy: We invited Mark Zuckerberg to town. Sgt. Yates: Uh huh, that's what I thought. You all brought Mark Zuckerberg into your lives and now you want the police to shoot him. Stephen: Please, you don't understand! He-h he's such a penis! Thomas: Yeah, and I'm pretty sure his voice is dubbed and he does all his own sound effects. Sgt. Yates: Well that doesn't mean he's done anything illegal. Now, the police will help deal with Mark Zuckerberg, but we aren't going to shoot him. The crowd: Awwwwww! Sgt. Yates: I'm sorry, that's just the way it is. You all should've thought harder about this before letting him into your lives. Scene Description: Cartman's basement, day. Coon and Friends are gathered around the Coon table waiting. Cartman: When we all became superheroes, we took an oath. that no matter what it took, we would all make shitloads of money. But thanks to Mark Zuckerberg, right now, we are a superhero group that can't even get a show on Netflix. Kenny: Zuckerberg is the key. He's the only person who can shut down Facebook. Kyle: How are we gonna get him to do that? Cartman: We're gonna beat him at his own game. Scene Description: South Park, day, one end of town. The police have set up a roadblock consisting of four police cars, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Barkley: We got the west entrance to town secure. How are you guys doing out east? Foley: Here he comes... [looks left and walks towards the roadblock. Zuckerberg walks towards town slowly] Barkley: Okay, Mr. Zuckerberg, that's gonna have to be it. Can't let you into town. Mark: So, you think you can block me. Barkley: Look, people don't want you here, okay? This is a quiet little town and- Mark: Ha ha ha! You cannot block me! Barkley: But there's plenty of other places you could go, sir. Can you please just- [Zuckerberg strikes some poses and makes some odd sounds] Don't, don't do that, please. Mark: [continues making strange sounds and begins moving through the roadblock] My brain, my brain. [more strange sounds] Barkley: He walked though. Mark: [more strange sounds] Oh my car, my car. [more strange sounds and motions] Oh my God it's Mark Zuckerberg. [more strange sounds and motions] Oh my God how'd he do that? [more strange sounds and motions. Jimmy zooms across the street behind him. He turns around, and Jimmy passes by three more times behind him] Jimmy: What's the matter? Too f-fast for ya? Mark: Ha ha ha, you saw me walk right through the police barricade and yet you think you can block me, riiight? Go ahead and try. [Jimmy walks up to him and between his legs to the other side. Both of them are making their own sound effects] Token: [jumps into view] Now, Zuckerberg! Let me see you block my shtoile! Mark: Ha ha ha ha ha! [they both make their own sound effects and move around] Kyle: [appeaers and approaches Zuckerberg] Bwa! Dadadadadadadada bam! [punches him in the groin] Mark: Oh... [falls over his his hands over his privates. The other Coon Friends rush in and kick him on all sides] Hagh. Ow. I have never witness this shtoile before. Thomas: Hey look! The freaky costume kids are getting Zuckerberg! Get him, kids! Randy: Poop in his mouth! Mark: [Zuckerberg stands up and throws them all off. He then takes on Jimmy, Kyle, and Token individually and defeats them] Rwaaaar! Coon Friends: [hitting the ground] Aaaah! Mark: Ha ha ha, you tried to match my shtoile and failed! Cartman: [walks into view] Oho, it is over! My friends are all beaten! Why?! They were just children! [walks up to Token] This one, simply protesting for black lives! [walks up to Jimmy] And this child tryin' to speak out for handicapped people! Jimmy: Wha- Why, Mark Zuckerberg?? Cartman: And my friend Kyle, guilty of nothing but standing up for the rights of Jews! Mark: What what what what are you talking about? Cartman: [whispers triumphantly] Ever heard of Facebook Live? [Mark doesn't follow, but Craig is shown in an alley recording this encounter onto his laptop. He waves at Cartman. Cartman turns toward the camera] We are just kids trying to have our voices heard for black, handicapped, and Jewish rights, cut down in our prime by Mark Zuckerberg. Mark: But, but hold on, that, that's not true. Cartman: [triumphantly turns around] Facebook says it's true. Mark: Noooooooo! [quickly checks his phone] Scene Description: At Chaos City, Butters' lair, the workstations stop working. Workers: Huh? Hey. What? Huh? Butters: What's goin' on? Hey everyone, keep working! Worker 1: We can't. Worker 2: Something's wrong with Facebook. Adam: It's gone. Like, somebody shut it down. Butters: What are you talking about? [a door is heard shut] Cartman: It's over, Chaos! [shown with the other Coon Friends] We forced your little toady to shut down his own disorder device! Butters: Curse you, Coon and Friends! This isn't over! Stan: Oh yes it is. [Behind Coon and Friends, Butters' parents enter the abandoned store] Stephen: Butters! You're the one who started all this?! Butters: Uh oh. Scene Description: The Kremlin, day. It's snowing there. Stephen drags Butters along as they talk over each other. Stephen: You think you're just so smart, don't you?! Make me look like a fool, will you?! We'll just see about this! Butters: Wah. No sir, I, ah. No sir, I just ah. Scene Description: The Kremlin, inside. Stephen drags Butters into Vladimir Putin's office. Stephen: Not so funny now, is it?! Go on! Tell Mr. Putin what you told me! Butters: Well I was just, uh, well, I just said how I just used Facebook like Russia did. And I really didn't break any rules. Stephen: Didn't break any rules?! Good job teaching our children that's all that matters! Just because there's a way to cause chaos in a town, or disrupt an entire country, doesn't mean you go and do it, does it?! If Mark Zuckerberg points a loaded cannon at someone's face, [points at Putin] are you innocent for just lighting the fuse?! Answer me! Putin: Nyet, ser. ["No, sir."] Stephen: No! You don't go around making things up about people either! Unless it's about Mark Zuckerberg, because he deserves it! [walks towards the door] I hope you're both very satisfied with the damage you've caused, because you're both GROUNDED! [leaves and slams the door] Scene Description: Cartman's basement, day. The Coon and Friends are reunited there once again. Cartman: Coon friends, we have done it. Facebook is gone, and Netflix approved our TV show. All we have to do now is agree on the final draft of the franchise plan. [shown once again, with some changes] You can see that the Super Craig movie now precedes the Coon vs. Super Craig movie, followed by Mysterion's video game. And then we- Kenny: How come I have to have the video game? I want a movie too! Cartman: You have a movie, Mysterion. You're in the third Coon and Friends United movie [Coon and Friends United 3], after your video game. Craig: Yeah, but he's saying he doesn't ever get his own movie. Jimmy: Do I get my own movie? Cartman: Not everyone gets their own movie! Tweek: This franchise plan sucks! Clyde: Oh Jesus, here we go again. Stan: No, Wonder Tweek is right. It was better when we started the movies off with the Tupperware prequel. Kyle: Dude you can't do a prequel first. Stan: Why not? Kyle: 'Cause then it's not a prequel, it's just... first. And besides, Tupperware isn't our strongest character. Token: Fuck you, it's better than the Human Kite! Kenny: He just likes this plan because he gets two movies in Phase 1. Cartman: Guys! We have to just go with this plan! We don't even have one movie yet! Stan: You go with the plan! Maybe we'll just... go and do our own franchise! Kenny: Yeah! Tweek: Yeah! Cartman: Oh! You want civil war! Is that what you want?! Stan: Yeah dude, civil war. Fuck you! [leaves the table and the basement] Cartman: Oh fu- oh fuck you! Get out of my house! Kenny: We'll make WAY more money on OUR franchise! [Token and Tweek leave, then Kenny leaves] Cartman: Go ahead! I bet you don't even get halfway through Phase 1 on your franchise, DC Comics! [after Kenny leaves, the door closes. A few seconds of silence follows] Craig: I thought Civil War wasn't supposed to happen until Phase 3. Cartman: Shut up, Super Craig.

Scene Description: A children's party, day, "Happy Birthday, Marcus!". As the kids have a blast, a parent walks up on stage. which has an electric guitar off to one side. Butters swings at a piñata blindfolded. Wendy and Nelly jump around in the bounce house. Marcus' Dad: Okay, okay, can everyone hear me? [taps on the mic to make sure it works] Hello? [the kids quiet down a bit] Thanks, everyone, for helping us celebrate Marcus' birthday. [the kids clap for him] As a special birthday surprise for you, Marcus, we got you your favorite entertainer. Everyone, please welcome Chuck E. Cheese. [A Chuck E. Cheese mascot stumbles onto the stage] Chuck E. Cheese: Hey. [hits his snout on the mic] Check. Marcus: [laughs as the other kids cheer] Yes. Yehehehehes. Chuck E. Cheese: [hits his snout on the mic again, pics up a guitar, and begins to play it as he sings] I ah thanks... for'm celeb... Marcus's birthday. Marcus' Mom: What's wrong with him? Marcus' Dad: Can't you tell? He's high on painkillers! Chuck: [stumbles some more and mumbles] Hold on. [strums] Shit. Okay, let's... do this... [Strums] Never meant to cause you any so- [barfs on stage, falls forward onto the ground in front of the stage and dies. Marcus screams] Scene Description: Marcus' front lawn, later. The kids and Marcus' dad look on as Chuck is loaded onto the gurney and put into the ambulance. Marcus' Dad: All right, kids, uh, why don't we head back to the party and cut the cake? Marcus: I don't want cake! Who's gonna eat cake at a time like this?! [wails. A paramedic closes the back doors of the ambulance as a police officer stands watch] Officer Stevens: Another drug overdose? Johnson: [the paramedic, hands the officer two medications] Most likely. Percolate and Oxycontin found wrapped in his cheesecloth. Officer Stevens: Prescription drugs, but with no prescription. Johnson: You guys know where all these illegal meds are coming from? Officer Stevens: Most likely from the prisons. Whenever there's a drug epidemic you can usually trace it back to people who've been... thrown away by society and forgotten about. Scene Description: Shady Acres Retirement Community, day. A rap song plays - "Stress" by Continental Five. All day I sat in my cell Just stressin', sittin' back, readin' my mail Reminiscin' about the good times I had Tryin' to relive all the good memories I have Hate the sound it makes when they close the gates Wake up at 6 to eat Nasty cornflakes - The residents look sad and bored. A couple of elderly men play poker. A line of elderly people move along as the cooks serve up their meals in a cafeteria line - one man tries to scoop some mashed potatoes from another man's tray, the other man swats the first man's spoon away. Another elderly man puts the finishing touches on a Hummel tattoo on another man's arm. The front door opens and Stan enters with a present. Vicky: [receptionist] Can I help you? Stan: Yeah, I'm here to visit my grandpa? Vicky: [puts her hand over her heart] Oh, how nice of you. All right, arms in the air. [two burly men approach Stan. One, Tony, takes the present and hands it to Vicky, the other, Toby, wands Stan. Vicky opens the package] What's the present? Stan: It's just some Hummels. Vicky: More Hummels? Why are senior citizens so infatuated with these little German statues? All right, go on, you got ten minutes. [Tony hands the present back to Stan, who goes on in] Scene Description: The rap picks up where it left off. - they call you in the mornin' and you gotta get up Play dice. Old-timers gonna teach you 'bout life. Get religious, start readin' 'bout Christ. Pray to God. Feels like I'm livin' in Hell But I'm stuck in a cell. Stan walks down the hallway, passing elderly people standing in the doorways to their rooms until he reaches Marvin's room, then enters it. Stan: Grandpa? Marvin: [looking out the window, turns to see him] Billy! [turns around and wheels towards him] Finally you're here to visit. Did you bring Grandpa a present? Stan: [gives Marvin the present] Yeah, I got what you wanted. [Marvin wheels away to his desk, where he opens the present.] Marvin: Awww, Merry Wanderer [The Hummel with yellow umbrella and bowler hat] and Happy Traveler? [The Hummel with bindle and feather in its cap] These Hummels suck! Stan: That's what the guy gave me. Marvin: It's okay, Billy. I'm just gonna need you to deliver another one of Ms. McGullicutty's crochet pillows. Stan: Aw, come on, Grandpa. Isn't it enough I come to visit? Marvin: You don't understand how it works in here. Ms. McGullicutty is top bitch. You do what she says, or you pay the price. Scene Description: Another rap song plays - "Brick in Yo' Face" by Stitches. Now whatcha gonna do with it? Now whatcha gonna do with it? Now whatcha gonna do with it? Better have my money when I come to collect. (when I come to collect, when I come to collect) Better have my money when I come to collect. (Pay up, pay up, pay up) I put that brick in yo' face {Say what?} Now whatcha gonna do with it? Now whatcha gonna do with it? Now whatcha gonna do with it? Ms. McGullicutty walks down the hallway with two other women. The other residents cower in fear as the three women pass their doors. Elderly Man 1: Oh, please, uh I don't want no trouble. [the three women enter his room] I'm sorry. I'll get better Hummels. Scene Description: Downtown South Park, day. Stan waits at a corner with the crochet pillow. A car passes by. Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny walk up behind him. Kyle: Dude, Stan. Come on, dude, we're gonna go set off fireworks at Kenny's house. Stan: I will. I just gotta do this for my grandpa first. Cartman: Again? Dude, how many crappy crochet pillows do you have to give out for him? Stan: I don't know. It's what he wants. I feel bad for him, all right? I think he's miserable. Cartman: He's old. He's supposed to be miserable. Stan: Look, I just gotta make this exchange for him and then we can go. Oh, oh, I think this is her now. [a red fox with blue gloves and mask prances over] Swiper: Are you Stan Marsh? It's me, Swiper. Stan: Cool. Do you have the Hummel? Swiper: [looks around, then reaches into her tote bag and pulls one out] This is it. Ride Into Christmas, Limited Edition. Now give me the pillow. I have to get to a birthday party. Stan: 'Kay, fine. [makes the exchange, and Swiper shakes the pillow until she's satisfied] Swiper: All right, peace. [prances away] Kyle: Dude, that's really weird. Stan: Old people love Hummels, dude. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, cafeteria. Marcus, standing next to a projector screen, addresses everyone in the cafeteria. Marcus: Students, faculty, and staff, today we are facing an epidemic of catastrophic proportions. I know I am not alone in mourning the loss of one of our greatest entertainers, [click. A picture comes up on the projector screen] Chuck E. Cheese. Had we known the personal hell he was going through, perhaps we could've helped. But toooo many were more than eager to supply Chuck E. with the opioids that caused his untimely death. Chuck E. was not the first entertainer to die from this epidemic. Let us not forget Dinkie Dook the Clown [shown with an accordion], dead of a Roxanol overdose at Tommy Schneider's bar mitzvah last March. Shimmer and Shine [two genies], who both collapsed from massive amounts of oxycodone at Nelly Anderson's birthday party. Spider-man, cut down in prime by Demerol, and just recently, Swiper the Fox. dead of multiple opioids found in his crochet pillow. How many more entertainers must we lose before we take action?! It is time to declare war on opioids in our society! [the kids cheer and clap as Stan Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny are shocked at what they just heard] Scene Description: The boys' bathroom, later. Stan runs in, quickly followed by Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny. Cartman: Dude, what the fuck, Stan?! Stan: I don't know, all right?! Kyle: You didn't know you were slinging drugs for your grandpa? Stan: It didn't occur to me as a possibility. Cartman: Dude, did you hear everyone in school?! They're coming after you! You killed Swiper the Fox, and we were standing there with you! You gotta tell people we had no idea what was going on! Stan: I had no idea what was going on! Butters: [walks in and goes to the urinal] Hey fellas! [smiles and looks at them, then turns around and drops his pants and briefs, then lifts up his shirt and pees in the urinal] Boy, that Marcus kid is on the warpath, huh? Well, he's really motivated. I mean, screw that kid, but I guess it's good somebody's finally doing something about these goddamn drug dealers. [Butters finishes, flushes the urinal, zips up, and turns towards the other boys and looks at them again, smiling] Well, see ya, fellas. [turns left and walks out. The other boys haven't moved an inch the whole time he was there] Cartman: Our only way out is to go to the police right now and turn Stan's grandpa in! Stan: No, we don't have to do that! Let me talk to him. I can put a stop to this. Scene Description: The retirement home, day. Stan is visiting Marvin again. They're eating lunch together. Stan: [whispering] Grandpa, what the hell have you gotten me into?! Marvin: [whispering] Shhh, quiet. They'll hear you! Stan: There were drugs in the crochet pillow, weren't there?! Do you know people are dying?! Marvin: What do you want me to do, Billy? You see Ms. McGullicutty over there? [she's shown tripping a man as he walks to a table with his lunch and chuckling to herself] Whoever has the best Hummel collection is top bitch in this place, and she's got the best. She's ruthless, and she has those old lady farts. You know old lady farts, right? Where they're so loose they don't even acknowledge they happened? Ms. McGullicutty: Oh, hello Mr. Marsh. [pfffft] Marvin: Oh, Ms. McGullicutty. How are you feeling today? Ms. McGullicutty: I'm doing very well. [turns her back to him and farts again] Have they given you Percocet for that knee of yours? [pfffft] Marvin: Oh, yeah, here, I I just got it, huh. Here you go. [hands her the Percocet] Ms. McGullicutty: Oh, you'd almost think you were trying to keep them from me. [pfffft] Stan: Oh, uh, ma'am? My grandpa actually really needs those drugs. He's in a lot of pain. Ms. McGullicutty: Ohhh, and who's this little rascal? [walks around to Stan's chair and looks over his shoulder] Marvin: That's my grandson, uh he he's worthless. Ms. McGullicutty: How sweet. [pfffft] Hmmm, coming to visit your old poppa in the joint, huh? You love your poppa, don't you? [pfffft. Stan winces] You'd hate to see him suffer even more he already is. [slow, soft pfffft. Stan avoids looking at her and winces again. Now she addresses Marvin] You watch your ass, Marsh, or I'll have you sent to the quiet room. [pfffft. She turns right and walks away, hitting a man with her can on the way out] Stan: What, what is she talking about? What's the quiet room? Marvin: I told you, she has all the pull in here. You go against what she says, you end up in solitaire. Scene Description: The solitaire room, moments later. Toby and Tony bring in one of the residents to the solitaire table and sit him down. Mr. Standish: No! No, please, uh I didn't do anything! Tony: It's all right, Mr. Standish, you just need a little quiet time. Mr. Standish: Uh, I don't even know how to play solitaire. Please! [they lock him up and leave] Scene Description: The Park County Coroner's office, day. Marcus approaches and enters the lobby. Marcus: I understand that today they are performing Chuck E. Cheese's autopsy? Receptionist: Oh, the kids' party performer. Yeah. Marcus: As a concerned member of the public, I wish to be present. Receptionist: Uh, sorry, children aren't really allowed in autopsies. Marcus: Then I shall wait here to learn the coroner's findings. Scene Description: The forensics lab, moments later. Chuck E. Cheese is on a bed covered in a sheet. A police officer stands by the entrance. Coroner: Toxicology reports show subject had massive amounts of opioids in system at time of death. Now proceeding. [he and his assistant pull the sheet off and the coroner begins to saw the performer's mask off. The officer begins to feel sick. The mask is finally removed, and the officer vomits] Scene Description: The lobby, moments later. The coroner enters with a bag of trash. Coroner: Have these put in the garbage. Marcus: What did you find, coroner? Coroner: Who is this? Marcus: There is an epidemic in our community, sir. Some of us actually care to confront the problem! Now, dammit, what did you find? Coroner: Nothing out of the ordinary. The subject died of a simple overdose. We found nothing else except for two Hummmels in the subject's rectal cavity. Marcus: Hummels? In his rectal cavity, you say? And you do not find this out of the ordinary? Coroner: Not at all. We found Hummels in nearly all the birthday entertainers' anal cavities. It's very common in our overdose victims. Marcus: Mmmm, a bit too common, don't you think? Scene Description: The Marsh house, dinner. The family is eating dinner. Shelly just looks at her food, lost in thought. Stan: Guys, why does Grandpa have to be in a nursing home? Can't he live with us again? Randy: Stan, Grandpas has a lot of needs that we can't provide him here. He needs professional supervision. Stan: Is that really it? Because I, I just feel like we kind of threw Grandpa away and forgot about him. Randy: Oh really? Do you have any idea how much money we pay to have Grandpa in that place? Your grandpa is stylin'! Can you imagine being able to just sit around all day and not have to do anything but eat and watch TV? Stan: Yeah. I'd probably go crazy and wanna kill myself. Randy: Jesus, Stan! It's not like he's in jail! Stan: Yeah, it's kind of like jail. You should go visit him. Randy: I can't! I'm too busy busting my ass to pay the bills for that place, and to pay for your guitar lessons! Stan: I don't have guitar lessons. Randy: I don't want to go there. It's depressing. Aw you tricked me. Stan: [his phone rings and he answers] Hello? Kyle: [at the downtown corner with Butters] Dude! Did you give Butters a crochet pillow to drop off?! Stan: [quickly leaves the table] Dude, I don't have a choice. I have to get the Hummels for my grandpa. Kyle: Well, you need to get Hummels without making Butters a drug dealer! Butters: Drug dealer?? Stan: All right, all right! I think I know another way. Scene Description: Shady Acres Retirement Community, day. A different rap song plays - "They Got Me Locked Up In Here" by Killer Mike. As it does, the folllowing happens. Toby wheels a man down the hallway, then changes a woman's bed pan. A cook serves up mashed potatoes to a resident and spills some of it outside his tray. A doctor gives a resident some pills, and that resident turns and gives them to Ms. McGullicutty. Other residents line up and do the same. Ms. McGullicutty and her two friends sew the meds into crochet pillows and pass them out to the residents. A resident gives one to her granddaughter, who takes it. An elderly man is working out with small barbells. A resident is in his room looking at his small Hummel collection. The fake plant and mini waterfall are shown. The doctor returns to give another resident five medications. The resident who gave her pillow to her granddaughter says goodbye to her and her parents, then goes back inside with Nurse Lisa. Ms. McGullicutty adds more Hummels to her display case. Stan is at the toy store buying more Hummels. Stan is shown watching the Hummel Shopping Network and purchasing more Hummels over the phone as his friends watch from the sofa. Tony and Toby process Stan again and send him in. Stan gives Marvin a new Hummel. Ms. McGullicutty walks down the hallway with her friends again. Next, Marisol goes over the October activities with the residents. Next the residents go on a tour bus. Next, a kids choir sings for them. Next, canasta is shown. Next, a family says bye to their grandpa and leave. A female resident is wheeled into the hospice section of the retirement community. They got me locked up in here. They got me locked up in here. And I'm sittin' doin' hard time. Pissin' in a metal bowl, eat shit from a lunch line (They got me locked up) And here nobody knows you by your name. You're just a number livin' under bitch-ass rules of a broken game. They put me here to die, left me angry and alone. For the crime of bein' old they threw me in this nursin' home. They got me locked up in here. Rottin' in my cell They got me- Fake plants and waterfalls, it's a livin' hell. They got me locked up in here. So they can throw away their troubles. They got me- All that I have now are my little German Hummels! Hummels! Hummels! Hummels! They got me- Brand new bitch was just admitted next do'. Hot piece of ass 'cause she's only eighty fo'. Next bingo night I'll pound that pussy black and blue. As long as I can get her before Tommy's grandpa do. They got me- Man I can't handle these old people activities. Tour group on a bus. Children come to sing to us. 3 pm canasta, they put me out to pasture. Death row? stop this! I think they call it Hospice Hospice, hospice, hospice. Delivery man: Hey, we have this week's delivery of medications. Vicky: Bring them in. [the delivery man goes outside and motions for a truck driver to back up and dump the medications. The truck backs up and dumps the meds onto the asphalt at the community's entrance, then rolls away. Stan has walked up to the community entrance and watches the truck leave] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Stan is at his locker getting his books. He closes is and finds Marcus looking at him. Stan: Ah! Marcus: Hello, Mr. Marsh. Stan: Uh hey, hey Marcus. Marcus: I understand you've become quite the Hummel collector lately. What's the... fascination with Hummels? Stan: Nothing. I-look, I, I just really like Hummels, okay? I'm just, I'm really into Hummels. Marcus: Ah! I see. So then you should be able to tell me what this Hummel is called! Stan: That, that's uh... Marcus: Come on! If you're a Hummel expert, then you should know its name! Stan: That, it's, it's "Whistling In The Rain." Marcus: Wrong! It's called "Stormy Weather!" Do you know where it was found? Stan: No. Marcus: It was found deep in the anus of one Chuck E. Cheese, the renowned entertainer beloved by millions! If you know something about the epidemic that is killing artists, you'd better cough it up! Stan: Marcus, trust me. You don't wanna get involved. Marcus: I became involved when Chuck E. Cheese collapsed like a rag doll before my very eyes! If you had any involvement, I will bring you down! Scene Description: Shady Acres, day. Randy and Sharon visit Marvin. Seems they've been silent for a while. Randy: Well, it's really great seeing you, Dad. Guess we oughtta hit the road soon. Marvin: You finally come to visit and leave after 10 minutes? Randy: Aw Jesus, now we know where Stan gets his guilt trips from! Mrs. McGullicutty: [appears at Marvin's door] Mmmm [Marvin looks over his shoulder], it seems somebody's been a little naughty lately. [pfffft] Marvin: [turns a bit to see her] Oh, Ms. McGullicutty, heh heh. How are you? Mrs. McGullicutty: [walks over to Marvin's meager Hummel collection] Hrrmm. My, what a lovely Hummel collection you're starting to amass. [sniffs] Almost smells [pfffft]... brand new, doesn't it? [pfft. She turns to face Marvin] Like it was purchased right from the factory. [pfffft] Ooooo! And who are these lovely people? [walks up to Randy and Sharon] Family that came to visit, no doubt? [pfft] Randy: [holding his breath] Yes. Yeah, we love coming here. Mrs. McGullicutty: Ah, family. I remember when I was a little girl. [pfffft] My brother used to play such tricks on me. [pfft-pfft] Tried to fool me. Tried to get out from his responsibilities. [pfffft] Marvin: I'm giving you Hummels. What's it matter where they came from? [Mrs. McGullicutty farts again] Mrs. McGullicutty: [chuckles] Nooo, [Randy covers his nose] it doesn't matter to me. But it matters to them. [pfffft] The big guys. You see, what they want is more people who are addicted to crochet pillows. [pfffft] Got it? [pfffft. She makes her way towards the door] Nice to meet you fine folks. [pfffft] Randy: Wugh. [whispers to Sharon] We're never visiting here again. Scene Description: Kyle's house. Cartman and Butters are playing a video game as Kyle and Kenny watch. Butters reacts as if he's a goner. Cartman: Ohooo, you're dead Butters. Butters: Haw Jeez. Stan: [runs in] Guys! Guys, I need your help. Cartman: If it has to do with your heroin operation, count us out. Stan: I just talked to my grandpa. There's more at work here than just old people pushing pills. Kyle: Stan, we told you we don't wanna be involved. Stan: [stands in front of the TV] The head bitch of the nursing home is gonna take my grandpa down. Maybe my whole family. Butters: [trying to see the game] Get out of the way, dude! Stan: But I know what to do! Whoever has the best Hummels controls the nursing home. We've gotta steal this lady's Hummel collection and give it to my grandpa! Cartman: [walks up to Stan] Dude, Stan, even if we wanted to help you, which we don't, there's no way we can sneak into an old folks home, distract all the old people, and take an old lady's Hummels! [turns to the left with a thought and walks off] Oh wait, there totally is a way we could do that. Stan: [catches up] Yeah? What ih, what is it, Cartman. Kyle: Dude, we're not getting involved! Stan: Cartman, if you have an idea, please tell me. I need you. Cartman: I know how to distract old people. Kyle: Haww shit! Scene Description: Marcus's house, living room. A cordless phone rings, and Marcus answers it. Marcus: Yes? Annie: We're at Mimi Thompson's party. Peppa Pig just collapsed on stage. [it's Mimi's 10th birthday] Marcus: Oh my God! Don't let anyone near Peppa Pig until I arrive! [leaves the house. Soon he's at the party] Move aside! Let me through! [reaches the stage and kneels next to Peppa] Aw Peppa. Peppa, can you hear me? [Peppa moans] My name is Marcus Preston. Can you understand me? Where did you get the drugs, Peppa? Was it from Stan Marsh? Peppa: [a black man in costume] Yo man, whatchoo talkin' about? Get me a fuckin' ambulance! Marcus: [tearing up] Shh, Peppa. Focus. Soon you'll be in heaven jumping in all the puddles you can imagine. But first, you must tell me, where do the Hummels go, Peppa? Ambulance lady: All right, let us through. Get away, kids. Marcus: Peppa, now! Why Hummels?! You've got to squeal! Peppa: Old people. Old people... love... Hummels. [groans a couple more times and dies] Marcus: It's okay, she's with Chuck E. Cheese now. Scene Description: Shady Acres, day. The front doors open. Cartman, Kyle, Kenny, and Butters enter as a barbershop quartet. Vicky: Can I help you? Cartman: Oh yes, hello. We are adorable children here to entertain old people. Vicky: Didn't think we had anyone scheduled tonight. Are you with the Protestant youth group? Cartman: Yes that's right, we are young prostitutes here to volunteer however we can. Vicky: Fine. Round them up, we got another kids choir! Scene Description: The hallway. Toby walks down it and announces. Toby: Come on, let's go. Children's choir in the commons. Residents: [amid groans] Aw dammit. Shit. Toby: Darlin' children are gonna sing for you! Move your asses! Elderly Man 2: Aw, not again. Scene Description: The commons, later. The boys are on stage. Cartman: All right, seniors. How are we feeling tonight? Our youth group has come to lift your spirits with some songs to take you down memory lane. We hope you can enjoy some nice old-people music. [blows into a pitch pipe to determine a scale to sing in] Cartman: I'm... insane in the membrane. The Boys: Insane in the membrane. Butters: Insane in the brain The Boys: Crazy insane, got no brain. Cartman: In the membrane. Scene Description: The hallway. Stan looks at every name on the residents' doors to find Mrs. McGullicutty's room. Scene Description: The commons. The boys move on to their next song. Cartman: Myyyy milkshake brings all the boys The Boys: to the yard, and they're like [Butters sticks his finger into his mouth and pops it out] it's better than yours. Cartman: Damn right! The Boys: [Butters sticks his finger into his mouth and pops it out] it's better than yours. Cartman: My hot milkshake. And now here's our own take on that oldie, but goodie by Nirvana. The Boys: In the cool, cool winter. Cartman: Rape me. The Boys: In the hot hot summertime. Rape me, my friend. Elderly Man 3: You suck! Cartman: Hey hey! We are adorable children trying to bring sunshine into your lives! Elderly Man 3: [gives Cartman the bird] Fuck you! Cartman: Fuck you! [picks a different note] If you The Boys: Want to call me baby Cartman: Just go ahead now- Scene Description: Mrs. McGullicutty's room, in the dark. Stan is now inside. He looks around and stumbles across the bed pan. He's a bit startled, but soon sees the display case, lit up inside. He gets a hair clip out and picks the display case's lock. The lock opens and he opens the display case doors. He stuffs his bag with every Hummel in the case. The door swings open slowly, and Marcus walks in on him. Marcus: Hello, Mr. Marsh! Stan: Marcus. Marcus: [turns on the light] I told you I'd bring you down. [quickly takes out his phone and takes a picture] Stan: Marcus, it's not what you think. I'm trying to make things better here. [he and Marcus begin to walk around each other slowly] Marcus: Oh, I bet you are! You, your grandpa, ALL the people here, are going to jail! I'm calling the police! Stan: You can put an end to this place, but you won't be stopping the problem. These people are victims too, Marcus. Victims of a way bigger game being played by way bigger people! Marcus: [turns his back to Stan] Oh, you're a fine one for speeches! When it comes to saving your own ass! Stan: It's not for me, Marcus. Look, I know you loved Chuck E. Cheese. [Marcus stops dialing] I know you'd do anything to bring down the people who took him from you. [Marcus begins to soften and soon gets emotional] That's why you have to go further, Marcus. Take it to the people who profited from Chuck E.'s addiction. Marcus: [turns around, sobbing] He was just a mouse... who wanted to make people happy. [walks up to Stan, and they hug each other] Stan: I know. I know. Scene Description: The commons. The boys move on to their next song. Kyle provides a bass beat. The Boys: No time to search the world around When I come around. When I come around. Cartman: I come around. [the residents begin to leave one by one] Butters: Hey, where are ya'll goin'? Mrs. McGullicutty: Back to our rooms. You kids are absolutely awful. [pfffft] Scene Description: The hallway. The residents go to their rooms. Mrs. McGullicutty: [notices her door already open] What the? [pfft] Someone is in my room! [pfffft. She goes in with her two friends] Scene Description: Mrs. McGullicutty's room. She gasps, then farts. Mrs. McGullicutty: Whaaaat?! [pfffft] Scene Description: Marvin Marsh's room. He rolls in and finds Stan there. Marvin: Billy. What are you doin' here? Stan: [moves to his right] Surprise, Grandpa. [a bag appears where Stan stood just moments ago] I got what you needed. Marvin: Heh. [rolls forward] Billy, Mrs. McGullicutty's Hummel collection. You got it for me. Stan: Yeah, Grandpa. Now you can put a stop to all this, right? Marvin: Yeah. I just might be able to. Scene Description: The hallway. Ms. McGullicutty and her friends rush down the hallway. Scene Description: Marvin Marsh's room. Marvin rises from his wheelchair. Stan: What are you doing, Grandpa? Marvin: I told you, Billy. These Hummels hold a special power with old people. Mrs. McGullicutty: [enters with her friends] You! [pfffft] Marvin: [to Stan] Go on, get out of here. Mrs. McGullicutty: You really thought stealing my Hummels would make you the head bitch in this place?! [pfffft] Marvin: Yeah. I think it will. [swings the bag around and gives her a bloody nose] Mrs. McGullicutty: Aaah! [Marvin swings the bag around and takes out Mrs. McGullicutty's friends, he keeps swinging at them as they escape his room. The other residents look out of their rooms and cheer him on. He swings at Mrs. McGullicutty all the way down the hallway until she stops moving. The boys arrive] Marvin: [turns and looks at the boys, and smiles] Now you know how we do shit in the nursing home. Cartman: ...That's pretty sweet. Scene Description: South Park, dawn. The sun comes up over town. Scene Description: Shady Acres. Tony and Toby escort Ms. McGullicutty away from the Senior Cafe. Mrs. McGullicutty: You get your paws off of me, young man! [pfffft] Tony: There there, Ms. McGullicutty. Everything's gonna be all right. [they take her to solitaire] Mrs. McGullicutty: No! [pfffft] Not solitaire! [pfffft] I won't play it! You can't make me! [pffpffft. Tony and Toby put her inside and lock the door. Stan and Marvin watch from the Senior Cafe] Stan: Congratulations on becoming head bitch, Grandpa. Marvin: Thank you, Billy. Now if we could only take down the real douchebags who profit from all this. Stan: Ahhh, don't worry. I have a feeling that's about to happen. Scene Description: Pebble Beach Hotel and Resort, Florida, day. There's a doctors' seminar there for U.S. Pharmaceuticals. Inside, jazz music place and conversations fill the air. The doors open, Marcus enters, and the music stops playing. Marcus: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Marcus Preston. I have... some questions.

Scene Description: South Park, evening. Gerald drives his car down a street with two other men, Stuart and Roger, all dressed as witches. The song playing is Bow Wow Wow's "I Want Candy." The men bop along with it and eventually smile. Stuart: What time are the other guys gettin' there? Roger: Everyone just said sundown, which should be soon. Gerald: I want candy. The Three men: I want candy. Scene Description: The Valmer house, moments later. Gerald pulls up to the house and honks a few times. Ryan peeks out, then comes out in his witch costume and a bag, and enters the car. Gerald: Lookin' good, Ryan. Ryan: Yeah, I got a real cape this year. Check it out. [holds it up for the others to check out, and Gerald pulls away] Scene Description: The Marsh house, moments later. Randy is dressed, just tying his right boot up. Randy: Hey Sharon, did you see the box of Jack Daniels? Sharon: Oh no, you're not doing this again. Randy: What do you mean? Of course I am. Sharon: Stan wanted us to take him to the pumpkin patch. Randy: Sharon, you know the week leading up to Halloween is always my Witch Party Week with the guys. Sharon: Yeah, and you guys get wasted. Randy: We have some drinks. Come on, all the other guys' wives aren't being bitchy about it. Scene Description: The street, moments later. Gerald pulls up to Randy's house and honks. Randy comes out with a case of Jack Daniels and heads for the car. Randy: Sup, witches! [gets into the car] Gerald: Alright, Randy's got the JD! Randy: Yep. Who's got the other stuff. Stuart: Kevin said he's bringing it. [Randy chuckles, then the other men join in] Scene Description: Heidi's room, evening. Cartman is there, waiting on her. Cartman: [Impatient, yet quiet] Come on, come on... [normal voice] Sweetheart, can we get going, please? Heidi: [from her closet] Hang on, babe. Just a couple more things. [tosses out random pieces of clothing] Cartman: Honey, the pumpkin patch opened like an hour ago and 'member how I was saying I want to get there early? Heidi: [dressed in a black spider suit and orange skirt with bats on it] What do you think? Cartman: [urgently] Great, perfect. Let's go to the pumpkin patch. Heidi: Yup! Almost ready. [gets up on her chair and pulls out two items from her dresser] Cartman: Wha-what? Heidi: Okay, spider or the bat? Cartman: [getting exasperated] The spider's great. Heidi: Really? 'Cause I think I like the bat. Cartman: [quietly, from the other side of her bed] Why does she do this every time? Heidi: What, babe? Cartman: [urgently] I said it's time. Boy, look at the time. Heidi: 'Kay, all set. Cartman: [leaves the bedroom] 'Kay, here we go, going to the pumpkin patch. Heidi: [leaves the bedroom] Okay! Oh! I forgot my glitter lip gloss! [heads for the bathroom] Cartman: You don't need glitter lip gloss! Heidi: [stops short of the bathroom, turns around and walks back] Eric, are you upset? Do you need to talk about something? Cartman: No! No, we don't need to talk! Ah, I'm super happy! Heidi: Oh, okay. [heads back to the bathroom, and Cartman is dejected. Heidi looks back for a second] Hang on, I gotta pee. [closes the bathroom door] Cartman: Cool, you got to pee again. Awesome. Scene Description: The woods, night. At a parking lot, several cars are parked next to each other. As Gerald pulls into a parking space, two other men get out of their own car. Stephen: Almost thought you guys were gonna bail on us. Randy: [chuckling] Yeah, right. We're gonna miss the first night of the party. Gerald: Sup, Stephen, Chip. Chip: Just ready to party farty, witches. [holds up two six-packs of Samuel Adams beer] Randy: Well, I got the Jack. Thomas: [steps out of his truck with Steve] And I got the crack. Randy: Oh yeah! Jack and Crack Witch Week! Let's do this! Gerald: Everybody up the hill! [the men proceed up the hill, singing Wang Chung's "Everybody Have Fun Tonight"] The men: Everybody have fun tonight Jack and Crack Witch Week tonight Everybod- Scene Description: The Turner house, evening. Heidi's parents have been chatting with Liane as they wait for the kids to come down the stairs. Mr. Turner: Thanks for taking the kids out tonight, Ms. Cartman. Heidi's been looking forward to it. Liane: Oh yes, my little Eric just loves the pumpkin patch. It's one of his favorite events of the year. Cartman: Okay, come on, let's go. Liane: All right, you kids all ready? Cartman: [directing his comments at Heidi upstairs] Yup. All set to go to the pumpkin patch! It's been open for over an hour now! [Heidi finally comes down the stairs] Nancy Turner: Ohoh, don't you look cute, Heidi. Cartman: [goes to the front door and opens it] Awesome. Here we go, heading out now! Heidi: Hold on, Eric. I want a picture. Cartman: No! Pumpkin patch is gonna, eh- Heidi: Will you take a picture, dad? Cartman: See, all the best pumpkins get taken and then eh- Mr. Turner: Cheese. Cartman: Okay, come on! Here we go, going out the door! Go, Mom! Heidi: Bye Daddy! Love you! Cartman: [at the car door] 'Kay, here we go to the pumpkin patch! Heidi: Oh crap. Hang on! I forgot my bracelet! Cartman: [in the car] Oh my fucking God! Liane: Eric, potty mouth. Cartman: Arrrrrrrrgh! Scene Description: The woods, night. Stephen starts a campfire. Randy serves up the Jack Daniels, then takes a drink and sighs. The other men drink their cups too. The men then share a crack pipe, and then they form a circle around the campfire and slowly go around it. The men: Put a spell on our bosses. Put a spell on our wives. A hex on the Patriots. Let's fuck up their lives! Randy: And screw the Raiders too! The men: Yeah! [some time passes and they're getting wasted] Randy: No way. Check out Stephen, you guys. Stephen: [walks around as if riding a broom] Heeheeheehee. Happy Witch Week! [falls to the ground face first] Ow. [the other men laugh at him.] Chip: [walks in with a book] Hey, HEY! [the partying stops] You guys wanna see some real witchcraft? [no one replies for a few seconds] Randy: Oooooooooooooo. [the men laugh] Chip: I mean it! I got this spell book last month. Got it in Salem, Massachusetts. They say it's real. Randy: Like real, how? Chip: Like from the Devil himself. You guys wanna try it? The men: Yeah. Scene Description: Dr. Spooky's Pumpkin Patch, night. People are leaving with pumpkins as Cartman and Heidi arrive. Cartman jumps out of the car and runs towards the patch. Heidi: Hey, wait up, babe! [Cartman stops, closes his eyes, and stretches out his hand for Heidi to take when she catches up to him] Butters: [walks by with his pumpkin and his mom] Hey, where you been, Eric? Scott: Oh boy! What a great time that was. Ticket-taker: Thanks for coming, kids. [sees Cartman and Heidi approaching] Oh, you just getting here? Cartman: Yeah, we are just getting here. Ticket-taker: Okay uh, go on in, I suppose. Petting zoo's closed, and I think they stopped the churro machine. Cartman: The petting zoo's cl- The petting zoo's closed? Ticket-taker: Yeah. You can still maybe do the bouncy house. Heidi: Come on, babe! Scene Description: The woods, later. Chip is reading from the spell book. Chip: Arkna. Peduum. Uthnod boral. Randy: That's pretty cool. [strikes up a crack pipe] Chip: Uthnod boral! Uthnod alvernderaal! Wickus! [a green glow emanates from the book] Stayfalls-wuh. Uh. Randy: Whoa, whoa, whoa whoa whoa. Chip: Ach. Oh, it burns! Stephen: Okay, Chip. You might need to ease up on that crack there, buddy. [Chip drops the book and screams, and begins to transform into an actual witch. A broom flies to him and he rides off on it, cackling] Scene Description: South Park, night, seconds later. Chip flies over the town and past South Park Elementary, where the parent/teacher conference is being held. Chip: I'll kill you all! Kill you all! Scene Description: Park County Community Center, moments later. Chip flies up cackling and begins lobbing flaming jack-o-lanterns at the adults there. One of them crashes into the parking lot and throws off a few people with its impact. Another one hits a car, stopping it in its tracks and wrecking it. The passengers get knocked out from the impact. Everyone else tries to disperse, screaming. Chip: [cackling] You'll all be dead by Halloween! [cackles some more] Scene Description: Dr. Spooky's Pumpkin Patch. Everyone is running out. Ticket-taker: Get out! Everyone out! Cartman: What do you mean?! I just got here! Ticket-taker: There's a witch! [Chip flies in and starts bombing the patch] Heidi: Come on, Eric! Cartman: No! I missed it! I missed it all! [Heidi pulls him away. Chip sees a boy, plucks him off the ground and carries him away] Scene Description: The Marsh house, next day. Randy comes down the stairs quite beat from the might before, goes to the fridge, gets out a gallon of fruit punch, and drinks straight from it, sighing with satisfaction. He turns and notices Sharon with her arms crossed. Randy: Oh. Hey, didn't see you there. Sharon: Did you hear anything about what happened last night? Randy: Uuuhhh, nnno, what happened? Sharon: Your buddy, Chip Duncan? [holds up her phone, on which there's a news report about it] Apparently, he flew around on a broom, blew things up, and kidnapped some children? Randy: Are you serious?! Sharon: You heard nothing about this?! He flew away vowing we'd all be dead by Halloween! Randy: [hands her back the phone and walks off] God, I knew that guy was a fuckin' chode! Sharon: Randy, what did you guys do at that party? Randy: [turns around] Nothin'. We were just hangin' out and talkin' and stuff, and then Chip got all weird. Sharon: People were hurt! Randy: Yeah, I agree! It's awful! We're not like Chip, okay?! He's a bad witch! Scene Description: South Park Elememntary cafeteria, lunchtime. The kids are nervous, looking over their shoulders. The core group of boys is at table eating lunch. Kyle: Did any of you guys actually see the witch? Jimmy: Yeah, it was terrifying. She had a broom and a cackle and everything. Token: What are we gonna do, guys? Butters: Our parents are never gonna let us trick or treat with a flying witch around! [next to him, Cartman has an angry glare on his face] Kyle: They say she blew up the pumpkin patch. Did any of you guys see that? Stan: No, I missed the whole thing. I always try to get to the pumpkin patch really early. Butters: Yeah, I got there really early too. You get the best pumpkins that way. Anyways, I guess the witch destroyed the whole thing. [the camera begins to focus on Cartman's glare] Stan: We've got to take matters into our own hands. None of us is safe. Butters: Yeah, but what are we gonna do? Kyle: No, we've got to just hope the police will handle it. Stan: Yeah, right. Like they'll handle anything. [from a nearby table, Heidi peeks past Bebe and smiles at Cartman, waving at him] Token: Stan's right. This might fall on us. [Cartman waves back, his glare fixed on her] Butters: Yeah, we've got to save Halloween. Don't you think so, Eric? Cartman: [his concentration is broken] What? Butters: We've got to do something to get rid of her! Cartman: Yes. You're right, guys. It's my only way out. Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. Sharon is watching TV on the sofa. Randy, in costume, walks past her with another case of Jack Daniels. Randy: All right, see you, Sharon. Have a good night. Sharon: [displeased] Where do you think you're going? Randy: What do you mean? It's Day 2 of Witch Week with the guys. Sharon: [stands up] You can't possibly be considering doing this again! Randy: Why not? Sharon: Randy, a real witch is flying around in the skies snatching children! I don't think this is the best time for you to be wearing a witch costume and partying! Randy: Wugh! Gau! Just because of one bad witch we're supposed to stop a tradition that goes back twenty-someodd years?! Jesus! [turns around and walks out the front door] Scene Description: Gerald's car. Randy walks to it and enters. The mood is subdued due to the flying witch. Gerald: Hey Randy. Randy: Sup guys? Ryan: You know, just getting a bunch of shit for being witches. Randy: I know, right? It's like, there's one awful witch who wants to kill everybody, so now they're coming after all of us. This is like a witch... thingy. Stuart: It's like a witch pursuit thingy. Randy: A witch uhhh- Gerald: It's a witch chase and shoot 'em up. Randy: Yeah, that's what it is! Scene Description: The woods, second night. The cars pull into the same lot as before, but now a sign is shown: Sentinel Hill park, which is closed. The men get out of their cars and walk up to another sign posted on an orange barricade. Ryan: Hey, what the hell is this? Randy: [reading the sign] "Park closed until further notice". That's bullshit! Stuart: Oh my God. Randy: They can't do this! The whole town really is on a witch pursuit thing! Scene Description: South Park, night. Chip is back in the air bombing houses, and people run to get out of the way. Chip spots Leroy and scoops him up. Scene Description: Kyle's room, night. he's on his computer reading a Wikipedia article on witches. Stan, Kenny, and Butters stand behind him looking at the screen. Kyle: Check this out, you guys. It says that to destroy a witch you need bent pits, nine in all, each bent into an L shape. Stan: What are bent pits? [Cartman walks in with some plans] Cartman: Hey guys, I think I got it figured out. Stan: You do? Butters: I knew Eric would come up with a plan! [Cartman puts up a drawing of his plan, which involves the boys luring Heidi to her death, burying the body, and celebrating her death with a pizza. He then brings out his retractable pointer and starts pointing] Cartman: Okay, first of all, we need a scary place to lure her into. What is the creepiest place in town? Ross Dress for Less, that's right. Stan and Kyle will wait inside the Ross Dress for Less, and I will bring Heidi there. Once inside, Kenny and Butters will set off a series of explosions that will- Stan: Wait wait wait wait. What the fuck are you talking about? Cartman: This is how we're going to get rid of Heidi. Kyle: Nobody's talking about getting rid of Heidi! Cartman: You guys said you would help me get rid of her! Kyle: OF THE WITCH! Cartman: Who cares about a witch?! My life is a living hell, you guys! Kyle: Then break up with her! You clearly can't stand her! LET THE POOR GIRL GO! Cartman: I've tried! It's impossible! Kyle: Heidi is a nice girl! How could you be so awful to her?! Cartman: You don't understand! She has no time-management skills whatsoever! You don't know 'cause you've never had a girlfriend, Kyle! [Kyle just stares angrily at him] Fine. Just leave me to suffer. Next time you want me to kill someone for you, just forget about it! [leaves the room] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The Mayor is speaking to the students and their parents in the gym. Mayor McDaniels: Students and parents, I know that you are all concerned about the witch who is preying upon our town, and I wanna speak to you all about how to try and protect yourselves. But first, some gentlemen have asked to speak on what they perceive to be a [does air quotes] "witch pursuit thing". [walks off the stage as the gentlemen in costume get on stage and arrange themselves around the mic] Richard: Oh wait, I'm supposed to be- Randy: Yeah, sure, no. [to Stuart] You go over there. Stuart: Right. Right right right. [music starts and they begin singing] The men: We're all on the same side, you and I. Let's all stick togetha, let's try. When things are going bad and there's people you need to confront. Just be sure it doesn't turn into a witch pursuit thing. Stephen: [as the other men provide ambient harmony] Hey guys, there's good witches and there's bad witches, and we stand with you in saying this particular witch needs to be brought down. But that doesn't men we should all be closing parks and stopping all witch activity because [catches up with the others on vocals] The men: Let's not turn this into a witch pursuit thing. Kyle: [to Gerald] Dad, get out of here! We're trying to deal with an actual witch! Nobody's coming after you! Gerald: Yes they are, boys! And next they'll be coming after you! 'Cause you're all little sons a witches! Ryan: Right. You don't have to worry about us, going around snatching children. Only the other witch does that. [Cartman's face lights up and he looks at Heidi. He gets a mischievous look in his eyes] Scene Description: Later, school hallway. Heidi is at her locker. Cartman: Hey, babe. Heidi: Oh. Hey Eric. Cartman: Listen uh, there's a big fun costume party tonight and I was thinking you and me should go. What do you say? Heidi: A costume party? With everything that's going on? Cartman: Yeah, I just think, you know, we need to let off some steam and have a little Halloween fun, you know? I already have our costumes picked out. Heidi: Well... I guess. Cartman: Cool. I'll pick you up at 5. Heidi: Well, maybe make it 4:30 if you're bringing the costumes. [Cartman turns left and walks away] I might need a little extra time getting ready. Cartman: [stops, then mischievously] Ohohoh, I'm counting on it. [walks off] Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. One of the good witches rings the doorbell, and Randy lets him in. Stephen: Randy, can I talk to you? Randy: Sure, Stephen. Stephen: I've been doing a lot of thinking, Randy. About the past. About what we've done. I think it's time we come clean and tell everyone about the crack. And the spells against our wives. Randy: [quickly closes the door and walks up to Stephen] Okay, look. You're freaked out, it's understandable. Stephen: I have to admit what I've done wrong, Randy! I feel like everything's crashing down and I want Linda to hear it from me first. Randy: Okay, we smoked a little crack. We put harmless spells on our wives. We were just messing around, it was harmless fun. Stephen: Was it? Or did we close our eyes to what Chip Duncan was becoming? Randy: Stephen, you can't turn on your own kind. That's what these witch pursuit thingies do, okay? They make everyone go crazy. Stephen: I'm sorry, Randy. I have to clear my conscience. Randy: [sighs] All right, Stephen. At least give us till tomorrow morning to talk to our wives and prepare them, all right? Can you just give us till morning? Stephen: Yeah, sure. [walks to the front door] I'm sorry. Randy: It's okay. It's okay. [Stephen leaves. A few second later, Randy is on the phone calling up someone] Hey, it's Randy. We've got until tomorrow morning to sacrifice Stephen to the Devil. I'll explain later, just get everyone together. And, maybe bring just a little bit of crack. Scene Description: The woods, night. Cartman and Heidi, dressed as Hansel and Gretel, wander through it. Heidi: Don't you think we should stay on the main roads, Eric? This seems like a bad place to be right now. Cartman: Don't worry, Heidi. This is the fastest way to the party. [loudly] I'm sure the witch won't even notice us. Heidi: Eric, come on, this is a bad idea. Let's turn around. Cartman: Well, Heidi, if we'd been on time, we wouldn't need to take a short cut. But I wanted to give you your space to get ready. Heidi: [sensing the sarcasm] Is that what this is about? You're still mad about the pumpkin patch, aren't you? Cartman: Why would I be mad? You wanted to make sure you looked right, and then you had to eat and use the bathroom 40 times. I can't blame you for missing the pumpkin patch. Heidi: I didn't use the bathroom 40 times! [Chip is heard above them] What was that? [the leaves in the trees rustle and she looks up] Eric! Did you hear that?! [she turns to see him, but he's gone] Eric?! Eric! Oh my God! Eric, are you okay?! Chip: [finally appears] Well, well. What have we here? Cartman: [barely above a whisper, hiding behind a fallen tree trunk] Sweet. Come on, come on. Scene Description: Kyle's house, day. Stan, Kenny, and Butters show up, and Stan knocks on the door. Kyle answers the door. Stan: Dude, is your dad home? Kyle: No, I, I don't know where he is. Stan: We can't find our dads either. Butters: Yeah, and it turns out our dads and the bad witch were all part of the same witch group. Stan: We asked our moms, and they said this has been going on for years. We've got to find them before something stupider happens. Kyle: How are we gonna do that? Stan: There's another guy. Someone else who was in the witches' club that hasn't been around for a while. Kyle: Who? Scene Description: The White House, night. The President, also dressed as a witch, is in the Oval Office. President's Aide: [opens the door and looks in] Mr. President, you have an urgent call from a Butters Stotch? Garrison: [lost in thought, he perks up] Butters? What's he want? [picks up the phone at his desk] This is the President. Butters: Oh, uh, eh hello Mr. President. How are you? Stan: [in Butters' room with Kyle and Kenny] Butter him up, Butters. Butters: How uh, how is runnin' the country going? Garrison: Oh, it's fine. You know, just makin' the country great again. Butters: Did you get rid of all the immigrants like you said? Garrison: I got rid of like, six of 'em so far. You know, it's a little harder than I thought. Butters: Cool. Ah-and did you build that big wall you were gonna build? Garrison: Don't be a dick, Butters. Are you just callin' to shit on my Halloween? Butters: N-no, sir! I uh, well, the thing is, uh, didn't you used to do J and C Witch Week with our dads? Garrison: Yeah, it was my favorite time of year. Now I just have to celebrate it alone. Butters: Well, the thing is, Mr. President, one of the guys did a spell and took a bunch of children, and he's gonna eat 'em all. Garrison: Lemme guess: Chip Duncan. Oh, that guy was always such a douche. Butters: Mr. President, please, you've gotta help. Our dads can't do anything 'cause they're scared people are comin' after all wtiches. Garrison: Comin' after all witches? Oh, Jeez... Scene Description: Park County Police Station, night. It's all decked out for Halloween. Sgt. Yates: So you were there when the witch showed up and took your girlfriend. Cartman: Yes, it just came out of nowhere. I tried to save Heidi, but it was too late. Sgt. Yates: What was your girlfriend wearing? Cartman: She was dressed kind of like me, but had a simple Munich dirndl from Germany. Rick: And you didn't stop at all to think that what you were doing might attract a witch? Cartman: Excuse me?! Are you actually trying to blame the victim here?! Rick: No, I'm just saying that if there's a big fat witch around, maybe you shouldn't walk around in the woods dressed as Hansel and Gretel. Cartman: Ohhhhh! Sgt. Yates: Whoa, whoa, not cool, Rick. Not cool. Cartman: I will have your badge, sir! Sgt. Yates: [looks towards the camera] Sorry folks, sorry. Cop 1: Detective! Detective! Call just came in. The witch has been spotted at Ross Dress For Less. Sgt. Yates: Everyone to Ross Dress For Less, now! Scene Description: Ross Dress For Less, night. Only a couple of cars are in the parking lot, and the store is closed. A witch wanders into view. Stephen: Guys? I'm here. Guys? What's this all about? Randy: Hello, Stephen. Stephen: Oh, hey. What are we meeting here for? Ryan: It's too late, Stephen. We called the police. We know you took those children. Stephen: What? What uh, What are you doing? Steve: [accompanied by Stuart] Here he is, everybody! Stephen's a bad witch! Stephen: Nooo! [people begin to gather around the witches] Randy: We're putting a stop to you, Stephen, because that's what good witches do! Stephen: Oh my God! I see what this is! This witch pursuit thing has you on a witch pursuit thing now! [several police cars pull into the parking lot and officers pour out of them] I'm innocent. Please! Sgt. Yates: It's over, Stotch. What have you done with the children? Stephen: Noho, don't you see?! They're just doing their own witch pursuit thingy now! This is madness! [Chip is heard cackling from up in the air. Everyone looks up to see him flying over Ross Dress For Less, then hug their kids to keep them safe] Chip: [lands and gets off the broom] Hey, what's up, bros? Stephen: "What's up, bros?" Chip, do you see all the chaos you've caused? Chip: Yeah, so? I'm a witch. Randy: Ugh, you understand everyone associates us with you, right? Chip: Of course they do. You're all witches too, dudes! Steve: Not like you! Stuart: What'd you do with the children? Chip: They're all in here! See? [opens his bag] Kids: [voices heard while light emanates from the depth of the bag] Daddy, help! Mommy, help! Ahh! Chip: I'm going to use their souls to increase my power! A townsman: Look! Another witch is flying down now! [a shot of Air Force One flying towards town] Scene Description: Butters' room, night. He's typing something on his computer when Stan enters his room with Kyle and Kenny behind him. Stan: Butters, come on! We've gotta go! Butters: Okay! Where? Stan: I guess our witches were gonna sacrifice your witch, but then the bad witch showed up and now the witch we called just arrived. There's witches everywhere! Butters: Holy moly! [leaves his chair and follows the others out] Scene Description: The Ross Dress For Less parking lot. Randy tries to reason with Chip. Randy: Look, Chip, if we had known you were gonna hurt people, we would have never even hung out. Chip: Oh, give me a break, Randy. Randy: No, seriously. Chip: Like if one of you guys had the power I have, you wouldn't use it. Randy: No we wouldn't! Garrison: Excuse me. [makes his way to the front of the group] Chip: Oh, hey man! Garrison: You're ruining the party for everyone, Chip! I'm here to take you out! Chip: [cackles] You'll never stop me! [levitates] I grow more powerful every moment! Garrison: You wanna see real power? [into his pocket mic disguised as a lapel pin] All right, take the shot. [a solar-powered satellite takes aim at the President's location with three beeps, and two lasers shoot down towards it. The shot obliterates Chip, but his bag and broom fall away unscathed. A few moments of stunned silence, and the witches celebrate as Garrison fist-pumps. Two officers quickly come up and open the bag] Peter: [pops out of the bag] I'm free! [two girls pop out] A girl: Mommy! Daddy! [the boy Chip plucked first pops out of the bag] Sgt. Yates: Is that all of them? Cop 2: There's one more little girl. Come on out, little girl. Heidi: Okay. Just a second. Cop 2: Com- come on, little girl. Everyone's waitin' on ya. Heidi: Okay. Almost ready. Hang on. Cartman: [sighs] It's gonna be a while. Gerald: Well, we did it, guys. Ryan: Everyone will be stoked on us now. Randy: Hey! And there's still a few nights left of Jack and Crack Witch Week. Garrison: Everybody follow me! I've got tons of Jack, tons of crack, and a jet! [the other witches cheer and follow him to the jet] The men: Party's back on! We did it, guys! Randy: [looks back at Sharon] Don't wait up, Sharon! I'm gonna party with El Presidente. [Sharon and remaining townspeople are mad] Scene Description: The Turner house, day, Heidi's room. Cartman waits for Heidi on her bed as she plans out her costume in the closet. They're dressed in traditional Halloween costumes, he as Count Dracula, she as a black kitten. Heidi: All ready to trick or treat? Cartman: [bored] Yeah, no. I've been ready for a couple hours now. Heidi: Cool. I just wanna put on some lip gloss. Do these stockings go with this outfit? I thought maybe I should use the red ones. [Cartman removes his fake teeth and throws them on the floor] Is it cold out? You think I should put a hoodie on over this? Nah, covers up my costume too much, don't you think? [Cartman throws his plastic jack-o-lantern pail to the floor] Okay, all ready. [Cartman perks up a bit] Oh wait, hang on. [she goes back into her closet, Cartman's perk is gone] I can't decide if I should wear leggings or not. Is it gonna be cold? Should I just-

Scene Description: Heidi's house, night. She's in her room, in bed, but can't sleep. She has her phone with her, on her bed. A call comes in and she picks up. It's Cartman, of whom she has a wallpaper on her phone. She sighs and answers. Heidi: [expectantly] Yes, Eric? Cartman: [sobbing uncontrollably] Heidi! Heidi! Heidi! Heidi! Heidi! Heidi! Heidi!- Heidi: Eric, this isn't working. Cartman: Heid- Heidi, no, please! Heidi, Heidi, I would be nothing without you, okay? I'm sorry. Okay? Please! Heidi: You called me a whore and pushed me in front of a car. Cartman: Heidi, I was in a bad mood! I told you, that's what happens after I eat! My blood sugar spikes and I get all anxious, and then I cra- Heidi: Eric, you just can't keep being mean to me and blaming it on your blood sugar. Cartman: But ih, but it's true, Heidi! It's all my mom's fault. She feeds me all this crap, and my body doesn't know how to process it. Mom! Mom! Liane: Yes, hon? Cartman: You fucked up my life, Mom! Fuck you! How could you feed me like that, you bitch?! Get outta here! Heidi: Eric, if blood sugar is really the problem, then you need to change how you eat, right? Cartman: Right. Like, whattaya whattaya mean? Heidi: Eric, every time I've talked to you about maybe being a vegan with me, you just tell me vegans are pussies. But then you try and blame food and your mom for being- Cartman: It is the food, and it is my mom, Heidi! It is! I wanna be vegan with you! I need your help to show me how. Please, Heidi. I need you right now, more than ever. I wand to do this. Please! Heidi: You really mean it? Cartman: Yes, Heidi! That's how much I love you! I'm vegan from now on. Heidi: All right, Eric. We'll see how this goes, okay? See you tomorrow. Cartman: Okay. Okay, bye, honey. [hangs up] Scene Description: The cafeteria, lunchtime. The boys are at their usual table chatting, and Cartman looks pissed again. Cartman: That dirty whore! Who does that bitch think she is?! Packing my lunch for me?! Fuck her, dude! Jimmy: Pissed off at your girlfriend again, huh Eric? Cartman: She's not a girlfriend! She's a controlling, manipulative whore! Kyle: That's enough, Cartman! I am so sick of hearing you call Heidi horrible things! Cartman: That's because you don't understand how much it sucks to be in a relationship! Heidi: [approaching] Hey babe. Cartman: Oh hey babe, what's going on? Heidi: What are you up to? Cartman: [uninterested] Nothin', just tellin' the guys how awesome it is to be vegan. Heidi: [happy] That's great. You wanna come eat with me? I can explain what I packed. Cartman: Yeah, sure. That sounds awesome. [he leaves with her] Kyle: I don't get it. I just really don't get it. How is she still supporting him?! Stan: She loves him, I guess. Kyle: But he clearly sucks! She has to know he sucks. What the hell is going on?! Butters: Well, it's not our problem. Kyle: It is our problem. This is affecting us! Our whole school. There's got to be a reason she sticks by him. Scene Description: After school. The bell rings and kids pour out of the building. Kyle: [spots her and runs up] Oh Heidi? Heidi, you got a sec? Heidi: Oh. Hey Kyle. Kyle: Hey. Uh, listen, uh... I-I know you and Cartman have an anniversary coming up and, I was just wondering, you know, um. How do you think he's doing? Aaas a boyfriend. Heidi: Well, whattaya mean? Kyle: Well, you know, like, some of us are thinking that, uh, maybe he's not super-qualified to be with you? Heidi: Oh, God, not you too. Kyle: Just, like, what are the things about Cartman that you find remotely redeeming? Heidi: Look, don't you think I get it enough from my girlfriends? "He sucks, Heidi. What's wrong with you? Why can't you admit he's a loser? How could anyone ever go with him?" I was just following my heart. Isn't that what you're supposed to do? Kyle: You don't have to get defensive. I just- Heidi: [gets in his face] Who's being defensive?! He's great! We're doing great! I didn't make a bad decision! I don't need you to stand there and say "I told you so!" [turns around and walks off] Kyle: I didn't say "I... [she whips around again] told you-" Heidi: [points at him] You know, you don't know what Eric's like when we're alone, okay? He's actually really good to me. [turns around and walks away] Kyle: Wooow. Scene Description: Heidi's house, day. Cartman is at the front door knocking insistently. Heidi walks to it and opens it. Cartman: Heidi! [walks in with a bag of food] Oh my God, you're not gonna believe this. Heidi: What? Cartman: You were so right [Heidi closes the door] when you said there were vegan options for everything. [puts the food on the table] Remember how you told me about Beyond Meat? Heidi: Yeah, the vegan meat that's made with all vegetables and plants. Cartman: Well, I tried it and you were right. You can't even tell the difference between that and real meat. Heidi: Really? That's great, babe. Cartman: So now I've been trying all kinds of vegan foods. You gotta try this. It's called Beyond KFC. Heidi: Oh wow. Cartman: It's all plant based, soy protein, and just- y-you gotta taste it. Just try it. Heidi: [Heidi tries a breaded breast] It tasted just like KFC. Cartman: I know, right?! Isn't that crazy?! [Cartman eats another breaded breast] Like, like seriously, how can you even tell that this was vegan? Try the, try the Beyond Mashed Potatoes and Gravy too. [hands her the mashed potatoes and gravy] They say you can even drink the Beyond Gravy by itself as like a protein boost. [eats some more of his breast while she eats the mashed potatoes and gravy] I don't know about you, but I could eat this every day. Heidi: Yeah, it's really good. Cartman: [evilly narrowing his eyes to slits] Delicious. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The bell rings as students go to their lockers to switch out books. As Stan, Kenny, and Butters walk down the hallway. Kyle catches up to them. Token joins them as well. Kyle: Guys, listen: I think I know why Heidi won't admit Cartman's a horrible boyfriend. Stan: Dude, are you still on this? Kyle: Yeah! It's important. Butters: Maybe she's telling the truth, Kyle. Maybe Eric really does love and support her in ways that we don't see. Cartman: [running up to them] You guys! You guys! Have you seen Heidi? [walks on past them] Stan: No. Cartman: Well uh, we've been trying some different foods lately and uh, [turns around] Heidi's put on some pounds, you guys. Token: Heidi's getting fat? Cartman: Yeah, Token. Don't start rippin' on me for havin' a fat girlfriend, alright? Just try and be cool about it. [smiles] Heidi: [walks up behind him] Hey babe. Cartman: Oh, hey hey hey, Heidi. What's goin' on? [a surprised look flashes on his face] Heidi: I-ah, I'm not feeling the best again. [Cartman smiles again] I might see if my mom can come pick me up. Cartman: Pick you up? That could be tough. [a shot at the boys, who just look blankly at him and Heidi. Kyle, though, is not amused] Heidi: I, I know, but I just feel bloated. I think there might have been something bad in that Beyond Arby's. Cartman: Yeah, well, cool, babe. Maybe you should uh, just waddle on down to the nurse's office. [the surprised look flashes on his face again, then disappears] Heidi: Can you come with? Cartman: Oh sure. [they turn around and walk away, but Cartman looks over his shoulder and points at Heidi's bloated figure] Kyle: We have to help that girl. Can't you see what's happening? Stan: Kyle, it's none of our business. Kyle: You're wrong. In a way... I think we're all going out with Cartman right now. Scene Description: The Oval Office, day. The President is on the phone. Garrison: Uh huh. Yeah, I understand that, faggot. And you should understand how my balls are gonna taste when your country starts needing money. I don't give two shits about a treaty. You're a Polish midget. [A knock is heard at the doors] Come in. [three advisers come in - Mike Pence, Paul Ryan, and Mitch McConnell - and Garrison gets back on the phone] Uh huh. Hang, uh hang on. I'm gonna call you back. Yeah, go fuck yourself, retard. [hangs up] Mitch McConnell: Mr. President, we have a problem. People are pretty upset. Garrison: Hoh, don't tell me people are still made about that n*gger thing. Mike Pence: It's pronounced Niger, Mr. President. And it's a country in Africa. Garrison: Oh, aren't we fancy. Okay, I don't want a bunch of [finger quotes] Nigers in Africa aiding terrorists. Paul Ryan: Mr. President, you need to be a little more careful. There's an investigation. A worker with ties to Russia was found raped and executed. Garrison: Raped and executed? Oh, you mean fucked to death? Oh yeah, that was me. McConnell: Mr. President, people are starting to question your oath to the office. Garrison: My oath to the office was that I would fuck everyone to death, remember? Memberberries: Ooo, I 'member. Me too, I 'member. I 'member that. Garrison: [to the berries] You guys be quiet, [to his advisers] and you guys just get out there and put a positive spin on this whole thing. McConnell: How are we supposed to put a positive spin on it? Ryan: It's getting pretty hard to keep defending you. Maybe it's time we put our foot down. Garrison: Oooo. [whips out a remote control and presses a button on it, making the doors close and lock automatically. The advisers turn to see this] Hope you brought some condoms. Scene Description: The school gym, day. Most of the girls are in vollyball practice, but six of them are in the bleachers. The side gym doors open and Kyle walks in. The girls stop practice only when he gets onto the court. He holds his hands up. The girls are not happy to see him. Kyle: Hello. I know things have been difficult between us lately. I know you think all boys are sort of pigs, but just know that a lot of us boys think girls are amazing and smart and beautiful. [dead air] Not, not like hot-beautiful, I mean like inside-beautiful. I, I'm not saying you're hot. You're not, you're not hot. I'm not saying you're ugly. It doesn't matter- you're all hot on the inside. If we could all just see inside you, it would be hot. [realizes he's out on a limb] Oh, shit. Wendy: What do you want, Kyle? Kyle: It's Heidi Turner. You guys shouldn't criticize her so much for going with Cartman. Annie: Why not? Eric Cartman's a horrible person. Kyle: I know! I, I know that, okay? Trust me, I hate Cartman as much as any of you, but just, give her some space, you know? You can't keep on saying "We told you so", because if you make her feel dumb, she just doubles down and tries to prove herself that it wasn't dumb. Nichole: Why do you care? Do you like Heidi? Kyle: No! Molly: Oh my God, he so likes Heidi. Lola: Obvi. Kyle: No I don't! ... Do I? Scene Description: The school hallway, day. Kyle is sitting on some steps surprised at his fondness for Heidi showingn through. Butters: [walks up to him] Hey, Kyle. Hey, I was thinkin' about what you said. How we should all help Heidi break up with Eric? You're right, it's our moral obligation. Kyle: Yeah, no, we're not getting involved with that. Butters: Oh, we're not? Kyle: [stands up]Yeah, no, yeah, I uh dya, I think we need to stay out of it. [walks away] Butters: Oh. Okay then.: Dialog Scene Description: Cartman's locker, moments later. Cartman is switching out books when Kyle walks up to him. Kyle: Cartman, can we talk? Cartman: Sure, Kyle. What's up? [brings out a harness and puts it on] Kyle: I just, I hope that maybe you can realize what you have with Heidi and, and just try to be good to her, okay? Cartman: Kyle, let me tell you something about relationships. There's always two sides, okay? You compromise, she compromises. Sometimes you criticize each other, but it's all part of trying to make each other better. [picks up a big bass drum and straps it onto the harness, then picks up some drumsticks] Someday, maybe you'll have a girlfriend and you'll understand. Oh, here she comes. [at the far end of the hallway, Heidi rounds the corner and walks towards them, and Cartman starts beating the drum] BOOM baba BOOM baba. Clear the hallway everyone, Heidi's comin' through. Heidi: [walks up to Cartman] Wha, what are you doing, Eric? Cartman: I was just practicing marching bass drum for my buddy Kyle. It's his favorite. Heidi: Oh, okay. Um, are we still on for lunch? Cartman: You betcha, can't wait. Heidi: Okay, see ya. [walks away, vaguely upset] Cartman: [resumes the drum beat] BOOM baba BOOM baba BOOM! Scene Description: Breaking news. Anchor Bill Keegan: Some concern over the President's competency again today. It was during a Middle East peace conference when the President referred to the people of Saudi Arabia as a bunch of "dirty sand Nigers". Though the comments seem divisive, Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan, says he's sticking by his President 100%. [next shot is of Paul Ryan with a black eye stained with semen] Reporter: Speaker Ryan, it's the anniversary of the President being elected. How do you think he's doing? Ryan: Well whattaya mean? He's great. We're doing great. A lot of people judge him and just see the negative. People don't know how great the President can be behind closed doors. They don't get to see all his good qualities. Reporter: Uh huh. And is that semen on your black eye? Ryan: Oh. No, I-uh I tripped on a doorknob and uh that's just, that's doorknob cum. Scene Description: The school gym, day. Heidi is all alone there, sitting on the bottom bleacher lost in thought. Kyle sees her from one end of the court. He sighs quietly and walks up to her. Kyle: You doin' okay, Heidi? Heidi: I keep thinking Eric's going to change. Kyle: [sits down next to her and sighs] Heidi, people like Cartman, they always make things someone else's fault. We all wrongly see ourselves as the victims sometimes, but Cartman sees himself as the victim all the time. He'll always find someone to blame for his shortcomings, and because of that, he's never gonna change. Heidi: Before we started going out I was in a really bad place. I felt... pushed away by society. Then this guy came along who told me all the things I wanted to hear, and I just went with it. Does that make me a bad person? [Rihanna's "Unfaithful" begins to play] Kyle: No, Heidi. Good people make bad decisions every day. Heidi: I've been defending him for so long. I don't know how I'm gonna face people if I finally give up. [next scene is Heidi looking through her scrapbook at the memories she and Cartman created together. His discomfort begins to show in the fourth picture. She closes the book, and her location is shown - she's in bed. Next scene shows her at her locker putting books away when she notices someone looking at her. It's Kyle, looking at her from his locker. He then puts his books into his locker. Next scene shows Heidi and Cartman at the park bench, where she leaves him and he grabs onto her leg to delay her departure. Next scene has Kyle receiving a letter from Heidi. He reads it and smiles. Next scene has Garrison and Xi Jinping holding a news conference, and three bar patrons back at home turning away and crying. Next scene shows the Turners having dinner at a restaurant, in a booth by the window] Cartman: [sobbing outside the window] Please Heidi! [he pounds on the window a few times before finally sliding down to the ground] Please! [her parents are stunned. Next scene shows Kyle and Heidi on the school swings, chatting away] Scene Description: Token's house, night. A light snow is falling when Cartman knocks on Token's door. Token answers and Cartman breaks out in tears. Cartman: Hei-... Hei- Hei- Hei-, Hei- ... Hei- [Token slams the door on him. Seconds later the doorbell rings. Token goes back to answer it] Hei-, Hei-, Hei- Token: [not happy] What do you want? Cartman: Hei, Hei, Heidi broke up with me, Token. Token: So? Cartman: I have nothing now, Token. She was my whole world. Can, can I just stay here with you, please? Token: What?! Why?! You still have a house! Cartman: I know how you feel now, Token. To be pissed off at the world. To feel completely screwed over by society. I totally get it now. I wanna do what you guys do and go disrespect the flag and flip over cars and stuff. [Again, Token slams the door on him. Again the doorbell rings, and again Token goes to answer it] Token, pleeease! I'm sorry for everything! I really understand now how you guys feel! Please, what time is your family gonna go disrespect the flag and stuff? I wanna go with! Token: Get outta here! Linda: [appears behind Token] What's going on? Token: [upset with Cartman] Nothing, Mom. Cartman: Heidi broke up with meeeeee. Linda: Token, he's freezing. [to Cartman] Come on in out of the snow. Cartman: [entering] Thank youuuu. Token: ...NO!! Scene Description: The White house. Paul Ryan opens a door and looks both ways down the hallway and closes the door. He's got a folder with him as he joins two other men in the dark. Ryan: Okay, we're safe to talk. Pence: It's not safe! Nowhere is safe, don't you understand?! We're all about to get killed! Ryan: Sshh, keep your voices down! Look at this! Pence: What are all these numbers? Ryan: The latest approval ratings. I've been researching our own independent poll. The President is tanking. These numbers are so low that we just might have an out. Well, don't you guys see what this means? McConnell: I don't know anything, I'm just a turtle. Ryan: It means that the swing voters are turning against him. It's those people that matter. Those are the ones who can finally turn this thing around! McConnell: And then we don't have to get killed! We can't let the President know about this. just let him- [the door opens] Garrison: [walks in] What are you guys talkin' about? Pence: No, nothing, Mr. President. Ryan: Nothing! McConnell: No, nope! Garrison: Just having' a little chat or somethin'? Pence: [looks at the folder Pence is holding, takes it, and walks over to the President] It's an opinion poll, Mr. President. Your numbers are down and I wanted to show you so you could do something. Ryan: Oh, you bitch! [to the President] I was the one who researched the poll, Mr. President! Garrison: Let me see that. [takes the folder and leafs through it] Huh. Isn't that interesting? But it's not a problem. See, I know something about societal psychology that you three turd balls don't. Everything's gonna be fine. Scene Description: Token's house, night. Cartman is eating dinner with them, still sniffling. Cartman: So... You guys about done with the soup? Linda: Don't you like it, Eric? Cartman: Well yeah, no, it's great. It's just- well, what time do you guys usually go out and disrespect the flag and stuff? Steve: What? Cartman: Oh no... Don't tell me you guys already disrespected the flag and flipped over cars today. Did I miss it? Steve: What the hell are you talking about?! Token: I told you not to let him in. Cartman: Please, I don't know what to do with all this anger and hurt! Linda: I'm sorry your girlfriend broke up with you, Eric, but... maybe you'll get back together. Cartman: No, no, we've broken up before, but this time it's different. I can tell. Something's changed with her. Heidi won't even answer my phone calls. Steve: Heidi? Turner? The Turners' daughter? Cartman: Yeah... Steve: I thought she was with that Kyle Broflovski kid. Cartman: [sadness switches to anger in a flash] What? Steve: I saw them at the park today holding hands. Cartman: [dramatic music begins] Kyle? Kyle?! Kyle!! [a montage begins with five marching happy Kyles appearing] Kyle! Kyle! Kyle Kyle Kyle! [a big red heart appears and breaks, and a line of smiling Kyles marches out of it in shades of pink. Next scene is a Jewish dance performed by hasidim. Next scene is Cartman out on the street striking a match...] Kyle! [...and burning a giant flag on the ground with it.] Kyle! [the flames spread to fill up the screen. The next scene shows a cackling Kyle coming up out of the water like a giant sea monster as Eric and Heidi hold on to each other. Kyle holds a menorah reminiscent of a trident. Next scene is another group of hasidim dancing] Kyle! [next scene is Cartman and Heidi running away, only to be stopped by Kyle popping up before them like an exploding volcano, cackling. Cartman and Heidi turn and run away again, but the ground around them is compromised and Kyle's shadow covers them both as they look up at him. Next scene is back at the dining room at Token's mansion] Kyle... Steve: Yeah, Kyle. Scene Description: South Park Elelentary, day. The school day begins as the last students walk in. Kyle walks down the hallway minding his own business when a scream makes him apprehensive. Cartman: KYLE! [the other kids in the hallway clear the way as Cartman appears at the end of the hallway behind Kyle. Dramatic Western showdown music plays] I should have known. You lying snake! Kyle: [turns around] Cartman, I didn't mean for things to happen the way they did. Cartman: Did it bother you that I was happy?! Is that why you took her from me, Kyle?! Kyle: Cartman, you weren't happy. Cartman: Shut up, Kyle! Kyle: All you did was bitch about her all the time. Cartman: You're not gonna talk your way out of this one! This is the end, Kyle! It's you and me! Kyle: Come on, Cartman. I- Cartman: [slams Kyle into the lockers] You took everything from me! Kyle: Stop it! Cartman: All you've ever done is work to ruin my life! Well now I'm finally gonna fight back! Butters: Fuck him up, Eric! Cartman: [goes in for the attack] Aaah! [Kyle delivers a punch] Ugh! [Cartman goes down straight away] Fuck you, Kyle! Kyle: I'm sorry, Cartman. You just have to accept that Heidi's moved on. Scene Description: Buca De Faggoncini, night. The girls have taken Heidi out for dinner. Molly: Guys, I just wanna say, here's to Heidi. Welcome back to the land of the living. The other girls: Yay Heidi! Heidi: [giggles] Thanks, guys. Thanks for taking me out. This is really fun. Red: No worries. We're just glad you finally came to your senses. Annie: Yeah, no kidding. We seriously thought you might marry that piece of shit! [the girls laugh] Heidi: [a bit sheepish] Well, you know, he- he actually had some good qualities too. Red: Uhh, yeah, like what? Racism? Bebe: Or the sociopath part? Courtney: Yeah. I mean, no offense, Heidi, but what the fuck were you thinking? Lola: Guys, she admitted she made a mistake. Molly: You make a mistake on your homework. What Heidi did was more like a momentary loss of all sanity. [the girls laugh] Heidi: [feeling pushed away again] It was just what I believed in. Bebe: Don't worry, Heidi. We're not gonna keep telling you we told you so. Lola: But we told you so. [the girls laugh] Bebe: The only thing I wanna know is... how did you bring yourself to actually KISS him? The girls: Eewwww! Red: Can you imagine? Eric Cartman's breath on your mouth? The girls: Ew, ugh! [this is depressing Heidi as sad music begins to play] Courtney: [imitating Cartman] Heidi, come here. I want to kiss you with my tongue! The girls: Ew, ugh! [they laugh as Heidi wilts] Scene Description: The park, day. Cartman sits at the park bench alone. Heidi walks up to him. Heidi: Hi Eric. Cartman: What are you doing here? Heidi: I don't know. I think I- I just wanna make sure... you're doing okay. I want you to know I'll always care about you. Cartman: [sniffles] That's good to know, 'cause like, nothing helps more when you're down than knowing that your girlfriend who broke up with you might care. Heidi: [sits next to him] I'm sorry that I've hurt you. I think maybe I am just stupid and I don't know what I want and it ends up hurting people. Cartman: No... You need to know something, Heidi. None of this is your fault. Heidi: But I'm the one who- Cartman: No. Heidi, none of this is your fault. There's stuff I never told you. It's time... It's time I did. Scene Description: Kyle's house, night. He's in the bathroom getting ready for a date with Heidi. He styles his hair and puts hair gel on it. The doorbell rings, and he goes to answer it, putting on his hat on his way there. He opens his door and finds Heidi facing away from him. Heidi: Hey. Kyle: Hey! You all set to go? Heidi: [walks in] I wanted to talk to you first. Kyle: Okay, sure. Heidi: Kyle, I've been under a lot of stress lately, and it was all making me really confused. Kyle: Yeah, that's understandable. Heidi: [turns and holds his hands] I was being manipulated, and I didn't even see it. I never do. And, I don't think you saw it either, Kyle. Kyle: What do you mean? Heidi: I've come to realize that it's not my fault. It's your fault, Kyle. You made all this happen. Made me question who I was. Kyle: But Heidi, I thought- Heidi: [puts her index finger on his lips] Shh. [walks away] But it's okay. You can't help it. It's how you were raised, what you were taught. My heritage is Irish, so I'm prone to being moody. And your heritage... well, you know... you can be a little sneaky sometimes and not even realize it. [turns left to walk out the door] I'm sorry, Kyle, but everybody's trying to live life the best they can. It's hard enough without your people always trying to get ahead. [walks out and closes the door] Kyle: Dude... did she just call me a dirty Jew? [he walks to the window to see her walk away, and sees Cartman waiting for her. Cartman sees him at the window. Heidi meets Cartman and they walk away together, with Cartman looking over his shoulder at Kyle with a smug look on his face] Scene Description: The Oval Office, evening. Pence, Ryan, and McConnell carry an anniversary cake over to the President. They're still wearing blankets, which could mean the White House isn't wasting money on heating. Pence, Ryan, McConnell: Happy anniversary to you. McConnell: Cha cha cha. Pence, Ryan, McConnell: Happy anniversary to you. McConnell: Cha cha cha. Pence, Ryan, McConnell: Happy anniversary, Mr. President. Happy anniversary to you. [they put the cake on the desk, and the President blows out the candles] Ryan: Congratulations, Mr. President. McConnell: Looks like many more years of the same are to come. Garrison: Oh, I don't think so. [walks out from behind the desk with a giant dildo strapped to his genitals.] I think the next three years are gonna be even better. [begins to laugh. Pence, Ryan, and McConnell laugh in response, but soon begin to cry, as they know what that dildo means]

Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, the Special Education Bungalow A-5. Class is in session, with Counselor Steve teaching. Steve: Okay guys, it's November and who can tell me what that means? [points] Yes, Francis? Francis: It's time for the Special Ed Science Fair. [the other kids cheer] Steve: That's right, the Science Fair is this weekend, and I know you're all very excited to show the projects you've been working on. [more cheers] This week we'll be hearing all about your projects and first up we have Nathan and Mimallah. [amid some applause and chatter, Nathan and Mimsy walk in with their project, a volcano] Nathan: For our science fait project, we will be showing the destructive force of nature by simulating a volcano! The kids: Ooooooh. Nathan: With vinegar and baking soda, we will make this paper-mâché volcano EXPLODE. The kids: Aaaaaaa. Nathan: With the power and fury of Mount Kilauea. Our science fair project is sure to be... a blast. Get it? A. Blast. Steve: All right, what do you guys think of Nathan and Mimallah's project idea? [the kids clap and cheer] Nathan: We've done it, Mimsy. We're gonna win the science fair for sure. And then, every chick in this school is gonna wanna have sex with us. Mimsy: Uh, gee boss, I don't know about sex with no chicken. Nathan: [smack] Not those chicks, numbskull. I'm talkin' 'bout bitches. You know what girls like? They like winners. And when we win the science fair, we're gonna be up to our ears in pussy. Scene Description: The school cafeteria, lunchtime. There are seven girls at a table with room for an eighth. The seven are Wendy, Nichole, Red, Theresa, Isla, Bebe, and Millie. Wendy: Is it just me, or are things around here getting worse and worse? Millie: It's definitely not just you. I think everyone's in shock that Heidi went back to Cartman. Theresa: What keeps driving her back to him? It's so weird. Isla: She's so... mean and angry these days. Wendy: People change. They say you become more and more like the person you're with and, I guess it's true with Heidi. Heidi: [joins the girls at the table] Hey guys. What's up? Isla: Hey, Heidi. Heidi: What are you guys talkin' about? Nichole: Nothing. Heidi: Bullcrap, you're all talkin' about me again. 'Cause you're judgmental bitches. [burps] Ehhh. Wendy: Heidi, are you okay? It's just... you look... Heidi: I look what? Wendy: Ngh, you know, y-you just look- Heidi: What? I look fat? Is that what you wanna say, Wendy? Fuck you, bitch! Theresa: She's just concerned, Heidi. Heidi: [mimicking] "Mehmehmehmehmehhh, Heidi". I'm just trying to enjoy my lunch here! Can I do it without you guys shitting on all over me?! Scene Description: The Special Ed bungalow, day. Jimmy and Timmy are hard at work.] Jimmy: All right, good, Timmy. Test 42a is successful. Let's move on to the next phase. [Nathan and Mimsy walk in] Nathan: Well hello, gentlemen. Jimmy: Oh hey fellas, we're doing great. Timmy: Timmih! Nathan: Thought we'd stop by to see how your- science fair project is going. Mimsy: Dah I thought we was comin' to rub their faces in how good our science fair project was, boss. Nathan: [gets mad, then smacks Mimsy] Shut up, Mimsyyy! [to Jimmy and Timmy] So what are you guys workin' on? Jimmy: Oh, it's fantastic. This year, Tim-Tim and I are doin' our project on [looks into the microscope] water bears. Nathan: Oh. Water bears. [backs up to Mimsy] You hear that, Mimsy? Like there's any such things as water bears. That blue science fair ribbon is as good as ours. [to Jimmy and Timmy] Well, we've gotta get back to our lava volcano. Good luck finding your, pft, water bears. [he and Mimsy turn around to walk out] Jimmy: Oh, would you like to see them? Nathan: [he and Mimsy stop and turn] What? Uh what are you talking about? Jimmy: Timmy and I have gathered thousands of water bears. Take a look in the microscope. [Nathan steps forward to look into the microscope. He sees some water bears swimming around on the specimen slide. Jimmy continues] Water bears are water-dwelling, eight-legged micro-animals. Timmy: Timmah. Jimmy: They're one of nature's most resilient animals. [next slide] Studies have shown they can survive lava, and even the vacuum of space. Nathan: What-? How-? [looks up] Where the fuck did you learn about these things? Jimmy: Where all good scientists learn from. Octonauts. Timmy: Octonauts! Jimmy: Some scientists believe the study of water bears is key to human survival. Mimsy: Aw jeez, that sounds a lot better than a lava volcano, huh boss? Nathan: Well, not really, because the science fair is supposed to be an experiment. I fail to see what the experiment is here. Jimmy: Oh, that's easy. You see, for the past several weeks, Tim-Tim and me have been training the water bears to respond to different sound waves. We found that they respond best to Taylor Swift. Hit it, Timmy. [Timmy presses a button offscreen, and Taylor Swift's "Look What You Made Me Do" begins to play] Take a look. [the Water Bears soon form a circle of eight of them on the specimen slide. Timmy turns off the player] We still have some training to do, but we're excited about the results. I have to admit, your lava volcano is pretty great too. Maybe we could tie for first place. [Nathan looks at Jimmy, then at Timmy, in shock] Scene Description: Mr. Mackey's office, day. Someone knocks at his door] Mackey: Come in. Heidi: [enters the office] You wanted to see me, Mr. Mackey? Mackey: Oh yes, Heidi, uh, we just wanted to see if you have transportation to the Special Ed Science Fair this weekend, or if you wanted us to set somethin' up for you. Heidi: What? Mackey: ...Uh, Saturday is the science fair, and, you're the judge for the competition? Heidi: Judge a special needs science fair? Ahem, no thanks. Mackey: Well, Heidi, is there a problem with you bein' the judge this weekend? Heidi: Uhh, yeah? It's Saturday, and I don't wanna be at skewl? Mackey: But you're always the judge of the Special Ed Science Fair because you're our best science student. Heidi: So now I'm gonna be punished by being force to judge a bunch of handicapped kids?! Mackey: But... Okay, you see, the problem is that you volunteered last month, Heidi. You said you wanted to do it, m'kay? Heidi: Well how can you expect students to commit to things a month in advance?! [puts away a stray lock of hair under her cap] I don't even know what I want for dinner tonight. Mackey: Look, the kids have worked really hard and have done some amazing projects. Heidi: You're gonna force me to come to skewl on a Saturday?! Mackey: Heidi, eh... is everything all right? Heidi: Oh what? Are you gonna call me fat now too?! It just so happens I'm a vegan, which means it'd difficult for me to get enough protein, so my body doesn't burn fat, it burns muscle, which makes it look like I'm fat, but I'm actually WAY healthier than any of YOU!! Mackey: Heidi, you're judging the Special Ed Science Fair this weekend. Heidi: Oh, Goddammit! Scene Description: The Special Ed bungalow, night. Nathan goes up the wheelchair ramp to the room door. Nathan: [looks around] Mimsy! Come on! [reaches the door] Mimsy: Okay Nathan. [joins him] Nathan: Shhh, shut the fuck up! [picks the lock and opens the door. They go in, look around, then go to Jimmy and Timmy's project] Mimsy: Gee, we could get in a lot of trouble. Ya, you sure we should mess with Jimmy and Timmy's science fair project? Nathan: Mimsy, do you know what Jimmy is? He's a cock blocker. Mimsy: Eh what's a cock blocker? Nathan: Every time I come up with a way to score with the ladies, there's Jimmy tryin' to one-up me. This science fair is supposed to finally make us successful enough to get chicks. Mimsy: D'aw, gee, I don't know if we should use our position of power to exploit women. Nathan: ... [smacks Mimsy] I'm not letting those assholes win the science fair! [opens a medical bag] That's why I say, the only good water bears are dead water bears. [pulls out a bottle of lighter fluid and pours it into the tardigrade tank, then follows that up with a bottle of lye. He then gets a curling iron, plugs it in and turns it on, and sticks it into the tank, where it sparks and causes a chemical reaction] Let's go! [they run out of the bungalow as the reaction continues inside] Scene Description: The bus stop, day. Instead of the usual four boys standing there, it's four girls - Wendy, Isla, Theresa, and an angry Heidi. Heidi: This is bullcrap! How can they force me to be the science fair judge?! Now I know how it feels to be a slave! Wendy: It's... not exactly like being a slave, Heidi. Heidi: Yes it is! Am I being paid to judge the science fair? No. Do I have a choice? No. "Ohhh, yes masah. Lemme judge that science fair for ya, suh!" Theresa: God, will you stop?! Heidi: Theresa, don't get all aggro on me because you're pissed off your family lives in a trailer. Theresa: My family doesn't live in a trailer. We live in a tiny home. My parents downsized to make a smaller footprint on the environment. Heidi: That's what I said. Your family lives in a trailer. Theresa: There's lots of progressive people living in tiny homes. There's five others on my block. Heidi: Right. That's called a "trailer park." Theresa: A-hi don't live in a trailer park! Wendy: [to Theresa, about Heidi] Just don't even respond to her. Just ignore her. Heidi: I'll try, but she's such a bitch. Isla: She wasn't talking to you, Heidi. Heidi: Oh, looks like Isla has something to say, you guys. Hold on, I'm sure this is going to be really profound. Go ahead, Isla, knock us out with you wit and satire. This should be good, you guys. Cartman: [walks up to Heidi] Hey Heidi, what's up? Heidi: [uninterested] Oh hey babe, what's going on? Cartman: What are you up to? Heidi: [her voice trails off] Nothiiing, just talking to my girlfriends about tiny homes. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The school day has started and the last few students are going in. Nathan and Mimsy walk up to Nichole, Bebe, and Nelly. Nathan: Well hello there, ladies. Nelly: Oh, hi Nathan. Nathan: We just wanted to remind you [hand Nichole a flyer] that this weekend is the Special Ed Science Fair. Nichole: Oh, cool. Nathan: Yeah, that's right. Pretty soon you'll all be impressed with what you see. Hope you can make it. [walks off with Mimsy. Moments later...] Did you see that, Mimsy? The way those girls bit their bottom lips when I said "science fair"? We're about to be drowning in muff. Francis: Nathan! Mimallah! Yuh, you've gotta get to Special Ed! Nathan: Special Ed class isn't for another two hours. Francis: Nono, you've gotta see this! Jimmy and Timmy's water bears! They've changed! Nathan: What? Scene Description: The Special Ed bungalow, moments later. Counselor Steve is checking out the specimen slide through the microscope as the class gathers around and chatters. Steve: Jimmy and Timmy, this is incredible! You've somehow made them even smarter. [Francis, Nathan and Mimsy enter] Nathan: What's goin' on? Jimmy: Nathan, it's amazing. The water bears we've trained are starting to display social advancements. Mimsy: But they're supposed to be dead. [Nathan smacks him] Nathan: [walks up to Jimmy and Timmy's table] What social advancement? Jimmy: They've actually evolved to the point of doing the hokey pokey. Nathan: The hokey pokey? [looks down into the microscope and sees the tardigrades. "The Hokey Pokey" plays as the water bears begin synchronized dancing] You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Steve: Boys, this might be the single greatest Special Ed Science Fair project I've ever seen! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway. Cartman and Heidi walk down the hallway holding hands looking angry. Heidi: Butters. Butters: Whoa. [turns around] Uh hey. Heidi: How would you like to be the judge for the Special Ed Science Fair this weekend? Butters: Uhh, I can't. I'm going to a birthday party. Cartman: Butters, don't be a dick! Heidi: Yeah, don't make up excuses because judging handicapped students sounds terrible! Cartman: Yeah, Butters! God! [rolls his eyes] Clyde: [walks up to Heidi and Cartman] He's not making it up. It's my birthday party. Cartman: Well then, could you invite Heidi, please? She needs an excuse not to have to go to the Special Needs Science Fair. Stan: [walks into view with Kyle] What's wrong with supporting them? They're our friends. Heidi: Because nobody wants to be trapped, in a gym, with Special Ed Science. Kyle: Actually, some of their projects are pretty cool. Cartman, and Heidi: Shut up, Kyle! [to each other] Samesies! [they kiss each other on the lips] Heidi: Look, it's all just a complete waste of time! It's not like the Special Ed Science Fair is actually gonna contribute to society. [a helicopter is heard over the school. In front of the school, the helicopter lands on the lawn as several black cars and vans roll up to the school. A bunch of men in black suits get out of the vehicles and walk into school] Jerry Jones: [leading the men] Move. Move aside, kids. Official business! An NFL owner: Move it, children. [the kids make way for the NFL owners] PC Principal: Excuse me, can I help you? Jerry Jones: We understand that you're about to have a science fair with some very interesting experiments. PC Principal: That's right, the science fair is this Saturday from 10 am to 2 pm. Jerry Jones: We're here to help however we can. Your special ed department has all our resources and all our support. This science fair... just might be what saves us all. Scene Description: The school playground, day. As the other kids play, an upset Heidi walks around Cartman. Heidi: What the hell is going on?! Everywhere I turn, people are being given handouts while I'm forced to work my ass off! It's total bullshit! Cartman: Yeah... uh... Babe, uh I understand that you're pissed off, but, um, you know, it is recess. Maybe we should relax and have some fun? Heidi: [stops pacing] Relax?! How can I relax?! I get straight A's! I ace every test! And who gets all the support?! The Special Ed Department! Scene Description: The Special Ed bungalow, day. It's been considerably beefed up, with two tents, one on either side, connected to it, and an even bigger tent behind it. A tower with two satellite dishes and two poles with lights on them standing behind the smaller tents. Two workers haul some equipment up the ramp and into the classroom. Jerry Jones: Good. Bring it on in. These kids need to have access to everything they need. Jimmy: Wow, look at this, Tim-Tim. They've all been researching water bears too. Jerry Jones: That's correct. [two workers roll up a whiteboard with a diagram of a tardigrade on it, with parts of the body clearly labeled] Like you, we've come to realize that water bears are the key to our future. [walks up to the project right after Jimmy and Timmy do] Are these the special water bears that we read about on your school message board? Jimmy: That's right. The water bears we've been working with appear to be evolving somehow. Jerry Jones: Then they are the key to our survival, boys. Nathan: Gentlemen, perhaps I can interest you in a lava volcano. You won't believe your eyes when I add some simple baking soda. Jerry Jones: [turns to face him] There's no time for that! We need everyone working on Jimmy and Timmy's project. I'm gonna let you kids all in on a little secret. We don't wanna create a panic, but... the End is very near. And we have very little time. Scene Description: The school gym, day. An assembly has been called and all the classes are there. Heid is at the podium while Cartman stands next to her. Heidi: Fellow students, I have asked to speak today because of the hypocrisy and bullying that is coming from the administration at this so called... skewl. It is an outrage that our principal and counselor denand our participation in privileged programs that are outrageously overfunded. Why is it that the school allows funding that only goes to special needs students? Are the rest of us not special? If we are continually asked to work for no money and ask our parents to pay for our programs, then soon we will all be poor, and forced to live in a trailer park like Theresa. Theresa: It's not a trailer! Heidi: Theresa, [that lock of hair comes down again] get over it, you live in a trailer park, it's not a big deal. [she puts the lock back in place] Cartman: Uh, o-okay honey, you're kind of getting off-topic, sweetie. Heidi: What did you say?! Cartman: Uh just, uh-uhm, I just want you to stay on point so we can get this over with. Heidi: GET THIS OVER WITH?! You're supposed to be supporting me! Cartman: I am supporting you, sweetheart! Heidi: Being supportive doesn't mean you criticize me, asshole! Just forget it! My point is, if the school administration doesn't cancel the science fair, I will see to it that they are all fired for discrimination! Mackey: [standing by the gym doors, to PC Principal] She's... kind of like Cartman, but with the ability to follow through. PC Principal: Oh, dude. Bro. Scene Description: The Special Ed Bungalow, later. Jerry Jones and a few other owners stand behind Jimmy and some other students as Jimmy looks into the microscope. Jimmy: Francis, can you hand me the sound wave generator? [Francis hands it to him] Nathan: This is bullshit! The Special Ed Science Fair is turning into a lovefest for Jimmy and Timmy's project! They're gonna get all the fame and glory! Mimsy: D'aw, I guess we kind of shot ourselves in the foot, huh boss? If it weren't for us, those water bears wouldn't have even gotten smarter in the first place. Nathan: [stops and thinks] Hey, Mimsy, that's right. They don't deserve the credit, we do. [speaks up] Uh, excuse me. If you're all trying to figure out why these water bears are different, you're talking to the wrong guys. [Everyone turns to face him] Jimmy: Wha-what do you mean, Nathan? Nathan: Mimsy and I did some experimenting with the water bears on our own. Mimsy: We was tryin' to kill 'em. [smack] Nathan: It was us who made them evolve, so we should be the ones working for the government. Jerry Jones: The government? Wuh we aren't the government. Jimmy: Yuh you're not the government? But you said you were here to help stop us from becoming extinct. Jerry Jones: Not you, us. We're with... the NFL. Our fans are leaving at an exponential rate. We've been hit with anthem protests, protests of those protests, and worst of all, concussions. The more reports that come out, the more people are getting turned off by football. We've been experimenting with water bears because... we believe they are our last hope. Jimmy: Oh, I get it. You've been experimenting with water bears to see how to make humans more impervious to concussions. Jerry Jones: No. We've been experimenting with water bears to try and make them... FANS. Scene Description: NFL Sunday Night Football on NBC. Sportscaster 1: A beautiful night for football here in Los Angeles as the Chargers take on the Buffalo Bills. Sportscaster 2: And a record sellout crowd here at the stadium. Football clearly more popular than over with a whopping 17 million in attendance. [shown are a smattering of fans, with the rest of the seats being occupied by small tanks of tardigrades] Sportscaster 1: The NFL, of course, working really hard to reach new viewers, and it looks like they found their answer in tardigrades. Sportscaster 2: [a camera crew focuses on one tank] The water bears are thrilled to be here and of course, love seeing themselves on the Jumbotron. [which shows that tank's sea bears onscreen] They're all ready for some football and enjoying the fan favorite Kiss Cam. [two tardigrades are shown kissing] Sportscaster 1: And we're ready for kickoff as the cheers of 17 million fans rock the stadium! [the Chargers kick off and the Bills catch the football and begin their charge. Nothing but crickets are heard as a Bills player is taken down] Scene Description: The Special Ed Bungalow, later. The NFL owners now look over Nathan's shoulders as he looks into the microscope. The other students are at their own tables. Jerry Jones: We're running out of time. We have to see if these water bears truly are different. Insert the box. [a fellow owner grabs a microscopic box with tweezers and carries it over to the table. He puts it into the specimen slide] Gently. What do you see now? [the tweezers are removed] Nathan: Ahhh, Iii see the box. [a microscopic FedEx box] What, what's in the box? Jerry Jones: What are the water bears doing? Nathan: Uhhh, they're just walkin' around and ubb, oh wait! They appear to be interested in the box. Jerry Jones: These water bears are different. [the classroom door opens and in walk Heidi, Cartman, Mr. Mackey and PC Principal] PC Principal: All right, everyone, listen up. Give me your attention please. Due to circumstances beyond our control, we are cancelling the Special Ed Science Fair. [the students begin to talk amongst themselves] Owners: What? Cancelling? Jerry Jones: You can't cancel the science fair. We're on the verge of a breakthrough here. Heidi: It's cancelled. You guys can get all this shit out of here and leave. Thank you! Jerry Jones: You don't understand! The Special Ed Science Fair is our only hope! Mr. Mackey: Oh I'm sorry, but um, our hands are tied... by Heidi. [Jones and the other owners whip out their guns] Jerry Jones: I think you all fail to see the seriousness of our situation! Football is dying! Mr. Mackey: [he and PC Principal put their hands up] Whoa, whoa whoa, okay. Jerry Jones: [to another owner] Close the door! [the owner closes the door] Everyone back to work! Nobody... [two special ed kids and Cartman slip out of view] will stop this Special Ed Science Fair! Another owner: [with his gun aimed at Nathan] Do what he says! Nathan: Oh! Uh okay, Jesus Christ! Heidi: [finds Cartman] Are you just gonna stand there?! Do something! Cartman: What the hell do you want me to do?! Heidi: I want you to have some BALLS and act like you care about me! Cartman: Heidi, you need to stop being such a bitch! Heidi: [gets closer to him] Call me a bitch again! Do it! [gets in his face] Call me a bitch again! Cartman: You are... acting... like a... bad girlfriend. Heidi: That's what I thought! Nathan: Hey, uh wait a minute! The water bears have changed again. I think it's working. Jerry Jones: Let me see that! [looks through the microscope] Yes. Yes, they're starting to adapt. [the water bears now sport jerseys from various teams. He increases the magnification] Sonofabitch, we just might have ourselves some fans! [stands up] Now quickly, children! We must replicate these water bears to create more! [Nathan gets back on the microscope] Heidi: If nobody else is going to do anything, I will! [runs up to the microscope, yanks the fish bowl from it, and runs to the door] Nathan: Wha-ah? An owner: The water bears! Scene Description: The playground, moments later. Heidi runs across it, followed by the NFL owners, followed by the special ed kids, followed by Mr. Mackey and PC Principal, ...followed by Cartman. Cartman: Heidi! Heidi, will you please listen to me?! Scene Description: The school hallway, moments later. Heidi runs down it, pushing other kids out of the way. Heidi: Move it! Get the fuck out of the way! I said get out of the way, you assholes! [followiong are the NFL owners, the special ed kids, Mr. Mackey and PC Principal, ...and Cartman] Scene Description: The school entrance, moments later. Heidi goes out the front doors, but sees more NFL owners in front of her and she panics. Another owner: We got the fat girl, front of the school. Heidi: Shit! [turns around and goes back inside, only to see all the people chasing her down] Jerry Jones: Little girl, stop! [Heidi begins to pant] It doesn't have to end this way. Cartman: [makes his way to the front of the group] Move aside! Move aside! [finally sees Heidi] Heidi, seriously, you need to listen to me! Heidi: I don't... have to listen... to anybody! Cartman: Yes, yes you do! You need to listen! Heidi: Fuck you! Cartman: No, fuck you! Jerry Jones: Little girl, please! What you have in your hand is very special. Heidi: Well I'm sick of everyone treating me like shit! Jerry Jones: Think about the NFL. How much joy it brings to everyone! Nathan: Don't listen to them. Give the water bears to me. I deserve all the fame and bitches. Cartman: Heidi, you've gotta stop being so angry. Jerry Jones: Look, if you- if you don't do it for the NFL, what about humanity? Those creatures are showing the first signs of sentience. Think about what they could mean for science. For medicine. Making people better. Cartman: Come on, babe. We all want the old Heidi back. [Heidi looks up at the balcony and notices Wendy, Theresa, and Isla looking down upon her] Heidi: [looks down at the water bears, then looks up again] Screw all you guys! NFL Owners, Special Ed kids: NOOOO! [Heidi chugs the fish bowl down like a college student, wipes her lips, then burps] Cartman: Dude, wwow. Scene Description: Cartman's house, later. He and Heidi sit on the sofa, with Heidi doing all the eating and channel-switching while covered by a purple blanket. Heidi: [angrily] Is there something you wanna talk about? Cartman: No. I was just... trying to... figure out why you decided to drink 20,000 microanimals that were showing signs of intelligence. Heidi: Whatever. It's Saturday, and I'm not in skewl. Cartman: Yeah, you're, you're not in skewl. Heidi: [goes back to eating chips] How come we never snuggle anymore?! Cartman: [alarmed] Wha, what? Heidi: We used to snuggle all the time and it's totally gone away! What happened?! Cartman: Well, but honey, we still- Heidi: SNUGGLE! Cartman: [gets closer to her] Yes yes, let's, let's snuggle, yes. [she shares her blanket and snuggles] Heidi: Goddammit, how come there's nothin' to watch on Saturday but kids cartoons?! Blue Horse on TV: Hohall right, kids. Now let's do the hokey pokey. [begins to sing the song] Heidi: Oooo. [her belly begins to move to the music] What's goin' on in here? Cartman: Oh, what is goin' on in here? Heidi: I feel somethin' moving around. I-it- [farts] Cartman: Yeesh. [backs away] Heidi: [farts again] SNUGGLE! Cartman: Okay, okay, honey. [gets close to her again, but she farts again] Eughah, ah. Scene Description: NFL Headquarters, New York City, day. Roger Goodell sits in his office flanked by two other officials. Roger Goodell: Well, did you have any luck, Mr. Jones? Jerry Jones: I'm afraid, Commissioner, that the Special Ed Science Fair failed to produce more viable water bears. Officlal 1: Then the NFL truly has no hope. Officlal 2: We're done for. Jerry Jones: Not quite. [a lab worker wheels something in and leaves] We were able to obtain somethin' else [picks up a beaker] that just might be our future. [pours the beaker into the volcano Nathan offered to him earlier] Goodell and the officials: Ooohhhh!

Scene Description: Netflix headquarters, day. The President of Netflix is talking to some prospects. Netflix President: Welcome to Netflix. [smiles] Last year we approved 16 original shows and movies; and this year, it is our goal to make that number 1,087. That's why we here at Netflix are thrilled to be working with you two comedy geniuses, Terrance & Phillip. [Terrance & Phillip are shown, now as elderly gentlemen. Terrance raises his left leg slowly and lets out a wet fart. The president laughs and claps] Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Classic stuff. Now go ahead and pitch what you're thinking for your Netflix original series. Terrance: Well, we were thinkin' that we'd do a show where Phillip and I are on a farm... with a cow. President: [still enthused] Okay, I love it so far. Terrance: [slowly] The sun is just starting to come up and then... I fart on Phillip. Phillip: [slowly] And I say, "Terrance, you farted," and I fart on Terrance. President: And it's like a back and forth kind of thing? It's sort of like a-? Phillip: [slowly] It's like a back and forth kind of thing. I fart on him, he farts on... President: On you. Got it! Phillip: No! On the cow. [they both laugh] President: Welcome to Netflix, you sons of bitches. YEAH! Terrance & Phillip: Hooray! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids are at their lockers switching out books. Other kids run by, causing a commotion. Craig and Tweek run by Stan holding hands. Craig: Come on, Tweek. Hurry! Stan: What's going on? Tweek: [running by] Cartman and his girlfriend are fighting again. [Stan closes his locker door and joins the others. They get to the actual fight, where Heidi throws punches at Cartman] Cartman: Oh. Uh. Oh. Ugh! Goddamn! [he punches her once] Oh. Sweetheart! Heidi: Piece of shit! [punches him four times, he grunts as he gets hit] Cartman: Honey, I wanna watch Terrance & Phillip with my friends! Heidi: You promised we'd have a date night! [punches him twice] Cartman: It's just one night, babe. Stan is having a viewing party, honey. [punches her once] Heidi: So then why can't I come? Cartman: Terrance & Phillip is a guys' night thing, baby. Kyle: [arrives to separate them] Uh, hey, hey, hey! What the hell are you all doing? Wendy: Watching Heidi get her bitch-ass kicked! Heidi: Fuck you, Wendy! Craig: Don't take that crap, Heidi! Let Cartman have it! Kyle: Guys! Guys, this has gone on way too long. Can't we all stop being so mean to each other? [a moment of reflection around the crowd] Heidi: Shut up, Kyle. You sound like your mom. [everyone laughs] Cartman: Th- that was awesome, baby. I love you. [reaches out and takes her hand] Heidi: I love you too, babe. Kids: Awww. [disappointed, everyone disperses] Craig: Dammit. Butters: Fight's over. Kyle ruined it. [Kyle is left all alone in the hallway] Scene Description: The school gym, assembly. PC Principal addresses the kids. PC Principal: Alright everyone, listen up. As you know, there's been a lot of bullying and insensitivity at our school. To counteract this, it is my firm belief that South Park Elementary is in desperate need of s a strong woman. So in looking for a new vice principal, we wanted to find a powerful, intelligent, and independent female to be a role model for us all. And with that said, I'd like to introduce our new vice principal, Strong Woman. [claps, then hands the mic to her as she walks up] Strong Woman: Thank you, PC Principal. Alright everyone, listen up. I'm the new vice principal of this school. My name is Strong Woman. I've already spent a few days here at the school watching and observing and we definitely have things we can all be working on. [at this point, Butters is whispering something in Clyde's ear] PC Principal: [snatches the mic from Strong Woman's hand] Hey! Stotch! You do not disrespect Strong Woman by talking when she's talking! Strong Woman: You really think I couldn't have handled that? Myself? PC Principal: Oh. Uh, I was just making sure everything was uh- Strong Woman: You really had to grab the mic out of my hand like that? PC Principal: Shit. I mean, no, sorry, sorry, I'm not u-, uh, here you go. [hands the mic back to her] Strong Woman: I want the girls here at this school to know that they can talk to me about anything, but I also want the boys to know what I'm looking for is a better place for everybody. [walks forward a bit] Turning this school around is going to take work from everyone. PC Principal: From everyone! Strong Woman: [glances back at him] Sorry, am I not doing this correctly? PC Principal: No. NO! Sorry, I thought I'd... add, just add for emphasis. Strong Woman: You felt it wasn't strong enough? Me just saying it? PC Principal: No-I, I'm... Uh, I'm sorry. Strong Woman: [sighs, turns back to students] I'm looking forward to being your vice principal, and I'm looking forward to turning this school around. PC Principal: [moves up] Alright, now if we have any q- Strong Woman: I'm not finished! PC Principal: [backs up] Right, right, uh, I'm sorry. Every- pay attention everybody! Scene Description: The Terrance & Phillip Show. As the announcers speak, the logos come up. Announcer 1: It's the Terrance & Phillip Sho-o-ow. Announcer 2: On Netflix. [the camera pans down to the duo. Terrance holds a pitchfork] Phillip: Hey Terrance, what did the black lawyer say to the Muslim priest? Terrance: I don't know, Phillip. What? [Phillip climbs up a three-step ladder, turns around, and farts on Terrance. They laugh at each other. The kids watching at Stan's living room laugh at them, but Kyle looks rather disinterested. The doorbell rings] Stan: Come in! Cartman: [walks in with Heidi] Did we miss it? Stan: It's just starting. Heidi: Oh look, honey. Kyle's mom is here. Shouldn't you be at temple, Ms. Broflovski? [Kyle is shocked as the others laugh] Canadian Mexican: [walks into view] Hola. Would you like to buy some chimichangas? Terrance: Si, mi amigo. [climbs onto the hay bale next to him as Phillip goes up the stepladder] Here, I'll give you two pesos. [he and Phillip take turns farting on the vendor. The kids in Stan's living room laugh] Heidi: Dude, that's awesome. Stan: [notices Kyle isn't laughing] What, what's wrong, dude. Kyle: For the first time I feel kind of bad for the person being farted on. Heidi: Uf, Kyle's mom doesn't like the cartoon, guys. Better shut it off. [everyone laughs] Cartman: Baby, I fuckin' love you so much. Scene Description: South Park Elementary faculty room, day. PC Principal has called a faculty meeting. PC Principal: Alright, everyone. Listen up. As you all know, we've been looking for a strong woman to take on the role of vice principal at this school. We couldn't be happier with the selection we've made and we're sure she'll be making our school a better place. So with that let me turn over the floor to our new vice principal, Strong Woman. [applause all around] Strong Woman: Thanks everyone. Alright, listen up. [gathers her papers up] I fully appreciate that some of you might be uncomfortable with me being here. Earlier today, I noticed that some faculty weren't sure whether to call me "Miss Woman" or just "Strong." If I were a man, you'd probably address me as Vice Principal Woman, so why should it be any different, huh? We good? Mr. Mackey: Uhm'kay. Strong Woman: So I've been getting to know some of the students here and I'm definitely hearing a lot of frustration and confusion over issues that all the schools are facing right now. I also spent some time observing in the cafeteria and was pretty shocked by the abusive and intolerant language. [as she speaks, Hootie & The Blowfish's "Hold My Hand" begins to play in PC Principal's head] Not sure if any of you have noticed, but a lot of the girls are eating their lunches out on the playground to avoid being around the toxic environment that's been created. It's my intention to make the cafeteria... P.E. class is another huge problem at this school. The girls' gym outfits seem not to have been updated since the '60s. We have a lot of work to do here. I intend to do it quickly. [in PC Principal's mind, everything around her fades out and all he sees is her against a pink background with hearts everywhere, soon replaced by flowers and leaves, then a blue sky with clouds] Mr. Mackey: Excuse me uh, I'm sorry, but uh, is anyone else hearing Hootie & The Blowfish like, very very softly? Substitute Teacher: Yeah, yeah, I hear it. Strong Woman: [rises and walks towards PC Principal] It's, it's coming from over here somewhere. PC Principal: E-excuse me everyone, I um, I need to get to the restroom. Sorry, I'll be right back. [rushes out the door, and the song disappears with him] Scene Description: The playground, recess. Kyle is on his iPhone lookiing at YouTube videos of Terrance & Phillip over the years. First is a teen Terrance farting on Cher on the Soony & Cher Show, then a teen Phillip farts and sits on Sonny. Next is a video of Terrance & Phillip farting on a deer, then one of Terrance & Phillip farting on a woman and her dog, then one of Terrance farting on a News Canada reporter, then one of Terrance & Phillip farting on a woman and her baby. A song comes up, reminiscent of Michael Jackson's "Man In The Mirror". The Preacher: Therefore what God hath joined together let no man [Terrance farts on the preacher] Oh! [the duo laugh. Kyle just gets off the merry-go-round and walks off campus. He walks onto a small stone bridge, where he looks at his reflection on the water below. He then leaves the bridge and goes home to look at his reflection on full-length mirror in his room. He takes off his jacket and hangs it up] Michael Jackson: That's it. That's it, Kyle. [Kyle takes off his Terrance & Phillip T-shirt and puts it away is his trash can, then goes to his dresser to pull out a baby blue shirt and puts it on. He then goes to the vanity mirror, takes off his hat, and gives himself a haircut] No more. No more of them doody jokes. [he leaves the bathroom and goes back to the mirror in his room] No more watching cartoons of people, people having go doody. [he checks himself out on the mirror] And poo-pooing on each other's heads. [he puts on his jacket and hat back on] It's not funny anymore, is it, Kyle? [he checks himself out once more] Scene Description: Dr. Gauche's office, day. PC Principal has gone in to have his hearing checked. Hootie & The Blowfish is still in his head. The doctor walks in. Doctor: Hello there, misterr... Principal, is it? PC Principal: That's right, I'm PC Principal. Doctor: Hm what's bringing you in today? PC Principal: I'm uh... having this problem with my ears. There's like a persistent kind of ahh ringing going on. Doctor: [checking the right ear canal with a scope] O-kay, can you describe the ringing? PC Principal: It's um, Hootie & The Blowfish. Doctor: You're hearing a song? [walks to the other side to check out the left eat canal] PC Principal: Yeah, uh, ahem, there's a new woman that has joined our faculty. Her name is Strong Woman, and uh, she seems to have set off some kind of device in my ears. Doctor: So maybe you're having some feelings for her. PC Principal: No, that couldn't be it. We work in the same place, so it would be impossible for me to like her. I'm thinking there's some sort of device in my ears. Doctor: Well, I looked, and Hootie & The Blowfish aren't in your ears. I believe you're hearing them in your mind and your heart. PC Principal: Oh, dude. Bro. Scene Description: Vice Principal Strong Woman's office, day. Kyle stands outsdie the office door. To one side are "What is Gender" pamphlets for boys and girls separately. Kyle knocks on the door. Strong Woman: You may enter. [Kyle walks in and sees her putting her books in order] Kyle: Vice Principal Woman? Strong Woman: Yes? [sits at her desk] What can I do for you? Kyle: My name's Kyle, and I've been doing a lot of changing lately. I came because I might be able to offer some... insight into our problem here. Strong Woman: Please, by all means. Kyle: You see, there's a culture at this school that embraces meanness, and I believe now that it comes from a Canadian TV show. All the boys watch it. I did too. We all laughed while they... farted... on innocent people's heads. The thing is, I never felt for the person being farted on. Until now. I want to work with you to open people's eyes, because I get it now. Strong Woman: [not following] You want to blame farts? That seems kind of ridiculous, doesn't it? Kyle: What? Strong Woman: I mean, it's a slippery slope when we start pointing the finger at our own shortcomings. Kyle: But, but I thought for sure YOU would be on my side. Strong Woman: Kind of sounds like something my mother would say, actually. Kyle: What?? D'oh, forget it! [turns around and walks out] Scene Description: The school hallways. Kyle walks by himself as other kids are at their lockers. Cartman's voice is heard over the PA system. Cartman: May I have your attention please? Mrs. Broflovski, your tampons are available at the front desk. Mrs. Broflovski, your tampons are available at the front desk. Thank you. [begins to laugh. The kids around Kyle begin to laugh as well] Heidi: [over the PA system] Come on, we've gotta get out of here. Kyle: Rrrrr! Scene Description: PC Principal's office, later. PC Principal tries to block out "Hold My Hand" from his ears, but it only gets louder. His office door opens. Mr. Mackey: You wanted to see me, PC Principal? PC Principal: Uh YES. Yes, Mackey, um, I just wanted to see how you thought it was going with Strong Woman. Mr. Mackey: Well, she seems to be acclimating fine, ukay, the kids really respect her. PC Principal: Do you know, uh, [begins to fumble on his words] Do you know if Strong Woman has a boyfriend? Mr. Mackey: What?? PC Principal: No-nothing. Just forget it. [leaves his desk and walks towards the door] Mr. Mackey: Are you out of your fuckin' mind?! Askin' if a coworker is available in today's times?! PC Principal: I just wanted to know because she's unavailable, then maybe I can get my head off of her, alright? Mr. Mackey: Oh boy, this is bad! This is real bad! PC Principal: [turns around] I don't know how it happened. I know it's inappropriate and yet I can't stop thinking about her. I think I'm... sick. Mr. Mackey: Look, this is real fucking fire you're dealing with, uhkay?! I'm gonna get someone down here from HR! PC Principal: HR? Is that like... Hootie Removal? Mr. Mackey: No! Human resources! The people that come in to make sure everything's kept on the level! We gotta get you back on track! Scene Description: Special Report. Anchor Tom: Is Canada a bad influence on the United States? A group of young people called "Millennials Against Canada" thinks so, and we are joined by their leader, Kyle Broflovski. Kyle: Thanks for having me, Tom. Anchor Tom: Young man, you say Canada is to blame for most of our problems. Kyle: All I'm saying is that there's a culture that originates from Canada which is at least partly to blame for the state of our country now. Anchor Tom: To respond to this we're now joined by the Canadian Minister of Streaming. Minister of Streaming: Thanks for having me, buddeh. Anchor Tom: Minister, how do you answer to these angry millennials? Minister of Streaming: Well, they're pissed off because their country sucks, so they wanna point the finger at us. Kyle: I'm saying we're all guilty too. I grew up watching Terrance & Phillip, and I thought it was funny. Minister of Streaming: So you thought it was funny, but now it's not funny? Kyle: No, it was never funny. I see it differently now. Minister of Streaming: Oh, so you want to censor it. Kyle: We don't wanna censor it, we just wanna... get rid of it. Minister of Streaming: Uh huh, you sound like a Jewish mother. Kyle: Oh, see? That's what I'm talking about, right there! That kind of mean, degrading, Canadian trash! Minister of Streaming: Now I resent that! I find that racist- Kyle: Canadians should care about the rest of the world! Minister of Streaming: You are a racist, fwiend, and if you have a problem with Canada, maybe you should speak to your backwards President! Kyle: Maybe I will! Minister of Streaming: 'Kay, go ahead! Kyle: Maybe I know the President! Minister of Streaming: Oh, sure you do! Just like all Jewish moms, 'cause you don't understand how- Kyle: Stop calling me that! Minister of Streaming: Can I finish?! Kyle: That's all you know is how to be mean- Minister of Streaming: That's not a- Can I finish, please?! Kyle: Because you were all raised on it yourselves! Minister of Streaming: Please, can I finish?! [a few seconds of silence] Alright, I'm finished. Scene Description: South Park Elementary faculty room, day. PC Principal has called a faculty meeting. PC Principal: Alright, everyone. Listen up. As you know, we want to provide a safe work environment for all our employees. Sometimes feelings do arise and we are tempted by the Devil to act upon them. So we've been reaching out to Human Resources division as I think we can all use someone to tell us about what is and isn't considered misconduct. She has some great advice for us, so please welcome Heather Conduct. Go ahead, Miss Conduct. Miss Conduct: Hello, everyone, my name is Miss Conduct. I'm hear to talk about making sure we avoid any trouble at this school. M'alright? Mr. Mackey: [smiles] Uh m'kay. Miss Conduct: M'alright. Now, by a show of hands, who's ever had inappropriate feelings for a coworker? [Strong Woman raises her hand. PC Principal is surprised] Scene Description: The Terrance & Phillip Show, guest-starring a Canadian girl scout selling cookies. Phillip: Well hello there, little girl. Terrance: Are you selling girl scout cookies? Girl: Well yes I am. How about a Snickerdoodle? Phillip: Alright, you asked for it. [raises his right leg up high slowly and farts on the girl. The duo laugh] Oh! Oh, I think I shit my pants. Kyle: [runs into view blowing a referee whistle] Alright! That's it! Everyone stop! We're shutting it down! [the show's crew is stunned, and adult members of Millennials Against Canada come in and confiscate the equipment] We are Millennials Against Canada. We demand this kind of bullying Canadian entertainment be stopped! Terrance: Didn't think I'd live long enough to see this all happen again. Scene Description: Breaking News. Anchor Tom: More and more millennials are turning into Jewish mothers today as they demand the censorship of entertainment. The protesters say they're not giving up and are demanding to speak with the President of the United States. M.A.C. Protester 1: [walks up to Kyle with a ringing cell phone] Here you go. Call is coming in on your phone. Kyle: Good. Give it here. [receives it and answers] Yes, hello? This is the leader of Millennials Against Canada. Stan: [calling from his living room] Kyle, what the fuck are you doing? [Everyone present at the viewing party is there again, except Kyle] Kyle: Oh, I'm sorry I'm taking a stand and doing something. I realize this doesn't gel with your nihilism! Stan: Okay, dude. I didn't wanna have to say this, but you're really starting to sound like your mom. Kyle: I'm not like my mom! I'm gonna make a difference! It's gonna feel real good! Tweek: [runs up and takes the phone from Stan] Kyle! Kyle! Don't do this, man! You can't mess with this shit while You Know Who is in office! We're all gonna die! Scene Description: South Park Elementary faculty room, day. Miss Conduct holds the floor. Miss Conduct: M'alright, so now everyone, we're gonna do some role-playing, m'alright? Talk about appropriate ways we can talk in the workplace. Can I, can I get a volunteer to role-play with me? M'alright? [looks towards Mackey] How about you, Mr. uh... Mr. Mackey: Mr. Mackey. Miss Conduct: M'alright, come on up here. [he joins her] M'alright now, we're just gonna pretend it's a normal mornin' before work, and we're startin' the day. [shakes hand] Oh, Mr. Mackey. Good mornin'! Mr. Mackey: [a bit awkward] Good morning, uh, Miss Conduct. Miss Conduct: Now, did you have a nice night? Mr. Mackey: Yeah, yeah it was good. Miss Conduct: M'alright. Okay. Uh good luck today, and I hope that our workin' relationship can continue to be honest and straightforward. Mr. Mackey: Oh, ah I'm very open and honest, I promise you that. Miss Conduct: I can see that. You got very honest eyes, m'alright. [turns to the rest of the faculty] M'alright, I probably shouldn't have said "You have honest eyes", m'alright. That's a big crossin' the line, commentin' on his physical attributes, m'alright? That's bad. I'm gonna stick to just talkin' about work only, m'alright? [back to Mr. Mackey] So, uh, Mr. Mackey, what methods do you use for counseling the students? Mr. Mackey: Oh, I mostly use a semi-cognitive approach adapted by Kiezrick Solomon. Miss Conduct: Wow, you studied Solomon? He was actually my thesis in college. Mr. Mackey: Are you serious? Nobody I talked to has ever even heard of him! Miss Conduct: No! Same here! What made you attracted to his work? Mr. Mackey: Well it's just such a na-natural approach, m'kay? Miss Conduct: M'alright, m'alright. Mr. Mackey: When I read it, you know, first I was like "whoa, okay!" Miss Conduct: M'alright. Mr. Mackey: "This just really makes sense", you know? Miss Conduct: [giggles] Well, m'alright. Mr. Mackey: Mmmm'kay Miss Conduct: M'alright. [they smile at each other] Scene Description: Washington, D.C., day. The Minister of Streaming rides into town with four bodyguards and pull up to the White House. The minister walks into the Oval Office with two of his guards. Minister of Streaming: Mr. President! You need to do something about your millennials! President Garrison: [plucking with his eyebrows] What do you want me to do? Minister of Streaming: Terrance & Phillip are Canada's largest export! They account for 80% of our gross national product! If your citizens mess with them, they mess with all of us! Garrison: Look, I'm President of the United States. I can't get involved in every petty little protest against a third-world country. Minister of Streaming: Third-world country?! [steps forward] How dare you! Canada is second-world at least! [reaches the desk] Now you listen here, Mr. Buddeh! Either you stop the embargo on The Terrance & Phillip Show, or we'll bring in our own troops to stop it ourselves! Garrison: Are you threatening us, you beady-eyed Canuck? Minister of Streaming: I'm simply telling you that Canada will do what it must to protect itself! Garrison: Then I guess both our countries better be prepared. Scene Description: The faculty room, continuing. Mr. Mackey and Miss Conduct are now sitting on folding chairs enjoying their conversation, holding cups of coffee in their hands, crossing their right legs over their left ones. Mr. Mackey: And then, you know, I was-I was looking to get away from the city. [uncrosses his legs] I've never really been a city person. Miss Conduct: M'alright, m'alright, I definitely get that, m'alright. Mr. Mackey: [crosses his legs again] I like hikin' around, bein' around in nature, m'kay. Miss Conduct: No, I agree, I agree, the city's bad. I love hikin' too. What are some of your favorite places? Mr. Mackey: Well, you know, Mt. Evens is always nice. Miss Conduct: [chuckles] M'alright, m'alright. [they uncross their legs as a siren sounds] Strong Woman: What the hell is that? Mr. Adler: [checks his phone] There's some kind of... military alert going out. PC Principal: [stands up and looks out the window] All right, military alert, everyone! Let's get to the hallways and get the students to the gymnasium! Come on, let's move! Scene Description: The Terrance & Phillip Show set, day. There's a break in taping, since no one is moving. Helicopters are heard in the distance, police sirens are heard arriving. M.A.C. Protester 2: [looks out a window] It's the National Guard. Kyle: The National Guard? M.A.C. Protester 1: It's the President. He wants to talk to you. [hands him the phone] Kyle: Yes. This is Millennials Against Canada. Garrison: Yeah, listen, this thing's kind of escalating. You people need to call it quits. Kyle: We can't do that, Mr. President. Someone has to do what's right. Garrison: What exactly do you want? Kyle: What do I want? I want a world... where laughter doesn't come at someone else's expense. Where people can live freely without fear of being farted on. I want a world where you aren't ridiculed for trying to help. A world where a nice girl that I liked isn't turned into another Eric Cartman! These Canadians are in the way of that world, and everything they do and everything they have done needs to be erased from the Earth! Garrison: Jeez, I got a little chub. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, hallways, day. Students run towards the gym as PC Principal and Strong Woman round them up and herd them there. Strong Woman: Let's go! Everyone to the gymnasium now! PC Principal: You heard her! Move it, people! [more students run towards the gym. As the last of them runs by, he turns around] I have to make sure all the classes are empty. You go take cover with the kids. Strong Woman: I'm coming too. I'm your vice principal. PC Principal: Alright, come on! [they reach the faculty room] Oh no. Strong Woman: What's wrong? PC Principal: Vice Principal Woman, I need to ask you something. Strong Woman: Okay? PC Principal: This is very difficult, but, uh... Strong Woman: What? What? PC Principal: [clears his throat] Well, as you can see, there's a door in front of us. Strong Woman: Yes, there is. PC Principal: I would like to open this door for you. However, I understand the gender-based biases this can imply. Strong Woman: Why do you need to open the door? PC Principal: I don't need to open the door. I'd just be opening it and holding it the same way I would for Counselor Mackey, a student, anyone else. Strong Woman: Somebody's gonna have to open the door, or we could die out here. Scene Description: A second or two later, and they both reach for the doorknob. Her right hand gets there first and he wraps his left hand around her wright hand. They look at each other as "Hold My Hand" plays again. The kids are now in the gym with their teachers and other faculty. The President opens a briefcase and takes out a key with which to activate the suitcase. He puts the key in the lock and turns it, triggering a green light, and types in the numerical code that will launch a bomb onto Canada. Sometime later, a bomb falls onto Toronto, Canada, and blows it up, sending up hundreds of Canadians to their deaths. PC Principal takes off his glasses and he and Strong Woman gaze into each other's eyes. More Canadian bodies fly around. At the Terrance & Phillip show set, Kyle walks up to a TV showing the destruction the President has unleashed and is horrified by it. The last scene is PC Principal and Strong Woman gazing into each other's eyes, their hands no longer on the doorknob.

Scene Description: South Park, a rainy night. A girl screams Crystal: Mommy! Momm-mmy! [her bedroom door opens and her parents walk in. Her dad flicks on the lights] He's gonna get me! Bob White: Honey, honey, who's gonna get you? Crystal: The President! I saw him! He's gonna get me! Bob White: Crystal, the President isn't going to get you. Crystal: But I saw him! Bob White: [to his wife] See what I told you? It's that liberal school she's going to, filling her head with all kinds of garbage! Sweetie, the President is doing the best job he can. Your liberal school is just trying to convince you he's dangerous. Crystal: But Daddy, he's getting- Bob White: Uh uh, no buts! The President is in the White House, not here trying to get you. Okay? Crystal: Oh-kaaay? Bob White: All right. [he and Mom walk out the door, and he tells Mom] We're having a talk with that school in the morning! [turns to Crystal] Good night, honey. [turns off the lights, and the couple goes to their room. Thunder and lightning get Crystal out of bed and she goes to her window. She sees a shadow on the walkway outside. When lightning flashes, she sees it's indeed the President.] Garrison: Hey! How are my approval ratings?! [Crystal runs back to bed] Scene Description: Kyle's room, 8:57 p.m. He's moping at the foot of his bed. Reporter: And the latest reports are now saying that over a million Canadians were killed in the nuclear blast. The bomb dropped by the U.S. President took out the entire city of Toronto, and fallout is expected to kill thousands more in the coming days. [A moment of silence follows, and Ike appears at Kyle's door.] Kyle: Ike... Ike, I'm sorry that I caused a nuclear bomb to be dropped on Canada. I was just- you know, I was just trying to get shows that were toxic taken down. You know, those shows can be really harmful. Ike: Ohhh, stop being a victim! Jesus Christ! [turns left and walks away. Kyle is left with his jaw dropped, then goes back to moping] Scene Description: South Park, Elementary, day. It's raining outside. The Principal's office. A father is expressing his concerns Bob White: What I wanna know is, what gives you the right to preach your political views to my children?! Our daughter woke up with nightmares that the President was going to get her! Just because two liberals happen to be principal and vice principal doesn't mean you can brainwash my kids! PC Principal: Uh, we sort of have some bigger problems right now, Mr. Uh... Bob White: It's White. Bob White. You probably never even heard of our family, huh? Well, the Whites have been here since the beginning! Not that it matters, 'cause no one cares about the Whites. Sure, everyone else has problems, but does anyone ask the Whites how they're doing?! Strong Woman: Mr. White, we assure you that we run this school in a very [glances at PC Principal] professional manner and don't let [glances again] personal emotions get in the way. [glances again. He looks back, and their eyes are locked] Bob White: Oh, sure you don't! You know how hard I had to fight to even get this meeting with you?! "Oh, who wants to talk to the administration? Oh, it's just the Whites? Oh, who cares about the Whites? They're fine!" Well, we've just about had with you, you understand? [a song plays that drowns out Mr. White's rant: Barbara Mandrell - "(If Loving You Is Wrong) I Don't Want To Be Right"] And damn it, we won't be ignored! Mrs.White: [hearing the song somehow] I'm sorry, is anyone else hearing "(If Loving You Is Wrong) I Don't Want To Be Right" very very quietly? Strong Woman: Uh, no. Mr. and Mrs. White, we promise that we will not let anything happen that might bring the integrity of this school into question. Bob White: Guess that's all the Whites can hope for these days. Scene Description: South Park, night. Someone is riding a bike in the rain. It's Tweek. He notices something off to his left - a red balloon - on which is written "Make America Great Again." The balloon pops, revealing President Garrison Garrison: Hey! Tweek: Aaaagh! Garrison: How are my approval ratings? Tweek: It's the President! Gaaahhh! [rides away quickly] Garrison: Wait, come back! What's wrong? Scene Description: Sepcial Report, with Bill Keegan Bill Keegan: Still no word from the President, as his Splatty Tomato approval rating drops to an unprecedented 3%. This puts the President four points below Nut Job 2: Nutty By Nature. Meanwhile, the Canadian Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau called upon Canadians to stand strong. Justin Trudeau: [stands behind a tattered podium with a Canadian flag on it.] Make no mistake, America! If you do not hand over your President, there will be war the likes of which you have never seen! Canadians will rise together! I call on all Canadians here and abroad to stand with their country! The U.S. President must answer for his crime, and only Canada can bring him to justice! [Trudeau himself was bombed, as he is charred and tattered as well. Ike, having seen the broadcast, gets angry and walks off] Scene Description: A bus bench, day. Craig and Tweek sit on it, Tweek shivering from his encounter with the President. Tweek grumbles. Craig: [pats him on the shoulder] There there, Tweek. Everything is going to be okay. Tweek: I saw what I saw, Craig! You have to believe me! Kyle: [Him and Stan walk up with their bikes] What's going on? Craig: Tweek's having a panic attack. Tweek: It was real! He tried to get me! Kyle: Who did? Tweek: The President! [Stan looks away, as if Tweek's statement hit close to home] Craig: It's just your imagination, Tweek. Stan: It's not his imagination. I saw him too. Kyle: You saw the President? Stan: Out by the quarry. But I didn't believe it. I said, "How could this be..." Heidi: ..."The President?" [Her and Cartman walk up with their bikes] I saw him too. He had a blue suit and an orange face. He kept asking me "How are my ap..." Token: "...How are my approval ratings?" [walks up with his bike] I saw him too. Stan: Dude, isn't this all really familiar? I saw something just like this on that show called Stranger... Randy: [rides up on his bike] ...Stranger Things. Stranger Things is the show. I saw it too. Craig: But wait, isn't Stranger Things just like that movie-? Cartman: Just like that movie It. Randy: You saw It too? Cartman: Yeah, I saw It in the theater. Token: I saw Stranger Things AND It. Randy: Jesus. I don't think anyone's imagining anything. I think the President IS here. You kids get inside somewhere. I have to warn the town! [gets on his bike and rides off, only to fall on his face a few seconds later.] Aw! Scene Description: Town meeting, night. A crowd has gathered inside, and all the townsfolk are talking Mayor McDaniels: All right, people. People, please! We need everyone to try and stay calm. Townsman 1: How can we stay calm while the President's out there scaring our children?! Mayor McDaniels: Look, we all want the President out of here. It's just a matter of how we do it. I know you all want to get rid of him. Bob White: That's not true! The Whites still support the President Randy: Oh, for fuck's sake, White, he's running around eating our pets and terrorizing our kids! Bob White: You think Hillary would have been any better?! Townsfolk: Aw! Come on! Sit down, Bob! Bob White: [Sits down] I'm just sayin', I'm just sayin' Mayor McDaniels: Listen, everyone. I have a team right now that's trying to locate the President, and I'd like you to hear from Officer Bright, who's leading the search. [the officer adjusts his pants and walks up to the podium] Officer Bright: Hey folks, we know you're all uh concerned, but I wanna assure you that we're doing everything we can to track the President down and have him safely removed. Since the President was given a Splatty Tomato he's become very desperate and very dangerous. If you see the President, do not approach him. Do not try to reason with him. Most importantly, remember that this is the President, so you cannot shoot him. All right? You can't even talk about shooting him. Don't even... do any coy, satirical takes on shooting him. [the room stays silent] Okay, good. What we're trying to do here is just get the President to go away. We're gonna be handing out padlocks like this one [lifts one up for display] so everyone can lock up their garbage. If we don't feed the President, hopefully he'll just move on. Are there any questions? Townsman 2: Can we talk about a friend shooting him if it's in sort of a sarcastic way? Officer Bright: No, no, no. It's just best to avoid that kind of talk altogether. Remember, they can do to you what they did to Kathy Griffin. Randy: Make her not funny for thirty years? Officer Bright: That's right, so best thing is just lock up your garbage and see if we can get the President to... go away. Scene Description: South Park, night. An officer is tacking posters of missing Ike onto community boards throughout town. Stan, Cartman, Heidi, Craig, and Tweek watch as the officer finishes his work on one particular board and moves on Stan: Jesus. Now kids are going missing. Tweek: We're all going to be missing soon! Nyaaarg! Stan: [notices Kyle across the street walking by] Kyle! [the kids walk up to him] Kyle: It's my fault. Ike went to go take matters into his own hands. I have to find him. Craig: We'll help you. Stan: We'll all help you. Cartman: Guys this could be very dangerous. Heidi: You're not going. You promised that tonight, we would have a date night. Cartman: Darling this is a little more pressing than date night. Heidi: Oh great. So Kyle's stupid brother goes missing, and I get fucked. How come I'm always the one getting shit on around here? Kyle: I don't need anyone to go with me. Heidi: Oh what's the matter, Kyle? Don't want me around because you had the hots for me and I shut you down? Kyle: I would never have the hots for the person you are now. Stan: Come on you guys. Look, we all know what we're supposed to do now We all saw "It" and "Stranger Things". We need to get our backpacks and go out to the woods and save the town from evil to some kick-ass '80s' music! Scene Description: Meanwhile at De Faggoncini Italian, Butters, the Vice Principal and PC Principal walk trhough the door. Butters wears a message on his shirt saying 'Student of the Day'. Waiter: Hello, joining us for lunch today? PC Principal: Uh, yes. We are here with our student of the day to reward him lunch with the principal and vice principal. Strong Woman: We have a reservation. Waiter: Okay, last name? Strong Woman: Woman. Waiter: First name? Strong Woman: [Takes a deep breath] Strong. Waiter: Oh, yes, Strong Woman, here we are. We have a nice booth set up for you. Strong Woman: We can't keep doing this. People are gonna see through it. PC Principal: Is it my fault that I found the most amazing, perfect, beautiful woman...at work? Strong Woman: Nobody will understand. PC Principal: Maybe they will. We're co-worker who are in love. You really think that's going to bother people? Butters: Well, should we order now? Scene Description: Bob White comes out of his house with some food. He then starts whistling. He then proceeds to put the food on the floor but is stopped. Randy: What are you doing, Bob? Bob White: Aah! Randy: [Randy is joined by Steven, Linda, Sharon and Roger] Have you been putting food out for the president? Bob White: No, I was just, uh, taking these sandwiches to the trash. Randy: We all agreed not to feed him so he'd go away. Bob White: We didn't all agree! You all agreed! Nobody asked the Whites how they felt! Nobody cares what the Whites have to say! Randy: Bob, come on. You have to know it's not safe to have him here. Bob White: In 2003, Hillary Clinton admitted to taking funds for her foundation from foreign diplomats! Randy: What's that got to do with anything, Bob? Come on. Bob White: It's fucking true! Randy: Bob, if Canada finds out the president is hiding here, they are going to nuke us. He needs to go. Bob White: Hillary wouldn't have been any better. Randy: Give me the finger sandwiches. Bob White: Fine! Go ahead and take the White's sandwiches! They've taken everything else! Scene Description: As the boys begin their journey "The Chicago Bears' The Super Bowl Shuffle" plays. Stan: Due, this is '80's' music? Craig: Yeah. It's Pandora. '80s' channel. Stan: Well, just skip to the next song, man. We're trying to get psyched to destroy evil. We need better '80s' music than that. Scene Description: As the boys continue, "Gloria" plays. Heidi stops as the boys go over a bridge. Cartman: Heidi? Honey, what are you doing? Heidi: This is the place... This is the place where I ended it all, remember? This is where I threw my phone of the bridge and quit Twitter for good. [The camera pans to the left to show Heidi's ghost] I was so different then... so naive and hopeful. [The ghost throws the phone in the river after tweeting her final goodbye] Cartman: Yes honey, now can we get going, please? Heidi: I'm sorry! I'm trying to have a moment here! This is where our whole relationship started asshole! Cartman: Yes, it's very touching, sweetheart. I love you so much. [Quietly] I'm sorry about this, you guys. Heidi: [The ghost turns to face herself] I remember feeling like I had nobody. Skinny bitch. Kyle: We need to keep going guys. Scene Description: Over at the Mayor's office. Mayor McDaniels: Don't tell me you haven't gotten the President out of here. Officer Bright: We haven't gotten the president out of here. And there's some worse news. A bunch of kids have gone missing. Mayor McDaniels: What? Officer Bright: I think we have to assume that the President has... eaten them. [Mrs Tweak starts crying] Mayor McDaniels: Why are you here talking to me instead of trying to find the President? Officer Bright: Don't worry, we're close. He's out in the woods somewhere. And we've set up a fox trap. Mayor McDaniels: A fox trap? Scene Description: The president is watching a mouse, grabs it and eats it. He then sees Fox News with a man sitting waiting. Garrison: Oh, Fox News... They'll listen to me. They'll get my side of the story right! Bob White: [He whistles the bird call of the bobwhite quail to get Garrison's attention] It's a trap! Garrison: What? Bob White: It's a Fox trap, Mr. President! Garrison: Oh, thank God for the Whites. Scene Description: The boys venture on as "Hold On to the Nights" plays. Kyle: Ike! Ike? Stan: Dude, come on! This is not kick-ass '80s' music! Craig: "Hold On to the Nights" Richard Marx, 1988. Tweek: Do we really need music? Stan: Yeah! Craig just has the wrong stuff. Forget your pandora. I'm doing Spotify. '80s' music. 'Kay. There. ["Pac-Man Fever" plays] Craig: Oh, yeah. That's better. Kyle: Can we go please?! Scene Description: The boys come up to the log cabin. Kyle: Here it is. [Opens the door] Ike? Heidi: Wait a minute... Isn't this the place you brought me before? The place you said your friends smashed your phone and computer...? I remember I felt so bad for you. We used to sit in the part and talk for hours. How come we never do that anymore? Cartman: Oh, fuck. Here we go. Heidi: Here we go what?! You used to be so nice to me. Cartman: You used to be nice to me! Heidi: I tired! But then you started rolling your eyes every time I tried to talk to you! Cartman: Ughhhh... Kyle: He's not here either. Craig: Dude, maybe your brother didn't even go looking for the President. Kyle: You don't understand Canadians. They're fiercely loyal to their country. When Canada is attacked, they all join in the fight. Scene Description: Ike is seen riding a dog. He uses a pair of binoculars to look around. He then picks some poo up, breaks it in half and sniffs it, he then proceeds to get back on his dog. Scene Description: Randy and a few other parents are looking around in the woods. He uses a flashlight. Jimbo: Randy! Randy! Randy: What? Jimbo: They got him! They found the President! Officer Bright: We found his hideout. There. Someone's gotta go flush him out. I'll be ready to trap him. Randy: I'll do it. Officer Bright: Hey, hey! Just remember he's been eating animals and living like a monster. Just... prepare yourself for what you're about to see. Scene Description: Randy approaches the tent and looks inside to see Strong Woman and PC Principal naked. Strong Woman: Oh my God! Randy: What the... Principal and Vice Principal...? Strong Woman: I told you we couldn't hide. Randy: But... But you two work togeth... You two work togeth... [Vomits] Officer Bright: Hey, what the hell's going on?! Linda Black: Who's together? Randy: The Principal and the Vice Principal! Steven: They can't be together! They're co-workers! Scene Description: PC Principal and Strong Woman exit the tent. Steven vomits. Offier Bright: Wait, wait. You mean he's actually her superior and they were in there... [Gags, then vomits] Steven: Who would want to put their penis in a co-worker?! [Gags then vomits. Everyone else starts doing the same] Scene Description: The boys proceed on while Queen of Hearts plays. Kyle: Oh, my God! Look! These are Ike's toy binoculars! He was here! Ike! Heidi: I remember this place too... This is where you brought me on Halloween. Remember? Cartman: [Sarcastically] Yes, darling, wasn't it romantic Heidi: No! It wasn't romantic. There was a witch and you had me dress up like Gretel and... [gasps] you were trying to get me killed! Cartman: Sweetheart, you made me late to the pumpkin patch, remember? I was hurt. Heidi: You were hurt! You Were the victim. Cartman: I'm glad you understand. Heidi: [Heidi's ghost appears] Who turned you into this, Heidi? Shut up! Skinny-ass bitch! You don't know anything! Cartman: Heidi, I think spooky walk in the woods is making you lost it a little bit. Stan: Guys! Garrison: I'm seriously dehydrated and starving. I'm pretty sick of this shit, so you better... Aah! Scene Description: Mr Garrison gets caught in a trap Ike set up. Meanwhile at the Community Center. Mr. Turner: Have we already done a search of this area? Maybe she went there with her boyfriend! Mrs. Turner: She would have called by now. Laura: I just talked to the McCormicks. They haven't seen Tweek or Craig since yesterday. Scene Description: Just then, Jimbo, Steven, Linda, Officer Bright, Roger, Mrs Tweak along with a few other parents walk through the door. Sharon: Randy! Did you find anything? Randy: [He takes off his hood] Sharon... I... I... Sharon: What is it? What did you find? Randy: The... There's... Ugh... Sharon: Tell me! You have to tell me! [Officer Bright takes off his hat] Oh, God! What did you see?! Randy: You don't want to know. Sharon: You have to tell me! I can take it! Did you find our son's arm? Did you find him torn apart? What?! Randy: The Principal and Vice Principal are, like... together. [Sharon vomits right onto Randy's face.] Aw! Scene Description: Ike plays a high pitched horn as he arrives back in South Park. Everyone comes out of the Community Center. He has Garrison tied up behind and gagged. Officer Bright: It's the President! [People begin to cheer] Sheila: Ike! Kyle! Sharon: Stan, you're okay! Stan: Yeah, we're okay! Officer Bright: We got him. We got the son of a bitch. [Bob White walks over and grabs Officer Bright's gun] Bob White: Get back! Everyone back! Do it now! Get over here, family! Randy: Bob, for the love of Pete, our country is about to go to war! Bob White: You wanna know where there's a war?! There's a war on Christmas! Nobody cares about that! 'Cos guess who loves Christmas? The Whites! At least this man's trying to save Christmas! Garrison: [Muffled] That's true! Randy: He's not saving Christmas, Bob. He's running around scaring your kids and shitting in the woods. Bob White: [Sighs, sobs] Randy: Come on, Bob. What's best for your daughter? I mean, really? Heidi: [Heidi grabs White's gun] You piece of shit! This was all your fault! [She points the gun at Cartman] You controlled me and manipulated me and turned me into this! Cartman: Baby, put down the gun, sweetheart, okay? Heidi: I used to be kind. I used to be caring. But then you... you... No. Not you. Me. I did this. I let being a victim become a way of life. If you always make yourself the victim, you can justify being awful. Eric... I'm sorry. I'm breaking up with you. Cartman: Honey, don't be ridiculous. Heidi: I've been ridiculous. I have to learn to stop feeling sorry for myself. Cartman: Heidi, you are not breaking up with me. Heidi: Yes, I am. It's over. Cartman: I'm afraid I can't let you do that, sweetheart! [He grabs the gun and points it at himself] Step back! I'll do it I swear to God! Heidi: It's not gonna work this time, Eric. Cartman: You break up with me, I will kill myself! The choice is yours, Heidi! Come on everybody! "Eric, we don't want you to die." Heidi: I'm sorry. You can be the victim. I can't. Cartman: Heidi! Heidi, I'm gonna do it! Here we go! Heidi? Are you seriously... Scene Description: A scream is heard. Everyone moves to where Garrison was. Officer Bright: He broke free! Jimbo: The President is on the loose again. Officer Bright: He'll be even more desperate now. It's going to get worse. Stan: We can't destroy him, can we? Randy: I don't know. I guess... It's up to the Whites.

Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Mrs. Nelson hands out papers to the students. Mrs. Nelson: I want you all to take a close look at your math exams, children. Some of you did very well, but many of you did not. [hands Cartman his exam, which has a big red F stamped on it] Cartman: Oh, man! Mrs. Nelson: [goes to the board] The addition of fractions is very simple. Let's run through it again. How do we solve this first one? [gun shots are heard outside, followed by faraway screams of children] Butters: [raises his hand] Add together the three and the three. Mrs. Nelson: [turns to the board] Good, Butters, we add the three's together. [writes 6 in the numerator's place.] And what about the four's? Token? Token: They're the denominators, so they stay a four. Cartman: Wait, wait, Token got an A? But I cheated off Token! Mrs. Nelson: Ah, I can't hear you, Eric. Cartman: I said something's wrong! I got an F, but I cheated off Token! SWAT officer 1: [armed, runs into the classroom] Active shooter! Active shooter! ["All units, report in" The officer strikes various poses as he checks out the classroom. More gunshots are heard. Mrs. Nelson moves around to stay visible to the class] Mrs. Nelson: And now we divide, right?! Craig, how about you?! What are we dividing?! SWAT officer 1: [moving offscreen] Active shooter! Active shooter! Craig: Divide four by six? ["Report now!"] Mrs. Nelson: The four by the six?! SWAT officer 1: Unit 5 in southwest classroom! [more police chatter] Mrs. Nelson: Or the six by the four?! Kyle: The six by the four! SWAT officer 1: Southwest classroom, clear! ["Copy. Southwest classroom, clear."] Mrs. Nelson: Now we're gonna retake the exam on Friday. Class: AWWW! SWAT officer 2: Shooter's in the hallway! All units report! [he and officer 1 leave the classroom and make their way towards the shooter.] Mrs. Nelson: Now I'm giving you an opportunity to do better. I hope you take advantage of it. SWAT officer: [the officers have swarmed the shooter outside] Put down the gun, son. You don't wanna do this. Cartman: You can see where Token erased his answers and wrote down the right ones! He did it to me on purpose! [a final gunshot] Mrs. Nelson: Eric, that's enough! ["Shooter is down, shooter is down"] Now let's move on to the next equation. Scene Description: The aftermath. Aerial shot of the school. Four officers are on the school roof. Several officers are with the students in the playground on lockdown. A couple of paramedics carry the shooter away on a stretcher towards an ambulance. Several officers talk to the teachers on the school's front lawn. The bell rings and the students are released from lockdown Cartman: That is such bullshit, you guys! Token knew I was cheating off him, so he deliberately put down the wrong answers! Why would he do that?! Stan: I flunked that test too. I don't understand fractions - they don't make any sense. Cartman: That's not the point, you guys! Why is Token out to get me? There's something going on here. Bill Keegan: Another school shooting today has left students in shock and disbelief. Kyle: Yeah, Token's probably sick of you cheating off him all the time. Cartman: But why now? That's the question, Kyle. I always cheat off Token. Why did he choose now to hurt me? Sharon: [a shot of her running towards him. She crosses the police barrier.] Stanley, oh my God! [gets down on her knees and hugs him tight] Baby! Oh, you're okay! Stan: Uh, hey, Mom. Sharon: It's all right, Stanley. We're gonna go home and talk about this with your dad. And we will get through this as a family! [stands up and pulls him away] Come on, get in the car! Cartman: Dude, what's up Stan's mom's ass? Scene Description: The Marsh house, dinnertime. The family is gathered at the table and Sharon approaches the table with her plate and sits down. She glances over at Randy for a moment, then at Shelley. Sharon: Stanley? Well? Do you wanna tell your father about what happened at school today? Stan: [glances up at Randy, who is cutting a slice away from his steak.] Um... Oh- Oh, I... flunked my math quiz. Sharon: Noo, the other thing! Randy: [looks at Sharon] What other thing? [Stan turns his head away. Randy looks at him] What happened at school today? Stan: [looks at Randy] Oh, the school shooting? Sharon: Yes, the school shooting! Stan: Oh, yeah, some kid shot up the school. Randy: Who shot up the schoo- [holds up his knife] was it you? Stan: No. Randy: Did you get shot? Stan: No. Randy: Oh... [goes back to cutting his steak] Well, what's this about failing a math quiz? Sharon: [Stands up in anger and pounds the table. Shelley looks at her, Randy is suddenly afraid] Are you serious?! Did you not hear what your child said?! Kids died at his school! Randy: I'm sorry, Sharon. I... Sharon: Why are you all acting like this is normal? What is wrong with you people?! [storms away upstairs] Stan: What's up Mom's ass? Scene Description: The master bedroom, night. Sharon is in there folding clothes and putting it away angrily Randy: [enters] Hey, Sharon, ya... doin' okay? Sharon: No, I'm not okay! Children were shot! They were killed at a school where they were supposed to be safe! Randy: Uh huh, and... what else is goin' on? Sharon: [turns around angrily] Why does there need to be anything else?! Are you kidding me?! Randy: [holds his palms up] I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Sharon. Sharon: Why isn't anyone else emotional?! Randy: ...Hun, uh... [pause] When was your last...? I mean, you know how sometimes things can seem like a little bigger deal 'cause you know, your... down there? Sharon: Don't you dare suggest that I'm only emotional because it's- Randy: I mean, I'm just, I'm just pointing out that it is around that time. Sharon: GET OUT, RANDY! I'M NOT OVERREACTING! Randy: Okay. Okay, love you, honey. I'll leave you alone. [backs out of the room and sighs] Welp, another three days of this, probably. [turns around and walks down the hallway to the stairs] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Principal's office. Mr. Mackey stands over PC Principal's left shoulder PC Principal: I understand that there have been some problems here at the school lately. A lot of students are experiencing anxiety, and Eric Cartman just wanted to be able to voice his concerns. Go ahead, Eric. [Cartman and Token are seated in chairs before him] Cartman: Token, [sighs] There are some terrible things that I realize you might have heard from the other kids here at school. There are some rumors that have been going around, about me, that... that I thought Black Panther was a terrible movie. There's rumors that I said it was a structural mess. You know, that the rhinos were really stupid. I want to assure you that I never said anything like that. I loved Black Panther. So if, you know, you feel like there's a need to come after me, to get back at me, I just need you to know that people are lying, because I like Black Panther just as much as you did. I am not a racist. Token: I actually never saw Black Panther. Cartman: [affecting a black accent] Say what, girlfriend? Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis? Come on, Raj! You never saw Black Panther?? Token: No, I didn't see it. Cartman: But I thought all of you saw it. [Another day, another round of gunshots.] Mr. Mackey: I got this one. [leaves the office and goes into the hallway.] All right, everyone, get down! Everybody get the fuck down! Cartman: Token, let's be honest with each other, okay? Why else would you manipulate my test grades? PC Principal: How exactly did Token manipulate your grades, Eric? [sirens are heard approaching as gunfire continues] Cartman: There was a test. I should have got an A on it, but Token did things to make me fail, and it's not fair. Mr. Mackey: M'kay, m'kay, who's shootin' up the school? PC Principal: Is that true, Token? Did you do somethin' to make Eric fail a test? Token: [emphatic] I didn't make him fail, no! Cartman: You didn't make me fail the test and you didn't see Black Panther. Right. Mr. Mackey: Everyone down! An officer: Active shooter, active shooter! Cartman: I mean, I mean, this is ridiculous. Mr. Mackey: [appears in the doorway directing the officers] Over this way! Into the cafeteria! Right over there, m'kay- No, you shot the wrong one! Scene Description: The Marsh living room, night. Sharon has called a group of parents together Sharon: Thanks for coming, everybody. I'm sure you all heard there was yet another school shooting today. We have to figure out what we're going to do as parents because this whole thing is out of control! [Randy sighs heavily] We have to ask ourselves why this is happening and do something now! Stephen: Well, you know, Sharon, I think... its a complex issue, you know. It's... it's not really as simple as just... [Randy perks up and begins signing to Stephen furiously. It basically amounts to "Stop! Stop! It's Sharon! She's menstruating!"] What I'm saying is that, that with issues like this, sometimes you have to be kind of... [begins to see what Randy is doing: "she's crazy in the head"] crazy? [Randy motions "heavy menstrual flow"] Sharon: What are you talking about? [Randy pulls out a red handkerchief and pretends it's a bloody tampon] Do you understand that our children are being murdered? Stephen: Red? Sharon: How much closer to home can this all hit? [Randy continues signing: "She's menstruating heavily and it's driving her crazy."] It was at our children's school! Stephen: [still not getting it] Crazy time. Crazy red time. [Sharon notices Randy's motions, and Randy stops in his tracks] Randy: I agree with my wife. Laura: Well, there certainly are things that need changing. Just yesterday, I was at the park with my son Craig and... have you seen the state of the playground equipment? Not only does it seem unsafe, but it's become quite an eyesore. Ryan: The whole park could use an upgrade, if you ask me. It's become a campout for the homeless. Sharon: [irate] ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING?! YOU'RE GONNA TAKE ONE SECOND TO COMPARE CHILD MURDER TO PARK UPGRADES?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYBODY?! YOU'VE ALL GONE CRAZY!! [leaves and goes upstairs. No one says a word] Randy: ...Anybody need a drink? Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Upon entering school, the kids are getting wanded at three security stations as two security cameras look on from the ceiling. Mr. Mackey holds the reins of two drug-sniffing dogs who on occasion bark at a random student walking by. Deeper inside the school, Butters is hall monitor for the day, but he's armed with an AR-15 Cartman: [peeks out from behind a pillar] Butters. [during their conversation, Cartman looks away from time to time, making sure no one else is nearby to hear them] Butters: Waaah! [startled, he almost loses the rifle, but gets control of it and aims it at Cartman] Ah! Uh-oh! [walks over to him] Hey Eric. Cartman: Butters, I need help. My mom says if I flunk another math test, she's gonna ground me from playing Fortnite. Butters: Oh, Jeez, want me to help you study? Cartman: No, dumbass, I need to get some dirt on Token so he stops punishing me for what I supposedly said about Black Panther. Butters: Oho, Black Panther? Well that was a great movie! [smiles] Cartman: No it wasn't. But now listen. [Butters' smile vanishes] There's got to be something Token wouldn't want people to know. Something I can use as leverage. Butters: Well, what do you want me to do? I got hall monitor duty. Cartman: Just ask around. If you find any dirt on Token, give me a call. Butters: Okay, Eric. [turns around and walks away] Cartman: [thinking to himself.] This world is full of two types of people: [stops by Jason's locker for a moment and looks around] the ones who are honest, and the ones who don't play by the rules. [moves off. Jason looks at him. Next, he's going up some stairs but pauses as another student goes down the stairs, then continues up] Token's got everyone believing he's the one African-American in the entire country who didn't see Black Panther. What else is he lying about? [peeks around a corner and spots Nichole at her locker: she's switching books around. Cartman gets that mischievous look on his face] Scene Description: The Marsh kitchen, evening. Randy is seated between Stephen and Gerald, getting tissue after tissue and blowing his nose Randy: [sniffles] It just gets so hard, you know? [Gerald hands him another tissue] Everything's going fine, and then at a certain time of the month I have to start walking on eggshells. Stephen: It's all right, Randy. Randy: It's just. it's just once I'd like her to acknowledge it, you know? Just once say "You know, maybe I was overreacting a little bit 'cause of my hormones." Sharon: [appearing at a doorway to one side of the kitchen] Randy, they announced on the news there's been another school shooting in Jefferson County! Randy: [exasperated] Okay, Sharon. Cool. Sharon: What is "cool" about that?! Randy: Nuh-nothing. I love you, sweetheart. Sharon: GOD! [walks off angrily] Randy: I don't know. I don't know how much more of this I can take. It's like, I turn on the TV and dread they'll say something about a school shooting because it's gonna set my wife off. Stephen: Well, Randy, have you stopped to think that maybe this problem is bigger than Sharon's period? Randy: [sniffles] What... what do you mean? Stephen: I mean that maybe what's going on really is a big deal. What if this is actually... menopause? Randy: Menopause? I don't even know what that is. Scene Description: Mala Vista Middle School, Jefferson County, day. Like at South Park Elementary, there are officers on the roof and first responders on the ground. There are helicopters in the air and some reporters nearby. Randy appears, but what he's doing there is anybody's guess. Paramedic: [puts a casualty into an ambulance and walks over] Well you see, Mr. Marsh, when the woman's ovaries actually stop producing eggs, it's a significant change. It's this ending of the menstrual cycle in a woman's life that we call menopause. Randy: Uh huh. But... if a woman isn't having periods anymore, then why would she still overreact and be bitchy? Paramedic: Well actually, menopause is one of the most severely hormonal times a woman ever goes through. It's good you sought the advice of a medical professional, because the changes in your wife's body are gonna be confusing and at times hard to cope with. Randy: Well wait, you're saying this could actually get worse? Paramedic: I'm afraid so. [notices some movement nearby] Ah, no. Dead ones go in the other truck. [back to Randy] You see Mr. Marsh, menopause is almost like a super period, and it's been known to last... for up to two years. Randy: [trembling] Oh my God! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway, day. Nichole is at her locker and opens the door Cartman: [approaches her] Nichole, can I talk to ya? [leans against the lockers and puts his right foot on one of them] Nichole: 'Bout what? Cartman: Word on the street is you and Token are back together. Nichole: We're trying, just talking a lot and seeing if we can work things out. Cartman: Why did you break up with him? What did he do to you? Nichole: That's... really none of your business. [closes the door and walks away] Cartman: [keeps up] He didn't take you to see Black Panther with him, did he? That must have really stung. Nichole: I don't know what you're talking about. Cartman: Oh no? When you guys talk about how sweet Black Panther was, what's he say? Nichole: We've never talked about it. Cartman: Right. You two guys just hang out and talk, and Black Panther never comes up. Why are you covering for Token? What's he have on you? Nichole: [walks away] I gotta get to class. Cartman: [thinking to himself.] $1.3 billion domestic box office, a milestone for African Americans, [on the school roof taking pictures as Token turns to kick back a soccer ball] and I'm supposed to believe that Token and his little sex kitten never even talked about it. [at home he looks over all the pictures he took, with a pencil in his mouth] The all-school test is in less than 72 hours. Unless there's a connection, I'll be grounded from Fortnite for weeks. [looks closely at one of the pictures, which shows Token and his parents shopping] Cartman: Hello, Mom and Dad. Scene Description: A doctor's office, day. Sharon is seated at the sofa letting out her frustrations on the good doctor. Sharon: I keep thinking... When will be the time when I get the call? You know? When will I answer the phone and find out my son, my daughter, were... killed? At school? Doctor: Mmmhmm. Yeah I see. Sharon: I live in constant fear that I won't be there to protect my children when something happens to them. Doctor: Well, Sharon, have you maybe considered that your feelings are partly due to... handkerchief balls? Sharon: What? [looks at him] Doctor: Handkerchief balls. Handkerchief out the balls. [Randy signs: "she used to have periods,"] Red handkerchief. ["but now she's old and going through menopause"] No- no more handkerchief. No more- no more red. Zero. Empty. Old lady. Sharon: What I'm saying is that I'm so overwhelmed that I- Doctor: Old lady, where's my dick? [Sharon looks at him again] Where's my dick? Sharon: What the hell are you talking about?! I don't understand! [checks the window and sees Randy] God damnit! [leaves the office and goes outside] Stop acting like there's something wrong with me! Something's wrong with you! All of you! Try having some God-damned compassion! [storms away] Scene Description: Token's house, evening. Cartman is visiting them and talking to them about the movie in the kitchen Cartman: Yeah. yeah yeah, I know. You know, my other favorite part was when Black Panther had those dreams about his dead father. I mean the dad, the tribal leader, speaking to the new king about being a good leader. I've never seen a movie do that before, except for Lion King, of course, but Black Panther was so original. Steve: We enjoyed it, yes. Cartman: So, uh, what was Token's favorite part of Black Panther? Linda Black: Token? Cartman: Yeah. You must have all had some deep family talks about it. What does Token say about it on Black Panther Family Discussion Night? [Token comes down some stairs and sees Cartman at table.] Token: Get out of my house! Cartman: Token. Token: Come on, get out! [yanks him off the chair and shows him out the back door] Cartman: Sure thing. You know, we were just talking about how your family did see Black Panther. Steve: Oh, no not the family. Token's mom and I saw it on date night. We're gonna watch it again with Token, though. We don't let him watch it alone because it's PG-13. Cartman: Well, I guess there's nothing more to it, then. Nice talking to you folks. [walks out, but stops moments later] Eh, you know, just one last thing. If you ever found out your son saw a PG-13 movie without you, you'd probably be pretty pissed off. Linda: Well, Token wouldn't do that. Cartman: No. No, he'd have no reason to falsely claim he's the only one who hasn't seen Black Panther. [to Token] I'll see you at school. Scene Description: The Marsh doorbell, day. Someone is ringing it furiously. Sharon goes to answer it Harriet Biggle: Sharon, Sharon, you have to come quick! Sharon: What is it? Linda Stotch: There's another shooting happening at the school right now! Harriet: It just started. Maybe we can make it in time! Sharon: Oh my God! [takes off with the other woomen] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Linda drives up to the school and the three women get out. Sharon: Come on, we have to hurry! Linda: No, Sharon. You go ahead first. Sharon: Why?? Harriet: You just- ya-you should go. [she runs into the school, which is darkened. The security stations are turned off but decorated with garlands. Candles sit on tables, while rose petals on the lobby floor form a heart. Wreaths are everywhere - looks like Randy rented the school out for this. From the left come one group of parents, from the right another group. Harriet and Linda come up behind her as "Love Story" starts up.] Sharon: What the fuck is going on? [on the second floor, a spotlight shines on Randy as he begins singing. He then goes down a flight of stairs] Randy: Where do I begin To tell the story of how great a love can be? Surprise, Sharon The sweet love story that is older than the sea... Scene Description: The boys bathroom. Cartman is inside waiting for someone to finish using a stall. Token opens the stall door and exits. He goes to wash his hands. Cartman moves and locks the bathroom door Cartman: Oh hay, man. The big math quiz is about to start. You gonna let me cheat off you? Token: Nnnope. Cartman: You saw Black Panther without your parents' permission. I typed up all my findings, Token. I made ten copies and put them in envelopes. If I don't pass this math quiz, the envelopes are all set to be sent to ten different news organizations. Token: You did all that instead of actually studying for the test? Cartman: So, what's it gonna be, Token? You can be mad I didn't like Black Panther, but you can't take it out on me anymore. Token: I didn't see Black Panther. Cartman: Then I guess your parents won't be mad when they read my report. Cartman: In poker they call it a bluff. I know that right now, Token is shitting his pants. All I need to do now is wait for the poop to stink. Scene Description: South Park Elementary lobby. Randy continues singing. Randy: She fills my heart with very special things. With angel songs, with wild imaginings She f- Scene Description: The boys bathroom. Cartman is still trying to break Token Cartman: Token, we are running out of time. If you don't let me cheat off you, I'm going to tell your parents that you saw Black Panther in the theater without them! Token: Ii didn't see Black Panther in the theater! Cartman: Of course you did, Token! That's why me ripping on it pissed you off so much! Token: I sear on my mother's life, I don't care what you said about Black Panther! Goodbye! [taken aback, Cartman blocks Token's way] Cartman: But Token, I don't understand! If you didn't see it, and you really don't care that I ripped on Black Panther, then why would you let me cheat- [stops himself and gets another idea...] Oh my God. You don't care what I said because you did see it... and you... didn't like it either. [takes a deep gasp. Token lowers his eyelids] That's what this is all about, isn't it? You hate yourself for seeing through the mirage like I did, and that's why you wouldn't let me cheat off you! Well I didn't write Black Panther, Token! It isn't my fault it sucked! Why go after me?! But now, it's over. Don't worry. They're not gonna know you didn't like Black Panther, so long as... you never make me fail another math test. Token: [checks his phone] Well, we're probably both gonna fail now because fourth period already started. Cartman: What? No! [turns to unlock the door] We have to take that test, Token! [opens the door and pulls him out] Scene Description: Running down the hallway Cartman: Come on! We can still get to class on time! [a flurry of gunshots] Oh, great! Come on, we can do this! [as they run through the hallways, gunshots ring out and gunsmoke fills the air. They pass a stairwell in which some students are huddled. They round a corner and spot a boy at his locker. They run to him] Billy, give me your lunchbox! [Billy hands it over. The window to the computer lab is shattered by gunfire. Butters stays out of the gunfire, too scared to move. Cartman and Token reach him] Butters! Butters: Wull it's the entire glee club this time! Cartman: Butters, I have to get to class! The math quiz is starting! Butters: Oh crap! The math quiz? It's already fourth period? Cartman: I can't flunk this math quiz, Butters! Cover me! Butters: Well okay! [slow motion effect as they run through the school] Waaaagh! Waaaaaagh! Scene Description: The school lobby. Randy continues singing, the adults are all smiles, oblivious to the gunfire around them. Cartman and Token run across the lobby without Butters and take the stairway up to the second floor. They run to class. Randy: How long does it last? Scene Description: an love be measured by the hours in a day Scene Description: The final rush to class. The glee club is still firing away as Cartman and Token reach the classroom. Cartman rolls forward, jumps up, and opens the door. He and Token go in. Scene Description: The aftermath. The wounded are being taken to hospitals, just as in the beginning of the episode Officer Stevens: You did everything you could, Mr. Marsh. If your wife can't realize the truth and appreciate you, maybe she never will. Sharon: Realize what?! What have you been telling everybody, RANDY?! Stephen: Randy was just trying to make you feel loved while you're going through menopause. Sharon: Menopause?! I'm not going through fucking menopause! Stephen: How do you know? Sharon: I just got my period this morning! Randy: You... you got your period? Sharon: YES! Randy: You just got your period this morning? Sharon: YES! Randy: Soooo the past few days, maybe you have been just a liiittle- Sharon: NO! NO NOTHING! Don't you guys see what's happened here?! I want you to be angry! Every day we hear about another school shooting! It used to be a big deal! I want it to be a big deal again. I mean Harriet, you came to my house and said there was a school shooting to trick me into going with you! Harriet: I was just trying to be a part of the big surprise, Sharon. Sharon: That's what I'm talking about! That's crazy, Harriet! I want you all to be shocked! I want you all to be sad! Townsman: You want everyone to be sad? Harriet: Well. Sharon, if you wanted to make me sad, congratulations. [her voice cracks a little] You did a great job. [walks away] Stephen: Yeah, let's go somewhere without so much negativity. [the people disperse] Randy: Aw guys, uh she didn't mean it! She just... get, give her a... [sighs, looks at her, turns around and shuffles away] Scene Description: The classroom. Mrs. Nelson hands out the quiz Mrs. Nelson: The quiz is multiple-choice, but be sure to show all your work. You'll have 20 minutes to complete your answers. All right, your time starts... now. [Cartman stares at Token, who notices. Token rolls his eyes and positions his test so Cartman can see his work. Token solves his problems first, then Cartman copies] Cartman: [thinking] Everybody has dirty laundry. All it takes to find it is getting a little dirty yourself. The only question now is, how many Tokens are out there? How many others are afraid to say that Black Panther wasn't all that sweet because of the damage it could do to them? Cartman: What do you mean? Cartman: [thinking] I mean, in a school of 200 students, there's already two who are covering up the truth. All Token is doing by letting you cheat off him is keeping the whole thing quiet even longer. [crumples up his test and throws it to the ground, thereby earning another F] There are others out there... and even if it means failing, I'm their only damn hope. Scene Description: The Marsh house, backyard. Randy is moping on a tree stump. Sharon opens the back door and sees him Sharon: Randy... [walks up to him] we need to talk. Randy: Sure, honey. Sharon: There's been... too much pain and suffering, and... it has to stop. Randy: I know, sweetheart, I know. Sharon: What I'm trying to say is... I've been very emotional lately, and... maybe... maybe I do overreact sometimes. Randy: [raises his arms up as if he's witnessing a revelation] Aaaaah? Sharon: Maybe I need to realize that my emotions can be hormonal and not just take things out on you. Randy: Aaah? Aaaaah? Sharon: Randy, I'm... sorry. Randy: Aaaah. Aaaaaah. [voice shaky] Thank you, Sharon. I don't know what it's like to have periods, but I'll try to be more understanding from now on. [Sharon's cell phone rings, and she pulls it out of her pocket.] Sharon: Sorry, sorry, one second. [answers it] Hello? Yes. What? Oh my God! Yes. Yes. Yes. Okay. Okay. [hangs up] Randy: What is it? Sharon: There's been another school shooting. Stan's been shot. Randy: Shuh-should we get down there? Sharon: [Sighs] It's not the end of the world. [smiles] Randy: [sighs in relief] Aaaaah. I love you, Sharon. [they hug as he cries on her shoulder] Scene Description: #cancelsouthpark

Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. The family exits and goes to the car. Stan's right arm is in a cast and sling from last week's gunshot at the end of the episode. Randy: Come on, guys, we don't wanna be late! Stan: [trailing behind] Do I have to go? It's the only day I get to play games. Randy: We're all going. Come on! [the others get in] Scene Description: On the road. Stan sits behind Randy, Shelley sits behind Sharon Stan: [upset] ...Don't understand why we have to go to church every Sunday. Randy: Church is important, Stan. Way more important than video games and TV. Church is about community and coming together. A lot of things. Sharon: All I know is that after church I feel better. Randy: Yeah. Me too. Scene Description: The church, day. There's a parking lot across from the Church, and the townsfolk park there for Sunday Mass. There's a crosswalk leading to the Church across the street. The Marshes pull in and say hello to the others Randy: Hey, mornin' Stephen, Linda. Stephen: [chuckling] Morning, guys. Scene Description: After crossing the street, Randy plays doorman to the other congregants Townsman: Aww thanks there, Randy. Randy: You got it- hey, where's Josie? Townsman: Oh, she slipped her disc in her neck. Poor thing can barely move. Randy: Aw, she's gonna miss church? That's too bad. Give her my best. [other congregants move past him as he talks] Scene Description: The church, interior. The congregants are in. Father Maxi finishes reading from the Gospel of John, chapter 3 Fr. Maxi: For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, [adjusts his glasses over his left eye] so that whoever believed in him should have eternal life. This is the Gospel of the Lord. Congregants: Praise to you, Lord Jesus Christ. [all sit] Fr. Maxi: [begins his sermon] Today's gospel talks about what the Lord has to give us. He did so because we could not control our temptations. Randy: Kind of like a priest in a room full of naked boys. [snorts and other people start laughing] Fr. Maxi: Uh Okay, okay, let's, let's try and have none of that today. In John 3:16, the Gospel tells us how God so loved the world he gave to us his only Son Stephen: And a Catholic priest raped him. [all laugh] Fr. Maxi: Okay, okay, Co-come on guys, Nu-now, what greater gift could the Lord has given to us? Woman: Children's underwear which priests couldn't pull down so easily? [all laugh] Fr. Maxi: Okay, let's, let's try to compose ourselves. Let's try and just get through this first one, okay guys? What does it mean that the Lord gave us his only begotten Son? Townsman 1: It means that if you're a cute boy at a Catholic priest's swimming party you'd better be gettin'! [The congregants laugh. Randy gets carried and falls on the aisle laughing and pounding his fists on the floor.] Scene Description: The Church. Mass ends and the congregant's exit. Randy: Oh, that was a great one, Nelson. Salvation in a little boy's mouth. I'm gonna post that one for sure. Woman 2: Who said the thing about naked boy salad? Stephen: Oh that was Linda! Jimbo: Well, see ya next week, everybody! [waves and moves off to his left] Others: Yeah, see ya! See ya! Bye. Scene Description: The Marsh car, on the way home Stan: I really don't understand the point of all that. Randy: [chuckles] Yeah, well, I used to think that about church when I was a kid too. Stan: But back then I don't know if church was that stupid. Randy: Hey, don't say things like that, Stan! You wanna go to fuckin' Hell? Scene Description: The Church, sometime later. Father Maxi is blowing out the candles, looking sad. Butters enters quietly through the back. Maxi walks to the front pew and sits down, then sighs. Butters walks up to him Butters: Father, can I talk to you? Fr. Maxi: Oh, of course, my child. What's troubling you? Butters: Well, what's troubling you? [sits down next to Maxi] You know, at school the kids used to all make fun of me sometimes. One kid would say something mean, a-and then the other kids would laugh. I know how lousy it feels. I learned to just walk away, not give 'em all the satisfaction. Fr. Maxi: Well, we can't all walk away. The-the priesthood is all I know. I, I dedicated my entire life to it. Ah I don't know anything else. Butters: I know it seems impossible. I thought I'd be a punching bag my whole life, but now, I'm one of the popular kids. I even get invited to board game night at Stan's house. My point is, sometimes, y-you just gotta put yourself out there. Scene Description: The Marsh house, night. The four boys are seated at a table eating pepperoni pizza and drinking sodas. They're playing a board game called Western Legends. Cartman is wearing a straw hat for the occasion. There's the fifth card and chair waiting for someone to fill it Cartman: I wanna be Calamity Jane this time. Stan: How many cards do you start with, Kenny? Kenny: (Two cards.) [the front door opens and the boys turn to see who it is] Kyle: Oh, there's Butters! Butters: [walks in] Oh hey, fellas. I hope you don't mind I brought a friend. Come on in. [steps aside for his friend to appear - it's Fr. Maxi] Fr. Maxi: Uh, hello, my children. [walks in. The boys just stare at him. Moments later he's seated with them, between Stan and Cartman, and Butters sits next to Kyle.] Stan: Okay, so I-I guess I'm gonna go to the saloon and try to arrest Cartman. Cartman: Let's see what you got, bitch. Butters: So, Kyle, did you know Father is a really good singer? You like to sing too, don't you? Kyle: No. Fr. Maxi: Praise the Lord, for the Lord is good. Sing praise to his name, for that is pleasant. Cartman: Ace. You lose. [Stan's jaw drops] Randy: [coming down from the second floor] Hey Stan, [Stan sits up] have you seen my- [sees Fr. Maxi at the table, has a stunned look, then smiles] No way! [searches his pockets for his phone] Hang on! Hang on! I gotta post this! Fr. Maxi: [quickly gets up to leave] Uh, I shouldn't be here. Randy: This is hilarious! [takes some pics] Four boys and a priest playing a board game! Butters: Aw, Father, wait a- Fr. Maxi: I should go. Randy: Nononoait, let me get the picture. [Maxi goes out the front door and disappears] Butters: Father! [follows Maxi out and closes the door] Randy: Aw shit, I missed it! Cartman: Ugh. [looks at Stan] Why did you invite Butters to game night? Stan: I didn't invite him. [Cartman looks at Kenny, who just looks back] Scene Description: On the sidewalk. Maxi looks dejected as he walks away. Butters catches up Butters: Come on, Father, you can't give up so fast. Fr. Maxi: This is just gonna make things way worse. People will rip on me. Butters: Who cares? Who cares what people say? Fr. Maxi: I do. Butters: Aw, come on, you gotta be strong! Fr. Maxi: [turns around] Why do you care?! Butters: Because I was you. Okay? I wasn't always this cool. I've been through it. But then one day, somebody told me something. He said "life is full of love and light and bountiful things," and you know who told me that? You did! Two years ago, in church! You have a right to go and be happy! And if people wanna keep tryin' to knock you down, well, fuck 'em! Scene Description: The Church, the following Sunday. The congregants gather again. In the parking lot, The Marshes see Mr. Mackey Randy: Hey, mornin' Mackey! Mr. Mackey: Well Happy Sunday! Mornin' Ted, Hazel. Ted: Mornin'. Hazel: Morning. Others: Morning. [all head to church] Randy: Ah, doin' better, huh, Josie? Josie: A lot better. Thank you. Randy: All right. [now at the church doors, tries to open then, no avail] Huh. What the? [realizes that the doors are locked] It's not open. Ryan: Let me try. [goes up and tries to open the doors] Randy: Hey! Hey, it's nine o'clock! Hey! Woman: What's going on? [the doors unlock and open, and Butters steps out] Randy: [points him out] Ohhh! [the others laugh] Butters: There's no church today! You all are just gonna have to find some'n' better to do! [slams the doors shut and locks them.] Randy: Hey... [tries to get them open again] Hey, open the door! Hey, come on! [pulls the doors harder and grunts] Scene Description: The car, on the way home. No Mass today, so that's it. Randy: Well this sucks. What are we supposed to do without church? Sharon: I just feel so empty. Shelley: What are you guys so upset about? Randy: Shut up, Shelley! Scene Description: A clearing in the woods outside of town, night. Randy and Butters are enjoying a small campfire, with marshmallows roasting on the open fire. They sit on two folding chairs Butters: Isn't this great, Father? Fresh mountain air, a nice warm fire, a nice warm fire. Fr. Maxi: I have to admit it's a pretty nice way to spend a Sunday. How many are your works, Lord? In wisdom you made them all. Butters: Yeah, the Lord is pretty cool. Fr. Maxi: He is. Because he brought me you. Scene Description: A song comes on whose only verse is "Faith In Christ." The montage that accompanies it starts with Maxi and Butters walking through the forest. Maxi points to a bird. Maxi and Butters row in a canoe. Butters and Maxi sit on a bench at Stark's pond watching the sunset. They watch a family of ducks floats by. Maxi puts his right arm around Butters, Butters puts his left hand on Maxi's lap. They go to the movies and enjoy some snacks. A couple to their left just stares at them. They're in the park on some swings when the four boys stop by and look at them, then continue walking. They're at the organ in church. Maxi plays some tunes for Butters. Maxi shows Butters some Bible verses on the computer. At the public library, Maxi holds Butters a little closer, Butters puts his left hand over his right shoulder and cups it over Maxi's right hand. A man picks out from his computer nearby and looks at them. In his bedroom, Butters shows Maxi the fun he has in playing Professor Chaos. Back in the woods, at night, Maxi shows Butters a shooting star. Still in the woods, during the day, Butters points out a cloud formation that sort of resembles a dove. Scene Description: The cathedral in Denver, day. The archbishop sits at his desk writing something down. The phone rings. He answers it. Archbishop: Denver archdiocese. The Lord be with you. Mr. Mackey: [outside the church in South Park] And with your spirit, m'kay? Uh, oh my name is Counselor Mackey, and w-uh we seem to be havin' a little problem with our local church here in South Park. Our uh... our priest has gone missing. Archbishop: [mutes the phone and whispers] Oh, not another one! [unmutes the phone] All right, listen to me carefully. Your local priest has not done anything wrong. He's probably just taking some time off. Why is that suspicious? Mr. Mackey: Well, it's not suspicious, we just kind of don't know what to do, you know? Uh. Archbishop: We'll take care of it. There's no need to involve the authorities. Just sit tight. [hangs up and switches to another line] Send in a clean-up crew now! [the doors quickly open and the clean-up crew appears.] We've got another one. A priest on South Park has gone rogue and is probably out doing his thing. I need you guys to get up there and clean up his mess. Auxiliary: Don't worry, Your Holiness. By the time we're done with that town there won't be a lick of cum anywhere. Scene Description: KidZone Roller Rink, day. Happy birthday, Clyde. Kids and adults skate in the center of the building while others sit outside the rink eating. At the birthday gathering, Kyle approaches Clyde and talks to him. Butters appears. Throughout the scene, "Flash Light" plays Butters: Happy birthday, Clyde! [behind him is Fr. Maxi. They both have gifts for Clyde.] Hope you don't mind I brought a friend. Fr. Maxi: For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works. Clyde: Dude, what are you talking about?! Fr. Maxi: Come on, Father. Let's go tear up the skating rink. [they drop their gifts off and head to the rink. Clyde is angered by Fr. Maxi's presence, and Kyle notices.] Kyle: Just leave it alone, Clyde. Butters brings him everywhere. Clyde: I don't care, I don't want a priest at my fucking birthday party! Cartman: [turns to calm Clyde down] It's all right, Clyde, it's all right. Scene Description: In the rink, Butters tries to get Fr. Maxi to fit in. Butters: That's it! You're doing great! Fr. Maxi: Uh-ah. Oh, Mother Mary. I feel like everyone's staring at me. [he's not wrong...] Butters: Nobody's staring. I'm gonna get us some soda pop. You just mingle with the other fellas![skates off] Scene Description: Skeeter's wine bar, day. "A Place To Fall Apart" plays and the front doors are wide open. Randy and Stuart sit at the bar. Randy drinks some wine, Stuart some beer Randy: What's it all about, huh? Are we just bags of carbon and water put on this planet for no purpose? You're born, you die, then you're just... food for the worms. Stuart: It all does seem pretty meaningless. Townsman 2: [appears in the doorway] Hey, the church is back open! There are people inside! Jimbo: What? Randy: The church is back open? Townsman 3: Oh boy! Let's go let's go let's go let's go! Others: The church is back open! Thank God! Let's go! Scene Description: The church, inside. The cleanup crew is there doing its work. Auxiliary: Scrub everything! Police can detect even a milligram of cum and rectal blood! Randy: [enters with other bar patrons] Hey! Auxiliary: Oh uh, hello my children. The Lord be with you. Townsmen: And with your spirit. Randy: What uh, what are you guys doing? Auxiliary: Oh, we're just giving the place a nice scrub down while we wait for your priest to come back. He was called to South America last week. Randy: Last week? No, he was at my house a couple of days ago playing board games with the boys. Auxiliary: [turns the vacuum cleaner off. His assistants look at Randy] No he wasn't. Look, I assure you everything is fine. Your priest will be back. Just have some patience. Townsmen: Awww. Townsman 4: Come on, guys. [the townsmen turn around and leave] Scene Description: The Marsh house. Having spoken to Randy, the cleanup crew heads to his house and scrubs it down, They're working on the table. Auxiliary: Scrub everything. Bleach those board-game pieces. You find something on that chair? Priest: It's either blood and cum, or ketchup and mayo. [the priest is scrubbing down Cartman's chair] Auxiliary: Well, just get rid of it. Bleach the entire top of the table. That's probably where he mounted them. Stan: [comes down the stairs and approaches the crew] Uh, excuse me. Auxiliary: [turns to face him] Oh. Hello, my son. Stan: What are you doing? Auxiliary: What are we doing about what? Stan: Well, I mean, it looks like you're scrubbing and bleaching our tables and chairs. Auxiliary: Mmm mmm, that's not what's going on. Your local priest was never here, actually. Stan: Yeah he was. I played with him. Auxiliary: Oh, you did! [whispers loudly to the priest behind him] Better get the Kumby. [the priest walks off] Stan: What's a Kumby? Auxiliary: We're just here to cleanse your spirit, my child. Priest: [returns with an odd tool] Praise be to Christ. [the Kumby looks like a portable wet/dry vacuum cleaner worn like a backpack. The priest uses it to wipe Stan down] Scene Description: KidZone Roller Rink, day. The kids sing "Happy Birthday" to Clyde. Clyde blows out the candles. In the background "More Bounce To The Ounce" plays Boys: Yaaay! Fr. Maxi: And now let us pray. Boys: Awww. Fr. Maxi: Bless us, O Lord, and these thy gifts. which we are about to receive. Clyde: Kyle, will you do something please?! Fr. Maxi: [quoting Psalm 78:26] He caused the east wind to blow in the heavens... Kyle: Why me? Cartman: [gritting his teeth] Kyle! Fr. Maxi: ...through Christ our Lord. Amen. Kyle: [walks up to Butters] Uh, Butters, can I talk to you really fast? Butters: Wow! Sure, Kyle. Be right back, Father. [follows Kyle away] Fr. Maxi: All right, my child. Scene Description: A snack room nearby. Kyle waits for Butters there, and Butters walks in Butters: Huh-what's up? Kyle: Butters, you know, you can just bring your priest with you everywhere. I mean, sometimes the guys just wanna do stuff and not have a priest around. Butters: What are you saying, Kyle? Kyle: I'm saying it's just kind of awkward, Butters. [Fr. Maxi goes to look for these two boys and just happens to walk by the snack room. He stops just short of the doorway and listens] He's bumming everybody out. Nobody wants to hear about Jesus at a birthday party. Butters: Well, of course, you don't. Kyle: It's not just me. It's everyone, Butters. He can try all he wants, but he just doesn't belong here. [Maxi's face drops, then he walks away quietly] Butters: Well I'm sorry for tryin' to help out somebody who didn't have anywhere else to turn. We'll both just leave. I thought you were better than that, Kyle. [walks out] Scene Description: KidZone Roller Rink, outside. A van arrives carrying the cleanup crew. The song they're listening to is "Faith In Christ," which played earlier. "It's a Love Thing" starts as the cleanup crew fans out across the rink Auxiliary: All right, clean and scrub everything. I want it spotless! Get any evidence the priest might have left behind. Assistant: There's something over here, [tastes the frosting on Clyde's slice of cake] but I can't tell if it's cum or frosting. Auxiliary: It's an 8-year-old's birthday party. Of course, it's cum. Get the Kumby! Priest: [arrives with the Kumby and wipes Clyde down] Praise be to Christ. Auxiliary: [approaches Cartman and wipes him down with a cloth. Cartman panics a bit] Hello, young man. We're looking for your town priest. Was he here? Cartman: Yeah, but he left with Butters. Auxiliary: Tell me about this Butters. Clyde: All right, that does it! [the priest is now wiping down his back] Get out of my birthday party or else I'm gonna call the police! [the priest turns the Kumby off and stands up] Scene Description: Twin Pines strip mall, day. Butters wanders the parking lot looking for Fr. Maxi. Butters: Father! Father? Has anybody seen my priest? Father, where'd you go? [Maxi is sitting by a Dumpster and raises his head when he hears Butters approaching. Butters then sees him] There you are! I've been looking everywhere. Fr. Maxi: Just leave me alone. Butters: But you're missin' the party! Fr. Maxi: Look, your friends are right, okay? I don't belong there. I, I don't belong anywhere. [gets up and walks away] Butters: [follows Maxi through the parking lot] But, they just don't understand you like I do. Fr. Maxi: Stop defending me! There are things you don't know! Butters: But it's not your fault. Fr. Maxi: Yes it is! It is my fault! Butters: Why?! Fr. Maxi: [turns around and faces Butters] Because I knew, all right?! I knew! Years ago, when bad things started coming out about the Catholic Church, I went to the Vatican and ... I found out that the problem was worse than anyone even thought. I thought I could help fix it, so, I kept my mouth shut. I thought there was cancer in the Church that we could get rid of. But the Church is cancer. It's not about a few bad apples. There are only a few good apples, and I'm clearly not one of them. So just stay away from me! Butters: But... I thought we were pals. Fr. Maxi: You thought wrong. [turns around and walks away. Butters shrinks a little in worry] Scene Description: The neighborhood, evening. Butters walks down the street with his head down. A vehicle comes up behind him - it's the cleanup crew's van. The auxiliary bishop looks out the window and gets Butters' attention Auxiliary: Hey. Hey there. What's the matter, my child? Did you know that Jesus loves you? Butters: Sometimes I wonder. Auxiliary: "And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me." [Galatians 2:20. He dangles a candy bar in front of Butters.] Want a Three Musketeers? Butters: ...No thanks. Auxiliary: You like camping trips? You wanna go camping? Butters: No. Auxiliary: I got a bunny in the back. You wanna see the bunny? Butters: [perks up] Well, okay! [the bishop takes him to the back and opens the doors. Butters frowns] Stan? Stan: I have no idea what's going on. Clyde: Worst birthday ever! [the priests toss Butters in to join Stan and Clyde, then slam the doors shut] Scene Description: The Marsh house. Randy watches TV, but doesn't see anything he likes. Randy: Boring [click] Dumb. [click] Stupid. [click] Good, but dated in its view of gender norms. [The doorbell rings and he slumps a bit] Wugh. [gets up and answers it. Fr. Maxi is at the door] Fr. Maxi: Hello, Mr. Marsh. Randy: Father! [turns around, dancing] Hey, hey Sharon, it's Father! Fr. Maxi: M, Mr. Marsh- Randy: He's back! Fr. Maxi: -please. Randy: Hey, Father's back! Fr. Maxi: I'm just going around trying to locate little Butters Stotch. I thought he might be here playing a board game with your son? Randy: Oh uh, no. I haven't seen, Butters. Or Stan. But Father, please, we all need church. Fr. Maxi: I'm sorry, but I have to keep looking. [turns around and leaves] I said some terrible things. Randy: Please, Father, we're all lost, and the cleanup crew hasn't helped at all. Fr. Maxi: [stops and turns around] What cleanup crew? Scene Description: The forest, night. Stan, Clyde, and Butters have been stripped and tied up, but have enough freedom to roast marshmallows. Wolves and owls are heard. The priests hide behind a bush nearby Auxiliary: Any sign of him? Assistant: No, but this should draw him out. The cute one says it's where he and the priest first got together. Auxiliary: All right, when the priest gets here, we'll take care of him and then eradicate this place of any evidence. Priest: Should I bring out the Kumby? Auxiliary: No, this is gonna be a bigger job than that. Bring out... the Kumboni. [moments later, the priest drives up in a Kumboni] Scene Description: The Stotch house, day. Stephen and Linda are sitting on the sofa watching TV. The phone rings and Stephen answers it. Stephen: Hey Randy, what's up? Randy: [driving] Stephen! Stephen, listen! The boys are missing! Fr. Maxi thinks they've been taken by the other priests! Stephen: [jumps up from the sofa and walks away from it] Taken by priests?? Should we call the police or buy some condoms? [smiles] Randy: [laughs] Okay. Okay-okay, that was good. [mood change] But seriously, we have to find these guys! The boys are in danger! Stephen: But where would priests go this late at night? Linda: To a midnight sale at Boys 'R' Us? Randy: What-what'd she say? Stephen: She said, "To a midnight sale at Boys 'R' Us." Randy: Can, can I post that? Stephen: Sure, she doesn't care. Fr. Maxi: [grabs the phone from Randy] Give me that! Mr. Stotch, have you heard from Butters at all?! Stephen: Well yeah, we got a really weird text from him saying not to worry, he needed to do some camping. Fr. Maxi: [puts down the phone] Oh my Lord. I know where to go. And when we get there... I'll need to go in alone. Randy: Yeah I'll bet. [snickers] Scene Description: The forest clearing. The assistant looks around Assistant: He's not showing up. Auxiliary: Try the priest call. [the assistant pulls out a calling device similar to a duck call and blows into it] Kid's voice: I love Jeeesus! I love Jeeesus! Assistant: [turns around] I don't think he's coming. Auxiliary: Oh he's coming all right. Just not here. Let's start packing up. You. [points at the priest] Get on the Kumboni and eradicate this place along with everything in it. Priest: Yes, your Holiness. Fr. Maxi: Wait! [arrives at the clearing] Butters: Father. Fr. Maxi: You wanted to find me? Well, here I am. I know why you're here. The Church can't have... someone like me going around making it look bad. So go ahead. [turns away] Do it. Just get it over with. Butters: What?? No! Auxiliary: You think we searched all over town and set up this trap to kill you? We're Catholics! We're here to give you what you deserve! A full transfer to the beautiful Maldive Islands. Luxury airfare and beach house included! [theh other two priests applaued] Fr. Maxi: A transfer? Auxiliary: The Church took care of everything, just like it always has from the beginning. "Thank you for cleaning up all my cum." Fr. Maxi: I can just... go? I can start over in the Maldives? Auxiliary: No one will make fun of you there. They can't even speak English. And don't worry, there'll be plenty of priests to take your place here. Look, I know it's a big change, but... you know what you have to do. Fr. Maxi: Yes, I do. I don't think I have any other choice. Butters: No. He can't. Auxiliary: Well, our work here is done! Praise be to Christ, guys. It certainly was a tough one, but I think we got everything cleaned up and- [the Kumboni starts up and smashes through some trees. Fr. Maxi is driving it right at the priests.] Aaaaugh! Assistant: The Kumboni! Aaah! [Maxi mows him down and kills him] Aaaaagh! Aah! Priest: Aaaaugh! Aaaaugh! [Maxi mows him down and kills him] Auxiliary: [Maxi is hot on his trail] No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. [Maxi mows him down, killing him. Moments later, Maxi stops the engine and walks up to the boys] Butters: Father, you did it! Fr. Maxi: I'm so sorry, my child. I never meant to say we weren't pals. Butters: Does that mean you're gonna stay? Fr. Maxi: Of course. Now I have purpose, and I have meaning. My job here is to protect you. All of you. Scene Description: The church, Sunday morning. The doors open and Fr. Maxi is back in his robes looking at the congregants Fr. Maxi: The Lord be with you. Congregants: And with your spirit. [they go in] Scene Description: After the Gospel, Fr. Maxi launches into his sermon Fr. Maxi: Today I'd like to talk on the subject of penance. The penitent... have deep remorse, but for true penance, we must be humble enough to admit that the Lord's forgiveness is undeserved. Randy: Kind of like how getting raped by a Catholic priest is undeserved. [all laugh] Fr. Maxi: In Job 42:6 we read "Therefore, I reprehend myself and do penance in dust and ashes" Townsman 1: And in choir boys' butts and asses. [all laugh] Fr. Maxi: So we are not to punish ourselves, but instead, we are to make ourselves passionate. Townsman 5: Like a Catholic priest at a Chuck E. Cheese. [all laugh] Randy: Oh God, it's good to have my faith back! Fr. Maxi: Passionate to understand all that Christ sacrificed, and how hard it truly was. Woman 4: How hard what truly was? [all laugh] Scene Description: #cancelsouthpark

Scene Description: South Park, day. The scene starts with South Park Elementary being shot up again, then the Community Center appears as two police cars rush by, then City Hall appears. The city council is in session, Mayor McDaniels presiding Mayor McDaniels: People, it's time we faced some hard truths. The town is looking to us for answers, and all we keep doing is burying our heads. We need to cut the budget for this year's Christmas pageant. Randy: [after a dramatic pause] My God... Mayor McDaniels: I've asked the director of the holiday show to stop by so we can all give him the news. Ryan: He's not going to take this well. Councilwoman: If he doesn't, we should just let him go. God knows it's about time. Mayor's aide: Hey, a lot of people like him, all right? Mrs. Testaburger: Yeah, and a lot of people think he stinks. Mayor McDaniels: Let's just get this over with. [presses down on the intercom key] All right, send him in. [the door opens and Mr. Hankey hops in.] Mr. Hankey: Hooooowwwdy ho! You wanted to see me? Better hurry. We only have two months before Christmas. Mayor McDaniels: Mr. Hankey, we called you in to let you know that... your Christmas Pageant funding has been cut. By half. Mr. Hankey: What? But I can barely make a good Christmas show with what I have! Mayor McDaniels: We just don't have the support for the Christmas show that we used to. The truth is... some people find you offensive. Mr. Hankey: Offensive? What about me is offensive? Councilwoman: Some people think shit isn't the best representation of Christmas. Mr. Hankey: Yuh... you people can't do this. Christmas is the most magical time of the year. Mayor McDaniels: The decision has already been made. Thank you, Mr. Hankey, and good luck with the show. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Another school shooting has occurred and the police are back to investigate. In the music room, the kids practice "Deck The Halls". The conductor taps the dais with his baton - it's Mr. Hankey. Mr. Hankey: Okay, stop. Kids, the song's called "Deck The Halls," not "Let's All Suck Balls." Mow, come on, kids. Craig: Why do we have to do this now? Cartman: Yeah, it's not even Halloween yet. Mr. Hankey: Restoration Hardware put up their Christmas decorations two weeks ago, all right? Now listen: I didn't want this either. I wanted the Denver Symphony, but they cut my budget and I'm stuck with you. Now let's take it from the top! [taps his baton] Scene Description: The hallways. PC Principal walks down the main hallway with purpose. He stops at the Vice Principal's office and turns left, steps forward, stops, sighs, then turns the doorknob and peeks in PC Principal: Vice Principal Strong Woman? Strong Woman: Yes, PC Principal? PC Principal: I was seeing if there's anything you... might want to discuss with me? Strong Woman: What would we need to discuss?! PC Principal: I am- so sorry- that I took advantage of my position and- manipulated you into a physical encounter. Strong Woman: Hey! I am a strong woman, all right?! I don't get manipulated! We both are guilty of an ill-advised relationship at the workplace, but that was long ago, and I have decided to move forward. PC Principal: Are you sure we can move forward? Strong Woman: Why not? We make a mistake, we move forward. PC Principal: I was just thinking there might still possibly be some fallout from- Strong Woman: Nope! We're just gonna forget about it and put it to rest. PC Principal: You don't think there's anything else to dis- to discuss? Strong Woman: No, I don't! Bye-bye. [PC Principal backs out and closes the door. Strong Woman lets out a sigh of relief, then stands and goes to a mirror, which reveals tears in her eyes and a big belly. She's pregnant.] Scene Description: Kyle's house, day. Stan, Kenny, and Cartman are pounding on the front door. Kyle answers it but doesn't invite them in. Stan: Dude, Kyle! Dude! Cartman: Dude! Kyle: What? Stan: Did you read what Mr. Hankey tweeted last night?! Kyle: What Mr. Hankey... tweeted? Stan: Yeah. I guess after band rehearsals he went on Twitter to talk about us. Cartman: Look! [Cartman takes out his phone and hands it to Kyle so Kyle can see for hiimself] Kyle: Oh. Jesus Christ, dude. Scene Description: Mr. Hankey's room. He's at a sewing machine making a Santa outfit. Mr. Hankey: Santa Claus is on his way. He's loaded goodies on his sleigh. He'll drop them off on Christmas Day Kyle: Mr. Hankey. Mr. Hankey: Oh, Kyle! Hoowwwwdy ho! Kyle: Mr. Hankey, everyone's really mad at you. Were you on Twitter last night? Mr. Hankey: [slowly] Yeah. Kyle: Did you tweet "The kids of South Park are retarded homos who can't play music"? Mr. Hankey: [more slowly] Yeah. Kyle: Why would you tweet that?! All the kids are really pissed off! Mr. Hankey: It was a bad attempt at a joke. I'm sorry. Will you tell the kids I didn't mean it? Kyle: What do you want me to say? Mr. Hankey: The fact is, I couldn't sleep last night so I took some Ambien. Do you take that stuff? It turns your brain into oatmeal. Please, Kyle, tell the kids I didn't mean any harm. We've gotta focus on Christmas! [Kyle just looks at him] Scene Description: The school gymnasium, day. PC Principal and Strong Woman stand on the basketball court facing the student assembly. PC Principal: All right, everyone, listen up. The vice principal has asked to speak with you today. She believes it is time that we all as a school finally discussed in-vitro fertilization. Strong Woman: That's right, kids. Many women today make the choice to have children without a man in their lives. They can have their eggs fertilized by an unknown person's sperm in a lab. PC Principal: That's right, Strong Woman. In today's society it is wrong to just assume that a pregnant woman had intercourse with a man. Strong Woman: [doubles over in pain] Ooohhhhhhh! PC Principal: St-students at this school need to be careful because it can be offensive to ask questions like "Who's the father?" Strong Woman: [doubles over in pain] Oh! Ooohhhhhhh! PC Principal: [looks at Strong Woman, then softly] You- you all right, Strong Woman? Strong Woman: I'm fine! PC Principal: So-so we'd like to have all our students talk to their parents tonight about in-vitro fertilization, and after that, let's just put the whole issue behind us. [Strong Woman stands up and fluid drops to the floor from her belly. Several seconds of stunned silence follows] Strong Woman: That's my water breaking. Not a big deal. [more fluid gushes out] Scene Description: The town square. Mr. Hankey gets the Christmas stage ready Mr. Hankey: Christmas time. It's Christmas time. Christmas time. Yeah, it's Christmas time . Mayor McDaniels: [appears to his right with a crowd of citizens] Hankey! [he looks up and notices the crowd] We need to talk about what you tweeted! Mr. Hankey: Oh, I'm sooo sorry. I took Ambien two nights ago and I called the schoolkids homos. Mayor McDaniels: No, I'm talking about what you tweeted last night! [takes her phone out and reads] "The city council members are a bunch of pussy-licking Islamists." Mr. Hankey: Oh-oh Jeez, did I say that? Listen, if you're tired and you can't sleep, DO NOT take Ambien. Okay? Whew! Mayor McDaniels: I'm afraid we have no option but to fire you as executive planning manager of the city council. Mr. Hankey: Fire me? Nonono, please. I-I'm really sorry. [the crowd turns and leaves] No, no wait! Wait, please give me another chance! Don't do this! What about Christmas? [croops in defeat] Scene Description: South Park, day. A large sign announcing Mr. Hankey's Holiday Pageant greats the visitor upon arriving in town. A car speeds out of town PC Principal: [in the passenger seat] It's okay. We'll be at the hospital soon. Just keep breathing. Strong Woman: [driving, despite her condition] I didn't need your help! PC Principal: I'm just a co-worker helping another co-worker in need. Strong Woman: Yeah, well, people might get the wrong idea! I have worked my whole life to be the strongest woman possible, a person little girls could look up to. If those girls thought I was the type to get knocked up by my boss- PC Principal: I certainly do not want to put an pressures on you as a female, but at times I wonder if there is more we should discuss. Strong Woman: There's nothing to discuss! I made a mistake and I am MOVING FORWARD! Scene Description: The law offices of Mayer, Schulz, and Tate, day. Mr. Hankey: My civil rights are under attack. They can't just fire me from the Christmas show! The whole thing is my creation! Male Lawyer: Uh, last night you tweeted "The city council can suck my Mexican dick." Mr. Hankey: It was a joke. Look at me! I don't even have a dick! Get it? [no reaction from the lawyers] Okay, okay, look, I know: it wasn't a good joke. But it really wasn't my fault. The fact is, I went home last night and I was angry. I couldn't sleep, so I took some Ambien. And then I started tweeting. Ambien messes with my head. You ever take that crap? Female lawyer: You want us to take this up against Ambien? They have the best lawyers in the world. Mr. Hankey: Well, I thought maybe I could get them in a defecation lawsuit. [he is quickly kicked out] Rrrgh! Scene Description: J. Prewitt law office, later. Mr. Hankey is seated at the lawyer's desk and speaks to him Mr. Hankey: And I never ever would have said those things about the city council, but the Ambien makes me kind of blackout. Mr. Prewitt: I'm sorry, sir, but we don't represent pieces of shit. Mr. Hankey: Why not? [he is quickly kicked out] Rrrgh! Scene Description: Gerald's law office, later. He's talking to Gerald about suing Ambien Mr. Hankey: And I just thought maybe we could convince the city council to hire me back. Gerald: Look, I'm sorry, but I learned a long time ago that if you defend poop, you get stained. [he is quickly kicked out. This time he just sits on the step and mopes] Kyle: Mr. Hankey? Mr. Hankey: Oh, Kyle. [sadly] Howwwdy ho. Kyle: What are you doing here? Mr. Hankey: Just tryin' to find some help. There isn't a lawyer in town who will take me. Wait a minute... You! You're the son of a lawyer. You have lawyer blood inside your veins! You can help me with my defecation lawsuit, Kyle! Kyle: Me? What can I do? Mr. Hankey: Please, Kyle. You're the only person left who can help me. You and me, pal, we are gonna fight the system! Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Strong Woman and PC Principal have arrived at the hospital Voice-over: Paging Dr. Bender. Dr. Bender: Your vice principal gave birth to all five babies with no epidural. I must say, she's a very strong woman. PC Principal: That she is. Dr. Bender: The quintuplets are all healthy and resting away. [they stop by the maternity ward and look in] There are her babies, right there. PC Principal: Oh, dude. Bro. Dr. Bender: Yes, cute little buggers, aren't they? Three boys and two girls. PC Principal: I think it's wrong to force gender specification upon them at this young age. Dr. Bender: Funny. That's exactly what their mother said. [turns to face him] The quints are all Caucasian, blue-eyed, and something kind of weird. PC Principal: What's that? Dr. Bender: Well, the babies are all extremely PC, the likes of which I have never seen. Watch this. [walks to the intercom and presses the mic] Three black guys walk into a bar. [the newborns immediately start crying.] It's okay! It's okay! They left! They left! [the babies stop crying] PC Principal: Doctor, would it be possible for me to... hold the PC babies? Dr. Bender: Oh I'm sorry. That's only for the mother and father. Though, according tot he vice principal, the father doesn't even exist. [PC Principal wilts] Scene Description: The neighborhood playground, day. The boys are shooting hoops without Kyle. Cartman shoots, but it's an air ball Kyle: [runs up] You guys! Hey guys! I think I figured it out. Kenny: (What?) Kyle: How to get Mr. Hankey another chance. [no reaction from the boys] There's by-laws in the city council that community service leaders can't be terminated without a hearing. I need you guys there as character witnesses. Stan: Nnnope. Cartman: Not getting that stink on me. Kyle: He has a right to be heard. He's meant a lot to this town. Stan: Dude, why do you keep defending him, Kyle? Cartman: Yeah. You know everyone in town thinks he's a piece of shit. Kyle: Come on, guys. We can't just turn our backs. How many times has Mr. Hankey been there for us? Stan: Mmmm. Once, kind of? Kyle: Look, he messed up, but I don't know if he deserves everything that's coming down on him. I wanna stand by my friend. Cartman: Mm, let's see how that goes for you in 2018. [the boys turn away and resume playing] Scene Description: Strong Woman's recovery room, later. PC Principal peeks inside, then goes in and closes the door and walks up to her bed PC Principal: Vice Principal? Strong Woman: My babies! Where are they? PC Principal: Shh it's okay. The babies are fine, resting in the nursery. They're the most... [voice cracking] they're the most PC babies I've ever seen. Strong Woman: You shouldn't be here! People will start getting suspicious! PC Principal: Look I was the one who abused my position and took advantage of a subordinate- Strong Woman: Nobody took advantage of me! PC Principal: N-Not took advantage. You know what I'm saying. Strong Woman: And I'm a strong woman! PC Principal: All I want to do is help. We can say I'm the manny. And if anyone has a problem with that, then they have a problem with gender biases, and they can take it up with me! We can keep the truth about the babies totally hidden. [the door opens and three nurses walk in holding the babies. The parents notice this] Strong Woman: Oh yes, that curriculum should be fine for the students. I'll start working on an all-school proposal. PC Principal: Oh yes, very good, Vice Principal. See that it is done by back to school night. Female Nurse: A-hall right, Mommy! Your little bundles of joy are here. Oh! And who's this? PC Principal: I am the manny. Anyone have a problem with that? Female Nurse: No, not at all. Male Nurse: Everything good here? [the babies start crying. He looks around, then at his shirt, which has an image of Speedy Gonzales on it.] Aw! Are these PC babies? Scene Description: Park County Courthouse, day. The Mr. Hankey Hearing is being televised. Voice-over: And now, live from the town courthouse, it's the Hankey Hearing on South Park 13. [inside, Kyle gets his papers ready as the courtroom audience takes its seats] Mr. Waithouse: Mr. Hankey- [Mr. Hankey sniffles] Fourteen hours ago did you or did you not say "everyone in South Park is a Goddamend douchebag"? Mr. Hankey: Y-es. That was a bad attempt at a Christmas joke. Mr. Waithouse: But there's nothing in that statement about Christmas. Mr. Hankey: That's what I said: it was a bad attempt. Mr. Waithouse: What part of the statement was actually- Mr. Hankey: You wanna hear a good Christmas joke? Mr. Waithouse: In 2005 you said- [Mr. Hankey sniffles] You said that you had no recollection of a- [Mr. Hankey sniffles] Mr. Hankey: Sorry, I got the sniffles. Mr. Waithouse: Mr Hankey, do you understand how important these statements are to the citizens of this town? Mr. Hankey: All I understand is it's only eight weeks until Christmas! If we don't stop wasting our time, we're all gonna miss out on the most magical part of the whole year! Mr. Waithouse: What did you mean last night when you tweeted, "The Mayor of South Park is a titless whore"? [Kyle's jaw drops and his head falls forward on the table] Mr. Hankey: Oh, come on! It was a joke! That's it! That's it, I've had enough of this whole fucking sham! Fuck all you and fuck this whole system! It's Christmastime!! [leaves his chair] Scene Description: Food 4 Little, day. Strong Woman is out of the hospital and shopping with three of the quints Strong Woman: It's okay. Shhh. We just need to get some diapers. Shhh. Elderly Woman: [passing by] Ohhh, what adorable little babies. Strong Woman: Thank you. Elderly Woman: [getting a closer look] My, they look very PC. Strong Woman: Oh no, no, they're not very PC at all. Man with Orange Shirt: Awww, look at the PC babies! Strong Woman: They actually aren't PC. Man with Orange Shirt: No? [bends down and tells the babies] Did you hear Monica Lewinsky's becoming Republican? The Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth. [the babies cry, the adults laugh] Strong Woman: Oh God, shhhh, nonononono. Sheee. PC Principal: [arrives with the other two infants] Is everything all right? Man with Orange Shirt: Oh Look! More PC babies! Woman 1: They're everywhere! Strong Woman: I told you we need to shop separately! Sh! Shhh! Man 2: [stops by] Excuse me, where's the Oriental food aisle? [the babies cry harder] Man with Orange Shirt: Shhh! Quiet! There's PC babies! Scene Description: Denny's, day. Kyle is at a booth with Mr. Hankey. Mr. Hankey: Gee whiz. Thanks for comin' out with me, Kyle. [a waiter walks by behind them and stares at Mr. Hankey] These days, it's like you're my only friend. [Kyle looks up and notices some boys looking at him. Next shot shows Clyde, Craig, Tweek, and Token at a window booth looking back at Kyle and Mr. Hankey. Kyle looks dismayed] So what's the plan, huh? What you got figured out to get my job back? Kyle: I had a plan. You decided to call the Mayor a titless whore! Mr. Hankey: [laughs it off] Oh, it was a joke, Kyle. Sometimes, when I take Ambien, I'm really groggy and moody the next day. It's a real side effect. It's printed right on the bottle. Kyle: [growls] I don't know how much longer I can defend you. People are starting to think I'm shitty. Mr. Hankey: Kyle, don't you understand this whole thing is a smear campaign? Why are people focusing on a few stupid words I said when Christmas is just around the corner?! It's like everyone's forgot about what Christmas means! [brightens up and gasps] Oh my God! Kyle, that's it! The holiday spirit! Kyle: It's October! Mr. Hankey: And that's the point! Don't you see? What we need to do is get everyone in the Christmas mood! We can bring the whole spirit of the holidays early! Kyle: [looks away] Okay, you do that. Mr. Hankey: Nonono. Kyle, you gotta help me! I can't do this alone! Kyle: I have homework and stuff! Mr. Hankey: You're all I have! Even my wife left with the Nuggets 'cause of all the pressure! Please! Kyle: Okay, fine! I'll help you. But listen to me: I don't care how restless you get tonight, NO AMBIEN! Mr. Hankey: Well, maybe just a little if I really can't sleep. Kyle: No! None! If you want my help this time, you aren't taking any Ambien tonight. That's the deal! Mr. Hankey: Yay! It's a deal! Oh boy, Kyle, I'm so excited! We're gonna bring the spirit of Christmas to South Park! Scene Description: The neighborhood park, day. PC Principal and Strong Woman take the quints out for a stroll Jogger: Oho, look at the little PC babies! PC Principal: Oh, no, we're from uh, Missouri. Jogger: I know a PC baby when I see one! [to the babies, cooing] Who loves social justice? Who's the future? Who's the big bad future? Yes they are. [one of the quints giggles] Woman 2: Ohh, PC babies! PC Principal: All right, please move along, folks. We don't want the babies to get excited. [a synthesizer begins to play, and everyone within earshot of it stops to listen] Mr. Hankey: Helloooo South Park! Come on, everybody! Get over here! [Craig, Clyde, Tweek, and Token exit the Halloween Outlet store with their cosumes] Who wants to see a miracle?! Howwwdy ho, everyone! Guess what time it is? It's Christmastime! [fireworks go off as citizens gather at the town square] All: Oohhhhh! Mr. Hankey: Deck the halls and trim the trees, Christmas time is here. Gonna sing and flush our worries away. It's the best time of the year That's right, everybody! Who loves the holidays? [all cheer] Just like when Christ was born, let's all be with our mothers and fathers and- [the PC babies begin to cry] Let's not forget that, that boys and girls all over the world are Man 3: Hey! Hey, careful! You're upsetting the PC babies! Mr. Hankey: The PC what-Listen! Christmas season means peace on earth and good will towards men! [the crying continues] All right, all right look, what, what is the holiday season about? It's about loving each other, right? Loving and- [getting exasperated] What?! What are they crying about now?! Man 4: Sometimes PC babies don't even know what they're crying about. Mr. Hankey: Well, then tell the babies to shut the fuck up! [the crowd turns on him] Who the fuck brings a Goddamned baby to a Christmas show, anyway?! Kyle: [leaps away from the keyboard and grabs Mr. Hankey] Mr. Hankey, stop! Mr. Hankey: Lemme go, Kyle! These people are idiots! [proceeds to beat up Kyle and wreck the stage. The crowd disperses] Scene Description: Downtown South Park. Kyle walks down the street battered from the beatdown Mr. Hankey gave him Girl: Mommy, something stinks. [they stop to look at Kyle] Mother: Yeah, like shit. [takes her daughter's hand and moves on. A shopkeeper shuts his door as Kyle walks by] Man 5: [drives by and honks] You stand up for all pieces of crap?! Asshole! Scene Description: The neighborhood park, moments later. Kyle walks by with his head down. His friends stop playing to look at him. He looks back Cartman: Uh huh! 2018. [they turn and walk away as Kyle moves on. Further on, he sees Mr. Hankey and stops] Mr. Hankey: Kyle, listen. It was 3 a.m. last night and I still hadn't slept, so I de- [Kyle ignores him and walks on] Kyle? Kyle, please! They're gonna run me out of town, Kyle! They're going to erase me and everything I ever did. Kyle: [turns around] You want them to erase me, too? Mr. Hankey: Kyle, we can all be shitty sometimes. Kyle: Uh... [sighs a few times, then turns away with nothing to say and walks off] Scene Description: Strong Woman's office, night. The babies are put to sleep PC Principal: They're so strong, like their mother. Strong Woman: They're so PC, like... whoever their father is. [PC looks at her] We'll never keep them quiet. Our only hope is to keep them hidden. [closes the office door] PC Principal: Can they ever know that I'm their dad? Strong Woman: We did the most un-PC thing imaginable. Think about what that would do to them. We can never let them know the debaucherous, sickening circumstances that brought them into this world. PC Principal: Then I'll just try to be the best principal to them that I possibly can. Strong Woman: And I'll be their strongest vice principal, and hopefully... the world will calm down and not do anything to upset them. Scene Description: South Park news. Newscaster: Today... South Park says goodbye to Mr. Hankey. The longtime union of this town and the holiday figure... is over for good. We should all feel pretty great about ourselves, give ourselves a little, nice pat on the back, as we, as a society, continue to try and sweep away all the poop. [next scene is Mr. Hankey walking out of town as the residents look on] Mr. Hankey: Well, everyone, I guess this is goodbye. It sure has been swell. Mayor McDaniels: No goodbyes, Mr. Hankey. You just need to go. We already called you a Poober. Mr. Hankey: A Poober? They have that? [A Lyft car honks and pulls up] Oh, you mean Lyft. Well, okay. Goodbye, everyone. I hope I brought a few smiles and a few laughs into your hearts. Mayor McDaniels: [opens the back door for him, then firmly] Goodbye, Mr. Hankey. [he hops in and she closes the door. The car pulls away and Mr. Hankey looks out the window and sees the town for one last time with a sad look on his face] Stan: Where will he go? Randy: He'll have to find a place that accepts racist, awful beings like him. There are still places out there who don't care about bigotry and hate. Scene Description: Springfield, day. Mr. Hankey hops into the town square, which is filled with Springfield residents, including the Simpsons Mr. Hankey: Hoowwwwdy ho! Bart: Cool man, talking crap. Apu: Welcome, my friend. Please, rest your weary feet and make yourself at home here. All: Hooray! Scene Description: #cancelthesimpsons

Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Another day, another shooting. Mr. Mackey sits in his office talking to the Marshes. Shelly has her arms crossed and looks away. Mr. Mackey: Allright, thanks for comin' in today to discuss your daughter's behavior, m'kay? Randy: Exactly what kind of trouble is Shelly in, Mr. Mackey? Mr. Mackey: Well, unfortunately, we found out our playground monitor has been accepting favors to look the other way at recess, and uh, your daughter sent him an inappropriate picture. Of her butthole. M'kay? Randy: Her butthole?? [to Shelly] Shelly! [back to Mackey] Why would the recess monitor want a picture of my daughter's butthole?! Mr. Mackey: We've been havin' a lot of issues at the school with kids vaping lately and, uh, they bribe the recess monitor however they can. Randy: Jesus Christ, how much worse can things get around here?! Mr. Mackey: Uhkay, let- uh, the, there is good news, m'kay? We had the picture analyzed and it turns out it was actually just a picture of a dog's butthole, m'kay [holds up a real-life picture of a dog's butthole], that your daughter claimed was hers. M'kay, there it is, a little fur right there. [smiles] Scene Description: The ride home. Randy is at the wheel. Nelson is in the car behind him, and there's a third car behind them. Randy: Seriously?! Dog's butthole?! That's what we're doin' now, huh?! There's not enough bad things in the world, we get called into school, "Here's a dog's butthole for ya." That's what it's all come to, Shelly?! [they stop at a red light] I'm over it, Sharon. [a long guitar intro begins to play] I am seriously over it. Don't you just wanna start over? Go back to simpler times? Sharon: What do you mean? Randy: I've had it. School shootings, pieces of shit taking Ambien and tweeting, priests raping kids, and somehow... I'm not laughing anymore. Let's do it, Sharon. What I've always talked about. Let's get out of here. Go buy a farm and live off the land. Sharon: Are you being serious? Randy: Never been more serious. Nelson: [honks his horn] Hey, the light's green! Randy: [looks out the window] Shut up, Nelson! [turns to Sharon] Let's move out to the country. Go back to simple living when things mattered, like hard work and 'tegridy. Sharon: How will we make a living? Randy: By growing things and, and selling what we make with our hands. We can do this, Sharon. It's time. Scene Description: As the following song plays, the following occurs onscreen: Randy sells the house and the family drives away. The family arrives at its new farm. The camera pans to show the countryside. Randy starts harvesting the hemp that's already there. Next, he sifts out the hemp from the leaves, then he's printing out "100% Hemp" shirts, then showing the hemp to his family. Next, he's harvesting more hemp, watering the crop, and getting hemp milk out of some hemp. He makes some hemp cookies for the family. Later he's drying stalks of marijuana plants in the barn. Next, he seeds the field with marijuana seeds, then growing some hemp in a greenhouse. Later, he spritzes water on some leaves, then he writes up a list of nouns and adjectives on a chalkboard outside. Next, the camera pans to the left showing some farm names: Golden Mary's Kush Farm, John & Judy Cannabis Acres, High Valley Marijuana Farms (Organic), and then Randy's farm, Tegrity Farms Randy: [slow start] This ol' world is getting to me. There's just no trust, no 'tegridy. So I loaded up the kids, took my wife by the arm, [switches to fast tempo with a band joining in] and I moved on out to a Colorado farm. Now it's early to bed, early to rise. The crops are plowed and it's no surprise City folks are fightin' and I don't give a darn (darn, darn) 'Cause I make my livin' on a Colorado farm. I gotta drive the tractor, gotta cut the grass Chut-chut goes the baler like it's never gonna last There's food in the kitchen and there's bud in the barn. (barn, barn) That's life livin' on a Colorado farm. Ice-cold beer, pickup truck. Country music, listin' shit. We got tegridy to keep us warm. That's what you get on a Colorado farm. And I'm gonna stay on a Colorado farm.</i.> Shiiit. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The four boys walk down the hallway Kyle: [to Stan] So just like that? Your parents sold your house and everything? Stan: Yeah, it takes me like an hour to get to school now. It sucks. All because Shelley bribed the playground monitor to let her vape during recess. Kyle: Why would your sister wanna get addicted to those things? Cartman: Well, your little brother does it too, Kyle. Kyle: What are you talking about? Cartman: You didn't know? The Kindergartners are like the biggest vapers at this school. Scene Description: The sandlot, day. The kindergartners have their own little piece of heaven on the school playground. Five of them are in there, two of them on the sand, three others seated on a bench on the edge of the sandlot. Ike sits between the other two and blows some smoke. He then tries to hide the vaping pen when Kyle calls out to him. Boy: [with bulldozer] Vroom, vroom. I am a truck! Jenny: [with an action figure and a sand castle] Watch out for the monster. Kyle: Ike! Ike, do you have a vaping pen?! Ike: [trying to hold in the smoke] Nope. [accidentally blows some more smoke] Kyle: Dude! Gimme that! [takes it from Ike and walks back to his group] Ike: Hey, gimme back my vaporizer! [gets up and stands between Jenny and the other boy] Kyle: What is this? [reads the label] Cherry-flavored nicotine. [turns around] Are you joking?! Ike: Oh, come on! All the kids are doing it. Jenny: [whips out her vaporizer] Yeah, I like lemon flavor. Boy: [whips out his vaporizer] I like raspberry. Kyle: Why do you want nicotine?! Jenny: Do you know how hard it is being a kindergartner? We need a break sometimes. Kyle: These things are bad for you! Do you understand?! Bad kindergartners! Quaid: [approaches Kyle as Ike steps aside] Relax, bitch. [inhales his vaping pen] Try some gummy bear surprise. [blows some of it in Kyle's face, making Kyle cough] Stan: [takes the vaporizer from Kyle] All right, where'd you guys get these?! Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. Randy is on his tractor growing through his crop. He stops and removes his hat for a moment to wipe the sweat off his forehead. He takes a swig of his Tegridy Farms hemp milk, then notices a neighboring farmer Randy: Mornin' Joe? How's the farmin'? Joe: Doin' good, neighbor! Just planted some Purple Skunky Kush. Harvested the Super Hindu Haze last week. Randy: Well that's fine, Joe, just fine. I'm growin' some Green Willy Stranger myself. And the Catatonic Tegridy Bud is takin' well. [turns the engine back on] Joe: Well, see ya 'round, neighbor! Randy: So long, Joe! [he moves the tractor forward and then turns to the left] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, recess. An overhead view of the entire school is shown as the bell rings and the kids enjoy their free time. Next, the boys walk through the playground in search of someone. Stan: Kindergartners said it's some big kid in a trench coat. [notices a kid on a snow drift] Hey look! [a shot of the boy looking towards the parking lot and standing in the sun, so they can't make out who it is] Kyle: That's gotta be him. Stan: What are you gonna do? Kyle: I'm gonna tell him if he sells a vape pen to my brother again, I'm gonna kick his ass! [marches towards the boy. The other follow] HEY YOU! [the boy turns around and steps off the drift. It's...] Butters: Oh, hey fellas! Stan: [surprised] Butters? Butters: What are you guys doing? Kyle: Butters, are you selling vapes? Butters: Well, sure! Whatcha lookin' for? [opens his overcoat. Inside, there are labels and packets for grape, orange, tropical passion, chocolate, vanilla and strawberry flavors taped across his shirt and coat.] I've got strawberry, vanilla, tropical passion... Kyle: WHAT?! Butters: Tropical passion. It's like mango and kiwi. Stan: Butters, do you understand this stuff is an epidemic in our school?! Butters: Yeah, and at five bucks a pop, we're gonna be rich! Cartman: [steps forward] Butters, this is for Kyle. [punches him hard in the face] Butters: Oof. [falls to one side and his vape pens fall out of his jacket] Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, the living room. Randy puts a pot plant on a small table. Shannon is standing near the couch with her arms crossed Sharon: Randy, I think we need to have a talk. Randy: [adjusts the placement of the plant] No time to talk, the agricultural inspector's about to drop by. Once we get certified from him, we can start sellin' like a real farm. [approaches Sharon] Have patience, wife. Soon our fortunes will change. [someone knocks on the door] Oh, that must be him now! [goes to answer it] Towelie: Yes, I'm with the State testin' board? Is this uh,... [checks his notepad] Tegridy Farms? Randy: Name is right there on the sign. Come on back! Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, shed. Towelie has set up his equipment and is ready to evaluate. Randy and Shannon stand nearby and observer. Towelie: [making some minor adjustments to the machine] So with this Vestin device, I can check not only the THC levels in your product but also detect any impurities and give you a final score based on overall chemical makeup. [inhales from the machine. Readings are 43:4, 23:8. His eyes eventually become bloodshot] Yep. That's good shit. Now let me test the levels in your organic house blend. [inhales again. Readings are 59:4, 55:2. Skeptically, Sharon folds her arms] Yep. That's good shit. [exhales and writes on his notepad. Shannon walks away unimpressed.] Randy: Now, what about the Tegridy Jungle Bud? Towelie: Let's test it out. [samples it, breathing deeply. Readings are 42:0, 76:2] Whoa. Randy: Yeah? Towelie: Whoa. Randy: Yeeahh?! Towelie: I don't know what Tegridy is, but... that is some good shit! Randy: [jumps up in excitement] All right! Scene Description: South Park elementary, boys room. Cartman is in the stall taking a crap. He's typing something into his phone while singing the Subway $5 Footlong jingle. Cartman: Five, $5, $5 footlong. Scene Description: Eric stops sining, as the sound of the boys room door is slammed open. Suddenly, the stall door is kicked open by an angry Butters, who now has a black eye. Cartman: [surprised] Butters! Butters: [yelling] Why'd you punch me, Eric?! Cartman: I had to! Butters: I thought we were partners! Cartman: Butters, next time when Kyle walks up to you and says "Are you selling vape stuff," you say "No, I am not, Kyle." Butters: You punched me in the face! Cartman: Butters. we have to be extra-cautious right now, or else we're - hang on, hang on - [strains to poop] Hang on. Hang on. [a nugget manages to drop] Ahhh! [gets off the seat] Okay, we have to be extra-cautious, Butters. The whole operation is in a period of transition. [pulls his pants up and flushes the toilet.] Butters: Well what's that supposed to mean?! Cartman: [exits the stall] In case you haven't noticed, we're falling behind. We haven't sold enough product to pay off our overhead. The people I bought from are on my ass! Everything costs money, Butters. The pens, the juice, even that jacket I got you. [as they walk to the restroom door, they pass by Kyle and don't notice he's there by the sink] We can't start getting sloppy now. Do you understand? Butters: Well, I don't know how this means you can go and punch me in the face- Cartman: Everything will make sense, Butters. I told you. [shows him out] Just stick with the plan, okay? [closes the door. Kyle is about to come up behind him and say something, but Cartman quickly acknowledges Kyle] Did you know that vaping is way healthier than smoking cigarettes? [Kyle is left dumbfounded] Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. The family is seated at table for the meal. Randy: [serving the meal and talking with a southern accent] All right, everyone! Who's ready for some farm-to-table supper?! [gives bowls to Shelley and Stan] We've got some hemp milk here, hemp oil and vinegar bruschetta, some hemp-seed tabouli. And guess what the napkins are made from? [a car horn sounds outside] Oh, wonder who that could be? [gets up to check. The driver gets out of his car and approaches the farmhouse.] Howdy. What can I do ya for? Vape Rep: Is this Teh-gridy Farms? Randy: Yeah, name's right there on the sign. Vape Rep: Our company is interested in your product. We'd like to do some business with you. Randy: Really? Hey, that'd be great. What kind of company- [stops himself when he notices the man vaping] Vape Rep: We're one of the top vape companies in the state. We'd like to add your product to our line. Randy: [chuckles] Oh no, sorry. I don't want my Tegridy Bud put in those pussy sticks. Vape Rep: Pussy sticks? Randy: Yeah, you know. Penis pens, wussy vape, lady joints. Not on my farm, no sirree. Vape Rep: You got a problem with vaping? It's cleaner and healthier than traditional smoking! Randy: That's nice. Now how's about you take that pussy stick and get off my farm before I shove it up your ass and you're blowin' mist out your butthole? Vape Rep: All right. [leaves. Before getting in his car, turns around and says] You can be a part of progress or you can get run over by it. Randy: [drops his southern accent] Yeah, whatever. All you're doin' is blowin' smoke - Sorry, "fruity steam." Pussy. Vape Rep: What happened to your accent? Randy: Go vape some more, ya fuckin' puss! Vape Rep: [goes to the driver-side door] You'll be sorry! [gets in and backs out] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, main office. A new receptionist, Ms Blaze, is on the job and is reading Us Magazine . Kyle walks in and talks to her. Kyle: I need to speak with the principal. Ms. Blaze: Okay, what is it regarding? Kyle: I'd rather just talk to him. Ms. Blaze: Right through there. You're second in line. [Kyle walks further in and sees Butters and Cartman seated, waiting to see PC Principal as well. They are reading "General American" and "South Park Super School News" and lower their papers as Kyle approaches.] Cartman: Oh, hey Kyle. Butters: Hi, Kyle! Cartman: What are you up to? Kyle: You know what I'm up to! [walks up to the principal's door.] Cartman: [hops off the chair and stops him] Okay, cool, but come check this out. This is really cool. Kyle: Don't touch me! Cartman: Just come- no, just come see. [takes him by the hand and takes him away. Butters follows them] Kyle: Don't- touch me! Cartman: This is really cool. [the three of them leave the office and stand in the hallway] You know, Kyle, people all need a way to relax. And there's no proof that vaping is that bad for you. Kyle: You're selling it to kindergartners! Cartman: Kindergartners need a break too, Kyle! Butters: You know they took away their nap time. Kyle: You're such penises! Cartman: Would you rather the kindergartners smoke cigarettes? [Kyle folds his arms and is no longer listening.] Would you rather they drank? That's not good! [Kyle turns to go back into the office] Kyle, Kyle, Kyle! Okay, okay! [he and Butters stop Kyle and turn him around] Just please listen, all right? The truth is... we want out. Butters and I thought we could just make some easy money, but you gotta pay off the 6th graders, then you gotta pay off the recess monitor to look the other way. We're in deep, Kyle. Just let us see enough to get out of debt, and we will stop. I swear it. Kyle: You're so full of shit. Cartman: Come on, Kyle, we all make mistakes. Did you already forget last week? You know... Ronan Farrow was here asking about you. Kyle: Ronan Farrow? No he wasn't. Cartman: Yes, Kyle! He was right over there! Just please, [Kyle looks over his shoulder to where Cartman said Farrow was] give us two days to make back the money we need to get out from under this. and we will stop. You have my word. Kyle: Fine. But no more pushing it on little kids! You got that?! Cartman: Okay, I'll focus my marketing on another direction. Thank you, Kyle. [He and Butters leave, and Kyle looks over to that spot again.] Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. Randy is back on the tractor. He stops when he sees the vape rep at Joe's house across the path. The rep hands Joe a check, then turns around and takes a vape as Joe just holds the check. Randy gets off the tractor and walks over to Joe's house just as Joe and his wife are packing up to leave the area. Randy: Whatcha doin', Joe? Joe: Oh, hey Randy. We uh, we sold the farm. Randy: Just like that, huh? You gonna let those people with pussy sticks take over everythin'?! Joe: Yeah. They paid us great. My wife and I are gonna move to Maui! Randy: Oh. I hope you didn't pack your tegridy, 'cause clearly,[puts a marijuana leaf steam into his mouth] your tegridy ain't goin'. [turns and walks back to his house. He opens the door and walks inside. He notices something crumpled at a corner of the living room] Are you still here?! Towelie: [completely stoned and surrounded by some marijuana leaves] Ah I-I didn't know chickens wore suspenders. Randy: Agh! [walks off] Scene Description: South Park Elementary cafeteria. The students are eating lunch. The main five are seated with Token, Clyde, and Craig. Cartman: [yawns loudly] Man, am I feeling tired! All this hard work at school? Butters: Yeah, I wish I had a little pick-me-up! Somethin' fresh and fruity to go with my lunch! Kyle: Just stop. It's so obvious what you guys are doing. Cartman: [pressing forward] It sounds so great right now! [cups his hands to form a megaphone] Can anyone help with some fun, fruity flavors? [the sound of a wall crumbling in heard. Soon, a wall does crumble and a Vaping Man appears] Vaping Man: Oh yeah! Cartman: [quickly stands by the VM] Hey guys! It's the Vaping Man! What are you doing here, Vaping Man? Vaping Man: I'm here to offer my fun, fruity flavors in a refreshing mist. Cartman: Vaping? Hey, that's bad for you. Vaping's only for cool kids. Kyle: [quickly comes up to Cartman and talks quietly] Can I talk to you for a second? Cartman: Sure, Kyle. What is this about? Kyle: Can I talk to you over here? Cartman: Well of course. [they walk far enough away so they're out of earshot of Vaping Man] Kyle: [yelling] What did I say about pushing it on little kids?! Cartman: How is this pushing it on little kids, Kyle? Kyle: Fun, fruity Vaping Man?! Cartman: It's marketing! Kyle, we have to make the money to pay off our dealer. How else are we supposed to do it? Kyle: All right, how much do you owe the dealer? Cartman: Why? Kyle: How much?! Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. An angry Stan is churning hemp milk in a copper kettle to make hemp cheese while Randy pours in the milk Randy: Isn't this great, Stan? Livin' off the land? [walks to the table and picks up a plate with marijuana leaves] Stan: No, it sucks. I hate this. I wanna go back home. Randy: Well you see that? We're talkin' now. [adds some leaves into the mix] When was the last time we really talked like this? Stan: I hate you so much. Randy: Ithink we're havin' a breakthrough moment. I want to give you somethin', son. Somethin' I made that I want you to have. [goes to get it and brings it back] It's a hemp hat. Stan: No. Randy: Come on, let's just see how it fits. Stan: Pleaes, no. Randy: Here, just-just look. Just try it. [takes off Stan's cap and puts the hemp hat on him. When the hat goes on Stan's head, "Two Princes" by Spin Doctors starts to plays.] Spin Doctors: One, two princes kneel before you That's - Scene Description: Randy removes the hat from Stan's head and the song stops. He puts it on again, and the song starts up from the beginning, causing Stan to now look annoyed. Spin Doctors: One, two princes kneel before you Randy: Whoa.[he removes it and the song stops. He puts it on again, and the song resumes, causing him to grin in amusement] Spin Doctors: That's what I said now. Princes - Scene Description: Big Vape vaping bar and store. The place is crowded with young progressive people and filled with vape smoke. A big vape dealer is at the counter buying some vaping products. Clerk: There you go, and thanks for shoppin' at Big Vape. [the vape dealer looks around and then leaves. The clerk buzzes him out.] Cartman: [on the sidewalk with Kyle and Butters, across the parking lot from the store] That's him. That's my guy. Vape Dealer: There you are. You got my money? Cartman: [subdued] Kyle? [motions for Kyle to talk to the vape dealer] Kyle: Look, my friend is very stupid and should have never gone into business with you. [Cartman and Butters back off] Vape Dealer: Who are you? [Butters and Cartman leave] Kyle: I'm just seeing if I can help settle things. You probably don't realize it, but vaping is a really big problem at our school. Vape Dealer: Look, I'm just filling a job that somebody else would fill, all right? [Cartman and Butters return with a body bag with a body in it without the others noticing it.] Kyle: Okay, look, this is the money I've saved up from my past three birthdays. Can we call this even and end it? Vape Dealer: Aw, come on, man. I don't wanna take your birthday money. [Butters turns and walks away] Cartman: Whoa, hey dude! Why is there a dead hooker next to you? Kyle: What? Vape Dealer: What? Cartman: Dude, that is a dead hooker. What are you doing with it?! I'm calling the cops! [whips out his phone.] Vape Dealer: You just put that dead hooker there. Kyle: Cartman, what are you doing?? Cartman: [into the phone] There's a dead hooker at the vape store! Butters: [returns with a crowbar and swings it into the vape dealer's kneecap] There! [runs away with the crow bar] Vape Dealer: [falls over in pain] Ow! Kyle: Oh shit! Cartman: Get the vaporizers, and the cash! Get the cash, Kyle! Kyle: Wha-what? What are you doing?? Cartman: Just get the- Oh shit! Ronan Farrow! Kyle: WHAT?! Cartman: Get the stuff and the cash! Ronan Farrow, Kyle! We've gotta get out of here! [he and Kyle get everything and split] Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, kitchen. The Marshes are at table, and Randy has his hands clasped in prayer, ready to say grace, while the rest of the family is mad Randy: Bless us, Lord, and our little cannabis farm, and may we always keep our tegridy. Amen. [digs into his bowl first] So, how was everyone's day? Sharon: Uh, well, not great. Uh, Stan got caught with a vaping pen. Randy: [drops his bowl onto the table and raises his voice, losing his southern accent again] With a WHAT?! Sharon: You know, those little pen and cartridge things with the mist? Randy: Stan had a vape pen?! [to Stan] You had a fucking vaping-?! Get up to your room right now! [Stan gets off his chair and leaves. Randy leans in towards Sharon] Way to underreact, Sharon! [leaves the table and walks to Stan's room] Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, Stan's room. Stan sits on his bed while Randy walks in and slams the door shut. He then walks up to the bed. Randy: [holding a vape pen in his hand] Where did you get this?! Stan: It's not mine. I took it from a kindergartner. Randy: Yeah, right! My own son using a pussy stick! [brings up his southern accent again] Don't you know what these things are doin' to our way of life?! I've had enough! Stan: What are you gonna do? Randy: You think I'm just gonna stand around while they destroy my family?! We've worked this farm and this land for over four days! I'm not about to let some vape queens take it all away from us! [walks out and slams the door shut] Scene Description: Mr. Mackey's house, day. Kyle knocks at his door. Mr. Mackey: [opens the door] Oh, hello, Kyle. Kyle: Mr. Mackey, I need to talk to you about some things going on at school. Mr. Mackey: M'okay, like what? Cartman: [on the sofa, leans forward] Oh, hi Kyle. Butters: [on the other sofa, leans to his right into view] Hey Kyle! [Kyle is rendered speechless. Cartman and Butters go to the door and stand on either side of Mr. Mackey.] Cartman: We were just talking to the counselor about some college opportunities. What are you doing here? Kyle: You know what I'm doing here! Cartman: Okay, well, we really should talk first, Kyle. Kyle: NO. Mr. Mackey, there's a big operation going on at the school Cartman: Kyle, things have changed. You need to listen. Kyle: Things are getting out of control- Cartman: Kyle, listen! You want to hear this! Kyle: -and you need to know what's going on! Cartman: You need to hear this! Kyle: What?! Cartman: We'lll be right back, Mr. Mackey. [takes Kyle by the hand and leaves with Butters and Kyle] Mr. Mackey: Huh okay. [closes the door] Scene Description: On the sidewalk between two houses Kyle: Let go of me! [Cartman lets go] Cartman: Kyle, listen. It's bad. Kyle: What's bad?! Cartman: The guy we tried to frame at the vape shop. He was the one the sixth graders got their shit from. The sixth graders are pissed at us, Kyle! We have to break into the vape shop and steal enough stuff to make the sixth graders happy. Kyle: You guys decided to beat up the dealer! Cartman: Yeah, but the sixth graders know you were there! Kyle: How?! Butters: 'Cause Eric told them! Kyle: We are all in this together, Kyle! We gotta rob the vape shop, and then we can put this all behind us. Butters: Please, Kyle! We still gotta pay people off! Vaping Man: [breaks through the wooden fence behind the boys] Oh yeah! Hey bitches! Where's my motherfuckin' money?! Butters: Run! Cartman: Aah! Kyle: Aah! Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. Robert Tepper - No Easy Way Out plays. Randy checks himself out on the mirror in the barn. He puts on the farm's logo shirt. He gets some hemp tape and wraps it around his hands, takes a swig of Tegridy Farms hemp milk, then gets into a fighting stance. He then puts on the hat he made for Stan and "Two Princes" plays again. He leaves the house ready to fight, and Sharon follows him out. She puts her fists on her hips Robert Tepper: We're not indestructible Baby, better get that straight. I think that its unbelievable How you give in to the hands of fate - Spin Doctors: One, two princes kneel before you That's what I said now Sharon: Randy, where are you going? Randy: [turns around] Gonna go fight for my children's future. [walks away] Scene Description: Big Vape, night. Loud rock music can be heard outside the building. Randy drives up to it on his tractor and turns the engine off. Randy barges in, and the music and chatter stop Randy: All right, you bunch of vape-smoking' pussies! You try and take my way of life?! Time to show you some tegridy! ["No Way Out" begins to play] Patron: Tegridy? What's tegridy? [Randy begins punching his way through the shop as "Two Princes" plays again and then mixes in with "No Easy Way Out". "Hyeah! Ow! Ouch! Hey! Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! Owie!"] Spin Doctors/Robert Tepper: That's what I said now One, two - There's no easy way out That's what I said now One, two - There's no shortcut home That's what I said now One, two - There's no easy way out That's what I said now One, two - Givin' in can't be wrong That's what I said now One, two - There's no easy way out Randy: [punches through a man] Get your stupid mist out of my fucking face! Bodybuilder: Hey! I like to vape. You think I'm a pussy? Randy: Yup! [takes him down in two blows] Bodybuilder: Ow! [Randy goes upstairs] Scene Description: Big Vape attic. The boys are walking among the tanks used for storing the vapors. They stop at one and begin to siphon off the liquid from the tank into a five-gallon jug Butters: Wow! You're so smart to think of a siphon, Kyle! Kyle: Just shut up and keep pumping! Vape Rep: What are you kids doing? Kyle: Awww, shit! Vape Rep: You little hoodlums break in through the window?! I oughtta break your little legs! Randy: [appears behind him] I don't think so! Kyle: Mr. Marsh! Randy: Just what the Sam Hell you boys doin' here?! Kyle: All right, listen. I should have talked to an adult from the beginning. Cartman: Kyle, what are you doing? Kyle: There are these three vaping syndicates at our school- Cartman: Kyle? Kyle: -and these guys are one of them. Cartman: Nononononono. Kyle: They had someone buying stuff from here for them, and then they sold it to kids. Cartman: Okay, Kyle, I'm calling Ronan Farrow. [takes out his phone and pretends to talk to Farrow] Kyle: The sixth graders, these guys, and Becky Thompson are all at each other for control of the playground. Cartman: Hello, Ronan? Eric Cartman. Yeah, hey. Kyle: I was going to tell an adult, but these guys said they'd stop. Cartman: So you know Kyle? Yeah, well, you're right about him. Randy: It's good you came clean, son. It shows that you've got- [the vape rep punches Randy across the face, then continues punching him] Vape Rep: Didn't your mommy teach you it doesn't pay to mess with progress?! Randy: Yeah. She taught me somethin' else too! If you're gonna fight for your tegridy, don't forget to bring a towel. Towelie: Vape on this, bitch! [jumps off Randy and wraps himself tightly around the vape rep's head. The vape rep's screams are muffled.] Randy: Yeah! [punches the vape rep across the attic] Take that, stupid vaping! [delivers a knee to the vape rep, sending him into the Tropical Passion tank, making it hiss and squeak. Randy opens the valve, and does the same to the other tanks, sending them all into high pressure.] Move it boys! Come on, go go go! [follows them out the door, but stops first and turns around. He rolls a joint and smokes it, then tosses it into the vape mist. The tanks explode one by one, making the patrons run outside and away from the shop. The explosions eventually blow out the windows. Randy and the boys are the last to leave, so they turn around and watch the destruction.] Butters: Does this mean we're out of the vaping business, fellas? Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, sunrise. A guitar starts to slowly play in the background, while Randy drives his tractor with Stan and Towelie riding along. Randy: It's in you. It's in me. A little somethin' called tegridy. Randy: [turns off the tractor and stands up] Well, shit. Looks like we made it to another sunrise. Stan: Oh God, this is just gonna get worse, isn't it? Randy: Yup son. I think the fight's just startin'. Farmers like us are under attack. Towelie: Yupper. We got a lot of work to do. We can't let 'em take what makes us special. Scene Description: A jar of Tegridy Farms marijuana appears at the center of the screen as a voice-over begins to speak Voice-over: Tegridy Weed, from Tegridy Farms. Made... with a little Colorado tegridy. Comin' soon to a dispensary near you.

Scene Description: An October afternoon in South Park. An adult narrates this story. We learn quickly that it is Kenny narrating. Adult Kenny: October was always my favorite month. [Stan and Kyle toss a football to each other. Two boys run past them with a kite] It was always that misty season when everyone embraced the weird and scary. [people are shown decorating their houses for the day.] Our little town was no different. [Stephen and Linda decorate their home for Halloween] I was just a kid back then. [Dr. Spooky's Pumpkin Patch is shown, with kids purchasing their own pumpkins] Me and all the other children were preparing for the greatest night of the year. [Mr. Mackey walks out with a couple of trash bags] But this Halloween was different, and it would change us all... forever. Mr. Mackey: Whoa! [trips over something and falls down] What the? [the something is an electric scooter someone left in front of his house. He stands up with his bags] Alright, who left their scooter here?! Okay?! Whose damn scooter is this?! Neighbor: [across the street] It isn't anybody's. They're e-scooters. Anyone can use them. Mackey: E-scooters? Neighbor: Yeah, see? There's a bunch here and a bunch more down there. [points to his right, Mackey's left. Mackey looks and sees them on both sides of the street, standing on the sidewalk. Another neighbor trips over one on his way across the street.] Everyone can use them to get around town, you know? Leave them where they want for the next person. Mackey: Well where the hell do they all come from?! Neighbor: [flatly] Nobody knows. [Mackey is dumbfounded] Scene Description: A sidewalk near the park. The boys stand around an e-scooter Stan: So anyone can use them? Cartman: Yeah, I think they just work with your cell phone. Kyle: How? Stan: Oh yeah, it has one of them little scan thingies. Let me see. [puts up his phone camera to the e-scooter, which scans the code on the e-scooter. A little ding is heard] Yeah, dude, it's downloading the app. Cartman: Kewl! Stan: Aww, it wants a credit card number. Cartman: Do you wanna use your mom's or my mom's? Stan: Let's do your mom's Cartman: 3715 ...[Stan taps it into the app] 523 ... Stan: Is that an AmEx? Cartman: Yeah, you want a visa? 8292 438 7766507 Stan: Espiration? Cartman: 45261 Stan: Security code? Cartman: [without hesitation] 921 [two beeps follow, and the boys are good to go] Kyle: Dude, it worked! [Stan puts his phone away and hops on the e-scooter, then begins riding it] Cartman: How is it, dude? Stan: Pretty stupid but sweet. Kyle: [turns around] Oh my God. Dude. Oh my God. Cartman: What? Kyle: We should use these things to trick or treat on Halloween! Cartman: Hey yeah! We could cover so much more ground! Stan: [returns and stops] We'd get, like, more candy than anybody. Kyle: Everybody get the app! This is gonna be the best Halloween ever! [he and Cartman whip out their phones and get the app. Kenny has nothing to do.] Kenny: (Oh wait, you guys. See, I don't have a phone.) Cartman: Oh yeah, Kenny doesn't have a phone 'cause he's poor. Kyle: Oh. Well, that's okay. We'll figure it out. We always do! All: [raising fists] All right! Scene Description: Downtown South Park. Mr. Mackey parks in front of Tom's Rhinoplasty, gets out, and parks his car. He goes to Lolly's Candy Factory next door and notices the six e-scooters parked in front of it. Mackey: [spooked] What the... what the... fuck is going on? [goes inside the store, keeping his eyes on the e-scooters] Lolly: How can I help you? Mackey: Well I'm just gettin' my Halloween candy. Want to make sure I get enough. Last year I ran out and the kids egged my house, m'kay? Lolly: Yeah, you don't wanna run out of candy on Halloween. Mackey: I'll take three large bags each of Snickers Fun Size, Payday Bite Size, Almand Joy Snack Size, and Reese's Teenie Weenie Size, m'kay? Lolly: Sounds like you wanna be prepared. [opens a large shopping bag for him and begins packing the bags inside] Mackey: Hey, c-can, can I ask you somethin'? Wha, what's up with all these damn scooters? Lolly: Oh, I think you get an app on your phone and you can use them all over town. Mackey: No, but like, where did they come from? You know, it's like one day everything was fine, and the next there were these fuckin' scooters everywhere. [hands Lolly his AmEx card.] Lolly: You don't like scooters? [takes the card and places the charge on it] Mackey: I just think people should drive, m'kay? I don't think people should "scoot." I just... I just hope the future isn't "scootin'." Lolly: Well, they seem pretty convenient. [gives him back his card and the filled shopping bag] What can be so wrong about that? Happy Halloween. [Mackey leaves and finds... 20 scooters there where there were originally six. He hurries to his car] Scene Description: The Halloween Outlet, day. Everyone is in there getting their costumes, Kenny walks out with a traditional pumpkin pail Kenny: (Woohoo!) [runs to Cartman's house] (Hey dude, check it out! I got my pail!) Cartman: Great, cool. You got your pail. Kenny: (Yup!) Cartman: Come on in, Kenny. Let's talk. [Kenny walks in, looks around, and ends up looking at Stan and Kyle. Cartman follows him] Go ahead. Take a seat, Ken. [Kenny sits on the sofa next to Kyle, Cartman sits next to him.] Okay Kenny, here's the deal. Um, you know that we have this awesome plan to trick-or-treat on e-scooters this year. YOU... don't have a phone. Kyle: Kenny, we've been talking and, the truth is, without a scooter, you're just gonna slow us down. Cartman: It's probably best you trick or treat with someone else this year. Kenny: (But we always trick or treat together) Stan: Yeah, but that's just it, Kenny. To use a scooter, you have to have a phone and... I mean, if we're waiting for you, we're gonna be as slow as all the other kids. It's... like, you know? Kenny: (Guys, please.) Cartman: Look, Kenny, I always told you that one day, being poor was gonna catch up with you. Okay? But you didn't wanna listen. You just kept on being poor, and now it's Halloween and you don't have a cell phone. Kyle: Okay, okay. Cartman, that's not the point. Cartman: He needs to hear this, Kyle. You know, people are just poor, and they think it's not gonna come back to bite them in the ass. Kyle: That's enough, dude! Stan: We're sorry, Kenny. It's just... This awesome plan to get shitloads of candy doesn't... work with... you. [Kenny looks around and reads the mood, then takes his pail and leaves the house] Cartman: Shouldn't have been poor, Kenny. Scene Description: Downtown South Park. Mr. Mackey is driving in his car and singing. Mackey: There was a wee cooper what lived in Fife. Nickety, Nackety noo noonoo Hey Willy Wallacky, hey John Dougal. Alane quo roshety roo rooroo [Notices someone outside his window. It's a scooter rider sipping coffee from Starbucks and carrying a shoulder bag across his body. He begins to notice other riders, but this distracts him from the road ahead.] Whoa, shit! M'kay?! [he's at an intersection when another rider casually scoots in front of him on the crosswalk. He brakes hard, looks out his window and yells] Hey you had a goddamned red light! Rider 1: [long gone] Sorry. Mackey: [sighing] Whoa, Jesus Christ. [another rider runs into the car] Hey! Rider 2: [pulls his scooter off the car] Sorry. Mackey: What the hell?! [the rider pulls the scooter off the car and rides away] Look at my car! Who's gonna pay for- [another rider runs into the car on the passenger side] Rider 3: Sorry dude. [pulls the scooter off the car and rides away] Mackey: God damn it! Get off the goddamned street with those things! [begins to peel away when he encounters traffic going against him, consisting of nothing but scooter riders. He dodges them as best he can. He ends up bumping a few off.] Rider 4: Sorry. Rider 5: [lands on the hood of the car, then gets off some seconds later] Sorry bro. Rider 6: [lands on the trunk of the car, then gets off some seconds later] Sorry, dude. Mackey: Woh, fuck me! Scene Description: Clyde's house, afternoon. Clyde is seated with Token, Jimmy, and Butters. discussing their plan for Halloween over a map of the town. Clyde: As soon as the school bell rings, we find the nearest scooters and begin trick or treating in Butters' neighborhood here. Then at 3 p.m. we- [the doorbell rings] Jimmy: Sh sh-sh-sh-sh Shi sh-shi shit. Clyde: Cover it! Cover it! [he and Jimmy pull out a blanket and throw it over the map. Token and Butters's help cover it up. Clyde goes to open the door and sees Kenny there.] Oh. Hey Kenny. Kenny: (Hey dude. Uh, look. I was wondering, do you think I could trick or treat with you guys this year?) Clyde: You wanna trick or treat with us? What about Stan and Kyle and those guys? Kenny: (Oh, you know, I just thought I'd switch it up this year, hehe) Clyde: Yeah, look, don't tell anybody, but, um... we're gonna trick or treat on e-scooters this year. We're seriously gonna rake in the candy. Problem is, e-scooters work with a phone and pretty sure [slowly] you don't h-have one Kenny: (Oh I won't slow you guys down. I swear!) Clyde: Dude, it's trick or treat. It's not something we're just willing to mess around with, okay? [backs up and closes the door, then lowers his head in sadness] Scene Description: Nighttime. For envelops the town while the moon shines overhead. Mr. Mackey's shadow pops out from behind a tree and looks around, then he sneaks into an alley. He begins pulling up scooters and tossing them into a Bargain Rentals pickup truck. he wades into the river and crosses it to the other side, then removes the scooters from that side of town. He tosses them onto the truck as well. He then chains a bunch of them together and scoots them down the street to the truck. He tosses them onto the growing pile and drives out of town. He drives them onto a high cliff and parks at the edge, then throws out the whole mass of scooters, kicking out any remaining ones. He then drives off the cliff and goes home to sleep. His phone beeps, waking him. He rubs his eyes and puts on his glasses, then is surprised to see a scooter in his room by the bed. Mr. Mackey: What the hell?? [walks backward into the bathroom, then turns around to find two more scooters by the toilet.] Aaaah! [Spooked, he goes downstairs when he hears someone run into the front door.] Rider 7: Agh! [Mackey opens the door to see the rider dust himself off] Sorry, dude. Mackey: God damnit, where'd you get that?! Rider 7: Oh, they're all over, dude. Super-convenient. Try it out. [scoots away. Mr. Mackey walks to the street and sees even more of them than he threw out the night before.] Scene Description: The school cafeteria, day. Bebe and Wendy sit at the table with four other girls. Kenny walks up to their table and sits between two of the girls. Kenny: (Hey guys!) [silence. He chuckles and says] (So listen, I was thinking, maybe I'd trick or treat with you guys this year!) Wendy: You wanna trick or treat with us? Why? Kenny: (Oh, you know! Just trying to be gender-neutral, hahahaha!) Scene Description: At another table, Cartman sits with Stan, Kyle, Token, Jimmy, Clyde, and Butters Cartman: So, uh, you guys think you're gonna get a lot of candy trick or treating this year? Butters: We're gonna get a butt-load of candy! Token: Shh! Butters, don't tell them our secret! Cartman: Oh, we have a little secret too! Stan: But we're not gonna tell people 'cause they're gonna copy us. So let's just leave it at that. Clyde: Fine by us. So what are you gonna be for Halloween? Cartman: Be? I'm gonna be on an e-scooter taking all your candy! [Stan and Kyle flash angry looks at him] That's what I'm gonna be! Kyle: Dude! Cartman: Sorry! Jimmy: Hey wait! That's what we're doing! Stan: What? Craig: Hold on! You guys are using e-scooters on Halloween too? Wendy: Oh, you jerks found out the girls are all trick or treating on e-scooters, and you stole our idea! Cartman: Okay. Hold on! This is bullcrap! [all the kids begin arguing, destroying any chance Kenny had of enjoying a peaceful dinner. He walks away, head down.] Scene Description: South Park Community Center. Adult Kenny resumes the story. Adult Kenny: It was the day before Halloween. All of our parents were gathered together to try and stop a nightmare from coming true. Sgt. Yates: [at the podium] All right, everyone. Quiet, please. We have a community crisis on our hands, and it's my job to keep you informed. As you know, there's been a rise in the use of e-scooters in our town. Officer Brown is head of crisis control. Officer? Officer Brown: We have inside information that kids everywhere are going to be using e-scooters for tricks or treats. Now, with these things, kids and teens can cover a lot of ground in very little time. They can hit more houses than ever before. Because of the scooters, we also expect that people from all the neighboring counties will commute for tricks or treats in our town. Because of all of this, we believe each household needs to be prepared... with at least $6,000 worth of candy. Jimbo: $6,000? Stephen: Well that's ridiculous! We, we can't all buy that much candy! Let's just get rid of those scooters! Townsfolk: Yeah! That's right! Let's do it! Mackey: [stands up] You can't get rid of them! I tried! You all just sat there while those things piled up on our sidewalks! You all rode 'em around, m'kay?! I saw you! You could have used your cars, but you just had to scoot! [makes his way to the podium] And now tricks or treats is here! Well I'll tell you one thing! I'm not gonna let my house get egged this year for not havin' enough candy! So what are we gonna do?! Townsman: We gotta get more candy! [after a moment of silence, everyone scrambles out the door with a sense of urgency. Mackey joins them] Scene Description: Downtown South Park, evening. Mr. Mackey drives up in his car and screeches to a halt in front of Tom's Rhinoplasty. He leaves his car and locks it, then runs into Lolly's Candy Factory next door to get whatever candy he can just as everyone else runs out of there. Mackey: Get-whoa-get out of the way! [goes inside. A female customer leaves with the last of the goodies] Lolly: Look, I got nothin' left, all right? Mackey: What did you-? Get me some of those Hi-Chews. Lolly: Those are already accounted for by folks who called in! Mackey: Well then let me, let me have the Whatchamacallits? Lolly: Those are for me! I've gotta protect my own house! Mackey: Look, you've gotta give me some more fuckin' candy! [Lolly bends over, pulls up a rifle, and aims it at Mr. Mackey] Lolly: There's nothin' left here. You've gotta go somewhere else! [Mr. Mackey turns and runs out] Scene Description: Food 4 Little, later. Mr. Mackey peels into a parking spot and grabs a cart as soon as he can. He runs through the store Mackey: Where, where's the candy, m'kay? Candy? [stops when he sees an associate] Uhh, what aisle is the candy in? Associate: Uh, aisle 7. Mackey: [resumes running] Uh 7, aisle 7! [reaches it and turns to see empty, trashed shelves. A couple of people have fallen victim to the stampede] Scene Description: Halloween, day. A wind blows some leaves around all over town. South Park Elementary is ow crowded with e-scooters up front. The kids are dressed up for Halloween and look around at each other warily, ready to be the first one out the classroom door as soon as the bell rings. Butters too looks around warily, but all of a sudden brightens up. He looks at the clock on the wall. Meanwhile, Kenny walks to Mr. Mackey's office, sighs, and knocks on the door. Mackey: [divvies up the candy so every kid gets the same amount and composition] Twenty Reese's Pieces, one Twix, sixteen Raisinets. [Kenny knocks again] Just... just a minute! Twelve Hat Tamles, half a Nestle Crun- [Kenny knocks again] Okay, come in! [Kenny finally walks in and closes the door, then takes a seat] What you want? Kenny: (I, I just... It's Halloween and I should be happy, but I'm not happy at all.) Mackey: Wait. Are you here for counseling? Kenny: (Yeah! What should I do? I'm gonna miss trick-or-treating. It sucks.) Mackey: Do you realize it's about to be World War III out there?! We have bigger problems! Consider yourself lucky, M'kay?! Everyone's gonna be scootin' and there's no way to stop it. Why are you the one kid who doesn't want to use them? Kenny: (I can't use one. I don't have a phone.) Mackey: What do you mean? You can't use those things without a phone? Kenny: (No. It sucks. Halloween was a night without phones, man.) Mackey: But Kenny, if that's true, then... could there be a way to cut the connection? Kenny: (I don't know. I guess if you-) [snaps his fingers] (Wait a minute. Take down the cell phone tower. Then nobody has a phone on Halloween!) Mackey: Jesus! You really think that could work?! Kenny: (Yeah! I just have to ride thirty minutes outside of town! Oh, wait. I can't. I don't have a scooter.) Mackey: [voice trembling] No. You don't need a scooter, 'cause I got a fuckin' car. [Kenny gets pumped] Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. Stephen and Linda drive up and park. Randy opens the front door to greet them Randy: Yehello? Stephen: Heh hey Randy. Linda and I, we... we were talkin' about how we never see you guys anymore, and we were thinking we'd hang out with you for Halloween, heh. Randy: Oh, I see. You want a place to hide on Halloween night, and you thought out here on the farm you'd be safe. Stephen: Well, that, and we really wanna hang with you guys. Linda: [giggles nervously] Yes. Randy: You think them fancy e-scooters don't make it out here? We're gonna be bombarded just like you city folk. Stephen: Then please, Randy, can we just borrow a little candy? Randy: I gotta keep what I have. Stephen: Please, Randy, the stores are all out! Just a few Milky Ways to get us through the first couple hours, please! We can cut 'em up. We can- we can hand them out little pieces at a time. Randy: [steps backward up the porch steps] I gotta protect my own, Stotch! I'm sorry. [turns and walks inside] Scene Description: In the car, moments later. Linda: [in a panic] What are we gonna do?? Stephen: It's okay, Linda! It's okay! On Halloween night, I'll... I'll just one of those e-scooters myself. I'll go around and, and I'll trick-or-treat. I'll... I'll get a bunch of- Linda: [grabs his right hand] No, you can't leave me alone! Stephen: [grabs her shoulders] I'll get a bunch of candy, Linda, and I'll bring it back to our house for us to hand out! It's going to be okay. Scene Description: South Park Elementary. The school bell rings and the kids flood out to get at the e-scooters. Clyde gets on a scooter, but Kyle pulls him off and takes it. Butters runs for a scooter, but Cartman catches up to him and punches him away. The kids fan out around town. Gerald is at his front door dishing out candy as fast as possible Gerald: Aah! Aaaah! Here! Here, take it! Just take it! Richard: [Dishes out candies to the trick-or-treaters in a panic] OH GOD! WE NEED MORE 3 MUSKETEERS! WE CAN'T BE OUT! THERE HAS TO BE MORE!! Kyle: [comes into view with Cartman and Stan] Jesus Christ! Where'd all these other people come from?! Cartman: We have to get more candy than anyone else, even if we die! Scene Description: The road to South Park, night. The sign for Mr. Hankey's Holiday Pageant now has CANCELLED spray-painted on it. Kids and teens from out of town begin streaming in. Again, Mr. Mackey has to avoid the oncoming riders, but Kenny is with him now. Mackey: The tower should be just over that ridge. Kenny: (Let's just hope to hell this works.) Rider 8: [a woman they bump off] Oof, Sorry. Mackey: What gives them the right, huh? I mean, some big company came and dumped a bunch of scooters everywhere without asking anyone if it was okay. Kenny: (Yeah, people don't even care if shit's dumped everywhere. Everyone just loves technology) Mackey: Yeah, you're right. You're a good kid, Kenny. I always thought so. I know we kind of all forget about you sometimes, but you're smart, compassionate, and you might even make a good counselor someday. [looks ahead again, but bumps into another rider] Rider 9: Sorry, dude. Scene Description: Jimbo and Ned's house, night. The trick-or-treaters swarm outside the house while Jimbo and Ned dish out the candy Jimbo: Keep going, Ned! Don't you give up on me! Stephen: [scoots up to them, pushing people out of the way] Move it! Get out of my way! [holdds up his pail] Trick or treat! Jimbo: The hell are you doing, Stotch? Stephen: Happy Halloween! Trick or Treat! Jimbo: You're just trying to get our candy for your house! Stephen: That's not true! Jimbo: You don't even have a costume! Stephen: Yes I do! I'm Megyn Kelly! Now trick or treat! Scene Description: The neighborhood streets, night. The boys have done so well that their bags are bulging with candy Kyle: That's it! I can't go anymore! Cartman: Keep moving, Kyle! Stan: Dude, we can't carry any more candy! Cartman: All right, over here. Come on! Kyle: What are we doing? Cartman: We've gotta make room for more candy. Come on. Eat as much as you can. [they open their bags and start shoveling candy into their mouths, eating as much as they can] Kyle: I don't... I don't know how I can keep doing this. Cartman: Yes you can, Kyle. Stan: I can't any more. [throws up into his bag] Scene Description: A half hour out of town, night. Mr. Mackey and Kenny drive towards a wireless cell tower guarded by a chain-link fence Kenny: (Find a way inside. I'll climb the tower.) Mackey: Okay, sounds good! [they're confronted by a security guard in costume] Kenny: (Oh, fuck!) [the guard is dressed as Jason Voorhees] Mackey: Jesus Christ! [slashing sounds are heard. The guard removes his mask] Guard: I'm all out of candy, all right?! Go look somewhere else! Mackey: We're not here for tricks or treats! Guard: Yeah, sure! That's what the last people said! Then they dumped my entire bowl in a pillowcase! Kenny: (Dude, relax. It's okay.) Guard: I'm just a security guard, all right?! [slides the mask back down over his face] We never even used to have trick-or-treaters out this far! Mackey: That's why he has to take down this cellphone tower: To stop the scooters! Jason, I'm a counselor. You need to trust me. [the guard tilts his head to the right] Scene Description: The trick-or-treaters swarm outside the police station and pound on its walls. Police officers inside the station stay low and armed. One of them covers his ears Yates: There's a bowl of Rice Krispie treats at the side door! The side door, you animals! Officer: Detective, look! Scene Description: A TV is seen from their location, showing a newscast from New York. Times Square is torn to shreds, with glass panels littering the ground Reporter: We are two hours ahead here! New York has completely run out of candy! [static ruins the image and the TV goes dark] Scene Description: The neighborhood streets, moments later. Trick-or-treating continues Jimmy: Butters? We've lost Butters! Token: Oh God, Butters! [Butters is lying down next to a gutter munching on his cache of candy] Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, night. Sharon and Randy stand on the porch looking out at the fields. A swarm of kids is in the distance Sharon: We're never goin' to have enough candy. Scene Description: The cellphone tower, later. Kenny goes up the steps to the top, hauling a chain. He then throws the chain around the top and catches it, tying it onto itself Kenny: (Okay, that's got it!) Mackey: All right, Kenny! [to no one] Let's see you do THIS with a goddamned scooter! [turns the ignition on, revs up the car, and begins to drive away, pulling the tower down. Kenny hides behind some panels on the way down] Scene Description: The town, moments later. The scooters begin to power down and the riders stop moving. The excitement dies down. Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, moments later. The scooters begin to power down and the riders stop moving just before reaching the porch. The excitement dies down. Adult Kenny: And just like that, it was over. Nobody knew what happened. They only knew their phones didn't work. Clyde: Does anyone have a signal? Adult Kenny: No scooters, no texting, not even GPS. It was like the old Halloween. [with no way to move around on them, the riders just drop the scooters and walk away] Rider 10: And I can't get an Uber home! Adult Kenny: Mr. Mackey was able to get back to the town and offer counseling to everyone who needed it. [Kenny walks into view, wearing a costume] And as for me? I was able to spend the rest of the night with my friends, because we were all equal again. The boys: [approach a house and ring the doorbell] Trick or treat. Kenny: [brightly] (Trick or treat!) Adult Kenny: It was the last Halloween that still felt like Halloween. It was the last time... it was good. [a scooter suddenly props itself up and scoots away]

Scene Description: A meadow near town, day. A small bird chirps on a blade of grass when suddenly, it's shot to pieces. The camera pans left and we see Jimbo and Ned in the distance, Ned holding the rifle that shot the bird Jimbo: Yeah-heah! You got it, Ned! That was a nice shot! Ned: Mn-thanks. I thought so too. Jimbo: Come on, let's see what we got. [they walk to the bird's location and look down] Huh. Looks like you shot the shit out of it. There's nothin' left. [looks to his left] Hey. Lookie here. Jesus. You ever seen animal tracks that big? [the hoof prints of a large animal are shown - pig on the left, bear on the right] Ned: Mmm-no I have not, Jimbo. Jimbo: Looks like a bear. A huge one! Come on, the tracks go this way. [they walk away, then stop] Look at that. Looks like bear droppings. But with a man poop right next to it. Ned: I'm scared. [they move forward] Jimbo: What the hell are we dealing with, Ned? Whatever it is, it was heard recently. [they walk through some hemp plants] Scene Description: They've made their way to Tegridy Farms. Randy and Stan are on the porch Randy: Hey! [Jimbo and Ned look up] What the hell are you guys doin' on my farm? Jimbo: We're trackin' a bear, Randy. Randy: A bear? [a growling squeal is heard, Everyone looks around] That didn't sound like no bear. [Ned begins to run away] Jimbo: Where're you goin' Ned? Ned: Mmm-I'm getting my white ass outta here. [stops. Manbearpig rises out of the field and squeal-growls at him] Stan: What the fuck?! Jimbo: Jesus Christ! [fumbles to aim his gun at ManBearPig and finally gets a shot out. Ned runs away, and ManBearPig gives chase.] Whoa! Ned: [slowly while running] Help me! [ManBearPig catches up to him and mauls him, then carries him away in its mouth.] Jimbo: NNEEEEDDDD!! Scene Description: Park County Police Station, day. Officers arrive to work. Yates: All right. We have some dead cows down at Milner's Ranch. I want Conners and Tiggs to check that out. And the two hikers are still missing. Let's have all units keep their ears to the ground. [tidies up his papers] All right, ladies, that's it. Second shift starts now. As for me, I'm finally heading home. Officer 1: Gonna finally get some R&R, sir? Yates: Yep. Gonna go home and play me some Red Dead Redemption 2. I got a train to rob in Valentine. Officer 2: Detective! Got a call from the school. Another kid's been killed. Yates: No, no not another school shooting! Can't they handle it themselves? Officer 2: Said they need us right away. Yates: [makes fists] God damn it! [loosens them] Why the hell can't these kids stop being a pain in my ass? [takes off his coat and adjusts his tie] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Several police cars pull up. Yates and the others get out and enter the school. Strong Woman has the students huddled up on the playground. Strong Woman: Children, everyone, just stay back, okay? The police are coming. Yates: [arrives with Ofc. Brown.] All right, what happened? What grade was the shooter in? Strong Woman: Oh thank God. Some kindergartners found the body. I-I don't think it was a shooting. Yates: [takes a cigarette from a pack in his shirt pocket] Of course it's a school shooting. It's cut and dry. Let's just get this over with so I can go home. Where's the victim? [takes out a lighter and lights his cigarette] Strong Woman: Over there. [points to her left, and the officers follow with their eyes] Brown: What the hell? [the body they reach is a kid's body which has been ripped to shreds] Yates: Jesus, it's a complete mauling. Officer 3: [kneels to take a closer look] Looks like part of him was eaten. Yates: [returns to the students] All right, which one of you little shitheads did this? [the student body stays silent] Come on. I don't have time for these little games. Which of you peckers felt isolated and lashed out at society? If I have to stay here and do an investigation instead of go home and rob a train, there's gonna be serious hell to pay! Scene Description: South Park Elementary hallway. Kyle is at his locker switching books. He closes the locker as Cartman and Kenny walk by, and joins them. Kyle: So what as he doing alone on the playground? Cartman: Staci Nakabw says he just wanted to run back out and get his football. Kenny: (What the fuckin' hell, dude?) Kyle: And there were bear prints in the snow? Stan: It wasn't a bear! [seen by his locker seated on the floor with his arms around his legs] I saw it. [the other boys walk up to him] Kyle: You saw what? Stan: It was at my house. There was a... thing. It attacked my uncle and took his friend. It was like a bear, but a pig... thing. Kyle: Jesus. Stan: It was at my house, and then here at the school! Everyone says that kid and I looked alike. What if that thing is after me?? Cartman: Dude, now you're just overreacting. Mackey: [over the P.A.] Attention, please. Will the following students report to the principal's office? Eric Cartman, Kenny McCormick. [both are surprised that they've been called.] Thank you, 'kay. Cartman: Aww, what did I do this time? Scene Description: The principal's office, lobby. Cartman and Kenny arrive. Cartman: You go first, Kenny. Kenny: (Fuck that, you go first!) Cartman: I didn't even do anything wrong! Kenny: (Neither did I!) Cartman: Just stop being a baby, Kenny, and go! [pulls Kenny to the door] Scene Description: The principal's office, inside. Kenny goes in first, then Cartman. Yates is sitting at the desk, smoking a cigarette. Yates: Take a seat, boys. Right there. [the boys sit and wait as Yates lights up a cigarette and takes a loooong puff] You know how shitty it is to be a cop? [sits up] There's real emergencies every day - real people who need real help - but then, every other minute, I gotta stop everything 'cause one of you little fuckwads decides to go and shoot up the school. [Kenny says something] Shut up! now, which one of you had a beef with Colin Brooks?! Cartman: Nobody gives a shit about Colin Brooks. Yates: Oh yeah? I asked the kids in this school, "Who are the biggest loners? Who's most likely to rage and be the next school shooter?" You know what they said? The fat, ugly mean kid and the detached, loner poor kid. Cartman: Hey, I'm not poor, all right?! Yates: Or was it both of you? Fess up. I have people in Horseshoe Overlook who are depending on me to get provisions so we can head back east. Cartman: You're playing Red Dead Redemption 2? Yates: That's right. And I'm gonna make both of you school shooters pay for wasting my time. [Cartman and Kenny just look at each other] Scene Description: Kyle's room, evening. Kyle is typing away at his computer as Stan looks on. Stan: Keep looking. There's a lot of people saying they saw it, Kyle. It's not just me. Kyle: "Evidence of the creature of South Park." This is like a conspiracy Web site. Stan: It's not a conspiracy, it's real. Keep going down. There's video. [Kyle scrolls down and stops at "MAN-BEAR-PIG captured on VIDEO"] There! Right there! [Kyle clicks on it and the video expands. ManBearPig is seen running off with another victim in its jaws.] That's it. That's what I saw. [walks away from the computer] I saw ManBearPig. Kyle: ManBearPig? Stan: Don't you remember, dude? We were warned about this. That weirdo guy who came and told us this would happen? He was right. [Kenny and Cartman soon run in] Cartman: You guys! You guys! The police are trying to say me and Kenny killed that douchebag, Colin Brooks. Kyle: What? Cartman: They questioned us for hours. They said they had enough to get warrants for our arrest. Stan: But it wasn't you guys. Cartman: We know that! What the hell are we gonna do?? Stan: Who was that ex-President guy? The one who showed up and tried to convince everyone of a ManBearPig? Kenny: (You mean Al Gore?) Kyle: Al Gore. Scene Description: Park County Police Station, day. Yates addresses everyone in the briefing room. Yates: In my report, you'll see that Eric Cartman and Kenny McCormick are believed to have worked together. I've issued warrants for their arrests, and this case is now in the hands of the DA. [adjusts his papers and puts them away] And I... am finally going home. Keep McCormick and Cartman in separate holding cells, and don't wait on me to book 'em. I'm gonna be playing Red Dead Redemption for the next 18 hours. [gets to the entrance door] Officer 2: Detective! Yates: Whaaat? Officer 2: There's more dead kids. Out in the woods by Stark's Pond. Yates: In the woods? There was a school shooting out in the woods? Outside of school is the one place kids are supposed to be safe. Officer 2: They're saying it's really bad, sir. Need all units. Yatess: [frustrated, sighs] God damn it! [takes off his coat] If these kids don't stop killing each other, I'm gonna shoot 'em all myself. Scene Description: Denver City Hall, day. The boys approach the receptionist. Stan: Hello, uh, we're looking for a government sort of guy named Al Gore? Receptionist: Al Gore... Al Gore... Sounds familiar. Kyle: He said he was almost President once. He came to our town once to warn us about something, [hands her a photo] and we have to find him. [the photo is revealed to be a head shot of Al Gore signed "To my Best Friends! - Al".] Receptionist: Ohhh yeahhh. This looks like Jim Turner Kenny: {Jim Turner?} Receptionist: The state bowling champion five years in a row. You can always catch him practicing down at Gramercy Lanes. Scene Description: Gramercy Lanes, later. "Jim Turner" is seen getting ready to bowl. Gore: Focus. Calm. Center. [bowls. The ball takes out 9 of 10 pins] Yes! Die! Die, you pins! Oh, we've got a straggler, do we? You're gonna die just like the rest of 'em. Stan: Mr. Gore? Gore: Focus. Calm. Stan: Al Gore? Gore: [faces them] That's a name I haven't heard in a long time. Stan: I don't know if you remember us, but we're the kids you got to help try and capture ManBearPig? Well uh, eh eh, you were right. Ha, you, you were totally right. ManBearPig is real and, uh, he's killing lots of people in our town. Gore: Oh. Sucks for you. [turns around and gets the spare.] Kyle: Please, Mr. Gore! We need your help! ManBearPig isn't going to stop! Gore: [gets a new ball and holds it] Oh, is it inconvenient now? I tried to warn you all, but no one took me cereal. You all just made fun of me, didn't you? Well, now you can just deal with it yourselves. Kyle: Please, just tell us. How do you stop it? Gore: You stop it all those years ago when I freaking warned you and you still had time! Stan: There has to be something we can still do. Please, Mr. Gore. You're the only person who knows anything about it. Gore: Say you're sorry for making fun of me. Stan: We, didn't, we didn't realize there were more than- Gore: Say you're sorry for making fun of me. Cartman: [sincerely] We're sorry for making fun of you. Gore: That... didn't sound cereal at all. [turns and bowls a strike] Scene Description: Red Lobster, day. A family is seated at a booth. The mother and son sit against a wall while the father sits on the open side. Husband: You can't just go along with what people are saying, Susan. Okay? There's no scientific proof, no real evidence of a Manbearpig. Susan: Well, there's a lot of smart people saying ManBearPig is real. Husband: Yeah, and a lot of smarter people saying saying it isn't. Okay? What you need to understand, Susan, is that everyone has an agenda. Everyone wants to use the fear of a Manbearpig to get what they want. [ManBearPig breaks through the windows and begins killing diners left and right] So they throw around bad science, bad taxidermy. People comin' out of the woodwork are now experts on the subject. [ManBearPig grabs a blond diner by the head and slams him to the ground, grabs a female diner and decapitates her with a single bite, grabs another diner and kills him] But you have to use your own brain, sweetheart. You can't just let people tell you that if you don't believe in ManBearPig, then you don't care about the world. Susan: It is real! Husband: You wanna believe it's real? You go right on ahead, Susan. Susan: No, it's right there! It's right there behind you! [The father looks over his shoulder and sees ManBearPig grab another blond diner and rip his skull and spine from the rest of his body. Susan is terrified and screams] Husband: Okay, ManBearPig is real. [ManBearPig grabs another diner and bites him in the torso, tosses him around, and spits him out] What are we gonna do about it now, huh? [ManBearPig grabs another diner and tears him in two] What are we gonna do that's gonna make any difference now, Susan? Susan: [grabs their son and shakes her head in disbelief] What?! We have to do something! Husband: What can we do that everyone else will also do, Susan? [ManBearPig grabs a female diner and slams her into a pillar] Come on, use your brain. Even if we do something about it, what about the Chinese? [ManBearPig takes yet another dinner and slams him into the booth behind the family's] They're just gonna keep right on- Aaaghghg! [ManBearPig grabs the father and crushes his skull in its jaws, killing him] Scene Description: Olive Garden, day. There's singing going on in there. Boys: [singing to Al Gore, who's wearing a Special Boy crown] For he's a jolly good fellow. For he's a jolly good fellow. For he's a jolly good fellow. That should 've been President. Gore: Aw, thanks, guys! You shouldn't have! Cartman: You told us to. [Stan elbows him] Ngh! Gore: What did you guys get me? [opens the first gift] Oh wow. Look! [a small framed picture] It's a "You were right about ManBearPig" signed picture. [the picture does say that, with the four boys signing it at the bottom] Kyle: So, ahum, now maybe we can all work together, huh? Gore: Hang on! [claps and sings] It's movie time! Go go! Start it up. [Kenny goes to start the projector] This is the best party ever. Oh, look, guys. It's me! There I am, campaigning to be President. [Al Gore talking to a crowd during his presidential campaign in 2000] That's me with Hillary! [An older looking Gore standing with Hillary Clinton at a rally during her presidential campaign in 2016] There's more of me on the campaign trail,[Al and his wife shaking hands with people outside during his campaign in 2000] so full of dreams! Oh, look! It's me when I found out I lost the election! [he and George W. Bush stand outside by the White House after the 2000 presidential election] Boo! [the boys have lost interest and their eyes are half closed] But then look! There's me getting an Academy Award! [Gore standing on the red carpet at the 2007 Academy Awards with his wife, son and daughter for his film "An Inconvenient Truth"] Kyle: [fed up] Okay, can we stop ManBearPig now?! Gore: Who said anything about stopping MBP?[Gore, his wife and his running mate are shaking hands while leaving an event in 2000] Stan: Yu-you told us to do all this. Gore: Yeah, to make up for ripping on me![Gore talking to reporters on a tarmac] Cartman: You're still not even gonna help us?! Gore: I've moved on from this life, okay?! I have a new life now! I'm a bowler![Gore addressing the United Nations]And when I'm not bowling, I help out my gang. [Gore on an airplane talking to a reporter]They're my family now! We're wanted in Blackwater, and we have to move our camp soon! Cartman: You're playing Red Dead Redemption 2? Gore: Yeah, it's amazing. Only thing is I have all these stolen items and I don't know how to sell them.[Gore and his wife greeting people outside an event at night] Stan: We know how. Gore: [softly] Oh, really? [Gore and his running mate at a rally in 2000] Scene Description: Baskin Robbins, day. It is destroyed, with shattered windows and bodies torn apart and strewn everywhere. The police show up and document the massacre. Officer 3: [with notepad] No witnesses to the attack were left alive. The same bear and pig droppings were found along with human excrement. Yates: I don't believe it. A school shooting at an ice cream shop. Damn it! When children leave school they're supposed to be out of harm's way! Officer 4: Detective! Sir, we got word on the two suspects. They appear to be on the run. Yates: I would be too if I were guilty. Officer 4: No one has seen them or their two closest friends, uh, Marsh and Broflovski. Yates: So we got us a gang of shooters, huh?! How the hell hard can it be to find four boys?! Officer 3: Sir. Why don't you take a break, sir? Yates: Erh. Officer 3: You've been hittin' it hard. We'll do all we can to catch these kids. Go home. Play some Red Dead Redemption. Yates: Huh. Gotta admit I've to love to see the sunrise over Citadel Rock again. And I got me a gal who claims she's got a side mission or two. Officer 3: Go on home, sir. We'll take care of everything here. Scene Description: Al Gore's storage unit. He opens the security shutters and leads the boys in. Lots of papers and electronics fill the unit Gore: This is it. Every piece of information I ever gathered on ManBearPig. Stan: Where did ManBearPig come from? Kyle: Is it some sort of genetic mutation? Gore: [uncovers a huge workstation with three screens] Hoho! I thought that once too. I wanted to find ManBearPig's origins. And so I created this - the Internet. With that, I was able to look everywhere for any bit of data, and what I learned is that ManBearPig... is a demon. Kenny: (A demon?!) Gore: [brings up an image of an engraving] This is "The Temptation of St. Anthony" by Martin Schongauer. It depicts several demons. WolfMonekyGuy, ChickenFishWoman, and ElephantPorcupineMan, just to name a few. All of them sent by the Devil himself. [realizes something] Oh my God. Kyle: What? Gore: I should play Red Dead on this computer, with all three screens. That'd be so bitchin' sweet. Stan: Why did the Devil send ManBearPig?! Gore: Why does the Devil do anything? He's the freakin' Devil. He's a dick. [opens a secret compartment in which his red cape and gold medallion rest, and puts on the cape and medallion] It's probably too late. By now, ManBearPig is so powerful that the only way to get rid of him is to send him back to hell. We're going to have to do... a demonic ritual. [goes to a mirror to make sure he's ready] All I can say is... you boys better get to the grocery store, 'cause it's time... to get cereal. Scene Description: Yates' house, night. Yates parks his car outside the garage and goes to the front door. He opens it and goes in. Maggie comes out to greet him Maggie: Harrison Yates, where have ya been?! Yates: Another school shooting, Maggie. Down at Baskin-Robbins. [grabs his controller and presses Play. He waits for the game to appear onscreen] Maggie: I haven't seen ya in days. I've missed you so much. Come have some supper with me. Yates: Maggie, I just need to relax a bit, all right? Please. I've been waiting for this a long time. Just give me a- Wait a minute. The house in Valentine is built? Where did I get a sniper rifle? Maggie! Did you play over my saved game? Maggie: I just played a little bit. Yates: A little bit, you-? On my saved game?! Why didn't you start your own?! Maggie: You're never home anymore! With all these school shootings! I need a life too, you know?! ISo I robbed a lumber mill in Monto's rest, upgraded my horse and got a sniper rifle. Yates: [stands up and confronts her] That's my life, Maggie! I was goin' for more honor points! God damn it! Maggie: Why can't we have a life together?! Yates: I haven't gotten to play in three days. You've done all this stuff without me! You got deputized?! [Maggie begins sobbing.] Oh God damn it! That does it! Maggie: Where are ya going?! Yates: I'm starting a new life! [goes to the hat rack and puts on his coat and hat, then goes back to the armchair] I'm creating a new saved game. Maggie: You can;t possibly go all the way back to the snow level again! Yates: What choice do I have now?! [Maggie sobs and heads towards the kitchen as he starts a new game] Fuckin' bitch. Scene Description: The woods, night. The camera aims at the night sky, then pans down, resting on the sacrificial circumscribed pentagram, drawn in blood. A goat is tied to a stake in the center, and a candle rests on each of the five points of the pentagram. Gore appears with a crown of twigs and holding a chicken by its feet Gore: Abuul abash mayah. What Satan has put forth upon this earth, may it be summoned and banished forever. [the boys stand by with two other dead chickens. They each hold a candle. Kenny takes one of them to Gore] Kyle: Dude, come on. What are we doing? Cartman: This is stupid. Stan: He was right before. Gore: We call upon the powers of darkness. Come on, guys. We call upon the powers of darkness. The Boys: We call upon the powers of darkness. Gore: Al Gore was right. Al Gore was right all along. The Boys: Al Gore was right all along. Gore: We should have listened to Al Gore. The Boys: We should have all listened to Al Gore. Kyle: Wait. Wait, are you videoing us? Gore: It's Instagram Live. Keep going! We should have taken Al Gore more cereal. Stan: All right all right, that's enough! [puts down his candle] You need to stop wasting our time, dude. People are dying! You don't have a fucking clue what you're doing! [the pentagram brightens up, winds whip around in it, flames appear on the bloody markings. The goat is consumed and the flames get stronger.] Gore: [faces the boys] You were saying? Stan: Oh shit! [facepalm] God damn it! Nothing! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Scene Description: The SPPD briefing room. The police officers await Yates. An officer coughs. The door opens and Yates storms in, also the door, puts his coat on the coat rack, kicks the wastebasket and walks to the lectern Yates: Do you all have any idea what it's like to start over?! You walk four hours through the snow relearning everything, all because your bitch wife went and spent all your hard-earned money on upgrades you didn't want! I get one little break from work - one little break - and I didn't even get back to the first brawl at the saloon! Officer 5: [raises his hand] You can actually bypass that fight if you go hunting with Dutch. Yates: [slams his fist on the lectern] SHUT UP!! These school shootings are done, you hear me?! I want this case closed by the end of the night, one way or another! Now let's MOVE OUT! Scene Description: The woods, night. The pentagram is quite hot now as Gore and the boys wait for Satan Gore: Here he comes, boys! Prepare yourselves! [the pentagram ones up and a giant hand rises out of it and grips the ground. The rest of the figure rises up, growling. It's Satan.] Satan: Who hath summoned me to this realm?! Kyle: Dude! You summoned Satan! Gore: Yeah, no doi! What'd ya think we were doing?! [turns to Satan] Prince of Darkness! It is I, Al Gore! I was almost President! Satan: What do you wish of me, Al Gore?! Gore: A demon from Hell has been unleashed upon our world! We demand to know its nature! We demand to know its reason for coming! Satan: There is only one place you can find the answers you seek! It is the place where all knowledge becomes known. Your local library. Gore: Ah! You are correct. [to the boys] Your local library is an excellent resource for whatever you wish to learn. Satan: Yes it is. Gore: Then I command ye, Satan, to come with us to the local library! And I am cereal! Kyle: Dude, Satan's not gonna go with us to the- Satan: Very well, Al Gore. Let us go! Scene Description: South Park Public Library, night. The boys and Gore are inside browsing the stacks Satan: Yeah, guys! Guys, over here! I think I found it. What you're dealing with is a Sifter of Fate. Kenny: (Well what's that mean?) Satan: So there's these demons that, um, actually come once every few generations. They're all about making deals. Stan: Making deals? Satan: Yeah, check it out: "The Sifter of Fate thrives on tempting mankind. It will always offer a deal in exchange for mercy, but the carnage will be a thousand times worse when the debt comes due." Kyle: Okay, so wait. Now you're saying that someone in our town made a deal with that thing? Satan: Now it's here to claim its part of the bargain. It's sort of like when you're part of a gang feuding with a rival gang, you know? You ride around on your horse thinking it won't all catch up with you, but... it always does. Gore: You're playing Red Dead Redemption 2? Satan: So good, right? [police sirens draw near and stop] Scene Description: South Park Public Library exterior, night. Yates speaks through a bullhorn while numerous police cars and armed SPPD officers are behind him and a few townspeople observe. Yates: Attention school shooters! We have you surrounded! Come out with your hands up! Scene Description: South Park Public Library interior. The boys look out the window before turning around and walk away from the window. Cartman: Oh Jesus. You gotta tell them, Mr. Gore! Tell them it wasn't us! Gore: No. They don't listen to me, kids. [walks up to them and genuflects] It's up to you young people now. [takes off his medallion...] You have to find a way to get people to take this cereal. [...and puts it on Kyle. He then puts his cape on Stan] You must convince people there's a ManBearPig, which Satan told you is a Fate Sifter demon that made a deal with someone in this town! Stan: That's gonna be impossible! Gore: Yeah, sounds really hard, doesn't it? People might not believe you and like, make fun of you and stuff. Poor you guys, huh? [the boys turn and walk out, heads down.] Scene Description: South Park Public Library exterior, night. The boys walk out to the steps of the library and stop in place with their hands up. Officer 5: They're coming out! Female Officer: Hands where we can see 'em! Stan: Everyone, listen! ManBearPig is real! It's a demon that thrives on making deals to exploit mankind's weaknesses. I am super-duper cereal.[a few of the townspeople move in closer behind the officers to listen] We all have to work together, you guys. This one time. We have to all put our pride aside and be willing to say, maybe we were wrong. Yates: [Approaches from the side behind the boys] All right, lock these little fuckers up! [four officers, one for each boy, come up from the other side and cuff them] Kyle: No! You can't! [other officers come in and deal with the boys] Yates: [leaving] That's it, gentlemen! Case closed. Now I've got a Goddamned stagecoach to rob in Scarlett Meadows! Officer 6: Well done, sir! [he and Yates high-five each other in passing] Stan: No! Nooo! Scene Description: The arrest is aired on News 4. Kyle and Stan are put into the back seat Stan: Please! Somebody made a deal with ManBearPig! We have to find out who! Scene Description: Shady Acres Retirement Community. Commons area. Marvin Marsh and other residents are watching the events unfold on TV. Marvin: [looking at the newscast] Billy... What have I done?

Scene Description: Bright music plays as a couple leaves Jared's, the Galleria of Jewelry Wife: [emotional] Oh my gosh! Oh, honey! I can't believe you went to Jared! Husband: This is a new beginning for us, darling. I'm just so excited for our future. [ManBearPig leaps in out of nowhere and mangles him to bits] Scene Description: Gameplay of Red Dead Redemption 2 is shown on a television set up next to a cup of pens and pencils. Officer Jenkins: [Off screen] Oh yeah! Take that, cop! You want some too, sheriff?! Yeah! There you go, bitch! Another dead cop! [The back of the player is now shown, with the television and a PS4 set up on an office desk] And another one! Yeah! You want some too, copper?! [the player is revealed to be a desk officer inside South Park Police Department.] You want a piece of this, you god damn pigs?! Scene Description: South Park Police Department, holding cells. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are hanging onto the cell door while Kenny is laying down on a cot. Officer Jenkins is a few feet away from them, playing RDR2. Stan: Officer, you have to let us out of here! We don't have much time! Jenkins: Yeah, that's the last cop. Let's get out of here! Stan: Sir, you have to listen to us. ManBearPig is real. Jenkins: [Reclines back and puts his legs up on the desk] Oh God. Here we go again. "We gotta stop ManBearPig! We gotta take it serious!" Kyle: But we do! ManBearPig is gonna kill everyone, and he's not gonna stop! Jenkins: Oh, well then I guess I don't have to do anything about it. Cartman: Can you get off your god damn video game for five fucking seconds so we can have a conversation?! Stan: [leaves the cell door] Where the hell is Al Gore? Why isn't he coming for us? Kyle: [walks up] Nobody's coming for us, Stan. They think we're murderers. Cartman: And that's why we have to break out of here ourselves. [turns to the cop] Excuse me? Officer? Jenkins: Shut up! I don't wanna hear anything about ManBearPig and how we're all doomed. Cartman: No, it's not that. It's just...I noticed you're still riding your horse all the way back to camp. Jenkins: [turns his head to face Cartman] Yeah. Trains and stagecoaches don't go to my camp.[turns back to the video game] Cartman: No, they don't, but... you can use cinematic mode to make it easier on yourself. Jenkins: [stops, then looks at him, startled, then sits up] What the hell are you talking about? Scene Description: South Park Community Center, evening. Several corpses lie on the ground, and a couple of small fires blaze nearby as an ambulance rushes by. Inside, Hugh is standing on a stage, next to a projection screen, as he prepares to speak to the audience. Hugh: All right, everyone. I realize a lot of people have died and most of the roads have been destroyed due to all the fires, so I'd like to thank you all for coming to tonight's symposium, "When Should I Start To Worry?" [On the projection screen, a picture of a blonde haired woman is shown pondering with her chin in her hand, along with the caption, "When should I start to worry?"] I'd like to make this an open discussion and hope we can all participate in ways that give us better insight. Yes, Mr. Clarkson? Mr. Clarkson: [Stands up] I'm pretty sure there's a ManBearPig and I'm fairly certain that he has eaten two of my children and destroyed our home. When should I start to worry? [sits down] Hugh: That's an excellent question. There's definitely evidence that all the death and destruction around us is due to a ManBearPig. Townsman: [stands up and interjects] But no exact correlation to a ManBearPig! Hugh: Definitely not, and that's why we're all here, to pinpoint, "When Should I Start To Worry?" Stephen: [stands up]I think that the time to start worrying is coming. I don't know if I believe in ManBearPig or not, but I do know that I'm open to the idea of starting to worry. [he gets some applause and then sits down] Hugh: I think Stephen echoes a lot of our feelings right now. Scene Description: South Park Community Center, interior entrance. Satan bursts through the closed doors, creating a massive hole in the wall and then flings chairs everywhere, as people run away from him Satan: Rroooowwwwwrrrrr!! [grabs a man by the collar] Foolish mortals! Your time is nigh! Face your end! Mr. Clarkson: [raises a hand and stands up] Um, it looks like Satan is here. Should I start to worry? [he gets some applause and then sits down] Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, night. Stan is trying to get inside. He rattles the doorknob a couple of times and then bangs on the door. Randy answers Randy: [looks around and then looks down in shock] Stan?! Stan: We broke out of jail, Dad. Randy: Come on. Get out of sight. [Stan goes in, Randy closes the door] Stan: Cartman tricked the guards. We all ran home to be with our parents. Where's mom? Randy: Your mom's been out trying to find you a lawyer and a therapist. We've been doing all we can! Stan: Dad, that thing we saw take Ned? It was ManBearPig. It was real! Randy: What are you talking about? It was just a bear. Stan: No, Dad. It's... [notices his dad's eyes switching back and forth from him to the TV] Why do you keep looking at the TV? Randy: What? Why? I dunno? What? Stan: [walks over to get a better look, then steps back, grabs the controller, and looks at Randy] You've been playing Red Dead Redemption?! Randy: A little bit. I mean... when I'm not doing all this stuff for you Stan: I thought you were working on getting me out! Randy: Sorry, I needed a little break! Stan: You're all the way to St. Denis?! That's like 40 hours of gameplay! How could you uh! Are you high right now?! Randy: I'm a little high, yes! Stan: Oh my God! Randy: Oh what?! I'm sorry! I'm sorry that I need to decompress with all this shit going on! Stan: I can't believe you would get high and play video games while your son is in jail! You're such an asshole! Randy: [gets in his face] Well at least I'm not a school shooter! Stan: [walks up to him] It wasn't me! It was a demon named ManBearPig! [gives him the controller] Randy: Oh whatever! [goes to the sofa and sits down, and begins playing] "ManBearPig! ManBearPig!" You sound like your freakin' grandpa! Stan: Yeah, because I learned a lot about-! [stops himself] Whoa whoa, what are you talking about I sound like Grandpa? Randy: He had been talking about ManBearPig comin' since I was fuckin' 14. Nothin' new. Stan: [turns away] Someone made a deal with it... a long time ago. Randy: Do you know how to craft stamina tonics? [Stan glares back at Randy] Scene Description: The Broflovski Residence, night. Kyle comes in from the backyard through the sliding door. The house is dark, so he looks around carefully Kyle: Mom? [goes to the living room] Dad? [walks upstairs to the master bedroom, opens the door, and looks in, then closes it. He goes to his room and sits on his bed. He looks up] I don't know if you can hear me. I-I feel so alone right now. I-I feel like the whole world is falling apart and somehow I'm supposed to do something but... I don't know what that is anymore. [the window lights up] Gore: [a ghostly image on the window] Fear not. Do not give up on yourself. You must keep believing. Kyle: Mr. Gore? Where have you been?! Gore: It's me. Al Gore. Kyle: Yeah. Where have you been?! Gore: You cannot lose faith, my child, even though everyone is ripping on you. Even though they don't believe you and they're saying you're just seeking attention because you lost the Presidency. You have to be strong! Kyle: Well what happened to you? Are you dead or something? Gore: No! not dead! Just merely using a flashlight on the glass to apply the Pepper's ghost technique. Kyle: What, what? [turns around] Oh, god damn it. [Gore turns off the flashlight and turns on the bedroom light] Gore: You see my point? Things aren't always as they appear. You have to stay strong, my little crusader. Kyle: I can't do this alone. I need help. Gore: I did, too. Didn't get it. Kyle: What more do you want from me?? I've atoned for my mistake. I'm sorry that we were getting a lot of different information at the time. You know, even you were wrong about a lot of the things you said would happen a- Gore: [puts his hand to his ear] What's that? Kyle: Nothing. I didn't mean- Gore: See you later, alligator. [turns and walks out.] Kyle: [gives chase] No, no, no, no! I'm sorry! [follows him down the stairs] I am sorry, please! I'm cereal! Ah, I didn't mean to say you were wrong, just that some of your predictions didn't happen- Gore: Oh yeah, you're real cereal. [they reach the front door. Gore opens it and is about to step out] Kyle: Please, please, please! [Gore turns to look at him] I'll do anything! I just want everyone to be safe! Gore: All I was doing was trying to be your mentor. You know who my mentor was? Me! Al Gore! Scene Description: Outside the doorway, a chiming sound is heard as the spirit version of Al Gores fades in and stands on the sidewalk Spirit Gore: Hello, Al Gore. Gore: [gasps as he looks at his spirit] It's him! Just in time, too. Thanks for coming in my time of crisis, Al Gore! [closes the door. Kyle just stands there looking at it.] Scene Description: Jared, day. The building is covered with blood and police tape and has damaged windows. There are several bodies scattered all over the place. One officer puts up roadblocks, another takes notes. In the background, Yates surveys the damage with other officers and a group of forensic scientist in lab coats. Officer 7: Sorry to call you down, sir, but this is a bad one. Yates: Oh no, that's fine. [takes out a pack of cigarettes and taps it on his wrist. He then pulls one out and returns the pack to his shirt pocket.] I finally arrest four school shooters and can play some Red Dead Redemption, and then I get a call about another school shooting. [takes out a lighter and lights up his cigarette.] Officer 7: This one really doesn't look like a school shooting, sir. Five different witnesses say it was definitely... ManBearPig. Yates: God damn it! There's no such thing as a ManBearPig! [The scientists and officers stop examining the scene and look at Yates] You got that?? We're working with facts here, not goofball theories! Officer 7: Yea, but sir, all the forensic scientists say there are bear and pig footprints- Yates: Fuck scientists! [The scientists and officers stop again and look at Yates] Why are you trying to figure out what's going with scientists?! The only thing I want to know is who committed this school shooting, since our school-shooting suspects are in jail! Officer 1: Detective! [runs into view] Detective, we just got word from the station. The four shooting suspects broke out a while ago. Yates: Oh well, there you go! It was them again! Gee, I didn't need any freakin' scientists to figure that out, did I?! Get 'em outta here! [the forensic scientists are escorted away] Now how the fuck did those kids break out of my jail?! Officer 1: Jenkins said they tricked him. Said they could show him a way to fast-travel in Red Dead Redemption by upgrading his camp, and then they just took off. Yates: [in a low voice] There's a way to fast-travel if you upgrade your camp? [thinks a moment] Jesus... [puts his hand on the back of the officer and then looks around as they take a few steps forward] You'd better start from the beginning. Scene Description: Shady Acres Retirement Community, exterior. evening Scene Description: Shady Acres Retirement Community, interior. Commons area. A group of elderly residents are sitting down and watching the news on the television set. Reporter: [off screen] More damage and destruction today as the death toll rises to the hundreds. [the reporter is now shown, standing in front of a Denny's that is covered in blood and has police tape around it.] Some see this as evidence ManBearPig might be real, while others say ManBearPig is a fabrication for political gains- [ManBearPig comes up from behind and attacks the reporter. Marvin Marsh is focused on the report] Stan: [off screen] Grandpa?! [Marvin sits up with his jaw dropped as Stan comes into view a few feet behind him.] What did you do? Marvin: Oh, Billy. [chuckles] My grandson come to visit. Stan: This isn't the first time ManBearPig has shown up, is it?! What happened?! Marvin: Billy, I have Alzheimer's. I don't even remember what happened this morning. Stan: Cut the shit, Grandpa! You people knew! You made a deal with that thing! Margaret: We thought we'd be dead by now. We didn't think we'd have to live to see the consequences. Marvin: Aw, great! Just tell the whole world, Margaret! [zips past her in his wheelchair] Stan: [follows him down the dorm hallway] Why did you old people make a deal?! Marvin: We had a right to be happy too, you know?! Stan: And you just signed away the future?! Marvin: We didn't want to have to give the demon his stuff back! Stan: What stuff?! Marvin: All our cars [turns his wheelchair around], and premium boutique ice cream. Stan: You couldn't control yourselves, so now that thing is here to kill all of us! Good fuckin' job, Grandpa! Scene Description: Broflovski Residence, backyard, night. Cartman and Kenny pound on the sliding door. Kyle opens up Cartman: Kyle, come on. We've gotta go. Kyle: Go where? Cartman: I had a vision, Kyle. Al Gore's ghost visited me. Kyle: Al Gore isn't dead. Cartman: Well his ghost visited me, Kyle. He said he had a plan, and we needed to go. Are you in or not? Kenny: (Yeah, are you in or not?) [Kyle stays silent] Scene Description: The woods, night. Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny walk through it in the dark. Cartman has the flashlight Kyle: We shouldn't be out here. We're wanted by the police. [some growling and howling is heard, with the sound of cracking branches] Cartman: Shhh. What was that? Kenny: (Sounds like a fuckin' werewolf!) Cartman: This is where Al Gore told me to go. [more growling is heard as Cartman moves his flashlight around] Kenny: (What the fuck is that?!) [points to something. Satan jumps into the beam of light with a display of might] Kyle: It's Satan. Cartman: What are you doing here, Satan? Satan: I was told to come here by the spirit of Al Gore. Cartman: Us too. But why? [The spirit of Al Gore suddenly appears and floats next to Kyle] Spirit Gore: Remember... even though I am gone, you must still work together. Kyle: Work together how?? Spirit Gore: I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to the ones who are actually cereal. [to the others] You cannot lose hope. There is still much you need to know. Scene Description: The Yates house. Harrison arrives and is about to open his front door when he hears a shooting and screams, then the sound of a galloping horse. He then knows what's going on. Yates: Oh, you'd better not- [goes inside and throws his hat and jacket down] You bitch! [Maggie squeals in fright and stands up] You're playing Red Dead Redemption, aren't you?! Maggie: [angrily] So what of it?! Yates: What did I tell you about playing on my saved game, Maggie?! Maggie: No! No, this is my life now, Harrison Yates! I started over, with me own saved game! Yates: What are you talking about?! Maggie: See for yourself. [puts the game controller in his hand] You and all your talk o'wantin' your own life! I wanted somethin' new too! [walks behind Yates to his left side, as he begins to check out the stats] I started over in the snow and worked my way up to the new gang leader! I have thousands of dollars o'me own! [walks behind Yates to his right side]I built a house with John Marston! I'm helpin' his family now! Yates: [steps forward and presses some buttons] You fucking slut! Maggie: [turns and points her finger into Yates' face]That's right, Harrison Yates! And what have you got?! [walks behind Yates to his left side] A basic starter horse and the $20 gambler's that you won at a poker match! I'm twice the man you are now! Yates: Don't you talk to me like that! Maggie: I'll talk however I want! [walks behind Yates to his right side] I've completed every hunting side mission! Found seven legendary animals! [crosses her arms over her chest] Yates: Found them where?! Maggie: I'm not tellin'! You wanted your now life and now you got it! [walks out of the room] Yates: Maggie! [breaks down onto his knees and weeps] Nwaaahahahahaha... Scene Description: In the woods at night, Spirit Gore has been speaking to the boys and Satan Gore: And in conclusion, let me just say that you are the future. You cannot give up hope. I brought you all together because I believe in you. Scene Description: The boys and Satan are sitting on a log. Satan looks rather bored while the boys try to understand what Spirit Gore is saying. Cartman: Okay, but what do you want us to-? Spirit Gore: And sometimes, believing is all that we need to be cereal. [disappears. Suddenly, a set of end credits roll in his place with Al Gore credited for everything, showing that this was pre-taped] Kyle: Credits? [some clapping is heard. The boys turn around and see Al Gore by a movie projector] Gore: Did you guys like my movie? Cartman: What are you doing? Gore: Exactly. I'm trying to get you to ask "What would Al Gore do?" Spirit Gore: Make a movie starring you. Gore: Yes, to get you all to not give up. To get you to fight! Satan: [to Gore as he walks away from the log] You don't understand. There is no fight. [turns to the boys] A deal was made. We do not know by whom. But this demon has grown stronger, and no mortal can do anything to stop it. Cartman: [gets off the log] No mortal. But what about you? Satan: Why would I help mankind? Cartman: Satan, come on. Are you really gonna stand there and not say you appreciate all the nice things humans have done for you lately? I mean, not sure if you've noticed, but we're pretty much doing things your way up here Satan: [turns around again and contemplates] I... must admit, people up here on Earth have been doing a lot of my work for me lately. Maybe... maybe it is time I did something for them. Scene Description: A picture frame is shown, being held up by a pair of small hands. Inside, a picture of a younger Marvin Marsh, smiling and sitting in the driver's seat of a 1978 Pontiac Firebird Trans Am and holding a triple scoop of ice cream in his left hand. Marvin: [off screen] We were all young and foolish back then, Billy. We didn't think about the future. We just wanted things. [Stan is the one holding the picture while Marvin is looking out the window in his room] This creature shows up, and it seemed like a good deal for everyone in town. Stan: [puts the frame down and turns to Marvin] You didn't stop to think about what it would mean for us? Marvin: [turns his wheelchair around to face Stan] Aw Billy, it's not that simple. We thought about it. But our town was so tiny back then. We just, we wanted nice things other people had. Stan: And you didn't give two shits what it would mean for your grandchildren. Marvin: I didn't think I'd have grandkids. I didn't even want children. That's why I always came on Gram Gram's tits. Stan: [closes his eyes] Aaaah. Marvin: But then, one night, I'm having sex with your grandma, and she sticks her finger in my ass. She had sometimes licked my ass before, [Stan looks at him in disbelief] but this was the first time she used her finger, and I came inside her like that. [slaps his left hand with his right] I pulled out and your grandma was like "Did you just come in me?", and I was like "Well, you stuck your finger in my ass." And that's basically why you're here, Billy. Stan: This is supposed to make me feel better? Marvin: I'm just saying that I wasn't thinking about the future because your father was supposed to be nothing but dried-up crust on Gram Gram's titties. Stan: You... people... made a deal with ManBearPig! How?! Where?! Marvin: It doesn't matter, Billy. It's too late now. Stan: Tell me how the deal happened so that I can try to make it go away! Scene Description: Downtown South Park, night. People are running all over the place and screaming. ManBearPig chases after them. Townsman 2: [running] No! No! [ManBearPig catches him, tears into him, and bites into his back] Satan: [offscreen] ManBearPig! [approaches ManBearPig slowly, deliberately, like a sheriff in the Old West. He roars. ManBearPig roars back and faces Satan. They run at each other. ManBearPig leaps onto a car and swipes at Satan, sending him to the ground. The impact sets off car alarms. Satan gets up and turns around. They run at each other again. ManBearPig throws Satan into a building, but Satan bounces right back. They grapple for a few seconds, but ManBearPig grabs Satan's left horn and rips it off] Aaaargh!!! [ManBearPig drives the horn into Satan's chest] Aaaaarch!!! [ManBearPig grabs Satan and throws him to the ground, then punches him a few times. ManBearPig delivers one last left hook and runs away. Satan coughs as townspeople gather around. The boys run up just in time to see him die] Kyle: Satan! Satan: [weakly] H-hey. Hey kids. [coughs] I'm sorry. Kyle: [he and the other boys are starting to tear up] No. Satan, you can't die. Satan: Everyone dies. I just wish I could have helped you. [coughs again] Oh God, it hurts. Cartman: We can't do this without you, Satan. Satan: You have to. You have to keep trying. Kyle: If you can't stop ManBearPig, how can we be-?? Satan: You have to keep trying!! [coughs] You... have to believe. [grunts and then finally succumbs to his injuries] Kenny: (No...) Townsman 3: Satan's dead. [a bell tolls] Kyle: Come back. Come back. [a light appears around Satan's body, and his spirit rises from it. As he rises to Heaven, a small bell tolls and he gets angel wings and a halo.] Satan: [softly] Goodbye. Kyle: [tears streaming from his face] Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here. Scene Description: A new show appears on TV Hugh: And now, on Park County Public access, "Should We Start To Worry?" with your host, Jim Kimble. Jim: As our town continues to burn to the ground, Satan has been slaughtered and sent to Heaven. Should we start to worry? Joining me now, an expert on our county resources and preparedness, Alec Vaughn. Alec, should we start to worry? Alec: Jim, I think we should definitely consider starting to worry. Satan was one of the most powerful entities, supposedly, in the universe, and ManBearPig annihilated him like a bitch. I don't think we should waste any more time underestimating the importance of beginning to think about starting to worry. Jim: Also joining us is the former Vice-President, Al Gore. Mr. Gore, do you think it's time for us to deliberate the process of starting to worry? Spirit Gore: If by worrying you mean getting cereal, then an empathic "YES." Guest: I don't think there's any more room for not considering underestimating the importance of beginning to start the process of mulling over the conceptualization of starting to worry. And the time to do it is... very soon. Gore: [walks behind the host's chair] Hey, what are you doing? Spirit Gore: I'm being a spiritual mentor. These people are depending on me. Gore: No, they're depending on me! I'm depending on you, goofball! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, exterior, night. Two mangled bodies lay on the sidewalk as a flaming car with people screaming inside rolls by. Faint sirens are heard nearby Scene Description: South Park Elementary, 4th grade classroom. Kyle looks down from a classroom window. Cartman and Kenny sit at their desks in the empty classroom. Kyle: [leaves the window] All right, looks like we're clear. Cartman: I can't believe it's the weekend, and I'm at school! Kyle: This is the best place to hide. Cartman: Why? Of all the places we could hide, why do I have to sit here in school?! Kenny: (Yeah!) Kyle: Where's the last place anyone would think we would hide? The scene of our supposed crime, dummies! We're safe here. Cartman: I'd rather be in jail than at school. [the doorknob sounds] Kenny: (Oh shit!) Stan: [opens the door and looks in] Guys? Guys! Kyle: Stan! Stan: Guys, thank God! Just stay right there, Grandpa! [Marvin sits in his wheelchair in the middle of the school hallway, looking bitter] I know all about the deal. I know what we have to do. Kyle: How'd you find us here? Stan: I figured you guys would be hiding somewhere. This is the first place I thought to look. Kenny: [arms folded] (Uh huh!) Cartman: Yeah, I guess we're dummies, huh Kenny? Kenny: (Yeah, I guess we're dummies.) Stan: Guys, listen: my stupid grandpa and a bunch of other old people made the deal with ManBearPig. It's here because of their greediness. Marvin: [from the hallway] Everyone's greedy! Stan: Shut up, Grandpa! I know where to go, but I need your help. I'm going to face ManBearPig and put an end to this deal. Cartman: Are you crazy? We just saw ManBearPig take down Satan. What the hell are we supposed to do against it? Stan: We have to try. [police sirens are heard approaching] Officer 8: Attention school shooters... again. [the boys head to the window and look out through it] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, exterior, night. A group of armed SPPD officers stand outside the school. A few townspeople stop to observe. Officer 8: We have you surrounded... again. Come out with your hands up! Cartman: [Looking at Kyle who is peaking through the window blinds] We just sat in school... for nothing! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, front entrance, night. A spotlight is pointed to the front entrance doors. The boys soon come out with Marvin Stan: Listen! We know what to do now! Officer 8: Drop to the ground and put your hands on your heads! Stan: No! I need to face ManBearPig! Officer 8: We have orders! You're coming with us! Yates: Belay those orders! [the officers look left. Yates approaches the boys and Marvin. He then paces back and forth in front of the spotlight.] I've been a fool, denying ManBearPig's existence, and I didn't realize it till I went home. My wife... had started a new life without me.. I wanted to give up, but instead, I robbed a bank at St. Denis and a went to an island north of Cuba. [the townspeople look at each other] After I came back, that's when it all caught up with me. All the stagecoaches I had robbed, all the horses I had stole, for what?! [the police officers are shown listening to Yates] We're nothing if we don't believe in each other! And Goddamnit, it's never too late to start trying to do the right thing. You think you know what that is, boys? Stan: Yes I do. We're going to face ManBearPig and put an end to this deal once and for all. Scene Description: A courtroom office, day. A lawyer has paperwork set out for the boys to sign Lawyer: Okay, [lifts up some pages in the packet and highlights some lines] sign here and here. [hands the paperwork to Stan] These documents state merely that you've been granted power of attorney by your town and that you wish to attempt to void the current agreement. Stan: 'Kay. Lawyer: Since this is a renegotiation, [highlights more text on another set of documents] you agree that ManBearPig has right to compensation for termination, and you will give up all rights to specified assets. [hands the paperwork to Stan] Stan: Yes. Yes, we agree to give back cars and ice cream. [ManBearPig grumbles off screen] Lawyer: Uh, let me confer with my client. [ManBearPig is now shown sitting next to the lawyer, wearing a business suit and grunts quietly] Uh huh. Got it. Yes. My client says that he- [ManBearPig grunts quietly] 'Kay. [ManBearPig grunts some more] Uh, mm-hmm. ManBearPig has no interest in you giving up cars and ice cream. Kyle: Well, what's he want everyone to give up? Scene Description: The Park County Courthouse, exterior, day. A large crowd awaits the results of the negotiation Townsman 4: There! There he is! There he is! Townsman 5: Is it over?! Stan: [speaking from an open window on the upper floor] Um, he says he'll never come back again, but... we have to give up soy sauce and Red Dead Redemption 2. All: ...Ohhhhh. Townsman 6: ...Just plain rice? Stan: ...Yeah, that's what I thought. [goes back to the table] Um, could we possibly talk about restructuring a new deal? Marvin: [off screen] Uh huh! Uh huh! [sitting at the edge of the table] Stan: No, no. Just like, um, can we do, like, a renegotiation? Lawyer: All right, sign here and here [lifts up some of the pages on a new set of documents and highlights some text] that you are entering a renegotiation with ManBearPig. [hands the paperwork to Stan] Stan: Where do I sign that? Lawyer: Right there. Stan: Okay. Marvin: Yeah, I thought so. [the camera zooms out to show a wider angle of the room] Stan: Shut up, Grandpa! Scene Description: The Park County Courthouse, exterior, day. the camera continues to zoom out and shows more of the crowd waiting outside while the parties continue to negotiate off screen. Lawyer: And sign here that ManBearPig has rights to the lives of all the children in Third World countries. Stan: 'Key, got it. Lawyer: And you agree to ignore ManBearPig until he returns in five years, in which time the carnage will be a thousand-fold. Stan: 'Kay, where do I sign that?